# Should I not be jealous?



## Suspicious1 (Nov 19, 2017)

Hey all, first time on this site, but I've been looking around and feel it's a great platform to express myself without being scowled, lol.

So I've been with my wife for 16 years give or take, we gone through some rough times but we've come out the other side a little stronger, well it's what I told myself.
She a great woman, an awesome mom, and very conscientious meaning thinks about her movement before hand! She's a strong little lady, but not so practical at times, she's had horrible past relationships, especially with her first boyfriend. So I can understand why she doesn't want me to stay put too late, even thou I'm a full grown man, I like to have a few beers with my friends and let some steam off from time to time.

So when I'm enjoying myself with my friends I would pick up her calls twice but no more than that, as I believe it's in intrusive and boarding rude! I wouldn't do that to her if she out which is seldom with family or her best friend.

Anyway a few years back 2007 we went throught one of those rough patches. What sparked it I met a young lady at work, btw 95% of the workers at my job at ladies, but I tens to hang out with the IT department which are all guys. This young lady and I hit it off, funny smart, and just down to earth. I can't recall exactly what brought so close, but it was like the little sister I never had. I have to admit this young lady was a little needy, but I truely saw her as a platonic friend. She would share just about every ascept of her relationships, I became friend with her boyfriend, I introduced them both to my wife.
She was a great friend which I respect and she respect me who had my best interest. We wanted from each other was just that friendship. 

My wife did not feel comfortable about all this, she felt something wasn't right and it's just a matter of time before we end up together. Not sure what this young lady's boyfriend had in mind about all this, but he was confident enough to see we had no interest in each other romantically. Allot went on between us, we became truly friends even though my wife wasn't happy, she broke up with her boy friend, I was there to help her throught the ordeal.
We even had a hige sale of all his things, as he end up cheating on my friend. 
She dated a few other guys, she always shared, and asked me for my advice and I gave her my honest big brother views etc.
She finally met a new guy who she was smitten with, and I liked him as well for her.
Meanwhile I was catching heat for still being a friend, by this time my wife and I had our first daughter. Naturally I was spending less and less time with my friend.
I really felt she was happy in her relationships, so I started to give her more space and slowly stop talking to her, mainly to keep the peace at home. I didn't say anything to my wife at first, but 5 months later my wife asked me about my friend I told her I stop talking to her. I can see she was some what at ease about it, even thought she was reluctant about this sudden end of our relationship.

Okay you would think life would get easier me cutting off this friendship that my wife would assume would be the end of our marriage. Nope, I noticed she was finding other excuses to get angry at me, she would be loving at one moment and just miserable at the next.
Not having my friend there and slowing going out i started feeling suspicious on her odd behavior.
I always wanted to go through her cell phone or Facebook account buts could not bring myself to even through Wife had done to me, which cause plenty of fights.

One day I was going throught my IPad which belongs to me I found a search for her ex.
I asked about it and she got very defensive, I knew my suspicion weren't just my imagination.
I got bolder and noticed she left her email open, again on my IPad.
I read letter upon, letters going back and forth for years, since the very start of our relationship.
What did it to me was, my wife's ex had gotten some woman pregnant and my wife displaying anger, about his situation and being extremely upset with him, and saying I was throught you where the ONE. 

All this happened during the hay days of my friend and I times about 10 years ago.
Letters from.him asking forgiveness for treating my wife like crap, using her, and trying to get petty from my wife.
This guy lives in a foreign country, and isn't allowed back in the U.S., but this all put in a tailspin and pretty much depress.
I was put through hell because I had a friend who happwns to be a women, and I swear never ever touched, meanwhile she is confessing her love to some bum who got deported!!!!

I confronted her again and of course she try to pin this whole thing on me, guilt tripping me. For hanging out with my guy friends, me having a friendship with my female friend, me knowing more people than she, well she didn't say that but pretty much obvious.
Even thought they nerve got physical, it infuriates me that this guy is in my life all this time. 

So should I not be jealous, and angry even thought these letters were written ten years ago? She been lying to me telling me has not kept in contact with him yet all this time right under my nose they have been this cyber affair a thousand time worst that she been accusing me of. 

Things had gotten allot better as it happened during the spring time, but I can't hope than feel dumb for trusting her, which is hard to get over. 
I also found her flirty with some guy she met on the train, nothing happened but it seem people try to find dirt on you so they can do things guilt free.

Well that's my story, please share your thoughts. 
Pardon the long boring rant, but it's difficult to get off my chest.

S1



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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Get thee to marriage counseling.

You both have issues with lack of healthy boundaries.

She had a "do as I say, not as I do" mentality.

Relationships are not about keeping score. They are based upon respect, which is lacking from the both of you.

All devices should be open, at any time.
You should steer clear from any workplace opposite sex "friendships."
She should steer clear of ex BFs. She was obviously alpha widowed by her ex and swimming in anger.

Reading material:
_Not Just Friends._ (you) 
_Dance of Anger._ (her)


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Treat her like she treats you.

She sound awfull.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Neither of you have healthy boundaries in your marriages. You have both gone way over what is sensible and appropriate in your behaviour with someone outside the marriage. Both playing with fire, but at least her ex can never come over to your country, wheras this lady friend of yours you were seeing very regularly. 

Marriage counselling may well help you both to see what you have done and how to stop it happening in the future. Boundaries that you both agree on are very important.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

you should remind her that she is a hypocrite, what is good for the goose is good for the gander. hypocrisy does not play well with me.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Suspicious1 said:


> Hey all, first time on this site, but I've been looking around and feel it's a great platform to express myself without being scowled, lol.
> 
> So I've been with my wife for 16 years give or take, we gone through some rough times but we've come out the other side a little stronger, well it's what I told myself.
> She a great woman, an awesome mom, and very conscientious meaning thinks about her movement before hand! She's a strong little lady, but not so practical at times, she's had horrible past relationships, especially with her first boyfriend. So I can understand why she doesn't want me to stay put too late, even thou I'm a full grown man, I like to have a few beers with my friends and let some steam off from time to time.
> ...


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

I have female friends that I am close with have have no sexual desire for whatsoever. So I am in the camp that opposite sex friends aren't always a danger or an emotional affair. However you have to understand that many people on a relationship forum have both seen or lived through the "we are just friends" scenario that turned out to be an affair. You read story after story about it on these sites. Especially with workplace friends. So regardless of your true feelings for this girl friend of yours, many will see it only as an emotional affair on your part. 

Now one thing I can say is you guys both withdrew from one another during that period in your life. Which actually does put a lot of weight behind the statements made about you being a little too close to this girl. Your wife then decided to do the same thing back to you because you put your friendship with this other girl before your wife's feelings about it. That is to say you could have stepped back sooner from this other woman like you ultimately did, but you put up a fight for that friendship. One that ultimately ended anyway. 

You had some emotional investment in this other woman. Weather or not it was strictly platonic in your mind or not is sort of beside the point. Your actions showed it was more important to you at the time than your wife's feelings. That is where you messed up. So really you did put another woman before your wife which many will say it is cheating. I don't always agree that is the case simply because if you put a relationship with a close guy friend over your wife's feelings, you would be just labeled insensitive to your wifes feelings. One can also put video games or poker or drinking or hobbies or whatever ahead if their spouse, which isnt considered cheating. The fact that it was a female friend, folks will instantly label you as a cheater in an emotional affair. That may or may not be true depending on how you really felt about this girl. 

Regardless you were insensitive to your wife's feelings and it cost you in your marriage. You wife in turn decided to reach out to an ex to gain the emotional support you were not giving her at the time. Or she did it out of spite and revenge because you were being a block head about your own friendship. 

Either way you both messed up. Only now do you see what your wife was probably feeling at that time. So what do you plan to do about it? Are you going to choose to do what your wife did and passive aggressively do to her what she did to you? 

I think a better approach is to sit down together and discuss where both of you went wrong and apologize to one another for your bad behaviors. Set clear boundaries and move on from this whole scenario with a better understanding of both your needs and boundaries. Apologizes, self reflect, set boundaries, move on.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Both of you are to blame. Your wife should be the first priority in your life. Only answering her calls twice on nights out was rude and inconsiderate on your part, not hers for calling more than that. She's your wife, and has a right to call and talk to you any time she pleases. And beyond that, you should be happy to do so - she's the one you love the most.

Your relationship with the woman was also not acceptable. If a friendship makes your spouse uncomfortable, then it should be ended. Especially if it's a friendship with one of the opposite gender. Most affairs start out as friendships.

As far as her emails with her ex are concerned - yes, that is also inappropriate. Both of you are making big mistakes in your relationship, and need to get things back on course. You need to purchase the two books I have in my signature, "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters". They will guide you through eliminating all these problems, and implementing good habits that will build up your marriage.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

You did nothing wrong. Your friendship was above board, in plain sight and nothing seemingly inappropriate.

She had an emotional affair.

Until she is brought to task about being an unfaithful cheater, I don't see a way to proceed.

I would not be jealous. I would feel disgusted, betrayed and angry!

Keep all the evidence in case you feel the need to divorce. Might not mean much in court but no one could argue your reasoning.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I will say that you could have done better to allay your wife's fears but she cheated and you certainly did not.

Not in the same universe 🌌!


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

BioFury said:


> Both of you are to blame. Your wife should be the first priority in your life. Only answering her calls twice on nights out was rude and inconsiderate on your part, not hers for calling more than that. She's your wife, and has a right to call and talk to you any time she pleases. And beyond that, you should be happy to do so - she's the one you love the most.


I completely disagree with this line of thinking. One should be allowed to have a life and friends outside of their marriage. What you are describing is a clingy spouse and justifying rude behavior by said clingy spouse. That is a no go for me. If I'm out with my friends, I should be allowed to have a good time with them without being constantly bothered and smothered by my wife. That is nonsense and extremely rude behavior on his wife's part which I would find completely unacceptable. To me it reeks of jealousy that one partner can't stand the thought of their spouse out having a good time without them, so they try and spoil their fun. A no go in any relationship as far as I'm concerned and a definite deal breaker. Nobody should have to put up with that bull crap.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

If you go to MC there's a good chance they'll be a moron and blame this on you anyway.

Beware!!!!!


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## Suspicious1 (Nov 19, 2017)

Thank you all for all the great perspective on this situation. I have to admit this is all great to hear an unbias response instead of too close to home advise and comments that have one or they others side.

I'll respond to a few post later today, perhaps I wasn't clear or rather more expressive. 
This woman became my wife friends they would talk and hang out from time to time. We went out eating with as a couple with each other. So let me make this clear, I was never or ever wanted anything from my friend let call her (Angela) just to keep things in order. 
And from what I can tell my wife was e-mailing her ex way before I met Angela.

I'm the kind of person who don't mind my wife talking to whom ever she wants, but please let me know what's going on as I would. 

I love my wife from day one and never stop loving her, but as someone posted I should be able to have friends just as she should and has had more recently. The deception it's what really grabs at me, and perhaps some of you are glad that it has affected me in such a way I say thank you as well.

I'm here to learn and grow from those that have experience similar for myself, wife and children.

Again thank for the wealth of information.

Cheers

Dan

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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> You did nothing wrong. Your friendship was above board, in plain sight and nothing seemingly inappropriate.
> 
> She had an emotional affair.


Disagree. He also had an EA, he has just been trying to sugarcoat it.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Your wife told you many many times she was uncomfortable with your friendship with the girl. The friendship ended because she found a boyfriend, let’s face facts. 

If a spouse is uncomfortable with a friend for whatever reasons, that friendship should end. Same sex or opppsite sex.

All that said it doesn’t justify her searching and communicating with her ex behind your back for years. And confessing love back and forth just makes it all the more disrespectful. And flirted with another guy too? Hmmm...


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

There is nothing to be jealous about at this point. That time has passed. They all blame you. Watch the US TV show Cheaters and in every case the cheater will blame it on their spouse. It is never their fault. They were driven to cheat. Funny thing is that unless a person owns up to their cheating, the odds of them cheating again are great. They will continue to feel that they are not doing anything wrong but rather they are pushed into cheating by their spouses.

Problem with cheating is that you can forgive but never forget. I left my fiancé of 4 years for cheating when I was away for 6 months. If she had asked, I would have told her that she had a hall pass since I was out of the country for a year in combat and it was not easy for her worrying every day to hear if I have been killed or wounded. The problem was not the sex she had but in deceiving me about it. I still loved her but I knew that I could never live with her knowing that when she was not with me, she could be cheating and proved how easily she could lie and deceive me. Not the kind of way I want to live my life. Best decision in my life because I ended up meeting my loyal wife of 45 years who I cannot even get to date another man much less have sex with one. 

You need to ask yourself if you can live with the knowledge that the person you trusted proved untrustworthy. The one who is swearing she is faithful proved herself to be liar and now wants you to believe she is telling the truth just like she did the last time she lied about this. If it does not bother you then I advise that you look the other way and do not pry into what she does when she is not with you. I have had sex with a few married women in my time and their husbands were clueless but most preferred to remain that way rather than face the alternative of the hassle of a divorce and no more regular sex. If divorce were not so inconvenient, a lot more would get divorced. I lived in a place where a divorce cost $250 and you just split your property 50/50. Our friends and neighbors would get divorced 2-3 times a year. It was so easy to do so that they were cheating and divorcing and after breaking up with their new lover, get remarried again. 

My marriage was non monogamous and yet we were probably more faithful than most married people since we had no secrets or hid what we did.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> I completely disagree with this line of thinking. One should be allowed to have a life and friends outside of their marriage. What you are describing is a clingy spouse and justifying rude behavior by said clingy spouse. That is a no go for me. If I'm out with my friends, I should be allowed to have a good time with them without being constantly bothered and smothered by my wife. That is nonsense and extremely rude behavior on his wife's part which I would find completely unacceptable. To me it reeks of jealousy that one partner can't stand the thought of their spouse out having a good time without them, so they try and spoil their fun. A no go in any relationship as far as I'm concerned and a definite deal breaker. Nobody should have to put up with that bull crap.


The fact is that it's not ok with his wife, so it's not ok. Sure, she shouldn't harass him for no reason, but ignoring her calls isn't going to do anything but destroy their relationship. His friends are not his highest priority, his wife is, or at least she should be. So when his wife needs him on his friends time, then he should react accordingly.

Some people like closeness and jealousy, some people like distance and aloofness. Neither one or the other is intrinsically unacceptable or problematic, so long as you're with someone with the same outlook.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Blame 'here'....is a pendulum. Swinging to and fro. 
It's blade cutting each way.Cutting him, cutting her.
From his point of view and mine, her side of the blade is sharper, cutting deeper. And, having cut OP in the past, unknowingly, unseen....now felt, a low blow.

Some call EA on his part.
He denies the charge.

The facts point to friendship.
Friendship of the chargeable kind.

He was dismissive of her jealous kind.
She was hypocritical in mind, now this, we find.

He was an inconsiderate of her fears, her feelings of betrayal, 
She was projecting on him, her active, her ongoing, in real life, betrayal, detail.

He, by his actions, conditioned her mind.
Gave her an excuse, to lie, to cheat, inkind.

He was wounded before he knew it.
She trusted him not before she knew it.

She did not trust her own mind.
How could she trust his, as his actions unwind.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I


3Xnocharm said:


> Disagree. He also had an EA, he has just been trying to sugarcoat it.


 I think the young lady might have had a one sided one.

Unless his information is wrong, I didn't detect an inappropriate emotional connection towards the young woman from him. From her towards him, yes.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> *You did nothing wrong. Your friendship was above board, in plain sight and nothing seemingly inappropriate.*
> 
> She had an emotional affair.
> 
> ...


We only have his word for it. based on what he has written it sounds like an EA too.

When a spouse requests their spouse to disengage and desist from a relationship with another person of the opposite sex because it makes them uncomfortable and they refuse to do so, then imo, the unwilling spouse has to put up with the fallout. One's spouse should come first.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

aine said:


> We only have his word for it. based on what he has written it sounds like an EA too.
> 
> When a spouse requests their spouse to disengage and desist from a relationship with another person of the opposite sex because it makes them uncomfortable and they refuse to do so, then imo, the unwilling spouse has to put up with the fallout. One's spouse should come first.


I agree and mentioned he could have allayed his wife's fears better.

I do believe the young woman had a one way ea with him.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

BioFury said:


> Both of you are to blame. *Your wife should be the first priority in your life. Only answering her calls twice on nights out was rude and inconsiderate on your part, not hers for calling more than that. She's your wife, and has a right to call and talk to you any time she pleases.*





TheDudeLebowski said:


> I completely disagree with this line of thinking. *One should be allowed to have a life and friends outside of their marriage. What you are describing is a clingy spouse and justifying rude behavior by said clingy spouse. That is a no go for me. If I'm out with my friends, I should be allowed to have a good time with them without being constantly bothered and smothered by my wife.* .


Both these posts have very valid points. When either myself or my husband are out with our friends, we don't ring each other unless it's urgent, but we would always answer the others call.

No spouse should continually harrass the other while they're out, that's not on.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Your wife told you many many times she was uncomfortable with your friendship with the girl. The friendship ended because she found a boyfriend, let’s face facts.
> 
> *If a spouse is uncomfortable with a friend for whatever reasons, that friendship should end. Same sex or opppsite sex.*
> 
> All that said it doesn’t justify her searching and communicating with her ex behind your back for years. And confessing love back and forth just makes it all the more disrespectful. And flirted with another guy too? Hmmm...


THIS!!! A thousand times THIS!

Your "friendship" should never have continued out of respect for your wife and your marriage. By not ending it, you put another woman higher priority than your wife. This was cheating, whether you want to see it that way or not. 

AND... your wife was cheating on you from the onset of your marriage. Is she still? 

You two are a trainwreck, do each other a favor and end this mess.


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## Suspicious1 (Nov 19, 2017)

I'm going to sit down with my wife and start the healing process, as I didn't not consider her feelings about having a friend that made her feel uncomfortable. Even though this occurred years ago, I want her to know that I caused her pain. Naturally I'm a stubborn man and did not see it throught her eyes. I just felt there was nothing going on between Angela and I so why should I stop being someone's friend.

I'm not expecting anything back as to Why she felt the need to reach out to her ex all this time. As far as I'm concern he's not important.

What's important is my family, being a great father and husban creating special memories with them.

What I need to do is find a counselor and unburden this feeling of being duped, which consently goes through my mind. I guess the urge of knowing small details pertaining to their back and forth email, and the guy she was flirting is enough to drive me insane.

Thanks again for all your thoughts.

Dan


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## Suspicious1 (Nov 19, 2017)

3Xnocharm said:


> THIS!!! A thousand times THIS!
> 
> Your "friendship" should never have continued out of respect for your wife and your marriage. By not ending it, you put another woman higher priority than your wife. This was cheating, whether you want to see it that way or not.
> 
> ...


Live and learn, as I'm mentioned I did not see it as I was deliberately hurting my wife. I introduced them to each other, what transpired or what appeared to me was my wife throwing a tantrum, and if she trusted me truly trusted why would I end my relationship with my friend!

This all moot at this point, as I cut off my friend not because she met a new guy, as that took some time to happen, but because I felt I was the right thing to do.



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## Suspicious1 (Nov 19, 2017)

frusdil said:


> Both these posts have very valid points. When either myself or my husband are out with our friends, we don't ring each other unless it's urgent, but we would always answer the others call.
> 
> No spouse should continually harrass the other while they're out, that's not on.


Well it's not the consensus on this particular thread, but I felt if I'm put and about with my pals, guy friends I shouldn't be harassed either. Btw I've tried picking up.rhe phone if she called, sometimes it would go south. So I stop picking and I would text her to remind I was put with my friends.

I can count in one hands how many times I've had a drink with Angela, and still have a few fingers left over, we would either have breakfast, some work errand or commute back home that was how we spend most of our time togethers.

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## Suspicious1 (Nov 19, 2017)

ConanHub said:


> I agree and mentioned he could have allayed his wife's fears better.
> 
> I do believe the young woman had a one way ea with him.


I tried, I truly did. We had gone to a few double dates, we had lunch my wife , Angela and myself.

Angela even told my wife to call her any time.

Like I said, pretty much pointless. My wife and are past the Angela situation as she is not on the picture, has been in years. She left my company about 3.5 years or more, my co-worker than knee we were friends can't believe we don't keep in touch any longer, but it's for the better me thinks.

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## Suspicious1 (Nov 19, 2017)

aine said:


> We only have his word for it. based on what he has written it sounds like an EA too.
> 
> When a spouse requests their spouse to disengage and desist from a relationship with another person of the opposite sex because it makes them uncomfortable and they refuse to do so, then imo, the unwilling spouse has to put up with the fallout. One's spouse should come first.


Call it what you will, i never wished to have a romantic relationship with Angela, nor I wanted to bed her, but the fact that I tried to show my wife it was completely platonic relationship and I wasn't believed did something to me. I knew I had to cut our relationship, but it would be on my terms, selfish indeed but arrived to that decision on my own. Also it want because I discovered anything was going sideways from my wife, but I'm glad I did it would had seemed forced some how, or who knowns explosive!

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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

Suspicious1 said:


> I'm going to sit down with my wife and start the healing process, as I didn't not consider her feelings about having a friend that made her feel uncomfortable. Even though this occurred years ago, I want her to know that I caused her pain. Naturally I'm a stubborn man and did not see it throught her eyes. I just felt there was nothing going on between Angela and I so why should I stop being someone's friend.
> 
> *I'm not expecting anything back as to Why she felt the need to reach out to her ex all this time. As far as I'm concern he's not important.*
> 
> ...


I like the idea of sharing with her in tender affection your love and devotion and asking her to work with you to restore romantic love and trust. Much has been lost that can be gained back. 

While it is very important that you apologize and make amends for your relationship with the gal at work, she is also obligated to apologize for her emotional affair with her ex. This cannot be swept under a rug and enabled. You must let her know that if she doesn't end contact for life with him you will divorce her. That is part of setting boundaries. Let her know that you will also be setting boundaries for yourself. No more opposite sex friendships.

Someone recommended that you read "His needs, Her Need" and "Love Busters." I second that, and if your wife will read them with you that would even be better. Those two books are a revelation. 

Beware that not all marriage counselors are good. In fact most are bad. Pick one that isn't going to focus on problems which will lead only to finger pointing in your sessions. Pick one instead that focuses on strategies to make your marriage healthy and happy. The books will provide clear direction in this regard.


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## Suspicious1 (Nov 19, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> Blame 'here'....is a pendulum. Swinging to and fro.
> It's blade cutting each way.Cutting him, cutting her.
> From his point of view and mine, her side of the blade is sharper, cutting deeper. And, having cut OP in the past, unknowingly, unseen....now felt, a low blow.
> 
> ...


Beautifully poetic, tragic never the less. I'm going to continue raise my wife above nothing is going to stop thst, but I need to heal first.

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## Suspicious1 (Nov 19, 2017)

Rick Blaine said:


> I like the idea of sharing with her in tender affection your love and devotion and asking her to work with you to restore romantic love and trust. Much has been lost that can be gained back.
> 
> While it is very important that you apologize and make amends for your relationship with the gal at work, she is also obligated to apologize for her emotional affair with her ex. This cannot be swept under a rug and enabled. You must let her know that if she doesn't end contact for life with him you will divorce her. That is part of setting boundaries. Let her know that you will also be setting boundaries for yourself. No more opposite sex friendships.
> 
> ...


Thanks greatly appreciated. I don't want to sweep the Ex communication bit under the rug, as I can not stand this man in my life, also I can't force to start this conversation or rather make her apologies out if no where. We've had the talk a few months ago that she will not contact him, and she said that she let me know if he did. I've had my run ins with him, and I want him to disappear from this planet, or batter from my head. I don't like him one bit and this is what makes it difficult to get over. 

My industry is made out of mostly woman, my interns are all woman, I can't recall when I had a mail inter working for me, but definitely not having friends from the opposite sex is not easy but certainly doable. 

I'm going to look into those books, I'll mention it to the wife, she barley has time for herself with to daughters.

Yes agree, I've encounter a few horrible counselors, in fact my wife has see one for sometime and I sat a few times and it was me bad wife good, I went to her on mt own when i discover the letters. First of all she pretend she never her of this guy the Ex, I saw it in her eyes when I said his name, and the pause which followed who blah,blah blah? 
The reason I went to her was because she knew my wife enough to understand and not have any preconceived notions about her, and she knew about Angela, and other aspects of our lives. But I quickly realized she was doing damage campaign, and wanting me to dismiss the whole things as it was 10 years ago, and it had little merit at the presents. In a way I do agree but **** I have feeling No?

So thank you for the warning.

Good night

Dan


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Suspicious1 said:


> Well it's not the consensus on this particular thread, but I felt if I'm put and about with my pals, guy friends I shouldn't be harassed either. Btw I've tried picking up.rhe phone if she called, sometimes it would go south. So I stop picking and I would text her to remind I was put with my friends.
> 
> I can count in one hands how many times I've had a drink with Angela, and still have a few fingers left over, we would either have breakfast, some work errand or commute back home that was how we spend most of our time togethers.
> Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


It troubles me that you see your wife's phone calls to you as "harrassment"...that likely makes her feel insecure so she calls your more for reassurance. She certainly shouldn't be calling you repeatedly, as I said, I rarely call my husband while he's out with his friends but I know he will always pick up if I do. He also spends much more time with me than out with with his friends, so there's that too...often you'll find with women it's not what you're doing that's a problem, it's what you're _*not *_doing.




Suspicious1 said:


> My industry is made out of mostly woman, my interns are all woman, I can't recall when I had a mail inter working for me, but definitely *not having friends from the opposite sex is not easy but certainly doable*.
> 
> I'm going to look into those books, I*'ll mention it to the wife, she barley has time for herself with to daughters*.


You don't have to not have opposite sex friends, but you DO need to understand that the boundaries with OSF's are different - for obvious reasons. Whether you believe it or not, you DID have an emotional affair with Angela. You don't need to have sex with someone for it to be an emotional affair. Any OSF that excludes your spouse, is not acceptable. The sharing of intimate details of either one of your relationships is a no no. Your "helping her through" a breakup is a no no. Not your job, you're a married man, completely inappropriate. 

Most affairs start out as friendships just like yours and Angela's - without the intent to do anything wrong, but before you know it...you're headed for a trainwreck. I've read 'Not Just Friends', I had no need for it, but I'd seen it recommended here and I love self help books, so I bought it and read it cover to cover - its a great read and I highly recommend it.

If your wife is committed to your marriage she'll make the time to read those books, and be proactive with you in finding a counsellor that you both like. Your marriage is the foundation, the home of your family - and your home is on fire. Everything else, including the kids must take a back seat while you and your wife put the fire out, and do damage control.


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