# Mind Movies~ Negative and Positive



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Having been on the divorce and separation wagon now for nearly two years, I am, on occasion, tormented by those infamous "mind movies" of my STBXW's activities with her other men; everything from her initial contact with them all the way through outright sex.

Those negative dreams entail such things as:


Seeing her initially hook up with them by either FB or by text.
Waking up in the wee hours of the morning to see why she hadn't come to bed, only to surprise her and have her slam her computer screen or her cell phone down to keep it from being seen.
Her many last-minute trips out-of-town, and those late night phone calls from her while she was still there, advising me that she would be a day or two late in getting back home.
Her flirtaceous overtures with OM, sexting, kissing him, and having sex with the fat bastard, then coming back home, telling me how much she missed me, to have sex with me, all while I was totally oblivious to all of her clandestine actions.
 Her waking up and lovingly laying in his arms in the morning.
 Her seemingly ardent and latent "hate" for me in her abandonment of me, while at the same time, trying to financially and mentally destroy me, to derive some inate pleasure from watching or hearing about my suffering, all while lavishing out love, care, and money to my children.
 The damning evidence of her cell-phone call/text logs along with the extensive statistical breakdown, showing that her out-of-town trysts were going strong, even as much as a year prior to my having been ordered out of the house. And how its ultimate disclosure to me absolutely came to tear my heart out!
 Seeing the written verbage that she sent to the other men, and knowing full-well that it was the exact same verbage that she had used on me all during our initial courtship together.
 Seeing the lovey-dovey pictures of her and the OM posing, fastly snuggled up together, posted up on FB for all to see, along with some "mutual friends" who at one time were supposed to be my friends as well.
 Knowing that I can't do a damn thing about her lecherous actions because of a prohibitive clause in her prenup that basically means that, as such, the divorce is governed in our state under "no-fault" divorce rules~ in essence meaning that she can "legally" commit adultery and not be held responsible and not having those actions deemed admissable in any phase of our divorce proceedings.

It's no secret that the visualization of these "movies of negativity" just completely destroy me, more especially after realizing the gross cover of deception that she so ardently worked. 
To see those dreams that we had together just seem to vanish into thin air, to see her flirting, snuggling up to, kissing and having sex with some other man that I never knew would ever entertain such actions. And even more painfully, realizing that she was the one who was leading her other men on, and not vice-versa.

I can't really visualize the mechanics of human sex without thinking of some fat uncaring lout lustily banging her, without one scintilla of thought that she was a married woman with a respectable family in a respectable, moral, religious community.
Everytime I see that, all I can see is the two of them simply banging away at killing whatever vestiges of the dreams that we both had fastly held on to.

Conversely, I also have those "posititive mind-movies" with all of those dreams of us living, in what I believed to be a perpetual state of "married bliss."



Having her there with me and feeling her presence and warmth in bed there with me on each waking morning.
Feeling her gently and lovingly kiss me on the back of the neck.
Gazing into her beautiful eyes and believing that everything that I had ever dreamed of was right there in my midst.
Working with her and doing ranch and household chores, whether it was feeding cows and horses, fixing fences, herding cattle, mowing grass, errands, et.al.
 Just being in each others presence whether it was at home, travelling, working together, or just out and about.
 Being in the midst of and an accepted part of her extended loving family.

And seeing these dreams just makes me long for those things of the past when they were so seemingly perfect, when you felt nothing but love in your heart for her, and seemed to feel it in return from her.

And then the harsh, cold, reality that those same wonderful things, tasks, and characteristics, that we once shared, will never ever again come to fruition.
*

*Both types of these dreams just seem to take their psychological toll on me all to the point that I feel so damned and demeaned should I dream of either type. My well-meaning IC really offers little more than proverbially saying "Just get over it!" Well, that well-meant lip service isn't exactly helping me, as waiting around for the conclusion of this divorce is damning enough just on it's own merits.*

*If this is also prevalent with anyone else here at TAM, just how do you bring yourself to adequately cope and deal with it? *


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

I have asked the same question and have not received a good answer so far. If you hear of any mental tricks let me know. 

Some people say use the Stop Sign technique. Whenever you start thinking out it just visualize a stop sign.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

arbitrator said:


> *Having been on the divorce and separation wagon now for nearly two years, I am, on occasion, tormented by those infamous "mind movies" of my STBXW's activities with her other men; everything from her initial contact with them all the way through outright sex.
> 
> Those negative dreams entail such things as:
> 
> ...


Arb,

Damn, I'm sorry to hear this is still haunting you.

Moritori had similar issues.

His therapist had him visualize his ex and her consorts dressed up as clowns whenever those movies started.

I thought it was a clever method of self-regulation.

He reports that it works.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

I don't know somehow ive banished the ones with him & the OW & what he does now that hes living with her - to the recesses of my brain. I cant even imagine it anymore. I'm not overly religious but I did a lot of praying to block these thoughts so maybe God listened. It could also be just a coping mechanisim. Maybe its just too much so my brain blocked them on its own. Anyway I'm doing better since I don't imagine these images any more


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## Ebb & Flow (Mar 6, 2013)

I don't get the visual - but the 'thoughts' of this did (does plague me). I have considered it like a song that's stuck in my head and I do my best to not sing along with it. 

Dropping those thoughts is a lot easier said than done. So instead of repeatedly telling myself to 'drop it' - I just start counting prime numbers, or reciting the alphabet backwards. Similar to smallsteps technique of praying when I focus on anything else their thoughts evaporate.


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## lost hunter (Dec 13, 2012)

When I start to go back and think of how it was, I start saying the alphabet backwards. I have to stop and think about it, so my thoughts go elsewhere.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

I can tell you that with my stbxh affair before this one I had decided i had to "put it out of my mind" to be sane. One of those memories where: When he took the job out of town and I went to visit him, I searched through his belongings and found that the OW had actually spent a weekend at his apt w/him. I found a letter from her to him saying how wonderful it was (with details) I found candles- I found a music tract he put together for them. Those memories would haunt me. Once I decided not to let them have power anymore for the most part it worked. I literally would shoo it out of my mind, if one of those songs came up on the radio. I would say nope.. and start thinking about something pleasant. granted it did not always work and once in a while you will get an awful tingle of "motion picture" put it out as soon as possible-replace it. It’s for your sake not hers... It takes practice, don’t give up. If you have to, write out good memories that have nothing to do with her and have them on hand to dwell on when that moment strikes you.


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