# Hello all



## Bookeeper29 (6 mo ago)

I'm new here. Just need to talk to someone/vent. Really struggling with the mismatched sex drive of me and my wife. She is totally fine with having sex once a month or so. I've only recently figured out that most of our sex has been maintenance sex where she does it just as her wifely duty. That's not what I want at all. She has always been extremely passive in bed but I thought she was just shy but now it seems that the reason is she really just isn't into it unless it's been a long time and then she's a little more engaged. She has no problem reaching orgasm when she's ready to do so. I've tried changing up the routine, roleplay, date nights, intimate time with no expectation of sex, talking with her about what i can do to make it better for her, etc... I'm at the point I would rather just refrain from sex completely because it only gets me going and then I'll have to wait another month for her to be "ready" again. To top it off she walks around the house wearing hardly any clothes. Drives me crazy!! Not sure what to do anymore.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Bookeeper29 said:


> I'm new here. Just need to talk to someone/vent. Really struggling with the mismatched sex drive of me and my wife. She is totally fine with having sex once a month or so. I've only recently figured out that most of our sex has been maintenance sex where she does it just as her wifely duty. That's not what I want at all. She has always been extremely passive in bed but I thought she was just shy but now it seems that the reason is she really just isn't into it unless it's been a long time and then she's a little more engaged. She has no problem reaching orgasm when she's ready to do so. I've tried changing up the routine, roleplay, date nights, intimate time with no expectation of sex, talking with her about what i can do to make it better for her, etc... I'm at the point I would rather just refrain from sex completely because it only gets me going and then I'll have to wait another month for her to be "ready" again. To top it off she walks around the house wearing hardly any clothes. Drives me crazy!! Not sure what to do anymore.


You have your sex drive and she has hers. It's typical for the man to have a higher sex drive. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with her or you. What you have to realize is that you are equal partners and she's not obligated to have sex at your pace. 

What you need to do if everything else is okay is both of you compromise. You stop asking for sex as often and she agree to have sex a little more often than she'd prefer, which it sounds like she already is, so I think you already have your compromise except you need to back off some and recognize she has just as much right to her sex pace as you do. 

And yes, that is duty sex. Since men nearly always want more sex than women, a whole lot of them are getting duty sex. I think that's nice of her. She doesn't have to do that, you know. It's not a great thing for her. You will always have the better end of this deal because you will always be happy to have sex. She won't. I don't know. I'd rather have infrequent sex when the other person was also wanting it than to know someone I cared about wasn't having a very good time doing duty sex. But I think most men on here feel they'd rather have the frequency whether the wife is into it or not.


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## Bookeeper29 (6 mo ago)

Thank you for the reply. I really appreciate it! I'm totally not pressuring her anymore like I did earlier in the marriage. I let her come to me these days. For the past couple of months It has turned us into more like roommates. I still show her affection every day but limit it so she doesn't feel I'm trying to get her to have sex. I do fine until we do have sex and then it's like you opened a floodagate in my mind. It's a Rollercoaster of emotions of acceptance and then rejection, of desire and then denial. I just don't know how long I can keep this up and it makes me worry if there aren't other issues of which I'm unaware. Thanks for listening.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Bookeeper29 said:


> She has always been extremely passive in bed *but I thought she was just shy* but now it seems that the reason is she really just isn't into it unless it's been a long time and then she's a little more engaged.


Your thoughts were wrong!
She was always like this, nothing new, you are the victim of your own thoughts!
The biggest mistakes we always do is to assume things from our OWN thoughts and ignore the facts!

This might greatly help you: The Married Man Sex Life Primer - By Athol Kay
The question is, are you willing to do the work and implement Athol Kay's MAP?
And don't tell her you're reading it!


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

Has she always been like this or not? if she has always been like this then you should not be surprised. if she was different and changed then you need to figure out what triggered this change. 

There can be myriad of reason why she does not want sex from medial to phycological. Unless he recognizes there is a problem I doubt you can change much. Now you need to decide if you want to live witt this for the rest of your life.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Bookeeper29 said:


> Thank you for the reply. I really appreciate it! I'm totally not pressuring her anymore like I did earlier in the marriage. I let her come to me these days. For the past couple of months It has turned us into more like roommates. I still show her affection every day but limit it so she doesn't feel I'm trying to get her to have sex. I do fine until we do have sex and then it's like you opened a floodagate in my mind. It's a Rollercoaster of emotions of acceptance and then rejection, of desire and then denial. I just don't know how long I can keep this up and it makes me worry if there aren't other issues of which I'm unaware. Thanks for listening.


Eventually her lack of interest will take a harmful toll on your relating to her, and that's normal. Be ready for that. And what happens during and after this erosion will be serious enough to put the relationship in serious jeopardy. 

If you're treating all other aspects of the relationship as fine that's a mistake. Accepting roommate status now is a mistake.

Stop treating her as if things are ok otherwise. Accept that they aren't and attend to this now or it will cause a separation later. If needed think about starting over with another if she doesn't get that there's a serious problem.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Bookeeper29 said:


> I'm at the point I would rather just refrain from sex completely because it only gets me going and then I'll have to wait another month for her to be "ready" again.


Some context please. Your ages? How long married? Children? Were you intimate before marriage. Did both of you have prior sexual relationships?

When she wants you, is it during ovulation? That would be my guess. Is she wanting a child?

Your resentment is palpable in your post. Letting this continue isn’t going to work long term. Yes, maybe libido differences between genders and over time are inevitable. If you sre together still when she turns 50, she might be wearing you out. 

You are too different in the libido, and everything I read says the one not interested doesnt become enthusiastic.

Have you told her what you posted here?


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## Bookeeper29 (6 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> Some context please. Your ages? How long married? Children? Were you intimate before marriage. Did both of you have prior sexual relationships?
> 
> When she wants you, is it during ovulation? That would be my guess. Is she wanting a child?
> 
> ...


We are both in our 40's and have two kids in middle school. We've been married for 13 years. I don't think she wants anymore children or at least that's what she says. We both had other relationships prior to this one and We were intimate before marriage. I have talked with her about this very openly but it gets dismissed that I'm overreacting because I'm a "horndog". I feel more like a workhorse than a partner. Everything is fine if I keep my head down, don't rock the boat and keep the paychecks coming. I find myself getting jealous of the dog when she's petting her and in my mind I'm like "hey I'm right here, can I get a pat on the head at least too".


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## Bookeeper29 (6 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> Some context please. Your ages? How long married? Children? Were you intimate before marriage. Did both of you have prior sexual relationships?
> 
> When she wants you, is it during ovulation? That would be my guess. Is she wanting a child?
> 
> ...


We are both in our 40's and have two kids in middle school. We've been married for 13 years. I don't think she wants anymore children or at least that's what she says. We both had other relationships prior to this one and We were intimate before marriage. I have talked with her about this very openly but it gets dismissed that I'm overreacting because I'm a "horndog". I feel more like a workhorse than a partner. Everything is fine if I keep my head down, don't rock the boat and keep the paychecks coming. I find myself getting jealous of the dog when she's petting her and in my mind I'm like "hey I'm right here, can I get a pat on the head at least too".


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Bookeeper29 said:


> I have talked with her about this very openly but it gets dismissed that I'm overreacting because I'm a "horndog". I feel more like a workhorse than a partner. Everything is fine if I keep my head down, don't rock the boat and keep the paychecks coming.


So you are the provision provider, with two kids in middle school. Does she work? I am guessing no. She has you where the hairs are short so to speak. Your situation is identical to a lot of men of your age and in your situation. She believes she has you domesticated. The exit cost is so high, she is pretty sure a "horndog" doesn't need any petting and isn't likely run away. And if you do run away, she wins cash and prizes. Win/win for her lose/lose for you. She has the sex throttled back to the minimum you will semi-tolerate. Of course you resent it. 

Maybe her hormones are throttled back from age that the only time SHE wants it is when she is ovulating. When ovulation stops the sex may end totally. This of course is on her, because this is something SHE can fix if she wants to.

IMO, you only really have one *perhaps* useful option. Several on these forums have some success resurrecting their dying or dead bedroom. For one, @ccpowerslave decided he wasn't going to tolerate it. At the same time that he upped his physical attraction by aggressively working out and beginning martial arts, ( doing what he could control ), he sat his wife down and told her there was a time limit to his tolerance and it was fast approaching. His wife got the message (about what she could control ) and got with the program because first, his wife started seeing he was more attractive physically and that other women were noticing. Secondly he was serious as a heart attack and had decided he was out of the door without remedy if things didn't change. As I recall, their marriage counselor told her in front of him that if she wanted to be a single woman and soon, all she needed to do was continue throttling sex with her husband.

Do you want to live bitter and resentful this way for the next 20, 30, 40 years of your life? If not, take the bull by the horns and take action. Sometimes we have to be willing to lose something in order to possibly save it. You have to mean whatever you decide, and carry it through to where ever it leads. Don't make threats. Make promises.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Athol Kay's writings are trash. I read a couple of his books to make that determination.



Bookeeper29 said:


> We are both in our 40's and have two kids in middle school. We've been married for 13 years. I don't think she wants anymore children or at least that's what she says. We both had other relationships prior to this one and We were intimate before marriage. I have talked with her about this very openly but it gets dismissed that I'm overreacting because I'm a "horndog". I feel more like a workhorse than a partner. Everything is fine if I keep my head down, don't rock the boat and keep the paychecks coming. I find myself getting jealous of the dog when she's petting her and in my mind I'm like "hey I'm right here, can I get a pat on the head at least too".


It's not any more okay for her to dismiss your feelings than it is for you to dismiss hers. Clearly she has a low sex drive, but that doesn't make it okay for her to treat you like there is something wrong with you.
I don't think it's helping either of you to wait for your low drive wife to come to you. That creates an unhealthy power dynamic and results in less sex than before. I understand that it must be sad for you to realize that your wife isn't into sex as much as you hoped, but that doesn't have to keep you from having sex with her.
I think it's important for your wife to understand that this is a marriage problem, not a you problem, and that you two can work together to resolve it. I recommend you seek marriage counseling and see what can be done to make this work for both of you. When things are only working for one person and not the other, it impacts the marriage negatively.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

When you find you are jealous of the physical attention your wife is giving the dog, I think it's time to seriously evaluate leaving the marriage.


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## Bookeeper29 (6 mo ago)

Livvie said:


> When you find you are jealous of the physical attention your wife is giving the dog, I think it's time to seriously evaluate leaving the marriage.


It's been that way for several years. She'll come home and walk right by me and love all over the dog. If I don't initiate touch...there is no touch.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

Bookeeper29 said:


> It's been that way for several years. She'll come home and walk right by me and love all over the dog. If I don't initiate touch...there is no touch.


If it makes you feel any better, my wife loves the dog a LOT more than she likes me and the kids. She'll openly admit it, it's kind of cute though; after all the dog is a lot cuter and cuddlier than me. I think it's that way for a lot of households so don't feel bad. The other issues, I can't speak on.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Mybabysgotit said:


> If it makes you feel any better, my wife loves the dog a LOT more than she likes me and the kids. She'll openly admit it, it's kind of cute though; after all the dog is a lot cuter and cuddlier than me. I think it's that way for a lot of households so don't feel bad. The other issues, I can't speak on.


What on earth! That's not cute for anyone, especially not your children. It says a lot about what's going on in her head, and not in a good way.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Rus47 said:


> As I recall, their marriage counselor told her in front of him that if she wanted to be a single woman and soon, all she needed to do was continue throttling sex with her husband.


All correct except for this. Never went to MC although my wife did suggest it as an alternative to divorce.

The key point is you need to make sure that you’re not unattractive or doing unattractive things, because at that point you’re the best version of yourself.

If there’s still nothing then it’s time to <sh> or get off the pot. If having an actual wife (sexual relationship) is important to you and yours is done with that, even if it’s just for you, the remedy is simple and painful. It is easy to write but it took me many months to figure all this out and mourn the possible loss of my marriage.

My wife chose to stay and sort herself out. It has been years now but I still keep track of how often and what types of sex we have, but overall it doesn’t occupy any head space really and a couple times I forgot to fill it out and I couldn’t even remember. That happened this week. Yesterday though I was tired and I know she’s trying to finish stuff for work but she jumped into bed anyway to screw and run.

One other case I don’t think can be salvaged is if the gap in desire was always more than 3:1 and yet somehow you ended up married. In my opinion that is doomed.


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## Busy Washing My Hair (7 mo ago)

ccpowerslave said:


> All correct except for this. Never went to MC although my wife did suggest it as an alternative to divorce.
> 
> The key point is you need to make sure that you’re not unattractive or doing unattractive things, because at that point you’re the best version of yourself.
> 
> ...


At first I thought you were saying you kept mental track of sex, but wait, you actually keep a written record like a chart or something? Does your wife know? If so, how does she feel about it. Not trying to judge but I’ve never heard of anyone doing that. Do most guys secretly do that and I just don’t know?

Also, another serious question. Does it ever concern or bother you that your wife may be having much more frequent sex with you simply because she’s scared of you leaving? I mean has she actually developed a stronger desire for you/sex than whatever was happening years ago when you were ready to walk or is the “desire” really more of a desire to not lose you and not necessarily for the sex itself? And if so does it make any difference about how you view the sex she gives you? I don’t think I’m wording this question well. I mean, does knowing that she didn’t suddenly just grow this really strong sexual desire innately on her own and rather as a result of you letting her know things had to change or “else” make a difference in how you view the sex between you two? Does it feel not as genuine in some way compared to if she just naturally had that desire for sex? Does it feel forced, even if she enjoys herself during it, I guess? Would it have somehow meant more if she’d developed a much higher desire for sex with you on her own without you having to threaten the marriage over it? I am really curious and not making judgments.

To me, I feel like anything I have to force in a sense by basically saying we have more sex or else just wouldn’t seem the same as a spouse who just wanted to give me more sex on their own accord. I mean I’m not concerned about more sex so it doesn’t apply specifically to me but I’m just saying. I do feel this way about trying to change some of my husband’s behaviors. Like, if I have to do things to force you to change then it’s not as good in my eyes as somebody who I didn’t have to force. It seems disingenuous in a way, even if I ultimately get the results I’m looking for, you know?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Bookeeper29 said:


> I'm totally not pressuring her anymore like I did earlier in the marriage. I let her come to me these days.


This one gives me pause based on my last post. I never even noticed that we weren’t having sex as much until several years into the marriage and even then it took almost 20 years for me to get to a critical point where I tried to figure out what to do about it.

Was she ever able to come close to your desire level at any point? If not then that is a bad sign.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Seems odd she walks around the house wearing hardly any clothes. I have not heard of that for someone relatively LD, nor seen it in my sexless marriage.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Busy Washing My Hair said:


> you actually keep a written record like a chart or something? Does your wife know? If so, how does she feel about it. Not trying to judge but I’ve never heard of anyone doing that. Do most guys secretly do that and I just don’t know?


Yeah I use a diary app. I could export it to PDF and put it in a chart but I haven’t. There are a couple guys on here who have been in dead bedrooms who also keep track.

She did know when I started doing it a few years ago because I told her.

I didn’t care how she felt about it when I told her because I needed it as a tool for me to see if things were improving or not. If you’re mentally screwed up from severing an over 20 year marriage you want to have the right data to make that decision, or rather I do at least.



Busy Washing My Hair said:


> Does it ever concern or bother you that your wife may be having much more frequent sex with you simply because she’s scared of you leaving? I mean has she actually developed a stronger desire for you/sex than whatever was happening years ago when you were ready to walk or is the desire to have more of a desire to not lose you and not really for the sex with you?


To be honest I think there were several things at play. One of them is she holds resentment for many times she wanted me to do something and I didn’t do it. Normally things that took a large amount of my time that I didn’t find valuable but she did. This made me less attractive to her so instead I started saying yes to all those things gradually over a period of about two years. When I realized that it didn’t matter I started thinking about other options.

I think it took many months of her putting in “effort” to try to have sex. I knew she had it in her because when we first started going out she would wake me up at 1am just to screw. So she used to be perfectly working and then a bunch of stuff happened.

So like I said she had to work late yesterday until maybe 2:30am. I was tired because I have been killing it at work lately so I was like meh I’ll go to bed and was perfectly happy with that. She had other ideas though. So generally I would say she is mostly responsive desire but when the response comes with enthusiasm fake or real it I can’t tell the difference then it’s good enough.



Busy Washing My Hair said:


> I mean, does knowing that she didn’t suddenly just grow this really strong sexual desire innately on her own and rather as a result of you letting her know things had to change or else make a difference in how you view the sex between you two? Would it have somehow meant more if shed’d developed a much higher desire for sex with you on her own without you having to threaten the marriage over it?


I think if she literally viewed it as a checklist item like brushing her teeth that would be a problem.

If her motivation is she wants me to be happy and doing that makes her happy that’s good enough for me. These days I’d say on average it’s 50:50. Some days she is aggressive and other days she’s available.



Busy Washing My Hair said:


> Maybe none of these things I bring up matters at all to you and you’re just happy that she’s engaging in more regular sex regardless of what specifically prompted it, which is fine, but I’m just wondering.


She has to be happy with it or it’s no good. She still has resentment about things and it will come out in rare occasions. Generally though I would say we are happy with things and I’m not looking to change anything.

One other difference is she will molest me and such in the house. She likes strong guys with muscles and I work out a lot and she likes that so she will grab my arms and such if we’re just in the kitchen. That’s worth a lot too.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Busy Washing My Hair said:


> Do most guys secretly do that and I just don’t know?


Don't know about most guys. Sex has never been an issue with us so the only time I kept records related to my performance about 2 years back when started having some ED issues. I took responsibility for fixing my problems instead of just telling the wife "that is just how things are". Trying to figure out if it was side effect of drugs, time of day, when ED meds worked or didn't, how T supplementation was working. I kept a list in the "notes" on my cell phone. Worked great. 

So I can well imagine any man having issues with sex would start making a list and checking it twice. Some men have recounted their "wives" having memory lapse about when the last engagement happened. So keeping a list keeps it real in black and white.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Rus47 said:


> So I can well imagine any man having issues with sex would start making a list and checking it twice. Some men have recounted their "wives" having memory lapse about when the last engagement happened. So keeping a list keeps it real in black and white.


This. You have a health problem, you track it. Weight? Blood pressure? Blood sugar? You track it and see if the changes you’re making are doing anything. Then you monitor it.


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## Bookeeper29 (6 mo ago)

PieceOfSky said:


> Seems odd she walks around the house wearing hardly any clothes. I have not heard of that for someone relatively LD, nor seen it in my sexless marriage.


I know right! Drives me crazy. Please wear clothes if you are not interested.


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## Busy Washing My Hair (7 mo ago)

Bookeeper29 said:


> I know right! Drives me crazy. Please wear clothes if you are not interested.


Maybe she’s just comfortable without a lot of clothes on. I’m also LD but prefer less clothes on in my home, often just wearing a T-shirt with underwear on the weekend if I’m not going anywhere. I also prefer silky and lacy lingerie just because it makes me feel good.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Bookeeper29 said:


> I know right! Drives me crazy. Please wear clothes if you are not interested.


She is taunting you! Saying "I know you want some of this but no treats for you horndog!" Start ignoring her. Look away.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Busy Washing My Hair said:


> Maybe she’s just comfortable without a lot of clothes on. I’m also LD but prefer less clothes on in my home, often just wearing a T-shirt with underwear on the weekend if I’m not going anywhere. I also prefer silky and lacy lingerie just because it makes me feel good.


So you are taunting your husband too  Maybe unconscious payback. More of the stuff you two torment one another with in your "marriage".


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Busy Washing My Hair said:


> Maybe she’s just comfortable without a lot of clothes on. I’m also LD but prefer less clothes on in my home, often just wearing a T-shirt with underwear on the weekend if I’m not going anywhere. I also prefer silky and lacy lingerie just because it makes me feel good.


Oh gosh…

My wife does the laundry naked a lot of mornings I’m like holy crap Y u do dis!!!


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

ccpowerslave said:


> Oh gosh…
> 
> My wife does the laundry naked a lot of mornings I’m like holy crap Y u do dis!!!


Did she do the laundry naked during the low sex years? Just curious.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

PieceOfSky said:


> Did she do the laundry naked during the low sex years? Just curious.


Yeah. She doesn’t have body image issues she walks around in the house naked in the morning. What really got me nutty is when she’d wear tight sleepwear. I was like excuse me (cries inside).


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## Busy Washing My Hair (7 mo ago)

ccpowerslave said:


> Yeah. She doesn’t have body image issues she walks around in the house naked in the morning. What really got me nutty is when she’d wear tight sleepwear. I was like excuse me (cries inside).


Yes, I think a lot of people want to jump to a woman who is LD or just not having sex with her husband for whatever reason automatically having some sort of body image issues that must be at play.

Maybe doing chores naked is a female thing. I’ve been known to clean naked because I hate getting all sweaty in my clothes.


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## Busy Washing My Hair (7 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> So you are taunting your husband too  Maybe unconscious payback. More of the stuff you two torment one another with in your "marriage".


Im not trying to taunt him. Just because I don’t like sex all that much I should walk around in baggy sweats all the time? Truthfully, I do prefer the lingerie as it makes me feel sexy but women can want to feel that way just for themselves and not to tease a man every time.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Conversely, I would not consider myself to be 'low drive' and yet if I'm cleaning or dossing around I'm more likely to be in sweat-pants. My husband still demonstrates / initiates sexual interest when I'm wearing sweat-pants and easily shimmies them off. Granted, it's not necessarily a coincidence that I haven't finished dressing or undressing as I hear him approaching our bedroom. I'm fully aware that in those moments he's entering the room to a view of me from behind in say a t-shirt and underwear, and to which he responds. And sleep naked or semi-naked. But, I'm not doing chores that way. So while I'm typically 'on' for our sexual encounters, and he knows this, it could be thought that my clothing in daily home life may not signal that; if one wasn't paying attention or didn't know better. Therefore, I'd imagine there's a place for the opposite to occur, whereby it could be thought that the clothing (or lack of) in daily home life may signal that sexual attention is wanted; if one wasn't paying attention or didn't know better. Then again, I think I just gave myself a slight headache musing on this aspect.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Bookeeper29 said:


> I'm new here. Just need to talk to someone/vent. Really struggling with the mismatched sex drive of me and my wife. She is totally fine with having sex once a month or so. I've only recently figured out that most of our sex has been maintenance sex where she does it just as her wifely duty. That's not what I want at all. She has always been extremely passive in bed but I thought she was just shy but now it seems that the reason is she really just isn't into it unless it's been a long time and then she's a little more engaged. She has no problem reaching orgasm when she's ready to do so. I've tried changing up the routine, roleplay, date nights, intimate time with no expectation of sex, talking with her about what i can do to make it better for her, etc... I'm at the point I would rather just refrain from sex completely because it only gets me going and then I'll have to wait another month for her to be "ready" again. To top it off she walks around the house wearing hardly any clothes. Drives me crazy!! Not sure what to do anymore.


How did you recently figure this out / come to the conclusion or realization?

When you have talked with her about what you can do - what has she suggested or done - if anything?


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

It’s been my experience that my LD wife, my sex averse wife, does not find much opportunity to be naked in circumstances where I’d have much opportunity to enjoy it, be aroused, or smoke some hopium and believe for a moment her being visible was an invitation

The lingerie I’ve purchased over the years lies in a box, worn once if ever.

I think it’s a fair assumption that if someone had body image issues, then being nude in front of others might be something he or she tends to avoid.

I’ve never imagined my wife’s aversion to sex with me has had anything to do with issues she has with her own image; there was a time she blamed it on my image, however.

From what i remember from years of reading here, there are usually many possible factors discussed and considered besides body image ones. It’s always a possibility it’s a factor, but I don’t recall it being a frequent one.

I think it’s impossible to really know what a lot of other people think, and any presumption that I do know I hope I will pause and reflect on — it can easily turn out to be wishful thinking, an attempt to justifying something I already believe. YMMV.

To the OP, I suggest never letting an opportunity to convey to your wife how attractive she is as she moves through your world uncovered. It may or may not be an invitation from her, it may or may not be something a part of her was hoping to hear from you. But saying it might matter to her. And for a moment, she’ll know what is in your head.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Bookeeper29 said:


> I'm new here. Just need to talk to someone/vent. Really struggling with the mismatched sex drive of me and my wife. She is totally fine with having sex once a month or so. I've only recently figured out that most of our sex has been maintenance sex where she does it just as her wifely duty. That's not what I want at all. She has always been extremely passive in bed but I thought she was just shy but now it seems that the reason is she really just isn't into it unless it's been a long time and then she's a little more engaged. She has no problem reaching orgasm when she's ready to do so. I've tried changing up the routine, roleplay, date nights, intimate time with no expectation of sex, talking with her about what i can do to make it better for her, etc... I'm at the point I would rather just refrain from sex completely because it only gets me going and then I'll have to wait another month for her to be "ready" again. To top it off she walks around the house wearing hardly any clothes. Drives me crazy!! Not sure what to do anymore.


 there has been a lot said so I will not harp on the same things as others , 
first your have to call a spade a spade any of the so called experts will say sex once a month drops in the catagory of sexless marrage, 
IMPORTANT question for two people in their 40s two kids and don't want more , What are you doing in the line of contraception ?
A sexless marriage can also be caused by both emotional and physical health issues. Depression or stress, as well as many medications, can decrease libido. You may also find your libidos were mismatched to begin with, or that you’re never “in the mood” at the same time. 
Most couples don’t choose to be in a sexless relationship. It’s often something that happens gradually.
long work hours, financial stress or a new baby, and you never seem to recover.yours at now in their teens and all that comes with that Weeks turn into months with no intimacy, and you find yourself in a no-sex marriage.

The short answer is that yes, a sexless marriage can survive – but it can come at a cost. If one partner desires sex but the other is uninterested, lack of sex can lead to decreased intimacy and connection, feelings of resentment and even infidelity. Even in situations where both partners are on the same page – both have low sex drives, there is a physical distance like military deployment or a disability or medical condition causing the sexless marriage – the couple must be vigilant about creating intimacy in other ways. and one starts to see the other in having nothing other than sex on their mine all the time as you say horny dog ,

For people that have sex often it is only a small part of their life but for people that don't it becomes 90% of their life and relationship .

If you’re in the first type of sexless marriage – one where uneven sex drives or other relationship problems are making you feel disconnected and unloved – it’s essential that you work on restoring passion and intimacy. Often, a sexless marriage can survive only because the partners convince themselves it’s normal, and they must keep a brave face. 
She has offer marriage counseling if you want to save your marriage you need to get past your fear of expressing yourself

Communication will only improve your connection if you’re willing to be completely open and honest,
Communication is the only way to create true intimacy in a relationship – and a sexless relationship is about intimacy more than it is about sex. 
Sex and intimacy aren’t the same thing – but they are inextricably linked. More so for women .

some will tell you that your not been remantic and the questions will come "are you dating her or still seducing her, 
but this is a trap because they put you thinking that sex is a game or a end of the day thing where to people that have not connected all day step into the bedroom and he must play the lover game and to have sex has to become a seducer, 
what is sex in your eyes is another question , what is foreplay because many here will say you must not be working long enough on foreplay , truth is if you have been together for a long time you know each other so well that you can read eachothers minds ,
Ever get the one where if one of one starts to say something the other can finsh the sentance .So foreplay can drop into an atack move a bit like reading Putins mind the days before he attacked Ukrain, so your wife just has two choise one give in and become a sperm dump with as much feelings as a woman taking it for her country , 

FOREPLAY IS EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS FROM THE LAST TIME YOU MADE LOVE , 

In order to thrive, a relationship needs masculine and feminine energies. These contrasting energies are similar to the negative and positive charges on a magnet – when together, this creates polarity in a relationship. Feminine energy focuses more on emotion and connection, while the driving force behind masculine energy is working toward an end goal. Regardless of gender, there must be masculine energy in one partner and feminine energy in the other for a relationship to succeed. 
We don't know what type person you are ,
Examine the roles you and your partner have taken on in your marriage. Have they changed over time?
Did the partner with feminine energy take on a new role that requires more results-driven traits?
You talk about been the provider 

A last point I like to make we went through lockdown with covid how did that effect your cohabitation, for many it increased their sex life did yours drop or just stay the same ? and covid has had a impact on how people interact and many have become less socal .

I am sorry for the way this post has become all most a book .


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

Bookeeper29 said:


> It's been that way for several years. She'll come home and walk right by me and love all over the dog. If I don't initiate touch...there is no touch.


Some women expect from the man to initiate intimacy. Just saying.

Did your wife ever initiate on her own? How were things back then?

If you want her to smile at you and initiate herself then what are you doing to make this possible? 

Do you take care of your hygiene and keep yourself in good shape? Do you bath regularly, shave frequently, and use perfume?

Do you complain and nag or you are willing to be communicative?

These things are important.

How are other things in your marriage? Your wife under stress or approaching menopause? Something else?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Luckily, my wife never walked naked around the house...  but with kids, it wasn't really possible. It would have killed me...


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Busy Washing My Hair said:


> Just because I don’t like sex all that much





Busy Washing My Hair said:


> Truthfully, I do prefer the lingerie as it makes me feel sexy


So you don't like sex but like to feel sexy? Around the man who you aren't attracted to. I would think you would cover up when he was around to keep from giving him any erroneous ideas. As I said, you probably do this unconsciously, and it would sure seem to taunt him. Just like the OP's wife is doing and for the same reason. Like dragging a steak on a string back and forth in front of cage of a starving Tiger. If the Tiger was fed well and regularly it wouldn't be as tormenting as if it is starved.

OP's wife is more open and intentional about what she is doing because she just calls him a "horndog" when he tried to discuss their issue with her, and gives the actual pet dog some attention.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Rus47 said:


> Like dragging a steak on a string back and forth in front of cage of a starving Tiger. If the Tiger was fed well and regularly it wouldn't be as tormenting as if it is starved.


Well my wife wasn’t doing it on purpose she always did it. You’re right though eventually the tiger is going to lash out at the person with the steak.

In my case when I was figuring out my plan if I went to say brush my teeth and my wife was walking around naked I just left.


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## Busy Washing My Hair (7 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> So you don't like sex but like to feel sexy? Around the man who you aren't attracted to. I would think you would cover up when he was around to keep from giving him any erroneous ideas. As I said, you probably do this unconsciously, and it would sure seem to taunt him. Just like the OP's wife is doing and for the same reason. Like dragging a steak on a string back and forth in front of cage of a starving Tiger. If the Tiger was fed well and regularly it wouldn't be as tormenting as if it is starved.
> 
> OP's wife is more open and intentional about what she is doing because she just calls him a "horndog" when he tried to discuss their issue with her, and gives the actual pet dog some attention.


Idk, me walking around the house in little to no clothes has never really seemed to get much of a reaction out of him. I’ll be honest, my husband and has never really made me feel like a very desirable women in that sense. I used to intentionally do things like that or buy certain lingerie and stuff to try to get a reaction from him. I might not really like sex but I still want to be found attractive and wanted and years ago when I did have sex for his sake it was different I guess. I still wanted the attention. Half the time it was like he didn’t event notice. Now maybe I’m misremembering what it used to be like. He’s definitely that way now and I can understand why he’d be that way now but I can’t ever recall it being dramatically different.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Bookeeper29 said:


> We are both in our 40's and have two kids in middle school. We've been married for 13 years. I don't think she wants anymore children or at least that's what she says. We both had other relationships prior to this one and We were intimate before marriage. I have talked with her about this very openly but it gets dismissed that I'm overreacting because I'm a "horndog". I feel more like a workhorse than a partner. Everything is fine if I keep my head down, don't rock the boat and keep the paychecks coming. I find myself getting jealous of the dog when she's petting her and in my mind I'm like "hey I'm right here, can I get a pat on the head at least too".


Horn dog! WTH!!!! Wife and I have sex 4-5days a week, barring sickness/injury. You are not even close to being a horn dog. 

She is just throwing you a bone monthly to keep you there. Hell it does not even have any meat on it. 

At one time, our sex life was ~3times a month. I was ready to eject as I felt unloved and rejected. I quit initiating, had so much resentment, I shut her initiation down a few times. I dropped 60 lbs and hit the weights. She was being moved to roommate status emotionally. I was getting prepared to be single again. I was not happy in my marriage. She had become all about being super mom and forgot she was a wife and lover first.

It hit her I was checked out and about to eject. It is all straightened out now. She was so obsessed with mother duties she was not realizing we were only having sex like every 10-12 days. Once she was pissy about me bringing it up and she said "We just had sex the other day" The other day was 12 days ago. She was loosing trach of her days because she was over compensation with the kids, due to her poor childhood.


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

Divinely Favored said:


> Horn dog! WTH!!!! Wife and I have sex 4-5days a week, barring sickness/injury. You are not even close to being a horn dog.
> 
> She is just throwing you a bone monthly to keep you there. Hell it does not even have any meat on it.
> 
> ...


Yes, this husband is not even remotely close to being a "horn dog."

He should answer some questions though.









Hello all


Do most guys secretly do that and I just don’t know? Don't know about most guys. Sex has never been an issue with us so the only time I kept records related to my performance about 2 years back when started having some ED issues. I took responsibility for fixing my problems instead of just...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com





Better view of his situation is needed. How is he himself in terms of hygiene and communication.

You started to work out and change yourself = this worked.


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## Bookeeper29 (6 mo ago)

I think that in the process of trying to spice things up (which encompassed a myriad of new ideas) she was very complacent and wanted to pretty much lay there and not really participate. I came to the realization that "hey this has always been onesided" I know I should have realized that years ago but I'm not the sharpest crayon in the box when it comes to understanding women. 😔 so I just asked her and she said that she rarely actually wants to make love and she does it just to "pacify me". Ouch! This was my bride and the woman I love admitting she has pretty much always just engaged in sex as like a chore to be checked off her to do list. It made me feel like I had been forcing myself on her all these years. So now I feel myself pulling away and the gap gets wider with each passing day.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Busy Washing My Hair said:


> Idk, me walking around the house in little to no clothes has never really seemed to get much of a reaction out of him.


Ok, so he isnt like most husbands and you aren’t like most wives after having lot of issues over lot of years. He doesnt float your boat and you dont float his. Its no wonder you arent attracted to him if he doesnt show that you attract him. My wife knows full well I desire her. And would be very hurt if I didnt.

I feel very sorry for both of you wasting your one and only life making one another miserable.

But this is likely a thread jack so I will just stop here.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Divinely Favored said:


> We just had sex the other day" The other day was 12 days ago. She was loosing trach of her days because she was over compensation with the kids, due to her poor childhood.


This is why some men keep written records


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## Bookeeper29 (6 mo ago)

frenchpaddy said:


> there has been a lot said so I will not harp on the same things as others ,
> first your have to call a spade a spade any of the so called experts will say sex once a month drops in the catagory of sexless marrage,
> IMPORTANT question for two people in their 40s two kids and don't want more , What are you doing in the line of contraception ?
> A sexless marriage can also be caused by both emotional and physical health issues. Depression or stress, as well as many medications, can decrease libido. You may also find your libidos were mismatched to begin with, or that you’re never “in the mood” at the same time.
> ...


No need for contraception. She had her tubes tied after our second child. 
She did go back to work last year. It wasn't for the money because we were fine on my salary. It was more because she needed something with the kids being older and more self sufficient. Lockdown really didn't change much for us. My job was deemed essential so other than wearing masks we pretty much proceeded as normal.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Bookeeper29 said:


> so I just asked her and she said that she rarely actually wants to make love and she does it just to "pacify me". Ouch! This was my bride and the woman I love admitting she has pretty much always just engaged in sex as like a chore to be checked off her to do list.


How recently did this happen? Did you get clarification of how long this has been her motivation? Was she doing the same fake BEFORE you walked the aisle?

In your shoes I would be asking a lot of questions to learn how deep her dishonesty goes. You may have nothing that can be restored. Working on you is still a good idea because gets your mind off of her crap and gets you ready for a better life going forward.

BTW, was this your first marriage? And if not, what was the previous one like?

Until recently she was SAHM? So you were the provisioner. Sorry for that but its good she back working.


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## Bookeeper29 (6 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> This is why some men keep written records


That sounds familiar. "We just had sex" and I say sweetheart that was 20 days ago.


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## Bookeeper29 (6 mo ago)

LeGenDary_Man said:


> Yes, this husband is not even remotely close to being a "horn dog."
> 
> He should answer some questions though.
> 
> ...


I feel like I'm pretty good at communicating. When we have these conversations I'm initiating them and trying to convey how I feel and then being sure to listen to her and her point of view. 
I have good hygein. I train 5 days a week. Weightlifting and Brazilian jujitsu are my hobbies so showering and being clean is a must. I'm in very good shape for my age. I'm not sure of current body fat % but my abs are plainly visible.


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## Bookeeper29 (6 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> How recently did this happen? Did you get clarification of how long this has been her motivation? Was she doing the same fake BEFORE you walked the aisle?
> 
> In your shoes I would be asking a lot of questions to learn how deep her dishonesty goes. You may have nothing that can be restored. Working on you is still a good idea because gets your mind off of her crap and gets you ready for a better life going forward.
> 
> ...


Looking back she was definitely more active in bed when we were dating. Not an alpha female by any stretch but not like completely passive like now. This is my first marriage. She had been married before but only for a year or so right out of high-school. I'll have to get her to clarify how long she's been treating sex as a maintenance task.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Rus47 said:


> She is taunting you! Saying "I know you want some of this but no treats for you horndog!" Start ignoring her. Look away.


Or let her see you looking at porn instead.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Rus47 said:


> I feel very sorry for both of you wasting your one and only life making one another miserable.


That line needs to be a sticky.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

Rus47 said:


> IMO, you only really have one *perhaps* useful option. Several on these forums have some success resurrecting their dying or dead bedroom. For one, @ccpowerslave decided he wasn't going to tolerate it. At the same time that he upped his physical attraction by aggressively working out and beginning martial arts, ( doing what he could control ), he sat his wife down and told her there was a time limit to his tolerance and it was fast approaching. His wife got the message (about what she could control ) and got with the program because first, his wife started seeing he was more attractive physically and that other women were noticing. Secondly he was serious as a heart attack and had decided he was out of the door without remedy if things didn't change. As I recall, their marriage counselor told her in front of him that if she wanted to be a single woman and soon, all she needed to do was continue throttling sex with her husband.
> 
> Do you want to live bitter and resentful this way for the next 20, 30, 40 years of your life? If not, take the bull by the horns and take action. Sometimes we have to be willing to lose something in order to possibly save it. You have to mean whatever you decide, and carry it through to where ever it leads. Don't make threats. Make promises.


You know we are talking about his wife, not a dog? You don't tell your spouse to either have more sex with me by X date, or watch me attract another lady as I get into better shape..... That would be a sure way to get her to lose all respect for you and devastate her on the inside. That is also a form of emotional abuse which is never the answer.

I would suggest the help of a sex therapist where you both have individual and joint counseling together. I also recommend a full medical checkup from an experienced hormone doctor. But a third party sex therapist could help her realize the importance of sex to a guy. They could also point out what either you or both of you are doing wrong in the relationship outside of the bedroom. It could be something major like hormone imbalance. Or it could be something like she is bored of the same routine and wants variety, etc. But it's not true as some make it out to be that women just lose the drive for sex and see you only as a paycheck. I have been married nearly 15 years and the sex life is fully alive and well. Other than period, illness, or being away. I can't remember the last time we went a full workweek without sex.


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

Bookeeper29 said:


> I feel like I'm pretty good at communicating. When we have these conversations I'm initiating them and trying to convey how I feel and then being sure to listen to her and her point of view.
> I have good hygein. I train 5 days a week. Weightlifting and Brazilian jujitsu are my hobbies so showering and being clean is a must. I'm in very good shape for my age. I'm not sure of current body fat % but my abs are plainly visible.


You are doing great on a personal level. Your situation is surprising TBH.

Is your wife under stress? Anything other matter of concern in your marriage? Kids?


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Bookeeper29 said:


> Looking back she was definitely more active in bed when we were dating. Not an alpha female by any stretch but not like completely passive like now. This is my first marriage. She had been married before but only for a year or so right out of high-school. I'll have to get her to clarify how long she's been treating sex as a maintenance task.


Forget the physical working on you. You lift weights and do martial arts like @ccpowerslave did to improve himself. If your wife doesnt want you, there will plenty of other womrn who do. I bet you get looked over every day. Maybe that pisses her off, but if so she has strange ways of responding.


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## Bookeeper29 (6 mo ago)

LeGenDary_Man said:


> You are doing great on a personal level. Your situation is surprising TBH.
> 
> Is your wife under stress? Anything other matter of concern in your marriage? Kids?


She has some stress from her job I'm sure but nothing I'd call extreme. Kids are doing great. They are both very smart and doing well in school and are active in kids competitive jujitsu. They take kids classes where I train.
I get a sense that there has to be something my wife is holding back. Something she is not telling me. Hopefully she will agree to go to counseling.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Yeah I mean if you’re the man and you’re squared away and she doesn’t want it then I mean it sucks but there’s nothing you can really do about that.

That’s where I got to.

At that point she needs to decide what she wants. For my wife her line was, “I never think about sex and it’s not a priority to me.” Now she’s a busy lady and I’m like well that’s ok but if staying married is a priority to you then you had better figure out how to squeeze it in. It took a bit but we sorted it out.


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

Bookeeper29 said:


> She has some stress from her job I'm sure but nothing I'd call extreme. Kids are doing great. They are both very smart and doing well in school and are active in kids competitive jujitsu. They take kids classes where I train.
> I get a sense that there has to be something my wife is holding back. Something she is not telling me. Hopefully she will agree to go to counseling.


OK. Thanks for answering my questions.

You are physically fit and take care of yourself = You are attractive.

Your kids are doing well = No stress and tension between you and your wife in this context.

This much is settled.



Bookeeper29 said:


> I get a sense that there has to be something my wife is holding back. Something she is not telling me. Hopefully she will agree to go to counseling.


What is the status of her socialization? She have trustworthy friends who respect your marriage?

You two are able to find quality time for each other besides sex?

Is she satisfied with her job?

Sorry for asking more questions; I am trying to help you get to the bottom of you situation.

I have some pointers for you but I want to rule out other possibilities before sharing them with you.


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## Bookeeper29 (6 mo ago)

LeGenDary_Man said:


> OK. Thanks for answering my questions.
> 
> You are physically fit and take care of yourself = You are attractive.
> 
> ...


She has absolutely no close friends. I have always found that VERY strange. She has acquaintances and had friends in high-school but no adult friends at all. Also she is not on speaking terms with any of her siblings or parents. 
We don't get much time together. Our schedules are different and I only see her a couple of hours in the evenings. I did institute a date night several months ago which we still do weekly. Her job has some stress but she really likes it and sees it as her calling and l admit she is excellent at her job.


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

Bookeeper29 said:


> She has absolutely no close friends. I have always found that VERY strange. She has acquaintances and had friends in high-school but no adult friends at all. Also she is not on speaking terms with any of her siblings or parents.


There is NO need for her to have many friends in life; only good ones who respect your marriage.

Female friends = Acceptable
Male friends = Not acceptable

She is not on speaking terms with her siblings and parents? This might be affecting her to some extent.

She want to make amends with her siblings and parents?



Bookeeper29 said:


> We don't get much time together. Our schedules are different and I only see her a couple of hours in the evenings. I did institute a date night several months ago which we still do weekly. Her job has some stress but she really likes it and sees it as her calling and l admit she is excellent at her job.


This is a "problem." You two [must] find time for each other on daily basis. This will help her BOND with you.

Can you convince her to find a new job with a schedule that match yours (or) have her work hours rescheduled to match yours (or) work from home?

I do following:

I watch movies with my wife at home (frequently)
I watch moves with my wife in a cinema (sometimes)
I take my wife to a park for a walk (frequently, but I will make this a routine soon)
I take my wife to shopping mall(s) for shopping and help her buy things (frequently)
I take my wife to restaurants (sometimes)
I have introduced my wife to PC games of my choice. She does not have much interest in this but she is willing to play some [with me]. I have a high-performance laptop.

You can do all of the above as well. Maybe not PC gaming but you can schedule [exercise sessions with your wife] since you are into fitness. You can do Yoga with her as well.

Have you watched the song Call On Me?  Ahem.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

Cynthia said:


> What on earth! That's not cute for anyone, especially not your children. It says a lot about what's going on in her head, and not in a good way.


lol....yeah, I kind of said that tongue in cheek,


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

PieceOfSky said:


> It’s been my experience that my LD wife, my sex averse wife, does not find much opportunity to be naked in circumstances where I’d have much opportunity to enjoy it, be aroused, or smoke some hopium and believe for a moment her being visible was an invitation
> 
> The lingerie I’ve purchased over the years lies in a box, worn once if ever.


Sorry brother. This makes me sad. I’ve been there with my ex wife. It’s not fun.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Bookeeper29 said:


> No need for contraception. She had her tubes tied after our second child.
> She did go back to work last year. It wasn't for the money because we were fine on my salary. It was more because she needed something with the kids being older and more self sufficient. Lockdown really didn't change much for us. My job was deemed essential so other than wearing masks we pretty much proceeded as normal.


 Learn what you can do in a sexless marriage that will allow you to regain that physical intimacy and connection.
What are your relationship goals? Many of us desire a lasting, fulfilling, long-term relationship – yet the passion often fizzles. 
Even the most passionate relationships hit rough patches over the long term. Children and parents change the dynamic. Illness and money worries create stress. Sometimes, you just start taking each other for granted. While passion is essential to start the fire, passion alone won't sustain you or your partner through the really tough times.
Truly extraordinary relationships don't come to people because they are lucky, unusually well-matched or drowning in great chemistry. Extraordinary, long-lasting relationships come from hard work, determination and commitment. They're built on strong relationship guidelines that both partners believe in.
Real relationship goals aren't about fixing your partner. They're about both people taking responsibility for their own role in the problem.
Often no sex or little sex is just the tip of the ice, you need to get your self and your wife into a plan on finding out what you want out of life and then what needs to change , and don't just hide because of fear of ending up alone .
IF help is needed to fix any part get the right help .


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Bookeeper29 said:


> To top it off she walks around the house wearing hardly any clothes. Drives me crazy!!





Busy Washing My Hair said:


> Maybe she’s just comfortable without a lot of clothes on. I’m also LD but prefer less clothes on in my home, often just wearing a T-shirt with underwear on the weekend if I’m not going anywhere. I also prefer silky and lacy lingerie just because it makes me feel good.





ccpowerslave said:


> My wife does the laundry naked a lot of mornings I’m like holy crap Y u do dis!!!


I gotta say, I'm inspired and impressed by all the women on here with perfect bodies. I know BWMH is younger (I think 30s?) but I believe Mrs. CC is 40ish and I'm not sure how old the OP's wife is. That is impressive because as you age it is really hard to stay perfect. Even when I was early 30s and my hip bones jutted out and you could count my ribs I still had cellulite on my butt so I couldn't be naked. It is NOT easy and that is very impressive. I'm going to use it to push me harder on the bike, even though it doesn't matter because that won't ever happen for me, because clearly it's possible to get closer, especially now that I can afford liposuction if I ever get all the weight off. Silver lining. 😎


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## Busy Washing My Hair (7 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I gotta say, I'm inspired and impressed by all the women on here with perfect bodies. I know BWMH is younger (I think 30s?) but I believe Mrs. CC is 40ish and I'm not sure how old the OP's wife is. That is impressive because as you age it is really hard to stay perfect. Even when I was early 30s and my hip bones jutted out and you could count my ribs I still had cellulite on my butt so I couldn't be naked. It is NOT easy and that is very impressive. I'm going to use it to push me harder on the bike, even though it doesn't matter because that won't ever happen for me, because clearly it's possible to get closer, especially now that I can afford liposuction if I ever get all the weight off. Silver lining. 😎


I don’t have a perfect body. There are things about my body I don’t like. I just still feel comfortable being naked in my own home and around my husband. I’ve never really felt weird about nudity in my entire life so maybe it’s just something I’m naturally more comfortable with. It doesn’t mean that I’m always comfortable going out wearing revealing clothing or that I want to be in a tiny bikini in front of a bunch of strangers at the moment. I’ve actually been invited to a pool party but don’t want to go because I’m not happy with my body right now.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> That is impressive because as you age it is really hard to stay perfect.


Don’t have to be perfect. Remember, their old man is just that too. And us old men are attracted to our wives. In my minds eye wife is still the hottie she was at 17.

And honestly, my wife looks about two decades younger than her age. She has lived healthy all of her life, no bad habits


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> Don’t have to be perfect. Remember, their old man is just that too. And us old men are attracted to our wives. In my minds eye wife is still the hottie she was at 17.
> 
> And honestly, my wife looks about two decades younger than her age. She has lived healthy all of her life, no bad habits


So she still has a perfect young body. Good for her!


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I gotta say, I'm inspired and impressed by all the women on here with perfect bodies. I know BWMH is younger (I think 30s?) but I believe Mrs. CC is 40ish and I'm not sure how old the OP's wife is. That is impressive because as you age it is really hard to stay perfect. Even when I was early 30s and my hip bones jutted out and you could count my ribs I still had cellulite on my butt so I couldn't be naked. It is NOT easy and that is very impressive. I'm going to use it to push me harder on the bike, even though it doesn't matter because that won't ever happen for me, because clearly it's possible to get closer, especially now that I can afford liposuction if I ever get all the weight off. Silver lining. 😎


My wife is pushing 50. She is far from perfect but I like her overall shape. I think I am more like you. If I am going to strut around I want to look perfect basically because that’s how I try to do everything.

I was in line at the pharmacy today and the lady behind me asked if I was a basketball player. So in street clothes I look imposing but still no for strutting.

The last time I tried it was November after a run with two professional boxers and a couple nationals level amateur fighters. After runs like that they normally rip their shirts off and flex for a bit and take pictures. Since I kept up with them for half of it maybe before I got dropped I was like F-it and I took mine off and started flexing and my coach is like damn you’re blinding me put your shirt on.

😩


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

She won’t start? You have to keep trying. If you quit and settle for her once-a-month plan, it will soon be once-per-season then once a year. Do not give up. As Wayne Gretzky said “you miss 100 percent of the shots you don’t take.”


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Kind of a threadjack so I’m editing. Anyway, I have no advice for the OP. I’m always confused, if she’s willing I don’t get the problem. I hope he’s able to figure it out.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Bookeeper29 said:


> I'm new here. Just need to talk to someone/vent. Really struggling with the mismatched sex drive of me and my wife. She is totally fine with having sex once a month or so. I've only recently figured out that most of our sex has been maintenance sex where she does it just as her wifely duty. That's not what I want at all. She has always been extremely passive in bed but I thought she was just shy but now it seems that the reason is she really just isn't into it unless it's been a long time and then she's a little more engaged. She has no problem reaching orgasm when she's ready to do so. I've tried changing up the routine, roleplay, date nights, intimate time with no expectation of sex, talking with her about what i can do to make it better for her, etc... I'm at the point I would rather just refrain from sex completely because it only gets me going and then I'll have to wait another month for her to be "ready" again. To top it off she walks around the house wearing hardly any clothes. Drives me crazy!! Not sure what to do anymore.


Have you just told her you need more frequency?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Bookeeper29 said:


> We are both in our 40's and have two kids in middle school. We've been married for 13 years. I don't think she wants anymore children or at least that's what she says. We both had other relationships prior to this one and We were intimate before marriage. I have talked with her about this very openly but it gets dismissed that I'm overreacting because I'm a "horndog". I feel more like a workhorse than a partner. Everything is fine if I keep my head down, don't rock the boat and keep the paychecks coming. I find myself getting jealous of the dog when she's petting her and in my mind I'm like "hey I'm right here, can I get a pat on the head at least too".


That's what I get for jumping ahead.

This is unacceptable and you have a long road ahead regardless of the path you choose.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Rus47 said:


> So you are the provision provider, with two kids in middle school. Does she work? I am guessing no. She has you where the hairs are short so to speak. Your situation is identical to a lot of men of your age and in your situation. She believes she has you domesticated. The exit cost is so high, she is pretty sure a "horndog" doesn't need any petting and isn't likely run away. And if you do run away, she wins cash and prizes. Win/win for her lose/lose for you. She has the sex throttled back to the minimum you will semi-tolerate. Of course you resent it.
> 
> Maybe her hormones are throttled back from age that the only time SHE wants it is when she is ovulating. When ovulation stops the sex may end totally. This of course is on her, because this is something SHE can fix if she wants to.
> 
> ...


@farsidejunky had success as well.

@Bookeeper29 , there are old threads here that can help you because these guys already did the work and you can enjoy the benefit from reading about it.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Busy Washing My Hair said:


> At first I thought you were saying you kept mental track of sex, but wait, you actually keep a written record like a chart or something? Does your wife know? If so, how does she feel about it. Not trying to judge but I’ve never heard of anyone doing that. Do most guys secretly do that and I just don’t know?
> 
> Also, another serious question. Does it ever concern or bother you that your wife may be having much more frequent sex with you simply because she’s scared of you leaving? I mean has she actually developed a stronger desire for you/sex than whatever was happening years ago when you were ready to walk or is the “desire” really more of a desire to not lose you and not necessarily for the sex itself? And if so does it make any difference about how you view the sex she gives you? I don’t think I’m wording this question well. I mean, does knowing that she didn’t suddenly just grow this really strong sexual desire innately on her own and rather as a result of you letting her know things had to change or “else” make a difference in how you view the sex between you two? Does it feel not as genuine in some way compared to if she just naturally had that desire for sex? Does it feel forced, even if she enjoys herself during it, I guess? Would it have somehow meant more if she’d developed a much higher desire for sex with you on her own without you having to threaten the marriage over it? I am really curious and not making judgments.
> 
> To me, I feel like anything I have to force in a sense by basically saying we have more sex or else just wouldn’t seem the same as a spouse who just wanted to give me more sex on their own accord. I mean I’m not concerned about more sex so it doesn’t apply specifically to me but I’m just saying. I do feel this way about trying to change some of my husband’s behaviors. Like, if I have to do things to force you to change then it’s not as good in my eyes as somebody who I didn’t have to force. It seems disingenuous in a way, even if I ultimately get the results I’m looking for, you know?


The same argument can be used for any choice and act of love and care.

I don't love and care for my wife only when the mood hits. I love and care for her every day. Feelings are dust in the wind and I rule over them with my choice to always love my wife in every way I can if I'm physically able.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

ConanHub said:


> I don't love and care for my wife only when the mood hits. I love and care for her every day. Feelings are dust in the wind and I rule over them with my choice to always love my wife in every way I can if I'm physically able.


This.

My wife has been working obscene hours trying to hit a deadline and as such has not been around. I made her a big green tea before she got up (anticipating she would be working), she then tells me when I get back from my workout she’ll be done by noon and we can go out. I know she’s lying so I went to the store and got stuff for sandwiches so she can keep working and a Starbucks recharge.

I could be pissed about it but instead I choose to support. When she digs out from under it, I’m sure it will come back.


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Kind of a threadjack so I’m editing. Anyway, I have no advice for the OP. I’m always confused, if she’s willing I don’t get the problem. I hope he’s able to figure it out.


The husband [in question] provided an update in following post:









Hello all


We are both in our 40's and have two kids in middle school. We've been married for 13 years. I don't think she wants anymore children or at least that's what she says. We both had other relationships prior to this one and We were intimate before marriage. I have talked with her about this very...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com




_
"We don't get much time together. Our schedules are different and I only see her a couple of hours in the evenings. I did institute a date night several months ago which we still do weekly."_


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

ccpowerslave said:


> My wife has been working obscene hours trying to hit a deadline and as such has not been around.


Uh oh. You know what this means. She is having an affair. It has probably been going on for years. You need to give her a polygraph, put a VAR in her car, and file for divorce immediately. So sorry.
<kidding>


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Sfort said:


> Uh oh. You know what this means. She is having an affair. It has probably been going on for years. You need to give her a polygraph, put a VAR in her car, and file for divorce immediately. So sorry.
> <kidding>


Yes you’re right!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

ccpowerslave said:


> This.
> 
> My wife has been working obscene hours trying to hit a deadline and as such has not been around. I made her a big green tea before she got up (anticipating she would be working), she then tells me when I get back from my workout she’ll be done by noon and we can go out. I know she’s lying so I went to the store and got stuff for sandwiches so she can keep working and a Starbucks recharge.
> 
> I could be pissed about it but instead I choose to support. When she digs out from under it, I’m sure it will come back.


Now imagine not choosing all that love and care because you weren't in the mood.


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## Busy Washing My Hair (7 mo ago)

ConanHub said:


> Now imagine not choosing all that love and care because you weren't in the mood.


I think what he did for his wife was very nice, but I don’t think doing a lunch and Starbucks run can be compared to sex.

For one, most people don’t expect their spouse to do lunch and coffee runs for them multiple times a week when they really aren’t in the mood to do the lunch and coffee run 3, 4, 5 times a week. 

Second, sex requires arousal to really enjoy it. Can’t you understand that some LD spouses just can’t get aroused very easily? During sex you’re allowing somebody inside your body. You’re touching and licking their genitals. If you don’t feel into it and aroused it feels like a chore and it’s a lot of work, especially if you don’t want to be accused of boring starfish duty sex. To me giving of your body and providing sex when you aren’t in the mood is much different than grabbing some lunch and coffee every now and then to be nice. That’s not discounting what he did for his wife, just saying I don’t really know how anyone can compare the two. I have a feeling the only people who can compare the two are people who don’t m know what it’s like to be LD, to not easily get aroused, to just not think about sex a lot of the time. There is a biological aspect to sex and to enjoying it. It’d be one thing if sex was expected every now and then just to be nice but that’s not the usual expectation with sex in a marriage. 

I get that an LD spouse should realize the need their spouse has with sex and put effort in, but you make it sound so simple as if it’s just a matter of not being loving and caring and trying hard enough. I don’t think it’s always that simple.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Busy Washing My Hair said:


> I have a feeling the only people who can compare the two are people who don’t m know what it’s like to be LD,


Protip if you’re jerking off you’re not LD. You’re LD for your husband.

Before I did all that for her I ran four miles and then lifted weights. That’s the not be a slob part.

The other part is to be generally attractive.

Since you were never hot for your husband you just haven’t found what does it for you other than celebrities that you don’t know. I still think you’re not LD you’re more like LD4U.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Busy Washing My Hair said:


> I think what he did for his wife was very nice, but I don’t think doing a lunch and Starbucks run can be compared to sex.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## Busy Washing My Hair (7 mo ago)

Deleting bc this is a threadjack and I have my own thread to write this stuff in if I really want to.


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## Busy Washing My Hair (7 mo ago)

Deleting bc this is a threadjack and I have my own thread to write this stuff in if I really want to.


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## Busy Washing My Hair (7 mo ago)

Sorry, this isn’t my thread and I got carried away. Deleting my posts. I can repost in my own thread if I feel necessary. I apologize for that, OP.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Busy Washing My Hair said:


> Sorry, this isn’t my thread and I got carried away. Deleting my posts. I can repost in my own thread if I feel necessary. I apologize for that, OP.


I don't think it was much of a jack though you are considerate.

We were talking about the original topic but sharing our own points of view on the subject which can help the original poster to gain perspective.🙂


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Bookeeper29 said:


> It's been that way for several years. She'll come home and walk right by me and love all over the dog. If I don't initiate touch...there is no touch.


Several years? That's way beyond any good reason time limit. If still the same it's accept or move on time.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Just for a little fun…….you could try this:


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Several years? That's way beyond any good reason time limit. If still the same it's accept or move on time.


I still don't get why people are putting up with stuff like this?


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