# 3 kids, 3 different dads.



## darlingvioletta

Hi, my step-daughter's mother just passed away and left behind three children - all with different fathers. The fathers have claimed their children and are making every effort to make sure that the kids are in each others lives. One lives 6 hours away and the other an hour away from us. 

Their mother wasn't the most... committed woman in the world when it came to relationships and she was only married once and it was to my husband for about a year. 

I don't know what to tell my stepdaughter (I want to say daughter, but I don't want to offend anyone) when she eventually asks me why her brother and sister have different dads than her. My gut is saying to tell her something like "your mommy had a big heart and loved many people. You and [your siblings] were born because she loved your daddies very much." But honestly saying "your mommy loved many people" sounds like a euphemism for something else. 

Any ideas? She hasn't asked yet, but it's coming.


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## CandieGirl

Whatever you tell her, just tell her the truth. My mother tried to keep it from my younger siblings that I had a different dad. It really screwed things up, and it still comes up, all these years later (20+).


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Biology is a good place to start.
Kids get it, and it's true.
She'll be more concerned with her own history, so after the biology stick to that, her own story. Anything else will be speculation, and you want to avoid coloring any kids with what you may think of their mother. 
I'd focus on how nice it is that she has siblings, and on building those relationships as well as her ones at her new home.


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## WhereAmI

We just had to explain my husband's very complicated parental situation to my 9 and 5 year old. We told them the truth in simple terms and then offered to answer questions they had. It worked out well. 

It went a little something like: B is your dad's biological mother and C is your dad's biological father. B&C separated and C married Gma D. C eventually left, so Gma D raised your father by herself until she met Gpa D. Do you have any questions?

They went on to ask why we don't talk to C and we told them that he had done many bad things that landed him in jail and never tried to correct his behavior, so we've decided to keep him out of our lives. We took a VERY complicated situation (drugs, spousal abuse, child abuse, abandonment) and only gave them the bare bones. In time they'll ask more questions and search for more of the truth, and we'll continue to give them small pieces of the puzzle so they can cope appropriately.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks

I think you'd want to tell her the truth, and also explain why this is no way to live. Why on earth would you want to make it sound like the mother is a good person. What you want to tell her is that you are her mother, and she can always count on you.


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## that_girl

My sisters and I have different moms.

My brothers and I have different moms and dads (adopted but not on the side of my dad, who had my sisters, adopted by my stepdad but stayed with him after my mom and he divorced. whoo!).

:rofl:

It was never a big deal. We always knew where we came from...and we're close now.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

I have 2 kids by 2 different dads, I'm not including the guys I didn't have kids with. I had 4 stepchildren before. Plus their step-sisters at the time. It never mattered to me who f*cked who to bring them to this earth and into my life. I think that's kind of a strange way to think. The fact is, when people 'do it' sometimes there are babies that are born. I'd prefer to raise a child who's there and keep my mouth shut than to have her think when she grows up and 'gets' what I'm thinking, really, that she ought to have been an abortion, possibly. Ouch! Product of incest in second generation, nobody has ever given me grief about my past. Sometimes I wonder, if we get a time machine, and someone goes back and erases my existence as something that shouldn't have happened, because of how things should be in their perfect *righteous* world, a big chunk of the world's going to fall to pieces. All those people who have ever thanked me for helping them out or listening to their problem, or being a shoulder to cry on, or giving them a new perspective - I wonder how things will go for them without their favorite little b*stards having existed.Sad.


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## Jellybeans

darlingvioletta said:


> Hi, my step-daughter's mother just passed away and left behind three children - all with different fathers.
> 
> My gut is saying to tell her something like "your mommy had a big heart and loved many people. You and [your siblings] were born because she loved your daddies very much."


Wow. I can't imagine anyhting worse you could say than that. 

Seriously? 

How about: the truth *if* she asks. Kids are smart. "You and your sibling have a different fathers." 

That's it. No need to go on about how her mom "had a big heart and loved your daddies very much."  

And you could offer her some kind words in this time of need and sorrow. No doubt she is hurting immensely. She just lost her mother. And you only get one of those in this life.


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## Jellybeans

Hicks said:


> I think you'd want to tell her the truth, and also explain why this is no way to live. *Why on earth would you want to make it sound like the mother is a good person*. What you want to tell her is that you are her mother, and she can always count on you.


Say what??? 

So demonize her dead mother and explain her way of living was awful? 

I can't believe what I am hearing in this thread. This girl just lost her *MOTHER* and some of the responses are to make her mom sound like an evil wh-re? Omg. Just... there are no words.

Wow.

My sibling and I have a different father and if ANYONE ever spoke ill of my mother and the fact she had children with more than 1 man I would slap them so hard and so fast it wouldn't even be funny.

Nobody talks about my momma! LOL. I take that personally and anyone who so much as uttered a bad word about her would be dead to me on the spot.


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## tacoma

I don`t see what`s wrong with the truth.


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## YinPrincess

I have an older half-sister from my real father's first marriage. She spent some time with me growing up and I don't remember any explanation other than that we had different mothers... I'm not sure anything more complex needs to be said. Eventually they will realize and come to their own conclusions. The important thing is to remain neutral so they can shape their own opinions later on...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CLucas976

My brothers and I all have different fathers.

I am the product of what happens when an older guy feeds a younger extremely naive girl alcohol and takes advantage of her. I also technically speaking, ruined my moms life. But I came to that conclusion myself, and she'd slap me for saying it. My first brother is the product of a marriage, and my second brother is the product of an undiscussable situation. He has never known his real "father" and never will for good reason.

Growing up, The only dad involved in anyones life was my first brothers. I went for regular visitations and considered him my father figure until I chose not to go anymore. I knew I had a different dad, I knew we all did, but it was completely irrelevant.

Keep it simple, the kids have different dads. period. that's all that needs to be said. I spent no time wondering about it as a kid, I didn't need the added detail of what specifically was the cause of break ups, why my mom was married twice, why mommy was so young and when I got older, My mom was sure to answer any question I had being that I was emotionally and mentally grown enough to handle the answer.


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## specwar

Depends on the age of the children/child. I can only speak for myself but I would want to use it as a way of showing the differences between commitment and a lack of it. There are many unfortunate side effects that come from a lack of commitment. Distance from siblings is one and contrast that with the alternative. Speaking about the different lifestyle choices informs without attacking. In the end they will get the message.

Notice I didn't call anybody a **** or a low life. If they are very young 12 or less then give general overview and let them know that you will discuss it more when they are older. And as they mature you can expand on the negatives of that lifestyle choice.


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## CLucas976

specwar said:


> Depends on the age of the children/child. I can only speak for myself but I would want to use it as a way of showing the differences between commitment and a lack of it. There are many unfortunate side effects that come from a lack of commitment. Distance from siblings is one and contrast that with the alternative. Speaking about the different lifestyle choices informs without attacking. In the end they will get the message.
> 
> Notice I didn't call anybody a **** or a low life. If they are very young 12 or less then give general overview and let them know that you will discuss it more when they are older. And as they mature you can expand on the negatives of that lifestyle choice.


I would think, a discussion on how their dead mothers lifestyle was negative, isn't going to be received well by any teen or any adult.

Leave the mother out of that discussion. The kids will come to their own conclusions on her as their minds mature. Let them remember the mother they loved.


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## Mark Val

three kids ,three fathers ...all were her mothers hubbies owing to the states of being at these times from old...she will understand that there are single hubbied wives with their mutual kids and the other kinds...and its a matter of choice or circumstances, good or bad, as that can be.


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## Runs like Dog

So people are horribly bad at crucial decisions in life. And if she can't be held up as a shining example at least she can be a horrible warning. I know that's cruel, but seriously what else is the take away lesson from this?


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## CLucas976

Considering that my brothers and I all have different fathers, If I were a child in this situation. The person who felt they needed to exemplify my dead mother in a negative way, would not walk away from that conversation.

It is no longer uncommon or something to shun for a woman to have children with different fathers, and as you see here all the time, relationships are not solid and people are not easily able to keep their families together. 

I really don't care what the woman did, who she did it with, it's the child's mother and that needs to be respected. Im not saying paint her as a princess or super hero, but the more I think about this the more absurd it seems. 

"your mother loved you, just as she loved your siblings. You all have different daddies, and now you each get to spend time with them all the time."

The only tragedy to the situation is that 3 children lost their mom, and now they're separated. The best thing is to support her feelings and help her through it.


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