# Confused....unsure.....I need advice, please....



## nursemom2009 (Jan 29, 2009)

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## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

You are heading for an emotional affair if you continue on the path you're on. You know it's wrong, which is why you are here seeking advice. What you are feeling is desired, wanted, appreciated, and infatuation. 

What if your husband were to do things that make you feel the way you do when chatting with this guy? When things like this happen, it's frequently because something is missing from your marriage. I would look to see what is lacking that you are getting from this chat guy and take steps to make it happen with your husband. Do not log into the chat site again, block the guy from your IM list if you have to, but you need to put him out of your head, and focus on your husband.

I know what I'm talking about. I too found people to chat with who made me feel all those things you're feeling, and you're right, it feels great! But underneath it all is a guilty feeling and that should be your red flag. Don't make the mistake I did and let it add distance between you and your husband. Stop now while it's still just chatting online.


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## nursemom2009 (Jan 29, 2009)

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## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

I know, been there. It is very hard to stop, because it feels so good. But if your husband finds out that you are becoming emotionally attached to this guy, that will not be good. You will lose his trust. I came to the brink of divorce last year over an EA that turned physical, and nearly lost everything. Think about your life now. Are you willing to risk all of that?


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## Kiwi (Jan 28, 2009)

You know what, im a guy and i was in your situation.....all i can say is pleaseeeeee dont do it! stop what your doing and go back to your husband and TRY and fix it, otherwise you are on the slippery road to the big 'D' please dont make the mistake i did! though i never followed through, the guilt and (admittibly the excitment) will slowly start to build and it will also be a bit of a drug and it will make you do stupid things! and whats more YOU WILL BE FOUND OUT! my circumstances are slightly different but it all started from this (amoungst other things) so i would implore you to think again!!!! GOOD LUCK!


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## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

Some recommendations: stay on this board, and read the posts. You will find many situations very similar to yours. Learn from these! If you find yourself wanting to talk to this guy, go give your husband a hug or kiss, and turn off the computer. It will get easier to not think of him, I promise.


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## nursemom2009 (Jan 29, 2009)

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## Kiwi (Jan 28, 2009)

yep, i agree!!! my wife left last week. In fact thats why im here, i think its all part of my healing process. i posted a thread go and have a look and i hope it gives you encouragement to do the right thing. Even though i have only been on here for a couple of hours it has really helped to speak and read of others, so once again thanks everyone for letting me comment and say a pray for me- cheers


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## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

Yes, you crossed the line. You need to stop it now, or you will risk losing so much.


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## Kiwi (Jan 28, 2009)

you may have not quite yet crossed the line, but your are definately sailing very close to it. Ive been there....it will consume you, even if you dont see it. TRY and do other things, remember the good times you had with your husband, if the roles were reversed, how would you react?


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## nursemom2009 (Jan 29, 2009)

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## Kiwi (Jan 28, 2009)

how come you up so late????


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## nursemom2009 (Jan 29, 2009)

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## Kiwi (Jan 28, 2009)

lol........im not laughing at you, but at the situation....please im not being (and im the last to judge) but what your doing and just said i hope sounds silly to you, you should read the letter i wrote to my wife and see if you get anything out of it. Words are easy, i know as ive played lip service to it too much! but keep reading stuff here, itll put you in a better, good place!


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## Kiwi (Jan 28, 2009)

maybe you should get another person to talk to? someone that you can be absoulutely platonic with??????


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## nursemom2009 (Jan 29, 2009)

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## Kiwi (Jan 28, 2009)

all the best to you and good luck


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## Kiwi (Jan 28, 2009)

please...i meant no disrespect.


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## Kiwi (Jan 28, 2009)

you know the good thing is that you see what could happen....and thats a start. Please dont get me wrong, i wasnt any boy scout either but its not only after the event does the real effect take place, you know the old saying....every action has an opposite AND EQUAL reaction so if you can you MUST think of your little ones. In fact what do you think you would say to yourself in ten years time about all this.........I wonder if only i had not..... or did i do enough to make it right? and thats the point where i am, i dont want to be in the position if it all turned to crap and ask myself.....could i have done better, what else could i have done,did i do enough,at the end of the day i have noone else to blame but myself. I hope that gives you a bit of hope


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## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

Nursemom, I know what you're saying, believe me, I *do*. And when I was in that very stage you're in right now, I don't think I would listen to anyone either. But you are here, asking for advice, and that tells me that some part of you wants help in stopping this before things go to far.

So my recommendation is to shut down the computer right now, go to bed, and keep busy tomorrow. It may take some time, but you are welcome to post here if it helps you. I think in time, you will "wake up" and realize what you have to do. Feel free to PM me if you'd like.


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## USAF1982 (Jan 27, 2009)

Bottom Line - If you love your husband as much as you say you do and are committed to your marriage and the vows you've taken, you then know what you need to do.

IMO by seeking things outside of your marriage (though they make you feel good), is wrong. You need to sit down and talk to your husband, he needs to be the one who makes you feel good/special.

I personally think that the only reason you were so "head over heals" w/ the guy online is because it's all new to you. It's nice to hear compliments from an "outsider." Your husband tells you your beautiful, but it's just not as exciting to hear it from him, than it is to hear it from a stranger.

I think that by starting this online fling, you've further created problems for yourself. Now your obsessing about this other guy and I think the both of you know what the right thing to do is, since you're both married.

I'm not one to judge and I'm far from perfect, but the best advice I can give you is always go w/ your gut instinct. As others have pointed out, you came here for a reason. Guilt! Looking for advice because you knew what you were starting was wrong. I think it's gone far enough and your luckly it hasn't destroyed your marriage. Cut it off NOW! Talk to your husband, be committed to your marriage and work things out.

Best of luck to you!


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

nursemom2009 said:


> Did I cross a line?


Absolutely. If you are engaging in a relationship and doing/saying things you would not do/say with your husband sitting next to you, you have crossed the line in your marriage.

You are now staying up later and having thoughts of him throughout the day. This is taking you away from your husband and children, by detaching emotionally. Even if you stay up only when your husband is away, the longer this continues you will likely become more absorbed and less careful about these encounters.

Honestly, you know what you are missing from your marriage...it's everything you are getting from this emotional affair. If you spent the effort on improving this area of your life with your husband, you will feel better about yourself, your marriage and you will eliminate this need for outside excitement. Talk to your husband about feeling lonely and depressed and give him a chance to be there for you.


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## fatherof3 (Jan 13, 2009)

Listen to yourself, you are headed on a path of destruction that is hard to imagine. I know this first hand, the last of many things that happened in my marriage was exaclty this....Yes it started the same way, email, instant messaging. He made her feel good, feel special, feel beautiful. I know the lines all to well. There is something wrong with your marriage., period. TALK to him, (your husband) if you want to save your marriage, sit him down in front of you, look him in the eyes and tell him what is missing, tell him what you need from him....If you continue on this path, their is a good possibilty your world will be turned upside down...Think about it. really think about it!


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## fatherof3 (Jan 13, 2009)

Re-reading my post, i hope i didn't come across as being harsh. You came here for a reason, which is good...The insight you will find here is honest, you might not agree with everything, but it is a nice place to come and get different views. Thanks to all who have helped me....


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## carmaenforcer (Mar 7, 2008)

*nursemom2009* Some people need to fall on their faces (make their own mistakes) to learn a lesson. You obviously are thinking about no one but yourself, even though your claim to care about your children and love your husband, your wants and needs are all that you are focusing on right now.

I am the same way, needing to learn by making my own mistakes and not listening to what I know to be good advice.

My most recent ex (Fiancee/girl friend) did the same thing to me that you are doing to your husband. She got all hot and bothered and swept away in romantic fantasies (behind my back) with a guy she chatted with on-line. Like you, my ex saw nothing wrong with it or rather justified it to herself because this guy way just being nice (not directly saying he wanted anything more than conversation) and lived in another country, until the day came that he was going to be in the area on business. 
When this day of their meeting was getting close, my ex dumped me, confessed why and what had been going on leading to this, (I guess for her own conscience) to make sure she was single for their meet. 
Two weeks later she asks me back, saying how stupid she was trying to hook-up with some other guy when I am way better looking than him. 
I took her back since I was kind of confused as to what had happened and just happy to hear her say she wanted me back, but thing where broken permanently after what she did and I just ended up leaving her a year later.


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## nursemom2009 (Jan 29, 2009)

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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I'm glad your thoughts are around making your marriage stronger, but since the only reason it's ended is because he hasn't been online, I imagine you will compulsively want to check up and if he does re-appear, you will jump right back in. Don't wait for something to happen...I would recommend taking action now on talking to your husband about your lonliness, finding other ways to occupy yourself when he is out of town...I think this was a clear sign that you need to make some changes for yourself.


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## nursemom2009 (Jan 29, 2009)

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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I know how you feel. when i was going through rough times with my H i also went online and chatted with guys. we did exchange 'racey' letters, although never any video. i do know how you feel. 

I had a counselor once compare by behavior to a rat. she said i was a rat rummaging around in the trash picking up any scraps of stuff i could. i was actually angry at her when she said that, but years later it rings in my ears. 

sometimes the only way to quit what feels good, is coming to a realization that your nothing more then a rat picking up trash.


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## USAF1982 (Jan 27, 2009)

I'm glad you're looking at things this way and that guy ending it, etc., but I still highly suggest that you ensure you cut if off entirely.

I know how temptation and curiosity work and you may be curious to check if he log's back in. I urge you to block him off and don't log onto the site again.

Focus on making your marriage stronger and I know that if my wife ever did anything like that and I found out. I would be deeply hurt, almost as if she'd actually slept w/ another guy. Ask yourself, does your husband deserve that you do this to him?

Chances are, he doesn't, nobody does....talk to him and work on building your marriage stronger. Again, best of luck!


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## sunny123 (Jan 26, 2009)

i think u r getting into this very badly.....n u need to get our of it very soon.....
see in this case u r jst thinking abt urself----u r feeling gud--that is why u r chatting with that person...
on one hand its this person---who u feel is gud n u want to b intouch with him
on other hand its ur family n its his family---who will b suffering coz of u...
he told u to stop all--that means he is feeling guilty abt doing something wrong....
start spending quality time with ur husband n ur family--cherish those moments
n dnt do something which will put ur married life to end---i think u shuld stop talking to him right away..


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## nursemom2009 (Jan 29, 2009)

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## fatherof3 (Jan 13, 2009)

I don't know if anyone has posted this, but if you are trying to work on your marriage, sit down one night with him and watch the movie fireproof. It's a really good movie about marriage, i only wish for my sake it would have come out about 5 years ago.


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## nursemom2009 (Jan 29, 2009)

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