# Not sure what to do at this point



## Gin74 (Oct 21, 2008)

Hello. I am new to this forum and found some of the things that I am reading very helpful so I decided to see if anyone could relate to me in any way and would like to share with me. I will try to make a long story short. My husband and I who have been married for almost 4 years began having problems that needed outside help in April 2008. We have a wonderful three-year-old son and are expecting another one soon (I am currently 8 months pregnant). My husband had gotten to a point where he felt that something was missing from our relationship (it was there before and he can't pinpoint what exactly it is) and wasn't sure if he wanted to work on our relationship anymore. He was torn of course because of our son and me being pregnant at that time. He is a good person and a wonderful husband. He is the type that doesn't let down his wall, he doesn't know how to handle things when they get emotional, and just finds it hard to deal with that. I, on the otherhand, am pretty intact with my feelings and emotions and may come across, to him, as being too much. Anyway, after we moved out for a little while, he decided to give it a try and work things out with the help of a counselor. We started to see her and I felt we were making progress even though we went for only four sessions. It is October 2008, I am 8 months pregnant right now and just felt that I would like to know where he thought we stood. He basically told me that he didn't feel any different and that something is still missing even though it was there in the beginning. I am pretty sad to hear that cause this whole time I thought and felt we were making progress, but he didn't feel that at all. He just didn't want to say anything to me, I guess waiting for the right moment, since I am 8 months pregnant. I still stand my ground as far as telling him that I love him and want to work on this. He isn't quite so sure and doesn't know and this is what I am left to work with. I just can't seem to grasp the fact that he thinks that we tried enough, but really all we did was four sessions of couseling in the first 2 months and nothing has been done on BOTH of our parts in the last three because we fell back into our daily routine and just didn't address it. I tried to breach the subject twice before with him and he said things were fine, but now I feel like he lied to me. Please someone, anyone, tell me that 5 months ISN'T enough time to heal and get back what it is that you are missing. I feel like I am having to deal with this on my own and it is hard to cope with since I hate being upset in front of my son and physically it isn't a good thing for me. Any thoughts or advice out there? Anything is really appreciated!


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

You likely didn’t get into this position in a few months so it is unlikely it will cure itself quickly. To address you need to define what is missing for him. Is it an emotional connections, sexual intimacy, friendship…???? Counseling takes time just to fully understand the dynamics of it all. Encourage him to invest time in your family and marriage. Things can get better with effort by he needs to be an active participant.


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## Gin74 (Oct 21, 2008)

Thank you for the advice. I think that I am at the point where there is nothing that I can do. It is all in his hands. If I try to say anything to him, he just shuts down and says that I have said it before. Yes, I may have said it before, but because he doesn't respond to me at all, I feel like I have to say it again because I don't think he heard me the first time or didn't understand it. It is so fresh right now that I am scared to say anything, but being the type of person that I am, I want something sooner than later. I can't stand being put on the back burner. I don't have a say at this point. I can only suggest couseling, but I think he feels that it won't help out with this - his inability to figure out what exactly is missing cause something is missing. I do believe that can be found again, but he doesn't know what to do so he doesn't do anything about it. I appreciate your suggestions. It really helps to have that outside perspective on things. I can probably only suggest something, but it will have to be down the line as it is too early and he would just shut down completely or run away like he always does. Thank you again.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

There is always something you can do, even if it is just giving him some space for the moment. He is correct if your conversations are just a rehash of previous discussions. In general I feel if there isn’t anything new to discuss leave it alone and let the scars heal. Again in order for the two of you to be successful you will both need to find out what he feels is missing. If he feels he as lost that euphoric “in love” feeling that’s normal. Most couples only retain that for 18 – 24 months. This is called eros love and is the wonderful, all consuming, want all, touch all, desire to be with your love and love nearly everything about them. Every day life, daily stresses and our own faults make this love impossible to maintain for a life time. It is a wonderous state of mind but cannot be maintained forever. If this is what he seeks it is unlikely he will find it for a sustainable time with anyone. 



Gin74 said:


> It is so fresh right now that I am scared to say anything, but being the type of person that I am, I want something sooner than later. I can't stand being put on the back burner. I don't have a say at this point. I can only suggest couseling, but I think he feels that it won't help out with this - his inability to figure out what exactly is missing cause something is missing.


You will, as a couple, need assistance in defining what “it” is and counseling together may help. If he was happy in the marriage at one time there is a good chance he can be happy again. Encourage him to seek counseling with you as an investment in your family and children. He does owe it to you and the children to leave no stone unturned in first salvaging then improving the marriage. This is part of your wedding vows and must be honored. This will likely take time. While my situation is different from your own, please read my thread “When is enough, enough” for some long term advice and encouragement in the quest to renew your marriage. Good luck.


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## Gin74 (Oct 21, 2008)

Thank you so much. It really means a lot to me to know that we as a couple are not abnormal in any sense. Your advice is very helpful. I have been aboard this whole time in figuring out what to do to fill that void that he is feeling and I think we were on the right track. I think that he is in such disbelief right now that he doesn't think that anything can help. He doesn't know what can help so therefore he doesn't try or believe. This frustrates me some. I want to continue counseling, but maybe if there is another tool that we can incorporate, then he may be more receptive in thinking that what was lost can be retained again with time and work. I am willing to try anything and everything just so as long as I know that effort was put into this at 100%. If down the line we do do this at 100% and he feels the same then at least that is better than just giving up. I would have to come to terms with it. 

Thank you again for the help and advice. I look forward to reading your thread. It is so nice to have found a forum where people are listening.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

I know this book is over hyped on this forum a lot but try reading Chapman’s “Five Languages of Love” It was the most helpful of the many I’ve read and sometimes improvement in a marriage is just as simple as understanding what your mate perceives as being a statement of love. It is a quick read and can be very helpful. You should both read it. Good luck


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## Gin74 (Oct 21, 2008)

Thank you for the tip. I want to be able to show him that there are more tools out there to help. Even just reading here would be a step for him. I have also seen the Marriage Fitness by Mort Fertel on this website but would like to know a little more about that before purchasing it. 

I will just have to give him some time before introducing this to him. I just think that he would be more receptive if it didn't come from me, but I don't know how that would work since he isn't the type to seek anything from anyone. He only relies on himself to try to figure things out. For me, I could never do this alone without consulting someone like a family member or friend or counseling. He never reaches out to anyone.

Thanks again.


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