# New here and need some help Interracial dating



## Inovermyhead

Hi all I am new here and need some help or advice. So I am I'm need of some advice, i recently started dating this really attractive white guy. We have known one another since high school and we recently just reconnected and figured out we both have feelings for one another and so we have been dating a few months now. My family has been really supportive of me dating outside of my race (Black) but his family and just the community in general has been really tough to deal with. I honestly really like this guy and we are going on a couple cruises later in the year. Anyways his siblings and greater family at large have been pretty rough to deal with and have said some incredibly vulgar things. And it feels like everytime we go out we get some of the dirtiest looks and some of the snide comments are just unbelievable in this day and age. I have tried talking to my boyfriend about it and he definitely notices the stuff that happens when we are out and about but doesn't seem to realize what his family has been saying and he gets pretty defensive anytime I bring it up. I am not trying to cause a rift between him and his family but I would just appreciate it if he could say something to his family I know there isn't much we can do when we are in public. I dont know what to do honestly, he is already under a lot of stress to boot because he has suddenly started having seizures and we cant figure out why. I just need some help I feel like I am making a bigger deal out of this then it is.


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## SpinyNorman

Ugh, wtf is wrong w/ people. 

He isn't responsible for his family, but he is responsible for taking their side. When you say he doesn't seem to realize what they are saying, what do you mean? Is he present when they say this? If they say stuff to you when he isn't around, do you tell him verbatim what was said? Does he believe you? 

If he would rather let them dump on you than "cause a rift", that is a red flag. 

You are right neither of you can do much about strangers when you're in public.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

Inovermyhead , love knows no colors. If you guys love each other do not worry about it. His parents will come around.People are people no matter what religion or race. I am sorry you are experiencing stupidity from his siblings. Your boyfriend needs to quit being defensive and if he loves you, he should stand up for you and have a frank talk with his family. My best pal from the Corps, who is African American is married to a white lady, and has been married for 30 years. Her parents came around when they realized what I fine person my pal Taz was. He is the best guy on the planet in my opinion, and his wife’s parents feel that way too. Stand firm with him on this as he needs to have your back.


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## Inovermyhead

They say things behind his back to me and when he is not in the room. And yes I always tell him verbatim what they have said to me and he does believe me but he seems really hesitant to take on his family for some reason.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

Well if he will not defend you to his family, all I can say is cut him loose. You do not deserve to be subjected to this bull****.Any man worth something will defend the woman he loves.


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## Inovermyhead

He defends me out in public but he I guess feels like he hasn't witnessed then saying these things he feels like they aren't like that. But we are getting pretty serious and I feel like he should still take my word on this and defend me on this.


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## personofinterest

Inovermyhead said:


> They say things behind his back to me and when he is not in the room. And yes I always tell him verbatim what they have said to me and he does believe me but he seems really hesitant to take on his family for some reason.


 This is a big red flag. If he is already basically passively throwing you under the bus with his family, expect it to continue if you marry him. Personally, I don't think I could date someone who's parents were so obviously racist and controlling. I know that probably isn't fair, but I just have no Tolerance for the


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## MattMatt

@Inovermyhead is it a purely racial issue, or is it a class issue, too?

By which I mean, maybe his family lacks class?


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## EleGirl

Inovermyhead said:


> He defends me out in public but he I guess feels like he hasn't witnessed then saying these things he feels like they aren't like that. But we are getting pretty serious and I feel like he should still take my word on this and defend me on this.


Could you give us some examples of what his family members say to you behind his back?

Who are these family members who says these things? How old are they? Are they male or female?


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## EleGirl

Also, how old are you and your boyfriend? I'm just trying to get a fuller picture of what is going on.


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## Faithful Wife

Ugh, this sucks. Sorry, girl! I have literally stopped speaking to some of my own family members over this issue (our family is white and I date black guys sometimes). Basically they (the ones I don't speak to anymore) are just plain racists and don't see what the issue is, so there is no way to explain it to them. It became easier to just shut them out eventually. Even though that is also hard, it was better than having to deal with them.

Thankfully no one I have dated has ever heard my idiot family saying these things. If they did I would feel so ashamed of my family, ugh.

I don't know what to do in your shoes, though. I don't know why your bf isn't standing up for you or taking your side and because of that, it makes me see it as a sort of red flag. Or perhaps he simply really doesn't understand race issues and why certain things are not ok to say, so that when he hears his family has said something he doesn't really get why it is bad.

I don't think this is something you would be able to teach or educate him about if he is an adult and has not learned these things by now. My family members literally acted like I had kicked them in the face when I just simply told them I don't want to be around them making these kinds of statements anymore. They honestly don't really understand these things. But I wasn't going to teach them anything and I wasn't going to argue or whether or not it is ok to make such statements, so that's it, I'm done with them. But what I'm saying now makes me worry a bit about your bf. 

What kinds of things are his family saying to you, if you don't mind sharing.


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## SpinyNorman

Inovermyhead said:


> They say things behind his back to me and when he is not in the room. And yes I always tell him verbatim what they have said to me and he does believe me but he seems really hesitant to take on his family for some reason.


Thanks for answering. The most likely scenario is that he is a nice guy, race-wise, but doesn't stand up to his family. I've known people in a similar situation. 

Is he young? Some young people have never really questioned their family and let them call the shots. If it seems like he's trying, you might want to get counselling, mostly so he can get used to the fact he doesn't have to appease them.

I would point out to him that they are trying to break you up, and ask him how he feels about that. If he just hems and haws, then ask him how he feels about letting them run the whole rest of his life, because if he's willing to put up w/ this, what won't he put up with?

If you decide to put up w/ this, some of them may improve over time, but as long as he is their doormat you have no leverage to change anything, so of course they may not.

The best you can hope for is that he will tell guilty parties they owe you an apology and if one is not forthcoming, he will hold it against them.

If he is just going to keep letting them run the show, you may want to find a friendlier show to be in.


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## Inovermyhead

MattMatt said:


> @Inovermyhead is it a purely racial issue, or is it a class issue, too?
> 
> By which I mean, maybe his family lacks class?


I suppose it could be a class thing, but my Boyfriend has so much class so I don't know how he came out like he did from the family he has. 


EleGirl said:


> Inovermyhead said:
> 
> 
> 
> He defends me out in public but he I guess feels like he hasn't witnessed then saying these things he feels like they aren't like that. But we are getting pretty serious and I feel like he should still take my word on this and defend me on this.
> 
> 
> 
> Could you give us some examples of what his family members say to you behind his back?
> 
> Who are these family members who says these things? How old are they? Are they male or female?
Click to expand...

They have said he doesn't belong with me and that he is far too good for me and that they don't know why his Dad hasn't disowned him. His step mother is far more blatant with the stuff she has pulled. She has straight up accused me of just using him and that if we have any kids they aren't worthy of being called children and that having mixed children is am abomination. Like I said it comes from his Step mom and a few cousins. For the most part his Dad and siblings are really amazing and supportive. 



EleGirl said:


> Also, how old are you and your boyfriend? I'm just trying to get a fuller picture of what is going on.


We are both 29 years old.


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## EleGirl

Inovermyhead said:


> I suppose it could be a class thing, but my Boyfriend has so much class so I don't know how he came out like he did from the family he has.
> 
> 
> They have said he doesn't belong with me and that he is far too good for me and that they don't know why his Dad hasn't disowned him. His step mother is far more blatant with the stuff she has pulled. She has straight up accused me of just using him and that if we have any kids they aren't worthy of being called children and that having mixed children is am abomination. Like I said it comes from his Step mom and a few cousins. For the most part his Dad and siblings are really amazing and supportive.


It's good that it's not his siblings and his father. That says a lot. How about his mother? How does she react?

Did he grow up with this step-mother in the home? Or was she an addition to the family after he left home? Your bf might not feel comfortable talking to his step mother about this depending on their relationship. In this case, the best way to handle it would be for him, not you, to tell his father and let his father handle this woman he's married to.

A lot of people are just not comfortable confronting their parents and relatives. It can be very hard depending on family dynamics.

At this point in his life, your bf, does not seem willing to stand up for you which leaves you at the mercy of some rather mean relatives. This is something to be concerned about. He may never get to the point where he is willing to. Are you ok with being with a guy who will not stand up to his family for you?

You might want to get a voice activated recorder and have it on you when you are around the hateful family members. That way you have absolute proof of what they are saying to you. New York is a one party consent law state. This means that it's legal to record a conversation if one person in the conversation consents. So if you consent to you making a recording, it's legal.


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## Inovermyhead

No his mother died when he was young due to a drunk driver. So he was essentially raised by his father and his siblings and this witch. Their relationship from my understanding has always been strained. I mean I honestly want this relationship to work because I do feel as if I am in love with him. All of this coupled with these seizures have strained the relationship and I do feel as if he has pulled away a bit. I took him to his neurologist appointment and he is going to be having an ekg and cat scans done on Friday.


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## Andy1001

Inovermyhead said:


> No his mother died when he was young due to a drunk driver. So he was essentially raised by his father and his siblings and this witch. Their relationship from my understanding has always been strained. I mean I honestly want this relationship to work because I do feel as if I am in love with him. All of this coupled with these seizures have strained the relationship and I do feel as if he has pulled away a bit. I took him to his neurologist appointment and he is going to be having an ekg and cat scans done on Friday.


Without going into too much detail can you tell us where you live. Do you live in a city or more rural and do you live in the south by any chance?


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## hptessla

Inovermyhead said:


> No his mother died when he was young due to a drunk driver. So he was essentially raised by his father and his siblings and this witch. Their relationship from my understanding has always been strained. I mean I honestly want this relationship to work because I do feel as if I am in love with him. All of this coupled with these seizures have strained the relationship and I do feel as if he has pulled away a bit. I took him to his neurologist appointment and he is going to be having an ekg and cat scans done on Friday.



I live in the South and when I was younger in the 90's I had a friend/gf and we would go out and get the stares. I got them from black guys and she got them from white girls and we both got them from the people who are always against any racial interaction. It's gotten a lot better but it's still there unfortunately. My nephew is mixed and I have heard him claim my mother would make racist comments...he's in his early 20's, she died in 2017 at 91. I would not call my mother a racist or bigoted, and she helped raise my nephew and he understands that and that she did a lot for him and my brother doing that. I understand why he sometimes feels that way and I understand that my mother grew up in a time where race was different but she also did not approve of his mother (who has mental health issues). It may be that his family has never interacted, at least not in a positive way, with black people. There's still a lot of places and people of all races that don't experience interaction with anyone other than their own kind. It may be that you are an ambassador of sorts and will change their minds. If they are not outright hostile it may be that they have stereotypes and an internal struggle because you are not living down to those images so they have to somehow bring two inconsistent things together in their mind. Maybe you are strange to them, an unknown entity that they only know via preconceived notions and that takes time and patience to deal with. Some of them may choose not to deal 

How often would you deal with his family? We interact with my wife's family all the time; my mother had the same with my father's family. My mother's family and my family...we see each other about once a year. To me, since I don't have a geographically close family and we are not all up in each other's business, what my family thinks has never been that big a deal. Plus, I was raised to be independent once I reached adulthood so I don't rely on family for anything material. Does your boyfriend need the family for business or finance reasons?

When I was dating I typically didn't bring it up to my parents because my mother was not the type of mother who would greet you at the door with a smile and say 'wonderful to meet you'. Rather, she would want to sit down and talk seriously and critically about serious things. In retrospect some of those things were important but mostly I didn't want to subject any gf to that until/unless it was heading toward marriage. Maybe you should talk openly with your boyfriend about where you two are at and just see where that is.

If he is seriously thinking marriage/permanence then he and you need to decide if he will confront his family. Sorry to say but family is always there and dating partners come and go so in some people's mind it is not worth ripping the family bond apart on a 'maybe'. That said, being a 'maybe' is not the end of the world and is generally a step to being a wife, so don't get on him if he is honest and says that at this point he's not sure and doesn't want to confront his family. At the same time you can let him honestly know that his family is a high concern of yours in ever progressing beyond a 'maybe'. My mother used to tell us sons that "you marry the family". I have generally seen this to be true. In most cases the wife's family is much more involved than the husbands. The other thing I have seen in my own family is that if you have children, regardless of how they feel about you (or what they might be saying now) grandma and grandad want to see them and they understand who the gatekeeper is. In fact that can be something you can bring up to your bf, would he be comfortable bringing mixed children to family gatherings when they will experience this kind of talk and attitudes?


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## Inovermyhead

No we don't live in the south and we live near a pretty large metro area.


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## Inovermyhead

Well it happened they said something to me while they thought he wasn't around and he was rounding the corner into the kitchen and caught it all. He was shocked at first and then that went to anger and I dont think I have ever seen him so angry or angry in general in all honesty. He defended me and took my hand and we immediately left and the entire drive home he was apologizing to me.


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## Taxman

I am sorry at the abysmal treatment his family gave you. There is no excuse for those attitudes in this day and age, however, if the last three years have taught us anything, it is that the racists and haters have been in hiding, and have come out. One of my children is in a mixed race relationship. She is gorgeous and a really good girl. Now, as if the situation isn't complex enough, we are Jewish, and I frankly could not give one half a damn whether she is light, dark, Jewish, Gentile or Reformed Druid for that matter. She makes my boy happy. She is smart and funny, and if she is the one for him, then I am all for it. I know that she is running into a little difficulty on her side, and I hope that when I invite her mom to our home, we can smooth all of this over. I have always been of the opinion that skin color differences mean that one of your ancestors tanned better than one of mine.


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