# New here



## Imreallynotsure (Feb 1, 2020)

Hey everyone. Im 38, my husband is 36 and we've been married for almost 12 years. We have 2 kids together and I have 2 kids from a previous relationship. It's recently come to light that my husband has been lying about several things since we met and I'm here for some guidance on how to handle things.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Welcome, and please feel free to tell us those things you are comfortable with sharing in anonymity with us.


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## .339971 (Sep 12, 2019)

Welcome. Would you care to share what he's been lying about so we can help?


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## Imreallynotsure (Feb 1, 2020)

Its a very long story but I'll try to keep it short.

We met online in September of 2007. We had our first date in October, got engaged in November, got pregnant in January and got married in February. Stupid, I know. For some reason I thought if I was totally honest and an open book when dating then I could weed out people who I wouldn't mesh with. It had worked up until him. He basically just agreed with everything I said, my wants, needs, likes, dislikes and deal breakers.

For the first 8 months after we got married he was only around on weekends due to work. We would talk for a few minutes every day but he always had an excuse to get off the phone pretty quick. On the weekends we'd usually just hang out because there wasn't a whole lot to do and we were happy to just be together. I would often tey to initiate sex when he was around and he'd usually make an excuse of why he didn't want to but I assumed he had a low drive and wasn't concerned. I became slightly more concerned when he stopped going on the road for work and still didn't want sex but thought maybe it was weird for him because I was pregnant.

In November of 2008 when our daughter was a month old I happened to glance over at his laptop when he walked out of the room and I saw a bunch of emails between him and female. I didn't recognize her name so I clicked and was pretty upset to see the content of the email. Needless to say it wasn't platonic. I asked him about the emails and he answered my questions. Apparently he was talking to an ex in a sexual way and then masturbating, admittedly to thoughts of his ex. We had a pretty big fight, he left for the weekend and then when he came home he acted all remorseful and promised he would do stop talking to her. As far as I know he has honored that.

Between the fall of 2008 and the spring of 2010 things were somewhat ok although he still never sought me out for sex and I was so hurt by his communication with his ex that my self esteem tanked and I didn't really initiate much. I still tried not to refuse unless I just really wasn't feeling it. I thought it was odd that a 28yo guy only wanted sex once a month but he insisted he just wasn't into it. Then one day I just got this feeling he was hiding something and I checked his phone and found porn. It shouldn't have been a surprise but for whatever reason I didn't suspect it. Again we had a huge fight, less about the porn and more about him rejecting me to use his hand. He cried, said he was doing it because he was insecure, it was a habit, fear of rejection, etc. I trired really hard to be nice, reminded him it was him rejecting me and then made a plan for what he could do if he was in the mood so that at least some of the time he'd come to me. 

Things in bed never really got better but when I would ask about the porn and masturbation he'd insist he wasn't doing that and when I'd checked his phone I never found anything. 

Last week I told him that I knew he was keeping a secret from me and he again insisted he wasn't but I didn't let it go and he confessed to hiding that he had a new female coworker. I asked him how long she had been there, he said 3 weeks. I was pissed because I wouldn't have cared about the coworker but the fact that he was hiding her set off alarms in my head. A few days later I asked him to be 100% transparent with me, tell me everything of how things went down and he swore I knew everything. I asked to see his work phone, he handed it over and I pretty quickly found out that she has been there since October. I packed his stuff and told him to get out and he flipped out begging to stay. I said fine, come clean on all of tour secrets and I'll think about it. Thats when he admitted to still using porn and still preferring masturbation over sex. He claims he masturbates about 10x a month and we have sex once if Im lucky so obviously Im hurt.

We spent the weekend fighting and then he came and said he was done with all of the lies and wanted to go to counseling which he started on Thursday. 

I have felt for the last week that he is still hiding things from me. I've asked for full transparency and he won't do it. Today I took his phone and sure enough found that hes been deleting calls and messages from this girl. He also googled her a few days ago and she lives 10 minutes from us (relevant because his office where he goes every day is an hour and 20 minutes away).

I calmly walked into the kitchen, handed him back his phones, acted like everything was totally fine and then came back to the bedroom. Im not sure what to do next but obviously something has to change.

Sent from my VS988 using Tapatalk


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Take him to the cleaners, a surprise polygraph test, personal sex therapist, to deal with his issues and updates when you join him once a month during his meetings. And get phonlab to recover all delete text and calls. As a ultimatum not nonnegotiable.


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## Imreallynotsure (Feb 1, 2020)

I'll have to look into where to do a polygraph locally, I haven't heard of anything but I will see what I can find. I will also look into FoneLab. A sex therapist is a good idea too. Right now Im hurt about the porn/masturbation but its the lying that I don't know how to get past. He has no moral compass, he can look me straight in the face and lie and I swear he feels nothing.

Sent from my VS988 using Tapatalk


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Sorry, it's overwhelming and you are doing better than I could givin the same. He just doesn't know just how lucky he is to have someone fight for him this way. He has a addiction and porn will destroy intimate relationships. Give him the ultimatum's and don't ever back off of them if you do you already lost. Put the fighting for his marriage back in his hands. If not then you got your answer.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Imreallynotsure said:


> I have felt for the last week that he is still hiding things from me. I've asked for full transparency and he won't do it. Today I took his phone and sure enough found that hes been deleting calls and messages from this girl. He also googled her a few days ago and she lives 10 minutes from us (relevant because his office where he goes every day is an hour and 20 minutes away).


When it comes to lying cheaters, you *NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER* get the whole story. Cheaters are *all* about self preservation and covering their asses in order to keep the status quo. That doesn't happen when they're honest and tell you exactly how low they've really sunk and exactly how MUCH they've disrespected you. 

So, all you get from them is the bare minimum - and _*that*_ information has been minimized and white-washed as much as they could, trust me. In the cheater world, saving their own sorry ass is Job #1.

You have a better chance of shaking hands with Jesus than you do of getting the entire truth out of your* lying cheating husband. *That's just a fact.



> I calmly walked into the kitchen, handed him back his phones, acted like everything was totally fine and then came back to the bedroom. Im not sure what to do next but obviously something has to change.


Of course something has to change. You need to erase this lying POS from your life. Everything else is just blather.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Imreallynotsure said:


> He has no moral compass, he can look me straight in the face and lie and I swear he feels nothing.


Why on earth would you WANT to be with someone THIS low down the food chain?

What's the* payoff* for you in that? There HAS to be a payoff for you if you want to continue clinging to a person who lies to you, cheats on you, has no respect for you whatsoever, and has absolutely ZERO morals.

I don't get it. I honestly don't.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> When it comes to lying cheaters, you NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER get the whole story.
> 
> You need to erase this lying POS from your life.


 @She'sStillGotIt has still got it. Don't bother to do anything. Just waste this worthless scoundrel like a used Kleenex and get on with your life.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I'm sorry. Your entire marriage has been a lie. Start the 180 and he can either get real with his counselor and actually get help or he can continue on as usual. Get your ducks in a row. Figure out how long you want to wait and see if his counseling is effective (if you even do want to wait). Watch his actions and monitor the hell out of him. Just don't let him know you're checking up on him.


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## Rlc307 (Jan 14, 2018)

Honestly I don't recommend the surprise polygraph, unless you think the money is worth it. I don't know how much they cost but when he fails he still isn't going to come clean. He will act shocked that he failed, probably cry but stick to his answers since he and everyone else knows that polygraps aren't 100%. He will hold on to that tiny percentage. And you already know he's lying. Just doesn't seem like it would give you any kind of relief.
I'm wondering what his point is when he acts remorseful and cries. This counseling gig that he's got may just be a way to pacify you for the next few weeks or months. Hopefully not but it could be. Why exactly does he act like he wants to make it work at the very moment that you've had enough? Do you do everything around the house and for the kids and keep him comfortable in that regard or is it money, or keeping up an image or something? That is what I am trying to figure out because he continues to disrespect you, hurt your self esteem and trust and doesn't care until the last minute when you are packing his things.


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