# Minute to minute, things are weird



## Foxesandowls (Sep 15, 2017)

I moved into my new house on May 19th and I've been pretty happy. But, as it's only been a few weeks since I physically separated from my husband, every day--every minute, it seems, I'm going through these weird little emotional upheavals. Like, one minute I'll be walking on sunshine and then suddenly, I feel sad and anxious and terrified of the future. I'll give an example of this:

I needed to get a dog door installed so I don't go broke having the dog walker stop by every day. My dogs are used to being able to go outside when they need to (they had a dog door at the other house). So, I ordered one and had it delivered to the big box store on my way home. 

It was a beautiful sunny day and I was feeling pretty good. I picked up the door and read the back of the box as I maneuvered it into my car--it said I would need a drill. S**t. I didn't have one of those. He took them all (flash of anger, then an urge to text him--that passed). So, back into the store I go and here's where I nearly had a breakdown in a home improvement store: I finally located the tools and suddenly felt like a helpless girl. I've seen drills, used them, but never have had to purchase one and I had no idea what the heck I was doing. 

I am NOT USED TO FEELING HELPLESS. I'm generally confident and decisive and you would never probably know that I'm not utterly 100% sure of myself. But, here I was, surrounded by something totally foreign and I felt like crying. I wandered around and looked at the endless rows of tools, hoping maybe an employee will see the lost look on my face and offer assistance. But, no. I pick up two cordless drills--different brands and I'm reading the boxes and I'm just getting more anxious by the second. 

Finally, I send a text--but it's to my brother, a contractor and all around good guy, who suggests a drill and then says, "I will come by Thursday and install that stupid thing for you. It will take me 30 minutes" And I rapid fire text back, "I can do it myself!" He says (bless him) "Of that, I have no doubt. But, would you please let me help you?!" And I acquiesce because I don't know what I'm doing and I don't want to screw anything up. I bought the drill and I cried all the way home. "It's just a drill, for goodness' sake! Why are you losing your mind over this?" I said to myself in the car and my brain said, "This time it was a drill, what if it's something more important next time?" Which is such BS because I make thousands of decisions on my own all day long. The stupid drill derailed me. Made me think I couldn't do "this" myself. That maybe I was just a stupid, helpless girl. 

But I'm not. I know that. It was just a bad moment (or ten).


----------



## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Hey dont beat yourself up too.much.

Buying drills can be tough....9v vs 12v....who knows. Do you need a small one or a big one?

Just saying.

I.have never been divorced but facing an empty house scares the crap outta me...with kids getting older and husband travelling. 

Being alone is scary. 🌻💛


----------



## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Ironically my STBXW was the home-improvement expert and she did most of the outdoor stuff and fixes inside. I handled the finances, kids and tech stuff. I have been purposely diving into things that used to be her forte after she moved out a week ago. Even before she left I was doing things she used to do, like cutting the grass, weed whacking, leaf blowing, building stuff, etc.

You did good by wanting to go out and get the drill on your own but like all of us, we run into things where we just don't have the answers but that's ok. Just like I explain to people about my job in tech. I am ok at knowing a lot of tech stuff but my main asset is knowing how to find the answer, not so much knowing it. Same thing in real life. If you don't know the answer, it's ok. You can try to figure it out on your own but if not, that's why there are people that are trained in other stuff  

It was good for you to contact your brother, that was a good thought but you can also lean on the store personnel, that's what they get paid for. I used to be the guy that if I didn't know it I would ask and just be on my way but now that I have to take care of every aspect of my home by myself, I have no problems asking store employees for help and it works! I have bought a weed whacker, a drill, a leaf blower, a level, stud finder, etc, etc all in the past week and for at least some of that stuff have asked associates for recommendations after giving them the info on what I want to accomplish.

Take it slow, take a deep breath and just realize, if you don't know the answer, think of someone that might as you continue to grow in this next chapter.


----------



## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Please don't over think this situation. Working on home improvement projects is a skill that comes naturally to some people, but not to others. If you're not that type of person, you've likely had other people do projects like these, so you've never gotten a chance to learn. But don't worry. It just takes practice and experience. How lucky to have your own place! You'll get to experience the joy of things like installing dog doors, changing out garbage disposals and all kinds of stuff like that 

But you are really lucky to have a knowledgeable brother who is willing to help. Don't try to figure out everything yourself, unless you like doing things 2 or 3 times. Anyone experienced with home repair will tell you they have messed up a lot of things along the way. Engage your brother's help as much as he's willing, and have him teach you how to do it rather than he do it himself. I guarantee you that you'll soon be able to do most home projects by yourself. And, the best part, you get to go shopping for new tools!!! I'm so jealous.


----------



## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Foxesandowls said:


> I moved into my new house on May 19th and I've been pretty happy. But, as it's only been a few weeks since I physically separated from my husband, every day--every minute, it seems, I'm going through these weird little emotional upheavals. Like, one minute I'll be walking on sunshine and then suddenly, I feel sad and anxious and terrified of the future.


As for these feelings, they sound like grief. It's not surprising in your situation. No matter how you ended up here, you have experienced a major loss. A marriage creates a team, and you just lost 1/2 of your team. You're experiencing the sadness of that along with the frustration of having to do 100% of everything yourself. 

Keep leaning on those around you for support. Don't be shy to reach out. I'm sure people in your life are eager to help you get through this, and helping you will make them feel fulfilled. In time things will get back to normal and you'll move on with confidence.


----------



## giddiot (Jun 28, 2015)

Foxesandowls said:


> I moved into my new house on May 19th and I've been pretty happy. But, as it's only been a few weeks since I physically separated from my husband, every day--every minute, it seems, I'm going through these weird little emotional upheavals. Like, one minute I'll be walking on sunshine and then suddenly, I feel sad and anxious and terrified of the future. I'll give an example of this:
> 
> 
> 
> ...




There are to many choices and I have a hard time picking one and I know how to use one.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

You've got a good Brother there.


----------



## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

I'm sure it's frightening to feel helpless, but you're setting an unreasonable standard. Everyone needs help sometime. No one was born knowing how to do everything. 

Ask for help when you need it. You surely could have asked someone for help at the home center. Or called your brother ahead of time. There is no shame in having needs.


----------



## TheBohannons (Apr 6, 2018)

YouTube.

You will find everything from how to change a garbage disposal, to how to install a carburetor in your 66 Mustang. 99% of the advise is accurate and specifies the tools you will need. Watch the video a few times and take notes. 

Dont sweat it. You will become a pro in a year or 2.


----------



## irish925 (May 3, 2018)

I agree w/ Mr.Nail ...you got a good/great brother...maybe making dinner for him or ordering pizza when he comes to help you w/ your door...might help...besides, he sounds like a brother you can lean on...well, you are fortunate big time...SO LEAN...Foxandowls....open up to him...let him strengthen you...let him be a shoulder for you to cry on...your brother sounds like a person I wish I had in my support group (friends/family)...


----------



## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Don't worry your pretty head about it...LOL. 

The things you are feeling are normal, so take a breath. 

I am an expert at all home improvement stuff and it still takes me a long time to pick out a new drill or saw or whatever. 

And hey, drills are serious business, you need to take your time. You want to buy one that will last forever and never let you down. 

And as good as I am at fixing stuff, now a days I go to Google first. I do this just to make sure that I remember how to fix it or to make sure no one has found a better way. 

You are going to be fine, just breath...


----------



## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

Oh, Foxesandowls, I so relate. I moved into a new house six months ago because I was tired of my rent going up and things getting old in the house h and I lived in. 

I LOVE your drill story because I bought a new drill too years ago. He had taken ours, and I went and got one just like his, only it has a cord and isn't cordless. I did that because my niece was moving in with me to go to school and she wanted to make raised garden beds. 

But I am so glad your brother was willing to come by; I am 500 miles away from most of my family (300 from the rest). But I paid a guy to come do some repairs and to assemble some furniture for me before I moved in. 

At my job a lot has changed but my mantra there has always been like stillfightingforus: "I am ok at knowing a lot of tech stuff but my main asset is knowing how to find the answer, not so much knowing it." I know how to do a lot of things but when I'm presented with something new, I make an attempt and then figure out what I don't know, and then find out who has the answers. Before long, I'm functioning and things are moving and I feel efficient again. I can't stand not feeling efficient. 

I think we have a lot in common, in that you sound like you are an independent person, and so am I. But I HATE investing time in studying something and learning how to do something only to end up having to do it twice or three times to get it right, or redo it. As Sweet Brown says, "Ain't nobody got time for that." Sometimes I need something done and done right. When i finally unpack the last box, I'm having the handy man I hired before to come hang pictures and a couple of shelving units. For one, if I get on a ladder I'm likely to fall off of it, most of the things I'm hanging require several nails and I want everything level, and he can do all that in a day and it would take me a week. In my view, I'm helping the economy by spending $100 on a guy who owns his own business, and in return, I get beauty and order. 

And yes, you're grieving. But the moments that derail you through the day will ease in frequency. But feel that anger! Let yourself get mad! That will move your grief along and you can channel that energy into your new space. 

And I totally get the anxiety about the future. Without h's income my retirement, if there is one, looks bleak. I spent the last several years just surviving, but now I have to think of the future and I don't want to. So I am going back to school to get a certificate and change careers at this late date. My boss told me it was too late for me to do that, but I don't believe it is ever too late to be what you might have been. 

Hang in there and enjoy your new place; make it yours! Surround yourself with beauty and order of your own making, and put the chaos of your h and whatever was/is going on in his mind and heart in your rearview mirror. The future will sort itself. You are NOT a stupid helpless girl. You are a strong resourceful woman.


----------

