# 9 Good Pieces Of Advice On Dealing With Infidelity



## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

9 Good Pieces Of Advice On Dealing With Infidelity

There's no right or wrong way to respond when someone cheats on you. It's a painful, deeply personal experience and only you know what course of action you should take to get beyond the affair.

Still, advice from people who've experienced the same betrayal certainly helps. Below, our readers on Facebook and Twitter share their best advice for dealing with an affair -- many of them drawing on their personal experience.

See what they had to say, then add your advice on how to move on from infidelity in the comments.

1. "It took me a while to get past it but what helped me was to remind myself that their behavior is their choice. You have no control over them. It's very possible that they might never be happy because they'll always be looking for something else when the problem lies with them. You, on the other hand, are awesome and can handle it. Believe me."

2. "Let go of the anger. After I finally let go of that, I thanked my ex and his affair partner for the doors they had opened for me. I am a good person (you are too, whether you know it or not) and I deserve the best. My ex running off with another woman gave me the freedom to find what was best for me."

3. "Cry, scream, and have a fit. You're going to be angry, so let it out. There's nothing worse than people telling you to stay calm and pull it together." 

4. "Take the time to think about your situation. Don't react immediately and make a decision you'll regret. You don't have to make a decision right away. And once you've thought about what you want to do, make a plan -- possibly an exit plan and get all your ducks in a row. That's what I did. The first time I forgave, but I had a plan in case it happened again. When it inevitably did, I knew exactly what I was going to do, where I was going to live, where my kids would go to school, my work and child support situation."

5. "Remember it was their choice, despite anything that may have happened in the past or present in the relationship. It was ultimately their willful choice that caused this. You are free from the burden of that choice, so don't carry around the guilt they may throw at you. While you don't have to forget you do have to forgive -- openly and honestly. I'm not saying that will be easy, but you'll thank yourself in the long run. But the main thing to keep in the forefront of your mind is that it was their brokenness, not yours, that led them to the choice. It was their inability to uphold the sanctity of the marriage vows that caused this to happen."

6. "Even if you don't patch things up in the relationship, find forgiveness before it destroys you."

7. "I guess it depends on whether the other person wants to work through things. Whatever you decide, I'd recommend you take on this perspective: Yesterday is history. You only have today."

8. "As a therapist who specializes in affair recovery, my advice is to wait. You don't have to make any decisions right away."

9. "Remember: Their cheating is not a reflection on you but on them. Their actions show others the type of person they truly are. You, on the other hand, can hold your head up high."

Keep in touch! Check out HuffPost Divorce on Facebook and Twitter. Sign up for our newsletter here. 

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*Please add your own advice below. Let's make this a thread that will help people get through this trauma.*


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Please add your own advice below. Let's make this a thread that will help people get through this trauma.


*Standing your ground...*

Take pretty much anything that you read on HuffPo w/ a huge grain of salt. You can safely ignore much of what you read on sites like SI and LS... and pretty much ALL of MB. In short, disregard anything that advises you to cast aside either your dignity or your integrity in order to accommodate the weaknesses and/or flaws of others.

*Reconciliation...*

It's fine if you want to reconcile, and you can even communicate that to your WS, but don't settle for being his or her "Plan B", don't tolerate ANY continued contact of ANY kind between your WS and his/her AP, and hold his/her feet to the fire when it comes to the hard work and heavy lifting that will be required in order to achieve a successful reconciliation.

Take at least 3-7 days to decide on whether or not you want to reconcile (and this is whether or not your WS initially wants to reconcile, because they often come back after leaving, being for another chance), but not much longer than that. Maybe 2 weeks at most. Once you've confident in your decision, stick to your guns. Limbo is Hell, so spend as little time there as possible. Still... take time to think things through.

If you're reconciling, rugsweep NOTHING. Pull everything -- the good, the bad, and the ugly -- out in the open and address ALL OF IT. And now for the bitter pill -- you may have some things that YOU need to work on as well. Shoulder any burden that is rightfully placed upon your shoulders, but _don't settle for *ANY* that isn't._

*After D-Day...*

If you're able to do so, take AT LEAST 2-3 days off (if not a full week) from work in order to process everything, because you're going to be a f*cking zombie. Be sure to eat, stay hydrated, and get plenty of rest.

*Common sense...*

Avoid falling into bad habits like drinking to excess or abusing any prescribed (or _unprescribed_) drugs.

*If absolutely necessary...*

If you're having trouble sleeping, focusing during the day, etc, talk w/ your doc to see if you can get some assistance in the form of sleeping or AD meds. Watch closely for any possible dependency issues; if any arise, talk w/ your doc to see about getting your meds switched ASAP.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

@Ckone1800 I see you liked the article. I hope it helps with your recovery!


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Bang you head against the wall if you have to but see the WS for who they are now, not the picture or illusion in your thoughts of a past person that has often no been around for a while. 

The question to R or D is a very personal choice. It is ok to be selfish in making your decision as to what is right for you. Your spouse was certainly more selfish creating the situation


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

RESPECT YOURSELF. When that fateful day hit me and I realized she was messing around with another man, in spite of all my faults I had owned up to, and in spite of all the other mistakes I had made in dealing with our problems ... the one single thing I did right (for me) was to say: I WON'T TOLERATE IT. YOU BURNED THE LAST BRIDGE. I then stuck to my guns and never looked back. Throughout the following years this really helped my self esteem and value. I highly recommend setting boundaries and enforcing them.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I have done so before but will do it again. Flat out disagree with number 6. Some things don't deserve forgiveness and infidelity(most times) is one of them. You move on and move past but forgiveness should have some requirements before being considered

Does the person acknowledge what they did
Does the person take accountability for what they have done
Have they attempted to make amends
Have they apologized in words to you

Most cheaters are incapable of that kinda thinking. From what I have seen many wayward use language like "I learned to forgive myself". Sure you have "forgiven yourself" cause the person you betrayed hasn't forgiven you lol


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

*If reconciliation is the goal*, and this should be thought of very carefully, maybe even without telling your wayward spouse at first, then exposure is very key here.

Do Not be afraid to expose, how much depends on the situation.

even if R is *not* in the picture exposure can help gain some support for the betrayed spouse if done in the right way.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

convert said:


> If reconciliation is the goal, and this should be thought of very carefully, maybe even without telling your wayward spouse at first, then exposure is very key here.
> 
> Do Not be afraid to expose, how much depends on the situation.
> 
> even if R is *not* in the picture exposure can help gain some support for the betrayed spouse if done in the right way.


Exposure works to bring things into the sunlight the best disinfectant.


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## truster (Jul 23, 2015)

If you're not looking to reconcile, don't expose.. in fact, don't say a word until you're lawyered up and ready (and hopefully in a state with adultery laws, with some proof for court). Since the relationship is done anyway, the exposure of the affair to various groups of people can be a set of valuable playing cards in the upcoming negotiations... how valuable varies by person, but no reason to give them away for free.


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