# Trashtalk the BH the only possibility?



## frozen (Mar 5, 2012)

Does anyone know of a situation where a WW speaks highly of their husband to the OM, or says they love them but are unhappy? 

My instinct is NFW and my instinct is keen. I can't even fantasize that a woman would not speak poorly about her husband let alone in a positive light.

If there is anyone out there with information to the contrary puleez post !


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

Based on what I saw my wife didn't mention me at all, neither negative or positive. It seemed I ceased to exist to her.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

awake1 said:


> Based on what I saw my wife didn't mention me at all, neither negative or positive. It seemed I ceased to exist to her.


Given the fact that my WH has ceased to speak to me or our grown son, made me homeless and has told our son he is not invited to the house, I think it is safe to say he tells people we died. probably the story is that we died in a car crash for the sympathy factor.


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## Mrs_Mathias (Nov 19, 2012)

I am a WW who never trash talked my husband to OM. As a matter of fact, I told OM that I loved my family and would never leave them. I was totally selfish and did a terrible thing, but I convinced myself I was "in love with two people" as ridiculous as that is. OM knew that. In all our conversations I can only remember 1 time when I said anything negative about my relationship at home and that was not belittling my husband, it was frustration at the distance between us (which of course, I was exacerbating since I was a cake-eating liar engaged in an affair). However, I have been told that I am in the minority in that respect.

I am sorry that you all are here, and for what you're going through.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

My wife, Regret214, told the xOM how good of a person I am and how she loved me, yet was unhappy. It was all about HER ego-feed and honestly had nothing to do with me.

That's what happens when brain-fog chemicals take over thinking. It's totally discombobulating and rather ridiculous sounding.


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## frozen (Mar 5, 2012)

I can see it depends on how the affair begins. The situation I am dealing with is former WW had toxic friends on AM.com and got her on it. I revealed 3 weeks after first sexual encounter, there were 4 total, with 2 men. But she spoke with probably 10 or 15 men over 3 months...


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Oh my WW talked about me like I was the anti-christ. But the craziest thing happened after I agreed to R.

I changed overnight; into the loving, kind husband she always wanted. Amazing, huh.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

frozen said:


> I can see it depends on how the affair begins. The situation I am dealing with is former WW had toxic friends on AM.com and got her on it. I revealed 3 weeks after first sexual encounter, there were 4 total, with 2 men. But she spoke with probably 10 or 15 men over 3 months...


Holy sh-t. Yeah...a little different situation over this way.

damn.



badmemory said:


> Oh my WW talked about me like I was the anti-christ. But the craziest thing happened after I agreed to R.
> 
> I changed overnight; into the loving, kind husband she always wanted. Amazing, huh.


You're a magickal being, bro. F'ng magickal!


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## frozen (Mar 5, 2012)

I'm on a bumpy road, Recover St., and the axels sound like they're gonna fall off.

Seriously, everyone thanks for the responses, I'm a year and half into recovery. I'm not up to going into more detail, have a migraine after a night and day of taking and texting.

She snapped out of the fog quickly and wasn't attached to a particular OM. She was choosy, under the circumstances. Married 16 years was with one other guy before we married. 

I guess it's possible she didn't speak badly of me and it was kept about her. Maybe ?


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

I am a former WW who is 9 months into reconciliation. I told the xOM that my husband was a good man and a good father. I, also, told him that I loved my husband but that I was no longer in love with him. This began 2 years ago, after almost 27 years of marriage. At the time, I truly believed that I was in love with the xOM. The xOM even told me that it would make it a lot easier for him if I would just tell him that my husband was a jerk and that he treated me badly. I told him that I couldn't honestly say that and that I wouldn't just to make him feel better. 

What I can tell you now is that I don't know if I was ever really in love with the xOM. I, honestly, don't know. What I do know for sure is that I WAS NOT in love with my husband at the time. There is no way (for me,) even as a WS, that I could have had an EA/PA if I had been in love with my husband at the time. The xOM was divorced long before I came into the picture. So, why did I do it? I truly believed that my husband did not love me any longer..... I wasn't sure that he ever had. I thought, perhaps, that he loved me, but he was not in love with me. I came to that conclusion after many years of working on me and trying to get my husband to work on himself and to work with me on our marriage with no success. 

When I had given up and decided that I would divorce him, when our youngest graduated high school (which is this year.... BTW,) did we come come to fully understand that my husband was suffering from severe depression and low Testosterone. But, by the time my husband began getting treated for both, I had checked out of the relationship and had selfishly entered into an affair. My husband had known his diagnosis the year before my EA/PA began, but would not follow through with the doctors, counseling and other types of treatment that I was setting up for him and encouraging him to get.

His condition had left him so disconnected from normal life that he truly didn't seem to notice that I was no longer begging him to work on our marriage. The fact that I slept on our couch and that our intimacy went from very little to absolutely non-existent for well over a year was never even discussed. That among other things made it fairly easy for me to think that he didn't love me. After his treatment began to make a huge difference in his depression, his sex drive and his zest for life, his spidey senses regarding my activities had now started to go off. Then came D-Day.

To make a very long story as short as possible, we are reconciling. No, I wasn't in love with him, at the time of my affair. He was psychologically incapable of feeling, expressing or demonstrating his love for me at that time (so, did he love me or not? I don't know...... I know that I did not "feel" his love.) He has said that he felt "nothing" except for feeling defeated. We are very much "in love," again. In truth, more than ever in all of our nearly 29 years married and 32 years together.

The only way that I can make that "fit" is to compare it to someone who was very much in love with their spouse (as my husband and I were many years ago) and that spouse died. After a time of grief, they marry someone else and find a whole new love. It is possible to love more than one person in a lifetime. I'm not referring to whatever it was that I felt for the xOM...... I'm talking about my own husband. We were in love, we fell out of love, and we..... as very different people, changed in so many ways by the circumstances of our lives, came back together and found a whole new love.

Never once did I demonize my husband to the xOM. Is it usually that way?...... I don't know. But, it was that way for me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

I’ll relay a story my WW told me about this guy she “kissed” (probably slept with in a ONS situation)...

She went to a concert with a group of friends. A friend of a friend and her hit it off. After the concert, the group went to a bar. She was having fun and her ride was leaving. This guy offered her a ride so they could continue talking. She accepted. 

She claims she told him all these fairly glowing things about me and her; travels, big house, kids, etc. Never demeaned me. His words though; “If he’s so great, then why are you alone in a bar with me?”... 

It was exactly what I’ve always warned her about.... some guys just don’t care. Saying you are happily married isn’t a stop sign to them.


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## frozen (Mar 5, 2012)

*Re: Re: Trashtalk the BH the only possibility?*



EI said:


> I am a former WW who is 9 months into reconciliation. I told the xOM that my husband was a good man, a good father, and a good person. I, also, told him that I loved my husband but that I was no longer in love with him. This began 2 years ago, after almost 27 years of marriage. At the time, I truly believed that I was in love with the xOM. The xOM even told me that it would make it a lot easier for him if I would just tell him that my husband was a jerk and that he treated me badly. I told him that I couldn't honestly say that and that I wouldn't just to make him feel better.
> 
> What I can tell you now is that I don't know if I was ever really in love with the xOM. I, honestly, don't know. What I do know for sure is that I WAS NOT in love with my husband at the time. There is no way (for me,) even as a WS, that I could have had an EA/PA if I had been in love with my husband at the time. The xOM was divorced long before I came into the picture. So, why did I do it? I truly believed that my husband did not love me any longer..... I wasn't sure that he ever had. I thought, perhaps, that he loved me, but he was not in love with me. I came to that conclusion after many years of working on me and trying to get my husband to work on himself and to work with me on our marriage with no success.
> 
> ...


Thank you for sharing. We became so far apart from where we began. To me, it seems like trying to have a whole new love is not productive. I can have a whole new love with another that I didn't hurt and who didn't hurt me. I have been trying to explain to my wife how I feel. That it's the things I felt when we first met are still there and are the same reasons I love her now, but to experience the love I want I know I have to accept the pain of all that came later. Starting a whole new marriage, while obviously is kind of what we are doing, is because of what I know who she was deep inside. People change but really it seems women change so much more than men. At one time she loved me in a very special way, and it is the way I need to be loved. There was respect and admiration. But that was 15 years ago and things happened she refused to deal with and so began the chipping away at me, the complaining and the withdrawal. This is so difficult.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

frozen said:


> Does anyone know of a situation where a WW speaks highly of their husband to the OM, or says they love them but are unhappy?
> 
> My instinct is NFW and my instinct is keen. I can't even fantasize that a woman would not speak poorly about her husband let alone in a positive light.
> 
> If there is anyone out there with information to the contrary puleez post !


Mine did it. I know this for fact because one of the group members who saw him do this frequently confirmed that fact. Still doesn't excuse his stupidity by being unfaithful and makes no difference in my eyes.


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

frozen said:


> Starting a whole new marriage, while obviously is kind of what we are doing, is because of what I know who she was deep inside. People change but really it seems women change so much more than men. At one time she loved me in a very special way, and it is the way I need to be loved. There was respect and admiration. But that was 15 years ago and things happened she refused to deal with and so began the chipping away at me, the complaining and the withdrawal. This is so difficult.


That reminds me of a quote I heard years ago, "Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invaribly they are both disappointed."
- Albert Einstein

I know it's so, so hard. And, I am sorry that you and your wife are going through this. I'm sorry that my husband and I are going through it. I don't know if it's any comfort but I don't think any WS ever woke up one morning and thought, "Today is going to be the day that I destroy my spouse, my children and, ultimately, myself." I think that, at least for some WS's, they were trying to find a way to make their own pain stop. Then, they made the worst possible choice............

My husband and I have, both, acknowledged how we each contributed to our failed marriage. But, I had to acknowledge that he didn't contribute to my infidelity.......that was mine, alone. His greatest failure was refusing to work on himself and the marriage when I begged him to for years and told him that I could not bear the loneliness, any longer. At the end of the day, okay a few months after D-Day, we both knew that there was no one that we would rather grow old with than one another. We're flawed...... But, we're working on it, together. And, well, we love each other....... again!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

frozen said:


> Does anyone know of a situation where a WW speaks highly of their husband to the OM, or says they love them but are unhappy?
> 
> My instinct is NFW and my instinct is keen. I can't even fantasize that a woman would not speak poorly about her husband let alone in a positive light.
> 
> If there is anyone out there with information to the contrary puleez post !


Yes. Jeez, yes. This has happened. And does happen.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

I still have saved the chat session in wich OM started trying to put a wedge by pointing out my shortcomings, how I didn't apreciate her, talked about my horrible past as a drunk...
She stopped him right there, defended me, demanded him to never talk about me ever again as it "has nothing to do with him" (me).
I'm pretty sure she never spoke badly of me. I have tons of evidence.
OM then focused his tricks into his sob story of "never understod" poor guy.


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## frozen (Mar 5, 2012)

*Re: Re: Trashtalk the BH the only possibility?*



Acabado said:


> I still have saved the chat session in wich OM started trying to put a wedge by pointing out my shortcomings, how I didn't apreciate her, talked about my horrible past as a drunk...
> She stopped him right there, defended me, demanded him to never talk about me ever again as it "has nothing to do with him" (me).
> I'm pretty sure she never spoke badly of me. I have tons of evidence.
> OM then focused his tricks into his sob story of "never understod" poor guy.


That's good it has to make a difference to BS that WW wasn't bad mouthing you. At least in terms of recovery. Perhaps really understanding and believing you know the nature of betrayal is what makes recovery possible.


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

frozen said:


> That's good it has to make a difference to BS that WW wasn't bad mouthing you. At least in terms of recovery. *Perhaps really understanding and believing you know the nature of betrayal is what makes recovery possible.*


:iagree:


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

frozen said:


> That's good it has to make a difference to BS that WW wasn't bad mouthing you. At least in terms of recovery. Perhaps really understanding and believing you know the nature of betrayal is what makes recovery possible.


It made a difference later, way later. She fell in love with hiom anyway, she didn't love me anymore anyway. Neither her nor me doubted we were to get a D.
Also, she didn't painted the marriage as horrible at all, she even told her marriage was great since the very beggining!.
She fell becasue was bombarded with love and reassurance and was dragged to be a savior, she felt so needed (powerful stuff) that she believed she was the only one to fix him. It became her mission in life.


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## MrMathias (Nov 19, 2012)

Acabado said:


> Also, she didn't painted the marriage as horrible at all, she even told her marriage was great since the very beggining!.
> She fell becasue was bombarded with love and reassurance and was dragged to be a savior, she felt so needed (powerful stuff) that she believed she was the only one to fix him. It became her mission in life.


Seems very, very similar to my situation. Were you independent, unconsciously conveying that you didn't 'need' her?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

I think it's my personality. Nothing new under the sun, she somehow knew all the time. But I was fully into her, into the family, very invested in her, she also knrw. People get used and lose sight, only by comparison (om aparent needyness) she didn't see my involvement as "needing" her.
On the other hand she never had that special inclination nor "need" to be needed. She always was also very independent.
It was I believe a ferfect storm. She was agin, by accepting OM's moves she made stronger and put more in the forethough her newly felt insecurity (do I still have it?). She bought the fantasy.
A different man than me told her she was interesting, always had a thing for her, she was extremely hot, incredible...
The man is a known player and a serial cheater. He knew well "how to" play a middle aged women so they get hooked up. That's all. Seriously.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

According to WS, he could not understand the concept of "boundary setting" in our marriage, so he sought her out for a woman's (24 yo) perspective on why I am so "insecure". Her answer was that I was having an affair. @#$^^*&()&*%#@!!!!!!!!!!!!!...The ultimate justification ... to put me in their category. He "vented" to her. She listened (sounded like theirs was the Philanderer's Creed kind of deal).

She was very prodding into the condition of our marriage over the 8 years she ran it into the ground behind my back, always telling him..."When you need a shoulder to lean on...". Our marriage had finally caved in when I kicked him to the curb, unknowingly straight into her goal posts. She told him that her father's pilot friend was making marriage plans with her until his WIFE called her. Then she needed my husband's shoulder to lean on. So funny how some of us have "removeable" genitals that we can place on our shoulders as we see fit. Then she had him 100% and kicked him to the curb.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Acabado one day you're going to have to tell me your story (if you're comfortable with it that is). I'm curious to know.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

My FWW told me "that last thing she wanted to do is ruin a good time by bringing up her crappy marriage"

She always admitted to OM's that I was a good dad and a good provider.

Another quote from her " why would I leave my husband for you (OM)...you sleep with married women"

In the beginning when I was slapping around she complained about me but she found that was a big turn off for both her and the OM....I was told it kind of ruined the mood especially when she started cry about me.

So as time went by she found it was best not to bring me up.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

the guy said:


> Another quote from her "why would I leave my husband for you (OM)...you sleep with married women"


Special LIKE to this piece. Something every wayward should had burned in their minds.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

frozen said:


> I'm on a bumpy road, Recover St., and the axels sound like they're gonna fall off.
> 
> Seriously, everyone thanks for the responses, I'm a year and half into recovery. I'm not up to going into more detail, have a migraine after a night and day of taking and texting.
> 
> ...


She might have spoken well of you. Anything is possible.


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## joseph242 (Feb 4, 2013)

wow this is interesting,my wife TOTALLY bashed me to the om. This is one thing that she is honest about.She didnt have one good thing to say about me to him.He was an ex bf of hers and they reconnected on facebook. She said she did this so he would feel sorry for her and kept him hooked,he was her first love i guess.he lives halfway across the country so it was mostly an EA,but im pretty sure they met up one time when she went on a business trip.She told him that we dont have sex and that im verbally abusive,and that im boring because i sleep all the time.Sorry that i work 14 hours a day so we can have a good life.

guess what om doesnt have a job,wow big surprise! also i googled his name and address and what do you know,he did 5 years in prison for assulting a police officer and dealing meth,nice guy huh?and shes trash talking me to this piece of crap.i have never spent any time in jail and have never been arrested in my life,and i live a drug free lifestyle so i was blown away.You think you know someone and after 9 years of marriage..pretty devistating.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

joseph242 said:


> wow this is interesting,my wife TOTALLY bashed me to the om. This is one thing that she is honest about.She didnt have one good thing to say about me to him.He was an ex bf of hers and they reconnected on facebook. She said she did this so he would feel sorry for her and kept him hooked,he was her first love i guess.he lives halfway across the country so it was mostly an EA,but im pretty sure they met up one time when she went on a business trip.She told him that we dont have sex and that im verbally abusive,and that im boring because i sleep all the time.Sorry that i work 14 hours a day so we can have a good life.
> 
> guess what om doesnt have a job,wow big surprise! also i googled his name and address and what do you know,he did 5 years in prison for assulting a police officer and dealing meth,nice guy huh?and shes trash talking me to this piece of crap.i have never spent any time in jail and have never been arrested in my life,and i live a drug free lifestyle so i was blown away.You think you know someone and after 9 years of marriage..pretty devistating.


joseph24, no offense to the other's who are fortunate enough not to have their WS demonize them, but these stories aren't the norm. By and large, the norm is the WS demonizing the BS.


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## PastOM (Apr 12, 2013)

My xAP, the WW always spoke well of H, his personality, being a good father and caretaker of family. She complained about the specific problems in the marriage and why she was ending it, but never spoke badly about H as a person.

The H was ever present. I would have actually been more uncomfortable had she demonized him. The worst she said about H was that he had checked out many years ago, prioritized outside interests above his family (including kids) and lost any ambition in life (was just coasting).


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## Foolish1 (Apr 5, 2013)

Acabado said:


> I think it's my personality. Nothing new under the sun, she somehow knew all the time. But I was fully into her, into the family, very invested in her, she also knrw. People get used and lose sight, only by comparison (om aparent needyness) she didn't see my involvement as "needing" her.
> On the other hand she never had that special inclination nor "need" to be needed. She always was also very independent.
> It was I believe a ferfect storm. She was agin, by accepting OM's moves she made stronger and put more in the forethough her newly felt insecurity (do I still have it?). She bought the fantasy.
> A different man than me told her she was interesting, always had a thing for her, she was extremely hot, incredible...
> The man is a known player and a serial cheater. He knew well "how to" play a middle aged women so they get hooked up. That's all. Seriously.


This is so much like my H's affair. Neither he nor the OW talked bad about us betrayed spouses, were actually very kind about us. Loved to talk about how they spoke each other's "love language", where OWH and I didn't. My H was very into taking care of OW, helping her, fixing her. And vice versa. It's nice that he didn't bad mouth me, but it's also scary because I see in his mind how he thought it wasn't dangerous because he wasn't bad mouthing me and it wasn't physical. I still am not confident that he sees what a slippery slope he was on.


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