# How we almost lost our marriage



## WantToSaveMyMarriage (Feb 5, 2013)

Hi, I am new here and need to tell my story to someone. So here goes. 

My wife and I have been married for a long time - nearly 20 years. Our relationship has been odd - we argue a lot and always have. We do and say things that are sometimes cruel. For all that we do good together, there is just always been something that sometimes brought out the worst in each other. But, we also endured and carried on. We have two wonderful children.

A couple of years ago my wife hooked up with an old friend from days long past. We happened to live in the same state, and she visited often. She had her own marital issues, and the three of us became very good friends. We'd cook, eat, drink wine, carry on, and we all had a very good time.

My wife saw how this woman and I enjoyed each other's company, and started to encourage it. She arranged for us to be together. We'd naturally migrate to one another when in the same room. We had a lot of fun. And it was all just that. Fun.

Over the past several months, her and I started chatting online. It was very innocent at first and then one day we realized that our relationship had grown into something more than just friends. We became very close ... and in fact told people we had become best friends. That was probably true.

My wife continued to encourage this more and more. We hung out with increasing frequency, and once when I asked if her and I could go to lunch my wife said without hesitation, "Sure, go for it!" We did and had a nice lunch.

Her and I confided in things non-married couples shouldn't confide about. We both had issues in our marriages and that fueled our connection. And we definitely had a connection ... everyone knew that. We made each other laugh and smile and that became addicting. We talked more and more. At one point we realized this was dangerous and we said that we needed to make sure it didn't become physical. 

Well, the good news that it never became physical aside from some grab-assery when drinking wine late at night that my wife seemed to think was funny and didn't seem to mind. 

I had been unhappy before I met this other woman. My wife later told me she liked to see me happy and encouraged her and I to be together. 

I am not going to go into details, but the message I heard from my wife was "I don't care" and in fact the other woman read the same thing. 

I was so unhappy that my wife and I got into and argument the other day and I told her I wanted a divorce. She had threatened to divorce me 100 times in the heat of argument ... like I said we were often very cruel when arguing - both of us.

I spent the night in a hotel. We argued and cried back for forth all night. I went to the house and we talked unsuccessfully. We both started talking to friends and family, everyone taking sides. I of course talked to my best friend. I won't go into details there.

Was I subconsciously doing this because I thought her and I would end up together? We had talked about "is there a reason we were brought together?". I really had been unhappy for a long time. That was true. Was I subconsciously seeking a "dream life" with my friend? Then I realized that a "dream life" is just that - a dream. Then I realized that the reason my friend and I always laughed and joked and carried on and enjoyed each other was that was all we HAD to do - we didn't face the realities of life together. Our fun and enjoyment of each other was real. We said we loved each other. But were we really just in love with the dream? I have no idea.

I also realized that I didn't have my dream life in my marriage - and that my wife and I had both done a terrible job of communicating what we wanted and that I personally had done nothing to try to make my marriage my dream. What a kick in the face that realization was.

We talked more and decided that we wanted to save our marriage. We openly and honestly told each other what frustrated us. The realities were pretty harsh. My wife and I both have some serious personality flaws that are hard to cope with. Maybe that is why we have tolerated each other ... we know we're difficult and put up with it. But we decided that we're going to change ... we're going to work at it and it's going to be hard. 

My wife always though I was an emotionless person. I had trouble communicating anything emotional. However, with my friend I didn't ... and that puzzled me. It was the chemistry we had, the connection that made it easy. Which led me to realize that I don't fee like my wife and I have that connection. And, I had done little to try and establish one.

We both apologized a lot. She apologized for inadvertently and often openly pushing her friend and husband into an inappropriate relationship. I apologized for going along for the ride and not being strong enough to stop it. You see, when you have that connection with someone it's addicting ... and you want more. It makes you happy and it makes you smile. And the happier I was with my friendship with her, the more my wife encouraged it. *She* even invited our friend on a couple of "date nights". These actions, I explained to her simply reinforced my image that her and I didn't have a strong emotional connection. I didn't get the message "I want you to have fun" I got "I don't care". It wasn't her intent but it was what I heard. We both promised to never do anything stupid like that again.

I very bluntly told my wife that, given a little more time, we all knew where this would have ended up. It would have happened, eventually. 

So, I hope out of the ashes of the last several days my wife and I received a wake-up call. I think we needed one. It could of and should have happened differently. Next time it will. 

But I did realize in all of this that after her and I had neglected our marriage for so long that I did love her and my family. And they love me. And it's worth fighting for and worth saving. Her and I both have issues that make us hard to live with at times. We need to work on that. We both handled our marriage poorly. But, I am glad we decided to try and save it.

I told my wife about our friend and I and that this woman and I had become "inappropriately close". That we had not been physically intimate. But we had grown a lot closer than we should have. We both understand our roles in how this happen. I certainly accept responsibility on my part, and I think she realizes her mistakes there as well.

My friend felt like my wife "pimped" her, and they don't speak anymore. I told my friend that we couldn't be friends anymore and we should have no further contact. That hurts ... our feelings were real and we did have a strong connection. But my wife and I need to concentrate on building a connection between us. At least in this experience I realized that I am at least capable ... something I seriously had doubted in years past. 

So that's my story.


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I imagine the coming months will be challenging, but it sounds like you and your wife have what it takes to turn things into that dream marriage. You sound like good people who have gotten on the wrong road and need to turn around, and that both of you recognize it. That's hard for so many people to do, and it speaks well for your marriage.


----------



## WantToSaveMyMarriage (Feb 5, 2013)

KathyBatesel said:


> I imagine the coming months will be challenging, but it sounds like you and your wife have what it takes to turn things into that dream marriage. You sound like good people who have gotten on the wrong road and need to turn around, and that both of you recognize it. That's hard for so many people to do, and it speaks well for your marriage.


Thanks, I appreciate that!


----------



## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

Sounds like you have done a lot of growing and realized what others fail to realize just in time.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

It's a wonder how far it has to get off course before we realize it's time to grab the wheel. It's even more amazing that we can come back from it. Glad to hear it. Communication, speak each others language. Keep at it.


----------



## WantToSaveMyMarriage (Feb 5, 2013)

We talked more last night. She feels like I cheated on her. I said I understand that. I told her that her actions, although misinterpreted, made me feel unwanted and like she didn't care, and helped push me away. Comments like "Go ahead, have your fun" send a pretty specific message, regardless of your intent. 

Another thing I told her was that when I told her that I thought we should divorce, I genuinely expected her to not be surprised - because of everything I really thought she was as unhappy as I was.

We had a good night last night, talked a lot (probably more than we have in years). Hopefully that continues.

We've also decided that we have never had a honeymoon in 21 years (we got married at 20 and 19 and were broke) and we're going to take a week for ourselves hopefully in April.


----------

