# listened in. Now it is killing me!



## honeysuckle (Feb 23, 2014)

I'll give some background first. My fiance & I have been together 7 years,were childhood sweethearts.18 months ago his 10yr son died suddenly the mother being his ex (they were together for 13 years)
Now my problem we were both out at different addresses, he said ring me when you get home, which I did. He never disconnected the call properly, so instead of ending the call my end I listened in. He told his mother how much he loves me, how he has never been so happy in a relationship & then that his heart still skips a beat every time he sees his ex!!!!!!!


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## Rooster2014 (Aug 23, 2014)

honeysuckle said:


> I'll give some background first. My fiance & I have been together 7 years,were childhood sweethearts.18 months ago his 10yr son died suddenly the mother being his ex (they were together for 13 years)
> Now my problem we were both out at different addresses, he said ring me when you get home, which I did. He never disconnected the call properly, so instead of ending the call my end I listened in. He told his mother how much he loves me, how he has never been so happy in a relationship & then that his heart still skips a beat every time he sees his ex!!!!!!!



Could it be that his ex reminds him of the son he lost?


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

First, sorry for the loss of your step-son-to-be. That must be really difficult for you to go through. I could not imagine losing a child. My oldest is ten and I hope to never find that out.

Second, sorry that you overheard what you heard your husband say. That would definitely hurt my heart to hear, even if he had no intentions with being with her romantically again.

I think this situation is made especially difficult because your husband is likely still grieving the loss of his son - to think of having to confront him on this would be troubling to me if I were in your shoes.

Has there been any suspicious activity between them? How much time are they spending together if any? Do you go with them?

This seemed like a typo or unfinished sentence so I'm not sure what you meant with this:



> "the mother being his ex (they were together for 13 years)"


I hate to say it but it sounds like he still has feelings for her. In honesty, I don't think all of the loving feelings for a spouse - especially one you were with for a lot of years...even more so if they are the mother/father of your children always fully go away. I think a lot of times they can be rekindled especially if time has past and any bad-blood that lead up to the break-up/divorce has cooled a bit. 

This is especially more possible if you're forced into a situation where you begin to rely on and support each other. That comfort can be a very bonding experience and lead to emotions coming back or if there is no history together, beginning and then EAs/PAs happen. 

As they are/were parents and parents of the same child that died, they may have been leaning on each other for support in this grieving period as they both know what the other is going through. I think that's natural to want to reach out to the person who can most understand your pain but it can also be very dangerous for your relationship with him if proper boundaries aren't/weren't being respected. 

If you have no reason to believe that he has cheated on you (yet) with his ex wife, I think you have a good chance of stopping anything from happening since he did say that he loved you and was the happiest he's been with you. 

I think you should have a frank, sit down discussion with him about what you overheard him say. The truth is, you can't be mad at him for his feelings. He probably did not choose to start feeling for her again. However as a couple you can work together and set up proper boundaries to ensure that he doesn't act on those feelings and respects the relationship you have.

I'd suggest things like not going alone over to her house or vice versa. Have him include you in the interactions they have together. Go with them to lunch or dinner, if they do some kind of ritual to honour their son, go with them and support your fiance in celebrating his son's life. If you are to be each other's spouses one day soon, then you are the one that should be his priority so he should include you, let you in and lean on you as well.

If they both find that they need to talk things out together about their son to grieve and heal from this loss, then they should do it with the assistance of a grief counselor/family counselor who is experienced with grieving parents. I would also suggest that you sometimes attend these sessions so you can learn how to support your husband in this time and that both his ex wife and your husband are clear about their boundaries in supporting each other while grieving their son but respecting his future marriage. You can both be compassionate to her while safe-guarding your own relationship together. 

Again, sorry for your loss and what you're going through.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

After he broke up with his ex, did he take time to heal?

When exactly did he start dating after his break up/divorce?


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## honeysuckle (Feb 23, 2014)

Miss taken they do not spend time together. She had free rein for funeral arrangements. She is supported by her new partner,as I support my partner. He says he will never go back to her, so why mention his feelings at all?
She used to physically hurt him. He told me I am stuck with him until the end, that he is going nowhere (unless I cheat on him!)


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

Miss Taken is right on in many of her comments. 

Loss will always bring a level of emotions and grieving that you simply can't anticipate. The loss of a child is the greatest loss that you can experience, in my opinion. 

When I lost my brother suddenly and violently, I clung to my other siblings. The crisis brought me much closer to my other brother while causing distance with my H. My H didn't know how to handle my grief and simply stayed away except for the funeral and service itself.

That was a huge mistake in his part. I needed support and he wasn't there. I have since forgiven him, but his actions forever damaged my trust in him and killed what I felt.

You need to let him know you are there to support him. You need to carefully watch how he is acting and feeling.

I also very much agree that you should not let him be alone with her even as you support them grieving together. THEY lost a child, even if they aren't together any more. Let them grieve together, but be there with them if they get together. Tell him exactly why you are doing that. Tell him you want him to grieve with her, that you understand why he would need to grieve this loss with the mother of his child, and the follow that by saying you also understand that tragedy can pull people together during their grieving period, but for the wrong reasons. You want to be there to support him as he grieves and to help him from incorrectly associating his feelings of loss with love for his ex.

This will be a hard road. Be gentle with him. If he's a good man, you will come through this with a greater love between you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

honeysuckle said:


> Miss taken they do not spend time together. She had free rein for funeral arrangements. She is supported by her new partner,as I support my partner. He says he will never go back to her, so why mention his feelings at all?
> She used to physically hurt him. He told me I am stuck with him until the end, that he is going nowhere (unless I cheat on him!)


Okay. Well that clears a lot of things up. So my advice is going to be a bit different now. But I think it's a good thing because it doesn't sound like there's an affair of any kind taking place.

First, in fairness, he mentioned his feelings (you weren't supposed to hear them) to his mom and not you because he likely knows it would be hurtful to you or make you uncomfortable, sad or mad and doesn't want to rock the boat unnecessarily. He would have been correct in that assumption because you made a post on TAM about it and I'm sure it's not because you were thrilled to overhear that.

The second thing I'm going to say is about men's feelings. The thing with men's feelings in my opinion is this. Women always say that we want to hear what men are thinking or feeling but when the rubber meets the road, the truth is they often only want to hear the feelings that are positive and usually positive pertaining to them or reassuring to them as to the status/stability of the relationship. Once a guy says something negative, a bit critical, maybe depressing or something that incites jealousy, a lot of times women get mad or hurt and make his feelings about themselves. If you care about your fiance, regardless of how uncomfortable it makes you, you are going to accept and care for his feelings... this does not mean you necessarily agree with them. This means that you:


Accept that he has a right to have feelings;
That we can't always decide how/what to feel. Often emotion is not rational. It just _is_. 
Don't bash, guilt or punish him for feeling a certain way. 
That acceptance of his feelings means ALL of them. Note that their is a difference between liking them and/or agreeing with them. I'm sure you don't like (I wouldn't) that he feels anything for his ex. It'd be better if she was in the past and out of sight/out of mind.

Third, going back to the statement he made, well it's hard to say exactly how he felt when he said that. However I'm not sure now that a confrontation about it given the other info you just provided... it sounds like this isn't as dire as I'd initially suspected.

It's true that, "heart skips a beat" is commonly said in a romantic fashion. However, I think it could also mean anxiety/stress reaction...especially if as you said she was abusive to him in the past. Like how you feel when you skid when you drive on an ice in the winter time and momentarily lose control of the car.

Given all of the above, I think if I were you, I would try to forget what he said. It wasn't intended for your ears and he said it to his mom while framing it with how much he loves you. It's not like he said, "I'm not in love with honeysuckle, every time I see ex-wife my heart skips a beat and I'm reminded of how miserable I am in this relationship." And there's a possibility he was in a conversation about the son and grieving and ex-wife came up around the time you or he called each other. 

So he wasn't saying it to be hurtful. It doesn't sound like they're romantically or otherwise involved. Getting mad at him for feelings he likely didn't choose to experience is a fool's errand. What he did say is that he is in love with you and the happiest he's ever been. He didn't have to say that if he thought he was speaking in private about his true feelings. He likely said it because he meant it. So his behaviour also seems to indicate that so trust in that, not a fleeting, short lived emotion that comes up once on the rare occassion he sees his ex. (Which I'm sure will be an even more rare occassion now that they're not co-parenting and the funeral procession is over).


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## honeysuckle (Feb 23, 2014)

I never thought about the " heart skipping a beat" as anything other than romantic miss taken. Your thoughts about stress are just as plausible, my one answer mind not looking at alternatives.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

I think it is a possibility, of course it takes a bit of "benefit of the doubt" to consider it. But if his past marriage was hostile and she was violent and abusive towards him, it could cause anxiety similar to but not full on PTSD symptoms to see her.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

honeysuckle said:


> Miss taken they do not spend time together. She had free rein for funeral arrangements. She is supported by her new partner,as I support my partner. He says he will never go back to her, so why mention his feelings at all?
> She used to physically hurt him. He told me I am stuck with him until the end, that he is going nowhere (unless I cheat on him!)


Can you answer these?

After he broke up with his ex, did he take time to heal?

When exactly did he start dating after his break up/divorce?


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## honeysuckle (Feb 23, 2014)

Dof he had left his ex partner about 9 months before we got together, but we have known each other for 29 years. He did on occasions contact me just to talk to, moan at me (about his now ex) seek advice. At that time we were only talking. He stayed with his ex partner for the kids. Which I pointed out was for the wrong reasons & that eventually the kids (2 boys) would suffer in the long run.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

honeysuckle said:


> Dof he had left his ex partner about 9 months before we got together, but we have known each other for 29 years. He did on occasions contact me just to talk to, moan at me (about his now ex) seek advice. At that time we were only talking. He stayed with his ex partner for the kids. Which I pointed out was for the wrong reasons & that eventually the kids (2 boys) would suffer in the long run.


Reason #532432 why men/women can't be friends.

Anyways, 9 months was probably not enough time for him to heal. ALSO, during that time, I have a feeling he was already talking to you and probably building up to a relationship.

Which all goes back to "not healing".

You might be a rebound (I hope not) but it's too late for all that at this point (I guess).

But it does sounds like he has more healing to do if there is ANY feelings towards his ex. He is simply not ready for a new relationship yet?

You can just ignore it and hope in time things will work out. But honestly, don't be friends with males. Most will NOT be friends with you unless they find you attractive.

CLEARLY he did, if he is with you now. So it's hard to say that your friendship was TRUE and HONEST to begin with.

I believe in this, and although there is always an exception to the rule.......it's safe to say that 99.999% this is the case.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_lh5fR4DMA

And if are going to be friends with a male, make sure they are not married. Cause your relationship with them is inappropriate and disrespectful towards his marriage.

Just me though....


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

honeysuckle said:


> Dof he had left his ex partner about 9 months before we got together, but we have known each other for 29 years. He did on occasions contact me just to talk to, moan at me (about his now ex) seek advice. At that time we were only talking. He stayed with his ex partner for the kids. Which I pointed out was for the wrong reasons & that eventually the kids (2 boys) would suffer in the long run.



Can't say that this was an EA but it does sound inappropriate for a MM, reaching out to his old sweetheart for marriage advice. 

Anyway, do you have any reason to suspect he has been/is inappropriate with any other women since you've been dating/engaged?


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

honeysuckle said:


> He told his mother how much he loves me, how he has never been so happy in a relationship


He loves you enormously, he has never been so happy in a relationship.

You have a happy, loving partner!!!
:smthumbup:




> & then that his heart still skips a beat every time he sees his ex!!!!!!!


And so what?

You have to come to terms with the fact that we all have positive and negative issues in relations.

This means he thinks she looks sexy, and gets excited.
Every man has this with numerous woman! Women are sexy, and exciting to us. If they want, that is.

But other issues may have made life to a hell with her otherwise. Also a very common thing in many relations. I would say read TAM.

There is no other case with him and her than everybody has with his/her spouse and any attractive person of the other sex. Yes you need to watch this, if they are together alone, under the right circumstances they may have the stereotypical 'sex with your ex'. But it is no different than anyone else possibly getting into trouble.

Count your blessings and keep one eye open.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
"heart skips a beat" could either be attraction or remembrance of tragedy. If it is remembrance, then that is completely understandable.

It might be attraction. Some time ago a long ago (>25 year ago) girlfriend of mine posted some old photos on FB, including one from when we were dating. It stirred old memories of the great time we had together, and yes my heart skipped a beat. That is long in the past, but sometimes we get reminders of pleasant events from long ago. I see no harm in it.


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## honeysuckle (Feb 23, 2014)

The only thing about it that concerned me is that when he speaks to me about her/their relationship it is always very negative. I think I saw "heart skips a beat" as romantic rather than anything else. It is not a phrase that my partner would use in front of me with reference to his ex, after all I wasn't supposed to hear the conversation!


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## hldnhope (Apr 10, 2012)

honeysuckle said:


> He told me I am stuck with him until the end, that he is going nowhere (unless I cheat on him!)


This statement right here seems to reek of 'settling'...maybe you guys need to have a talk and be open about what you heard and his feelings...


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

If he was married to someone for 13 years who was abusive, I'm sure his feelings are very complicated. Especially since his feelings for her are also all wrapped up in his feelings for his children. 

He probably would benefit from some therapy right now, to help him with his grief and any unresolved issues he has from being married to an abuser for all those years.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

concentrate on the I have never been happier comment .

.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

"heart skips a beat" is a very romantic statement.

If he meant to say he was nervous or anxious at the sight of her, he could have easily said something else:

"when I saw X, I started to feel uptight "


" I feel kind of stressed when I see X, still so much I haven't resolved yet"

Just make sure you're not the "second place runner up' before you marry him or anything.

I don't think he should tell *other* people he has romantic feelings about women apart from you. It's more considerate to keep that to yourself.

When we first dated, my H would tell me he probably would never get over his first love (she was much older, and she dumped him)

It made me willing to still be friends with other guys. It just alienated me from him.

And it took a few years for him to stop saying he felt that way.

Don't know if that is of any use to you or not.

Hope everyone else posting, who thinks this is harmless is right, and I'm wrong.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

intheory said:


> "heart skips a beat" is a very romantic statement.
> 
> If he meant to say he was nervous or anxious at the sight of her, he could have easily said something else:
> 
> ...


:iagree: This reminds me of someone I dated decades ago. I was young and infatuated and he mentioned that 1 week prior to meeting me, he still had feelings for his ex-girlfriend. As I was young and stupid, I continued to date him. It didn't end well. I left and months later he said he wanted me back and that I was the best thing that had ever happened to him. Ya, well too late. I was constantly made to feel second best. My insecurity at the time allowed me to continue the relationship for longer than I should have.

Wishy-washiness, waffling around about feelings for w, y, z person, etc. Why put up with that? 

Call me naive, but I still believe in the fairy tale. Either I'm the love of his life, the most, the best, etc... or it's just not worth it. 

You're torturing yourself over his comment and I understand why. In order to free yourself of this burden I think you should simply confront him. "Fiance, I apologize but I did listen in on your conversation and it hurt my feelings to hear that you still have feelings for your ex. " Then see what he says. You may want to do this later, as he is still grieving over the loss of his child.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

maybe his "heart skips a beat" as in a dominatrix walking in with a strap on and a bull whip? If it was an abusive marriage....he probably thanks his lucky stars he is out of it and with you instead. Let it slide. With time he will no longer even think of her.


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## ThirtyYearsIn (Sep 20, 2014)

Maybe there are physical similarities, like his son had her eyes or hair or something. So when he sees her, he is seeing his son.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

honeysuckle said:


> He told his mother how much he loves me, how he has never been so happy in a relationship & then that his heart still skips a beat every time he sees his ex!!!!!!!


 He was married to her for many years, had a child with her, but was not happy with her as his wife. Because he has a heart, he will of course have some feelings for her, not for who she is, but for who she was. You on the other hand just heard him tell his mother, without knowing that you were listening, "how much he loves" you, and "how he has never been so happy in a relationship". If he has never been so happy in a relationship, that means that he was never as happy with his ex as he is with you. So what if he has some feeling for his ex, that is human. What counts is that you now know that he really has strong feeling for you wants to be your husband and not his ex's husband. This was good news not bad. I would say look at it as half full and not half empty, but it is way more than half full.


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