# My husband messaged my friend without my knowledge



## MarlenaD0624 (Nov 11, 2021)

Hello,
New here, married only a few months. We are having some communication breakdowns that are giving me serious pause. When we first met he was slightly possessive, but nothing too alarming. He had requested that I stop communicating with some male friends of mine, they were harmless but def enjoyed having my attention. I’m mid 40’s so these were mature platonic relationships, but I complied since it had been forever since I was in a relationship and wanted to give it my all and respect his boundaries. Shortly after that I found out he messaged a girlfriend of mine and didn’t tell me. She mentioned it in passing and it didn’t sit well with me, I got the intuitive yucky feeling in the pit of my stomach. Why did I have to end my innocent male friendships for his comfort but it’s ok for him to message my girlfriend (who is single) and not tell me? The message itself seemed harmless, but it still doesn’t feel good to me. There’s no need for him to message her, IMO. Seems like it’s attention seeking behavior and seed planting behavior. The yucky feeling in my gut and my intuition yelling at me is what bothers me the most. It caused an argument, I told him how I felt about it and please don’t do it again, and I thought that was it.
Fast forward a year and the same friend is coming over and again in passing, she mentions he messaged her. It appears innocent, he told her he would have the pool heated up for us later…. Nothing alarming. But AGAIN, the same feeling in my gut. I don’t like having my intuition screaming at me when on the surface everything seems normal. I chalk it up as a trigger, but I am still not ok with him doing it again after we had discussed this and he said he wouldn’t do it. I waited until the visit was over before telling him very calmly that I am triggered by his behavior. He blew up at me, got very defensive, accused me of accusing him of wanting to sleep with all my friends, I never said that. I merely was addressing that I was triggered and tried to talk to him about it. I made myself a list of what happened because I feel like I’m being gaslit and it’s scaring me. I have a past of choosing abusive men and I’m terrified I chose poorly again, but now it’s worse because I actually married this one. I normally catch red flag behavior, not sure how I missed this. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Red flags 11/10/21

He messaged my friend without my knowledge. When I tried to explain that it triggered me he got extremely defensive. He then accused me of having to walk on eggshells around me. I never raised my voice or accused him of anything. He continued to yell at me saying I ruined our night. He was very sarcastic and dismissive of my feelings.
He slammed the doorand is gaslighting me.
He showed no compassion for my trigger, and made no attempt to calmly discuss the matter.
This behavior makes me feel trapped in a marriage with a volatile man than I can’t talk to about my feelings. 
He accused me of accusing him of trying to have sex with all my friends. I never made such a claim at all. 

Am I wrong for feeling like he should’ve had a bit more compassion and should’ve showed some sensitivity instead of hostility? Should I not have told him why I was upset? I also feel like he knew ahead of time why I was upset. I terrified I’ve made a huge mistake marrying this man. any advice on how to proceed would be incredibly appreciated, thank you. ~MD


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Wow. What a jerk he is. I think it was a mistake marrying him


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Let him know you will be establishing contact with your male friends again because the rules should be equal on both sides


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

What was the mesaage? Why are you “triggered”???? I totally get that he shouldn’t be messaging your single gf’s. But what baffles me is he mentioned it. If he was doing something nefarious, I’d think he wouldn’t.


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

The feelings this gives me is your husband is throwing out some chum, just in case he gets one on the hook. 

Although, if the messages were very innocent, you might try asking him to route them through you, just as a concession to you being unreasonably triggered. That way you are admitting you may be over reaching (which I'm not saying you are) while giving your husband a very easy conession to make you happy in the relationship.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

He sounds really abusive and lacking in empathy.
You should do the 180 on him and if he asks why you are withdrawing tell him you do not feel emotionally safe with him and how come there is one rule for him and one for you. 
Tell him also that since he does not respect your boundaries after you respected his, you will be contacting your old male friends cause it looks like that is the way things are.
I also think that when any spouse reacts the way he did with aggression and anger, there is something to this. Maybe he is actually cheating, do NOT dismiss your gut. You have it for a reason.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Evinrude58 said:


> What was the mesaage? Why are you “triggered”???? I totally get that he shouldn’t be messaging your single gf’s. But what baffles me is he mentioned it. If he was doing something nefarious, I’d think he wouldn’t.


He did not mention it, the girlfriend did. There is a difference.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

aine said:


> He did not mention it, the girlfriend did. There is a difference.


Had to reread. It’s late. You’re right, he’s fishing. I’ll bet the friend is hot.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

He continues to disrespect you. There no longer trust and he isn’t doing things to earn it back… so there’s absolutely no foundation for the marriage. He’s ruined it.

And I’d bet money he wants to sleep with her - or already has. He’s willing to disrespect you to text her - so really - I’d consider ending the marriage based on that - add in his reaction (which looks guilty) and I’d definitely end it. He’s a jerk.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

The only "wrong" thing you did was marry this abuser.

Get your picker fixed since you say you tend to pick these types.

This guy is a jerk-off. Even with your bad picker you're able to see it. 

You don't need us to tell you what to do. You KNOW what you need to do.

Get doin' it.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

MarlenaD0624 said:


> Hello,
> New here, married only a few months. We are having some communication breakdowns that are giving me serious pause. When we first met he was slightly possessive, but nothing too alarming. He had requested that I stop communicating with some male friends of mine, they were harmless but def enjoyed having my attention. I’m mid 40’s so these were mature platonic relationships, but I complied since it had been forever since I was in a relationship and wanted to give it my all and respect his boundaries. Shortly after that I found out he messaged a girlfriend of mine and didn’t tell me. She mentioned it in passing and it didn’t sit well with me, I got the intuitive yucky feeling in the pit of my stomach. Why did I have to end my innocent male friendships for his comfort but it’s ok for him to message my girlfriend (who is single) and not tell me? The message itself seemed harmless, but it still doesn’t feel good to me. There’s no need for him to message her, IMO. Seems like it’s attention seeking behavior and seed planting behavior. The yucky feeling in my gut and my intuition yelling at me is what bothers me the most. It caused an argument, I told him how I felt about it and please don’t do it again, and I thought that was it.
> Fast forward a year and the same friend is coming over and again in passing, she mentions he messaged her. It appears innocent, he told her he would have the pool heated up for us later…. Nothing alarming. But AGAIN, the same feeling in my gut. I don’t like having my intuition screaming at me when on the surface everything seems normal. I chalk it up as a trigger, but I am still not ok with him doing it again after we had discussed this and he said he wouldn’t do it. I waited until the visit was over before telling him very calmly that I am triggered by his behavior. He blew up at me, got very defensive, accused me of accusing him of wanting to sleep with all my friends, I never said that. I merely was addressing that I was triggered and tried to talk to him about it. I made myself a list of what happened because I feel like I’m being gaslit and it’s scaring me. I have a past of choosing abusive men and I’m terrified I chose poorly again, but now it’s worse because I actually married this one. I normally catch red flag behavior, not sure how I missed this. 🤦🏻‍♀️
> 
> ...


Rules for thee and not for me. Definitely not a good start to a marriage. He thinks he is entitled to do what he wants, and you cannot. You were expected to end male friendships, but he can message your friend (in his mind). Why would it be necessary to inform the friend that "I'll have the pool heated for you guys"? 

If you choose to remain with him, I would speak to your friend, and ask her to block his number and not to communicate with him. But that would only be a short-lived, temporary 'fix', it wouldn't solve the overall problem. If he is not willing to even acknowledge that you're simply asking him to now respect your boundaries, as you have respected his, then, you don't have much of a marriage. Sounds to me like you did what I did in my marriage, overlook some red flags. It sucks, but it happens to the best of us.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Better to be single than married to an a$$hole!


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

MarlenaD0624 said:


> but I complied since it had been forever since I was in a relationship


There's the core issue. He's always been an arse, you just overlooked it. He's not going to change.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

I'll play devils advocate. Is it possible you had an accusatory tone or verbiage when you were bringing it up? I know when people accuse me of something I didn't do or didn't intend it rubs me wrong. I don't blow up like he did, but then again some people control there emotions better than others.

If you did nothing wrong, if nothing else you both need to sit down and have a conversation about boundaries and what you feel comfortable with and why it triggers you.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

MarlenaD0624 said:


> Hello,
> New here, married only a few months. We are having some communication breakdowns that are giving me serious pause. When we first met he was slightly possessive, but nothing too alarming. He had requested that I stop communicating with some male friends of mine, they were harmless but def enjoyed having my attention. I’m mid 40’s so these were mature platonic relationships, but I complied since it had been forever since I was in a relationship and wanted to give it my all and respect his boundaries. Shortly after that I found out he messaged a girlfriend of mine and didn’t tell me. She mentioned it in passing and it didn’t sit well with me, I got the intuitive yucky feeling in the pit of my stomach. Why did I have to end my innocent male friendships for his comfort but it’s ok for him to message my girlfriend (who is single) and not tell me? The message itself seemed harmless, but it still doesn’t feel good to me. There’s no need for him to message her, IMO. Seems like it’s attention seeking behavior and seed planting behavior. The yucky feeling in my gut and my intuition yelling at me is what bothers me the most. It caused an argument, I told him how I felt about it and please don’t do it again, and I thought that was it.
> Fast forward a year and the same friend is coming over and again in passing, she mentions he messaged her. It appears innocent, he told her he would have the pool heated up for us later…. Nothing alarming. But AGAIN, the same feeling in my gut. I don’t like having my intuition screaming at me when on the surface everything seems normal. I chalk it up as a trigger, but I am still not ok with him doing it again after we had discussed this and he said he wouldn’t do it. I waited until the visit was over before telling him very calmly that I am triggered by his behavior. He blew up at me, got very defensive, accused me of accusing him of wanting to sleep with all my friends, I never said that. I merely was addressing that I was triggered and tried to talk to him about it. I made myself a list of what happened because I feel like I’m being gaslit and it’s scaring me. I have a past of choosing abusive men and I’m terrified I chose poorly again, but now it’s worse because I actually married this one. I normally catch red flag behavior, not sure how I missed this. 🤦🏻‍♀️
> 
> ...


I would have cut through all his drama and phoniness by firmly stating that I would be re-establishing all my male friendships, which are just as harmless as HIS interactions with other women, and if he didn't like it, he could either leave or start making the same choices that he expects ME to make.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Your mistake was kowtowing to his unreasonable request that you severe friendships. Now you have to figure out how to deal with his immature refusal to communicate. My advise be clear & firm about your expectations & your boundaries.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

LisaDiane said:


> I would have cut through all his drama and phoniness by firmly stating that I would be re-establishing all my male friendships, which are just as harmless as HIS interactions with other women, and if he didn't like it, he could either leave or start making the same choices that he expects ME to make.


She could also start messaging his friends, assuming he has any.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

1. Trust your gut. It’s not ALWAYS right, but it’s always right until proven otherwise.

2. There is a difference between YOU messaging YOUR male friends, and HIM messaging YOUR female friends.
The former involves a relationship between you and a male friend that your husband is not a primary component of, and in the latter, he does not hold the primary relationship with the female friend, you do. Not saying that it can’t lead to shenanigans, but the situation/dynamics are different. Not apples to apples.

3. Trust your gut, until proven otherwise.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

We’ve had the same group of friends for decades. I don’t have any of my husband’s male friends numbers, or my female friend’s numbers. I wouldn’t be messaging any of them. And same goes for him. 

If she’s your friend, why does he even have her number. Your friend has done the right thing by telling you (did she respond?)

If my friend’s husband messaged me telling me he was heating up the pool - ick. 

She probably had that same yuck feeling you do.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Back when I was married, I never felt comfortable texting my ex wife’s friends, even if she asked me to. It’s like going to a lady’s house when her husband isn’t home. I’m not comfortable doing it, even when I’m asked to by the husband.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Evinrude58 said:


> Back when I was married, I never felt comfortable texting my ex wife’s friends, even if she asked me to.  It’s like going to a lady’s house when her husband isn’t home. I’m not comfortable doing it, even when I’m asked to by the husband.


I kind of feel the same way. If I have to text a girl, I usually include my wife in the string or her husband.


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