# Why didn't he ever want it?



## Blonddeee (Dec 17, 2008)

I will hopefully someday be divorced, but I want some advice so that I can learn from my past relationship and not fall into the same situation again- I know that my situation isn't the norm, but I've read many other women on this fourm that go through the same thing so maybe it can shed some light for others too.
I always thought my ex-h was prude- when we dated I always had to initiate sex, but I usually didn't mind because we'd go out and drink with friends so I'd be a little drunk and happy to get things started- it hurt when i was turned down, but I didn't let it bother me too much- I offered to watch videos, buy toys, try new things and he never wanted to do any of it... so I thought he was prude, but I loved him and married him. He was overly affectionate other then sex, always hugging and kissing me and needing to be next to me, but it never went anywhere...just cuddling-:sleeping: I'd tell him he was amazing and try to boost his confidence when we did have sex, but that didn't do much either. We had been married a year when I found that he watched porn hours per day when I was sleeping (he worked nights)... that ticked me off because I wasn't getting it from anywhere else and he was getting his everyday from watching that and not caring about my needs... so I told him that unless he started it that I was no longer going to start it... we went a year and a half of a 3 year marriage with no sex because he never started it- he would try to stop watching porn, but he "couldn't" help it... I don't really know what my question is... just venting a bit  But I hope to find someone again and obviously I will make sure they have a desire to be with me, but why do men do this? And if you could explain why I spent 6 years with him... that would help too... sorry... having a bad day today... just need to vent


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## Gomez (Jun 5, 2009)

I love my sex life. My wife and I are very open and direct when we want sex, we just tell each other, "We are doing XXX tonight". I was single from after high school until 25 when I got married, and I dated several girls but none of them were frisky enough for me, so I eventually ignored thier advances. If I didn't get a kiss by the third date or sex by the third month it was over. If the sex wasn't audibly good for both of us it was not repeated.

I dont know why people continue in relationships that dont satisfy them. Even after you are married how hard is it to say "Look honey, I want more sex in my life than I think you are comfortable giving, so I think we should find a way to exit this situation and still be friends." Marriage is completely voulentary, so why keep going in it if it is making you miserable? Its not a divorce that scares me, its a bad divorce where two people end up hating each other. If you get out soon befor you get all that pent up regret for time wasted then you should be able to just admit that this was a mistake. I really feel sorry for the people on this site who post about mismatched sexuality.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Sounds like he had either one of two things happening, or maybe both together.

The old "madonna/*****" thing where you're just too pure a woman to be defiled and debased with sex, and he meets his sexual needs buy jerking off to the *****s on porn tapes.

And/or...

He's watched so much glossy "perfect" females in porn that an actual real life naked woman just seems like "bad porn" and does nothing for him. You could probably be Cindy Crawford before hair and makeup and he'd be uninterested in you.

As to advice for the future... I guess just look for a guy that is at least somewhat assertive about getting into your pants. The problem seems to be on his end rather than yours.

No idea why people stay in sexless marriages. That just befuddles me.


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## NothingMan (Jul 16, 2009)

People stay in sexless marriages if there are kids involved. To me, being able to be a full time dad and spending as much time as possible with my boys is FAR more important then my own happiness/sex life. Which isnt to say that it doesnt drive me crazy..but the sacrifice is worth it. I dont want to share time, split time, every other weekend crap. My boys need me 24 hours a day and Im prepared to forego a great sex life in order to provide it for them.

Thats why some people stay.





John


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## Blonddeee (Dec 17, 2008)

Thanks for the responses... I did file for divorce for a number of reasons in March... he's just making it drag on. 
I guess I know the signs to look for in the next man in my life- when i first started dating him I thought it was so sweet that he never tried to pressure me into sex... I thought he was just being respectful because he always told me that I was hottest girl he ever dated so I knew he was attracted to me... after 3 months I finally made it happen- I was tired of waiting... 
So now I just need someone that wants it, but gives me a little respect too... just not too much


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Blonddeee said:


> He was overly affectionate other then sex, always hugging and kissing me and needing to be next to me, but it never went anywhere...just cuddling-:sleeping:


this is what baffles me, too. my H is also very cuddly and affectionate. just not into sex. its the most confusing thing. and the most frustrating! ive tried to understand it but i gave up. i dont really care about 'why' anymore.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Could he be a closeted homosexual?

In any event, I think you are right to ditch him. You two are not compatible.

You deserve the pleasures of life.


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## Blonddeee (Dec 17, 2008)

michzz said:


> Could he be a closeted homosexual?
> 
> In any event, I think you are right to ditch him. You two are not compatible.
> 
> You deserve the pleasures of life.


When I've talked to other people about the sex issue they always ask if he's gay- he's never struck me as having any of those tendencies, but I guess he could have been trying to over compensate his sexuality with porn...who knows... I know his older sister is gay, but she hasn't come out to his family because they would be very unexcepting of that. 
The one good thing... if I ever saw him with another girl... I don't think I would feel super jealous...in the 6 years I was with him he went down on me once... he was never concerned with my needs... sooo I might feel a little bad for the next woman he's with- maybe she can teach him something... i sure didn't have any luck in that dept.


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## Blonddeee (Dec 17, 2008)

Ok... so I was in the neighborhood of my old house last night and I hadn't been back there since April and I knew he was at work and it's techically still my house... so I went in... I tried not to touch anything, but I did look in the nightstand... there were condoms with 1 missing out of a pack of 3... so wohoo he's been with someone- I know I'm awful for being nosey... it's weird, I don't feel jealous at all- more curious. Plus I've been dating someone who actually likes to have sex with me so YAY for me


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## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

I am hoping for you that when you find someone for the longer haul, you let him request it a few times before giving it to him. I used to think that was all bunk... if you both want to do it, then do it. But I think I was wrong in that as it does set up a certain dynamic of the guy thinking he can have control of the sex life... when he should really know he has to deserve it. Men are hunters and they like to be the initiators, women like to be wanted and pursued... the only way a woman can know that a guy is into her is if he contacts her, he pursues her... otherwise that is never known and can cause problems down the road.

The movie "He's Just Not That Into You" was very helpful... a guy only goes after someone he is into... if you have to do the initiating all the time, he's not into you. Its apparently that plain and simple. Guys, please comment on the pursue and get concept if Im wrong! If you are not into a girl, you dont pursue, if you are, you do... is that about it? I know that guys also like to be come onto, like the guy who wants to be with a girl so badly and is just to nervous about it... she can then make the first move to break the ice... but it only has to be a kiss or a simple verbal comment that lets you guys know that we are into you. Once you know that and you are into the girl, then you like to pursue. You respect the girl whom you get to pursue and "win" the affections of.


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## Blonddeee (Dec 17, 2008)

Thanks for your response choose2love, I agree to let the guy chase and pursue me... in the relationship with my ex I was in control of everything which got old... he didn't even see his paychecks, he didn't want any responsibility for paying bills, I started to feel like his mother... if something happened it was up to me to fix it, he worked hard at his job, but at home he was so weak... he was proud that he never said no to me if I wanted to go shopping, out with friends, anything- I could ... sounds nice, but I want a partner that I can respect and makes decisions. 
The guy I'm dating now can take care of himself and he does take charge in the bedroom- it's great, I don't know where it will go, but it's nice being with someone that has grown up.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

That is so sad. I did use porn until a few years ago. I used it on the nights that my wife did not want to connect. She was great about sex, it was just I wanted daily and after a decade that was tiresome to her, so I just used porn as a release. 

But now, I save 100% of my sexual energy for her. 

I hope you find a man who would rather be with a real person then a computer screen. 





Blonddeee said:


> I will hopefully someday be divorced, but I want some advice so that I can learn from my past relationship and not fall into the same situation again- I know that my situation isn't the norm, but I've read many other women on this fourm that go through the same thing so maybe it can shed some light for others too.
> I always thought my ex-h was prude- when we dated I always had to initiate sex, but I usually didn't mind because we'd go out and drink with friends so I'd be a little drunk and happy to get things started- it hurt when i was turned down, but I didn't let it bother me too much- I offered to watch videos, buy toys, try new things and he never wanted to do any of it... so I thought he was prude, but I loved him and married him. He was overly affectionate other then sex, always hugging and kissing me and needing to be next to me, but it never went anywhere...just cuddling-:sleeping: I'd tell him he was amazing and try to boost his confidence when we did have sex, but that didn't do much either. We had been married a year when I found that he watched porn hours per day when I was sleeping (he worked nights)... that ticked me off because I wasn't getting it from anywhere else and he was getting his everyday from watching that and not caring about my needs... so I told him that unless he started it that I was no longer going to start it... we went a year and a half of a 3 year marriage with no sex because he never started it- he would try to stop watching porn, but he "couldn't" help it... I don't really know what my question is... just venting a bit  But I hope to find someone again and obviously I will make sure they have a desire to be with me, but why do men do this? And if you could explain why I spent 6 years with him... that would help too... sorry... having a bad day today... just need to vent


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I actually think you are right about playing a bit hard to get during dating. Once you are married though - if your spouse is considerate and treating you well, you should make the effort to not reject their sexual advances. Even if not in the mood, I think it is worth making an effort. 

But I also think it is sad when one of the partners does oral sex once in six years..... 




Choose2love said:


> I am hoping for you that when you find someone for the longer haul, you let him request it a few times before giving it to him. I used to think that was all bunk... if you both want to do it, then do it. But I think I was wrong in that as it does set up a certain dynamic of the guy thinking he can have control of the sex life... when he should really know he has to deserve it. Men are hunters and they like to be the initiators, women like to be wanted and pursued... the only way a woman can know that a guy is into her is if he contacts her, he pursues her... otherwise that is never known and can cause problems down the road.
> 
> The movie "He's Just Not That Into You" was very helpful... a guy only goes after someone he is into... if you have to do the initiating all the time, he's not into you. Its apparently that plain and simple. Guys, please comment on the pursue and get concept if Im wrong! If you are not into a girl, you dont pursue, if you are, you do... is that about it? I know that guys also like to be come onto, like the guy who wants to be with a girl so badly and is just to nervous about it... she can then make the first move to break the ice... but it only has to be a kiss or a simple verbal comment that lets you guys know that we are into you. Once you know that and you are into the girl, then you like to pursue. You respect the girl whom you get to pursue and "win" the affections of.


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