# would you?



## suspiciousOfPeople (Sep 5, 2012)

Would you install a VAR or spy camera in your S.O. vehicle even though there has been no indication of foul play? Or is it just wrong?


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Without no indication whatsoever? Without a single reason for it? No i wouldn't. I think it's a bad thing to do to someone who has given you no reason to act like that.


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

Wow, your handle says it all.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Suspicious,

I thought you decided that all was well with your wife

Again, your gut is telling you something different. I wonder why?


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

No... not without reason

I trust my H until I have a reason NOT to trust him.... if there were red flags I do the VAR or keylogger thing in a hearts beat.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

I think it would be wrong no matter the circumstance. To me, information you find out about someone in a sneaky way, is not information you should use against them. It can be for your knowledge, but not something that should ever be brought up. 
Invading someones privacy like that when they believe that they are alone, not acceptable.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

There's a HUGE difference between looking for evidence to corroborate what you've got a reason to suspect, and going to extreme measures to LOOK FOR dirt that isn't likely to be there. I'd leave in a moment if someone did that to me! If I'd done something questionable, I'd probably forgive, but to go to that extreme would make me think they're mentally unstable.


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## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

How would you feel if you found out your wife has you under surveillance? Would you be upset that everything you did was monitored without you knowing it?

While my life is an open book for my husband, I do not need him knowing everything I say or do. does he need to hear me fart in the car? Think not. Privacy is different than secrecy.


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## grattitude (Sep 13, 2012)

nope, i wouldn't do it, not without a pretty good reason.


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## Feelingdown (Aug 13, 2012)

I'm not a fan of snooping under any circumstances. By all means go through her email, go through her phone or her facebook as the way I look at it you have a right to do so.. but anything further is plain wrong in my view. There are better ways to investigate and more importantly, there are better ways to protect your marriage.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

I've gone back over some of your other posts (but not all of them) and the issues over your wife's "friendship" with a colleague. It's clear to me that this is killing you inside. If you are really that uncomfortable with this, then talk to your wife and ask her to end the friendship. If she really loves you she will understand and respect your wishes. You can even meet with her "friend" and tell him your feelings and ask him to respect your wishes. You can't go on living like this man. If you get no cooperation from either one, get counceling with your wife. This is not a healthy situation.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> I've gone back over some of your other posts (but not all of them) and the issues over your wife's "friendship" with a colleague. It's clear to me that this is killing you inside. If you are really that uncomfortable with this, then talk to your wife and ask her to end the friendship. If she really loves you she will understand and respect your wishes. You can even meet with her "friend" and tell him your feelings and ask him to respect your wishes. You can't go on living like this man. If you get no cooperation from either one, get counceling with your wife. This is not a healthy situation.


:iagree: 100%! 

This is certainly something that would make me suspicious but not to the point where I'd install a VAR or any other "snooping" device. However, after you tell your wife how uncomfortable you are with this friendship and she refuses to end it for the sake of your feelings and your marriage then, yeah, I may consider doing some snooping activity. Sad to say but sometimes we have to get our own answers for our own piece of mind. It's better to know and work with that knowledge then not knowing and letting it slowly kill you emotionally.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

I snoop on my wife all the time, even though she has never given me reason for concern. I check her hotmail and her FB at least once a week. If I had a VAR I would do it. As Ronald Reagan said during the SALT negotiations "Trust, but verify."

You are just being vigilant for everyone's benefit. Right?


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

johnnycomelately said:


> I snoop on my wife all the time, even though she has never given me reason for concern. I check her hotmail and her FB at least once a week. If I had a VAR I would do it. As Ronald Reagan said during the SALT negotiations "Trust, but verify."
> 
> You are just being vigilant for everyone's benefit. Right?


Does she know you do this? So wrong.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

gbrad said:


> Does she know you do this? So wrong.


Ha, ha. Yes, she does. I set up her hotmail and FB accounts and she sometimes asks me to access them.

I think that if there is even a hint you are justified in snooping. I think too much stock is put into 'privacy' in a marriage. My wife has the right to know what I am doing and who I am talking too all the time, and I have no reason whatsoever to prevent her from doing that. 

If you have nothing to hide why would you object?


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

The only reason to check up on someone you claim to love and trust is shady behavior. If your spouse isn't being shady, that's just a yucky thing to do. Why be in a relationship if you can't trust the person at all?


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

johnnycomelately said:


> I snoop on my wife all the time, even though she has never given me reason for concern. I check her hotmail and her FB at least once a week. If I had a VAR I would do it. As Ronald Reagan said during the SALT negotiations "Trust, but verify."
> 
> You are just being vigilant for everyone's benefit. Right?


I do this too from time to time ever since an ex of my wife started e-mailing her 2 1/2 years ago (which I put an end to after the second e-mail). It took a couple of weeks for my wife to understand my position and things have been cool ever since, but I do believe in verification.

However, there is a difference between normal "verification" and an obsession. The situation with the OP's wife is killing him and it just isn't healthy.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

moxy said:


> The only reason to check up on someone you claim to love and trust is shady behavior. If your spouse isn't being shady, that's just a yucky thing to do. Why be in a relationship if you can't trust the person at all?


I personally view opposite sex friendships as a shady behavior even though his wife is being transparent (as far as I know). No good can come from a married person having a close opposite sex friendship.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

The OP is suspicious by nature and has freely admitted that.

Many here advised him that he could/should investigate as a means to rule out an possible indiscretions on his wife's part and thus put his own suspicious mind to rest.

Instead, he chose to go about it in a completely different manner, basically laying all of his cards on the table, changing the story and continuing to blame his suspicious personality for his gut feelings. 

So if his wife was doing something she shouldn't have been doing, he alerted her to his investigation so it probably went underground or cooled off for a while.

Again, that's not to say she is doing something wrong. It could just be his paranoia but I find it very telling that he's back here asking these type of questions again.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

i wouldn't. but i wouldn't tell someone not to if i know it'll give them peace of mind.


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## Feelingdown (Aug 13, 2012)

Toffer said:


> The OP is suspicious by nature and has freely admitted that.
> 
> Many here advised him that he could/should investigate as a means to rule out an possible indiscretions on his wife's part and thus put his own suspicious mind to rest.
> 
> ...


What's telling? What does someone who is suspecious by nature still being suspecious and untrusting a week or two later tell us?

Personally, I'm not too sure it's a particularly good idea to advise someone who suffers from paranoia to go digging and looking for dirt, not is it a good idea to plant the idea in their head that their SO is just hiding things better now.


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## Aggie (Sep 5, 2012)

My wife and I both have complete access to each other's online things, and don't get upset with the other one wanting to look at it.

She checks my email and FB, but that's mostly because I forget to. There's been many times where I haven't noticed an important email and she has brought it to my attention.

Neither of us take offense to looking at each other's things, and in some instances, it has really helped that we do this. 

For example, I was still in college while married and taking some classes. I could not study at home, so I would go to the library late at night and stay until 2:00 AM usually. It looks bad, so naturally she would get a little suspicious; however, anytime she was feeling insecure she had free-reign of everything I had to look at. She told me a year or so later that her looking at my things really kept her feeling secure and from lashing out at me.

In my opinion, any boundary for a marriage is perfectly fine as long as the spouses agree on it. My wife and I may have what others would consider odd, but we've both agreed to it to be as transparent as possible.

So Suspicious, have you and your wife previously talked about the boundaries of snooping? If she's trying to show you that there's nothing going on, maybe if you asked her she would tell you to install the camera on her car.

At any rate, good luck.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Well, Original Poster, all I can say is: if you don't have trust, then YOU DON'T HAVE A MARRIAGE!

Oh, you might be throwing your money into the same bank account and living in the same house, but THAT DOESN'T MAKE A MARRIAGE. Why would you want to be in a relationship like this? Why would she? This is beyond sad; you two are wasting your lives.

If you haven't gotten IC to find out WHY you are so suspicious and take control of it, IT WILL RUIN YOUR LIFE. This behavior you're advocating is just the kind of behavior that would make a normal person RUN AWAY...forever! Who wants to be treated like some two-timing wh*re all the time? It's VERY INSULTING that *THAT* is what you think of your wife.

Get help!


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Feelingdown said:


> What's telling? What does someone who is suspecious by nature still being suspecious and untrusting a week or two later tell us?
> 
> Personally, I'm not too sure it's a particularly good idea to advise someone who suffers from paranoia to go digging and looking for dirt, not is it a good idea to plant the idea in their head that their SO is just hiding things better now.


Really? What does it tell us? One of a few things:

He is over-reacting to something and needs counseling (He was also told this previously in his first thread)

His wife crossed a boundary of his (although unspoken) and he objected and pushed back and then felt all was fine

His wife may have done more than just cross a boundary and that's what brought him here.

You may want to take a few minutes and read his original thread and all the replies he recieved.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

johnnycomelately said:


> I snoop on my wife all the time, even though she has never given me reason for concern. I check her hotmail and her FB at least once a week. If I had a VAR I would do it. As Ronald Reagan said during the SALT negotiations "Trust, but verify."
> 
> You are just being vigilant for everyone's benefit. Right?


If I'm mad at my husband, I might e-mail my gal pal to vent. It's really not his business what I say to her, but if he has that information before I'm ready to talk to him, it can have a number of very NON-beneficial effects. 

- it can make him feel unloved or disrespected even though I vented to a friend so that I could avoid hurting his feelings.
- it lets him have an unfair advantage in resolving problems
- if I discovered that he'd been checking up on me even though I hadn't given him reason to, I'd feel as if he'd accused and judged me unfairly. I would lose respect and love for him. 

My husband and I have access to each other's stuff, but we don't abuse that privilege. What's being described here crosses the line into abusing another person's kindness.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

KathyBatesel said:


> If I'm mad at my husband, I might e-mail my gal pal to vent. It's really not his business what I say to her, but if he has that information before I'm ready to talk to him, it can have a number of very NON-beneficial effects.
> 
> - it can make him feel unloved or disrespected even though I vented to a friend so that I could avoid hurting his feelings.
> - it lets him have an unfair advantage in resolving problems
> ...


I agree, although I would never use email to vent, for this reason. If I am going to vent I do it verbally. If my wife accessed my email for a legitimate reason I am not convinced she would be able to resist reading a couple of emails.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

The Middleman said:


> I personally view opposite sex friendships as a shady behavior even though his wife is being transparent (as far as I know). No good can come from a married person having a close opposite sex friendship.


Actually there is one good that can come from it. A friend. We all need them in life.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

gbrad said:


> Actually there is one good that can come from it. A friend. We all need them in life.


Sorry but I can't agree with you. A very close friendship with someone of the opposite sex runs the risk of an emotional connection. Not worth it in my opinion AND it ain't happenin' in my home.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

The Middleman said:


> Sorry but I can't agree with you. A very close friendship with someone of the opposite sex runs the risk of an emotional connection. Not worth it in my opinion AND it ain't happenin' in my home.


Runs the risk. That doesn't mean it WILL happen. And so what if there is an emotional connection. To me, there should be an emotional connection with every friend we make; otherwise its not a real true friend (just my opinion on friendship overall). But the risk is that something more significant will build. I get that, but what is life if we avoid all risks and avoid all danger. I think there is something to be said to facing a risk or laughing in the face of danger and winning. That is part of the joy and rush of living. Can't just avoid all risks in life. Gotta live it.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

gbrad said:


> Runs the risk. That doesn't mean it WILL happen. And so what if there is an emotional connection. To me, there should be an emotional connection with every friend we make; otherwise its not a real true friend (just my opinion on friendship overall). But the risk is that something more significant will build. I get that, but what is life if we avoid all risks and avoid all danger. I think there is something to be said to facing a risk or laughing in the face of danger and winning. That is part of the joy and rush of living. Can't just avoid all risks in life. Gotta live it.


As I said: it ain't happenin' in my home. Let someone else be the moron that has is wife (or husband) being bent over a sofa by someone else; I'm not that stupid.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

The Middleman said:


> As I said: it ain't happenin' in my home. Let someone else be the moron that has is wife (or husband) being bent over a sofa by someone else; I'm not that stupid.


so you have no trust.


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

gbrad said:


> so you have no trust.


Having trust also means knowing when not to have it.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

gbrad said:


> so you have no trust.


I have trust, more important, I have love but I don't take stupid chances. Hey, you can do what you want, it doesn't matter to me. And you don't have to worry about how I feel as long as you're not the one married to me.

Go check out the infidelity board and look at all the men and women (men in particular) who had an opinion similar to yours about opposite sex friends. Their wives are now sperm receptacles. Just sayin'. (and end of discussion)


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

anonim said:


> Having trust also means knowing when not to have it.





The Middleman said:


> I have trust, more important, I have love but I don't take stupid chances. Hey, you can do what you want, it doesn't matter to me. And you don't have to worry about how I feel as long as you're not the one married to me.
> 
> Go check out the infidelity board and look at all the men and women (men in particular) who had an opinion similar to yours about opposite sex friends. Their wives are now sperm receptacles. Just sayin'. (and end of discussion)


to me, these are mind sets out of fear. You can live your life in fear of what could happen, that is your choice. I disagree with that and I think it unnecessarily deprives you and your spouse the opportunity to have potential meaningful friendships. 
If an affair is going to happen, it is going to happen. You can't prevent all of what ails us in life. I'd rather take those risks in life than avoid living.

I don't worry about how you feel, I just feel for you. Makes me sad. 

And anoninm, I didn't know trust was conditional when trust exists.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

gbrad said:


> I don't worry about how you feel, I just feel for you. Makes me sad.


Thanks for the concern, but I got everything covered. There are better things to be sad about than how I handle my marriage, so don't be sad.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

The Middleman said:


> Thanks for the concern, but I got everything covered. There are better things to be sad about than how I handle my marriage, so don't be sad.


Why does it seem as if you are mad in your responses? We're just having a conversation.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

gbrad said:


> Why does it seem as if you are mad in your responses? We're just having a conversation.


Not mad at all. It's just that my style is a bit aggressive; I guess that's a part of my New York City upbringing. However, I really don't want to debate the issue further. I don't think I'm going to change your mind (and I don't want to) and for sure you won't be changing mine. Call me old fashioned, call me insecure, call me controlling, call me abusive; I'm cool with all of it. I don't believe that close opposite sex friends belong in a marriage and I've taken strong steps to see to it that they are not part of mine. If anyone asks me my opinion, I give it to them. it's up to them if they take it or not. All I know, to the best of my knowledge, my wife is not emotionally or physically connected to any other male but me (and I check).

So let's just agree to disagree.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

suspiciousOfPeople said:


> Would you install a VAR or spy camera in your S.O. vehicle even though there has been no indication of foul play? Or is it just wrong?


If you are not a control freak even contemplating using a VAR or spy cam in your SO vehicle means something is up. Either you are feeling guilty because of your own behavior or you have been driving to find the truth because you cannot find other evidence. Most people that I know of have installed VARs only after the has been minimal proof found elsewhere ie texts, emails, money missing or just plain lying. 

Do I feel it is wrong....if it is just controlling behavior yes. To find out evidence to protect yourself...no.

FYI....I never went that far. I probably never will. Any behavior or inappropriate contact from here on out and it is over. I do not need anymore damning evidence than a simple email or text.


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## suspiciousOfPeople (Sep 5, 2012)

Toffer said:


> Really? What does it tell us? One of a few things:
> 
> He is over-reacting to something and needs counseling (He was also told this previously in his first thread)
> 
> ...


The boundary was not an unspoken boundary. She knows it makes me uncomfortable.


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## suspiciousOfPeople (Sep 5, 2012)

I did by a spy camera with a micro DVR that could be easily hidden any where. However, I am NOT going to install it in my wifes car. It will remain in the box unless I believe she is doing something fishy. Right now I whole heartedly believe nothing is going on with her and someone else. As I have stated in other posts I (as does my wife) have access to facebook, email, computer, phone, work spaces,..... I do check occasionally.

Also, I often tell myself "wow Ive got a great life, beautiful & understanding wife, wonderful kids. This just too good to be true *something is going to go wrong*" I have no idea why but this is always how Ive been.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

suspiciousOfPeople said:


> I did by a spy camera with a micro DVR that could be easily hidden any where. However, I am NOT going to install it in my wifes car. It will remain in the box unless I believe she is doing something fishy. Right now I whole heartedly believe nothing is going on with her and someone else. As I have stated in other posts I (as does my wife) have access to facebook, email, computer, phone, work spaces,..... I do check occasionally.
> 
> *Again, as I've said in the past, there could be other email accounts*
> 
> Also, I often tell myself "wow Ive got a great life, beautiful & understanding wife, wonderful kids. This just too good to be true *something is going to go wrong*" I have no idea why but this is always how Ive been.


*If all is well in your world, why the continual posts? Somethings nawing at you. It could be your nature and if so, you should seek individual counseling to help you with this

By the way, if she broke a SPOKEN boundary, I would be suspicious too!*


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

suspiciousOfPeople said:


> I did by a spy camera with a micro DVR that could be easily hidden any where. However, I am NOT going to install it in my wifes car. It will remain in the box unless I believe she is doing something fishy. Right now I whole heartedly believe nothing is going on with her and someone else. As I have stated in other posts I (as does my wife) have access to facebook, email, computer, phone, work spaces,..... I do check occasionally.
> 
> Also, I often tell myself "wow Ive got a great life, beautiful & understanding wife, wonderful kids. This just too good to be true *something is going to go wrong*" I have no idea why but this is always how Ive been.


I've said this earlier. Ask your wife to stop seeing this colleague. Have you done this already? If so, what was her response?



suspiciousOfPeople said:


> The boundary was not an unspoken boundary. She knows it makes me uncomfortable.


And what was her response to your concerns? Did she acknowledge you and said she would comply with your request or did she blow you off? Also, are you comfortable going to the other man and speaking with him and asking him to not meet with your wife for lunch any more. Please tell us.


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## suspiciousOfPeople (Sep 5, 2012)

Toffer said:


> *
> By the way, if she broke a SPOKEN boundary, I would be suspicious too!*


Hence the reason why I bought the spy camera. She has since eleviated my suspicions. I have gone through her emails and browser history. Again she is not hiding anything. I even spent an hour at her office and I did not see anything suspicious. 

Ive got lots of free time on my hands as a result I am bored. Therefore I found a place where I am not so bored. Im actually going to seek counceling about my anxiety.


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## suspiciousOfPeople (Sep 5, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> I've said this earlier. Ask your wife to stop seeing this colleague. Have you done this already? If so, what was her response?
> 
> 
> And what was her response to your concerns? Did she acknowledge you and said she would comply with your request or did she blow you off? Also, are you comfortable going to the other man and speaking with him and asking him to not meet with your wife for lunch any more. Please tell us.


My only issue was her being alone with a male. Thats it. Nothing more. She will not be alone with a male anymore.

The other guy is VERY aware of where I stand as do many of her other coworkers. See we once had a party and my wife (and others) was gossiping about a particular coworker that everyone knew was cheating (well sort of they were seperated) on her hubby (we will call him Bill). I flat out said to everyone (in front of about a dozen people) there that if I was Bill and I knew my wife was f'n around Id show up with a bat and break his knees then I might do the same to my wife. I think that this shocked everyone. Yes I was grilled about going to jail and everything else. My response is I DONT CARE.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

suspiciousOfPeople said:


> My only issue was her being alone with a male. Thats it. Nothing more. She will not be alone with a male anymore.


OK. Has she agreed to that or is that what you think will happen. If she agreed with you then give it a rest. Be vigilant, but calm down. What your posting here doesn't sound healthy to me.



suspiciousOfPeople said:


> The other guy is VERY aware of where I stand as do many of her other coworkers. ... I flat out said everyone (in front of about a dozen people) there that if I was Bill and I knew my wife was f'n around Id show up with a bat and break his knees then I might do the same to my wife. I think that this shocked everyone.


OK, I'll be honest with you, this is something I might consider doing too and maybe even actually do it (growing up where I did this was common place). However I would never say it in this day and age .... or even post it for that matter. What was the reaction. What was your wife's reaction.


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