# Esther Perel: The secret to desire in a long-term relationship



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Esther Perel give a Ted Talk on how to keep it hot in any LTR/Marriage.

Entertaining and enlightening.

"Sex isn't something you do, it's a place you go"

Good stuff



> In long-term relationships, we often expect our beloved to be both best friend and erotic partner. But as Esther Perel argues, good and committed sex draws on two conflicting needs: our need for security and our need for surprise. So how do you sustain desire? With wit and eloquence, Perel lets us in on the mystery of erotic intelligence.
> Esther Perel: The secret to desire in a long-term relationship | Video on TED.com


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I have her book...Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence: 

That was the 1st I ever heard her speak...it was very good :smthumbup:... but yet... I remember starting to read that book 3 + yrs ago now....and thinking to myself... "well we ought to be bored out of our minds !!!" (but we weren't)....with what she was saying.....because we have always always always had the higher dose of belonging /love/comfort/security ~ "best friends" thing going on.. 

Yet... I can't say when we had sex all these years, we ever felt BORED with it... once we got to it.. it was highly passionate like we were dying for it (even it if was vanilla)...it was EROTIC to us !! 

Though...had we been more Creative with purposely trying to UP the Novelty, new places, new positions, more overt flirting, Hot lingerie/ teasing, adding some adventure....no doubt we would have been having A LOT more ... so in that vein - I'd have to agree with her... 

Though we still wouldn't choose to start spending Less time with each other (less bonding) to UP this "EROTIC desire"...

We are both "time" & "touch" & fools for the sensual side of the Romantic in Love making......I think we're screwed... I guess....so long as the passion is flowing... this works for us. 
It's excitement enough.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Thanks for the book recommendation SA. 
I just downloaded it (Almost forgot to choose which device to send it to and my daughters iPod was default That would've caused some hilarity around here.)

I never heard of her before and just stumbled across the video.

I don't agree with everything she said and my wife and I are like you as far as the spending time apart thing.
I do understand where she's coming from due to other relationships I've had in the past that might have improved if I had tried it.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

I have read her book Mating in Captivity and wasn't that impressed. Don't get me wrong, it had some very good insights and ideas, but....

However........just saw the following TED talk she did on Infidelity and I think that she knocked a home run out of the park, especially with her ending.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P2AUat93a8Q


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There is another thread right now on this exact topic

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...090-secret-desire-long-term-relationship.html


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