# How to move past regret from divorce?



## sara_b (Apr 29, 2014)

Hi Everyone, 

I'm going to try and not bore you with all the details, but suffice it to say I cannot get past the regret of my divorce. The divorce was finalized over a year ago and we have been separated for over two years. I'm still young - turning 31 this year - which also brings up issues of being a failure, if I'll ever get married again, have children, etc. 

While in the marriage, I couldn't think of anything "good" about my partner. He tended to being rather angry and didn't really trust people, but we had a nice home and didn't really fight. We didn't communicate all of that much and I felt ignored/taken for granted (don't most people at some point?) after 7 years of being together, but he really was a decent guy. 

Instead of communicating to him that things felt stale, I instead invested in emotional relationships with other men - men who were AWFUL for me and knew all of the right things to say but of course would never actually be good guys. We got separated, I had sex with other men while separated. As you can imagine, my husband had enough. He stuck around and tried to give me the benefit of the doubt longer than most. 

We tried counseling, but the counselor actually pushed me out the door more than helped the marriage. I was hanging out with a lot of single women at the time that made me "envy" the single life (and go figure - they are married now and nowhere in sight). Hindsight really is always 20/20. 

At this point - I'm full of regrets. My "grass is greener" mentality is not the case. I've gone on a lot of 1st and 2nd dates, but I'm finding that a lot of these people don't have their stuff together in their mid-30s, or we just aren't compatible long-term. The "men" who were chasing me while married are long gone and honestly - good riddance (they really were not good people). 

How do I move forward? I have so much anger towards myself and regret. I can't keep looking backwards and living this way - it's not really "living."


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

call him and apoligise!

start working out and don't put so much emphisis on finding someone. Thats when someone will pop up.

learn from your mistakes set your standard and be reasonable.

good luck.


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## TurtleRun (Oct 18, 2013)

While in marriage you can't think of anything good about your partner but he was a decent guy ? Did he also cheat ? If not I think him not breaking your marriage vows and then actually trying to counselling after you cheated says he has a lot of good qualities. Him not trusting other people? I wonder why.... I think you can put him above being decent with the information you have shared so far. 

You got everything you wanted and now you have regrets and are angry at yourself.

What exactly are you regretting? That you cheated ? That life wasn't as great as you thought it was going to be ? And why are you angry ?


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## Piggy (Apr 24, 2014)

Is he dating again? I hope you not going back to him just because you lonely


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It's going to take time.

It's good that you recognize and own the things that you did--that is paramount in the healing process.

Are you romanticizing your past with him now that you are single and only remembering good times? Sometimes that happens, especially if you have not moved "on" from the relationship. If not, then in the future, do not be so quick to call it quits on a relationship that is decent.

All you can do is learn from your past and strive for a better future.

There is no magic pill that you take where you automatically start feelings better.

So work through your feelings, reflect on what happened, try not to repeat the same things in the future and learn from this.


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## sara_b (Apr 29, 2014)

Yes - he is dating. Through mutual friends I think it's rather serious, and I suspect he is engaged or will be shortly. 

I have apologized. Long-winded apologies that no one ever deserves that type of treatment. But beyond that - he deserves better and the "right" thing to do is leave him alone. He deserves that. That's the least I can do at this point. 

The him not trusting people - he could be rather angry/cheap. He always saw the worst in people and that was a bit of a kill joy. This was before any craziness went down on my part. I know I only made the situation worse.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

sara_b said:


> He always saw the worst in people and that was a bit of a kill joy.


I had an ex like that. It's not fun.

Get busy, get hobbies, travel, do something you've always wanted to do but haven't, visit friends/family/, exercise, surround yourself with a good support group, buy new underwear.


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## sara_b (Apr 29, 2014)

Jellybeans - you seem to be very wise. You hit the nail on the head. 

The problem was I also ended a subsequent relationship with an amazing guy (on the fence about having more children), when I wasn't getting answers because he never thought he would be in the situation of having to think about children again. 

I clearly suck at this communication stuff and have a lot to work on.... 

Yes. I do realize I have a lot of things I need to start switching up in my life. I signed up to start volunteering at an animal shelter. Playing with adorable animals and helping them find a home (I have a cat of my own) is a step in the right direction. I need to find out what I'm passionate about and go from there.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

You are too hard on yourself OP.

You need to forgive yourself and finish up healing. As long as you learned the lessons, that's all that matters.

In the next relationship, make sure communication is happening (this is very important). Also don't put yourself into situations that might get you in trouble (hanging out with single women is one of them....). You teased yourself and eventually felt for it.

Remember, when you are around someone or something long enough you naturally WILL become like them in some way/shape or form. Just how human beings work (no matter how much of a leader one might be).

Good luck


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

Work on yourself. If you need to, get some counseling and work it out.

Happiness comes from within - not by others.

Figure out what makes you tick and what makes you happy and the kinds of things YOU want from this life.

Once you are at peace with yourself and happy about the life you've made for yourself - then it might surprise you all the new friends and potential mates you will meet. AND you will be ready to make good choices.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Thanks, SaraB. I can relate to you because I have been there/done that with the divorce and we're in the same age bracket.

If you know communication is not your strong suit, then work on it. Have you considered any individual counselling? Or just being single? May be good to spend some time alone to really process the divorce and subsequent break up. Sometimes time alone is key.


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## EasyPartner (Apr 7, 2014)

sara_b said:


> Yes - he is dating. Through mutual friends I think it's rather serious, and I suspect he is engaged or will be shortly.
> 
> I have apologized. Long-winded apologies that no one ever deserves that type of treatment. But beyond that - he deserves better and the "right" thing to do is leave him alone. He deserves that. That's the least I can do at this point.


As for your coping problems, I think Jellybeans gave you solid advice already. You def want some new underwear 

Your story is interesting though. Rare to hear about a WAW who regrets her decision and is actually honest about it.

Timing is interesting too... it seems like, given the opportunity, you would like to work it out with him (?) BUT now he's dating and it looks like it's serious. 

Or is it BECAUSE he's dating that he suddenly _appears_ more attractive in your eyes? 

I mean, he still the same guy you left tho years ago, you know. You left him for a reason.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

EasyPartner said:


> As for your coping problems, I think Jellybeans gave you solid advice already. You def want some new underwear


New underwear really do give you a whole new perspective/new leash on life. 



EasyPartner said:


> You left him for a reason.


:iagree:

It's easy to forget the Why's when you haven't fully processed it. But you can't get caught up in that, Sara. You have to focus on the WHY you left and what you can do better next time.


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

lol, you said leash, not lease


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Hahaha. And I am not editing it either!


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## sara_b (Apr 29, 2014)

Well - clearly confirmed I need new undies. HA! 

Thanks for a lot of solid advice. 

I'm in counseing again with a no-nonsense woman, which is what I need. I am a little gun-shy since I felt like I was kind of encouraged to leave my marriage with my last counselor. 

I did take several months "off" from dating. I started again about three months ago and it's been a challenge....there are some special people out there (trying online dating). 

But I agree I need to find a passion and go from there and work on myself. I think finding some new friends would also benefit me. 

I don't want my ex husband back. I am "forgetting" some of the issues we had and how I felt. But saying that - things weren't nearly as bad as I made them out to be in my head. 

Some days are just harder than others, and knowing I want the whole marriage, children, family, etc. - I'm putting a lot of stress on myself.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Sara, you're still young. 31 is still young. I met my wife when she was 28 and I was 33. We're going to have our 7th anniversary and have 2 wonderful kids now.

All I can say is 2 things. Don't search for Mr. Right/Marriage/Children. Just enjoy your life. I met my wife 3 months after she had "given up" on men dating and marriage etc. LOL. I'm not saying to do it because then magically it'll happen, (because then you never did it), but do it to let that burden go. 

Also when you do find yourself in a long term relationship, remember to look at your partner EVERY DAY and find something specific you value and appreciate. This is a critical exercise in having a great relationship.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Just about the kids thing, I had my first baby at 30, my last at 40 and one in between. You're only 31, don't worry that you're too old for babies.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP

I also find your post refreshing. Even if your X can't bring himself to forgive you (or not yet) for whatever betrayal was involved in your marriage.....you still realized that nothing stood in the way of you telling him you were sorry for what you did. That was a very important thing for you to do to move on.

IMO marriages remain salvagvable right up until someone brings a third person into the equation. When thAt happens the bitterness and resentment takes on new levels and there is often no turning back.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

You had no good thoughts while married to your husband, that tells me that all was not rosy. You mention he did not talk much and questioned if all men are like this. My first husband would not shut his mouth, he talked too much. I am wondering if your husband was meeting your emotional needs and the reason you started seeking other men was to get the emotional attention/support that you desired?

Do not beat yourself up. Learn and move on but I would not go back to this man. If apologizing would help relieve your guilt than do so.


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## Wolf9 (Apr 27, 2014)

It's part of nostalgia, Maybe your decision of divorce was correct but the way you handled it was wrong. Now that you have apologized to him, it's time to move forward.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

It is natural to look back at failed marriages with regret. Who couldn't have been a better spouse? I feel responsible for my marriage not succeeding. Many people are not 100% and it is a shame that you have to weed through them in the dating pool now.

Do you feel that you have to date below your expectations now because you are older?

Do you have a sport interest or hobby? If you get in really good shape, you'll gain self confidence.


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