# Divorce or not...help



## mama11 (Feb 15, 2011)

Hi...I have never blogged before so please excuse me but i am soo lost and frustrated any advice would help.

So from the beginning I am married and have a beautiful 2 yr old daughter my husband and i both love and cherish her dearly and my husband is a wonderful father to her but......... we have some problems. We have been married for 8.5 and together for 14. He used to be soo fun loving, outgoing and great but always when drinking drank too much so we have had our trials and tribulations when it comes to drinking, never abusive just annoying and verbally rude........so where we are at now last May he got a DUII and we are still dealing with it. It has been soo long we have put our lives on hold and I am soo tired of it. He is still drinking and is soo stressed out from the court case it is miserable. Then last night i see his phone and he has contacted a old friend from high school (platonic girl from the past) not sure what to think about it.... There is soo much more but i am just wondering when to say when. I am a very happy person in general I have great friends and family but he is the only one that ever brings me down. When we are good were GREAT but when were off we're OFF! What to do, how do you know when to say when???


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Well, I wish I could give you some hope here. I am in a similar situation except that my husband hasn't contacted any old girlfriends. He accuses me of that. I made the mistake of talking to an old friend/lover about my husband and I..BIG mistake. He considered that a major betrayal and went ballistic. 

My husband was the same..fun loving and we had a fairly good life together. Was it perfect? No, but we seemed to be doing well and were good friends and lovers. Then the drinking started and it spiraled downhill. No DUIs but there were other issues. 

The only way it ended was for us to separate. He lives in his deceased father's house and I moved into an apartment with my two kids. It's lessened the stress considerably. I'm still trying to deal with the fact that our relationship has changed. I've pretty much given up trying to change him, to get him to help himself. I've come to the conclusion that I have to live my own life and let him deal with his. Hassling, nagging, begging, pleading and trying to live the life we had before didn't work. 

So I'm friendly, cordial and as loving as I can be. I try and treat him as a friend. He sees our son and I encourage this. He supports me financially, which I appreciate. I think we're at a neutral point now. Right now we both seem to prefer having our own space. Neither of us are filing for divorce. I'm content to live as we are and wait and see what happens. 

You need consider your options. Until your husband decides to help himself you can't help him. It's the nature of the disease. If you are considering divorce you might try separation first and see how that works. It might snap him back to reality but regardless, it'll give you the breathing room that you need to sort things out. Learning to live and survive on your own is a useful tool that separation will allow you to do.


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## mama11 (Feb 15, 2011)

Thank you, I really appreciate your insight. I am just soo angry he has put our life on hold for soo long, we have definently been growning apart in our likes and dislikes, we're not even really talking or sleeping in the same bed. I am not sure i can get over this or not. The problem is in the past things go wrong we stay mad for a while and then we make up and everythings fine until he messes up AGAIN, this is the cycle i've lived with for the past 14 yers. I feel stupid for continuing to deal with it. My parents are still together and have a great marriage and i always assumed i would be the same, i feel a fool.
His court case is next week to see if he really gets the DUI charge or not so i think the anticipation of that is killing us. I don't know what to do with the fact that i have lost SO much respect for him, i don't trust him and am soo dissapointed in him, not sure if that is changable or not.

I do agree to seperate would be good but financially that would be tight, doable but tight and he doesnt seem eager to leave either which would be hard. I don't feel that my daughter and i should leave, she needs consistancy in her life. 
I appreciate your reply and hope things go well for you.


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## lost in texas (Feb 19, 2011)

I am a father that you are probably talking about. I have 3 lovely children that I would do anything for. However, I thought I did enough around the house. I wash my own clothes, cook when I am home, do the grocery shopping, etc. I am a high school coach in TEXAS and spend a lot of time away from the house. It seems like when I am here she does nothing. Like I owe her something for being gone during football season. I bathe the kids, make lunches, and make sure they are ready for school in the morning, because she said "You need to help me in the mornings". I GUESS THAT IS NOT ENOUGH. I have a few beers in the evening and on the weekends. I do not go to bars, out with friend or participate in any hobbies because I feel the pressure to be home. 

I am still in the wrong


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## Maria9938 (Feb 22, 2011)

Well that's me too but just 5 years in.
Even after 2 court cases -not guilty - an ankle bracelet, random drug tests, and a suspended driver's license...

He put his alcohol in a coke can and got in the car with it.

If you are still waiting, then I probably will be waiting just as long.


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