# Lonely in my marriage



## pumpkinpatch73 (Apr 6, 2009)

Hello! I found this forum today and it looks like a good one so I thought I would join and post. It would be nice to have someone to talk to that I can TALK to. 

I am so lonely in my marriage. I could sit and type it all out but don't even know how much you'd want to even hear! 

LONG story made short is that I've been married since 2001 and since we got married my husband lied to me about smoking and dipping for at least 5 years. Supposedly he's not doing it now but with all the lies - I don't know that I'll ever believe him or trust him again. During the lying days I think he destroyed a lot more than just the trust about THAT..... 

We've got three kids and they keep us busy, but we've always been able to reconnect when we go on a cruise vacation or something of the sorts. For the past two cruises (about a year now) we don't even reconnect on vacation. We fight about everything (both at home AND on vacation) and our fights are about petty things. 

I'm just lonely. Anyone else out there feel this way?


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## 13years (Apr 6, 2009)

Hello.... I am sorry for you but you are not alone. I have been married for 13 years. Today is my anniversary but do not feel like celebrating.

We just got back from vacation and did reconnect until the day we got back an I found a bill from Jared's for over $800. He said he bought cufflinks. Does he really think I am that stupid? OK, don't answer that.


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## pumpkinpatch73 (Apr 6, 2009)

Well Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry you don't feel like celebrating. 

Has the anniversary even been acknowledged in your relationship? It sounds like the "cufflinks" are a gift for you, but it stinks that he couldn't have made it a better surprise and not lied to you.

Thanks for the kind words of support.


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## matt (Apr 2, 2009)

Marriage is work and sometimes we disappoint each other. I know I am going through issues in my own marriage right now. All I can tell is that sometimes you have to step back and relook your priorities. It is easy to get caught up in the act of day to day living (paying bills, work, school, kids) sometimes you need to step back and say I appreciate you and enjoy having you as my spouse. Talk to him and let him know how you feel about his lying not just his smoking and dipping. If he decides to quit support him however he needs. If he doesn't you need to decide if it is worth it to possible loose your marriage over. Do not hint how you are feeling to him tell him straight out, we men don't do hints very well.


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## 13years (Apr 6, 2009)

I got roses and a card asking that we use today "our anniversary" to put the past behind us and work on rebuilding our relationship. The bill was most definitely not from a gift for me. My husband has financial issues. 2 years ago he rang up over $20 K in credit card bills which we almost divorced over, now just last week I found this bill and learned he has been bouncing checks, again.

Do you have date night? I would recommend that for you.


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## pumpkinpatch73 (Apr 6, 2009)

matt said:


> Marriage is work and sometimes we disappoint each other. I know I am going through issues in my own marriage right now. All I can tell is that sometimes you have to step back and relook your priorities. It is easy to get caught up in the act of day to day living (paying bills, work, school, kids) sometimes you need to step back and say I appreciate you and enjoy having you as my spouse. Talk to him and let him know how you feel about his lying not just his smoking and dipping. If he decides to quit support him however he needs. If he doesn't you need to decide if it is worth it to possible loose your marriage over. Do not hint how you are feeling to him tell him straight out, we men don't do hints very well.


Well, I do believe that he has quit all of that for years now. I ASSUME (he's not smoking or anything now...) but who knows. That's not really our problem. I think that the lack of trust stems from that and all the dishonesty sort of killed what emotions I had. It's hard to live with someone you don't know if you can believe. 

I've tried talking to him and I've told him point blank about things and even told him point blank what I needed from him. In turn I also asked him what he needed from me. His response was affection (I am not affectionate anymore) and RAOK's. When I read the RAOK part of things it struck a nerve with me. We have three kids and I've given the RAOK many many many times of letting him sleep in on the weekend mornings. The kids (ranging between 1 and 5) wake up at the crack of dawn and I would get up with them and I've let him sleep in for a couple of hours. The following weekend I asked him if I got to sleep in and he'd get up and he says yes, but then he just lays there. Eventually the kids just go wild and I can't go back to sleep and end up getting up. He just lays there. Ignoring it? He's a great father, but he likes his sleep. So when he mentioned RAOK that came to mind and this has happened so many times its an extreme sore spot. 

I feel like he's more out for himself than making this equal/fair/joint. Whatever word you want to use. 

The kids are all young, so that's an added stress. There are alot of household chores that I have zero help with and he admits that he doesn't do his share. Then he goes outside to wash the vehicles, mow the grass or whatever. I am always the "babysitter." 

I love my kids dearly, but I just don't feel there's any "fairness" in this and I just feel taken advantage of in so many ways. (Not talking sexual here.)

I'm rambling.....sorry! 

I guess my short answer (too late!) is that I have told him exactly what I needed or wanted and it turned sour real quick when he mentioned the RAOK thing.


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## pumpkinpatch73 (Apr 6, 2009)

13years said:


> I got roses and a card asking that we use today "our anniversary" to put the past behind us and work on rebuilding our relationship. The bill was most definitely not from a gift for me. My husband has financial issues. 2 years ago he rang up over $20 K in credit card bills which we almost divorced over, now just last week I found this bill and learned he has been bouncing checks, again.
> 
> Do you have date night? I would recommend that for you.


Ouch.....
Any clue WHAT the $800 could be a purchase of/for? 
I wish I knew what to tell you about everything you've just found out. 

Date night? We don't have a date night very often because our babysitter can't watch them on the weekends very often. When we do have date nights there's no "spark" there. Just like going out to dinner and a movie - just no kids with us. He's told me he doesn't know how to be romantic and apologizes for that. I've given him suggestions of things to do but he doesn't do them.

Any suggestions that I can give him that you can think of?

Thanks!


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## djl (Mar 29, 2009)

Hi Pumpkin - 

I just joined the forum due to what I'd term an emotional separation from my wife and I think she's felt lonely for quite a while within our marriage. 
I am very out going but I isolate within the marriage from an emotional standpoint. My wife and I are best friends but I have spent much time out of touch with her. It has hurt our relationship quite a bit and I've been in a state of denial over it for a long time. 
I would suggest confronting your guy with how you feel and not asking but telling him that you need to get into a counseling program for couples to try to come to terms with what sounds like emotional separateness (and more) at this point. 
I know that the love I have for my wife is stronger than the 'need' I have to isolate from her and we are working together to try and change our interactions to a more positive way of being.
Hope this helps some.

Regards
djl


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

pumpkinpatch73 said:


> When we do have date nights there's no "spark" there. Just like going out to dinner and a movie - just no kids with us. He's told me he doesn't know how to be romantic and apologizes for that.


Try planning the dates on your own. Dinner and a movie are pretty standard and the movie doesn’t allow for much interaction. Try setting up a date for something he likes to kind of show him the way. Go have fun together and enjoy each other’s company just for grins. Go bowling, miniature golfing, catch a comedy club… Every date doesn’t have to be romantic. Mix it up for him so he’s not thinking one dimensionally. Just because he claims ignorance in the romance department doesn’t mean he can’t improve.


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## 13years (Apr 6, 2009)

I have the same problem. My husband also says he is just not romantic. Unless I come up with the plan for what we are going to do we simply don't do anything and then if I do he say's I control everything. I can't win. 

You could try doing a late night romantic candlelight dinner at home after the kids go to bed. The only downside is if he does not reciprocate it can feel even more lonely than you already do. 

Do you do vacation ever without the kids? Can parents help? Maybe a weekend away just the two of you.


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