# He Refuses Seperation- Help!



## summerB (Aug 31, 2011)

A week and three days ago I told my husband that I don't want to be married to him anymore and I don't want to live with him anymore. Our marriage has been in shambles for more than a year with unsuccessful marriage counseling. 

I told him my reasons for wanting the seperation and he refuses to accept or allow a seperation under the circumstances. He says that I am basing my decision on our fighting and contention, not on what our marriage could be. He thinks that I am making an impulsive and not-thought-out decision. He continued that if we seperated his father (who is a kind and wonderful person and with whom I get along well) would no longer be a "surrogate grandfather" to me, that he (my husband) would not allow himself to be financially screwed (I wanted to trade my equity in our home for my portion of the marital debt because I can't get approved for a mortgage or apt with the current mortgage on my credit), and that he refuses to "support my lifestyle" were we to seperate. He also became very negative when discussing the custody of our 2.5 yr old daughter and basically stated that there was no custody arrangement that we could make that wouldn't result in her being completely ruined as a person. I told him that the custody arrangement would only be as negative or positive as we make it and that he needs to start thinking of ways to make it positive. Plus, I provide ~90% of the care for our daughter and the thought of joint custody during separation is crazy when he doesn't provide joint care when he lives with her. 

What's crazier, is that after all this criticism and banter meant to show how hard he would make separating, he came back and said that he has had an internal change and realizes how his behavior has contributed to my wanting to leave. The conversation ended with him promising to see an IC and finding a new marriage counselor (he has done neither). I told him I would give it time, but a week later my feelings have not changed.

Since we talked, he has become super husband and super dad spending time with us, joining us for meals and walks, sitting in on bath time, asking if he can help, doing house work. I am so confused and pissed because I feel like he is trying to manipulate me into staying through superficial actions. I mean, if it is so easy to co-parent, why not do it all the time rather than only when the relationship is on the line? If he is capable of being a nice human being, why only now? It is both surreal and creepy to have him be so nice and non-combative. He is talking about plans for future holidays, building a house together, taking trips. From my perspective, our relationship is tentative at best and hostile at worst. 

I talked to my IC about the situation and she advised to give it 6 weeks, see if he keeps up his promise of counseling, and see if he can maintain what I feel is a front of cooperation and support. 

What scares me the most, is despite his apparent personality change, my feelings are unchanged. I still feel trapped, unappreciated, misunderstood, manipulated and unhappy with a person who I do not love anymore. 

If in 6 weeks I tell him I still want to seperate and he refuses, what do I do? I met with a mediator before I confronted him with the separation and was advised to not move out or change anything financial etc. lest I be accused of abandonment. But if he won't mediate, collaborate or discuss a separation how do we make a custody agreement? How do we determine who pays debt? In my state, you have to be legally separated for a year before you can divorce and separation doesn't start until someone moves out. 

I feel so trapped and I don't know what to do. I will not move out and leave my daughter. What are my options?


----------



## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I think you need to talk to a lawyer. 

I think you would have to file (for separation or divorce) and have the debt and custody arrangements all drawn up in the filing. My guess, is he would have a certain amount of time to respond. 

If he won't agree, then the courts will have to decided.

I wish you the best. I hate to hear that a family with children is being destroyed. I would rather hear that you are giving your husband a chance to prove that he is changing. What I am hearing is that you no longer love him and it doesn't matter what he does.


----------



## summerB (Aug 31, 2011)

Thank you for your response. I need to research and see if in my state a lawyer can compel a separation agreement. All I know is that there is no law requiring a separation agreement. 

I am doing my best to open myself emotionally and give him a chance, which is why I agreed to give it some time. There is so much water under the bridge that it is hard for me to relax and accept this new behavior without a large amount of skepticism. He has done a lot to damage my self esteem, isolate me from family and friends and second guess my relationship with my daughter (i.e. breastfeeding fosters negative codependence). I do not love him right now, but I loved him once and I believe that I could again if I felt I was emotionally safe in our relationship. I am trying.


----------



## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

summerB said:


> (i.e. breastfeeding fosters negative codependence)


OK. I have to ask. What the heck is his argument for this? Was the entire world population a victim of negative codependence before Similac? There are many benefits of breast feeding.

Maybe your leaving was a wake-up call for him. Maybe it opened his eyes to the fact he could lose you. Often, wayward spouses decide they want the marriage when their spouse finally files for divorce. He could be genuine. Like the faithful spouse has to decide for themselves whether it is "too little, too late", you have to decide this for yourself. I would be inclined to give it some time to see if his actions continue.


----------

