# can we add toys in our marriage instead of other people and still be satisfied



## xsgandyx (Apr 6, 2015)

ok, early in our marriage we tried ffm which kinda did my head in a bit after a while, then we tried mffm on couple occations, not very successfully.. the first time my h was too nervous to participate fully and the second time when my H tried mm the other f got very weird.. and it kinda fizzled out...the other m got a little obsessive over me..which didnt help my h ... we decided together that perhaps opening pandoras box was not such a good idea if we both were not obtaining what we actually wanted out of it... he did voice his dissapointment in not getting to try mm when i had gotten to try ff... 
after the next few years h not only kept in contact with the other mf couple, he was hoping that id change my mind..and meet up with them again... this caused much anger and anguish as i thought i made it pretty clear that i wanted it to be just me and him in our sexual life from here on...otherwise he could leave and find what he needed... he promised i was enough and that he wouldnt look elsewhere
over the next few years he constantly was caught out trying to fullfill his desire to try mm. that he joined dating sights as a married man, and then just as a bi curious ... chatting to couples..i always found out by accident..i was never looking for it. as i thought we were fine, our sex life seemed great..so 
this guttered me... over and over finding that he was still looking to try this .even if it meant without me. all the lies and deception...in my eyes he cheated on me with them. sending pics etc and talking about god knows what.he says he never actually met anyone in person. 
im trying to get over it all..and so my question to men out there is.. will toys be enough to fullfill the feelings that he wants..
we have tried couple times with a strap on.. and he seemed to enjoy it.. as did i... being the dom i guess..
im scared that ive just opened pandoras box again. and that instead of him feeling it with toys, that he will try again to look for the real deal... he says he will never ever ever ever do that to me again. and that i am enough..
we are three weeks into our new life... with his new promises..as i asked him to take off his wedding ring and go get what he wanted..he assured me that he wants this last chance to prove to me that we can experience it all..just him and i...
I JUST WANT TO BE ENOUGH... im willing to try just about anything in the bedroom. im far from a prude... he says he was worried how i would react to using toys on him...:scratchhead:
males input on this would help... males point of view.. is it the same feeling or will he try for the real deal..


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I'm not exactly sure what your actual question is.

How can you ensure his fidelity to you? You can't. Not really.

Are his desires to try M/M sex going to go away? Probably not.

Can you meet his desires for M/M sex with a strap on? No. He has to be honest about what it is he actually desires. Does he want a man or does he want his ass penetrated? Based on what you've said, he wants to have every experience he can and was going behind your back to have it. So ask yourself just how selfish he is. When you get married there is an assumption that you both will be faithful and his definition of faithful seems to be very different from yours.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Your post is a bit difficult to parse, let me see if I can suggest something. 

It all depends on the person, sexual interests have all sorts of variation. I think it is very possible that he will be completely satisfied by you using toys on him - in fact it maybe even more what he wanted then other men. It may well be the sensations, the dom/sub aspect that he wanted all along.

So if this sort of play doesn't bother you (and it sounds like it doesn't) then continue it and give him the benefit of the doubt. You may be absolutely everything he wants.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

xsgandyx said:


> ... he did voice his dissapointment in not getting to try mm when i had gotten to try ff...
> 
> ...i thought i made it pretty clear that i wanted it to be just me and him in our sexual life from here on...otherwise he could leave and find what he needed... he promised i was enough and that he wouldnt look elsewhere
> 
> ...


I am sorry for your anquish and confusion.

First I am not bi-curious and have only been with women, so I may not really be the person you want to talk to.

From what you have posted, it does sound like your H really is bi-curious and has been for a long time. That has to be both rough emotionally for you and a real STD health risk if he explores his curiousity.

The heart of your question is will strap-on play result in satisfying his curiosity or will it just encourage him to cheat on you with a man. That is something only your H can answer.

As to your question about his being worried about using toys and what you would think. I think that is proably a pretty natural response from your H. Most people have fantasies that if they were to express them would make them incredibly vulnerable. It takes a lot of trust to express one's deep hidden and taboo desires. 

My suggestion for you is to think about your alternatives. Will strapon play or role reversal games help your marriage? Hard to say, but I doubt that they will kill it, especially since you are saying you have already told him to go cheat and that you are just about emotionally through. 

Sit down with your H and ask him what it is that would fulfil him. Ask him what his image of a sexual fantasy is. Listen carefully and don't judge. Then thank him for the courage to express himself. Then talk to him about the parts of it that you would be willing to do and ask if you can discuss and explores the parts that you don't feel comfortable with to see if you can't find some alternatives or compromises which will allow both of you to enjoy exploring his sexuality and yours.

Good luck.


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## bubba29 (Feb 29, 2012)

xsgandyx said:


> ok, early in our marriage we tried ffm which kinda did my head in a bit after a while, then we tried mffm on couple occations, not very successfully.. the first time my h was too nervous to participate fully and the second time when my H tried mm the other f got very weird.. and it kinda fizzled out...the other m got a little obsessive over me..which didnt help my h ... we decided together that perhaps opening pandoras box was not such a good idea if we both were not obtaining what we actually wanted out of it... he did voice his dissapointment in not getting to try mm when i had gotten to try ff...
> after the next few years h not only kept in contact with the other mf couple, he was hoping that id change my mind..and meet up with them again... this caused much anger and anguish as i thought i made it pretty clear that i wanted it to be just me and him in our sexual life from here on...otherwise he could leave and find what he needed... he promised i was enough and that he wouldnt look elsewhere
> over the next few years he constantly was caught out trying to fullfill his desire to try mm. that he joined dating sights as a married man, and then just as a bi curious ... chatting to couples..i always found out by accident..i was never looking for it. as i thought we were fine, our sex life seemed great..so
> this guttered me... over and over finding that he was still looking to try this .even if it meant without me. all the lies and deception...in my eyes he cheated on me with them. sending pics etc and talking about god knows what.he says he never actually met anyone in person.
> ...


based on what you have written, i don't think the role play experience between you and your husband will be what he is looking for. seems like he really wants to have sex with men.


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## xsgandyx (Apr 6, 2015)

well we tried it..and both liked it a lot...
seems i really liked the dom play for a change..
he is worried that because he liked it...i might think less of him...
im not sure how to explain to him, that id not judge him, so long as he and i are ok with it..and its just him and i
i tried explaining to him that the male g spot is in there . and thats why he enjoys it... hell i enjoy it that way and i dont have prostate...
i guess im a little confused that he feels awkward.. id rather he felt that and did things with me..instead of ..in the past trying to look for that feeling with others..
im more convinced that he has not ever gone through with any of the other stuff in the past.. wish he would understand that just because he likes it there..dosnt mean he is bi or gay..
just means he likes it there... well so do i...


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## bubba29 (Feb 29, 2012)

xsgandyx said:


> well we tried it..and both liked it a lot...
> seems i really liked the dom play for a change..
> he is worried that because he liked it...i might think less of him...
> im not sure how to explain to him, that id not judge him, so long as he and i are ok with it..and its just him and i
> ...


what you did is called pegging. it isn't all that uncommon although people do not generally talk about it cuz of the stigma. incredible pleasure can be derived from stimulating the prostate. i'd say explore that together.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening xsgandyx
Maybe try to both think about it this way: Sex is "play" - its a game you both enjoy. What you do for play has nothing to do with real life. If he wants to be dominated in bed - that fine, and actually a very common "kink" for men. Its actually quite common for men who spend so much of their lives being "in charge" that they enjoy having someone take over for a while.

Many men do get pleasure from penetration - nothing to do with being bi.

He is still probably self conscious about it - for some reason men are very embarrassed by some types of sexuality. 

You enjoyed it. He enjoyed it. Great - have fun!




xsgandyx said:


> well we tried it..and both liked it a lot...
> seems i really liked the dom play for a change..
> he is worried that because he liked it...i might think less of him...
> im not sure how to explain to him, that id not judge him, so long as he and i are ok with it..and its just him and i
> ...


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

xsgandyx said:


> well we tried it..and both liked it a lot...
> seems i really liked the dom play for a change..
> 
> ...i guess im a little confused that he feels awkward.. id rather he felt that and did things with me..instead of ..in the past trying to look for that feeling with others..
> ...


If this is "his think/kink" and you are fine with it, then the two of you might want to explore the following website together.

Ruby Ryder's Pegging Paradise

Good luck and I am glad that you are certain your husband has not had any kind of bi-curious affair.


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## xsgandyx (Apr 6, 2015)

Young at Heart said:


> If this is "his think/kink" and you are fine with it, then the two of you might want to explore the following website together.
> 
> Ruby Ryder's Pegging Paradise
> 
> Good luck and I am glad that you are certain your husband has not had any kind of bi-curious affair.


thank you for this link.
gave us so much to read.. and understand that what he craves is normal.. 
we are exploring and enjoying.


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## xsgandyx (Apr 6, 2015)

Young at Heart said:


> If this is "his think/kink" and you are fine with it, then the two of you might want to explore the following website together.
> 
> Ruby Ryder's Pegging Paradise


thank you so much for the link.. my h and i went to this sight and it has taken the guilt away from him, of why he enjoys it so much, i think a part of him was questioning if he was maybe gay.(which i dont condone gay people at all, just glad my husband can be fullfilled by me)
. as ive read on many different posts...anal play is just anal play.. cant turn you gay. 
he has suggested we maybe give it another try tonight, we've even nicknamed the strap-on... 
personally i prefer him than the strap on, but asked if maybe for every time he gets anal, then the following time that we try anal its my turn..so the strap on will be only for him. an extension of me...hahaha
i only pray that i can fullfill all those feelings myself, and that he will stop looking elsewhere for this experience. so far so good.
weve opened up heaps and communicated on another level..
thank you to everyone for your comments and advise and links etc.  :smthumbup:


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## xsgandyx (Apr 6, 2015)

its been a while since i replied on here..
things have been going really well...
i was worried that we wouldnt have *normal sex but its not been like that
emotionally i feel like we are healing.. 
i occationally go quiet and he is more than happy to reassure me that he will never ever hurt me like that
he offers up his phone his lap top. i can see it in his eyes that he is being truthful this time
he does not get angry and defensive like he used to.
He knows that it may take me years to fully trust him..
and he blames himself and understands that it will take effort on his behalf to reassure me..

i so appreciate all the positive feedback on this subject...and ive spent a lot of time reading other peoples issues, finding in their anguish solutions to also help my situation...


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

xsgandyx said:


> ...i was worried that we wouldnt have *normal sex but its not been like that
> *emotionally i feel like we are healing..*
> 
> ....he knows that it may take me years to fully trust him..
> and he blames himself and understands that it will take effort on his behalf to reassure me.....


Congratulations on being brave, emotionally understanding and willing to try things that were meaningful to your H. 

He should cherish such a woman and I bet he does, based on the actions you attribute to him. He knows he is a luck guy. 

Good luck to you. I wish you happiness.


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