# I can't handle the guilt...



## b.m.frank (Mar 29, 2011)

I cheated on my bf of 2 years the other night. Heres some background;

He is 22, I'm 18, and we are madly in love. The first night we met was a 'booty call' but we haven't separated since. We've been through a lot, but we are starting to do well. We both have full time jobs with the same organization, we go to church every Sunday, and we are about to own our own mobile home. When we met how-ever, we were hard core partiers with no ambition. We still drink here and there, and party once in a while.

I am bi-sexual and he knows that. He has let me fool around with an ex-girlfriend who is still our mutual friend, and he has been ok with the idea of me messing around with other girlfriends since he can't give me all that a female can.

Well for the first time in 6 months, we spent a weekend apart. It was short notice, I went to a different state, he stayed here, it sounded just fine. 

I went out of state with an old friend and another female that I had been talking to. Her and I do not have an emotional connection, and she knows about my situation completely. We had both expressed interest in each other, but we decided there was no way I would be leaving my guy, so we would just be friends. Well the first night we hung out, we got drunk and messed around.

The issue is, she is a stud, and my guy doesn't feel comfortable with me messing with studs because they are too much like other men to him. In my eyes, I still see a female. 

So, I've never cheated and never thought I'd be in this situation, but I am. Obviously if I could do this and disrespect myself and my guy by doing that, I am not completely happy.

I just don't know if I should tell him. I don't know if he would be mad, or brush it off, or use it to help me improve our relationship, or he could completely leave me even after everything we've been through.

Our lives are so connected it would ruin us to separate and I don't want that, and I know he doesn't either. No matter what we will always love each other. But that doesn't mean he will stay with me after finding out. 

I'm so lost and confused. I know I'm young and he and I have acknowledged this, but by being in this relationship, I have ultimately said I am ready to settle down with him, and I feel like I am now. I know I don't want any one but him, and I was not satisfied by what I did. 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!


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## HungUp (Feb 26, 2011)

It sound to me like you need to get your own mind sorted before you get deeper into screwing every body else up that you start emotional bonds with.

Cheating is cheating, and just because it is with another girl doesn't make it alright.

Do him and every other bloke/girl a favour - don't have a relationship until you grow up a bit and are ready to commit to either one or the other.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

The guilt is a good thing cause it's a reminder that 1. you know what you did was wrong and 2. you feel bad for it. 

I say, tell him.

If he cheated, would you want him to lie to you by ommission, by not telling you?


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## b.m.frank (Mar 29, 2011)

HungUp said:


> It sound to me like you need to get your own mind sorted before you get deeper into screwing every body else up that you start emotional bonds with.
> 
> Cheating is cheating, and just because it is with another girl doesn't make it alright.
> 
> Do him and every other bloke/girl a favour - don't have a relationship until you grow up a bit and are ready to commit to either one or the other.


The issue with me 'growing up a bit' is that, if I decide to do a little maturing and soul searching he will forever be done with me. I have tried to take breaks before and he always says now and forever or never.It scares me because I love him to death, but I hate dealing with the resentment I have towards him for having more time to experiment then myself.

And I agree that it was cheating, but I know he would so much more comfortable with a female then a male. He knows I'm still exploring, and he's let me before, just never with a stud.


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## b.m.frank (Mar 29, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> The guilt is a good thing cause it's a reminder that 1. you know what you did was wrong and 2. you feel bad for it.
> 
> I say, tell him.
> 
> If he cheated, would you want him to lie to you by ommission, by not telling you?


I would be crushed and angry forever. But he and I are different in a lot of ways, and he deals with my mistakes fairly well, I just don't want to add more to his plate right now because we are just getting our lives started and things are rough already. 

I feel like a caged animal stuck in a responsible busy life, when I have yet to really live and have more experiences. I love him to death and I want to end up with him, I just worry that missing out will eat me alive.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

By you not telling him, your entire relationship is a lie. You have unilaterally decided your relationship's dynamic by not telling him. 

If he finds out on his own, it's going to be 100x worse. Believe that. 

In the end, your choice. 

You are saying you worry about missing out--that to me sounds like you know you don't really want to be in a relationship. If that is the case, let him go so he can find someone who really does want to be with him and so you can get to experience it is whatever you feel you are missing.


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## HungUp (Feb 26, 2011)

b.m.frank said:


> I feel like a caged animal stuck in a responsible busy life, when I have yet to really live and have more experiences. I love him to death and I want to end up with him, I just worry that missing out will eat me alive.


Just read what you have wrote - YOU are not ready for this, or any other relationship until you sort out this "worry"!

Do him a favour, sort your problems out BEFORE screwing him up further. If you have yet to "really live and have more experiences" then do it, but do it on your own - you have to mentally grow up (it's got nothing to do with your age or adult body).


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## b.m.frank (Mar 29, 2011)

HungUp said:


> Just read what you have wrote - YOU are not ready for this, or any other relationship until you sort out this "worry"!
> 
> Do him a favour, sort your problems out BEFORE screwing him up further. If you have yet to "really live and have more experiences" then do it, but do it on your own - you have to mentally grow up (it's got nothing to do with your age or adult body).


Well I also feel like this because he is trapping me into his life style now, and if I decide to get another job with some one else besides his boss, and get my own thing started, he'll always be upset inside, I know it. 

He always says, if you dont want to be there with me when things finally work out then I feel sorry for you. I feel like he thinks he is going to accomplish something great in life and I wont. It kills me a little inside when he says stuff like that because whether he knows it or not, he is making me feel like I'm just along for the ride. 

I want my OWN life even in a relationship. Everything I do is connected to him some how all of a sudden, and I don't feel like I can progress because I'm just walking in his footsteps.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

b.m.frank said:


> Well I also feel like this because he is trapping me into his life style now


Never blame someone for "trapping" you. You are an adult and have free will.


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## Orion (Jul 17, 2010)

b.m.frank said:


> I cheated on my bf of 2 years the other night. Heres some background;
> 
> He is 22, I'm 18, and we are madly in love. The first night we met was a 'booty call' but we haven't separated since. We've been through a lot, but we are starting to do well. We both have full time jobs with the same organization, we go to church every Sunday, and we are about to own our own mobile home. When we met how-ever, we were hard core partiers with no ambition. We still drink here and there, and party once in a while.
> 
> ...


It sounds like you want to spread your wings a little. IMO, you should tell him and allow yourself to be free. You are at the point in your life where you need to experience things and I believe that is what you want. Do the right thing and tell him, also explaining that you feel trapped. He might not like it but he will respect you for being real with him (even if it takes him a while). Good luck.


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