# Is this codependence?



## k.m (May 18, 2009)

I don't come here very often. We have good (relatively good, and then genuinely good) and, as I've done all my life, I neglect working on things that are not immediately broken. Dumb, because it just sends me into a tailspin when they ARE broken.

But today things are leaning toward a situation that I realize epitomizes how my relationship with my husband goes. I know that I have a part in this, but so does he. And I'm looking for feedback on both our parts.

He has a 70's era pinball machine that has sat in our basement for decades. He'd love to have it upstairs and working, but we have tiny house. I have convinced him (is that my first mistake?) to try to sell it - he likes having cash, and realizes (I think) that clutter sucks, in a tiny house.

He has spent a lot of effort getting it repair (it had stopped working). He bartered some work on a house for pinball repairs, from a guy about 20 miles away. He was fairly patient, finally got it back working. But, then, it stopped worked. He remained fairly patient until the guy came to our house to work on it again, and got it working again.

There's a pinball swap meet, today, about 50 miles away, where he hopes to sell it. He loaded the machine on the trailer, this a.m., only to discover it not working again. He's pretty p.o.'d. Fortunately, the repair guy is on the route to the swap meet, so he's driving it there in hopes of getting it working and going on to the swap meet.

Here is MY problem: I am a pessimist/awfulizer/fortune-teller. I envision the damned machine falling off the trailer (how many times can you move something that old without the odds working against you?). There's no reason for me to envision that, but I do.

And, when I envision that, I see what I fear most (I think?) in our relationship: IF something like that were to happen -- he is incapable of being upset about it for some time and then moving on. It will become the focus of our lives, how first I "forced" him to sell it and so am the reason that he was moving it back and forth on this trailer, and then how the repair guy didn't fix it and so is evil and owes him the value of the pinball machine, yada yada yada.

He WOULD react that way. That much I know. This would go on for years. He would either try to retaliate, or would try to go to court (with no real case, but that wouldn't stop him). He is a "victim," has severe "entitlement" issues, and thinks that the world 1) owes him things and 2) deliberately treats him badly. It's a weird combination, and one that's hard to live with when you're trying to improve yourself.

BUT - as I write this -- I realize that the ROOT of this problem is my anticipation of 1) the problem that may not occur and 2) his likely resulting reaction to a problem that may not occur.

So this is really me, but I would not have these worries if I did not know what his reaction would be. I've been with him decades. It's almost like PTSD (no offense to anyone with real PTSD - I know it's not really like actual PTSD). I'm not supposed to have anxiety over things that I only imagine may happen, but I'm so USED to them happening that I recoil at the possibility.

Almost every time I post, here, I end with -- "I just wanted to vent," and I'm saying that again. I felt compelled to write this down. If you do have any comments (please be kind - I already feel crappy enough about how messed up I am), I'll take 'em.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Individual sessions - quite important for you.

I doubt it should take very long to get to the bottom of it.

Internal Family Systems by Richard Schwartz is the best of the bunch.

Find an IFS certified counselor.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

His behavior is not normal and you take responsibility for his feelings--sounds pretty co-dependent to me. You live with someone who has borderline personality disorder, or narcisstic personality disorder, or something really out of whack, and you walk on eggshells, anticipating the next disaster. How could you NOT? 

People with anxiety disorders anticipate things that are unlikely to happen. In your situation, you have a very good reason to be anxious. The solution here is not to avoid anticipating the next fallout, it is to confront the fact that you are accepting the guilt, etc., he lays on you. Get some counseling and you will either learn to look at him and laugh when he tries to blame you for his own decisions, or you will decide to walk away. Either way, you will be happier.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

sisters359 said:


> His behavior is not normal and you take responsibility for his feelings--sounds pretty co-dependent to me. You live with someone who has borderline personality disorder, or narcisstic personality disorder, or something really out of whack, and you walk on eggshells, anticipating the next disaster. How could you NOT?
> 
> People with anxiety disorders anticipate things that are unlikely to happen. In your situation, you have a very good reason to be anxious. The solution here is not to avoid anticipating the next fallout, it is to confront the fact that you are accepting the guilt, etc., he lays on you. Get some counseling and you will either learn to look at him and laugh when he tries to blame you for his own decisions, or you will decide to walk away. Either way, you will be happier.


Exactly what I was going to say. Great post!


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## k.m (May 18, 2009)

Thanks, everyone. I actually did a few months (NOT enough) of independent counseling but, when I'm in counseling, I'm simply OVERWHELMED with how many changes I need/want to make to myself. And it's important to me to be as ME as I can be before I would think about leaving this marriage. Really, just OVERWHELMING how much work I need to do, on myself, with no clue where to start. And the counselor was way more focused on me getting him involved in improving our communication, which was important, but I needed to "clean up my act," I thought, before I involved him. I've tried counseling twice, in my life (both while with him), and both times were a bust. 

What I need is confidence, goals, and to determine what makes me happy and where I want to be. And, sadly, at my age, I have no idea.

And, in the end, he got his pinball machine fixed, went to the swap meet (didn't sell it), no problems with transporting it, came home in a fairly good mood. So I waste energy on worrying, in the end, for no reason. This time.


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