# Need man's point of view



## alg1216 (May 27, 2014)

I posted this in the "Ladies Lounge", but I would like some male advice too. (It's under, "The Giver").

Married: one year
Age: 24

I am naturally a giver, but in order to make a successful relationship, the partner needs to give too. My husband's job is stressful, and even though I have a full-time job too, I cook, clean, and take care of the dogs to make his life easier (he had gotten upset about the "chores" that need to be done, so he wanted to hire a maid...yeah right). Here are my issues...

1) I feel stupid around him. He's an extremely intelligent man who talks about philosophy, economics, sociology... unfortunately, I do not have the background in those fields, so I cannot always contribute to conversations. Or, I have to ask him to rephrase questions or comments several times in one conversation. I can tell he gets tired of it, and often he just says "nevermind" and walks away. I try and get him to keep up the subject, but it doesn't work. 
2) I found porn on the computer. I asked him about it, to which he replied "I like a variety of women. I watch porn because I think it's fun." Also, he says he fantasizes about other women and wonders what it would have been like if him and his ex-girlfriend worked out. Essentially, he still thinks and wonders about his "ex" (really just a summer fling). 
3) We had talked about having kids before we got married, and after, then he surprises me one day by saying he never wanted kids and I "misunderstood" him. 
4) He doesn't think I'm "authentic" or that I have any interests...which I do (painting, reading, movies, English, etc.). 

It's like he wants me to be him. But I'm not him. I constantly give and give and give. I am always the one to compromise. He gets tired of me compromising, but he doesn't really try to help the situation. I'm tired of feeling this way and I'm tired of the tears. I'm hurt, and I need some advice.


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## aaroncj (Nov 10, 2011)

I am sorry you're experiencing this kind of hurt and frustration in your marriage. Your husband sounds pretty self-centered and immature. Given everything you've shared, including the turnaround on wanting kids, I'd suggest that you should seriously consider ending this relationship. He didn't enter into it honestly and there is no shame in leaving someone who misled you that way. Better to leave now, while you're both young and before kids are in the picture.

If you do want to stay and try to make it work, you'll need to fight against your normal way of addressing issues. If you're a giver, your natural tendency will be to try to do something to "fix" the situation or make yourself different for him. Resist those urges. Instead, I'd recommend that you explore interests on your own. Invite him to join you, but if he doesn't, don't bring it up again and go on doing what you want to do.

I know you've had to simplify the situation for the forum, but as I read your post I was left wondering what it is about this man that you love. Take it from a man who has been in a 30+ year relationship with his wife that the dynamics of your relationship will ebb and flow over time, but at this point in your marriage you are laying a foundation that will strengthen your relationship in the decades that follow--or lead to resentments that will undermine intimacy. I wish you great luck in whatever path you choose.


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

He sounds like an egotistical jerk to be honest. He sure sounds like he doesnt think very highly of you and he sounds like he finds you to be "beneath him".

Sounds like also you are conforming to what you think he wants. Maybe he wants someone who does their own thing and doesnt apologize for doing it. Do you own thing to please you. Stop trying so hard to please him. I think that alone would help.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I think you probably are going to be much happier in the long run if you end this marriage. There are so many very big red flags in what you wrote. You are very unhappy with how much of a mis-match he has turned out to be.

I don't think you can change him into the kind of man you want to be married to. At his core he seems to be someone very different than you thought he was.


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## Qur (May 17, 2014)

_1) I feel stupid around him. He's an extremely intelligent man who talks about philosophy, economics, sociology... unfortunately, I do not have the background in those fields, so I cannot always contribute to conversations. Or, I have to ask him to rephrase questions or comments several times in one conversation. I can tell he gets tired of it, and often he just says "nevermind" and walks away. I try and get him to keep up the subject, but it doesn't work._

It’s a character flaw that he gets impatient and frustrated with you when conversing subject matters that HE is strong in. If we are better at something than, say, our spouse, we can choose to help them develop in that area, or we can choose to make them feel inadequate, weak, incompetent (among other things). He is doing the latter. He should appreciate that you desire to engage him in such conversations. And, the more patient he is with you, the less he will have to rephrase or reframe his comments or questions in the future. Unfortunately with some people, arrogance usually accompanies their strengths.


2) _I found porn on the computer. I asked him about it, to which he replied "I like a variety of women. I watch porn because I think it's fun." Also, he says he fantasizes about other women and wonders what it would have been like if him and his ex-girlfriend worked out. Essentially, he still thinks and wonders about his "ex" (really just a summer fling). _

So is your issue the porn on the computer, his fantasies, or both?

3) _We had talked about having kids before we got married, and after, then he surprises me one day by saying he never wanted kids and I "misunderstood" him._ 

This issue should have been fully understood on both sides prior to marriage. No room for being misunderstood.

4) _He doesn't think I'm "authentic" or that I have any interests...which I do (painting, reading, movies, English, etc.)._

This is another example of arrogance. It’s not that he thinks you do not have any interest, it’s that he does not hold them in the same esteem as his own interest. 

_It's like he wants me to be him. But I'm not him. I constantly give and give and give. I am always the one to compromise. He gets tired of me compromising, but he doesn't really try to help the situation. I'm tired of feeling this way and I'm tired of the tears. I'm hurt, and I need some advice._

When I was in my 20’s, I thought I wanted my lady to be “just like me”. But now, I know that I wouldn’t be attracted to a female version of myself. My mind thought so, but when I dated a woman “just like me”, she simply wasn’t an energetic match for me. I had to realized what I valued most in my woman. For me, it’s radiance, light, beauty, sexiness, emotionality, ect… Your husband married you because of all the qualities that attracted him to you. He needs to remember those qualities.


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## maverick23 (May 2, 2014)

I think you should drop the hammer and threaten to leave as you are legitimately unhappy. Giving him the benefit of the doubt for the sake of problem solving, this will hopefully draw out what he appreciates about you and be a severe reality check for him that could bring some equity to your marriage.

I'd venture to guess if he spends some time reflecting, which intellectuals love to do, he will find that you complement him well and you each may have a lot to teach each other.

Re: the kid thing, that bears a more intentional investigation. Do the above first, then revisit the discussion. WHY were you guys not on the same page? WHY does he now adamantly not want kids? If he was truly confident and grounded in his position of no kids, it would have surfaced long ago.


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## Aspydad (Oct 17, 2013)

alg1216 said:


> I posted this in the "Ladies Lounge", but I would like some male advice too. (It's under, "The Giver").
> 
> Married: one year
> Age: 24
> ...


1. You husband is extremely intelligent. There are different types of intelligence – if you talking about book smart, I will take your word for it. What you did not mention is personal intelligence which has to do with interacting with people – from what I see from your post – he has the personal intelligence of a 4 year old – I am not joking – the way he acts towards his wife is exactly the behavior you get from someone under five – so don’t be too proud of your husband’s overall intelligence.

2. Porn on Computer - lusts for old girlfriend - See #1 above – if you were trying to insult or drive away your wife – this is what you would say. If my wife ever said this to me the first year of marriage – I would be gone!

3. Your husband is also dishonest and a manipulator. Why would you put up with this? What do you see positive about your husband? Just this alone should push you out – do you not want to ever have children?

4. Your husband says you’re not authentic – kind of like the pot calling the kettle black!! – don’t you think? So your husband is the type that has to put others down to make himself feel better? This generally comes from someone who deep down has very low self-esteem.

Just the little bit of info you have posted here points to a very troubled person that needs help. Problem is, these type of people usually think they're too good to need help.

Conclusion: You really need to think about abandoning this person as I do not feel as though things are going to improve – actually, I think what you are going to see is worsening behavior as time goes by and you are at risk of getting very – very hurt.


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

alg1216 said:


> I posted this in the "Ladies Lounge", but I would like some male advice too. (It's under, "The Giver").
> 
> Married: one year
> Age: 24
> ...


I can't offer great words of wisdom, except to say that this is the ONE thing you can control very well. Not letting other people control your emotion, your self-worth, your sense of your own value to yourself. One can feel entirely worthless, and thus, depend on how others make you feel, to have any sense of worth to yourself. 

You can't let this go on. This is not about your marriage, at this point, this is solely about you. Yes, he's a twit for doing it, but you can and must control this. If it's not him, it will be someone else who will be defining your value and worthiness, until you, yourself, do it. 

No, I'm not talking about being self important or arrogant, I'm just talking about having a little faith in you being an equal value person to everyone around you, which you are. You have allowed HIM to define "smart" by what HE is interested in and since you haven't (or are not interested in) his philosophy or economics or sociology, you have let him make you think that's "less smart". 

Don't engage in those things with him. When he tries, just say "I want to talk about what interests me." If he doesn't want to, then ask him why you have to let him choose the topics all the time. After all, this is an equal partnership, not master and servant. 



> He's an extremely intelligent man who talks about philosophy, economics, sociology... unfortunately, I do not have the background in those fields, so I cannot always contribute to conversations. Or, I have to ask him to rephrase questions or comments several times in one conversation. I can tell he gets tired of it, and often he just says "nevermind" and walks away. I try and get him to keep up the subject, but it doesn't work.


I don't expect my wife to keep up on networking, politics, or the intracies of programming an engine controller. She also doesn't expect me to have in-depth knowledge of medicine. I'm not dumb and neither is she, for having different interests. Realize that about yourself and stick up for it. 



> 2) I found porn on the computer. I asked him about it, to which he replied "I like a variety of women. I watch porn because I think it's fun." Also, he says he fantasizes about other women and wonders what it would have been like if him and his ex-girlfriend worked out. Essentially, he still thinks and wonders about his "ex" (really just a summer fling).
> 3) We had talked about having kids before we got married, and after, then he surprises me one day by saying he never wanted kids and I "misunderstood" him.
> 4) He doesn't think I'm "authentic" or that I have any interests...which I do (painting, reading, movies, English, etc.).


You will not control him about any of these things. You will, however, control how they impact you and what you do about them. But before you focus on those, start working on the things you CAN control. Once you stand your own ground on what you see as an equal partnership, you will find your relationship much easier to work on - either it works out, or it does not. You won't be lost trying to make a world where someone else defines you, work for you. 



> It's like he wants me to be him. But I'm not him. I constantly give and give and give. I am always the one to compromise. He gets tired of me compromising, but he doesn't really try to help the situation. I'm tired of feeling this way and I'm tired of the tears. I'm hurt, and I need some advice.


No, he just doesn't have any interests outside of his narrow vision, and since he's been defining you all along. Honestly, you'll never get respected if you don't respect yourself.


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## alg1216 (May 27, 2014)

Thank you all for the advice. There's been quite a few updates since I posted this...

The biggest one for me is that he was lying to me. He lied about two things: 1) I once found a picture of a woman on his phone, asked who she was. He got mad, took the phone away. I became upset and kept questioning him. Basically, he led me to believe that I am the one who I was seeing things. He even went so far as to get a man dressed up as a girl in a purple dress and say it was a joke for a guy at work. He confessed last night that it was in fact a picture of a woman with a body type he likes. He would look at it every now and again to regain his "self" back. 
2) He has a female friend. He talks about her a lot, but the way he talks to her and about her makes it seems like she's more important than me. I confronted him on this issue, and he said he hardly talks to her anymore and he doesn't message her. I said, ok show me. He takes his phone, deletes the messages with her, and then hands me the phone. 

He said I've taken everything away from him - that he can't have anything to himself. I told him it was important for me to know how many guns he owns, and he had an issue with that. I confronted him on porn and fantasies and apparently I've taken that joy away too. I have not asked him to stop watching porn, I wanted to understand WHY, which is why I confronted him about the issue.

I finally pushed him to the point of confession. I think he's sorry he got caught, not sorry for lying. But he said he can't trust me anymore because I get emotional. He said I'm not being a leader, or a person he can look up to. 

As for the interests, he says it's the act of trying to understand. He wants me to read Karl Marx, and some philosophers he finds personally valuable. I said I'd give it a try. 

We've talked it out, and basically we aren't speaking each other's love language. We're going to work on it.

If you know anything about MBTI, my husband is an INTJ, and I am an INFJ. That one letter difference can cause a lot of damage sometimes. But it can also bring good.

I love him because he is smart, he follows his dreams, he is passionate about some of the things I am passionate about, and he has the same energy. We are both introverts. His energy is calming to me and I feel at home.

But, how can I regain his trust? And how can he regain mine? He says he loves me, but I told him to show me. I asked him why he stays if he's not getting what he needs, and he said because he loves me and made a promise to me. Is that really enough reason to stay in a relationship?


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

Dear ,

I have don't advises from professional perspective ; I am a lonely failing husband too, failed to make my wife understand that being a great dad and mom doesn't create a happy family ; and reached almost the stage of dating another women ; on the day of big event ; I retracted and confessed....

My advise to you is to start to be assertive and harsh in your decisions ; but give the whole thing a chance :

-Take care of your self and have your own passion for something that you won't give up .

-Be assertive in making him share a load at home work .

-Take a lead in offering love without loosing ; making sure that you do soemthing different from time to time ; sometimes a word like : "I want to be all your desires including your porn star.." ; : of course no pics ... 
this can turn everything on ; and after sometime if he is a sincere guy he will erase everything from his PC; if he forget ; nicely remind him that u are his star ; if he keeps them he is a jerk .

-leave the issue of kids now ; because you don't want to be like me after we had 3 kids ; you don't want to stay with him just because u have kids.

-create a positive shock by taking care of your look and style in social life ; but do smthng extra for him ; like once in a while go to hair salon , put nice cloth and tell him to have a nice dinner ...

- I remember that the worst thing my wife used to do is putting all the beauty touches only when she had a family wedding ; while she wouldn't change her pijama for me....

-teach him to change his habbits by changing yourself your habbits; not the one that disturb him ;but the one that disturb you .
I recall that my wife used to nagg a lot from me snoring ; didn't change until I recorded her snoring ; the thing I said then was : I love your snore; it was a step toward telling her ; I can't change your bad habbits , you can't change mine ; so let's adapt .


after a period of around a month after you do all this , send him the quote below ; with a note that you want to know 
if you are the lady Bob marley is speaking about ...
at that time , your decision should be a final one .


Quote by Bob Marley: “Only once in your life, I truly believe, you fi...”


Good luck sweet; i strongly believe u r a great women ; but give him a chance ; for you not for him.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

The man is cheating. Is that reason enough to stay?


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

If you are familiar with MBTI, then issue #1 should be no surprise if he is an INTJ. 

I don't necessarily see that as a flaw. The flaw is that he doesn't seem self-aware enough to try a different approach to conversing with you about those topics where there isn't shared interest. 

If anything like me, he's likely processing and analyzing while talking. If he has to backtrack to repeat and explain, it derails his train of thought, which is frustrating as now he just lost his place. 

He may not need agreement from you, nor debate. He may just need active listening until he's done thinking/talking.


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## alg1216 (May 27, 2014)

Zillard - I am familiar with MBTI, and yes, the fact he is an INTJ makes it tough sometimes. We are only one letter off, but it can make a huge difference. I think most of the time he isn't intentionally making me feel stupid, rather it's a self-esteem issue for me. He works in a very systematic way - very logical. I, on the other hand, often feel an emotion first and I have to back track and figure out why I felt it in the first place. It can cause some frustration and confusion on both of us.

We had a very productive conversation yesterday. I'm not giving up on him, and he's not going to give up on me. With or work and lifestyle, we haven't been taking time out for each other or ourselves. I'll be honest and tell you he is a Marine. Unfortunately, that comes first before me. It has to, sometimes. My love language is words of affirmation and thoughtful gifts, and his is physical touch and quality time. We haven't been doing neither for each other, and we haven't communicated well on what we want. We're kind of going back to day one, and starting over.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Why don't you just do this. Tell him that if his bloated ego and superior intellect needs more than you can offer then take it someplace else and see if another woman can put up with it.

I have a good friend who is super intelligent and he's about to marry a woman as dumb as a box of rocks. She knows nothing about nothing but what she lacks in smarts,she makes up in many other ways and to put it in a nutshell, she's the nicest, kindest person I know but she isn't smart and I'm not saying that your not alg1216 but if she doesn't understand something, he explains it to her in a way that he's not talking down to her. There's the difference. 

Your husband thinks he's above having to explain and all he does is show his ignorance. I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation but that doesn't mean that you have to take it from him and I wouldn't if I were you.


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## alg1216 (May 27, 2014)

I went to the same university as him, and I know I'm not dumb. I have "smarts", they're just in different areas or subjects than him, but he wants me to try and understand his.


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## lone and cautious (Jul 29, 2013)

As a guy, I can tell you this is something you should highly reconsider continuing this marriage. He sounds very rude, and pretentious, not to mention consistent disrespect towards you by being dishonest and looking at other women, even concocting a scheme to make it seem like a joke when you caught him with that photo.

Seriously? What is great about this guy? Not only did he lie to cover his ass when caught having a photo, he even had the nerve to say he likes to look at other women to, what was it again? Get himself going? Or something to that effect? Seriously, how rude and self esteem damaging that must be.

Even if he isn't cheating, he is trying to mold you into something that he wants you to be, not loving you for who you are. I'd kill this and find someone else. If you want more of this behavior later on, you are sure to get a full buffet of it.

And Karl Marx? Blegh.


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

The smart person makes other around him feel dumb.

The really smart one makes the others feel good about themselves and ignites the spark of learning in them

You husband sounds like he is smart. Am sorry but he is not really smart.


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## Sunburn (Jul 9, 2012)

alg1216 said:


> 1) I feel stupid around him. He's an extremely intelligent man who talks about philosophy, economics, sociology... unfortunately, I do not have the background in those fields, so I cannot always contribute to conversations. Or, I have to ask him to rephrase questions or comments several times in one conversation. I can tell he gets tired of it, and often he just says "nevermind" and walks away. I try and get him to keep up the subject, but it doesn't work.


Need some clarification here.

Is he book smart or Discovery Channel smart? 
Does he have credentials in these areas or did he did he just get exposed to them as pre-requisite courses?
Is his employment in any of those fields?


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

1) I feel stupid around him. He's an extremely intelligent man who talks about philosophy, economics, sociology... unfortunately, I do not have the background in those fields, so I cannot always contribute to conversations. Or, I have to ask him to rephrase questions or comments several times in one conversation. I can tell he gets tired of it, and often he just says "nevermind" and walks away. I try and get him to keep up the subject, but it doesn't work. 

Are you in the USA? There is a good radio program here called NPR, where you can listen in the morning and afternoon, and get concise news reports and in-depth explanation of current events. If you listen to it routinely...then you might end up more atune to current events than he is...and can hold your end of the conversation well.

There are also the "TED talks" online that go into details about a varied range of topics. After listening to one...you should be able to discuss that topic like a pro.

There are a lot of universities that are just now offering FREE online courses....maybe you would be interested in one of those. 

But consider, he knew what he was getting when he married you, and he loves you a lot as you are. So do not feel in any way his inferior! Keep him happy, and he will reciprocate.


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

alg1216 said:


> I went to the same university as him, and I know I'm not dumb. I have "smarts", they're just in different areas or subjects than him, but he wants me to try and understand his.


My dear brother: "If you just did the research, you would see that my conclusions are correct".
Me: I do not doubt you have conducted impeccable research. What remains is a basic ethic that no one has the right to tell another what they should value. (i.e. what they should spend their time on)
My dear brother: "But this is truly important .. it matters a great deal".
Me: I accept that this is very important to you and thus I value what you have to say on this matter. Is there not more to our relationship that this? I also need to feel heard, and I also need to be seen for what I value.


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