# Going down way too fast!!



## confused2often (Apr 24, 2012)

A few weeks ago my wife dropped the bomb on me that she needs time and space to think about our marriage. We have been dating for 6 years and married for 2. We are only 25 years old. She states that she has an entire book of reasons that she tells me caused her to get to this point. Some key factors are that she is terminally ill and she might only have 5 or so years left to live. Her brother also moved out 6 months ago and ever since she has been working late and going out with friends all the time because she claims that I am not there for her emotionally. I do agree with her that I could have talked to her more. The reason I didn't talk to her much was because all she wanted to talk about was work. She is a workaholic and lives to work. I work to live. I am not really lazy I just got too comfortable with her and such. I stopped taking care of myself. Not working out anymore. I would work hard and work and just do the essentials at home. I really do feel bad for that. I am a little overweight but not fat.

She has been really bashing me for all the little things that are "wrong" with me. Telling me I should go back to school to finish my degree so her and other people respect me more. I didn't need a degree to do my job (graphic design) which I love. She brings up that she hates my parents even though I never ask her to go see them. She maybe sees them once a year. Her parents were over 2 times a week to our house.

We moved out to the middle of the country 45 min from town when we got married. I was partially against it since I really didn't want to drive that far everyday. But she wanted to so bad and I did see a lot of positives to it also. Well when she started working crazy hours and didn't get off work til 8 pm at night I would always be at home already. She would get mad that we wouldn't go out anymore. My reasoning was I get out of work 2-3 hours before she did and didn't have 2-3 hours of errands or anything so I went home. Well she decided to start going out with friends and co workers to dinner and bars. Everytime I tried to plan on staying in town or coming back to town she told me it wasn't worth it because she never knew when she would get out. So I felt like I was in a no win situation.

A few weeks ago I decided to surprise her by going home doing the laundry, mowing, taking care of the animals then coming back up to town to see her. Well that turned into her not picking up her phone to let me know where she was. She kept texting me but would never tell me where she was. I finally found her at a bar with her co workers. I was obviously not happy and said she needs to check her phone. She took me outside and decided to yell at me that I embarased her in front of her friends. That is when she stopped coming home. She said she was staying with her female co worker. If she did come home she would come home at 1:30 in the morning and get up at 5 am.

After a week of this she said she wanted a separation and since I couldn't afford the house by myself like she can. I had to move out. So I did. Now I find myself missing my wife and my animals and feel that I did not do enough wrong to be going through this. I understand I was not the perfect husband but we never yelled at each other, cheated, hit each other, I pay my bills and generally think I am a pretty good guy. 

We almost signed divorce papers because my only rule for the separation is that we do not date other people. I dont think that you need to be with someone else to work on your marriage. She does not agree. She says that she does not want to drag anyone through what she is going through right now but she cant promise in the future she will not try going out with other people to see if I am who she wants to be with. Which just seems like something you figure out before you get married 

Now I am just going crazy trying to figure out how to move on and not worry about what she is doing all the time. I cant believe that we got to this point this fast. Sorry for the long post.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Sounds almost impossible that she isn't seeing someone else.


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## confused2often (Apr 24, 2012)

Yes and know it is really hard to think that she is not given her actions and the speed of this but if she is this would be the first time in 8 years she has lied to me. She is brutally honest. Her family thinks that she is going through a mid life crisis since she knows she is getting sicker and feels that she missed out :scratchhead:


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

Brace yourself for a lot of hurt. She doesn't want you or respects you. Your story sounds very similar to mine. Nice guy who pay the bills and is trying to do good by the wife and she says you are not there emotionally. IT'S ALL F-ING BS. I'M SO TIRED OF HEARING ABOUT THIS. Its an excuse to cheat. The fact she's telling you she wants to go out to see if you are the one she wants to be with is she telling you she wants to be with someone else. Sorry bud, time to divorce her and move on. 

Oh, and the fact she's terminally ill doesn't mean she can do this or gets a free pass.


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

Midlife crisis? She's 25. You guys are just starting life. Midlife crisis happens after 40.


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## confused2often (Apr 24, 2012)

I do understand that because she only has 5-10 years left does not give her the right to do this to me. I really don't know why I didn't sign the papers yet. She has them but doesn't want to sign them yet. I just can't believe that it has happened this fast. She is spending 99% of her time with her single co worker who I really do think is a nice person and is not trying to push her away from me. On the other hand she is spending an unhealthy amount of time with her and not giving her enough time to think by herself. I went down to grab my last load of furniture and her friend was there. They were planning a trip together. Glad she is having so much fun during this time :smthumbup:


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

I DON'T GET IT. Did you ever do anything wrong to her? WTH is wrong with people now a days. For how long did you guys dated? There were no red flags?


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## confused2often (Apr 24, 2012)

I never did anything wrong other than not being perfect I guess. We dated for 6 years then got married and have been married for 2 years. While we were dating she broke up with me a few times over little things that she needed to see if I was the person she wanted to marry. Well after our last break up which lasted 6 months I thought we were good. We got married 2 years after that break up.


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

I wouldn't be surprised if she was w/ other men during the breakup. Be thankful you don't have kids together. Sorry bro, but my suggestion is to move on. If she doesn't want you there's nothing you can do.


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

There is another man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## confused2often (Apr 24, 2012)

Yeah if she doesn't want me then I should just move on. I am really glad we never had a child. Luckily I am young and have a lot going for me. Its just really hard to divorce this fast over what she is telling me. Its like high school break ups all over again. If there is another man then it all makes sense. Just really dont know how I would deal with that rejection and betrayal.


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## Matt1720 (May 7, 2012)

No easy answer for that confused, as someone who shares both your age range and time-together, i have no proof either. Its a big IF. I'm dealing with it now AS IF. Expect and prepare yourself for the worst, hope for the best


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## Disorder (May 9, 2012)

Confused2often, 
first I want to say, I am sorry your going through this. Have you guys tried marriage counseling? I can safely tell you though that you can not make her do anything she doesn't want to do. I don't know what a terminally ill person feels and if her reaction is a knee jerk response to her illness. I can't think that this gives her a free pass to do this to you. What is her answer to you in regards to the divorce or separating? Again, I can say that the house cleaning, weight gain has no bearing on what she is doing. None of those reasons give another person the ok to treat another person like this. Have you written down or thought about where your boundaries are? What are the areas of no goes... Does that make sense? You have to know what you can accept and not accept. Once you know those than you can start to work through your feelings and what plan of action. I got to the point where I had hard limits, issues that I would not allow. My STBXH didn't respect me enough, nor thought I was important enough in his life to respect my boundaries. I had to finally come to the conclusion after 15 years of marriage, 3 kids that I couldn't change him. And yet I couldn't accept his behavior with other women. I didn't trust him any longer, therefore I got to a place where I made the decision that I would need to move on without him. He gave me line after line of different things he tried to pass for an excuse. He couldn't just say that he found someone else or that he didn't love me anymore. It just is for me now. It sucks and I hate that I am going to be divorce with 3 awesome kids. He has an issue and I can't control him nor do I want to. I hope you can get to a place to find out what you can accept and not accept. That would be a good place to start. Best of Luck.


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## confused2often (Apr 24, 2012)

I asked her to go to marriage counseling. She said it wouldn't help. She has been going to the same counselor for the past ten years. I have always not liked her because she suggests too many things. I think of someone who sits there and listens to you more than gives advice and suggestions what to do. I decided to go to my own but I have only went once. It was just long enough to tell my story. I have recently asked her again if she would consider marriage counseling again, she said she would think about it. She doesn't want a divorce she just wants a long separation. I can deal with that even though I don't think our problems even needed to come to this. The problem is my only rule while being apart is we don't see other people. She said she doesn't want to put anyone else through this but can't promise in the future she will not go out with anyone to see if being married to me is what she really wants. I just have a lot of factors against me. I work with adults, they are married and most have kids. My wife works at a university with 20-25 year olds and most of them are single and go out all the time. Since me and my wife have been together for her entire college experience I guess she now misses that and that's what she wants to do. She just turned into a completly different person one day. She wanted a farm house now she wants to live in town. She wanted animals now she wants to get rid of them. She loved cooking now she likes eating out. She never wore makeup now she is wearing it. Sorry for the ramble. Just miss my wife the way she used to be and I just need to accept that that person is most likely gone and this new ugly shell is not worth my time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

confused,

You're her safety net. She's going to want to go out and have sex with as many men as she can so she can experience life before she dies. I will bet my bottom dollar that when she's no longer physically able to take care of herself, she'll show up at your door and beg your forgiveness so that you'll care for her during her last days. It actually reminds me of the movie Forrest Gump

What terminal illness is she suffering from (if you don't mind me asking)?

Also, you shouldn't have left the home. If she wants to have affairs outside the marriage (and believe me, that's exactly what she is doing) she should leave the marital home

File Now!


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## confused2often (Apr 24, 2012)

She has CF and has been refusing treatment for some time now. She now is going to go to the clinic after coughing up large amounts of blood at work.


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## confused2often (Apr 24, 2012)

I do understand that I shouldn't have moved out. The only problem is if she moved out I would not be able to afford the place by myself. She on the other hand can because her family has spoiled her due to her disease so she doesn't have too many bills. School is paid off, given a car, etc.


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## confused2often (Apr 24, 2012)

Little bit of an update. I have tried to avoid contact with her but there are times where that has not been an option (switching accounts, etc.) She has been apologizing lately and has moved from the blaming me for everything attitude to the Im just too sick to do what I have to do and be with you attitude. Im being told by her and others that she is not doing well and coughing up blood and is drained. I really don't know what to do. She says she is going to have to move in with her parents because she is too sick to live by herself. Just don't understand since last week she wasn't talking about needing them and me out of her life for this period of time while she tries to accept death. I told her how she hurt me with her actions and words but I do not know how it feels to go through what she is going through and I will not try to make it any harder on her or myself. She thinks that we should just sign the papers and move on. Maybe that will be for the best. It is strange to think that someone close to death would want to run from people that are close to them normally it is the other way around. I guess im just insane to want to keep working on a relationship with someone that wont be around much longer and doesn't want to spend the rest of there time with me.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

confused2often said:


> She has CF and has been refusing treatment for some time now. She now is going to go to the clinic after coughing up large amounts of blood at work.


Why is she refusing treatment?


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

If I had to guess, I’d say she is wanting to live life as much as she can and have as many experiences as she can since she doesn’t have long to live. I’m sure it nothing personal, it’s that being so young she probably doesn’t want to be married and have to answer to anyone while she does what she wants while she can.

If I knew I only had 5 years to live I don’t know how I would handle it.


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## confused2often (Apr 24, 2012)

She is refusing treatment because the treatment is a pain in the ass and takes a lot of work and she really isn't feeling much better after the treatments.

Its really hard not to take it personally. But I do understand that I can not put my self in her shoes. My goal was to live separately and go to MC once a week just to talk about things, but she is looking for a clean break. Guess Ill just have sign the papers, tell her that I love her and always will and walk away for good. Im settling into my new house and will get my last few large items out this weekend and leave the key. I am really going to miss the house and my dog 

Some of my friends think that she is doing this to try to protect me from getting hurt by her death. I really hope that this is not the case because I am going to hurt either way when that happens.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Dont people with cf last until late 30s early 40s? Even more with lung transplant?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Divorce her.

You`re her back up plan.

You keep doing what you`re doing and you`ll get burned.

Hitting her with divorce papers could wake her up or it could lead to divorce.
Either way you`re better off.


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## confused2often (Apr 24, 2012)

Some people live until 50 some die when they are 15. The average is 35. She has the 3 deadliest strands of it. Because she has these strands she can not have a transplant. Even with transplants 1 in 5 die within the first year and over half die in the first 5 years. She is a very strong willed person and she is getting to the point where she is finally figuring out she cant do much anymore. I just want to be there for her and take care of her but she dosen't want that so I will have to take care of just myself. It really sucks but I am young, don't have children, have a great job and great friends. I am sure there are tons of people out there that would love to be in my situation. Just will take awhile to let go of someone who has been the best thing in my life for the past 8 years.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

confused2often said:


> I just want to be there for her and take care of her but she dosen't want that so I will have to take care of just myself.


Can it be she is testing you, if you "really" love her? Having seen two relatives go through cancer, I would expect anything from a terminally ill person.


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## confused2often (Apr 24, 2012)

keko said:


> Can it be she is testing you, if you "really" love her? Having seen two relatives go through cancer, I would expect anything from a terminally ill person.


Really hope she isn't because I have no idea how to react to this situation other then try not to be mad at her and move on. She doesn't talk to me about us, she will only talk to me about switching accounts over, picking up my stuff, etc... Don't know how I could prove to her that I "really" love her. Getting out of this relationship might end up being the best thing that could happen to me but I just can't see it yet.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Listen man, 

I know the pain. I know it very well and if it makes you feel any better I'm going through a fresh wave of it as I'm typing this.

Your wife is 110% attracted to at least one other male and she is most likely having sex with him.

The reason she's been apologetic lately is not because she somehow found a heart on the street-corner. She most likely tried romance and sex with other people and didn't find it as fulfilling as she thought it would be. Now she's having some doubts about shattering the stability that she once had with you, but is still hopeful that she can test the waters a bit more while you remain the needy loving person that you are.

People think humans as individuals are very different. They're not! Your story reeks of infidelity and it would be a miracle if your wife wasn't cheating on you. A miracle.

Now I know as a man, getting cheated on is difficult to deal with but much easier than not having closure. You need closure. Either snoop on your wife and find out the truth, or if you don't want to do that, simply consider her a cheater and drill that thought into your mind so you don't wonder anymore.

Your wife may think she's terminally ill. Fact is, we are all terminal. We will all die. That should not stop us from being decent human beings. What your wife did to you is unacceptable. Don't ever blame yourself for the treatment you got from her. She owns it all by herself.


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## confused2often (Apr 24, 2012)

So we were supposed to get together this week and fill out the paper work for divorce. She blew me off all week and now she wants to wait until after she gets back from San Diego with her female co worker. Should I just file and have her served at work or something. I just want closure but I don't really have the money to get this divorce filled by myself even if we agree on everything. Im broke after having to pay for a new place to live, moving expenses, furniture, etc. I never found out more on the situation, we just don't talk. I just have to keep telling myself that she is not what I want in a wife.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

If you're broke no reason to spend the money when her spending it will result in the same ending.


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