# Polyamory



## eatwritelove4ever (Jun 11, 2013)

I've recently been introduced to polyamory, not practicing but I've been introduced to the community. Do any of you have experiences with polyamorous relationships and would like to share? Thanks. 

From Wikipedia:
Polyamory (from Greek πολύ [poly], meaning "many" or "several", and Latin amor, "love") is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved. It is distinct from both swinging (which emphasizes sex with others as merely recreational) and may or may not include polysexuality (attraction towards multiple genders and/or sexes).


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You probably won't get a lot of supportive input on here... Fairly traditional marriage board here. Not that there's anything wrong with that... But you may want to try a polyamorous specific forum.

C


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

It just is a huge headache. The couples I knew who tried it had more problems than it was worth. I don't get the appeal. Relationships are hard enough.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

PBear said:


> You probably won't get a lot of supportive input on here... Fairly traditional marriage board here. Not that there's anything wrong with that... But you may want to try a polyamorous specific forum.
> 
> C


:iagree: Yeah, gotta reiterate this. We're pretty much a couples board.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

I've watched a few episodes of Sister Wives....


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Polyamory is not polygamy.


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## SouthernMiss (Apr 25, 2013)

Polygamy IS a form of polyamory technically...polyamory meaning "having many loves."


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

One woman is more than enough trial and aggravation for any man.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I'm sure some women would love being serviced by multiple husbands like a queen, but in reality polyamorous relationships tend to be cycling through husbands instead, with alot of responsibility on the wife to ensure that there are no favourites. Similar to polygamy I guess. Think I saw something about a community in the himalayas that practices it.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

No polygamy is a committed relationship of one man with multiple women. 
Polyamory has nothing to do with commitment.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

I suggested to my wife that it would take a lot of the stress from her if I took a second wife. I could have a fun wife for the activities she didn't have the energy for and she could keep doing stuff like cooking (she loves to cook). For some reason she didn't go for it. Sigh. I was just thinking of her.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> One woman is more than enough trial and aggravation for any man.


A thousand likes shall bestowed upon you, your children, and your children's children.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

One will notice that while God, the Omnipotent, made Adam a wife, there's no indication He made Himself one. Probably why there's peace in heaven.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

MSP said:


> I suggested to my wife that it would take a lot of the stress from her if I took a second wife. I could have a fun wife for the activities she didn't have the energy for and she could keep doing stuff like cooking (she loves to cook). *For some reason she didn't go for it. Sigh. I was just thinking of her.*


Lol, its a pity she couldn't see it..


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Dog chase cars but that doesn't mean they are expert drivers. Guys naturally imagine two women and see twice the sex. In reality, they'd probably end up with four times the drama.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> One woman is more than enough trial and aggravation for any man.


:rofl::iagree:


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

In polymory someone always gets f**Ked. :rofl:


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Enginerd said:


> I polymory someone always gets f**Ked. :rofl:


Or all butthurt. Just depends on the mix, I suppose.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

:rofl: Oh, my stomach!

unbelievable, you old codger.  Which one of these guys is you? I swear I pictured one of them when I read your posts. I'm in agreement with you. Damn that was funny.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Believe me, I've come by it honestly.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Oddly enough, I think I'd be more acceptable to swinging than polyamory. Feelings suck moose balls sometimes and they get in the way enough in a "normal" marriage.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

While there may have been a time when I was younger that I fantasized a little about swinging. Thinking, "I wonder what that's like?" I could never do it. Fantasies are generally way better than reality. They don't include all the crappy stuff you guys are talking about. Polyamory? Never even knew the term till I cam here. It took me a long time to come to grips with what it actually meant. I still can't grasp how someone could really love more than one person in a way that two committed partners can. It just doesn't compute.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

I think proponents of polyamory try to explain it in a highly civilized way...but really they are seeking consensual cake eating. Many who are in the lifestyle typically say it isn't for everyone...as some aren't as resilient with dealing with conflicting emotion and insecurity that an open relationship can trigger.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

It's highly highly unusual for someone to find two people they are in love with. The poly people I know are just having friends with benefits on the side.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

diwali123 said:


> It's highly highly unusual for someone to find two people they are in love with. The poly people I know are just having friends with benefits on the side.


Then that's more "swinging" than polyamory. My SO and I have done the swinging things, and likely will again. But we both agree that the line gets drawn when emotions come into play. The difficulty may be keeping emotions from being an issue...

C


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

No swinging is when you are both in the same room. And it's not just sexual, they go on dates and stuff but it's not love. 
I don't know it's kind of stupid if you ask me.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

PBear said:


> Then that's more "swinging" than polyamory. My SO and I have done the swinging things, and likely will again. But we both agree that the line gets drawn when emotions come into play. The difficulty may be keeping emotions from being an issue...
> 
> C


Okay, I have a question. I think I understand, but I'd like to get a bit more clarity. 

Those feelings you get from having sex with someone that I've read about. I thought they could be considered infatuation. Is that true? I know they are not love. Well, not what I think of as love. I suppose one of the five types? I know it's an attachment.

I thought about this and I realized what you were trying to convey.

Edit: I just realized it reads like I never got those feelings. That's not true. I have and they can be strong or weak. It depended on my thoughts about that woman. I think my level of attachment related to my level of respect. I'm not certain, though.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

diwali123 said:


> No swinging is when you are both in the same room. And it's not just sexual, they go on dates and stuff but it's not love.
> I don't know it's kind of stupid if you ask me.


Swinging isn't necessarily in the same room. And it may or may not be "just" about the sex.

I guess it doesn't really matter... The important part is your sex life isn't just with your primary partner. Which isn't the focus of this site.

C


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

2ntnuf said:


> Okay, I have a question. I think I understand, but I'd like to get a bit more clarity.
> 
> Those feelings you get from having sex with someone that I've read about. I thought they could be considered infatuation. Is that true? I know they are not love. Well, not what I think of as love. I suppose one of the five types? I know it's an attachment.
> 
> ...


Hmmm... No, I think for myself at least, it's natural to develop feelings of affection/"love" for someone you're having sex with, especially on a regular basis. Maybe it wouldn't be the case if it was just a "wham-bam-thank-you-maam" type thing, where you didn't hang around and cuddle after, didn't talk about anything other than sex, etc. But that's never worked out for me, I don't think. 

My SO and I originally met with the intention of a "FWB/NSA" type relationship. Purely physical, as we were both just out of long term marriages that left us sexually frustrated for a long time. The purely physical part didn't last long... We started hanging out more and more, getting to know each other more and liking what we got to know. Next thing you know, we're in love... 

Our swinging... We've never had the same partner(s) more than once. Most have been in a few trips to sex clubs, and to be perfectly honest, I can't remember their names or faces. So neither of us has any way to get in touch with them, even if we wanted to. Definitely no feelings attached to them.

I know I'd have to get out of the relationship if I felt she wanted another even "part-time" lover, or even if she wanted to meet up with someone without me. I'm happy that our sex always involves each other, even if there is occasionally someone else in the room or bed with us. But they're just "extras", not the stars. 

Hope this makes sense...

C


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

eatwritelove4ever,
if you need to ask the question then maybe you should just do it and see what happens. Might as well make a complex thing like maintaining a healthy relationship more complex. Obviously from my sarcasm I think it's almost always going to cause problems but the world isn't black and white. You may be the extremely rare couple who thrive doing it.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Thanks, Pbear. That helped me and I think it added to this thread. I think it explains what can happen. It would be difficult to be just in a swinging type relationship and it would be tough to have a partner in the room. It would be really tough to maintain composure and not fall in love. I know there are brain chemicals released that cause a person to become, in a sense, addicted to that "high". Makes sense then, that it would be tough for some to stop once it got going, in the chance that someone doesn't like it.

I agree with Thundarr and I like his new pup. I think it would be tough to maintain in a committed relationship and would be too time consuming to try to love more than one person. I mean, love is more than just sex, right? It's a commitment to that person's well being and a sharing of duties, etc. Thank you.


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## Westwind (May 20, 2013)

When the hippie way of life first started, communes were popular and so was sex. I questioned a few people about what it was like. The main problem was lack of putting in an honest day’s work. Folks were too lazy. There was also the problem of jealousy. Some of the leaders were also a bit of the wall to outright crazy.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

2ntnuf said:


> Thanks, Pbear. That helped me and I think it added to this thread. I think it explains what can happen. It would be difficult to be just in a swinging type relationship and it would be tough to have a partner in the room. It would be really tough to maintain composure and not fall in love. I know there are brain chemicals released that cause a person to become, in a sense, addicted to that "high". Makes sense then, that it would be tough for some to stop once it got going, in the chance that someone doesn't like it.
> 
> I agree with Thundarr and I like his new pup. I think it would be tough to maintain in a committed relationship and would be too time consuming to try to love more than one person. I mean, love is more than just sex, right? It's a commitment to that person's well being and a sharing of duties, etc. Thank you.


I think Thundarr is right too, to be honest. I don't think I've EVER told anyone in here that I think an open relationship is right for them, when they come in asking questions about them. I always tell them that it's a bad idea for them. Mostly because it's usually the person who DOESN'T want one posting, asking if they should give in to the pressure from the spouse that DOES want to try it. All that would do is magnify the issues in their relationship.

And yes, love is much more than just sex. And the love makes the sex that much better. 

C


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

The main problem with Polyamorous relationships and open marriages is the issue of jealousy.

The foundational belief of polyamory is that jealousy in a relationship is a social construct, and can be overcome by sharing romantic love equally amongst any number of people.

Jealousy is a natural human emotion just like love.
Anything build on a false premise is false.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I would argue from what I've seen the main problem is that women don't want to believe that the wife is really ok with it. Once they don't feel like the dirty secret they lose interest; usually right after they meet the wife. 
The wife always has many more opportunities than the husband but usually isn't as eager to act on them.


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## Westwind (May 20, 2013)

I could do polyamory if I did not have sex.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> One _man_ is more than enough trial and aggravation for any _woman_.


:iagree:


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

IMO in the end its all about getting to boink others period, so just don't get married at all, and be free to do whatever with who ever.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

For a lot of people, their parents and people around them had marriages destroyed by cheating. So this is their attempt to keep that from happening.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

CallaLily said:


> IMO in the end its all about getting to boink others period, so just don't get married at all, and be free to do whatever with who ever.


:iagree:

I think its simple as that.
Nobody's forcing anyone to get married and only have sex with one person.
Sounds like cake eating to me.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I don't think that open relationships have a higher divorce rate than monogamous ones. 
I think the premise is that people are naturally not monogamous so pretending we are is crazy. And that one person can't meet all your needs for your whole life. 
I don't think it's a bad thing but I couldn't do it.


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## eatwritelove4ever (Jun 11, 2013)

Wow. I really enjoyed reading every reply. It is an interesting topic of discussion. Thanks for participating, all.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Caramel and I tried swinging. It almost destroyed our marriage. I can imagine sharing her body with someone else but I cannot imagine sharing her heart. Just could not do that.


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## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

there are probably almost as many aspects to this question as there are people involved in it. This isn't the place to look for info, I suspect - from the replies, some people seriously have no clue.

Lots of types of swinging (same room, soft swap, etc) with sub-divisions in each, and this could be consodered a sub-division of polyamory.
A different sub-division can be classed as poly-fidelity, where more than 2 are involved, bu remain faithful within that context, and there can be triads (in a V or triangle) or quads, etc

Complex. Research elswhere !
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Rags said:


> there are probably almost as many aspects to this question as there are people involved in it. This isn't the place to look for info, I suspect - from the replies, some people seriously have no clue.
> 
> Lots of types of swinging (same room, soft swap, etc) with sub-divisions in each, and this could be consodered a sub-division of polyamory.
> A different sub-division can be classed as poly-fidelity, where more than 2 are involved, bu remain faithful within that context, and there can be triads (in a V or triangle) or quads, etc
> ...


^^Correct^^


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> From Wikipedia:
> Polyamory (from Greek πολύ [poly], meaning "many" or "several", and Latin amor, "love") is the practice, desire, or acceptance of *having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved*. It is distinct from both swinging (which emphasizes sex with others as merely recreational) and may or may not include polysexuality (attraction towards multiple genders and/or sexes).



The only time I want the consent of everyone involved is if I am on trial and not-guilty is the discussion.

Sometimes I think that I think that I would like to bang other women but then I think that the motto of “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you” is a great motto. I only want a woman that will see me as special. Her having intimate relationships with others will kill any desire I have for that woman. You cannot love a motto like the Golden Rule and have a person that is loyal and makes you special, then be violating the most personal of all physical expressions to placate your lust and expect to have a lasting relationship.
*Integrity involves some discipline and considerations of others and of yourself.*

The hippies tried that Polyamory in the 1960s. How many hippy communes do you see today? Their free love experiment did not last. Try finding a person that has many years of Polyandry and ask them the question “Well how is that working for you?” *Polyandry is a word that is tempting but it is like a shiny apple that once you bite into it you find that it has maggots!*

Also, name me someone that has lived the Palamory live style for 10-20 years and has a successful relationship with their partner and/or with their family. Crickets


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

MSP said:


> I suggested to my wife that it would take a lot of the stress from her if I took a second wife. I could have a fun wife for the activities she didn't have the energy for and she could keep doing stuff like cooking (she loves to cook). For some reason she didn't go for it. Sigh. I was just thinking of her.


In a couple of years the Sharia will give you that possibility


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> One woman is more than enough trial and aggravation for any man.


The beauty of the harem is that the women get all the drama they need from each other and the man floats above the storm. Everybody's happy. That's the theory, anyway.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

See_Listen_Love said:


> In a couple of years the Sharia will give you that possibility


Sharia? That's only been around since the 7th century. I like "Biblical Marriage." 

I agree with you that Sharia is coming soon to a Europe near you.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I knew a mf couple who had been together ten years and were getting married in a year. 
One of their f friends got a divorce and the three of them ended up in a triad. The thing was everyone could see that w2 was only into w1. 
In fact it was very hard to imagine her with any man. She came off as having a lot of male personality traits, definitely an alpha female. 
She was all over W1. 
I think the guy was just amazed to see two chicks together. They moved into a house where the married couple had a room and w2 had a room. 
Years later married couple were divorced and now the two women are a couple. I think w2 planned the whole thing from the start.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

This is a thought provoking topic that I have been thinking about for the past day. I have watched shows that documented these relationships and found it really uncomfortable watching it. It appeared to me (especially in the triads), that there is always a beta in the group that looks and sounds clueless. It would appear that the others are just mocking that individual and putting up with them because that keeps the facade going.

When I think of my wife and the sexual being she is I can understand what she has to offer the world. I mean good heavens if every woman gave as much and responded as she does there would be world peace. So from a sexual standpoint I think I understand how erotic it would be to watch her with someone else but from and emotional and a standpoint of intimacy I believe I would have to shoot the dear fellow.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> I'm sure some women would love being serviced by multiple husbands like a queen, but in reality polyamorous relationships tend to be cycling through husbands instead, with alot of responsibility on the wife to ensure that there are no favourites. Similar to polygamy I guess. Think I saw something about a community in the himalayas that practices it.


Ew. No.

lol. I can barely deal with one man, let alone many. Too much testosterone and bullshet.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

RClawson said:


> This is a thought provoking topic that I have been thinking about for the past day. I have watched shows that documented these relationships and found it really uncomfortable watching it. It appeared to me (especially in the triads), that there is always a beta in the group that looks and sounds clueless. It would appear that the others are just mocking that individual and putting up with them because that keeps the facade going.
> 
> When I think of my wife and the sexual being she is I can understand what she has to offer the world. I mean good heavens if every woman gave as much and responded as she does there would be world peace. So from a sexual standpoint I think I understand how erotic it would be to watch her with someone else but from and emotional and a standpoint of intimacy I believe I would have to shoot the dear fellow.


The couple of cases I have seen in documentaries and articles had one-on-one sexual relations only.

But yes, then the woman sleeps that night in de guestroom with her other lover, husband and kids sleep in their own beds. It looks weird, because you don't really know how the husband feels about that, maybe he has not much of a choice in his eyes.


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## Anubis (Jul 12, 2011)

My ex decided she was polyamorous, or so she said in her justification for demanding an open marriage. We know how *that* ended. I think Borgore was spot on when he sang "b**ches love cake"

I've known a few people out here who are in the lifestyle and poly. A couple seem stable, but I don't think they've been doing it for a long time. They are far in the minority of people I've known/seen/heard of try it . From what I've gleaned, the long term success numbers are far lower than normal marriage.

Just discussing the topic whit my fiance, I put forth this observation - the number of two way relationship connections is (n-1) summed ( not a factorial - can't remember the name ). That is with 2 people, A & B, you have the single relationship between A & B. With 3, you have A-B, A-C, and B-C, for 3 separate 2-way relationships. With 4, the number jumps to 6. Or put another way - a poly relationship with 3 people has 3x the complexity and 3x the vulnerability of a 2-person relationship. And we know the 2-person variety is hard enough to make work...


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

See_Listen_Love said:


> The couple of cases I have seen in documentaries and articles had one-on-one sexual relations only.
> 
> But yes, then the woman sleeps that night in de guestroom with her other lover, husband and kids sleep in their own beds. It looks weird, because you don't really know how the husband feels about that, maybe he has not much of a choice in his eyes.


From what I've seen usually the woman has a man as a SAHD and housekeeper. He does the dishes, runs the errands and so forth.
He's usually the " sensitive guy " who " understand's women well" , so he takes care of her emotional needs , when she needs someone to talk to about her feelings etc at the end of the day before she heads off to another lover's arms for a good pounding.

Mr. sensitivity gets a little duty sex from her, but she " allows " him to go out and have sex with another partner of his choice.
The problem is that no woman in their circle really wants to have sex with him. They want to have sex with Mr. Pounder who's always a bit distant and emotionally unavailable.

So the woman has the best of both worlds. A man who will cuddle her and rub her back whenever she has PMS, and another man who could give her hot wild sex whenever she feels like being dominated by what she considers a real man in the bedroom.

" Mr. Pounder " on the other hand never settles down. He's the stud servicing all the females in the circle / triad.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> From what I've seen usually the woman has a man as a SAHD and housekeeper. He does the dishes, runs the errands and so forth.
> He's usually the " sensitive guy " who " understand's women well" , so he takes care of her emotional needs , when she needs someone to talk to about her feelings etc at the end of the day before she heads off to another lover's arms for a good pounding.
> 
> Mr. sensitivity gets a little duty sex from her, but she " allows " him to go out and have sex with another partner of his choice.
> ...


In the handful of poly couples I've known, that isn't the case at all. Usually the man is the one who pushes for poly and is not the sensitive type. Usually they are the type of guy who is very HD.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Hmm. Makes me think. Could the boyfriend be extremely HD but doesn't want to marry or have a relatioship and pushes for this type of relationship with the woman? That wouldn't be polyamory. Would it? I guess all the partners don't have to be married, do they? Interesting .


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

No they don't.
The one couple I know, he is very HD and got her into it by having a three way with a male friend that she was attracted to. He even lived with them for a while. 
She told me the two guys didn't do anything with each other. She would do stuff with the other guy on their own. 

I do have to say they had a very strong relationship and there was little to no jealousy. If anything us friends were mad and jealous for them. 
I don't know what went wrong but they are separated now.

Damn.....I just looked at the court site. He must have f'd up big time. She filed and he didn't even show up and she wanted her maiden name back. 
I'm so curious as to what happened but not enough to ask my ex. Damn I'm so curious.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Very interesting Diwali because the two expose's and documentary I saw were exactly like CB outlined it.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Who is CB? 

I don't think many people who do this would want to be on Tv. They tend to be very private about it.


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