# Trust and temptation



## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

Would like to hear thoughts from the men: for the record I am female and just getting out of a marriage where my husband cheated.

I sometimes hear about men who feel "tempted" when they go out and drink and their SO is not around that they feel an attraction to someone and worry they might act on it. This recently happened to a couple I am close to. Boyfriend/girlfriend situation. His ex-wife had a daughter getting married; so his step-daughter from 10 years ago. The wife cheated on him a few times and he had an EA with a co-worker. He attended the wedding and had a few drinks then said he felt tempted to talk to his ex-wife and had a couple fleeting thoughts of what-if. He felt he needed to leave so he wouldn't act on anything. According to him-the marriage was not the best relationship and they obviously had problems with meeting each others needs hence the affairs. Why was the temptation even there if he has such a seemingly good relationship with his girlfriend now who is truly a class act herself. 

Is this how a lot of men are? They feel like after a few drinks that they are then tempted and possibly by someone who treated them badly in the marriage? Does this mean the girlfriend doesn't mean that much to him or she can't trust him to go someplace without her? Personally; I would like to date again someday but when I hear stories like this it makes me not want to trust any guy. Logically I realize you can't put all men together in this one category but it makes me wonder.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

I don't think this is remotely limited to men.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

That is fair; however I personally hear this more often from men I talk to rather than women. Certainly women are the same way though~


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

For myself, I have not once been tempted by my ex wife, no matter how much I have had to drink. And lord knows, once things were over, she pulled out all the stops to temp me. Rather than being tempted, I was finally able to allow myself to be disgusted.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I am frequently tempted - in the sense that I will meet an attractive woman and muse / fantasize about sex. 

I don't drink at all - partly to make sure that I never act on that sort of temptation.

Since I've been hit on by women, I'm sure that both genders are susceptible to temptation.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

samyeagar said:


> For myself, I have not once been tempted by my ex wife, no matter how much I have had to drink. And lord knows, once things were over, she pulled out all the stops to temp me. Rather than being tempted, I was finally able to allow myself to be disgusted.



This is what I would expect; especially once the divorce is final. I am glad she wasn't able to pull you back in.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> I am frequently tempted - in the sense that I will meet an attractive woman and muse / fantasize about sex.
> 
> I don't drink at all - partly to make sure that I never act on that sort of temptation.
> ...



Yes; I suppose fantasizing is something most of us do at one time or another. Acting on it is the problem. Isn't alcohol just an excuse though? I am referring to people who cheat. "I was drunk and didn't mean it!" Should there not already be a boundary in place that being faithful is just what you do; drinks or not. Does it worry your SO that you don't intentionally drink just for that reason? To be gender inclusive then~why is it a temptation for some people and not others?


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening 
alcohol affects people differently. Anyone who thinks that drinking might lower their inhibitions to the point where they will do something they would not do sober, should not drink. 

So while drinking is some sense is an excuse, you were sober when you chose to drink.

I don't drink for a number of reasons, but largely they revolve around not wanting to weaken my inhibitions. I haven't told my SO specifically what those inhibitions are (and don't consider it her business). 




5Creed said:


> Yes; I suppose fantasizing is something most of us do at one time or another. Acting on it is the problem. Isn't alcohol just an excuse though? I am referring to people who cheat. "I was drunk and didn't mean it!" Should there not already be a boundary in place that being faithful is just what you do; drinks or not. Does it worry your SO that you don't intentionally drink just for that reason? To be gender inclusive then~why is it a temptation for some people and not others?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I have no difficulty avoiding or resisting temptation even when I've been drinking. I've known and observed other people who can do the same - and many who cannot. There are many factors that dispose a person towards self-awareness and self-control - or lack thereof. Everything from personal values, upbringing, learning from past actions (including mistakes), relationship satisfaction, degree of narcissism, and even how many other things you've had to use willpower for recently to stay in control - all affect how well you can deal with a temptation in the moment and overall.

In principle it seems like an easy binary choice - in reality, it can be far from simple or easy. Welcome to human nature.


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## lovelyblue (Oct 25, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> I don't think this is remotely limited to men.


I agree when I was younger aka my party years. I had a serious BF I never cheated on him and I was at an huge sausage parties..


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## 2ndchanceGuy (Sep 28, 2015)

5Creed,
It all boils down the persons moral compass and level of self control. Some people have it and some don't

When you start dating again, take your time and don't go too fast. Get to know the person.
Sorry you were with a cheater. Try not to doubt all of us .... If you look closely enough you will find a good one. 
good luck


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

I'm a guy. I am an American and live in Asia. Right now I live in Bangkok, Thailand and it's the mens playground of the world.
I could seriously just dial a number and have 5 gorgeous Thai girls in my room if I wanted. But I don't because not my thing. I've never done a hooker, drugs, etc.

But I've seen it all. Even men who I thought were solid let their guard down after a long stretch away from home and they either got an Asian gf or had a hooker for the night. Some regret it, some just learn to compartmentalize it. We even talk about it often.

So the common theme I see if core values. Guys who don't want to cheat, don't. I'm one of them.

It's how you ask the questions towards a man that can give you hints about his tendencies....


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

2ndchanceGuy said:


> 5Creed,
> It all boils down the persons moral compass and level of self control. Some people have it and some don't
> 
> When you start dating again, take your time and don't go too fast. Get to know the person.
> ...



Thanks-I think that is the bottom line. Is it in you or not?

Just for a short time did I judge every guy as having the tendency to be unfaithful. It was just a stage and I am done with it. I wouldn't want to be judged as being a cheater just because of what one woman did to a man so I get it.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

jdawg2015 said:


> I'm a guy. I am an American and live in Asia. Right now I live in Bangkok, Thailand and it's the mens playground of the world.
> I could seriously just dial a number and have 5 gorgeous Thai girls in my room if I wanted. But I don't because not my thing. I've never done a hooker, drugs, etc.
> 
> But I've seen it all. Even men who I thought were solid let their guard down after a long stretch away from home and they either got an Asian gf or had a hooker for the night. Some regret it, some just learn to compartmentalize it. We even talk about it often.
> ...


I want to be with someone just like this; and again; I know most men do too. I am not ready yet to even go there but I will when the time is right.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

5Creed said:


> Would like to hear thoughts from the men: for the record I am female and just getting out of a marriage where my husband cheated.
> 
> I sometimes hear about men who feel "tempted" when they go out and drink and their SO is not around that they feel an attraction to someone and worry they might act on it. This recently happened to a couple I am close to. Boyfriend/girlfriend situation. His ex-wife had a daughter getting married; so his step-daughter from 10 years ago. The wife cheated on him a few times and he had an EA with a co-worker. He attended the wedding and had a few drinks then said he felt tempted to talk to his ex-wife and had a couple fleeting thoughts of what-if. He felt he needed to leave so he wouldn't act on anything. According to him-the marriage was not the best relationship and they obviously had problems with meeting each others needs hence the affairs. Why was the temptation even there if he has such a seemingly good relationship with his girlfriend now who is truly a class act herself.
> 
> Is this how *a lot of men are*? They feel like after a few drinks that they are then tempted and possibly by someone who treated them badly in the marriage? Does this mean the girlfriend doesn't mean that much to him or she can't trust him to go someplace without her? Personally; I would like to date again someday but when I hear stories like this it makes me not want to trust any guy. Logically I realize you can't put all men together in this one category but it makes me wonder.


no this how SOME people are.....men and women. Cheating isn't a gender issue its a character issue.

As a man I have never cheated on anyone but my X wife cheated on me. I find her now less than zero on the temptation scale and at one point , kid you not, I found her to be the most beautiful woman on the planet. Cheating will cure that in you.

I personally have never understood the need to keep old lovers around nor do I find them interesting. In my phone you find no X hookups or girlfriends. Once a relationship is over it's over to me. Now I know both men and women who keep old numbers just in case but that's not me. If someone can't be around a little temptation you don't want a relationship with them at all.

Take heart and find a good partner. Not all men and women cheat but it does seem these days it takes a bit more work to find it.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

5Creed said:


> I want to be with someone just like this; and again; I know most men do too. I am not ready yet to even go there but I will when the time is right.


For me, security in a relationship with someone I'm with is paramount. So I reciprocate.

My ex gf liked that about me. My ex fiancé took advantage of it..... notice she's now an EX


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## truster (Jul 23, 2015)

Once in a relationship, when I go out without the SO I tend to dress casually and shut down pretty strangers who want to talk, because I don't want to start inching down that slippery slope (especially because I like to drink when I go out). It's generally enough, but every once in awhile someone is extra aggressive and I have to remove myself from the place because I can feel it getting dangerous if I stick around. Who knows, maybe I could handle it, but I don't really want to gamble on it.

I read somewhere recently, I want to say _The Honest Truth About Dishonesty_, that dishonest actions are generally inched into by people who generally would have previously thought they wouldn't do it, rather than jumped into by those who know they're just in it for themselves. It's typically a series of small actions, each one raising the comfort level for the next. That's why I don't want to gamble mixing drinking and 'innocent' banter.. I feel a certain way now, but who knows what I'll convince myself of 6 more steps down the slope. That's why I shut it down at the top, and so far that's worked for me.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

jdawg2015 said:


> For me, security in a relationship with someone I'm with is paramount. So I reciprocate.
> 
> My ex gf liked that about me. My ex fiancé took advantage of it..... notice she's now an EX



I so agree; trust is going to be a very important factor for me. I am like you and feel I am trustworthy and expect that from my partner too.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

truster said:


> Once in a relationship, when I go out without the SO I tend to dress casually and shut down pretty strangers who want to talk, because I don't want to start inching down that slippery slope (especially because I like to drink when I go out). It's generally enough, but every once in awhile someone is extra aggressive and I have to remove myself from the place because I can feel it getting dangerous if I stick around. Who knows, maybe I could handle it, but I don't really want to gamble on it.
> 
> I read somewhere recently, I want to say _The Honest Truth About Dishonesty_, that dishonest actions are generally inched into by people who generally would have previously thought they wouldn't do it, rather than jumped into by those who know they're just in it for themselves. It's typically a series of small actions, each one raising the comfort level for the next. That's why I don't want to gamble mixing drinking and 'innocent' banter.. I feel a certain way now, but who knows what I'll convince myself of 6 more steps down the slope. That's why I shut it down at the top, and so far that's worked for me.


I hope it continues to work for you. This is an interesting point because small steps towards something is so much easier. I think that is how affairs work-you start talking, then it gets more personal and you start feeling comfortable with each other and it gets inappropriate and there you have it. You are in that hole.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

5Creed said:


> I hope it continues to work for you. This is an interesting point because small steps towards something is so much easier. I think that is how affairs work-you start talking, then it gets more personal and you start feeling comfortable with each other and it gets inappropriate and there you have it. *You are in that hole*.


Yes. Yes you are.


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