# What to do? Pregnant and unhappy in marriage.



## kelly123 (Apr 6, 2012)

I am so unhappy. I am due to have a baby boy on 7/2/2012 and this should be a happy exciting time but it is not. I should have never got pregnant. I have not had sex with my husband since the day I got pregnant. He has not tried to have sex with me and I have no desire to have sex with him either (6 months, 3 week).

We don't even talk. He walks in the house and ignores me and if he does have anything to say it normally pisses me off. Basically, I cannot stand him. He is a year older than me 31 but acts like a child. I also think he is fat (gained a lot of weight since we got married) and lazy. I have two jobs and make all the money and he makes barely over min wage with no drive or desire to better himself. He spends more money than he makes so I basically feel like he is just another child of mine. he is in a motorcycle club and pays 40 bucks to be in it each month and has a motorcycle which always needs fixed or something and he has mandatory rides (the day before easter is the next one when we already had plans for an easter egg hunt). I feel he selects his motorcycle over his family. I also feel he is not very smart and I yearn for a conversation with other intelectual adults. He believes anything I tell him and I feel he has no brain of his own. His parens also borrowed money from us 5k (well me actually) and said they would pay us back in three months and it has been over a year and we have not seen a penny. I do not like his parents for this reason, either. 

I have suggested marriage counseling and he told me there is no way in hell he is doing that. You basically cannot talk to this man without him throwing a fit like a small child so I give up I no longer try to talk to him. 

He throws a fit all the time saying he is so unhappy because we live in a small house yet he will not do anything to try to make more money or save more of the money he makes. He pays over 90 a month for his cell phone and only brings home 1600 a month. I pay 35 a month for my cell phone and I make twice as much money as him. I feel he is a spoiled brat. He wanted a second child and I did not the fact I even let myself get pregnant makes me sick. I really don't want him or the baby in my life and would love for me and my daughter to leave and just give the baby to him. I know that sounds really crazy but I think that is what he needs to grow up. He complains that I work 4 ten hour shifts and he has to pick my daughter up four days a week because he wants to go ride his motorcycle. He acts like he does so much but my 5 year old says he is mean and never plays with her. I take her to school everyday and I am home one day a week so all he has to do is pick her up four days a week. 

I am ready to leave. I wanted to try to work things out but he is unwilling. He also smokes when I told him I would not marry a smoker and he quit but he is back to smoking a pack a day which makes we sick and it cost $5 a day that he doesn't have to spend.

I am worried if I leave him he could get me for child/spouse support. I work 10 times harder than him for my money and do not believe he should get any of it.

I am also worried I will have no one to pick up my daughter 4 days a week because I work odd hours and cannot change my shift or my job.

I am also afraid to have no one here and be lonely even though we don't talk it is like I am alone already.

I really wish I was not pregnant. I will have to support my husband who is like a child and two other kids now. I am sick and tired of working two jobs while he watches tv everynight while I work on the computer.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

Writing your feelings out and having someone to tell them to really helps a lot, so I sincerely hope this has helped you a little bit at least. You sound very depressed, and you said some things I bet were out of depression and not necessarily how you really feel, like abandoning your baby. Maybe you do feel that way right now, but you have to find a way out of this state of mind. I know what the pregnancy hormones can do to the mind.

If you just wanted to vent, I surely understand that. But, if you wanted someone to give you advice, then you're not going to like for me to say your life, your happiness, and your mental and emotional well being do not depend on your husband. All of it, every bit of it depends on you. You can't live capriciously and not expect consequences for bad decisions or not bothering to make good decisions.

You don't know all there is to know about divorce and family court, but you've decided to be upset and fearful of something you know little or nothing about. So, why not talk to a divorce attorney before being concerned about paying child support? An attorney will let you know the likelihood of that happening. It seems to me, you'd only have to pay if he is awarded custody of the baby, but I don't know that for certain either. Nevertheless, you don't want the baby and he would have to take care of him, so why not pay him child support? The child is as much your responsibility. 

Before you dig yourself any deeper in trouble, try to bring yourself out of this hole of depression you're in. Find some things to do that make you feel good. Exercise often works, so maybe go to a gym for a while. Go out a few times a month with friends. Read funny books or watch comedy videos.

I don't know if it is advisable, so ask your doctor if there is something he can prescribe for a pregnant woman - something that is definitely known to be harmless to the fetus.

You can't change him, but you can certainly change you. Often times, that will prompt him to change as well. Maybe not completely, but perhaps he will become more willing.


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

You could always put this one up for adoption. You and your other baby could then leave and never come back.

Adoption is really not that bad. My dad was adopted, and he turned out ok. He's educated, had a good job, raised a family, never had to get divorced, etc.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

Adoption is definitely an option you should be thinking about here. Having the baby and leaving it with your husband to raise on his own is not in the child's best interests. The child isn't wanted but also isn't to blame for the situation and deserves a chance at a normal life, thus adoption is probably the way to go - depending on where you are, you may be able to interview potential parents to pick someone you believe in. There are loads of positive adoption stories. 

However, in order to put the child up for adoption, your husband will have to agree to relinquish his parental rights, which he may not be willing to do (he was the one who wanted the 2nd child, I think you said) - so you may want to start discussing this with him now. If you wait til the child is born, then he will bond with it and it will be more difficult for everyone involved.


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## rswa3319 (Apr 7, 2012)

I am also in an unhappy marriage and felt often during my pregnancy that I shouldn't have gotten pregnant. Add hormonal issues, working 60 hours a week, a cheating husband, a 3 year old to the mix and I know exactly what you are feeling. I'm still not sure if having a second child was the best thing but I wouldn't trade my son for the world. The second I saw him I didn't want him to be out of my sight for more than a minute or two. It's taking more time to settle into the rhythm on my new life and things with my husband or worse than ever but... I no longer feel like I don't want my son but I do recognize the complications that having two small ones propose. I'm sorry I'm not much help solution wise but maybe just offering out a hand so you know you arent the only one out there and that at least one other person knows what you are feeling.


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## jelichmann (Apr 5, 2012)

Wow, this is a tragic story, but unfortunately you are not the first unhappy pregnant wife. Nor are you the first to find your husband childish and immature.

Here's a few tips:

1. You need some YOU time. Seriously. 

I know it's going to be very difficult to swing, but just make it happen. Get away, get a breath of fresh air, and get some perspective on your marriage/kids.

2. Start exercising 3x a week. No matter what.

Speaking from personal experience, exercise is the #1 solution to depression. Even to this day, I notice a difference when I've missed a workout. There have been a gazillion studies showing the benefits of exercise as relating to depression, and it's not a joke. When you exercise it's like a reminder that you have control over your life. Even if it's just getting out for a 30 minute walk with your daughter, find a way to make it happen.

3. Talk to a divorce attorney.

I'll tell you right now that the state of mind you're in right now is VERY difficult to get out of. You're stuck fantasizing about divorce but you feel as if it's not an option, which actually makes you WANT it MORE. Sounds weird, but it's true.

So, find a divorce attorney. Talk to them about your options. Make it REAL to you. I'm willing to be that no matter how you feel about your husband now, after talking to a divorce attorney you'll find yourself reconsidering that course of action.


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## kelly123 (Apr 6, 2012)

Thank you all for your responses. I didn't even think I was depressed until I read post 1 and post 6. I really would not give my son up for adoption even though I am not happy in my marriage right now and not happy with my husband. I will love and take good care of my little boy. I just wish I had a different husband but you cannot change people especially people who don't want to change. Thank you for your review and positive comments, thoughts, and ideas.


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## jelichmann (Apr 5, 2012)

kelly123 said:


> Thank you all for your responses. I didn't even think I was depressed until I read post 1 and post 6. I really would not give my son up for adoption even though I am not happy in my marriage right now and not happy with my husband. I will love and take good care of my little boy. I just wish I had a different husband but you cannot change people especially people who don't want to change. Thank you for your review and positive comments, thoughts, and ideas.


I'm glad to hear back from you, and I'm glad that my post was able to give you some insight. Depression is weird like that for many people...You don't think of yourself as depressed until one day you feel everything on your shoulders and you realize that you're completely world weary and tired of...Everything. And then you're stuck and you can't do anything about it and it just gets worse and worse until, for most people, you emotionally explode. 

You are right about one thing though: You can't change anyone who doesn't want to change on their own. The question should NOT be _"how do I get my husband to change,"_ it should be, _"how do I get my husband to WANT change"_. 

This idea forms the core of my beliefs about marriage and relationships. The best answer that I've found so far? Lead by example. show him that you are fulfilled, even if you feel that your relationship with him personally is lacking. When he sees you happy in what he undoubtedly feels like is a broken marriage (just like you do/did), he'll start questioning himself.

I once read something that changed the way I handle my depression:

*When you have great pain, find an even greater purpose.*

With this in mind, make it your goal to find joy in everything you do… Seek it out even when it seems like there's now way it could exist. Find joy in your kids, find joy in your work and even find joy in the fact that 1,000,000s of women in this world don't even get to CHOOSE their husband (seriously). 

Maybe this whole post sounds like pointless, backwards, or obvious advice, but it's what helped me and I hope it helps you.


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