# Separated.. Divorcing....Living together as friends and roommates



## Ben0909 (Sep 1, 2021)

I have just found myself moving out of our large master suite and into a small bedroom across the hall. All of my personal items are now in that room or in the garage or in the downstairs living room.
As she goes out to do her thing....whatever that may be...I am left sitting home, watching TV and thinking of ways to develop a support system. 
We both know that this is all for the best, but I feel alone. I have my teenage son here half the time and that helps a bit, but it's not fair to lean on him too much. 
I signed up for an online dating service, but how really would be interested in talking to someone who has just recently separated and still lives in the same house with the ex? 
I'm a bit of an introvert and have trouble making friends.
Anyway..I guess that's how I find myself here.


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## 2&out (Apr 16, 2015)

You signed up for a dating service ?? First thing you need to do is not be looking for someone else to make you happy or feel good. That is just stupid. Look at the man in the mirror and ask him what he needs to do to be happy with himself and what he's going to do to accomplish that. And start on that path. You may need to change directions a few times. 

Wanting and hoping someone else to do it is NOT the way. See that man in the mirror ? Only way he will truly respect himself is if he does it himself. Best wishes.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Sorry you find yourself in the situation. Questions:

Why are you divorcing?

Who decided to end the marriage? (And don’t say it was a mutual decision because that’s ********, someone initiated and drove it)

Why are you the one leaving the master bedroom and not her?

Why would you try to live in the same house for one second longer than absolutely necessary? (it’s a terrible idea)


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## Goshenite (Jul 28, 2021)

Ben0909 said:


> I have just found myself moving out of our large master suite and into a small bedroom across the hall. All of my personal items are now in that room or in the garage or in the downstairs living room.
> As she goes out to do her thing....whatever that may be...I am left sitting home, watching TV and thinking of ways to develop a support system.
> We both know that this is all for the best, but I feel alone. I have my teenage son here half the time and that helps a bit, but it's not fair to lean on him too much.
> I signed up for an online dating service, but how really would be interested in talking to someone who has just recently separated and still lives in the same house with the ex?
> ...


Ben, I just posted about a VERY similar situation but I am the wife and it is my husband who joined dating sites (he did not tell me, I found out on my own though I am not sure he didn't want me to know anyway...). So now you can get a reaction from the other POV. 
Honestly, by doing this he has flipped a lot of what I thought I knew about him upside down. I find it completely disrespectful that he is doing this when we are still legally married and living under the same roof. We too live in separate rooms and have a son at home...SO similar to you but we are playing opposite roles! I personally would NEVER get involved with anyone who was not yet divorced - life is strange and you never know what happens. I DO understand why you did this (at least I think I do) but really, there will be a time for this when you are truly on your own. I am sorry you are in this situation...I honestly am.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

It's an unhappy situation you find yourself in, and I hope I don't sound unsympathetic.

It's important to have relationships w/ friends/relatives outside of the marriage, for situations like this or if the spouse dies. It seems like you didn't do this, and now the only solution you've come up with is finding a new romantic relationship. Even if you do this, you still have all of your eggs in one basket.

You're correct that your situation right now isn't going to be appealing to a lot of prospective dates. As others have suggested, it probably isn't a healthy time for you to date either. So as hard as it sounds for you, find some hobbies or friends to fill up some of the holes left by your marriage. Don't overlook volunteer work.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

Ben0909 said:


> I have just found myself moving out of our large master suite and into a small bedroom across the hall. All of my personal items are now in that room or in the garage or in the downstairs living room.
> As she goes out to do her thing....whatever that may be...I am left sitting home, watching TV and thinking of ways to develop a support system.
> We both know that this is all for the best, but I feel alone. I have my teenage son here half the time and that helps a bit, but it's not fair to lean on him too much.
> I signed up for an online dating service, but how really would be interested in talking to someone who has just recently separated and still lives in the same house with the ex?
> ...


Sorry you are here. From what I experienced during my divorce and the couple years of online dating, men feel more lonely than women during the divorce/separation phase and afterwards. Women rely on a support network of girlfriends in a way that men don't. They don't bond with their friends the same way women do. My girlfriends, especially those who were going through separation and divorce at the same time, helped me go through the process. It would be a good idea to reach out to any of your friends who are going or went through divorce. 

As I started online dating, I talked with some men, who were really nice people, who were in the same situation as you. They were honest and clear that they were doing online dating just to avoid loneliness and they are not ready for a relationship. I avoided meeting these men in person, although I found them decent people. I was ready for a relationship when I decided to go through online dating, and they were clearly not. Online dating could be a way to distract yourself, but it is not a way to help you go through the separation/divorce process as you need now to be with yourself and process the separation. You need to take care of yourself, maybe by seeing a therapist, maybe by discussing your divorce with people you trust (family and close friends), but online dating is a messy world and it won't help you through the process. 

I am an introvert as well, and it is not easy for me to go towards people and strike a conversation. I joined some meetup groups, and I had a nice time, but did not make friends there; just acquaintances. In any case, it was a good and healthy way to go out, do some activities, and spend time with other people. Good luck!


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

coquille said:


> Sorry you are here. From what I experienced during my divorce and the couple years of online dating, men feel more lonely than women during the divorce/separation phase and afterwards. Women rely on a support network of girlfriends in a way that men don't. They don't bond with their friends the same way women do.


I think a couple of generations ago most men had support networks/friends, whereas today most don't. I think it is madness, and having those served me very well, especially during my divorce.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Ben, instead of dating, why don't you work on expanding your network. Try meetup.com (although many events aren't running due to covid). Pursue YOUR interests since you now have time. Get up and workout, go for a run/bike/walk, etc..


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

Why would you want to go out on dates? Do you plan on taking women out to nice restaurants, spending money, to demonstrate your provider qualities? (not a good move) How long have you been out of the dating scene? On-Line dating for most guys is not a pleasant experience and requires skill. Women run that show brother so don't let it get you down. Do you understand modern dating or are you still following what your clergyman laid out for you? The 1950s playbook. Looks like you are catering to the princess. 

You feel alone because you're a man. Men are on their own. that's how it works. 

Appears that the little lady is dating while you're sitting home paying the bills and providing her w/ material support. . maybe I'm wrong. You asked for a support system. You got one.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

manowar said:


> You feel alone because you're a man. Men are on their own. that's how it works.


If your point is that is how most men do it nowadays, I agree. 

If instead you're saying it is some immutable aspect of male nature, it seems to me like 50 years ago or so a lot of men had friends, hobbies, support networks and weren't so much on their own.


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## Orthotech (Sep 10, 2021)

Ben0909 said:


> I have just found myself moving out of our large master suite and into a small bedroom across the hall. All of my personal items are now in that room or in the garage or in the downstairs living room.
> As she goes out to do her thing....whatever that may be...I am left sitting home, watching TV and thinking of ways to develop a support system.
> We both know that this is all for the best, but I feel alone. I have my teenage son here half the time and that helps a bit, but it's not fair to lean on him too much.
> I signed up for an online dating service, but how really would be interested in talking to someone who has just recently separated and still lives in the same house with the ex?
> ...


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## Orthotech (Sep 10, 2021)

I would love to talk with you! I am in the Exact same boat. Lonely in the basement right now.
This just happened here as well.


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