# Withdrawing from sex when angry



## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

I have been posting about a recent problem me and my OH had and touched upon the fact that because of his attitude towards my feelings, I did not feel the desire to be intimate with him if he had tried to initiate.

When me and him experience difficulties in our relationship, and I feel like my needs are not important to him, belittled, unimportant, sidelined, I withdraw. Sex for me is something I share with the most important person in my life. When that person acts like they do not care about my feelings, I do not want to have sex with them. Not as a punishment; it is me putting up a protective wall, giving myself distance. The act of sex when under such stress to me feels empty and devoid of meaning and I think it sends mixed messages for me to feel the way I do then say, hey, but let's have sex.

I was wondering how others respond in a similar situation. Do you carry on with your sex lives in times of stress between you? Do you feel you cannot engage whilst you are feeling upset or angry? Do you have a partner who feels the opposite and that causes more stress at a bad time?

I am particularly interested in if there is a difference of opinion between men and women...


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

I guess I see sex as a way of reconnecting. I don't think that means I would absolutely allways want sex when angry, but angry sex can be good and therapeutic. 

I also believe it would help him feel close and then he might tell you how much you mean to him, helping melt away the anger.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

We have sorted things out fortunately, and the first thing he wanted to do? Have sex

I see that sex could help to reconnect. For me though, when I'm angry I need space emotionally and physically to process my thoughts and feelings. I need understanding and resolution to be able to even WANT to go there.


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

There are times when was am angry... we would talk and resolve something, but not very much, and just agree to let it go for a minute, and he would want/need sex I guess to feel like we got somewhere, but I did not think we got THAT far, and then he would get all pouty and sulky becasue then he felt like we got NO WHERE. To me it had to go a little further till I was ready to give that (share or get) and for him, he needed it to feel like he got anywhere. 

At the time, I did not quite realize how much he needed, or I did, but still just was not where I was willing to give... unfortunately, it set what little steps made on on issue back, because he thought it was a punishment, while I was just not ready for that reward. Still don't think I should just give on THAT, just for him, as my comfort level with it is just as important as his need isn't it? Since it is something that is suppposed to be of mutual enjoyment (the make up sex idea or the sex to be close) so.... What do you do? I have no idea since I am not always sure how to give a man that comfort or security without giving him the sex (they don't always seem to procide too many options to give that)


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

If I'm actively angry or hurt with/by him, no I don't feel like having sex with him. I don't withhold it as a punishment, but it does very much turn me off to even think about having sex with him when I feel that way. Once we've gotten beyond whatever it is, I usually feel open to having sex with him again, and whatever happened before doesn't generally have any impact on the sex. Depending on what was said or how/why I was angry/hurt, it might make me a little hesitant initially, but once I can tell that we've both really moved past the issue and we're trying to be close and make sure our relationship stays intact, I'm ok. 

However, I also make sure he understands WHY I'm not having sex with him in that moment. "I am angry that you did X/I am hurt that you said Y...and until we work that out, I just can't forget that and get in the mood." And since it's a very rare thing, he knows that I'm not trying to withhold to hurt him or out of deception or lack of drive or anything else. He knows that if I say that, I really mean it. 

Actually, thinking about it now, I think the better way to describe it is that I feel the sex would be just sex, just a filling of physical urges that means nothing and could be done with just anyone, and that turns me off.


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

I think men, in their minds, will jump straight to be being a punishment, when really it might just be that something we need to enjoy it isn't there. Then it is not punishment, as in to hurt him, but just that it would hurt us, or not mean what we want it to for us, if we just gave in.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

No, I already have a job.


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## HelloooNurse (Apr 12, 2010)

When I'm angry with my hubby, there is no way in hell I'm having sex with him. 

Who wants to have sex with someone that pissed you off? Not me. Even the idea of it, at the time, makes me sick. There is nothing attractive about someone who makes you angry and then tries to get into your pants immediately afterwards. That is disgusting. And it displays a complete lack of respect. It is also a bit creepy... slimy, or something lol. Its not about witholding sex as a punishment... its just that the concept is quite disgusting.

I would have sex with him if the issue was resolved though.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If you have children, do you still feed them even when they disappoint you? Do you expect your husband to be faithful to you only on the days he's happy with you? We are all human and imperfect but a marriage commitment means we put the needs of the marriage above our own. You can't quit being "mom", "employee" or even "dog owner" just because you're angry. Why would it be ok to quit being "wife"? Sex is a basic human need, like sleeping and eating. He does not quit being human when you're angry, upset, depressed, busy, tired, fat, worried, etc. I'm going to guess it's not ok for him to go elsewhere to satisfy needs common to every normally functioning living creature on this planet. You signed on to be the only person on earth responsible for taking care of his sexual needs. Your vows did not include the words, "when I feel like it" or "as long as he doesn't make me angry". He did not create himself and he can't turn off his basic physical needs to accomodate your moods. 
I think these are the basic differences between a marriage and shacking up, between being parent and being a random adult in close proximity to a kid, the difference between a job and a duty....comittment and responsibility.


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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

woodstock said:


> I think men, in their minds, will jump straight to be being a punishment, when really it might just be that something we need to enjoy it isn't there. Then it is not punishment, as in to hurt him, but just that it would hurt us, or not mean what we want it to for us, if we just gave in.


Men take sexual rejection very, very personally. Just keep that in mind. How you turn him down has as much to do with it as the fact you are turning him down.


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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

HelloooNurse said:


> When I'm angry with my hubby, there is no way in hell I'm having sex with him.
> 
> Who wants to have sex with someone that pissed you off? Not me. Even the idea of it, at the time, makes me sick. There is nothing attractive about someone who makes you angry and then tries to get into your pants immediately afterwards. That is disgusting. And it displays a complete lack of respect. It is also a bit creepy... slimy, or something lol. Its not about witholding sex as a punishment... its just that the concept is quite disgusting.
> 
> I would have sex with him if the issue was resolved though.



And if he's angry at you, what things does he cut off from you?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

My wife (who has made a habit of turning me down for sex routinely for the past 8 years) had an awful dream last night. Her dream was that she wanted sex from me but I refused. This has never actually happened but her merely dreaming about my rejection was her nightmare. Maybe her little dream gave her a small glimpse into the reality she has been causing for me. It isn't about sex. Basically anyone can get themselves off. This is about abandonment, isolation, withdrawal of love and caring. Withholding sex is indeed punishment of the worst sort. In truth, shooting your spouse between the eyes would be far kinder than reducing him to a non-person, undeserving of all love, respect, or compassion. If his needs mean nothing, he means nothing.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

tobio said:


> I was wondering how others respond in a similar situation. Do you carry on with your sex lives in times of stress between you? Do you feel you cannot engage whilst you are feeling upset or angry? Do you have a partner who feels the opposite and that causes more stress at a bad time?
> 
> I am particularly interested in if there is a difference of opinion between men and women...


My husband can *NOT* have sex with me if he feels I am upset with him, or he is upset with me. It completely destroys his mood. I probably can't either in reality. BUt I believe I could more so -than him! If we are having an issue with each other , it simply HAS to be communicated in its fullness with us coming to forgive each other with "I am sorry's" to feel "whole" and kosher with each other again. Otherwise we are both completely & utterly miserable, it shows in the way we speak, our actions, even with the kids. 

9 times out of 10 we will go on to have "make up sex", I am more inclined to want it , seducing him for it, as it makes ME feel better after a fight - it just gives me more peace that it has been resolved fully. But I think he would be just as fine rolling over & going to sleep. 

I think it is VERY normal for you to feel the way you are feeling, it just means something is not resolved between the 2 of you and you need to work it out, even if agreeing to disagree over something. We need to make PEACE with each other - to give to each other FULLY and unrestrained.


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

IanIronwood said:


> Men take sexual rejection very, very personally. Just keep that in mind. How you turn him down has as much to do with it as the fact you are turning him down.


I KNOW, it don't take much and when it comes to sex, a woman just has to assume there are eggshells to walk around! And you hear so much about how women are sooooo sensitive about stuff, but men are over the top on the sex issue!!!! Hell, even if it's just a "I really just don't wanna tonight".. BOOM his nutters get all ina twist LOL But when it comes to when to get into the make up sex... OMG then it's damn near impossible to get around that personal rejection crap!!


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## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

I cannot have sex while angry. Man, not possible. Growing up with 4 women makes you feel like one half of the time. That said, I am still a fixer and one who can eventually look at the whole situation almost from the perspective of an outsider. I am the one who most of the time tries to fix things. Funny thing is, the moments I feel I was completely right, she somehow always manages to com and make up with me before I start thinking about it (and I cool off fast, 5 min and I can discuss again or apologize). 

After alls well, yeah, we can do it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Human beings are capable of doing just about anything given sufficient motivation.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

IanIronwood said:


> Men take sexual rejection very, very personally. Just keep that in mind. How you turn him down has as much to do with it as the fact you are turning him down.


Well many men withdraw emotionally and that is very hurtful. I don't think either is particularly helpful to having a good relationship. But many women just cannot get turned on when they are angry at someone, and that is fair enough.

Not me - I can still get turned on. 

However being a good husband and a man he would still be considerate of my feelings and need to feel loved.

But then again I feel loved through sex too, because I only have sex with the man I love, and for me after there would be lots of cuddling maybe some sweet talking from him. So both our needs would be met.


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

Draguna said:


> I cannot have sex while angry. Man, not possible. Growing up with 4 women makes you feel like one half of the time. That said, I am still a fixer and one who can eventually look at the whole situation almost from the perspective of an outsider. I am the one who most of the time tries to fix things. Funny thing is, the moments I feel I was completely right, she somehow always manages to com and make up with me before I start thinking about it (and I cool off fast, 5 min and I can discuss again or apologize).
> 
> After alls well, yeah, we can do it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Men DO cool off faster, but often becasue of that we women get the feeling that happens because you don't feel as much. We take longer to cool off and men have to allow that just like we have to learn to accept that your cooling off is not necesarily because you don't feel. Stoopid language differences LOL


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## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

woodstock said:


> Men DO cool off faster, but often becasue of that we women get the feeling that happens because you don't feel as much. We take longer to cool off and men have to allow that just like we have to learn to accept that your cooling off is not necesarily because you don't feel. Stoopid language differences LOL


Heh... You know, I never thought it might come across as bad. Thankfully she likes that I am somewhat level headed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## visitor (Mar 1, 2011)

The most surprising thing to me about marriage (and others i've read about) is that a wife would use/let issues and disagreements get in the way of one of the most intimate, personal connections we have with each other. I assumed that _part_ of the commitment of marriage is to be there for each other, most especially in the ways we've committed ourselves _to_ one another exclusively.

If sexual desire can be turned on & off by a wife more as a connection or reaction to her feelings about her _needs_ being met in other aspects of her life than in her desire to share the experience with her husband, that demonstrates what low priority that intimacy with _him_ actually means to her.

My wife & i enjoy the pleasure of sex together, but she demonstrates more satisfaction from ignoring my presence in bed for nights on end, than in sharing the joy of the experience. That power trip of limiting a person's access to sexual activity seems appropriate to the game of dating, but in marriage it's taking advantage of someone's commitment in order to get some other individual desires attended to.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If we are incapable of performing sexually even when we do not "feel" sexual desire, then why does God command spouses to submit their bodies to each other? He even goes so far as to say the husband's body belongs to the wife and the wife's to her husband. Surely, He doesn't expect us to do anything beyond our capabilities. If we were only expected to have sex when both partiners felt like it, His command would not have been necessary.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Well I can't comment on it from a religious POV as I am an atheist. I am also one of those who is not yet married but "shacked up"

Is certainly interesting how people view it. To me, the sexual part of my relationship is VERY important. Past experience has prompted me to ensure the relationship with my OH is prioritised, that we are not just parents but we are a couple in a relationship separately from this.

I would not use sex as a tool for control, blackmail, or to manipulate my OH. I don't feel happy in not feeling desire for him when we are in the midst of tension. To me, the lack of desire for sex is a side effect of the troubles, a symptom if you like. One poster touched upon how a man can't turn off his basic physical needs. No, but I am also not just a body for his needs am I? I am a whole person to be loved and cherished, and belitting and ignoring my needs isn't my idea of foreplay tbh.

I honestly find it odd that a man would be in the midst of serious tension with his W, knowing she feels demeaned and unimportant to him, and would think it ok that because he was feeling horny, she must effectively drop her emotions and have sex. I see the argument that as a wife she signed up to be the only one to take care of his needs. But that to me, the vows of the marriage don't stand alone; they work dynamically together, and if one part falls down (to love and cherish) then it makes sense that the entwined other parts are affected. Surely on the premise that a W should have sex even if she doesn't feel like it, the H should be meeting her needs even if he doesn't feel like it? Maybe if he was meeting her needs the desire wouldn't be dimished.


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## hbgirl (Feb 15, 2011)

Wow! unbelievable's posts are UNBELIEVABLE! Why wouldn't you want to make your wife feel better so sex can be enjoyed by both of you. It's not about control, it's about emotions.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I didn't create the world and I didn't make the rules. I just live here. Naturally, I do want to make my wife "feel better" and seize every chance to do so. Point is, a commitment means you do what is necessary regardless of how you feel. People get tired, have stress, get angry, etc. Life goes on regardless of how you feel.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

We men are conditioned to believe that a woman's libido is so fragile, so ineffable that if a moth in Borneo flaps its wings, poof! it's gone. Women I think play on that to yank our chains. I also believe, and this is heresy, that many women don't actually know what being aroused is. Not that they don't get aroused but that they themselves have bought into the Mystique Myth and aren't entirely sure what arousal or even orgasm feels like.


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> We men are conditioned to believe that a woman's libido is so fragile, so ineffable that if a moth in Borneo flaps its wings, poof! it's gone. Women I think play on that to yank our chains. I also believe, and this is heresy, that many women don't actually know what being aroused is. Not that they don't get aroused but that they themselves have bought into the Mystique Myth and aren't entirely sure what arousal or even orgasm feels like.


WOW..that's weird to me.. I have with held a couple of times and I suck at it!!!! I am the one who can't last w/out LOL (well when in a relationship.. when not in one I can go for... well it was a LOOOOOOOONG time HAHA)


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

There is a difference between being married and just two people having sex. Two folks just having sex can choose at any time to withdraw from the arrangement for whatever reason. If married couples may do the same, why marry? With apologies to Catherine, spouses refuse their partners sex all the time and "no", it isn't always indicative of a serious offense or even a real one. All sorts of excuses are given. The worst felon on the planet finds it easy to justify their crimes to themselves. Hitler didn't believe he was evil. Anyone can act in loving ways when powder sugar is blown up their backside and they feel loving. Commitment continues to act loving even when it doesn't feel loving. This isn't busting on women. Many husbands deny their wives, too and IMO, they are also wrong. Healthy married couples should refrain from sex only by mutual consent and then only temporarily. If it feels awkward to have sex when you're angry, maybe that's an incentive to resolve whatevers making you angry. Punishing one's spouse by withdrawing basic needs sends the message that your commitment and the relationship is fragile and that you can't be trusted to weather storms. How can you love someone and build for the future when you're daily waiting for the other shoe to drop?


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

Congrats Tobio, you've got a thread going on something I've tried to do before!!

Soooo many posts to comment on, but (a) I think Tobio pretty much says a large measure of what I think
(b) Unbelievable remains *I was going to put unbelievable, I think the word contentious is more apt!* and I'd refer to the last post _'Commitment continues to act loving even when it doesn't feel loving' _. - well yes if you mean taking care of the everyday stuff, but how can you overcome anger which may indeed be two-way when you KNOW emotion generally comes first for women when it comes to sex? I've started to accept there's more than smoke & mirrors to the notion that men connect sex with love just as women do, it's just the order in which the words EMOTION(aka LOVE) & SEX come in the descriptive phrase that makes the world of difference
I read it in another thread as God's ultimate joke (I'm an agno-atheist too!) Women need to feel the emotion of love before having sex, men need to have sex to feel love from their woman
Ho hum so being angry means that you still love the person so you still have to perform the most intimate act with them despite feeling totally the wrong surface emotion?
(c) as usual, there have to be caveats: what does anyone mean by 'friction', 'belittling' 'demeaning' 'anger' etc - what kinds of things, over what period & what intensity because we're all individual
For myself, finding that for the umpteenth time I've been unable to explain his misunderstanding and therefore make it clear I didn't mean whatever awful perception he's taken, is bad enough IF it comes on top of a day's worth of equivalent misunderstanding & fraught 'conversations'; but then as I've tried to express, that's cumulative


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> With apologies to Catherine, spouses refuse their partners sex all the time and "no", it isn't always indicative of a serious offense or even a real one. All sorts of excuses are given.
> 
> If it feels awkward to have sex when you're angry, maybe that's an incentive to resolve whatevers making you angry.
> 
> Punishing one's spouse by withdrawing basic needs sends the message that your commitment and the relationship is fragile and that you can't be trusted to weather storms. How can you love someone and build for the future when you're daily waiting for the other shoe to drop?


I agree with you unbelievable, spouses who refuses sex frequently for no good reason are being abusive.

I get a glimmer of understanding, for the first time I may add, you are saying that if a woman loves a man then she should have sex with him even when there is conflict because you don't fall out of love when you are angry. So a woman in love should have sex under all circumstances. Is that what you are saying? 

The problem is, that this is not how men or women view sex. Men can have sex with no feelings of love. If a woman's love is the only deciding factor, then she may be having sex with a man who does not love her back. Since it is impossible to tell if he loves the object of his desires, a woman uses his behavior as a gauge. If he does not behave loving then his desire for sex may just be that, he wants sex. 

This may be one reason why it is so difficult for woman to get the emotional connection axis of male sexuality because it may or may not be there and he may lie to continue his access to sex. No woman wants to be in that position, in or out of marriage.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If women were capable of having sex only with those they were madly in love with, what can explain prostitution, pornography, the legions of unwed mothers and why do seemingly respectable women I don't even know keep offering me sex just to get out of a DUI or other charge? Why do these salients of virtue unbutton their blouses when I approach their car on just a speeding violation? 

I believe "can't" is often used by wives who really mean to say "won't" and the two words are not the same. One cannot realistically promise to always feel love for their spouse. The vow is to "be" one's lawfully wedded spouse, not to consistently "feel" like one. Every human is imperfect, therefore each of us will occasionally offend and be offended. One cannot expect to live with another human being and never be disappointed, offended, or hurt. One cannot expect to reap the benefits of marriage through good times and bad but only contribute to the marriage when they feel like it. Kids need to be fed even when they make you mad. The mortgage gets paid even if the roof leaks. Husbands and wives remain sexual and social human beings even when their spouses are angry, hurt, or whatever. 
Would it make sense to try to cure an illness by drinking poison or withholding food and water from the patient? There are three logical outcomes of withholding affection from one's spouse. #1 - divorce. #2 an affair. #3. an unhappy marriage to a spouse filled with growing resentment. If a course of action is unlikely to produce positive results (improve the marriage), then why pursue that course? Being right or vindicated but divorced is not a "win".


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> If women were capable of having sex only with those they were madly in love with, what can explain prostitution, pornography, the legions of unwed mothers and why do seemingly respectable women I don't even know keep offering me sex just to get out of a DUI or other charge? Why do these salients of virtue unbutton their blouses when I approach their car on just a speeding violation?
> 
> I believe "can't" is often used by wives who really mean to say "won't" and the two words are not the same. One cannot realistically promise to always feel love for their spouse. The vow is to "be" one's lawfully wedded spouse, not to consistently "feel" like one. Every human is imperfect, therefore each of us will occasionally offend and be offended. One cannot expect to live with another human being and never be disappointed, offended, or hurt. One cannot expect to reap the benefits of marriage through good times and bad but only contribute to the marriage when they feel like it. Kids need to be fed even when they make you mad. The mortgage gets paid even if the roof leaks. Husbands and wives remain sexual and social human beings even when their spouses are angry, hurt, or whatever.
> Would it make sense to try to cure an illness by drinking poison or withholding food and water from the patient? There are three logical outcomes of withholding affection from one's spouse. #1 - divorce. #2 an affair. #3. an unhappy marriage to a spouse filled with growing resentment. If a course of action is unlikely to produce positive results (improve the marriage), then why pursue that course? Being right or vindicated but divorced is not a "win".


Sex in marriage is vastly different than sex in prostitution, pornography or some woman trying to get out of a speeding violation. All of those are financially motivated, are they not? Legions of unwed mothers? I fail to see how a woman getting pregnant while not being married would be lumped in to the category of a prostitute. That's pretty dangerous ground. 
:scratchhead:


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You both have made my point. "Don't want to" is completely different than "can't". You are saying (as I have on several occasions) that withholding is a deliberate choice. We are not slaves to our emotions or feelings. Your husband may "feel" tempted to commit adultary. Even if he is angry or upset with you, you rightfully expect his vows to trump his natural emotions and feelings. Devotion means putting what's best for the relationship and the needs of your partner above your own. Love isn't always an emotion but often a choice. If my wife is moody, grouchy, mean, or has gained a few pounds or is undergoing cancer treatment, she still is my wife and even if my natural sexual desire might wain a bit, she has the right to expect that I will either keep my promise and be her husband in every sense of the word or I will have the decency to leave the relationship.


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## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

There is one more betwee can't and won't. I could do it, but I would do it with disdain and hate it every step of the way. How about that one? I'm not talking about a simple argument, but one I feel one of my boundaries has clearly been stepped on and trampled. Happened only once. So later, she wanted it, I could not even get a kiss because it just felt wrong in every fiber of my body. 
Now, there was a time at the start I did not repect one of her boundaries and was being a douche. She could and still wanted to have sex and we did.

This is just personal. Same as I would have a hard time having sex without love. She says she would not mind doing just that. Everybody is different. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I suppose I'm not talking about the rare one-two night "headache" but a decision to torture one's spouse for weeks, months, or even years. In any case, being angry with your spouse should feel awful...to the point that you can't enjoy life until the problem is resolved. If it is intolerable to have sex with one's spouse for months or years it should be equally intolerable to live in the same house with them, spend their money, eat their food (you get the idea).


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## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

Aah, yes, reread and now I see I skipped over the part about prolonged periods of time. In that case, you are 100% correct.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Catherine, if there are vastly more pregnancies than there are long term relationships, it stands to reason that lots of women are having sex with partners they aren't necessarily head-over-heels in love with. Nothing sinister or sexist here, just a little math. In or out of marriage, sex is frequently used as currency or leverage. All people are both good and evil and one can either love their partner or hate them, depending on that which they choose to focus their attention on. We daily work on our relationships. We're working to strengthen them or we're working to kill them and it's entirely our choice which.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

For the record, I wasn't talking about prolonged periods of time. The case in point was actually an argument me and my OH had about his refusal to acknowledge his lack of affection (non-sexual) towards me and his refusal to work on it.

I've never been one to want to get down to it when things are frosty. I must say I was pontificating because OH never actually gave me the come on during our troubles (this was a matter of days btw, no longer) but that in itself is unusual because otherwise we are intimate every day. I might actually ask him how he feels; I know he took care of things during that time but never approached me.

I must also emphasise that any withdrawal on my part is not deliberately constructed as a punishment, as a "that'll teach him" train of thought at all. I suppose I think of it as retreating into my woman cave in all aspects, inside and outside the bedroom. I see that it has been said that tending to the other partner's needs is not simply a fairweather agreement; whilst I see this, in practicality whilst I don't stop loving him because I am angry, I don't want to subject myself to what would ultimately be an empty and unfulfilling meeting. I have tried to reconcile that way before and it did nothing for me, in fact it was quite upsetting.

I think talking about a longer term withdrawal however merits further discussion as I think that opens up other issues that may not be pertinent here.


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## saninbham (May 10, 2011)

Unbelievable, the fact that you feel that your wife should be able to "compartmentalize" her emotions so that she can have sex with you because that's what YOU want is not only selfish, but it is relegating her to the role of prostitute. That's what they do. They put aside all emotion and feeling to "get the job done". The whole time you have talked about nothing but how you feel and what you want. You have shown with each post, that you have no regard to her feelings. I do not deny my husband sex when I am angry with him, however, there is a VERY distinct difference between when I am aroused and want to share this intimacy (because it is SHARING), and when I am not. He actually calls it prostitute sex and would rather not do it. I am not going to act like I want you at that time. News flash...I don't, and I refuse to put myself in the running for an Academy Award. And as long as I am upset with you, I am not going to be *emotionally* able to give you what want you. End of story. I will give you what you think you want, but you will realize, you would have been better off not doing it at all. It feels like being raped physically and emotionally. The fact that you cannot or will not accept that for men it is a more physical thing and you can detach as opposed to women where it is suppose to be an emotional thing. Just as you say that is your makeup as a human and a man, that it ours. It is short-sighted and selfish for you to think that she should just forget about her feelings and emotions to satisfy you. Wow. Do you really not feel selfish at all? Can you not see that you are soooo getting more out of this "sharing" than she is. Actually, you are not sharing at all, you are just taking. Incredible.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I have had angry sex with past lovers and honestly it was often fantastic.

I can`t do it with my wife, it never enters my mind when we`re fighting.

Come to think of it we don`t often argue so my opportunities have been few.


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## Ben (May 8, 2011)

Sex cannot be used as reward or punishment it's as simple as that. I havn't used that tactic during the trying times, so why should she?

Sure if shes pissed off about something she is not going to initiate or give a half hour long filthy blowjob, but as far as deliberately withholding sex as a form of punishment because he doesn't agree with her (she would have to be the 'controlling type'), then that is highly wrong.

I would hump her leg and cum on her leg, roll over and say 'well if your going to treat me like a dog then I will act like one'. My smart yet crude Aussie sense of humor would likely shine in such situations


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## Nickitta (May 12, 2011)

The problem with withdrawing from sex when angry is that it could become a sloppery slope. What if one of you is angry about something every day? Make-up sex is actually very therapeutic!


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Personally I kinda like angry sex but it my husband isn't having it. Thankfully we don't argue much so it's a mute point.


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## MissBrittB87 (Mar 15, 2013)

Wow-I know this is a super old thread but I actually joined just to reply! Maybe a lot of women will think I set our gender back a good 75 years, LoL-but I actually firmly agree with Unbelievable and think a lot of people were misreading his posts.

Saying he is putting his wife into the position of acting as a prostitute by physically needing her while she may be angry is a bit much in my opinion. He is obviously a Christian (and I would suspect his wife is as well)-and God does command a wife to submit to her husband and her body is not her own, nor is her husband's his own. So it is not at all unreasonable he should expect those things to apply in his Christian marriage, so I don't think anyone should be criticizing him for that.

I also don't think he is saying he wants sex with her EVERY time they are angry. But if he has attempted to make her feel better after a disagreement and she denies him physical love, it DOES feel like a punishment. Some men show their love in a physical way....and trying to initiate making love can be a way to try and bridge the gap, so to speak. Having that be rejected would be painful. I don't think much would feel worse than feeling unwanted by the person you love most. 

I also disagree very strongly with the tendency many women have of stereotyping men and lumping them all together. I see a lot of "Men can have sex without love or emotions-women can't". Sure, some definitely can! Plenty of women can and do as well! But there are men out there who wouldn't and couldn't have sex with someone they didn't love or have feelings for.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

In our house, there's always a cooling off period after a Major Engagement where I am considered sexually verboten. In fact, just by chance, I'm in one right now. 

All you people who say be 100% honest with your mate? Yeah, screw that. We had an innocent enough conversation where I let it slip that I didn't think her job was as challenging as mine (no, _not_ that I didn't find her work as important and meaningful - get off my back!). That morphed into "you don't respect me". Even though the fight itself is now mostly resolved, the two officially sanctioned possible intercourse days (Sa/Su) are probably still under the aegis of the formal cease fire. 

So yeah, everything in the relationship has to be on the level for some indeterminate time before sex can even be glimpsed on the horizon. Like the wise man said, sex starts in the kitchen, but then it moves to the living room, the garage, and the garden before landing in the bedroom.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

When the issue(s) goes unresolved, this can lead to a sexless marriage, resentment builds and then everything falls apart. So sayeth the guy whose had sex once this year and maybe 10 times in the last 5 years. Who knew I would basically be celibate after turning 40.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Too much generalizations.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

tobio said:


> I have been posting about a recent problem me and my OH had and touched upon the fact that because of his attitude towards my feelings, I did not feel the desire to be intimate with him if he had tried to initiate.
> 
> When me and him experience difficulties in our relationship, and I feel like my needs are not important to him, belittled, unimportant, sidelined, I withdraw. Sex for me is something I share with the most important person in my life. When that person acts like they do not care about my feelings, I do not want to have sex with them. Not as a punishment; it is me putting up a protective wall, giving myself distance. The act of sex when under such stress to me feels empty and devoid of meaning and I think it sends mixed messages for me to feel the way I do then say, hey, but let's have sex.
> 
> ...


My take:

How does he treat you / would you like to be treated if the tables were turned? What if after an argument he gave you the cold shoulder emotionally, not do the special things you like, decided to go fishing or to the bar for a couple of nights, etc.?

The "Golden Rule" applies - big time. Sex is not different from other relationship interactions - at least not to him. You might feel avoiding sex (but interacting otherwise) is okay given the vulnerability inherent in sex. 

It's likely he does not want to give you what you want when you've made him unhappy. Holding back sex will cause this attitude to come out. And, it's not driven by feeling punished (as suggested earlier). It's really a respect / "love tank' issue.

So, I'm not saying you have to have sex with him when you are feeling unconnected. But you do have to accept that you reap what you sow. Making the effort to meet his need even when you don't feel like it will make him try harder for you. Holding back will cause him to hold back.


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