# Friends more than lovers......Help!!!



## mazb23 (Mar 11, 2018)

Hi all
This is my first time on here so totally new to this but really desperate to hear from anyone in a similar situation to me. I am married to my husband for almost 2 years now and together for 6 before that. He is a wonderful, caring, reliable partner who adores me. We have no children. When I met him I had come out of a relationship that left me heartbroken. He seemed to be exactly what I needed. And me for him too. We are complete opposites. I am outgoing, adventurous and very social. He is quiet, a real homebody and does not really have many hobbies or interests besides sport. So here is the thing, since we started dating, the sex has never been good. Never spontaneous. always planned. Never adventurous (always missionary) and never really left me satisfied. Over the years I begged and pleaded with him for us to do it more or in different positions to the point of crying and he would tell me that he just wasn't into sex. He was very inexperienced in comparison to me which was a big part of the problem but also finds it very difficult to maintain an erection and never orgasms. Now I know what you might be thinking, why did I go ahead with the marriage knowing this. Well I guess I loved him and hoped that it would get better but in fact it has gotten worse. At the moment we have not had sex in over 4months. We were away on a trip 4 months ago and the first day we tried to have sex (bearing in mind we hadn't had it for 2 months before that) and he could not get hard. So obviously I feel like I must not be attractive to him. He has never masturbated in his life he says and has only started recently on advisement from a sex therapist we went to see. He now begs me to come to the bedroom and while I feel like a cow I don't want to. There is zero spark there. And I feel it will only end the same as it always does, with a failed attempt and both of us feeling like crap about it. I fantasise about other men and yet I have no drive for my husband. We feel more like friends who live together and kiss occasionally and while I love him I don't feel like I am in love with him anymore. It is really getting me down about what I should do as I am totally miserable with it all. I don't think I can live like this and while he is trying to fix things now I don't know if I want to anymore. 
Advice from anyone who has been in a similar situation would be amazingly helpful and if anyone has questions please ask.......Apologies for the lengthy post....
M


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

mazb23 said:


> He was very inexperienced in comparison to me which was a big part of the problem but also finds it very difficult to maintain an erection and never orgasms.
> M


I was on your husband's side of a very similar situation. There was no solution. The psychological pain of being there caused me to completely avoid my wife after a year or so. I could orgasm either by masturbation or with her, and I could maintain an erection only for a few minutes. I didn't have a physical problem, only psychological. 

I felt that if I was given a chance, I could learn ways to make the experience better for her, but I also felt that I would never measure up to her prior men, and that she would never be really happy with me. The term "alpha widow" was something I didn't know at the time, but quite adequately described our problem.

I can tell you this..... I would have been delighted if my wife just ended the marriage and allowed me to find someone that I had some possibility of making her happy. However, neither of us believed that divorce was right before God, so neither of us made "the first move". 

My advice would be this. You are stating here that you really do not want to remain in your marriage. Your husband cannot truly solve this problem. If he is anything like me, he will never (NEVER) feel good about himself while this situation exists between you, he may never overcome the psychological injury that he has received, even if he were to remarry. I have carried mine into two more marriages.



mazb23 said:


> He seemed to be exactly what I needed. And me for him too.


This was precisely true for us, also. The marriage ruined everything.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I'm sorry to be the bearer of more depressing thoughts but sexual incompatibilities are extremely difficult to fix. I love my wife very much, but in 30 years we have not made a dent in our incompatibility. I want passion, excitement, variety and sex a few times a week. She wants to do the same thing once every couple of weeks and thinks that if both of us get off, it was good sex. 

Its not her fault, that is just what sex is to her. 

It likely has NOTHING to do with your not being attractive to him - he just doesn't want much sex. there is an interesting site at asexual.org that discusses more extreme cases of this.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

uhtred said:


> It likely has NOTHING to do with your not being attractive to him


Uhtred has it exactly right. It had nothing to do with my wife's attractiveness, it was only that my response to her sexiness was quashed by feelings of inferiority.

I don't know if you want to fix it, but if you do, let me suggest something that I think will help. Go to God. Ask Him to help you heal and make your marriage what He wants it to be. Ask Him to provide your husband's needs through you. Then, go back into that bedroom, at least every other day. Stop fantasizing about other men, and put the outcome totally into God's hands.

I firmly believe that if my wife would have done this, the outcome of our family would have been remarkably different.


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

This is a tough one, because you can only ever improve yourself. Changing someone else is a very difficult, and most times, impossible task. Never put more effort into someone then they put into it themselves.

With that said... He clearly has some type of issue with sexuality. Could it be porn? I know porn damaged my early life 

*You could try buying him a book to read:* The Married Man Sex Life Primer
It is very useful for husbands BUT only those receptive to change... IF he thinks everything is OK he will not read it, or implement anything.

You filing for divorce/separation might spark something in him to change... but you may have already checked out if you are force to go that far... 

Goodluck


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I think all things can be improved with time and effort. The question though is how much. At this rate, if you had penetrative sex for one minute every three and a half months - that would technically be a major improvement. ...but would it be adequate?


Going from anorgasmic, awkward, fumbling and ultimately failing sex every several months to a passionate, uninhibited, vigorous and satisfying sex every week or so is a huge leap.

*Can* it be done? Perhaps. Humans have walked on the moon with enough time, effort and money. 

If you both devoted many hours of the day transforming yourselves into different people, spent multiple thousands of dollars and a number of hours per week on therapy and possibly undergo medical tests and hormonal treatments etc etc, you might be one of the lucky few that manage to at least have some somewhat satisfying sex now and then. 

The problem is he has issues that makes him sexually inert and that affects his desire for you and his willingness/ability to seduce and satisfy you. 

And you have lost confidence, respect and desire for him. 

He would have to transform into a virile and sexually assertive person that can perform. Ajd would also have to transform into someone that your respect and are attracted to. 

And you would have to transform into someone that he finds attractive and willing to put forth that effort for. 

The question really isn't 'can' it be done; the real question is do you want to spend that kind of time, energy and money on the chance that it 'might' be done. 



Only you can answer that question.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

If you live him and he lives you, this can be overcome.
It may take many "naked showers" together.

The question is do you want to commit to some months of trying.
Two years isn't a long time to be married even if you've been together six plus.

This isn't impossible to fix but it would take a conscious commitment to decide to try for there to be a good chance to be successful. 
If there are improvements in his trying that may be a step forward. But you have to communicate clearly together.


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