# handling wife who does not care about appearance



## huskyfan (Feb 6, 2012)

My wife of 15 years could care less about the way she looks- Since we got married- she put on at least 50-60 pounds. She never makes an effort to fix herself up when she goes out- I have very little attraction to her at all - how does one approach this?
I'm not shallow- I want to be attracted but am not


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

I understand looks can be important, and maybe she has gotten comfortable in the marriage, and therefore thats why she has maybe let herself go. 

However, you said your wife of 15 years could care less about the way she looks, so shes always been like this? Do you know if she suffers from any medical issues, or depression? Do you all have kids?


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## huskyfan (Feb 6, 2012)

We have 3 girls and that worries me since I see them taking "queues" from her (I'm the only male in the house)- I take care of myself and workout daily.... Other people have noticed as well. Also it's depressing when you show your kids pictures of mom and dad from years ago and they sometimes do not recognize her- how does one approach this?


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

You might could present it from a health point of view. As in try to get her to see this could be affecting her health, show genuine concern. I would suggest her seeing a doctor to rule out any medical issues, or depression first. It could be she just got comfortable and let her self go. BUT she still needs to understand, not only is this affecting your marriage but could affect her health as well.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

This ground gets covered ... frequently.

And the nature of the advice distinctly falls into two camps.

Gentle, supportive, communicative, and encouraging without being confrontational or setting expectations ...

And ...

Being straightforward, no less honest, and potentially far more volatile.

Bottom line, is her disinterest in maintaining some semblence of positve health and appearance enough to make you put the marriage on the line?

If you are, then she needs to understand that. Just as you will need to understand that she may want to dump you believing your are a shallow, selfish, jerk.

Ultimately, it comes down to what you BOTH want, and what you are BOTH willing to do ... or not do ... to preserve the marriage.


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## Cogo123 (Jan 5, 2012)

I am dealing with the same thing but it's my husband who doesn't care. He is very overweight and wears what is comfortable. That is fine to be comfortable but not sloppy.
I have asked him to walk with me but not happening
So huskyfan I feel your pain. I do not know if there is a right answer. Let me know what you decide to do. I have tried the health approach but that didn't work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Deejo said:


> This ground gets covered ... frequently.
> 
> And the nature of the advice distinctly falls into two camps.
> 
> ...


The difference is with option #1 your wife doesn't want to kill you and you can go forward or backward at your leisure.

With option #2, once you put it out there there's no return. You in essence, are forcing sh*t into the fan. And there's many chances she may in fact reach the end, but the means kill off any chance of her enjoying it (and then by extension, you get no fulfillment from it).

I'd try option #1 first, and if nothing happens and you decide something HAS to change and soon, then you be more direct.


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

Yes you are shallow..... Embrace it...... I am too, and don't deny it. I am not over the top and understand and appreciate the aging in all of us.

Deejo's advise sounds great in practice, but in reality, who knows? Unfortunately if this is the result of 15 years marriage and her comfort, good luck. 

Worry about yourself and your daughters health and lifestyle choices.

I am lucky that I still look and feel lust when I see my wife. Others are not so lucky.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Fitness and appearance are non-negotiable terms for me.

If I met someone who was fit, and within a few years, simply 'let themselves go', and had no interest in trying to reverse course ... I'd be gone, without question.

I have tried dating non-athletic women ... just doesn't work for me. Lovely women, but I'm simply not attracted over the long term.

If her decline has been over the long term, that inherently carries the weight of your consent and acknowledgment. 

You're in a tough spot.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Deejo said:


> Fitness and appearance are non-negotiable terms for me.
> 
> If I met someone who was fit, and within a few years, simply 'let themselves go', and had no interest in trying to reverse course ... I'd be gone, without question.
> 
> ...


I agree with you especially if it's a need for you. But on the flip side, it's been years and years and it doesn't sound like he's done much to address it (at least in the proper manner).

You can't undo 20 years of habits in one conversation. I think if you've sat on something that long you owe it to your partner to give them a gentle nudge before you give them an ultimatum. You can always escalate something if you don't see results, but once you make a serious statement about it you can't really go back. I wouldn't do anything like saying "drop 50 or I'm out" unless you're at the breaking point and you mean it, and only if I'd tried other less aggressive ways first.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

I also believe appearances matter.

But WHY doesn't she care? Does she have no self-love?

I live rural...I grow herbs/vegetables/fruit for selling at a local market.

I can go a week without leaving my property but everyday...
I get some activity, watch what i eat, dress suitably but still tidy and clean, wrangle my hair into something presentable, pop on some earrings and some lipgloss... you get my drift!

I do it not for my hubby or for anyone else... I do it for me!
Because i'm worth it and it makes me feel good.

The only time I stopped all this was when i was feeling tired and unhappy with life...


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## Template (Aug 2, 2011)

Check out Married Man Sex Life. There is a thread devoted to this very issue.
Check out My Fat Spouse. The entire site is devoted to this issue.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

waiwera said:


> I also believe appearances matter.
> 
> But WHY doesn't she care? Does she have no self-love?
> 
> ...


Maybe this is it - defines herself and her self-worth via home / children / w.h.y. and there's nothing about _*her*_ left in the mix.


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## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

Template said:


> Check out Married Man Sex Life. There is a thread devoted to this very issue.
> Check out My Fat Spouse. The entire site is devoted to this issue.


I think i'll go there and vent :smthumbup:


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Template said:


> Check out Married Man Sex Life. There is a thread devoted to this very issue.
> Check out My Fat Spouse. The entire site is devoted to this issue.


MMSL really helped me. I had tried absolutely everything to encourage my wife to lose weight, including saying nothing but how beautiful she was (and nothing about weight). This went on for years! Once I started with Athol's MAP things improved almost instantly. Typically it takes a few months, from what I've read, but we had almost overnight success--though I had been doing a couple of things already, without knowing it. 

I don't agree with everything he says, because I'm coming from a Christian perspective, but some of his points are excellent. Also, be very careful about issuing ultimatums. They are very likely to generate resentment. I did not do it in my own marriage.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I'm the wife. I use to run 36 miles a week, broke my neck, gained weight, lost most of it and now I'm struck with another major health issue. I'm so distraught that I can not get on my stationary bike. Last month I spent 5 nights in the hospital due to a kidney infection. I have been in bed since. I get up to cook, clean what I can and take care of the kids when hubby is not home. I put on a couple pounds in the last month. This is killing me inside. Sometimes we can't help it. At least I can still fit into my jeans!

I've got the motivation to exercise. Even as I lay in bed, but it's a price of pain I'm not willing to pay. If I have sex and move too much, I'm up all night in unbearable pain. My body aches. My spleen is inflammed, so my blood levels are off making my arms and legs ache. I feel so bad for my husband who has to see me in my pj's this last month. He still finds me desirable and I thank the lord for that. My drive is in overdrive even feeling like death. 

My husband has stood by my side this entire time. Lately he has made extra efforts to make me feel better. I don't look very good either, I do look sick. I'm so grateful to have such a wonderful husband. He has been working so hard with taking care of me, the kids, and work. Now that is love. <3 I would be very depressed if he wasn't in my life.

For those able to exercise and eat healthly can only do it themselves and want to. It's a major life change of eating and preparing healthly foods. My husband is a triathlete who races in ironmans. I make 95% our foods from scratch. I use whole wheats, grains, fresh grown vegatables, sprouts, and we raise our own chickens for eggs. We limit our snacks for the kids school. I do make homemade pies, bread, and we do keep chocolate in the house, but use in limited quantities. It takes both husband and wife to change eating habits. If you keep the snacks out of the house, your less willing to eat it. We never eat fast food either.

If your worried about your wife's health, try exercising together. Walking together is a very good start. Nagging and pointing fingers will only build resentment and start fights. Good luck,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Endgame (Nov 6, 2011)

Now that my 20 year marriage is over, I have been spending time reflecting on those years and asking myself why I had changed from a happy, easy going, fun loving gal, to one that became tired and worn out with life, allowing weight to come on and just be content with who I had become. I transformed into someone that I now see was not healthy in all areas of my life. Physically, mentally and spiritually. I personally believe there was an expectation that was placed upon me by my ex to be, act, dress and perform in a manner that I just couldn't be. I believe he wanted to transform me away from what I was, and I became something neither one of us cared to see or be.

Now, that I'm free from the judgement and criticism, I am beginning to become the true person that I always thought I was. My happiness and joyfulness are finding their way back, as well as my healthier eating habits, along with daily exercise.

I said all of this to make this statement, if your wife has changed in a way that you find unappropriate, it may be time to take a look in the mirror and ask yourself some hard questions about how you treat her and if you value her as a human being and not just a possession of yours to have and do with as you please. Maybe change begins with yourself, and your wife may soon follow. Show her respect, and treat her the way you did when you dated her. Maybe she no longer feels special.

That's just my perspective.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Having 3 pregnancies + getting older can make it difficult for someone to lose weight and/or get back into slim shape (sometimes pregnancy just changes a person's body, and even weight loss doesn't allow for things springing back to their previous form).

Have you had any discussions with her about her weight? How does she feel about it? Has she tried diets with no success and is tired of trying? Does she buy lots of junk food for the home rather than healthier food?

Have you tried to get the whole family into some sort of sporty activity, like biking or hiking on weekends, swimming at the Y, anything?


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## lake lora (Feb 13, 2012)

Maybe you could get your kids involved and get her a make over or a gift certificate to a salon. You could tell her that you know she is busy but you want her to have a chance to focus on herself. The girls could help encourage her to keep herself up as well. They could suggest that she go shopping for cosmetic supplies with them or something of that nature. If she has a really close female friend, you could ask them to help you arrange this as well.


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## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

> Nagging and pointing fingers will only build resentment and start fights.


I agree


IDK... any way you approach this, it's gonna be interpreted in the wrong manner. 

This is a doozie


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## lake lora (Feb 13, 2012)

Your're right, JustaJerk. It seems that only true honesty is the only way to approach this.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

could she be depressed?

not taking care of yourself and not caring what you look like are signs of depression.

dose she brush her teeth and do proper hygene. or is she just getting heavier because of lifestyle?


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## CantBeJustMe (Jan 27, 2012)

So have you always worked and taken care of yourself, as far as physical fitness is concerned or is this something you started recently? If you just started working out again, keep it up and see if she notices the change in you. Many times she will want to follow suit. 

How long did this weight gain take, was it gradual?

You are in a bit of a different situation, since you are taking care of yourself.

Is her family large? Do they have any health issues?

What about your sex life? If you are still showing interest in her, she may think it’s perfectly fine.

Has she been to the Doctor lately to get a check up? Hormonal or other physical issues that could be contributing to this?

After you look through those, you might want to check if there is a history of mental illness or depression in her family.

I just started working out again last week. Every day before work, we joined the local YMCA, and I’ve definitely noticed the difference in how I act and how I feel. I was college athlete at one time, I can’t believe how out of shape I let myself get, and when I tell people that I need to drop some weight they look at me like I’m nuts. The culture of being large is firmly rooted. Luckily for me, my wife has been spurred to working out since I’ve started and she’s seen how it effect my energy level and everything else. She’s always expressed desire to lose weight (I still think she’s smoking hot and she knows it) but if SHE is not comfortable with herself, it’s not going to matter what you think. Took me a long time to realize that.

Explore all the options, medical and otherwise. Then tell her you are concerned about her health. And please don’t let your children get large that young. I wouldn’t compromise on the children, once they are in that pattern it’s so hard to get out of it.

Good luck.

And to the woman who ran 36 miles a week and her husband does triathlons...must be nice. My knees hurt when I think, much less run, and my feet are flat as boards after a stint in the military. It takes A LOT more time on a stationary bike to get the same workout as running. I’m doing hill training every day, sometimes twice a day, 30-35 minutes at a pop, and I still wish I could run.


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## MrWombat (Feb 16, 2012)

CallaLily said:


> You might could present it from a health point of view.


This never works. It's transparent, and opens you up for the reply "I'll take my chances".

Your wife will never lose the weight for so long as she is married to you. Sorry, man, it's just statistics. She has her meal ticket, and someone to feed, clothe and house her kids. That's all that matters.

If ever _does_ start seriously shedding pounds, get a lawyer and a private detective - cause she will be filing for divorce.


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## SecondTimesTheCharm (Dec 30, 2011)

MrWombat said:


> This never works. It's transparent, and opens you up for the reply "I'll take my chances".
> 
> Your wife will never lose the weight for so long as she is married to you. Sorry, man, it's just statistics. She has her meal ticket, and someone to feed, clothe and house her kids. That's all that matters.
> 
> If ever _does_ start seriously shedding pounds, get a lawyer and a private detective - cause she will be filing for divorce.


I completely agree with the above...my first wife gained almost 100 pounds following marriage (and we were only married six years with no children!). The only time that she signaled an interest to finally lose weight was after attending an Overeaters Anonymous class and they brainwashed her so much that she declared to me after her first meeting "First I'm going to lose weight and then I'm going to divorce you."

Well, that was all I needed to hear...over the next 4 months, although I didn't have half as much to lose as she did, I dropped 30+ pounds and filed for divorce. In the same time period, she lost MAYBE 10 pounds and did not want the divorce, but after 17 months the divorce was finally over.

Within a month from separating, I was dating a woman who was more educated, 100 pounds less, almost a decade younger and much better in bed than my first wife.

I would date A LOT over the next couple years before finally meeting my second wife who takes far greater care of her personal appearance than my first wife ever did.


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