# Help me understand her



## Intotheeunknown (4 mo ago)

First time poster/new member but I have no one to talk to for advice so I'm reaching out to strangers.

A few nights ago my wife(30f) and I(28m)were getting frisky in bed and she told me she wanted to use a toy(which isn't abnormal). She pulls out the one toy that we have used 2 times previously(both times she told me she doesn't like it and it's uncomfortable). I mention that she said she doesn't like it and she tells me she used it on her self while I was out of town.....
Now this may sound normal to most but let's discuss our history.
We've been together for 12 years, married for 5. She's admitted that previous to our relationship she has pleased her self but through our relationship she hasn't seen the need to supposedly. She hasn't had a very high sex drive in general and 1 once every 1 to 2 weeks was normal for us. Always initiated by me. 
We have 3 kids. 4, 3 and 6mo.
He sex drive has stayed the same through out pregnancy and between them. The last child we had some complications during pregnancy so we were on a no sex restriction. I never had been one to masturbate regularly so I told my wife if she can't climax then I won't either and she liked that. She felt I was being selfless which I was. So last child is born and the last 4 months or so my wife sex drive has been very high some time 5 time a week and she initiating most of the time. Life is great.

Fast forward to now. 
She opens up about using it while I was out of town on my brother Inlaw's bachelor party. I ask her why and she tells me she was bored. So no big deal. 
Where I find issue is whe did this the weekend she found out she was pregnant. Which was before the complicated pregnancy and I vowed to not self please which I hadn't done in years while she had done it herself and didn't tell me. 
So with this new discovery I start digging and asking questions. I ask if she's done it any other time. She said yes one other time when I was home downstairs working(that didn't make me feel any better)
I ask if she's done it any more and she says "with that no" so I ask any thing else and she openly admits that she reads erotic books and will tease her self when I'm home. 

So my ego is blown. I already don't feel comfortable with my self and she now feels ashamed which she shouldn't but I also feel like I'm not able to please her but she says I do. Well if I do why can't she just tell me to come upstairs. I'd much rather bang my wife then work. Would she rather please her self then bang her husband?

Some one help me. Either validate me or tell me why I'm wrong. Thanks


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I’m a little confused…. Your wife for several months after your last child has been wanting sex 5 times a week. It’s been great.
What’s the problem again? I’m unsure.

If your wife likes her toys now and is giving you lots more sex than ever before as a result, again, what’s the problem?

Are you worried she’s going to only want the toy? Is she watching a lot of porn, getting herself off, and excluding you? If so, yes it’s a problem. Could you clarify?


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

You’re wrong. Everyone masturbates. Let her be. Your going to kill her drive completely. You are only having sex 2x/month? Of course she self pleasing. If you claim you don’t masturbate and you are only giving it to her twice a month, you are low drive and she’s self pleasing. This is on you, bud. Now she’s ashamed. Bad move.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

You are going about this COMPLETELY the wrong way and you are about to completely distroy the fact that your wife is having open communication with you about sexuality.
You are not in competition with a sex toy.
Your insecurities are going to get the best of you and make your wife not want to talk about these things with.

You are assigning shame where none is due.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Have you asked her yet if she can come to you instead of masturbating? 

I'm guessing you don't appreciate her lying to you since you both went on a masturbation hiatus. I'm curious why she wanted you to stop masturbating but then she did it herself. maybe I'm just understanding that incorrectly. Maybe you just offered that? I am unsure.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Ok I have a question. You said YOU volunteered not to orgasm during sex if she didn't.

Did she tell you that you weren't allowed? Did she ask you not to masturbate?
Cause it seems like you assumed because you volunteered and she accepted that you assumed she didn't either. 

Your story DID NOT seem like she imposed that on you.

Please correct me if I'm wrong.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Female perspective, here. Sometimes, you just want to do it yourself. 🤷‍♀️

And it isn’t that she doesn’t find your “skills” satisfying because you’re having what seems to be, frequent enough sex. (5x per week?) She’s initiating with you sometimes five times per week, so that’s a positive.

You don’t own your wife’s sexuality and she doesn’t own yours. In my mind, you both don’t need to report these things to each other. If you had a dead sex life, yes, that would be cause for alarm. But you have a healthy sex life so to interrogate her about this is kind of out there to me.

But, that’s just my opinion.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Anastasia6 said:


> Ok I have a question. You said YOU volunteered not to orgasm during sex if she didn't.
> 
> Did she tell you that you weren't allowed? Did she ask you not to masturbate?
> Cause it seems like you assumed because you volunteered and she accepted that you assumed she didn't either.
> ...


All true.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

So I postulate this is a prime example of how lack of sex can make people nuts. Because not much is making sense. Wow.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

She probably just wants to get off sometimes easy and without having to reciprocate, just sometimes. 

You know urges come and go. You can't expect saving them up to release later to work.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

OP, sorry if I missed it…but do you masturbate?


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

I’m a woman, leave her be. You both need to really loosen up on this. Actually it should be turning you on. Visualize. Masturbation can be a form of foreplay, on one’s self. As long as she’s not withholding sex from you this can be a very good thing.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I would be excited if my wife was getting off by herself with any type of toy as long as she’s bringing some of that energy back to me.

She told me she did go solo occasionally when I was away on business trips and I was relieved by that news.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I'm a woman and my thought is that if I had a toy that I wasn't SURE if I'd like it, or I wanted to try to like it but didn't really know how to use it--I don't want to look like an idiot. So I might try alone a little until I felt like I had the hang of it and understood if it worked for me or didn't. 

For me, the largest sex organ is the mind, and if my mind isn't in it, you could be 'Captain American' live and in person and it wouldn't make any difference. I personally think she's doing this to help her mind be "turned on" which then turns into her being ready, willing, and available with you.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Intotheeunknown said:


> First time poster/new member but I have no one to talk to for advice so I'm reaching out to strangers.
> 
> A few nights ago my wife(30f) and I(28m)were getting frisky in bed and she told me she wanted to use a toy(which isn't abnormal). She pulls out the one toy that we have used 2 times previously(both times she told me she doesn't like it and it's uncomfortable). I mention that she said she doesn't like it and she tells me she used it on her self while I was out of town.....
> Now this may sound normal to most but let's discuss our history.
> ...


What????


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

You get laid 5 times a week and are upset if she flies solo? Dude, that is such a hot image. I’ve told my wife I’d love to find her self-pleasing one day or wake to the soft whir of her using a vibe. Sounds like your wife enjoys sex, orgasms, etc. Go with it!


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

You sound like a skirt with all this nonsense drama.

You have a wife with a high sex drive and THREE kids - she's a freakin' unicorn and you're whining about her masturbating occasionally? Good lord.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Sounds like your wife is being very open and honest with you. Do not screw that up by shaming her in any way, otherwise she will keep things to herself and not talk openly to you. Erotic stories have a way of exciting people, especially when they imagine themselves in the story and masturbation at that point is pretty common. You have a high drive wife that most husbands would give their left nut for. Put your ego aside and count your blessings brother and enjoy her.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Looks like a drive by


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Are you jealous? This may sound ridiculous but I’m totally serious. I sleep with a long body pillow between my legs, my knees essentially due to back issues. I remember one night my husband getting extremely agitated because I quote “giving it all up to the pillow.”

I said “what?” He was serious too.

My point is don’t be ridiculous and pin YOUR insecurity on your wife. Come on now.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> Are you jealous? This may sound ridiculous but I’m totally serious. I sleep with a long body pillow between my legs, my knees essentially due to back issues. I remember one night my husband getting extremely agitated because I quote “giving it all up to the pillow.”
> 
> I said “what?” He was serious too.
> 
> My point is don’t be ridiculous and pin YOUR insecurity on your wife. Come on now.


I try to play the roll of my wife's body pill every night


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I try to play to roll of my wife's body pill every night


Nothing wrong with that! Lok


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> Are you jealous? This may sound ridiculous but I’m totally serious. I sleep with a long body pillow between my legs, my knees essentially due to back issues. I remember one night my husband getting extremely agitated because I quote “giving it all up to the pillow.”
> 
> I said “what?” He was serious too.
> 
> My point is don’t be ridiculous and pin YOUR insecurity on your wife. Come on now.


Is that why the pillow was smiling? Lol


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> Are you jealous? This may sound ridiculous but I’m totally serious. I sleep with a long body pillow between my legs, my knees essentially due to back issues. I remember one night my husband getting extremely agitated because I quote “giving it all up to the pillow.”
> 
> I said “what?” He was serious too.
> 
> My point is don’t be ridiculous and pin YOUR insecurity on your wife. Come on now.


So you weren't giving it all up to the pillow?


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

uwe.blab said:


> So you weren't giving it all up to the pillow?


What I didn’t know then was that was him projecting onto me. For years he swore he never masterbated, it was dumb, he always lied anytime the subject came up. I never believed him but just went along with it because I didn’t want to make him uncomfortable. You could tell he was.

Anyways, turns out he did, by jumping/grinding on a bed and or pillow. Hence the night he got mad about me going to bed (just like I always did) and was literally being stupid over it. It sounds ridiculous and it absolutely was, but it happened. I would have never laid next to my husband and got off on the pillow I used to separate my knees and relieve back pressure. It was dumb and still this day don’t understand the why he was mad, it was just some ridiculous drunkard insecurity that he had is all I can chalk it up to.

He was allowed to do it but I wasn’t or I was keeping ‘his’ V away from him and letting an inanimate object have it? Absurd lol. Like I can’t even now trying to explain it. Lots of things I put up with I shouldn’t have in my former marriage but it might as well be water under the bridge.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

Ok, so you were surprised by some revelations about her sexuality. Get it, can make one nervous and insecure. Don't chase her off though obsessing about why. Instead try and be willing partner and explore some new fun with her. She probably tried to tell you at some time, either verbally or physically but you didn't get it. You have a unicorn of a woman right now, so enjoy it! Just because she has, out of a perceived shame, not told you about how often she masturbates or read erotic literature, doesn't mean she's cheating on you! I'm sure that this thought has injected itself into your frail mind. Man up and get busy with your lady...maybe time you wore her ass out for once.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

TinyTbone said:


> Ok, so you were surprised by some revelations about her sexuality. Get it, can make one nervous and insecure. Don't chase her off though obsessing about why. Instead try and be willing partner and explore some new fun with her. She probably tried to tell you at some time, either verbally or physically but you didn't get it. You have a unicorn of a woman right now, so enjoy it! Just because she has, out of a perceived shame, not told you about how often she masturbates or read erotic literature, doesn't mean she's cheating on you! I'm sure that this thought has injected itself into your frail mind. Man up and get busy with your lady...maybe time you wore her ass out for once.


As this poster states, a unicorn. Wonder if she's off reading some literature I've written HAHAHA. Writing erotica used to be an outlet for me. I very seldom do that anymore, but I used to. It was expressive of what I couldn't express to my husband at the time sadly. Nothing crazy, more romance than erotica. Don't be shaming her for sharing man, that's a nugget right there that she felt secure enough for you to be a safe place.


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## Frankie J (4 mo ago)

Intotheeunknown said:


> First time poster/new member but I have no one to talk to for advice so I'm reaching out to strangers.
> 
> A few nights ago my wife(30f) and I(28m)were getting frisky in bed and she told me she wanted to use a toy(which isn't abnormal). She pulls out the one toy that we have used 2 times previously(both times she told me she doesn't like it and it's uncomfortable). I mention that she said she doesn't like it and she tells me she used it on her self while I was out of town.....
> Now this may sound normal to most but let's discuss our history.
> ...


She is a woman no-one will understand her . Lol 
Stop trying


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