# Knowing it's "Over" over



## struggle (May 13, 2013)

Feeling anxious and tired today.

Part of it is my Nyquil hangover... I caught that nasty virus that causes one side of your glands to swell and then a corresponding ear ache. I didn't sleep very well Monday night due to the pain, but I was ready for it last night. Didn't even hit the gym after work, which is weird for me. But I had to hit that virus hard 

But more than that I just feel like I have to tell my X it's over. We're not going to "try" to get back together. If he cannot emotionally fulfill me now, then he never will. Not even two days after having the talk about trying to work it out did he go back to his old tactics (in another thread). He's continued to be too busy for me all week, and you know what...f*ck it. It's not like he's an important business man...he's a maintenance guy for God's sakes!! A glorified freaking janitor. *done* I just got a raise...I'm now just under the VP of the company....I'm moving up in my career and the world is my oyster. Watch my *ss walk away as I now get to make choices for myself. 

The money is not going to keep give me stress anymore. I just wanted to be fair, but he's making it hard for me because he doesn't realllllly want to keep up his end. He kept over half of the photography equipment and was being super selfish with that, even though my income paid for at least half of it. I didn't want to fight over it. Now he's supposed to be making payments for his half of our debt (which honestly is not a whole lot, but it's OURs...why should I be the only one paying?). I almost want to get a lawyer to deal with this, but it almost wouldn't be worth it considering the amount of $$, but just to make him man-up could be fun to see.

Ugh I'm just tired and anxious...and I want to go box or something....and I don't know how to box.....

Obviously I still care....or I wouldn't be feeling this way. I keep trying to figure out why I'm anxious...I really am just anxious for him to keep up his end of the agreement....not so much about losing him. Is that bad?

Should I just not care of he pays? Or should I keep texting and reminding him and just hope he does? I'm confused today.


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## Help Me Choose (Mar 4, 2014)

Hi, Struggle
Your x does sound so unfair.It does seem that this is what happens when we breakup. it sounds like he is not going to keep the photo equipment deal fair but if it was me i would ask once more then forget it, if he wants to be an a$$ then let him. I find it is easier to give advice when it is not my partership problem:smthumbup:


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

He should indeed be paying his half of the marital debt.

It is unfortunate that you expect someone else to be able to emotionally fulfill you.

I wonder if you being a smashing success and him being only "a glorified janitor" in your eyes has anything to do with that situation?


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## struggle (May 13, 2013)

spun said:


> He should indeed be paying his half of the marital debt.
> 
> It is unfortunate that you expect someone else to be able to emotionally fulfill you.
> 
> I wonder if you being a smashing success and him being only "a glorified janitor" in your eyes has anything to do with that situation?


Maybe I'm wrong but what is the point of a relationship then if there's no emotional fulfillment from the other person? So he can call me whenever he wants, and I am just like 'oh..ok..whatever you want.....' My co-dependency issues caused us not to have boundaries, for him to turn situations around on me, and basically treat me however he wants because there were no consequences for anything, I'd try to set a line and he would just walk over it and look at me like "why are you mad?" Who wants a relationship like that? I would think with no emotional fulfillment I might as well be single and just playing the field. I thought I was doing good by making a decision that I'm NOT ok being treated this way. If I'm understanding your statement correctly....

He was a glorified janitor when I married him, and I didn't care. I can say that now because he's saying one thing and doing another, and acts like he's so busy and put out all the time, that he doesn't have time for anything else. I'm calling bullsh*t. Did it have anything to do with the separation...NOPE....does it have something to do with the situation now....YUP. 

And I AM a smashing success....thanks for noticing


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

struggle said:


> Feeling anxious and tired today.
> 
> Part of it is my Nyquil hangover... I caught that nasty virus that causes one side of your glands to swell and then a corresponding ear ache. I didn't sleep very well Monday night due to the pain, but I was ready for it last night. Didn't even hit the gym after work, which is weird for me. But I had to hit that virus hard
> 
> ...


Struggle, I think you have a lot of expectations and they aren't being met. This is contributing to your anxiety. I understand this about expectations and needs. May I suggest you read "Awareness" by Anthony De Mello? I promise it will help change your perspective on things, and get your focus on you and your "awakening" where it belongs. You seem to have a lot of expectations about him emotionally fulfilling you. You should be doing that on your own.

Please read. I think the book will change your paradaigm. Other than that, I hope you feel better.

HL


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## struggle (May 13, 2013)

I'm really confused. What emotional expectations am I putting on my X that are not appropriate? 
If he says he wants to work on things....what am I supposed to be expecting? I wouldn't expect the cold shoulder...


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

struggle said:


> I'm really confused. What emotional expectations am I putting on my X that are not appropriate?
> If he says he wants to work on things....what am I supposed to be expecting? I wouldn't expect the cold shoulder...


Expectations (on anyone) are the key to misery. Dropping expectations of other people, including your X is your key to emotional freedom. Struggles, please read the book (it's a short read) and you will see what I mean.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

struggle said:


> I'm really confused. What emotional expectations am I putting on my X that are not appropriate?
> If he says he wants to work on things....what am I supposed to be expecting? I wouldn't expect the cold shoulder...


He can contribute to your happiness or unhappiness, but ultimately no one has the type of control over you to make you happy or unhappy.

Are you a happy person? He can't make you happy, only you can.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

struggle said:


> I'm really confused. What emotional expectations am I putting on my X that are not appropriate?
> If he says he wants to work on things....what am I supposed to be expecting? I wouldn't expect the cold shoulder...


It all comes down to what you are and are not OK with.

Set your boundary. "I'm not longer OK waiting around for you decide whether you are going to work on our marriage. If you can't begin working with me on our relationship with the guidance of a counselor, I need to move forward and file for divorce".

Then go dark. And wait for his response.

What he does with it is up to him. You have stated your wishes and how you will proceed.


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## struggle (May 13, 2013)

Pictureless said:


> He can contribute to your happiness or unhappiness, but ultimately no one has the type of control over you to make you happy or unhappy.
> 
> Are you a happy person? He can't make you happy, only you can.


I don't know how to answer this question. 

I could say "yes" because in general I AM a happy person. I smile a lot, I joke a lot, I'm friendly, I dislike confrontation and drama. I have moved my life in a positive direction by going to the gym, working on hobbies and making plans for my future. I've worked hard at my career and gotten some reward for that.

Can I say I'm happy right now when the man I've given so much to, and actually decided to give another chance, has just blatently blown me off and basically said "we're going to reconcile MY way". Repeating behavior parallel with his manipulative narcissitic tendencies? No - I'm not freakin' happy about that. I want him to give a crap about my feelings. I was actually expecting him to care about my feelings, which apparently is wrong to have any expectations about anything......ever......


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## struggle (May 13, 2013)

spun said:


> It all comes down to what you are and are not OK with.
> 
> Set your boundary. "I'm not longer OK waiting around for you decide whether you are going to work on our marriage. If you can't begin working with me on our relationship with the guidance of a counselor, I need to move forward and file for divorce".
> 
> ...


This is the conversation I need to have. And stick with it.....


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

struggle said:


> This is the conversation I need to have. And stick with it.....


He can only do to you what you allow him to.

Do it. Be firm, but dispassionate.

Sitting around trying to "nice" them out of it never works.

You will never have a relationship worth having unless you are willing to lose it.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

struggle said:


> No - I'm not freakin' happy about that. I want him to give a crap about my feelings. I was actually expecting him to care about my feelings, which apparently is wrong to have any expectations about anything......ever......


You can only control YOUR feelings. You can't make somebody love you.

Listen to Spun.

Now be happy and live your life. If he wants to come along he will.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

> which apparently is wrong to have any expectations about anything......ever......


We all WANT certain things to happen every day in our lives. 

EXPECTING things from other people is beyond our control. 

How they behave is on them. How we react is on us.


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