# I asked her to move out



## Husburned (Jan 10, 2016)

So, I posted a while ago and got inundated with advice on leaving my wife.

This morning, the one anniversary of me having to trap her into a full confession, she went into a litany of rage at me about how I'm always playing the victim card, that I'm broken, she taunted me about my relationships with my kids, she put everything back on me.

She revealed who she really was.

I told her I wanted her out of the house tonight. She has colluded with our daughter, who called me up and called me a ****ing baby.

**** this ****. I am so done with her. She has shown herself as my enemy and I need to prepare accordingly.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

you've drawn the line in the sand now stick with it and do not waver....good for you.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Good for you. Now post again tomorrow to let us know that she is actually out of the house. Be Strong.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Husburned said:


> ...She revealed who she really was.
> 
> I told her I wanted her out of the house tonight. *She has colluded with our daughter,* who called me up and called me a ****ing baby.
> 
> **** this ****. *I am so done with her*. *She has shown herself* as my enemy and I need to prepare accordingly.


You are probably really angry and have a right to be. However, grammar is your friend.

I hope that in the last part of your post where you say you are "done with her" and "as my enemy" you are talking about your wife and not your daughter. If you are talking about your daughter, I urge you to reconsider.

Your daughter, was used by your wife. Your daughter should not have taken sides. As the parent, you should have thanked your daughter for her concerns, but told her that you and your wife have gone over the issues and that it is not appropriate for you to share with her the issues between you and your wife. You should use this as a parenting opportunity to tell your daughter that she has only one side/perspective and that this is something that only you and her mother can work out. Her interjecting herself into this with only one side of the facts will not help. Again, thank your daughter for her concern, but tell her to please not take sides. Tell her that maybe in ten or twenty years you may explain you side of the issues, but you need time to heal and pull your life together and you hope she can give that to you.

Good luck.

P.S. From no on with your wife, remember that actions are far more important than words. Feel free to tell her that. Try to end your marriage as friendly as possible, but since you have decided to end it, do so with as much grace as possible. That will help you heal from this more quickly and that will help your children heal more quickly. Good luck.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Get strong and get out of this.


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## Husburned (Jan 10, 2016)

Sorry for posting this in the wrong forum.

Young At Heart, thanks for pointing out my grammatical ambiguity. Yes, my wife is acting as my enemy and our daughter one of her victims, sadly. My wife dropped off our daughter at 5:00 a.m. this morning. I don't know what's going on, but I'm so pleased she (my daughter) is back home.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

5am?? How old is your daughter?

Sent from my SM-G920V using Tapatalk


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## Husburned (Jan 10, 2016)

Yesterday was the one year anniversary of her coerced confession of her six month sexual affair with the oxycontin junkie.

She asked how I wanted to handle the day. I told her I wanted to review our healing progress, using Linda J. MacDonald's "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From an Affair" as the yardstick. I suspect she knew her meager efforts would not measure up very well.

She started slowing, building into a rage, where she said every cruel thing imaginable, blaming me for having a "victim mentality," mocking me for yearnings for a closer relationship with my adult children (I get along great, they're just so independent and far away, it's hard to get up with them), telling me she would never grovel for me or be my sycophant (ummm… I never wanted this?!?). She turned everything back on me, telling me how broken I am, how I brought so much pre-existing pain into the marriage and how I was blaming her for it.

This is how she is supporting my healing and accepting the second chance I have given her.

I asked her to move out. No, actually I told her I was done with her and I wanted her out. I told her she had revealed herself for who she was and I couldn't live with it any longer. She promptly called our daughter, said God knows what to her, but then daughter called to cuss me out, tell me I was a f*cking Baby, etc… and that she (daughter) was effectively being pushed out of her own house, since she refuses to live with me.

My wife wouldn't communicate with me, so I arranged through her sister to be out of the house for an hour last night, so that she could gather some short term things.

I didn't sleep a wink last night. But at 5:00 a.m. the garage door opened and there was my wife delivering our daughter home. I don't know what is going on, but I am so relieved to have my daughter home, sleeping in our media room.

Ice is falling, we have a full fridge and a fire in the fireplace. I'm waiting for my lawyer to call back, if not today, Monday.

I'm in so much pain, but yesterday was the last straw. She took the generosity of a second chance and shat on it.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Sounds like you made the right decision.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Vorlon (Sep 13, 2012)

OP - It sounds like you made the only reasonable decision you could. It's now time to focus on healing yourself. 

Yes you have work to do on you! But that has nothing to do with your STBXW. She is toxic and will not help you heal. It's now time for you to go it alone and become an independent successful man. Set your priorities, create strong boundaries, determine what you want in life and pursue it 100%. No excuses, it is no one else fault if your not happy. Only you are responsible for your happiness. 

If you want a stronger relationship with your children then structure life so you can visit them. Call them on a regular basis but don't over do it. But first and for most make your life fulfilling on its own. Nobody wants to feel like they are responsible for someone else's happiness. You have to make yourself happy first. 

Be the man you can respect. 

Best of Luck..you can do this!!!

Vorlon


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

What a heartless undeserving women

Do what is best for you

Talk to your children when ever you get a chance BUT don't push information on them unless they ask as 
they sound like young adults ?

Chin up


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I am so sorry it has come to this. Is all this hatred and stomping on your heart a byproduct of her medical condition? Something tells me 'no'. It's as if the woman has no soul. Set your daughter straight. She has no right to speak to you in that manner and if she doesn't get it then she can hit the road. Even if it is due to her mother's conditioning, she has to accept responsibility for her own actions.


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

Just an add as I see you have posted before...(why do people make another post on the same board when it relates to the same problem ?)

IF........... god forbid you back slide and think about taking her back because she goes into full remorse mode (she's not worth it)....make sure 
you get her do everything you should have done the first time and more


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## HobbesTheTiger (Apr 7, 2014)

Hi. While I'm sorry that her true self was revealed in such a horrific fashion, I'm glad she's no longer pretending to be remorseful etc. I'm glad you told her you were done and to get out! Now it's time to start healing yourself. Your relationship with DD will almost certainly eventually mend and become stronger than ever, it's just a matter of time. 

How do you feel at the moment? Best wishes!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I'm glad to hear you are finally moving on. She needed to be tossed out on her ear a year ago. 

You did what you could. You fought for your marriage. You can look yourself in the mirror and see someone with integrity who did not give up until the bitter end. 

I believe your WW suffers from a personality disorder. Hell, probably close to half the waywards we see here and on SI do. She is a sick person who will be forever chasing the elusive wheel in the sky. Have pity for her, but once she is gone stay they hell away from her.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

how old is your daughter ? and does she know the whole story


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

You handled it well, good for you. 

Don't be surprised if she eventually does start groveling. .... she's still processing this unexpected reaction from you. 

Think carefully about whether you want her back if said groveling does happen.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I'm confused. Is this the same daughter that called you a baby and is siding with her mom or is this a younger daughter?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Really sorry for your pain H but not for your actions.

Good job!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Sorry to hear it's come to that. 

At least now you can reconcile how you feel inside with your reality. It will take time, but it really does get better. 

Do yourself a favor and be kind to yourself. You'll have some "what if" moments where you'll want to beat yourself up. Don't. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*You did the right thing, @Husburned! Good for you!

Now try to surround yourself with sympathetic family members, friends and neighbors!

Your hell bound W and daughter aren't to be included! *
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Way to stand tall. You need to take the same approach with your daughter now. Does she not know about the affair? If so time to blow that up as well.

Take care this does get better.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

She reminds me of a character from a 1970s science fiction film. 

The people in the town looked normal but when they revealed themselves by removing their latex masks they were seen to be mutated monsters.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

pray tell how she can accuse you of playing the victim card when you actually ARE a victim of her infidelity?

and pray tell how she can accuse you of being 'broken', when you probably are, and almost anyone would be under the circumstances?

she's got some nerve alright.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

The adult children are adults. If they don't already know, I'd explain to them the marriage ended because their mother had a 6 month affair, was remorseless when you tried to reconcile, and you just can't take it anymore. Then point out that the reason you asked her to leave is because she is responsible for the end of the marriage and you think it only fair that she be the one to move out of the marital home.

Once everything is out in the open and the "kids" have both sides of the story, they should behave with a bit more respect toward you. At least, I hope they would.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

* @Husburned ~ PM one of the TAM Moderators and have them try to merge these two threads together! 

It will cause far less confusion for everybody!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

> I told her she had revealed herself for who she was


You should be thankful for that at least. No ambiguity about whether she is remorseful. No more agonizing about whether R was the right decision. She essentially made this an easy choice for you. Many BS's don't have that luxury.

That said, I know it's no less painful for you. But you should use your anger to fuel your resolve, to put her in your rear view mirror.

Don't forget to implement the 180 to help you detach from her. 

Best of luck to you.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

kind of like someone comes from behind you, hits you over the head with a 2 x 4 and 
then mocks you for reeling, feeling woozy and then; "what a woose, you even stand up straight!"


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## jigga114 (Mar 15, 2015)

Good on you Husburned for standing up for yourself. If she is not willing to do everything to help you heal, then why bother going through fake R for one second longer.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

I have been following your story on both sites. Your doing the right thing. I know I am bias but never stay with a cheater. They are not worth a second of your time. She is only showing you one more time what she is really worth. I tried staying for years and in the end just just kept her same bag of tricks up. Divorcing her was the best thing I ever did. You deserve the same happiness as everyone else. Keep one thing in mind while she is talking rudely to you. She is the cheater. She is the one that put herself in this situation and that is her problem not yours. 

Follow what your lawyer says and Do 180 as much as possible if you do have to stay living with her. On another note. There is no way she would slow me down. I would go out and have fun with my friends and I would even go on some casual dates. I would make it CLEAR to her I was moving on with my life with OUT HER.

Good for you for standing up for yourself.

C


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Sorry for what you're going through, But maybe now you can get on with your life. You deserve better.


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## Husburned (Jan 10, 2016)

Xenote said:


> how old is your daughter ? and does she know the whole story


Daughter is 17. She knows her mother cheated with an active Oxycontin addict. She knows her mother lost her **** a month after daughter discovered the ugly truth and mother screamed at her "You! You're the reason I want to get drunk! You're the reason I want to put a f*cking bullet in my head."

Somehow, daughter is angry at me and STBXW is all too relieved to be out of the cross hairs.

Daughter turns 18 in six months, so any legal wrangling between my STBXW and me is just about money.

My older kids are 31 and 35, from my first marriage (also ended with a wife cheating on me). They are highly successful (an Emergency Veterinarian and a Doctor of internal medicine), so they are hard to get hold of, but we get along great when we do. I co-parented them with my ex, so I always felt I didn't' get as much time with them as I would have wanted. <-This is the kind of stuff my STBXW was taunting me about yesterday.


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## Husburned (Jan 10, 2016)

bandit.45 said:


> I'm confused. Is this the same daughter that called you a baby and is siding with her mom or is this a younger daughter?


Same daughter. Poor thing is in the middle of this toxic mess. Not pardoning her inexcusable behavior, which i will continue to call out, just saying I understand she's a huge victim in her mother's mess.


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## Husburned (Jan 10, 2016)

Acoa said:


> Sorry to hear it's come to that.
> 
> At least now you can reconcile how you feel inside with your reality. It will take time, but it really does get better.
> 
> ...


Well, having hung in there so long and having invested so much into making it work, I don't feel the "what if" In that regard, I'm glad I didn't bail early on.


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## Husburned (Jan 10, 2016)

jorgegene said:


> pray tell how she can accuse you of playing the victim card when you actually ARE a victim of her infidelity?


Therein lies the hilarious irony. She's the real victim of my incessant victimhood. Makes sense, don't it?


jorgegene said:


> and pray tell how she can accuse you of being 'broken', when you probably are, and almost anyone would be under the circumstances?


According to her, I brought baggage into this marriage (uh, don't we all?) that I'm projecting onto her.


jorgegene said:


> she's got some nerve alright.


Yep, she's a total ****ing mess. Divorce will not be a pleasant process.


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## Husburned (Jan 10, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> The adult children are adults. If they don't already know, I'd explain to them the marriage ended because their mother had a 6 month affair, was remorseless when you tried to reconcile, and you just can't take it anymore. Then point out that the reason you asked her to leave is because she is responsible for the end of the marriage and you think it only fair that she be the one to move out of the marital home.
> 
> Once everything is out in the open and the "kids" have both sides of the story, they should behave with a bit more respect toward you. At least, I hope they would.


Older kids (31 and 35) are from my first marriage. I don't think they know what a skank their Mom was. I don't know if it would help or harm them. They both know my STBXW was a skank. She was a pretty awful stepmother to them as well.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I've experienced the same thing where serious problems in a relationship that you identify and are definitely your wives fault and something she has to fix or alter her behavior are quickly repackaged as your fault. My wife takes no responsibility at all for our troubled marriage and the same seems to be happening here. I'm glad that you aren't falling for it and going ahead with your plans to make her leave rather than letting her trick you into thinking it's all your fault.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Husburned said:


> Older kids (31 and 35) are from my first marriage. I don't think they know what a skank their Mom was. I don't know if it would help or harm them. They both know my STBXW was a skank. She was a pretty awful stepmother to them as well.


So, the two elder kids won't care because they have long since started their own lives away from their FOO and they seem to not be fond of your STBX.

Your 17 year old should be told that she is past the age of reason, knows right from wrong, and needs to treat you with respect. Period. If she has any common sense and a moral compass, she has zero excuse for treating you disrespectfully and zero excuse for allowing herself to be her mothers pawn/victim. She's very close to adulthood, tell her she needs to act like it. A good place to start is independent thinking and situation analysis based on the evidence before her and not what someone said, but what they do and how they behave.

I have a 17 year old girl at home, too. I love her dearly and she makes me crazy.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Before your daughter turns 18, get her into therapy, pronto. She needs an outlet that can be objective and doesn't know her personally. A therapist will inject introspection in a manner that will help her come to her own conclusions about what is real, normal, and what is a chaotic, dysfunctional relationship. 

Meanwhile you stay CONSISTENT for those 6 months, regardless of the fruitloopery your STBX exhibits.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Here's the thing Husburned I've been telling you guys since I first wormed my way into this site. When a women cheats on you it means she has little if any romantic interest in you. They cheat, rather than leaving you for various reason but sometimes because they don't have it in them to tell you that the tingle they use to feel is now a chill. Either consciously or unconsciously they want you to do the dirty work and ride off into the sunset.
In your case however, you kept hanging in there, hoping to make it work, trying to be the diplomat and all you accomplished is her building more resentment, loathing and loss of respect for you. All this manifested in her going off on you. I think someone once termed it "psychological vomiting". 
I'm usually troubled by these guys saying, "I've forgiven her, wanting to save our marriage, etc., but she's putting little effort in it". I'll give you one guess as to why a woman doesn't put any effort in it. Hint: when you don't put much effort into something, why is that?


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

If your trying to hide your posting from your wife who knows your user name at S.I. you should have changed it. All one has to do is type HUSBURNED in a search engine and it said:

Talk About Marriage - View Profile: Husburned
talkaboutmarriage.com › Talk About Marriage › Members List
Husburned is a in the Talk About Marriage. View Husburned's profile.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I'm sorry. This is sad. Your poor daughter. What a terrible way for a mother to treat a child. There's no excuse.

Your WW has used your R to celebrate her 'recovery' from the damage she has inflicted. She hasn't been engaged in your recovery and healing. She's been working on hers.

But you have failed to get with the program, which is to see the great progress she was making on 'finding herself,' and dutifully supporting her in her journey of self-discovery. Since you think her empathy should be for you after what she did to you and your marriage, then you must be a victim.

The thing is, you're not playing the victim. You *are* the victim.

Victims aren't necessarily weak or self-pitying. They can recognize the situation for what it is and stand up for what is right. They can be strong in their own defense.

So, I'm glad you've been decisive. I hope this break with her is offering you some clarity and peace of mind. Your WW has never gotten it. She just can't do empathy or remorse. She can't give you what you need to heal.


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## Husburned (Jan 10, 2016)

alte Dame said:


> I'm sorry. This is sad. Your poor daughter. What a terrible way for a mother to treat a child. There's no excuse.
> 
> Your WW has used your R to celebrate her 'recovery' from the damage she has inflicted. She hasn't been engaged in your recovery and healing. She's been working on hers.


Of course I would be fine if she was truly working on hers instead of shoring up defenses against confronting her demons.


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## Husburned (Jan 10, 2016)

ShootMePlz! said:


> If your trying to hide your posting from your wife who knows your user name at S.I. you should have changed it. All one has to do is type HUSBURNED in a search engine and it said:
> 
> Talk About Marriage - View Profile: Husburned
> talkaboutmarriage.com › Talk About Marriage › Members List
> Husburned is a in the Talk About Marriage. View Husburned's profile.


Damn, you're right!

Thanks. I doubt she'd think of that, but it's certainly food for thought.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Husburned said:


> Of course I would be fine if she was truly working on hers instead of shoring up defenses against confronting her demons.


I read her posts at SI and thought she sounded at best unable to confront her demons, at least at this point. It was like she was reading about how to find some stability and self-knowledge and then just tried to mouth the right words to herself and to you. All very superficial. And egocentric. She mistakes empathy for pity & thus thinks your need for empathy and remorse constitutes a pity party and victimhood.

I tend to think that the term 'broken' gets used in too undefined a way here, but if it applies to anyone, I think it must apply to her. She had serious problems that put her in her OM's rancid orbit & hasn't magically become mentally/emotionally healthy since her A ended. For your part, not wanting a third marriage to fail is itself perhaps an unhealthy motivator that has made it even harder for you to say 'enough is enough.'

Others have probably mentioned this, but if you are decided on D, then implementing the 180 would help you now.


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## sam59 (Apr 16, 2014)

Husburned, 

I think your wife has been indicating for a while now that she has done all that she intends to do to fix the mess she made in your marriage . You are the only one who gets to decide if her efforts are enough.

No infidelity message board gets to decide that for you.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Husburned said:


> Yesterday was the one year anniversary of her coerced confession of her six month sexual affair with the oxycontin junkie.
> 
> She asked how I wanted to handle the day. I told her I wanted to review our healing progress, using Linda J. MacDonald's "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From an Affair" as the yardstick. I suspect she knew her meager efforts would not measure up very well.
> 
> ...


Your wife has a problem within herself, she is full of so much anger, bitterness and resentment and you are the punching bag. Not only did she subject you to a 6 month affair and betray you at teh deepest level, she has absolutely no remorse. She has clearly issues with self reflection and her own demons are driving her (and anyone in her path) into the abyss. You have no choice but to escape from such a toxic environment. She needs to get help and you need to move on. I know it is so painful when the one who was supposed to love and respect you for life, turns on you like this. 
You should also get yourself some counselling to get through the pain and explore the reasons as to why you do not have the respect of your wife. It may be that you too need to grow a pair and become a better man.


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## Vulcan2013 (Sep 25, 2013)

Husburned said:


> Damn, you're right!
> 
> Thanks. I doubt she'd think of that, but it's certainly food for thought.


You needn't worry about it. Unlike SI, TAM is not nice to unrepentant waywards. If she trolls you or drops in to say you made her do it...oh, my! 

Light fuse, run away...


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## eastsouth2000 (Jul 21, 2015)

Are you continually going to Individual Counseling? did you stop?

During the 1 year of R how did you display your anger? no shouting or screaming?

I'm particularly worried about your daughter, hope your anger does not spill over to her.
Please never never never never ever compare her to your two other successful kids!





though I'm not sure but your wife was posting in Surviving Infidelity! sometime ago.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Its amazing how a cheater can take their partners kindness and percieve it as weakness.

You have done the right thing.

Dont be surprised if she eventually comes grovelling to you for another chance once she realises the enormity of the situation and that you are dead serious about giver her the ar...se


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