# No communication - so I made the 1st move



## The Weak One made a move (Feb 20, 2012)

Married for 29 years - For both of us 2nd marriage. Both of us with 1 child ea. None together. He works on the road. Has cheated 2 times that I know for certain and the gut feeling of other times. I hung in there. We always lacked communication. The only time we would talk was after intimacy, of which I have come to know he seemingly was listening at the moment, but either had not or total memory loss. The last couple of years have been real tough and we barely would talk. Very little intimacy even shared. 
I became unemployed 6 years ago. He had no problem with, and said as long as bills were paid not to worry. Take a break.... I stay very busy here with non stop maintenace of our ongoing construction of home and maintaining 8 acres of grass and weeds... and "his" dog... Last summer, everthing started to be referred to "his"... I started looking again very hard for work. We live out in the country, I have no degrees. I was taught in the "old school" ways on the job. Been admin asst. for 30 years, but not unable to find a job. Travel for low paying jobs not much of option versus gas prices. He told me with what jobs offered it was not worth going to work...
In the meantime he has bank statements for the last 6 years printed and pays $100 for doing so. He adds up all the credit card card payments, throwing the statements at me asking what all for... I reply look around..., when he too was unemployed for 4 months, paying mortg and utilities with $ saved, and charging for gas, groceries etc. Total credit card debt $20,000 - not happy about, but was never able to talk to him. He always has a crisis to be griping on... he goes on to looking at $130,000 MH - refinace the p/u truck of which he has been letting his son use since last June, with paying $10,000 on the joint credit card - Now truck loan is at $20,000 again, but interest rate is good. He than goes and plans a refinace of home of which we only owed $60,000 and would have been pd in full in 7 years. Approved for $200,000 loan. Pays off the the truck and buys a MH for $102,000. Home has no equity and he has his obsession. On Jan 15th stated we needed to do something about our relationship or lack of it. I agreed. But, no talking whn he would be town. I went for consultation and openly told him I did and that if he wanted divorce, that we would have to separated for 1 year (SC). He jumped on it so fast. We talked and agreed I would stay on here at our home, would be easier since he is on the road all the time working, we could meet and work on things, he could see his dog, or I would relocate back to FL of which we moved from in '99, me leaving a long employement and health ins. Daughter, grandsons and friends. I have no one here, no friends, only his son and his family of which he has alienated me from with his downing of me. I told him that my intent on the separation to was to reflect on us as a couple, myself and hopefully we could finally talk honestly, openly and respectfully to work to get things back and reconcile for a healthy marriage. He said "he was glad that one of us had the balls to do something". I Finally heard from the atty, told me to come and reveiw and sign complaint to be entered. The word complaint made me cringe. I was in high hopes that it would not have to come to this.
I signed the complaint just the other day for separation - support and maint. 
Now I sit here, alone as always..., him on the road, calling a couple of times a day for a moment or two, I do his paperwork for him, so he gives me the info..., his MH (our house) sitting in the back yard waiting for him to come back and pay property taxes on, register and get tags for..., buy sheets towels etc. that he said he would do..., and when comes in this weekend will drive off in...
Sad, Mad...feeling stupid, roller coater of emotions. Trying to get strong. I called him yesterday morning to inform that I was going to go to mass, and that would be attending regularly. I have my faith, and yet I stopped going to church when he would come in and than all together... I got tired of hearing his negativity... So, when informing him yesterday of my 1st intent, I felt very strong... for the moment. 
It's hard to put 29 years of a uncommunitive marriage into words and events. We are now were we are. I made the 1st move. Now I question the outcome. I want us to be open and honest - mainly he to be with me. He refuses MC. Trying to be positive and realistic. Just hurting so bad... Sorry for the long post...just needed to write...


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Sorry you're here with the rest of us. You will find a lot of support and caring people here. I wish there was a way to get our men to MC, not that it would solve our problems, but it would at least give us hope (even false hope). It sounds like you have your faith and getting back to it I bet you will find a lot of strength and new friends there.


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## The Weak One made a move (Feb 20, 2012)

Thank you for taking the time to read my post Mamatomany!

I decide to join the group because I feel that I have burdened my friends and family long enough and only cause them concern & worry. Living so far from all, only in contact via phone calls, it's hard to explain the roller coaster of emotions to them. I try to call them when feeling any upward emotions...ever how short they may be!

Reading post from others, both male and females, makes me feel not so alone, and has actually helped in cutting my lonely pity parties... Can't believe I'm 57 years old going through "this" all... "this" can happen at any age I know. The pain is there regardless of the # of years with... perhaps "foolish" feelings come into the picture after "sooooooooo many years" ????

Going back to church - a positive for me. Meeting people there will come along the way... I'm Catholic!

(False Hope)... sounds like you been there. When does reality set in? Do we dare hold on to false hope as a protective covering, especially when just starting out in a separation? Questions, questions...

Wishing you and all positive strenghth and personal inner peace.


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