# Hard week.



## WorkOnIt (Jun 6, 2012)

See my spouse in true remorse, R mode.. Reading books, trying to figure out how to fix us, but I still don't know if she understands the true damage to ME over this. It's like she's ok, recognized the grass was no greener, he was a douche etc etc, but she wants to just move on from this and fix us. Perhaps she feels too guilty seeing me in such pain that she's blocking out things? She told me she's actually having a hard time remembering what his face looks like but if she was to see him in person she would recognize him. Either way we're doing ok. I still have waves of pain that hit me 4 months later, and I try and cope, but sometimes the tears just roll. I still have a habit of asking "Why" and still sometimes feel I am being TOO hard on her when I can clearly see that it's over and she's out of the fog. I just wish we could switch places inside each other for a day so she could see the true damage. It's hard to feel the same for someone you were madly in love with after such a thing, and it hurts her to know that I do love her but probably don't feel the same at all. I hope it gets easier, and better, and that I can learn to love this new person I am married to, and not the one that died in my mind on DDAY. ... Hoping this all gets easier. I do love her but I just wish she could be me for a day. She IS doing things to fix stuff, eg being closer, completely NC and I know this for a fact since she's been under lockdown since DDAY not left my side even once, my pc is keylogged, certain websites / words blocked.. She's doing all she can to show me. I'm just finding it hard to move on. Anyone have some good tips on how I can not be so hard on her to feed the love bank required to help her keep building back the connection to me, without me blowing it with my anger, sadness, and overall blah feeling?


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

Let your self go through the emotions of grief. You are after all grieving the loss of what your relationship was before the A. It takes time to heal and move on. 
Just let your self roll through the stages. I still ask why but I no longer direct it at him. It is never going to make much sense to me but since he gave me one answer, after many others, I have accepted it better and have been working on forgiveness in its full form.
I wish I could answer your question on how to not be to hard on her but I was so hard on my H and never saw away not to be. I hope someone else can help you there.
It is tough just keep pushing for that end goal. Oh and unless it happens to her she will never fully understand what it is like (I am not saying to do it to her just that it might be relate able in the fiction sense but you have to go through it to even understand it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

How did you find out about the affair?

Are you getting IC? Stuff to help you heal, not just to fix you as a couple?


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## WorkOnIt (Jun 6, 2012)

Plan on IC when relocated.. We're moving 1000 km's away in a couple of weeks. She's told me everything I asked about to find out. No secrets.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Yes, but how did you find out about the affair? I think this is important as to how we process it. Some by accident, some -well, me- because our spouse told us in advance what was going to happen, some were told as a result of guilt, some were outed by the AP.


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## WorkOnIt (Jun 6, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Yes, but how did you find out about the affair? I think this is important as to how we process it. Some by accident, some -well, me- because our spouse told us in advance what was going to happen, some were told as a result of guilt, some were outed by the AP.


Intuition, cornered her, she spilled her guts, but had already at the time realized that he was just using her, whereas she was seeking emotional.. Was short lived, and near death on it's own.

Weight was bursting the fantasy bubble.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

WorkOnIt said:


> Intuition, cornered her, she spilled her guts, but had already at the time realized that he was just using her, whereas she was seeking emotional.. Was short lived, and near death on it's own.
> 
> Weight was bursting the fantasy bubble.


Then I think you probably had a worst time than me, to be honest. Good luck with recovering. It takes time.


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## WorkOnIt (Jun 6, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Then I think you probably had a worst time than me, to be honest. Good luck with recovering. It takes time.


Curious from some of those who've had a successful R and from a woman's perspective as well some of the things that can reintroduce the love bank feelings and build them. I already know the A is over, and that she will Affair proof her marriage now. 

So how to start all over and start a new 8 years?.
Just a little in limbo. My love language is physical touch, and her's is affirmation. 

Affirming right now vocally is a bit hard. I try, but then something hits my mind, and I feel I need to voice it, it's like the love bank gets a deposit, and then a withdrawal shortly after.

I don't want to be taking withdrawals, but I can't help my feelings when they arise. I know logically filling with no withdrawals is the correct thing to do in order for love to flourish.

Is there techniques to deal with the pain as it comes without expressing too much punishment for something they already regret?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

WorkOnIt said:


> See my spouse in true remorse, R mode.. Reading books, trying to figure out how to fix us, but I still don't know if she understands the true damage to ME over this. It's like she's ok, recognized the grass was no greener, he was a douche etc etc, but she wants to just move on from this and fix us. Perhaps she feels too guilty seeing me in such pain that she's blocking out things? She told me she's actually having a hard time remembering what his face looks like but if she was to see him in person she would recognize him. Either way we're doing ok. I still have waves of pain that hit me 4 months later, and I try and cope, but sometimes the tears just roll. I still have a habit of asking "Why" and still sometimes feel I am being TOO hard on her when I can clearly see that it's over and she's out of the fog. I just wish we could switch places inside each other for a day so she could see the true damage. It's hard to feel the same for someone you were madly in love with after such a thing, and it hurts her to know that I do love her but probably don't feel the same at all. I hope it gets easier, and better, and that I can learn to love this new person I am married to, and not the one that died in my mind on DDAY. ... Hoping this all gets easier. I do love her but I just wish she could be me for a day. She IS doing things to fix stuff, eg being closer, completely NC and I know this for a fact since she's been under lockdown since DDAY not left my side even once, my pc is keylogged, certain websites / words blocked.. She's doing all she can to show me. I'm just finding it hard to move on. Anyone have some good tips on how I can not be so hard on her to feed the love bank required to help her keep building back the connection to me, without me blowing it with my anger, sadness, and overall blah feeling?


I feel exactly this way. I said to him just the other day that I wish we could trade places for an hour so he would know how it FEELS to be me and I would know how it FEELS to be him. Just for an hour. I want him to understand what he has done so maybe he would consider its impact if he actually FELT the agony of it instead of just knowing in his head how I feel. If his heart could FEEL it. That deep down bone crushing sadness. I think it would help alot of WS to be able to do that for a day and i think it would be a good deterrant for the future. When he has to chose between his ego and my agony, maybe this would help with that decision going forward.

Hey, a girl can dream. I am about 4.5 months past dday and it is better thab it was then but the tears are still just under the surface
All the DAMNED TIME.

If you figure how to make it go away soon- do share.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Wow, I don't know if I could do this. If you feel that she should walk a day in your shoes in order to understand, then she probably does not understand.

You aren't going to get over the betrayal so fast. Would it be OK for you to have an affair and then have is fizzle out because it wasn't really what you were looking for and then tell her you can't even remember her face and then would she be online figuring out how to fill your love bank?

Would she be so forgiving?

Do you know WHY she broke her vow of fidelity to you?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> Wow, I don't know if I could do this. If you feel that she should walk a day in your shoes in order to understand, then she probably does not understand.
> 
> You aren't going to get over the betrayal so fast. Would it be OK for you to have an affair and then have is fizzle out because it wasn't really what you were looking for and then tell her you can't even remember her face and then would she be online figuring out how to fill your love bank?
> 
> ...


LCW, I think there is a difference in understanding a BS' pain intellectually(empathizing )and ACTUALLY FEELING it(sympathizing). I think thats what OP meant. At least thats what I mean when I say I wish he could spend an hour on my side of this A. I think they can empathize with their betrayed spouse but they cant sympathize. As you know, two very different concepts. So when I say I want him to feel it- I mean with his heart not just his head.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

WorkOnIt said:


> Curious from some of those who've had a successful R and from a woman's perspective as well some of the things that can reintroduce the love bank feelings and build them. I already know the A is over, and that she will Affair proof her marriage now.
> 
> So how to start all over and start a new 8 years?.
> Just a little in limbo. My love language is physical touch, and her's is affirmation.
> ...


NLP helps. It's a useful series of techniques and many therapists use it. I used a self-help NLP tape to help cure myself of a severe phobia of spiders. (And if it can fix THAT who knows WHAT else it can do? I used to panic and kill any spider. Now I rescue them and put them in the garden!)


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## WorkOnIt (Jun 6, 2012)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> Wow, I don't know if I could do this. If you feel that she should walk a day in your shoes in order to understand, then she probably does not understand.
> 
> You aren't going to get over the betrayal so fast. Would it be OK for you to have an affair and then have is fizzle out because it wasn't really what you were looking for and then tell her you can't even remember her face and then would she be online figuring out how to fill your love bank?
> 
> ...


Yes I know why. I wasn't very attentive due to compartmentalizing worries, stress, and other things in front of her emotional needs. It's no excuse, but I did leave her feeling very lonely for a very long time. She went into a bit of a depression, and was on anti depressants at the time, and was actually coming down off them after quitting cold turkey.. Brain was a bit messed. 

Would she be so forgiving? I believe so now. She felt so bad she offered me a free pass to go do it back once only. I had full opportunity, and said no. For us we've had a very very close 8 years.. never had a problem in the bedroom, sex daily, sometimes 2 or three times per day, and what not. It was her purely seeking emotional because I was not there mentally for some period of time. There's still no excuse for cheating and she knows this, and she atones for this. She would do it all a different way now, and not cheat. This I know. I think the realization of how much I did and do love her was enough to wake her up. All she ever wanted was affection and me. I didn't give ever. I mean ever. 
I've learned alot recently, and applying it, and we are connecting again and feeling it on both ends. Tonight in fact we have a romantic night planned.

I feel that she wants to reconnect and I am being a bit too hard on her.. I just didn't want her to think she got off too easy.

Two other relationships in my life I was cheated on. This is my first real R, as I kicked the two others to the curb as hard as I could. She knows this. She's working hard to prove it was a big wrong and she knows it.

I'm working on forgiveness, and compassion.

This might sound stupid as we've been together for 8 years, and didn't separate, but I do find if I view the POSOM as simply an ex boyfriend it helps.
All the while this was happening she never once left and moved out. She was on a fence.. Here was me.. comfort, and here was him, pretending to be a white knight on a big white horse, but she did figure out that he just wanted sex, while she actually just wanted someone to talk to emotionally. He got too pushy, and showed his colors very quickly to my benefit. This only went on for 3 weeks. We've been together since she was really young so she really had no idea how manipulative men can be when pushing for sex. 

Hard lesson, and nearly destroyed our lives for something that really didn't exist, EG the movie fantasy romance.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> LCW, I think there is a difference in understanding a BS' pain intellectually(empathizing )and ACTUALLY FEELING it(sympathizing). I think thats what OP meant. At least thats what I mean when I say I wish he could spend an hour on my side of this A. I think they can empathize with their betrayed spouse but they cant sympathize. As you know, two very different concepts. So when I say I want him to feel it- I mean with his heart not just his head.


I hear what you are saying. I just think most of the WS comments that are written about here on TAM sound ridiculous in reverse. And it also seems there are 2 sets of rules, one for the wayward and one for the betrayed. Too many false Rs. 

Too much trying to get over the pain so the cheater doesn't have to suffer any consequences. It doesn't matter if the affair is over and the fog has lifted. And these reasons??? Recognized he was a douche??? What if he hadn't been?? What then?? 

Lots more lies and pain for no reason.


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## WorkOnIt (Jun 6, 2012)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> I hear what you are saying. I just think most of the WS comments that are written about here on TAM sound ridiculous in reverse. And it also seems there are 2 sets of rules, one for the wayward and one for the betrayed. Too many false Rs.
> 
> Too much trying to get over the pain so the cheater doesn't have to suffer any consequences. It doesn't matter if the affair is over and the fog has lifted. And these reasons??? Recognized he was a douche??? What if he hadn't been?? What then??
> 
> Lots more lies and pain for no reason.


Already asked her those. She said that she would still be with me and not him, as she realized she loved me once I started showing more attention / affection.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

WorkOnIt said:


> Yes I know why. I wasn't very attentive due to compartmentalizing worries, stress, and other things in front of her emotional needs. It's no excuse, but I did leave her feeling very lonely for a very long time. She went into a bit of a depression, and was on anti depressants at the time, and was actually coming down off them after quitting cold turkey.. Brain was a bit messed.
> 
> Would she be so forgiving? I believe so now. She felt so bad she offered me a free pass to go do it back once only. I had full opportunity, and said no. For us we've had a very very close 8 years.. never had a problem in the bedroom, sex daily, sometimes 2 or three times per day, and what not. It was her purely seeking emotional because I was not there mentally for some period of time. There's still no excuse for cheating and she knows this, and she atones for this. She would do it all a different way now, and not cheat. This I know. I think the realization of how much I did and do love her was enough to wake her up. All she ever wanted was affection and me. I didn't give ever. I mean ever.
> I've learned alot recently, and applying it, and we are connecting again and feeling it on both ends. Tonight in fact we have a romantic night planned.
> ...


Wow. I am sorry you are here. I can tell you care deeply and you really want your marriage to work. 

The problem is, it doesn't matter if you were the most inattentive husband in the world, it wouldn't matter if you gave her the silent treatment for months.....that would give her every right to leave you, but not to throw your vow of fidelity in the trash. 

She chose to solve her problem with you by leaving the sacred union you share. Don't feel like you are being too hard on her if you can't forget that in 4 months. 

I'm a little concerned that you feel you can control her cheating by your behavior. People cheat because they choose to cheat to solve their problems. I'm sorry you were betrayed in the past, but don't let it color how you deal with this. Marriage problems are each of yours 50/50. Cheating is on her 100%. 

I understand developing compassion. I understand seeking peace and forgiveness. Just make sure these are flowing both ways. If you go forward, it should be because she has earned a place back in your heart. 

Good luck.


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## WorkOnIt (Jun 6, 2012)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> Wow. I am sorry you are here. I can tell you care deeply and you really want your marriage to work.
> 
> The problem is, it doesn't matter if you were the most inattentive husband in the world, it wouldn't matter if you gave her the silent treatment for months.....that would give her every right to leave you, but not to throw your vow of fidelity in the trash.
> 
> ...


Thanks. Earn it she must. I am just as capable of shutting my feelings off as I am in opening them. I could literally walk away as easily as I am choosing to work this out. I do so out of the love we actually share. She did make a horrible decision. She knows it was the worst decision she's ever made. I know her well enough to know that she regrets ever making it. I don't think she truly was able to comprehend what she had done, until she saw the devastation as the fog was lifting. Guilt and shame. She's embracing the "us" and realizes that all she ever wanted was me, but a me that was there to listen to her. I think we're both learning.. Too bad more R couldn't be like this. Deep down inside my wife is a good person, but made a major mistake. That I believe is the difference between a serial, and someone who truly feels remorse. I'm not blind. Been through this twice before enough to know all the signs of someone who is unlikely to cheat again, and those who are likely. It took me searching three decades to find this one, out of 3 billion women. I've made mistakes in relationships and learned from them. We are all capable of learning.


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## WorkOnIt (Jun 6, 2012)

Another tough day.. Not even sure why. Everything is good on her end, but it's me. How I am feeling. I just feel like she can't understand how I am feeling. Anyone here done a successful R, where the WW was the one to cheat, and actually changed?. Wondering if some advice from a couple who's been successful long term might help us?.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

WorkOnIt said:


> Everything is good on her end, but it's me. How I am feeling. I just feel like she can't understand how I am feeling.


She cheated, had her fun and you took her back. She doesn't have to worry about anything to feel bad.


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## WorkOnIt (Jun 6, 2012)

keko said:


> She cheated, had her fun and you took her back. She doesn't have to worry about anything to feel bad.


It's not like that at all. Trust me. I know her VERY well. She's doing her best to show / learn / fix .... It's just me who's feeling a bit disconnected today.
I don't expect her to understand the sense of loss.
For her to feel that would mean me cheating on her, and I don't wish this pain on anyone.

She's not done anything wrong. 
She's had absolutely NC with this person in months, as I would know because she's not left my side even once, nor had any time on electronics or phones, and everything around me is bugged to make sure.

No. Today it's just me.
Trying to figure out how to regain the empty space.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

WorkOnIt said:


> It's not like that at all. Trust me. I know her VERY well.


Did you know she was going to cheat before hand?


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## WorkOnIt (Jun 6, 2012)

keko said:


> Did you know she was going to cheat before hand?


No and to be frank completely out of character to be honest. You can't determine everyone's moves all the time, but after so many years together you should at least have a general idea of their inner character.
We were in a real bad rough spot, completely disconnected, I was disconnected as well, and could just as easily of had an affair at that point as well, but chose not to. There's no excuse, she acknowledges this, but people can change. I've made life mistakes before too. She does feel remorse and regret and considers it life's biggest mistake which is honestly more than most WS can or will say. We've just been busy making plans for an actual future, and learning and affair proofing our lives now. She's done much reading, learned about the dopamine effects, the "fog" , how to avoid potential harmful situations, and frankly seeing me in so much pain has re-enforced her guilt to a level that I don't honestly think she's capable to recommit. See we've always loved each other very deeply but had been to a point where both of us thought the other one didn't love ... If that makes sense. We had lost our communication over life stress , but not our actual bond. Our bond had been very strong for most of our time together. Time to rebuild stronger and pay more attention to each other on emotional levels. It was not a sexual disconnect. Emotional was where it was. Financial stress, compartmentalizing etc etc... meanwhile some douche rode along pretending to be Mr Perfect at a time where she was coming down cold turkey from heavy antidepressants that were designed to help combat some of the stresses we were going through. She made poor judgement thinking this guy was being so nice. Luckily it was short lived (couple times), and she realized that she was and had done some serious wrong / harm, and that the grass was far browner on the outside. Hard to really explain it all. She is one of the few who has no desire to ever hurt herself, us, or our family again. She will come on here and tell you herself how ****ty she feels if you wish, but see what the problem is, is the sadness I feel daily. I am having a hard time coping with the feeling of "loss" and depression, and the "movies" and everything ****ty that gets handed to you as a BS. Life will get better as we're working towards a common goal I am sure, but it's just tough getting through this **** as we all know.

It's just that some days the pain is harder than others.
Forgiving is the easy part, but forgetting is a nightmare.

Shes done everything right from every piece of advice you can find online to fix and mend her marriage, other than to try to move on too quickly because her mind wants it to all vanish, which I am sure is due to guilt, and shame, but my mind isn't there yet.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

You have to learn to be a bit of cold-hearted bastard when you see her pain. Let it fizzle instead of trying to bolt up your own pain and comfort her.

Hard, I know.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

I know exactly what you mean working. Its been 4.5 mos. since dday and I struggle every day with "why" and "how do I know when I can trust you again?" "when will this pain ease?" I have a thread about how it has changed me and there are some helpful things in there; Its called 'His EA is over, and we are R'ing. But he says Ive changed and he misses the 'old me'. There could be a couple of things that help you in there???

CTU


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## WorkOnIt (Jun 6, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> I know exactly what you mean working. Its been 4.5 mos. since dday and I struggle every day with "why" and "how do I know when I can trust you again?" "when will this pain ease?" I have a thread about how it has changed me and there are some helpful things in there; Its called 'His EA is over, and we are R'ing. But he says Ive changed and he misses the 'old me'. There could be a couple of things that help you in there???
> 
> CTU


Been reading it.. Scouring every thread on this site.
It's been been about 3 months since DDay here.. It bothers me because she's trying, but It's like my mind's protection system keeps kicking in turning things into resentment, rather than being logical and trying to fill our love banks up. I can feel very loving one minute, hit a trigger, take something the wrong way and then poof, feel nothing loving at all. Cold. Then a few hours later when she says something that feels good, the loving feelings return. It's like a roller coaster of trying to just accept what has happened, even though it's not happening now. I see her try so hard, and I feel like I'm at arm's length sometimes.
I hope it gets easier over time. I want us to grow from this, not both feel like **** forever.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

WorkOnIt said:


> Been reading it.. Scouring every thread on this site.
> It's been been about 3 months since DDay here.. It bothers me because she's trying, but It's like my mind's protection system keeps kicking in turning things into resentment, rather than being logical and trying to fill our love banks up. I can feel very loving one minute, hit a trigger, take something the wrong way and then poof, feel nothing loving at all. Cold. Then a few hours later when she says something that feels good, the loving feelings return. It's like a roller coaster of trying to just accept what has happened, even though it's not happening now. I see her try so hard, and I feel like I'm at arm's length sometimes.
> I hope it gets easier over time. I want us to grow from this, not both feel like **** forever.


Just so you know 3mos is barely starting to process the whole thing. IF you dont mind may I ask your story in the short version??


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

WorkOnIt said:


> Been reading it.. Scouring every thread on this site.
> It's been been about 3 months since DDay here.. It bothers me because she's trying, but It's like my mind's protection system keeps kicking in turning things into resentment, rather than being logical and trying to fill our love banks up. *I can feel very loving one minute, hit a trigger, take something the wrong way and then poof, feel nothing loving at all. Cold. Then a few hours later when she says something that feels good, the loving feelings return. It's like a roller coaster of trying to just accept what has happened, even though it's not happening now. *I see her try so hard, and I feel like I'm at arm's length sometimes.
> I hope it gets easier over time. I want us to grow from this, not both feel like **** forever.


Bingo. This is what R feels like for the betrayed. Exactly. Sorry to say...

About resentment... it might be because you are going too fast. Don't try to feel things because you "should". Just feel what's there, the rollercoaster. Try to take care of yourself.


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## WorkOnIt (Jun 6, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> Just so you know 3mos is barely starting to process the whole thing. IF you dont mind may I ask your story in the short version??


Short version?
8 years together, very close, no cheating at all.
Illness on my part, stress financial, I disconnected first worrying about too much in life. She disconnected because I did. She went on antidepressants to deal with much of it, then quit them cold turkey. That's when she "escaped" real life for a few weeks.
When she realized that "fantasy" wasn't as great as she imagined, she crashed, and realized that I WAS a good guy and it all dawned on her what the real problems were. Sadly my heart was completely broken, so we are now trying to pick the pieces up and fix our relationship. She was ready to split, as was I and at the time we didn't even know why. Too much worry / stress. Basically we had a great relationship but went through a very tough time for about a year. Not the first tough time but a really really bad financial one where stresses about even eating were high. 

Snapped back to reality we are now in the process of fixing that situation, lives, financial etc.... Landed a new job, relocation, planning a future still and working as a TEAM.. Reading help books, how to survive this etc. For the first time in 8 years we are working together without the weight of the world on one of our shoulders only to bare. I see some good changes for sure. My problem is the mind movies, the thoughts of him, etc etc etc. Those are the worst parts to deal with.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

WorkOnIt said:


> Short version?
> 8 years together, very close, no cheating at all.
> Illness on my part, stress financial, I disconnected first worrying about too much in life. She disconnected because I did. She went on antidepressants to deal with much of it, then quit them cold turkey. That's when she "escaped" real life for a few weeks.
> When she realized that "fantasy" wasn't as great as she imagined, she crashed, and realized that I WAS a good guy and it all dawned on her what the real problems were. Sadly my heart was completely broken, so we are now trying to pick the pieces up and fix our relationship. She was ready to split, as was I and at the time we didn't even know why. Too much worry / stress. Basically we had a great relationship but went through a very tough time for about a year. Not the first tough time but a really really bad financial one where stresses about even eating were high.
> ...


Yeah, the mind movies. I understand. My h worked with his AP. That means she got more time with him than I did. Alot of time(almost a year) and convenience for them. You konw, while i thought he was working....

Anyway, about the mind movies the only thing that has helped me (may not work for most) is to NOT discuss them with him. I tell him sometimes that I have them but I NEVER tell him what they are. I dont want to plant her any further in his head than she already is. My biggest thing is not so much that they happen, its WHEN they happen. Most often during sex. Yikes. That one is rough. Even though he didnt sleep with her-He wanted to and thats enough for me. Means he thought about it-probably alot. 

How do you react when you have the mind movies? Are they after a trigger or just sitting there doing nothing or just totally by surprise? I hate when I trigger for no apparent reason-just pops in for a visit "hey your H cheated on you for a year". I hate that part.


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## WorkOnIt (Jun 6, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> Yeah, the mind movies. I understand. My h worked with his AP. That means she got more time with him than I did. Alot of time(almost a year) and convenience for them. You konw, while i thought he was working....
> 
> Anyway, about the mind movies the only thing that has helped me (may not work for most) is to NOT discuss them with him. I tell him sometimes that I have them but I NEVER tell him what they are. I dont want to plant her any further in his head than she already is. My biggest thing is not so much that they happen, its WHEN they happen. Most often during sex. Yikes. That one is rough. Even though he didnt sleep with her-He wanted to and thats enough for me. Means he thought about it-probably alot.
> 
> How do you react when you have the mind movies? Are they after a trigger or just sitting there doing nothing or just totally by surprise? I hate when I trigger for no apparent reason-just pops in for a visit "hey your H cheated on you for a year". I hate that part.


Sometimes for no apparent reason, sometimes certain words and actions.

I feel somewhat repulsed when they hit.

For instance when the hysterical bonding first started I got hit completely off guard during and actually threw her off me during the act. 

I find maybe I am too verbal on reminding her of her affair daily still each time. Perhaps I should try and remind her less and just allow myself to breathe as I know logically that reminding her 24/7 will not refill the love bank. Counter productive.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

WorkOnIt said:


> Sometimes for no apparent reason, sometimes certain words and actions.
> 
> I feel somewhat repulsed when they hit.
> 
> ...


wow, throwing her off you must have been traumatic for you both. Im so sorry that happened and I hope she understood.

The thing I try to do is make a promise to myself to let the little triggers go. When they occur I either breathe them away or go to another room and cry it out then come back w/o telling him. Only the big ones he knows about. We do talk about the A. Its necessary but not daily. I would say weekly. Sometimes its productive other times not so much but he does listen and cooperate every time. 

Does it lower your stress level to remind her? THats a serious question. I know that sometimes I just have to get it out. I just have to say some things, even if I've said them before. But I also try and remember I chose to R. ANd to me that means giving it an honest effort to recover from this. I dont think you can do that and *constantly* remind them of their transgressions.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

OP,

If she is truly remorseful, btw, reading books may be good but does not ensure true R, you have a good chance.

You are relocating 1000 miles away. So there are lesser chances of physical contacts.

If she understands the agony you underwent, she will unite with you. Emotional level. This works.

Good lucks.

AU


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> wow, throwing her off you must have been traumatic for you both. Im so sorry that happened and I hope she understood.
> 
> The thing I try to do is make a promise to myself to let the little triggers go. When they occur I either breathe them away or go to another room and cry it out then come back w/o telling him. Only the big ones he knows about. We do talk about the A. Its necessary but not daily. I would say weekly. Sometimes its productive other times not so much but he does listen and cooperate every time.
> 
> Does it lower your stress level to remind her? THats a serious question. I know that sometimes I just have to get it out. I just have to say some things, even if I've said them before. But I also try and remember I chose to R. ANd to me that means giving it an honest effort to recover from this. I dont think you can do that and *constantly* remind them of their transgressions.


Great question, CTU. Does it lower the stress to remind her, etc. What takes the pain away? What lowers the volatility of the trigger? Anything yet?


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## WorkOnIt (Jun 6, 2012)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> Great question, CTU. Does it lower the stress to remind her, etc. What takes the pain away? What lowers the volatility of the trigger? Anything yet?


Oddly enough sex, and her touching me, and being close to me.

No idea why but the only time I feel nothing is when she is touching me.


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## sbm1977 (May 29, 2012)

Workonit I am in exactly your situation. I really feel your pain. I still wake in the night think about things for a couple of hours. Even though things are improving daily - like the U2 song. Someways are better than others. I keep focused on replacing the bad thought with filling them with the new recent ones. But somedays I just want to sit on my own and take a time out.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

WorkOnIt said:


> Oddly enough sex, and her touching me, and being close to me.
> 
> No idea why but the only time I feel nothing is when she is touching me.


working, you say the only time you feel nothing is when she touches you. So do you mean thats the only time you dont feel pain, or that you truly feel *nothing*?


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## WorkOnIt (Jun 6, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> working, you say the only time you feel nothing is when she touches you. So do you mean thats the only time you dont feel pain, or that you truly feel *nothing*?


The only time I'm not feeling the gut wrenching emotional pain.
My love language is physical touch.

Hers is Affirmation.
Hard to affirm right now ugh.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> Great question, CTU. Does it lower the stress to remind her, etc. What takes the pain away? What lowers the volatility of the trigger? Anything yet?


LwC, the only thing that lowers the volitility of the trigger is breathing it out alone. Seriously. I have to get alone and remind myself what it is that I want. Get myself alone and fall apart if need be. Running helps. Reconnecting with him is making the triggers less impactful. They still drill right thru me but alot of times I can recover without it showing. The closer I feel to him, the more time I spend with him, the longer he goes with NC the better Im dealing with the triggers. We just had our 15yr anniversary. I had a MAJOR trigger right in the middle of sex. AAAHHHH. All I could do was just keep telling myself not to ruin this moment with HER. I pushed it thru(it was b/c of a song that came on)til the song went off and then went on. I never told him. I dont want to bring her to bed with US. Know what I mean? She's had all of HIM she's getting if I can help it.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

WorkOnIt said:


> Oddly enough sex, and her touching me, and being close to me.
> 
> No idea why but the only time I feel nothing is when she is touching me.


The physical intimacy of sex and touch helps you feel more secure and helps with bonding. Same with me. Thats my love language also, hers is quality time.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

WorkOnIt said:


> The only time I'm not feeling the gut wrenching emotional pain.
> My love language is physical touch.
> 
> Hers is Affirmation.
> Hard to affirm right now ugh.


so her touch soothes you? Thats a wonderful thing so soon. My h's touch soothes me too but I think mine soothes him more. His LL is touch also. Mine is something about proving your love thru actions-words dont mean much kinda thing. I dont remember what its called.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Yeah triggers........

I understand the love language thing, but isn't it hard to worry about her needs when you are still healing? How can you be making deposits in her love bank if she is earning her place back in your heart? Did you already give her that spot? 

I think you are very soon out from dday and the posters that said they still need to be alone I am there also. I am not at all worried about meeting any of my H's needs right now. I am still working on trusting him again. But then again, I have not even been able to be intimate all the way, so you are doing good in that department.

It seems like you are working on the marital issues with her which is good, but the resentment will come if you do too much too fast. Be easy on yourself. Don't beat yourself up if you don't feel up to making love deposits all the time. She is WAY overdrawn at the bank of WorkOnIt.


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## WorkOnIt (Jun 6, 2012)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> Yeah triggers........
> 
> I understand the love language thing, but isn't it hard to worry about her needs when you are still healing? How can you be making deposits in her love bank if she is earning her place back in your heart? Did you already give her that spot?
> 
> ...


Yeah we're not trying to work too fast.. I wish to make the deposits because going back in my head the last few years I had done nothing but withdraw from the bank. I wasn't a very loving person at all. Too many worries at the time to even have thought about her emotional needs. I do believe we are on a good path because she's been trying to feed my needs too, and we've been spending pretty much every single minute together since months ago to take the time. I just know that when she's feeling loving towards me sometimes, I am blowing it by triggering and letting loose a barrage of indignities when I should probably just shut my mouth at that time. I know it's ok to feel, but sometimes my mouth reacts before my brain thinks and especially with all these new found emotions. It seems I would be a fool to knock her down emotionally when she's actually showing affection. It's like I struggle to believe in my mind whether she's being sincere, yet I know logically she is by all her actions. That trust thing is a doozey. Her AP was so short lived that there wasn't a large amount of time to emotionally attach too deeply, and I know factually she's had 0 contact, and just today we went to the library and got yet another book called "Intimacy after infidelity" Looks to be a good read. Last night we read " Bringing the passion back" ... Each day we're reconnecting, and I don't want her mind to click saying "Hey I'm doing everything you want me to do, yet it's not enough" ... The reality is she IS doing everything I want her to do to prove to me, but I still feel like I am demanding the impossible of her. I'm sure I am come to think of it. I was so adamant that if anyone ever cheated on me again, I'd never forgive them, so now it's like I expect the person who did to move heaven and earth if they want to be with me. My expectations I believe are actually too high when all I should be looking for is remorse, sincerity, truth, love, rekindling, and feeling her re-attach to me.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

WorkOnIt said:


> Yeah we're not trying to work too fast.. I wish to make the deposits because going back in my head the last few years I had done nothing but withdraw from the bank. I wasn't a very loving person at all. Too many worries at the time to even have thought about her emotional needs. I do believe we are on a good path because she's been trying to feed my needs too, and we've been spending pretty much every single minute together since months ago to take the time. I just know that when she's feeling loving towards me sometimes, I am blowing it by triggering and letting loose a barrage of indignities when I should probably just shut my mouth at that time. I know it's ok to feel, but sometimes my mouth reacts before my brain thinks and especially with all these new found emotions. It seems I would be a fool to knock her down emotionally when she's actually showing affection. It's like I struggle to believe in my mind whether she's being sincere, yet I know logically she is by all her actions. That trust thing is a doozey. Her AP was so short lived that there wasn't a large amount of time to emotionally attach too deeply, and I know factually she's had 0 contact, and just today we went to the library and got yet another book called "Intimacy after infidelity" Looks to be a good read. Last night we read " Bringing the passion back" ... Each day we're reconnecting, and I don't want her mind to click saying "Hey I'm doing everything you want me to do, yet it's not enough" ... The reality is she IS doing everything I want her to do to prove to me, but I still feel like I am demanding the impossible of her. I'm sure I am come to think of it. I was so adamant that if anyone ever cheated on me again, I'd never forgive them, so now it's like I expect the person who did to move heaven and earth if they want to be with me. My expectations I believe are actually too high when all I should be looking for is remorse, sincerity, truth, love, rekindling, and feeling her re-attach to me.


I get that. I really do. Maybe when you feel that way, you don't need to unleash a barrage..... just be on your own if its out of line, but she has to deal with the fallout from this and the fallout is the rollercoaster of emotions, no matter how hard she tries-----those emotions will be there. 

Look, my H was distant and checked out, and I didn't cheat. It's no excuse. You took your marriage for granted, it has done some damage, I don't know, maybe a lot of damage, but still cheating is not the answer.

If your anger is out of control then work on that. If you are feeling guilty for being harsh with her in your communication, then work on that. Yes, you should appreciate the little things, all the efforts she makes, ultimately. But don't lower your requirements or your expectations. Your spouse should want to move mountains not to lose you.


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## WorkOnIt (Jun 6, 2012)

So yeah today is Saturday. By far the hardest day this week. How come suddenly over 3 months later everything is boiling up so bad?.
I'm finding myself anxious, angry, semi aggressive in my stance. Is it because I'm getting stronger? Feeling resentment? Realizing the depth of the betrayal?. I still want a successful R, and I still love my wife, but I feel almost like she destroyed me emotionally and she gets a free pass?. I guess it's not that free really. She should by now probably completely realize the toll it's taken, the agony I've been going through, and the fact that I am having a hard time looking at her the same. The loss of my respect for her and pride probably bothers her. She's not proud of herself, and feeling the shame / guilt hugely. I think she feels "stupid" for ever doing what she did. I feel like I'm being a **** for rubbing it in. I just wish she could crawl into my heart for 1 hour. She could see the torment in my soul, the hurt, the agony. Then I'd not have to try and verbalize something I've never felt like this before. I'm a bit bad at word play, and tend to come off quite blunt and straight up. It's probably not a good thing. I just don't want her to feel like she would ever get away with doing this to me again because she won't. At the same time I want her to understand the pain, and realize that the chance I am giving is actually a gift of compassion and love, and something I would give to NOBODY else. I do love her and wish for everything for her to work her hardest to save the family she dismantled, and find that love inside her again. It's going to take some hard work on both our ends. I just need to feel I can trust enough to pull close now, rather than the instinctual push. I think we'll make it through this but some days are harder than others. Today's one of them. At least I know there is NC, and she truly regrets it. I just wish I never had to feel all this pain for her to realize what she has.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Its been 2 yrs and the R is going good.
I have to tell you that its way to early for the both of you to really make any sense of all this crap other then what the both of you are capable of and how to prevent going back to those dark times. 

This rollercoaster crap is expected, so I gave my self a year and if by then I couldn't deal with the aftermath I would move on. Well after a year it got better and we are both in a good cruve. My point is give your self a time line and if you can't get past this crap then make some serious disicions.

Its wierd for me, I just knew I would be going through some tough times and thinking my fWW would screw it all up any way I figured she would make the choice for me. But it didn't work out that way and my chick has changed and along with my changes we keep hanging out together.

So we both except are bad days and we express them and move on. Sex was never an issue so I really don't have some great advice other then if you like to screw then screw...thats just how I'm wired. 

Other then telling you that time is your best friend right now and with it, you will either come through the other side or not. Just don't expect it to be all roses. The both of you went through some serious sh!t and it takes time and tools to get through.

So keep using your tools and stop having any great expectations that your new relationship will be any easier. Face it relationship are hard work with any chick, but having the right chick can make the effort worth the rewards.

I wish I could tell you some b!tchen way to stop getting in your own way but the fact is I can't b/c it is up to you to deside that what you W did was her own crap and it is hers to deal with.

I know it doesn't take the pain away but thats all I got brother...that and time.


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## WorkOnIt (Jun 6, 2012)

Yesterday was hard. Lots of triggers, lots of mind movies. Verbalized much of everything in a not happy way. We both ended up going to bed quite upset. I just felt so much rage at the A, and thoughts of someone touching my spouse, and vice versa. She she said "I love you" I erupted with "I bet you were really loving me, when getting off on him hey?"

Probably a poor choice of words last night.


Fast forward to today.
Woke up, took our daughter to school with hardly any conversation at all on a good 40 minute drive. On the way home after stopping to get us coffee I look over and see her eyes welled right up with tears streaming down her cheeks. I didn't say anything at first but just observed. I sensed true remorse, and guilt. I asked her what was wrong as we drove down the highway, and she said "I am sad", and I asked what about, half expecting a bit of nothing that really meant anything to come out of her mouth.

She replied. "I am sad because my life is unravelling, and I caused all of this". 

I looked at her and said "I guess you finally see it?" 

She said "Yes" , and continued to silently shed tears for about the next 15 minutes, full blown tears. 

We drove in silence home, holding hands on the shift knob of our vehicle.

We haven't fought, argued, or said anything wrong today to each other.

"A weird sense of peace in otherwise ****ed up situation"


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## Zippy the chimp (May 15, 2012)

Was in the same spot last week my wife cried quite a few times, good or bad stuff it didn't matter. Good stuff made her cry because she does see how much I love her and the things I do for her, bad stuff she knows just how hurt I am,, how broken at times I feel. You feel sad when they cry like that but also I don't know a sense that they are starting to get it the sadness the hurt the pain.
As for the angry words u guys had, she has to understand you don't always have control over your words or emotions, I have asked my wife to try and be the bigger person if we have words or if I say some of those types of things I just simply have to get that stuff out, you must vent the anger somewhere.


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## WorkOnIt (Jun 6, 2012)

Thanks Zippy. Words of wisdom, and healthy thoughts can bless me through the day today. This roller coaster has to stop somewhere. I suppose you and I HOPEFULLY are some of the lucky ones where our spouses have realized the relationship IS what's most important.
I just get so frustrated at the lack of her ability to see the true damages.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

WorkOnIt said:


> Curious from some of those who've had a successful R and from a woman's perspective as well some of the things that can reintroduce the love bank feelings and build them. I already know the A is over, and that she will Affair proof her marriage now.
> 
> So how to start all over and start a new 8 years?.
> Just a little in limbo. My love language is physical touch, and her's is affirmation.
> ...


Fortunately, I found a good IC who was able to help me through this. The technique is a variation on breathing meditation. It's called "naming your demons." It's described in detail in one of Jack Kornfield's books, but basically you calm yourself w/ breathing meditation, then address whatever is threatening you by calling its name. Eg, often what we confront is fear of abandonment. While meditating, repeat the name of that fear over and over, until it becomes small in your mind. You can get to a point where you can do this even in a public place. Works for me.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Take it from a guy who still has not learned but is trying - watch the anger. We can justify just about everything we say but seriously watch it. That comment you made to your wife is one I could make and have and it just hurts the wife. Like I said we can justify it but it does not help. you said it and then had a sucky night.

Anger and bitterness are two toxic poisens and we need to get rid of them.

Easier said then done.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

WorkOnIt said:


> Yesterday was hard. Lots of triggers, lots of mind movies. Verbalized much of everything in a not happy way. We both ended up going to bed quite upset. I just felt so much rage at the A, and thoughts of someone touching my spouse, and vice versa. She she said "I love you" I erupted with "I bet you were really loving me, when getting off on him hey?"
> 
> Probably a poor choice of words last night.
> 
> ...


Yeah, my wife is starting to finally get out of her fog as well.
It's so strange to watch... like a delayed DDay spanning the
course of weeks, where it builds.

This is totally opposite of what we BS's feel like after DDay.

Some of the things my wife has said to me have been the sweetest things
in the world. Things I haven't heard or felt from her in years.

That being said, she DID rip out my heart and drive back
and forth over it ten times... so I refuse to let myself get
too excited. I'm trying to pace myself for the long haul.


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## WorkOnIt (Jun 6, 2012)

My wife has turned very loving. It's like a complete flip. I know she senses my hesitation. I know exactly where you're coming from.
I do believe she's completely out of it now, and the realization of how much she does love me, and how horrible of an offense she committed is full weight on her now. I'm just completely gun shy right now. It's going to take a whole lot of action. I find myself having to remind myself not to believe anything I hear yet, or allow myself to be vulnerable until I am 100% sure she is being 100% authentic.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

I think you may need more time to figure out if R is the way to go for you.
For many very decent, forgiving, compassionate people, this is just a dealbreaker.
I have read it is wise to wait 6 months to a yar before making any major decisions. Some folks interpret this as referring to the decison to divorce. But, making a decison to reconcile is also very major and it sounds like you decided to go that route right away.
Perhaps you need to contemplate this longer.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I think its cool she's being remorseful. But....

Not to make you trigger, but like I said in your other thread, I can't believe she was able to stand there on your wedding day and look you in the eyes and actually make marriage vows to you after recently having sex three times with another guy.

Boggles my mind. Her ability to compartmentalize is astonishing.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> I think its cool she's being remorseful. But....
> 
> Not to make you trigger, but like I said in your other thread, I can't believe she was able to stand there on your wedding day and look you in the eyes and actually make marriage vows to you after recently having sex three times with another guy.
> 
> Boggles my mind. Her ability to compartmentalize is astonishing.


Wow. I would factor that in, but slowly.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

I hope tomorrow is a better day Workingonit. I wish I could give you a word of advice but you know your wife more than we do. I suppose little things like the hand holding could give some encouragement. From what I'm reading though, you're both on the right track and your wife has gone beyond remorse to actually show empathy which is a very positive sign. 

I don't know, for some reason lately I've started to shift to Pro R.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

Complexity said:


> I hope tomorrow is a better day Workingonit. I wish I could give you a word of advice but you know your wife more than we do. From what I'm reading though, you're both on the right track and your wife has gone beyond remorse to actually show empathy.
> 
> I don't know, for some reason lately I've started to shift to Pro R.


Case by case. Remorse and empathy seem to be the determinative factors, provided it is not a dealbreaker for the BS.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Boggles my mind. Her ability to compartmentalize is astonishing.


My wife has that same "talent".

I think it stems from how she was taught to deal with things at a very early age. 
She doesn't even realize she does it. The great wall builder.

Sometimes I wonder where the line gets drawn between 
being great at compartmentalizing and being flat out bi-polar.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Just be aware, that just like a BS, the WS also rides the emotional roller coaster of emotions. One day they feel remorseful, then next they also trigger, and their mind is back in the affair. We've seen that enough here. Usually when the WS is starting to waffle, the BS starts running straight into R. We've also read the stories where the WS is crying a lot and the turned out to be crocodile tears. So keep observing.

She has to be consistent and not backslide as they so often do. So far it looks like she's sorry she got caught, not that she's sorry for the hurt she caused you. I've found this table is a fairly good guide when it comes to remorse. With true remorse come compassion toward your feelings instead of just focusing on her own. 










When she's totally in the left column on a consistent basis is when you know that she's truly remorseful. Continue to be wary, continue to verify NC, and that she's willingly transparent and compassionate for your hurt feelings, not just sad about what she's done.

There's another member named ing, whose WW put on some really great remorseful performances, yet she was still in the affair. So don't drop your guard.


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## WorkOnIt (Jun 6, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> Just be aware, that just like a BS, the WS also rides the emotional roller coaster of emotions. One day they feel remorseful, then next they also trigger, and their mind is back in the affair. We've seen that enough here. Usually when the WS is starting to waffle, the BS starts running straight into R. We've also read the stories where the WS is crying a lot and the turned out to be crocodile tears. So keep observing.
> 
> She has to be consistent and not backslide as they so often do. So far it looks like she's sorry she got caught, not that she's sorry for the hurt she caused you. I've found this table is a fairly good guide when it comes to remorse. With true remorse come compassion toward your feelings instead of just focusing on her own.
> 
> ...


Completely in the left column in every aspect. In fact she seriously has not gone on the computer, phone, OR even left my sight for 1 second in months. Really. Not for one second. 
I took a few months off work and we've spent every moment as I think that is paramount in salvaging anything if two people want to, not to mention my headspace was too ****ed up to even consider trying to go to work if I wanted to save my family. What I do for work, I'd probably have burnt myself to a crisp, dropped thousands of pounds of steel on myself, or cut appendages off by now with lack of focus. There's no humanly way possible she's had any contact to be honest. None. We have one pc in the house. I have it keylogged. The phone I verify calls. There would also be no point in continuing it, because we are moving over 1000 km away within the next few days for a good job / new beginning. I've told her very clearly that even one contact with him via email, or whatever, and she loses her family, and I will divorce her. She knows I will. Knowing now what she had to lose, and her realizing how much she loves me and that the grass is NO greener, I think she's telling the truth that she did learn a big big lesson.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

WorkOnIt said:


> Completely in the left column in every aspect. In fact she seriously has not gone on the computer, phone, OR even left my sight for 1 second in months. Really. Not for one second.
> I took a few months off work and we've spent every moment as I think that is paramount in salvaging anything if two people want to, not to mention my headspace was too ****ed up to even consider trying to go to work if I wanted to save my family. What I do for work, I'd probably have burnt myself to a crisp, dropped thousands of pounds of steel on myself, or cut appendages off by now with lack of focus. There's no humanly way possible she's had any contact to be honest. None. We have one pc in the house. I have it keylogged. The phone I verify calls. There would also be no point in continuing it, because we are moving over 1000 km away within the next few days for a good job / new beginning. I've told her very clearly that even one contact with him via email, or whatever, and she loses her family, and I will divorce her. She knows I will. Knowing now what she had to lose, and her realizing how much she loves me and that the grass is NO greener, I think she's telling the truth that she did learn a big big lesson.


Sounds alot like me. I told H if he has so much as ONE contact w/her-one that HE starts or HE responds to-He is a single man. No questions asked. This is his LAST chance. So far he is right with me every minute just like your wife. I think he found out that the reason the grass was greener on the other side was because he was watering it on THAT side and letting THIS side wither away.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

WorkOnIt said:


> Completely in the left column in every aspect. In fact she seriously has not gone on the computer, phone, OR even left my sight for 1 second in months. Really. Not for one second.
> I took a few months off work and we've spent every moment as I think that is paramount in salvaging anything if two people want to, not to mention my headspace was too ****ed up to even consider trying to go to work if I wanted to save my family. What I do for work, I'd probably have burnt myself to a crisp, dropped thousands of pounds of steel on myself, or cut appendages off by now with lack of focus. There's no humanly way possible she's had any contact to be honest. None. We have one pc in the house. I have it keylogged. The phone I verify calls. There would also be no point in continuing it, because we are moving over 1000 km away within the next few days for a good job / new beginning. I've told her very clearly that even one contact with him via email, or whatever, and she loses her family, and I will divorce her. She knows I will. Knowing now what she had to lose, and her realizing how much she loves me and that the grass is NO greener, I think she's telling the truth that she did learn a big big lesson.


Empathy toward what you're feeling is huge, but it seems like you definitely have your bases covered when it comes to NC. And we all NC is essential for any R to happen. She's going thru her withdrawal period too, so keep that in mind. Hopefully you will be one of the success stories here. R is very difficult, even under the best of circumstances. But it looks like you guys have a fighting chance.


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## WorkOnIt (Jun 6, 2012)

Got some more trickle truth yesterday. Hurt like hell .Details. Ugh. Although, I did gain a bit of respect by the honesty. That's a good sign in my opinion. I didn't like the content, but the effort to come clean was the right thing to do. Sometimes knowing everything is the worst, but I guess complete honesty is what will eventually allow one to heal, no matter how bad the things are.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Try to apear calm with the latest revelations, create a safe enviroment so she feels encouraged and keep the momentum... hopely she spills the beans once for all. Tell her it's to pit all behind!:scratchhead:


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## DiZ (May 15, 2012)

WorkOnIt said:


> See my spouse in true remorse, R mode.. Reading books, trying to figure out how to fix us, but I still don't know if she understands the true damage to ME over this. It's like she's ok, recognized the grass was no greener, he was a douche etc etc, but she wants to just move on from this and fix us. Perhaps she feels too guilty seeing me in such pain that she's blocking out things? She told me she's actually having a hard time remembering what his face looks like but if she was to see him in person she would recognize him. Either way we're doing ok. I still have waves of pain that hit me 4 months later, and I try and cope, but sometimes the tears just roll. I still have a habit of asking "Why" and still sometimes feel I am being TOO hard on her when I can clearly see that it's over and she's out of the fog. I just wish we could switch places inside each other for a day so she could see the true damage. It's hard to feel the same for someone you were madly in love with after such a thing, and it hurts her to know that I do love her but probably don't feel the same at all. I hope it gets easier, and better, and that I can learn to love this new person I am married to, and not the one that died in my mind on DDAY. ... Hoping this all gets easier. I do love her but I just wish she could be me for a day. She IS doing things to fix stuff, eg being closer, completely NC and I know this for a fact since she's been under lockdown since DDAY not left my side even once, my pc is keylogged, certain websites / words blocked.. She's doing all she can to show me. I'm just finding it hard to move on. Anyone have some good tips on how I can not be so hard on her to feed the love bank required to help her keep building back the connection to me, without me blowing it with my anger, sadness, and overall blah feeling?


I do not know if I have any tips for you but just to tell you I sure know how you feel.

My hubby had a few EA's and it's very hard to get over. I doubt I ever will fully get over them or get back the full love I used to feel for him.

We are doing ok but sometimes like you said it comes in waves. Like hitting a brick wall. He will inadvertently call me what I saw he called her on an e mail and I just want to scream at him. How can you be so stupid and call me the same endearment you called her?

Like you said I wish we could change places just for a few minutes so he could fell the pain I fell and understand why I am still so very hurt and probably always will be.


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## WorkOnIt (Jun 6, 2012)

On the ferry now. Move 1000 km away in progress. OM did something yesterday that burst the bubble in response to a Craigslist post I had left for him knowing he reads it. He basically insulted my WW saying how she's not the first nor the last and it really hurt her feelings to finally realize he was just a pig. Starting over now. I think in a way she was still in the fog until he called her "easy". Shrug. My biggest concern is that she did this to me. I could care less about the OM other than I wish him a fiery car wreck and slow burn in it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

WorkOnIt said:


> On the ferry now. Move 1000 km away in progress. OM did something yesterday that burst the bubble in response to a Craigslist post I had left for him knowing he reads it. He basically insulted my WW saying how she's not the first nor the last and it really hurt her feelings to finally realize he was just a pig. Starting over now. I think in a way she was still in the fog until he called her "easy". Shrug. My biggest concern is that she did this to me. I could care less about the OM other than I wish him a fiery car wreck and slow burn in it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Workonit- Yes be glad he hurt her feelings. He is forcing her to see him for WHO he really is and not her fantasy of him! My h's AP did that too in a less direct way but he still had to see that she is a biatch and has NOTHING on me. He chose a piece of sh*t to mess up his marriage with and now he knows SHE was NOTHING! So does your wife. Be glad.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

She already stated she knew OM was a loser, she allegedly already depised him, she knew already OM only wanted to get laid. Anyway she didn't mind, it wasn't that bad for her ego, she was persued, she felt desired from someone else, right? But now she knew there was more women. Ego blow. She was not more than a faceless hole.
More than defogging it can play two ways: She get depressed, paralized and wallows in self pity, which is wrong, or she uses it as lesson learned for the future (shame is a good deterrent) and step up into fixing herslef and what she broke.


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## WorkOnIt (Jun 6, 2012)

Very true thanks. Still struggling on but feels good to be 1000 km away for now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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