# Husband went to meet his 15 yr old son for the 1st time



## Goodgrl (Jun 21, 2013)

Since receiving the court summons, my husband has been wondering about this child. The mother has yet to reach out to us, so I suggested he go meet him himself. Being that I used to be friends with the mother, I suggested we go to her grandmother's house. Guess who lives with his great-grandmother, the child. Come to find out, the mother doesn't even have a relationship with her son. Even when she moved to another city,she had left him here. After introducing ourselves (of course her grandmother already knew me because she practically helped raise me), the son was really open with us. My husband explained to him the situation from his side. After talking with him, we find out he had been told my husband was his father when he was around 11 or 12 & was told my husband didn't want to have anything to do with him. He was told he has a wife & kids & they we wanted nothing to do with him. We explained that wasn't the truth. To make a long story short we ended up telling our kids today also. They wanted to meet him. We let the kids meet. My son was excited, my daughter on the other hand, not so happy about this whole situation. I think this was all too much for her. I'm still not sure how I feel. But I know my husband & my son were happy, I also think my husband's son was too. It's just us girls feeling some kind of way


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Can the biological mother receive child support when the child is not even living with her? Does the great grandmother have some sort of custody or guardianship? How does such a situation work for child support?


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

It would be nice if you were able to work things out. It's not the kid's fault. But I had the same question. Why would the mother be entitled to support if she isn't even raising the child?

Your H needs to start asking some serious questions.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Try to keep to one thread so the folks here can follow your situation by subscribing to your thread. As it is , one has to search for other threads to see what you are talking about.


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## Goodgrl (Jun 21, 2013)

SaltInWound said:


> Can the biological mother receive child support when the child is not even living with her? Does the great grandmother have some sort of custody or guardianship? How does such a situation work for child support?


I'm assuming the state doesn't know that the child doesn't even live with her. I'm pretty sure there is no type of agreement, this is the same person the biological mom was left with when she was a child.


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## Goodgrl (Jun 21, 2013)

Robsia said:


> It would be nice if you were able to work things out. It's not the kid's fault. But I had the same question. Why would the mother be entitled to support if she isn't even raising the child?
> 
> Your H needs to start asking some serious questions.


He is now, I'm happy he didn't wait on the court to have his first meeting. I have a feeling by the time we go to court in September, my husband might be asking for some type of custody, at least 1/2. We also found out the child gets bullied at his current school & he no longer wants to go there. The neighborhood he lives in is not that great either. After meeting him I realized I would be open to accepting him, you are right it's not his fault & I find myself wanting what's best for him as I do for my own kids.


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## Goodgrl (Jun 21, 2013)

chapparal said:


> Try to keep to one thread so the folks here can follow your situation by subscribing to your thread. As it is , one has to search for other threads to see what you are talking about.


Ok, thanks, I'm new to message boards, I read the rules but maybe I missed that one.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Goodgrl said:


> Ok, thanks, I'm new to message boards, I read the rules but maybe I missed that one.


I don't believe it's about rules. It's more vets experience, you will receive more accurate advice if you stick to one thread when it's about the same subject.



Hope your daughter get better with this suddden change, maybe you can talk to the school counselor to get some advice.

Hang in there friend.

ETA, check your PMs,' i'm going to send you one.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Child support is intended for the child, not the other parent. But it would be a question best posed to your husband's lawyer as to who should be receiving the payments. Most likely, it would the child's guardian, if it wasn't the mother. 

Even if you take his son in with you now, there could still be years of back-payments due. Again, a lawyer can help with all those questions better than untrained professionals on the Internet. And I'm sure you would do this anyway, but make sure your daughter is considered in all this as well... Her feelings are important too, even if they aren't the only thing to consider.

C


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Your a good woman. I know this might be extremely difficult for you but what you did by going was a great first step. If you show your daughter your strength...she will follow your lead. This 15 year old is a innocent and could probably use some great new role models. Best of luck to you!!


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

PBear, It seems rather obvious CS will finance OW's lifestyle, instead of being used to provide OC (other child) necesities: that's what this child's grandma is doing since the very begginning, as she did with OW before. I highly doubt there's anything you can do about it, it's on grandma's hands to reclaim it but she won't ever challenge OW in fear she will get the child away in spite.


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## Goodgrl (Jun 21, 2013)

PBear said:


> Child support is intended for the child, not the other parent. But it would be a question best posed to your husband's lawyer as to who should be receiving the payments. Most likely, it would the child's guardian, if it wasn't the mother.
> 
> Even if you take his son in with you now, there could still be years of back-payments due. Again, a lawyer can help with all those questions better than untrained professionals on the Internet. And I'm sure you would do this anyway, but make sure your daughter is considered in all this as well... Her feelings are important too, even if they aren't the only thing to consider.
> 
> C


We are getting a lawyer, I'm also a certified paralegal, that was my professional before starting my own business. I've noticed a lot of fathers are requesting joint custody, I cant believe I'm saying this, but I would really like that option at least so we can put the child in a better school (we live in a better area in a better school district). I just don't want to jump to quick & do things to fast, but I am a mother & those instincts just kick in, especially when I feel a child is in need. 

My daughter is my priority, I'm just going to wait until she is ready to discuss this with us, I'm going to just give her the space she needs right now.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

I just want to say I like the way you are managing yourself at the sight of this nightmare. You seem to have a good head in your shoulders and the heart in the right side.
Hope the better for you nad your family, whatever it is.


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## Goodgrl (Jun 21, 2013)

Acabado said:


> PBear, It seems rather obvious CS will finance OW's lifestyle, instead of being used to provide OC (other child) necesities: that's what this child's grandma is doing since the very begginning, as she did with OW before. I highly doubt there's anything you can do about it, it's on grandma's hands to reclaim it but she won't ever challenge OW in fear she will get the child away in spite.


That is something we plan to challenge, we don't mind paying whomever is raising the child, if he live with great-grandmother, then she should get the the money. We are definitely looking into our legal options, as well as what both OC & great-grandmother may want. The great-grandmother is in her late 80's, I'm sure it's hard for trying to raise him


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## Goodgrl (Jun 21, 2013)

Acabado said:


> I just want to say I like the way you are managing yourself at the sight of this nightmare. You seem to have a good head in your shoulders and the heart in the right side.
> Hope the better for you nad your family, whatever it is.



Thanks, after meeting the OC, I started to feel totally different about the situation. It's a daily challenge, but I'm feeling optimistic.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You are such an amazing person. :smnotworthy:


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Goodgrl said:


> That is something we plan to challenge, we don't mind paying whomever is raising the child, if he live with great-grandmother, then she should get the the money. We are definitely looking into our legal options, as well as what both OC & great-grandmother may want. The great-grandmother is in her late 80's, I'm sure it's hard for trying to raise him


I think everything you are doing is awesome. When you talk to the lawyer tell him the GM'S age. 

Something you and your husband will have to discuss is the possibility of full custody. If it is determined she abandoned her child and the GM is too old, they may give you full custody.

Yes, I've seen that happen.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Goodgirl,

I am glad you were open to helping the boy. I am sorry for your daughter having a tough time but you can use this as a great teaching moment. 

2 of my three boys are adopted. They live with me full time. My EX does not treat them like her biological child so it has been tough on them. They took to my gf because she gives them love. She hugs them and kisses them more than their own mother. It isn't about biology sometimes, it's really about the love in your heart.

As for child support and custody, I have my oldest two full time, but I pay my EX child support for them right now. I do that because I have been establishing that they want to live with me and it is best for them. This will change sometime next year.

Your husband and you need to decide what is best for you, the boy, and your family. The boy obviously could benefit from your family, and hopefully you will find a scenario that will be beneficial to everyone. God bless and good luck to you.


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## Goodgrl (Jun 21, 2013)

Talked to a lawyer yesterday, come to find out the mother is on welfare & has been since the child was born & it's the state who initiated the suit. We also found out, she has had a total of 5 guys tested before naming my husband. That can work in our favor as far as back child support is concerned. So right now we are just waiting for court in September. 

Another thing the mother contacted me on Facebook saying she would never be jealous if her child formed a relationship with us. I'm not sure we're that came from or her point. :scratchhead: Maybe the child said something to make her feel that way. im sure he grandmother called her right after we left on Saturday & told her we came by. She still has yet to contact my husband. But he wants no contact with her at all, my husband is a great father, he is like a father to our kids friends who don't have one. I think the fact that he has a child he has missed out on 15 years is really bothering him.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

There should be no back child support if there was no order to pay the support. That is my logic at least but with courts who knows. The mother wouldn't be jealous of 'YOU', not your family. She thinks you would probably be a better mother to the boy and she is probably right.

I have my two oldest all the time and I only get my youngest half the time. I miss him when he is not there. I do, but when he is with me I make sure I don't 'smother' him. Have you decided what you want to do with the boy?

I love all my kids, 2 of them were not born to me, but they are my sons as much as my biological son. Your story has a great interest to me.


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## Goodgrl (Jun 21, 2013)

I'm not sure yet, after talking to the lawyer, we have options and rights ( I say we because my husband as always leaves the major decisions up to me). I don't want to overwhelm the OC and him feel like we are trying to change things and take over his life. Although, he really does seem like a nice kid, I don't want to put too much into this and he turns out to be a terror and resent my husband for not being there & try to make our lives a living hell. It's clear our kids have lived a better life as far as having love and support from both parents, nice home, nice things etc. 

Ideally a part of me wants us to have joint custody so we can take some of the burden off the great-grandmother and at least get him into a better school & share some of the things afforded to our kids with him. After the mother contacting me and even though she only wrote one sentence this time, I feel like she wouldn't even be open to that. I feel as though she has some type of resent me towards me, from our previous contact, that might be why she made that not being jealous statement.


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

Goodgrl said:


> I'm not sure yet, after talking to the lawyer, we have options and rights ( I say we because my husband as always leaves the major decisions up to me). I don't want to overwhelm the OC and him feel like we are trying to change things and take over his life. Although, he really does seem like a nice kid, I don't want to put too much into this and he turns out to be a terror and resent my husband for not being there & try to make our lives a living hell. It's clear our kids have lived a better life as far as having love and support from both parents, nice home, nice things etc.
> 
> Ideally a part of me wants us to have joint custody so we can take some of the burden off the great-grandmother and at least get him into a better school & share some of the things afforded to our kids with him. After the mother contacting me and even though she only wrote one sentence this time, I feel like she wouldn't even be open to that. I feel as though she has some type of resent me towards me, from our previous contact, that might be why she made that not being jealous statement.


Ask him what he would like he is 15 he should have a decent idea. Just be warned MANY kids with broken moms come with major issues I know I am one. You could start slow with like weekends and move on from there that would be a good compromise the problem comes that he is getting to the age of being on his own so your husband has a limited window to experience this time.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

If the state had to look up the father and your husband was named there should be no reason that your husband should not be able to get at least joint custody.

For me, my two oldest boys live with me. They do not want to go to my EX wifes. She was a WS. We have joint custody but she was a SAHM. It was the best I could do at the time of the divorce.

What I am doing is establishing a pattern of my kids being with me so when I am ready I will go back to court and get full custody. Establishing a pattern for what you want is important as it shows what the child is used to. It is easier to get what you want in court by having a baseline of behavior.

I'm not pressing my issue now. I'm waiting until I have a well established pattern of behavior. It takes time. Just being there is huge though. You are doing a great job.


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## Goodgrl (Jun 21, 2013)

MovingAhead said:


> If the state had to look up the father and your husband was named there should be no reason that your husband should not be able to get at least joint custody.
> 
> For me, my two oldest boys live with me. They do not want to go to my EX wifes. She was a WS. We have joint custody but she was a SAHM. It was the best I could do at the time of the divorce.
> 
> ...


Thanks. I pray it all works out, as I'm sure it will. I wish courts really meant what they say about doing things for the best interest of the child, regardless of the mothers. We automatically get all the power because of the false presumption it's best for a child to be with their mom, no matter the type of parent, let alone person she is. It takes a lot to be a single dad.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Yep, it is hard for both genders, but worse for men when it comes to custody issues. It is slowly getting better. I remember when a woman being made to pay CS was rare. Now, statistically speaking, women have a higher percentage, no not number, of deadbeats than dads.

I was a single parent dad and that's why I know the ins and outs of child custody issues for my state. Nope, not as good as a lawyer.


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Now, statistically speaking, women have a higher percentage, no not number, of deadbeats than dads.


How can you have a higher percentage, but not a higher number?


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Robsia said:


> How can you have a higher percentage, but not a higher number?


10% of 1000 is a lower percentage but a higher number than 20% of 100.


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

The original comment was unclear. Maybe I misread it.

But it read as if women now made up a higher percentage of the total of deadbeat parents than did men.

If 55% of [total] are women, then 45% of [total] are men. If [total] = 20,000 (for example) the number of women will be higher than the number of men.

However, the original comment was a little unclear, hence my request for clarification.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Goodgirl, take it all nice and slow. There's no need rush.

As they say, more haste, less speed.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Robsia said:


> The original comment was unclear. Maybe I misread it.
> 
> But it read as if women now made up a higher percentage of the total of deadbeat parents than did men.
> 
> ...


You're right, the comment was unclear. I read it as the percentage of non-custodial mothers who are deadbeat parents is higher than the percentage of non-custodial fathers who are deadbeat parents. The fact that fathers make up the bulk of non-custodial parents would mean that the percentage of deadbeat moms was higher than the percentage of deadbeat dads despite there being more deadbeat dads overall.

I'm neither confirming or denying those stats, I just don't care enough to look it up.


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

^OIC

That would make more sense - you're probably right.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

GG- I am truly impressed by your handling of this one. I'd like to think that I could have done the same if I were in your shoes.

Best wishes
WD


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## Goodgrl (Jun 21, 2013)

So my husband has tried reaching out to his son on several occasions to try to get to spend time with and each time the son has declined. The child's mother also had the son call my husband to try to force the son to get a haircut, I felt that was wrong. I mean my husband hasnt been in his life for 15 years how dare she try to use him to discipline him, he doesnt know my husband well enough for that. My husband feels that the son's family is pressuring him to try to ask us for things and that the son doesn't want to, so he is avoiding him. My husband told him take as much time as he needs to process this. But I do believe the mother is in her child's ear and she expecting my husband to jump right in being Daddy without them even getting a chance to know each other.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Maybe you could offer him to talk to a third party (counselor of hs choice).
I can understand this kid's reluctance, even more given the family presure.
Do you know something abut this kid's likes/dislikes? What kind of friends he has? How is he doing at school? Maybe doing something light and fun as watching sports or whatever he would like to do... 
I think if this kid is going to trust your husband he must be armed with a huge deal of patience and showing him consistently who your husband is. He's not used to trust anyone except maybe grandma. It's him the one who needs to make the moves.
Has him expressed any interest in meeting his half siblings?

This is a difficult situation fro everyone involved. I don't believe there's a road map, but adaptation.


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