# What should I do?



## NRG (Nov 9, 2010)

I am lost here. I have been a real ass during our breakup. I have handled things very badly. Here is a little breakdown.

wife and I were married for 5 years, together for 10.

On October 27th she told me she wanted a divorce, she claimed it was over smoking. I can see this, as on the 25th, she started withholding sex, I got upset and kind of stormed off. She said, instead of keeping yourself busy, try quitting smoking. Anyways, she started withdrawing completely, and then said she went to a divorce attorney on the 27th of Nov. I think there was an issue with me staying out late at night during our time together. I had been out late about 6 times over the progression of relationship. I did not do anything, but she was left to ponder, and her mind to race. I had stayed out a month before she asked for the divorce, it was at my buddy Phil's. She asked me when I got home, I told her I got home around 4:30a. On Nov 13th, I went away for a football game. I received a text from her that we were over, and I was hiding so much debt. She had found a bill from my dad's old company, it had nothing to do with us. It could in no way be linked to us. She told me I needed to move outAnyways, I put the effort into the relationship over the progression over the coming months Oct-Dec. She was still distant, however, we started sleeping on the same bed again. Then she went away for a few weeks out of town, she called me every night, we text alot, and she started saying she loved me again. I went to visit her for NYE, and we had sex again, first time since Oct 24th. We hit it off for the whole month of Jan. We were deeply in love again. Then we filed the divorce papers on Jan 14th, we did it holding hands and kissing. Then on the 24th of Jan, the papers showed up asking for more information to be filed. Then on feb 2nd, she said she wanted to end the relationship because of me staying out at night from previous. This upset me, and I said if it bothers you this much, why didn't you leave back then? She started crying, hard. I tried consoling her on but I guess I missed the fact that it was me who caused the pain to her. The following morning we were to go into the Marriage Therapist. When we were there, she brought up 3 things that bothered her, but said they are not important. The therapist said well what is important? She could not say. She downgraded me to friends w benefits essentially. She wanted me to move out. Her real issue was the Foundation of our marriage, as she refers to it, is effed because of me staying out at night late, but she never directly said it. After the appt, I told her if I am going to move out, she will never see me again. I drove off, ignored her phone calls, and texts till I got cooled down a little. She made her decision from that point to end the marriage. Friday, I was running on high emotion, and was still flipping out. She had a friend coming in from out of town, so I was to leave and stay @ a friends house. I left by giving her a kiss, and told her I looked forward to getting back home on Sunday. Over the weekend, things just went downhill. On saturday, she told me it was over between us, I accepted, as I had been sick of the relationship moving all over the place. Then she asked if I would stay at my friend's house for Sunday. I was pissed, so I hung up on her, then told her I will stay at my friends, I told her sorry for being so short. Then on Monday, I went to help her with her car. When I got there, the car was set to be picked up on Sunday, which she told me nothing about. This made me a little angry, but not so much. Then I saw her, did not give her a hug or anything, as I was a little upset with what was going on. We did not say much in the car on the ride back, however she did tell me she wanted me to move out. She was gonna be gone for a few days for some space. I told her I would not being home either, as it would be hurtful to be in the house alone. She told me she left the dog at the house, and I would need to go get him. Around 4:30p she texts me asking me if I had gotten the dog. I told her no, I will have our neighbor let him out when he gets home. I was able to get the dog around 7:30p. I then told her, and she said she had a problem with that she would discuss later. Mind you, I am not getting any phone calls, everything is being done through text and my requests for her to talk where met with "not right now". I continued to stay at my friends house. On Wed I sent her an apology email, but I guess I missed the points she wanted to hear, she sent me an email in return that read like a screed, and I needed to move on right now. Then she sent me a text aksing if I was ok, and her email was not too harsh. I tried calling her right away, but she ignored the call, then sent me a text that she could not talk right now. I went on to apologize for saying what I did the week earlier about her leaving before, I told her I would have never wanted that to happen as I love her too much. She responded with "I know, what happened, happened, u just took forever to, "get it"" then 30 minutes later she said "Sorry, very tired and too much for me to talk just yet". Then Thursday, Itold her I would like to talk to her more about what had happened on Wed. I did not hear from her at all Thursday till late at night. Unfortunately, I was feeling lost and alone, and a girl picked me up at a bar. I went home with her, but did not have sex with her. Around the same time I got text messages from her 

"What day will u be completely out of house? I stayed away all week to give u time to move yet selfishly u ...just continue to do the same"

"While I have to work a lot can't focus and stay w/ as many friends possible I just don't understand why ur doing this why u respond Zero to giving me dog"

"I hurt I'm lonely and the last thing I want is yet one more conversation about whatever "

"U r holding on and exhausting me, ur excuse is being "immature" when in actually it was pure selfishness. "

"Being "immature" for how deeply u hurt me in beginning of our marriage is most lame excuse I can imagine yet"

Well, I went straight home, hoping she would be there, she was not. So I stayed there at the house that night.

I sent her a text in the morning

"I have taken a while to respond because I needed to step back and asess. I will be moved by saturday night. My plan was to pack on friday(very little amount of stuff needs to be boxed), move on saturday. I am sorry if you were thinking I would be out by thursday. We need to be able to communicate more clearly. Though, I do feel you came by to talk, and see if I was moving out, or already moved out. when I was not here or I was not moved out, you were most likely upset. But I am just guessing here, so please don't take offense if I got it wrong. I would have enjoyed seeing you had I known you were going to come back to the house. I am sorry we were not here. I know you have to work alot, I feel you work quite a bit, which is good. i know the feeling of not being able to focus. I also can also sympthazie with you with being at friend's houses. i am not trying to do anything, I said I would be out by this weekend, and I intend to keep this promise. I did not respond to the depiro request because the text did not come in till 937p, remember the phones send out texts at weird times sometimes. You can also see this evidenced in my "what isn't" text. Sorry if you felt I was ignoring you on it. I do truly care for you, very very much, more than care for you. For , I thought he would be the dog that moved with me, in fact you left him @ the house. Yes, he was your graduation present, but I felt that you left him for me, and for him to be with me. I am so sorry you are hurt and lonely. I don't want you to hurt. I am not holding on, I fully intend to move out by saturday. I am sorry that you feel I am exhausting you. You are absolutely right, it is just an excuse when I say of being "immature" it was selfish, I won't disagree. It was selfish because I did not consider you @ the time. I did not consider how you would have felt, nor how I would have felt had that happened to me. , I never wanted to hurt you, never, I always want you to be happy, always will. There is alot more to say ..."

She just came back to me asking for the dog. Through out the day, she was hounding me essentially. Then she asked if I was at home. I said 

"yes, would you like me to leave so you can get something" She responded with 

"Apparently so, u said u were done at 1. The one time I wanted to come home the entire week ur there. God". I sent this back "Come. I will leave I did not say I would be done @ 1" I asked her how long she was going to be there. She sent this to me

"Just never mind don't worry about it I was just hoping for 30 min home but u were there and could have ebeen all week just never mind" 

Later she sent this:

"I went by 2:30 ur car there and garage open. I wanted to go before lmft just forget it"

Then I admitted to her I started smoking again, and that I lied to her about smoking a week or so ago. I did not hear from her till the next morning. She asked me if I was OK, then told me she is sorry, this is just a culmination of alt of serious let downs. I told I thought the house and my phone was bugged. She denied this, but there are too many instances of something I would say in the house would show up in my texts from her. Then at the end of the day, as I was getting the last of the stuf out of the house, I sent her a text message apologizing for being emotionally abusive to her, she said she did not think I was abusive to her, but said thanks and was no too sure why I thought that. I then followed that text up with telling her I had cuddled with someone else. She flipped, told me to never contact her again. she followed up with me the following day to make sure I got everything out of the house. Then later in the evening, I told her I thought she was being manipulative, and I told her I cuddled with someone else for a reaction from her. She said I hurt her the same, I should go cuddle with my new lover. We did not talk for 3 days afterwords. I woke up in the morning, and sent her a text that said, I love you, want to be with you, and want to see you. She said us seeing each other right now would not be healthy. I apologized for my comment outside of the therapist office, which she accepted. Then I sent an email apology letter to her, which I completely regretted. So I broke into her email account and deleted it. However, I was not able to put her password back. I told her I accidentally deleted her acct, and I got it back up for her. I gave her instructions on how to reset the password, and to let me know if it gives her any fits. I never heard back from her. So, that made an error, and upset her. Again, 3 days went by that we did not talk. She called me raging pissed, after getting off the phone with the cable company. She told me to do nothing else, she will figure it out herself. Then on Sunday, she sends this to me and our conversation ensues

Her: "I am Disgusted u allowed me to drive in such unsafe tires. How could u. The car place was shocked. Enjoy ur new life. and also Disgusted u told me oh sorry I emotionally abused u then in next text oh sorry I cuddled with someone last night. U r unbelievable, unbelievable. And my email ordeal during internship match week just to top it offf. Don't even Bother calling me Bull****. Goodbye"

Me: I told the car place you needed tires. Ferman knew you needed tires. I told your mom you needed new tires.

I am truly sorry about the text, I don't know what I was thinking. I was just .... Not thinking.

Her: Stay out of my life, u knew what u did and u have put me thru more hell than I ever imagined goodbye **** off and go cuddle 

Me: Your email was a mistake. When I tlaked to TWC on Friday the 11th, They said you would set up a new account and it would done on Tyesday. So I figured you Already had it setup, and then you could add your email back to your new account. I was not trying to mess with you.

Her: Its called Selfish, just like u werew when we first dated just like u were during final exams first semester after we married don't give me ur poor me immature Bull****.

I'm so disappointed and also disgusted I put up with it$ oh no u were definitely messing with me I have proof GoodBYE

Stop texting me to make urself feel better.

Me: , I am sorry it is. I am not trying to say poor me, it is you that matters

I am not tryimg to make myself feel better.

I am trying to make you feel better.

I was not messing with you.

I am so ashamed of how I have behaved during this.

What would I accomplish ny turning your email off? It would just piss you off?

Mess with important, really important things. I would not want to do that to you.


This went on for awhile. Then she busted out the cuddling. I never admitted it that day. However, I sent her some texts about cuddling and admitting my error. I did not hear from her. So 2 days later I explained about the cuddling, and what really took place, and how I viewed it as not even cuddling, as we really just laid there and talked. more or less. Then she said,

Her: Seriously, I don't even know what to say. I forgive u, now u need to forgive urself. There is no more "we" as painful as that is, but there r way too many Factors. For example, u told me u would mail those tax papers in that folder we signed And now irs contacting me b/c u didn't mail it. There's nobody else but there's no "we", I cannot live this way anymore

Me: I understand. I consumed by guilt.

Thank you for forgiving me.

Her: I don't want u to be, I'm sure there r regrets, but I don't think guilt is healthy at all. This is tragic but I can no longer live this unreliable way

Me: I did mail those tax documents, almost 3 weeks ago

Her: U don't need to thank me. U need to gain more insight about urself. 

Ur avoidance and lack of discipline ruined us. U take care

Then that day, I tried getting her email done, as she was still having issues with it. I was able to get it set up for her. She told me she was exhausted. I told her if she was anything like me, she was not sleeping well, and certainly not eating enough. I did not hear from her for a day, then at 9 o'clock she texts me "Ur Way" I ask her what that means, she says she is all upset, and to ignore her. I tell I am not trying ignore you, I just feel like you don;t want to talk to me. she does not know, she is sleep deprived, and she has got to go. Then she says, No, I don;t, and I can't done feel well, sorry. I say talk to me. She says Bye, talk to the therapist, not me, bye. I then went by her house and knocked on her door. She did not answer. I then told her sorry for stopping by. The following morning, she told me to never do that again, as it makes her very uncomfortable. I agree with her, and tell her it will never happen again. Then, I text her recently after a few days of not hearing from her, that I have not heard from her in awhile, and was wondering how she was doing. She said she cannot be in contact for now, as it is too difficult on both of us. I did not answer. She text an hour later that she was sorry, she never meant to hurt me, but it all became too much and for me to enjoy my day. She then told me that I needed to meet with her mom. She informed me she was changing her name back to her maiden name. I met with her mom, and we signed the paperwork. After we left the courthouse, her mom looked at me and told me that if I did not leave she would start crying. She did start crying, I gave her a hug, and told her it will be ok. Then we got to talking, a little, and I cam to find out my STBXW was not doing well. She was not eating, nor sleeping well. Is pretty much generally a mess. I old her mom to get her focusing on her schoolwork. 

Then today I sent her a text that said "I am sure your mom told you, we got the paperwork done". Then I followed that up with "I know you are hurting. I wish there was something I could do to make it better and easier on you. Just know that I am thinking of you, and I love you."

I don't expect to hear anything back.



What do think, I am thinking this relationship is dead. But I still have some hope to meet up with her. your opinions would be welcome.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Check out my updated story in my profile. 

You guys REALLY messed up the past few weeks. You should have just called a truce and waited for more counseling. You spent the past few weeks messing up and hurting eachother.

No, the relationship is not dead, but the chances of it working aren't great. You need to give your wife space. That may mean telling her that you messed up and want to continue MC and wait until she is ready. you guys probably need to separate for some amount of time. You are both to hurt to function right now.

I'm really sorry to hear this NRG. I think you had a good shot. You may want to say you messed up the last few weeks and still want a go at it.

At this point, all you can do is say your sorry and beg.


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

Don't beg...say your sorry and show her that you mean it...give her space...don't see her for awhile, and don't have too much contact either...stop having conversations over email, too easy to take things out of context...stop smoking again...

see a counselor on your own...

finally, when you do have contact, be positive...


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## NRG (Nov 9, 2010)

anx said:


> Check out my updated story in my profile.


I did, it reminds me of what I went through in Oct-Dec.. It is very hard for me to read it, as I wish I was in your position. It makes me almost want to cry.



anx said:


> You guys REALLY messed up the past few weeks. You should have just called a truce and waited for more counseling. You spent the past few weeks messing up and hurting eachother.


Yes, I know we messed up, very badly. If I was thinking clearly, I would have fought harder to save the relationship. How do you think she hurt me?



anx said:


> No, the relationship is not dead, but the chances of it working aren't great. You need to give your wife space. That may mean telling her that you messed up and want to continue MC and wait until she is ready. you guys probably need to separate for some amount of time. You are both to hurt to function right now.


I am glad to hear that you think the relationship is not over, as it instills a little hope in me. I know the chances are bleak, but I am willing to do what I can to save it. How should I convey to her that I want to continue therapy.



anx said:


> I'm really sorry to hear this NRG. I think you had a good shot. You may want to say you messed up the last few weeks and still want a go at it.


I think we did too, I was just frustrated at the whole thing.



anx said:


> At this point, all you can do is say your sorry and beg.


We shall see. I will not beg.


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## NRG (Nov 9, 2010)

DjF said:


> Don't beg...say your sorry and show her that you mean it...give her space...


I will not beg. 




DjF said:


> don't see her for awhile,


We have not seen each other since Feb 7th.



DjF said:


> and don't have too much contact either...


What would you consider too much contact?



DjF said:


> stop having conversations over email, too easy to take things out of context...


We have not conversed over email since the 10th, it has been all through texts.



DjF said:


> stop smoking again...


Already did today.



DjF said:


> see a counselor on your own...


I will.



DjF said:


> finally, when you do have contact, be positive...


How long should I wait till I contact her?


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

> How long should I wait till I contact her?


I don't think there is any right or wrong answer to this.

e-mail or text that you have stopped smoking, started PC, and love your wife. Give her a TON of space. 

You NEED to change and she needs to see that. You need to say your sorry for the past several month.

There might still be a chance.

When people are hurt they make stupid choices and do stupid things. You did a lot of stupid things. Say this to her. Calling a truce and waiting for MC weeks ago would put you in a very different position. All you have left is to fix yourself, which you need to anyways. Show your wife you've changed. People do reconcile after stories like yours.


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## NRG (Nov 9, 2010)

How would you deal with this? We were broken up the whole time, buy legally married.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

> We made plans to go to the beach for the day.


 If you are making plans to date other women, your relationship is over, dead, and done. If she knows about this at all, consider the relationship over.



> How would you deal with this? We were broken up the whole time, buy legally married.


 Move on, learn from how much you messed this up so you don't do it again.

NRG, we both posted our original stories at about the same time and our updates at about the same time. In that time, I did the chores, read MC books, devoted myself 100% to my marriage, and made it work. You fought with your wife, went to bars, talked to other women.

There is a sliver of a chance you can make this work, but you should move on. Definitely learn from this and don't make the mistakes again in your next relationship.



> Her: U don't need to thank me. U need to gain more insight about urself.
> 
> Ur avoidance and lack of discipline ruined us. U take care


 This.


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## NRG (Nov 9, 2010)

anx said:


> If you are making plans to date other women, your relationship is over, dead, and done. If she knows about this at all, consider the relationship over.


I had no plans to date other woman at all. I was not dating. All I did was talk to her about my marriage. She has a boyfriend, and is from out of town. I think she actually caught wind of this via my Sister-In-Law on Facebook when I Friended her. So , I don;t think she knows much, though she may.



anx said:


> Move on, learn from how much you messed this up so you don't do it again.


Trust me, I have learned my lesson. But, i am having a tough time moving on, as I love my wife too much to just move on.



anx said:


> NRG, we both posted our original stories at about the same time and our updates at about the same time. In that time, I did the chores, read MC books, devoted myself 100% to my marriage, and made it work. You fought with your wife, went to bars, talked to other women.


I did all this same work from the end of Oct-Jan, we got back together in January, which was a blissful time for both of us. At the beginning of Feb, she told me that she wanted me to move out. I freaked a little, as I viewed it as backward progress. I tried getting her to agree to moving on the 17th, as that is when I was able to get some folks to help me, she tried for the 15th. Unannounced to me, however, is the reason she wanted me to move out, was because we had originally agreed to in divorce papers for me to move out the 15th of Feb.. She still wanted the divorce, which I knew, I had just forgotten the divorce date for move out. I suspect now, if I did not move out by the 15th, the divorce filing would be null. Over the weekend why i was away @ a friend's she told me we were over! That I must accept reality and move on, and we cannot contiue the pain together, and we must hurt alone. I am sure you can imagine how much this hurt. You see, my ex-wife has the same issues as your wife does, not telling you when they are hurt. They just withdraw, then bomb the relationship, though I don't know if your wife went to such drastic measures. When she said she wanted me to move out, I was hurt, very badly. I did make a ton of mistakes. The only reason I went to a bar was for people to talk to. Yes, most of the row this time is my fault in the aftermath.



anx said:


> There is a sliver of a chance you can make this work, but you should move on. Definitely learn from this and don't make the mistakes again in your next relationship.
> 
> This.


What do you mean a sliver? How do you move on, but look at a sliver of hope? I am confused on this.


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