# Sex life after porn and lies



## loveroflove (Dec 14, 2015)

DH and I were best friends in high school and even dated for a short period of time before we graduated. We went to separate rival colleges and parted ways for almost ten years. I married, had three children, and divorced. When I moved home, I ran back into him. Sparks flew and we have been inseparable ever since. We are best friends and connect on a whole different level. All of our friends sense the bond we have, and often say they hope to find a love like ours. It's true that we have an incredibly unique connection that I know I wouldn't get with anyone else. We laugh so much together and enjoy cuddling each other often. To get to the point, our sex life was awesome in the beginning. It fizzled about a year into our relationship. I always had to touch him first or initiate. He turned me down a lot as well which ruined my self esteem. I never understood until he told me he had a low sex drive. He told me this for years. I gave him suggestions on vitamins and all the other things that may help us. I felt sorry for him and even felt guilty for wanting sex so much. I researched heavily for foods and pharmaceutical drugs to lower my sex drive. I quit getting myself off all together as to attempt to lessen the desire. Then I found it... One random day I needed to look up something on the internet. His phone was there, so I just picked it up as we both do. I have nothing to hide. Porn. Porn and more porn. I was devastated. How can he have such a low sex drive yet masturbate multiple times a day?! It was a hard transition, and he swears that he hasn't looked at it since. That was two years ago. You would think by now I could have forgiven him, moved on, and figured out a different route. He swears up and down that he loves to have sex yet he could go without it for several weeks. I've tried everything I know to do: massages, dressing up, sending naughty pics and sexts, talking dirty...literally everything I know to do. After the porn incident two years ago, he still continues to masturbate but according to him it's not to porn anymore. He claims that masturbating is his stress relief and there is nothing sexual to it. (yet he needed porn before..pretty sexual if you ask me) I want to believe he isn't looking at it anymore, but our sex life still hasn't improved. It's usually a once every 10 days pitty sex. We may go out on the weekends, and it might happen. But the average is 2-3 a month. Maybe this is normal. I don't know. But I feel like he just refuses to wait on me... I'm willing, but I guess I'm not appealing enough. I work out, eat healthy, so I know it's not my body per se. The funny thing is that our sex drive matches, but he just wants to be with himself. At any rate, anyone else have this issue or can help me deal with it?


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

I am so sorry you are here and welcome.

I wrote this EXACT same post about 2 1/2 years ago (minus the knowledge of the porn). Please read my story in the link below and then let me know if you want to ask me anything else or PM me.

One thing I will address immediately is that your husband is not being truthful when he says he has a low sex drive. 

I am so, so sorry. I hope you have caught this before it's too late. How long has he been withholding sex from you?


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## JamesTKirk (Sep 8, 2015)

I don't know why I'm posting because I'm going to be of 0 help to you. I've been with my wife 20 years and I slowly got into porn, but only as a supplement to infrequent sex. We have what feels to me restrictive constraints about when and how often we have sex and I just needed something more often. If I was able to have sex with her more often and at different times of the day, I'd likely never had any need for it.

Now having said that, I did discover in this that porn fulfilled some variety and fantasy that we guys sometimes crave. I mean I might like a video of a naughty cheerleader, but that doesn't mean I have any need for that fantasy to be reality. It's entertainment much like a horror slasher movie is entertainment. So no woman should be offended that her man enjoys a little porn now and then as it has nothing to do with how he feels about her or his attraction to her.

But what you're describing is him choosing porn over you when you're not getting enough of what you want. That would be deeply offending to me. I mean I'm always trying to increase the frequency of sex with my wife. If I found out she was off masturbating instead of asking me to have sex with her, I'd go nuts.

I'm sure someone has some insight into this. Porn addiction is an actual thing. I even got addicted to porn at one point. It's a long story as to why, but over the course of a few month the occasional partake turned into a daily addiction. It's a real addiction to the dopamine reward mechanism not unlike a drug addict. And it's harmful. It desensitizes us (men) to the sexuality of women and can cause erectile dysfunction. I lived this first-hand until I got a handle on it, quit, and got back to normal. In retrospect I feel stupid for ever letting myself go there rather than appeal to my wife, but I justified it in that she doesn't seem to really like to talk about our sex life and how to improve it (from her perspective it's completely fine.)
The positive thing is that when I "quit" porn, I refocused that energy back into our relationship and wouldn't you know it? Our sex life got better. I used that testosterone fueled angst to my benefit. I also explained to her that I had given up porn and masturbation and that I'd need her to be understanding and for her to cooperate with me in our sex life. She was on board. It has, for the most part, helped (me get a little more action.)

So this leaves me with only speculation. He could be addicted to porn. When we orgasm our prolactin goes up, dopamine goes down, and estrogen generally rises slowing a man's sex drive. It's the off switch. It takes up to two weeks for that to return to normal.
If he's addicted, you need to get him to read Your Brain On Porn | Evolution has not prepared your brain for today's Internet porn and check out Your Brain Rebalanced - Overcoming Pornography Addiction . Also http://www.anabolicmen.com/how-internet-porn-makes-you-less-of-a-man/ Not much to it, just stop all porn and stop masturbation even without porn. I'd go as far as to say he's only allowed to do it (masturbate without porn) if he hasn't (or won't) have sex with you in over a week. Otherwise he needs to abstain if he wants a normal healthy sex drive. Needing it frequently for stress relief is unnecessary myth IMO. It's just an addiction chasing a dopamine rush but we don't realized that.

He could have hormone issues. Have his doctor check his Estridol and testosterone levels. Also check Vitamin D. If his vitamin D is low, then he should take lots of D (like 8000IU for a while) and C. It will help reduce the conversion of testosterone to Estrogen.
I've also found a good stack of amino acids that have worked to restore my libido to a very healthy level. I want sex a lot more now. I could point you to that info if it's something he's willing to take and try.
Also I can point you to generic ED meds if it'll help. It doesn't sound like he has any problem in that department, but if for some reason it does, I have that figured out. 99% of the time I don't "need" them, but I found my wife seems to really enjoy what it does to me 

I say that because even with low testosterone, he may be able to still masturbate to porn. If his libido is low, he may turn to porn for the dopamine pleasure to avoid depression.

If I was him, I'd want you to come with a short term plan of sex over porn. I know I'm way more horny in the morning and it drops off sharply in the evening (ironically that's the only time my wife wants to do it.) Maybe he's more likely to want it in the morning. Start with doing that every day for a while, see how it goes, and then start working on adjusting the schedule. That's predicated on the concept that he actually wants a solution, though.

OK, I'll stop now because I'm probably just confusing you more and I really have no idea what's wrong with him.
Best of luck.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

This is probably not a direct answer to your question, but what the heck.

I used to masturbate to porn and did not enjoy my wife fully. It kept me away from her. It was easier and kinkier to just do the porn.
Now, I still watch porn, but never orgasm to it. While not having an orgasm, the porn still stimulates my mind and it is enjoyable, but because I do not orgasm it allows me to transfer those nasty thoughts onto my wife. At the same time it gives me more drive to try different things with my wife. Instead of sucking the life out of me, it boosts my drive. I find it a useful tool for my marriage.

We sometimes watch it together before sex or my ultimate favorite, BJTC while I watch.
Bless her little heart 

Porn can be your friend.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Yeah, I don't think that is what she wanted to hear!


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## life_huppens (Jun 3, 2015)

did you offer him to watch porn together? It does works for UMP. For a personal experience, I would love to watch porn together with my wife, but she is not cool with it. I do not watch porn too often, just once in a wile. Perhaps he would take you upon your offer, it could work.


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## loveroflove (Dec 14, 2015)

where_are_we,

Wow! Your story is certainly a lot like mine. We've been together almost 6 years and married for almost 4. This started before we married unfortunately, so this has been going on for well over four years. I just thought I could handle it, but after discovering the porn two years ago, it has proven more than I can handle. When was your breaking point? When did you finally say, "ok, I've had enough."? I don't want to go through another divorce, and I desperately want to work this out. However, I fear with his mentality, things just won't get better. He's the type that "everything will be ok" without taking action kind of person. He rides the winds of change, which I somewhat admire. Though, when there's a problem he doesn't take action to fix it, which bugs the crap out of me. Either I'll have to accept it for what it is, get on an antidepressant to lower my sex drive, and hope resentment doesn't set in....Or leave him and wish him well.


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## loveroflove (Dec 14, 2015)

JamesTKirk,

Thanks for the input! We've 'compromised' several times. We'll both agree that twice a week is a good starting point, and he's agreed to masturbate less. It's like that for a couple of weeks, then quickly goes back to once every ten days. I could handle once every ten days if it lasted longer than 3 minutes, but that's all he can handle. So he may need those ED vitamins just to keep it up longer. I've tried talking him into learning tantric sex with me, but I guess that's too much brain power... ahhhh I'm about to lose my mind! I'm the only one that really cares about it. He makes this my problem and sees nothing wrong with habitual masturbating. Hopefully he'll research the ED meds with me and we can meet in the middle.


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## loveroflove (Dec 14, 2015)

intheory,

I've pulled myself away emotionally, but then I end up craving the emotional attachment. Plus if he notices that I don't make eye contact with him or my hugs are more passive, he grills me until I lose my mind and explode with anger and fear. I can't live in a marriage that is not both emotionally and physically sound. I'd rather be by myself then live with a roommate that I resent. I'm working hard to not allow others' actions to dictate how I feel. I shouldn't allow what he does to affect my self esteem. I know my worth, and that's all that should matter, right? But somehow, it does matter. I need to feel wanted and appreciated through physical touch. I do the same for him. His love language is words of affirmation, so I'm always writing him notes and just saying "thank you" when he does something around the house. I just don't feel like I get that in return...Thus, the detachment, anger, and the vicious cycle continues. Any suggestions for a marriage sex therapy retreat?


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## loveroflove (Dec 14, 2015)

UMP and life_huppens, 

I tried watching porn with him, but he said it was weird... I didn't think it got weird, but apparently he feels like it should be a private matter... Or maybe he just didn't want to show me what type of porn he actually enjoys out of embarrassment.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I wouldn't take my blouse off for 3 minutes of sex. Talk about premature ejaculation! Have you asked him why he has so little regard for your sex life?

I think he's taking the phrase 'best friend' too literally.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

loveroflove said:


> Either I'll have to accept it for what it is, get on an antidepressant to lower my sex drive, and hope resentment doesn't set in....Or leave him and wish him well.


When you met your husband, he was already heavily into porn. When you married your husband he was still heavily into porn. When you discovered and *rejecting* him watching it, your husband is still heavily into porn. 

While it may seem counterintuitive you are going to have to first learn to accept your husband's porn as a way to make _him feel more accepted in your relationship._ If you reject his porn, while he may not admit it, he will feel like you are rejecting him. If you can find positive things to say about his porn, it will help relieve his shame and build trust and allow him to be much more vulnerable. Once this starts to happen, he will find himself feeling much closer to you than he does his porn and he will start to let go of it much like a child starts to let go of a security blanket. 

OK, it can be hard for you to find a way to be positive about porn as my own wife has very negative views of it, but never forbid me to watch it. Here are some positive views:

• it can be educational, although it does tend to be filled with unrealistic situations and misinformation.
• porn teaches us how vulnerable we are, because obviously your husband has trouble stopping when he wants to.
• porn is generally safe, in that he is not exposing himself to STDs or situating your family for exposure domestic violence from a 3rd party (other woman's jealous husband).
• porn can be sexually gratifying for when a partner is unavailable.
• online porn reduces sexually explicit trash on the side of the road from where many people used to toss magazines out the window as not be caught when they get home. 
• IMPORTANT - the adult porn industry has commanded a lot of respect for free speech in our society and advocated for those with alternate orientations to feel more accepted in society. 
• porn can help those with strange fetishes to feel normal.

I could go on and on...

What you also need to do is to help your husband see why you object to porn and why it hurts you. Here are some good reasons:

• He lies to you about when he watches it which erodes trust in your relationship.
• He likely can not overcome the shame of some content he watches, which perverts his behavior. He should instead be a man and be able to talk to you about anything he watches.
• Porn can be overstimulating and skew his desire, much like a person consuming junk food and snacks before being served a healthy meal.
• Porn can give him unrealistic expectations as for what is and what is not appropriate to explore sexually in his marriage.
• Him using porn alone instead of sharing his sexuality with you is extremely hurtful. 

...I could go on and own, but you have to share these feeling with your husband in a way that demonstrates how his "behavior" (not the porn) when using porn is causing serious problems.

Once he corrects his behavior, you will feel much closer, sex will drastically improve if he can be vulnerable and you accept him, and he will become more respectful towards his past behavior that hurt you.

Hope this helps. Probably not what you want to hear, but it will likely help you get through to him.

Regards,
Badsanta


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

loveroflove said:


> UMP and life_huppens,
> 
> I tried watching porn with him, but he said it was weird... I didn't think it got weird, but apparently he feels like it should be a private matter... Or maybe he just didn't want to show me what type of porn he actually enjoys out of embarrassment.


Sex with a real person is so much better than porn.
It sounds to me that he is just embarrassed about his own sexuality.
You on the other hand seem to have an open mind.
Can you get him to let loose a little bit with some wine or something?
He sounds VERY uptight about sex.

He needs to somehow translate that porn to you. I was in the same boat and was also embarrassed about my sexuality. The self medication with porn is simply an easy way out of addressing that embarrassment.

I saw my wife as a mother to our children not as a kinky porn star wife. I could not bring myself to tell my wife my kinks. I could not bring myself to show and tell my wife what kind of sexual things I enjoyed. As it turns out, she is more than willing to try new things, but I have to take the lead, not wallow in self pity and lust while jerking my chain to porn.

To top it off, every time I had an orgasm to porn it simply lowered my desire for my wife no matter how HD I was.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

I know I am coming from a completely different place than the other posters here, but I'm going to throw this out:

Has your husband tried to stop all porn use and masturbation, to reboot his brain? There is a huge population of men and women who decided to give up both for a time, so their brain would go back to "normal." Their sexual responses and drive improved, and as a result, they are committed to abstaining from all virtual sex, fantasies and masturbating for the rest of their lives. They realized that porn had messed up their mind and their sexual response, and that their bodies work just fine when they only have sex with a real person. (no fantasizing allowed, unless it is about a real person, and they are physically with that real person.

The Basics Of Rebooting | Your Brain On Porn

After reading the above link, you can go to You Tube and watch countless testimonies of people who decided to go off porn because it had messed up their physical response and even their emotional/social responses.

My husband used to look at porn. When I found out, he gave it up completely, along with masturbation. Our sex life isn't as frequent as he would like, but he is able to last longer, is more fulfilled, feels much better about himself not having that dirty little secret, and our marriage is improving in the sexual trust area. He is so happy with the personal results (he feels better as a man, a person, a father, a husband) that he is committed to not looking at porn ever again...when he sees something that he thinks might be a slippery slope, he turns it off, leaves, says no, etc. so he doesn't get tripped up.

Best wishes!


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

loveroflove said:


> UMP and life_huppens,
> 
> I tried watching porn with him, *but he said it was weird*... I didn't think it got weird, but apparently he feels like it should be a private matter... Or maybe he just didn't want to show me what type of porn he actually enjoys out of embarrassment.


*He is not willing to be vulnerable with you*, continue working on this. You do not have to include porn, just get him to talk about it.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

IMFarAboveRubies said:


> I know I am coming from a completely different place than the other posters here, but I'm going to throw this out:
> 
> Has your husband tried to stop all porn use and masturbation, to reboot his brain? There is a huge population of men and women who decided to give up both for a time, so their brain would go back to "normal." Their sexual responses and drive improved, and as a result, they are committed to abstaining from all virtual sex, fantasies and masturbating for the rest of their lives. They realized that porn had messed up their mind and their sexual response, and that their bodies work just fine when they only have sex with a real person. (no fantasizing allowed, unless it is about a real person, and they are physically with that real person.
> 
> ...


The Basics Of Rebooting | Your Brain On Porn

FYI, this site is a spin off from Reuniting | Healing with Sexual Relationships which promotes Marnia's book and a lifestyle of sex in which *orgasms are completely avoided indefinitely* in order to sustain a healthy relationship. Just so you know!


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

badsanta said:


> The Basics Of Rebooting | Your Brain On Porn
> 
> FYI, this site is a spin off from Reuniting | Healing with Sexual Relationships which promotes Marnia's book and a lifestyle of sex in which *orgasms are completely avoided indefinitely* in order to sustain a healthy relationship. Just so you know!


Didn't know that. Thanks for the info.

H and I have orgasms, we just have them together, rather than him having them alone, and then being too tired to be with me, or coming too fast. 

Better than that link are the testimonies of young men who realized their lives were going down the tubes due to porn addiction. They still have orgasms, it is just that they only have them with real, life girls. Some of them were becoming impotent, or uninterested in real girls alltogether. Now they are neither, and they are very relaxed around girls, look at them as whole people, not just someone to j*ck off to in their fantasies. Their social lives with girls are more enjoyable, and relaxed, and they don't run home and j*ck off. They stop sexualizing women in their minds in non sexual situations.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GH45tpMJVYY

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dxtQq0jBncc

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O8VEsK3k0N0


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## hotshotdot (Jul 28, 2015)

IMFarAboveRubies said:


> I know I am coming from a completely different place than the other posters here, but I'm going to throw this out:
> 
> Has your husband tried to stop all porn use and masturbation, to reboot his brain? There is a huge population of men and women who decided to give up both for a time, so their brain would go back to "normal." Their sexual responses and drive improved, and as a result, they are committed to abstaining from all virtual sex, fantasies and masturbating for the rest of their lives. They realized that porn had messed up their mind and their sexual response, and that their bodies work just fine when they only have sex with a real person. (no fantasizing allowed, unless it is about a real person, and they are physically with that real person.
> 
> ...


I second this advice! From my own experience I discovered my hubby's porn addiction 2 weeks before our wedding & was ready to call the whole thing off. Not because of the porn itself, but because that was the reason why we weren't having sex as often as I desired (I chalked it up to age before this discovery). I told him simply, the porn/mb was interfering with our sex life in a number of ways (less frequent than I desired & he had difficulty finishing without masturbating) & because of that it had to stop. I know it wasn't easy for him to stop doing what he's been accustomed to for 20+ years but he honestly never realized that it made a difference in our sex life until I pointed it out. The frequency improved slightly but the bigger thing for me was that the quality was better & he was able to finish inside most of the time without having to masterbate. This made me feel much better for 2 reasons, 1) it showed he really had stopped & 2) I was happy that *I* was able to satisfy him. 

I think you should print some of the articles referenced above & have a very frank discussion about what this is doing to your relationship. Maybe when he realizes how it really does make a difference he will stop the porn/mb.


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## JamesTKirk (Sep 8, 2015)

peacem said:


> I think the problem some women have on this issue on TAM is that they think they can fix the problem if they just do xyz (and this was me too) as though there is a magic formula. But if your husband is not willing to change his masturbation habits there is not a lot you can do other than talk compassionately to him about it and be available (but being overly available can sometimes create too much pressure and stress).
> 
> *p.s My H also falsely claimed to be low drive, which is probably how he felt after he had masturbated earlier in the day. My H considered masturbation and sex as two very different things so he wasn't necessarily being deliberately dishonest.*


I agree with this. The best thing is that he has to stop the masturbation. The porn itself is a problem in and of itself, but he isn't going to build up testosterone levels, let the prolactin levels drop, and the androgen receptors clear out if he's masturbating all of the time. It has a negative affect on sexual function.
Relieving stress is just a myth. I mean, yes if I go a week without I may give in and do it because I'm climbing the walls, but if a guy is doing it daily it's because he's just addicted to the highs and lows of biochemistry. He's in a addictive negative feedback loop.
He has to cut it out. Even let him gradually reduce, 2 days, 3 days, a week, 2 weeks, indefinitely. Try to get him to replace it with real sex.

My sex drive and function is much healthier now that I have orgasms only with my wife.
Of course I wish my wife was up for it more often than once or twice a week but since I stopped masturbating, I haven't really felt the need for doing it more often and I can function well when with her.

Is he watching gay porn? Is there a possibility that secretly women don't do it for him?
I know that's a terrible thing to want to discover. But I don't know how to explain preference to porn over human sex except either that, or just fetishes that aren't present in the sexual relationship.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

loveroflove said:


> JamesTKirk,
> 
> Thanks for the input! We've 'compromised' several times. We'll both agree that twice a week is a good starting point, and he's agreed to masturbate less. *It's like that for a couple of weeks, then quickly goes back to once every ten days*. I could handle once every ten days if it lasted longer than *3 minutes, but that's all he can handle.* So he may need those ED vitamins just to keep it up longer. I've tried talking him into learning tantric sex with me, but I guess that's too much brain power... ahhhh I'm about to lose my mind! I'm the only one that really cares about it. He makes this my problem and *sees nothing wrong with habitual masturbating*. Hopefully he'll research the ED meds with me and we can meet in the middle.





loveroflove said:


> intheory,
> 
> I've *pulled myself away emotionally*, but then I end up craving the emotional attachment. Plus if he notices that I don't make eye contact with him or my hugs are more passive, he grills me until I lose my mind and *explode with anger and fear.* *I can't live in a marriage that is not both emotionally and physically sound.* * I'd rather be by myself then live with a roommate that I resent.* I'm working hard to not allow others' actions to dictate how I feel. *I shouldn't allow what he does to affect my self esteem. I know my worth, and that's all that should matter, right? * But somehow, it does matter. * I need to feel wanted* and appreciated through physical touch. I do the same for him. *His love language is words of affirmation, so I'm always writing him notes and just saying "thank you" when he does something around the house. I just don't feel like I get that in return...*Thus, the detachment, anger, and the vicious cycle continues. *Any suggestions for a marriage sex therapy retreat?*





loveroflove said:


> UMP and life_huppens,
> 
> I tried watching porn with him, but *he said it was weird..*. I didn't think it got weird, but apparently he feels like *it should be a private matter.*.. Or maybe he just didn't want to show me what type of porn he actually enjoys out of embarrassment.


I would like to share a few thoughts with you. Some of your words resonate very strongly with me and are things I have said or thought.

I have been married for 44+ years to my wife, around 2009 we almost divorced because I was in a sex starved marriage with a woman who had absolutely no desire to ever have sex with me again. She was educated in a convent school by nuns, who really believed in NONE. Sex, masturbation, etc for her was an evil to confess and pray for forgiveness. She has some real inhibitions, although when we were dating she said that the nuns told her that anything a husband and wife did together was OK. After marriage she told me the nuns didn't know how sick and perverted some men could be when they told her that. Still she did enjoy face to face sex with the lights off and frequently enough that I could find happiness with her and the children we created. 

Getting back to the point, your spouses lack of sexual interest in you is not about your desirability. It is a statement about them and not you. You are correct that you need to take more responsibility for your own happiness and not be codependent upon your spouse. You need to find hobbies that you do to make you feel good. I would do affirmations to tell myself that I was happy, desirable, and a good person. I visualized being happy. I did sports I gave up in my youth that brought me happiness.

There is a book called Still Sexy after All These Years that is based on interviews with older women whose husbands have died, had medical problems or divorced such that they don't have a sex partner anymore. In the book they share their stories on how they retains sensuality and sexuality in their lives. You might want to read the book.

Also you really want to get MW Davis book The Sex Starved Wife. Her book the Sex Starved Marriage helped save my marriage. Her Divorce Busting approach works and is based on one person changing the dynamic in a marriage to change things for the better. She will teach you about 180's and doing things for yourself (getting a life are the code words) that will really help you.

What I learned from MW Davis was that I was part of the problem. While I viewed myself as the victim of a frigid wife with lots of hang-ups, I came to understand that I was part of the problem and needed to fix myself and the way I treated my wife, before I could expect anything to change. You might want to read the book, do some introspection and then work on yourself.

One of the things you know and I had to learn was that I was angry with my wife for hurting me, she was angry with me for hurting her emotionally, and we were doing a downward spiral dance with each other that was ruining our marriage. We also knew that each other was angry. Ultimately I had to forgive my wife and blame myself for much of our problems, then apologize to her and start treating her better before things changed. M. W. Davis taught me this.

I ultimately had to learn what is referred to in Glover's book NMMNG, that I was doing covert contracts, where I would do things for my wife in the expectation that she would do something for me (sex.) I had to move past that and give my wife genuine and unconditional love with no expectation for anything in return. I used Chapman's love languages to make my wife in her love languages feel loved and cherished each and every day. That got her to be willing to try to change herself and save our marriage.

You already know about Chapman and his love languages and how to use them to make your H feel loved. Usually people have a primary and secondary love language. Find out his secondary love language and make him feel truly loved. 

My wife is an act of service and quality time person. Each morning I bring her coffee in bed, we drink coffee together and wake up together. We discuss what is going to happen in the day. She starts her day feeling really loved. At night I do things to help with dinner, bring her a glass of wine (acts of service) and then we discuss our day, so that her day ends feeling loved in her love languages. I have absolutely no expectations for her doing anything for me, I make her feel loved because I love her and want her to feel loved unconditionally.

Some of your comments resonate with me. When we she rejected me and we didn't have sex, I would sometimes pull out a masturbation toy and use it on myself. Some times she would tell me what I was doing was disgusting. I would tell her that I was a sexual being and proud of my sexuality and I was not going to hid my sexuality from my wife as some dirty secrete I was ashamed of. 

Most men masturbate. Maybe not to the extent that it interferes with sex with their wives, but they still do masturbate. 

Have you ever told your husband (using his love language) that you are proud of his sexuality and that as his wife you want to be part of it and share it with him? Ask him if you can participate or at least watch him masturbate, because you love watching him orgasm and want to be there with him, encourage him and hold and cuddle him afterwards. Tell him that you think that his body looks wonderful and you love the sounds he makes as he orgasms and want to be part of that as it give you pleasure.

Once I changed myself and started treating my wife better after reading MW Davis, Chapman, and Glover, we were helped by a really good sex therapist, who expedited our changes and helped us with negotiations. We now have sex twice a week and have for years. She still have hang-ups, but we both know how much we love each other.

As to weekend couples workshops, I strongly recommend a Gottman Institute weekend workshop on the Art and Science of Love. They are the marriage counselors that marriage counselors go to when they have a problem in their own marriages. My wife and I went to one and it was exhausting and changing. I felt they were a little expensive, but worth it. They also have versions on video that you might try first if money or location is a problem.

https://www.gottman.com/events/

Good luck to you. Remember you can't change your husband. You can change yourself, you can change the way you act with your husband, but only he can change himself. You can reinforce his changes that you life, but ultimately only he can change himself.


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