# Thinking about other men.



## Matos (Mar 25, 2016)

My WH is doing his best to make things better and following through on the things I’m asking of him. He’s also coming up with his own plan of action so I don’t have to do all of the work.

I can’t stop thinking about other men. I wonder about (almost) every man I see. Is he available, how can I talk to him, would he like me, how far could this go… I find myself staring even in front of my H, which is something I never do. I’m even thinking about it right now as I type this. Wondering how I might go about meeting new men. Thinking of diving into the sometimes seedy world of online dating. Or resorting to Craigslist. 

It’s not even just a physical thing. I don’t want someone to just ‘want’ me. I want someone to find me charming and interesting, to laugh with me, to enjoy my personality. 

I don’t want revenge and I don’t want to make things worse. I want reconciliation to work. But I feel like I need something to make me feel worthy again, to make me feel like I’m good enough. To make me feel the way my H used to before all of this happened. He’s trying to help in this area too, but it’s hard to find him sincere considering what he did. 

I realize how screwed up it is to question my worthiness, as normally I think the WS is the one who isn’t really worthy of the BS. My WH did something no spouse should do. Regardless of what was wrong with our relationship, he made the wrong choice and hurt me more than anyone deserves. But I think feeling unworthy is pretty common for the BS? 

Am I a horrible person for having these thoughts about other men? Is this normal? Any advice on how to get these thoughts out of my head? Or should I just go ahead and act on them, since it’s all so very tempting right now?

It hasn’t been very long since I found out. Please someone tell me this gets better.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Matos said:


> My WH is doing his best to make things better and following through on the things I’m asking of him. He’s also coming up with his own plan of action so I don’t have to do all of the work.
> 
> I can’t stop thinking about other men. I wonder about (almost) every man I see. Is he available, how can I talk to him, would he like me, how far could this go… I find myself staring even in front of my H, which is something I never do. I’m even thinking about it right now as I type this. Wondering how I might go about meeting new men. Thinking of diving into the sometimes seedy world of online dating. Or resorting to Craigslist.
> 
> ...


no, you are not horrible for having these feelings.

every man and woman wants to be wanted and desired. but we guard ourselves by waiting for the right person, not just anybody.
otherwise we get in trouble. big trouble potentially.

no.......don't do it. give your WH a chance if that's what you need to do. or leave.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

I think this is normal. The feeling of being wanted by someone is what we've lost being betrayed. When a spouse has an affair it's like they're telling you, with their actions, I don't want you, I want her. And that is VERY VERY hard to process. Thing is, it's not real. It's not what they want. What they want is to be free from some sort of pain they're experiencing and the affair is a distraction. So, the same thing could be said about you wanting an escape from this pain too. I get it.
However, if you want to reconcile, believe me (I'm both a WS and a BS) that there is so much work to do to heal from this that you don't want both jobs. 
Being a WS made me feel so badly about myself I almost committed suicide. I broke my vows to myself(and included my husband). If we don't have integrity we have nothing. That, coupled with now you BOTH have distrust issues moving forward and hurt to heal from, just - don't make your job harder.
Your worth comes from inside yourself - you know that. Using someone else to make yourself feel better (and that would be momentary) is not right, it's not good, it's not healthy or mature.
Now is the time to know what you stand for. Right now. Because there will be opportunity to slide down the rabbit hole. You need to know what you're going to do before that happens. 
Do you value yourself? Don't act on these feelings without sitting down and determining what is really important to you. Is it justice? Or grace? But really, what sort of actions do you need to do to determine yourself as a worthy human being? I doubt it's by having an affair.
Good luck.


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## Slow Hand (Oct 4, 2015)

Matos said:


> My WH is doing his best to make things better and following through on the things I’m asking of him. He’s also coming up with his own plan of action so I don’t have to do all of the work.
> 
> I can’t stop thinking about other men. I wonder about (almost) every man I see. Is he available, how can I talk to him, would he like me, how far could this go… I find myself staring even in front of my H, which is something I never do. I’m even thinking about it right now as I type this. Wondering how I might go about meeting new men. Thinking of diving into the sometimes seedy world of online dating. Or resorting to Craigslist.
> 
> ...



Interesting, I'm a man and I've been having similar thoughts about women. Not all women though, just the ones I find attractive.

I had no idea it may be related and really hadn't given it much thought until I read your post here. I've always been HD and glanced at other women, now I find myself staring and taking them all in, I hate it. :frown2: 

I wonder if that makes us more vulnerable to an affair? :surprise: I'm not divorced yet, but don't want to cheat on my wife. 

Maybe for me it's because I finally decided to leave my wife.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Look for ways to obtain validation from the inside. 

While validation from the outside FEELS nice, it is ultimately the carbs of the self-esteem diet. It's not as filling as you think it will be and you're always seeking more. 

Your own feelings of self confidence is the protein. More filling, better for you, and from a sustainable, reliable source: YOU.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Totally normal. It goes something like,
"So WS, seeing as you decided someone else was more attractive/fun blah blah, I think I'll find someone who does think I'm attractive, fun etc'. 

I presume you and WS are in R and both want to be in R. 

If so, why not tell WS about this. *In R, 100% honesty is the name of the game.* 
The horrendous emotions you have, including the 'other men' part is because of his A. 
You shouldn't be carrying any part of it alone, including the 'other men' part. 

He should be 100% understanding because *it's easy to understand your reaction*. 
Don't let him tell you otherwise. You wouldn't be feeling like this if he didn't have an A. 
If he's doing everything a remorseful WS should be doing - do a search on TAM for the list - it shouldn't take long for you to get past thinking about other men.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Matos said:


> Am I a horrible person for having these thoughts about other men? Is this normal? Any advice on how to get these thoughts out of my head? Or should I just go ahead and act on them, since it’s all so very tempting right now?


Horrible for having them - no.
is it normal - in your case, yes. You're in a vulnerable state and looking for anything to make you feel positive about yourself and your choices

Act on them - NO. NEVER. DON'T - Why sully your integrity over something your spouse did?

Do you have any IC sessions set up? That might help as well.


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## Matos (Mar 25, 2016)

********** said:


> Totally normal. It goes something like,
> "So WS, seeing as you decided someone else was more attractive/fun blah blah, I think I'll find someone who does think I'm attractive, fun etc'.
> 
> I presume you and WS are in R and both want to be in R.
> ...


We did talk about it a bit. He seemed to understand but took it a step further and started talking about how he doesn't feel like he has any qualities that make him deserving of me and how he's always felt worthless and not good enough (in our relationship and in life). It would've felt manipulative, except he's mentioned feelings like that before in counseling (prior to DDay) and never but the blame on me. He will be working on these feelings in IC. 

So in the end, telling him made me feel worse. And now I'm getting kinda p!ssed thinking about how he made it all about him. I needed some validation and all I got was his pity party. Does it need to be explained to him what I'm looking for in those situations? That feels too controlling for me and I want to step back from those types of behaviors. Especially because I want him to own what he's done and do the work without me having to constantly dictate what needs to be done. 

I also don't want to make him feel like he can't share his feelings, as that's been a problem for us in the past. He's finally opening up and I don't want it to stop. But sometimes I just need it to be about me, as unreasonable as that may be. 

I feel at a loss about these things.


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## Matos (Mar 25, 2016)

snerg said:


> Horrible for having them - no.
> is it normal - in your case, yes. You're in a vulnerable state and looking for anything to make you feel positive about yourself and your choices
> 
> Act on them - NO. NEVER. DON'T - Why sully your integrity over something your spouse did?
> ...


I haven't thought about IC. We're using my insurance for MC, so I'm not sure it's possible.


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## Matos (Mar 25, 2016)

stephscarlett said:


> I think this is normal. The feeling of being wanted by someone is what we've lost being betrayed. When a spouse has an affair it's like they're telling you, with their actions, I don't want you, I want her. And that is VERY VERY hard to process. Thing is, it's not real. It's not what they want. What they want is to be free from some sort of pain they're experiencing and the affair is a distraction. So, the same thing could be said about you wanting an escape from this pain too. I get it.
> However, if you want to reconcile, believe me (I'm both a WS and a BS) that there is so much work to do to heal from this that you don't want both jobs.
> Being a WS made me feel so badly about myself I almost committed suicide. I broke my vows to myself(and included my husband). If we don't have integrity we have nothing. That, coupled with now you BOTH have distrust issues moving forward and hurt to heal from, just - don't make your job harder.
> Your worth comes from inside yourself - you know that. Using someone else to make yourself feel better (and that would be momentary) is not right, it's not good, it's not healthy or mature.
> ...


I feel like I value myself, but having thoughts like this make me second guess. It's like a battle going on in my head. If I'm as awesome as I think I am (that sounds conceited to me), why would he want someone else?

But you make a point I NEEDED to hear and for that I am so appreciative. He was running from pain. That's his coping style. He's explained that in his own words. I think I said this in my other post, but he'll be working on that in IC. 

I think a big problem of it all is that I know what she looks like, and she is very very pretty. I don't consider myself to be very attractive. I've always just thought of myself as 'normal'. I'm also not very fit, which I'm working on. I know he was attracted to me when we got together, I would catch him staring at me and he would tell me I was beautiful quite often. I guess I just don't feel like that person anymore. 

And I really don't want to have to deal with be a WS also. But it's so tempting to relieve the pain this way.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Matos said:


> I haven't thought about IC. We're using my insurance for MC, so I'm not sure it's possible.


This should be covered as it relates to you and your marriage. This would go into more of a one on one situation for MC


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

Matos said:


> started talking about how he doesn't feel like he has any qualities that make him deserving of me and how he's always felt worthless and not good enough (in our relationship and in life).
> 
> .


He IS manipulative. Tell him to get worthy.. and fast. Because you're running out of patience. He needs to get himself mentally healthy. It sounds like he needs IC and to do some reading on how to be a healthy partner.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

Matos said:


> And I really don't want to have to deal with be a WS also. But it's so tempting to relieve the pain this way.


I get it. I really get it. 
Your worthiness all comes from inside you. NOT from what other people think of you. What you have to offer is HOW YOU ARE AS A PERSON. Not what you look like. 
Hugs honey!


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## Matos (Mar 25, 2016)

stephscarlett said:


> He IS manipulative. Tell him to get worthy.. and fast. Because you're running out of patience. He needs to get himself mentally healthy. It sounds like he needs IC and to do some reading on how to be a healthy partner.


I guess I struggle with telling the difference between him being manipulative and just wanting to share his honest feelings. And up until all of this he was more than worthy. And I was the unhealthy partner (long story, but I've seen my faults without him having to tell me or place blame). He just has a really warped view of himself. And I would hope not everything he's said about that in counseling has also been manipulation. 

Any reading suggestions regarding this mess? Ugh.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Matos said:


> My WH is doing his best to make things better and following through on the things I’m asking of him. He’s also coming up with his own plan of action so I don’t have to do all of the work.
> 
> I can’t stop thinking about other men. I wonder about (almost) every man I see. Is he available, how can I talk to him, would he like me, how far could this go… I find myself staring even in front of my H, which is something I never do. I’m even thinking about it right now as I type this. Wondering how I might go about meeting new men. Thinking of diving into the sometimes seedy world of online dating. Or resorting to Craigslist.
> 
> ...


I went through this briefly when I discovered my wife's EA.

In IC, I discovered that it was very likely my ego's response to feeling like my wife had picked someone else over me.

I believe the metaphor she used was something like "if you didn't get picked for the team you wanted, you go looking for the next team and work twice as hard to get on it and do well."

It's just human nature. You'll likely get over it.

But if you give into it, you'll likely just make everything worse -- including how you feel about yourself.


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

I would read anything by Gottman... and also codependency books. I thought Codependency for Dummies was eye - opening...


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

How to Be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Loving
by David Richo and Kathlyn Hendricks

also very good.


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## Jponce06 (Feb 24, 2016)

Seems normal but checking guys out in front of your WH might not go over so well. As I remember you threaten him with divorce a couple of times sort of broke him a bit (not excusing his EA and confess kissing). 
It could trigger doubt on wether you want this to work out and could bring his commitment to R in question. "Why am I trying so hard if she's eyeing other men in front of me? Didn't she want to divorce me?"
Just a thought


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Satya said:


> While validation from the outside FEELS nice, it is ultimately the carbs of the self-esteem diet. It's not as filling as you think it will be and you're always seeking more.


Love this analogy haha. Pretty spot on.


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## metallicaluvr (Feb 25, 2016)

Your reaction is perfectly normal. In fact, I don't understand how these reconciling people have the motivation to be faithful to their spouse after being cheated on. Attraction can happen anywhere, anytime. It takes so much will power to control it.

However, trust me on this, if you cheat on him, and remain married to him, he will use this against you for the rest of your life and will NEVER do any work on improving himself. Don't stoop to his level. Just leave the cheating POS. there are a lot of awesome guys out there who'd never cheat on you. in fact, you're looking at one of them right now xD


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

From a quick read through your other thread, what I got is that you are both, now & in the past, insecure with each other. 
I also got that you both genuinely want R. 
WS seems to have done everything you asked re transparency, including agreeing to a polygraph. What you found out yourself matched what he told you about the A. Try not to leave any stone unturned though as it might come up and bite you down the track. 
Do the polygraph. 
The kiss' part is always difficult. If it were me I would say to him, "I'm always going to wonder about 'the kiss' and I don't want to be in that position. So I'm giving you this one opportunity to tell me the truth. I've already decided you probably slept with OW and yet I'm still here because I want to make this work. The only way R will work is with 100% honesty. So please don't lie to me now." 
I say this because if it were me I would be wondering about it for the rest of my life!
My sense is the A never went into full-blooded mode. It even sounded a bit half-baked and that OW gave up because WS wasn't so enthusiastic & it was driven by her. 
You two seemed to have had a lot of problems from the start, but not enough for you guys to part. I do admit (being guilty myself) that threatening to leave packs far more of a punch to the other person than we think so it probably sat in his subconscious. Not an excuse for his A by the way. 
I feel if only you could both relax somehow & reassure each other you want to be together and there is no need for either of you to ever feel insecure again. 
You can point out to him that he should never feel insecure because if you ever had a reason to leave him, it's now cos he had an A. But you haven't left - you're still there and want to do R. 
He needs to tell you that he will NEVER lie to you again and that from now on, if he's unhappy about something he will tell you because he is revealing things in MC now that have really surprised you. 
Maybe decide on a 'first date'. You've had many ups and downs, you've been in MC & he's had an A. Yet you're still together. More importantly you have a child. 
So make the 'first date' the beginning of the new chapter. "You & me against the world." Make sure you have a dinner date, just the two of you every week and do some stuff you used to do when you first met. 
Most of all there's you child to be excited about and planning a future for who needs a secure Mom & Dad.
I dunno, I'm rambling. . . I don't normally say this, but in this case I think you have a great chance of R. 
PS Whatever you do, don't have an A. You might as well divorce now than do that.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

All affairs begin with a thought.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

No man can make you feel 'worthy,' only you can do that for yourself. You will search a lifetime for a man to fill a void, that only you can fill.  But your emotions are not unusual after what's happened. Your husband's infidelity isn't because you weren't worthy, it's because he doesn't feel that he is...and that too, can only be resolved by himself. Happiness and fulfillment really come from within, a marriage can't 'make' two people happy or fulfilled. If two people feel inadequate, they need to figure out why, and work on fixing that part of things.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

As a woman you have to be careful. It doesn't take any effort to get a willing partner. Before you know it you've compromised yourself. Craigslist? Really? That's not who you want to be.

Not to mention that when a woman gives herself to another man, she's basically replacing her husband. Unless you want to end up divorced or in a marriage with a husband who's touch you're repulsed by, don't do it.


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## Matos (Mar 25, 2016)

********** said:


> From a quick read through your other thread, what I got is that you are both, now & in the past, insecure with each other.
> I also got that you both genuinely want R.
> WS seems to have done everything you asked re transparency, including agreeing to a polygraph. What you found out yourself matched what he told you about the A. Try not to leave any stone unturned though as it might come up and bite you down the track.
> Do the polygraph.
> ...


Thank you for your response. I figured I would get a lot of people telling me it's not going to work and to move on, so it's refreshing that I'm not getting that, especially from your post. 

I will definitely take your advice on how to try and reassure him. And I like the 'first date' idea. I know we can never truly have a fresh start, but I do believe we can at least try to put these things behind us.

I hate that I have no real way of knowing if he's lying about how the affair went. I contacted the OW (I know, not a good idea, but I was dumb and desperate at the time) and their stories match up EXCEPT for the timeline. She states they were talking for about a month longer than what he said, longer after we started therapy. She did say that they were no longer talking about 'them' but just talking about 'how are you, did you get a job' kind of stuff. It sounds like they both just kinda let it fade. 

Of course she's the OW, so I don't know if she' lying. But it seems like if she was trying to make things worse she would've told me awful things and it seems like if they were still talking they would've made sure their stories matched up more. But I'll never know. Unless she sends me the emails, which she might do. Even then I suppose she could leave things out. 

I think one of the biggest things we'll have to work through in MC (and him in IC) is his feeling like he's going to fail and we're just going to break up eventually. We've made progress on treating each other better, but not on making his negative feelings go away. Like a voice in the back of his head saying "This is nice, but it's not going to last". 

Now I feel like I'm the one rambling...


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## Matos (Mar 25, 2016)

jsmart said:


> As a woman you have to be careful. It doesn't take any effort to get a willing partner. Before you know it you've compromised yourself. Craigslist? Really? That's not who you want to be.
> 
> Not to mention that when a woman gives herself to another man, she's basically replacing her husband. Unless you want to end up divorced or in a marriage with a husband who's touch you're repulsed by, don't do it.


I know deep down it's not what I want. I want my H. Even after his affair. I want reconciliation to work. 

But [email protected] it's so tempting to have 'proof' I'm still desired by someone.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

What does "being desired" mean to you? Do you really mean to say a guy wanting a ONS, NSA with you is proof of desirability? I recall from working in Manhattan decades ago and walking through times square before it was cleaned up. Walking past the street walkers all I could think was "guys put their penis in that"? Yet they did and I've read these women turn a dozen or more tricks a day on a "good" day. 

Others have told you and I agree that your feelings are normal. They will tell, and I agree, take a step back and let your emotions settle down. I am going to PM you two past post I found a great deal of truth in and allowed me to get my head on straight . One was by F-102 on how a work place EA/PA begin (but change the wording and it will fit any situation) and what a player is. 
To be very blunt in the emotional state you are in you are easy pickings for a player. 

Be strong in being true to who you want to be.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Let me repeat again "be true to who you WANT to be". I kept sane by living that motto. Your husbands actions do not define you, it is how you react that defines you. React in a way that causes you to be proud of yourself.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Do you not know that you're walking around with a vag. Of course you're desired. Come on. Like comedian Chris Rock said, Every time a guy is doing something kind or sweet for you, He's might as well say, "would you like some d!ck"

All joking aside, your husband going wayward doesn't mean he didn't find attractive or that the other woman was "hotter." Majority of the time that a man cheats is opportunity. If a woman thinks so low of herself that she's willing to give herself to a married man in exchange for his empty words, she's a damaged woman. 

You're a married woman that demands respect, which is why your WH is tripping over himself to make things right. If you end up divorced and it's because your husband's unfaithfulness, you can hit the market with your head held high. If you end up divorce because you had an affair, no man in his right mind will want you as a keeper.


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## becareful (Jan 28, 2016)

stephscarlett said:


> I think this is normal. The feeling of being wanted by someone is what we've lost being betrayed. When a spouse has an affair it's like they're telling you, with their actions, I don't want you, I want her. And that is VERY VERY hard to process. Thing is, it's not real. It's not what they want. What they want is to be free from some sort of pain they're experiencing and the affair is a distraction. So, the same thing could be said about you wanting an escape from this pain too. I get it.
> However, if you want to reconcile, believe me (I'm both a WS and a BS) that there is so much work to do to heal from this that you don't want both jobs.
> Being a WS made me feel so badly about myself I almost committed suicide. I broke my vows to myself(and included my husband). *If we don't have integrity we have nothing.* That, coupled with now you BOTH have distrust issues moving forward and hurt to heal from, just - don't make your job harder.
> Your worth comes from inside yourself - you know that. Using someone else to make yourself feel better (and that would be momentary) is not right, it's not good, it's not healthy or mature.
> ...


Everything in this post 1000%, especially the highlighted parts. Don't lose your integrity over this.


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## Matos (Mar 25, 2016)

jsmart said:


> Do you not know that you're walking around with a vag. Of course you're desired. Come on. Like comedian Chris Rock said, Every time a guy is doing something kind or sweet for you, He's might as well say, "would you like some d!ck"
> 
> All joking aside, your husband going wayward doesn't mean he didn't find attractive or that the other woman was "hotter." Majority of the time that a man cheats is opportunity. If a woman thinks so low of herself that she's willing to give herself to a married man in exchange for his empty words, she's a damaged woman.
> 
> You're a married woman that demands respect, which is why your WH is tripping over himself to make things right. If you end up divorced and it's because your husband's unfaithfulness, you can hit the market with your head held high. If you end up divorce because you had an affair, no man in his right mind will want you as a keeper.


I've never heard that quote before, and it gave me a good chuckle. 

I know that his unfaithfulness isn't all because of her looks, and I realize it doesn't mean that he doesn't find me attractive. I just know that conventionally speaking she is more attractive. 

Still, everyone is right, my pity party is no reason to go and mess up my life even more.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You are not horrible. It is perfectly normal. Given the circumstances.

You know there's one thing that I found attractive about other women after my wife's affair.

They had never hurt me by cheating on me.

However this did result in me having a stupid drunken revenge affair.

So as long as you can resist that you should be OK. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## stephscarlett (Sep 2, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> You know there's one thing that I found attractive about other women after my wife's affair.
> 
> They had never hurt me by cheating on me.
> 
> ...


my husband said the same thing. he wanted to be with someone who hadn't cheated on him. so, he picked two women who were ok cheating on THEIR husbands... the rationale made me laugh almost. However, that's how I kind knew it wasn't "for real." he just needed something. They weren't under consideration for long term partners.
still hurt though.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Matos said:


> I've never heard that quote before, and it gave me a good chuckle.
> 
> I know that his unfaithfulness isn't all because of her looks, and I realize it doesn't mean that he doesn't find me attractive. *I just know that conventionally speaking she is more attractive. *
> 
> Still, everyone is right, my pity party is no reason to go and mess up my life even more.


Don't do that to yourself. You need to understand and truly believe that to your husband, you were always his plan A. Her "conventionally better looks" could get him to stray with his body but I seriously doubt that his heart and mind ever strayed. Which is why he's pulling out all the stops to make things right. 

You've given him the gift of reconciliation. The thing about that gift is that you always have the right to take it back and kick him to the curb if he stops singing the right tune or even if you just find that you can no longer accept the betrayal.

Remember, one of you is a loyal wife and the other is a home wrecking wh0re. Tell me again about her conventionally good looks. From where I stand, it looks like your husband thinks that woman doesn't hold a candle to you.


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