# not really attracted to my husband, never was



## eclare (Oct 8, 2010)

When I started seriously looking for a husband, I wasn't finding him and with the clock ticking I started dating a friend who had asked me out before, but I just wasn't physically attracted to. He has an old man look with a wrinkly forehead and receding hairline and a beaklike nose. Since most of my relationships before I got serious about a family were long haired sexy unemployed guys, I figured I should stop going with the chemical reaction and start being more practical.
He is smart, employed, athletic (which I never dated) and stable. We have similar lifestyles, we are both homebodies, we miraculously pick out the same furniture and rugs. We love cooking, travelling, camping, blah, blah, blah...of course we have differences in some things: music, books, he's more bookish, I'm more of a hippie...but we love eachother.
We have 2 boys. I wish we could adopt, but he originally said he was into that idea when we were dating, but after 2 hard years after each boy, he's done with more kids. So, I'm still dealing with that. Originally we had said we wanted to live in another country when the kids were older, but that now seems to be going the way of adopting. He says he's not interested in that anymore.
So, I'm going through a period of time where I feel like the only dreams I had left are becoming impossible and I'm staring at a man I rarely fantasize about and I feel bummed. Most of my fantasies are about famous people, rarely my husband.
Not feeling at all like divorce, just looking at the fact that I thought I chose him for all the right reasons and was trying to overlook the lack of physical attraction since my emotional attraction was strong (and desire to have kids sooner rather than later) which led me towards him. We do have sex but not often and it's good sometimes, basic other times, rarely great. Always in the same place in one of three varieties. no matter how many times I try to initiate something different he gets all awkward and the moment is gone. We used to have fun together but can rarely relax around eachother, especially when with friends. If I walk up to him at a party he usually talks to me for a second and walks away. Whenever I try to work on the emotional intimacy part of our relationship in hopes of improving my attraction to him, he agrees that we should work on our relationship because I've been really *****y lately. 
Anyway, I can't ever talk about this with friends because I don't want it to ever get back to him. Some things in a marriage should go unsaid. "honey, I've always thought you were ugly" I don't think we would ever recover from that conversation.
I just need to be able to talk about it.


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## malmale (Oct 5, 2010)

maybe instead of concentrating on all the negative aspects, u shud instead concentrate all his good attributes?


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## Sara Ann (Aug 27, 2010)

Did you ever feel attracted to him? Are you looking for emotional intimacy or physical intimacy or both? 

For the looks, I can tell you there are aspects of my H that are not so attractive either. Before I fell in love with him again earlier this year, those would be so obvious, and I could not get over it, and now I forgot all about them until I read your post. Likewise, I used to hate his snoring and now I love it because it means I can hear him. Our feeling toward a person will make us not see the ugliness.

How to change our feelings and desire? I wish I knew. Pfizer is still trying to figure it out, and once they do, they will have a corner on a pill for women. They found in their studies of viagra effects on women, that for women arousal starts in the brain, not in the body, so they are going there next, using psychologists instead of urologiststs.

It's interesting that couples in arranged marriages do learn to love each other. Maybe if you look into that, and how it happens, you will find some answers for yourself. Then come back and share about this puzzling part of human nature.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

You know, Sara Ann, I have always wondered if couples in arranged marriages truly do learn to love each other, or if they simply make peace with the fact that this is who they're stuck with and that's it. But, assuming they do in fact love each other, I think it's due to the fact that their families know them rather well and probably pick someone they are relatively certain they will be fairly compatible with. 

But anyway, back to the point of the post. I do think that while physical attraction is based in large part on physical appearance, some of it is also based on other things, like personality. If you're not attracted to their personality, your physical attraction will drop. If you don't have a lot in common, physical attraction might drop. 

I think I'd try to enjoy activities with him again, whatever hobbies you used to enjoy together. But I'd go into it with the optimistic expectation that you'll enjoy it and have fun. If you have negative expectations, you're more likely to have a negative experience. Try being positive and assuming you'll have fun. If you start enjoying other activities with him again, maybe some physical attraction will come about on its own.


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## malmale (Oct 5, 2010)

u dun have to force urself to enjoy doing activities with him, u have learn to enjoy being with him, hence, whatever both of u do together u willl enjoy them more, coz u enjoy the time spent being together with him


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## Dadeo (Oct 2, 2010)

Relationships are made up of much more then physical attraction. Many people get to a stage in their life where they look back and go "wow what happened to me what happened to all that exciting sex and all the hot women/men i used to mess around with".
You listed a lot of positives there, take pleasure in those things. and the rest? accept him for who he is, and accept you for who you are and go from there. 
Enjoy the life you have built together rather then longing for the one you wish you had.


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## malmale (Oct 5, 2010)

atruckersgirl said:


> You know, Sara Ann, I have always wondered if couples in arranged marriages truly do learn to love each other, or if they simply make peace with the fact that this is who they're stuck with and that's it. But, assuming they do in fact love each other, I think it's due to the fact that their families know them rather well and probably pick someone they are relatively certain they will be fairly compatible with.
> 
> But anyway, back to the point of the post. I do think that while physical attraction is based in large part on physical appearance, some of it is also based on other things, like personality. If you're not attracted to their personality, your physical attraction will drop. If you don't have a lot in common, physical attraction might drop.
> 
> I think I'd try to enjoy activities with him again, whatever hobbies you used to enjoy together. But I'd go into it with the optimistic expectation that you'll enjoy it and have fun. If you have negative expectations, you're more likely to have a negative experience. Try being positive and assuming you'll have fun. If you start enjoying other activities with him again, maybe some physical attraction will come about on its own.


@atruckergal,
where are u from? coz in the parts of our world (eastern), arranged marriages are real. some do it outta customary, some do it coz the parents cant afford to continue taking care of their daughters, and many more bizzare reasons...

whatever it is, once married, i believe even if the chemistry is not there, both should work hard to work on it, find out what excites each other, and especially find out what pleasures and pleases each other.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I think it's a choice, plain and simple. We can have tons of chemistry but if they displease us badly enough, we choose to not love them. If we can choose not to love someone, stands to reason we can choose to love them. People adopt kids and love them because they choose to. If you want to find something to hate, you could find it even in the Pope. If you want to find something to love, you could find it even in the vilest of criminals. Perfection is unattainable but contentment is within reach of just about everyone.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

malmale said:


> @atruckergal,
> where are u from? coz in the parts of our world (eastern), arranged marriages are real. some do it outta customary, some do it coz the parents cant afford to continue taking care of their daughters, and many more bizzare reasons...
> 
> whatever it is, once married, i believe even if the chemistry is not there, both should work hard to work on it, find out what excites each other, and especially find out what pleasures and pleases each other.


I'm sorry, where did I say they weren't real? I NEVER said they weren't real. Perhaps you should read more carefully before questioning what I say, or asking for clarification..


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## malmale (Oct 5, 2010)

atruckersgirl said:


> I'm sorry, where did I say they weren't real? I NEVER said they weren't real. Perhaps you should read more carefully before questioning what I say, or asking for clarification..


NO NO NO!!! that was not what i meant, i asked coz i wanted to know where u were from so that i can try to explain what i wanted to explain to u earlier, sorry for the misinterpratation n misunderstanding...


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## BUSYBEES (Oct 15, 2010)

I'm currently dating someone that I was friends with a while back we met up again on Face Book well we have a lot of fun together and are considering marriage but when we are intimate I always imagine someon else. I enjoy having him in my bed. But phsically attracted to him I am not. I'm not sure if i'm just settling for him i'm almost 40yrs old and I would like to have another baby before my eggs dry out. Sex is good but I honestly picturing someone else.


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## malmale (Oct 5, 2010)

BUSYBEES said:


> I'm currently dating someone that I was friends with a while back we met up again on Face Book well we have a lot of fun together and are considering marriage but when we are intimate I always imagine someon else. I enjoy having him in my bed. But phsically attracted to him I am not. I'm not sure if i'm just settling for him i'm almost 40yrs old and I would like to have another baby before my eggs dry out. Sex is good but I honestly picturing someone else.


what's stopping u from hooking up with that someone else?


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## 76Trombones (Jun 2, 2010)

I have never experienced sexual attraction but I can tell you that I have still had great relationships. I'm married now, and I don't think it takes anything away from the relationship. There is still love, devotion and all those other mushy things. There is lot more to a marriage that just sexual attraction. But if you NEED it, as a lot of people do, then there is not much you can do about that. Maybe talk to your husband about it, in terms of needs.


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## DaMarried (Oct 16, 2010)

My grandmother once said about the idea of marrying a native American or Asian woman, that they look real pretty when they are young, but she has never seen a pretty old Asian woman, and to think about that if I wanted to marry on.

I didn't tell her this, but I thought at that time as a teen, I'd never seen an old woman I thought was attractive. My grandmother was an old woman, so I didn't say anything.

No matter how good looking you are when you are young, one day you just won't be all that attractive, no matter how you try to prop things up or trim things down. Whoever you are married to will have the same problem, too. 

If you want to grow old with someone, you have love them on a level that goes beyond physical attractiveness. I remember as a teen or a young man thinking about the though of old married couples having sex with each other was gross. How could they sleep with each other? The person they are having sex with is old and wrinkly. But when you love each other, that is the person you love, not some old wrinkly body.

I guess what I am trying to say is to work on the emotional aspect of the relationship. If you want to talk about this, you don't have to say, "You are ugly." But you could point out that the emotional distance makes him seem less attractive. You could also point out that if he did something exciting in the bed room, that might help you with your attraction toward him. I don't know if 'attraction' is the right word. You can describe the problem without implying that he is ugly.

And if he won't talk to you at parties or if he says you are acting very *****y lately (I can only guess at the censored word) then that may be a place to start working on your relationship. These things are a vicious cycle. The wife snaps at the husband or criticizes him constantly. The husband speaks harshly to his wife. So she gets on his case more. And he is harsher to her. It keeps on going until the cycle is broken. 

When my wife and I have gotten like this, having a conversation where we talk about it and forgive each other helps. Before you do this, though, it helps to start talking nicely to him. Talk to him like someone have just started dating for a while. If you have tough news or a comment about something you don't like, say, "Can I tell you something?" Get his permission and say it very gently and diplomatically, instead of just giving him a piece of your mind. Show him some attention. Go out of your way to do kind things for him. When your spouse does things like that, it is a lot easier to reciprocate. And then you can have the conversation about how you'd been speaking harshly toward each other, ignoring each other, or whatever problems and take care of that.


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