# Should I leave?



## HELPMEga (Mar 27, 2010)

My husband and I have been married for 6 years. We have 2 kids 5 and 4. My husband has been very distant for about 2 years and recently even more so. It started with him working during a (paid) hobby of working on cars. I accepted it because he would return the money back to the household. However, in the past 6 months, we have brought a house and of course made more bills for ourselves. My husband has always been a provider. He provided for us during the 3 years that I was a stay at home mom. However, now he refused to give the extra money he make to the house and stays out all day and most of the night working on cars. This is a problem because it is a struggle to make sure all the bills are paid. I work only part time and could never pay all the bills by myself. I don't think he is cheating, but the thought has crossed my mind SEVERAL times. I am with my kids all day because I work at the school my kids attend. I take care of everything at home from paying bills to making repairs. My husband will not do anything unless it benefits him. He does not talk to me and continues to tell me that we don't have any problems. Our sex is horrible. I hate to have sex with him but do it out of obligation. Some days I can fake it enough to make him think I enjoy it and other days lay there only waiting for him to be done. He has told me that he does not want a divorce, however, told me he only married me because I wanted him to. He secretly got a vescetomy a month ago which I did not even know he was thinking about. He did not even tell me once it was done. I discovered it because I say the bill from the insurance company. I feel unloved and betrayed by him and don't think this is something that we can work through until he is ready to talk which I don't see happening anytime soon. 

What should I do for my sake and my kids sake?

Thanks


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

This is pretty serious stuff. You are a single person stuck in a marriage, so it seems. Do you want to stay married to him? What are your kids learning about love and relationships? 

These are important questions, but so too are the ones about the reality of divorce. If there is a lot of anger and blaming, then the kids tend to suffer a lot. It will be hard on them to be shuffled between households, but you can help and this will eventually seem normal to them. If you split custody 50/50, you lose control over a lot of their time, although it can improve their relationship with their father, a lot. Right now, he is an absent father, however, and that is a "negative" for them. Will he do better if he takes them 50/50? Would he even want them?

My guess is that if you shut off the sex, he would want a divorce. And you may well get to the point you cannot allow him to touch you--you aren't there yet, but it can happen. Rather than wait for some crisis, maybe you can sit him down and offer him two choices: you start marital counseling, or you get a divorce. If you are willing and able to make the divorce easy on him--ask for the bare minimum you need to survive, and agree to look for full-time work as soon as both kids are in school full-time (in a school, if you can--great job for a single mom, b/c the hours tend to match your kids' hours), limiting your claim for spousal support (alimony) to as few years as you can--he may choose the divorce. 

Work up an agreement. Find out your State's formula for child support, and show him. In my state (WI) it is basically "Higher income - lower income x .25" for two kids. [Usually, and in your case if you lived here, that would mean Dad's income - mom's income x .25.] If you could survive on that for a couple of years, without alimony, tell him you won't ask for any, tell him how long you will keep open your claim for alimony, and let him know the most you would ask for--all these are things that can be written into the legal agreement, usually, and he may see that divorce does not have to be the financial nightmare he may fear. You can often download divorce papers from your county court's website (or borrow from another county in your state; they are the same, I THINK, w/in each state, but don't quote me on that). You can show him what the divorce "bottom line" would be for him financially. 

Bottom line for him, remember, includes these things: marriage counseling or divorce. The sex spigot is being turned off--be sure to tell him that--until he chooses.

Since he does not want a divorce, however, you may want to explore what keeps him in the marriage--convenience? Not wanting to look like a bad father? He is being a bad father, of course, and even if no one outside your household knows it, his KIDS will know it and hate him for it down the road. Ask him if he wants to be the kind of dad kids never mention to their friends and whose kids never visit him when they are old enough to have choices. What is the facade worth then?

Good luck.


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## hurtbutrealistic (Mar 28, 2010)

My husband is the kinf that my kids will never tell their firends about eitehr-nothing really positive anyway. 25 years-ok we have made it through some really bad ****, and it seems to be hapening again..

Bottom line is are you happy? I do not think a wife who fakes orgasms should or could be happy. Sex should be good for both-not just one person! 

Kids are very important- We are grandparents now to a beautiful 10 month old baby girl, but our relationship is disintegrating before my eyes-my husband is becoming quite spiteful, and angry and awful because he might lose his security clearance-and then his great job. I understand the anger and frustration but getting it rubbed in my face every other day is not helping our marriage at all. I am realisitic and I know that we cannot make it like this any longer. I feel the desparate need to get out and make him be alone-that is what he deserves according to my daughter. Well anyway you are young and you can change you rlife and you future for your kids. Tell him couseling and no sex, that is the deal. 

Be warned: Men do not change! Only if something really drastic happens do thay decide to change.


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## beautifullybroken (Mar 28, 2010)

That is definately some serious stuff going on there. I feel for you, big time. I have found that if a man is distant, well if anyone is, there is generally a problem! Plus if the sex is bad that's another huge key factor I look at anyway! I would be weary about him having an affair especially since he's keeping money from you. This could mean he's using this cash for anything, from gifts for a lover, to hotel rooms...not saying this IS happening and I hope you don't think I'm a total *****...but I am just being realistic. I do not have faith in men anymore, and I believe that there's a breaking point to everyones relationship...its whether or not we choose to stay and waste eachother's and our own time....and let's not forget our children's time...being unhappy. Life is too short, I know I want to LIVE again. 

hugs to both of you....


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## HELPMEga (Mar 27, 2010)

Thanks so much for your reply. I do really love my husband and I don't think I am quite ready to throw in the towel on it all. However, I just don't know how much I can take. Although I can say that things improved this weekend. I am going to to hold in there for my kids. They deserve us both, if he is willing to take a active role.


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