# D-day was yesterday - Need advice and help ASAP!



## SunBrewed (Jan 22, 2013)

I have to say although I have had a "feeling" for the last few months off and on for some reason I didn't think it was as bad as I thought. I guess I was just in denial, because I thought things were finally going better in our marriage, but maybe I was wrong about that too. I don't even know anything anymore. 


Brief history; My h and I have always had trouble in our relationship (1year) & marriage (8year) 
With affairs on both our parts 3 years ago. We vowed to rebuild our marriage and we bought our first house together. 
Although things have been rocky, I kept my word, he has not. We fought about everything and I mean everything. 
I finally thought things were getting better in some areas, and we working on other areas still. 

I had seriously been trying to look at myself for the past 4-6 months and things I needed to improve. 
Which I have been actively working on and doing very well. (depressed, unmotivated, awful listener to name a few) 

D-day was yesterday. I woke up and just knew that I had to ask once more. 
I promised not to cry and not to get mad if he was just honest with me. 
I guess I promised those things because I was so desperate to know the truth. 
He would not offer any info up on his own, he only said he would answer questions if I asked them. 
So I asked them and he told me what I thought was the truth at that time. 

He SAID he was just looking for someone to talk to, so answered a ad on craigslist under "strictly platonic." 
OW is married with 2 kids and not only talks to my h but other married men as well. Which makes me sad to think 
how many marriages she is ruining besides mine and her own. 

After I grilled h with questions I was going to let it pass. Because something in mean wanted to believe it was just friends and it was ok. But something kept poking at me that it was much more then that and that he was not being honest about everything that he had already told me. 

So I sat down again with him and told him that I knew he was not being honest with me and that there was more that he did not tell me because I did not ask the magic question. After much arguing he finally told me that she had sent him nude photos of herself, But he had not asked for them. An that they had been going back putting a erotic story together each taking turns writing a paragraph. But he refused to let me read the emails. 

He showered and left the house for a super bowl party at his bosses house. 
I stayed home and hacked into his secret email that he had kept. 
I read enough but I did not read everything as it was just to painful. 

This "talking" has been going for the last 3 months from what I can tell and from what he says. 
The last 3 months I actually thought things had gotten better sexually between him and I. 
Now I realize it was just because of her. Which makes me want to vomit. 
I am hurt because he NEVER has talked to me like he talks to her. I don't even know the things he told her. Which make me also sick. 
I am heart broken because he told her it is nice to have a intelligent conversation with someone who knows how to put more then a sentence together. 
An I am even more heart broken because I realized he had stores the phone number of the OW from his first emotional affair in this email account. 
Even though he said he deleted it 4 years ago. 

I am slightly delighted to know he told OW that I am the FBI, CSI and MI6 all rolled into one. Which you would think if he is telling her this it might have made him think that I would find this out. But then part of me wonders if that is what he was hoping for. 


I didn't want to see him. So I packed my bags and went to my mom's house 45min ago. 
Personally I wish I had kicked him out, but he has no friends and family here and I did not want to just push him into her arms more. 

I did not contact OW or her husband, although I have enough info to do so. 
I struggle with being the crazy one or the sane one. 

I did send a text message to h co-worker and said thanks for letting me know my husband was cheating on me, and that I hope his wife finds out what creep he is soon too. Maybe I shouldn't have done that but can't go back now. 


What I need help/advice with now is what now? I was a stay at home wife, h was sole income. I feel lost. I keep going through a circle of emotions, thoughts and feelings with no one to talk to about these things. Do I divorce him, contact OW and OW husband, get her fired, contact her pastor, scream it from the roof tops, get a job, hate h and move on with my life? Or do I go running back to him today and try to rebuild our marriage, trust that he is going to be honest even though his track record of honesty is about as weak as a uncooked pasta noodle. 

I am broken, confused and hurt. 

~ Harmony


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

What is stopping you from contacting OWH? Definitely need to do that...NOW!

Does your WH know you are gone from the house yet? Although I think you shouldnt have left the house, you should have made him leave, it is what it is.

Are there kids involved?


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## SunBrewed (Jan 22, 2013)

LetDownNTX said:


> What is stopping you from contacting OWH? Definitely need to do that...NOW!
> 
> Does your WH know you are gone from the house yet? Although I think you shouldnt have left the house, you should have made him leave, it is what it is.
> 
> Are there kids involved?


There are no kids involved thankfully. 

I have not contacted OWH because . . . well I am not really certain. In in the back of my mind I tell myself it is because if by just some strange slight crazy way I want to work things out with dh it will make him so mad that he wont want to be together. But then I realize I am protecting him, but I do not know why. 

The same reason I didn't make him leave in addition to not wanting him to run right into her arms if I made him leave the house. I am confused. not making the easiest and best choices.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

I understand your thinking but I really dont think he would have gone to her. She is married and has kids. Do you think she would leave her husband for yours?

Sometimes you have to be willing to lose the marriage in order to save it. If you dont blow it out of the water now it will happen again...3 years ago I bet he promised to never do it again, didnt he?


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## SunBrewed (Jan 22, 2013)

LetDownNTX said:


> I understand your thinking but I really dont think he would have gone to her. She is married and has kids. Do you think she would leave her husband for yours?
> 
> Sometimes you have to be willing to lose the marriage in order to save it. If you dont blow it out of the water now it will happen again...3 years ago I bet he promised to never do it again, didnt he?



I don't know if she would leave her husband for mine. 
He says she wouldn't but I think she might. But I don't even trust my own thoughts anymore. 

:'( yes he did promise 3 years ago never to do this again. 
I am such a fool


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

You're not a fool. Love makes you do stupid things. Im guilty!! You can start from this point forward making the right decisions. If you want to stay with him in the long run he needs to prove himself to you. Otherwise you have to walk away.


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## SunBrewed (Jan 22, 2013)

LetDownNTX said:


> You're not a fool. Love makes you do stupid things. Im guilty!! You can start from this point forward making the right decisions. If you want to stay with him in the long run he needs to prove himself to you. Otherwise you have to walk away.


That is what I need help with. 
I honestly don't know what the right decisions are.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Please don't take this the wrong way as I feel terrible that you are going through this. But are you certain about who this OW really is?

Craigslist is full of dudes "pretending" to be women. Does your husband know for sure?

In the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter as it is still cheating. Reason I ask is because what if their is no OWH?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Unfortunately, nobody here can tell you what the right decisions are either. But your husband doesn't seem remorseful for what he's done, he's not being open and honest with you, and frankly, he doesn't seem to care that you found out. I think if I was you, I'd be focusing on how to end the marriage, even if that's not what you end up doing.

You say you're a "stay at home wife". Why? Can you support yourself? Would you say you have access to half of your liquid assets, like cash? Will those resources sustain you till you can get on your feet, and pay for a lawyer?

I think if it was me, I'd be opening a bank account with my name only on it and transferring half of your joint funds into that. Then make an appointment with a lawyer to find out my rights and reasonable expectations. Keep whatever proof you can find on a flash drive stashed at your mom's place, even if you can't stomach looking at it now.

Until he freely starts offering up information, reconciliation wouldn't even be a consideration. You can attempt to bust up their cosy little affair; she's very vulnerable being married with kids. But it's your husband who made the wedding vows with you, cheated on you once, and then again years later. If it wasn't her, it would have been someone else. In other words, breaking up the affair doesn't fix the problem.

C


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## SunBrewed (Jan 22, 2013)

sinnister said:


> Please don't take this the wrong way as I feel terrible that you are going through this. But are you certain about who this OW really is?
> 
> Craigslist is full of dudes "pretending" to be women. Does your husband know for sure?
> 
> In the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter as it is still cheating. Reason I ask is because what if their is no OWH?



Yes VERY certain! Have her home address, her home phone number, her place of work, her husbands name and both of their facebook accounts of OW and OWH. 

It is ok, I wish was a man acting like a dude this might make it a little less painful.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

SunBrewed said:


> Yes VERY certain! Have her home address, her home phone number, her place of work, her husbands name and both of their facebook accounts of OW and OWH.
> 
> It is ok, I wish was a man acting like a dude this might make it a little less painful.


SunBrewed, 

I you expose to the OMW, she'll surely throw your H under the bus. He's not special to her. He's just another John she's playing with. That would give him a wake up. 

Still you'd have to work on why he would look to others for his emotional needs.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think you have to move forward as if your marriage is over. Start mentally, financially, legally preparing yourself for it. Get your finances in order, consult an attorney, and expose to the OWH.

Either your H will want to repair things with you once the OW decides that she wants her M (which she will), or he will not. Your only real step, in my opinion, is to show him you are serious about consequences. Once you do this, he can go either way & you can then decide how you proceed based on that.


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## SunBrewed (Jan 22, 2013)

PBear said:


> Unfortunately, nobody here can tell you what the right decisions are either. But your husband doesn't seem remorseful for what he's done, he's not being open and honest with you, and frankly, he doesn't seem to care that you found out. I think if I was you, I'd be focusing on how to end the marriage, even if that's not what you end up doing.
> 
> You say you're a "stay at home wife". Why? Can you support yourself? Would you say you have access to half of your liquid assets, like cash? Will those resources sustain you till you can get on your feet, and pay for a lawyer?
> 
> ...



You are right he does not seem remorseful at all. I was never satisfied with not being 100% remorseful 3 years ago either.

I have been a stay at home wife because of health issues I have with a disease I have in my legs which make it painful to stand or sit for long periods of time without alot of pain killers. 

I do currently have access to our cash, but it is not much and will not sustain me long. 


Sadly I did not make the password strong enough when I changed it on H secret email so he was able to change it back again last night. So I no longer have access to the emails. I wish I had been thinking clearer and saved, forwarded, printed, etc. But I had not, an now I am afraid he has deleted them all.

I know if it wasn't her it would be someone else. Or many others. Thank you for the input.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I strongly recommend you contact the OWH, he deserves to know.

As for your H, he's now a serial cheater. He knew the price, yet he didn't care and chose happily to betray you. 

He chose this. It was an accident, a twist of fate. It was a deliberate choice he made to betray you.

Tell the OWH and get a good lawyer. This one is not going to change.


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## SunBrewed (Jan 22, 2013)

Well H and I have been doing some very brief talking the last 2 days via phone and text. 

I have made certain not to cry on the phone to show my pain or say I want to be with him. Even though my heart is wrenching to be near him in some strange way. 

He says he wants to sit down tonight and have a heart to heart talk with me. I informed him that I would be mostly listening while he does the talking. I do not plan on making any longterm decisions or choices until I can think them through for awhile. 

When I asked what he wanted to talk to me about in person that he could not talk to me via text or over the phone. 
He stated "I am shutting down and cutting off parts of my life. I want to sit down and have a heart to heart with you. If not then I will just move on" 

What the heck does that mean? What should I expect? How do I prepare myself for this?

I do know he deleted his facebook account, but beyond that I have no proof of anything else of what he means by "cutting off parts of his life"

Applying for some jobs today finally at a local hospital that have some high in demand jobs with decent pay I could live on. I was going to do it yesterday but I was still feeling sorry for myself. 

I should add, H stated he does not want me to contact OWH because he is violent (from what OW told him) when he drinks. An H is afraid that the OWH will hurt him physically. How do I handle this?


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

SunBrewed said:


> .
> 
> I should add, H stated he does not want me to contact OWH because he is violent (from what OW told him) when he drinks. An H is afraid that the OWH will hurt him physically. How do I handle this?


He doesn't want the affair to be exposed and is trying to play the sympathy card so you don't tell OWH. He is in self preservation mode, that is all. He is a coward and doesn't want to be exposed. 

You need to tell OWH!!!!


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

SunBrewed said:


> I should add, H stated he does not want me to contact OWH because he is violent (from what OW told him) when he drinks. An H is afraid that the OWH will hurt him physically. How do I handle this?


Your husband is a liar. Cheaters also lie about the spouse of the AF in an attempt to avoid breakup of the affair. I have seen several similar lies. Using violence as an excuse is very creative. It is almost as if your husband wants you to feel sorry for his mistress.....poor thing, her husband drinks and becomes violent. If she or your husband need protection, then they can call 911 and exlain why the man went into a rage. If I was a BS, I would hope the husband of the OW was violent and kick the crap out of my husband.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Look I don't mean to be rude, but what kind of marriage did you ever really have? You say you argued throughout the entire marriage, you both felt entitled to cheat...doesn't sound like much more than a marriage of convenience. Only now, YOU aren't out there cheating too, so your ego is bruised.

IMO, your best bet is to STAY moved out, proceed with a legal separation or divorce, and see if the two of you have any reason to even see each other again. My guess is you'll discover after a while that you're better off apart.

And this:


> I should add, H stated he does not want me to contact OWH because he is violent (from what OW told him) when he drinks. An H is afraid that the OWH will hurt him physically. How do I handle this?


 is just your H protecting HIS OWN SKIN. He doesn't want you to do the one thing that would hurt HIM. Who do you work for: yourself or him?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

SunBrewed said:


> I should add, H stated he does not want me to contact OWH because he is violent (from what OW told him) when he drinks. An H is afraid that the OWH will hurt him physically. How do I handle this?


That's more of the bs she was handing him so he would feel sorry for her situation and draw on the White Knight emotions in him. It's the same protective emotions in him trying to protect her by warning you off. So as not to get her in trouble by exposing her, to her H. 

She's playing with many Johns, that shows she's not afraid of her H. Put a stop to this home wrecker.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Sorry I missed one........Craigslist, that's where poor women in abused marriages look for real love? 

Scum, that's what's on Craigslist.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Btw, cheater lesson 105- tell the AP that your husband is violent and drinks , heck even does drugs etc and you fear him, it gets you both sympathy and cover if AP ever gets pissed at you.

It's also almost never true. If she feared him, she wouldn't be cheating.


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## SunBrewed (Jan 22, 2013)

My husband and I had a heart to heart talk. 
Alot of things up in the air right now. 
He has said he has cut off all contact with her. 
He said he sent her an email stating so. Although I am not certain what his email stated, since he deleted it. (anyone know how to retrieve deleted email from a hotmail account?)

Strangely enough he forwarded her reply to his email account from his secret email account. So I don't know if it is in part or whole or even true. 

But she replied:

You must not want anything to do with me anymore. 
thanks for everything. 
You are awesome and a good friend. 
Take care. 


H has agreed to be 100% transparent to me going forward. He does seem remorseful as much as I can tell, but then I am only believing about 10% of what he says or does. 

He did surprise me when I told him I was reading divorcing busting book and another about about recovering from an affair. He asked if he could read them after me. 

I am not sure where to go from here. Yes everyone says stay moved out and do the 180 but I thought that was for spouses that did not want to be together. 

My H has made it clean that he wants to be with me, reconnect with me, and do whatever it takes to make our marriage work.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That sounds fake. He called her and told her he 'had to' break up with her, so expect an email from him (wink wink).

If he wants to be with you, he will give you access to EVERY email etc. account he has. He will sit with you and open every single one of them, WITHOUT deleting anything first. Don't warn him. Hold your hand out and say let me see your phone and your computer.

He will find and sign up for a marriage counselor and make the first appointment. He will continue to attend the appointments for as long as you say so. 

He will write her a No Contact letter that YOU see and approve and YOU send. We can give you examples.

He will tell your parents and his parents that he cheated on you, and ask them to forgive him, in front of you.

He will do whatever it takes so that he never sees her again; if that means leaving a job or moving, so be it.

He will cut out all Independent Behavior for now that YOU are not along with. 

He will turn down invitations to do anything that could lead to him being around other women, without you, for now.

He will read those books and give you a 'book report' to prove he read them.

He will take a polygraph so you can be sure he really DID call it off with her. 

If he won't do those things, he's still lying and cheating.


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## SunBrewed (Jan 22, 2013)

turnera said:


> He will write her a No Contact letter that YOU see and approve and YOU send. We can give you examples.
> 
> He will tell your parents and his parents that he cheated on you, and ask them to forgive him, in front of you.
> 
> ...



Can you give me some examples or tell me where I might find examples of no contact letters?

Also what is the point of telling our parents? My mom already knows but I feel that him going out and telling my dad and his dad (his mother is not living) that they would just disrespect him from now on. 

A Polygraph!? Really? Doesn't that seem a bit extreme?


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

SunBrewed said:


> Also what is the point of telling our parents? My mom already knows but I feel that him going out and telling my dad and his dad (his mother is not living) that they would just disrespect him from now on.
> 
> A Polygraph!? Really? Doesn't that seem a bit extreme?


Does he deserve respect right now?

Scheduling the poly will help get the truth out of them. They most likely will confess something before the test to keep from failing it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

SunBrewed said:


> Can you give me some examples or tell me where I might find examples of no contact letters?


Dear Cheating POS OW: I have realized that our relationship was a mistake and that I took my marriage for granted and risked losing my wife and family. I will not risk them further and can no longer have any contact with you." 



SunBrewed said:


> Also what is the point of telling our parents? My mom already knows but I feel that him going out and telling my dad and his dad (his mother is not living) that they would just disrespect him from now on.


That's the point. Look. I know you're scared of losing him. But do you think that keeping him at any cost is a GOOD choice? To have ANY hope of a decent respectful marriage, he MUST understand that he nearly lost you. And he MUST accept the RESPONSIBILITY for what he did. That means accepting that he single-handedly cut you to the core. That means telling both of your families that what he did was wrong, horrible, and shameful. 

If he is NOT willing to do that, then he's just sorry he got caught, and has learned nothing. Is THAT all you're worth?

Look, do you know what the most powerful weapon in the world is? An apology. If your husband is unwilling to apologize to your family and his family, then HE IS LYING TO YOU. If he really is sorry for what he did, and is afraid to lose you, THEN HE WILL APOLOGIZE.



SunBrewed said:


> A Polygraph!? Really? Doesn't that seem a bit extreme?


Are you kidding? After what he has done to you? Where the hell is your rage? Your indignation? Your anger? 

Tell me why HE should respect you if YOU don't respect you enough to demand a polygraph?


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