# Unspeakable grief



## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

After having a loving and highly sexual relationship with my wife for 47 years, it is ending. Her health problems make it impossible for her to orgasm, and she resents me trying to be sexual with her. I am heartbroken. 

I always believed that it was the woman that cherished the romantic /sexual love in a relationship. I have found this is not the case. I may sound stupid for this, but I find myself breaking into tears every time I think bout it. It is exactly as if someone had died......

My wife seems to be taking it much better...It's just sort of "oh well, we had lots of sex" and it is over and done.....

I can still have sex with my wife, but the wonderful lovemaking I remember from the past seems to be forever gone, and I don't know how I am going to cope with it....My lover is gone...

What am I supposed to do? I think of touching her lovely breasts, of stroking her skin, and know from now on it will bring her no pleasure...I am just a charity case.....

I had always thought of myself as a great lover....The truth was, she was my instrument, and I was the musician....Without my wonderful instrument I AM NOTHING....

I cant go on....

the woodchuck


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

I was away for a few months Woodchuck, what happened? I thought you were rebuilding the sexual aspect of the relationship and were starting to report some success in that? Did something new happen?

And what are you going to do now that you are in this situation?


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Woodchuck said:


> After having a loving and highly sexual relationship with my wife for 47 years, it is ending. Her health problems make it impossible for her to orgasm, and she resents me trying to be sexual with her. I am heartbroken.
> 
> I always believed that it was the woman that cherished the romantic /sexual love in a relationship. I have found this is not the case. I may sound stupid for this, but I find myself breaking into tears every time I think bout it. It is exactly as if someone had died......
> 
> ...


At 47 years of marriage, you can't leave her for the sex. Have her bloodwork done to see if her hormones are out of wack. Worst case solution is you continue to love your wife and do a friends with benefits solution. I don't think you get back out there on the market after this long.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> I was away for a few months Woodchuck, what happened? I thought you were rebuilding the sexual aspect of the relationship and were starting to report some success in that? Did something new happen?
> 
> And what are you going to do now that you are in this situation?


Yes, we were. I guess that is the cruelist part. Her illness crept in while we weren't having sex very often, and now that she wants sex, it is impossible for her to orgasm....She becomes aroused, is fully functional, just can't orgasm with any amount or variety of stimulation, from me or by herself...I am absolutely destitute with grief....

the woodchuck


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Woodchuck said:


> Yes, we were. I guess that is the cruelist part. Her illness crept in while we weren't having sex very often, and now that she wants sex, it is impossible for her to orgasm....She becomes aroused, is fully functional, just can't orgasm with any amount or variety of stimulation, from me or by herself...I am absolutely destitute with grief....
> 
> the woodchuck


So she still wants sex, just can't climax? Or does she flat out not want sex?


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

treyvion said:


> At 47 years of marriage, you can't leave her for the sex. Have her bloodwork done to see if her hormones are out of wack. Worst case solution is you continue to love your wife and do a friends with benefits solution. I don't think you get back out there on the market after this long.


I would never leave her. I have told her that. When we were going through talks about divorce I decided that was just not an option for me. I could not even imagine having sex with anyone else. She was my sexual icon.....

It is not hormones, nerves are dead, and they will not come back....It is totally hopeless......If she could have an orgasm one time in twenty I would be happy, but after decades of wonderful orgasms every time we had sex, it is all over.....

I am somewhat bitter in that for the past several years she avoided sex as much as possible, and I can't help thinking about all the sex we could have had...Stupid isn't it. 

I guess she will reflect on the same thing from time to time....

I know it is ridiculous for a grown man to cry about such a thing, but I just can't stop....


the woodchuck


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> So she still wants sex, just can't climax? Or does she flat out not want sex?


I am, not without my charm, I can seduce her to the point where she is totally willing and eager....Then...NOTHING....NOT EVEN CLOSE........Imagine a paraplegic from the waist down....she has movement and function, but no orgasm...


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Woodchuck said:


> I would never leave her. I have told her that. When we were going through talks about divorce I decided that was just not an option for me. I could not even imagine having sex with anyone else. She was my sexual icon.....
> 
> It is not hormones, nerves are dead, and they will not come back....It is totally hopeless......If she could have an orgasm one time in twenty I would be happy, but after decades of wonderful orgasms every time we had sex, it is all over.....
> 
> ...


They can't regenerate nerves? I'm sure there is something they can do on the entire face of the earth to get this.

Perhaps she can trigger her pleasure response from another place, like haven't you heard that some have orgasms from their breasts?


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

treyvion said:


> They can't regenerate nerves? I'm sure there is something they can do on the entire face of the earth to get this.
> 
> Perhaps she can trigger her pleasure response from another place, like haven't you heard that some have orgasms from their breasts?


I'm sure they could implant an electrode in her brain and give her a button to push, but in all reality it is over......

the woodchuck


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Woodchuck said:


> I am, not without my charm, I can seduce her to the point where she is totally willing and eager....Then...NOTHING....NOT EVEN CLOSE........Imagine a paraplegic from the waist down....she has movement and function, but no orgasm...


Is there pleasure in it for her? Does she still like the closeness?


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## nothingtodeclare (Apr 13, 2013)

*Re: Re: Unspeakable grief*



Woodchuck said:


> ...and I can't help thinking about all the sex we could have had...Stupid isn't it./QUOTE]
> 
> No it's not. It's a natural reaction and a lesson for all of us.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

treyvion said:


> Is there pleasure in it for her? Does she still like the closeness?


Less and less I think. Whe will have sex and in a day or two will start a fight...Like she resents my having an orgasm when she can't, and that makes her angry with me. I love to hold her in my arms, and that dosn't lead to me wanting sex every time, but it seems to remind her that she can't...

the woodchuck


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

Have you tried vibrators? Maybe the added stimulation from that would do the trick?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Woodchuck said:


> Yes, we were. I guess that is the cruelist part. Her illness crept in while we weren't having sex very often, and now that she wants sex, it is impossible for her to orgasm....She becomes aroused, is fully functional, just can't orgasm with any amount or variety of stimulation, from me or by herself...I am absolutely destitute with grief....
> 
> the woodchuck


Oh Woodchuck, I am so so sorry! It is like a death. I haven't finished reading the thread but just couldn't continue to read without saying this. I'm so sorry.


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## catfan (Jan 12, 2013)

*Re: Re: Unspeakable grief*



treyvion said:


> Is there pleasure in it for her? Does she still like the closeness?


I think this is a good one. For me, sex isn't to climax, but about being close and loved. So even when I didn't feel much down there, I would love to hold my partner and make him happy. Maybe focus less on orgasm, and more on the personal connection of sex?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

That is really sad. Yes, like a death. My brother actually is paralyzed from the waist down. Yes, the loss of sexuality is huge.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

donny64 said:


> Have you tried vibrators? Maybe the added stimulation from that would do the trick?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes....NADA....

THE WOODCHUCK


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Oh Woodchuck, I am so so sorry! It is like a death. I haven't finished reading the thread but just couldn't continue to read without saying this. I'm so sorry.


Thank you so much...I feel like a total fool sitting here crying all over my laptop, but just can't stop...

I lived in a sexless marriage wher the partner just avoided sex....We eventually fixed that....This is much worse, hopeless.....


the woodchuck


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Woodchuck said:


> Less and less I think. Whe will have sex and in a day or two will start a fight...Like she resents my having an orgasm when she can't, and that makes her angry with me. I love to hold her in my arms, and that dosn't lead to me wanting sex every time, but it seems to remind her that she can't...
> 
> the woodchuck


I can imagine she would feel resentful. She's being stimulated but deadened nerves won't allow enough stimulation a for a climax. Having spent several years like that... Pissed off would be closer to reality. I am so sorry. 



Woodchuck said:


> I had always thought of myself as a great lover....The truth was, she was my instrument, and I was the musician....Without my wonderful instrument I AM NOTHING....


This is such a beautiful sentiment! I hope you have shared this with your wife.



Woodchuck said:


> What am I supposed to do? I think of touching her lovely breasts, of stroking her skin, and know from now on it will bring her no pleasure...I am just a charity case...
> Nerves at the sight?


Stop that! You now have to find a new normal. What was, is no more, but that doesn't mean it's over, it just means it will be different!

If Mr. Pink wants he's knee massaged do I get anything out of that? If I want my back massaged does he get anything out of that?

Sex no longer means sharing touches until a climax is reached but it doesn't mean the joy of physically connecting is over. You and your wife will have to do some serious honest talking to discover ways you can meet each others needs, your new normal. She might not appreciate or want arousing caresses because those nerves are damaged and the damage leave her unable to orgasm. But she may be very interested in making sure you still feel loved!

Find your new normal and create a new way to connect. Sex is NOT off the table, it simply works differently now.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> I can imagine she would feel resentful. She's being stimulated but deadened nerves won't allow enough stimulation a for a climax. Having spent several years like that... Pissed off would be closer to reality. I am so sorry.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


LIke I said, she may learn to get that mind to pleasure connection required for an orgasm from somewhere else. Try anal, some people do get off from it.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> I can imagine she would feel resentful. She's being stimulated but deadened nerves won't allow enough stimulation a for a climax. Having spent several years like that... Pissed off would be closer to reality. I am so sorry.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I know, different......I have enough mental movies to last a lifetime.....

How many guys can say they gave their wife orgasms that left her unconscious?

I guess I need to unfold the old massage table....Wish me luck

the woodchuck


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Woodchuck said:


> I know, different......I have enough mental movies to last a lifetime.....
> 
> How many guys can say they gave their wife orgasms that left her unconscious?
> 
> ...


What in the h3ll kinda orgasm is that?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

treyvion said:


> What in the h3ll kinda orgasm is that?


Very good ones. I've had them almost to the point of blacking out.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Me too!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Me three. Effing awesome!


Woodchuck, talk to her. hear her. She's hurting too.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

I am glad you ladies have been there. 

Most of the time when I mention her blacking out from the intensity of her orgasm I just get dumb looks......Glad to see there are a few fellow travelers

I guess that was sort of an ego thing on my part, but what guy wouldn't feel like a major lover after something like that.

It wasn't like we had sex, it was at a level of pleasure and eroticism few people ever experience. We were the freeking olympics!

The funny thing is when people talk about vanilla sex, and wanting to spice things up....

MOST of our sex was what you would call vanilla......
Only more like the fuel rods being inserted into a nuclear reactor than plain old PIV......We went critical mass! Sure, we got into toys, oral, etc...but just plain old vanilla PIV was our mainstay...

I guess I just feel that it is such a tragedy that a sexual being like her should have this happen....On the brighter side, we did have many wonderful times together, and some couples never have orgasms together. I should be thankful for that...It just dosn't make it hurt less.....

I knew it would have to end some day, I just wasn't prepared for it to end this way.....

Sorry for being such an a$$ about this whole thing, but the wife is in bed with a nasty stomach bug today and I am alone with my thoughts.....Thanks again to all of you...

good luck
the woodchuck


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

> I guess that was sort of an ego thing on my part, but what guy wouldn't feel like a major lover after something like that.


My W and I have the same "abiliites". I don't think it's all your ego man. It feels fantastic from a "giving" standpoint to be able to do that for someone, and to know you're "enough" or "more than enough", and the don't have to "want".


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

donny64 said:


> My W and I have the same "abiliites". I don't think it's all your ego man. It feels fantastic from a "giving" standpoint to be able to do that for someone, and to know you're "enough" or "more than enough", and the don't have to "want".




Thanks...Not too many people get it. I am retired now,but
back in the day when the job or people were getting me down, I could think to myself"bring it on suckers,"

I'm gonna bang the most beautiful woman in the world tonight, and she's gonn'a LOVE it" ....
.
I guess the reason it hurts so much is I tied up so much of my sense of self in my sex life ....


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

Maybe I missed it somewhere...What specific health problems does she have that make her incapable of achieving orgasm?


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Waking up to life said:


> Maybe I missed it somewhere...What specific health problems does she have that make her incapable of achieving orgasm?


It's called idiopathic peripheral neuropathy ....And it is pretty much incurrable and very painful..

People who are diabetic get it a lot...Hense all the lyrica commercials...but then they call it diabetic peripheral neuropaty ...The ideopathic just means they don't know what the hell caused it....

I suspect it is autoimmune related since she had a mysterious episode of illness a few years back...very ill for several months, no diagnosis, Autoimmune problems in bloodwork....Also her brother developed Guillian Baree syndrome recently after a flu shot....Docs warned all siblings not to get them...Congenital autoimmune problems suspected..

the woodchuck


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I'm so sorry, please take time to grieve this is a big issue. Please remember and reminder her that as humans we need to physically connect. Cuddle, hold hands, hug, kiss.

Going out on a limb, I mean no disrespect but, what about anal sex? Or is that area also affected?

Last, have you looked into neuro feedback? We tried with with our son for his autism, but in the office I learned that if they connect the feedback down "there" many woman where able to reconnect and had better control of their bladders for example or to treat certain sexual dysfunctions.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

Woodchuck said:


> It's called idiopathic peripheral neuropathy ....And it is pretty much incurrable and very painful..
> 
> People who are diabetic get it a lot...Hense all the lyrica commercials...but then they call it diabetic peripheral neuropaty ...The ideopathic just means they don't know what the hell caused it....
> 
> ...


Is the inability to orgasm directly from the neuropathy? Or is it a result of the medications she has to take (which is a common side effect of those types of meds)?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

mablenc said:


> I'm so sorry, please take time to grieve this is a big issue. Please remember and reminder her that as humans we need to physically connect. Cuddle, hold hands, hug, kiss.
> 
> Going out on a limb, I mean no disrespect but, what about anal sex? Or is that area also affected?
> 
> Last, have you looked into neuro feedback? We tried with with our son for his autism, but in the office I learned that if they connect the feedback down "there" many woman where able to reconnect and had better control of their bladders for example or to treat certain sexual dysfunctions.


Thanks for trying to help. She is very in to anal, but intercourse is not possible due to size problems...I used to massage her clit while stimulatimg her anally with a finger....She would lie on her belly, I would slip my hand under her, cupping her vagina and rubbing her clit...Then I would insert a finger analy, and continue to stimulate her....She would have the looongest most deliscious orgasms from this......

All of this neuro stuff sounds too off the wall for her to try....She is starting a new med tomorrow....I don't hold out much hope for it, but keep your fingers crossed....


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Waking up to life said:


> Is the inability to orgasm directly from the neuropathy? Or is it a result of the medications she has to take (which is a common side effect of those types of meds)?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



It's a chicken/egg thing. They both started at the same time...


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

How are you doing now Woodchuck? Just wanted to say I'm thinking about you.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> How are you doing now Woodchuck? Just wanted to say I'm thinking about you.


Glad to hear from you pink...Thought I had scared all the decent wimmin folk off speaking of my enormous sexual prowess.....

It is so kind of you to reach out, and I truly appreciate it. I am just muddling through, I have the wife tucked in, going to wash a few dishes and turn in with a large whisky....Again thanks..



the woodchuck


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## vegasruby (Apr 30, 2013)

Woodchuck said:


> I am glad you ladies have been there.
> 
> Most of the time when I mention her blacking out from the intensity of her orgasm I just get dumb looks......Glad to see there are a few fellow travelers
> 
> ...


It sounds like you used sex to give you self esteem.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

vegasruby said:


> It sounds like you used sex to give you self esteem.


Don't we all in some way? Prowess, looks, sex appeal?...

I get my self esteem from having a very successful carear as a sought after mechanical designer...

With only a HS diploma I became an engineer with a fortune 500 company, and worked on projects from tooling and automation in industry to nuclear plants, and miniature spy submarines...My last employer said I made him look like a genius for hiring me....:smthumbup: 

I also shoot pistols in competition, and am the "go to" guy for catching large trout....


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## vegasruby (Apr 30, 2013)

Woodchuck said:


> Don't we all in some way? Prowess, looks, sex appeal?...
> 
> I get my self esteem from having a very successful carear as a sought after mechanical designer...
> 
> ...


I do not use sex to boost self esteem. I only try not to lose self esteem during sex. I stopped using sex to boost self esteem around age 23. 

I think it is great all you have done with only a HS diploma. :smthumbup:


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

Woodchuck said:


> Glad to hear from you pink...Thought I had scared all the decent wimmin folk off speaking of my enormous sexual prowess.....


Hey! Aren't I "decent wimmin folk too?"  I'm a nurse, so my previous questions to you were more medically related. I'm so sorry to hear you're having such trouble. You're grieving the loss of something very important to you, and no one should judge you for that. As cliche as it sounds though, don't give up hope completely. Perhaps your sexual connection with your wife will not be the same...but it doesn't need to mean that it has to stop altogether. Let her grieve too...when she's ready, hopefully she'll be more open to experiencing sexual intimacy with you without orgasm being an absolute requirement for enjoyment. FWIW: I've never once had an orgasm with my H.  If I refused to have sex because of this...well, I might as well have become a Nun instead of getting married 19 years ago! I envy your wife.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Waking up to life said:


> Hey! Aren't I "decent wimmin folk too?"  I'm a nurse, so my previous questionsidiopathic peripheral neuropathyto you were more medically related. I'm so sorry to hear you're having such trouble. You're grieving the loss of something very important to you, and no one should judge you for that. As cliche as it sounds though, don't give up hope completely. Perhaps your sexual connection with your wife will not be the same...but it doesn't need to mean that it has to stop altogether. Let her grieve too...when she's ready, hopefully she'll be more open to experiencing sexual intimacy with you without orgasm being an absolute requirement for enjoyment. FWIW: I've never once had an orgasm with my H.  If I refused to have sex because of this...well, I might as well have become a Nun instead of getting married 19 years ago! I envy your wife.


idiopathic peripheral neuropathy
Woodchuck ...so sorry to hear what your going through. Just a suggestion you might look into the B12 therapy for 
Idiopathic peripheral neuropathy. There have been successes in rejuvenating nerve feeling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

treyvion said:


> What in the h3ll kinda orgasm is that?


I believe in one of the Asian cultures it is referred to as "The Little Death". I believe my wife could get there but she is a bit fearful.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Good grief it's unfortunate to see a grown man apologizing for shedding tears and expressing natural GOD GIVEN emotions. You're mourning the potential permanent loss of something of obvious extraordinary importance to you. Take the time to grieve that loss, and don't try and speed through it.

I'll admit to being one who's read enough of your threads to be truly baffled by why you stay with your wife. Having said that it's incredible, and refreshing, to see you discuss this woman in such high regard. Your sexual icon? Wow. That's profound.

And when this phase passes, and a new normal sets in, I sincerely hope the two of you find new sexual waters to explore together. What was may be lost, but after the grief has assuaged, perhaps brand new channels will appear.

And, above all, I hope your wife heals.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

mineforever said:


> idiopathic peripheral neuropathy
> Woodchuck ...so sorry to hear what your going through. Just a suggestion you might look into the B12 therapy for
> Idiopathic peripheral neuropathy. There have been successes in rejuvenating nerve feeling.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She has been taking a specially compounded formulation of drugs and vitamines for nerve regeneration for several months.....


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

jaquen said:


> Good grief it's unfortunate to see a grown man apologizing for shedding tears and expressing natural GOD GIVEN emotions. You're mourning the potential permanent loss of something of obvious extraordinary importance to you. Take the time to grieve that loss, and don't try and speed through it.
> 
> I'll admit to being one who's read enough of your threads to be truly baffled by why you stay with your wife. Having said that it's incredible, and refreshing, to see you discuss this woman in such high regard. Your sexual icon? Wow. That's profound.
> 
> ...


My wife can be an increadibly difficult woman to deal with, but a few months back when divorce was on the table, I tried to imagine what it would be like to make love to another woman...The screen went blank...I couldn't conjer up a mental image of me with someone else....We have been through a lot together, including the loss of our only child, so we share a lot of feelings.....I think keeping my father is putting a lot of pressure on both of us right now...It has been 15 months without a day off...

the woodchuck


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Waking up to life said:


> Hey! Aren't I "decent wimmin folk too?"  I'm a nurse, so my previous questions to you were more medically related. I'm so sorry to hear you're having such trouble. You're grieving the loss of something very important to you, and no one should judge you for that. As cliche as it sounds though, don't give up hope completely. Perhaps your sexual connection with your wife will not be the same...but it doesn't need to mean that it has to stop altogether. Let her grieve too...when she's ready, hopefully she'll be more open to experiencing sexual intimacy with you without orgasm being an absolute requirement for enjoyment. FWIW: I've never once had an orgasm with my H.  If I refused to have sex because of this...well, I might as well have become a Nun instead of getting married 19 years ago! I envy your wife.


Donnie64 mentioned it...A huge part of my enjoyment was GIVING her these wonderful orgasms....I read about women who cannot orgasm from PIV......she did, every time, from the very first time we made love...It is difficult for me to orgasm with her now because I dont have my "cue" that it is ok....I never had an orgasm during intercourse except during or immediately following hers...for over 45 years.....

the woodchuck


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Woodchuck,

You and your wife have suffered a huge loss. Your feelings about this are pretty normal. I'll bet that your wife is having difficulty handling it as well. A very good sex life is something very hard to lose.

Just wanted you give you some support here.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Woodchuck said:


> Donnie64 mentioned it...A huge part of my enjoyment was GIVING her these wonderful orgasms....I read about women who cannot orgasm from PIV......she did, every time, from the very first time we made love...It is difficult for me to orgasm with her now because I dont have my "cue" that it is ok....I never had an orgasm during intercourse except during or immediately following hers...for over 45 years.....
> 
> the woodchuck


I can definitely relate to this. My sex life is too very orgasm centric. My wife always climaxes from PIV (among other ways), and I always wait until she does. If her ability to reach orgasm ceased, we both would be absolutely devastated.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Woodchuck said:


> How many guys can say they gave their wife orgasms that left her unconscious?


.......Please teach me.....


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

It really can't be taught, or duplicated with great regularity, but she always had the cutest goofy little grin on her face as she woke up.... 

You knew there weren't going to be any complaints or criticism of THAT job....:smthumbup:

the woodchuck


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