# Husband Wants to Meet Female Friend While on Vacation



## MDC2007 (Jul 9, 2014)

Hey guys,

Sorry, I know I've been posting on here a lot lately, but you've all given me such good advice and I don't know who else to talk to 

So, my husband is going out of town in 2 days to visit his family. I was originally supposed to join him, but due to immigration issues I cannot leave the country I am currently living in. I am very disappointed I can't go, but he will be visiting his son and family, and I didn't feel it would be appropriate to ask him to cancel his plans.

2 days ago, he became friends with a girl on Facebook. He says they worked together almost 10 years ago, and now she is engaged with a new baby. They talked for a few hours the other night, and I saw that she was messaging him this morning. 

Tonight I asked him if he planned on visiting any of his friends while back home, and he did say he might meet up with this girl. He said they spoke about getting their kids together. I was a little uncomfortable with this and asked him if I have anything to worry about with this girl. He said no, that they have several things in common and they haven't seen each other in several years.

I'm sure I'm sounding crazy, and I'm sure I'm just overreacting. I'm just bummed I can't go and I don't know how I should feel about him meeting up with some girl I don't know.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Did you tell him straight out it made you feel uncomfortable? Did you tell him you did not want him to do it? 

Sometimes it helps to be very direct.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Isn't he also traveling with his ex and staying with her to visit her family on his trip?

Does this woman even know that he is married?


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## MDC2007 (Jul 9, 2014)

No, this isn't that trip. He's meeting his ex, picking up his son and traveling to his mother's house alone. He'll be visiting his family in his home country (England, not Poland). And yes, this woman does know he's married. She's engaged to marry the father of her child. 

He knows I'm bothered by it, but he doesn't really know why, as he feels he should be able to meet his friends with no problem.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Just tell him you aren't comfortable with this and now because he brought this up .... you don't want him to go at all. Ask him to stay home.


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## MDC2007 (Jul 9, 2014)

I can't ask him to stay home, he hasn't seen his son in a year :\


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## NWCooper (Feb 19, 2013)

Well if he hasn't seen his son in a year, I would think he would be giving his undivided attention to that son and his family, not some "Facebook friend"

This is not an unreasonable request from you, that he not meet up with her. Tell him how you feel.


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## MDC2007 (Jul 9, 2014)

He's taking his son with him, he says. It's just so their kids can get together and play and they can catch up since it's been so long since they've seen each other.


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## NWCooper (Feb 19, 2013)

No.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

I'm sorry but this dude isn't marriage material. He is disrespecting your relationship/feelings at every turn. First, he wants to meet up with his ex and go on vacation with her. Now he wants to meet up with another chick? Uh no. 

If you allow this to happen, it will be on you. If you tell him flat out that it makes you uncomfortable and you don't want him to do it...he can choose to respect your relationship and not do it. But just know that if he still chooses to meet up with these women, he is pretty much telling you he doesn't give a flying flip about what you feel. 

He's young and from the sound of it, not really ready to settle down.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Did you think he would say "yes" when you asked if you had anything to worry about? And, yes, you totally do. He really is clueless. Sees no problem in going with his ex to visit her family. Sees no problem in seeing this girl. Cause it's obviously so important for their kids to play together while they catch up. His boundaries aren't too good and he's not getting what you're saying.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Well, as it turns out, you are too scared to stay home on your own, so your ex lover is going to come and stay with you while your husband is away. After all, you're still friends, and he's ok with ex lovers being friends right? So he won't have a problem with that.

Like hell he wouldn't. 

Your husband has no idea how to be married. I can't believe his behaviour. Wow.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

staarz21 said:


> I'm sorry but this dude isn't marriage material. He is disrespecting your relationship/feelings at every turn. First, he wants to meet up with his ex and go on vacation with her. Now he wants to meet up with another chick? Uh no.




The paranoia in this thread is ridiculous. 

This other woman is a former work colleague, she is engaged herself, and the OP's husband will have his son with him. Moreover, he's not hiding it, he's telling his wife all about it beforehand. If he was planning to cheat, he certainly wouldn't tell his wife about it. Seriously, what else he could do, unless he's not allowed to have any female friends/acquaintences period. I already know where this conversation is going next; soon TAM members are going to start advising the OP to change all the locks before her husband comes home!

MDC, when you ask for advice on TAM, keep in mind that the people here are a suspicious lot, and they usually assume the worst. Not only are many people here vehemently against spouses having opposite sex friends, some of them are even against them having same sex friends (I am not joking).

Why does this always have to be either/or? Some spouses can be trusted with friends. Some can't. 

MDC, either you trust your husband or you don't. Has he given you any reason to be suspicious of him? If he has, then tell him you are uncomfortable with him seeing her on this trip. If he hasn't, then continue to trust him. Call him that evening, if it makes you feel better. But he's an adult, and you can't stop him if he's determined to cheat. You will have to trust him sometime.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Theseus said:


> The paranoia in this thread is ridiculous.
> 
> This other woman is a former work colleague, she is engaged herself, and the OP's husband will have his son with him. Moreover, he's not hiding it, he's telling his wife all about it beforehand. If he was planning to cheat, he certainly wouldn't tell his wife about it. Seriously, what else he could do, unless he's not allowed to have any female friends/acquaintences period. I already know where this conversation is going next; soon TAM members are going to start advising the OP to change all the locks before her husband comes home!
> 
> ...


There is an issue here. This is the guy who is going on a vacation with his ex and their child to Poland to visit the ex's parents. He's told his wife that she is not invited to go.


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

Looks to me like he is being up front with you. Your fear is reasonable, but my gut says it is OK. Better you encourage him to be up front with you, force yourself to trust him. That will go a long way with him.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Is there any way a family member of his can accompany him to this meeting with the girl?


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Theseus said:


> MDC, either you trust your husband or you don't. Has he given you any reason to be suspicious of him? If he has, then tell him you are uncomfortable with him seeing her on this trip. If he hasn't, then continue to trust him. Call him that evening, if it makes you feel better. But he's an adult, and you can't stop him if he's determined to cheat. You will have to trust him sometime.


I wanted to add that this is very true. OP can't control what he does. She can only tell him how she feels and what she expects. It is up to him to decide what to do from there.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

staarz21 said:


> I wanted to add that this is very true. OP can't control what he does. She can only tell him how she feels and what she expects. It is up to him to decide what to do from there.


This is true.

And she can decide what she can live with and make her choices accordingly.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> There is an issue here. This is the guy who is going on a vacation with his ex and their child to Poland to visit the ex's parents. He's told his wife that she is not invited to go.



I don't know anything about the OP's other threads, I am only giving advice based on information in this thread. And she said here she couldn't go due to immigration issues.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Theseus said:


> I don't know anything about the OP's other threads, I am only giving advice based on information in this thread. And she said here she couldn't go due to immigration issues.


Theseus, allow me to help.

THREE days ago, MDC2007's crisis was that her English husband, whose Polish ex-girlfriend (who lives in England) wants to go visit her parents in Poland, with her and MDC's husband's 5-year old son. And the Polish ex-gf wants MDC's husband to fly from Norway to Poland to meet them, see his son, hang out with her parents, and generally behave as if he isn't married to MDC.

Apparently, the next day (2 days ago) hubby renewed his friendship with an old coworker and now intends to go visit his parents in England, see his son, and get together with ex-coworker and her children.

MDC is looking for advice, because she has gotten really good advice on TAM, by her own words.

None of which she has actually taken.

Just FYI, 

MDC was an American girl, raised on promises. She couldn't help but thinkin' that there was a little more to life, somewhere else.

After all, it was a great big world, with lots of places to run to. And if she had to be.... stranded in Norway, there was one little promise she was gonna keep.

And that was to have no regrets about marrying a foreign guy she only knew for a few months, moving to Norway with him, applying for citizenship so that she couldn't leave the country while he went off and acted like he was not-married with other women.

MDC2007, this is not the husband you're looking for, but you seem determined to waste a chunk of your life staying married to him, and so you shall!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Theseus said:


> I don't know anything about the OP's other threads, I am only giving advice based on information in this thread. And she said here she couldn't go due to immigration issues.


She cannot leave Norway right now due to immigration issues.

But even if she could leave Norway. But her husband told her that even if she could travel, he does not want her to go on the vacation. He's wants to go on vacation with his ex and their child.

Now this trip to go pick up his child, see his ex, then go to his parents and see some old female friend has come up.


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## MDC2007 (Jul 9, 2014)

I can't go with my husband this trip due to immigration issues. The same with the other trip he spoke about. I've voiced major concerns over the trip to Poland and it doesn't sound like he's going. It hasn't come up since the night I posted the thread. Thing is, I know him and his ex aren't interested in getting back together, but they've had the kind of relationship where he has gone on this trip with her in the past, just so he can see his son. I get that that's sometimes been the only way he's been able to see him. But now he is married to another woman and there do need to be boundaries about him traveling with her, etc. I'm sorry, but I'm not okay with it and he has to understand. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't being unreasonable by not wanting him to go with her.

Same with this thread. I know that my husband should have his own friends, and yes, female friends. I know that that's a healthy part of any relationship. It just bothers me that he's only just very recently gotten into contact with her and now he's talking about meeting up with her. I feel ridiculous for being worried about this, but I am.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Why does your husband have to go away to see his son? it seems that he could see a lot more of his son if the son came and stayed at your home.


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

why don't you trust him?

Do you think if he wanted, he would not cheat at home itself?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MDC2007 (Jul 9, 2014)

*Re: Re: Husband Wants to Meet Female Friend While on Vacation*



NotLikeYou said:


> Just FYI,
> 
> MDC was an American girl, raised on promises. She couldn't help but thinkin' that there was a little more to life, somewhere else.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry, but I don't appreciate your assuming that you know me? 

My husband is a good guy, remember, you guys only get one side of the story. He's just never had to have boundaries with his ex when it comes to this stuff, before. They get along, I understand that. My parents never did, but that doesn't mean other ex-couples can't. I respect the fact that they get along. But I've also had to be very clear that now that my husband is married, their relationship has had to change as well. He's gone on the trip a few times before I was in the picture. But now I'm in the picture and I'm not okay with it. But, like I said earlier, the trip hadn't come up since the other night when I made the post.

I am a very insecure person. Every new woman that enters my husband's life I worry about. Every new Facebook friend, work colleague, you name it. I tend to over analyze EVERYTHING, and I always go to the worst place possible. Sometimes I really do think I am my own worst enemy. So this is why I come here, because I have a hard time figuring out what is acceptable and what is not. If I had it my way, my husband would never talk or associate with other women, but I know how absolutely ridiculous that is. 

I completely agree with everyone else that my husband should not go on the trip with his ex. I'm just not so sure it's reasonable for me to bothered about him meeting up with an old friend while he's back home visiting his mom.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

But it's YOUR marriage. We can advise, give you situations of personal experiences or what we fear...

But at the end of the day, YOU get to live with your decisions. And your husband. So the best thing to do is to Trust what you KNOW is the right thing for YOU. Not for anybody else.

If you don't want this, tell him. And let the chips fall where they may.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

You are right to identify your insecurity, OP. And you are right to share that very clearly with him.

Ultimately, OP, we cannot control anyone but ourselves. My husband is gone most of the time. He's in Japan right now, and the next two weeks is going to be in Europe. I just trust him.

If you really feel in your heart that your husband is a good guy, I would go with that feeling. Be as honest and open as possible with him, and help him feel comfortable being as honest and open as possible with you. 

Have you ever just told him straight out how insecure you feel about other women in his life, and asked him to help you with that?


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

MDC2007 said:


> Hey guys,
> 
> Sorry, I know I've been posting on here a lot lately, but you've all given me such good advice and I don't know who else to talk to
> 
> ...


I'm a TAM member who believes it's fine and healthy to have opposite sex friends - however - above bolded really stood out to me. 

I don't care if they haven't seen each other in ten years, it is weird to talk that long and frequently, even if they are planning to meet up. Especially if they are planning to meet up, actually.

OP - at the very least you have a partner with an extremely poor sense of boundaries, and at the most an EA or PA. Don't ignore your gut.


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## MDC2007 (Jul 9, 2014)

Yes, he knows how I am and we've spoken extensively about it, multiple times. We actually spoke about this last night. He used to be very accommodating and understanding towards my insecurities, but he did say last night he's getting a little tired of it. He said with every single person he's talking to, I want to know what they're talking about and the full back story as to why he knows them, blah blah blah. He says he thought I'd be more secure in my relationship with him by now.

He doesn't seem to hide anything from me. He wants his privacy, I can tell and he also mentions it. And every time he's on Facebook on the computer he'll make sure to log off once he's done, but I do know the password to his phone and can use it whenever I want. He has no problem logging into Facebook in front of me and he does mention every time a new friend from the past pops up and he has a conversation with them.

Every time I get worried about something like this, he tells me that he picked me, he married me, and that he wouldn't have asked me to come all the way over here if he didn't want to be with me.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Either you accept that or deny that.

Which way are you leaning?


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

MDC2007 said:


> But, like I said earlier, the trip hadn't come up since the other night when I made the post..



But this doesn't mean that he won't go. It's better to be on the same page and for him to tell you--with words--that he won't go on the trip. Correct me if I'm wrong but this post suggests that you are assuming he won't go. 

Do you know what they were talking about?


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## MDC2007 (Jul 9, 2014)

He said the other night they were talking about life since they last saw each other. Talking about their kids, he told her he was married and living over here now and she told him she was engaged, catching up so to speak. Yesterday morning she was asking him about his tattoos.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

Don't you think a few hours is a really long phone conversation for just catching up though? I haven't talked on the phone over 1.5 hours since high school - including conversations I've had with parents, long lost friends, lovers, etc. 

Most men do not like talking on the phone at all and certainly not for that long.


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## MDC2007 (Jul 9, 2014)

They weren't talking on the phone they were talking over Facebook


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

I dunno, still think there's something off. My guy friends who have no sexual attraction to me don't talk to or message me for hours unless it's activity related, like we are gaming online. 

Also, the tattoo thing is flirty. I would not like someone commenting on my SO's body. Just my two cents. If it's acceptable to you and you truly think it's innocent in nature, that is what matters.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Theseus said:


> The paranoia in this thread is ridiculous.
> 
> *This other woman is a former work colleague, she is engaged herself, and the OP's husband will have his son with him. Moreover, he's not hiding it, he's telling his wife all about it beforehand. If he was planning to cheat, he certainly wouldn't tell his wife about it. Seriously, what else he could do, unless he's not allowed to have any female friends/acquaintences period. I already know where this conversation is going next; soon TAM members are going to start advising the OP to change all the locks before her husband comes home!*


Going to have to agree with Theseus here



> I don't care if they haven't seen each other in ten years, it is weird to talk that long and frequently, even if they are planning to meet up. Especially if they are planning to meet up, actually.


Not weird at all to catch up after 10 years - plenty to talk about.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Sounds like your DH has a lot of history that you weren't there for, and this in itself will probably make you feel a little insecure.

Personally I'm not a fan of long private messages between my own DH and another woman. He's not a fan of me doing it so we understand each other. It's nice to be on the same page with your partner.

In this case I think you've probably made yourself pretty clear on what makes you uncomfortable and now all you can do is trust him and hope that he is worthy of it.


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## MDC2007 (Jul 9, 2014)

My husband has always been completely trusting of me and never questions who I'm talking to and what about. I asked him if he would be bothered by me catching up with a male friend if I went back home and he said no, not at all. I don't feel it's fair for me to give him a hard time about this if he wouldn't do the same to me. I do question him about everyone and everything...


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## MDC2007 (Jul 9, 2014)

*Re: Re: Husband Wants to Meet Female Friend While on Vacation*



Revamped said:


> Either you accept that or deny that.
> 
> Which way are you leaning?


I accept that. There was a 6 week period we were separated, when he came over here first and I stayed back home to get my affairs in order. He had every opportunity to decide he didn't want me to come join him, he could have just stopped talking to me, disappeared off the face of the earth, met someone else, and/or he could have cheated. He did none of those things, and here I am with him. So I really feel like I have nothing to worry about.

I must look like a a crazy person posting this on here. Thanks for all the advice, guys.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

well, since she is an old family friend, I am sure his mom would be more than happy to go along and make sure his son plays nice with his long lost friend. You should call her, and ask her to chaperone


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

MDC2007 said:


> I'm sure I'm sounding crazy, and I'm sure I'm just overreacting. I'm just bummed I can't go and I don't know how I should feel about him meeting up with some girl I don't know.


You don't sound crazy at all and not overreacting either.

He is married and in a LTR, there is no reason he should be friends/chatting or meeting ANY other woman. It's disrespectful and inappropriate for him to do so.

Isn't this a boundary in your relationship? You might want to make it one.

If he continues to not understand and proceeds, befriend a male and give him little taste of his own shiit......


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

MDC I agree that this is not healthy.

First of all he should be most concerned about how you feel and he doesn't seem to be.

Secondly, he is planning "extra-curricular" activities there with an old girl friend of his (I know you are going to tell me she wasn't his gf, but that is how I see it and probably how he sees it to).

Finally, I cannot help but wonder if she too wants to sample the "one that got away" before she finally ties the knot and settles down (I have seen this happen many times here).

Is there any way you can let her fiancé know that he is planning to visit her innocently - maybe something like just thought I would reach out to say hello and introduce myself, now that our two families are going to be friends.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

While I'm firmly in the camp of it's ok to have opposite sex friends so long as they aren't ex girlfriends, wives and so on something seems a bit off with this. Suddenly just catching up and making plans so quick with messages flying back and forth. It's possible they are just excited to reconnect, but also possible they are planning a hook-up. What was this woman to him exactly?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> While I'm firmly in the camp of it's ok to have opposite sex friends so long as they aren't ex girlfriends


Have you ever seen yourself or other men befriend a woman that he wasn't attracted to?

Think about that from both male and especially female perspective. 

If a guy is friends with your woman, chances are high he would LOVE to hit it.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Sorry but NO!! I won't even get into the whole OSF (opposite sex friend) issue. Your husband hasn't seen his kid in a YEAR?!?! He needs to spend EVERY waking second with his son!!


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## MDC2007 (Jul 9, 2014)

Well I just spoke to him about it, again. I asked him why he is seeing her and not his guy friends or other friends. He said she just happens to live close to where his mom does, his other friends like 45+ minutes away and it's just not really feasible for him to see them due to his lack of transportation. He also asked me if I wanted him to cancel it since it bothers me so much. I said no, I feel better now that he said what he said. I think I just need to drop it and trust him. 

He is taking his son with him, it's not like he's just dumping his son and going to visit her alone.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

There is NO way in hell my husband would be doing what yours is. Why can he not bring his son home to have his visit? Why does he think it's ok to meet up with other women when he is away from you?

No, no, no. 

Read this book, and then tell me if you still think what he is doing is ok.

Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"

The only opposite sex friends he should have are women who YOU are also friends with. Just as you should only be friends with guys that he is also friends with. The only friends each of you should have should also be friends of the marriage.

You are making a huge mistake by letting him do this. The next thing he does will be a little bit worse, then the one after that more so, until he finds himself in the middle of an affair. If he hasn't already.


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

I think you did the right thing by trusting him. If he hasn't given you any reason not to, then let him go. My thought is that if he is going to cheat, you not letting him go won't stop him. If he was honest about what he is doing, then it's okay.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

MDC2007 said:


> My husband has always been completely trusting of me and never questions who I'm talking to and what about. I asked him if he would be bothered by me catching up with a male friend if I went back home and he said no, not at all. I don't feel it's fair for me to give him a hard time about this if he wouldn't do the same to me. I do question him about everyone and everything...


 Not saying that your husband is a cheater, but cheaters always say they would not mind you doing something that they want to do with an opposite sex friend. The big difference is that while yours is only a possibility, his is a here and now reality. Also, if he has an interest in exploring a relationship now with this other woman, he can always agree with you later that it was a bad idea for him to see her if it does not work out, thus preventing you from doing the same thing.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

DoF said:


> Have you ever seen yourself or other men befriend a woman that he wasn't attracted to?
> 
> Think about that from both male and especially female perspective.
> 
> If a guy is friends with your woman, chances are high he would LOVE to hit it.


Yes me. I have several female friends and not attracted to any of them in that way


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## mc1234 (Jun 9, 2012)

Just wanted to say after 18 years of marriage, H reconnects with ex female coworker on Facebook. She contacted him. It was only days before they were messaging each other everyday Within one week his phone habits changed, more guarded etc, In 5 weeks I got the ILYBNILWY.

From my experience, I would be wary. Very.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

MDC2007 said:


> He wants his privacy,


There is no privacy in marriage. Sorry.


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## CoralReef (Jul 1, 2014)

This entire thread is annoying me. MDC, it sounds like what you really want to hear is the following:

-MDC you are being too insecure and controlling!
-MDC your husband is a great guy for going so far out of his way to see his son! You are so lucky and you should be proud!
-MDC you should trust your husband unless he has given you repeated reasons not to trust him!
-MDC your insecurity is the real problem here! Your husband just wants to hang out platonically with an old friend, what's your problem?

Are you content now? Because anyone who said otherwise was jumped on and bashed by you in an effort for you to protect your husband's honor. In fact, it seems that you are more invested in protecting your husband's honor than he is invested in protecting your marriage.

The reality is this:
-MDC your husband has poor boundaries
-MDC your husband uses your insecurity to his advantage
-MDC your husband knows what to say to get you off his trail
-MDC your husband is likely married but looking
-MDC your husband uses your insecurity to his advantage (oops did I already say that?)
-MDC if your husband were reading this thread he could count on you to jump on my post and defend his honor
-MDC if your husband were reading this thread he would be proud of himself for picking a wife so insecure that she would doubt herself into submission before demanding that he respect her and your marriage.

You deserve better but you won't get better until you demand it.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Gabriel said:


> There is no privacy in marriage. Sorry.


I hear this a lot on TAM, but no. 

If you're on the toilet, and your spouse wants to come into the bathroom, you have to let them in? For me, no thanks. A lot of things are private, even in marriage.


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