# 1st steps for getting my ducks in a row



## tiki (Feb 13, 2011)

I am done with my marriage... It has been 15 years of misery. We have 2 children. I am the bread winner, the home is in my name. I will not be able to afford the house on my own. I am ready and willing to walk away from everything and take my kids and get an apartment.

I do not want to go to counseling. I am just done. I am young enough where I can do this all over again with the right person. I know divorce is an awful thing for the children, but living in a miserable household is not the role model I want for them. I want them to see me happy and with someone who is positive. I want their dad to find someone who loves him for him. It is not me. I have been hurt way too many times over 15 years and I am done.

What do I do to get my ducks in a row.. I want to do this in a smart way. Do I see a lawyer first, do I start saving money? Do I get a place to live without him and let the house go? There are so many questions and I am at the point where I don't care about the "things" in this house... I just want what I need to survive with my kids. I have a good paying job and health insurance..... I can make it alone if I walk away from this house.. but what does that do to my credit?

Please advise if you can... what are the first steps to ending a marriage?

TIA


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

You sound a lot like me. Difference is that we were renting a house so having to sell it wasn't a problem. I just told my landlady we were moving as soon as I got an apartment for me and my kids. 

You will probably want to talk to a real estate agent. If you can't sell it you might want to look into renting it. Unfortunately walking away will damage your credit and eventually the market will come up again so trying to sell it, even if it's not as much as you want for it would be a good thing. Try and at least get enough to pay off the mortgage. 

You have a good job and health insurance and don't need him for support..VERY big advantages! I'm about there myself but still depend on my husband for things like health insurance and expenses that fall outside of the household (like car repair, clothes, etc). Sounds like you are more independent so kudos to you! :smthumbup:

You are correct in that it's better for both you and your kids that you be in a healthy, stress free environment. Don't know if you and your husband were screaming and tearing at each other emotionally like I was with my husband but it's definitely A LOT better to have your own place separately. It's a lot of work moving but it's worth it to start off someplace that's new. 

If divorce is definitely an option then I'd talk to a lawyer and see what is involved with your husband, any support (legally he should be paying you some child support) and see what's up with the house, bills, etc. You say you can't afford the house on your own but your husband may have to help you out with support and you could then apply it to your mortgage. Don't walk away from the house so fast. Don't assume anything..know for sure. 

Saving money is a no brainer. If you don't have a savings account now then get one started because moving has expenses. You'll need at least a month security deposit (it varies..some do ask a month and a half) plus your first month's rent. You'll need money for utilities. All the utility companies charge to turn on your services. It varies with each company. Plus, there will probably be overlap between your old house and the new so be prepared for that as well. 

Then there's the cost of the actual move. Even if you just rent a truck and move yourself it will cost something. 

The important things is to take things one step at a time. Don't let it all overwhelm you. I was a big "list maker". I wrote down lists of all the things I needed to do and all the people I needed to call. It helps a lot and you feel a great sense of accomplishment when you cross that last item off your list. 

First things I'd do is talk to a lawyer and real estate agent and then take it from there. Knowledge is power so you want to be forearmed with what you are facing before you plunge in. Eventually you'll get the new place and then you can deal with the logistics of moving. 

Whatever you do or don't do, don't walk away from your stuff. Stuff you have now is stuff you don't have to buy later. 

Oh, and try not think about ANOTHER relationship anytime soon. You will be going through a lot of physical and emotional upheaval. So will your kids. The last thing you need right now is another man in your life! Let yourself get settled in all respects before you start looking around for someone to fill that void in your life. You need to be working on yourself and for your family, not being distracted by a relationship. So many people make the mistake of rushing into another relationship right after their marriage breaks up. 

Good luck. It WILL get better.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

See a good divorce attorney first. He/she will guide you and help you make rational decisions. You may need to save some money up also. While most divorce attorneys will provide the initial visit for free, they usually want a retainer fee put up.


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## MAdadof1 (Jan 10, 2011)

tiki said:


> I am ready and willing to walk away from everything and take my kids and get an apartment.


Why "take your kids"? Aren't they his kids too? Don't they deserve time with their father as much as they do time with their mother? What is your justification for doing that?

Unless he is abusive, why not try to have an amicable divorce where both of you remain involved in your childrens' lives? That is typically what is best for the children.

:scratchhead:


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

:iagree: Don't know the details on your relationship and it ending but it's always a good idea to encourage your soon-to-be-Ex to be as involved as possible with the kids. It's not easy on you but it's important for the kids, assuming they want to retain a relationship with their father. 

With me, my 16 year old daughter doesn't want to breathe the same air as her father so I let her be. At 16 she's old enough to call the shots. It bothers my husband that she's written him off but I've told him that I'm not pushing her into anything. To his credit, he is good about this and gives her the space she demands. 

My 13 year old son was at first relieved to be away from the strife and stress of our former environment and glad that his father was around causing any problems. However, as time has passed he has come to want to see his father and now is spending weekends with my husband at his house. I encourage this for a number of reasons. My husband is always welcome to spend as much time with him as he'd like. 

We have no plans for divorce so it's mutual agreement right now. I try and make things as easy as they can be for my husband and kids. 

So if you can have your husband in the kids lives then by all means try and put aside your own personal experience and feelings. Plus, you'll appreciate the break you can get when the kids are with him. It'll give you some "alone" time to focus on yourself. You'll need it.


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