# Should have left well enough alone?



## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Well, I'm an idiot. I tried for months to rekindle something other than a 'caring' love with my husband. We did the marriage Fitness, counseling, date nights etc. But I kept thinking that something was missing. That he just wasn't INTO it. 

Yesterday, even tho it seemed that every male on the planet noticed me he rejected me twice! Really hurt my feelings too. 

Finally found out he likes it when I am romantic, sexy and sweet but doesn't WANT to reciprocate. Says he tried. Says he only wants us to 'get along'. Won't define that.

Long story short, I blew up, we argued he slept on the couch. for the first time since we have been together, he slept apart from me in anger. This morning, he doesn't get the kids to school (his chore) and I am left picking up the pieces.

Now I'm wondering if I should just apologize and let him sleep in the bed. "get along" as he calls it. Never EVER fight, argue or raise my voice. Keep bailing him out of his problems (like I have been) and just learn to get along. 

I don't want to be a part time mom to our 1 yr old son - I don't want to share weeks and him have 'visitation' and such. 

Enough to sleep in the same bed with a man who has rejected me sexually? Enough to keep paying HIS bills and not complaining? I don't know. I need his testimony in a court case that is coming up - an old ex is doing some really underhanded things (long story) and I don't want to do the divorce thing. 

He seems to hate change. Perhaps if I just don't say anything he will stay? Where will he sleep? I don't know. What will happen? Should I apologize and just suck it up - What does being "right" have to do with being married?

I'm glad he was finally honest with me (see other thread today) but not happy that he just got around to telling me. 

He said he doesn't want me to hate him and he still wants to be 'friends'. hrumph.


----------



## BIGJ (Mar 12, 2009)

Sounds to me like your marriage is about to come to an end(if it hasn't already)? shame, but, allow the situation to become a "life lesson", learn from it, and try to do better the next time.


----------



## martino (May 12, 2008)

Mayber her husband should allow the situation to become a "life lesson", learn from it, and try to do better the next time.


----------



## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

martino, what is the difference?


----------



## martino (May 12, 2008)

Sticking up for you Snix.


----------



## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

the difference is, whomever uses this experience as a life lesson is the one who will learn and grow from it.

i have one observation, which may not be helpful, and just be an observation: you have a current husband who is distancing himself from you and an ex who is so pissed at you or just suc a downright not-nice person that he is going to implied extreme legal theatrics to hurt you.

how'd that happen?

i guess i did have a question, after all.


----------



## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

lol recent cloud.

I'll try to be brief about the ex. We got together under false pretenses. He was a con artist who had been living off women for years. Eight years of abuse and blackmail. He refused to work, kept his own place. We were not sexually compatible, I finally found out why. He gave me a concussion when I was pregnant with his son and tried to blame me for it. All around nice guy (NOT)

I caught him raping my 15 year old retarded daughter one day. He ran away for two years to avoid jail. I filed for divorce the next day. Since he was never served except by publication he is now claming the divorce was a farce. Because it has now been 3 years since the divorce, the Courts down here are not willing to hear the evidence from my daughter. (long story there) The legal mess is because he thinks I owe him a living (his words) and wants me to take on 1/2 of his credit card debt (all gotten after he moved out in 2005. prior to that, I was the only one working and paid all the bills)

my current husband has just come up against a wall. he wanted a nice light relationship. I wanted marriage. To make me 'happy' he agreed to marriage, but never got into it fully. now he's being honest and saying he only wants to be friends. 

The ex is just a controlling, money grubbing pedophile 

There, non-question answered.


----------



## daddymikey1975 (Apr 18, 2009)

I to agree that it seems as if your marriage is off track.

Could ask what your husband is lacking.. there's a hole that isn't being fulfilled.. see if you can both fill each other's holes.. if not, time to learn a life lesson 

(as a side note.. maybe i'm butting in, and if so, i apologize..)

for the next go 'round I'd definitely find a guy that's got a stable job and is able to stand on his own feet. It seems as though you manage to wind up with guys that 'leech' off you for some reason...

(and please don't take that in an attacking manner... I obviously don't know you and could be way wrong, but in the event i'm remotely close, you'll understand what I mean  )

i hope this helps
mike


----------



## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

hi mike. yes you are right, i seem to attract leeches. I think it's my rescuing nature. 

This guy that i'm with now is the first one who seemed stable. he was supporting his kids on his own with no wife, an eagle scout, loved dragons, midevil weapons, pirates and old movies. He was kind, funny, sexy as hell and was madly in love with me. he sent me emails and messages 100 times a day telling me how much he loved me. we dated for six months, with everything getting better rather than worse. he finally begged me to move in with me, saying he could no longer be without me and wanted to wake up in my arms for the rest of his life. totally romantic and committed. he even asked me to marry him. 

then something happened. he fell out of love for me, but still tried to fake it (his words) then he started neglecting me, which upset me. i was still in love with him.


----------



## daddymikey1975 (Apr 18, 2009)

snix.. that's unfortunate that he's 'falling out of love with you'. . i wonder if the two of you could have an honest heart to heart to see where things changed and why. maybe he's just not into it. . 

at any rate.. i wish you the best.
if you need anything else.. just ask


----------



## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

We have had so many heart to hearts i'm tired of them. it's always me being honest and him being quiet. he says he doesn't know what he wants, doesn't know what he feels, isn't sure if he wants to move out or not. 

When he finally cuts thru the BS and is honest with me it seems that he doesn't want love with me, doesn't want comittment and doesn't want a relationship. he says he doesn't want to be emotionally responsible for anyone else in his life except his kids.

He insists he doesn't know when or why it happened. only that he knew right after he moved in with me (his idea) that he no longer wanted me or wanted to be here. Then he didn't say anything for three years about it, leading me to think everything was fine. he even asked me to marry him and we had a child together. 

Now he says he is very sorry he led me on all this time. Just not sorry enough to do anything about it.


----------



## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

Two bad unhealthy relationships. See a pattern here? Get out of your current marriage, start fresh and see a therapist to figure out why you're now in the situation you're in. Forget about men for awhile honey and just FOCUS ON YOURSELF and YOUR KIDS. God Bless.


----------



## daddymikey1975 (Apr 18, 2009)

I agree with 1nurse


----------



## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

we had the talk - http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...sion/5141-learning-settle-less.html#post51806 and he's supposed to be getting back to me on saturday about his decision. 

either he stays and we get married or he moves out or we are rolemates and he moves out of my bed. 

He really likes the bed (lol) so i think he won't pick number 2.


----------

