# Going on 8 months sexless marriage



## sexlessmarriage28 (Jul 16, 2014)

Yup, 8 months. 

Married for 3 years together for 6. This "marriage" is pure hell I want out. He is going to ruin my life, I am only 28 5'5 120 lbs healthy , physically fit and very attractive. Do I deserve this? No I don't


Screw him. 

Rant over.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I wouldn't tolerate it. But what's your question? Or is it just a rant? Don't blame you if it is... I'd be grumpy too...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sexlessmarriage28 (Jul 16, 2014)

It's a rant. 

I haven't slept in almost a week , my mind is mush. I can barely write a coherent sentence right now. I will write more when I start thinking straight. Right now I'm just trying to get through the day. Reading and roaming these boards always makes me feel better. I guess knowing that there are so many other people in ****ty marriages makes me feel less like a loser.


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## Hacker (Jul 14, 2014)

Why doesnt he want it


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Ok. Why haven't you slept properly in a week? There must be other stuff going on?

Feel free to post back when you feel like. There's lots of us who are/were in "intimacy challenged" relationships. My GF went three years...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

hah. love the rant. 

I have this rant with my friend and on here periodically. My wife doesnt like sex but wants to have another child with me later this year. I still have no clue how we can physically do that? 

Marriages and relationships would be more fun if people acted like themselves prior to marriage. For example "hey before we get engaged, I'd like to let you know that i find sex with you icky." ..or "hey before we get married, I'd like to let you know that I plan on drinking daily after marriage" or "hey just to let you know, I intend to stop working out in year 2 of our marriage" ..whatever you plan on doing after marriage, just lay it out there early on. Someone will love you, you just need to be honest.

"just so you know, I plan on changing who I am 15 months into the marriage".. hey wait a minute..


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## mpgunner (Jul 15, 2014)

There is a lot more going on here than no sex, right? Anger, control, disrespect???

Sex is very important but the "glue" is intimacy and if that isn't there then things are tough.


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## Cabsy (Mar 25, 2013)

I'd be interested to hear the why as well, but if it's driving you as crazy as it drove me, then don't tolerate it. Unless you're willing to live without sex, that is. I wish I had put all of my cards on the table years before I did. 

If you haven't made the picture entirely clear for your husband, then do it now. Sex is... great. There are too many reasons to list why that is so, both on a personal level and for the relationship as a whole. On the other hand, the situation you are in is very destructive, and the effects of being so unhappy and so unfulfilled will grow more pervasive as time passes. I know first hand.

My situation improved about a year ago, but this recent Ted Talk helped her better understand my needs, and it also made her more aware of her own sexual cycle. Now that she allows a knock on the door, I find she lets me in more often than not. She's even initiated more than I have recently.

The sex-starved marriage: Michele Weiner-Davis at TEDxCU - YouTube


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

sexlessmarriage28 said:


> Yup, 8 months.
> 
> I am only 28 5'5 120 lbs healthy , physically fit and very attractive.


OK, but what about him? Overweight? High blood pressure? Low testosterone? ED?

Child sexual abuse?

First rule out physical issues that he can't change without intervention.

If he's OK physically and mentally then you need to have a talk with him explaining that a fulfilling, intimate sexual relationship is needed in the marriage. It goes hand-in-hand with monogamy. You promised monogamy but not celibacy. If you can't get through then look into the 180 plan (usually for guys) and professional counseling.


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## sexlessmarriage28 (Jul 16, 2014)

Wow thank you guys for your replies. 

There is so much , I don't even know where to begin. He is 41 6'2 235 lbs. A bit overweight but not obese and as far as I know he has no health problems. 

He masturbates a lot and watches porn on his phone. However I know for a fact that the lack of sex is only a mere symptom to our failing marriage. I don't think his jacking off has anything to do with us not having sex. I think it's just the lack of communication and intimacy. I don't think he is cheating, although I am not 100% sure. I HAVE NEVER EVER been unfaithful. We share the only social account we have, and I know all his passwords to his emails and vice versa. Our phones are always available to one another and he does not spend any time away from home other than work. 

We have a 2 year old (soon to be 3) and she is wonderful. Our daughter holds us together if it were not for her, we would not have anything to say to each other. I feel guilty whenever I think about leaving the marriage because I don't want my daughter growing up in a broken home. On the other hand what about my sanity? I am starting therapy and plan to work on myself. 

I see there are lots of people in sexless marriages, they are pure hell. It's nice to meet you guys and thank you for your replies and concerns.


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## sexlessmarriage28 (Jul 16, 2014)

Chris Taylor said:


> OK, but what about him? Overweight? High blood pressure? Low testosterone? ED?
> 
> Child sexual abuse?
> 
> ...



Thank you for your advice Chris. He has no health problems, he jerks off all the time and watches porn so I don't think it's LD. He was molested by a family member once, and comes from a broken home. His father left them (2 other siblings and mother) when he was 18 for another man. Then he dealt with his father contracting HIV. So that was a very difficult time in his life. As far as I know he is O.K with it. One of the very first conversations we had when we met was about his gay father. He might need therapy, I have advised it.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

BostonBruins32 said:


> hah. love the rant.
> 
> I have this rant with my friend and on here periodically. My wife doesnt like sex but wants to have another child with me later this year. I still have no clue how we can physically do that?
> ..


bosbruin....the answer is ... obvious! Have a vasectomy....but don't tell her. Say...hey to have that kid you want, we have to keep trying till it "takes". :rofl:

when you reach around 50, tell her "I don't think its gonna happen"


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## Cabsy (Mar 25, 2013)

It sounds like you kind of have a handle on what is happening, if not why. The next step is to start fixing it. I had to deal with her depression and mental issues, and that's part of the reason nothing I said or did ever got through to her. Only when I was on the verge of leaving did she try to see my perspective and also set up MC sessions for us. It seems you have to deal with misplaced desire and his own set of mental problems. If you can restore that intimacy and desire for each other, then maybe this can be mended without further resentment, or without things escalating beyond control. This can be a delicate situation, but it can also require brute force sometimes.

Just don't let it fester, because it will rot the relationship to the core. Your first post already indicates a great deal of anger and frustration, and given his actions, he's probably detaching from the relationship as well.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Oh sexless28, I really do feel for you. Its a horrible feeling when you feel trapped and only stay because of your daughter who probably means the world to both of you.

Clearly your husband has historic issues that he needs to confront and deal with...but I'm not sure that would solve your intimacy issues.
It could be that he is 'simply' one of those people who cannot let go, open up and have a full on mental and physical relationship with someone. My wife is the same.

Other than your sexual issues, how is the rest of your marriage? Is it 'normal'? Does he help round the house, play with/look after your daughter etc?

There are many many people who have divorced with young children...sure its not nice but neither is it the end of the world.

You are 28...you could easily start a new life with another man, still have a couple of children with him and be very happy for the rest of your life.

My children are now 12 and 15....and I am nudging 50. Met my wife 25 years ago...looking back, we really werent compatible but 'settled'. I am now full of resentment towards her and can't wait to follow my children out the door when they move out. I'll be in my mid 50's by then....probably have ED, incontinence etc by then!!!...who would want me? 

So....please, whilst age is on your side, pack up and go. Don't end up a bitter, twisted and resentful old ****** like me!


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Sexless-

at some point, the pendulum shifts and separate homes seems like a healthier environment for children.... Are you there yet Sexless?

Most of us in a sexless marriage are there. We know in our heart that we are all setting a bad example on what a loving marriage is all about..Yet we stay... Makes no sense.....for now, my wife and I just tolerate each other. 

I had a b-day recently and sex wasn't part of that....I didn't get angry... I no longer care...I worked all day and some friends gave some gifts, birthday cupcakes (gourmet cupcakes) and sang Happy birthday to me... I am 47 and a grown man...Almost brought me to tears.... I am developing friends now and I no longer need my wife for a friend. 

I took my wife and daughter out to dinner with the gift from a friend and dinner was pleasant. We laughed and smiled with our daughter....Great birthday overall. My wife had very little to do with it...she was just there...

P.S.

We have 22 years together... You don't have to wait that long ....


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## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

Trickster said:


> Sexless-
> 
> at some point, the pendulum shifts and separate homes seems like a healthier environment for children.... Are you there yet Sexless?
> 
> ...


ugh. I'm embarrassed to say that I know exactly what you mean about this being a bad marriage. I know the lack of that kind of intimacy and the disconnect we have is a terrible example for my dauhghter.

My advice to the original poster is to be better than me. Be better than trickster. Make a move now rather than later.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

Trickster said:


> I had a b-day recently and sex wasn't part of that....I didn't get angry... I no longer care..


One thing that puzzles me. If a woman just does not want to have sex with her husband anymore, and his birthday is coming up, why not just arrange for a nice hot hooker to come over after the kids are in bed, and give him a nice gift THAT way.:rofl:


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

sexlessmarriage28 said:


> Wow thank you guys for your replies.
> 
> There is so much , I don't even know where to begin. He is 41 6'2 235 lbs. A bit overweight but not obese and as far as I know he has no health problems.
> 
> ...


First, don't be too sure about his lack of health problems. He could have erectile dysfunction yet still be able to masturbate, however he doesn't want you to see his ED. You can rule out health problems with a full physical.

Second, don't be too sure about cheating. You know about his passwords for email accounts that you know about, not ones you don't know about. And as far as only being at home or at work, what about on his way to/from work? Lunch time?

Finally, did you consider the "gay gene"? There are arguments that being gay is genetic and that it is environmental. Just thinking that your husband may have doubled down on his chances.


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## sexlessmarriage28 (Jul 16, 2014)

Hi Askari, 

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. You wrote "So....please, whilst age is on your side, pack up and go. Don't end up a bitter, twisted and resentful old ****** like me!". 

Askari first of all 50 is NOT OLD ... You can still make a life for yourself. My mother in law who is turning 63 this year went through a 20 year marriage with a gay man. She chose not to let herself go after the divorce and focused on her life. She has been with her partner for 6 years and he recently proposed to her. I know many other stories about love after 50. 

I am getting the hell out of this marriage not on a "grass is greener" notion but for my own sanity. Hope you do the same =)


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

BostonBruins32 said:


> ugh. I'm embarrassed to say that I know exactly what you mean about this being a bad marriage. I know the lack of that kind of intimacy and the disconnect we have is a terrible example for my dauhghter.
> 
> My advice to the original poster is to be better than me. Be better than trickster. Make a move now rather than later.


We have to weigh what is better for everybody involved... We know we shouldn't stay married for our kids. We hear that all the time. We know parents have to be the best role model we know how to be, we all know we should leave a dysfunctional marriage. 

We just fail to know when a marriage become too toxic. We all (the ones in a sexless/lovelesss marriage) seem to have so much hope that it will improve. That's our first mistake. Every minor improvements is just a short term fix. That pendulum goes back and fourth between good and bad then over time from bad to worse. By then we are so far off course there is no way to navigate our direction. 

When do we jump ship? Many of us go down with the ship... That's our fault....

We just don't know or believe our children's life would be better after a Divorce...


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## sexlessmarriage28 (Jul 16, 2014)

Chris Taylor, 

I have entertained the idea of him being gay, and have asked him many times about his sexuality. His reply has always been the same "If I was gay , I would have no problem being gay". So that's that I guess. 

As far as not ruling out health issues, I guess you are right although he is getting a full physical sometime next month. We shall see even though I highly doubt he has any medical problems.

Affair wise I did state that I am not 100%. Is is possible? Heck yea , although it's not something that I dwell on. Honestly if he was having an affair it would make my life so much easier. Not to mention I would kill him in divorce court. I would destroy him and with great, great great pleasure. 

I honestly do not want to save this or even try anymore. I just want it to be over.


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## sexlessmarriage28 (Jul 16, 2014)

Hi Trick,

I am sorry about your B-day. My husband and I have gone through holidays, B-day's, graduations, with no celebration sex either. Matter of fact we haven't had PIV this year , I actually can't remember the last time we did. It was probably a terrible 5 mins that's besides the point.
After a while you get used to it. We adapt even though it's no way to live. We have a lot to offer and I plan on focusing on myself. I have scheduled an appointment with a therapist, I plan on investing on my mental health. Being in sexless marriages are tough I honestly think the physical hurt is nothing compared with the toll it takes on physiologically. It is very damaging. I won't let this marriage ruin me.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Married for 3 years, your daughter is almost 3? Were you pregnant when you got married? If so, is this marriage something he seriously wanted or something he felt obligated to do? He's obviously interested in sex, just not with you or just not with a live human. Could be major resentment on his part directed at you, could be major performance anxiety on his part due. Sounds like he prefers fantasy sex to the real thing. Could he be intimate with you while getting himself off or does he have to think about another woman to be aroused? If he could make out with you while rubbing one out or having you do it for him, I'd guess his problems are performance related. If he has to imagine another woman, I'd be inclined to suspect he just has a major resentment problem with you.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Honestly, a 41 year old guy with a fit 28 year old wife should be :

1) On you for sex like white on rice

2) Not whacking it to porn

This is a him problem. If you didn't have a child I would say bail ASAP, which you still might have to do.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

I'm sorry OP, but it takes 2 to tango.

So what have YOU done to initiate sex/show affection with your husband past 8 months????


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## sexlessmarriage28 (Jul 16, 2014)

DoF, 

Yes during the course of 8 months I have initiated many many many times. There comes a time when you resent the rejection so much, that you just stop initiating. Now at this point I really can't imagine having any type of sexual encounter with him.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

sexlessmarriage28 said:


> DoF,
> 
> Yes during the course of 8 months I have initiated many many many times. There comes a time when you resent the rejection so much, that you just stop initiating. Now at this point I really can't imagine having any type of sexual encounter with him.


You need to get at WHY he's wanking to porn rather than screwing his hot young wife.

And, call me crazy, but I get the sense you know why already. What is it?


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## pinotnoir (Jul 13, 2013)

That is exactly how I feel with my wife. Why bother? I totally ge it.



sexlessmarriage28 said:


> DoF,
> 
> There comes a time when you resent the rejection so much, that you just stop initiating. Now at this point I really can't imagine having any type of sexual encounter with him.


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