# Separation? I need help and fast!



## Awakeat43 (May 18, 2013)

Hello I really need some help here. I have been married for 17 years, have 3 teenagers and am miserable in my marriage and have been for a long time. We have become very disconnected. We have no common interests. We fight over pretty much anything. We do not see eye to eye. We live a good lifestyle. But I have come to a point where I don't care anymore about the lifestyle. I am so miserable. He is not nice to me. Calls me names, fat, a_ _ hole etc. never helps around the house cause he feels that because he makes more money than me and works some overtime that I should do it all. I work full time and have 3 kids to take to all their extra activities as he NEVER does. He does not go to watch them play their sports or whatever it is they are in, unless I force him. I don't do that anymore. He has left everything up to me for 17 years, but when I make a decision, ask him to get involved, he won't, then if he doesn't like the decision, I never stop hearing about it. 
He's prejudice and rubs it off on my kids. He's mean to the dog and a few times he has even pushed or shoved 2 of the kids. He does not praise them, he criticizes everything they do. 
The list could go on and on. I am not perfect, but I do almost everything for him, my kids, etc. 
I have come to really not love him anymore. This has been intense like this for me for over 2 years. We even go on these great vacations every year with the kids, a couple without kids, and he is miserable and ruins them every time. 
Now, I have met an old school mate and we talked one night for a long time. I pretty much spilled my guts to him. He admitted to me that way back in school he had a crush on me. We have been texting for 2 weeks but nothing is happening and nor would I let it. I don't want to be the adulterer. Do I want this guy, yes. Do I want to hurt people, no. 
So if this the push I needed?
We have been to marriage counseling and it was pretty much like kids talking. When asked to name 3 things we love about each other, he named one, I had nothing. 
I spoke to him this week and told him I didn't know what I wanted out of life and our marriage anymore. Told him I needed a week to myself to think. From there he has told me he is going to quit his good job if I leave, he has written me letters on how much he loves me and wants to stay together, he can't live without me etc. but the night before told me when I asked him, that he has never trusted me. I am not the one over the last 17 years that has been suspected of cheating twice and flirts with every woman on the planet. I am home, at work or with my kids most of the time
I need help! 
Thanks


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

Okay, first thing is first. You DO NOT fix your current problems by adding another....that old school mate of yours. Do yourself the favor and cut ties completely with him. DO NOT also take your one week off, because the temptation will be strong to make contact with this guy and trust me, you will get into trouble. He will pay attention to you, make you feel good, and since you are vulnerable, may do something stupid.

Now it seems like you somewhat woke your husband up. He is writing you letters now and is scared to lose you. I suggest you continue to go to counseling and work things out. Along the way in your marriage, he lost the idea of what it was to be a good husband. Let him realize now what it means. 

You make it sound like your teenage children are from another relationship. Is your husband the biological father? There may be some issues there if he isn't but nothing probably that cannot be solved.


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## Awakeat43 (May 18, 2013)

Alpha said:


> Okay, first thing is first. You DO NOT fix your current problems by adding another....that old school mate of yours. Do yourself the favor and cut ties completely with him. DO NOT also take your one week off, because the temptation will be strong to make contact with this guy and trust me, you will get into trouble. He will pay attention to you, make you feel good, and since you are vulnerable, may do something stupid.
> 
> Now it seems like you somewhat woke your husband up. He is writing you letters now and is scared to lose you. I suggest you continue to go to counseling and work things out. Along the way in your marriage, he lost the idea of what it was to be a good husband. Let him realize now what it means.
> 
> You make it sound like your teenage children are from another relationship. Is your husband the biological father? There may be some issues there if he isn't but nothing probably that cannot be solved.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Awakeat43 (May 18, 2013)

Yes they are all his kids! And I have cut the ties or should I say texts with this guy. But what about the saying too little too late? We have been over this so many times in our marriage and I just keep putting it aside. Now that he finally sees I'm serious and he may lose everything, he wants to wake up! What if all I had for him is gone? Then what? Live in misery. I don't know what the right answer is 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

Let him prove it to you and win you back. You now have his attention and make sure you never lose it. At one point in your marriage you were both in love, work on finding that again. It can be done if you BOTH try. 

The other thing I would suggest, is to change your eating habits and go to the gym if you are overweight. I do not know how you look or how much you weight, but have you ever thought of trying to look sexy for your husband? If you were a hot wife walking around the house, there is no way he would resist you. 

Looks like the cards are in your favor now and the ball is in your court. Tell your husband you are giving him one chance to become a real husband and if he forgets that, you will feel no remorse leaving him. Put an internal deadline yourself, but be very open to his effort. He might make some immediate changes but can he keep it up? Give him the benefit of the doubt.

And I'll rub it in again, please make sure you cut it off with the old schoolmate permanently.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

DANG, another man, nothing will give you more desire to NOT make things happen like another man telling you exactly what you want to hear. Did you spill your guts to your husband they way you did with your old friend? I totally understand it falls on deaf ears, but he still needs to hear it himself.

What did you do this time that woke him up? He finally realizes he's been wrong, sounds like he's fighting depression. I absolutely hate seeing people throw it all away just when it gets to a point that FINALLY this issues are being addressed. Its a very sad common tale here on TAM.

Its not gone, btw, just buried deep in resentment, it can be found again.


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## 4thand11 (May 20, 2013)

I know this sounds trite but I can't imagine staying with a man who is mean to the dog! Honestly as an animal lover that would be very close to a deal-breaker for me.

It seems pretty clear from your post that you don't love him or even like him particularly. It is hard to know how much of that is the fog of the exciting new flirtation talking. I think the flirtation gives you the sense of what possibilities are out there and so that is very exciting... but as others have said I think you need to separate that from your feelings about your husband. 

Imagine that if you left him you would be alone, no new man in your life at all. Are you OK with that? Perhaps you would eventually find someone new but it may take years. I personally think being alone is preferable to being with someone who is mean to you, the kids, and the dog... however you need to be sure you are not just giddy over this recent flirtation and are willing to accept the reality of what life will be like post-divorce etc.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Only you know if it is time to end the relationship, but I will offer you this. End this relationship, before you start another one. The OM states that he had feelings for you in HS or whatever. However, this is a fantasy, he had feelings for a girl and you are no longer that person. You have had a whole different life in the mean time and cannot go back in time. After this relationship is final, then by all means look for someone to be your future.


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## Awakeat43 (May 18, 2013)

Alpha said:


> Let him prove it to you and win you back. You now have his attention and make sure you never lose it. At one point in your marriage you were both in love, work on finding that again. It can be done if you BOTH try.
> 
> The other thing I would suggest, is to change your eating habits and go to the gym if you are overweight. I do not know how you look or how much you weight, but have you ever thought of trying to look sexy for your husband? If you were a hot wife walking around the house, there is no way he would resist you.
> 
> ...



Lose weight, really r u kidding me. I am not obese I may have an extra 15 lbs on. And if that is the only reason he acts the way he does then I don't think I need him there. It's not like he doesn't have a few pounds on either. It's about whether in my heart I love this man or not. There has been alot of things said and done and its hard to regain respect or love when there's been too much hurt. Thanks for your thoughts but I think u could have omitted the weight thing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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