# Separated - Wife walked out with my 4 yo son



## Lioncub4 (Jun 4, 2014)

I've been reading a lot of the threads here and, until now, not wanting to post my experience (not wanting to air my dirty laundry in public, so to speak). But now I find myself at a crossroads in life and any input would be very much appreciated.

Background story goes like this. Been with wife for 6 years, married 4 years and we have a 4 year old son. I am originally from Scotland and now living in USA - my wife is American. We met online through Second Life (some may be familiar with this "game" - for want of a better word for it). Our relationship grew online, then me vacationing in the states, her moving to Scotland for 6 months (in Sept 2008), me proposing, her falling pregnant, to me moving over permanently (Dec 2009) 4 years ago and us marrying.

During her stay in Scotland (it was early on in the relationship Oct 2008), I discovered she was having an EA through Second Life. I was devastated due to the lies and deceit she brought to the relationship. However, I forgave her (mistake #1) and rebuilt my trust in her such that I proposed Dec 2008).

Forward a little to the past few months. I have been working particularly long hours during the week and she has been staying home looking after our son (she does work weekends). Needless to say I have been exhausted when I come home from work and our married life had deteriorated to the point that sex was very infrequent and the intimacy had all but evaporated - not because I didn't want to, just that I was too darn tired to do anything! Warning signals were sent by my wife that the intimacy was lacking, but I ignored them (mistake #2).

Fast forward to April 2014. We had a huge argument that lasted a couple of days (the cause isn't important - I can't even remember what it was about). The upshot was she announced she was leaving with our son, and going to live with her dad (who lives about 10 mins drive from us). I was devastated by this blindsided announcement. After about 2 weeks, she emailed me saying she wanted to return and we should try to R. I agreed and things were great - our sex life returned with a bang and I really felt we survived a glitch in our relationship.

A couple of weeks of R, then one Saturday she was at work and I was innocently searching on her computer for something when I came across a profile on Second Life. This female was very much in love with a guy in both SL and in real life. This got me intrigued and lo and behold, the login to SL on my wife's PC was this same female. 6 years of hard work came back to haunt me and I IM'd my wife while she was at work. She instantly denied it was her, saying it was a friend she was helping. After discussing it with her, I did some snooping and there were too many coincidences on THAT profile - I believed the profile was that of my wife. When she came home, I tried to keep calm but I couldn't contain myself and continued to ask questions. Long shot was she announced she was going back to her dad's (with son in tow).

Brings me to today. She is still at her dad's. I have my son from Friday after work to Sunday afternoon (when she finishes her work). I also see him Wednesdays when I am off work (sometimes I pick him up on Tues after my work). I have tried the 180 to get myself through this and I have convinced myself there is no way I could ever trust her again - through the EA or by walking out on the marriage. We have also drafted an informal separation letter and notarized, spelling out the custody and financial arrangements we have agreed to. My crossroads is this - while she is still my wife and mother to my son, plus the hard work we have put into the relationship, I really can't see this working due to the trust issues I have. I haven't had any IC (she is though) although I have discovered a long lost faith through church which is helping.

Any help/advice would be greatly appreciated.


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## Bluebirdie (Apr 26, 2014)

LC, I am sorry about the situation you are going through. It seems that her regret wasnt honest and on top of that she is taking the steps that are leading to a longer separation or D. 

You forgave her, it was not a mistake, your side of the street is clean. You tried. I know this pain is hard to deal with and mostly when little children are involved. But you will get better each day, week, month, trust me. There will be less moments of anxiety and memories. Just try to be as calm as you can be and think/breath before you speak to her cause there will be moments when you would just want to throw something at her verbally or physically. 

Crying is good for our soul too, it releases anxiety.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

help regarding what exactly?

I mean realtionship advice focused, is seems obvious that she is not healthy for you, she keep looking for ways to engage in her EA's for the thrill of being sweet talked online.

regarding your son, it seems that you have not as bad as others whose WW want sole custody of the kid, so probably she will agree to a 50%-50% shared custody agreement.

that is why I ask


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## Lioncub4 (Jun 4, 2014)

Thanks guys for your replies

manticore - maybe it's not help I'm asking for, more I'm asking others for their experiences if similar to mine, so that I can learn something, make my choices (if I have any left!). And maybe 50/50 custody of my son IS better than some - still doesn't retract how much this is hurting!

Bluebirdie - thanks for your kind words - they mean a lot. Yes, each day I AM getting stronger and I'm managing to distance myself emotionally from her. Time is a healer, and this case is no exception! Oh, and there's been enough tears this side to fill a swimming pool!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

At this point you are doing what you can do. Just take it one day at a time until you feel much stronger. There is no need to make any big decisions right now.

There is a book that I think will help you: "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley.


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## Lioncub4 (Jun 4, 2014)

Ele - yes, each day I feel I am getting stronger and I'm reliving the good memories less and less. Thanks for your tip regarding the book - will give it a go. As far as the second EA a month ago I accused her of, she is still denying it was her - even after we split and she more or less threw the towel in! I'm not sure why she would continue to deny this. Regardless, my trust in her is at an all time low and even if she wanted to R and try make this work, I'm not sure I would be as willing!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lioncub4 said:


> Ele - yes, each day I feel I am getting stronger and I'm reliving the good memories less and less. Thanks for your tip regarding the book - will give it a go. As far as the second EA a month ago I accused her of, she is still denying it was her - even after we split and she more or less threw the towel in! I'm not sure why she would continue to deny this. Regardless, my trust in her is at an all time low and even if she wanted to R and try make this work, I'm not sure I would be as willing!


I would not trust your wife either at this point. Until she is willing to come completely clean about what she's been up to, she has done nothing to earn back your trust.

.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

you are right, I apologize for my initial approach, just because there are worst cases out there it does not mean that your world is not crashing.

Reconcilation at this point should be out of question, she is giving priority to this game (and the relationships she build on it) over your marriage.

the fact that she decided to leave have to make you wonder if she is actually in physical contact with the guy and is looking for an opportunity to get together.

If i were you I would take this opprtunity to keep digging in the computer, phone records, social media to see if you found evidence of she contacting this/these guy/s by other means (FB, twitter, email, phone, etc).

also is impòrtant to have a support group to not fall in to depression thinking all the day in your WAW, the days you are not with your son, go out with friends, reconnect with old buddies, join a social group and find a hobby, join a gym and left your strees and anger there.

also begin to look for legal advice, whatever happens is better to be informed what your options legaly speaking are so you can act on them.

Buy a VAR and record all your communications with her, right now she is amicable but you don't know what the future holds, she my change her mind and try to get sole custody, and the first thing they do is accuse the father of being abussive and violent to get restraining orders.

also follow the 180 manual, you need to detach form her.

you have to be aware that she is probably dirtying your name to her family and friends to look like the victim of a insecure controlling guy.


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## Lioncub4 (Jun 4, 2014)

manticore said:


> the fact that she decided to leave have to make you wonder if she is actually in physical contact with the guy and is looking for an opportunity to get together.


This is what is lurking at the back of my mind too. But emotionally I have managed to distance myself from her to the point that I want out of the marriage, so who cares if it is physical or not (or if it becomes physical in the future).



manticore said:


> If i were you I would take this opprtunity to keep digging in the computer, phone records, social media to see if you found evidence of she contacting this/these guy/s by other means (FB, twitter, email, phone, etc).


Funny thing is, there are numerous FB accounts in her name - she uses some for digi-scrapbooking. I wonder if one of them is a secret account for this guy? No way to check now - her PC is at her dad's as is her phone.



manticore said:


> also begin to look for legal advice, whatever happens is better to be informed what your options legaly speaking are so you can act on them.
> 
> Buy a VAR and record all your communications with her, right now she is amicable but you don't know what the future holds, she my change her mind and try to get sole custody, and the first thing they do is accuse the father of being abussive and violent to get restraining orders.


This is the best piece of advice I have had. I've been putting off talking with a lawyer due to work commitments and having my boy on my days off. I will schedule an appointment in the next week or so with a lawyer to find out my legal rights.

Many thanks to everyone so far for your inputs - they are greatly appreciated.


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