# Reactions of the OW



## HealthyMe (Jul 2, 2012)

My WH recently ended things with the OW by phone. The no contact letter will be coming next. The OW called my WH yesterday at work and issued an oblique threat if he does not divorce me and leave his family. (No caller ID on office phone, so he took the call.)

He has presumably told me everything of the affair, but perhaps the OW's intent is to call me with a data dump. From other people's experiences, what else might we expect? We have 2 kids we would like to protect from this crisis. Might be helpful to have an action plan in place for different scenarios.

Much thanks...

P.S. Is a no contact letter the best route to take with someone on the edge?


----------



## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

What kind of threat? Phone the police and press charges.


----------



## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

reminds me of fatal attraction.i think bunny boiler is the term i've seen used in regard to these people.

if she's just threatening him w giving you more information then i don't think police will be interested.
i think the no contact letter is the first and best step.from there change your numbers and emails if you have to.

the ow always seemed so angry at me.as though i was in the wrong somehow.never directed any anger at the man of course.


----------



## HealthyMe (Jul 2, 2012)

Her threat was pretty vague, something like, "If you don't leave your wife, then I'm going to make your life h_ll". We blocked her number on our cell phones, but there is no way to do so for his work number.


----------



## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

HealthyMe said:


> Her threat was pretty vague, something like, "If you don't leave your wife, then I'm going to make your life h_ll". We blocked her number on our cell phones, but there is no way to do so for his work number.


that's so pathetic! why would anyone even want a man who obviously doesn't want them in return?!

yes,she can go ahead and try to make your life h*ll and find herself slapped with a restraining order.


----------



## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Is she married?


----------



## HealthyMe (Jul 2, 2012)

She is in the process of divorcing her husband. The wheels were set in motion on her divorce before she ever met my husband, so it was not the affair that prompted her to end her marriage. In fact, the EA stage of the affair started with her sharing her woes with my husband. My husband is completely to blame for engaging in an affair with this woman, but I believe this was her bait.


----------



## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

We had a loony OW too. Unfotunately, my husband was so blinded by lust that he kept going back to her (text/email) even after she made threats. I called the sherriff to our home, had WH make a phone call to her (went to VM), sherriff got it all on tape and said that if she violated the request to stay away from our family they could press charges (and she was in another state)...that went all null and void after WH contacted her again. She stalked my FB page, posted on family pages, left a very detailed message on machine before we got phone numbers changed, sent him texts and emails that he would not get out of this unscathed, etc. I never responded to her, WH FINALLY had an aha moment and cut contact 4 months ago (he was supposed to divorce me too and she would move out here 6 months later). She was PO'd. We have not heard from her since but she did try once to friend a relative on FB and they blocked her. We got an alarm installed (he obviously was not worried still being in contact with her) too. If you can record a call or get an email, you can take it to the police. Until then, just wait and keep an eye on your children. I walked my oldest too and from school the rest of the year and we live right across the street. I still won't allow her to get mail from the mailbox.


----------



## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

I'm pretty sure harassing phone calls are against the law; contact the phone company.

Wow, OW, way to get what you want...threatening the guy! What a peach she must be.


----------



## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

BunnyBoilers sigh


----------



## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

First, I don't understand the whole infidelity thing. What I really don't get is why would a WS want to keep going back to someone who is obviously mentally disturbed and who has threatened them and their family- two peas in a pod during an affair I guess - you would have to be messed up to some extent to have one anyway, right? The fog?.. more like a coma or a puppet and someone pulling your strings.


----------



## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Its addiction, heroin ****s your brain but that doesn't stop people from injecting **** loads of it


----------



## HealthyMe (Jul 2, 2012)

Well, let's face it, my WH lied to the OW, too. I can understand her going apesht, b/c I had a few moments like that myself. In some ways I feel sorry for her. Somebody slap me.


----------



## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Oh - I get that - WH lied to her too - and she lied to him - and she wanted a baby, and he, well, can't have anymore....and she told him how nothing would be different, just he wouldn't be marrried to me anymore - and that is not different HOW? And she said he had to hurry up and get a divorce so she could move out of her BFs house and into a house around the corner with him from his future EW and kids (for real - she said that - read it in an email)...guess what - she is still with him, her live in BF of 5 years - never left. She is a parasite of the worst kind...yet he could not see it. Maybe that is why I can't wrap my head around it - it is so ridiculous, if it was just a movie and not my life, it might be funny. Betrayers lie to EVERYONE - spouse, kids, parents, friends, and their affair partner. I don't feel sorry for the OW - I want to kick her *$$.


----------



## LittleMiss13 (Mar 7, 2012)

My son, who was the one that found out about the affair first, actually sent her a text message the night that their affair was exposed, asking her to leave his father alone. She agreed to never contact him again. A few days later, my husband gave me a copy of the "no contact" letter that he sent to her. To his credit, I never asked him to do this so this was the first sign to me that he wanted our marriage to work. She replied back to him asking if they could just talk. She even went as far as telling him that she would leave her five kids for him. He never responded to her email. Finally, about 3 weeks later, while driving to work, his cell phone rang. He picked it up thinking it was me and it was the OW. She had asked him, "If he hated her?" His response to her was "no, he didn't hate her" and hung up. He called me right after this and told me what happened. That night, I finally confronted her by sending her a one page email letting her know how much their affair had hurt our family, and that my husband wanted to save his family and our marriage. I ended it with the following words "our family is asking that you please leave us alone once and for all; that my children and I have suffered enough." We never heard from her again.


----------



## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

I also had the pleasure of dealing with a Bunny Boiler.

In a nutshell...

H told OW he was leaving me, told me he wanted a D, then changed his mind the next day and told OW that he decided to stay in the M. She threatened to tell me about the A. He backed off. Rinse and repeat this cycle about 3-4 times over the course of about 3 months. 

Then he tried avoiding her calls and texts and she began calling our house and hanging up. He made it clear the A was done, he was not leaving his M ever, he did not love her and that's when she went really nuts. Crying, screaming, begging, making threats to hurt me, destroy his marriage. She called him and texted him daily for hours. He tried to talk her down but she wouldn't listen so he finally resorted to calling her a crazy disgusting wh0re in the hope she would get angry and go away. He had no idea how desperate she was because then she called our home and all hell broke loose.

Even after D-day, she kept up the insane texts for a couple days claiming she was a mess (yeah, we know). It was ridiculous. She sent text to landline messages to our home phone whining about how it was unfair to her. She called our home knowing our children were home over and over every 5 minutes. MY H screamed at her to stop calling, that it was over and she was done. That's when she began to text that it wasn't what he really wanted and that she was going to die without him. He texted back that his his daughters were not speaking to him so he couldn't care less what happened to her.

She kept calling.

He sent her a very nasty NC letter telling her to never contact him again. A week later, she contacted him AGAIN by text asking if they could PLEASE talk about it. MORE BEGGING. He again said it was over and to stop contacting him.

She resorted to harassing me. 

I emailed her and told her she was embarrassing herself and that my husband did not want her. And that calling our home with our children present was disgusting behaviour. I told her to never contact anyone in our family again.

She began emailing me articles about kids and divorce.

My husband sent her a Cease & Desist via registered mail. She hasn't contacted my husband since but still stalks my personal website. I have her IP.

Bunny Boilers are the lowest most desperate form of AP but at least if your spouse goes back to a bunny boiler, you know he/she is a completely insane dysfunctional wingnut and you're better off without him/her.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

While there're out there real bunny boilers that "living hell" or "ruin our lofe" are most times just bull****.

Be careful to add at the of the letter something along this line:
_Should you choose to violate the conditions of this notice I will immediately contact the local law enforcement agency with appropriate jurisdiction and pursue criminal charges against you as appropriate._


----------



## HealthyMe (Jul 2, 2012)

Regarding the above recommendation for the no contact letter, we were thinking about something a little less inflamatory. Maybe something along these lines - "Affairs are a no win situation. They cause pain for everyone involved. We are going to put all of our energy into rebuilding our family. We will not be contacting you, and we ask that you not contact us in any way." Of course, we could add the sentence that Acabado suggested, but I'm worried that would set her off. Any thoughts?


----------



## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

My thoughts are you're being waaaaaay too nice to her.Actually feeling sorry for her? Are you going for sainthood darlin?

My aggressive side says hit her with the most harsh,final,get your skank a$$ away from my family letter you can type.

My practical side says be professional,to the point,and avoid things that will make her crazy come out.


----------



## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

HealthyMe said:


> Regarding the above recommendation for the no contact letter, we were thinking about something a little less inflamatory. Maybe something along these lines - "Affairs are a no win situation. They cause pain for everyone involved. We are going to put all of our energy into rebuilding our family. We will not be contacting you, and we ask that you not contact us in any way." Of course, we could add the sentence that Acabado suggested, but I'm worried that would set her off. Any thoughts?


"set her off" to do what exactly? Break the law? If so, then Acabado's comment is highly appropriate and she will then be duly warned. I wouldn't worry about "setting her off". She is a nobody in your marriage and anything she acts upon will result in criminal charges against her. Does she really want to "go there"?


----------



## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

HealthyMe said:


> Regarding the above recommendation for the no contact letter, we were thinking about something a little less inflamatory. Maybe something along these lines - "Affairs are a no win situation. They cause pain for everyone involved. We are going to put all of our energy into rebuilding our family. We will not be contacting you, and we ask that you not contact us in any way." Of course, we could add the sentence that Acabado suggested, but I'm worried that would set her off. Any thoughts?



You need to make it clear that if she contacts you again, you will pursue further legal recourse. The OW in our case was VERY unstable. She thought she was owed. She thought she could convince my H to be with her even after she hurt our children and even after she was told she had traumatized them so if that's not insane, I don't know what is...

Informing her that there would be legal problems for her if she continued to harass us is what finally stopped her emails, texts and phone calls. Yes, she still lurks on my work related website but she hasn't attempted contact again. It's been 7.5 months.

You need to be firm with these types of AP's. Do you want to worry about her popping up a year from now and triggering you?


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

HealthyMe said:


> Regarding the above recommendation for the no contact letter, we were thinking about something a little less inflamatory. Maybe something along these lines - "Affairs are a no win situation. They cause pain for everyone involved. We are going to put all of our energy into rebuilding our family. We will not be contacting you, and we ask that you not contact us in any way." Of course, we could add the sentence that Acabado suggested, but I'm worried that would set her off. Any thoughts?


I see no reasons why you should spare the OWs feelings and worry about setting her off. If anything, going soft on the NC letter actually gives her hope. The tone of the letter should be blunt and straightforward, complete with consequences should she continue her behavior. Do you think ROs/POs are worded in a touchy feely way? Nope.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

How old are your kids?


----------



## HealthyMe (Jul 2, 2012)

My original post was about hearing what others have experienced from upset affair partners. Only a few responded with their stories, but what I gather is that we might expect phonecalls, hangups, txts, etc. What I worry about the most is for the OW to show up at our house and make a scene in front of our kids. I know it would be a terrible trigger for me, but am most worried about our kids. I suppose phonecalls and hangups could be just as traumatizing, though.

As for me being too nice - I called the OW recently to talk about the affair. I just wanted to blow the secrecy apart. I was for the most part calm and civil, but I did tell her that not only was I angry, but also disgusted with her behavior (and my husband's). I said my piece - that it is never OK to have an affair. And then I called her a c%nt.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

How old are your kids?


----------



## HealthyMe (Jul 2, 2012)

Lordmayhem - what is a PO?


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

HealthyMe said:


> Lordmayhem - what is a PO?


Protection Order (PO). In some jurisdictions, they are used instead of an RO.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

HealthyMe said:


> As for me being too nice - I called the OW recently to talk about the affair. I just wanted to blow the secrecy apart. I was for the most part calm and civil, but I did tell her that not only was I angry, but also disgusted with her behavior (and my husband's). I said my piece - that it is never OK to have an affair. And then I called her a c%nt.


What ever you do, do not call her anymore. She can use that to get a PO/RO on you for telephone harassment.


----------



## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

I kind of wish the OW would have turned freaky so my WS would stop feeling sorry for her......she did send a few freaked out chat messages to him....which only made him want to protect her and make her feel better..... that was a pisser. He was so concerned about her mental state yet the woman he married was dying inside and he couldn't be bothered to send out a search party for me. 

*sigh* that damn fog state of mind is unreal---nothing worse than watching your husband mourn and pine and want to heal someone he only knew a month or so and through a computer screen ....torture.


----------



## HealthyMe (Jul 2, 2012)

Thanks all for your replies. So far so good on our end after OW's threat...but it's only been a week. Lordmayhem - I had not planned on contacting the OW a 2nd time. Your are right, though - I would not want to end up being the bad one in all of this mess.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

LookingForTheSun said:


> We had a loony OW too. Unfotunately, my husband was so blinded by lust that he kept going back to her (text/email) even after she made threats. I called the sherriff to our home, had WH make a phone call to her (went to VM), sherriff got it all on tape and said that if she violated the request to stay away from our family they could press charges (and she was in another state)...that went all null and void after WH contacted her again. *She stalked my FB page,* posted on family pages, left a very detailed message on machine before we got phone numbers changed, sent him texts and emails that he would not get out of this unscathed, etc. I never responded to her, WH FINALLY had an aha moment and cut contact 4 months ago (he was supposed to divorce me too and she would move out here 6 months later). She was PO'd. We have not heard from her since but she did try once to friend a relative on FB and they blocked her. We got an alarm installed (he obviously was not worried still being in contact with her) too. If you can record a call or get an email, you can take it to the police. Until then, just wait and keep an eye on your children. I walked my oldest too and from school the rest of the year and we live right across the street. I still won't allow her to get mail from the mailbox.


Just out of curiosity, since I still take a peak at the public pages of my fiance's EA's FB wall, how can you tell whether someone is looking at your FB pages/ wall.


----------



## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

LittleMiss13 said:


> My son, who was the one that found out about the affair first, actually sent her a text message the night that their affair was exposed, asking her to leave his father alone. She agreed to never contact him again. A few days later, my husband gave me a copy of the "no contact" letter that he sent to her. To his credit, I never asked him to do this so this was the first sign to me that he wanted our marriage to work. She replied back to him asking if they could just talk. *She even went as far as telling him that she would leave her five kids for him.* He never responded to her email. Finally, about 3 weeks later, while driving to work, his cell phone rang. He picked it up thinking it was me and it was the OW. She had asked him, "If he hated her?" His response to her was "no, he didn't hate her" and hung up. He called me right after this and told me what happened. That night, I finally confronted her by sending her a one page email letting her know how much their affair had hurt our family, and that my husband wanted to save his family and our marriage. I ended it with the following words "our family is asking that you please leave us alone once and for all; that my children and I have suffered enough." We never heard from her again.




OMG........What is wrong with these looser? She is really insane.


----------



## danie12 (May 30, 2012)

The way I see it is that he brought her into your life and he needs to get her out of your life. My H had an affair a long time ago, she went a bit nutty. Whatever she may have said to him, threats whatever wasn’t my concern, it was his…my concern was whatever she said to me…which was alcohol fueled bull****. She’s a coward and would never say anything to my face. She crossed the line with me when she brought my children into her bull**** verbal harassment. I went a bit nutter at that moment…I could only call her on the phone…I nearly jumped in my car and went to her house, but my husband stopped me. 

My husband’s main concern at that time was being the man I needed him to be. He needed to handle his mess and make me want to stay with him. Those are two very big things that he dealt with, very well I must say. The only thing I ever said to him regarding her harassment was for him to not respond to her in anyway. Not to retaliate, not to call her up yelling, give her NOTHING…let her starve. This one was and is always looking for attention. The only reason she would call would be to get that attention. The only way she would leave us alone would be to get no attention…she had to go find another ‘obsession’ to focus her crazy on. Good riddance to her. 

What to expect from her? Who knows…I couldn’t guess…but from my experience the xow called our home and hung up, she left him voice messages, she called his work, she did vandalism’s around our home (couldn’t prove it was her), she called me at work, she called his parents home, she was just a big pain in the neck.


----------



## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Next TimeAround - you can't see who is checking out your page. I know she was stalking me because my husband told me. She even got mad when I posted a picture of him (in uniform) and me on Veterans Day. She told him it made her sick. That was even before their PA happened and they had only been talking about 5 weeks. She also tried contacting me through work email and LinkedIn and even texted info about me she googled on the internet to my husband - my work, my degree.....I also googled her and found that she had an arrest last year for illegal possession of prescription drugs...and has no job...what a winner. Guess if you flash your T&A enough, someone will take the bait. Wish it happened to someone else with no wife and kids.


----------



## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Hmmm...I'm not too sure about that...I've heard that if someone is viewing your page, they will show up in your friend suggestions on FB.

My H had a female (former) colleague that was sniffing around for a dinner date alone with Hubs...of course, I put the kibosh on it. But a day or two later, she showed up in my friend suggestions...we have no one/nothing in common. My H doesn't have FB. Also, a male coworker of his showed up there too, a month or so later....strange, no? But who really knows for sure, FB is a mystery...


----------



## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

If that is the case, I am sure that she has now seen our shared Facebook page with all of the recent family pics, our cruise pics, good things said and declarations of love to me and our girls by MY husband....when I first set it up, I did check her page to see if there was anything I should be worried about - to make sure she was staying 10 states away. Just thinking that kinda gives me the warm fuzzies.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

HealthyMe said:


> My WH recently ended things with the OW by phone. The no contact letter will be coming next. The OW called my WH yesterday at work and issued an oblique threat if he does not divorce me and leave his family. (No caller ID on office phone, so he took the call.)
> 
> He has presumably told me everything of the affair, but perhaps the OW's intent is to call me with a data dump. From other people's experiences, what else might we expect? We have 2 kids we would like to protect from this crisis. Might be helpful to have an action plan in place for different scenarios.
> 
> ...


Tell the Police about her threat, perhaps tell your employer about the threat.


----------

