# Counseling was a fiasco



## LovingKC (Jan 7, 2010)

I have been seeing a counselor and husband agreed to see the same counselor for marriage counseling. So he shows up 45 minutes late and the counselor said "I'm going to cut to the chase" Do you love him..."Yes" was my reply. She turned to him Do you love her "No" Are you in love with her "No" Do you want this relationship to work "No". I was just devasted that was the counseling session then he talked about why he can't or won't work at it. Never loved me...yada...yada...but he cried at our Wedding, when he proposed, when I was in the hospital on death's door. But after 11 years of marriage and two children he wants out. 

So I'm going though the grieving process, and don't know what my next emotion is going to be. But I do know I don't want a fight, he's already given lots of thought to the division of property, retirement, he's done his homework. Even still I Love Him. I don't believe in the concept of divorce but don't want him here if he doesn't want to be. 

But I'm getting mixed signals from him now. Who knows where this will lead. He talks to me in endearing terms...and I can't deal with it. I asked him when he was planning on leaving and all I get is I have no where to go and I thought maybe a few more months. He asked do you want me to leave and I replied I'm not sure. No I don't want him to leave. In my heart I would love to reconcile, but once again I realize I can't do this by myself. But my calmer head must prevail.

So I got the opinion of a mutual firend, male who stated that my counselor who has been divorced twice and doesn't have a man probably wasn't the best choice. Honestly I don't want to push the issue, but I'm not totally sure we have exhausted all options divorce is so final. I'm praying for guidance for God to reveal if this relationship is for us. He is in no hurry, so why ask for a divorce. 

Help!!1


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Sorry you are going though this. Are you sure he isn't seeing someone else? If he isn't in any hurry to move out, you may still have a chance. Perhaps even try another counselor (for individual counseling at first). Also, members of the clergy can be helpful. There are two books which you might find useful at this time as well. The first book is "The Five Love Languages" and the second one is "Hope for The Separated". Both are written by Gary Chapman.

Keep praying and ask others to pray also!


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## angelj (Jul 1, 2008)

My wife fell out of love with me a few years back. I'll go into it if you're interested but for now I'll just share how I saved my marriage. I was a little farther along in my grieving process then you are now. Over a span of 16 months we had been separated for 4 months, back together for 7 months and then separated again for a few more months. I had finally told myself that I was tired of feeling the way I felt. I went to the book store to find some self help books to try and get out of my funk. I was there for 2 hours looking at each book over and over again when I came accross a book by Andrew G. Marshall titled I Love You but I'm NOT in Love With You. I had never heard of this author before but I swear he wrote this book about me and my wife. I read nearly half of it that night because it was answering so many of my questions about why my wife felt the way she did. I call my wife and shared some of the info I read and right away it seemed to open her eyes too. She didn't know what she was going through herself so how could she possibly explain it to me. I bought her a copy and a few days later she asked me to come home. We were literally on the verge of divorce when this book saved us. I recommend that you go to Amazon.com and look this book up. It will show you the first few pages and you can decide from there if you think it will help you. Good luck and I'll be happy to talk with you more if you're looking for support.

AJ-


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## LovingKC (Jan 7, 2010)

This has been very hopeful. Its good to know I'm not the only one going through this and there are others who have gone through this and made it work. When I talked to my husband today he stated I don't know what we need to do to fix this, this seems like the only way. He said going to counseling made him angry.


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## angelj (Jul 1, 2008)

I can't comment on the counseling. I could only get my wife to go once and it was a disaster. I went to counseling on my own and it seemed to help me cope better but I could have talked to anyone and recieved the same results. I read that Dr. Scott Haltzman says counseling isn't productive for men. You can google him and read why. I think if you can read the book I recommeded and share some of the info with him then he might come around. Step back and consider what you're husband is going through. He's very confused and this book can help show him what's really troubling him and how the two of you can resolve the issue.


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## sfguy (Jan 13, 2010)

If he's the kind of man who has trouble dealing with difficult feelings and conflict, he may have specifically been waiting for the therapy appointment to tell you. Like having a therapist in the background would provide cover and help contain a big dramatic scene.

It wouldn't surprise me if showing up for the last 5 minutes to say what he did was his plan all along.


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## Alexandra (Jan 9, 2010)

Is there a counselor, trusted friend or clergy member that your husband would feel more comfortable going to?

It's encouraging that he hasn't left yet, but also emotional for you. The books mentioned above all are great recommendations.

Does your husband give you any concrete reasons for his "change of feelings" or does he just insist that he never loved you at all? Is he in a state of confusion? Is it possible that something is causing this confusion, such as another woman or a medical condition?

My heart goes out to you in this tough situation.


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## sfguy (Jan 13, 2010)

I'm kind of in a situation where I can relate. It's really hard to start that kind of conversation...

"This meatloaf is delicious. By the way, I've never loved you and want a divorce.  Pass the mashed potatoes?"

Using a marriage counseling session has occurred to me as well.


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