# Big Fight update



## katies (May 19, 2015)

I had a very good discussion with IC. Hubby and I want the same things but come at them so differently. After a discussion last night where I told him I was going to IC today, which made him nervous because I guess to him that means things aren't good between us, he said that trust was a choice. I said it just doesn't work for me like that.
He said just because ppl want to be his friends on facebook or LinkedIn doesn't mean they want to have sex with him. I was like - Whoa. ok. 
Which I guess means many women are his contacts on LinkedIn, of which I haven't looked at in 2 years. 
It went downhill from there and we woke up ok this morning like nothing had happened but he apologized and said he loved me and no one else, which is the thing I needed to hear 3 weeks ago. 

So in IC she explained how he is so logical that trust IS a choice for him. And that I am different and trust is a feeling for me. I agreed. We talked about the pattern we get into of having the same fight and she drew me a graphic of how we can change the pattern - I say I'm insecure and ask for reassurance rather than asking why he does something. That we come to each other with things BEFORE they happen. We have been doing pretty good with this very recently. He did tell me he might have to go to the country club more often (OW1 is a member too) and I told him I was grateful he told me that and thanked him.
We also discussed (after the fact but still) of going to a party that OW1 is always at. I said I could handle about 20 minutes of it - we would go so he could show his face as a business person - so for 5 years of not going I could make a baby step in that direction. Interestingly enough, I was the one who brought it up. He just threw the invite away.

But he needs to tell me he's going to look someone up on FB. Or, he needs to give me the heads up on interaction with an attractive female simply for the reason of emotional transparency. And THAT is the thing that builds trust. 

I wish we would have gone to her for MC.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Sounds good and very positive, can you (plural, but mainly him) keep it up? (Rhetorical question.)



katies said:


> I wish we would have gone to her for MC.


Might he in future? I didn't really follow your previous thread(s), so sorry if I'm off.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

CharlieParker said:


> Sounds good and very positive, can you (plural, but mainly him) keep it up? (Rhetorical question.)
> 
> 
> Might he in future? I didn't really follow your previous thread(s), so sorry if I'm off.


I think we're pretty much done with MC, although today in a phone call I expressed to him I wish she had been ours when we went.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

katies said:


> I had a very good discussion with IC. Hubby and I want the same things but come at them so differently. After a discussion last night where I told him I was going to IC today, which made him nervous because I guess to him that means things aren't good between us, he said that trust was a choice. I said it just doesn't work for me like that.
> He said just because ppl want to be his friends on facebook or LinkedIn doesn't mean they want to have sex with him. I was like - Whoa. ok.
> Which I guess means many women are his contacts on LinkedIn, of which I haven't looked at in 2 years.
> It went downhill from there and we woke up ok this morning like nothing had happened but he apologized and said he loved me and no one else, which is the thing I needed to hear 3 weeks ago.
> ...


Absent of additional context, I don't really agree that trust can be a decision that doesn't include the emotional aspect. That said, the developments are good. You two are working with one another, instead of things being unaddressed. There are many boundary concerns with your story and this demands you be included, somehow. You will be left feeling safe. He will be left seeing the boundary as a visual element.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

I have trust issues, that said I normally don't trust people, so the people who are good friends and family I allow to earn trust. For me trust is both a feeling and choice, I can't trust without either. I choose to allow someone to earn trust with me, and as we know each other better feelings and/or emotions are also a part. 

Vulnerability builds trust, opening your heart to show your soft underside is a good way to build trust. I did this with my wife after her affair, it allowed me to begin to trust her again. Actions can build trust also, if you keep showing actions that you are all in to the marriage trust is formed and built upon. 

From your post, and I may be totally off base here, but what I see is you don't feel safe. His social media accounts seem to cause anxiety for you. I'm not saying you don't feel safe at all, but you don't feel safe in regards to the social media. That's why I think it causes anxiety in you. Just my opinion from the post you wrote.

Trust will cause many arguments, feeling unsafe will cause arguments, and you need to differentiate the two. If you don't feel safe, you won't trust, if you trust, you will find yourself feeling more safe. I'm probably not explaining this well, but in my case as I felt safe my wife earned more trust. If her actions were suspect at all I would feel both unsafe and not trusting.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

drifting on said:


> From your post, and I may be totally off base here, but what I see is you don't feel safe. His social media accounts seem to cause anxiety for you. I'm not saying you don't feel safe at all, but you don't feel safe in regards to the social media. That's why I think it causes anxiety in you. Just my opinion from the post you wrote.
> .


I'm not sure it's the unsafe feeling or what. His job is way different than mine. He is in contact with many different people. I kind of don't even want to see who he is in contact with on LinkedIn. I may throw up how many women are on there. I would never be friends on FB with a hot young guy old enough to be my kid. I'm not sure it's a safety thing. It's a respect thing, to me. 
I do not have a LinkedIn account. I am not in the business world. But I have had requests on FB from men where there would be no good reason for us to be friends. So why even bother? 
And if my spouse were to get insecure about it I would dump that "friend" fast. 

I guess there have been several instances in this recovery where i feel I've been disrespected. 
He didn't sell the car right away. He is doing this social media bull****. Does it make me feel unsafe? not really. Disrespected - oh yeah. 
I just decided I'm going to do what I want to do and not worry about protecting him anymore because he's not doing that for me. 
If I want to be a yoga teacher and downward dog with my boobs hanging out then I'm going to. 
And f(ck him if he doesn't like it. 

Wow, I guess there was more to this.

other than that - things are going very well!


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

katies said:


> And if my spouse were to get insecure about it I would dump that "friend" fast.


Or Facebook totally, just sayin'



katies said:


> If I want to be a yoga teacher and downward dog with my boobs hanging out then I'm going to.
> And f(ck him if he doesn't like it.


Elaborate. Is that a tit for tat thing? Doing what you want and saying **** it. 

Not really related, my wife went to her first yoga class (pupil not instructor) recently, the boob anxiety was a big deal.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

CharlieParker said:


> Or Facebook totally, just sayin'
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I absolutely would dump facebook if he asked or if it created issues with us.

Yes, it's a tit for tat thing. I have really tried not to do that... but I'm missing out on things I want to do because I'm conscious of how he would feel about it. But if it doesnt' matter to him, I may as well live the life I want to. He is.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

CharlieParker said:


> Or Facebook totally, just sayin'
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I would have giggled as a 10 year old at these words, but why am I doing it 40 years later?


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