# Obvious maybe, I know, I know.......



## messeduplady (May 31, 2012)

Like I say, might be stating the obvious here yet again but I am really finding R hard. Just past 6 month since DD but had issue with OW last month (fishing email, now sorted for good we hope) and seems to have brought it all back again despite me/us being in control here. I have rationalised myself that some of my anger is directed at OW as she has got away scott free from any hurt (apart from not getting my husband), as even exposure has not impacted on her too much.

I am just getting sooooo low in myself - I look at WH and simply hate him so much and yet he is completely committed to R and 100% not in any way at fault at this stage. Other times I see him and think "wow, he is hot" and it all feels normal again. Whatever normal is / was I guess? We make plans, holidays etc, nice family times but yet it sometimes feels forced for me.

Anyway, enough waffle; do other BS feel this way, I mean, do you ever wonder if it will ever be "normal"? Do you find yourself wondering if you ever loved them anyway? The hurt is destroying me.

Am totally sick of this awful stomach churning feeling of uncertaincy. Times like these I really want to throw in the towel and just tell him to go.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yes, most BS's feel that way. 

It takes 2-5 years to recover emotionally.

Hang in there it will get better over the long run as long has he's on board with you.


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## mc1234 (Jun 9, 2012)

Feel this way too. I am 10 months since the ILYBNILWY speech and H's EA. Whenever I feel a trigger, everything he does is filled with suspicion. I then find myself questionning his commitment and I am angry towards him. This cycle is getting easier to break, but I am needing a lot of intimacy from him to help me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## missmolly (Jun 10, 2012)

14 months and still struggling


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## messeduplady (May 31, 2012)

God, I seriously hope I don't still feel like this after 14 months......so sorry you feel this way missmolly, it is so tough isnt it? Take care x

On the plus side though it is reassuring that I am not alone in this blo*dy thing. I need to be more reasonable maybe with my expectations.


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## missmolly (Jun 10, 2012)

Well it is slowly improving - it is no longer every minute of every day and I don't have that 'punched' feeling any more.
And he IS doing and saying all the right things.
EleGirl says 2-5 years - yikes . . . .


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## henley (Feb 29, 2012)

I'm right there with you.... Probably the lowest point I've been at was this week. Just past 5 months since Dday. H received multiple fishing phone calls from OW that he didn't answer. I was proud of him for ignoring her.... then to find out he texted her back to say leave him alone.... I feel like he gave her exactly what she wanted because they ended up texting back and forth for half an hour (according to our phone records). He isn't even forth coming with what the conversation was about.

How the hell does anyone actually REALLY make it through this with a full R. I am truly beginning to doubt it is even possible.


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## LittleMiss13 (Mar 7, 2012)

It has been 2 1/2 years for me and yes, I can honestly say that my husband's affair still crosses my mind just about every day. I promise you that the pain and heartache that you are feeling does lessen over time but I'm not sure if it will ever go away. Just realize that it is going to take time and patience. Reconciliation is not easy and I still have days where I wonder if it would have been better just to end my marriage. I'm sorry that you are having a hard time and I wish you the very best. Just always remember that this is not your fault; never take ownership for what your spouse has done. I wish you well!


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## missmolly (Jun 10, 2012)

LittleMiss13 said:


> It has been 2 1/2 years for me and yes, I can honestly say that my husband's affair still crosses my mind just about every day. I promise you that the pain and heartache that you are feeling does lessen over time but I'm not sure if it will ever go away. Just realize that it is going to take time and patience. Reconciliation is not easy and I still have days where I wonder if it would have been better just to end my marriage. I'm sorry that you are having a hard time and I wish you the very best. Just always remember that this is not your fault; never take ownership for what your spouse has done. I wish you well!


I have thought for a long time that this might be the case forever and have often thought that walking away would have been easier. It is such a rollercoaster because the good times ARE good and it is usually only when I am alone that I become negative again.

And thank you LM13 for your reassuring words. I keep looking for 'success' stories and don't seem to find many. Then again, maybe I am just looking in the wrong sections.


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## LittleMiss13 (Mar 7, 2012)

missmolly said:


> I have thought for a long time that this might be the case forever and have often thought that walking away would have been easier. It is such a rollercoaster because the good times ARE good and it is usually only when I am alone that I become negative again.
> 
> And thank you LM13 for your reassuring words. I keep looking for 'success' stories and don't seem to find many. Then again, maybe I am just looking in the wrong sections.


I believe you hit the nail on the head when you said that "it is such a rollercoaster" because there are truely ups and downs when trying to reconcile. There are some days where I couldn't be happier being married to my husband and then there are other days where I think to myself, "how in the hell could you put another person before your kids and me." I don't think I will ever have that answer although I do know that his affair was the biggest mistake of his life and that does give me some comfort. My mother always told me that things happen for a reason and hopefully one day that reason will come. Try to take it one day at a time. And yes, it seems that my low points are when I am alone so try to stay busy. Best of luck to you!


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

Just past the seven month mark from Dday.

I ride the roller coaster too. I hate it. I wish I could just feel one way or the other. The back and forth is taking its toll on me. It makes me feel unstable.

I want to cry when I read that even after two years it still crosses the mind. I am hoping, as well, that things happen for a reason and that one day his affair will not be the over riding force in my relationship.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

henley said:


> I'm right there with you.... Probably the lowest point I've been at was this week. Just past 5 months since Dday. H received multiple fishing phone calls from OW that he didn't answer. I was proud of him for ignoring her.... then to find out he texted her back to say leave him alone.... I feel like he gave her exactly what she wanted because they ended up texting back and forth for half an hour (according to our phone records). He isn't even forth coming with what the conversation was about.
> 
> How the hell does anyone actually REALLY make it through this with a full R. I am truly beginning to doubt it is even possible.


Not to budge in here... but NO CONTACT should mean just that...
NO CONTACT!

Why hasn't your H changed his number? 
There's nothing "R" about that.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

Sometimes I want things to go back to "normal".

But then I realize "normal" wasn't so normal back then.

My fWW was possessed.

I think when we BS's think or say this, what we're actually
craving is security. We want to trust our Ws' so badly again... 
to regain some sense of normalcy, as everything after Dday is anything BUT normal.

Do I want our marriage to grow? falter? sit in limbo?
If it doesn't grow, I don't want any part of it and refuse to
work on it if the effort isn't replicated on my fWW's part.

Unfortunately, feeling secure again can only come with time.

Create new memories and start over. Hopefully both the BS and the WS can learn from the mistake(s) that were/was made and
grow from it... if not, well... we all know the end result.

I fight my ass off every day.... it's only been 3 months and yet it seems like an eternity.


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## GotMeWonderingNow (May 31, 2012)

Only a couple of months (if that) into R after wife's on-line EA and other undesirable on-line behavior. Still not sure there isn't more to it, but so far I do not know. Currently my wife is extremely nice to me and says she is committed, but any time I see a red flag or hear an out of place comment my mind starts to race again. We have had several arguments in recent weeks just due to this. I am hoping this will fade over time. I'm doing better now than a month ago, but do not know when/if it will fade for good.


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## MauriceBoh (Jul 30, 2012)

I then find myself questionning his commitment and I am angry towards him.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey messed up---where your problem lies, is with YOUR sub-conscious, and unfortunately---that ain't going away anytime soon.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

It depends on what you mean by "normal", if you mean like pre-affair, it will NEVER be normal. It will always be the 700-lb gorilla in the corner. But if you mean that trust, love and honesty can be re-established, so tha you have a newer, better, "normal" the it will take hard work , commitment, and forgiveness, and from both of you. Good Luck!


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

messeduplady said:


> Like I say, might be stating the obvious here yet again but I am really finding R hard. Just past 6 month since DD but had issue with OW last month (fishing email, now sorted for good we hope) and seems to have brought it all back again despite me/us being in control here. I have rationalised myself that some of my anger is directed at OW as she has got away scott free from any hurt (apart from not getting my husband), as even exposure has not impacted on her too much.
> 
> I am just getting sooooo low in myself - I look at WH and simply hate him so much and yet he is completely committed to R and 100% not in any way at fault at this stage. Other times I see him and think "wow, he is hot" and it all feels normal again. Whatever normal is / was I guess? We make plans, holidays etc, nice family times but yet it sometimes feels forced for me.
> 
> ...


Nope, I don't wonder if things will ever be normal (as in before infidelity). I KNOW for a fact, that nothing will return to normal. It will be different at best. Before my wife screwed up big time, she was the air that I breathed, nothing less - not so anymore. 

So i will settle for less than I originally thought I would, or I must throw in the towel, search for better options and risc getting burned again.... hmmm... normal? I don't think so.:scratchhead:


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## messeduplady (May 31, 2012)

There is no normal. End of. Like you say, just got to decide how long I can cope with this feeling and if it will lessen over time I suppose.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

messeduplady said:


> There is no normal. End of. Like you say, just got to decide how long I can cope with this feeling and if it will lessen over time I suppose.


If I realllly stretch myself... you could try the zen-way. See him for what he really is, a human being with his flaws, accepting them. Don't think "He is hot" or "He is so wrong, I hate him" - but just accept him for what he is. This could be your new "normality".

Found this definition of Zen in Urbandirectory:
"One way to think of zen is this: a total state of focus that incorporates a total togetherness of body and mind. Zen is a way of being. It also is a state of mind. Zen involves dropping illusion and seeing things without distortion created by your own thoughts."

Now, I try this very hard myself, it may sound easy, but it's not. But maybe you could use elements of it.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

cpacan said:


> Nope, I don't wonder if things will ever be normal (as in before infidelity). I KNOW for a fact, that nothing will return to normal. It will be different at best. Before my wife screwed up big time, she was the air that I breathed, nothing less - not so anymore.
> 
> So i will settle for less than I originally thought I would, or I must throw in the towel, search for better options and risc getting burned again.... hmmm... normal? I don't think so.:scratchhead:



IMO, going forward you are better armed with information and the facts to recognize a cheater. 

It's the internet age that will help. Prior to the internet it was difficult to find information about the red flags of a cheater. 

Also, I was briefly attending an in person support group for people who were cheated on in a Long term marriage. 

I no longer attend because it is three hours away one way. 

But, there were so many people in a LTM who never cheated and never even felt like cheating. 

That's how I always felt. I have occasionally felt a spark for someone else. But I quickly recognized that it was a fantasy. 

Ruing my marriage for a fantasy and a sexual pleasure just seemed to sleazy and wrong to me. 

Also, I always thought about the pain I thought I would cause my spouse.


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## missmolly (Jun 10, 2012)

cpacan said:


> If I realllly stretch myself... you could try the zen-way. See him for what he really is, a human being with his flaws, accepting them. Don't think "He is hot" or "He is so wrong, I hate him" - but just accept him for what he is. This could be your new "normality".
> 
> Found this definition of Zen in Urbandirectory:
> "One way to think of zen is this: a total state of focus that incorporates a total togetherness of body and mind. Zen is a way of being. It also is a state of mind. Zen involves dropping illusion and seeing things without distortion created by your own thoughts."
> ...


I am going this way now. I believed strongly that infidelity would be a deal breaker for me and was surprised to find that I was prepared to at least think about it and not just stomp off (after the initial stomp that is). I am discovering that I love him, warts and all, and have taken him off the pedestal. It is now a NEW relationship and I am slowly accepting that what we 'had' is now gone forever. 
Hope that makes sense


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