# How to get passed husband's emotional affair



## clb0208 (Aug 15, 2011)

My husband and I have been married for 5 years. We have had a few ups and downs over the course of our marriage thus far, but I have felt that things are getting better and better each day. Last year we relocated to a city away from any friends or family for his job. We have a 5 year old daughter who I have been staying at home with, rather than working. Over the last few months my husband has been acting distant, and preoccupied. About 6 weeks ago, I found numerous inappropriate text messages between him and a woman he works with. There was nothing that implied that they were together physically, but enough there to make me upset. I confronted him about it, he said it was just flirty conversation, that I shouldnt be worried about it, but he realized that it was inappropriate and it would stop. 

I continued checking his phone records, and two weeks later there was an all day texting conversation between the two of them that was erased from his phone. Again, I brought it up, this time more upset. Again, he apologized, said it was nothing. That she was a nice person, and boosted his ego a little, but they have never so much as seen eachother outside of work, again apologized, said it would stop.

Over the past month, things have seemed much better between the two of us, and we even spent a few days together alone while our child was spending time at grandma's. I began to feel that maybe I had overreacted a bit, and felt confident in my marriage once again. 

This past weekend, I had to go retrieve our daughter from grandmas, where I stayed for a few days. When I got home, I was using his computer when I saw that the two of them had exchanged Facebook messages late into the night. The conversation began with him asking her to come over, and them discussing the fact that they shouldnt be talking anymore. The messages did confirm that they had never spent time together outside work, but she also described how hurt she was because of it, and how much she cares about him. It implied that it was her decision for them to stop talking because she didnt want to be a homewrecker, and she apologized to him for not stopping it sooner. He stated that he was sad they couldnt see where it would go, but he knows it is a tough position. Despite this, the conversation still ended with him asking her to get drinks with him the next night, where she changed the subject. 

AGAIN, I confronted him, this time livid, and ready to leave! I told him how betrayed I felt that he would still pursue this after everything. Obviously there was more going on than just nonsense flirting. He apologized, said that he was being stupid. He swore up and down that it was over, that he didnt want to lose me. That he will fix it, and prove to me that he is serious. 

I want to make things work. How can I trust him after all of this. I have been crying non stop for the past day and a half. They are still going to see eachother at work, that is going to make me crazy! I told him that I need to talk to her and clear the air, if they are going to be working together. I have talked to her a few times in the past and would have never suspected this. I feel like I need to tell her how I'm feeling (in a rational way) in order to move on. I don't even know if that will work. I feel like I will never be able to get past this, and feel secure about my marriage. I want to believe him. This whole thing is so out of character for him. He has never been the type to lie or seek another womans attention. I feel like I dont even know him anymore. How do I know he just wont once again find a sneakier way of continuing this thing. I am left sitting at home while he works, hardly knowing anyone around here, and scared to leave for fear that while I'm gone this will continue and the other woman may cave into his requests. 

Sorry for the long post, I am ranting I know. I appreciate anyone's insight.


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## Heartbrkn (Jun 16, 2011)

Sorry you find yourself here. I have heard the "being stupid" comment from the OM involved with my wife.
He made the decision to have the EA. Rebuilding trust takes time and work, especially from him. If he is really serious he will tell you the whole truth about his relationship with this woman and then be completely transparent with you about all his communications and activities, from now on, until YOU feel you trust him.
Without trust in a marriage what do we have?


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## pipe1 (Aug 15, 2011)

Can you ever realy trust someone I dont understand why he doing what he does with OW but I can see there is something wrong in you mge try and take some time to think. Sometime our Mge kind of take a wayside to the rest of lifes hurdles. Also I know you are angry at him,but talk to him and find out if there`s something missing in your Mge.

Mge is a constanstant work in progress,I am there too.


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## clb0208 (Aug 15, 2011)

Thanks for your replies. We had a long discussion after I discovered the second set of text messages. I agree with you, that we let a lot of things take priority over our marriage. Moving to a new town, and having a 5 year old has made it difficult to have nights to ourself over the past 6 months or so. We agreed on a number of ways we can improve things, and I thought we were doing a really good job. Over the last month we have made improvements. We made efforts to have our daughter spend time at with her grandparents to give us a few days of "freedom". Things seemed to be going really well. Then when I had to leave for the weekend, I come back to find that not only is he still talking to her, but inviting her to come to our home, and go out for drinks. 

When things weren't going well in our marriage and he was talking to her, I felt like at least I could take actions to fix what was wrong and I wouldnt have to worry about the OW. Now, it seems like I can never feel at ease, because it seems like even if things feel fine he may still be thinking about her. 

The fact that he was the one coming on to her, and she seemed to be the one who was taking my family into consideration makes me very upset. I mean, I am thankful that at least one of them had the courtesy to think about it, I just wish it would have been my H. So now, I'm left feeling that he is working on our marriage because he really has no other option. She doesn't want to be a homewrecker, so it makes it easier for him to stay. 

He says that he will fix things, and prove to me that he is sincere. And the past couple of days he has tried to go above and beyond with being affectionate, calling me while he is at work, bringing me home little gifts. But I can't help but feel like he is doing it because he feels guilty. That this is not a long term adjustment, just something to make me stop talking about it.

This thing is absolutely consuming me. I feel so alone here. I can't talk to my family about it because I don't want them to hold a grudge. I have told my sister, who is my best friend, about the previous incidents, but this one is so much worse. Honestly, I just feel stupid and inadequate. I'm embarrassed about the whole thing. And now it is just eating away at me all day, everyday. 

I appreciate this website very much. Reading everyone's stories have made me feel not so alone in all of this.


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

clb0208,

First off..."I just feel stupid and inadequate. I'm embarrassed about the whole thing. And now it is just eating away at me all day, everyday" This is normal, you might even try to blame yourself about your husbands affair.

Do not make this mistake!

You are not in anyway responsible! The pressures of moving, getting into a new job, being away from friend and family are all just a smoke screen...do not allow that excuse to take root.

A word about confronting the OW: I have never been a fan of this. I just think that it makes a sticky situation even more hard to manage. Lets be honest....if she didn't want to become a home-wrecker she would have never let it go as far as it has. She is not in your corner...believe me. You can never really be sure of how someone inside the marriage is going to react when confronted...let alone some stranger outside the marriage. In the short run it might make you feel better, but in the long run you might just be playing right into the story he has surrounded himself with..it's hard to say. Be careful.

best wishes,

GM


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## Heartbrkn (Jun 16, 2011)

clb0208, 

I wish there was a recipe I could give you to make this better. Your situation is very similar to mine. I am a few months out from D-Day and it is better. My WW was very attentive after I found out the truth and still is 2 months later, I(we) still have bad days but at least not everyday now.

For me there were 4 wks between the first time asked my wife about the A and D-Day. After D-Day she brought up things I about our marriage in the context of "I did it because", which sucks. She now owns the A as her decision 100%. That is what I needed. We are working on R now. 

Try to be strong and remember 2 people made a decision about your marriage and you were NOT 1 of them.

Also, I knew the OM and contacted him to confirm the A but every situation is different.


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## clb0208 (Aug 15, 2011)

Thanks for the reassurance GM. I keep telling myself that it isn't my fault. I think deep down I know that, but it seems like it would almost be easier if it was me. Then I would have some control. The lack of control is the hardest part for me. 

My H wants to put everything behind us, and move forward. Its like he acts like everything is fine. I can't seem to shake the thoughts yet. Everything is drowned in this layer of sorrow right now. He says that he understands that it is his responsibility to prove things to me, and has been supportive in the fact that I still need to talk about it. 

Heartbrkn- I'm happy to hear that you are slowly but surely moving forward in your R. You give me hope that things will get better eventually. I hope that this is just a mysterious way that is supposed to strengthen my marriage in the long run. I am finding it difficult to accept the future. When my H talks even about Thanksgiving and Christmas plans, I can't help but to think in my head "Well, we will see if you can not F things up before then". Right now everything feels like it has a "pending" status in life. Are you happy that you contacted the OM, or would you do it differently.

He had all of the excuses the first time I brought it up, but now he has owned it. I think he realizes that our problems may have cracked the door for this A, but he kicked it wide open.

We didn't really talk about the situation yesterday. He is supposed to be having a talk with the OW today about the fact that I discovered their conversation, and he will not be contacting her outside work any further. I plan on talking about a few things tonight, since I have had some time to process my feelings, and zone in on the details that upset me most. 

I still feel the need to talk to her. I have been reading that NC is the most important part of our R. The fact that they still work together makes that impossible, this worries me. I am understanding the "addict" behavior associated with these things, and it makes a lot of sense to me. I worry that him seeing her regularly will trigger those feelings for him. I am bound to see the OW at work functions, or even when I am just stopping by. My thoughts were by talking to her, I may be able to shed some of the akwardness and anger before I have to see her in a situation that may not allow for that. Plus, it may help me with some closure. Plus the fact that my H is trying to shy me away from it makes me want to even more.


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## Heartbrkn (Jun 16, 2011)

I still struggle with accepting what has happenened and what will be the future.

I had (still have) the pending feeling. The wayward is always on a different plane than the BS. My wife did not think I would consider divorce and just recently realized how close I was.

I HAD to contact the OM because my wife was still in fog and would not even admit the A. I made him believe I had enough evidence to get him divorced and fired so felt confident I would get the truth. That was my trump card for NC as well, as I told him and my wife all bets were off if there was contact. Don't think I could go forward with R without NC.


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## Heartbrkn (Jun 16, 2011)

My worst days have been when I felt(for whatever reason) that my wife was rushing me to be over this. Don't expect it to go quickly. Everyone heals on their own schedule. Try to tell your H what triggers you. I say try because they don't always understand and you may not know a trigger before it happens.


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## clb0208 (Aug 15, 2011)

I'm not really sure what I want out of contacting the OW yet. I don't know if I want her to feel guilty, if maybe that will cause her to stay away. She obviously played a huge role in where all this went, but as I said before, my H was the persuer. I think it is mainly for me to vent my frustrations, and make sure she understands what I'm feeling. Again, not that it really matters. I am worried that with them working together, I will have to akwardly share the same room with her at some point. I would rather face it now than later. 

My H says it isn't a good idea. That he doesn't want to have an akward work environment ( I think he has already created that if you ask me), and that it isn't really her fault. He thinks that she is worried that she may get a phone call from me screaming at her. This of course is not how I plan on addressing it. I am a civil person, even during these circumstances.

Ultimately, I am unsure about how to handle this. I guess I can add that to the list of things I'm unsure about. Maybe I shouldn't. Maybe I am looking in the wrong place for a quick fix to my emotional instability. I doubt it would give me any closure in the long run.

I just hate that he still has to see her.


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## Heartbrkn (Jun 16, 2011)

Once again I wish I could say "this is what you should do". I was unsure about calling the OM, ultimately I did it because I needed something black and white.

I did contact him 1 more time to confirm that some of what my W told me was true.

The fact that they will have contact and you may have contact with her will be difficult for sure.

He would be helping you a great deal if he could get separation from her or better yet permanent NC.


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

clbo208,

"I just hate that he still has to see her." 

I had to deal with the exact same thing since it was a coworker that my spouse was involved with. In the end, there was no way I was ever going to be OK with them working together. My wife ultimately gave up her job, which really showed me she was serious about patching things up with me. Lets face it...a job is just that..a job...not worth losing your marriage over it.

And yes...he's the one that made his work life uncomfortable. Not you!

best wishes,

GM


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## clb0208 (Aug 15, 2011)

Geoffrey Marsh said:


> clbo208,
> 
> 
> Lets face it...a job is just that..a job...not worth losing your marriage over it.


I agree with you that a job is just a job. The problem is that my husband is a partner at his job. He is the boss. We have invested a good portion of our savings for him to have this position. And he has signed a contract. We relocated for this job, and since I have had to stay home with our daughter I haven't been working. I wish that he could change jobs easily and make this part of the problem go away. He has been talking to his boss about the possibility of him relocating again, back to where we moved from (hoping and praying). 

I had mentioned the idea of him getting rid of her, but I understand the possible issues surrounding that. Especially considering he was the one pursuing her. Maybe deep down my intentions of talking to her are trying to guilt her into quitting. I wouldn't hold my breath for that one though.

I spent some time after my daughter went to sleep last night writing down my thoughts. Venting on paper the anger that is relentlessly building inside. I have used this outlet for my saddness since I was a kid.

When my husband got home last night, I asked him if he talked to the OW and made it clear that the relationship is to be strictly business. According to him, she completely understood and agreed. I believe this because all of her recent communication to him has been evidence that despite her feelings, she feels bad and thinks its best for him to focus on his marriage. He said it was an extremely akward conversation, since most of their talk has been done via text and fb. I'm sure having to say things face to face was different. 

Again, I vented how I had been feeling. How difficult things are for me. He says he understands that it is going to take time, and he doesn't want me to think that he is becoming impatient with me. He is willing to listen to my frustrations, even if I repeat myself (which is often). He says he is deleting her from his friends on facebook, and he will prove to me that he means what he is saying. 

I told him that I still feel like I need to talk to her. He is not in favor of it, but he says if it is something I need to do then he understands. I think he is trying to save the OW from an akward conversation, not necessarily hiding anything. 

I am feeling slightly better today, but I know that I have a long road ahead of me. I have been trying to block these thoughts by praying for strength. Luckily, my church has a big 4 day event this week. I need it!


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## Heartbrkn (Jun 16, 2011)

Could someone else supervise her? No company wants to deal with a harassment issue.


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## clb0208 (Aug 15, 2011)

Heartbrkn said:


> Could someone else supervise her? No company wants to deal with a harassment issue.


Her position is supervised by both my H and his partner. He doesn't necessarily have to directly supervise her. They more or less have to coordinate certain aspects of the business. For the most part they just share a common space, and may have to speak to eachother periodically. She works part time for now, I hear that my H's business partner wants to offer her a more full time position with more responsibilities (Great). I think she has handled enough if you ask me. 

I don't see a way around them working together honestly. It bothers me, and I am trying to find a way to find peace with it. My main worry is that seeing her will trigger whatever feelings he has and make him want to talk to her. He tries to tell me that he is done with it. And described his need to talk to her the last time as being just a "routine" he was used to, but he knows that it is stupid. This kind of falls in line with the addiction- like feelings he may have. 

I am not looking forward to whatever akward confrontation I may have with her in the future.


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## clb0208 (Aug 15, 2011)

So I sent the OW a FB message, it was the only non face to face way I knew how. I told my husband I would not barge into their work and do it face to face (that is a bad idea on many levels). I really just wanted to vent my feelings. I felt like she deserved to hear the consequences her actions have had on me and my family emotionally. I did not blame her, I placed the blame on my husband. It is ultimately his fault. I did tell her I had lost respect for her as a woman. I told her that it saddened me that a person who was so nice to me on many occasions, and seemed to adore my daughter would allow something like this to happen. 

I made it very clear that this is the LAST time I will have this conversation. I WILL leave if I find a shred of evidence of them continuing any non business relationship. No questions asked. I am not playing around. I deserve better than this, my daughter deserves better than this. I need to have complete honesty and know that this truly is over in order to move on and begin to repair my marriage. 

With that said, I am not sure if she will reply. I can tell you no matter what she says I wont believe her. Her reply doesn't really matter to me unless it is something implying she will continue to talk to him. Which it won't. I know it will say that she is sorry and it is over. I just needed her to hear me, so that is accomplished.

On another note, I am feeling a little helpless today. My H was rushed this morning to work. He had originally told me that he was going to attend our daughter's Kindergarten orientation today, then late last night told me he couldn't coordinate his schedule to allow him time off. Today I felt rough. It is like I didn't have adequate reassurance to get me through the day today. It almost seems silly when I say it out loud, but he has been super attentive the last few days, and today not as much. Is everyday going to rely on how much he reassures me? He didn't do anything wrong, but still I feel like I feel back a few steps today from where I was yesterday. Maybe that is why I felt like I needed to send the letter now.


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## Heartbrkn (Jun 16, 2011)

Did you tell him about the letter? and show him?

It is normal for you to be insecure. With H's help it WILL get better eventually.

Tell him about how you feel too! He cannot see your side so tell him you need the reassurances.


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## clb0208 (Aug 15, 2011)

Heartbrkn said:


> Did you tell him about the letter? and show him?
> 
> It is normal for you to be insecure. With H's help it WILL get better eventually.
> 
> Tell him about how you feel too! He cannot see your side so tell him you need the reassurances.


I have not told him yet, but plan on telling him when he gets home tonight from work. I thought about not telling him, and just seeing if he would mention it. I'm expecting her to mention it tomorrow while they are at work. But that defeats the straight up honesty I am trying to have in my marriage. I did tell him two nights ago, that I was planning on talking to her. I think he will be relieved because he was expecting me to say something in person or by phone. This is a little less akward for him I think. If he wants to read it, I won't keep it from him. I'm not sure if he will want to or not. 

I have been pretty open with him about my feelings so far, and he has been very understanding. I did catch him reading the book that I have been writing my thoughts in. He saw me writing in it when he got home from work, and I am not trying to hide it or anything. So he saw it on my night stand and picked it up while I was walking our dog. When I walked in he hadn't gotten very far, and immediately closed it and put it away. I told him I don't mind if he reads it, it all pertains to him anyway. I did tell him that he should prepare himself because it is pretty angry sounding. 

I hope that he does continue reading it. If anything, it will reinforce all of the things that I have told him. I do hope that things get better, and feel pretty optimistic for the moment.


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## Frankyh (Aug 18, 2011)

Hey there,this is Frankyh,glad to join this forum and glad to meet you here Tera Gold


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## YKB (Aug 18, 2011)

clb0207,

I understand how you feel. When I was reading your post, I felt like you were describing what I have been going through.

I am not a counselor, so this is just my personal opinion, but if it is possible, I would recommend that you talk to the woman. Not knowing what really happened between my husband and the woman he was working and having an affair with has been very tough for me. Like your husband did, my husband "came clean" when I confronted him, but there is no way of finding out that what he told me is the truth. In my situation, I was not able to get a hold of the woman. My husband was no longer working with her at the time and she never got back to my text message. In the text message, I let her know that I had no intention of attacking her in any ways, and in fact I was not angry at her at all for some reason. I asked her to help me have some sort of closure by telling me exactly what happened between them, but she didn't reply to me. If you think that talking to her will make you feel better even just a little bit, you should do it and your husband should do whatever he can to make it happen.

Like you said, I feel like I don't even know my husband any more. Sometime I find myself just giving him this blank stare, thinking "who are you?" I dearly miss who I thought he was and what I thought we had.

Please know that I am here for you. Even though I am not physically by your side to comfort you, my thoughts are with you.

YKB


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## clb0208 (Aug 15, 2011)

Thanks YKB! I am so sorry to hear that you too, are suffering this pain. I read your thread, and it sounds like we do have very similar situations indeed. It is so hard to make decisions on how to handle things. There really is no right or wrong, but it seems like each fork in the road makes such an impact on recovery. It makes each step feel huge. 

I sent the OW a long FB message. I spent A LOT of time planning out what I wanted to say to her, and honestly I think it was pretty respectful (as much as can be possible), and rational. I did have a few moments that were a little more emotional than others, but for the most part I think that it will be taken well. 

I told my husband about the letter yesterday morning, and I could tell he was bothered. He let out a big sigh, and seemed a little upset by it. This response surprised me considering he said he understood my need to communicate with her. I thought he would be relieved to know that it would not be face to face or by phone. He explained that he was not angry at the fact that I sent the letter, but just stressed that it may increase the akwardness at work. My response was "Well, I have absolutely nothing to do with the akwardness. You both created that ALL by yourselves". I am trying to lessen the akward situation that will inevitably occur between us in the future. With that he says he understands. I know that he has a lot on his plate at work without this situation. A lot of changes are going on and he is feeling pretty stressed about a lot of things. I'm sure this makes things even worse, but again.... not my fault. He feels bad for her. He knows that it is his fault. According to him she feels terrible already. I do believe this. He thinks that this letter is just going to add to that. As I have told him in the past, and told her in the letter, her comfort level is not of my concern, especially after what I have been through. I told him I have no expectations for her response, but I know if it were me receiving that letter, I would respond somehow. 

I have not received a response yet, nor do I really believe that I will. I don't really need one to be honest. Her words won't go far with me. I won't believe her anyway. Unless she were to confess to things I don't already know, which I don't think she will. Anything less than that is worthless. My purpose was to make her understand the full gravity of the situation, and the effects of what it has done to me and my family. I think secretly I wanted to guilt her into quitting her job. 

For the most part, I think that he has helped me a little bit with some closure. Things between my H and I are going as well as they can right now. I am thankful that he has been supportive of my process, and his actions seem like he is really remorseful. Like you YKB, I battle with the idea of living like this forever. Constantly questioning everything he does and says. I am already telling myself that I will never be able to go out of town without him. I really hope for the day when I look at him and don't just see a liar. For the last year we have been planning on trying to have another baby this winter. Well, needless to say, that has been postponed indefinitely. Its things like this that make it hard. Will I ever be confident enough in my marriage to have another baby with him? 

YKB, like you I have not told anyone about this. This forum is really my only line of support for this whole thing. How do you tell your friends and family that yet again, you caught your H talking to this woman he said he wouldnt talk to. That they have this full blown EA going on. Of course they would just say leave him. The stories that I have read on here, and the advice I have received has been great. Although all of the situations and outcomes are different, it gives you a good idea of the expectations we can have during our recovery.

Thank you very much for your support, and know that I am here for you as well!

~ C


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## Heartbrkn (Jun 16, 2011)

I hope the contact with the OW DID truly help you. 

I agree this forum is a very good place to vent. 

It also makes the day brighter to feel you may have helped someone-even if just a little bit.

If you H keeps doing his part I'm certain this will continue to get better for you. Try not to let the bad days and triggers get you down.


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## clb0208 (Aug 15, 2011)

Heartbrkn said:


> I hope the contact with the OW DID truly help you.


It did for the most part. I never got any reply, which I kind of expected. But I did hope for at least an "Im sorry" of some sort. I mean if she is truly as guilt ridden as my H describes her I would think she would want to tell me at least that much. But oh well. At least I told her everything I wanted.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

CLB you did great. Just let it rest from here on out. Are you and the H going to MC?


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## clb0208 (Aug 15, 2011)

Thanks 8years! We are not going to MC. I haven't found any that I am really sold on in our area. Plus we don't really have the money to afford it. I have been doing a lot of reading, and researching some websites like marriagebuilders. We are also joining a couples bible study in our church. I am hoping that this combination will allow us to gain some insight into our marriage. My husband is not fully on board with MC either, although he has been very supportive in seeking help in the ways I listed. 

Our relationship began when I was 20 and my H was 18. We had a child two years later, and married a year after that. Things progressed very fast for us (and out of order). We have never had a lot of insight into our marriage, and given it the attention that it deserves. We have spent the majority of time playing catch up with life, trying to finish school, get our careers in order, grow up, all while trying being the best parents possible. Now, I am trying to take this situation as a wake up call to put the effort towards our relationship, and keep it as a priority. 

Things feel like they are on the right track so far, though it is very early in the game. I am hoping that one of these days I can accept that things are truly getting better, and not keep waiting for another mistake from him.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Try this thread = http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/29674-removing-thoughts-your-mind-long-term.html

and this one http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...use-cheated-what-can-you-do-about-images.html


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## clb0208 (Aug 15, 2011)

Feeling pretty good about things! OW put in her notice at work.. Although she claims she has a better job offer elsewhere, I think it has a lot more to do with the situation with my H. I'm not sure if my FB message was instrumental in her guilty feelings about things, pushing her to the point of quitting. But whatever the reason she is leaving, I am pleased. 

At first it was a reminder of how serious things must have been to push her to the point of quitting. But it is reassurance that they really will have NC now. And if not, then it can't be blamed on work. So far, there has been NC through his cell, or email since dday. He deleted her from FB, and I changed his privacy settings to not allow him to receive messages from non-friends. 

Things are looking up at this point. We are really making conscious effort toward QUALITY time, and connecting on a better level. The negative feelings aren't completely gone, but like everyone says I think they will always be there in some way. They are just getting a little quieter everyday that my marriage feels reinforced. 

I cannot say enough how grateful I am for this forum. It has helped keep me remain sane (as much as possible) through all of this. I look forward to using my experience to providing support and shedding a little light on the next unfortunate person who finds themself here.


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## Heartbrkn (Jun 16, 2011)

Good! That is sooo much better for you. Here's hoping things continue to go well.


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## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone. This happened to me about five years ago and took me forever to get over it. I am glad the OW left her job, that will make things easier for you. I just wanted to point out a few things I learned.

First, be prepared that if he does any form of this again, that you will walk. Do not use it as a threat to hold over him. 

I found that the issues that we had belonged to both of us, he cheated but I was totally involved with the two kids and felt like he was on his own little island seperate from us. Make sure you work on your issues but take the time to evaluate as your life changes, so does your needs. If you don't communicate those needs, and your partner is doing the same old,same old, you are just as much to blame.

Getting over it. hmmm. Well i found out on my birthday after going to my hubby's email and found dirty pics and some flirtation going on. I then checked our cell phone and he had called her and she him,quite a bit. I was devastated. We had a seemingly good relationship. I called OW and told her who I was and she came to my home. I faced her and told her how I felt and that their friendship was over. She had given him a sob story about her ex and he told her how involved I was with the kids and neglected him. Mind you, I was a SAHM, did his laundry, had his dinner ready when he walked in and cleaned the home, and had his family over for dinners. I didn't feel he was neglected, I felt like he didn't have a connection with the kids and I tried even harder to make up for that. But it was not my job, it was his. He had to take responsibility for his actions. He stopped communicating with her and on his way home from a business trip, he called me and she beeped in, he waited until he got home to tell me she had called him because she was so upset about her father....blah blah. We relocated to a different state(job reasons,not her) but I had no way of knowing if he contacted her or visa versa. Resenmtent started to build until one day, hubby did something really stupid and I just snapped. I felt like I was hanging off a cliff waiting for my hands to peal off the ledge. When I snapped, I realized that I have my own self worth and he just refused to get with it. I calmly asked for a divorce. I think that was when he knew I was serious. He did suck up to me at the beginning as your hubby is now. That will end and it will be like why can't yopu get over it already? it does not work that way. What worked is when he sat down after four years of me asking and pleading to know everything, he finally told the truth. He began to change after he finally realized how important his wife and his family were to him. But the last four years have been filled with resentment and held back feelings. Don't wait that long, don't let the anger eat at you. It will not help you, you can't change what happened, and neither can he. Everyday is a brand new day. If you feel bad about it one day, tell him, I am having a bad day. I need...... a hug, kiss, just being held. Don't take each other for granted. The pain does not go away overnight but it does get better and now we have more good times than bad and it is only getting better. The big thing is not to hold on until it makes you just angry at everyone and everything. 

Trust is something we still work on, I still will glance at his email, check phone and he knows I do. He will also tell me if he is expecting an email from a woman coworker or something else. But it gets less and less as we work on it.

i don't know if this helps,just thought I would share...


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## clb0208 (Aug 15, 2011)

Thanks Tamara! I really appreciate your story. I think this last week of them working together will be pretty difficult for me. I am worried that they will want to discuss any unfinished business or something before she leaves. So I have been a little crazy about it. But I know once she isn't working there anymore their only way of communication will have to be traceable. No more at work discussions (if there were any to begin with). 

I totally understand what you mean about keeping it all pent up until you explode. That is usually how I handle things. I am determined to do it different this time around. I warned him that it is going to take time, and he may feel like I am dragging it out. He said he understands, and he won't rush me. But that is easy to say now. Some days I do tell him that I'm having a bad day, or just send him a text that I'm feeling a little rough. He is doing well so far with comforting me. But, if I have learned anything through this its expect the unexpected. I know that if I lose focus, or put my marriage on the backburner things fall apart quick. 

I have told him numerous times that I WILL leave next time. It won't take more than one flirtatious text, or inappropriate email, whatever, and I'm taking my daughter and leaving. That is the scariest part, knowing that if he screws up again I will HAVE to leave. I refuse to be the doormat!

I am happy to hear that your marriage is on the road to recovery. It gives me a lot of great hope that things can continue getting better. It is so nice to hear a "success" story. There are so many stories of divorce on here, or repeat offenders that it is easy to lose hope sometimes. I'm glad to hear that you and your husband are committed to making it work, and are getting better every day.


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## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

You won't be able to control if she calls him at work with a flimsy excuse. Just be aware that it may not happen,but it can. The biggest thing is to make it clear that he should tell you if she does contact him. That will go a long way in helping you heal and trust. 

It is not something you are going to get over and forget. But you can forgive. That will be the only way to heal. Forgetting, I find to be impossible,but after awhile it won't hurt as you remember.

I will caution you though, work on your marraige,but keep in mind that he has said he has stopped previously and then you find more. Stay diligent, and stay watchful for any slips. My hubby had a few. Don't be me and just keep saying,you hurt me but I will let it go. Even if it means you pack your things and stay with grandma for the weekend until he comes to his senses. That behavior can't be tolerated for any reason because it will fuel your resentment and anger and you need your sanity!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clb0208 (Aug 15, 2011)

I know that there will always be discrete ways for them to talk. I am still very much in spy-mode. I may go a few days without checking phone records and such, but I will always go back and make sure I have checked every number. I also told him that I know I can't control her actions, so if she does contact him, or start an inappropriate conversation he needs to tell me about it ASAP! If I find out on my own he's in trouble. I know that he understands that, but doing it is different. I know he will worry that things will set back if he brings up anything that may cause me to worry more. 

On a side note, my husbands actions have caused me to evaluate my own actions over the course of our relationship. While I have never had a full blown EA, I now realize that at times, I may have been approaching the line. I find myself now looking at every person as a potential threat to my marriage whether it be a man or woman. So people who may just have innocent, friendly intentions I see as a predator. I'm sure it is a good thing that I am more aware, but could it be that I may go overboard, and become too cynical? I think I am going to begin a new thread on this topic, so I can get some feedback.


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## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

I think it is normal human nature to feel like certain people are threats to a marraige at times. Just as long as your able to control your thoughts and feelings and not accusing the hubby of having an affair with everyone of them. My hubby liked to what he called harmless flirting and he works in a male dominated field with very few women. It seemed like everywhere he went there was always a woman who he talked to more so than others and I felt this was very destructive.I also had feelings about the fact that I had worked three jobs at one time and here I was a SAHM. You know how it is when you have little ones, no sleep, barely got to eat much less have a hot meal. By the time he got home, I had baby food in my hair, baby puke on my shirt and just stopped caring when he refused to help. That brought up many insecurities as I gained weight from depression, and just never felt like staying at home had any imput in my self worth. Now my kids are older and they tell me how lucky there are that I am home with them. 

Spy mode will continue for awhile, I still check every six or seven months, but feel like we are in a better place with communication. It is so important to talk, talk and talk. Share the good feelings as well as the bad. 

Evaluate why you feel people are a threat? Do you have any insecurities, guilt, or does hubby's actions create these feelings that other people are a threat? When you get honest with yourself with the why part, you can fix it. Good luck!


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## clb0208 (Aug 15, 2011)

> I also had feelings about the fact that I had worked three jobs at one time and here I was a SAHM. You know how it is when you have little ones, no sleep, barely got to eat much less have a hot meal. By the time he got home, I had baby food in my hair, baby puke on my shirt and just stopped caring when he refused to help. That brought up many insecurities as I gained weight from depression, and just never felt like staying at home had any imput in my self worth. Now my kids are older and they tell me how lucky there are that I am home with them.


LOL Tamara, I totally get the SAHM look! I find the sweet potato baby food to make the best conditioner . It's so true, you begin to lose yourself when you are home with the kids. For some reason I didn't value my contribution as much as working. I was very resentful for a while, because I made so many sacrifices when we had a family, and it is like he just goes on with life as usual. Meanwhile, my career is put on hold, or non existent rather. And he is so successful, and has made a name for himself. So it is like he has all the glory. These feelings are what caused me to become distant a couple of years ago. 

When we relocated I began feeling them again, because it felt like now I was forced to sacrifice my friends and family, my support system while he works 70-80 hrs a week. It was very difficult, but I pushed through it. I never felt insecure about my M through it all for some reason, but now its like that is all I feel sometimes. I made a vow to find contentment with my life. And realize that some of us are called to raise our children to become wonderful human beings. That is just as important as any job could ever be. Once I took on this point of view, I feel like the resentment is gone. But now the insecurity is taking its place. I know it probably has to run its course, but it still sucks. I hate feeling so unstable sometimes.


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## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

Seriously, it is because you don't have that support system. The highlight of your day is talking to a five year old. You never have to get dressed,who will notice? You have fallen into the SAHM pit. You ffeel the way you do because (although you LOVE being home with the kids,I sure did) you do not feel attractive and have no motivation to perk things up because you have fallen into a rut with the hubby. Anything more exciting than sweet potato conditioner seems a threat. Get it? 

What to do? Hire a babysitter, go out and even if hubby just goes as he is, you dress up. Join a mommy group so you HAVE to get dressed and your child can socialize. Make a point of making little surprises. A note with lipstick on the bathroom mirror promising a great night later(flirt), put notes in his lunch,get the babysitter,and rent a hotel room or even stay at your own home if money is tight. What was his favorite perfume when you met? Wear it. Life doesn't come to you,you run to it! You know what gets the hubby going, try it. When he starts looking forward to coming home to you,you won't feel threatened! I found by joining a cooking class,(something I enjoyed) it made me happier. The happier you are the better you will feel,trust me. I have been through it!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clb0208 (Aug 15, 2011)

Exactly! I mean, my daughter doesn't take much to impress. If I put on makeup, its like a big day lol! Since she has started school, it has helped a lot. I have met a lot more people, and plan on getting involved with the school. While she is there, I take some time to myself, and go to the gym or the pool. I have found a part time job that I will start next week, so that will probably help a lot too. Things are slowly getting better, but it was rough when we first moved about 9 months ago. I think that you are right about the notes and such. When I first sensed him drifting away (before I found out about the EA), I would send him some flirty texts while he was at work. I think he was surprised by it, but sometimes he didnt really take me seriously. I guess it is one of those things that feels akward at first, then starts to feel normal. I am going to keep at it and see how it goes. Part of the problem is his schedule. Like I said, he works sometimes 70-80 hrs a week. So that leaves little time for us unfortunately. He is working on fixing that soon, so hopefully that will help.


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