# Untidy wife/ungrateful/taken for granted



## Robbie_UK (Sep 11, 2014)

Hi all,

I've not posted on here before, have been a long term lurker!

Here's the thing. I work full time around 9-10 hours a day wich easily amounts to over 50 hours a week, plus travel time to and from work. My job isn't physically tiring however by the time IO get home I'm usually exhausted.

My wife works part time and finishes work at 12PM, she then has around 6 hours of time free to pick up our one year old from my mothers (who has him every day) and do whatever she pleases.

Im generally a quite tidy person and I hate to see cups/plates/glasses/saucers left lying about for days on end. If I use something I generally wash it and dry it and put it away after using it.

Im sick of tidying up after her! OR am I just been a ****? 

Example: The weekend just gone, my wife was away for 2 nights on a Hen weekend, so whilst she was gone I had my dad over to help me decorate and sort out the house as I was sick of it looking a mess.

We decorated 4 (kitchen, en suite, bathroom, hallway) rooms and moved all the crap from round the house into the garage or loft, I now have a downstairs toilet again, where as before it was full of Her crap, including shoes coats and boxes of papers and crap from her work. The kitchen was gleaming and the house looked and smelt the best it had in months... This was Fri night until Sunday afternoon.

My wife got home around 2pm, I showed her my hard work around the house and she was more concerned where all the stuff had gone out of the piles of stuff lying about and why I'd asked her to put her shoes in the shoe rack I had built that was on the garage wall with the 60 or so other pairs...

Bearing in mind I'd also been looking after my son most of the weekend and not really had a minute to go have a good shower/do my hair etc, she then says "oh you know you need to drive overt and pick the cat up right" (a 2.5 hour round trip). To which my response was, "I think you need to go, I need a shower and there's still a mountain of washing for me to finish (I did ALL the washing whilst she was away). I was then made to feel like a **** who didn't care how tired she was (from a hen doo) and how much driving shed done that weekend..

That was Sunday. I'd also piled up neatly al her belongings that were strewn around the house from various places and put them in a neat pile and asked her to please sort through them..its now thursday and they are still there. 

Lastnight when I got home from work, after bathing our son, putting him to bed and then cooking dinner I gave the kitchen a good tidy/clean, ie worksafaces all sparkly, taps polished, sink and drainer looking clean... Filled up the Dishwasher this morning before I left and switched it in

I get home from work and the kitchen is just a mess, pots/pans/knifes/fawks/cs left on the drainer, sink full of dirty water, I go upstairs to get changed so i can bath my son... cups and plates left out in our bedroom from the morning (not mine I moved it in the morning), clothes and random stuff left lying about the floor.

I've probably spoken enough now, but when I ask her to move things i get the "teary eyes look" and she goes all defensive and gives me something along the lines of "Arnt I allowed to put things where i want them, i feel like i cant do anything or put anything down" in some patronizing, yet guilty voice that always puts a lump in my throat, to which i response "just keep it tidy for gods sake, it takes 30 seconds to wash and dry a cup, 10 seconds to put a t shirt in the wardrobe FFS".

Anyhow, apologies for the length of my post. I'm just sick to death of cleaning up after her, so tonight as she has gone out to see friends I've decided to clean up my own mess (1 plate, 1 cup, 1 glass) and left all the rest frmo the day to her. Why should I work my ass off all day to come home and have to start tidying up?

Hope I don't sound like too much of a ****! Ta

Robbie

:scratchhead::scratchhead:


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

People here recommend the book No More Mr Nice Guy, though I have not read it myself.

It sounds to me as though maybe your wife has organisational problems ( or maybe she is just spoilt).


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## Robbie_UK (Sep 11, 2014)

tryingtobebetter said:


> People here recommend the book No More Mr Nice Guy, though I have not read it myself.
> 
> It sounds to me as though maybe your wife has organisational problems ( or maybe she is just spoilt).


She's very well organized, more so than myself. However I think spoilt is probably much closer to the truth. 

Expecting World war 3 when she gets home because iv'e not tidied up her mess.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

How's the rest of your relationship? It sounds like she doesn't respect you at all since she knows you like a clean house but never makes an effort to keep it clean, instead waiting for you to clean her messes. There could be some laziness as well. I know I'd be angry if the person who did less work around the house (and in general) was giving me orders. 

Did she at one point attempt to keep things clean but stop because it wasn't up to your standards? People have different ideas of what clean is. To some people it means spotless and gleaming and to others it means neat and ordered. 

How much of her day is spent doing time wasting things like watching the tube or being on the computer?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

She sounds like a user. Having your mother watch her child for 6 hours per day when she is not working? I am appalled at that.


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## CoralReef (Jul 1, 2014)

Hicks said:


> She sounds like a user. Having your mother watch her child for 6 hours per day when she is not working? I am appalled at that.


I agree. It sounds like she is living like an irresponsible teen mom...not to say that all teen moms are irresponsible but if I had to imagine what one would be like it would be your wife.

She had just gone out on a hens weekend and then followed that up with a night out with friends?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Hicks said:


> She sounds like a user. Having your mother watch her child for 6 hours per day when she is not working? I am appalled at that.


^^ Me too!! Wtf??

OP, there's a big difference between your being an extremely anal, nitpicking so and so who expects the house to gleam and sparkle 24/7, and a man who works hard and simply wants to come home to a clean house - not unreasonable at all.

Housework used to be a bone of contention in my marriage - my husband is very house proud and likes everything spotless. He's very fussy and a perfectionist. I'm not nearly as fussy as he, and as long things are clean and tidy that's good enough for me.

It took a lot of compromising on both our parts, but we now have a house that runs like a well oiled machine. 

Can you hire a cleaner? I know you shouldn't have to, but if your wife won't change, what else can you do?


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## thumbper (Sep 11, 2014)

Robbie
I am relating to your pain here. Couple of good suggestions throughout the thread but consider the following:
1. How long have you been together? Has she always been like this? Is this a new behavior? If new, consider 9 months of pregnancy, 9 hours (or so) of excruciating pain, in delivery, and 9 months of puke, piss and poop to deal with. Her standard for cleaning may have changed. 
2. There is a happy place in the middle. After 25+ years of marriage, I have redefined my expectations, and that is not a bad thing. Yes, ther is a need for clean house and dinner on the table, but many other things in life are much more important. 
3. How is the rest of the relationship, is the sex good? Are you guys communicating, laughing and having fun? Sometimes you gotta pick your battles.
4. Most importantly though, there must be mutual contribution ( not masterbation, although we love it) to the chores and tasks of household maintenance. Check out the books "No More Mr Nice Guy" or "Hold on to Your Nuts". Many women like the comfort and safety of a decisive, strong and dominant man providing direction and stearing the boat.

Good luck.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I would like to know exactly what she is doing during her 6 hours of free time daily.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

I think what you are asking your wife is fine, but how you asking her might be an issue. Area you demanding......are you in anger......have resentment built up.....any hand waving etc while you ask?

HOW you ask makes ALL the difference in the world.

Try asking her in different ways, cause clearly what you have been doing is not working.

I don't think you are asking for too much, and it seems like you put in plenty of contribution from your end as well.

Some tips: hold her hands....smile......just be nice.....if she is considerate person and understanding she will listen.

Also, don't expect perfection, some of what you wrote comes of a little bit "extreme". It's ok if few things are dirty/not perfect here and there (read:let go a little bit)

Hope that helps.


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## RollerCoasterRide (Sep 8, 2014)

While it doesnt sound like youre being too anal, remember not everyone cleans a dish right after they use it. This is a hard isue because the consequences of her not cleaning up are 1) the house looks like a mess and 2) you are upset...and it doesnt seem like she cares about either one of those. You are fighting a two front war...i think u should focus your efforts on one at a time. 

1) Youre not going to make her want to clean, but u can tie it to something she does want. Tell her if she doesnt clean you'll stop doing errands for her or cut back on how much she spends or not babysit when she goes out or any of these things that u have that she wants. 

2) She needs to respect how you feel. Tell her this makes you upset and u work all day. Tell her since she doesnt work as much she is more reaponsible for the house. Tell her u cant live with her doing this. If she doesnt care about your feelings then she doesnt care about you...and its hard to stick around in that situation.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

What is more exhausting to you: a) when you get home after a long day, spending an hour or so putting the house in a state that you are much more comfortable with, for your own enjoyment or b) stressing and getting angry and resentful for her choosing to not do this stuff?

I'm not saying you are wrong for expecting her to take care of her responsibilities, I'm just saying for your own peace of mind maybe this issue is important enough for you to solve on your own?


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## Willa (Sep 9, 2014)

It could be the way you are *unknowingly* treating her. 
My husband worked two to three jobs because he could and left me alone with our daughter for her entire first year. I had postpartum depression and because of the traumatic birth and loneliness I got a screw you attitude. 

He thought he was helping by telling me to clean up after myself but I felt humiliated. I am not his child or his employee. I wanted to freedom to do my housework without his critic. And I wanted a "well done" when I did what I did. 

Part of my problem is that my mom used housework or the lack there of to decide what I was worth in life and to have the man that was supposed to love me unconditionally never stop nit picking at every little thing made me almost go crazy. 

We grew apart and he eventually cheated on me while I was pregnant with our third child. It was a terrible emotional affair and I now feel less of a woman even though he stopped it the instant I found out. 

Instead of keep looking at your wife's faults start looking at her with love. I'm not staying this as a scorned wife of someone. I'm saying this as a woman. Try it for a month. Stop commenting about what she does or doesn't do. Show her extra hugs. Flowers. Cuddle. Tell her how much you love and appreciate her. 

It wouldn't surprise me if she has pp depression or some form of depression.


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## Jetranger (May 31, 2013)

Robbie_UK said:


> I've probably spoken enough now, but when I ask her to move things i get the "teary eyes look" and she goes all defensive and gives me something along the lines of "Arnt I allowed to put things where i want them, i feel like i cant do anything or put anything down" in some patronizing, yet guilty voice that always puts a lump in my throat, to which i response "just keep it tidy for gods sake, it takes 30 seconds to wash and dry a cup, 10 seconds to put a t shirt in the wardrobe FFS".
> 
> Hope I don't sound like too much of a ****!


She goes swanning off the the weekend on a slag do while you spend your days off making the house like nicer and cleaner, and she comes back and gives you grief? 

My ex would let the dirty dishes and such pile up too. I pointed out that the time it took to wash them (if she washed whatever we'd used for that meal as opposed to letting it accumulate) was about the same it would make the boil the kettle.

She has a lot more free time than you, what is she doing with it all?


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

I think there is a difference between an untidy house and a clean house, my house is very clean, but it can get messy with a 3 1/2 year old running amok... However...

Leaving dirty plates, cups, cutlery all over the place is just laziness.... you say she works, but she only works part time, so my question would be, what does she do with the rest of her time?:scratchhead:....

I do not think your being unreasonable, I hate clutter... I could not stand it if one of my room was filled up with junk it would drive me nuts...

Also, I do not think your being unreasonable at all to want to come home to a tidy home.... and why should you come home and have to tidy the house and go around picking up dirty plates etc....

Shes acting like a slob..... Sorry, but i think you just need to nicely tell her to clean up her ****


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

It's understandable to be frustrated and angry in this situation. Your wife has gotten used to being lazy and doesn't want to change. Stopping yourself from cleaning up after her is a good start. Let the place look like a tip. When someone comes over and she starts to panic at the state of the place, take your son out to the park and wish her an enjoyable day cleaning up after herself.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a tidy person, not at all, but someone else doing it for me is not going to fix that problem.

One thing you should do is ban eating or drinking in bedrooms. All food should stay in designated eating areas, e.g. kitchen or dining room. No way could I handle dirty dishes in my bedroom, that's just disgusting.


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## OrangeCrush1 (Oct 31, 2013)

This entire problem is your fault. I'm sorry, but it's true. She's behaving like a child because you have tolerated it for so long and have been treating her with kid gloves. If she had real respect for you she would not leave the kitchen a huge mess after you and cleaned shiny clean. 

Advice:

1. Designate one room in the house, or one corner of a large room if your house is small, as "her room" to be a messy and disorganized as she likes. Tell her it's "her room" (or "her area") to put whatever she wants and to be as messy/disorganized as she likes with no interference from you.

2. THEN tell her that the shared areas of the house, like the kitchen, must be reasonably clean and reasonably organized at all times. Re-iterate the word "reasonably". It doesn't have to be spotless clean, but it must be reasonably workable.

Tell her if she keeps making huge messes in shared areas and not cleaning them up like a normal adult, you're going to have to make "some very hard choices" that she's _really _not going to like, because you've had enough.

Be very strong and firm when you tell her these things, and don't let her get to you with her goo-goo-eyes bull****. If she tries that, stare her right in the eyes and say, "That's not going to work any more. Time to grow up." 

She's being extremely inappropriate and you're have allowed it. No more. That the attitude you must take.

If she complains, remind her she can be as messy as she wants in "her room". You're being very fair about this.


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## Kerry (Jan 9, 2009)

tryingtobebetter said:


> People here recommend the book No More Mr Nice Guy, though I have not read it myself.


I agree on this book. You're being her b*tch.

You might also google passive aggressive wife. I think there's a website with that name that nails it.

She's using PA tactics - she pouts, you cave, she wins you lose. I think this is super common and the person has no idea they're doing it (I've done it), but good to raise your awareness to it.

You want win-win situations...

Really, she shouldn't have to do it "all" your way. I leave dishes in the sink when I work from home, but always wash them before bed. My H complains about my dishes b/c he washes the way you do. But, I don't think I should have to do it his way either...as long as there's a limit on my way. There's not a right way and wrong way. Respect of diversity is what matters.

Oh, and I will add from personal experience that reminding someone of something that they probably already hate about themselves (whether or not they admit it) is extremely painful for that person. That doesn't mean you should clean up after her, but try to set limits without making it person (and letting her know you still love and respect her as a person). I say this from personal experience.

hth,
k


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## Coco2014 (May 8, 2014)

It sounds like your wife was not raised up right. Even toddlers were told to pick up their own toys. I would be pissed off too if I came home every day into a messy house.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Is this your wife?


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## lookingforpeace (Sep 30, 2014)

I would love to have an SO like yourself, very thoughtful of you to get the house back in order and just not be a slob, clean up after yourself. You sound like you take care of the child the most as well.

Is she suffering from depression?

Im sorry but if shes only working part time, i think anyone would agree she needs to step her game up and help around the house. When i was down on work and my SO worked more hours than me i would definitely have the house clean no matter what, never complained either.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

If my husband took all my belongings from around the house and piled them up in the garage, I would feel invited to leave.

Would you rather she and her stuff be OUT of your life? That is what you are communicating IMO and it would hurt to be on the receiving end of it...

I am hearing this differently than the other posters? I don't hear that she is loafing around with 6 hours of "free" time. I hear that she works part time in the am then picks up the one year old from her mom's (who has him for 6H) and is home with him in the afternoon.

So, I'm not going along with the man up and crucify the useless lazy b!tch crowd


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