# Time to Quit?



## waterinpeace (Aug 22, 2011)

4 weeks ago I found out my partner has been cheating on me in the past 2 years. We had our problem about 2 years ago which was why he started an internet relationship. They were intimate and chatted day and night. 2 months later, we were back together and I got pregnant 8 months ago. He said they just chatted on the internet and never met and during the past 2 years, he has been chatting with her whenever we have a little arguement or when he found he couldn't talk to me, he then turned to her. He said they don't have any intimate relationship anymore but she has been a emotional support for him.

When I found out about this, I was angry and hurt. I couldn't think of him making me pregnant and at the same time having another "soulmate" behind my back. At one point, I thought of working on it for the sake of our baby but it's just so hard to really come over the thoughts of it. Somehow, it feels even worse than if he just went out and had a one night stand.

He actually had his knees down on the floor and said he did it wrong. I felt sad at that moment, extremely sad. I thought maybe we can work on it. But a few days after, the thoughts of him being both physically (internet sex type) and emotionally involved with this girl for 2 years behind my back just wouldn't go away I find myself being tortured of even looking at him or hearing his voice. I turned silent because I really don't know what to do, and how to behave in front of him. I simply can not smile at him or even talk to him without having something in the back of my head of what he chatted with that girl on the internet (including comments about me). Silence is my only coping strategy now that I live with him.

I don't know how he interprates this silence but he reacted by going away. He disappeared. Left a note that he is at his folks house and never show up at home anymore. So far I haven't seen him for a week. I am 8 months pregnant now, with a heavy belly and placenta previa bleeding risk, have to do all the household chores, at least to do the heavy lift shopping for myself, cooking, cleaning and setting up baby nursery. He is gone, with no signs of caring about his baby, if not me. 

If finding out about his cheating made me loose trust and feelings for him, his no-show behaviour will be just the final stroke telling me that I should leave him. How could he be so irresponsible? How could I even believe that he feels even remotely guilty for what he did? Does he even care about the baby at all?

Maybe 4 weeks is too quick to decide, but it is the critial 4 weeks when I am in desparate need of help, emotionally and physically. Obviously I can not move out now since I am 8 months high risk pregnant. I don't want to put my baby at risk. Besides, I can not just fix a place to move to like that. I have a C-section booked in 6 weeks. I am thinking after the recovery from C section, I will have to start looking for new place.

My friend told me maybe he withdraws because he wants to give me space to calm down. But still how could he just totally disapear when there are so many practical things need to be done now that need his help? How could he be a father? 

He is not an agreesive person but rather passive. Who knows what he is doing now? Maybe he is on the internet again to chat with someone who can fulfill his emational needs? I just feel so disheartened and ready to go.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

He sounds like a d-uchebag. I am sorry for your pain. Focus on your pregnancy and don't chase after him...he walked out on you. File for child support as soon as baby is born.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

Listen to Jellybeans...she's right on the money.

Try not to even worry about him right now...and take care of yourself.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

I am so sorry you are here. I don't think you would find anybody here who would disagree that a two year emotional Affair [EA] is not a massive betrayal. It is in some ways much more hurtful that he fell in love with someone and shared intimate details than a purely physical affair. For me it was a deal breaker..

The position you find yourself in now is very difficult but unfortunately not that uncommon. Some men simply freak out as the realization that they now have to be responsible for the raising of a child hits them. What he will soon come to is that he IS RESPONSIBLE!

At the moment he is the being really selfish. He wants to continue the EA. He wants you. He wants everything. This is typical of a person in the FOG. 
IF you want him in your life, and this is far from certain from your post, then there are things you can do but you have to decide first. Please post again. Do you want him?


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## waterinpeace (Aug 22, 2011)

I don't know if I want him. Most probably not.

He cheated on me. Instead of seeing him being remorse and trying to make it up for me, he plays dispearance now. And now is the time that I am 8 months pregnant, could anytime go into labour due to my placenta previa. If this happens and I end up in the hospital myself and if there is any complications with the baby, it will haunt me for the rest of my life. Even the fact that I am alone now doing all the stuff (want to set up baby pram today but actually don't know how) makes me hate him. Even if I stay with him, the memory of him totally missing before the birth of my child will be a pain that haunts, let alone that 4 weeks ago I found out he has been cheating on me. 

I would rather move out now if I could. But I can't. I am so tired and heavy. Am having 50% sick leave due to the bleeding risk. I have no energy to go around and find a place to move to and set up a new home 6 weeks before delivery, and all by myself.


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

Water...worried about you. Do you have family/friends nearby to support you through this? Your partner isn't there for you...to go through this alone would be extremely difficult.

If he doesn't help you that would very easily be a deal breaker.

He needs to come around.

But you can't make that happen if he doesn't realize th gravity of the situation. Seems he's scared of being a father. Have you had any interaction at all since he left? Or his family? Why would they shelter him from his responsibility of being a father?


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## waterinpeace (Aug 22, 2011)

I guess it is kind of a deal breaker for me already?

I think it is not that he is afraid of being a father. Along the 6,5 months pregnancy (before I found out about his cheating), we were so happy doing midwife visits, planning for the baby coming etc. I think this is more about him being a selfish person, that his emotional needs come above everything since now I am so mad at him because of his cheating and has been silent with him. He can not take that, so he disappeared to his parents, or maybe online again who knows. It's been 5 days now I haven't seen him, heard anything from him or his mother (only mom left, his father died). I wonder how would his mother keep him there, being a woman herself, and not worry about what is going to happen here? 

No I am here all by myself. My family is far far away in another country. I have some friends but not anyone that I can really think of who can take care of me at 8 months pregnant and an upcoming baby. I am thinking maybe I have to pay hourly workers to come in and help.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

HI. 
You do not need to go anywhere. You need to rest. If you can afford to get some help. Do. 

I know this is just a load of Internet people but stay here and at least we can add our 2c in..

Don't underestimate the power of his Mother. Can you talk to her? You may find out that she knows nothing about this. EXPOSE this immediately. He is being a selfish and I still think he is running scared. 
Hang in there. Don't panic.


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## waterinpeace (Aug 22, 2011)

Hi,,

Thanks a lot for your guys, a load of internet people. I so desparately need to talk to someone so I appreciate your replies all the way.

Yes even though my heart screams that I should just go and leave, I can not because of reality. Then also I think why should I leave? He will get to be the father for the child anyway. He is not a drug user, he is not abusive, he has a job so he will get custody 50% anyway (I thought about leaving completely and file for sole custody but obviously it will not work). So why shouldn't I stay until I am comfotable, healthy enough to leave? For my own sake and for the baby's sake, isn't it? 

His mother knows everything. He is the only child. Since his father died, they talk on the phone almost once everyday. They are very close and she knows everything about our relationship.


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## NURSE51 (Sep 22, 2011)

I am so sorry for what you are going through. It is unbelievably difficult. Call his mother -she may assist you since it is her only grandson you are carrying. If not, call the woman.s shelter to see if they can help . There are some family homes for unwed mothers to stay until delivery-perhaps they can take you in.
After the baby is born, consider strongly this man,s character.Strongly consider divorce before the baby grows to know him and then join Parents without Partners. Please take care of yourself!


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