# does separation help



## wade

My wife says she wants a separation. I have fought against this but today I said that if she needed to do this I would not talk her out of it. We are both unhappy with each other and have issues we have not been able to work out yet. She says she loves me and wants to work things out but is sick of our fights. Is a separation going to help? Does this work or is it just a way to leave with less arguments. I am confused on how to act when she packs her things. I plan on trying to set some goals and time together along with counciling. Is that the best I can do. I am worried that we wont know if this will work until it is too late. I would like to stop her but I have done that many times and it has left us upset when the same thing happens 3 days later. Any advice from those dealing with separation would help.


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## iamnottheonlyone

They say it does. However, the secondary issue that will trouble you is that many couples reunite too soon. I would suggest marriage counselling now. I mean right now. Don't wait. I am going to suggest your counselling not focus on the "problems" but focus on what is missing in your relationship. Do you hug her everyday? Do you truly listen to her? Do you look her in the eye and hold her gaze? You need to find love. She and you need to try to be "In love" not just love each other.
Separation is a risk. But she has to need you.


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## finallyseewhy

I am really hoping it does and when someone is wanting it you can't force them to not go....believe I tried  I will say in the short time I we have been separated yes it has been miserable but I have learned a lot and been able to really look at the issues and really really look at myself.


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## ddindiana

I agree, yes seperation hurts but you do find out alot about yourself and you wish you could go back and do things rite, but for me its alittle to late. Been seperated 5 months know stbx wife has filed for divorce, We have a 7 year old daughter and it hurts so bad, but it does get easier every day. I thought after 15 years of being married we could work out or problems, but in the end she was not happy so i have to let her go. I will always love her because she is the mother of our daughter i just wish i knew why she changed from the women i married to this evil person she is now.


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## maplesky

I also suggest you get counseling immediately.


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## Scott G.

I think a separation can help just for the purpose of getting out of each other's faces for a little while and letting each calm down a bit. It also allows you to really take a look at yourself when you're alone. Because when the other person is around to work your nerves, your tendency will probably be to focus on what they do wrong, as opposed to focusing on yourself and your own flaws.

But in order for a separation to be productive, during that time the two of you should be seeking individual counseling. And if your wife would like to later down the line, eventually go to couples counseling.

But right now she needs to see you taking action to change. Words are hollow. So let her see you trying to change by going to counceling by yourself. Let her see you making changes because you understand they need to be made. If you make changes just to keep what you want and get her to be quiet, it's not genuine, it's self-centered and it ultimately will not work. 

So a separation can work if you're ready to take a look in the mirror.


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## turnera

Separation is the worst thing you can do. If you have to, move into separate bedrooms. But being in separate houses just allows you to forget why you were ever together.

Go to marriagebuilders.com and sign up for their phone counseling; everyone I know who's used it has raved about how fast it got their marriage back on track.


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## wade

Thanks for the responses yall. We have temp. seperated . She is at her moms with our kids 3 and 5 boys. I did not stop her this time. I told her I love her and to come home when she was ready. We set a time to talk on the phone every day. I will see my kids today for the first time since she left sat. nite, I miss them. She said she has just told them they were visiting. We agreed to go to counciling I have called every marriage councilor and its going to take a week or so to get in. She says that since our last arguement about 6 mos that I have done more to help but that I make her feel bad about what she does or does not do. We both have been very critical of each other. She says she does not have fun with me anymore and I have been less of a friend to her. She states she wants to be with me and have a happy relationship but not sure if that is possable. I want to belive we will work this out and I will do every thing I can. I cant say this to anyone so I will tell my fear here. I cant help but think that when she left with the kids that she expected me to refuse(do something stupid). Like she is looking for the excuse to end it and I am trying not to give it to her. I hate not knowing. I dont want to do the wrong thing now everything is on the line but I feel insecure.


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## turnera

Go to marriagebuilders.com and print out the Love Buster and Emotional Needs questionnaires. When she comes over, give them to her, and ask her to fill them out. Once you have that from her, report back.


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## wade

Thanks ,I printed them and will ask her to fill them out.


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