# Moved back into the bedroom



## dazed_confused (Aug 23, 2012)

Well I found out this week after my wife tried to take her life partly because of her depression and partly because the guys she was cheating with me duped her.

Well she came home yesterday and moved back into the bedroom after 10 months of sleeping in the other room. I didn't sleep worth a damn to be honest. I was worried something would screw it up and she would try move back out. I know its only been one day.

I talked to her about setting our boundaries to start reestablishing trust in our relationship. She actually stood naked in front of me for the voluntarily. We made our bed together she unlocked her phone as did I... I know I didn't cheat but if I am asking her to be transparent other than giving her privacy in the shower (which when we were not having sex I would do just to see her). 

We kissed like we have not in a long time and watched Office Space but I had to bail out because the parts where they talked about cheating upset me.

Today is day #2 and I am nervous as hell. If I can survive reconciling my marriage I don't think there is anything I can't survive, except maybe the death of one of my Son's.

If anyone out there has successfully reconciled please pass on anything you think may help!!


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

If the hope of reconciliation has you walking on eggshells, it doesnt sound healthy.
Your wife's depression and resulting attempt at suicide, does not sound healthy for you, for her, for a marriage....(adding in the other dudes, just kind of ruins the desire to try for me)

You are in the middle of attempting to "control" a reconciliation with a woman that likely has other things on her mind...
As you discuss bounderies and reestablishing trust, is she really in the same room with you? 

Consider her motivation. Consider your motivation. 
Do you simply want things to go back to "normal" because brother, they NEVER will be that brand of "normal" again. 

Reconciliation is not an exercise where you hunch over in expectation of master's whippings and scraps from the queens table. Your post just freaking oooozes with codependency and "beta" attributes (though I hate the alpha-beta reference).

Take it easy. Stop trying to control the reconciliation. There may not be one, and no amount of forcing steps towards it is going to do it. You sound like you are already walking on eggshells at Day One, so Im wondering what the value is to it.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

What does your wife contribute to your life ? Financially and emotionally ?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

- suggestion, get the TV out of the bedroom. There's only two things you should be doing in bed!

- you can't be afraid if loosing her or this won't work. She'll pick up that you are afraid of her leaving and will use it to negotiate down what she needs to do to be given a chance at R.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

dazed_confused said:


> Well I found out this week after my wife tried to take her life partly because of her depression and partly because the guys she was cheating with me duped her.
> 
> Well she came home yesterday and moved back into the bedroom after 10 months of sleeping in the other room. I didn't sleep worth a damn to be honest. I was worried something would screw it up and she would try move back out. I know its only been one day.
> 
> ...


I hope the best for you.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

She moved back after ten months of living in seperate rooms when OM duped her.
You are in R.

Is she really Remorseful or ready to do anything for a second chance? or Are you jumping on R on the first oppurtunity you got? 

She stayed nude infront of you means she knows how easily she can make you a doormat, its time for you to prove her otherwise.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Agree with Shaggy, there is no reason to have a TV in the bedroom. It is used as Avoidance Behavior.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Good luck OP.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

Obvious mental health issues here - she's in therapy, right? How often? After a suicide attempt, people are often in day treatment, not just weekly sessions, and family members are included in some sessions precisely because of the helpless/scared/what-am-I-supposed-to-be-doing feelings you describe! You need PROFESSIONAL mental health guidance here, not just reconciliation help.

Having said that, you need to do a lot of deep breathing, keep your expectations low, and I would suggest you read Not Just Friends so you will understand how fragile any reconciliation will be even without a suicide attempt (yours is extra fragile!). There's a lot of good stuff in that book. Best of luck to you.

And yes, get that TV out of the bedroom.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Brother,

Shaggy is right. Get the tv out of the bed room. Shooboomafoo is also right. You cannot act perfectly all of the time. Don't try to control the situation. Be a man and lead and let her choose to follow or not.

My gf has BPD... She always wants to be in control and I told her the easiest way for her to control how I act is to let me choose, because I to love her so I will always choose to try and make her happy and try not to hurt her.

Your wife has to choose what she wants out of life. Don't try to choose it for her. Show her what you have to offer and let her know if she wants what you have she needs to tow the line or get out and get on with her life.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

dazed_confused said:


> Well I found out this week after my wife tried to take her life partly because of her depression and partly because the guys she was cheating with me duped her.
> 
> Well she came home yesterday and moved back into the bedroom after 10 months of sleeping in the other room. I didn't sleep worth a damn to be honest. I was worried something would screw it up and she would try move back out. I know its only been one day.
> 
> ...


Hi,

It sounds like you have a lot going on there; but it does also sound as though you both want to reconcile.

I think that being nervous is a healthy sign - and I infer that your wife is also nervous too; I hope so.

You have a lot of pain to work through. Be open with each other. Without The Truth nothing can work.

I personally think a TV can be a good thing to have in the bedroom; it can be a nice excuse to cuddle up, share an experience and talk about it. Great if you are not as comfortable together as you once were.

I don't know anything about your story but you sound like a decent fellow. I wish you luck. Keep on doing what you're doing - including posting here. It helps


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## Single Malt (May 2, 2013)

dazed_confused said:


> Well I found out this week after my wife tried to take her life partly because of her depression and partly because the guys she was cheating with me duped her.
> 
> Well she came home yesterday and moved back into the bedroom after 10 months of sleeping in the other room. I didn't sleep worth a damn to be honest. I was worried something would screw it up and she would try move back out.


I mean this as no offense, because I am on your side my man, but she cheats on you and has YOU thinking you are the one that might "screw it up"?

I think she has successfully gaslighted you and you need to stand up for yourself and quit being so in love up to your eyeballs that she has you wrapped around her finger.

If you want to try to keep her, then do what you think is best. But whatever you do, don't be a doormat and thinking that you have to walk on eggshells to keep a cheating woman.


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## dazed_confused (Aug 23, 2012)

I just spoke to her and said I am not going to be made to feel like the bad guy and cave like a little punk, but I also am not going to be the it is my way or the highway guy.

I am going to be the guy in the middle who is rational enough to know when it is time to admit it is over. I will not go through what happened over this last year. 

She has already agreed to setting the boundaries. We discussed setting a weekly schedule so there are no surprises and sticking to it.

Thank you all for really showing me that I was falling into the traps that I did last time. I am going back to talk to my therapist as soon as my insurance pulls their heads out of their ass and pays the guys... 

I am going to do what is in the best interest of me and my son's. 

Please keep the thoughts coming I really appreciate the suggestions and the kicks in the ass.


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

Best way to get through R?
Lots of counselling with a MC and if you are a chruch goer a preist.

We got through ours that way. You have to start all over just like when you dated. You remember that and how you treated her?
This could be phone calls ,texts, going out on a real date movie starbucks etc.
You have to start building good memories again.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Dude if you can handle the pain, I found that listening to my old lady talk about the things the OM did that got her worked up helped me.

Granted you can;t compete with new love and the affair fog, but sometimes finding out how much your chick digs cologne, or big arms, some time gives you the edge and doing some curls and splashing on so Old Spice helps.

In short finding that new match that will light the fire and you have to talk to her.

Ya I know it sucks but listening to these painful things that are now my wife has one advantage in helping her affair proof the marriage...so sure this is alot more to it on her end but at the end of the day, unless you are lighting her fire then whats the point?

Chicks like it when you listen, chicks like it when you say corny stuff. So what every the Om did in making her do something she never would have though she was going to do when she way a kid....well show your old lady you can be better then that POS.


So in short, if your old lady likes to be held gently and slowly worked then meet that need. If your old lady wants to be bent over and spanked then step up and grap a handful of her hair and meet that need.


I'm wired different then most but it seems to be working for me and Mrs. the-guy.


And ya one more thing, chicks dig confident guys so don't phuck around in that department!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

An one more thing....don't be that same guy that she cheated on.

Respect is commanded not demanded.

If she sees and new d_c your chances of making it are much greater.....but at the end of the day its all up to her in how she affairs proofs her marriage and the sh1t she needs to do to address the issue she has as an individual...I mean something in her noggen made her make a very unhealthy choice for her with regards to you and the boys.

Dude, her crap needs to be addressed or she will do this sh1t again 2, 5, or ten years from now....you know what I'm saying?

My old lady went 5 years before doing it again. If I remember right, Bandits ex old lady went like 18 years....

So dude you have to be careful.


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## dazed_confused (Aug 23, 2012)

To Sid and the Guy

thanx!! I actually did talk to my wife what he did that I didn't when it came to initiating things.

And I do need to man up as well!!


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Wait, you found your wife had an affair and you moved her back into the house immediately and wondering what the OM did with her ? Did she even apologize ?


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## dazed_confused (Aug 23, 2012)

She was never out of the house, the affair was over 6 weeks before I found out. She was in the hospital for trying to take her life.


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