# Need advice for dealing with betrayal



## jpierce80

Hi all. I'm 38, married 17 years. I recently found out that my husband took a picture of me in my underwear, without my permission, and shared it with a total stranger online. He is on a lot of websites where couples post themselves having sex, which I have known about, and don't love it but can deal. So this picture he sent of me is in a private chat on one of these sites. The picture is innocent enough, but I am pissed. He didn't have my permission to take it or share it, and because the other guy then sent back explicit videos of him and his girlfriend, I feel like collateral for porn. My husband even alluded that he would work on getting more pics of me. I have been very clear that because of trauma in my past, I'm just not comfortable with taking nude photos. We are busy with work and 2 kids and have to put in effort to have a sex life, but we do have one. I just feel totally disrespected. 

This is in addition to an incident a few months ago when he was sending pictures of himself to some random lonely houswife he met online, and asking her to send pics of herself and they were sexting each other. Also, emotional affair with his boss a few years back that didn't turn sexual but could have, and definitely put our marriage in bind. Sometimes I think I'm making a bigger deal of things than called for, but the little things keep adding up. I asked him to go to therapy for the last incident, and he did, but seems to not get that his online habits are still a problem. I'm overwhelmed.


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## Diana7

These are not little things they are big betrayals. He needs to stop all of his on line stuff, its just wrong for a married man. What he did with your picture, taking it without you knowing and posting it on line is probably even illegal. You need to decide what your position is and what your boundaries are and state them to him clearly. He will then need to choose you or his on line stuff. 
He isn't being faithful. Are you prepared to stand up to him about this stuff?


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## NobodySpecial

I get disrespected. DH did this once. I was pissed. Like smoke coming out of my ears, spit flying from my mouth PISSED. For us, this was actually a one off brain fart of particularly big proportions. It does not sound like this for you and your husband. Your husband doesn't "get" that his fantasy land sexting and EA BS is ... not ok. If it were me, and I were inclined to work on the marriage, I would make marriage counseling a requirement. In my opinion, if you are anything but firm that this is a DEAL BREAKER, he will waffle, hedge, minimize, lie ...

Sucky. Sorry you are going through this.


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## 3Xnocharm

Very much so a huge betrayal and total disrespect! Your husband's online activities are completely out of line, and no, you should NOT be tolerating any of this. The emotional affair with his boss was cheating. His sending pics to another woman was cheating. His taking and sending a pic without your consent I believe is ILLEGAL. These would be dealbreakers for me, personally, and it sounds to me like they are for you too, you just arent sure what to do with it. You need to set boundaries and be prepared to follow through with ending things if those boundaries are crossed. Marriage counseling and keeping him off the internet should be required at minimum for you to stay in this. You COULD leave the choice up to him... "husband, if you wish to continue your online activities, I am not going to try and control you or stop you..you can proceed, just not with me in your life." Then you need to be prepared to follow through with ending it, otherwise he knows you are just blowing hot air, and none of this is going to change. This way you arent telling him what to do, just letting him know the consequence of his choice. 

I am so sorry you are dealing with this, I am constantly amazed at how ignorant people can be about how wrong and hurtful their online activities can be.


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## MattMatt

Your husband is a pervert. Why are you married to a pervert?

And he is cheating on you.


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## BioFury

MattMatt said:


> Your husband is a pervert. Why are you married to a pervert?
> 
> And he is cheating on you.


Perverts are the best people to be married to >

But yeah, he's gone off the deep end. OP, you need to stop tolerating this kind of behavior. You sound as though you've treated all that's happened as "no big deal". Why? It's not ok for your husband to be sexting other women, or sharing nude photos of himself, or you. Especially without your permission.

How are you not hulk-smashingly angry?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

At 38yrs old, being among the first generations the internet and social media being a normal and just another utility, like cable TV, is perhaps one of the reasons you aren't more mad and upset.

And accept that H being on websites where pictures are exchanged without drawing a hard lune.

Being in IT since I was 20, although I'm 56, the internet has always been just another thing to me, and nothing mysterious or "new", which makes it easier to say, don't freak out when others do, it's just a normal thing.

I say all this to say:

Young people today get too comfortable with the loss of privacy and increased chances for negative results when too much is shared.

You and H are in the gray area if that, it may seem like a normal thing to be on those sites, but with a deeper look, it isn't normal unless both spouses fully have embraced it beforehand. 

Even then it's not typical of a M couple. 

Deeper still; for a M man, it's disrespectful to his W, and more so if you already shared it's something you would prefer he not do.

It's ok to be mad, upset, and feel disrespected, and more, especially since he one upped himself and put a panty pic if you out there without your approval. 

Combined with a 20yr marriage he exacerbates the possibility of him scratching an itch he's feeling if in any right or mistakenly feels he's not getting his emotional needs met at home.

It's normal for marriages to have spouses have to rejuvenate things, good husbands and wive's look to each other to keep the spark alive. 

The more comfortable a young couple feels with online outlets because they've been exposed to it all their lives the deeper into sometimes harmful online activities an SO can get.

H needs to return his focus to you, and activities you both agree is ok, and both want to do.

Imho you should be more angry than you're letting on.

Not an impossible or insurmountable problem. This can work out.

Best,


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## uhtred

Really not OK at all. Nothing wrong with people sharing their *own* pictures but what he did is wrong and probably illegal.


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## wilson

Do you know how he secretly took your picture? You should not assume that picture was the first and only picture he's taken. I'm guessing it's just the only picture you know about.


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## Vinnydee

Your husband has a problem and sounds immature. You need to decide if you want to stay married to him or not. Adults rarely change, they just get better at hiding what they do.


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