# 3yrs married, she never trusted me.



## tomatoplace (Nov 30, 2008)

I love her, but I’m just burned out by her. I’m being trained for a nother job that will get us out of debt, set her up to go to school and get a career. I’ve become her ‘slave’ and I’ve change my entire life to try to make her happy and be able to trust me again. I want to set an limit to how long I’m going to put up with this, but I’m very loyal to her and I love her. I’m to the point of seriously thinking of divorce, but I don’t want to leave her with nothing b/c it’s me getting a career and setting us up. I feel I should at least stay with her till she’s out of school and has a good job, but I feel that would be a huge lie and a waste of both our lives by doing that.

I've lied to her, but I've never cheated on her, or even close to it. She's lazy and does low quality work. I've had to make deals with her boss to keep her on.

I want to fix the relaitionship or get out of it. Please help.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Do you have kids?


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

it's your porn, your masturbation. tell her to get over it.  And then do what she wants from you.
or tell her to leave. sounds like a b...h to me.


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## tomatoplace (Nov 30, 2008)

I'm beginging to think along the same ways.

I don't want it to be a divorce, this is the first time seeking outside advice.

Thank you for the advice and will be welcoming any others.


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## Jenni (Nov 30, 2008)

It sounds to me that there are a lot of issues here. Panic attacks are from feeling out of control. Obviously, she has anxieties because she has a hard time managing her life and if she is having trust issues she feels as the rug will be pulled off her feet at all times. Your porn habits make her feel ugly because of course, those girls do not look like the average women. She feels that your masturbation to those porn pics is cheating because you are entertaining sexual thoughts with other sexy women and they represent a threat to her. First of all, I would ask her if she loves you. If she does, then ask her what you could do to make things better even if it is a small change. She sounds overwhelmed and she is rebelling against coping with things. Try to concentrate on the most critical issues right now and leave the others for later. She feels like she got too much on her plate and she needs to prioritize. Regarding her weight, you know, there are ways you guys can deal with it without getting insulted or spending a lot of money. Go for walks after dinner, take her to a beautiful park with the excuse of getting fresh air and enjoy the view, take her window shopping or walk to the beach. She will feel more relaxed after that, she will get some exercise, help her mood and sleep better and it might help her try to do more on her own.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

You guys need to do boundary books together. you are not responsible for her, and she is not responsible for you either. you are both codependent, not just her. you've enabled her and she sits back and lets you. 

You've made a huge mistake with your lies. she is not overreacting. the sooner you get that notion out of your head, the better you'll be. 

your lies and your porn do more damage then you can imagine. i think she's worth more then you can ever give her and i hope she realizes how you've taken her feelings for granted. i hope she realizes you do not love her or you would not be treating her this way.

if you arent willing to realize the pain you've caused her, become humble, and work on yourself, then just leave now. don't waste her time anymore.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

Jenni said:


> It sounds to me that there are a lot of issues here. Panic attacks are from feeling out of control. Obviously, she has anxieties because she has a hard time managing her life and if she is having trust issues she feels as the rug will be pulled off her feet at all times. Your porn habits make her feel ugly because of course, those girls do not look like the average women. She feels that your masturbation to those porn pics is cheating because you are entertaining sexual thoughts with other sexy women and they represent a threat to her. First of all, I would ask her if she loves you. If she does, then ask her what you could do to make things better even if it is a small change. She sounds overwhelmed and she is rebelling against coping with things. Try to concentrate on the most critical issues right now and leave the others for later. She feels like she got too much on her plate and she needs to prioritize. Regarding her weight, you know, there are ways you guys can deal with it without getting insulted or spending a lot of money. Go for walks after dinner, take her to a beautiful park with the excuse of getting fresh air and enjoy the view, take her window shopping or walk to the beach. She will feel more relaxed after that, she will get some exercise, help her mood and sleep better and it might help her try to do more on her own.


:iagree:and remember you love her. these things should be fairly easy for you.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I've posted this in another thread, but when reading your original post I thought the affects of your lying and porn use may run deeper than you think:

From a woman's perspective it can leave her feeling very hurt:


I'm married to a stranger
What else is he lying about?
Going beyond 1-way viewing implies intention to cheat
I am not good enough, looks, sexually
He does not want to be in a monogamous marriage
He's fantasizing about other women when we have sex
He doesn't love me/respect me enough to put me above porn
He will probably only come clean with what I've found on my own
What didn't I find yet?
Do I even want to wait around for the next bomb to drop?

She may be feeling bad about herself, insecure within the marriage and the feelings of no control over whether you love her, find her attractive, will remain faithful may be increasing her anxiety. If you love her, talk to her about trust. I think it's important mainly for her sake that she learns to trust, but it will take time and effort on your part to live honestly, openly, nothing to hide so that she begins to feel less anxious.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

swedish said:


> I've posted this in another thread, but when reading your original post I thought the affects of your lying and porn use may run deeper than you think:
> 
> From a woman's perspective it can leave her feeling very hurt:
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Porn is a straw that can break the camels back for many relationships. Your lies compound the issue. Porn addiction is a serious matter, read the addiction section there are more issues with porn addiction than alcoholism. 

List what you like about her.

draconis


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## mdcr1980 (Dec 9, 2008)

My husband lied and cheated on me before we were married. Your post reminds me of us. I don't trust him still. But, he gives me a lot of reason not to. He says he's been faithful since we've been married, but I have a hard time believing him....since he has lied so much in the past. He too, has had a porn and masturbation issue for as long as I can remember. It makes me feel like I'm supposed to preform like a porn star in bed. I think to myself, is there something that I don't have that he needs porn to feel satisfied? 

Porn is an addiction just like alcohol or drugs. If you can't give that up, it says to her that you don't value your relationship. 

She sounds lazy because she may be depressed. She sounds depressed because of the relationship. 

This is just my opinion. Please don't take offense.


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## overitnolove (Dec 5, 2008)

tomatoplace said:


> I love her, but I’m just burned out by her. I’m being trained for a nother job that will get us out of debt, set her up to go to school and get a career. I’ve become her ‘slave’ and I’ve change my entire life to try to make her happy and be able to trust me again. I want to set an limit to how long I’m going to put up with this, but I’m very loyal to her and I love her. I’m to the point of seriously thinking of divorce, but I don’t want to leave her with nothing b/c it’s me getting a career and setting us up. I feel I should at least stay with her till she’s out of school and has a good job, but I feel that would be a huge lie and a waste of both our lives by doing that.
> 
> I've lied to her, but I've never cheated on her, or even close to it. She's lazy and does low quality work. I've had to make deals with her boss to keep her on.
> 
> ...


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