# Is marriage really all it's cracked up to be?



## honeysuckle rose (Jun 11, 2010)

If you don't want kids, is there even a point to marrying someone?

Everyone talks about not being alone & having someone to come home to. I am a loner, so I guess those things don't have any value to me.

it just seems like you do a lot of compromising & tolerating of things you don't like - for what? 

You can certainly live w/o the person, as you did before you knew him/her. What is so great about always being put out after you reach a certain age?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

honeysuckle rose said:


> If you don't want kids, is there even a point to marrying someone?
> 
> Everyone talks about not being alone & having someone to come home to. I am a loner, so I guess those things don't have any value to me.
> 
> ...


What do you mean by the bolded part? What has he done this time?

Marriage doesn't work for everyone. But for some, they enjoy the companionship and exclusivity. Throughout life, we compromise and tolerate many things we don't like. I don't even look at my marriage in that light. 

So, what happened?


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

honeysuckle rose said:


> it just seems like you do a lot of compromising & tolerating of things you don't like - for what?


Life itself is a lot of compromising & tolerating of things you don't like.
Is life really all that its cranked up to be?
Life i what you make it.
Marriage is what the two of you make it.

Two is much better than one.

Your view may vary.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'm a loner and yet it's nice to have at least ONE person that loves me. I think if you marry someone you love the benefits far outweigh the costs involved.


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## Jane_Doe (Aug 9, 2012)

I always preferred to be alone when I was growing up, and well into my 20's. I enjoyed my own company (more than I enjoyed most people's), and I'm pretty lazy so I like to veg out, do chores at my own pace (i.e slowly, or not at all), and when I had periods of social activity, nothing felt better than coming home (to my own place) and being quiet, alone, and relaxed. I was never pro-marriage, and had never really known any married couples, let alone happily married ones.

Then I met my husband, and being with him is exactly as amazing as being alone. Being with him doesn't feel like being 'social', because he immediately became part of me, like we're on the same brain wavelength or something.

Not to mention chores get done faster with two people doing them, and the lump sum in taxes he got returned just for being married was awesome, and considering my immigration status, nothing feels better than knowing that because marriage as an institution is so strong, that no force on this earth, not political or legal or physical, can ever keep us apart. Just feels amazing.

While I do want children, this time of being married without children has been so worth it. As far as any compromising we've done, it's mostly between 'what I/we want' vs. 'what he/we can afford' anyway, which is the kind of compromise we all have to make, single or married. None of us have unlimited finances.

So yes, for me marriage is definitely all it's cracked up to be (and more). Your results may vary.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I'm a hopeless romantic, so being married has fulfilled my dream of sharing my life with my lover. I have grown so much as a person through being married. My husband has shown me different ways of thinking. He helped me to overcome my disgust with being short. He has helped me to stop caring about what others think of me. He has taught me what it means to forgive another person, and to forgive myself for faults. 

Some days I am amazed that he loves me so much, but I can not imagine my life without sharing the joys and sorrows with him. He understands me; he knows me. There is something profound about being known by another human being.


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## Twofaces (Dec 5, 2011)

In a word. No. At least not for me.


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## honeysuckle rose (Jun 11, 2010)

Maricha75 said:


> What do you mean by the bolded part? What has he done this time?
> 
> Marriage doesn't work for everyone. But for some, they enjoy the companionship and exclusivity. Throughout life, we compromise and tolerate many things we don't like. I don't even look at my marriage in that light.
> 
> So, what happened?


Maricha, you are killing me. Thank you for making me smile.

Just tired of a grown man who seems to not understand boundaries, respect & my not trusting him w/ my heart. 

I work a lot & my job is 99.9% being put upon to make clients happy. I feel like I am always on the "defense," waiting for the next stupid thing he does that pisses me off. He never does things TO piss me off per se. He is just talented at doing just that. 

I am trying to figure out why I am even w/ him. A lot of times I am doing something I don't want to be doing (having sex, going somewhere I don't want to...) and feeling unhappy about it. 

I don't need him financially or for anything else really. So...what purport does our union serve?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## honeysuckle rose (Jun 11, 2010)

lovesherman said:


> I'm a hopeless romantic, so being married has fulfilled my dream of sharing my life with my lover. I have grown so much as a person through being married. My husband has shown me different ways of thinking. He helped me to overcome my disgust with being short. He has helped me to stop caring about what others think of me. He has taught me what it means to forgive another person, and to forgive myself for faults.
> 
> Some days I am amazed that he loves me so much, but I can not imagine my life without sharing the joys and sorrows with him. He understands me; he knows me. There is something profound about being known by another human being.


I am so happy for you. This is what I always dreamed of for myself. He loves me a lot. But as time goes on, I don't feel so strongly anymore. I think we are the wrong people for each other. It is a wondrous thing to have what you do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## honeysuckle rose (Jun 11, 2010)

Jane_Doe said:


> I always preferred to be alone when I was growing up, and well into my 20's. I enjoyed my own company (more than I enjoyed most people's), and I'm pretty lazy so I like to veg out, do chores at my own pace (i.e slowly, or not at all), and when I had periods of social activity, nothing felt better than coming home (to my own place) and being quiet, alone, and relaxed. I was never pro-marriage, and had never really known any married couples, let alone happily married ones.
> 
> Then I met my husband, and being with him is exactly as amazing as being alone. Being with him doesn't feel like being 'social', because he immediately became part of me, like we're on the same brain wavelength or something.
> 
> ...


My results do vary. Too bad for me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## honeysuckle rose (Jun 11, 2010)

Maricha75 said:


> What do you mean by the bolded part? What has he done this time?
> 
> Marriage doesn't work for everyone. But for some, they enjoy the companionship and exclusivity. Throughout life, we compromise and tolerate many things we don't like. I don't even look at my marriage in that light.
> 
> So, what happened?


After a certain age, you don't have to or don't feel inclined to be bothered w/ things or people that irritate you. If you don't need man in a practical way, what's the point? I am self-sufficient & would rather be by myself than tolerate crap that I don't have to. I am tired of comprising for what I feel is no return on my investment. 

Smoking dope w/ your friends &going to strip clubs after a certain age just seems pathetic.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

For me personally, I have an annoying sexual organ which from time to time... takes over the decision-making processes in my brain. My body only has enough blood to run one system at a time, and the sexual organ tends to get priority.

But, if I had to make the choice again. No I wouldn't have married. The whole arrangement is doing my head in. It just works for some, doesn't work for others, but for me -> I just fell into the trap of the mating ritual.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

honeysuckle rose said:


> If you don't want kids, is there even a point to marrying someone?
> 
> Everyone talks about not being alone & having someone to come home to. I am a loner, so I guess those things don't have any value to me.
> 
> ...


Marriage isn't for everyone so yes and no. I think people who are comfortable in their own skin and ok with being alone at least have a choice about it. Too many people settle because they're afraid of being alone. Or they hop from one relationship to the next usually cheating in the process.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

honeysuckle rose said:


> After a certain age, you don't have to or don't feel inclined to be bothered w/ things or people that irritate you. If you don't need man in a practical way, what's the point? I am self-sufficient & would rather be by myself than tolerate crap that I don't have to. I am tired of comprising for what I feel is no return on my investment.
> 
> Smoking dope w/ your friends &going to strip clubs after a certain age just seems pathetic.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This sounds very much like a husband problem and not a marriage problem.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

She stuck with you for 7 years without commitment? Heh you're really lucky mate.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Honeysuckle,

From your posts, I would think for you marriage, isn't what it's cracked up to be and I would just get out.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

lovesherman said:


> I'm a hopeless romantic, so being married has fulfilled my dream of sharing my life with my lover. I have grown so much as a person through being married. My husband has shown me different ways of thinking. He helped me to overcome my disgust with being short. He has helped me to stop caring about what others think of me. He has taught me what it means to forgive another person, and to forgive myself for faults.
> 
> Some days I am amazed that he loves me so much, but I can not imagine my life without sharing the joys and sorrows with him. He understands me; he knows me. There is something profound about being known by another human being.


This is how I/we feel....Me & mine are both pathetic Hopeless Romantics... last night a song came on...

I grabbed him & we danced...it was ...Even Though We Ain't Got Money, I'm so in love with you Honey ..... a few minutes earlier I was talking about how so many on this forum seem to get off on brow beating Nice Guys....saying they are all clingy, weak, and women loose attraction to them... my Husband listens and says back....."what's wrong with clingy?"...

Moments later when we danced.... he looks down at me & says "If you wasn't clingy, you wouldn't be mushy"... I think he's right... so :wtf:WTF... I'm clingy then... and you know what... He loves it ... and I love it .... I buried my face in his chest and teared up, so thankful we have each other & feel this connection Alive & full, nothing in life can compare with that. 

Marriage is not a chore to me....I love pleasing my man.... having him walk into my life has been the greatest blessing I have ever known... If that makes me weak, vulnerable, needy , pathetic even...that I need, want & crave my husband like a thirsty flower every day.... I'll take that.









I'd rather not be alone. But that's me... He used to be somewhat of a self admitted Loner... that all changed when we met.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

What is a 27 year marriage to me, an introvert who thinks a perfect day involves a good book and quite possibly no other human on the planet?

It doesn't matter, because I'm me and you're you. If you have to ask the question, you probably already know the answer.


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## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

honeysuckle rose said:


> If you don't want kids, is there even a point to marrying someone?
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


yes.at least I and STBXH did. we both agreed not to have children since we were dating.
7 billion humans and counting, and here every married couple have 2-4 kids and life is getting hard. they believe that their children will take good care of them when the time calls; and i hate this idea. it's like raising children is a debt or investment you can collect later. maybe that puts me in the misanthropic zone, but i really don't see the reason of why we have to contribute to the gene pool or force my kids to do something they don't want to.



honeysuckle rose said:


> What is so great about always being put out after you reach a certain age?


everybody dies, and im happy to die by my own terms. not that great, but death itself is neither great - not great.it's just death.


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## Malcolm38 (Dec 25, 2012)

No. I am very glad to have my two children, but the marriage part is bringing me down. I think it would be better to just be single and not deal with it anymore.


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

My marriage wasn't worth it. I thought it was, but it turned out to be a lie. So is marriage worth it? Probably not for me. I can't speak for every one, though.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> I'm a loner and yet it's nice to have at least ONE person that loves me. I think if you marry someone you love the benefits far outweigh the costs involved.


What does this post, as well as several others that talk about being with someone you love, have to do with being married versus being in a committed relationship?

There seems to be this general misconception that "being married" gives a couple something they can't get if they don't exchange rings and never say their vows. Which most of the time end up being broken anyway.

Marriage just makes it harder to get out of a bad relationship and makes cheating more likely.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

stopandmakecoffee said:


> yes.at least I and STBXH did. we both agreed not to have children since we were dating.
> 7 billion humans and counting, and here every married couple have 2-4 kids and life is getting hard. *they believe that their children will take good care of them when the time calls;* and i hate this idea. it's like raising children is a debt or investment you can collect later. maybe that puts me in the misanthropic zone, *but i really don't see the reason of why we have to contribute to the gene pool or force my kids to do something they don't want to*.


 We have 6 (every one wanted / planned).... and I just want to say.... I so do not look upon my children like this...I know my husband feels the same...

If there is anything in this world I *don't* want... it is to be a burden to any of them in my/our old age... I can hardly stand to be a "burden" or have anyone do anything for me out of obligation... or feeling they Need too / a pay back..... I'd rather be alone, even die alone... If Love is not given freely and of it's own will... it is worth very little to me. 

I actually felt "selfish" for wanting my children... in it's own way....because I realize the world *IS* overpopulated (wouldn't argue for a second)......but I felt they would be such a JOY to raise ...and for the most part... they ARE.... can't imagine our life without them in it...or our marriage just the 2 of us... that would be mighty *B O R I N G *...for the type of people we are.

We enjoy the daily chaos, they keep us on our toes, they bring so much laughter, they make us proud, we've met some wonderful people through their friendships- that has touched our lives.. We open our house to their friends. It's just our thing. 

Even with this many, I think I'll ball when the last one leaves the nest, but when they do.... I know MY PLACE.... they have their own lives to lead, live & enjoy...and to the fullest, their own families to grow.... I will NOT expect anything from my children...I will look upon the time I had to raise them as the happiest days of our life...* a privilege to have been given that opportunity. *

It's one area in our lives to give & love unconditionally...and somehow.... we enjoy the hell out of it. 

Like this book...the







The Giving Tree







... this story can be taken 2 ways... it can be looked upon as very Sad, a little twisted, SICK infact... you give & give & give until you are withered old & ugly & the one you gave to ...cuts you, uses your wood to further their lives...until their is nothing left but a stump , then sits on you !! ....









....or you could see this as Pure *Unconditional Love*...and the ending says ....*"and the Tree was happy"*. 

Funny how people can take a Children's book & get so many varying interpretations.... but this also can apply for Marriage, living life itself... and children .


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Without reading the entire thread, or your backstory Honeysuckle, I will just react to the topic headline... I have come to the conclusion, while it is entirely personal for everyone, for me the only two reasons that make any sense are to raise a family or if you are religious. Though I suppose it could also be if you are not necessarily religious but you still want to enter into a sacred covenant - because it's still entirely possible for people to have a committed, exclusive relationship and companionship without having to make public vows. If I ever marry again it surely won't be because of my desire to have a wedding or engage in matrimony, but for the right woman I could certainly accommodate that, and even take my vows seriously (though I don't believe I could do a very religious ceremony, would kinda make me a hypocrite).


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I haven't figured out the benefits of marriage yet.But then again I'm still young so I've got time to make sense of it all

My SO,while trying to get me to say I'd at least consider getting married again one day,put it to me this way: "I know you don't need me financially and I know you're strong enough to survive the world on your own but what's wrong with wanting to prove to someone you have the highest level of commitment toward making a life with them?It isn't about God and it isn't about stability.It's a promise that we will be together for the rest of our lives.Marriage is unity.Marriage to me means we'll always come first to each other.It means we'll always have each others backs and when things get rough we'll know we still have that promise and each other.Not getting married to you would make me feel incomplete in a sense that we haven't fully given ourselves to each other."

He had more to say on the topic but this is the basic gist of what was on his mind.

Unfortunately,while I adore him,I haven't fully worked out my opinion on why marriage is something I should do again and I still haven't worked out what it means to me.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

sharkeey said:


> What does this post, as well as several others that talk about being with someone you love, have to do with being married versus being in a committed relationship?
> 
> There seems to be this general misconception that "being married" gives a couple something they can't get if they don't exchange rings and never say their vows. Which most of the time end up being broken anyway.
> 
> Marriage just makes it harder to get out of a bad relationship and makes cheating more likely.


Of course marriage gives you something that you don't get from just living together. Why have any contract, vow, or law? Would you buy a house without a contract? Enter into a multi-million dollar business deal without a contract?

People need the formality of laws, contracts, and vows to publically declare commitment, to have legally enforceable boundaries that society will recognize so that when the going gets tough, we have a structure to keep us from walking away from our commitments. Marriage also provides security and safety for the raising of children.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

It depends on who you marry OP.

That is all


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## Viseral (Feb 25, 2011)

lovesherman said:


> Of course marriage gives you something that you don't get from just living together. Why have any contract, vow, or law? Would you buy a house without a contract? Enter into a multi-million dollar business deal without a contract?
> 
> People need the formality of laws, contracts, and vows to publically declare commitment, to have legally enforceable boundaries that society will recognize so that when the going gets tough, we have a structure to keep us from walking away from our commitments. Marriage also provides security and safety for the raising of children.


And this is exactly what's wrong with no-fault divorce. It's the only legal contract where the person breaking the contract suffers no consequences.

If there are no consequences to breaking the contract, then what good is the contract to begin with? 

Would any sane person enter into a multi-billion dollar contract claiming that the defaulting party will not be held responsible for breaking the contract?

It should be called "no-responsibility divorce"


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

lovesherman said:


> Of course marriage gives you something that you don't get from just living together. Why have any contract, vow, or law? Would you buy a house without a contract? Enter into a multi-million dollar business deal without a contract?
> 
> People need the formality of laws, contracts, and vows to publically declare commitment, to have legally enforceable boundaries that society will recognize so that when the going gets tough, we have a structure to keep us from walking away from our commitments. Marriage also provides security and safety for the raising of children.


I agree with this.If for no other reason if you are going to be in a committed relationship including sharing of finances it better protects you financially if something happens like one of you dies or if you decide to break up mutually or one just decides to walk out of the relationship.

An example my son.His GF got pregnant she actually wanted to get married he didnt (he didnt see what the point was) even though he was committed to her and wanted to move in with her and be together as far as he was concerned forever and raise the child together.His credit sucked (well more like he had not buillt any credit IOW credit "clear" ) so she secured the apt.And she bought a car in her name that my sister actually co-signed on.He moved in .She had a better job full time with benefits they could not afford full time day care so my son agreed to stay home part time I kept the baby the rest of the time so he could work PT.So she was able to hold a better job and move up the ladder to even a better job.My son's contribution was childcare(which is expensive) as well as he paid the rent (all of it) with his earnings she would have not been able to afford the car payment..or all the rent and full time childcare child support would have been a fraction of what he invested in the relationship .Not only that he helped pay for the furnishings/appliances ..etc...3 years later ...she decided it wasn't working out.And in a nutshell made him leave.So he leaves ON FOOT (no vehicle) with not enough income to pay for his own place and a vehicle including he still had no credit because everything was in her name..in a very poor position to run out and find a full time job to support himself.The car was hers the rest of the property was technically hers because possesion is 9/10ths of the law a judge will not hash out or hear a BF and GF argue over pots and pans..So he had nothing.Not even a toaster to his name.Also the other point is since the apt was leased in her name and they weren't married she had the right to throw him out on the street with no notice.Had they been married he could have refused to vacate until a judge decided who was to leave on TOP of without a marriage he had no rights to the child because no marriage/ no custody order in place he was out.Even though she didn't try and keep him from the child she could have until he went to court to get an order.

Had they been married sure they would have had to go to court but he would have had automatic rights to the child and a judge would have forced them to divide the property up too.So at least he would have had something to his name.They might have even ordered her to pay him a settlement even if it was small for the value of the car.At least he would have had more recourse.

HA ...story not over..She changed her mind 6 months later..They just got married on DEC 8th and baby #2 is on the way.Due in July.Did you hear that ?My son changed his mind about "no point in marriage"


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

My wife said to me not long ago that one of the greatest moments in her life was the first time I addressed her as "Mrs Dad&Hubby". I shared with her that it was also a great moment for me as well.

There's something very special about marriage because it is larger than each individual. You are agreeing to become one entity. You both can have your individual personalities, interests etc. but you are united. 

A relationship still has it's element of selfishness, a marriage shouldn't.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

For me, if the Good Lord said to me that I get a mulligan, I would take it. Been married 10 years, and honestly, all in all, I'd rather be single. Now, I have expanded my friend network greatly, and I adore my children, but issues such as my wife's immaturity, lack of self-esteem (which manifests itself in bossing me around, which my non-Alpha personality in wanting to avoid conflict doesn't help), and lack of sex drive (haven't had sex in well over a year) leave me wondering what the hell I was thinking. 

I do know that she loves me, and would do anything for me. I just get tired of the issues. Sometimes I think everything is OK, then something invariably happens to make me wish I could wake up and realize it's ten years earlier and it was all a dream.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

I`m torn on marriage.

I got married young. When I was 21, my ex-girlfriend/booty-call got pregnant...even her mom thought she tried to get pregnant on purpose so she could keep me in her life(told me it was safe to "leave a deposit", when it turned out to be her most fertile time).

Anyways, she wanted to keep the baby, I offered marriage, she declined but moved in with me. At 8 months pregnant, she asked me to marry her and I accepted her.

So we got married for the wrong reasons. Barely had sex, but another child came along 2 yrs later. Tried to work it out for 12yrs, but after severe lack of sex, cruel behavior on her part, laziness and refusing to work or perform SAHM duties, counselling, I eventually threw in the towel and suggested separation.

Within a month of separating, found out she was banging someone else. She then took almost everything in the divorce, house, car, trailer, RRSP`s(also half my pension), even though she had never worked a day of our marriage.

So I moved on too. I had developed some feelings for a female work friend of mine, and she me, and we became friends with benefits (honestly, at first I thought she was giving me sympathy sex because of my situation). I had known her for about 2 yrs, only saw her like once a week in passing or for the odd group lunch, never one on one. Turned out she was going through something similar at the time, and it was nice to have someone to talk to.

I felt horrible being with someone else. For me it was pure revenge sex, even though I really liked this new girl as a dear friend. Still, she and I were there for each other during each others breakups, and both of us had needs. We loved hanging out, talking, eating, etc., and having sex with someone made it easier to cope.

Fast forward 2.5 years, she and I are still together. She stayed with me through my divorce, and is my best friend. We learned during our relationship that we love the same foods, we love fitness and exercise, we love health and travel...we are really good for each other and with each other. I love her very much and she me.

Now the brass tax....she has never been married. I have.
she has never had kids. I have (14 and 12yr old), and I have had a vasectomy before meeting her.
I am 36, she is 33. To be with me, she gave up the dream of ever having kids (I'm not interested in adoption or reverse-vas). She also know that I never want to get married again. 

She came from a traditional christian family, though her and I are not religious at all. I had a sit down with her parents when they confronted me about marriage and kids, and I was honest with them. The family has accepted me and treats me wonderfully. 

Now...we are very romantic with each other. We have tons of passion, our holidays are super sexy, it's just really intimate almost all the time. Because of this, we have toyed with the idea of possibly getting married one day. There are some guidelines:

-legit pre-nup notarized and signed before hand (I have to protect myself and my kids, first and foremost...not gonna get fleeced again)
-legit post-nup notarized and signed at the reception. I don't know too much about these, but I would want full legal protection for my assets.

We have separate bills, and that would never change. If we did get married and it failed, I'm not giving up what I worked for...and if there is a chance, I'm not getting married.

I don't want to ever get burned again. I worked years of hard labor, day and night, and went to night school, worked weekends, did side jobs, sacrificed so hard for someone who never appreciated it, it still hurts me to this day. There is no way in hell I would ever put myself in that position again.

My girlfriend is the one who brought up the pre-nup. She said she would sign anything I wanted, or she would accept never marrying, just as long as she gets to be with me forever. That really made me reconsider "never marrying again".

If we do, it will include the "nups" and will be a wonderful romantic expression of our love...one day, many years from now. 

Sorry for rambling.


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## Viseral (Feb 25, 2011)

tulsy said:


> I`m torn on marriage.
> 
> I got married young. When I was 21, my ex-girlfriend/booty-call got pregnant...even her mom thought she tried to get pregnant on purpose so she could keep me in her life(told me it was safe to "leave a deposit", when it turned out to be her most fertile time).
> 
> ...


Great post. I'm in the exact same situation and feel the exact same way.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Viseral said:


> Great post. I'm in the exact same situation and feel the exact same way.


Thank you Viseral. I know we are not alone.

Life is a hard learning experience, but with the right steps it can get better.


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## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> We have 6 (every one wanted / planned).... and I just want to say.... I so do not look upon my children like this...I know my husband feels the same...
> 
> If there is anything in this world I *don't* want... it is to be a burden to any of them in my/our old age... I can hardly stand to be a "burden" or have anyone do anything for me out of obligation... or feeling they Need too / a pay back..... I'd rather be alone, even die alone... If Love is not given freely and of it's own will... it is worth very little to me.
> 
> ...


i didn't make generalization back there 
that's just what i see on daily basis here in where i live.
i dont mind with people who put all their heart and mind to raise,love and support their children.that's responsible parenting and i admire that  it takes lot of strength, patience, and all. i do admire such parents

but,

if you were me, or at least spend couple of years here in where i live, you'll get my point about [marriage and] children.
here, children aren't 'just' children. frequently, children are the extension of a man's pride, that he's able to conceive his wife. no children will automatically translated that the wife is defective.children belong to their parents, like possession. parents are always right, etc. it's agricultural values against modern world. even more ridiculuous, there's a famous saying here : 'more children, more bliss'. most of the people have children without plan it out. they just do it. they believe that each child will have their own 'bliss' for their parents to raise them [financially]. no health insurance, education plan, they just wing it along the way. it's sickening for me to see this as my reality and there's a 'movement' amongst youngsters my age who happen to be less 'traditional' or 'agricultural' to want a childfree marriage.
here, every aspects of our lives controlled by the elders/society/family. where we go to school, whom with we marry, how the wedding goes, when to have baby, etc.ugly facts, unlike the way it is in developed countries.even taking birth control pills makes people think that a woman is a wh*** because she only wants sex.older generation still frown on condoms, birth control pills, etc. it's a sin to them. it's just doesn't make sense to me, and those facts smother me. it's my uterus, my body.


there it is,that's my reality in my 3rd world country.
i don't oppose parenthood as a whole, but here, decent parenting is as rare as a mutant. so if there are lucky and devoted coupled who raise their children not as their posssession, but as individuals with their own minds, respect them and love them unconditionally, Sir, I applaud those people 

just my humble opinion


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

You do not want children
You give no value to coming home to some one
You do not like compromising
You do not like tolerating things you do not like
You say that you get no respect in marriage
You do not trust your marriage partner
Your husband pisses you off
You are not happy about having to do sex sometimes
You do not need a marriage to be financially secure
You do not need a man in a practical way
You do not need your husband for anything else
Your husband smokes dope and goes to strip clubs
You prefer to be alone



*Why the hell you are still married?*

Your marriage is NOT all that marriage is cracked up to be; in fact *your marriage is just plain cracked.*

You sound like a very self reliant person that is a good citizen. If you really are all those things you d said you are then in this marriage you are like a fish out of water.

In addition to your stated personality not being conducive to marriage your punk AZZ husband is a person that likes to fuzz up his mind with dope and prefers to get his hard-ons with paid strippers that would not care if his dik fell off.


I hope that you get a better life as you seem to be a decent person


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## JaySt. (May 15, 2012)

I think marriage can be a timing thing really. It's unfortunate to say, but it is likely that not every human being will meet a man/woman in their lifetime that is actually ideal for them. Said person hooks up with the incorrect person anyway, and marriage/kids later some problems ensue and divorce results. I have many friends I think married the wrong person and only time will tell if I was right.

Sometimes it's personality too. Some people just don't think marriage is for them and want the freedom to do whatever they want any time they want in their lifetime, and believe a wife/children would hold them back. Although I will admit sometimes even the people who despise the idea of marriage the most meet the right person and give up their individualistic ideals. And sometimes even these are the marriages that last the longest and are the happiest.

I agree though that the enjoyment of hitting up bars on the weekends and perusing match.com for cheap dates has its expiration in just about every human being. When one's disinterest in those extracurricular activities syncs up with the timing of meeting the right person for you is probably when marriage is at its most successful rate, no matter what kind of personality you have. Unfortunately the percentage of people getting married is far greater than the percentage of people getting married to the right person at the right time, which leads more people to divorce and more people to a genuine disinterest in marriage at all.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

tulsy said:


> I`m torn on marriage.
> 
> I got married young. When I was 21, my ex-girlfriend/booty-call got pregnant...even her mom thought she tried to get pregnant on purpose so she could keep me in her life(told me it was safe to "leave a deposit", when it turned out to be her most fertile time).
> 
> ...


Man she sound like pure evil.
sorry you went through that.

Do you have your kids ?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

sharkeey said:


> What does this post, as well as several others that talk about being with someone you love, have to do with being married versus being in a committed relationship?
> 
> There seems to be this general misconception that "being married" gives a couple something they can't get if they don't exchange rings and never say their vows. Which most of the time end up being broken anyway.
> 
> Marriage just makes it harder to get out of a bad relationship and makes cheating more likely.


I take back what I said. Yes my marriage is happy NOW it wasn't for oh forever.

If it wasn't for my desire to have kids I would have/should have passed on getting married.


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

honeysuckle rose said:


> If you don't want kids, is there even a point to marrying someone?


If you want to know the legal reasons, Google why gays want to be married. Some that I know off hand are:
-spousal insurance
-spousal pension
-spousal "income splitting" for tax purposes
-legal claim to ownership of shared property 

My parents were married until one died, and they took advantage of all of those things. They had awesome double insurance coverage, my mom is getting my dead dad's pension, income splitting saved thousands in taxes, and mom didn't need to do any fighting to continue living in the house. If the house was only willed to her, it would sit in limbo for months while lawyers and the government screw around and waste time.

My gf is in the hospital, and I have no legal rights because we are not married. I can't look at or sign anything, I'm not considered family, etc. Right now she's under the guardianship of her parents.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

A few random thoughts on the topic:

If you marry a person you're suppose to, absolutely.

I can tell you that I believe marriage is not for everyone. 

In today's society I do believe marriage should be much rarer.

Marriage, historically, has meant different things to different people, societies, and cultures. 

I believe, whatever your reasons for marrying, they have to be based in a strong belief in being married for reasons that work for you.

For me? I don't know if marriage would be worth it with anyone else but the woman I am wed to. 

I also believe in the spiritual-physical bond of marriage. I believe that sealing that vow, before my God, my wife, and myself, represented a very real spiritual bonding. Sex is the physiological confirmation of a spiritual consummation.

All it is is a combination of two people, coming together on one accord. It's a mistake to think of a marriage as something separate from you, and him, as if it's an autonomous entity.

I think a lot of people would be far happier in marriages that truly accommodated who they, and their spouse, really is. A lot of marriages fail because two people are doing what they believe married people "should" do, are trying to emulate what they see in other marriages, and are creating relationships that aren't really serving either one's true needs at all.

I am a person who enjoys being alone. Marriage has not challenged that much. Sometimes I still feel single, and that is not a bad thing. My wife and I are bonded, but in some areas lead separate lives. Others would find this detrimental, but we do not. We don't believe marriage should be an excuse to give up who you are, what you need, or what you enjoy. 

Marriage, for me, is making two lives work at the same time. It is not sacrificing my life for her, or her life for me.

We give each other a lot of breathing room, especially her me, because I need it far more than she does.

I have been in love with her since I was 19 years old. I am in my early 30's now. I am still in love. I stay in love. I would not be married without that vital, important emotion.

I did not marry to have children. Children would be a byproduct of my marriage, but not a justification for it's existence.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

OP the fix for a bad marriage is divorce. Why do you stay if you are so miserable?

I was with my ex for 17 or so years, I ended my marriage 3 years ago. I don't have regrets, am not bitter and twisted.

I still view marriage as a positive life experience because within a marriage we learn about ourselves and grow. Just happened that the learning and growing I did led me to end the marriage. So be it, it made me who I am today. Ex and I are friends, we co parent better than most intact families, we are both very much on the ball when it comes to our kids.

I would do it again and this time go into it being so much more in tune with what I need and want in a partner. More realistic about life and with someone that is a true match for me.


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

Being married is awesome. I look forward to every minute I spend with hubby.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Marriage obviously fulfills some important purpose beyond child-rearing. My grandparents have been married over 75 years and only 20 or so of those years were involved in parenting. In basically every culture and for thousands of years, males have been pairing up with females and living together their entire lives. We don't have kids at home these days but my life wouldn't be as complete without my wife. I don't know if I could articulate exactly what she adds to my life but I know that when I'm deployed or otherwise gone for a long time, I don't feel exactly "right" or complete. She irritates me at times but she also fills in my gaps and makes me see and think things I would otherwise miss. I just wouldn't be quite as much without her as I am because of her. I fill in her weak spaces, too, and I must be adding something to her life because she hasn't ran me off, killed me, or left.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

If you have a good marriage (two people, actually in love, really committed, trying to make it work), then yes marriage is all that it's cracked up to be. For most people, commitment and love vary and so do levels of satisfaction.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Sometimes it's right and it feels natural. I feel lucky or blessed anyway. Maybe a lot of family members prayed for me and now I'm the benefactor of it or something. Then again, I'm pretty arrogant so my wife is damn lucky too .

Thinking about growing old with my wife and taking care of her sure does make me happy. Maybe I'm setting myself up for dissapointment but I hope not. I wrote her a letter for her birthday one year and that's the specific thing (growing old together) that seemed to make her the sappiest.

No marriage is a fairy tale but it doesn't require a fairy tale. Just a really good marriage with two responsible people.

NOTE: My wife's not on TAM. I suppose her input would be required to REALLY know if I'm delusional or not


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Mine is.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

stopandmakecoffee said:


> i didn't make generalization back there
> that's just what i see on daily basis here in where i live.
> i dont mind with people who put all their heart and mind to raise,love and support their children.that's responsible parenting and i admire that  it takes lot of strength, patience, and all. i do admire such parents


 This is good to hear ..... but not everyone feels this way...so I took a moment to explain. 



> if you were me, or at least spend couple of years here in where i live, you'll get my point about [marriage and] children.
> here, children aren't 'just' children. frequently, children are the extension of a man's pride, that he's able to conceive his wife. no children will automatically translated that the wife is defective.children belong to their parents, like possession. parents are always right, etc. it's agricultural values against modern world. even more ridiculuous, there's a famous saying here : 'more children, more bliss'. most of the people have children without plan it out. they just do it. they believe that each child will have their own 'bliss' for their parents to raise them [financially]. no health insurance, education plan, they just wing it along the way. it's sickening for me to see this as my reality and there's a 'movement' amongst youngsters my age who happen to be less 'traditional' or 'agricultural' to want a childfree marriage.


 I am more Traditionally minded myself -compared to many Modernists...but I don't feel anyone , man or woman , should do something if their whole







is not into it...or without a "nesting plan" to assure a decent future for the children they bring into this world. .... not in this land of freedom.... 

What I learned from my own Mother was this...she wanted a career but got married at 18 & had me instead....she sacrificed her dreams, BIG MISTAKE...

I was a 180 from her...and just wanted a family of my own (I hated being an only child). To this day, me & her have very little in common - she was visiting yesterday...we were talking about something....and she said to me.... " I don't know how you came out of my body" - because we think so damn differently! Like on almost everything...

She loves the city - I HATE the city, she is attracted to rough men, I love the Gentleman type, she lives alone, doesn't need a man, I LIVE for Romance...she hates Dresses, I Love dresses... Family life would bore her to tears/ she'd feel trapped... she'd rather have Freedom to come & go...she never stays home, I am a homebody... 

We need to know what we want out of life...and go for it... like this song..  It's My Life ...it's now or never, I ain't gonna life forever, I just want to live while I'm alive ... my heart is like an open highway, I think I should have did it MY WAY...

We should all LIVE our Passion, whatever that is. This is what brings us happiness. If we hate our lot in life, we will be a miserable person just striving to get through the day.



> here, every aspects of our lives controlled by the elders/society/family. where we go to school, whom with we marry, how the wedding goes, when to have baby, etc.ugly facts, unlike the way it is in developed countries.even taking birth control pills makes people think that a woman is a wh*** because she only wants sex.older generation still frown on condoms, birth control pills, etc. it's a sin to them. it's just doesn't make sense to me, and those facts smother me. it's my uterus, my body.


 I am not for control in these ways, FREEDOM & Democracy is the greatest Blessing Man has on this earth....(and women).... We just need to be careful not to abuse it and hurt others with it. 

When women are married against their will, this is WRONG, having children cause it is EXPECTED, this is also WRONG. NO good comes from "force"..... Freedom of choice & planning one's life around the heart ....when one has a passion for what they do, or bring forth (children).. is what it should all be about. Or so I feel. 



> there it is,that's my reality in my 3rd world country.
> i don't oppose parenthood as a whole, but here, decent parenting is as rare as a mutant.* so if there are lucky and devoted coupled who raise their children not as their posssession, but as individuals with their own minds*, *respect them and love them unconditionally*, Sir, I applaud those people


 Yes, it should be that way, I agree.


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