# 8 years of marriage now separated [ FIRST TWO WEEKS] Advice?



## HeartbrokenFlowerchild86 (Apr 14, 2015)

It's been 16 days since my husband decided to tell me he didn't love me anymore, he no longer wanted this home or this life and he was leaving me. He felt this was the best for the both of us. There is nobody else. He was unhappy. We have no kids, just a dog.

Although he thought my job was cooler than his, we get paid the same, I have just been exposed to more training than he has only because of how our companies work. I was always sure to support him and his decisions, and talk to him about what he wanted to do. He always resented me working the job I did, and the fact he didn't get a call when he applied but I had brushed it off explaining my company wasn't that amazing anyway. Even when things got tough I contemplated working with him to which he refused to let me apply for.

I was completely blindsided by his actions because although we have had some conflict, I always thought we could talk our issues over and sort them out. Yes, he had been pretty passive aggressive for a while and I had confronted this behavior over and over but to no avail, he would not acknowledge my view. When he said he was leaving he said I didn't respect him and he felt undervalued. I had thrown him a birthday party (even got a brazilian wax for him) and bought him several gifts only two weeks earlier.

I was also granted a promotion at my work that would allow me to work from home and we were supposed to celebrate that afternoon.

Because we were so young when we got married, I always opted for cultivating our friendship so we could talk comfortably about our emotions , goals, life, etc. But it seems he became unhappy and decided to not share his views with me . I am trying to be calm and understanding based on the fact that our relationship has always been based in the love we feel for each other unconditionally. I went through counseling about 3 years ago when I felt reaching a bottom. I was really depressed but he opted out of going himself, since he said he didn't need it. I am now seeing two counselors (including the same that saw me 3 years ago) and a psychiatrist.

We talked in person 24 hours after he left, it was a calm and collected conversation where he kept emphasizing this would only be difficult for me, he didn't let me be affectionate with him or hug him or anything. It seemed he was miles away, and it was a bit surreal but I held it together and said I respected his choice and that maybe this was good for us after all. I had cried a lot all through the night, so I did not cry in front of him. 

So I am keeping NC. We have only talked a few times about money and our dog, which is currently at his parents and ill be able to see her soon. I am trying to love him in silence and allow him all the space he needs and remain polite through our dialog. 

My over-thinking and sadness is difficult to control. I have never been on my own until now and the feeling my best friend has given up is very devastating. Friends and family have been supportive but I can't help to have moments in which anxiety just takes over and I start to shake in panic.

My best friend is gone and we had just renewed vows a few years back as well. My heart breaks every time I think about it. Therapy helps with the guilt, but its hard to spend time at home at night creating new routines and taking things one day at the time.

I apologize for jumping all over the place, this is a crazy time. I don't know how this will all play out but I hope we can become better people from this. But this is certainly the road less traveled for me and I would much appreciate any advice this community can offer me. Thank you in advance.





**tl;dr**: Husband left, first time separated, confused, sad and needing advice.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Sounds like he was just jealous of your promotion. It should have been a joy to him.

I know you are hurting right now, but in time you will see that you are better off without someone who cannot share in your joys. 

He is insecure. He has to work on that, or he will never be happy.

I am so glad you have your good job. Hold on to that good fortune. It is more reliable than he was.


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

Maybe you were too young when you committed. And really, having a re-commitment ceremony so early in a marriage seems unusual...were one or both of you insecure? Had either of you dated others much before getting together? He may have some jealousy issues or simply immaturity. Best to leave him be for now. He may begin to miss you, but I would insist on joint counseling if he wants to reunite.


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## HeartbrokenFlowerchild86 (Apr 14, 2015)

Thank you for your insight dear. Yes this reaction from him always ticked me. I am from a different country originally and he asked me two or three time (because I remember well) how was it possible that I had gotten a call from that company instead of him since he was native from this country (US).
This seemed like such an ignorant thing to say at the time, but I told him that was not it at all and always told him I'd refer him so he could get in if that what he wanted.
As of late, I started to discourage him because I knew the jobe would not be what he was expecting and it was becoming very stressful, yet he didn't understand.

Our communication was really messed up. I tried to fix it but it was the most difficult thing...


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## HeartbrokenFlowerchild86 (Apr 14, 2015)

We renewed our vows 5 years into it because we recognized the hard times and recognized the love we had for each other, went to Las Vegas and did it. It was like a starting over for me, but you may be right when it comes to maturity. Sometimes I shred every memory in my head to try and find the fault and its just so painful. Thank you for your advice dear.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Why didn't you have children?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Why are you so sure there's nobody else?


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Yes, check the cell phone bill


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## HeartbrokenFlowerchild86 (Apr 14, 2015)

*First:*
We didn't have children because we understood we were very young and we wanted to grow, enjoy the relationship and travel before we had them. We also wanted to make sure we were stable enough to handle that.

*Second:*
I'm honestly not sure if theres someone else or not but to me it doesn't matter really. That's what he said to me. I will not go through phone records. I respect privacy (and always did during our relationship) and if he has decided to leave me already that would just be me looking for more pain. Honestly, if he left for someone else and lied about it, it will either come out on his own or it will fall in its own weight. I don't feel it's for me to handle additionally to the emotional riot I'm feeling right now.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Sorry you are going through this.
This is exactly the way I felt when my ex left...only I didnt have the benefit of TAM.

Maintain NC, be strong in his presence, cry when you are alone of with friends.

Above all else, USE the pain to build a better you.


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