# Gaslighting Is It Me or Him?



## AnnieB (Nov 30, 2021)

Hello everyone, new to the community. I really need a guy's opinion here on the topic of gaslighting. I had to have a talk with my husband of 15 years over sex. He 100% pulled away from me for several years. Nothing, and I mean nothing in the sex department. Then a few months ago, he just came right back in like nothing ever happened. When I told him I didn't want to be chased around the house any longer (weird), the whole discussion opened/exploded. My 100% recollection is that he had a health event which made having sex not go so well and then he never approached me after that. Now he is blaming me entirely because I did not initiate so he basically called me a cold fish ergo the long dry spell. BS. I was never the initiator, he was. I left him alone because all signs pointed to him not wanting or being able to. 
Men - is it true that if all of a sudden you "test" your woman to see if she will initiate and if she doesn't that means it's all on her?
I feel so stupid. I'm pissed.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Ok so I'm a woman...

He is stupid or gaslighting you. Are you sure there was no affair?

Yes some men advise to pull back and see what happens cause if they 'loved' you they'd want you sexually. However it can also be over use of porn, an affair, ED, antidepressants and many other things that is now easier to blame on you.

The way I see it is if no one ever talks then it is assumed the relationship dynamics stay the same. Meaning if you never initiated and he wanted you to start he should have said something. You aren't a mind reader.

That said why would either of you go for years without addressing this issue?
Sometime men stop initiating because they get turned down too often and feel dejected. 

Doesn't really matter now does it. You two have to figure out how to have a functional sexual relationship and marriage.

I'd check the phone bill though and make sure there wasn't a 3 year affair or tail chasing that just ended.


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## AnnieB (Nov 30, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> Ok so I'm a woman...
> 
> He is stupid or gaslighting you. Are you sure there was no affair?
> 
> ...


Thanks for your reply! There was an issue of him having to go on blood pressure meds and so things weren't working correctly. However, he got on the "blue pills" and he said he just decided to go for it. Not saying he hasn't had affairs but I do keep a close eye on bank accounts, iMessage, email, etc. I'm willing to go forward but seems difficult if I get this sort of treatment for letting him know how I was feeling with this extremely awkward situation he created.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

AnnieB said:


> Hello everyone, new to the community. I really need a guy's opinion here on the topic of gaslighting. I had to have a talk with my husband of 15 years over sex. He 100% pulled away from me for several years. Nothing, and I mean nothing in the sex department. Then a few months ago, he just came right back in like nothing ever happened. When I told him I didn't want to be chased around the house any longer (weird), the whole discussion opened/exploded. My 100% recollection is that he had a health event which made having sex not go so well and then he never approached me after that. Now he is blaming me entirely because I did not initiate so he basically called me a cold fish ergo the long dry spell. BS. I was never the initiator, he was. I left him alone because all signs pointed to him not wanting or being able to.
> Men - is it true that if all of a sudden you "test" your woman to see if she will initiate and if she doesn't that means it's all on her?
> I feel so stupid. I'm pissed.


No, your ok. Seven years without her sharing a sex life with you is 6.75 yrs too long.


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