# The details.



## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

So I'm sitting here on my computer thinking about yesterdays events. Maybe it hasn't sunk in till now. Umm... one of the texts I found on her phone was VERY graphic in nature, and now I can't seem to get it out of my head... the more I think about it; the angrier I get. I won't go into detail about it, but the way he described the "acts"- it made her seem like a complete [email protected] in my eyes. Not that we didn't get freaky, but this single piece of information has got a hold on me and just won't let go. Someone tell me that this will go away, cause I'm about to lose it here.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

It’s that anger. You have to know what to do with it. I could have taken my wife’s head off but I successfully fought it and then something inside me went and I’ve spend a lot of time repairing it. But at least I’m not inside doing time for GBH, murder, manslaughter or something else and I still have the love of my sons.

You are learning about how anger arises when someone you loved ****es on you. And how the love you once felt can turn into hatred and you can come to despise the very same person.

And you are learning about how exceedingly powerful emotions that you never even knew existed can be. Take care my friend and never ever do anything in a blind red rage.


They have both done you an exceedingly big lifetime favour. And one day you will see that and know it in the very core of who you are.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

BigBri said:


> So I'm sitting here on my computer thinking about yesterdays events. Maybe it hasn't sunk in till now. Umm... one of the texts I found on her phone was VERY graphic in nature, and now I can't seem to get it out of my head... the more I think about it; the angrier I get. I won't go into detail about it, but the way he described the "acts"- it made her seem like a complete [email protected] in my eyes. Not that we didn't get freaky, but this single piece of information has got a hold on me and just won't let go. Someone tell me that this will go away, cause I'm about to lose it here.


It will go away. It will hurt like hell first though. 
Then you will have horrible nightmares. 
Then, it will still be there. But it won't matter so much that they got physical. It won't matter because you are letting go of her. That is your job. 20 times a day. 100 times a day. Every waking moment you let go. YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

BigBri said:


> Someone tell me that this will go away, cause I'm about to lose it here.


Well, the thing is, it won't ever fully go away. You will remember the end of your relationship in a very twisted way and you will remember things she said/did about her cheating and they will come back when you see/hear/watch something or hear particular words. Those are known as "triggers."

There are also "mind movies" -- imagning things that happened between them. It sucks and it's totally normal to experience this. 

Sure, it will lessen over time but that scar will be there.

Anytime you remember nasty things let it be a reminder as to why the relationship ended & redirect your focus to something positive if you can.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

People always say to give it time, that time heals wounds, but I don't believe that. I believe that time makes pain bearable, but it never heals.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh I totally agree w/ that. 

The truth is, time does NOT heal all wounds when it comes to infidelity.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

It's like a bone fracture, it may heal but temperature changes in the weather often bring back some of the pain.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

morituri said:


> It's like a bone fracture, it may heal but temperature changes in the weather often bring back some of the pain.


:iagree:
Or a varicose vein. When I said it would go away I meant that the unbearable pain will go away. Not the nagging ache. I hope that will go too, just have to wait the 5 years I suppose


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

To me, the pain of finding out all the details, and making the next level of rational assumptions based on the stuff you find when you decide to stop hurting yourself by digging no farther, was like a metal claw, with smaller little claws all attached to it, that goes in through your abdomen - at first there is sharp but mild cutting pain as the realization of your failure first forms in your mind. Then that claw starts latching onto strands and sinews deep in your guts that you never knew you could feel and starts tugging, it expands to your heart, espophagus, inside of your ribs and just twists so hard that it feels like death. Not a stinging pain, just a deep, tearing, crushing pain.

That kind of pain is terrifying and will scar for life. This is why cheating really really sucks, and why I will never be best friends with my ex spouse as she pictures it in her pretty little world where the marriage was just not meant to be and we can now both be magically happier. I realize she probably had no idea she could do so much damage to me, I was completely insignificant to her and she probably thought of me as some emotionless vegetable except she is completely wrong about it I am a complicated and emotional being who was paralyzed with fear of causing her one ounce of pain. Twisted is the only word that keeps coming to mind.


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

Having a REALLY bad guys... I think its beginning to set in. I didn't ask for specifics, but that one text I read is really doing a number on me. I'm so riledup right now, I can run for miles if need be. She keeps calling, but I don't want to answer for fear that its gonna send me through a wall and I might do something really stupid. Its taking every ounce of mental capacity for me to keep composed. I'm here at work, and I'm bouncing of the walls right now- feel like a caged animal, right now. Jesus... someone talk down.


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## Voiceofreason (Mar 6, 2011)

BB-- what will help you is what you are doing, as painful as it is. Don't communicate with her, be pissed at her (a form of venting), understand that it was she who is f*&%cked up, and who f*&%cked you up, and not you. All you did was manage to fall in love with a f*&%cked up person.

As you disengage from her--and it will take some time--and you understand that "the details" are simply her acting out her skankyness which was previously unknown by you, you will likely feel less violation in terms of the soiled property aspect that guy's feel in this situation, because you will come to understand that you had no relationship with her (she just forgot to tell you that). Live and learn (and don't learn that all females are evil--they aren't)

All that being said, there is nothing anybody can say to you that will make you feel better--she committed the ultimate betrayal to a man. But you will feel better with time as you put her skanky ass behind you.

Anyway, I have been reading your posts, and I sure admire your approach on all this. Now just stay out of jail my friend


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Go for a long walk keep walking until the anger is gone. Ignore her calls they benefit her only, go see a doc they may be able to give you something to settle you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

Bri, can you speak with your immediate supervisor and explain that you're having serious personal issues, and that you may need time off? I know that you may not get it, but with some this serious, I think it would be a good idea to communicate with management that you're having a problem with your personal life. Perhaps if they understand, they could give you some time off to take a breather.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

This can't help you right now, and I don't know your job. I work on a computer mainly. I bought a couple of dumbbells I keep here at the office. When I feel that way and can't get out for a walk, I pump out some curls, overhead presses, extensions, whatever. Exercise helps to get that anger out. Plus, the change is the biceps is an added benefit.

Maybe you could do pushups until you drop. Not much required for that.


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

Thanks guys. I really appreciate the help. I don't talk about this with anyone(stupid pride), and its eating away at me. My family and some friends offered to talk, but I told them I just want to be alone for now. My mom calls every 15min. asking how I'm doing... don't want to tell her the truth- she'll breakdown also. Man... this is the worst. I think I'm coming down from the emotional high from yesterday... you know. I did real good, but the come-down is exhausting. I really don't want to involve my work with my personal problems either. I'm a very private person, and don't want to let anyone "in" at this time. It come in waves... it'll come then go... then come back, and go again. I guess this is what you guys call the rollercoaster, huh. I just need to get in a rythm to deal with it. I've been through some pretty [email protected] sh!it in my life, but this takes the cake.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Hang in there the ride will be rough, you will get through stronger and wiser
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

BigBri said:


> I've been through some pretty [email protected] sh!it in my life, but this takes the cake.


Yep. This is an incredibly violent thing to do to a person. Emotionally you just got stabbed and left the knife in for a little twist every now and again. She does not understand this. She has no comprehension of the level of pain you are in. She does not really care either. 

It is triggering the fight or flight reflex and you can do neither. All you an do is try and clear the toxic byproducts of adrenalin out of your system as fast as you can. This is why we are all advocating exercise! We have all been where you are now. It does get better but only if you process it and move on from it. 

Don't absorb this and become a bitter man! If you can rise above it you will be amazed at what happens in your life.


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

End of the day and I feel much better. I just felt trapped here at work... I felt like I couldn't react. Now that I'm off, I feel free again. I exercise anyway so thats no a problem. I think the office just makes me feel confined, but the suggestions you guys have given me will be taken into consideration- "It's Miller time, [email protected]!" I owe all you guys a round of the frosty ones. Here's to you guys- CHEERS!


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

Hang in there man. It does get better. you will have good days and bad days in the future but it should be on an upward trend.


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

Bri, this may be the most important advice I can give you:

To truly have the opportunity to relax....

SAMUEL ADAMS ALL THE WAY! NO MILLER TIME! NO MILLER!

Its good to see you in a little bit better mood. No doubt the roller coaster will be back in full swing, but take the opportunity to enjoy the moments of peace (if you can call it that) when they come.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Here Here! Have a frosty one and know that the only place to go is up!


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## BigBri (Jul 22, 2011)

> "It's Miller time, [email protected]!"


Just a figure of speech. I actually drink *Hefeweizen*. Whatever you guys drink... I'm buying.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey BB---its your sub-conscious, and its gonna blast away at you, whenever you are alone---at work, driving, working out, at 3 a m in the morning, when you are lying there awake-----you see the visions, you think of the other scum inside of your wife---its your sub-c

It will go away, eventually if you D., your wife, ---if you stay with her---she will continue to trigger you

If you do D. her then let us hope for your sake, what she has done to you, doesn't ruin your trust of all females, in your future---for I fear for many spouses---the lost of trust, does affect them in future relationships with others---Who knows????????


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

BB it is 18 days since I found out about my W affair. I know EXACTLY where you are coming from. I like you was (note past tense) a private person when it came to personal stuff. In the last 2 weeks my friends have stepped up big time! They along with the people on this board have helped me so much I will never be able to repay them. I just encourage you to talk with someone you trust, talk with a pastor, post on this board. They tell me it is going to get better, oh god I hope so. Do stuff for yourself, exercise, eat, and be with people who make you laugh. We are all here for you, we all know the drill, just wish you and I were furthur along in the process. Just know this, the things you describe, how you are feeling, thoughts....could be me posting, without any edits. Hang in there dude! I am pulling and praying for you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

BigBri said:


> Just a figure of speech. I actually drink *Hefeweizen*. Whatever you guys drink... I'm buying.


Perfect. I'll take a Corona. 

Bri, someone suggested taking days off from work and if you must, go for it, but I can tell you, when I was giong through my own personal hell, in hindsight I am so glad I had work to go to everyday. It kept my sanity and kept the stability in my life. Sure, I'd break down and close my office door and/or cry in a bathroom stall at work but it really kept me grounded. I would have gone to hell if I stayed home all the time. 

You will be up and down for a long time. I see that she is calling you still. Told you so!!! Don't respond. At all. I am curious though--what have her messages said?


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