# wife has checked out



## folly (Jan 1, 2013)

hello! 

i have been spending my time here quite regularly for the last week. I really appreciate all the story and help people have giving.

My wife and I have been having problems for a a couple of years.
last year we had a long talk about separation, But we agreed to work it out.We had our ups and downs but its seem to come all into light last within the last week.

We have separated about a week ago, the first time in our lives.
she told me that she needed time to reflect on our lives and breath a little we have children so i still stayed in contact and we have done family things together.

last night we had a family day in orlando for new years it was nice and had a great day, we acted like friends and enjoyed our family. one the way home i asked if she would like to watch a movie together tonight and she said sure! we got home and put the kids to sleep and sat down and that when all the emotions came out.

She told me that she didn't want to feel like she was leading me on and she is not sure if things will work out, and has felt emotionally unattached for a year or so. tears were exchanged and all of my problems came to light. she has been a great wife , but i have not been a great husband,i have been emotionally abusive at times in the past and not there when i needed to be,i needed to grow up. i completely understand that this is my doing. this was brought up a last year, i changed my life and started to be a better person. but she has stated that she still has a lot of anger and resentment towards me.

we have been together for 15 years and married 9. we our both 31. as we talked last night it was not hatred but more like best friends we got all of our problems out and i was open ears. she says this is not the end and this is her family that she does not want one with anyone else, we joked and i said i love to make you laugh and she said i love that you do. she still wants me to be a big part in her life that i am her best friend be there for the kids as they are the most importent things in our life. she want to focus on herself, and i should do the same with myself. we still agreed to go on dates and be best friends. and still have sexual relations. spend time with the kids and be a family, i understand that there might be no hope for us to be together. but i do not want to give up.

i want us to fall back in love, i want us to feel what we did so many years ago. i feel like theres hope, but i feel she is afraid that she will be hurt again but i dont blame her.

the last thing i told her and i never ment it more then anything was that i will never hurt you again, wife or not. 

im really hoping that it will work out one way or another.im trying to plan the best way to be a father, best friend, husband, ex-husband i can.


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## folly (Jan 1, 2013)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MaybeItsMe? (Oct 26, 2011)

Am I reading this correctly here?

She wants to divorce you but still wants you to stick around not just for the kids but as her "friend" and to still have sex? 

The answer from me would be "you either have me or you don't, stop messing me about" Don't be a door mat, how can it be all your fault? 

Has she found some one else?


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## folly (Jan 1, 2013)

MaybeItsMe? said:


> Am I reading this correctly here?
> 
> She wants to divorce you but still wants you to stick around not just for the kids but as her "friend" and to still have sex?
> 
> ...


There is no one else we talk very deeply about this, she would never lie about this, I know she is telling the truth. 

That's why I feel I don't want to give up. I want to give her space.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## livinfree (Sep 7, 2012)

Oh man, that's how my story started. Sorry you are here.


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## MaybeItsMe? (Oct 26, 2011)

folly said:


> There is no one else we talk very deeply about this, she would never lie about this, I know she is telling the truth.
> 
> That's why I feel I don't want to give up. I want to give her space.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Give her space but don't let her dictate to you. If she wants a separation then do so but stick to the rules, no sex, planned times to see the kids etc.

You are not a dog to be commanded when ever she see's fit.


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

Red flags all over the place. Trust but verify.

She still wants to be a family, still wants you as a babysitter, still wants to be friends, still wants to have sex, still wants your financial support, but she wants to do this while living apart from you so she can "work on herself" and have some "space".

Red flags all over the place.


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## MaybeItsMe? (Oct 26, 2011)

Thoreau said:


> Red flags all over the place. Trust but verify.
> 
> She still wants to be a family, still wants you as a babysitter, still wants to be friends, still wants to have sex, still wants your financial support, but she wants to do this while living apart from you so she can "work on herself" and have some "space".
> 
> Red flags all over the place.



agree 100%


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

folly said:


> There is no one else we talk very deeply about this, she would never lie about this, I know she is telling the truth.


How do you know this? Have you verified it yourself or are you God?


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## folly (Jan 1, 2013)

keko said:


> How do you know this? Have you verified it yourself or are you God?


I don't know this for a fact. But I'm going on that there no previous dishonesty in our relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

folly said:


> I don't know this for a fact. But I'm going on that there no previous dishonesty in our relationship.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ok, then do yourself a favor and take some time to "investigate" who the other man is.

Then you have a chance to expose the affair, to kill it. Once the other guy is out of the picture you have a chance to save your marriage.


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## folly (Jan 1, 2013)

keko said:


> Ok, then do yourself a favor and take some time to "investigate" who the other man is.
> 
> Then you have a chance to expose the affair, to kill it. Once the other guy is out of the picture you have a chance to save your marriage.


I want to say this is not a problem, as in previous problems we had she runs away from them. I feels she's doing it again
we had a a rough time when within the first years we married and she ran off to join the Air Force. 
And also when she had problems with her parents growing up, she ran off out of state. I feel it might be happened again. But since she can't run off away from this
she can push the problem away,me
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I think you need to investigate and determine the best course of action to take in saving the marriage. If it is pill then there is a course of action that you can specificlly take. If it is toxic friend thats is telling your wife the grass is greener then you now know what the problem is. If it was onther man...then again you can take a different approach.

But you need to find out by doing your own investigation so you can act accordingly.

By investigating your self you can also rule out certain things and in the process of elimination you can heve a better handle on how to help you wife. Her remotions are being effected so find out why...again if your research lead to a depression then you at least know were your battle ground is.

sometime just ease dropping on her conversations or looking at her social web sights and emails might give you the information needed to protect your marriage.

Brother your marriage is at stake so drastic action maybe needed in trastic times.


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

Dude, move on. You've indicated a willingness to get back together, that's it, you've played your part, move on with your life. Don't keep telling her these things all the time - it's pleading and pathetic - just move on. If she wants to come back, she will, you've done all you can at this point.

Unlike the vast majority, I'm of the opinion that it's possible and in fact, easy for your wife to leave without having someone else waiting out there. Besides why investigate? It's just going to compound issues and lead to unnecessary anxiety.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

folly said:


> I don't know this for a fact. But I'm going on that there no previous dishonesty in our relationship.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


There was no previous dishonesty in 10 years with my stbxw either. Not until there was another man and she told me almost all the same stuff yours just told you.

Has she accepted responsibility for anything or is this all your fault? If all your fault, she is blameshifting because she feels guilty about something. Otherwise she'd be accepting fault for things as well.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

folly said:


> There is no one else we talk very deeply about this, she would never lie about this, I know she is telling the truth.
> 
> That's why I feel I don't want to give up. I want to give her space.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


"You have absolutely nothing to worry about"

"I would never do something like that to you"

"Do you really think I'm that kind of person"

"I love you too much to hurt you like that"

Any of this sound familiar?


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## inamessIconfess (Apr 2, 2012)

Wow this all sounds very familiar.....Have a read through this forum and you will find countless stories exactly the same as yours.

My wife of 14 years could NEVER lie to me or have an affair and yet...she did.

Trust but verify, absolutely!

Good luck
J


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Folly, I never recommend separation without a plan. I would like to recommend a discussion with wife about separation purpose and boundaries.

1. First 30 day separation with limited contact. Contact should only be for financial or child issues.

2. next 30 days should be for dating to help reintroduce romance back into the relationship. This needs to be without children distractions, though can include family days in addition.

3. Final 30 days should progress to physical romance, including intimacy in various forms, to include sex. Also you need to develop a plan for reuniting and how to better communicate and keep the intimacy.

At the end of this time you should both have a little better direction of where the relationship is going. Also this helps to keep the wolves at bay, as you are separated not single. Best wishes to you.


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## parker (Dec 2, 2012)

This does seem fishy. Perhaps MC will allow her to be fully honest and transparent. You do not want her to walk all over you; mothers rarely initiate family breakups without an "option B".


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

Need to head the advice here brother. We've seen these stories all too many times. You SHOULD investigate because if there's another man involved or a toxic friend you may have options to help out. Or at least know why, in the end, the "not knowing" is a big killer for a lot of people. 

I'd also like to point out that in my math, that means you guys were serious at a very young age. This has a big part to play in it. Lots of people have issues if they don't get to play before getting serious. 

I'm so sorry you're here, but this is a good place. 

Good luck.


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