# What would your spouse say about you?



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

They say there are three sides to every story. Mine, yours and the truth. In reading here we often times see the spouse portrayed as the villan. Not much is spoken about their good qualities and a whole lot is spoken about our good qualities.
In the two instances when the spouse did come on here, the story was VERY different from what was being reported. 
So I am curious, what would your spouse say is "their side" of the story? For me, he would say that I am closed off emotionally. Do I portray that here though? Nope. I appear very open but is that reality? No.
So, I am curious to hear from those who want to be very honest and skip the persona.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Mine posts here too so if she wants to tell me I'm wrong she can. This is what I think she would say, Joe is a closed person who shows little to no emotion about anything. He is a workaholic who always has to be right. He is quick with criticism and slow to praise. I'll try to think of more horrible qualities I possess and post back later.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Mine would say that I have a lot of issues that I'm working on and am improving. He'd say I said some horrible things that took him back to when he was a kid. 

He doesn't talk much though, even to his 'friends'. So...I dunno.


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

My ex-husband began taking a deep look inward after we divorced. He also started attending church regularly. Over the past few years he has gotten to be rather involved member in his church. He truly has changed and for the better. On a few occasions he has gotten choked up a little when talks about what an a$$hole he used to be and how much of the time it was to me.

However, if he was telling “our” story within the first six months of ending the marriage, I’m certain his narration would be much different than it is now.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

As she knocks on my skull with her knuckles - "Yep. Nothing in the noggin!'"

She would really say, "Why can't he be as expressive and happy with me as he is with our children?" She says that I can never trust anybody at a deep, emotional level. I never open up, and my life is a closed book before she met me. She thinks that I was so traumatized by abandonment and homelessness as a kid that I cannot let people get close to me, and that I never just stop and breathe. She says I have hot shoulders, though. That's a positive. And an awesome father.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

To those who responded, do you think what your spouse would say is accurate?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

My stbxw’s told different things to different people to such an extent that I no longer believe a word she says about me. I don’t think even she knows what she thinks about me for more than 5 minutes or so.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I'm no longer in a relationship, so I can't say. But I've heard a different version of what you quoted above, and I think (personally) that this is more true. 5 sides to the story: A's side, B's side, the side A doesn't tell, the side B doesn't tell, and the truth.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Actually sent her an email and asked if she would care to respond. If she does ... I'll post it.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

He wouldn't say anything - he's totally closed off! LOL


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

He would say I'm emotionally delicate. He sometimes says I'm like a bit of tissue blowing in the wind. That I might easily break. 
He would say I'm very caring and loving. 

That I have very strong morals/ ideals.

He also tells me I'm very smart, however I also have some blonde traits. 

He might say that sometimes I'm too challenging and sometimes difficult.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I speculate CONSTANTLY what she says about me. I don't think I'm doing myself any favours by doing so, nor do I think it would really be beneficial for me to write it on here (as much as I desperately want to). I think I could pretty accurately write what she logically should be thinking, but me trying to guess at her version of the truth is still only just my version of the truth. For me moving on means letting go of the fantasy I've been using to cope with the pain, so I think I will refrain from going there on this thread, but I look forward to reading everyone else's comments!


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

I think ultimately my spouse would say I am selfish.

I have been co-dependent for many years and now I am speaking up for myself and it causes major problems because she was understandably very happy before I started doing that. When I speak up and ask for my needs to be considered too, she believes it is selfish behavior.

I guess she is right on some level.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Deejo said:


> Actually sent her an email and asked if she would care to respond. If she does ... I'll post it.


Oh wow! I am very curious to hear what she has to say. 

Not you at all but do you remember the post of a guy who made his wife out to be some harpy who "hated" sex and was hell bent on destroying him? His wife found out about his posts and told a very different story of his serial infidelities, physical abuse and alcohol addiction. Very eye opening. 
The truth oftentimes is very hard to get. Everybody wants to paint themselves in the best light.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> To those who responded, do you think what your spouse would say is accurate?


In my case, it is an honest assessment, but mainly because it seemed that although I really wanted to open up and talk to her about feelings, it was hard to do when her needs were immediate, and life-threatening, in a sense. There was a lot of wierd fitness testing going on in the early years, plus I struggled with how to express many of my needs.

My wife had a major depressive/suicidal breakdown just after we got engaged, almost a month after her doctor had prescribed an anti-depressant. I wrote a letter to the foundation that had given me my scholarship and dropped out of college to marry, because her parents had just moved away. To be honest, I had never seen a functional marriage or family, but I now had a wife who desperately needed me. It seemed like any discontent that I felt just had to be within me. Everything was new.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

That's very true TRBE. We only get one side here, and it can be very difficult to give advice without the whole picture.

I would say that what I said my SO would say is true.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Yeah. It's accurate.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Oh wow! I am very curious to hear what she has to say.
> 
> Not you at all but do you remember the post of a guy who made his wife out to be some harpy who "hated" sex and was hell bent on destroying him? His wife found out about his posts and told a very different story of his serial infidelities, physical abuse and alcohol addiction. Very eye opening.
> The truth oftentimes is very hard to get. Everybody wants to paint themselves in the best light.


I do indeed. I don't believe either of them has posted since. Also was a good example of the truth lying somewhere in the middle of both perspectives.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Deejo said:


> I do indeed. I don't believe either of them has posted since. Also was a good example of the truth lying somewhere in the middle of both perspectives.


Yes, it's usually right in the middle. 
Typically within relationship dynamics you don't have one person who is a screeching rabid banshi while the other is wearing a halo. That just doesn't happen. If it does, then you have a whole other set of issues going on as to why the halo wearer would stick around.


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## damiana879 (Aug 26, 2011)

Honestly, I think my husband would say I'm a lying piece of crap that hides things from him and isn't up front and honest with him. And in a lot of ways, he's right because sometimes I make decisions about doing things and I haven't told him. I have lied to him before, not about being unfaithful or anything like that, but about money I've spent, things I've done, things like that....so he would definitely point that out. Now I know my husband is a very good man with a heart of gold when he is happy, but can be VERY ugly when he's not....


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

I asked my husband this question when I talked with him over lunch. I have no idea what my 'persona' on here is as perceived by someone who would read what I write.

My husband said "You are beautiful, sexy, intelligent, hard-working ..."

I cut him off here and asked for brutal honesty. 

He said "You are beautiful, sexy, intelligent, hard-working, compassionate, giving.... You are also impatient, procrastinate too much, spend too much time daydreaming and not enough time doing sometimes, and you have way too many books and magazines scattered around the house."

Yah - he's pretty much spot-on - he didn't mention all of the shoes, though.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Enchantment said:


> Yah - he's pretty much spot-on - he didn't mention all of the shoes, though.


A smart man doesn't mention the shoes unless it is to utter the words "Go buy some more".


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Yes, it's usually right in the middle.
> Typically within relationship dynamics you don't have one person who is a screeching rabid banshi while the other is wearing a halo. That just doesn't happen. If it does, then you have a whole other set of issues going on as to why the halo wearer would stick around.


Yes, but quite often you get one that gets saddled with "all the relationship" work.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Conrad said:


> Yes, but quite often you get one that gets saddled with "all the relationship" work.


Often times the one who gets saddled with the work is the one who wasn't all in in the first place. Let's face it, when a marriage first starts out, both are equally vested. It's really equal. After some time, hurt occurs, anger, etc. One pulls away. That one cares less. 

I speak for myself here. My husband didn't go "all in" in our marriage and when I finally had enough and was about to have him served, then he had an ephipany. Now I find that giving it my all is much more difficult and I do resent alot of things. 

So yes, his reality would be that he is giving 100%. However would that be an accurate portrayal of him? No. That would ignore the 17 years when he didn't care/try/get involved. 

The same could be said for me. I could come here and say that for 17 years I gave it my all when he did not. I would be failing to acknowledge the work he is doing now to try and save the relationship. Would my post be ignoring a crucial element by not mentioning that part? Yes.

Depending on how either of us posted, we could garner the most sympathy by ignoring the facts. I tend to think many post that way.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

joe kidd said:


> Mine posts here too so if she wants to tell me I'm wrong she can. This is what I think she would say, Joe is a closed person who shows little to no emotion about anything. He is a workaholic who always has to be right. He is quick with criticism and slow to praise. I'll try to think of more horrible qualities I possess and post back later.


Yes, he is all the above. He is also hard working, reliable, has moments when he can be so dang sweet, he's too hard on himself, 
and a good father. Despite what we've been through, I still feel he is a very good man. I love this man with all my heart.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

pidge70 said:


> Yes, he is all the above. He is also hard working, reliable, has moments when he can be so dang sweet, he's too hard on himself,
> and a good father. Despite what we've been through, I still feel he is a very good man. I love this man with all my heart.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Aww. Good for you guys!


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

brighteyes, I like your "all in" as a poker metaphor... Ive kinda been feeling that my W wasn't "all in" either, she had a big stack (no pun intended), and I had to go "all in" with my tiny stack of chips (low self-esteem?) just to play. She decided she was allowed to do whatever she wanted with her "excess" chips instead of investing in the pot, feels like she didn't have to really put it all on the line. 

I'm not trying to revise our history, and I will readily admit the start of our marriage was a completely wonderful joyous time (I suppose I can only speak for myself), but in hindsight I think I can now see there was a tinge of indecision from her that maybe she didn't make the right choice marrying me - it wasn't enough to really notice or question but I think it was there from the beginning, a tiny little seed that suddenly towards the end bloomed into a massive weed. By the end she literally was telling her friends how much better she was than me - it kinda hurt bad because metaphorically its true, she probably brought more chips to the table, but I was the one doing the hard work trying to stay in the game, she just held back and didn't really make the emotional investment necessary for marriage.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

pidge70 said:


> Yes, he is all the above. He is also hard working, reliable, has moments when he can be so dang sweet, he's too hard on himself,
> and a good father. Despite what we've been through, I still feel he is a very good man. I love this man with all my heart.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm going to print this out and put it on the fridge. I'll point to it the next time I get the stink eye for drinking too much beer.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

My poker metaphor wasn't the best one. Let's face it, there are only two reasons why any player goes all in. One is with the hopes that they can bluff and intimidate their opponent in to folding and the other is when they are certain they have their opponent beat. That scenario isn't exactly a good one for marriage.
If we are sticking to card metaphors however, the way I am feeling about my own marriage, if I had to do it all over again....I would have played Blackjack and doubled down. 

Lon, I know all too well about having those doubts. I think that he was never fully in the game, if you will. My clue should have been in planning the wedding. He really didn't get involved and when he did, it almost seemed like he was sabotaging my efforts. I was very hurt by what was going on and felt like I had the world on my shoulders with little support.
Going back to the theme of this thread, my husband would tell you the exact opposite of what I just wrote. He would say that the times he did want to help out, I pushed him away and did it my way. He really feels like I shut him out. What I feel is that he was suggesting we do things that simply were not in the budget and since my parents were paying, I was at their mercy of sorts and he didn't respect that. 
Our truths are very different. Our truth also becomes our reality, regardless if it is fact.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

MY husband is sleeping now, but here are some things I KNOW he would say about me, says to me:

I like to fight
I enjoy arguing 
I analyze too much
I am a dirty old woman
I am one in a million
Nobody is as honest as me 
I can squeeze a dime out of nickle
I am a force to be reckoned with
I can talk to anyone, they all love me 
I should spend more time with the kids
I have little patience 
I drive too fast
I am demanding 
I have too much energy
I am a good listener -when I want to be
I make people laugh 
I think too much
I am beautful /hot /sexy
I am intelligent 
I am an excellent writer
I would make a good drill seargent


One day he said to me ..." you may get nasty once in a while but you treat me really great & I wouldn't trade you for the world". 

I asked him if he ever felt the grass was greener somewhere else- he says “oh No its greeeeen, overloaded with fertilizer", even when things were dry, he says having kids made him happy.

Edit : I asked him this morning getting up for work - his 1st 3 answers : You are wonderful, you are organized, you get things done. I read him some of this list.... He adds you are like Lee Emery (that Drill seargent), I don't listen when I am on TAM ha ha , My cooking is good when I am not trying to keep the family healthy, my mouth gets me in trouble with other people but never him, I am very intelligent . I said I need MORE BAD, he said not much to say, my worst --- I holler at the kids too much, I am mean to the kids. 

This sums me up from his persceptive.


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## TenderLove&Care (Aug 27, 2011)

If I could even try to get him to talk.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> They say there are three sides to every story. Mine, yours and the truth. In reading here we often times see the spouse portrayed as the villan. Not much is spoken about their good qualities and a whole lot is spoken about our good qualities.
> In the two instances when the spouse did come on here, the story was VERY different from what was being reported.
> So I am curious, what would your spouse say is "their side" of the story? For me, he would say that I am closed off emotionally. Do I portray that here though? Nope. I appear very open but is that reality? No.
> So, I am curious to hear from those who want to be very honest and skip the persona.


This is a great question brighteyes.

When I post here and if I reference my H, I know he'd agree with my perception of him and is aware that I have this view of him/us. With working through things together this year, we communicated about who we are to each other and how we felt in the relationship. As we started working through our issues, the perception was either corrected/adjusted or worked on. In the thick of our emotions, he played this Amos Lee song and said these lyrics remind him of me. We both quietly cried that evening and he shared a lot about how he viewed me.

_I'm in love with a girl
Who's in love with the world
Though I can't help but follow.
Though I know some day
She is bound to go away
And stay over the rainbow
Gotta learn how to let her go
Over the rainbow._

What attracted him in the first place was my confidence, independence and free-spirited nature. I guess this has been my double-edged sword. The very things that he loves about me are the very things that make him feel uneasy about me. He remembered back to the early times when he realized that to keep me, he couldn't hold on too tightly as that would make me just want to fly away. He told me that through-out our relationship, he's felt he had to find a careful balance with showing me how much he needed me but so that I didn't feel trapped. With feelings around this, some of his needs weren't being met. Things that were seemingly irrelevant to me were very important to him. I thrive on change. He craves stability. What I could finally explain to him recently, was that I never wanted to fly alone - I wanted him to fly _with_ me. 

My awareness of his sensitivities, the need for inclusion and showing him how much I need him, has increased greatly.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

This one is soooo easy! I'm a basketcase!

Of course, he wouldn't neglect to mention that even though I'm a pain in the butt... I'm also very sensitive and compassionate.. Optimistic, believing in the good in others... More than once he has said I've got a heart of (solid) gold, (lol) and he often calls me his "Angel" or "Princess".

Then he'll go right back to telling you how irrational, emotional, stressed-out, over-analytical and argumentitive I am. He's absolutely right.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> So I am curious, what would your spouse say is "their side" of the story?


That she's working hard to make the relationship work, that she tries to give her very best to me no matter what, that she doesn't really complain whenever I either...
1) Need a few hours alone time
2) Enforce my need for personal privacy, even when she tells me what she does everyday
3) Forget about all my household duties even when I'm no longer working much since the business is running by itself
4) Pissing out the balcony
5) Leaving beer bottles everywhere and let her clean it up
6) Give her crap indirectly for her cooking even though she never failed to make sure I had food whenever I needed it

And that she's always been loyal, despite me hurting her by telling her she should outsource for sex. That she never once complained about finances yet I don't trust her when she says she doesn't care about the money. That she keeps her body toned, legs shaved and herself beautiful yet I don't appreciate it and make her feel miserable. And that all she asks is quality time from me and I turn her down even when I'm not exactly busy. And that she puts up with me publicly rejecting her because of my paranoia about our local neighborhood gang of ********. And that I'm stubborn, selfish, and that I don't go the extra mile for her even if she does.

Probably a few more really... but overall, she's right... I'm definitely not a good husband, but I have my reasons for that. She has been a good wife 'cept for her manipulative tendencies and high sexual maintenance. Still... I am feeling guilty about what I'm doing to her at present.


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

joe kidd said:


> Mine posts here too so if she wants to tell me I'm wrong she can. This is what I think she would say, Joe is a closed person who shows little to no emotion about anything. He is a workaholic who always has to be right. He is quick with criticism and slow to praise. I'll try to think of more horrible qualities I possess and post back later.





pidge70 said:


> Yes, he is all the above. He is also hard working, reliable, has moments when he can be so dang sweet, he's too hard on himself,
> and a good father. Despite what we've been through, I still feel he is a very good man. I love this man with all my heart.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ok ... I am far from a mushy sappy person, but this one even got to me. :smthumbup:


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## Kevan (Mar 28, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> A smart man doesn't mention the shoes unless it is to utter the words "Go buy some more".


LOL! I'll have to remember that!


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## explode (Sep 4, 2011)

I think my husband would say I am lazy. Well no. I think hgewould say I am gehuine and social.He would say I was kind and loving. He would think but not say I am lazy and unreliable. I don't think he thinks that all of the time, because he does know that I haven't slept for more than 2 to 3 hours at a time for at least 8 years. He also knows that I have chronic health conditions that cause fatigue and pain. However, I do believe he sometimes thinks those two not so nice things about me.


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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

My H would say that I am negative, uninterested, and emotional. I cry a lot. I am hurt by almost everything he says. And, I am not the same person anymore. Also, stubborn.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

"How does the grill of my car taste now, *******?"


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## Sameold (Aug 11, 2011)

I'm no good at housework--but I've gotten better over the last decade. I don't contribute financially (he said I never have, which isn't quite accurate, I know darn well what I've paid the IRS and SSA, but I certainly haven't contributed much or recently in cold hard cash). I'm anti-social and don't have hardly any friends, and I don't keep in touch with people over time. We, ah, had a discussion recently, can you tell?
Mostly true. I grew up doing outside, animal-related chores, and had to learn how to do all the inside stuff, and I still hate and am not good at getting it done. I'm a music teacher, and constant moving makes it kind of hard to build up a studio. I'm really good at keeping our expenses down, though, and he'll admit that when he's not upset that I won't let him buy junk food every day. I'm slow at making friends and we've moved far too often for me to do that. I don't see any reason or need to keep in touch with casual acquaintances after moving--he has 200 plus facebook 'friends' which I say aren't real friends at all: real friends are the people who would drive across the country if you call and say 'I need you,' no questions asked.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I believe she would say this, and I'm being as open and honest from her presumed perspective as I can. *Caveat* Her views as percieved by me do not necessarily reflect my views ... make perfect sense?

- I truly loved him at one time. There wasn't a doubt in my mind.

- He is a good man.

- He is a wonderful dad. He loves his kids.

- He expected too much from me

- He could not accept me for who I am

- He was needy

- He was controlling

- He is a pessimist and brings me down

- He made me feel inadequate

- He betrayed me

- He never let go of his ex-fiance. She was more important than me.

- He had an emotional affair


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## breaking_silence (Sep 12, 2011)

I am new but why not start here. I haven't posted so I haven't had a chance to present the situation in a certain light. I think I am pretty good at recognizing my less than stellar traits though. If my H could describe me he would probably say, that I am very intelligent person and a good mother, but frigid and unloving towards him. He would say I am not supportive of him, insensitive to his needs, and that I nag too much. 

Would he be accurate? To some degree, yes. I think anyone viewing our relationship in isolation of context would think I was insensitive and well basically a b***h. He would probably come out looking pretty good in comparison to me. Of course, I'm the one who recognizes that BOTH of us have some work to do and that if we want our marriage to work, we need to DO the work. He honestly believes that if I truly loved him, I would be happy and there would be no problems in our marriage. I'd get into it more but I'll save it for another thread.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Deejo said:


> I believe she would say this, and I'm being as open and honest from her presumed perspective as I can. *Caveat* Her views as percieved by me do not necessarily reflect my views ... make perfect sense?
> 
> - I truly loved him at one time. There wasn't a doubt in my mind.
> 
> ...


You've been incredibly open about everything Deejo.
Did you let go of your ex-fiance? What made her think you didn't? Also, EA? 
I already posted what my husband would say about me but wanted to add he would say I am a glass half empty kind of person. I agree with this, yet I didn't used to be.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

breaking_silence said:


> I am new but why not start here. I haven't posted so I haven't had a chance to present the situation in a certain light. I think I am pretty good at recognizing my less than stellar traits though. If my H could describe me he would probably say, that I am very intelligent person and a good mother, but frigid and unloving towards him. He would say I am not supportive of him, insensitive to his needs, and that I nag too much.
> 
> Would he be accurate? To some degree, yes. I think anyone viewing our relationship in isolation of context would think I was insensitive and well basically a b***h. He would probably come out looking pretty good in comparison to me. Of course, I'm the one who recognizes that BOTH of us have some work to do and that if we want our marriage to work, we need to DO the work. He honestly believes that if I truly loved him, I would be happy and there would be no problems in our marriage. I'd get into it more but I'll save it for another thread.


Welcome and you are correct. In a relationship their isn't a halo wearer and Satan. That is how it is projected often times though but certainly not reality. Two sides to every story for sure.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Welcome and you are correct. In a relationship their isn't a halo wearer and Satan. That is how it is projected often times though but certainly not reality. Two sides to every story for sure.


True, but sometimes there is a party in the marriage who is hanging with Satan FAR more than the other is.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

michzz said:


> True, but sometimes there is a party in the marriage who is hanging with Satan FAR more than the other is.


Agreed and I thought it was the Light God, the Screaming Tree or the Quartz Queen.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I was thinking of this thread over the weekend. Although I'd told my H before that I never wanted to fly alone (despite his perception) and I've not met some of his needs because of behaviors surrounding these aspects of my personality; it was just the other day I really allowed myself to be completely vulnerable with him and admitted, and apologized for, these behaviors that I now see clearly. It's heart-wrenching for me that I didn't have this perspective earlier but it's part of the journey I guess. It went beyond my "awareness" of how my behaviors affected him and became more about me facing things about myself that I'm out-growing, letting go of, and/or accepting. I didn't realize how much this would impact him to hear me say these things. He sees the changes occurring and asked how I got to this point within myself. I told him I've been doing some reading, self-reflection and this forum has really opened my eyes to certain aspects of relationships too, that's been very helpful. Now I'm at the point of being a harsher critic than he could ever be of me. And so the journey continues.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> You've been incredibly open about everything Deejo.
> Did you let go of your ex-fiance? What made her think you didn't? Also, EA?
> I already posted what my husband would say about me but wanted to add he would say I am a glass half empty kind of person. I agree with this, yet I didn't used to be.


I have posted ... long ago at this point ... that I began my relationship with my ex, about 3 months after being dumped by my ex-fiance, over 15 years ago.
Struggled at times. Broke up with my ex when we were dating because I didn't feel resolved. Oddly ... that actually fueled ex's pursuit of me at that time.

The honest answer is, no, I didn't let go of the ex-fiance. But ... it was not about secret desire or unrequited love. I didn't fantasize about her. Didn't pine over her, or have secretive, clandestine contact with her. We touched base probably a half dozen times over that intervening 15 years. It always regarded getting married, having kids, family. Kind of an acknowledgment that we both ended up ok.

I loved my wife, not the ex-fiance. Always told my wife if I got a phone call or email. Always.

A forum post cannot possibly encapsulate the entirety of the dynamics that led to our demise, but in being honest with myself, maintaining ANY line of communication with my ex-fiance, regardless of timespan, was damaging to my wife. 

I should have set a clear boundary for no further contact. 

My contrition aside, even had the ex-fiance never been a factor, my wife and I would still be where we are today ...


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Deejo said:


> I have posted ... long ago at this point ... that I began my relationship with my ex, about 3 months after being dumped by my ex-fiance, over 15 years ago.
> Struggled at times. Broke up with my ex when we were dating because I didn't feel resolved. Oddly ... that actually fueled ex's pursuit of me at that time.
> 
> The honest answer is, no, I didn't let go of the ex-fiance. But ... it was not about secret desire or unrequited love. I didn't fantasize about her. Didn't pine over her, or have secretive, clandestine contact with her. We touched base probably a half dozen times over that intervening 15 years. It always regarded getting married, having kids, family. Kind of an acknowledgment that we both ended up ok.
> ...


My husband's high school girlfriend dumped him without warning. At his 10 year high school reunion, I was there and I watched as he fixated on her all night long. I asked him to dance and he said no. When she asked him to dance, he accepted. I watched as he danced with her and smiled and laughed and was having a blast of a time. I grabbed my purse and left and by left mean I went back to the hotel, grabbed my things and flew back to Houston from San Diego.

He has said to this day she meant nothing but at that moment she meant more than me, that was obvious. Was it closure? Not sure but in his "closure" all he did was cause a huge hole in his wife's heart.

I have never forgotten what he did. Even if I am the "love of his life", my feelings are different now. 

Not beating you up Deejo, just showing you that us women are emotional creatures and when we feel/perceive some other woman is more important.....it starts the first brick.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> I asked him to dance and he said no


 *THIS is the tragedy *. He screwed up ROYALLY here with you this night, give him the A-hole crown. I don't blame you for feeling this way, I would too -in overdrive. :FIREdevil: It would be a hard one to forgive , he would have to worship me for awhile to live that down, or I would have been hellishly tempted to get EVEN with him somehow (using the opposite sex) to make myself feel better & let him "feel" it with some intensity. 

But had he NOT treated you this way, happily danced with you... then still took her hand and danced with her afterwards, with smiles, a dance for old times's sake.....I am assuming you would have seen this in a completely different light ?

I know I would.


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## Zzyzx (Aug 24, 2011)

Well my ex certainly made no secret of how she felt about me during our marriage: I was too soft, too easy going, too easily taken advantage of, had too much temper at her, couldn't measure up to her standard of cleanliness, wanted sex too often, liked his family and friends too much, didn't listen to her well enough, etc. There's more, but that will do for starters. Some of that was the control freak in her, but the rest I plead guilty to, I really was a typical nice guy pushover type back then. The type who would keep bending and bending backward, do anything to keep the peace until one day I'd snap hard. I didn't know how to assert myself let alone take my masculine place in the marriage. That is my part in the failure of my marriage.

Then about 4 years after I moved out of our house, she called me one night to express regret about our separation for the very first time ever and said, " . . . I finally figured out you really are one of the good guys. I was wrong about you. You care, you are honest, I can trust your words" and so on, this went for a few more minutes... I was speechless the whole time, my jaw was on the floor. She had to say "hey Zzyzx, you still there?"

A zillion things running through my head, all those recriminations, all that pent-up anger at her, it all vanished in the wind. I told her I forgave her and I meant it in my heart. Which is why I won't rehash details explicit enough for her to recognize herself in my postings should she ever come on this site. Of course there's more, but that would be hijacking this thread. I don't feel I need my own thread so anyone interested in my story will have to be satisfied with the bits and pieces I dribble out on other threads.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> They say there are three sides to every story. Mine, yours and the truth. In reading here we often times see the spouse portrayed as the villan. Not much is spoken about their good qualities and a whole lot is spoken about our good qualities.
> In the two instances when the spouse did come on here, the story was VERY different from what was being reported.
> So I am curious, what would your spouse say is "their side" of the story? For me, he would say that I am closed off emotionally. Do I portray that here though? Nope. I appear very open but is that reality? No.
> So, I am curious to hear from those who want to be very honest and skip the persona.


He has said I'm too needy, I'm suffocating, he's tired of being "the bad guy". He would say I'm 75% wrong. He would say he never knows when I'm going to be in a bad mood. He would say he feels self conscious about his art of photography because he always feels he is holding back because I might get jealous. So I hold him back, I'm too needy, I'm always in a bad mood or in a bad mood too often...but I'm usually in a bad mood because of his inattention and lack of support around the house. Plus he is more and more disinterested in spending time as a family. It scares me and hurts and it is hard to smile through all that and pretend there is nothing wrong.


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