# Uh oh........watching Hallmark movies may be setting me up to compare apples &oranges



## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

*Uh oh........watching Hallmark movies may be setting me up to compare apples &oranges*

One of my favorite parts of the holiday season is watching all of the holiday movies that come on some of the various channels. I have been reflecting so much over the past year about what's going on in my 23-year old marriage that I'm not sure if watching some of these movies has set me up for comparing apples to oranges or if I truly *am* missing out on what should be a fulfilling relationship. I know you cannot believe everything you see on TV, but I wonder if anybody DOES have one of these relationships where the husband treats the wife like a queen, thrives on making her happy, is affectionate, tells her she is beautiful, is attracted to her, and all of those things that are depicted on MOST of these movies. I know some of them are about Santa, orphaned children, and things like that, but the ones that have RELATIONSHIPS always seem to depict these relationships where the wife is the husband's world. I think other than the LD relationship we have (he is LD), the biggest thing for me is just feeling like I am just another dependent to him, like our children. He isn't abusive, isn't even MEAN, but I have never felt like he put me on any kind of pedestal, he says it just isn't him to compliment (and we've talked MANY a time about my love language being affirmation), and of course the whole LD issue. Is it the norm to have a R where the H and W have that kind of relationship with those elements, or is that just pie-in-the-sky and I should feel bad for even wanting that?? BTW, I realize people have to have their own outside interests - and he does - I am just saying I would LOVE to be put on a pedestal and be THE most important thing to him. Thoughts??? Did TV send me off on a road of faulty thinking???

Sunshine


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

*Re: Uh oh........watching Hallmark movies may be setting me up to compare apples &ora*

Yes, please don't do that! 

My W does that and it makes "realize all the problems in our marriage".

I think Hallmark/romantic comedy type movies are the equivalent to porn for women...like emotional porn that defies reasonable expectations and gives women this illusion of a fairytale marriage where everything is happy, shiny and glamorous for the women all the time. I honestly think that my wife felt our marriage would be like that when she got married to me.

Not saying it's impossible to have an ideal relationship, but Hollywood makes it look way too easy and commonplace.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

*Re: Uh oh........watching Hallmark movies may be setting me up to compare apples &ora*

For the most part pie in the sky (and I am saying this as someone who actually has what I consider a very strong marriage).

Your best bet, change the channel from Hallmark to TNT between 10am-1pm and watch Supernatural reruns, this is probably just as accurate of a representation as those Hallmark movies :grin2:


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

*Re: Uh oh........watching Hallmark movies may be setting me up to compare apples &ora*

Rather than watching Hallmark, I watch crime shows. It is amazing the cheating spouses who have their left-behind spouse knocked off rather than going through divorce. And I watched A Lion in Winter yesterday on TNT. It is part of my Christmas tradition, and used to watch it on BBC America. Funny how THIS time I noticed, aside from being reminded what fabulous actors Peter O'Toole and Katharine Hepburn were, that O'Toole's character King Henry II was having a major-league midlife crisis and that he and Eleanor really DID love each other, right up to the end, but couldn't live together, especially after his first infidelity. That film (and the Broadway play before it) was set in 1183. Some things never change, despite the romance novels and the sappy movies!


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

*Re: Uh oh........watching Hallmark movies may be setting me up to compare apples &ora*

First of all, different people and couples have their own dynamic, and will express their love in different ways, perhaps via one or more of the love languages so many mention here.

One way is the way you're describing from those movies. I would say that I daily show my love, appreciation, respect, and desire for my wife. It's not unlike some of the depictions in the more romantic movies. Of course, this would probably not be the case if she were not fully reciprocating the love, respect, affection, and desire. This dynamic would differ or be ruined if we didn't have similar levels of desire, though - LD/HD pairings are tough, and often much harder on the HD. We are most important to each other, and have proved this time and again.

Anyway, this kind of relationship is not unusual, but neither are they common. Half of marriages fail, and I'm sure half (or more) of the rest aren't that happy. What's good enough? That's a fuzzy decision, and one only you can make - or try to change.


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

*Re: Uh oh........watching Hallmark movies may be setting me up to compare apples &ora*

I knew IN THEORY that these shows are all pie-in-the-sky and not 'real life', but it helps to hear others say it.  TeddieG, believe it or not, any other time of the year, I am HOOKED on all of those crime shows, lol. There is a 'love triangle' virtually 99% of the time, lol. I guess I need to balance my holiday movies with some 'reality', lol. I have not seen the movie you mention.

EllisRedding, maybe I need to check out Supernatural............not familiar with that. I definitely need some balance!

JukeBoxHero - yes, I immediately started comparing. I'm just struggling so much with these issues while HE sees NO PROBLEM whatsoever. It scares me - I've felt this way for a few years now and am trying desperately to somehow come to peace with it. These movies do not help.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

*Re: Uh oh........watching Hallmark movies may be setting me up to compare apples &ora*



> I know you cannot believe everything you see on TV, but I wonder if anybody DOES have one of these relationships where the husband treats the wife like a queen, thrives on making her happy, is affectionate, tells her she is beautiful, is attracted to her, and all of those things that are depicted on MOST of these movies.


Yes, it's possible, but people are individuals and don't all express themselves the way people in movies do. Also, every day life does make _romance _take a back seat at times, though the feelings are still there. My sister has that kind of relationship with her H, as do I though my SO and I aren't married (been together a loong time).



> BTW, I realize people have to have their own outside interests - and he does - I am just saying I would LOVE to be put on a pedestal and be THE most important thing to him. Thoughts??? Did TV send me off on a road of faulty thinking???


The pedestal thing is a no-go, though. Putting people on a pedestal often means you are treating that person as though they are MORE important and/or better than you are. Not only is that a rough place to be placed (you can never live up to the perfection they expect of you), it's also an unbalanced relationship and can lead the pedestalee (?) to start believing they actually are better and more important than the pedestaler (no one is more important than their partner in a marriage - they are partners, not Her Majesty and her royal subject.)

A person who has any self-worth and self-esteem does not put their partner on a pedestal.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

*Re: Uh oh........watching Hallmark movies may be setting me up to compare apples &ora*



LilMissSunshine said:


> I knew IN THEORY that these shows are all pie-in-the-sky and not 'real life', but it helps to hear others say it. TeddieG, believe it or not, any other time of the year, I am HOOKED on all of those crime shows, lol. There is a 'love triangle' virtually 99% of the time, lol. I guess I need to balance my holiday movies with some 'reality', lol. I have not seen the movie you mention.
> 
> EllisRedding, maybe I need to check out Supernatural............not familiar with that. I definitely need some balance!
> 
> JukeBoxHero - yes, I immediately started comparing. I'm just struggling so much with these issues while HE sees NO PROBLEM whatsoever. It scares me - I've felt this way for a few years now and am trying desperately to somehow come to peace with it. These movies do not help.


Sweet post! Maybe I need to watch more of the Hallmark versions of romance so I have some balance!! HA!! When my niece lived with me, she tried to get me to watch the Christmas holiday movie with Cameron Diaz and Kate Winslet, the one about switching houses for a holiday and the two girls falling in love. And of course I always watch Love, Actually, but the necklace thing with Alan Rickman always gets me. I do LOVE the little kid whose dad is played by Liam Neeson, though.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

*Re: Uh oh........watching Hallmark movies may be setting me up to compare apples &ora*

OP, do you worship the ground he walks on and cater to his every need? Or are you just envious of the pedestal treatment you see these movie women receive? 

It isn't my idea of normal. And what's normal depends on who you talk to.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

*Re: Uh oh........watching Hallmark movies may be setting me up to compare apples &ora*

One thing about the Hallmark and Lifetime movies, from what I've seen, is that the female characters NEVER treat their spouses/fiances/BFs as kings. It's always about how the males can please the women. As someone mentioned - a type of porn for women.

ETA: In order to be treated like a queen, you should be equally prepared to treat your spouse like a king. If you want to be adored, you need to be able to adore him. In a well functioning marriage, it's a 2 way street.


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## Slow Hand (Oct 4, 2015)

*Re: Uh oh........watching Hallmark movies may be setting me up to compare apples &ora*

There is one that I really liked a lot that isn't like that, it's called Three Days, it's a tear jerker though.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

*Re: Uh oh........watching Hallmark movies may be setting me up to compare apples &ora*

The Lion in Winter is a great movie. Hallmark Channel movies are too saccharine for my taste. I also look for Uncle Buck in December. A good-hearted man helps his brother out by looking after his nieces and nephew for a while. Hilarious bits and healing of a family. Plus there is snow!


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

*Re: Uh oh........watching Hallmark movies may be setting me up to compare apples &ora*



Plan 9 from OS said:


> One thing about the Hallmark and Lifetime movies, from what I've seen, is that the female characters NEVER treat their spouses/fiances/BFs as kings. It's always about how the males can please the women. As someone mentioned - a type of porn for women.
> 
> ETA: In order to be treated like a queen, you should be equally prepared to treat your spouse like a king. If you want to be adored, you need to be able to adore him. In a well functioning marriage, it's a 2 way street.


I agree, and it's one of the reasons I dislike those movies. Just like sexual porn, where the woman "treats" the man like a king and he gets his way no matter what (in most porn, I'm sure the inverse is true) and it may disgust women who watch it, so is the effect of emotional porn, where the man does everything for the women, but gets little in return, because she's in the movies, she has higher "value" than him and she's on a pedestal. 

If there's one thing I learned from NMMNG and PUA material, it's about how placing ANYONE on a pedestal is dangerous territory, and it harmful to getting one's own needs met.


So, I would say that you can get that relationship, but it takes lots of work. You can't just expect your man to become Super-Charming-Suave-Romance guy overnight and he should be treated with equal desire in meeting his needs.

You mentioned he's LD? maybe he needs more emotional love and you need more physical.


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

*Re: Uh oh........watching Hallmark movies may be setting me up to compare apples &ora*

YES, totally get that it is a two-way street! I don't think I necessarily treat him like a KING right now, though I guarantee I would try even harder if he WERE to start doing better (I probably treat him like almost-royalty right now, but definitely not like he is already king, lol). JukeBoxHero, he went on low-T therapy a few years ago for a good two years and it was the BEST two years of my life - not just physically with not as much LD going on, but also emotionally he seemed to be happier. *I* noticed it, but he quit taking the shots because he said *HE* didn't see any difference and it was an hour out of his week that he didn't have (((( I know better, but it is a sore spot to bring it up again. I soooo wish he would get back on those treatments.

I think I am also thinking backing to earlier relationships before I met him with a few guys who DID do the pedestal treatment................though they had so many other issues, I guess they had to have SOME perks for anybody to continue on with them (quite serious other issues I might add). I know it doesn't help to compare people with each other...................I just want those two years back when he was so awesome. Not that he was treating me like a QUEEN then, but he surely was happier and more affectionate.

Thanks for all of the other movie ideas, friends!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*Re: Uh oh........watching Hallmark movies may be setting me up to compare apples &ora*

I remember one of the 1st threads I read on this forum when I landed here years ago was written by a wife who couldn't watch romantic movies anymore.. ..this was the SUBJECT of her thread... it tore her up inside to what she was missing in her marriage.... I remember feeling how sad this must be...



Married but Happy said:


> *First of all, different people and couples have their own dynamic, and will express their love in different ways, perhaps via one or more of the love languages so many mention here.*
> 
> *One way is the way you're describing from those movies. **I would say that I daily show my love, appreciation, respect, and desire for my wife. It's not unlike some of the depictions in the more romantic movies. Of course, this would probably not be the case if she were not fully reciprocating the love, respect, affection, and desire. This dynamic would differ or be ruined if we didn't have similar levels of desire, though - LD/HD pairings are tough, and often much harder on the HD. We are most important to each other, and have proved this time and again.*
> 
> *Anyway, this kind of relationship is not unusual, but neither are they common.*










This is a good post....it allows room for even these types of marriages... they DO exist.. but true, it's on the rarer side..

I also feel a couples Love languages & high expression is a part of this.. myself & husband have this going on... I am ever so thankful for all he brings to my life, we are both HIGH in time & touch.. that's affection, bonding, togetherness, words of affirmation coming in a strong 3rd.. here comes the validation, the words of gratitude ...

This doesn't mean we don't have a good fight now & then though - sure we do!







But then we make up! ... Outside of that... when we're feeling connected, appreciated, we enjoy expressing it....sharing it...it's a continual breathing of life into our union... it just doesn't get old.. Sure storms come.. but at the end of the day.. you are thankful you still have each other to hold and go through it together. 

I have a book entitled " The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts ...it speaks of 5 different type marriages... one of those is the "*Romantic Marriage*".. . it says about *15%* of marriages fall into this category...that after 20, 30, even 40 yrs these couples still speak of mutual love, passion, excitement & ecstasy...

I was most interested in this chapter as I've always felt myself & husband higher on the romantic bar... one of my threads on this here .... 








http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ll-these-5-examples-has-changed-over-yrs.html

What was interesting in this chapter ..it said that a high proportion of people in Romantic marriages had sustained losses during childhood...abandonment, not feeling loved by a parent (for example) ...speaking of some "hole" in their childhoods.. ..

This WAS TRUE OF ME... I wanted a better life..I strongly wanted to find a soul mate.. a man I could trust & give my all to...I wanted a family of my own....like if I could find this special person.. to share it all with.. it would take away some of my wounds...

Maybe that doesn't sound healthy... also unrealistic...I wouldn't even disagree ... I think KNOWING in my heart that it doesn't work out like this for most.. has made me feel more gratitude for what I have .... what he's brought to my life.. does this make sense ?? It's more reason to treasure what's been given to me... I did marry a wonderful devoted giving man.. 

And true @Married but Happy ...we have our role in giving back.. treating him like a KING too.. When I got a firmer hold on this.. it enhanced our Union.. my husband opened up more (more vulnerability).... there was a time I took some things for granted.. I've lived & learned on this one.. Happy he hasn't held it against me. 

With saying all of this though.. still I will agree with you.. even said this not long ago to my husband.. as we watch many of these hallmark movies cuddled up together, speaking of the plot during the commercials.. .. that these movies are so darn unrealistic.. 

How they are always these attractively available







singles who meet up in their late 20's to 40's -with virtually no baggage , addictions etc.... their families are kind, generous & normal as american pie, they fall easily in love & what seems like living happily ever after.. 

Who can relate to this...not many of us...there is emotional baggage, often addictions for example that hamper many connections, causing a real struggle to find common ground... some family members could be from hell.. you get the picture.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

*Re: Uh oh........watching Hallmark movies may be setting me up to compare apples &ora*

Good evening
I don't know if marriages like that really exist. Maybe. My wife and I have had long term severe LD/HD problems (me the HD). Much of the time I have been frustrated, unhappy - but try to do the best for her. 

Now and then (and currently happening), she manages to enjoy lots of intimacy again for a while. Its wonderful. We are both happy. We touch and kiss all the time. We take moonlit walks on tropical beaches (really). Do little favors for each other. For now life is really really wonderful. I just fear that it will fade again - but if it does fade, it will not be due to my lack of attention or love for her.


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## ricky15100 (Oct 23, 2013)

*Re: Uh oh........watching Hallmark movies may be setting me up to compare apples &ora*

No offence op but your post came across as , me me me, what do you do for him?

Sent from my A0001 using Tapatalk


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Re: Uh oh........watching Hallmark movies may be setting me up to compare apples &ora*



ricky15100 said:


> No offence op but your post came across as , me me me, what do you do for him?
> 
> Sent from my A0001 using Tapatalk


*I somewhat agree here! You can do your level best to "pedistalize" him, and even he can even reciprocate in doing the very same for you; but it's how you really treat each other in your marital relationship, that is indicative of where the "proof of the pudding" truly lies!

Watch whatever shows or movies make you feel good, but know that he may not come back at you in much the same way!

Love him for who he is, and let him try do the same for you! *
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

*Re: Uh oh........watching Hallmark movies may be setting me up to compare apples &ora*

WELL.......................I probably needed to hear that. I think I will do a lot of self-reflection and see how *I* might be contributing towards this. Maybe there are things I can do. ANd we all know that WE are the only ones we can change.................doesn't work to try and change someone else. I am going to take an honest look at my behavior.................who knows, maybe that's where it can start??


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

*Re: Uh oh........watching Hallmark movies may be setting me up to compare apples &ora*



richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> Now and then (and currently happening), she manages to enjoy lots of intimacy again for a while. Its wonderful. We are both happy. We touch and kiss all the time. We take moonlit walks on tropical beaches (really). Do little favors for each other. For now life is really really wonderful. I just fear that it will fade again - but if it does fade, it will not be due to my lack of attention or love for her.


I know what you mean. We had a 2-year period where things were GREAT. Then it 'faded' when he quit taking his low T therapy. <<<<<<<<sigh>>>>>>>>>>>>. I hope maybe one day we can go back to the way it was those two years. By no means was he HD, but he was physically and emotionally much better when he was taking those shots.


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## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

*Re: Uh oh........watching Hallmark movies may be setting me up to compare apples &ora*



SimplyAmorous said:


> I remember one of the 1st threads I read on this forum when I landed here years ago was written by a wife who couldn't watch romantic movies anymore.. ..this was the SUBJECT of her thread... it tore her up inside to what she was missing in her marriage.... I remember feeling how sad this must be...
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Wow, that post sounds so familiar.................I can totally relate. It makes me sad thinking about it, too. You are totally right about the people on those movies, though..............and it is unrealistic. Who DOESN"T have issues of some kind??? I know our R is not "bad", and actually quite good, but I am really wanting more than just 'status quo' like it has been the last year or so. I know it's there, as we've had it before ((( Thanks for your post...........so much of it makes perfect sense and I agree with you on the movies!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*Re: Uh oh........watching Hallmark movies may be setting me up to compare apples &ora*



LilMissSunshine said:


> I think other than the LD relationship we have (he is LD), the biggest thing for me is just feeling like I am just another dependent to him, like our children. He isn't abusive, isn't even MEAN, but I have never felt like he put me on any kind of pedestal, *he says it just isn't him to compliment (and we've talked MANY a time about my love language being affirmation), and of course the whole LD issue.* Is it the norm to have a R where the H and W have that kind of relationship with those elements, or is that just pie-in-the-sky and I should feel bad for even wanting that?? BTW, I realize people have to have their own outside interests - and he does - I am just saying I would LOVE to be put on a pedestal and be THE most important thing to him. Thoughts??? Did TV send me off on a road of faulty thinking???


Getting back to your opening post...you said how HE SAID -he's just not the complimenting type... yet he KNOWS this is what lights you up.. one of your primary love languages.. I can see WHY you feel as you do.. anyone in your shoes would.. 

As a touchy / feely type....I'd be very ....if my husband felt too much affection was "too clingy" or I felt he was always trying to get away...(just as an example)... I don't think we can change these things about ourselves... we're just wired a certain way.. 

Just a thought.. just because he doesn't speak all the romantic things -let's say a man who spills more words of admiration.. it doesn't mean you aren't the most important thing in his life... it sounds you have a GOOD marriage.. many yrs together ..not all men talk like that.. but they feel it non the less...even if they don't speak it often...

For instance...I know of a couple where - I am sure this man's wife is his most important EVERYTHING ... yet words of affirmation is NOT something he does much at all.. he's an Acts of Service /Gifts man.. he shows these love languages in many ways to her.. to friends, family.. VERY HELPFUL, very kind...

BUT...

She shared with me one day.. I loved her cooking & said I bet her husband gives her lots of compliments..She said "NO.. he doesn't... let me tell you a story"... here I guess it wasn't until 10 yrs into their marriage (or maybe longer, I can't remember for sure)... ..she'll never forget the black dress she was wearing.. & she almost fainted when he complimented her ! 

I looked at her with my mouth hanging open







& told her one thing is for sure.. she is not a Words of Affirmation type or she'd want to KILL Him ! ..She just went on to say how he makes up for it in other ways.. she can live with it..



LilMissSunshine said:


> *he went on low-T therapy a few years ago for a good two years and it was the BEST two years of my life - not just physically with not as much LD going on, but also emotionally he seemed to be happier. *I* noticed it, but he quit taking the shots because he said *HE* didn't see any difference and it was an hour out of his week that he didn't have (((( I know better, but it is a sore spot to bring it up again. I soooo wish he would get back on those treatments*.


I am wondering -given being married 23 yrs, and you being the more HIGH DRIVE... if you aren't in your Hormonal Surging peri-menopause years.. it was THAT that led ME to this forum.. pretty much.. my H was always higher drive till I hit age 42... then Wooooaw.... we switched roles.. he could not keep up with me ...I was a little frustrated.. started to question his desire.... I thought he needed Test therapy.. got him tested.. he was on the lower end of normal during that time (they got a new boss during that time - who was causing the guys some stress at work though too)...

But he was OK...and didn't need anything, so the Endocrinologist felt (though she did say he may someday in the future)... she handed him some viagra... I had to calm my jets for a time.... though he did all he could.. he was a trooper.. I must admit this meant the world to me... and thank God for that little blue pill.. his attitude was .. If I can get it up.. I'm going to use it !

How much HIGHER is your drive.. and WHY did he stop taking it... if the Doctor put him on the treatments.. did the Doctor also feel he no longer needed them?? 

This is not an easy place to be.. I found myself frustrated during that time & really I wasn't even being deprived. .. it was INTENSE... I felt like I stepped into the body of a young raging testosterone laden teen who couldn't get enough sex , even PORN became electric to me suddenly.. .. I would get very very ANTSY even start a fight if I didn't think my husband wanted to do it.. sounds awful.. right [email protected]# I even caused him some performance pressure.. but we worked through that.. got this book below... that had the same exercises a Sex therapist would send you home with... 

 Sexual Healing: The Complete Guide to Overcoming Common Sexual Problems 

It makes all the difference -with our husband's attitude in this.. for sure.. Was you always the higher drive , or has your roles switched as you hit your 40's? There is this little explanation of this I found online about our hormones...



> *Balance the seesaw*. When they were first married, the man remembered, he always took the sexual lead, pulling his wife close and whispering his desire to make love. But now, 20 years later, she often makes the first move.
> 
> Again, hormonal changes are bringing the couple into closer balance. Men and women both produce testosterone and estrogen, but the proportion of each changes over the years. The male's shifting levels of estrogen and testosterone may make him more willing to follow than to lead, happy for his wife to set the pace. And as a woman's estrogen declines and her testosterone becomes proportionately greater, she may become more assertive.





LilMissSunshine said:


> WELL.......................I probably needed to hear that. I think I will do a lot of self-reflection and see how *I* might be contributing towards this. Maybe there are things I can do. ANd we all know that WE are the only ones we can change.................doesn't work to try and change someone else. I am going to take an honest look at my behavior.................who knows, maybe that's where it can start??


Sounds you have a really GOOD attitude.. I will admit I kinda took my husband for granted in some ways before I hit my sexual surge. ..when that happened.. I felt really NEEDY - in this area.. and I did all I possibly could to make his life easier.. I sought anything that would turn him on.... so I could get more sex out of him.. though seriously.. I think I just had some sort of awakening to what's always been right in front of me... 

I did this Movie maker video of our lives together..that threw me into realizing.. "OMG... our lives are half over.. where did the time go.. it flew past us".. watching that back with a sappy love song... I wanted to grab that young man on the screen & live those years over somehow.. (Mid Life crisis anyone!) yet.. it wasn't about what I missed.. but what *WE missed*.. so it was a good thing.. but again. his attitude made all the difference in this.. 

Just wondering if any of this sounds familiar to you @LilMissSunshine ?

On what you said here...seek to know what does it for him.. anything you can do* to inspire more intimacy* ... I did this thread on Open Ended questions ... it's mostly about communication.. but that's a good start..

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-t...ng-intimacy-insight-open-ended-questions.html


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