# Home and abroad



## Oceansized (Jun 18, 2012)

Hi, I want to live abroad but my wife doesnt! We have 3 options - Stay in our present house, remortgage and pay until I'm 70 ! --Downsize to a smaller house ,pay off the mortgage/debts and be finacially stable-- Downsize to a small place here and buy a small place abroad. sounds simple, BUT ! I don't want to downsize and live in the same city-- my wife doesnt want a small place here and abroad. We dont really want to remortgage and pay until I'm 70 ! --- at the end of it, I want to here/abroad, my wife wants here only !! :scratchhead::scratchhead:


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## Bambusa (Feb 3, 2010)

I love living abroad. We're doing that at the moment. If my husband wasn't on board though then I'd probably stay in our home Country.

Would living there but travelling on extended holidays work? Maybe even look at house swaps to keep the costs down. There are a few websites that offer people the opportunity to swap homes with other like minded people for short and long term vacations.


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## Oceansized (Jun 18, 2012)

Thanks for your reply. It's down to finances really, If we get a place abroad we would have less to spend on a place here, and the choice with limited finances would be a place neither of us would want. We have a really nice house here, but both kids have flown the nest, (thru uni and out the other side) . Trouble is the wife wants a place near to this house which wouldnt release enough funds for the place abroad. The other side to the story is -- We were on the verge of splitting up a few months ago and I was going off on my own. My wife wouldnt let go and me having too much empathy, we have got back together. Problem is we are back to square one! Yes if we could sort out a place here and take extended trips abroad, I would agree to that, but I've looked and looked again at the type of property that would enable us to do this, and really can't find a suitable place. If we both moved abroad then we could have a nice place and money in the bank to piut our feet up and enjoy life. But there is no chance my wife agreeing to this. Just cant find an answer.


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## Tiberius (Mar 22, 2012)

We live abroad and let me tell you the grass is NOT greener on the other side. It needs feeding and cutting the same.

While living abroad has broadened our horizons and given us the financial stability, it has not been roses.
Battling with a lot of red tape, learning the language, trying to understand cultural differences, it has all dampened the enjoyment of sea, sunshine, good food, seeing new places, etc. Being on holiday and living in the same place are 2 totally different things.

So, we hope that when our kids go to UNI, we will move back to our home country, in a nice stone cottage and enjoy our family and friends, and share the same sense of humour with our compatriots. 

Yes, it will rain a lot, but there will be so much more to do and fulfil ourselves with.
If you move, is your wife not going to miss your children?


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

It sounds to me that you are being unreasonable, while making every effort to make your wife look like the unreasonable one. You configure and conform every possibility to appear impossible or impractical so the outcome always favors moving abroad as you want to do. There is no likelihood at all that you cannot find a "suitable" place to live. No place will be suitable for you that is not abroad wherever it is you want to move to.

I don't see any compromise either. You want a place both here and abroad but say it is not possible to find an affordable place here so you have enough money to travel abroad occasionally. I don't get that. How can you afford to own a home in two different countries but cannot own a home in one country because it won't allow enough money to travel abroad occasionally?

I wouldn't want to move abroad as a choice either. Travelling and visiting is very nice and quite enough for me. I wouldn't want my husband trying to force me to see it his way, but I would be willing to compromise and change my standards so we have enough money to travel abroad if he wants to. If the option of living abroad is on the table, then moving to a different area (in home country) is a compromise if it affords a nice place to live and extended vacations.


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## Oceansized (Jun 18, 2012)

a one bed apartment abroad and a one bed flat here is a lot cheaper than finding a house within this area which my wife wants. I have lived here for many years where my wife has wanted to be, so why not my turn ?


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

Oceansized said:


> I have lived here for many years where my wife has wanted to be, so why not my turn ?


So, why didn't you say this in the first place, rather going through all that rigmarole to garner support? This statement alone is worth supporting. Sorry though, I have no suggestions how to bring your wife over to your side. 

What is her aversion to owning a home abroad. I'm thinking she doesn't want to live abroad, but you do and that's why you want a home in both places. In that case, it doesn't make sense to her to buy a place here and there if you'll both be living there and not here. But, she doesn't want to live there, so that's why she wants a nicer place here because here is where she will be living.

In other words, she's not falling for having a place in both countries because she knows you want to live in the other country and not here, but she refuses to live there.


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## Bambusa (Feb 3, 2010)

Home Exchange | Vacation House Swap | Property Exchange | House Swapping

This is the type of thing I was referring to. You have your nice home in the location your wife wants and you swap that with another family/couple who feel the same way you do. 

They may want to travel to your location for a month or two and vice versa, so instead of hotel rooms, finding someone to mind your garden/dog/house, you swap houses for the duration.


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## Oceansized (Jun 18, 2012)

Thanks, swapping places is not really our thing unfortunatley.
spose it really boils down to my wife is just not interested in living abroad, and I am. With this euro up the spout at the moment aint helping matters.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

I understand what you are saying, Ocean, and that's one of those values gaps that is really hard to bridge.

I wouldn't make any irrevocable decisions either way by now, doesn't sound like the relationship is all that stable. Give it some time.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> I have lived here for many years where my wife has wanted to be, so why not my turn ?


Because your wife does not want to live abroad, and I'm sure she has given you her reasons for that. It is not all financial, and I think you know that, so framing it as a finance-only decision will get you nowhere.

If you want to change her mind, you have to address ALL of her reasons for not wanting to move to another country, not just the financial ones that you are focused on. 

I'm sure you have other reasons for wanting to live somewhere else that have nothing to do with money, so you can understand that she has her reasons for not wanting to move that have nothing to do with money. Have you considered those reasons at all?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Go to a good MC who will help you talk about it and come to an agreement that you both will be enthusiastic about.


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## Oceansized (Jun 18, 2012)

norajane said:


> Because your wife does not want to live abroad, and I'm sure she has given you her reasons for that. It is not all financial, and I think you know that, so framing it as a finance-only decision will get you nowhere.
> 
> If you want to change her mind, you have to address ALL of her reasons for not wanting to move to another country, not just the financial ones that you are focused on.
> 
> I'm sure you have other reasons for wanting to live somewhere else that have nothing to do with money, so you can understand that she has her reasons for not wanting to move that have nothing to do with money. Have you considered those reasons at all?


No not all financial, but if the money was available it would be so much easier.

ok, I have wanted to live abroad for many years, I hate winter in this country, I am cold all the time! both my children 21 +25 are fully supportive of my wishes. I just want a new life, not seeing the same people, places etc for the rest of time. I'm 60 this year, I've had a physical job all my life and quite honestly I'm knackered! Just want to relax into a life where I dont hibernate for 6 months in the cold and dark! If we stay here I land up working til I stop breathing! - Wife - We agreed last year that our marriage was over and we should go our seperate ways, (both agreed) Then several months later she broke down and said she wanted us to try again, I couldn't see her hurt that much, we are trying again and apart from where we live we are fine, but we are back to sq one! we live very near to her mum and dad who she will never leave, our children live in other counties and have their own lives, we do visit them.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What country do you want to move to? I wonder if this is part of the problem.


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## Oceansized (Jun 18, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> What country do you want to move to? I wonder if this is part of the problem.


I wanted to live in Tenerife, my sister has lived there for 8 years and I have loved where she lives. Tho my wife doesnt like her (long story) so she asked me to go to Spain instead as it's cheaper to get to and a shorter flight to visit the kids. I agreed, but now my wife is saying we can't afford to live here and in Spain as the cost of living there is too high over there! Round in circles! I could give in, but I know I will regret it! No problem with the language as I speak pretty good Spanish. I would honestly just do it now, but I hate to see her hurt!


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> we live very near to her mum and dad who she will never leave


This seems to be a hard boundary. I don't think you'll get past it.

I moved back to my hometown after living for years in a place that felt like paradise to me, and I did it reluctantly, but I did it for the parents. They are getting older, and while they are generally ok healthwise, they're starting to spend more and more time with doctors. 

I wouldn't be able to move away and leave them on their own, either, no matter how much I would prefer to live elsewhere.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Oceansized said:


> We agreed last year that our marriage was over and we should go our seperate ways, (both agreed) Then several months later she broke down and said she wanted us to try again, I couldn't see her hurt that much, we are trying again and apart from where we live we are fine, but we are back to sq one! we live very near to her mum and dad who she will never leave, our children live in other counties and have their own lives, we do visit them.


First you say you're willing to leave your wife and divorce, but then you say once you got back together you're not willing to rock the boat to get what YOU want out fo the marriage. Which is it? Did you get back together just because she cried? Then go read No More Mr Nice Guy and learn how a husband is supposed to LEAD his family.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why don't you just agree on you (by yourself) living where YOU want to live for the winter months, and she can dote on her parents all she wants, and then you can come back and stay with her in the warmer months?


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## Oceansized (Jun 18, 2012)

turnera said:


> Why don't you just agree on you (by yourself) living where YOU want to live for the winter months, and she can dote on her parents all she wants, and then you can come back and stay with her in the warmer months?


I just signed on to say exactly this! Would everyone agree this would be a compromise ?


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## Oceansized (Jun 18, 2012)

turnera said:


> First you say you're willing to leave your wife and divorce, but then you say once you got back together you're not willing to rock the boat to get what YOU want out fo the marriage. Which is it? Did you get back together just because she cried? Then go read No More Mr Nice Guy and learn how a husband is supposed to LEAD his family.


(both agreed !) Just thought it was over for the BOTH of us, wasn't until my wife broke down and said there was love in the marriage, we both realised we could start again. Lead my family, christ I've worked my fingers to the bone to provide, put both my children thru university and still support them.


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## Oceansized (Jun 18, 2012)

norajane said:


> This seems to be a hard boundary. I don't think you'll get past it.
> 
> I moved back to my hometown after living for years in a place that felt like paradise to me, and I did it reluctantly, but I did it for the parents. They are getting older, and while they are generally ok healthwise, they're starting to spend more and more time with doctors.
> 
> I wouldn't be able to move away and leave them on their own, either, no matter how much I would prefer to live elsewhere.


I fully understand, I have no mother or father and my children and sisters live miles away, only see one sister.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Oceansized said:


> (both agreed !) Just thought it was over for the BOTH of us, wasn't until my wife broke down and said there was love in the marriage, we both realised we could start again. Lead my family, christ I've worked my fingers to the bone to provide, put both my children thru university and still support them.


 Leading means to stand up and do what's right for everyone, you included. It doesn't mean just being a provider and moneybags. Put on your own oxygen mask first, and all that.


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## Oceansized (Jun 18, 2012)

turnera said:


> Leading means to stand up and do what's right for everyone, you included. It doesn't mean just being a provider and moneybags. Put on your own oxygen mask first, and all that.


How can you say whats right for everyone! whats right for me and whats right for my wife are two diffrent things! Putting my own oxygene mask first  really! thats why have I lived somewhere I haven't wanted to for 25 years !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:sleeping:


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Look at it this way: you're in a marriage and you, as the head of the family, have an image of what a marriage NEEDS, to survive and thrive. You make choices that support that. If she balks then you say 'ok, let's sit down and discuss this so that we both get what we want. What do YOU expect to get out of this marriage?'

Then listen to her. But then YOU tell HER what YOU expect to get out of it. If she refuses to even budge toward giving you at least half of what you want, then you just look at her and say 'Well, I guess we're at an impasse then, aren't we? We want two different things out of life. I'm willing to compromise and stay with you here for 6 months out of the year; are you willing to stay with me in ____ for 6 months? If not, then I guess we need to move toward a separation, because I can't continue to give up everything I want, just to make you happy.'


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## Oceansized (Jun 18, 2012)

turnera said:


> Look at it this way: you're in a marriage and you, as the head of the family, have an image of what a marriage NEEDS, to survive and thrive. You make choices that support that. If she balks then you say 'ok, let's sit down and discuss this so that we both get what we want. What do YOU expect to get out of this marriage?'
> 
> Then listen to her. But then YOU tell HER what YOU expect to get out of it. If she refuses to even budge toward giving you at least half of what you want, then you just look at her and say 'Well, I guess we're at an impasse then, aren't we? We want two different things out of life. I'm willing to compromise and stay with you here for 6 months out of the year; are you willing to stay with me in ____ for 6 months? If not, then I guess we need to move toward a separation, because I can't continue to give up everything I want, just to make you happy.'


Totally agree with what you have said, I will do this, ---but I'm afraid I think I already know the answer!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Then why would you want to waste the rest of your life with someone who doesn't put you first?

Plenty of fish in the sea, my friend.


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