# Wife says its not you... I think...



## Frozen Joe (Feb 1, 2012)

Hello, I hope I found a place to talk about my issue, there are numerous subjects on this matter and unfortunately I have no one besides my wife to talk to about this and she rather not while she thinks about things. She reassures me she loves me and makes sure to tell me.

We have been married for 15 years, our life is not perfect, and the past few years have been awful stressful on both of us due to family issues and financial matters.

Last week my wife put my emotions into a whirlwind when I tried to engage in some petting and kissing that she need to tell me she don't want sex anymore. The thought of it causes her knees to lock together. I was devastated, we hardly have sex as she always turns down my advances and as always tired.

She asked that I let her go to her aunts for the weekend about 200miles from here to think. I agreed but for some reason my brain is giving me a doomsday warning.

The more I think about this the more I wish I knew what I have learned on the internet over the past few days. I am not perfect, but I always loved and adored my wife. I respected when she told me she was tired and didn't want sex, though some days I acted like a spoiled child because it had been months and I was so frustrated I couldn't tell her how bad it feels to be turned down weekly.

Now she doesn't get dressed in front of me, she wears sweats to bed, and the longest kiss I get is maybe a long 1second kiss.

Unfortunately I am currently limited to what I can do since I just had surgery for my ankle and can not get around very well. She has not neglected me in this matter she has been more than helpful and only deepens my love for her. My brain is playing the what ifs in my head, though there is no reason to think she is cheating on me. And the more I think about it, the clinger I have gotten according to her. What am I supposed to do? I am so scared I am going to lose the one woman who is the center of my life.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'd probably respond the LACK of sex causes me to call my attorney.


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## Frozen Joe (Feb 1, 2012)

So easy to threaten divorce, but I love her and I don't want divorce to be a course of action.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Frozen Joe said:


> So easy to threaten divorce, but I love her and I don't want divorce to be a course of action.


My heart goes out to you it does however she has just cut you off. Period end of story. She's stopped getting dressed in front of you, wearing sweats to bed, etc. I've read many stories just like this on here and it never ever ends well.

So it's either a life of celibacy or move on. This isn't a low drive scenario she has flat out said she's done having sex.

The good news is you are in the right place. There are plenty of people here in the same sexless boat as you who have chosen not to divorce.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

I"m sorry you are here.

From my own experiences, as a woman, I understand the locking the knees together and wearing sweats to bed. That's a sign of I'm done. Years of issues and resentments, basically saying that all the problems have spilled into the bedroom and there is even maybe a hate there. 

Some people can put it all aside and still have sex. Not very many.
It's a sympton of :

-serious marriage problems. Counselling would help.
-an affair
-serious mental or medical issues. See a doctor.

No, it's not very acceptable to just shut your partner out without talking about these issues. A lot of people dont know how to do that, though.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Her lack of desire and need to be 200 miles away are BIG red flags for infidelity.

It may very well be the case that she's not being unfaithful but if I were in your shoes an affair is the first thing I would rule out before approaching the intimacy problem.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

First, you have to rule out an affair. And I don't mean that you think she wouldn't do that to you. She has no problem being cruel to you. A wife withholding sex from her husband is cruel. It's not far to go past that to get to an affair. You have to know.

Put a keylogger on her computer so that you can monitor her email/Facebook. Even if you know her passwords and can access her accounts, she could be using an underground account solely for affair purposes, or deleting her messages pertaining to the affair.

Put a voice-activated recorder under the seat of her car. If she's making phone calls to another man, she's probably talking to him in her car.

Also, check her credit card statement. If she's going to her aunt's, she shouldn't have hotel reservations.

Once you've confirmed that she's not cheating, then you need to work on yourself. Stop clinging. It only drives her away. The irony is that, if you withdraw, she may come closer to you. Get in the gym. Get in shape. Work on an interesting hobby. Get out more. Become a more interesting person. That may help pull some attraction from your wife.

Check out Married Man Sex Life for some great tips.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Frozen Joe said:


> So easy to threaten divorce, but I love her and I don't want divorce to be a course of action.


It is not a threat - you don't say "do me or I'll divorce you". You tell her that she has a choice to honor your marriage or not, you respect her right to choose in her best interests, but you will do the same.

If I were you I would tell her to take that time to think if she wants to. Don't kick her out, but don't prevent her from going. I would consider making this a full separation - separate finances, minimal contact, etc. If the goal is to see how life without you would be (which is what it sounds like) then she should get the full effect.

If she's on the internet as you say, chances are she's also looking for input for this issue (from her perspective). The problem is there are lots of people who will pat her on the head and say "there, there - you're fine and a lack of sex is not a legitimate issue for him and does not make you a bad wife". So, you need to be solid in your convictions.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Frozen Joe said:


> The more I think about this the more I wish I knew what I have learned on the internet over the past few days. I am not perfect, but I always loved and adored my wife. I respected when she told me she was tired and didn't want sex, though some days I acted like a spoiled child because it had been months and I was so frustrated I couldn't tell her how bad it feels to be turned down weekly.


Hi Joe ~

I think you need to do some work here on yourself to understand why it is that you wouldn't tell her how you felt. Someone who does not have intimacy/physical touch up at the top of their 'love languages' is not going to understand the emotional turmoil that it causes their spouse if it is hidden away - if it is never discussed, never seen. And it is not 'couldn't tell her', it really is 'wouldn't tell her', because it was your choice to not discuss or push the issue more because you were afraid or leery of her actions/reactions.

As well, by now you probably realize that acting like a spoiled child is a big turn-off to a woman. There are some good threads over in the Men's Clubhouse in the sticky thread at the top ("Man Up/Nice Guy") that can give you some additional food for thought on things you can do going forward to take back your life and your self-respect again.

Best wishes.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Frozen Joe said:


> So easy to threaten divorce, but I love her and I don't want divorce to be a course of action.


I get that, but her wanting to get away and experience life away from you (even if she's not having an affair) is a STRONG sign that SHE IS considering divorce.

Don't let yourself be blindsided. This is another good reason to make it clear you intend this to be a separation (her moving out with a possibility of reconciliation), not a vacation of some sort. At least in my area, leaving the home is the date of separation - you are not responsible for anything she does after that date. Are you convinced that she would not run up a ton of bills to pamper herself and screw you over? Do you want her to hook up with any affair partner and charge that encounter to marital assets? The answer is "no" to both.

Disclaimer: I'm not an attorney. I would strongly encourage you to see one before she moves out and educate yourself.


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## TallJeff (Nov 1, 2011)

I'd tell her if she can have love without sex then you should be able to have sex without love -- meaning with someone else.

See what she says. It's a 2-way street.


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## Frozen Joe (Feb 1, 2012)

Thanks for the comments, while some hurt to hear, it opened my eyes and allowed me to be 100% honest with my wife and how I feel. 

We talked about it more and she has already made a appointment to see a doctor. Unfortunately its still a week away. We even talked about her wearing sweats to bed, and she stated its cold, and I can't argue that as lately the subzero temps has kept the heater running and the house still feels cold. 

A couple things I didn't tell you is her Aunt who lives 200 miles away is all she has left of her immediate family and she isn't doing very well health-wise. And since I live in Alaska its not exactly a long distance as one would feel in other states.

As for a affair, I looked at our cell phone bills and no real change in phone calls or texts mostly from and to our kids. While some will claim I am in denial I do think exhaustion is part of it, maybe depression too getting the kids to help with the house has been a uphill battle for us. 

Thanks again for all the advice and I will work on myself too. Just sometimes hard to figure out what to do when you have no one to talk to.


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