# Why choose a long separation?



## Kathrynthegreat (Apr 23, 2012)

STBXH and I finally started talking about the elephant in the room in April. In early May we agreed our marriage was dead. Filed for D the day after Memorial Day. Everything is amicable and agreed-upon so it looks like D should be final in August. 

I have friends who have been separated from their spouse for 2 and 3 years and I guess I just don't understand it. Can somebody give me some insight into why the long separations? Seems to me that if you haven't lived in the same house, had sex, or even spoken civilly for 3 years, you might as well go ahead and D. I'm just honestly curious.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

It can cost a fair amount of money to finalize things, and some people don't want to admit things are over. I'm going on 17 months now, and the two things holding me back are the cost and the pain I know my wife will feel when we go through the legal stuff. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

We couldn't fix our own problems much less the marriage problems until we separated...we didn't know what the final result was going to be, she's even made a few calls to divorce lawyers, but we did know we needed to heal our selves before anything else could be saved...

It's been 18 months, I've been sober for close to a year...been in MC for 6 months and things are going really good right now...instead of things going back to the "good old days," we expect them to be better in the future...

If we had rushed into the divorce, neither of us would have addressed our problems, that would have been our quick fix, I wouldn't be sober, and she wouldn't have addressed her self-esteem issues...and we would never have had the chance to grow back together like we have...after 25 years together, 18 months isn't anything to try to make things right, I am glad we waited!


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Kathrynthegreat said:


> STBXH and I finally started talking about the elephant in the room in April. In early May we agreed our marriage was dead. Filed for D the day after Memorial Day. Everything is amicable and agreed-upon so it looks like D should be final in August.
> 
> I have friends who have been separated from their spouse for 2 and 3 years and I guess I just don't understand it. Can somebody give me some insight into why the long separations? Seems to me that if you haven't lived in the same house, had sex, or even spoken civilly for 3 years, you might as well go ahead and D. I'm just honestly curious.


In some cases, such as long term marriages, some people hang on to the "separation" status in order to keep the marital benefits in place. For example, I can remain on my spouse's health insurance policy so long as we are not divorced. Once divorced, I would have to find an independent insurance carrier and pay a monthly fee to have my own health insurance, which can run into hundreds of dollars a month. Since I have no intention of getting married to someone else anytime soon  I'm fine with a long separation.

I know of another woman who remained separated for a long period of time in order to enjoy her husband's military benefits.

So long as this is agreed upon by both parties, I don't see a problem with it. If neither is willing to pay lawyers for a complete divorce, then this is an option.


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

Kathrynthegreat said:


> STBXH and I finally started talking about the elephant in the room in April. In early May we agreed our marriage was dead. Filed for D the day after Memorial Day. Everything is amicable and agreed-upon so it looks like D should be final in August.
> 
> I have friends who have been separated from their spouse for 2 and 3 years and I guess I just don't understand it. Can somebody give me some insight into why the long separations? Seems to me that if you haven't lived in the same house, had sex, or even spoken civilly for 3 years, you might as well go ahead and D. I'm just honestly curious.


There are some forums that say this is the way to go -- hoping that the 2 people somehow work things out.

My feeling is that no one should get divorced until they have both done everything possible to save the marriage -- both physically, emotionally and spiritually. If this fails -- then time to move on. Again this is my opinion.


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## WokenUP (Jun 23, 2012)

In my case, over a year now, it's been the complete lack of logic from my STBXW - and per my attorney, her continual delay to maximize her time before she actually has to face the world (i.e. get a job)


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I've been separated for more than four years with a divorce in "suspension". It's simple for me. I have health insurance as long as I'm married. Once I lose that health insurance, I can't get another policy. I've tried. The other reason is because we have some complicated legal/financial issues. So, at least for now, I'm content with how things are. I have spousal support and health insurance.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

827Aug said:


> I've been separated for more than four years with a divorce in "suspension". It's simple for me. I have health insurance as long as I'm married. Once I lose that health insurance, I can't get another policy. I've tried. The other reason is because we have some complicated legal/financial issues. So, at least for now, I'm content with how things are. I have spousal support and health insurance.


That's exactly why I'm in the process of getting both spousal support and health insurance as well, and will let everything else just sort of coast until retirement.


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## MilitaryWifeAK (Jun 25, 2012)

I'm new to this forum and wanted some feedback from others.

Hubby and I have been separated for almost 16 months which, to me, seems like an eternity. He is active-duty military and I was not asked to join him at his new duty station. We are married 19 years; at 20 years, I get a portion of his retirement and medical benefits. He said "You deserve it!"

He has made no efforts to save the marriage, to my knowledge, and has refused marital counseling when I suggested it. He IS a marriage & family therapist and knows that it's necessary.

There is no infidelity on my part and none on his, that I'm aware of. I think he's depressed, due to many military deployments and health issues associated with them. I have sent him the "you're free to go" email, as suggested by Dr. James Dobson in his book _Love Must Be Tough_. That was three weeks ago, and there has been no reply.

My thoughts are that "we" are not in the forefront of his mind--he's most likely focused on retirement, medical issues, etc. and has put "us" on the back burner, for now.

Does anybody have any insight into why he might not have called for the past 6 months and emails stopped a month ago? Do we just continue this long separation and "facade" until the end of the 20-year military cycle?


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## MilitaryWifeAK (Jun 25, 2012)

Abra said:


> I don't think the changes I'm asking for are that unreasonable and are basic social skills in life. So, if it's easy to do, why not do it? Even though he won't do it - because I know he can, I just keep hoping that he will. It would be better to make this work than to start over again in life. Maybe he doesn't change because he doesn't really care if I divorce him or he wants me to take responsibility for the divorce. Maybe I don't divorce because I don't feel like I have a good enough reason? I ask myself all the time why don't I just divorce him and start my life over clean instead of being so stuck.


It's interesting to hear this from the point of the "leaver", as I've wondered what my husband might be thinking. He says he's looking for "consistent behavior over time". He is a minister, and I reminded him that there are no Biblical grounds for divorce in our marriage. This is just all so confusing for me, and I wonder how long it will take for him to get out of this D mindset.


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## MilitaryWifeAK (Jun 25, 2012)

Thanks for your response. You must be familiar with the tough love letter and know that I started it by telling his how much I loved him and wanted the marriage to work. I continued it with letting him know that I can't hold him against his will, if he wants out of the marriage. I told him he was free to go, if that's what he wanted.

He saw me several times since we separated (we live in separate states, due to the military) and told me that he noticed the changes. He likes them! His worry is that I'll go back to being the "old" me (negative and sarcastic) and is just afraid. With our not being together for him to see the changes, how will things ever work out?


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