# Emotional affair or not... contacting old flame



## wwwwwwww (Aug 30, 2015)

Hi:

I just wanted opinions on this. My husband told me when we were dating that he was "in love" with a high school friend when he was in high school but nothing came of it. They were just friends, never dated and she married someone at 18 and moved away.

Fast forward 25 years. We went to a high school reunion of his. I met all his old gang that he had lost touch with and it was nice. But this girl was not there. I did not even think of her at all at the reunion. 
Days later though, he tells me that he had asked guys at this reunion where she was, what she was doing and he found out she was divorced and single. He was pretty excited about it too and said he was going to call her. And he did. I tried to be open minded and not alarmed and to support him saying hi at first. But then, they connected on Facebook and would regularly email each other back and forth on the phone. My husband started staying up really late at night on the computer and I found out they were "chatting" on Facebook. And then, he was invited to a bonfire,campout weekend with some of his old friends from high school. He went and of course this girl went to this too. I found out she went when I overlooked his shoulder and saw him chatting with her on Facebook after he got home, telling her all sorts of personal stuff that he has never told me. I was very angry and hurt and he said I was over reacting, that he was just reconnecting with her because she was his "best friend" from high school. About a month or so later we went to a dinner and dance with some of his old friends from high school and she was there and I was introduced to her. We sat at her table with others. A guy friend of my husband started talking with me and told me he felt bad for me because my husband had always had the hots for this girl and couldn't stay away from her before. My husband of course talked with her all evening. He did find out that she had started dating a guy from his old group of friends that night. They had just started seeing each other. We left shortly after that, and my husband vented all the way home about how mad he was that this guy starting dating her and how wrong they were for each other. After that, my husband never chatted or contacted her again.

So, my take on this. I was jealous,hurt and threatened and I always wondered if my husband was pursuing this woman and if he would have had an affair with her. It seemed that way to me. 

From time to time, he does ask about her to friends he runs into and asks if she is still going out with that guy. 

How would you have handled this?


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

Tell him to discontinue contact with her, and make sure you have full access to his phone, emails, facebook, etc. to verify. 

Your husband was looking to hook up and bang his old flame, its that simple.

What other issues do you have in your marriage?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

wwwwwwww said:


> Hi:
> 
> I just wanted opinions on this. My husband told me when we were dating that he was "in love" with a high school friend when he was in high school but nothing came of it. They were just friends, never dated and she married someone at 18 and moved away.
> 
> ...


I've inserted bold, red ^ symbols in the quoted text above in order to indicate the point at which I'd have intervened.

I get that you were trying not to come off as jealous, insecure, controlling, or any of that, but you have every right to stand up and assert yourself when faced w/ the likely threat of your husband running off w/ an old-yet-newly-available romantic interest for whom it appears he had unrequited feelings.

I mean come on... this sh*t happens all the time.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

This guy sounds like a real treat. Still in love with his ex and a binge drinker according to this thread you started:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...-me-dinner-party-drink-am-i-overreacting.html

It all adds up to your H needing to get into therapy and AA or rehab, and growing the hell up.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

First guard you personal dignity. Spouses in your situation can and do lash out and often find themselves in an EA or PA.
Read practice the 180, read about the fog. Your husband is in it and it owns him. He is and will continue to make bad choices. Dud hear himself when talking about her new guy? If he wakes up enough to notice the changes as you practice the 180 tell him: it is hard to live with the knowledge if she calls, he will go.

Study emotional affairs. Many people recommend the book "more then just friends"

He is still crushing a girl from 25 years ago. This may wake him up; tell him you wonder how it would feel to have a man feel about you the way he feels about her and then walk away. 

Wwwww I am very serious about protecting your dignity. Here is the title of his thread: I had a EA wife is having an affair,,,, HELP !!


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Also take the time to read sone if the threads before under "similar Threads"


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

wwwwwwww said:


> Hi:
> 
> I just wanted opinions on this. My husband told me when we were dating that he was "in love" with a high school friend when he was in high school but nothing came of it. They were just friends, never dated and she married someone at 18 and moved away.
> 
> ...



Wow. Your husband takes you so much for granted that he didn't even really bother to hide the fact that he was excited his old flame was single now and was going to call her. People only do that if they're interested in rekindling the romance. He didn't even bother to conceal his intentions from you. He also, apparently, wasn't being very subtle about it around anyone else either. A guy at the party actually told you he felt sorry for you because your husband was so wrapped up in the OW. _While your husband was busily, publicly, wrapped up with the OW._ And, finally, your husband throws a fit because the woman he wanted and though he was making headway with started dating someone else. And, again, he takes you so much for granted that he was ranting about it to you. His. Wife. It's like you didn't even exist. You, your marriage, your family, have zero bearing on his obvious and open desire to date and hook up with his first love. 

:slap:

Your husband isn't just a cheater, he's a complete idiot. This isn't just asshattery, this is Asshattery - Level: Expert.


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## wwwwwwww (Aug 30, 2015)

Hey:

Thanks everyone for these posts. I have to ask..

What is "the 180" and "the fog"? 

My DH and I seem on the surface to be happy. But these are issues I don't want to be in denial about any longer. I always thought he was trying to hook up with his old flame, despite his adamant denial about it. I read some of the posts on emotional affairs and yes, this is exactly what was happening. No wonder I felt so confused and hurt. He was having an affair. Huh!

So, now, he is not having an affair (that I know of anyways). Does someone who has an affair usually seek other affairs? I guess I am questioning this now... my trust has been shaken obviously.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

The way you laid out the story, I'd be upset with the husband, and I would have started being upset as soon as he got soooo very excited that she was divorced and single again. I'd have been angry if he was staying up late to chat with her on Facebook and completely dismissed my concerns. And when he spent that whole dinner dance chatting with her, I'd have told him he would soon be single, too, so he'd be free to pursue his single "friend." Oh, she's seeing someone else already? Too bad; he would have the rest of his single life to be sad about the one that got away.

Hell no. Dude needs a 2x4 to the head to wake up. At this point, I'd be giving him a copy of, "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass and booking marriage counseling appointments.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> I've inserted bold, red ^ symbols in the quoted text above in order to indicate the point at which I'd have intervened.
> 
> I get that you were trying not to come off as jealous, insecure, controlling, or any of that, but you have every right to stand up and assert yourself when faced w/ the likely threat of your husband running off w/ an old-yet-newly-available romantic interest for whom it appears he had unrequited feelings.
> 
> I mean come on... this sh*t happens all the time.


I have to strongly agree.
Be supportive and understanding in things that aren't going to destroy your marriage.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

He was shopping. You didn't mate guard, and neither did he.

The other woman did.

If she's single again, he will do it again.

You're his second choice. And that sucks, and I totally hate it for you, but it is what it is.


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## wwwwwwww (Aug 30, 2015)

Yeah, so I was confused at the time by his actions because he was so open about it. That is what got me. I figured if he was having an affair, he would hide it more.

So I questioned and doubted the red flags and my screaming intuition telling me he was pursuing her. I did tell him my thoughts and concerns and he was so convincingly adamant that I was misreading the whole thing. He did admit he "cared for her" though. Which was weird considering he had not had any contact at all with her since high school and he is now 50. So really, it was more than 25 years later. 

I do wonder if he would chase after her again if she was single. According to the guys answers on this site, he would. That says alot.

It frankly sucks.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

wwwwwwww said:


> Yeah, so I was confused at the time by his actions because he was so open about it. That is what got me. I figured if he was having an affair, he would hide it more.
> 
> So I questioned and doubted the red flags and my screaming intuition telling me he was pursuing her. I did tell him my thoughts and concerns and he was so convincingly adamant that I was misreading the whole thing. He did admit he "cared for her" though. Which was weird considering he had not had any contact at all with her since high school and he is now 50. So really, it was more than 25 years later.
> 
> ...


It totally does suck. Being second choice. Or third, or fourth, or no longer picked for the team at all. Been there.

The thing is though, questions are pointless. You know where he's at, he knows where he's at, what's he going to say? Even if he's fully conscious about what he was doing... why would he admit it to you?

There's no upside and every downside. And again, that's if he is conscious of it and can even admit it to himself. Maybe in his mind he was just wondering if she would want him after all these years, and never intended to do anything about it.

What I would do is just call it upfront. It's too little to end a marriage over yet, so instead I would just draw a 'no contact' line for this particular woman if he wants to stay in this marriage.

Otherwise, you can free him to let him chase her all he wants.


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## wwwwwwww (Aug 30, 2015)

yeah, I agree. 

I have said no contact to him and then let it lie. Right now, it is not rocking the boat... it is not in our face. 

But I do wonder from time to time especially if she becomes single.

And, I also wonder if another woman appears. My trust is shaken. 

I am glad I wrote on this board. It validates my feelings and gives me food for thought and not to be blindsighted.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I would have kicked him so hard his nuts would have replaced his tonsils.

His utter disregard and open contempt of you and your marriage is disgusting.

He clearly wanted this woman more than anything and was excited the moment he found her single then became upset when she started seeing someone else.

He would have a long way to go to prove to me he was worth my time after his idiocy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

He clearly pursued this woman under your nose. If she wanted him, he would have gone to her and left you with your mouth opened. He was so sure of himself that he had the audacity to openly talk to you about his disappointment in not having her. That must have hurt tremendously when you heard him speak like that. 

Although I have been married for 35 years (first marriage for the both of us), I would have left my husband for this transgression if my husband pursued another as your husband did. This is complete betrayal and disrespect in my eyes. Just lucky for you that the Other Woman did not desire him. You got the "booby prize".

I'm sorry you are here.


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## wwwwwwww (Aug 30, 2015)

I am blown away by the responses I am getting over my story here. 

To read the overwhelming responses that he was pursuing this woman and how utterly disrespectful it was, kind of opens up the wound again and I now looking at him again wondering about the integrity of our marriage. 

Wow. Thanks so much for the enlightenment. It gives me alot to think about.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Don't despair. A lot of people build up a fantasy in their heads of "the one that got away" or some unrequited crush and transform back into their younger selves when faced with their crush years later. They can do some pretty stupid things based on those fantasies. Reality never quite lives up to fantasy, though, so it's too bad they never went out in high school because he would have had been long over her by now. 

Ask him to think about how he'd feel if the shoe was on the other foot, and you were the one chatting into the night with a guy you used to have a big unrequited crush on back in the day. Ask him to really, really consider it. I suspect he'd see it your way, too.

At this point, you have to look at how he treats you and your marriage going forward. You have had years together and that means something. If you still feel respected and loved outside this mid-life aberration, then you have enough to build a good marriage in the coming years. But I think he needs to acknowledge his behavior and truly understand why it's out of line and hurtful first. If he can't do that, meaningful discussion is not really possible.

Good luck to you.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

The book John recommended is actually called Not Just Friends, and it's authored by Dr. Shirley Glass. I STRONGLY recommend you read it.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Hmmmm....no offense, but I am just not buying this....


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