# To expose or not to expose...that is the question.



## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

I see a lot of talk on this forum about exposing the affair. It seems to be the general consensus that this is a good idea. I must admit the idea does seem to have merit. Main reasons being: 


Affairs need secrecy
You can get people in your "corner"
Puts pressure on the wayward

Yet, I still fall on the other side of the exposure fence, so to speak. Meaning, I think the potential for this to backfire is to great a risk...initially. Depending on the layers of lies the wayward has told others about the victim, you could find yourself playing right into their hands. Like I did.

To state my position more accurately: Patients is key. I wouldn't play this hand until you found out the nature of the game your playing.


I would like to hear any of your thoughts on this subject...how did it work or not work for you...any regrets?


Thanks


----------



## Romeo_Holden (Sep 17, 2011)

exercising patience can be good. It depends however on the reason why you would want to wait. If you prefer not to expose the affair to the OM's wife it is probably out of fear of losing your wife now unless your safety is at stake. Otherwise it I would say it is better to expose it. You can't fear loss of something you have already lost remember that.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Exposure ends the secrecy of the affair and brings it to light, as secrecy is one of the main ingredients of the affair. However, I feel exposure is like a surgical tool to be used in the following instances:


*Exposure of the A to the OMW/OWH (or SO if they have one) is a must*. It kills the secrecy of the A and might (not in all instances) give you another pair of eyes on the A. The other BS may be able to give you information that you don't have and you might be able to share information with them. Either way, it's the RIGHT thing to do. The other BS has a right to know what kind of person they are married to and so they can also make an informed decision about their relationship (whether to break up, D, or R). Sometimes the other BS may also be in denial.

Exposure of the A to the work place if this is a work place A: It all depends on how deep in the fog of the affair your WS. In some cases, the WS continues the A and refuses NC or breaks NC, then exposure becomes imperative to kill the A.

Exposure of the A to both families: Like exposing the A at work, it will depend on how deeply in the affair fog the WS is. This is done as an absolutely last resort, as it makes R very difficult if you do decide to R. Your family may not be so quick to forgive your WS as you are, and it may be difficult for your WS to deal with the shame of their family knowing. 

Exposure to friends: Again, it will depend on how remorseful and/or deep in the affair your WS is. Like above, it will depend on if the A is still ongoing, refusal of NC, or breaking NC.

In most instances, the APs are deathly afraid of being exposed.

When exposing, the BS should NEVER warn or threaten either Affiar Partner (AP), that they will expose the affair to the OMW/OWH. This gives the OM/OW time to possibly get their stories straight with your BS, and "spin" the story to their own BS. The OM/OW will paint you to their BS, as crazy, violent, etc, and not to accept any communication from you.

In my situation, in my first marriage, the OM was single and their was no one to expose to. In this marriage, OM is a contract worker from the Philippines, and his wife isn't even online. As much as I've tried to locate her, it's difficult with her being in another country and not being online. I've exposed her EA to my family and hers. Fortunately for her, my family is communicating normally, naturally I don't know what they say behind closed doors. Her family is embarassed, and her mother told me to chew out the OM. Her mother was pretty embarassed that her daughter was capable of this. Her brother, who would normally call her a minimum of every other day, would not talk to her for a very long time (7 months is a long time for them), and only recently (3 months ago) started talking to her again (he's a deacon in his church). And she doesn't hold any of this against me (that I know of) because she's shown true remorse.


----------



## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

I tend to think exposure to the OM's or OW's family ,SO. friends and coworkers should be all encompassing and done at the same time . This has maximum effect and though some will argue that it then forces the OM / OW 's hand , allows them to separate freeing them to persue the wayward what is also does is isolate them . Often a wayward would go underground and continue the affair even if there is no exposure on the OM / OW side. Instances where I have seen a negative effect of exposure is when it is dripped fed or it is exposed witha poor choice of words.

Exposure tactics should be adapted to the circumstance , exposure should occur within the family to parents and siblings if the BS has certainty the family will support them , children who understand what is happening should be told the truth and the OM / OW identified by name and picture.

The choice of exposure words is what changes the perception of exposure from vengeance to one of saving the marriage, those same words are what protect the BS legally, hence my choice of templates from the MB and affairecare sites, from what I have seen exposure have not caused legal issues for the BS.

I have heard many waywards say they would have reconciled if they were not exposed , how does anyone know that ? You don't and can't believe it , if they are truly remorseful then they will see the exposure as the BS fighting for the marriage. There are equally as many former waywards who state that exposure was the most effective way of stopping or slowly killing their affair. 

The only difference I have noticed is exposure seems to have more impact if the wayward is a woman, the BS purposefully works to diasassemble the OM's protected life and adapts their behaviour at home. I have seen that many betrayed wives do not always want run with the whole programme , exposure , plan B or 180 etc. the emotional pain they go through is extended, most do eventually adapt and in the cases I have worked on on another site the majority have marriages that have recovered. 

It's the package of actions that give the greatest chance of recovery , keeping the affair a secret is a disaster waiting to happen , there're no consequences for the wayward , the lie is protected giving the wayward an opportunity to cheat again and gaslight the BS.

The pro affair sites are full of waywards who are happy their spouse never exposed , they are actively encourage to take the affair underground and given advise on how to bide time to either restart the affair or start a new one.


Exposure alone is not going to stop the affair , it is one of the tools to be used in fighting for a marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

If you expose a wayward, you might lose them, but if you do/say nothing, you're gonna lose them anyway.

2 chances to lose your M and 1 to save it.

So yes, I would squeal like a pig.


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I personally am against it. In my situation as DS I "exposed" to his father and his best friend. I was not asked to, I did it on my own. 

He ultimately had a revenge affair after the fact. I never said he had to tell anyone. I know he feels remorse and I also know it would never happen again. 

There is no one size fits all strategy. What works for some could very well backfire for others.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Pidge I don't your story, were you exposing an affair you had or your husbands . If it was yours then after telling your husband the truth of the affair , a letter of apology to his parents and yours may have been better. 

As for your husbands affair , two wrongs don't make a right , his revenge affair is lashing out and has nothing to do with exposing the affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

What's done is done. We are still together and are doing extremely well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Exposing affair to OM/OW's spouse/SO-

YES

putting aside all of the reasons why it could be helpful to ceasing the affair and motivations of revenge, it is the right thing to do for the betrayed partner of your spouse's affair partner. While it truly sucks to be in this position of being the one to tell them you are the only one with the high moral ground to be able to do it and they deserve to know to make the most informed decision. If you recall, Shamwow informed his OMW and it turned out that she was left in the dark as to why her marriage was failing. What a truly wonderful service Sham provided to her to be able to make an informed decision.

Exposing affair to family-

Depends

I think his depends on a case by case basis. If you have a WS who is willing to R and ceases NC right away and does what is necessary then I think it might keep family dynamics at a better temperature. However, a WS thick in the fog who keeps breaking NC or refuses to acknowledge that they are the guilty party then exposing to family is a good idea. Beware however- blood is thicker than water and some family will blindly support their child despite what poor choices they make.


Exposing to work-

Depends

For starters it depends on your goal- if it is D then exposing may hurt you financially in settlement. If it is R and you have a deep in the fog spouse then work exposure may also help. Beware- this could result in termination of your spouse and will likely cause a major issue.


----------



## onthefence16 (Aug 21, 2011)

I am in a situation.....I want to expose the affair my husbands....the problem is we live in a very small town...the woman has a boyfriend who according to H is very abusive..my H does not want me to expose the affair because according to him I will destroy the womans life...and put his at risk from the boyfriend...Thing is I found out about the A 1 month ago and he was still talking to her 2 weeks ago..I work out of state I travel for my job...My husband has lost his job and I have no choice...He is getting counceling and going to church..but he also was doing the church thing while still lying to me...I asked my H what he would do if I exposed the affair and he told me he would stop talking to me....does this sound like a man who wants to work things out?...He has lied to me for years about his porn addiction and he never really has given me 100% of himself...I am at a loss as what to do.......


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

onthefence16 said:


> I am in a situation.....I want to expose the affair my husbands....the problem is we live in a very small town...the woman has a boyfriend who according to H is very abusive..my H does not want me to expose the affair because according to him I will destroy the womans life...and put his at risk from the boyfriend...Thing is I found out about the A 1 month ago and he was still talking to her 2 weeks ago..I work out of state I travel for my job...My husband has lost his job and I have no choice...He is getting counceling and going to church..but he also was doing the church thing while still lying to me...I asked my H what he would do if I exposed the affair and he told me he would stop talking to me....does this sound like a man who wants to work things out?...He has lied to me for years about his porn addiction and he never really has given me 100% of himself...I am at a loss as what to do.......



Expose it and get rid of that guy.


----------



## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

onthefence16 said:


> I am in a situation.....I want to expose the affair my husbands....the problem is we live in a very small town...the woman has a boyfriend who according to H is very abusive..my H does not want me to expose the affair because according to him I will destroy the womans life...and put his at risk from the boyfriend...Thing is I found out about the A 1 month ago and he was still talking to her 2 weeks ago..I work out of state I travel for my job...My husband has lost his job and I have no choice...He is getting counceling and going to church..but he also was doing the church thing while still lying to me...I asked my H what he would do if I exposed the affair and he told me he would stop talking to me....does this sound like a man who wants to work things out?...He has lied to me for years about his porn addiction and he never really has given me 100% of himself...I am at a loss as what to do.......



I think you should expose.

Your husband knew about the boyfriend, knew what he was doing is wrong, but went ahead anyways. He needs to own the affair and the consequences. So does the other woman.

You not exposing the affair allows him to carry on by enabling him.

If you cover for him, he'll never grow as a person morally or spiritually.

In the meantime, prepare yourself financially and legally in case you want to divorce him. No joint bank accounts or credit card or debts/loans.


----------



## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

onthefence16 said:


> I am in a situation.....I want to expose the affair my husbands....the problem is we live in a very small town...the woman has a boyfriend who according to H is very abusive..my H does not want me to expose the affair because according to him I will destroy the womans life...and put his at risk from the boyfriend...Thing is I found out about the A 1 month ago and he was still talking to her 2 weeks ago..I work out of state I travel for my job...My husband has lost his job and I have no choice...He is getting counceling and going to church..but he also was doing the church thing while still lying to me...I asked my H what he would do if I exposed the affair and he told me he would stop talking to me....does this sound like a man who wants to work things out?...He has lied to me for years about his porn addiction and he never really has given me 100% of himself...I am at a loss as what to do.......



Your husband is manipulating you, the OW has an abusive boyfriend this coming from the mouth of a liar and an adulteror , he threatens to leave you if you expose yet he continues to keep contact with her. Everything he says is the script followed by many cheating husbands , the only one who is abusive is your husband .

Call her boyfriend and expose the affair, call your parents and his let them know of his adultery before he gaslights you to them .

Do not tell him what you are doing, expose stand back and wait. If your husband comes home angry offer him a cookie , ignore his anger and raging, don't explain yourself and don't fall into a debate with him .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yes to exposing to the OM/OW's spouse and their families.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

onthefence16 said:


> I am in a situation.....I want to expose the affair my husbands....the problem is we live in a very small town...the woman has a boyfriend who according to H is very abusive..*my H does not want me to expose*.......



*NOOOOcheating spouse ever wants to be exposed*. Ever. You know why right? Because they want to continue the affair and/or are ashamed to be called out. *If you expose the secret--it's not a secret anymore. Get it? By not exposing, you are actually enabling the affair and helping it grow*. Scary, right?



onthefence16 said:


> *according to him I will destroy the womans life*...and *put his at risk from the boyfriend*.


*Nearly every cheating husband *uses this line when they are told they may be exposed..._"Don't because her husband is a psycho/evil/molnster who will shed blood and beat her into a pulp once he finds out. And he may beat me into a pulp [and I am too much of a pvssy to face the consequences of what I did to him or you]"._ This is done so that you 1. Get thrown off the path of exposing 2. Gain sympathy for the fellow adulterer/homewrecker and ultimately so that 3. You don't tell so he can keep the affair going.

*Sidenote: *Nearly every cheating wife's version *is something like this: _"Don't expose or say anything because OM's wife/partner isn't stable/depressed/ill/psycho. It's none of your business anyway! And if you tell, I will leave you and not talk to you! You evil heartless monster for wanting to call me out on my bullsh-t, lies and deception! I want my cake and want to eat it, too, and you will throw an axe on my master plan if you do this...waah waaah waaah! I hate consequences!" _

See? Crazy!



onthefence16 said:


> .Thing is I found out about the A 1 month ago and *he was still talking to her 2 weeks ago ... still lying to me*


*

Because he's still having an affair. Because you haven't exposed. Because he does not fear you will do anything about it so he thinks and knows he can keep both the affair and his wife and everything will be awesome w/ zero consequences and you will never do a thing about it. Because he wants to keep the affair going.



onthefence16 said:



.I asked my H what he would do if I exposed the affair and he told me he would stop talking to me

Click to expand...

Hahahaha. What a joke and childish "I will stop talking to you if you expose my affair, betrayal, lies and cheating for what it is!" Do you know how stupid that sounds? Read and re-read waht I wrote because that is what he's telling you.

Here's the thing about exposure: NEVER GIVE YOUR SPOUSE OR THE OTHER WOMAN/MAN WARNING THAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO EXPOSE. JUST DO IT!!! 

Why?

Because that will give him and the OW time to get their stories straight/corroborate timelines and make YOU out to be the crazy/psycho wife who has trust issues and is going through a hard time in her marriage,therefore she suspects her husband is cheating on her and wants to lash out at everyone. They WILL do this if you keep giving them warnings. Oh and you bet he's told her already "My wife knows...if someone asks we can just say we're friends" and have already started planning and concocting their stupid excuses and lame cover up stories.

Find out who her guy is and exposes immediately:

"Ow's boyfriend,

Your girlfriend, Name, has been having an affair with my Husband's Name since on or about Month/Year. I discovered the affair by way of (fill in the blank). (copy/paste or verbalize any proof you have).Their affair has been detrimental to my marriagel. My husband told me the affair ended however I have proof contradicts that--they are still having an affair and in contact. I am telling you this because you deserve to know the truth. If you were already aware of the affair, then I am sure that this comes as no surprise to you, but if not, I am sorry to have to be the one to inform you. If you want to talk further or need further proof, you may contact me (at....fill in the blank).

Onthefence"

THIS IS HOW YOU DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

F them! And no, your husband doesn't sound like he wants to work it out with you if he's still lying to you. So expose him for the liar and cheater he is without telling him or the OW. And in the interim, tell him "I am aware you are lying to me and still in contact with the OW. You need to leave today because I refuse to live in an open marriage. I refuse to be treated so callously and be lied to and I will not tolerate this nonsense and your betrayals anymore. Get the f*ck out, homes!"

Remove yourself as an option for him. He will not feel any consequences as long as you're covering up the affair and allowing him to stay in the housse/carry on as a married man with all the benefits of a committed relationship. He is not committed to your marriage, therefore you do not need to reward him with the same generosity and pat him on the back and feel fearful when he is the one making these d!ck moves. Tell him where to go. 

Sorry for the typos. I hate this laptop's keyboard. Too slippery.



*


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

:iagree:

JB gets a knucklebump! Give it up JB!


----------



## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

I vote to always expose.
Expose without threatening to do it and in one fell swoop and calmly and factually.
Yes, the cheater will blow a gasket and make exorcist style threats after it.
Yes, you will be scared by the reaction from the cheater.

No, they won't leave you and the marriage because you did it. If they leave it'll be because they already warped reality and messed up the marriage and justified messing it up.

Not due to exposure of what they have done. They cheated. lied. etc. Guess what? They did do those things. Those awful things. You didn't. THEY did.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

LordM, I hate when I have a lot to type on my laptop or phone! LOOOOL

Both are infuriating to type on!!!


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

What if and it is a big what if, the they aren't lying? What if he is an abuser? Some people in abusive relationships would look for comfort elsewhere.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

> What if and it is a big what if, the they aren't lying? What if he is an abuser?


and how does one find that out? by believing a wayward who is cheating and refuses to stop. 

The OW has the option to leave her marriage without cheating, the BS did not have an option when her husband went out and cheated, she did not have the option to stop her marriage self destructing , the wayward and OW decided this for her. 

The OW's husband may be an abusive man however so is the BS husband, to carry on cheating on his wife is emotional abuse. 

The abuse card is used far to often by waywards , this is used to blind and distort the BS from doing what needs to be done to save their marriage.




> Sorry for the typos. I hate this laptop's keyboard. Too slippery.


 ...lol and I dislike my smart phone, the android software makes up words and sentences as I type


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

pidge70 said:


> What if and it is a big what if, the they aren't lying? What if he is an abuser? Some people in abusive relationships would look for comfort elsewhere.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Then they are putting themselves in more danger because now the abuser will feel justified in his/her actions.

It is up to the victim of abuse to seek out help to get away from the abuser.

Having a lover makes as much sense as playing Russian roulette with your life.


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I'm not trying to make excuses for anyone. Just a rhetorical question. 

Although not the same I had a situation where I sought help for an abusive situation. As soon as DCFS left my house I was beaten with the phone I called them with. 

Everything in life is not cut and dried. Cookie cutter responses where it is obvious it is a cut and paste job. It seems for some it is easier for some to do that instead of taking the time to individualize a response.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If he is an abuser, then she needs to get out of the relationship. That has got ZERO to do with the fact OntheFence's husband and her are betraying their marriage/relationships. 

It is NOT Onthefence's responsibility to cover up the affair in order to enable it so they can keep hiding and being pvssies behind their significant others' backs.

They need to be exposed for their f-ckery and lies. Not enabled.


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Not trying to debate.....just saying...to each his own.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

morituri said:


> Then they are putting themselves in more danger because now the abuser will feel justified in his/her actions.
> 
> It is up to the victim of abuse to seek out help to get away from the abuser.
> 
> Having a lover makes as much sense as playing Russian roulette with your life.


I totally agree 100%.


----------



## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

I agree too.

Probably the abuser if yelling and angry a lot and who knows why (so maybe they are a verbal abuser)?
If they are physically abusing....why would the scared victim dare cheat?
It isn't something they would dare do.....right?


----------



## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

Looks like I'm getting the general feel here:

1. Always expose the affair to the OMS/OWS. I totally agree, they have the right to know.

2. Everything else, play it by ear or at least exercise caution when deciding on exposing to friends, family, work..ect.

Great information guys, keep it coming. This is always one of the harder questions I get asked by people that come to me for help. 

Does anyone have any real life stories about how this worked or didn't work for them?

In my case it backfired so to speak, at least at first. I failed to back up my claim with solid proof..which I later corrected.


----------



## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

chattycathy said:


> I agree too.
> 
> Probably the abuser if yelling and angry a lot and who knows why (so maybe they are a verbal abuser)?
> If they are physically abusing....why would the scared victim dare cheat?
> It isn't something they would dare do.....right?


My guess is the "abuser" knows in his gut that his wife is cheating...and his wife is "gaslighting" him as an abuser.


----------



## Hijo (Sep 1, 2011)

I agree with #1. Expose to the OPS/SO.

Be cautious when you do so that you have all your ducks in a row evidence wise.

On that same note, don't confront the WS until you have those same ducks in a row.

Unfortunately, I gave my wife a sort of trickle truth on my end in that I did not have ALL the proof before I confronted. This made the process of working through the stages (on both sides) much longer than it needed to be. Had I completely exposed in one fell swoop, there would have been (I believe) less trickle truth on her end and my stages would have been less intense and quicker to move through.

Having the full evidence package (so to speak) to present to the other betrayed spouse allows them to more easily expose on their end.

In the best situation, you would gather all your evidence, ensure that you have proof beyond a doubt, confront your spouse, and then turn around and present evidence to the other betrayed spouse very quickly. At that time, a full 180 until D/R has been decided by both you and your WS.

All of this is just a basic formula with just variables on both sides of the equation that change the nuances. The basic structure is always the same.

Or so it appears from all the stories I've read here.

Thank you very much TAM and everyone here.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I can`t think of a scenario where exposure to the OM/OW SO is the wrong move.

I`m a man so the abuser angle isn`t something I would "generally" have to worry about.

HOWEVER.

If I were to discover my wife having a same sex affair with another woman and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt the OW`s husband was horribly physically abusive I would still expose her to him.

I "might" make an exception of giving her fair warning about when I planned (a day perhaps) so she could make sure she wash`t near him when he got my info.

Maybe...


----------



## Looking to heal (Jun 15, 2011)

Intellectually, exposure seems to be the best way to increase the odds of stopping the affair as quickly as possible.

I chose not to.

I think I had a difficult time being directly responsible through my actions of causing pain to OM wife similar to what I was feeling.

Many people called me down for not doing it.

I encouraged my wife to tell her mother which she eventually did and this has helped a great deal.

I wonder for those who favour mass exposure if there comes a day in the future where this could make it difficult to have a successful reconciliation ? Do you really want (assuming you can have a successful reconciliation) everyone to know ?

I don't.

I feel like there is the battles and the war.

Exposure has the best odds at dousing cold water on the affair and stopping it in its tracks but at what cost ?

Things are going well with my wife and I and because very few people know about what has happened we are able to retain our identity as far as our friends and social lives. This is an important part of our relationship.

It is too early for me to conclude overall on how things will go but I don't read a lot of real life success on TAM from those people pro exposure to everyone.

I too would be interested in hearing some stories if they exist.

I am sure they exist as far as stopping the affair short term but how about in the long term ? How successful was the strategy really ? I have my doubts...


----------



## this is bad (Aug 13, 2011)

Glad to be able and chime in. Some many people giving me advise, it's great.

I'm my case, I was told to expose to family by 2 different people. One on this site, I think it was the guy, Turnera. Perhaps other. The other was a good friends that W and I know very well. He's a MC.

OM doesn't have a wife. He's lives alone. I exposed it to his mom and her mom. W mom told sister. So now, 3 people know. 

Although NC was in place - which happened after I spoke to OM. She doesn't know that we spoke. So offically, OM started NC.

I could see W had feelings for OM. So I exposed, what did I have to loose. What the worst thing that could happen?

Boy oh boy. After I told her, she started lashing out. She said, "You had no right telling them. His mom is old and she can't control what her son does. My mom is old, she didn't need to know."

I said, "I'm trying to save our marriage, the little that's left. What you are doing cannot continue."

I finally said to her, "Really, you're going to get upset, mad at me for exposing what you have done with OM. I guess you really don't care about the damage you have cause to me and the marriage."


Did exposing help in my case? Yes

As others have said, Expose!!!!


----------

