# What to do first



## lonely one (Sep 3, 2012)

Ok after many years and affairs (his)and other issues, my husband has finally told me he wants a divorce. I have 2 children, 9 and 14, I am unemployed (have been looking for a job for over a year) I even went back to school and got a certificate. I don't know what to do first. We don't own our house, we rent. I can't afford anything on my own. I don't know if he can afford all of the bills and household payments that we currently have, plus find an apartment for him to live in. I don't know where to begin. Can someone start me out?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long have you two been married?

Do you or he have a relative that you can move in with?

If you cannot find a job you can go back to school and work on a degree. For 4-5 years you can get Federal and state financial aid. If your finances are bad enough you can also get food stamps and maybe even welfare.

Have you seen a lawyer yet to find out your rights? child support and any spousal support?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

By the way, many couples cannot afford to divorce these days. With the job market the way it is they simply live together in the same apartment/house and raise the children together even when divorced. 

This is an option that the two of you might want to consider.

One rule is that neither of you can bring a date or person of the opposite sex to the family home.

Another is that you have agreed upon times of responsibilities. Like you take turns each of you have one entire weekend that you are responsible for the children so that the other can start going out and having a life.

You might need to do this.


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## lonely one (Sep 3, 2012)

Thank you for the help. We have been together 20 years, married 18. I do not have anyone around that I can move in with. If it was just me, I would live with my parents, but I really don't want to go back to where they are. I went back to school already. No one wants to hire a 51 year old woman without experience is the problem. No way for food stamps and welfare. He makes way too much money. It is just expensive to live where we do and alternative housing is not available unless I want to uproot my children. This is the most stable they have been. We have been here almost 5 years and if at all possible, I don't want to change that. My older son went to 4 elementary schools. My younger one has only attended one since we have been here all of his school life. I don't think we could live together. I wouldn't be able to change the way I think. I am a nurturer and I would still take care of him. I have not talked to a lawyer. I am afraid the state would say that he doesn't have to give me as much $$ as I need.


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## lonely one (Sep 3, 2012)

So, questions. If we were to stay under the same roof, how does that work? He is basically gone most of the week for work anyway. We have a single bed that we could put in his office. He probably would be upset because there isn't a tv in there. What happens in the common areas? Say living room. When he is home, in the evening he lays on the couch, watches tv and falls asleep. I don't have anywhere to go. What then?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lonely one said:


> So, questions. If we were to stay under the same roof, how does that work? He is basically gone most of the week for work anyway. We have a single bed that we could put in his office. He probably would be upset because there isn't a tv in there. What happens in the common areas? Say living room. When he is home, in the evening he lays on the couch, watches tv and falls asleep. I don't have anywhere to go. What then?


Basically he gets a TV for the room his bed is in… that’s like his 1 room apartment. 

You get a tv for your room… .It’s your one room apartment.

The living room is for hanging out with the kids.

You share the kitchen.. each picking up after the other.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You have a long term marriage. Interview some attorneys to find out how you will do in a divorce. There are many attorneys who give half hour to hour free consultation. Interview a few and ask them your questions. Search the internet also and get as much up on the divorce laws in your state as you can. An attorney can ask to court to have your husband pay your legal fees.

Or after finding out what your rights are and your state laws use medication and stick to your guns to get the same thing you would in court. Mediation is a lot cheaper.

He will have to pay you interim spousal support and child support until the divorce is final. Then he will also pay child support and probably spousal support after the divorce.

The thoughts about welfare and food stamps was for after the two of you are considered separated. His income would not count. Only any income he is ordered to pay you by court would count as your income.

You said that you went back to school to get a certificate. What was that in?

The idea of you going back to get a degree is that it’s the quickest way back into the work force. There are things such as federal work study jobs. Those jobs would give you a work history. Often times employers will hire an older person who has updated schools out of college. This often depends of the area you study. I have one friend who got their degree in their 50’s. These women were able to get jobs. One works as intake in the legal aid office. It’s completely possible. To get out there even at your age. My point is that there are things that you can do. It’s hard but not impossible.


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## lonely one (Sep 3, 2012)

Thank you for your help. We are in North Carolina. In the state of North Carolina, you must be legally separated for one year to file for divorce. Totally separating would just upset my children's life and mine. We are really happy where we are. I got a certificate in Medical Office Administration. I am taking a CPR class in two weeks. I have an AS degree in Fashion Merchandising. I have a pinched nerve in my neck, so I can't go back into retail management the way that I used to. My body just won't do it. I have applied for many jobs in the medical field in the past year. I just completed the certificate, so hopefully, that will help. I can't afford to go back to school. I will approach him with the separation under one roof and see if it will fly. He says we've been roommates for years, although I disagree. We have totally separate thoughts on how things are. I think he is unrealistic about his expectations, but whatever. I should have left him years ago for the things he has done, but I am not a quitter. I stayed and now it's 18 years later.


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## lonely one (Sep 3, 2012)

I wrote up a room mate agreement. I explained the "separated under one roof" concept. He was taken back. He said he drives too much for work (he's gone 4 days each week) and he has too much time to think. That this isn't what he really wants. He hadn't thought this far ahead. I told him that you don't tell someone that you want a divorce without thinking it through and having a plan. He said he guessed that really wasn't what he wanted or he would have done that. I told him the only way for us to stay together to go to marriage counseling and for him to go to individual counseling for his depression. I am finally at a place where he is not going to get the upper hand anymore. I have an interview on Wednesday and after that, if I have to change my schedule, I will have to find a counselor that can see us Friday evening because that is the only time that we have. Thanks for getting me started.


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