# Q for ppl who went through EA/going through an EA



## thebanker02 (Feb 14, 2010)

If the desire is there to rekindle your marriage, would any of these principals make sense? Worth the risk?

* View her/his EA as a mutual error. Only focus on your actions that led to this point.

* Try to fully immerse yourself back in the marriage, without the fear of it happening again.

* Seek your H or W's forgiveness and put the indescretion on your shoulders like you were the one who commited the act.

* Stop seeking an explaination or closure

* Give her/him the benefit of every doubt

Without actually saying any of this to my wife, I am trying to make myself adapt these principals. I am pretty sure the EA is over. I think I can save my marraige if I live by those statements, but D**M it is hard.

What do you think?


----------



## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

thebanker02 said:


> If the desire is there to rekindle your marriage, would any of these principals make sense? Worth the risk?
> 
> * View her/his EA as a mutual error. Only focus on your actions that led to this point.
> 
> ...


Kool if its over. 
Those are my "opinions"


----------



## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

You said you were not going to say this to your wife.

I would think it useful to set the foundation and agree on the principles together.. 

Talk about it. take her perspective into account.


----------



## Fenella (Jan 27, 2010)

I fully agree with you in that it is incredibly hard moving forward...small things just scratch the scab and open the wound again. My H has made huge changes after his EA but I am still the one left feeling like I have to do all the work eg. forgive and forget, for us to have a chance - how is that fair! I hope in time the pain will ease and I won't feel this betrayal, anger and sadness that seems to sit just below the surface.

I feel that everyone needs someone to talk to and for me this forum allows me to know that other people are going through the same thing, and that some people can offer advice on how to move through the darkness.

My marriage will never be the same again but I just have to hope and work on making it a better kind of different.


----------



## burned2manytimes (Jan 8, 2010)

I am going through my EA with my H but I forgave then I find something else out then finally I couldn't take it anymore and I just told him Yes u changed a little but i feel like I am doing a hell of alot more than u are so either we have to give 100% or nothing at all cuz I felt betrayed more than anything it's like u say u can deal I can deal but then u realize no I can't and all these feelings and emotions overrun u. i was a basket case afterwards spying and more spying but I was just hurt and wanted the truth now I got and we are working it out together and being a lot more honest about our feelings inside of holding everything back. 

I hope u have success working on ur M.


----------



## duckman (Sep 15, 2009)

My .02 = 

It is literally hell when you think something but don't KNOW it. It's like a big coloring book of 'connect-the-dots' in a circular shape and saying "it's not a circle". I mean, usually, when there is smoke, there is at least a spark. In my opinion, many supposed EAs on this message board are only unproven affairs and we call them EAs because somehow, deep down, we want to believe everything is going to be alright. I know this from experience...Been there...I accepted a lot of things and wrote them off to coincidence and tried to make things better myself. Only thing is, it wasn't me who needed fixing. I chose not to connect the dots because I want to see my kids grow up and be involved in their lives. I accepted some things due to the circumstances. I still have no proof. But what I do know, is that there was a hell of a lot of smoke........She has held firm to the story that there is no spark, no fire, and those dots don't form a circle...so don't connect them...

All you can do is keep pressing forward. Some days are just going to suck, because deep down, when you look in the mirror, you'll think you've been a damn idiot for allowing this to go on. 

Then there will be days of joy and delight. Only time will heal these wounds...


----------



## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

If you truly feel that she wants to resolve this WITH YOU, that she loves you... and if you are having a bad moment of doubt...

I'm sorry to say this, but remind yourself that there are many other people around the world that have far far far less - emotionally... physically... painfully. 

To every life a little pain, suffering, and imperfection must fall. Let us hope that this that we experience is the worst we will have to face compared to so many others out there.

Good luck. I'm sorry. Chin up.


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

thebanker02 said:


> * View her/his EA as a mutual error. Only focus on your actions that led to this point.


In our case this was part of the formula. I did and do feel I made my wife vulnerable to the EA because of a lack of attention and not filling her emotional needs for years. Focusing on your own actions are the only things you truly have full control of. Learn from the past and be the best spouse you can be.



thebanker02 said:


> * Try to fully immerse yourself back in the marriage, without the fear of it happening again.


At some point you have to trust again or it will eat away at you. But lets face it, an affair robs a marriage of its innocence. To regain that total and blind trust might not happen so you may need to learn to live with what you have.



thebanker02 said:


> * Seek your H or W's forgiveness and put the indiscretion on your shoulders like you were the one who committed the act.


You should admit your faults but she needs to take responsibility for her actions. She was the one that strayed from the marriage and while you may have had a hand in making her vulnerable you didn't force her into it. She made a choice and will have to come to terms with it with you, within herself or both.



thebanker02 said:


> * Stop seeking an explanation or closure


I posted this same thought just this week. There are things about the relationship I will never know and likely shouldn't. Closure for me came in steps. When we overcame our communications issues, when we began to hug and hold hands again, when we restarted sexual intimacy and when she said I love you for the first time in years.



thebanker02 said:


> * Give her/him the benefit of every doubt


Like I said the blind trust has been robbed. You cannot be a sap, but if there is a doubt then discuss it with her. With time things will normalize.



thebanker02 said:


> I think I can save my marriage if I live by those statements, but D**M it is hard.


Hardest dammed thing I've ever done in my life and I'm glad I did it.


----------

