# Bored At Work With A Thought...



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

I have always wondered how many betrayals spouses don’t find out about. I work in a small office (13 total employees). We all work closely together and often go on breaks or to lunch in groups of 3 or more. In the last few years I have had 3 of the ladies tell me (and others that were present) that they had betrayed their spouses once or twice but will never tell them about it. The usual answer as to why is that they don’t want to bring pain into their marriages nor want them to end. Since I don’t know any of their spouses I am not getting into the middle of it all. BTW, for those liking the spicey tid bits, the reasons are as follows:

One was on a business trip when she worked elsewhere. Her boss was along and he was handsome and successful (her husband at the time had his own pizza joint). They had sex a couple of times on the trip and she quit the job soon after as she felt she was falling in love with him and they started talking about leaving their families for each other and that scared her away.

Another had (well, still has) a husband who at that time was a long haul trucker. He would be gone up to 3 weeks at a time. She was in strong "need" and a group of people (old family friends) were over for dinner to keep her company. They all drifted out except for one guy. Well, you can guess the rest of the story. He took care of her immediate needs for her.

The other was a marriage on the rocks (at the time). She became friendly with some guy and they went on to withering heights… As I recall it lasted a few months before the 'guilts' caught up to her. Afterwards their marriage took a good turn and they are still together. 

All of them deeply regret it and say it has caused some manner of depression and loss of self worth. Maybe they have to say that for appearances sakes, I don’t really know. But it makes sense. If I ever betrayed my wife I'd probably like to kill myself.

But all this reminds me of threads seen at times as to whether or not one would tell their spouse if they betrayed them but didn't want to end the marriage. On average, 50% say they would not tell them. My wife states she would never tell me (ouch!). I now if I betrayed her I would tell her, but to me it's an interesting topic. 

Oh well, slow work day at present….

Be good.

BP


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

of course this stuff goes on. I'lll take it a step further. 

I bet there are also many affairs that happen and the BS knows about it or suspects but cant prove it.

I have a buddy who is "fairly certain" his W had an affair. but he doesnt have hard proof. in talking with him about it, all the classic red flags are there. but she has been fairly smart, uses covert forms of communication and work related devices he has no access to, and she has covered her tracks better than most.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

So does this revelation make you "suspect" or guarded of your wife and her actions after this statement?


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

x598 said:


> of course this stuff goes on. I'lll take it a step further.
> 
> I bet there are also many affairs that happen and the BS knows about it or suspects but cant prove it.
> 
> I have a buddy who is "fairly certain" his W had an affair. but he doesnt have hard proof. in talking with him about it, all the classic red flags are there. but she has been fairly smart, uses covert forms of communication and work related devices he has no access to, and she has covered her tracks better than most.


I've wondered about that as well. 

I was concerned so I finally cornered my wife about her activities with all my 'findings' and demanded a full explanation. Turns out I was mostly wrong, but she did admit to starting to fall into an EA (she states without realizing it and I lean towards believing her), but went for help immediately and cut off all contact with the OM.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Most affairs are never revealed. Stats are - of course - difficult to get accurately, but from what I have seen in a couple of reports, over 80% of men's affairs are not discovered, and over 90% of women's affairs are not.

Here's one supporting link:
Almost all women who cheat never get caught by their partners.... but a fifth of men DO get found out | Mail Online


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

Squeakr said:


> So does this revelation make you "suspect" or guarded of your wife and her actions after this statement?


if you are tlaking to me, first, i'm no longer married to my cheating XW. i dont think suspicous or guarded is the right way to express it. after much learning here, shedding the rose colored glasses, it pretty easy to see and i hope I have a better understanding of infedelity and how it affects relationships in subtle ways.but hey, who knows, just when you think you have it all figured out something new and unforseen can pop up.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Married but Happy said:


> Most affairs are never revealed. Stats are - of course - difficult to get accurately, but from what I have seen in a couple of reports, over 80% of men's affairs are not discovered, and over 90% of women's affairs are not.
> 
> Here's one supporting link:
> Almost all women who cheat never get caught by their partners.... but a fifth of men DO get found out | Mail Online


Those are scary high numbers.


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## SofaKingWeToddId (Feb 7, 2013)

I can relate to this topic. I've strongly suspected that my wife had an affair a few years ago. Unfortunately I was never able to prove it. It is something that has weighed very heavily on me. I've finally come to the realization if I stay in this limbo, it will eventually lead to the end of my marriage. I've asked my wife to take a polygraph to help me move past my suspicions. She was the one that offered, and when I (finally) accepted, she back tracked a bit.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

SofaKingWeToddId said:


> I can relate to this topic. I've strongly suspected that my wife had an affair a few years ago. Unfortunately I was never able to prove it. It is something that has weighed very heavily on me. I've finally come to the realization if I stay in this limbo, it will eventually lead to the end of my marriage. I've asked my wife to take a polygraph to help me move past my suspicions. She was the one that offered, and when I (finally) accepted, she back tracked a bit.


Although one has to tread respectfully when all they have are suspicions, I am a fan of full disclosure and transparency in a marriage. 

My current thinking is that if one is pretty well convinced that they have a very strong circumstantial case then they need to treat it as if they have a confession:

1) Openly confront and demand a full accounting.

2) Consider a separation and even possibly a divorce unless proof fully provided that exonerates the spouse (if #1 fails).

3) If it is true, then proceed accrodingly as the BS wishes to.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

x598 said:


> if you are tlaking to me, first, i'm no longer married to my cheating XW. i dont think suspicous or guarded is the right way to express it. after much learning here, shedding the rose colored glasses, it pretty easy to see and i hope I have a better understanding of infedelity and how it affects relationships in subtle ways.but hey, who knows, just when you think you have it all figured out something new and unforseen can pop up.


Thanks for our input as I always like to read others thoughts just to make myself realize that I am not the crazy one here, nor am I alone in my shame for what happened to my family, others are affected the same.

The questions was actually posed at the OP, as he stated directly that when he asked his wife, stated she "wouldn't tell and would take it to her grave." I would think knowing this would give me pause every time something "off" happened as I know here true ideals, thoughts, and reactions to the subject and could never trust her the same again knowing she would plan to hide it. IT just would make me feel off about everything, because if she can't trust me enough to tell, then that shows she has no respect for me, or at least very little.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Married but Happy said:


> Most affairs are never revealed. Stats are - of course - difficult to get accurately, but from what I have seen in a couple of reports, over 80% of men's affairs are not discovered, and over 90% of women's affairs are not.
> 
> Here's one supporting link:
> Almost all women who cheat never get caught by their partners.... but a fifth of men DO get found out | Mail Online


I think the women who cheat would be caught more frequently if their husbands were more aware of what makes a woman tick. All the jokes about how a man cannot figure out a woman confirms for me that we men tend to be more oblivious and assume things are going well. 

However, if a man becomes more aware of what's going on in his wife's mind and what makes her tick, then the success rate for catching a cheating wife would probably mirror the 20% success rate women have in catching men at cheating.

I would say though that it would be next to impossible to catch a cheating spouse who only cheats on business travel for ONS types of hook ups.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

If I had a ONS I certainly would not tell my wife. No way.

And if she had a ONS and it was a one time thing that never happened again (including no feelings toward the OM, and no repeat performances), I would rather not know that either.

Assuming protection, or no baby or STDs, etc, of course.



However, if there were several ONS (same AP or different ones), then that is a different story. I'd say even twice would be too much. 

One awful, regretful mistake that has no ramifications wouldn't be worth the knowledge to me, IMHO. I'd rather be ignorantly blissful in that case.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> If I had a ONS I certainly would not tell my wife. No way.
> 
> And if she had a ONS and it was a one time thing that never happened again (including no feelings toward the OM, and no repeat performances), I would rather not know that either.
> 
> ...


See, I just don’t get that. From my perspective, to either live a life deceiving or being deceived is just no way to be. If my wife tells me that many years ago she had a ONS, I'd be hurt worse than being told the day after. It's bad enough to betray, but even worse to not be honest about it. In fact, I'd say for every day I wasn't told I am being betrayed again and again.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I think the stats for successfully hiding affairs is higher for women because they go to greater lengths to deceive and hide the evidence trail.

For example, my ex-wife could plan ahead for a weekend screw by going to the mall on Wednesday afternoon, buying stuff, then hide it in her car. On Saturday, announce she is going to the mall and disappear for several hours, returning home with the purchases she made on Wednesday, passed off as the evidence of her being at the mall.

A guy would never go to that length to deceive.


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## funnybunny29 (Apr 1, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> Most affairs are never revealed. Stats are - of course - difficult to get accurately, but from what I have seen in a couple of reports, over 80% of men's affairs are not discovered, and over 90% of women's affairs are not.
> 
> Here's one supporting link:
> Almost all women who cheat never get caught by their partners.... but a fifth of men DO get found out | Mail Online



The other scary statistic in this article is if you look at the studies into paternity, even conservative figures show that between eight and 15 percent of children haven't been fathered by the man who thinks he's the biological parent. Wow!


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

funnybunny29 said:


> The other scary statistic in this article is if you look at the studies into paternity, even conservative figures show that between eight and 15 percent of children haven't been fathered by the man who thinks he's the biological parent. Wow!


I don't know why, but your post and your avatar just struck me as ironic humor.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

thatbpguy said:


> See, I just don’t get that. From my perspective, to either live a life deceiving or being deceived is just no way to be. If my wife tells me that many years ago she had a ONS, I'd be hurt worse than being told the day after. It's bad enough to betray, but even worse to not be honest about it. In fact, I'd say for every day I wasn't told I am being betrayed again and again.


See you are adding another element to the question, which isn't fair, and that is that you would be told at some future date. That's VERY different. My scenario would be NEVER telling/knowing. Like, ever.

It's an opinion, that's all. I stated how I would feel. I am also a great compartmentalizer. Others aren't. I definitely could successfully keep a one-time ONS to myself and go about my merry way. But I have no plans to do so.

And if my wife got crazy drunk one night and had a quickie in the bathroom - then immediately regretted it and never did it again as long as she lived - how would me knowing that be beneficial to me? It would be the reverse, in fact.

I would be much more concerned if 1) she did this multiple times, showing a pattern or become a representation of her character as a deceptive person, or 2) she had feelings for the person. 

Many people I know feel this same way. But not everyone does - I understand that.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> See you are adding another element to the question, which isn't fair, and that is that you would be told at some future date. That's VERY different. My scenario would be NEVER telling/knowing. Like, ever.


To me, that is the very worst of the worst.

Imagine... all those years of pretending like nothing ever happened. Being trsuted, loved and respected as a chaste and virtuous person in a crappy world. All the while behind one's smiles lies the heart of a deceitful betrayer. Accepting all that love, all that trust, all that faith. Taking their arm when their SO is telling people how you would never betray.... And just this wicked little grin on their face...


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

thatbpguy said:


> To me, that is the very worst of the worst.
> 
> Imagine... all those years of pretending like nothing ever happened. Being trsuted, loved and respected as a chaste and virtuous person in a crappy world. All the while behind one's smiles lies the heart of a deceitful betrayer. Accepting all that love, all that trust, all that faith. Taking their arm when their SO is telling people how you would never betray.... And just this wicked little grin on their face...


It's a good debate. What's worse, keeping your 5 minutes of betrayal to yourself, or crushing your spouse with it and potentially breaking your family apart? 

And your devilish grin is again, a different argument. If you have a devilish grin then you are proud you got away with something. That's again, different and not a remorseful person.

Make no mistake, I am very anti-adultery - I'm not condoning this behavior or think people should act this way. This is more of the "oops" it already happened, now what do I do?

I think it completely changes if you have an ongoing affair or your ONS results in an STD or pregnancy, or if you do it again because you got away with it. Those are different things and instances where I believe it is absolutely correct to confess to your spouse.

I'm talking about one horrible grave mistake that lasted a few minutes of your life, that you would never, ever, do again, and you feel horrible about it. In that case, let that person deal with their own guilt.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> It's a good debate. What's worse, keeping your 5 minutes of betrayal to yourself, or crushing your spouse with it and potentially breaking your family apart?
> 
> And your devilish grin is again, a different argument. If you have a devilish grin then you are proud you got away with something. That's again, different and not a remorseful person.
> 
> ...


It's a lot more than just the 5 minutes of glory. It's the wooing, the seducing, stripping and getting on that bed... 

It's about dishonesty, deceipt, betrayal... 

No, I can appreciate your argument, I will disagree. 

Maybe I'm both soft hearted and soft headed, but I just couldn't live my life withholding that from the very person who depends on my integrity more than anyone else in the world. 

It is a fascinating debate.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

thatbpguy said:


> To me, that is the very worst of the worst.
> 
> Imagine... all those years of pretending like nothing ever happened. Being trsuted, loved and respected as a chaste and virtuous person in a crappy world. All the while behind one's smiles lies the heart of a deceitful betrayer. Accepting all that love, all that trust, all that faith. Taking their arm when their SO is telling people how you would never betray.... And just this wicked little grin on their face...


Wicked little grin? Or a sad, pensive expression?


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Wicked little grin? Or a sad, pensive expression?


Just an opinion, but 90% wicked little grin. My ex and I a short conversation about a couple years ago and while she now regrets it she did state it was so ecxiting being the aldultress that she felt like she wss high on drugs. She calls it a true rush.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

x598 said:


> of course this stuff goes on. I'lll take it a step further.
> 
> I bet there are also many affairs that happen and the BS knows about it or suspects but cant prove it.
> 
> I have a buddy who is "fairly certain" his W had an affair. but he doesnt have hard proof. in talking with him about it, all the classic red flags are there. but she has been fairly smart, uses covert forms of communication and work related devices he has no access to, and she has covered her tracks better than most.


I am in this situation. There is a lot of circumstantial evidence of at least one affair, but she insists there has never been any form of infidelity. There is no resolution possible unless she either spontaneously confesses or some incontrovertible evidence comes to light.

If there was no affair, there is never any resolution. One cannot prove they didn't have an affair.

The first really bad feeling I had was back in the mid 90's in a discussion of the Clinton's direct lie about Lewinski. My wife said in exasperation "It was ONLY sex, and EVERYONE lies about sex!".

The common position of therapists is to never voluntarily divulge a past affair. Gabriel makes a case for that theory. Where this all fails is when the BS has suspicions but no proof. The marriage is badly damaged by the affair even though the WS denies it.


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## Cabsy (Mar 25, 2013)

Thor said:


> I am in this situation. There is a lot of circumstantial evidence of at least one affair, but she insists there has never been any form of infidelity. There is no resolution possible unless she either spontaneously confesses or some incontrovertible evidence comes to light.


Yeah, I know what you mean. You are forced to accept the final version of the truth they give you.


thatbpguy said:


> Just an opinion, but 90% wicked little grin. My ex and I a short conversation about a couple years ago and while she now regrets it she did state it was so ecxiting being the aldultress that she felt like she wss high on drugs. She calls it a true rush.


I'm sure it does feel exciting.

One of the problems I have is... if they can fall for another person once... what if they crave that high again? Marriage is a long and winding contract, and when things get difficult, there will likely be a guy there waiting to scoop her up. Working on the marriage is hard, but falling in "love" with someone new is easy and so much more exciting.

Plus deceiving someone close to you is often easier than deceiving a stranger, and after cheating once, they have practice. Once trust is given and intimate knowledge is obtained, one could be like a burglar invited into a bank vault. I feel like I could have gotten away with so much over the years, but that's not the type of person I am. I stopped things in their tracks, and if I had gone forward with anything, I would have felt terrible. And I would have to tell her.

It takes a special kind of person to betray someone they love, get some cheap thrills, keep secrets, and lie to their partner... for the partner's "own good." It sounds selfish because it is. I can think of a few scenarios, mainly involving kids and an otherwise happy marriage, where okay... if you're not going to tell your spouse, then never do it again and do your part to keep the marriage healthy. Otherwise... selfish.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Cabsy said:


> Yeah, I know what you mean. You are forced to accept the final version of the truth they give you.I'm sure it does feel exciting.
> 
> One of the problems I have is... if they can fall for another person once... what if they crave that high again? Marriage is a long and winding contract, and when things get difficult, there will likely be a guy there waiting to scoop her up. Working on the marriage is hard, but falling in "love" with someone new is easy and so much more exciting.
> 
> ...


This is why studies show that betraying is an addictive trait. Or can be.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Thor said:


> I am in this situation. There is a lot of circumstantial evidence of at least one affair, but she insists there has never been any form of infidelity. There is no resolution possible unless she either spontaneously confesses or some incontrovertible evidence comes to light.
> 
> If there was no affair, there is never any resolution. One cannot prove they didn't have an affair.
> 
> ...


Another wrinkle to the argument worth exploring. I think in the case where your spouse suspects or asks if you had an affair, and you did have that dumb, regretful ONS, then all bets are off. In that case, I think you should absolutely confess because the spouse is clearly affected already. It's already there. 

My argument is meant to apply when the person is completely none the wiser.


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## nikoled (Mar 12, 2014)

Dday if my husbands affair was less than 3 months ago. He does admit that he never planned to tell me. Figured it would fizzle and "go away". I caught it so that plan didnt work. I'd rather know than not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

nikoled said:


> Dday if my husbands affair was less than 3 months ago. He does admit that he never planned to tell me. Figured it would fizzle and "go away". I caught it so that plan didnt work. I'd rather know than not.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Me too.


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

*Re: Re: Bored At Work With A Thought...*



Married but Happy said:


> Most affairs are never revealed. Stats are - of course - difficult to get accurately, but from what I have seen in a couple of reports, over 80% of men's affairs are not discovered, and over 90% of women's affairs are not.
> 
> Here's one supporting link:
> Almost all women who cheat never get caught by their partners.... but a fifth of men DO get found out | Mail Online


.........and of the 20% and 10% of the affairs that do actually come to the surface ......I believe that only 30% of the real truth is ever brought to light. It all sucks ......regardless of how you twist the numbers.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Hurtin_Still said:


> .........and of the 20% and 10% of the affairs that do actually come to the surface ......I believe that only 30% of the real truth is ever brought to light. It all sucks ......regardless of how you twist the numbers.


Hearing stats like that makes me wonder why even bother.


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

*Re: Re: Bored At Work With A Thought...*



thatbpguy said:


> Hearing stats like that makes me wonder why even bother.


.....ditto. I have become numb to so much of what my wife says or does .... all these years after she cheated. Being on the short end of infidelity, is the most absolute method of having any kind of motivation drained from your life's daily activities.


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