# No contact/going dark



## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

Hi, I have some question about no contact with cheating husband.
I have been trying to detach in the last few weeks, and it is helping but he has e-mailed and texted about a few financial things, including the sale of our apartment. I was doing all this through my lawyer and having him forward e-mails, etc.
My therapist said even an e-mail about finances is still some kind of relationship and I don't want to get involved with him in any way. Is it bothering him that I've 'gone dark' is that what this is? Sso my question is - is he doing this to annoy me and keep me in his control and should I continue to ignore?

Thanks


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Bentley'sMom said:


> Hi, I have some question about no contact with cheating husband.
> I have been trying to detach in the last few weeks, and it is helping but he has e-mailed and texted about a few financial things, including the sale of our apartment. I was doing all this through my lawyer and having him forward e-mails, etc.
> My therapist said even an e-mail about finances is still some kind of relationship and I don't want to get involved with him in any way. Is it bothering him that I've 'gone dark' is that what this is? Sso my question is - is he doing this to annoy me and keep me in his control and should I continue to ignore?
> 
> Thanks


Yes (he is doing this to annoy/control or otherwise "touch" you in some manner).

Yes (should I continue to ignore).

My WS tried all that and I verbally pounced on him with my reply, knowing that I intended to make a copy of the exchange for my attorney. Most of the time I ignore him. You see, I get to pick and choose. I haven't communicated with him since he requested a dinner away from the attorneys to discuss things (as if I trusted him -NOT). Nothing since then. 

Don't let him pull your strings. You are free to ignore him at your leisure.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I assume that you are not even considering reconciliation.

Don't try to figure out his motives. Instead deal only with your response or lack of response.

If your place has to be sold and he's the one doing it, you will have to communicate either via email or via your attorney. There is no way around it.

Do not communicate with him in person or on the phone.. only email. This gives you the time you need to decide if it's an issue that you need to address/respond, if you want your attorney to do it or you just want to ignore it.

In respoding only talk about the business at hand. Your finances will be separated from his as soon as all of this is handled.


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

Thanks. It is probably driving him mad wondering what I am up to!
It's nice to feel I have taken a bit of control back.
Yours asked you for dinner? Is he trying to get back with you?

I'm the one with the hassle of selling the apartment, so I'm forwarding realtor e-mails to my lawyer. I don't think there is any way we will reconcile because as far as I know he's living with his mistress! I think he's just aware I've stopped contact and is trying to reel me in.
He ignored me for so long when I was begging him to tell me ehat was going on, he never has, not once, so I am happy to ignore him now!


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Bentley'sMom said:


> Thanks. It is probably driving him mad wondering what I am up to!
> It's nice to feel I have taken a bit of control back.
> Yours asked you for dinner? Is he trying to get back with you?


Oh no! You know, just between us over here, it would have touched my heart if he admitted he was wrong and was deeply sorry. If he missed me. If he wanted to start up with me and date me. Take me out to dinner. Become friends again. But no.

Instead, he simply said something to the affect that he wanted to save money,so could we meet for dinner to discuss financial issues (translation: he doesn't want to pay alimony, but knows he's gonna). So I said no. Our lawyers will handle things. No need to meet.

He just wanted a "business meeting", so I declined.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Bentley'sMom said:


> Thanks. It is probably driving him mad wondering what I am up to!
> It's nice to feel I have taken a bit of control back.
> Yours asked you for dinner? Is he trying to get back with you?
> 
> ...


If you are handling the sale of the appartment then just ignore any of his emails that you can. Have him go to your attorney's to sign for the sale. 

You do not need to see him or talks to him again (except maybe when there is a final divorce hearing.. if that even happens.)


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

Sounds like that was his excuse to see you.....
Well done not going. I would be tempted to, order spaghetti and tip it over his head, whilst saying 'that's closure' !

BUT then again, the thought of seeing his lying cheating smug face would probably make me puke


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

Yes I'm ignoring, and it feels good. This is his third e-mail/text I've ignored in the last week. Wish he'd just leave me alone now, every time I hear from him I move backwards


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Bentley'sMom said:


> Yes I'm ignoring, and it feels good. This is his third e-mail/text I've ignored in the last week. Wish he'd just leave me alone now, e*very time I hear from him I move backwards*


That will go away soon. YOU are in control! :smthumbup:


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

Quick update, he was paid today and no money has been put in for my maintenance. I assume this is also his method of control, and that he is waiting for me to contact and ask for some cash..my lawyer is on vacation.
Why do cheaters do this? He knows he has made his choice, and that I will never take him back - so why is he doing this? Is it nastiness or do you think he misses me a teeny tiny bit?

Now another text saying to talk about the apartment to save money on lawyers - ignore him again?


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Bentley'sMom said:


> Quick update, he was paid today and no money has been put in for my maintenance. I assume this is also his method of control, and that he is waiting for me to contact and ask for some cash..my lawyer is on vacation.
> Why do cheaters do this? He knows he has made his choice, and that I will never take him back - so why is he doing this? Is it nastiness or do you think he misses me a teeny tiny bit?


I'm going to vote "nastiness". Not because I know your WS, but because I know my WS. We haven't had our Court date yet, but it's almost certain that I will be receiving spousal support, and he ain't gonna like shelling out that money for a wife that no longer lives with him and sees to his needs (if you know what I mean) 

So yours might miss you a teeny tiny bit, however the thought of paying you to live without him might just "tick him off" a bit too.

At least that's my humble opinion.


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

Yes I agree, reckon he's really peeved he has to give me substantial amounts of money for a few years. I've also asked him to pay for my masters degree, hee hee. Every penny I can get will annoy him more, and that's part of my plan - just annoy him for the next few years whilst not being involved with him in any way - he's a business transaction now. My going dark is bugging him, another text just now. I'm ignoring, may answer in a few days. IF I feel like it


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Bentley'sMom said:


> Yes I agree, reckon he's really peeved he has to give me substantial amounts of money for a few years. I've also asked him to pay for my masters degree, hee hee. Every penny I can get will annoy him more, and that's part of my plan - just annoy him for the next few years whilst not being involved with him in any way - he's a business transaction now. My going dark is bugging him, another text just now. I'm ignoring, may answer in a few days. *IF I feel like it*


Yep. Like when you get your money. :rofl:


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

Bentley'sMom said:


> My therapist said even an e-mail about finances is still some kind of relationship and I don't want to get involved with him in any way.


Well, discussing finances in an email could be considered a relationship but it's a "business relationship" not personal, as long as you keep it strictly to business matters, which isn't always easy. The more you can work out with him directly the more you'll save in attorneys fees. Assuming that you can in fact, work together productively. If he's not paying the support on time than he's doing the old passive aggressive power and control thing and it's just not going to work.



Bentley'sMom said:


> Is it bothering him that I've 'gone dark' is that what this is? Sso my question is - is he doing this to annoy me and keep me in his control and should I continue to ignore?
> 
> Thanks


I don't know that you're asking the right question.

Who gives a rat's ass if your cheating nonsupport paying spouse is "bothered" by anything you do or don't do?

I suggest you respond with a short email telling him that the support is overdue and if he doesn't pay it by xx date you're going to file a petition for contempt of court (if you've got a support order in place). If you don't have a support order in place then email him that you are going to petition the courts for a support order which you will enforce as necessary and it's your hope that it won't come to that and that you do hope to work out some of these issues without going through the attorneys but he's got to address the support issue before anything else.


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

Thanks I guess I'm still trying to figure him out, this once so familiar stranger and I should stop. I'll probably mail in next few days about apartment. His text said maintenance will go in tomorrow as he's 'waiting for his check to clear' Another lie, I know he gets paid directly and that it went in today. No truth ever comes from him even about small things.


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

Bentley'sMom said:


> Thanks I guess I'm still trying to figure him out, this once so familiar stranger and I should stop. I'll probably mail in next few days about apartment. His text said maintenance will go in tomorrow as he's 'waiting for his check to clear' Another lie, I know he gets paid directly and that it went in today. No truth ever comes from him even about small things.


I've been through this before and I know where you're at.

You're having a tough time distinguishing between business and personal and you have to separate the two. 

Forget about all the "no truth coming from him" and trying to figure him out and "yet another lie". 

You just want results, you want to achieve goals, and you need to get there as quickly as you can, with as little attorney expense as possible, and the keys to getting there are to avoid the conflict, accept he's a lying SOB and that's why you're getting divorced and just get this done.

The alternative is to stretch this thing out over months or even years and let the attorneys do everything and it will cost you dearly.


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

Cost him dearly! Yes you are right but I'm taking my time...in no huge hurry.
Ithe more I ignore him the more he seems to contact I guess he'll get the message soon. 
I've decided to get the brokers to contact him direct and report back what he says.
Seems the best solution as I don't have to talk to him then.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

Bentley'sMom said:


> Cost him dearly! Yes you are right but I'm taking my time...in no huge hurry.
> Ithe more I ignore him the more he seems to contact I guess he'll get the message soon.
> I've decided to get the brokers to contact him direct and report back what he says.
> Seems the best solution as I don't have to talk to him then.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You seem to enjoy playing the contact/no contact game and getting a reaction out of him and trying to figure out what he's going to do and say next. You want to maintain a connection with him.

Like I said, I get it. When you really want to disconnect once and for all, you'll figure out what you need to do and you'll get it done. 

I'll leave this thread with just one last piece of advice that I hope you find useful. It sounds to me like for the most part, your husband has moved on. He cheated on you, he moved in with his mistress, and while he enjoys messing with your head by holding back on the support and fabricating unecessary lies, he's not spending nearly as much time thinking about you, as you are about him.

Eventually you'll stop renting him so much free space in your head, and you will learn that the best way to deal with him is to not deal with him at all, and the best way to get there is to sever all ties, as fast and efficiently and as inexpensively as possible.

Only then will you start to really move on and start living your life again.

Good luck.


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