# Spying on Lying Spouse and Need Advice



## Underground (Dec 28, 2015)

I am afraid my wife is interested in another man, her personal trainer. Since joining his gym in October she has grown more and more distant and irritable. I am not proud of this, but three weeks ago, I peeked at her browser history on her smart phone, and saw a number of searches on how to have relationships with Libra men (her trainer is a Libra). Rather than disclose to her that I intentionally viewed her search history, I convinced her that I noticed an open web page after she asked me to answer her phone. This gave me the opportunity to confront her without having to play defense and be accused of spying. My wife said she was just playing around one time, has not done any searches since that time, and has absolutely no interest in her trainer. However, this is a blatant lie, because now I DO check her phone and tablet on a regular basis (again, I am not proud of this). Sure enough, she continues to do racy searches on this topic. Just now, I saw that she searched on whether a Libra man will make the first move. All of this is being done as the two of us continue to talk about our relationship issues and wait for our first marriage counseling appointment (hopefully this week). She is lying to me... but should I admit I have been sneaking around on her computers and risk the fallout? I am becoming desperately confused as I love my wife and don't want to lose her. Please help!!


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

The fact that she is lying to you is very serious and needs to be investigated.

Don't admit anything until you know exactly what you are dealing with.

See http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html for how to get the goods on her.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

never disclose you sources of Information


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

Don't say anything to her. you have no idea where your info came from. I have a feeling that she has checked out a bit and is starting to make plans. Watch your back.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Read this through....

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html

We have had a few betrayed husbands come on TAM with wayward wives who were fooling around with their trainers. You should be concerned.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Stfu right now. Go dark. Never let on that you suspect anything.

Cheaters can be careless about their actions, but as soon as they think they are under suspicion they will become very careful. They will take it underground.

Never ever confront her unless you have solid absolute proof. Even then she will deny everything! That's how this works every single time.

You need to implement real spy tech. Don't feel guilty for doing it. Obviously there are problems in the relationship, and obviously she is at least dabbling with the idea of cheating. You have every right to know the truth of your relationship. She has no right to secret illicit activities which harm you and the family.


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

Thor said:


> Stfu right now. Go dark. Never let on that you suspect anything.
> 
> Cheaters can be careless about their actions, but as soon as they think they are under suspicion they will become very careful. They will take it underground.
> 
> ...


Thor is right on , Never speak of it again to her without serious evidence. As in bullet proof! Just confronting her and allowing her to make excuses only drives her to hide it better. Which she is probably already doing to some extent.

Never feel guilty for protecting yourself.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

I agree with the others, but I can be a bit of an a$$hat at times too. I'd show up at the gym, while she's working out walk up to the both of them. Tell her she left her tablet open and when you bumped it her search for having a relationship with a libra came up. Say once is a joke, then look at the trainer and say but searching if libras will make the first move is far more intentional. Tell the trainer she is yours as she has checked out of the marriage. Tell her not to come home until you tell her to, and that you are calling her family to meet with all of them to show them what she is doing. Then simply walk out. The point is to bring a hard reality to her fantasy which she should only do with you. Since she is lying and deceptive I say do it rudely. Just what I would do, but that doesn't work for everyone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Underground,

You need to widen your surveillance and mention nothing, or your W will take this further underground. Go quiet while you are loading up your clips.

For the time being it is a good thing if your W has stopped having sex with you as you don't want to get an STD from this "trainer" who may be playing multiple women at the same time.

I've seen many cases of Ws falling for trainers, which is why as a class of humanity I despise them, until proven otherwise. 

I would also friend this trainer on facebook, linkedin and etc now and record all his contacts so you can send out an exposure letter when the affair is proven.

Tamat


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

drifting on said:


> I agree with the others, but I can be a bit of an a$$hat at times too. I'd show up at the gym, while she's working out walk up to the both of them. Tell her she left her tablet open and when you bumped it her search for having a relationship with a libra came up. Say once is a joke, then look at the trainer and say but searching if libras will make the first move is far more intentional. Tell the trainer she is yours as she has checked out of the marriage. Tell her not to come home until you tell her to, and that you are calling her family to meet with all of them to show them what she is doing. Then simply walk out. The point is to bring a hard reality to her fantasy which she should only do with you. Since she is lying and deceptive I say do it rudely. Just what I would do, but that doesn't work for everyone.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Not only genius, should be rather effective as well.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Sorry you are here bro., but you are in the right place to get help. Some may not sit well with you, but at this phase don't discount anything.

There have been too many posters here with personal trainer problems.

Him and her are sending out vibes, each is waiting to see who gonna make the first move.

Truthfully, I'm with Drifting on. Exactly as he stated.
Why give her a chance to destroy your family ??

Let's say, while you are monitoring, she starts the affair. Well, taking the bull by the horns is what a husband and father is suppose to do.
He **** block and protect what's his.
For in a marriage, there is no such thing as privacy except using the bathroom.

What she is focusing on, instead of fixing her marriage, is starting an affair.
So you are totally in the right confronting her.
And if she throw that carp about respecting her privacy, tell her since you had a bad feeling after reading her search that time, that hell yeah you been watching.
And her lying and later searches proves you needed to.

Tell her she will quit the gym and never speak to this man again.

Now you can sit back and monitor, but if it was me and my family, I would be the HEAD of my household.

Get the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy", because it's sounding like you are afraid to go head to head with your wife.

You see, if it's this hard now, how hard do you think it will be if she does f#ck this ahole??

Big boy pants time dude. Let the politically correct worry about there own. 
You protect your family,, and yeah,, that mean stopping your wife in her tracks head to head.


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

TAMAT said:


> Underground,
> 
> I would also friend this trainer on facebook, linkedin and etc now and record all his contacts so you can send out an exposure letter when the affair is proven.
> 
> Tamat


Now that is awesome.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

She's into trainer because he's strong, is knowledgeable in his subject, and tells her what to do. So she wants to please him with her performance.
It's a similar dichotomy to probably the most common type of affair partner, boss / assistant relationship.

So far you're being too timid. Your concern about "invading" her privacy tells me you cower to her and must walk on egg shells in fear of her. Woman can sniff weakness and neediness a mile away. You need to remind her of the man you were in the beginning. You now have to be the strong one and be her alpha. 

I'm not talking about being a pushy jerk. As an example, you should be training her. Go to gym with her and train together. Up your game across the board. Are you helping around the house. Not talking about becoming a kitchen b!tch but don't be a couch potato while she's busting her ass. Are you doing date nights? Occasionally surprising her with small gifts? If you have kids, are you doing your share of helping with kids? You get the picture.

Of course none of that will work while she's in an EA. You have to be willing to destroy the marriage in order to possibly save it. Woman only respect strength. I agree with a shock and awe campaign that @drifting on proposed. Doesn't have to be exact but you need to know that the bold strong one almost always gets the girl. Let her see your " I don't give a fvck" attitude. The one that care the least has the power. Show her that you'll burn this up but you have to mean it for it to work.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Underground said:


> I am afraid my wife is interested in another man, her personal trainer. Since joining his gym in October she has grown more and more distant and irritable. I am not proud of this, but three weeks ago, I peeked at her browser history on her smart phone, and saw a number of searches on how to have relationships with Libra men (her trainer is a Libra). Rather than disclose to her that I intentionally viewed her search history, I convinced her that I noticed an open web page after she asked me to answer her phone. This gave me the opportunity to confront her without having to play defense and be accused of spying. My wife said she was just playing around one time, has not done any searches since that time, and has absolutely no interest in her trainer. However, this is a blatant lie, because now I DO check her phone and tablet on a regular basis (again, I am not proud of this). Sure enough, she continues to do racy searches on this topic. Just now, I saw that she searched on whether a Libra man will make the first move. All of this is being done as the two of us continue to talk about our relationship issues and wait for our first marriage counseling appointment (hopefully this week). She is lying to me... but should I admit I have been sneaking around on her computers and risk the fallout? I am becoming desperately confused as I love my wife and don't want to lose her. Please help!!


How old are the two of you and how long have you been married?

Do you have any children together?

Does she work outside the home?

What do the two of you do for work?


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## Kobold (Dec 5, 2015)

Underground said:


> I am afraid my wife is interested in another man, her personal trainer.
> *
> Why would you tolerate her having a male personal trainer in the first place? That's like the most stereotypical AP for a bored wife ever.
> *
> ...


IMO you shouldn't admit anything until you have the smoking gun and her looking up nonsense about dating Libras, while a betrayal in and of itself and certainly worthy of further investigation, doesn't prove that they're actually sleeping together. Go full Sherlock Holmes on her, get your undeniable proof and then proceed from there. If you blab now she'll just go further underground and you'll be stuck in limbo even longer.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

WTH!!!!!!

This is your wife, life and family!!!! 

Sorry for snooping????? Bullsh!t!!!! There should be no secrets in a marriage and you should be taking care of business now not after the fact. Then it's too late.

Man up here, if you are timid and weak you will lose. I'd set her azz down now and tell her what she has to lose if she starts this crazy sh!t. But before you do print out all the evidence first.

Respect yourself. This is your life pal. I'd tell her this gym membership is history.

Wake up!!!!! Now or you will be sorry I promise you that.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Sorry you are here my friend.

Dont feel "guilty" about searching her web history or phone history. She is YOUR WIFE and you should not have secrets. 

I dont know why you feel this way 

Your wife is in Emotional Affair and she set her mind to cheat on you. Now it is up to you to decide what you want.

Do you want to prevent this Affair and keep checking her in the future to see if she was now into Asian man,European man or someone else ???

If I was in your shoes I would wait for her next training,then pack her stuff and join her there. I would tell her she is free now to see how this men feel and she should not wait for her unanswered question about "WHO IS GOING TO MAKE A FIRST MOVE".

Also I would expose this to family and friend. Let them know what a "wife" she is.

You said you are going into your first counseling. I have to ask this " why are you going for it,when she have her mind on someone else"?

You caught her this time,but next time she is going to be smarter.


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## plomito (Apr 7, 2015)

Well all I can say is act, maybe pay a visit to this gym and see what going on. I go to the gym and I see how trainers take advantage since they are so knowledgeable and fit And like to involve women in their BS. Trust me some of this dudes take pride in doing this to married women, and unless you make a move now, this won't stop. I don't know about exposing the wife, because later on if things will get better between you and her. But go and show face, you have all the right to confront the trainer and maybe report him to the manager.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

You are not in a court of' law.'and you do not need a smoking gun, which in this case her having sex with this trainer .
Put a VAR in her car and you will find out in less the. 48 hours what she is up to. If they are close to having a PA or have done it already they will be talking outside of the gym.
Or she will be talking to one of her girlfriends about OM on the phone

Or wait OUTSIDE the gym and watch when she comes out. They are not likely to be having sex in the gym. 
But doing nothing until you are sure they have been intimate is going to kick you in the butt big time . Once it starts it will be harder to stop ,


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The first thing you do is tell her to forget going to the gym or get a lawyer.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Those searches she has done is a ref flag, but by itself not enough to confront. That will only drive her underground if she is determined to have an A and it will be that much harder to get proof.

If she is cheating or is in the beginning phases, you will catch her if you do your due diligence. Be stealthy, be patient, and learn the techniques.

Check her cell phone records. Look through her phone when she's in the shower or asleep, to see if she has deleted texts in comparison.

If you find that she has deleted some, I still wouldn't confront yet. Do a reverse phone search on the texts she has deleted. Put a VAR in her car. Then either attempt to recover her texts, or install spyware on her phone and wait a couple of weeks. You need evidence that she can't dispute or explain away.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I agree on the VAR in the car, velcroed under the seat. You could install a keylogger on the computer but she likely uses only her phone to contact him. Do you know anyone who goes to that gym? Ask them to go when you know she'll be there to get pictures of them together.

And read these two books in the meantime: No More Mr Nice Guy and Married Man Sex Life Primer. It's been said already, but she is hot for this guy because he's strong, buff, and aggressive. You are weak, questioning things, probably not buff, and she sees you as a wimp and a problem (marital issues?). Those books will help you understand what DOES attract a woman. Hint: whining and begging does NOT.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

I know SEVERAL male trainers. Around here, it's an easy profession for a young guy that's been going to the gym to do. 

He starts going to the gym, he sees some muscle, he takes a course for a few days, boom. He's a personal trainer. And it only costs $500.

Having been a gym rat myself, I can tell you, probably 95% of these male trainers are douch*canoes. They're full of themselves, they have super high confidence because they're in good shape, they have become obsessed with fitness and their bodies. And they're mostly jerks.

There is a small percentage who just genuinely want to help people. I have 1 such friend who was a personal trainer. He was one for 6 years. Nice guy. No bad intentions. He was kind of young, but I've never seen anything inappropriate out of this guy. And he's a good looking guy. He's been said to look a lot like a couple movie stars (who's names are escaping me right now). 

But anyway. He's told me more times than I can count, that he was constantly hit on and pursued by his older female clients. I don't mean older like 75, I mean older like 35,40,45. And yes, most of them were married! 

Some women see a young, fit guy and go gaga. Add to it that the guy is probably commenting on her weight loss progress, and the fact that the guy is constantly encouraging her up do better, telling her how great she's already doing, telling her to keep up the good work, stroking her ego......

It can be total breeding ground for an affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

The older a woman gets the more she grasps at youth. These boy-toys are like candy to some of these women. Tools for validation. 

I blame a lot of this on our pop culture, which promotes self-worship and narcissism.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

Dig as deep as you need to and do whatever you have to do, but do not under any circumstances reveal the source of your information. Do not under any circumstances threaten your spouse's personal or professional reputation with the information you uncover. Those two things can be turned back on you and used as weapons farther down the road.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

drifting on said:


> I agree with the others, but I can be a bit of an a$$hat at times too. I'd show up at the gym, while she's working out walk up to the both of them. Tell her she left her tablet open and when you bumped it her search for having a relationship with a libra came up. Say once is a joke, then look at the trainer and say but searching if libras will make the first move is far more intentional. Tell the trainer she is yours as she has checked out of the marriage. Tell her not to come home until you tell her to, and that you are calling her family to meet with all of them to show them what she is doing. Then simply walk out. The point is to bring a hard reality to her fantasy which she should only do with you. Since she is lying and deceptive I say do it rudely. Just what I would do, but that doesn't work for everyone.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I would take this advise and execute it to the letter. Take no prisoners.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Marc878 said:


> WTH!!!!!!
> 
> This is your wife, life and family!!!!
> 
> ...


Got to love this Blitzkrieg approach.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Yeswecan said:


> Got to love this Blitzkrieg approach.


It works too


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## D1C (Aug 29, 2015)

drifting on said:


> I agree with the others, but I can be a bit of an a$$hat at times too. I'd show up at the gym, while she's working out walk up to the both of them. Tell her she left her tablet open and when you bumped it her search for having a relationship with a libra came up. Say once is a joke, then look at the trainer and say but searching if libras will make the first move is far more intentional. Tell the trainer she is yours as she has checked out of the marriage. Tell her not to come home until you tell her to, and that you are calling her family to meet with all of them to show them what she is doing. Then simply walk out. The point is to bring a hard reality to her fantasy which she should only do with you. Since she is lying and deceptive I say do it rudely. Just what I would do, but that doesn't work for everyone.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Exactly what I would do. I don't have time for all that snooping and spying nonsense. You don't want to be here? fine... Go!


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Marc878 said:


> It works too


I have know doubt. Steadfast resolve. Beating around the bush accomplishes nothing. Burning the bush down does. 

For me, the consistent looking up of what Libra's do is enough for me. 

Time to shoot the rainbow farting unicorn in this fantasy.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Yeswecan said:


> I have know doubt. Steadfast resolve. Beating around the bush accomplishes nothing. Burning the bush down does.
> 
> For me, the consistent looking up of what Libra's do is enough for me.
> 
> Time to shoot the rainbow farting unicorn in this fantasy.


The thing is words only go so far. You have to be more than willing to pull that trigger.

Me I'm maybe too eager sometimes. But I've found over time if you go at something straight, on non stop it gets rectified real quick one way or the other.


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

LosingHim said:


> I know SEVERAL male trainers. Around here, it's an easy profession for a young guy that's been going to the gym to do.
> 
> He starts going to the gym, he sees some muscle, he takes a course for a few days, boom. He's a personal trainer. And it only costs $500.
> 
> ...


The above is spot on....the guys I employee at my gym would run amok if left unchecked BUT as they all know my 
view on affairs unless they want another job they stay professional


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Why would you feel guilty about protecting your wife from herself?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

If it's me, I tell her that I saw what was on her phone and that she can take her ass someplace else but not in the same house with you.

I would let her know that if she wants to be with him then go but if she wants to patch the marriage up then she better know right from the get go that it wont be easy. The trust is all gone and everything she says to you is taken with a grain of salt. She play by your rules and there will be not changing them. If she cant accept it or wont then you know that she isn't interested then you find a lawyer and turn it over to him.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

How do you know the guy is a Libra?


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Blow this up hard and fast or suffer the consequences later


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

soccermom2three said:


> How do you know the guy is a Libra?


This could easily have come up in conversation..."My birthday is next week! When is yours?"


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Spicy said:


> This could easily have come up in conversation..."My birthday is next week! When is yours?"


Some workplaces have staff birthdays on a wall chart. My last company did.


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## Voltaire2013 (Sep 22, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Some workplaces have staff birthdays on a wall chart. My last company did.


They need a zombie thread calendar too. 

Cheers,
V(13)


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## Purplebubbles (Jul 1, 2016)

Try and keep it quiet for as long as you need! I made the mistake of when i found a load of sex/dating sites on my husbands phone by attacking him straight away & i was in a rage & didn't think! Now he knows and he hides it, to the point everything is now done at work on work phones were i cant check! Ive learnt my lesson and will shut my mouth amd get all my ducks in a row if i was in that predicament again! 

Tell her your going to join the gym with her and go with her, see how she reacts!


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

OP is long gone. Zombie land


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Marc878 said:


> OP is long gone. Zombie land


My guess is he read sh1t he didn't want to read. He isn't prepared to do what he needs to do.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Purplebubbles said:


> Tell her your going to join the gym with her and go with her, see how she reacts!


I like this ... a lot! The only thing I would do different is do it without warning her in advance. Just show up and then get the reaction. It also puts the other assh0le (OM) on notice.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

in addition to all the above, you might want to casually mention that Personal Trainers often have 5 different affair partners at once, and that a woman would be a fool to think one was interested in her.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Talker67 said:


> in addition to all the above, you might want to casually mention that Personal Trainers often have 5 different affair partners at once, and that a woman would be a fool to think one was interested in her.


Or say: "I read an article on how many personal trainers carry STDs."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)




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