# H wanting to get to third base in seconds puts me off



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

When i was younger I didn't mind so much but now I am a little fed up of the 'grabbing' 'mauling' etc, Got home yesterday at 10pm due to a work trip. Sat down to watch movie with H and a glass of wine and a chat, all going well, some kisses, then the grabbing, (there is nothing remotely a turn on about that) he is offended because I told him so.

Then in bed, (went to bed late 1.30am), he is making his moves, I'm into it then he starts talking about someone he met in the day and his fantastic watch (my H is into collecting expensive watches) and i am thinking that H is not too interested in me and what is happening, another turn off so things didn't go as planned (i.e. no sex).
Is this me (finding excuses) or is it him (he's not too into me). 
This doesn't always happen, sometimes it can be really hot, last night we were both tired, and maybe I am over thinking things?
But still don't get why guys do the 'right breast, left breast and then down there routine" And the grabbing is bloody annoying.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

I don't get why people want to talk about things unrelated to sex while supposedly getting in the mood for sex. That doesn't work for me.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Grabbing can be a turn off, yes. I think maybe you just need to get on the same page, doesn't seem like it's anything that can't be fixed pretty quickly. The fact that he is grabbing/groping does show interest, but you prefer that the interest he shows aroused you more, is what it sounds like to me, and nothing wrong with that. Maybe just try to communicate about it, and hopefully, in time, it will improve.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

FrenchFry said:


> The older I get the less I'm into grabby as well, but I'm also less nice about it and at first my husband would get mad about it, but once he realized that we have WAY more sex when he doesn't grab, he stopped.



That sounds like great advice! True the older I get i want more tenderness. I have told him, but then he gets the hump and pulls away. :frown2:


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

tech-novelist said:


> I don't get why people want to talk about things unrelated to sex while supposedly getting in the mood for sex. That doesn't work for me.


That's exactly how I feel


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

First go to the sex in marriage forum and check out the sexless marriage threads.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Ya know what? 
I'm not feeling your dilemma. 
I would kill to have a husband who wanted to touch me and was still interested in me.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Just FYI from an older...btdt woman....


For 23 years, I WISHED my H would TOUCH me more often, SHOW me he wants me.

H #2.... ALWAYS touches me.... grabby or sexy or whatever....he SHOWS me that he wants me. 


Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Yup, when he stops trying to touch you, that's when it's time to start worrying. Then again, if you're really not into him why are you there?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

VeryHurt said:


> Ya know what?
> I'm not feeling your dilemma.
> I would kill to have a husband who wanted to touch me and was still interested in me.


There's a difference between 'touch' and 'grab' and 'maul' believe me


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Yup, when he stops trying to touch you, that's when it's time to start worrying. Then again, if you're really not into him why are you there?


In spite of all our problems I still find my H an incredibly sexy man, when sex is good it is mindblowing, I am just saying I would like a bit of tenderness and not the 'right breast, left breast, and down there grab' it is off putting and rough.
My H is a very physical man, a typical alpha male at work and home. I admire him for his achievements, etc but what is wrong with tenderness? i don't want to be rugby tackled when he wants sex! I am not a piece of meat!

BTW, he can be tender if he wants to be ( I have experienced it) so why go the other route when he knows I am not into it? Maybe the question I should be asking, is he really into me or is just getting his physical needs met? 
BTW males, women may like it rough sometimes but it's the same with the horse play. I am the wrong side of my 40's and as my kids are not around, I now get the jovial pokes and prods they used to get. I hate them as they are painful and to my mind not funny. I guess men like all this sort of tactile stuff but I for one do not.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

FrenchFry said:


> I wanted him to be on-board, and I was (and still am) 100% willing to be open with what I like, what I want and how I would like it. I'm 100% willing to give all sorts of positive reinforcement but I have no control of his hurt feelings if he doesn't like what I'm telling him.


I think FrenchFry is giving you solid advice. 

What I'd like to add, is around the way you communicate that you'd be turned on by another approach. If tone and body language is one of disgust and blame... that could most certainly be a turn off too, even if the reason you are telling him is because you want to share in mutually satisfying sexiness. I think communicating to him is valuable. I think learning to refine _how_ you communicate may be helpful and sexy unto itself. Body language, the eyes, the way you respond to him, telling him what you want in a lustful tone... could even be in a playful humorous way... including when he's talking about the watch! Rather than potentially close-off or put him down, have a play with communication.


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## tommyr (May 25, 2014)

Not to excuse his behavior, but how long was your work trip?

Also, I notice in a thread you started less than a month ago you told him you want a divorce.
So I'm thinking maybe there are some broader issues going on beyond just the pace of foreplay.
How are things in general?


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

tech-novelist said:


> I don't get why people want to talk about things unrelated to sex while supposedly getting in the mood for sex. That doesn't work for me.


How else am I supposed to know the ceiling Needs painting?.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Thound said:


> How else am I supposed to know the ceiling Ned painting?.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

aine said:


> In spite of all our problems I still find my H an incredibly sexy man, when sex is good it is mindblowing, I am just saying I would like a bit of tenderness and not the 'right breast, left breast, and down there grab' it is off putting and rough.
> My H is a very physical man, a typical alpha male at work and home. I admire him for his achievements, etc but what is wrong with tenderness? i don't want to be rugby tackled when he wants sex! I am not a piece of meat!
> 
> BTW, he can be tender if he wants to be ( I have experienced it) so why go the other route when he knows I am not into it? Maybe the question I should be asking, is he really into me or is just getting his physical needs met?
> BTW males, women may like it rough sometimes but it's the same with the horse play. I am the wrong side of my 40's and as my kids are not around, I now get the jovial pokes and prods they used to get. I hate them as they are painful and to my mind not funny. I guess men like all this sort of tactile stuff but I for one do not.


Not all men like that sort of thing. I don't.

I would never touch my wife in any way that I think might hurt her.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

aine said:


> There's a difference between 'touch' and 'grab' and 'maul' believe me


Reads like possible abuse. If that's the case, he needs to get some help that you can't provide. 

If you are just a bit emotional, I think what FF said seems great, rather than continuing to be harmed. I don't think embarrassing him would be a good idea. I think her method of showing, further down in the post is better, but that's just me.

Also, instead of it reading like he doesn't want you, as you sort of stated in the op, it actually read to me, like he is really horny for you. Yes, childishly horny. 

As others stated, I think many would like that, and figure they could cool his jets and show him what they want and how to go about it, without him being shot down so hard, he never bothers again.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Catch him off guard at a vulnerable moment and do a grab and maul to see how he likes it!

I double dawg dare you......


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

How we respond to our partner's sexual style is so fraught with how we feel about them and our marriages in general. 

I used to feel so turned off when my husband wanted me--no matter his approach--because our emotional intimacy and trust were bad and we were largely shut down towards one another. The fact that he still wanted me sexually even though he didn't seem to like me much as a person was a huge turn off to me. It made me feel like a piece of meat, not loved, cherished and respected. 

Worked on that, fixed the intimacy and trust issues. Also worked on letting go of a lot of assumptions I'd been making about his feelings towards me, and what sex with me meant to him. Learned how to communicate better, etc. 

Now he can do what ever he wants to me when ever he wants, and I love it and it turns me on and I don't want to change any of it because I love being the recipient of his raw desire. I'm not saying we never have ups and downs anymore, but the ups and downs don't play out in our sex life like they used to. Our sex life is no longer the battleground--we clean up the issues outside the bedroom.

I think it's perfectly legit to communicate about what turns you on, what turns you off, how you like to be touched, what you'd like the conversation to be like or not to be like, etc. But it's also easy to fall into the habit of "gate keeping" physical intimacy to compensate for poor emotional intimacy and trust, to try and balm wounds that won't be fixed by controlling your partner's sexual style. That control might make you feel better able to tolerate/enjoy sex with your partner, and it might give you the breathing room to not built resentment, but I would say that it also can become an unhealthy way to avoid dealing with more pervasive issues in the marriage.

Just something to consider.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

grame said:


> By the way having intercourse is home base not third base.
> 
> Let's review.
> 
> ...


I am not au fait with the US baseball terminology as I am not from US, but where I grew up third base was used to describe going the whole way.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Getting and Tommyr have made some valid points about the other aspects of our marriage, those are lingering in the background, we are still together, some days are good, some days bad, we are trying but I am reluctant to put both feet in as i don't want to be hurt anymore, so there is a part of my heart that is just not available to him. 
He told me he loved me this morning and instead of saying it back I said 'that is sweet' it was an automatic response and then i said i loved him but I honestly don't know if I meant it. I want to and I know I can fall in love with him again but there are issues of trust on my side. I know he is trying in this department too. We just take one day at a time but I am working, finishing my studies and do not think about the future too much atm.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
many people make the mistake of thinking that all women, or all men want the same thing. Its not only untrue, but the SAME man or woman may want different things at different times.

You may need to be very clear with him about what you do and don't want.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

aine said:


> I am not au fait with the US baseball terminology as I am not from US, but where I grew up third base was used to describe going the whole way.


Ah... If your husband wants to go straight from kissing to intercourse, keep in mind that it is likely that he has been fantasizing and anticipating sex with you for the better part of the day. So for him this may be like being over six hours into the idea of having sex with you, so it could actually be a VERY SLOW build up from his point of view.

Talk to him about this and see if it the case. If it is, ask him to put a little effort into being romantic with you while he is thinking about you throughout the day, such as sending you texts, conveying his desire for you, and being creatively playful. This way once you are together late into the evening, you can better understand the context of his arousal so that you know what you are working with. Hopefully this allows you to be more playful and receptive in return as opposed to being put off and feeling like he does not care about going slow.

OR, you could find out he is just "Boing, I'm ready to go!" at random times and has not learned the appreciation of taking it slow. Working with that will be different than what I described above.

Good luck,
Badsanta


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

aine said:


> In spite of all our problems I still find my H an incredibly sexy man, when sex is good it is mindblowing, I am just saying I would like a bit of tenderness and not the 'right breast, left breast, and down there grab' it is off putting and rough.
> My H is a very physical man, a typical alpha male at work and home. I admire him for his achievements, etc but what is wrong with tenderness? i don't want to be rugby tackled when he wants sex! I am not a piece of meat!
> 
> BTW, he can be tender if he wants to be ( I have experienced it) so why go the other route when he knows I am not into it? Maybe the question I should be asking, is he really into me or is just getting his physical needs met?
> BTW males, women may like it rough sometimes but it's the same with the horse play. I am the wrong side of my 40's and as my kids are not around, I now get the jovial pokes and prods they used to get. I hate them as they are painful and to my mind not funny. I guess men like all this sort of tactile stuff but I for one do not.


Then just tell him all of what you said in your fist paragraph. People arent mind readers. If you tell him EXACTLY what you said in your first paragraph, I cant see it ending badly and not helping move towards better communication in bed for the future.


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## Kilgoretrout (Feb 2, 2016)

aine said:


> When i was younger I didn't mind so much but now I am a little fed up of the 'grabbing' 'mauling' etc, Got home yesterday at 10pm due to a work trip. Sat down to watch movie with H and a glass of wine and a chat, all going well, some kisses, then the grabbing, (there is nothing remotely a turn on about that) he is offended because I told him so.
> 
> Then in bed, (went to bed late 1.30am), he is making his moves, I'm into it then he starts talking about someone he met in the day and his fantastic watch (my H is into collecting expensive watches) and i am thinking that H is not too interested in me and what is happening, another turn off so things didn't go as planned (i.e. no sex).
> Is this me (finding excuses) or is it him (he's not too into me).
> ...


I agree. As a guy I think I used to do that a lot. Now I try to be more conscious about trying to vary things and looking for new ways to give pleasure. That said if she just grabbed my balls I would never complain 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Idun (Jul 30, 2011)

Tell him to start at the top and work his way down! Like a classic car you need to warm up slowly 

1. Your mind - you're connected, had some time to talk and feel close since you've reunited that day.
2. Kissing - with tongue to simulate sex (lots of it)
3. Hands roaming on the top end and squeeze the bum
4. Hands can migrate to the V (only if phases 1-3 have gone on long enough that you're ready for it!)


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Maybe I am getting old, but didn't realize grabbing/mauling was still thought as the way to get the Ws engine going .... It is actually really easy for me, if I want to turn my wife to jelly I just start playing with her hair / head massage. Takes very little effort and she melts quickly.

The only downside, she would have no problem sitting there for hours getting her head rubbed, so assuming I am trying to start something my hands need to eventually start working their way south.


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