# Fiance let another man touch her sexually during dancing..says it is not cheating



## Miggmo (May 27, 2018)

I need some advice.. I just found out my fiance who I'm supposed to marry next month, not only danced with another man but he touched her breasts and behind and she let him. My fiance went on vacation out of the country with her mother and they went to a club, however she had told me they went to a restaurant.. I had a feeling something was wrong.. Once she got back I asked her if she went to the club and she confessed.. I'm heartbroken I'm supposed to be marrying her. She also says this is not cheating but admits it's wrong.. Can someone give their opinion?? Thank you for your time..


----------



## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

I can only imagine how difficult it would be to call off a wedding when it's so close, but I think you'd be wise to wait.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Miggmo said:


> I need some advice.. I just found out my fiance who I'm supposed to marry next month, not only danced with another man but he touched her breasts and behind and she let him. My fiance went on vacation out of the country with her mother and they went to a club, however she had told me they went to a restaurant.. I had a feeling something was wrong.. Once she got back I asked her if she went to the club and she confessed.. I'm heartbroken I'm supposed to be marrying her. She also says this is not cheating but admits it's wrong.. Can someone give their opinion?? Thank you for your time..


*I would greatly think that she's giving you a "free sample" of what's to come following your nuptials, provided they even happen! You sound like her preeminent "Plan B!"

Time for a "Come to Jesus Meeting" with an exit strategy!*


----------



## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Her love language is physical touch. So touch her butt (metaphorically) with your boot. 

Seriously, this is such a red flag (insert joke about a parade in China), that I'd be reconsidering a lifelong, legal contract with this woman (I'd say the same about a man doing this…trying to placate all the gender equalists out there). Her inability to distinguish inappropriate behaviour is worrying.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Why would she even tell you this unless there is something worse. I would postpone the wedding if it were me, until I got to the bottom of this. Why is she doing this so close to the wedding, this is supposed to be when you are really at the peak of your relationship and she is going to clubs and having strange men feeling her all up? Marriage is a huge risk and it's not wise to do that with people who have poor boundaries. 

Right now it's an event that gets ruined but in the future it could be kids and houses and years wasted. Proceed with caution.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Sounds like she confessed to a small thing to keep from having to tell the truth about a much bigger thing.

I’d call it off.


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You are only getting a hint of what really happened.Thank your lucky stars that you found out about this behavior before you got married.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

All cheaters lie hide and minimize. I suspect you only know the "tip of the iceberg".

Her mother isn't obviously moral material either.

You'd be wise to get out now and write this one off. She should be 100% into you at this time but her actions are way off. 

Better wake up before you sign on for the ride from hell.

It is and was cheating plus she's a devious liar.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What other country did she go to? Is this a country that she is originally from?


----------



## Miggmo (May 27, 2018)

She went to turks and caicos.. She insists that nothing else happened.. That he asked her for a kiss at the end of the night but she had to refuse.. Everybody thank you for your time


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Miggmo

I changed your user name so that it's not your email address.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Miggmo said:


> She went to turks and caicos.. She insists that nothing else happened.. That he asked her for a kiss at the end of the night but she had to refuse.. Everybody thank you for your time


I had to look that up as I've never heard of Turks and Caicos. "Turks and Caicos is an archipelago of 40 low-lying coral islands in the Atlantic Ocean, a British Overseas Territory southeast of the Bahamas."

I figured it was some place in the Caribbean or South America. This sort of behavior is pretty common in those sort of resorts.

If she was dancing and he did this without her encouraging him, that's one thing. She has zero control over his behavior. So it's a one-off then no foul on her. But if she encouraged it and let him do this dancing with him through many songs, then she participated.

I've had many men do things like touch my boobs, crotch and behind while I was going things as innocent as taking the bus, walking down the street, waiting in line, and even dancing. I've also had men ask me to kiss them, again with me doing nothing to lead them on. 

How does she describe what went on beyond him touching her and asking for a kiss? Was she with people that you know? Was he in the group of people she hung out with? Or was he some guy she met there? How much time did she spend with him at the club? Many dances or just that one? Was the touching during the last dance? Or through many dances?


----------



## BadGrammar (Oct 29, 2017)

[email protected] said:


> I'm heartbroken I'm supposed to be marrying her.


You are not "supposed" to do anything with a partner you cannot trust.



[email protected] said:


> My fiance went on vacation out of the country with her mother and they went to a club, however she had told me they went to a restaurant.


Her mother? Just a guess... but if you go through with the marriage your soon to be MIL may be the worst type of toxic friend. I'm curious to know her mother's history. The apple not falling far from the tree thing.

I agree with the others that it is likely things probably went further than dance floor shenanigans. I wouldn't be surprised if mom has been coaching her on how to deceive you.

I'd demand a full accounting of everything that went on during this trip. Then do the same with mom (separately of course). See if the details add up. Of course it is possible they have had time to make sure their stories align.

What you do know is that your fiancé went beyond acceptable limits. More importantly, you sensed that something was wrong. If I were in your shoes, I'd trust my gut and call off the wedding.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Me no marry skanky squaw kemosabe!!!

Lets see..... Her mother takes her clubbing so she can get felt up a month before she is supposed to be getting married?

Is this a really hard question for you?


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

He's only gonna get what she wants to tell. Nothing new here. 

Red flags all over at full mast.


----------



## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Miggmo said:


> She went to turks and caicos.. She insists that nothing else happened.. That he asked her for a kiss at the end of the night but she had to refuse.. Everybody thank you for your time


If she insists this is not a form of cheating, then you shouldn’t be married to her. Cancel the wedding.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> Me no marry skanky squaw kemosabe!!!
> 
> Lets see..... Her mother takes her clubbing so she can get felt up a month before she is supposed to be getting married?
> 
> Is this a really hard question for you?



She's shown you a side of her at a time when she shouldn't even be close to something like this. 

It's up to you whether you believe her. Not relationship material.


----------



## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

Was this supposed to be her last fling before marriage? What would be her reaction if it was you doing the tango with some other woman? What if you went to a club for a few lap dances?

1. The wedding must at least be delayed.

2. If she wants to stay in the relationship, she should allow you to begin dating again to see if your feelings are still the same. I would be curious as to her reaction.

3. Have you talked to her mother and expressed your concerns to her? This is another mystery to me, that she was up for something like this.

4. Did your STBXF drink at the club? Another red flag if this allows her to act this way.

5. You better show courage, strength, and decisiveness in this or you are in for much worse down the road.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

It was more than a feel up. I agree with Gus.

Dump, move on. NOT marriage material.

One doesn’t just walk up and feel a woman’s breast’s. THEN go for her ass, without being encouraged. She was encouraging, and continued encouraging. 

She shows no self control, she shows no strong feelings of loyalty to you, or the second touch would have never happened. Move on


----------



## hoblob (Mar 28, 2018)

It is a very weird thing to confess. Also, how did you know to ask. There are way too many questions here that need explaining.
But seriously, why on earth would she confess to this.


----------



## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

There is no definition of "cheating." In your particular situation, the definition - is it, or isn't it - is not the issue. The issue is you had an agreement that was important to you and she broke her agreement.

(1) It was important for you not to go to clubs while in a resort

(2) Either she agreed with you OR she disagreed with you but rather than argue about it she agreed but had done it anyway OR she agreed with you and changed her mind, was influenced by her mother.

(3) She did things during the dancing that you specifically had worried about; she danced with another man in a sexual way and he touched parts of her body in a sexual way OR she danced with another man who touched her in a sexual way and touched her body and she immediately stopped and ran away, OR something in between. It's almost besides the point, since you two BOTH agreed she wouldn't go to a club and she wouldn't dance with another man.

(4) Your worries turned out to be completely true. The fact that you had to ask her NOT to do those things, I am assuming, you had a premonition that this is exactly the type of thing she would do.

(5) There are a lot of people who I guess would laugh it off as no big deal, let it go, no reason to stop the wedding, etc. I believe it is a big deal. Consider that she lied to you and lied about it about something that was important to you. IF you decide to marry her, definitely talk to her about acceptable and unacceptable behavior.

What are the consequences of her actions? Is just arguing with you about it after the fact enough of a consequence?

You didn't ask about this, but I am asking you - what is up with the whole vacation to begin with - your mother going to a "singles" type vacation? Mother and daughter going to a singles-type club? With your fiance as the "wing woman" for her mother? How frequently do they go "clubbing" together? 

Did her mother encourage her to break the agreement with you?

Was the reason you specifically get her to agree NOT to go clubbing and dancing because you thought that's exactly what was going to happen? If so, why do you think your fiance would do something like that (dance sexually with another man)?

Normally, one thing I tell people is that if you can't figure if it's inappropriate it or not, imagine doing it in front of your parents or your spouse's parents. In this case, it seems your fiance's wife seems to encourage it. Is that your sense of it?


----------



## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

As soon as the POS grabbed either her breast or bottom, she should have walked away immediately!!! The pos NEVER should have been given a second bite of the apple, let alone hang around to the end of the night and try for a kiss!!!!

THat is if she is telling the truth, which I’m suspicious of!

Have you talked to all friends that else were there at the club? They will all back her story, but look to see if they are nervous telling you the story.

I also think you need to tell her that the wedding is on hold for the time being at least. 

BEST CASE Scenario: She has SERIOUS boundary issues!!!

Worst Case Scenario: She is a cheater

If she is willing to do this now, when she is head over heels in love, and you two are all lovey-dovey, what is she going to do when the stress level at home is through the roof because of kids and bills, and her friends invite her out for a Girls Night Out?!?!

My advice,tell her that you need time to think things over, and that she should consider the wedding on hold until you decide what is best FOR YOU! Tell your sisters and friends everything, and tell them not to pay any more on any bridesmaids dresses for the time being. Let her tell her friends. Then dont talk to her for a week, and see what happens and how you feel.

When she says she will do anything.... tell her that you want HER to research places that do polygraphs in your area, and next week, tell her to make an appointment. You might get a parking lot confession. Of what really happened. 

Now is the time for STRENGTH & DETERMINATION!!! If you show any sign of weakness you are in for a world of hurt in the future


Good luck and I wish you the best


----------



## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

For the sake of argument let’s say that what she’s telling you now is true. You have learned three things:

1.	She lied to you and her mother went along with it. i.e. Her mother knew that they didn’t go to a restaurant. I bet her mother was fully prepared to cover for her.

2.	She intrinsically felt that there was nothing wrong with getting felt up by a strange man a month before she was getting married.

3.	When pressed she admitted that it was technically wrong to allow him to do it.

You have been given a window into how she thinks and feels. The analogy I use is someone that grew up eating pork converting to a religion where it’s a sin. They know that they promised to never eat pork. If caught they may feel bad about breaking their word and hurting those around them. But they will never feel intrinsically guilty about enjoying a little bacon. There is nothing wrong with pork.

IMO you have four choices:

1.	Call off the wedding. You can tell people why it was called off or not.

2.	Delay the wedding. Tell her you need time to think. That puts a marker down that you will not tolerate any crap like that in the future. If you ultimately get married let everyone know why it was delayed.

3.	Let everyone know what she did and tell them that you’re thinking about calling off the wedding. Let them beg you not to and get married as planned. That also puts a marker down. (Do not just tell her and let her beg you. Tell everyone and tell them why. Have everyone beg you. Her parents, everyone.)

4.	Forgive her, don’t tell anyone and proceed as if nothing happened.

*For the love of God do not do #4
*


----------



## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

If you are having trust issues now.....

Be careful!! 

Don’t allow ANYONE to pressure you just because there is wedding planned! Dresses, etc can be still be worn at a wedding planned for next year!


And tell EVERYONE, and ask for their opinions, now is the time you will need their support and wisdom.

Do what is best for You and your future


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

The Middleman said:


> If she insists this is not a form of cheating, then you shouldn’t be married to her. Cancel the wedding.


You mean the different zip code/area code/country/continent rule doesn’t apply?


----------



## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Would she be ok with you going out dancing grabbing other women’s breasts and bottom, and then trying to kiss them?

There can be no double standard!!!
What is OK for her is OK for you!


----------



## K Billy Michael (May 27, 2018)

You are way too controlling. She probably had a few drinks and had little choice in the matter. 
Get over it.


----------



## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

At the VERY LEAST, go see a lawyer and have a pre-nup drawn up stating that there will be no alimony in case of divorce, for what ever reason, and any child custody will be 50/50 so neither side will pay child support. If there needs to be one central person, she will provide child support to you.

This would send a HUGE message!! Even if you decide to go forward with the divorce.


----------



## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

I agree it's not cheating. It's just a guy touching her up while dancing, then obviously after a little chat he asked her for a kiss and she refused, so it's cool.

Any girl that can go on holiday with her mama and her mama absolutely keep what happened there between the two of them, is a winner.

Marry her, her and her mom are absolute champions...


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

K Billy Michael said:


> You are way too controlling. She probably had a few drinks and had little choice in the matter.
> Get over it.


“Let” sounds like choice.

But hey, great advice!


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

K Billy Michael said:


> You are way too controlling. She probably had a few drinks and had little choice in the matter.
> Get over it.


If this was done without her consent it is called assault. Don't blame it on alcohol. Alcohol tends to remove inhibitions but does not change the basic moral character of a person.


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Graywolf2 said:


> *For the love of God do not do #4
> *


Go to door #1. Do not even look at any other door. 

Take it from a guy who's BTDT. I ignored the red flags, which were also flying in front of me at full mast.


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

TDSC60 said:


> If this was done without her consent it is called assault.


Being in a drunk house and dancing with an unknown guy ? As far as I'm concerned, more than half of "consent" was hereby given.

An engaged woman should refuse any dance offers from other men, especially in a place where this kind of activity is observable from any seat in the house.

Do not pass go, do not collect $200. In fact, take the game completely off the table and go home. And when you get home, thank God that you are not going to spend your life in misery with this woman.


----------



## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

Miggmo said:


> I need some advice.. I just found out my fiance who I'm supposed to marry next month, not only danced with another man but he touched her breasts and behind and she let him. My fiance went on vacation out of the country with her mother and they went to a club, however she had told me they went to a restaurant.. I had a feeling something was wrong.. Once she got back I asked her if she went to the club and she confessed.. I'm heartbroken I'm supposed to be marrying her. She also says this is not cheating but admits it's wrong.. Can someone give their opinion?? Thank you for your time..


Thank her profusely for making sure you knew about this before the wedding, then cancel the wedding. Good to know about these things before yiou make a commitment you'll later regret.

Don't feel badly...you're at an age where it's easy to be fooled. You are now wiser.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Miggmo said:


> I just found out my fiance who I'm supposed to marry next month, not only danced with another man but he touched her breasts and behind and she let him.





Miggmo said:


> She also says this is not cheating but admits it's wrong.


That fact that she danced with another man and let him touch “her breasts and behind” is bad enough. Her telling you that she believe that “this is not cheating” is a bigger issue, because it shows that she has the mindset of a cheater that has the ability to rationalize to herself being unfaithful. It also shows that if she will not take responsibility for clearly cheating, any apology is hollow and insincere. Additionally, as others have pointer out, there was probably much more that happend. For instance, you cannot really believe that she would let another man feel her out, but not let him kiss her good night.

As hard as it is to push back or cancel a wedding at the last minute, getting a divorce from a cheater after you have kids with them is even harder.


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

BobSimmons said:


> Marry her, her and her mom are absolute champions...


In my sorry-a$$ case, I didn't get to know her mom. But, I found out later, after the marriage was over, that my wife was just like her.
My wife's sister stated that she was a nymphomaniac. And, I shuddered to realize that this woman talking to me right now, had that opportunity years before, but said nothing to me whatsoever.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

BobSimmons said:


> I agree it's not cheating. It's just a guy touching her up while dancing, then obviously after a little chat he asked her for a kiss and she refused, so it's cool.
> 
> Any girl that can go on holiday with her mama and her mama absolutely keep what happened there between the two of them, is a winner.
> 
> Marry her, her and her mom are absolute champions...


For an open marriage maybe. >


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

K Billy Michael said:


> You are way too controlling. She probably had a few drinks and had little choice in the matter.
> Get over it.


 You forgot to end it with “/End Sarcasm”.


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Let’s take another approach. You will proceed with the nuptials provided she takes a polygraph. Tell her any sign of dishonesty it’s over.
I am betting she will refuse the poly.p


----------



## Miggmo (May 27, 2018)

I'm too controlling?? I gave her money, took her and her mom to the airport at 4 in the morning... Told her to be careful and have fun.. And I get screwed. And now on top of that I'm controlling?


----------



## BruceBanner (May 6, 2018)

Miggmo said:


> I need some advice.. I just found out my fiance who I'm supposed to marry next month, not only danced with another man but he touched her breasts and behind and she let him. My fiance went on vacation out of the country with her mother and they went to a club, however she had told me they went to a restaurant.. I had a feeling something was wrong.. Once she got back I asked her if she went to the club and she confessed.. I'm heartbroken I'm supposed to be marrying her. She also says this is not cheating but admits it's wrong.. Can someone give their opinion?? Thank you for your time..


When people show you who they are, believe them the first time. Your wife has already lied once and vacations make it all too easy to cheat.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If you go through with the wedding, keep the TAM link handy because you likely will be back here eventually.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Miggmo said:


> I'm too controlling?? I gave her money, took her and her mom to the airport at 4 in the morning... Told her to be careful and have fun.. And I get screwed. And now on top of that I'm controlling?


 Stop being afraid of being called controlling. The very act of getting engaged is a voluntary agreement by both of you to be controlled by realationship boundaries which include not cheating. If you expecting her to respect those boundaries is controlling, so be it. Embrace it, and let her know that you will not be a doormat.

BTW, the person that said you were controlling was yanking your chain.


----------



## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

So, K Billy, you wouldn't be at all upset if your girlfriend/fiancé (I'm assuming you're a man) not only danced with another man but allowed him to feel her up? :scratchhead:


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Miggmo said:


> I'm too controlling?? I gave her money, took her and her mom to the airport at 4 in the morning... Told her to be careful and have fun.. And I get screwed. And now on top of that I'm controlling?


You aren't controlling but you are in a state of shock. You can't/don't want to believe who a part of your fiancé is. 

Not unusual but for your own sake don't ignore the danger signs in this.

It's like going to the beach and swimming even though there are shark warnings posted all over.

I wouldn't give a **** about cancelling this wedding. It is your life too. Isn't it?


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Miggmo, several issues here.

First, you are entitled to how you feel about this! It doesn't matter if your feelings are what others would call normal or not. You are entitled to completely unreasonable feelings. Now of course she would be entitled to leave you if she found your position to be unacceptable to her. So I'm not saying you can be a jerk and she has to like it. What I'm saying is don't let others tell you to just suck it up, or that it is ok she did this. *You get to define what is acceptable to you*.

If you find her behavior unacceptable in someone you would marry, you are fully entitled to that position. Even if nobody else agrees with you. But I think all but one person on this forum would support you if you decide not to marry her. Just saying you're not way out in left field being upset.

Secondly, a lot of the younger generation has very different ideas and boundaries than the rest of us had. I see it in my kids in their 20's. But I think the more old fashioned ideas worked for many generations, and the new weaker boundaries are going to result in huge numbers of divorces. Dirty dancing like she did is one example. Keeping contact with previous lovers, either in real life or on social media, is another. And I know a lot of 20's/30's who are experimenting with swinging or semi-open marriages. What your wife did would have resulted in the engagement being called off instantly by every person in my generation. No man would have put up with it because it does not honor you or the future marriage. It would be seen as embarrassing if the marriage had then happened. And it is a very real predictor of future cheating, imho.

Thirdly, do you have a trusted sister or perhaps female cousin? Or maybe an aunt. Somebody who knows your fiance would be best, but mostly a female who you can talk to. Women know women, and I think getting a read from a woman could be really helpful. Many times a sister will tell you a woman is bad news because she sees it, but because you're a male you don't. Nature at work! Ftr, the reverse is true to, where men can spot ******* men but women are blind to it. If you have a sister who has been telling you to watch out, I would pay attention.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Miggmo Was it cheating? Well, no. Not really.

But.. and it's a pretty big but, although it is technically not cheating, it's not cheating as making a plan to rob a bank is not actually robbing a bank, but it's a good way along the route to robbing a bank.

Besides which, she is probably trickletruthing you. More than a grope, more than a kiss, would be my guess.


----------



## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> You mean the different zip code/area code/country/continent rule doesn’t apply?


Nope, it’s not a hall pass


----------



## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

K Billy Michael said:


> You are way too controlling. She probably had a few drinks and had little choice in the matter.
> Get over it.


I really hope that’s sarcasm.


----------



## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Miggmo said:


> I'm too controlling?? I gave her money, took her and her mom to the airport at 4 in the morning... Told her to be careful and have fun.. And I get screwed. And now on top of that I'm controlling?


Simmer down Miggmo. If it wasn't sarcasm, you can't let every fool out there get under your skin  I'm still curious why she's come home and tell you this crap when she could have simply kept her mouth shut.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> @Miggmo Was it cheating? Well, no. Not really.


 You ask “Was it cheating” and then say “Well, no. Not really.” With all due respect it absolutely was cheating. You do not need to prove intercourse to call it cheating. Cheating is when you break your romantic relationship boundaries, and she definitely did that.


----------



## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

VladDracul said:


> Simmer down Miggmo. If it wasn't sarcasm, you can't let every fool out there get under your skin  * I'm still curious why she's come home and tell you this crap when she could have simply kept her mouth shut.*


C'mon Vlad, you know the answer to that she was scared it would eventually get out. With a Mom that would encourage such behavior, you could bet that she would spill the beans at the first argument she has with her daughter. Odds are excellent that she minimized the hell out of her story as well. Tip of the iceberg stuff.
@Miggmo,


> Was it cheating?


Would she do it in front of you?


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

TRy said:


> You ask “Was it cheating” and then say “Well, no. Not really.” With all due respect it absolutely was cheating. You do not need to prove intercourse to call it cheating. Cheating is when you break your romantic relationship boundaries, and she definitely did that.


It was part of cheating. Sort of the foreplay of cheating, if you will.


----------



## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

I could almost understand if she did this after the monotony of a 20-year marriage. But she's at a point in her life where she should be completely infatuated with you, devoted to you, and thrilled by the prospect of marrying you. But instead she's letting a stranger feel her up. Imagine how she'll be in 5 years? 10 years? 

Break off this engagement. Try to find out what really happened. See how she reacts when you suggest a polygraph.


----------



## 241happyhour (Jan 31, 2011)

I can 100% guarantee there is more to this story. Delay/cancel until she comes clean.


----------



## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

She most likely confessed to the lesser crime of allowing herself to be groped than allowing herself to be fu...cked. Either way she has minimised what she did. That much i can guarantee you.


----------



## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

First off, I am sorry you are going through this during what should be one of the happiest times of your life.

IMO, women who are in a committed relationship have no business dancing with other men. ESPECIALLY IF THEIR MAN IS NOT THERE. (Same applies to men in committed relationships of course.) Women can whine all they want about "well you weren't there" or "it was only dancing" or "you never dance with me." Boo hoooo, too bad! Deal with it! Everyone knows this can cause feelings and temptations. It gives mixed signals to the other person that maybe they have a chance with you. Why take the risk? Ever? It's playing with fire.

Dance with your mom, with your girlfriends, but never with the opposite sex if you are there without your love. I remember vividly dancing when I was single and what the men said and did. I don't understand people putting themselves in a situation where they are much more likely to get touched, groped, kissed etc. To me, that shows no true commitment. 

At this point, she shouldn't even be able to think about anybody but you. She should supposedly be insanely in love right before her wedding. Plus, she let him do multiple things to her and let it get to a point that her signals were strong enough that he thought he had a shot at a kiss. BARF! If she was loyal to you, she not only would have never allowed herself into this situation and secondly IF someone touched her, the first second it happened they should have known it better NEVER happen again. The last guy that was hitting on me while my H was visiting with another couple, I simply told him..."I'm married, and if you are still here when he comes back, he will beat the crap out of you." You think he got a signal he could touch me?? No. But your finances dance buddy sure did. So completely immoral.

Sorry, but I don't get it. I would never marry this person. NEVER. Sorry you are here, but we can help.


----------



## smi11ie (Apr 21, 2016)

Call off the engagement. You should change her status from fiance to “friends with benifits”. My guess is that it was a heavy make out sesh.


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Miggmo said:


> I need some advice.. I just found out my fiance who I'm supposed to marry next month, not only danced with another man but he touched her breasts and behind and she let him. My fiance went on vacation out of the country with her mother and they went to a club, however she had told me they went to a restaurant.. I had a feeling something was wrong.. Once she got back I asked her if she went to the club and she confessed.. I'm heartbroken I'm supposed to be marrying her. She also says this is not cheating but admits it's wrong.. Can someone give their opinion?? Thank you for your time..


It’s cheating. 

You must feel so special, here the two of you are in the honeymoon of your relationship and she is letting another man touch her. 

She must really be in love with you. Well I guess not. 

Best advice I can give is to call off the wedding and to think about your situation. Take a break from her and clear your head. She not only cheated but hid it from you by lying about it. Can you really trust her after this?

There are several guys in your shoes that went ahead and forgave and married the girl. Only to have her cheat again once married.


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Miggmo said:


> I'm too controlling?? I gave her money, took her and her mom to the airport at 4 in the morning... Told her to be careful and have fun.. And I get screwed. And now on top of that I'm controlling?


No your not. But the one that said that you are thinks just like your fiancé. She just wants you to get over it right.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

@Miggmo: Another thing to consider. She either felt comfortable disrespecting you with this other man in front of her mother, or her mother was not there meaning that she was out bar hopping on her own. I am not sure which one is worse, but in both cases she is not good marriage material.


----------



## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

K Billy Michael said:


> You are way too controlling. She probably had a few drinks and had little choice in the matter.
> Get over it.


Sorry.....but this is actually an OM’s view/attitude....

I wish I had a dollar for every time I have heard a sleazy player in a bar/club throw the ...‘Your H/BF is too controlling.....loosen up and enjoy yourself a little’... at a woman who has told them they are NOT single.....

Those with good boundaries tell the turd to screw himself......

Unfortunately, for some reason..... others are either tempted or even (as screwy as it sounds) guilted into letting the dirtbag continue to hang around....

OM, of course, then continues to ply the W/GF with as much alcohol as he can, knowing that p*ss poor decisionmaking will build and grow with every drink. 

Now....every guy here knows that not ALL men out in a social place are scum like this.....but EVERY player POS is.

I am not saying this poster is one of these guys.....but I do think he needs to think about what he is actually advising before he tells a BH/BBF to ‘get over it’.


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Miggmo,

what you have here is a case where she clearly has some boundary issues, you also have someone who cares for you only in so far she gets to enjoy herself at your expense, and also proven she is not trustworthy out without you. those alone suggest that you should delay the wedding at the very least.


----------



## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

How many times have we seen someone confess to actually what happened.....

Oh, yeah, that would be never. 

OP, odds are that she screwed the guy, no way to be positive, but those are the odds. 

If they say they kissed, then it was oral, if they say it was oral, with was wild monkey sex. 

You need to lose this woman, or in a year you will be back here telling us how you now know the truth, that she screwed the guy the whole trip...


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I hear a lot about bachelorette trips these days where the bride-to-be feels it is a hall pass last chance to get naked with strangers. Morals have definitely changed in the last decade.


----------



## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

It could have been a "one last fling" as they say. The troubling phrase is, "and she let him". That speaks volumes because in womanese, it means, "It felt good so I let him continue". If I'd been in the club and was watching this thing with the daughter, I'd tried to get the mother on the dance floor for a little "dirty dancing" with her. Like someone said, they a probably cut from the same cloth.


----------



## Tito Santana (Jul 9, 2015)

Op, you asked for Advice.

Advice====> Don't marry this woman. 

Simple as that. She's already lying and hiding things from you. There is assuredly more to the story than just what she told you. She just gave you a little bit to try to assuage her guilty conscience. She said she doesn't think another man touching her lady parts is cheating. WTF is that? Run away and be glad she showed you her true self before getting married.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Unless we can some how uncover evidence that this went any further than what she is confessing to, let's assume this was just some dance floor groping and did not go any further. 

I think the real issue to exam here is is she a clubber and a partier in general. 

If this she goes out clubbing and shakes her booty on some that's feeling her up when she is with her mother - what does/will she do when she is out on a GNO with her young, single friends?

I think this is something that calls for a closer look at the big picture. 

What Elegirl said a few pages back is true - this is simply the kind of stuff that goes on in dance clubs. It may not get the stamp of approval from the Vatican but it is a fact of life that people often touch and grind and grope on each other when out clubbing and guys will always try to score what they can. And they will do that even if the women are not actively encouraging it. 

Yes we all want our partners to become enraged and throat punch any person that flirts or moves on them and we want them to become indignant and declare their undying love and devotion to us and then throw poop at whoever made a move towards them. 

...... but we do also need to live in the real world. 

If there is nothing to indicate she actually went out behind the dumpster and deep throated his tongue and nothing to indicate that this was anything other than what has been described - then we need to take a look at the bigger picture of her general behavior and character. 

- is she a clubber and a partier? Is she a flirt? does she drink to excess and indulge in impulsive and irresponsible behavior? Does she go along with the crowd she is in even when that crowd is engaging in risking and inappropriate behavior? 

Is she entitled and feels that rules and codes of conduct do not apply to her? Does she always have an excuse and self-justification for engaging in inappropriate behavior?

These are all indicators of character and will tell you far more about a person than the fact someone touched her butt in a dance club. 

If she is a self-centered, entitled person for whom rules do not apply to, and if she is flirty and a party girl that goes out with single chicks and drinks to excess and flirts up guys and grinds her booty up against them for attention and to get them worked up to stroke her ego - it's simply a matter of time before she is blowing them in bathroom or the parking lot. That's just the nature of that beast. 

But if she is not those things at all and she just happened to be in an environment one time where people get a little loose and some guy came on inappropriately strong and she didn't encourage it or go along with it - it may be throwing the baby out with the bath water to dump her over this one incident. 

I think the key question here is, is this a one-off occurrence that is out of character for her entirely? Or is this simply one of laundry list of red flags and behaviors that show a pattern of entitlement, selfishness, impulsivity, irresponsibility and lack of following appropriate behavior for someone in an exclusive relationship?


----------



## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

She did this in front of her mother.
Ask yourself this simple question.

How far would she have gone if 
mommy wasn't there?

I would at least postpone the wedding
and take time to think about things.You are
not even married yet and she has issues.


----------



## honestman1984 (May 26, 2018)

Man so she wants to marry you... it depends on what you can or cannot except about her.. I am coming to realize society is so about being self absorbed love yourself first. Well if that's the case than none of us truly love because we expect people to bend and change for us. It now comes down to if you can except the way she is and if she trusts you enough to talk about why she feels the need to let that happen.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

If she truly felt that this behavior is not cheating, then she does not value her body.
Apparently, it is for her pleasure and other's pleasure.

Sharing it has become 'habit'. No big deal.
This habit will not change.


----------



## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Damn... Given a Crystal Ball and not going to use it!

Bail out like yesterday.

BTW, she is lying.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

First problem is she started off lying about it. Second problem is she let a guy grope her. Let’s say she was drunk and things just got out of hand. Was her mother really in the club too? How old is she?

You knew something was wrong. Most cheaters would have concealed this easily. Obviously, you picked up on her guilt and kept at it until she confessed to the groping. Would most women feel that guilty over some creep taking advantage during a dance? How hard was it to get her to confess?

You’re talking about a life changing situation. The only way I would marry her is if she passed a polygraph. Better three or four hundred dollars now than alimony later. Plus, like someone else suggested, take a poll among your friends, especially among the girls. They may know more and assume you do and you are fine with it.


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

i think he is just another guy who will buy into everything she says....the marriage will go on, and he will bury his head up his butt and she will cheat again and he will just vent but keep taking it because like it or not internally he believes he will never find someone to love him again....sadly he has a bizarre why of interpreting love.


----------



## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

Come on guys. 

"What happens in Turks and Caicos, stays in Turks and Caicos."


----------



## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

I only see three posts from the OP and limited info, I really can't offer an opinion as to if what she did was egregious or not, or if he should move forward or not. Men can be pretty darn aggressive, and most that are aggressive don't ask for permission. People try all sorts of things in night clubs without permission, especially groping, and often try to steal kisses as well. I don't think she boinked the guy. If the OP uses this as a teaching moment I don't see why they can't get past it.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Is there a five-second rule for this?

What made her tell you about what happened anyway?


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Miggmo said:


> I'm too controlling?? I gave her money, took her and her mom to the airport at 4 in the morning... Told her to be careful and have fun.. And I get screwed. And now on top of that I'm controlling?


No. You're a man expecting his fiancée to be loyal to him while apart. 

Let me ask you, was her mom enjoying male attention too on this trip? Have you asked her that? One reason many single women vacation in the Caribbean is to sample the delights of well-endowed island boys. Not all women do this, but many do. There is an entire industry on those islands supporting married and single women looking for extracurricular fun with beach studs outside their relationships. 

Engagement is a job interview... a time for your fiancée to show you the kind of wife and lifelong partner she is going to be. Well...she has shown you what kind of person she is, and what she thinks of marriage. So your decision now is to bump her off the list and move on to the next applicant...or spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder for the next likely lad to come along and do more than just dirty-dance with her.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

TRy said:


> @Miggmo: Another thing to consider. She either felt comfortable disrespecting you with this other man in front of her mother, or her mother was not there meaning that she was out bar hopping on her own. I am not sure which one is worse, but in both cases she is not good marriage material.


Her mom was most likely out sampling the local male delicacies...or right there with her doing the same thing.


----------



## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

bandit.45 said:


> There is an entire industry on those islands supporting married and single women looking for extracurricular fun with beach studs outside their relationships.


It should be noted that U.S. officials, cruise lines and travel agencies recommend tourists take precautions and realize this is not an region to go off exploring on your own. Although Turks and Caicos are considered the safest married and single women may discover they will be giving it up whether they want to or not.


----------



## Real talk (Apr 13, 2017)

You're being trickle truthed


----------



## ILoveSparkles (Oct 28, 2013)

Rubix Cubed said:


> C'mon Vlad, you know the answer to that she was scared it would eventually get out. With a Mom that would encourage such behavior, you could bet that she would spill the beans at the first argument she has with her daughter. Odds are excellent that she minimized the hell out of her story as well. Tip of the iceberg stuff.



My thought is that she told a friend about this "dance" and it got leaked from there to other people. Perhaps someone said he/she would tell her fiance so she's trying to do damage control.


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Miggmo

Deep down I think you know what to do, you know this because your gut has already told you. She lied, but it’s not cheating, so why lie? So it starts as a restaurant, becomes club, then he touched her, it’s not cheating, then he asked for a kiss, she shuts him down. Is that what you believe? How heroic of her to not kiss him but allow him to grope her. If she let him grope her I’m sure that kiss happened too. Then I’d put good money on it going much farther. Polygraph, she refuses dump her. Also, only tell her a day before the polygraph, don’t let her give excuses not to. After you tell her she has to take a polygraph, that any new information will cause the end of the relationship. She will lie and you need the polygraph to get some of the truth. Good luck.


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Where is the OP ? Only 2 posts on this thread.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Middle of Everything said:


> Come on guys.
> 
> "What happens in Turks and Caicos, stays in Turks and Caicos."


Yes, but it does not 'stay' there. 
It sometimes follows them home. 

Sometime as a memory. One savored, one relished
Sometimes as an imprinted memory, now an acceptable, an OK memory. A new learned behavior.

Sometimes it follows them home. 
Sometimes it requires a series of needle injections in the rump to get rid of it. 

Hands on training is not always a good idea. 
Sometimes it is better to see the video.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

SunCMars said:


> Yes, but it does not 'stay' there.
> It sometimes follows them home.
> 
> Sometime as a memory. One savored, one relished
> ...


April's air stirs in 

Willow-leaves...a butterfly

Floats and balances


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

bandit.45 said:


> April's air stirs in
> 
> Willow-leaves...a butterfly
> 
> Floats and balances


Keep it up....
Soon you will surpass me.
You will fill the cup.

But, only when it is up.
Don't let us down.
Don't let her down, Pup.


----------



## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

I don't really even need anymore details than "fiance" and "touched her sexually". If she didn't rebuff the touching immediately and wasn't outraged then do not marry this woman or you'll be in my office (divorce lawyer) soon.


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Yes, yes .... but where (oh where) is the OP?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

OP has clearly left the building so I've closed the thread.


----------

