# Married young, Changed a LOT



## Hello_Im_Maddie (May 8, 2014)

Hi, this is my first topic on this forum. 

My situation seems to be somewhat unique...

I got engaged at 18 to a best friend, married at 23 and now have been married for 2 and a half years. 

However, when I met my husband, I was a Sunni Muslim, I was traditional and I wanted nothing more than to be by his side. I was also Straight (in terms of behavior, but truly I was bisexual).


Then a year and a half ago, I went through what could only be described as a spiritual crisis. I doubted everything in Islam, even though being Quranist at that time for a year before that had strengthened my faith. 

I secretly stopped believing in Islam. There were too many factors in why I did so, so I will not argue them here. 

I was bound by Islam my entire life and finally it was unraveling, it was so liberating and stress reducing. All the things I wanted to be before.. All the things I couldn't do.. Now I finally could. There was no more fear. No more obligation. 

That's when the homosexual thoughts/urges/dreams began flooding in. 

I didn't think much of it until a few months later when they wouldn't go away. They intensified, But with something that never happened before: I was losing attraction towards men. Immensely. 

Now its like i regret getting married early before I ever acquired independence in order to figure myself out first. 

I feel like Elizabeth in Eat Pray Love and I just want to slip out the back door and runnnnn. 

But how could I? I love him... And I don't want to hurt him. But I don't want to live someone else's life either. I can finally pursue my dreams and explore myself now for the first time. It feels like I'm trying so hard not to take off, but these engines inside me are unrelenting. 

Today he told me he thinks im just confused and not actually gay/bisexual (mostly women). I was so shocked. After everything we have been through the past year, the lack of intimacy, the making out with a girl he knew about (he knew and agreed I should experiment a bit), my complete avoidance of sex with him, my slight disgust even when he touches... 

It breaks my heart. I was so in love with him and so hopeful for our future together, but now... Now I don't know. 

I can't stop fantasizing about my independence. Of being on my own. 

I also can't stop dreaming about having a girlfriend in the future. A wife even. 

I don't want to have sex with men ever again. Or date a man. 

I want to tell him im not confused.. But I don't have it in me to break him. 

At the same time, of course, I fear I would regret leaving him one day. 

He keeps makong long term plans, and I just tear up silently whenever I hear about em or about how much he loves me... Im just so torn...


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

The only thing you can do is be truthful with him and yourself.

Don't live a life you don't want to make someone else happy. In the long run if you aren't happy with men and you stay with him he will still end up unhappy.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you still enjoyed sex with him, it might make sense for you to stay in your marriage. After all sex is just sex, it does not matter who it's with. Married people are expected to not cheat. So just don't have sex outside the marriage. 

But in your case, you don't want sex with your husband. It does not matter if you now want sex with another man or a woman. You don't want sex with your husband.

So... I think you need to let him go so that he can find a woman who can love him and satisfy him.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

If you truly feel this way, I think it'd be kinder to end the marriage rather than drag it out for years and both of you be miserable. It will hurt him of course, but you should sit down and let him know how you see your future together, and how you see it apart.


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## Hello_Im_Maddie (May 8, 2014)

Yes I agree I should end the marriage. We haven't just become more incompatible sexually (before the 'switch' we still had problems), but spiritually as well. I also don't want to live in this country, Egypt, I want to go back to America. I also realized that I don't want kids. Especially here, with him and his family. 

I'm still in college though. But I really want to drop out. So I'm gonna get a decent job and then decide wether to make the move or not. 

It just hurts because i considered us soulmates.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you have family in American who can help you get back here? Then you can go to school here and find a job here.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Hello_Im_Maddie said:


> Yes I agree I should end the marriage. We haven't just become more incompatible sexually (before the 'switch' we still had problems), but spiritually as well. I also don't want to live in this country, Egypt, I want to go back to America. I also realized that I don't want kids. Especially here, with him and his family.
> 
> *I'm still in college though. But I really want to drop out. So I'm gonna get a decent job and then decide wether to make the move or not. *
> 
> It just hurts because i considered us soulmates.



How portable is your education in Egypt to North America, especially USA where you want to be?


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## Hello_Im_Maddie (May 8, 2014)

*Re: Re: Married young, Changed a LOT*



EleGirl said:


> Do you have family in American who can help you get back here? Then you can go to school here and find a job here.


Yes my parents and brothers live in Texas, but if I left, I would rather split rent with someone. 

My hubby said that of we ever broke up, he would let me have our apartment, which is worth 85-100,000 USD if sold. I thought about using that money as start up money to get my life together in America.

I feel so guilty about taking that though. His father paid for everything.. N then I just sell it, take the money and leave? What a ***** lol. 

Im not sure if I want to finish college though. Im so over that. I already know what I need to know and I have talent, as im my teachers favorite student and am often called in for projects at the Uni. I major in Broadcasting. 

I wont finish my education unless I hit a wall and can absolutely get 0 jobs. But im not going to wait two more years to find out. I wanna make a living NOW. Im tired of waiting..im 25 and I just want to work. If i go back to school i will strangle myself. 

Bleh...


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## Hello_Im_Maddie (May 8, 2014)

*Re: Re: Married young, Changed a LOT*



aug said:


> How portable is your education in Egypt to North America, especially USA where you want to be?


Well it was transferable until last semester when my gpa got sqaushed below 2.0 . And universities only accept 2.0 and above. 

Thought about transferring to community college at least. And just get an associates degree in broadcasting. Thats IF I really need to. And I don't want to anyway.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Maddie, if you can move back home to America, do it.  If it feels wrong to sell the apartment, then don't, just leave and let him have the money. You are young enough to start college in America as well as the life you wish to have. It's hard but it can be done.

The longer you drag this out, the worse it will be for you and your husband. Especially if you got pregnant and had kids with him knowing what you know about yourself now.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

From what you have written, your husband seems to be a nice guy. He may get burnt -- but that's a lesson he needs to learn.

I suppose the same goes for you. You found an alternate side of life that you like and want to pursue.

You have difficult choices ahead of you. Life is all about choices and learning from them.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I don't think it would be fare for you to take all of the money from the house his father bought. That's basically your husband's inheritance.

Now if your husband and/or his family are worth millions then maybe it's chump change to them. But in most cases it's just not right to marry someone for a short time and then take everything they have.


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## Hello_Im_Maddie (May 8, 2014)

*Re: Re: Married young, Changed a LOT*



EleGirl said:


> I don't think it would be fare for you to take all of the money from the house his father bought. That's basically your husband's inheritance.
> 
> Now if your husband and/or his family are worth millions then maybe it's chump change to them. But in most cases it's just not right to marry someone for a short time and then take everything they have.


I agree! But he is the one who offered it to me. I never dreamed of it. 

Either way, there is no telling if his actions match his words when the actual separation occurs. And i wouldn't blame him... He deserves so much more. And so do I.


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## Hello_Im_Maddie (May 8, 2014)

Ugh.. I'm so scared im ruining what used to be a perfect relationship. I love him.. 

Im scared I will regret ending this. I don't want to feel stupid for giving up on us when the going got tough.. Real tough. 

What if I'm not really gay? What if this whole time my body has been decieving me.. 

So many questions, so many uncertainties...


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Hello_Im_Maddie said:


> Ugh.. I'm so scared im ruining what used to be a perfect relationship. I love him..
> 
> Im scared I will regret ending this. I don't want to feel stupid for giving up on us when the going got tough.. Real tough.
> 
> ...


If you had sexual feeling for him before and enjoyed your sex life, you could very well change your feelings again and find that you lose your attraction for women. Be very careful about giving up someone you love for something that seems exciting and new now, but eventually will be as old and normal as your life has been.
You already know that you have exceptionally loving and patient husband now. If you leave him for what seems to be greener grass, you may find that it is not so great after all.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening Hello_I'm_maddie
You are not doing someone a favor by staying in a marriage if you are not, and will not be happy. Tough as it is, it is better for you to leave and let both of you find someone you are happy with.

Can you reasonably leave- socially and economically?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

At this point, your husband is not trying to get you to leave or to divorce you. I agree that it is not fair to withhold sex from him, but if he is okay staying with you while you figure this out and things are otherwise good, it may be better to do some more soul searching and growing as a person before you make any major decisions. Right now you are in a state of huge change in your life. Making major decisions right now might not be the best option, as long as your husband is okay with it and you are treating him with the love that you have told us you have for him.
People change all the time. I am certainly not the same as I was at your age. I'm not the same as I was even 3 years ago and I'm 50! I hope to continue to grow and change until I die.


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## Makel01 (Aug 20, 2014)

Hi,
So sorry to hear you are so confused, it must be very challenging! I too met when very young (17) and married at 20. It is difficult because you need to know who you are first or have the room within your marriage for both people to grow and develop if they married so young. 

I was just thinking about your concerns and how you need space but don't want to hurt your husband in case you make a mistake. I'm not sure it has to be so black and white as stay or go yet. Just wondering if you would consider separating for a time, say 3-6 months for you to take time out and sort out your feelings/direction., especially since you sound very torn about your own self direction. That way you are still committed to working it out from a distance but not yet making such a final decision such as divorce (although people have remarried each other). You have a lot to think through and it sounds like it would be difficult to do so in the same home. Your husband sounds like he is patient too so he may agree. Very challenging for you both.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Hello Maddie,

I encourage you to be mindful of any potentially life threatening implications if you decide to out yourself as an apostate and or express your desire to leave your husband.

I am not suggesting that you will necessarily be in any danger if you out yourself. I just encourage you to be cognisant of the risks which are sometimes very real, when associated with such actions within the community you reside.

UN Division for the Advancement of Women, Honour Killing in Egypt pdf.

Egypt's rise in honor killings sparks regional debate.

The lie behind mass 'suicides' of Egypt's young women (The Independent).

All the best.


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## Hello_Im_Maddie (May 8, 2014)

*Re: Re: Married young, Changed a LOT*



Personal said:


> Hello Maddie,
> 
> I encourage you to be mindful of any potentially life threatening implications if you decide to out yourself as an apostate and or express your desire to leave your husband.
> 
> ...


Thank you, 

I live in a higher class part of society here though, where people are less self dictated by religion, so I should be fine. The gay thing though.. No. 

Obviously I am not out as an apostate nor a bisexual/lesbian. Only to my husband and American best friend. 

Honor killings are mostly heard of in poverty striken areas or upper egypt.


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## justaguy123 (Aug 20, 2014)

Best of luck. The depraved nature that women are treated in some of these parts of the world are beyond barbaric. I'm glad you are in a more educated / enlightened part of the society.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I'm just thankful you didn't bring kids into this mess. Divorce now before you do. Go do what you need in life and let him find a wife and have a family. Do this now before it's too late


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## Hello_Im_Maddie (May 8, 2014)

I'm considering everything everyone said. I appreciate the advice and support. Thank you, sincerely


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Hello_Im_Maddie said:


> I'm considering everything everyone said. I appreciate the advice and support. Thank you, sincerely


Women have sexual fluidity, so just because you think you want to do girls right now doesn't necessarily mean that will always be the case. After all, you haven't tried it yet, have you?

Did I understand you to say that your H and your best friend know you want to try sex with women?

Sometimes, certain Western guys get it in their heads they want to see their wives get banged by other men. They obsess about and hound their wives to do it for years, then when it finally happens, it's not so great as they imagined and they get all bent out of shape. That might be the way it works out for you and girls.


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## Hello_Im_Maddie (May 8, 2014)

*Re: Re: Married young, Changed a LOT*



Machiavelli said:


> Women have sexual fluidity, so just because you think you want to do girls right now doesn't necessarily mean that will always be the case. After all, you haven't tried it yet, have you?
> 
> Did I understand you to say that your H and your best friend know you want to try sex with women?
> 
> Sometimes, certain Western guys get it in their heads they want to see their wives get banged by other men. They obsess about and hound their wives to do it for years, then when it finally happens, it's not so great as they imagined and they get all bent out of shape. That might be the way it works out for you and girls.


I've made out with a girl after my husband encouraged me to experiment to see how I feel. And it was.. Amazing. 

True its not sex, but I can't bring myself to do it while I am still with him.
Because I know I'm going to enjoy it and that will just hurt him more. 

Plus I'm not the one night stand kind of person. 

It's kind of like.. You know you want to have sex with the opposite sex, even before having it. You just do. That's how I feel.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Hello_Im_Maddie said:


> I've made out with a girl after *my husband encouraged me to experiment* to see how I feel.


I'm shocked...Shocked.


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## Hello_Im_Maddie (May 8, 2014)

*Re: Re: Married young, Changed a LOT*



Machiavelli said:


> I'm shocked...Shocked.


He wasn't the only one. All my friends did too. I have a friend who went through the same sexual identity crisis when she was married. Now she is divorced and living the gay life. 

He was upset when he realized I liked it. It wasn't like what you think at all.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Hello_Im_Maddie said:


> He wasn't the only one. All my friends did too. I have a friend who went through the same sexual identity crisis when she was married. Now she is divorced and living the gay life.
> 
> He was upset when he realized I liked it. It wasn't like what you think at all.


Well, he's not an American. However, like I said, women have sexual fluidity.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

Hello_Im_Maddie said:


> I've made out with a girl after my husband encouraged me to experiment to see how I feel. And it was.. Amazing.


it sounds like your husband is a really great guy.

How about you stay with him, have ocassional sex to keep him happy, but find a woman to live with the two of you also. You can have lesbian sex with her to your heart's content. If she is Bisexual, your husband can partake also.

The point: just as you suddenly gave up on Islam....you might just as suddenly discover that you are NOT lesbian. Maybe it is just a kinky fantasy of yours, and the reality will not live up to your expectations.

If that happens...you still have your husband, and can recommit to him.


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## Hello_Im_Maddie (May 8, 2014)

*Re: Re: Married young, Changed a LOT*



murphy5 said:


> it sounds like your husband is a really great guy.
> 
> How about you stay with him, have ocassional sex to keep him happy, but find a woman to live with the two of you also. You can have lesbian sex with her to your heart's content. If she is Bisexual, your husband can partake also.
> 
> ...


I've considered all this before. My friends even tell me not to leave until I know for sure that I am gay. But I can't bring myself to do that. I need to be emotionally available. I don't do robot sex... And even if he approves, I still would feel immensely guilty. Just making out with that girl put me on a rollercoaster of emotions and guilt. And he was hurt to realize I liked it. He had hoped I wouldn't. 

About the girl on the side idea.. That's not going to work for us. He's not into that. Nor is he much into regular sex, let alone a threesome.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

Hello_Im_Maddie said:


> I've considered all this before. My friends even tell me not to leave until I know for sure that I am gay. But I can't bring myself to do that. I need to be emotionally available. I don't do robot sex... And even if he approves, I still would feel immensely guilty. Just making out with that girl put me on a rollercoaster of emotions and guilt. And he was hurt to realize I liked it. He had hoped I wouldn't.
> 
> About the girl on the side idea.. That's not going to work for us. He's not into that. Nor is he much into regular sex, let alone a threesome.


Sounds like you already have your answer. Just do it. Cut him loose. He deserves to find someone who wants to be "Only" with him...


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