# Lost "custody" to friends...



## swirly_possum (Mar 16, 2018)

Hi there,

I'll try to keep the lead-up to the separation short so I can get to the point quicker. A year ago, I called off our wedding and I separated from my ex-fiance. We realized we expected different things from a marriage and he wanted to move back to Asia when I didn't want to. On top of that, we came clean to each other about some things: I was having feelings for someone else and he admitted that he called up and visited an escort after our engagement. I understand we're both at fault here, but I apologized to him, yet he refused to admit that he did anything wrong because what he did was, and I quote, "only out of curiosity." That, and some other incidents that followed (like calling MY mom behind my back to tell her we called off the wedding), had showed me just how big of an ******* he actually is. I regret nothing. I'm more than happy with my current boyfriend who loves me completely and who I love completely.

My ex got the apartment that we bought together. Yes, he bought me out but not even for a fair price. He only paid me back my half of the down payment when it should've been what the market value was at the time. I've also helped him get his permanent residence which will help with his citizenship application. I can let go of all that. What's bothering me is that he also took our friends, some of them were my friends to begin with... A couple of them messaged me and asked how I was doing after the separation but that was it. And now he's dating someone out of that group, which I saw coming from a mile away. As wonderful as my boyfriend is, it sometimes bother me that I seem to not have any friends. I work full time and I have awesome coworkers but most of them have families or a big age difference. I do have close friends but they live across the globe from me. I guess my question is, if I can get pass the fact that my ex is dating my friend, should I bother calling them up and see if we can all hang out again?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Why have you given up your friends? HE doesn't own them -- they are free to do things with you (and NOT include him). Especially the folks who pinged you after the separation.

YOU should contact them and ask them to do something -- obviously NOT with him/person he is dating. You can do things with just one or two couples and NOT the whole group to avoid him.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

If you want to be friends w/ them, call them up.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

swirly_possum said:


> What's bothering me is that he also took our friends, some of them were my friends to begin with...


He can't "take" friends, he can only befriend them, and then only w/ their cooperation.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

If they were YOUR friends to begin with, and they are choosing to stay friends with him over you... then they were NOT your real friends. Stop giving them space in your head and move on to find some real ones.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

As a divorcee myself, however the "friends" might choose, I would ensure that with whomever you remain friends that they have no contact with your ex. This is, of course, not something tht you can make them do. But when they do choose to have it both ways, just cut them off. 

You don't want your ex to have a direct pipeline to your life. andyou don't want the drama of finding out wht you missed because your ex "has the right of first refusal." 

Divorced at age 40, I moved on, made friends on my own and have not looked back.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

You were engaged and allowed yourself to develop feelings for someone else. He was engaged and 'visited' a hooker. I'm sure just to talk. 

Those are perfect reasons to call off a wedding. Good. 

Make new friends and move on.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Contact the friends you like, letting them know that you still value their friendship. Do not go out of your way 'at first' but include them in any of your Facebook or other postings.

Be cheerful around them. If they ask you about your' ex, just play it off as 'we moved on'.

No friends want to be involved in anyone else's drama.

I would host a party or a Barby Cue this summer and invite all but those who you dislike. Show them that you have not changed at all.

Friends are gold that need buffing, are flowers that need water and fertilizer. Do not let anyone downplay their importance. The older you get the harder friends are to make.

Keeping friends is worth the effort. Usually!

Good friends stay good friends. Mediocre friends can go either way, or far away. 
Respect people, and they will respect you.





[THM]- THRD


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

3Xnocharm said:


> If they were YOUR friends to begin with, and they are choosing to *stay friends with him over you*... then they were NOT your real friends. Stop giving them space in your head and move on to find some real ones.


It isn't clear to me anyone is being chosen over anyone else. It seems to me she isn't contacting her old friends.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

NextTimeAround said:


> As a divorcee myself, however the "friends" might choose, *I would ensure that with whomever you remain friends that they have no contact with your ex. * This is, of course, not something tht you can make them do. But when they do choose to have it both ways, just cut them off. [
> 
> You don't want your ex to have a direct pipeline to your life. andyou don't want the drama of finding out wht you missed because your ex "has the right of first refusal."
> 
> Divorced at age 40, I moved on, made friends on my own and have not looked back.


That sounds pretty controlling. I don't ask to veto my friends' relationships, or vice versa.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree with the others who suggest that you just call your old friends and suggest that you do things. Something simple like, "Hey, I've not seen you in a long time, would you like to do lunch?"

If some of them don't want to hang out with you, then you know that they are not your friends anyway.

Does your current boyfriend have friends? Do you do things with them?

I also agree with others that it's time for you to make more friends. Check out the website meetup.com. There should be a lot of different things on there that you can do in your area. These can be thing that you enjoy doing and/or that both you and your new boyfriend enjoy.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

SpinyNorman said:


> That sounds pretty controlling. I don't ask to veto my friends' relationships, or vice versa.


I'm not controlling anyone. I'm making my own choices.

Tell me why I am obligated to remain friends with anyone for any reason.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

NextTimeAround said:


> I'm not controlling anyone. I'm making my own choices.
> 
> Tell me why I am obligated to remain friends with anyone for any reason.


Of course you have the right to de-friend people who don't meet your demands, just as I have the right to deny my spouse sex if she cheers for a team I don't like. But both of us are guilty of controlling behavior. That's all the word means.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

SpinyNorman said:


> Of course you have the right to de-friend people who don't meet your demands,* just as I have the right to deny my spouse sex if she cheers for a team I don't like. *But both of us are guilty of controlling behavior. That's all the word means.


False equivalency. Your point is still not made. but maybe you like drama and are constanyly looking for it. Hence you'll remain friends with anybody who can make your life difficult.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

NextTimeAround said:


> False equivalency. Your point is still not made.


Simply trying to illustrate what the word "controlling" means, since your statements indicate we have different definitions . I would describe it as attempting to influence behavior that really doesn't affect you.



> but maybe you like drama and are constanyly looking for it. Hence you'll remain friends with anybody who can make your life difficult.


No, my friends do not make my life difficult. Nor I do I see how their friendships w/ third parties would make my life difficult.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

NextTimeAround said:


> I'm not controlling anyone. I'm making my own choices.
> 
> Tell me why I am obligated to remain friends with anyone for any reason.


You're not OBLIGATED to do anything. But if you are going to tell friends they cannot be friends with you AND your ex, that is extremely controlling and I assume you'll lose those friends unless they already dislike your ex for their own reasons. The OP is missing her friends and wondering how to get them back, not asking how to piss them off.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

swirly_possum said:


> What's bothering me is that he also took our friends, some of them were my friends to begin with... A couple of them messaged me and asked how I was doing after the separation but that was it. And now he's dating someone out of that group, which I saw coming from a mile away. As wonderful as my boyfriend is, it sometimes bother me that I seem to not have any friends. I work full time and I have awesome coworkers but most of them have families or a big age difference. I do have close friends but they live across the globe from me. I guess my question is, if I can get pass the fact that my ex is dating my friend, should I bother calling them up and see if we can all hang out again?


Have you made any effort to spend time with these freinds and been rebuffed? Or have you just hoped they would continue to include you in things?

It sounds to me like you laid low after the split up where your Ex just didn't skip a beat in hanging out with them and as soon as he started dating one of them, it sort of sealed his position in the group.

This is what I would do:

Reach out to all the friends except your ex and his new GF, and invite them over as someone else suggested. Invite some other people too if there is anyone to invite - coworkers, your BF's friends, etc.

If they decline, understand they may feel uncomfortable now that your ex is dating someone in their group. I totally understand your hurt, especially with the friends that were yours originally, but you may just need to move on and find new friends.

I WOULD NOT recommend hanging out with them and your ex and his new GF unless both you and your new BF is TOTALLY okay with this. I'm in my 50's now and I have 2 close friends from my childhood/highschool, and one of those is also my cousin. Other than that there has been a turnover in friends as I have moved, and especially moved on from relationships. I used to feel really sad about that but now I feel fine about it -- I know I can always make new friends and have really good friendships, and it's okay.

HOW TO MAKE NEW FRIENDS:

1. you can become friends with your BF's friends, but encouraging him to invite them to things with you.

2. What's even better, is to make some new friends together. Find an activity you are both enthusiastic about and start participating in it together. This could be a sport, church, political group, some kind of adult class like a cooking or welding class, yoga classes, any kind of club, etc. Something that will put you around the same people somewhat regularly. Don't go just to find friends, but if you are around the same people with a shared interest frequently, you'll naturally click with some of them, and you can pursue that. If these are other couples, you can invite the female to lunch one-on-one if you're looking for some female friends of "your own."

People *are *busier with work and family as they get older, especially when most people your age have children, but there are still people out there who like to get out and do things and are open to making new friends. You just need to put some effort into it and don't expect it to happen overnight.

Also, don't write off coworkers because of an age difference. One of my very best friends came out of a couple who befriended my ex and me who were 15-20 years our seniors.

Good luck!


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

WorkingWife said:


> You're not OBLIGATED to do anything. But if you are going to tell friends they cannot be friends with you AND your ex, that is extremely controlling and I assume you'll lose those friends unless they already dislike your ex for their own reasons. The OP is missing her friends and wondering how to get them back, not asking how to piss them off.


I didn't say to tell people that remaining friendds with one's ex is dealbreaker. I said that life will be easier when one does that. 

Just because you and Spiny Norman have not had problems with triangulation or that it has happened to you but it was not a big enough problem that you felt the need to identify it, does not mean that it is never a problem.

Heck, a lot of people think that adultery is not a problem either.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

SpinyNorman said:


> Simply trying to illustrate what the word "controlling" means, since your statements indicate we have different definitions . * I would describe it as attempting to influence behavior that really doesn't affect you.*
> 
> 
> No, my friends do not make my life difficult. Nor I do I see how their friendships w/ third parties would make my life difficult.


oh yeah, so what are doing right now?


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

NextTimeAround said:


> I didn't say to tell people that remaining friendds with one's ex is dealbreaker. I said that life will be easier when one does that.
> 
> Just because you and Spiny Norman have not had problems with triangulation or that it has happened to you but it was not a big enough problem that you felt the need to identify it, does not mean that it is never a problem.
> 
> Heck, a lot of people think that adultery is not a problem either.


I apologize, I think I misunderstood you. I thought you said, essentially, to tell the friends to pick between her and her ex, and if they remained friendly with her ex, that she should not be friends with them because word of her life would get back to her ex.

I definitely think that in general it complicates life if you stay in the same social circle as your ex, because even if you are comfortable with it, odds are your new partner won't be for a variety of reasons ranging from jealousy to anger at the ex on your behalf for how they treated you.

With that said I have had situations where it worked out perfectly fine because either my ex, or my new partner's ex was still a friend, and a part of an important group of friends, and there simply was no energy/chemistry there between the former couple and the group of friends was a significant part of the person's life (like college age buddies).


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, call them.


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## blazer prophet (Jun 1, 2019)

swirly_possum said:


> Hi there,
> 
> I'll try to keep the lead-up to the separation short so I can get to the point quicker. A year ago, I called off our wedding and I separated from my ex-fiance. We realized we expected different things from a marriage and he wanted to move back to Asia when I didn't want to. On top of that, we came clean to each other about some things: I was having feelings for someone else and he admitted that he called up and visited an escort after our engagement. I understand we're both at fault here, but I apologized to him, yet he refused to admit that he did anything wrong because what he did was, and I quote, "only out of curiosity." That, and some other incidents that followed (like calling MY mom behind my back to tell her we called off the wedding), had showed me just how big of an ******* he actually is. I regret nothing. I'm more than happy with my current boyfriend who loves me completely and who I love completely.
> 
> My ex got the apartment that we bought together. Yes, he bought me out but not even for a fair price. He only paid me back my half of the down payment when it should've been what the market value was at the time. I've also helped him get his permanent residence which will help with his citizenship application. I can let go of all that. What's bothering me is that he also took our friends, some of them were my friends to begin with... A couple of them messaged me and asked how I was doing after the separation but that was it. And now he's dating someone out of that group, which I saw coming from a mile away. As wonderful as my boyfriend is, it sometimes bother me that I seem to not have any friends. I work full time and I have awesome coworkers but most of them have families or a big age difference. I do have close friends but they live across the globe from me. I guess my question is, if I can get pass the fact that my ex is dating my friend, should I bother calling them up and see if we can all hang out again?


Stay in touch with your friends. If it goes there, just tell them he was shagging prostitutes, and that ended it. They'll understand.


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## swirly_possum (Mar 16, 2018)

This is the OP here.

Thank you everyone for your input. I think everyone is saying that I should call them up, and I will! My ex and I met in college and we made mutual friends together and some of my own friends got mixed in too. A lot of them have moved back to their home country after graduation so there's not a lot of us left. The truth is, when we broke up, I wanted to be alone at first and my ex went to our friends, and that's why he got the jump on that. When I was finally ready to talk to someone, I turned to the one friend I trusted, and he is now my wonderful boyfriend. It's not that he's not enough, he's my everything and more, but sometimes it's just nice to have my own friends. I guess I'm also scared. I was with my ex for 5.5 years so I know him, I bet he DID tell our friends that he met up with an escort, but he probably made what I did sound a lot worse and said I cheated. Even though he did too, he has this absurd idea that he didn't because he was just "curious" and he'll find a way to make it seem like I was more at fault. I overthink, I know. I do a lot of "what if" thinking, and it's because of that fear of the possibility that our friends already pinned me as the villain that's keeping me from calling them.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

swirly_possum said:


> This is the OP here.
> 
> Thank you everyone for your input. I think everyone is saying that I should call them up, and I will! My ex and I met in college and we made mutual friends together and some of my own friends got mixed in too. A lot of them have moved back to their home country after graduation so there's not a lot of us left. The truth is, when we broke up, I wanted to be alone at first and my ex went to our friends, and that's why he got the jump on that. When I was finally ready to talk to someone, I turned to the one friend I trusted, and he is now my wonderful boyfriend. It's not that he's not enough, he's my everything and more, but sometimes it's just nice to have my own friends. I guess I'm also scared. I was with my ex for 5.5 years so I know him, I bet he DID tell our friends that he met up with an escort, but *he probably made what I did sound a lot worse and said I cheated.* Even though he did too, he has this absurd idea that he didn't because he was just "curious" and he'll find a way to make it seem like I was more at fault. I overthink, I know. I do a lot of "what if" thinking, and it's because of that fear of the possibility that our friends already pinned me as the villain that's keeping me from calling them.


If your friends weren't born yesterday, they will have some skepticism when someone tells them how bad their ex is. I wouldn't be too anxious to tell people how your ex screwed up, personally I don't really like to hear peoples' dirt.

Glad you have a great BF but "Man does not live by bread alone", so have friends old and new.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

NextTimeAround said:


> oh yeah, so what are doing right now?


Posting to a website. Duh.

But I am offering advice to people who asked for it, as opposed to pressuring them on something they wanted to remain their own business.


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## Pam (Oct 7, 2010)

Does your ex still plan to move back to Asia? If he does, then he won't be around your friends anymore.


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