# I'm leaving him



## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

I am moving back home and in with my parents. I can't be in this toxic environment anymore. I still wish my marriage will work but he isn't stepping up to the plate and Ive done all I can do. My heart is broken. 

He's not making it easy for me of course. He's blaming me, telling me he loves me and it's me who wants the divorce not him. No, I don't want a marriage where I feel like crap all the time. He doesn't get it. I need to move forward. 15 years done the drain.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Whether it works out or not, this is what you need to move forward.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> I am moving back home and in with my parents. I can't be in this toxic environment anymore. I still wish my marriage will work but he isn't stepping up to the plate and Ive done all I can do. My heart is broken.
> 
> He's not making it easy for me of course. He's blaming me, telling me he loves me and it's me who wants the divorce not him. No, I don't want a marriage where I feel like crap all the time. He doesn't get it. I need to move forward. 15 years done the drain.


This is an unsurprising outcome. I think we could see it even before you could.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

sokillme said:


> This is an unsurprising outcome. I think we could see it even before you could.




I had to give it my everything. And I have.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> I had to give it my everything. And I have.


I think you are terribly lonely. That is your real problem all the other stuff is just tip of the iceberg stuff. I have repeatedly said it to you, you married a person whose job is going to take up most of his young life. 

It's not necessarily over yet, it can be fixed but he hast to fix it, he can't quit his job though so you will still have to deal with it.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I am SO glad you're finally at this place. Don't think of it as 15 years wasted - think of it as 15 years of learning, and now you are far smarter and know what you need and don't need.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Oh, and (((HUGS)))


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

sokillme said:


> I think you are terribly lonely. That is your real problem all the other stuff is just tip of the iceberg stuff. I have repeatedly said it to you, you married a person whose job is going to take up most of his young life.
> 
> 
> 
> It's not necessarily over yet, it can be fixed but he hast to fix it, he can't quit his job though so you will still have to deal with it.




I agree. I'm hoping it can be fixed. I've done everything I could. Now it's time for me to focus on me, surround myself with people who love me. And if he wants to step up to the plate he can, if not then at least I'm already moving forward.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

sokillme said:


> I think you are terribly lonely. That is your real problem all the other stuff is just tip of the iceberg stuff. I have repeatedly said it to you, you married a person whose job is going to take up most of his young life.
> 
> 
> 
> It's not necessarily over yet, it can be fixed but he hast to fix it, he can't quit his job though so you will still have to deal with it.




It's more than being lonely. He has become a jerk. If we get into an argument he doesn't even come home anymore. He sleeps at the hospital. So I'm literally alone all the time. He hasn't been home to sleep here the last 2 nights. Last night I was having a panic attack because I realized our marriage is over, I couldn't breath I was crying so hard. I called him at 11pm and he ignored me call. I texted him and begged him to talk to me, told him I was crying so hard. He said no, we will talk tomorrow. That's when it really hit me. This is such an emotionally abusive marriage.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> It's more than being lonely. He has become a jerk. If we get into an argument he doesn't even come home anymore. He sleeps at the hospital. So I'm literally alone all the time. He hasn't been home to sleep here the last 2 nights. Last night I was having a panic attack because I realized our marriage is over, I couldn't breath I was crying so hard. I called him at 11pm and he ignored me call. I texted him and begged him to talk to me, told him I was crying so hard. He said no, we will talk tomorrow. That's when it really hit me. This is such an emotionally abusive marriage.


Not coming home is a very bad sign. Are you sure there isn't something else going on, it fits the pattern.


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## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> 15 years done the drain.


This is a counterproductive view of failed relationships, IMO. Most relationships are important learning experiences and opportunities for personal development. Don't overlook that!


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

sokillme said:


> Not coming home is a very bad sign. Are you sure there isn't something else going on, it fits the pattern.




Who knows.


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## Síocháin (Mar 11, 2016)

I know this is so hard but you have to take care of you. Him blaming you is what a passive aggressive narcissist does. It's never their fault. As my IC told me, "do not let what he says or does define you". You are better than that and consider the past 15 years a learning and life experience. I am very sorry but a few months from now, you're going to be glad you followed through. Until he becomes self-aware, he will repeat this pattern. You however do not have to. 

Sending (((hugs))) and thinking of you.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Now he's saying let's have a baby it will help us.


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## Síocháin (Mar 11, 2016)

No, no, no, no. He is manipulating you and telling you what you want to hear. PLEASE just follow through with this. The only way you can save your marriage may be to lose it. Do not believe him.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

katiecrna said:


> Now he's saying let's have a baby it will help us.


And you know what the general consensus on TAM about having children in troubled relationships is...

Children are not a commodity to be exchanged for a piece of control - 'stay with me and I will agree to have children'. That says a lot about him. My sisters x used to do this.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> Now he's saying let's have a baby it will help us.


Oh no. He's not dealing with the true issues at hand here. Bringing a child into the marriage in the state that it's in is a recipe for disaster. 

I'm sorry that you're dealing with this. Hugs to you


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Babies never fix flawed marriages. Quite the opposite actually. They bring added stress that only widens the existing cracks further. 

Given that much of your alienation comes from his spending so much time away from home, him suggesting bringing a baby into the situation is rather appalling. Just one more thing he'll expect you to handle all on your own. Bad procedure.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

katiecrna said:


> Now he's saying let's have a baby it will help us.


That's a very dumb thing for a man with his academic background to say. The last thing you need in your life is a baby in an unhappy and lonely marriage.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

He is not healthy, Katie.

You are wise to move on.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

katiecrna said:


> Now he's saying let's have a baby it will help us.


Not just no, but HELL NO. DO NOT fall for this bullcrap. You will be the one stuck raising the kid by yourself because he isnt there. How unfair not only to you, but to the would be child! 

You are doing the right thing by leaving him, dont lose focus on that.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> Now he's saying let's have a baby it will help us.


So instead of the two of you in a dysfunctional relationship it's the three of you. You aren't going to fall for that right?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Steve1000 said:


> That's a very dumb thing for a man with his academic background to say.


Like academics makes people wise. I agree though dumb and probably desperate.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

sokillme said:


> So instead of the two of you in a dysfunctional relationship it's the three of you. You aren't going to fall for that right?




Oh course not. The only thing that will make me change my mind is acknowledging his issues and actively working on them. I need to see action and effort. Which I doubt I will see.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

He's a very handsome cardio-thoracic surgeon, he will be just fine replacing me.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your husband really is desperate if he's throwing the "let's have a baby" card into the mix. If you do, you'll have an unhappy marriage AND a child to cope with. That's obviously not what you want. 

He didn't expect you to say that you were leaving so now he's scrambling. Maybe he will truly wake up and maybe he'll just pretend to in order to get you back. Time will tell. But above all don't agree to having a baby at this point. That's a discussion for a healthy marriage.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

katiecrna said:


> He's a very handsome cardio-thoracic surgeon, he will be just fine replacing me.


Katie. You cannot be "replaced."


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Give him a little time. I think you did the best thing for waking him up.


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## Síocháin (Mar 11, 2016)

When he gets into another relationship, he will have the same behavior. He is NOT self-aware and until he is, he will not change. Don't use the word replace. He is the one losing, not you. It just doesn't feel that way yet. But it will one day.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> He's a very handsome cardio-thoracic surgeon, he will be just fine replacing me.


And if it comes to that point, that women will be by herself just as much as you were. A cardio-thoracic surgeon isn't going to be home sitting at the dinner table, as you know. I'm sorry for you, but you know unless he changes nothing is going to change.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Katie, my daughter was dating a young man from a very wealthy, very influential European family last summer. His grandmother is friends with the queen of his country, his mother with one of the princesses. He took my daughter to the most expensive restaurants in their city, and to his family's chalet in the Alps. 

He is very smart, too. Excellent degree from a top school in Europe. One of the best students in his graduating class, working on starting his own business.

But you know what? He is not a healthy person, deep down. And the more my daughter saw that, the less interested she became. She knew she could not stay with him long term.

Now she is dating a lowly chemical engineering PhD student.  Nowhere close to the wealth, now or ever, that the other young man offered. 

But you know what? She is happy. And someday you will be, too.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

I'm so sorry to hear about this. 

Babies won't fix any marriage issues, in fact you would need to count on him and need his support even more than ever. 

If you both consider reconciliation, I would highly recommend getting someone who can work with you both regarding the communication issues. It doesn't have to be someone specifically from the medical profession, if you are concerned regarding knowing folks. 

I would love to think that he could mature, my husband is almost 40 and I think that he is only starting to get things now. Maybe it takes longer for some people to become emotionally intelligent. It depends on their childhood/upbringing. 

Sent from my F3311 using Tapatalk


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

katiecrna said:


> He's a very handsome cardio-thoracic surgeon, he will be just fine replacing me.


He would need to replace you with a lady who doesn't need either to have plenty of time to spend together with her spouse or at least very high level of quality time. You do need that like many others do including me. Don't forget your own value.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

This loneliness is killing me. All I want is for him to come home, hug me and tell me he loves me and everything will be ok. God I wish I wasn't like this.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

katiecrna said:


> This loneliness is killing me. All I want is for him to come home, hug me and tell me he loves me and everything will be ok. God I wish I wasn't like this.


(((Katie)))

Are you getting some support from your family and friends?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> Now he's saying let's have a baby it will help us.


Uh, no.

It will help HIM. It will keep you occupied. Off his back...or so he thinks.

He is not taking you serious. Not if he said this {baby suggestion}. What a flippant thing to say to a wife that is ready to walk. 

That said...that is the only good thing that could ever come out of him.

He can create a beautiful life in your womb...but not a thing in your life has he made beautiful.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

katiecrna said:


> This loneliness is killing me. All I want is for him to come home, hug me and tell me he loves me and everything will be ok. God I wish I wasn't like this.


 I know it sounds backwards, but you will not be lonely once you are free of him. There is nothing more soul sucking then being lonely in a marriage. Being on your own is not the same as being lonely.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> This loneliness is killing me. All I want is for him to come home, hug me and tell me he loves me and everything will be ok. God I wish I wasn't like this.


When I first moved to Boston I bought an apt in a block near a major hospital,really upmarket expensive place.At least half of the apts were occupied by staff from the hospital.I got to know most of them because one of my roommates was a nurse and it was an experience I have never forgotten.
You are dealing with the most narcissistic type of person there is.The male surgeon.The ego and god complex of these guys is staggering and I am speaking from experience.You could be discussing anything from football to nuclear physics and as far as these guys were concerned they knew it all.I am the most easygoing guy in real life that you will ever meet but sometimes even I would get pissed with their egomania.It doesn't matter how much money you have or how many multiples of their salary you earn as far as they are concerned they are right in everything they do and say.And they have nurses hanging on their every word and agreeing with them.
This new behaviour of not coming home at night is rightfully the last straw for you and it's time to draw a line in the sand.You are maybe hoping that moving out will bring him to his senses and I hope it does but don't count on it.
His ego won't let him.
I honestly wish you the very best of luck.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> This loneliness is killing me. All I want is for him to come home, hug me and tell me he loves me and everything will be ok. God I wish I wasn't like this.


katie, when you meet the right man or if your husband changes, this quality will be a delight to him. It's OK to be vulnerable with the right person. Don't be hard on yourself. All of your posts show a thoughtful women who is very pro-active in building a healthy relationship, that is such a great quality. This is what most good men want, but you need a man who is going to make his marriage his top priority. With a partner who is on the same page with that you will have a fine marriage.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

That's because you still love him. Totally normal. 

He feels similar to how you do - but - he has 80+ hours a week of work based distraction.




katiecrna said:


> This loneliness is killing me. All I want is for him to come home, hug me and tell me he loves me and everything will be ok. God I wish I wasn't like this.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> When I first moved to Boston I bought an apt in a block near a major hospital,really upmarket expensive place.At least half of the apts were occupied by staff from the hospital.I got to know most of them because one of my roommates was a nurse and it was an experience I have never forgotten.
> You are dealing with the most narcissistic type of person there is.The male surgeon.The ego and god complex of these guys is staggering and I am speaking from experience.You could be discussing anything from football to nuclear physics and as far as these guys were concerned they knew it all.I am the most easygoing guy in real life that you will ever meet but sometimes even I would get pissed with their egomania.It doesn't matter how much money you have or how many multiples of their salary you earn as far as they are concerned they are right in everything they do and say.And they have nurses hanging on their every word and agreeing with them.
> This new behaviour of not coming home at night is rightfully the last straw for you and it's time to draw a line in the sand.You are maybe hoping that moving out will bring him to his senses and I hope it does but don't count on it.
> His ego won't let him.
> I honestly wish you the very best of luck.


I was trying in a nice way to say some of this. Some stereotypes are often true to some extent. This IS the stereotype for surgeons, besides that their is being away from home at the hospital all the time with a bunch of others away from home, and beds in almost every room. It just seems really hard.

Like marrying a pro athlete hard.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

sokillme said:


> I was trying in a nice way to say some of this. Some stereotypes are often true to some extent. This IS the stereotype for surgeons, besides that their is being away from home at the hospital all the time with a bunch of others away from home, and beds in almost every room. It just seems really hard.
> 
> Like marrying a pro athlete hard.


I have three rules for dating that I never broke (when I was dating)
1.No tattoos.
2.No doctors.
3.No nurses.
Rules two and three came about directly from living in that apt block.I am as open minded as any guy you will ever meet but when it comes to medical staff,no boundaries whatsoever seems to be the rule.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> I have three rules for dating that I never broke (when I was dating)
> 1.No tattoos.
> 2.No doctors.
> 3.No nurses.
> Rules two and three came about directly from living in that apt block.I am as open minded as any guy you will ever meet but when it comes to medical staff,no boundaries whatsoever seems to be the rule.


We all know the first the other two are good to know though. >


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

katiecrna said:


> It's more than being lonely. He has become a jerk. If we get into an argument he doesn't even come home anymore. He sleeps at the hospital. So I'm literally alone all the time. He hasn't been home to sleep here the last 2 nights. Last night I was having a panic attack because I realized our marriage is over, I couldn't breath I was crying so hard. I called him at 11pm and he ignored me call. I texted him and begged him to talk to me, told him I was crying so hard. He said no, we will talk tomorrow. That's when it really hit me. This is such an emotionally abusive marriage.


Yes.

Be well.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

katiecrna said:


> This loneliness is killing me. All I want is for him to come home, hug me and tell me he loves me and everything will be ok. God I wish I wasn't like this.


My wife is like that.

Yes, my wife is way shades of nutty, but I love her. And I love that she needs to be loved. Maybe that makes me nutty too. I need her to hug me. 

Be well, somehow.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

katiecrna said:


> This loneliness is killing me. All I want is for him to come home, hug me and tell me he loves me and everything will be ok. God I wish I wasn't like this.


katiecrna you love the guy you imagined would give you a happy fulfilling life and marriage, you thought he was that guy and it's hard to let go, hell we all get that. But the reality is you are not happy, are not fulfilled, are not satisfied with your marriage or the direction your life has taken, he did not turn out to be the guy you hoped and he's not capable of giving you the life you want and deserve. The loneliness you feel is for the loss of the ideal life you had envisioned, not for the life you have or the man in that life.

Being single is much better than being married yet alone, married yet unhappy. The point you are at right now is the most difficult, you start questioning everything and he will become desperate and promise you the world. "Let's have a baby?" That's crazy talk of a desperate person, don't even consider it. 

Stay strong, the next year will be difficult but the end result will put you in a position to find true happiness in your life.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> I had to give it my everything. And I have.


And you know for yourself, you did. Now it's time to move forward.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> Now he's saying let's have a baby it will help us.


Has he gone bat shiz crazy?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

jld said:


> Katie. You cannot be "replaced."


jld, I have always looked for something we could agree with. This is so true.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> This loneliness is killing me. All I want is for him to come home, hug me and tell me he loves me and everything will be ok. God I wish I wasn't like this.


Katie how else could you be. You put all of yourself into your marriage, just like we all have done or should have. Your husband is the one that didn't put himself into it. That was his doing. 

You will be the one that hurts in this, not him so much. 

Prays are with you Katie. Be strong and make him prove himself to you. But I don't think he will, sorry.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

katiecrna said:


> I had to give it my everything. And I have.


So sorry Katie, I think your H does have a very stressful job but I think the least he could have done was sit down with you and discuss his needs and your needs and what changes could have been possible.
I suspect he will blame you but will throw himself into work further and just move on. There will be no turn around or grand gestures, so don't look for them.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

katiecrna said:


> Now he's saying let's have a baby it will help us.


No! it wont, you will have to take care of the baby all by yourself, he will be an absentee father, you will be even more resentful and then trapped into a marriage where you and the baby are continually neglected. Do not do it, stick with your plan to leave, you can think more clearly when you move out of your current house and go home to Mum and Dad.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

@katiecrna, how are you?


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

I'm hanging in there. My strength wavers. I'm still here with him. I applied to jobs in my hometown which I'm waiting to hear from so I can leave. I have too many student loans and bills to not work.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You're not having sex with him are you? You still intend to leave, right?


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

I'm not having sex with him. And I still plan on leaving.


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