# Husband travelling to home country



## diaryofanabusedhousewife (Aug 16, 2021)

Where to start…. My husband is from another country. We married 12 years ago in a whirlwind romance. He left his country 14 years ago and never went back. He has dual citizenship so green card doesn’t come into play.
He left adult children, grand children, a sister and an ex wife in his home country. He was divorced about 20 years ago.
My husband recently joined Facebook and reconnected with people from his home country. His ex-wife contacted him and helped him re-established contact with one of his adult children after 15 years no contact. I was aware of this exchange with his ex. Once he re-established contact with his child, I said there is no need to continue contact with his ex and he agreed.
Two months after that, I found that he and his ex were Facebook friends and that they were exchanging nostalgic flirty messages.
I unfortunately confronted immediately and lost
my chance to see how bad it was. I was somewhat comforted that because of the distance, physically getting together wasn’t a concern. When I confronted he claimed he told his children that he was deleting their mom off Facebook and to tell her he couldn’t have contact with her anymore as it wasn’t fair to me. I have no proof this exchange ever took place.
That said, he is super protective of phone and laptop. He will ask me to help with a setting on the phone and hover and be impatient freaking out if I have phone too long and I can’t leave the room. He will not let it out of his site. He also spends so much time chatting with his children every day - even to the point of ignoring our kids.
Well guess who is returning alone to their home
country for a visit. Yep - my husband.
I was told he was going to go see his kids and grandkids - never really discussed just told.
He leave Wednesday. I said to him, ‘I hope you have no plans to connect with your ex while you are there.’ His response is that isn’t the intent of the visit. That doesn’t really put me at ease.
I don’t trust him. Do I issue an ultimatum that if he gets caught hanging with his ex he’s gone? I would mean it - not an empty threat. Of is there any stealth mode surveillance I can do?


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

i would think if you can not have trust there is no point in fooling yourself into thinking you have a relationship , 
if you have to be spying on her or him it is over , 
you have bigger problems than just him contacting his old life , 

other than laying down ultimatum try find out if your story is over 
it sounds like it is and if he stays with you it is out of easy other than wanting to


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## Noman (Oct 17, 2014)

Can you get on a plane and fly there NOW?

Pay him a surprise visit, with your mutual children, if possible.

If that's not possible, when he comes home meet him at the door with a butcher knife (metaphorically speaking) and tell him, "All your devices are mine," and monitor his sorry ass constantly.

In the meantime, consult a lawyer, learn your rights, prepare for going nuclear.

I'm sorry you're going through this totally unacceptable ********.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Go with him. Do not stand in the way of his reunion with his kids but I understand your plight regarding the EX. I wouldn't do ultimatums just yet but you best keep your eyes & ears open.


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## nekonamida (Feb 21, 2017)

Before we get too far into giving you advice, can I ask why you chose your username? Has your husband been abusive in other ways?


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## diaryofanabusedhousewife (Aug 16, 2021)

My husband is verbally abusive. He has never physically hit or threatened to hurt me in any way. He is a dry drunk and diagnosed with NPD. The diagnosis is legit and he is awaiting an appointment with a psychiatrist (the waiting list is long). He doesn’t realize what NPD means, he thinks he his therapy is due to having a short fuse and is actually kind of amused by it. His therapy was mandated by insurance due to a work place injury.
Emotionally he’s a different story. He’s a bully, opinionated, spends money ridiculously, quick to anger… he used to try to monopolize my time but since discovering his children again and has an understanding of how important other relationships can be so he has backed off of controlling mine.
Part of me wonders if I am hoping something happens with his ex. For some reason that is my firm line in the sand I know I can enforce. 
I feel obligated to stay while he’s working on himself.


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## diaryofanabusedhousewife (Aug 16, 2021)

D0nnivain said:


> Go with him. Do not stand in the way of his reunion with his kids but I understand your plight regarding the EX. I wouldn't do ultimatums just yet but you best keep your eyes & ears open.


He will be gone three weeks and our kids aren’t vaccinated yet. I can’t leave them and I can’t take them. I also can’t get that time off work. I don’t want to ruin his time with his kids as that would just be cruel.


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## diaryofanabusedhousewife (Aug 16, 2021)

Noman said:


> Can you get on a plane and fly there NOW?
> 
> Pay him a surprise visit, with your mutual children, if possible.
> 
> ...


Thank you very much. I have a counselling appointment booked for day after her leaves and will mark a legal consult as well.


frenchpaddy said:


> i would think if you can not have trust there is no point in fooling yourself into thinking you have a relationship ,
> if you have to be spying on her or him it is over ,
> you have bigger problems than just him contacting his old life ,
> 
> ...


Why would I have trust? Is he behaving in a way that deserves trust? I had no issue with him contacting his ex when it was in regards to their child and he was up front. When it became secretive of course I don’t have trust. While I have no interest in stalking him, I would like to know if this ended so we can work on park two of this and seeing if it’s worth it to see is sessions help the other situation of his quick to anger and NPD tendencies.
Am I staying out of convenience as well? Maybe we are both just settling. 
I don’t want to ruin his reunion with his kids - he doesn’t deserve that. The ultimatum I was thinking of is if I catch wind of a reunion with ex I’m gone - no questions asked.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Well if he has NPD that is probably part of the reason his other kids stopped dealing with him. 

Hoping he cheats so that can be your line in the sand doesn't sound healthy. 

Maybe for your kids' sake this reunion will eventually enable all of your husband's children to have a relationship with each other. Do call frequently under the guise of safely fostering that.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

diaryofanabusedhousewife said:


> Thank you very much. I have a counselling appointment booked for day after her leaves and will mark a legal consult as well.
> 
> 
> Why would I have trust? Is he behaving in a way that deserves trust? I had no issue with him contacting his ex when it was in regards to their child and he was up front. When it became secretive of course I don’t have trust. While I have no interest in stalking him, I would like to know if this ended so we can work on park two of this and seeing if it’s worth it to see is sessions help the other situation of his quick to anger and NPD tendencies.
> ...


 all I am saying if he makes you feel you can not trust him it is in his interest to show you he is been honest , 
I can just imagine that he is not been open fully with you


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## diaryofanabusedhousewife (Aug 16, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> all I am saying if he makes you feel you can not trust him it is in his interest to show you he is been honest ,
> I can just imagine that he is not been open fully with you


No I don’t think he is. So many issues - do I really need firm proof on cheating? Ugh I was listening to a podcast on NPD. Staying is hard, leaving is hard. One option gives you freedom at end of it.


D0nnivain said:


> Well if he has NPD that is probably part of the reason his other kids stopped dealing with him.
> 
> Hoping he cheats so that can be your line in the sand doesn't sound healthy.
> 
> Maybe for your kids' sake this reunion will eventually enable all of your husband's children to have a relationship with each other. Do call frequently under the guise of safely fostering that.


His kids say hi and wave on their calls. They have no interest in me or our kids. they don’t even call them by their right names and the kids look nothing alike.
They have never met.
I tried many years ago. Make a homemade quilt for the kid he had a relationship with and nothing. 
There is a language barrier but they don’t even try though they speak English.
And on my end, I get it, they don’t need to include me - I’m not about being center of attention, but it’s kind of cruel on his end. Like having two families.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

when you have to become a jailer or a spy it is not right


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

diaryofanabusedhousewife said:


> His kids say hi and wave on their calls. They have no interest in me or our kids. they don’t even call them by their right names and the kids look nothing alike.
> * * *
> And on my end, I get it, they don’t need to include me - I’m not about being center of attention, but it’s kind of cruel on his end. Like having two families.


The 2 families thing is wrong. I'm sorry his older kids aren't making more of an effort with your kids. Maybe the feel replaced. I was under the impression that his kids didn't know about your kids. If they know & are ignoring, that is doubly hurtful. Don't subject your kids to that rejection.


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