# My Husband was masturbating, how do I react?



## ForeverandtheMouse (Sep 10, 2020)

My husband goes to bed earlier than me because he goes to work super early. Last week, I caught him masturbating and I was upset. Only because I really wanted to have sex and was alone in the other room, but he didn't even try with me. He just wanted porn and did his thing. We left that conversation basically if he wants to have sex then at least give me a chance to join in, and if I don't want to or am not feeling it. Go for it, masturbate all you want. 

So last night, I walked in on him doing it, actually doing the deed. And I was so embarrassed. I turned bright red. I didn't know what to do, so I just said sorry and left the room. I am still so upset, I feel like we just had this conversation and he still does his thing. I'm not against masturbation at all, even with the porn he watches. But I feel like I deserve a little more communication/ chance to have sex to. Even if I just helped, I just feel like he doesn't want me at all. 

I guess I just need advice on what to say/ what to do in this situation.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

I'm sorry I'm the first to answer, because you are going to get a lot of good advice and sympathy about how your husband is treating your sex life. Which you deserve.

However, I'm not that guy for reasons not required for this conversation, so the question I ask is "why is your husband preferring to masturbate rather than to have sex with you?" If you have not asked that question, perhaps you should. Some answers may be hard to hear, but you have to know if you want to fix it.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

You are correct. He should offer sex with you before self serving. He is being selfish. Many men have porn addictions. Usually it is considered a problem when they prefer masturbation to porn over real live women.

Have you tried going to bed at similar times? Yes you would be going to bed early but then you and he would have more of a chance to connect. Have you asked how often he does this? It maybe daily. or multiple times a day. If you go up to bed with him then after you could always get back up.

Thirdly when you walked in you could have just started to undress. 

He isn't being fair with you. Only he knows why. He may not tell you, he may. I know I wouldn't put up with what you just described.


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## Helping Hand (Sep 8, 2020)

Are you sure you satisfy him ? Ask this question if you still havent. Also, do you both have any age differences ?


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

He should be giving you the chance first, I agree. 

A lot of guys just want a uncomplicated quickie with their hand and then zonk off to sleep.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

ForeverandtheMouse said:


> I was so embarrassed. I turned bright red. I didn't know what to do, so I just said sorry and left the room.


Imagine a different scenario... You walk in on him and remain completely calm as if everything is normal. You join him to inquire what it is he enjoys about viewing erotic media. This turns into an opportunity to improve communication and learn a few things about each other. 

Realistically he might get uncomfortable and stop and not want sex. Or he may get upset and ask you to leave. If that happens then you have a right to feel rejected. 

Otherwise the primary issue here is that of dealing with shame and/or establishing healthy boundaries for personal space as a result of poor communication. If someone is feeling ashamed (your face turning red), then you need to confront that and do whatever it takes to feel more comfortable in that situation. You should be able to walk in and join in the fun. 

There could be another dynamic causing a problem. That could be that you may be demanding or difficult to please. Or at least your husband may perceive you that way during sex. If so this could be causing him performance anxiety and making him unable to enjoy partnered sex. Thus his primary way to enjoy sex then becomes doing so alone so that he can focus on himself and not have to worry about pleasing you. This happens to many couples and can become a serious problem. 

Are you able to share one-sided sexual experiences? As in can you focus solely on him and he enjoy that and vice versa? If one of the two of you struggle reaching climax easily during a one-sided session, that could be a symptom of performance anxiety. 

With all that in mind, imagine you walk in on your husband watching porn and you offer to give him a BJ while he watches. How would he react? What if you choose his porn and challenge him not to climax for a certain amount of time while giving him a BJ? How would you react to that? What if it were fun and as a result he ravaged you after winning your challenge? 

Regards, 
Badsanta

PS: I am not an advocate of porn, but erotic materials such as books and other non-offensive media can be a healthy way for someone to self explore. Choosing what those materials/media are OK for this should be something openly discussed by a couple.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

For a lot of men it starts basically as laziness. Most men have the need to occasionally relieve themselves without having to go through the bother of actually having sex. Just a quick out of the way that requires no effort to relax, then to sleep. No harm.
The problem is when men get too used/lazy to actually have sex. It's a lazy substitution that becomes a habit that later on is hard to break for many men.
Then, there's another factor: when he's not longer or too attracted to the partner anymore. That's another issue altogether. 
Or another issue: passive/aggressive when piss-off for whatever reason, the partner pays the price.
Which one is it in your case? Well, you most find out. Ask direct questions that leave no room for misinterpretation, because as a man I can tell you that most men experience what I had: question (s) from a woman in a way that what they say is not what we hear, so, be direct an specific, like: why are you masturbating when I'm here available? He will try to deflect by going around the bushes. Don't let him do that. If at the end he is not sufficiently Frank with you, then, you have a more serious problem than the occasional solo masturbation, because that means that he either does not have sufficient balls to be frank with you, or he does not have a deep enough connection with you to just bare it all to you without feeling threatened or embarrassed.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

It appears your H likes the porn more than anything. Your H needs to stop with the porn.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Porn was once mostly girly magazines and expensive 'somewhat' difficult to obtain videos.

Now, it is a billion dollar industry, even though much of it is free and readily available on the internet.

The porn purveyors are sophisticated and they have anything any voyeur could ever hope for.

It is tearing our society to pieces, one video clip, one snippet at a time.

It makes young men over expectant, allowing them to have those unrealistic expectations from dates and mates.
And, it makes average men feel inadequate.

It makes young women vulnerable to peer pressure and sexual exploitation and abuse from males and other females.
And, it makes average ladies feel inadequate.

Societies rarely fall in one fell swoop. 

They die incrementally; one stupid lifestyle, one dangerous life choice at a time.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Just remember, don't be embarrassed and don't freak out if you walk in on him again.

Remember, you've been M a good while and should be comfortable enough to talk about anything without immediate knee jerk judgment and criticisms.

It may be a simple as you two's schedules aren't lining up right know, or he isn't aware you're ready to go anytime ( if you are).

And that this may be an opportunity to expand the variety of sexuality in the relationship, mutual participation in multiple ways, etc.

Best bet is don't freak out which will freak him out, thus making this a mess and not just a new but not tragic or bad in any sense, from what we're reading about your circumstances. 

Take it easy.


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## Buttugly (Apr 1, 2016)

ForeverandtheMouse said:


> My husband goes to bed earlier than me because he goes to work super early. Last week, I caught him masturbating and I was upset. Only because I really wanted to have sex and was alone in the other room, but he didn't even try with me. He just wanted porn and did his thing. We left that conversation basically if he wants to have sex then at least give me a chance to join in, and if I don't want to or am not feeling it. Go for it, masturbate all you want.
> 
> So last night, I walked in on him doing it, actually doing the deed. And I was so embarrassed. I turned bright red. I didn't know what to do, so I just said sorry and left the room. I am still so upset, I feel like we just had this conversation and he still does his thing. I'm not against masturbation at all, even with the porn he watches. But I feel like I deserve a little more communication/ chance to have sex to. Even if I just helped, I just feel like he doesn't want me at all.
> 
> I guess I just need advice on what to say/ what to do in this situation.


That has to hurt on many levels ,I'm sorry . You could buy a few sex toys online to pleasure yourself and ask him to join you . Set up a time to pleasure yourself with porn for women ...yes that is a thing , times have changed ...let him walk in on you and ask if he would like to join you . If he turns you down then he has a porn addiction , look into counseling for yourself. If you both have let yourselves go over the yrs then you both could work on improving your fitness , health and attractiveness ,but if you let yourself go and he hasn't then consider working on that ...men are visual . Next time you walk in on him ,get naked and hang out tell him it turns you on...see what happens ...be bold and uninhibited ...but be prepared for rejection if he has a porn addiction. Take care of you ,don't allow a porn addiction to crush your self esteem...he has the problem not you . Good luck ...hope it works out .


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## Dadto2 (Aug 11, 2020)

My two cents...he's masturbating because he only has to worry about pleasing himself and not you too. Also..and this is big....a guy watches porn to fantasize about having sex with a certain type of woman...or about having a certain type of sex with a woman. If you saw the porn he was watching, I'd bet money the girls he is looking at look nothing like you and are doing things you probably don't do. And that's not a bad thing...it's his fantasy. Having sex with you and watching porn are two totally different things in his mind. It doesn't mean he loves you less.

One suggestion...if you walk in on him again, don't be embarrased. Instead go over and join in. Help him masturbate and it might turn into a great sex session for you both.


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

You need to become his porn!

When you caught him, you should have stripped naked, got on the bed beside him, and started playing with yourself too!

Either it ends up in a mutual masturbation session, or the two of you end up making mad love to one another.

Next time, join in with exuberance and just enjoy being together in the moment.

Let him 'catch' you masturbating on occasion too.

JMHO.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

ah_sorandy said:


> Let him 'catch' you masturbating on occasion too.


While I don't like the idea of passive aggressiveness, this one has a lot of potential! 

You don't even need to masturbate, but just leave some puzzling evidence around to mess with his head! Purchase a very large jar of coconut oil, empty it out, and leave the empty jar on your nightstand. Or download a complicated manual for a sex toy and print it out and leave it somewhere that he will find it (preferably with coconut oil fingerprints on it). 

This web page contains a downloadable manual that you can print a few pages if you scroll down to almost the end: https://www.lelo.com/soraya-wave

The Manual: https://www.lelo.com/sites/default/files/EN_SORAYA Wave_online manual_20200119.pdf

OMG, just print and leave page 5 laying out half covered in lube somewhere for him to find. Find a really awkward place to leave it, like on the floor of his side of the bed (as if it fell out of your sight). 



Badsanta


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## Imagirl (Aug 17, 2020)

I have never"caught" my guy masterbating but I'd be extremely turned on if I did! I'd move his hand off of"my" stuff and probably give him some pretty intense oral. If he turned me away I'd question if we were meant to be together lol. I know you'd like him to pursue you before he takes care of business but next time I'd say just jump in and take what you want.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

So the usual questions-

How long have you been married?
Do you have kids?
What has your sex life been like lately, vs when you met?
Are there currently some very stressful things going on, perhaps finances?

It's really easy to say porn addiction is the issue, and that a real person can't match the fantasy portrayed by porn. And that could be the case. But porn use (with masturbation) is sometimes a way to avoid dealing with sex issues, typically rejection. In your case, it doesn't sound like you fit the stereotype rejecting spouse; you're jealous of his finding ways to satisfy himself without you. 

More questions than answers, but questions really are the important thing to focus on, because latching onto answers too quickly can send things in a wrong direction.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

It's two things. He doesn't have to reciprocate and actually put any work in watching p*** to get you off. and it sort of doubly feeds into that fantasy because most p*** doesn't require the man to do much. 

The other thing is this fulfills some form of variety for him. But I agree that besides all the other problems there can be associated with p**, it can certainly give a man unreasonable expectations. If he becomes a p** addict, he may get to where he can only get off to his favorite scenarios which are well nigh not going to happen in real life.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

ForeverandtheMouse said:


> My husband goes to bed earlier than me because he goes to work super early. Last week, I caught him masturbating and I was upset. *Only because I really wanted to have sex and was alone in the other room, but he didn't even try with me*. He just wanted porn and did his thing. We left that conversation basically* if he wants to have sex then at least give me a chance to join in*, and if I don't want to or am not feeling it. Go for it, masturbate all you want.
> 
> So last night, I walked in on him doing it, actually doing the deed. And *I was so embarrassed. I turned bright red.* I didn't know what to do, so I just said sorry and left the room. I am still so upset, I feel like we just had this conversation and he still does his thing. *I'm not against masturbation at all, even with the porn he watches. But I feel like I deserve a little more communication/ chance to have sex to. Even if I just helped, I just feel like he doesn't want me at all.*
> 
> I guess I just need advice on what to say/ what to do in this situation.


There are some good suggestions and good questions. 

I have a few questions as well. How would your describe your sexual relationship? Is he more higher demand than you are? 

If he is higher sexual libido than you, masturbation is one way to balance things out as is your making sure that you take time to pleasure him with your body and mind. Remember a man's biggest sex organ is between his ears and so you might be able to redefine what he considers sex and intimacy in different ways.

Now if you have the higher libido that is totally a different story. 

If you have been married a while, then the two of you may have settled into roles that he would be uncomfortable leaving. Often when a woman has a child she is viewed much differently by the H, she has become a "mother." The modonna - wh#ore complex is real. Similarly, in raising children in the house, he may have had to change and channel his urges for years.

You should be commended to telling him that you want to participate with him. Ask yourself why you got so embarrassed that you turned red the second time? In fact, you might ask you H why he thinks you would get embarrassed. He probably knows you and your body language better than you think. Your talking to him is wonderful. If for some reason he can't allow you to touch him when he masturbates, ask if yo can at least cuddle with him afterwards. Tell him after you have cuddled, if he could touch you and bring you to orgasm or if you could masturbate with him holding you. Tell him you want to feel intimacy between the two of you.

Good luck


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

How long have you been together and married? After a couple of years, sex can get routine and even boring unless you both make a real effort to keep things interesting. Porn can be an easy alternative with infinite variety, but should never take priority over a willing partner!!!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You're going to have to get straight to the point with the guy. If he does this one more time, you calmly say "I see you've made your choice. You prefer solo sex. Good to know. I'll start looking for an alternate to you". He doesn't get to have a sex life and make you go without. Screw that ****.

I don't advocate pandering to a selfish spouse. It just makes them feel more entitled to treat you with disrespect.


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## Gomezaddams51 (Jun 15, 2020)

My suggestion is that when you catch him doing it, take your clothes off, lay on the bed beside him and start masturbating yourself. If that doesn't get his attention nothing will. Every time you catch him do the same and hopefully he will wake up and screw your brains out. Better yet buy some sex toys and use them on yourself when laying beside him..


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Wowww I would be livid. There is only one thing you can do, and that is to have a serious talk with him and tell him how serious this really is for you. 

The thought of having to tell your husband to have sex with you is insane! I am so sorry. Maybe he had a problem. Maybe he has a quick routine or something that is hard to break. Don’t shame him too much. Talk to him about it. Tell him how it makes you feel. Maybe he just needs a new routine.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

ForeverandtheMouse said:


> My husband goes to bed earlier than me because he goes to work super early. Last week, I caught him masturbating and I was upset. Only because I really wanted to have sex and was alone in the other room, but he didn't even try with me. He just wanted porn and did his thing. We left that conversation basically if he wants to have sex then at least give me a chance to join in, and if I don't want to or am not feeling it. Go for it, masturbate all you want.
> 
> So last night, I walked in on him doing it, actually doing the deed. And I was so embarrassed. I turned bright red. I didn't know what to do, so I just said sorry and left the room. I am still so upset, I feel like we just had this conversation and he still does his thing. I'm not against masturbation at all, even with the porn he watches. But I feel like I deserve a little more communication/ chance to have sex to. Even if I just helped, I just feel like he doesn't want me at all.
> 
> I guess I just need advice on what to say/ what to do in this situation.


Without looking at the other responses, my initial response is to ask him why. Maybe he just wants a quick sexual release without the extended time of sex. If you're alright with a "wham, bam, thank you ma'am" that is purely for his release, then make sure he knows that. Maybe there is some other reason. But whatever that reason is, is going to be the key to where to go from there.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Girl_power said:


> Wowww I would be livid. There is only one thing you can do, and that is to have a serious talk with him and tell him how serious this really is for you.
> 
> The thought of having to tell your husband to have sex with you is insane! I am so sorry. Maybe he had a problem. Maybe he has a quick routine or something that is hard to break. Don’t shame him too much. Talk to him about it. Tell him how it makes you feel. Maybe he just needs a new routine.


If you're livid over this, there are many, many women that have a 90% livid encounter coming if they're in a ltr.

If a W or gf pays attention to SO, and has an intent to find out if he does, and wants to catch him, all they have to do is wait and watch. Very, very likely their opportunity will come.

Or, W or gf will continue to look the other way, because in the long run it's no big deal, doesn't interfere with the couple's great sexual relationship, sex is always when she wants, too.

It is in the cases it replaces the couples sex, she's not getting as much as she desires, then yes it's a problem.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

ForeverandtheMouse said:


> My husband goes to bed earlier than me because he goes to work super early. Last week, I caught him masturbating and I was upset. Only because I really wanted to have sex and was alone in the other room, but he didn't even try with me. He just wanted porn and did his thing. We left that conversation basically if he wants to have sex then at least give me a chance to join in, and if I don't want to or am not feeling it. Go for it, masturbate all you want.
> 
> So last night, I walked in on him doing it, actually doing the deed. And I was so embarrassed. I turned bright red. I didn't know what to do, so I just said sorry and left the room. I am still so upset, I feel like we just had this conversation and he still does his thing. I'm not against masturbation at all, even with the porn he watches. But I feel like I deserve a little more communication/ chance to have sex to. Even if I just helped, I just feel like he doesn't want me at all.
> 
> I guess I just need advice on what to say/ what to do in this situation.


You've got to initiate sex more. If a wife doesn't a guy is going to take care of himself. If you catch him again, join in! Thats what guys want


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I'm in essentially the same boat and I can't approve any of the advice here. None of that has worked. The joining, the ultimatum the replacement, all a bust. Their fault / your fault, been down that rabbit hole too much. Just be honest about how you feel. I feel lonely. I feel disconnected. I miss time with you. 
It won't solve anything but it is valuable information when a spouse has to make a choice.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> If you're livid over this, there are many, many women that have a 90% livid encounter coming if they're in a ltr.
> 
> If a W or gf pays attention to SO, and has an intent to find out if he does, and wants to catch him, all they have to do is wait and watch. Very, very likely their opportunity will come.
> 
> ...


She told him that she wants him to come to her first. Give her the opportunity to share and make a connection with your spouse. 
When one person wants sex OR is willing to have sex, and the other choices porn, it hurts. It disconnects the marriage. 

#1 choice should always be spouse. #2 can be masterbating.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Girl_power said:


> She told him that she wants him to come to her first. Give her the opportunity to share and make a connection with your spouse.
> When one person wants sex OR is willing to have sex, and the other choices porn, it hurts. It disconnects the marriage.
> 
> #1 choice should always be spouse. #2 can be masterbating.


Agreed!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Haven’t read all the responses. I have read lots of threads on here where a guy is addicted to porn and would rather masturbate than have sex with his wife. I’d suggest that porn is overstimulation and results in a man not being able to get off with normal sex. If he stopped the porn, he’d want sex with you again. But apparently it’s addictive and the chances of him stopping are almost zero.
This is going to be a rough road for you.
People addicted to the stuff often need more and worse crazy porn to get them off, I’ve even heard of guys going to prostitutes when they have a perfectly healthy, loving, willing wife at home. It’s crazy, but an addiction is what it is.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Girl_power said:


> She told him that she wants him to come to her first. Give her the opportunity to share and make a connection with your spouse.
> When one person wants sex OR is willing to have sex, and the other choices porn, it hurts. It disconnects the marriage.
> 
> #1 choice should always be spouse. #2 can be masterbating.


And if one person demands sex, but is not willing to make the sex life interesting or engaging? What happens when you weigh sex with your spouse on one hand and masturbation on the other, only to discover not much difference?

Someone demanding sex from their spouse should be under some obligation to make their spouse desire sex with them. No one likes to talk about the answer to the question of "why does my spouse not desire me enough" sometimes being "because you're a lousy lover".


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Cletus said:


> And if one person demands sex, but is not willing to make the sex life interesting or engaging? What happens when you weigh sex with your spouse on one hand and masturbation on the other, only to discover not much difference?
> 
> Someone demanding sex from their spouse should be under some obligation to make their spouse desire sex with them. No one likes to talk about the answer to the question of "why does my spouse not desire me enough" sometimes being "because you're a lousy lover".


If that's the case, the spouse has an obligation to discuss it with the one going without and give them an opportunity to improve.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Cletus said:


> And if one person demands sex, but is not willing to make the sex life interesting or engaging? What happens when you weigh sex with your spouse on one hand and masturbation on the other, only to discover not much difference?
> 
> Someone demanding sex from their spouse should be under some obligation to make their spouse desire sex with them. No one likes to talk about the answer to the question of "why does my spouse not desire me enough" sometimes being "because you're a lousy lover".


First off no one should demand anything. 

If you don’t want to have sex with your partner and would rather masterbate and watch porn, then you shouldn’t be in a relationship. I mean that’s insane. I’m sorry sex with you isn’t good enough, so I’m going to watch porn instead... are you really saying that’s ok??


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Cletus said:


> And if one person demands sex, but is not willing to make the sex life interesting or engaging? What happens when you weigh sex with your spouse on one hand and masturbation on the other, only to discover not much difference?
> 
> Someone demanding sex from their spouse should be under some obligation to make their spouse desire sex with them. No one likes to talk about the answer to the question of "why does my spouse not desire me enough" sometimes being "because you're a lousy lover".


Not much difference between masterbating and having sex with the love of your life?? Umm then why are you with them?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Girl_power said:


> She told him that she wants him to come to her first. Give her the opportunity to share and make a connection with your spouse.
> When one person wants sex OR is willing to have sex, and the other choices porn, it hurts. It disconnects the marriage.
> 
> #1 choice should always be spouse. #2 can be masterbating.


Here is how that worked out in my marriage. A long time ago my wife told me to stop looking at porn and masturbating and that I should always come to her first instead. I did. TOTAL DISASTER! 

Nothing more problematic than a man that is required to first ask his wife for sex on his way to jerk off! She will eventually feel used! He will eventually have trouble climaxing. It will be emotionally upsetting. It will basically destroy any desire remaining. 

"Desire can't be forced," "Desire needs distance" & "Desire does not play by rules of democratic fairness" - Esther Perel


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Girl_power said:


> First off no one should demand anything.
> 
> If you don’t want to have sex with your partner and would rather masterbate and watch porn, then you shouldn’t be in a relationship.


That is not for you to decide.



> I mean that’s insane. I’m sorry sex with you isn’t good enough, so I’m going to watch porn instead... are you really saying that’s ok??


OK or not, that is how the world of sexual incompatibility can play out. You can work on a problem for decades. You can make accommodations, talk about it until you are blue in the face, struggle for years, and eventually accept reality, which will not be denied if you are a bad lover or if you and your partner do not share common ground on the definition of a satisfactory sex life.

At that point, both partners have the option to continue the relationship or not. Harsh? Maybe, but that's life. 



Girl_power said:


> Not much difference between masterbating and having sex with the love of your life?? Umm then why are you with them?


Because relationships forged over decades sometimes do not simply dissolve over sex.


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## Donny69 (Sep 12, 2020)

Just skimming above but it sounds like some are suggesting this is ForeverandtheMouse's fault- like she doesn't do it right? Dang, I don't see it that way. Seems pretty juvenile to me.... passing up a real life woman (with a hot avatar at least  for something sad and superficial. What is it with men these days?? Sounds almost like a mental illness...


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

seriously?
most men would want you to pull off your top, and give them oral sex.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Talker67 said:


> seriously?
> most men would want you to pull off your top, and give them oral sex.


Perhaps. It still wouldn't fix her problem, though, would it? Did you miss the part where he is just fine taking care of it all by himself and to hell with her?


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> Perhaps. It still wouldn't fix her problem, though, would it? Did you miss the part where he is just fine taking care of it all by himself and to hell with her?


those are the words of a hubby who had been denied far too many times in his life.

her responding with a BJ, instead of being mad, would be a big change in the relationship...just my opinion. opinions vary


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

I think you should have "punished" him since you were horny, too. Just how I would have handled it.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Almost every single response here is from people who clearly have NO idea what is really going on with a man who prefers porn and his hand to his willing and interested wife, after being told clearly from her how much she desires sex with him.

If he wanted her to join in, he would have asked her to, instead of sneaking it behind her back, AFTER she told him she wanted to be included.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

VibrantWings said:


> I think you should have "punished" him since you were horny, too. Just how I would have handled it.


She is his wife not his mother. One spouse punishing the other for "undesired behavior" is not a good formula for marriage. It may work for training a dog, but even then positive motivation is often better than punishment.


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

Young at Heart said:


> She is his wife not his mother. One spouse punishing the other for "undesired behavior" is not a good formula for marriage. It may work for training a dog, but even then positive motivation is often better than punishment.


I didn't mean punish in a literal way- hence it was in quotations. Punish him by having sex with him. I also just said what I would do and didn't advise anyone else of what to do.


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## Donny69 (Sep 12, 2020)

Young at Heart said:


> She is his wife not his mother. One spouse punishing the other for "undesired behavior" is not a good formula for marriage. It may work for training a dog, but even then positive motivation is often better than punishment.


I don’t know. When I screw up and my wife is livid/pissy for a few days and the sex is gone I’m usually up to making BIG life changes as necessary with a side order of apologies, flowers with maybe a little groveling. So, punishment works although my wife would never admit she’s punishing me. More like she only wants sex when we’re in synch.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Donny69 said:


> I don’t know. When I screw up and my wife is livid/pissy for a few days and the sex is gone I’m usually up to making BIG life changes as necessary with a side order of apologies, flowers with maybe a little groveling. So, punishment works although my wife would never admit she’s punishing me. More like *she only wants sex when we’re in synch*.


Such truth here.

Sex is conditional (emotional) for her; for many ladies, not primarily to 'physically' relieve themselves, as men are oft to do.


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## Donny69 (Sep 12, 2020)

SunCMars said:


> Such truth here.
> 
> Sex is conditional (emotional) for her; for many ladies, not primarily to 'physically' relieve themselves, as men are oft to do.


Right. I think it's actually a pretty good motivator for a man to stay in sync with his wife. My natural tendency is a bit to disconnect emotionally. I tend to go through life by burying feelings especially painful ones. I keep things to myself. However, my wife tends to encourage us to be in sync because she doesn't want to have sex with me when I am distant, distracted, or disconnected. She's not doing this to be cruel but rather this is deeply part of who she is.

I also feel a bit of guilt when I go to her for sex only (when I know we aren't in sync). I feel like I'm taking something from her- even after being married for so long. I mean, I've done it and she complies often but I feel kind of bad about it afterwards... sometimes even find myself saying "sorry honey". My wife is always classy and almost never says "no" but I am sensitive enough to know when I am robbing our relationship and not deepening it with sex. Doesn't everyone experience this?

I imagine this is a bit of the rub with porn (pun intended). Men can get some "sex" and don't have to do the mental/emotional exercise of getting in sync with their wife. It's a real shame. I think porn is gross (let's face it many of the female "actors" are probably victims of abuse and some are probably victims of trafficking. Yeah man, think of that next time you're whacking it) but also porn is damaging to a marriage because a man doesn't need to be in sync with his wife for sex. It's sort of robbing from the marriage when hubby is getting sex without being in sync with his wife (and he doesn't even have to face up to his guilt that he robbed her). Hope that makes sense.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Donny69 said:


> I also feel a bit of guilt when I go to her for sex only (when I know we aren't in sync). I feel like I'm taking something from her- even after being married for so long. I mean, I've done it and she complies often but I feel kind of bad about it afterwards... sometimes even find myself saying "sorry honey". My wife is always classy and almost never says "no" but I am sensitive enough to know when I am robbing our relationship and not deepening it with sex.


Be careful here, you may be over thinking this, over rationalizing this. 
Your guilt is misplaced.

Men express their love physically. 
They do.

Never be ashamed of this.
Do not downplay this.

Be confident in your masculinity without being crude or demanding.
When you make love to her, do so with passion and confidence.

Make love to her, show her that love the way men are supposed to.

_I get it that you are sensitive. If she is loving of that and your present approach, keep it up.
Just do not grovel._

Or, never admit to the thought of it!!


_UlyssesHeart-_


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Donny69 said:


> I don’t know. When I screw up and my wife is livid/pissy for a few days and the sex is gone I’m usually up to making BIG life changes as necessary with a side order of apologies, flowers with maybe a little groveling. So, punishment works although my wife would never admit she’s punishing me. More like she only wants sex when we’re in synch.


Most of the literature on conditioned response seems to support positive conditioning as more effective. Not saying negative conditioning can't work, but among a married couple it does create a different dynamic.

But to each their own.


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## Donny69 (Sep 12, 2020)

It's not all negative. I think those times when we are not in sync and I go to her for sex and she consents it is deepening of the relationship on her part. She gives herself freely even when she isn't fully desiring it and I'm often left sort of humbled and more in love with her (and feeling guilty a bit). She gave me what I wanted and needed despite how she was feeling about it. It's sort of like the times when she is exhausted and I'm feeling "randy" (term borrowed from Conan) and she sort of gives a quickie just out of love for me. I sort of am both touched by her love and generosity as she is showering/cleaning up and feeling a bit guilty because I know how busy and tired she is... times like those that make you want to be a better man.

I think my point is that porn sort of subverts this give and take a bit. If a man turns to porn instead of his wife he loses that chance to see the generous nature of his wife AND loses the chance to deepen the relationship. I know also that there are also times when I'm especially randy/frustrated/insane and my wife submits (even though she initially ain't into it) and my drive such that she gets swept into it and the sex turns out memorable and amazing. If I turned to porn/mast these type of "surprise" experiences are lost too.

Anyway- I'm a fan of marriage and people working through sex needs solely together and porn sort of hijacks all that. Hope that makes sense.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

badsanta said:


> Here is how that worked out in my marriage. A long time ago my wife told me to stop looking at porn and masturbating and that I should always come to her first instead. I did. TOTAL DISASTER!
> 
> Nothing more problematic than a man that is required to first ask his wife for sex on his way to jerk off! She will eventually feel used! He will eventually have trouble climaxing. It will be emotionally upsetting. It will basically destroy any desire remaining.
> 
> "Desire can't be forced," "Desire needs distance" & "Desire does not play by rules of democratic fairness" - Esther Perel


Desire does not mean watching porn and masterbating 9/10 times, then going to your spouse with sex 1/10 times. This is not the distance Perel is talking about. 

And masterbating is different then watching porn and masterbating. I have less of a problem with my partner rubbing one out in the shower: but I have a huge problem with him watching porn and rubbing one out.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Girl_power said:


> Desire does not mean watching porn and masterbating 9/10 times, then going to your spouse with sex 1/10 times. This is not the distance Perel is talking about.
> 
> And masterbating is different then watching porn and masterbating. *I have less of a problem with my partner rubbing one out in the shower:* but I have a huge problem with him watching porn and rubbing one out.



See bolded. If a W or gf has any problem at all with their partner rubbing one out in the shower, said W or gf is going to have regular problems in life. Just a little bit unrealistic.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Girl_power said:


> And *masterbating is different then watching porn and masterbating.* I have less of a problem with my partner rubbing one out in the shower: but I have a huge problem with him watching porn and rubbing one out.


The OP claims she did not have an issue with porn. She claimed to be surprised by catching him in the act of "doing the deed." Since most people tend to "project" their feelings onto others, a good question to ask is if the OP if she would be ashamed of being caught in the act (with or without porn)?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Anastasia6 said:


> You are correct. He should offer sex with you before self serving. He is being selfish.
> 
> * I know I wouldn't put up with what you just described*.


I may regret asking - but to clarify, you wouldn't put up with him masturbating?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> I may regret asking - but to clarify, you wouldn't put up with him masturbating?


I wouldn't put up with him masterbating while ignoring me. Especially if I had talked with him and made my desire known. Wouldn't be thrilled about the porn either.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Anastasia6 said:


> I wouldn't put up with him masterbating while ignoring me. Especially if I had talked with him and made my desire known. Wouldn't be thrilled about the porn either.


Ok, but doesn't the remedy to "wouldn't put up with" depend on the reason given?

WHY your husband prefers his hand to you is the most important question, and the one thing I have not yet seen addressed by the OP, which is apparently a 1-post hit-and-run. So I guess we're OK going down this hypothetical path since we cannot actually help the originator of the topic.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Cletus said:


> Ok, but doesn't the remedy to "wouldn't put up with" depend on the reason given?
> 
> WHY your husband prefers his hand to you is the most important question, and the one thing I have not yet seen addressed by the OP, which is apparently a 1-post hit-and-run. So I guess we're OK going down this hypothetical path since we cannot actually help the originator of the topic.


Well no I don't figure it does. I mean she had a discussion with him about this. At that time he could have said his peace but doesn't appear that he did. So if my husband won't communicate with me. Won't see me for sex. Uses porn and leaves me out, well not much of a husband.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Cletus said:


> the OP, which is apparently a 1-post hit-and-run.


I think that right there is the gesture of what is wrong in so many marriages. There is a problem, it gets brought up for discussion, and there is likely no immediate resolution. Topic is then dropped indefinitely but the drama carries on. 

Years later the husband asks what is wrong? The wife insists that she has already brought it up before and he very well knows. Husband is none the wiser and the problems persist. 

My point here is that addressing problems in a marriages takes persistence and follow through. You can't take a once-and-done swing at it and consider that the problem has been addressed. 

Badsanta


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

badsanta said:


> I think that right there is the gesture of what is wrong in so many marriages. There is a problem, it gets brought up for discussion, and there is likely no immediate resolution. Topic is then dropped indefinitely but the drama carries on.
> 
> Years later the husband asks what is wrong? The wife insists that she has already brought it up before and he very well knows. Husband is none the wiser and the problems persist.
> 
> ...


Agreed. The real world is complicated. You might have to work a little bit to draw out a confession from your mate if the answer has the potential to be hurtful, right?

Even if it is necessary, getting your spouse to say "I find our sex life unfulfilling and uninteresting, and I don't think we have much chance of changing it, so I've given up" can be a tough ask. Especially when lots of things have been tried with little success, and opening old wounds seems counter-productive.

Of course, OP seems genuinely surprised by this, so it would seem that there is no associated history to consider.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Anastasia6 said:


> I wouldn't put up with him masterbating while ignoring me. Especially if I had talked with him and made my desire known. Wouldn't be thrilled about the porn either.


The ignoring you part, I can dig it. 👍


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Sounds like a typical married situation really. Hubby tried to initiate sex and wife said No (totally OK her prerogative) He decided to go off and watch some porn and take care of himself. She then caught him and was surprised\upset. I think this sort of thing happens in alot of marriages. My wife probably says No 50% of the time I try to initiate something so I go and take care of myself later. I am high drive and she is not. I could have sex everyday, she is OK with it once per week. Thats married sex and most couples are like that. Not always the man or woman who is high drive\low drive but most couples are mismatched sexually. I know some will come and say they are not and their sex life is better so good for them but look at the number of posts here and everywhere of one spouse complaining about the other. Money and sex are the two biggest marriage issues.

So back on point...I guess they could talk more (probably a good idea) or they could decide to not tell each other No for sex (probably not going to happen) but neither should be surprised if one says No and the other takes matters "into their own hands" (pun intended)


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Sounds like a typical married situation really. Hubby tried to initiate sex and wife said No (totally OK her prerogative) He decided to go off and watch some porn and take care of himself.


That was not indicated in the original post. I think this was all that she was asking for is that the husband try to initiate before going off to do his thing. She indicated at the time that she was in the other room and wanting to have sex. So obviously he did not ask. 

Reversing roles this would be like the typical sex starved husband that catches his wife masturbating while denying sexual intimacy to the marriage. That happens more often than it gets discussed. Often in these situations the wife is harboring resentment towards her spouse and as a result it harms sexual desire towards the husband in the relationship. The wife meanwhile may still have urges, but just not easily facilitated within the context of feeling resentful towards her spouse. So the only way those urges can be satisfied is alone. 

We know little about the OP aside from the fact she may be lurking still, but there are likely others in her same situation here reading that never post. A good question to explore would be the dynamics outside of the bedroom. Perhaps there is financial stress. Perhaps someone has been enjoying retail therapy during times of financial stress. Husbands are not immune to feeling resentful. Even if both have jobs and she is spending her own money. Perhaps especially if she has more of her own money to spend that he does. 

Badsanta


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

It seems...

It is that woman's duty to train her man's mind, where as, training his hand is beyond her reach.
She can attempt to train straight his thoughts, and hope to restrain his impulses.

All else is foolish.
His hand is Mother Natures, and she directs its strokes.

A man's seeds are meant to fertilize, even so desperately, the Ethernet.


_The Typist-_


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## Donny69 (Sep 12, 2020)

A man can train his impulses if he wants to. If he decides he doesn't want porn he can install software to block his own access to it and then give the password to his wife or friend or throw it away. I used this approach long ago. Once it was hard to get to- I found I could live without it. Glad I did because it lead to a more authentic relationship with my wife. Also glad because I think the "actors" are victims of abuse and such and I feel so sorry for them to be using something so special and life giving for cheap entertainment.... so sad.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Often it is...

I write to entertain, not to explain....away.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

badsanta said:


> That was not indicated in the original post. I think this was all that she was asking for is that the husband try to initiate before going off to do his thing. She indicated at the time that she was in the other room and wanting to have sex. So obviously he did not ask.
> 
> Reversing roles this would be like the typical sex starved husband that catches his wife masturbating while denying sexual intimacy to the marriage. That happens more often than it gets discussed. Often in these situations the wife is harboring resentment towards her spouse and as a result it harms sexual desire towards the husband in the relationship. The wife meanwhile may still have urges, but just not easily facilitated within the context of feeling resentful towards her spouse. So the only way those urges can be satisfied is alone.
> 
> ...


OP is likely gone, having gotten a wide variety of feedback of which some appears to be conflicting with her position that she's been wronged somehow.

Perhaps OP was looking for that to be validated, only.

If still lurking, OP, take what info helps, leave the rest. Appreciate the other points of views as real world background information that may help in seeing a full picture. 

Things are often not exactly as one may initially think, for all of us. That, at least for me is the main reason I'm always reading about the human condition, to learn.

If you're still around, best of luck!


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Perhaps OP was looking for that to be validated, only.


Perhaps both with her post in that she needed to gather emotional support to confront her husband, AND also she needed validation by getting sex from her husband. 

Many books on sexuality suggest that problems over sexual intimacy are about seeking validation from others (our spouse). Primarily in the form of wanting to be wanted and rejecting anything else. 

So notice this:


ForeverandtheMouse said:


> Even if I just helped, I just feel like he doesn't want me at all.


...as in it sounds like she was talking about helping him masturbate perhaps by giving him a HJ or BJ while he enjoyed porn. But because she FEARED that this would not validate her needing to feel wanted, SHE was the one that rejected that possibility. SHE chose not to participate. SHE turned red and walked away. SHE is the one that refused sex to her husband in this context. 

Just like SHE has turned away and walked away from this thread. 

Of all of us posting and continuing the conversation, we now take on the role of her husband and just carry on the conversation alone and without her. 

Badsanta


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Anastasia6 said:


> Well no I don't figure it does. I mean she had a discussion with him about this. At that time he could have said his peace but doesn't appear that he did. So if my husband won't communicate with me. Won't see me for sex. Uses porn and leaves me out, well not much of a husband.


i am willing to bet the discussion was pretty one sided.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Talker67 said:


> i am willing to bet the discussion was pretty one sided.


Yep I agree that it was probably one sided. She expressed her concerns and he didn't have any input. He's not participating in the the relationship.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Anastasia6 said:


> Yep I agree that it was probably one sided. She expressed her concerns and he didn't have any input. He's not participating in the the relationship.


i was, instead, thinking she laid some guilt trip on him, and he...being conditioned to avoid conflict, chose to remain silent.

Sounds like a classic HD/LD situation, where neither side understand what the other side needs


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## Nic2020 (Sep 24, 2020)

I've not actually caught my husband but there's been plenty of times where I've known he's been at it behind my back.. he's left his mark, put it that way. I used to be ok with it, even watch him do it .. but now we have an almost non existent sex life, when he comes near me it's like he's doing me a favour, so it's become something that annoys me if I'm honest, I feel rejected for a hand/porn. He's happy. I'm miserable.

He was into porn when I met him, which I sort of thought 'ok.. youre single', but then it carried on when we were together and in the end I just ended up comparing myself to these better looking, toned, younger, prettier women - and there lies my answer - Why would he bother with me when he's got a pick of great looking women whenever he choses . 
And as I knew what he was like, who's fault is it that I'm miserable..

I've always been the one to try.. watch what I eat, shower/make an effort, try to dress nice.. but it made little difference (unless it was a Saturday (!)), then left me wondering why I bother.
He doesn't. He doesn't shower often, doesn't make an effort unless it's for work or other people, he used to but not anymore. Yet I love him the same, I don't require him to shower every day for me to want him, I want him regardless (yet I need to be neatly shaven, dressed nice and looking nice or else it doesn't even get going - doesn't make you feel great that, what if I get sick one day, lose my hair, get bigger..)

Anyway, I've had the same discussion as you for years, basically "why don't you want me anymore?"... I've heard it all. I was sympathetic but now I feel rejected and ugly. It's been over 5 years. I shouldn't let him affect me, it should be up to me to make myself feel better.. but this just makes me feel ugly and uncomfortable in my own skin, I can't help it. Going to bed alone is lonely and feeling like other women are doing it for him and I'm not is heartbreaking. To suggest you shouldve walked in and joined in is silly imo, not when you feel rejected. Maybe he shouldve thought about you, closed it down and came to apologise seeing as he knew it wouldve upaet or embarrassed you.. Porn can be quite selfish and can cause so many problems imo (I tried to watch it with an ex.. it was either laughable or just uncomfortable, but the point is we both wanted to try it). 

Have you asked him whas going on?
I have asked my husband..
The excuses have been long...
I'm too tired.
Ive not showered.
It's too early.
It's too late.
Our son doesn't stay at the grandparents on weekends anymore.
It's not a saturday afternoon (ie not too early, not too late!).
I don't want to stay up late every night (I never asked him to).
You don't wake up early enough.
I'm no good in the mornings.
I'm no good in the evenings.
I'm wrapped up in work.
My elbows hurt.
My knees hurt.
I'm too old (48).
Why do you expect it of me?

There's a kiss goodnight, he holds my hand, strokes my hair sometimes.. but outside of that there's zero passion, or genuine lust (unless it's been a while.. and it's a Saturday).

If you can, get to the bottom of it early. And if you don't like porn then make it known, men do exist that aren't bothered by it and will be more interested in making an effort with you instead.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Nic2020 said:


> To suggest you shouldve walked in and joined in is silly imo, not when you feel rejected. Maybe he shouldve thought about you, closed it down and came to apologise seeing as he knew it wouldve upaet or embarrassed you..


That is a good point! If something happens in a relationship that proves awkward or upsetting, there should be an effort from both to stop and discuss.


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## ken69ok (12 mo ago)

SunCMars said:


> Porn was once mostly girly magazines and expensive 'somewhat' difficult to obtain videos.
> 
> Now, it is a billion dollar industry, even though much of it is free and readily available on the internet.
> 
> ...


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## ken69ok (12 mo ago)

Expecting a blowjob on occasion is not over expecting. Sorry. She should expect me to go down on her also, especially if she enjoys it.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

ken69ok said:


> Expecting a blowjob on occasion is not over expecting. Sorry. She should expect me to go down on her also, especially if she enjoys it.


You should have your Avatar name tattooed on your arm.

That way everyone will know what it is you are about, and where it is, you _come_ from.



_Lilith-_


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Zombie thread


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Zombie Cat has taken ownership of the thread and has closed it down as a Zombie Thread.


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