# Night time



## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

I do good all day long trying to stay occupied, keep my thoughts busy. But at the end of the night thats when the longing and memories come out. Ugh! For some reason this break up feels harder than my divorce. I rationalize that most of the memories ill have again with someone else down the line. But their are certain things we did that I won't do again with anyone else. For example she used to watch dogs once in awhile at people's houses. I would come along with her. Those memories are amazing and im really sad I wont get to do that again.

I've not talked to her in almost a month. Im no where near ready to date anyone. Yet my mind tricks me into thinking she probably already is. Why do our minds do that? It does me no good to think if she is talking with someone the way she used to with me. Or if she has already dated or kissed someone. That thought makes me sick. That maybe she brought someone back to the apartment we shared that just two months ago shared so much promise for us. Ugh I want these to stop. I know she's not a nun and will date and have sex again. I guess I just want her to not be ready to yet. That maybe our relationship isnt that easy to move on from.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You want her to not be ready because to you, that means that you and your relationship were important to her and that she is hurting like you are. Perfectly normal. It SUCKS but its normal to have all the thoughts you are having. Your mind is your worst enemy right now. I can remember my obsessive thoughts were making me so miserable, and that was ME doing it to myself. I finally got so fed up with it, I started yelling out loud at myself "STOP!!" when those damn thoughts were stuck in my head. It really did help even though I felt like an idiot yelling at myself.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

PWD... You just described me. 15+ years with XW and I somehow

walked away with virtually no scars. I walked into a LTR immediately.

Watching UG leave hurt a lot more than XW. Yet I was the one who

blew things up.... did I want to.... he!! no but I had to. I completely get

how things you and her once did, may be done by her and someone new.

Let me say this.... I was speaking with a wise older guy back in 1991

and he told me.... if you treated "1st love" with kindness, she will one day

return and the choice will be yours. I've had many loves in my life but only

four major ones, 1st love (1988-90), 2nd love (1991-96, off n on last two), 3rd

love aka XW (1997-2012), and 4th love (2013-14). First two tried a re-connect

less than 18 months afterwards (one was even married when she tried) and the 

XW started to even before the D was final. The 4th.... I have not spoken to her in

about four months. Will she make the wise old man 4 for 4? She will...but time 

waits for no one. Try dating with no expectations..... just because you date a girl

doesn't mean you are a de facto couple. Just let her know that too going in.

If it makes you feel any better, check out my three main threads... they started 

in November 2012. Hang in there...... start watch Brewers games as you did

when you were young.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Your response is normal. You are looking for her actions after the relationship to validate your feelings. Unfortunately, that kind of path is going to lead to a lot of heart ache on your part.

Your relationship was what it was, and now it is over. Learn to accept that and the pain that comes with it. You have been rejected. The relationship you shared with that person is over. It is sad, you are grieving.

Do not start wishing her back into your life to end the pain, it will only delay it.


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## bkyln309 (Feb 1, 2015)

Totally normal. Its part of the healing process. You will move on at some point but I think its part of grieving.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Part of it I realize is that in my adult relationships I never really validated myself. I looked for validation that I was attractive, or great or whatever else in others. When my I first met my ex gf I was pretty confident at that moment, through our ups and downs of multiple break ups my confidence was shattered. I then looked to her to validate that I was good, or attractive (she constantly told me, even after the break up, that I was the sexiest man she ever dated, that I was all she ever wanted in a man, that I made her so happy in all aspects of the relationship including the bedroom), but unfortunately there were conflicts that we couldn't move past. Now that the validation is gone, I feel worthless, ugly, that I'm not good for someone.

Well I was the same attractive man before I met her. It's not like my looks changed when I met her. I know how to love women, I still have that skill. I know how to take care of myself, provide for myself, etc. 

It just seems that without her in my life telling me how great I am, how I make her feel, how she makes me feel, the affection we share for each other, I feel like I'm less valuable now that I don't have that.

I want to get my confidence back so that I don't get knocked down like that again in life.

I have her on this pedestal now, thinking that she was the most attractive woman I'll ever date, no one will treat me like she did, do the little things for me. When in reality, I want someone better than I had with her. I want the great things I had with her, without the drama, without the multiple break ups, without me feeling like I have to change who I am to please her, or do things that I normally wouldn't do.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

The problem with getting your validation from other people is that when you accept that validation for your self-esteem, you also have to accept the rejection as well.

When your confidence and esteem comes from yourself, you no longer need the validation from others, and therefore won't fear rejection.

But you absolutely should work on not accepting the praise of women that you are in a relationship with. Pragmatically, women are emotional creatures, their assessment of you will be driven largely by their feelings at the time. When you are making them feel good you will be the sexiest man alive. The moment her emotions towards you are negative you will be a POS loser.

You have to be an oak tree. Stable, confident, unmoving. An oak tree doesn't care what you think of it, it just is. The wind can come in acting all crazy and it will still be there, acting indifferent. Work on achieving mastery of yourself before you add in an element of chaos.


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## JustFree (Sep 17, 2014)

COguy said:


> You have to be an oak tree. Stable, confident, unmoving. An oak tree doesn't care what you think of it, it just is. The wind can come in acting all crazy and it will still be there, acting indifferent. Work on achieving mastery of yourself before you add in an element of chaos.


Best quote I have heard in a long time. Touche


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

COGuy I love your quote...thank you so much.

I have already withstood so much this last two months, losing my job, moving further away from my children, moving out of the apartment, breaking up with girlfriend. I know every day forward is a step.

I still get daily anxiety attacks. It sucks because before when I would get them my ex girlfriend would be there to help calm me down (maybe she was an enabler). Now I get them because in part of the separation anxiety I'm having from her. Universe has a funny sense of humor.

I had my first counseling session today, went okay for the most part. They want me to see a psychiatrist about prescribing some anti depression/anti anxiety medication to help me through this time right now. 

I'm coming upon the bewitching hour here. I think I might jump on my parents treadmill then lift some weights. Maybe get some natural highs going

My problem is still controlling the flashback memories or not dwelling in them, and then just not focusing on the "what is she doing now" aspect of my thoughts. My imagination can be quite bad in this situation.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

If you allow it, your mind will play tricks on you.

Pop used to say, "When it's over, it's over. It does not matter if she sells it

or gives it away at a corner. It's over." The 180 is to improve you, 

either for your next g/f or if she comes back around.

It happens more than you think BUT you must get past whatever it was in the past

to make a concise decision for the future.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

JustFree said:


> Best quote I have heard in a long time. Touche


It's a mix between two stories. I won't post it here because not everyone is ready for it, but if you were to Google "Roissy Oak Tree" it will put you on the path.

The second is an old tale from desert monks. A monk went to the enlightened one seeking to reach Nirvana. The teacher said, "Go to the cemetery and praise the dead for 7 days." The monk went to the cemetery and praised the dead for 7 days. He returned and the teacher said, "Now go to the cemetery and curse the dead for 7 days." The monk went to the cemetery and cursed the dead for 7 days. When he returned the teacher said, "When you went to the cemetery and you praised the dead how did they respond?"

"They did not respond."

The teacher continued, "And when you went to the dead and cursed them how did they respond?"

"They did not respond."

The teacher answered, "When you are like the dead, not being moved by praise or criticism, then you will reach enlightenment."


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

COguy said:


> It's a mix between two stories. I won't post it here because not everyone is ready for it, but if you were to Google "*Roissy Oak Tree"* it will put you on the path.


Ugh. Only maybe two of those points are worth a crap and the rest should be discarded, because if you follow them, then you will be a selfish jerk who deserves to be alone. 

Sorry, just sayin....


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