# Wife wants to move back home.....I don't



## medequip

My wife and I have been married for 12 years and have 2 young children. We live in the state that we met in and that I grew up in. She grew up 3 states away but has been here since the late 80s. Recently I have been looking for a new job after 10+ years at my current one. We are also in the process of moving to a different school district in the same county we live in now.

My wife has her parents, a sibling and several aunts, uncles and cousins living back in her home state. Since we were already looking to move and I was looking for a new job, she thought it would be a great idea for us to move back to her home state. The problem is I don't want to move to her home state. I grew up where we live now and still have 2 siblings living here. I love it here and the rest of my family does too. She believes that having our children grow up closer to their grandparents and other family members is a good thing and I agree. But I don't want to live *there*. Nothing against her family as I love them all. I am the breadwinner and she is a stay at home mom. So the move would impact not just where we live but would affect where I work. There aren't nearly as many jobs where she's from than there are where we live now. I find nothing appealing about the town she wants to move to.

The problem is that she set her heart on moving home without getting my input. When she asked me about moving I told her I was apprehensive but would give it a shot and look for a job there. We were running up on the deadline for selling the house and moving so the window was small. But I submitted my resume to 7-8 companies and contacted several recruiters to see about any positions open. I still haven't been able to get a face-to-face interview.

Because of this issue we have had some of the worst arguments ever. Screaming and berating like we have never seen from each other. My thought is that this decision should have been a joint decision between the 2 of us, not one where she rams the move down my throat. 

Last night we were discussing it yet again and it got heated. I just flat out told her I don't want to move there. She said "well, I do." So I got up from the dinner table in a rage and she stood up at the same time and shoved me. She had never raised her hand at me like that and I have never touched her in anger in any way. So this is where we are.

Am I so wrong in not wanting to move back to her home town? Shouldn't it be a decision we BOTH make as a couple?


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## tropicalbeachiwish

Did you originally tell her that you were in agreement to move to her home state or was it more of a "let's see what kind of jobs are there FIRST, then we'll decide"? Were you passive aggressive in any sort of way? 

BTW-her shoving you like that was her way of trying to manipulate & intimidate you. She was very wrong to do that.


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## Lostinthought61

So let me understand this, you are currently living in the state where you grew up, where you met her, where you have all this support and where you have worked most of your life, but now she wants to move to where she grew up and where family is....don't you think you're sounding a little selfish? how do you think she feels not having her family around where you are now......if you can find a job close to where she grew up you owe it too her. Stop being selfish


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## medequip

I told her I was apprehensive but that I would give it a shot. She first brought it up early Jan this year and we only had a few months before putting our house on the market, so the window to make this happen is small. She wanted me to quit my job and then we'd move and then I could find a job after we got there. But I would NEVER quit a job without already having another lined up. And supporting our family on one income means I have to have a 6-figure job to make ends meet. It's not easy finding those jobs, especially in a much smaller town.


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## medequip

Xenote said:


> So let me understand this, you are currently living in the state where you grew up, where you met her, where you have all this support and where you have worked most of your life, but now she wants to move to where she grew up and where family is....don't you think you're sounding a little selfish? how do you think she feels not having her family around where you are now......if you can find a job close to where she grew up you owe it too her. Stop being selfish


My wife has a sibling that lives here and she has numerous friends that she has known over the years. So it's not like she has no support here. Conversely, I have *no* family back where she's from. All I want to do is move to the area that we had been planning for years to move to....not her home town.


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## tropicalbeachiwish

medequip said:


> I told her I was apprehensive but that I would give it a shot. She first brought it up early Jan this year and we only had a few months before putting our house on the market, so the window to make this happen is small. She wanted me to quit my job and then we'd move and then I could find a job after we got there. But I would NEVER quit a job without already having another lined up. And supporting our family on one income means I have to have a 6-figure job to make ends meet. It's not easy finding those jobs, especially in a much smaller town.


I agree with securing a job first. Its the smart thing to do. How about getting an apartment while you continue to look for a job? Or is there a nearby larger city that you could move to instead of the small town? She would still be close to family but yet you would have the job options. Try presenting this as a compromise.


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## Blondilocks

Doesn't she understand that it takes a job to pay the bills? How can she be so dense?


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## 225985

She's not dense. He is no longer a priority for her. It is about the kids and her. 

She is ripe for an affair. SAHM

Plus she will have her parents nearby when the divorce happens. 

Btw, there is no moving BACK if you never lived there. Drop the "back" word. That word bolsters her position.


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## arbitrator

*As the only breadwinner of record here, I'd have to say that your word should predominate!

Having said that, if you did, without reservation, tell your W that you would move and look for employment in her home state or hometown, then you have, indeed, painted yourself into the proverbial corner!*


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## medequip

arbitrator said:


> *As the only breadwinner of record here, I'd have to say that your word should predominate!
> 
> Having said that, if you did, without reservation, tell your W that you would move and look for employment in her home state or hometown, then you have, indeed, painted yourself into the proverbial corner!*


I didn't tell her definitively that I would move. I told her I would give it a shot and try to find a job there so we COULD move. I was totally unwilling to move without first finding a job. I was upfront about my reservations about moving there. But out of respect for her I said I would try. That hasn't been good enough for her.


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## trinityp1990

I am sorry this is so hard for both of you. As another stay at home mom just another perspective... she's at work everyday all day. She never leaves work. Being close to family that could help or give her support after all these years of being there for you might have been something she's hoped for awhile. Maybe the next time you discuss this try to be as non threatening as possible. Start out with "babe your happiness means a lot to me. I love you so much. I never knew how much moving home meant to you after all these years of being settled here." And tell her your concerns, fears and your discomfort moving away from the place you grew all your roots.  I hope y'all work it out 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Married but Happy

You are right. She is wrong. You actually tried to find work where she wants to live, but had no success. How can she fault you for actually trying, despite not wanting to? She will either come to her senses, or she'll have to move by herself. If she wants to do that, however, immediately file for divorce and be sure she cannot leave the state with your children, or you may have a huge problem seeing them in the future. *In fact, since there is nothing now to stop her from doing exactly that at any time, it might be smart to file anyway, to prevent her from taking your kids away.*


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## tropicalbeachiwish

trinityp1990 said:


> I am sorry this is so hard for both of you. As another stay at home mom just another perspective... she's at work everyday all day. She never leaves work. Being close to family that could help or give her support after all these years of being there for you might have been something she's hoped for awhile. Maybe the next time you discuss this try to be as non threatening as possible. Start out with "babe your happiness means a lot to me. I love you so much. I never knew how much moving home meant to you after all these years of being settled here." And tell her your concerns, fears and your discomfort moving away from the place you grew all your roots.  I hope y'all work it out
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


They both have very important roles in the marriage/family. 

What about her shoving him?! Is that not important here? If my spouse did that to me, I'd dig in my heels even more.


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## anchorwatch

arbitrator said:


> *As the only breadwinner of record here, I'd have to say that your word should predominate!
> 
> Having said that, if you did, without reservation, tell your W that you would move and look for employment in her home state or hometown, then you have, indeed, painted yourself into the proverbial corner!*



I fully agree with Arb. Aside from that, you better learn to control your temper and not to get drawn into arguments. If you don't this will only spiral out of your control and what will happen will be dictated by emotions, resentment, and spite. There are ways to argue without hurting each other. Cool heads prevail and that demeanor can allow the other person to trust you're not out to screw them. You can stay on point but lower the volume. Don't take the emotional bait and explode. Calm, reassuring, steady. Leadership. 

Best


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## MattMatt

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> They both have very important roles in the marriage/family.
> 
> What about her shoving him?! Is that not important here? If my spouse did that to me, I'd dig in my heels even more.


:iagree:

I agree with you 100%.

If a husband had shoved his wife, we'd have seen a bit more of the "divorce the violent %$£$er!" kind of stuff.

But then there's also this:-

*She wants her husband to give up his job and try to get a job in a state which seems to have less job opportunities than their home state? Probably with lower wages, too? * :wtf:

What is wrong with this picture? What is she really up to? :scratchhead:


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## Married but Happy

MattMatt said:


> What is wrong with this picture? What is she really up to? :scratchhead:


Hmm. Are the divorce laws (alimony, child support) where she wants to move more favorable to her? She sounds desperate to get away - perhaps she wants to get away from you, too, OP? Is there anything else going on in your marriage, or that has changed in the last year or so, other than this obsession to move "home"?


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## anchorwatch

@medequip, 

Remember in any discussion when she resorts to anger or name calling, it's no longer about the issue. If you lose your temper you fail. 

Read this... http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18347-fitness-tests.html


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## trinityp1990

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> They both have very important roles in the marriage/family.
> 
> 
> 
> What about her shoving him?! Is that not important here? If my spouse did that to me, I'd dig in my heels even more.




Every relationship is different. Not saying what she did was right or defending her but he seems to love his wife so maybe going about it with less anger and more compassion might be more beneficial. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## arbitrator

anchorwatch said:


> I fully agree with Arb. Aside from that, you better learn to control your temper and not to get drawn into arguments. If you don't this will only spiral out of your control and what will happen will be dictated by emotions, resentment, and spite. There are ways to argue without hurting each other. Cool heads prevail and that demeanor can allow the other person to trust you're not out to screw them. You can stay on point but lower the volume. Don't take the emotional bait and explode. Calm, reassuring, steady. Leadership.
> 
> Best


*If I may interject, may I recommend a fantastic book that will greatly assist in this endeavor, called  Verbal Judo by Jerry Jenkins? You can find it @ Thriftbooks, Abebooks, Half Price Books or Amazon.

While it is an older book, it has taught me so much about handling verbal altercations, disagreements, and quibblings with family, customers, and snippy athletic coaches for many years now!

Happy reading!*


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## MattMatt

trinityp1990 said:


> Every relationship is different. Not saying what she did was right or defending her but he seems to love his wife so maybe going about it with less angerPhys and more compassion might be more beneficial.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Physical violence in a relationship is *always* wrong.

There can be no exception. *Ever*.


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## trinityp1990

MattMatt said:


> Physical violence in a relationship is *always* wrong.
> 
> 
> 
> There can be no exception. *Ever*.




Right. Not disagreeing with that. As I am now repeating myself. He still cares about his damn wife and it's not up to anyone else but him to decide what he will and what he won't accept in his marriage. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Diana7

medequip said:


> My wife and I have been married for 12 years and have 2 young children. We live in the state that we met in and that I grew up in. She grew up 3 states away but has been here since the late 80s. Recently I have been looking for a new job after 10+ years at my current one. We are also in the process of moving to a different school district in the same county we live in now.
> 
> My wife has her parents, a sibling and several aunts, uncles and cousins living back in her home state. Since we were already looking to move and I was looking for a new job, she thought it would be a great idea for us to move back to her home state. The problem is I don't want to move to her home state. I grew up where we live now and still have 2 siblings living here. I love it here and the rest of my family does too. She believes that having our children grow up closer to their grandparents and other family members is a good thing and I agree. But I don't want to live *there*. Nothing against her family as I love them all. I am the breadwinner and she is a stay at home mom. So the move would impact not just where we live but would affect where I work. There aren't nearly as many jobs where she's from than there are where we live now. I find nothing appealing about the town she wants to move to.
> 
> The problem is that she set her heart on moving home without getting my input. When she asked me about moving I told her I was apprehensive but would give it a shot and look for a job there. We were running up on the deadline for selling the house and moving so the window was small. But I submitted my resume to 7-8 companies and contacted several recruiters to see about any positions open. I still haven't been able to get a face-to-face interview.
> 
> Because of this issue we have had some of the worst arguments ever. Screaming and berating like we have never seen from each other. My thought is that this decision should have been a joint decision between the 2 of us, not one where she rams the move down my throat.
> 
> Last night we were discussing it yet again and it got heated. I just flat out told her I don't want to move there. She said "well, I do." So I got up from the dinner table in a rage and she stood up at the same time and shoved me. She had never raised her hand at me like that and I have never touched her in anger in any way. So this is where we are.
> 
> Am I so wrong in not wanting to move back to her home town? Shouldn't it be a decision we BOTH make as a couple?


Well, you have had 12 years of marriage living near your family, isnt it fair that you now spend some time near hers?


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## Andy1001

Diana7 said:


> Well, you have had 12 years living near your family, isnt it fair that you now spend some time near hers?


What a ridiculous thing to say.Are they going to live on fresh air.The op has allready said he tried to get a job in his wife's hometown but to no avail.I think she is planning on divorcing him and intends to have a house near her family before she files.


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## MattMatt

Diana7 said:


> Well, you have had 12 years living near your family, isnt it fair that you now spend some time near hers?


Not if it means he cannot have employment at or near the same pay scale he is on now!

But it is actually worse!

Because his wife wants him to pack in his job and move.

And THEN start looking for a job.

That's not fairness. It's insanity!


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## lifeistooshort

Andy1001 said:


> What a ridiculous thing to say.Are they going to live on fresh air.The op has allready said he tried to get a job in his wife's hometown but to no avail.I think she is planning on divorcing him and intends to have a house near her family before she files.


Here's the problem he has: he's already made clear he doesn't want to move and he won't move without a job. He's made it so clear that he resorts to screaming.

I think it's wise to not move without a job, but because the move isn't something he wants his motives are now suspect.

So he's not really going to be motivated to get a job because he doesn't want to go. 

His wife doesn't trust him. 

So he can take the attitude that he wife can shut up because he makes the money and therefore she's less, but how's that going to work for his marriage?

And if they divorce not only will he be supporting her but she can make the argument to a judge that she needs to move in order to get a job and have family support, so he may not be able to force her to stay with the kids.

Besides, he has somewhere else he wants to move so what if she refuses? 

The answer is not to tell her to get bent. Some kind of compromise has to be worked out here, and they have lived by his family for a long time. 

Maybe there's a larger city closer to her family where he can get a job? And maybe part of the agreement should be that she gets a job.


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## Cynthia

Something is going on with your wife besides simply wanting to move back to be near her family. Maybe she is getting pressure from her parents. Is their health failing? Has someone died recently? Did your sex life change before she brought up the move? How was your relationship before she brought up the move?

I don't understand this "small window of time" for selling your house. Is your house on the market already?

Your wife shoving you is unacceptable. Yelling and screaming at each other is unacceptable. You two are not working together for the benefit of the family. You don't have each other's backs. That needs to be resolved before you move away. 

I agree with others that this sounds very suspicious and you could be walking into some sort of ambush if you move away to her family. Certainly hold your ground, but stop with the drama. If she starts to escalate, you do not need to follow her. Remain calm. If you are unable to do that, get some therapy and learn how.


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## SunCMars

Blondilocks said:


> Doesn't she understand that it takes a job to pay the bills? How can she be so dense?



This is the truth in a nutshell. OP, you are being very fair here.

You acquiesced by sending out resumes to her state and area. No job offers. What more can you do?
.......................................................................................................................................................
Tell her that if she can get a job in her area and she can support the family on her salary, you will consider it.

Tell her that you MAY have to sit at home, be a SAHD, in the meantime, while she works and you hunt and peck on your job hunting keyboard.

She is immature.


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## Diana7

Andy1001 said:


> What a ridiculous thing to say.Are they going to live on fresh air.The op has allready said he tried to get a job in his wife's hometown but to no avail.I think she is planning on divorcing him and intends to have a house near her family before she files.


He can carry on applying for jobs there, or the nearest town, until he gets one. 
My husband moved the other side of the world with his first wife. He still lives here 30 years later, now married to me. Its natural that she should want to live nearer to her own family.


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## Andy1001

Diana7 said:


> He can carry on applying for jobs there, or the nearest town, until he gets one.
> My husband moved the other side of the world with his first wife. He still lives here 30 years later, now married to me. Its natural that she should want to live nearer to her own family.


The op has said he needs a hundred grand plus salary to live as they are.That is about two grand a week.How do you suggest he makes that salary while looking for a job in a town with less opportunities than the one his wife wants to leave.What your husband did thirty years ago has no bearing on this situation and I don't really understand why you bring it up.


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## Diana7

Andy1001 said:


> The op has said he needs a hundred grand plus salary to live as they are.That is about two grand a week.How do you suggest he makes that salary while looking for a job in a town with less opportunities than the one his wife wants to leave.What your husband did thirty years ago has no bearing on this situation and I don't really understand why you bring it up.


if they need 100 grand then they are living the high life. Most families could and do live happily on far less than that. 

I bought it up because people do this all the time, leave their families to move elsewhere.


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## Andy1001

Diana7 said:


> if they need 100 grand then they are living the high life. Most families could and do live happily on far less than that.
> 
> I bought it up because people do this all the time, leave their families to move elsewhere.


You have no idea where they live or where she wants them to move to and no idea how much rent,medical expenses,travel expenses etc that they have to pay every month but you can confidently say they are living the high life.That crystal ball you have must have been expensive.Where I live an average three bedroom house costs anywhere between two and three grand a month to rent.So a hundred grand salary might seem a lot(to you) but if one third goes on rent that puts a big hole in it.


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## lucy999

Diana7 said:


> He can carry on applying for jobs there, or the nearest town, until he gets one.
> My husband moved the other side of the world with his first wife. He still lives here 30 years later, now married to me. Its natural that she should want to live nearer to her own family.


I mean no disrespect but that is lunacy. Doesnt matter if they're living the high life or that its natural his wife wants to be near family. That has nothing to do with the fact that bills wait for no one.To move somewhere with a family you have to support without having a job first is ridiculous, nonsensical, and foolish. And frankly, probably a dealbreaker for this girl. Id flip my shyt if my bf or H quit without having another job.

Tell me, how do the bills get paid? Do you have any ideas? Cuz i sure dont. His creditors wont say, "oh okay, you quit your job and moved to your wife's hometown without having another job to report to. Sure, no problem, we'll patiently wait for our money. "

Ridiculous.


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## Middle of Everything

When is where the OP's wife lives NOW and for the past 30 YEARS going to be home? She CHOSE to live where she met OP and married him since the late 80s. So going on 30 years now. Agree with others that something is up that after 30 years its not home or good enough.

And 3 states away is too vague to know whether visiting OPs wife's family more is easy. Back east? Easy. Three states away means going through Montana, Wyoming and Nebraska? Long a$$ trip.


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## jb02157

Since she's a SAHM, they have a tendency to get very demanding like she is. I had to live through that to. The issue here is that you are the only income and if you can't find work where she's from, you have to move where you can find work...that is of course if she wants to step in and provide for the family. When you are a SAHM, since you make no money, your husband has to be able to make the most he can even if it means you have to move away from family. I think that she would lose alot of her attitude if she went back to work.


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## Ursula

I would think that this would be a joint decision between the two of you. While I think she would probably really benefit from being closer to her family, it is a tricky situation, job-wise. Would she be willing to also get a job to contribute to the family income, being that it's much harder for you to find decent work there? That might be an option. But yeah, if my H did this, I wouldn't be happy. He's applied to jobs elsewhere, and I've outright told him that I encourage him to apply, and would encourage him to take the job should he get it, but that I wouldn't be moving with him.



medequip said:


> I told her I was apprehensive but that I would give it a shot. She first brought it up early Jan this year and we only had a few months before putting our house on the market, so the window to make this happen is small. She wanted me to quit my job and then we'd move and then I could find a job after we got there. But I would NEVER quit a job without already having another lined up. And supporting our family on one income means I have to have a 6-figure job to make ends meet. It's not easy finding those jobs, especially in a much smaller town.


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## Diana7

Andy1001 said:


> You have no idea where they live or where she wants them to move to and no idea how much rent,medical expenses,travel expenses etc that they have to pay every month but you can confidently say they are living the high life.That crystal ball you have must have been expensive.Where I live an average three bedroom house costs anywhere between two and three grand a month to rent.So a hundred grand salary might seem a lot(to you) but if one third goes on rent that puts a big hole in it.


Housing in the uk where I live is far far more expensive than there. Many here spend half their salaries on rent or mortgage.


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## Andy1001

Diana7 said:


> Housing in the uk where I live is far far more expensive than there. Many here spend half their salaries on rent or mortgage.


And your point is?


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## Idyit

OP I had almost exactly the same issue for years with my wife. We met in the southeast where she had lived for a long time before we met. All plans and peace were around staying where we met and visiting her family often. 

Later, as she changed her mind I was met with the same sort of insistence and even violence. It took a long time but I did find an opportunity to move us west. Guess what?!? It didn't fix anything. We are now separated with an uncertain future. 

It's your call but I have one suggestion. Look at you. Right now you're getting emotionally, verbally and even physically beat up and all you can think of to do is come here. "No More Mr. Nice Guy"....read it, own it, NOW. Work on you first then the marriage. Location is not your problem.

~ Passio


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## Vinnydee

I have been in your shoes. I accept a transfer to a State 2000 miles away from home shortly after marrying my wife. She was only 20, a virgin and never been away from home before. For me it was a big promotion and even bigger salary. Like your wife, mine got homesick. We had fights about it and she used to cry a lot and be unhappy. It did not take much more of that to realize that she was more important to me than any job. I called the owner of the company to tell him that my wife is very unhappy and if I do not move back home, she will leave me so they could either transfer me or I would have to quit so I could move back home. My wife came first and always does.

Turned out to be the best move I made at the time. My boss said that he would find something for me and he did. He told me that the branch manager of their largest office was retiring and the job was mine if I wanted it. It was not in my home State but it was just a hour's drive from my wife's friends and family. I told my wife and she readily agreed. We were going to make even move money and I was getting control of the largest branch office in the company. So we moved and were able to visit our families on weekends. Her girlfriends would drive down to spend the weekend with us and everyone was happy. I left home at 18 and lived far from home for a few years. I am still a gypsy who does not need to see family more than once every few years. A phone call is good enough for me. I do not have to actually see them but I can using Skype or FaceTime.

In the end you have to do what makes your wife happy. If not you are putting your needs ahead of hers and your needs are not going to emotionally affect you mentally like your wife's needs will do to her. My wife and I have relocated 13 times. My wife had final approval for each move. We are living where we are, to be near my wife's only living relative, her sister. I took a 20% pay cut so that I can work from home 2000 miles from my company. However, I like working from home as I can sit by the pool with a laptop and do my job. My wife is happy and when she is happy our marriage is happy.


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## Andy1001

Diana7 said:


> Housing in the uk where I live is far far more expensive than there. Many here spend half their salaries on rent or mortgage.


I own a house in London and an apt in Edinburgh and where I live in the US is more expensive than either of them.


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## MattMatt

Diana7 said:


> He can carry on applying for jobs there, or the nearest town, until he gets one.
> My husband moved the other side of the world with his first wife. He still lives here 30 years later, now married to me. Its natural that she should want to live nearer to her own family.


But, Diana, she wants him to act like one of those lowlifes on the Jeremy Kyle Show. Just pack in his job, move to a different area and apply for job whilst drawing Social Security, if he can?

Or if not, well, he could always get a job pumping gas, flipping burgers, cleaning cars?

In my opinion he would be better to stay with the job he has got rather than jumping on his wife's flight on Unicorn Airlines.


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## MattMatt

Andy1001 said:


> I own a house in London and an apt in Edinburgh and where I live in the US is more expensive than either of them.


You are right, @Andy1001. An apartment in the heart of the notorious Tenderloin district of San Francisco is on sale currently at $4,000,000.


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## Diana7

Andy1001 said:


> I own a house in London and an apt in Edinburgh and where I live in the US is more expensive than either of them.


I have many friends in different parts of the USA, their housing is far far less expensive than here both to buy and rent. I cant believe how cheap some of their rents are and their homes are usually far larger as well. Land here is far more expensive, which is why housing is as well. 
Cities anywhere are always more expensive, that's why most of us don't live in them. Move 10 miles away and the cost of housing goes down in price dramatically.


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## Diana7

MattMatt said:


> You are right, @Andy1001. An apartment in the heart of the notorious Tenderloin district of San Francisco is on sale currently at $4,000,000.


How about this 3 bed flat in london for £22,000,000($27,000,000). Not unusual in certain parts of london. 
3 bedroom flat for sale in One Hyde Park, Knightsbridge, SW1X


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## MattMatt

Diana7 said:


> How about this 3 bed flat in london for £22,000,000($27,000,000). Not unusual in certain parts of london.
> 3 bedroom flat for sale in One Hyde Park, Knightsbridge, SW1X


Diana, the Tenderloin is the *worst* part of San Francisco. It's like The Gorbals in Glasgow.

Properties in the rest of San Francisco cost up to $30M.


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## *Deidre*

Her reaction is really strange...like what is this sense of urgency to move back to her hometown after all this time? I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to, but it seems like she is making this an urgent thing. Maybe check your phone records...see if there are any numbers that come up on your phone bill from that area that are not family that you recognize...and see if there's a pattern. Does she spend a lot of time on facebook? I don't want to sound cynical, but just seems like there is a sense of urgency...she is shoving you over this?  Just seems really odd, to me.


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## Diana7

MattMatt said:


> Diana, the Tenderloin is the *worst* part of San Francisco. It's like The Gorbals in Glasgow.
> 
> Properties in the rest of San Francisco cost up to $30M.


Beautiful one here for only £1.298 mill.
3 bedroom flat for sale in California, San Francisco County, San Francisco, USA


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## Emerging Buddhist

*Deidre* said:


> Her reaction is really strange...like what is this sense of urgency to move back to her hometown after all this time? I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to, but it seems like she is making this an urgent thing. Maybe check your phone records...see if there are any numbers that come up on your phone bill from that area that are not family that you recognize...and see if there's a pattern. Does she spend a lot of time on facebook? I don't want to sound cynical, but just seems like there is a sense of urgency...she is shoving you over this?  Just seems really odd, to me.


I was thinking this very thing and about to ask on social media habits... this urgency thing and reactions to it does make one wonder.

And if not that way, I hope she has started learning to economize... it takes time and if one thinks going from $100k down to $75k or at worst $50k is easy with a family then someone is in for a rude transition.


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## DepressedHusband

medequip said:


> My wife and I have been married for 12 years and have 2 young children. We live in the state that we met in and that I grew up in. She grew up 3 states away but has been here since the late 80s. Recently I have been looking for a new job after 10+ years at my current one. We are also in the process of moving to a different school district in the same county we live in now.
> 
> My wife has her parents, a sibling and several aunts, uncles and cousins living back in her home state. Since we were already looking to move and I was looking for a new job, she thought it would be a great idea for us to move back to her home state. The problem is I don't want to move to her home state. I grew up where we live now and still have 2 siblings living here. I love it here and the rest of my family does too. She believes that having our children grow up closer to their grandparents and other family members is a good thing and I agree. But I don't want to live *there*. Nothing against her family as I love them all. I am the breadwinner and she is a stay at home mom. So the move would impact not just where we live but would affect where I work. There aren't nearly as many jobs where she's from than there are where we live now. I find nothing appealing about the town she wants to move to.
> 
> The problem is that she set her heart on moving home without getting my input. When she asked me about moving I told her I was apprehensive but would give it a shot and look for a job there. We were running up on the deadline for selling the house and moving so the window was small. But I submitted my resume to 7-8 companies and contacted several recruiters to see about any positions open. I still haven't been able to get a face-to-face interview.
> 
> Because of this issue we have had some of the worst arguments ever. Screaming and berating like we have never seen from each other. My thought is that this decision should have been a joint decision between the 2 of us, not one where she rams the move down my throat.
> 
> Last night we were discussing it yet again and it got heated. I just flat out told her I don't want to move there. She said "well, I do." So I got up from the dinner table in a rage and she stood up at the same time and shoved me. She had never raised her hand at me like that and I have never touched her in anger in any way. So this is where we are.
> 
> Am I so wrong in not wanting to move back to her home town? Shouldn't it be a decision we BOTH make as a couple?



It is a decision you will make as a couple, or you will make it as divorced adults. Personally, I wouldn't move, the kids have built relationships there. I would be a bit more interested in her motives for moving.


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## medequip

*Deidre* said:


> Her reaction is really strange...like what is this sense of urgency to move back to her hometown after all this time? I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to, but it seems like she is making this an urgent thing. Maybe check your phone records...see if there are any numbers that come up on your phone bill from that area that are not family that you recognize...and see if there's a pattern. Does she spend a lot of time on facebook? I don't want to sound cynical, but just seems like there is a sense of urgency...she is shoving you over this?  Just seems really odd, to me.


The urgency is there because we were already planning on putting the house up for sale and moving to another school district in the country we're in now. So her thought was why not move back home since we're moving anyway. Once we have a contract on our house we have to find a new one -- that's the urgency. It's just been exacerbated with the additional "hey, let's move back home" thing.


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## aine

medequip said:


> My wife and I have been married for 12 years and have 2 young children. We live in the state that we met in and that I grew up in. She grew up 3 states away but has been here since the late 80s. Recently I have been looking for a new job after 10+ years at my current one. We are also in the process of moving to a different school district in the same county we live in now.
> 
> My wife has her parents, a sibling and several aunts, uncles and cousins living back in her home state. Since we were already looking to move and I was looking for a new job, she thought it would be a great idea for us to move back to her home state. The problem is I don't want to move to her home state. I grew up where we live now and still have 2 siblings living here. I love it here and the rest of my family does too. She believes that having our children grow up closer to their grandparents and other family members is a good thing and I agree. But I don't want to live *there*. Nothing against her family as I love them all. I am the breadwinner and she is a stay at home mom. So the move would impact not just where we live but would affect where I work. There aren't nearly as many jobs where she's from than there are where we live now. I find nothing appealing about the town she wants to move to.
> 
> The problem is that she set her heart on moving home without getting my input. When she asked me about moving I told her I was apprehensive but would give it a shot and look for a job there. We were running up on the deadline for selling the house and moving so the window was small. But I submitted my resume to 7-8 companies and contacted several recruiters to see about any positions open. I still haven't been able to get a face-to-face interview.
> 
> Because of this issue we have had some of the worst arguments ever. Screaming and berating like we have never seen from each other. My thought is that this decision should have been a joint decision between the 2 of us, not one where she rams the move down my throat.
> 
> Last night we were discussing it yet again and it got heated. I just flat out told her I don't want to move there. She said "well, I do." So I got up from the dinner table in a rage and she stood up at the same time and shoved me. She had never raised her hand at me like that and I have never touched her in anger in any way. So this is where we are.
> 
> Am I so wrong in not wanting to move back to her home town? Shouldn't it be a decision we BOTH make as a couple?


This is a difficult scenario, I have lived in something similar being from different parts of the world. However, the bottom line (pun intended) is that someone needs to make a living to support the family. Your wife sounds spoilt, entitled and a little unrealistic. Tell her, 'darling of course I will move wherever, but it looks like I cannot get a job there so maybe you can consider looking for a job to support the family.' Your wife needs to be realistic. 
We would all love to live in great places but the reality is we need to eat. Sit her down show her the finances, show her how much you need to earn to maintain her and the kids. Then ask her how does she expect you do to this in her town.

Maybe she feels you have had the best of it as you lived near your family for most of your married life, she has missed hers and sacrificed being with them. Tell her you understand this and maybe she can visit them more often, during summers etc. Make it easier for her to do this. Have you been understanding in this regard?


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## m00nman

I think the OP has made the appropriate consolations by applying for jobs in her home town. They had intentions of moving but without securing work a move would be a risk. Never mind what the price of tea in China for any of the rest of you. The OP has done his homework and his due diligence. 

As for the whole "they lived in HIS home town for 'X' amount of years, so why shouldn't it be HER turn" well, that's just poppy****. There's something going on. Maybe her parents are getting elderly and she feels like the clock is ticking or maybe she's reconnected with an old flame or friend on facebook, but really that should be between the OP and his wife. 

OTOH I wonder, how much time does the OP spend with his wife? Do they have a healthy relationship or is the 6 figure job demanding a lot of his time, giving her an opportunity to stray - even if it's in her mind? It's a two way street. Clearly, they need marriage counseling. As for coming down to yelling and shoving, well methinks she doth protest too much. The only thing that I can say to that is when it comes to that, keep cool and tell her that pushing him to get her way is abusive and then walk away until you they both have had a chance to cool off - but don't let it linger past bedtime.


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## Andy1001

Diana7 said:


> I have many friends in different parts of the USA, their housing is far far less expensive than here both to buy and rent. I cant believe how cheap some of their rents are and their homes are usually far larger as well. Land here is far more expensive, which is why housing is as well.
> Cities anywhere are always more expensive, that's why most of us don't live in them. Move 10 miles away and the cost of housing goes down in price dramatically.


It is all about location I completely agree.Some places in the US are cheap but you will find they are not in areas near colleges or near the business sector of any city.The UK is the same,I can remember not long ago an article about housing in Liverpool and Newcastle where houses were for sale for less than ten thousand pounds.The problem is no one wants to live in those parts of the cities.I recently bought a house as an investment for my (unborn) daughter,it is in the same gated estate that I live and is the smallest house there.I can rent it out if I want to and it would bring about forty thousand a month in rent.Like I said location is everything.


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## EleGirl

This discussion of the cost of living in different cities/countries is a thread jack that does nothing to give support to the OP. 

If you want to discuss real estate, start a new thread.

The thread jack stops now.

{Speaking as a moderator.}


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## Andy1001

EleGirl said:


> This discussion of the cost of living in different cities/countries is a thread jack that does nothing to give support to the OP.
> 
> If you want to discuss real estate, start a new thread.
> 
> The thread jack stops now.
> 
> {Speaking as a moderator.}


My apologies.


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## xMadame

I lived in a similar situation with my ex h.

He moved to my country because the job situation was better and it was easier for him to do so than me.

Over the years, this created a lot of resentment and contempt by him.

He had a good paying job, visited his family regularly and spoke with them constantly...however his heart was always home and he threw this in my face and never took the opportunity to make a life outside of his family or me and our children.

We are now divorced and I guarantee that as soon as our kids are old enough he will move back to his home country.

This move is going to make or break your marriage. Guaranteed.

Try to find some common ground or be prepared for the sh!t to hit the fan.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## medequip

xMadame said:


> I lived in a similar situation with my ex h.
> 
> He moved to my country because the job situation was better and it was easier for him to do so than me.
> 
> Over the years, this created a lot of resentment and contempt by him.
> 
> He had a good paying job, visited his family regularly and spoke with them constantly...however his heart was always home and he threw this in my face and never took the opportunity to make a life outside of his family or me and our children.
> 
> We are now divorced and I guarantee that as soon as our kids are old enough he will move back to his home country.
> 
> This move is going to make or break your marriage. Guaranteed.
> 
> Try to find some common ground or be prepared for the sh!t to hit the fan.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


We are going to see a marriage counselor in a few weeks as this will never be resolved by itself. The thing I don't understand is the level of anger on her part. I've never seen her like this. She is a good person and I've always said she has a heart the size of Texas. She admits that once she gets something in her mind and her heart set on it, she runs with it. 
Part of the problem is the medication she is on. She takes many on a daily basis for various reasons. One is an anti-depressant because of other medications and she admits it can make her angrier than she normally would be. Boy does it ever....


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## Cynthia

medequip said:


> We are going to see a marriage counselor in a few weeks as this will never be resolved by itself. The thing I don't understand is the level of anger on her part. I've never seen her like this. She is a good person and I've always said she has a heart the size of Texas. She admits that once she gets something in her mind and her heart set on it, she runs with it.
> Part of the problem is the medication she is on. She takes many on a daily basis for various reasons. One is an anti-depressant because of other medications and she admits it can make her angrier than she normally would be. Boy does it ever....


I'm glad you are going to marriage counseling, but it sounds like she needs some individual counseling as well. These issues need to be dealt with. If I were you, there is no way I would pick up and out of the area with things in this condition with your wife. 

It really seems that there is something deeper going on that need to be addressed for her to suddenly be in such a hurry to move away. For her it is back home, but for you, you are already at home and she made her home there with you many years ago. She's flipping things on you and she's freaking out. The real question is why.


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## medequip

CynthiaDe said:


> I'm glad you are going to marriage counseling, but it sounds like she needs some individual counseling as well. These issues need to be dealt with. If I were you, there is no way I would pick up and out of the area with things in this condition with your wife.
> 
> It really seems that there is something deeper going on that need to be addressed for her to suddenly be in such a hurry to move away. For her it is back home, but for you, you are already at home and she made her home there with you many years ago. She's flipping things on you and she's freaking out. The real question is why.


Her reasons for wanting to move are that we would be closer to her family and our young children will see more of her parents (mine are deceased). She is furious that I don't see all these advantages. I have acknowledged that yes, being closer to our kid's grandparents is a good thing. But I don't have a job there and really don't want to live there anyway.

She said on the phone today that "it's my turn" just as someone mentioned earlier in this thread. But she at least has some family here whereas I have no family back in her home state.


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## Emerging Buddhist

Can you take a week off and go "on the ground" job hunting?

Smaller communities, more personal, shake a few hands...


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## Cynthia

medequip said:


> Her reasons for wanting to move are that we would be closer to her family and our young children will see more of her parents (mine are deceased). She is furious that I don't see all these advantages. I have acknowledged that yes, being closer to our kid's grandparents is a good thing. But I don't have a job there and really don't want to live there anyway.
> 
> She said on the phone today that "it's my turn" just as someone mentioned earlier in this thread. But she at least has some family here whereas I have no family back in her home state.


It would be her turn if that was an agreement that you had, but it wasn't.

The fact that your wife has escalated to violence against you is a serious development. She has crossed a line into believing that what she wants is worth forcing you into whether you agree or not. That has many implications that you would be wise to consider. She needs to calm down. 

You agreed to move so the kids would be in a better school district, is that what you said earlier? What happens when the house sells and you two are at odds? Have you agreed on the area that you want to move to once the house sells?

When the house sells, don't be surprised if your wife tells you she is leaving you and taking the kids. If I were you, I'd be speaking to an attorney to find out what you can do should she take that turn for the worse. I'm not trying to scare you, but I've seen this sort of thing happen and she really seems to be going in that direction.


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## medequip

CynthiaDe said:


> It would be her turn if that was an agreement that you had, but it wasn't.
> 
> The fact that your wife has escalated to violence against you is a serious development. She has crossed a line into believing that what she wants is worth forcing you into whether you agree or not. That has many implications that you would be wise to consider. She needs to calm down.
> 
> You agreed to move so the kids would be in a better school district, is that what you said earlier? What happens when the house sells and you two are at odds? Have you agreed on the area that you want to move to once the house sells?
> 
> When the house sells, don't be surprised if your wife tells you she is leaving you and taking the kids. If I were you, I'd be speaking to an attorney to find out what you can do should she take that turn for the worse. I'm not trying to scare you, but I've seen this sort of thing happen and she really seems to be going in that direction.


That's the thing -- we can't agree on where we are moving. I want to move to the new school district that we had planned on for years. She announced that she wants to move to another state earlier this year. 

We aren't going to sell the house until we come to a resolution about all this.


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## Andy1001

medequip said:


> Her reasons for wanting to move are that we would be closer to her family and our young children will see more of her parents (mine are deceased). She is furious that I don't see all these advantages. I have acknowledged that yes, being closer to our kid's grandparents is a good thing. But I don't have a job there and really don't want to live there anyway.
> 
> She said on the phone today that "it's my turn" just as someone mentioned earlier in this thread. But she at least has some family here whereas I have no family back in her home state.


Op this latest thing would be very worrying to me in your situation.She is determined to get back to her home city and to hell with the consequences.Maybe it is the medication but in your shoes I would not sell my house until I had another well paying job lined up.Discuss with your wife about renting your house out for a few years and if you do move renting an apt for a while until you get settled in to a new job and a new city.
The biggest problem you could have and I don't bring this up lightly is if your wife is planning to divorce you or leave you,you could find yourself homeless and jobless because your wife will want to stay with the children in the house.You need to start investigating everything,phone bills,Facebook messaging, any messaging apps your wife may have on her phone or tablet and maybe hiring a private investigator to see what your wife is up to.This is not unheard of,an unhappy spouse getting her ducks in a row before looking for a divorce.


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## medequip

Andy1001 said:


> Op this latest thing would be very worrying to me in your situation.She is determined to get back to her home city and to hell with the consequences.Maybe it is the medication but in your shoes I would not sell my house until I had another well paying job lined up.Discuss with your wife about renting your house out for a few years and if you do move renting an apt for a while until you get settled in to a new job and a new city.
> The biggest problem you could have and I don't bring this up lightly is if your wife is planning to divorce you or leave you,you could find yourself homeless and jobless because your wife will want to stay with the children in the house.You need to start investigating everything,phone bills,Facebook messaging, any messaging apps your wife may have on her phone or tablet and maybe hiring a private investigator to see what your wife is up to.This is not unheard of,an unhappy spouse getting her ducks in a row before looking for a divorce.


My gut tells me she isn't looking for a divorce, yet. If that were the case she wouldn't care if I wanted to move to her hometown or not, and she clearly does want me there, hence all the arguing. Plus, if she were to divorce me she would have to go back to work outside the home as she is current a stay-at-home mom.


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## Andy1001

medequip said:


> My gut tells me she isn't looking for a divorce, yet. If that were the case she wouldn't care if I wanted to move to her hometown or not, and she clearly does want me there, hence all the arguing. Plus, if she were to divorce me she would have to go back to work outside the home as she is current a stay-at-home mom.


If you bought a house in her home town then you would be really caught if she wants a divorce.She could force you to leave the home,it's not unheard of for wives to make false accusations against their husband and the police will remove YOU from the home.You would have to pay alimony as she hasn't worked in years and also child support.If you listen to one piece of advice on this thread,listen to the people telling you not to sell your house.


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## xMadame

You mentioned that she is on medications.

Get a hold of her meds and do some research on them to see if they are what are causing her to be unreasonable and aggressive.

Your family is in crisis right now and until things stabilize then you need to not sell the house.

Tell her that. And tell her that you will make the right decision for what is best for the entire family together after things are calm and she can be rational.




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## medequip

Andy1001 said:


> If you bought a house in her home town then you would be really caught if she wants a divorce.She could force you to leave the home,it's not unheard of for wives to make false accusations against their husband and the police will remove YOU from the home.You would have to pay alimony as she hasn't worked in years and also child support.If you listen to one piece of advice on this thread,listen to the people telling you not to sell your house.


Like I said earlier -- we aren't selling the house until we come to a resolution on all this.


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## CanadaDry

Approach the situation logically. Reason with her, that you have tried looking for a job without success and it may be some time before you can find one in that area. And even if you do find one there's no guarantee it would pay what you need to provide for the family. 

As for not wanting to move there, I've done that before. I've moved to an area I hated at first, but eventually it grew on me. The key was to make friends in the new area.

And as for her shoving you, calmly tell her that shoving you is not okay, that you would never raise a hand to her and you expect the same level of maturity from her. Try not to let the arguments get so heated.


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## *Deidre*

Regardless of how many reasons she comes up with, moving like this is a joint decision. Not hers alone to make, nor yours alone to make. She should realize the pressure you'd be under if you didn't have work, and moved to another state, and couldn't find work. That would cause a lot of stress in your relationship. I think there is a deeper issue as another poster pointed out...and maybe she thinks moving will make everything better, Idk. I hope you find a compromise.


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## medequip

*Deidre* said:


> Regardless of how many reasons she comes up with, moving like this is a joint decision. Not hers alone to make, nor yours alone to make. She should realize the pressure you'd be under if you didn't have work, and moved to another state, and couldn't find work. That would cause a lot of stress in your relationship. I think there is a deeper issue as another poster pointed out...and maybe she thinks moving will make everything better, Idk. I hope you find a compromise.


THANK YOU! I have told my W repeatedly that I don't want to move without having a job first and thus live under the constant pressure of having to find a job ASAP because there are bills to pay now.


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## Cynthia

medequip said:


> My gut tells me she isn't looking for a divorce, yet. If that were the case she wouldn't care if I wanted to move to her hometown or not, and she clearly does want me there, hence all the arguing. Plus, if she were to divorce me she would have to go back to work outside the home as she is current a stay-at-home mom.


Your conclusion is not necessarily correct. If your wife wants to move back home and divorce you, the smartest thing she could do would be to get you to move the family. You would be unable to leave the state unless you wanted to leave your children behind. She would be with her family and you couldn't do anything about it.

This whole thing is suspicious. Please tell us how your marriage was before this issue came up. How was your sex life? Had it changed? Were there any changes before this was brought up? Are her parents ill? Has she suddenly gotten in touch with old school mates? Has she brought up the name(s) of any men that she is corresponding with?


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## *Deidre*

medequip said:


> THANK YOU! I have told my W repeatedly that I don't want to move without having a job first and thus live under the constant pressure of having to find a job ASAP because there are bills to pay now.


I would also tell her to never shove you again. She needs to realize that your relationship is an equal partnership, not her stomping her feet, and then in the next minute the moving truck pulls up. lol 

Do you both follow faith at all? If so, pray about it. It helps so much to pray about things like this, because if it's meant to be, it will happen as it should. If you are totally against moving, and you do move...it might hurt your marriage. When you marry, your spouse comes before your family, actually...not saying you ignore your family, but you should be the priority in her life, not her family of origin. Just saying. Hope it works out.


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## farsidejunky

CynthiaDe said:


> Your conclusion is not necessarily correct. If your wife wants to move back home and divorce you, the smartest thing she could do would be to get you to move the family. You would be unable to leave the state unless you wanted to leave your children behind. She would be with her family and you couldn't do anything about it.
> 
> This whole thing is suspicious. Please tell us how your marriage was before this issue came up. How was your sex life? Had it changed? Were there any changes before this was brought up? Are her parents ill? Has she suddenly gotten in touch with old school mates? Has she brought up the name(s) of any men that she is corresponding with?


QFT.

At this point, I don't know that I would agree to anything having to do with the move.


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## Cynthia

I recommend that you do some reading of other threads in this forum to get an idea of what people deal with and to make it more clear why people think there is probably more going on here than meets the eye.


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## EleGirl

medequip said:


> THANK YOU! I have told my W repeatedly that I don't want to move without having a job first and thus live under the constant pressure of having to find a job ASAP because there are bills to pay now.


Since there is only one breadwinner in your family, the job is king. You are right. It would be beyond foolish to move before you were hired for a job that is equal or better to what you have now. 

Moving is a joint decision, but it can only be contemplated after you have a solid job offers. If you have two job offers, then you two can decide which you take. But if you have only one job, you live where that job is.

If I were you, I'd see a lawyer just to make sure you know how to protect yourself if she decides one day to move, with your children, without you. She cannot move the children out of the state where you live without your permission. Maybe she is not thinking of doing this. But if she gets angry enough, who knows what she will do.


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## medequip

CynthiaDe said:


> Your conclusion is not necessarily correct. If your wife wants to move back home and divorce you, the smartest thing she could do would be to get you to move the family. You would be unable to leave the state unless you wanted to leave your children behind. She would be with her family and you couldn't do anything about it.
> 
> This whole thing is suspicious. Please tell us how your marriage was before this issue came up. How was your sex life? Had it changed? Were there any changes before this was brought up? Are her parents ill? Has she suddenly gotten in touch with old school mates? Has she brought up the name(s) of any men that she is corresponding with?


Our marriage was fine before this came up. It wasn't perfect but it wasn't anything close to being this chaotic. Sex life could use some improving but it wasn't a huge issue. Her parents aren't ill -- they are in really good health. I don't know if she has suddenly gotten in touch with old school mates or not. But with social media that's usually a given anyway. DON't know about any men she is corresponding with.


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## Diana7

I think that most of you are way off track here. Its quite normal for a woman to want to be nearer to her own family. Maybe she has wanted to for many years and she sees this as an opportunity to do so. She has lived where you want all this time, how about you give her the same opportunity?
You can rent for a time when you get there, and when you get a job you can look for a home to buy near the job. Its far easier to look for work once you are there and can go for interviews etc. 
These ideas of her having an ulterior motive are way off track in my opinion. Her desire is to have what you have had all this time. To live in her home place and be near her family.


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## medequip

Diana7 said:


> I think that most of you are way off track here. Its quite normal for a woman to want to be nearer to her own family. Maybe she has wanted to for many years and she sees this as an opportunity to do so. She has lived where you want all this time, how about you give her the same opportunity?
> You can rent for a time when you get there, and when you get a job you can look for a home to buy near the job. Its far easier to look for work once you are there and can go for interviews etc.
> These ideas of her having an ulterior motive are way off track in my opinion. Her desire is to have what you have had all this time. To live in her home place and be near her family.


It would be foolish for me to quit my job without having another one lined up. Especially when you consider that I am the bread winner in the family and would thus have to live on savings for at the very least several months. And I refuse to put myself in that kind of pressure cooker where the urgency to find a new job is higher.

My wife has been very happy living where we live now. She has some family here and many friends. She was already living here since the late 1980s when I met her so it's not like I drug her here to live in my home state. Conversely, moving to her home state would mean me moving some place where I have no family and no friends. Not the same at all.


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## Diana7

medequip said:


> It would be foolish for me to quit my job without having another one lined up. Especially when you consider that I am the bread winner in the family and would thus have to live on savings for at the very least several months. And I refuse to put myself in that kind of pressure cooker where the urgency to find a new job is higher.
> 
> My wife has been very happy living where we live now. She has some family here and many friends. She was already living here since the late 1980s when I met her so it's not like I drug her here to live in my home state. Conversely, moving to her home state would mean me moving some place where I have no family and no friends. Not the same at all.


You will have family, her family, and you will make friends as she did when she moved there.


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## medequip

Diana7 said:


> You will have family, her family, and you will make friends as she did when she moved there.


So *my* family here doesn't count as *her* family? But if we move there, her family counts as mine?


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## Diana7

medequip said:


> So *my* family here doesn't count as *her* family? But if we move there, her family counts as mine?


I can fully understand why she has that desire to have some time back near her family where she was bought up. You have had many years with yours.


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## Married but Happy

Diana7 said:


> I can fully understand why she has that desire to have some time back near her family where she was bought up. You have had many years with yours.


I can understand the desire to be closer to her family - nothing wrong with that, and all else being equal, I would try to accommodate that if I were him. I do wonder if she is considering the disruption this would have on the children and their friendships - but, that is a secondary consideration to maintaining financial viability. Practicalities outweigh desires. Perhaps she can move there in advance, get a job, and be prepared to support the family so they can all follow her. He can then look for a new job that is suitable, at his leisure, avoiding the stress and unsustainable financial burdens.


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## Roselyn

OP, career woman here, breadwinner, and married 37 years (first marriage for the both of us). It is paramount that you stay where you are with your job. It is definitely unwise to move without a job. I sincerely doubt that your wife can get a job that can support your family, given that she has been out of the job market and is currently a stay-at-home mom. In addition, she is in medication for depression. I don't believe that she is thinking logically, given her medical condition.

You need to look at this scenario realistically. Being in poverty, without a provider means homelessness. I hope you have considered some psychological assistance for her, in addition to her psychiatrist. You need to take the lead in your family and don't waffle. Your children needs a provider for both their physical and mental health. You need to nurture and protect them.


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## Marc878

Roselyn said:


> OP, career woman here, breadwinner, and married 37 years (first marriage for the both of us). It is paramount that you stay where you are with your job. It is definitely unwise to move without a job. I sincerely doubt that your wife can get a job that can support your family, given that she has been out of the job market and is currently a stay-at-home mom. In addition, she is in medication for depression. I don't believe that she is thinking logically, given her medical condition.
> 
> You need to look at this scenario realistically. Being in poverty, without a provider means homelessness. I hope you have considered some psychological assistance for her, in addition to her psychiatrist. You need to take the lead in your family and don't waffle. Your children needs a provider for both their physical and mental health. You need to nurture and protect them.


Exactly, moving just to be close to her family is totally illogical without a job. C'mon!

Check your phone bill.


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## medequip

All replies in this thread are appreciated. To give you an idea of the amount of rage my W has, I found a Valentine's Day card in our kitchen just now. We had the biggest argument of all Monday this week, the day before VD. Needless to say, we didn't exchange cards. But when I saw the card in the kitchen, it was torn in half and sitting on the counter -- to me, a clear intention for me to see it.


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## farsidejunky

Emotional terrorism.

Do not respond to it.


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## Andy1001

medequip said:


> All replies in this thread are appreciated. To give you an idea of the amount of rage my W has, I found a Valentine's Day card in our kitchen just now. We had the biggest argument of all Monday this week, the day before VD. Needless to say, we didn't exchange cards. But when I saw the card in the kitchen, it was torn in half and sitting on the counter -- to me, a clear intention for me to see it.


This is emotional blackmail and she is getting angrier by the day.I think you need to get her to go back to her doctor and get her medication adjusted because this anger,emotional and physical abuse is escalating.Please be very careful around her,maybe consider carrying a var on you or having your phone set to record at all times.I can't stress this enough,if she accuses you of assault then any cop who arrives will make YOU leave the home,no cop will take the risk of spousal homicide or serious assault.If this happens and you have proof of her threatening to or actually assaulting you then she MAY be forced to leave.It is an unfair situation but it is what it is.
Be very careful around her!


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## BobSimmons

Pushing, shoving, torn cards on table, what a toxic atmosphere and it will probably get worse in you don't cave.

Seriously, ever thought of divorce so she can move back home and stay there for the rest of her life if she wants.


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## Cynthia

Diana7 said:


> I think that most of you are way off track here. Its quite normal for a woman to want to be nearer to her own family. Maybe she has wanted to for many years and she sees this as an opportunity to do so. She has lived where you want all this time, how about you give her the same opportunity?
> You can rent for a time when you get there, and when you get a job you can look for a home to buy near the job. Its far easier to look for work once you are there and can go for interviews etc.
> These ideas of her having an ulterior motive are way off track in my opinion. Her desire is to have what you have had all this time. To live in her home place and be near her family.


So physical violence and emotional abuse are okay as long as she gets to move back to Mommy and Daddy? This is absurd. The reason people think there is more going on is that she was just fine until she suddenly had a personality change and is not trying to work with her husband or have his back. She is demanding and trying to force him to do what she wants. It is totally unacceptable.

Why and how did she go from a normal, loving wife to a demanding, violent maniac? That is why so many of us are asking what is going on under the surface. If she had a burning desire to move back to her parents (not back home, because she has made her home with her family where she is right now), why didn't this become apparent before they were preparing to move to a different school district?

She has completely changed her position and is now trying abusive methods to get what she wants. This is an unstable situation. How and why did it destabilize so quickly? This is not simply a normal desire to be near her parents. Something else is going on as well.

To chalk it up to her simply wanting to be near her parents and suggesting the the OP quit his job without a new one to go to is considered foolhardy by most people. If this were a woman posting about a man suddenly demanding she move away from her home to her husband's family and he was using physical violence to try to get his way, would your response be the same?


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## DepressedHusband

medequip said:


> We are going to see a marriage counselor in a few weeks as this will never be resolved by itself. The thing I don't understand is the level of anger on her part. I've never seen her like this. She is a good person and I've always said she has a heart the size of Texas. She admits that once she gets something in her mind and her heart set on it, she runs with it.
> Part of the problem is the medication she is on. She takes many on a daily basis for various reasons. One is an anti-depressant because of other medications and she admits it can make her angrier than she normally would be. Boy does it ever....


Get her off those ****in drugs


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## DepressedHusband

medequip said:


> Our marriage was fine before this came up. It wasn't perfect but it wasn't anything close to being this chaotic. Sex life could use some improving but it wasn't a huge issue. Her parents aren't ill -- they are in really good health. I don't know if she has suddenly gotten in touch with old school mates or not. But with social media that's usually a given anyway. DON't know about any men she is corresponding with.


either the anti depressants are causing brain impairment, a common side effect BTW, or she is planning to leave you and take your children. Call a lawyer, your going to divorce court whether you know it or not.


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## HolyPepa

I'm very sorry that you and your wife had this situation. Did you manage it? Have you found a common solution?


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## seb345

Hmm, and I hate to read this . After reading your story, I believe that your wife is doing you an injustice. And if she wants to move , let her find a job there to solve your financial problem. If you can 't find a job where she wants to live, then let her look for it.


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## Blondilocks

Zombie thread.


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## MattMatt

Sadly, we never found out what happened.

I will PM him.


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## BluesPower

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> What about her shoving him?! Is that not important here? If my spouse did that to me, I'd dig in my heels even more.


Unfortunately, lot's of people don't even notice abuse unless it is a man putting his hands on a woman. Otherwise, you know, it is not really abuse...RIGHT?

OP, is there no middle location that would allow her more access to her relatives. 

Gotta say though, moving like this, with this attitude makes me think she is ready to divorce you and move on. 

You need to really figure out where your marriage is?????


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## MattMatt

Zombie thread. Closing down.


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