# 2 months after husband raped me.



## littleone2011 (Sep 22, 2011)

2 months ago I was raped by my husband. Which I am slowly getting away from safely. I don't have all my affairs in order. I have only told a very close friend. It really bothered me for a few days but I moved passed it. There was a lot going on at the time. So I guess I pushed it in the back of my mind and carried on like nothing was wrong. Now 2 months later it fills like it is all hitting me again. I try and stay busy with work and my child. But like at night when I am all alone sometimes it is really getting to me. All I want to do is lay around and drink. Is this normal and how do I move past it?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Holy cow. I am sorry. I don't have great advice. But I am sorry this happened to you. Counseling is the only thing I can think of. And give yourself time to heal. Maybe going through it is better than getting past it? I could be full of it, I don't know?


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## Illbehisfoolagain (May 7, 2012)

Totally normal for PTSD. PTSD does not have an immediate onset. You were in survival mode at first, pushing it out of your mind, now your brain says its time to deal with it. Don't just lay around and drink though. Alcohol is a major depressant, it will only make things worse, and make it harder for you to plan well to get away.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Please, please, please seek help. While trying to get things in order before leaving sounds like the right thing to do, in this case it may not be--you are living with a violent man. Both you AND YOUR CHILD are at risk. Walk away--call a cab and go to a shelter. They can help you and advise you. You can get legal help to take care of your affairs while being safe. Let us know when you are safe.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

It's delayed shock/trauma/anxiety with elements of depression.

You'll keep running the 'hows' and 'whys' around in your head until you have a narrative that makes sense to you.

You MIGHT need some counselling.

Until then,, you'll make better progress by deliberately trying to 'figure it all out' than by trying to bury it. It'll just sneak up on you when you don't want it to.

Try to do it without drinking. The temporary numbing will result in the sober periods being worse. Then you'll drink more. It's a downward spiral you don't want to get into. You'll resolve nothing if your head isn't clear.

Posting on here/writing things down, will help you organise your thoughts.

Give yourself a week or two to see if you can get it to where you can manage it. If it's still sneaking up on you, making you miserable and causing you to drink, seek specialist help.

It'll haunt you for some time and you'll never forget it,, but in the short term you just aim to manage it. Once you can do that, it'll fade slowly to 'unpleasant memory corner'.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

littleone2011 said:


> 2 months ago I was raped by my husband. Which I am slowly getting away from safely. I don't have all my affairs in order. I have only told a very close friend. It really bothered me for a few days but I moved passed it. There was a lot going on at the time. So I guess I pushed it in the back of my mind and carried on like nothing was wrong. Now 2 months later it fills like it is all hitting me again. I try and stay busy with work and my child. But like at night when I am all alone sometimes it is really getting to me. All I want to do is lay around and drink. Is this normal and how do I move past it?


Yes. All kinds of emotions are normal after a rape. Is he abusive in other ways? What has your husband said about his inappropriate behavoir. I would seek counseling because there are some things that you really can't get over on your own.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

OP. You need sexual assault counseling to help you work through it and be healthy. Very sorry. And angry...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

littleone2011 said:


> 2 months ago I was raped by my husband. Which I am slowly getting away from safely. I don't have all my affairs in order. I have only told a very close friend. It really bothered me for a few days but I moved passed it. There was a lot going on at the time. So I guess I pushed it in the back of my mind and carried on like nothing was wrong. Now 2 months later it fills like it is all hitting me again. I try and stay busy with work and my child. But like at night when I am all alone sometimes it is really getting to me. All I want to do is lay around and drink. Is this normal and how do I move past it?


You need to get into counseling NOW. Do not wait. If you are using self medicating with alcohol to function, you are having a serious problem. 

Please call a rape crisis hotline and/or a domestic violence hotline and get help. They have on-line counseling and crisis help. You need it now.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> One of my sisters was raped by her husband. She had come home from the hospital after having a miscarriage and was sleeping on the couch.
> 
> He came home from partying, drunk, and wanted sex. She said no.. after all she had just had a miscarriage.
> 
> ...


Please tell me she presses charges and divorced him!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

weightlifter said:


> Macho. You ARE fishing right!
> 
> If she is not providing enough sex after trying to repair any causes. Divorce her but don't force her.


Why would you even assume that she is 'not providing enough sex'?


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## IamSomebody (Nov 21, 2014)

Go to _https://rainn.org/get-help_ to start. Don't think you have to deal with everything all at once. Baby steps will help keep you from falling.

I do hope you have filed criminal charges and obtained an order of protection. Is he still in the house with you?

IamSomebody


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

weightlifter said:


> Please tell me she presses charges and divorced him!


This was in 1970.

She tried to press charges. The police told her that a man cannot rape is wife. They would not even press charges for the beating because DV is a domestic issue between spouses.

She did divorce him. 

She got pregnant with her son from that rape. The whole thing messed her up for years.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> This was in 1970.
> 
> She tried to press charges. The police told her that a man cannot rape is wife. They would not even press charges for the beating because DV is a domestic issue between spouses.
> 
> ...


Damn. Get me a time machine to go beat his ass!


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

I'm so sorry for your sister, Ele. And I'm so sorry for the OP. When I was raped it was acquintance rape. I can't even imagine a rape by a husband.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

weightlifter said:


> Damn. Get me a time machine to go beat his ass!


He drank himself to death.. died a few years ago.

She whoever has lived the best revenge there is... to lead a good life.

She went on to have a good life, married (well he eventually cheated and left) but it was good for a long time. She got her BS/MS in mechanical engineering. She is a project manager for a large engineering firm. And she is healthy, happy, has loads of friends, and lives very well.

Sadly her son was murdered when he was 35 by some thugs who broke into his home.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Ugh. I am so sorry that happened to you. Second I am so sorry you had a few idiots post on this thread. 
Please follow the advice about not drinking. Other than that, I have no other advice...I have to believe you know what is best for you. But I promise the drinking won't help and will only hurt you and your children.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Little you said you carried on as if nothing happened. I assume you did not report the assault to the police? Reporting an assault is an important step in healing. If you don't, you may not be able to put this behind you. 

How important are your feelings, safety and that of your child? If you let this go unchallenged then you are saying that you are not important. That's not true so don't act as if it is. Would it help to have someone go to the police with you? Maybe a professional (social worker), or family member.


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## Angelou (Oct 21, 2014)

littleone2011 said:


> Is this normal and how do I move past it?


No it's not. Could be PTSD. How do you just forget this type of thing? You don't. Trauma has happened, requiring healing. Seek some assistance, you can't do it alone. And shame on him, he should be in jail.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Catherine602 said:


> Little you said you carried on as if nothing happened.


I took this,,,



littleone2011 said:


> 2 months ago I was raped by my husband. Which I am slowly getting away from safely. I don't have all my affairs in order.


,,, to mean that she had put a safe distance between herself and the àsshole.

Not exactly clear, is it?


If she's still with him,, any advice we give her will be akin to advising a heroin addict to quit while they share an apartment with their dealer.

Embarking on a recovery process will be impossible if she's under the same roof as an unrepentant, unpunished abuser.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

Flying_Dutchman said:


> I took this,,,
> 
> 
> 
> ...


She said she is trying to leave safely. He may be a very abusive man and if she doesn't leave safely he may kill her. The most dangerous time for a woman is when she is leaving an abusive relationship. That is when a woman is killed because he is losing control. It may be that right after it happened she was in shock and could not process what had happened.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I've cleaned up the thread. Some posts were offensive and a few quoted the offensive posts so those were deleted as well. Now back to giving advice to the OP...


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Pooh Bear said:


> She said she is trying to leave safely. He may be a very abusive man and if she doesn't leave safely he may kill her. The most dangerous time for a woman is when she is leaving an abusive relationship. That is when a woman is killed because he is losing control. It may be that right after it happened she was in shock and could not process what had happened.


Yes this. At this point the only useful advice we can give her is to tell her that her feelings are normal given her trauma and not to use alcohol. If he raped her I can only assume that he is abusive. If she is living with him, she probably does not feel that she can safely report to the police.


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

Coffee Amore said:


> I've cleaned up the thread. Some posts were offensive and a few quoted the offensive posts so those were deleted as well. Now back to giving advice to the OP...


Thank you, Coffee Amore.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Pooh Bear said:


> She said she is trying to leave safely.


I wish it were that clear. Your interpretation implies only planned progress, yet to be enacted.


What she said was,,



littleone2011 said:


> Which I am slowly getting away from safely.


,, which implies some safe action has already been taken.

I'm not quibbling,, clear certainty is essential here.

Example - "Call a crisis line" is great advice if she's established some safe distance.

It's the worst possible advice if she's only planning and her attacker is monitoring her call.

Precisely because, as you (nearly) correctly state,,,



Pooh Bear said:


> He may be a very abusive man and if she doesn't leave safely he may kill her. The most dangerous time for a woman is when she is leaving an abusive relationship. That is when a woman is killed because he is losing control. It may be that right after it happened she was in shock and could not process what had happened.


Her (quoted) statement is ambiguous. If it weren't, we wouldnt've interpreted it differently. The wrong interpretation could result in well meaning but dangerous advice. It matters.

The rest I know. My first reply was about delayed shock and trauma. Not sure why you're posting that 'at' me.

The "(nearly)"?
There's no "he MAY BE a very abusive man",,, he IS one. No ambiguity there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

Flying_Dutchman said:


> I wish it were that clear. Your interpretation implies only planned progress, yet to be enacted.
> 
> 
> What she said was,,
> ...


I'm not going to argue with you. This poster needs support now. People in abusive situations know their abusers well and know what steps they need to take. I trust that she knows what she needs to do to get to safety. She doesn't need judgement.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Pooh Bear said:


> I'm not going to argue with you. This poster needs support now. People in abusive situations know their abusers well and know what steps they need to take. I trust that she knows what she needs to do to get to safety. She doesn't need judgement.


Who's arguing? I'm replying to your quoting and lecturing me.

I flagged an ambiguous statement,, the wrong interpretation of which could result in potentially dangerous advice.

You jumped in with your (apparent) lecture which, had you read my first post, you'd know wasn't a lecture I required.

Now you're digging yourself a deeper hole (which I would've ignored had you not quoted/addressed me a second time.)

These forums are awash with OPs who neither recognise abuse nor how to escape situations or partners they don't understand. If they knew what steps to take, they wouldn't be asking. No judgement from me. You're judging her capable.

You've a remarkable gift for extracting certainty from ambiguity. I'll cross my fingers that it results in no harm.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Sorry to hear about your plight.

First and foremost, if you haven't already done it, get yourself and your child away to safety - far away from this piece of infected sh!t! 

Second, report him and get a restraining order.

Follow up and get him locked up.

He is pure filth for raping a woman. To do this to someone he professed to love and is also the mother of his kid is even worse.


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## littleone2011 (Sep 22, 2011)

Sorry I am just now responding back. I only have limited time to read and respond back. Yes I am still living with him. I don't have anywhere to go and haven't got all my stuff in order. As of right now I am safe I have learned how to keep him calm and to have sex with him whenever and how he wants. He is not a very violent man. He has only layed his hands on me a few times and has not done anything to me since the rape. I am just really struggling to deal with it. My calls and where I am going is monitored. So I really can't call or see a therapist until I leave. I am pretty sure he has another women so as bad as it sounds maybe he will loosen up on me to where I can get help. Thank you all for the advice.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Where do you live (country) ? If it is the US or Europe, I cannot believe that you are still living with him.

He is continuing to rape you and you are now starting to accept this as the norm. This is very very wrong - no just for you but for your kids too - they are smarter than you think.

Why can you not report him ?


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## littleone2011 (Sep 22, 2011)

manfromlamancha said:


> Why can you not report him ?


He is my husband the father of my kid.
I live in a very small town he is highly respected and everyone loves him. No one would believe me and he would get away with it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you have any family or friends who you can confide in?

How close is the nearest big city, or at least a lot bigger than where you live.

I take it that you do not have a job. Is that right?


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## littleone2011 (Sep 22, 2011)

Yes I have a job. I really can't turn no where for help and I am embarrassed also. I am waiting on the perfect time to leave. I am saving up my money to find a place. So for now I have to stay and deal and make him happy.
I just really don't know how to move past it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you have an exit plan or safety plan? Have you seen those?

I have no doubt that your feel embarrassed. that is a normal reaction. Staying as you are probably adds a lot to that feeling. You need to fight it because you have nothing to be embarrassed about.

While you are work, can you make phone calls?

If so can you call a domestic abuse hotline? I can get you number. They can put you in touch with an organization that can help you.


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## Canon in D (Aug 24, 2014)

*Re: Re: 2 months after husband raped me.*



littleone2011 said:


> Yes I have a job. I really can't turn no where for help and I am embarrassed also. I am waiting on the perfect time to leave. I am saving up my money to find a place. So for now I have to stay and deal and make him happy.
> I just really don't know how to move past it.


I am so sorry that you have to endure this. Can you share this with a friend for support and make calls to see a therapist while you are at work?


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