# Am I emotionally stunted?



## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Had a few conversations at MC that have me wondering if I have a completely different outlook on life than most people my age... not being sarcastic, just trying to take a hard look at myself and my marriage. (I am 41.)

Conversation #1: Tried to open up and say I felt like we didn't have much time together as a couple, and was tired of feeling like I had to schedule weeks in advance to get some one-on-one time with my wife. W countered me, and MC implied to the effect of "Your wife works, and you have children. She comes home, does her share of cleaning and feeding the kids. They go to bed, she's tired and needs time to herself. She is offering to schedule 2 hours a week to be with you. This is real life. She can't escape her life to be with you just because you want her to." The implication has been that because of my childhood, I may not have grown emotionally enough to see that this is how most adults spend their married lives.

Is it fair to say that most marriages have their spouse spending 2 hours a week with them? I never in a million years would have got married if I thought that.

Conversation #2: W: "I have tried so many things but nothing seems to phase you right now." 

I had the realization that this is pretty true. My wife has been trying things which, if she had tried years earlier, probably would have put me on cloud 9... but right now it's not doing anything for me. Is it possible you can lose your ability to receive love from someone? That's how it feels to me. If that's true, is there any way to get that back?

Thanks for any thoughts.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I don't think I like your MC. Only 2 hours a week? Really? 

In the book his needs her needs he says marriages need a minimum of 15 hours a week.

This is probably why nothing your wife tries is working. See conversation #1.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Have you read _The Five Love Languages_ by Gary Chapman? Your post is a good illustration of the those principles at work (or in your case--them not working). Conversation #1 tells us that your love language is "quality time". Conversation #2 tells us your wife is doing everything but giving you "quality time". Hence, you feel unloved.

My estranged husband never could understand that my love languages were different from his. I required "quality time" and "acts of service" to feel loved. Yet, he never provided those things. Hence, I felt unloved.

You aren't emotionally stunted, just emotionally different from your wife--i.e. you have different love languages.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Acorn said:


> "Your wife works, and you have children. She comes home, does her share of cleaning and feeding the kids. They go to bed, she's tired and needs time to herself. She is offering to schedule 2 hours a week to be with you. This is real life. She can't escape her life to be with you just because you want her to."


Are you serious??? Two hours a week? Escape her life? She's offering? Is this some kind of negotiation or a marriage. Sorry, it sounds more like she is trying to escape from you. That is not meant in a harsh way to-wards you in the least. A few years ago when my marriage was in the crapper someone on the forum gave me some very solid advice. If you don't spend time together the relationship will wilt and die. If the marriage is in trouble one of the priorities needs to be to spend quality time together as a couple or as a family. Not discussing issues, harping, venting or complaining. Just spending time together. Sounds like you are working against a stacked deck. I'd find a new MC or at the least find an IC that can work with you. JFTR, my wife and I both work, have long days and are raising kids that need to be fed, helped with homework, home projects...... We spend about 40 hours together each week.


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

Amplexor said:


> Are you serious??? Two hours a week? Escape her life? She's offering? Is this some kind of negotiation or a marriage. Sorry, it sounds more like she is trying to escape from you. That is not meant in a harsh way to-wards you in the least. A few years ago when my marriage was in the crapper someone on the forum gave me some very solid advice. If you don't spend time together the relationship will wilt and die. If the marriage is in trouble one of the priorities needs to be to spend quality time together as a couple or as a family. Not discussing issues, harping, venting or complaining. Just spending time together. Sounds like you are working against a stacked deck. I'd find a new MC or at the least find an IC that can work with you. JFTR, my wife and I both work, have long days and are raising kids that need to be fed, helped with homework, home projects...... We spend about 40 hours together each week.


Good post, good advice. Last bit, very jealous; only together about 10 days on 10 days off and inevitably some of that time has by definition to be discussing 'issues' (and probably harping, venting and complaining) because we're not together to do it on an as and when basis. 
Jealous.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Thanks for your comments.

I agree about the love languages... I definitely speak quality time. I like to sit down and talk about fun, light topics and/or bond over a similar activity. We used to do this all the time, either by taking day trips together, visiting cities, or just watching movies together when we were dating and before kids.

Lately, when I have asked for this, my wife has always said, "Why can't you be happy with what I give you?" She does quite a bit of work doing (what I consider) unnecessary acts of service, and I always thank her, but honestly I feel like she'd do those things even if I wasn't there.

I admit that I almost dislike our time together now - it feels very forced. This has confused her, and actually has her trying a little harder. I wish I knew how to get "it" back. Seems ironic that after years of trying to get something, when I finally get progress it is having the opposite effect.


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

Acorn said:


> (SNIPS)
> I agree about the love languages... I definitely speak quality time. I like to sit down and talk about fun, light topics and/or bond over a similar activity. We used to do this all the time, either by taking day trips together, visiting cities, or just watching movies together when we were dating and before kids.
> 
> .


As I've posted in another thread only today, I find myself increasingly confused by love languages. The principle I think is valid, the definitions probably accurate - it's just whether the system is designed to define how a person wishes to be SHOWN love or how a person instinctively prefers to SHOW love. Which is it?


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

I think they are one in the same. My wife is "Acts of Service" so when I do things for her, she feels loved. Bye the same token, she does a ton of stuff for me to show me that she loves me. Unfortunately, MY language is "Physical Touch" so her acts of service do not reinforce me.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Acorn said:


> Thanks for your comments.
> 
> I agree about the love languages... I definitely speak quality time. I like to sit down and talk about fun, light topics and/or bond over a similar activity. We used to do this all the time, either by taking day trips together, visiting cities, or just watching movies together when we were dating and before kids.
> 
> ...


You maybe resentful, possibly about not getting quality time in the past. Resentment is passive anger and dislike for another person. Resentful people are revengeful people, in that they want to “get their own back”. So in your own way you may be “punishing” your wife. I believe people can do these things without true conscious awareness of doing them. Or at least without conscious awareness of the affect these things have not only on others, but on themselves as well. Passively angry people not only punish, they also persecute, in that they are never satisfied that the other person has been “punished enough”.

If you recognise any of this in yourself, the only antidote/cure to it all is forgiveness. Once you’ve forgiven and gotten rid of your resentment, you can then look at your marriage (and yourself and your wife) as they are “today” and move forward from there. Life, ourselves, our partners, our marriage does change, it constantly changes. Sometimes we have to “play catch up”. I agree with the others in that you should change your MC.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

madimoff said:


> As I've posted in another thread only today, I find myself increasingly confused by love languages. The principle I think is valid, the definitions probably accurate - it's just whether the system is designed to define how a person wishes to be SHOWN love or how a person instinctively prefers to SHOW love. Which is it?


My wife and I get in this debate. She believes that her language is acts of service and if she cleans dishes, that is showing her love to me, and I should be appreciative of that.

I tell her that that my language is quality time and in order to feel loved, I need her to put down the dishes and sit with me and talk and dream about what the future can be together.

Madimoff - to answer your question, I cannot help but feel that if you spoke English and I spoke Russian, and a giant piano was falling on your head, you'd appreciate it if I yelled "MOVE! LOOK OUT! PIANO FALLING!" in English, no matter how broken it was.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Acorn said:


> My wife and I get in this debate. She believes that her language is acts of service and if she cleans dishes, that is showing her love to me, and I should be appreciative of that.
> 
> I tell her that that my language is quality time and in order to feel loved, I need her to put down the dishes and sit with me and talk and dream about what the future can be together.
> 
> Madimoff - to answer your question, I cannot help but feel that if you spoke English and I spoke Russian, and a giant piano was falling on your head, you'd appreciate it if I yelled "MOVE! LOOK OUT! PIANO FALLING!" in English, no matter how broken it was.


Acorn, the 5LL is a two way street. You do not need to have the same love languages. My wife and I don't. If acts of service is hers you need to speak to her in that language. Pitch in with the dishes or tidy the house before she comes home, if that's what's needed. She in turn needs to speak your and spend the extra time with you. You can't make both of your love languages the same, you just need to be cable to speak each others.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Amplexor said:


> Acorn, the 5LL is a two way street. You do not need to have the same love languages. My wife and I don't. If acts of service is hers you need to speak to her in that language. Pitch in with the dishes or tidy the house before she comes home, if that's what's needed. She in turn needs to speak your and spend the extra time with you. You can't make both of your love languages the same, you just need to be cable to speak each others.


Yes, sorry, I was very one sided in my post but I try very hard to do service acts for her. I find it odd that sometimes just sweeping the floor unasked means more to her than many other things I could do for her. It is not natural for me but I try to roll with it.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Acorn said:


> Yes, sorry, I was very one sided in my post but I try very hard to do service acts for her. I find it odd that sometimes just sweeping the floor unasked means more to her than many other things I could do for her. It is not natural for me but I try to roll with it.


You can work your love languages together. If you can do some of the home chores as your AOS that gives her more time for your QT. My wife and I do the same thing. My LL is physical touch, hers is QT. We spend part of our evenings, each night sitting together snuggling or holding hands and talking about our days. It's a good fit.


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## dojo (Jul 4, 2011)

I'll play the devil's advocate here. From what I hear from "conversation 1" is that your wife has A LOT ON HER PLATE. I don't know how both your schedules are or how you're both involved in all the family stuff, but, if I was working and having to do house chores, see about the children etc. I'd have NO TIME FOR ANYTHING BUT SLEEP. She might be tired and overworked. And in this situation you don't need quality time, you need sleep.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

dojo said:


> I'll play the devil's advocate here. From what I hear from "conversation 1" is that your wife has A LOT ON HER PLATE. I don't know how both your schedules are or how you're both involved in all the family stuff, but, if I was working and having to do house chores, see about the children etc. I'd have NO TIME FOR ANYTHING BUT SLEEP. She might be tired and overworked. And in this situation you don't need quality time, you need sleep.


This week, we have each got up at 7:15ish. We each take one child to day care. We each work full time jobs. We each have picked up one child and brought them home. I cooked on Monday and she went out with her girlfriends until 8:30, my inlaws/grandparents took everyone out on Tuesday and Wednesday and we stayed out until about 8:15 both days. She was in bed at 9:30 all three days, using the last hour to do that farm game on Facebook.

Tonight is another girls night and Friday is the Harry Potter debut so I'm bracing for that. 

Anyway, I too think her schedule is way overbooked and tbh I think I am justified for feeling a low priority in her life. I have told her that I think she should spend a couple months on a one-family-visit per week and one-girls-night per week rationing to try to rediscover her marriage - not gotten much traction with that.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Acorn said:


> Anyway, I too think her schedule is way overbooked and tbh I think I am justified for feeling a low priority in her life.


Sorry, worse than that, you're an afterthought.

Continuing down this path will only lead to divorce. Find a new MC.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Acorn,

You sound like a very nice guy. You simply want to have a conversation with your wife and have her make you a priority.

Sorry dude. It doesn't work that way. You are speaking to her as if she's a man. She is not responding to that and she likely will not respond to that.

Here's a link for you to review.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html

I'd read everything in there. I'll bet you see yourself in many of these threads.

You can kick it around with us in the Men's Clubhouse.

You're not alone. But, there is hope.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Wow! I couldn't help but feel stunned by the incompetance of the MC. My wife also feels sleighted by our time together, but our current counselor helped her to see that two hours per day is not my love language unless some of it is positive. We're really improving by making sure that this time meets both of our needs.

You shouldn't feel selfish if you rate lower that her computer game, especially if she goes to bed by 9:30. I spend time with my wife, then wake at 4:00 to work on my own interests. I'm a morning owl, and never sleep more than five hours anyway, but we worked out a plan that works for us. You have to find a recipe that works for both of you, but first, she has to decide if she wants a husband or roomate.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Acorn,

I was interested in this topic because I am emotionally stunted. So I was curious as to why you felt that way. I do remember having kids in daycare and working off schedules. What I am unable to understand is interfering in-laws and girls nights out. I completely agree that your wife's schedule is full of the things that will bring disaster to your marriage. 

So my analysis for what it's worth. Life doesn't just happen, her schedule is not a realistic recipe for a successful marriage. To give the counselor the benefit of the doubt perhaps she was trying to get you to appreciate the two hours a week as a first step. To me that's a starvation diet. 

Part 2. If your wife is deliberately planing as much time as possible away from you, it follows that she doesn't enjoy time with you. Why is no one addressing this? Especially the counselor? 

About point 2 in your original post. That is emotional damage, not under development. 

M N


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

My case is really kinda messed up.

I grew up in an abusive home. I learned to bury things that bothered me. I got very good at ignoring and not addressing things that bothered me. I have been in IC and it has taken me a couple years to really understand this.

My wife is very unemotional... she was sexually assaulted at one point in her life, and her siblings violently attacked her a number of times. (I did not know this until recently.)

When we had kids, she gravitated toward them and slowly withdrew from the marriage - first out of the bedroom and then pretty much out of the house whenever she can. As for me - I did what I always did, I saw the best in her as I could, and I went on.

I've broken out of my childhood mentality and tried to take the lead and fix this thing over the last couple years, but I think I just cause problems. For instance, she would always say, "You can do what you want tonight, but I'm just going to lay here." I've started trying to explain to her that isn't what intimacy is supposed to be. She on the other hand believes that she is a sexually fulfilling wife, because she makes herself available.

It is seriously messed up and we are both to blame. I keep trying to tell her, "I could be you. We are both trapped in our past. I just happen to be the one who woke up first." But she does not understand and every attempt I make just makes her feel inadequate and worthless.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

You're not emotionally stunted. I think, if anything, you are attuned to your feelings. You just happen to be feeling BAD feelings.

What I'm hearing is that your needs are not being met on a number of fronts: Time together, passionate sex life... And as a result you are feeling more and more numb towards her, to the point that you don't want to spend time with her anymore. 

I can tell you that when a spouse say's "you can have sex with me, but I'm not going to participate" it is extremely hurtful, because it basically induces a kind of shaming for wanting to be sexual. 

The man up stuff may be of help. My 2cents is that you'll need to do something to shake up this situation, which may including separation. She's not motivated to make you important right now, and talking about it isn't getting you anywhere.

Oh, and marriage counsellors are often bad at it. So trust your gut and don't let the counsellors "authority" sway you. You do need to accept things that feel bad to you.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Acorn said:


> This week, we have each got up at 7:15ish. We each take one child to day care. We each work full time jobs. We each have picked up one child and brought them home. I cooked on Monday and she went out with her girlfriends until 8:30, my inlaws/grandparents took everyone out on Tuesday and Wednesday and we stayed out until about 8:15 both days. She was in bed at 9:30 all three days, using the last hour to do that farm game on Facebook.
> 
> Tonight is another girls night and Friday is the Harry Potter debut so I'm bracing for that.
> 
> Anyway, I too think her schedule is way overbooked and tbh I think I am justified for feeling a low priority in her life. I have told her that I think she should spend a couple months on a one-family-visit per week and one-girls-night per week rationing to try to rediscover her marriage - not gotten much traction with that.


Try Saturday or Sunday mornings. My wife and I have three kids and full schedules as well. We used to get into arguements over schedules and surprise events. But then we made time to go over our schedules once per week which included planning some time together as well. So what we did is used the fine china Saturday and/or Sunday morning and have a nice breakfast away from the kids to talk and schedule. It helped reduce the aurguments because things were better planned and surprises were reduced. We worked as a team and would support each other with scheduling time with others as well.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Well, Acorn, 

That certainly opens up the perspective. I would latch on to those two hours. They would become the most inviolable 2 hours of the week. Then I would make sure that I had something good planned every week. The way I see it, 2 hours is all she can give you emotionally. The only way you will get 3 is by making those 2 the best and most important hours in every way. BTW, they should probably not happen at home.

M N


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Mr. Nail said:


> Well, Acorn,
> 
> That certainly opens up the perspective. I would latch on to those two hours. They would become the most inviolable 2 hours of the week. Then I would make sure that I had something good planned every week. The way I see it, 2 hours is all she can give you emotionally. The only way you will get 3 is by making those 2 the best and most important hours in every way. BTW, they should probably not happen at home.
> 
> M N


Disagree.

Until he does the 180, those 2 are more likely to become 1 or zero before they grow.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

_"You can do what you want tonight, but I'm just going to lay here."_

Wow....just...WOW. Really??


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