# Is Retrouvaille a Move in the Right Direction for R?



## JGY415

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/63575-bad-bay-area-break-up.html

Little back ground above. Quick update since it has been a couple months. I moved out on my own as of Jan 2. Was really hard, but have been getting through it. During February wife says she may want to try on us. We try for approx. 2 weeks hanging out, dinners, ballet, staying at house. After 2 weeks, I get the "This feels like friends" line. Sure there has been a bare min. of EA, no proof of PA looked at FB, emails, chats, IG, phone. Dose not mean one is going on. 

So go bare minimal contact since, and we have run every emotion from being friendly to hating each other to on the brink of filing. Well approx. 2 weeks ago she blows me up texting and calling buzzed. I love you, I need you, you have hurt me, ect. I don't answer until after almost an hour of texting and calls non stop. I go over we talk. She is hurt, does not know what to do. We go to beach in morning and talk more. She is crying, and wants us to work but is scared and can't trust me. She agrees to got to Retrouvaille in April. I am shocked, she was so against this previously. 

We have been good the past week and a half. I keep contact at a minimum. MC stated we spend 1 day a week with each other/date, 1 day a week as a family with girls, and 1 day a week communicating for 15-20mins. Lots of baby steps, and a complete change in wife's behavior and attitude. I am being VERY GUARDED because of the last time I ended up just a friend. I beleive I may have moved WAYYYYY to fast at that time. Just want some open honest opinions or statements about our chances, especially with the development of her going to Retrouvaille. Thanks in advance!!!


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## anchorwatch

Is Retrouvaille a Move in the Right Direction for R?

YES!


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## JGY415

anchorwatch said:


> Is Retrouvaille a Move in the Right Direction for R?
> 
> YES!


Thank you for the response, but could you give me a few more details..... what should I be doing up until the weekend still about 3-4 weeks out. Thanks!


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## JGY415

C'mon folks I know there has to be some great advice out there help me out lol.....:smthumbup:


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## EleGirl

Yes, it's a great idea. 

I've heard very good things about Retrouvaille and about the Marriage Builder long weekend.

Either one is a great idea.


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## JGY415

EleGirl said:


> Yes, it's a great idea.
> 
> I've heard very good things about Retrouvaille and about the Marriage Builder long weekend.
> 
> Either one is a great idea.


Thanks EleGirl! Optimistic, but still very guarded!


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## EleGirl

My ex and I did a Marriage Encounter weekend with our Church. It was very good but nowhere near as intense as either Retrouvaille or Marriage Builder. 

It did help for a couple of years. There are local groups that meet once a month that we then joined. I got a lot out of it.

But the good work did not last longer because my husband never gave up the worst things he was doing. He was still cheating online, he still would not get a job, help even with his own kids or help around the house. 

I was still working full time and doing every thing in the house and with the children.

So I was the one who put a stop to the work they tell a couple to do. I just felt like he was doing the fun part and not doing any of the real work on the relationship and family.

So I guess my message is that these kinds of programs can be great and a very good jump start to a renewed life. I met many couples who said it fixed their lives years after they went. Some go every few years for a refresher.

But if even one person in the couple does not do what is needed and just plays along.. it does not work. 

So make sure you and she take it seriously even after. It's like a diet.. you can use a few lbs on a diet. but as soon as you go back to the old eating patterns the weight comes back on. But change your life style and you lose the weight and keep it off forever.


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## JGY415

EleGirl said:


> My ex and I did a Marriage Encounter weekend with our Church. It was very good but nowhere near as intense as either Retrouvaille or Marriage Builder.
> 
> It did help for a couple of years. There are local groups that meet once a month that we then joined. I got a lot out of it.
> 
> But the good work did not last longer because my husband never gave up the worst things he was doing. He was still cheating online, he still would not get a job, help even with his own kids or help around the house.
> 
> I was still working full time and doing every thing in the house and with the children.
> 
> So I was the one who put a stop to the work they tell a couple to do. I just felt like he was doing the fun part and not doing any of the real work on the relationship and family.
> 
> So I guess my message is that these kinds of programs can be great and a very good jump start to a renewed life. I met many couples who said it fixed their lives years after they went. Some go every few years for a refresher.
> 
> But if even one person in the couple does not do what is needed and just plays along.. it does not work.
> 
> So make sure you and she take it seriously even after. It's like a diet.. you can use a few lbs on a diet. but as soon as you go back to the old eating patterns the weight comes back on. But change your life style and you lose the weight and keep it off forever.


Much appreciated, hopeful I believe she is also. One of my baby steps was to have her call me just to talk about anything not R or kid related........happened 3 times today. Thing I have learned through all of this thus far is she is a want, not a need and I will be just fine with out her if we don't work out. I hope we do, but I am young with a lot of life and love to give! I am excited to go just to see if we can be a success story for the sake of us and our daughters.


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## EleGirl

It's worth trying to fix things for your children. Divorce is hard on children. Plus if you can fix this, then you will have a very strong marriage.

The bit about a spouse being a want instead of a need is important. To me that's the healthy way to be. Or is it to want someone so much that you need them?


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## anchorwatch

Sorry I didn't get back to you jgy, traveling for Easter. 

The short of it. It's like an ER for relationships. They will give you the tools to speak to each other for the first time. For us we went from resentment and hate to remorsfull, enlightened and hopefull. I'll answer more next week. Just to say, we're together 40 years and married 38. Still can't keep our hands off each other. Don't know your situation. But you can be hopeful.

BTW, have you read His Needs, Her Needs ?


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## JGY415

anchorwatch said:


> Sorry I didn't get back to you jgy, traveling for Easter.
> 
> The short of it. It's like an ER for relationships. They will give you the tools to speak to each other for the first time. For us we went from resentment and hate to remorsfull, enlightened and hopefull. I'll answer more next week. Just to say, we're together 40 years and married 38. Still can't keep our hands off each other. Don't know your situation. But you can be hopeful.
> 
> BTW, have you read His Needs, Her Needs ?


Thanks Anchor. I appreciate the response. I have His Needs, Her Needs on Audio Book, very good! I am excited and hopeful about the weekend. I look forward to communicating more with you when you are done with your travels. Have a great Easter!


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## JGY415

Got the calls from the couple couselers last night. I am very hopeful after talking to them. Approx. 2 weeks out, I am encouraged my wife seems to be very hopeful to especially after the call last night. Wish us plenty of luck and a lot of prayers. Also things have been very good between us since the OP. :smthumbup:


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## anchorwatch

It's good that you both still have hope. I take that as a willingness, on both your parts, to take the steps needed. You just need guidance as to how to proceed. You've taken the first step by getting help.


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## JGY415

So just when I thought things were good, I get a text:

"Yesterday really has me thinking..... I don't want to hurt you anymore and I don't know if my feelings will change. I am tired of all the the back and forth, and I know it's my fault. You want more than I can give right now and not sure that we will ever be aligned." (We had a counseling session yesterday)

So I called her and flat out asked if she was throwing in the towl. She said know. I asked if she will still go to Retrouvalille on the 19th of this month she said yes. I am crushed. This is now the 3rd time she has done this to me. I don't know what to do. I told her we will do Retrouvaille and see where we are at the end. I am in tears, my heart is broken yet again. What do I do until Retrouvaille on the 19th? Please help and any advice will be greatly apprecaited.


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## Acoa

JGY415 said:


> I am in tears, my heart is broken yet again. What do I do until Retrouvaille on the 19th? (


Cry it out now. Grieve for the loss of the relationship you wanted to have. Spend some time on it. 

By the 16th or 17th shift your focus onto preparing for Retrouvaille. Set your boundaries. How much is enough in your relationship. What can you live with (or without). Be realistic and be willing to call it quits on the relationship if she won't concede to your needs. Try to think clearly. Bounce your ideas off someone else (not your wife or someone who would leak it back to her).

By wanting her so badly, you are giving her a tremendous amount of power. She knows she can dominate you. She may or may not be conscious of this, but she knows it. So, she can get what she wants out of the relationship without meeting your needs. (I know this from my own painful experience).

Take back the control. If she loves you enough, she will follow. If not, it's best you let it end. If you can't be happy together, why be together?


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## JGY415

Acoa,

Thank you. I need to take some power back, and not let her run the show. She knows this, as everytime I start to distance myself from her and get a little comfortable where I am, she always comes back, we are cool for a week or two, and bam same type of text. I am hoping an praying after reading several reviews about Retrouville that we will be able to really fix this marriage or go our seperate ways. I in know way shape form or fashion want a D, I want my wife and daughters. But at some point I will have to make a decision. Based on the reviews this time next weekend will be eye opening for both of us! Thanks again for the advice Acoa! Pray for us!



Acoa said:


> Cry it out now. Grieve for the loss of the relationship you wanted to have. Spend some time on it.
> 
> By the 16th or 17th shift your focus onto preparing for Retrouvaille. Set your boundaries. How much is enough in your relationship. What can you live with (or without). Be realistic and be willing to call it quits on the relationship if she won't concede to your needs. Try to think clearly. Bounce your ideas off someone else (not your wife or someone who would leak it back to her).
> 
> By wanting her so badly, you are giving her a tremendous amount of power. She knows she can dominate you. She may or may not be conscious of this, but she knows it. So, she can get what she wants out of the relationship without meeting your needs. (I know this from my own painful experience).
> 
> Take back the control. If she loves you enough, she will follow. If not, it's best you let it end. If you can't be happy together, why be together?


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## anchorwatch

JGY415, 

How are things? 

Did you go on the weekend?


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## JGY415

anchorwatch said:


> JGY415,
> 
> How are things?
> 
> Did you go on the weekend?


Anchor,
We did go! We got back yesterday evening... Let me just say it was AMAZING!!! quick synopsis cuz I am in math class.
Friday: arrive little tension not really sitting to close to each other, end of night about 11:00PM warmed up to each other ever so slightly

Saturday: LONG 16hr. Day strides were made letters signed love emotional roller coaster, felt like I ran a marathon and was in a 12 round slug fest!

Sunday: Grew much closer to each other, holding hands, sitting with each other close, left holding hands. Both super hopeful and optimistic of our future together. Stayed at our house last night. She is showing me tons of affection and love. 

We have both agrees to take it slow dialog DAILY... and we both committed to attend all post sessions barring death or a hospital stay. It was simply put the most moving powerful expire nice of my life next to birth of my daughter. I am hopeful today, and optimistic about our chances in the future. I will definitely keep my thread updated with our progress. Also I don't mind speaking of our weekend but per the program I will not be divulging any specifics or details of excercises or discussions of others!! Again best thing we could have done for our marriage. I would recommend this to ANYONE before the throw in the towel! God bless!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anchorwatch

I'm glad for you. 

Now you both know there is hope, even in worse situations than your's. 

God bless.


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