# My husband is visiting his friend. Do I have the right to be mad?



## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

For over a week now my husband and I have been arguing about him wanting, well now he's going to see his friend. Ordinarily I wouldn't be mad but his friend is a horrible person and late last year his friend his friend verbally abused me and refused to give us back money that he owed us.
I was so glad that his friend was moving interstate and my husband and I agreed that we wouldn't have anything to do with him after several other bad things that he had done to us as well as his behavior towards me. Now my husband has planned a long weekend with him, and says to me "your relationship with him is your relationship, and it has nothing to do with me. I told him off for you and I told him I was on your side, so just get over it!" I'm feeling so hurt and feel like he's forgotten how much drama his friend caused and now he's choosing to spend his last weekend of holidays away with him. I feel so betrayed, confused, hurt.
How can he be friends with someone who is just a pig? And, how can he be friends with someone who treats people like ****, and how he treated me?
I don't know... Feels like he's sending the message that you can treat my wife and kids anyway you want and in a few months your forgiven and I'll come running up to you as soon as you text and demand me to get on a plane and come 'party' with me...!
What do I do???
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

I hope you realize how worthless a man like that is. What do the other people in your life have to say about this? His family your family, friends ectc., If they don't know tell them all. The shame would do him good. Also schedule marriage couseling and make sure he understands that he has just taken a step towards losing his wife. DO NOT MINCE WORDS.! Spell it out for him how much less of a man and a partner this makes him.


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## galian84 (May 7, 2012)

Wow...I'd be pretty pissed too, if I were you. Nothing wrong with spending a long weekend with a friend, but not after all the horrible things he's done to you guys! He verbally abused you, and your husband is still running off to see him?? 

Why would he even want to spend time with a friend who's so nasty to you? I can understand if it's some loyalty thing cause he's an old friend, but still, you're his wife and he should consider your feelings over his friends'.

My ex-boyfriend had friends like that. They weren't nasty to me like your husband's friend, but they used to make fun of me a lot. My ex never stood up for me--in fact, he took their side over mine and just told me to deal with it. I resented him so much for that and, along with many other reasons, left him, without a second thought. I'm just happy that my current boyfriend's friends are overall decent people and always go out of their way to be nice and welcoming to me. 

If it were my SO, I'd feel like he was taking his friend's side over mine. Your husband told him off, so what, he's still going to go see him, alone. I hope he knows that actions speak louder than words.

Have you tried telling him exactly what you told us? Tried sitting down with him and talking to him about how all this makes you feel?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Men are free. Free to be friends with whomever they choose, spend their time however they please, and we are not their keepers or mothers.

The answer to this is simple. Ask yourself is this a dealbreaker for you? If the answer is yes then tell him in no uncertain terms that it's either this friend or you. Period end of story. No bluffing. If he chooses the friend then you MUST be prepared to leave.

Now if the answer is no it's not a dealbreaker then shut up about it and let him go. Don't say another negative thing about this friend. If you do and your husband is one of the good guys he'll do the right thing once you stop trying to tell him what to do.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I agree with Mavash. 

Obviously this friendship means something to your husband. It's also possible that while you felt verbally abused, it didn't seem as bad to others as it did to you. You didn't describe the relationship between them much (how long they've been friends, etc.) or how your husband feels about the unpaid money, but it is clear that his friendship with this guy is important enough to him that he'll forgive what has happened. 

I'd encourage you to not try to interfere with their friendship, but ask for some ground rules between your husband and you. Maybe he'll agree to spend time around the person only when you're not there. Perhaps he'll agree to never lend money to the guy again. This way, you're not trying to change your husband's values & feelings, but you *are* protecting your marriage and yourself.


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

Well, a lot more has happened since I first posted my dilemma, and now the plot thinkends...
Thank you everyone for your thoughts, and I would love to hear what you think of what's happened now.
This morning I was on our computer, using the Internet as my phone was playing up, and the auto fill in the address bar came up with the name of who my husband had an emotional affair with 1year ago, basically he was searching for her on FB and search engines. When I asked him why? He first denied it and then realized he'd been caught red handed and admitted to wanting to check up on her because he was curious about her but still says he doesn't want to have anything to do with her and believes there is nothing wrong with trying to find her on FB and MySpace pages ect... I asked him was this a once off? (no it wasn't) 
How often do you search for her? (roughly every week/fortnight)
Are you trying to get in contact with her? (no, if I wanted to contact her I could easily get her email from work- Husband says)
I dont understand why he would feel the need to know what she is doing as he told me everytime he thinks of her it makes him sick and he assured me he never wanted to contact her again and doesn't give a sh*t about her life and what she's doing- what a load of bs!
I am so confused and feel like I've been played again.
The trust is so far broken....
And for the record; all my friends and family know how much of an ass his so call friend is and they are shocked that he is going up to see the arrogant pig too, especially the weekend of our daughter's birthday and my mums birthday party on Sunday.
I think everything is a deal breaker for me!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

And, can anyone give me there opinion on why does he feel the need to know what she is doing if he doesn't still have feelings for her? I am right yer? Cause the way I see it is if he really didn't give a crap about her he wouldn't be thinking of checking all different social pages for her???
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

1) He's still in the fog

2) He's not happy at home.

3) He's got a bad case of the grass is greener syndrome.

4) She's a distraction from his unhappiness.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

still.hurting said:


> And, can anyone give me there opinion on why does he feel the need to know what she is doing if he doesn't still have feelings for her? I am right yer? Cause the way I see it is if he really didn't give a crap about her he wouldn't be thinking of checking all different social pages for her???
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Why does it even matter?

What matters is his actions have caused you great distress, and you don't like how he's acting. You have a problem with his friend and now his looking for this woman he had an EA with.

The question you should be asking yourself is now what? What are you prepared to do about any of this?


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## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

My answer to him planning a weekend with his, so called 'friend' (REAL friends don't treat your SP that way) particularly on his own daughter's birthday weekend (who does that?)..... I would not be there when he returns; or better yet.....throw his stuff out and change the locks. Tell him he can have his friend & EA but he's not getting you and your daughter too! He made his choice when he left for the weekend. 

I have to wonder.....is he really going to spend time with this friend or is he meeting his EA? Being you feel how you feel about his friend, he may be thinking you won't contact the friend for any reason and if you did his friend would lie to you for him. Just a thought.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

heavensangel said:


> My answer to him planning a weekend with his, so called 'friend' (REAL friends don't treat your SP that way) particularly on his own daughter's birthday weekend (who does that?)..... I would not be there when he returns; or better yet.....throw his stuff out and change the locks. Tell him he can have his friend & EA but he's not getting you and your daughter too! He made his choice when he left for the weekend.
> 
> I have to wonder.....is he really going to spend time with this friend or is he meeting his EA? Being you feel how you feel about his friend, he may be thinking you won't contact the friend for any reason and if you did his friend would lie to you for him. Just a thought.


Bingo. My thoughts exactly. You and hubby need to have a pretty serious heart-to-heart and make some pretty serious decisions!


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

still.hurting said:


> Well, a lot more has happened since I first posted my dilemma, and now the plot thinkends...
> Thank you everyone for your thoughts, and I would love to hear what you think of what's happened now.
> This morning I was on our computer, using the Internet as my phone was playing up, and the auto fill in the address bar came up with the name of who my husband had an emotional affair with 1year ago, basically he was searching for her on FB and search engines. When I asked him why? He first denied it and then realized he'd been caught red handed and admitted to wanting to check up on her because he was curious about her but still says he doesn't want to have anything to do with her and believes there is nothing wrong with trying to find her on FB and MySpace pages ect... I asked him was this a once off? (no it wasn't)
> How often do you search for her? (roughly every week/fortnight)
> ...


He seems to have made a pastime out of betraying you. State your willingness to walk away if he doesn't put a stop the disrespect immediately.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I could see the "just curious" think if it was once or twice a year, but a couple times a month? Not a chance.


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> I could see the "just curious" think if it was once or twice a year, but a couple times a month? Not a chance.


Couldn't have put it better, well said!

I saw my counselor today and she told me to have a talk with him tonight, but as usual, he has requested us to talk tomorrow and not now after he had a few drinks...
We'll see???
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

Thinking of questions to ask him, for our 'talk' any suggestions?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Only question *I* can see worth asking is "Are you satisified/happy with our marriage the way it is?"

It is OBVIOUS that you are not (with GOOD reason, I would say!)

If he *IS* happy with things the way they are, then I'd say you need to pull the trigger and end it. You both want different things (you want a marriage, he wants someone who takes care of him while he has EAs and runs off to party with friends OR screw old girlfriends instead of attending daughter's and MIL's birthdays...all the while lying to you and hiding errant behavior).

If he is *NOT* happy with things the way they are, then you need to get into MC IMMEDIATELY and you BOTH need to go in with open hearts and open minds. Things will either get resolved or they will not. If so, GREAT! If not, pull the trigger.

* Look, he has ALREADY CHEATED ON YOU
.
* He has ALLOWED HIS FRIEND TO TREAT YOU DISRESPECTFULLY; still sees friend, tells YOU to 'get over it.'

* Chooses partying with friends over daughter's birthday! She's a child, birthdays are STILL a BIG DEAL to her! MIL, not such a big deal as daughter's, but still rude, disrespectful.

* He has been ACTIVELY LOOKING FOR his former affair partner; it's not that he can't 'find her' (because he CAN through work)...he wants to know if she's CURRENTLY IN A RELATIONSHIP with someone else (thus the Facebook trolling) OR if she is available to start cr*p up again! He's ACTIVELY LOOKING TO CHEAT!

Other poster is right, he *IS* still in the affair fog and is unhappy in your marriage.
He either AGREES to work on it starting NOW, or YOU should end it.


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

We had a good talk... He apparently didn't realize how upset, etc, it made me feel about him going to his friends house, but now that he is aware he doesn't want to go and has cancelled his trip.
Now apparently he only looked up his ex affair girl only once, which was a couple of weeks ago... Regardless, I explained to him that was not on, regardless of why he wanted to...
He wants to work on our marriage and go to mc with me...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

still.hurting said:


> We had a good talk... He apparently didn't realize how upset, etc, it made me feel about him going to his friends house, but now that he is aware he doesn't want to go and has cancelled his trip.
> Now apparently he only looked up his ex affair girl only once, which was a couple of weeks ago... Regardless, I explained to him that was not on, regardless of why he wanted to...
> He wants to work on our marriage and go to mc with me...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well that's good news! I hope everything works out for you. Keep us all update on the progress.


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

I will keep everyone posted...
MC this Monday ;-)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

My husband texted his friend to appologise for the short notice but he needs to stay home and work on his marriage, explaining it's bad timing for him to go away this weekend and 'party' and his marriage is far to important to him...
His friend texts back sexist joke then about an hr later texted back 'Are you sure this is what YOU want? Sounds like you need time away?" -exactly the type of response I would expect from him and I'm sure there will be more to come...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

I think he needs to cut contact with this friend altogether. He clearly is not a friend of your marriage. If you had a friend like that how would your husband feel?

Also would he be happy for you to go away partying with a friend like that? Or partying at all.

I also think you need marital counseling. And I wouldn't buy his excuses about why he was looking up the OW.

I know you think you are sorting it out but is he pacifying you and rug sweeping.


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

*LittleDeer* said:


> I think he needs to cut contact with this friend altogether. He clearly is not a friend of your marriage. If you had a friend like that how would your husband feel?
> 
> Also would he be happy for you to go away partying with a friend like that? Or partying at all.
> 
> ...


I agree with you, and all those points have been discussed and he wouldn't be too happy if I were going off to party with a person he didn't like...
As for him looking up his ex affair girl, I asked him why was he doing it and he said he couldn't tell me cause he doesn't know. He acknowledges that it was wrong but I don't think he quite gets why. Can I have some suggestions on what I can say to him that will make him understand why he was doing it & how wrong it was?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

still.hurting said:


> Now my husband has planned a long weekend with him, and says to me "your relationship with him is your relationship, and it has nothing to do with me. I told him off for you and I told him I was on your side, so just get over it!"


Wrong. You're a couple, and what someone does to one of you impacts on you both.

You H is being disloyal to you, and you have every right to be hacked off.


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