# Husband looking at other girls



## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

A while ago, I received this question on my blog. I thought I should post my response to the question here on this forum. I am very interested in hearing how others would respond to this same question.

_Is it natural for a man to be attracted to other women and to look at them, scroll through facebook pictures of old girlfriends, and watch semi-inappropriate things on tv?_

Being attracted to another person is not a bad thing. It simply means that your hormones are working properly. Dwelling and fantasizing about this attraction is different and completely inappropriate. When a husband and wife are joined in marriage they make commitments to each other. Being faithful (not just phsyically, but also mentally and emotionally) is one of those commitments. Looking up old girlfriends is inappropriate. Watching semi-inappropriate things in movies or TV opens up the door for fatasizing about other women. There is a saying that says "You can't prevent a bird from flying over your head, but you can stop it from making a nest in your hair."


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

True dat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

I simply don't understand the whole "attraction to other people" thing. Of course, I'm not a guy, but when I'm out in the world and not with my husband, the only person I constantly think about, fantasize about, and want is my husband. I've tried to look at other attractive men and feel that "wow, he's hot!" feeling but I don't. Even when other women are salivating over a guy, I have no interest. I've actually been scolded by other women for not mooning over a guy but I'm not going to sit there and pretend! The only one in my eyes is my husband. Of course, there was one guy I found attractive...but that was because he reminded me of my husband...


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## CrystalPalace (Apr 7, 2011)

Finding others attractive is healthy and normal. How one acts on that is potentially very different.

If you find your mate's behavior makes you uncomfortable, tell them so. How that conversation goes is a delicate dance between your sense of security and their respect for you and your feelings. There's a balance to be had here. 

The fact that I notice other women and their attractiveness is probably something of a turn on to my wife, because she knows at the end of the day I'm (willingly) going to bed with her--and thus she's attractive by association.  That is, it probably makes her feel more attractive.

But my wife would feel hurt if I was ogling another woman as at some point I'm going to step over a line and activate her questions about her own attractiveness. She will also think I'm "gross" at some point and lose respect for me as a "pig."

I admit I feel uncomfortable about all the men my wife's befriended on FB and I'm especially aware of her sense that so-and-so is really attractive. I don't know how much time she spends looking and/or if she's ever physically longing for these guys. But at the end of the day it's my own insecurity dragons I need to slay. And if she doesn't have the conscience to do the right thing then that's her problem, really.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Men are going to look. Women who don't think their men look are clueless.


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## tpb72 (Feb 18, 2011)

My man looks and it really doesn't bother me. Honestly, I think its more out of habit than anything else. He doesn't hide it nor does he apologize for it and its because of that it doesn't bother me.

I appreciate attractiveness in others as well. If I catch a glimpse of someone who appears quite attractive - either in facial features or physique; both male and female, I take a second glance, and maybe even a third.


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## annagarret (Jun 12, 2011)

Male Sexuality is so different from Females. I think a wife who does not understand how her husband thinks sexually has her head in the sand. There is a big difference between just looking and then lusting about someone else when you are making love to your spouse.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

annagarret said:


> There is a big difference between just looking and then lusting about someone else when you are making love to your spouse.


Yeah, well how do you know he isn't doing that???


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Pandakiss: TB!!! I love that show and follow it regularly. Eric...woo hoo! But I think it is a little different lusting after someone on a television program or movie and doing it in real life to someone you could actually have a chance to have an affair/relations with.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Looking is one thing. Fantasizing is another. Admit the difference and be honest. Refuse to do so and be untrustworthy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

I enjoy looking at beautiful and sexy women too. 

If I see a beautiful and sexy woman, I point her out to my husband. She is beautiful, she has a great body, she knows how to dress herself up, great for her. 

Of course I point out the funny ones too, especially the ones who have rolls but wear tight shirts. Both of us have goose bumps. 

If I see a handsome and muscular man on the street, I will enjoy him as much as I can. I don't think my husband will mind that. So what? It is the first time and the last time I see him, why would he be bothered! Same goes with women! 

But trying to check out old girlfriends' pictures, very inappropriate, intolerable.


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## motherof4 (Jul 3, 2011)

I agree that it is a natural thing to find another person attractive. I think that if the husband is doing his part in making his wife feel #1 and attractive that this wouldn't be an issue. If she see's her husbands eyes constantly wondering and yet she doesn't have her emotional needs met, that can cause insecurity for her. 

I think most women has a little bit of jealousy (I know I have a pinch) in them but we keep it under control with the reminders from our husbands that we are were one and only.

My husband never told me I was pretty, beautiful, etc and only wanted to make love once a week... and I would feel insecure when my husband would stare at women that walked by. I wanted his attention and him to want to make love more often with me. We have talked about this on many occasions and he is more considerate of my feelings towards this subject and even though I am sure he still has a wondering eye he tries to control it when I am around. I appreciate his willingness to work on this.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

ClipClop said:


> Looking is one thing. Fantasizing is another. Admit the difference and be honest. Refuse to do so and be untrustworthy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah, that'll really strengthen a marriage! "Hey, Baby, guess what! I just had the wildest sexual fantasy about your sister!" Some fantasies, like bowel movements, are best kept private.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> Yeah, that'll really strengthen a marriage! "Hey, Baby, guess what! I just had the wildest sexual fantasy about your sister!" Some fantasies, like bowel movements, are best kept private.


I think what ClipClop meant was for you to admit the difference to yourself, not admit it to the spouse. Admit there is a difference between looking and fantasizing and get over it - so to speak.


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

Admiring beauty is normal for most people. Whether that beauty takes form as a landscape, wildlife or a human being. There is also a respectful way to admire beauty. Yes, that includes the gal walking by who’s wearing the way too low cut top and the extremely short skirt. We all notice her. Even us women do. However, when a man’s eyes are popping out of his head and nearly gives himself whiplash by taking a third look, all while standing next to his wife is disrespectful.

I constantly tease one of my guy friends because you can never tell if he notices those gals. At first I thought he was oblivious to those “look at me” gals. I am the one who will ask him, “Did you see that gal in the ……..?” The first time I asked him that, I truly did not see him even glance once at this gal. His very low key reply was, “Who couldn’t notice her?” LOL!! 

My point is, I was once married to the man whose eyes popped out of his head every time a woman wearing revealing attire was in the general vicinity of us. It is much more respectful and can even be more fun if the female in the relationship feels as if she’s pointing out those “look at me” gals to him. He’s a guy. He’s going to notice anyways. Why not have fun with it?


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Stiime4, you hit it right. What a person dwells o. Is indeed a choice. A lot of men refuse to accept that there is a boundary. These are undisciplined and immature men
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ayrun (Jun 12, 2011)

Here's the thing. A classy man knows there's attractive women around, but if he's master of his domain he dont show it. It's actually a sign of weakness to show it. 

This has nothin to do with morals, but rather who's in control of himself. It's extremely attractive to women because it shows you're cool and collected. You will know the pretty woman is there, but she does not have the power, you do.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Men are going to look. Women who don't think their men look are clueless.


Yes sir. 

There is finesses in how one does this. If it is obvious then it can be disrespectful to the wife.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Ayrun said:


> Here's the thing. A classy man knows there's attractive women around, but if he's master of his domain he dont show it. It's actually a sign of weakness to show it.
> 
> This has nothin to do with morals, but rather who's in control of himself. It's extremely attractive to women because it shows you're cool and collected. You will know the pretty woman is there, but she does not have the power, you do.


Yes. This is PUA 101.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore said:


> Admiring beauty is normal for most people. Whether that beauty takes form as a landscape, wildlife or a human being. There is also a respectful way to admire beauty. Yes, that includes the gal walking by who’s wearing the way too low cut top and the extremely short skirt. We all notice her. Even us women do. However, when a man’s eyes are popping out of his head and nearly gives himself whiplash by taking a third look, all while standing next to his wife is disrespectful.
> 
> I constantly tease one of my guy friends because you can never tell if he notices those gals. At first I thought he was oblivious to those “look at me” gals. I am the one who will ask him, “Did you see that gal in the ……..?” The first time I asked him that, I truly did not see him even glance once at this gal. His very low key reply was, “Who couldn’t notice her?” LOL!!
> 
> *My point is, I was once married to the man whose eyes popped out of his head every time a woman wearing revealing attire was in the general vicinity of us. It is much more respectful and can even be more fun if the female in the relationship feels as if she’s pointing out those “look at me” gals to him. He’s a guy. He’s going to notice anyways. Why not have fun with i*t?


My wife does that. Her radar is better than mine. She takes me off the hook by doing this. It diffuses things and makes it funny. I love that about her. Also she seems to know what I like ....


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

Great comments.



TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore said:


> My point is, I was once married to the man whose eyes popped out of his head every time a woman wearing revealing attire was in the general vicinity of us. It is much more respectful and can even be more fun if the female in the relationship feels as if she’s pointing out those “look at me” gals to him. He’s a guy. He’s going to notice anyways. Why not have fun with it?


Toto, I think this is great. I think when a man's wife points out an attractive woman, she might be able to help him out of his fantasy world and back into reality.


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## princess89 (Jul 6, 2011)

motherof4 said:


> I agree that it is a natural thing to find another person attractive. I think that if the husband is doing his part in making his wife feel #1 and attractive that this wouldn't be an issue. If she see's her husbands eyes constantly wondering and yet she doesn't have her emotional needs met, that can cause insecurity for her.
> 
> I think most women has a little bit of jealousy (I know I have a pinch) in them but we keep it under control with the reminders from our husbands that we are were one and only.
> 
> My husband never told me I was pretty, beautiful, etc and only wanted to make love once a week... and I would feel insecure when my husband would stare at women that walked by. I wanted his attention and him to want to make love more often with me. We have talked about this on many occasions and he is more considerate of my feelings towards this subject and even though I am sure he still has a wondering eye he tries to control it when I am around. I appreciate his willingness to work on this.


I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL...This is the exact way I feel...Sometimes I can't bite my tongue and i tell him when I catch him looking at others girls. He tells me that he isn't but it's hard to not think that if i see his eyes looking in the same direction that the girls are at. Thats how I see it. How do you stop yourself from telling him you catch him looking at girls when you do catch him looking?


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

I believe that both men and women will be attracted to other people and will notice them, however that is where it should end. I think oggling or commenting is disrespectful and we all should have enough self control to turn our thoughts to our partners and what we like/ find sexy about them.


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