# Hit my bf once (was drunk) and his parents hate me ever since



## PatienceNow

I do realized it was my fault but this happened about 3 months ago and they still pretty much dislike me greatly, esp his mother. When I was in a conversation with him, I heard his mother saying how it would be better if he would break up.

Thing is I was stupidly drunk that day (much more than him) can't really remember what was the whole argument about. Then it happened. I shook him a couple times, cornered him as he was trying to back off and then slapped him. I think someone saw it because the following day his parents found out about it and off course his mother was pissed off (called me and told me a bunch of names). That's really their only child so I understand but I'm I going to be punished forever?

Ever since then I'm not welcomed in their house. But what will it take to get it back to the way it was? His mother hates me now, thinks I'm crazy. I've never done anything this time in my 20 years. Will they eventually forgive this? Can I one day get their trust back and it be like before?


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## Hope1964

I have two boys in their early 20's, and if you'd done that to one of them I wouldn't like you very much either.

Why is it so important to you that they like you?

What does your boyfriend say about all this?


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## Giro flee

What have you done to make sure it never happens again? Is your drinking under control? Do you have anger issues? Did you grow up witnessing violence? 

As a woman I never give a second chance to somebody who hits, and I tell my kids to do the same. I would have a really hard time getting over somebody hitting one of my kids, being drunk is not an excuse in my life.


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## PatienceNow

Hope1964 said:


> What does your boyfriend say about all this?


He has forgiven me for that already and knows that wasn't my usual character that day. He didn't want to tell his parents about it (and wasn't going to) but they found out either way and the mother nearly wanted to come to my house to confront me if it wasn't for him telling her not to. 

He isn't liking the situation too well and did believed me when I apologized the following day. He's trying to convince his mother it was a mistake but she's upset we're still dating.



Hope1964 said:


> Why is it so important to you that they like you?


They were like a second family to me. I missed those social gatherings.


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## PatienceNow

Giro flee said:


> What have you done to make sure it never happens again? Is your drinking under control? Do you have anger issues?


I haven't drank since. I have also tried apologizing to his parents, mainly the mother but they won't forgive me. I don't know how much time it will take. I didn't mean to hit their son and have never done it when sober. 


Giro flee said:


> Did you grow up witnessing violence?


No and that's why it's very confusing to me that I still did it. I don't know of any member in my family who were violent ever. It's like on that day I was drunk, it happened so suddenly and this mean side that's never been there before showed up.


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## harrybrown

I told my daughters that if some guy hits them to get out. They are grown now. 

I did not think about my son. So his wife grew up on a farm and milked cows. I found out she was choking him.

He played football in high school and played on the line. I helped him get a divorce from her for other reasons as well.

But until he got out, I told him not to hit her back. He would have gone to jail for abuse. 

You could go to anger management classes and let his parents know that you are working on the situation. 

You could also tell them that you stopped drinking. Sometimes time will help, and your actions over time will help.

Have your bf tell his parents about your efforts. 

Good luck, but if you hit again, it is not good to be in that relationship. Get into a relationship without the violence. My son is big and strong. I so glad he did not go to jail. It would have only had to occur once for him to hit back. She would have been able to have a picture taken of the violence and stand next to him in court. Nobody would think that his poor ex deserved him to defend himself. He is that big and strong.


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## PatienceNow

harrybrown said:


> I told my daughters that if some guy hits them to get out. They are grown now.
> 
> I did not think about my son. So his wife grew up on a farm and milked cows. I found out she was choking him.
> 
> He played football in high school and played on the line. I helped him get a divorce from her for other reasons as well.


That's terrible. I think the reason for this is because most parents don't think it can happen to a son, just like his didn't and were shocked when it did. 



harrybrown said:


> But until he got out, I told him not to hit her back. He would have gone to jail for abuse.


His mother has raised him that way too even since he was a toddler and among all the names she called me over the phone, the word coward was mentioned. Before the conversation ended (and not well at all), she say something along the lines of _Just so you know, if it weren't for him I would have come for a visit. Ever attack my son again or do something to him, you would have a problem with me. Don't think I'll forget this._



harrybrown said:


> You could go to anger management classes and let his parents know that you are working on the situation.


I have thought about it recently and will now consider it. 



harrybrown said:


> You could also tell them that you stopped drinking. Sometimes time will help, and your actions over time will help.


I really hope we can start all over again one day. 



harrybrown said:


> Have your bf tell his parents about your efforts.


Yes, he has told them I've stopped drinking. His father for the most part ignores it and says I'm nothing but trouble. The mother said she's not convinced and how it's not something she can get over.



harrybrown said:


> My son is big and strong.


 Wow you're practically describing my bf too with just little differences. He's 6'2 and it was basketball he used to play during his HS years and sometimes do some jogging.


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## Giro flee

As a parent I wouldn't want anyone hitting my child. I would also worry about future grandchildren, what if you hit them? Children can push buttons you didn't even know you had.

I would do some real soul-searching to figure out why I would resort to hitting. I would look into anger issues, read about abusive relationships. You have to accept full responsibility for what you did, no excuses, not even the alcohol. If you really think it will never ever happen again the only thing that will heal this wound is a lot of time with no reoccurrences of violence. It may take years for his parents to get past this and fully trust you.


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## EnjoliWoman

You aren't grown up enough to know how to resolve your disagreements (do you even remember?) with words like grownups. Move on, learn, and apply the next time.

I know that isn't what you want to hear but honestly, anyone who loses control and HITS someone they claim they love doesn't have the skill set to be in a relationship yet.


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## Holland

How would your parents feel if he hit you? Violence is violence it makes no difference the gender of the aggressive one.

If someone hit any of my kids I would not like them at all and would be happy to see the relationship end.


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## PatienceNow

Holland said:


> How would your parents feel if he hit you? Violence is violence it makes no difference the gender of the aggressive one.


I know it makes no difference and that's how I'm not trying to excuse my behavior. It was wrong either way and yes, my parents would have hated him too. In my case, it would be my father or one of my male cousins trying to go after him. This time my parents aren't helping me on this one and told me they can't do anything and how I have to solve it on my own. I totally messed up.


Holland said:


> If someone hit any of my kids I would not like them at all and would be happy to see the relationship end.


I know there is nothing I can do to erase what happened but I still hope to have that chance to redeem myself to them and one day be on good terms again. I wish they knew how sorry I was for hitting their son.


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## WorkingOnMe

I get the impression you've learned from this. The way to fix it with the folks now is for your bf to be a man and stand up to mommy.


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## LongWalk

What does your boyfriend say about it?

How have you tried to make it up to him?


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## Cosmos

I don't interfere in my son's relationships (he's 35), but if I found out he was dating someone who assaulted him I most certainly would interfere. I would also have quite a lot to say about the wisdom of him dating a woman who drank herself senseless.

Having said that, if you want to move forward with the relationship, I would stop drinking and ensure that there is never a repeat performance. In time, perhaps his parents will change their opinion of you.


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## Malpheous

Try not leading it with things like, 'I was so drunk...' 

As a parent who also drinks occasionally, my short fuse would be any apology that sounded remotely like an 'it wasn't me it was drunk me' type apology. I also feel that the action of violence in an argument is the sign of someone not yet ready for a long-term relationship. That is because it shows a lack of rationalization, communication and understanding. It's a simple fact of resorting to force. A shortcut attempt at solving a dispute which will actually end in resentment later making it ultimately worse than it originally was.

If my child's SO came to me and said something like the following I would be pretty likely to respect them and actually help them to work things out with my child.

'Malpheous - I screwed up. Plain and simple. I resorted to a slap which was wrong without excuse. It's not my normal behavior and the only way for you to see that is for me to stay with this and show you. When this all happened I was drinking and that is no excuse for anything. But it may have contributed and I have already decided that I won't drink anymore. please allow me to show you the person I can be in your child's life?'


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## Bobby5000

Okay, you made a big mistake. It happens. Just go on with the relationship. If its one mistake and your boyfriend is still happy, he'll forgive you, and his parents will have to live with it. But I am not sure this is some magic way of getting them to forget about this and if you apologized once and it did no good, I don't see the sense in your keep trying.


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## Miss Taken

It seems that you have learned that there are consequences for your behavior, whether it's out of character or a result of drinking or not.

I don't apply double-standards to domestic violence. If that were my son, I wouldn't want your relationship to continue. Though you may be telling the truth and you're sorry and you won't do it again, I would not feel comfortable with the relationship. The trust would be broken.

The thing with domestic violence is that all abusers say they're sorry and that they'll never do it again. You sound sincere but his parents have no way to trust or differentiate you from someone who made a one-time, stupid choice or someone that will continue to aggress against their son. 

They are likely worried that not only will it happen again, but it will escalate. A little known fact about woman-on-man violence is that women being smaller than men also are more likely to use weapons and hit men with objects than men are towards women; so the violence can end up being just as severe as when men abuse women.

The only thing that would give you a chance at redeeming yourself if I were your in-law is that you apologized without using alcohol as an excuse, quit drinking, took anger management classes and it never happened again. That and time, lot's of it. Then maybe I could trust you again.

If your inlaws do not forgive you and he is close with them, it will not bode well for the relationship and will drive a wedge between you as a couple. Even if they do come around, they will never forget.


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## CharlotteMcdougall

Malpheous said:


> Try not leading it with things like, 'I was so drunk...'
> 
> As a parent who also drinks occasionally, my short fuse would be any apology that sounded remotely like an 'it wasn't me it was drunk me' type apology. I also feel that the action of violence in an argument is the sign of someone not yet ready for a long-term relationship. That is because it shows a lack of rationalization, communication and understanding. It's a simple fact of resorting to force. A shortcut attempt at solving a dispute which will actually end in resentment later making it ultimately worse than it originally was.
> 
> If my child's SO came to me and said something like the following I would be pretty likely to respect them and actually help them to work things out with my child.
> 
> 'Malpheous - I screwed up. Plain and simple. I resorted to a slap which was wrong without excuse. It's not my normal behavior and the only way for you to see that is for me to stay with this and show you. When this all happened I was drinking and that is no excuse for anything. But it may have contributed and I have already decided that I won't drink anymore. please allow me to show you the person I can be in your child's life?'


This is a very diplomatic and magnanimous approach. 

My husband put his hands on me _once_. I forgave him and so did my mother. I forgave my husband because he attended a counseling program for abusive partners.

I was also told by the coordinator that it is quite common for men to become abusive when they lose their jobs. Apparently, the men lose their sense of masculine usefulness and take it out on their spouses. The company that my husband worked for shut down and he lost his job without severance. The hitting was still wrong but I was compassionate enough to forgive my hubby. It hasn't happened again and that was more than four years ago. 

My mother forgave my husband for a different reason. She is a doormat, so she believes that women should put up with whatever their husbands do. 

I rarely tell my parents what happens in my marriage because they don't need to know. I also do not run to my husband's family and complain about him.


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## CharlotteMcdougall

Miss Taken said:


> It seems that you have learned that there are consequences for your behavior, whether it's out of character or a result of drinking or not.
> 
> I don't apply double-standards to domestic violence. If that were my son, I wouldn't want your relationship to continue. Though you may be telling the truth and you're sorry and you won't do it again, I would not feel comfortable with the relationship. The trust would be broken.
> 
> The thing with domestic violence is that all abusers say they're sorry and that they'll never do it again. You sound sincere but his parents have no way to trust or differentiate you from someone who made a one-time, stupid choice or someone that will continue to aggress against their son.
> 
> They are likely worried that not only will it happen again, but it will escalate. A little known fact about woman-on-man violence is that women being smaller than men also are more likely to use weapons and hit men with objects than men are towards women; so the violence can end up being just as severe as when men abuse women.
> 
> The only thing that would give you a chance at redeeming yourself if I were your in-law is that you apologized without using alcohol as an excuse, quit drinking, took anger management classes and it never happened again. That and time, lot's of it. Then maybe I could trust you again.
> 
> *If your inlaws do not forgive you and he is close with them, it will not bode well for the relationship and will drive a wedge between you as a couple. Even if they do come around, they will never forget*.


:iagree::iagree: This is why it is best not to involve parents or loved ones in relationship problems. You may forgive and forget, but your loved ones never will.


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## Sandfly

WorkingOnMe said:


> I get the impression you've learned from this. The way to fix it with the folks now is for your bf to *be a man and stand up to mommy*.


A man's basic nature is to hit back hard at someone who attacks him unprovoked.

_Your _idea is that _he_ apologise and explain on behalf of a third party?

Neither is called for in this situation. 

For forgiveness to truly occur, there has to be a sacrifice made by the party in the wrong, to the wronged party.

This creates an atmosphere of sincerity about their regret, making it easier to accept it as genuine and move on, and actually forget about it (no grudges, on _either _side).

Not addressing it soon will create suspicion in _both _parties that the other is still secretly blaming.

I suggest she admit it in front of mommy, and then apologise. Bang - there's your sacrifice.


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## jld

Sandfly said:


> A man's basic nature is to hit back hard at someone who attacks him unprovoked.
> 
> _Your _idea is that _he_ apologise and explain on behalf of a third party?
> 
> Neither is called for in this situation.
> 
> For forgiveness to truly occur, there has to be a sacrifice made by the party in the wrong, to the wronged party.
> 
> This creates an atmosphere of sincerity about their regret, making it easier to accept it as genuine and move on, and actually forget about it (no grudges, on _either _side).
> 
> Not addressing it soon will create suspicion in _both _parties that the other is still secretly blaming.
> 
> I suggest she admit it in front of mommy, and then apologise. Bang - there's your sacrifice.


But it's the man's problem, right? Not his parents.

If a girl hit my son, I would expect him to deal with it. Even if I saw it, I expect him to be a man. It's his problem, not mine.

_Though I would certainly share some advice with him . . . _


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## Sandfly

jld said:


> But it's the man's problem, right?  Not his parents.
> 
> If a girl hit my son, I would expect him to deal with it. Even if I saw it, I expect him to be a man. It's his problem, not mine.
> 
> _Though I would certainly share some advice with him . . . _


He doesn't have to do anything, now that the drinking problem has been exposed.

I was focussing on suggesting what to do to remove the suspicion from both her own mind (that the parents will be forever trying to get back at her)

and from his parents mind (that she is shameless and unrepentant.)

What do you two mean by "be a man"?

A man would respond to a slap with a harder slap ! This is surely not what you mean.


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## jld

Sandfly said:


> He doesn't have to do anything, now that the drinking problem has been exposed.
> 
> I was focussing on suggesting what to do to remove the suspicion from both her own mind (that the parents will be forever trying to get back at her)
> 
> and from his parents mind (that she is shameless and unrepentant.)
> 
> What do you two mean by "be a man"?
> 
> A man would respond to a slap with a harder slap ! This is surely not what you mean.


I don't know why the mother got involved. I cannot imagine myself ever involving myself in my kids' personal relationships. 

Probably there is more to the story than just this one incident.

A man takes responsibility for his own life. His personal relationship is his business, and his responsibility alone. Do you get the impression the parents respect him very much, if the mother is getting involved? I am surprised he tolerates that.

If I were him, I would ask myself why my parents don't respect me, and what I need to do to change that. I think standing up to Mom and telling her I'll take care of my relationship myself, thankyouverymuch, would be a start.

And really, he should be asking himself if this is really the relationship he wants.

ETA: To your last question, I think he should have just restrained her. It would have sent the message that he would not tolerate any slapping.


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## Sandfly

PatienceNow said:


> *I think someone saw it *because the following day his parents found out about it and off course his mother was pissed off


This is why him being the peacemaker is not going to work.

_He _didn't run and tell 'mommy', someone else was outraged enough to do it for him.

Best he stay out of it, this is between her and his parents.

If he goes to sort it all out - picture it a second - his parents will come to the unspoken conclusion that _she _sent him and she _controls _him, and in fact, 

instead of reacting favourably, they'd now be convinced that he needs to be taken away from her and de-programmed ASAP.


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## jld

Sandfly said:


> This is why him being the peacemaker is not going to work.
> 
> _He _didn't run and tell 'mommy', someone else was outraged enough to do it for him.
> 
> Best he stay out of it, this is between her and his parents.
> 
> If he goes to sort it all out - picture it a second - his parents will come to the unspoken conclusion that _she _sent him and she _controls _him, and in fact,
> 
> instead of reacting favourably, they'd now be convinced that he needs to be taken away from her and de-programmed ASAP.


You know, the more I think about it, the more I think *Patience needs a different guy. * One who, when she tries to push him around, doesn't get backed into a corner and allow himself to be slapped. One who would not think of tolerating his mother's involvement with his personal relationship.

Would you let a woman back you into a corner, Sandfly, after having pushed you around? Really? 

And would you let your mother tell off your girlfriend? Would you really ever tolerate that kind of interference in your grown up life?


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## Sandfly

jld said:


> You know, the more I think about it, the more I think *Patience needs a different guy. * One who, when she tries to push him around, doesn't get backed into a corner and allow himself to be slapped. One who would not think of tolerating his mother's involvement with his personal relationship.
> 
> Would you let a woman back you into a corner, Sandfly, after having pushed you around? Really?
> 
> And would you let your mother tell off your girlfriend? Would you really ever tolerate that kind of interference in your grown up life?


I'm looking at the solution from her position as it is, assuming she wants to stay with him.

He already lost his manhood by tolerating the drunken abuse which I'm convinced will have preceded it 

------------------

Maybe the OP wanted to bring out the animal in him... but it backfired.


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## jld

Yeah, backfired big time.

I just don't think parents should be involved in their adult children's personal lives, that's all. 

And I am sure, as you alluded, that there is more to the story.


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## papa5280

As has pretty much been said by several posters, if I were your BF's dad, and you said to me, "I'm sorry I hit him", it wouldn't do much to get you back into my good graces. But, if you came to me and said, "I'm sorry I hit him, and here are the steps I'm taking to make sure it never, never happens again", I'd be more inclined to help you make those changes in your life.


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## 6301

I'm a guy who can't drink. never could. I smell a bar rag and start staggering and fall down. 

In my younger days I tried and found myself to be a mean drunk. Never did I put my hands on a woman but I sure could run my mouth and words can huts as bad as a punch. 

I stopped drinking since I couldn't handle my booze. I never drank much to begin with so it didn't take a lot to get me drunk (See opening line to this post) 

I'm glad that you realize your mistake when you got drunk but the damage is done. If he has forgiven you then you have your second chance. Just let the dust settle and maybe the will forgive you.

I've said this before and I still mean what I say. It's too easy for a woman to hit their BF/husband and think that just because their a female they can get away with it but good lord almighty if their on the receiving end of it the guy is in jail no if, and or buts about it.


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## Jellybeans

They may never forgive you or welcome you into their home. 

And that is their choice.

Just food for thought. 

I would definitely get some help for your alcohol and aggressive/beating behavior. That is not cool.

I have been drunk many a time but I have never hit anyone.


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## ScarletBegonias

No one is required to forgive you for anything you've done that causes them pain.It is their choice to make.
I personally feel a lot of truths come out when people are drinking.I feel they show what they're really capable of doing to other people. For some reason you have an intense anger inside of you and you chose to point it at someone's son...the person you say you love.

I can't say I blame his mother for her feelings even though I do believe you're truly sorry for what you did. Abusive people are always sorry after the fact.Even if you're capable of hiding the violent side of yourself while sober you should still attend anger management counseling. I wouldn't run to his mom to request forgiveness again though even if you do attend the counseling.It will be seen as a cheap attempt to get back into her good graces.If you do this,it needs to be done bc you recognize you have a problem and you truly want to improve.

Just bc you've never hit him prior to this doesn't mean you haven't damaged him in other ways that you likely are in denial about.These sort of acts don't just pop up out of the blue.


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## Jellybeans

ScarletBegonias said:


> I personally feel a lot of truths come out when people are drinking.I feel they show what they're really capable of doing to other people.


:iagree:


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## COGypsy

We are all aware that the OP hasn't logged in since the day this was posted, correct??


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## EleGirl

They might never forgive you. 

My experience is that for most people, if they do something like this they will repeat it down the line. Most people do not do what is needed to figure out what their problem is and fix it.

On that one day you showed some very bad decision making.. you got very drunk and you physically abused your bf. 

I'll bet that these are not the only bad choices that his parents see in making. They were probably on the line with you to start with. 

My step son married a of 20 who did this... over time it escalated to the point that she used drinking as the excuse to be abusive often. His divorce was pretty simple so I did it and even paid the filing fee to get him way from her. You better believe I did not like her.

The only way to convince your inlaws that you are worth trusting/liking is for time to pass while you do things like stop drinking ( maybe you are a mean drunk?) and work on anger/aggression management.

Some women have the silly notion that men cannot hit a woman but it's ok for a woman to hit a man. It does not work that way.

If this happens again, I hope your bf needs to call the police and have you charged. Some people need to have authorities involved to realize the severity of what they have done.


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## ScarletBegonias

COGypsy said:


> We are all aware that the OP hasn't logged in since the day this was posted, correct??


Doesn't matter,others can read and gain perspective and OP can always read without logging in
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DarkHoly

I'm sorry but I'm having trouble taking this seriously. Are we talking about a 150 lb woman hitting a 12-year old boy? If so, then there's a legitimate problem. 

But if we're talking about a woman slapping her boyfriend because she just can't articulate herself properly it's a different kind of problem. Yeah she's a ***** but this is not the same as a man hitting a woman.


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## ScarletBegonias

DarkHoly said:


> I'm sorry but I'm having trouble taking this seriously. Are we talking about a 150 lb woman hitting a 12-year old boy? If so, then there's a legitimate problem.
> 
> But if we're talking about a woman slapping her boyfriend because she just can't articulate herself properly it's a different kind of problem. Yeah she's a ***** but this is not the same as a man hitting a woman.


It's about equality.A man is going to get berated by observers then thrown in the cooling off tank at the local jail for slapping his girlfriend. A woman deserves the same treatment. Weight differences do not matter.Abuse is abuse. Everyone wants to demand equality but it seems they only want equality when it benefits them.


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