# Not Coping Well



## Ashattack01 (Nov 28, 2021)

My husband of 3 years informed me 3 days ago that he has filed for divorce. We had been giving each other the silent treatment prior to him telling me because we had gotten into a fight about his lack of communication with me when he decided to travel back to his home state of Michigan (we live in Utah) and didn't say anything until the last minute. He also ended up missing a birthday party for my mom that I had told him about numerous times. Prior to him leaving he had been very distant and seemed to be avoiding me every chance he got. He has never been a great communicator but the last few months have been really bad.
When he got back from Michigan I asked him if we were going to talk about our fight and he told me no. I ended up writing him a letter explaining why I reacted the way I did when he went on his trip and I went into detail about the depression that I have been dealing with for the past few months due to infertility testing and a recent job change. I asked him in the letter what was going on because it felt like he was either having an affair or he was getting ready to leave. He said he wasn't having an affair (I don't really believe him but I have no proof) and said that he has been unhappy for awhile and he had decided to move back to Michigan and file for divorce. I asked him when he did this and he told me a few weeks ago (well before our fight) and he had an attorney preparing the paperwork, but he was waiting until after the holidays because he didn't want to ruin them for me. I knew we were not in a good place but I foolishly thought we were still in a place that we could come back from. 

We have had problems a couple of years ago and he moved out for a few months while we tried counseling but asked to move back. 
about the time that he moved back he lost his job and decided to start his own business. During this time I took on the financial responsibilities of the household and supported him through the frustrations of his business. Things for the most part were going pretty well. Then he got a new job and things started to turn. I feel like he took advantage of me while he was vulnerable and then when he was financially sufficient and didn't need me anymore he threw me away. He said he didn't see it that way and he moved back with full intention of making our marriage work

I am so hurt and angry. I feel like a complete failure because I couldn't keep my marriage together. I left the house and moved I'm currently living at my parents house. I'm giving myself emotional whiplash going from rage to laying in bed crying and I feel so bad for my parents who are trying to hold me upright.
I am so bitter I can't even go on Facebook or social media because I see friends announcing their pregnancies and pictures of their happy marriages and I just can't understand why other people luck out. 
I feel like my life just took 5 steps backward and I don't know what to do. He seems completely unfazed by all of this.
We don't have kids together and we don't share finances, however I have a house that was purchased prior to the marriage that he is going after. So instead of an uncontested divorce that we can file and move on with our lives. I now have to get an attorney to fight for my house and make sure he doesn't try to screw me over. I asked him to tell me his attorney's name so my attorney can reach out to them, but he refuses to tell me any information. Everyone keeps telling me to get angry and take the fight to him, but I don't have any fight left in me at this point and I just want this to be over and done with
I feel like I'm mourning a death......the death of the man I married who was replaced by this monster that was sharing a bed and a life with me for weeks while ultimately planning to leave me high and dry.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You don’t have to be angry to deal with him, that’s what your lawyer is for. Stop all communication with him, refer him to your lawyer every time he makes contact.


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## kclark30 (Nov 6, 2021)

So sorry you have to go through this. I agree, stop all communication with him. Your lawyer can take care of that part for you. Divorces take time and there isn’t much you can do to speed things up. If it was me, I would be putting most of my energy into working and making myself financially strong. During the downtime, you gotta go through all the emotions. It sucks and it’s hard. Your ex sounds pathetic. I am a big believer in karma.


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## teutonic_metal (12 mo ago)

I agree with everyone else. I hate to hear this for you and kind of know what your going through. I am struggling with did she cheat, why didn't we communicate, etc. You may never know. I know you don't want a divorce but you can't make someone keep their vows. You might want to speak with an attorney. In the meantime, exercise, pray, meditate, reach out to family/friends. I am new but just offering whatever support I can. Best wishes!


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

Hi Op, you are grieving, and this process will take time. I know you that you want to understand why your husband is acting this way, but It won't change the situation you are facing. As others have suggested, look to yourself, do things to love yourself and let your lawyer deal with the divorce. 

Your STBX, is acting in a despicable way, im sorry he turned out to be a ass. Not all men are like him, but maybe set some criteria to tick off before getting married again


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

You sound like a good person. Women do this exact thing to men all the time since 80% of divorces are initiated by the woman. It's hard to say what's going on but maybe he met someone else. Was the relationship and sex life healthy? Did he ever mention problems?


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## QuietGuy (Aug 31, 2021)

Well your husband sounds like quite the piece of work. He may have male parts, but he is not a man in my books. Be very careful about just wanting it over. He will use that against you. Make sure you get a lawyer that is up to the task and instruct them to get every single thing they can for. Then refuse to talk about the divorce, just refer him to your lawyer. Sorry this happened to you. Good luck.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Get a lawyer asap. If the house is yours, you need to move back and HE needs to move out.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Andy1001 said:


> You don’t have to be angry to deal with him, that’s what your lawyer is for. Stop all communication with him, refer him to your lawyer every time he makes contact.


Best advice.


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