# She wants me to chase, but I'm growing tired of it...



## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

My girlfriend and I recently got back together after a 3-week separation. We have been doing the right things since, such as talking about our past issues that created problems, communicating more, not avoiding conflict etc. Just making our goal to make ourselves better and the relationship better.

One of the things she said from the get go was that she wants me to chase her. Just like in the beginning of our relationship. On a deeper level, I think she is just seeking more evidence that I am more committed to her.

Since I want to make the relationship work, I took the bait. And now, several weeks later I'm feeling foolish. Why?

So, I initiate nearly every text. Yes, she does respond to my texts. Sometimes quickly and other times, an hr or so will go by. No, I don't send a bunch of texts or phone calls. But I'm still usually the one doing this.

It's very rare that she initiates a text or phone call. I mentioned to her that even guys/myself like to hear from their girl every once in a while. She responded that since she wants me to "lead" (which I feel is a little different than chasing), that it also means me leading in the texting. 

I am leading in the relationship when it comes to making dates or seeing each other, but I'm wondering if I feel like I'm playing a head game with this texting. Like she's testing me to see if I am really thinking about her or care about meeting HER needs.
And it stinks, because when I think of her and I have a moment, I'll send her a text or sometimes give her a call. That's being genuine and honest, right? And if I am right about that, then why is she holding back reaching out to me if she is thinking about me too?

How do I tell her I need more from her without sounding "needy"? i don't need a bunch of texts. Just a couple a day that she initiates, that's it. For example, at work today, I sent out a text at 11am just seeing how she's doing. It was the first initiated text of the day. She responded an hr later. Now mind you, she works from home. She doesn't have the kid of distractions I have ( I work at a junior high school). I am 99% sure she can find a moment in the early day to say good morning.

I am concerned that if I continue chasing, she may lose interest or respect too. Yet, if I stop chasing and wait for her to reach out, she will likely get upset that I didn't reach out to her all day. She did this the other day when there was 4hrs that went by since we last spoke and I didn't ask her how her evening was going. Of course, I'm thinking, she's perfectly capable of reaching out to me, right?!?

Ok. I've been venting way too much.
This is why I want to tell her how I feel and my attentions that this texting will not be so one sided. What do you recommend?


----------



## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

You are venting because you are annoyed. 

You are annoyed beacuse you are passively giving up control of your life.

She wants to be desired. You do not want to chase, but you want her.

So, take control. Tell her you are not going to chase her anymore, you are going to have her. This is the relationship you want her to join, tell her what you expect from her and what you can offer her.

And leave it.

Chasing is one romantic notion, strong able man taking control is another. And you might both like that one.


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

The best way to win a game is to not play.
Try being with a woman who wants to chase you back. I bet you'll feel differently.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You have been a member since 2011.

How old are you?
How old is she?

Chase her? 
Like a dog does a ball?

I think the chaise needs to lounge on your back deck.
Stop this nonsense. 


Get a grown up GF.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I read your other thread, too.

She doesn't sound emotionally healthy. 

I predict problem after problem.

There's a reason you recently broke up. Perhaps you should have stayed broken up. I'm trying to help, from experience with a crazy making relationship with a "broken" man. I finally got out. The stuff she is doing, in this thread and your other one, is the kind of stuff I dealt with. It does not get better. I got out, what a relief.


----------



## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Houstondad said:


> I am concerned that if I continue chasing, she may lose interest or respect too. Yet, if I stop chasing and wait for her to reach out, she will likely get upset that I didn't reach out to her all day. She did this the other day when there was 4hrs that went by since we last spoke and I didn't ask her how her evening was going. Of course, I'm thinking, she's perfectly capable of reaching out to me, right?!?


Nah she lost respect for you a long time ago. She was probably surprised you actually agreed to the stipulation and with each text and planned date that respect goes way past 0 into negative territory because guess what, the minute you stop she'll have a ready made excuse that you didn't keep your end of the bargain (what exactly are you getting in return by the way) and it will be off with another dude who "shows her the attention you didn't.

Look at it from an alpha male viewpoint, it's all wrong, you're chasing so much you're even losing respect for yourself because you know it's a con.

From a partnership standpoint this relationship is already unbalanced. 2 people not sharing equally in each other or even enjoying themselves.

From your own viewpoint, if you don't want to chase or got something you need to say why not say it? Say you're unhappy and don't want to keep playing this game and if she says shove it then walk.


----------



## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

I read all this stuff that you are doing to try and meet her needs. What exactly is she doing for you to meet YOUR needs?

I have been with women like this, you cannot win or get ahead in this relationship. Bob is pretty much spot on.

Since you are not married and sound pretty unhappy, why not make the separation permanent (break up already)? There are lots of other fish in the sea, especially if you are in a large city like Houston. Throw the hook back in and try again.


----------



## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

double post


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

It's reasonable to participate in a relationship. Once... twice.. okay, I'll go a third time... now it's her turn. 

You can't fail the fitness test if you don't participate. 

...and to what ends is she fostering this relationship?


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Man the sex must be ****ing awesome for you to participate in this **** test marathon.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Satya said:


> *The best way to win a game is to not play. Try being with a woman who wants to chase you back. I'll bet you'll feel differently.*


*Chasing is foremostly a two-way project in any loving relationship!

Do not chase her anymore than she chases you!*


----------



## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

Many women love being pursued. It?s a classic feminine vs masculine polarization in relationships. The more masculine one partner is, the more likely their partner is to be feminine.

I?m very feminine- I prefer to be pursued, and my husband nearly always initiates texts. In fact, conflict usually arises between us when I?m taking on a more masculine energy than normal and start initiating, planning, controlling more.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Wow, HD, this is really crappy, sorry to say. Time to have a come to Jesus meeting about having a grownup relationship.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

So what is the end game for chasing? A more loving GF or just more chasing? If the chasing is not up to snuff in your GF opinion I would venture a guess this is a carte blanche to do whatever she wishes because, "you just did not seem to want me." 

Find someone a bit more mature.


----------



## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

I've said this before, but you are going about this all wrong and failing her test. You are demonstrating that you don't have as much value in the relationship as she does, since you are doing all of the work and she is blowing you off.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Me?

I chase em' once. Tackle em'.

Pin em' to the 'yes-or-no' commitment board. 

My game is to win or charge another hill -or- Helen, Hope or Helga.

No Hopes from Canada, uh, uh. They bite!


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Jessica38 said:


> Many women love being pursued. It?s a classic feminine vs masculine polarization in relationships. The more masculine one partner is, the more likely their partner is to be feminine.
> 
> I?m very feminine- I prefer to be pursued, and my husband nearly always initiates texts. In fact, conflict usually arises between us *when I?m taking on a more masculine energy than normal and start initiating, planning, controlling more*.


This is an OUTSTANDING perception.

Not dead on, spot on a live and moving target...a man's mind.

I know, I know...some men like to be led around by the nose. A fair share do not.


----------



## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> Jessica38 said:
> 
> 
> > Many women love being pursued. It?s a classic feminine vs masculine polarization in relationships. The more masculine one partner is, the more likely their partner is to be feminine.
> ...


So hard to put into practice sometimes though! It sounds to me like the OP?s girlfriend knows what she wants- a masculine man who will pursue her.


----------



## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

All I can add is that some women need constant attention and reassurance that you find them desirable. I had a girlfriend like that and she ended up seeking her reassurance from other guys. Some women want their men to be jealous. As someone married for 45 years, my advice is to stay clear from women who are high maintenance and require constant attention and reassurance from you.


----------



## Lia_lb2017 (Oct 6, 2017)

She thrives on the chase and the game. This is what this relationship is to her, a game. She has no plans on becoming the committed partner that you envision. If you keep chasing her you will cement yourself as the weak man who desperately wants her and will forever keep chasing her. Unless you're prepared to play this game your whole LIFE, move on it will NEVER stop.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I enjoy the chase and challenge actually, as I appreciate a woman who teases as well. Still, it's never a one-sided thing for me. A woman being chased makes it worthwhile and if she's not being chased she'll initiate in a more passive way - i.e. teasing. I don't like a woman being too forward when initiating (unless it's because I teased HER), I enjoy being the dominant partner, and hard to get adds to the spice.

However, in your case, it seems there's not anything coming from her side at all, making things feel one-sided.

Meh, I would let her go personally, there's being the passive/submissive partner, and then there's not being a partner at all - she sounds like the latter.


----------



## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

I've decided I am going to talk with her about all this chasing bs. I will tell her how I feel about the one-way leaning dynamic. I should say, that despite the one sided chasing, when we do talk, she makes a solid effort talking about wanting to improve the relationship,etc. 

Yesterday, we spoke over the phone in the late afternoon. We knew we couldn't get together last nite (I have my kids, she has hers and we're taking it slow reintroducing the kids). And she said she would call later that night and asked when I would be crashing cuz my other kid has a game early Sat morning. I told her I will crash around midnight. She said she had her neighborhood girlfriends and hubbies coming over to hang out and drink a few on the patio. 

I made the mistake of sending the first text a couple hrs later about the score of my daughter's game. She responded a little later. And we began a back and forth a couple times.

Then when it finally struck midnight, she texted me sorry it was late and she was wrapping up her plans with a couple of her friends that they had initiated a month back. Said they were about to leave.

That made me feel like a forethought. Unimportant. Yet, saying that makes me sound needy. I didn't say that. I just texted her it was late, and I was going to bed and good night.

How do I bring this up without sounding needy or weak? And am I right for being a bit pissed? Because if the shoe was on the other foot, she would be.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Erm... talk... ok...

How about the sex?


----------



## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Yikes. I sound needy as f in that last post. I shouldn't need her phone call for validation. I plan to play it cool when i talk to her, but i think its also fair to say that its best if she stays true to her word. Not wait till the last minute (actually she even missed the last minute, haha).
I dont expect her to be perfect, but the current lack of initiating on her part kinda magnified it.
I can see her apologizing about last night. My usual default response is, "no problem" or "that's ok". But its not ok.
So I'm trying to figure out what to say that is confident, yet recognizes that i didn't like being an after thought or that she chose to talk more with her friends and felt it wasn't that inportant to call me despite saying she would.
Oh, and the sex is good. Haha


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

She had friends over. They stayed longer than she anticipated. Was she supposed to kick them out because she had to call her boyfriend before his bedtime?

I think if you are stressing and analyzing communication to this point, might as well end the relationship. It's not a good one. 

I will also say you are probably bothered by this because the relationship dynamic this woman provides you is *complete crap*.


----------



## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

No, she doesnt nor should she kick them out. But out of courtesy, letting me know she can't talk before i crash would be thoughtful and respectful. 
And yes, the one sided dynamic is not helping.


----------



## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

So I spoke with her. Our therapist gave us CDs to listen to about letting the husband lead. My gf is taking it to heart because she would sometimes be bossy or controlling which pushed me away and doesn't want to do that again. While the CD is bent to Christianity (which I'm not, but I'm ok with as long as there's good advice) has been suggesting to my gf that men prefer to take the lead in the relationship. My girlfriend's interpretation of the CD talk, is that men take the lead in EVERYTHING. That includes phone calls, texts, planning, etc. As much as I like taking the lead, I do want input as well as an interest initiated from her too. We're not living in the old testament for crying out loud.
While I agree to an extent about planning and leading in family decisions, I think she's reaching with the texting and phone calls.
I told her men have needs too and a text or phone call here and there from their gf is nice. I don't need it all the time or even every day. 
My gf thinks this "leading" issue should be 70/30 or 80/20 across the board. She doesn't believe a man should lead in planning or decisions, but then let his wife initiate anything. But I told her it's not even close to that right now.
We plan to see our therapist on Wednesday to get some clarification.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

This is, what, the third or fourth breakup with her? 

Is she still pushing for you to move in with her?


----------



## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

This all sounds like a huge time sink and mind ****ery.
I would pass.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Houstondad said:


> So I spoke with her. Our therapist gave us CDs to listen to about letting the husband lead. My gf is taking it to heart because she would sometimes be bossy or controlling which pushed me away and doesn't want to do that again. While the CD is bent to Christianity (which I'm not, but I'm ok with as long as there's good advice) has been suggesting to my gf that men prefer to take the lead in the relationship. My girlfriend's interpretation of the CD talk, is that men take the lead in EVERYTHING. That includes phone calls, texts, planning, etc. As much as I like taking the lead, I do want input as well as an interest initiated from her too. We're not living in the old testament for crying out loud.
> While I agree to an extent about planning and leading in family decisions, I think she's reaching with the texting and phone calls.
> I told her men have needs too and a text or phone call here and there from their gf is nice. I don't need it all the time or even every day.
> My gf thinks this "leading" issue should be 70/30 or 80/20 across the board. She doesn't believe a man should lead in planning or decisions, but then let his wife initiate anything. But I told her it's not even close to that right now.
> We plan to see our therapist on Wednesday to get some clarification.


I think she is using this thought about men taking all the lead as an excuse to be lazy in the relationship. It should NOT take this much thought and discussion about small crap, like sending a text. I will say that when I am involved/in love, I will send random texts because I am thinking of him and feel like reaching out. I dont know a single woman who doesnt do that. It sounds like she wants you to be in charge of everything so she doesnt have to make any effort... and a woman who doesnt want to make any effort is a woman who just isnt really into her man. 

MY interpretation.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Houstondad said:


> So I spoke with her. Our therapist gave us CDs to listen to about letting the husband lead. My gf is taking it to heart because she would sometimes be bossy or controlling which pushed me away and doesn't want to do that again. While the CD is bent to Christianity (which I'm not, but I'm ok with as long as there's good advice) has been suggesting to my gf that men prefer to take the lead in the relationship. My girlfriend's interpretation of the CD talk, is that men take the lead in EVERYTHING. That includes phone calls, texts, planning, etc. As much as I like taking the lead, I do want input as well as an interest initiated from her too. We're not living in the old testament for crying out loud.
> While I agree to an extent about planning and leading in family decisions, I think she's reaching with the texting and phone calls.
> I told her men have needs too and a text or phone call here and there from their gf is nice. I don't need it all the time or even every day.
> My gf thinks this "leading" issue should be 70/30 or 80/20 across the board. She doesn't believe a man should lead in planning or decisions, but then let his wife initiate anything. But I told her it's not even close to that right now.
> We plan to see our therapist on Wednesday to get some clarification.


My take is that she does not like this bit about the man leading. So she being passive aggressive and basically saying that if you want to lead than it's all on you buddy. you say that she used to be bossy. Well, this is just her being bossy in a passive aggressive way.

The idea of one person 'leading' I a relationship makes no sense at all. It's a partnership. The two of you should be able to work things out without artificial rules like that.

Sure if one of you is better at something, say one person is really good with handling the bills/money, then let that person handle that (or lead in it). But it's a joint decision to decide that one person takes on the major responsibility (not all the responsivity) with a particular task.

This relationship is way too hard. It sounds to me like you are trying to make this work, to force a square peg in a round hole. Maybe you just need to give up on this relationship.

{And hi Houstondad. Wish you were not struggling so much.}


----------



## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> My take is that she does not like this bit about the man leading. So she being passive aggressive and basically saying that if you want to lead than it's all on you buddy. you say that she used to be bossy. Well, this is just her being bossy in a passive aggressive way.
> 
> The idea of one person 'leading' I a relationship makes no sense at all. It's a partnership. The two of you should be able to work things out without artificial rules like that.
> 
> ...


I agree Ele! I've always believed a relationship is team work and that it takes both to make things healthy. It's very likely that this is being passive aggressive. While I believe there are things us guys should do to lead when it comes to family and in the relationship, I do not believe it should be a part of EVERYTHING. She's not lazy by nature, so I doubt it's that and if it is, it won't last long. And the worst scenario, not being into me, is unlikely.

She believes that if I take the lead in EVERYTHING, that it will make me feel like she's not being controlling or bossy. But if I take the lead in EVERYTHING, that by default could be dominating/controlling. 

We see our counselor tomorrow. It is a great opportunity to get clarification from the counselor and see if my gf is misunderstanding the CDs. And if she is right, I'll tell the counselor I don't agree with his philosophy. Period.

Oh, and Hi Elegirl! It's been a long time!


----------



## cma62 (Jul 31, 2010)

HD....your girlfriend sounds very needy in one sense and controlling in another.

It seems too one sided....you have to do all the initiating of texting, making dates, phone calls etc.....that can make you feel very undesired , like she doesn’t want to make the effort too.

You can still do some chasing but there should be some reciprocating chasing happening too.

I think it’s very selfish and needy on her part to expect this from you.

Tell her this is not working for you but you will be more than willing to chase her to the ends of the earth as long as next week she is on another train chasing you....only fair.

It’s unrealistic to expect the man to do all the chasing....you will get very tired and resentful of this very fast.
You need to feel desired and pursued to feel she cares about you as well and not just about herself.

Time for a CHAT


----------



## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

Do that thing like you did as a kid with the football and tell her to 'go long'. Let her keep running far, far away.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

cma62 said:


> HD....your girlfriend sounds very needy in one sense and controlling in another.
> 
> It seems too one sided....you have to do all the initiating of texting, making dates, phone calls etc.....that can make you feel very undesired , like she doesn’t want to make the effort too.
> 
> ...


Needy and controlling are not at the opposite ends of the spectrum.

Neediness typically comes from fear. Fear leads to controlling.


----------



## cma62 (Jul 31, 2010)

@farsidejunky...I agree....misuse of words and explanation on my part


----------

