# Really stupid, I know, but need some advice on wife masturbating



## sunnycoast

Please bear with me as this is my first post.

Need some honest advice from the ladies on this.

Sunday morning was just relaxing in bed with my wife, when I got up to get a drink of water. When I returned to bed, my wife was awake and I started to give her a nice cuddle and stated to pet her clitoris. She moved my hand away and told me just to "relax" and then started to talk about the day ahead. I took this to mean "Ok, doesn't feel like making love this morning", no huge issue, as after marriage for almost 12 years, sex with my wife has pretty well slowed down to maybe once a week anyway.

The thing was, after 10 minutes of chat, I got up to go downstairs and to get showered and dressed. But when I came back up the stairs to grab my jeans, I see my wife is still in bed and even though she has the sheets over her, she is obviously masturbating. I just grabbed my jeans and left the room as I didn't want to embarrass her.

I REALLY don't have a problem with her masturbating, in fact I have told her before that if I was away on work, she should be comfortable using her vibrator if she felt the need. I have also told her that, on occasion I have masturbated as well, and she has actually walked in on me in the act as well. I guess I am looking at this from a man's perspective, but when I masturbate, it is normally a case of my need to release when her drive doesn't match up with mine, or it has been maybe 10 days to 2 weeks between love making.My problem is, why does my wife masturbate when only 10 minutes earlier, her husband was giving what I thought were clear signals I would like to make love,yet to be told "just relax", moving my hand away from her intimate areas, and yet I walk into the room to find her getting off?

Again ladies, I am not saying she is not entitled to masturbate, but given the situation I feel this was a real mixed message. Was I wrong to feel hurt that I was rejected only to find her taking care of business on her own? Any thoughts?


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## Blanca

i dont think you were wrong to feel hurt. its pretty obvious that she didnt want to be intimate with you. has she complained about the sex in the marriage? maybe she just wanted something quick and simple and is just a poor communicator? have you ever asked her how often she masturbates?


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## lbell629

You shouldn't feel stupid and you should ask your wife about it. Right now you can only guess as to what was really going on and why she was doing it, but you'll never know for sure until you talk to her. For all you know she wasn't in the mood when you were there wanting to have sex but maybe she was getting into the mood by the time you left so she felt the need to take care of herself. We could probably give you a million reasons why she was doing what she did, but you won't know for sure unless you ask her.


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## michzz

sunnycoast said:


> She moved my hand away and told me just to "relax" and then started to talk about the day ahead. I took this to mean "Ok, doesn't feel like making love this morning", no huge issue, as after marriage for almost 12 years, sex with my wife has pretty well slowed down to maybe once a week anyway.


You do not know for sure that this meant she didn't want sex. Maybe she didn't want to be touched there first. A slower approach could have been it.

OR

You started the launch sequence and she was thinking of getting some from you after she'd signaled noninterest.

OR

Maybe she wanted you to catch her and and hve sex and you misinterpreted.

Then again, you could be spot on.

If I were you I would ask her about it.


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## cb45

just plain selfish of her.
its not rocket science here folks.
whys that u say? well, i think she noticed him tho' he says not.

thus u have what many men here have written about, and that is being taken for granted.


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## lime

It could also be that she knows better than you what she likes, and she doesn't want to bother with sex--after all, she knows exactly what feels best, and doing it herself is the quickest and easiest way. 

Next time, you could stay with her and let her keep touching herself--involve yourself by kissing her, etc. but don't try to take over for her. Watch what she does and learn from it, and show your enthusiasm that she's taking interest in her own sexuality, even if she's not interested in intercourse. This might make her feel more comfortable sharing her likes and dislikes with you, and it might create some fun new opportunities. The trick is to show interest and involve yourself while still letting her take initiative--if you do this instead of leaving the room, she will feel more accepted, and you won't feel like you have been rejected.


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## aw5756

I have done this before and I can tell you that it's because reaching the big "O" is nearly impossible during sex for me. Sometimes, I want to make love to my husband regardless of the outcome because it feels good to be that close. And other times, I just really need to climax to help relieve some stress and it happens everytime I masterbate. It's a messed up situation and I hate it being that way but it is very difficult for women to achieve that result during sex.


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## sunnycoast

aw5756 said:


> I have done this before and I can tell you that it's because reaching the big "O" is nearly impossible during sex for me. Sometimes, I want to make love to my husband regardless of the outcome because it feels good to be that close. And other times, I just really need to climax to help relieve some stress and it happens everytime I masterbate. It's a messed up situation and I hate it being that way but it is very difficult for women to achieve that result during sex.


Thanks for the info and input everyone, this has been an amazing help. I know my wife does have a lot of trouble having an orgasm during intercourse, regardless of how long I take, even when I offer to stimulate her afterward (maybe its a subconscious thing). I guess what I am truly grateful for is that at least she feels comfortable enough to give herself pleasure this way, so thanks again for listening.


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## Therealbrighteyes

The stats say that nearly 80% of women cannot climax during vaginal sex. Sometimes we just want to get off without having to please a partner. I was only able to climax during intercouse 6 months ago. I am 38 and have been married for nearly 17 years. I still loved sex and it was because he is a great lover, despite being very frustrated that I could not climax during sex. 
God played a cruel joke on mankind when he put the clitoris so far away from the vagina.


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## Therealbrighteyes

And Sunnycoast might I add, this might sound odd coming from a woman, but here goes....
Men use porn. Why? Sometimes it is the easiest way to get off. No expectation. Just you and yourself. How is a woman using a vibrator any different? I will admit, men don't like to hear that. It's a double standard.


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## sunnycoast

Just a quick update on where we are at...

Finally got up the courage to ask wife why she felt the need to masturbate when her husband was giving what I thought were clear signals I was ready to make love. Dear wife informs me that I sometimes don't give the impression I am ready to go (deep down I know that's true at times...sometimes I "withheld" sex waiting to see if she would be the one to initiate once in a while).

Told her that I understand the need to masturbate at times, and made sure she knew I was comfortable with her doing so *IF* it meant that she was willing to make sure my needs were satisfied as well.

She also told me she finds it VERY difficult to orgasm through vaginal sex, and finds she gets frustrated with herself that she is having trouble doing so. Again, I let her know that please don't be afraid to let me know if she needs more manual stimulation or wants to use her vibrator after we have made love. I told her I understand that I can't physically complete with what a vibrator can do for her, but I also have come to terms with her using it on the basis that a vibrator can't give her the intimacy I can.

Thanks to all for your posts. It has been a help.


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## posh7

Have you tried differnt positions? I find it sad that so many women find it difficult to climax.


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## lynst

sunnycoast said:


> Just a quick update on where we are at...
> 
> Finally got up the courage to ask wife why she felt the need to masturbate when her husband was giving what I thought were clear signals I was ready to make love. Dear wife informs me that I sometimes don't give the impression I am ready to go (deep down I know that's true at times...sometimes I "withheld" sex waiting to see if she would be the one to initiate once in a while).
> 
> Told her that I understand the need to masturbate at times, and made sure she knew I was comfortable with her doing so *IF* it meant that she was willing to make sure my needs were satisfied as well.
> 
> She also told me she finds it VERY difficult to orgasm through vaginal sex, and finds she gets frustrated with herself that she is having trouble doing so. Again, I let her know that please don't be afraid to let me know if she needs more manual stimulation or wants to use her vibrator after we have made love. I told her I understand that I can't physically complete with what a vibrator can do for her, but I also have come to terms with her using it on the basis that a vibrator can't give her the intimacy I can.
> 
> Thanks to all for your posts. It has been a help.


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## Keff

Your not the only one out there bud. Ask her if she needs any help, or if you could do anything to make it more "sexy".
Do not know if this will help as I am going through the same with my wife..doh!!


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## Catherine602

sunnycoast said:


> Just a quick update on where we are at...
> it meant that she was willing to make sure my needs were satisfied as well.
> 
> She also told me she finds it VERY difficult to orgasm through vaginal sex, and finds she gets frustrated with herself that she is having trouble doing so. Again, I let her know that please don't be afraid to let me know if she needs more manual stimulation or wants to use her vibrator after we have made love. I told her I understand that I can't physically complete with what a vibrator can do for her, but I also have come to terms with her using it on the basis that a vibrator can't give her the intimacy I can.
> 
> Thanks to all for your posts. It has been a help.


Ahhhh strange but you Id the problem but seemed to gloss over the solution.

She is sexually frustrated that is the problem. She is telling you that she would like you to work at getting her to orgasm when she has sex with you. She is probably left frustrated seeing you orgasm using her body. Telling her that the "intimacy" that you provide is better than an orgasm with a toy on her own, seems a little obtuse. She obviously does not agree with you. She enjoys the orgasms that masturbation gives her and needs to experience them with you and that seems to be more satisfying than the "intimacy" with you absent of orgasms. 

If she has an orgasm by herself then she is capable of having them when you both have sex. You have to work on it with her. Instead of telling her to bring a toy to do herself after taking care of you you needs, tell her that you want to make sure that she has orgasms with you and you want to work on it. Your response to her frustration seemed to center on what you need and what she should be happy with. It will not work, she told you about the problem and your response seemed off hand and insensitive, especially the intimacy thing. I suppose intimacy means hugs kisses cuddling? Woman need orgasms too, that's what you wife is telling you. 

Let her know that you care about her pleasure and orgasms and that since she has told you about her frustration, you will work on it with her. If you need more information about female sexuality then read the many good books on female orgasms and what women need to help you wife.


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## Catherine602

cb45 said:


> just plain selfish of her.
> its not rocket science here folks.
> whys that u say? well, i think she noticed him tho' he says not.
> 
> thus u have what many men here have written about, and that is being taken for granted.


How can you say she is selfish when she has been providing her husband with orgasms and getting nothing herself for 10 years? That is not selfish but giving to him, the fact that the sex leaves her frustrated leads her to have to take care of herself. How is that selfish? She has endured 10 years of frustration, do you think that men are the only ones that should have satisfying sex? 

If you encourage him to see her as selfish he may become demanding without working on the real problem, her 10 years of sexual frustration. The fact that she is still having sex with him is amazing to me but I don't think that will continue if they don't work on the real issue.


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## vsaul

i honestly think you should talk to your wife seriously, the strong bond in a marriage is communication. if you go off speculating you will only be pondering as to why, ask her where you went wrong and if so how you can make it better. Maybe she may feel you not doing it the way she wants it and feels she cannot say anything to you because you may feel hurt, if not that maybe she is angry with you but you should ask her and know the exact problem.


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## chillymorn

If she hasn't told him all these years that she is unsatiaified with their sex life. then shame on her she should have told him what she likes and what she dosn't like but was probley embarrassed or afraid to hurt his feelings. 

so ladies listen up tell us what feels good and men listen to them.

by the way it works both ways women listen to what he like and most likley everone wins.


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## Mrs.LonelyGal

chillymorn said:


> If she hasn't told him all these years that she is unsatiaified with their sex life. then shame on her she should have told him what she likes and what she dosn't like but was probley embarrassed or afraid to hurt his feelings.
> 
> so ladies listen up tell us what feels good and men listen to them.
> 
> by the way it works both ways women listen to what he like and most likley everone wins.


Yup.
Communicate. It really does work....even if your partner isn't a good communicator, they will often follow your lead if you are open and willing to listen.


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## chefmaster

Brennan said:


> The stats say that nearly 80% of women cannot climax during vaginal sex. Sometimes we just want to get off without having to please a partner. I was only able to climax during intercouse 6 months ago. I am 38 and have been married for nearly 17 years. I still loved sex and it was because he is a great lover, despite being very frustrated that I could not climax during sex.
> God played a cruel joke on mankind when he put the clitoris so far away from the vagina.



The research states that 20-26% of women can reach orgasm without clitoral stimulation. This is accurate. Where the data gets cloudy is that even with clitoral stimulation some women are afraid to "let go" or are just more comfortable having an orgasm alone.

The problem lies in that few are aware they can achieve clitoral stimulation during intercourse through the pubic bone of the male and also the g-spot. The g-spot is only about 2 inches in a straight line from the clitoris and the clitoris has tissue reaching down there.

You were likely able to achieve an orgasm from vaginal intercourse 6 months ago because his hips were lowered an inch(or raised, if from behind) causing the penis to brush the g-spot for the first time or brush it hard enough to get the job done. Or he began thrusting in a way that caused his pubic bone to begin directly stimulating the clitoris.

To do both at the same time is aka the Coital Alignment Technique.


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## Catherine602

chefmaster said:


> The research states that 20-26% of women cannot reach orgasm without clitoral stimulation. This is accurate.


Actually the research is that only about 30% women can reach orgasm with penetration. A lager proportion 70% need on average 15 to 20 mins of clitoral stimulation. Problems reaching orgasm are varied but many can be fixed. UCSB SexInfo Online - How Many Women Reach Orgasm/Multiple Orgasms During Sex?


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## chefmaster

Catherine602 said:


> Actually the research is that only about 30% women can reach orgasm with penetration. A lager proportion 70% need on average 15 to 20 mins of clitoral stimulation. Problems reaching orgasm are varied but many can be fixed. UCSB SexInfo Online - How Many Women Reach Orgasm/Multiple Orgasms During Sex?


Yea I edited it to say CAN. Statistics in this area are fairly useless anyway unless they are derived from a clincal setting.






My point is if it's done properly, with both having the knowledge and communication to work on it together, it can be acheived throught the simple act of intercourse because the all the tools needed for stimulation are already in place.


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## Catherine602

chefmaster said:


> Yea I edited it to say CAN. Statistics in this area are fairly useless anyway unless they are derived from a clincal setting.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> My point is if it's done properly, with both having the knowledge and communication to work on it together, it can be acheived throught the simple act of intercourse because the all the tools needed for stimulation are already in place.


Actually every creditable survey has shown the same numbers, amazingly. So that is the reality. The work in this area is not useless at all and many of the studies have been carried out at in controlled clinical centers and have been publishes in the literature. Look up the Kinsey Institute and I believe there is work being done at medical centers, Michigan comes to mind. So if you want to s]check my facts head over to theses sites. 

It is interesting that there is still so much misinformation given that there is so much information in the last 15 years and it has even starting to filter out into the popular media. Lack of knowledge is at the root of a lot of sexual problems. The belief that you can work on having a vaginal orgasm is misguided. 

No amount of work will make a woman who is anatomically or physiologically made to orgasm by clitoral stimulation, orgasm by vaginal. Why not just accept the reality of female sexuality? It would make things much more successful between man and women. Why resist? It is what it is. 

I am being persistent because misinformation perpetuates myths. There is a big difference between 70 and 26% of women who cannot orgasm by vag sex. The overwhelming majority of women do not. The important thing is that if a woman is having problems with vag orgasm she is in the overwhelming majority of women who need clitoral stimulation and not a minority.


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## Atholk

Brennan said:


> God played a cruel joke on mankind when he put the clitoris so far away from the vagina.


Doesn't giving birth hurt enough without the baby scraping the clit on the way out?


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## Atholk

The easy solution is in missionary postion the wife stimulates the clit with her fingers.

Vastly easier that the CAT.


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## MsLonely

sunnycoast said:


> Please bear with me as this is my first post.
> 
> Need some honest advice from the ladies on this.
> 
> Sunday morning was just relaxing in bed with my wife, when I got up to get a drink of water. When I returned to bed, my wife was awake and I started to give her a nice cuddle and stated to pet her clitoris. She moved my hand away and told me just to "relax" and then started to talk about the day ahead. I took this to mean "Ok, doesn't feel like making love this morning", no huge issue, as after marriage for almost 12 years, sex with my wife has pretty well slowed down to maybe once a week anyway.
> 
> The thing was, after 10 minutes of chat, I got up to go downstairs and to get showered and dressed. But when I came back up the stairs to grab my jeans, I see my wife is still in bed and even though she has the sheets over her, she is obviously masturbating. I just grabbed my jeans and left the room as I didn't want to embarrass her.
> 
> I REALLY don't have a problem with her masturbating, in fact I have told her before that if I was away on work, she should be comfortable using her vibrator if she felt the need. I have also told her that, on occasion I have masturbated as well, and she has actually walked in on me in the act as well. I guess I am looking at this from a man's perspective, but when I masturbate, it is normally a case of my need to release when her drive doesn't match up with mine, or it has been maybe 10 days to 2 weeks between love making.My problem is, why does my wife masturbate when only 10 minutes earlier, her husband was giving what I thought were clear signals I would like to make love,yet to be told "just relax", moving my hand away from her intimate areas, and yet I walk into the room to find her getting off?
> 
> Again ladies, I am not saying she is not entitled to masturbate, but given the situation I feel this was a real mixed message. Was I wrong to feel hurt that I was rejected only to find her taking care of business on her own? Any thoughts?


I prefer MB. Sex is always the same with hubby. I think it even more troublesome with hubby as after sex, I have to wash and clean up myself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely

Rub it or better go down to lick it?
Women can rub themselves very well. Why would she need an extra hand (your hand) to rub her? 
Guys you want to help don't take the short cut and make her feel you're unnecessary. Go down and make her feel you meet her needs! Give her a surprise in every step! "Relax" means you should start from kissing her neck.


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## chefmaster

Catherine602 said:


> No amount of work will make a woman who is anatomically or physiologically made to orgasm by clitoral stimulation, orgasm by vaginal. Why not just accept the reality of female sexuality? It would make things much more successful between man and women. Why resist? It is what it is.


The whole point of my post is that a myth is being perpetuated here, though there is a tiny amount of the female population who have a less pronounced g-spot, or not g-spot at all. 

I'm familiar with Kinsey. In the modern era it was Freud who began this myth to begin with, due to lack of medical evidence and research.


1. *Having problems with vaginal orgasm* is one thing. 

2. *The belief that you can work on having a vaginal orgasm is misguided.* 
and 
3. *No amount of work will make a woman who is anatomically or physiologically made to orgasm by clitoral stimulation, orgasm by vaginal and 70% of all women are anatomically or physiologically made to orgasm by clitoral stimulation.* 

2. and 3. are complete falsehoods.

All 3 of which you have said in this one thread.



Do a search in TAM or google "Uteral orgasm", it identifes how clitoral stimulation through the pubic bone, g-spot stimulation with vaginal penetration and stimulation of a little known spot further into the vagina create a Uteral orgasm that is quite frankly amazing and it is made possible by all these areas being stimulated. 
Try not to think about them like being separate areas to choose from or that one area is inadequate so you must use another area to orgasm. Keep in mind that the most mysterious of all erotic areas, the brain, is capable of many things.


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## Catherine602

chefmaster said:


> Do a search in TAM or google "Uteral orgasm", it identifes how clitoral stimulation through the pubic bone, g-spot stimulation with vaginal penetration and stimulation of a little known spot further into the vagina create a Uteral orgasm that is quite frankly amazing and it is made possible by all these areas being stimulated.
> Try not to think about them like being separate areas to choose from or that one area is inadequate so you must use another area to orgasm. Keep in mind that the most mysterious of all erotic areas, the brain, is capable of many things.


You have had orgasms using these techniques? Why are you not presenting your data to the esteemed institutions in the US, noted for research in the area? May I suggest the Kinsey Institute, or the Female Sexual Medicine Center at University of California, Los Angeles (UCLA). 

Anyone in the lounge who happens to come across this tread, visit the UCLA web site, Dr. Jennifer Berman, Expert Female Urologist, Female Sexuality | His and Her Health, lots of good information backed by scientific research. Female sexuality is finally being given the attention that it deserves in the medical community. Real evidence will replace dogma from the last century like, "women should orgasm by vaginal sex".


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## chefmaster

Catherine602 said:


> "women should orgasm by vaginal sex".


Is that anything like "women should stay home and clean"?

No, no one here is telling women what they 'should' do.

All I am saying is don't tell me that women who have never had a vaginal orgasm cannot gain the knowledge, put in the effort, and actually achieve one, because that is false and you are setting women up for failure and it's simply not true.

Do you really want all women who come to this site depressed about not being able to not have vaginal orgasms to only see only one helpless point of view and the rest of us not to chime in telling them what their options are?

I'm gracefully bowing out of this argument now because I come to this site to learn and to help, not to argue.

I won't enter into it again in any other post seeing as it is a sore subject.

What I will do if I see the myth perpetuated again is simply add a disclaimer post including of a compilation of things I've said in this thread, and then move on to the next post.

I know the feelings associated with this issue and I'm sorry for having upset you, if I did. My apologies.


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## sisters359

A lot of women don't CARE about vaginal orgasms, and if their men didn't act like intercourse was the "main event," and treated sex as love-making--of her whole body-then these women would be happy. In my experience, men who just want to get to intercourse "go through the motions" of stimulating a woman--as quickly as possible, so the guy can "get his" without any real concern for her pleasure. Then they wonder why the woman is unsatisfied--and trust me, this happens even when a woman is explicit about her needs. 

Hmm, maybe our physiology is the way it is so a woman can distinguish a guy who really cares about her from one who just wants an available hole. 

If a man acts like VO is the "goal," he's sending a clear message that he does not really care about her. 

It isn't a "helpless" point of view to de-emphasize them. It's a patriarchal point of view to suggest they are somehow essential. Being able to achieve orgasm is all that matters; there is no "right way" or "wrong way," so lets quit harping on how to achieve a VO unless a woman specifically asks, and lets be sure to tell her is only ONE of many options and her partner needs to understand (through her guidance) how to please her in many ways.


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## michzz

What I glean out of this thread is that some people are convinced of something, others convinced otherwise. Still others have hostility for whatever stance.

Seems to me, that finding a path to satisfaction for the one to get it is a great focus. And who goes first really doesn't matter--unless it does.

So understanding your intimate partner's needs, perceived needs, and basic physiology go a long way when attached to a caring attitude.


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## Trenton

What I get out of this thread is that women don't know enough about their bodies and should:
1. Figure it out
2. Expect a man to be willing to help them once they figure it out


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## Mom6547

chefmaster said:


> All I am saying is don't tell me that women who have never had a vaginal orgasm cannot gain the knowledge, put in the effort, and actually achieve one, because that is false and you are setting women up for failure and it's simply not true.


I agree with this. It was certainly the case for me.


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