# Is fighting for my marriage backfiring?



## churley79 (Feb 28, 2016)

So. I am going through a separation too. But mine is really mentally screwing me up because my wife and I are living together until she can get her a place. After she told me I did the typical freak out... I'll do better, I'll do this, I'll do that. I begged, I cried, I grovelled. It wasn't until after I did all that, that I read to NOT do that. 

She has told me the stereotypical "I love you not IN love" line. She wants to move out to find her happiness... She can't find it here. And she'll only agree to counseling IF she moves out. But I am not handling the thought of her moving out well... At all. 

I treated my marriage more like a part time job than a life commitment. I always lived under the assumption that I could act, behave, treat her however and she would always be here. Because... Well, marriage. Don't get me wrong, I love my wife dearly and I never cheated on her. I just acted like an immature spoiled brat who threw temper tantrums when things didn't go my way. 

So since we're living together but splitting up I'm living the roommate life with my wife. Which ironically enough was her biggest quarble with us. That I was emotionally and sexually absent. Which of course led to the cheating accusations. Nights on the couch, wanting to hold her, kiss her and hear her say "I love you" it all adds up to a big pile of suck! 

I still tell her I love her.. Cause I do. But I get myself in trouble when I start going on about how it'll be different, I'll change, etc... It paints me as being selfish for not taking her feelings into consideration. I ask her to stay, reconsider, anything. And she gets mad, I get upset. Then the vicious circle spins. I feel like I need to fight for her and us. But what's it helping if the ultimate outcome is hurt feelings and a broken heart? Is the fight backfiring on me? Am I actually hurting my chances of reconciliation by trying to mend the fragmented shards of our marriage now?

I stumbled across a preacher on TV today (I know televangelists don't have the best rep). It was Andy Stanley tanning about starting over. I just feel like that may be what we need. A reboot of our marriage. A mulligan if you will. But he said something that hit me. "Time is your friend - not your enemy". I lived under this belief that I had to fix it ASAP. But if she relents and agreed to stay this soon eventually it will lead to bitterness and resentment. It will ultimately NOT be any benefit at all to me or her. I can't hold her hostage in this marriage. It has to be her decision and not something I can force onto her. 

Anyways. I know this has been long-winded and I apologize. But if you've made it this far thank you for reading. If you believe in the power of prayer (I do). Could you please spare a moment to say a prayer for us? 

Thank you..


Sent from my XT1526 using Tapatalk


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I could have--- probably did write your words myself.

Do you really think she is moving out to work on her marriage with you? 

Are you really sure there's nobody else? Mine told me that for two months while she made it sound like it was all my fault. Then I found out on my own about her sexting, sending nude pics, and who knows what else.
Your wife is lying. She is also mind f'ing you into thinking you are such a scumbag of a husband. None of us are perfect. But you may not be nearly as bad as a woman makes you feel when she has found someone else and needs to put her guilt off on someone else-- YOU.

Ask yourself:
Does she stay on her cell?
Turn her phone when she gets a message so you can't see?
Change in sex habits recently? More? Less? Different positions suddenly?
Acting distant?

You are being boonswoggled.

Regardless, if your wife moves out, your marriage is over. Count on it.
If she moves out, I would immediately file for divorce.

There's likely nothing you can do when it gets to this point. No matter the reason, she's done with you. Sorry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*You deserve far better out of life! 

Sounds as if you are her "Plan A," shortly to become her "Plan B!" Methinks that she is fooling around behind your back!*


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Well, she might not be cheating or have another partner. She could just be fed up with your [email protected] 

You tell her that you love her. Talk is cheap. How did you SHOW her you love her?

Go back to your first post and remove your name at the bottom. Use the Edit button.


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

I will never understand how a couple can live under the same roof once one wants out of the relationship. I know it happens a lot, but I could not do it for more than a few days. Which is how long it took me to find an apartment when my husband said he wanted to splt. I would have gone to a motel, or to a friend, if it was any longer. But that is probably beside the point. I am not getting the feeling that she really wants to wotk things out. Once she moves, I would be surprised if she agrees to joint counseling. Chances are there is another man or the hopes of another man.

If she really wants to go, and won't talk about it, you need to let her go. Just be watchful that she isn't going to string you along just in case her "new life" does not work out as she planned. You could end up being Plan B with your own wife.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

She wants to wait until she moves out, so it's easier to say--/ btw, I'm not going to MC. She wants out as soon as possible to be with her OM.
Simple.
Doesn't want any snooping or fussing about it. I'll bet my next paycheck on that
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I will pray for you both, yes. But my prayer will be this...that wherever God leads you both, that you feel the strength from Him to follow His path. If you do believe in God, make Him your center. I highly recommend watching the movie, ''Fireproof''...it just might save you both.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

*Deidre* said:


> I will pray for you both, yes. But my prayer will be this...that wherever God leads you both, that you feel the strength from Him to follow His path. If you do believe in God, make Him your center. I highly recommend watching the movie, ''Fireproof''...it just might save you both.


Great movie. I stream rented it, then bought the DVD. And I am guy who hates Lifetime Channel, "chick movies" etc.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
It may indeed be that your wife has met someone or is desirous of same. Or it is possible that you have presented yourself as desperately needing her. If some believes that they have control over the situation then they will act accordingly. My advice would be to tell her you understand her feelings and that you deeply regret the way you have acted and behaved but that you now realize that her happiness is elsewhere, and so is yours.

I would then make arrangements to move her out. If she is not surprised but rather excited by the prospect then you have your answer as she is more interested in having "freedom" than you or the marriage. At that point she is most probably already gone. If however she is startled by your suggestion then perhaps she will feel as though she is no longer in total control.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Separation is usually a prelude to divorce or more ability to spend with someone else,

Could be she's tired of you and your deficiencies but to make sure you know what you're up against check your phone bill.

Go online and look for a lot of texts/calls to a specific number.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

If she has a side lover, then I wouldn't fight for the marriage. Only if this is a true separation to determine the next steps and no OM/OW are involved would I be willing to 'fight.' Just my opinion.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

So, how long will it be before OP claims there is no other man, and how long will it be before he changes his answer?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Evinrude58 said:


> So, how long will it be before OP claims there is no other man, and how long will it be before he changes his answer?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Cynic


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> Great movie. I stream rented it, then bought the DVD. And I am guy who hates Lifetime Channel, "chick movies" etc.


Definitely good if you're a Christian. I'm not sure it would mean much to an atheist, although there are some points in the movie, that can really apply to anyone, regardless of their beliefs.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

*Deidre* said:


> I will pray for you both, yes. But my prayer will be this...that wherever God leads you both, that you feel the strength from Him to follow His path. If you do believe in God, make Him your center. I highly recommend watching the movie, ''Fireproof''...it just might save you both.


Isn't that the one where the husband has to compete with the hunky doctor for his wife's affections? That doesn't sound very Biblical to me... although I'm not an expert on the Bible.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

tech-novelist said:


> Isn't that the one where the husband has to compete with the hunky doctor for his wife's affections? That doesn't sound very Biblical to me... although I'm not an expert on the Bible.


The doctor is a very small side note of the movie, but it shows what happens when two people give up on their marriage...their gazes turn to others outside of the marriage. 

The crux of the movie is about how a husband learns to make Jesus the center of his life, and then he realizes that by doing so, this will cause him to be selfless as a husband towards his wife. That marriage is about sacrificing daily for your spouse. He had a porn problem in the movie, and this also gravely affected the marriage in a negative way. It's not the best of acting, but the message is very positive and powerful.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

*Deidre* said:


> The doctor is a very small side note of the movie, but it shows what happens when two people give up on their marriage...their gazes turn to others outside of the marriage.
> 
> The crux of the movie is about how a husband learns to make Jesus the center of his life, and then he realizes that by doing so, this will cause him to be selfless as a husband towards his wife. That marriage is about sacrificing daily for your spouse. He had a porn problem in the movie, and this also gravely affected the marriage in a negative way. It's not the best of acting, but the message is very positive and powerful.


I haven't seen that movie, but Dalrock did a very detailed analysis of it: https://dalrock.wordpress.com/2011/10/30/firebombed/

He doesn't think it is very Biblical, and from the way he describes it, I don't see that it is either.

Again, I'm not a Biblical scholar.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

tech-novelist said:


> I haven't seen that movie, but Dalrock did a very detailed analysis of it: https://dalrock.wordpress.com/2011/10/30/firebombed/
> 
> He doesn't think it is very Biblical, and from the way he describes it, I don't see that it is either.
> 
> Again, I'm not a Biblical scholar.


The movie isn't about the Bible. So...not sure of your point.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

*Deidre* said:


> The movie isn't about the Bible. So...not sure of your point.


The point is that some people recommend it as a movie on Christian marriage. I don't see how that is possible if it is inconsistent with Biblical teachings on marriage.

And unless Dalrock has woefully misrepresented it, it is also not consistent with the advice given here because the husband tries to "nice" the wife back into being in love with him via the "pick me dance" as it is sometimes referred to.

This works in the movie but doesn't work in real life.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

It's about a marriage, between two Christians. Christians are no different than anyone else...they lose their way; are imperfect; and are sinners. It's about restoring your marriage and using Biblical principles.

You are right....sometimes, when two people aren't on board for restoration "nicing" them to death appear weak. Especially, when one is in the thick of an affair. It just doesn't work.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

tech-novelist said:


> The point is that some people recommend it as a movie on Christian marriage. I don't see how that is possible if it is inconsistent with Biblical teachings on marriage.
> 
> And unless Dalrock has woefully misrepresented it, it is also not consistent with the advice given here because the husband tries to "nice" the wife back into being in love with him via the "pick me dance" as it is sometimes referred to.
> 
> This works in the movie but doesn't work in real life.


That’s not at all what the movie was about. It had nothing to do with ‘pick me.’ 

I’ve seen it a few times, and that is not the take away. The take away is to be selfless in one’s life with everyone, especially our loved ones/spouses. And how that mindset (which is a Christian premise) is what actually helped the main character to regain his marriage back again, only a better marriage than before. Kirk Cameron who plays the main character, is a very outspoken Christian, so…he wouldn’t make a movie that contradicted the Bible, but this is why there are so many denominations, for no two Christians can agree on various interpretations of Christianity. 

Anyway, I offered it as a suggestion, this isn’t a movie review thread. Lol People can watch it and decide for themselves.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

> I treated my marriage more like a part time job than a life commitment. I always lived under the assumption that I could act, behave, treat her however and she would always be here. Because... Well, marriage. Don't get me wrong, *I love my wife* dearly and I never cheated on her. *I just acted like an immature spoiled brat who threw temper tantrums when things didn't go my way.*


I believe you believe you love your wife, but you didn't demonstrate it in a way that most of us understand what it means to love your wife. You have a definition for love in your head that most of us don't share. 

What most people understand about love is that you care more about your partner's happiness than your own. So rather than throwing a tantrum when you didn't get your way, you realize her way makes her happy and you either go along or have a rational discussion to come to an agreeable compromise. 

From reading your post, when you say 'I love you', it sounds more like 'I need you'. I need you so I don't feel lonely. I need you because I need affection. 

People are bringing up that she might be having an affair, which is a possibility, but it sounds like the 'loving marriage' hasn't been there for a while. You were basically roommates. That doesn't justify if she really is having an affair, but the affair wouldn't be the cause of the problems.

At this point, the way to demonstrate true love for her is to do what would make her most happy. Would she be most happy if she stayed with you? Or is that just for your happiness? If you want to show you truly love her, you may need to let her go and do so because you want her to be as happy as she can be. She may never come back to you, but if that's the right thing for her, you should do it even if it means more heartache for you.


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