# Going to wedding with separated wife



## homer (Jul 19, 2011)

Hi,

We have been separated for more than 8 months now after almost 20 years of marriage.
Since I moved out, our relation ship has been improved. Lately we talk, eat and spend time together almost every day. We are still far away from reconciliation as my spouse claims that she does not know yet what she wants with her life. 
Initially I was physically abusive in our marriage as a respond to verbal abuse. Also there were some other problems that push me away from my wife and then she got involved in one on-line relation ship while still lived together and then second one which I believe recently ended up.
I went for counselling but she never wanted to do counselling either on her own or together.
As said, we have no more problem communicating and we have been respectful and very civilized to each other since then. Also we are raising two kids together while they still live with her.
This week we are going to weeding out of town and driving together. It was her choice to stay in the same room, single bed to save money. She said we are not idiots; we can be in the same room.
I am madly in love with my wife but not so sure about her. Lately she is responding to my small flirts and I see her eyes spark from time to time when we look each other. 
Anybody was in similar situation? Not so sure how to recognize signs if there will be any. 
I am afraid that my mind seeing what I want to see. Don't want to hurt my wife anymore. If she wants to be friends then I will accept it but she keeps telling me that she does not know what she wants. She still insists that I am her husband. Our friends know we are separated but at her work place only one person knows about our situation.
Guess I should know better considering my age but I am really lost. Hope somebody will be able to share similar experience.
Thanks


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## StartingAgain (Jun 29, 2011)

homer said:


> Initially I was physically abusive in our marriage as a respond to verbal abuse.


Obviously, I am not your wife. And I don't know her nor do I know you very well. But you wanted some advice and I'm awake, so you're going to get some insight from me. You're mileage may vary if its at all useful.

First of all, I want to comment on the quote I made above. I read your entire post, and when it was done, this was the only thing I read that I heard the first time through. 

The wording implies to me (a woman) very defensive and blameful. "I was physically abusive to her because she was verbally abusive to me." Neither abuse is good, but one does not justify the other. When you can say to yourself, I physically abused her and it was wrong. Then you will be a step closer to winning your wife back. When you can say to yourself. I failed to have restraint in my wife's anger to keep from being physical, then you are one step closer to having your wife back.

Mind you, I'm not condoning your wife's behavior by any means. But I am pointing out that just because you were attacked verbally doesn't justify physical violence. You can walk away from words. You cannot walk away from strength.

I say this from experience. The most terrifying moment in my life was when STBXH and I were having heated words. I was beyond reason, so angry at him. I was mean and cruel. Not because I wanted to hurt him, but because he had hurt me emotionally so much that I felt I had to avenue to express my pain but lash at him.

He put me in a choke hold. And for a split second, I honestly believed he might choke me. He had never shown me any violence before, not even a raised voice. But in that moment, I knew, I didn't really know him. 

I claimed to forgive him for that. But lookng back now, it scarred me more than I realized.

Ok. So, no more hitting. About the spark in her eyes and no knowing what she wants.

Most people on these forums who have recently been left might say "She doesn't know what she wants" means there's another man in her life. Please read that with a grain of big salt. While it might often be true, it isn't always.

i've said the same thing to my husband. Before and after we started discussing the D word. But as we draw further away, I realize that I do know what I wan.

I want a man who will treat me well. I want a man who won't be sharp and rude and cruel and snarky and all the things that made me come to fall out of love with him. I want him. He is the only man I've known for 16 years. But I don't want his bad behavior.

When I look at him now, after all the books he's read and promises of change, I'm just wishing and praying for him to treat me well. And when he lashes out, in his pain over being told that I don't want him anymore, I am fueled into thinking that my choise to leave was the right one. 

Go to the wedding. Relax. Try to set aside all the feelings of anxiety over what the future will hold and enjoy the moment with her. She's respond to that. If she snuggles close, accept her. But don't advance more. Let her initiate. 

Compliment her freely on her choice of gown, or her hair. But don't over compliment till it seems forced or staged.

If you used to open the door for her, please do it again this time.

Leave your anger at home. Just go enjoy a wedding.

And when you watch those two people join together, try not to get caught up in the nostalgia that was your wedding, or what seems to be slipping away now. Just let them have their day, this isn't your day for pity. Be happy for the couple. You can mourn the potential loss of your own marriage any other day, today you need to take a day off.

And for GODs sake, don't drink too much if at all. No sense having your inhibitions get in the way of behaving. 

Again, I'm not you're wife. But if you were my husband this is what I would say.


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## homer (Jul 19, 2011)

Thank you very much,

I really appreciate your input. You are absolutely right; being physically abusive was not right thing. This is something that I am not trying to condemn or excuse myself. Absolutely opposite, but can not change past. I have to leave with my actions. The question is if my wife will be able, not to forget but find a peace with it. I fully understand her if not. 
She asked me why I have been so nice to her. Where this change came from?
I don't know. Honestly... It is almost two years since last incident and I know that I will never be phisycal with my wife or anybody else. I will continue to be caring separated husband and most likely ex. husband because she deserves the best.

At this moment I can only hope for my wishes to become true but as said I know I have to live with my actions and its consequences. One of them is loosing my wife as a spouse for good. Not what I am hoping for... At least I know I still have a friend.

Again, thank you very much for your input. Really appreciate...

All the best...


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Any changes for the better are for YOU not her. 

If in the future you are blessed to meet and win the heart of a good, kind, loving woman, your permanent changes will bring happiness to both.


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## homer (Jul 19, 2011)

Well, we went to wedding and it was really good. Both of us agree this was our best vacation ever even was so short. 
On our way we have stopped to visit one big city. Enjoyed walking through old town, enjoyed sightseeing, food, everything. We were laughing like we were kids again. Late evening we continued to our destination. Same night we have visited our friends for whom daughter weeding we are going to. Next day we spend time visiting the city, having city tours, taking pictures... We have seen couple of shows… We were really busy but could not stop chatting and laughing…
Wedding went ok and we left earlier as we wanted to be alone and spend time in the city. Again we spent night walking, talking, having a few ****tails…
Next morning we have spend some time in the city again, went to see our friends to say good bye and finally we were on our way home. Long drive, something like 9 hours and we talked all the time.
We have talked about everything but not about us or any logistics about kids or any other kind. It was about us having fun.
We did not have any physical contact even slept in the same bed. 
Pictures from the trip are already on her face book page. My pictures are there too.
Personally I don't know what my spouse wants to do with us now. I don't want to put any pressure on her but it does not make sense continue for long like this either. We have been spending a lot of time together in last three months but again not sure how to proceed towards reconciliation. Sometimes I have feeling she wants us back together and sometimes she does not know what she wants. We really never stopped communication and seeing each other but this trip was sooo good.
Any thoughts are welcome…

Thanks….


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well it sounds like you had a blast!

My advice is to keep your expectations low. Did either of you ever file for anything?


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## homer (Jul 19, 2011)

No we did not... 
When my spouse introduces me to new friends, colleagues from work (recently changed a job), she always introduces me as a husband. Even she told me that she still consider me as a husband as technically we are. We are not divorced, we do not have separation agreement. Simply she asked me to leave a house which I did. She told me what she expects from me (child support, etc...) and I have always respected our agreement.
It is all good now. Any arguments are behind us. 
Yes, I am confused for how long I want to continue like this.
Last night even she made a joke, telling me why I did not try anything while we were alone in the hotel room. Laughingly I told her, I know you will tell me that but added that I have respected her wish. And she said, you have no idea how much I appreciate that. She is going for a vacation with a girl friend ( a week) and I will use this time to sense my feelings (which are very strong) to realize for how long I want to continue like this.
If we get together great, if we not I will appreciate her as a person we spend more than 20 years together. Don't want anything from house, don't want part of the house, nothing. Will continue supporting her and children but will need my space. Will be always there for her when she really need me but not for small chats. Only question is if she will reconsider before I will say I don't want this situation anymore.


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## homer (Jul 19, 2011)

My wife or what I beleive she is, since saturday is on vacation on caribians with a girl friend. This morning got an email from her, asking how am I doing, how she got sick, asking about kids. As I offerd to work on house renovation she asked me not to work hard. This is all nice but nothing about us. Us as a category, we don't exists.
I am really getting ready to pull a plug from our merriage. Yes I know, I had my part in her looking for online relationship which she claims she ended but I am afraid she has anoher one. Regardless, she does have or not seems I am not in her mind. At the same time she is being so nice to me so I am afraid that she might me reconsidering and I will pull the plug.
Does anyone have positive or negative experiance for how long to wait. I know everybody is different but help me to learn how to read signs. How to find out what she really wants? I can not stand another one, "I don't know what I want"


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

homer said:


> How to find out what she really wants? I can not stand another one, "I don't know what I want"


My interpretation based on my own experience, so take it for what it is worth.

"I don't know what I want" = "I want to see how this plays out with the OM, but I want you here for a backup plan. I want my cake and I want to eat it too."

If she doesn't "know" she wants you, I would move on. It's taken me a very long time to get to that point. 8 months of separation is more than enough time to figure out what she wants, in my opinion.


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