# Am I a doormat? Is my marriage beyond hope?



## confounded (May 13, 2011)

I've been struggling now for some time wondering if this is the end of my marriage. And I'm too embarrassed for myself and my husband to talk about it with my girlfriends. So I'm stuck. Feedback, please!!

Here's the situation:
Met my husband abroad. He immigrated to be with me. We have been married for six years and have a 3-year old.

A few months after my daughter was born, I was on the computer and found a photo of his genitals on the computer as though it had been attached to an email or posted to a board. I checked the web history on our browser and found he had been visiting sites about random hookups, glory holes (??I didn't even know what that was!!), etc. He was doing all of this while I was breastfeeding our daughter in the other room. I felt terribly betrayed and confronted him about it. He said he felt terrible, had not sent the photo anywhere, had not acted on it, and was just "curious." 

I suddenly found myself suspicious of my husband-- something that did not come naturally to me. 

We continued for another 18 months with a diminished but active sex life and marriage. Then one day I saw a text come in on his cell phone and he deleted it right away. It made me suspicious. So that night I got up in the middle of the night and went to check his phone. There were no incoming messages in his inbox, but in his outbox, I found all kinds of messages arranging rendezvouses with women AND men. I was devastated.

When I confronted him with this, he was terribly upset, said he had a problem, had only tried to meet up with someone (a man!) once and chickened out. He went to see a counselor at my demand and worked with him for a few months-- said they identified that he tended to engage in these activities when he was "bored" (whatever!). I haven't seen any additional sites or texts on our browser or his phone since, but of course he is wiser now. I genuinely believe that he was upset about hurting me but he is selfish.

Since then, we have not had sex in a year (in part because I'm not sure how to trust him, and in part because he is not particularly affectionate with me). He has never been very huggy-kissy but even less now. When we talk, it is more him talking AT me rather than with me. I am a fairly intellectual person and frankly am bored. Additionally, he has either grown to be more whiny and self-centered, or I'm noticing it more now? It makes me crazy. 

I don't know what to do. 

pro's to divorce:
I don't have to deal with whiny, lazy, selfishness, nor do I have to expose my daughter to that example daily.
I don't have to worry about the cheating, or the blow to my self-esteem of having a husband around to is apparently indifferent.

con's:
my daughter growing up without her dad, for the most part
i can't stand the thought of him having her alone, let alone god forbid if he goes back to england, because of the bad example he would set.
financially it would be challenging.
i think he would be very hurt if I divorced him.
our parents would be devastated
not sure i would ever find anyone else-- while i am smart, funny, hardworking and successful, i am obese.

The thing that is really killing me is that in the last three months, I have started having nightly dreams about other men-- not erotic dreams, but dreams in which these men clearly care about me. Similarly I have an innocent crush on a work colleague (which I would never act on-- he is married), but it hurts me because I see the stark comparison between him and my husband.

I have mentioned couples therapy several times in the last year to my husband and he does not want to do it. When I bring up my feelings about our marriage, he ends up angry as though my feelings are unfair criticisms.

I'm just so tired and sad. I have gotten medication for depression, which is helping some, but I just feel like the status quo is not acceptable, so what do I need to do to fix this or move on? 

Need advice, please.


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## KathyGriffinFan (Apr 4, 2011)

Confounded, I'm sorry that you're going through this.

To be blunt, what, if any part, of your marriage do you have left?

He's cheated with women and men, put you in harms way for a STD, cheated on both you and your child, is uncaring and lazy and you don't even have a sex life at this point.

You listed your cons as:

my daughter growing up without her dad, for the most part
i can't stand the thought of him having her alone, let alone god forbid if he goes back to england, because of the bad example he would set. What state do you reside in?

financially it would be challenging. It is for everyone. Child support, spousal support a possibility? 

i think he would be very hurt if I divorced him. You mean, just like he cared how you would be hurt if he cheated on you?

our parents would be devastated. Not their marriage, not their life, they'd have to understand. 

not sure i would ever find anyone else-- while i am smart, funny, hardworking and successful, i am obese. You can't rest your life on this. Just because you think you can't find someone, doesn't mean you have to stay with this toad. If you are obese/overweight, you can overcome it. It isn't impossible. Many on here find that once they overcome the hurdle and decide to leave, and really when changes our made to our life they are all scary, they find it necessary to work on themselves. This includes physical appearance.

Did you give him a slap on the hand for the cheating, it almost sounds like it wasn't even addressed. 
You don't have the problem, he has the problem. What he's done, and maybe even doing, is downright disgusting. He's seemingly continued with his cheating ways.

I can't tell you what to do, obviously, but do you even want to be with him at this point?


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## confounded (May 13, 2011)

Not really. 

But I think I'm afraid of (1) giving up too soon, (2) admitting I made a mistake (even though the marriage resulted in my daughter which outweighs any other regrets), and (3) my daughter having a harder time because of it.

I'm not certain that he has actually cheated. But I can't believe him when he tells me he hasn't either.

Child support is a possibility I suppose, but I make far more than he does now.


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## KathyGriffinFan (Apr 4, 2011)

confounded said:


> Not really.
> 
> But I think I'm afraid of (1) giving up too soon, (2) admitting I made a mistake (even though the marriage resulted in my daughter which outweighs any other regrets), and (3) my daughter having a harder time because of it.
> 
> ...


The various evidence you have found consistently remains the same. Your husband isn't just looking at porn behind your back, as you said, he's looking up "hooking up" sites and trying to arrange things. I think that is all the evidence you need. Perhaps you should also post your story in the "*Coping with Infidelity*" section and you'll get more responses as to what others think about your H's activities.


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## confounded (May 13, 2011)

good advice-- thank you.


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## SLRLeann (Jun 5, 2011)

I'm not a reader but recently purchased and read an excellent book. Too good to leave too bad to stay (something like that). I've read it TWICE! Get it....

Also, since things shift and change in relationships i don't think you can weigh options as if your weighing produce. It just doesn't work that way. 

In my opinion it's not his issues so much as the dishonesty. His sexual addictions can be worked through but he's got to be honest with himself and you first.

And yes, once we start pulling away from our spouse we start seein all the negative that we were able to overlook before. The further I feel from my husband the more unattractive he is to me. It eventually gets to where your blocked from seeing any good in the marriage at all.


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