# If your spouse lost the sexual ability



## Innercharm (Mar 9, 2018)

Sex is so important for lovers and married couples.
I m wondering if one of yours suddenly lose the sexual ability, due to car accident, disease, or other reasons,
what will happen?

will u still stay in the relationship or marriage, and loyal to him/her?
or will u stay but have secret lovers outside the relationship?

and how many really can handle this successfully?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

We discussed this in the early days of our relationship. If we still loved each other and the relationship was good, we'd stay together. However, we are both high drive and love sex, so we agreed that in such a scenario we'd be free to seek sex elsewhere. There is no need for the healthy person to suffer, too. And often, when such situations occur, the couple splits up because the healthy person still wants a happy life, and the sick/injured person has to cope alone, without a loving partner - that isn't a desirable outcome either. I think our agreement has a _better chance_ to create a good outcome for everyone.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I would stay with my wife.....and buy some toys.


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## Edo Edo (Feb 21, 2017)

I like sex a lot. A whole lot (enough that we've argued about it throughout our marriage because she's LD and I'm HD). But that is very different than if she was suddenly unable. Loyalty is loyalty - and I would find a way to make due without that part, while still loving and caring for her.


That being said, if she brought up the idea herself that I occasionally find a sexual outlet and I knew she was 100% serious, I would give that some consideration. Though it would have to be her idea. I would not propose it...


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

I would stay and pretend to be OK about it but inside be a seething ball of resentment. Be careful what you wish for. Wishing for a spouse who will stay with you despite an absence of sex is not always a "dream come true".


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

In sickness and in health as it was spoken. I would stay without issue. Unless my W is totally incapacitated she would find a means to satisfy my urge. Oral, hand, etc. If that was an impossibility, there is always a toy I guess. Rosy Palmer is always at my side.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

No question. Stay and support and love and cherish.

Life is always a risk, and marriage is the biggest risk of all. There are so many things that can go wrong, and disability is just one of them. 

I could never abandon my spouse or my vows if she suffered a tragedy not of her own making. 

Now if the theoretical car accident occurred because she was driving drunk or the disease was because of infidelity or even an event before marriage she hadn't warned me about, then the thought process would not be quite as black and white.


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

Its tough to answer as everyone is different. Alot of men already suffer from a wife that doesnt want to have sex (missing attraction, etc..) -> So if your not getting sex when your wife is healthy i wouldnt expect things to get any better after the loss of sexual ability. Infact, its just another reason for them to reject you even easier

Now, if you have a wife that already jumps your bones, and provides you with an abundance of sexual release, and they loose their sexual ability.. then that same partner might be more receptive in helping you continue the marriage with some type of hand/oral release....

But i dont know many men in category 2


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I would stay. (heck I'm staying with minimal sex even though she is healthy). 

What I think does matter is whether a person is doing what they reasonable can to compensate for any physical issues.


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

For me, if she can't I would most certainly stay and make the best life for everyone.

If she "won't" - that's a totally different story.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Innercharm said:


> Sex is so important for lovers and married couples.
> I m wondering if one of yours suddenly lose the sexual ability, due to car accident, disease, or other reasons,
> what will happen?
> 
> ...


Of course I would stay with him. I married him for better and for worse. I love him far too much to end a marriage over this. It would be a horrible, cruel, selfish spouse who left their husband or wife after they had an accident or were very ill. That's the time that our commitment is needed more than ever.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I think the way people handle this in part depends on age, and the "quality" of the relationship. If a young couple experiences this, and say she wants children and he no longer can, it's a good bet she'll leave and find someone who can meet that need. Some will adopt if that's an option, but that's not sufficient for everyone. Much older couples may be able to handle this better - they've established a good relationship, presumably (if not, then they'll probably split up at this additional negative in their lives), and don't have to face as long of a sexless future.

Everyone is different, and every relationship is different. Almost half of marriages fail anyway - add a major stressor, and the odds of failure for that particular marriage increase greatly.

People will do their best to handle what they can, I think, but for almost everyone there is a breaking point where they can't take any more.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

What if, what if, what if. You can drive yourself crazy with speculations.

Of course I would stay with my wife, and we would find a way to make it work. What a silly question.

What if my wife lost the ability to answer questions with the truth? Oh, wait... she did.

What if she couldn't enjoy vanilla sex? Oh, wait, she can't.

What if I get old? Oh, wait, I'm getting there!

Life is full of problems. We love each other. Unto death and beyond.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

WilliamM said:


> Life is full of problems. We love each other. Unto death and beyond.


Suffering can be a choice. I guess you've made it.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

It depends. For me to stay she’d have to be willing to do what she’s capable of....assuming you’re talking about a scenario where she still has use of ‘some’ body parts. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Assuming a person is still of sound mind and wants to please their spouse and be sexually active with them, there really is no such thing as, "unable to have sex."

Where there is a will, there is a way.

They may not be able to be swinging from the chandeliers and depending on the situation they may not be able to have penetrative PIV sex, but there are a multitude of of other sexual avenues. 

In my swinging days, I saw a number of people at swinging clubs and conventions etc in wheelchairs and on crutches and missing limbs etc so people can be sexual as they want to be and are willing to put in the effort.


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## Handy (Jul 23, 2017)

* WilliamM
Of course I would stay with my wife, and we would find a way to make it work.*

Working it out only happens in a few cases. Most of the time there is NO working it out. BTDT.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> Assuming a person is still of sound mind and wants to please their spouse and be sexually active with them, there really is no such thing as, "unable to have sex."
> 
> Where there is a will, there is a way.
> 
> ...


I don't agree. There are several senarios where it would be impossible for that to happen. If my husband became severely disabled/paralysed, or had a chronic or terminal illness the LAST thing I would be thinking about is myself and my sexual needs.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Handy said:


> * WilliamM
> Of course I would stay with my wife, and we would find a way to make it work.*
> 
> Working it out only happens in a few cases. Most of the time there is NO working it out. BTDT.


I dont agree at all. Those who meant their marriage promises and are therefore committed to their spouse will always work it out.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> I don't agree. There are several senarios where it would be impossible for that to happen. If my husband became severely disabled/paralysed, or had a chronic or terminal illness the LAST thing I would be thinking about is myself and my sexual needs.


But my point is if HE was still wanting a marital sex life and he was concerned about your sexual needs, he would find a way to at least give you some pleasure and express that he was still sexually desirous of you. 

He may not be able to perform like a porn star but he would at least put in the effort to do what he could. 

If I was paralyzed from the neck down, I would be doing a hundred push ups a day with my tongue so that I could do the best I could with what was still working. I may not be able to pound anyone like a pile driver, but I'd be able to strip the chrome off a bumper with my tongue.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> I dont agree at all. Those who meant their marriage promises and are therefore committed to their spouse will always work it out.


Yeah but how many perfectly able-bodied couples split due to chronic dissatisfaction?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> But my point is if HE was still wanting a marital sex life and he was concerned about your sexual needs, he would find a way to at least give you some pleasure and express that he was still sexually desirous of you.
> 
> He may not be able to perform like a porn star but he would at least put in the effort to do what he could.
> 
> If I was paralyzed from the neck down, I would be doing a hundred push ups a day with my tongue so that I could do the best I could with what was still working. I may not be able to pound anyone like a pile driver, but I'd be able to strip the chrome off a bumper with my tongue.


My thoughts would be 100% for HIM and not myself. If you were paralysed you would be almost impossible to move except with 2 strong people.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> Yeah but how many perfectly able-bodied couples split due to chronic dissatisfaction?


That's their decision, its not what I would do. 
Marriage for me isn't something you throw away when things aren't as you may like, except for serious abuse or adultery. 
My husband was married to his first wife for 23 years, and was never happy with their sex life. She rejected him countless times. He would never have ended the marriage himself because as he said, I made a promise to her when I married her.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

responses below. 



Diana7 said:


> My thoughts would be 100% for HIM and not myself.
> 
> *I get that but it doesn't change anything. My point was where there is a will there is a way. Selfless devotion may have worked for Mother Theresa but real people have needs. Both the disabled person and their spouse still have needs.
> 
> ...


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> responses below.


I am not going to expect a terminally or chronically ill partner to do that. They are far more important than my sex life.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> I am not going to expect a terminally or chronically ill partner to do that. They are far more important than my sex life.


But what about their needs and desires?????

I am talking about a disabled person who still has the will and the desire to maintain a marital sex life. 

What if they still want to have sexual expression within the marriage?


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

What's the alternative? We spend time on sex now, why not after an incident?

I know I would rather keep on making sure my wife enjoys herself than fill our time with anything else I can think of, and I am sure my wife would be more than pleased to keep on making sure I am sexually satisfied even if she couldn't enjoy it herself.

We already put in plenty of time on self improvement, and set aside time for enjoyment. If one of us became unable to enjoy sexual relations in some way there would be no reason to spend less time on sex.

Unless, of course, the person who is not able to perform sexually for some reason decided to discontinue spending time satisfying their partner. That idea seems impossible to fathom to my wife and I.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Innercharm said:


> Sex is so important for lovers and married couples.
> I m wondering if one of yours suddenly lose the sexual ability, due to car accident, disease, or other reasons,
> what will happen?
> 
> ...


I never loved my ex-wife in a sense that others are familiar with but she was/still is a good woman, and I like to give people what they deserve. So yeah, I would've stayed with her. (We divorced due to other issues but remain very amicable)

However, she wouldn't have allowed me to stay loyal to her sexually, she's not that selfish. So chances are it would have become an open marriage. I would have done the same for her if I was incapacitated.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> But what about their needs and desires?????
> 
> I am talking about a disabled person who still has the will and the desire to maintain a marital sex life.
> 
> What if they still want to have sexual expression within the marriage?


If they are able and want to then of course. However very sick/terminally ill people rarely do.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

If I were somehow disabled and could not perform...i would give my wife a hall pass to find a FWB.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

As someone here posted there is a big difference between can't and won't.

If I were to set up a camera and catch my W masturbating I think I would divorce her since she claims she can't.

I suspect from her body language with other people that she won't for me, but could for others.

In many cases can't and won't become the same word for the wife when she loses her attraction to her H. 

Tamat


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> But what about their needs and desires?????
> 
> I am talking about a disabled person who still has the will and the desire to maintain a marital sex life.
> 
> What if they still want to have sexual expression within the marriage?


 What about them? Marriage is for better and for worse.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

RandomDude said:


> I never loved my ex-wife in a sense that others are familiar with but she was/still is a good woman, and I like to give people what they deserve. So yeah, I would've stayed with her. (We divorced due to other issues but remain very amicable)
> 
> However, she wouldn't have allowed me to stay loyal to her sexually, she's not that selfish. So chances are it would have become an open marriage. I would have done the same for her if I was incapacitated.


A lot of us wouldn't do that even if our spouse offered the idea. We promised to be faithful when we married, there was no get out clause. Even if I said that to my husband he wouldn't cheat, even if he said to me I wouldn't cheat. We wouldn't say it though because we know that adultery is something that always brings bad consequences eventually and that's not what we want for each other. Besides that there is no way that I would want to have sex with anyone who I didn't love and wasn't committed to. Anyone who thought it was ok to have sex with me as a married woman just would interest me anyway.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Innercharm said:


> Sex is so important for lovers and married couples.
> I m wondering if one of yours suddenly lose the sexual ability, due to car accident, disease, or other reasons,
> what will happen?
> 
> ...


Ironically enough, I know how I would answer because this is what happened in my real life.

At one point, I developed a medical condition that made sex impossible for me for a while. It was a rough time for both of us, despite my attempts at other solutions. By the time my treatment was over and I had recovered and was ready to give sex a try again, my ex had developed a different medical condition, a more long-term one than mine. It was a rough time for me, but my ex didn't seem to notice or care to try any alternatives at all. I valued my integrity and my vows and kept my frustration to myself. I was patient and understanding and would have been faithful forever.

Then one day I discovered that "I can't do it anymore" was actually a big lie, and the real truth was that my ex had been having an affair since my own original, temporary, health issues.

We're now divorced.

So yes, some people can handle this, and some can't. It's a matter of character. Some people have integrity, some don't.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

Married but Happy said:


> We discussed this in the early days of our relationship. If we still loved each other and the relationship was good, we'd stay together. However, we are both high drive and love sex, so we agreed that in such a scenario we'd be free to seek sex elsewhere. There is no need for the healthy person to suffer, too. And often, when such situations occur, the couple splits up because *the healthy person still wants a happy life, and the sick/injured person has to cope alone, without a loving partner - that isn't a desirable outcome either*. I think our agreement has a _better chance_ to create a good outcome for everyone.


All things i have never thought before, not sure if i could do it myself though from either side of the fence, I would not want to hurt my partner since they would know what I was doing and I would feel devastated if i was unable to satisfy her and so she sought it elsewhere, its just a tricky situation and I hope I never find myself in it.

Me and my GF atre both HD her even more so than me so If I have issues i will be getting TRT, Viagra and Cialis to make old johnny boy work again :grin2:

Sex is one small part of the relationship but without it other areas start to suffer so its very important.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> Ironically enough, I know how I would answer because this is what happened in my real life.
> 
> At one point, I developed a medical condition that made sex impossible for me for a while. It was a rough time for both of us, despite my attempts at other solutions. By the time my treatment was over and I had recovered and was ready to give sex a try again, my ex had developed a different medical condition, a more long-term one than mine. It was a rough time for me, but my ex didn't seem to notice or care to try any alternatives at all. I valued my integrity and my vows and kept my frustration to myself. I was patient and understanding and would have been faithful forever.
> 
> ...


Very true, but I don't think its a matter of some CAN'T handle this, but that some WON'T. As you said, its character and integrity. Its whether we meant those promises we made or not. Its how much we love, value and respect our spouse. 

My husband had this situation with his first wife where she had been very ill and didn't have sex with him for 9 months. He would never have dreamt of committing adultery.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I would never leave or try to make my husband feel bad if he couldn't perform. While we have sex 4-8 times a week now and I really enjoy it. I could go my whole life without and not feel bad. If he's gone for a day I miss him.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> I think the way people handle this in part depends on age, and the "quality" of the relationship. If a young couple experiences this, and say she wants children and he no longer can, it's a good bet she'll leave and find someone who can meet that need. Some will adopt if that's an option, but that's not sufficient for everyone. Much older couples may be able to handle this better - they've established a good relationship, presumably (if not, then they'll probably split up at this additional negative in their lives), and don't have to face as long of a sexless future.
> 
> Everyone is different, and every relationship is different. Almost half of marriages fail anyway - add a major stressor, and the odds of failure for that particular marriage increase greatly.
> 
> People will do their best to handle what they can, I think, but for almost everyone there is a breaking point where they can't take any more.



This is a very good point. Many years into my marriage, I would definitely stay and never stray or take a lover. I would just work with what we had and make do.

Before kids when I was in my early 20's? That is a different animal and I would be hard pressed to really know which direction I would take. I definitely wouldn't ever want to leave her but my desire to have sex and reproduce have always been high.

Tough one there.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

@Hopeful Cynic

Ouch!


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