# she has gone what can I do



## down_under (Aug 15, 2011)

We have been married for ten years, it has not been a bed of roses but we always where there for each other. in the last couple of years its been patches of good and a sea of average. We have ended up living like flatmates, with lots of resentment

Two months ago we had the talk and agreed to try, we agreed to go on dates once a week and have a sunday morning breakfast together. I made a lot of improvements and am feel good about where I am going. We had fun but her heart wasn't in it and it was killing me. She confessed she wasn't felling it
I asked her to move out as I couldn't be the only one trying.
Its heart breaking I love her so much but i cant be with her if she dosn't love me.

She is living with family

I feel lost and not sure what to do ?

I dont want it to be over


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## justabovewater (Jun 26, 2011)

I think all you can do is wait and see. Live your life for you right now. As hard as it is, try to go about your daily life as normal. The first weeks are the hardest. My husband moved out about 4 weeks ago and it's not been easy. I have very little hope of us getting back together. He wasn't happy so I had to let him go. I'm hoping that during this time apart he either finds his happiness or finds his way back to us, but like I said, I have little hope of that. For the most part I'm getting through the days and nights ok. Just when I think I'm making progress I fall back (one step forward 3 steps back), but it's all part of the process, I guess. It's hard, I'm not going to lie, but you WILL get through this...we all will. Good luck, and keep posting here. Everyone has been really supportive here.


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## down_under (Aug 15, 2011)

Thanks its good to know there are people feeling the same pain.
Its hard most of my friends are shocked from the outside we had a strong marriage

All I want to do is call her but I know it wont help.

She has to want it


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## justabovewater (Jun 26, 2011)

I would advise, as badly as I know you want to, not to call her. Give her the space she obviously needs/wants. Its easy for me to say as my husband asked for a divorce and didn't move out for another month so it wasn't just an "up and leave" sort of situation.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Don't beg for your marriage, give the perseption that you are strong and confident in moving on with out her. 
Tell her that you only want to be with someone that is 100% commited to you and acknowledge her need to move on and you will do the same. Do this with a smile on your face!

Don't cry its unattractive, don't beg it empowers your wife to make any choice she wants. My point is taking the stance that you will no matter what succeed with or with out her and have the confidence that you will be better one way or another. This *will* generate your wife to second guess her dicisions. She is making choices right now that can be influenced by the way you act.

You can make her second guess her choices by giving her the perception of confidence and the look of strength that you will not wait aruond and you will not always be around later on down the road.

Or give her a reason to string you along, knowing you will alwas be around no matter what she does.


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## down_under (Aug 15, 2011)

You are right. I will stay calm.

I also dont want to hold onto a false hope.


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## The Count (Aug 14, 2011)

down_under said:


> Thanks its good to know there are people feeling the same pain.
> Its hard most of my friends are shocked from the outside we had a strong marriage
> 
> All I want to do is call her but I know it wont help.
> ...


Hardest thing in the world that mate. 

I'm going through something similar, been seperated a week now, and I still have no idea what she wants in the long term. Realising she isn't "feeling" it and there's nothing you can do about it is a hard admission to make to yourself. It's one I've very recently made and have accepted that fact for now. 

Just try and make a small improvement, anything, to your day to day life every day. Every little thing you do for yourself is one more thing you've done to take your life back into your own hands, even something as simple as getting out of bed can be a triumph when you're feeling as low as only people in our situation can feel. 

Whatever your wife is doing (mine is going on the social rampage at the minute, having a laugh, acting like she hasn't got a care in the world) is completely immaterial to you. Don't compare your actions to hers, don't belittle yourself, and don't be harsh on yourself for not doing enough. Everything you do for yourself is a minor victory in a time of despair. 

The laws of the Universe are on your side here. Act with compassion and dignity in the face of it all, and you will get your reward in the long run, even if that is only the knowledge that you kept your dignity throughout it all. 

Somewhere inside of you, inside all of us, is a small vital part that is beyond blood and bones and breath. That is the part of you that is untouchable. It's yours and no-one else's. Keep on trucking and that small vital part of you will come back and the whole world will see what you have become: a noble man.

You sound like you've had everything sucked out of you at the minute, much like I've had, and it hurts. It hurts so badly you think you'll never get over it. 

But you will. And I think that for kind and compassionate men married to heartless selfish women, things won't only be alright but far better than perhaps we ever thought they could be. 

Women like my wife have all the upper hand in the early stages. They act like they don't care, can be cruel, insensitive, belittling, and keep on chipping away at your self worth. 

The long term I think belongs to us, those who come through the pain and heartache with their dignity intact and try to do the right thing at all times. 

We'll have our day in the Sun one day my friend. Only we'll not gloat about it, but appreciate it for what it is when we eventually get there. 

In the meanwhile, just hang on. This place seems a good place to be with lots of support and encouragement from people who are all going through the same pain and hurt as each other.


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## down_under (Aug 15, 2011)

Thank you for your heart felt post.
I still have a sick and empty feeling. Last night i thought i heard
our car pull up my heart raced but it was a neighbour. 
The tears have stopped and i have been getting a lot of support
from family and friends
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

> Women like my wife have all the upper hand in the early stages. They act like they don't care, can be cruel, insensitive, belittling, and keep on chipping away at your self worth.
> 
> The long term I think belongs to us, those who come through the pain and heartache with their dignity intact and try to do the right thing at all times.


Well said, it is good to see that reminder! I too "wanted" to go on a wild streak but those closest to me just kept saying no just continue being strong and doing the right thing (despite me feeling at the moment that I was a perpetual failure). I wouldn't have even known HOW to go on a wild streak, I care too much about doing what I know is right though have a hard time facing when I haven't lived up to my own moral code which really is what is so hard about facing divorce, and all those things about me that contributed to an unfulfilled relationship.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

down_under,

You asked her to leave, she did what you asked, how are you expecting this to work out? Is she supposed to do something now? Good luck. You're still married, if you want her (and you should), bring her back home and work on your relationship from there. Call me whatever, but I can't see kicking a woman out unless there is a clear and present danger to life or property. The shattering of my fragile ego doesn't rise to the threshold.


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## down_under (Aug 15, 2011)

To add insult to injury i am house bound at the moment with a broken leg. I can do a lot of things myself but i cant carry anything and walk at the same time.
I am surrounded by our marriage. It will be 5 weeks before i can walk unaided
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Yeah, my wife started this I don't love you stuff a couple months after my mom died. It kills her not to be the center of attention (read drama)


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## Suemolly (Jun 19, 2011)

down_under said:


> To add insult to injury i am house bound at the moment with a broken leg. I can do a lot of things myself but i cant carry anything and walk at the same time.
> I am surrounded by our marriage. It will be 5 weeks before i can walk unaided
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh man, I just know how that feels. My husband left me while I was going through a leg injury. I was struggling to do everything on my own, and had to use public transport. Been going to the physio and things are much better now for me, but my husband had to throw in one just for good measure the last time we spoke - he sarcastically commented how I shouldn't really be using his insurance for my physio sessions now that we are separated. You walked out on your stay-at-home wife while she was injured and penniless, and then had the cheek to tell her she shouldn't use your insurance? I swear karma will come for those soul-less people. 

I agree with The Count. We just have to keep trucking on, hold on to our dignity, do the right thing and come off as better people in the end. Don't let this whole thing destroy us. There is light at the end of the tunnel.


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## down_under (Aug 15, 2011)

I still love her and would do anything.
I know its to little to late, why did we not do anything to stop this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

It's never too late but please throw out any self pitying and take direct action on your wishes


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## down_under (Aug 15, 2011)

I gave her a choice, balls in her court

commit to counseling or start splitting assets,


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Are you getting:

I love you but am not in love with you?
I need space to work things out
I never really loved you.
The spark is just not there any more?


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## down_under (Aug 15, 2011)

ing said:


> Are you getting:
> 
> I love you but am not in love with you? Yes
> I need space to work things out
> ...


 yes
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Regardless if she is willing to go to counseling, you should go for yourself. It will help you get through this.
My H & I have been separated for 6 months now, and even though it's been hard, I am still here. I actually started counseling about a month before he left, and it has done wonders for me. I am a completely different woman than I was when he left. Even though I don't want to live my life without him, if I have to I know I will be ok. 

If you tell her counseling or divide assets, be prepared to walk the walk, because chances are she is going to try to call your bluff.

Like you said, she has to want this. You'd be better off without her if the only reason she came home was because you begged and pleaded her to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

down_under said:


> yes
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


These are classic lines when someone is in the midst of an affair. Dig.. Check email. Check phone. Check Facebook

You need to protect your self. 

Follow the advice of the_guy.


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## down_under (Aug 15, 2011)

We talked today and had a good discusion.
We went through the options and talked about issues.
She does not want to go to conselling which is disappointing,
She believes we can talk through stuff.
I plan to go for ic to help me communicate.
I have come to terms with things and feel i can move on if i have to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## risha (Aug 20, 2011)

Awesome Thread! Wonderful forum!...


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## down_under (Aug 15, 2011)

She wants another week to think.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

I feel for you, going through the same thing but roles reversed with my wife telling me that about a month ago. Best advice I got was this - take the time to think about what it was that drove you apart. Work on the things you can control and work to make a better you. Gain your confidence back, keep with the counseling and remind your wife of what it was that brought you together.

I'm still trying to do that and taking the steps backward as well but thats what you do. You cant control anyone else but yourself so focus on improving YOU.


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## down_under (Aug 15, 2011)

thanks Sod

I have gone through all the outcomes in my head and still feel it worth trying.


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## down_under (Aug 15, 2011)

I asked her to dinner tomorrow night and she said yes.
Now i am not sure i want to. I am worried i am pushing to hard
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## down_under (Aug 15, 2011)

We went out to dinner and did not talk about spliting. We had a nice time and i got a good night kiss. It was the kind of kiss that we have not had in years.
I also started IC had my first appointment it seamed to go well and i learnt a bit about myself.
I am still paranoid she is seeing someone esle.
But i am working on myself and trying to put that to the back of my mind
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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