# Can you refuse a gift from your husband?



## LotusMRP (Dec 20, 2021)

So to cut the story short, my husband is a narcissist, basically does the bare minimum in everything and more. So I don't understand why he still buys me gifts. The reason I ask is this because he has a mistress who he takes out to expensive dinners and buys her expensive things but when it comes to me he doesn't make an effort. Recently, he traveled and came back with gifts and he started sorting out them out and he picked the most elegant and expensive gift and put it a side and said thats for his 'colleague', then he went ahead and stretched out another item and said i didn't really have time to get you anything because I was in a hurry so i got you a shirt. I wasn't really paying attention because I already knew he does things to trigger me even though i heard what he said i decided not to react but he kept on pushing it towards me.I still live with him and planning my exit,I don't know if I should still accept these gifts or reject them?


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

No gifts - just give yourself the gift of moving asap.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

I don't know if this guy is a narcissist or not, 
but what is interesting is the fact he has a mistress who he takes out to expensive dinners 
It looks like this guy wants you out of his life and using the gifts to show you that your not important , 
Why he can't end it with you I don't know 
why your have not moved out yet is more important than what so called gifts you pack up , 

IF the question is about the gift of a shirt if it looks good take it, if you don't like it don't as it is going in the bin anyway 
but why are you waiting around


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Keep track of the money he spends on his mistress if you can get that info. My sister did that and when she divorced her husband, she got 50% of the marital assets and the judge awarded her an additional sum equal to all the money she could prove he spent on his mistress/girlfriend. It's called wasting marital assets. Basically, he's stealing from you when he spends money on her.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

LotusMRP said:


> ...The reason I ask is this because he has a mistress who he takes out to expensive dinners and buys her expensive things but when it comes to me he doesn't make an effort.
> 
> ...stretched out another item and said i didn't really have time to get you anything because I was in a hurry so i got you a shirt.
> 
> ...


People who are married communicate in so many non-verbal ways, tone of voice, facial expressions, body language. You may not have verbally reacted, but I wager that you signaled him your feelings.

You know he has a mistress. Why do you put up with that? Before or after your exit from this marriage learn about setting explicit boundaries with partners. You will lead a much better life.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

How long have you been married? Are you with him for the money?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Accepting a gift or not is the least of your worries.

Why are you even thinking about things like that?


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Your post isn't about gifts. It's about infidelity. For your husband to show you the expensive gift for his mistress is beyond insulting & tacky. 

Give yourself a gift -- get out of this hell.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

He wasn't, by chance, handing out *DIGNITY, SELF RESPECT*, or *PRIDE* from that gift bag, was he?

Because I *highly* recommend you happily accept a big healthy dose of all three of those items if he's handing them out. You're sorely in need of them.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Please seek legal advice and get yourself out of this toxic marriage.


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## rugswept (May 8, 2019)

Beyond disrespectful. He puts your M to the side all the time. 
Don't be concerned about refusing gifts from this unfit husband.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

There has to be some history here, additional threads I haven’t seen. 

Look, he has a mistress. I realize all these guys are reading these books that tell them to treat their wives like crap but we really, really don’t need to put up with this. Get an attorney, get a job and walk away.

Maybe we need to write a book called “No More Mrs. Nice Lady” so women can learn to stand up to these abusive, neglectful bullies who cheat in your face and belittle you all the time. This is absurd.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It wouldn't apply in my case because if my husband had a mistress I would be long gone. Why aren't you?


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

So would it had made a difference if the really nice, expensive gift was for you? Why would you accept any type of gift from someone who treats you this way??


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Since you are planning your exit, and I'm assuming you are actively planning it and taking steps to get out now and not just thinking about it down the line, I wouldn't rock the boat over any gift. I wouldn't do anything to put his antenna up and I would just be meeting with my attorney and getting their advice as to how to protect yourself financially and have them process moving forward with divorce.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

snowbum said:


> How long have you been married? Are you with him for the money?


She has other threads that give more detail.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

LotusMRP said:


> So to cut the story short, my husband is a narcissist, basically does the bare minimum in everything and more. So I don't understand why he still buys me gifts. The reason I ask is this because he has a mistress who he takes out to expensive dinners and buys her expensive things but when it comes to me he doesn't make an effort. Recently, he traveled and came back with gifts and he started sorting out them out and he picked the most elegant and expensive gift and put it a side and said thats for his 'colleague', then he went ahead and stretched out another item and said i didn't really have time to get you anything because I was in a hurry so i got you a shirt. I wasn't really paying attention because I already knew he does things to trigger me even though i heard what he said i decided not to react but he kept on pushing it towards me.I still live with him and planning my exit,I don't know if I should still accept these gifts or reject them?


I have some questions for you.

In your first thread here on TAM, you called him your "partner". Now you call him your "husband". Are you actually married to him? The response to this could change the advice you get from people.

Do you live in the US? Yea, I know that there's US flag under your name. But at other times there was a flag from another country. Again, the country you live in could change the advice you give. You don't have to reveal your country is you don't want to, but it would be very helpful to know.

Have you seen an attorney? If so, how far along is the attorney in filing for your divorce and/or separation?

Do you have a job yet? Are you job hunting?


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Take the shirt, you never know when there could be another toilet paper Armageddon.


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## masterofmasters (Apr 2, 2021)

your husband openly has a mistress and you are worried about gifts?

give yourself the best gift of all and divorce this clown. move on and find yourself a man who will make you his one and only priority.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

LotusMRP said:


> So to cut the story short, my husband is a narcissist, basically does the bare minimum in everything and more. So I don't understand why he still buys me gifts. The reason I ask is this because he has a mistress who he takes out to expensive dinners and buys her expensive things but when it comes to me he doesn't make an effort. Recently, he traveled and came back with gifts and he started sorting out them out and he picked the most elegant and expensive gift and put it a side and said thats for his 'colleague', then he went ahead and stretched out another item and said i didn't really have time to get you anything because I was in a hurry so i got you a shirt. I wasn't really paying attention because I already knew he does things to trigger me even though i heard what he said i decided not to react but he kept on pushing it towards me.I still live with him and planning my exit,I don't know if I should still accept these gifts or reject them?


What an absolutely horrible human being. get rid of him, she can have him. No doubt if he is a diagnosed narc the novelty will wear off her too. So sorry you are in this situation. Read as much as you can on narcissism as knowledge is power, look at materials by Meanie Tonia Evans or Tracy Malone.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Awwww, you need to expose. She is a mistress, and gold digger. You see a shark lawyer and devise a plan to separate him from allllll of his money. Mistress will follow tout suite. Then, leave him penniless and in your dust.


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