# How would you interpret this message



## KanDo

My wife works out of town for a good part of the year. Getting in touch is sometime problematic and we occasionally use text messaging. During a slow back and forth text session I received this text from her (she apparently was in two different conversations)

"Damn, I want to have two lives. One here (in city 1) and one in (city 2 where I live). I want Jim and KanDo (me) so I can have both."

What would you think?


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## Runs like Dog

I would want to know who the 4th person is & I'd interrogate the hell out of them to find out WTF is going on.


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## notaname

Who the hell is Jim?

The advice you will probably get is to start gathering evidence. Don't tip your hand til you got proof.


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## 2xloser

I'd hire a PI, or spend a great deal of time on the sly, in city1 O(which I imagine is quite difficult to do). 

Meanwhile, I'd be creating a Plan B, because when the PI turns up the facts (or you do), you are gonna have to make a choice - try to save the marriage, or walk away from the cheater. And whith either choice, you need action steps planned out.... 

Create a Plan, you're gonna need it. if you don't need it because it turns out all innocent (<000.0001% chance imho), then you can toss it. But wishing you had it when the sh*t hits the fan can't be an option.

Sorry you're here.


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## madimoff

KanDo said:


> My wife works out of town for a good part of the year. Getting in touch is sometime problematic and we occasionally use text messaging. During a slow back and forth text session I received this text from her (she apparently was in two different conversations)
> 
> "Damn, I want to have two lives. One here (in city 1) and one in (city 2 where I live). I want Jim and KanDo (me) so I can have both."
> 
> What would you think?


I think although the others are being more 'plan' orientated, I'd probably go with RunsLD & want to have a conversation about the 4th person.... I think I'd (1) save the text to a file within my phone AND (2) send a copy to her and (3) phone simultaneously with when she would have received it to ask said question, namely wtf is Jim. 
nb I don't think you actually said, but do you know if any of her work colleagues is called Jim? I suppose if I'm honest I'd also be googling madly her works company/location and looking at her facebook if she has one, etc. Probably also google her name and the other city location. 
In fact I'd be going loop the loop checking up, that's for sure. Not sure I'd be going down the PI route, but doing my own next best thing.


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## madimoff

To actually answer your question, I would interpret it as meaning she is having a relationship of some sort with someone called Jim, in the city where she works. Plain as.

Mind you he could be a newly-discovered relative she's forgotten to mention to you............... not.


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## Hicks

If your marriage is important to you, you and your wife should live together full time.


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## reindeer

I would investigate as much as I could before confronting her. Don't ask her while she is away. Keep it until you can confront her face to face. If you ask her now she will have time to fabricate an excuse. She will prob make one anyway, but however didfficult it is , wait till she comes back.

I went to find out if my husband was staying at a woman's house last weekend, at 05.00hrs. Car was outside. i took a photograph, but really all I wanted to do was either cause a big scene by knocking up the whole house, or leave a message on his car. I refrained , wven though I had to wait until that evening to speak to him, but I had the element of surprise. He denied affair, but I could tell by his body language he was 'caught'.

Of course she may have since seen that she sent it to you. I know how you must feel. Gotta load of trouble in mymarriage discovered from txts. Wish you well.


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## KanDo

Thank you all for your thoughts and recommendations. She realized that she had sent it to me and texted me that she hoped I didn't take it the wrong way. She wrote "Jim is my good friend who I do everything with and you should understand" 

The thing is, this hurts me considerably more than if she had gone out and screwed a boy toy for the weekenf. This clearly is a longer term truly intimate connection that she equates with our relationship; or am I wrong?


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## reindeer

I agree you are right. people will deny anything when in a corner. i found a txt-' Hey, not going to ...... now, house to ourselves all day and all night. he said he did not remember what that was about!

Also- mmmh-the only way to wake up. he said she loves food and he was talking about bacon! Ridiculous. Be very wary.


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## Mirrormask

KanDo said:


> Thank you all for your thoughts and recommendations. She realized that she had sent it to me and texted me that she hoped I didn't take it the wrong way. She wrote "Jim is my good friend who I do everything with and you should understand"
> 
> The thing is, this hurts me considerably more than if she had gone out and screwed a boy toy for the weekenf. This clearly is a longer term truly intimate connection that she equates with our relationship; or am I wrong?


There is nothing for you to "understand" here. The fact is that sometimes things cant be taken back. She has said something that will stay with you for a very long time. I hate to tell you my friend but your not gonna look at her the same when she returns home. You will either have to let it go for good. Or it will eat at you till you despise her and leave her.


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## DrWife

KanDo said:


> My wife works out of town for a good part of the year. Getting in touch is sometime problematic and we occasionally use text messaging. During a slow back and forth text session I received this text from her (she apparently was in two different conversations)
> 
> "Damn, I want to have two lives. One here (in city 1) and one in (city 2 where I live). I want Jim and KanDo (me) so I can have both."
> 
> What would you think?


Whoa dude! Clearly something going on here with "Jim"! I would have texted back "who the hell is Jim?!". Have you talked to her about it since?


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## Hicks

Expecting your wife to stay loyal to you while you are seperate is a tactical mistake. It can happen, but you should not live your life assuming it will happen.


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## KanDo

Update. We are at the marriage counselor. Still admits nothing wrong. Did find two emails that don't look good either. So far we have not discussed this issue in MC yet. My plan is to require a choice. Me marriage and my city or city 1, Jim and divorce. She has her phone locked and likely erases each txt anyway. Found the email because she used my computer to access her account and left it open....I have called divorce attorney and forwarded these pieces of "evidence" on to her and started the paperwork..

I am pretty broken hearted.


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## reindeer

Things have changed a bit since your last post KanDo. i was just wondering why you are at MC, but also proceeding in a legal way, are you planning to divorce or hoping to reconcile?

I am sorry you feel so bad. I understand that. Further to my last post, I now have confronted my husband with absoloute proof and he still denies. I have broken all contact with him for 15 days now. I do feel more in control and it is helping me to move forward.

The truth is painful, but you need to know, not being sure is even worse. Take care.


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## ladybird

Mirrormask said:


> There is nothing for you to "understand" here. The fact is that sometimes things cant be taken back. She has said something that will stay with you for a very long time. I hate to tell you my friend but your not gonna look at her the same when she returns home. You will either have to let it go for good. Or it will eat at you till you despise her and leave her.


This is the truth. 

I over heard my husband and his 18 year old son talking about stuff he should have been tell his son to begin with. When i asked my h about what was said he said "I dont remember that conversation." Well i know what i heard, now i just need the proof. Easier said then done tho. IT has eaten away at me for the last year and it will until i finally find out the truth.. I am going to find out on my birthday (i know of all days to find out) but he says he has to work and can not get it off (2nd year in a row, so we will see if he is really at work that day! I am betting he won't be!


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## KanDo

reindeer said:


> Things have changed a bit since your last post KanDo. i was just wondering why you are at MC, but also proceeding in a legal way, are you planning to divorce or hoping to reconcile?
> 
> I am sorry you feel so bad. I understand that. Further to my last post, I now have confronted my husband with absoloute proof and he still denies. I have broken all contact with him for 15 days now. I do feel more in control and it is helping me to move forward.
> 
> The truth is painful, but you need to know, not being sure is even worse. Take care.


I am in MC to see if we can work it out and as it is also a requirement for divorce in my jurisdiction. If we are in my city and away from Jim's city, I am hopeful that we can make the marriage work. Short of that, she is gone. The beginning of the paperwork has helped me by making my plan concrete (Maybe I am a bit weird, but it has helped my anxiety because I have decided what to do???) Anyway. It is my expectation she will choode Jim given the emails I found.


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## reindeer

That makes more sense now then. I can understand too that having a plan makes you feel better, you are more incontrol. I too feel like that with some things I am doing (although yesterday, I felt very out of control).

I am sorry to hear that the e mails were particularly leaning towards things not working out. If it does seem like you have a chance, do be sure you can handle the doubts you might have. I have been in that place and I could never really drop the doubts. This played a destructive part in our marriage, which I know led to its downfall. Thinking of you.


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## shaung

KanDo said:


> I am in MC to see if we can work it out and as it is also a requirement for divorce in my jurisdiction. If we are in my city and away from Jim's city, I am hopeful that we can make the marriage work. Short of that, she is gone. The beginning of the paperwork has helped me by making my plan concrete (Maybe I am a bit weird, but it has helped my anxiety because I have decided what to do???) Anyway. It is my expectation she will choode Jim given the emails I found.


Did she ever admit who 'Jim' was?


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## KanDo

Yes Jim she says is a good friend who she does everything with and I should understand


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## KanDo

Well,
I had planned on a "Choose me or him" discussion on Thursday; but the MC says I should not have an ultimatum in there and that I don't know enough yet to make a decision about this ??!? Is that right?


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## KanDo

KanDo said:


> Well,
> I had planned on a "Choose me or him" discussion on Thursday; but the MC says I should not have an ultimatum in there and that I don't know enough yet to make a decision about this ??!? Is that right?


NObody has a thought on this development????


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## whodoyouthinkyouare

It looks to me like she meant to send that text to a friend stating "she wants two lives, one with you and other with him" - kind of like a vent text.


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## 2xloser

A MC who doesn't think she needs to make a choice is a MC I would never see again.

Nobody can tell you what is right for you; only you know what you feel and think about your situation. fwiw, I feel that choice up-front is a critical first step toward any possibility of R. Without it, you're fighting a losing fight, and fighting it alone when it takes two to succeed. It's hard enough to do with both of you fighting for it.


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## KanDo

Well, The MC told her she could not be working on the marriage and continue this 2nd relationship. W interprets this a controlling her. Sort of admitted the relationship was over the line. Says she doesn't want a divorce but not certain she can re-engage in the marriage. I'm continuing in the therapeutic posture for now.


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## KanDo

Well, the hits just keep on coming. I remained concerned that I did not really know the full story. This weekend the current W left to pick up someone at the airport and left her laptop in the kitchen. Her yahoo email was open and I couldn't help but look through it. In the trash folder I found a copy of a risque picture she had taken of herself emailed to a different yahoo account. I took a chance and tried to reset the password for that different email account and the reset email came to her normal account: I was in! Turns out it is much worse than I thought. Multiple guys. 

Told her to leave when she got back. Tears remorse and apologies ensued. wants me to continue counseling with her for a bit and see if we can get through this.

Would anyone actually do this????.


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## DayDream

Would you ever be able to trust her again? I say no.


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## reindeer

As she works away, don't think it is worth your while.

This must have been an awful shock-sorry, I understand how those things just hit you.


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## KanDo

Ok,

MC has pleaded that I wait a month before making any permanent decision. W, has been very loving, but in the midst of this crisis, went on a long weekend "Girls Birthday celebration" trip to Las Vegas! If this wasn't so sad it would be comical. I have no evidence that this trip is not innocent, but just the thought of something like this when the relationship is in crisis seems crazy!

Or am I wrong?

Current plan is to take advantage of the warmth and attention for the month and boot her cute a** out. ( I know, I'm hating myself over it). Comes back Monday.


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## KanDo

Current. Pictures were last week and the affairs within 3 months (beginnings, Who knows if they have ended)


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## ThinkTooMuch

Get rid of the idiot MC and get a divorce. She's a chronic cheater and won't change. 

You may enjoy her cute ass, but you should wonder a lot about where it has been - it is time for both of you to be tested for STDs and share the results.

I know you will wonder and worry about your future, but I can assure you there are a lot of wonderful women who will be honest lovers and wives. 





KanDo said:


> Current. Pictures were last week and the affairs within 3 months (beginnings, Who knows if they have ended)


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## Syrum

If she really loved you she would understand that she needs to stop all contact with this person, give you all her passwords to everything, change her job and make massive efforts in showing you that she has changed and will never do it again.


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## golfergirl

Syrum said:


> If she really loved you she would understand that she needs to stop all contact with this person, give you all her passwords to everything, change her job and make massive efforts in showing you that she has changed and will never do it again.


She's sure a careless cheater! MC is nuts! Wife isn't sorry - she'd want to stay home and reassure you, not take off on weekend.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KanDo

Wow, I hate myself. Her laptop wasn't printing to the wireless printer so she asked me to try and fix it. For those of you that don't know, iTunes saves your current text messages when itbacksup your iPhone. Opened them up! OMG! I am an idiot! She has been seeing people for at least 2 years! Had lovers come to the house while I was working. It's probably been longer but she changed out phone and the backup doesn't go any farther. Does this "evidence" help any in a no-fault divorce state? You are correct that she doesn't want to work on the marriage, it's about money. But as I said, I am definitely uninterested. And I did get checked last week. Fortunately we have used condoms for birth control. I feel so used and foolish. Also angry because some of "our friends" clearly knew some of it by the text messages.

KanDo can't
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThinkTooMuch

Hi KanDo,

In CT and other states No Fault is no fault, cheaters don't pay.

Your best bet is insist on mediation, or, if you want to shame her, let her "friends", parents and family know what she has been doing. Personally I'd wait until after the divorce then buy a page in the local newspaper and publish them.

If you want to use them as persuasion let her know you will send the logs to her boss, her lovers and their spouses, as well as their bosses unless she agrees to forfeit alimony, legal fees and other claims. Don't forget to include photos she has posted.

Since this is now all about money you need to know contested divorces are very, very expensive especially if you go to court - $50,000 in bills is not unusual for a couple's legal bills in the more prosperous parts of the northeast.

If you don't have kids, find an attorney tomorrow who does mediation, ask her fees and suggestions.

And get rid of that idiot of a marriage counselor! 

I'm sure you've made copies of the iTune logs, but just in case you haven't email them to yourself and back them up on a USB memory stick you can leave at your office.

Good luck,







KanDo said:


> Wow, I hate myself. Her laptop wasn't printing to the wireless printer so she asked me to try and fix it. For those of you that don't know, iTunes saves your current text messages when itbacksup your iPhone. Opened them up! OMG! I am an idiot! She has been seeing people for at least 2 years! Had lovers come to the house while I was working. It's probably been longer but she changed out phone and the backup doesn't go any farther. Does this "evidence" help any in a no-fault divorce state? You are correct that she doesn't want to work on the marriage, it's about money. But as I said, I am definitely uninterested. And I did get checked last week. Fortunately we have used condoms for birth control. I feel so used and foolish. Also angry because some of "our friends" clearly knew some of it by the text messages.
> 
> KanDo can't
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog

ALL states are no fault. NY was the last. CT is NOT an alienation of affection state so.....no punitive legal action is possible.


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## tpb72

Wow - what a blow.

If you don't mind me asking, how old are you guys, how long have you been married, how long did you date?


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## KanDo

tpb72 said:


> Wow - what a blow.
> 
> If you don't mind me asking, how old are you guys, how long have you been married, how long did you date?


She is late 30's I am 40's. Been together 10 years, Married for 4. Stupid forever.......


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## 2xloser

Ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch OUCH. Dude, do I ever feel for you. Just ouch, man. Damn!


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## Laurae1967

Your MC sounds lame. She is a serial cheater and unless she moved home and got intense therapy, there is nothing for you to save. Better to start fresh.

I do have a question. Why were you okay with your wife working so far away? Seems like maybe you like space in relationships. This could play into your next choice of partner, which is not bad in and of itself, but if there are commitment issues at play, you may want to figure them out before you get serious with someone again.

Edited to add: I am in no way implying you caused your wife to cheat at all. Just wondered about your needs for space versus closeness in your marriage.


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## turnera

Make sure you call up her family, her best friends, your priest and anyone else who needs to know and let them know WHY you are divorcing her. Tell them NOW, FIRST, before she spins the whole story to you being a controlling ass. And trust me, SHE WILL.

Whoever tells them first is the one they believe.

Oh, and make sure the proof you have is in writing and in the hand of the lawyer in case she tries to find it and destroy it.

You have already closed her off from your bank accounts, right?


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## KanDo

Laurae1967 said:


> Your MC sounds lame. She is a serial cheater and unless she moved home and got intense therapy, there is nothing for you to save. Better to start fresh.
> 
> I do have a question. Why were you okay with your wife working so far away? Seems like maybe you like space in relationships. This could play into your next choice of partner, which is not bad in and of itself, but if there are commitment issues at play, you may want to figure them out before you get serious with someone again.
> 
> Edited to add: I am in no way implying you caused your wife to cheat at all. Just wondered about your needs for space versus closeness in your marriage.


Well, this was not the plan. I took a new position in a new city and she was to finish out the season in our old city. That was supposed to be it and she would begin working in our new city. She said she didn't find an appropriate replacement and spent another season there supposedly wrapping things up. More accurately , she was unwrapping things.

Anyway, she is on the way out. I fired the MC and have no interest in further counseling unless forced by the court.


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## KanDo

Just an update for those that are following. Filing the divorce has been interesting. I initially filed in the state where she had been working as that, in my mind, was her residence. Now I have discovered that my current state will be more in my favor  and serving her while she is here will be easy. The new filing should occur tomorrow. The only downside to all this is by saying she lives here, my home becomes the marital home and I can't force her out (it is separate property). It has been surreal living in the same house through this. She continues to be very pleasant and even sweet. It's almost like she doesn't think I'll actually divorce her? I'm expecting an explosion when she gets served. Anyone have any advise on how to stay in the same home during the divorce?


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## turnera

Set up your own space so you can come and go and not have to interact with her.


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## KanDo

That seems easier said than done....Only 1 kitchen and office.. The hardest part is that it bothers me and it doesn't seem to bother her in the slightest!!!


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## turnera

That's because she never had any consequences. She seems a bit psychotic, so I doubt there's any remorse in her. You never told her family and friends what she was doing, did you? If anything, she may be worrying about not having your salary to cushion her.


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## KanDo

I have spoken to her mother; although not the complete details as they have been exposed. When she has been served I will call her mother again. Don't want to make service harder. Should happen today or tomorrow. But your right, at times she doesn't seem grounded in reality.


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## MrK

Sorry about this. Sounds bad. I have nothing much to add. It's just that my wife does the whole pretending nothing's wrong thing. It's like she doesn't get it. We're not divorcing, but our marriage is really bad. She likes to pretend that it isn't. Really bizzare, isn't it?


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## KanDo

Well, the twists and turns just keep coming. She was served with the divorce papers yesterday. Now it's all tears, I'm sorry, I made a mistake, I'm willing to go NC with the guy but you have to give me a baby. WTF! She is really laying a guilt trip on me for breaking up the marriage?!? I feel like I'm in the twilight zone but I am also feeling guilty and torn. ARGHHHHHH!!!!!


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## Unsure in Seattle

No problem there. Just look at her and ask if she seriously thinks bringing a child into this mess is a good idea.

Ridiculous.


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## always_hopefull

Whatever you do, do not have a child with this woman. There is never any negotiating with a WS. Keep to your plan and stay strong.


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## ThinkTooMuch

Unsure in Seattle said:


> No problem there. Just look at her and ask if she seriously thinks bringing a child into this mess is a good idea.
> 
> Ridiculous.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:



always_hopefull said:


> Whatever you do, do not have a child with this woman. There is never any negotiating with a WS. Keep to your plan and stay strong.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

She sounds like a lot of spouses who realize how hurtful they have been only when faced with their SO's decision to divorce. Be glad you don't have a child!

Please insist on mediation rather than litigation. My someday ex w is delaying the divorce she started in March using an awful, estrogen poisoned lawyer who doesn't know law, doesn't know procedures, and seems to think I am her ex husband, a man who hurt her badly.


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## KanDo

ThinkTooMuch said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree:
> 
> 
> 
> :iagree::iagree::iagree:
> 
> She sounds like a lot of spouses who realize how hurtful they have been only when faced with their SO's decision to divorce. Be glad you don't have a child!
> 
> Please insist on mediation rather than litigation. My someday ex w is delaying the divorce she started in March using an awful, estrogen poisoned lawyer who doesn't know law, doesn't know procedures, and seems to think I am her ex husband, a man who hurt her badly.


Thanks for the advice. We had a prenup that requires arbitration rather than litigation if we are in dispute.


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## Shaggy

Good god, do not have a kid with a cheater and selfish person like her. There's a good chance it wouldn't be yours.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KanDo

I was re-reading this thread as I am getting the guilt trip to the nth degree and was hoping to steel myself. I realize I left out a discovery that helps complete the picture. 
That Vegas girls trip while our marriage was in crisis was just an excuse to meet up with "jim" and fvck! She left a text message on her phone that was from the girlfriend she was supposedly rooming with while in Vegas. The girl was saying "stop fvcking, and let's go to the spa, What room are you in?"

W was shocked when I told her I knew about Vegas. I even gave her the room number! (she had replied to the email with the room number). I implied I had a PI follow her. She then admitted it.

Anyway, just wanted the thread to be more complete. I am getting the blame game and guilt trip and I have to admit, I am feeling guilty. A bit of the Nice Guy Syndrome I guess.......


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## Shaggy

I must be missing something? Your wife is a long term cheater, and you are guilty of something? About the only thing I can't think of you bring guilty of is listening to her lies for so long.

Common, this woman could be on Jerry Springer
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

You are COMPLETELY within your rights to dump her RIGHT NOW for cheating on you, and never look back.

The fact that she tries to guilt YOU to get what SHE wants just proves that she is still a wayward and only wants you because it serves HER purposes.

Don't be that stupid.


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## lordmayhem

KanDo said:


> I was re-reading this thread as I am getting the guilt trip to the nth degree and was hoping to steel myself. I realize I left out a discovery that helps complete the picture.
> That Vegas girls trip while our marriage was in crisis was just an excuse to meet up with "jim" and fvck! She left a text message on her phone that was from the girlfriend she was supposedly rooming with while in Vegas. The girl was saying "stop fvcking, and let's go to the spa, What room are you in?"
> 
> W was shocked when I told her I knew about Vegas. I even gave her the room number! (she had replied to the email with the room number). I implied I had a PI follow her. She then admitted it.
> 
> Anyway, just wanted the thread to be more complete. I am getting the blame game and guilt trip and I have to admit, I am feeling guilty. A bit of the Nice Guy Syndrome I guess.......


Just read your thread and I'm amazed that you feel even a little bit guilty. Your WW has been banging guys for years, taking them to your home and banging them in your bed, the marital bed. So when she's outed, what does she do? She goes to Vegas to bang her latest lover, Jim all weekend. And she's laying a guilt trip on you? Seriously?

She doesn't want a divorce, because that would ruin her playgirl lifestyle. Like you said, its about money. She wants the security of marriage so she can have the freedom to play around and bang any dude she fancies. To her, you're just the steady,reliable man, who takes care of her, pays the bills. That's why she wants a baby with you, not because she loves you, but to keep you attached to her belt while she goes off and does her own thing. 

Be thankful you don't have kids with this woman and be thankful that she didn't give you an incurable STD. You dodged a bullet on that one. Who knows how many men she's spread her legs for. The amount of disrespect she has shown you and the marriage is staggering. Yet she has the nerve to blame you and make you feel guilty? She's a serial cheater, plain and simple. It will never end, not as long as you're with her. I would have told her to GTFO, but that's just me.


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## lht285

Kick her arse to the curb. Don't feel guilt. She brought this on herself. She is a thrill seeking ho. She sounds like the type that will never be faithful to anyone. She is a serial cheater looking for thrills. It sounds like all her girlfriends are the same too. I would tell all their husbands what was going on and see how many other women get kicked to the curb.


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## LuvMyH

Please listen to what the others have advised and do not have a baby with this woman. Think about the life that child would have. He/she would have a selfish, immoral mother who would probably have no qualms about exposing them to strange men so that she could continue to get her thrills. Imagine how that would make you feel. 

I'm so sorry you're going through this. There is no chance for your marriage while she is carrying on like that. As far as living together through the dvorce, I think all sexual contact between you should stop. You are nothing more than roommates. Man up and don't make it pleasant for her. Maybe she will leave.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WayTooAverage

I would show her the text CALMY and ask her about it.


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## Soccerfan73

Whatever decision you make, do NOT have any kids with her. Yikes. This whole thing is bad enough, but being legally tied to her for the next 18 years would be the next step of the nightmare getting worse.


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## ThinkTooMuch

Soccerfan73 said:


> Whatever decision you make, do NOT have any kids with her. Yikes. This whole thing is bad enough, but being legally tied to her for the next 18 years would be the next step of the nightmare getting worse.


I have to agree and disagree. My main disagreement is emotional ties with your child(ren) are lifelong. The pain of separation goes on forever and many parents end up moving during the kids school years, meaning even more disruption.

I know a woman who divorced a decade ago, her husband bankrupted both of them and she will have to work until she can no longer get out of bed, every mention of her ex, everytime she sees him at a grandchild's birthday, or a child's graduation, etc, makes her angry.

I know guys in SF who see their children several times a year, in their 30s the costs of child support, air fare, alimony, mean they share a large apartment with several others. It is awful!

Run for the hills. There is life after marriage and a lot of wonderful women who will be good wives and want to have children.


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## KanDo

I don't see the value of being unpleasant to her. I am stuck with her in the home and I have committed to ending this. Won't be until Dec at the earliest that she will leave. If I can keep it sort of cordial, I will. She doesn't seem the least bit bothered by being together in the home.


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## turnera

That's because she's getting what she wants.


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## KanDo

New wrinkle. In my state, the community estate ends when the other party is served with divorce papers. There was very little cash in the community accounts. Most of it is in my separate property or in retirement accounts. As noted above, we have a prenup which actually precludes spousal support. My wayward wife has gone through a phase of being incredibly nice to me to guilting me over giving up on the marriage to now guilting me over the fact that she has no money to live on. She still lives in my home where I pay all the bills, etc.

I am leaning toward giving her a stipend in exchange for her being pleasant. I can't get rid of her from the home until Dec as it is the marital home. The alternative is to say F*** you! and put up with her unpleasantness. Might also soften her in the settlement negotiations. 

Anybody have an opinion on this?


----------



## turnera

That's extortion (on YOU) and setting a precedent. BAD move.


----------



## ThinkTooMuch

KanDo said:


> New wrinkle. In my state, the community estate ends when the other party is served with divorce papers. There was very little cash in the community accounts. Most of it is in my separate property or in retirement accounts. As noted above, we have a prenup which actually precludes spousal support. My wayward wife has gone through a phase of being incredibly nice to me to guilting me over giving up on the marriage to now guilting me over the fact that she has no money to live on. She still lives in my home where I pay all the bills, etc.
> 
> I am leaning toward giving her a stipend in exchange for her being pleasant. I can't get rid of her from the home until Dec as it is the marital home. The alternative is to say F*** you! and put up with her unpleasantness. Might also soften her in the settlement negotiations.
> 
> Anybody have an opinion on this?


It is extortion but I think it is worth paying in return for a pleasant two or three months. December is not that far away.


----------



## Shaggy

Don't give her one cent she isn't legally entitled too, it just rewards what she has done.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Conrad

Not a dime.


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## turnera

Just use the next 3 months as a sort of experiment. Try treating her one way for 2 weeks; see what happens. Then try treating her a different way for the next 2 weeks; see what happens. Then come back and report to us what works best to get your desired result.


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## WhereAmI

You're considering paying her so she'll behave? She cheated! She's lucky you don't crap on her pillow before she goes to bed each night. Just learn to ignore her little fits. Hell, learn to laugh at them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

You know, the fact that you would even CONSIDER giving in to her whining says a lot about you and your moral code and your self worth. And it ain't that pretty.

Maybe you should spend the next three months neck-deep in therapy to get to a better place where you are CAPABLE of crapping on her pillow for what she's done.


----------



## KanDo

turnera said:


> You know, the fact that you would even CONSIDER giving in to her whining says a lot about you and your moral code and your self worth. And it ain't that pretty.
> 
> Maybe you should spend the next three months neck-deep in therapy to get to a better place where you are CAPABLE of crapping on her pillow for what she's done.


Interesting perspective. She actually is entitled to our joint assets when we finally get things settled. that include some retirement money and household items. She just can't access their worth until the divorce is final. If it wasn't for the prenup, she would be entitled to temporary support while the settlement is reached. The money would come from her portion of the joint assets, so it's not like I am giving her something she isn't eventually entitled to. I think your response is pretty harsh. 

My goal in the divorce is not to punish her or extract retribution. I'm still in the sad phase. What I do want is to be rid of her and hopefully not have a huge amount of animosity i as we deal with family things in the future. But it seems I am squarely in the minority here........


----------



## turnera

She has her own job, yes? A good enough one that it pays for her to travel extensively, yes? She has been having multiple affairs or ONSs, yes? 

She has pretty much torn up your life, with no remorse, has suffered NO consequences other than getting divorced, and she now continues to manipulate you...because she knows she can. So much so that you are now considering giving hush money to the woman who's destroyed your life, just so she won't make your life miserable for 3 months. 

Who's in control again?


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## FloridaITguy

I'm not a lawyer, but it would seem to me that any stipend you give her during this phase could be used against you if/when she lawyered up.

I wouldn't agree to anything with her verbally and especially in writing. Make sure the lights are on, gas is in the car, and food is in the fridge until she's gone. Other than that I wouldn't give her anything that could be construed as an allowance. If she wants spending money--get a job.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral

Have you considered what she would be doing with your money?


----------



## Chaparral

FloridaITguy said:


> I'm not a lawyer, but it would seem to me that any stipend you give her during this phase could be used against you if/when she lawyered up.
> 
> I wouldn't agree to anything with her verbally and especially in writing. Make sure the lights are on, gas is in the car, and food is in the fridge until she's gone. Other than that I wouldn't give her anything that could be construed as an allowance. If she wants spending money--get a job.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Not sure about gas in car. Unless its job hunting at Mcdonalds.


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## turnera

I thought she had a job. Didn't this all start because she got caught texting her bf in the other town where she works?


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## KanDo

She is actually a professional but works part of the year in a non-profit volunteer organization for peanuts. She has always lived off my money. 

It seems I am truly a minority of 1 on this issue. I will go with your wise counsel and tell her she has made her bed, now she must sleep in it.


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## jnj express

I am not sure I understand---If the home is your seperate property, and your wife has been served, and you are basically seperated, as far as your states family codes go---why does your wife get to stay, if your seperated, there is no marital abode----you know you can access your states family codes on the computer, I would go thru every single code, and see what actually applies to your situation---there are plenty of D., atty's., who are not familiar with each and every family code---I think you will find the codes very interesting!!!!!

Obviously you must have realized your wife wanted you to give her a kid, so she could tie you up for 18 more years---she is some kind of a piece of work


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## turnera

Well I sure hope she's using these three months to get a REAL job that pays her all year long. 

fwiw, she is living for free in your house for 3 months, eating your food, using your electricity and Internet. Other than that, what the hell else does she need? If she needs more, tell her McDonalds is hiring.


----------



## aug

KanDo said:


> New wrinkle. In my state, the community estate ends when the other party is served with divorce papers. There was very little cash in the community accounts. Most of it is in my separate property or in retirement accounts. As noted above, we have a prenup which actually precludes spousal support. My wayward wife has gone through a phase of being incredibly nice to me to guilting me over giving up on the marriage to now guilting me over the fact that she has no money to live on. She still lives in my home where I pay all the bills, etc.
> 
> I am leaning toward giving her a stipend in exchange for her being pleasant. I can't get rid of her from the home until Dec as it is the marital home. The alternative is to say F*** you! and put up with her unpleasantness. Might also soften her in the settlement negotiations.
> 
> Anybody have an opinion on this?


It's not extortion. It's her bargaining.

I dont see why you should give her any money than is absolutely required by your prenup or legally. 

Why would you give her any money when she's been screwing guys behind your back? Why give her more money so that she can continue with that habit?

Use the alternative. But say it nicely.


----------



## aug

KanDo said:


> *My goal in the divorce is not to punish her or extract retribution.* I'm still in the sad phase. What I do want is to be rid of her and hopefully not have a huge amount of animosity i as we deal with family things in the future. But it seems I am squarely in the minority here........



Your goal should be not to reward poor behavior, betrayal and unfaithfulness.


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## Wheels65

Husbands and wives do not have friends that are secret unless there is more to the story than meets the eye...been there.

A locked phone and questionable emails are the writing on the wall...stick with the attorney and prepare your exit strategy...just my 2 cents


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## Wheels65

Oh I'm so tired I missed a lot of the extra pages...sorry...more coffee will surely be consumed.


----------



## deejov

If you want to give her some money, and then she can move out and you can both move on with your lives, I don't see anything wrong with that. It's a mature decision.

I actually have a divorced friend that did this. She is an accountant, her husband was having affairs, she "paid him" to settle quickly and just move on. It's just money. She didn't want to fight about it, or have it drag on. She made him an offer, and he took it and things were over quickly. She is glad she did it. It got him out of the house and she was able to deal with recovering and it was closure. She says it was the best thing she ever did. She wasn't interested in "punishing him". That's karma's job. Just move on.


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## turnera

She wants money AND to stay 3 more months.


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## jnj express

Everytime, you go soft---thing about all the lying, deception, planning, manipulating, and conniving, she did so she could go to Vegas, and spread her legs even more for her lover

Think about how, these many years, and months, she has basically had 2 husbands, and you getting sloppy seconds, especially in her mind, where everything was geared for him--

--you, your just the POS, husband, who cares about you,---those thoughts alone, should make it very easy for you to just let her slide by---who cares whether she is nice or not---don't spend anytime near her, don't be where you have to see her, or talk to her----and i certainly hope you have moved her out of your bedroom.


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## Nickitta

I will definitely try go get more information/evidence before confronting her. If she is innocent and you start accusing her, it could badly backfire on your relationship.


----------



## KanDo

Ok given the tenor of your previous responses to my tale of woes, I'm sure this one will set yu all off so I'll give you the latest developements. As you remember, wife has been served but has the right to stay in my home until end of December. She has essentially no money as my prenup precludes spousal support. Her lame attorney sent a letter requesting $7500/month be sent to our joint account for her use without prejudice (meaning it wouldn't come out of her share!!) my attorney said he can ask for all her wants, we certainly are not going to do that. Now the wife says she has broken all contact with the (current) lover, will stop her work in the other city, and wants to stay married. Says she loves me....


----------



## Chaparral

And you told her................. Some here will burn you if you talk reconcilliation but its your life and your call.


----------



## Chaparral

So what has been going on the last month?


----------



## AbsolutelyFree

KanDo said:


> Now the wife says she has broken all contact with the (current) lover, will stop her work in the other city, and wants to stay married. Says she loves me....


Nope, no way, don't do it, don't even think about it.


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## KanDo

In response, the last month has been OK. she had visited the OM and I have been doing my own thing working on me. We both went to see her daughter who has been having her own troubles. I don't know if I've mentioned this, but the WW has had some other problems. Her driver's license has been suspended ( she says its an error, but I think she accumulated too many points). Anyway, she can't drive and has been limited because she doesn't have any money.

I have not responded to her latest move. I don't believe it and I'm not certain it would make a difference even if I did.


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## Laba

I am in disbelieve how low she can go...Basically for security of money she will fake love to you. Good job for having prenup. I am interested to see how this all plays out.. I hope you stay strong and dont let her emotionally blackmail you in thinking it was somehow your fault..
My mother did this to my father, he landed in hospital with heart problems because of this and she did come to visit him - just to ask for more money.... fast forward 26 years after divorce - my mother is most humble person these days, life beated her from all directions. My father is well off, has a very nice lady by his side. That makes me think karma exists - just think already post divorce - you will meet someone who will be worth you and who will respect you the way you deserve...Keep strong!!!!


----------



## KanDo

Yes. I am amazed at how this has all turned out and feeling pretty stupid.


----------



## KanDo

@Brandon,

It might help to actually read the thread before posting 

I don't need anymore proof and have already filed and served her! (I would have to be in bed with her and her lover to get any more "proof"!)


----------



## turnera

No reason to feel stupid for trusting people to be who they say they are. That just makes you a good person.

But...now you know, and you are acting accordingly.


----------



## Chaparral

KanDo said:


> Ok given the tenor of your previous responses to my tale of woes, I'm sure this one will set yu all off so I'll give you the latest developements. As you remember, wife has been served but has the right to stay in my home until end of December. She has essentially no money as my prenup precludes spousal support. Her lame attorney sent a letter requesting $7500/month be sent to our joint account for her use without prejudice (meaning it wouldn't come out of her share!!) my attorney said he can ask for all her wants, we certainly are not going to do that. Now the wife says she has broken all contact with the (current) lover, will stop her work in the other city, and wants to stay married. Says she loves me....


What has she offered to do to reconcile? Are you still keeping tabs on her?


----------



## CH

KanDo said:


> Says she loves my money....


Fixed it. She has shown nothing to show that she ever loved you. Just hang in there for another month and it's all over. The next month is probably gonna be hell for you, she's gonna lay on the super sweet, best wife in the world routine and then it's gonna get ugly with her turning into the wicked witch of the west.

Do not let her goad you into any arguments or confrontations, just ignore her and do your own thing.


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## christinadanderson

Come flat out and ask your wife. Don't be afraid of what she might say. Just in a calm voice expect her to be honest with you.


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## Almostrecovered

her operation "backup plan B" is in full effect


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## Catherine602

Please do not reconcile with her. She is a serial cheater, the worse type of cheater because they rarely stop cheating. Secondly, she apparently fell in love only when the cash was cut off. She has seen fit to be unloving when you were paying her way. The common denominator seems to be money, period. 

I admire your restraint but I don't understand it. I hope you are doing as well as you present in your posts. You don't sound angry with her but with yourself. Her cheating is not a reflection on you though I am certain that is difficult to see now. Are you working on your picker so that you do not get involved with another parasitic woman? What are the signs that you missed? 

You were very smart to get the prenup. Did you suspect something was not quite right before marriage?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KanDo

Well, a lot of questions and comments to consider.
First, I agree that this is all geared to money and another consideration which I haven't mentioned; her desire to get another degree. (My position affords her with essentially tuition free education in our states university systems). I am not so naive as to be fooled by the outflow of "honey" recently. I am continuing the divorce and plan to have her out in December.

Interestingly, the pre-nup was initially her idea. I have had a modicum of success financially and when we started dating seriously she brought up the idea. As we approached the wedding, she wanted to scratch the pre-nup but went along when I told her it was important to my sense of attachment. 

I am really not checking on her anymore. I have gotten to the point where I really don't care and as late as 1 1/2 weeks ago I know she was with her paramour. 

I hope it doesn't get ugly; but, I'm sure she is going to be very unhappy. There are no signs of true remorse in my mind and no hint of real transparency at all.

And it is true, I am not really angry at her at this point. I am sad that the relationship has come to this end, angry at myself for not recognizing the affairs and for allowing her to continue her "work" in a distant city.


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## KanDo

Went to pay the phone bill and couldn't help but see the 11 and 47 minute calls to OM this Sunday. So much for it being over! Not even hiding it well. Unbelieveable!


----------



## aug

It's almost that time for her to move out?


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## KanDo

aug said:


> It's almost that time for her to move out?


Later part of December


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## turnera

Bring some boxes home today.


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## aug

turnera said:


> Bring some boxes home today.


Good idea. The stores will have empty boxes that she will be able to use for packing.


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## Dadof3

home depot, lowes, uhaul sells boxes!


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## KanDo

So yesterday she apparently got a call from her lawyer telling her things are moving forward. She said "I can't believe you are divorcing me!" I told her I was not going to continue in this three way relationship, I can't trust her and that the divorce was moving forward.

She said she had broken it off with the OM. Iresponded that an hour of phone conversation shows that isn't true and that's just the contact I know about. Believe it or not, she actually said that just because she is talking with him doesn't mean they are together! 

I had to chuckle...


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## Locard

Reality bites.


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## Shaggy

KanDo said:


> Believe it or not, she actually said that just because she is talking with him doesn't mean they are together!


You should have said, "maybe not, but it means we won't be much longer"


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## scione

Wow, she's so much in the fog, she can't think straight


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## teahead

I bet this girl is used to getting what she wanted all of her life...until now.

Why feel sorry for her? Why can't her other boy toys support her?

Above all, do not feel guilty and do not feel stupid for not knowing what she was doing. She has to take responsibility for her actions and sounds like she is not as she's still lying.

I feel bad for you dude, but with 7 billion people on earth, there's another woman out there that deserves you more!


----------



## morituri

KanDo said:


> She said *"I can't believe you are divorcing me!"* I told her I was not going to continue in this three way relationship, I can't trust her and that the divorce was moving forward.


Unreal.You are right, it is almost like she's a character right out of a twilight zone episode.


----------



## KanDo

Thanks you guys all for the support. It will likely get briefly tougher when she gets evicted from my home during the holidays. Stay tuned!


----------



## morituri

KanDo, have you thought about asking one of the moderators (deejo, Amplexor, etc) to move this thread over to the 'Coping With Infidelity' forum?


----------



## KanDo

I'll Ask. Certainly seems more appropriate now.


----------



## EleGirl

Sounds to me like you are doing the best you can in a very bad situation. I comend you for being such a descend man through all of this.

You need to stay the course. She is a toxic woman. You do not need her in your life.


----------



## sunvalley

I agree with EleGirl; it appears you have been civil and decent in what is a VERY bad situation. I am sorry you're going through this. And it is true: there ARE women out there who will be faithful, loyal, and loving.

I actually laughed out loud reading your posts detailing her lies, coverups (or lack thereof), whining for money, protesting that she really loves you, and her comment "I can't believe you're divorcing me!" What a jerk. Let her boytoys support her; she'll find out soon enough that it's NOT greener on the other side of the fence.

One other thing: When her boytoys dump her after the intoxication wears off, do NOT allow her back into your life. Even if she shows up in the dead of night on your doorstep, crying her eyes out and begging for a second chance. Serial cheaters do NOT stop cheating unless they own up and get some serious therapy — and it appears that's not going to happen with her. She has already demonstrated she cannot be trusted.

Best of luck to you. And remember: This is NOT your fault.


----------



## EleGirl

KanDo, does you wife seem to have two or more men on the line who think she is loyal to only him? For example does this guy, Jim (that's his name right?) know about all the other guys? Can you tell this from the texts, emails, etc?


----------



## KanDo

EleGirl said:


> KanDo, does you wife seem to have two or more men on the line who think she is loyal to only him? For example does this guy, Jim (that's his name right?) know about all the other guys? Can you tell this from the texts, emails, etc?


The current paramour knows she is married and knows specifically about me (i.e. knows my name and the city I live in) I am sure she has described me a two headed ogre with a heart of stone to justify her infidelity. I am not certain he knows that I know of him. ( he is single without any other attachment as far as I can tell)

Some things she has said over the weekend have made me concerned there is a game plan to delay the divorce or move the venue to her work state which is not nearly as helpful to me. I have the distinct impression she believes she has an ace up her sleeve which will damage me in the divorce. Email to attorney this AM to try and push thing s along.


----------



## Dadof3

If we could ask, what would be damaging to you in the divorce? Is it procedural, or a character issue?


----------



## KanDo

Dadof3 said:


> If we could ask, what would be damaging to you in the divorce? Is it procedural, or a character issue?


Procedural. Here our joint estate has ended. In her work state she would be entitled to half my earnings until the day of actual divorces (which could take a year or two!)


----------



## warlock07

But you filed it your work state right?


----------



## Initfortheduration

Which state were you married in? If its the one you live and work in and your the one to on bring the divorce, it should be fine. Oh and if she mentions money one more time tell her "That she and the OM can live on love". Or how about "two can live as cheaply as one". And I was ROFLMAO about the 7,500 deposited into an account for her access. LOL. Dump the skank, tell her its your Christmas present to yourself.


----------



## JustaJerk

I actually thought you were doing pretty good. I guess its a waiting game now. I just don't get way the husband has to give so much in order to end it. I was under the impression that women were more liberated now, and could fend for themselves without the help of us male "pigs." The justice system doesn't reflect this one bit- UNFAIR!


----------



## KanDo

Initfortheduration said:


> Which state were you married in? If its the one you live and work in and your the one to on bring the divorce, it should be fine. Oh and if she mentions money one more time tell her "That she and the OM can live on love". Or how about "two can live as cheaply as one". And I was ROFLMAO about the 7,500 deposited into an account for her access. LOL. Dump the skank, tell her its your Christmas present to yourself.


Well, actually we were married in state 1 and I initially filed there thinking when I confronted her she would leave and go there. She refused to go back to city 1 to get served and wanted to get divorced in state 2 (I believe she thought she would get alimony here). After retaining a lawyer here, he was confident the pre-nup would hold which states NO SUPPORT! and state two ends the community estate at the time the other person is served. So, it worked out even better for me. 

If she successfully moves the case to state 1, I could owe 1/2 of my earning until divorce which would be bad news!


----------



## madwoman

I feel so bad for you. What a horrible thing to endure. Talk to your lawyer, she has established residency there in your state. It has already been filed, she can't unfile it. She was served there too. If she tries, go in with the proof of service, and any other evidence that she in fact has residency where you are. 

I keep a log of dates she is in your home, anything that shows she's a liar when she tries to undo the state of filing. 

Another state has no juristiction at this point, and it wouldn't be hard to prove the other state doesn't. They will not want the burden on their system if it is already filed. 

Consider your states privacy laws, if you don't have to have her knowledge to tape yourself in a conversation with her, I'd carry a voice activated tape recorder on your person at all times, in case she actually vocalizes her intent to get you through the other state so she can have the advantage. If it is the wrong venue, she could actually be charged with a crime for frivilous use of court. A VAR would also show no violence on your end in case she tries that line.

Be proactive, but I wouldn't let it bother you too much. 

I don't know how you can do it. 

I hope she gets EVERYTHING she deserves in life. Take care of yourself.


----------



## EleGirl

KanDo said:


> The current paramour knows she is married and knows specifically about me (i.e. knows my name and the city I live in) I am sure she has described me a two headed ogre with a heart of stone to justify her infidelity. I am not certain he knows that I know of him. ( he is single without any other attachment as far as I can tell)
> 
> Some things she has said over the weekend have made me concerned there is a game plan to delay the divorce or move the venue to her work state which is not nearly as helpful to me. I have the distinct impression she believes she has an ace up her sleeve which will damage me in the divorce. Email to attorney this AM to try and push thing s along.


A friend of mine's husband was doing what it sounds like your wife is doing.. using the internet to meet and keep several men (my friend's husband was doing it with women) on the line. Like you, she got a lot of evidence off his cell phone and computer.

She emailed copies of the text's, emails, etc to all of the women.. so they could all see that her husband was 'cheating' on them as well. Boy did that put a crimp in his style.


----------



## EleGirl

JustaJerk said:


> I actually thought you were doing pretty good. I guess its a waiting game now. I just don't get way the husband has to give so much in order to end it. I was under the impression that women were more liberated now, and could fend for themselves without the help of us male "pigs." The justice system doesn't reflect this one bit- UNFAIR!


In community property states this happens no matter who the higher earner is... a man or a woman. If the wife earns more than the husband, she will pay him *temporary support*.

What they do is to add up the two incomes, sometimes they subtract expenses and then divide it 50/50.

In California they use software called DissoMaster. The software basically determines the difference between the 2 incomes and then give the lower income spouse about 30% (or less, it's a sliding scale) of the higher paid spouse's income..

Spousal support is a different situation and usually paid only in long term marriages from the higher paid spouse to the lower paid spouse.


----------



## KanDo

EleGirl said:


> In community property states this happens no matter who the higher earner is... a man or a woman. If the wife earns more than the husband, she will pay him *temporary support*.
> 
> What they do is to add up the two incomes, sometimes they subtract expenses and then divide it 50/50.
> 
> In California they use software called DissoMaster. The software basically determines the difference between the 2 incomes and then give the lower income spouse about 30% (or less, it's a sliding scale) of the higher paid spouse's income..
> 
> Spousal support is a different situation and usually paid only in long term marriages from the higher paid spouse to the lower paid spouse.


This appears to vary substantially from state to state. Fortunately my prenup specifically precludes spousal support (even temporary) and given the length of our marriage, there wouldn't be alimony (long term spousal support) even if there wasn't a pre-nup


----------



## EleGirl

KanDo said:


> This appears to vary substantially from state to state. Fortunately my prenup specifically precludes spousal support (even temporary) and given the length of our marriage, there wouldn't be alimony (long term spousal support) even if there wasn't a pre-nup


You did say that if she can move the case to her work state you were concerne that she might get temporary support. 

Do you know where she is moving to when she does move out?

If she has to rent an apartment, you might want to consider helping pay her moving to just get her out of the house sooner. Then get your key and she's gone.


----------



## KanDo

EleGirl said:


> You did say that if she can move the case to her work state you were concerne that she might get temporary support.
> 
> Do you know where she is moving to when she does move out?
> 
> If she has to rent an apartment, you might want to consider helping pay her moving to just get her out of the house sooner. Then get your key and she's gone.



No, I believe she would move to the state where she has worked. She would not get any support payment there; but, she would get 1/2 my earnings until the divorce is final which could be a year or more in that state.


----------



## EleGirl

KanDo said:


> No, I believe she would move to the state where she has worked. Should would not get any support payment there; but, she would get 1/2 my earnings until the divorce is final which could be a year or more in that state.


Half of your earnings until the divorce is final is called 'temporary support".

If she is working then she has income, right?


----------



## KanDo

EleGirl said:


> Half of your earnings until the divorce is final is called 'temporary support".
> 
> If she is working then she has income, right?


Not that it is really important, but no. She would share in the joint estate which would include the increase in our holdings (from my earnings) until the dissolution of the marriage. It would be in the form of property division at the end of the divorce, not an ongoing payment. 

She does/will receive a small stipend for her direction of her volunteer program. She could get a job in a heartbeat. She is a licensed professional but she hasn't worked a real paying job in quite some time.


----------



## Shaggy

Kando, why are you dragging it out, get this toxic carcinogen out of your life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Dadof3

Time to start deferring your compensation.......


----------



## EleGirl

KanDo said:


> Not that it is really important, but no. She would share in the joint estate which would include the increase in our holdings (from my earnings) until the dissolution of the marriage. It would be in the form of property division at the end of the divorce, not an ongoing payment.
> 
> She does/will receive a small stipend for her direction of her volunteer program. She could get a job in a heartbeat. She is a licensed professional but she hasn't worked a real paying job in quite some time.


If she has any income at all it does matter. Temporary support calcualtions would take her income into considerations.

For example my brother has court order to pay his wife $2500 a month in temp support. She lied about her income to get that. 

When she turned in her financial disclosure paperwork I found income that she did not claim. It took some digging to find it, but I did. So he's taking her back to court to recalculate support. With the income I found it will drop down to about $1000 a month.

(they kids are both grown, so there is no child support in this.)

There is very good reason to believe that my sis-in-law has hidden accounts. After finding out that she lied about her income and about her accounts, my brother's attorney is going to ask the court for an order to allow an asset search. If they find the money that I found her sneaking out of their joint account while they were together, it will be a nice little bundle. And since she has lied to the court, they will very likely give it only to him.


----------



## KanDo

Shaggy said:


> Kando, why are you dragging it out, get this toxic carcinogen out of your life.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I would love to get this done quicker! Wish there was a way. I can't through her out yet and I may need a court order to accomplish that even when her 90 days are up. Still waiting for clarification from my lawyer on that one.


----------



## JustaJerk

It seems you've made a decision and are following through on it. At least you have a plan of action... most BS's are totally lost.


----------



## WasDecimated

KanDo

You are doing the right thing…just keep going...don't look back. Remember, she is not who you thought she was and it is not your fault. 

I have been going through hell with my WW as well. After D Day #1 (2009), she wanted to work on our marriage and promised NC. After D Day #2 (2011) she wanted to work on our marriage and give me TT for months while insisting it was only a EA….she was still secretly in contact with OM. Months later…D Day #3, I got the proof I needed from the OM's wife. It was a PA and it never stopped…almost 2 years I had been financially supporting this. I have spent the last year in a false R with her doing almost nothing to help us. I thought things were getting better for a few months but she has regressed again. I feel contact has resumed…if it ever really stopped. Like your wife, she still has her laptop and cell locked down. 

I have finally thrown in the towel. I filed 2 weeks ago…I am moving on. She has no idea…I want it to be a nice, big surprise. I think she stayed because it is about the money and lifestyle I provided her with…similar to your situation. We didn't have a prenup, no fault state, married for 15 years, 3 kids, so I will get hit pretty hard. At this point I don't care anymore. I just want her out of my life. 

I am wondering how my WW will react to getting the "D" papers.

Hang in there.


----------



## KanDo

Decimated said:


> KanDo
> 
> You are doing the right thing…just keep going...don't look back. Remember, she is not who you thought she was and it is not your fault.
> 
> I have been going through hell with my WW as well. After D Day #1 (2009), she wanted to work on our marriage and promised NC. After D Day #2 (2011) she wanted to work on our marriage and give me TT for months while insisting it was only a EA….she was still secretly in contact with OM. Months later…D Day #3, I got the proof I needed from the OM's wife. It was a PA and it never stopped…almost 2 years I had been financially supporting this. I have spent the last year in a false R with her doing almost nothing to help us. I thought things were getting better for a few months but she has regressed again. I feel contact has resumed…if it ever really stopped. Like your wife, she still has her laptop and cell locked down.
> 
> I have finally thrown in the towel. I filed 2 weeks ago…I am moving on. She has no idea…I want it to be a nice, big surprise. I think she stayed because it is about the money and lifestyle I provided her with…similar to your situation. We didn't have a prenup, no fault state, married for 15 years, 3 kids, so I will get hit pretty hard. At this point I don't care anymore. I just want her out of my life.
> 
> I am wondering how my WW will react to getting the "D" papers.
> 
> Hang in there.



I am happy that you have developed a plan to move forward. If your wife is anything like mine, she will be surprised and distraught when she get's served. Mine actually blames me for ending the marriage! I am a bit more fortunate than you with the length of my marriage being shorter and having a prenup. I am trying to be genteel and fair. I ended up having a actuary value my retirement plans so that there would not be any substantive arguments on the financial assets. (worked out well as the present day value is 100k less than I had thought!) Be prepared for the guilt trip and the campaign to save a "marriage" that doesn't exist.


----------



## KanDo

I wonder if any of you have experienced this. My STBXW keeps asking me whether I really am going to divorce her. I know and have expected the campaign to save the "marriage" as noted previously in this thread; but, this recurrent question about divorce is just weird!

Also a little unhappy with the attorney's lack of action. I sent responses to him for the 27 questions regarding finances from the STBXW's attorney and it has been 2 1/2weeks with no feedback and the materials have not gone to the opposing attorney. The delays in this are really weighing on me...


----------



## Shaggy

KanDo said:


> I wonder if any of you have experienced this. My STBXW keeps asking me whether I really am going to divorce her. I know and have expected the campaign to save the "marriage" as noted previously in this thread; but, this recurrent question about divorce is just weird!
> 
> Also a little unhappy with the attorney's lack of action. I sent responses to him for the 27 questions regarding finances from the STBXW's attorney and it has been 2 1/2weeks with no feedback and the materials have not gone to the opposing attorney. The delays in this are really weighing on me...


She's fishing to see how much more she can milk it. She also maybe trying to time her next trip to see the OM.


----------



## turnera

Start bugging the attorney. They'll take care of it just to get you off their backs.


----------



## Rob774

As usual, i'm late to threads like these. I've read all 10 pages, thus i am now up to speed. I give props to the OP, for handling the situation as well as he did. It seems like everytime he turned around, he was getting socked in the gut with even worse news than before.

I would love to be a fly on the wall in 10 years, when she isn't "as pretty" as she used to be, and she's all alone, and only hookups she can manage are ONS from 55 year old men. She'll think about what life "could of been" if she would of done right by her ex husband, our OP, who would of by now remarried to a lovely woman, who cherishes guys like him.


----------



## KanDo

Shaggy said:


> She's fishing to see how much more she can milk it. She also maybe trying to time her next trip to see the OM.


Surprisingly, I think now she really is disillusioned with the idea of the OM. The last contact I came across was 11/15 ( but I haven't made any effort to check) and she had a scheduled trip to her work city with flights all arranged for the beginning of this month that she chose not to take. ( maybe Jim dumped her?) Anyway, it seems she is awakening to reality in some way.

Finally spoke to the legal assistant who said my attorney is wading through all the material I sent them on the 27 questions from the STBXW's attorney. I have to admit it was almost a ream of paper. I also refused to answer a couple questions because they were not relevant to property settlement. Even went so far as to cite the Family Code section that made the question irrelevant. 

At the rate things are progressing, I think she will be here until New Years. Pisses me off, because this is what she wanted....


----------



## turnera

You don't have to make it comfortable for her. Exclude her from activities. Don't set out a plate for her. Take the kids away - a LOT. Start boxing her stuff up (to help her, you know). Make it hit home. Start emptying the house of her stuff.


----------



## KanDo

She is leaving on the 29th. property settlement not complete; but, she will be gone.


----------



## Dadof3

Post pics of the door hitting her ass on the way out, please? 

LOL


----------



## morituri

Just think of it, if it wasn't for that accidental text you received way back in June of her wishing to lead a double life with you and the OM, you could still be blissfully unaware of her betrayals.

If there is any moral to this story, as well as others, is that affairs take a great deal of work and effort to sustain. Sooner or later most cheaters become complacent and sloppy. When this happens, it usually becomes easier to discover their affair(s).


----------



## Shaggy

You got freedom, the OM gets a committed cheater.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chaparral

morituri said:


> Just think of it, if it wasn't for that accidental text you received way back in June of her wishing to lead a double life with you and the OM, you could still be blissfully unaware of her betrayals.
> 
> If there is any moral to this story, as well as others, is that affairs take a great deal of work and effort to sustain. Sooner or later most cheaters become complacent and sloppy. When this happens, it usually becomes easier to discover their affair(s).


I heard on the radio the other day that only one in five affairs are discovered/come to light. Anyone know where this figure may have come from? Could it be realistic?


----------



## Dadof3

Probably came from the Captain Obvious show. Remember, theres statistics - lies and damned lies!

How do you really know if only 20% of affairs actually come to light? In my opinion, only when you assume the sample size is 100% of the population and 20% have been caught cheating!


----------



## lordmayhem

chapparal said:


> I heard on the radio the other day that only one in five affairs are discovered/come to light. Anyone know where this figure may have come from? Could it be realistic?


I've seen that too and I find it hard to believe. The majority of waywards undergo a dramatic personality and lifestyle change and it's pretty obvious, while a small percentage of people are sociopathic and can actually completely compartmentalize their affair life from their home life.

Still, even in my own personal experience, there's a lot of denial out there. I saw the dramatic personality change with my own eyes and didn't even figure it out until I accidentally discovered it.


----------



## morituri

It isn't necessarily always the case that a betrayed spouse is in denial about what his/her cheating spouse is doing behind his/her back. 

It is possible that in the case of KanDo, his stbxw was able to compartmentalize so well, that she was able to still be able to continue giving KanDo the attention she had always given him and therefore he was none the wiser. Her business trips allowed her the opportunity to carry on a double life, one where she was a loving wife and the other where she was a sexually ravenous woman engaging in sex with other men. 

Unless I'm mistaken, KanDo's stbxw never denied him sex and affection like Shamwow's ex-wife did with him. She was not looking to replace him with another man. In her mind, being a good wife had nothing to do with being sexually exclusive to KanDo. We've seen this type of woman before, she was my ex-wife, and, the_guy's, and more recently with Badblood's and oldmittens.

It wouldn't come as no surprise if KanDo's wife were to have an emotional meltdown in the next couple of weeks or months after the divorce. Most of these women are broken individuals who need long term therapy in order to become whole and finally break the self-destructive cycle that can only bring tragic consequences in the end.


----------



## KanDo

morituri said:


> It isn't necessarily always the case that a betrayed spouse is in denial about what his/her cheating spouse is doing behind his/her back.
> 
> It is possible that in the case of KanDo, his stbxw was able to compartmentalize so well, that she was able to still be able to continue giving KanDo the attention she had always given him and therefore he was none the wiser. Her business trips allowed her the opportunity to carry on a double life, one where she was a loving wife and the other where she was a sexually ravenous woman engaging in sex with other men.
> 
> Unless I'm mistaken, KanDo's stbxw never denied him sex and affection like Shamwow's ex-wife did with him. She was not looking to replace him with another man. In her mind, being a good wife had nothing to do with being sexually exclusive to KanDo. *This is an accurate portrayal *
> 
> We've seen this type of woman before, she was my ex-wife, and, the_guy's, and more recently with Badblood's and oldmittens.
> 
> It wouldn't come as no surprise if KanDo's wife were to have an emotional meltdown in the next couple of weeks or months after the divorce. *And I have been advises I may see her on my doorstep in the weeks to months after all is said and done*Most of these women are broken individuals who need long term therapy in order to become whole and finally break the self-destructive cycle that can only bring tragic consequences in the end.



*by the way, got the "you don't have to do this" and the "The infidelity is my fault but the divorce is all you" speech last night. Think her lawyer may have given her my latest property settlement proposal (turns out my defined benefit retirement plan's current value is less than I thought [Thank you actuary!])*

Also, I think the 1 in 5 figure for discovered affairs comes from surveys of the number of people who admit to an affair vs those who say they know their spouse has been in an affair.


----------



## aug

KanDo said:


> by the way, got the "you don't have to do this" and the "The infidelity is my fault but the divorce is all you" speech last night. Think her lawyer may have given her my latest property settlement proposal (turns out my defined benefit retirement plan's current value is less than I thought [Thank you actuary!])


Her speech makes no sense, as you probably figured out. Who really wants to be the second man in a wife's life? Or live with a morally stunted woman?

She'll be okay after your divorce. She has shown beforehand that she can lead another life, so she wont feel the loss of this marriage as much -- she has the fallback of her other man (men?).


----------



## Dadof3

KanDo said:


> *by the way, got the "you don't have to do this" and the "The infidelity is my fault but the divorce is all you" speech last night. Think her lawyer may have given her my latest property settlement proposal (turns out my defined benefit retirement plan's current value is less than I thought [Thank you actuary!])*
> 
> Also, I think the 1 in 5 figure for discovered affairs comes from surveys of the number of people who admit to an affair vs those who say they know their spouse has been in an affair.


Nice! The 2x4 of reality hasn't quite hit her yet. :lol::lol:

Regarding the 1 in 5 figure - statistics make more sense when they are presented in their proper context!


----------



## Gabriel

Okay, I have to laugh at the actuary comment. Maybe that person was me.


----------



## Shaggy

KanDo said:


> *by the way, got the "you don't have to do this" and the "The infidelity is my fault but the divorce is all you" speech last night. Think her lawyer may have given her my latest property settlement proposal (turns out my defined benefit retirement plan's current value is less than I thought [Thank you actuary!])*


Ok, then you get full credit for having a sense of morals and dignity while she accepts full credit for being a cheating lying *****!

You win that round!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## KanDo

More manipulation last week. She took some pills from the medicine cabinet and put them at her bedside table making sure I saw her do it. I simply scooped them up and flushed them and went to my bed. Supposedly leaving Friday.... Stay tuned.


----------



## morituri

Maybe it is maybe it isn't. If you read some of the stories regarding women cheaters who compartmentalized their infidelity, you'll notice that their psyche is broken (FOO - family of origin - issues) and very likely to suffer a mental breakdown once their husbands make the choice to divorce them. Keep a close eye on her from here til Friday.


----------



## warlock07

Should have added some more pills to the mix just to make sure


----------



## Initfortheduration

Keep up the good work. Stay strong. When she says crap like that, you should just say "what ever helps you sleep at night". It kind of strips away all the BS during the day and leaves you with yourself. It sounds like she has woken up. Now she can experience the consequences of the life of a cheater. And any man that would take up with her knowing what she threw away would be a nut or more probably a skanky cheater like her.


----------



## turnera

Throwing away her pills gave her what she wanted - your allegiance and attention. Next time, confront it and take away its power: "It looks like you left those out deliberately to make me feel sorry for you. FYI, I'm past that because of what you did. You'll have to figure out your own path now."


----------



## KanDo

turnera said:


> Throwing away her pills gave her what she wanted - your allegiance and attention. Next time, confront it and take away its power: "It looks like you left those out deliberately to make me feel sorry for you. FYI, I'm past that because of what you did. You'll have to figure out your own path now."


Wish I would of thought of this at the time.....By the way, it appears the OM has dumped her....


----------



## lordmayhem

KanDo said:


> Wish I would of thought of this at the time.....By the way, it appears the OM has dumped her....


Strange how she went from:



KanDo said:


> Well, The MC told her she could not be working on the marriage and continue this 2nd relationship. *W interprets this a controlling her*. Sort of admitted the relationship was over the line. Says she doesn't want a divorce *but not certain she can re-engage in the marriage*. I'm continuing in the therapeutic posture for now.


To trying to save the marriage, the manipulation, etc, AFTER you found out about Jim and all the multiple OMs that she was bringing to your house and bed to have sex with.

BTW, you said that she was going to be in the house until the 29th. It's the 30th now.


----------



## Initfortheduration

Your STBXW is a real piece of work. I hope she enjoys the consequences of her actions. Your best revenge is to enjoy life and find a girl to love you who won't cheat. Oh and make sure you keep up to date postings on facebook. She will be outside looking in for the rest of her life.


----------



## KanDo

lordmayhem said:


> BTW, you said that she was going to be in the house until the 29th. It's the 30th now.


You know, your right! I thought her ticket was the 29th but now she is leaving supposedly today (30TH). I won't be home until this evening. I hope I find an empty house......:scratchhead:


----------



## Shaggy

KanDo said:


> You know, your right! I thought her ticket was the 29th but now she is leaving supposedly today (30TH). I won't be home until this evening. I hope I find an empty house......:scratchhead:


You should come home with a hot pizza and a bottle of champagne to celebrate.

If she's not gone, ask her to please get moving because the pizza is getting cold and you don't want to loose the happy mood you were in.


----------



## morituri

KanDo said:


> By the way, it appears the OM has dumped her.


 you mean *Big Jim Slade* dumped her?


----------



## CH

If he dumped her, she might never leave now, that's a scary thought IMO.

So are you ready for the crocodile tears and the I'm sooooo sorry, can we work it out speech?

I would still go through with the kicking her out, I mean her voluntarily moving out, because being 2nd choice isn't being a winner. This isn't the special Olympics where everyone is a winner.


----------



## Shaggy

cheatinghubby said:


> If he dumped her, she might never leave now, that's a scary thought IMO.
> 
> So are you ready for the crocodile tears and the I'm sooooo sorry, can we work it out speech?
> 
> I would still go through with the kicking her out, I mean her voluntarily moving out, because being 2nd choice isn't being a winner. This isn't the special Olympics where everyone is a winner.


If he did dump her and she wants to stay with you now - maybe offer to pay for couples counseling for him and her to help them make up :lol:


----------



## KanDo

Ok, She is gone. Did not take all her stuff, so she will return at some point to claim her personal property; but, for now, she is gone.

I will keep you all posted on the divorce and further developements.


----------



## adv

It's a start. Maybe you could help her along by packing the rest of her things


----------



## morituri

KanDo said:


> Ok, She is gone. Did not take all her stuff, so for she she will return at some point to claim her personal property; but, for now, she is gone.
> 
> I will keep you all posted on the divorce and further developements.


What a great way to start the new year, eh KanDo?


----------



## KanDo

Love that New Years pic!

Well the STBXW has been calling and emailing me. Actually asked when I was going to go visit her!!!!!!

There is no end to the pathology............


----------



## Initfortheduration

I could not resist a line like "when are coming to visit me?". Id tell her " I don't do well in crowds. And I know you have a pretty full card regarding sex with other guys. Why don't we let you settle in, and I will call after you scratch that itch of yours for a few weeks".


----------



## morituri

:wtf:

She sounds like Berilo's personality disorder stbxw. Unbelievable. :scratchhead:


----------



## pidge70

That was a pretty "ballsy" question for her to ask. I just read your whole thread and I just wanted to say my heart goes out to you. Best of luck in this new year!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Berilo

morituri said:


> :wtf:
> 
> She sounds like Berilo's personality disorder stbxw. Unbelievable. :scratchhead:


Morituri, I was just thinking the same thing!

KanDo, your situation echoes my own, I am very sorry to say. Having one's wife fall in with an OM is bad enough, but the likely existence of a series of hook-ups in parallel demonstrates a real emotional problem of a greater kind. (Yes, I am finding out there were others ... ) And the unkindest cut of all is the denial, the lies, the insults, the complete lack of empathy, and the incredible chutzpah that she thinks you want or should see her again!! 

Really, my heart goes out to you. I wish I had advice for you, but I am still trying to extricate myself from my own mess. The advice you have received from others in this thread seems sound to me, though. You deserve much better than this; try to act accordingly!

All the best.

- B


----------



## Complexity

Ahh the sweet smell of freedom. Well done KanDo, you've just showed that all us nice guys out there do have some balls. 

Find yourself a new woman and really rub it in. OK that's childish lol , but find yourself a good girl this time.


----------



## NaturalHeart

KanDo said:


> Love that New Years pic!
> 
> Well the STBXW has been calling and emailing me. Actually asked when I was going to go visit her!!!!!!
> 
> There is no end to the pathology............


 
She wanted everyone else when she was married to you. Now she probably can't even function because things aren't going the way she wants them to go. She seems to be the type that is a greedy cheat. Everything is going well at home but she is greedy for constant attention, desire, fulfillment even though things are good at home. She is depressed when she can't get you back but the greedy cheat wants everyone back when she gets the husband. NEVER LEARN-enjoy your life. You are blessed


----------



## warlock07

@berilo, there were others?


----------



## TDSC60

Go grab some containers and/or boxes. Go through the house and pack ALL her personal stuff and belongings. Store them somewhere. If she shows up unannounced to pick up her personal stuff - tell her you already have it ready for her - no need for her to search through your house. Wait a month or so then tell her you have cleaned it all out and it will be waiting for her to make arrangements to have it shipped to her - but after XXXX date it is all going in the trash.


----------



## turnera

I always liked the one where you pack it all and put it in a rental room. Then you pay the first month's rent, and you mail her the address and the key, and tell her that if it's not all claimed by the end of the month, it will get sold.


----------



## KanDo

*Thank you all for the great support.* I replied to her request for me to visit increduloisly saying 

"I am moving on and you should too, You chose Jim and City 2 and I choose not to be anyone's "backup plan". I wish nothing but the best for you; but I deserve better than to be cuckold. Please pursue your happiness with Jim, Rob, Chris or whoever meets your needs..."

I am strongly considering boxing the remainder of her stuff up. I actually already have a storage unit I can put it in.

On the more pleasant side, on the advice of my cousin I actually put up a profile on a dating site and have had 4 women already ask to get together for coffee or a glass of wine. Who knew how much of a stud I am !!! :smthumbup:

Anyway, I think a little companionship with friends and the odd casual date is just what the doctor ordered.


----------



## morituri

Well done KD.

Just don't be surprised if she continues sending you surreal messages like the last one. If she does have a personality disorder, like Berilo's stbxw, then she will not acknowledge any wrong doing and continue to pursue you. Hopefully that won't be the case but just be prepared for it.

Here's something to cheer you up


----------



## EleGirl

KanDo said:


> *Thank you all for the great support.* I replied to her request for me to visit increduloisly saying
> 
> "I am moving on and you should too, You chose Jim and City 2 and I choose not to be anyone's "backup plan". I wish nothing but the best for you; but I deserve better than to be cuckold. Please pursue your happiness with Jim, Rob, Chris or whoever meets your needs..."
> 
> I am strongly considering boxing the remainder of her stuff up. I actually already have a storage unit I can put it in.
> 
> On the more pleasant side, on the advice of my cousin I actually put up a profile on a dating site and have had 4 women already ask to get together for coffee or a glass of wine. Who knew how much of a stud I am !!! :smthumbup:
> 
> Anyway, I think a little companionship with friends and the odd casual date is just what the doctor ordered.


Do you live in a no-fault divorce state? If not you might want to be very careful about dating until your divorce is final.


----------



## morituri

EleGirl said:


> Do you live in a no-fault divorce state? If not you might want to be very careful about dating until your divorce is final.


That is a good point but if she wants to pull the adultery card on him, he has more than enough information in his arsenal to blow her out of the water. Including the counseling sessions in which it was revealed that she was having an affair.


----------



## Berilo

warlock07 said:


> @berilo, there were others?


Yes, warlock, there were/are/have been. I won't threadjack here. I'll post on my own thread later today.

- B.


----------



## NaturalHeart

KanDo said:


> *Thank you all for the great support.* I replied to her request for me to visit increduloisly saying
> 
> "I am moving on and you should too, You chose Jim and City 2 and I choose not to be anyone's "backup plan". I wish nothing but the best for you; but I deserve better than to be cuckold. Please pursue your happiness with Jim, Rob, Chris or whoever meets your needs..."
> 
> I am strongly considering boxing the remainder of her stuff up. I actually already have a storage unit I can put it in.
> 
> On the more pleasant side, on the advice of my cousin I actually put up a profile on a dating site and have had 4 women already ask to get together for coffee or a glass of wine. Who knew how much of a stud I am !!! :smthumbup:
> 
> Anyway, I think a little companionship with friends and the odd casual date is just what the doctor ordered.


 
WAY TO GO DUDE!!! OMG, What a way to rub it in


----------



## KanDo

Well, she arrived in town to pick up a few things. Tried to be very nice. I was cordial. Told her any personal items left at the end of the month would be boxed up and placed in storage. She is still trying to have me and her paramour as well. :scratchhead:

Still living in a fantasy world.

Oh well.....


----------



## Dadof3

BPD it sounds?

How is it she is STILL trying to have you and her paramour? Is she that thick headed after your last text response?


----------



## lostlindsey

if she doesn't know u know then start spying on her. i wish i hadn't called husband out on his text affair so i could've monitored it and seen what it really was. but emotion got the better of me.


----------



## JustaJerk

You're already moving on, right? [email protected]#$ the rest, then.


----------



## ducksauce

warlock07 said:


> Should have added some more pills to the mix just to make sure


:lol: I'm sorry I just had to chime in to laugh at that.. but really Kando, I'm sorry for what has happened to you. I too am in a current situation like yours and the wife is still in contact with her man. 

But congratulations on getting rid of that parasite.


----------



## KanDo

I responded to a chit-chat email she sent with:

"* I have spent the last day or so thinking about our conversation Sunday. I’ve gone back and looked at some of the horrid email and texts I found and your total disrespect for me as your husband and have to agree: you are a horrible person.
I refuse to share a relationship. I do not want to see you again. I will not be seeing you on the 20th and will not be here on the weekend of 28th. Your personal items and clothes that remain when I return on that Monday will be boxed up and stored for the time being. I don’t want to have idle chit chat with you. As I said before, you have made your choice. I hope you are happy with it. Good luck, I do wish you well"*

To receive a reply---
_"I don't really know what to say, I thought things went well this weekend and that we could be nice to each other. 

Why would not want to talk to me and let me a part of your life? I love you and want to be involved and maybe some day find a way to make it up to you.

Boxing up my things is exactly what I asked you not to do, why would you?

I know I deserve everything you might throw my way but I won't give up baby, I know you love and want to see me and I'll keep trying."
_
:rofl:WTF!

My final comment before going dark 
*"I am sorry; but, you, by your decisions, have given up any right to be a part of my life. You will be a part of my past. There is nothing to resolve.
Be well.*


----------



## Shaggy

Well done. now go dark.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Dadof3

buy her an FML baseball cap as a parting gift. She's earned it. Or she can have the one my 19 year old son wears.

What the hell? Brings back memories of the Paul Hogan show and the "Thickhead" skit he used to do.


----------



## Dadof3

Maybe one Yoda quip to her about trying to finish it off:

"Try? There is no try. Do or do not!:


----------



## Unsure in Seattle

No, the best thing to do is exactly what you said you'd do- box up her junk and never talk to her again.


----------



## Complexity

Ha! excellent, keep us updated.


----------



## Chaparral

Did she move back to the town Jim(?) lives in?


----------



## KanDo

chapparal said:


> Did she move back to the town Jim(?) lives in?


Yes. Even had call from him while she was here picking up stuff.


----------



## Dadof3

Sounds Narcissistic.


----------



## Initfortheduration

Kudos Kando! He called because he knows your wife is a cheating skank, and can't be trusted to not go heals up under anyone. Your response was direct and harsh, exactly what you needed. Standing up for yourself, shows self respect, and its even more credit worthy when you love(d) the person you are standing up to. Now she gets to watch your life from the sidelines. The happier, and more content you are, especially if you find a partner worthy of you, the greater the consequence to her being dumped. Do you have mutual friends able to report to her how awesome your doing?


----------



## lordmayhem

This reminds me of one of the crazy things that cheaters say from another forum. The WS said to him after they got divorced: "This divorce is just a piece of paper! We can get remarried after my relationship with my boyfriend is over!"


----------



## Chaparral

Have you started dating yet?


----------



## JustaJerk

> "This divorce is just a piece of paper! We can get remarried after my relationship with my boyfriend is over!"


Nice to know there are _always_ options.


----------



## morituri

JustaJerk said:


> Nice to know there are _always_ options.


:rofl:


----------



## KanDo

I agree with the above posts: she is trying still to keep me as a backup. Texted me today:" Don't be mad at me"

*REALLY!!!*

and I have just begun the dating process. My cousin suggested on online dating site. Turns out I am Adonis ;-)

In a week I have arranged 4 first dates and a follow on dinner with a woman who appears to be just wonderful. Nothing serious; but, the ego boost has been nice


----------



## calif_hope

KanDo, time to enjoy life, a life free of drama.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## morituri

KanDo, consider replying with the following:

"I don't have the time to be mad, now that I've begun to date other women".


----------



## turnera

Please remember you are really not ready to date yet. You will end up hurting whomever you date.


----------



## warlock07

> I know I deserve everything you might throw my way but I won't give up baby, I know you love and want to see me and I'll keep trying."


Its pathetic


----------



## morituri

turnera said:


> Please remember you are really not ready to date yet. You will end up hurting whomever you date.


There is that danger but it can be avoided IF he is mindful of his boundaries.

Dates can be a way of meeting good, female friends.


----------



## always_hopefull

I'm feeling somewhat feisty this afternoon, add that to my slightly jaded outlook and part of me says you should text her "by mistake" something along the lines thanking a woman for going out on a date with you, stating what a wonderful time you had with her. 

Before anyone crucifies me for this, I know it would lower ourselves to their level, but sometimes thoughts like that make me smile.

The day after dday I took my husbands 73' Challenger out for the weekend, he had taken my truck and I had no other vehicle. After hanging out with a gf for a few days I headed home. As I was driving down the I5 there was a hitchiker with a goat, yes a goat, on the side of the road. It made me smile all the way home thinking of that goat pooping and chewing on the back seat of his baby :rofl:


----------



## Shaggy

KanDo

going back to the title of this thread - I now have an answer for you:

*It means Freedom, a much better life, with much better women in it.*


----------



## Shaggy

KanDo said:


> I agree with the above posts: she is trying still to keep me as a backup. Texted me today:" Don't be mad at me"
> 
> [


Stay dark, but if you must respond.

Try "Don't worry, I only feel indifference"

or

"I was just thinking today when out with XXXX, how seeing this wonderful woman on wonderful date would never have been possible without your help"


----------



## lordmayhem

She's as delusional as ing's STBXW. In fact, they could be twin sisters.


----------



## KanDo

Well, she got some package so I texted her to let her know something was here. (that probably was a mistake). I then received an email with a flyer from her professional society gala saying she would love for me to take her to it!

You got to admit it is at least entertaining!


----------



## morituri

You know you'd think that such a popular girl with the guys, she should have no trouble finding one (or two or three) to take her to the event. Perhaps you should reply to her that you've found a guy who would take her to the professional society gala, *Big Jim Slade*.


----------



## KanDo

morituri said:


> You know you'd think that such a popular girl with the guys, she should have no trouble finding one (or two or three) to take her to the event. Perhaps you should reply to her that you've found a guy who would take her to the professional society gala, *Big Jim Slade*.


Well, I couIdn't help myself. I did reply that she should take Jim and "You need to be spending your emotional energy on your lover. It's not fair to him or me"

She replied "I wish I could move on, but I can not get you out of my mind, I just can't stop. "

I emailed " Perhaps individual counseling will help you move on. Good luck"

In retrospect , I know I should not have even entered into this conversation-- but, I got a little sick satisfaction out of it. I need to work even harder on my separation. This should mean nothing to me. More work for me to do on me.......


----------



## happyman64

Kando

When you respond back to her text that she can't get you out of her mind.

Why don't you copy all of her boyfriends from the past.

I would love to see their responses!!!

Good Luck with your life. You have earned it.

Hm64


----------



## Complexity

It's just getting silly now. You need to stop this mindless chatter and move on.


----------



## KanDo

Complexity said:


> It's just getting silly now. You need to stop this mindless chatter and move on.


Agreed


----------



## morituri

Any updates?


----------



## calif_hope

Why question for updates, they will up date with or without resurrecting a thread without a post in 3 weeks
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## morituri

calif_hope said:


> Why question for updates, they will up date with or without resurrecting a thread without a post in 3 weeks
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not necessarily. Tover26 uses his original thread to post an update and so does marksaysay and so do others.


----------



## KanDo

OK, I will give you what updates I can.
She seems to be pulling out all the stops to delay the divorce. Lawyer is not responding to my lawyers calls, etc. Went to a wedding a week ago that she was also invited to and she was cordial. Then received a text saying :

_"I want to come home. Right now. I'll drop everything if you are up for it. What do you say"_

I replied: _"No"_

Will have another expensive call with the attorney next week. Still have to pack up the rest of her things.


----------



## KanDo

Also discovered STBXW has been tracking my online activity. Ended up emailing several women I have been casually dating and saying we are still in love and working on getting back together. 

After herculean effort, I discovered she had installed "webwatcher" on the home PC back in December. Couldn't find it until I booted the computer up in linux and used a antivirus rescue disk which discovered it. Fortunately, once I knew what software she was using, I was able to pop-up the program's control panel. I was able to crack her password ( she isn't very imaginative) and uninstall it using "webwatcher" itself and delete all "webwatcher" files with the Linux tool. Changed all my passwords. 

Pretty scary


----------



## Chaparral

Amazing. I did not figure she would do that. Didn't you say she was hooking up with the OM again?


----------



## Shaggy

Go buy a new disk and reinstall the os. 

So is she watching here? If so she must know that you are much too smart to ever fall for her lies again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## morituri

Send her a trojan horse as a thank you.


----------



## lordmayhem

KanDo said:


> Also discovered STBXW has been tracking my online activity. Ended up emailing several women I have been casually dating and saying we are still in love and working on getting back together.
> 
> After herculean effort, I discovered she had installed "webwatcher" on the home PC back in December. Couldn't find it until I booted the computer up in linux and used a antivirus rescue disk which discovered it. Fortunately, once I knew what software she was using, I was able to pop-up the program's control panel. I was able to crack her password ( she isn't very imaginative) and uninstall it using "webwatcher" itself and delete all "webwatcher" files with the Linux tool. Changed all my passwords.
> 
> Pretty scary


So this whole thread may have been compromised? Before you deleted it, were you at least able to check the logs that webwatcher emailed to her so that you have an idea what she knows?


----------



## morituri

Well it looks like your stbxw is out of $100.00. All it took was a free linux distro live cd. So much for 'tamper proof' keylogger.


----------



## Initfortheduration

Gotta laugh knowing the skank is reading this. Hey, how's the rest of your life look now? Damn, throwing a guy like Kando away for a few (all right not so few) orgasms. Just imagine how beautiful those women are he's been dating. They can recognize a good thing. Yup, he won't be singled up long, he's the total package. Money, looks, commitment. To bad you played the hore and lost everything.


----------



## Shaggy

Initfortheduration said:


> Gotta laugh knowing the skank is reading this. Hey, how's the rest of your life look now? Damn, throwing a guy like Kando away for a few (all right not so few) orgasms. Just imagine how beautiful those women are he's been dating. They can recognize a good thing. Yup, he won't be singled up long, he's the total package. Money, looks, commitment. To bad you played the hore and lost everything.


I'd like to add - KanDo now has it all - he's got a bright future of good life, and he's got rid of the cheating anchor that was holding him back from enjoying it.

KanDo's WW and STBXW could have had that life too, but instead she's going to be going through the rest of her life and numerous failed relationships carrying the self earned label of cheating ex-wife who cheated her way into divorce and being alone.

Meanwhile KanDo - now being much wiser and stronger for having gone through the experience of shedding is STBXW is lined up for relationships where the women are going to very responsive to his confidence and focus. And they will know he is not a guy you play around on, because he will be the man and take action when needed.

So to KanDo's STBXW - today you are the poster child for "you could have had it, but you totally blew it"


----------



## warlock07

Just check your financials just in case


----------



## morituri

Nothing hurts the ego of an unfaithful spouse, especially a cheating wife, like the fact that her betrayed husband no longer wants to be married to her and is actively seeking the company of other women.


----------



## KanDo

Shaggy said:


> Go buy a new disk and reinstall the os.
> 
> So is she watching here? If so she must know that you are much too smart to ever fall for her lies again.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I didn't consider that Shaggy! She must know because the webwatcher tracks everything online and actually takes screen shots. It doesn't really matter. Actually may help her in her future relationships.

The thing with Jim appears to be on and off; but, she seems to have come to the conclusion the grass isn't greener. Too bad, really.

Life is actually quite good. Would be excellent if all was resolved. Work is challenging. My cousin's suggestion to get on Match.com was great. I have more women interested in meeting me than I can actually meet and 3 that I am seeing on a more or less regular basis. I'm going to cool off one of them because I just can't keep up with the social life. ( I know that some of your are rolling your eyes in disbelief; but, I have discovered that a middle-aged man in good shape who is confident and can carry a conversation is a hot commodity. Trust me. I am no Brad Pit.)

Once again, I can't thank the TAM community too much. Really has been helpful to me to have these forums.:smthumbup:


----------



## morituri

KanDo said:


> The thing with Jim appears to be on and off; but, she seems to have come to the conclusion the grass isn't greener. Too bad, really


Yeah I'll bet Jim doesn't want to be her husband knowing how faithful of a wife she truly is. Besides, the cow is giving him the milk for free so what incentive does he have to buy her?


----------



## KanDo

One more thing for anyone interested in a deep check of their PC. 

The Kaspersky Rescue Disk was the linux tool I used based on some posts I read, but there are others. PM if you want some advice. I did not try to remove the files initially with the tool. Searched on line after finding out what application it was and saw quite a few posts that it was best to remove Webwatcher from within webwatcher. She had installed it ( or maybe had the webwatcher help line do it for her) with the default key combination to pop up the control panel and used a password she routinely uses to set it up.
Anyway, the Kaspersky Rescue Disk is FANTASTIC


----------



## warlock07

You should have baited her for a little while when you knew she had the keylogger


----------



## Kallan Pavithran

she is really a wonderful wife, was not she? ha ha ha............
Dont jump into any committed relationship soon. good luck.
you got your life back again.


----------



## bandit.45

> she is really a wonderful wife, was not she? ha ha ha............
> Dont jump into any committed relationship soon. good luck.
> you got your life back again.


 Kallan, you're a trip.


----------



## KanDo

So, the Jim texts me using my STBXW phone saying 

"Mrs. KanDo is drunk and we are both idiots"

He must have seen her texts saying she still loves me and wants to get back together. I suspect that the Jim thing will be more off than on now. Ain't Karma grand!


----------



## happyman64

Karma is good. I expect it will be grand when she continues her meltdown process.

Would not surprise me if she winds up on your doorstep one day.

Enjoy life my man.....


----------



## morituri

Jim should have known better than to get emotionally and sexually involved with a married woman. He should have remembered the old saying "What they do with you they can do to you". Maybe next time Jim should just say NO to a married woman giving him sexual signals of interest.


----------



## Complexity

I don't get it, is Jim trying to get you two back together?


----------



## Kallan Pavithran

Complexity said:


> I don't get it, is Jim trying to get you two back together?




I too believe that, jim may have had enough from her. He may not interested in keeping her long.


----------



## morituri

Maybe Jim is finally thinking with his head and not his d!ck.


----------



## KanDo

I don't know Jim's motivation for sure; but, I was thinking he was lamenting to me that he feels we both have been played in this deal. I guess his text is open for other interpretations.


----------



## morituri

If an unfaithful wife lies and deceives to her betrayed husband, then why should we believe she wouldn't do the same to her lover?


----------



## bandit.45

Man this is bizzarre. The OM coming to the jilted husband for support! Who woulda thunk it?


----------



## morituri

Yes bandit it is bizarre, but then again some WS like KanDo's are almost like one of those surreal characters from a David Lynch movie.


----------



## Beowulf

morituri said:


> Yes bandit it is bizarre, but then again some WS like KanDo's are almost like one of those surreal characters from a David Lynch movie.


All I can say is....


----------



## KanDo

Update. STBXW's lawyer finally responding to the threat of going to trial or seeking an order to enforce the pre-nup Looks like the end is drawing near.


----------



## happyman64

KanDo said:


> Update. STBXW's lawyer finally responding to the threat of going to trial or seeking an order to enforce the pre-nup Looks like the end is drawing near.


That is good news for you. Keep moving forward.

Did your WW pick up the rest of her crap from the house yet?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## KanDo

happyman64 said:


> That is good news for you. Keep moving forward.
> 
> Did your WW pick up the rest of her crap from the house yet?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not yet. I have most of it boxed up and stored. Still some more to go but I haven't made it a priority. 

New issue for me is I'm getting a bit over my head in the dating department. Couple of women wanting more than I can offer right now. Oh well......


----------



## happyman64

Tough problem to have Kando!!!! Do not let your back get thrown out my man....

Good Luck and keep Posting. Stay on your attorney's back.


----------



## morituri

Proceed with extreme and absolute caution. Your wounds are still fresh and it would be wise if you give yourself some time to heal before proceeding with another relationship. Don't worry, women will not disappear from the face of the Earth in the next 6 months or so - that is unless you believe in the whole Mayan calendar crap.


----------



## Chaparral

morituri said:


> Proceed with extreme and absolute caution. Your wounds are still fresh and it would be wise if you give yourself some time to heal before proceeding with another relationship. Don't worry, women will not disappear from the face of the Earth in the next 6 months or so - that is unless you believe in the whole Mayan calendar crap.


Don't worry about the Mayans, if they were so smart they would still be around. Don't forget to wear your juju beads and tinfoil hat however..........Just in case. Oh and stock up on bourbon.


----------



## KanDo

News Update. My lawyer is invoking the arbitration clause of the pre-nup because the STBXW is simply delaying it. My understand is the court has required some action before 3/15 or we go to trail. Our action may be a motion to enforce the pre-nup. Seems darn complicated.

STBXW texting me and emailing me wanting to visit me during their spring break (next week). She continues to be orbiting Pluto. I changed the locks as soon as she was gone so she will have trouble getting in if she just shows up.

God, this just seems to be going on forever. On a brighter note, moved one of the women I am spending time with to the farm league when a Cy Young Award winner thrust her way into the game


----------



## Initfortheduration

Text her back one of my favorite Jack Nicholson lines:

*"Where do they teach you to talk like this? In some Panama City sailor wanna hump hump bar or is this getaway day, and your last shot at his whiskey. Sell crazy someplace else, we're all stocked up here." *


----------



## Chaparral

Tell her your all booked up with A Cy Young award winner.


----------



## chaos

She is one persistent woman, isn't she?


----------



## Initfortheduration

She's use to getting her way by any means necessary. What a lying, cheating, conniving, skank.


----------



## chaos

KanDo said:


> She continues to be orbiting Pluto


That would explain *NASA's Hubble Discovers Another Moon Around Pluto*

:rofl:


----------



## Chaparral

chaos said:


> That would explain *NASA's Hubble Discovers Another Moon Around Pluto*
> 
> :rofl:


What? Pluto's not a planet, how can it have a moon?

I don't think she's in orbit, its a downward spiral with no end in sight.


----------



## bandit.45

> What? Pluto's not a planet, how can it have a moon?
> 
> I don't think she's in orbit, its a downward spiral with no end in sight.


My wife and her ought to get together. Two peas in a pod they would be.


----------



## morituri

Simply ignore her and don't reply to any of her requests that have nothing to do with the divorce. This woman has shown that she is not mentally healthy and possibly suffering from some form of psychosis. I hope that for her sake, she becomes lucid enough to seek professional help to conquer her demons.


----------



## chaos

chapparal said:


> What? Pluto's not a planet, how can it have a moon?


That is not entirely true. Pluto is cataloged as a 'dwarf planet' and is about half the width of the United States and slightly smaller than Earth's moon.



> I don't think she's in orbit, its a downward spiral with no end in sight.


More like a rogue asteroid that sooner or later will crash against another object.


----------



## bandit.45

> More like a rogue asteroid that sooner or later will crash against another object.


Thats what I want to be! A rogue asteroid! Maybe I'll crash into Salma Heyek.....


----------



## morituri

bandit.45 said:


> Thats what I want to be! A rogue asteroid! Maybe I'll crash into Salma Heyek.....


I think she's married now. She's in her forties but still looks hot - then again I'm biased for mature women who take care of their bodies.:smthumbup:


----------



## KanDo

Well, the stalling may be just about over. She is picking up the rest of her stuff this weekend and her lawyer has sent an email outlining an OK property settlement. I know I shouldn't count the chickens until they are hatched, but........YEAH!!!!


----------



## ThinkTooMuch

KanDo said:


> Well, the stalling may be just about over. She is picking up the rest of her stuff this weekend and her lawyer has sent an email outlining an OK property settlement. I know I shouldn't count the chickens until they are hatched, but........YEAH!!!!


Congratulations :smthumbup:

You offer hope - my stbxw is on her 3rd attorney - the first two told her she couldn't keep the house, the 2nd probably told her to take my settlement offer or go away. We have a pre-nup and the lying skank is trying to get it over turned, I don't think the court will listen to her $500/hour attorney even if he shows up in a silk suit and handmade brogues later this month.


----------



## morituri

Better make sure you don't leave your computer alone with her.


----------



## KanDo

morituri said:


> Better make sure you don't leave your computer alone with her.


Got that one taken care of!!!! Locked down like fort Knox!


----------



## Initfortheduration

KanDo said:


> Got that one taken care of!!!! Locked down like fort Knox!


"Oh honey, can I use your computer while I am going to the bathroom? You know, check my e-mail."

"No problem"

LOL


----------



## happyman64

Kando,

That is good news. My trash gets taken out on the weekends too.....

Just joking but the end is in site.

Good Luck this weekend, do not get sad and watch all your stuff.

It would not surprise me if she makes another appeal or throws herself at you so just be aware of the situation.

Keep moving forward Kando!!!

Hm64


----------



## KanDo

happyman64 said:


> Kando,
> 
> That is good news. My trash gets taken out on the weekends too.....
> 
> Just joking but the end is in site.
> 
> Good Luck this weekend, do not get sad and watch all your stuff.
> 
> It would not surprise me if she makes another appeal or throws herself at you so just be aware of the situation.
> 
> Keep moving forward Kando!!!
> 
> Hm64


Actually, don't plan on being there. Not going to give her the chance to take a run at me.


----------



## morituri

Be careful, she may try to hide in your closet and lie in wait for your return


----------



## KanDo

She just sent an email asking me to have a drink with her tomorrow!!!! At least she is consistant!


----------



## morituri

What possible value would come of it? Your call though.


----------



## KanDo

Absolutely no value. I am not going to even see her. Have a date with an exciting, beautiful woman on Saturday and working on Sunday.


----------



## happyman64

Good for you Kando.

Tell her you have a date and you need her and her stuff out before you return home.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chaparral

I consider myself an optimist. However, it would not cross my mind to leave your wife alone in my house. You couldn't trust her with your marriage but you can trust her now? Honesty is not part of her nature, nor does she get it. Maybe I'm just an optimistic paranoid.


----------



## Initfortheduration

morituri said:


> Be careful, she may try to hide in your closet and lie in wait for your return


You don't have any pet bunnies do you? Be sure, if you're not going to be there, that you take them with you.


----------



## Complexity

I just had a quick re-read of this thread and I must say, Kan-do, your wife is some piece of work. Especially the part after she agreed to reconcile only to go to Vegas and spend the entirety of the trip screwing "Jim". She's by far one of the most self centred people I've come across. On top of that she wanted you to give her a baby. She's definitely not marriage material let alone mother material.


----------



## warlock07

You missed the part where she installed a keylogger on Kando's computer


----------



## Complexity

warlock07 said:


> You missed the part where she installed a keylogger on Kando's computer


She must've been investigating to see whether he was cheating too, I guess to get a better divorce settlement. No remorse whatsoever.


----------



## WasDecimated

KanDo,

I have been following your story for a while. You should feel proud of the way you are handling your situation, I only wish I would have been as strong and did the same thing right from the beginning. 

Hang in there and be strong brother. You will be in a much better place after this is all over. Time is your best friend.


----------



## morituri

happyman64 said:


> Good for you Kando.
> 
> Tell her you have a date and you need her and her stuff out before you return home.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


As petty as it may sound, she does deserve a taste of her own medicine.


----------



## Complexity

Decimated said:


> KanDo,
> 
> I have been following your story for a while. You should feel proud of the way you are handling your situation, I only wish I would have been as strong and did the same thing right from the beginning.
> 
> Hang in there and be strong brother. You will be in a much better place after this is all over. Time is your best friend.


Any update decimated?


----------



## KanDo

I had some concerns at letting her be alone in the home, but I realized the things there were just that, Things. I took some photos and other precious items with me and locked up some things in the safe. there is nothing else in the house that I can't live without. I know she will be taking things that are not hers. She is incredibly self centered. But the end is in sight. Should have the final agreement completed in a week and approved within thirty days (although the divorce won't be official until summer.


----------



## happyman64

I am happy for you that your life is moving forward.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## morituri

I hope she doesn't take the computer hard drive.


----------



## KanDo

Well,

She made a mess of the place.  Dropped ink or blood on the carpet and on the terrazzo floor in the kitchen. Splattered a little on the wall as well. Took some items she was not entitled to ( including several hundred dollars of cash in the Household drawer that I was stupid enough to leave there). I have half a mind to file a police report. Was able to clean up most of the mess. Painted over the splattered wall this evening. Got the draft settlement from my attorney today. It will be nice to have it all done. If she thought she could get away with it, she would have taken everything, I'm sure. 

Ohhh, and the hard drive was still there ;-). I'm sure she was pissed that the computer was locked!


----------



## morituri

Too bad. You could have taken pictures of your place and then filed a police report. It could have been used by your attorney to charge her for the costs of cleaning up and painting. But in any case, contact your attorney and inform him/her what your stbxw did just in case if there is something he/she can do to make her pay for the damages.

One thing this should teach you is that you should never again leave her alone in your house. She is so bat sh*t crazy that you really don't know what else she is going to do just out of spite. If she forgot something and wants to come over - which I hope is not the case - you should have a police officer there with you so she won't try to pull anymore of her crazy stunts.


----------



## the guy

Should of, would of, could of...its done!

Detach and move on brother. Now you can look at her for what she really is and there is no denying it.

Next time you talk to her have a positive tone

Next time you see her, smile

You are way better then what she could only dream of!


----------



## warlock07

How did you pick this gem , Kando? Classy to the last..


----------



## turnera

Make sure that you classify the missing money as part of the settlement that she has already taken from community property; it will be part of what she's entitled to, so her cut of the rest will be reduced by that amount.


----------



## 67flh

even with pics there isn't a darn thing you can do about it.police report or not. just be happy she's outta your life,make sure locks are changed and move on. evil be gone


----------



## Complexity

I was going to say the blood thing was a last ditch attempt to garner sympathy until I read about the missing money.

As Warlock said, classy to the last indeed.........


----------



## Chaparral

KanDo said:


> Well,
> 
> She made a mess of the place.  Dropped ink or blood on the carpet and on the terrazzo floor in the kitchen. Splattered a little on the wall as well. Took some items she was not entitled to ( including several hundred dollars of cash in the Household drawer that I was stupid enough to leave there). I have half a mind to file a police report. Was able to clean up most of the mess. Painted over the splattered wall this evening. Got the draft settlement from my attorney today. It will be nice to have it all done. If she thought she could get away with it, she would have taken everything, I'm sure.
> 
> Ohhh, and the hard drive was still there ;-). I'm sure she was pissed that the computer was locked!


Duh!


----------



## koolasma

The thing is, this hurts me considerably more than if she had gone out and screwed a boy toy for the weekenf. This clearly is a longer term truly intimate connection that she equates with our relationship; or am I wrong?


----------



## KanDo

koolasma said:


> The thing is, this hurts me considerably more than if she had gone out and screwed a boy toy for the weekenf. This clearly is a longer term truly intimate connection that she equates with our relationship; or am I wrong?


Not really certain the point of this quote.....


----------



## arbitrator

KanDo said:


> Ohhh, and the hard drive was still there ;-). I'm sure she was pissed that the computer was locked!



Well, that PC will provide you with countless hours of entertainment solidifying what you already know; what a scurolous cheater she is. Best of luck in moving on!


----------



## 67flh

something just popped into my head...could she be setting you up if it was blood? claiming you assualted her?


----------



## bandit.45

KanDo said:


> Not really certain the point of this quote.....


Poster stuck it on the wrong thread. It happens.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ahhnold

can I just ask what state you married your Ex-wife ????? It seems the divorce laws are more reasonable than California ( my state ) . --- thanks
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## KanDo

ahhnold said:


> can I just ask what state you married your Ex-wife ????? It seems the divorce laws are more reasonable than California ( my state ) . --- thanks
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


see your PM


----------



## keko

KanDo said:


> see your PM


If you can, can you message me as well?


----------



## KanDo

keko said:


> If you can, can you message me as well?


See you PM


----------



## Catherine602

I would call the police just to add to the picture for documentation. Get a report and leave it at that. I don't think you should give her the satisfaction of responding. 

She wants a confrontation, she is itching for it. She probably has all of the nasty things she wants to say ready. 

I think The best revenge is to not even mention it ever. That will piss her off to no end. :8}


----------



## KanDo

Well, I gave the attorney the run down on the damage and informed him that I don't want her in the place again. Afraid she may have stolen a house key so I re-keyed the house again. (glad I decided to spend the money on a re-keying kit rather than a locksmith. Would have cost me 3 times as much!) Don't have her signed agreement yet.


----------



## KanDo

The not soon enough ex to be stole a check during her return to my home. (it is an IRS refund which was supposed to be applied to estimated payments for the next year) and now her attorney sent a letter saying she is going to cash it. Just what I need, penalties and interest.


----------



## keko

??

She stole it and her lawyer admits to it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chaparral

I'm not going to say you were advised not to leave her alone in your apt.

Is your name on the check? Talk to your attorney.

Her attorney probably needs the money.


----------



## Shaggy

Contact the IRS and tell them the check has been lost and they should cancel it. They can reissue an new check. Shell get a bounce a couple of days after she deposits it.
Problem solved.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## KanDo

I deserve the I told you so's. I know. The check was made out to both of us and should not have been refunded. I have a message out to the lawyer. God this is taking too long and the drama is ridiculous.


----------



## keko

Is she desperate for it or doing it just to piss you off even more?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## KanDo

keko said:


> Is she desperate for it or doing it just to piss you off even more?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She needs the cash. Pretty sure it is that simple.


----------



## keko

I'm guessing her lover(s) dumped her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chaparral

Did you tell her lawyer she would have to forge your signature adn you would report her to the IRS?


----------



## BambooScot

Maybe she is behind on her legal bills so she needed to pay the lawyer???


----------



## donny64

KanDo said:


> Well, I gave the attorney the run down on the damage and informed him that I don't want her in the place again. Afraid she may have stolen a house key so I re-keyed the house again. (glad I decided to spend the money on a re-keying kit rather than a locksmith. Would have cost me 3 times as much!) Don't have her signed agreement yet.


Don't forget to change the code on the garage remote if you can. Check your computer for webwatcher or other keylogger again. Never let her in the house alone or alone with any of your things (computer, phone) again. Oh yeah, check your phone for spyware too.

Best of luck to you. You seem to have handled this whole thing brilliantly. This should be a sticky on the forum for when "nice guys" find their spouse cheating on how to not be a doormat.


----------



## KanDo

donny64 said:


> Don't forget to change the code on the garage remote if you can. Check your computer for webwatcher or other keylogger again. Never let her in the house alone or alone with any of your things (computer, phone) again. Oh yeah, check your phone for spyware too.
> 
> Best of luck to you. You seem to have handled this whole thing brilliantly. This should be a sticky on the forum for when "nice guys" find their spouse cheating on how to not be a doormat.


Thanks Donny. I took her code out of the garage system already.

Attorney says she can't legally cash the IRS check as it is made out to us both; but, stranger things have happened at banks. We did notify her and her attorney that I do not authorize her to cash it.

I am amazed that this process has taken so long. Can't wait for the final decree!


----------



## happyman64

KanDo,

Any update? The final decree final yet?

Your WW leaving you alone finally?

HM64


----------



## KanDo

Not much to tell. She was not able to cash the IRS check. Actually, she is vacationing and had the nerve to ask me for money for a yoga retreat! Her attorney has not responded to my attorney's letter of earlier this month about our settlement. I will call my lawyer next week if I haven't heard anything more. Nothing new going on.


----------



## jh52

KanDo said:


> Not much to tell. She was not able to cash the IRS check. Actually, she is vacationing and had the nerve to ask me for money for a yoga retreat! Her attorney has not responded to my attorney's letter of earlier this month about our settlement. I will call my lawyer next week if I haven't heard anything more. Nothing new going on.


Unbelievable !!:scratchhead:


----------



## happyman64

Kando,

You should have sent her a $10 gift certificate from a local yogurt place.

With a note that said *"Here is the money for that yogurt treat you asked for. Please enjoy it at my great expense."*

Could not have asked for a better opportunity to say F U to your STBXW.

Keep moving forward Kando.

HM64


----------



## warlock07

tell her you will and don't pay


----------



## turnera

happyman64 said:


> *"Here is the money for that yogurt treat you asked for. *


:rofl:


----------



## happyman64

turnera said:


> :rofl:


Turnera
You are the only person that got my joke.
Thanks
HM64
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## KanDo

:rofl::rofl::rofl:

Hilarious! I'm beyond feeling the need to say FU now. However, I would really like it to all be over.


----------



## somethingelse

so I take it from your first thread that she was having an affair?


----------



## somethingelse

I read your thread. I'm so sorry for what she put you through! She sounds like my husband so much. Except I should have done what you have done, and just ended it when he first did what he did to me. Instead, I just gave him more reason to cheat. I hope all goes well for you.


----------



## KanDo

Thanks. And I hope you can see that my words in your thread were honest and heart felt. I have been there, done that and I can assure you , life on the other side will be so much better.


----------



## KanDo

Well,

Looks like I actually will be going to trial. :scratchhead: She has yet to sign the "agreement" we put forward for the final settlement of our divorce. Sent me a demand for additional items from my home (some of which I am happy to give her i.e. copies of photos from our trips, etc) And others I am not (art I purchased before we were even married). My attorney says this is nuts. Should have never had to go to trial, given the pre-nup but sees no way around it. Slim chance that setting the trial date may get her to sign the deal.

Quite frankly, I have been living my life as if it was all done already and it was only the new request for personal belongings that brought everything to the forefront again. Oh well. Can't say it hasn't been interesting!


----------



## happyman64

KanDo said:


> Well,
> 
> Looks like I actually will be going to trial. :scratchhead: She has yet to sign the "agreement" we put forward for the final settlement of our divorce. Sent me a demand for additional items from my home (some of which I am happy to give her i.e. copies of photos from our trips, etc) And others I am not (art I purchased before we were even married). My attorney says this is nuts. Should have never had to go to trial, given the pre-nup but sees no way around it. Slim chance that setting the trial date may get her to sign the deal.
> 
> Quite frankly, I have been living my life as if it was all done already and it was only the new request for personal belongings that brought everything to the forefront again. Oh well. Can't say it hasn't been interesting!


Like that woman hasn't taken enough from you already Kando!

Did she ever act that crazy when you were married to her???

Other than having a boyfriend while married to you I mean.....


----------



## KanDo

happyman64 said:


> Like that woman hasn't taken enough from you already Kando!
> 
> Did she ever act that crazy when you were married to her???
> 
> Other than having a boyfriend while married to you I mean.....


Not really.....


----------



## lordmayhem

I doubt she shows for the trial. The judge will just enter his judgement in your favor. Yet another delaying tactic.


----------



## warlock07

she is just lashing out!! what a nut case. Ever had a inkling of what she was during the marriage?


----------



## KanDo

warlock07 said:


> she is just lashing out!! what a nut case. Ever had a inkling of what she was during the marriage?


Well, as posted earlier, I knew something wasn't right when I couldn't reach her easily when she was working out of town. Then the mis-directed text message sent it all tumbling down.

I really didn't have a clue before that. I was a little too trusting and I should have been a bit more controlling and not permitted us to be in different cities for any real period of time.

The thing is, this event just revealed who she really is. As I found out there were other men and some here in my own home! I firmly believe this would have happened whether she was here or there and eventually I would have found out. Actually probably better it happened earlier in our marriage than later. I guess I'll send her a thank you card


----------



## ThinkTooMuch

Kando,

I sympathize and empathize. My someday xw has been spending the last 18 months racking up legal bills, filing false financial affidavits, making promises and not fulfilling them. She is now on lawyer number 3, an ambulance chaser who advertises on the back cover of the yellow pages. This despite a prenup!

My lawyer tells me "this will end this year". Hope you will soon see an end to your marriage.


----------



## KanDo

Well the STBXW reached out to me via a text message alerting me that she had gotten an invite to a charity formal my company sponsors and that she will be attending. Clearly, really wants to see me badly.

Taking my current GF and not even responding to the text. I guess she believes if I see her dolled up I won't be able to control myself. :rofl:
Yeah. Right.......


----------



## turnera

Wait til she sees your GF.


----------



## KathyGriffinFan

Kando, read your entire thread and very proud of you! Stuck to your guns and moving on. Takes cojones.


----------



## MarriedTex

KanDo said:


> Well the STBXW reached out to me via a text message alerting me that she had gotten an invite to a charity formal my company sponsors and that she will be attending. Clearly, really wants to see me badly.
> 
> Taking my current GF and not even responding to the text. I guess she believes if I see her dolled up I won't be able to control myself. :rofl:
> Yeah. Right.......


You might give GF heads-up on potential of EX being there. Convey you have no interest in her whatsoever. But just keeping GF in the loop.


----------



## KanDo

MarriedTex said:


> You might give GF heads-up on potential of EX being there. Convey you have no interest in her whatsoever. But just keeping GF in the loop.


Good thought. I shared the text immediately with the GF and she said,'bring it on' 
,


----------



## onwatch

I find this website has helpful information that may help you weigh your decision. It sounds as if she is lonely when she is away from you and feels the need to cheat perhaps so she is not alone. A real marriage is hard work as it is but when you throw cheating into the mix it makes it even more difficult if not impossible to make it work. People can tell you to leave, work things out, or take a break but in the end you are the only one who knows how much you can take. Cheating is the worst betrayal one can ever go through and when it is multiple partners it is far worse as well as dangerous for you. Her cheating shows a lack of respect for you and your union, as well as your safety. She puts you in harms way by cheating, putting you at risk for STD. FOr starters I would demand that she gets an STD test, you go with her and also go with her to get the results. Whether you choose to work it out or not I think this is very important. She clearly has been caught red-handed and the fact that she still isn't coming clean with you is brutal. The truth may hurt badly, but the wondering and not being clear on the facts is the hardest part because your thoughts run away with you and it completely overtakes your mind. I seen a list of rules for if one chooses to try to rectify their relationship, it was a very good list, for some reason I can't find it. If you do end up choosing to try and work things out I believe that moving in with each other full time is the answer. Most long term marriages are very difficult as it makes it so easy for one to cheat. If working things out installing a key logger in stealth mode of course would need to be done as clearly she can't be trusted. Additionally she should be 100% agreeable to giving you all of her passwords for any email or social networking accounts she has. If you don't want to leave you could always explore the possibility of having an open marriage so you can have the freedom to be with whoever you want as well. Really there is only one answer for you and only you know what that is. If it was me I would leave as given the chance to come clean with you she still hasn't, even in counselling she hasn't touched on it. But that is just what I would do, although it would be extremely difficult. At least you have the evidence and can make a better decision based on it. 

Here is that websit:
BETRAYED SPOUSE 101


----------



## onwatch

Sorry,

I just read that you are finally done with her. I guess my rant was pointless haha. Best of luck in court! You will surely win this one. Glad you realized how much better you could do.  Congrats on the new gf and hope that her seeing you with your new gf will make her feel crushed and at a loss. There really is no better revenge then moving on.


----------



## KanDo

Well,

Decided I should update the thread. STILL not divorced! STBEX did not sign the agreement she and her attorney agreed to in writing. Waited forever for a court date and the judge is refusing to uphold the divorce agreement and is sending us to arbitration in the other state! Glad I haven't had to pay support through all this time.

I am enjoying the companionship of a wonderful lady; but, I amd very disillusioned with family court. ARGHHHHH! 

So aggravating


----------



## dsGrazzl3D

KanDo said:


> UPDATE. *STILL* not divorced! STBEX did not sign the agreement she and her attorney agreed to in writing.
> I am enjoying the companionship of a wonderful lady; but, I am very disillusioned with family court. ARGHHHHH!
> So aggravating


I'm frustrated for you... `Sorry the courts are dragging this out longer than needed. Hope you'll be done with arbitration & courts soon!

Good Luck


----------



## happyman64

Sorry to hear that your local judges suck just as bad as our federal and Supreme Court judges.

Your STBX just couldn't do the right thing.

Why am I not surprised.


----------



## lordmayhem

KanDo said:


> Well,
> 
> Decided I should update the thread. STILL not divorced! STBEX did not sign the agreement she and her attorney agreed to in writing. Waited forever for a court date and the judge is refusing to uphold the divorce agreement and is sending us to arbitration in the other state! Glad I haven't had to pay support through all this time.
> 
> I am enjoying the companionship of a wonderful lady; but, I amd very disillusioned with family court. ARGHHHHH!
> 
> So aggravating


Unfreaking believable! Arbitration? What's there to arbitrate? 

Just goes to show that in some cases, the judges don't give a damn about prenups. 

Sorry this is happening to you brother.


----------



## KanDo

Yes, Looks like my worst fears are coming true. In arbitration in her state they will likely give her 1/2 of everything I have made in the two years this has been going on.

Unbelievable.


----------



## happyman64

KanDo said:


> Yes, Looks like my worst fears are coming true. In arbitration in her state they will likely give her 1/2 of everything I have made in the two years this has been going on.
> 
> Unbelievable.


Do you have a good attorney from that state?

You really need a killer attorney......


----------



## turnera

WTH is your attorney doing?


----------



## KanDo

Getting run around after run around. Delay advantages the STBXW and she has a lawyer that seems adept and delay. (STBXW is now in law school, too)


----------



## lordmayhem

KanDo said:


> Getting run around after run around. Delay advantages the STBXW and she has a lawyer that seems adept and delay. (STBXW is now in law school, too)


This is one of the cases that shows the injustices of some family courts. You filed in YOUR state, but its being sent to hers? WTF? 

I set my friend up with Cordell & Cordell of dadsdivorce.com. They had an office in my state, but they have offices in other states. They are all bulldog attorneys and fight for every right you have. Perhaps you can consult with them.

I can't help feeling that your lawyer sat on his/her ass and didn't do much to help you.


----------



## happyman64

KanDo said:


> Getting run around after run around. Delay advantages the STBXW and she has a lawyer that seems adept and delay. (STBXW is now in law school, too)


Kando 

How old is your STBXW that she is in law school?

Now you know why she is dragging you back to that state. $$$$$!

HM


----------



## KanDo

She is now 40. but this is an extension of her previous training.


----------



## happyman64

Aren't attorneys supposed to take vows? Or follow a code of conduct?

How is she going to follow those morals or guidelines???


----------



## KanDo

happyman64 said:


> Aren't attorneys supposed to take vows? Or follow a code of conduct?
> 
> How is she going to follow those morals or guidelines???


She already took vows to me, so breaking vows won't be anything new


----------



## dymo

lordmayhem said:


> I can't help feeling that your lawyer sat on his/her ass and didn't do much to help you.


That was my first thought too.

Kando, did you end up getting a new lawyer?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Shaggy

If she can go after half of what you've gained during these two years, can you go after part of the value of her law degree ?


----------



## Natalie39

Any updates? I feel like I'm married to the male version of your wife. I found out about mine a year ago. Then, I discovered it had happened about four years prior to that. They were not one night stands, but girlfriends who he'd help financially support. Once I served him with papers, he claims to be a changed man. (He's done the suicide stunts as well.) He has been gone from our home for 14 months. I make him leave a few hours after he comes to visit the kids because he's not visiting them as much as he's trying to get to me. I refuse to be intimate with him. But, I must say, he is really getting in my head. I thought I was intelligent and tough, but his persistence is messing me up psychologically. I'm getting strength through reading your post. Good luck to you


----------



## KanDo

No real updates. The judge has ruled we must go to arbitration. STBXW continues to delay things to increase her payday. I can't believe how long this is taking. >:-(


----------



## ThinkTooMuch

KanDo said:


> No real updates. The judge has ruled we must go to arbitration. STBXW continues to delay things to increase her payday. I can't believe how long this is taking. >:-(


You have my sympathies - my now ex went through 3 lawyers. It took almost 2 1/2 years since she filed before the decision was rendered.

The legal process in divorce can be painfully slow.

The cost, as she refused mediation and denied the validity of the pre-nup, was absurdly high.

The judge's decision, in late June, was the pre-nup stood and I would be reimbursed for some of the non-legal fees I paid over the years. She ended up with zilch, zero, nada.

In a few days we will learn if she and her mother (the wicked *itches of the east) will appeal.


----------



## Getbusylivin

If you don't mind me asking, what is this costing you in lawyer fees ? It has gotta be tremendous ..Lawyers are the devil....they will drain you dry ..


----------



## ThinkTooMuch

Getbusylivin said:


> If you don't mind me asking, what is this costing you in lawyer fees ? It has gotta be tremendous ..Lawyers are the devil....they will drain you dry ..


Well over a year's salary before taxes - I was well paid but still a member of the 99%'ers. I am now living disability check to disability check and in debt - not counting mortgages - for the first time in my life.

The ex's atty is IMO a sleazy dollar chasing ambulance chaser with no honor. He has advertised on the back cover of the Yellow Pages, has an expensive wife, and recently had a stent inserted in a chest. I'm told my ex owes him in excess of $60K.


----------



## KanDo

To date, It has costs $45K and undoubtedly she will seek her lawyer's fees as well.


----------



## Acabado

KanDo said:


> To date, It has costs $45K and undoubtedly she will seek her lawyer's fees as well.


I've been following your saga since the very beggining. After all what happened I'm amazed at the way you manage to remain focused and looking for a better future.
Youe XW has really no shame, what a complete user, lier, serial cheater, abuser, entitled, greedy... absolutly no redeeming quality to be seen. How she managed to hide her tru self for so long is shocking. A complete sociopath.

Positive vibes your way.


----------



## KanDo

Acabado said:


> I've been following your saga since the very beggining. After all what happened I'm amazed at the way you manage to remain focused and looking for a better future.
> Youe XW has really no shame, what a complete user, lier, serial cheater, abuser, entitled, greedy... absolutly no redeeming quality to be seen. How she managed to hide her tru self for so long is shocking. A complete sociopath.
> 
> Positive vibes your way.


Can't argue any of this. I do know that she is seeing a shrink weekly (The insurance statements come to the house) Maybe it will help her.


----------



## Acabado

KanDo said:


> Can't argue any of this. I do know that she is seeing a shrink weekly (The insurance statements come to the house) Maybe it *will help* her.


Give up that hope (by the way why do you care?).
Obviously it *isn't helping* her. Now. It it was she woulnd't be still hurting you delaying the D and milking your money.

She's all about her, simply lacks the empathy chip. It happens, there's no cure. So I conclude she *will never* change. Once she's done with you she will simply switch to another target.
I understand how difficult is to realize you have a parasite but she is.


----------



## ThinkTooMuch

ThinkTooMuch said:


> You have my sympathies - my now ex went through 3 lawyers. It took almost 2 1/2 years since she filed before the decision was rendered.
> 
> The legal process in divorce can be painfully slow.
> 
> The cost, as she refused mediation and denied the validity of the pre-nup, was absurdly high.
> 
> The judge's decision, in late June, was the pre-nup stood and I would be reimbursed for some of the non-legal fees I paid over the years. She ended up with zilch, zero, nada.
> 
> In a few days we will learn if she and her mother (the wicked *itches of the east) will appeal.


I heard from my atty today, the ex and sleazy have filed two motions, one to get explicit details on the financial split, which is necessary, and one to re-argue the case. These will be heard at the end of July.

My atty is certain the judge will not allow him to re-argue; if he wants to appeal he will have to file an appeal which could cost the ex 30K.

I hope she's right. The downside is this will give them more time to appeal, the upside is we will ask the ex's atty to pay me the 20K I paid him under court orders. The ex has more liquid cash than I do less than a $1,00, so it is a possibility.

After all these years, both pre and post divorce, the term ex-wife is beautiful.


----------



## Shaggy

Is there anything you can do to crank up the heat of her?

Maybe create a web site, say her name is Margo. Cheat the site margoisacheater.com and begin writing the based on the true story screen play daily at the site?


----------



## jdd

Has this finally ended or are you still waiting?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ThinkTooMuch

jdd said:


> Has this finally ended or are you still waiting?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I wish I could report it is over - the judge's decision in late June is now being appealed by the ex, she is representing herself.

I've won, I'm divorced, my GF and I live together very happily in one of the most beautiful places in the US.

The rest of this process will slowly work itself out.

Her attorney is owed over $20,000, she has not filed tax returns for 3+ years, and is doing her awful best to extend this ongoing mini-drama.

Her efforts will not succeed; her goal is to cost me money and hold uncertainty over my head. She has gone far beyond the rage of "a woman scorned", aided by her, IMO, off the wall mother.

I'm certain she will not accept a "Get" from me, despite my rabbi's belief that she will. 

The appeals court in CT has two relatively short sessions a year, handling a total of 2,400 cases. I've read that overall only 5% of plaintiffs (the ex in this case) win appeals when the decision is made by the judge.

If anyone wants the name of her atty in order to use or suggest to a stbX, email me back channel. I can just about guarantee high bills, a great deal of nastiness, delays, useless motions, ridiculous settlement offers, etc. This man isn't a shark, he's a bottom feeder who used to run his advts on the back cover of the Stamford CT Yellow pages.

My advice to both men and women prior to getting engaged or married - if your stb M-I-L or F-I-L is crazy, run, run to the exit.


----------



## jdd

Wow, I'm sorry to hear this is still going on. It really sounds like you held your head high the whole time. It's amazing that she has been able to drag this out for so long. I sure hope your able to reach a finaly resloution in the near future and get this done and over with once and for all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## theroad

KanDo said:


> Update. We are at the marriage counselor. Still admits nothing wrong. Did find two emails that don't look good either. So far we have not discussed this issue in MC yet. My plan is to require a choice. Me marriage and my city or city 1, Jim and divorce. She has her phone locked and likely erases each txt anyway. Found the email because she used my computer to access her account and left it open....I have called divorce attorney and forwarded these pieces of "evidence" on to her and started the paperwork..
> 
> I am pretty broken hearted.


I just found this thread today. Red flag locked phone. Jumped to the end and I was not surprised.


----------



## Horizon

So you have been to hell and back and your wife is now doing this? She is a recidivist KanDo. People can rationalise anything and lie through their teeth to those they love the most and tell them it meant nothing. We live in an age of unrestrained selfishness.


----------



## missthelove2013

Kando, did you fire your lawyer and get a new one??
Sounds like he is milking you as much as she is...


----------



## LostAndContent

ThinkTooMuch said:


> I wish I could report it is over - the judge's decision in late June is now being appealed by the ex, she is representing herself.
> 
> I've won, I'm divorced, my GF and I live together very happily in one of the most beautiful places in the US.
> 
> The rest of this process will slowly work itself out.
> 
> Her attorney is owed over $20,000, she has not filed tax returns for 3+ years, and is doing her awful best to extend this ongoing mini-drama.
> 
> Her efforts will not succeed; her goal is to cost me money and hold uncertainty over my head. She has gone far beyond the rage of "a woman scorned", aided by her, IMO, off the wall mother.
> 
> I'm certain she will not accept a "Get" from me, despite my rabbi's belief that she will.
> 
> The appeals court in CT has two relatively short sessions a year, handling a total of 2,400 cases. I've read that overall only 5% of plaintiffs (the ex in this case) win appeals when the decision is made by the judge.
> 
> If anyone wants the name of her atty in order to use or suggest to a stbX, email me back channel. I can just about guarantee high bills, a great deal of nastiness, delays, useless motions, ridiculous settlement offers, etc. This man isn't a shark, he's a bottom feeder who used to run his advts on the back cover of the Stamford CT Yellow pages.
> 
> My advice to both men and women prior to getting engaged or married - if your stb M-I-L or F-I-L is crazy, run, run to the exit.


Wait, why is someone else answering KanDo's thread? Do I have to go and read this guys stuff now too?


----------



## Chris989

Any updates Kando?

I don't take any pleasure from this, but seeing how long things have dragged on for you made me feel a little better after today when my ex rang to say her brothers had further delayed the legal settlement on our farm - with an issue I specifically discussed with them 2 months ago.

Had to threaten to sue them *again*.

It's like Charlie Brown trying to kick his football, with the ex or her family being Lucy:


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## KanDo

No real action. I finally sent the last of her property to her. Awaiting an arbitration as required by our prenup. She keeps delaying thinking it will increase her take. (Unfortunately she is probably right)

Our family law system is totally f'ed up!


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## Thorburn

KanDo said:


> No real action. I finally sent the last of her property to her. Awaiting an arbitration as required by our prenup. She keeps delaying thinking it will increase her take. (Unfortunately she is probably right)
> 
> Our family law system is totally f'ed up!


Yes it is. Quite a bit of the anti-adultery laws are gone.

Been a long road for you and it still isn't over.

How are you doing?


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## KanDo

A bit discouraged. Living my life as much as possible as if she didn't exist!


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## workindad

I know it is easier said than done, but try to keep your focus on the positive. Sooner or later- you will be free of this cheater from your life and will have the opportunity to start again... minus the lying cheater.

Hang in there!

All the best
WD


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## KanDo

Well, It has been a year since my last post. I have been away from the forum for quite some time... The common themes were just getting to me. I can report that I am FINALLY divorced. Went to mediation/arbitration. She was expert at delaying at every turn. I hate to say it, but it paid off for her as the marital community estate continued to grow from me working my tail off. I am embarassed to say how much this mistake in my life has costs me. 

Having this ordeal finally done , despite the costs, has been a great relief.

I hope all you all are well and healing from your own ordeals.


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## happyman64

Kando

Wow that divorce took a long time. And yes she used you financially.

Did your Ex ever apologize for all the affairs and the failure of the marriage or did she remain selfish till the end?

HM


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## ThePheonix

Kando, when you start kicking yourself over the costs, think about how much the costs would be if you'd stayed with this vampire and how much your life is worth now that your rid of her.


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## Nucking Futs

KanDo said:


> Well, It has been a year since my last post. I have been away from the forum for quite some time... The common themes were just getting to me. I can report that I am FINALLY divorced. Went to mediation/arbitration. She was expert at delaying at every turn. I hate to say it, but it paid off for her as the marital community estate continued to grow from me working my tail off. I am embarassed to say how much this mistake in my life has costs me.
> 
> Having this ordeal finally done , despite the costs, has been a great relief.
> 
> I hope all you all are well and healing from your own ordeals.


You know the old joke. Why is a divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it.


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## KanDo

I appreciate the advice to put the costs into perspective; certainly was cheaper to get rid of the vampire now and not 10 years from now! She did say she was sorry in an email and gave me an update on how wonderful her life currently is.... Needless to say, I did not respond. 

Despite the financial hit, I am doing quite well. I have a wonderful lady in my life. work is good, the sky seems a little bluer and the grass a little greener


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## KanDo

I just have to vent about this craziness.

In the divorce, XW was given a BIG chunk of one of my retirement plans. The decree has the amount specified exactly (and no interest to be paid on the money from my plan). To transfer the money to her, she needs to have a QDRO (special court order for retirement plans) approved and filed with the court and to fill out an application for an account to transfer the money to her. I know her legal team has drafted the order because it was sent to me and my lawyer and I approved the form.

I sent her the application for the new account which needs nothing but her signature and I even gave her a Fed-ex label so she could return it to me.

To date she has not filed the QDRO nor returned the account application! Despite me reminding her that she is getting ZERO return on this money! :slap:

I am keeping her money in money market holdings because I don't want a market crash to wipe out the money I owe her. Even so, I have made a pretty penny on the interest. My GF thinks she is doing whatever she can to stay connected and that I am not totally rid of her until this transaction occurs..... If this isn't crazy, I don't know what is.


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## happyman64

KanDo said:


> I just have to vent about this craziness.
> 
> In the divorce, XW was given a BIG chunk of one of my retirement plans. The decree has the amount specified exactly (and no interest to be paid on the money from my plan). To transfer the money to her, she needs to have a QDRO (special court order for retirement plans) approved and filed with the court and to fill out an application for an account to transfer the money to her. I know her legal team has drafted the order because it was sent to me and my lawyer and I approved the form.
> 
> I sent her the application for the new account which needs nothing but her signature and I even gave her a Fed-ex label so she could return it to me.
> 
> To date she has not filed the QDRO nor returned the account application! Despite me reminding her that she is getting ZERO return on this money! :slap:
> 
> I am keeping her money in money market holdings because I don't want a market crash to wipe out the money I owe her. Even so, I have made a pretty penny on the interest. My GF thinks she is doing whatever she can to stay connected and that I am not totally rid of her until this transaction occurs..... If this isn't crazy, I don't know what is.


You know your Ex is crazy.

Maybe the girl who wanted to live in City#2 with you wants to hold on. But the nutjob in City #1 currently has hold of her mind...... 

Hold the money and keep the interest.

And tell your GF that you would love to be rid of her but your Ex is nuts. I'm she understands by now.


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## happyman64

Amazing after almost 4 years she is still dragging things out.

What a shame Kando.

Did you ever think your Ex would turn out to be a person like this......


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## Dogbert

Maybe she's dead. After all, she did hang out with a pretty scummy OM didn't she?

You may want to consider contacting one of her attorneys and ask him to provide you with a contacting address.


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## happyman64

You just made me laugh Dogbert.

Hopefully Kando is laughing too.


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## KanDo

happyman64 said:


> Amazing after almost 4 years she is still dragging things out.
> 
> What a shame Kando.
> 
> Did you ever think your Ex would turn out to be a person like this......


Never thought this would drag on like this. (and she isn't dead. Still sends me the occasional text message which I ignore


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## GusPolinski

KanDo said:


> Never thought this would drag on like this. (and she isn't dead. Still sends me the occasional text message which I ignore


I think I'd have changed my number by now.


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## Borntohang

How's Jimmy doing?


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## chaos

Borntohang said:


> How's Jimmy doing?


That's question is in bad taste, don't you think?


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## Dogbert

Have you considered configuring your phone to only allow incoming text messages and calls from friends, family, and business associates?


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## KanDo

Don't really care about getting her texts. I can just ignore them. But, I would like to get the financial connections totally severed.


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## Dogbert

KanDo said:


> Don't really care about getting her texts. I can just ignore them. But, I would like to get the financial connections totally severed.


So is it just a waiting game until she feels like it?


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## GusPolinski

KanDo said:


> Don't really care about getting her texts. I can just ignore them. But, I would like to get the financial connections totally severed.


The next time that she texts you, wait a few minutes and respond w/ something like this...

"Sorry, just got this number today. You might want to update your contact information for whoever it is that you're trying to reach."

...and then watch what happens. She might suddenly start lighting up your e-mail inbox, at which point you can re-initiate said financial discussions.

Outside of that, could you extract the funds, cut her a cashier's check, and then send it to her via certified mail?


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## happy as a clam

KanDo...

Just wondering if there's some kind of statute of limitations on getting the QDRO ball rolling. Maybe she forfeits the money if she doesn't act in good faith in a certain time period. I would discuss it with your lawyer (?) Just a thought...

I also had to do a QDRO and I can tell you, it was not as "quick or easy" as the financial people made it seem. The first few drafts of the document were rejected by one party or the other (or the court), it was months of endless rewrites and editing, resubmitting for approval. Seems like every time I thought we had a final document, the court would come back with some ridiculous minor change. Yuck.

At some point, I would think you have some sort of "squatters' rights"  to the money, since she is doing nothing about it. Maybe that's just pie-in-the-sky dreaming?


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## KanDo

happy as a clam said:


> KanDo...
> 
> Just wondering if there's some kind of statute of limitations on getting the QDRO ball rolling. Maybe she forfeits the money if she doesn't act in good faith in a certain time period. I would discuss it with your lawyer (?) Just a thought...
> 
> I also had to do a QDRO and I can tell you, it was not as "quick or easy" as the financial people made it seem. The first few drafts of the document were rejected by one party or the other (or the court), it was months of endless rewrites and editing, resubmitting for approval. Seems like every time I thought we had a final document, the court would come back with some ridiculous minor change. Yuck.
> 
> At some point, I would think you have some sort of "squatters' rights"  to the money, since she is doing nothing about it. Maybe that's just pie-in-the-sky dreaming?


Pretty sure that squatter's rights would never accrue; but it does limit me because i planned on closing this plan. It is specifically named in the divorce decree.


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## Affaircare

Kando, 

There are 2 things you can do to get the QDRO ball rolling:

1) You, or your attorney, can remind your former spouse that if he/she refuses to sign any Domestic Relations Order, he/she will be in violation of the previous court order. You can commence contempt proceedings against your former spouse. Any person who willfully disobeys a court order, and has both the knowledge and ability to comply with that order, and is found guilty of contempt may be fined, required to pay attorneys’ fees, ordered to perform community service, or imprisoned. 

2) Another alternative is to file a motion to appoint an elisor. An elisor allows a court-appointed individual to sign the QDRO on your former spouse’s behalf if he/she refuses to sign. Your divorce attorney can assist you with this motion, which usually begins by completing and filing a “Request for Order” with the court that heard your divorce matter.


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## Dogbert

Affaircare said:


> Kando,
> 
> There are 2 things you can do to get the QDRO ball rolling:
> 
> 1) You, or your attorney, can remind your former spouse that if he/she refuses to sign any Domestic Relations Order, he/she will be in violation of the previous court order. You can commence contempt proceedings against your former spouse. Any person who willfully disobeys a court order, and has both the knowledge and ability to comply with that order, and is found guilty of contempt may be fined, required to pay attorneys’ fees, ordered to perform community service, or imprisoned.
> 
> 2) Another alternative is to file a motion to appoint an elisor. An elisor allows a court-appointed individual to sign the QDRO on your former spouse’s behalf if he/she refuses to sign. Your divorce attorney can assist you with this motion, which usually begins by completing and filing a “Request for Order” with the court that heard your divorce matter.


Great post Affaircare.


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## KanDo

Affaircare said:


> Kando,
> 
> There are 2 things you can do to get the QDRO ball rolling:
> 
> 1) You, or your attorney, can remind your former spouse that if he/she refuses to sign any Domestic Relations Order, he/she will be in violation of the previous court order. You can commence contempt proceedings against your former spouse. Any person who willfully disobeys a court order, and has both the knowledge and ability to comply with that order, and is found guilty of contempt may be fined, required to pay attorneys’ fees, ordered to perform community service, or imprisoned.
> 
> 2) Another alternative is to file a motion to appoint an elisor. An elisor allows a court-appointed individual to sign the QDRO on your former spouse’s behalf if he/she refuses to sign. Your divorce attorney can assist you with this motion, which usually begins by completing and filing a “Request for Order” with the court that heard your divorce matter.


Thanks for the advice! If we don't get something in the next 45 days, I will get my lawyer to file a motion with the court.


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## bandit.45

Actually none of what KanDo's ex-wife is doing is crazy. 

She's not crazy. She's worthless, pathetic and desperate. She knows she's a loser, and she knows that KanDo is the only connection she has to being able to live any kind of a semblance of a normal life. She stalls and delays and prevaricates because it is the only way she can keep KanDo connected to her. She's not crazy. She is quite lucid and knows exactly what she is doing. 

I think when she was married to KanDo he was the only thing in her life that was stable. And like most waywards, she took him for granted, thinking she could find herself a little fun on the side. When he left her and the smoke cleared she realized to her horror that he was probably the only stable thing she ever had in her life. As she spirals out of control, she will crave his presence more and more. 

This won't end when they get this retirement issue settled. That's a pipe dream. She's going to slither her tentacles in and out of his life for years to come, or until she can find a replacement just like him.


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## Dogbert

Interesting POV bandit.45. Do you find that your XWW tries to contact you? Mine does every 3 to 4 months. Why on earth do they do that? As attractive women they certainly are in no short supply of men who would want to get involved with them, so why reach out to the men that dumped them? :scratchhead:


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## GusPolinski

Dogbert said:


> Interesting POV bandit.45. Do you find that your XWW tries to contact you? Mine does every 3 to 4 months. Why on earth do they do that? As attractive women they certainly are in no short supply of men who would want to get involved with them, so why reach out to the men that dumped them? :scratchhead:


They're probably looking for -- or, rather, hoping for -- a bit of stability.

The carousel has to get old after a while.


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## Dogbert

GusPolinski said:


> They're probably looking for -- or, rather, hoping for -- a bit of stability.
> 
> The carousel has to get old after a while.


So it's the ol' better the devil you know than than the one you don't? It makes some sense considering that many cheaters are terrified of getting a taste of their own medicine. So, we the faithful are their known quantity


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## GusPolinski

Dogbert said:


> So it's the ol' better the devil you know than than the one you don't? It makes some sense considering that many cheaters are terrified of getting a taste of their own medicine. So, we the faithful are their known quantity


There are probably at least a few reasons for the behavior...

Having a safe harbor: the WS wants to keep the BS as a solid Plan B, fallback position, or whatever you want to call it.

Soothing guilt: if the WS can convince the BS to be friends, his or her betrayal can't have been that bad... right?!?

Genuine love: it's entirely possible that the WS may still love -- and even be in love with -- his or her BS. After all, not all cheaters intend to be caught and/or leave their marriages... a great many of them are just looking to get some strange on the side. (I'd suspect that this is more often true of WHs than of WWs.)


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## BetrayedDad

GusPolinski said:


> Having a safe harbor: the WS wants to keep the BS as a solid Plan B, fallback position, or whatever you want to call it.


Agreed. Most cheaters can't be alone. They're always looking for backup. Sometimes they have multiple backups. You were stable in the past so they will try to plan b you.



GusPolinski said:


> Soothing guilt: if the WS can convince the BS to be friends, his or her betrayal can't have been that bad... right?!?


Agreed. If you befriend them, in their mind their sins are forgiven and they can start to justify their actions. Keep contact with your ex strictly about the kids for that reason. 



GusPolinski said:


> Genuine love: it's entirely possible that the WS may still love -- and even be in love with -- his or her BS.


Disagree. They might care about what happens to you but they don't love you anymore. There is certainly a big difference. Think about an old relationship you had with an ex gf/bf that was good but just didn't work out for whatever reason. You certainly don't love the person anymore but if you found out they were in the hospital you would still care to some degree, hope they were ok etc. No different.


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## GusPolinski

BetrayedDad said:


> Disagree. They might care about what happens to you but they don't love you anymore. There is certainly a big difference. Think about an old relationship you had with an ex gf/bf that was good but just didn't work out for whatever reason. You certainly don't love the person anymore but if you found out they were in the hospital you would still care to some degree, hope they were ok etc. No different.


BD, some people are just broken, and they love to the degree that they can.


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## bandit.45

Dogbert said:


> Interesting POV bandit.45. *Do you find that your XWW tries to contact you? *Mine does every 3 to 4 months. Why on earth do they do that? As attractive women they certainly are in no short supply of men who would want to get involved with them, so why reach out to the men that dumped them? :scratchhead:


No. She has found a new chump to lean on.


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## happyman64

bandit.45 said:


> No. She has found a new chump to lean on.


Poor Chump!


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## Decorum

KanDo said:


> I am embarassed to say how much this mistake in my life has costs me.


Kando you seemed to handle it as well as any person could. What "mistake" would you do differently?

Push to go to trial, get a new lawyer, defer your earnings, or do you mean just marrying her? I hope you don't mind my asking.

Also did she not ask you for a baby, she still may see you as the only man she has known that could provide a stable home. I wounder if this is why she keeps in touch and hopes one day to get together again, OMG she may have wanted you to get her pregnant near the end when she wanted to come over. What do you think? She knows you would have been responsible even if divorced.

Dodged a bullet there.

People differ on this, especially if they have children but do you think you would have been better off to have never gotten involved with her? Have you ever told her that?

Again hope you don't mind my asking.

All the best to you, take care!


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## KanDo

Decorum said:


> Kando you seemed to handle it as well as any person could. What "mistake" would you do differently?
> 
> Push to go to trial, get a new lawyer, defer your earnings, or do you mean just marrying her? I hope you don't mind my asking.
> 
> Also did she not ask you for a baby, she still may see you as the only man she has known that could provide a stable home. I wounder if this is why she keeps in touch and hopes one day to get together again, OMG she may have wanted you to get her pregnant near the end when she wanted to come over. What do you think? She knows you would have been responsible even if divorced.
> 
> Dodged a bullet there.
> 
> People differ on this, especially if they have children but do you think you would have been better off to have never gotten involved with her? Have you ever told her that?
> 
> Again hope you don't mind my asking.
> 
> All the best to you, take care!


Well, my comment was about the whole marriage. At this point I think I would have been better off having never gotten involved with her. I clearly did not know who she was from the very beginning.


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## happyman64

How could you?

I know how frustrated you are.

I remember when I introduced my wife to my parents. Their first impressions were interesting.

Then I dated my wife for over 6 years. Their impression changed. 

But my Dad said some very wise words to me.

"Look at your MIL. Because your wife will become her over the next 50 years. Can you live with that? Can you love that woman?"

"Then look at her family. Because that will be the family your wife will envision to having one day. Is that what you want as well?"

And he was so right.

Thankfully this girl turned out to be the keeper.

Don't give up. Every woman is crazy. Just how crazy is what you have to figure out if you can live with.....


HM


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