# First post, been reading here



## Vegas1031 (Dec 1, 2010)

I apologize for how long this will be, as I am going to space it enough to be readable. There's too many walls of text on these forums.

My wife and I have been married just over 2 years now. We met on an online dating site and it took off very quickly from there. After 4 months we were married, after 6 we had bought our first home. We have had some problems in the past, divorce mentioned once last year. That was, until last week, the worse of it. We'd have one or less fights per month and always patched things ups pretty quickly. Even last year's divorce threat only lasted a couple of days and then things worked out.

A week before Thanksgiving, my wife went out with her friends from work to the city. She said they'd be out late and I said that was ok, just to call me if they were in no shape to drive home. All I asked was that she come home and not stay out all night.

She didn't listen. I was very upset, but this was diffused when she told me the next morning that she thinks she might be pregnant (we had been trying for 2 months). So we got her a test and, yes, she was pregnant. At that point I was overjoyed and a lot less pissed off. I mean, she couldn't and wouldn't do that again while she was with child.

The day before TG, she miscarried. Happy holidays to us. Here's where the problems began. She cried and was so heartbroken... for a day. Then she seemed to be ok. She'd just say "Well, there's a 20% chance of miscarriage even in healthy women, it's just biology, unfortunately."

The day after TG, she goes out again on another bender. When she comes home this time, she tells me "I don't think I want to be married anymore. I've seen what life can be and I think I want that. I'm relieved I lost the baby, I would have been trapped in this life."

I'm sure you can imagine a loving husband's reaction to such a thing, especially after losing the pregnancy...

She was out all weekend. She's only spent 2 nights at home since, and both times on the couch. She's not socializing with me and she's pretty much put up a wall between us. She says she needs space to "figure things out."

Some of these feelings were what caused the last divorce talk, so it's not all just about losing the baby. But I do think she's not dealing with some emotions and she's been putting this wall up to save herself some pain or to avoid something. We didn't really have a social life before because we both suffered from some social anxiety and depression. Now she's on meds (I'm not, but I will be) and is loving life with me, it seems.

I want to show her that our marriage is worth keeping and that she can still have a social life and have fun. I want to show her that after I deal with my own issues, I can be fun again and she'll WANT to have me around and do things with me and not just without me.

Any input would be appreciated.

I am getting help for myself. But I want to save my marriage, too. She's not jumping straight to divorce, but she says she's not sure she wants to work it out.


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## Applepies (Nov 14, 2010)

Social anxiety? Then medication. And partying all night?

Sounds like she's enjoying the club scene. Is she drinking? I'm wondering if that is a bad idea on medication...but she is a big girl.

The club scene gets real boring, real fast. I'd be hoping she discovers that very quickly.


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## Vegas1031 (Dec 1, 2010)

Applepies said:


> Social anxiety? Then medication. And partying all night?
> 
> Sounds like she's enjoying the club scene. Is she drinking? I'm wondering if that is a bad idea on medication...but she is a big girl.
> 
> The club scene gets real boring, real fast. I'd be hoping she discovers that very quickly.


Not even clubbing, even just at a friend's house or bar hopping.


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## Applepies (Nov 14, 2010)

May I ask how old you both are? I'm thinking that medication that helps you jump that shy barrier, might make being around others without the shyness holding you back...it just might be really enjoyable to her right now.

How is the communication between you two? Can you talk to her honestly about this?


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## Vegas1031 (Dec 1, 2010)

Applepies said:


> May I ask how old you both are? I'm thinking that medication that helps you jump that shy barrier, might make being around others without the shyness holding you back...it just might be really enjoyable to her right now.
> 
> How is the communication between you two? Can you talk to her honestly about this?


I'm going on 27 and she's going on 25.

I always thought communication was good between us. But recently, not so much. She talked to me last night and more or less told me she's having an EA. I don't think she really "loves" him, he's a friend of hers and they have stuff in common, but I don't think it's love and I know he doesn't feel the same for her.

She just has this issue where she wants something, gets it and decides later maybe it wasn't what she wanted. I told her I want her to think about this, because she is so fickle, I don't want her making the wrong decision in any case. I love her and I want her to be happy- preferably with me, but if that can't work, I'm not going to hold her back.

I just think this is like everything else. She wanted a quick wedding in Vegas and the next week she wished we had a "real" wedding. She was in such a hurry for us to buy the house, and then when we moved in she decided she hates it.

I told her I really believe that we have what it takes to have a good and happy marriage and I want her to think about it from my point of view as well as her current. I also told her she needs therapy. Because even if she wants to be alone now, she won't at some later point and if she doesn't resolve these issues, they will follow her all of her life and into every other relationship after this.

As of this morning, she's moving in with her mom for a month to see how she feels living without me. I'm hoping she'll miss me and call to say she wants to get the therapy she needs and she believes what I said is true and this is worth working out.


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## Applepies (Nov 14, 2010)

You are incredibly insightful for 27.

I would do some soul searching myself, if I were you. Look to see if this type of partner is a recurring pattern and what you can do to get to a point where this type of partner, is no longer attractive.

If she decides to work on her issues, and you work on your issues, then there is a chance. If she chooses not to, you will still be in a better position and emotionally healthier.


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