# husband sister issue



## winterforest (Jun 3, 2017)

Hi I'm new.
I'll get right to it. Maybe I'm overreacting? Maybe I'm seeing it wrong? Anytime we have a family gathering my husband and sister monopolize the conversation. The 2 of them always put on this big display, talking debating in front of everyone, which no one can ignore because they end up being the only ones talking and everyone else quiet and watching. I have tried to get involved in these conversations but have been rudely ignored or talked over by them. I have been married 32 years, and this has been going on for awhile. I have never paid attention to it in the past, but lately it really is starting to bother me. My sister has always competed with me, she is 5 years older. I am quiet she is more social and has always taken over any conversation. Her behaviour has been rude, selfish, and inconsiderate towards me. I find it hurtful how they carry on and ignore my presence, this has happened in gatherings and when the 3 of us have been together. She has this habit of catering to my husband which I feel is overboard. She has to control everything and has to always get in the middle of conversations. They always end up in a conversation together, bantering back and forth. My husband says he has no interest in her and actually does not like her. If you did not like someone would you give them the time of day? He says that out of respect for me he is nice to her? She is married has 2 sons in their 30's which she also mothers to death. I just feel that her and my husband give each other too much focused attention. There is more to this her behaviour towards me, my mother's behaviour towards me, I don't know, I hate that I feel like this towards my husband and family. I do not think I have explained myself well, there is just too much to explain.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

The next time they are going at it, stand up and loudly say "Would the two of you just get a damn room!". After 32 years, enough is enough.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> The next time they are going at it, stand up and loudly say "Would the two of you just get a damn room!". After 32 years, enough is enough.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

Yeah no, this is not acceptable. My brother in law and I have similar interests and very high IQs so we do tend to get into deep conversations but never ignore our spouses or family! We both have younger kids so we get interrupted by them as well, we just pick up where we left off when it's doable and we do include others if they want to join in. They don't usually because our discussions are complicated and not many people understand what we r talking about. Sometimes we just try and explain it to people if they ask, which we do t mind. These two seem to not give a crap about anyone else in the room and as for he doesn't like her...I call bull**** on that, if he gets into deep conversation he likes her just fine. Not saying inappropriate like, because I love my brother in law, but as a brother. Why he would say he doesn't like her idk but that does put up a red flag. Is she married? I know u said she has grown kids but thought I'd ask. I don't like this behavior, something's off and they r definitely disrespectful to u and the rest of the family. I would say exactly what the above responder said, tell them to get a room, maybe then that will snap them into reality, at least on ur husbands end, the sister seems like a selfish lost cause.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

what does your sister's husband think of all of this? Surely he has something to say about it, maybe he hasnt liked it too much either and could rope his wife in.
Perhaps he could tell his wife, 'ok love, I think you've done enough putting the world to rights, let someone else get a word in edgeways" bring her down a peg or two, there is got to be someone in the family who will do this?


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## m00nman (Nov 29, 2014)

Exactly, you and your BIL need to share the load in reigning these two egomaniacs in.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

m00nman said:


> Exactly, you and your BIL need to share the load in reigning these two egomaniacs in.


What steps do you suggest?


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## m00nman (Nov 29, 2014)

NextTimeAround said:


> What steps do you suggest?


Just what @aine said. When the two of them get loud either one of them step in and basically say "you have an opinion and have said your piece. Move on."



aine said:


> what does your sister's husband think of all of this? Surely he has something to say about it, maybe he hasnt liked it too much either and could rope his wife in.
> Perhaps he could tell his wife, 'ok love, I think you've done enough putting the world to rights, let someone else get a word in edgeways" bring her down a peg or two, there is got to be someone in the family who will do this?


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## winterforest (Jun 3, 2017)

All the responses are exactly how i feel about the situation. I have confronted her about her behaviour, she does not recognize that she is overboard. I have spoken to my husband, he is quite fine about not joining in on family gatherings...he says he doesn't care and only goes out of respect for me. AT this point in my life, it is very sad for me that my relationship with my sister and my mother is falling apart for me. I go through periods where I lose sleep over it all, because I think I'm just overreacting and that I should be able to overcome the nonsense.

Yes she is married and her husband is present. Does not seem to bother him. He basically just sits at family gatherings and does not say a word. She does all the talking really. Buzzing around. Controlling everything. If I am having a conversation with her sons, she immediately has to get involved.

My husband says he gets into conversations/debates/arguments with her because he hates, that she is a know it all. And just wants to show her she is wrong and put her in her place.

Latest example: Mothers day: we have barely stepped foot into the house, (mind you she had to be the one at door as we enter, always the one to answer the door, this is my mother's home), we are greeting everyone, My husband is not staying he is going to work (really he is not staying because of this whole situation, so he is staying away, because I can't stand to be in the same room with both of them at this point), and she immediately starts "Hi ______, we are bbq, would you like me to get you some food so you can take it with you to work?" my husband: big smile, all charming, acts all confused "no can't I have to leave I'm not staying" my sister: "oh no I mean you can take it with you, just wait, I'll go get you some," my husband stands there bigs smile (I think he loves the attention, he says he is just trying not to be rude), my sister: "just wait It must be ready, I'll get some" ... and off she goes. 

Like oh my God! I find it too weird. Is it weird? Or am i just not as helpful? nurturing as a woman? Is this a woman thing? Am I just not as friendly, accommodating, social ?? 

I have confronted my husband and said "get a room". He is adamant that he is definitely not interested in her that way. And that she just annoys him. 

thanks for the responses !


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

'Confronting' her some other time will do nothing to change her behavior. It's how she's wired. How he's wired. They feed off of it. The only solution to this is for the REST of you to decide to no longer allow it. Thus the suggestion to get with BIL and come up with a plan, like cutting them off, or getting everyone to move out of whatever room they're in and go hang out somewhere else. You will never change either of them, but you CAN control the room.

How is your marriage aside from that?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Video them and at the next gathering play it back and do a Monday morning quarterback session. Ask the family members to critique their performances and determine who made the better points, who was more persuasive etc and finally ask them to rate the entertainment value of the debacle. Was it as entertaining as a rerun of the Lawrence Welk show or was it more like Hee-Haw? Did it approach the level of Seven or the Usual Suspects? Reward the winner with a bona-fide donkey's tail.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

turnera said:


> 'Confronting' her some other time will do nothing to change her behavior. It's how she's wired. How he's wired. They feed off of it. The only solution to this is for the REST of you to decide to no longer allow it. Thus the suggestion to get with BIL and come up with a plan, like cutting them off, *or getting everyone to move out of whatever room they're in and go hang out somewhere else.* You will never change either of them, but you CAN control the room.
> 
> How is your marriage aside from that?


And do this very quietly, so that when they finally notice they're left with wondering how long have the two of them been alone with their stage production while no one was watching.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

winterforest said:


> My husband says he gets into conversations/debates/arguments with her because *he hates, that she is a know it all. * And just wants to show her she is wrong and put her in her place.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Hmmm...I tend to stay the hell away from people that annoy me. 

The whole thing is weird. Why do you think you are the problem?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Gotta say it, since no one else is. Are you sure they're not attracted to each other?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

winterforest said:


> All the responses are exactly how i feel about the situation. I have confronted her about her behaviour, she does not recognize that she is overboard. I have spoken to my husband, he is quite fine about not joining in on family gatherings...he says he doesn't care and only goes out of respect for me. AT this point in my life, it is very sad for me that my relationship with my sister and my mother is falling apart for me. I go through periods where I lose sleep over it all, because I think I'm just overreacting and that I should be able to overcome the nonsense.
> 
> Yes she is married and her husband is present. Does not seem to bother him. He basically just sits at family gatherings and does not say a word. She does all the talking really. Buzzing around. Controlling everything. If I am having a conversation with her sons, she immediately has to get involved.
> 
> ...


And for the love of God, if it bothers you so much, why can't you pull up your big girl panties and say to your sister, 'No worries, I can manage to take care of my H, don't you have your own to take care of?" or "my H is a big boy now, he doesn't need you flapping around him, go find something useful to do<" or something equally caustic. You can if you want to you know.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

It doesn't matter if your husband agrees with you- you just need to tell him it bothers you and you'd like him to stop engaging with her, out of consideration for you. 

I also think you'd be wise to significantly limit the time you spend around your sister.

There is nothing wrong with your feelings. It is perfectly reasonable to ask your husband to stop engaging with your sister this way, out of concern and care for you.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

peacem said:


> *Hmmm...I tend to stay the hell away from people that annoy me.*
> 
> The whole thing is weird. Why do you think you are the problem?


I also tend to stay away from those who annoy me, if I'm able to, that is. If it's family though, it's harder. It sounds like you need to set some boundaries in your relationship with your sister and your Mom. How old are you guys?

A few years ago, I couldn't have a conversation with my parents without one of us blowing up, and a few years before that, my sister was into calling me names and bullying me (she's 8 years my senior). I didn't know how to deal with it, and I went to see a therapist to learn how to set boundaries. Maybe this is something for you to consider? If it were my husband too, I'd be sitting him down, and telling him just how it makes you feel when things like this happen. If it continues after speaking to him and to a therapist, I would just stop going to family gatherings, and when asked why, I'd let them know.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

turnera said:


> Gotta say it, since no one else is. Are you sure they're not attracted to each other?


 I think the sister may have an attraction and/or is just trying to "win" since she has always been dominate over the OP. I think the husband could legitimately despise his sister in law and takes great joy in proving her wrong. I can relate to that mindset and have done it on an occasion or two myself.


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## winterforest (Jun 3, 2017)

This dynamic with my sister has been my whole life. But when I was younger it didn't bother me, I never deemed it to be malicious, and I did not want to hurt her feelings. Maybe I was naive. Now for some reason it bothers me, I am more aware and sick and tired of it. I find my husband and sister have very similar qualities. Arrogance is one. They both like to argue/debate. My husband loves to play the devil's advocate. 
I am staying away from my sister, I am trying to not let this all get to me and am trying to let it go. I have confronted my husband, he has apologized and will do whatever I want. He was ready to tell her off (little too harsh for me). I basically said just ignore her when she starts up with you. She will get the message that she can't have all the attention all of the time! 
My husband is very very good looking, and women have always gravitated to him. Like so good looking he turns heads. So is she attracted to him, probably. 
At my age I should be able to deal with this I know. 54. 
Thank you to all your replies, it means alot!


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## winterforest (Jun 3, 2017)

aine said:


> And for the love of God, if it bothers you so much, why can't you pull up your big girl panties and say to your sister, 'No worries, I can manage to take care of my H, don't you have your own to take care of?" or "my H is a big boy now, he doesn't need you flapping around him, go find something useful to do<" or something equally caustic. You can if you want to you know.


 I think next time if this happens again, I will say exactly that. I guess I never have said anything while with the whole family, or too much to her to avoid confrontation and I think they would all think I'm crazy. I hate putting myself on display and revealing my weaknesses.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I would think that you telling her off like that would be the OPPOSITE of showing weakness. 

It's all the people just sitting there in agony who are showing weakness.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

it's been going on for a long time, your sister bothers you, family gatherings bother you... maybe it's YOU???

Regardless, try this. Sit down with your husband, explain that you appreciate the fact that he is nice to your sister and your family out of respect for you. Ask him to do one more thing for you. In these situations, ask him to turn to you and ask you your opinion, or get you into the conversation. make sure he knows that your sister may try to steamroll you and that he has to remain focused on you for a few minutes, then go back into the general conversation, then bring you back into it again.

Try it and see how it works.


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