# I'm new, intro and first dilema.... help? Ladies??



## kforbes84 (Feb 27, 2013)

Ok so first off, I am Kristina and I am in my second marriage, first ended in divorce, (drugs were an issue) and we had two kids. My current husband and I are married, he too is divorced previously and has 2 kids as well. We are pretty happy for the most part, been together 5.5 years and married for 6 mos. or so. I am seeking out some help from people like me who have gotten past this hump I'm stuck on..... being intimate with my husband lately, well, it's a chore. I'm not trying to say that I don't enjoy it, but it feels more like a duty, it feels more like a job, than something that we should just let happen. He chases me all over the house and plays grab ass, constantly fondeling my breasts and the rest of my pieces and parts, my issue here is that I am no long attracted to him like I was. I find his weight gain to be somewhat disturbing, knowing I am not in perfect shape, but I have not grown a keg strapped to my belly. I would like some more love and intimacy to be involved instead of him making a plan to hump at 6:30 b/c he is horney. Or even for him to get all sloppy drunk and then come walking in the house to wake me up expecting me to want to jump on top of him. I can't do this anymore...... This is an issue that I went through with my ex and I don't want it to end, I love my husband, and if I could find a way to make the sex feel less like a job/chore, I could easily look past the keg he strapped onto his belly. I don't care how he looks, but that feature added onto the attitude of "you should just spread them for me" really makes him unpleasant to be around. Kinda makes me feel like he is a pig....... Guys, if you have any insight on how I could approach him with this, I would greatly appreciate it. He is very emotional and sensitive, but he is a great guy, he is handsome, I don't want to be too blunt or it will hurt his feelings and that is not my intention. Ok, I am done.......


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Hi there and welcome to the forum.

Speaking from a guy's perspective, I used to grab my wife's ass and her body parts and expected sex a lot because I am s HD guy.

But what I learned is that's wrong. So I now only pull in my wife with my hands in her back pockets for a nice kiss and hug, while giving her a good back massage.

I take care of myself from eating healthy and weight training. I don't drink or smoke or do drugs.

I randomly leave flowers with a cards and sweets to totally surprise my wifee and same with dinners before she gets home.

I try and treat her the same way I want to be treated back.

There is a lot of cuddling laying on the couch, under a blanket, but I don't push for sex.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Was he like this before you got married? What changed?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kforbes84 (Feb 27, 2013)

Honestly, I couldn't say what has changed, it seems like everything. When we moved closer to his family, it all changed. Much like Cuddlebug my hubs used to do sweet and nice things, when he would fold laundry I would find notes in my jean pockets when he would fold them. I would get random poems via text, but it all just stopped. He went from making love, to humping and grab ass. I am so greatful that he finds me attractive still, but I wish there was a more meaningful way he would show it. I don't wan to be his piece of ass, I want to be his wife now! I have tried getting him to walk with me, work out with me, just get active to get in shape for the sake of his health and he won't do it. It's like his focus is on drinking, humping and hanging with friends. I mean he is 34 years old and that should be slowing down by now. I want to have those long talks about life and about goals and about plans, but he just lays in bed and watches tv or checks his fb. Then he has these insecure moments where he will ask me all day if I love him, if I am happy with him, if I want him. Or if he doesn't get a text from me, he gets all moody, always thinks something is wrong or bothering me. I just want my sweet man back. I want the one that would rather hold me in his arms and kiss my forehead than hump my brains out!!


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

reading between the lines ....his weight gain is a problem for you. you mentioned it a couple of times. with that said its ok to be turned off by someone who is neglecting his appearence.

he used to do nice things for you.

this is a two way street if he always has to do nice things for you to be in the mood then it gets old. I know women like nice thoughfull things.....flowers compliments and such .But guy likes nice things also... stuff like their wife dressing up acting sexy etc.

are you satisfyed with the quality of your sex life dose he do it for you or do you not orgasm with him. 

comunicate comunicate comunicate.


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## lovemylife (Feb 13, 2012)

Agree with chillymorn about communication. 

Explain to him that women need to be mentally into sex. Tell him the things that you would like him to do with you, rather than to you.

You might also check out the book "5 languages of love." There is some great information in there and knowing each others love language can help a lot.

I also found the book "men made easy" by Kara Oh t have some good information in it. It focuses on you, but the techniques can have a major impact on him and his behavior. (those insecurities may lessen with some of these tools, as well as improve behavior)


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## kforbes84 (Feb 27, 2013)

Acutally, he is sexually satisfying for me, to the moon and back, he is a very good lover when it's love, not humping. And his health is an issue for him as well. His chloresterol and blood pressure are not where they should be. He is by no means fat, he just went from 200 lbs. at 6'8" to 250 in 8 mos. they have tested his thyroid and a mass of other things, he needs to get fit for his health. they have him on anti depressants b/c his weight gain has caused depression. This is a huge problem, for both of us. I have dated men who make my husband look small, so his size is perhaps not sexy, but it is by no means a deal breaker. And what you said, 
"this is a two way street if he always has to do nice things for you to be in the mood then it gets old. I know women like nice thoughfull things.....flowers compliments and such .But guy likes nice things also... stuff like their wife dressing up acting sexy etc."
But the sweetness that I miss from him was the sweetness that was given just because, not things to get me in the mood. I have no problems getting in the mood, when he is sweet, he doesn't even have to buy me things. I bought him $600 in UA hunting gear for his birthday, for mine, he forgot. But that night he remembered that he wanted to hump. It's all about sex with him....... THAT is my issue. I want to be wanted, not laid, I want to be given a hug without a regular grab to the tits. I want to get a compliment without it leading to sex. I do dress up for him, bi-weekly when we go out, but with 4 kids, we do nothing just us anymore, so sexy at McDonalds with the kids isn't all that awesome. I am just stuck here.


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## lovemylife (Feb 13, 2012)

Sounds like date nights would be helpful too.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Not saying this is you .... but some woman get stuck in the "princess" mode. You talk about all the sweet the things he used to do for you...what do you do for him special ("sex, clean house, cook etc... don't count). Romance is a two way street. Just saying, food for thought.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Sounds like my marriage, minus some other garbage.

He doesn't get it. He doesn't see the connection between his sweet actions toward you and your feeling toward him. because you like sex and have responded, he's become lazy.

I used to get the grab ass and groping, he thought of that as affection. He's not affectionate except when he wants sex. It has gotten much better once I was able to fully, in word he could both hear and understand, explain that I needed some things from him to feel love toward him.

You H needs to hear direct words from you about what he needs to do to be more affectionate, more sweetly loving, show you attention other than as a prelude to sex.

Go Here: Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice and print out the emotional needs check list, one for each of you. It will help you both understand and identify what is going on so you can work together to make it better.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

My marriage hasn't been a box of chocolates. It's been quite the struggle at times but overall, communication is key.

Been married 13+ years now.

If you were in good shape back then, it should be similar today. Both hubby and wifee.

He was 200 lbs and now is 250 lbs in only 8 months??? Something is definitely wrong and he's only 34??? If he weight trained, steroids.

Does he drink beer and eat pizza all day?

I couldn't gain more than 3 lbs in 1 full year eating 4200+ calories a day!!! Something is wrong here.

Tell him what your fantasies are and do them. Knock his socks off. If he still gropes you, etc., he only wants you, right? Not another women who would love to get attention.....

I do hold my wifee in my arms hugging her, massaging her back and she falls into me, and I finish off with a kiss on her forehead. Same with the couch. Cuddling for 1+ hours each day after work, she falls asleep on me quickly and wakes up refreshed and happy. Our cat wants in on the attention and sits on her, trying to get my wife to leave.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

kforbes84 said:


> Honestly, I couldn't say what has changed, it seems like everything. When we moved closer to his family, it all changed. Much like Cuddlebug my hubs used to do sweet and nice things, when he would fold laundry I would find notes in my jean pockets when he would fold them. I would get random poems via text, but it all just stopped. He went from making love, to humping and grab ass. I am so greatful that he finds me attractive still, but I wish there was a more meaningful way he would show it. I don't wan to be his piece of ass, I want to be his wife now! I have tried getting him to walk with me, work out with me, just get active to get in shape for the sake of his health and he won't do it. It's like his focus is on drinking, humping and hanging with friends. I mean he is 34 years old and that should be slowing down by now. I want to have those long talks about life and about goals and about plans, but he just lays in bed and watches tv or checks his fb. Then he has these insecure moments where he will ask me all day if I love him, if I am happy with him, if I want him. Or if he doesn't get a text from me, he gets all moody, always thinks something is wrong or bothering me. I just want my sweet man back. I want the one that would rather hold me in his arms and kiss my forehead than hump my brains out!!


Wooooohhh please please....I am 67 and as yet have NOT slowed down....You are waaaaaay off base there......I am still a last night and again this morning kind of guy, so if you were counting on your mans sex drive dropping off the radar in his mid 30's you may wind up deeply dissapointed.......

I like to hold my wife in my arms, snuggle for hours, and then hump her brains out.....actually if you could hump someones brains out, she would be the mental equal of a raggedy ann doll by now, and I can assure you she is still one pretty sharp cookie.....And I know LOTS of gals that would love to be treated like someons HOT PIECE OF A$$ once in a while....

We were both HD and humped like bunnies for the first 25 years.....Probably averaged daily........

Now that the BS is over, I would like to make a suggestion....Get the book "The 5 love languages" and read it with your husband....My guess is both of you are failing to get your emotional needs met, and it is dragging your marriage down....

This book can make a BIG difference in a week or less.....It has helped us a LOT.....Last night I gave her an hour long no strings massage......From her feet to her neck and back....I dont think I missed a single sq inch, but with no sexual context other than goosebumps on her part....

A man can only get into that type of intimacy when he knows his physical and emotional needs will be taken care of in good time.... The book is less than 10 bucks on ebay......Good luck.....


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

The book His Needs Her Needs addresses this very issue. Affection is imperative for a woman, while sexual fulfillment is for a man (generally speaking of course). When a woman isn't getting affection, she isn't likely to feel much like fulfilling his need for sex.

Anyway, it's a great book and really worth working on with your spouse.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

kforbes84 said:


> Acutally, he is sexually satisfying for me, to the moon and back, he is a very good lover when it's love, not humping. And his health is an issue for him as well. His chloresterol and blood pressure are not where they should be. He is by no means fat, he just went from 200 lbs. at 6'8" to 250 in 8 mos. they have tested his thyroid and a mass of other things, he needs to get fit for his health. they have him on anti depressants b/c his weight gain has caused depression. This is a huge problem, for both of us. I have dated men who make my husband look small, so his size is perhaps not sexy, but it is by no means a deal breaker. And what you said,
> "this is a two way street if he always has to do nice things for you to be in the mood then it gets old. I know women like nice thoughfull things.....flowers compliments and such .But guy likes nice things also... stuff like their wife dressing up acting sexy etc."
> But the sweetness that I miss from him was the sweetness that was given just because, not things to get me in the mood. I have no problems getting in the mood, when he is sweet, he doesn't even have to buy me things. I bought him $600 in UA hunting gear for his birthday, for mine, he forgot. But that night he remembered that he wanted to hump. It's all about sex with him....... THAT is my issue. I want to be wanted, not laid, I want to be given a hug without a regular grab to the tits. I want to get a compliment without it leading to sex. I do dress up for him, bi-weekly when we go out, but with 4 kids, we do nothing just us anymore, so sexy at McDonalds with the kids isn't all that awesome. I am just stuck here.


so you got him something nice for his birthday and he forgot yours . Hmmm that sux. could be a great starting point. theres an example with out a doubt of whats on his priority list.


do you work?

I have pulled the no gift on purpuse. all the money I earn is ear marked for family. things are tight. comming up with cool thoughtfull cheap things just comes off as cheap! so one year i decided to not buy her any thing for our anniversiery. basicaly I was PO'ed that she didn't seem to want sex very much and after comunicating to her numerous time I thought I would send a clear loud message that it wasn't acceptable. when she gave me an inexpensive gift(thoughtfull) I said when you start desiring me sexually then I start caring about being thoughtfull.......now everybody is wondering if it worked. lol


yes for awhile but it eventually slowly dwindeled back to status quoe.

oh for the record I informed her that because I felt slighted in the sex dept that I didn't think we should exchance gifts that year and she said ok but still bought me one. I told her I didn't feel like buying her a gift because I felt more like her brother than her husband.
not one of my best ideas!!!!!!!!! but I was trying to comunicate with actions rather than words because words just weren't working. and I felt like an a$$ for going throught with it.

eventually when and if your sex drive kicks into overdrive which happens when women hit around 40-45 (don't hold me to this I know many women already have high drives and some never peek) you will know what its like to walk around horney all damn day ....hpoefully he will still have the tests levels to keep up with you. if not then you will feel frustrated. like many young health men do. 

I just don't understand why women don't think its important....I hear things like we have sex 1-2 times a week isn't that enough. After hearing such comments us guys are like whats up with that if they enjoyed sex with me why wouldn't they want it more often.

I hear I get resentfull if we have it too often ....well we get resentfull working our whole life and providing for a wife and family if our needs arn't being met. it a vicious circle.

both need to come to understand how it works. and its different with each and every couple.


sorry I guess I rambled on long enough.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Ugh, he sounds like a combination of my first two husbands! 

My one husband used to come onto me by grabbing my boobs and my crotch, and poking me in the back with his hard on. Seriously, WTF?? Also, when he wanted sex was the only time he would even touch me in bed. I told him REPEATEDLY that THIS was not the way to get me turned on, and that I didnt like it.I explained that I need affection outside of sex, and even told him exactly what WOULD turn me on. He never listened, he continued doing this KNOWING that I hated it, and then he had the nerve to complain that I never wanted sex! :crazy: 

You need to come up with a way to let him know that this is disrespectful to you, and that you are going to end up never wanting to have sex if it continues, without making it sound like you are using sex as some kind of weapon. I never could understand why my ex refused to do something I liked. So many men complain that their wives dont communicate to them what they want when it comes to sex...I specifically let him know what does it for me, and he blatantly ignored it. I hope that your husband does not do the same. Hell, show him my post! Maybe he would be agreeable to some MC to try and improve things.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

kforbes84 said:


> Acutally, he is sexually satisfying for me, to the moon and back, he is a very good lover when it's love, not humping. And his health is an issue for him as well. His chloresterol and blood pressure are not where they should be. He is by no means fat, he just went from 200 lbs. at 6'8" to 250 in 8 mos. they have tested his thyroid and a mass of other things, he needs to get fit for his health. they have him on anti depressants b/c his weight gain has caused depression. This is a huge problem, for both of us. I have dated men who make my husband look small, so his size is perhaps not sexy, but it is by no means a deal breaker. And what you said,
> "this is a two way street if he always has to do nice things for you to be in the mood then it gets old. I know women like nice thoughfull things.....flowers compliments and such .But guy likes nice things also... stuff like their wife dressing up acting sexy etc."
> But the sweetness that I miss from him was the sweetness that was given just because, not things to get me in the mood. I have no problems getting in the mood, when he is sweet, he doesn't even have to buy me things. I bought him $600 in UA hunting gear for his birthday, for mine, he forgot. But that night he remembered that he wanted to hump. It's all about sex with him....... THAT is my issue. *I want to be wanted, not laid, I want to be given a hug without a regular grab to the tits. I want to get a compliment without it leading to sex*. I do dress up for him, bi-weekly when we go out, but with 4 kids, we do nothing just us anymore, so sexy at McDonalds with the kids isn't all that awesome. I am just stuck here.


I am so sorry to hear about your problems. You are quite rightfully deserve to be appreciated as a person, not just as a sex machine.

I think communications is the key, as you need to express all these things you wrote above to your husband. There are good books out there, and I think our distinguished TAM Forum members are more informed about this. You will get book reading advice soon from them.

I sure hope he will understand the errors of his ways and make amends. I pray for your success.


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## kforbes84 (Feb 27, 2013)

I am so appreciative for all the input that you all have offered. It gives me a lot to think about and a book collection that I need to start. 
I do co sided us lucky. B/c we both work full time jobs, own our own seasonal business and we run our own cattle. So we are busy, but we still make time for each other and I just maybe get too caught up in what's wrong that I fail to pay attention to what's right. I will be finding a way to communicate to my hubs what I need from him at which point I will also find out what more he needs from me. I get that this is a two way street and I have to claim my short comings as well. Again, everyone thank you for your time you gave to offer some insight. I really do appreciate it!!
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