# ADD, porn, gaming, lazy,...and no sex, 0 passion



## Ethinie (Jul 2, 2011)

My husband and I have been together 3 years. A little background before I get to my sex question...

My husband has ADD, addicted to gaming, watches porn (don't think he's addicted), and has gone from 170lbs to 235 in 2 years.

I can see how this would contribute to a his lack-of-desire for sex.

We've gone gone from (at one time) multiple times a day, to once a week, a month, maybe twice a month, now it is at the point where it is months between. We rarely sleep together.

About sleeping together, I used to ask him to if he'd be okay sleeping on the couch (heavy snoring) as I had to get to class early, so he would. I didn't know this also offended him. He later told me it did so I learned to deal with his snoring or go to couch myself. He still barely sleeps with me at night, either because he doesn't want to wake me after gaming till 6 in the am. He's mad at me. Or plain doesn't feel like it. He sleeps with our dog more then me.

I've explained to him this hurts me, just like it hurt him when I used to "kick him out" (politely ask him) onto the couch. But he just gives me varying excuses for not doing so.

Or sex life is okay sometimes good. I love foreplay, trying new things, passion, general love-making. He's fine if I just play with him, he rubs my boobs, pats me down there and tell's me I'm pretty...without going into detail. I rarely orgasm anymore. It's enjoyable but ho-hum. I try to express or show what I like on him in the past but he said he doesn't want all that (though I tried to explain I do). 

I also tried telling him what I want, not demanding or whining, just telling him my needs, desires, fantasies and I'd try to ask him what his were...to see if he'd open up. But he's senstive and doesn't like talking about sex. So I have to leave with how it is and be happy or I have to hear about how, "he doesn't feel good enough, I'm never happy, or he doesn't like going down"...okay he doesn't like going down.

1. fine there's other things you can do to turn a woman on.
2. Even if one doesn't like to do something, it's still nice to do that for the other person (me) if they(I) like it. (just my opinion)
3. Foreplay is not just going down on someone.

He used to say, I don't go down because you don't...well how would you like going down on someone who showed no enthusiasm whats-so-ever (other then being hard) and basically took a nap. My ex would like back and close his eye, put his hands behind his head...but would still moan, look at me, get involved in some way. My husband sadly just lies there. So no, I don't go down on him often now...though I did after said that but then stopped when things weren't improving on my end (like he implied they would). 

I can count on my hand the amount of times we've had passionate love making sex. (not all in the same year either).

I've tried suggesting toys, doing the things his porno women do. But he says's he doesn't think I wife should be like that in that way. Same with me wearing languray (forgot the spelling). 

Okay I thought if he doesn't need all these things I've been trying/suggesting then I will back off.

I've been backing off for a year now and nothing. He hasn't initiated sex in....I don't remember.

I have a toy and used to watch porn but I can't orgasm from that so it only gets me excited and does nothing for me in the end but torment me.


I know the problem is not just in the bedroom he doesn't have ED, yes he does have low sex drive (though he loves the porn BUT won't watch it with me, won't even be in the same room as me if there is a sex scene on TV).

With his ADD, porn, addicted gaming (WOW, and previously star wars games, heros and villians, and whatever else), and weight gain love-making, let alone just sex or a quickie doesn't seem to stant a chance.

I've started going to a therapist and we've talked about couples counseling, I've mentioned him seeing a therapist at least on his own as well....then maybe starting couples. But he hasn't come along yet...though he says he thinks it a good idea.

He is a good guy, tells me I'm beautiful everyday, a good wife... but we fight and he also tells me I nag, and mother him....even that I make his life miserable. 

I feel more like a roomate then a wife. He has cheated in a past relationship on his fiance. But never with me...he has guilt stricken since and won't even watch a movie or that involves cheating or has a scene of such in it.

I have scaled way back on my nagging and mothering. I don't really care anymore. He doesn't help around the house with squat..unless he takes his meds (in that case then he nags me). I can't ask him to do anything more then twice or its nagging. I know it's no that I've asked but how...and I do ask politely...at first. But I shouldn't have to wait a week or more...even a day for you to handle something. Then he talks about how the man is the head of the household...BS.

Also he's currently unemployed. But plans to start school in fall.


There I know this post is supposed to be about sex issues but though it good to put background and current info on here so you can see the whole deal, not just the bedroom issue. 

I want our passion back. My husband and lover back. 
:scratchhead:


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

He is a child. Leave him or stop doing everything for him. He will never grow up otherwise. And that's no guarantee. If he takes his meds when he brushes in the am he won't need a reminder. He is a grown-up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

He doesn't want you to mother him but he is as clip clop said acting like an irresponsible child.

I really would stop worrying about his over sensitivity to all of this stuff and lay it down. if he won't do some work and make a huge effort then I'd be moving on, and I'd give it a time frame. Don't waste you life.


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## Closer (Jul 15, 2011)

Don't waste your life on a man who's not open to change. There are a lot of other options for a wonderful woman like you.


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## MakinOurWay (Jul 12, 2011)

He is sliding away. Inertia, laziness, selfishness are changing the man you knew previously. You and he need to arrest this negative progression and aggressively institute rigid measures to support and develop positive behavior.
He needs to go to the gym. You need to sell his xBox. He needs to be in bed with you at Xpm every night. He needs to consistently eat right. He and you should go to therapy.
Openly talk to him about these non-negotiable steps... tell him he's going to slide away into oblivion as a lonely pathetic man while his wife, who currently loves him, pursues her bliss elsewhere.
Tell him he needs to grow a backbone and that he's ruining TWO lives.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

You make too many excuses for a man child.


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## Closer (Jul 15, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> You make too many excuses for a man child.



I guess she really loves him too deep. I applaud her for that but she must decide if staying with this guy will fulfill her needs.


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## borninapril (Jun 6, 2011)

Sleep issues can led to a lot of resentment from spouses when one feels that they aren't being listened to. My wife and I have gotten into several arguments because she feels that I need to go to sleep after her so that she can fall asleep because I snore for the first hour of my sleep cycle, but I have to be up a hour or more before her. So generally I go to sleep around 11 and have to be up at 5, while she goes to bed at 9:30 and doesn't have to be up until 6:30 (though she sometimes goes to bed later, which mean I have to got to bed even later and has taken to getting up earlier lately). yet when I get "grumpy" because I feel tired I'm the one at fault. 

Your husbands "issues" could be from the fact that he's not sleeping well and just taking it out in other ways. No one likes not sleeping in their own bed. So it could be something like this: He's not sleeping right, so he's eating more or drinking (pop, coffee) more to stay awake. Because of that he's put on more weight which makes him feel unattractive to you and it's also possible for the weight gain to have lowered his sex drive. Not having a job and feeling like he's "not pulling his own weight in the relationship" could also be the reason for his weight gain and lack of wanting sex.


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## Tourchwood (Feb 1, 2011)

I felt like wife is telling her story. 
Married almost same time and have kids
Since I was pretty young Mother was complaning about me not able to focus, day dreaming, bad memory, with age it got worse to even stopped going on street like normal kids and teenagers to play, I found it easy to play video games at home. 
I was the video game dude, when gather bought us first computer things got worse, playing online games was the big thing, 8 hours a day 7 days a week even in college, grades were very bad, dropping classes, not going out etc. 
I was like something wrong with me, even when I decided to study hard things didnt work well, i cant remeber or understand things very long to make it to the exam. 
decided to visit doctor, and found that I have ADD. put on several meds last one was Adderall, which caused a Anxiety then he added lexapro, which caused anixiety to go a way and went from 185Lb to 210. im still at 210.
got married wife had it from me playing games, therefore I stopped, I play once a year specially after having kids.
GPA went from 1.9 to 3.0 then to 3.6 in grad school, currently working on PhD. 
I still suffere from laziness, i worked two jobs and went to school full time also, this year was first year i only have one full time job and one full time school. I still suffer from laziness in my days off, dont like to do anything specially going out or anything related to house stuff. 
wife always complain about my weight 210LB 5'10", I feel tired to go to the gym after working on the yard. 
I watch porn once or mostly twice a week and have physical with wife once a week only. wife not liking that, I tried to improve myself but I fail, I cant explain what I have, why I'm like that. 
I don't feel motivated. 
and I think working in computer didnt help, setting all the time. I want some physical work but no jobs these days pay well for physical workers. 
some people told me, BODY IN MOTION STAY IN MOTION, BODY IN REST STAY IN RESET.
I wont to move and i want to do stuff but I fight myself to do so. ADD med helped a lot, without them i would stay a sleep all day. 

I used to workout 6 days a week at the gym before got married, after getting married then having kids lucky if I go now once a month. 
I feel my wife I swear but I just cant help it, I cant help myself. I wish i have the energy.


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