# First time here - scared and sad



## Holding hope (Jan 7, 2013)

My husband told me two days ago that he is finally done with our marriage. I'm new here - and this is all really raw - so please bear with me. 

The short version: Relationship was always good enough to keep going, but also full of fighting and problems. Things finally came around recently, but he says it was "too late" and that his feelings for me had permanently shifted. I'm devastated, scared, and unsure where to go from here. 

The looooong version: We've been together 10 years, married for five, and struggling to make it work pretty much all along. When we got together, we were "young and dumb" and grew up a lot together, but often at each other's expense. Our relationship has NEVER been easy, it was never good enough that if it didn't change, that would be ok. We've been going to couples therapy for 4 years. I feel confident that there isn't another woman and there's no one else on my end either. 

For a while, I had been the one to shut him out and withdraw. I was feeling like maybe I was through with the marriage. We went on a trip in August and for the first time in years, I remembered why I had loved him, and I actually felt like I wanted to be closer to him. But he told me all of the hurt and damage that was done over the course of our marriage slowly killed him. That the part of him that loves me romantically had died and just can't come back. He moved out, but we kept trying to make it work with the hopes that his feelings could change, especially since mine had. 

Things in our relationship actually did change and we were getting along better than ever. We finally felt accepted, understood, respected... Our sex life, which had been absent for years, finally came back. We started to enjoy each other's company again and remembered why we have been best friends for a decade. It felt like we finally had the kind of relationship that could last. 

But he said that the one thing that never changed were those feelings. That it kills him, but he just doesn't love me that way and doesn't believe he ever can. He is (almost) as devastated as I am about this. Even though we've been up and down a lot, this feels different and final. I don't think he's going to come back. 

I don't know where to go from here. I'm heartbroken beyond belief. I don't hate him, I'm not angry with him - and vice versa. He has been more kind and loving in the past few months than ever before, actually. We both want to remain friends, but aren't sure if that's realistic. I don't want to let go of him. I don't want to go through this. I so badly wanted a life with him and I don't know how to look forward to one without him.

My mind is racing and I already am thinking about our divorce proceedings. I want to keep things as amicable as possible - we have spent too much of our lives fighting with each other already. But he makes 4x as much money as I do. Our mortgage is as much as my income. We are lucky to live a very comfortable life, and mostly on his income alone. I don't know how this stuff works, but I feel very strongly that I want to keep our house, but I can't do that without a lot of help from him...and I'm not sure how he'll feel about that. I don't know what the next steps are or how this stuff works - or how to keep our divorce from becoming messy. 

Most of all, though, I think I'm just scared that I'm going to be sad for so much longer. I've already spent so much of my life being unhappy, constantly hoping and waiting for things to get better. When things improved between us, I was hopeful that maybe the chapter of my life when I'm unhappy so often would finally end, and I could move on to the part of my life where I could be happy. I have to believe I will get there eventually... I just wish that it was here now. I'm tired of being tired and sad. And I miss my best friend and partner, and I just wish he could have found his way back to me 

Thanks for making it through that, and for any feedback you have.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

HH, welcome to the forums. sorry for the circumstances that bring you here. please look around and see that you are not in dissimilar company.

You mention spending a great deal of time waiting to be happy. In these opening days when everything is uncertain it's important to not add fuel to the fire and to begin to do some self evaluation. Are you in therapy?


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## Holding hope (Jan 7, 2013)

Thanks for your response. Yes, I've been in individual therapy since last spring, and feel grateful that I've found a wonderful therapist. It's a huge help. We're still planning to continue couples counseling too, for support through this last part. 

I was just hoping that this would finally be the year that I could leave the past behind and feel happy and fulfilled. My friends and family tell me I will get through it, and I have to believe I will - I just wish that I was there now instead of here. I wanted to be at the end of a painful journey instead of at the beginning of a new one.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

well, it's not going to be a bed of roses. there are plenty of threads about how to cope with it if you search the threads here.

my best advice is to give your stb... whatever room he needs to burn through the fuel and see what's on the other side for both of you. it's good you're still going to couple's therapy as it will give you both a scheduled forum to have some of the discussions that you will have to have no matter what. the waiting and the indecision is often a big part of the anxiety here.


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## COfan (Oct 4, 2012)

Hi Holding,
Wow, I applaud you and your husband for going the extra mile in your attempts to save your marriage. I've not read any other posts where so much work was done on both spouses' part and still to no avail. And the fact that you two are still so kind to each other! But, on the other hand, I know your heart is hurting. I'm sorry. I hope you surround yourself with family and friends to support you during this difficult time. When you are ready, you may want to read this book; _When I Do Becomes I Don't_ by Laura Petherbridge. Hugs and I'm praying for you, HH.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

Children? I am going through about the same time frame, together for 10 years, married for 7. I'm dealing with an impending divorce that I can't stop either, with a 5 and a 3 year old


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Sorry you are going through this. I, too, applaud all the work you and your husband have put into trying to make it work.

About the house, whose name is it in? As he makes more than you, I assume its either in his or in both of yours. In either case, he has equity tied up in it. Is he going to be willing to let that sit? Or to pay a large portion of the mortgage and bills so that you can stay there. I don’t know your husband, but, unless he is very wealthy and a heck of a nice guy, this seems beyond reasonable.

Think about a place of your own where you can start fresh without all the memories that are in the house.

Take care.


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## Holding hope (Jan 7, 2013)

Thanks for the responses. Yes, we certainly tried. I think that's part of what makes it so heartbreaking. How can it be that two people who love each other so much and who have tried so hard and for so long, can't make it work in the end? We are both better people, and spouses, than when we met. It just feels like all that hard work and misery was for nothing - we didn't get our happy ending together and now his next wife will get the husband that I waited for, suffered for, loved, helped to make, and wanted for all those years. I know we tried - it's just so hard to accept that we still failed 

Fortunately, no, there are no children involved so that makes things a lot simpler. I can't imagine how difficult that would be. How are you managing to take care of yourself and two young kids at the same time? We do have two dogs, and sometimes I find myself lacking the motivation to even want to take them outside. We have talked about the dogs and agreed to share "custody" - We will each take them for 1-2 months at a time. I'm happy about this decision since I think it's what's best for the dogs (they get to stay together and don't have to lose either of us) and also what's best for each of us (we don't have to lose the dogs, but don't have to be fully responsible for both of them, indefinitely). I can only hope the rest of the decisions will go so smoothly! (Unlikely) 

The house is in both our names, we bought it together. I would need a lot of help from him, financially, to be able to stay. He does make a lot of money and we have significant shared assets and only some small student loans in debts, so I am hoping maybe I can leave with the majority of our assets since be has so much more earning power than I do. Even so, as much as I want to be able to stay in my home, I also don't want to blow through all the money and be broke and unable to afford my home in a few years. I do like the idea of starting over in a place of my own, but I am currently having a hard time seeing how I can afford what I want, where I want (we live in a very pricey area and I figure my income would just barely cover my monthly expenses, not including rent/mortgage payments). It depresses me to think of living in a dumpy studio apt in a not so nice area while he goes on living in our beautiful home in an amazing neighborhood. It just feels like I will be losing so much more than him - my husband, my best friend, my home, my sense of security, my lifestyle, etc. He will lose me, but not the other things, and it was his choice to leave, not mine. 

How soon after decided on divorce do people usually start moving forward with all the proceedings? He told me not to worry about it for now and that we should both just focus on taking care of ourselves for the time being. I don't want to be making big decisions while I'm still so emotional, but at the same time, its making me anxious not to know what's going to happen. He has reassured me that its important to him that I am going to be ok in the future and said he is very willing to help me financially. I know its a luxury that he is being so generous to me. I want things to stay on good terms between us, but I also have to look out for my future, so I feel a little torn about when and how to start this process. 

Also, we have talked with each other and our couples therapist, who we are still seeing for support through this last part, about letting go more slowly. The idea of him just all of a sudden being completely gone from my life feels traumatic and he agreed. So we are still talking on the phone a couple times a week and still hold each other and comfort one another when we see each other. It's really helpful to be able to talk to him - he is still the same man who has been my best friend for my entire adult life and he's the only person to understands what I'm going through. Also, he is having a really hard time right now and doesnt have the kind of social support that i do. i still love and care about him, and want him to be ok too. He says talking to me has been the most helpful thing for him. So we still tell each other "I love you", call each other pet names, and hold hands. We also agreed not to become involved with anyone else yet - neither of us feels ready and neither of us is ready for the other to either. i dont feel ready to let go of those things just yet. We have even talked about spending the night together a few more times, since it brings us both comfort and is hard to think about having spent our last night together. I guess i think we are fortunate to be in a position to help each other through this. I think the idea is to let go of these things more slowly so that with time, they dont feel so difficult to let go of. Our therapist has said that these things are all ok as long as it doesn't give false hope or lead to resentment, which so far it hasn't at all. It's more just that these things feel natural and normal, and they're hard to let to of overnight. I guess I just worry (its just what I do) that its going to make it harder to let go and move on. But at the same time, just a week later, I already feel so much better about this. I've accepted that its happening and feel hopeful that I will feel more fulfilled in my new life - I have been ready for quite some time to leave the chapter of my life where we fight and are miserable behind me. I was just hoping the next chapter would look different than this. And I can see how there are certain things about him that are just not going to change, and he shouldn't have to change such basic parts of himself to be with me. So I feel like I am letting go and looking forward, but I'm not quite ready to let go of him completely. For the past ten years of my life, when I am sad, the most comforting thing has been to crawl into bed and lay on his chest. And I am so sad right now, so is it a bad thing to hold on to my biggest comfort, at least until I am a little less sad? I just feel like this isn't the kind of divorce you hear about much so I feel a bit lost as to how to do this in a different way. 

We are both really hoping we can stay friends - it was really our friendship together that got us through all those years, but I feel like I don't hear stories of that happening very much either. Is it possible to stay good friends with your ex? How do you separate your feelings about him as a husband from your feelings about him as a friend? At some point, do we have to be totally absent from each others lives in order to come back in a different kind of role?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rickster (Jan 14, 2013)

Chin up, it'll be ok in the long run. Im not religious, but i believe i fate. We'll look back one day and be glad to have went through this.


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