# depressed wife



## EDCIJB (May 10, 2012)

My wife and I have been married for almost three years and have dated each other for three years prior. She suffers from depression and has been diagnosed with PTSD too. We also have a two year old child. The stress of having a child gets to her. She says that she feels trapped where we live and would like for me to quit my job and for us to move about three hundred miles away.I want to remain here where friends and family are. I also have a good job that I don't want to leave. She also wants another child saying at one time it is the only thing that can make her happy. She is stressed as it is so another child would just add to her stress. She went as far as having her birth control removed and did not tell me. I feel like she betrayed my trust in trying to have another baby without telling me. She mentions us having a seperation one day and then the next day will act like she doesn't. She said that if I would still let her see our child that she might just move letting me have custody. I have been vey distant towards her in the past few weeks. When I come home from work the house is usually a mess even though she has been home all day. I don't know how much longer I can put up with this. Just looking for any thoughts or opinions.


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## Orchidae (May 10, 2012)

Try to have a moment of closure with her. I have had periods of depression and the worst is when my fiance is acting distant, because I feel alone. Show her that you're there for her and your child, and that you're not going to abandon her. Talk to her and say you understand, but for the sake of both your happiness she should see a doctor.

She's saying she thinks of separation, maybe she realizes how depressed she is and is afraid that she may be making you miserable? I don't know, whenever I think of separation is because I'm desperate and sick of feeling pain. Try to find patterns when she says she wants out and try to observe the situation - is it something you said, or something she said, etc.

As for the feeling of being trapped inside, maybe you could take a few days off work and take her somewhere among nature? A few days under the sun will do wonders for her depression.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I would not move unless you had a secure job with the same pay your at now. 

I'd love to move on a farm with 20+ acres, but we just can't pack up and leave. The housing market is so bad that we would be losing a very large amount of money in equity. It would be selfish of me wanting to move without my husbands consent. Therefor, I'm thankful we have a nice house on 4 acres with our mini farm.

Personally, I don't think it's smart to just pack up and leave. Especially if your content where your at now. It doesn't make any logical sense to. If your wife feels trapped, tell her she's freely to do what she needs to do in the current house to make her untapped. Moving is not going to solve her issues anyways. It sounds like she needs a good therapist to talk to.

I'd put the baby on hold until your wife is more stable. I'd also be making sure she's a good mother before bringing more children into your world. My children have never made me stressed at the young ages. Parenting gets a lot tougher during the teenage years. It takes a lot of patients to raise children. My oldest daughter is joining the service this summer, she was not easy to raise and we had to watch her every move. Some mothers are good, while others suck at it. A neighbor of mine would rather have her freedom then be a mother. All 3 of her kids went to their fathers home when they divorced. She, too, suffers from depression and makes very poor choices.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I have depression with ptsd and I wouldn't wish me (the old unhealthy me) on anyone. I'm better now but it took YEARS of therapy and hard work. And even still I struggle. There are limits to what I can handle on any given day.

Don't move, don't have any more kids, don't do anything until SHE seeks help for this condition. Its a horrible way to live yes but she will drag you down with you if you aren't careful.

Oh and wear a condom. The removing of birth control without your knowledge was wrong on so many levels. Unless you want another baby you need to protect yourself. She's already proven she isn't stable and will act on impulse.


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

She has got to be willing to get some help dealing with her depression. If she doesn't it will destroy her and your family. I know this from personal experience. My depression shattered my family and very nearly destroyed me. When you're in the middle of the depression you don't see how bad it really is. So it may well take an ultimatum on your part to get her moving to get some help. She's not being rational, either, by wanting another child.


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## EDCIJB (May 10, 2012)

Thanks for all of the comments.She has medicine to take for her depression. I will ask her if she is taking it, sometimes the answer is yes and othertimes the reason is she was too tired to take it. She also suffers from sleep apena. She has the CPAP mask but very rarely wears it. About every other year she is usually hospItalized for her depression. She is the only one that can make herself better.


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## maccheese (Jul 25, 2011)

I am very sorry to hear that your wife is going through this and commend you for your concern. I say this as a wife with depression. We have a two year old too and I realize that another child would probably not be good. Even though my husband is open to more kids, but my mood is just waayy to wishy washy. I want to pack up and leave too. Get away from everything. With her trapped comment..what does that mean? Trapped as she can't find anything to do?

Seems like her removing the BC was an irrational move. When your mood and thoughts are irrational from depression, so can your actions. I know its hard for your to work, provide for the family, be concerned about the condition of your home, and the condition of your wife. I can only say hang in there. Do what you can to make your happy, but love your wife. Not having another child would be a move of love, even if your wife doesn't see it right away. 

My husband and I have been married for four years and knew each other 6 years prior. I commend him for hanging in there. I know he has had to take the lead role in a lot of things including the decision making, but I've kinda realized that's what's needed until I feel better. I've also gotten back into school and work part time which helps. The baby is in a great daycare so that "stress" I don't have to handle all the time. Does your wife have any outside interest that can help her refocus? I've been a SAHM and when you're at home all day with depression, it can get real easy to focus on the wrong things. 



EDCIJB said:


> My wife and I have been married for almost three years and have dated each other for three years prior. She suffers from depression and has been diagnosed with PTSD too. We also have a two year old child. The stress of having a child gets to her. She says that she feels trapped where we live and would like for me to quit my job and for us to move about three hundred miles away.I want to remain here where friends and family are. I also have a good job that I don't want to leave. She also wants another child saying at one time it is the only thing that can make her happy. She is stressed as it is so another child would just add to her stress. She went as far as having her birth control removed and did not tell me. I feel like she betrayed my trust in trying to have another baby without telling me. She mentions us having a seperation one day and then the next day will act like she doesn't. She said that if I would still let her see our child that she might just move letting me have custody. I have been vey distant towards her in the past few weeks. When I come home from work the house is usually a mess even though she has been home all day. I don't know how much longer I can put up with this. Just looking for any thoughts or opinions.


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## EDCIJB (May 10, 2012)

We have been to two counseling sessions. The counselors pretty much agreed with me. Until she wants to take care of herself the counseling probably won't work.Got thru Mother's Day. It is bad to say but even picking out a Mother's Day card was difficult since most cards are very complimentary. Just taking it day by day.


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## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

good luck, tough being husband of depressd wife. Al yyo u can do its try and if in time things havent changed - leave her


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## EDCIJB (May 10, 2012)

We went on a short vacation to the place she would like for us to move.She informed me while we were there that she had found a house in the area where we were on vacation for her and our son to stay several days during the week. I told her that I did not think that this was a good idea. We ended our trip early. I was hoping that maybe we might actually reconnect on this trip. She wants to be there for cultural things and new challenges.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

EDCIJB said:


> We went on a short vacation to the place she would like for us to move.She informed me while we were there that she had found a house in the area where we were on vacation for her and our son to stay several days during the week. I told her that I did not think that this was a good idea. We ended our trip early. I was hoping that maybe we might actually reconnect on this trip. She wants to be there for cultural things and new challenges.


Yikes, this is not good. 

Was she thinking that she'd move your son and her by herself if you don't go? She legally can not move your son out of state or too far from where your living now. 

Personally, I still would not go fourth and move. Your wife has a lot of issues to deal with. I don't know much about your wife's condition. I've never live with someone with depression, but my ex h has a diagnosed bipolar illness. I left after about 2 years, I couldn't deal with his anger and other issues.

Like I said before, moving will not solve her issues. Finding a job now is very difficult for many people. I'm thankful for the job my husband has! We'd never be able to move far until we retire. Until then we are stuck here. I'd still love to move on a farm with a lot of acreage and less neighbors, but that's not going to happen.


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## EDCIJB (May 10, 2012)

She would stay several days during the week and then come back to our home. Once again she said that I could quit my job and get one there. There is no way I am going to move there. Even if I were to lose my job one day, I would look close to home for a job. We are fortunate in that we do live in the country with lots of family and friends closeby. We are basically just living in the same house. There is not a whole lot of love going around. She is usually too tired to do much .


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## Roxx (May 26, 2012)

This is a slippery slope your wife has put you two on. If she wants to move to 'escape' her problems - it won't work. They will follow. My wife and I moved to Nashville about 3 years ago and things were better for us for about 6 months. Then it got worse than it ever was before. In moving, we no longer have friends/family nearby to enjoy or to help with the kids. Since kids (by their very nature) depend on her all of the time, she feels even more overwhelmed and has no family to help. So now she blames her family and thinks THEY have abandoned HER since they aren't around to help out anymore. 

My advice - move on with your life without her. Admittedly, that's easy to say vs. actually do (I know...I haven't found a way to do it yet). But if you are like me and can't find the strength to move on, let me offer some coping advice from my experiences:

1) Don't make ANY major life changes until she has gotten professional help and improved. The problems WILL follow... Make up reasons to avoid moving if you have too, but don't move - or split your time with your child. If you are like me, your wife is financially dependent on you and has no means to move without your approval anyway.
2) Don't accept blame for her issues - but don't dismiss them either. Make it clear to her that you've heard her but don't apologize or offer counter arguments. I just say "OK" and let her rant most of the time. When she corners me I just say "I don't agree/understand but I am listening to you." This will not work right away....in fact....may take a while before it doesn't make her MORE angry. She is likely projecting on you HER issues and wants you to feel badly too....when you don't....it makes her angry. 
3) Don't try to FIX her issues. You can't. If you could, you would have already by now and wouldn't be here. They are HER issues. You didn't cause them nor are responsible for her life. You can only offer to be who YOU are and she can either accept that or not.
4) Get counselling for yourself. It helps...trust me. Also - make sure she knows you are going so that she doesn't think you are asking her to do something you aren't willing to do yourself. 
5) Offer to go to marriage counselling from time to time but do NOT use the same therapist....she will only come to the sessions with her guard up. If she is the problem, ANY therapist will clearly see it anyway.
6) Go on dates alone with your wife. I try to take my wife out every couple of weeks. This seems to help her find 'fun' things to do in the area and also gets her mind off of the kids. It also helps us reconnect repairs some of the damage done in the moments when she is upset and yelling at me for her own things.

I know how hard all of this is and I sympathize with you. About 1.5 years ago, my wife and I spent 6 months separated when she cheated on me. Back then - I hadn't recognized her depression and anxiety issues. I always tried to fix her problems and when I couldn't I didn't take her issues seriously. As a result, she felt so alone that she sought acceptance elsewhere. Since then, have changed my approach with her and have been trying to get her into counselling. Knowing what I know now, I probably should have just let her go for good - but after 15 years marriage and 2 kids - it's not that easy. If she doesn't get help with her depression issues, I know our marriage won't last....it's just a matter of time. I'm maintaining my patience for the sake of our kids....for now. If you also choose to stay with your wife, you'll also need to find ways to be strong and come to peace with who you are as an individual.


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## EDCIJB (May 10, 2012)

I am not sure how to act when my wife says she is trapped here. Knowing that she thinks she maight be happier somewhere else is not easy. Since we got back from our short vacation she has not mentioned much about staying there for a few days during the week or moving there. She will tell me of plans that are several months down the road that we can do do as a family, things that we have enjoyed doing in the past. It keeps me confused. At times I feel like I should kiss or hug her but find myself pulling back. Ever since I found out about her having her birth control removed without telling me I really haven't even thought about having sex with her. We sleep in seperate bedrooms due to her sleep apena. She usually goes to bed very early since she is always tired.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Just the best you can for you, your child and your wife. You do not have an easy path ahead, no matter what you do.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

EDCIJB said:


> My wife ...suffers from depression and has been diagnosed with PTSD too.


Perhaps so, EDCIJB. But I suggest you be suspicious about the "PTSD" diagnosis. I say this because therapists generally are LOATH to tell anyone suffering from a personality disorder (PD) -- much less tell her spouse -- that she has a PD. This is especially true when the PD diagnosis is BPD or NPD and the patient is high functioning.

One reason is that the patient will almost certainly quit therapy immediately on hearing the dreaded news. Another reason is that, whereas PTSD, depression, and other Axis I disorders are covered by insurance -- PDs like BPD and NPD (i.e., "Axis II" disorders) almost always are NOT covered. Insurance companies usually refuse to cover them. A third reason is that, by giving the patient a new identity (e.g., as "The BPDer") can actually make her behavior become much worse.

I therefore agree with Roxx that you should see a clinical psychologist -- BY YOURSELF for a visit or two -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you are dealing with. Remember, her therapist is NOT YOUR FRIEND. Hence, relying on her _therapist's _advice during the marriage is as foolish as relying on her _attorney's_ advice during a divorce. It is important that you be advised by a psychologist who is ethically bound to protect your interests, not hers.

I am sensitive to this issue because, like you, I was told by psychologists that my exW had "depression" and "PTSD." After 15 years of taking her to weekly therapy with six different psychologists -- at a cost of over $200,000 -- I learned that she has all the classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) at a strong level.

Incidentally, at what age did she experience a severe trauma? I ask because, if it occurred in adolescence or later, PTSD is the expected result. If it occurred in early childhood, however, the likely result would be BPD. When occurring that early (especially before age five), a trauma interferes with the child's ability to develop an integrated, strong sense of who she is. It also interferes with her emotional development, bringing it to a screeching halt. 

This is why BPD is far, far more difficult to treat than PTSD. And this is why it is important to obtain a candid professional opinion on which of these two disorders she actually has -- by seeing your OWN psychologist for a visit or two. Another reason is that, whereas PTSD cannot be passed on genetically to your children, BPD may be.

I also suggest you read about BPD traits to see if most of them sound very familiar. Although you cannot make a diagnosis, you are fully capable of spotting the red flags associated with that disorder. There is nothing subtle about BPD traits such as lack of trust, verbal abuse, always being "The Victim," and cold withdrawal. For a brief overview of such traits, you may want to check out my description in Maybe's thread at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. If that description rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you and point you to good online resources. Take care, EDCIJB.


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## EDCIJB (May 10, 2012)

I will definitely check out that thread. I need all the help and advice that I can get.She experienced some sexual abuse as a teenager. She was told she had PTSD by the Veterans Administration. She was serving in the Middle East.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

EDCIJB said:


> She experienced some sexual abuse as a teenager. She was told she had PTSD by the Veterans Administration. She was serving in the Middle East.


EDCIJB, that is very encouraging news! Like I said, abuse that late in life does not interfere with the person's development of a self image and mature ego defenses. It nonetheless would be prudent to seek a professional opinion from your own psychologist.


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## manvsmonster (May 22, 2012)

I'm sorry you're dealing with that. Dealing with a depressed wife/husband is no fun at all. I can't imagine the stress you must be under just trying to care for the little one on top of it all. I too was abused and was in my 20's. I was abused by my fiance who hit me, verbally and emotionally abused me, and then lead to sexually abusing me. I managed to gain enough strength to leave him. But it does take a toll on someone. If this is an issue that she has never truly dealt with, then it's going to come back to deal with her at some point.

However, she can't believe that she can "move away" from her past by running 300 miles away. People don't heal that way. She first needs to begin to deal with her abuser (even if they aren't around) by (gulp) yes, forgiving them. Someone who has been abused can NEVER forget what was done, but they have to start by forgiving as hard as it is. That was what my counselor dealt with me on. I couldn't do until I was good and ready but I did end up doing it. 

It sounds like she is relying on you to heal her and you just can't. That's not your role. You can be a support but you don't have to bear the brunt of it; it's not fair to you or your child. And your counselor is right. Your wife has to "want" to be helped. And if not, then it isn't fair to you or your child to remain in the situation.


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