# Two months later



## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

Its been about two months since relationship partner (male / female relationship for 15 years, older child from relationship) was caught in what she claims was "friendship" EA only. I continue to move back and forth between wanting more details, telling her I know she isn't giving me the whole story etc. and just letting it all go. I feel really strong, but I wonder if I haven't made a mistake. Since EA came out, I have been very intimate with her often telling her I love her which I rarely if ever did before. I gave her the best Christmas ever with stylish clothes etc. She has also said she loves me and we have been very close lately. We immediately got into couples counseling, so some of that is working. When I obsess, it is about her, and the fact that while she appears willing to work on this, am I rewarding her behavior by making myself vulnerable to her and giving her gifts, intimacy etc. and letting her know that I love her? He EA was with a co worker, and she is still employed there. Please- save the comments about her needing to quit the job- that is in the works and the way I see it, if she wants an affair she will find it wherever she works- part of the letting go process for me is refusing to monitor her- I need to work on me!. Anyway thoughts welcome.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ask her every question that is on your mind.
Ignoring this and turning your cheek the other way and pretending like it didn't happen isn't going to help the situation.
She betrayed you so she owes you some answers.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

I doubt very much that she wants an affair - no one really plans these things, but that having been said, these things can escalate very quickly. If she's planning on quitting, that's great. Sounds like you two have nipped it quick - MC is a great idea too. You're on the right path, by the looks of things, wouldn't you say? I think you are doing everything right, including making sure she KNOWS you love her!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My thoughts... If you weren't addressing her emotional needs before her affair, you're doing well to start now. I'm referring primarily to your comment about rarely telling her you love her. If she hadn't dropped the affair, it would be fine to keep your distance. But you don't mention that being an issue.

People in a healthy relationship are less vulnerable to the attention of someone else. A spouse who doesn't hear or feel they're loved will soak up the attention of someone else. It's still their decision to cheat, so I'm not blaming you. But both you and your wife need to make changes in your marriage to fix the issues. And it sounds like you're doing that.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

Thanks CandieGirl- I've discussed the entire situation ad nauseum (sp?) with family members, and yes I nipped it quick. Still grinds me as to whether it was in reality a PA, but she insists no. Right now I just keep telling myself "let her go" - not in a way that is out of revenge, but just an acknowledgment that she was so dissatisfied with our relationship that she took it upon herself to lie about whereabouts etc. and share intimately with another man- I need to let her make her own life decisions- the way I look at it, if I become more intimate and loving , regardless of what she does I will be a better person. I can let it all go in that capacity.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

> He EA was with a co worker, and she is still employed there.


She leaves her job, the affair never ends while she continues to see and work with him. You are rewarding her for her affair, sure you step up your game and change your behaviours but at the same time she shows remorse and actively works to secure you and your marriage. 

Reading what you posted you are preparing her for the next affair, she cheats = you reward her = she cheats more. 

Did she send him a no contact letter, do his family know of the affair?


Please read the following :

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html


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## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

Thanks P Bear- I'm new to this forum- had tried one other and only got a bunch of questions about my relationship and family situation and a bunch of judgments!! Your concise comment is appreciated!


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## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> She leaves her job, the affair never ends while she continues to see and work with him. You are rewarding her for her affair, sure you step up your game and change your behaviours but at the same time she shows remorse and actively works to secure you and your marriage.
> 
> Reading what you posted you are preparing her for the next affair, she cheats = you reward her = she cheats more.
> 
> ...


No contact as in a legal no contact or through her employer? I wasn't aware of such a thing through an employer but am opened to being enlightened


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

The no contact letter is a hand written note from her to him, this is for you as well as her to evidence that she wants to remain with you and work on the marriage. You approve the letter and post it to him 

The thread link I posted tells you more and has a template.


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## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> She leaves her job, the affair never ends while she continues to see and work with him. You are rewarding her for her affair, sure you step up your game and change your behaviours but at the same time she shows remorse and actively works to secure you and your marriage.
> 
> Reading what you posted you are preparing her for the next affair, she cheats = you reward her = she cheats more.
> 
> ...


Eli- exactly my struggle- as you can see , each reply considers my dilemma - two say I'm doing good or great- yours verifies my internal concerns. For all I know she could be contacting "friend" at work over lunch, breaks, after work etc. But then I go back to the letting go part - I can't spend my life tracking down my spouse- I believe I'll get my answers sooner or later about that.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

> For all I know she could be contacting "friend" at work over lunch, breaks, after work


Most times this is correct, often a wayward spouse takes the affair underground and the only way your marriage has a chance to recover is for her to leave that job.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

It hasn't been very long since d-day, so the monitoring of your wife is very important right now. Quiting the affair the first few months is very hard for the DS, even when they want to quit the affair and keep their marriage. 

My H (the DS) told me how tempted he was on several occasions to contact the OW, just to see if she was okay. "Closure" is a big theme amoung waywards. It's all to make themselves feel better and get a dose of the AP one more time, it suits no real purpose. The OW tried to contact my H three times within the first few months. He told me about each one. He thought about dropping a note on her desk (he didn't) but told me about the errant thought. He was surprised at how hard it was to have NC, even when he didn't want the affair. It was hard to quit having months of ego stroke and attention.

It's almost a year since d-day for me and I'm not monitoring my H like I used to those first few months. He's rebuilt some trust with his transparency into his personal and work email accounts plus his phone. Don't hesitate to monitor your partner, because now is when she's most likely to slip back into old patterns of bad behavior. Once trust has started to rebuild and you feel she's being totally honest and transparent, then you can pull back on the monitoring.

While my H was still working at the same company with the OW, I had full access to his work email. I couldn't see his IM, but he told me about the two times she tried to contact him that way (third time was interoffice phone). He even cut and paste the message so I could read it myself. Leaving the job where the affair happened is a huge help in getting past the affair. My H agrees that it helped put the affair further behind him and move forward without daily reminders of his bad choices. It helps me to know the OW can no longer walk up to my H's desk, use the work phone to call, leave a note on his car, bump into him in the hall, or IM him. Sure, it could happen again at another job, but at least now my H is more self aware. He has stronger boundaries when forming new work relationships. He keeps it professional, no personal life talk with other woman. The problem with staying at the old job was those boundaries had been crossed and it's hard to set a new status quo. Not to mention the OW kept trying to engage with him again, in some strange attempt to "remain friends".

Good luck and keep asking your wife your questions. If you still have doubts about the EA not being PA too, it's a valid concern. My H tried to tell me it was only an EA at first too, turns out it was PA. They had taken two different afternoons off from work to get a hotel room. The work place can make affairs easy to go physical. So don't feel bad for doubting your wife's honesty, she hasn't shown you she can be trustworthy, so you have reason to doubt her truthfulness.


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