# Childhood friend that I no longer want in my life-Advice please



## Azure (Oct 8, 2012)

Ladies, I know this isn't about a man lol, but its a relationship that I have had difficulty with for a loooong time. (I noticed my posts are always long, I'll TRY to keep this condensed but can't promise haha)

I've known this friend since I was in the 5th grade! She is 3 years older, and we were VERY close as teens. My mom never liked her, and said she always got a bad vibe from her, but we remained friends. She has always called me her "best friend" and gets extremely jealous when others call me that too. Has always been very possessive of me.

The first time I cut her off was 3 years ago. I was getting to know a guy at that time. I saw him in the parking lot, and I was on the phone with her, so I asked her if I could call her later. She sent me an email some time later saying:

"Why the hell do you not answer my phone calls? You have time for boys like "O" and the damn "insert ethnicity" guy but you seem to not have time for your best friend to just say hi. What a true friend you are!"

I replied with "wtf", followed by, "I was working/studying all day yesterday" She answers with "first of all, dont curse at me! in fact, im very chill...second of all, no Azure , you always make an excuse and this time im not letting it go"

I replied telling her all the things I am busy with followed by " I cannot devote myself to anyone. If you cant understand that and be considerate then Im sorry."

Anyway, I cut her out for three months, and then somehow we resumed our friendship. She knew I was upset, and she knew why. 

Okay so most recently, I had a picture of myself and a friend as my profile pic on FB, and she expressed her jealousy! Then, after I separated from my STBXH my car broke down. She kept calling asking me when we can hang out, and I would tell her I'm sorry I have no transportation. She lives 15 minutes away from me, but has always (since she started driving, and I still couldnt drive) complained about how it costs her gas $$ to come see me (blows my mind really, I hate cheap people, esp when you're cheap with the people you claim to love) She started texting me DAILY asking "When are you gonna get a car?" Which ticked me offfff. 

Anyway she finally came to see me on a weekend when I had the flu, bringing soup with her. She asked me for something, I said I'll go grab it, and she insists on coming inside with me! and I equally resist and ask her to stay in the living room. Then she went to use the bathroom, which was clean but not spotless, comes out and says "why don't you clean around here Azure?" REALLY! ARE YOU F*CKING KIDDING ME! GET THE F*CK OUT OF MY HOME!
I should have said something but just said "well clearly I am sick, can't be cleaning now can I"

The STRAW that broke the camels back was when I posted a status on FB saying how I was floored by some friends' generosity and kindness and how grateful I am for what they did.

She calls to chit chat, then says "So who's this friend you posted about? Has someone been coming to see you everyday?" I sensed that it wasn't an innocent question, and it was laced with jealousy, so I was like no, its really none of your concern. She's like "It was a guy wasn't it!" WOW, at this point I simply said, No, I'm still married! and a few other things. She's like well I just called to check up on you and you're being weird so bye!

So, I've decided that I cannot deal with her anymore. I am not even myself when around her and don't share exciting things in my life with her because I never sense that she's happy for me so I simply don't tell her anything, and it's usually her that does the talking. I constantly sense her jealousy and it creeps me out. She's been around for so long, and we run in the same circles, so I really don't know how to cut her out! I'd like to email her explaining to her why I am not going to hang out with her anymore. If I don't, she will find a way back into my life. Is this a good idea? How should I go about it? HELP!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Not sure that emailing her is a good idea. She will not get anything you say and will just think you are being weird. 

Why not just stop answering her phone calls, txt and just be very busy?


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

It sounds like she has some serious mental health issues. If I were you I would inform her personally in person, preferably in a public place, about about your intention to sever the relationship, follow up with a notarized letter from an attorney, obtain in advance anti-stalking forms from the courthouse, and also let the local police know about the situation as an FYI. Then, watch your back for a while. If you're lucky she will try to call you or leave messages, you can go to the court and you can get a restraining order, if she persists she will be arrested. It sounds like this is really for the best. Because of the length of time you've known each other it sounds like her boundaries are really poor. Even if she has mental health issues, this will be for the best. If she is arrested for violating a restraining order (given that you get one) she will be forced to accept or seek mental health services. You'll be doing her a favor, it seems that she hasn't had anyone in her life to show her about boundaries and allowing people to have normal freedoms in their relationships.

I've had to do this with family, also some woman that my ex-H knew. Who was nuts, other people had complained about her, when i called the police they knew exactly who I was calling about. :-o


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## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

I agree with telling her how you feel in person or don't say it all. I understand how you feel, but you've known her for so long that I think she deserves to hear what went wrong, and you deserve to be able get it off your chest (in a non confrontational manner)

How old is she? She also sounds a bit immature.


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## Azure (Oct 8, 2012)

Elegirl, I did that throughout college. We went to different schools. I stopped picking up/answering her texts, but she persists! 

Homemaker, I really am starting to think she has mental issues. From what she tells me about her mom, it sounds that her mom is bipolar. I'm not sure if she is as well, but I can tell that she's not healthy at all. I don't think I can take such drastic measures. I can't even cut her off lol, let alone file a restraining order and all that. I'm just too much of a softie. I'd rather just cut her off and not have to deal with all the legal measures. I feel that it would be a betrayal. 

TrustInUs. She's 27, and she is really immature. 

How would I say it in person? I talked to another good friend about it and they said that jealousy is a very gray area, and is not something I should bring up at all. I should however let her know I was hurt she would think I'm already involved with another man considering I just got out of a relationship/ am still married. That she should think of me more highly than that. I'm just not sure what to tell her in person! 

Can I just cut her off without an explanation? I know so many other friends who have cut her off, and she's always at a loss as to why. I feel like she deserves an explanation from someone.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Hey, Azure-girl!

This one sounds not too difficult (unpleasant, yes, but not too difficult.)

Since she tends to be volatile and unpredictable, I would either telephone her, or write her (via mail or email) as opposed to a face-to-face meeting. On the phone, you can always hang up if she becomes too unpleasant. Via mail/email, you can always ignore future written interactions with her since you have made YOUR intent clear (whether she accepts/understands or not.)

Your convo or letter could go something like this:

"[Name], it is the start of the new year and the start of a new phase of my life as you know. I have been doing a lot of thinking and planning. I am calling/writing to let you know that, although we had been friends for a number of years, I have felt our friendship growing apart for the last couple of years. I believe that this relationship does not fit into the new life that I am building for myself and am, therefore, ending our friendship/social contact.

Thank you for your past kindnesses, and I wish you happiness and peace in your future, however you design it.

[Azure]

It has the advantages of being succinct and honest.


Whaddya think?


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## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

Yeah, however you do it I wouldn't bring up the jealousy part. And when I meant in person, I should have added or by phone. Maybe not as personal, but better than an email or text IMO.

Of course, you should do it however you feel most comfortable. I had to let a friend go years ago, and I wish I had just been honest about why. I did the whole not answering the phone/text thing.


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## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

Sorry, I didn't answer your question as to how to say it, but I think that Slowly's is a great start.


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## animal 2011 (Aug 9, 2011)

I would tell her, look we need to talk asap. I've been thinking about our friendship and the truth is I sense a jealousy coming from you and it creeps me out. I love you, but I find you overbearing and I do not wish to continue a friendship. I hope that you can work on this issue and find new friends. I wish you nothing but the best in life. I will bj longer be answering phone calls. Take care and goodbye.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## animal 2011 (Aug 9, 2011)

Haha, *no longer, not bj longer
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I like SlowlyGettingWiser's sample letter. I would only add one line to it. "Please don't contact me from this point on."


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## Pammycake (Jan 16, 2013)

Wow i had a childhood friend just like this! Always was jealous of me, was a competition for her, our grades, who was more trendy, who had a boyfriend or whos boyfriend was better, etc. and i was only allowed to have her as a friend pretty much. Absolutley the same personality. we fell out of contact but she always found a way to contact me and make me the person to blame, that i wasnt the good friend. I had to break it off with her too but she finally got a steady boyfriend and married him and we havent talked since. such a relief.

Prolly the best thing to do is stop reponding to her. always worked for me even with obsessed ex boyfriends. as long as you say something back they will always pursue.


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## Azure (Oct 8, 2012)

Thank you all for the feedback.

SGW, I love your sample email. If I decide to go that route, I will definitely use it. 

But some are saying I should do it in person/on the phone, so I'm giving this more thought before I make a decision. 

Animal2011 LOL I laughed when I read bj.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Azure:

You should DEFINITELY do what feels best for YOU. I would add that you should NOT do it in person IF YOU DON'T WANT TO. 

When I was very young, I had a VERY manipulative and emotionally abusive bf that I wanted to dump over the phone. My best friend told me how I 'couldn't' dump him over the phone (it was rude, immature, blah, blah, blah), so I gave into her urgings and talked to him in person. Need I tell you that he manipulated me into staying with him, worming his way in with (false) promises to change, etc.

I put up with at least another 9 months of his abuse before I broke it off with him (transferred from FL to CA for business). Once in CA, I was extremely curt on the phone and told him I didn't want to hear from him again. I WISH I HAD NOT ALLOWED MYSELF TO BE PERSUADED (AGAINST MY BETTER JUDGEMENT) by my gf and the 'correct', 'polite' societal expectations. I don't blame HER, she didn't know how bad he was. I blame me because I KNEW what a nut-job this guy was. I should have stood firm and did it MY way.

You should stand firm, too, and do it YOUR WAY (whichever way that is). We don't know her, we don't know the dynamics of your interactions with her. Do what makes YOU feel comfortable. You won't be sorry!


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Azure said:


> Can I just cut her off without an explanation? I know so many other friends who have cut her off, and she's always at a loss as to why. I feel like she deserves an explanation from someone.


Yes you can just cut her off without an explanation. I went through this recently with a friend that was flat out just taking too much of my time despite me trying over and over and over again to get her to stop. I can't block her on my phone so I gave her a 'mute' ring tone. I no longer hear when she calls or texts (and yes she still does and it's been 6 months now).

And like your friend mine has been cut off from others too and is at a loss why as well. 

You can't fix broken people but you can take care of YOU. FWIW this was hard to do. I started by backing away slowly answering less and less calls until I stopped all together.

I got to the point in my life where I REFUSE to hang out or talk to people I don't like. Life is too short.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

I've had acquaintances like this in the past.
They can be very emotionally demanding and drain you.

But I had developed a method to deal with their histrionics.

What I had found is that they can sometimes be good company, so what I used to do was simply ignore them when they go off on a tantrum / tangent.
I let them know politely before they go off [ when they are " normal ."], that I value their company , and believe that they are a good person deep down inside. 
Then I tell them that I would not be responding to their " bad " behaviour , because I never treat them like that , and they wouldn't like it if I did. 
So basically, anytime they act like that ,they should expect me to ignore them.

It worked well enough for me. They either changed their behaviour or simply stopped hanging around.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> Can I just cut her off without an explanation? I know so many other friends who have cut her off, and she's always at a loss as to why. I feel like she deserves an explanation from someone.


Maybe, but it doesn't have to come from YOU.

a. she won't want to hear it
b. she won't believe it
c. she will spend the whole time TELLING YOU that YOU'RE WRONG ("but I don't act like that", "I never X", "that's not true", etc.)

Just take about 10 seconds NOW to close your eyes and picture option c.....yeah, that's NOT gonna go well.

If she wants answers, she can see a professional who can help her see herself as others see her AND help her make changes that will make her life more satisfying.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Seems to me if you blocked her from FB and your phone she would have quite a clear idea of what was going on with no explanation needed.


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## Azure (Oct 8, 2012)

So she'd called and me and texted me several times this weekend and I haven't responded. Now she sent a message saying "Where are you?? I'm worried about you" and that's when the softie in me feels guilty :/


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Azure said:


> So she'd called and me and texted me several times this weekend and I haven't responded. Now she sent a message saying "Where are you?? I'm worried about you" and that's when the softie in me feels guilty :/


Guilty for what exactly? For choosing who you want to spend your time with?

People like her are skilled at inducing guilt. It gets them what they want. You!


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Azure:

Am unclear:

1.) You have given her the brush-off and she is STILL trying to actively remain involved in your life.

OR

2.) You have not yet given her the brush-off. Her calls are making you feel like a heel for not 'caring' more about her.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

It sounds (I could be wrong) that Azure just cut this other woman off without giving an explanation (and that's totally fine! The so-called friend isn't owed an explanation). 



Azure said:


> So she'd called and me and texted me several times this weekend and I haven't responded. Now she sent a message saying "Where are you?? I'm worried about you" and that's when the softie in me feels guilty :/


Just because she calls/emails/texts you, does not mean you have to respond. You are not obligated to respond to her even if she says she's worried about you. Your role in life is not to reassure her. She's a grown woman.


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## Azure (Oct 8, 2012)

Coffee Amore you are right. I still hadn't given her an explanation.

SGW, yes this is exactly how I feel: "Her calls are making you feel like a heel for not 'caring' more about her."

I finally sent her a brief message simply saying I am not interested in talking or hanging out at the moment. She replied saying 

"I wanna see you and be your friend. i understand you are going through a tough time... and I want you to know that I am here. But if you dont want to see me, I respect that. Just know that I am trying to reach out and I care for you cuz I love you."

SO YES I feel like a heel!


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## bluelaser (May 26, 2012)

Azure said:


> My mom never liked her, and said she always got a bad vibe from her
> 
> She has always called me her "best friend" and gets extremely jealous when others call me that too. Has always been very possessive of me.
> 
> She started texting me DAILY asking


:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: LMAO!!

I nearly fell off my chair when i read your post. You guys are waaaaaay off!! 

Your friend is gay and has a serious crush on you. How do i know? Well, back in college i had a close lesbian friend who would use the same tactics to sleep with "straight" girls. The stalking, jealousy everything fits. 



Azure said:


> She calls to chit chat, then says "So who's this friend you posted about? Has someone been coming to see you everyday?" I sensed that it wasn't an innocent question, and it was laced with jealousy, so I was like no, its really none of your concern. She's like "It was a guy wasn't it!" WOW, at this point I simply said, No, I'm still married! and a few other things. She's like well I just called to check up on you and you're being weird so bye!


Yup! My theory fits. My friend would snarl and bare her claws if her "meat" would get encroached upon by men, just as your friend is doing. Her next move will be to "spend the night" with you. It means she wants to get into your pants. I can liken her to a hyena circling its prey 

Easy solution really. Ask her if she is gay. Tell her you're not (assuming that's true ). End of story  

Like i said, your mom is a wise woman  *Listen to her!!*


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I'd probably ignore her calls, texts, ect... You can block her phone from calling you or you can change your number.

I'd worry about the mental state of someone like her and so persistent. She seems like a stalker type(only assuming this), but I would be leery of her.

I've had to get rid if a male friend I never wanted to date. We hung out a few times and I didn't want to be his friend any longer. I did not like who he was. I ignored him at first, then I finally had the guts to tell him off. He blew up at me and told me i should date him. After that he drove by my work everyday putting notes on my car. Thank goodness he stopped after a few months. This was 15 years ago. Just a few months ago he found me on Facebook and tried to friend me. I had forgotten all about him, but I blocked his name and I put myself to private, so no one can look me up.

Good luck. You are better off without this toxic controlling friend.


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## ChiGirl (Jan 20, 2013)

I had a friend like this.. the only way I "got rid" of her is when she finally moved CONTINENTS!!! And she will still, occasionally send me pictures!

Before she moved I stopped answering most of her calls, blocked her from FB.. etc...

I agree with "life is too short" on this one.. esp if she is not contributing anything good to the relationship!


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> She replied saying
> 
> "I wanna see you and be your friend. i understand you are going through a tough time... and I want you to know that I am here. But if you dont want to see me, I respect that. Just know that I am trying to reach out and I care for you cuz I love you."
> 
> SO YES I feel like a heel!


*Azure:*

PLEASE stop feeling like a heel! *Talk is cheap* (remember your STBXH), *action is EVERYTHING!*

Let's break this down, piece by piece.

What she says:


> I wanna see you and be your friend.


What she does:


> She has always called me her "best friend" and gets extremely jealous when others call me that too. Has always been very possessive of me.


What she says:


> i understand you are going through a tough time... and I want you to know that I am here.


What she does:


> Then, after I separated from my STBXH my car broke down. She kept calling asking me when we can hang out, and I would tell her I'm sorry I have no transportation. She lives 15 minutes away from me, but has always...complained about how it costs her gas $$ to come see me...She started texting me DAILY asking "*When are you gonna get a car*?" Which ticked me offfff.


What she says:


> But if you dont want to see me, I respect that.


What she does:


> *I* finally *sent her a brief message simply saying I am not interested in talking or hanging out* at the moment. *She replied saying "I wanna see you *and be your friend.


What she says:


> Just know that I am trying to reach out and I care for you cuz I love you


What she does:


> "Why the hell do you not answer my phone calls? You have time for boys like "O" and the damn "insert ethnicity" guy but you seem to not have time for your best friend to just say hi. What a true friend you are!"


Lesbian? I don't know. Unhealthily OBSESSIVE? Abso-fvcking-lutely!

Time to weed ALL the unhealthy relationships out of your life, Azure. If she is NOT helping you grow, is not supportive of your growth, is not happy for you....then she's a SOUL SUCKER. Quit being SO NICE. She's a screwed-up mess, but YOU have quite enough on your own plate RIGHT NOW to take care of. You certainly don't have the time, interest, energy or credentials to straighten out this woman's life!

Focus on what's IMPORTANT! Keep your eyes on the prize: mental health, emotional stability, financial independence, HEALTHY relationships. You've sunk more than ENOUGH time into this unhealthy relationship. Kick her to the curb, and MOVE ON. 

SHE doesn't make you feel guilty....YOU make you feel guilty! Stop it. You have been her friend for years...you do not OWE her anything else. It's like a marriage: it takes TWO people to make a relationship work. If you're unwilling to, then it's OVER. Send her another notice only THIS TIME instead of saying


> I am not interested in talking or hanging out at the moment.


Tell her the relationship is over PERMANENTLY! Stop dangling the carrot of "at the moment". Be honest...you want to deal with her NEVER AGAIN. Do it, rip the band-aid off, and BE DONE. Otherwise, YOU'RE just bringing more of this misery onto BOTH of you!


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

I honestly think you need to read books on setting boundaries! You're on the right path, but you seem to have difficulties with standing up to people who abuse your good nature (ex-h AND this 'friend').

*hugs*


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Azure said:


> SO YES I feel like a heel!


I think this is normal for too nice people like you however if you stay the course this will pass.

In 6 months you'll wonder why you didn't do this sooner.

And yes I speak from experience.


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## weesnaw567 (Jan 25, 2013)

Ahhhh..... i have had this problem before. Don't email her though. Text her: please leave me alone for a while. Something is overwhelming me and i need to fix this, so just, don't bother me 4 a while......


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Amen! Amen!

Sister Mavash & I are singing the SAME SONG! (the 'Been There/Done That' blues.)


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## weesnaw567 (Jan 25, 2013)

What was that all about slowlygettingwiser?


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## Azure (Oct 8, 2012)

Ahh SGW, I love you! I was like "Oh, snap!" When I read your last reply. Thanks for breaking it down like that. That is absolutely spot on. Talk is cheap. I have to keep reminding myself that. And I really need to learn to be clear about my boundaries. I've always struggled with that. I hate hurting others and being perceived as "mean". There was a time I did enforce my boundaries with a close friend of mine who admitted to being in love with me whom I chose to cut off. I got the longest chastising email ever TWO years later. It made me feel like sh*t. I just hate being seen as a b*tch, even though I knew I had made the right decision then.

So this friend of mine got the message. She has stopped calling/texting (for now)

Oh and whether she is a lesbian or not, I have no idea lol


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Azure - Get this book from your local library or bookstore. I think you'll find it very useful. It's "*My answer is "No" if that's ok with you: How women can say no and (still) feel good about it." *The author is Dr. Nanette Gartrell, an award-winning psychiatrist.

The book can be read over few days. Dr. Gatrell explains how one can set limits with family members, friends, employees and even your supervisor.. It's hard for women to say "no" and set limits. Women feel anxious or guilty. We worry that others won't like us, they'll think we're mean. Instead we reluctantly agree or we refuse by coming up with elaborate excuses instead of giving a simple "no".


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## WaitForIt... (Jan 20, 2013)

I had to end all contact with my best friend of almost 30 years. She was toxic in every way imaginable, to the point of leaving me depressed at the end of every phone conversation. 

The final straw was when she tried to secretly sabotage another long term friendship. I confronted her and she lied. That was the last conversation I will ever have with her. For months she texted, fb messaged and left voicemails. Starting with, "I miss you, please call me", graduating to "Are you ok? I'm worried about you" and finally ending with a horrible, drunken one in which she called my family white trash and losers. 

It's been about 3 years now. 2 Weeks ago, she sent a friend request on fb. It was denied. My life is much better without her drama and I don't regret it. 

Cut your friend out without answers or looking back. Be steadfast and one day you will breathe a sigh of relief.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

WaitForIt: Good for you! It DOES feel so good to get toxic people out of our lives. Once you do, you realize there was an undercurrent of generalized anxiety in your life that you never noticed (you just notice it's new absence!)

Azure: 


> There was a time I did enforce my boundaries with a close friend of mine who admitted to being in love with me whom I chose to cut off. I got the longest chastising email ever TWO years later. It made me feel like sh*t. I just hate being seen as a b*tch, even though I knew I had made the right decision then.


Well, it must have eaten him/her up for two years to feel the need to DUMP on you for not loving him/her back!  (hussy!)

I know that in another 6 months or so (July-ish), you will be in a much different and BETTER place in your life, Azure! Keep up the great growth you've been doing!

Coffee_Amore: THANKS so much for the book advice! I'm going online to see if my library system has this book!


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## Azure (Oct 8, 2012)

Thank you all so much for your support. And Coffee-Amore thank you so much for recommending that book. I'm going to check it out ASAP lol.


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