# Wife doesn’t want me to touch her breasts



## Dg1 (May 25, 2021)

My (50m) wife (48f) and I had a great sexual relationship for most of our marriage. Without going into details - I am 100% certain that it was satisfying for both of us. About 5 years ago (we’ve been married 29) she started not wanting me to touch her breasts as much and over time stopped letting me touch them altogether. It is a HUGE mood killer for me because it’s always like an elephant in the room. We typically communicate well, but she doesn’t want to say much about this. 
Her explanation started out that she doesn’t feel good about herself because she gained some weight. I understand and respect this.... but she’s lost the weight and nothing has changed. In fact it’s worse. Even thought I never push the issue she’s started coming to be with a sports bra under her pajama top. 
I really struggle to get erections because of this. Imagine a section of a persons body being off limits - now try to cuddle or be intimate without accidentally straying into the forbidden zone, if only by accident. 
I know that asking in a public forum gets you all manner of answers, but still, what can I do?
I‘m not leaving her over something like this, but I’m really bothered by this and sex is never great for me anymore.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

My wife stopped having sex with me because of her body issues... well, it's a tad more complicate than that , but... I guess it does happen. Maybe now that she's lost weight, her breasts have become a bit saggy, so losing the weight didn't solve _that_ problem. I can only think that she doesn't like them and she doesn't want to expose them. Is she ok with the other parts of her body? Since you are not going to divorce her over this, you can only talk and talk and talk about this... maybe you'll get somewhere. But you need to now the real reason to be able to fix the problem, if at all possible.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

This is therapist territory here. Yu two need to go talk to a professional, probably sex therapist, although a marriage one should do as well. There is an issue here that goes beyond her weight if the initial reason she gave is gone.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

We're assuming your wife doesn't experience any pain or (physical) discomfort from you touching them. Do they look normal to you?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

No ideas here but I could see that as being a real problem. Can you look but not touch?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Dg1 said:


> *I really struggle to get erections* because of this. Imagine a section of a persons body being off limits - now try to cuddle or be intimate without accidentally straying into the forbidden zone, if only by accident.
> I know that asking in a public forum gets you all manner of answers, but still, what can I do?
> I‘m not leaving her over something like this, but I’m really bothered by this and *sex is never great for me anymore.*


You need to tell your wife how her restrictions are physically affecting you. Unless you are causing her physical discomfort, her actions are undermining your bond. She is telling you that she doesn't trust you with that part of her body.

Have you made her feel that her breasts are not up to standard in some way? Have you made comments about big hooters or do you stare at the well endowed? Think of any role you may have played in this behavior.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

That is a bit too far for reality in body issues territory even.

I don't usually say therapist right off the bat, but it may take that. It not, as @Blondilocks says keep trying to communicate the problem.

Also, some women have suffered through breast cancer, more, and would be ecstatic for the opportunity to share her natural breasts with her H, at any age. Maybe point that out to her.

Assuming she's had no C surgical treatments herself? Only you know that, so far. That's a whole different ballgame. 

Best of luck.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

I think I would die if I couldn't touch my wife's breasts, lol. Seriously I can't seem to keep my hands off them. Probably TMI here, but I usually go to sleep holding on to one of them. My wife has some issues with her body image since she has put on some weight over the years, but it is really nothing of concern and I love her exactly the way she is. At one point she didn't like when I would put my hand on or arm around her belly. She felt it was too fat and I guess she felt like it was bring attention to it. My solution is we talked about it and I tell her all the time and do absolutely everything I can to make sure she knows she is beautiful. She knows touching and holding her intimately is extremely important to me. 

I think you need to talk about it. Find out why she doesn't want it. Validate her concerns, don't dismiss them. Then do your best to let her know how you feel about her and why touching her, including her breasts, is important to you. One thing for sure, is if you do nothing then nothing will change.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

This is a big deal. She is unilaterally limiting your sexual intimacy, very bad thing for a marriage.
How is she sexually with you (aside from the boob issue)?


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## Dg1 (May 25, 2021)

Sfort said:


> We're assuming your wife doesn't experience any pain or (physical) discomfort from you touching them. Do they look normal to you?


They look normal and are excellent....as I vaguely recall


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## Dg1 (May 25, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> No ideas here but I could see that as being a real problem. Can you look but not touch?


Nope. No looking or touching.


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## Dg1 (May 25, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> You need to tell your wife how her restrictions are physically affecting you. Unless you are causing her physical discomfort, her actions are undermining your bond. She is telling you that she doesn't trust you with that part of her body.
> 
> Have you made her feel that her breasts are not up to standard in some way? Have you made comments about big hooters or do you stare at the well endowed? Think of any role you may have played in this behavior.


I’ve tried to talk to her about it, and on this issue she just closes up.
I have never made any comment or implied anything about another woman. I also have never (would never) put her down in any way. We are both very kind to each other - not in a lame way of kissing butt, but genuinely.


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## Dg1 (May 25, 2021)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> That is a bit too far for reality in body issues territory even.
> 
> I don't usually say therapist right off the bat, but it may take that. It not, as @Blondilocks says keep trying to communicate the problem.
> 
> ...


There has never been any health issues at all. I’ve always thought she was amazing and (IMO) treated her that way. I know that I am human and likely have failed at times, but I have always tried.


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## Dg1 (May 25, 2021)

DudeInProgress said:


> This is a big deal. She is unilaterally limiting your sexual intimacy, very bad thing for a marriage.
> How is she sexually with you (aside from the boob issue)?


Aside from that, we are good. I won’t say great because I am struggling so bad right now.
She still cums often - not always but often.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

There must be a reason but unless she is prepared the talk to you about it I am not sure what you can do. 
Doss she realise the depth of your unhappiness about it?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

I will toss my 2¢ into the discussion and keep in mind that I am a male making assumptions that I might actually know something about women (meaning my advice may be misguided). 

Some women have very sensitive breasts! At your wife's age she may be experiencing hormone changed that alter that nature of that sensitivity. A touch that used to feel good, might have gradually started to feel irritating or uncomfortable. She may now require a much higher threshold of arousal for touch to feel enjoyable, which means you may need to avoid them all together until she is very aroused (near climax). 

Going through this process may have her feeling like it is best to just avoid her breasts altogether. I would encourage her to self explore some to she if she can provide you with some guidance on how and when she likes to be touched. 

Some books on therapy recommend using a certain process. There is a special part of the brain that maps out where you are touching your own body. This is what makes it rather challenging to tickle yourself (give it a try!). The idea is that you need to be able to touch your own body uninhibited in order to care for yourself. Imagine trying to remove a foreign object/substance from a ticklish area only to discover that you can't touch yourself because you are too ticklish to touch that area. The body has a mechanism to override this so that you can touch yourself anywhere you want so that if you were to come into contact with a harmful substance you can easily clean it off. 

Using the idea above, you can also use that effect to allow other to touch you without it feeling uncomfortable. For example my wife tries to tickle me under my arms, but as long as I can place a finger or two in that general area, it prevents her touch from being ticklish. 

So if you are touching your wife's breasts for YOUR pleasure and you need to do so in a way that minimizes or eliminates an issue with her feeling oversensitive in that area, simply ask her to guide your hand with hers. This will allow her mind to overcome feeling too sensitive and allow the touch to feel more comfortable. It may also allow her to enjoy it as well. 

The above will only work if this is an issue with feeling too sensitive to touch. If she has other issues that are more emotional, it may not help. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Dg1 (May 25, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Doss she realise the depth of your unhappiness about it?


She does realize I’m unhappy, but I highly doubt she realizes the depth of it. Honestly, it’s a non-winnable situation. If she knew the depth of my unhappiness and changed, she wouldn’t like it ....and I wouldn’t enjoy that.
In short, I’m just out of luck I guess. It helps to put this in writing.


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## Dg1 (May 25, 2021)

badsanta said:


> I will toss my 2¢ into the discussion and keep in mind that I am a male making assumptions that I might actually know something about women (meaning my advice may be misguided).
> 
> Some women have very sensitive breasts! At your wife's age she may be experiencing hormone changed that alter that nature of that sensitivity. A touch that used to feel good, might have gradually started to feel irritating or uncomfortable. She may now require a much higher threshold of arousal for touch to feel enjoyable, which means you may need to avoid them all together until she is very aroused (near climax).
> 
> ...


I get pleasure from it ONLY when it gives her pleasure, but having a forbidden zone literally front and center while we are intimate is damn near impossible for me to deal with.

I don’t know what it is that she has going on. She isn’t communicating much at all on this and (after many attempts on my part) it’s become something we both avoid talking about.


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## Pip’sJourney (Mar 17, 2021)

as @badsanta suggests she may be going through menopause and the breasts do change. I am about her age and the consistency, texture and sensitivity do change. She may just need some time. Talk to her... even if she shuts down she still hears you. Maybe offer to buy her a sexy bra that she can wear during sex.. at least it may be a good compromise and look impressive until she can feel herself again.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Pip’sJourney said:


> Maybe offer to buy her a sexy bra that she can wear during sex.. at least it may be a good compromise and look impressive until she can feel herself again.


If she hates her breasts, I doubt she will be wanting to display them in a sexy number...

Menopause might be the reason.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Dg1 said:


> I get pleasure from it ONLY when it gives her pleasure, but having a forbidden zone literally front and center while we are intimate is damn near impossible for me to deal with.


OK, then this sounds more like a developmental issue on your end of things. As in you want to have control over when your wife gets aroused. Perhaps she is standing up for herself and choosing to have more control over herself, which is likely a good thing.

If you want to have sex and your wife is not in the mood, you should not force her to be in the mood for your entertainment. You should work out what needs to happen so that she can help you achieve a sexual release regardless of if she is in the mood or not. Otherwise you risk destroying what remaining desire and sexual enjoyment she has remaining.

Regards,
Badsanta


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

can you try other things with her?
maybe her breasts and nipples have become overly sensitive with age, and it does not feel good anymore as foreplay.
maybe she WILL let you fondle them as she gets close to orgasim?
or maybe she will go with a little breast bondage? tying up her breasts with rope to give you a visual thrill to see them, but not overly stimulating them with your hands.


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## Twodecades (Apr 4, 2021)

Well, it sounds like something happened five years ago that made her want to cover them up. If you want to resolve this, you'll need to get to the bottom of that. Some women are as sensitive about their breasts as some men are about their joysticks (don't mean that in a snarky way, either), so even an offhand remark can sting. It could even have been someone else that said it, or she may have just compared herself to younger women and realized how her breasts have changed, and felt insecure. Have you asked her what you can do to make her feel better about her breasts? Ultimately, how she feels about them is her responsibility, but how vulnerable she feels in giving you access to them can be influenced by you.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

There was absolutely a catalyst five years ago and it is something your wife considers so heavy that she refuses to even discuss it with you.

Something has done some real damage to your wife and I don't think it's a body image issue directly. It probably isn't something you have done or failed to do either unless she assumed something about you that she isn't communicating.

Whatever it is, she considers it so serious that she believes the damage from discussing it would be worse than the damage she is doing now.

I guarantee she is somewhat aware of the effect her behavior is having and she is balancing that against the damage she believes would result from talking about whatever "it" is.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

I couldn’t look at or touch my wife’s breasts, but apparently it was okay for other dudes. I’m getting divorced.

Just beware that this could be the beginning of her sexual shutdown. First she says no touching her, then you end up touching yourself for the rest of your marriage.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I was waiting for someone to blame it on menopause. I wasn't disappointed.

Millions-- billions-- of women have entered premenopause and not cut off their partner from touching or even looking at their breasts. 

So the problem isn't "menopause", the problem is some individual problem she is having.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Livvie said:


> I was waiting for someone to blame it on menopause. I wasn't disappointed.


You don't get the use of "maybe", do you?  At 48 it is a possibility. We know there are "billions" of women unaffected, but there are "billions" affected too. And you are not complaining about the suggestion she is having an affair. Great!


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Pull back. Go your own way and let her figure it out.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Dg1 said:


> She does realize I’m unhappy, but I highly doubt she realizes the depth of it. Honestly, it’s a non-winnable situation. If she knew the depth of my unhappiness and changed, she wouldn’t like it ....and I wouldn’t enjoy that.
> In short, I’m just out of luck I guess. It helps to put this in writing.


I meant more that if she realised how deeply unhappy you are she may decide to talk to you about why this has happened. 
Something has caused this after such a long time of being ok with it. The fact that she won't even let you see them means it's pretty serious for her. 
It's sad she can't tell you the reason.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

.


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## Twodecades (Apr 4, 2021)

I went through a period where I felt very insecure about my breasts and didn't want my husband to see or touch them. It was a combo of a few offhand thoughtless remarks on his part, combined with postpartum changes, my unhealthy comparisons to others, and my thinking like he didn't really care much for them. I'm not saying that RebuildingMe's situation doesn't happen, but hiding one's breasts--as a singular variable--doesn't necessarily indicate that she's likely looking elsewhere. I certainly wasn't.

Women's bodies do change a lot, and there is a lot of societal pressure to have young, perky, large, yet not saggy breasts. It used to be that breast implants were rare (and an extreme thing to do), but now they aren't. I have at least a couple of friends/family members that have gotten them, and a few more that have told me that they have or are considering it. Not trying to start a thread jack, just illustrate how strongly some women associate their breasts with their self-image.

I don't even know if that is the issue, but if you find out it is, you can PM me, as I may have some suggestions.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> Whatever it is, she considers it so serious that she believes the damage from discussing it would be worse than the damage she is doing now.



This is where I'm betting my money. 

OP you've mentioned she's aware of how you feel about you touching her breasts. There's a million reasons why she is feeling the way she does about them but I can tell you with 100% certainty that the reason she doesn't share her thoughts on the subject is because she doesn't feel safe doing so. 

Imagine hearing her tell you she is experiencing sensitive issues with hormone changes, how would you react to such information?

What if she said she was not feeling very attractive and that covering them up mad her feel better about herself? Would you try to convince her otherwise? I'm telling you now, she'll think you're doing that just to touch her boobs. 

What if she told you that something you said years ago was hurtful and unforgivable? How would you react?

What if she admitted that she never really enjoyed your touch but faked enjoying it because it made you happy but that she just couldn't keep faking it anymore?


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

I say this only because nobody else asked: is it possible you aren't being gentle enough in that area? I had an ex who used to grab the breast really hard and couldn't understand why I would pull away despite numerous conversations - sometimes what feels good when aroused is way too rough when you're just warming up. What verbal feedback is she giving you if any in the moment? Is she saying "I don't like that" or "that's a little hard" or "gentle"? Does she associate you touching her breasts with you initiating sex? If so you may need to go see a therapist together.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Lila said:


> This is where I'm betting my money.
> 
> OP you've mentioned she's aware of how you feel about you touching her breasts. There's a million reasons why she is feeling the way she does about them but I can tell you with 100% certainty that the reason she doesn't share her thoughts on the subject is because she doesn't feel safe doing so.
> 
> ...


I'm not speculating on what it is but I would lay odds on what I believe her reasoning is.

It may not even be that big of a deal to others but this is very serious in her perception.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

ConanHub said:


> I'm not speculating on what it is but I would lay odds on what I believe her reasoning is.
> 
> It may not even be that big of a deal to others but this is very serious in her perception.


I’m going to agree. They are her boobs so she does get the final say if you get to use them for your amusement. Shift your focus to other areas 😉


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Torninhalf said:


> I’m going to agree. They are her boobs so she does get the final say if you get to use them for your amusement. Shift your focus to other areas 😉


My analysis aside, no way would my woman's body be off limits to this barbarian. She will be on my altar and I will devour her entirety as my sacrifice.😈

I'm not exactly civilized though so my methods aren't always good advice for others.😉


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Torninhalf said:


> I’m going to agree. They are her boobs so she does get the final say if you get to use them for your amusement. Shift your focus to other areas 😉


Yes, she gets the final say as it is her body.

That being said, no parts of each other’s body should be off-limits in a healthy sexual relationship.
Sure, there may be times here or there were something is sore, or she’s not feeling like a certain thing at the moment- but ongoing limitations on where I can/can’t touch (or even see) would not be acceptable to me at all.

If I don’t have full reign over my wife’s body (and her mine), that’s not a marriage dynamic I’m interested in.

There’s a lot more going on here.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I doubt she'll want to go it sounds to me like you need to both go to a counselor and try to find out what's going on here. I have never heard of this issue. Generally when women can seal a part of their body it's because they have always felt self-conscious about it or something is changed and they feel self-conscious about it or as Blondilocks inquired, no partner has somehow made them feel that they don't measure up in that department but I believe you when you say none of that is in play.

So it sounds like some sort of serious problem that needs counseling and the only other thing I can think of that could possibly trigger something like this is if she is remembering some past abuse or molestation and that was a trigger that has only surfaced in recent years.

It really is a mystery because in the past she wasn't that way and you have not done anything to make her feel that way which I'm assuming means she hasn't caught you looking at porn or seen your links to the big hooters website or something like that.

She may indeed be starting to sag as older people do, but if someone was to start concealing that I think they would if they're smart be doing it with a push-up bra rather than something totally covering up because you can cover up a multitude of sins with a push-up bra.

If she can't even talk to you about it then I know she's going to be loath to talk to a counselor but I think you should tell her how it's affecting you and tell her you would be willing to go with her to a counselor either together or if she would rather go separate to discuss the issue in private that would be fine.

She hasn't ever complained that you are too rough has she?

Good luck.


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## Dg1 (May 25, 2021)

badsanta said:


> OK, then this sounds more like a developmental issue on your end of things. As in you want to have control over when your wife gets aroused. Perhaps she is standing up for herself and choosing to have more control over herself, which is likely a good thing.
> 
> If you want to have sex and your wife is not in the mood, you should not force her to be in the mood for your entertainment. You should work out what needs to happen so that she can help you achieve a sexual release regardless of if she is in the mood or not. Otherwise you risk destroying what remaining desire and sexual enjoyment she has remaining.
> 
> ...


You misunderstood and read WAY too much into that (I probably could have worded it better) I don’t want any control over when she is aroused. I was saying that I only enjoy touching her when she enjoys it too.
Do you enjoy touching people who don’t want you to? Of course not (I hope).


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## Dg1 (May 25, 2021)

Pip’sJourney said:


> as @badsanta suggests she may be going through menopause and the breasts do change. I am about her age and the consistency, texture and sensitivity do change. She may just need some time. Talk to her... even if she shuts down she still hears you. Maybe offer to buy her a sexy bra that she can wear during sex.. at least it may be a good compromise and look impressive until she can feel herself again.


I think she might be going through pre-menopause because her periods aren’t regular anymore. I was never rough with her breasts though. I just feel defeated with this.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> You don't get the use of "maybe", do you?  At 48 it is a possibility. We know there are "billions" of women unaffected, but there are "billions" affected too. And you are not complaining about the suggestion she is having an affair. Great!


I've never heard of: my wife suddenly stopped letting me see or touch her breasts at age 43 (OP says this started 5 years ago) because menopause 🙄


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## Dg1 (May 25, 2021)

Lila said:


> This is where I'm betting my money.
> 
> OP you've mentioned she's aware of how you feel about you touching her breasts. There's a million reasons why she is feeling the way she does about them but I can tell you with 100% certainty that the reason she doesn't share her thoughts on the subject is because she doesn't feel safe doing so.
> 
> ...


I would really like to hear from her on .... whatever is the issue.

If she faked it for 25 years we would have a huge problem that I wouldn’t get over. That level of lying is too much for me. I’m not saying I would leave her, but it would literally re-write a ton of my memories. That would be tough.


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## Dg1 (May 25, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> can you try other things with her?
> maybe her breasts and nipples have become overly sensitive with age, and it does not feel good anymore as foreplay.
> maybe she WILL let you fondle them as she gets close to orgasim?
> or maybe she will go with a little breast bondage? tying up her breasts with rope to give you a visual thrill to see them, but not overly stimulating them with your hands.


She will let me fondle them through clothes but I feel her tense up so I back off. 

A lot of people think, because they have had sex a lot, that they are good at sex. I don’t think like that, but I do make her cum (by penetration) most times. I have had sex with her enough through the years that I have a pretty good read of what she is thinking - just not why.
I know that this could be me causing this. I just don’t know what changed in our interactions enough to have her feel that differently about my touch.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Dg1 said:


> I would really like to hear from her on .... whatever is the issue.
> 
> If she faked it for 25 years we would have a huge problem that I wouldn’t get over. That level of lying is too much for me. I’m not saying I would leave her, but it would literally re-write a ton of my memories. That would be tough.


I think instead of focusing on HER reasons for not wanting you to touch them, I think you'd be better served by figuring why it's so important to YOU. 

You mentioned having issues keeping sexually engaged since she won't let you fondle her breasts anymore. What if she told you that having them touched doesn't feel good to her anymore? Would that be an acceptable answer to you? Could you remain sexually engaged with her knowing it doesn't feel good to have her breasts fondled?


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## Dg1 (May 25, 2021)

Twodecades said:


> Well, it sounds like something happened five years ago that made her want to cover them up. If you want to resolve this, you'll need to get to the bottom of that. Some women are as sensitive about their breasts as some men are about their joysticks (don't mean that in a snarky way, either), so even an offhand remark can sting. It could even have been someone else that said it, or she may have just compared herself to younger women and realized how her breasts have changed, and felt insecure. Have you asked her what you can do to make her feel better about her breasts? Ultimately, how she feels about them is her responsibility, but how vulnerable she feels in giving you access to them can be influenced by you.


I agree that something happened 5 years ago, but for the life of me I don’t know what. 

I went down a list of questions about my appearance, cleanliness, weight etc etc.
I was much nicer looking when I was young but most people are. I’m still in decent shape and have my weight in the ‘good range’ (whatever that is 😂) according to the charts, I work out, keep a decent haircut, I’m ultra clean..... successful on my job.....I’m kind and complimentary while not groveling and kissing ass...... 
I’m grasping at straws here. None of those things have meaning if she’s unhappy with me. But we get along great otherwise. We walk together several times a week, talk all the time, kiss good morning and good night, go on date nights, hold hands...corny stuff really bit it has worked for us.

I think it must be that she is un-attracted to me. I think she loves me and likes me but doesn’t enjoy intimacy with me. I don’t know....
I just went all over the place with that response. I almost deleted it but I think I’ll leave it. It helped me sort my thoughts a little more.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

I'm 41 and going through peri-menopause. Sometimes it's hard to catch up with what my body feels or wants, but not to the point of not wanting my husband see or touch me. If anything, I think I crave his touch now more than before peri.

How is your communication? Have you ever had issues discussing important or awkward subjects in your marriage? I think you should press the issue to find out what is really going on.


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## Dg1 (May 25, 2021)

Lila said:


> I think instead of focusing on HER reasons for not wanting you to touch them, I think you'd be better served by figuring why it's so important to YOU.
> 
> You mentioned having issues keeping sexually engaged since she won't let you fondle her breasts anymore. What if she told you that having them touched doesn't feel good to her anymore? Would that be an acceptable answer to you? Could you remain sexually engaged with her knowing it doesn't feel good to have her breasts fondled?


I know why it’s important to me. 
A) My wife changed something with no explanation.
B) I like breasts and I like her.

If she told me that, I could accept it. 
No, I couldn’t remain sexually engaged knowing it didn’t feel good.

Imagine your partner letting you touch their chest for 25 years and then they stop with no explanation. You would have questions too.... and you would probably miss being with them the way you used to.


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## Dg1 (May 25, 2021)

pastasauce79 said:


> I'm 41 and going through peri-menopause. Sometimes it's hard to catch up with what my body feels or wants, but not to the point of not wanting my husband see or touch me. If anything, I think I crave his touch now more than before peri.
> 
> How is your communication? Have you ever had issues discussing important or awkward subjects in your marriage? I think you should press the issue to find out what is really going on.


Our communication is great in every area but sex.


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

I also vote for getting some professional help. She may have perfectly understandable reasons or concerns but by refusing to discuss them with you she is stonewalling you and it is damaging your marriage. She may well not feel safe talking about this with you, but that just reinforces the fact that there are problems that need to be addressed.

All I can encourage you to do is to stop approaching any of this as about her breasts. Rather, focus on the distance now in your relationship and the failure you are having in being able to openly communicate about issues and concerns you have.

You really have my sympathy here. If my wife began hiding parts of her body from me I would be deeply worried. You've let this go on for too long so please do take some action and get some support.


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## Dg1 (May 25, 2021)

AGoodFlogging said:


> I also vote for getting some professional help. She may have perfectly understandable reasons or concerns but by refusing to discuss them with you she is stonewalling you and it is damaging your marriage. She may well not feel safe talking about this with you, but that just reinforces the fact that there are problems that need to be addressed.
> 
> All I can encourage you to do is to stop approaching any of this as about her breasts. Rather, focus on the distance now in your relationship and the failure you are having in being able to openly communicate about issues and concerns you have.
> 
> You really have my sympathy here. If my wife began hiding parts of her body from me I would be deeply worried. You've let this go on for too long so please do take some action and get some support.


Thank you.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

I am curious. When y’all do have sex what does she say when you try to touch her breasts? How is the rest of the encounter. Does she seem to enjoy it?


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Dg1 said:


> I know why it’s important to me.
> A) My wife changed something with no explanation.
> B) I like breasts and I like her.
> 
> ...


I don't have to imagine. I lived it but in a different way. My ex husband started having erectile dysfunction at the ripe old age of 36 (iirc). He was in peak physical condition. We'd been together about 17 years. Imagine being with someone for 17 years and they all of a sudden can't get excited for sex with you. I had questions and I sure missed being with him the way we used to be. Why? Because vI like hard **** and I liked my ex husband. But the more I pressed for an answer, the more distanced he became.

So you see, all you can do is be supportive and patient. If you choose to stay with your wife then the onus is on you to accept her as is, no breasts fondling and all. That's I say focus on what you can change, yourself, and stop focusing on why it doesn't feel good to her.


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## Dg1 (May 25, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> I am curious. When y’all do have sex what does she say when you try to touch her breasts? How is the rest of the encounter. Does she seem to enjoy it?


The last time she just kinda froze up. She’s not harsh or anything, but if I persist she will move my hand.

The rest of the encounter is good if I don’t try to touch her breasts.


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## Dg1 (May 25, 2021)

Lila said:


> I don't have to imagine. I lived it but in a different way. My ex husband started having erectile dysfunction at the ripe old age of 36 (iirc). He was in peak physical condition. We'd been together about 17 years. Imagine being with someone for 17 years and they all of a sudden can't get excited for sex with you. I had questions and I sure missed being with him the way we used to be. Why? Because vI like hard **** and I liked my ex husband. But the more I pressed for an answer, the more distanced he became.
> 
> So you see, all you can do is be supportive and patient. If you choose to stay with your wife then the onus is on you to accept her as is, no breasts fondling and all. That's I say focus on what you can change, yourself, and stop focusing on why it doesn't feel good to her.


I know that must have been very difficult. More difficult than mine because we do have sex.

Thank you. That’s really good advice. I need to take some time and think on this.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Dg1 said:


> The last time she just kinda froze up. She’s not harsh or anything, but if I persist she will move my hand.
> 
> The rest of the encounter is good if I don’t try to touch her breasts.


To me it sounds like she is self conscious. I think you need to be direct and just ask her.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Lila said:


> I don't have to imagine. I lived it but in a different way. My ex husband started having erectile dysfunction at the ripe old age of 36 (iirc). He was in peak physical condition. We'd been together about 17 years. Imagine being with someone for 17 years and they all of a sudden can't get excited for sex with you. I had questions and I sure missed being with him the way we used to be. Why? Because vI like hard **** and I liked my ex husband. But the more I pressed for an answer, the more distanced he became.
> 
> So you see, all you can do is be supportive and patient. If you choose to stay with your wife then the onus is on you to accept her as is, no breasts fondling and all. That's I say focus on what you can change, yourself, and stop focusing on why it doesn't feel good to her.


I can’t disagree more strongly with this.

His wife suddenly cuts off a significant element of sexual intimacy, without explanation and won’t talk about it with him - and HE just needs to accept it as is? That is ridiculous. 

If she’s going to cut out an element of sexual intimacy after many years, she damn well owes him an explanation. 
And he has a completely legitimate expectation of her to talk to him about it. 

And the fact that she has decided to make an area of her body off-limits to her husband, and then refuses to talk about it– is a huge red flag of bigger issues in this marriage. 

So no, he doesn’t just need to accept it and look at himself as to why it matters to him. He has every right to expect his wife to be fully sexually open with him and to discuss any issues as significant as this. And if she refuses, there is more going on with her connection to him, and it’s not good.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

DudeInProgress said:


> I can’t disagree more strongly with this.
> 
> His wife suddenly cuts off a significant element of sexual intimacy, without explanation and won’t talk about it with him - and HE just needs to accept it as is? That is ridiculous.
> 
> ...


You must have missed the part where I said "_If you choose to stay with your wife _. She has communicated why she doesn't want him fondling her breasts....she doesn't like the way it makes her feel. It's been 5 years and this is nothing new. According the OP they HAVE talked about it but she hasn't given him an answer that he finds acceptable. She's expressed her feelings perfectly. Now the ball is in his court. He can decide to accept the answer that she gave him or he can keep asking and continue to get the same answer....and continue to feel resentment.

I speak from experience. When I first came here to "fix" my husband's erectile dysfunction, the advice was be supportive. Don't keep badgering him. Let him figure out how to fix it. I didn't take the advice because I too felt that I didn't have to accept his current state. That he owed me an explanation. I pressed him to seek therapy and to seek help from doctors. All it did was build a huge wall between us. 7 years later we divorced and I'm sure how I handled the ed was the pebble that snowballed . Would I have ended up divorced if I had been supportive? Probably but at least I would have known I did everything I could have to salvage it beforehand. 

OP can ask and hope he gets a satisfactory answer but I don't think that's going to happen. This is who she is now. He can decide whether or not the pros of having her in his life outweigh the cons of not being able to fondle her breasts during sex. But I do recommend he find a way to manage his resentment.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

My money is on menopause.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Lila said:


> You must have missed the part where I said "_If you choose to stay with your wife _. She has communicated why she doesn't want him fondling her breasts....she doesn't like the way it makes her feel. It's been 5 years and this is nothing new. According the OP they HAVE talked about it but she hasn't given him an answer that he finds acceptable. She's expressed her feelings perfectly. Now the ball is in his court. He can decide to accept the answer that she gave him or he can keep asking and continue to get the same answer....and continue to feel resentment.
> 
> I speak from experience. When I first came here to "fix" my husband's erectile dysfunction, the advice was be supportive. Don't keep badgering him. Let him figure out how to fix it. I didn't take the advice because I too felt that I didn't have to accept his current state. That he owed me an explanation. I pressed him to seek therapy and to seek help from doctors. All it did was build a huge wall between us. 7 years later we divorced and I'm sure how I handled the ed was the pebble that snowballed . Would I have ended up divorced if I had been supportive? Probably but at least I would have known I did everything I could have to salvage it beforehand.
> 
> OP can ask and hope he gets a satisfactory answer but I don't think that's going to happen. This is who she is now. He can decide whether or not the pros of having her in his life outweigh the cons of not being able to fondle her breasts during sex. But I do recommend he find a way to manage his resentment.


I would suggest it’s very difficult to be supportive if you don’t know what you’re supporting. The fact that she refuses to talk about this issue with him is a massive problem.

I don’t think it’s reasonable for one partner to unilaterally re-define the sexual dynamics of the relationship. And suddenly deciding five years ago that a key intimate area of her body is now off-limits to her husband qualifies.

Yes, he can choose to leave her if he is not OK with this new reality (which may be a consideration because this is about way more than just breasts). 
But he clearly doesn’t want to leave his wife. What he does want is for her to be his intimate partner, and her cutting off a key element of her body (and refusing to talk with him openly about it or offer any explanation) is seriously damaging that intimacy. And she doesn’t seem to care.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

DudeInProgress said:


> I would suggest it’s very difficult to be supportive if you don’t know what you’re supporting. The fact that she refuses to talk about this issue with him is a massive problem.
> 
> I don’t think it’s reasonable for one partner to unilaterally re-define the sexual dynamics of the relationship. And suddenly deciding five years ago that a key intimate area of her body is now off-limits to her husband qualifies.
> 
> ...


I never claimed it was reasonable. We can sit here and argue about whether OP's wife is damaging the intimacy and is being uncaring but at the end of the day, it won't matter because she has given her reason for not wanting her breasts fondled. All OP can do is take it or leave it. Since he doesn't want to leave her, then he needs to live with it which means dealing with his feelings in a productive way. 

The truth is he can stomp his feet, talk to her about giving him an answer he finds acceptable, demand she seek therapy or medical intervention to "fix" her, and/or give him access to her breasts so that he can get sexually aroused but all of that will backfire unless SHE wants to do it. Since she hasn't taken the initiative after five years, i doubt she's going to start now. 

@DudeInProgress life isn't fair. People change. The only thing we have control over is the choices we make but all choices have consequences. Consequences that we must accept if we have any hope of being content. That's my point.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Livvie said:


> I was waiting for someone to blame it on menopause. I wasn't disappointed.
> 
> Millions-- billions-- of women have entered premenopause and not cut off their partner from touching or even looking at their breasts.
> 
> So the problem isn't "menopause", the problem is some individual problem she is having.


Well, there was a time during her 60s when wife said that the sensatiom of me touching her nipples was distracting to her concentrating on her orgasm. So focused there for foreplay. Then about 5 years later it changed that touching them as she approached climax "enhanced" and tipped her over the edge. So went from hands on to hands off to hands ( and mouth ) on in few years.

Most concerning in OP case is for some reason his wife wont tell him the issue.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> Most concerning in OP case is for some reason his wife wont tell him the issue.


Couldn't agree more. I suppose the wife is fully within her right to say no to something, but it has to be accompanied by some reason. Touching of breasts isn't some fringe sexual act. Honestly, I can't quite envision how you can accomplish even reasonably good sex while avoiding such an upfront and in your face part of the body. This would require more than a simple "I don't want you to" as an explanation. If I'm not mistaken the OP may have even said she doesn't want her to look at them. There is obviously something going on with her and it may require outside help. This is no different than the ED issue someone mentioned. If I had ED I don't see how I couldn't fully discuss it with my wife. And I would fully expect her to support me and help me get help.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Did your W have a close relationship with someone which progressed to nipple sucking before she stopped it.

However if the above is true her breasts might belong to someone else in her mind.

Did she text anyone excessively?

I suspect this is true with my W and kissing passionately.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Dg1 said:


> She will let me fondle them through clothes but I feel her tense up so I back off.


As the saying goes, 'All behavior is communication.'

Do you touch her breasts the same way each time that you notice her tense up? ...Is there a certain way of touching her which then might determine this reaction? Have you ever noticed her tensing up and then simply asked, 'I feel like you're tensing up when I touch you here / this way. Am I reading this right, and what can I do differently?'

Have you noticed her tense up with other interactions between you? I don't know, like, when you're kissing the back of her neck or hugging / kissing or whatever?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Sorry, I'm not sure if you've already responded to a question like this but have you also relayed to her how sexy ALL of her body is to you? And how beautiful / sexy her shape is? (or maybe relayed in a sexier way, but you get the gist). Verbal appreciation, as well as kissing, licking, and such various aspects of her body? I don't mean to put the responsibility on you, by the way. I'm with the others about the gap in communication and her shutting you out in this way, in terms of not wanting or feeling like she can discuss whatever it's about with you.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

It may be that she no longer likes her breasts being fondled. It could be technique, it could just be that she has changed - which doesn't mean she had previously 'lied', it could be this and that and a third. It does sound like as a couple some additional support could be helpful.

And here's a real left-field question, anything external to her that might have impacted this change as in sexual assault / harassment / trauma?


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Lila said:


> My ex husband started having erectile dysfunction at the ripe old age of 36 (iirc).


At least you knew the reason why, this guy doesn't know why! 

It's worrisome they can't communicate about sex and their bodies. She doesn't want him to even look at her breasts, this is very strange to me. It's also strange it's been going on for 5 years!


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

I didn't read all the replies....

The feeling I am getting is one of two possibilities...Or maybe a combination of the two...Perhaps this is the early version of the complete pullback of all sex on her part...Like maybe she really isn't into the sex anymore, and rather than cut it off cold, she took this small measure, maybe in the hopes that he would back off on his own, without her having to kick his boner in entirely...

The other issue is maybe it's something of a "tactile aversion" of sorts...She may be bothered by it or unnerved by it...She may have tolerated it for some time, but now that she's started the "pull back" (hence why I say maybe it's a combination),its gotten to be annoying as hell to her...

Just some thoughts...I can't say this with authority, only to suggest that when people are into sex with another, mild pain, discomforts, whatever are never considered..Not IME, anyway...The end always justified the means, so that's why I say there is a deeper rooted issue here, and the stance she has taken with the breasts off limits is merely a smokescreen or a diversion...


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

hamadryad said:


> I didn't read all the replies....


Your fine is on its way.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Livvie said:


> I've never heard of: my wife suddenly stopped letting me see or touch her breasts at age 43 (OP says this started 5 years ago) because menopause 🙄


Just because you never heard of it, it doesn't mean "it never happens"... maybe that's the reason. Please note the "maybe"... not it is...


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

If my wife wouldn't want me to touch her breast during sex and she refused to tell me why, I wouldn't want to have sex with her. She has the right obviously not to have her breasts touched, but with no explanation it would be just hurtful.


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## Absentminded (Aug 28, 2019)

heartsbeating said:


> And here's a real left-field question, anything external to her that might have impacted this change as in sexual assault / harassment / trauma?


This is what came to my mind too and may explain why the OP’s wife does not want to discuss the reason for her not wanting to be touched there anymore. I really hope that this isn’t the case though and there is a less traumatic reason. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

pastasauce79 said:


> At least you knew the reason why, this guy doesn't know why!
> 
> It's worrisome they can't communicate about sex and their bodies. She doesn't want him to even look at her breasts, this is very strange to me. It's also strange it's been going on for 5 years!


A) ED happens. The question is why. I never really got the why. Just that it was happening and I needed to accept it. That's it. 

B) And oh course this is an odd situation but it's been going on for 5 years. He's been dealing with this for 5 years. Maybe if they had addressed it with therapy back in year 1 or 2 or 3, it wouldn't be an issue now but that's not likely to happen now. She isn't going to change it until she wants to. Is this strange? Yes but it is what it is. OP can continue to ask the same question over and over, and he can continue to express is displeasure with her actions but all it is going to do is make him (and her) more and more resentful. If he's not careful, this resentment will bleed into the good parts of his relationship with his wife.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I think the explanation is very simple: she doesn't like her breasts and doesn't want them to be touched. She said so. And she lost the weight, but obviously, she still doesn't like them. My wife, for example, was ok with her breasts, but she didn't want me to touch her belly... and I didn't. Ok, I guess it's not like not being able to touch breasts... but still...


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Lila said:


> I think instead of focusing on HER reasons for not wanting you to touch them, I think you'd be better served by figuring why it's so important to YOU.


Why?
1) he is a guy
2) he likes titties

this is not rocket science. it sounds like the problem is squarely on HER shoulders.

to the OP, does she also say things like "Why are you always groping me", when instead you are just trying to pay attention to her, and to get her sexually arroused?
Seems like that is a real common theme in today's literature foisted onto women, and some believe it hook line and sinker: that they have to deny any advance their husband makes on them.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Talker67 said:


> Why?
> 1) he is a guy
> 2) he likes titties


That's great. He can like titties all he wants but she doesn't like her titties, or at least doesn't want them fondled. He's said he doesn't get pleasure from fondling her if it's not something pleasurable to her too. So yeah, if she doesn't want her tits fondled and he doesn't want to fondle her solely for his oleasure but he's still upset about that, then he needs to figure out the disconnect there.



> this is not rocket science. it sounds like the problem is squarely on HER shoulders.


Who cares who's right and wrong. The end game is that she doesn't want them fondled. OP knows this and can decide how to proceed with the knowledge at hand. 



> Seems like that is a real common theme in today's literature foisted onto women, and some believe it hook line and sinker: that they have to deny any advance their husband makes on them.


If you truly believe that bodily autonomy and sexual consent, even in marriage are a negative and not a positive, then I sure hope you never have someone close to you affected by marital rape or physical abuse. 

My apologies OP for my threadjack. I do hope that however you choose to move forward, that you get the desired results. It's a tough situation for sure. Please keep us posted as to your progress. Good luck.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

Looking at your ages, my first thought was perimenopause.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Lila said:


> That's great. He can like titties all he wants but she doesn't like her titties, or at least doesn't want them fondled. He's said he doesn't get pleasure from fondling her if it's not something pleasurable to her too. So yeah, if she doesn't want her tits fondled and he doesn't want to fondle her solely for his oleasure but he's still upset about that, then he needs to figure out the disconnect there.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


The end game is not really the fact she doesn't want him to see or touch her breasts.

The real problem is why she won't tell him why she doesn't want him touching or seeing her breasts.

Period. 

Not indicating who's in any perceived right or wrong, that may not apply.

But the obvious huge problem is after all these years this happens and she won't communicate the why, with H.

Objectively this seems like she should start to talk to him, letting fear of judgement or ramifications stand in the way, which will continue the divide, or she doesn't feel comfortable saying, which again shows larger M problems.

For simplistic reasons, she could just tell him why. After all, they're long married.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> For simplistic reasons, she could just tell him why. After all, they're long married.


To be fair, she did tell him. But he doesn't like the answer or doesn't understand it (because she lost weight and she still doesn't want him to see them or touch them) and therefore he keeps pestering her and she doesn't want to talk about it any more. Whatever it is, it's her body... if he can't get a satisfactory answer out of her or she refuses to talk about it, he knows what to do. Unfortunately, he has excluded divorce, so he is stuck.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> The end game is not really the fact she doesn't want him to see or touch her breasts.
> 
> The real problem is why she won't tell him why she doesn't want him touching or seeing her breasts.
> 
> ...


Agreed. I just can't understand how they can just have this large elephant in the room and never be able to talk about it. Something is going on and he deserves to know.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> The end game is not really the fact she doesn't want him to see or touch her breasts.
> 
> The real problem is why she won't tell him why she doesn't want him touching or seeing her breasts.
> 
> ...


So instead of making the OP a case study, and telling him "your wife needs to tell you why" because obviously we can't force people to do anything.....what actionable things would you suggest to the OP to get the desired results he wants?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Dg1 said:


> You misunderstood and read WAY too much into that (I probably could have worded it better) I don’t want any control over when she is aroused. I was saying that I only enjoy touching her when she enjoys it too.
> Do you enjoy touching people who don’t want you to? Of course not (I hope).


Just be aware that there is a common dynamic that many people struggle with regarding sexuality. It usually surrounds the dynamic of wanting to feel wanted that drives sexual validation and pleasure. 

So imagine yourself in a position where your wife ONLY derives pleasure from watching you orgasm, but during the process she may have no desire for you to pleasure her. She can get A LOT of validation and feel good about herself by pleasing you if you allow her to do it. Call it the gift of giving. Now imagine you feel the exact same way in that you ONLY derive your pleasure by pleasing her. You want to touch her breasts, but can't enjoy it unless she gets pleasure from it. Believe it or not, that scenario happens to a lot of people. 

Ultimately sex has to evolve to a situation to where you and your wife stop pleasing each other and transition to selfishly pleasing yourselves in a way that is shared with one another. She needs to have the self confidence to say that perhaps she enjoys more the anticipation of you touching her breasts much more so than you actually touching them (if that is what she likes). You need to not only respect that, but perhaps take it a step further and encourage it. Perhaps buy her a sexy padded bra that if you touch it, that she can't feel anything. Then you can tease her about the fact that you will not touch her breasts even if she starts to beg you to do it. What if THAT is what she wants and if you allow her to be selfish and share that with you.... you get what you want, but on her terms of how she wants to selfishly enjoy things. 

Hope that makes sense. You seriously ought to give that a try!

Badsanta


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Found an article that may be helpful. It is addressing a woman who doesn't like her breasts touched and is asking for help. It isn't exactly the same situation as the OP since his wife seems to just clam up when asked about. Maybe she could gain something from reading it. 









I Hate It When My Husband Touches Me THERE


"I hate my breasts being touched"--or something else being touched. If you hate something sexually that most people like, can you change? Some tips.




tolovehonorandvacuum.com


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> The end game is not really the fact she doesn't want him to see or touch her breasts.
> 
> The real problem is why she won't tell him why she doesn't want him touching or seeing her breasts.
> 
> ...


it could be anything.
She may be getting breast bondage done by a dom somewhere else, and does not want him to see the scars.
She may have OCD
She may be hyper sensitive to any breast touching.
She may just be pissed at him and wishes he goes away and stops bothering her.

This is really going to require figuring out WHY, before a solution might be found. And if she refuses to talk about it...well....no progress will be had.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Lila said:


> So instead of making the OP a case study, and telling him "your wife needs to tell you why" because obviously we can't force people to do anything.....what actionable things would you suggest to the OP to get the desired results he wants?


You mean like this part of what I shared:

"Objectively this seems like she should start to talk to him, letting fear of judgement or ramifications stand in the way, which will continue the divide."

Everyone has already shared what to try, to get her to loosen up or ease some touching back into the relationship.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

@Lila , 
This is where they're at.
H: please share with me why you don't want me to see or touch your breasts.

W: No.

H: please tell me what I can do to help you understand we've been married a long time, you know you can trust me to have only concern for your best interests and well being emotionally as my utmost concern.

W: No.

H: I don't understand and would like to because I love and value you physically and as a whole person emotionally, and it hurts me that you won't tell me what's going on with you. Not specifically sexually but specifically as the whole person your are, my dear wife.

W: No.

Is that not the scenario?

Therapists, different approaches in touch, clothing, concern about anything traumatic happening, increased communication of love, empathy, compassion; all have been brought up as things to try.

What's left?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> @Lila ,
> This is where they're at.
> H: please share with me why you don't want me to see or touch your breasts.
> 
> ...


I fixed it for you...


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## Dg1 (May 25, 2021)

heartsbeating said:


> As the saying goes, 'All behavior is communication.'
> 
> Do you touch her breasts the same way each time that you notice her tense up? ...Is there a certain way of touching her which then might determine this reaction? Have you ever noticed her tensing up and then simply asked, 'I feel like you're tensing up when I touch you here / this way. Am I reading this right, and what can I do differently?'
> 
> Have you noticed her tense up with other interactions between you? I don't know, like, when you're kissing the back of her neck or hugging / kissing or whatever?


When I ask her she says nothing is wrong or that she’s just super ticklish for some reason. I once told her that she is shutting down a part of her body from me and that I want to know if I have done something wrong, or am currently doing something wrong. She told me nothing is wrong. 
Another time I told her that it was hard for me to know how to touch her because she won’t communicate with me on this. She told me nothing is wrong again.

However, she has moved my hand, she will always tense up, she comes to bed with her breasts wrapped up like Fort Knox..... Something is 100% wrong.


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## Dg1 (May 25, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Agreed. I just can't understand how they can just have this large elephant in the room and never be able to talk about it. Something is going on and he deserves to know.


I need to know even if (especially if) it’s me.


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## Dg1 (May 25, 2021)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> @Lila ,
> This is where they're at.
> H: please share with me why you don't want me to see or touch your breasts.
> 
> ...


Thats very accurate.
I kind of think it’s that she doesn’t feel attracted to me anymore but loves me and doesn’t want to say so. It’s brutal to type those words...but I suspect this is whats going on.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Maybe she doesn't like having her breasts touched any more? No real reason.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Dg1 said:


> Thats very accurate.
> I kind of think it’s that she doesn’t feel attracted to me anymore but loves me and doesn’t want to say so. It’s brutal to type those words...but I suspect this is whats going on.


She wouldn't have sex with you at all or she would find excuses not to have sex with you. It doesn't make sense she doesn't allow you to touch her breasts but the rest is ok...


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## Dg1 (May 25, 2021)

badsanta said:


> Just be aware that there is a common dynamic that many people struggle with regarding sexuality. It usually surrounds the dynamic of wanting to feel wanted that drives sexual validation and pleasure.
> 
> So imagine yourself in a position where your wife ONLY derives pleasure from watching you orgasm, but during the process she may have no desire for you to pleasure her. She can get A LOT of validation and feel good about herself by pleasing you if you allow her to do it. Call it the gift of giving. Now imagine you feel the exact same way in that you ONLY derive your pleasure by pleasing her. You want to touch her breasts, but can't enjoy it unless she gets pleasure from it. Believe it or not, that scenario happens to a lot of people.
> 
> ...


It makes sense, but I feel so awkward right now. Feeling awkward is tough for me because through the years sex has always been so easy and natural. Once things get extremely awkward the fear of rejection starts messing with my mind. 
I’m not in a really confident place now - and that sucks because a non-confident man isn’t very attractive 😂


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## Dg1 (May 25, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> Maybe she doesn't like having her breasts touched any more? No real reason.


I think that everything has a reason. I really do.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Dg1 said:


> Thats very accurate.
> I kind of think it’s that she doesn’t feel attracted to me anymore but loves me and doesn’t want to say so. It’s brutal to type those words...but I suspect this is whats going on.


I disagree if she is still having sex with you. I know the older I get the more self conscious I have become about my boobs. Gravity is a *****. On my back they fall to the side. They are large and heavy and it is uncomfortable. I also don’t have the same sensitivity as I once did. I think you may be making too much out of this.


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## Dg1 (May 25, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> She wouldn't have sex with you at all or she would find excuses not to have sex with you. It doesn't make sense she doesn't allow you to touch her breasts but the rest is ok...


Yeah... that’s why I’m in here talking to you guys. It makes no sense logically. I’m going to talk to here again about it soon.
We just had a high stress situation come up with one of our children yesterday, so I am going to let that get worked through - then I am going to re-visit this. If she says nothing is wrong I guess I’ll just keep doing what we are doing.
I don’t like sex as much now because of the not knowing why...


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Dg1 said:


> When I ask her she says nothing is wrong or that she’s just super ticklish for some reason. I once told her that she is shutting down a part of her body from me and that I want to know if I have done something wrong, or am currently doing something wrong. She told me nothing is wrong.
> Another time I told her that it was hard for me to know how to touch her because she won’t communicate with me on this. She told me nothing is wrong again.
> 
> However, she has moved my hand, she will always tense up, she comes to bed with her breasts wrapped up like Fort Knox..... Something is 100% wrong.


I think the super tickish is prob not true but can you ask her if you can at least see them even if you can't touch?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Dg1 said:


> Yeah... that’s why I’m in here talking to you guys. It makes no sense logically. I’m going to talk to here again about it soon.
> We just had a high stress situation come up with one of our children yesterday, so I am going to let that get worked through - then I am going to re-visit this. If she says nothing is wrong I guess I’ll just keep doing what we are doing.
> I don’t like sex as much now because of the not knowing why...


If she says nothing is wrong then you say if nothing is wrong how about we go back to how things were?


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## Dg1 (May 25, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> I disagree if she is still having sex with you. I know the older I get the more self conscious I have become about my boobs. Gravity is a ***. On my back they fall to the side. They are large and heavy and it is uncomfortable. I also don’t have the same sensitivity as I once did. I think you may be making too much out of this.


Even though I love boobs, the shadow of why the no communication and why the sudden stop ..... it looms over me 
I feel like she doesn’t like me and that impacts my ability to be aroused. I haven’t failed to perform, but I feel like that is something that will happen soon.


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## Dg1 (May 25, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> I think the super tickish is prob not true but can you ask her if you can at least see them even if you can't touch?


I don’t feel like I can ask her that. It’s gotten so bad that I know the reaction will be bad someway..... but I think I will ask anyway. I need to get some kind of understanding of whats going on.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Dg1 said:


> Even though I love boobs, the shadow of why the no communication and why the sudden stop ..... it looms over me
> I feel like she doesn’t like me and that impacts my ability to be aroused. I haven’t failed to perform, but I feel like that is something that will happen soon.


How does she behave outside of the boob issue? I mean is she active in the love making? Enthusiastic otherwise?


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## Dg1 (May 25, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> If she says nothing is wrong then you say if nothing is wrong how about we go back to how things were?


So this kind of happened one time. 
She said nothing was wrong and I just resumed ‘as if’ nothing was wrong. It was like making love to a corpse. Even though she is my wife and she said to go back to normal - I felt like a molester. It was horrible.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Dg1 said:


> Thats very accurate.
> I kind of think it’s that she doesn’t feel attracted to me anymore but loves me and doesn’t want to say so. It’s brutal to type those words...but I suspect this is whats going on.


Then maybe YOU say this exact thing to her and don't let her brush you off. You should be honest how much this is affecting you and your overall emotional attachment to her...

EDT:
You should also ask -- what has happened in the last 5 years for this to be the case now? Did something happen 5 years ago? Did I do something 5 years ago that you are holding a grudge for.

You are married and need honesty in communications. Sometimes even brutal honesty...


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## Dg1 (May 25, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> How does she behave outside of the boob issue? I mean is she active in the love making? Enthusiastic otherwise?


She has always been very willing but not super active. She will go down on me and so on, but she never has been an aggressor in bed (Although she will initiate sex often).
But she is very open to us having sex. No hesitation at all.


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## Dg1 (May 25, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> Then maybe YOU say this exact thing to her and don't let her brush you off. You should be honest how much this is affecting you and your overall emotional attachment to her...


I agree. That’s hard to do but I think you’re right.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Dg1 said:


> She has always been very willing but not super active. She will go down on me and so on, but she never has been an aggressor in bed (Although she will initiate sex often).
> But she is very open to us having sex. No hesitation at all.


If that is the case I think it may just be her being self conscious. It’s not something she can accurately explain.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Dg1 said:


> I am going to re-visit this. If she says nothing is wrong I guess I’ll just keep doing what we are doing.


This is classic stonewalling, and it is a pyscological technique that is known to damage a relationship, you don't want stonewalling to be an acceptable part of how you communicate with a spouse... that is why you need to address this.

I think you need to tell her that it is obvious something is wrong, and that she can take a couple of days to figure out what she wants to say if she needs time, but that she will need to tell you what is going on.

Do not allow stonewalling in your relationship.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Torninhalf said:


> If that is the case I think it may just be her being self conscious. It’s not something she can accurately explain.


Then she should at least say that -- directly.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

jlg07 said:


> Then she should at least say that -- directly.


Perhaps. I’m sure she knows she will hear I love your boobs. You are sexy etc. It won’t change how she is feeling about it.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

In Absentia said:


> I fixed it for you...


Been brought up already in thread. Old news.

Here's a new question for you - when a spouse says I don't feel good about myself...so I'll withhold what we both know is helpful communication and anything I want to keep from you....

How many years does that fly?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

In Absentia said:


> To be fair, she did tell him. But he doesn't like the answer or doesn't understand it (because she lost weight and she still doesn't want him to see them or touch them) and therefore he keeps pestering her and she doesn't want to talk about it any more. Whatever it is, it's her body... if he can't get a satisfactory answer out of her or she refuses to talk about it, he knows what to do. Unfortunately, he has excluded divorce, so he is stuck.


Gaslighting much?

As in.... I was too heavy, don't touch, I've lost too much weight, don't touch?

Not harshly meant but bluntly stated, agreed.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> @Lila ,
> This is where they're at.
> H: please share with me why you don't want me to see or touch your breasts.
> 
> ...



You seem to think I'm taking sides on this issue. I completely agree that there isn't much else to be done. OPs wife has made it clear she doesn't want her breasts touched. It's now up to the OP to decide if he wants to stay in this relationship, with the restrictions in place as is. He has a choice to make. There are positives and negatives to either choice. If he chooses to stay then I recommend he work with someone to help keep the resentment at bay because he'll be miserable if he lets that monster loose.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Dg1 said:


> It makes sense, but I feel so awkward right now. Feeling awkward is tough for me because through the years sex has always been so easy and natural. Once things get extremely awkward the *fear of rejection starts messing with my mind. *
> I’m not in a really confident place now - and that sucks because a non-confident man isn’t very attractive 😂


Sexuality in a long term marriage is about pushing one's self development to either make or brake you. You can't just stroll down life on easy street for as long as you want. At some point you have to level up and become a man. You stay together simply because you each want to and not because you are afraid of being abandoned. 

When a couple meets for the first time they are independent. 

As a couple is married they might become codependent, and when this happens intimacy declines until differentiation improves which allows you to be close again. By differentiation I mean your ability as a couple to be very close and yet maintain very distinct and functional independent personalities. This means that you would be perfectly happy to separate for a period of time if needed, or you might even find yourself enjoying you time alone just as much as being together. The result of which means you have something fun and positive to share about yourself when you do spend time together and vice versa. You each choose to share that with each other. 

So you need to work towards embracing yourself as an independent person. Then you will not have a fear of abandonment and you can be fully intimate with your wife on her terms in a way that you both enjoy.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Dg1 said:


> However, she has moved my hand, she will always tense up, she comes to bed with her breasts wrapped up like Fort Knox..... Something is 100% wrong.


Yes, it is. You keep trying to touch her where she doesn't want to be touched. 

I get that you want to be able to find the grander meaning in all of it, but if she assures you that you've done nothing wrong, it is out of your control. How long do you think making your wife tense up in bed with you is going to fly before she loses interest in sex with you completely?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Dg1 said:


> Do you enjoy touching people who don’t want you to? Of course not (I hope).


Let me paint a picture of what this might look like and how it can be enjoyed. Imagine if you will that you just spent the whole day home alone and binging on porn. You enjoyed so much self gratification that you left yourself feeling a bit soar. 

Your wife comes home and she is horny as all get out and wants you to satisfy her. You explain what happened with you day and that unfortunately you can stick a fork in your penis because it is done for the day. She insists that is OK but that she still wants you to pleasure her however you can because she will enjoy being touched by you. She wants you completely naked so that she can feel your body next to hers and she tries to touch your penis because doing so gives her pleasure. You allow her to but explain that it is unlikely that you can reach climax for the 50th time on that day and for her to be gentle. You proceed to pleasure beyond belief with your hands and at some point become aroused yourself for some penetration but allow a vibrator to do most of the work. Your wife enjoys your efforts and thanks you for being a wonderful husband. 

Now according to your philosophy, your wife should reject any attempt for a scenario like this to happen because you don't want her to touch you? Like seriously it would be a horrible thing for her to attempt. Or is there a slight possibility that you could see yourself actually enjoying this scenario? If so, you contradict yourself! 

Now I am not encourage you to touch someone that does not want to be touched. I am advocating that you find a way to get consent to do so and understand that if granted that it will only be for your pleasure. If roles were reversed, you might be able to understand and appreciate the dynamics a little. 

Why does your wife not want you to touch her breasts. Well because for whatever reason (she may not understand herself), it feels uncomfortable. Would she let you do it in a loving way if you asked her to and admitted that you needed to do so for your own pleasure and that you will be gentle to not make her feel uncomfortable. Well she might actually encourage you to do that if you asked her in that manner. 

Badsanta


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

I'll toss this into the conversation as well....

What if at a recent doctor's appointment your wife got some concerning news about her breasts and needs to have some tests done? What if she has a biopsy scar that she doesn't want you to see and that she is not ready to talk to you about it yet? What if she has not been to the doctor but suddenly there is something about the way her breasts feel that has her very worried and afraid to go to the doctor? 

And there you are just wanting to get your jollies!


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

badsanta said:


> I'll toss this into the conversation as well....
> 
> What if at a recent doctor's appointment your wife got some concerning news about her breasts and needs to have some tests done? What if she has a biopsy scar that she doesn't want you to see and that she is not ready to talk to you about it yet? What if she has not been to the doctor but suddenly there is something about the way her breasts feel that has her very worried and afraid to go to the doctor?
> 
> And there you are just wanting to get your jollies!


Which doesn't make a whole lot of practical sense, because as a loving spouse it's certain the H is there for support during health and medical problems of any kind. 

Surely the H is on the HIPPA docs as one to call in emergencies and approved to share medical records and care with.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Which doesn't make a whole lot of practical sense, because as a loving spouse it's certain the H is there for support during health and medical problems of any kind.
> 
> Surely the H is on the HIPPA docs as one to call in emergencies and approved to share medical records and care with.


Well if we are talking about a a really sore spot that has persisted and has not yet been checked by a doctor, you could have a situation where she is hoping for it to just go away before mustering up the courage to see a doctor. 

However she should have the courage to talk about it if this is the case for emotional support. A good question to ask is how supportive is the OP when it comes to going to the doctor. He very well could be one of those husbands infuriated by skyrocketing medical bills and rants nonstop about the medical industry. 

Perhaps best to stop here regarding medical issues as it is all speculation at this point. Otherwise the we might scare the OP to the point of needing a change of underwear.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

In Absentia said:


> She wouldn't have sex with you at all or she would find excuses not to have sex with you. It doesn't make sense she doesn't allow you to touch her breasts but the rest is ok...


It really does kinda make sense if you think about it, though....

My gut feeling by what the OP is expressing in his original posts and ensuing answers is..

She can't just shut down entirely_ at this time_(even though deep down she probably wants to and hopes he would back off), because if she does, then that would create the firestorm...This is a stall tactic, a diversion of sorts...She doesn't want to deal with it now, for whatever reason...This is the way she has chosen to handle it...

I don't know why a lot of posters are demanding some form of discussion about the issues...Sure, that would be nice, but .IME, sex isn't something you generally "talk" about even when everything is going hog wild...Any pullback of any kind speaks for itself...Actions are speaking louder than words...And no one wants to be "cornered' about this stuff...

If she does "talk" about it, then there is probably a 90+ % chance that it won't be the real truth...Because people know in this area the truth hurts people....Badly....Permanently.....I've lied about this myself....More than once...

I can't speak for the OP, I only know what I would do...I'd pull back and leave her alone when it comes to sex...See what happens...If she questions the reasons, then say..."well, you recoil when I touch your tits and so I figured there was some reason that you didn't want the intimacy"...Then see where the discussion goes....If she never asks anything about not having sex anymore, and goes about her business, then you have your answer...She's done...she lost attraction, drive, whatever and does not want to actively address it...Ball in the OP's court...


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

hamadryad said:


> I can't speak for the OP, I only know what I would do...I'd pull back and leave her alone when it comes to sex...See what happens...If she questions the reasons, then say..."well, you recoil when I touch your tits and so I figured there was some reason that you didn't want the intimacy"...Then see where the discussion goes....If she never asks anything about not having sex anymore, and goes about her business, then you have your answer...She's done...she lost attraction, drive, whatever and does not want to actively address it...Ball in the OP's court...


Yeah, I think this is a good call.


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## CN2622 (Mar 22, 2021)

I don’t like my breast touched either but it doesn’t mean I don’t love my husband. I don’t know if pulling away is a great idea but maybe it’s the only way for her to see what she is missing?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

badsanta said:


> Well if we are talking about a a really sore spot that has persisted and has not yet been checked by a doctor, you could have a situation where she is hoping for it to just go away before mustering up the courage to see a doctor.
> 
> However she should have the courage to talk about it if this is the case for emotional support. A good question to ask is how supportive is the OP when it comes to going to the doctor. He very well could be one of those husbands infuriated by skyrocketing medical bills and rants nonstop about the medical industry.
> 
> Perhaps best to stop here regarding medical issues as it is all speculation at this point. Otherwise the we might scare the OP to the point of needing a change of underwear.


I think it v unlikely that is the case. Most women are pretty good at getting things checked out medically.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Deleted, so we can stop this...


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

OP why dont you write her a letter saying all the things that are causing you so much unhappiness. Maybe she will be able to write things down rather than tell you face to face.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

In Absentia said:


> I think the mods had deleted our "exchange"... now you are reposting yours. I can see I touched a nerve there for some reason. I'll let it go, because I have no intention to get into a slanging match. Have a nice day.


I'll respond, because the information may help others out there.

You stated obviously I've never had such a spouse. I'm glad you think Mrs. R has super powers, because I think she does at times.

I've briefly shared before, Mrs. R has had two types of breast cancer and has a radical bilateral mastectomy and a bad infection in one section. Complete restorative surgery not an option.

Followed by partial then full hysterectomy after pre-cancerous growths recurring, removal after removal. Scars? Don't ask.

I say this because there are various types of body issues; one is when a woman is unhappy with changes due to lifestyle and age, another is when hurtful body changes are FORCED upon a woman and she has to choose how to deal with it.

So yes, women who have body issues due to normal life indeed have emotional, true, and valid feelings but can also grow in their maturity by understanding thinking about the big picture, and the choices they are fortunate to have in dealing with emotional insecurities. 

I rarely take time to refute others who are projecting when responding with attacks if disagreeing, because it's a waste of time, I really don't give a rat's behind and maybe I've touched a nerve they need to vent. All ok with me.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> I'll respond, because the information may help others out there.
> 
> You stated obviously I've never had such a spouse. I'm glad you think Mrs. R has super powers, because I think she does at times.
> 
> ...


That's fine, thanks for that. I was a bit rude too... so I deleted my original comment.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> I'll respond, because the information may help others out there.
> 
> You stated obviously I've never had such a spouse. I'm glad you think Mrs. R has super powers, because I think she does at times.
> 
> ...


@Lila 

You threatened to ban me for six months for posting this.

That's your call. If it happens, it's been real, folks.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

I have to say after reading and responding in this thread, I made it a point last night to thank my wife for being so open with me. Both in telling me what she does and doesn't want, and allowing me to touch her breasts and her body so freely. I should never take that intimacy for granted. None of us should.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

CN2622 said:


> I don’t like my breast touched either but it doesn’t mean I don’t love my husband. I don’t know if pulling away is a great idea but maybe it’s the only way for her to see what she is missing?


The husband doesn't know why she stopped liking it. It started 5 years ago. She hasn't said why. 

I hear what you say, but I can't understand it. My breasts, small and imperfect, are a great source of sexual pleasure. I would be very depressed if something happened to them.


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## CN2622 (Mar 22, 2021)

pastasauce79 said:


> The husband doesn't know why she stopped liking it. It started 5 years ago. She hasn't said why.
> 
> I hear what you say, but I can't understand it. My breasts, small and imperfect, are a great source of sexual pleasure. I would be very depressed if something happened to them.


I just hate when that is the only focus but I also am super shy and barely let my husband see me. Your post is inspiring me though to maybe explore.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> @Lila
> 
> You threatened to ban me for six months for posting this.
> 
> That's your call. If it happens, it's been real, folks.


Since you want to air out your dirty laundry let's get the facts straight. First of all, this was not the post I deleted not once, but twice. I warned you the first time after I deleted it. The second time I deleted it, I threatened you. I threatened you with 6 month ban AFTER you reposted the same post I had just deleted. Take the hint. When a moderator deletes your post with a warning it means don't post it again. 

Now please, just quit with this nonsense.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Dg1 said:


> My (50m) wife (48f) and I had a great sexual relationship for most of our marriage. Without going into details - I am 100% certain that it was satisfying for both of us. About 5 years ago (we’ve been married 29) she started not wanting me to touch her breasts as much and over time stopped letting me touch them altogether. It is a HUGE mood killer for me because it’s always like an elephant in the room. We typically communicate well, but she doesn’t want to say much about this.
> Her explanation started out that she doesn’t feel good about herself because she gained some weight. I understand and respect this.... but she’s lost the weight and nothing has changed. In fact it’s worse. Even thought I never push the issue she’s started coming to be with a sports bra under her pajama top.
> I really struggle to get erections because of this. Imagine a section of a persons body being off limits - now try to cuddle or be intimate without accidentally straying into the forbidden zone, if only by accident.
> I know that asking in a public forum gets you all manner of answers, but still, what can I do?
> I‘m not leaving her over something like this, but I’m really bothered by this and sex is never great for me anymore.


Why don't you have her play with her boobs? Maybe that would turn you on, and she's in control of the situation.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

CN2622 said:


> I just hate when that is the only focus but I also am super shy and barely let my husband see me. Your post is inspiring me though to maybe explore.


Just a quick point on this -- YOU have issues with your body, but I guarantee your H does NOT see it the same way. I bet he loves your body and would love to see more and explore more of it! Sorry for the quick T/J


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

CN2622 said:


> I just hate when that is the only focus but I also am super shy and barely let my husband see me. Your post is inspiring me though to maybe explore.


You should start your own thread. 

I'm not shy now. I think I was a little shy at the beginning of my marriage but sex felt so good the shyness went away very quickly.

No one is perfect. I've had two pregnancies and breastfed for like 3 years. My body is not perfect. My husband's body is not perfect either, but we have fun with our imperfect bodies. We just don't care how we look so much, because sex feels good. 

Maybe you should focus on how sex feels, instead of how your body looks.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

CN2622 said:


> I just hate when that is the only focus but I also am super shy and barely let my husband see me. Your post is inspiring me though to maybe explore.





jlg07 said:


> Just a quick point on this -- YOU have issues with your body, but I guarantee your H does NOT see it the same way. I bet he loves your body and would love to see more and explore more of it! Sorry for the quick T/J


I was going to say something similar. I know my wife has aspect of her body that she doesn't like and is self conscious about. I don't see it at all. I constantly remind how how much I love her as she is and that she is perfect. Over time it has made her much less self conscious around me and I think it has made her less self conscious all around.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> Just a quick point on this -- YOU have issues with your body, but I guarantee your H does NOT see it the same way. I bet he loves your body and would love to see more and explore more of it! Sorry for the quick T/J


No disrespect, but.....

Are people really supposed to feel better when someone else(who is biased or has an agenda)says something doesn't bother _them_, when in reality its really bothering the hell out of you?

I mean, remember when you got a horrible haircut and your mom would tell you that it "looked great!!"?? Did you just say..."ok thanks, now that you said that i feel great about this shytty haircut"? No...All; that did was piss you off even further...

Point being if someone has an issue with something_ about themselves_, then it really doesn't matter what someone else feels or thinks about it....

Most people can't make things just disappear like that...it doesn't work that way...


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

hamadryad said:


> No disrespect, but.....
> 
> Are people really supposed to feel better when someone else(who is biased or has an agenda)says something doesn't bother _them_, when in reality its really bothering the hell out of you?
> 
> ...


None offense taken at all.
Nope not trying to minimize her body issue.
My point is that WE are our own worst enemies with body issues. WE notice every little thing that we don't like. Women (and yes men also) I think sometimes feel "wow, I feel so ugly how can he be attracted to me" or "I hate this part - why does HE seem to like them". The reality is, I bet he IS attracted to her, and wouldn't think at ALL that "that part" or whatever is ugly. Love is much more than a physical thing as we all know. Imperfections are ALWAYS there, always will be, BUT they are not always the laser focus of everyone around you. I know it's hard to internalize that for most folks, but I really think it's true. 

IF HE HAS MADE derogatory comments about the body part or... then THAT is an entirely different ball game.


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## AGoodFlogging (Dec 19, 2020)

hamadryad said:


> No disrespect, but.....
> 
> Are people really supposed to feel better when someone else(who is biased or has an agenda)says something doesn't bother _them_, when in reality its really bothering the hell out of you?
> 
> ...


Which is why the other spouse is in an impossible position with regards to body image issues.

If you think about it objectively it is pretty sad that a spouse with body image issues will not only believe that their spouse is lying that it doesn't bother them, but will also get angry at their spouse for stating that. That is how ****ed up proper body image issues are and why, when it can't be solved by going back to the hairdresser's, professional support is often required.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Dg1 said:


> I don’t want any control over when she is aroused. I was saying that *I only enjoy touching her when she enjoys it too.*


This throws a different light on the problem. I'm calling BS. 

For whatever her true reason, she does not get anything out of you fondling her tits and subsequently obsessing over them. It can be seen as disrespect when you keep trying to get her to enjoy something she does not enjoy. You are upset that what worked for you for two decades no longer works to arouse her. And, you do enjoy the fondling with or without her enjoying it. Of course, you would prefer she pretend so that you can get your ego kibbles.

You are going to have to accept that your sexual dynamic has changed and change up your standard, go-to routine for getting yourself off. If you do have the convo, please accept her answer even if you think it's stupid or whatever.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> This throws a different light on the problem. I'm calling BS.


I wonder how many men would divorce their wife over not being able to touch her breasts any more. This is a serious question... well, kind of. But I'm curious.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

In Absentia said:


> I wonder how many men would divorce their wife over not being able to touch her breasts any more. This is a serious question... well, kind of. But I'm curious.


_Disclaimer: I am a big time breast toucher. I love them! Sometimes my wife will know I’m trying to get at them and she’ll adjust herself to make it possible. When she does this, it’s the best!!!_

Divorce?

I don’t know it wouldn’t be about the breasts it would be about her inability to tell me why. It’s easy for me to accept if she says, “Wow my breasts are tender and they feel bad when you touch them.” Ok, well I don’t want to hurt you. If she can’t explain it and just shuts it down after being a breast touching receiver for decades then yeah I would wonder about it.

Still, the problem would be the lack of communication and not the breast touching specifics.

I was trying to set a record for a post with the phrase “breast touching” in it, how’d I do?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

ccpowerslave said:


> _Disclaimer: I am a big time breast toucher. I love them! Sometimes my wife will know I’m trying to get at them and she’ll adjust herself to make it possible. When she does this, it’s the best!!!_
> 
> Divorce?
> 
> ...


You missed a couple opportunities. Back to the drawing board.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

ccpowerslave said:


> _Disclaimer: I am a big time breast toucher. I love them! Sometimes my wife will know I’m trying to get at them and she’ll adjust herself to make it possible. When she does this, it’s the best!!!_
> 
> I was trying to set a record for a post with the phrase “breast touching” in it, how’d I do?


You did quite well...  But you didn't answer the question... you said



> I don’t know it wouldn’t be about the breasts it would be about her inability to tell me why


Also, what do you mean with the first sentence? During sex?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

In Absentia said:


> You did quite well...  But you didn't answer the question... you said
> 
> 
> 
> Also, what do you mean with the first sentence? During sex?


Haha yes, although I will try a squeeze every once in a while if I can get her to make out in the kitchen and it’s usually quite a surprise for her. If you can’t get to second base in the kitchen with your own wife then something’s gone wrong.

As for the question no I would not divorce for access shutdown. I would consider divorcing for the lack of communication around any sexual shutdown including breasts.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

ccpowerslave said:


> Haha yes, although I will try a squeeze every once in a while if I can get her to make out in the kitchen and it’s usually quite a surprise for her. If you can’t get to second base in the kitchen with your own wife then something’s gone wrong.
> 
> As for the question no I would not divorce for access shutdown. I would consider divorcing for the lack of communication around any sexual shutdown including breasts.


Thanks for that...


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Dg1 said:


> *I‘m not leaving her over something like this*


It is statements like this that makes given advice to the situation very hard. In reality, if the individual in a relationship is not willing to stand up for him/herself and would want a magic wand to make make things OK because he/her is not willing to extricate out of the situation then whatever follows is a mute point.

The point is: if making sure that your wife clearly understand the pain and damage she's doing to you (which you haven't really done) by having the talk in a neutral or controlled setting, and then realizing that she will not do a thing (which really seems to be your future reality already here), then what's the point of your complain? you are not willing to do anything pass just complaining about. The only one you can control is you. if your wife is not willing to do a thing, then there's nothing you can do about it; only what YOU determine to do, and you are choosing to do nothing, which; to her is cake eating because she realizes that the "status quo" will be maintained and everything will be "hunky dory" as always.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

In Absentia said:


> I wonder how many men would divorce their wife over not being able to touch her breasts any more. This is a serious question... well, kind of. But I'm curious.


I'm still here, still married to a woman who can tolerate about 30 seconds of breast play. 

And yes, it's a drag.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I adore my wife's breasts, so I don't think I could bear it. Not that we are having sex any more, so it doesn't really matter now...


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Cletus said:


> I'm still here, still married to a woman who can tolerate about 30 seconds of breast play.
> 
> And yes, it's a drag.


Is it because they really are THAT sensitive, or, because she just doesn't want to be a very sexual being?


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## Twodecades (Apr 4, 2021)

I think there are two perspectives to this whole scenario. I'm not saying the following to be graphic but to illustrate: if the OP told his wife, "You can't touch my rear end, especially when we're having sex, and I'm going to utilize the fly in my boxers/underwear and keep covered during sex" and reminded her if she grabbed his butt cheeks during sex "don't touch there," it would probably be awkward to her. At least, it would be upsetting if my husband demanded that. I think it would be to most women. It's not a neutral zone. If he all of the sudden stopped allowing that and restricted access for years, I'd need to know why. I think OP and his wife owe it to themselves to understand that.

However, even though he married her with the expectation of a mutually fulfilling sexual relationship, he married HER, _not_ her breasts. If they are connecting with one another emotionally and having a sexual relationship (and she is working to help him with his arousal and he's willing to not fixate on her breasts and not make it a power play), if they are turning towards one another, I don't understand scrapping an entire marriage over the fact that she does not want her breasts touched.

We don't really understand all of the dynamics at play, though, and it sounds like OP is almost as much in the dark.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Livvie said:


> Is it because they really are THAT sensitive, or, because she just doesn't want to be a very sexual being?


I can only go by what I am told - that the physical sensation is not pleasant, and too much becomes quickly unpleasant. Which is the same reason I get for why the other areas are also off limits. 

I don't have any real reason to disbelieve that statement.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Every time I see the title of this thread, I think: _"Then don't"_


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I don’t like my breasts, and I am not comfortable showing them off either so I understand your wife. In my head they are ugly so I think that my partner will look at them and realize how ugly they really are and be turned off. Maybe If you straight up tell your wife that you love her boobs and they are such a turn on, and you struggle to get an erection when they are not out… maybe this will help her realize how much you really do love them.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Laurentium said:


> Every time I see the title of this thread, I think: _"Then don't"_


But then you miss out on one of life’s great pleasures, the boobie touch!


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> I wonder how many men would divorce their wife over not being able to touch her breasts any more. This is a serious question... well, kind of. But I'm curious.


I for sure wouldn't. For example, I could envision medical conditions that might make that painful to her or even cause her to not want me looking at them. I could imagine mental problems that might cause her to not want me paying any attention to them. My wife is more than any of her body parts. And my love for her doesn't depend on me being allowed to handle or ogle her boobs ( although I surely love to both )


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

ccpowerslave said:


> _Disclaimer: I am a big time breast toucher. I love them! Sometimes my wife will know I’m trying to get at them and she’ll adjust herself to make it possible. When she does this, it’s the best!!!_
> 
> Divorce?
> 
> ...


Six breastola stars, CCP! 4 singles and a double.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Laurentium said:


> Every time I see the title of this thread, I think: _"Then don't"_


Well, that does get right down to the nut of it, doesn't it? But alas, she is a mystery that must be solved.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> This throws a different light on the problem. I'm calling BS.
> 
> For whatever her true reason, she does not get anything out of you fondling her tits and subsequently obsessing over them. It can be seen as disrespect when you keep trying to get her to enjoy something she does not enjoy. You are upset that what worked for you for two decades no longer works to arouse her. And, you do enjoy the fondling with or without her enjoying it. Of course, you would prefer she pretend so that you can get your ego kibbles.
> 
> You are going to have to accept that your sexual dynamic has changed and change up your standard, go-to routine for getting yourself off. If you do have the convo, please accept her answer even if you think it's stupid or whatever.


I agree with this, somewhat. I get why you're disappointed, OP - but, she is uncomfortable with that aspect of her body during sex, but still enjoys sex with you. I'd continue communicating with her about it, but if the rest of your marriage is going very well...if this is truly the one and only aspect ''lacking'' for you...it seems foolish to ruin an entire marriage over it.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

ccpowerslave said:


> Haha yes, although I will try a squeeze every once in a while if I can get her to make out in the kitchen and it’s usually quite a surprise for her. If you can’t get to second base in the kitchen with your own wife then something’s gone wrong.
> 
> As for the question no I would not divorce for access shutdown. I would consider divorcing for the lack of communication around any sexual shutdown including breasts.


You just have to always consider the context, as I'm sure you do. For example I have heard more than one woman complain that somebody is grabbing at her all day, and those are women with young children. There are some women who when Mark you down for not understanding that you're already tired of being pawed at the moment.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Dg1 said:


> I get pleasure from it ONLY when it gives her pleasure, but having a forbidden zone literally front and center while we are intimate is damn near impossible for me to deal with.
> 
> I don’t know what it is that she has going on. She isn’t communicating much at all on this and (after many attempts on my part) it’s become something we both avoid talking about.


Is it possible she was violated and hasn’t told you about it?

I’d be wondering if this is the issue.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Rus47 said:


> I for sure wouldn't. For example, I could envision medical conditions that might make that painful to her or even cause her to not want me looking at them. I could imagine mental problems that might cause her to not want me paying any attention to them. My wife is more than any of her body parts. And my love for her doesn't depend on me being allowed to handle or ogle her boobs ( although I surely love to both )


I wasn't really talking about medical conditions or mental illness, I wouldn't divorce my wife because of that. Just that your wife doesn't want you to touch her breasts because maybe she is self conscious despite not being fat and being very attractive... a less serious problem...


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> You just have to always consider the context, as I'm sure you do. For example I have heard more than one woman complain that somebody is grabbing at her all day, and those are women with young children. There are some women who when Mark you down for not understanding that you're already tired of being pawed at the moment.


Yeah for sure. It’s just a matter of how much pre-heating the oven; sometimes that can be miscalculated.

If my wife grabs my ass or something and I’m not expecting it; it’s a much different experience.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

badsanta said:


> Let me paint a picture of what this might look like and how it can be enjoyed. Imagine if you will that you just spent the whole day home alone and binging on porn. You enjoyed so much self gratification that you left yourself feeling a bit soar.
> 
> Your wife comes home and she is horny as all get out and wants you to satisfy her. You explain what happened with you day and that unfortunately you can stick a fork in your penis because it is done for the day. She insists that is OK but that she still wants you to pleasure her however you can because she will enjoy being touched by you. She wants you completely naked so that she can feel your body next to hers and she tries to touch your penis because doing so gives her pleasure. You allow her to but explain that it is unlikely that you can reach climax for the 50th time on that day and for her to be gentle. You proceed to pleasure beyond belief with your hands and at some point become aroused yourself for some penetration but allow a vibrator to do most of the work. Your wife enjoys your efforts and thanks you for being a wonderful husband.
> 
> ...


dude, NEVER turn down sex!
If you are beat, the two of you take a slow sexy shower to get your mind into the right spot to do more. 

when you turn down sex, the rejection hurts your partner, no matter WHAT excuse you give them!


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

jlg07 said:


> Then maybe YOU say this exact thing to her and don't let her brush you off. You should be honest how much this is affecting you and your overall emotional attachment to her...
> 
> EDT:
> You should also ask -- what has happened in the last 5 years for this to be the case now? Did something happen 5 years ago? Did I do something 5 years ago that you are holding a grudge for.
> ...


Communication is not the issue. She knows perfectly well that this is a big issue for him - she just doesn’t care. 
And she knows perfectly well that she is deliberately obfuscating the issue - she just doesn’t care, and doesn’t want him.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

In Absentia said:


> I wonder how many men would divorce their wife over not being able to touch her breasts any more. This is a serious question... well, kind of. But I'm curious.


It would depend on the reasons why. In this case, there’s way more going on here.

It’s NOT like she is a passionate and sexual wife and lover in all other ways, but who has some explainable breast issue.

So yes, I would divorce my wife if she was not sexually into me and open with me- and we were unable to change that.
It would be a last resort, after stepping up efforts to work on myself, but yes. Because it goes beyond breasts.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Rob_1 said:


> It is statements like this that makes given advice to the situation very hard. In reality, if the individual in a relationship is not willing to stand up for him/herself and would want a magic wand to make make things OK because he/her is not willing to extricate out of the situation then whatever follows is a mute point.
> 
> The point is: if making sure that your wife clearly understand the pain and damage she's doing to you (which you haven't really done) by having the talk in a neutral or controlled setting, and then realizing that she will not do a thing (which really seems to be your future reality already here), then what's the point of your complain? you are not willing to do anything pass just complaining about. The only one you can control is you. if your wife is not willing to do a thing, then there's nothing you can do about it; only what YOU determine to do, and you are choosing to do nothing, which; to her is cake eating because she realizes that the "status quo" will be maintained and everything will be "hunky dory" as always.


Thank you. I get tired of saying it.


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