# Need some advice...



## dre43 (Feb 25, 2013)

Although, I know what the answer is. A little background. I'm not married, but may as well be. I hope it's ok that I'm here. I've been with my boyfriend for 6½ years. We have 2½ year old daughter together. There's a lot of stressful things going on in our lives right now... money, house, car and even the status of our relationship. He has been diagnosed with depression, anxiety and has panic attacks. He's a mess. He's taking medication and sees a counselor on a regular basis. I try to be as understanding as I can possibly be. I know he has problems. This past year has been real stressful for us and we both basically just gave up on us. We just existed in the same house. About a month ago, I felt like something was off. Call it intuition or whatever you like. Although, I hated doing it, I started going through his phone and emails. I had found some emails different women. He would just talk to them about what was going on with him. I was surprised that he even mentioned me. From what I read, it never looked like he ever met any one of them. Although, he had exchanged pictures and personal details of our lives. From one of the conversations, he had mentioned that he wanted things to be better between us. He had discussed a lot of things. After reading these emails, I got to thinking that I was part of the problem in our relationship. So, I had to make a decision whether I wanted to continue in a relationship with or not. I decided that I wanted to try and make it work. We discussed this. And we were on the same page. He wanted to try and make things work. At the same time, I found the emails, he had also had text messages with a "massage" therapist. So, for about a month things have been better. I continued to monitor his phone and emails. In doing so, I had also found some emails to transsexual "women". He was trying to set up something to be with various ones. From what I can tell, he has never ended up seeing any. Something always came up that he was unable to keep any appointments. The emails has stopped for awhile to them. However, he started trying to set something up with one. He had emailed at least 4 different ones this past Friday. Looks like he had finally got a hook up scheduled. But, something came up that he was unable to keep the appointment. Told her so too.

Now through all this, he confesses his love to me and that he has never cheated on me. And wants to spend his life with me. But, yet I know he is at least pursuing something. Eventually, I think, it will happen. I have been acting a little different since finding the latest emails. He has noticed and asked me why. I still haven't confronted him with what I know. I've given him every opportunity to tell me on his own. He is so straight faced through this all too. Do I just come out and tell him what I know? I've been documenting everything I've found. His behavior is all over the place. I know I deserve better. I just want to help him. I know his fetish has nothing to do with me. But, I will not allow him to have both. Either way.... to me.... it's cheating. 

Any advice? I'm sure there's a lot I've left out... just ask if there's something you would like me to explain. Thanks for reading.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

How deeply have you looked? Are you SURE he hasn't actually hooked up with anyone yet?

If so, it sounds like you're one of the lucky ones. Tell him what you know, but in such a way that he doesn't know how you know, and in such a way that he doesn't know how much you know either. 

When I confronted my husband, I told him I had found his secret email, then I told him to tell me what he'd been up to. Every time he told me something, I replied with an angry stare, and just said ".......AND?!?!?!" So he kept on telling me stuff. Some I already knew and some I didn't. He didn't tell me about his secret cell phone though, so I kept pressing him and pressing him for more and more and got mad at him when he kept saying there was nothing else. I think he was in total shock and the thought of the cell phone hadn't even crossed his mind. Anyway, I digress.

Whatever you decide to do, judge his remorse by his ACTIONS, not his words.

Oh, and have a read at the Newbie link in my signature. I'm sorry you find yourself here


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

At a minimum, the intent is there. And sounds like he's getting closer to sealing the deal.

Yes, you do know the answer.


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## dre43 (Feb 25, 2013)

I only have access through his phone. I've looked through text messages, phone calls (doesn't do that too often), emails and facebook. The most damning evidence is through his email. He tries to not use his phone because he knows that I can see all the numbers he's calling and texting (as the emails state). His phone is on my account. I only have a short period of time every day to look through it. But, it's enough time to get the information I need.

I still haven't confronted him. I know I have to. I will in due time.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Do you plan on waiting until he has sex with another man before confronting him?

You should probably just leave him. You're not married. There isn't that level of commitment from either of you. So just pull the trigger and move out.

Good luck.


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## Meltherapist (Feb 25, 2010)

It is clear that your partner is sending you mixed messages. You seem to know your limits within this relationship. This is very positive. It is important to understand that sometimes people communicate through behavior. Actions speak louder than words. I would strongly recommend that you get a counselor to help you process what is going on for you. This must be very difficult time, so let me recommend a book that may help you through this process. It is called After The Affair by Janis Abrahms Spring.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Meltherapist said:


> It is clear that your husband is sending you mixed messages. You seem to know your limits within this relationship. This is very positive. It is important to understand that sometimes people communicate through behavior. Actions speak louder than words. I would strongly recommend that you get a counselor to help you process what is going on for you. This must be very difficult time, so let me recommend a book that may help you through this process. It is called After The Affair by Janis Abrahms Spring.


With all due respect, it's also clear that she's not married.


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## dre43 (Feb 25, 2013)

No, I am not... but we are living like we are. We have talked about the possibility of getting married as well. But, that remains to be seen.


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## Meltherapist (Feb 25, 2010)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> With all due respect, it's also clear that she's not married.



Thank you for the clarification.





dre43 said:


> No, I am not... but we are living like we are. We have talked about the possibility of getting married as well. But, that remains to be seen.



Of course serious relational issues can occur in married or unmarried couples. Best of luck and please consider my advise.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

He's playing with fire. Getting closer to the flame with each contact. Trouble is you will be burned too. Avoid sex with him at all costs until this issue is resolved.

How old are you both? Do you have relatives living nearby for support? Does he? 

I think you need to raise this issue with him and soon before he engages in a potentially dangerous situation. But before you do, have a place of safety to send him - like his parents or a sibling. Also, see if you can find a potential counselor for him and let him know you two can't live together as a couple until he fully resolves his issues.

And, yes, IMO it most certainly is cheating.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Another married dude who is into experimenting with transsexuals? What is this? An epidemic?


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

If they reconcile I see her coming back here in two years and it will be much much worse.

Same script (yes with a twist) new day.


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## dre43 (Feb 25, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> If they reconcile I see her coming back here in two years and it will be much much worse.
> 
> Same script (yes with a twist) new day.


Well, you partially right. I had seen signs of this (the tranny situation) about 5 years ago. I did confront him about it. Of course, he denied it all. He said that he was bored and wanted to see what kind replies he would get back (Classic response). At that point, I guess I swept it under the rug. I didn't want to think that it was true. Even though I knew better. So, yes... here I am again. But, that is why I'm treading lightly and trying to get as much information as I can. Maybe that's dumb on my part. Maybe I'm still in partial denial. I know I'm not stupid. If this was one of my girlfriend's telling me this, I would say to get out. But, we have a child together. Although not a reason to stay together, I know.

And to answer a previous comment... I am 44 yrs old and he is 43. We have both been married before with other children. It's been a roller coaster of a relationship, but we stay together. We do love each other. I guess I'm just trying one last attempt to salvage what we have, before it's too late.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I'm no psychologist but could it be that his depression and other issues are caused by the fact that he's gay?

At the very least this tranny obsession has been going on for over 5 years. That desire to sleep with a dude has been going on for at least half a decade. Could it be that it was ALWAYS there for him...the desire I mean? 

Plenty of gay men have hetero relationships and even children. Sorry you're dealing with this. Just seems clear that he likes dudes.


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## dre43 (Feb 25, 2013)

sinnister said:


> I'm no psychologist but could it be that his depression and other issues are caused by the fact that he's gay?


That thought has crossed my mind. I suppose it could be a possibility. Anything is, at this point. I have given him so many opportunities to come clean with me. But, it just doesn't happen. He knows I'm questioning his wanting to be with me. His actions don't reflect what he says to me.


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## dre43 (Feb 25, 2013)

So any advice on how I should broach the subject of his possibly being gay. I'm still having a hard time even imagining that it is true. But, it would make sense with what I have found. I don't want to seem like I'm attacking him either. I just need to find the courage to confront him. There's still a lot of unknowns.... and I want to know.


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