# Can a marriage succeed w/o sex?



## married2myBF (Apr 11, 2012)

I married by best friend at 21 and we've been married 7 years. Growing up together i always found her to be very attractive, but by the time we got married she had gained quite a bit of weight. She had started working out before the wedding to "look good" and i thought she would keep it up. In 7 years she has gained an additional 50 pounds.

We married as virgins and had never seen eachother naked. I wasnt sexually attracted on our wedding night and havent really been ever since.

This has recently become a big issue since my poor wife has had to beg me to make love to her for a number of years now, so i finally came out with the honest truth last week.
This wasn't the first conversation we've had about her weight being a problem with my attraction to her, but lets just say the last talk didn't go well and this time things are critical.

She's alway struggled with her weight and doesn't want to "do it for me"...

neither one of us are the "cheating type" and neither of us have been unfaithful...but it's getting tougher because now i know she'll never feel comfortable getting intimate knowing i dont find her body desirable. Personally i can probably get by on masturbation...but she's at a sexual peak and wants intimacy...

my question is where can we go from here? I love my wife to death and cant imagine life without her, since we've been best friends since age 12. Can a marriage succeed solely on friendship?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

married2myBF said:


> Can a marriage succeed solely on friendship?


not a good one, imo


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## jectruc (Apr 11, 2012)

If both parties are ok without having sex or if one or both is ok with their partner getting sex outside the marriage then it can "succeed" if you define marriage success as "staying together and not divorcing".

If you define marriage success as open communication, trust, mutual respect, honesty and understanding I doubt most intact marriages even come close to qualifying.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

I can survive/exist yes, but I don't think it's as rich as one with an active sex life (even though you probably don't want to hear that).

This is a tough situation to be sure. If I may ask, do you have any kids?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I've said the same thing to wives who refuse their husbands. It's not fair or morally right for you to force your wife to be celibate. IMO, if you can't step up you should divorce so she has a chance to find someone who will treat her right.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

My wife and I haven't had sex or made love in about 3 months for various reasons, and in our marriage we have both put on about 25-30 pounds as well as have gotten older(we're both in our 40's now)and I think both of those are playing a factor as well.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

No, it can't. And it's not right that you expect it to. If you love her, you'll end the marriage and allow her to find a man that does desire her. Sex is too big a thing for one person to make the decision about it.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

I would not do that.


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## married2myBF (Apr 11, 2012)

we do not have children, but my wife has been talking about if for some time now and eventually i DO want children...


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

How sad. She was overweight when you married her and you weren't sexually attracted to her.

You make her beg you for sex. That ruins a person's soul.

Sad...your marriage is sad to me.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Doubt it


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I concede it is possible for roomates to coexist indefinently. I shared a barracks with 30 other soldiers and I never had sex with any of them.


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## married2myBF (Apr 11, 2012)

I appreciate everyone's feedback. It's hard talking about this without sounding like a complete A-hole. My wife is beautiful. it's that naked, she doesn't arouse me. her weight keeps her from doing much in bed besides "laying there" and having me do all the work. why am i the unloving one?

I wish i was the "hero" who didnt let it phase him and just desired his wife no matter what, but what can i do about my attraction? i see her naked and she reminds me of my mother (who is also heavy)...i feel like i'm having sex with my mom.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

But she was big when you met her?

Or ...?? I don't understand. 

It's just sad that she has to beg.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

She's a human being and she deserves to experience sexual fulfillment in marriage the way she was designed and the way her Creator intended. It's also what you promised and what He expects of you. If the sight of her doesn't just naturally blow your skirt up, dim the lights, maybe take a little drink, and dive on it for God and country.


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## married2myBF (Apr 11, 2012)

She was very sexy through highschool, then we took a break for about a year. when we saw eachother again she had put on a few pounds. leading up to the wedding she was working out with a trainer 3 days a week. she got in shape for the wedding but since we werent having sex before, you just dont know what you dont know.

after our recent talk however, i think i'll be doing the begging. dont know if she's ever let me touch her again. i feel really terrible. do men just lie? should i just have lied?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Most people look good in HS. The real world isn't HS. Girls in HS are not women.

I'm sorry you're in this situation. I dont' know how to make her attractive to you. 

So from wedding night you weren't attracted to her.  Why did you marry her? I mean, best friend or not, isn't sexual attraction important? Even with clothes on, you can tell a person's body.


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

Not mine.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

married2myBF said:


> We married as virgins and had never seen each other naked. I wasnt sexually attracted on our wedding night and havent really been ever since.


It sounds like you're only 28 or so. What were you planning on doing when you're 48? Would you quit loving your wife when she has a few wrinkles and stretch marks?

I think you have far more control over what you find 'sexy' than you might realize.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

You are doing the right thing telling her the truth (just hope you tell her has lovingly as possible). You aren't doing either one of you a favor just staying in a marriage where she wants you and you don't want her.

Get some counseling, but w/e you do don't have kids until you two have this settled and you are both happy. No need to bring a child into a stressed marriage, it's just going to make everything harder.


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## married2myBF (Apr 11, 2012)

ocotillo said:


> It sounds like you're only 28 or so. What were you planning on doing when you're 48? Would you quit loving your wife when she has a few wrinkles and stretch marks?
> 
> I think you have far more control over what you find 'sexy' than you might realize.


i will never stop LOVING her. she's the best person in the world to me. it's not about love or respect. my issue is sexual arousal. if you have advise on that i'm all ears.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

She has a very real need. You are the only one on earth positioned to take care of that need. You promised to do so. Withholding basic needs isn't the act of a loving person. Love lifts partners up. It doesn't tear them down. Love cares for for it's partner's feelings more than for its own. Love endures all things and believes all things. You fell in love with her heart. Her body is only the shell it goes into. For all of us, that shell will change. If you're very lucky, the heart never will. You have no guarantee that you will look the same next year or even an hour from now. Guys come back from Afghanistan with all sorts of injuries. They may look like monsters to the world but they are loved by those who know them. Your wife can work out and lose weight. She could even get an operation and lose a whole lot of weight. She can buy fake breasts and change her appearance in a million ways. Isn't there some unattractive part of your character than you need to lose? Inside ugly is just as unappealing and it tends to last much longer.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Can it not wind up as a divorce? Yes.

But it is not successful in the fact that your poor wife must be miserable as all hell.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

married2myBF said:


> i will never stop LOVING her. she's the best person in the world to me. it's not about love or respect. my issue is sexual arousal. if you have advise on that i'm all ears.


But, it IS all about love and respect. When you truly love and respect someone, you tend to see past their physical flaws and in to the beauty inside of them.

_"Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart." - K Gibran_

Loving and respecting someone means that you put their legitimate needs above your own. But, you are blameshifting and trying to justify your behaviour of denying her legitimate needs based upon her appearance. Own up to your own actions and behaviour and search deeply inside yourself ... do you REALLY want to be married? Do you REALLY love your wife?

Personally, I think you should contemplate doing some IC - so you can work through these issues and try and determine what the next step should be.

Best wishes.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Enchantment said:


> But, it IS all about love and respect. When you truly love and respect someone, you tend to see past their physical flaws and in to the beauty inside of them.


So very true. My wife and I are always frank with each other, and while I call her beautiful every day (because I truly find her beautiful), I know she's not the kind of skin deep (photoshopped) beauty portrayed on the cover of SI Swimsuit edition.

I don't care, it is exactly like Enchantment says I love and respect her so much. I think she's an incredible woman through and through, that's why I don't even notice anything but her beauty when I look at her. I notice her smile, her graceful shoulders, (trust me I can go on and on) etc... I think of how patient, gentle, wise, kind, (yep can go on and on) etc... she is and that respect makes her all the more beautiful. It's true, not just words.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

married2myBF said:


> My issue is sexual arousal. if you have advise on that i'm all ears.


Do you think your primary issue is physical or mental? If it's the former, see your doctor. There's no shame in that.

If it's the latter, then like I said, I think you may have more control over it than you realize. Appetites can be retrained.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

How about taking your wife for long romantic walks in the evening? It'd be a bonding experience and it'd also be good exercise.


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## Template (Aug 2, 2011)

If you are looking for some moral support, check out My Fat Spouse forum. There are plenty of folks in the world who are faced with the same dilemma as you are and some of them post in that forum. There are lots of suggestions of ways to deal with it there. You might also check out Married Man Sex Life. This topic has been talked about there as well with some interesting solutions.
Good Luck!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If most people only had sex with sexually attractive partners, there wouldn't be so many unfortunate looking people at WalMart. Most of us aren't bedding beautiful partners, but partners we see as beautiful.


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## alderhebel (Apr 18, 2012)

not a good one


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## rundown (Mar 21, 2012)

Suck it up and get through it or just do her a favor and just leave. You are denying her the feeling of being loved by the one person who you should love above all others. If you do love her above all others you will do the best you can to make her feel loved.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

married2myBF said:


> Can a marriage succeed solely on friendship?


Sure it can. Just because one or both spouses are not sexually attracted to each other doesn't mean they can't be happily married. They can have shared interests and if there are kids that is a common factor to keep couples together. Many married couples can't have sex due to illness or sexual dysfunctions but choose to remain married. Older couples who stop having sex would never think of splitting up. My wife and I haven't had sex for 25 years the main reason being I am not sexually attracted to her and we are still together and have no plans to break up. Look, it's hard enough to find someone you can actually stand living with for decades on end. If you find such a person, are close, good buddies and share values and interests then you can consider yourself lucky. Sexual release is easy to achieve but having someone you like being with day in and day out is really hard.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Mr B said:


> Sure it can. Just because one or both spouses are not sexually attracted to each other doesn't mean they can't be happily married. They can have shared interests and if there are kids that is a common factor to keep couples together. Many married couples can't have sex due to illness or sexual dysfunctions but choose to remain married. Older couples who stop having sex would never think of splitting up. My wife and I haven't had sex for 25 years and we are still together and have no plans to break up. Look, it's hard enough to find someone you can actually stand living with for decades on end. If you find such a person, are close, good buddies and share values and interests then you can consider yourself lucky. Sexual release is easy to achieve but having someone you like being with day in and day out is really hard.


Totally. IF you can find someone who doesn't want sex and just wants a roommate/friend.


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Totally. IF you can find someone who doesn't want sex and just wants a roommate/friend.


Unfortunately this happens to many only after they get married.


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

Give the guy a break..... They were virgins when they married, probably had very little understanding and yes being sexually attracted to your spouse is very important to varying degrees for people. He only realized it on their wedding night. Seems his wife worked on it and it was important enough for her wedding to look great, but to put on 50 lbs in your 20's and expect there to be no residual issues? Now if he too has put on 50+lbs, then he is a hypocrite.

However face it to many of us and society in general you need to be sexually attracted and this is important to him.

I applaud him being honest, just sorry it took so long.

I can't believe in 4 days not a single person has defended him or understood his feelings.


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

Bump..... Can't believe the lack of response on what is a sad post and a young couple that is struggling with sexuality, attraction and what may be a very sad future if they continue.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Not sure how one defends shallowness. The marital "deal" was to love, honor, cherish, etc, etc richer or poorer, sickness and in health, etc, etc, till either of you drops dead. How could one imagine that a spouse gaining a few pounds releases one from that promise? That is no commitment at all. Even without a ceremony, I can expect pretty much any woman will have sex with me if I happen to turn her on. Squirrels and dogs have that level of marital commitment.


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

Havesomethingtosay said:


> Bump..... Can't believe the lack of response on what is a sad post and a young couple that is struggling with sexuality, attraction and what may be a very sad future if they continue.


Stop being condescending to others opinions and they just may choose to post.


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

chaos said:


> Stop being condescending to others opinions and they just may choose to post.


I find the responses that 'til now basically is for him to suck it up unrealistic. They were virgins unsure of their sexuality and very naïve. I find it very telling that she was willing to lose weight to get married but not now when he has told her he finds it unattractive she is hurt..... Yes I am amazed that people responding to this thread all are "blaming" him for a situation he was unprepared for (i.e. sexually naive and a virgin).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

married2myBF said:


> neither one of us are the "cheating type" and neither of us have been unfaithful.


Nobody ever considers him/herself as "the cheating type" but given the right set of circumstances, they may end up cheating. Sadly the situation that exists right now is that your wife has become extremely insecure as a woman and if another man enters the picture with sweet talk and true sexual desire for her, what do you think the chances are that she will fall into an affair with him? I know that if I had continued in my previous marriage (sexless) that I would have eventually cheated on my ex-wife and caused everybody a world of painful destruction.

Your wife is also at fault because her lack of caring for the health of her body is setting her up for diseases like diabetes, cardiovascular, and cancer. She is an educated woman so she knows that being overweight is dangerous for her. This lack of caring for herself has caused you to loose sexual attraction towards her. Maybe she is suffering from depression and over eats to feel better. She needs counseling to find out why she has lost respect for taking good care of her body. This is no different than when it is the man who has gained weight, refuses to do anything to loose it, and his wife looses sexual desire for him.

You cannot force her to do what is right for her but you certainly do have options. Counseling should be a must for both, IC (individual counseling) as well as MC (marriage counseling). And if that fails, then divorce is the next option to be considered. I hope that counseling helps to bring a happy resolution to your marital situation but if not then you should seriously consider ending the marriage.


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## Oksana (Apr 22, 2012)

I don't think either one of you wants to be in a marriage without sex. However, you can shed light at whether that is something you really want or not.

Your issue is incredibly complex so this may be a bit lengthy. 

Firstly, I agree with what others about some though not all things. I am a big believer that when you truly love another person you find them attractive in spite of their physical flaws or shortcomings. This is a lesson I have learned with age and experience; in fact many very physically attractive men turned me off quite early on because of who they were underneath the physical exterior. I just couldn't find them sexually desirable in the least. The reverse to that is there have been times I have found myself attracted to men who I didn't find attractive initially but after spending time and getting to know them better, I was attracted and a physical chemistry was there. This wasn't the kind of concept I understood when I was young. 

Weight is ugly, so is dull skin, thinning hair, sagging body parts, wrinkles and any combination of the many flaws we *all* have some combination of or another. 


I am not sure it the weight that really turns you off, but maybe. You mention that in bed she just lays there, is there any chance *this* could be the real cuprit? The weight might seem like an identifiable cause but if we aren't having pleasurable, enjoyable sex why would we want to keep having it? Of course, there is more to sex than the physical pleasure side but not everyone comes to understand that right away. 
Have you ever felt an emotional bond during sex? 

Second, your wife's attitude about the weight may also be another turn off. Saying she doesn't want to lose it for you is an understandble kill joy. If her weight and body image is a reason that she cannot open up sexually and do more than "just lay there" then doing nothing about it isn't very fair to you. Secondly, the health and emotional problems that come with being overweight will directly affect you in various ways and continue through as you age. Hearing a spouse say they won't lose weight for you would be hurtful. 

Granted, in spite of weight or illness many couples are still attracted and in love with their partners so this brings it back to where I wonder if it is the weight itself or if it is the combination of the "I don't want to do it for you" attitude and the "just laying there" while having sex that is the real turn off. 

I look forward to hearing from you.


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## Browneyedgurl020610 (Apr 18, 2012)

I would never want to stay in a sex-less marriage. Sex may not be the most important thing, but I would still want to be with someone who found me sexually attractive and visa-verse. My husband tells me always the time I am beautiful and is always touching me (be it playful or sexually) You guys need serious counseling. You may love her, but her having to beg is really sad. She should not have to make her husband want to make love to her. You need to look past the physical though sometimes. Not a whole lot of people will stay slim and fit as they get older, so sometimes to have a happy marriage, you need to look past that. Good luck. I hope you guys have your sex life back.


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## Blue Moon (Sep 7, 2009)

It's highly unfair to the OP to tag him as the shallow assh*le because of something he can't control. When naked, his wife doesn't turn him on. Should he lie about it? Should he fantasize about another woman and go at it? Should he hit the web for some videos and plow ahead like a good soldier?

Maybe.

But that's not solving the issue. He's not demonizing his wife for gaining weight, he's just not attracted to her. I'm sure she didn't purposely sit and put on the pounds, but it's incredibly unfair and almost prisoner like to let yourself go and have someone just have to "suck it up."

It doesn't make either of them a bad person for it, but hey, it is what it is. An overweight woman doesn't turn him on. We could point fingers and place all of the blame on him, or we could deal with the fixable issue, which is the wifes weight.

By that same token, if I happen to put on 60 pounds of weight and my wife finds herself having a hard time being sexually attracted to me, best believe I will be in the gym the next day trying to get myself down to the athletic cut I was when she was attracted to me. 

I think we're confusing love and attraction here. He still loves his wife, but I don't think you can demonize the guy for not being attracted to her. Vows should be taken seriously, but so should the commitment to be the best spouse you can be.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Havesomethingtosay said:


> I find the responses that 'til now basically is for him to suck it up unrealistic. They were virgins unsure of their sexuality and very naïve. I find it very telling that she was willing to lose weight to get married but not now when he has told her he finds it unattractive she is hurt..... Yes I am amazed that people responding to this thread all are "blaming" him for a situation he was unprepared for (i.e. sexually naive and a virgin).
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


But that is not true. Certainly there are those posts that are critical, but there are some very constructive ones as well - designed to help the OP since he, and not his wife, are here posting. Merely confirming his feelings does not do a lot to help him.

OP - I do think you need to kindly let your wife know that while you love her, the attraction is difficult at this point. Alos, think about what it is that is affecting the attraction. Is it the weight, the fact that she is not doing the work to keep it in line (for example, would you still feel this way had she put on weight because she was hurt in an accident and could not exercise), that she is in not active in sex, or is there something else there. Identifying and getting clarity on the real issue will help you figure out how to address and what you want to do. I do agree that you should avoid children until you can get this worked out.


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

Tall Average Guy said:


> But that is not true. Certainly there are those posts that are critical, but there are some very constructive ones as well - designed to help the OP since he, and not his wife, are here posting. Merely confirming his feelings does not do a lot to help him.
> 
> OP - I do think you need to kindly let your wife know that while you love her, the attraction is difficult at this point. Alos, think about what it is that is affecting the attraction. Is it the weight, the fact that she is not doing the work to keep it in line (for example, would you still feel this way had she put on weight because she was hurt in an accident and could not exercise), that she is in not active in sex, or is there something else there. Identifying and getting clarity on the real issue will help you figure out how to address and what you want to do. I do agree that you should avoid children until you can get this worked out.


No it is the weight. Not a single person posted 'SUPPORTING' his feelings. Count me as shallow, but I know that is how I'd feel and sex would certainly be devalued and consuming my thoughts and esteem.

Personally this is like the 'bait & switch' regarding sex before and after marriage that is often debated here.

Add to that their age, inexperience & they were virgins made it all the more sad imo.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Havesomethingtosay said:


> No it is the weight. Not a single person posted 'SUPPORTING' his feelings. Count me as shallow, but I know that is how I'd feel and sex would certainly be devalued and consuming my thoughts and esteem.
> 
> Personally this is like the 'bait & switch' regarding sex before and after marriage that is often debated here.
> 
> Add to that their age, inexperience & they were virgins made it all the more sad imo.


Actually, not true. Before you showed up, one poster said:



> I'm sorry you're in this situation. I dont' know how to make her attractive to you.


Another said:



> You are doing the right thing telling her the truth (just hope you tell her has lovingly as possible). You aren't doing either one of you a favor just staying in a marriage where she wants you and you don't want her.


A third said:



> How about taking your wife for long romantic walks in the evening? It'd be a bonding experience and it'd also be good exercise.


A fourth pointed out a website for support and other ideas.

Now, no one specifically said “I support your feelings” but that may well be because the OP asked a different question. Nevertheless, the idea that you are the truth teller amid a sea of people shaming the OP is not even remotely supported.

As for your assertion that the weight is the only issue, I disagree only with respect to your certainty. It may be the issue, but there are enough other possibilities, based on the Ops posts, that it is worth him exploring. Not because I think he is wrong or shallow, but to ensure that the OP is clear as to the issues so that he can address them square on.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

'She's alway struggled with her weight and doesn't want to "do it for me"...

The OP grew up with this woman. She was heavy when they married and by his own admission, she had always struggled with her weight. Like many brides, she dropped a few pounds before getting married. OP conned himself into believing pre-wedding starvation wife was what he was getting for life. If anyone's been handed a "bait and switch" it was her. He knew full well she had a lifelong weight issue. Prior to the wedding, she was made to believe that he accepted and loved her for the person she was. Some on here say they'd run down to the gym if their appearance turned their spouse off. Are you going to run to the gym to get rid of burn scars, amputations, or the inevitable wrinkles? Each of us can go from "hot" to hideous in about half a second. If your partner has to look like a 20 year old porn star to get your motor running, you had best remain single because everybody's appearance will change. The OP apparently didn't understand the commitment he made or he didn't seriously mean it. I'm a guy and capable of compartmentalization. If I had to, I could turn off the light and have sex with the sister of Jabba the Hut. I've seen my wife at size 2 and size 18, dressed to the nines and looking like a half mile of bad road. The only message she gets from me is that she's beautiful and desirable. I'm not going to profess to love someone and then spend my time ripping down their fragile self-esteem.


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> 'She's alway struggled with her weight and doesn't want to "do it for me"...
> 
> The OP grew up with this woman. She was heavy when they married and by his own admission, she had always struggled with her weight. Like many brides, she dropped a few pounds before getting married. OP conned himself into believing pre-wedding starvation wife was what he was getting for life. If anyone's been handed a "bait and switch" it was her. He knew full well she had a lifelong weight issue. Prior to the wedding, she was made to believe that he accepted and loved her for the person she was. Some on here say they'd run down to the gym if their appearance turned their spouse off. Are you going to run to the gym to get rid of burn scars, amputations, or the inevitable wrinkles? Each of us can go from "hot" to hideous in about half a second. If your partner has to look like a 20 year old porn star to get your motor running, you had best remain single because everybody's appearance will change. The OP apparently didn't understand the commitment he made or he didn't seriously mean it. I'm a guy and capable of compartmentalization. If I had to, I could turn off the light and have sex with the sister of Jabba the Hut. I've seen my wife at size 2 and size 18, dressed to the nines and looking like a half mile of bad road. The only message she gets from me is that she's beautiful and desirable. I'm not going to profess to love someone and then spend my time ripping down their fragile self-esteem.


I am taking the OP's original posts. Yes I have cut and paste.

*I married by best friend at 21 and we've been married 7 years. Growing up together i always found her to be very attractive, but by the time we got married she had gained quite a bit of weight. She had started working out before the wedding to "look good" and i thought she would keep it up. In 7 years she has gained an additional 50 pounds.

We married as virgins and had never seen each other naked. I wasn’t sexually attracted on our wedding night and haven’t really been ever since.

My wife is beautiful. it's that naked, she doesn't arouse me. her weight keeps her from doing much in bed besides "laying there" and having me do all the work.
She was very sexy through highschool, then we took a break for about a year. when we saw eachother again she had put on a few pounds. leading up to the wedding she was working out with a trainer 3 days a week. she got in shape for the wedding but since we werent having sex before, you just dont know what you dont know.
*

I stand by my comments. He was a virgin, they had never been naked. Heck sounds like he never saw her in a bathing suit.

Very sad.......


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Unless she's four feet tall fifty extra pounds is not an excuse to just lay there. There is no excuse for that other than she feels inhibited because you aren't into her.
Part of me wonders if it's more a case where you did meet too early and your relationship is more a brother/sister one than an erotic love one.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Also are you attracted sexually to other women? Do you get turned on by naked pictures or porn?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

"Growing up together i always found her to be very attractive, but by the time we got married she had gained quite a bit of weight. She had started working out before the wedding to "look good" and *i thought she would keep it up*."

Notice, the OP described his fiance' as only "very attractive" BUT not so much by the time they got married. He THOUGHT she'd keep up the exercise. This is about being a virgin or seeing someone naked for the first time. This is about pretending to be attracted to someone you really aren't and willingly marrying someone you secretly find unattractive and then punishing THEM for the crime of being their authentic self. I don't have to disrobe every woman to know which ones I'd rather not see naked.


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## SabrinaBlue (Apr 18, 2012)

Married2mybf, I'll give you some advice that I recently discovered: make love to the _person_, even if you're not attracted to the _body_. 

Friday night I was really struggling in my marriage. My husband and I hadn't had sex in months. He's put on about sixty pounds in the past two years, and I can't lie - it's not attractive to me. The sight of him naked isn't yanking my chain anymore. But on some advice here, I decided to give sex a go and do it with love in my heart.

I started by bringing him into the shower with me. We washed each other and just enjoyed the intimacy of it. Then we dried off and I had him lay on his stomach on the bed. I rubbed and massaged and kissed his skin, letting my affection for him overflow until - lo and behold - I realized I was turned on! Cue great sex rounds 1 & 2.

So that's my advice. Let your love for your wife and your desire to give her pleasure overcome your physical unattraction. Don't think "God, she's so big now." Think "this is my wonderful wife, and I want to show her just how much she really means to me."

Her weight does need to come under control; her health and happiness need to be addressed. But I would hold off on talking about it further until you firmly establish that you will make love to her as a _person_.


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## LadyFrog (Feb 27, 2012)

OP, just my two cents.

You should not have married her, but that's over. Only you can decide now whether you can stay married to a woman you are not attracted to sexually. It sound like your choices are~

1.) Motivate her to get in shape. You said she is not interested in "doing it for me" so that's probably not going to happen. She has to want to drop the weight for herself also, and it doesn't sound like she's interested.

2.) Stay married and be intimate with her despite the lack of attraction.

3.) Live in a sexless marriage

4.) Divorce

I understand you love her dearly and are her best friend, but that doesn't mean you had to marry. You could have just stayed friends and found someone you had *that spark* with. It sounds almost like marrying her was an expectation.

For what it's worth, I don't think you're shallow for feeling as you do.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

I feel bad for the OP's wife, and him. This is a very sensitive subject, and a lot of people keep silent about it.

At least he was honest. How many people are in sex-lite and sexless marriages, are feeling lost and confused as to why their spouse doesn't initiate or seem to want them, and simple truth is that the spouse isn't attracted to their expanding bodies? At least this man's wife knows, and she can make a decision accordingly. The truth is empowering, and whatever choice she makes going forward at least she knows the facts, and has the ability to decide her future with those in mind.

A lot of people fall out of attraction with their lovers when copious amounts of weight is gained. It's not a pretty thought, it often goes totally unacknowledged, and some people do feel super bad for losing that sexual attraction. Sure many of us, myself included, are able to continue being attracted to spouses who fluctuate in weight, but there are some people who literally can not be attracted to a fat body. This man sounds like he really, truly wants to be attracted to his wife, but no amount of rationalizing on his part, or belittling on the part of others, is going to make his penis want what his penis does not want.


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## SoWhat (Jan 7, 2012)

What jaquen said...

I had an ex that put on 60 lbs over a 5-6 month span. I still cared very much about her, but I could not - physically or mentally - be attracted to the way she looked anymore. 

The OP might literally be unable to perform. I don't know. 

It's a very sad situation for all involved. 

If he wants to remain married to her, he'll need to do what others have suggested - dive in anyway, maybe work his imagination up some for help - and satisfy her very reasonable needs. 

Should his wife do things to make herself more attractive to him? Yes, IMO, but she's not on here, so there's no point in advising HER just to make OP feel justified or whatever.


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

do you have really low sex drive? can you get her to go down on you or do anything besides just laying there? 

My wife is not in the greatest shape but I still get aroused when she acts sexy.. or else I'm a horndog and just get aroused because it's Thursday. 'Just laying there' is always a turnoff though, and that's my #1 bedroom pet peeve. My wife's level of involvement and enthusiasm can often be the difference between cumming and not cumming for me, depending on other variables. 

Another issue is that if you masturbate frequently you are wasting lots of vitality that could be better spent on your wife.


If she doesn't have a great bod, a sloppy, skillful blowjob should do wonders for you before you make the plunge. As others have said, if she wants you that bad there's certainly more stuff she could be doing than just laying there.

I'm also agreeing with Sabrina Blue here.. it is easy to make love to someone when you are emotionally invested in each other. Think about how good she makes you feel when she shows how much she loves you.. and try to channel that into your sex drive. 

To answer your question, I'd say absolutely not - unless both of you are asexual and really really passionate about some hobby like stamp collecting. If you can't find some way to make this work.. 
don't waste any more of each other's time. Life is too short!

But before you try anything else, you should first address that she lays there passively. if *she's * the one who wants *you* most of the time, she should be more proactive about it, period. As others have stated, there's really no excuse for that.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Only if you're both on the same page. It sounds like your wife doesn't hold the same view of you as you do of her, and this makes the relationship unhealthy. I can't think of anything more degrading or demeaning than begging for sex...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

married2myBF said:


> i will never stop LOVING her. she's the best person in the world to me. it's not about love or respect. my issue is sexual arousal. if you have advise on that i'm all ears.


At this point there are probably a lot of emotional issues that contribute to your wife's weight issues. One of them could very well be the rejection she has been living with. There is no doubt that she has known all along that you do not find her sexually attractive. It's clear that you do not want sex with her since you seldom have it and she has to beg you. 

This is a real catch 22 you are in. Some day she will hopefully stop feeling bad and do something about her weight. But when she gets to that point she will most likely drop you like a hot potato.


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## SoWhat (Jan 7, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Some day she will hopefully stop feeling bad and do something about her weight. But when she gets to that point she will most likely drop you like a hot potato.



That's a little low, isn't it? 

The guys _wants_ to be physically attracted to his wife. He's simply not. 

I think the best advice has come from posters who have suggested he meet her needs anyway. 

Saying he's going to get dumped for his past rejections....but not until she's at a healthy weight........what does that do?


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

SabrinaBlue said:


> Married2mybf, I'll give you some advice that I recently discovered: make love to the _person_, even if you're not attracted to the _body_.
> 
> Friday night I was really struggling in my marriage. My husband and I hadn't had sex in months. He's put on about sixty pounds in the past two years, and I can't lie - it's not attractive to me. The sight of him naked isn't yanking my chain anymore. But on some advice here, I decided to give sex a go and do it with love in my heart.
> 
> ...


This is really beautiful advice, and congratulations to you for turning around a situation that a lot of people cannot, or will not, dig deep enough to do.


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## cinimini15 (Apr 30, 2012)

Havesomethingtosay said:


> Give the guy a break..... They were virgins when they married, probably had very little understanding and yes being sexually attracted to your spouse is very important to varying degrees for people. He only realized it on their wedding night. Seems his wife worked on it and it was important enough for her wedding to look great, but to put on 50 lbs in your 20's and expect there to be no residual issues? Now if he too has put on 50+lbs, then he is a hypocrite.
> 
> However face it to many of us and society in general you need to be sexually attracted and this is important to him.
> 
> ...


What I dont understand is how can you not *feel* what the other person looks like and alot of people have ugly bodies. thats why people say bumping uglies. 

I would suggest put a bag over his head and make it kinky and have her give him a bj to get him hard and then stick it in. Most people can find somthing attractive about somebody.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> At this point there are probably a lot of emotional issues that contribute to your wife's weight issues. One of them could very well be the rejection she has been living with. There is no doubt that she has known all along that you do not find her sexually attractive. It's clear that you do not want sex with her since you seldom have it and she has to beg you.


That doesn't appear to be the case. The OP knew her younger, and she wasn't overweight. They were apart for awhile, and in the interim, without any apparent interference from him, she ballooned up.

She then proceeded to drop some weight for the wedding. You know, so she could look good in her dress and pics.

And then she let herself go. This is long before she faced any regular rejection in the sex department. 

It amazes me that the woman could put in effort to look and feel good for a damn dress, but can't muster the same level of commitment to do the same for her husband. 

Add on top of that that apparently she's dead in bed, and this man, who seems to sincerely want to be attracted to his wife, is in a tough, tough spot. Because basically he's going to have suck it up and make all the sacrifices.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

No. Well let me take that back. It can but it would be grossly unfair to both of you. You should do the loving thing and let her go and let yourself go. 

She will find someone who is attracted to her and you will find someone that excites you. 

You owe her that. If I understand what you said, you were not attracted to her but you got married anyway. You meant well, you were not aware how it would effect your marriage. 

Don't compound the mistake by spending the next 20 yrs making each other miserable. Also, if you stay she will talk you into having kids. If you do that then you are a villain.

You sound like a a very good man that made a mistake. You can make it right. It will be difficult but keep in mind that she will have the chance to find someone who loves and is attracted to her. Give that to compensate for an error. 

Please don't do this again. Now you know what you are attracted to, make sure that the next woman you are considering for commitment, knows how important that is to you.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I've seen my wife at 90 lbs and at 170. She was still the same person at either weight. Sure, her body feels a little different, but between age 20 and 90, all of our bodies are going to look and feel different. Your partner may as well get used to the idea. You could look vastly different tomorrow if you're just a little unlucky. If I lose a leg, put on some pounds, get some gray hair, lose some hair, get some wrinkles, etc, I'm still going to be me and I'll still feel love for my wife. It'd be nice to be loved back. Love is a daily choice. None of us have to wait around to feel some magical bolt of lightning or for our partners to become perfect before we treat them lovingly.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I understand the people who say it should not matter what she looks like, it should not effect his love. For some people it does effect their sexual attraction but not love. That does not make them bad. They have a narrow range of what they find attractive. 

But he is unable to give her what she needs. That alone should be the deciding factor. You can be as principled as you like but it does not change reality. 

She won't feel loved by principles that is unless they spout arms and 3 legs. :8}


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> I've seen my wife at 90 lbs and at 170. She was still the same person at either weight. Sure, her body feels a little different, but between age 20 and 90, all of our bodies are going to look and feel different. Your partner may as well get used to the idea. You could look vastly different tomorrow if you're just a little unlucky. If I lose a leg, put on some pounds, get some gray hair, lose some hair, get some wrinkles, etc,


I ordinarily agree with a lot of your perspective, but on this I have to deviate.

A spouse gaining a lot of weight in a relatively short amount of time isn't comparable with normal aging, or God forbid, becoming disabled. 

A spouse facing amputation, or some other kind of disfigurement, isn't their fault. There isn't the same opportunity for resentment and disappointment to build. Even still, there are spouses who are unable to maintain the attraction, to their sadness.

With aging, people who are around the same age have time to adapt over an extended period of time, bit by bit. Maintaining an attraction to your spouse as both of you age slowly over long stretches of time isn't at all comparable to this. What would be comparable is if a man married his wife at 20, and a year later she looked 90. Would anyone be surprised if the 20 year old husband in that hypothetical situation had trouble being attracted to his wife's 90 year old exterior?

Also there are a lot of married couples who make a commitment to aging as well as possible, staying fit, and healthy. All married people don't just roll over and resign themselves to going downhill. Yes we change, but that's not the same thing as just giving up. This man's wife seems to, for the time being, have given up.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Principles without arms and legs aren't principles. Those would just be sorta nice ideas. I do things all the time that don't blow my skirt up. If I have enough compassion to feed my dog I surely ought to have enough to take care of my wife even though she puts on a few pounds. For one, it's what the man promised to do. He either delivers or he's a fraud. Two, regardless of what message he mentally tells himself each time he denies his wife, she hears that she's a repulsive human being, unworthy of anyone's love. Not only is that untrue, it's very cruel. When I look at my wife, I get to decide whether she's beautiful or ugly because the difference is entirely my opinion. I can look for flaws and focus on them or I can look for the beauty. It really is as simple as that.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Jaquen,

So, we only love our partners if they can't be blamed for their physical defects? Women who tan outdoors and later get skin cancer could be abandoned. Anyone who smokes isn't worthy of love. Anyone who speeds deserves their hideous scars. If someone chooses to skydive, ride a motorcycle, a horse, a bike, hanglide, or waterski, all might suffer very ugly, permanent injuries. Are they fair game to deny sex to? One can eat tofu, nuts, and berries and jog 10 miles a day. They're still going to die and that could happen today. They could be committed to looking great, maintaining an active lifestyle, etc, etc. One good accident or illness can take Mr. America and turn him into an overweight blob quicker than you think. When I married my wife I knew what she looked like at the wedding but that's the only guarantee either of us got. There were no qualifiers attached to "in sickness and in health" to distinguish between gradual, sudden, fault or no fault. In any case, withholding love from an obese mate is counterproductive. Loving encouragement and a little incentive would be more likely to produce positive results.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> Jaquen,
> 
> So, we only love our partners if they can't be blamed for their physical defects? Women who tan outdoors and later get skin cancer could be abandoned. Anyone who smokes isn't worthy of love. Anyone who speeds deserves their hideous scars. If someone chooses to skydive, ride a motorcycle, a horse, a bike, hanglide, or waterski, all might suffer very ugly, permanent injuries.


Where did I say anything about love? The OP loves his wife. Be wants to stay with his wife, and he desires to be attracted to her. The problem he's facing is a lack of sexual attraction. That's a problem millions of married people are facing. 



unbelievable said:


> Are they fair game to deny sex to?...case, withholding love from an obese mate is counterproductive. Loving encouragement and a little incentive would be more likely to produce positive results.


You are really insinuating a lot that was not in my post, or even the OP's post. Nobody is saying it's "fair game" to deny anybody sex. It's an unfortunate situation, and it's horrible for both parties.

But we're not dealing with any of the drastic situations you're referring to. This woman *volunteered *to be fat. She is able to lose weight because she did it for a damn dress, and pictures, but apparently isn't considering it for her husband. That is a shame. It is patently ridiculous, and cruel, to purposely throw your looks, and health, in the trash without any concern to your spouse's desires. Where does this woman's responsibility come in?

So at the end of the day, what do you propose he do? He isn't being cruel. He loves his wife. He's not trying to deny her sex on purpose, his mind/body doesn't feel drawn or attracted to her.

It's not so easy for all people to just suck it up and screw threw.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm sorry, but I just won't accept the whole "physical love without conditions" thing. If my partner stopped showering and still expected me to be intimate with her, that ain't gonna happen. If she's going to stop brushing her teeth and still expects a long slow hello kiss when she gets home, she's going to be disappointed. If she decides to take up smoking or drinking heavily, there WILL be consequences. And if she put on enough weight to make herself unattractive to me, there will be consequences to that, too.

I don't insist that she has to be under XXX pounds, or yy% body fat. I have no idea what her numbers are, to be honest. I DO know that she's put on more weight than she likes in the time that we've been seeing each other; we both put on happy weight. I still find her incredibly beautiful and sexual. But I'm not kidding myself... There are limits to what I would find sexually attractive. And if a kind, gentle supportive approach wasn't working, at one point there WOULD be a less kind discussion. Still tactful and supportive, but letting her know my thoughts.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

And BTW, I would expect similar treatment from her. I welcome honesty from her on what she finds attractive and sexy. Which is why I carry a picture of another guy on my cell phone so I could show my hair stylist what kind of cut I'd like. And one of the reasons why I've dropped 6 pounds since May 1, with 10 more to go. Although to be honest, the weight loss as much for me to feel attractive to her, rather than her request. And it's why I've been redoing my wardrobe over time as well, with her input being considered. Heck, I shaved my junk because she told me we'd both enjoy BJ's more if I did! And she was right! 

To my, if you really love someone, you do what you can to remain attractive to them. You're a bit of a fool if you don't, IMHO. I'm not saying you have to change who you are (like becoming a vegan) just for them, but you both need to take the other person's feeling into account.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Jaquen,

A man who denies his wife sex is also denying her love, regardless of what he says he feels. One can't simultaneously love someone and be indifferent to their needs and feelings. In your rationalization you specifically mentioned that disfigurement due to an accident wasn't the same because the victim wasn't at "fault". I was merely expanding on this line of logic. 

PBear, not showering or refusing to perform basic dental hygiene isn't the same as gaining weight. Hopping in the shower or picking up a toothbrush is easy. Maintaining a healthy weight is difficult for many and impossible without drastic assistance for others. We have an epidemic of obesity in the United States and all those people can't just be lazy.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> . In your rationalization you specifically mentioned that disfigurement due to an accident wasn't the same because the victim wasn't at "fault". I was merely expanding on this line of logic.


I also mentioned that even in those situations sometimes the uninjured spouse still struggles with attraction. That is a very real issue that all too often doesn't get dealt with for fear of judgement.



unbelievable said:


> We have an epidemic of obesity in the United States and all those people can't just be lazy.


We have an obesity epidemic in the USA because we're addicted to lifestyles that offer little real activity, food that is incredibly high in calories, served in absurdly large portions sizes, and pumped with chemicals that are killing us softly. 

None of that means that each and everyone one of us isn't responsible for taking better care of ourselves. Stating that most people around you are getting fat and unhealthy, by their own design, isn't an excuse.

Again you are not even addressing the fact that this man's wife lost weight for her wedding dress and pictures. She is NOT some victim to a dead thyroid. She lost weight for that which was important to her. Apparently being slimmer for her dress was more important than being slimmer for her hubby.

Are you seriously proposing that a person's spouse has no responsibility to keep themselves looking at least halfway like their spouses enjoys seeing them? Because in the midst of bashing the OP, you don't seem to be saying anything about this woman's bad choices.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Having been on the receiving end of sex-withholding for a number of years, I know exactly how it feels. I expect anyone who has experienced it wouldn't wish such treatment on their very worst enemy. If my wife looked like Jabba the Hut's chubbier sister, I'd figure out a way to do what has to be done. I think it's great when folks take care of themselves but even when their health habits wain a bit, they are still married until death or a judge says diffferently.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> PBear, not showering or refusing to perform basic dental hygiene isn't the same as gaining weight. Hopping in the shower or picking up a toothbrush is easy. Maintaining a healthy weight is difficult for many and impossible without drastic assistance for others. We have an epidemic of obesity in the United States and all those people can't just be lazy.


Those people may not all be lazy, but they are mostly guilty of poor lifestyle choices. Same as not seeing a doctor or dentist, or choosing to smoke, or riding a bike without a helmet... Theyre all decisions we make. And every single day, we makes choices about what we fuel our bodies with. Obese people (typically) make poor choices over a long period of time.

The other option is that there's some yet undiscovered disease that's running rampant across the nation, causing people to gain weight. I find that much less likely theory than one that involves people choosing to fuel themselves with crap, and too much of that. And yes, I realize that some people have medical conditions that cause obesity. But I suspect that those people are very much a minority.

My personal story... At 41 years old, I started having chest pains on a daily basis. I had been a fairly sedentary desk jockey for at least 15 years, and weighed about 220 pounds, at 5'11". My dad had suffered a major heart attack about 2 years prior to that at about 64, and had a quad bypass. I would always claim that I was "heavy framed", not "fat".

After a lot of panic and denial, I was diagnosed with a hiatal hernia rather than a heart condition. It was causing acid reflux, which caused the chest pain. My doctor put me on prescription antacids, but told me that was a temporary solution, and I should start thinking about some lifestyle changes instead. In particular, the extra weight was causing me most of the grief, but my 2 or three beer 3 times a week wasn't doing me any favors either. I was also feeling ticked at myself because I wasn't doing the "active" things with my kids that I would have liked to do, simply because I was so out of shape.

This went down in October 2008. I let things continue over the winter, but come spring, I knew my doctor was going to cut off my prescription, and my kids would want to get busier. So a friend of mine (who had supported me through my situation) helped me makeover my life. I started weighing and tracking EVERYTHING I ate or drank. I started swimming 3 mornings a week, and doing weights 3 times a week. I did these things in the morning, before anyone else was up, so it didn't take away from my family time. I stopped drinking alcohol, gave up my 300 calorie cream-and-sugar coffees every morning, and my daily coke at lunch. Started bringing a healthy (and cheap!) lunch to work, like a tuna salad, or rice, veggies and a chicken breast. And my weight started to drop, rapidly.

In 4 months, I was down 55 pounds. I had abs, for god's sake. Who knew? . I ended up training for a sprint triathlon that summer, then decided I liked running better. So that's my exercise of choice. In December of 2010, I ran my 4th half marathon in Las Vegas, and even though I blew it (injuries wrecked my last 6 weeks of training), I still finished in the top 5% of 17,000 runners, after 18 months of running.

So I know what it's like to make the changes necessary to turn your life around. Even if your spouse doesn't support you, to the point that you're buying your own groceries, cooking your own dinner to eat with the family, getting up at 5 am to hit the road, and not seeing your family at the finish line of a race. It isn't necessarily easy, but if it's important to you, it can be done. It just takes knowledge and the will to implement. And I do realize and appreciate that it is more difficult for women to lose weight than guys... The same friend that helped me turn my life around has been struggling with her own "last 10 pounds" since I started, but she'll be the first to acknowledge that she's not practicing what she was preaching.

Btw... To the OP, I apologize for the thread jack...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> She's a human being and she deserves to experience sexual fulfillment in marriage the way she was designed and the way her Creator intended. It's also what you promised and what He expects of you. If the sight of her doesn't just naturally blow your skirt up, dim the lights, maybe take a little drink, and dive on it for God and country.


Agree. We always tell the ladies who are not in the mood to go for it and respect the marriage. That cuts both ways.

However, I would not participate in a situation where she just lays or kneels there, because that is not fair to you either. I'm getting the impression that she was heavy to start with, and is worse now. It makes me wonder if her size makes it hard for her to be active and you have to make the physical effort, and if your low attraction is thus made worse.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

PBear said:


> My personal story... At 41 years old, I started having chest pains on a daily basis. I had been a fairly sedentary desk jockey for at least 15 years, and weighed about 220 pounds, at 5'11". My dad had suffered a major heart attack about 2 years prior to that at about 64, and had a quad bypass. I would always claim that I was "heavy framed", not "fat".
> 
> After a lot of panic and denial, I was diagnosed with a hiatal hernia rather than a heart condition. It was causing acid reflux, which caused the chest pain.....


WOW. The exact same thing happened to me at pretty much the exact same age. (A few days before I turned 42) The inflammation from a bad acid attack can spread to adjacent areas of the body including the lining of the heart, which results in the classic pain in the jaw and left arm of a real heart attack. It can even cause an irregular heartbeat --Scared the living daylights out of me.

I went on a concentration camp diet, lost fifty pounds and took up jogging. I entered my first competitive 10K a year and half later and have been a hard core runner ever since.

Realistically though (And as a tie-in to the OP) I wonder if I would have done any of that, were it not for an evening of sheer terror? 

Not everyone gets a wake-up call like we did.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Kudos to those who are able to confront and fix their health problems. I've been able to take care of business my whole life, too...so far. Force of will isn't an option for folks dealing with depression, PTSD, bipolar, etc, etc, etc. I try to have some patience for those who appear weak because I don't know their whole story and under the right circumstances, I could be in worse shape. I've seen brilliant doctors playing with their own feces. There but for the grace of God go any one of us.


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