# Just cheated, I really need some advice



## lobsterfish (Apr 15, 2012)

Hi all, 

My wife has gone away on business for a few months. We've been married 6 years. 

Over the past few months a (female) married friend of mine has been hitting on me, quite clearly. Started with her touching my hand, kissing me on the cheek on the sly, secret looks, etc. A while ago she told me she has thoughts of me and wants to sleep with me, my wife and her husband. 

I always told my wife everything, who was also very intrigued by the idea. She would make references to me and the OW having sex, but not in a jealous/testing way. 

To cut a long story short, it culminated in her inviting me over to hers for dinner, while my wife and her husband were both away on business. I knew it was coming as she had secretly whispered she would invite me for dinner.

We got hot and heavy. I spent the night at hers, lots of kissing/petting, no sex, fortunately. She tried, I kept saying I wouldn't do that. I left a couple of times during the evening saying it was inappropriate but she kept calling and insisted I return. We were both very, very inebriated. 

I cannot tell her, at this stage, because it would devastate her and ruin her important business trip. She can't come home and I cannot go there.

I feel absolutely ashamed and disgusted with myself. My wife does not deserve this at all. She is the most wonderful person. We are trying to start a family and I do something so terrible and stupid and destructive. I could really use some people's advice/stories (particulalry if been in a similar situation) as I need to make this right and preferably without hurting my wife.

I am going to get some counselling tomorrow but it is killing me right now, thinking of what I've potentially sacrificed, and I could really use some help.

Thankyou


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## foreversomeoneelse (Apr 15, 2012)

lobsterfish said:


> I spent the night at hers, lots of kissing/petting, no sex, fortunately.


Phew, dodged a bullet there! 

Are you going to tell your wife when she gets home?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Sorry bud you already hurt your wife, she doesn't know it yet.

For starters stop all contact and do not return any of OW attempts to contact you. 

Distance your self from this women and when your wife comes home, face her and tell her about your lack of boundries and the commitment you are making in seeing a counselor for your issues with adultory.

What will really suck even more is if you go back to OW, so please do not make the unhealthy choice to do so.

Its one thing to screw up once, but as a betrayed spouse (me) the continued effort a wayward makes in keeping the affair going is so much more intolorable.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

So you were drunk, left and returned a "couple" of times? Is the OWs house in walking distance? Or did you drive drunk each time you did that? I find it telling that you only thought about hurting your wife after the fact. 

Wonder how she would take the news if you died in a car crash and took someone else with you? I really hope, for your sake, that you are being sincere when you say you will go see a counselor, and that this is not just a way for you to look like you are doing the right thing. Seems pretty damn quick for all that info to get processed. There is no way to really prevent your wife from being hurt, btw. You two might have joked about sex outside the marriage, but I'm more than certain that teasing did not involve you, alone, drunk, being dysfunctional in secret with another married woman and your wife miles away.

I hope you keep us posted on the situation, and I would advise against telling her while she is away. Destroying a persons trust can leave them in a terribly vulnerable place. On the bright side, kids are not going to complicate the decision making process, which is all hers now BTW.


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## lobsterfish (Apr 15, 2012)

Thank you for the comments. 

Yes, her house is within walking distance (I didn't drive there) and she called me within seconds of me leaving, and pleaded for me to come back. It was hard for me to not go as I am attracted to her and don't have a lot of willpower. 

I am really struggling with this and I feel like it is my personality that has caused this. Insecure, needy at times. I was flattered and let it get to this stage. I need some real, productive advice and I know a great counsellor who has helped me previously (different issues). I don't think I'm strong or thinking clearly enough to work this through.

I don't want to lose my wife.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You should also tell the OW's husband who has the right to know what his wife does when he is gone.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

You went there with your will, dear. You knew it was coming...

Now, tell your wife over phone, as she is away and cant return now, and you cant get there, that you would like to talk to her on an important thing on her return.

On her return fess up and never do it again.


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## lobsterfish (Apr 15, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> You should also tell the OW's husband who has the right to know what his wife does when he is gone.


She asked me not to tell and I feel like it is up to her to tell him. It should be her choice, it is their marriage. 

But I am so confused I don't know what to do. I know I don't have any right as I got into this situation myself but I feel so awful. I hate myself for this.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> You should also tell the OW's husband who has the right to know what his wife does when he is gone.


Oh yes! This brings it all out in the open and nips it in the bud. Do not go anywhere near this woman again. My H just kept playing with fire because he was flattered, and their relationship turned into a PA; believe me, you don't want that to happen. It would very likely destroy your marriage. At this point it will be hell to pay, but you will most likely make it especially if you are honest. Good luck to you.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

lobsterfish said:


> Thank you for the comments.
> 
> Yes, her house is within walking distance (I didn't drive there) and she called me within seconds of me leaving, and pleaded for me to come back. It was hard for me to not go as I am attracted to her and don't have a lot of willpower.
> 
> ...


Will power? Sorry, but that's BS. You are a grown man who gets to make his own choices. You ARE CHOSING to go to her. It's not something out of your control, so please be honest with us.

Btw. You need to tell your wife now, AND you need to tell the OW and her husband that you can no longer be friends with them. That you choose your wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

lobsterfish said:


> She asked me not to tell and I feel like it is up to her to tell him. It should be her choice, it is their marriage.
> 
> But I am so confused I don't know what to do. I know I don't have any right as I got into this situation myself but I feel so awful. I hate myself for this.


Up to the point you put your lips willing ply on hers, it wasn't your place to tell. But now, yeah it is your place because you were involved by your own choice. Yeah it's gonna take some guts to tell him, but you were perfectly ok stabbing the guy in the back by meeting up with his wife, at least have the decency to tell him what YOU did.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

You were weak and you made a mistake. Nobody is perfect. It could have been much worse. At least you didn't have sex with her so you don't need to worry about diseases or pregnancy. Also she's probably less likely to go bunny boiling on you than if you had intercourse.

Avoid contact with this woman and learn your lesson and move on with your wife.


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## lobsterfish (Apr 15, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Will power? Sorry, but that's BS. You are a grown man who gets to make his own choices. You ARE CHOSING to go to her. It's not something out of your control, so please be honest with us.
> 
> Btw. You need to tell your wife now, AND you need to tell the OW and her husband that you can no longer be friends with them. That you choose your wife.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I didn't mean that it was out of my control. I know what I did and that I made the decision. I am not blaming it on alcohol, or my upbringing. I accept what I did. 

I realize that I can't turn time back but I just want to make this better and not completely lose my life and potentially ruin my wife's. 

if I tell my wife now it will ruin the opportunity she has. I can't breathe I feel sick with guilt but if I get this load off me I would be doing more damage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

The clock is ticking on what you do next. Do you know that most politicians who get into trouble actually go down for the cover up, and not the thing they did.

It will hurt your wife. You did that already. However immediately cutting contact forever with the other woman and her husband, and tell the husband, and telling you wife, is painful now, but far less painful tan when your wife learns of it later.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You also need to address the reasons WHY you cheated. Unless you do that, you'll be back here shortly. Why didn't you deal with things when she first started with the flirting, touching, whispering? How are you going to remain faithful for the next few months while your wife is gone?

In many cases, the cheating is a symptom of a problem in the relationship. Unfortunately, the impact from the cheating soon becomes THE issue. But it doesn't change the fact that there's some other problem that needs to be addressed as well. And you're glossing over that fact. You make it sound like the only reason you cheated was because this woman forced herself onto you, and you were just too weak to say no.

Are you willing to give up your job to avoid contact with this woman? Are you at least willing to tell her that if she hits on you again, you'll let her husband know? Boy, that sounds wishy washy even as I type it. What are you going to do to make sure it doesn't happen again? Until you figure that out, telling your wife about what happened in the past is the least of your worries, because I think the second breaking of trust is even more damaging than the first.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

You need to confess to your wife and inform the husband as well. How would you feel if you were the husband? You need to let the truth out. You are still disrespecting and humiliating your wife and the husband by not telling them the truth and I think you know this.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

you need to tell your wife - this woman lives within walking distance and has been coming on to you for ages, you get into a situation where you KNOW what's likely to happen and you do it anyway. You didn't get drunk before you went I assume?

just hope that your wife doesn't dump you - I would


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

lobsterfish said:


> Hi all,
> 
> 
> Over the past few months a (female) married friend of mine has been hitting on me, quite clearly. Started with her touching my hand, kissing me on the cheek on the sly, secret looks, etc. *A while ago she told me she has thoughts of me and wants to sleep with me, my wife and her husband.
> ...


Loose boundaries. Wait a second, NO BOUNDARIES. If this idea intrigues your wife, I daresay it won't be much of a shock when you confess.

Are you swingers? It seems unlikely that you would be propositioned in that manner in a non-swinging community.


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## lobsterfish (Apr 15, 2012)

No, we aren't swingers. My wife and I have always had, until now, a typical monogamous relationship. The flirting was always when the OW was inebriated and I always marked it down to drunken flirtations, until she made that proposition and until the recent incident. I never thought about doing anything with her until she made the move before my wife left.

I don't mean to sound like it was her advances that made me do it. I am not trying to get out of my part. I m just thinking about everything that has happened and this was the sequence of events.

Dollystanford, I didn't drink before I went.

I don't want to see the woman anymore. We both feel a sense of extreme guilt and have agreed we need to end our friendship. While I know this is what needs to happen, I don't feel like this really solves that much. The damage has been done. 

I know I have messed up, really, really bad. I am now faced with the potential to lose the woman I love and I don't want that. I am wondering if I can solve this without her knowing but I have this burning feeling that the rest of our lives together would be a lie if I held onto this without telling her. And I don't want to tell her also because she will be hurt and she didn't to anything to be hurt.


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## lobsterfish (Apr 15, 2012)

We have a counsellor who helped us through some tough times before, in our marriage, but nothing like this.

I can't tell anyone what I've done because I think it would be even worse if she (my wife) found out I'd told others before her. I need some help.

I don't know if I should contact a different counsellor to get help or the one that knows us and our history. I'm sorry for these questions, but this is so hard, I don't know what to do next. I need to talk about this.


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## lobsterfish (Apr 15, 2012)

As I said, after the night the next day she called and we agreed it'd be best not to be friends. 

And I know everyone is telling me to tell my wife, but I can't at this moment. She needs this experience and it would make it so, so much harder (maybe impossible) for her, particularly given that she's already out of her comfort zone and needs all of her attention focused on her work.

I am afraid that other husband will return and get told and my wife will find out, before I tell her and when she is vulnerable being away from home without her support network.

I couldn't wait so I emailed our family counsellor.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

You need to tell your wife before she finds out from someone else. If you live within walking distance, it is very likely that someone will tell her. Hard as it is, it is better coming from you.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Since your wife is away I can understand not wanting to tell her on the phone.
See if you can find a marriage counselor before she gets back and book in. It can take a couple of weeks sometimes to get in.
You need to understand that there is no issue of how much this will cost. The financial cost of divorce is to reset your life to zero, so if you have any rainy day money. THIS is the rainy day.

It is your actions that will speak now. 

You must tell her when she returns. She likely will not believe you did not have sex. She will want the details. Give them to her.
She will want timelines, Give them to her.

CUT all contact with this woman. Don't even walk past the house, go the long way around.

Your marriage is in VERY serious trouble and will never be the same again. You are going to need to get into MC.


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## lobsterfish (Apr 15, 2012)

ing said:


> Since your wife is away I can understand not wanting to tell her on the phone.
> See if you can find a marriage counselor before she gets back and book in. It can take a couple of weeks sometimes to get in.
> You need to understand that there is no issue of how much this will cost. The financial cost of divorce is to reset your life to zero, so if you have any rainy day money. THIS is the rainy day.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your reply. I have an appointment with our marriage counsellor tomorrow evening. 

I can't even focus I can't believe what I've done. And I went there knowing what she had said but justified it to myself saying I wouldn't do anything. And there'd be people there. I've destroyed a friendship and potentially 2 marriages. Oh my god
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

I agree with others that you need to tell her ASAP. She's gone for a few months?? She will find out before you tell her, if you wait. And then things will be ten times worse, because she won't believe a word you say about what happened...because you kept it from her. See the snowball reaction?

Don't worry about ruining her mood on her "opportunity" work trip. Sorry, you've already done that. But the sooner you come clean the better...you will have very little credibility with her for a while anyway...but you'll have a heck of a lot more than if she finds out from the other woman's husband.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

You don't want her to think you're only telling her about it because you got caught. You want her to hear it from you first, or odds are she won't ever truly believe your story and how far it went (or didn't go). She may not either way. Just telling you the best damage control you can do. As a BS, I know I would've much preferred to hear of my ex's wandering from her than figure it out in my own. Needless to say, I didn't, so I divorced her. Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Shamwow said:


> You don't want her to think you're only telling her about it because you got caught. You want her to hear it from you first, or odds are she won't ever truly believe your story and how far it went (or didn't go). She may not either way. Just telling you the best damage control you can do. As a BS, I know I would've much preferred to hear of my ex's wandering from her than figure it out in my own. Needless to say, I didn't, so I divorced her. Good luck.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

If the roles were reversed I guess that you would not want your wife to tell you? By the way, I bet when the OW gets drunk again she will tell her husband and the husband will come to you and your wife.


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## Lokum (Mar 10, 2012)

As other members already adviced, firstly, you should not contact other woman at all, delete everything that reminds her. 

My boyfriend (for almost 6 years, living together for 4) had an affair during his trip (they spent nice holidays in same room, kissed etc, but as he swears, no sex).
He swears that same as you he felt so terrible every day, every day dying emotionally from pain and shame for things he did, but I found out that even 3 months after the trip he chatted with her on skype (as friends) but still sharing memories of the wonderful trip in his life (his own words). 
And he deleted her from facebook friendlist only after I found out (6 months after the trip) and also pictures from his album were deleted after I catched him and asked for 1 week.
He says he did not care about her at all anymore therefore he also did not delete her from friendlist. But for me- it shows only not enough remorse. Feeling terrible every day but having her at a friend list? 

Secondly, your wife has a right to know. As I tell my boyfriend, you had your chance to have your pleasure, let me to have my pain. Its her right to know, no matter how painful it is. Its her right to decide does she wants to be with man like you. Dont make all her life a big lie. 

And also I think its better to inform her now. Because if you will tell her later, imagination is strong, she can think that you had affair all the time while she was away. As she is not here, she cant see whether it was only once or every night. 

Lastly, if you will be enough honest to tell her, I wish you also to be strong and patient. I experienced same things as her and you really will have to show a lot of remorse, work and ask for forgiveness and somehow prove that you would never do it again (if its possible to show). 
I hope it can work out for both of you.


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## lobsterfish (Apr 15, 2012)

Lokum, thank you for taking the time to reply. I appreciate hearing your honest story but similar to the other's advice, it is not what I want to hear. 

I understand about telling her. I appreciate that if it is kept from her, there would always be this lie between us. I don't want that in a relationship, but I also don't want to lose her and I know that I've done has the potential to do that. 

And, I don't feel I can or should tell her while she is away. It is hard enough for her at the moment and I don't want to make it harder. I hope that she gets through the trip without this affecting her. 

However, I do have an appointment tomorrow with the counsellor who has a strong knowledge of our both of us and will have some advice, I am sure.

She is so happy at the moment and I have done this, to us. I knew that it was the wrong thing but I could not rationalise how it would affect me, when caught up in the emotion/thoughts/act. I keep thinking that it would have been so simple to not go and my life wouldn't be ruined, but I still did it.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

lobsterfish said:


> Lokum, thank you for taking the time to reply. I appreciate hearing your honest story but similar to the other's advice, *it is not what I want to hear*.


Umm... what? What would you rather hear? Let me guess.. "Its ok man, since you unilaterally decided to have nothing more to do with this woman, you dont need to tell your wife a thing... problem solved.. you can always f*ck your neighbor next time your wife is out of town.. and decide to have nothing to do with her again.."

Secondly, stop feeling sorry for yourself, I've really tried to stay positive while reading the sewage spilling from your mouth, but I'm finding it difficult. Are you honestly looking for some sympathy here? Have you read what this **** does to a person? Do you have even the slightest clue what you actually ALREADY did to your wife? Be a man and own your mistakes. Instead of fishing for sympathy here, get on-line and buy a plane ticket to where ever your wife is at the moment. Go tell her that you acted like a pile of human excrement, and that you would understand if she wanted to flush you down the drain where you belong. Tell her that if she has it in her heart to give you a shot, you will do whatever it takes to try and repair the damage you did, and if you fail, you will help her move on in whatever meaningful way you can muster.

I'm sure that wasn't what you wanted to hear either, but if all you are interested in hearing is "what you want to hear" buy a parrot or a voice recorder or go talk to a mirror.

amazing.....


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## lobsterfish (Apr 15, 2012)

Paladin said:


> Umm... what? What would you rather hear? Let me guess.. "Its ok man, since you unilaterally decided to have nothing more to do with this woman, you dont need to tell your wife a thing... problem solved.. you can always f*ck your neighbor next time your wife is out of town.. and decide to have nothing to do with her again.."
> 
> Secondly, stop feeling sorry for yourself, I've really tried to stay positive while reading the sewage spilling from your mouth, but I'm finding it difficult. Are you honestly looking for some sympathy here? Have you read what this **** does to a person? Do you have even the slightest clue what you actually ALREADY did to your wife? Be a man and own your mistakes. Instead of fishing for sympathy here, get on-line and buy a plane ticket to where ever your wife is at the moment. Go tell her that you acted like a pile of human excrement, and that you would understand if she wanted to flush you down the drain where you belong. Tell her that if she has it in her heart to give you a shot, you will do whatever it takes to try and repair the damage you did, and if you fail, you will help her move on in whatever meaningful way you can muster.
> 
> ...


Paladin, fair enough. 

I'm right in the middle of processing what I've done and what I am risking losing. I am not asking to hear what I want, I was stating that the general advice is difficult to hear. I know I ****ed up. I know there isn't an easy way out. 

I don't want sympathy, just want to talk about it and hear other's advice.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

lobsterfish said:


> I'm right in the middle of processing what I've done ...general advice is difficult to hear. I know I ****ed up. I know there isn't an easy way out...I don't want sympathy, just want to talk about it and hear other's advice.


You know what else will be difficult to hear? Your wife's heart and soul being smashed to a million pieces, while she cries, sobs, and shakes with grief. The anguish in her voice as she asks you why you did it, and the deafening silence that will remain when she is gone and you are alone with your thoughts.

You asked for advice, and good, caring people offered it to you. See your shrink tomorrow, and for F*cks sake ACT. Dont just sit there being scared, go face it. If you are lucky, and your wife is a compassionate person, you will be given a chance to atone for what you did.

If you want to be more productive with your time while you wait to see your shrink, read through 10 or 20 threads on this sub forum and see if you can learn something useful to help your poor wife through the crap you are about to lay at her feet. Just an FYI, infidelity is often equated with rape, or the death of a close family member, in terms of impact on a person.

One last thing, once your wife knows, you should tell the OW husband. I highly doubt you are the only person shes ever messed around with while he was away. I would also get checked for STDs. You say only kissing, but who knows, maybe your gums were bleeding, and you picked something up. No need to spread misery and disease at the same time.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Lobsterfish, why can't you get to where she is? I can see that maybe she can't come home, but it's difficult to imagine a situation where you can't get to her if you want to badly enough. 

If you really can't here's your dilemma. You need to tell her, but I think you understand that and want to. So if you tell her now you are in some measure preserving this work opportunity for her. The flip side is that you will be making your marital situation worse, you will be gambling your marriage further to protect her today. You also run the risk that when you tell her you will ruin whatever it is she is doing now when she realizes that you lied to her for months and everything she thought she knew was a lie. If you tell her now you will obviously crush her and seriously jeapordize what she is doing, but she may be strong enough to deal with it. 

Standard operating procedure here is to tell you to tell her immediately, no matter what. But, there are some legitimate mitigating circumstances here. You will have to decide what you think is best for her. You sound like a large part of you wants to tell her to clear your conscious, this is the wrong reason, this isn't about you. Tell her or not because it is your best effort to do what you think is best for her. Having said that, the truth is always what is best. 

So I'll amend my usual advice to confess immediately to confess ASAP. But understand you are making what you did worse with every day she doesn't know. Is what she's doing worth that price? I don't know. If she finds out from someone else it will be a million times worse. If she ask you about it, even with a generic leading question like, "is everything ok?" Tell her, if she does that she's onto you. If she suspects something do her the favor of going ahead and giving her the truth. Don't do the usual cheater move of lying to her face, and making her think she's crazy.


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## lobsterfish (Apr 15, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> Lobsterfish, why can't you get to where she is? I can see that maybe she can't come home, but it's difficult to imagine a situation where you can't get to her if you want to badly enough.


She is overseas and we can't afford to fly me there.. Sending her there is already using up all of our mortgage offset account. We literally cannot afford it and I know her well enough that she would be very upset with me spending any money I could scrape up. In the past it has been the cause of our fights and I don't want to do anything that will add to this. 

I am afraid of revealing too much about our lives in case someone I know would read this and guess who we are but this opportunity is a once in a lifetime one for her. It will make her career. She has been waiting and planning this for over a year. She also isn't being paid for the her travels and receives 14,000/year. I earn under 50,000. She is very good with money and would hate it if I spent our main source of income.

I hear you that it may make it worse holding onto it until she returns. I don't even know if I can bear this but I have ****ed up enough and want to do what is right, even if too late. 

I am going to wait to make a decision until I speak to the counsellor tomorrow night. His advice fixed our problems before and he knows our relationship intimately. 

Thanks everyone for your advice.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

lovesherman said:


> You need to tell your wife before she finds out from someone else. If you live within walking distance, it is very likely that someone will tell her. Hard as it is, it is better coming from you.


I agree with this. Let your wife concentrate on her work and hope that you're still the one who tells her first.

You should also remember that every human is a wild card. Whatever you think you agreed to with this other woman, well, she may choose not to stay in the box that you have chosen for her_......if you know what I mean._


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