# Have a hard time getting over fights and getting back to normal



## ptomczyk11 (Feb 9, 2015)

Hi,

I love my wife and we are great; we rally have big blow out fights and we get a long great for the most part.

I'm realizing two things that I / we don't do well in our relationship:

1. When we have a fight I tend to take more time to get over it (a day or two), and it's hard for me to be all affectionate again when I'm still annoyed/angry. She always says to me after we have a fight, great now you are going to be weird for the next two days.

She's right, I don't want to be like this but I just can't get over a fight and be lovey dovey again with her after what was said...it's hard for me.

Does anyone else have this issue? How do you recover and not let this drag out for a couple of days?

2. I notice we don't bicker well, it could be something trivial/stupid that I want her to do; like shut the door to the laundry room in the winter because all the cold air gets into the house of our already high heating bills. 

So I'll say can you shut the door because all the cold air is getting in and she will be I'm just in here for a couple seconds, she says that but its actually minutes. So instead of just doing it and making me happy she has to defend herself and we start bickering and I get annoyed because I don't get why she just can't do it and shut the door behind her.

So then I get weird with her again and I have a hard time just getting back to neutral again.

Has anyone else gone through this when bickering turns into both parties just defending their point of view and getting into another stupid fight?

I see how my parents bicker and they have a great back and forth and they both defend themselves too but it seems more light hearted than when we do it.

Thank you!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Grudge holding, which is what you're doing, is a power play. I know because I'm prone to it too. It's your way of maintaining a little more control over her.

I find it helpful to repeat to myself that it's not that big of a deal and I don't want to look back as I get older and think about all the time I wasted holding grudges. I'm not always successful but it's helped a lot.

You either have to address something it you're still bothered by it or let it go. And realize that you're probably not such a peach to deal with either.....nor am I.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

My stbx would never let go of things. Small items would become huge. If I forgot to turn a light off in the house she would call me at work screaming as an example.

It wasn't the light being on, it was her perceived loss of control. 

The two of you rarely fight because isn't comfortable. She sees your reaction to something small what will your reaction be to something big? Its going to lead to resentment on your spouses part.

You might want to consider seeing a counselor to help deal with these issues.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

honcho said:


> My stbx would never let go of things. Small items would become huge. If I forgot to turn a light off in the house she would call me at work screaming as an example.
> 
> It wasn't the light being on, it was her perceived loss of control.
> 
> ...



Good point. Because you're such a grudge holder that means your wife can't approach you about things that bother her so nothing gets brought up. Then when it finally does it's a big fight.

This is a great situation for a waw with you being blindsided because you had no idea anything was wrong. Which you'll never know if she can't approach you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

When you say that she leaves the door open for minutes.. how many? 5? 65?


When you fight like this.. are you two calling each other names and saying awful things to each other?

Can you give use an idea of 2 or 3 more things that usually lead to these fights?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

lifeistooshort said:


> Grudge holding, which is what you're doing, is a power play.


I'm not so positive about that. It could also be the 'weaker' person simply STILL HURTING. His wife seems to be quite callous and quick to get over it because - possibly - she simply doesn't give a flip about him. He is just her accessory, her support. 

He shouldn't be having balls-out fights, but he SHOULD be THEN sitting down and discussing the issues in the fight and RESOLVING them.

Hence the continuous fighting. Nothing ever gets fixed.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

turnera said:


> I'm not so positive about that. It could also be the 'weaker' person simply STILL HURTING. His wife seems to be quite callous and quick to get over it because - possibly - she simply doesn't give a flip about him. He is just her accessory, her support.
> 
> He shouldn't be having balls-out fights, but he SHOULD be THEN sitting down and discussing the issues in the fight and RESOLVING them.
> 
> Hence the continuous fighting. Nothing ever gets fixed.


I see your point, but based on his other posts I don't think this is the case. His wife routinely asks for more affection from him, which he doesn't give because he thinks he doesn't get enough sex. So it becomes a nasty cycle, and he also admits he never initiates affection but is upset that she doesn't initiate sex. 

This doesn't sound like someone who doesn't give a flip about him while he's hurting. It sounds like he controls things. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

You need to learn to "not sweat the little things" so to speak.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ok, two things. STOP making new threads, ok? Just keep to one.

Second, what happened to that MC you said in one of your other threads you were going to?


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I have some similar issues where I can't get back to normal straight away after a fight. It usually is made worse if I don't feel like it was completely resolved. So I have these bad feelings that are dredged up and they need some time to drain away. If it's really not resolved, they might stick around for as long as it takes to resolve it (weeks even). During this time, I still make myself show affection. Even forced affection is better than none at all. E.g. still kiss him goodbye and hello, still hug etc.

As for being able to do the whole back and forth without it becoming bad, it comes down to being able to laugh at yourself I think. That's just personal opinion. Take yourself too seriously and next thing you know, every little issue is a big issue. Getting worked up over some cold air coming in? Take a minute, look down on yourself and see the ridiculousness in that situation. You're being a big sour puss. Lighten up.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I think just openly and honestly sharing your heart with her would help. 

"Honey, when I ask you to close the door, and a few minutes later it is still open, I feel frustrated. How do you think we could resolve this?"

"Honey, I feel upset right now. I need acknowledgement of my feelings to get over this quickly. Could you please do some active listening with me?"

Okay, don't laugh at that last one. I actually say that to my husband.


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## ptomczyk11 (Feb 9, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> When you say that she leaves the door open for minutes.. how many? 5? 65?
> 
> 
> When you fight like this.. are you two calling each other names and saying awful things to each other?
> ...


I would say around 2-3 minutes, but she goes in and to put into washer then back to switch to dryer. 

Sorry, actually bad choice of words...we don't really have a big blow out fight; what really gets under my skin and annoys me is how she can sometimes be sarcastic/condescending when she says things to me sometimes...it's annoying.

I'll be like can you please shut the door when you go into the laundry room so all the cold air doesn't get into the house, and she will justify her reason of not doing it by saying I'm only in hear for a couple seconds, that's not going to do anything or she'll just ugh after I say it and still not do it. So instead of going back/forth with her explaining my reason of why it should be closed; I started just getting up and closing the door myself once she goes into the laundry room.



manfromlamancha said:


> You need to learn to "not sweat the little things" so to speak.


Yes, I totally agree; this is something I have to work on but it's easier said than done sometimes.



turnera said:


> Ok, two things. STOP making new threads, ok? Just keep to one.
> 
> Second, what happened to that MC you said in one of your other threads you were going to?


Yes, we had our 2nd session the other days; things are going good but we haven't touched on this yet.



breeze said:


> I have some similar issues where I can't get back to normal straight away after a fight. It usually is made worse if I don't feel like it was completely resolved. So I have these bad feelings that are dredged up and they need some time to drain away. If it's really not resolved, they might stick around for as long as it takes to resolve it (weeks even). During this time, I still make myself show affection. Even forced affection is better than none at all. E.g. still kiss him goodbye and hello, still hug etc.
> 
> As for being able to do the whole back and forth without it becoming bad, it comes down to being able to laugh at yourself I think. That's just personal opinion. Take yourself too seriously and next thing you know, every little issue is a big issue. Getting worked up over some cold air coming in? Take a minute, look down on yourself and see the ridiculousness in that situation. You're being a big sour puss. Lighten up.


Yes, I definitely agree that is something that is so trivial that I just have to let it stop bothering me. 

However, the issue I have with this laundry door being open in the winter also stems from her telling me each month "why is the heating bill so much money money this month? It shouldn't be this high...". 

So in the back of my head, I just want to say "well, it doesn't help that you keep leaving the laundry door open each time you go into the laundry room; maybe we should start there". It's not worth it for me to say this; so I'm like oh it's probably because we have an old boiler and it's not as energy efficient as newer ones.



lifeistooshort said:


> Good point. Because you're such a grudge holder that means your wife can't approach you about things that bother her so nothing gets brought up. Then when it finally does it's a big fight.
> 
> This is a great situation for a waw with you being blindsided because you had no idea anything was wrong. Which you'll never know if she can't approach you.


That's the thing she has no problem voicing what she wants me to do when something bothers her; so lately instead of me trying to defend/justify my view I just do it so I stop hearing her say it.

For example, a similar situation as the my issue with her and the laundry door; I'll sometimes go outside on the patio for a couple minutes and I don't shut the door...she immediately freaks out and says shut the door your going to let all the bugs into the house. Which I agree with her, but why is this okay but when I say shut the laundry door you are going to let all the cold air into the house, this is not okay...it's annoying how she justifies what she believes to be right and dismisses my requests but I have to honor all of hers.

Or another stupid example, I always put those flavor mixers into my water; and if I don't finish it I'll pour the rest down the sink. So she'll be like how many times have I told you not to pour this all over the sink because it leaves a stain. In my head I'm like your crazy, there is no way this flavored water is going to stain the sink permanently; so to avoid an issue I'll go to the sink and just spray water and put a little effort to make the red-ish stain go away.



jld said:


> I think just openly and honestly sharing your heart with her would help.
> 
> "Honey, when I ask you to close the door, and a few minutes later it is still open, I feel frustrated. How do you think we could resolve this?"
> 
> ...


Yes, I see what you mean. I think she would respond better to just shutting the door instead of justifying the reason it is open if we just had better communication and we both actually listen to what each other is saying instead of defending/justifying our views.


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## unblinded (May 27, 2015)

turnera said:


> I'm not so positive about that. It could also be the 'weaker' person simply STILL HURTING. His wife seems to be quite callous and quick to get over it because - possibly - she simply doesn't give a flip about him. He is just her accessory, her support.
> 
> He shouldn't be having balls-out fights, but he SHOULD be THEN sitting down and discussing the issues in the fight and RESOLVING them.
> 
> *Hence the continuous fighting. Nothing ever gets fixed.*


:iagree: This!

One of the things that truly annoyed me during my marriage is that we argued about the same crap over and over. I hated it, but my stbxw preferred to simply pretend the transgression never happened and move along without ever discussing the core issues.

If she did something to me, she expected me to get over it without any further discussion. 

If I did something to her, she would tell me "hey, it's no big deal." (As it turns out, however, she was holding the mother of all grudges and blamed me for every negative aspect of her life...even the stuff that happened before we met--no lie!)

Oh well...what can you do? :smcowboy:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You really do need to learn to not sweat the small stuff.

Leaving the door open for 2-3 minutes is not going to drive your heating bill up.

How often do you do the laundry. I'm just curious.


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## ptomczyk11 (Feb 9, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> You really do need to learn to not sweat the small stuff.
> 
> Leaving the door open for 2-3 minutes is not going to drive your heating bill up.
> 
> How often do you do the laundry. I'm just curious.


Yes, I agree...

For me it's less about the heating bill being high but if she's going to complain to me about it each time but then does things that will cause the heating bill to go up, it's just annoying. And also I would just like if she would just do it for me because it will make me happy instead of defending her position.

I've been making every effort possible when she asks me to do something, even though I don't agree with her, if it's something trivial I'll just do it to make her happy; so I would like to also get that same courtesy when I ask her to do something trivial.

She does the laundry, maybe once a week.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

So maybe you have deeper resentments and this comes out in the little things? When you don't like someone they can't make toast right. 

Perhaps this is related to your affection/sex issue and the lack of bonding? Clearly you're both irritated with each other, and you're in a nasty cycle.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

ptomczyk11 said:


> Yes, I agree...
> 
> For me it's less about the heating bill being high but if she's going to complain to me about it each time but then does things that will cause the heating bill to go up, it's just annoying. And also I would just like if she would just do it for me because it will make me happy instead of defending her position.


Why should she? You fight with her constantly. You are her enemy, just like she is yours. If you want HER to do things for YOU, start doing things for HER. Do you even know what her top 5 Emotional Needs are?


My H used to complain to me about how I mowed the lawn. In fact, he would go back BEHIND me and RE-MOW it sometimes because in his mind I didn't do a good enough job. I finally got tired of it. The last time he ever re-mowed, I caught him doing it, I stood there until he noticed me and came over, and I just said "You just gave yourself a new job" and I went inside. It's been his job ever since.

If she complains about the job you're doing, give it to her.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Marriage is hard. Things in life are hard. Just because things are hard does not mean you have an excuse to do something that you yourself know is wrong (hold a grudge).

Regarding keeping the door open in the laundry room.... Your wife does not want you to pick on her or criticize her actions. Any actions she makes. Thus you need to reserve criticism for VERY IMPORTANT things.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

intheory, the next time he criticizes your toast, take my cue. "You just gave yourself a new job! Have fun, babe!" and go do something else.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

If you do not fix that patern, the resentment will kill your marriage. 

If you start doing things just to avoid her complaining - that's bad. And it seems that it does not go other way, she does not care much about small things that bother you. Here is the imbalance of power. Hopefully the MC will help you to take care of it/


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ptomczyk11 said:


> Yes, I agree...
> 
> For me it's less about the heating bill being high but if she's going to complain to me about it each time but then does things that will cause the heating bill to go up, it's just annoying. And also I would just like if she would just do it for me because it will make me happy instead of defending her position.
> 
> ...


You say that in the winter the laundry room is so cold that leaving the door open for 2-3 minutes will cause your heating bill to go up. So all winter long your wife has to go out into a freezing room to do your laundry. But you complain because she leaves the door open for a couple of minutes. Really?

The rest of what you wrote is indicative of the big problem. You are resentful of your wife. You feel that she does not do enough to please you. That's the bottom line.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

"And I agree with lifeistooshort, the problems you are having with sex/affection right now, will not help this. They will make it worse."

This is true. It goes the other way.. issues like you nit picking your wife and her you, will cause more and more problems with sex/affection. 

It's a vicious cycle that will spiral down until the two of you hate each other.

There is a way to stop this cycle. It would take one of you to stop the nit picking and deal with their own anger/resentment. A cycle can only continue if both of you continually do what feeds it. 

You are the one who is here looking for help. So my suggestion is that you find ways to stop your part of the cycle.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What is your MIL going to do when she runs this car into the ground?

Your husband has essentially bought her a car. So why not make that official and buy her a used one?


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## ptomczyk11 (Feb 9, 2015)

Thanks for the replies!

I think there are a couple things here that I/we have to work on.

1. Learn to not sweat the small things...
2. Have a better balance of power between us...
3. Have better communication/understanding that when each of us asks one another to do something trivial to just do it for your spouse to make them happy.

I always tell her that now that we are married we have lost the ability to say "yes" to each other, but instead have an easier time saying "no" to each other. I remember during the early years, I would say something or she would say something and both of us were more than happy to do it no matter what. So I always try to tell her even though we are married and we have a very mundane daily schedule; let's go back to the #dateyourspouse days and not make it so easy to say "no" to each other.

Things have been getting better lately; this past weekend she was away for a friend's bachelorette party. So I made sure to send her loving texts, animated gifs, told her i missed her, and can't wait to see her...all the affection that she likes. 

And when she got home I bough her some of her favorite treats and wrote a card saying it was her "hangover cure" basket and wrote that I missed her and loved her....which she obviously appreciated it.

Even though I just wanted to tear off her clothes and have sex with my beautiful wife that I haven't seen the whole weekend; I kept it purely non-sexual and just hugged her and cuddled her until she went to sleep.

So hopefully this is the beginning of a good cycle starting...lol.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Add to that list of yours: Accept that she has her own way of doing things and do not nag her for that.


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## ptomczyk11 (Feb 9, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Add to that list of yours: Accept that she has her own way of doing things and do not nag her for that.


Yes, I completely agree...but I would hope the same applies to her in realizing I to have my own ways of doing things as well.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ptomczyk11 said:


> Yes, I completely agree...but I would hope the same applies to her in realizing I to have my own ways of doing things as well.


Well, you only have control over your own behavior. So starting there makes a lot of sense. 

If you keep going for tit-for-tat, there will be no peace.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Well, you only have control over your own behavior. So starting there makes a lot of sense.
> 
> If you keep going for tit-for-tat, there will be no peace.


To add to EleGirl's point, part of that control is not reacting to her. When she complains about something, ignore the tone and focus on what she is saying. Will bugs really get in the house? if so, shut the door, otherwise, politely say you don't agree and move on.

The key is don't engage in this destructive behavior from either side.


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