# Sympathy for the devil



## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

My wife of 13 years cheated for months on end with a thug - the lowest form of human excrement she could find. Dday was November 2012. She left, destroying me and our 2 children, with no real explanation. I discovered the affair a few days later. She said she wanted to make it work, but the guilt was eating her alive and she knew I would never forgive her. She was right - after a false R, I ended things and I am divorcing her.

I am happy and much healthier mentally and physically since we split. She is miserable - living a "cold, empty life". I'll never understand her choice to betray and leave a good man and a good life. I was a good husband to her and she had it good - of course she sees that now. Regret is a helluva thing.

But what I REALLY don't understand is why she would do this when she knew what the outcome would be (divorce) and that she so badly wants me and our old life back. She constantly texts me things like "I miss you so much", "I'll always love you", "I'm so very sorry", and this one Christmas day (the kids were with me, as they mostly are): "I sometimes think that if I just do one more painful experience then I'll wake up and everything will be OK again...I wonder if today is that experience. Missing you. I'm so sorry. XO".

WTF is that?? This **** is constant. What is the mentality, the thought process here? It's not like it was a one time, uber-drunken ONS...although that would be a deal breaker too. This was months on end (that I know of), calculated deception, and she KNEW the outcome. She knew the second she spread for POSOM that she had torched the marriage and our family - but continued to do so...and now there's all this regret, wanting me back, mourning the loss of us and our family. 

At first I had sympathy - or empathy...but I'm so detached and I loathe her more than any human on the planet that I feel that less and less. I'm so confused. I simply cannot wrap my head around this mentality - that someone would make calculated, deliberate choices for months on end, knowing full well what the outcome would be - and then having such huge regret and wanting to take it back, wanting back what they threw away. It's angering, confusing and bewildering. Is it stupidity? Mental illness? Pure, good old fashioned selfish cake eating? Emotional and intellectual immaturity (she's 36)? 

It would be far less confusing if this was purely an exit affair and she got what she wanted and moved on with her life. But it's not that. She's MISERABLE. Her life IS cold and empty. But she knew damn well what the consequences of her sex and drug fueled double life would be.

Would she be happier if I were miserable and lonely? Is it that I'm thriving, happy and a stronger, better man than ever? It's not like she thought I'd take her back - she knew I wouldn't. But now she wants me back???

Help me understand.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

It sounds like a mental illness. 

Was she sexually abused as a child? Many Waywards were sexually abused as children. My own wife was.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> It sounds like a mental illness.
> 
> Was she sexually abused as a child? Many Waywards were sexually abused as children. My own wife was.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, she wasn't. She witnessed someone else being abused - but not her. She was treated well by everyone in her life (her bio dad was not in the picture, but she's had a step dad that treated her like gold since she was 3).


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

She has something there... I couldn't tell you what it is. My exgf had some self destructive behavior, it was due to childhood trauma but she was well past the normal spectrum.

Do you loathe your stbx or do you loathe what she did and since you cannot for the life of you figure out why, place the loathing on her?

If you understand why she did what she did, you can probably forgive her and the loathing you have for her can go away. Forgiveness is so you won't be tied to her emotional hell, not necessarily for R. Merry Christmas brother.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Healer said:


> At first I had sympathy - or empathy...but I'm so detached and I loathe her more than any human on the planet that I feel that less and less. I'm so confused. I simply cannot wrap my head around this mentality - that someone would make calculated, deliberate choices for months on end, knowing full well what the outcome would be - and then having such huge regret and wanting to take it back, wanting back what they threw away. It's angering, confusing and bewildering. Is it stupidity? Mental illness? Pure, good old fashioned selfish cake eating? Emotional and intellectual immaturity (she's 36)?
> 
> It would be far less confusing if this was purely an exit affair and she got what she wanted and moved on with her life. But it's not that. She's MISERABLE. Her life IS cold and empty. But she knew damn well what the consequences of her sex and drug fueled double life would be.
> 
> Help me understand.


Sorry if this sounds cold but ...... why are you wasting your time pondering this? You have freed yourself of a horrible cancer and moved on. You yourself said "I loathe her more than any human on the planet" so look forward and not backwards. I'm of the opinion, based on what I know of your story, that if she truly is this miserable, then is getting exactly what she deserves. You should have no sympathy for her whatsoever and only focus on yourself.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I just can't muster any sympathy for your wife based on your story. 

Then again, I can't seem to generate any sympathy for my xWW either.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

I think the answer may be that she doesn't really "own" what she did. 

If she did, she'd be more resigned and philosophical about the outcome; she'd know that she screwed up and accept the consequences, she'd understand that pressuring you is selfish.

Perhaps you should help her understand that and encourage her to get into counseling. Then, stop communicating with her unless absolutely necessary.

Anyway, just my 2 cents.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> Okay, here's my humble slightly self-educated, nearly useless, somewhat thought-provoking opinion.
> 
> First of all, we don't forget the one's we've spent time with loving and living with. There are good memories to all marriages or we would not have gotten married. I mean, unless there is some huge mental problem. I don't see that in your post, though.
> 
> ...


Thanks for this. I would understand her trying to placate me if I was lashing out or emotionally beating her up - but I'm not - I'm simply silent. I respond to the texts I have to (stuff regarding the kids) but nothing else. I am simply non-responsive. I did respond to the xmas day text with "Merry Christmas". That's it.

She does not express anger or vitriol towards me at all. I know for a fact she did to others while we were still together - and she was a ***** when we were together. She has been soft with me since the split.

Regarding the "intolerable issues" - no. They weren't there. We worked opposite schedules (she's a ****tail waitress at a meat market) and we spent little time together - she refused to get a day job. That bar was and is her true love. I treated her well - told her I loved her everyday, gave up my social life to put HER constant cheating fears to rest (she accused me constantly for the 15 years we were together), came straight home every night to take care of the kids, got up with the kids every weekend so she could sleep all day...nice guy stuff. She threw that away for a thug that treated her like garbage. I NEVER spoke ill of her to anyone, constantly defended her to people who were always telling me I was too good for her.

I will NEVER go back to her, and she knows it. She still pines for us to be "friends" and for us to hang out and for me to communicate with her - but I won't. We have a business arrangement, that's it. I never tell her I hate her - I never have. But I do - I despise her. She emotionally abused me for years with the cheating accusations, all the while it was she who was banging other men. She destroyed my family and broke the hearts of my dear children. I would hate anyone who did that. But the hate is not active or in her face - I am civil to her. She doesn't see it...maybe she feels it though.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

The Middleman said:


> Sorry if this sounds cold but ...... why are you wasting your time pondering this? You have freed yourself of a horrible cancer and moved on. You yourself said "I loathe her more than any human on the planet" so look forward and not backwards. I'm of the opinion, based on what I know of your story, that if she truly is this miserable, then is getting exactly what she deserves. You should have no sympathy for her whatsoever and only focus on yourself.


I know - and I'm trying, but her constant bombardment with texts makes it so difficult, and I can't simply block her because that's how we communicate about the kids.

I am detaching, more and more each week. But she texts me as much now as she did when we were together.

She certainly is getting what she deserves, but 15 years together is a long time, and I am, admittedly, not fully detached yet. My mom said the other day "how are you ever going to be able to move on when she's always in your face?". I don't know.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

She is still selfish. She got the high from her cheating addiction.

She still want to cake eat. She somehow thinks that if she, the princess, tells you what she wants, she will somehow get that back. 

She wants you to sweep it all under the rug, take her back, let her cheat again, take her back and let her cheat again and again. 

So glad that she is not married to you now. I would try to only communicate with her regarding your children, and ask her to do the same. She is still extremely selfish. 

I hope you find even more happiness in the new year. Continue the 180.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Healer said:


> I know - and I'm trying, but her constant bombardment with texts makes it so difficult, and I can't simply block her because that's how we communicate about the kids.
> 
> I am detaching, more and more each week. But she texts me as much now as she did when we were together.
> 
> She certainly is getting what she deserves, but 15 years together is a long time, and I am, admittedly, not fully detached yet. My mom said the other day "how are you ever going to be able to move on when she's always in your face?". I don't know.


You get her out of your face... Get a secondary phone just a cheap one with text only, just for her and when you have the kids, you turn it off and put it away until needed. You open the door and you push her out strongly and slowly until she is gone. She realizes what she had. Forgive her brother. She is human. forgive her so you can move on without that emotional attachment to her.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Healer said:


> No, she wasn't. She witnessed someone else being abused - but not her. She was treated well by everyone in her life (her bio dad was not in the picture, but she's had a step dad that treated her like gold since she was 3).


Then is it possible she over-identified with the person who was abused?:scratchhead:


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

harrybrown said:


> She is still selfish. She got the high from her cheating addiction.
> 
> She still want to cake eat. She somehow thinks that if she, the princess, tells you what she wants, she will somehow get that back.
> 
> ...


Thanks Harry - and I agree. She is STILL selfish. She needs to let me be, but she won't. I do only communicate about the kids - I don't respond to the other stuff.

She even often writes "sorry, I'll leave you alone", or "Sorry, I know you don't want to hear this stuff". Yet she continues.

The 180 and her seeing me thrive drives her bat**** crazy.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

MovingAhead said:


> You get her out of your face... Get a secondary phone just a cheap one with text only, just for her and when you have the kids, you turn it off and put it away until needed. You open the door and you push her out strongly and slowly until she is gone. She realizes what she had. Forgive her brother. She is human. forgive her so you can move on without that emotional attachment to her.


I know I have to.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Then is it possible she over-identified with the person who was abused?:scratchhead:


Yes - it was her half sister.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

She might have extreme guilt for not being able to help her half sister. Brother she has some deep seeded issues. I cannot tell you what they are but replace your loathing of her with forgiveness.

Please understand I do not mean for you to stay with her. It will help you to detach.


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## BashfulB (Jul 1, 2013)

Next time you gt serious with a woman, make sure she is not a barfly.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

MovingAhead said:


> She might have extreme guilt for not being able to help her half sister. Brother she has some deep seeded issues. I cannot tell you what they are but replace your loathing of her with forgiveness.
> 
> Please understand I do not mean for you to stay with her. It will help you to detach.


Working on it bro, working on it.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

BashfulBull said:


> Next time you gt serious with a woman, make sure she is not a barfly.


I told my buddy this hella hot bartender accepted my friend request on Facebook and he threatened to slap me silly. "Don't you dare get with someone in the service industry again!!".

Don't I know it.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> And this right here, is why you started this thread. I never said you did anything. I may have read you story, but did not revisit before I posted. The reason you are feeling bad is because your xW knows what works on you. She is using your emotions to her advantage.
> 
> *Please start the 180 again. *
> 
> You don't need this aggravation. As others have said, you were on a good path to heal. She knows, like I stated above, we never forget the ones we love. It is possible to feel strong emotion even though we've chosen not to love them in a way they will understand.


She knows I have a soft heart, and it kills her to see me detach and be cold towards her. I don't even look at her when I drop off/pick up the kids. She said the other day "this estrangement is killing me. KILLING ME".

I may have a soft heart, but I'm not a doormat and if you burn me, I will cut you from my life. I have a long fuse, but once it's lit, it's over with.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> Holy crap.........thank you for that comment. I just had a  moment.


Are you dating a waitress?


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## BashfulB (Jul 1, 2013)

Healer said:


> I told my buddy this hella hot bartender accepted my friend request on Facebook and he threatened to slap me silly. "Don't you dare get with someone in the service industry again!!".
> 
> Don't I know it.


No good ever comes from it. 

I like to drink and have a good time at saloons and bars, and I have alot of friends in the local bar scene here. I also know alot of the women who work as bartenders and hostesses, and to a person they are all immoral. They are nice and friendly to be sure, but they have the moral makeup of nanny goats. 

They're fun to flirt with and maybe have an occasional ONS with, but brother don't ever ever give your heart to one.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Healer,

Your exW loves attention. Now don't get me wrong. We all like attention. But some people need more than normal amounts of attention. This is why she loves her job. She gets tons of attention. Eventually she got used to that attention and no amount of attention from you could possibly satisfy her needs. Now at this "meat market" she probably saw lots of cheating going on. That is why she accused you of cheating all those years. After all, everyone around her was cheating so you must have been cheating as well. That atmosphere became second nature to her. It became normal. Eventually her boundaries weakened to the point that cheating just became something everyone does and was doing. She didn't see herself cheating as throwing anything away. She saw others cheating and in her mind they weren't losing anything. She was the one missing out by not cheating. She didn't see their crappy marriages outside of work. She didn't know the ones that were getting divorced or the ones whose spouses were cheating as well. All she saw was people cheating, having a good time and claiming to still have great home lives. She was presented with unicorns and butterflies and swallowed it all hook line and sinker. She never saw the thorns...until you found out. Now that she is feeling the thorns and she doesn't like it so much. Now that she isn't getting attention from the one person she wants it from she is miserable. None of that other attention matters now because she isn't getting it from the main source....from you. Your being indifferent to her is killing her because she cannot bear the thought that someone in this world doesn't want to lavish their attention on her. The fact that its you is all the more painful for her. You have become the one thing in this world that she can never have. You are now her obsession. You are Mount Olympus...always there but never reachable.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

Healer said:


> Yes - it was her half sister.


I hope it was not her half sister from the step-father who treated her like gold, because that surely would had provoke her serious issues, (and more if the abuser was the same step-father) and even worst if the abuser was her biological father and abused her half sister (from his mother).

she probably have some serious issues related to this.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Heck of a way to live, via texts. 

My oldest living brother moved to Seattle years ago with his second wife for a promotion. He is well off. They had a son and around the time he turned four my brother noticed his wife was acting strange. Turns out she was hooked on herion and hanging out with bikers. My brother filed for D right away. No attempt at patching this M. He got 100% custody of his son. My nephew just started college. My brother is remarried and they are now living back in Virginia as is his ex. My nephew has had little contact with his mother over the years. I met her once after the D.. She is remarried, off drugs, a Christian and is doing well.

Why did she do what she did? My brother says he has no clue and does not care and that was about 16 years ago.

Stay the course. She is trying to wear you down, plain and simple, it seems you are the only thing she has in life.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Some women won't resist that bad boy who is showing attention. They know there's no future in it; they know it's destructive; they know the guy is bad news. But it's a thrill for the moment that they won't bring themselves to resist. The corollary for men is the cheap, sl*tty woman whose advances they accept. They know that doing it can bring disaster, but they don't resist. It's selfish, self-indulgent, and immature. 

If you sympathize, it should be for her weakness of character, in my opinion. If you get yourself out of range of her constant contact, you can even avoid this little bit of undeserved sentiment for her.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I think it was "crazy crotch syndrome"!

LOL!

This is selfish on my part, but having her post on CWI might open up her rat maze mind.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

bfree said:


> Healer,
> 
> Your exW loves attention. Now don't get me wrong. We all like attention. But some people need more than normal amounts of attention. This is why she loves her job. She gets tons of attention. Eventually she got used to that attention and no amount of attention from you could possibly satisfy her needs. Now at this "meat market" she probably saw lots of cheating going on. That is why she accused you of cheating all those years. After all, everyone around her was cheating so you must have been cheating as well. That atmosphere became second nature to her. It became normal. Eventually her boundaries weakened to the point that cheating just became something everyone does and was doing. She didn't see herself cheating as throwing anything away. She saw others cheating and in her mind they weren't losing anything. She was the one missing out by not cheating. She didn't see their crappy marriages outside of work. She didn't know the ones that were getting divorced or the ones whose spouses were cheating as well. All she saw was people cheating, having a good time and claiming to still have great home lives. She was presented with unicorns and butterflies and swallowed it all hook line and sinker. She never saw the thorns...until you found out. Now that she is feeling the thorns and she doesn't like it so much. Now that she isn't getting attention from the one person she wants it from she is miserable. None of that other attention matters now because she isn't getting it from the main source....from you. Your being indifferent to her is killing her because she cannot bear the thought that someone in this world doesn't want to lavish their attention on her. The fact that its you is all the more painful for her. You have become the one thing in this world that she can never have. You are now her obsession. You are Mount Olympus...always there but never reachable.


Wow - you nailed it here.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

manticore said:


> I hope it was not her half sister from the step-father who treated her like gold, because that surely would had provoke her serious issues, (and more if the abuser was the same step-father) and even worst if the abuser was her biological father and abused her half sister (from his mother).
> 
> she probably have some serious issues related to this.


It was my stbxw's bio father that molested her half sister (different dad). Yes - this certainly f*cked her up.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

What do you mean she cheated with a "thug"? Like a gangster? Or some tat infested scumbag?


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

Healer said:


> It was my stbxw's bio father that molested her half sister (different dad). Yes - this certainly f*cked her up.


this don't excuse her actions (because there are people that have been abused with several issues but they never cheat), but yes of course this affects her world vision permanently, seeing her father a man who is supposed to be a protective and loving figure abusing her sister obviously distorted her vision towards men.


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## Singledude21 (Feb 21, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> What do you mean she cheated with a "thug"? Like a gangster? Or some tat infested scumbag?


Gonna take a wild guess and say Healer is black or Hispanic. And in that I know exactly what he means, pretty much your typical street dude who's into foul sh%t. Know this all to well since a number of girls in my age group (20s) flock to these no life idiots only to come running to us good dudes after having being knocked up 3 or 4 times. NEXT!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> What do you mean she cheated with a "thug"? Like a gangster? Or some tat infested scumbag?


Gangster coke dealer. And also a tat infested scumbag. Best of both worlds.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

healer, she is still in touch with the OM? I remember you posting about that.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> healer, she is still in touch with the OM? I remember you posting about that.


She says she's not, but who knows. I'd be astonished if they hadn't been.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

BashfulBull said:


> Next time you gt serious with a woman, make sure she is not a barfly.


Very solid advice.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Next time she bothers you tell her you are beginning to date now and not say another word to her about it.


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

Was she an only child, spoiled, or generally raised without serious consequences? Some people lack the foresight to understand that actions have consequences. I have seen people who are told intellectually what will happen if they do (x) but think they will not get caught, or that if they are caught, that life will just go on as normal. This is my wife exactly. Selfishness is correct, but it is more than that. It seems more like a self centeredness (world revolves around them). Just like my wife, it seems your xw did not truly understand or appreciate that sacrifices you were making for her until now. I believe she still doesn't understand. She is still putting herself ahead of you in her thoughts still, even after all this.

When i was younger, I was an alcoholic pothead. I kept getting arrested for DUI, possession, etc. I had no real understanding of consequences until the judge sent me away to a program for a year. Best thing that ever happened to me. I was a spoiled brat who learned quickly about consequences.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

She knows your soft spot and will continue to exploit it hoping that it will break your will. 

My advice to you is tell her that the only time you want to here from her is about the kids. Other than that, nothing. The more you communicate with her over frivolous things, the longer it will take to get her out of your system. 

Let her know in no uncertain terms and stick with it. Let her know that she made her choice and now she has to live with it and mean it.


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## sayjellybeans (Jun 25, 2012)

Bfree and differentguy have it, IMO. I'll go ahead and admit that there's a lot about her that reminds me of me, of who I'm recovering from, so feel free to pick my broken brain. 
Look up HPD to see if that describes her some. 
Being a ****tail waitress feeds her a constant supply of attention. I love waiting tables and I haven't thought about it much, but I would not be able to deny that having a captive (likely adoring) audience several times a night was part of the appeal. 
Giving into all that attention to the point of a betrayal is from a basic lack of self-worth, self-love, and self-respect. Also extreme selfishness, but that goes without saying. 

And she can get the ultimate validation by hurting loved ones and having them forgive her and accept her back into their lives. Self-sabotage to re-conquer a love gets some people off, feeds their need for approval, but it's a high price to pay. 

The best thing you can do for... both of you really, is *maintain detachment indefinitely.* Anything less is not a true consequence and she'll never improve, and you probably want that for your children's sake. It also removes the risk of her sucking you back in (we like to Hoover people).

Anyway, I'm probably projecting, but her behavior is uncannily similar to my own conduct of the past.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Wow. You know, reading through your responses, then taking my son to his birthday party and having my mom take me aside and tell me "you have not detached and it's coming back again - you have an almost addiction to her constant texting/engaging you...." something along those lines - and her telling me exactly what you all are saying...damn. I'm not detached. I am superficially, but I am scared ****less to actually really, REALLY sever the tie. To tell her in no uncertain terms "don't contact me unless it's about the kids". I am still somehow attached. ****!!!!

I am astonished at the insight, intelligence and compassion I see here, and it truly bends my mind how smart you people are. Pure gold in your replies. I know what I need to do but I don't know how I'm going to do it exactly. I AM divorcing her - papers are filed, but why am I so afraid to fully let go? I really have to figure this out. Thought I already did, but obviously not. When my mom said she saw me regressing, it really opened my eyes. Then rereading your posts REALLY opened my eyes.


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## BashfulB (Jul 1, 2013)

Don't beat yourself up Healer. I just got my D decree and I have not seen my ex for close to six months, but try as I might to detach it is very hard. Couple that with the nightmares of her being used as a dumpster by various men, just to get her meth fix, is tormenting me. Were it not for TAM and my girlfriend I would have lost my marbles months ago.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

She either thought you would not find out, or that you would take her back. Maybe both. 

All your years of selfless love, translated to weakness to her. 

Most cheaters (not all) see weakness in kindness. It is something to exploit. 

Some women take your kindness for blindness.


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

IMHO, I agree with everyone else, matt beat me to it, mental issues, abuse, a close friend or relative that strayed. Or was she just bored, with you being a good provider, husband, father, best friend, lover, confidant, rock, soft shoulder, a g** d*** good man. I think that covers it.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

Its a waste of time trying to figure her out. Your going down the rabbit hole. It was Her decisions and and actions she has to be accountable for. The party is over but now she wants you to bail her out. Let the dead wood go and don't look back.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> *By Healer*
> Help me understand.
> 
> *By Healer’s mom*
> ...


Seems like Mom and the TAM responders have answered your question above!





> By Healer
> I AM divorcing her - papers are filed, but why am I so afraid to fully let go? I really have to figure this out


You also do not have the opposite of love for her; the opposite of love is NOT hate but apathy and you do not have apathy. You are emotionally damaged by her but she is reinforcing that she made a terrible mistake and that you really are valuable. If you let go you will not have that reinforcement. *You are depending on her words to build you up. *

Additionally, you have had a lot of emotional nourishing with her in the past because she was a very important part of your family.* She gave you your children and that emotion goes very deep!* Then there were the good times you had with her and that builds bonds and emotional attachment.

Get help from where ever you can (mom seems like a woman with wisdom) because you have been damaged emotionally. We all get damaged emotionally when something like this happens. *Get help from other places and people so that you are not addicted to her emotional word food*.

Make sure that the places and people that you get help from are not like bars and other places that do not have a good moral setting and does not have your best interest at heart.* How about you geting more involved with your extended family, friends, your place of faith, hobbies, interests, educations etc?*


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## Alecto (Sep 16, 2012)

It sounds a lot like she likes men who treat her like crap, and now that you've withdrawn from her and are ignoring her texts, you fit the mold enough to get her to be interested. A person like that isn't worth getting involved with again, so it's good that you know you're done. Hopefully she will get counseling at some point to find out why she searches out men who will treat her badly.


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## JohnSebastian (Dec 24, 2013)

Well Healer, sounds like she'll just want some strange again if you R with her. I wouldn't take a chance.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

BashfulBull said:


> No good ever comes from it.
> 
> I like to drink and have a good time at saloons and bars, and I have alot of friends in the local bar scene here. I also know alot of the women who work as bartenders and hostesses, and to a person they are all immoral. They are nice and friendly to be sure, but they have the moral makeup of nanny goats.
> 
> They're fun to flirt with and maybe have an occasional ONS with, but brother don't ever ever give your heart to one.


Right...they're working for tips, you know.


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## beautiful_day (Mar 28, 2013)

Healer, I had a friend who told me about his cheating wife, and how she was shocked and frightened that he was divorcing her, and he said "Well, what did you think was going to happen?"

That struck me as the most perfect line; beautiful in its simplicity and precision. I recommend this line to you. I drew great satisfaction in using it myself ...


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

bfree said:


> Healer,
> 
> Your exW loves attention. Now don't get me wrong. We all like attention. But some people need more than normal amounts of attention. This is why she loves her job. She gets tons of attention. Eventually she got used to that attention and no amount of attention from you could possibly satisfy her needs. Now at this "meat market" she probably saw lots of cheating going on. That is why she accused you of cheating all those years. After all, everyone around her was cheating so you must have been cheating as well. That atmosphere became second nature to her. It became normal. Eventually her boundaries weakened to the point that cheating just became something everyone does and was doing. She didn't see herself cheating as throwing anything away. She saw others cheating and in her mind they weren't losing anything. She was the one missing out by not cheating. She didn't see their crappy marriages outside of work. She didn't know the ones that were getting divorced or the ones whose spouses were cheating as well. All she saw was people cheating, having a good time and claiming to still have great home lives. She was presented with unicorns and butterflies and swallowed it all hook line and sinker. She never saw the thorns...until you found out. Now that she is feeling the thorns and she doesn't like it so much. Now that she isn't getting attention from the one person she wants it from she is miserable. None of that other attention matters now because she isn't getting it from the main source....from you. Your being indifferent to her is killing her because she cannot bear the thought that someone in this world doesn't want to lavish their attention on her. The fact that its you is all the more painful for her. You have become the one thing in this world that she can never have. You are now her obsession. You are Mount Olympus...always there but never reachable.


Exactly - and if I took her back, as soon as she got comfortable again with me, and had my attention, it wouldn't be a shiny new toy anymore and she'd look elsewhere for that validation.

But I will never, EVER be with her again, so it doesn't matter. She'll never again have the chance to cheat on me.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> Some women won't resist that bad boy who is showing attention. They know there's no future in it; they know it's destructive; they know the guy is bad news. But it's a thrill for the moment that they won't bring themselves to resist. The corollary for men is the cheap, sl*tty woman whose advances they accept. They know that doing it can bring disaster, but they don't resist. It's selfish, self-indulgent, and immature.
> 
> If you sympathize, it should be for her weakness of character, in my opinion. If you get yourself out of range of her constant contact, you can even avoid this little bit of undeserved sentiment for her.


It's really sad and f'ed up that a woman with a terrible dad, or no dad at all, will go for men who resemble that dad - scumbags. You'd think they'd pursue good guys, but they don't.

Me on the other hand, I will avoid women like my stbxw like the plague.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

sayjellybeans said:


> Bfree and differentguy have it, IMO. I'll go ahead and admit that there's a lot about her that reminds me of me, of who I'm recovering from, so feel free to pick my broken brain.
> Look up HPD to see if that describes her some.
> Being a ****tail waitress feeds her a constant supply of attention. I love waiting tables and I haven't thought about it much, but I would not be able to deny that having a captive (likely adoring) audience several times a night was part of the appeal.
> Giving into all that attention to the point of a betrayal is from a basic lack of self-worth, self-love, and self-respect. Also extreme selfishness, but that goes without saying.
> ...


Thanks for this. How did you (or are you) recovering from this type of behavior? She's utterly addicted to that lifestyle and those sorts of people. It's an ugly, destructive addiction that I don't think she knows she has. She considers these people to be the salt of the earth, people who "love her", and her "family". When in reality they and the lifestyle they lead are just nasty, unhealthy and plain old skanky.

I applaud you for recognizing your demons and working towards being a better person. I hope one day she can too, for my kids sake.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Rottdad42 said:


> IMHO, I agree with everyone else, matt beat me to it, mental issues, abuse, a close friend or relative that strayed. Or was she just bored, with you being a good provider, husband, father, best friend, lover, confidant, rock, soft shoulder, a g** d*** good man. I think that covers it.


A combo of all the above, methinks. 

The irony is - she cheated, she left. And now I'm happy and thriving, she's miserable, depressed and cold.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Mr Blunt said:


> Seems like Mom and the TAM responders have answered your question above!
> 
> 
> 
> ...


There most certainly is an addiction here on my part. I dread but in some twisted way count on her constant texts. There IS some sort of dependency there. I am working hard to break it.

My mom thinks the solution lies in me seeing other women - to both distract me from her and to show her I am in fact moving on.

I am going to the mountains for News Years Eve with a lovely woman I've been seeing off and on - a romantic getaway as it were. I'm so very closed off and protective of myself though. My mom said "you can't hide from women hoping to protect yourself from being hurt again. You will get hurt again - but you can't shut that part of you off".


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

JohnSebastian said:


> Well Healer, sounds like she'll just want some strange again if you R with her. I wouldn't take a chance.


Oh I won't, believe me, I WILL NOT.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Just received a text from her: 

"Happy new year (me), Love and miss you always!"

Is my coldness toward her hurting my kids?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Healer said:


> Just received a text from her:
> 
> "Happy new year (me), Love and miss you always!"
> 
> Is my coldness toward her hurting my kids?


No. Ignore her.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> Just received a text from her:
> 
> "Happy new year (me), Love and miss you always!"
> 
> Is my coldness toward her hurting my kids?



The best thing that you can do for your children is to diligently take actions to improve yourself. That means that you do not allow your addiction to your wife to get in the way and you concentrate on ONLY you and your children.

FORCE yourself to avoid your ex-wife and also force your mind to NOT think about her.
All the time you are spending on her is taking away from time and activities that will help you and your children.

*What is your plan for the next year? 
Are you going to start your plan on January 1, 2014?*


Either get busy with your plan or you will be vulnerable and REMAIN addicted to your wife


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Healer said:


> At first I had sympathy - or empathy...but *I'm so detached and I loathe her *more than any human on the planet that I feel that less and less. I'm so confused.


Healer, do you see where this statement is oxymoronic? You ARE attached, because your loathing attaches you. What you're looking for is detachment, to the point where you truly "nothing" her. You don't love her, you don't hate her, you _nothing _her. 

Only then will you know you have reached the other side of this mountain.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

doubletrouble said:


> Healer, do you see where this statement is oxymoronic? You ARE attached, because your loathing attaches you. What you're looking for is detachment, to the point where you truly "nothing" her. You don't love her, you don't hate her, you _nothing _her.
> 
> Only then will you know you have reached the other side of this mountain.


Yes, after I read it I saw the contradiction.

I guess I should rephrase to say I'm mostly disengaged from her. Clearly you can't hate someone and be completely detached at the same time.

Then **** like this morning happens and it triggers me. I wake my kids up early because I have to drop them off at their mother's on my way to work every morning. My son, who turned 9 New Years Day, says "I HATE this, having to go back and forth between the 2 houses". Trigger Trigger Trigger. 

I told him to make sure and express how he feels to his mother too, as he should share his feelings with both of us. The kids are on break, they shouldn't be dragged out of bed at 6 in the morning because their mother is a skank.


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