# Wife Cheated , Dont know what or if i want to do anything.



## shattered32

I never thought that I would be someone who would ever need to worry or face this, guess it just goes to show that nothing in life is certain.

Briefly, me and my wife have been together for 11 years, been married 7 of those 11 years. It was the perfect marriage – lots of love, excitement, head over heels all day every day, we could not be more sure of anything else in life except that we wanted to spend it together – and we got married at a young age – so even though it’s been 11 years, we only just crossed 30.

For the most part life has been good, of course we fight over stuff but nothings ever happened that’s ever even come close to shaking the ground I stand on – till a few days back.
Before I get to the situation, just to serve as a background - over the last couple of years work has to a large degree overtaken our lives , we started out as small professionals but are now senior in both our industries and companies – along with the money came more and more responsibilities and more time in office – we got into a routine , which I did not think much of as being a problem , but we still made time for each other – over the weekends we were together , we went 2-3 times a year for holidays and that’s been the way it has for the last 2-3 years.

Since July this year , her work took a turn for the worse in terms of workload – more time in office , late nights etc. More than half the time I used to be asleep before she got home and we got more used to doing things independently. Never during this did I ever have a doubt as to there being something amiss

A few days ago she sat me down and asked if I felt something was wrong with us, I told her not, except that maybe we need to organize our worklives a bit and take out more time for each other but maybe then again this is just a phase and once we have put in our slog years everything will be fine. I said light-heartedly that I missed her nagging me to be with her everywhere but that while I fell that I also realize how important her job is at this point and I am happy to give that space.

She then proceeded to tell me the same thing – and then dropped a small bombshell that briefly for about 20-30 days , she started ‘liking’ a colleague in office - now I know the guy and me as well as many of our friends have made numerous jokes and teased her about it . When she mentioned this I was still fine – she then dropped the bigger bombshell and told me that they had ended up having sex on an offsite they went for in September – and it just happened , spur of the moment etc.
Needless to say and to make it short – I was devastated but I have not done the ‘walk out of the house’ , ‘kick his butt’ type of stuff yet , all I wanted to understand was why.

The reason I got was something I am still trying to get her to make me understand – she said she had been feeling a bit distant for the last 1 year ( she never discussed it with me or even brought it up in the last year) and one thing led to another and she started liking this guy and then one more thing led to another and they had sex – and since then for over 40-45 days they have not been in touch , it was like a one-night stand. She proceeded to tell me to stay calm and that she wanted to make an effort to work it out because while whatever happened, I am still the one she wants to be with – and that she really wants to work at reducing this distance she feels and we should figure out how.

Now I have stayed calm, but I just cant help feeling really bad over a few things – and I am not being able to possibly look at the larger picture, of trying to work things out , because this is all I am getting obsessed with

They had sex twice that night – I keep asking myself and I have asked her – a_fter you were done the first time , what were you thinking? Did you think of me , the life you had before jumping into bed again?_ And unfortunately I end up with only 2 answers – Either you did think of me but went ahead anyway thus dismissing me , or you did not think of me at all – possibly even worse.

I keep thinking ofcourse of them sleeping together as well – what they might have done , who was where , etc etc – its like a porn movie running inside my head all the time.

She says I will get over it , or atleast push it to the back of my head if I work on this , with her , we both do on sorting this out. And on many levels I do , I think 11 years deserves another shot – but all I can think of right now is the sex , and to make things worse , I have often spoken to my wife about us not really having a great sex life because of the work and that while I try she does not – so not only is it sex , it’s a blow under the belt as well.

Lastly, I keep asking her and myself – if there was a problem as early as 1 year ago – why wait to tell me now? Why wait to go out of the relationship, have sex with someone else and then come to me? If you needed a shoulder to cry on, and your colleague was giving that to you then why did it end up being sex – what happened to Base 1,2,3?? Why did you go all out..etc etc….

And the more I think about it , try and arrive at some direction to move on in my head , I am left with another unanswered question – if she had slept with him only 1 time , and then regretted the act – would that have been better and easier for me to accept? Atleast i might have the solace of holding onto the fact that she did really feel bad?

And to be honestly open, 6 years ago I digressed a little as well – but nothing like this or as extreme. There was a girl in my office which I got a crush on , went out for coffee maybe 3-4 times , spoke to her a lot , stopped after 3 months. My wife knew , and she now tells me that what she is asking me to work out is exactly what she had to do 6 years back as well (in her head) – I keep telling her its not the same thing , I did not let it spiral out of control , there was nothing physical with me – I did not end up sleeping with anyone.

So the situation as it stands as of the moment is that she says she will make as much effort as is required , in fact she knows she needs to make most of the effort given what she has done , she just wants me to be receptive. That her having sex is a smaller part of the problem - the bigger problem being why she felt like doing this with someone else to begin with - where did the 'gap' in the relationship come from is what needs to be understood and worked on.

My current standard response to that to her right now is - fine , there is a problem - why not raise it earlier and given us and our marriage an opportunity to fix it while it was developing rather than wait , do the worst possible thing you could to me and then bring it up and ask me to make an effort.

As i said , on many levels i do want to , but i cannot get over those questions i posted earlier on - maybe things are a just too fresh right now , maybe it will ease up , i dont know - i hope so.

Just felt like sharing with everyone , i have been spending a lot of time here over the last few days , managed to get the never upto put this down today.

I have strong family and friends around , but i cant and dont want to discuss this with them at this stage , i would prefer to do that , if at all , after i have some fixed direction to move in my head.

Thanks for reading!

P.S. : i told her she should contemplate leaving her job , putting some distance between her and this guy, she declined , saying that she loves her work , her team too much , there might not be other options in the market - and that i should feel reast assured that nothing will happen again , that she will not be talking /interacting with him and she will definitely not make the same mistake twice.


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## AngryandUsed

Danger.

She must quit the job. She must go no contact with that guy - Yesterday.

She cant compare the intensity of your EA with her full blown PA. Cheaters do this anyway.

Go to newbies link at the beginning of the forum.

Go and see your doctor.

Postpone all your decisions to stay or not - until you get your head to reasonably think.


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## Summer4744

Shattered. It is a good sign that your wife came clean but there are still a lot of question marks. A lot will depend on your wife. It will depend on how remorsefull she is, how honest she is, and how much of an effort she puts forth.

First off, don't necessarily trust your wife. She may be lying to you. Why did she pick now to tell you? She may have been with this guy for a whole year, and after he dumped her she decided to save her marriage. She may have had no intention of telling you, it's possible the other mans wife was about to drop the dime.

The first step is to set the tone. She may be remorsefull but don't let her minimize what she did or let her try to blame you for it. The second thing is you have to spy on her. Put in a VAR and get all of her passwords. Don't ask her for these get this info yourself.

Don't back down an inch. If you decide she has to quit her job, she has to quit. Not saying you should tell her to do this, but from here on out she is the one who has to accommodate you.

Finally, be very skeptical of what your wife tells you. It is rare for a woman to spill the beans completely, almost always they will hide important elements and try to manipulate you. Let her know unequivocally that you demand all of the truth, and if you do not get it you will divorce her. If she balks it is time for the 180.

Stay strong brother!


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## Jonesey

Oh Boy!

You are not getting the whole truth. Believe me.
She is not even remorseful. My take is that she has been
involved in a affair all this time.Hence she is telling you now..
The question is why is she telling you now..







shattered32 said:


> I never thought that I would be someone who would ever need to worry or face this, guess it just goes to show that nothing in life is certain.
> 
> Briefly, me and my wife have been together for 11 years, been married 7 of those 11 years. It was the perfect marriage – lots of love, excitement, head over heels all day every day, we could not be more sure of anything else in life except that we wanted to spend it together – and we got married at a young age – so even though it’s been 11 years, we only just crossed 30.
> 
> For the most part life has been good, of course we fight over stuff but nothings ever happened that’s ever even come close to shaking the ground I stand on – till a few days back.
> Before I get to the situation, just to serve as a background - over the last couple of years work has to a large degree overtaken our lives , we started out as small professionals but are now senior in both our industries and companies – along with the money came more and more responsibilities and more time in office – we got into a routine , which I did not think much of as being a problem , but we still made time for each other – over the weekends we were together , we went 2-3 times a year for holidays and that’s been the way it has for the last 2-3 years.
> 
> Since July this year , her work took a turn for the worse in terms of workload – more time in office , late nights etc. More than half the time I used to be asleep before she got home and we got more used to doing things independently. Never during this did I ever have a doubt as to there being something amiss
> 
> *A few days ago she sat me down and asked if I felt something was wrong with us,*Why is she asking? She should/know´s the answer..
> 
> I told her not, except that maybe we need to organize our worklives a bit and take out more time for each other but maybe then again this is just a phase and once we have put in our slog years everything will be fine. I said light-heartedly that *I missed her nagging me to be with her everywhere*
> I don't think you did.
> 
> 
> but that while I fell that I also realize how important her job is at this point and I am happy to give that space.
> 
> *She then proceeded to tell me the same thing – and then dropped a small bombshell that briefly for about 20-30 days , she started ‘liking’ a colleague in office*You see you did not miss anything.
> 
> *- now I know the guy and me as well as many of our friends have made numerous jokes and teased her about it .*
> 
> Here is where you missed it.
> 
> 
> When she mentioned this I was still fine –
> 
> *she then dropped the bigger bombshell and told me that they had ended up having sex on an offsite they went for in September – and it just happenedspur of the moment etc./B] Just happened?
> Yeah right. Did she not tell you that for about 20-30 she started
> to like the guy??
> 
> 
> Needless to say and to make it short – I was devastated but I have not done the ‘walk out of the house’ , ‘kick his butt’ type of stuff yet , all I wanted to understand was why.
> 
> The reason I got was something I am still trying to get her to make me understand – she said she had been feeling a bit distant for the last 1 year ( she never discussed it with me or even brought it up in the last year)
> They never do..
> 
> 
> and one thing led to another and she started liking this guy and then one more thing led to another and they had sex – and since then for over 40-45 days they have not been in touch
> Yeas and Santa is for real..
> 
> 
> it was like a one-night stand.Sigh. What happened with the 20-30 day´s?
> 
> 
> She proceeded to tell me to stay calm and that she wanted to make an effort to work it out She has ball´s i give her that..
> 
> 
> because while whatever happened, I am still the one she wants to be with  Really? Why now?
> 
> 
> – and that she really wants to work at reducing this distance she feels and we should figure out how. She could not have
> figured it out one year ago.. And what makes her feel,you want to figure it out now? Especially you was never given a chance to begin with..
> 
> Now I have stayed calm, but I just cant help feeling really bad over a few things – and I am not being able to possibly look at the larger picture, of trying to work things out , because this is all I am getting obsessed with Of course you feel that way.
> She show´s no remorse
> 
> They had sex twice that night – I keep asking myself and I have asked her – after you were done the first time , what were you thinking? Did you think of me , the life you had before jumping into bed again? And unfortunately I end up with only 2 answers – Either you did think of me but went ahead anyway thus dismissing me , or you did not think of me at all – possibly even worse.
> 
> I keep thinking ofcourse of them sleeping together as well – what they might have done , who was where , etc etc – its like a porn movie running inside my head all the time.
> 
> She says I will get over it ,Like i said ,she does have balls´s and a whole lot of arrogance.
> 
> or atleast push it to the back of my head if I work on this with her/B]
> Ask her would she pull it of if the shoe was on the other foot.
> 
> we both do on sorting this out. As of now.The only sorting out is the complete truth.Nothing else matter´s before
> you know every thing.
> 
> And on many levels I do , I think 11 years deserves another shot – but all I can think of right now is the sex , and to make things worse , I have often spoken to my wife about us not really having a great sex life because of the work and that while I try she does not – so not only is it sex , it’s a blow under the belt as well.
> 
> Lastly, I keep asking her and myself – if there was a problem as early as 1 year ago – why wait to tell me now? Why wait to go out of the relationship, have sex with someone else and then come to me? See above
> 
> If you needed a shoulder to cry on, and your colleague was giving that to you then why did it end up being sex – what happened to Base 1,2,3?? Why did you go all out..etc etc….
> 
> And the more I think about it , try and arrive at some direction to move on in my head , I am left with another unanswered question – if she had slept with him only 1 time , and then regretted the act – would that have been better and easier for me to accept?It sadly was not the only time it happened.
> 
> 
> Atleast i might have the solace of holding onto the fact that she did really feel bad?
> 
> And to be honestly open, 6 years ago I digressed a little as well – but nothing like this or as extreme. There was a girl in my office which I got a crush on , went out for coffee maybe 3-4 times , spoke to her a lot , stopped after 3 months. My wife knew , and she now tells me that what she is asking me to work out is exactly what she had to do 6 years back as well
> So that is how it works?
> 
> (in her head) – I keep telling her its not the same thing , I did not let it spiral out of control , there was nothing physical with me – I did not end up sleeping with anyone.
> 
> So the situation as it stands as of the moment is that she says she will make as much effort as is required ,
> 
> 
> in fact she knows she needs to make most of the effort given what she has done , she just wants me to be receptive. That her having sex is a smaller part of the problem Seriously? come on.Its not a small part. ITS HUGE.
> 
> the bigger problem being why she felt like doing this with someone else to begin withYeas she is right on the money on that one.
> 
> where did the 'gap' in the relationship come from is what needs to be understood and worked on.
> The "gap" is simply.She never made an effort.
> 
> 
> My current standard response to that to her right now is - fine , there is a problem - why not raise it earlier and given us and our marriage an opportunity to fix it while it was developing rather than wait , do the worst possible thing you could to me and then bring it up and ask me to make an effort.
> Like i said ,she never made an effort.And this is what i said
> in the beginning.Why is she telling you this now.
> 
> 
> As i said , on many levels i do want to , but i cannot get over those questions i posted earlier on - maybe things are a just too fresh right now , maybe it will ease up , i dont know - i hope so.Understandable .Don´t make any rash decision´s right now.
> 
> Just felt like sharing with everyone , i have been spending a lot of time here over the last few days , managed to get the never upto put this down today.
> 
> I have strong family and friends around , but i cant and dont want to discuss this with them at this stage , i would prefer to do that , if at all , after i have some fixed direction to move in my head.
> 
> Thanks for reading!
> 
> P.S. : i told her she should contemplate leaving her job , putting some distance between her and this guy, she declined , saying that she loves her work , her team too much See the bolded part,with out any remarks from me..
> 
> , there might not be other options in the market - and that i should feel reast assured that nothing will happen again
> Seriously? You should be assured nothing will happen.
> 
> She has chosen her job before you.Even when she promised do do anything, to make this right.You should be insulted by that.
> 
> that she will not be talking /interacting with him and she will definitely not make the same mistake twice.
> Same answer as above..
> 
> You really need to expose this. And make her leave her job..
> 
> Trust me you do not even know half of the story.
> 
> 
> *


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## Bricko

Shattered,

I am amazed at how your wife is trying to minimize her infidelity. 

Ask her how she would feel if you had sex 6 years ago with the woman in your office and you told her to "get over it" and told your wife to try not to think about it?

If there is one quick way to destroy a marriage it is with infidelity.

I am sorry that you are going through this because your reaction is more than normal. If her news that she cheated with another man wasn't a bombshell and it didn't devastate you, I would wonder what kind of marriage you were in with your wife.

You are absolutely correct in the fact that she had sex with the OM twice in the same night says this was not an accident. The fact that your wife admitted she went back for a 2nd helping in the same night with the other man, says volumes.

Do you believe her that they only had sex on that one night and that she has never since had sex with the OM since that night?

Angryandused has given you some great advice in recommending you read the the newbie link.

Affaircare wrote it so well.
"_Actually it's not that you don't trust your DS. You do. You 100% trust them to lie. Your DS has proven, more than once, that they're willing to look you in the eye and lie so they can continue their affair, so you completely and fully trust the DS's ability to deceive you. Thus don't be fooled--it's not a trust issue. It is an HONESTY issue_."

Angryandused is correct, she needs to quit her job. Your wife says she will make the effort. That effort needs to be her finding a new job, otherwise you will never stop worrying if she is still continuing with the OM.

Doing some detective as recommended with a VAR or keystroke logger would help you determine if she is no longer making contact with the OM. But she should be offering you complete transparency with any and all passwords.

How much do you know about the man your wife cheated with? Is he married?

Your wife needs to write a letter of no contact (also discussed in newbie thread)

I am glad that at least you are not trying to rug sweep this affair as your wife seems to want to do.


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## Complexity

shattered32 said:


> She says I will get over it , or atleast push it to the back of my head if I work on this , with her , we both do on sorting this out.


This made my blood boil 

Not only is she getting you to rugsweep the whole thing but it's as if she's dictating the terms of reconciliation. Shattered, I know you have 11 years with this person but this is _very_ worrying to hear.


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## AlphaHalf

Why would anyone knowingly allow/participate in teasing a spouse in part of an ongoing joke of "liking" a coworker????? No red flags raised then? It's not something to joke about now.

As long as she works with the other man and there is no exsposure of the affair to the OM family/coworkers. There will never be any true reconciliation. No matter how you justify it, rugsweep it, swear on the bible, or any other reasoning. 

She wont leave her job because she loves it and apparently loved having sex with her coworker twice. She expects YOU to get over it. 

Your going to have to set up some very strong boundaries if you want this marriage to continue. Be prepared if she chooses her career over you.

You will never get the "peace of mind" needed for reconciliation with your wife as long as she works at her job with the OM. Its hard enough as it is when there is no contact with the affair partner and the best reconciliation efforts of the cheating spouse.


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## shattered32

Thank you all for taking the time out to respond to me, i cannot begin to tell you how good it makes me fell to be able to connect with others on this.

The other guy is not married , in fact he is undergoing divorce proceedings - talk about not being able to save his own marriage and now he is going after mine. But while i do blame him , not the same amount as my wife - he had no reason to stop , its wishful thinking on my part to assume that he would have the morals or the ethics to do that - my wife should have stopped it.

Why is she telling me now - well to quote her , because she wants to work it out , she wants to reduce the 'gap' - and she cannot do that without coming clean. She said that it would have been easier to simply not tell me about this incident in particular , but she felt she needed to be honest with me.

What i am also a little concerned about , though not so much at the moment , is how she is taking stock of the future - she is assertive in saying 'dont walk out now - if you do then there is no turning back and 11 years deserves more , i cannot be receptive later , i need to be receptive now to her efforts , walking out will not help if we wish to make an effort' - then she closes it off by saying - and if in a few months there is still no 'bridging the gap' , or i am still not over this incident then we can always go our own ways then ....... 

......... a bit strange , i would think she would be going all out to convince me that things will work out , when i asked her why she is even contemplating things not working out , she says she is just discussing a hypothetical scenario , but she is sure it will - after all she got over my indiscretion as well - and because she got over it , she knows i will and hence her insisting for time to work on this.


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## ilou

Boy....that's really something. As everyone said, you sure are not getting the full picture. So many questions raised. Why now? Why is she so calm and collective? Telling you to calm down while telling you this.

It just came out like a blur huh? So fast that it was confusing. It's like you were forced to reconcile before you knew she cheated (what does this sentence mean, I have no idea). 

Here's what I got out of this, I'm sorry if I'm wrong or if you view differently....

My guess is she REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY thought it out on how to do damage control: Her stating what your goals are to reconcile; stating she has to pull more to "reduce the gap"; telling you to be "be receptive" without it, it wouldn't work. It's so precise and accurate it's pretty scary reading your post. 

It seems like you're shell-shocked and were so caught off guard that you didn't even have time to even think about geting mad and put your defenses up. From what I read, it's like the betrayer has forced you to reconcile. Swift action to make it go her way. 

Being that she's so thorough on what needs to be done, I'm having doubts that she came out of the fog. Perhaps she knew what she was doing. Knew that you are the long-term man while he the short term. He was her sexual fix. Perhaps while she was in the affair, planned things out just in case word may have spread closer to you and THAT day was when she thought you may have gotten word. Also it's a possibility you are a really nice but indecisive guy and is taking advantage of you and telling you what to do.

I may be over thinking things and a little paranoid because I've been watching mystery movies as of late. But it's never bad to be too careful.

Good luck bro. This is a tough road ahead.


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## shattered32

Well i am sure everyone is going to call me gullible - but i would like to believe i am getting the true picture but i completely agree on that she has had time to think about it. She has , close to 2 months to figure out how she wants to approach me , broach the subject etc etc




ilou said:


> Boy....that's really something. As everyone said, you sure are not getting the full picture. So many questions raised. Why now? Why is she so calm and collective? Telling you to calm down while telling you this.
> 
> My guess is she REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY thought it out on how to do damage control. It seems like you're shell-shocked and were so caught off guard that you didn't even have time to even think about geting mad and put your defenses up.
> 
> Good luck bro. This is a tough road ahead.


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## AlphaHalf

Well she has a game plan in case you don't "push it to the back of your mind". She cheats and gives you the ultimatum. WOW. For that reason alone I would file now. Your gullible. "Like to believe" and reality are two different things. READ THE OTHER POSTS ON THIS SITE. There is always more to what is willingly told from a cheating spouse.


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## Rags

I don't think she has any idea of teh gravity of the situation here. Or what she has to do for theer to be a hope of you trusting her ever again.

If she could come on here, and be told by the experts (i.e. not me) - people who know, because they've done it - or tried and failed - maybe she would understand.

Right now it seems her attitiude is wholey inadequate.


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## ilou

Also refusing to leave the job when it is the constant source of the affair? 

She said she has the ability to control herself now that she's "out of the fog" but according to her story she didn't have self-control when "it just happened". You can't shut off an oil-well fire without cutting off its fuel. 

In this case she doesn't want to shut it off (work). 

I still believe she planned out this fling, knowing it was for sex. Knowing that you are the long term man.

Whatever path you take, as long as you have control, it should work out. Good luck sir!


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## AlphaHalf

Expose the affair to everyone. Inform her/om boss and the hr department.


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## DavidWYoung

Sorry, but your wife left the marriage about two years ago. Just my guess from what you wrote. She also had sex with this guy way more than two times. Again I am very sorry.
Your wife has replaced you as her number one, you are safe and comfortable but not sexy to her. You can read thru alot of the post here and come to an understanding of what happened and then mopp about it or you can take action to protect yourself. Talk to a lawyer and get your things in order. Next, I want you to book a trip somewere for two weeks. I would recommend Bangkok Thailand but that is just me. Go somewere were they do not speak english and you have to struggle. The reason for the trip is for the "New You" to emerge. Do worry about the wife or marriage, just worry about YOU! Try new things, new foods, new dancing,new clothing, new hotels, new travel even, new girls if you must. The point of this is for you to break out of your old life and understand that your old life is over and a wonderful new life is going to begin. Do not hate your wife, it just a waste, just start to love yourself. You are worth it.


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## ilou

AlphaHalf said:


> Expose the affair to everyone. Inform her/om boss and the hr department.


Yeah. I would do that too. But do this if you KNOW you don't want to be with her anymore. Because chances are, she'll hate you for it. She might think of it as revenge rather you trying to help her. I think if exposed only to family chances of reconciling are better. Including friends makes it harder.


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## Jonesey

You wrote

*The other guy is not married , in fact he is undergoing divorce proceedings - talk about not being able to save his own marriage and now he is going after mine*

Has it occurred to you that OM is divorcing because he had an affair with your wife? Hence her coming clean?
*but she felt she needed to be honest.
with me* And that took her 2 month´s to figure out?

The more i read your post.The more convinced i get,that is so much more to this story that you know of..

Have you checked her cellphone record´s?
Have you put a key logger on the home computer?
If not do it ASAP..


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## ilou

David made a good point. Be prepared. Consult your lawyer even if you decide to reconcile (I personally wouldn't want to). Get your things in order. Having evidence she cheated just in case wouldn't hurt (legally, probably not emotionally =P).


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## AlphaHalf

> Yeah. I would do that too. But do this if you KNOW you don't want to be with her anymore. Because chances are, she'll hate you for it. She might think of it as revenge rather you trying to help her. I think if exposed only to family chances of reconciling are better. Including friends makes it harder.


The marriage is over regardless if she continues to work with the OM. She won't leave her job because she "LOVES IT". 

Does she value the marriage or the job more? What are the consequences she is willing to face for her actions? So far she gets the cheating off her chest, keeps the job that provided the environment/build up of the affair and also continues to work with the man she "likes" and has already [email protected]#ked. 

If the roles where reversed she would/should want the same. How can anyone expect trust to be regained when their is ongoing contact with the OM/OW at work???????


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## Pault

Her attitude to the affir is one exactly like an executive mistake she is addmitting to. Admitting the affir now smackes of someone else outside her and the Om knowing and is likely to be telling you. She seems to have got her side in first.

She will still have contact with this guy staying where she is. There is and will be opportubnities to have another go at sometime. 

Is the other guy marride? (didnt see a note to this ) but has he someone who also may have found out. Your W wants a quiet "sort out" as she doesnt want her "team " getting to know to much. So she is controlling you and the situation as mush as possible. 
She does not be be away from this company as in your heart youll not be feeling safe when shes away (off site). Its you that needs to now take the tillar and control the direction even though you feel hurt, she needs to see you "man up" and respect you for that. As for the sex ONCE in her eyes it was indeed twice so she didnt think about you after the first event and clearly didnt have pangs of guilt to let him climb on board the second time. 
You admit to a feeling for a female coworker, that was all it was it went nowhere and that means you tokk and maintained control. She used thsi as a "but youve dont it" point to make her fell better and pass her guilt to you to warrent the sexual nature of her affair.
Some very strong talking needed here with clear accepted bounries. I feel that this is not the end of whats been happeneing and there is a huge amount going on and still may be in progress.


----------



## ilou

@AlphaHalf

I completely agree. To me a marriage would be over at strike 1 cause I'm less forgiving when it comes to infidelity. But he hasn't stated what if he's going to do. And you know how many of these threads where the BS is in limbo and extremely indecisive. I answered him for both paths.

I wish you luck but if you try to look through threads here, there are many that were posted in reconciliation and ultimately transferred to separation and divorce.

Reconciliation is an extremely tough and mysterious road. The reward for working so hard may or may not be to your liking. That is, if you do get to the other side.


----------



## The Cro-Magnon

Am I reading this correctly?

This woman cheated, then informs the OP how he is to feel about it, and what his timeframe is for recovery, and that he'd BETTER get with her program if there is any hope for him...










I sincerely hope that OP mans up and puts this creature in her place.


----------



## shattered32

AlphaHalf said:


> Why would anyone knowingly allow/participate in teasing a spouse in part of an ongoing joke of "liking" a coworker?????


It was under very innocent circumstances , the guy had a crush , i did not anticipate or even imagine that this is what it would turn out to be.



AlphaHalf said:


> Expose the affair to everyone. Inform her/om boss and the hr department.


I was thinking on the HR department ,and yes i was only thinking it from a revenge perspective , get one of them thrown out however i need to understand their policies better - if its an ongoing relationship then its different , if its between a boss and a junior then its serious , but between 2 colleagues at par in the same office but different departments - i am not sure but i do plan on exploring this.



DavidWYoung said:


> Sorry, but your wife left the marriage about two years ago. I would recommend Bangkok Thailand but that is just me. GYou are worth it.


Not at all , i love both those places - in fact went to Bangkok with the wife recently - supposed post her starting to have problems :-(





Jonesey said:


> Has it occurred to you that OM is divorcing because he had an affair with your wife? Hence her coming clean?
> 
> Have you checked her cellphone record´s?
> Have you put a key logger on the home computer?
> If not do it ASAP..


No , his divorce proceedings have been on for longer , they are not a result of this incident.

No keylogger or any other software yet , never thought i would require it but not done yet.



Also , am i being morbid wanting to more details on the sex they had? is it normal , expected or am i really unnecessarily asking for more details than required - i asked her a couple of questions straight out - she says she does not want to get into details , that it happened and i should leave it at that - needless to say i suppose everyone here can assume the type of questions i would have asked.


----------



## Jonesey

shattered32 said:


> It was under very innocent circumstances , the guy had a crush , i did not anticipate or even imagine that this is what it would turn out to be.
> 
> 
> 
> I was thinking on the HR department ,and yes i was only thinking it from a revenge perspective , get one of them thrown out however i need to understand their policies better - if its an ongoing relationship then its different , if its between a boss and a junior then its serious , but between 2 colleagues at par in the same office but different departments - i am not sure but i do plan on exploring this.
> 
> 
> 
> Not at all , i love both those places - in fact went to Bangkok with the wife recently - supposed post her starting to have problems :-(
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> No , his divorce proceedings have been on for longer , they are not a result of this incident.
> 
> No keylogger or any other software yet , *never thought i would require it but not done yet.* Please do it NOW.
> 
> 
> 
> *Also , am i being morbid wanting to more details on the sex they had? is it normal ,*
> No that pretty normal. We all have wanting to know detail´s
> Is just a personal question on how much you want/need to know.
> 
> 
> expected or am i really unnecessarily asking for more details than required - *i asked her a couple of questions straight out - she says she does not want to get into details* If she truly want´s to reconcile.She does not have a saying in that.Please don't back down on thing´s you need to know.
> 
> *that it happened and i should leave it at that*Tell her sorry honey ,it does not work that way. You are not in a position to negotiate the term´s.And also explain ,even if i´s
> not completely true.That you haven't decided yet if you want to reconcile.
> 
> needless to say i suppose everyone here can assume the type of questions i would have asked.


----------



## shattered32

@ Jonesey

Thats where i am confused , she accepts that the sex was all her fault and she is to blame - but her entire argument is that the sex happened as a result of a certain distance between us , the reasons for the distance might not entirely be her fault - this distance is the larger issue and that is what we (her and me) should be focusing on not the one night stand.


----------



## Rags

shattered32 said:


> Also , am i being morbid wanting to more details on the sex they had? is it normal , expected or am i really unnecessarily asking for more details than required - i asked her a couple of questions straight out - she says she does not want to get into details , that it happened and i should leave it at that - needless to say i suppose everyone here can assume the type of questions i would have asked.


As I understand it, it's not for her to decide - you get to decide how much you need to know. Some want to know everything, some nothing. It's your decision.

The critical factor is that YOU choose, and she has to be totally, abjectly honest, and realise that without total honesty, she's lost you utterly.

She might have anyway - but either way, that's YOUR decision. She broke the marriage, and it's up to you if you want to keep her or not.

As I understand it. Experts will elaborate, If you ask them, I'm sure. (There are many here - sadly, I guess.)


----------



## AlphaHalf

> 2 colleagues at par in the same office but different departments


Doesn't matter. Your wife is cheating with a coworker on the job. Send it to HR the CEO and the janitor if need be. The OM is going through a Divorce so he is still technically married. Regardless if his marriage is ending for other reasons, I'm sure it still involves your wife in some way. Also the timing of this divorce can be perceived that way. Include that in the letter as well. A formal complaint about her actions don't look good for the company, workplace moral and the gossip it brings.


----------



## snap

I have to concur, you're not getting anywhere close to full truth here.

The OMW has probably threatened disclosure, so your wife had to preemptively come clean, as to have some upper hand.


----------



## ilou

shattered32 said:


> @ Jonesey
> 
> Thats where i am confused , she accepts that the sex was all her fault and she is to blame - but her entire argument is that the sex happened as a result of a certain distance between us , the reasons for the distance might not entirely be her fault - this distance is the larger issue and that is what we (her and me) should be focusing on not the one night stand.


Hm... This distance is due to your work schedules right? Do you think your suggestion that she leave her job would fix it? You already saved time for the weekend and apparently it didn't work. Would keeping her work schedule change that?

It may not entirely her fault but from your story it sure is a bigger chunk of it.


----------



## Jonesey

shattered32 said:


> @ Jonesey
> 
> Thats where i am confused ,* she accepts that the sex was all her fault and she is to blame *Of course she was/is at fault.Who else would be at fault.
> 
> - *but her entire argument is that the sex happened as a result of a certain distance between us *, You are completely missing the point here. If that was the case, how come she never spoke up? How come you never cheated? How come she needed to do the deed.And then wait two month´s to tell you?
> And now she want´s to fix it. Sorry I'm not buying it
> She is simply trying to get you to accept it.No one cheat´s because of the claim´s she makes.Did she not tell you she had feeling´s for OM for about 20-30 day´s? Ample time to bring up the distant. But she chose not to.Instead,well you know what happened.
> 
> *
> the reasons for the distance might not entirely be her fault*
> On that you´r right.You own 50% of the state of the marriage
> and she the rest. Try not to get sucked in to accept her version on why she did what she did..Because it had nothing to do with
> the distant she "felt"
> *this distance is the larger issue and that is what we (her and me) should be focusing on not the one night stand.*You are right assuming you have the full truth.Which i doubt.And also she need´s to own her "one night stand" Find out the truth first,and nothing else but the truth.And then and only then you should take a decision on whether you want to reconcile or not.


Just one question does she display any remorse?


----------



## shattered32

ilou said:


> Hm... This distance is due to your work schedules right? Do you think your suggestion that she leave her job would fix it? You already saved time for the weekend and apparently it didn't work. Would keeping her work schedule change that?
> 
> It may not entirely her fault but from your story it sure is a bigger chunk of it.



I think its because of that largely - i mean some of the specific issues which she has raised stem from that they way i see it - for example getting into a routine , losing spontaneity - i see it as a function of coming home at 11 PM after having gone to work at 9 AM.

I am sure i could have been a bit more enthusiastic about doing things once in a while , and i accept it without a fight as that being my fault - how i wish this is all i was dealing with right now.





Jonesey said:


> Just one question does she display any remorse?


First day lots of tears , hugs and pleading. Second day lesser - also because i was not really talking , and when i did all i had to say was on the topic of the sex not gap/distance - max maybe 1 round of tears on day 2 , other than that i think she was trying to stay out of my way , or not really push something because she was unsure of what my reaction would be.


----------



## jnj express

Some of this from her, is probably revenge---at least it is somewhat of a justification, in her mind.

Her very hi level professional attitude about the whole thing---smacks of her, having already had some counseling or therapy----so you are the last to know

Look you can't just let this be swept under the rug---and let it go as being a hoity--toity high level tea time mistake----she F'ing gave herself to another man---she chose him over you---he very possibly is still in her mind---she very possibly still sees him---she says no---but remember this, she has come home for over a year now looked you in the eyes, and said everything was fine----SHE KNOWS HOW TO LIE/decieve/manipulate/and plan what she needed to do to carry out her A----it just didn't happen.---she didn't just lay down with a strange man who is not her H, and spread her legs!!!!

If there was such a problem, and you were her no. 1 boy---she would/should have come to you, and discussed the problem, and how to solve it-----you were not her no 1 boy, and so she left you out in the cold----are you still plan B---who knows

As to her job---2 ways to go on this---if you are to R---she gives up the job---it WILL be part of your boundaries, and consequences---if you think you do not wanna stay in this mge-----your sub--conscious is definitely gonna have something to say about this---then she keeps her job, and you pay no alimony

Do not let the 11 yrs of mge that you both invested in, stand in the way of your decision making----the 11 yrs, certainly didn't come into play in her thinking when she spread her legs for her lover----and you better believe over a yrs time with her lover there was more than one physical situation

Remember---you only get one trip thru life on this planet---ONE ONLY---how do you wanna spend it----with visions and triggers, leading to misery----or possibly in a new life, eventually with a woman who will talk to you if there are problems-------your life---your decision


----------



## jfv

She is simply rationalizing being attracted to another man and having sex with him. 

So far your wife doesn not seem to be a good candidate for Reconciliation. 

I would talk to an attorney if i were you.


----------



## Jonesey

jfv said:


> She is simply rationalizing being attracted to another man and having sex with him.
> 
> So far your wife doesn not seem to be a good candidate for Reconciliation.
> 
> I would talk to an attorney if i were you.


:iagree: You should really give this advice a whole lot of thought
about the advice he just gave you.


----------



## Malaise

I wanted to post a cogent comment on this but too angry at this time.

OP you are getting trickle truthed, blameshifted, rugswept and generally screwed over by her. 

At he very least HR should be told. I beg you to do this for your own self respect.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS

Couple things...

1) How do you know that your wife's hours are as grueling as she says they are? My suspicion is that a significant amount of the time that she was supposed to be working late at the office was actually dedicated to spending time with this OM.

2) You wife tells you that you need to get over this and she's giving you about 4 months to do this before she walks. On top of that she tells you to not leave immediately or the door closes forever (like she's giving you a one time deal...). Even worse, she tries to guilt you into not leaving right away because YOU would be throwing away an 11 year marriage. DO NOT ACCEPT THIS GUILT. She was the one that threw away the marriage - not you.

3) DO NOT ACCEPT ANY BLAME FOR HER CHEATING ON YOU. You are partially to blame for the distance within your marriage. However, the only 2 acceptable choices your wife had were to either tell you her problems with you so that the two of you could work them out or to leave you because she can't take the emotional distance anymore. The WRONG choice was to have an affair and still remain married to you. That is 100% wrong and you need to start putting ALL of this mess on her. She deserves it and all of the scorn, ridicule and contempt that you are bottling up but will not share with her. 

In the end, do what you want and what you feel is right for you. But if it was me in this situation, I would not be able to live with myself if I tried to reconcile with this woman given the actions she has taken so far. She has shown you zero respect and is trying to manipulate you into sweeping this affair under the rug and for you to take the blame for the affair. I would take none of it and the next time she would tell me that I should not throw away an 11 year marriage, I'd respond by telling her that "I didn't throw anything away. You made the choice to throw this marriage away by sleeping with another man - more than once. I think you are lying and that you have had sex with this man more than twice, and if you don't tell me the complete truth now, then I'm divorcing you." If she insists that she's telling you the truth, then I'd call her a liar and that we are done. I'm seeing a lawyer first thing in the morning.


----------



## theroad

Summer4744 said:


> Shattered. It is a good sign that your wife came clean but there are still a lot of question marks. A lot will depend on your wife. It will depend on how remorsefull she is, how honest she is, and how much of an effort she puts forth.
> 
> First off, don't necessarily trust your wife. She may be lying to you. Why did she pick now to tell you? She may have been with this guy for a whole year, and after he dumped her she decided to save her marriage. She may have had no intention of telling you, it's possible the other mans wife was about to drop the dime.
> 
> The first step is to set the tone. She may be remorsefull but don't let her minimize what she did or let her try to blame you for it. The second thing is you have to spy on her. Put in a VAR and get all of her passwords. Don't ask her for these get this info yourself.
> 
> Don't back down an inch. If you decide she has to quit her job, she has to quit. Not saying you should tell her to do this, but from here on out she is the one who has to accommodate you.
> 
> Finally, be very skeptical of what your wife tells you. It is rare for a woman to spill the beans completely, almost always they will hide important elements and try to manipulate you. Let her know unequivocally that you demand all of the truth, and if you do not get it you will divorce her. If she balks it is time for the 180.
> 
> Stay strong brother!


Experience has shown that the OMW found out and WW is afraid the OMW was going to expose the affair to you. Damage control.

Sex that one time. You yourself said WW pulled away a long time ago. Getting home after your went to bed many times.

Sorry to say your has been doing this OM every way she can as many times as she could.

Your WW must leave this job ASAP. There must be NC between the WW and the OM.

You must expose the affair. The OMW needs to be told about the affair. So must WW parents and her siblings.

WW and OM must be exposed at work. What size business does WW work at. Expose CEO/owner, Board of Directors, Human Resources Director. Send registered letter and emails to all of the above.

Schedule a polygraph test for your WW. Tell her the appointment date. As the day approaches she will trickle truth you some more to get you to cancel the test. Just tell WW that you need to still have the test to confirm everything.

Also when you contact the OMW, best done by phone, or in person, you may find out that she knows a lot more about the affair then your WW has told you.

You need to without telling the WW put a key logger on the PC, hide a VAR in WW car and the home. Hide a realtime GPS on WW car. 

THen tell WW she must give you access to cell, phone bills, passwords to all of WW internet uses, including work, to verify NC with the OM.

Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.

edit to add:

No more over night work trips with this job and any other job she may have.


----------



## Malaise

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Couple things...
> 
> 1) How do you know that your wife's hours are as grueling as she says they are? My suspicion is that a significant amount of the time that she was supposed to be working late at the office was actually dedicated to spending time with this OM.
> 
> 2) You wife tells you that you need to get over this and she's giving you about 4 months to do this before she walks. On top of that she tells you to not leave immediately or the door closes forever (like she's giving you a one time deal...). Even worse, she tries to guilt you into not leaving right away because YOU would be throwing away an 11 year marriage. DO NOT ACCEPT THIS GUILT. She was the one that threw away the marriage - not you.
> 
> 3) DO NOT ACCEPT ANY BLAME FOR HER CHEATING ON YOU. You are partially to blame for the distance within your marriage. However, the only 2 acceptable choices your wife had were to either tell you her problems with you so that the two of you could work them out or to leave you because she can't take the emotional distance anymore. The WRONG choice was to have an affair and still remain married to you. That is 100% wrong and you need to start putting ALL of this mess on her. She deserves it and all of the scorn, ridicule and contempt that you are bottling up but will not share with her.
> 
> In the end, do what you want and what you feel is right for you. But if it was me in this situation, I would not be able to live with myself if I tried to reconcile with this woman given the actions she has taken so far. She has shown you zero respect and is trying to manipulate you into sweeping this affair under the rug and for you to take the blame for the affair. I would take none of it and the next time she would tell me that I should not throw away an 11 year marriage, I'd respond by telling her that "I didn't throw anything away. You made the choice to throw this marriage away by sleeping with another man - more than once. I think you are lying and that you have had sex with this man more than twice, and if you don't tell me the complete truth now, then I'm divorcing you." If she insists that she's telling you the truth, then I'd call her a liar and that we are done. I'm seeing a lawyer first thing in the morning.


:iagree:


----------



## Will_Kane

shattered32 said:


> So the situation as it stands as of the moment is that *she says she will make as much effort as is required* , in fact she knows she needs to make most of the effort given what she has done , she just wants me to be receptive.
> 
> P.S. : *i told her she should contemplate leaving her job , putting some distance between her and this guy, she declined *, saying that she loves her work , her team too much , there might not be other options in the market - and that i should feel reast assured that nothing will happen again , that she will not be talking /interacting with him and she will definitely not make the same mistake twice.


She will do as much as is required, but she will not leave her job.

So, in other words, she will NOT do as much as is required, she will only do what suits her.


----------



## theroad

shattered32 said:


> Also , am i being morbid wanting to more details on the sex they had? is it normal , expected or am i really unnecessarily asking for more details than required - i asked her a couple of questions straight out - she says she does not want to get into details , that it happened and i should leave it at that - needless to say i suppose everyone here can assume the type of questions i would have asked.


Tell the WW that only the BH gets to control what he needs to know about the affair.

You deserve to be told everything that you want to know. Ask slow because once a question is anwered the response can not be unheard. Dig as deep as you need.

Thing is when a BH gets left in the dark with his questions unanswered. These unanswered questions will haunt him forever. There will be a wall between them. An elephant in the room that is seen by both but ignored.


----------



## Shaggy

Your wife needs to take a polygraph about the true extent of this and any other affairs.

She did tell you, but she only told you the most minimized sanitized version possible. This says to me she was sure someone else was going to expose it. It may have gotten around work as a rumor or the OMW.

Don't believe your wife anything she tells you about the OM or his situation. He may not even really be divorced, or it may in fact be recent. You should locate his wife and verify.


As for your wife, shes not doing anything for you or healing the marriage. She threw around a few tears a you, which were entirely pitty me tears. When they didn't work they stopped entirely and you then got the ultimatum to get over it, don't ask too many details, nd rugsweep. OR your one chance to have her stay will be taken off the table.

That's not a wife who has remorse and wants to fix the marriage she destroyed and betrayed.

That's a wife who is feeling confident in her choice to have an affair and she's set you up to fail. I think she may very well be trying to use this as an exit affair, and your inability to just get over it as the real reason to D.

I can say for certain you do not have the truth by a long shot.

I can also say that in every case where an affair was rugswept, that more affairs came later. When the cheater faces no actually consequences for their betrayal, they learn they cn do it agsin anytime they want.

What I see here is your wife dictating terms, issuing ultimatums and refusing herself to change or do not a thing differently.

Did she throw herself at you snd offer you as much sex as you want? (nope)

Dud she change her schudule to have more time with you?

Did she stop going out with friends so she could work on building the marriage?

Did she offer full transparency, give up all her passwords?

Did she stop talking to the OM

Did she offer to take a polygraph ?

Did she do anything ?

No,no,no to all the above.

And there's the problem. 

------

First find out the. Truth about the affair. From her past behavior this is either not the first affair or it is more than a ONS.

Find and talk to the OMW. Do no tell your wife you are doing this. she will warn the OM.

Be prepared to contact HE and expose this.

She must get STD tested. They didn't use protection even if she says they did. 

Check her phone records and check her phone. I'm guessing it's nicely password locked and kept from you isnt it?

Lastly....

Do not accept her selfish terms, which are basically. 

Hurry up and get over this, and dont expect her to change anything she's doing, because while sex may have been wrong, it was really all your fault.


Call her out on those selfish awful uncaring terms snd tell her if that's what she's offering, then she can leave.


----------



## shattered32

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Couple things...
> 
> 1) How do you know that your wife's hours are as grueling as she says they are? My suspicion is that a significant amount of the time that she was supposed to be working late at the office was actually dedicated to spending time with this OM.
> 
> 2) You wife tells you that you need to get over this and she's giving you about 4 months to do this before she walks. On top of that she tells you to not leave immediately or the door closes forever (like she's giving you a one time deal...). Even worse, she tries to guilt you into not leaving right away because YOU would be throwing away an 11 year marriage. DO NOT ACCEPT THIS GUILT. She was the one that threw away the marriage - not you.
> 
> 3) DO NOT ACCEPT ANY BLAME FOR HER CHEATING ON YOU. You are partially to blame for the distance within your marriage. However, the only 2 acceptable choices your wife had were to either tell you her problems with you so that the two of you could work them out or to leave you because she can't take the emotional distance anymore. The WRONG choice was to have an affair and still remain married to you. That is 100% wrong and you need to start putting ALL of this mess on her. She deserves it and all of the scorn, ridicule and contempt that you are bottling up but will not share with her.
> 
> In the end, do what you want and what you feel is right for you. But if it was me in this situation, I would not be able to live with myself if I tried to reconcile with this woman given the actions she has taken so far. She has shown you zero respect and is trying to manipulate you into sweeping this affair under the rug and for you to take the blame for the affair. I would take none of it and the next time she would tell me that I should not throw away an 11 year marriage, I'd respond by telling her that "I didn't throw anything away. You made the choice to throw this marriage away by sleeping with another man - more than once. I think you are lying and that you have had sex with this man more than twice, and if you don't tell me the complete truth now, then I'm divorcing you." If she insists that she's telling you the truth, then I'd call her a liar and that we are done. I'm seeing a lawyer first thing in the morning.


1. they are spent in office , those checks happened quite accidently , she has bad signal so i call on the direct landline and she has been there

2. No ,maybe i describe it wrong , shes not giving me 4 months to sort it out , what she is saying is dont walk out , give it (as in me give it) a few months to try and work it out and if still nothing then it would have only been a few months more than walking out right now

3. noted.

4. Well thats what i told her in fact , choice of words was slightly different , i said you 'fu#[email protected]' the 11 years out of yourself


----------



## shattered32

theroad said:


> Schedule a polygraph test for your WW. Tell her the appointment date. As the day approaches she will trickle truth you some more to get you to cancel the test. Just tell WW that you need to still have the test to confirm everything.


Thats not going to be easy even if i suggested it , not easy to come by find outfits which will do this but i will definitely give the book a try



Will_Kane said:


> She will do as much as is required, but she will not leave her job.
> 
> So, in other words, she will NOT do as much as is required, she will only do what suits her.


I know , i read that and i was like - it sounds absurd , but thats what i think she is saying.



theroad said:


> Thing is when a BH gets left in the dark with his questions unanswered. These unanswered questions will haunt him forever. There will be a wall between them. An elephant in the room that is seen by both but ignored.


I agree and thats why i want to know , the goriest of details , so i know and atleast i do not need to fear my own imagination or what it might bring up.



Shaggy said:


> She must get STD tested. They didn't use protection even if she says they did.
> 
> .


I have told her that and they didnt - i found out rather indirectly but with the force of a kick on my face - i asked her if he came inside her , she said not , outside :-(
:-(


----------



## BjornFree

shattered32 said:


> I have told her that and the reason they didnt was because i found out rather indirectly but with the force of a kick on my face - i asked her if he came inside her , she said not , outside :-(
> :-(


Better be safe than sorry. When cheaters open their mouths they lie. Anything she says is a lie unless proven to be true.


----------



## Shaggy

Google polygraph and your city name and you'll find a lot of operators. Usually cost 200-300.

As for STDs, I doesn't matter where he can. STDs are passed by physical contact. She needs to be tested.


----------



## kenmoore14217

She may have loved you at some point in the past, but she doesn't love you now and probably won't in the future if you keep going like you are going. For sure she does not respect you. How can she if you are staying with her after she admitted her infidelity. I don't know if your a "needy" person or not but you sure are sounding like it. Start proceedings, she's stringing you along for what ever reason.


----------



## shattered32

To honestly answer that - no i am not , if you mean needing to be with her all the time , talk to her 10 times a day etc etc , then no thats not me - i appreciate and respect the other persons need for space as i would expect them to respect mine - but with always a belief in that the ground the relationship stands on is solid and because it is - we will always fell the need for each other , but not needy.

However she is , and as i mentioned in my original post , i think , because she stopped being needy , i noticed the change , but attributed it to the fact thats she has grown up and matured a bit as well - she understands that not being around with each other all the time does not mean not wanting each other , or not loving each other and that work has taught us to do that - for the better.

I am happy to listen to ideas , make an effort in trying to ensure that there is always some excitement in our lives , but you cant make money unless you work hard at it as well , and if money is important at this point - if it was not , we both would stay home.




kenmoore14217 said:


> I don't know if your a "needy" person or not but you sure are sounding like it. Start proceedings, she's stringing you along for what ever reason.


----------



## cpacan

Shattered; it doesn't happen very often that get angry from reading posts here at TAM, your story made my blood boil.

I am sorry you found this place, noone really wanna be here. But now you're her, learn from all the collective wisdom on the board - read the stories, the advice given and apply your own situation to what you read. You have been given link to newbie thread already - read it carefully.

Do you have kids? If not, do you plan to have children in the near future? How old are you?

I am sorry to be so direct, but your wife is walking all over you in this tragic story - is it something she is accustomed to in other areas of your relationship?

Listen; you need to step up and gain control over this mess. Your wife screwed up, she doesn't get to decide what you need to do and not do!

So you tell her that you haven't decided yet whether or not you will stay married to her and that you will let her current and future actions help you make the decission.

She will tell you everything you want to know or you are out. She doesn't get to set the timeline for your recovery, these things take time. I'm 19 months out and I am not quite there yet, so you just take your time. If she can't accept that, she's free to leave.

If she decides to work on your marriage given these new conditions, she will write a no contact letter to OM and she will do everything in her power to prove to you that she has no contact with him (ie. leave her job). You need to verify to the best of your ability.

Expose the affair to parents, inlaws and maybe workplace, to get support for rebuilding your relationship.

Oh, by the way, important, get tested for STDs - make your wife do the same.

Don't let her decide the rules for this. If you want to work on this (divorce is also an option), you will have more cheating down the road, if you don't get a grip on this.

My best wishes for you - take care of yourself, eat, sleep and work out to maintain some kind of balance in your life.


----------



## shattered32

Thank you! i understand what you mean about not wanting a place like this existing , but currently i am so so glad that it is.

Yes , someone directed me towards newbie but it was not a link , and i have scanned the forum index 3 times and not been able to locate it - must be going blind with the cheating as well now....

No kids yet thank god i suppose. We were planning to try next year , we were also going to shift into our own house next year - i feel like such an ass now because for the last 15 days one has been going around choosing flooring and tiles etc etc as if everything is hunky dory!

I have told her about getting a test done , there is no question of me having sex with her anytime ( I feel like i am in a threesome) soon so i dont really care when she gets it done

And please dont apologies for being direct , by all means do , maybe thats what i need! 



cpacan said:


> Shattered; it doesn't happen very often that get angry from reading posts here at TAM, your story made my blood boil.
> 
> I am sorry you found this place, noone really wanna be here. But now you're her, learn from all the collective wisdom on the board - read the stories, the advice given and apply your own situation to what you read. You have been given link to newbie thread already - read it carefully.
> 
> Do you have kids? If not, do you plan to have children in the near future? How old are you?
> 
> I am sorry to be so direct, but your wife is walking all over you in this tragic story - is it something she is accustomed to in other areas of your relationship?
> 
> Listen; you need to step up and gain control over this mess. Your wife screwed up, she doesn't get to decide what you need to do and not do!
> 
> So you tell her that you haven't decided yet whether or not you will stay married to her and that you will let her current and future actions help you make the decission.
> 
> She will tell you everything you want to know or you are out. She doesn't get to set the timeline for your recovery, these things take time. I'm 19 months out and I am not quite there yet, so you just take your time. If she can't accept that, she's free to leave.
> 
> If she decides to work on your marriage given these new conditions, she will write a no contact letter to OM and she will do everything in her power to prove to you that she has no contact with him (ie. leave her job). You need to verify to the best of your ability.
> 
> Expose the affair to parents, inlaws and maybe workplace, to get support for rebuilding your relationship.
> 
> Oh, by the way, important, get tested for STDs - make your wife do the same.
> 
> Don't let her decide the rules for this. If you want to work on this (divorce is also an option), you will have more cheating down the road, if you don't get a grip on this.
> 
> My best wishes for you - take care of yourself, eat, sleep and work out to maintain some kind of balance in your life.


----------



## cpacan

shattered32 said:


> Thank you! i understand what you mean about not wanting a place like this existing , but currently i am so so glad that it is.
> 
> Yes , someone directed me towards newbie but it was not a link , and i have scanned the forum index 3 times and not been able to locate it - must be going blind with the cheating as well now....
> 
> No kids yet thank god i suppose. We were planning to try next year , we were also going to shift into our own house next year - i feel like such an ass now because for the last 15 days one has been going around choosing flooring and tiles etc etc as if everything is hunky dory!
> 
> I have told her about getting a test done , there is no question of me having sex with her anytime ( I feel like i am in a threesome) soon so i dont really care when she gets it done
> 
> And please dont apologies for being direct , by all means do , maybe thats what i need!


Newbie thread

I forgot to mention... I agree with all the other posters; there's a lot more to this than your wife has told already - if you want her, you need to dig a lot deeper.

And I may add, that marriage doesn't necessarily become easier when kids arrive - so a rock solid marriage is a need-to-have.


----------



## shattered32

cpacan said:


> Newbie thread


Thanks for the link, will read it up. And i was not saying that it would have been better if there were kids around , i am glad that there are no kids in the picture.


----------



## cpacan

shattered32 said:


> Thanks for the link, will read it up. And i was not saying that it would have been better if there were kids around , i am glad that there are no kids in the picture.


No, you didn't. I made a clumsy attempt to tell you, that you need to think carefully whether this is a woman you want to have kids with or not.

If she at this moment think the state of your marriage justifies an affair, there will be plenty of opportunities once you have kids.


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## Kallan Pavithran

We know you wanted to beleive her story as evrey BSs (including me) but realise one thing there is more to the story. She is damage control, minimizing and testing the waters to know your reactions. If you could get over it then she can do it more without any consequences over and over.

Cheaters open their mouth to lie, minimize and blame shift. We have to verify everything they says.

Why she confessed? definitely not to reduce the gap, if so she wshould have done this before banging someone on your back She was about to get exposed by someother. She gave you what she beleive you will get over. Its not complete truth.

She banged OM second time also without any guilt then why she stopped it at two? What prevented her from 3,4 or 5? I strongly believe that its an ongoing A.

Did you made any attempt to verify what she told you? If not do that.
Get tested for STDs and expose this A to her and your family. Dont allow her to rug sweep. Make her to tell the families. If you rug sweep this she will do it again and again.

She is not remorseful, she didnt confess because of the guilt. Was this A an exit A, she may be trying to show others that you got D because you are too paranoid or jelous who couldnt get over her ONS.
She is the one cheated not you then how can she dictate the terms of R?Its too cruel to ask you to get over her cheating.

Take the control back, talk to her explain your terms for the R. If she agrees the give the R a shot else get ready for the D. Dont remain in this marriage as a cuckold or doormat husband without any balls.


----------



## shattered32

Kallan Pavithran said:


> Did you made any attempt to verify what she told you? If not do that.
> Dont remain in this marriage as a cuckold or doormat husband without any balls.


No i have not , i have not even spoken to the guy yet , i dont want this to play out like a bad Indian movie where i barge into her office or whatever and unleash a force of destruction - i am tempted to be honest , but like i said earlier , i cant really hold the guy responsible for anything, or accountable - ya sure i can tell him / ask him - why did you sleep with my wife - all he has to do is reply saying because she wanted to , and thats the end of my reasoning capabilities. Beyond that he does not have a wife , so there is nothing there , company HR , maybe , will see.

And no , i dont want to be the guy who does not have balls , i want to take a stand , i want to be able to respect myself and tell her to FO , but its not easy.


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## AlphaHalf

> she understands that not being around with each other all the time does not mean not wanting each other , or not loving each other and that work has taught us to do that - for the better.


If this was true then she wouldn't have had an affair, PERIOD. She already told you that she wanted to "reduce the gap".


----------



## AlphaHalf

Tell her to take the poly test. Don't ask her. She is the one that's supposed to be doing "whats required" to save the marriage, not what she thinks is required. So make a poly test a requirement for you. 

She already doesn't want to leave her job with the affair partner. What else is she not willing to do???


----------



## Summer4744

Shattered. For your wife to give you an ultimatum and treat you like a business client is unfathomable. Do you think if she really loved you she would risk losing you so? Do you think if she loved you she would not be fighting tooth and nail to win you over?

Wether you take her back or not is your call. But don't be a chump. Don't be someone's safe choice. You owe it to yourself to find someone who loves you deeply. Give her the 180 and call her bluff.


----------



## Tony55

She was obviously very prepared to confront you with her affair, maybe she read a book online, whatever, but it certainly sounds like she was following a script.

*Based on what you've written, I see the following scenario as the most likely:*

The OM, who's going through a divorce, is hurt and desperate (we don't know why he's divorcing), he pursues a 'chick', any half way decent girl will do, your wife is in close proximity, the seduction begins.
Your wife is flattered by the attention, she thinks she's special, it doesn't register in her head that she's just a rebound chick for this guy.
They both do what comes natural, they have sex.
One of them is disillusioned after the night of sex and isn't interested in going further.

*Most likely, at least, if it was me, I would be thinking that:*

Either he lost interest in your wife, she's crushed by the rejection, she's afraid you notice a difference, comes clean, but somewhere in her mind holds out hope that the OM will pursue her again.
Or, after that night, she realized he wasn't all that, dumped him, felt guilty and came clean. She's so sure that he means nothing to her that she's very direct with you about not worrying about him and let's move forward.

In either scenario, your wife is operating from a delusional perspective, she thinks this is something she is in full control of and you need not worry yourself to much with the details.

Here's the problem, you don't know how committed your wife is in her offer to reconcile the marriage; you'll need to KNOW that before going further, and the only way to know it is to her agreeing to many, many, many, heart to heart talks in which everyone comes completely clean. This includes who dumped who, who pursued who, etc, etc.

Now... let me say this, if it was me, and I was your age, and had no kids, it would be a no brainer, I would be gone. There would be no way I would want to live with the insecurity. Additionally, I would be compelled to leave simply because she said, "don't walk out now - if you do then there is no turning back and 11 years deserves more...". Seriously? No turning back? She wouldn't fight for me to return?

So, Shattered, you need to decide whether or not you will be able to live with the uncertainty; maybe you can.

One thing is certain, don't have a baby yet, that needs to take a back burner for the next couple of years.

Good Luck

T


----------



## Acabado

Do you remember when you noticed the switch in your wife you put it on maturation? That's when she started testing the waters, maybe earlier. Tip of iceberg. Satinized, palatable, damage control version of facts.
Pull all the old phone bills you can. Follow the money. Get the big picture of what was going on in the timeframe.

Put a VAR, keylog the PC, spyware on the phone, be ready to follow her and then inform her you are going to contact OM. Watch the damage control maneuvers with popcorn at hand.

Your wife's entitlement is amazing. She believes herself totally at control. She managed the (sure enoggh very limited) confession and have completely worked out the aftermath, your feelings, what are the points to adress, what are her limits...
Don't you get she's the one giving you an ultimatum (even it appears the contrary).

Zero humility, total minimizer. arrogant as hell...
Complete reality check is needed here.


----------



## shattered32

Well , a lot happened last night and i am quite positive that i might not be able to articulate as much as i would like to , but i would like to give everyone an update , and it appears that we are moving in the direction of making this work - details first for everyones reference , thoughts later.

Once we both were home we decided to sit down and thrash it out and have a real heart to heart on the entire matter and see where that took us. It was me doing most of the talking and i made it clear to her that as far as i was concerned

1. There were 2 different issues i was dealing , one was this gap/distance issue which she had mentioned , and the second was the fact that she slept with someone else , and that i would need to deal with both differently , in my own way and whether she thought it was the same problem or not was not really my concern nor did i need to extend any understanding or patience in this regard.

* On issue one (distance/gap)* i laid out my mandates . Firstly , i did not consider it to really be my fault , if i am not aware of a developing problem i can hardly be expected to act on it to solve it , especially in this case when i am not being ignorant and saying that there is no problem , there simply was not in my head - yes there was realization of work pressure etc but not that it was developing into something where she was asking fundamental questions about us.

I told her my expectations - you need to make 90% if not all of the effort in resolving this , maybe i contributed to it , but where we are right now , what you did as a result is for you to resolve not me - if you had come at the right time , decided to give me the respect and the information this would have probably not happened and given that i do not feel i am either to blame nor do i need to undertake any major efforts.

But while having said that , if you do genuinely feel that there are areas you need me to do something on , then point them out specifically ,if you dont i will ASSUME that everything is fine - dont come back later and bring up anything which has not been defined by you. 

I have defined certain terms in terms of what she needs to do as a behavior change - late nights out of the question , no office parties , no offsites at all , if she does need to go someplace and it is unavoidable then i need to be re-assured /convinced that the OM is not there and that i dont need to be worried - how she convinces me is her problem , wear a web cam on your neck if thats the only thing which works.

I informed her that as much as i would like to , i am resisting landing up in her office , so far , and not confronting the OM - but if i do then i do and she best not get in the middle of it , how i deal with that is going to be my decision - i might just decided to scare him a bit , or i might just decide to leave a life time memory by touching base with his wife (who he is in the process of divorcing) and extending a hand in terms of ensuring that certain things go her away - such as custody , fortunately i have some contacts , some influence in the right circles where this can be attempted , lastly if i fell like getting a bat and turning his SUV into an Hatch then so be it.

I clearly emphasized that for some reason i am letting my heart do the talking right now and not my head , my head tells me to walk out right now and leave you to deal / run around and not really give a damn. And that if i feel unsatisfied with 1 aspect of her 'making an effort' , the head will replace the heart when it comes to making decisions.

*On the second issue of sex* - as many have pointed out i deserve to know the details if i feel that i need to , so i got them out of her , told her that getting over this is something i need to deal with , as with the first issue , so it needs to be done on my terms and conditions , logical or illogical , whether you accept them or not , agree or not - nothing matters except what i want. I then proceeded to get all the answers i wanted through an extensive , but very uncomfortable , questioning session - and i think i feel better today knowing the facts rather than just imagining.


Additionally , lots else spoken about , i confronted her on the question of it not having worked out with the OM and hence she coming back and coming clean with me - better to have 1 egg in the basket than none - she was quite emphatic that it was not the case , she did not want to make it work with him , she realized her mistake but it just took her the time it did to tell me coz she was afraid and nothing else , i also spoke to her Best friend on this , and someone i know very well myself and she got to know 2 days before me herself , given how close they are it makes me lean towards giving her this - if she was so ashamed and afraid of what she had done that she could not discuss it with her till 2 days prior , maybe there was nothing else except what she says.

Not that it matters but the best friend is not talking to her now either and says that she cant believe that my wife could ever do something like this

She also told me that her parents knew , she had gone and told them a little after she told me herself. (them knowing was crosschecked and verified with the parents by me) and to just try and not only prepare them for the worst , but also because she was too tired and mentally exhausted now to stop hiding it from people. The reaction of her parents was i am glad to say similar to mine , and they have been worried and fretting about me moving out and i believe totally apologetic and ashamed of what she has done. i plan to meet them separately once anyway and have a chat.

So anyway , this went on for 4-5 hours in a reasonably civilized manner and then something strange happened - we ended up sleeping together - it just happened naturally and i thought that being physically intimate with her would take me weeks , if not months (or if at all) but it happened , we then spoke some more , went and had dinner etc 

.... and this is where the articulation starts to fail me , once we were done , it was like a switch going off in my head (at least at that point) an then i was just feeling better about the whole thing - i am still upset and i feel sick if i reflect on the details of what she did , but between yesterday and today there appears to be a world of difference in me - its almost like a situation where you woke up from a bad dream - it was very bad when it happened , but after you woke up it was a hazy memory which makes you cringe or whatever , but it feels 'distant' - something that's happened - but it feels far away and because it feels far away , it does not feel as bad or painful. Weird!

I am more relaxed , i am not distracted , been working fine since the morning , i almost feel a bit 'indifferent' to the entire situation what i have got to know over the last few days...

Not sure if i should take this as a sign and tell me to try and reconcile , or a sign that mentally some defense system has come up and while i am feeling better about everything , its a reaction i should try and ignore.


----------



## giashasa2012

shattered32 said:


> Why is she telling me now - well to quote her , because she wants to work it out , she wants to reduce the 'gap' - and she cannot do that without coming clean. She said that it would have been easier to simply not tell me about this incident in particular , but she felt she needed to be honest with me.
> 
> .


Yes it would be easier ,if there would be zero change for you to find it out.

Maybe the other man wanted more then an affair with her after his divorce . And she knew that he could tell you ( it has happen).

Or maybe someone ( friends , co-worker ) have learned something and there was the danger to inform you.

Or the wife of the OM knows something ,and she tries to control the outcome of the whole mess

The way you describe her she seems not remorseful but more as calculating .

The most probable scenario is that she had a affair with him for a longer period then she claims . Had more sex that she admits . 

And as i said , from you description she seems very calculating

Until know the only info that you have is from her . You need to find your own information .Keylogger ,Var , bugs , Pi ,....

And find the OMW and ask her what she knows

A lie detection test would be a good start , to see the extent of her deception.

Never trust a cheater even if he/she admits her indiscretion , there is always something more that they not tell you

And as for not quitting her job , that is a recipe for destruction


----------



## giashasa2012

I just finished reading the thread.

I will say it again , you need to find your own information to be able to confirm if she tells you the truth. Go in spy mode
Don't warn her about your intentions . 
To speak with the other man is pointless . To speak with his wife that could be interesting . 

And her and him at the same work , .......let me see :
1) he is divorcing 
2) he has a crash on her 
3)he has already had sex with her 
..... ye i can see that there will be no problem with this situation .

The same mistakes ( about work) has been made by many BS who have followed their heart and not their mind.

Read the stories on this board , learn from the mistakes of others.
And don't think for one moment that your situation is different ( most BS think it until they know better)

And if you want to understand the magnitude of the cheaters ability to deceive ( to lie, to gaslight , to try to control the situation and their true motivations )go to their website and read their stories .....that will open your eyes.

Most of the people that have posted on your thread , have warned you , that there is more to her story .
They ( we ) speak from personal experience , we have very painfully learned a lesson , that all cheaters follow what we call the "cheaters script" , an all affairs follow the same patterns . From that experience we can deduce most of the time if something ... smells not right , and predict the outcome of certain actions or inactions with great accuracy


----------



## shattered32

I asked this , respond was that after they got back from their off-site , they spoke and realized what had happened was wrong and that it should not again , hence they dont really speak to each other at all and decided to maintain a conscious distance.

I asked her to forget the guy for a minute and if she wanted more from him , was hoping for more - she said no , she got swept away but what she wants is to work things out.

I then asked if he wanted something more - reply to that was a no as well

At the end they both agreed that there was no scope of there being anything else because deeply they did not want anything more , the fling supposed took care of whatever 'appetite' they had for each other.

I dont know about my wife , but the guy must have really had fun as well - be with the woman you want to be , does not matter if she is married , and post doing that walk away and there is no mess for you to clean up , only the other 2 people.

As for the spy mode , fair and accepted , will see what i can do.



giashasa2012 said:


> *I will say it again , you need to find your own information to be able to confirm if she tells you the truth. Go in spy mode*
> 
> Maybe the other man wanted more then an affair with her after his divorce . And she knew that he could tell you ( it has happen).


----------



## happyman64

Shattered

Good job keeping your head and your cool!

And the sex you had with your wife is called "Hysterical Bonding" and is quite normal.

Google it!

Stay on top of your wife and the situation.

Speak with your inlaws. And if she is keeping her job (not that I agree but the job market sucks here...) then you need to confront OM and then tell his STBXW.

And your wife needs to send OM a No Contact letter that you approve.

It is good she came clean of her own free will. That is big. Many waywards never do.

Good Luck

HM64


----------



## shattered32

Wow! Now that i did not know.. i loved the following phrase i found , and given what i felt afterwards , so accurate.

Its a way of - *overwriting' the OP from the WS's memories*




happyman64 said:


> Shattered
> 
> Good job keeping your head and your cool!
> 
> And the sex you had with your wife is called "Hysterical Bonding" and is quite normal.
> 
> Google it!
> 
> Stay on top of your wife and the situation.
> 
> Speak with your inlaws. And if she is keeping her job (not that I agree but the job market sucks here...) then you need to confront OM and then tell his STBXW.
> 
> And your wife needs to send OM a No Contact letter that you approve.
> 
> It is good she came clean of her own free will. That is big. Many waywards never do.
> 
> Good Luck
> 
> HM64


----------



## shattered32

I have to say thanks again , whenever i have time i keep coming back and reading these 5 pages and it helps so much!

I know everyones been saying that i dont have the complete picture and that its been going on for far longer , i respect the collective wisdom of everyone here and i hope no one takes offense when i ask , or rather debate if there is chance that in my case maybeit has not been on for longer - that what i am being told is actually it..... much to the exception of normally what takes place?

Also , i know no matter what i say right now about confronting or the manner in which i do , the OM , i do want to get an honest opinion on if it matters and how should i react - should i be calm , composed , or should i really walk in wanting to pick physical fight , or rather not want but instigate it. Like i have written in the past that i dont hold him to blame nearly at the same level as i do my wife , but does that mean i should let it go? His divorce has been on for about 2 years , well before my wife was even in the safe office so whatever problems he had there were independent of the situation right now.

I think i am fairly sure i do want to see him , see how he reacts when i tell him i know - beyond that what - a few sucker punches , ill probably get enough back as well but relish in the satisfaction of knowing that i did beat the crap out of him , or is this being kiddish and not the way i should go about it.

Not sure , and dont really care how the WW is going to react , she'll probably need to quit , or one of them if i make a scene in office out of sheer embarrassment , might not be a bad thing that.


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## warlock07

I am more pissed off on how your wife is dealing with your pain..That it is not important, that you will get over it, she won't quit the job, how what you did was similar to what she did..

Your wife is self serving..She has only her interests in her mind. You cannot trust her to help to deal with the pain or the affair constructively She is doing what is good for you... She confessed for herself, not for you. You just happened to be her husband...


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## Malaise

shattered32 said:


> I have to say thanks again , whenever i have time i keep coming back and reading these 5 pages and it helps so much!
> 
> I know everyones been saying that i dont have the complete picture and that its been going on for far longer , i respect the collective wisdom of everyone here and i hope no one takes offense when i ask , or rather debate if there is chance that in my case maybeit has not been on for longer - that what i am being told is actually it..... much to the exception of normally what takes place?
> 
> Also , i know no matter what i say right now about confronting or the manner in which i do , the OM , i do want to get an honest opinion on if it matters and how should i react - should i be calm , composed , or should i really walk in wanting to pick physical fight , or rather not want but instigate it. Like i have written in the past that i dont hold him to blame nearly at the same level as i do my wife , but does that mean i should let it go? His divorce has been on for about 2 years , well before my wife was even in the safe office so whatever problems he had there were independent of the situation right now.
> 
> I think i am fairly sure i do want to see him , see how he reacts when i tell him i know - beyond that what -* a few sucker punches , ill probably get enough back as well but relish in the satisfaction of knowing that i did beat the crap out of him , or is this being kiddish and not the way i should go about it.*
> Not sure , and dont really care how the WW is going to react , she'll probably need to quit , or one of them if i make a scene in office out of sheer embarrassment , might not be a bad thing that.


This sounds great, many here dream of it. But the reality is an assualt charge. You don't need that.

If you can get him fired, go to HR, that would be almost as good as beating the crap out of him.


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## warlock07

shattered32 said:


> I have to say thanks again , whenever i have time i keep coming back and reading these 5 pages and it helps so much!
> 
> I know everyones been saying that i dont have the complete picture and that its been going on for far longer , i respect the collective wisdom of everyone here and i hope no one takes offense when i ask , or rather debate if there is chance that in my case maybeit has not been on for longer - that what i am being told is actually it..... much to the exception of normally what takes place?
> 
> Also , i know no matter what i say right now about confronting or the manner in which i do , the OM , i do want to get an honest opinion on if it matters and how should i react - should i be calm , composed , or should i really walk in wanting to pick physical fight , or rather not want but instigate it. Like i have written in the past that i dont hold him to blame nearly at the same level as i do my wife , but does that mean i should let it go? His divorce has been on for about 2 years , well before my wife was even in the safe office so whatever problems he had there were independent of the situation right now.
> 
> I think i am fairly sure i do want to see him , see how he reacts when i tell him i know - beyond that what - a few sucker punches , ill probably get enough back as well but relish in the satisfaction of knowing that i did beat the crap out of him , or is this being kiddish and not the way i should go about it.
> 
> Not sure , and dont really care how the WW is going to react , she'll probably need to quit , or one of them if i make a scene in office out of sheer embarrassment , might not be a bad thing that.



People are concerned particularly because whatever you do will be a waste of time if you work on R with the wrong details..Like fixing the engine for a flat tire.. You need to know the complete extent of the betrayal to know about the person the betrayed you..

Also, get tested for STds and get her tested too.


----------



## warlock07

Has she answered what went through her mind after the first time ? Was she drunk ?


----------



## theroad

You want the whole truth. I'm sorry to say you won't get the whole truth tell your WW takes a polygraph test.

Also the OMW must be told about the affair.

Your WW best friend and parents knew before you and they left you in the dark. How did that make you feel?

Well you are dumping on the OMW the way your WW BF did by not warning you.

Yet you want to confront the OM. Why? You get in a fight. You get beat up medical bills and arrested. You beat up OM. You getsued for medical bills, arrested, pay defense attorny, lose in court pay OM and OM lawyer too.

Better then confronting the OM is to expose the affair to the OMW.

Be a man because it is time to man up and tell the OMW.


----------



## warlock07

What was the nature of their relationship before the sex ? You might want to find out the nature of the relationship before this. If she has a smartphone, you can probably recover most deleted texts. Go through her phone records for the last few months to check how frequent their contact was. If she uses the company's phone, make sure she gets them too.

She probably must have deleted the emails by now but you can check them up too. Just realize that if she can cheat on you, lying to you about it is no big deal.

And about the confrontation with the OM, don't threaten him with violence or anything. Ask him about the bare facts of the affair and see if they match up with your wife's details..They probably matched their stories by now though...


Why isn't divorce an option ?


----------



## rrrbbbttt

Still you need answers to questions, she is attempting to get you to walk away from this issue by "Getting Over IT"

Earlier you pointed out she stated she had sex Twice that night. Has she answered your question as to why she went back the second time if she knew it was wrong the first time, and did she even think of you before doing it again?

That is an answer you may want to have or it will haunt you throughout your R if you choose to R.

1. Get a Computer keylogger
2. Get a VAR and hide in her Car
3. Have her take a polygraph, if she wants you to get over it.
4. Get all her pass codes and words.
5. Get tested for STDs
6. Has she showed true remorse or it seems to be she is treating this as something YOU have to deal with and to fix the marriage?
7. Contact an Attorney and find out your options.
8. Was this the only time, or was this the time she wanted to come clean. A woman who has never cheated and then has sex, twice in one night with another man, does not correlate. Just remember what was stated in TEARS thread about how she felt.

Some you may not want to do but you need to prepare yourself as you are only at the begining.


----------



## shattered32

Malaise said:


> This sounds great, many here dream of it. But the reality is an assualt charge. You don't need that.
> 
> If you can get him fired, go to HR, that would be almost as good as beating the crap out of him.


I am working on the HR piece , and fortunately for me , in my country this would not be an assault charge , ill prob be let off after someone breks it up - in fact chances are that he might get slapped around by the cops a bit himself , such stuff is heavily frowned upon in society here in general.



warlock07 said:


> Also, get tested for STds and get her tested too.


Have told her , she has agreed , ill need to push to make it happen i am assuming i will do that , if not for her sakes mine.



warlock07 said:


> Has she answered what went through her mind after the first time ? Was she drunk ?


No concrete answer , she said she thinks she fell asleep ( i have since been told there was some amount of alcohol involved) and that the 2nd time around was instigated by OM. I also asked her how it happened the first time - they said they were having a smoke and once the smokes got over then they kind of both leaned into each other ------- ???? ------ i normally reach for an ashtray , but thats me i guess!


----------



## shattered32

Sorry , this came after i posted my reply - like i mentioned in that one , she said she doesnt really recall the details . she thinks she fell sleep , they had been drinking , and then the OM instigated the second round - i was pretty blatant in my questions , i think so much so that i really put her at unease , good!

And i went on - so how long did you sleep for? In his arms or on your side of the bed? Curled upto each other? How did he start the second time around.....etc etc etc.




rrrbbbttt said:


> Earlier you pointed out she stated she had sex Twice that night. Has she answered your question as to why she went back the second time if she knew it was wrong the first time, and did she even think of you before doing it again?
> 
> That is an answer you may want to have or it will haunt you throughout your R if you choose to R.
> 
> .


----------



## LetDownNTX

shattered32 said:


> Sorry , this came after i posted my reply - like i mentioned in that one , she said she doesnt really recall the details . she thinks she fell sleep , they had been drinking , and then the OM instigated the second round - i was pretty blatant in my questions , i think so much so that i really put her at unease , good!
> 
> And i went on - so how long did you sleep for? In his arms or on your side of the bed? Curled upto each other? How did he start the second time around.....etc etc etc.


I read the original post and skipped around after that so I dont know if this was asked or not. Is there any chance that the reason the OM is divorcing is because the OMW found out about the cheating? You might want to talk to her if you can and find out. If they are divorcing you wont have to worry about ruining their marriage (not that I would care but some people do).

I think its good that she told you on her own but I also think there is a reason for her telling you and you just dont know what yet. Her telling you to get over it....the nerve. I dont know in what context she used the phrase but it sounds very cruel and I'd let her know that IF I get over it it will be on my own terms, not hers!


----------



## cpacan

shattered32 said:


> I have to say thanks again , whenever i have time i keep coming back and reading these 5 pages and it helps so much!
> 
> I know everyones been saying that i dont have the complete picture and that its been going on for far longer , i respect the collective wisdom of everyone here and i hope no one takes offense when i ask , or rather debate if there is chance that in my case maybeit has not been on for longer - that what i am being told is actually it..... much to the exception of normally what takes place?
> 
> Also , i know no matter what i say right now about confronting or the manner in which i do , the OM , i do want to get an honest opinion on if it matters and how should i react - should i be calm , composed , or should i really walk in wanting to pick physical fight , or rather not want but instigate it. Like i have written in the past that i dont hold him to blame nearly at the same level as i do my wife , but does that mean i should let it go? His divorce has been on for about 2 years , well before my wife was even in the safe office so whatever problems he had there were independent of the situation right now.
> 
> I think i am fairly sure i do want to see him , see how he reacts when i tell him i know - beyond that what - a few sucker punches , ill probably get enough back as well but relish in the satisfaction of knowing that i did beat the crap out of him , or is this being kiddish and not the way i should go about it.
> 
> Not sure , and dont really care how the WW is going to react , she'll probably need to quit , or one of them if i make a scene in office out of sheer embarrassment , might not be a bad thing that.


Of course your wife may act different than other waywards we get to see at TAM. Our comments are partly based on "Looks like a duck, sounds like a duck, acts like a duck - I would be damned if it isn't in fact a duck", and partly based on normal human nature when you make a mistake(!) and face consequences, your emediate response is damage control by minimizing, omission and blameshifting.

Also the fact that she had all that time to prepare a decent game plan.


----------



## keko

B!tch ain't remorseful. Dump her. Respect yourself more then her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## snap

shattered32 said:


> I know everyones been saying that i dont have the complete picture and that its been going on for far longer , i respect the collective wisdom of everyone here and i hope no one takes offense when i ask , or rather debate if there is chance that in my case maybeit has not been on for longer - that what i am being told is actually it..... much to the exception of normally what takes place?


It is possible, but extremely unlikely. Bear in mind nearly everyone here (me included) believed their case was special and not like the rest at first.


----------



## theroad

All too often the OMW alreadys nows about the affair. What usually causes a WW to confess to her BH is when the OMW says to the WW you better tell your BH or I will.

The WW tells because she can limit how much you find out. Chances are very good that OMW knows a lot more then you have been told by your WW.

Nothing works better then the BH and OMW comparing notes to fill in each other's information gaps.


----------



## Asian

Hi, I feel ur pain. Same thing happens to me but I asked her to quit her job or else and she did. 
Take two to reconnect but you got to make sure ask ur self she is still who and what you want after what she did to you.
I stayed because she is what I want even she lied and cheated.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bfree

snap said:


> It is possible, but extremely unlikely. Bear in mind nearly everyone here (me included) believed their case was special and not like the rest at first.


I agree with snap. Everyone thinks they are the exception not the rule. One thing I've learned since coming to TAM. The cheater's script is real. That's why so many here can effectively predict the course of events. OP, please listen to those who are more experienced. They know from whence they speak.


----------



## Kallan Pavithran

She seems to be more business minded, not as a respectful wife.

You seems happy that she told you everything but trust but verify, she is a person who can lie and cheat. She can come home and look into your face and lie without a wink. So dont trust her words. 

I dont believe that she will do anything she offered. She is in damage control and she is doing/agreeing things to safe guard her safety blanket.


----------



## Shaggy

Do not confront the OM directly. The fact that he slept with a married women shows that he is a piece of sh*t of a human being. He won't feel any remorse at all about what he did, he flat out doesn't care about anything other than him getting sex.

Do let this wife know. Yes they are getting divorced, but maybe she can use it somehow to help her and hurt him.

Do let his supervisor and hr know. 

You wife MUST leave the job. She doesn't want to, she will think it unfair that she has too, but sorry lady, you cheat at work you chose to give up that job.

The fact is her current job is where she chose to have her affair and to cheat. she did it with a coworker, she did it at an offsite, and she did is using company money for the hotel, the food, and drinks. 

No doubt btw, that the rumor mill at work has gotten wind of her cheating (if it hasn't see what you can do to start spreading the word).

She chose to do it there, and she chose to make work her affair spot. When she did that she also made it impossible for her to continue working at that job.

Have her quit and find a new job now.

As for offsite's - those for her a done. Never again unless you are with her. It's not because you don't think you can trust her. It's because she's shown that she CANNOT be trusted.

---

Two non-negotiable actions for this coming week:

1 Have her take the polygraph.

2. Have her leave her job.


----------



## Shaggy

Can I ask shattered what area of the work this is going on in?

Is it Asia or North America?

You're wife's blunt coldness and focus on money makes me wonder if you're living in Asia.


----------



## Summer4744

Shattered. I still can't get over how cold your wife seems to what she did to you. She seems very self centered even now. Does she show real remorse? Does she regret the pain she caused you?


----------



## warlock07

Shaggy said:


> Can I ask shattered what area of the work this is going on in?
> 
> Is it Asia or North America?
> 
> You're wife's blunt coldness and focus on money makes me wonder if you're living in Asia.


Is that an Asian stereotype ? I do know that women of Korean heritage tend to be highly materialistic and money fouced(Because of their culture)

No offense meant to anyone. That is what I've heard and read..


----------



## the guy

Is the OM really getting a divorce.

It seems to me that a guy getting divorced would need the companionship from another women, but instead OM seems to agree in the NC. That just doesn't make sence.

If I was going thru a D and just got laid, I would want to continue!


----------



## ShootMePlz!

She said he instigated the second round of the tryst, does that mean he just rolled her over and asked her and she said YESSSS!!!


----------



## Bricko

Shattered,

Just enough time for a quick comment.

Way to go!!! Proud of you for standing up for yourself.


----------



## shattered32

Another day, another 14 hours of being awake when I rather be asleep all the time, it’s so much better. Don’t know if today is better or worse than yesterday, not feeling as ‘normal’ as I was yesterday but I am also nursing a massive hangover – I had mentioned that I was going to meet the WW mother, and eventually it turned out to be a long evening, both her folks and her as well, with lots of whisky, consumed mostly by me.

I spent about 1.5 hours alone with her mom before her dad came and eventually she herself a little afterwards, it was neither planned to be so long, nor was it planned that it will end up becoming a group discussion, in hindsight I believe it was a good thing, everything was out, everyone knew the scene, everyone knew what needs to be done.

Her mom and me had a good chat. It started out with us generally talking about other things and then she broached the subject on what I felt / thought about the entire situation – I laid it out for her as I did for my wife - what I felt, what I had doubts on , what I think needed to be done by her , on my terms and conditions , that I saw 2 problems not 1 , and that nothing justifies her sleeping with someone else.

Both of us agreed that it was a stroke of good luck , if you can call it that , that I did not have a place to go to hence I did not move out , I don’t know if I mentioned this earlier but I have had a suitcase packed since 1 hour after she told me - , not moving out basically meant the lines to communicate remained open , we did spend time together and if I had it would have pretty much been final. 

I cannot remember all the details to put down, and I am sure ill miss out many, please feel free to ask anything you guys want to know over and above 

Her mom agreed that the effort needs to be put in by her. That even if there was a problem, this is not the manner in which she should dealt with it and she should have spoken about it then and not after what she did.

What she did is clearly not fair to me, and while there can be no justification for it , if I could in my heart attribute it to someone folding into temptation and making one stupid mistake which will not be repeated again – my response was that temptations have been around for me as well (i.e my crush from a few years ago) , but something stopped me from going beyond a point – the marriage and the thought of my wife stopped me – I would expect nothing less from her as well , can I let it go , just leave it as something which happened but will never happen again – I don’t know – maybe it’s more my ego as a man speaking at this point but I don’t know , can I try and work on letting it go – maybe.

I told her that its not only about the present, one starts doubting everything , how do I know (as many of you have said to me over the last few days) that I have just been told about the tip of the iceberg , they have been at it longer , there was more to it – I also much later at night asked my wife again on when she started leaning onto this guy , this year July was the answer , which unfortunately means that when we were on our supposed 3 week holiday she was into the guy by then, and I know she would have been thinking of him during these 3 weeks – maybe that’s why it happened as soon as we came back , she missed him too much – sick!

Her mom says that she firmly believes that its not gone or for longer, proof of-course cannot be provided she said, but she just feels it has not.

One other thing which she mentioned was that of-course she was shocked by what the WW did, but also because she never thought or noticed any problem with us either, and agrees that I was not being ‘thick’ and simply not noticing, it just did not appear that there was anything wrong.

I told her I have terms and conditions , logical and illogical, and I don’t really care what her daughters opinion on them are, if I feel that something needs to be done it has to me. She agreed, she herself said that she needs to give up this job and if I am expecting that from her, it is the least she can do.

Told her, maybe I should not have at this point, that hypothetically I don’t see why things won’t work out between us if she does what she needs to do, it will only not work if she is unwilling to do them – and there can be no other reason except 1 that she will not make the effort in which case the marriage was over long before this happened and its simply not a question of me willing to work things out, its in her hands, not in mine.

We kept visiting a lot of the same questions as the chat progressed, eventually her dad returned as well and shortly thereafter the WW. 

Some more ‘family’ talks took place which revolved around the above , her mom was quite emphatic about her needing to do something with her job, dad very clear on how wrong this was and stop dragging it on under the guise of a bigger problem if that’s what she is doing and let me move on – if there is a bigger problem fine work on it if you want to , if there is not and you just simply screwed up – admit to it , no point on working on anything which stands as an excuse to cover up other things.

Post that we went home and spoke for a bit more, i think its hit her in the head now that there is a concern on the job front , she appeared to be much more 'emotional' but i would not take that at face value right now , like i said , lots of whisky.


----------



## shattered32

LetDownNTX said:


> I read the original post and skipped around after that so I dont know if this was asked or not. Is there any chance that the reason the OM is divorcing is because the OMW found out about the cheating? You might want to talk to her if you can and find out. If they are divorcing you wont have to worry about ruining their marriage (not that I would care but some people do).
> 
> I think its good that she told you on her own but I also think there is a reason for her telling you and you just dont know what yet. Her telling you to get over it....the nerve. I dont know in what context she used the phrase but it sounds very cruel and I'd let her know that IF I get over it it will be on my own terms, not hers!


No its not , i am fairly certain , i spoke to someone else who knows him and the proceedings have been on since 2010. Way earlier. On the terms and conditions , i have done exactly that now.



cpacan said:


> Our comments are partly based on "Looks like a duck, sounds like a duck, acts like a duck - I would be damned if it isn't in fact a duck", and partly based on normal human nature when you make a mistake(!) and face consequences, your emediate response is damage control by minimizing, omission and blameshifting.
> 
> Also the fact that she had all that time to prepare a decent game plan.


Yep , i would choose duck as the answer as well. Point well taken and yes she did have ample time for a gameplan.




Asian said:


> Hi, I feel ur pain. Same thing happens to me but I asked her to quit her job or else and she did.
> Take two to reconnect but you got to make sure ask ur self she is still who and what you want after what she did to you.
> I stayed because she is what I want even she lied and cheated.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree completely , going back means to the same person , i am very clear on that , if i want to go back to a different person, than best to start scratch with someone who has not done something like this.




bfree said:


> I agree with snap. Everyone thinks they are the exception not the rule. One thing I've learned since coming to TAM. The cheater's script is real. That's why so many here can effectively predict the course of events. OP, please listen to those who are more experienced. They know from whence they speak.


I am listening , i really am trying and i am also trying to implement a lot of the advise that i haven getting from all of you , its just that in this process that i am going through , and it may be normal ,i suppose its ok to question something within myself or my beliefs as well , if for nothing else to have the satisfaction of knowing that when i made a decision it was post looking at all perspectives.


----------



## shattered32

Summer4744 said:


> Shattered. I still can't get over how cold your wife seems to what she did to you. She seems very self centered even now. Does she show real remorse? Does she regret the pain she caused you?


I would have expected , preferred been happy if i saw her in a corner everyday sobbing away , but no that's not happening - yes there was lots of pleading and apologies and tears on the first day , second day lesser - i have asked her this infact yesterday i think - i told her that the manner in which you are talking to me comes across as a bit cold and rational , almost businesslike , not like what i would assume a guilty , really apologetic wife should sound like , and the same with your behavior , when i packed my suitcase why did i happen to look up and see you sitting and looking at me and not instead saw you running to me , grabbing hold of my legs, the bag etc - her answer to this was only because she has had time to prepare herself for the worst, she has been obsessing so much on that i will leave that when i finally started to leave it was almost surreal for her, she had prepared herself so well that while there was numbness and panic it was internal.... am i being able to explain this?



the guy said:


> Is the OM really getting a divorce.
> 
> If I was going thru a D and just got laid, I would want to continue!


yes he is really getting a divorce and yes i agree , for someone with absolutely no attachment such as his own wife or family , why would you not want to continue to keep getting what you are getting and have possibly been missing out on (i.e sex) , very difficult to believe that when you did it the two times you had no morals , but then realization dawned the next morning and you felt so bad that you said its over.... thats a big pill to swallow.



ShootMePlz! said:


> She said he instigated the second round of the tryst, does that mean he just rolled her over and asked her and she said YESSSS!!!


Yep i guess so , we all know she did not say NO , so it had to be a yes. 



Bricko said:


> Shattered,
> 
> Just enough time for a quick comment.
> 
> Way to go!!! Proud of you for standing up for yourself.


Thanks Bricko!!


----------



## shattered32

Shaggy said:


> Can I ask shattered what area of the work this is going on in?
> 
> Is it Asia or North America?
> 
> You're wife's blunt coldness and focus on money makes me wonder if you're living in Asia.


India. Why do you get the impression about money being a focus , sorry if thats something i have managed to convey but thats not the case , she makes less than me but enough that she does not need mine , and if she was interested in the OM for money then its rather sad because he makes less than me! 



Shaggy said:


> Do not confront the OM directly. The fact that he slept with a married women shows that he is a piece of sh*t of a human being. He won't feel any remorse at all about what he did, he flat out doesn't care about anything other than him getting sex.
> 
> *This is going to be difficult. i would not if this meant legal hassles for me , it wont , unless i do something really extreme which i wont. i really want to 'meet' this guy .....*
> 
> Do let this wife know. Yes they are getting divorced, but maybe she can use it somehow to help her and hurt him.
> 
> Do let his supervisor and hr know.
> 
> *am trying to get in touch with the wife but i dont think she is in the same city even now , i had the same intentions - get in touch with her and see what i can do to make the divorce even more painful for him. Working on the HR piece as well , the supervisor personally will not give a damn*
> 
> You wife MUST leave the job. She doesn't want to, she will think it unfair that she has too, but sorry lady, you cheat at work you chose to give up that job.
> 
> Y*ep , i think that is something which i will need to insist on.*
> 
> The fact is her current job is where she chose to have her affair and to cheat. she did it with a coworker, she did it at an offsite, and she did is using company money for the hotel, the food, and drinks.
> 
> No doubt btw, that the rumor mill at work has gotten wind of her cheating (if it hasn't see what you can do to start spreading the word).
> 
> *I hope it has , i really hope it has*
> 
> 
> As for offsite's - those for her a done. Never again unless you are with her. It's not because you don't think you can trust her. It's because she's shown that she CANNOT be trusted.
> 
> *she has been informed of this , no offsite for a while or forever even maybe. does not matter if its this job or some other job , offsites are no going to happen , shes accepted*
> 
> ---
> 
> Two non-negotiable actions for this coming week:
> 
> 1 Have her take the polygraph.
> 
> 2. Have her leave her job.


*Poly not easy , we dont have the kind of 'professionalism' that one might find in other countries.*


----------



## shattered32

Everyones been advising that she should leave her job and like i have been saying in agree - but there is a reason i am not aggressively pushing the agenda on this right now with her 

Once she leaves , she will be home for say a period of 30-40 days easily till she finds work someplace else , it could be less but lets assume that this is the time-frame 

during these 30-40 days she is going to be home ALONE , i will be at work for 10-11 hours a day - would i be more worried in a situation like that ? because she then clearly has more than enough time to do stuff , she has a certain sense of security knowing that i am out and will not make a surprise visit - atleast while she is in office she is surrounded by a 100 people , she can only do something if both of them do something post office hours , which i am keeping a watch on , more give a common excuse to get out of office and go bunk up someplace - which is also not that easy.


----------



## bandit.45

Why are YOU planning to leave? Why should you leave the home?

So she can move her lover in the minute you disappear around the block?

You pack her suitcase, you call her mom and dad and you kick HER out. She's the one who cheated. Why should you have to leave?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lovelygirl

shattered32 said:


> I would have expected , preferred been happy if i saw her in a corner everyday sobbing away , but no that's not happening - yes there was lots of pleading and apologies and tears on the first day , second day lesser - i have asked her this infact yesterday i think - i told her that the manner in which you are talking to me comes across as a bit cold and rational , almost businesslike , not like what i would assume a guilty , really apologetic wife should sound like , *and the same with your behavior , when i packed my suitcase why did i happen to look up and see you sitting and looking at me and not instead saw you running to me , grabbing hold of my legs, the bag etc - her answer to this was only because she has had time to prepare herself for the worst, she has been obsessing so much on that i will leave that when i finally started to leave it was almost surreal for her,* she had prepared herself so well that while there was numbness and panic it was internal.... am i being able to explain this?


It's concerning to see how numb she is. That's because reality hasn't hit her yet or she just doesn't really care anymore. 
I think it's the latter. Instead of accepting the fact that you were leaving, she should have begged you to stay and unpack what you were packing.
Sitting there and watching you is just indifference.

Also, what bandit said. She's the one to leave.


----------



## shattered32

bandit.45 said:


> Why are YOU planning to leave? Why should you leave the home?
> 
> So she can move her lover in the minute you disappear around the block?
> 
> You pack her suitcase, you call her mom and dad and you kick HER out. She's the one who cheated. Why should you have to leave?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No reason on why me actually , when she told me i got so worked up that i said im leaving - which meant me physically moving out - but at any rate this is going to be a bit of a mute point , the rent we pay is very high , its not possible to do it on one persons salary , so if we do separate what will happen is that she will go back to her folks and i will find myself another place.





lovelygirl said:


> It's concerning to see how numb she is. That's because reality hasn't hit her yet or she just doesn't really care anymore.
> 
> Sitting there and watching you is just indifference.
> 
> Also, what bandit said. She's the one to leave.


indifference - yes , thats the word i was looking for. i am not in denial when i say this in that sense but i am hoping that reality has not hit her yet. Maybe because she obsessed on it so much she has built up a defense wall which does not allow her to crumble at this stage , she prepared so much to not fall apart that she is not right now - maybe a few weeks down the line when she feels , for the lack of a better word -sure about me staying , then is when i will get to start seeing the flood of emotions?


----------



## bandit.45

No. If she was truly sorry she would be on the floor groveling. She has checked out of the marriage my friend. You and your feelings are nothing but an afterthought.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## shattered32

If she genuinely has then why bother with me at all , i mean if she does not feel inclined to make an effort then why do it - ? Because its more a marriage of convenience now than anything else?



bandit.45 said:


> No. If she was truly sorry she would be on the floor groveling. She has checked out of the marriage my friend. You and your feelings are nothing but an afterthought.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45

shattered32 said:


> If she genuinely has then why bother with me at all , i mean if she does not feel inclined to make an effort then why do it - ? Because its more a marriage of convenience now than anything else?


Um....yeah. 


Something like that.


----------



## cpacan

shattered32 said:


> No reason on why me actually , when she told me i got so worked up that i said im leaving - which meant me physically moving out - but at any rate this is going to be a bit of a mute point , the rent we pay is very high , its not possible to do it on one persons salary , so if we do separate what will happen is that she will go back to her folks and i will find myself another place.
> 
> indifference - yes , thats the word i was looking for. i am not in denial when i say this in that sense but i am hoping that reality has not hit her yet. Maybe because she obsessed on it so much she has built up a defense wall which does not allow her to crumble at this stage , she prepared so much to not fall apart that she is not right now - maybe a few weeks down the line when she feels , for the lack of a better word -sure about me staying , then is when i will get to start seeing the flood of emotions?


Unfortunately I don't think that's the case. She has worked herself up to believe that you are at fault in this and think that you need to pull yourself together and get over this - it hasn't anything to do with her.

If you decide to leave, she will probably show sadness, but also at the same time feel like the victim. I think she has checked out and that it will be next to impossible to make her commit again.


----------



## catcalls

_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## shattered32

Ouch.




bandit.45 said:


> No. If she was truly sorry she would be on the floor groveling. She has checked out of the marriage my friend. You and your feelings are nothing but an afterthought.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





bandit.45 said:


> Um....yeah.
> 
> 
> Something like that.


----------



## catcalls

I am surprised at her brazeness and real lack of remorse. Especially in india where if people know she will be stigmatized no matter what class she belongs to. I suspect you haven't told your parents as that probably will lead to a lot more falout. Was she ashamed to tell her parents? I know the days of expecting your wife to be a sati saviti (extremely devoted) are long gone but surely your wife should have some sort of respect for you in the least.

My feeling is that she has zero respect for you even now and thinks you just have to get over this. Her parents are doing damage limitation and probably want to avoid the stigma of divorce. 

If you have no children the decision is clear. This woman is not a keeper.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64

Shattered

All good moves that you have made o far.

And do not move out.

Take some time before you make any major decisions.

See if your wife's wall comes down.

Take the time to see if she is truly remorseful. She has had time to digest her infidelity, you have not.

I like your inlaws. Mine would back me too if infidelity was the case.

One day at a time until you see what her actions say about what she wants regarding the marriage.

Watch & observe.

By then you will know what you want as well.

HM64


----------



## warlock07

Ok, I am a bit confused..Are you guys from India or are you in India ?


----------



## shattered32

Are you from India or did you get the Sati Saviti phrase from someplace  , 

No my parents dont know but reasons for me not disclosing it to them are very different - they are going through some major stress thanks to some other family member , and they dont need this right now - this is one of the reasons i said i did not have anyplace to go - i could not go to my parents with a suitcase and not explain whats happened , hence for now thats the way it will stand.

I was not there when she went to her folks so i cannot say too much on that - but to quote her , she went expecting to be beaten up and thrown out for doing what she did - but she did not.

Stigma of divorce , cannot comment , but if they are concerned about that , the i cannot really blame them.





catcalls said:


> I am surprised at her brazeness and real lack of remorse. Especially in india where if people know she will be stigmatized no matter what class she belongs to. I suspect you haven't told your parents as that probably will lead to a lot more falout. Was she ashamed to tell her parents? I know the days of expecting your wife to be a sati saviti (extremely devoted) are long gone but surely your wife should have some sort of respect for you in the least.
> 
> My feeling is that she has zero respect for you even now and thinks you just have to get over this. Her parents are doing damage limitation and probably want to avoid the stigma of divorce.
> 
> If you have no children the decision is clear. This woman is not a keeper.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## shattered32

me and my wife are Indians.



warlock07 said:


> Ok, I am a bit confused..Are you guys from India or are you in India ?


----------



## shattered32

got an email from her best friend - snippet below , as a response / her point of view on why she did it and that maybe distance did not lead to this , the guy led to the distance as someone put it.

_if there is no distance then you would not feel the need (consciously or otherwise) to be close to someone else. Something has to be lacking to get tempted 

She would have come across a lot of other people ho could have been as tempting or even more tempting then this guy..but she never gave it a thought, did anything before.

..... but this time because the distance existed , she started moving closer to this guy and what happened happened.

He just happened to be there . Had he not been there maybe she would not have even realized there was something wrong_[/I]

I asked her to give me her email password and she has of-course anything incriminating would have been deleted a long time ago , but i guess a good sign nevertheless


----------



## warlock07

What phone does she have ? You can retrieve deleted texts. You can also check the sent mails in her email(many cheaters forget that)

Actually that you are Indian changes things a bit. Considering how much more sex is valued in countries like India and the social stigma associated with acts like having an affair, I think you don't have the complete story....I am sensing a more sinister angle whatever it is. (As far as I know, casual sex and ONS are pretty alien to the culture. She risked for too much to confess a ONS ). 

From now on, believe only believe stuff you can verify.. She is managing and manipulating the whole situation..I know the culture and that makes your first post and her response even more surprising...


----------



## shattered32

Yes i general , as a definition to the country ,we are very conservative and sex is not just something you do , its much bigger for that , for most people - but then the youth today , or as it was say 10 years back were not of the norm - we were very different , we were the ones who probably grew up when the Sex, Drugs and Rock and roll culture (metaphor) came to India , we are not as conservative as our parents etc...

And i think i understand your statement on how this takes a different context for you now to know we are from India - but in reply it also lends some additional credibility in my head for her (and this is for arguments sake right now  , that with the kind of stigmas attached to cheating , divorce , being an unmarried woman at the age of 32 - the fact that she told her parents , she told me , says a lot....




warlock07 said:


> What phone does she have ? You can retrieve deleted texts. You can also check the sent mails in her email(many cheaters forget that)
> 
> Actually that you are Indian changes things a bit. Considering how much more sex is valued in countries like India and the social stigma associated with acts like having an affair, I think you don't have the complete story....I am sensing a more sinister angle whatever it is. (As far as I know, casual sex and ONS are pretty alien to the culture. She risked for too much to confess a ONS ).
> 
> From now on, believe only believe stuff you can verify.. She is managing and manipulating the whole situation..I know the culture and that makes your first post and her response even more surprising...


----------



## bandit.45

No. Her being contrite and truly remorseful towards you would be saying a lot. 

She admitted what she did because she got caught and cornered. 

C'mon man. Quit playing goalie for her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Shaggy

I picked up on the focus on money as part of her being so focused on her career and job that she hasn't had time for, and because she didn't immediately quit.

I think your reasoning on having her home alone for a while instead of busy at work is flawed. I get it, the idea of idle hands. But here being at work is bad. 

1. It reinforces to her the idea that everything is her life is back to normal for her. Yeah she's got a problem that you are angry at her for cheating, but other than that she's just bad to her day to day life with NO consequences for having cheated. None. This teaches her that she got away with it.

2. It provides opportunity for the POSOM to have contact with her. You only have her word that she isn't chatting with him, and flirting at work every day.

If she was out of her job, then it would send home the lesson to her that there are direct and immediate consequences to her for her choice to cheat. In fact her sitting at home alone for many hours will really emphasize this point to her.

IF she if home out of work, it will give her more time to concentrate on finding a new job. 

Right now your wife isn't doing A single thing different as a consequence of her choice to cheat. Nothing. The only thing that's actually gone on is that YOU are being told that you need to get over it and to become a better husband to her, with the implied threat that not only was this time entirely your fault, but if you don't shape up and become the right kind of husband, she's going to do it again.

Her suffering consequences isn't about pure punishment - instead you need to see them as tools for her to learn by. And she needs to learn that when you cheat, consequences happen, the situation must change, and you must suffer bad things.

She chose to use work to meet the OM, to begin the relationship months ago, and to end up in his bed for several rounds of sex (that you know of, I suspect there has been other times).

The consequence of her choosing to cheat AT WORK is that she looses the job and position she's worked to build. She chose to throw that away - AND THAT's why she must quit NOW. Today.


----------



## shattered32

bandit.45 said:


> No. Her being contrite and truly remorseful towards you would be saying a lot.
> 
> She admitted what she did because she got caught and cornered.
> 
> C'mon man. Quit playing goalie for her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah........ i suppose i sound like that dont i , a goalie....quite a royal sucker i am coming out to be i suppose.



Shaggy said:


> I picked up on the focus on money as part of her being so focused on her career and job that she hasn't had time for, and because she didn't immediately quit.
> 
> I think your reasoning on having her home alone for a while instead of busy at work is flawed. I get it, the idea of idle hands. But here being at work is bad.
> 
> 1. It reinforces to her the idea that everything is her life is back to normal for her. Yeah she's got a problem that you are angry at her for cheating, but other than that she's just bad to her day to day life with NO consequences for having cheated. None. This teaches her that she got away with it.
> 
> 2. It provides opportunity for the POSOM to have contact with her. You only have her word that she isn't chatting with him, and flirting at work every day.
> 
> If she was out of her job, then it would send home the lesson to her that there are direct and immediate consequences to her for her choice to cheat. In fact her sitting at home alone for many hours will really emphasize this point to her.
> 
> IF she if home out of work, it will give her more time to concentrate on finding a new job.
> 
> Right now your wife isn't doing A single thing different as a consequence of her choice to cheat. Nothing. The only thing that's actually gone on is that YOU are being told that you need to get over it and to become a better husband to her, with the implied threat that not only was this time entirely your fault, but if you don't shape up and become the right kind of husband, she's going to do it again.
> 
> Her suffering consequences isn't about pure punishment - instead you need to see them as tools for her to learn by. And she needs to learn that when you cheat, consequences happen, the situation must change, and you must suffer bad things.
> 
> She chose to use work to meet the OM, to begin the relationship months ago, and to end up in his bed for several rounds of sex (that you know of, I suspect there has been other times).
> 
> The consequence of her choosing to cheat AT WORK is that she looses the job and position she's worked to build. She chose to throw that away - AND THAT's why she must quit NOW. Today.


The only thing ill say is not , there was no focus on money - as for the rest of the stuff you wrote , you have written it so well that i just dont have a counter as of this point.

_Her suffering consequences isn't about pure punishment_ sure , but at this point i get more satisfaction in knowing that it is something she will suffer from ,not learn.


----------



## warlock07

shattered32 said:


> Yes i general , as a definition to the country ,we are very conservative and sex is not just something you do , its much bigger for that , for most people - but then the youth today , or as it was say 10 years back were not of the norm - we were very different , we were the ones who probably grew up when the Sex, Drugs and Rock and roll culture (metaphor) came to India , we are not as conservative as our parents etc...
> 
> And i think i understand your statement on how this takes a different context for you now to know we are from India - but in reply it also lends some additional credibility in my head for her (and this is for arguments sake right now  , that with the kind of stigmas attached to cheating , divorce , being an unmarried woman at the age of 32 - the fact that she told her parents , she told me , says a lot....


I think having an emotional affair and then a physical affair tells you more about her credibility than anything else ..What is her motivation in telling you stuff like this ? Was it for her own sense of guilt or did you figure somewhere ?

Was the affair a common knowledge at her work place ? Maybe her relationship with the OM is common knowledge between her colleagues. Is there a chance that she feared someone might out her to you ?


----------



## Acabado

She had a few months to "deal" with it in her head, the rationalizations, clearing the fog, the possible scenarios after the confession...
That's why many marriage fails when old stances of infidelity are discovered, WS and BS are not, can't be in the same place emotionaly (beyond the obvious). 
The huge displayals of emotions normaly happens when they are busted or we talk about confessing a very recent act of infidelity.

It doesn't mean she was not detached emotionaly since time ago.


----------



## bfree

Shaggy said:


> I picked up on the focus on money as part of her being so focused on her career and job that she hasn't had time for, and because she didn't immediately quit.
> 
> I think your reasoning on having her home alone for a while instead of busy at work is flawed. I get it, the idea of idle hands. But here being at work is bad.
> 
> 1. It reinforces to her the idea that everything is her life is back to normal for her. Yeah she's got a problem that you are angry at her for cheating, but other than that she's just bad to her day to day life with NO consequences for having cheated. None. This teaches her that she got away with it.
> 
> 2. It provides opportunity for the POSOM to have contact with her. You only have her word that she isn't chatting with him, and flirting at work every day.
> 
> If she was out of her job, then it would send home the lesson to her that there are direct and immediate consequences to her for her choice to cheat. In fact her sitting at home alone for many hours will really emphasize this point to her.
> 
> IF she if home out of work, it will give her more time to concentrate on finding a new job.
> 
> Right now your wife isn't doing A single thing different as a consequence of her choice to cheat. Nothing. The only thing that's actually gone on is that YOU are being told that you need to get over it and to become a better husband to her, with the implied threat that not only was this time entirely your fault, but if you don't shape up and become the right kind of husband, she's going to do it again.
> 
> Her suffering consequences isn't about pure punishment - instead you need to see them as tools for her to learn by. And she needs to learn that when you cheat, consequences happen, the situation must change, and you must suffer bad things.
> 
> She chose to use work to meet the OM, to begin the relationship months ago, and to end up in his bed for several rounds of sex (that you know of, I suspect there has been other times).
> 
> The consequence of her choosing to cheat AT WORK is that she looses the job and position she's worked to build. She chose to throw that away - AND THAT's why she must quit NOW. Today.


This is exactly what I meant when I said listen to the veterans here on TAM. This is exactly right. If you don't follow this advice your marriage is over already.


----------



## catcalls

shattered32 said:


> Are you from India or did you get the Sati Saviti phrase from someplace  ,
> 
> No my parents dont know but reasons for me not disclosing it to them are very different - they are going through some major stress thanks to some other family member , and they dont need this right now - this is one of the reasons i said i did not have anyplace to go - i could not go to my parents with a suitcase and not explain whats happened , hence for now thats the way it will stand.
> 
> I was not there when she went to her folks so i cannot say too much on that - but to quote her , she went expecting to be beaten up and thrown out for doing what she did - but she did not.
> 
> Stigma of divorce , cannot comment , but if they are concerned about that , the i cannot really blame them.


I am from India but now in the UK. should have read sati savitri (damn smartphone keyboards) ;-).

I know things have changed in India since the time i left, but not that much in terms of marital fidelity. you hear of famous men having affairs, very rarely do you hear about women. yes there is a double standard in terms of how men and women are judged.

but as a thirty something indian woman, i am not that much older than your wife.So it is difficult for me to believe that she can just say that there is a distance between us, ergo i slept with this man. bam, now you get over it. 

i find this behaviour callous. I am not particularly traditional and am married to an European man, so i am not one someone who keeps banging on about 'culture' and 'values'. In any culture, this sort of behaviour is abhorrent. the fact that she says the sex was meaningless, makes it all the more sordid. It also tells you about her mindset, fairly ruthless and indifferent towards you. So if you reconcile with such a person, how can you ever believe that they can truly love you or have ever loved you truly. 

Is this an arranged marriage or some sort of love/arranged hybrid? It is such a huge step for her to go drinking with another man and have sex with him in presumably a hotel room. I guess what bothers me is the casual nature of this encounter. If it was a slow burner and she developed an attraction and growing 'love' towards this OM, it is sort of understandable, nonetheless still unacceptable Unless i have led a very sheltered life in India, I dont think this kind of behaviour is commonplace amongst married women in India. I would liken her behaviour to that of a say a single british man who routinely gets drunk and has casual sex. dont you see how cruel that is towards you. is she normally loving and inclined to be nurturing and caring towards you. or has she decided that she is a career woman and not a 'traditional' wife, so she does not need to be so towards you. are you sure she has not done this before, i.e. getting drunk with another man, not necessarily sleeping with him.

Her parents are probably more traditional and are balking at the prospect of divorce although it is more common these days in india. as i see it, she thinks of herself as an independent woman and feels she should be able to have 'fun'. 

whatever her culture, if you look at that these boards, you can see the differences between remorseful and non remorseful spouses. The remorseful ones, put all their energy towards reassuring you. they answer truthfully in painful detail what their BS wants to know. they quit their jobs, remove themselves from the 'crime scene' and do everything to reassure their spouse.

She insead is more businesslike and not really putting in the hard yards of repentance. you may feel that you dont want to lose this marriage and see it as reflecting badly on you if you get divorced (just my conjecture). but the day to day grind of living with a woman you cannot trust fully, whose love you are unsure about, is very draining. 

I am not sure how feasible it is to do all the procedures which people have suggested here for betrayed spouses to follow in India. not sure how easy it is to get a VAR, polygraph or even a decent MC. You also mentioned that you dont want to burden your family with your troubles. It all makes you very isolated and unsupported. on one hand you have her and her parents subtly pushing you towards R, and on the other you have no one but yourself (and this forum to some extent) giving your some support. can you talk to friends of other relatives to just get some one who can be a sounding board and be objective.

yet i dont know your wife, so she might be truly remorseful and it was just something that happenned. but somehow i dont find it plausible that you just sleep with someone twice so easily. take care of yourself, perhaps suggest that she move in with her parents for a few weeks so that you have some space and distance to contemplate her actions and what you want to do next. 

btw, if it is not too uncomfortable to reveal, where in india are you based?


----------



## life101

I married my soon-to-be-ex wife after a six year long relationship. My wife had EA twice during that time and I forgave her both the times thinking that she would understand the meanings of commitments and boundaries. After marriage we had to live apart for a year due to career reasons though I wanted her to be with me and find a suitable opportunity, but didn't force her. Actually I never forced her to do anything and gave her complete freedom. When we met after a year she seemed distant. A few weeks ago she asked for divorce.

In India, a married woman of 30 will never ask for divorce unless she got some kind of assurance from someplace else. I didn't think that she was having an affair but discovered it couple of days ago. It is over for me now. She asked if I want her to leave the job, live with me leaving the OM, and make her unhappy. I am not going to block her `happiness' and grant her wish. I asked her why she didn't tell me of the affair first and she said it was because of the fear that I might contest and not go for mutual consent. This after she initially threatened to drag me and my family to court if I didn't give mutual consent.

The reason why I told you this story is that it sounds eerily familiar to mine. My soon-to-be-ex also started working till late night for last 8-9 months. She wouldn't have any time to chat with me even during the weekends. After I confronted her about the affair, my soon-to-be-ex said that she was checking out of the marriage after 3 months and the two confessed their feelings to each other before she came to visit me. So she was having the cake and eating it too. The funny thing is that she blames me for this, but it was her who broke down the lines of communication even after my repeated pleadings for not to do so. She couldn't not even wait a year after marriage to start the affair.

Some people are capable of change, some people are not. It is only upto you how many chances you are going to give another person. But one thing I realized during this ordeal is that everyone deserves to be happy and if a person cannot understand the meaning of marriage then she should not get married. Once you get married, you cannot get involved with another person before ending the marriage first. Staying married and getting involved with another is being cruel to the BS. It is very easy for the WS to move on since they already got a support but the BS is the poor bastard who has to go through unbearable pain and agony. I thank God that I discovered the evidence of cheating (she claims it is EA, but I cannot trust her anymore), otherwise I would have never stopped blaming myself for the divorce.

So, your wife might be remorseful, or it might be that she is yet to get someone `eligible' enough to give her the courage to leave you. I wish you happiness either way. Remember one thing, a cheater will grab any reason or invent one to cheat and then blame you for that. It is in their DNA. How grave the reason might be, cheating is never acceptable. If someone is so unhappy, why don't just leave the marriage and do whatever the hell they want to do?


----------



## shattered32

catcalls said:


> I know things have changed in India since the time i left, but not that much in terms of marital fidelity. you hear of famous men having affairs, very rarely do you hear about women.
> 
> *not any more , the tide is turning and i think it depends where in the country you are to really feel that , one of the major 2 cities , yes you will see the change , tier 2 town maybe not*
> 
> 
> 
> Is this an arranged marriage or some sort of love/arranged hybrid? It is such a huge step for her to go drinking with another man and have sex with him in presumably a hotel room. I guess what bothers me is the casual nature of this encounter. If it was a slow burner and she developed an attraction and growing 'love' towards this OM, it is sort of understandable, nonetheless still unacceptable
> 
> *Far from it , love marriage , met in college, dated for a little over 3 years before getting married *
> 
> Her parents are probably more traditional and are balking at the prospect of divorce although it is more common these days in india. as i see it, she thinks of herself as an independent woman and feels she should be able to have 'fun'.
> 
> *i suppose the are , and they would be , different generation but their opinion while being seeked are not something i am going to base anything on*
> 
> 
> but the day to day grind of living with a woman you cannot trust fully, whose love you are unsure about, is very draining.
> 
> *Thats one of the questions in my head , that even if for one moment i say fine - she wants to make a genuine effort , yes she loves me - is that enough anymore for me ? Is it enough to keep me around , is it enough to not feel the 'affair' everyday and if this is going to keep 'draining' me all day then there is no point even if she is genuinely sorry and it was a genuine mistake , its unfortunately not about how she feels anymore or her convincing me , no matter what she says it might never be enough*
> 
> 
> 
> yet i dont know your wife, so she might be truly remorseful and it was just something that happenned.
> 
> *lets hope so , but like i wrote about , it might not be enough anymore , and i do fear the grind that i might need to live with*
> 
> btw, if it is not too uncomfortable to reveal, where in india are you based?


 , in one of the largest metros in India.



life101 said:


> Some people are capable of change, some people are not. It is only upto you how many chances you are going to give another person.


*if its happening , there is only 1 chance available , i wont be a chump twice *


----------



## shattered32

About 8 hours of talking last night , we slept at 6 AM in the morning.

Productive , i think so on some levels , i guess not everything can be thrashed out in 1 sitting , even if thats an 8 hour sitting.

Most important , she told me she will leave her job if thats what i really want. She says i dont need to be worried about it , she knows i am but that i dont need to be but if thats what i want then she will resign.

I discussed confronting the OM with her ,told her i might and if she has anything to say on that - says she understands that i want to. I told her (more to see the reaction) that i have 2 choices , have a private chat and then see how i can make his life hell - second , go public not only by making a scene at her office , but letting her HR guys know , her colleagues.....

......... She says that if i have to , then do it privately , reason that it would make a bad situation worse , shes confessed to the people she felt needed to know and why does everyone else need to know? what good would it do eventually to announce it other than cause her more embarrassment than she already feels.

Told her that yes there will be consequences , she could get fire d, never hired again , same with me , professionals who have respected you for the last 6 years are now going to turn the other way , other wayward guys are going to think that 'she is easy' and trouble you........ but i dont care. its for you to deal with not me , even though going public means i will need to handle my own demons as well.

Irrespective of public or otherwise , her first preference is that the OM and i dont meet - she says her only reason for saying that is that it will get physical 10 seconds into the conversation.

I then told her clearly i need to (again to gauge reaction) , told her the other option could be a 2 min pvt chat where i meet him , tell him i know , that he really should try and figure out how he failed in his own marriage rather than screwing around with those of others , and that one to stay away , and second that i want him to resign - and if he does not then will take it as it comes........... but again no guarantees on this not turning into a fight.

I did see remorse yesterday , i did see much more emotion , and i think ( while i dont agree with her not discussing the gap issue with me before) a slightly better understanding of what was in her head and what she was trying to say

Ofcourse i am sure that this is just 1 of the many 100's of talks that will take place over the course of the next few weeks , all talks may not be as happy/productive as this one.

*And i need to be honest with everyone here and myself , possibly since this morning , i am afraid of losing her , yes i am upset , yes i dont agree with whats been done to me and i know i may find someone else , that what i feel will get better with time....... but at this point , i am afraid of my life getting disrupted so much , going so out of the safe and secure track its been on - maybe this is pushing me to look at reconciling as well ..... maybe that i would atleast this one time , be able to stay because if for no other reason , because the fear of what will happen is something i am folding in front of.*


----------



## Kasler

^ Shes protecting OM.


----------



## aug

Kasler said:


> ^ Shes protecting OM.


Yes, I agree.

If you are afraid of losing her then your decision are based on fear. You'll loath yourself in the future when you reflect back on this. And it'll always stunt your personal growth in some ways.


----------



## AlphaHalf

You gotta expose the affair at the workplace. Both the OM and your wife knew of the consequences of there actions and they still had an affair. Don't make it easier for them by staying quiet and minimizing there actions. The other man shouldn't get a quiet slap on the wrist while maintaining his cushy job.
If you send him an email or chat online, he will just pretend to be extremely remorseful, regret his actions, then proceed to tell you everything you want to hear, But as soon as the call is over he will be thinking (PHEEEEEWWWW...That was close. ) Then continues along with no real consequences. Tell HR and his coworkers. Don't do this man any favors. Remember what he did to your marriage and wife. He always had a "Liking" to your wife so his actions where premeditated from the very beginning.


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## warlock07

> And i need to be honest with everyone here and myself , possibly since this morning , i am afraid of losing her , yes i am upset , yes i dont agree with whats been done to me and i know i may find someone else , that what i feel will get better with time....... but at this point , i am afraid of my life getting disrupted so much , going so out of the safe and secure track its been on - maybe this is pushing me to look at reconciling as well ..... maybe that i would atleast this one time , be able to stay because if for no other reason , because the fear of what will happen is something i am folding in front of.


It would have been surprising if you weren't scared...We, as humans are scared of the unknown. We will be comfortable with a known enemy than a unknown friend. 

Why do think people stay in abusive relationships ? Why do you people stay in marriage with serial cheating spouses ? There is another Indian guy here that regrets not divorcing his wife much earlier..(he is in his late 40's or early 50's I think). You don't want to spend the rest of your regretting having kids with this woman. So take time and think hard before you decide to stay in the marriage..


----------



## cpacan

warlock07 said:


> It would have been surprising if you weren't scared...We, as humans are scared of the unknown. We will be comfortable with a known enemy than a unknown friend.
> 
> Why do think people stay in abusive relationships ? Why do you people stay in marriage with serial cheating spouses ? There is another Indian guy here that regrets not divorcing his wife much earlier..(he is in his late 40's or early 50's I think). You don't want to spend the rest of your regretting having kids with this woman. So take time and think hard before you decide to stay in the marriage..


I agree, Warlock, but he doesn't have to decide emediatly while he is in emotional turmoil.

Take your time, find the facts, terminate any potential affair or attempt of having a new one, get yourself in therapy if possible to discover what you want and how to get it.

Then decide whether your wife is part of that plan or not.


----------



## A++

shattered32 said:


> I told her (more to see the reaction) that i have 2 choices


Did she gave you a list of choices, when she planned to screw the d*****bag? 

Do what you want to do, do it how you want to do it in your own way...


----------



## The Cro-Magnon

Kasler said:


> ^ Shes protecting OM.


Succinct, this man sees straight through it and is spot on.

Expose, to the fullest extent you can OP, expose her, make her see her own TRUE reflection in the faces of everyone she knows or works with. Why should she be spared this? To be afforded the psychological space in her mind to rationalize what she's done and feel OK about it, just so she can continue swanning through life never having faced any real consequences for her actions? 

Even if you have lost her, IMO you should expose her and rub her face in the reality of what she is if but for the next poor unsuspecting man she traps in her web.

As for the OM, I say you should punch his head in, but not many people agree with my "philosophical position" on that front.


----------



## warlock07

Maybe telling her that you will be confronting the OM was a bad idea..if she is devious enough, they will now match up their stories


----------



## shattered32

cpacan said:


> Take your time, find the facts, terminate any potential affair or attempt of having a new one, get yourself in therapy if possible to discover what you want and how to get it.
> 
> Then decide whether your wife is part of that plan or not.


Thanks , thats all that i am trying to do! 



A++ said:


> Did she gave you a list of choices, when she planned to screw the d*****bag?
> 
> Do what you want to do, do it how you want to do it in your own way...


Haha!! Yes , the choices were not given because i will do eventually what i feel like - i wanted to just 'probe' 



SpurnedLonelyHusband said:


> Even if you have lost her, IMO you should expose her and rub her face in the reality of what she is if but for the next poor unsuspecting man she traps in her web.
> 
> As for the OM, I say you should punch his head in, but not many people agree with my "philosophical position" on that front.


If i have lost her , or rather if i want to lose her , its guaranteed that i am going public , there will be no second thoughts on it at that point.



warlock07 said:


> Maybe telling her that you will be confronting the OM was a bad idea..if she is devious enough, they will now match up their stories


They have had 2 months , i think thats enough time to match their stories anyway - and honestly if she has been thinking this through as much as its come out , then i am sure they thought of a scenario where i might confront the OP - and they would already have a synced sequence of events etc in place.


----------



## shattered32

aug said:


> Yes, I agree.
> 
> If you are afraid of losing her then your decision are based on fear. You'll loath yourself in the future when you reflect back on this. And it'll always stunt your personal growth in some ways.


*I understand what you are saying , i dont want to be that person , if i move out i want to move out and come out stronger for it , not weaker.*



AlphaHalf said:


> You gotta expose the affair at the workplace. Both the OM and your wife knew of the consequences of there actions and they still had an affair. Don't make it easier for them by staying quiet and minimizing there actions. The other man shouldn't get a quiet slap on the wrist while maintaining his cushy job.
> If you send him an email or chat online, he will just pretend to be extremely remorseful, regret his actions, then proceed to tell you everything you want to hear, But as soon as the call is over he will be thinking (PHEEEEEWWWW...That was close. ) Then continues along with no real consequences. Tell HR and his coworkers. Don't do this man any favors. Remember what he did to your marriage and wife. He always had a "Liking" to your wife so his actions where premeditated from the very beginning.


*I am more than willing to kick his [email protected] -physically , mentally , through his job , his ex wife , whatever it takes to make that kick happen.

I am only in 2 minds - for example if i do confront him , get him to leave , screw his peace of mind - more importantly get him fired - then is there a need to still expose her within her own workplace? Not saying i have an answer in my head , pondering still.*



warlock07 said:


> It would have been surprising if you weren't scared...We, as humans are scared of the unknown. We will be comfortable with a known enemy than a unknown friend.
> 
> .


*Yep , exactly.... known enemy*


----------



## shattered32

Not too much to report from last evening , much more of the same talking that we have been doing over the last few days but there was something non routine- it was one of her folks birthday's yesterday , and there was a party with some close friends.

we always go , it was re-emphasized after i had the conversation with her mother that i should come and not let this stop me and they would like to see me , i told them ok , i told my wife maybe depending on my mood 

It started at 8 , at about 7 i told my wife - bad mood and i dont want to come and that she should go on her own , she said she understood why but coming and hanging out with people might translate into a little fun - and that her folks would be very very dissapointed if i did not - told her ill think about it but currently no - called her parents and told them the same thing.

Decided to spend more time in office rather than sitting home alone - after about an hour , once my wife had got there , she started texting me and calling and insisting that i should come - that she would like me there and even with the bad mood she would be happy if i came - and despite me saying no maybe 2-3 times , she still kept calling every once in a while and asking. In reality my mood was fine enough to go , i just did not want to bother - but then after repeated calls such as this i went , had a good enough time.

Does that need to be not read or do i read those calls insisting that i come and be with her as good sign , or if not good - luke warm?


----------



## Shaggy

shattered32 said:


> Does that need to be not read or do i read those calls insisting that i come and be with her as good sign , or if not good - luke warm?


She wants to control you and the constant calls show she does not respect you or your decisions.

You told her no. Her response to was to ignore your no and tell you to come. You said no. She again ignored you.

Your wife is controlling and demanding. I don't read words of her love or her efforts to make you feel loved. I read words of her telling you how you should be and where you should go and what you should do there.

I can't image this is a happy marriage for you.

I think your wife's attitude also shows why she has no remorse. It's because she does not respect you. And if a woman does not respect her husband. She will cheat. She won't be loving wife.


----------



## Malaise

Shaggy said:


> *She wants to control you and the constant calls show she does not respect you or your decisions*.
> 
> You told her no. Her response to was to ignore your no and tell you to come. You said no. She again ignored you.
> 
> Your wife is controlling and demanding. I don't read words of her love or her efforts to make you feel loved. I read words of her telling you how you should be and where you should go and what you should do there.
> 
> I can't image this is a happy marriage for you.
> 
> I think your wife's attitude also shows why she has no remorse. It's because she does not respect you. And if a woman does not respect her husband. She will cheat. She won't be loving wife.


:iagree:


----------



## Kasler

So you told this woman no several times and she kept calling anyways?

So basically she just didn't care about your feelings and wanted you there regardless? 

I agree with shaggy, this is not a good thing. You told her no, she ignored it and kept calling, and then you show up. 

You might as well have her keep some dog treats in her purse in the future, that way when you rise to her beck and call after repeated nos, you can at least get a snack out of it next time. 

If you don't have respect from her you are NOT going to have a good marriage.

No matter what you do or how scared you are, if she can't respect you its going to be a sh!tty marriage and she'll most likely cheat again. 

Women aren't lustily attracted to beta males for the most part, thats where the OM who had sex with your wife came in. And you're letting him off the hook because she told you so. 

Do what you will, but the originator of the affair has not been solved. OM has not been exposed, got off scot free. Wife is not really remorseful, guilty maybe but not remorseful so she will not change. 

This has all the looks of false reconciliation and repeat affair due to your refusal to lay down the law. 

Although I know you most likely will, I hope you don't regret this.


----------



## shattered32

Shaggy said:


> You told her no. Her response to was to ignore your no and tell you to come. You said no. She again ignored you.





Kasler said:


> So you told this woman no several times and she kept calling anyways?
> 
> .


Lets put this down to my tonality not being able to come across in the manner i intended owing to the fact that i was writing. I saw it as a sign of her really wanting me there , not that she was being disrespectful to my decision of not wanting to come - i mean if she is pleading for me to be with her , then why i should i simply not see it as a sign that she wants me around?


----------



## bfree

shattered,

I know things are difficult right now. I know that when people tell you things like go nuclear and expose it runs counter to what you feel you should do. I know when people say to tell her she needs to quit her job asap you feel that you would be imposing your will and feel guilty about it. I know you want to believe your wife when she says its over and you don't have to worry about her job.

These are the times when you need to ignore what you think is the best course of action and listen to those on here who have been through this before. You have never dealt with this type of sitiuation, they have. They have seen what works and what does not work. To ignore their advice is just foolish if you truly want to save your marriage.

I agree with the other posters that you need to expose this affair asap. You need to stop being afraid of losing her because it is that attitude that will push her away. You need to stop worrying about controlling her. You should be in control. You were violated in the worst way a person can be. Everything you are doing is causing irrepairable damage to your marriage. Every day that your wife goes to work is another step away from you. Every day that she doesn't face severe consequences from her affair is another day she respects you less.


----------



## bfree

shattered32 said:


> Lets put this down to my tonality not being able to come across in the manner i intended owing to the fact that i was writing. I saw it as a sign of her really wanting me there , not that she was being disrespectful to my decision of not wanting to come - i mean if she is pleading for me to be with her , then why i should i simply not see it as a sign that she wants me around?


Because she was embarrassed to be with her family without you there. By going you reassurred her and her family that you were going to forgive her for cheating on you.


----------



## Kasler

shattered32 said:


> Lets put this down to my tonality not being able to come across in the manner i intended owing to the fact that i was writing. I saw it as a sign of her really wanting me there , not that she was being disrespectful to my decision of not wanting to come - i mean if she is pleading for me to be with her , then why i should i simply not see it as a sign that she wants me around?


The fact of whether she wants you around or not is irrelevant.

Its did she respect your wishes? Which the answer to is no. 

You're playing checkers when the game is chess, you need to think more about what actions mean. 

If you'd rather think its puppy love and shes dying to have you there go right ahead, but just know that she did not respect your decision take your refusal seriously, and you caved and proved her right.

She pretty much blew off whatever the hell you wanted. 

And honestly the most probable reason she wanted you there was so it could make a pretty picture to everyone else, so they think you'll have already forgiven her.


----------



## lovelygirl

shattered32 said:


> Lets put this down to my tonality not being able to come across in the manner i intended owing to the fact that i was writing. I saw it as a sign of her really wanting me there , not that she was being disrespectful to my decision of not wanting to come - i mean if she is pleading for me to be with her , then why i should i simply not see it as a sign that she wants me around?


Disagreed. You're not being objective. You WISH she wanted you there so badly for the love she is supposed to feel for you.
In one of the lines she said "the'll be disappointed if you don't come"
What does this tell you? One thing's for sure: she wasnt thinking how you were feeling but how THEY would have felt if you hadnt gone. Also, she was trying to seve her own self by not sounding/appearing rejected in front of them. This is just selfishness from her part and by insisting she made that clear.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## warlock07

Shattered, just a word of warning. Forgiveness given out easily is not valued or respected.. She is acting like everything is normal and fine and you are allowing her to do that. And I don't mean this in a manipulative way but the more you make her look at herself and what she did, make her face some consequences of what she might lose, the less chance there is that she will cheat again(if you reconcile). Things are not fine..Don't let her think they are...There is reason we feel pain when we do some stuff. Pain is deterrent. It stops us from doing the same mistake again. 

What else did you find out about her affair that she did not tell you ? Do you have a plan or do you want to base your future based on the words of a cheater ?

There is one thread that going on live on TAM right now

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...oo-many-ruined-chances-count-mrs_mathias.html

This wife cheated on her husband but she came on to TAM and kept lying here too..(She deleted her old thread but she deserved an oscar for the acting). Her H found out through other sources the extent of betrayal and he is now going to divorce her.

The husband thread is here

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/61098-third-strike.html


----------



## shattered32

bfree said:


> shattered,
> 
> you feel that you would be imposing your will and feel guilty about it.


No , definitely not , feeling guilty about it is not in the picture ,i can reassure you of that , i am not going to feel bad about this . i dont feel bad about it - feeling guilty is not the reason why i have not asked her to do it yet..........




bfree said:


> Because she was embarrassed to be with her family without you there. By going you reassurred her and her family that you were going to forgive her for cheating on you.





Kasler said:


> so they think you'll have already forgiven her.


Yes i agree with that , there would have a been a strong element of a derived comfort for her famil and her that i came , that it was a 'normal' evening and that things were going back to normal.....




lovelygirl said:


> Disagreed. You're not being objective. You WISH she wanted you there so badly for the love she is supposed to feel for you.


Hmmmmm..........yes you are right , i was looking for that , i wanted her to call me multiple times , i wanted her to run behind me and get me to come - i was conscious while she was doing it that one of the reasons is to appear 'normal' , did i want her to do it so on some level i would treat it as a sign of remorse , of her missing me to pacify myself , yes.


----------



## shattered32

HI Warlock , to answer your question and give you folks a bit of an update

No i am not going to take verything at face value , her telling me stuff is one aspect , me believing it is another , and i am keen on verifying as and when i feel there is a need to and i have started with some steps in that direction.

As others have also said since i clarified i am from India , that certain things in this country are not easy , not available - a polygraph is not easy to get done , a NC letter does not hold any relevance etc , hence i am a bit limited but i am going to try and do what i can

One of the things i have established with her just last night is that while i am still holding out on a decision on her job , her working hours cannot be what they have been - Its been almost a week now since i first posted here - since then without me insisting or calling her and pressurizing , she is home now about 3 hours earlier than what it was like till Last Friday , starting Monday i have given her a time that she needs to be back whether i am here or not , call it a curfew i guess. She has agreed to that. Briefly , if earlier she was home at 12-1 at night, its down to 7-8 PM.


I have dug out old telephone bills , i have gone through a few and the rest over today - the bills are for the last 12 months or so , and if there was a trend earlier on , i should hopefully be able to spot something.

Like i mentioned , i have her email password , i as of last night i have her FB password as well as her smartphone - i did not need to be sneaky in getting these , i asked and i was provided the credentials. i Have already extensively gone through her email upto as early as Jan 2011 , i have not found anything significant but i am acutely aware that things might have been deleted or conversations could have been 'off the record' thus never being saved to begin with - i have left nothing out , i have seen the inbox , the sent items ,trash , chats , attachments......

What i have found are snippets of conversations which were then completed over a phone (hence i will never know) between her and her best friend - these snippets date around early 2012 and talk about her (WW) having some problems with me , inability to talk, feeling a certain lack of intimacy , feeling like we were living in a 'rut' - they tend to correspond in terms of a timeline with what she has told me on when the problems started in her head.

Other snippets reveal a trend in conversations regarding the OM around July - again corresponding to when she supposedly started getting involved - there are unfortunately no details present for me to provide to everyone here - just a peak in the number of times his name comes up in random conversations.

Basis this i asked her agressively yesterday (without informing her of me finding this trend) about whether she was being honest in telling me nothing was happening with them in July either , that they had not been physical , going on dates , talking extensively etc etc , i probed her for about half an hour and she stuck to her story. I dont plan to let up.

There are no conversations between her and the OM - were they deleted i dont know but i dont think that they were - simple reason that since they are in the same building , anything the spoke about would possible have been done in person.

I am assuming i am not going to find anything on her phone either really , i hate to say it but she is smart enough to not leave behind a trail - phones records on the other hand might reveal something.

The other thing i did yesterday was to verify her location twice. I was able to get out a little early yesterday from office , post which i checked if she was in fact at her office as well. She had informed me that later at night she would be required to visit another office , different location for some work , once i confirmed on the phone i also verified it through a physical visit to the location.

I know , definitely not the bible of proof or anything major - i do however plan to extend these verifications to not only her being in office but also when she says she is out for meetings to the best of my ability.

On a different note , its been an intense physical week. The Hysterical bonding or whatever it may be continues , we have been together 3 times in the last 4 days,a frequency which one has not seen since the early days of our marriage and us going around prior to that. She has additionally iterated multiple times that she , over whatever else she needs to do , is going to be making a focused effort on this aspect of the relationship as well , that she knows i have not been happy with it over the last year and she wants to ensure that this is sorted out as well with other things.

I also while typing this out have got hold of a few credit card bills, which i am going to go through as well.






warlock07 said:


> What else did you find out about her affair that she did not tell you ? Do you have a plan or do you want to base your future based on the words of a cheater ?


----------



## shattered32

So i just completed my Sherlock Holmes morning theme. Documents scanned were credit card bills , bank statements and mobile bills.

Dont have them all but fortunately there all covered the time frame from May - November 2012 , so the timeframe in which things started and went out of control and supposedly ended.

Credit cards - absolutely nothing which i can even with a stretch call fishy , in fact i was aware of most of the transactions and the places mentioned.

Bank Statements , nothing here as well

Mobile , again nothing really. i have made a note of numbers which say were repeated multiple times during a particular month just for reference and to cross check with the OM's number which i dont have yet - and unless it turns out that one of these numbers is the OM's which would ofcourse illogically just freak me out there is nothing. and given that they work together , if in a month there have been 8-9 calls to him it does not really tell me anything.

She got called into work sometime ago , not planned , last minute type of thing , some crisis - i will cross check she is fact there.

One of her folks called up a little while ago just to check up generally - told me that they had a conversation with her earlier in the day - and have told her / reemphasised that while i might not have made a decision regarding her work and that the final decision is mine to make - they have told her to quit ,and that if my decision is the same as what they feel , they expect her to put in her papers within 5 minutes without one word of fuss or protest.


Lastly , and no offense taken if you guys think i am being mad and absolutely silly by even asking - for the last 4 months i have been looking around for a particular vintage car and i finally found one a few weeks ago. i absolutely love it , one of those long time dreams. I confirmed intent to purchase , left a deposit as well - and then his happened which threw me off and i called the seller and said i wont be. Wifes known my interest in this and has made some visits with me in fact - she asked me last night about it , told her i cancelled it given that a certain 'fun and excitement' level has gone out of the purchase with what she's done - she says i should buy it anyway - that if it makes me happy a bit , especially so right now , will serve as a bit of a distraction and help me not brood on the subject all day everyday then why not buy it? Even if things dont work out , still buy it - coz its something i want - initially when i had decided to buy it she also wanted to put up some money into it - not because it was required but simply as a sign / contribution / wanting to be part of it - that will stay happen if i do go ahead...

Do i want the car , yes , but the question really is that is it ok for me to accept her contribution/wanting to be part of it ?


----------



## OldWolf57

Why not ?? she is still your wife, and this something you really want.
Look, I have friends from India and Bangladesh, and she is acting exactly like I see she would after accepting you leaving.
She really did have time to come to terms with just about all the varables.
And while it could be seen as coldness, sometimes it' not.
I like how you are being proactive also the view toward the job, so just take your time. Give the benefit of the doubt, but verify.


----------



## warlock07

Buy the car but don't take any money from her.. It might give the meaning that all is forgiven if you take her money. Also be wary that the sex you guys are having(also called Hysterical Bonding) while providing some relief might also mask the pain of betrayal temporarily.. You don't want to make major decisions when you are in this phase.. You will have to come to term with these feelings sooner or later. Don't avoid them. Sometimes the BS is in shock and will make decisions he will later regret..(Biggest of them is having a kid during the hysterical bonding phase)


----------



## warlock07

Regarding her bills, it could be that the OM was paying for her stuff...

And she could well have deleted the mails and chats very carefully since she had a lot of time. She left no trail at all.(check her trash and sent folder if you haven't). 

Assuming that her friend knew about the affair, 

One thing you can do is ask your wife to tell her friend to talk to you now that she confessed everything.. Her friend might tell you stuff that is missing in the chat records...Do it on the same day(ask your wife to talk to her friend and to tell you everything and talk to her the same day before she gets a chance to discuss what to tell you)


----------



## shattered32

OldWolf57 said:


> Why not ?? she is still your wife, and this something you really want.
> Look, I have friends from India and Bangladesh, and she is acting exactly like I see she would after accepting you leaving.
> She really did have time to come to terms with just about all the varables.
> And while it could be seen as coldness, sometimes it' not.
> I like how you are being proactive also the view toward the job, so just take your time. Give the benefit of the doubt, but verify.


*Thanks OldWolf57! Could you elaborate a bit on the "acting exactly like i see she would" *



warlock07 said:


> Buy the car but don't take any money from her.. It might give the meaning that all is forgiven if you take her money. Also be wary that the sex you guys are having(also called Hysterical Bonding) while providing some relief might also mask the pain of betrayal temporarily.. You don't want to make major decisions when you are in this phase.. You will have to come to term with these feelings sooner or later. Don't avoid them. Sometimes the BS is in shock and will make decisions he will later regret..(Biggest of them is having a kid during the hysterical bonding phase)


Yes , Happman64 informed me about it , that was after the first time it happened , and i am very very aware of it now - i guess there is however a grey area in this - yes this might be hysterical bonding , but then as i have been mentioning , our sex lives were never great and thats one of the things that we decided to make an effort towards as well - so maybe whats happening right now is a combination of both - HB and the effort - in which case i cant tell how it play out finally ...........


----------



## shattered32

Trash and sent folder checked , in fact the first 2 folders i checked before anything else in her account.

Yes he could have paid for stuff , i will never know , i cannot get hold of any of his financial records clearly.

Would also like to clarify that when i was going through call records , i also scrutinized the incoming calls extensively.

On the friend idea that you suggested , it wont work - they had 2 days before i got to know and would have sorted out whatever they wanted, or got their stories straight etc.......and at the end of the day she is my wifes BF , a close friend of mine as well but i dont come anywhere near the bonding levels that those 2 have - so while the friend agrees with me and hates my wife for what she did , she will not reveal anything unless by accident.




warlock07 said:


> Regarding her bills, it could be that the OM was paying for her stuff...
> 
> And she could well have deleted the mails and chats very carefully since she had a lot of time. She left no trail at all.(check her trash and sent folder if you haven't).
> 
> Assuming that her friend knew about the affair,
> 
> One thing you can do is ask your wife to tell her friend to talk to you now that she confessed everything.. Her friend might tell you stuff that is missing in the chat records...Do it on the same day(ask your wife to talk to her friend and to tell you everything and talk to her the same day before she gets a chance to discuss what to tell you)


----------



## OldWolf57

We've all been blindsided, and we feel stuck like you was. Well she tried to picture each scene but she didn't count on the actual physical reaction her body would feel, so she was stuck watching you pack.
At the same time she was trying to stick to her lil roleplay, but you refuse to be bullied.
Even now she is still trying to control the script, but you are not walking the straight line, so she gets flipped until she gets her bearings.

I think she wants to keep her marriage, but she really didn't plan for all the loops you re throwing her.
GOOD !!! Keep her off balance until she really comes to full remorse.


----------



## shattered32

You mean loops meaning for example she was expecting me to walk out i did not , was expecting me to tell her to quit her job asap - i have not....



OldWolf57 said:


> I think she wants to keep her marriage, but she really didn't plan for all the loops you re throwing her.
> GOOD !!! Keep her off balance until she really comes to full remorse.


----------



## JCD

Was this an arranged marriage? It changes the dynamics quite a bit.


----------



## shattered32

No it was not. 




JCD said:


> Was this an arranged marriage? It changes the dynamics quite a bit.


----------



## JCD

shattered32 said:


> You mean loops meaning for example she was expecting me to walk out i did not , was expecting me to tell her to quit her job asap - i have not....


Why not?

Is it you are afraid of losing your apartment?

You are being WAY too passive about this, and she is being far too controlling.

What are we missing in the family dynamic here?


----------



## shattered32

Not a all , like i said in one of my earlier posts that if we go our way i need to move out coz this place cannot be afforded on one persons salary - even if it could , i have absolutely no attachments to the place , this is on rent , its not mine.

But i have not understood what you were trying to say - are you thinking that i am worried about putting her through the loops or something else?




JCD said:


> Why not?
> 
> Is it you are afraid of losing your apartment?
> 
> You are being WAY too passive about this, and she is being far too controlling.
> 
> What are we missing in the family dynamic here?


----------



## JCD

shattered32 said:


> Not a all , like i said in one of my earlier posts that if we go our way i need to move out coz this place cannot be afforded on one persons salary - even if it could , i have absolutely no attachments to the place , this is on rent , its not mine.
> 
> But i have not understood what you were trying to say - are you thinking that i am worried about putting her through the loops or something else?


I wasn't clear. Let me clarify.

If your wife quits, you will need to move out whether you kick her out or not. As you say, if you do not have two incomes, you can't stay there. So your love of apartment seems to be more important than getting your wife out of the job where she cheated on you.

Think hard on that. Essentially that is the same as saying that as long as she brings in enough money, you are okay with the status quo.

And that is starting to make sense to me. She knows you and she knows you like stuff/money/status. So she feels empowered enough to dictate terms to you. You will not give up an apartment, so she feels she can tell you to pound sand up your ass about making her quit. Likewise about 'getting over it'. If your marriage fails, there are enough consequences you won't like that she feels...safe.

And so far, she's correct.


----------



## shattered32

Apologies in advance if this comes across as being rude , i have no intention of it being that , but i want to be as straight forward as possible to avoid any confusion.

I am not concerned about the money she brings in , i make about 60% more than her on an annual basis , the reason there is no point staying in the same apartment is because this is a 2 bedroom apartment at about 2800 sq.ft , if we break up there is no point hanging to something this huge - i am not afraid of losing it , it does not make sense for me to hang on to - what am i going to do with so much space - so no the apartment is not important , and if at all i would rather use the money i save to buy for example the car i mentioned or do something else , go on a vacation..... the apartment holds absolutely no importance for me.


I have no liabilities on the money front , like i said i earn about 60% more than her , in a few more months , this is probably going to be at about 150% - i dont need her money , i have enough of my own.




JCD said:


> I wasn't clear. Let me clarify.
> 
> If your wife quits, you will need to move out whether you kick her out or not. As you say, if you do not have two incomes, you can't stay there. So your love of apartment seems to be more important than getting your wife out of the job where she cheated on you.
> 
> Think hard on that. Essentially that is the same as saying that as long as she brings in enough money, you are okay with the status quo.
> 
> And that is starting to make sense to me. She knows you and she knows you like stuff/money/status. So she feels empowered enough to dictate terms to you. You will not give up an apartment, so she feels she can tell you to pound sand up your ass about making her quit. Likewise about 'getting over it'. If your marriage fails, there are enough consequences you won't like that she feels...safe.
> 
> And just to add , if you read my first post , i was ready to walk out , i was not thinking that i should try and get her out so i can retain this apartment , it means absolutely nothing.
> 
> And so far, she's correct.


----------



## jim123

shattered32 said:


> About 8 hours of talking last night , we slept at 6 AM in the morning.
> 
> Productive , i think so on some levels , i guess not everything can be thrashed out in 1 sitting , even if thats an 8 hour sitting.
> 
> Most important , she told me she will leave her job if thats what i really want. She says i dont need to be worried about it , she knows i am but that i dont need to be but if thats what i want then she will resign.
> 
> I discussed confronting the OM with her ,told her i might and if she has anything to say on that - says she understands that i want to. I told her (more to see the reaction) that i have 2 choices , have a private chat and then see how i can make his life hell - second , go public not only by making a scene at her office , but letting her HR guys know , her colleagues.....
> 
> ......... She says that if i have to , then do it privately , reason that it would make a bad situation worse , shes confessed to the people she felt needed to know and why does everyone else need to know? what good would it do eventually to announce it other than cause her more embarrassment than she already feels.
> 
> Told her that yes there will be consequences , she could get fire d, never hired again , same with me , professionals who have respected you for the last 6 years are now going to turn the other way , other wayward guys are going to think that 'she is easy' and trouble you........ but i dont care. its for you to deal with not me , even though going public means i will need to handle my own demons as well.
> 
> Irrespective of public or otherwise , her first preference is that the OM and i dont meet - she says her only reason for saying that is that it will get physical 10 seconds into the conversation.
> 
> I then told her clearly i need to (again to gauge reaction) , told her the other option could be a 2 min pvt chat where i meet him , tell him i know , that he really should try and figure out how he failed in his own marriage rather than screwing around with those of others , and that one to stay away , and second that i want him to resign - and if he does not then will take it as it comes........... but again no guarantees on this not turning into a fight.
> 
> I did see remorse yesterday , i did see much more emotion , and i think ( while i dont agree with her not discussing the gap issue with me before) a slightly better understanding of what was in her head and what she was trying to say
> 
> Ofcourse i am sure that this is just 1 of the many 100's of talks that will take place over the course of the next few weeks , all talks may not be as happy/productive as this one.
> 
> *And i need to be honest with everyone here and myself , possibly since this morning , i am afraid of losing her , yes i am upset , yes i dont agree with whats been done to me and i know i may find someone else , that what i feel will get better with time....... but at this point , i am afraid of my life getting disrupted so much , going so out of the safe and secure track its been on - maybe this is pushing me to look at reconciling as well ..... maybe that i would atleast this one time , be able to stay because if for no other reason , because the fear of what will happen is something i am folding in front of.*


You can not do this out of weakness. Start working on you. Get out a bit. Do the 180. Choose to stay because you want to and not because you have no other options.

Your problem is you are too available. Everything is about her. She is in full control. She cheated and dictated terms to you.


----------



## shattered32

I hear you , i honestly do and i have started working on me , no from necessarily this situations perspective but otherwise , i just signed up for piano lessons , i am already a musician but always wanted to learn the piano , never got around to it , thought now is as good a time as any.

I mentioned earlier she got called into work , the fact that she went in to work i verified , she is actually there. i have got about 5 calls from her in the last 2 hours just to ask how i was doing..... i have not given her one single call....



jim123 said:


> You can not do this out of weakness. Start working on you.


----------



## bfree

You keep saying things like "I verified she is at work" or "I verified she is at this site" but the fact is that WORK = AFFAIR both in your mind and in hers. Every day she goes to work at a place that facilitated her affair you look like you have no [email protected] to her. Pardon my bluntness but you are completely underestimating the effect this is having both on you and on her. YOU WILL NEVER START GETTING PAST HER AFFAIR AND RECOVER YOUR MARRIAGE AS LONG AS SHE CONTINUES TO WORK THERE.


----------



## jim123

bfree said:


> You keep saying things like "I verified she is at work" or "I verified she is at this site" but the fact is that WORK = AFFAIR both in your mind and in hers. Every day she goes to work at a place that facilitated her affair you look like you have no [email protected] to her. Pardon my bluntness but you are completely underestimating the effect this is having both on you and on her. YOU WILL NEVER START GETTING PAST HER AFFAIR AND RECOVER YOUR MARRIAGE AS LONG AS SHE CONTINUES TO WORK THERE.



This is correct. There can be no R until she leaves. Read the Devestated Dad thread. His wife as with the OM at her work.


----------



## shattered32

I agree with you , yes her workplace is what made it happen in the first place , but my verification attempts and checks were intended to ensure she was where she said she was - i know i have to deal with her job soon and the fact that the OM works there as well and that irrespective of her , i need to deal with it to sort it out in my own head , and if you ask why i have not done it yet , only because of the demons i am fighting in my head which i have mentioned in earlier posts as well....




bfree said:


> You keep saying things like "I verified she is at work" or "I verified she is at this site" but the fact is that WORK = AFFAIR both in your mind and in hers. Every day she goes to work at a place that facilitated her affair you look like you have no [email protected] to her. Pardon my bluntness but you are completely underestimating the effect this is having both on you and on her. YOU WILL NEVER START GETTING PAST HER AFFAIR AND RECOVER YOUR MARRIAGE AS LONG AS SHE CONTINUES TO WORK THERE.


----------



## bfree

shattered32 said:


> I agree with you , yes her workplace is what made it happen in the first place , but my verification attempts and checks were intended to ensure she was where she said she was - i know i have to deal with her job soon and the fact that the OM works there as well and that irrespective of her , i need to deal with it to sort it out in my own head , and if you ask why i have not done it yet , only because of the demons i am fighting in my head which i have mentioned in earlier posts as well....


Well, your demons are pushing you straight toward a divorce or repeated infidelity if you stay with her. Every day you delay is killing your marriage. This should have been the first thing you demanded. And her leaving the job is not only because the OM works there. It is also a constant reminder of her affair, both to you and to her. Like it was stated in another thread, it's like an alcoholic trying to quit drinking and working at a brewery.


----------



## shattered32

What if i manage to get him fired? what if he leaves or i get him to .... then her job does not matter right ..... if i displace the OM from there the is not that better , yes i know it might take time and till that time she will continue to work there.....

... and partly also because if i do decide to expose everything and i want everyone in her office to know , her not being there would render that a bit ineffective as well....

hence the demons

at the end of the day this is how i find myself reacting , and i might be proved to be a fool for not listening to the cumulative advise and experience that everyone here has had...

Having said what i have above , i am not disagreeing with you





bfree said:


> Well, your demons are pushing you straight toward a divorce or repeated infidelity if you stay with her. Every day you delay is killing your marriage. This should have been the first thing you demanded. And her leaving the job is not only because the OM works there. It is also a constant reminder of her affair, both to you and to her. Like it was stated in another thread, it's like an alcoholic trying to quit drinking and working at a brewery.


----------



## shattered32

Make that about 10-11 now.



shattered32 said:


> have got about 5 calls from her in the last 2 hours just to ask how i was doing..... i have not given her one single call....


----------



## warlock07

Not to be a bummer, it is good step but a very tiny one..

sucking up to you is very easy..


----------



## bfree

shattered32 said:


> What if i manage to get him fired? what if he leaves or i get him to .... then her job does not matter right ..... if i displace the OM from there the is not that better , yes i know it might take time and till that time she will continue to work there.....
> 
> ... and partly also because if i do decide to expose everything and i want everyone in her office to know , her not being there would render that a bit ineffective as well....
> 
> hence the demons
> 
> at the end of the day this is how i find myself reacting , and i might be proved to be a fool for not listening to the cumulative advise and experience that everyone here has had...
> 
> Having said what i have above , i am not disagreeing with you


No, you don't understand. She will always associate her work environment with her affair. In her mind as long as she works there and is still with you she has "gotten away with it." Its not a conscious thought but a subconscious one. And every day you allow her to stay at that job you are a cuckold. What woman is going to respect a cuckold? Let me put it this way. I have lurked on TAM for quite a long time. In all the time I have read here and some other sites I go to I am only aware of ONE instance where a person that had a work affair was able to keep their job AND successfully reconcile the marriage. ONE! And that was only because the spouse was working there as well and was in charge of all computer access and communication. You are causing irrepairable damage to your marriage by allowing her to continue working there. Her affair is on her but this is on you. I've said this before and I'll say it again, you aren't following the advice from others that have been there. This is not good.

Edited to add: If she were truly remorseful for the affair she would have left her job voluntarily already. The fact that she is still there is another indication she does not respect you.


----------



## lovelygirl

bfree said:


> You keep saying things like "I verified she is at work" or "I verified she is at this site" but the fact is that WORK = AFFAIR both in your mind and in hers. Every day she goes to work at a place that facilitated her affair you look like you have no [email protected] to her. Pardon my bluntness but you are completely underestimating the effect this is having both on you and on her. YOU WILL NEVER START GETTING PAST HER AFFAIR AND RECOVER YOUR MARRIAGE AS LONG AS SHE CONTINUES TO WORK THERE.


Exactly. Verifying she's at work won't make any difference. It's not that she went somewhere else to pursue her affair. It already happened there....where she said she was.

And yeah, memories will be alive as long as she's still there. Also, how do you know she doesn't chat with the OM?
How do you know she interrupted all sort of face-to-face communication with him there? 

You can't verify it.


----------



## shattered32

warlock07 said:


> Not to be a bummer, it is good step but a very tiny one..
> 
> sucking up to you is very easy..







bfree said:


> I've said this before and I'll say it again, you aren't following the advice from others that have been there. This is not good.


Duly noted - i shall work on this.



lovelygirl said:


> And yeah, memories will be alive as long as she's still there. Also, how do you know she doesn't chat with the OM?
> How do you know she interrupted all sort of face-to-face communication with him there?
> 
> You can't verify it.


Yes , you are right , i cannot verfiy , i guess even though very small and possibly inconsequential the physical verification made me feel good but like i said above , this is noted and i shall work on it.


----------



## Shaggy

she needs to quit her job, and you need to stop beating around the bush about it. Meaning - you need to man up and tell her today to quit tomorrow. Leaders make decisions, they don't wait and wait and wait. They decide and act. It's time for you to lead here and to decide.


----------



## shattered32

Hi Shaggy - why is this not coming naturally to me as a decision? i mean everyone here has said it , her folks agree , i felt it when she told me as well...... i dont know i am beating around the bush?.... all i cann assure everyone is that its got nothing to with money...... but something is clearly stopping me from putting my foot down on this........ do you think subconsciously one would prefer it if she keeps her job so i would that our lives are more 'routine' on a day to day basis ? as they were so to speak.




Shaggy said:


> she needs to quit her job, and you need to stop beating around the bush about it. Meaning - you need to man up and tell her today to quit tomorrow. Leaders make decisions, they don't wait and wait and wait. They decide and act. It's time for you to lead here and to decide.


----------



## jim123

shattered32 said:


> Hi Shaggy - why is this not coming naturally to me as a decision? i mean everyone here has said it , her folks agree , i felt it when she told me as well...... i dont know i am beating around the bush?.... all i cann assure everyone is that its got nothing to with money...... but something is clearly stopping me from putting my foot down on this........ do you think subconsciously one would prefer it if she keeps her job so i would that our lives are more 'routine' on a day to day basis ? as they were so to speak.


You lack confidence and are affraid to loose her.


----------



## Complexity

jim123 said:


> You lack confidence and are affraid to loose her.


Pretty much this. You're afraid you're going to "push" her too far and she'll leave you.

Out of curiosity, is your spouse a trophy wife?


----------



## OldWolf57

Yo peeps, is anyone actually reading what he post ??

He STATED he would be MORE WORRIED if she had no job, but more time on her hands.

So can we plzzzzzzzz stop thinking of ourselves, and how WE want to write this play !!!

We all know cheaters follow a script, but sometime we forget each relationship is different.

From what he's writing, things are going about normal in these situation.

Do I think he's been told all ?? NOT by a long shot, but SHE outed herself to her friends and parents. AND yes, I know she know they would have heard if he found out before.

But I alos see him giving her enough rope at the job, that he will find it all out just like DocMathis.

Shattered, without you actually knowing, you have done much to throw her off. She is still trying to control certain aspects, but don't worry about em. 
She clearly wants to stay married, and you are not too uncomfortable to be making drastic decisions. So YOU control your timetable, not CWI posters


----------



## shattered32

Nopes , not a trophy wife.



Complexity said:


> Out of curiosity, is your spouse a trophy wife?


----------



## JCD

Okay. Let's talk turkey.

This isn't about the money. It isn't about demons.

It's about reputation. YOUR reputation. You live and work in India. For those who haven't been here, it's Patriarchal, though it's changing.

So exposure will NOT be the soft ridicule what American men get. It will be rather harsh and direct ridicule. We can think it's low or wrong, but that doesn't change the facts.

He really doesn't want to wear the cuckold horns in public. I can't say I blame him. Because if this information goes beyond a very few, very loyal family and friends, EVERYONE will know. His grocer. His driver. His cleaning lady. Who wants that? Gossip is the main fuel of India 

So we have to work within that framework, whether we agree with it or not.

So YOU go to your wife and state this rather firmly. "If YOU want a normal relationship with me, if you want a prayer of getting over this, YOU need to find another job without any prompting from me...and YOUR share of the expenses aren't going down, so it better be a good one."

She needs to face some consequences.

Frankly, facing and shaming him doesn't work for me. He did wrong, he knows he did wrong and he doesn't care. It's probably a mark of honor for him.

But you can't hit him without hitting yourself so you either suck up people knowing or him getting away with it.

Your choice.


----------



## lovelygirl

It's better not to waste time with him. 
Your wife is the problem, not him.
Your wife cheated on you, not him.
Your wife needs to do the heavy lifting, not him.

You need to deal with your wife first. Forget about him for a while.
If your wife isn't ready to get over the affair 110% by switching jobs and showing true remorse, then what do expect from him?


----------



## shattered32

OldWolf57 said:


> Shattered, without you actually knowing, you have done much to throw her off. She is still trying to control certain aspects, but don't worry about em.


Glad to know i am doing something right , even if i dont realize it! 





JCD said:


> Okay. Let's talk turkey.
> 
> This isn't about the money. It isn't about demons.
> 
> It's about reputation. YOUR reputation. You live and work in India. For those who haven't been here, it's Patriarchal, though it's changing.
> 
> So exposure will NOT be the soft ridicule what American men get. It will be rather harsh and direct ridicule. We can think it's low or wrong, but that doesn't change the facts.
> 
> *You are right i will not*
> 
> He really doesn't want to wear the cuckold horns in public. I can't say I blame him. Because if this information goes beyond a very few, very loyal family and friends, EVERYONE will know. His grocer. His driver. His cleaning lady. Who wants that? Gossip is the main fuel of India
> 
> *Yes we love gossip*
> 
> So we have to work within that framework, whether we agree with it or not.
> 
> So YOU go to your wife and state this rather firmly. "If YOU want a normal relationship with me, if you want a prayer of getting over this, YOU need to find another job without any prompting from me...and YOUR share of the expenses aren't going down, so it better be a good one."
> 
> *Agreed*
> 
> She needs to face some consequences.
> 
> Frankly, facing and shaming him doesn't work for me. He did wrong, he knows he did wrong and he doesn't care. It's probably a mark of honor for him.
> 
> But you can't hit him without hitting yourself so you either suck up people knowing or him getting away with it.
> 
> *One of the reasons i have not confronted him yet i suppose - if he just wanted sex , he got it , he won.*
> 
> Your choice.


The only clarification or aspect i would like to highlight is that yes we are a country of gossip and stuff like this takes on a whole new meaning when people get to know..but if this goes public i am not worried, i am going to be seen (given the mindset) as a victim.... my wife on the other hand possibly faces ostracization......

So if i am not doing it for a reason linked to public opinion or reaction , i can assure you that reason would then only be that i dont want her to go through it - not that i am worried about how people will react - i will get sympathy , lots of it , lots of wishes , people will try and get me to meet other women etc etc.... she's going to get screwed.


----------



## shattered32

Shall pay heed and try and do this , i am not dying to meet this guy , its just seemingly like a reflect reaction which is coming through........




lovelygirl said:


> . Forget about him for a while.


----------



## shattered32

One thing i would like to mention is that while there has been some amount of HB over this last week - its not going to happen for a week , its that time of the months so no more sex etc for a few days - i am entering into this week with a certain amount of curiosity , take sex out of the picture and how would next week be...a large part our entire time together this last week has been that , and given that it was an issue , that fact that we were together 3-4 times obviously helped me immensely... 

Wondering if some of this fog is going to clear when the physical is put aside for some time.


----------



## bfree

JCD said:


> Okay. Let's talk turkey.
> 
> This isn't about the money. It isn't about demons.
> 
> It's about reputation. YOUR reputation. You live and work in India. For those who haven't been here, it's Patriarchal, though it's changing.
> 
> So exposure will NOT be the soft ridicule what American men get. It will be rather harsh and direct ridicule. We can think it's low or wrong, but that doesn't change the facts.
> 
> He really doesn't want to wear the cuckold horns in public. I can't say I blame him. Because if this information goes beyond a very few, very loyal family and friends, EVERYONE will know. His grocer. His driver. His cleaning lady. Who wants that? Gossip is the main fuel of India
> 
> So we have to work within that framework, whether we agree with it or not.
> 
> So YOU go to your wife and state this rather firmly. "If YOU want a normal relationship with me, if you want a prayer of getting over this, YOU need to find another job without any prompting from me...and YOUR share of the expenses aren't going down, so it better be a good one."
> 
> She needs to face some consequences.
> 
> Frankly, facing and shaming him doesn't work for me. He did wrong, he knows he did wrong and he doesn't care. It's probably a mark of honor for him.
> 
> But you can't hit him without hitting yourself so you either suck up people knowing or him getting away with it.
> 
> Your choice.


I'm glad you added this JCD. But that begs the question, if she faces being completely and utterly ostracized if this became public why do it? Why have an affair? And if it is fear that is motivating her then how can shattered be assured that she is truly ever remorseful and not just afraid he will "out her?" And lastly, can't she quit her job without making this a public spectacle. Does he have to completely go nuclear if that will blow back on him?


----------



## bfree

shattered32 said:


> One thing i would like to mention is that while there has been some amount of HB over this last week - its not going to happen for a week , its that time of the months so no more sex etc for a few days - i am entering into this week with a certain amount of curiosity , take sex out of the picture and how would next week be...a large part our entire time together this last week has been that , and given that it was an issue , that fact that we were together 3-4 times obviously helped me immensely...
> 
> Wondering if some of this fog is going to clear when the physical is put aside for some time.


It may give you some clarity or it may just make you angry.


----------



## theroad

This affair was never exposed at work if I remember.

This shows that doing a half assed exposure is the same as going in after a cancer tumor and only taking out half and leaving the other half in there.

If a proper exposure was done maybe the OM would of been fired and there would be 100% NC now. Instead NC is not in place and the BH would not be spinning his wheels here.

It is not important that the WW has to leave that job if the OM quits or gets fired. Good jobs are not out there. To quit and lose benefits, pension, senority, when the OM has left to never come back.

What is important is that one of them leaves. Why should the WW have to lose her job when the BH can expose and that gets the OM fired?


----------



## bfree

theroad said:


> This affair was never exposed at work if I remember.
> 
> This shows that doing a half assed exposure is the same as going in after a cancer tumor and only taking out half and leaving the other half in there.
> 
> If a proper exposure was done maybe the OM would of been fired and there would be 100% NC now. Instead NC is not in place and the BH would not be spinning his wheels here.
> 
> It is not important that the WW has to leave that job if the OM quits or gets fired. Good jobs are not out there. To quit and lose benefits, pension, senority, when the OM has left to never come back.
> 
> What is important is that one of them leaves. Why should the WW have to lose her job when the BH can expose and that gets the OM fired?


It would seem to me that since company funds and resources were used to facilitate this affair I would expect that both of them would be fired.


----------



## shattered32

bfree said:


> It may give you some clarity or it may just make you angry.






theroad said:


> What is important is that one of them leaves. Why should the WW have to lose her job when the BH can expose and that gets the OM fired?


*one of the many things i am thinking about . if the OM quits or i get him to quit then it serves the same purpose as me getting her to quit.*



bfree said:


> It would seem to me that since company funds and resources were used to facilitate this affair I would expect that both of them would be fired.


Maybe or maybe not , our industry does not look at such things from the same conservative or ethical perspective as others do - you cannot when 80% of the workforce in this industry is probably younger than 28-29.


----------



## keko

You're approach is doomed to fail. If OM quits then your wife will find another one. If your wife quits then she'll find another OM at her new job. She needs to fix herself and prove to you that she can keep her skirt down if you're to continue with her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Kasler

He needs to lay down the law. 

Each day that goes by, her respect for you will lessen. 

It doesn't matter what comes but that job needs to be gone, period. 

Every day she walks into that office who do you think she'll be reminded of? What do you think she'll be reminded of?

And verifying that she is there is in no way a good thing since thats where the affair went down in the first place!


----------



## shattered32

Well at that rate or assumption i might as well throw in the towel and live to fight another day.........



keko said:


> If your wife quits then she'll find another
> OM at her new job. [/i][/size]


----------



## shattered32

Can i just say that hit me like a ton of bricks , other folks here have said the same thing as well , but the manner in which you have phrased it is simply 'in my face'





Kasler said:


> And verifying that she is there is in no way a good thing since thats where the affair went down in the first place!


----------



## Kasler

shattered32 said:


> Can i just say that hit me like a ton of bricks , other folks here have said the same thing as well , but the manner in which you have phrased it is simply 'in my face'


Its really rough and I can be very blunt at times, but her being at work is a BAD thing, not a good thing for your marriage. 

Surrounded by memories of the affair and OM, and like bfree said maybe not consciously but subconsciously shes definitely going to be thinking. "Had my affair, kept my husband, kept my job, off scot free."

verification won't work since shes at the place where she had her affair with no changes.

Her being verified at work would be a wife 'verifying' her cheating husband's daily presence at a strip club. 

Its just not gonna work, and will destabilize the marriage.


----------



## shattered32

Kasler said:


> Its really rough
> 
> Her being verified at work would be a wife 'verifying' her cheating husband's daily presence at a strip club.
> 
> Its just not gonna work, and will destabilize the marriage.


I am really glad you said what you did , thanks for that !! and the strip club analogy is as appropriate if not more hard hitting than the earlier one - its giving me fresh perspective , thanks!


----------



## keko

shattered32 said:


> Well at that rate or assumption i might as well throw in the towel and live to fight another day.........


You don't have to assume anything other then your wife being a cheater. She has shown you that she can easily cheat, do take her for what she is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Shaggy

shattered32 said:


> *one of the many things i am thinking about . if the OM quits or i get him to quit then it serves the same purpose as me getting her to quit.*


No it's not the same. To be brutal, it's the cowards way and being a coward is going to bite you in the butt here. You're wife was able to have an affair because she did not respect you. Taking the cowards way out and not being the leader is loosing you even more respect from her.

Look, I know you wish this never happened. Of course you do. But wishing a thing to be, never makes it so. The fact is your wife did cheat. she didn't have any respect for you, or she wouldn't have done it. Since Dday, you've been upset but afraid to take clear cut and definitive actions and direction. 

I hate to say it, but serious you need to man up and you need to make decisions. they may be bad. sometimes decisions are wrong. But they are decisions. Leaders don't stand in the middle of the forest and say "Gee I don't know. I just don't know." They listen to their gut and pick a direction to go. They know it maybe wrong, but they have the confidence to know that they will fix whatever was bad about their past decision when they need to fix it.

But they make decisions and they move forward. You're not. You are spinning, and you're wife will be noticing.

Have her quit her job. It may be the wrong choice or it may be the right choice. either way it's a choice.


----------



## shattered32

Shaggy said:


> No it's not the same. To be brutal, it's the cowards way and being a coward is going to bite you in the butt here.


Accepted , since i do not have an opinion as is clear , i will follow the collective wisdom and accept that it is better for her to leave rather than the OM.


----------



## shattered32

Ok , i think the question of the day in my head ( and there ofcourse many more but this one keeps making an appearance today more than anyone else) is - would all this have been easier to deal with if not for the sex

So what i am asking myself is , that if take sex out of the equation , which means that wife had a 1 month affair which meant those 2 spending lots of time together but nothing physical - would that be better.

Better for me and the situation in general?

For me , yes it would have been better , so if i have reconciliation problems or i 'cant get over it' , a large reason would be because they had sex , if they had not , maybe it would already be behind us.

But in the larger scheme of things - what would hold more weight , the sex or the affair , i am assuming that i am going to get many replies which are going to tell me that the 'emotional' aspect of it is far worse in the longer run as it can only be read as a fundamental problem in the relationship - that sex is possibly a consequence of this problem and not the problem itself ( which is my wifes decision to cheat)


----------



## warlock07

Sex definitely matters...more for men than women it seems.

I don't remember the statistics but I do remember reading that the likelihood of divorce is higher when a man finds out about his wife's affair..(as compared to wife finding out her H's affair).


----------



## shattered32

Thats what i am being told by everyone i am speaking to as well on the subject back at home - some close friends etc , the majority being women etc - they all say the same thing , probably more for men.

So knowing that , does one need to think about that i might not be seeing the 'larger' picture because i have sex in front right now?

Day 1 of no HB.



warlock07 said:


> Sex definitely matters...more for men than women it seems.
> 
> .


----------



## cpacan

shattered32 said:


> Ok , i think the question of the day in my head ( and there ofcourse many more but this one keeps making an appearance today more than anyone else) is - would all this have been easier to deal with if not for the sex
> 
> So what i am asking myself is , that if take sex out of the equation , which means that wife had a 1 month affair which meant those 2 spending lots of time together but nothing physical - would that be better.
> 
> Better for me and the situation in general?
> 
> For me, yes it would have been better , so if i have reconciliation problems or i 'cant get over it' , a large reason would be because they had sex , if they had not , maybe it would already be behind us.
> 
> But in the larger scheme of things - what would hold more weight , the sex or the affair , i am assuming that i am going to get many replies which are going to tell me that the 'emotional' aspect of it is far worse in the longer run as it can only be read as a fundamental problem in the relationship - that sex is possibly a consequence of this problem and not the problem itself ( which is my wifes decision to cheat)


The sooner you get all the "what-ifs" out of your head, the sooner you will be in a good place.

What I mean is, deal with the facts, not the "could've-beens", "should've-beens" and "maybes". Fact is; you have a wife who is perfectly capable of having sex with other men, she proved it to you, lied about it and then acted/act cool while she takes control of your reactions.

Don't let your mind spin off. Deal with the facts. What do you want given this situation? How want your life to look like? What are your wife willing to do/doing to show you that she will change from a cheating wife into a loyal spouse? These questions should be the ones in focus.


----------



## shattered32

cpacan said:


> The sooner you get all the "what-ifs" out of your head, the sooner you will be in a good place.
> 
> What I mean is, deal with the facts, not the "could've-beens", "should've-beens" and "maybes". Fact is; you have a wife who is perfectly capable of having sex with other men, she proved it to you, lied about it and then acted/act cool while she takes control of your reactions.
> 
> Don't let your mind spin off. Deal with the facts. What do you want given this situation? How want your life to look like? What are your wife willing to do/doing to show you that she will change from a cheating wife into a loyal spouse? These questions should be the ones in focus.


I guess what i am trying to ask is that is it ok for me to be so fixated on them having sex while deciding what i want to do with her.... or should i rather be concentrating more on the larger issues which she had....... supposedly ,but for now lets assume they exist.

If i walk out saying everything else is fine in my head and yes we have sorted out our distance but i cannot get over those 3 hours of sex and its for those 3 hours that i am leaving u ........... would that be logical - am i thinking more with my ego here? and if i am , is that correct to base a decision on?


----------



## cpacan

We're all different in how we look at the sex aspect. For some it's just a disguisting dealbreaker. For me, it was a huge thing in the beginning (first 6-9 months), now not so much - it's just like a bad porn movie I don't wanna watch again.

I tell you what is bothering me the most at this time (19 months past DD), it's the fact that she is capable of and willing to deceive me like that for selfish reasons. That one is hard to nail. Had it just been the sex, lets say we agreed she could have sex with another man on agreed upon terms, I probably would have felt bad at first, but I am quite confident that I would be perfectly OK today.


----------



## catcalls

hi shattered

hope you are feeling a lot stronger and less shattered.

*not any more , the tide is turning and i think it depends where in the country you are to really feel that , one of the major 2 cities , yes you will see the change , tier 2 town maybe not*

perhaps, but it has not changed so much. i still think her having a drunken ONS (as far as you know) is very uncommon. having an affair perhaps less so. 

*
Far from it , love marriage , met in college, dated for a little over 3 years before getting married*

so you had enough time to interact and get to know each other. obviously she was a good gf and never gave you any cause for concern.

*
Thats one of the questions in my head , that even if for one moment i say fine - she wants to make a genuine effort , yes she loves me - is that enough anymore for me ? Is it enough to keep me around , is it enough to not feel the 'affair' everyday and if this is going to keep 'draining' me all day then there is no point even if she is genuinely sorry and it was a genuine mistake , its unfortunately not about how she feels anymore or her convincing me , no matter what she says it might never be enough*

reading all that you have said here, i think she just got bored, wanted some excitement and attention. got that and found that she made a huge error and it brought her back to reality. but she does not seem to be very harsh on herself. her strategy is yeah, i ****ed up and you should be a bit annoyed for a while, then get over it.

before this event, if someone had asked you to describe your marriage and your wife, how would you do that. would you have said we are very devoted to each other and love each other to bits. the marriage is fantastic and rewarding. or would you be less gushing.

i am guessing you live in delhi, just my gut feeling


----------



## shattered32

cpacan said:


> We're all different in how we look at the sex aspect. For some it's just a disguisting dealbreaker. For me, it was a huge thing in the beginning (first 6-9 months), now not so much - it's just like a bad porn movie I don't wanna watch again.
> 
> I tell you what is bothering me the most at this time (19 months past DD), it's the fact that she is capable of and willing to deceive me like that for selfish reasons. That one is hard to nail. Had it just been the sex, lets say we agreed she could have sex with another man on agreed upon terms, I probably would have felt bad at first, but I am quite confident that I would be perfectly OK today.


*thanks , that was the perspective i was looking out for , not that it might apply to me , i am acutely , painfully , aware that it might not but thats what i wanted to understand - how others would think of it*


----------



## shattered32

catcalls said:


> hi shattered
> 
> hope you are feeling a lot stronger and less shattered.
> 
> * thanks for asking , well feeling a lot calmer definitely*
> 
> 
> 
> so you had enough time to interact and get to know each other. obviously she was a good gf and never gave you any cause for concern.
> 
> *oh yes , nothing about going around with her was a problem including the parents and like you said we spent a lot of time before marriage , in fact there was also another year while we were just engaged but not married*
> 
> 
> 
> reading all that you have said here, i think she just got bored, wanted some excitement and attention. got that and found that she made a huge error and it brought her back to reality. but she does not seem to be very harsh on herself. her strategy is yeah, i ****ed up and you should be a bit annoyed for a while, then get over it.
> 
> *like i have mentioned before , yes , her reaction was surprising , i expected a lot more physical emotional display - her answer was that since she had prepared herself for the worst thats why it did not happen - as of where it stands today, i do see more and more emotion coming out everyday , there were lots of tears flowing last night as well so maybe...*
> 
> 
> 
> before this event, if someone had asked you to describe your marriage and your wife, how would you do that. would you have said we are very devoted to each other and love each other to bits. the marriage is fantastic and rewarding. or would you be less gushing.
> 
> 
> *i would have said that. i would have said we are devoted and love each other to bits and the ground that the marriage stands on is strong and here to stay - i might have said but i wish we spent more time with each other , or had less stressful jobs - but that would not be a complaint against the marriage , i would have been complaining only because of how nice it is to spend time with each other*
> 
> 
> i am guessing you live in delhi, just my gut feeling


no comments. , i guess its fairly easy to guess its between Mumbai and Delhi but i am not going to clarify which.


----------



## shattered32

So lots of emotional drama in the evening , she got back home really early today and i was there as well.

So we spoke like we have been over the last week. at some point she said something about 'us' - in a nice manner and then the crying started - she started crying that is , not me ( i am over that) and it stopped about 1 hour later! - and during this crying there were many 'i dont want you to leave ' i am sorry' , 'i cant believe i did what i did' ' have not been fair to you at all' and then back to the 'i dont want you to leave'.................. and maybe it sounds bad on my part , but i have to say i enjoyed that 1 hour...............

.............Its the first time she has been so in my face emotional about the entire thing.

I have told her that i need to see her miserable , that if seeing her miserable helps me then thats what i need to see...... and because she deserves it. Whether i stay or not is a different matter... but miserable is what i need.

I have also i think managed to put the ball back in her court on the issues which brought up and supposedly led to this situation to begin with - i have said , i would have worked hard at those 2 months ago , right now i think by doing what she did , the responsibilities for that also lie largely with her.


----------



## Baffled01

warlock07 said:


> Sex definitely matters...more for men than women it seems.
> 
> I don't remember the statistics but I do remember reading that the likelihood of divorce is higher when a man finds out about his wife's affair..(as compared to wife finding out her H's affair).


Absolutely sex matters-- especially for men. It seems the mental images of another man lying with your wife are just too overwhelming for some men, myself included. And then to know he ejaculated inside her, with no condom, putting me at risk literally makes me sick.


----------



## aug

shattered32 said:


> So lots of emotional drama in the evening , she got back home really early today and i was there as well.
> 
> So we spoke like we have been over the last week. at some point she said something about 'us' - in a nice manner and then the crying started - she started crying that is , not me ( i am over that) and it stopped about 1 hour later! - and during this crying there were many 'i dont want you to leave ' i am sorry' , 'i cant believe i did what i did' ' have not been fair to you at all' and then back to the 'i dont want you to leave'.................. and maybe it sounds bad on my part , but i have to say i enjoyed that 1 hour...............
> 
> .............Its the first time she has been so in my face emotional about the entire thing.
> 
> I have told her that i need to see her miserable , that if seeing her miserable helps me then thats what i need to see...... and because she deserves it. Whether i stay or not is a different matter... but miserable is what i need.
> 
> I have also i think managed to put the ball back in her court on the issues which brought up and supposedly led to this situation to begin with - i have said , i would have worked hard at those 2 months ago , right now i think by doing what she did , the responsibilities for that also lie largely with her.



I wonder if her crying is less of remorse and more of the consequences of her action. That she's a divorced adulteress in your society may be a mark she's concerned about.

In reality, her crying does not mean much. Her actions, if she's truly remorseful, will take years to determine if they are genuine. It will be up to you to decide how long you want to stay with her.


----------



## walkingthepath

shattered32 I'm from the same culture but was born and raised in New York. question

Does your family ( Mom, Dad, bothers, sisters etc) know about her physical?

FYI, may be her Mother kept nagging her to show you some remorse so you can keep her. ( mothers will be like, you are getting old, no one will look into a divorced woman specially one who cheated on her husband, you will put yout family in shame, people will not speak to you etc......)
normally a woman who feels remorse and guilt will show that in the first day when confronted or admit physical to a spouse. 

also you need to think about the future, what would people say when they know what she has done. and how is that going to reflect on your kids in the future or once they get married, people will point at them as the once whos their mother cheated. 

people will know about what she did one way or another.


----------



## warlock07

shattered32 said:


> I guess what i am trying to ask is that is it ok for me to be so fixated on them having sex while deciding what i want to do with her.... or should i rather be concentrating more on the larger issues which she had....... supposedly ,but for now lets assume they exist.
> 
> If i walk out saying everything else is fine in my head and yes we have sorted out our distance but i cannot get over those 3 hours of sex and its for those 3 hours that i am leaving u ........... would that be logical - am i thinking more with my ego here? and if i am , is that correct to base a decision on?


Imagine someone asking you before you found out about her affair:

What is the worst thing your wife could do to you ? Infidelity should be in the top 5 of that list..Why is it ?

What happened in those 3 hrs and the month preceding that is absolutely critical..

And if she cheated on you 6 times for 30 minutes each, is that equal to what she did or is it much worse ? Why ?

Suppose you physically abuse her once every few months, is that OK ? Should she leave a long term marriage for a few hours of physical abuse ?
I can think of much more worse scenarios but I will leave it here.

One more question to think about would be Do you think you can get back to trusting her after this ? Do you see yourself living a happy married life with her. The marriage is damaged but do you think you can get to happy place in this marriage ?

And finally, do you have someone to talk about this in real life ? A close friend or someone ?


----------



## shattered32

Baffled01 said:


> It seems the mental images of another man lying with your wife are just too overwhelming for some men, myself included. And then to know he ejaculated inside her, with no condom, putting me at risk literally makes me sick.


*yep , they can be quite upsetting , i fortunately maybe , have the satisfaction in small way that he did not ejaculate inside her , thats what i am told anyway.*



aug said:


> I wonder if her crying is less of remorse and more of the consequences of her action. That she's a divorced adulteress in your society may be a mark she's concerned about.
> 
> In reality, her crying does not mean much. Her actions, if she's truly remorseful, will take years to determine if they are genuine. It will be up to you to decide how long you want to stay with her.



*i agree , my feeling happy about her crying right now is simply at a very basic level of wanting to know that she is miserable - whether its remorse or otherwise , atleast somethings there... *


----------



## shattered32

warlock07 said:


> .
> 
> One more question to think about would be Do you think you can get back to trusting her after this ? Do you see yourself living a happy married life with her. The marriage is damaged but do you think you can get to happy place in this marriage ?
> 
> And finally, do you have someone to talk about this in real life ? A close friend or someone ?


Do i trust her right now , no , is she trustworthy enough for me to believe she wont make the same mistake again... yes , will i end upholding the phrase " fool me once shame on you , fool me twice shame on me" , maybe , trust is something we have spoken about a lot over the last few days , she says she knows that she has betrayed it , what she is asking for is chance to rebuild it. 

Real life right now yes and no. I dont have someone for a sit down face to face conversation (since i have not told anyone) , friends i can speak to and am yes.


----------



## life101

I don't know if you have done it yet, but get her tested for STDs. I have just realized that my cheating STBXW might have given me one.


----------



## shattered32

Have not managed yet , we have discussed it and she has agreed , will drag her out over the weekend or something. i dont think she has anything , i am doing it more so that she can stand in a line and then ask to be tested for STD's and feel stupid about being there and why she is there.



life101 said:


> I don't know if you have done it yet, but get her tested for STDs. I have just realized that my cheating STBXW might have given me one.


----------



## warlock07

> yep , they can be quite upsetting , i fortunately maybe , have the satisfaction in small way that he did not ejaculate inside her , thats what i am told anyway.


 Would she tell you if they did?


----------



## shattered32

I think she would have , given the details i got her to tell me that night , her telling me this should not have been a problem and i was not making it sound like , that given everything else they did , this would be even worse ( it might have been if she said yes but when i was asking i did not attach any extra significance to it from the other questions i asked)



warlock07 said:


> Would she tell you if they did?


----------



## The Cro-Magnon

shattered32 said:


> I think she would have , given the details i got her to tell me that night , her telling me this should not have been a problem and i was not making it sound like , that given everything else they did , this would be even worse ( it might have been if she said yes but when i was asking i did not attach any extra significance to it from the other questions i asked)



LOL, Don't ever be so sure. I had one ex many years ago telling me I was schizophrenic, that I should seek psychiatric assistance, that my paranoid delusions of her cheating completely were insane and were grinding her down, but that she loved me so much that she was going to stand by me during my psychological traumas.

All the while I had ironclad proof of who, when, and where, she was fcuking. LOL. They will look you dead in the eyes and swear on their Mother's life that they are telling the truth, but you can bet money on it all being lies. In fact the only guarantee in these sad, tragic situations seems to be that the cheater will lie. And lie. And lie. And lie. And then squeeze out another lie on the top. Like a lasagna made of lies.


----------



## Malaise

shattered32 said:


> *yep , they can be quite upsetting , i fortunately maybe , have the satisfaction in small way that he did not ejaculate inside her , thats what i am told anyway.*
> 
> That's what you were told by a liar.
> 
> 
> *i agree , my feeling happy about her crying right now is simply at a very basic level of wanting to know that she is miserable - whether its remorse or otherwise , atleast somethings there... *


I get this. If it's real remorse. Again, cheaters lie and are often great actors.


----------



## shattered32

SpurnedLonelyHusband said:


> LOL, Don't ever be so sure.


Ofcourse , that could always be the case , but on this the benefit of the doubt goes to her given that conversation



Malaise said:


> I get this. If it's real remorse. .


Not sure i understand what you meant......


----------



## Malaise

shattered32 said:


> Ofcourse , that could always be the case , but on this the benefit of the doubt goes to her given that conversation
> 
> 
> 
> Not sure i understand what you meant......


Sorry

I understand how you my be feeling happy about her crying, her being miserable about the way she behaved. IF it's real.

We all want those who wrong us to feel our pain and to experience true remorse.

If she's genuine, good. Let her cry. Let her share your pain.

The question is...is it real? Or is she crying for herself and not for you?


----------



## shattered32

i wish i had a templated answer for your question i dont , the only way i will get to know , for good or bad , is to stick around long enough......




Malaise said:


> If she's genuine, good. Let her cry. Let her share your pain.
> 
> The question is...is it real? Or is she crying for herself and not for you?


----------



## shattered32

The other update from last evening was that after the emotional drama which took place and i posted about , it so happened that her folks came over , the idea was not to talk , they had come for something else but it ended up being another couple of hours of talking... less with me more with her

The start was not good with parents also upset , crying etc - i was in fact in another room entirely , a little into the conversation one of them came out very upset - and telling me that if i decide to go they are on my side , they will support me in moving on and that they dont want me 'led on' for no reason.

Conversation resumed again and i think after about 2 hours they came back and essentially said that while one can never take back what happened , that she it fault and it will never be justified , to please give her a chance , that she is remorseful and more than anything else really really wants me to not leave and she wants to work it out.

I was in the other room so i could not hear what they were speaking about , but it was very animated , screaming shouting , loud crying , back to screaming shouting again - i was sitting where i was with almost a sense of indifference

The crying continued even after they came out - i had very little to say , i think emotionally i am much more stable now and one is not going to see any outbursts anytime soon , or ever again.

I said a few things , matter of fact ; tonality to all 3 of them 

1. what she did is not justified , i dont ever want to hear even one word which would suggest otherwise

2. The problems lie with her , she needs to work at them , i am opening to being receptive but not proactive but more importantly i need to see efforts being made - really in my face efforts.... while some stuff might change slowly over the next few months , on other things - show me that you are sad and are trying.

3. She will leave her job if i ask for that , i expect a resignation the next day and once i do she needs to be out of office physically in a few days post that , no lingering notice periods


On an additional note , this is day 3 of no HB , currently still fine without it , as in , i am not more angry right now than 3 days back.


----------



## shattered32

So finally after 1 week and hours and hours of talking , last night , we did not speak at all on the subject - mainly because i did not want to , i was just tired after so many coversations over the week that i just wanted a break - i made by snide remarks as and where i got an opportunity but thats about it.... simply too tired to hash it again yesterday............. normal?

Her behavior overall appears to be 'more affectionate' towards me , random hugs and kisses , calls etc....


----------



## aug

You may be getting more detached? If so, realize that indifference is the opposite of love, not hate.


----------



## shattered32

Yes , i am very very very aware of that difference and i am hoping it is detachment . 



aug said:


> You may be getting more detached? If so, realize that indifference is the opposite of love, not hate.


----------



## shattered32

So the last 2 days have not seen too much talk happening , i am for one dont want to , i think i am just mentally exhausted and need to recover for a bit , the wife does sit down and ask me multiple times how i am , whats going through my head , whether i want to talk or not... other than some passing conversation i leave it that.

As far as the OM goes , i guess partly owing to the reactions which i got here , the thought of confrontation slowed down a bit , so while i will still pursue things such as HR etc , i dont feel like meeting him face to face , maybe this has something to do with the fact i am too exhausted to talk right now , let alone stir up something new as well.

On another note though , i keep going back to his FB profile and looking at his photos.... weird?


----------



## rrrbbbttt

You are in what I refer to as an Overload phase, you have heard so much and are so disgusted that you have become numb to it and it is having limited impact on you. Unfortunately, this will end and the anguish and the impact will return.

Understand that you will probably continue to hear more about the affair TT from her. 

I know that after talking to her parents she seems Remorseful but I continue to remember your first post, where she dealt with it matter of factly with you. Don't know if she truly realizes what she has done and understands the impact it will have on you and her if You decide to continue your life together.

Good Luck.


----------



## shattered32

Numbs also a good word to use to describe it , but whether it is indifference or numbness i honestly do not know.... between the two i would clearly prefer the former , suppose thats in some way a sign of me saying @#$% off to her....



rrrbbbttt said:


> You are in what I refer to as an Overload phase, you have heard so much and are so disgusted that you have become numb to it and it is having limited impact on you. Unfortunately, this will end and the anguish and the impact will return.
> 
> 
> 
> Good Luck.


----------



## Shaggy

Have you had her quit her job?


----------



## shattered32

I know i am going to get a yelling for saying this , and possibly rightly so , no i have not - shes waiting for my decision , i have not been able to decide yet.




Shaggy said:


> Have you had her quit her job?


----------



## Cdelta02

shattered32 said:


> I know i am going to get a yelling for saying this , and possibly rightly so , no i have not - shes waiting for my decision , i have not been able to decide yet.


What is holding you back? Are you financially despondent without her pay?


----------



## shattered32

Not in the least bit , not at all....... i dont know , maybe i am just afraid...




Cdelta02 said:


> What is holding you back? Are you financially despondent without her pay?


----------



## bfree

shattered32 said:


> Not in the least bit , not at all....... i dont know , maybe i am just *afraid*...


And THAT will cost you everything!


----------



## aug

There's no need for her to quit her job if you are leaning towards leaving her.


----------



## Kasler

bfree said:


> And THAT will cost you everything!


Yep, if you reconcile out of fear its going to fail.

Of that I have no doubt.


----------



## CH

Quoted from the movie Some Kind of Wonderful

It's better to be alone for the right reasons than with someone for the wrong reasons.


----------



## warlock07

shattered32 said:


> I know i am going to get a yelling for saying this , and possibly rightly so , no i have not - shes waiting for my decision , i have not been able to decide yet.


Maybe quitting her job will put on extra burden of Ring with her for sure since she will be dependent on you...

Why not have the OM quit the place he is working ?


----------



## Shaggy

Fear makes you vulnerable and unattractive at times like this. If you stay you need her to respect you, and if you leave you need your next partner to respect how you handled your last one.

Fear and indecision is hurting you and will hurt you down the road.

Remember generals who fight have a chance at winning the battle and war,generals who fear,retreat and run always loose.


----------



## Shaggy

Oh, and I think even your wife thinks you should tell her to quit.


----------



## shattered32

Kasler said:


> Yep, if you reconcile out of fear its going to fail.
> 
> Of that I have no doubt.


*And i can only promise i wont , if i do it will be for the right reasons*



CH said:


> Quoted from the movie Some Kind of Wonderful
> 
> It's better to be alone for the right reasons than with someone for the wrong reasons.


*Thats a lovely quote!*



warlock07 said:


> Maybe quitting her job will put on extra burden of Ring with her for sure since she will be dependent on you...
> 
> Why not have the OM quit the place he is working ?


*Easier for her to quit , as i have been mentioning stuff like this has a different perspective where i am from , its a big deal but people and those in command dont quite react in the manner in which one would hope for.*



Shaggy said:


> Oh, and I think even your wife thinks you should tell her to quit.


----------



## shattered32

So after 2 weeks of much emotion , talking and everything else i have been writing about , heres where i have finally landed up - i am going to give reconciliation a shot.

I might be going against the tide of advise here , but i think i need to , the last 2 days have seen such an emotional outpouring of remorse and love from her that i cannot help but think that i need to try and do this....... things are clearly going to be different between us moving forward , the marriage will be different , we as people are going to be different and i will have many demons to deal with in my head...

.... but call me foolish , i need to see where this goes , it would be easier , in the long run , to live with this decision than simply saying No right now , especially after what i have witnessed over the last 2 days. I have only been able to update a fraction of all the talks etc that we have had.............. if it does not work out after this , then atleast i will be sure.

Her job , the OM's job etc are all items which i will work on , simply because i am reconciling does not mean they get swept under the rug , this is not a guarantee that things will work out between us but my heads telling me to 'give her a chance'

I think , and believe to some degree , that she knows what she needs to do , the balance in 'making an effort' has clearly shifted , i informed her a little while back that the minute i feel that you see this as 'relief' rather than an opportunity , i am out.

Many many thanks to everyone here who has listened to my ranting over the last 14 days , the advise i have received , i will update everyone on a daily basis to let you all know how its going , and whatever happens with us , the one silver lining has been this site , the people on it .... and i dont plan on leaving that anytime soon.


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## rrrbbbttt

Good Luck, but do not feel that you making a decision stops you from getting support here.

There will be many times, Triggers, and her activities which may lead you to want to discuss it. 

This is what the site is for.


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## shattered32

Oh dont worry , i am going to continue to be on this site on a daily basis like i have been for the last few weeks , and i will seek out advise and maybe in some time i might be 'old' enough to give out some as well........... 

Thank you , from the bottom of my heart!!



rrrbbbttt said:


> Good Luck, but do not feel that you making a decision stops you from getting support here.
> 
> There will be many times, Triggers, and her activities which may lead you to want to discuss it.
> 
> This is what the site is for.


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## Shaggy

I think there is a chance you are going with R because it doesn't require you making a hard decision and changing things. It basically is just going along with the status quo.

I'm not trying to insult you, instead I want you to be honest with yourself. It appears that you are a conflict avoider. You will take the path of least conflict and pat yourself on the back for finding the "easy" path and choosing it.

The problem is that this may not be the path to happiness, and more often than not the path to rewards is the hard journey.


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## Malaise

Shaggy said:


> I think there is a chance you are going with R because it doesn't require you making a hard decision and changing things. It basically is just going along with the status quo.
> 
> I'm not trying to insult you, instead I want you to be honest with yourself. *It appears that you are a conflict avoider. You will take the path of least conflict and pat yourself on the back for finding the "easy" path and choosing it.*
> The problem is that this may not be the path to happiness, and more often than not the path to rewards is the hard journey.


This was so true in my case. I avoided conflict, went along to get along, and followed the path of least resistance.

Didn't help me any and in the long run, after years, proved to be the worst thing I could have done.

Better to have the conflict now than regret your inaction years later, when nothing can be done.


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## AlphaHalf

Your wife shouldn't have be waiting for your decision to quit her job, If its true reconciliation then she should have done it already ON HER OWN.


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## shattered32

I have read the comments above , and like i said i know i am going against the tide here , but there is something....... something , which is telling me that this is the right thing to do , or if not right , what i should do....

The last 2 days have been horrible , not for me but for my wife , she comes home crying , she goes to sleep crying and she wakes up crying ............... i see the remorse , i genuinely think i do , and at the end of the day i might still be making a wrong decision , but shes my best friend , and she needs to do a lot to remain that , but shes my best friends................ it just so happens that i am married to her , i hope this is making sense.......


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## warlock07

shattered32 said:


> I have read the comments above , and like i said i know i am going against the tide here , but there is something....... something , which is telling me that this is the right thing to do , or if not right , what i should do....
> 
> The last 2 days have been horrible , not for me but for my wife , she comes home crying , she goes to sleep crying and she wakes up crying ............... i see the remorse , i genuinely think i do , and at the end of the day i might still be making a wrong decision , but shes my best friend , and she needs to do a lot to remain that , but shes my best friends................ it just so happens that i am married to her , i hope this is making sense.......


I hope she is crying because how much she hurt *YOU *, not because how much *SHE *hurt you ..

Just be smart when you are investing atleast 30 -40 years of your life into her. She probably might be your best friend but you may not be hers, literally or metaphorically.. Take time making your choice


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## aug

shattered32 said:


> I have read the comments above , and like i said i know i am going against the tide here , but there is something....... something , which is telling me that this is the right thing to do , or if not right , what i should do....
> 
> The last 2 days have been horrible , not for me but for my wife , she comes home crying , she goes to sleep crying and she wakes up crying ............... i see the remorse , i genuinely think i do , and at the end of the day i might still be making a wrong decision , *but shes my best friend , and she needs to do a lot to remain that , but shes my best friends.*............... it just so happens that i am married to her , i hope this is making sense.......



You may want to reconsider what criteria you want in a best friend. I think a wife transcends best friend anytime.


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## jim123

shattered32 said:


> I have read the comments above , and like i said i know i am going against the tide here , but there is something....... something , which is telling me that this is the right thing to do , or if not right , what i should do....
> 
> The last 2 days have been horrible , not for me but for my wife , she comes home crying , she goes to sleep crying and she wakes up crying ............... i see the remorse , i genuinely think i do , and at the end of the day i might still be making a wrong decision , but shes my best friend , and she needs to do a lot to remain that , but shes my best friends................ it just so happens that i am married to her , i hope this is making sense.......


People when they have to and not because they want to. You can not make this easy. Keep in mind best and good wives do not do this.


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## shattered32

warlock07 said:


> Just be smart when you are investing atleast 30 -40 years of your life into her. She probably might be your best friend but you may not be hers, literally or metaphorically.. Take time making your choice


*I understand and i realize this is not a short gap arrangement , it needs to work for 30-40 years
*


aug said:


> You may want to reconsider what criteria you want in a best friend. I think a wife transcends best friend anytime.








jim123 said:


> People when they have to and not because they want to. You can not make this easy. Keep in mind best and good wives do not do this.


I am not going to make it easy if you mean that i am not going to remind her of what she did or not talk about it to not 'confront' her , i have already told her so much - if i want to talk 6 hours a night , for the next 6 months then thats what needs to happen , and she is either there for it or she is not and neither them am i.


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## theroad

I erred.


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## theroad

shattered32 said:


> Her job , the OM's job etc are all items which i will work on , simply because i am reconciling does not mean they get swept under the rug , this is not a guarantee that things will work out between us but my heads telling me to 'give her a chance'


There is nothing to work on. Put down the broom time for rug sweeping is over.

This affair needs to be exposed fully.

I assume that WW and OM are still working together is a full work exposure has not been done.

I have seen to many affairs restart because a work exposure was not done and the OM and WW were allowed to continue working together.

You must expose to the CEO, Board of Directors, Head of HR, asking them to report back to you with what action they are going to take.

Who have you exposed so far?


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## shattered32

The exposure currently is limited to the family , hers and mine both but thats it...




theroad said:


> There is nothing to work on. Put down the broom time for rug sweeping is over.
> 
> This affair needs to be exposed fully.
> 
> I assume that WW and OM are still working together is a full work exposure has not been done.
> 
> I have seen to many affairs restart because a work exposure was not done and the OM and WW were allowed to continue working together.
> 
> You must expose to the CEO, Board of Directors, Head of HR, asking them to report back to you with what action they are going to take.
> 
> Who have you exposed so far?


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## Kasler

^ You're setting yourself up. 

They can see and talk to each other EVERYDAY, you need to shut this down. 

What you're doing is akin to having a heroin addict walk pass his old dealer everyday to get to work.

A poster on by the name of Gabriel tried something similar to this. Had his wife and OM still emailing, but all the emails had to be innocuous, and he was reading them. Even then it frayed the marriage and he had to put an end to it. 

What you're allowing is 10 times worse!


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## John2012

I'll point to two important thread mainly from Indians:

Follow the lady what she did in below thread, you'll get some good results:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/56009-cheated-my-wife-how-gain-her-trust-india.html

Or else you'll be back in this forum asking: is there any natural justice like below thread:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/47087-what-hapens-cheaters-there-natural-revenge.html

And again, don't ignore experts comment here in your thread & forum. You'll thank them later.


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