# Going on a trip without my husband...



## dawnpayne (Jun 25, 2010)

I don't know what to do or say but my parents have paid full-ride for me to go to California for my brothers wedding. But my husband has to work and go to school so I would be going by myself.

Now, He has told me that he doesn't want me going because he feels like my parents are going to try sway my beliefs (which they have tried many times before we were married) and that I'm neglecting him and our baby by accepting their payment and going by myself. Which I would love for him and my baby to come but my parents couldn't afford two tickets because they were paying for part of the wedding and their own tickets and what not. 

The only reason I really want to go is support my brother and be apart of his big day. And I've told my husband that lots of times, but I just don't know what to do. I feel like I should just turn down the offer to go but then I feel like I'm dishonoring my family and basically giving them the middle finger if I don't go. But I know that that is the one thing my husband wants me to do. I really want my husbands needs before my families and mine but I just don't think its a big deal if its a wedding.


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## Willow (Jun 17, 2010)

How close are you to your brother? If he means the world to you, and you talk regularly, then you should make an effort to go. If you are not close and you are only going because of who he is rather than what he means to you, then decline graciously and do not go. Send a nice card and letter, an appropriate gift.

If you are close, however, I think you should go. You need to take action in 2 areas-
1. Reassurance. It is completely understandable if your parents have sought to turn you against your marriage in the past, that your husband is not happy with you spending time. You need to ensure he knows that you are not for turning! 
2. Minimise your time there. Even if its a ballbreaker of a trip, you go for one night max, if its a shorter hop you fly in and out same day and go to the ceremony only. If your parents throw a wobbly and withdraw their offer of funds then do not go. if you have to stay for longer because of the distances involved, then stay with friends / separately for most of the time and ensure your husband knows all of this. 

I know its not easy but try and keep the commuication with you husband open on all of this. The more you talk reasonably together, the greater chance you have of working through it.

Good luck!!


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## sage.xwifez (Jun 5, 2010)

Hi

Go, go, go go!! You sound as if you haven't been married that long so maybe having differing opinions to your husband is difficult for you. Empathize with him as he could be nervous about taking care of a baby on his own and make sure he will feel competent to take care of your baby. Maybe you could get a friend or his family to help support him.

I would acknowledge his feelings and concerns and tell him that you are sorry that he doesn't want you to go but it is just something you have to do. 

Sometimes in a healthy relationship your partner has to accept your judgment even if they may not like it. I think this is a good experience for you to be having and it should give you both confidence that it is OK not to agree on everything - you can disagree and still love each other.

I also think from what you have said about your relationship with your parents that if you don't go the rift between your husband and your family will deepen. They will see him as controlling and have even more concerns about your beliefs.

Hope that was some help.

Good luck


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## dawnpayne (Jun 25, 2010)

Well, me and my brother used to be really close and talked about everything but its only been in the last 3 years that we haven't talked that much, just because we don't live close anymore and we're both leading separate lives now. I mean, we aren't on a bad note or anything just different now. But he did mention that he would really like for me to be there. 

The other thing is they've already paid for my way and booked my flight but if I decline I can use the ticket for up to a year anywhere with no extra charge. I'm just not looking forward to the response I would get if I decline but I would definitely want my husband to be more at peace and ease then having this on my mind if I decided to go or worrying that he couldn't trust me to say no when I needed too. 
But I do agree that if I tell him this is just something I need to do that he will eventually see my point...maybe. But I also agree that if I didn't go their relationship wouldn't get better. Esp with my family.


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## Willow (Jun 17, 2010)

Might be helpful to establish a contact schedule in advance.. it seems alot less scary a prospect when you know someone is going to call home at certain times. (Although you need to make sure you follow through on it).
Discuss with him the worst case scenario, that they do make you wobble, spin your head a bit. Plan what you will do in the unlikely event that it happens (call him, discreetly leave, whatever you think).
And make it very clear that your choice was, is and always will be to be with him. Reassurance will definitely help him here.
Oh and don't forget to enjoy the wedding!


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Basically telling your husband that what you want to do for yourself is more important than him and your daughter is putting yourself on shaky ground. But this can certainly be finessed if you compensate in other ways. I'll let you work those out, but I have to say, don't walk out the door with the house a wreck, no clean laundry, no clean dishes, no food in the fridge, everything left undone. He's not going to feel good about that.

When my wife decides she's going to do something for herself, she gets so obsessed with herself that she forgets to help out with anything around the house. So when she leaves, I'm stuck with the kids and a house that doesn't work and a million things to do with no one to help me the way I help her. No too fun. This is one of the things that destabilizes our marriage.


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## dawnpayne (Jun 25, 2010)

Well, if it was any other trip I wouldn't go but since its my brothers wedding (once in a lifetime event) I figured it would be alright. I understand about leaving the house in order. Because I was planning on that anyway. 

And I wanted them to go but my parents can only afford one ticket. I was going to bring my daughter but I thought she would be more at ease at home in her own bed and in a familiar place. And my husbands parents are gladly taking care of her half the time so he's not the only one with her. 

I do appreciate a guy/husbands point of view though and I'm thinking things through. I just want it to be ok for everyone. Which I'm sure someone will be unhappy. I just don't want this to cause a rut in me and my husbands marriage. I want to do what's best.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

It's your brother's wedding! Did he go to yours?

It's very simple. You need to go. Your husband will get a valuable lesson in trust and in caring for your kid while you are away.

Even better would for him to make the effort to go and pay for the flight for himself and your child.

Go to this wedding. Your family is important. Keep the connection. It is worth it.


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## FOM (Jun 23, 2010)

I think you need to elaborate about how your parents have tried to sway your beliefs. If this means they attempt to turn you against your husband in some way, then you definitely shouldn't go. Otherwise I would think some sort of compromise can be reached so you can go to the wedding. Your baby can ride in your lap on the plane for no charge.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

It doesn't matter if you and your brother are close or not. He is your brother, so go to his wedding.

It doesn't matter if the house is **** & span. Your husband's parents should have taught him to maintain himself and manage his environment. I don't care how long you have been married but it is long enough for him to know where the bathroom tissue is stored and the baby is old enough for him to be able to care for him/her. Nothing makes you responsible for his incompetence if he is incompetent. He and baby both will be fine.

It doesn't matter in what way your parents tried to sway you before or what they might say during this trip. They couldn't stop you from marrying the man you loved, and they cannot make you divorce him.

As far as your husband, he is trying to guilt you into not going. So far it is working or you wouldn't be so concerned and posting her about it. Tell him you understand his concern but he has no worries. You cannot stay away from your family just because he wants you to for whatever reason. 

Stop worrying and go have fun. Your brother deserves your support.


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## dawnpayne (Jun 25, 2010)

My parents tried just about everything to make me leave him before we got married but obviously I chose to anyway but ever since we've been married they've never tried. They believe that divorce is never an option so I know they would never try to make that happen. I think thats why they tried so hard before we got married. Not that them trying to divorce us would actually happen. But they've never apologized or tried to make amends with him or me though and thats one of the things he's most upset about. It's just kinda "water under the bridge" to them. I totally understand where my husband is coming from and I really would rather stay but like I said I'm going for my brother's sake not my parents. 
I've shared my thoughts and feelings with him for a while now and so has he I just don't seem to know how to show him how much I love him. Either that or he's just not seeing it because he's upset. Maybe I'll just give him some time...


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## FOM (Jun 23, 2010)

dawn, I agree it's pretty important for you to go to your brother's wedding, but I can also see why your husband is upset. Have you ever told them they should offer your husband an olive branch (figurative) and apologize? The resentment level won't subside until they do something.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Just go and enjoy yourself. Let your husband know that you understand where he is coming from on the "worry," but YOU have never given him cause to doubt your commitment to him and you believe going to a brother's wedding is an important family obligation. Also let him know that that it is not appropriate to suggest you are "abandoning" him and the baby in any way-you are going on a trip without them for a time, they will be fine, and you will be back. There is nothing ressembling abandonment in this scenario and he is not "fighting fair" to suggest it. And you need to believe that, too, b/c this is really manipulative of him. 

Have fun, relax, and do not feel that you owe him anything for the time away--supporting each other in all things is the better way for a marriage to work than for you to have to be "grateful" because he "allowed" you to take a trip like this. Recognzing his extra effort in a modest way is one thing, acting like he is some type of superhero because, "OMG!! HE TOOK CARE OF THE HOUSE AND BABY ON HIS OWN FOR A FEW DAYS" is just feeding into his manipulative point of view that somehow this is always and forever your ONLY job in life and it some HUGE inconvenience and "abandonment" for you to have gone. Good luck; let us know how it goes!


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Was your husband even invited? If he wasn't invited you absolutely must not attend.

Personally I think the one ticket thing is insenstive and purposely designed to cause conflict in your marriage. It's one thing to send you guys a check for "money towards tickets", but quite another to book a single ticket and pay for it. The message is pretty clear that they don't want him at the wedding.

I would most certainly feel purposely insulted by your parents if I was your husband. Specially if there was known bad blood between us. Your parents still hate him.


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## Mom (Jun 9, 2010)

He sounds like my husband. It's your brother. Go. Have fun. My husband has stopped me from having any life for the last 12 years. Don't let this start now or it will be a forever thing.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Hi Dawnpayne,
On the one hand I have a lot of empathy with your husband. My wife’s mother bad mouthed me for a very long time, her brother even said it went on for the past 25 years. On the other hand I can’t remember once trying to persuade my wife not to see her family, it’s something I put up with and in the end I totally withdrew from them.

Was there any discussion between you and your family before you got the ticket or did you just get the ticket? If you just hot the ticket It sounds to me that it is a deliberate act to buy one ticket and therefore exclude your husband. If that is the case I most certainly would not go and I’d let my brother and his future wife know the reason why.

How about asking your parents to write a letter to your husband? You could write the letter for them as you probably know the words your husband needs to hear to clear things up and go forward in a good way. If you do that but your parents refuse to send such a letter then you’ll know the depths of their feelings not only about your husband but about you as well. 

Bob


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## dawnpayne (Jun 25, 2010)

Thanks everyone for the comments.

Now, the question about if he was invited? He was invited. They always ask when we have a family get together if he can come. Now they aren't necessarily down about him not being there but they have always tried to include him in all our family events. My dad has said that he wants to take my husband out for coffee and talk things over but its been 6 months and my dad hasn't asked him yet. They did pay for both of our way to New York last year for my cousins wedding. They just couldn't do both this time because my dad didn't get a big bonus this year like he did last year and they're paying for part of the wedding this year so they were pretty low on money. Or at least that's what they say. 

My husband did tell me he didn't want me to go but that he wouldn't stop me if I went or force me to stay. But he's mad that I even decided to go when he said beforehand he didn't want me too. He feels I put my family before him and my daughter...


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

dawnpayne said:


> Now, the question about if he was invited? He was invited. They always ask when we have a family get together if he can come. Now they aren't necessarily down about him not being there but they have always tried to include him in all our family events.


Ok so it sounds like they are at least trying then.




dawnpayne said:


> My dad has said that he wants to take my husband out for coffee and talk things over but its been 6 months and my dad hasn't asked him yet.


I'm not sure your husband wants a talk. Just an apology for everything that happened before you guys got married.




dawnpayne said:


> They did pay for both of our way to New York last year for my cousins wedding. They just couldn't do both this time because my dad didn't get a big bonus this year like he did last year and they're paying for part of the wedding this year so they were pretty low on money. Or at least that's what they say.


In the overall context that sounds a reasonable explanation.




dawnpayne said:


> My husband did tell me he didn't want me to go but that he wouldn't stop me if I went or force me to stay. But he's mad that I even decided to go when he said beforehand he didn't want me too. He feels I put my family before him and my daughter...


I don't think you are putting your family ahead of your husband. But he clearly thinks you are, and things that are perceived to be real, are real in their consequences.

In the end I think this entire thing of whether you should go to your brothers wedding is simply a symptom of the greater problem... the depth of anger your husband feels for your parents from their behavior prior to your own marriage. If you do not work on that problem and make some headway on it and just go to the wedding, things will take a step backwards between you and your husband. He will view it as a betrayal.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

dawnpayne said:


> But he's mad that I even decided to go when he said beforehand he didn't want me too.


There are a lot of situations where you shouldn't do something simply because your husband asks you not to. This is not one of those situations. 



dawnpayne said:


> He feels I put my family before him and my daughter.


That's what I was talking about when I said he is trying to guilt you into not going, and still I see it is working. It is just silly of him to say. You have to see that. He is trying to say you will never be allowed out of their presence and if you do, then you are abandoning them or placing legitimate purpose above them. It's just ridiculous! People have to leave their families all the time. Do you know there are hundreds of thousands of troops - men and women - in the Middle East and other military stations around the world? Did they all take their families with them? People - men and women - take business trips umpteen times a year without spouse and children tagging along. People - men and women - take personal holidays. Sometimes the couple together w/o the kids and sometimes the couple separately. People - men and women - visit their parents, siblings, friends, other relatives in other states and other countries w/o spouse and kids. Do I really have try to contrive every possible scenario where a person leaves their spouse and children for a few days/weeks/months? Surely you are not falling for this guilt trip?

I didn't say anything about it before because I have no idea what your parents ever said about your husband. I just know that usually the parents are right and are only looking out for their daughter's best interest. But again, I don't know what your parents said. Look at it this way though: Concerning something like this situation, had your mother said your husband is inconsiderate and controlling, she would have been right. But you and your husband would resent her saying it.

Put a stop to him trying to control you right now or as someone already said, he will do it forever. Stand up for yourself. It doesn't mean you love your husband any less. It doesn't mean you are not respectful of his wishes. It simply means you will not stand for any of his ridiculous requests and attempts to control you. When he makes a sensible request, then you are to pay due respect. But this is too childish to still be an issue.


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