# Unexpected evening/night...



## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

My wife, daughter and little granddaughter have been out of town visiting (showing off the baby), for the last week or so…

Saturday night, wife and I stayed up late chatting online, our first real discussion on working out the issues in over 2 months…Sunday I emailed her thanking her for taking the time to talk to me and with me...I invited her to go for a walk the following weekend..I didn't hear from her and feared our chat session wasn’t effective…there wasn’t any progress…

Fast forward to last evening…my cell phone rings and it’s my wife…they had to leave relative’s place a day early due to illness (MiL came down with the flu and they didn’t want my grandbaby to catch it)…so, they were headed back to KC and wanted to stop by and pick some things up…okay, works for me…so, I stay up later than normal…got to feed my grandbaby for the first time, saw her with her eyes wide open for my first time (she likes to sleep in grandpa’s arms)…and, my wife chose to stay and spend the night with me.

We cuddled, I could hear my heart pounding just from being with her again, from how unexpected this was…we tried to both sleep, but that wasn’t going to happen, so we made slow, passionate love (YES!!!)…and then cuddled some more…I didn’t sleep much, but sleep I can catch up on, time wasted sleeping while being with her right now, will always be lost!

I still don’t know if our chat Saturday did anything good…last night was just about being together again, it may never happen again, I hold no promises that we will move forward, or when if we do…I just know, last night she and I both felt loved again…and that can be nothing but good!

So I spent today tired, a good tired…a type of tired I can deal with and something I haven’t felt in a long time… 

Today, again, I have had Fleetwood Mac’s “Landside” constantly playing on the 8-track player in my mind..

Well, I've been afraid of changin'

'Cause I've built my life around you

But time makes bolder, children get older

I'm getting older too, well, I'm getting older too

finally, also today I received an email from her thanking me for the wonderful evening...saying what a great grandpa I am...maybe the ice is melting some!
Dan


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

That sounds so cute and great. I think she is on her way back - I don't think she would have wanted to spend the night with you if she not love and want to be with you. Best of luck!!


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

This is very positive! I'll keep my fingers crossed with you. I agree with Catherine.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

from what I understand of women (and that is very little) sex is the things that is going to happen last, I would say the ice is melting, but hey, what would I know !!!


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

Ah that's great. Am very happy for you Dan! May things keep looking up!


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

well, when I got home from work tonight, she was still here...we talked a bit, nothing serious, but counseling was brought up again...she said that she wanted to spend more time out her with our son and me...I told her this was still her home, nothing has changed...

I told her that finacially, I was strapped...living from paycheck to paycheck...sometimes with less than $50 left for a week before the next paycheck...I think that caught her off guard...(we've lived a pretty good life and I'm trying to hang on to the house we built 14 years ago out in the country...)...

I think we have taken a step forward in a long journey to healing...the next step may not happen tomorrow or next week...but at least we moved forward!!!


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

wow. this is really good to read. 

I don't know your whole story, but get in MC if you can.

Once things snap in place, everything gets good quickly.


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Fingers crossed and prayers a coming man!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

OMG DjF...i needed some good news in our little amazing group...so much pain lately...i lived through your post...sounded so amazing i cried...i still am.
God bless her heart for giving you so much peace ,even if it's for 2 days...
Fingers crossed for you


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## jmfabulous (Jan 19, 2011)

Happy Dance!!! Good for you


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## denise1218 (Dec 24, 2010)

wow...that is so awesome to hear!! I agree with vivea....I feel like I know some of you and can feel the pain each one of us are experiencing. Take it one day at a time....dont think about yesterday....dont think about tomorrow.....think only of today!!! Lucky you!!!!


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

I think I scored some more points tonight...during the basketball game she said that she wanted to spend the night at our home again, but had to go back to the apartment to help with the grandbaby...but then said she would be back out in the morning so she could take the boy to a meeting before school (I have an eraly meeting at school)...I said it's stupid for you to be up half the night with the baby and then get up early to pick up our son...why don't I take you home, drive your car back and then the boy could drive my truck to school and I'll take your car to my work...you can sleep in and I'll stop by after school and pick you up...(Kinda wordy, but it meant she gets to sleep in which she loves!!!)


so's I dropped her off at her apartment, she gave me a few nice kisses and it was getting heavy...and suddenly she jumped out of the car saying goodbye...I think I'm getting her confused!!! I think I'm winning her heart but her mind is lagging behind...

maybe it's time I hit her up with flowers and then go back into stealth mode....hmmmmm....


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

DjF said:


> maybe it's time I hit her up with flowers and then go back into stealth mode....hmmmmm....


My advice no flowers, yet. Maybe others will weigh in on this. I think you should play it cool, do exactly what you are doing, don't over do like you owe her for re-establishing a connection.

You welcome it but you are giving as much as she is to getting things back on track. It is a nice gesture but i think if you get her flowers at this point it may be too overwhelming and too egger.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Or I would ask her. Something like "things have been good, what do I do to keep things good".

Leave it at that.


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## less_disgruntled (Oct 16, 2010)

Catherine602 said:


> My advice no flowers, yet. Maybe others will weigh in on this. I think you should play it cool, do exactly what you are doing, don't over do like you owe her for re-establishing a connection.
> 
> You welcome it but you are giving as much as she is to getting things back on track. It is a nice gesture but i think if you get her flowers at this point it may be too overwhelming and too egger.



No need to get bonkers with "play it cool" stuff but why mess with something that's working? Don't fiddle with what you're doing. Go plant rosebushes or bolted broccoli or something instead.


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

okay, no flowers at this time...too early to plant stuff outside...but everyyear for Mother's Day I plant flower beds for her...I'll start making plans to go forward with that!

I'll build a planters box that can go on her balconey and we can plant something together in that!


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

I agree no flowers yet...
Awesome DjF i'm so excited for you...


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Wow..that's really nice to hear. :smthumbup:

I do want to clarify something. You've said before that you lost your wife due to your addiction to beer. Are you an alcoholic? If so, I take it you you are in treatment and are sober now? :scratchhead: What prompted you to get sober? Was it before or after your wife left? 

It's interesting that I seem to be occupying your wife's shoes in that I'm the one with the alcoholic spouse. However, the difference is you are taking responsibility for your actions and rectifying it. That's a BIG and important difference that I hope your wife is taking notice of and appreciating. 

Last night my husband asked me if I still wanted to be married to him. I said "Yes" but the unspoken part is always "but nothing will change until you get sober". It won't...it can't. Until he takes the important step of getting sober and STAYING sober we have no future, no matter if we stay married or not. 

I was surprised that he even asked. He admitted that sometimes he has nightmares that we aren't married anymore. Strange thing is, he doesn't act like he's scared of that. He seems to be doing everything he can to push me away. I chalk it up to his alcoholism and until he deals with that, nothing will improve. 

I'd love to experience with my husband what you had with your wife last night. It sounded so tender and promising but I'm hoping that you will stay sober and not let her or yourself down in the end. I know how painful that is. Maybe that's what she's afraid of? Maybe she's afraid that you will start drinking again and all that was gained will be lost. It happened to me already and it's awful. 

As far as buying her flowers and such. I know I'd LOVE to get flowers from my husband! I say go for it, unless you feel that she's be put off or pressurized. Depends on the situation. I really do wish you and your wife the best of luck. It would be wonderful for you and your family if you could get back together and be whole.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

That's all good news, Dan. It sounds like you are doing the right things and you and the wife are both looking for reconciliation.
I can tell you what worked wonders for me;
I started dating my wife again. The spark is back, the desire is back, and best of all, the heartache of being separated is back.
Keep up the good work and congratulations!


The other Dan...


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

I admitted to myself last summer that i was an alocoholic and cut way back, worked toward a better relationship with my wife then...but, cutting way back wasn't enough, and it was too late for my wife by then, she was closed to me by then...I tried to hold her, but she felt so empty to me...I should have known a hammer was coming...

She told me she was moving in October, and I went cold turkey then...clean and sober for almost 3 months...since then when she has ignored my improvements, I have fallen at times, it's been a struggle...I've done it all on my own so far just trying to win my wife back, but I know I'll need support eventually...just really don't have the freedom to get it right now because my son and I share one car...I work during the day, he needs it at night...I come here for my support and it has been amazing!!!

I'm stronger, a better person than I was 6 months ago, and no matter what happens, I'll move forward...and maybe, thats what has finally turned my wife...I feel like I've won her heart back, now I just need to convince her mind...but she knows I'm moving forward and she is the one spinning her wheels, she is the one that said she needed counseling and has yet to get it...

I'm moving forward and she has to catch up! (I'll let her...I'm think I'm worth catching and she gives great hugs!!!)


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

DanF said:


> That's all good news, Dan. It sounds like you are doing the right things and you and the wife are both looking for reconciliation.
> I can tell you what worked wonders for me;
> I started dating my wife again. The spark is back, the desire is back, and best of all, the heartache of being separated is back.
> Keep up the good work and congratulations!
> ...


still freaks me out when I see you post...I gets confused as I go by that name on other forums...

Dates are going to happen, I'm sure of that...even if we get back together, we are going out on dates...we've spent way to much time being parents and not enough being husband and wife, being lovers...


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

I think dates are a good idea. When my husband and I first separated I thought that we could "date" and rebuild. But his condition prevents that from happening. The alcohol is literally sucking the life out of him. It's very frustrating. 

I'm impressed that you've managed to stay sober and on your own! :smthumbup: Unfortunately my husband is beyond that. He is physically addicted to the point where he gets sick and shakes without his "fix". He's just like a heroin addict. He was told that he could go into seizures if he just went cold turkey. The same thing happened last summer. He had to be hospitalized for over a week to be detoxed. Unfortuately he never got the counseling he needed afterwards and slipped back and there he remains to this day. 

Plus, it's not beer that my husband is addicted to, it's rum. He mixes it with soda or juice and he smokes too. It's pretty bad. I wonder how long his body can take this abuse. 

Plus, my husband doesn't WANT to change. He doesn't feel he's lost anything. I have to admit, that up to this point I have enabled him by pretty much going along with anything he wants. I've been rethinking this..a lot. I'm going to have to make some concrete changes within myself, if only to help myself move on. Perhaps it will have the added effect of waking him up. One can only hope.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

DjF said:


> still freaks me out when I see you post...I gets confused as I go by that name on other forums...
> 
> Dates are going to happen, I'm sure of that...even if we get back together, we are going out on dates...we've spent way to much time being parents and not enough being husband and wife, being lovers...


I know. We were parents and not lovers for far too long.
Do your best to keep the booze in check. I understand, I am a heavy drinker as well. I like my Crown, but I love my wife and have been able to strike a balance.
Keep "wooing" her and also surprise her once in a while.


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

Freak, look into Ala-Non...if you haven't already...

I never get really drunk, never got abusive...just abusive in that I neglected my wife and kids...probably my way of dealing with the issues with my wife...

I have an problems with insomnia too...I just can't sleep, if a mouse sneezes I'm wide awake and can't get back to sleep...drinking helped me with that, I'd get sleep, but never any rest...

I've always wanted to change, but when my wife moved out, I weighed my options and knew I wanted her back more than I wanted my beer...

Liquor makes me crazy...I go on real binges if I drink that...memory loses...angry...I learned way back, long ago to stay away from that...

I'm learning, a work in progress...and I know that is why I have to prove myself...I've been drinking for so long, not drinking for a few months isn't going to prove to my wife anything...

but I've proven to myself I can win this...and I like me better because of it!


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

I went to one Al anon meeting and wasn't impressed but I plan to try another group. I wouldn't mind getting some support, insight and ways to cope with this situation. I'm not too crazy about the religious aspect of AA/Al-anon though. I'm just not a religious person. Never have been. The first group I went to reminded me of a Bible study group. 

My husband was never a big drinker. In fact, I was the one who drank more but I never got hooked. I can drink like a fish one day and then walk away for weeks. Same with smoking. My husband has turned into a real chain smoker too..One after another after another. 

Unfortunately, alcoholism does run in my husband's family. His great grandmother died in a crash while driving drunk. His brother is an alcoholic too and is worse. He just got arrested for DUI last November and it wasn't the first time. He's been in and out of treatment for years. I really do think there's a physical component to all this. It seems that some people are just more prone to substance abuse than others. I have other problems but that's not one of them, thank goodness. 

My husband started drinking to self medicate. He was feeling stressed, lack of sleep and the drinking helped..so on and on it went. He doesn't go on binges..He's just constantly got a drink in his hand. He should just get an IV hook up because the result is the same and he wouldn't have to get up from his chair and pour himself a drink. 

He's not violent or physically abusive. He doesn't yell. He's quite calm and rational. He's like the dog under the porch..Don't poke him with a stick and bother him and he's fine. But unfortunately I seem to have this problem with finding a stick and poking him...

I'm trying to accept and deal. Slowly but surely I've been trying hard to make the necessary adjustments. If only to keep my own sanity. Plus, I have to be there for my kids. At least I have a great relationship with them. 

I'm really impressed that you were able to have the self control and motivation to stop on your own. My husband couldn't do that even if he wanted because he really is physically addicted. When he was in the hospital last summer they were very careful to monitor him because he could've had seizures if he'd just stopped. I don't think he's able to and he doesn't want to. He himself admits that he likes drinking. It's only when he figures out that he has more to lose than to gain from drinking that things will change. I don't see that happening anytime soon.

What's weird is that this all happened so quickly. My husband didn't drink for years. This time last year my husband was just fine. I could see that he was under stress though. I wish I'd seen it and been more compassionate sooner. I can pinpoint the drinking starting around June. By August he was in rehab and he was back drinking at the end of October. Now he's making up for lost time though. 

I think your wife is scared. I know I am. My husband got sober once and went back as soon as there was the slightest stress. Maybe she's afraid of the same thing. She's safe where she is now. If she allows herself to get close to you again (physically and emotionally) it's like ripping off the scar and bleeding all over again. 

Believe me, I can relate to that mentality.


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

Alcoholism runs in my family, both sides...when I admitted to my folks that I was an alcoholic, my mom told me that many in her family had stopped drinking n a dime without any help...so I got that going for me...

I know that getting support for my drinking will be a huge plus in getting my wife back, and the church she has been going to has a substance abuse program...I plan on going to that but haven't been able to because it is on the same night my son has another program he goes to and the car can't be at 2 places at once...

this thread is the most opennly I've ever talked about my problem...in a sense, my drinking is a combiation between yours and your husband...I can ge a few months without it, but go on a 2 week binge...then qut for awhile, repeat process...but the last few years, I've been more like your husband but never to that extent...

I know I've won my wife's heart back, I can feel it when I hold her, she tells me she loves me almost everytime she sees me now (I really haven't heard her sa that for the past eight...nine months...

I just know I'm really going to have to step up my efforts to win her head, convince her my changes are for real!


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Dan ...she just needs to see that you're really committed to quit drinking...you have to find a way to show her you are...you have to find a way to go to the meetings somehow...it seems she's really scared to fully come back to you until she's proven that this is it....that she is worth more to you than the alcohol...
If you don't take action to prove her something now...she will probably stay away for longer until she sees that you're committed...


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

Vivea, I completely agree, but when my wife moved out, she (until recently) abandoned our son...I think she resented that he stayed with me...so, I've worked hard at keeping things as normal as possible for him, including his normal Wednesday night obligations...that all ends this week and hopefully 2 weeks from now, I can start those meetings...

for the most part, I've been clean since October...I stumbled after Christmas when she started playing this yo-yo game with me, pulling me in close, then push away...this game went on for about a month and it drove me crazy, I'd get my hopes up, then they would get dashed...starting drinking again...finally, I told her all or nothing and for the past few months, it as been nothing and I stopped drinking again...

Now,, she is coming back and it seems like it may be for real this time, and going to the support group would help anymore...

Actually, and she has said this many times and she is 100% corect, I need to stop for myself first...eventually the alcohol would have taken over...


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

:iagree: Vivea is right about this. Definitely get into the support group once your son's obligations are over. 

Going to her church and engaging in a substance abuse program would be a BIG plus!! It would show her that you are really working on your addiction. Yes, you might have it licked but she'd be able to point and say to herself "See, he's going to the program". It shows concreteness and commitment on your part. 

Remember, perception is reality. If she perceives that you are working hard and sees it then the reality of it will hit home to her. Then she can start responding even more to you in a positive way. 

I don't know if you are quite like my husband. Do you still work? Did you work while you were drinking?  

There's no binging with my husband or stopping. The alcohol has completely taken him over and he readily admits that. He doesn't go on a rampage and drink. He doesn't even go to a bar. He doesn't even drink inside. He does all his drinking quietly on his porch, and chain smokes cigarettes as well. If it wasn't for the fact that it's the dead of winter and below freezing you'd just think he's just a guy who likes lounging around on the porch. The fact that he does it in the middle of the night in 7 degree weather does strike most people as odd, despite what he thinks. 

Point is, my husband NEVER stops unless he's sleeping and then it starts all over again. It's constant, day and night. He can't stop. He's like a heroin addict and needs the fix. It's a real tragedy to see because this was once a guy who really loved life. Now the life has literally been sucked out of him. Hard to see in someone you love. 

I hope that you were never and never get to that point. You realize you have something to live for, something to strive for..Your marriage, your family and that life is worth living. I applaud you for that! :smthumbup:


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

Freak...I've had the same job, teaching for over 20 years and am approaching retirement in a few years...I've never let drinking affect my job...never missed a day because I binged the night before...

I turn 50 this June and my goal is have my wife to move back home on my birthday as my present...


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

DjF said:


> Freak...I've had the same job, teaching for over 20 years and am approaching retirement in a few years...I've never let drinking affect my job...never missed a day because I binged the night before...
> 
> I turn 50 this June and my goal is have my wife to move back home on my birthday as my present...


You are the same age as my husband. It's nice some people reach the half century milestone and don't use it as an excuse to destroy themselves. 

My husband stopped working. Period. We had a thriving business and he just blew it off. At first it was sporadic and I tried to patch things together, called his customers, filled in, etc. He'd tell me he was going to work and I'd come home and there he'd be..sitting on the porch drinking. At first I'd go ballistic and be screaming and pleading. That was pretty much my whole summer in Round 1. Come autumn came Round 2, which was shorter in duration. Eventually I just gave up trying to persuade him to go back to work and he just stopped and said "no more.". It pretty much destroyed half our business.

So I picked up a lot of his clientele and pieced it back together so I'm working full time now...A lot harder than I have in years, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. It's helped me deal with things in a lot of ways. Helped me take control and feel better about the situation. 

As for my husband, he went to live with his father, presumably to be his caretaker because his father broke his hip and needed full time care. His father gave him money and then one night he fell asleep and never woke up so I assume that now my husband is in good shape financially.

I often think about how much better off we'd be if we were still living together and both working and we could've taken his inheritance money and put it away in savings, for retirement, maybe take it easy and enjoy life together? I try not to think about it much. 

If it wasn't for his father dying and leaving him money and a house I don't know where he'd be. Maybe he would've gone to rehab and cared enough to try and work on himself and our marriage? Maybe he would've kept working? :scratchhead: I often wonder. Now there's absolutely no incentive to do so. It is what it is so I try not to obsess over it. 

There are some very good points about his having the house. He plans to keep it, which is a good idea for a number of reasons. Right now he's living there and it's very handy. We keep a lot of our mutual belongings there too. Being in an apartment is space-restrictive so having the house is a real plus. 

He talks about going back to work but not working with me, but starting his OWN business and competing _against_ me, which is like plunging a knife into me and twisting. Makes my blood pressure rise just thinking of it! 

I hope your wife accepts the present. Things seem to be looking up for you! It's good to see! :smthumbup:


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

not sure about laws and such, but if he received an inheritance while still married to you, wouldn't you be entitled to a share of that?


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Freak...so sorry for what you're going through...it's tough...that is one hard situation...you seem so strong though ,you're doing great it seems.
My grandfather was an alcoholic...till the day he died...it was hard to watch ...he would sit on the table in the living room all day and just drink wine and beer...until he goes to bed and than all over ... He was a fun guy though ,he loved me and interacted with me while drunk but he was gentle and fun and i didn't see a problem in him when i was a child...i do remember that he would argue with grandma a lot and she was constantly living on eggshells...poor lady never left him..she believed in marriage so much...I know now of course what a tough life she's had with him...


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

DjF said:


> not sure about laws and such, but if he received an inheritance while still married to you, wouldn't you be entitled to a share of that?


Nope. Inheritance isn't community property. 

To his credit, he helps out. I think if I took him to court and sued for support I wouldn't get anything more. I might get less and instead of just poking a stick under the porch to bother the dog I'd be setting the house on fire!

He pays the health insurance ($1500/month). He paid to have us moved. He bought me a top of the line futon. He paid a handyman to come and hang my curtains and pictures and put up shelves in the apartment. He bought my son's school clothes. He paid $1300 to fix my car. He's been there in many ways and I'm OK with that. 

I wish he'd fix himself and go back to work and take the inheritance and invest it or save it or SOMETHING other than just blow it off by living off it. For most of our married life money was a REAL problem and now we could've solved that problem and it's not going to happen. That is what gets me pissed off. It's a missed opportunity. 

Fortunately, he lives frugally and he plans to keep the house, which is in many ways, a very good idea so I'm supportive of that. 

He also talks about fulfilling a long time dream of his (actually it was both our dream at one time) and buying a boat and keeping it up at one of our favorite places, Lake George in the Adirondack mountains of New York Sate. I have serious doubts if he is able to do this, given his "condition". Will he have the incentive and energy to actually go shopping for and buy a boat, never mind enjoy it? I wonder...

Maybe it'll be the thing to get him going and make himself WANT to get better. Or maybe it'll just melt away along with everything else in his life. Shame. We talked about buying and enjoying a boat for so long..It was something that pulled us together and I feel he deserves it. I'd like him to get it but I don't think it's going to happen. Not now.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

vivea said:


> Freak...so sorry for what you're going through...it's tough...that is one hard situation...you seem so strong though ,you're doing great it seems.
> My grandfather was an alcoholic...till the day he died...it was hard to watch ...he would sit on the table in the living room all day and just drink wine and beer...until he goes to bed and than all over ... He was a fun guy though ,he loved me and interacted with me while drunk but he was gentle and fun and i didn't see a problem in him when i was a child...i do remember that he would argue with grandma a lot and she was constantly living on eggshells...poor lady never left him..she believed in marriage so much...I know now of course what a tough life she's had with him...


Guaranteed she had a hard life. That's what I read and hear about all the time with alcoholics. DjF is the exception to the rule. Most alcoholics never recover. They are in and out of therapy and rehab over and over again and more often than not they succumb to the disease. They die as they lived..addicted to the bottle. I'm starting to think that might be my husband. 

When my husband first started drinking he WAS fun. I rather liked him.  He was pretty jolly and silly and he was affectionate and horny (I liked that part A LOT!) He still liked to have fun. 

But it turned darker and darker as time went on. Round 2 (as I call it) after he went to rehab and then fell off the wagon was MUCH worse. Bad things happened. His father broke his hip and he started drinking again and blowing off work. I couldn't deal with it all happening again after it was supposedly "fixed" and went ballistic (which didn't help at ALL and I regret). It got worse and worse and culminated in his leaving, our separation, moving, etc, etc. 

Now there's nothing left. Like your grandfather he just sits and sits and drinks and smokes. He gets very angry if I try and take away from his "porch time". The only person he seems to want in his life now is our 13 year old son. Basically because my son doesn't bother him at all. As long as he can go over and eat snacks, play games on my husband's computer, watch movies and yack at my husband (my son is very talkative) it's all good.. My son makes no demands on my husband. I bother him so I'm a pain, a control freak, I'm the problem, etc, etc. My daughter will have nothing to do with my husband. 

I'm glad my son is there for him and he's there for my son. But the kid is 13. What happens when he gets his own life? Gets friends and no longer is inclined to spend every weekend with his father? It's going to happen (at least I hope it does for my son's sake). That's my husband might open his eyes and figure it out. He'll be truly alone. He's doing everything he can to push me away with both hands and if you push someone away enough they'll eventually turn around and walk away. 

In the meantime, I'm trying not to bother my husband. Not much else I can do. "I tried so hard and got so far..In the End it doesn't even matter" (To quote the song from Linkin Park  ). All I can do now is live my own life and try not to rile him too much. It's accepting this reality that's hard because I want the man I once had back but as time goes on and the memories fade I find it easier and easier to accept the reality of the present. 

Am I doing "great"? Well, I guess so. I have to. I have two kids depending on me. I've been far worse in the past. At least I feel mentally healthy. It's been stressful and I get frustrated but all in all, I'm content.

I'm building my own life and intend to keep doing so. I'm going out tonight with friends and I intend to have a great summer. He ruined last summer for me and he's not going to do it this year. Now I can leave and go home and not put up with the crap. He can choose to stay at his home and not put up with my crap. That is a big improvement any way you call it. 

I have no real hope of him getting better. His brother is an alcoholic and is divorced. He's still a loser and an alcoholic years later. I don't see any incentive for my husband to change. He has money to live off of, a place to live and seems content. Maybe he'll wake up and figure out what he's lost. Maybe not. It's not my problem anymore. 

Sounds cold but yes, I am strong. Unfortunately with that strength comes a certain coldness. It's a part of me that I both don't like and yet I embrace it at the same time. It sustained me during a bad childhood and while growing up with abusive parents in a dysfunctional home and it's keeping me going during a f*cked up marriage so I guess it works for me.


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

Freak, your husband is already on that boat...as I have been...it's called an addiction...it lets us float away without dealing with real life while complicating life...but we are floating...so it doesn't matter...I had a strong enough anchor to try and changed my ways...my family...

I'd be careful with letting my son stay over there too much...that is his role model right now...be a stronger role model...it hurts, but talk to your son abou the drinking, about alcoholism...I'd hate for him to follow in his father's footsteps!


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

I do talk to my son about his father. He's aware of the situation. If my son was younger I'd worry about his being with his father having a negative impact. But he's very perceptive and has seen first hand what his father's drinking has done to this family and our lives. But he loves his father and his father does love him. I don't want that to change. There's no vindictiveness in me and I abhor parents who use their kids as weapons in their own battle against their estranged spouse. 

What my son does need is his father. As his mother, we have our own relationship but it's not the same. My husband and our son have a strong relationship in other ways. They enjoy watching TV and playing games and talking. My son spends a lot of his time playing computer games or watching TV while my husband is on the porch. My husband doesn't drink or smoke in the house. It's his self imposed rule. 

Plus, my husband is a quiet man when he drinks. He's not abusive to anyone but me..LOL! He's a good father to my son and they both need each other. I think it would do more harm than good to impose restrictions on their time together. 

What I do is drive my son over and pick him up and he stays weekends there. No school nights. I see my husband regularly (every couple of days) and I stop over during the weekends so I'm keeping an eye on things. The house is clean, the refrigerator is stocked. I really don't think my son is being negatively impacted. 

What I do think is going to happen is, much like my daughter, when he hits a certain age he's going to get his own friends and his own life. My son is very engaging, charming and good looking. It's only a matter of time. Right now my husband has been using other people to escape. His father, now his son. But his options are running out. He doesn't want to see his friends and has cut himself off from them. He's pushing me out of his life. He has no family. Things are going to have to come to a head sooner or later. 

Or not. He might just continue on. His choice. Like you said, he's floating in his addiction. He is, "comfortably numb".


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

You seem to have a good grasp on things...good for you...

Two thing these issues have done for us, is anappreciation of our own kids...and a finer apptitude for seeing things around us...I've learn to read flags better and how to deal with them!


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

When my kids were younger I considered them a burden. Now they are a gift. I only hope I don't become a burden to them!

I try and bring as much support and happiness to them as I can. If there's ONE Thing I'm proud of in all this mess is that I've come through for them. I've taken them out of a toxic environment and put them in a nice home with a secure foundation. My daughter has an active social and academic life with friends and is happy here. She just got a new job working after school. 

My son is enjoying himself and doing well in his new school. They are doing great. And it's because I got my act together and did NOT fall apart because of my husband. *I *MADE this happen. Me..On my own, despite being the screw up that my husband says I am. 

How screwed up can I REALLY be if I managed to do this and still retain the love and respect of my children? To me that means EVERYTHING.


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