# he is hurtful and inconsiderate



## hurtarmywife (Apr 26, 2010)

My husband is deployed. I get that he doesn't want to talk to me all the time, but when he is actively ignoring me I get hurt. 
Recap:
AFTER we got married I found out he might have a child, I never wanted children and still don't. If the child is his, I will welcome him... but he hid it from me, and that's what makes me angry.
Some woman told me he was trying to get her to date him, and had done the same to her during his first marriage. I thought maybe she was the crazy ex, and gave him the beni of the doubt, but even after she was hurtful to me and tried to break us apart he still wants to be "friends" with her.
He is telling our problems to past women he has has sexual relations with, ignoring me to talk to them.
He is addicted to porn.
The fool failed his last PT test (very very very low score) and had the nerve to tell me I'm fat. 
He will log off with out saying good bye, even though I've told him how it makes me feel. Then I will find that he was still online, and just decided to ignore me.
He will ignore me like this for days, continuing to be online (facebook and such) but refusing to even say hello. 
When we try to have a conversation about our issues, everything is my fault. He refuses to talk about how his actions are hurtful to me, and how he can regain my trust after I found out he was on adult sites trying to get women. 
He thinks that because he said he was sorry, that I should be over it all. I found out two months ago that he was lying our whole relationship, even after we were married he was trying to get a "contract marriage" on craigslist. 

I don't know what to do. My credit is ruined since he credit was so horrible, he has destroyed what little self esteem I had... How can I get him to listen to me, and pay attention? How can I get him to not be such a jerk? I am on the verge of going to legal to start the paperwork for divorce if this cannot be fixed, but I don't want to do that. Should I follow those stupid books, you know the ones I mean. Where I ignore him and distance myself from him? Should I treat him the way he is treating me? What am I supposed to do? He treats me like he doesn't want this marriage and that I mean nothing to him. I swear, he loves his car more than he ever cared for me.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Hurtarmywife, I am sad to read your post. Surely your husband knows little of being a soldier, let alone a man. It is rare to read a post in which no "good time" in the relationship is alluded to.

Still though, your post is troubling. I feel a lot of crucial information is missing. What do you suppose he'd write about you if asked? Is there any truth to it? Was your relationship always this bad? How long have you been married? Why have you tolerated such serial deception and abuse on his part? How bad did he fail his physical readiness test? How did you not know he had a child, did you not date that long?

I'm sorry about all of the questions, but something just seems amiss, and I'm trying to get a better sense of your situation. It seems like you are looking for validation for a divorce. If so, I'd say if 1/2 of what you've wrote is accurate go ahead. I think most people would grant you that without undue accusation or blame.

LIL


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## hurtarmywife (Apr 26, 2010)

Yes, we did get married rather quickly after dating for just a few months. 

If he was asked, he would blame me for "digging in his past," and refusing to let things go after he had said sorry. He has said that since he said "sorry" I should be able to heal after just a few days of it. He would say that I am lazy, fat and demanding of too much effort, and I know this because he has said it to me. 

I've tolerated it, because in a way I feel like it is my fault. I should have waited, I should have asked these things before hand. We have been married 8 months now, most of it deployed. At the same time, I feel that since we are married, we should try to make it work... I feel though that I am the only one making an effort. We have been able to work on things a little, but each time we get better, I find something new and it throws us back again. 

He refuses to tell me how badly he failed the PT test, so he is remedial PT and when he fails things super bad he doesn't tell me details. 

I guess what I'm wondering, is how can I get him to listen to me? We start out trying to talk, but he deflects the subject to the things I have done. I have listened to him list everything he doesn't like about me, telling me what I would need to do to fix it... I have tried to do these things to make him happy, asking only that he stop watching so much porn, and stop trying to hook up with other women. When I have asked him about either one, he deflects it back to the issues he has with me. 

I suppose that in a way I AM looking for validation for a divorce, but I don't want one. I just want to be able to fix the one I have... I feel like I'm going crazy trying to fix something that is so broken though. 

We have had our good moments, but even those are tainted by hurtful things he has done or said to me.


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## hurtarmywife (Apr 26, 2010)

CLARIFICATION:
On my refusal to be able to "get over it" as quickly as he wants, I was supposed to heal in under a week. I fail to see how I can heal from 6 months of lies and bad treatment in under a week. 

And "digging in his past" refers to his adult profiles I found out about because he GAVE me access to his bank info, where the charges for the profiles were listed. 

Demanding of too much effort I mean to say that I expect him to be honest about his actions and to treat me with respect (not calling me fat, not lying about the women he is chatting to, saying "thank you" instead of "oh" and other common courtesies).

Let me know if any other clarification is needed on anything!


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

No HAW, I think you have provided sufficient information to determine that you are in a very unhealthy relationship. I won't bother to say abusive, because just being unhealthy is sufficient enough to warrant major change. 

When does he return from his deployment? You have already missed the 6 month annulment bus, so there is no need to rush things. As you seem to want to work things out, I would recommend giving him an opportunity to grow into the man both of you need him to be,

I will share with you an interesting observation about men. Some men when stressed seem to innately do the very things they need to do to address and correct for the source/cause of their discomfort/stress. Other men when faced with similar stress will do the exact opposite, and actually engage in the very behaviors that will worsen their problems and even destroy them. At a quick glance, I'd guess you married the latter.

It is never a good idea to not be in excellent physical condition, but this is especially true if you have your last name stenciled above your left breast and are currently forward deployed in a time of war. 

I would frankly address his physical issues first because they will be the easiest to objectively measure. They will also help to keep him alive. Somewhere in his command there is an unfortunate non-com who has been assigned the duty of working with the "Fat Boys" i.e. the people on remedial physical training. Find out who this person is through your ombudsman, and have them periodically update you on his progress through Skype, or some such. 

Failing a PRT is actually a pretty serious issue in the service. A first failure puts him on RPCP, costs him opportunities for schooling, and may even result in his failure to promote. His second and subsequent failures can result in a page 11 in his service jacket, and even administrative separation.

On the plus side, I will wager that as he gains greater control over his physical self, he will gain greater control over his life. This will not only make him a better soldier, but a much better husband as well.

Your homework is to begin to plug in spiritually. God loves you for the wonderful person that you are hurtarmywife. He can heal and restore both you and your marriage. Find out about this love. Read the Bible. Begin to pray. Find a fellowship with other Army wives. It will help you greatly.

I truly wish you the best of luck with your marriage. You can do this, and so can he. God Bless.

LIL


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## hurtarmywife (Apr 26, 2010)

He comes back sometime in Aug or September, but he tells me nothing so I am not sure. I have friends that left at the same time (same brigade, different unit though) and they have said they get back at the beginning to middle of Aug. 

He has told me that if he doesn't earn a promotion he will be kicked out in two years. He feels that is not "liked" by anybody and will not be able to earn it in his current unit. He has received orders to leave at the end of this year. 

He tells me all these things, and then swings around to saying he wants "to get me prego" by December. Gah. Men are so confusing to me. 

How do I get him to LISTEN and understand what I am saying? Is there a special way I need to say things to get it through his thick skull? I've tried the "I feel" statements and things like that... but he doesn't seem to understand them. 

Thank you LIL, what you said about the way men handle stress makes sense to me. I believe that you are correct about him, he is engaging in the exact behaviors that are making me want to leave, and making his life worse.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

*"He tells me all these things, and then swings around to saying he wants "to get me prego" by December. Gah. Men are so confusing to me."*

You're confused HAW not because he is a man speaking, but precisely the opposite; you are listening to an irrational little boy. Grown men inherently make sense HAW. Little boys naturally make excuses.

Until he gets his life in order the last thing he needs is another child. Furthermore, to protect yourself and your unborn child, I would wait until he becomes a proper father to the first one before I'd even consider giving him second. To be fair, I'd also share this information with him. It should force him to grow; which in my estimation is the primary purpose of life.

LIL


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