# Emotionally Confused



## MamaJones

I'm not really sure where to begin. I'm in need of some advice! I'll try to make this as short as possible. 
When I was 18 I had a baby with my at the time BF who I loved with all my heart! Turns out he wasn't ready to be a dad. I moved on and met a Guy online & we've been married for almost 14 years and have 8 children. I love my husband, truly I do! Over the last couple years my oldests bio dad has been back in the picture. My marriage is not in the best place as my husband has been having anger issues & has started to become very verbally abusive towards me. I feel very taken for granted. But the real problem lies in the fact that when I'm around my EX old feelings are starting to present themselves. I'm not sure what to do about this. Like I said I love my husband & o would never do anything to hurt him. But, my heart can't take it much more. I feel like my emotions are being torn in a million directions. I'll be the first to admit I do still have strong feelings for my EX. I JUST FEEL LIKE A MESS!!

I've tried to talk to my husband about his anger & verbal abuse but always end up being my fault. He turns things into a competition & tells me how I do nothing for our family. Keep in mind I own 2 businesses & take care of 8 kids on a daily basis. 

As far as my EX goes, I just am confused! I'm not sure what to do with these feelings. Keeping them inside is emotionally exhausting!! 


Mentions: 1
Posts: 62

12 minutes ago · #2


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## sokillme

What exactly are you expecting from your ex? Is he going to take on the role of co-parent of 8 (presumably 7 of your husband's) kids? Or do you think it's more likely he is going to get some emotional and sexual gratification from you and them move on? Really? I think you need to deal with real life here an not some fantasy. Why are you even indulging in this? Your married! Do you think this is right what you are doing? 

By the way you are emotionally separating from your husband because you are allowing yourself to have an emotional affair with your ex-boyfriend who dumped you with a kid. Most people are not capable of having love for two people, you are taking your emotional love from your husband to give it to a guy who quite frankly is a looser. Your husband for all his faults stepped up and assumed the financial provider role for a child that wasn't his. Maybe he is pissed at you because of the way you are treating him here. I know I would be, I would be thinking where is the loyalty. I can't believe I made such a mistake to choose someone who abandons me because we have had a rough patch. 

Time to grow up. Force your husbands hand tell him you are losing love for him because of how poorly he treats you. See what happens. Him being mean doesn't give you the right to have an affair, and this is what you are doing, enough with the "I love him", your actions don't show love. Even for yourself. 

What's with the count at the end of your post?


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## MamaJones

First off, I'm not looking to "have an affair". I would never do that. And admitting to having feelings for someone doesn't mean you are having an affair. I have never even voiced my feelings to my ex. As far as the co-parenting thing of 8 kids....my Ex actually has 9 of his own and all our kids are super close. So that issue if it ever came to that would never be a problem. 

And please, don't resort to name calling. My ex is not a loser. He was 17 and made mistakes. We all do. He is actually a very kind & loving man. 

I do understand some of your points. 
I'm just fed up with trying to get my husband to care and to stop taking me for granted. I'm done with being emotionally & verbally abused. I feel like I'm nothing to my husband but someone who cooks, cleans, & takes care if the kids..


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## She'sStillGotIt

Guess you didn't like the replies the other members gave you on your other thread asking the SAME thing so you were maybe hoping for magical different answers in this thread?

You jumped down everyone's throat on the other thread for DARING to tell you that your behavior and thoughts were inappropriate toward your ex, yet here you are, claiming to be oh so 'confused' about your feelings toward him.

So exactly what magical answer is it you seek?


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## Rgaines

sokillme said:


> you are emotionally separating from your husband because you are allowing yourself to have an emotional affair with your ex-boyfriend


I'm not going to tell you to feel guilty. I am not going to tell you a darn thing about right or wrong or place any moral judgement at all. All I am going to say right now is:

People (most normal people) whether or not they are doing something or even aware they might think about doing something, often find negative things to dislike in whatever or whomever would be holding them back from doing what they want to do.
For instance, a young child who knows his parents will not allow him to go sledding with the older kids will often think about and relive anger they have had for their parents, who wouldn't allow them to do something else. Or maybe their school that has rules about not being able to do whatever it is.
The same thing happens with adults. Believe it or not, a person who saw some attractive person look at them and wished even for a second that they might want to pursue that look, is highly likely to think about something negative in their current relationship that is holding them back, without ever being aware that the catalyst was a glance from a total stranger.

I only say this so that you can be aware of some natural and normal mental defense mechanisms that every normal human being has. It is important to be aware of those defense mechanisms as that helps us see what is going on with ourselves more clearly. Seeing our reactions more clearly and why we are having them, helps us make better decisions.


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## StarFires

_"Originally Posted by sokillme View Post
you are emotionally separating from your husband because you are allowing yourself to have an emotional affair with your ex-boyfriend"_



MamaJones said:


> First off, I'm not looking to "have an affair". I would never do that. And admitting to having feelings for someone doesn't mean you are having an affair. I have never even voiced my feelings to my ex. As far as the co-parenting thing of 8 kids....my Ex actually has 9 of his own and all our kids are super close. So that issue if it ever came to that would never be a problem.
> 
> And please, don't resort to name calling. My ex is not a loser. He was 17 and made mistakes. We all do. He is actually a very kind & loving man.
> 
> I do understand some of your points.
> I'm just fed up with trying to get my husband to care and to stop taking me for granted. I'm done with being emotionally & verbally abused. I feel like I'm nothing to my husband but someone who cooks, cleans, & takes care if the kids..


Shestillgotit said you posted another thread of the same subject matter and argued with those who responded. Are you arguing again? Your post that I quoted here sounds like it. I don't know why Sokillme says you are having an emotional affair. You didn't give us any details about you and your ex's encounters in this thread, but maybe you did in your other thread and that's where Sokillme got it from. I didn't see your other thread, so I don't know, but if you and he are communicating and interacting with each other for any reason more than is only and directly related to your son, such as "I'm coming to pick him up" and "He's doing well in school", then it definitely is an emotional affair. Any other types of communication and interactions shared between the two of you, such as "You look nice today" or "What have you been doing lately" or "I still care about you" or "My husband has been treating me badly" are conducive to emotions that shouldn't exist. That's what makes it an emotional affair. 

But if nothing of the like has been shared between you, then it's not an emotional affair. However, I would find it difficult to understand your feelings for him that plague you so strongly just because you saw him or just because he picks up and drops off his kid. If you are that emotionally capricous, then you may need to look into counseling for yourself. So, I can't help thinking you and he have communicated inappropriately in some manner since surely you don't have these feelings without knowing if he is even interested.

That brings me to what Rgaines suggested. Your husband treats you badly, which makes you feel unloved and unappreciated, so it could be that you are reflecting back to an emotional time in your life when you were treated better by someone because all you really want right now is to be treated better by a man who loves you. Did you know that 98 percent of cheaters blame their spouse/partner for their cheating? I'm not saying you are cheating. I don't know if you're having an emotional affair or not, but it does sound like you are trying to blame your husband (the way he treats you) for the feelings you have for your ex so that you can justify making the decision to leave your marriage to be with your ex. Again, that is emotionally capricious because one has nothing to do with the other, and you should be able to separate the two and deal with your marital problems, rather than it all amounting to a ball of confusion. 

You are married. That is all that matters. Focus on your marriage. Like Shestillgotit, I also don't understand people posting and arguing, and then posting again because they didn't get the answers they wanted. So, maybe google "my husband treats me badly" or "my husband is emotionally abusive" and you will get millions of results. You can take the advice they offer or you can leave it, but there won't be anyone to argue with since almost all of those results will tell you to leave a marriage that is abusive in any way. So you get what you want to hear and have permission to leave your husband so you can be with your ex. That's not the reason you should leave, but it will be your excuse to be with ex, when leaving should be for the purpose of working on your marriage.


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## Rick Cox

I'm not going to lecture you on what's moral, and what isn't moral. You're the one that stated that you were starting to have feelings for the ex again, you're the one who said your heart couldn't take much more of this. You should never start a relationship with someone new while in a relationship with someone else. The old saying "two is company, three is a crowd*. Look, of course the ex that hasn't been in your life for years and years is on his best behavior so everything he does is going to seem perfect in your eyes because you feel like you're being mistreated by the guy you're married to. You make a devil out of one and you put the Halo on the other. It's drama.
You're the one that is married here and it is your responsibility to tell your heart no. If you can't be around him without having these feelings then don't go around him. That is your moral obligation to your spouse. And yes you are having an emotional affair and that is a form of cheating. You can sit back and justify it all you want to, but at the end of the day a duck's a duck.
It's like you want someone on here to tell you it's okay you should go with this new guy because he treats you great, follow the heart. No, follow the oath that you took before God almighty. I'm sorry if this seems a little rude, but I'm a no-nonsense type of person. I called things for what they are a duck's a duck a dog's a dog. Be a lady, take your dignity back. Will be praying for you for real. And I will be praying for your husband to calm his temper as well best of luck and Godspeed.


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## Rick Cox

Put yourself in your husband's shoes and then ask, if he was doing the exact same thing you are would you consider it cheating? Would you want him to be around this person anymore?


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## frustratedinphx

Been there. When you’re in a bad place, it’s easy to want to escape to something you think is better. When your husband treats you poorly, you probably feel lonely & long for companionship. 

Unfortunately, there’s a reason you’re not with your ex. He was unreliable. With 8 kids I bet it would feel great to have a break, feel appreciated & share the responsibility. 

There’s no lonelier place than keeping a secret. You’re probably better off building a village of GFs. They check up on you, share the responsibility & pick you up when you’re down. 

Besides, hell hath no fury like a man scorned. Your hubby doesn’t sound very nice. Imagine what catching you in an affair would do to his likely fragile ego. It might green light worse behavior. Angry controlling men tend to get jealous when you have even harmless fun without them. You’re better off waiting for him to make an unforced error than making it yourself. Hang in there. This too shall pass...


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