# Advice



## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

I need advice, more like I don’t want to feel the way I do. Please listen to me and don’t just hear me. I’m only human, I made a mistake. 

I am a happily married woman with kids and have a wonderful life. However, about a year and half ago a person that I work with met eyes with me, it was accidental because we just ran into each other and literally I think we looked into each other’s soul when our eyes met. 


Background story, we have both worked in the same place for almost 10 years and never knew each other existed until last year 🤷🏽‍♀️ opposite schedules maybe or we just never paid attention to each other. We are also not in the same profession. 

Since then, when we make eye contact, we can’t stop staring at each other, I hardly ever work with him but it’s really weird when we do, i’m a crazy friendly person, but I totally shut down when I’m around him. I try not to be around him but there are circumstances I can’t avoid. Recently, I had to be around him a ton. When his leaving where we work, he will make sure he looks at me before he leaves, I look too. 

I have also seen him make an effort not too as well. I have made efforts to just put my head down and keep working. But sometimes we give in. 

It’s been over a year, we both have never talked unless it’s work related, one word conversation. we just stare but make efforts not too. However, I feel like the feelings are strong on both sides. He is really kind to me, I have recently been really mean to him to push us away from each other since we are both married and have a family. When we are alone somewhere, I put my head down and walk really fast so even if we wanted to talk we wouldn’t.

In the last week, I think we both have made efforts to not look at each other when we worked together, and we never talk unless it’s one word conversations. we look at each other and immediately put our head down and keep working. I think we are good people and are trying to save our marriages. Couple of days we saw each other in the hallway and put our heads down and kept walking past each other. 

I need advice, more like I don’t want to feel the way I do. Please listen to me and don’t just hear me. I’m only human, I made a mistake.


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## CrapMan (7 mo ago)

Shut this down now if you want to stay happily married!


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## CrapMan (7 mo ago)

Please listen to my advice from experience. I blew up a marriage and an engagement with 2 wonderful women I loved dearly. Sad to say, I made eye contact with other women and acted on that eye contact. I was an immature teenager even though I was in my 20s. Don't follow in my footsteps.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Here’s what you do: it’s a guaranteed fix.
Have you ever heard the phrase “wanting us a lot better than getting”??? Divorce your husband, Start having sex with him, move in and marry him……… do thus really fast. I’ll bet my paycheck you can’t stand the sight of him before your first wedding anniversary. Problem solved.

because this hit guy that looks into your soul—- he isn’t gonna be very appealing if he has a tiny wiener, farts all night, expects you to be his maid, badgers You for sex and then expects bj’s and anal and you like neither……

All you are doing is allowing your mind to steer you to disaster. It’s like reading a book and watching a movie. Why is the book always better? Because your imagination has given you visuals of exactly what YOU wanted things to be like. You don’t know this guy. You are simply imagining how you hope or wish him to be in your mind. These lovey duvet feekings of Limerance are total fantasy.

you’re in the land of rainbows and unicorns that all cheaters enjoy. If you were a good wife, you’d switch jobs or tell your husband all about this.

quite frankly, you are ALREADY having an affair with this man in your mind.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

LifeisLove said:


> I need advice, more like I don’t want to feel the way I do. Please listen to me and don’t just hear me. I’m only human, I made a mistake.
> 
> I am a happily married woman with kids and have a wonderful life. However, about a year and half ago a person that I work with met eyes with me, it was accidental because we just ran into each other and literally I think we looked into each other’s soul when our eyes met.
> 
> ...


It sounds like you have a schoolgirl crush on him, very immature for a wife and mother. You've allowed your mind to dwell on him far too long.

If you feel you can't shake this infatuation with the minimal interactions you have with him now the only solution is to quit your job or change positions so you never see him. You've done okay so far, but you are dancing way to close to the fire. 

What might be missing from your marriage that is making your mind think about another man?


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Anything that you intentionally keep from your husband is cheating. So you need to sit down with him and tell him everything that you just told to a bunch of internet strangers. After you do so, you should quit your job and find another. Guaranteed you do this, the problem will be solved.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

LifeisLove said:


> and literally I think we looked into each other’s soul when our eyes met.


No you didn't. That's silly.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

LifeisLove said:


> I think we are good people and are trying to save our marriages.


From what? High School drama? From your account here you've barely even spoken and what you have said has been short and work related only.



LifeisLove said:


> I need advice, more like I don’t want to feel the way I do. Please listen to me and don’t just hear me. I’m only human, I made a mistake.


According to you you've done nothing with this man. Not even had a private conversation. This is just drama in your head.



LifeisLove said:


> However, about a year and half ago a person that I work with met eyes with me, it was accidental because we just ran into each other and literally I think we looked into each other’s soul when our eyes met.


Oh, you looked into each other's soul, did you? Can you possibly be any more dramatic? Honestly! You're a woman with a job, a husband, and children. Grow the hell up. I'm stunned an adult is speaking this way.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

While it may not seem that way, you do have _Agency_, you are not helpless.

On the _Agency_ used, _Collect _your thoughts, _Model _your thoughts, employing reason, not emotion.

Do not_ Advertise_ your amorous thoughts to anyone, especially to your husband.

I would soon find another job (early 2023), and then quit this one.

I say this because you are caught up in some untoward spell.

It is untoward, the direction, unknown.


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## Chillidog (Nov 5, 2020)

I swear, I just yelled at the monitor for you to wake the F*** up.


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

MJJEAN said:


> From what? High School drama? From your account here you've barely even spoken and what you have said has been short and work related only.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Thank you! Trust me, I need the scolding…I’m not sure I I let my mind wonder


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

Chillidog said:


> I swear, I just yelled at the monitor for you to wake the F*** up.


Hahaha thanks!!! And I swear, just reading all the advice, is waking me up! I’m not sure what it’s doing but I’m legit coming out of the dream world and thinking straight


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> It sounds like you have a schoolgirl crush on him, very immature for a wife and mother. You've allowed your mind to dwell on him far too long.
> 
> If you feel you can't shake this infatuation with the minimal interactions you have with him now the only solution is to quit your job or change positions so you never see him. You've done okay so far, but you are dancing way to close to the fire.
> 
> What might be missing from your marriage that is making your mind think about another man?


Nothing is missing, I still can’t wrap my head around how and why this happen to me and Im grossed out and mentally exhausted about not wanting to feel this way. The scolding on here is helping, as it’s telling me…walk the hell away


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> Here’s what you do: it’s a guaranteed fix.
> Have you ever heard the phrase “wanting us a lot better than getting”??? Divorce your husband, Start having sex with him, move in and marry him……… do thus really fast. I’ll bet my paycheck you can’t stand the sight of him before your first wedding anniversary. Problem solved.
> 
> because this hit guy that looks into your soul—- he isn’t gonna be very appealing if he has a tiny wiener, farts all night, expects you to be his maid, badgers You for sex and then expects bj’s and anal and you like neither……
> ...


Thank you! Trust me, I need the scolding…I’m not sure I I let my mind wonder. You are actually right! I think it’s your message that’s really got me thinking, it’s like you read my mind and everything that’s going on. I feel grossed out.


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## BootsAndJeans (4 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> because this hit guy that looks into your soul—- he isn’t gonna be very appealing if he has a tiny wiener, farts all night, expects you to be his maid, badgers You for sex and then expects bj’s and anal and you like neither……


For all us men who fart all night and have small wieners........we are offended.......


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

BootsAndJeans said:


> For all us men who fart all night and have small wieners........we are offended.......


*A good marriage is one where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal.”
I do this this!!! *


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

This may all be in your head. 

This may hurt to hear, but he may not be experiencing anything similar to you at all. 
He may think you are just some gal at work. He may not even know your name and may not have any unusual feelings for you at all. 

This does happen. Sometimes people do get these crushes where they think they are having these overwhelming feelings and sincerely believe they are having some kind of deep connection with someone only to find out the other person knows nothing about it and has no untoward feelings towards them at all. 

If you have absolutely no tangible evidence of him having any feelings towards you other than this magical mysterious soul- lock with your eyes that one day, you may want to consider seeing a therapist to work through this.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

MJJEAN said:


> From what? High School drama? From your account here you've barely even spoken and what you have said has been short and work related only.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I’m with MJ, you’re building this up in your head and it will lead to a self fulfilling prophecy. Whatever your mind dwells on is where your heart will be. 

Your poor husband can’t compete with a fantasy. He doesn’t even know that his wife and mother of his kids has passionately F’d this guy in her heart. At home you two have bills, chores, and kids to deal with but with this guy, though you really have NOTHING, you’re building it up like he’s your soulmate. Think about where that thinking leads. If he is your destiny, then your husband and kids were a mistake.

Is a steaming sexual affair with this guy worth throwing your family away over? This guy is most likely feeling the connection and may start to pursue you. What then? We’ve read about what happens next on this forum many times. You allow yourself to go down the rabbit hole just a little. What harm can a little flirting do. But of course , it just keeps building. Before you know it, you start picking fights with your husband to avoid intimacy with your husband so you can be loyal to OM. You stop thinking of your kids as a blessing and start to feel like they’re a burden. All of these things don’t happen overnight but we see it on the threads so many times. 

So listen to MJ and stop it. You’re a grown @ss woman, married to a good man and with 2 beautiful kids. You’re not a girl in high school. Wake the F up before you drive the vehicle that is your family over a cliff.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> This may all be in your head.
> 
> This may hurt to hear, but he may not be experiencing anything similar to you at all.
> He may think you are just some gal at work. He may not even know your name and may not have any unusual feelings for you at all.
> ...


Good point. He may be thinking "why is that weird woman at work constantly looking at me funny?"


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> This may all be in your head.
> 
> This may hurt to hear, but he may not be experiencing anything similar to you at all.
> He may think you are just some gal at work. He may not even know your name and may not have any unusual feelings for you at all.
> ...


Well except for the fact he will stand at the door and stare at me. Comes and stands next to me, I move away. And now he parks on the same level as me, when he has a designated superior parking space in another area and he made sure I knew the first time, he parked on the same level by parking really close to me.


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

jsmart said:


> I’m with MJ, you’re building this up in your head and it will lead to a self fulfilling prophecy. Whatever your mind dwells on is where your heart will be.
> 
> Your poor husband can’t compete with a fantasy. He doesn’t even know that his wife and mother of his kids has passionately F’d this guy in her heart. At home you two have bills, chores, and kids to deal with but with this guy, though you really have NOTHING, you’re building it up like he’s your soulmate. Think about where that thinking leads. If he is your destiny, then your husband and kids were a mistake.
> 
> ...


Thank you, you know these are things are I didn’t think about, honestly, this thread and the advice on this threads are making me think a lot and already making me think of ways to avoid him and change things.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

LifeisLove said:


> Well except for the fact he will stand at the door and stare at me. Comes and stands next to me, I move away. And now he parks on the same level as me, when he has a designated superior parking space in another area and he made sure I knew the first time, he parked on the same level by parking really close to me.


That doesn’t changing anything I said. 

You are having distress over your feelings for him, your marriage and potentially your employment are being placed at risk,,, and you haven’t even stated if this guy even knows your name.

This may all be in your head. Do you want to risk your marriage, family, home and employment over something that is just in your head???

And even if he does also have a crush on you, your feelings are still causing you angst and distress and your marriage, family, home and employment are still being placed at risk. 

These things do happen and if keeping your head down and minding your own business and keeping your hands to yourself doesn’t fix it in a short period of time, you may be better served by seeing a professional that can help you work through this. 

The fact that this has been going on a year and doesn’t seem to be letting up, you should probably seek some professional guidance before something gets blown up.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

How about you put a lovely large photo of your husband and children on your work desk for you to see and for him to see.


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> That doesn’t changing anything I said.
> 
> You are having distress over your feelings for him, your marriage and potentially your employment are being placed at risk,,, and you haven’t even stated if this guy even knows your name.
> 
> ...


He does know my name and knows where I live. Regardless, I understand what you are saying. I’ve been thinking of ways how I can avoid him and if that doesn’t work, I will definitely consider professional help.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

LifeisLove said:


> .....I am a h*appily married woman with kids and have a wonderful life*. However, about a year and half ago a person that I work with met eyes with me, it was accidental because we just ran into each other and literally I think we* looked into each other’s soul* when our eyes met.
> 
> .......Since then, when we make eye contact, we can’t stop staring at each other, I hardly ever work with him but it’s really weird when we do, i’m a crazy friendly person, *but I totally shut down when I’m around him. I try not to be around him* but there are circumstances I can’t avoid.
> 
> ...


First of all you haven't yet made a huge mistake, just a little one.

If what you have posted is truthful, I do have a suggestion. Before I give you a suggestions, I have one comment to make. Nowhere in your post do you talk about your love for your husband and how wonderful he is. You really need to think about that and figure out if you really are in love with your H or just (as you have stated) your life and lifestyle. Is your husband more than a paycheck and the father of your children? Once you have thought about that, then I can provide you with a suggestion.

You need to prepare yourself to meet with Mr. Wonderful and talk to him. The behaviors you are describing are rude. You need to become more of an adult in the way you treat people and him in particular.

I suggest you approach him at work; tell him you are married with children. Then tell him that you feel that their is something emotional going on, but that you want him to know that you can't jeopardize either your job or your family and marriage to explore any feelings either of you may have. Tell him that you are committed to your family and that fraternization in the workplace far too often leads to someone loosing their job. And then thereafter stop thinking about him in the romantic way you have been.

Good luck.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

LifeisLove said:


> he will stand at the door and stare at me





LifeisLove said:


> Comes and stands next to me





LifeisLove said:


> And now he parks on the same level as me





LifeisLove said:


> he parked on the same level by parking really close to me.





LifeisLove said:


> He does know my name and knows where I live.


You didn't mention AFAIK whether the guy you have a crush on ( and yes that is exactly how it sounds to me ) is married. Either way, if he knows your name and where you live he surely knows YOU are married, which makes you even more attractive to him. He knows that an affair with a married woman will confer no responsibilities on him. Those are for your husband to deal with. You know like paying bills, keeping the house fixed, feeding a family. All he is interested in is some NRE hot and sweaty sex. And all of the things I have quoted show he is reeling you in slowly. Honestly some of it seems to border on stalking IMO. He knows you are for some reason infatuated with him. He is in no hurry. The longer it takes to get you the more fun it will be for him. Is he a real hunk compared to your boring old husband? What is the attraction?

IF you want to bring this to a full halt, you have some *drastic* actions to take. You need to get your head screwed on right ASAP and run as fast as you can from him. Someone suggested having a conversation about the fact you are married with kids. I believe engaging with him is exactly the wrong thing to do. He knows that already, it makes no difference to him. For sure he has researched you a LOT. You are a challenge and a prize for him to win.

If my wife were in your situation, I would expect her to come to me and tell me a guy at work is making her very uncomfortable and ask me for help avoiding him. We would go to see her boss and explain "a male employee here is creating a 'hostile workplace' for her and ask his help in correcting that situation. She would tell the boss she was uncomfortable working around or with this man, that he is parking next to her when he has an assigned place elsewhere, that it feels as if he is stalking her. I might go so far as to call him up and tell him to knock it off.

Your call, but if you keep on as things have been, it is a slippery slope.


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> How about you put a lovely large photo of your husband and children on your work desk for you to see and for him to see.


We don’t have a job like that, we don’t have a desk. We all work and chat and go home.


Rus47 said:


> You didn't mention AFAIK whether the guy you have a crush on ( and yes that is exactly how it sounds to me ) is married. Either way, if he knows your name and where you live he surely knows YOU are married, which makes you even more attractive to him. He knows that an affair with a married woman will confer no responsibilities on him. Those are for your husband to deal with. You know like paying bills, keeping the house fixed, feeding a family. All he is interested in is some NRE hot and sweaty sex. And all of the things I have quoted show he is reeling you in slowly. Honestly some of it seems to border on stalking IMO. He knows you are for some reason infatuated with him. He is in no hurry. The longer it takes to get you the more fun it will be for him. Is he a real hunk compared to your boring old husband? What is the attraction?
> 
> IF you want to bring this to a full halt, you have some *drastic* actions to take. You need to get your head screwed on right ASAP and run as fast as you can from him. Someone suggested having a conversation about the fact you are married with kids. I believe engaging with him is exactly the wrong thing to do. He knows that already, it makes no difference to him. For sure he has researched you a LOT. You are a challenge and a prize for him to win.
> 
> ...


he is married and has kids as well. I don’t think he means to do it. I think he is where I mean making him the monster is not fair because it is a two way street. I am responsible for my own actions. If I walk away and get my Head in the right place and make drastic changes I think I’ll get him out. My husband is amazing guy! And hot! To me at least


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

LifeisLove said:


> My husband is amazing guy! And hot! To me at least


If you actually mean this, then have the same discussion with your husband that you put into this thread. Ask him to help you get this guy at work off of your tail. Just because the other guy is married with kids doesn't mean he isn't chasing skirts. If you talked to him he would no doubt tell you what a horrible wife she is and he never gets any loving at home, and you are so beautiful he just can't help looking at you etc. Lots of BS.

Get your husband's help with this. This guy isn't a friend of your marriage. Work is a place to make money, not goo goo eyes with employees of the other gender.


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

Young at Heart said:


> First of all you haven't yet made a huge mistake, just a little one.
> 
> If what you have posted is truthful, I do have a suggestion. Before I give you a suggestions, I have one comment to make. Nowhere in your post do you talk about your love for your husband and how wonderful he is. You really need to think about that and figure out if you really are in love with your H or just (as you have stated) your life and lifestyle. Is your husband more than a paycheck and the father of your children? Once you have thought about that, then I can provide you with a suggestion.
> 
> ...


My husband is a good man and I love him! This guy is also married with kids


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## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

LifeisLove said:


> I am a happily married woman with kids and have a wonderful life.
> 
> Since then, when we make eye contact, we can’t stop staring at each other, When his leaving where we work, he will make sure he looks at me before he leaves, I look too.
> 
> ...


You are both acting like idiot middle school kids. Just stop it. This is pathetic.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

LifeisLove said:


> My husband is a good man and I love him! This guy is also married with kids


You may love your husband but it seems like it’s growing stale. The way you describe your feelings for this guy is very descriptive but you use generic language to describe your feels for tour husband. You’ve allowed your mind to ponder this guy for way too long that I bet your husband may notice something being off about you. 

See, your husband is all about you and your kids, mean while this guy sounds like he’s all about getting some from the girl who‘s flirting with her eyes and placing herself in his path. We men can be oblivious at times when it comes to the signals women give but once we wake up and see the signs, we lock on and will put on the charm to bed you.

Yea, he’s married with kids but the thought of sliding into you, has him willing to get risky with his actions. Do you think your husband hasn’t seen a woman at work or on business that hasn’t made him do a serious double take and say to himself “Damn she’s hot”. But since he loves you and what you’ve built, he restrains himself. Not mr eye gazer. He’s throwing caution to the wind for a chance to taste another man’s wife.
Please refocus some of that mental energy back into your marriage. Your family will benefit. Or keep fantasizing about eye gazer and watch yourself head into single mom hood.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

LifeisLove said:


> Thank you! Trust me, I need the scolding…I’m not sure I I let my mind wonder. You are actually right! I think it’s your message that’s really got me thinking, it’s like you read my mind and everything that’s going on. I feel grossed out.


As others have said you sound like an immature school girl. 

If I were a betting man I'd say at some point you actually follow through and make this a physical affair. With everything you've described I call BS that you "feel grossed out". You LOVE IT!! I mean he did look into your soul🙄


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Also, maybe the Mods can have this moved to the correct forum, "coping with infidelity"?


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

jsmart said:


> You may love your husband but it seems like it’s growing stale. The way you describe your feelings for this guy is very descriptive but you use generic language to describe your feels for tour husband. You’ve allowed your mind to ponder this guy for way too long that I bet your husband may notice something being off about you.
> 
> See, your husband is all about you and your kids, mean while this guy sounds like he’s all about getting some from the girl who‘s flirting with her eyes and placing herself in his path. We men can be oblivious at times when it comes to the signals women give but once we wake up and see the signs, we lock on and will put on the charm to bed you.
> 
> ...


I get what you are saying, and it could be true but I don’t think his like that. I see him trying to stay away sometimes. I don’t think his that kind of a guy. I’m just here for me. I know I’m wrong and I deserve everything that’s being said to me. I’m working on how to never work with him and if I do, just put my head down and keep working.


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

sideways said:


> As others have said you sound like an immature school girl.
> 
> If I were a betting man I'd say at some point you actually follow through and make this a physical affair. With everything you've described I call BS that you "feel grossed out". You LOVE IT!! I mean he did look into your soul🙄


I do feel grossed out, feelings are feelings, you can’t erase it. I’m trying to find a way to not have them. My guilt is for my husband, I love him and don’t want to think of another man. I want to not think this way.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

LifeisLove said:


> I get what you are saying, and it could be true but I don’t think his like that. I see him trying to stay away sometimes. I don’t think his that kind of a guy. I’m just here for me. I know I’m wrong and I deserve everything that’s being said to me. I’m working on how to never work with him and if I do, just put my head down and keep working.


Do you hear yourself? You haven’t even consummated an affair YET, but are already coming to his defense. Everything that you’ve revealed about this guys, tells me he wants you and he has already picked up the vibe that you want him too. Right now you’re both doing the preliminary dance as he builds his confidence to make his play. You have no idea how easy you will fall for him. You’ve already built him up in your mind, he just has to claim you. 

btw, I’m Not saying he wants to leave his wife and family for you, very few men do that. No he wants the free wanton sex that you’ll provide. When your affair is discovered, he’ll go begging his wife for forgiveness and will be COMPLETELY over whatever you have but you will be left reeling as you pine away for him while trying to force yourself to have feelings for your husband again. News flash, most WW struggle turning on any passion for their betrayed husband after an affair that’s if he’s willing to stay married to an adulteress wife.

Yes, I know you haven’t even done anything yet but we’ve read stories like yours MANY times on TAM. They’re usually told by the betrayed husband who desperately wants to save his marriage. If you’re too weak to avoid this guy, for your family’s sake, get a new job.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

LifeisLove said:


> We don’t have a job like that, we don’t have a desk. We all work and chat and go home.
> 
> he is married and has kids as well. I don’t think he means to do it. I think he is where I mean making him the monster is not fair because it is a two way street. I am responsible for my own actions. If I walk away and get my Head in the right place and make drastic changes I think I’ll get him out. My husband is amazing guy! And hot! To me at least


Think of him this way, he is a guy that would probably be glad to "hit it". He does not care about your hubby and would most likely brag and belittle him to others as a stupid idiot that could not even satisfy his woman. He does not care if a bit of pleasure destroyed your children's future. 

You are supposed to have your husband's back and care about your children. If you continue to allow this, you are neither a good wife or a good mother. A good wife protects her marriage and a good mom protects their child's nuclear family and future. 

He most likely has a SO and kids, so not only will you be a bad wife and mother, you will be a woman that helped destroy the marriage of another woman and the lives of her children. Think about all this while you are longingly staring at him.

I had a classmate that lived up the road from me, someone I considered a friend. Asked my wife out, knowing she was with me. Tried to steal her so to speak. She can home pissed! Told me about it and was livid that another man had the gall to disrespect me that way.

We have been married almost 26 yrs and have a relationship my son's say they hope and pray to someday have a marriage like. My wife "has my back" figuratively and literally. You are sticking your hubby in the back every time you stare at the hot mental soulmate.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

LifeisLove said:


> We don’t have a job like that, we don’t have a desk. We all work and chat and go home.
> 
> he is married and has kids as well. I don’t think he means to do it. I think he is where I mean making him the monster is not fair because it is a two way street. I am responsible for my own actions. If I walk away and get my Head in the right place and make drastic changes I think I’ll get him out. My husband is amazing guy! And hot! To me at least


Think of him this way, he is a guy that would probably be glad to "hit it". He does not care about your hubby and would most likely brag and belittle him to others as a stupid idiot that could not even satisfy his woman. He does not care if a bit of pleasure destroyed your children's future.

You are supposed to have your husband's back and care about your children. If you continue to allow this, you are neither a good wife or a good mother. A good wife protects her marriage and a good mom protects their child's nuclear family and future.

He most likely has a SO and kids, so not only will you be a bad wife and mother, you will be a woman that helped destroy the marriage of another woman and the lives of her children. Think about all this while you are longingly staring at him.

I had a classmate that lived up the road from me, someone I considered a friend. Asked my wife out, knowing she was with me. Tried to steal her so to speak. She can home pissed! Told me about it and was livid that another man had the gall to disrespect me that way.

We have been married almost 26 yrs and have a relationship my son's say they hope and pray to someday have a marriage like. My wife "has my back" figuratively and literally. You are sticking your hubby in the back every time you stare at the hot soulmate


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

I've seen the look at work. We call them F$ck me eyes...

Remember your Married....

Is it really worth it ?


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## username 378953 (1 mo ago)

You're a human being having confusing feelings. You didn't **** anyone. You can regain control of yourself quickly and you've already set things in the right direction by starting to avoid eye contact. Just keep doing that and set boundaries with yourself about it. You might need to establish a minimal amount of eye contact to be polite in a professional setting but just... leave it at that. He'll follow suit eventually.


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## username 378953 (1 mo ago)

I don't think it's in your head, at all. It seems like he's reading your body language and following your cues. He probably won't pursue it if you don't encourage him so just... don't. I think you should go back to whatever you were doing before you met him at work.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

LifeisLove said:


> Well except for the fact he will stand at the door and stare at me. Comes and stands next to me, I move away. And now he parks on the same level as me, when he has a designated superior parking space in another area and he made sure I knew the first time, he parked on the same level by parking really close to me.


Yes, he knows, he senses.
He is rapt, trapped in the same ethereal compact.

With he, the difference being, he is going with the flow, not resisting.

More so, he is stroking toward you, stoking your flames.
With his eyes, and his actions.
.........................................

The compact from afar is evident, and remains in play.

Life is a play, and we are its actors.

We can _decline_ our designated roles.

Decline, resist the choreographer.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

If you truly want to shut this down. You're fully capable of it. You're sending vibes/signals that you're interested. You need to stop! You have a lot to lose both personally and professionally.


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

Jimi007 said:


> I've seen the look at work. We call them F$ck me eyes...
> 
> Remember your Married....
> 
> Is it really worth it ?


No! No at all.


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

Tested_by_stress said:


> If you truly want to shut this down. You're fully capable of it. You're sending vibes/signals that you're interested. You need to stop! You have a lot to lose both personally and professionally.


This is exactly my thought! I have a lot to lose and I don’t want it. Thank you for reenforcing. I need to talk about my husband and kids more when I’m around him and keep my head down


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

Ms1955188 said:


> You're a human being having confusing feelings. You didn't **** anyone. You can regain control of yourself quickly and you've already set things in the right direction by starting to avoid eye contact. Just keep doing that and set boundaries with yourself about it. You might need to establish a minimal amount of eye contact to be polite in a professional setting but just... leave it at that. He'll follow suit eventually.


Thank you, I am! I need to talk about my husband and kids more when I’m around him and keep my head down. It’s the eye contact that got me and it’s not having the eye contact that’s going to save me.


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

Divinely Favored said:


> Think of him this way, he is a guy that would probably be glad to "hit it". He does not care about your hubby and would most likely brag and belittle him to others as a stupid idiot that could not even satisfy his woman. He does not care if a bit of pleasure destroyed your children's future.
> 
> You are supposed to have your husband's back and care about your children. If you continue to allow this, you are neither a good wife or a good mother. A good wife protects her marriage and a good mom protects their child's nuclear family and future.
> 
> ...


I deserve what you are saying. Im human, I made a mistake, fell for the eyes of another man. I need to talk about my husband and kids more when I’m around him and keep my head down. It’s the eye contact that got me it’s not having the eye contact that will release me from him. I’m done. I have a lot to lose. I have an amazing husband, beautiful amazing kids and an awesome career! I’m not ready to lose them.


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

jsmart said:


> Do you hear yourself? You haven’t even consummated an affair YET, but are already coming to his defense. Everything that you’ve revealed about this guys, tells me he wants you and he has already picked up the vibe that you want him too. Right now you’re both doing the preliminary dance as he builds his confidence to make his play. You have no idea how easy you will fall for him. You’ve already built him up in your mind, he just has to claim you.
> 
> btw, I’m Not saying he wants to leave his wife and family for you, very few men do that. No he wants the free wanton sex that you’ll provide. When your affair is discovered, he’ll go begging his wife for forgiveness and will be COMPLETELY over whatever you have but you will be left reeling as you pine away for him while trying to force yourself to have feelings for your husband again. News flash, most WW struggle turning on any passion for their betrayed husband after an affair that’s if he’s willing to stay married to an adulteress wife.
> 
> Yes, I know you haven’t even done anything yet but we’ve read stories like yours MANY times on TAM. They’re usually told by the betrayed husband who desperately wants to save his marriage. If you’re too weak to avoid this guy, for your family’s sake, get a new job.


I’m not coming to his defense. I’m just stating the fact. He could have had me along time ago and me him but I know his a good guy and so does everyone else.
We have tried really hard to remember we are both married, but we had weak times and that’s what got me.
And I don’t want it. i want 💯 to be with my husband. Getting reminded about things about my kids and husband and things I already knew on this thread, honestly has helped me. And it’s onlybeen less than 24hours. I’ve worked all night but chatted with my husband more thanI usually do.
Im human, I made a mistake, fell for the eyes of another man. I need to talk about my husband and kids more when I’m around him and keep my head down. It’s the eye contact that got me it’s not having the eye contact that will release me from him. I’m done. I have a lot to lose. I have an amazing husband, beautiful amazing kids and an awesome career! I’m not ready to lose them.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Having been here a while and having heard many stories, I wonder if we're getting the WHOLE story. It seems that you may be leaving out some things and sugar coating the rest.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

LifeisLove said:


> I get what you are saying, and it could be true but* I don’t think his like that*. I see him trying to stay away sometimes. I don’t think his that kind of a guy. I’m just here for me. I know I’m wrong and I deserve everything that’s being said to me. I’m working on how to never work with him and if I do, just put my head down and keep working.


You are rather naive if you think he "isn't like that". ANY guy who is doing this stuff with a woman is thinking about fun to come. I bet a lot of women in your situation would find his behavior actually creepy
The thing is this guy has a place in your head now. The more you think about him and contemplate him in any respect, the closer you come to being with him. Everyone is telling you what he is about, and you say you are "working on how". The way you are going is like a moth to the flame. You will not like the results, because all you are to him is some potential fun, he wants you for one thing and one thing only. 

Your husband and kids deserve better.from you.

BTW, this guy isn't the only man you will ever work around. You need to figure out why you are spending energy on the job looking at other men. There are plenty of them much smoother operators than the guy you are currently infatuated with. One of those would have bedded you already, given your poor boundaries.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

LifeisLove said:


> I’m not coming to his defense. I’m just stating the fact. He could have had me along time ago and me him but I know his a good guy and so does everyone else.
> We have tried really hard to remember we are both married, but we had weak times and that’s what got me.
> And I don’t want it. i want 💯 to be with my husband. Getting reminded about things about my kids and husband and things I already knew on this thread, honestly has helped me. And it’s onlybeen less than 24hours. I’ve worked all night but chatted with my husband more thanI usually do.
> Im human, I made a mistake, fell for the eyes of another man. I need to talk about my husband and kids more when I’m around him and keep my head down. It’s the eye contact that got me it’s not having the eye contact that will release me from him. I’m done. I have a lot to lose. I have an amazing husband, beautiful amazing kids and an awesome career! I’m not ready to lose them.


Can you expand on what you mean when you said "he could have had you a long time ago?"


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

LifeisLove said:


> I’m not coming to his defense. I’m just stating the fact. He could have had me along time ago and me him but I know his a good guy and so does everyone else.
> We have tried really hard to remember we are both married, but we had weak times and that’s what got me.
> And I don’t want it. i want 💯 to be with my husband. Getting reminded about things about my kids and husband and things I already knew on this thread, honestly has helped me. And it’s onlybeen less than 24hours. I’ve worked all night but chatted with my husband more thanI usually do.
> Im human, I made a mistake, fell for the eyes of another man. I need to talk about my husband and kids more when I’m around him and keep my head down. It’s the eye contact that got me it’s not having the eye contact that will release me from him. I’m done. I have a lot to lose. I have an amazing husband, beautiful amazing kids and an awesome career! I’m not ready to lose them.


It sounds like you are way down the road to ruin. You still haven't told your husband. But he will eventually pick up on what you are doing, if he hasn't already.

I wish one of the few reformed wayward women would chime in here to put some sense into your head. @Affaircare?


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Can you expand on what you mean when you said "he could have had you a long time ago?"


I mean I was weaker when this looks first started, now I’m getting some sense knocked into me, and myself. I wouldn’t have come here if I wanted to continue on the road to destruction. I think we both made a mistake and are trying to walk backwards. The truth is, I should have realized this a long time ago, this was my mistake. I will not walk forward, I want my kids and husband.


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> You are rather naive if you think he "isn't like that". ANY guy who is doing this stuff with a woman is thinking about fun to come. I bet a lot of women in your situation would find his behavior actually creepy
> The thing is this guy has a place in your head now. The more you think about him and contemplate him in any respect, the closer you come to being with him. Everyone is telling you what he is about, and you say you are "working on how". The way you are going is like a moth to the flame. You will not like the results, because all you are to him is some potential fun, he wants you for one thing and one thing only.
> 
> Your husband and kids deserve better.from you.
> ...


That’s the problem, my boundaries are legit! I’m the strongest person you will meet, i get hit in by other man, and I don’t give two ****s, my husband is my world and I don’t freaken now how the hell I fell for this eyelock and it makes me weak. I wouldn’t have come here if I wanted to continue on the road to destruction. I think we both made a mistake and are trying to walk backwards. The truth is, I should have realized this a long time ago, this was my mistake. I will not walk forward, I want my kids and husband.


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> It sounds like you are way down the road to ruin. You still haven't told your husband. But he will eventually pick up on what you are doing, if he hasn't already.
> 
> I wish one of the few reformed wayward women would chime in here to put some sense into your head. @Affaircare?


I think we both made a mistake and are trying to walk backwards. The truth is, I should have realized this a long time ago, this was my mistake. I will not walk forward, I want my kids and husband.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

LifeisLove said:


> That’s the problem, my boundaries are legit! I’m the strongest person you will meet, i get hit in by other man, and I don’t give two ****s, my husband is my world and I don’t freaken now how the hell I fell for this eyelock and it makes me weak. I wouldn’t have come here if I wanted to continue on the road to destruction. I think we both made a mistake and are trying to walk backwards. The truth is, I should have realized this a long time ago, this was my mistake. I will not walk forward, I want my kids and husband.


You fell for an “eyelock”???????
Geez. That’s really something.

Just so you know:

Jsmart’s post was spot on.

Every second this guy occupies your mind…. The feelings you have for your husband circle the drain. The first time you kiss this “good guy” (yeah, the one that’s making moves on the down low with a married woman—- that “good guy”) you might as well kiss your husband goodbye too…… because your feelings for your husband will be long gone and never return.

you say you love him.That is absolutely not true. Because if your love for your husband was as you say, there’s be no room in your heart for another man. And you’ve let the other man bring over a refrigerator and a sleeping bag in your heart already.

Knowing a little if human psychology, my guess is that your marriage is going down the tubes as we speak. You are already in the land of unicorns and rainbows and reality isn’t there.

The way you defend this guy and say he’s a good guy and pretend this “eye lock” thing is something special is pretty crazy.

Yoid be wise to figure out a way to fall back in love with your husband. I’m not sure there is one when you’ve mentally screwed yourself over for this long by listing after another guy.

asj yourself how many times you’ve had sex with this guy in your head. Be honest. Have you ever thought about your AP while you had sex with your husband? Well then….. who were you really with ?


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> You fell for an “eyelock”???????
> Geez. That’s really something.
> 
> Just so you know:
> ...


I actually have never had sex with him in my mind. So far I’ve imagined is talking. I’ve never imagined him when I’m having sex with my husband. You are right, I’ve let someone else enter my heart besides my husband, that is my guilt. I do spend more time with my husband and we enjoy each other.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

LifeisLove said:


> I actually have never had sex with him in my mind. So far I’ve imagined is talking. I’ve never imagined him when I’m having sex with my husband. You are right, I’ve let someone else enter my heart besides my husband, that is my guilt. I do spend more time with my husband and we enjoy each other.


But do you long for his touch like you do with this guy?


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> But do you long for his touch like you do with this guy?


I don’t know! I love when my husband touches me…but every once in a while I do want this guy to touch even my hand but then everytime I remind myself I’m married and walk away from that thought


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

Sfort said:


> Having been here a while and having heard many stories, I wonder if we're getting the WHOLE story. It seems that you may be leaving out some things and sugar coating the rest.


I’m confused what does this mean! I’m being honest. Maybe I’m naive, but I’m telling you how I feel and I don’t want too. Why I don’t talk crap about him is, if his a monster so am I. I’m guilty like he is, unless I’m missing something…and man are more smarter in these things than women?
I want things to go back to the way it was, I never want to know he existed. I’m sure I’ve worked with him before but I didn’t even pay attention he was there. That’s what I want things to be like again. I hate how I feel and I don’t want to feel that way.


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## Canadiana (1 mo ago)

You don't have genuine feelings for this man, let alone deep feelings. You barely know him. 

You *are*, however, enjoying feel desired. He probably is, too. That's what this is about: lust. So turn that back towards your marriage. How is your intimate life with your husband? How often do you have sex?


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

infatuation is fun. Fuels fantasies. Best keep it there. Divorce is messy.


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

Canadiana said:


> You don't have genuine feelings for this man, let alone deep feelings. You barely know him.
> 
> You *are*, however, enjoying feel desired. He probably is, too. That's what this is about: lust. So turn that back towards your marriage. How is your intimate life with your husband? How often do you have sex?


I think you are right! Our sex life is ok. We haven’t had time for each other as much, we work a lot and have 3 kids. But once I realized what started at work, I started making more time and asking him for more, he did tell me he loves us spending more time together! I just want this other guy out of my mind completely, I need him to leave me. this is deeper than I think. If I dig deep, even though I love my husband, somethings he does, ex when the kids and I are doing activities and crafts etc…he is sitting with us but instead on his phone reading about stocks etc and not with us..I have a little resentment against his family for treating me wrong, so that I think plays into it as well.


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

Longtime Hubby said:


> infatuation is fun. Fuels fantasies. Best keep it there. Divorce is messy.


Truth!!! I know a lot of people who are having a divorce and it’s so messy! I do not want to be there!


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

LifeisLove said:


> I think you are right! Our sex life is ok. We haven’t had time for each other as much, we work a lot and have 3 kids. But once I realized what started at work, I started making more time and asking him for more, he did tell me he loves us spending more time together! I just want this other guy out of my mind completely, I need him to leave me. this is deeper than I think. If I dig deep, even though I love my husband, somethings he does, ex when the kids and I are doing activities and crafts etc…he is sitting with us but instead on his phone reading about stocks etc and not with us..I have a little resentment against his family for treating me wrong, so that I think plays into it as well.


Ah? So a little more of the onion has been peeled back. Now is your husband’s lack of involvement during activities with the kids a recent issue? What about the lukewarm sex life? I ask because it is VERY common for wives to knit pick on their husband when their heart is on a new guy. 

I have to circle back to the he could have had me along time ago and the “we” are trying to dial it back. This makes me think that your involvement with this guy is much deeper than you’ve revealed. If you want real advice, you need to be honest so we can give the correct advice. We have heard much worse than what you have revealed. So if you have already kissed or have let this guy sexually touch you, it doesn’t mean you can’t turn it around. Not accusing you, I just want you to feel comfortable being open on TAM. Yes, you will be hit with 2x4s but many will still want to help you. This is a safe space to Talk About Marriage.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Has this other guy even talked to you?

Other than this mystical eye contact, has he ever flirted with you or made any advances or offers or hit on you at all?

Have you ever had any actual conversations?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Here you go OP. Not my words. But words of wisdom. This is you:


Right now, the texts/messages/conversations may be innocent fun, but soon, it may morph into:

Their lives since they parted
Their relationships since they parted
Their families
Their spouses
You
How you're an excellent father
How you're a great husband
How you're a wonderful guy
Your job
How your job keeps you busy
How your job keeps you away
How she sometimes feels lonely when you're away
How she sometimes feels a little overburdened at home
How she sometimes feels a little taken for granted
How she feels that you don't ALWAYS listen to her
How she feels that you don't ALWAYS understand her
How she feels like sometimes you're just "not there" for her
How...okay, you're not ALWAYS such a wonderful guy
How she loved hearing from him again
How she loves talking to him again
How she looks forward to his texts/e-mails now
How she feels young again
How she feels appreciated again
How she feels attractive again
How it's been so, so long since you made her feel that way
How her eyes have suddenly been opened
How she now realizes what she truly wants and needs
How she now realizes that you can't give that to her
How insensitive you can be sometimes
How you can be a real jerk sometimes
How she wonders if they would have stayed together
How she now realizes that she never really loved you
How she now realizes that she really loved him all along
How on earth she could have fallen for a jerk like you
How you're the biggest a++hole she's ever known 
How you're standing in the way of her true happiness
How you ruined her life
How she made a big mistake marrying you
How she made an even bigger mistake letting him go
How they were really meant to be together
How she desperately has to get away from you
How she's definitely going to leave you
How she's talking to divorce lawyers
How they're going to live happily ever after...


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

LifeisLove said:


> Our sex life is ok.


Not good. Not great. Not fabulous. Just "ok". You have transfered the "weak knees" from your husband to this random guy, "soul mate" where you work. In your mind it won't be long until you are dreaming about what it would be like to be under this guy, fantasizing about how wonderful that would be compared to your boring old husband.



LifeisLove said:


> *I just want this other guy out of my mind* completely, I need him to leave me. *this is deeper than I think.*


You know that we first conceive of evil in our minds. And the longer we contemplate it and allow it to take root into our heart and mind, the more certain we will act on what is in our mind. As the old saying goes, "the mind is the devil's playground." ONLY you can get him out of your mind. And the only way for that to happen is to *never* lay eyes on him again. *Forever*. That will be very difficult, especially since he is now in pursuit mode. If you change jobs, he will drop by your house while your husband is out. Or follow you to where ever you grocery shop. H3ll he may just "accidently" meet you while you peruse the vegetables. Or meet you while you are taking one of your kids to the pak. Or any number of ways to remain in contact. Those eyes of his will do the rest. Reeling you in.

Where this is now, your only salvation IMO would be to confess to your husband and beg him to help you overcome this addiction you have. It is rather like an alcoholic needs a support network to stay away from the bottle. And they cannot patronize a bar ever again lest they backslide. Because now, that is exactly what this thing with you and this random guy from your work. You have played around with this long enough now that you have this guy buried up in your psyche.

You are right, it is deeper than you think. It is a deep rabbit hole, and your marriage is circling the drain. I pray you will take the drastic action necessary to save yourself and your marriage. Tell your husband. He will find out eventually anyway. He likely knows already something isn't right.



jsmart said:


> it is VERY common for wives to knit pick on their husband when their heart is on a new guy.


Indeed. The AP doesn't have to live with the wife 24x7, and he is on his best behavior enjoying the hot monkey sex. He doesn't have to deal with all of the crap. Just the fun.



jsmart said:


> *he could have had me along time ago* and the “we” are trying to dial it back. This makes me think that your involvement with this guy is much deeper than you’ve revealed. *If you want real advice,* you need to be honest so we can give the correct advice.


Yeah, sounds like SHE is the one who has been the instigator of this Emotional Affair. Isn't that what it actually is? Being emotionally invested with a man who isn't her husband?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> Has this other guy even talked to you?
> 
> Other than this mystical eye contact, has he ever flirted with you or made any advances or offers or hit on you at all?
> 
> Have you ever had any actual conversations?


Let me be a little more blunt - have you or have you not ever had any more interaction than these weird head-down postures when you walk past each other in the hall and have you ever spoken to each other besides maybe checking on the status of the weekly TPS Reports for work? 

Have you or have you not ever had any one-on-one conversation? Any kind of personal interaction that did not involve the weekly TPS Reports from work? Have either of you ever laid a finger on the other or even brushed elbows in any kind of physical contact even if it was just an innocent looking elbow brush or flicking some lint off of the other's shoulder? 

Are you or are you not in some kind of work place affair? And if so, does HE realize this????

And if not, how much of this is in your own head?


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## TheGodfather (1 mo ago)

i have been reading your post lifeislove and while some people scold you and others offer advice i think the issue at hand may just be something going on with yourself. you see from what you have said about eye contact i feel is honestly nothing. wow you locked eyes with a guy at work and now your inlove ? no your not . you say marriage is good. family is good husband is great . the issue is like most people that have families and get older is the want to feel nervous, the first kiss, the first touch, the first embrace. too many married people just get in ruts. they are so busy being married they forget to date each other . they forget about intimacy . all you are looking for is that feeling you had when you and your husband first met. the first date , the first kiss etc... i just wonder if this more about some guy at work or more about your desires as a woman wanting that feeling again when you were young an inlove. just my thoughts i could be wrong who knows...


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

TheGodfather said:


> i have been reading your post lifeislove and while some people scold you and others offer advice i think the issue at hand may just be something going on with yourself. you see from what you have said about eye contact i feel is honestly nothing. wow you locked eyes with a guy at work and now your inlove ? no your not . you say marriage is good. family is good husband is great . the issue is like most people that have families and get older is the want to feel nervous, the first kiss, the first touch, the first embrace. too many married people just get in ruts. they are so busy being married they forget to date each other . they forget about intimacy . all you are looking for is that feeling you had when you and your husband first met. the first date , the first kiss etc... i just wonder if this more about some guy at work or more about your desires as a woman wanting that feeling again when you were young an inlove. just my thoughts i could be wrong who knows...


Well said.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

jsmart said:


> I have to circle back to the he could have had me along time ago and the “we” are trying to dial it back. This makes me think that your involvement with this guy is much deeper than you’ve revealed. If you want real advice, you need to be honest so we can give the correct advice. We have heard much worse than what you have revealed. So if you have already kissed or have let this guy sexually touch you, it doesn’t mean you can’t turn it around. Not accusing you, I just want you to feel comfortable being open on TAM. Yes, you will be hit with 2x4s but many will still want to help you. This is a safe space to Talk About Marriage.


I also agree that the dots are not connecting here and that we are not getting the true story here. 

She may either be in some kind of actual, reciprocal work place affair here that she is trying to whitewash. 

OR this is in her head. 

I haven't been able to find where she she comes out and says that this guy has ever even spoken to her or that she has spoken to him. All I have seen is where she talks about that he stares at her but yet when they pass in the halls they each keep their head down and look at the floor, and that he parks by her car in the parking lot (but didn't say that they chat it up on the way into the building) 

I'm kind of getting visions of the crazy neighborhood lady that has the crush on the Adam Sandler character in the movie Grown Ups 2 that thinks they are having this hot and heavy affair, but he barely remembers her name and thinks she's a complete whackadoodle. 

If this is some actual, reciprocal and interactive work place shenanigans, she needs to come out and say it. 

If this is something that she has just kind of conjured up in her head because she's really bored with her life and she is letting her daydreams and fantasies go a little too far, she needs to face up to that as well. 

Both can be equally problematic and damaging. But they would need to be treated differently. 

If this is in her head, then my fear is that people villifying the guy and treating her as if she is an adulteress is actually going to amplify the problem because it will pump her up in thinking that she really is having an affair and that they really do have this magical connection and exciting, illicit and secret romance. It would just be feeding her delusion and make it stronger. 

And if there is more to this and it is mutual interaction, then she needs to stop whitewashing it and come out and say that they are hooking up in the broom closet and txting each other pictures of their naughty bits at night. 

Either there is something there that she is covering up, or there is nothing there and she is filling in her own gaps in her head.


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## TheGodfather (1 mo ago)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Well said.


thanks LH im new here so im trying to just call it as i see it


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## Chillidog (Nov 5, 2020)

LifeisLove said:


> I’m not coming to his defense. I’m just stating the fact. He could have had me along time ago and me him but I know his a good guy and so does everyone else.
> We have tried really hard to remember we are both married, but we had weak times and that’s what got me.



I think she gave herself away with this quote. We, We, We.


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> Let me be a little more blunt - have you or have you not ever had any more interaction than these weird head-down postures when you walk past each other in the hall and have you ever spoken to each other besides maybe checking on the status of the weekly TPS Reports for work?
> 
> Have you or have you not ever had any one-on-one conversation? Any kind of personal interaction that did not involve the weekly TPS Reports from work? Have either of you ever laid a finger on the other or even brushed elbows in any kind of physical contact even if it was just an innocent looking elbow brush or flicking some lint off of the other's shoulder?
> 
> ...


We have never talked unless work and have never touched each other ever! He has gotten close like shoulders touching but I walked away really fast. If we ever see each other in the hallway, we pause for a sec, put our heads down and keeping walking.


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

Chillidog said:


> I think she gave herself away with this quote. We, We, We.


???


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

LifeisLove said:


> ???





TheGodfather said:


> thanks LH im new here so im trying to just call it as i see it


im not sure how to reply to your post thegodfather. It could just be that. I may need to start focusing on my husband


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## TheGodfather (1 mo ago)

LifeisLove said:


> ???


you i


LifeisLove said:


> im not sure how to reply to your post thegodfather. It could just be that. I may need to start focusing on my husband


i have been reading your post lifeislove and while some people scold you and others offer advice i think the issue at hand may just be something going on with yourself. you see from what you have said about eye contact i feel is honestly nothing. wow you locked eyes with a guy at work and now your inlove ? no your not . you say marriage is good. family is good husband is great . the issue is like most people that have families and get older is the want to feel nervous, the first kiss, the first touch, the first embrace. too many married people just get in ruts. they are so busy being married they forget to date each other . they forget about intimacy . all you are looking for is that feeling you had when you and your husband first met. the first date , the first kiss etc... i just wonder if this more about some guy at work or more about your desires as a woman wanting that feeling again when you were young an inlove. just my thoughts i could be wrong who knows...


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> I also agree that the dots are not connecting here and that we are not getting the true story here.
> 
> She may either be in some kind of actual, reciprocal work place affair here that she is trying to whitewash.
> 
> ...


There is no affair. I have never touched him. He has gotten very close to touching me- just on my shoulders though. 
Ok let me tell you exactly what’s going on. His Lab scientists and I’m a research scientist, clinically. We only see each other when he comes to operate on something. However!
In the last year
when we never use to see each other, we each other a lot 
He has a special parking place - but he has moved to the place I park and on the same floor, sometimes he parks next to me. 
i use to never see him, now we come to work at the same time, how? Recently, in the past week or so I started to come early so I miss him.
Last week, when there was no one in the hallway, I enter the hallway, he stood there looking at me, instead of going into the room, I walked fast avoiding eye contact.
He saw me two days ago, accidentally, we could have not seen each other because there is a wall, he paused, looked at me then put his head down and kept walking
He doesn’t ever need to come to my side of the room, but for the past 6 months his there, and one day he came stood right next to me for maybe 10 mins, I froze not knowing what to do. Then he looked at me and left. 
If I enter the room, I usually don’t look around, I get what I need and leave, he will make sure, he does something where I know his there so I look at him.


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## TheGodfather (1 mo ago)

it is just that . think about it . you feel comfortable because you have known the guy at work so long . if you just wanted to cheat you could to a bar and have an ons. it also may be that your love your husband but not in love with him. the attraction sexually has just worn off and your attracted to this guy at your work. 
if your attracted to the guy at work more than your husband than you had better find a new job fast, quick and in a hurry . all it takes is a fight or argument with your husband and you will be making some really bad choices. is your job worth your marriage and family? is your attraction to the guy at work worth making the biggest mistake of your life? if it isn't than quit tomorrow or you will one day be giving into the unknown.. and from the stories i have read on here it is just sex, pain, lies, and years of heartbreak


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

TheGodfather said:


> it is just that . think about it . you feel comfortable because you have known the guy at work so long . if you just wanted to cheat you could to a bar and have an ons. it also may be that your love your husband but not in love with him. the attraction sexually has just worn off and your attracted to this guy at your work.
> if your attracted to the guy at work more than your husband than you had better find a new job fast, quick and in a hurry . all it takes is a fight or argument with your husband and you will be making some really bad choices. is your job worth your marriage and family? is your attraction to the guy at work worth making the biggest mistake of your life? if it isn't than quit tomorrow or you will one day be giving into the unknown.. and from the stories i have read on here it is just sex, pain, lies, and years of heartbreak


No my job nor is my job worth more than my husband and kids.


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## TheGodfather (1 mo ago)

LifeisLove said:


> No my job nor is my job worth more than my husband and kids.


then you have your awnser. because the longer you stay at that job the harder temptation will be to fight ..


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

TheGodfather said:


> then you have your awnser. because the longer you stay at that job the harder temptation will be to fight ..


Is there no other way? Can I not change departments, avoid his at every cost. I just got a promotion. I’m not saying I’m not going to leave my job. If that’s the only way, I will. But I’m not sure if there is another way.


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## TheGodfather (1 mo ago)

LifeisLove said:


> Is there no other way? Can I not change departments, avoid his at every cost. I just got a promotion. I’m not saying I’m not going to leave my job. If that’s the only way, I will. But I’m not sure if there is another way.


if you're on this website then your desires and feelings have clearly hit a point where your scared you may do something that will jeopardize your marriage and family. if you change departments, can you 100% say you will never see him again, want to see him again, contact him or have a desire for him again?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I have an easy way: Tell his wife that he has looked into your soul and has deep feelings for you. Pretty simple


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

LifeisLove said:


> I deserve what you are saying. Im human, I made a mistake, fell for the eyes of another man. I need to talk about my husband and kids more when I’m around him and keep my head down. It’s the eye contact that got me it’s not having the eye contact that will release me from him. I’m done. I have a lot to lose. I have an amazing husband, beautiful amazing kids and an awesome career! I’m not ready to lose them.


Right! Avert your eyes, they are the windows to the soul. You have to be proactive to protect your marriage and your soul. I understand as I am an eye man. My wife's eyes are what entrapped me to her. Flee temptation. 

I saw a very pretty young lady walking out of a gas station back to her car once. She looked over at me and locked her eyes on me, with a sly sexy smile like I would like to get a piece of him, I instantly felt like I was put under a heat lamp, my temp rose 4 degrees instantly. I looked back down at gas pump and thought, you just keep walking, nothing to see here. I pumped my gas and got the heck out of there. I love my wife too much to go near that.

Guard your eyes, that is your weakness.


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## FakeNews001 (2 mo ago)

LifeisLove said:


> Is there no other way? Can I not change departments, avoid his at every cost. I just got a promotion. I’m not saying I’m not going to leave my job. If that’s the only way, I will. But I’m not sure if there is another way.


Maybe start looking at other opportunities. You might find that you can get an equal or better position at another company (or maybe not). Take a look and see what is out there... and, I guess, avoid the gaze of your male coworkers?!?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

LifeisLove said:


> Our sex life is ok. We haven’t had time for each other as much, we work a lot and have 3 kids. But once I realized what started at work, I started making more time and asking him for more, he did tell me he loves us spending more time together! I just want this other guy out of my mind completely, I need him to leave me. this is deeper than I think


You will make time for what is important and a priority to you. The more you are with your hubby sexually, theore this guy will get out of your head. With your hubby, what is OK sex life. Put a lock on the door and turn on music and get in the bed. 

Make the time!!!! Heck make it part of your bedtime routine. I'm 50, wife 54, she gets out of shower ready, lock the door so kids don't barge in, turn on tunes. 4-5 nights a week.

Keep your eyes on hubby, be with each other, lock eyes with him while being with him. Don't close your eyes and allow OM to invade time with hubby or you will start fantasizing about OM while having sex with hubby.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

you can look at the menu.


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

TheGodfather said:


> if you're on this website then your desires and feelings have clearly hit a point where your scared you may do something that will jeopardize your marriage and family. if you change departments, can you 100% say you will never see him again, want to see him again, contact him or have a desire for him again?


You are absolutely correct! The reason I’m on here is that I’m scared. I don’t want this to be anything and I needed people to scold me or advice me on how to get myself out before I make a really mistake that I couldn’t return from.


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## TheGodfather (1 mo ago)

LifeisLove said:


> You are absolutely correct! The reason I’m on here is that I’m scared. I don’t want this to be anything and I needed people to scold me or advice me on how to get myself out before I make a really mistake that I couldn’t return from.


i don't like to scold anyone. that works temporarily. you can't understand or help feeling the way you feel. and i commend you on wanting to fight your feeling for your marriage and husband. that shows conviction and devotion. my only worry or concern is one day you will be at work and the OM makes a move on you, and you give in to him in a moment of weakness .. a moment of weakness you may not come back from. again, is your job worth your family. you have deep feelings for the OM and i fear if he makes a move on you it will be the start of an affair. and if YOU defend OM by saying oh! he is a nice guy OR he would never do that OR he is married etc etc... than you have already chosen the OM over your husband and family.. sorry to tell you but that is the truth.. job or family.. your choice


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

LifeisLove said:


> There is no affair. I have never touched him. He has gotten very close to touching me- just on my shoulders though.
> Ok let me tell you exactly what’s going on. His Lab scientists and I’m a research scientist, clinically. We only see each other when he comes to operate on something. However!
> In the last year
> when we never use to see each other, we each other a lot
> ...


You sound like someone dying to have an affair and the first to ***** when it goes to hell. Dude never talked to. Wake up this is a fantasy. You have a task family. Be the wife your husband deserves rather than lusting over shoulder touching fanatasy guy.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

LifeisLove said:


> You are absolutely correct! The reason I’m on here is that I’m scared. I don’t want this to be anything and I needed people to scold me or advice me on how to get myself out before I make a really mistake that I couldn’t return from.


You do want this if you’d grow tge hell up and not talk about it anymore. You are loving this.


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## TheGodfather (1 mo ago)

snowbum said:


> You do want this if you’d grow tge hell up and not talk about it anymore. You are loving this.


brother i get your straight forwardness but she is just trying to work through her feelings .. no need to hammer a woman that is fighting her thoughts to save her family because she truly does love her family.. women are a vortex which men will never truly understand but can not live without


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

Divinely Favored said:


> Right! Avert your eyes, they are the windows to the soul. You have to be proactive to protect your marriage and your soul. I understand as I am an eye man. My wife's eyes are what entrapped me to her. Flee temptation.
> 
> I saw a very pretty young lady walking out of a gas station back to her car once. She looked over at me and locked her eyes on me, with a sly sexy smile like I would like to get a piece of him, I instantly felt like I was put under a heat lamp, my temp rose 4 degrees instantly. I looked back down at gas pump and thought, you just keep walking, nothing to see here. I pumped my gas and got the heck out of there. I love my wife too much to go near that.
> 
> Guard your eyes, that is your weakness.


Thank you for telling me this, I was thinking how just an eye contact can bring me to this point. I thought I was going crazy. I wish this was at a gas station and I could drive off and not see him ever again!


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

FakeNews001 said:


> Maybe start looking at other opportunities. You might find that you can get an equal or better position at another company (or maybe not). Take a look and see what is out there... and, I guess, avoid the gaze of your male coworkers?!?


I usually don’t look at any man and I don’t care about the ones that look at me. I have a great one at home. Yeah I’m going to start looking, who knows, this might be a reason for a better opportunity somewhere else for a job.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Treat the great one at home decent


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

Divinely Favored said:


> You will make time for what is important and a priority to you. The more you are with your hubby sexually, theore this guy will get out of your head. With your hubby, what is OK sex life. Put a lock on the door and turn on music and get in the bed.
> 
> Make the time!!!! Heck make it part of your bedtime routine. I'm 50, wife 54, she gets out of shower ready, lock the door so kids don't barge in, turn on tunes. 4-5 nights a week.
> 
> Keep your eyes on hubby, be with each other, lock eyes with him while being with him. Don't close your eyes and allow OM to invade time with hubby or you will start fantasizing about OM while having sex with hubby.


Great advice thank you


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## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

LifeisLove said:


> That’s the problem, my boundaries are legit! I’m the strongest person you will meet,


No you're not. Most people who love their spouse wouldn't let themselves fall for this stupid, limerent "magical stare" that this man is hypnotizing you with. You are a dangerous partner and I hope your husband is keeping his eyes open. This whole thing is incredibly stupid and juvenile, you admit that you almost slept with him when this first started, and you want us to believe that you are "the strongest person we will meet?" Give me a break. This is incredibly pathetic.

I also imagine that you and your beau are a laughing stock around the office... You probably think your coworkers aren't noticing all the stupidity going on between you and your boyfriend, but I assure you they are noticing. SMH.


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

TheGodfather said:


> i don't like to scold anyone. that works temporarily. you can't understand or help feeling the way you feel. and i commend you on wanting to fight your feeling for your marriage and husband. that shows conviction and devotion. my only worry or concern is one day you will be at work and the OM makes a move on you, and you give in to him in a moment of weakness .. a moment of weakness you may not come back from. again, is your job worth your family. you have deep feelings for the OM and i fear if he makes a move on you it will be the start of an affair. and if YOU defend OM by saying oh! he is a nice guy OR he would never do that OR he is married etc etc... than you have already chosen the OM over your husband and family.. sorry to tell you but that is the truth.. job or family.. your choice


You are right! I mean if you men are saying that his a guy then he must be and wants only one thing. I choose my family.


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

Exit37 said:


> No you're not. Most people who love their spouse wouldn't let themselves fall for this stupid, limerent "magical stare" that this man is hypnotizing you with. You are a dangerous partner and I hope your husband is keeping his eyes open. This whole thing is incredibly stupid and juvenile, you admit that you almost slept with him when this first started, and you want us to believe that you are "the strongest person we will meet?" Give me a break. This is incredibly pathetic.
> 
> I also imagine that you and your beau are a laughing stock around the office... You probably think your coworkers aren't noticing all the stupidity going on between you and your boyfriend, but I assure you they are noticing. SMH.


You know what! They do! People have noticed us looking at each other, I have thought about talking to him and telling him this needs to talk but I don’t know how.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Just knock it off. You’re cheating in your mind. Quit this ****, or you’re going to ruin your life. I’d wager you did cheat alrwady


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

Exit37 said:


> No you're not. Most people who love their spouse wouldn't let themselves fall for this stupid, limerent "magical stare" that this man is hypnotizing you with. You are a dangerous partner and I hope your husband is keeping his eyes open. This whole thing is incredibly stupid and juvenile, you admit that you almost slept with him when this first started, and you want us to believe that you are "the strongest person we will meet?" Give me a break. This is incredibly pathetic.
> 
> I also imagine that you and your beau are a laughing stock around the office... You probably think your coworkers aren't noticing all the stupidity going on between you and your boyfriend, but I assure you they are noticing. SMH.





snowbum said:


> Treat the great one at home decent


im trying! That’s why I’m here! My husband is the best…I made a mistake but it’s not a mistake that I can’t walk away from. I don’t want to have an affair. I don’t want to break my home nor do I want to break his. I’m not that person.


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## TheGodfather (1 mo ago)

LifeisLove said:


> You are right! I mean if you men are saying that his a guy then he must be and wants only one thing. I choose my family.


well all i can tell you is if you stay at that job , you will most likely cheat on your husband . i am curious you said a long time ago you almost cheated with OM.. what happened?


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

LifeisLove said:


> im trying! That’s why I’m here! My husband is the best…I made a mistake but it’s not a mistake that I can’t walk away from. I don’t want to have an affair. I don’t want to break my home nor do I want to break his. I’m not that person.


No no, what I meant was, when this started I was weak, for him! If he made a bigger move then, I don’t know if I would have been able to resist. So he could have had me then! And I think he knew that. But now, he can’t! Because my eyes are open and I know this is alllllll wrong and I don’t want it. I want my husband and family.


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

TheGodfather said:


> well all i can tell you is if you stay at that job , you will most likely cheat on your husband . i am curious you said a long time ago you almost cheated with OM.. what happened?


No no, what I meant was, when this started I was weak, for him! If he made a bigger move then, I don’t know if I would have been able to resist or was in my right mind to resist. So he could have had me then! And I think he knew that. But now, he can’t! Because my eyes are open and I know this is alllllll wrong and I don’t want it. I want my husband and family


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

TheGodfather said:


> well all i can tell you is if you stay at that job , you will most likely cheat on your husband . i am curious you said a long time ago you almost cheated with OM.. what happened?


I’m probably going to be looking for a new job or even move to the sister hospital that he never goes too.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Divinely Favored said:


> I saw a very pretty young lady walking out of a gas station back to her car once. She looked over at me and locked her eyes on me, with a sly sexy smile like I would like to get a piece of him, I instantly felt like I was put under a heat lamp, my temp rose 4 degrees instantly. I looked back down at gas pump and thought, you just keep walking, nothing to see here. I pumped my gas and got the heck out of there. I love my wife too much to go near that.


Smart man. Some women LOVE to spot a married man, they see the ring and take it as a personal challenge.



LifeisLove said:


> You know what! They do! People have noticed us looking at each other, I have thought about talking to him and telling him this needs to talk but I don’t know how.


No! Nothing needs talking about. You need to stay as far away from him as possible.

You haven't done anything wrong, yet. You can't control your feelings but you CAN control your actions. Pretend he's a dog walking past you...no touch no talk no eye contact.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

@LifeisLove , why won't you tell your husband what has been going on? Do you believe in honor within a marriage? Do you think that spouses should keep secrets from one another? Do you think spouses are accountable to one another? Peruse the pages of this forum and see the misery that visited couples because of secrets, some buried decades in the past.

If the roles were reversed and a woman at his work was making googoo eyes at him, would you want him to keep that a secret from you? Let's suppose you change jobs. Don't you thinl your husband is going to want to know why the change? Your husband is your best ally to help you avoid a big mistake. And personally believe he can help you get loose from this guy for good, maybe without changing jobs.


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## TheGodfather (1 mo ago)

LifeisLove said:


> I’m probably going to be looking for a new job or even move to the sister hospital that he never goes too.


another thing i would work on is what led you to be so easily seduced by this man? is there something in your life your missing? being nervous? the first kiss? the first touch? if i were you instead of being married to your husband start dating him again . rekindle what made you fall inlove with him.. it is just clear this OM has is hooks in you.. i still believe though it has to be more than eye contact.. i feel like something else has happened to make you fall in love like this.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

All of us look at the scenarios presented here through our own lens and perspectives based on our own experiences, knowledge, education, things we've seen in the people we know etc etc etc. 

A number of people on this site are here because they have been cheated on and so they see things through the lens of someone who's spouse has cheated on them and see this as an affair or at least an affair in the making. 

Some have had serious relationship problems or divorce and are seeing this as some kind of issue within your marriage and that there is something missing in your marriage that is causing you to be drawn to another man. 

As a health care professional, if things really are as you are describing, I am seeing this as possibly some kind of emotional or mental issue. If things really are as you are describing, I am concerned that what you are seeing as his involvement may just be in your own mind. 

I get you have a crush on him and everyone gets crushes from time to time but if they don't want to mess up their lives and their marriages, they realize the other person probably does not feel the same or they simply just enjoy the little hormone rush but realize it's not going anywhere and they keep their feelings and their hands to themself and simply carry on with normal, daily life. 

But you are acting as if you are in an actual affair and thinking that he has similar feelings for you and it is causing you a good deal of angst and distress and if left unchecked could put both your marriage and your job at risk. 

I am not sure that simply changing departments or jobs at work is actually going to fix the problem. That might keep you from pulling him into the broom closet for a quickie, but if your feelings and your ideation of his involvement with you is out of control, then simply switching to a different work area is not going to address the actual problem. 

My suggestion is to have this evaluated by a mental health professional to see if there is more to this than a garden variety school girl crush.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Rus47 said:


> @LifeisLove , *why won't you tell your husband what has been going on?* Do you believe in honor within a marriage? *Do you think that spouses should keep secrets from one another?* Do you think spouses are accountable to one another? Peruse the pages of this forum and see the misery that visited couples because of secrets, some buried decades in the past.
> 
> If the roles were reversed and a woman at his work was making googoo eyes at him, would you want him to keep that a secret from you? Let's suppose you change jobs. Don't you thinl your husband is going to want to know why the change? * Your husband is your best ally to help you avoid a big mistake.* And personally believe he can help you get loose from this guy for good, maybe without changing jobs.


@LifeisLove
You NEED to tell your husband about all of this. The fact that you are keeping this secret from him is keeping your boundaries loose. If you know hubby is in the loop you will get your act straightened out and this will turn into a lesson instead of a BIG mistake (which it is well on it's way to becoming).

All of the emotions and limerence aside. From a pragmatic point of view, you are willing to give it up and risk your marriage and family for a guy that just looked at you, while throwing your husband under the bus after he dated you, supported you, loved you, helps raise a child with you and I would expect has been your shoulder to cry on when things get/got tough ... but hey the schmuck at work DID look into your soul.  
*Tell your husband so he can help put all of this behind you.*


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

snowbum said:


> Just knock it off. You’re cheating in your mind. Quit this ****, or you’re going to ruin your life. I’d wager you did cheat alrwady


I agree with you, it feels like I am cheating in my mind that’s why I’m here! I’ve realized it…


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

frusdil said:


> Smart man. Some women LOVE to spot a married man, they see the ring and take it as a personal challenge.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Oh that’s actually a great idea! I’m scared of dogs. Honestly, an amazing idea. I can do that.


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> @LifeisLove , why won't you tell your husband what has been going on? Do you believe in honor within a marriage? Do you think that spouses should keep secrets from one another? Do you think spouses are accountable to one another? Peruse the pages of this forum and see the misery that visited couples because of secrets, some buried decades in the past.
> 
> If the roles were reversed and a woman at his work was making googoo eyes at him, would you want him to keep that a secret from you? Let's suppose you change jobs. Don't you thinl your husband is going to want to know why the change? Your husband is your best ally to help you avoid a big mistake. And personally believe he can help you get loose from this guy for good, maybe without changing jobs.


Well there was a women after my husband and he never told me. I found out myself. It was my sons teacher, he always dropped him off, one day I went, and she kept talking about my husband when I asked how my son was doing in school. Needless to say, he doesn’t drop him anymore.


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

TheGodfather said:


> another thing i would work on is what led you to be so easily seduced by this man? is there something in your life your missing? being nervous? the first kiss? the first touch? if i were you instead of being married to your husband start dating him again . rekindle what made you fall inlove with him.. it is just clear this OM has is hooks in you.. i still believe though it has to be more than eye contact.. i feel like something else has happened to make you fall in love like this.


I’m not sure what else could have happened? Nothing else has ever happened, except that. I think it’s the fact that we let it go for so long that has built this into something it’s not. Maybe imagination. Whatever it is, I want out.


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

Rubix Cubed said:


> @LifeisLove
> You NEED to tell your husband about all of this. The fact that you are keeping this secret from him is keeping your boundaries loose. If you know hubby is in the loop you will get your act straightened out and this will turn into a lesson instead of a BIG mistake (which it is well on it's way to becoming).
> 
> All of the emotions and limerence aside. From a pragmatic point of view, you are willing to give it up and risk your marriage and family for a guy that just looked at you, while throwing your husband under the bus after he dated you, supported you, loved you, helps raise a child with you and I would expect has been your shoulder to cry on when things get/got tough ... but hey the schmuck at work DID look into your soul.
> *Tell your husband so he can help put all of this behind you.*


You are right, I should tell my husband. I haven’t done anything but look at someone. It’s not too late to confess and I know he will support me


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

LifeisLove said:


> There is no affair. I have never touched him. He has gotten very close to touching me- just on my shoulders though.
> Ok let me tell you exactly what’s going on. His Lab scientists and I’m a research scientist, clinically. We only see each other when he comes to operate on something. However!
> In the last year
> when we never use to see each other, we each other a lot
> ...


He sounds like a real creep. He isn't a nice guy. His is a married man pursuing a married woman. I hope you realize that.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

You should most definitely put in for a transfer to the other hospital ASAP!


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

LifeisLove said:


> You are right, I should tell my husband. I haven’t done anything but look at someone. It’s not too late to confess and I know he will support me


Atta girl. You're absolutely right it is not too late. Take this first step in fighting for your marriage before it is too late and not only will you get through this issue but your marriage will be stronger and better for it.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

LifeisLove said:


> I agree with you, it feels like I am cheating in my mind that’s why I’m here! I’ve realized it…


Have you fantasized about making out or having sex with him? If so, you have.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

LifeisLove said:


> I need advice, more like I don’t want to feel the way I do. Please listen to me and don’t just hear me. I’m only human, I made a mistake.
> 
> I am a happily married woman with kids and have a wonderful life. However, about a year and half ago a person that I work with met eyes with me, it was accidental because we just ran into each other and literally I think we looked into each other’s soul when our eyes met.
> 
> ...


*I`m not that person.*
Sorry, but you are that person or have the potential to be that person.
Try explaining to your kids and husband that you have strong feelings for another guy and see if he agrees that you`re only human so that`s OK because we all make mistakes.
Speaking as a guy, you are one of the main reasons if I were single again, I`d never get married today.


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## Canadiana (1 mo ago)

LifeisLove said:


> We have tried really hard to remember we are both married,


If you have never spoken to him, how do you know what he is trying to do? You have no clue what is going through his mind. 


LifeisLove said:


> I need him to leave me


This is a strange comment, because there is nothing to leave. You two make eye contact, and run into each other sometimes. That's it. All you have to do is stop making eye contact. 

Unless you are leaving out significant parts of the story, it sounds like you have blown this all way out of proportion in your mind. You've said several things that leave me wondering what you have omitted from your version of events here. It seems like you're telling on yourself without realizing you're doing so.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Tested_by_stress said:


> You should most definitely put in for a transfer to the other hospital ASAP!


@LifeisLove needs to have a discussion with her husband about this whole thing that has been going on for the past year before transferring to another hospital. She can use the discussion to tell her husband she wants to transfer to another hospital as a way of getting away from the guy. 

I agree with @oldshirt regarding an examination by a medical professional. 

And maybe counseling for her and her husband to sort out some of their marital issues. There are some rocks under the surface of this "wonderful marriage". Like him not confiding in her and her not confiding in him. Resentment that he isn't spending time with the family. "Ok" sex. They need to get all of this stuff sorted out, because whatever job she moves to or where ever the job is, SHE is still there. 

Remember, she says she gets hit on all of the time by guys at work. So it is just a matter of time before she gives in to the man with the right skills and line of BS. She sounds like a woman vulnerable to another man with the right skills and more confidence in his seduction abilities. Like she said, if this guy had been more proactive, this thread would already be in the Infidelity section, maybe her husband posting about how his wife of x number of years fell for the guy who made googoo eyes at her, asking what should he do.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

Divinely Favored said:


> Have you fantasized about making out or having sex with him? If so, you have.


But not with her body.


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> @LifeisLove needs to have a discussion with her husband about this whole thing that has been going on for the past year before transferring to another hospital. She can use the discussion to tell her husband she wants to transfer to another hospital as a way of getting away from the guy.
> 
> I agree with @oldshirt regarding an examination by a medical professional.
> 
> ...


So I went into work yesterday, I saw him in passing, out my head down and kept walking, I parked on a different floor, and when I entered the room I did my thing and went home.


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

Canadiana said:


> If you have never spoken to him, how do you know what he is trying to do? You have no clue what is going through his mind.
> 
> This is a strange comment, because there is nothing to leave. You two make eye contact, and run into each other sometimes. That's it. All you have to do is stop making eye contact.
> 
> Unless you are leaving out significant parts of the story, it sounds like you have blown this all way out of proportion in your mind. You've said several things that leave me wondering what you have omitted from your version of events here. It seems like you're telling on yourself without realizing you're doing so.


I have nothing nothing with him, I just don’t want to have an affair. That’s it! There have been no events that I’ve omitted.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

LifeisLove said:


> So I went into work yesterday, I saw him in passing, out my head down and kept walking, I parked on a different floor, and when I entered the room I did my thing and went home.


Have the two of you ever talked about this mutual admiration and apparent desire. May be best to nip in the bud. Tell him although you are attracted, you are committed to making things work at home.

You can fantasize about him when pleasing yourself or even with your husband. Trust me, quite a few people have their minds on someone else when with a spouse.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

LifeisLove said:


> I have nothing nothing with him, I just don’t want to have an affair. That’s it! There have been no events that I’ve omitted.


You have a choice. You’re acting as if you can’t resist his advances. We’ve had a number of people here with that problem. It never works out.


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

gameopoly5 said:


> *I`m not that person.*
> Sorry, but you are that person or have the potential to be that person.
> Try explaining to your kids and husband that you have strong feelings for another guy and see if he agrees that you`re only human so that`s OK because we all make mistakes.
> Speaking as a guy, you are one of the main reasons if I were single again, I`d never get married today.


I think it’s


gameopoly5 said:


> *I`m not that person.*
> Sorry, but you are that person or have the potential to be that person.
> Try explaining to your kids and husband that you have strong feelings for another guy and see if he agrees that you`re only human so that`s OK because we all make mistakes.
> Speaking as a guy, you are one of the main reasons if I were single again, I`d never get married today.


I’m sorry, I have never been in this situation being with my husband for 15 years, You sticker me, like I’m the worst women alive. You treat me like I’m seducing him. Im literally running away for why I think is wrong. Calm down! I can say the same toy you about what he is doing.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Longtime Hubby said:


> But not with her body.


LifeisLove said:
I agree with you, it feels like I am cheating in my mind that’s why I’m here! I’ve realized it…


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Longtime Hubby said:


> You can fantasize about him when pleasing yourself or even with your husband. Trust me, quite a few people have their minds on someone else when with a spouse.


Then why be with the spouse......divorce and make it so. If my wife were fantasizing about sex with another guy, I would free her to go do it. That action would make her unworthy of being my wife. A faithful wife is present physically and mentally.


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

Divinely Favored said:


> Have you fantasized about making out or having sex with him? If so, you have.


No, I have thought about us talking, having coffee. I literally have never chatted with him. I mean, maybe someday I would have.


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Have the two of you ever talked about this mutual admiration and apparent desire. May be best to nip in the bud. Tell him although you are attracted, you are committed to making things work at home.
> 
> You can fantasize about him when pleasing yourself or even with your husband. Trust me, quite a few people have their minds on someone else when with a spouse.


I don’t not want to fantasize about someone else when I’m with my husband. I love my husband. I have thought about talking to him about it, but I figured just leave it and stay away.


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

Sfort said:


> You have a choice. You’re acting as if you can’t resist his advances. We’ve had a number of people here with that problem. It never works out.


And I’m making a choice! That’s why I’m here. I needed to hear all this, either rough, mean, scolding or advice.


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

Longtime Hubby said:


> But not with her body.


Right not with my body!


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

Divinely Favored said:


> Then why be with the spouse......divorce and make it so. If my wife were fantasizing about sex with another guy, I would free her to go do it. That action would make her unworthy of being my wife. A faithful wife is present physically and mentally.


I wouldn’t divorce my wife for having a fantasy when we are together. Nor would she divorce me. Heck, we sometimes talk about fantasies WHILE we have fun. No harm. No foul. No divorce attorneys needed. Bottom line: Everyone is different. What works for us may not work for you two. And vice versa. It sounds like you’d be surprised that people share sexual fantasies. I’m wondering right now which one to whisper today.


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

I agree, everyone is different. You do what works for you


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Longtime Hubby said:


> I wouldn’t divorce my wife for having a fantasy when we are together. Nor would she divorce me. Heck, we sometimes talk about fantasies WHILE we have fun. No harm. No foul. No divorce attorneys needed. Bottom line: Everyone is different. What works for us may not work for you two. And vice versa. It sounds like you’d be surprised that people share sexual fantasies. I’m wondering right now which one to whisper today.


Exactly. My wife and I are on same page, if you fantasize about sex with another while with your spouse or alone, we both consider it adultry, as we are both Christian and Bible states such.
Some people have no issue with it until the fantasy becomes a physical reality. Co-worker, kids coach, neighbors spouse.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

Divinely Favored said:


> Exactly. My wife and I are on same page, if you fantasize about sex with another while with your spouse or alone, we both consider it adultry, as we are both Christian and Bible states such.
> Some people have no issue with it until the fantasy becomes a physical reality. Co-worker, kids coach, neighbors spouse.


after 30 years, a spark or two is sometimes needed. That’s how it goes. I’m not sure about adultery ot lusting in our hearts, President Carter, if is is just our imagination but it helps us. Not judging anyone. or making it physical


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Divinely Favored said:


> If my wife were fantasizing about sex with another guy, I would free her to go do it.


Same here. When a man (or woman) has lusted after another woman (or man) in his (or her) heart, they have already committed adultery in their heart.

We have to keep a guard on our mind. That is where evil is conceived and contemplated, to be acted on later.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Have the two of you ever talked about this mutual admiration and apparent desire. May be best to nip in the bud. Tell him although you are attracted, you are committed to making things work at home.
> 
> You can fantasize about him when pleasing yourself or even with your husband. Trust me, quite a few people have their minds on someone else when with a spouse.


NFW is it good advice to tell her to fantasize about him sexually either by herself or worse, with her husband. This is a man she is crushing on and intereacts with regularly. You are advising her to continue standing at the precipice of a cliff where her destroyed family sits at the bottom. Why? You and your wife may be able to compartmentalize, but this woman is in crisis. the absolute best advice is to out as much distance between her and him.


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## Canadiana (1 mo ago)

LifeisLove said:


> There have been no events that I’ve omitted.


Then how would you know that he is trying really hard to remember he is married?

Where are you getting that from?


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

I’m assuming, him trying to also put his head down and not look at me etc…


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## Canadiana (1 mo ago)

LifeisLove said:


> I’m assuming, him trying to also put his head down and not look at me etc…


It could be argued that this is you projecting. 

*You* are trying to remember you are married, so you assume he is too. Maybe you're right, or maybe you are off-base. The same goes for much of your interaction with him, given that you have zero clarification from him. You are making a lot of assumptions, about all of it. 

That's not to say all of your assumptions are wrong, but you are definitely seeing things through your own filter of desire. You might be surprised to learn that he doesn't think about you the way you think about him. He might enjoy the glances at work but then be perfectly happy to go home and cuddle his wife and not give you much thought at all. Or maybe he drives off and makes eyes at the same lady in the Starbucks drive-thru every day. 

The point is that you have gotten lost in your own fantasy but seem to be coming back down to earth now. Keep the focus on polishing up whatever's gone rusty in your marriage.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

TheGodfather said:


> brother i get your straight forwardness


Maybe this doesn’t matter, but snowbum is not a “brother”.



LifeisLove said:


> Well there was a women after my husband and he never told me. I found out myself.


How are you certain your husband KNEW this chic fancied him? We men are frequently oblivious to women sending signals.


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## TheGodfather (1 mo ago)

gr8ful1 said:


> Maybe this doesn’t matter, but snowbum is not a “brother”.
> 
> 
> 
> How are you certain your husband KNEW this chic fancied him? We men are frequently oblivious to women sending signals.


i apologize I'm new here so i have no idea who is who lol.. sorry about that


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> NFW is it good advice to tell her to fantasize about him sexually either by herself or worse, with her husband. This is a man she is crushing on and intereacts with regularly. You are advising her to continue standing at the precipice of a cliff where her destroyed family sits at the bottom. Why? You and your wife may be able to compartmentalize, but this woman is in crisis. the absolute best advice is to out as much distance between her and him.


thanks for your input. coulda done without the NFW, your honor. Just made a suggestion. You don’t approve. fine. maybe she can compartmentalize? To each their own. NFW i judge people here


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## BootsAndJeans (4 mo ago)

jsmart said:


> Do you hear yourself? You haven’t even consummated an affair YET, but are already coming to his defense. Everything that you’ve revealed about this guys, tells me he wants you and he has already picked up the vibe that you want him too. Right now you’re both doing the preliminary dance as he builds his confidence to make his play. You have no idea how easy you will fall for him. You’ve already built him up in your mind, he just has to claim you.
> 
> btw, I’m Not saying he wants to leave his wife and family for you, very few men do that. No he wants the free wanton sex that you’ll provide. When your affair is discovered, he’ll go begging his wife for forgiveness and will be COMPLETELY over whatever you have but you will be left reeling as you pine away for him while trying to force yourself to have feelings for your husband again. News flash, most WW struggle turning on any passion for their betrayed husband after an affair that’s if he’s willing to stay married to an adulteress wife.
> 
> Yes, I know you haven’t even done anything yet but we’ve read stories like yours MANY times on TAM. They’re usually told by the betrayed husband who desperately wants to save his marriage. If you’re too weak to avoid this guy, for your family’s sake, get a new job.


@LifeisLove 

Or you can just tell your husband that another man makes your panties wet and he should really divorce you and find a woman who will be faithful to him in mind and body, has emotional stability and acts like a mature, grown woman.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

You have never conversed with him. You aren’t even friends. You don’t even know if he’s a jerk. Scary. The fact you’re afraid you’ll have with a guy who looked at you is scary. It sounds like something 14 year would say. How old are you? Quit making up a story line about you being star crossed lovers. People in love with with their spouse don’t do this. Stop. Your life is not a soap opera.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

And if you can’t, divorce your husband. Real life isn’t a drama.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Longtime Hubby said:


> thanks for your input. coulda done without the NFW, your honor. Just made a suggestion. You don’t approve. fine. maybe she can compartmentalize? To each their own. NFW i judge people here


I have no issue with what you are suggesting when both husband and wife are on board and everything is healthy in the relationship. You really don't see how wrong it is to suggest that she fantasize about he co-worker crush that she already believes he could have had her if he went for it? And why no mention of sharing it with her husband? So you suggest she keep a very serious secret from her husband and she keep this non-sense in her head alive at the risk of losing her husband and losing her family. Does that really seem like sound advice? She is literally having a marital crisis in her mind and your suggestion is to go deeper down the rabbit hole that put her there. Sorry, but I am going to judge that kind of thing, and I judge it to be wrong and even somewhat irresponsible.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I have no issue with what you are suggesting when both husband and wife are on board and everything is healthy in the relationship. You really don't see how wrong it is to suggest that she fantasize about he co-worker crush that she already believes he could have had her if he went for it? And why no mention of sharing it with her husband? So you suggest she keep a very serious secret from her husband and she keep this non-sense in her head alive at the risk of losing her husband and losing her family. Does that really seem like sound advice? She is literally having a marital crisis in her mind and your suggestion is to go deeper down the rabbit hole that put her there. Sorry, but I am going to judge that kind of thing, and I judge it to be wrong and even somewhat irresponsible.


Fair enough. my comments were made pre-coffee. You make some good points. there. I said it. toss myself on the mercy of the bench!


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

Canadiana said:


> It could be argued that this is you projecting.
> 
> *You* are trying to remember you are married, so you assume he is too. Maybe you're right, or maybe you are off-base. The same goes for much of your interaction with him, given that you have zero clarification from him. You are making a lot of assumptions, about all of it.
> 
> ...


I am!!! Thank you


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

gr8ful1 said:


> Maybe this doesn’t matter, but snowbum is not a “brother”.
> 
> 
> 
> How are you certain your husband KNEW this chic fancied him? We men are frequently oblivious to women sending signals.


He said, I wasn’t having an affair with her, there was nothing there so he didn’t think there was anything mention


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

BootsAndJeans said:


> @LifeisLove
> 
> Or you can just tell your husband that another man makes your panties wet and he should really divorce you and find a woman who will be faithful to him in mind and body, has emotional stability and acts like a mature, grown woman.


Oh maybe, he can be a better husband so I don’t fall for someone else eyes! Just saying…it’s a two way street! I’m not going to let you tell me I’m a horrible person, because I’m not. I’m a human being, and did not have an affair. I was headed in the wrong direction and realized it!


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Fair enough. my comments were made pre-coffee. You make some good points. there. I said it. toss myself on the mercy of the bench!


It’s fine! It’s good to hear everyone else’s prospective. Brings us back to the fact we are all humans and thinking differently. My main goal is to get my head out of that place and put it back where it belongs


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Ahhh so now the angry blame the husband. You are pretty messed up if eyes are enough to make you want to cheat. You said your husband is absolutely amazing and you love him. You’re trying to deflect your deceitful behavior. Actually your behavior is bad and you should feel bad.


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

snowbum said:


> Ahhh so now the angry blame the husband. You are pretty messed up if eyes are enough to make you want to cheat. You said your husband is absolutely amazing and you love him. You’re trying to deflect your deceitful behavior. Actually your behavior is bad and you should feel bad.


He is amazing! That’s why I’m working out getting my head out of wrong place. But amazing doesn’t mean he doesn’t have faults. I’m not blaming my husband, I’m staying a fact.


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## TheGodfather (1 mo ago)

im curious i have watched this website for awhile now and i thought it was to help people that didn't understand there feelings and try to work through them but wow i see some bashing going on . this woman hasnt even done anything with this guy and everyone ready to burn her at the stake .. wow


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Longtime Hubby said:


> after 30 years, a spark or two is sometimes needed. That’s how it goes. I’m not sure about adultery ot lusting in our hearts, President Carter, if is is just our imagination but it helps us. Not judging anyone. or making it physical


We are at 26 and have an uncontrolled inferno, she is ready for teen son to go off to college so we can add "wood" more often to the blaze.


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## Chillidog (Nov 5, 2020)

LifeisLove said:


> Oh maybe, he can be a better husband so I don’t fall for someone else eyes! Just saying
> [/QUOTE}
> 
> Deflection? Blame the husband?


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## Canadiana (1 mo ago)

OP, out of curiosity, had you dated much before you met your husband?

How old are you, and how long have you been married?


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

Canadiana said:


> OP, out of curiosity, had you dated much before you met your husband?
> 
> How old are you, and how long have you been married?


I dated but not a lot. I’m 37, married for 11+ years been together for almost 15


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## BootsAndJeans (4 mo ago)

LifeisLove said:


> Oh maybe, he can be a better husband so I don’t fall for someone else eyes! Just saying…it’s a two way street! I’m not going to let you tell me I’m a horrible person, because I’m not. I’m a human being, and did not have an affair. I was headed in the wrong direction and realized it!


@LifeisLove 

No one said you are horrible person, but you are acting ( as per your own description), like a horrible wife. Every single person here, who had tried to give you the honest, brutal truth, is met with deflections, blame shifting and your qualifying "buts".

You met eyes and it was magic, unicorns and rainbows. You state infatically that you have "done nothing wrong". Let's try a different approach, tell your husband exactly what you said in your opening post and see if he thinks "you have done nothing wrong". 

The reality that you refuse to face up to is you have done something wrong. You at least have become infatuated with a man, who is not your husband. You are dreaming of him, thinking about him, and are a slippery slope that will probably not end well. 

You need to understand why you have this fifteen year-old girl level of emotional turmoil and infatuation. You need to really understand if you do not take steps to stop it now, the following is likely to occur.

1. You will destroy your husband and his trust of you forever. Even if he forgives you, you will ALWAYS be tainted in his mind.

2. If you have children, you will wreck their lives.

3. If Prince Charming is married, you will be a homewrecker. 

4. Regardless you will lose all self respect you might have for yourself.

Me and a lot of folks on here, will tell you the unmitigated, brutal truth. You can get your panties in a wad about it or you can realize your anger is because you know we are speaking the truth and you are afraid of it. 

If my wife of 38 years told me she had the issue you do, or I found out.....I would take her to his house and tell him she is yours now. You are probably deluded if you think your husband has not sensed there is another buck in his rut. Many men may not talk about stuff alot, but we are not stupid. 

Good luck.


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

LifeisLove said:


> He is amazing! That’s why I’m working out getting my head out of wrong place. But amazing doesn’t mean he doesn’t have faults. I’m not blaming my husband, I’m staying a fact.





BootsAndJeans said:


> @LifeisLove
> 
> No one said you are horrible person, but you are acting ( as per your own description), like a horrible wife. Every single person here, who had tried to give you the honest, brutal truth, is met with deflections, blame shifting and your qualifying "buts".
> 
> ...


I’m fine with the truth and being straight with me. Trust me, there is a lot of things people have said made total sense. I’m on here to hear it but I’m not here to be tortured with words. I needed advice on what you thought I should do because I fell off the ban wagon, calling me a 14 year old doesn’t do anything for me. I’m trying to save myself and my marriage and trying to work through whatever I have going on. I got scared that things were not heading the right direction so I joined this group. When someone is down and is trying to get up, some of you do a great job trying to pick them up and some do a great job to keep them down. Regardless, most of the people in this forum has really made me realize what I really need to do and have given me encouragement. Sorry that I’m human and made a mistake, and didn’t want to keep circle the drain and decided to get help.


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## BootsAndJeans (4 mo ago)

I'm out of this thread. I prefer adult discussions.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

BootsAndJeans said:


> @LifeisLove
> 
> No one said you are horrible person, but you are acting ( as per your own description), like a horrible wife. Every single person here, who had tried to give you the honest, brutal truth, is met with deflections, blame shifting and your qualifying "buts".
> 
> ...


Way too harsh IMHO. Nothing has actually happened here. The OP has not done anything wrong or acted with any malfeasance. 

If what she is saying is true, then she has actually been putting forth considerable effort to avoid things happening with this guy and she has reached out here seeking help and advice. 

ISN'T THIS WHAT MARRIED PEOPLE ARE SUPPOSED TO DO WHEN THEY FIND THEMSELVES ATTRACTED TO SOMEONE??

So I think it is harsh and out of line to accuse her of being a horrible wife. 

And if everyone took their spouse and dropped them off on the doorstep of someone that caught their eye, About everyone on the planet would out sitting on someone's doorstep. 

We're all humans and we all find ourselves being attracted to others to varying degrees at various times in our lives - including yourself at times so lets not point the crooked finger of hippocrisy at the OP when she is trying hard to do the right thing. 

OUR FEELINGS DO NOT MAKE US BAD PEOPLE OR BAD SPOUSES. It is our actions and behaviors that define right from wrong and she is working hard to keep this from getting out of hand and trying to do the right thing. 

I know it can feel uncomfortable and feel threatening to hear someone talk about feelings for someone else in this manner. But if we attack people for reaching out asking for help in dealing with their feelings, then all that does is making them flounder around in the fog on their own and make them more likely to stumble and fall.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@LifeisLove , you wrote:


LifeisLove said:


> I’m fine with the truth and being straight with me. Trust me, there is a lot of things people have said made total sense. I’m on here to hear it but I’m not here to be tortured with words. *I needed advice on what you thought I should do because I fell off the band wagon*, calling me a 14 year old doesn’t do anything for me. I’m trying to save myself and my marriage and trying to work through whatever I have going on. I got scared that things were not heading the right direction so I joined this group. When someone is down and is trying to get up, some of you do a great job trying to pick them up and some do a great job to keep them down. Regardless, most of the people in this forum has really made me realize what I really need to do and have given me encouragement. Sorry that I’m human and made a mistake, and didn’t want to keep circle the drain and decided to get help.


Hi! @Rus47 mentioned my name and called me here, so I'm going to make an attempt to help. For a little background, I am a former wayward spouse, and by that I mean that I had an online affair when I was married to my second husband (he passed away in 2017, and I've since remarried). So in some ways I understand your thoughts and feelings a little bit, having "been there, done that."

The first thing I'd say to you is that in a long-term marriage, there are certain "phases." For example, there is the phase at the beginning when you first meet and feel all fluttery and get married and it's just heavenly. Then, there's another phase after-the-honeymoon where "real life" begins to settle in, and the way he pays his bills drives you NUTS...or the way you leave your hair dryer out drives him nuts...or just you two begin to realize that real life isn't an infallible spouse but rather a real human being who loves you whom you love. Then there's a phase where you work on careers maybe. And eventually kids come along and there's a phase that's more like business partners than lovers, because kids bring SO MANY MORE responsibilities and chores and activities and schedules and messes!! Both of you feel like the other one just lounges and both of you feel like you do all the work. One of you doesn't feel like sex because there's no connection, and the other feels like there's no connection because there's no sex. 

This phase is fairly typical, actually. I think both spouses feel it--like they aren't as close and kind of wish they were closer--but he feels nagged and she feels lonely. And so it goes. I hear a little bit of this in your posts...not that you're "blaming him" for what's happening now, but rather that, even though you DO love him and want to be closer and in love with him, you just don't feel that. And your head knows you have a great life and a great husband and a great family...but your heart feels something else. 

Here's the thing...well actually TWO things: 1) you aren't a slave to your "feelings" and 2) your feelings are YOUR job and choice, not his. 

*1) You aren't a slave to your "feelings". * As a younger person--say teenagers--we often view life and make decisions based on our feelings. You feel angry so you do XYZ drama to get back at them. You feel love so you don't see the red flags of a bad match. You feel sad so you lash out. But as people age and mature, we come to realize that our feelings can change based on times of the month, or whether we are hungry or tired, or based on hormones or being ill... feelings are FICKLE. 

As a good example, you could be happy one day and feeling loved and warm, and then not get any sleep that night and wake up thinking no one cares and angry with the world! Well...which is it? Are you loved or does no one care? Guess what? YOUR feelings are based on what YOU decide to focus on! You may feel unloved, not because your unloveable, but because that's what you were told as a kid and your self-esteem is low. You may "feel" it because you are focusing on what you were told as a kid rather than focusing on the many ways that your husband and family show you that they love and value you. 

Soooooo...do not fall into the trap of thinking that because you and Prandsome Hince "locked eyes" that you to are "in love." That's ridiculous. You've never seen him at his worst. You haven't seen him yell at you or fight with you. You haven't seen his holey underwear. You haven't seen him be afraid or blame you. You don't KNOW him! You looked and he looked and you made up a WHOLE BUNCH OF STUFF that you focused on, and now you have an emotion because of it. 

If you truly do want to feel love for your husband and save your marriage and family, then FOCUS ON HIM. Look at him in the morning, and think of a positive, loving thought. Did he cuddle you at night? Did that feel good? Smile at him! When he wakes up in the morning does he bring you coffee? Wow, that's love! Does he try to help you in the morning--like making you breakfast or helping get the kids off to school? Wow--that's kind. Thank him. Does he call or text you during the day? Think of him and text him something you love about him--or something you enjoy about him--or how looking in HIS eyes makes you feel. Does he help with dinner, or do dishes, or help with the kids' homework or bedtime? WOW he's trying! Appreciate it. Does he let you have a break at night? Does he provide a home and food for the family? Can you buy Christmas gifts this year? Does he come home at night instead of staying out with the boys and drinking? THINK of 100 things you like about him. THINK of your memories together. Put your mind--your FOCUS--on the man whom YOU committed to love until you died. 

What you have with Pransome Hince is nothing but Limerence--look it up on Google.  Limerence: 8 Signs, Stages + How It Differs From Love | mindbodygreen

*2) Your feelings are YOUR job and choice, not his.* Often I run into people who have this notion that it's up to other people to "make them feel loved" or "make them happy." As I mentioned above, feelings come and feelings go, and in healthy relationships, it's not up to any outside party or anyone to "make" the other feel. Your feelings come from you! 

For example, remember up above when I mentioned the example of being told as a kid that you weren't loveable? When a kid hears their parents say that to them, they usually grow up with pretty low self-esteem...and they look to others to fulfill that desire to be loved. You know where you get the feeling of being loved? From YOURSELF. You feel loved when you know in your heart of hearts that you are worthy of being treated with kindness and respect. You feel loved when you know you are valuable. You love yourself, in a healthy way. When you look to others to "make you feel loved", it is a never-ending hole that can never be filled. But when you look to yourself to "love yourself more" then you are able to accept and appreciate the love that people do give to you--or see when others are not treating you in a loving way and let them go. 

In your case, @LifeisLove , I don't know you or your husband...nor this guy you "locked eyes with"...but I DO know that what you have going there is 100% pure fantasy and has nothing to do with reality whatsoever. You may have things about yourself that you need to look at, like: "Do I love myself or do I feel like I'm not enough?" "Do I feel like I'm getting older and losing my looks?" "Do I feel like my husband doesn't notice me anymore?" See...these kinds of thoughts and feelings all have to do with YOU and how you view yourself, and thus the way to "fix" these thoughts and feelings is to work on yourself. You could see a counselor. You could go to a ladies self-esteem group. You could meet with a lady mentor who's a little older than you are. You could get a self-esteem workbook and work on yourself..and your own issues. But NONE of this relates to something your hubby or eye-lock-guy "make" you feel. It's all you.

Now, I do know that marriages don't go bad in a vacuum. I also know your husband isn't perfect. I'm sure things have been done or said on both sides that have created an environment that weakens the marriage. But that being said, it is hubby's job to work on himself to be the best man and husband and father he can be--and it is YOUR job to work on YOURSELF to be the best woman and wife and mother you can be. That is what creates a strong, long-lasting marriage. Each person is responsible for themself AND responsible for the promise they made to forsake all others. Your marriage vow was to take the time to learn how to love him (your husband), in a way that he feels and understands love, until your final breath. You didn't promise "for him to love you" and you do nothing. Your promise was about you and how you would act. 

Now is the time to honor your promise. Love One Man. 

I hope this helps and if you have questions, I'm willing to talk more...just ask.


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> Way too harsh IMHO. Nothing has actually happened here. The OP has not done anything wrong or acted with any malfeasance.
> 
> If what she is saying is true, then she has actually been putting forth considerable effort to avoid things happening with this guy and she has reached out here seeking help and advice.
> 
> ...





oldshirt said:


> Way too harsh IMHO. Nothing has actually happened here. The OP has not done anything wrong or acted with any malfeasance.
> 
> If what she is saying is true, then she has actually been putting forth considerable effort to avoid things happening with this guy and she has reached out here seeking help and advice.
> 
> ...





Affaircare said:


> @LifeisLove , you wrote:
> 
> 
> Hi! @Rus47 mentioned my name and called me here, so I'm going to make an attempt to help. For a little background, I am a former wayward spouse, and by that I mean that I had an online affair when I was married to my second husband (he passed away in 2017, and I've since remarried). So in some ways I understand your thoughts and feelings a little bit, having "been there, done that."
> ...


thank you!!!!


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

LifeisLove said:


> thank you!!!!





LifeisLove said:


> thank you!!!!


Actually I our relationship was more like that in the begin. But we got over that honeymoon period and growth period


LifeisLove said:


> thank you!!!!


We had our honeymoon phase then grew up. I go through the emotions you mentioned. My husband had an affair as well, I caught him via phone messages. I didn’t want to say anything because I didn’t want him to be judged.
Since his affair he is a changed man, he helps with everything you questioned and I mean everything. Does everything you mentioned. He tells me he loves me, he does things for me, makes breakfast for me, provides for us, well I work too. But I think I still haven’t forgotten and forgiven him. I think when I found out he cheated on me, a part of my heart died for him. He cheated because we were stressing about something his brother was doing and I didn’t agree with it and it built a lot of issues between us.

but that doesn’t mean I wanted to cheat on him, I don’t. I think I just haven’t been able to love him the way I use too. I try really Ido, but I can’t even look in his eyes or make eye contact with him when his talking to me. Because I still have resentment. I’m also very short with him


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

LifeisLove said:


> Actually I our relationship was more like that in the begin. But we got over that honeymoon period and growth period
> 
> We had our honeymoon phase then grew up. I go through the emotions you mentioned. My husband had an affair as well, I caught him via phone messages. I didn’t want to say anything because I didn’t want him to be judged.
> Since his affair he is a changed man, he helps with everything you questioned and I mean everything. Does everything you mentioned. He tells me he loves me, he does things for me, makes breakfast for me, provides for us, well I work too. But I think I still haven’t forgotten and forgiven him. I think when I found out he cheated on me, a part of my heart died for him. He cheated because we were stressing about something his brother was doing and I didn’t agree with it and it built a lot of issues between us.
> ...


This is like pealing back the onion. You should have mentioned this up front. It doesn't change the fact that you should remain faithful, but it does paint a different picture. Does your husband know you haven't fully moved on? How long ago was his affair and how long did it last? Do you feel like this is effecting the way you are thinking about your co-worker?

How do you think your husband would respond to you coming to him with what is going on in your mind? It would seem to me that if there has been infidelity and lying in the past, by either partner, it makes it even more important to be as transparent and open with each other.


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> This is like pealing back the onion. You should have mentioned this up front. It doesn't change the fact that you should remain faithful, but it does paint a different picture. Does your husband know you haven't fully moved on? How long ago was his affair and how long did it last? Do you feel like this is effecting the way you are thinking about your co-worker?
> 
> How do you think your husband would respond to you coming to him with what is going on in your mind? It would seem to me that if there has been infidelity and lying in the past, by either partner, it makes it even more important to be as transparent and open with each other.


My husband knows that I’m not over it! And I don’t know how long it went on, I didn’t ask any questions and said I was leaving! He begged and cried for me to stay..I stayed for our kids. Things are better but not 100% also I don’t want to do what my husband did.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

LifeisLove said:


> My husband knows that I’m not over it! And I don’t know how long it went on, I didn’t ask any questions and said I was leaving! He begged and cried for me to stay..I stayed for our kids. Things are better but not 100% also I don’t want to do what my husband did.


How long ago did it end, and did it end because you caught him or he ended it on his own? Does he still have any contact with her? I know this isn't what you were seeking help with, but I think it factors in. It sounds like you just swept it under the rug. That is not usually a good way to deal with infidelity. 

I'm very happy to see that you don't want to make the same stupid choices he made. Do you think the lingering resentment has factored into your feeling for the co-worker?


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> How long ago did it end, and did it end because you caught him or he ended it on his own? Does he still have any contact with her? I know this isn't what you were seeking help with, but I think it factors in. It sounds like you just swept it under the rug. That is not usually a good way to deal with infidelity.
> 
> I'm very happy to see that you don't want to make the same stupid choices he made. Do you think the lingering resentment has factored into your feeling for the co-worker?


I don’t know how long it went on for…it ended because I caught it. I don’t think so, this was about 2.5 years ago. Even after it ended I had no intention of ever cheating on him.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

LifeisLove said:


> My husband knows that I’m not over it! And I don’t know how long it went on, I didn’t ask any questions and said I was leaving! He begged and cried for me to stay..I stayed for our kids. Things are better but not 100% also I don’t want to do what my husband did.


Do you lied when you said he’s amazing. He actually seems horrible. You’d probably better off single.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Why didn’t you ask any questions?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

LifeisLove said:


> I don’t know how long it went on for…it ended because I caught it. I don’t think so, this was about 2.5 years ago. Even after it ended I had no intention of ever cheating on him.


How do you think your husband would respond to you coming to him with what is going on in your mind? Possibly even linking in the fact that you know what it feels like to be cheated on and you don't want to inflict that on him.


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

Hi 


snowbum said:


> Do you lied when you said he’s amazing. He actually seems horrible. You’d probably better off single.


His an amazing guy who made a mistake.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

LifeisLove said:


> I don’t know how long it went on for…it ended because I caught it. I don’t think so, this was about 2.5 years ago. Even after it ended I had no intention of ever cheating on him.


wow you never asked for details? and now you cannot look your husband in the eyes? I think if you are in a loving relationship, looking into that lover's eyes is huge.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

LifeisLove said:


> Hi
> 
> His an amazing guy who made a mistake.


What is it you want out of all this?


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> What is it you want out of all this?


To have her cake and eat it, too? Kinda sounds like that.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

@LifeisLove so. googled it. 

-Eye contact between a man and woman (heterosexual) can cause people to synchronize their blinking and fired up their right interior front gyrus once they established eye contact; this binds people into a singular conected system
-"we know that shared attention is hard to establish without eye contact" (glamour story re japanese study of eye contact)
-gazing into your partner's eyes increases trust and intimacy (healthline)
-"Arousal is a two-way street" --- arousal is significantly enhanced while participants are making eye contact
-Making eye contact creates a calming, connected state of being that, after 30 to 60 seconds, triggers oxytocin; as we experience this chemical release each time eye contact is maintained, thos small bossts add up to a sustained good feeling -- (whole being institute)

So... you are having strong eye contact with this co-worker but also you are not able to look into your husband's eyes when you are talking to him....


-


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Longtime Hubby said:


> To have her cake and eat it, too? Kinda sounds like that.


I think she could just go ahead and have that if she wanted, yes? Why bother posting here if that is what she wants?


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

uwe.blab said:


> I think she could just go ahead and have that if she wanted, yes? Why bother posting here if that is what she wants?


looking for validation? If total strangers are cool with it, time to get it on?


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Longtime Hubby said:


> looking for validation? If total strangers are cool with it, time to get it on?


Did you even read her opening post...?? She doesn't want that at all.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

LisaDiane said:


> Did you even read her opening post...?? She doesn't want that at all.


yes, i read her opening post! Sheesh. That’s what she says. Then why keep going on and on? All this about longing gazes, averting eyes, etc. Either boff him or move along.


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> How do you think your husband would respond to you coming to him with what is going on in your mind? Possibly even linking in the fact that you know what it feels like to be cheated on and you don't want to inflict that on him.


My husband is not a horrible person he made a mistake


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

You don’t mistakenly have sex with someone you aren’t married to.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Longtime Hubby said:


> looking for validation? If total strangers are cool with it, time to get it on?


who is cool with it? everyone here is encouraging her to stay away from this guy....


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

uwe.blab said:


> who is cool with it? everyone here is encouraging her to stay away from this guy....


I Asked if she is looking for validation from total strangers


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

uwe.blab said:


> wow you never asked for details? and now you cannot look your husband in the eyes? I think if you are in a loving relationship, looking into that lover's eyes is huge.


I always try!!! I truly do


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> What is it you want out of all this?


I don’t want to do what my husband did. That’s why I’m here. For myself


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

I liked everything else you guys said to me without finding out he cheated on me


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

But that’s huge. It does affect your actions. What he did has consequences. What he did not the mark of a great guy.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

I adore my husband. I think he’s amazing I wouldn’t if he cheated. It would ruin my opinion of him


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

snowbum said:


> I adore my husband. I think he’s amazing I wouldn’t if he cheated. It would ruin my opinion of him


Yes it has, but I decided to give him a chance. I mean I don’t look at him the same way but someday I hope I I will. We spend lots more time together


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

snowbum said:


> I adore my husband. I think he’s amazing I wouldn’t if he cheated. It would ruin my opinion of him


I won’t leave him, for my kids. I have to work on this marriage. But I want the OM OUT OF MY HEAD


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

LifeisLove said:


> I won’t leave him, for my kids. I have to work on this marriage. But I want the OM OUT OF MY HEAD


Gotta quit cold turkey. Focus thoughts you have for OM on your hubby.


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

uwe.blab said:


> who is cool with it? everyone here is encouraging her to stay away from this guy....


Yes that’s what I want! To stay away from the other guy


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

LifeisLove said:


> Yes that’s what I want! To stay away from the other guy


What prevents you from doing that?
What do you need to make that happen?


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> What prevents you from doing that?
> What do you need to make that happen?


Well what you all said through the thread was encouraging me to stay away from him.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

LifeisLove said:


> Well what you all said through the thread was encouraging me to stay away from him.


Maybe the question is how do you accomplish staying away from him? If you work in the same facility, won't you still encounter him from time to time? 

Maybe I have this all wrong, but your revelation that your husband cheated on you and the impact that had and is having on your relations with him makes this whole thing much more complex than you being infatuated with a guy where you work. So if the "eye guy" left the scene tomorrow, there are still thousands of other potential suitors in your city, one of whom could "have you" at "hello". Your "not wanting that" and "wanting your husband and family" is in your head but you are still vulnerable to seek comfort elsewhere.

So somehow all of this has to be processed and resolved with your husband. In other words, you are still dealing with his infidelity and the two of you are not reconciled, if that is even possible.


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> Maybe the question is how do you accomplish staying away from him? If you work in the same facility, won't you still encounter him from time to time?
> 
> Maybe I have this all wrong, but your revelation that your husband cheated on you and the impact that had and is having on your relations with him makes this whole thing much more complex than you being infatuated with a guy where you work. So if the "eye guy" left the scene tomorrow, there are still thousands of other potential suitors in your city, one of whom could "have you" at "hello". Your "not wanting that" and "wanting your husband and family" is in your head but you are still vulnerable to seek comfort elsewhere.
> 
> So somehow all of this has to be processed and resolved with your husband. In other words, you are still dealing with his infidelity and the two of you are not reconciled, if that is even possible.


No we will not see each other ever after this project is over. I can make that happen but not until the project is over which is next month.

I don’t think I can 💯 ever forgive and forget. I talk to him about his cheating when I think about it. He knows he messed. I will have to deal with this in my head for life because I am not leaving him! We have amazing kids that need both their parents. I will do anything for my kids, I will give yo my happiness if needed.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

That’s really sad. You realize your kids will go on and you will be secondary? They can love you as much married as divorced? It’s easy to see partners that don’t love each other and prettt cringe. Why put yourself through that? You didn’t ask him anything so he’s probably not remorseful. He knows you’ll take what ever crap he serves. Quite sad.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Youll give your kids anything except a truly happy mom.


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

snowbum said:


> That’s really sad. You realize your kids will go on and you will be secondary? They can love you as much married as divorced? It’s easy to see partners that don’t love each other and prettt cringe. Why put yourself through that? You didn’t ask him anything so he’s probably not remorseful. He knows you’ll take what ever crap he serves. Quite sad.


No, I told him what the the deal is and he knows. He is actually remorseful. He does care, spends time with me. His a good guy who messed up. I do love him! And I know he loves me.


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

snowbum said:


> Youll give your kids anything except a truly happy mom.


Well, sometimes you have to give and take! I think I will learn to love my husband again. He has been trying to make up for it. He still has a lot of work to do but his trying.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

LifeisLove said:


> No, I told him what the the deal is and he knows. He is actually remorseful. He does care, spends time with me. His a good guy who messed up. I do love him! And I know he loves me.


It sounds like you are susceptible to fantasizing about this co-worker because your husband's cheating damaged your sense of connection and loyalty to eachother, which is exactly why cheating is so damaging. You NEED to deal with your feelings about what happened in order to heal from them, so if you need to find a counselor to help you, that needs to be a priority, FOR YOUR MARRIAGE.

In the meantime, you need to use all of your self-control in your own mind and IGNORE the fake feelings you have about this other man. You need to force yourself to make him meaningless to you...and you always remember that he isn't the man you want at all. Do not entertain any thoughts or fantasies about him, and keep your mind on the man who you really love and want, and create the marriage that will make you happy. It takes WORK...but everything that has value to you is worth it.


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

LisaDiane said:


> It sounds like you are susceptible to fantasizing about this co-worker because your husband's cheating damaged your sense of connection and loyalty to eachother, which is exactly why cheating is so damaging. You NEED to deal with your feelings about what happened in order to heal from them, so if you need to find a counselor to help you, that needs to be a priority, FOR YOUR MARRIAGE.
> 
> In the meantime, you need to use all of your self-control in your own mind and IGNORE the fake feelings you have about this other man. You need to force yourself to make him meaningless to you...and you always remember that he isn't the man you want at all. Do not entertain any thoughts or fantasies about him, and keep your mind on the man who you really love and want, and create the marriage that will make you happy.  It takes WORK...but everything that has value to you is worth it.


Thank you!


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Did your husband cheat at work?


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

snowbum said:


> Did your husband cheat at work?


No! He works from home.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

LifeisLove said:


> His an amazing guy who made a mistake.





LifeisLove said:


> My husband is not a horrible person he made a mistake





LifeisLove said:


> I won’t leave him, for my kids. I have to work on this marriage. But I want the OM OUT OF MY HEAD


So have you told your husband yet? With the new revelation that he cheated this admission could be even more beneficial to your relationship.

That said if you are 'just staying for the kids' then you are modeling a dysfunctional, damaged relationship for your children and they will emulate that when they are grown.
You both need to get your **** straight (like with counseling) if you plan on staying together. Your kids will know if you don't, you can't fake it.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

LifeisLove said:


> No no, what I meant was, when this started I was weak, for him! If he made a bigger move then, I don’t know if I would have been able to resist. So he could have had me then! And I think he knew that. But now, he can’t! Because my eyes are open and I know this is alllllll wrong and I don’t want it. I want my husband and family.


Someone who has a moral compass, knows who they are, has set firm boundaries for themselves, don't struggle with something like this to the degree that you are.

You can say you want your husband and family, but all it's going to take is this man giving you any attention and making a pass at you and you'll give in to these advances and your emotional affair will turn physical and down the rabbit hole you'll go because you'll be Jonesing for this guy night and day because this is what you want.

HUGE difference between a want and a need. You don't know the difference because your decision process is being driven by your emotions. You know how easy it is to see how lost you are? You keep saying you made a mistake. You haven't made a "mistake" but what you have done is made countless choices to think about this man when you should've stopped yourself EVERY.SINGLE.TIME and reminded yourself who you are and what you have to lose. Instead you've fed the beast and this emotional affair has grown and grown in your mind to where it's out of control because you didn't shut it down. Now you think you're "weak"?? It's much worse then that.

If you can't control your thought process, and you truly value your husband and don't want to blow up your marriage and family, why don't you quit this job and find a new one so you're not around this guy. It would be a start. Then get yourself into therapy to fix what's broken in you because if you don't there's going to be another guy.


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

Rubix Cubed said:


> So have you told your husband yet? With the new revelation that he cheated this admission could be even more beneficial to your relationship.
> 
> That said if you are 'just staying for the kids' then you are modeling a dysfunctional, damaged relationship for your children and they will emulate that when they are grown.
> You both need to get your **** straight (like with counseling) if you plan on staying together. Your kids will know if you don't, you can't fake it.


No I’m staying for my kids but I still love my husband as well. I haven’t told him yet


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

I can't see how telling your husband will be of any value to help you get this guy out of your head. 

It might only serve to get him jealous, but it doesn't help YOUR problem. 

I'm curious. You said he could have had you early on if he would have made the next move....That you were weak...

I çant imagine how a gaze from a stranger could make you want to screw him. ?

I honestly think you should talk to a professional , not this forum to figure out why you were so WEAK...

And what to do when it happens again


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## FakeNews001 (2 mo ago)

I think telling your husband will definitely help in breaking up the fog in your head. His anger will clear things right up.


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

Jimi007 said:


> I can't see how telling your husband will be of any value to help you get this guy out of your head.
> 
> It might only serve to get him jealous, but it doesn't help YOUR problem.
> 
> ...


Thank you, maybe you are right! Maybe if I talk to a professional and talk to them about everything maybe they can tell me my weakness and I can work on it.


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

I'm probably a bit off here - I think you should look up "fantasy" and "infatuation"
My thinking is you are succumbing to either/both because of your rift with husband brought about by his affair. I would call that situation normal (leaving off the rest)

I had the same happen to me some years ago - exact scenario you have painted.
I also knew I didn't want to pull the plug - so I immersed my head into activities that required
mental focus. One for physical exercise - chain sawing a truckload of logs and then manually splitting for the fireplace. Then when inside - pound on a piano. 

Point is - you have to do this dissociation process all by yourself.

Another point is to think of all the consequences when your dalliances get exposed. Note that the "electricity" between you two has been noticed by others at work.


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

ShatteredKat said:


> I'm probably a bit off here - I think you should look up "fantasy" and "infatuation"
> My thinking is you are succumbing to either/both because of your rift with husband brought about by his affair. I would call that situation normal (leaving off the rest)
> 
> I had the same happen to me some years ago - exact scenario you have painted.
> ...


So that’s exactly what I have been doing focusing on stuff around the house, I can’t cut wood but I can do other stuff. How long did it take you to get out of it? I have been doing good by just keeping my head down.


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

LifeisLove said:


> So that’s exactly what I have been doing focusing on stuff around the house, I can’t cut wood but I can do other stuff. How long did it take you to get out of it? I have been doing good by just keeping my head down.


Yes people have noticed, I know that for sure.


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## Amanhasnoname (Apr 1, 2021)

LifeisLove said:


> I do feel grossed out, feelings are feelings, you can’t erase it. I’m trying to find a way to not have them.* My guilt is for my husband, I love him and don’t want to think of another man. I want to not think this way.*


Then don't....it's as simple as that.

If you want to see something that will turn out anything but simple keep encouraging this guy with longing looks. Before long he will be even more enboldened and before you know it you will be sliding down the slippery slope of infidelity.

Cheating in a marriage has been likened to pulling the pin out of a hand grenade and tossing it into the middle of your loving family, that's how much damage will be done.
Forget all this B/S you read in magazines about affairs making marriages stronger, it's nonsense. You only need to read some of the posts on this site to see the absolutely crippling heartbreak and family wrecking it causes.

So now the balls in your court....what will you do with it?

Edit.
I posted this before I read the full thread.
I see now that your husband has cheated on you, I'm so sorry about that.
There's a lot more to be worked through in your marriage than I originally thought!

However I still stand by what I wrote above. An affair is never to the way to make you feel better, hold on to your own high morals and hold your head high.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

LifeisLove said:


> Yes people have noticed, I know that for sure.


Has there been any other girl rooting g you on and encouraging you? You go girl?


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

Amanhasnoname said:


> Then don't....it's as simple as that.
> 
> If you want to see something that will turn out anything but simple keep encouraging this guy with longing looks. Before long he will be even more enboldened and before you know it you will be sliding down the slippery slope of infidelity.
> 
> ...


That’s weird, what magazines say that cheating makes marriages stronger, in my experience, I’m still putting the pieces back together. I don’t want to do what my husband did to me. I’m making crazy moves to not make any contact with this guys after this project.


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

Divinely Favored said:


> Has there been any other girl rooting g you on and encouraging you? You go girl?


No one has said anything to me, I’ve just heard people talk. Like is there something going on with so and so…I also am very respected at work and I don’t want to taint that either. I have a lot to lose if I go down this path! My family is the biggest! That’s why I want out…I think I should have got rid of this along time ago


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

LifeisLove said:


> No one has said anything to me, I’ve just heard people talk. Like is there something going on with so and so…I also am very respected at work and I don’t want to taint that either. I have a lot to lose if I go down this path! My family is the biggest! That’s why I want out…I think I should have got rid of this along time ago


Yes, you should have.

Fact people are talking it has already started to do damage to your reputation.

I know if I saw 2 co-workers that had eye contact like that, thing that comes to my mind it they HAVE BEEN hooking up and are trying to avoid each other at work so not to confirm it to the team, since they are married.

I bet there are some that are believing y'all have already been doing the deed and talking to others as such.


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

Divinely Favored said:


> Yes, you should have.
> 
> Fact people are talking it has already started to do damage to your reputation.
> 
> ...


I agree with all of the above! I’m sure people think we are sleeping together.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

LifeisLove said:


> I agree with all of the above! I’m sure people think we are sleeping together.


Oh goodness. It's that much huh? 

Then, and I am not saying this part is all your fault, you are having trouble looking your husband in the eye (presumably due to the trauma of his affair...) Is this correct?


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

uwe.blab said:


> Oh goodness. It's that much huh?
> 
> Then, and I am not saying this part is all your fault, you are having trouble looking your husband in the eye (presumably due to the trauma of his affair...) Is this correct?


Yes, I mean, since then I’ve been working through my resentment and trying to working on our marriage. It’s getting better slowly.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

LifeisLove said:


> Yes, I mean, since then I’ve been working through my resentment and trying to working on our marriage. It’s getting better slowly.


I think I would have trouble looking my wife in the eye if she had cheated on me. And I never look my ex-wife in the eyes -- I try to avoid her at all times but we do have kids so it's not possible to NEVER see her. 

I think it makes sense that you are struggling with this.


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

uwe.blab said:


> I think I would have trouble looking my wife in the eye if she had cheated on me. And I never look my ex-wife in the eyes -- I try to avoid her at all times but we do have kids so it's not possible to NEVER see her.
> 
> I think it makes sense that you are struggling with this.


Thank you, I thought it was me who couldn’t look my husband in the eyes! I’m trying my best too. His trying as well.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

LifeisLove said:


> Thank you, I thought it was me who couldn’t look my husband in the eyes! I’m trying my best too. His trying as well.


For what is worth, right now everything is just in your head. It's just you alone. This type of thing with infatuations does happens, but they in time fade away. I read some posts where you are being advice to tell your husband. My advice to you is DON"T. I will help you none (at this stage), and it just might make things worse for the marriage. There's a lot of people here that have been betrayed; consequently, their approach sometimes is not the best do to their hostility to anything they might consider infidelity. If this infatuation continues, and it doesn't abates, and starts to affect your marriage; he's already perceiving that something is wrong, and you know that you might take the plunge if this other dude all of the sudden grabs you by the hand, and tells you...let's go, I want you, and you follow. If you are at this stage now, then yes, it would be time to sit down with your husband and tell him what's going on, and take it from there. In the meantime, just battle it out in your head.

I could be wrong, but I don't think that this is related to your husband past infidelity, or is it?


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

Rob_1 said:


> For what is worth, right now everything is just in your head. It's just you alone. This type of thing with infatuations does happens, but they in time fade away. I read some posts where you are being advice to tell your husband. My advice to you is DON"T. I will help you none (at this stage), and it just might make things worse for the marriage. There's a lot of people here that have been betrayed; consequently, their approach sometimes is not the best do to their hostility to anything they might consider infidelity. If this infatuation continues, and it doesn't abates, and starts to affect your marriage; he's already perceiving that something is wrong, and you know that you might take the plunge if this other dude all of the sudden grabs you by the hand, and tells you...let's go, I want you, and you follow. If you are at this stage now, then yes, it would be time to sit down with your husband and tell him what's going on, and take it from there. In the meantime, just battle it out in your head.
> 
> I could be wrong, but I don't think that this is related to your husband past infidelity, or is it?


No, I’m just trying to get myself from doing something wrong.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

I disagree. I think the affair is not an excuse for her infatuation, but is certainly related. She said she is struggling to even look her husband in the eyes when she talks to him.


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

uwe.blab said:


> I disagree. I think the affair is not an excuse for her infatuation, but is certainly related. She said she is struggling to even look her husband in the eyes when she talks to him.


This has been like this for a while.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

LifeisLove said:


> I agree with all of the above! I’m sure people think we are sleeping together.


People are talking and it will get back to him. There may be no stopping it, get this quashed immediately. It may still 6 mo down the road someone bring up to him about his wife's affair at work. Get this nipped STAT!


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Telling the husband is twofold.

First, You are actually being honest and forthcoming instead of lying (lies of mission ARE lying) and hiding things. Odds are good he'll eventually hear about it and you are then at zero on the trust scale. Telling him earns you that trust.

Second, Telling him will force this fantasy world into reality and you will discover how dangerous and maybe even silly all of it was.

Not telling him let's you keep doing what you're doing and even come back to it or extend it to another person. It also keeps deceit and lies in your marriage. If your husband knows he'll keep this in check because you have stated in this thread you don't have the ability to control it yourself.
In addition maybe a little jealousy on his part will make him more aware of what he almost drove away and lost.


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

yep! I’m working on it


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

LifeisLove said:


> I agree with all of the above! I’m sure people think we are sleeping together.


Wow, you 2 have been that bad? That could bow up both of your jobs. Also you could be secretly outed by a coworker to your spouses.

I know you’re having a hard time with forgiving your husband. Even if he’s doing the work to show his love and loyalty through his actions, it can sometimes be too much to move forward. Whether it was your lack of connection with your husband or if eye gazer is hot stuff and you were going to be into him regardless, it is still wrong and you realize it.

Since you have questions about his affair, you should have him right a timeline of the affair. How they met, how long, did they have sex, did he spend family money on her, did he tell her he loved her. We’re there any other betrayals? Etc. then have him do a poly to prove his truthfulness. You can’t really forgive if you don’t know what you’re actually forgiving.


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## LifeisLove (1 mo ago)

jsmart said:


> Wow, you 2 have been that bad? That could bow up both of your jobs. Also you could be secretly outed by a coworker to your spouses.
> 
> I know you’re having a hard time with forgiving your husband. Even if he’s doing the work to show his love and loyalty through his actions, it can sometimes be too much to move forward. Whether it was your lack of connection with your husband or if eye gazer is hot stuff and you were going to be into him regardless, it is still wrong and you realize it.
> 
> Since you have questions about his affair, you should have him right a timeline of the affair. How they met, how long, did they have sex, did he spend family money on her, did he tell her he loved her. We’re there any other betrayals? Etc. then have him do a poly to prove his truthfulness. You can’t really forgive if you don’t know what you’re actually forgiving.


I’ve been doing good keeping the other guy out of my mind. 
the thing is, if I find out everything about my husbands affair, I will never forgive him. What I don’t know is a mystery to me and I don’t think of those things. I just know he had An affair. If I find out everything, I will throw it in his face and torcher myself with it. i know my husband regrets it, and is giving his 100%. I’m still working through things. I’m not sure if this other person was meant to be or not, even if my husband didn’t have an affair. I have never looked at another man, before this guy, and I’m not even sure why it happened to me. I don’t want it.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

LifeisLove said:


> I’ve been doing good keeping the other guy out of my mind.
> the thing is, if I find out everything about my husbands affair, I will never forgive him. What I don’t know is a mystery to me and I don’t think of those things. I just know he had An affair. If I find out everything, I will throw it in his face and torcher myself with it. i know my husband regrets it, and is giving his 100%. I’m still working through things. *I’m not sure if this other person was meant to be* or not, even if my husband didn’t have an affair. I have never looked at another man, before this guy, and I’m not even sure why it happened to me. I don’t want it.


Not knowing the details has you imaging that it was intense affair. What if it wasn’t? What if he was timid, guilt ridden, and it never got to sex? You know your husband better than anyone. What does your gut tell you? Is he really a player forcing himself to be “good” for fear of divorce?

As for eye gazer, he is not your destiny. You shouldn’t even let that idea into your head. Follow the logic of that thought. Are your kids a mistake? Those kids only come from your husband. Do you want to fantasize about the idea of meeting this guy first ? Then those kids won’t exist. Protect your heart and your mind. Letting your feelings lead you can end up filling your head with thoughts that could have you to regretting the most beautiful thing in your life.


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## Leeame (Apr 13, 2021)

Ask your coworker if he feels the same as you. 
Perhaps you have found your soulmate. Life is short and living out of obligation is oppressive. 
If your coworker says it's nothing you can move on and forget it. 
If he indeed shares your soul reaching feelings you can think about whether it's something you need to pursue at which point you can be honest with your husband and then take steps to move forward with dignity.


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