# Why is the Infidelity Section on TAM popular?



## Amyd (Nov 12, 2012)

I've been on TAM for a brief period and I've notice that the Infidelity Section has the second largest amount of viewers (Sex being the most.) 

How come the other threads that don't have to deal with cheating or sex aren't as popular?

Wouldn't it be proactive to spend lots of time nurturing healthy marriages than figuring out what to do once the marriage gets in trouble?


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## Amyd (Nov 12, 2012)

*Tumbleweeds*

Guess I'll go take a peek at the Infidelity section.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Well, a lot of the viewers are people searching the internet looking for help because their spouse is cheating.

They find this site and start reading, looking for a story that may fight theirs.


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## Amyd (Nov 12, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Well, a lot of the viewers are people searching the internet looking for help because their spouse is cheating.
> 
> They find this site and start reading, looking for a story that may fight theirs.


It makes sense. I didn't join this site for that reason. I'm lucky in the sense cheating isn't one of the issues in my marriage.

There's other issues but that isn't one of them. I just want to figure out ways how not to let my emotional issues ruin my marriage.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Which emotional issues are those?


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## Amyd (Nov 12, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Which emotional issues are those?


I suffer from BPD, anxiety with obsessional thoughts and depression. 

(I'm a real barrel of laughs.)


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Are you in therapy for it all?


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## Amyd (Nov 12, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Are you in therapy for it all?


I was. And I probably should get back into therapy but I'm sort of avoiding it at the moment.

Recently, I stopped all my psychiatric medications and I'm trying to find different ways to deal with my problems but I'm having a bit of a hard time.


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Amy,
Please see your doctor soonest. If you stopped all your meds without your doctor's advice, you are asking for trouble. My STBXW is very likely BPD as well. I know from experience. Your next "medicine" will be alcohol, drugs, or other men. With BPD if infidelity isn't a problem in your relationship, it may very well become one. Please get yourself into some form of therapy ASAP.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Don't stop therapy. At all. I can see going off the meds, but dont' stop therapy. Find someone who treats personality disorders.


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## Amyd (Nov 12, 2012)

Married in VA said:


> Amy,
> Please see your doctor soonest. If you stopped all your meds without your doctor's advice, you are asking for trouble. My STBXW is very likely BPD as well. I know from experience. Your next "medicine" will be alcohol, drugs, or other men. With BPD if infidelity isn't a problem in your relationship, it may very well become one. Please get yourself into some form of therapy ASAP.


No worries. I withdrew from the medication slowly and under the guidance of my psychiatrist. 

I've been meditating and that has helped. Exercise helps. But one Thanksgiving Day dinner with my mom has set me back a bit.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Triggers.

Get back into therapy and learn how to deal with the triggers.


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## Amyd (Nov 12, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Triggers.
> 
> Get back into therapy and learn how to deal with the triggers.


You're right.


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## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

Amyd said:


> I've been on TAM for a brief period and I've notice that the Infidelity Section has the second largest amount of viewers (Sex being the most.)
> 
> How come the other threads that don't have to deal with cheating or sex aren't as popular?
> 
> Wouldn't it be proactive to spend lots of time nurturing healthy marriages than figuring out what to do once the marriage gets in trouble?


I would imagine that those are probably two of biggest issues people have when coming here. For myself, I was already working and overcame most of my major issues regarding sex before I found this site, but still like to read and learn from others when possible. I read all areas of the forum but only reply to the things I've experienced.

Of course it would be proactive to nurture a healthy marriage instead of when a marriage gets into trouble but life happens and many end up here for a variety of reasons


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## StoneAngel (Oct 10, 2012)

How did you think TAM would help?
Are you looking for more understanding about your clinical conditions and there management? 
Are you looking to gain more understanding on how these conditions impact your husband and relationship?
Are you looking for a way to vent all the chaos and frustration these conditions cause for you and all the internal turmoil?

Maybe if you know what it is you are seeking and why, you will find the appropriate Sections and Threads.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

The answer to the original question is in trying to deal with infidelity it helps to discuss it with people who have gone through it. Talking about it with friends and family can be difficult as they have a relationship with your spouse as well. Not to mention if they haven't gone through it they can spout off all kinds of advice much of which has no basis in reality. Sometimes the only person who understands is someone who has experienced it themselves.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Just a sign of the times we live I believe.

We live in a very sexed up world... turn on the TV or the computer, pic up a magazine, look up in the city and see a billboard.

Sexy and beautiful perfect bodies are everywhere... 

Easy for (some) folk to think there is something better or that there getting short changed.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Amyd said:


> I've been on TAM for a brief period and I've notice that the Infidelity Section has the second largest amount of viewers (Sex being the most.)
> 
> How come the other threads that don't have to deal with cheating or sex aren't as popular?
> 
> Wouldn't it be proactive to spend lots of time nurturing healthy marriages than figuring out what to do once the marriage gets in trouble?


I wondered the same thing when I started. Because I didn't find this board due to any negative issues in my marriage, I initially thought TAM was a great forum to talk about marriage, love, and relationships in general; a great sounding board for all aspects of marriage, including the positive.

It didn't take long to realize that the majority of the posts here are about people who mostly have very serious, very painful problems with their marriage, infidelity being chief amongst them. I learned that the easiest way to get a thread pushed to the bottom of a page is to make a positive, pro-marriage or pro-spouse thread. Those attract almost no attention.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Possibly because a large percentage of people on TAM are dealing with this very issue, OP.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Well I can honestly say I wish I would have never had the need for it.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Amyd said:


> I was. And I probably should get back into therapy but I'm sort of avoiding it at the moment.
> 
> Recently, I stopped all my psychiatric medications and I'm trying to find different ways to deal with my problems but I'm having a bit of a hard time.


I really think your approach is to be applauded. My sister has BPD but she doesn’t have the awareness you have so I think she’ll forever be medicated.

CBT is really the way to go. In that people with PD’s of one kind or another generally have a somewhat skewed way of thinking, CBT can rectify that.



Increase your level of awareness by reading Awareness: The Perils and Opportunities of Reality: Anthony De Mello, J. Francis Stroud: 9780385249379: Amazon.com: Books. All of your behaviour is associated with your ego. You have an ego mind consciousness which dictates your behaviour. The author of the book will help you find your observer consciousness and you’ll find that simply by observing yourself your behaviour will start to change for the better. Others here with similar challenges to yourself have benefited greatly from the book.



People with personality disorders have poor boundaries, so read books associated with boundaries.



Also people with personality disorders sometimes just don’t have a clue how to moderate their emotions, how to sooth and calm themselves or how to manage their emotions. So any books associated with managing emotions is good for you, try Amazon.com: Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ (Audible Audio Edition): Daniel Goleman: Books.


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## Amyd (Nov 12, 2012)

waiwera said:


> Just a sign of the times we live I believe.
> 
> We live in a very sexed up world... turn on the TV or the computer, pic up a magazine, look up in the city and see a billboard.
> 
> ...


You're right about our eyes being bombarded by images of pixelated perfect people. Nobody looks like these images not even the person in the photographs. Models can't compete with their photoshopped persona.


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## Amyd (Nov 12, 2012)

jaquen said:


> I wondered the same thing when I started. Because I didn't find this board due to any negative issues in my marriage, I initially thought TAM was a great forum to talk about marriage, love, and relationships in general; a great sounding board for all aspects of marriage, including the positive.
> 
> It didn't take long to realize that the majority of the posts here are about people who mostly have very serious, very painful problems with their marriage, infidelity being chief amongst them. I learned that the easiest way to get a thread pushed to the bottom of a page is to make a positive, pro-marriage or pro-spouse thread. Those attract almost no attention.


Tell me about it! My "How to keep him interested" thread crashed and burned. If more people would concentrate on how to keep their current spouse interested they probably will have less time to send obscene text messages to strangers.


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## Amyd (Nov 12, 2012)

AFEH said:


> I really think your approach is to be applauded. My sister has BPD but she doesn’t have the awareness you have so I think she’ll forever be medicated.
> 
> CBT is really the way to go. In that people with PD’s of one kind or another generally have a somewhat skewed way of thinking, CBT can rectify that.
> 
> ...


Believe it or not a lot of people with BPD have great insight to their out of control emotions. My blog is pretty popular and many of the people who comment also have BPD and blogs of their own describing their behavior and what their doing to get it under control.

I may go back on meds because the depression and anxiety are becoming too much at this point.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Speaking for myself, it is indeed therapeutic to both convey to my other colleagues here the "whys and the wherefores" of my relationship with a cheating spouse. Not only do I derive immense knowledge fom people in my very same shoes, I have also been given great counsel by even those who have chosen to cheat, fastly explaining their rationale in doing so and helping me to perhaps better understand what my cheating wife's line of thinking in that regard truly was. 

And while I definitely meant what I said to her on that sultry May afternoon in that Church before God, the clergy, our families and friends~ I totally meant from the heart. 

How unfortunate it is, however, that the other party involved in those very same vows seemed to have had a convenient lapse of memory about them somewhere along the way.


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## Amyd (Nov 12, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> Speaking for myself, it is indeed therapeutic to both convey to my other colleagues here the "whys and the wherefores" of my relationship with a cheating spouse. Not only do I derive immense knowledge fom people in my very same shoes, I have also been given great counsel by even those who have chosen to cheat, fastly explaining their rationale in doing so and helping me to perhaps better understand what my cheating wife's line of thinking in that regard truly was.
> 
> And while I definitely meant what I said to her on that sultry May afternoon in that Church before God, the clergy, our families and friends~ I totally meant from the heart.
> 
> How unfortunate it is, however, that the other party involved in those very same vows seemed to have had a convenient lapse of memory about them somewhere along the way.


I really do feel sorry that your spouse cheated. If my husband cheated on me my world would crash down. I would question everything I thought was real and would probably need hospitalization. You are a very strong person to have survived this type of betrayal. Hugs.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Regarding the raw number of viewers we also have to take into account those guys with cuckhold fetiches who will be using it like it's some sort of "dear penthouse" stuff. Then there are probably thousands of lurkers who are dealing with infidelity issues and are reading through how people cope with it. It is probably the single most serious problem a marriage can face other than the death of one of the spouses.


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## Amyd (Nov 12, 2012)

costa200 said:


> Regarding the raw number of viewers we also have to take into account those guys with cuckhold fetiches who will be using it like it's some sort of "dear penthouse" stuff. Then there are probably thousands of lurkers who are dealing with infidelity issues and are reading through how people cope with it. It is probably the single most serious problem a marriage can face other than the death of one of the spouses.


A man having a fetish about being cheated on: Yuck.

Not to be judgmental but...y know..YUCK.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Amyd said:


> A man having a fetish about being cheated on: Yuck.
> 
> Not to be judgmental but...y know..YUCK.


Actually, for me that stuff is so out there that it's even interesting to try explain what is going on in their heads. Personally i think most of them are closet homosexuals living their fantasies through their wives.


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## Amyd (Nov 12, 2012)

costa200 said:


> Actually, for me that stuff is so out there that it's even interesting to try explain what is going on in their heads. Personally i think most of them are closet homosexuals living their fantasies through their wives.


I could see gay men who are in the closet wanting a threesome with another man for obvious reasons but if their wife is cheating I'm guessing they don't have any visuals.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Amyd said:


> I've been on TAM for a brief period and I've notice that the Infidelity Section has the second largest amount of viewers (Sex being the most.)
> 
> How come the other threads that don't have to deal with cheating or sex aren't as popular?
> 
> Wouldn't it be proactive to spend lots of time nurturing healthy marriages than figuring out what to do once the marriage gets in trouble?


I agree ... to a point. I would guess that the biggest issues facing marriages are the couples not knowing and meeting each others needs, most folks have poor boundaries and that most couples are ill equipped to deal with marriage once the in ove feelings start to subside.

These days one level or another of infidelity strike most marriages. Many do not see the infidelity for what it is until the marriage is destroyed.

But indeed one would think there would be more positive stuff being posted than there is.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

I would venture to guess that many of us found TAM based on the problems we are or were having in our marriage - infidelity and sex are probably the two biggest problems.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

Amyd said:


> I suffer from BPD, anxiety with obsessional thoughts and depression.
> 
> (I'm a real barrel of laughs.)


Have you tried muscle relaxation exercises? I've been doing them for years. Just like meditation it takes a few weeks to get into it, but this teaches you how to relax you body while at a dinner or anywhere else. There are CD's available too.

Best Muscle Relaxation Exercies for stress, tension, anxiety with easy step by step instructions. These deep muscle relaxation exercises provide relief for stress and anxiety, worry and depression. Includes deep breathing exercises, breathing methods

Best,


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Amyd said:


> I was. And I probably should get back into therapy but I'm sort of avoiding it at the moment.
> 
> *Recently, I stopped all my psychiatric medications and I'm trying to find different ways to deal with my problems but I'm having a bit of a hard time.*


Gosh! Should I follow your example and stop taking my meds for high blood pressure and diabetes? No. Don't think I'll do that!

And could you -please- join me and take your meds, too?


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## Amyd (Nov 12, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Gosh! Should I follow your example and stop taking my meds for high blood pressure and diabetes? No. Don't think I'll do that!
> 
> And could you -please- join me and take your meds, too?


I didn't just STOP my meds. I withdrew from them slowly under the care of a psychiatrist. But thank you for your concern. Hugs 

(I've called my doctor for an appointment. I guess going off meds isn't realistic in my case  )


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Gosh! Should I follow your example and stop taking my meds for high blood pressure and diabetes? No. Don't think I'll do that!
> 
> And could you -please- join me and take your meds, too?


You can bring your health to the point you can get off the medication for high blood pressure and diabetes (assuming it's not type 1). Read "Eat to live" by Joel Furhman. 

I believe medications are sometimes necessary but they are super concentrated and almost always have negative side effects. I think people should do everything they can to find natural solutions and wean themselves off medicines if at all possible.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I commend you for going off meds and trying to fix the problem in other ways.Sometimes it is possible to do this without turning to drugs,alcohol,and whatever other things people have said.

As a person with BPD,I thought I was doomed to meds and therapy my whole life.I'm thankful that isn't true at all


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## DocHoliday (Jan 19, 2012)

The reason I think most people come here for infidelity help is probably shame.

Most betrayed spouses do not want to tell anyone around them about what is happening, to find an annonomous place that provides support and help is probably a godsend for most posters.

In fact, quite a few sites reccomend exposure of an affair, and you would not believe how hard it can be to get some BS to do this. 

I think people do not want to broadcast their marital problems (in fact many marriage counselors do not want appointments overlapping for fear that couples will recognise each other). IF this helps... amen to that


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## DocHoliday (Jan 19, 2012)

Amyd;

Hope you are feeling better.


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