# New here, and in divorce process...



## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

The D word had been thrown at me many times before, but this time husband added that he is going next week to the lawyer. My friends say its a good thing bc he was treating me like a doormat and not seeing any of the patience and love and sacrifices I made in order for us to be together in the first place (I had to move me and my kids 30 minutes away from their old neighborhood and commute them 30-90 minutes each way depending on traffic). 

If its a good thing, then why am I sad about it? My therapist says I was so pulled into the narcissism I was losing myself. Its almost like breaking an unhealthy addiction... to him even though he is not capable of loving me in return. He hooked me in with constant attention after my first divorce and encouraging me to open up and open my heart and gave me the most mind boggling sex I had ever been exposed to (I had a very vanilla sex life prior to my 1st marriage and no sex life in my marriage bc ex had ed)... and then he took all of it away bit by bit.

After he told me he wanted a divorce this time he even said "I hope your ex takes your kids away" with a smile on his face. Who wishes that? Typing that out made me see it clearer, it is the right thing. I was actually willing to sacrifice the next 13 years of my life to stay here for the kids so they wouldnt need to be uprooted from this home I created here for them.

I dont think there is anyway husband will back away from his stance and humble himself to see that he contributed, actually created the circustance which then he gave himself permission to go 100% silent... he said he thought I would get upset and he started pushing buttons to get me upset so that when I did get upset he said see, there you go.

It makes no sense in the real world, only in the narcissistic one. Its like getting trapped in a maze in which you cant find the exit... your adrenaline is pumping, you think maybe around that corner will be relief.. nope. Maybe if I go this way? Yes, I think its there... oh darn. Only the chase is for the person you fell in love with who disappeared when the evil twin showed up to take his place. Where is the first guy? I truly miss him.

How can I get through this living in the same house for 6 months? He wont leave and I cant. It will be like living with a hostile deaf mute, who can cut into you with a glare and make you feel so hated and disgusting in his eyes. Oh except for the occcassional moans when you come downstairs to get coffee.

Sorry for the ramble.


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