# Am I wrong?



## SignOfLife (Aug 13, 2014)

So, we have been talking, and he knows that I am considering divorce. He refuses to want one..
Here are my complaints that I cant seem to get through to him. 
I need to know if I am wrong about how I feel about how our relationship has become. 
My husband is a volunteer swim coach for the YMCA. He coaches every single night 5 days a week usually when I get home from work at 4:30pm, he is already gone with our son(8) who is a National ranked swimmer, and then doesn't return home until about 7pm and sometime just after 7pm. Typically, he is also always gone on the weekends out of town at a swim meet. Out of town can be anywhere from 3.5-6 hrs away..(he is on the road as we speak, and Im feverishly at work typing away trying to get answers to my life from you lovely caring suporters!)

I am a professional that works at a hospital, he works from home. 
He is so under the impression that everything he is doing is for our son so he can be an Olympian and that what he is doing is fair and what he wants to do..I have asked him to compromise and he wont. He wont minimize his time away from the house. He says I should go there to be with him..
After a long day at the clinic, I am so exhausted and mentally drained from seeing patients all day. The last thing I want to do is go to a chlorine filled room and sit in the heat. I want to see my son and I want him to excel, and I want my spouse to thrive and do what he loves, but I think that it is personally overkill. 
I feel resentment, and that he loves that lifestyle more than me, more than our home and our marriage. But yet he wants to stay married. 
He comes home, and lives in the driveway in our RV. He wants to be in the RV so he doesn't have to deal with my house full of pets, and my daughter his step daughter.. He also I think just likes being by himself in there because he can watch what he wants and have the TV loud..and so many more excuses..
I seem to be the only one fighting for him to want me, I fight for everything, attention, love, desire..etc...All he talks about is his swimming. Everything he brings up is about swimming and how I should just be more involved in it and that would make our marriage great.
I have been going to therapy on my own for 5 years now, I go to better myself and ask what I am doing wrong, what I can do to hold on and what I should do ...
One of the things that really bothered me a couple weeks ago, I knew my spouse was going to Florida for an event for his own swimming Masters, and that it would be for 5 days, I was never told by him that he would be car pooling with his co-coach (a lady), (who's husband just died)....I came out of my house to leave for work and her car was in front of my house that morning, that is how I found out he had driven with her to the trip over 6 hrs away ..They also stayed on the same camp site to save money instead of hotel . (no they stayed in separate tents) and my son was with them...This broke my heart! Whether there is anything there or not, whether she is unattractive or not, this took my breath away and my heart sank! 
I think it was inappropriate, and so does my therapist and the attorney I have talked to...My spouse thinks it is perfectly fine but says he wont ever do it again...
Whenever I tell him Im exhausted or tired, or in pain, he tells me how he is too, he reminds me he pays for his own trips, I remind him I pay the mortgage and most all the bills...(which is another problem )Im drowning..He hides his money from his stay at home business.. and only helps pay the power and water bill..And he is happy that the A/C to the house doesn't work because it makes his bill cheaper...Meanwhile, I pay House, car, car ins, medical ins. cable, internet, some credit cards for things we got together,..I pay my student loans, my other daughters college tuition and extras needed for the 2 of them. ( he buys groceries for his RV outside) but then comes in and takes my goodies I have bought...

Is anyone thinking this is all so dysfunctional yet????
I need help. Am I an idiot? Am I wrong for thinking that 5 days a week and weekend is overkill for a volunteer job and sports for my 8 year old son..?
Does anyone else (like me and my daughter at home) deserve attention??

IM GOING CRAZY


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Sign, I am sorry for your situation. You need to separate your finances and cut off any support for H. He can fund his own extra needs.

Him living in the RV is B.S. He is in there texting and calling his swim wife.

Serve him with divorce papers and let him choose which life he wants. But I think he already did.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

You are not crazy.

This will be the third time I have posted this saying today...

_“Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.”

-Maya Angelou_

Keep in mind that divorce is a process, not a singular event.

If you file, and he decides to pull his head out of his fourth point of contact (where it is clearly resting comfortably) then you can put it on hold.

As for the other coach?

I would not be okay with that in any way, shape or form. 

If you do not like it, and he does not respect it, chalk up one more item on your list of things pushing you towards divorce.


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## ihatethis (Oct 17, 2013)

You are living lives separately, and the only thing holding you together is the license you signed years ago.

The only way you will ever know which life is more important to him, is to give him a fair ultimatum. Don't make him quit entirely, but make him HAVE to choose to balance it more appropriately. 

Just because he doesn't want to "deal" with his life at home with the pets, kids, etc., doesn't mean he just gets to be a part timer in your marriage. It's a partnership and a bond between two people who love one another very deeply. If he cannot and or chooses not to balance it out again, it's time to step away.


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## SignOfLife (Aug 13, 2014)

farsidejunky said:


> You are not crazy.
> 
> This will be the third time I have posted this saying today...
> 
> ...


Love that Maya quote ! Thank you


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Serve him D papers, you'll know what to do based on his response.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

The fact is, people who want to push themselves (or their children) to greatness have to sacrifice everything else, because to be the best, you have to do it better than everyone else.

It's not worth it. Enjoy the fruits of his labor when your kid wins a gold. Do it with your new husband and family.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

So what exactly is the question here? Why haven't you served him the papers already?

He has a place to live. He has income. You have a place to live. You have income. You just don't have a husband. Just make it official already.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

I can not fathom why some parents chose a sport for their kid and go completely head long into it. It is a constant all weekend event. I have friends that base their entire life around it. It works just great. He sleeps on the coach. She sleeps in the bed. Totally loveless marriage. But hey, their kids is on to the major leagues. So they believe. 

When you married you did not sign up for supporting coach at week long swimming events. It appears have stated your concerns and issues with this arrangement. The next step is considering D.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

SignOfLife said:


> He comes home, and lives in the driveway in our RV. He wants to be in the RV so he doesn't have to deal with my house full of pets, and my daughter his step daughter.. He also I think just likes being by himself in there because he can watch what he wants and have the TV loud..and so many more excuses..


FVCK...THIS...SH!T. 

I cannot believe you have tolerated this. You have no marriage, sad to say. Everything about your situation is dysfunctional. The only positive thing going on is that your husband is supportive of your son. His going out of town with another woman without your knowledge is unacceptable. I believe he is probably cheating on you, not necessarily with HER, but with someone. You will never convince me that a man who chooses to stay in an RV at his own home ISNT cheating. 

You have been going to therapy for FIVE YEARS?? And you are still in this mess? Has your therapist been sleeping through your sessions?? I think you know that you need to divorce. Its just a really hard thing to face, I've been there so believe me I get it. But the level of unhappy and dysfunction here is crazy.


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