# Introverted Wife met a new friend at work that is changing her into an extrovert



## Dthinks40s (Sep 20, 2021)

My once Introverted Wife and i (also an introvert) have been married for 13 years. She recently met a new friend at work that is changing her into an extrovert. Her new friend is a young single 20’s year old female that talks about sex with my wife all day long. I noticed many changes in my wife. A sudden need to lose weight and workout, buying skimmpier clothes, wearing more makeup, changing taste in music, drinking more, smoking more, wanting to dance and go to clubs, all things she was never into before. My Conversations with my wife and texts and communication feel like its gone out the window and seems distant now. There are times i text her and don’t receive a usual quick response sometimes almost an hour. I know she gets the messages instantly cause she has an apple watch. I talk with a male coworker of hers that tells me she is constantly talking with her female friend, not busy working. It feels like i took a back seat to her emotional well being like im being ignored. I tried confronting her about it but she is one to just cacoon and get silent until the issue goes away.. sometimes takes a day or two until we both forget about it. Our Physical relationship is great. We have sex almost everyday still.. but I feel like I’m just her way of getting off now and her emotional attraction to me is fading. Is our relationship doomed or am i just making a mountain out of a mole hill?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Doomed .... she has found another interesting toy to play with. There is a reason she is suddenly wanting to look attractive and it isn’t you.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Seems like she is wanting to now live the single life like her new friend. 
SHE is married -- remind her of that. Going out to clubs drinking and dancing (NOT with you), umm.. NOPE.
She definitely seems to be pulling away from you.
I HOPE you don't have any kids if she is starting to pull this crap.

If she wants to act single, then you may have to oblige her and MAKE her single again.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I don't know how old she is, guessing around 40, but she wants to act like a single girl in her 2O's. It sounds as if she is very easily led, and she is being led to do things that are very damaging for a marriage. 

You have to talk to her and tell her how very concerned you are about how she is acting and also about your marriage.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Sounds to me like she was just very hungry for something different in her life, some excitement and a friend to talk to.


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## Dthinks40s (Sep 20, 2021)

My wife is in her late 30’s and we have 2 kids , 8 and 11. We met when she was 19, not sure if i should try and become and extrovert and change as well or just embrace her changes? For some reason her lack of concern and no jealousy on get part is a little unnerving. She says its because she trusts me whole heartedly. She says all her changes are because she feels more confident because she is losing weight. .. but why does that mean she is getting more distant? She think nothing has changed. I dont know what to make of it.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

What do you mean by lack of jealousy..? Could you elaborate?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Dthinks40s said:


> My wife is in her late 30’s and we have 2 kids , 8 and 11. We met when she was 19, not sure if i should try and become and extrovert and change as well or just embrace her changes? For some reason her lack of concern and no jealousy on get part is a little unnerving. She says its because she trusts me whole heartedly. She says all her changes are because she feels more confident because she is losing weight. .. but why does that mean she is getting more distant? She think nothing has changed. I dont know what to make of it.


Well, just keep the lines of communication open as much as possible. I also recommend you do try to follow her lead a little and maybe take her out to dinner or dancing or whatever you both enjoy and just don't let her get bored. You don't have to be an extrovert to go do things. I have a friend who is a pretty big introvert, can entertain herself reading or crafting, but she loves to go get out of the house and go do things like garage sales or see a band (in her 60s even) or go to an art exhibit. She's introverted, but she's not dead!

If your wife hasn't had a girlfriend for awhile and being an introvert probably doesn't attract many, this may be very exciting for her just having the attention and new friend. Of course, if she's lost weight, she'll be buying new clothes and feeling more like going out. Been there, done that. It's a good turn in her life, if you ask me, but you want to be PART of it, not just sit on the sidelines.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Dthinks40s said:


> My once Introverted Wife and i (also an introvert) have been married for 13 years. She recently met a new friend at work that is changing her into an extrovert. Her new friend is a young single 20’s year old female that talks about sex with my wife all day long. I noticed many changes in my wife. A sudden need to lose weight and workout, buying skimmpier clothes, wearing more makeup, changing taste in music, drinking more, smoking more, wanting to dance and go to clubs, all things she was never into before. My Conversations with my wife and texts and communication feel like its gone out the window and seems distant now. There are times i text her and don’t receive a usual quick response sometimes almost an hour. I know she gets the messages instantly cause she has an apple watch. I talk with a male coworker of hers that tells me she is constantly talking with her female friend, not busy working. It feels like i took a back seat to her emotional well being like im being ignored. I tried confronting her about it but she is one to just cacoon and get silent until the issue goes away.. sometimes takes a day or two until we both forget about it. Our Physical relationship is great. We have sex almost everyday still.. but I feel like I’m just her way of getting off now and her emotional attraction to me is fading. Is our relationship doomed or am i just making a mountain out of a mole hill?


Ruh roh.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Dthinks,

You most likely have a problem on your hands already, she is emotionally attached to someone else, could be to this other woman, or to a male friend of the OW she is expecting to meet.

For now the best you can do is go silent and keep your eyes and ears open and your mouth shut. What you do not want to do is drive the inappropriate relationship or affair underground where it can continue to grow unseen.

Sometimes what happens at the beginning of an affair is that out of guilt, possibly for concealment, the spouse talks about the other person to make it seem ok or normal. Then when things get really serious the disclosures end. 

Sometimes the spouse does not understand the vortex they have fallen into.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

Mr.Married said:


> Doomed .... she has found another interesting toy to play with. There is a reason she is suddenly wanting to look attractive and it isn’t you.


doomed? wtf...seriously...i wouldn't go that far 

Many women go through this, my wife is going through this now (she's late 30's). She's made several friends since we moved to Cali and is now a lot more social (where she used to have zero friends for the first 15 years of our marriage). Seems like almost daily she "found a new friend". If your wife wants to go to clubs and go drinking without you, then that would be a hard stop for me. Instead of telling her it's a hard no, you can play that same game. Next time she goes out drinking, then you go and do the same. I can guarantee you, one time of that, she won't be going out alone anymore.


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## Dthinks40s (Sep 20, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> What do you mean by lack of jealousy..? Could you elaborate?


Meaning she doesn’t get jealous if i would go out with friends to clubs or parties or talk with woman friends.


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## HappilyMarried1 (Jul 21, 2021)

Ok @Dthinks40s is she going out and doing those things like clubs with women. If so I’m sorry but I’d say she is doing those things if she is going out. You will need to go out with her or she will come home crying one night if she really loves you and your marriage and say she had too much to drink and it was just some innocent flirting and it happened before she knew it or something like that. The other thing will be she will find a guy and have an affair and carry on two separate lives. I would not stay at home constantly and baby sit while she’s out clubbing. You better get this taken care of she is already going out or she wants to start that’s why she said that about you. Best of luck!


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

She's not turning into an extrovert. She's turning into a cheater.


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

Dthinks40s said:


> Meaning she doesn’t get jealous if i would go out with friends to clubs or parties or talk with woman friends.


Why are you letting her go out at night?
If my wife went out at night, she would no longer be my wife.
The only reason for her to go out without you, is because she's looking for (or meeting) another man (or woman).


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Not so sure this is the end of the world; could be an opportunity. If she's into changing for the better, start working on lifestyle choices in general. Beginning with... smoking. That's bad habit and has terrible consequences. I gather that you smoke as well? Make it a mission to assume leadership in this endeavor. And this would be a good time to discuss your expectations for the next 5, 10 & 25 years. How much of this journey will be together, vs separate? 

If your wife reacts really strangely to this, well, better to know sooner than later.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

The death nail has been put into your marriage. Get a lawyer and see what a divorce would look like. Read the 180 and No More Mr Nice Guy.

When is she going out? If it is every weekend, tell her she has the kids this weekend and go spend time doing something for you the whole weekend. Don’t answer her text or calls but text or call your kids to tell them good night.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Seen it a thousand times. She’s looking for a new dude or has one already. Sorry bro.
You’re gonna try to nice her back and chase her. You won’t listen. But I can promise you chasing her will 200% push her away.
Time to start building a new life and whatever you do, do NOT get her pregnant.

this is just a fact which feminists and weak men will ignore: Married Women that are suddenly losing weight, dressing differently and more provocatively, and going out drinking and clubbing...... they are looking for attention from other men And their husband’s sole purpose at that point is to be a wallet and security blanket. She will boohoo and plead if you call her out and file for divorce, because that will upset her plans to use you until she Monkey branches to the next sucker who thinks she is “the stuff” and claims he will provide for her. The best thing for you to do is plan your exit rather than be a chump and be her little white knight while she plans to leave you for another man.

but sadly, your feelings for her wil trump your common sense and you’ll do like most men including me and beg and plead and try to nice her back, which is exactly opposite what you should do.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Dthinks40s said:


> Meaning she doesn’t get jealous if i would go out with friends to clubs or parties or talk with woman friends.


She’s saying that for 4 reasons. 
1. She knows you’re not going to do that.
2. She doesn’t think you’ll be able to meet a new woman.
3. She’s detaching from you, so she 
be fine without you.
4. If you’re going out, she can’t really let loose without you complaining. 

If she’s not already hooking up with random guys at the clubs, she’s on the fast track to do so. Wouldn’t surprise me if she’s made out with random guys. I don’t think she has a steady guy yet because she’s still having sex with you. When she sexually cuts you off, you’ll know, she’s consulates with a guy she cares about and wants to be loyal to. That the sex is becoming distant means your a placeholder for the guys she’s flirting with.

These GNO have to stop NOW . This should be non-negotiable. I suspect she will refuse and choose her new single lifestyle over being a wife and mother. If you want a chance a saving your marriage, you must be ready to lose it. Get yourself emotionally ready for divorce, including getting your finances in order and even talking to a lawyer to see what divorce will entail. This preparation should also include working on becoming the best version of yourself. Start a vigorous workout regimen and up your appearance (clothes, haircut, beard, hygiene, etc). Liking what you see in the mirror will do wonders for your self confidence and will have your wife doubting her actions.

This may sound alarmist but your wife is on the fast track to being unfaithful, if she hasn’t already. The number of threads that we have that start like yours is insane. You start in the general section but months later are in the infidelity section. You’ve allowed this to fester for way too long probably because she shuts you down with the typical, controlling card. By being the modern understanding guy, you’re facing down the barrel of a wife who’s hell bound on blowup your family.

PS, engage her family for help. Not in a your daughter/sister is out who... but in a help me fight fir the family. Do not hide what she’s doing.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Yes , the infamous “controlling” card...
Textbook cheater script. I’ll bet he gets the ILYBINILWY speech very, very soon.
She’ll also say when he catches her messaging another man, the classic: “it was never physical”. Or if he catches them in bed with one another.... “it was just this one time stupid mistake”. I don’t know what I was thinking! 

Anytime a woman is going out drinking and clubbing and acting like a single woman and calls her husband controlling.......
It’s best to just see an attorney. It never gets better.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

jsmart said:


> She’s saying that for 4 reasons.
> 1. She knows you’re not going to do that.
> 2. She doesn’t think you’ll be able to meet a new woman.
> 3. She’s detaching from you, so she
> ...


This is correct, heed and abide.

You need to put a stop to your wife’s bar / club outings immediately. 
It is not appropriate or acceptable for a married woman to be going out clubbing with single friends. 
This is going down a very bad path and it will end very badly for you if you don’t take control of this situation right now.

And be prepared for resistance, be prepared to be called controlling and other nonsense. That’s OK, you need to be comfortable being the bad guy in her narrative - stand strong in your standards, expectations and what you will / will not accept in your marriage. 
If she still has any attraction / respect for you, she’ll appreciate it in the end (she may not tell you that but her actions will).

She wants to go out with friends, she can go to lunch, brunch, happy hour at Applebee’s after work, etc. 
She does not get to go barhopping or clubbing with single friends, not without you, not if she wants to remain your wife.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Dthinks40s said:


> Meaning she doesn’t get jealous if i would go out with friends to clubs or parties or talk with woman friends.


Which is healthier and less dysfunctional than if you do get jealous about people having friends. I mean if you have a relationship where you both trust each other like that, then that is ideal. I don't see anything wrong with you just lightly asking her, you're not going out with girlfriends looking to replace me are you? Hopefully you'll get the validation you need back. Also I wouldn't expect her to invite you along all the time because that can put a damper on girl talk, but she should include you once in awhile.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

These replies are a bit extreme. Some of her behaviors are worth watching but there are plenty of wives who have GNO without ending up in another man’s bed. Same with dressing nice and putting some effort into getting ready for the day. Going to a wine bar with my girlfriends is a great release and helps me remember being a mom and wife isn’t my entire identity. 

Believe it or not, but some women do things for themselves because we are worth it and it makes us feel good. Women who already feel good do not need validation from random men at a bar. We tell them nicely the seat is taken and to take a hike. I regularly attend GNO, dress up/make myself ready for the day. Your wife is likely trying to find herself after becoming a mom and is excited to have a friend. This stuff will die down.

As far as the dress goes, just address it! How are you defining “skimpier dress”? Compromise when she does a GNO/happy hour about the time she is expected to be home. Additionally, it wouldn’t hurt for you to go out with the guys. It is healthy to have experiences with friends so long as boundaries are respected.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Which is healthier and less dysfunctional than if you do get jealous about people having friends. I mean if you have a relationship where you both trust each other like that, then that is ideal. I don't see anything wrong with you just lightly asking her, you're not going out with girlfriends looking to replace me are you? Hopefully you'll get the validation you need back. Also I wouldn't expect her to invite you along all the time because that can put a damper on girl talk, but she should include you once in awhile.


I agree. Get the validation and keep an eye out for weird behavior. I think there’s also a difference between going out for a few drinks (home by midnight or so) and closing the bar down at 3am.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It's great that she's growing, expanding her horizons and experiencing new things. Becoming more extraverted and active is usually a good thing for one's life and career. However, the clubbing and marginal behavior is certainly a concern. You need to acknowledge the good things this friendship has encouraged, but discuss the negatives and negotiate good boundaries to avoid behaviors that will harm your marriage. Her behaviors are eroding your trust, so ask her if she really wants that to happen along with the eventual consequences.

*If* that isn't enough to get her to agree to boundaries, then go out on your own, visit some clubs (even if you just stand in a corner), and treat her the same as she's treating you. If her comfortable support system (i.e., YOU!) is taken away, she may then question the value of what she's been doing.


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

moulinyx said:


> it wouldn’t hurt for you to go out with the guys.


My BiLs always want to end the night in a whorehouse.


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

moulinyx said:


> Going to a wine bar with my girlfriends is a great release and helps me remember being a mom and wife isn’t my entire identity.


I'd divorce you just for that one sentence.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

moulinyx said:


> These replies are a bit extreme. Some of her behaviors are worth watching but there are plenty of wives who have GNO without ending up in another man’s bed. Same with dressing nice and putting some effort into getting ready for the day. Going to a wine bar with my girlfriends is a great release and helps me remember being a mom and wife isn’t my entire identity.
> 
> Believe it or not, but some women do things for themselves because we are worth it and it makes us feel good. Women who already feel good do not need validation from random men at a bar. *We tell them nicely the seat is taken and to take a hike*. I regularly attend GNO, dress up/make myself ready for the day.* Your wife is likely trying to find herself after becoming a mom and is excited to have a friend.* This stuff will die down.
> 
> As far as the dress goes, just address it! How are you defining “skimpier dress”? Compromise when she does a GNO/happy hour about the time she is expected to be home. Additionally, it wouldn’t hurt for you to go out with the guys. It is healthy to have experiences with friends so long as boundaries are respected.


So you dress up and get all fixed up so you can get some male validation, and for their efforts to give you that, you tell them “nicely” to take a hike? 
Find herself after becoming a mom? What the heck does that mean? Having a baby causes a woman to lose her identity? What? Why do these poor lost ladies get pregnant if they’re going to “lose themselves”??? If a lady doesn’t want to be identified as a mom, just stay on birth control. She can then remain the ever-impressive barfly that tells any man stupid enough to approach her to take a hike.

OP, you know as well as any reasonably intelligent person what skimpier dress means. You know why she’s going out to bars. You know why she seems distant.
You aren’t crazy or misguided. You think it’s skimpy because IT IS. You think she’s out at bars chasing men because SHE IS.

Don’t stock your head on the sand or allow yourself to be convinced what you’re seeing isn’t how things really are.

Here’s an easy one: Show up at the club she’s at one night unexpected. Observe for a while. Then walk up to her when she’s talking to another guy and look her in the eye. That look she gives you will tell you all you need to know. If she’s anything but happy to see you—- you’re simply not her man anymore. Act accordingly.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Married but Happy said:


> It's great that she's growing, expanding her horizons and experiencing new things. Becoming more extraverted and active is usually a good thing for one's life and career. However, the clubbing and marginal behavior is certainly a concern. You need to acknowledge the good things this friendship has encouraged, but discuss the negatives and negotiate good boundaries to avoid behaviors that will harm your marriage. Her behaviors are eroding your trust, so ask her if she really wants that to happen along with the eventual consequences.
> 
> *If* that isn't enough to get her to agree to boundaries, then go out on your own, visit some clubs (even if you just stand in a corner), and treat her the same as she's treating you. If her comfortable support system (i.e., YOU!) is taken away, she may then question the value of what she's been doing.


Completely disagree with the last paragraph. Proportional response only works if the field is either even or in your advantage. In this case it’s clearly not. His wife will not care if he goes out, it will only serve to further validate and help her rationalize her behavior.

This is going down a bad path, and OP is not in control here.
His wife is not losing weight and wearing skimpier clothes for him. And she’s not doing it to impress her friend or other women. And she’s not going out to clubs with her single friend just dance with each other.
She’s doing all of these things to solicit male attention, and not from OP. She is seeking sexual attention from other men. That’s called acting like a single woman, which is completely inappropriate for a married woman. For many reasons.

He doesn’t need do the same thing so she’ll “see how it feels.” That’s nonsense and it won’t work.
She’s getting high on male attention, she doesn’t care if he goes out to clubs too.

He needs to start leading and regain control of the situation. He needs to simply tell her no. He needs to establish his boundaries and expectations, and tell her that she if she wants to remain his wife, she needs to act like a wife, not a single woman.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

DudeInProgress said:


> Completely disagree with the last paragraph. Proportional response only works if the field is either even or in your advantage. In this case it’s clearly not. His wife will not care if he goes out, it will only serve to further validate and help her rationalize her behavior.
> 
> This is going down a bad path, and OP is not in control here.
> His wife is not losing weight and wearing skimpier clothes for him. And she’s not doing it to impress her friend or other women. And she’s not going out to clubs with her single friend just dance with each other.
> ...


The N word????????????? That’s so controlling and Neanderthal ....
One can’t just tell the princess no.... it’s just not done...😋


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Go online and check your phone bill.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Going "tit for tat" will go nowhere and more importantly, damage the little kids....

I don't know of any women that, (with two little kids), decides to take up clubbing and and hang around with single women 15 years their junior....I am sure they exist, but in no way would I characterize it as "many", nor would I expect any guy to think it's a positive thing for her to do...If it works for some folks, great, but I wouldn't call it anything that is considered typical..

Anyway, I think the situation with the OP is probably that he met her and she got tied down very early in life and perhaps she feels like somehow she "missed out" on that part of her life...So now at almost 40, with 2 little kids, thinks it's now something she needs to do...She may wake up one day, and realize it's stupid and immature, or this may lead to somewhere else or she thinks that maybe the OP isn't the one she is satisfied with and is setting herself up to move on? 

I dunno....I guess he'll have to see what happens...You can't necessarily control what she is doing, but if he doesn't like it, then he is well within his right to not have to take it(divorce her)...At the end of the day, I think whatever happens you have to make sure the kids don't suffer...that part isn't easy..


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Which is healthier and less dysfunctional than if you do get jealous about people having friends. I mean if you have a relationship where you both trust each other like that, then that is ideal. I don't see anything wrong with you just lightly asking her, you're not going out with girlfriends looking to replace me are you? Hopefully you'll get the validation you need back. Also I wouldn't expect her to invite you along all the time because that can put a damper on girl talk, but she should include you once in awhile.


What girl would admit she is going out to replace the guy she is with if asked?

Very few if any.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

moulinyx said:


> These replies are a bit extreme. Some of her behaviors are worth watching but there are plenty of wives who have GNO without ending up in another man’s bed. Same with dressing nice and putting some effort into getting ready for the day. Going to a wine bar with my girlfriends is a great release and helps me remember being a mom and wife isn’t my entire identity.


This could also read “There are plenty of wives who have GNO that end up in another man’s bed, car, bar parking lot, in the club and the toilet.


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> Go online and check your phone bill.


I haven't used the phone in years, do people still make billed phone calls?
Data plan of $5 a month, and as many LINE calls as I like at no extra charge.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

moulinyx said:


> Going to a wine bar with my girlfriends is a great release and helps me remember being a mom and wife isn’t my entire identity.


I'm sure if your husband said: 


> ... helps me remember being a father and husband isn’t my entire identity.


You will throw a serious fit!!
SMH 🤦‍♂️


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

M


Dthinks40s said:


> My wife is in her late 30’s and we have 2 kids , 8 and 11. We met when she was 19, not sure if i should try and become and extrovert and change as well or just embrace her changes? For some reason her lack of concern and no jealousy on get part is a little unnerving. She says its because she trusts me whole heartedly. She says all her changes are because she feels more confident because she is losing weight. .. but why does that mean she is getting more distant? She think nothing has changed. I dont know what to make of it.


More confident as she is getting more play from the guys. Of course she trusts you. You should trust her right? Right? Sir, you wife is working on a slippery slope of changes that may not pan out to be great for your marriage.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

i view this as an opportunity.
she has had a long marriage, and is getting sexually bored. she met this new female friend, who has introduced her to a world of new sexual adventures to fantasize about. long dormant sexual hormones are coursing thru her blood, making her body hot and wet! She remembers these from long ago, and wants more!

your wife, quite simply, is very horny now. she needs to be serviced. Are YOU going to STEP UP and fill that role? Now is the time. find out what kinky sexual fantasies she is having and see to it she gets sexually fulfilled by you!

BTW, her new friend at work is probably getting great sexual satisfaction by seducing your wife. She probably goes home and masturbates to the idea that she is setting your wife up for cheating sex. she may just want to hear your wives stories, or actually join her in FMF play time. So...her new friend will probably be relentless in her pressuring your wife to go get laid!


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

ABHale said:


> This could also read “There are plenty of wives who have GNO that end up in another man’s bed, car, bar parking lot, in the club and the toilet.


That's why you need a cast iron stove, properly secured to the floor, with a heavy chain and ankle cuff.

It's the only way to be sure.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Your wife could have gotten in shape for you at any point, but she didn't. She didn't care about her looks until she started hanging out with her single female friend (who hangs out with single guys). But wait, can't a girl have friendzzzzzzzzzzz????

So let's move on to the club. Let me guess, she "just likes to dance". Pure BS, clubs are meat markets, period. You only go there if you are looking for something.

Best of luck, but the problem here as others have said is you can find your story on this site already. Dozens, if not hundreds of times and so far none of them end well for the guy.


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## Enigmatic (Jul 16, 2021)

This has nothing to do with introversion vs extroversion and more likely everything to do with a wife whose been with one man since her teens and has now decided she wants to sow some oats. Assuming she hasn't already cheated, the only thing you can do is have a real discussion with her to find out what is driving the changes and making it clear that her current behavior is risking the marriage. MC might help, if she isn't already checked out. One thing is for sure, you being understanding and accepting will only embolden her to ramp up her activities and lead her to another man's bed.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

How often is she going out? How late is she staying out? You said she’s been drinking more, is she coming home and jumping straight into the shower? How much time is she now spending working out? Is she coming home late from work more often? 

You said you’re noticing that she’s less emotionally connected with you, how has she been with the kids? Does she seem less concerned about them? You mentioned that the sex is happening almost everyday, is that an increase? Has she been more sexually adventurous? (New moves, more vocal, new oral techniques, etc?).

The answers to these questions will help members give you more targeted advice.


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## Dthinks40s (Sep 20, 2021)

jsmart said:


> How often is she going out? How late is she staying out? You said she’s been drinking more, is she coming home and jumping straight into the shower? How much time is she now spending working out? Is she coming home late from work more often?
> 
> You said you’re noticing that she’s less emotionally connected with you, how has she been with the kids? Does she seem less concerned about them? You mentioned that the sex is happening almost everyday, is that an increase? Has she been more sexually adventurous? (New moves, more vocal, new oral techniques, etc?).
> 
> The answers to these questions will help members give you more targeted advice.


She doesn’t currently go out but she always mentions that she does want to go to clubs “to dance” and is planning to eventually. I asked her if she would want to go without me and she said i wouldn’t want to force you. She knows i would be miserable if i went. She spends at least 3 times a week working out at home. She is wayyy more sexually active and adventurous and we have done things we never used to. She says all her changes ate for me.. and for her. Yesterday I actually addressed the fact that i feel like she is having trouble connecting or expressing her love for me lately. I was hoping to get a little more effort from her today as its out anniversary but quite the opposite happened. I basically feel even more pushed away. No i love you texts yet.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

She wants excitement. She is bored with being the mundane mid-life married life. She wants to shake things up a bit. There is a reason why 80-85% of women who get bariatric surgery are divorced within 2 years, it changes the dynamic. They feel more alive, have more energy and receive attentions they are not used too.
Your wife is evolving, for good or for bad people change. Like wildlife when their environment changes, the ones who survive are the ones who adapt. There is no way you can prevent the changes that are happening with her, any attempt will put you further in a hole and build resentment with her. If you wish to be married to her 2 years from now, you need to make this change with her. Take her out dancing. Go with her and her friend sometimes and try to have a good time with her. Work out while she is. This could be a really good thing for you or a really bad thing for you. How you react will be a large part of the outcome.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Dthinks40s said:


> I basically feel even more pushed away. No i love you texts yet.


Did you send any?


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Or I could be wrong and she could already be banging some random dude and you just noticed the changes too late.


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## HappilyMarried1 (Jul 21, 2021)

Dthinks40s said:


> She doesn’t currently go out but she always mentions that she does want to go to clubs “to dance” and is planning to eventually. I asked her if she would want to go without me and she said i wouldn’t want to force you. She knows i would be miserable if i went. She spends at least 3 times a week working out at home. She is wayyy more sexually active and adventurous and we have done things we never used to. She says all her changes ate for me.. and for her. Yesterday I actually addressed the fact that i feel like she is having trouble connecting or expressing her love for me lately. I was hoping to get a little more effort from her today as its out anniversary but quite the opposite happened. I basically feel even more pushed away. No i love you texts yet.


It does not sound good at all. What did she say about these changes if it is supposed to be for you why is not expressing it then towards you. I would try and do some checking on phone and email if possible or with your friend at work. She may already be connecting with a work colleague. I hope it would not be your friend you are talking to. Best of luck!


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## seadoug105 (Jan 12, 2018)

Cletus said:


> Did you send any?


YEAH!….

No man should expect an “I love you“ with out saying/sending it 1st…

no for real… 
I’m totally serious here… 
I mean it…
I really do….


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

uphillbattle said:


> She wants excitement. She is bored with being the mundane mid-life married life. She wants to shake things up a bit. There is a reason why 80-85% of women who get bariatric surgery are divorced within 2 years, it changes the dynamic. They feel more alive, have more energy and receive attentions they are not used too.
> Your wife is evolving, for good or for bad people change. Like wildlife when their environment changes, the ones who survive are the ones who adapt. There is no way you can prevent the changes that are happening with her, any attempt will put you further in a hole and build resentment with her. If you wish to be married to her 2 years from now, you need to make this change with her. Take her out dancing. Go with her and her friend sometimes and try to have a good time with her. Work out while she is. This could be a really good thing for you or a really bad thing for you. How you react will be a large part of the outcome.


I think your assessment of the situation is correct, but your solution is not.

OP needs to up his game to bring her more excitement, unpredictability, and provide her the emotional roller coaster and tingles that she craves. 
if she let herself go a bit, it’s likely that he has done the same.
1. So he needs to get after it, start upping his own game and attractiveness. she needs excitement and tingles, he needs to be able to make sure they come from him, rather than other men.

2. At the same time, he needs to take control of the situation and protect his marriage by establishing and enforcing clear boundaries. He needs to tell her no, he’s not OK with his wife going out clubbing with single friends. 
He will not tolerate his wife going out seeking sexual attention from other men - because that is what the club environment is all about.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

DudeInProgress said:


> 1. So he needs to get after it, start upping his own game and attractiveness. she needs excitement and tingles, he needs to be able to make sure they come from him, rather than other men.


Maybe I didn't articulate myself clear enough but this is exactly what I was meaning.



DudeInProgress said:


> 2. At the same time, he needs to take control of the situation and protect his marriage by establishing and enforcing clear boundaries. He needs to tell her no, he’s not OK with his wife going out clubbing with single friends.
> He will not tolerate his wife going out seeking sexual attention from other men - because that is what the club environment is all about.


I don't think this can be pulled off at this point. The only thing this will do is build a ton of resentment. It may prolong their marriage but the quality of it will be less and it will in the end sink it. He isn't in a good situation right now, either he rides the wave or drowns.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

uphillbattle said:


> I don't think this can be pulled off at this point. The only thing this will do is build a ton of resentment. It may prolong their marriage but the quality of it will be less and it will in the end sink it. He isn't in a good situation right now, either he rides the wave or drowns.


I think it has to be, otherwise while he’s working on the positive side, it is highly likely that she will cross some lines that maybe unrecoverable, or at the very least create massive complications and build resentment on his end.

If he allows this to continue, she will end up crossing lines that will probably destroy the marriage anyway.
I see no point whatsoever in “riding the waves” as its likely to end even worse for him and the marriage probably dissolves anyway.
He needs to take control and drive this from both directions (what he will do to up his game, AND strong boundaries of what he will/won’t accept in his marriage).
It’s called strength, leader ship and frame. It works, and women respect it (whether they admit it or not). And if she doesn’t, he’s screwed anyway so he may as well go out on his own terms with dignity.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

DudeInProgress said:


> It’s called strength, leader ship and frame. It works, and women respect it (whether they admit it or not).


This is something that needs to be shown consistently for the desired effect. This is not something you just pull out of the air and just decide to DO. When tried in the manner you suggest it comes of as a controlling petulant child just whining. That will have the complete opposite effect from his objective.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

uphillbattle said:


> This is something that needs to be shown consistently for the desired effect. This is not something you just pull out of the air and just decide to DO. When tried in the manner you suggest it comes of as a controlling petulant child just whining. That will have the complete opposite effect from his objective.


True, it’s not a trick, it needs to be his standard mode of operation.

That said, there is no better alternative.
If he allows this to continue on its current trajectory, it ends up in a very bad (and probably unrecoverable) place anyway, so what’s the point?
He’ll save himself a lot more pain and misery by establishing and enforcing boundaries now, regardless of the outcome.


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## rugswept (May 8, 2019)

Sorry, did not read the thread. I'm just taking it at face value.
Your W has befriended a go go 20's hot life little chick. Now she's being just like her.
ALL THE SIGNS you said about her behavior change are often seen in affairs.
Those same signs may mean something else. I do, however believe there's a beau or there'll be one soon. 

Real red flare: are there any missing holes in time where your W is "out with the girls" after she just got all dolled up just before she left? 

Your W is at least extremely jealous of the 20's single girl bar hopping chicks. That's a really bad environment, all told, for your M. (I assume you took standard vows as opposed to that new age crazy stuff).


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

DudeInProgress said:


> True, it’s not a trick, it needs to be his standard mode of operation.
> 
> That said, there is no better alternative.
> If he allows this to continue on its current trajectory, it ends up in a very bad (and probably unrecoverable) place anyway, so what’s the point?
> He’ll save himself a lot more pain and misery by establishing and enforcing boundaries now, regardless of the outcome.


I just think he is at a critical point right now. At best I'm thinking 10-15% chance of coming through this with an in tact marriage. I don't think there is a hard line option that works here, it's too late for that. The small chance I see is to change with her and be a part of the excitement she craves. Once again this may all be a moot point. She could already have jumped much further ahead while he didn't notice.


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## Jeffsmith35 (Apr 8, 2021)

Dthinks40s said:


> She doesn’t currently go out but she always mentions that she does want to go to clubs “to dance” and is planning to eventually. I asked her if she would want to go without me and she said i wouldn’t want to force you. She knows i would be miserable if i went. She spends at least 3 times a week working out at home. *She is wayyy more sexually active and adventurous and we have done things we never used to.* She says all her changes ate for me.. and for her. Yesterday I actually addressed the fact that i feel like she is having trouble connecting or expressing her love for me lately. I was hoping to get a little more effort from her today as its out anniversary but quite the opposite happened. I basically feel even more pushed away. No i love you texts yet.


Uh-oh. The "new bedroom repertoire" is one of the signs of a cheating spouse. Where did she learn those new things, and why all of a sudden is she wanting those things?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Cletus said:


> That's why you need a cast iron stove, properly secured to the floor, with a heavy chain and ankle cuff.
> 
> It's the only way to be sure.


This is great!!! Finally someone that gets it.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

I know some are telling you this is ok and you may even be thinking, I don’t want to seem controlling but a 38 year married mother of 2 shouldn’t be out clubbing, drinking with a childless single 20 something. This woman is bad news for your marriage and family. We are not exaggerating when we tell you that there are so many threads that start off just like this and end up in infidelity.

If you want to change who you are to the point of putting your marriage and family in second place, you have to pretty much do what she’s doing. Workout like an animal, reconnect with male friends, who are the more going out/party types, get your appearance on point ( clothes, hair, beard, hygiene, etc). Have a fly ride, family finances be dammed. Make yourself sparse around the house, don’t worry, adolescent kids do well when their parents neglect them. At least that’s what all the feminist try to sell us.

The above strategy only works when the husband develops a zero F’s given attitude. It’s basically a form of dread. But I can tell from your few post that you’re not the Type of guy who’s going to put his family 2nd. You can and should do a scaled back form of the above but with a wife that has a friend that seems to have such a hold on her, you will have limited success. So work on your appearance and go out with your wife. Meeting her in the middle can be a positive. I just hope she hasn’t already been hooking up. The wilder / hotter sex without the emotional connection is a red flag.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Cletus said:


> That's why you need a cast iron stove, properly secured to the floor, with a heavy chain and ankle cuff.
> 
> It's the only way to be sure.


It doesn’t actually need to be secured to the floor. As long as it’s heavy enough (say >100 pounds) and the chain is secure, good to go.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

OP is from Canada? Oh man, he's screwed.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

If the chastity belt is fairly heavy, one can take off the ankle bracelet. It slows them up when they run and allows for more movement cooking and cleaning.😋


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Dthinks40s said:


> There are times i text her and don’t receive a usual quick response *sometimes almost an hour.*


She might actually be *working.*


Dthinks40s said:


> I talk with a male coworker of hers


This is such a low-down, dirty move.


ElwoodPDowd said:


> Why are you letting her go out at night?


 She has her emancipation papers.

OP, you are seriously codependent. Your wife will start to feel smothered if you keep up this nonsense.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Evinrude58 said:


> If the chastity belt is fairly heavy, one can take off the ankle bracelet. It slows them up when they run and allows for more movement cooking and cleaning.😋


Brilliant. I knew sooner or later I’d get some practical tips here.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

ElwoodPDowd said:


> I'd divorce you just for that one sentence.


You sound like an abusive relationship waiting to happen.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

i think you might have come on the precipitous of your relationship with her, this is the point that it will either improve your relationship with therapy and couseling or destroy it with her future behavior with others. While you can tell her that you love her new confidence that you will not tolerate any cheating in any form and you will divorce her and expose her if she crosses any line......remember woman do not dance alone


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Dthinks40s said:


> She doesn’t currently go out but she always mentions that she does want to go to clubs “to dance” and is planning to eventually. I asked her if she would want to go without me and she said i wouldn’t want to force you. She knows i would be miserable if i went. She spends at least 3 times a week working out at home. She is wayyy more sexually active and adventurous and we have done things we never used to. She says all her changes ate for me.. and for her. Yesterday I actually addressed the fact that i feel like she is having trouble connecting or expressing her love for me lately. I was hoping to get a little more effort from her today as its out anniversary but quite the opposite happened. I basically feel even more pushed away. No i love you texts yet.


oh...*so she hasn't actually gone out yet*......???? lot's of jumping to conclusions here. The dance club/meat market/ looking for other men to f***. Not so fast my friend. 

Working out 3 times a week is actually good for you by the way.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

ArthurGPym said:


> OP is from Canada? Oh man, he's screwed.


Yup... Big time!
@Dthinks40s start watching: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCwNTe1lZ3-IN_7IjHWNSnkg


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Dthinks40s said:


> She doesn’t currently go out but she always mentions that she does want to go to clubs “to dance” and is planning to eventually. I asked her if she would want to go without me and she said i wouldn’t want to force you. She knows i would be miserable if i went. She spends at least 3 times a week working out at home. She is wayyy more sexually active and adventurous and we have done things we never used to. She says all her changes ate for me.. and for her. Yesterday I actually addressed the fact that i feel like she is having trouble connecting or expressing her love for me lately. I was hoping to get a little more effort from her today as its out anniversary but quite the opposite happened. I basically feel even more pushed away. No i love you texts yet.


I took it from your opening post that she was already hanging out. When and where is she drinking and smoking? Is she going to bars or is she at her friends house? If it’s at this girls house, how do you know she’s there and not at some bar? Also could there be guys at her friends house? 

The new wilder sex is not going to come out of nowhere. Unless her friend is telling your wife of her exploits and your wife is trying them out on you. With her being Not emotionally connected to you lately, she may want to try this with some young buck to feel young again.

You better work on your game. It’s a mistake to watch your wife up her sex rank and for you to not improve. If she hasn’t done anything yet, it won’t be long before she wants to take her new sexy self on the market. There will be plenty of 20 something guys who will love to hookup with a MILF who’s on the prowl. They will treat her like the free prostitute that her friend convinced her she should she yearns to be.

She has you to pay the bills and watch the kids, while she pathetically tries to act like a drunken college age women. It’s easy to see how we keep getting threads like this. Look at the movies and reality shows that Hollywood pumps out. Women are bombarded with the message to be promiscuous and to not value being a wife and mother. The concept that they are losing their identity by becoming a wife and mother is so pervasive today. When a man says such things, he’s rightly called out on it but if a woman says that, she’s empowering herself.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

jsmart said:


> I took it from your opening post that she was already hanging out. When and where is she drinking and smoking? Is she going to bars or is she at her friends house? If it’s at this girls house, how do you know she’s there and not at some bar? Also could there be guys at her friends house?
> 
> The new wilder sex is not going to come out of nowhere. Unless her friend is telling your wife of her exploits and your wife is trying them out on you. With her being Not emotionally connected to you lately, she may want to try this with some young buck to feel young again.
> 
> ...


Nobody's identity should be locked in solely on serving other people-- wife/mother, husband/father. Those are great and challenging roles to fulfill but there is more to any person than just those roles/labels and if you do not allow more you are looking at unhealthy, co-dependent relationships.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

uwe.blab said:


> Nobody's identity should be locked in solely on serving other people-- wife/mother, husband/father. Those are great and challenging roles to fulfill but there is more to any person than just those roles/labels and if you do not allow more you are looking at unhealthy, co-dependent relationships.


It’s not THAT she wants to have other facets of her life to pursue in addition to wife/mother (that’s fine), the issue is WHAT facets she wants to pursue and HOW she wants to do it that’s problematic. 
Wanting to have some life outside of marriage/family is fine, going out partying with single girlfriends at bars and clubs is NOT fine.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

uwe.blab said:


> Nobody's identity should be locked in solely on serving other people-- wife/mother, husband/father. Those are great and challenging roles to fulfill but there is more to any person than just those roles/labels and if you do not allow more you are looking at unhealthy, co-dependent relationships.


Huh?
That makes zero sense. One doesn’t have to go clubbing with the single 20 year old coworker to avoid some kind of rut.
People are who they are. If they’d rather go clubbing than be with their family, whatever.
She’s going out chasing men. She’s not having an “identity crisis”.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Dthinks40s said:


> She doesn’t currently go out but she always mentions that she does want to go to clubs “to dance” and is planning to eventually. I asked her if she would want to go without me and she said i wouldn’t want to force you. *She knows i would be miserable if i went.* She spends at least 3 times a week working out at home. She is wayyy more sexually active and adventurous and we have done things we never used to. She says all her changes ate for me.. and for her. Yesterday I actually addressed the fact that i feel like she is having trouble connecting or expressing her love for me lately. I was hoping to get a little more effort from her today as its out anniversary but quite the opposite happened. I basically feel even more pushed away. No i love you texts yet.


would you possibly want to RETHINK THAT THOUGHT????

She would want you to come along, but you are too lazy or bored by dancing to do so, so its ok for her to go pick up strange men at a bar to dance with??

Really??? You really think that is a good plan?


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

uwe.blab said:


> Nobody's identity should be locked in solely on serving other people-- wife/mother, husband/father. Those are great and challenging roles to fulfill but there is more to any person than just those roles/labels and if you do not allow more you are looking at unhealthy, co-dependent relationships.


I am responding to the last statement in JSmarts post (#68); not to the idea of partying like a single girl, etc. 

I do think that since OP says she has not gone out dancing and said she didnt want to "force him" to come with her, that the OP should go with her if she gets to the point where she is serious about going out dancing. If she then changes her mind about going together that tells him a little more about what is on her mind. I think at this point you really cannot be sure since she has not actually gone out dancing and did not completely shut down the idea of going with him. 

OP needs to let this play out a little more and see if she escalates by actually doing some of the things he has talked about. And working out is in fact a healthy habit. Until she takes some sort of unacceptable action beyond that....


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

uwe.blab said:


> Nobody's identity should be locked in solely on serving other people-- wife/mother, husband/father. Those are great and challenging roles to fulfill but there is more to any person than just those roles/labels and if you do not allow more you are looking at unhealthy, co-dependent relationships.


this is probably the whole root of the problem. She has made her whole life around the OP. it was relatively boring. she wants to go out dancing, but he never does. She wants to try wild and kinky new types of sex....but it never happens. She meets a fun party girl at work and starts asking WHY NOT? 

i put the blame squarely on BOTH OF THEM...until i see some proof otherwise. she is just horny and bored to tears.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

@Dthinks40s , there’s a lot of collective wisdom on this board but we need a realistic lay of the land. Your original post mentioned more drinking, smoking, and hanging with this new girl. But you then later clarify that she hasn’t gone out yet. Which is it? Also, Is she coming home from work at normal times?

Either way, you need to up your game. There’s no way you should physically stagnate , while she’s working out. Since she’s doing it at home, you should join her or do your own work out along side of her. If she’s dressing sexier to go to work, you need to also up your game. Like I told you before, work on your appearance, (clothes, hair, beard, hygiene, etc). The confidence boost will help you deal with her improvements. It’s easy to get defensive if she’s changing and leaving you behind. Let your wife see that her husband has still got it too.

I’m not advocating for you to turn into some metrosexual but after years of marriage and raising kids, we can easily fall into a rut and stop making an effort on our appearance. Maybe by making a big effort to improve yourself, she will want some of what she has at home without secretly fantasizing it was someone else.

Lastly, check her devices. You need to be sure she isn’t already in an EA with a coworker.
Please come back and fill in the holes in your thread. There’s always some insomniac on TAM, for you to bounce stuff off of.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Talker67 said:


> this is probably the whole root of the problem. She has made her whole life around the OP. it was relatively boring. she wants to go out dancing, but he never does. She wants to try wild and kinky new types of sex....but it never happens. She meets a fun party girl at work and starts asking WHY NOT?
> 
> i put the blame squarely on BOTH OF THEM...until i see some proof otherwise. she is just horny and bored to tears.


Agreed. OP has some concerns but he needs to clarify what is actually going on. A lot of generalizations and insecurity in that first post about stuff that she has brought up but not actually done. 

If, for instance, he finds out she has gone out dancing and didnt tell him, then there is a big betrayal and the other things become a real concern.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

ElwoodPDowd said:


> My BiLs always want to end the night in a whorehouse.


I think that is where men and women differ, or maybe just my pool? I wouldn’t even know where to go to find a whorehouse. I find that very odd that your BiLs can’t go have a night out.



ElwoodPDowd said:


> I'd divorce you just for that one sentence.


For saying my whole identity isn’t just being a wife and mother? I am also a multidude of other things such as a friend, a polo player, a music fanatic (singer songwriter nights).

I think it’s common for people to lose “themselves” because they are so wrapped up in the day to day. That is what I meant from that comment - not to forget that you are a wife for a night.



Evinrude58 said:


> So you dress up and get all fixed up so you can get some male validation, and for their efforts to give you that, you tell them “nicely” to take a hike?
> Find herself after becoming a mom? What the heck does that mean? Having a baby causes a woman to lose her identity? What? Why do these poor lost ladies get pregnant if they’re going to “lose themselves”??? If a lady doesn’t want to be identified as a mom, just stay on birth control. She can then remain the ever-impressive barfly that tells any man stupid enough to approach her to take a hike.
> 
> OP, you know as well as any reasonably intelligent person what skimpier dress means. You know why she’s going out to bars. You know why she seems distant.
> ...


You misread my post. I said many women, including myself, do not get dressed up for male validation. I feel good about MYSELF and feel like I have a better day when I take some time for self care.

Women who go out seeking affirmation from strangers or the pick me women are the ones who cheat In bars. 



Kaliber said:


> I'm sure if your husband said:
> 
> You will throw a serious fit!!
> SMH 🤦‍♂️


No, I wouldn’t. He is allowed to have a sense of self and still preserve the pieces of himself that make up his personality. That does include having guys nights that are respectful of boundaries. He can go watch a football game without slipping into a strippers vag by the end of the night.

My marriage has plenty of issues but I don’t think it’s healthy to prevent your partner from having their own identity.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

Al_Bundy said:


> Your wife could have gotten in shape for you at any point, but she didn't. She didn't care about her looks until she started hanging out with her single female friend (who hangs out with single guys). But wait, can't a girl have friendzzzzzzzzzzz????
> 
> So let's move on to the club. Let me guess, she "just likes to dance". Pure BS, clubs are meat markets, period. You only go there if you are looking for something.
> 
> Best of luck, but the problem here as others have said is you can find your story on this site already. Dozens, if not hundreds of times and so far none of them end well for the guy.


I’d like clarification on his definition of a club. The setting and context matter when discussing if this is a red flag.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

ABHale said:


> This could also read “There are plenty of wives who have GNO that end up in another man’s bed, car, bar parking lot, in the club and the toilet.


Also true, but I also recall a story here about a wife who slept with a man she met at a gas station. People who want to cheat will do it anywhere. Club, bar, gym, work, etc. I get alcohol can make it more likely but the thought was probably already there.

It really boils down to a lack of self respect and lack of respect for their marriage. The bar/club setting is just something easy to fixate on rather than the person’s behavior. If OP has to lock up his wife to keep her faithful then he needs to let that one go.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I think you should be very concerned. The gentleman Curtis Jackson wrote a poem that described what type of men she might find “In the Club” if I remember right, it went like:

_You can find me in the club, bottle full of bub
Look, mami, I got the X, if you into takin' drugs
I'm into havin' sex, I ain't into makin' love
So come give me a hug, if you into getting rubbed_

First off he is offering X which I believe might be slang for the narcotic agent 3,4-Methylenedioxymethamphetamine which is a serious and dangerous substance.

Then furthermore this character is offering their sexual services.

I don’t think this is a good environment for a wife and mother.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Dthinks40s said:


> She doesn’t currently go out but she always mentions that she does want to go to clubs “to dance” and is planning to eventually. I asked her if she would want to go without me and she said i wouldn’t want to force you. She knows i would be miserable if i went. She spends at least 3 times a week working out at home. She is wayyy more sexually active and adventurous and we have done things we never used to. She says all her changes ate for me.. and for her. Yesterday I actually addressed the fact that i feel like she is having trouble connecting or expressing her love for me lately. I was hoping to get a little more effort from her today as its out anniversary but quite the opposite happened. I basically feel even more pushed away. No i love you texts yet.


Brother, she is working on an exit path. If you wish to save your marriage, you better put your foot down and tell her that what she is doing is unacceptable. Unacceptable is the word you need to use over and over.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

If she does leave you keep in mind that being boring AF isn’t exactly something that gets women hot.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

So the little woman is tired of being bored in the bedroom and watching tv every damn night and is doing something to actually invigorate her marriage. 

Hang her, I say!


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## chazmataz33 (Apr 18, 2021)

So how did the anniversary go?


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## Dthinks40s (Sep 20, 2021)

chazmataz33 said:


> So how did the anniversary go?


Im Still looking for validation and reassurance that she loves me but all i get is i love yous and affection when i ask for it. She has an avoidant personality so im used to it. Meaning when she feels like she is in the wrong she just puts up a wall which makes things worse. After our discussion of me feeling that she is having trouble expressing affection she basically shut the door for the whole day. I only got responses after i asked her questions. When she came home she apologized for being upset about how i was feeling. We had a large meal and both went to bed for sleep. Even after all this it still feels like she is distant. She seems to have no trouble laughing it up and conversing with others at work, but seldom says stuff to me.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Blondilocks said:


> So the little woman is tired of being bored in the bedroom and watching tv every damn night and is doing something to actually invigorate her marriage.
> 
> Hang her, I say!


Um, dressing skimpy and going out to clubs with a single girlfriend to solicit male sexual attention from other men, is NOT an attempt to invigorate her marriage. 
It’s an attempt to invigorate herself at the expense of her marriage.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Dthinks40s said:


> Im Still looking for validation and reassurance


That is something you do for a woman .... not ask for as a man. My wife wouldn’t like if I did this at all. I get the feeling you are the type that wears your heart on your sleeve. It’s probably not your personality but I really think you need to man up a bit and quit shackling your happiness to your wife. From her perspective it is probably too much overburden. That isn’t attractive.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

She hasn’t been out to clubs yet?
Where does she wear the skimpy outfits? 
you won’t go out dancing with her EVER?
you are looking for her to give you some validation?

goong out clubbing with girlfriends is bs. BuT if she’d like you to go and you won’t, that says something too.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

i think you need to step up and institute surveillance mode, purchase some VARs and GPS tracker, you may want to install cameras in the house.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Evinrude58 said:


> She hasn’t been out to clubs yet?
> Where does she wear the skimpy outfits?
> you won’t go out dancing with her EVER?
> you are looking for her to give you some validation?
> ...


As per the above
1. Do not tolerate her going out clubbing with single girlfriends so she can solicit male attention. Because that’s what will happen, and it’s not good.

2. But that means if she still wants to go dancing, YOU need to take her from time to time. (From the sound of things she probably doesn’t actually want to go out clubbing with YOU, but if she does, then you need to give her some excitement).

My wife likes to go country dancing, loves the energy, music, environment, etc.
So, sometimes I take her out country dancing. I ****ing hate it (not the music or the environment, just the dancing).
But she gets a charge from it, and she wants that feeling, so I provide it.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Blondilocks said:


> So the little woman is tired of being bored in the bedroom and watching tv every damn night and is doing something to actually invigorate her marriage.
> 
> Hang her, I say!


There is no way you believe a club is a good place for a 40yo married with kids man or woman.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Dthinks40s said:


> Im Still looking for validation and reassurance that she loves me but all i get is i love yous and affection when i ask for it. She has an avoidant personality so im used to it. Meaning when she feels like she is in the wrong she just puts up a wall which makes things worse. After our discussion of me feeling that she is having trouble expressing affection she basically shut the door for the whole day. I only got responses after i asked her questions. When she came home she apologized for being upset about how i was feeling. We had a large meal and both went to bed for sleep. Even after all this it still feels like she is distant. She seems to have no trouble laughing it up and conversing with others at work, but seldom says stuff to me.


Do you work with her? If not then how do you know she is not having trouble with people there?


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

DudeInProgress said:


> As per the above
> 1. Do not tolerate her going out clubbing with single girlfriends so she can solicit male attention. Because that’s what will happen, and it’s not good.
> 
> 2. But that means if she still wants to go dancing, YOU need to take her from time to time. (From the sound of things she probably doesn’t actually want to go out clubbing with YOU, but if she does, then you need to give her some excitement).
> ...


This right here! If it is something that gives your wife a release, just try to participate. My husband also takes me out dancing because i LOVE IT and I was sick of not feeling like my partner cared about what brings me joy. It’s a give and take, and your wife won’t sit around feeing unfulfilled forever.

Take charge and pursue her. Plan nights out and show that you want to make memories as well. Your posts sound like you are wallowing and waiting for your wife to sweep you off of your feet.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Dthinks40s said:


> My once Introverted Wife and i (also an introvert) have been married for 13 years. She recently met a new friend at work that is changing her into an extrovert. Her new friend is a young single 20’s year old female that talks about sex with my wife all day long. I noticed many changes in my wife. A sudden need to lose weight and workout, buying skimmpier clothes, wearing more makeup, changing taste in music, drinking more, smoking more, wanting to dance and go to clubs, all things she was never into before. My Conversations with my wife and texts and communication feel like its gone out the window and seems distant now. There are times i text her and don’t receive a usual quick response sometimes almost an hour. I know she gets the messages instantly cause she has an apple watch. I talk with a male coworker of hers that tells me she is constantly talking with her female friend, not busy working. It feels like i took a back seat to her emotional well being like im being ignored. I tried confronting her about it but she is one to just cacoon and get silent until the issue goes away.. sometimes takes a day or two until we both forget about it. Our Physical relationship is great. We have sex almost everyday still.. but I feel like I’m just her way of getting off now and her emotional attraction to me is fading. Is our relationship doomed or am i just making a mountain out of a mole hill?


Being more of an extrovert? No problem. That is totally ok.
Dressing skimpier and going out to drink at clubs? That is a big no, no. You are playing with fire and that is bad news for married people to do. 
I'd go totally alpha on that. That should stop immediately. 
Tell her that is a deal breaker and an absolute no no. Be prepared to end the marriage over it. 
It sounds like this friend is a bad influence on her. 
Drinking and clubbing.....basically being hit on and talking to men all night, having drinks offered, flirting, dancing with other men is what that amounts to. 

Stand up and put and end to that.....even if it means divorce. If she truly values the marriage....giving up a SELFISH WANT is an easy call for her take make vs. hurting her husband and damaging the marriage. If she'd rather have her single life fun and flirt with men then why even keep her as a wife. She's given you her answer of how important your heart is and the marriage is to her. 
Stand up. Don't take it. If she keeps going out to clubs....hanging out for 4 hours of single men talking to her and flirting and talking to them, maybe dancing....etc. then being divorce proceedings. 

Dressing sexy, clubbing, drinking WITHOUT you (meaning this is what other men get to enjoy.....not you) that is a HUUUUUUUGE RED FLAG AND SERIOUS ISSUE.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I’m a major introvert and had a beautiful woman (very selfish woman) that I loved dearly. I’d take her out and we’d dance some, because she liked it and I did love a slow dance with her. We took waltz lessons and I liked that, too, and looked forward to dancing with her on our upcoming wedding night (which didn’t happen). These things I didn’t necessarily like to do, but since it made her happy, it made me happy. I suppose my point is this: You need to step out of your comfort zone once in a while. You May find you like it more than you think. Secondly, make sure your wife isn’t totally selfish and you’re changing yourself so much for her that you’re not happy. And realize that no matter what you do, things just don’t always work out like you plan, and that’s alright too.
Having one’s health and being alive is a good thing.
Is your wife really being selfish, or are you selfishly unwilling to get out of your comfort zone and give her a night out that she will remember and love you for? Only you can answer that.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

If I may ask a question. Why do you tolerate such behavior from her? Additionally, are you dealing with self esteem issues? If so please seek help. Being a doormat is no way to live. You are better than that.

I would ask that you consider reading Athol Kay’s Married Man’s Sex Life Primer and No More Mr. Nice Guy.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

uphillbattle said:


> There is no way you believe a club is a good place for a 40yo married with kids man or woman.


Unless they are there together. I used to live on the dance floor, sandwiched between the 2 best looking foxes in the club and another on the side. She's got Skillz! But have not been since married. Wife hated clubs because her ex was singer in band and clubs had all the groupirles hanging on him.


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## Dthinks40s (Sep 20, 2021)

uphillbattle said:


> Do you work with her? If not then how do you know she is not having trouble with people there?


Yes i work part time in the same office building but she is higher seniority and works full time


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Dthinks40s said:


> Im Still looking for validation and reassurance that she loves me but all i get is i love yous and affection when i ask for it. She has an avoidant personality so im used to it. Meaning when she feels like she is in the wrong she just puts up a wall which makes things worse. After our discussion of me feeling that she is having trouble expressing affection she basically shut the door for the whole day. I only got responses after i asked her questions. When she came home she apologized for being upset about how i was feeling. We had a large meal and both went to bed for sleep. Even after all this it still feels like she is distant. She seems to have no trouble laughing it up and conversing with others at work, but seldom says stuff to me.


Can you please clarify if your wife is hanging out with this friend? Is she working late? Is she distant with the kids? Have you checked her devices to make sure she’s not already involved with someone at work or is infatuated with someone?

As for wanting validation and reassurance of her love, you need to provide that for her. When a man is looking for their girl to give that to them, they view that as being needy. I know it’s not fare but that’s just the way it is.

I will repeat myself so you can let it sink in. YOU MUST WORK ON YOURSELF. Never allow yourself to fall far behind your woman’s sex rank. If your wife is working on her body and overall appearance, you NEED to do the same. Even if she’s doing the changes because she’s got a crush on some dude at the office, you must up your game. When your wife notices your improvements, she will come around.

Right now her friend is filling her head up with images of the hot guys that she’s hooked up with. You need to remind your wife with actions why she’s married to you. are you doing date nights? If not start. Doesn’t have to be clubbing either. Get reconnected with your buddy. Not to go out carousing but to do something with just guys. Poker, fantasy league, fishing, hunting, golfing, biking, etc.

Lastly, you need to start working out hard, like yesterday.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Divinely Favored said:


> Unless they are there together. I used to live on the dance floor, sandwiched between the 2 best looking foxes in the club and another on the side. She's got Skillz! But have not been since married. Wife hated clubs because her ex was singer in band and clubs had all the groupirles hanging on him.


Together is always going to be a different story.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Dthinks40s said:


> Yes i work part time in the same office building but she is higher seniority and works full time


Part time? Higher seniority? Please tell me your wife is not the main breadwinner.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Dthinks40s said:


> Yes i work part time in the same office building but she is higher seniority and works full time


This is a HUGE problem that you better address ASAP. What the **** is your value here?

Women want to respect and admire their man - and if they see themselves as above you, generally more capable than you, generally higher value than you, etc - they can’t respect you and can’t be attracted to you. And bad things will happen.

If she is more successful than you financially / career-wise, you better compensate for that by being an attractive badass that still leads the relationship and gives her the emotional rollercoaster / tingles.
And being a nice, supportive, dependable husband doesn’t suffice long-term dude.


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## Dthinks40s (Sep 20, 2021)

jsmart said:


> Part time? Higher seniority? Please tell me your wife is not the main breadwinner.


Yes she is the main bread winner of the fam after covid hit someone had to stay home with kids and i took the reigns as i owned my own company and things got slow. Had to since shutdown and am helping her out for now… cant look to get anything new started until it is more certain that another shutdown wont happen. If i find a fulltime gig, it would force her to give up time at work to tend to the kids. Something she cant do as she’s stressed enough at work.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Oh chit ...... it ain’t lookin good for you.

Your officially just the introvert babysitter that needs emotional support.

Not looking good .... not at all.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Mr.Married said:


> Oh chit ...... it ain’t lookin good for you.
> 
> Your officially just the introvert babysitter that needs emotional support.
> 
> Not looking good .... not at all.


Yeah.

You need to BE the emotional support, not the one who NEEDS the emotional support dude. You need to be non-emotionally-reactive oak for her.

If you need emotional support/validation (beyond occasional and fleeting), find it somewhere else. 
She doesn’t want to provide that and it diminishes you in her eyes. Sorry, it sucks and probably feels unfair, but that’s generally the reality of intersexual dynamics.
Find some men to get your emotional support/validation from.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Dthinks40s said:


> My wife is in her late 30’s and we have 2 kids , 8 and 11. We met when she was 19, not sure if i should try and become and extrovert and change as well or just embrace her changes? For some reason her lack of concern and no jealousy on get part is a little unnerving. She says its because she trusts me whole heartedly. She says all her changes are because she feels more confident because she is losing weight. .. but why does that mean she is getting more distant? She think nothing has changed. I dont know what to make of it.


I think you should designate some time for yourself, with your own friends. I feel like once she sees this new element of mystery, she will start to get jealous. I know it's not you to do so (based on how you describe yourself), but perhaps this calls for a taste of her own medicine.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Dthinks40s said:


> Yes she is the main bread winner of the fam after covid hit someone had to stay home with kids and i took the reigns as i owned my own company and things got slow. Had to since shutdown and am helping her out for now… cant look to get anything new started until it is more certain that another shutdown wont happen. If i find a fulltime gig, it would force her to give up time at work to tend to the kids. Something she cant do as she’s stressed enough at work.


A household helper / male nanny is not attractive or arousing to a woman. Even worse an emotionally needy one that’s looking for validation from her.

And if she’s not attracted to you, she’ll be looking for someone else to be attracted to.


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## Dthinks40s (Sep 20, 2021)

Mr.Married said:


> That is something you do for a woman .... not ask for as a man. My wife wouldn’t like if I did this at all. I get the feeling you are the type that wears your heart on your sleeve. It’s probably not your personality but I really think you need to man up a bit and quit shackling your happiness to your wife. From her perspective it is probably too much overburden. That isn’t attractive.


I have never asked until now. Im tired of always being the one to say ily first. Asking for hugs and kisses shouldnt be. It should just happen. I always randomly send her loving messages or sneak up a hug and do romantic things for her… but i get nothing. She says its too hard for her to express her feelings and its like pulling teeth for her to even write a card on our anniversary.. which she didn’t do.  not even a simple gift.. this is why im apprehensive that something is wrong.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

How long has she been doing nothing for you on your anniversary?


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Dthinks40s said:


> Yes she is the main bread winner of the fam after covid hit someone had to stay home with kids and i took the reigns as i owned my own company and things got slow. Had to since shutdown and am helping her out for now… cant look to get anything new started until it is more certain that another shutdown wont happen. If i find a fulltime gig, it would force her to give up time at work to tend to the kids. Something she cant do as she’s stressed enough at work.


@Dthinks40s prepare for the "Monkey Branching" scenario (google it)..
Many women resent men who make less and are not the main providers!
*Plus you are emotionally needy now, and this is an attraction killer for many women (if not ALL!)*

Finance is the main reason women file for divorce it comes either by filing or having an exit affairs!
Exit affairs are the type when your wife starts upping her sex rank (SMV) for other men (Not for you!) to score another partner, once she has one ready she monkey branches to him and dumps you!



Dthinks40s said:


> She says its too hard for her to express her feelings and its like pulling teeth for her to even write a card on our anniversary.. which she didn’t do.  not even a simple gift.. this is why im apprehensive that something is wrong.


There is a vey big possibility (from what you wrote) that she is detaching herself emotionally from you!
She is looking for a new deal!
She is getting support and help from her friends at work, in no time she will find someone else and ditches you!
You are now a burden to her!
Don't get blindsided and don't be weak!

Men who are passive, emotionally weak and slow in realising what's going on with their wives always get screwed finically and emotionally at the end, so be proactive!
Read the infidelity section and you will see how many chumps are paralyzed and weak on taken actions to protect themselves and maintain their self respect!

*Open your eyes and start checking on her!*
It's better to be safe than sorry!
*Hope for the best but prepare for the worst!*


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Dthinks40s said:


> I have never asked until now. Im tired of always being the one to say ily first. Asking for hugs and kisses shouldnt be. It should just happen. *I always randomly send her loving messages or sneak up a hug and do romantic things for her… but i get nothing*. She says its too hard for her to express her feelings and its like pulling teeth for her to even write a card on our anniversary.. which she didn’t do.  not even a simple gift.. this is why im apprehensive that something is wrong.


I don't know how far you live from me but I can smell your desperation from her. If I can she for sure can.
You don't do these things with the expectation of getting anything back. You should do them out of love. Period. You come off as codependent. Regardless of money issues that you will get jammed down your throat for the next 50 posts what you are doing is going to drive anyone away. STOP.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Dthinks40s said:


> I have never asked until now. Im tired of always being the one to say ily first. Asking for hugs and kisses shouldnt be. It should just happen. I always randomly send her loving messages or sneak up a hug and do romantic things for her… but i get nothing. She says its too hard for her to express her feelings and its like pulling teeth for her to even write a card on our anniversary.. which she didn’t do.  not even a simple gift.. this is why im apprehensive that something is wrong.


Yes, something is wrong. Something is very wrong. It seems almost certain that she does not respect you and is not attracted to you.

And constantly chasing her around and throwing “I love you’s” at her and asking for affection is weak, pathetic and extremely unattractive.
That kind of behavior only pushes her away more.

You need to back off, get a lot more aloof, while still being pleasant and engaging.
But do it with confidence, not needy timidness.

If you want a hug or a kiss or…, Just go do it. Slap her ass when you pass her in the kitchen, be flirty and fun.
Grab her and kiss her and then walk away.

You need to lead your marriage and establish the relationship dynamics, instead of reacting to her and following her around asking for scraps like a puppy.


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## Dthinks40s (Sep 20, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> How long has she been doing nothing for you on your anniversary?


This will be the first time. But she always has hated expressing her feelings.


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## Dthinks40s (Sep 20, 2021)

uphillbattle said:


> I don't know how far you live from me but I can smell your desperation from her. If I can she for sure can.
> You don't do these things with the expectation of getting anything back. You should do them out of love. Period. You come off as codependent. Regardless of money issues that you will get jammed down your throat for the next 50 posts what you are doing is going to drive anyone away. STOP.


I do these things purely out of love and its more a reflex out of love then anything. I would have to consciously tell myself not to do anything loving in order to Stop. Is that the key? Just stop showing my affection towards her?


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## Dthinks40s (Sep 20, 2021)

DudeInProgress said:


> Yes, something is wrong. Something is very wrong. It seems almost certain that she does not respect you and is not attracted to you.
> 
> And constantly chasing her around and throwing “I love you’s” at her and asking for affection is weak, pathetic and extremely unattractive.
> That kind of behavior only pushes her away more.
> ...


Great advice. I will try that. Aloofness


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Dthinks40s said:


> Great advice. I will try that. Aloofness


Just make sure it’s confident, pleasant, amused aloofness.
Not butthurt, angry, sulky aloofness.


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## Dthinks40s (Sep 20, 2021)

DudeInProgress said:


> Just make sure it’s confident, pleasant, amused aloofness.
> Not butthurt, angry, sulky aloofness.


Got it. Thanks for trying to help. Fingers crossed


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## Dthinks40s (Sep 20, 2021)

DudeInProgress said:


> Yeah.
> 
> You need to BE the emotional support, not the one who NEEDS the emotional support dude. You need to be non-emotionally-reactive oak for her.
> 
> ...


Sounds about right. She needs me to be a man. I need to man up.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

DudeInProgress said:


> Um, dressing skimpy and going out to clubs with a single girlfriend to solicit male sexual attention from other men, is NOT an attempt to invigorate her marriage.
> It’s an attempt to invigorate herself at the expense of her marriage.


Um, she hasn't gone clubbing, yet.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Dude, there are several men that this dynamic has happened when the wife became the main bread winner. All the ones I have read about ended up cheating on their husbands. Man up and stop following her around like a puppy. Do things with your kids. Read the 180 and No More Mr Nice Guy. 

Find a job, the biggest problem, same with a SAHM, is the spouse filing for divorce. You need a real full time job to protect yourself.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Dthinks40s said:


> This will be the first time. But she always has hated expressing her feelings.


A lot of people have trouble saying "I love you" or being all that expressive and lovey. But yeah, her doing nothing on your anniversary is worrisome. 

You keep trying to prompt her to be nice back by being nice, but I am just going to tell you there is one basic rule about behavior that applies to everyone, animals and people: Don't reward bad behavior. You may ignore it, or in a human relationship, you may try to find out what's wrong, but when she's being negligent or whatever, don't reward her with words of love and hugs and all that right at that moment, because she'll think she's doing everything just right for you. Either tell her your feeling or resolve to ignore it. But don't reward bad behavior with praise! You can wait until she does or says something nice and then praise her and reward her. Like if she cooks a nice meal or brings you a beer or cuddles with you watching tv or runs an errand instead of asking you to do it. Be nice and appreciative then. Doesn't sound like she's ever going to be verbal with you, though. That doesn't always mean anything bad. Plenty of men and women are like that. But her glossing over an anniversary, for a woman, that's unusual -- unless you have done that in the past and she's following your lead, and I doubt that.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Blondilocks said:


> Um, she hasn't gone clubbing, yet.


But as I understand it, that is her stated intent. So what’s your point? 
Whether she’s already doing it, or intends to start doing it - the problem, as well as the response remains the same.

Whether it’s the NEXT time or the FIRST time she tells him “I’m going out to the club with my girlfriend”...

The appropriate response is “have fun, but be advised that will require me to reevaluate our relationship and marriage. 
Because I’m not willing to be a husband to a wife that goes out to clubs with her single friends. It’s not something I will accept in my marriage, so if you value our marriage, you should rethink that plan.”


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

She may be giving him an opportunity to step up and actually be interested in doing something fun.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Dthinks40s said:


> Yes she is the main bread winner of the fam after covid hit someone had to stay home with kids and i took the reigns as i owned my own company and things got slow. Had to since shutdown and am helping her out for now… cant look to get anything new started until it is more certain that another shutdown wont happen. If i find a fulltime gig, it would force her to give up time at work to tend to the kids. Something she cant do as she’s stressed enough at work.


what type of company do you have?

all the building trades are flat out with work right now, can not accept even one more job. they are making money hand over fist.

why did you not re-open YOUR company, like 8 months ago when the economy went straight up?


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Blondilocks said:


> She may be giving him an opportunity to step up and actually be interested in doing something fun.


That is a possibility. 
And as I said previously, it is in his best interest to make sure he’s providing her some excitement. 
Or she’ll start looking elsewhere for it. Which seems to be about where she’s at.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

uphillbattle said:


> Together is always going to be a different story.


In my book neither spouse has any business going out to the meat market(club) without their spouse. They do they are shopping and looking for fun with the opposite sex that is not tgeir spouse.


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## Dthinks40s (Sep 20, 2021)

Update: ok, so here is the long and short of it all. She came to bed yesterday and out of nowhere sang me a love song that basically said thank God I found you and you are the love of my life. It made me realize that all these thoughts of doubt and fear are not about her at all, but about me. I was being needy and jealous Because she was the only thing left of certainty in my life after all that has gone on, so i had to cling and hold on to her for dear life and any signs of change i took for wanting to escape. The only problem was clinging and becoming dependent to someone only drives them further away. I excepted her to give me 80% of my emotional need cause thats what i give her, but the reality is we need emotional support divided out by many people not just one. For the past week I decided to give her space and took her detachment as a way for her to have some time for herself NOT as a fact that she doesn’t care for me, cause she does. Our minds like to convince us things that dont really exist. I have found assurance in friends and family and in bettering myself which helps take the focus off her and onto me.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Dthinks40s said:


> Update: ok, so here is the long and short of it all. She came to bed yesterday and out of nowhere sang me a love song that basically said thank God I found you and you are the love of my life. It made me realize that all these thoughts of doubt and fear are not about her at all, but about me. I was being needy and jealous Because she was the only thing left of certainty in my life after all that has gone on, so i had to cling and hold on to her for dear life and any signs of change i took for wanting to escape. The only problem was clinging and becoming dependent to someone only drives them further away. I excepted her to give me 80% of my emotional need cause thats what i give her, but the reality is we need emotional support divided out by many people not just one. For the past week I decided to give her space and took her detachment as a way for her to have some time for herself NOT as a fact that she doesn’t care for me, cause she does. Our minds like to convince us things that dont really exist. I have found assurance in friends and family and in bettering myself which helps take the focus off her and onto me.


better work on finding a better job and get out of the house, and a lot of your problems will disappear. If not, they’ll return.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

Dthinks40s said:


> Update: ok, so here is the long and short of it all. She came to bed yesterday and out of nowhere sang me a love song that basically said thank God I found you and you are the love of my life. It made me realize that all these thoughts of doubt and fear are not about her at all, but about me. I was being needy and jealous Because she was the only thing left of certainty in my life after all that has gone on, so i had to cling and hold on to her for dear life and any signs of change i took for wanting to escape. The only problem was clinging and becoming dependent to someone only drives them further away. I excepted her to give me 80% of my emotional need cause thats what i give her, but the reality is we need emotional support divided out by many people not just one. For the past week I decided to give her space and took her detachment as a way for her to have some time for herself NOT as a fact that she doesn’t care for me, cause she does. Our minds like to convince us things that dont really exist. I have found assurance in friends and family and in bettering myself which helps take the focus off her and onto me.


Good job OP! You are about to feel an amazing sense of independence and fulfillment that only comes from taking for of your own needs.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Dthinks40s said:


> Update: ok, so here is the long and short of it all. She came to bed yesterday and out of nowhere sang me a love song that basically said thank God I found you and you are the love of my life. It made me realize that all these thoughts of doubt and fear are not about her at all, but about me. I was being needy and jealous Because she was the only thing left of certainty in my life after all that has gone on, so i had to cling and hold on to her for dear life and any signs of change i took for wanting to escape. The only problem was clinging and becoming dependent to someone only drives them further away. I excepted her to give me 80% of my emotional need cause thats what i give her, but the reality is we need emotional support divided out by many people not just one. For the past week I decided to give her space and took her detachment as a way for her to have some time for herself NOT as a fact that she doesn’t care for me, cause she does. Our minds like to convince us things that dont really exist. I have found assurance in friends and family and in bettering myself which helps take the focus off her and onto me.


Hopefully she loves you enough to focus on you and the children rather than a young single lady who is a bad influence on her.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Dthinks40s said:


> Update: ok, so here is the long and short of it all. She came to bed yesterday and out of nowhere sang me a love song that basically said thank God I found you and you are the love of my life. It made me realize that all these thoughts of doubt and fear are not about her at all, but about me. I was being needy and jealous Because she was the only thing left of certainty in my life after all that has gone on, so i had to cling and hold on to her for dear life and any signs of change i took for wanting to escape. The only problem was clinging and becoming dependent to someone only drives them further away. I excepted her to give me 80% of my emotional need cause thats what i give her, but the reality is we need emotional support divided out by many people not just one. For the past week I decided to give her space and took her detachment as a way for her to have some time for herself NOT as a fact that she doesn’t care for me, cause she does. Our minds like to convince us things that dont really exist. I have found assurance in friends and family and in bettering myself which helps take the focus off her and onto me.


Well....that was nice of her. Good.
The clubbing is still a NO NO. 
I do not know what singing a song means as far as her plans to dress up hot and to go hang out until 3 or 4 am at the clubs with single, horny guys talking the women up all night, buying drinks, flirting, dancing.....etc. 

A nice song shouldn't be a pass to be a married woman without her husband clubbing and drinking out late at night. 

I don't know where we stand on that.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Dthinks40s said:


> Update: ok, so here is the long and short of it all. She came to bed yesterday and out of nowhere sang me a love song that basically said thank God I found you and you are the love of my life. It made me realize that all these thoughts of doubt and fear are not about her at all, but about me. I was being needy and jealous Because she was the only thing left of certainty in my life after all that has gone on, so i had to cling and hold on to her for dear life and any signs of change i took for wanting to escape. The only problem was clinging and becoming dependent to someone only drives them further away. I excepted her to give me 80% of my emotional need cause thats what i give her, but the reality is we need emotional support divided out by many people not just one. For the past week I decided to give her space and took her detachment as a way for her to have some time for herself NOT as a fact that she doesn’t care for me, cause she does. Our minds like to convince us things that dont really exist. I have found assurance in friends and family and in bettering myself which helps take the focus off her and onto me.


In her own way she’s trying, which means she still cares. But you must not smother her. Backing off a bit will help but it has to be about you being busy being awesome not you sulking. 

If your business can’t be restarted yet, get busy with another side hustle. You can’t continue to have your wife carry the load almost all by herself. It is emasculating you. That is the reason you feel insecure. And that insecurity is pushing your wife away.

Your wife will respect you more if your working full time, even if your making less than her. If you can’t find a full time job then go wait on tables, be a security guard or Uber. Doing any of these side hustle along with your part time job will show your wife that my man is trying. Yes he’s making less than me but he’s out there hustling. A woman will respect that more than you being a SAHD. 

Once again, get busy working on yourself. Exercise and overall appearance.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

So she sang a sound and everything is ok now. Wow, who would have guessed.

Get a job, your going to need it.


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

What's happened since the love song was sung @Dthinks40s ?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Dthinks40s said:


> Update: ok, so here is the long and short of it all. She came to bed yesterday and out of nowhere sang me a love song that basically said thank God I found you and you are the love of my life. It made me realize that all these thoughts of doubt and fear are not about her at all, but about me. I was being needy and jealous Because she was the only thing left of certainty in my life after all that has gone on, so i had to cling and hold on to her for dear life and any signs of change i took for wanting to escape. The only problem was clinging and becoming dependent to someone only drives them further away. I excepted her to give me 80% of my emotional need cause thats what i give her, but the reality is we need emotional support divided out by many people not just one. For the past week I decided to give her space and took her detachment as a way for her to have some time for herself NOT as a fact that she doesn’t care for me, cause she does. Our minds like to convince us things that dont really exist. I have found assurance in friends and family and in bettering myself which helps take the focus off her and onto me.


So, your lady can sing. Take her to a karaoke bar and let her sing while you sit. You won't have to dance and she'll get her kicks.


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