# Name calling



## Sincerelyme (Aug 17, 2019)

*Introducing myself*
x


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Wow, you make it sound as you are both alpha type personalities, but culturally do you both come from explosive type families? I will ask more shortly.


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## Sincerelyme (Aug 17, 2019)

m


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

A good book would be The 5 Love languages-Gary Chapman, will help you both if willing to make an honest effort. It describes what you and your partner needs to know they feel Loved.

The way you know and the way he will know. It eliminates the other ways you think he, he should know he feels love, because it's what you need to feel Loved but are not his ways to feel Loved. Now it will be a new way for both of you sure.

Maybe stubbornness on both your parts, (bring each of your histories to the new relationship but guess what they didn't work then and they probably won't work now).


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

All posters here are and do have your best interest at heart it is because we all have experienced pain and suffering, some post will hit you between the eyes and others may hit you with a 2x4 else where. But remember this it doesn't have to be what you want to here, just what you may need to hear.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Wow, you make it sound as you are both alpha type personalities, but culturally do you both come from explosive type families? I will ask more shortly.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Having survived it as a kid, really watching my Mom be verbally screamed at and intimidated by my step father I feel it's abuse, similar to physical abuse. Abuse in marriage is never good. My step father always used to blame his poor behavior on my "Mom's" actions too. Thing is I know if she could have kicked his ass I bet he would have control of is anger. Besides we spent most of the time hiding from him and his bad moods. Frankly action like this a a product of a weak mind nothing else. As a man I say spoiled little boys act like this not men.

He says he is sorry but true remorse involves action and change so that it never happens again. 

Having that man in my life through my teenage years had a profoundly negative affect on my life around that time. I believe it was much worse then my Dad's cheating and their divorce. I believe it made me timid and it took probably 10 years after I moved out at 18 to recover. Which means I got started 10 years later then I should have. The finally divorced at that point after some pushing from me. 

You say nothing of kids, here is hoping you don't have any yet, don't until this is resolved either through his active work to change or you moving on.

Look at the end of the day we decide how we get to be treated.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

A good book would be The 5 Love languages-Gary Chapman, will help you both if willing to make an honest effort. It describes what you and your partner needs to know they feel Loved.

The way you know and the way he will know. It eliminates the other ways you think he, he should know he feels love, because it's what you need to feel Loved but are not his ways to feel Loved. Now it will be a new way for both of you sure.

Maybe stubbornness on both your parts, (bring each of your histories to the new relationship but guess what they didn't work then and they probably won't work now).


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

All posters here are and do have your best interest at heart it is because we all have experienced pain and suffering, some post will hit you between the eyes and others may hit you with a 2x4 else where. But remember this it doesn't have to be what you want to here, just what you may need to hear.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Sincerelyme said:


> Is this enough to divorce him?


You are here asking that question for the same reasons you have tolerated his abuse for two years. You don't know who you are, and so you haven't established standards for your life and relationships.

What other people might think is divorce-worthy or what they may be willing to tolerate are not necessarily the things you should tolerate. And what you decide is intolerable, you should also determine is enough for divorce. 

So decide for yourself who you are, and then determine for yourself what you will and will not tolerate. Google verbal and emotional abuse and see that is what your husband is doing. Abuse of any kind should not be tolerated for any reason. But I say that based on knowing who I am and knowing what I refuse to put up with. So again, you decide who you are.

It doesn't matter if his apologies are genuine or not. Abusive men apologize and then be nice and loving and all that jazz just so they can fool you into sticking around for them to abuse you again. And the cycle repeats over and over. You were duped into marrying him and you've been duped into sticking around for two years putting up with him.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Forget about any book recommendations. There is no book to stop abusive people from abusing. All The 5 Love Languages will do is give him more ideas for being nice to you just so he can set you up even better for the abuse.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

You are not in a safe, secure relationship. Please get out and work on your self-esteem. Any children? xx


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Its completely unacceptable, but you have enabled him to do it for a long time. Give him an ultimatum, he either stops or you are leaving, and mean it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Introducing myself*

@Sincerelyme

I merged your 2 threads. You will get better input with only one thread on the topic.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

He might need medication if he’s frequently angry and out of control.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sincerelyme said:


> Hello. I’m a first time poster. My question is regarding my husband’s tendency to call me names like c_**, h_, b_tch, and say things like “we are over” “get out of my
> House” (I moved in with him) when he’s upset at me then later say he didn’t mean it. He apologizes half the time, and he says that he did those things because I made him upset. Is this enough to divorce him? It’s been happening for two years. It started happening after I moved in with him. I sold my house to move in with him. I think he’s genuine when he says he’s sorry and didn’t mean those things because he is usually very nice tender and a good partner. When he does it, I feel awful.


When he's in one of these outbursts, has he ever done things like punch the wall, pounded in furniture, thrown or broken things?

Your husband is verbally/emotionally abusive. You say that most of the time he's a good partner. Sounds like there are two of him... the 'nice guy' and the 'abusive guy'. Most abusers are not abusive all the time. Why? Because their victim is most likely to leave them because of the extreme situation. Instead they are very good for some time, and then when it suits them they display angry and abusive behavior. Then they go back to being very good and apologizing for their abusive behavior.

There is actually a term for that: "The Cycle of Abuse": https://www.cleverism.com/cycle-of-abuse/

Yes, it's enough for you to leave him. But you do not seem to be sure of yourself. If you need extra support to get out of this relationship, get counseling for yourself, from someone who specialized in helping victims of abuse.


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## Trying To Understand (Feb 28, 2019)

Yes, it's sufficient for divorce unless your husband can get a grip immediately. Speaking as a 32 year old man, I can't imagine calling a woman the C word, or B word for that matter. That is showing profound immaturity and lack of regard.

If you're doing the same to him, then you are participating in a mutually toxic arrangement.

Most people in relationships devolve into blaming the other for all their problems unless they're mature enough to have learned how to take responsibility for their feelings and actions. It sounds like your husband hasn't done that yet, and it's very unlikely he will at his age.


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## Sincerelyme (Aug 17, 2019)

My mother was verbally and physically abusive. It took me years to heal from it. I do react and start yelling and calling him names too. I’m sad and regretful I have become like that. It’s not the person I want to be. We do get along well and we are very similar. Yes he’s gotten physically violent with me as well. I will talk to him. I’ve has the talk but he always says Yes I know it’s wrong and I feel horrible. Why do you have to bring it up. Why do you bring up the bad things etc. can’t you see that I’m trying to let that go etc


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## Sincerelyme (Aug 17, 2019)

I feel a deep sense of failure. My first marriage of 16 years failed because he was a gambler. Now this one is abusive. Maybe I am destined to be alone.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Sincerelyme said:


> Hello. I’m a first time poster. My question is regarding my husband’s tendency to call me names like c_**, h_, b_tch, and say things like “we are over” “get out of my
> House” (I moved in with him) when he’s upset at me then later say he didn’t mean it. He apologizes half the time, and he says that he did those things because I made him upset. Is this enough to divorce him? It’s been happening for two years. It started happening after I moved in with him. I sold my house to move in with him. I think he’s genuine when he says he’s sorry and didn’t mean those things because he is usually very nice tender and a good partner. When he does it, I feel awful.


Can you afford your own house? I think if you can you should get one.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sincerelyme said:


> I feel a deep sense of failure. My first marriage of 16 years failed because he was a gambler. Now this one is abusive. Maybe I am destined to be alone.


Remember that each failure provides us with an education.

Did you know before you married your ex that he gambled or had other compulsive/addictive behaviors?

With this new husband, did he pick on your before you married him, even in the slightest of way? For example I was married to an abusive man. When I look back to when we were dating the started doing little nit-pick things that I just brushed off. He would make negative comments about my hair style. He made negative comments about how I dressed. I dressed very well. He said that it made me look snobby... but I bought most of my clothing either on deep sale at a department stores. By the time we were married a few years, the was calling me names, I could never do anything right in his eyes, etc. I got to be horrible.

I went to counseling at an organization for abused people. During the intake sessions, the counselor asked me what I wanted to learn from counseling. I told her that I wanted to learn why I keep picking the wrong kind of guy (this was my second marriage). She replied "That's easy. You did not pick him. He picked you."

She went on to explain that abusive people look for easy going people who basically make excuses when they do abusive things. Early in a relationship they will start out with what she called 'testing'. For example my ex's comments about my hair. There was nothing wrong with my hair. It was a test to see if I would allow myself to be insulted like that. I passed his test. My reaction to his comments about my hair was that they were odd, but that it did not harm because I like my hair just the way it is. He just kept doing these little things over time.

The counselor told me that basically I had no boundaries when it came to verbal abuse. I would just shrug of things or sort of blame it on myself for being too sensitive. After all I rationalized, he was just speaking his mind. 

The counselor said that a woman who strong boundaries would have dumped his sorry behind the first or second time he did that. Why because they live by boundaries to protect themselves: "I will not be in a relationship with anyone who insults me, puts me down, calls me names, etc." A boundary is about what you will allow in your life. 

So, the way he picked me is that he dated a lot of women. He did this sort of nonsense to all of them. I knew some of the others I know he did because I saw it. It was very mild and under handed at first, but in retrospect I recognize it. Those other women had good boundaries. They left. So he managed to eliminate all the women who had strong boundaries and would not put up with his nonsense. I was the last one standing... and we got married. He picked the only one who put up with his abuse. 

Abusive people do not realize that they do this. They typically learn it growing up from abusive parents. I did not meet his father until after we were married. As it turned out, his father was very emotionally abusive to my ex's mother, my ex and his sister. I could see where my ex learned his abusive behavior.

There are some good books on Amazon about setting boundaries. You would most likely benefit from reading a couple of them and doing the work that they say to do. You will learn how to protect yourself from this sort of stuff.


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## Sincerelyme (Aug 17, 2019)

Yes last year I bought my own townhouse which I escape to very often. Also I think it is correct that he chose me. I’m very laid back and let a lot of things slide..


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Physically violent as well? No.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

StarFires said:


> Forget about any book recommendations. There is no book to stop abusive people from abusing. All The 5 Love Languages will do is give him more ideas for being nice to you just so he can set you up even better for the abuse.


Yep


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Sincerelyme said:


> My mother was verbally and physically abusive. It took me years to heal from it. … Yes he’s gotten physically violent with me as well. I will talk to him. I’ve has the talk but he always says Yes I know it’s wrong and I feel horrible. Why do you have to bring it up. Why do you bring up the bad things etc. can’t you see that I’m trying to let that go etc


Uh, sorry, no … you haven't healed from your mother's abuse. If you had, you would run away from this man and not look back.

Talking isn't going to fix this. Why bother? Here is what I can't understand, but maybe you can explain it to me: Why would ANYONE stay with someone who has been "physically violent" with them? Seriously, WHY???


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

personofinterest said:


> StarFires said:
> 
> 
> > Forget about any book recommendations. There is no book to stop abusive people from abusing. All The 5 Love Languages will do is give him more ideas for being nice to you just so he can set you up even better for the abuse.
> ...


A good book would be The 5 Love languages-Gary Chapman, will help you both if willing to make an honest effort. It describes what you and your partner needs to know they feel Loved.


I recommend this book before the threads we're merged. Not going to help.


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## Sincerelyme (Aug 17, 2019)

So basically there is no tolerance for name calling? Do you think some people, based on their past, revert to that behavior because that’s what they grew up with, and it is an impulsive behavior, that they don’t mean it? His mother is very aggressive and demeans him in front of me and his kids. Due to his abusive mouth he is estranged from his adopted brother. Maybe I’m too forgiving. But you are all correct, I should not put up with it. We tried counseling and he owned up to it in therapy but just a few days later it would go back to the same. I’m ready to end things with him. I’m at my wits end.


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## Sincerelyme (Aug 17, 2019)

Thank you for this. This is very helpful. I do think I’ve been too forgiving and soft. He takes advantage of it.


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## Sincerelyme (Aug 17, 2019)

I think you are on to something. We both had abusive mothers and subdued fathers. His family is definitely more harsh in mannerisms than mine. Because I’m a girl I was raised to be more subservient and gentle mannered. I grew up watching my parents fight a lot and my mother was abusive towards me so yes I have a lot of issues myself.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Sincerelyme said:


> So basically there is no tolerance for name calling? Do you think some people, based on their past, revert to that behavior because that’s what they grew up with, and it is an impulsive behavior, that they don’t mean it? His mother is very aggressive and demeans him in front of me and his kids. Due to his abusive mouth he is estranged from his adopted brother. Maybe I’m too forgiving. But you are all correct, I should not put up with it. We tried counseling and he owned up to it in therapy but just a few days later it would go back to the same. I’m ready to end things with him. I’m at my wits end.



Not normal sane people,

Yes l would say those that were or are still abuse, using that life style as a coping mechanism. He hates his mother and just maybe women in general.

Now that could be the case you both are in needed of IC. And hold your tongue, one of you has to be the bigger person.


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## Sincerelyme (Aug 17, 2019)

We had a point in our conversation today where name calling came up and he said I’m sorry, it won’t happen again. See this always happens. He seems very sincere.


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## Sincerelyme (Aug 17, 2019)

With the physical violence part I’ve also gotten to the point where I will fight back.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Sincerelyme said:


> We had a point in our conversation today where name calling came up and he said I’m sorry, it won’t happen again. See this always happens. He seems very sincere.


So what that "he seems very sincere." If he were sincere, it wouldn't keep happening. I never understand why women have to be convinced they are being abused when they came here complaining about the abuse.

Sincerelyme, if your last sentence were true, you wouldn't have to say the sentence that came before it. I requested earlier today that you google verbal and emotional abuse to understand what it means, but you haven't done that yet? You can also call 211 and ask for the locations of a few Domestic Violence shelters in your area. Call to find out which ones have a counselor on premises. They will be happy to speak with you. You can also get the locations from the Domestic Violence Hotline 800-799-7233.


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## Elniño (Aug 18, 2019)

Agree w 5 love languages


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Sincerelyme said:


> Hello. I’m a first time poster. My question is regarding my husband’s tendency to call me names like c_**, h_, b_tch, and say things like “we are over” “get out of my
> House” (I moved in with him) when he’s upset at me then later say he didn’t mean it. He apologizes half the time, and he says that he did those things because I made him upset. Is this enough to divorce him? It’s been happening for two years. It started happening after I moved in with him. I sold my house to move in with him. I think he’s genuine when he says he’s sorry and didn’t mean those things because he is usually very nice tender and a good partner. When he does it, I feel awful.


Yes that's enough to leave. More than enough. Not only is he name calling, he's threatening divorce every time you argue? How can you live like that?

If my husband EVER called me a b or a c, he'd only do it once!



Sincerelyme said:


> So basically there is no tolerance for name calling? Do you think some people, based on their past, revert to that behavior because that’s what they grew up with, and it is an impulsive behavior, that they don’t mean it? His mother is very aggressive and demeans him in front of me and his kids. Due to his abusive mouth he is estranged from his adopted brother. Maybe I’m too forgiving. But you are all correct, I should not put up with it. We tried counseling and he owned up to it in therapy but just a few days later it would go back to the same. I’m ready to end things with him. I’m at my wits end.



You need to leave not only for yourself, but for your children that you brought into this toxic mess. You chose this, they didn't. You don't have the right to subject them to this. If I were your ex, I'd be filing for full custody.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

People very often repeat as adults what they saw and heard as children -- even when they know it's wrong -- because it was normal in their family. That's why abuse frequently continues for generation after generation.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

As an ex-angry man, I can tell you he can't help it. I never did the name-calling or physical stuff, but I used to get angry when I was again "denied" sex after a long dry spell. My outburst would last about 3 seconds and I would leave the room. No name calling, just saying hurtful stuff. I always regretted it afterwards and apologised profusely. I also grew up with a violent, terrifying father. This is were it's coming from. He needs individual therapy and anger management. He won't make it on his own. He will do it again.


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## Sincerelyme (Aug 17, 2019)

In Absentia said:


> As an ex-angry man, I can tell you he can't help it. I never did the name-calling or physical stuff, but I used to get angry when I was again "denied" sex after a long dry spell. My outburst would last about 3 seconds and I would leave the room. No name calling, just saying hurtful stuff. I always regretted it afterwards and apologised profusely. I also grew up with a violent, terrifying father. This is were it's coming from. He needs individual therapy and anger management. He won't make it on his own. He will do it again.


Is your wife still with you? If she is are you thankful that she didn’t leave?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Sincerelyme said:


> Is your wife still with you? If she is are you thankful that she didn’t leave?


Funny you ask that... no, we are splitting up after 33 years together. According to my wife, my anger is one of the reasons why we are splitting up (together with menopause, empty nest syndrome and depression)... mind you, I haven't had an angry outburst for the last 10 years, but she says she can't get over it and she associates sex with a bad place because of that. So, she's withdrawn sex from the relationship and I can't be in a sexless marriage. I understand the anger issue, but it's been 10 years? 

Obviously, I can't repair the damage done. She has some mental issues too and I'm not sure to what degree they are affecting her. She is rather secretive about them and she never mentioned them as a reason for the split. Unfortunately, I will never know the truth.

EDIT: my anger outbursts lasted for about 2 years, when our sexual relationship was at its worst... then we made up and I thought everything was ok until she dropped the bomb a few weeks ago...


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

Seek help from a battered woman’s shelter to plan your exit. Take their advice seriously.
Your children need to be protected.

Physical assault is NO. It’s time for you to leave him. Plan your exit so that you can leave safely. 
Seek counselling now to help you deal with his manipulation and tears so you don’t go back. Strengthen yourself in advance.

You need to heal yourself from a lifetime of abuse. This cycle needs to end.

You feel it in your bones. This is wrong and he won’t change.

Peace be with you.


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## Sincerelyme (Aug 17, 2019)

In Absentia said:


> Sincerelyme said:
> 
> 
> > Is your wife still with you? If she is are you thankful that she didn’t leave?
> ...


I can understand her point of view and yours. The horrible things he’s said to me keep playing in my head over and over again too. It’s causing resentment and anger in me that I can’t let go of. I’ll be sad to say goodbye to him but I need to free myself of this mental torture. I’m sorry your wife is leaving you. Maybe it’s for the best.


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## Sincerelyme (Aug 17, 2019)

aquarius1 said:


> Seek help from a battered woman’s shelter to plan your exit. Take their advice seriously.
> Your children need to be protected.
> 
> Physical assault is NO. It’s time for you to leave him. Plan your exit so that you can leave safely.
> ...


If I left he wouldn’t resist or hurt me. I bought a house last year so I would just move into my house permanently. He knows he has done wrong so he wouldn’t fight it.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Sincerelyme said:


> I can understand her point of view and yours. The horrible things he’s said to me keep playing in my head over and over again too. It’s causing resentment and anger in me that I can’t let go of. I’ll be sad to say goodbye to him but I need to free myself of this mental torture. I’m sorry your wife is leaving you. Maybe it’s for the best.


Well, your memories are fresh and your husband is resorting to physical assaults... I understand you want to leave him. I'm not justifying myself, but to me my anger outbursts were what they were: a man getting angry because he can't see a way out and because he is feeling he's being abandoned again. But there is no excuse and I get it. What followed was even worse for me. My wife staying for the kids and lying to me, pretending everything was fine. So, yes, it is for the best we are separating.

You could always ask your husband to go to IC and anger management...


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## Sincerelyme (Aug 17, 2019)

In Absentia said:


> Sincerelyme said:
> 
> 
> > I can understand her point of view and yours. The horrible things he’s said to me keep playing in my head over and over again too. It’s causing resentment and anger in me that I can’t let go of. I’ll be sad to say goodbye to him but I need to free myself of this mental torture. I’m sorry your wife is leaving you. Maybe it’s for the best.
> ...


He tried IC but he used it to make me look like the bad guy and how he is the victim and that he hasn’t done anything wrong.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Sincerelyme said:


> He tried IC but he used it to make me look like the bad guy and how he is the victim and that he hasn’t done anything wrong.


He says he is sorry, so he recognises there is a problem, but then he uses IC to make you feel bad? He is physically assaulting you!

What do you argue about?


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## Sincerelyme (Aug 17, 2019)

In Absentia said:


> Sincerelyme said:
> 
> 
> > He tried IC but he used it to make me look like the bad guy and how he is the victim and that he hasn’t done anything wrong.
> ...


Well our last argument last week was about him refusing to lock the backdoor to the house when we leave the house or when we are sleeping because he doesn’t want to lock his kids out. They live part time with their mother. He wants them to have freedom to come and go as they like. They are teens. This makes sense to me. I told them they need a key. I said well I have important things in the house and I don’t feel safe leaving the door unlocked. (On that night specifically I was about to leave for an international trip so I had cash and passport etc out in the open). He said I was pitting him against his kids and causing division. During that last argument he punched me in the jaw. My jaw clicked for three days.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Sincerelyme said:


> During that last argument he punched me in the jaw. My jaw clicked for three days.


:surprise: I couldn't live with that... sorry. I think you need to move out. Also, your argument was very valid. Nothing wrong with a key...


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your focus is more on the verbal abuse. The physical abuse is mentioned almost an afterthought and it absolutely shouldn't be. Did you grow up in a family where physical abuse was the norm so that you don't see it as being as bad as it really is? 

For most women even one instance of physical abuse is the end of a relationship but for you it isn't. Ask yourself why you feel your husband should be able to continue to hit you.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Sincerelyme said:


> During that last argument he punched me in the jaw. My jaw clicked for three days.


It's really time for you to leave this relationship and not look back. Had it been me, I would have called 911 and got the police involved. Your husband probably would have spent the night in jail.

Please just rid yourself of this abusive man. You deserve a decent life. This ain't it.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Tilted 1 said:


> personofinterest said:
> 
> 
> > StarFires said:
> ...


Exactly right. Self help and pithy marriage tricks will not save you from an abuser.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Sincerelyme said:


> In Absentia said:
> 
> 
> > As an ex-angry man, I can tell you he can't help it. I never did the name-calling or physical stuff, but I used to get angry when I was again "denied" sex after a long dry spell. My outburst would last about 3 seconds and I would leave the room. No name calling, just saying hurtful stuff. I always regretted it afterwards and apologised profusely. I also grew up with a violent, terrifying father. This is were it's coming from. He needs individual therapy and anger management. He won't make it on his own. He will do it again.
> ...


This is a nice anecdote, but do not stay with this abusive man just because he "needs help" and "cant do it on his own." YOU need to get yourself safe.


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## Sincerelyme (Aug 17, 2019)

Yes I keep thinking that he is a vulnerable person who is impulsive and I too get drawn in and become reactive. I know in my heart this situation is not right.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Sincerelyme said:


> Yes I keep thinking that he is a vulnerable person who is impulsive and I too get drawn in and become reactive. I know in my heart this situation is not right.


Fixing him is not your job. He is a grown man.

Abusing a woman for years kills her love. Once a man has done that, ALL results of killing that love are on HIM, from divorce to sexlessness to apathy.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sincerelyme said:


> Well our last argument last week was about him refusing to lock the backdoor to the house when we leave the house or when we are sleeping because he doesn’t want to lock his kids out. They live part time with their mother. He wants them to have freedom to come and go as they like. They are teens. This makes sense to me. I told them they need a key. I said well I have important things in the house and I don’t feel safe leaving the door unlocked. (On that night specifically I was about to leave for an international trip so I had cash and passport etc out in the open). He said I was pitting him against his kids and causing division. During that last argument he punched me in the jaw. My jaw clicked for three days.


In today's world, it makes a lot of sense to want the doors to your home locked at night, even at all times.

This is a ridiculous thing for him to create an issue over. Since it's a very easy thing to solve, he's choosing to create a problem because it suits in purpose. What's his purpose? To keep you off balance with passive aggressive games and verbal/emotional/physical abuse.

There are two was to solve the door issue. 1) give the kids keys as you said. When my 3 kids were teens, they all had a key to the house. 2) Install a keypad deadbolt on the door. I have had one on my front door for 5 years now. I love it! *Keypad Deadbolt* In the dark, the keypad even lights up if you push the top button. Install one, give the kids the combination. 

If you do install a keypad deadbolt, watch and see his reaction. He will find another passive aggressive issue to use against you.

He hit you pretty hard in the jaw. You should have called the police and had him removed from the home. Or you should move out.

How many times has he use physical violence against you?

Once abuse become violent, it will escalate over time. He's gone to using violence because he has found that he cannot control you with just verbal/emotional abuse. The violent abuse will escalate as he finds out that he cannot control you with just a punch in the jaw. Next time he might just need to beat the crap out of you to show you who's boss. That's how abuse works.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

You are not enabling. Forget that ****. Its him doing a cycling of bullying and hoovering. Text book behaviour from abusers. Please don't feel blamed, just leave and work on yourself before gettting into another relationship. xx


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Once abuse become violent, it will escalate over time. He's gone to using violence because he has found that he cannot control you with just verbal/emotional abuse. The violent abuse will escalate as he finds out that he cannot control you with just a punch in the jaw. Next time he might just need to beat the crap out of you to show you who's boss. That's how abuse works.


 @Sincerelyme, please listen to what Ele is advising. My ex husband (now deceased) started with name-calling. From there, it escalated to pushing/shoving. Then he slugged me one night. Yeah, I stayed because I was too damned frightened to think straight. However, about a year later he brought a gun into the house. An unregistered hand gun. He claimed he wanted to be armed when he made sales calls in downtown Baltimore. Yeah, right. That's why the gun was in his office.

I left within weeks after finding out about the gun. All I can tell you is, the possibility of the abuse escalating is very real. Be safe and get out.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Tilted 1 said:


> A good book would be The 5 Love languages-Gary Chapman, will help you both if willing to make an honest effort. It describes what you and your partner needs to know they feel Loved.
> 
> The way you know and the way he will know. It eliminates the other ways you think he, he should know he feels love, because it's what you need to feel Loved but are not his ways to feel Loved. Now it will be a new way for both of you sure.
> 
> Maybe stubbornness on both your parts, (bring each of your histories to the new relationship but guess what they didn't work then and they probably won't work now).


In my opinion something better would be:-


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Sincerelyme said:


> Hello. I’m a first time poster. My question is regarding my husband’s tendency to call me names like c_**, h_, b_tch, and say things like “we are over” “get out of my
> House” (I moved in with him) when he’s upset at me then later say he didn’t mean it. He apologizes half the time, and he says that he did those things because I made him upset. *Is this enough to divorce him?* It’s been happening for two years. It started happening after I moved in with him. I sold my house to move in with him. I think he’s genuine when he says he’s sorry and didn’t mean those things because he is usually very nice tender and a good partner. When he does it, I feel awful.


Would be for me! I would NOT stay with someone who had such a blatant disrespect for me!

Edit to add... just saw where he punched you, get the hell out ASAP!


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I like to see marriages healed and people loving each other, but sometimes it is clear that the best option is divorce. Unfortunately, I think this is the case in your marriage. Once he landed the first punch, it was time to call 911, but things are really bad right now and you are so sucked into it that you cannot see how serious it has become. Please run to safety and don't look back.



Sincerelyme said:


> Well our last argument last week was about him refusing to lock the backdoor to the house when we leave the house or when we are sleeping because he doesn’t want to lock his kids out. They live part time with their mother. He wants them to have freedom to come and go as they like. They are teens. This makes sense to me. I told them they need a key. I said well I have important things in the house and I don’t feel safe leaving the door unlocked. (On that night specifically I was about to leave for an international trip so I had cash and passport etc out in the open). He said I was pitting him against his kids and causing division. During that last argument he punched me in the jaw. My jaw clicked for three days.


So he gets physically violent with you when you're trying to resolve a situation?! There is no excuse for violence in marriage, but this isn't even reason for him to feel angry. You did nothing wrong.


Sincerelyme said:


> With the physical violence part I’ve also gotten to the point where I will fight back.


This is dangerous and can escalate the situation. Rather than fight back, get away from him and call 911. When the police take him away, move all your things out of the house and into your townhouse. Better yet, do that before something like this happens again.

You really should leave immediately.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Sincerelyme said:


> I feel a deep sense of failure. My first marriage of 16 years failed because he was a gambler. Now this one is abusive. Maybe I am destined to be alone.


Failure is an event. Don't make it a lifestyle. It doesn't matter how much you put into a sinking ship, if it's sinking, the wise thing to do is get out before it takes the most valuable thing you have - your life. 

Your failure here was to detect that this man was not husband material. That's an event. Now it's time to recognize that failure and remedy it by leaving. Your husband's abuse and violence is not your failure. It's his.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Sincerelyme said:


> Well our last argument last week was about him refusing to lock the backdoor to the house when we leave the house or when we are sleeping because he doesn’t want to lock his kids out. They live part time with their mother. He wants them to have freedom to come and go as they like. They are teens. This makes sense to me. I told them they need a key. I said well I have important things in the house and I don’t feel safe leaving the door unlocked. (On that night specifically I was about to leave for an international trip so I had cash and passport etc out in the open). He said I was pitting him against his kids and causing division. During that last argument he punched me in the jaw. My jaw clicked for three days.


You were about to leave for an international trip - did you still go and are you away now? 

Heed the caring wisdom offered here and get yourself out.


What would you say to a close friend if she shared with you that her husband just punched her in the jaw?


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

When I first started reading this thread I thought, yes, name calling and threats is definitely abusive. I've lived it and it was very damaging to me. But then I read that he also physically assaults you. There is NO question that you are in an abusive relationship. 

And he's not too bright either. Every cop in this country will tell you that you're in idiot if you keep your doors unlocked, even during the day. The solution is to give his kids their own keys. It's not to punch you in the jaw for being responsible with your home and belongings.

You need to leave him, like yesterday. He will NOT change. I left and my ex went on to abuse his next girlfriend/wife even more than he abused me. Your husband will not change, he will just get worse. 

There is no question that you need to leave...and you are set up nicely to do so...much better than many, many victims of abuse. Please just go, today.


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