# new here,and a question



## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

New here, so hi to everyone and thanks for reading. Im hoping to find some comfort in knowing others are going through the same thing. This is a bit about my story. 
In short, Ive been separated for 3 weeks now, had to move 5,000 miles away from him because I had no other option but to move back home with my parents. It kills me every second of the day, the only relief is when I manage to fall asleep for a couple hours. He told me our marriage was a mistake, he didn't love me, and he was 99% sure of it. I never saw it coming. He treated me like a queen, told me he loved me everyday(without me saying it),done everything a person would do when they are in love with someone-flowers,holding my hand everywhere we went.. etc. He says he is a living lie - basically he used and lied to me the whole time we were married. 

I am having a really rough time, I am still in love with him, I miss him a lot, I think about him a lot. I cant do anything. Since Ive been home I haven't gone out of the house except for once, my mother took me shopping (she thought buying new clothes might help me feel better), it made me feel worse because the town we went to was a place my stbx and I visted and stayed in frequently. The whole time I was out I was petrified of running into someone I knew, and around every corner there was a memory and a couple tears to follow it(In public). I feel really embarrassed about myself, Im humiliated and crushed. 
My stbx and I are from the same small town, although he isnt here because of work 5000 miles away, his whole family is, along with everyone else here who knows me well (it is a very small town). I was wondering how long it took some of you to start hanging around/seeing family and people in general again, I am afraid that when I see someone and they talk to me or ask me a question I will just completely break down. I know it can't be healthy for me to not leave the house, but I don't feel like Im ready to leave, even to the grocery store. Now Im scared that I will never feel ready again. I don't want to see or talk to anyone. 
Thanks for listening


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I'm sorry for your pain, it is devastating I'm sure. right now you are confused and feeling rejected and also in the process of grieving, the same way you grieve when someone you live dies. You are in shock and have no reason to be ashamed, many others have been in the same kind of situation, and it will take time, but you will get to a better spot. For now just experience the crying because it is your body and minds way of dealing with this trauma. It is a process, and eventually you will find some strength in yourself, though for most of us there is something missing that feels like it will never come back... it might take years, maybe some can get past this, certainly the spouses who have left seem to be embracing their new life. Just have confidence that you are doing exactly what you need to do, through this process most of us don't really have regret about how we choose to deal with this. And it helps that we are here to support each other.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

I am so sorry you're going through this. Please don't feel humiliated; you did nothing wrong!!


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Sorry to read you are hurting, but you have to spend some time on here reading that we all have fallen short of our dreams and time has erased some of the hurt and pain. I have a personal story that would make you shutter and be thankful your H didn't do you like mine did me ;o) Keep up and get out of the house and live. You deserve and gosh darnit, you have earned it. Troubles will always be there to smack you back to reality.


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

I know exactly where you are right now. I've been separated for almost 9 months and just started telling people outside my circle of very close family and friends. When it all first happened, I couldn't bear the thought of talking about it and actually had a pit in my stomach at the thought of a casual acquaintence asking me how stbxh was doing. I broke down all the time and just sort of holed myself up at work and at home. Things have changed now. I no longer cry at the drop of a hat and although I still sort of choke on the words, I can say that I am in the process of getting divorced without having a nervous breakdown. I too felt embarassed, rejected and humiliated for a long time, but I've now come to realize that he's the one who should be embarassed and ashamed of himself. I don't know your H's motivation for this complete turn around. Mine was having an affair so that was really an embarassing thing for me. Again, it was until I realized that I cannot and will not be embarassed for anybody else's choices. Things will get better for you - you can trust in that. The problem is that it will take a good amount of time. I'm no where near being healed yet - I think I will always harbor some hurt and anger over this - but it has gotten better. It has gotten to the point of being manageable. I laugh a little bit more now and am starting to see the old me reemerge. For now, just do what you can. Crying it out; journaling; talking to friends/family/IC; reading and just being can help you make great strides, but it's one teeny step at a time.


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

Thank you everyone.
I am so lost. I feel by miracle I found this site and you all who I can relate to and sympathize with. I know of no one who has gone through separation or divorce before. I was feeling very alone.


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

You're definitely not alone. You're not.

When you're ready to start telling people and talking about it, you will actually start to see how sympathic and helpful most people will be. I was really scared that people would judge me and think that I was not good enough to "keep my man". As it turns out, the great majority of people, if not all, have said what an idiot my stbxh must be and how horrible his actions are. Imagine, he broke his vows and left his wife and two small children for a skanky, known cheater, co-worker and I'M the one who is embarassed. That's wrong on a lot of levels.

Anyway, this is a process and it's not at all easy. Take your time, baby yourself right now and move through things when you're ready. If you feel the need, start seeing a therapist and talk to your dr. about meds to get you through the bad parts. 

You will be okay.


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## 52flower (Mar 4, 2011)

I am feeling sad for what you are feeling and going through right now. It feels like your heart has been ripped out and torn to shreds and that the feelings will never go away. For financial reasons, I had to move from the area that we lived in for 17 years. As a result, I have to commute 1.25 hours each way to work. But it was a huge help for me. If I have to revisit a place where we had good times, it brings up memories that still cause my heart to skip a beat so I know I am not totally healed. Maybe when you are ready, it will help to find a new place that's all your own. Also, for me it was helpful to tell people the truth. I didn't do the dishonest & selfish acts, he did. Try not to feel shameful. You don't deserve to bear the burden of his wrongdoings so hold your head up high. This site has been a blessing, not only for the help directed to me, but also for learning how people think and act in emotionally healthy ways.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You are going through a major trauma right now. 
Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
It takes TIME but you will get "through" it. It's not something you "get over." 
Get some counselling if you can and Anti-depressants if you feel you need them.
Start exercising and meet up with friends, people who make you feel happy.
Your husband probably got married before he was ready and/or started to feeling trapped. He is not a good person to have a relationship with. On the flipside, I think it's very good he told you how he felt instead of stringing you along for another year or ten or more when he had already checked out.
He did you a favor. A major one.
Have either of you seen a lawyer?
When I first separated, I could not leave home for about 3 months. I was completely immobilized to the bed (besides going to work). I did not want to see anyone and went through the deepest depression I have ever been through in my life.
I won't say you'll feel better by tomorrow cause it's hard but you will get there in time.


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

Thank you, yes I am going through A LOT of trauma right now, no one in my family seems to realize it or understand. They keep telling me all I need to do is get out and start doing things. That really frustrates me. I don't want to do anything, I feel like my life is over. 
3 weeks into separation, and moving away from H, I'm just now grasping the idea that its really over and I am crushed. I don't understand how someone who said they loved you everyday for the past 6 years can just stop loving you. Or not even miss you at all. I don't get that part? 
I only told half of my story. My H is a liar and a user, Im just beginning to see that although it doesn't make me love him any less and I still don't want a divorce.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

caughtdreaming said:


> Thank you, yes I am going through A LOT of trauma right now, no one in my family seems to realize it or understand.


People who have never been through an unwanted separation/divorce have NO idea how very messed up it is. It's an awful experience to go through.



caughtdreaming said:


> I feel like my life is over.


This is actually a very "normal" feeling to have, believe it or not. There were some days where I felt there was nothing else in my life. But ... there is a light at the end of the tunnel.




caughtdreaming said:


> . I don't understand how someone who said they loved you everyday for the past 6 years can just stop loving you. Or not even miss you at all. I don't get that part? .


It is hard to try to grasp because it's so opposite from what you are living right now. Thing is, don't try to get in his head. Mind-reading will not help you at all. Focus on the here & now and your recovery.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Hi caught, I know how you feel, and as everyone hear says - it WILL get better. I know you don't see it right now, it's too soon but find some comfort in the fact that there will come a time in the not too distant future where you will be able to start finding yourself again.

My marriage was 31 years and I have been with my stbxw for 36 years, now if that doesn't leave you scratching your head! So like JB said, be thankful he didn't string you along. I don't know how old you are but by the sound of it, you don't seem to be very old. I am left without a SO at age 50. So enjoy and be thankful for your youth, you will be just fine.

And the advice your parents gave you about getting out and doing sometthing for yourself, it might be worth while for you to heed that advice. You don't need to go all out but just maybe some simple trips to the mall, movie, park, whatever, just try to get yourself motivated to go. And, by far, in my case, my greatest ally to my depression was to get out and exercise. Do whatever, ride bikes, walk. And don't binge eat, I don't know about you, but for me it was just that I lost my appetite, not hungry and not much eating, which is not good, but I think it's better than over eating.

Whenever you feel bad, angry, sad, just come on here and post, there is almost always one these good folks on here to lend ear. If anything, it helps just to post and vent. We really don't mind, we have all been through it and some of us are still going through. I hope your happiness returns soon. Hang in there.


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

Thanks guys. 
I am in a really bad way right now. Im so depressed these past 4 days especially have been really bad for me. I think its because it just hit me that this is really happening. Now that it has finally set in I feel much much worse than I did before. I see no light at the end of the tunnel for myself. Someone suggested I go see a counselor, part of me wishes I could but when I moved, I moved back with my parents and they live in a "hick" town with no more than a medical clinic. I don't have a vehicle to go to the nearest city if I wanted to see one either, it is with H. I flew home. Both my parents need their vehicles for work. 

Past 4 days I haven't really been getting out of my bed. Ive been taking sleeping pills at night so I don't have to think. Not showering(I know its gross).I think I have been wearing the same clothes for a week and a half I cant really remember how long its been. I watched a couple shows on tv but they really bring me down cause everything that's on it is about happy couples or unhappy couples, all the sitcoms have married couples it seems and now I notice every time a man is wearing a wedding ring(even in commercials). Its rotten. I try eating at the supper table with my family but sometimes I excuse myself because it is just really painful to sit there and listen to them talk about they're daily activities, hearing all the gossip about who's dating who and all that garbage. There used to be a spot beside me where H sat before we were married and moved away from home. Back then he was head over heels in love with me, he wanted to be with me more than I wanted to be with him, I had to tell him to back off sometimes. 
Im trying not to dwell on the past but I accidentally came across an email from him 2 months before we got married and it was all "im so excited to be married to you..i love you so much, I wish it was today I cant wait, 2 months left...blah blah blah".
Also there is a box hidden in my closet jammed packed full of all the love letters he wrote me over the years which is eating away at me. I haven't come to bring myself to open it or dispose of it yet, still I know it is in there. And sitting in my bedroom is the bed we used to sleep on together, the mirror we used to look into, countless other things, which are all very painful, its not like you can just throw out an entire bed set. 

I don think I'll ever be able to get over this. BrighterL asked my age- I'm 22 turning 23 in the fall. I didn't want to say my age because when people are "young" and going through this they seem to lose all credibility that it is hard. People assume because you're so young you're going to be able to pick yourself up no problem, get your life on track, end up falling in love again, and maybe eventually get married again. 
I have been through hell and back numerous times, done just about everything a person can do in life, and feel no need to just carry on anymore. So what if Im only 22, I really have nothing else to give to life in general. I don't see the point in doing it, if you're not happy and you know you'll never be happy, why bother.
I know this sounds depressing, but it isn't to me I just see it as reality. Do you guys think that is a screwed up way of thinking? I can honestly say I don't. 

Don't really intend for anyone to answer back, just writing.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You need to get in the shower right now. Wash your hair, shave, brush your teeth, put on nice underwear and a nice outfit. Get out in the sun, even if it's only in front of the house. 

Also, get a job. You need $. 

You are young. I wish I was 22 again.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Caught, you are exactly where you need to be right now, there is no shame in it. When the time comes you want a shower then take it, etc. You need time to heal and if you are able to have it then use it even if that means being rotten.

I also never judge someone based on their age - true the longer we've been around the more experiences we have and that gives us more insight and knowledge, but there are young people who'ev been through a lot and old people who haven't really experienced much. Some people, like my wife, don't even mature as they grow they revert - mine was probably more mature and responsible at 21 then at 31.

What I've found going through my separation is that the depression I felt, like what you describe, set in hard when I found out about my W's PA, and it stayed there for a month (I feel lucky because I've seen it last so much longer in others, and also that month just kind of flew by - I was in stasis), afterwards I'd cycle between very sad and somewhat relieved, slowly those cycles have become less deep, less frequent and more positive but still happen.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

JB, well there you go already dissenting opinions!

That sounds good too, but my main point is to take time to do what you want. If the idea of getting cleaned up is too stressful then don't, but pretty soon the stress of being a stinky filthy mess will probably overcome the other.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Dissenting what opinion? I posted my response before yours.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Dissenting what opinion? I posted my response before yours.


mine perhaps? Anyways I wasn't being serious, I was just saying that whatever caught decides to do is the right decision - there are no bad choices (well, none that she is likely even thinking of taking atleat.)


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I didn't say she'd made a bad decision or bad choice.

I told her to get up, take a shower, and get some sun. It could be really helpful.


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