# Should i be upset? Decisions about children



## hishersandours7 (Dec 6, 2015)

Ok, I have not been on here for a few years but my husband and I decided to create an account together and share ideas, thoughts, and problems as we go through life in our marriage. 

Just a very, very, brief background. We are both in our 30's we have a blended family of his, hers, and ours for a total of 7 (that's right 7!! :surprise children. Ages 15, 13, 11, 6, 4, 2, and an infant.

Anyhow ill jump right into it. I (wife) am upset with our communication in general. I strongly feel that in a marriage we should have really good communication about any and all things that have to do with our family. 

I am upset b/c I feel my husband does not communicate with me about plans made with the children whether that be for transportation or where they are at during the day when I am not there generally, whether for work or otherwise.

Most recently my husband went back to work after having our baby and he made decisions without talking to me about the plan for taking care of kids and getting them where they need to go. I felt like I was out of the loop and therefore not a part of the shared decision making as coparents. 

This past Friday he took our daughter to daycare (his SIL daycare) for a hour or so and I found out from one of the daycare workers parents that our daughter was there the next day. What makes me upset is that I feel he again did not show me the courtesy of being a shared coparent with our daughter. He usually has been telling me where and what his plans are so it caught me off guard when he did not do it this time. when I tried to explain this to him I was accused of being controlling. I was told that he should be able to make decisions for our children w/o having to consult me. 

I have tried to find what the experts say about this topic and I have found a lot of information, but nothing that answers this question specifically, is it unreasonable to want to have shared decision making with our children? This means all decisions with regard to children are made are shared no matter what.


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Yes and no. Yes, you should discuss where the children are, what they'll be doing, how they'll get there, and what the plan is for the day. But you also have to leave some wriggle room for on the spot decisions that can't wait.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## hishersandours7 (Dec 6, 2015)

ok, husband here, here is my take on this whole thing. My DW got mad (upset) with me b/c I dropped of our D at daycare for like a hour or so w/o telling her. This happened Friday morning, I had taken my 6YO to school and had my 4YO, our 2YO, and infant in the car. My 4YO had a dental appoint. right after dropping my 6YO off. I thought, I have some time and the dentist appointment (my 4YO was getting fillings and Gas) would go a lot smother if I did not have to chase/entertain a 2YO. So on the last second I decided to drop her off at my SIL's daycare. Did not even begin to think about telling my DW about it. Thought it was not a big deal at all. Apparently it was....hence our delema.


----------



## hishersandours7 (Dec 6, 2015)

Good idea Flipflops, we will think about it.


----------



## hishersandours7 (Dec 6, 2015)

MJJEAN said:


> Yes and no. Yes, you should discuss where the children are, what they'll be doing, how they'll get there, and what the plan is for the day. But you also have to leave some wriggle room for on the spot decisions that can't wait.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I understand that I shouldn't be so ridged about this however, this has been something I feel has gone on more often then not. This leaves me feeling very discouraged and like I can not depend on being treated as an equal parent in the decision making. We have only been married 2 years and I want to be honored as a shared partner and mother of our children in this marriage. I do not feel making decisions without me honors me.


----------



## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

I think you are being a bit harsh saying he is not honoring you, just because he dropped the child off at a safe place, on the fly while taking another child to an appointment. Do you feel the daycare is not safe? Or should he stop in a parking lot and get your permission, there will be times that you will have to make decisions on your own regarding the children on the fly as well.

He probably could have at least text you or something to let you know he had dropped the child off for an hour or so( if he knew you would be so upset about it), but I have a feeling you would have still been mad. Him dropping the child off sounds like a last minute thing, so that he can get the other child to dentist and just tend to the one child. You said yourself that he usually tells you, so why be so hard on him. 

Be thankful you have a husband that helps you out, there are a lot of men who leave all that up to the wife to deal with.


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

hishersandours7 said:


> I understand that I shouldn't be so ridged about this however, this has been something I feel has gone on more often then not. This leaves me feeling very discouraged and like I can not depend on being treated as an equal parent in the decision making. We have only been married 2 years and I want to be honored as a shared partner and mother of our children in this marriage. I do not feel making decisions without me honors me.


Don't you trust your husband to take care of the children without checking in with you on every little thing during the day? 

I imagine most dads with SAHM's leave the child choices up to their wives during the day without her having to check in with him every step of the way, so why wouldn't the same be the case with a dad being responsible while you are working or away? Is it so unusual to you that the person with the kids makes the momentary decisions? This isn't a decision like where to enroll the kids in school, or whether to sign them up for tuba lessons. It's a small decision that he had to make during the course of their day to make things run smoother. 

Are you saying he makes significant decisions about the kids without you? Or that he makes small choices during the day when he's caring for them without consulting you?


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I guess we need some more examples...because the daycare one I can't see where your husband did anything wrong.

Obviously major parenting decisions like where the kids go to school/daycare, whether they have sleepovers, if their teenage cousin is allowed to drive them in the car etc. should be made by both parents 100% of the time.

But there are times, like the daycare example above, that are really inconsequential in the grand scheme of things. I don't think either parent has to consult the other each and every time for things like that.

I'm SAHSM (stay at home step mum, lol) to my husbands daughter. I wouldn't hesitate to drop her somewhere - my mum's, after school care (before we did remote schooling) etc if something came up. I wouldn't need to check in with him either, if he expected me too, I would be extremely offended.


----------



## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

Lostme said:


> I think you are being a bit harsh saying he is not honoring you, just because he dropped the child off at a safe place, on the fly while taking another child to an appointment. Do you feel the daycare is not safe? Or should he stop in a parking lot and get your permission, there will be times that you will have to make decisions on your own regarding the children on the fly as well.
> 
> He probably could have at least text you or something to let you know he had dropped the child off for an hour or so( if he knew you would be so upset about it), but I have a feeling you would have still been mad. Him dropping the child off sounds like a last minute thing, so that he can get the other child to dentist and just tend to the one child. You said yourself that he usually tells you, so why be so hard on him.
> 
> Be thankful you have a husband that helps you out, there are a lot of men who leave all that up to the wife to deal with.


I agree with this. Unless there are other issues you're not mentioning, it seems to me that you are being totally unreasonable. Your H is taking care of his child in a responsible manner.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

To the wife:

Do you struggle with control in all aspects of life, or only with the children?

Do you suffer from anxiety and depression?

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

hishersandours7 said:


> I understand that I shouldn't be so ridged about this however, this has been something I feel has gone on more often then not. This leaves me feeling very discouraged and like I can not depend on being treated as an equal parent in the decision making. We have only been married 2 years and I want to be honored as a shared partner and mother of our children in this marriage. I do not feel making decisions without me honors me.


I am a wife, and based on what your H said i think you are overreacting tbh. Handling all those kids is no easy matter and it was a spur of the moment decision. It is not as if he left her there for a very long time or she was in danger etc. I think you have to really ask yourself why exactly you are annoyed, is it because it will cost more money to make use of the day care and under those circumstances you would normally bite the bullet rather than take the easier option? 

You need to be very very clear as to why this bothers you exactly and based on what you said, it sounds a bit controlling, flexibility is needed in parenting and it is impossible to constantly be cross checking, etc. it also shows a lack of trust in your partner.
Remember it is not just about honoring you, you also have to respect your H and trust him when he makes decisions without checking each and every one with you. Do you check with him daily what you should cook for dinner, what clothes you should wash, what you should feed the kids, when you should take them to the park etc? I don't think so right?


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

In this scenario as described, the husband was not out of line.
When attempting to take care of 7 kids, I don't think every decision can be discussed with each other.
One Hour of care is a minor decision.

Major decisions such as what school are they going to etc should be discussed.

Now, I'm sure there are more examples.... since you say this is a pattern.


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Just based on what I've read so far:

Wife - you are making a mountain of what was an hour (or two?) at daycare while your husband was taking care of other child matters. He made an adult decision based on the schedule of events that day and IMO you need to permit him to make executive decisions when you are not around. If you had been accompanying him, then I'd say that the situation would warrant a quick discussion on what's going to happen, but then again, if you were there he'd be able to pass the 2YO to you for entertainment while he helps the other with his dentist appointment. I think you will find it very difficult to always have the ability to discuss every single thing before it's committed to stone. You should learn to trust your husband's judgement just as (I hope) he would trust yours in a similar situation.

Husband - I get the sense that your wife is used to having a lot of control and management of the day-to-day happenings with your children. When life becomes nothing but a schedule you live by (and I can imagine you need organization with so many children!) then you are missing out on time to bond with one another. I get the sense that your wife has become fixed in a schedule of events and your decision making is starting to disrupt her feelings of security. When time is tight and you mentally plan for things a certain way, it can be a disruption for that pattern to suddenly shift. I'd suggest that you inject a little understanding for her concerns, remind her that the day didn't end in a mushroom cloud, and that maybe you two need a vacation away from all the children for a romantic, long weekend so that you can spend some quality time together and reconnect in more meaningful ways.

Your subject of disagreement isn't petty, but IMO it speaks to a deeper, less superficial disconnect.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I believe all mothers need to know where their children are at any given time. Knowing allows them to concentrate at work. A simple text would alleviate her worries and allow her to build trust in her husband that he is taking good care of the children. It isn't a matter of control; it is a matter of a mother knowing her children are safe. This is a basic right of motherhood.


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Agree with others this is way to controlling. Do you have problems letting go in other areas. I'm all for being in the know and as a parent I do want to know what's going on with my kids but an hour spur of the moment thing is so minor in the grand scheme of the things. Where does the hyper need for control come from? I'll tell you that from a mans perspective you can build a lot of resentment by undermining his parenting.


----------



## hishersandours7 (Dec 6, 2015)

Blondilocks said:


> I believe all mothers need to know where their children are at any given time. Knowing allows them to concentrate at work. A simple text would alleviate her worries and allow her to build trust in her husband that he is taking good care of the children. It isn't a matter of control; it is a matter of a mother knowing her children are safe. This is a basic right of motherhood.


Oh my goodness!!! Blondelocks, thank you so much for saying this....It's exactly my point. I have only been back at work for 7 weeks after being home on maternity leave for 4 months with taking care of all 6 kids and then additionally the 7th when he was born. I just want to know where my kids are and what the plan is. I do not think this is being unreasonable. I can in to this marriage from a history of abuse and mistrust and our therapist has explained to my husband that my trust has to be rebuilt with a man (my husband). It's these little things that build trust. TY


----------



## hishersandours7 (Dec 6, 2015)

Lostme said:


> I think you are being a bit harsh saying he is not honoring you, just because he dropped the child off at a safe place, on the fly while taking another child to an appointment. Do you feel the daycare is not safe? Or should he stop in a parking lot and get your permission, there will be times that you will have to make decisions on your own regarding the children on the fly as well.
> 
> He probably could have at least text you or something to let you know he had dropped the child off for an hour or so( if he knew you would be so upset about it), but I have a feeling you would have still been mad. Him dropping the child off sounds like a last minute thing, so that he can get the other child to dentist and just tend to the one child. You said yourself that he usually tells you, so why be so hard on him.
> 
> Be thankful you have a husband that helps you out, there are a lot of men who leave all that up to the wife to deal with.


Lostme, I wouldn't have been mad if he had have texted me. I think Blondilocks said it perfect as seen below. The reason why I am posting this here is because this has been an ongoing communication problem with him. I just want to know where my kids are and what the plan is.


----------



## DualvansMommy (Jul 27, 2014)

I get the desire in wanting to know where your kids are at any given moment. However, I think let this slide now that your husband knows you're upset and it'll be an issue. Perhaps if he texts you after the event, would that be ok next time? 

As a SAHM to two small kids (4 & 2) I don't always have time to text hubby any minute plans that popped up or changed. But I do let him know after the fact when I had a moment to send a quick text. I would feel it gets really old if I had to send a text, email or phone hubby for every last min plan. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

He's a man so he thinks like a man. He does not need you to text him with a moment by moment update of the kids whereabouts, so he does not think to provide you with one.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You are co-parenting, you also have to trust him with the kids, focus on your work and let it go. I think it is disrespectful to your H to insist on this level of 'looking over his shoulder'. Be thankful that he is willing to do all of this, many men dont.


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Any follow-up?


----------



## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Wow.

My ex and I have 4 kids. He never lifted a finger to help me do a thing for them. 

I can understand the need to know where your young kids are at every waking minute of every hour of every day, but the truth is, they are getting older. Wait until you have teenagers. With that type of anxiety over your children, you are setting yourself up for some serious panic attacks in the future if you do not learn how to control and manage your emotions over these types of situations. 

If you do not have trust in your husband enough to care for the children, that is your issue, not his. If he has not every placed the children in harms way (knowingly or by being neglectful) then he has done nothing to deserve this kind of scrutiny. It is not up to him to "prove" anything to you, aside from being a good father, which it sounds like he is. 

If your counselor said that he needs to prove himself to you that he is trustworthy of caring for the kids (again, without any kid of abusive or neglectful background from his part,) you need to find yourself a new counselor. One that can help YOU overcome your past. He is not to blame for what happened in your past.

And I come from a long line of subtle abuse myself, so I have some experience in this. The sooner you recognize the issue as yours, the sooner you can work on it, and be happier in life.


----------

