# considering divorce



## 17years (Nov 12, 2011)

Hi, I am new here-never thought I would be here, but thought I would try this before talking to an attorney. No big problems, except that we have been married for 17 years and I am not happy. I basically feel ignored and unwanted-husband says he loves me but it does not feel like it. Have tried talking to him but I don't think he takes me seriously-he does not realize how close I am to wanting to end the marriage and move on. I feel like I am too young to live in a marriage where we are just comfortable or more like companions. Even after I tell him what is missing and what would help-a little more attention, plan a night out every now and then- he says yes he gets it but nothing changes....I guess this is typical after this many years of marriage but I guess I am just tired of being typical...


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I think you need to tell him exactly what you wrote there.

You say he doesn't realize how close you are to calling it quits. Make him realize it by TELLING him.


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

I recently found out that my wife is pretty much where you are. I would have liked it if she discussed this with me so that i didn't have to discover it myself.


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## 17years (Nov 12, 2011)

thank you for your comments. i feel like i have told him how i feel and what is going on with me, but it would not hurt to try one more time. i feel like he thinks i am just being overly sensitive or dramatic and it will pass, but this time is different for me. i feel like life is too short to stay in a relationship where you don't feel valued or wanted, etc... it's not like there is any one huge problem, just indfference and the times where there is more are getting fewer and further between. thanks again for your thoughts


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

17years said:


> thank you for your comments. i feel like i have told him how i feel and what is going on with me, but it would not hurt to try one more time. i feel like he thinks i am just being overly sensitive or dramatic and it will pass, but this time is different for me. i feel like life is too short to stay in a relationship where you don't feel valued or wanted, etc... it's not like there is any one huge problem, just indfference and the times where there is more are getting fewer and further between. thanks again for your thoughts


Say it just how you feel it.

"If things don't change, I will leave." Blunt and to the point. People can't read your mind or what you REALLY mean. Say what you really mean. Make it serious.


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

17years said:


> i feel like i have told him how i feel and what is going on with me,
> 
> _*No you havent yet. It was way too gentle. I was told by my wife the cold hard reality you are describing now and it woke my the **** up instantly. I turned in around about four years ago by reading my azz off what women want.
> 
> ...


He doesnt get it. Nail his ass to the wall like my wife did. As soon as I started doing all the vitals she opened back up emotionally and we are like newlyweds all over again for four years now. 

Good luck :smthumbup:


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## 17years (Nov 12, 2011)

you are right, but we have 3 children and he knows that I really have no where to go when I say I am going to leave... plus I would not leave the kids. it's strange, because the lack of attention, concern,etc... never bothered me until the last year and now as time goes on it bothers me all the time. it's not like he is a terrible person or husband, but I just want more out of our relationship and quite frankly, think i am worth it... thank you again. it is hard to talk to people you know because i don't like to drag friends into the middle of my issues and don't want to worry my parents, so this is helpful


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Then lay it out for him....be firm. Most men need that.


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## 17years (Nov 12, 2011)

you are too funny... the things your wife told you that she needed sound familiar-I am not asking for diamonds or big trips, but just little gestures... and i feel so pathetic that i need this but for some reason i do... i just don't think he thinks i'll do anything if he does not change a little.. i think missing simple things, like you described, in your marriage is one of the main reasons women leave... i honestly think he would hate for our marriage to end and it will probably take me doing something drastic to wake him up, but by then it might just be too late... thank you by the way


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

17years said:


> you are too funny... the things your wife told you that she needed sound familiar-I am not asking for diamonds or big trips, but just little gestures...
> 
> _*She said that almost verbatim. Flirt with me you stupid ****ing ******* was very effective. *_
> 
> ...


I feel your pain sister. good luck. Its can be abn easy road if you know how to kick hubby butt :rofl:


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## 17years (Nov 12, 2011)

again i have to laugh because he has been away at school for 10 weeks, home on weekends, any way, I said the same thing-how about a text in the morning or whenever would be nice just to let me know you are thinking of me-he did it one time and that was it... it seems so simple, but for some reason, is so difficult for him... thank you for making me laugh and hearing that your wife pretty much said the same thing, makes me feel better that I am not the only woman who needs these things!
anyway, will try your suggestions, just don't know if it will get through


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

17years said:


> how about a text in the morning or whenever would be nice just to let me know you are thinking of me-he did it one time and that was it... it seems so simple, but for some reason, is so difficult for him...
> 
> *That is the making of lesson number one. For both of you really.
> 
> ...


Woman can get thru to men any time they want. They just go about it the wrong way. Men like competition. Make it a contest. Men love sex. Make that the prize, 

Have fun with it and best of luck to you. If that doesnt work, hit him with a hammer :rofl:


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## guava (Nov 13, 2011)

17years said:


> Hi, I am new here-never thought I would be here, but thought I would try this before talking to an attorney. No big problems, except that we have been married for 17 years and I am not happy. I basically feel ignored and unwanted-husband says he loves me but it does not feel like it. Have tried talking to him but I don't think he takes me seriously-he does not realize how close I am to wanting to end the marriage and move on. I feel like I am too young to live in a marriage where we are just comfortable or more like companions. Even after I tell him what is missing and what would help-a little more attention, plan a night out every now and then- he says yes he gets it but nothing changes....I guess this is typical after this many years of marriage but I guess I am just tired of being typical...


I have been married for 15 years and my situation is identical to yours. I too feel like nothing will make it right at this point. I do not have another man, I am not cheating or have an affair. I am just tired of wasting my life like this. My husband says things will change but everything stays the same even though I am very open with him about my feelings and the fact that I am considering divorce. PM me if you want to talk about it.


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## lifeseemstobeallabouttv (Nov 13, 2011)

Hi, I understand absolutely what you are saying, because I'm in an identical situation to you. I bought the book 'his needs, her needs' about 4 years ago, waste of time. I've said that I want to separate, he just ignores it, still I don't get any reaction, no conversation, no talking about even that. I've been heavy burdened with unresolved issues regarding our relationship for well over 18 years. I've come to the conclusion that he's a person of habit and doesn't want to make the effort to change the situation. 

We don't go anywhere, do anything, except food shopping, and after all these years I'm just so angry and frustrated of a wasted life.


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## lifeseemstobeallabouttv (Nov 13, 2011)

Sorry that I just replied and it was all about me, I just wanted to explain that I understand your situation. I think that it's equally as frustrating if not more with our marriages because when a partner is not violent or abusive explaining to other people tends to bring little compassion and understanding, which then adds to the loneliness and frustration.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Not too long ago, we started to move back the marriage we had 5 years ago. The passion from her towards me was waning and I felt like I was doing all the heavy lifting in the relationship department.

We had a talk (actually, I was very angry and let her know) and I laid it out.
I want passion from you
I want you to surprise me
I want you to make love to me like it is the last time, every time
I want you to ask what is going on in my life

In return, I will continue to pursue you, date you, love you, surprise you and make you feel like you are the most special woman in the world

I also told her that we would NOT have this conversation again, the next step would be her divorce papers.
She got it.

I know that I did make one mistake in the conversation/argument. I should have made myself calm down and not spoken in anger and I did apologize for that, but at the time I was just plain p!ssed off.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

17years said:


> Hi, I am new here-never thought I would be here, but thought I would try this before talking to an attorney. No big problems, except that we have been married for 17 years and I am not happy. I basically feel ignored and unwanted-husband says he loves me but it does not feel like it. Have tried talking to him but I don't think he takes me seriously-he does not realize how close I am to wanting to end the marriage and move on. I feel like I am too young to live in a marriage where we are just comfortable or more like companions. Even after I tell him what is missing and what would help-a little more attention, plan a night out every now and then- he says yes he gets it but nothing changes....I guess this is typical after this many years of marriage but I guess I am just tired of being typical...





17years said:


> it's strange, because the lack of attention, concern,etc... never bothered me until the last year and now as time goes on it bothers me all the time. it's not like he is a terrible person or husband, but I just want more out of our relationship and quite frankly, think i am worth it... thank you again. it is hard to talk to people you know because i don't like to drag friends into the middle of my issues and don't want to worry my parents, so this is helpful


Wow!! Your situation sounds so much like mine before my wife divorced me after 18 years. There were no huge problems like cheating, abuse, addiction, etc., but she was just unhappy at what she thought was lack of attention. She said I wasn't a bad guy, but she just needed more.

My advice is to get his attention whatever it takes! You may say, but I've told him. Well, sometimes us guys need an earthquake instead of a thunderstorm to get our attention.

I knew my wife didn't like some things, but guys and gals are wired so differently, I didn't see it as a deal breaker; I thought she was just venting. I promise I wasn't trying to hurt her or intentionally ignore her, but I just didn't realize how strong her "unhappiness" was. 

I looked at all the good stuff like financial security, no major issues, great kids, etc., but apparently she needed more, but I didn't fully understand how serious it was until she said she wanted a divorce, and then she said it was too late. In all honesty, I truly would have tried to move the moon to keep us together once I understood, but it was too late.

Set off an explosion, make him know the things you need are serious enough that you will divorce him, even if you have to turn into the She-Hulk to get your point across. 

My wife thought just "telling me" should have been enough, and it probably should have. But I guess i had gotten complacent after 18 years and I thought we had a great life, but she was seriously unhappy. So, turn green and let him know! Lay it out firm and then, as someone else said, hit him with a hammer!!


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## guava (Nov 13, 2011)

I had conversations with my husband many times. I looked into his eyes and saw no understanding there or even an attempt or a will to understand. It feels so strange - to realize that you gave the best years of your life to someone and in the end have no feelings towards them, nothing but frustration, contempt but mostly numbness and self-pity for wasted years.

I think 15 years is a long enough time to try many different things to try and save the relationship. All I can say that nothing has helped so far. It gets better for a short while after a “conversation" , then everything goes back to the old way of doing things.
I think the last drop for me was my discovering his chat session with another woman. I do not care if he cheats on me; this is not THE issue for me. The ISSUE is that I am sick of his stifling me, making me live a life of boredom and frustration, not letting me be myself and living my life to the fullest. I know that I do not need or want him any more.
The problem is HE does not want a divorce and we constantly get into fights. I want the divorce to be more or less amicable and done calmly and pragmatically. But he seems to want a fight.


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## 17years (Nov 12, 2011)

although i am sorry to hear that others are dealing with the same relationship issues as me, you don't know how comforting it has been to find out that i am not alone
i think the "the earthquake" is the only thing short of leaving that will work, but if the feelings are not there any more, even that won't work
you know, what a lot of us want is really so simple, conversation, concern, affection, that it is sad that it causes so much hurt when it is not necessary
i will hang in a little longer but don't know for how long
thanks so much for the replies, it really helps


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## 17years (Nov 12, 2011)

to guava- mine too will promise that he will try harder and sometimes he does but it does not usually last-i am certainly not perfect, but again, what i feel i need is really so simple that it hurts that it seems he does not think i am worth the effort. hang in there
to lifes seems... don't apologize, sometimes it does need to be all about us! i too feel like people think i am just *****ing when my husband is a nice guy, but being nice to others while being indifferent to your wife, really sucks!


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## lifeseemstobeallabouttv (Nov 13, 2011)

I can't believe that everything that's been shared I totally identify with. If it weren't for my college course, I'd go insane. 

I feel that more than anything that I've felt alone and misunderstood with friends and family when I've tried to share my problems, I suppose I've learned that not all females are the same and we all have different needs. For me it's quality time, sharing, conversation, fun and adventure, and it doesn't have to cost anything. I've asked for his attention one evening a month, and he can't even manage that.


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## lifeseemstobeallabouttv (Nov 13, 2011)

I've recently just calmed myself down from the rage and utter frustration brought on by his lukewarm attitude towards me, it's not worth it. I've got to this place now where I honestly am not interested in him anymore and can't wait to separate; and even though I've said so many many times, he continues with his life without change or disruption, and brushes me under the carpet along with rest of the marriage problems. I have lost all respect for him.


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## Avalon (Jul 5, 2011)

Wow.... DITTO here, can I join this group too? Same situation here, no affairs, nothing bad, just complete indifference and apathy from my husband's part when it comes to being a "partnership" in raising our children and being a "partner" in our marriage. He is married to his computer, not to me. 

For many many reasons I won't go into or have discussed in other posts... one and a half years until my kids are done with school and then I plan on living MY life, since my husband refuses to live at all. I will not spend the next 30 or 40 years sitting on my butt watching him sit on his.


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## 17years (Nov 12, 2011)

I can understand waiting until the kids are older but in my case by youngest are still in middle school-it seems like a long time to be miserable. I really don't want to get a divorce, i love my husband, but after being ignored for so long and not having much of a relationship between us, so much resentment builds up. Sometimes I don't know if I can get past it. Everyone says just tell him-really tell him, I need this or I am going to leave, etc.. but I too feel like he does not believe me. I hope things get better for you all-hang in there. We all definitely deserve to be happy and feel loved


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## wantitmorethananything (Nov 10, 2011)

It's so important to tell him exactly how you feel, and that the marriage is really in jeopardy. Tell him just what you wrote here and with more specifics. My wife of fourteen years was feeling many of the same things. She had told me them many times but never told me that we were in jeopardy I didn't really hear her and couldn't see the extent of her frustrations. What she didn't tell me was how hurt she was. She waited until her anger boiled over and had already built an almost impenetrable wall around herself----then told me that our marriage was in jeopardy. Our marriage means more than anything to me and since that moment I have listened to everything she has told me and taken everything to heart. I was so sad when I realized how sad and unhappy she had been. I have since put 100% into working on myself and worked through so many of my own issues that have made me a difficult partner. I feel now like I know how to be such a wonderful husband, I know what she needs and want nothing more than to give it to her. All of my changes are so real and have improved me so much as an individual as well. The problem is she still has such a wall around her and all of her built up anger will still not let me in. I still continue to fight for our marriage on every count, it has been six months or so. So tell him in specific terms. From someone on the other side, do you have any advice for me?


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## wantitmorethananything (Nov 10, 2011)

one other thing....my wife now sees, and admits that I am the husband that she has always wanted but is now angry that she cannot currently let herself accept my love...and this makes her so sad.


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