# am I expecting too much?



## josie (Jul 24, 2010)

Im married 3 yrs and things already just seem to be a lot of hard work. Husband just seems consumed in his work and his music and Im last on his list of priorities, I thought when we got married Id finally go up on the pedistal bypassing his mates and his music but it seems Ive gone last on the list altogether. I just feel really unhappy, unwanted and bored already. We should be enjoying this early stage of our marriage and it feels like its been a lifetime. Ive tried to talk to him and he says I'm going over the top and I'll never be happy. We seem to argue a lot and its just bickering Im asking for more time etc he is saying Im acting like a victim and need to grow up. I just want to be happy and back to how we were before but it feels like we are both leading different lives. He talks to me most of the time as if he were my father giving out to me about one thing or another and asking me to respect him. I told him he was like an army sargeant the other night and he flipped calling me an idiot and telling me to get away from him. I was left crying upstairs and feeling completely alone he asked me to apologise for what I said which I did, and asked him to do the same, he said he had nothing to apologise for and for me to go to bed or seek help as I was an emotional mess. I know in my heart I deserve better but maybe this is what its like and I have to work at it, and maybe I am being over sensitive. I dont really know what do do, Ive suggested councelling he said I would be going on my own and to stop taking things so seriously. I dont think your husband should name call and this is a regular thing Im upset every second day this is not the future I wanted or expected.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

josie said:


> I thought when we got married Id finally go up on the pedistal bypassing his mates and his music
> 
> I just want to be happy and back to how we were before


I just know there is a contradiction in there somewhere, which tells me you ARE overly emotional. You married a man who placed everything before you and now things are worse, so you want them back the way they were before.

Pull yourself together and get personal counseling so you can make yourself understand why you married an emotionally abusive man; why you have stayed with him for 3 years taking his abuse; why you act as though he is your father putting up with him treating you so badly, telling you what to do, and calling you names; and why you are crying about him not giving you something that he never gave you before you married him. 

You also need to understand why you "thought" anything. If he didn't make you a priority, you were supposed to get the message that he didn't make you a priority. You had no reason to "thought" he would be any different. He showed you how he was, but you ignored that and decided to "thought" up a fantasy.

Okay, so your fantasy didn't pan out, but that is all it was - your fantasy. You are taking this way too personally. Abusive people target their victims and marry them so they have that person to continually abuse. This really has nothing to do with you, so you can stop crying "oh he doesn't love me" and get the heck away from him now that you know you were only a targeted victim. This has nothing to do with love. It has nothing to do with you being worthy of a man's love. So you can stop feeling sorry for yourself. 

It is all about you met the wrong person and because he wooed you and fooled you so well, you fell in love with him. I have no doubt he says he loves you, but look at how awful his love feels. Clearly this is not what you want. The biggest problem here is you are as much to blame because you saw the signs and ignored them. You took it upon yourself to make believe a wonderful life. He was not as good an actor as most abusers are. You just refused to accept it.

When you finally find some self-esteem and leave your abuser, he will either promise to straighten up and go to marriage counseling, or he will let you go and leave you alone. Either way you win big.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

josie said:


> maybe I am being over sensitive.


Its impossible to be overly sensitive. think about it. people have told me i was being overly emotional in my marriage, too. my H _just_ had a porn problem and I went bonkers. i also questioned myself at first and i tried to think it was nothing. i tried to "just get over it." i tried to ignore how i felt. but things only get worse if you try to put yourself off. You are the only one that can take care of you. If you dont listen to how you feel, take yourself seriously and find a way to cope, who will? The pain you feel can not be rationalized away. You must accept your pain, confront it, and dealt with. that is the only way. 

The problem is not in how you feel, but in how you are trying to get rid of the hurt. You are going to him over and over and over again trying to alleviate this pain. How is that working for you? 

He is not going to heal you. Its not within his power. He has his own problems. Putting you off, saying you are overreacting is one of his problems. He cant help you because he has some emotional limitations. As painful as that is, until you realize it you will only keep hurting. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. Try going to someone else with your pain.


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## larniegrl (Oct 7, 2009)

Wow...its like stepping into a time machine listening to your story.

I finally got tired of feeling alone, and crying...I'm still shocked looking back at how I allowed him to treat me for 3 years. It never gets better. Especially if he has no empathy for your feelings. You do deserve better. 

A crazy realization I had recently...is that I would rather stay single than ever been in that situation again. It destroys your core to be rejected over and over again by the man who was to be your lover and best friend.

The warning signs are always there first. Although they are usually hidden very well...but I can see them now. I just fell in love. 

Find someone to talk too. You need someone outside to help give you perspective...


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