# Is this true?



## WifeyRes (Mar 19, 2012)

I need advise 

My husband recently told me that I should have s** with him whenever he wants to, that if he wakes me at (00:00am) midnight I should be ready and if he wakes me up again at 03:00am I must not complain cause that is my duty.

I'm not sure if I'm ignorant or if this is really true cause he would get some at night then the next morning then he will want again hours later and expects me to not be tired.

Seriously I don't know if maybe I'm the one who needs help


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

How long have you been married? Is your husband running out of erections and doesn't want to waste a single one?


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## WifeyRes (Mar 19, 2012)

LongWalk said:


> How long have you been married? Is your husband running out of erections and doesn't want to waste a single one?


We have been living together for 5 years married for 2 years.


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## mtn.lioness (Oct 29, 2013)

My first thought is: No thats unreasonable

And my second thought is: has this always been the way its been in your relationship or has this recently changed?


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## WifeyRes (Mar 19, 2012)

mtn.lioness said:


> My first thought is: No thats unreasonable
> 
> And my second thought is: has this always been the way its been in your relationship or has this recently changed?


Initially we used to both be in to it until a point were I felt like everytime he sees me he sees s** he would touch my behind every chance he got. I ended up feeling like a s** object.

I did discuss this with him but my feelings are not concidered and its like he's not even listening. 

He just feels I'm not fulfilling my duties as a wife for not wanting so much s**.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

WifeyRes said:


> Initially we used to both be in to it until a point were *I felt like everytime he sees me he sees s** he would touch my behind every chance he got. I ended up feeling like a s** object.*
> 
> I did discuss this with him but my feelings are not concidered and its like he's not even listening.
> 
> He just feels I'm not fulfilling my duties as a wife for not wanting so much s**.


In my experience, when those feelings start to creep in, there is a whole lot more going on in the relationship. Do you feel he is attentive to YOUR needs? Is he a partner in your marriage? Do you feel as equals, or do you feel more burdened?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

So he wants the marriage to stay the same and you want to change the rules.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

When you said "duty" I wondered if he's coming from a fundamentalist Christian perspective, or just an a**hole perspective?

No, it's not a duty. You can say no. If you routinely say no or have infrequent sex, that's a problem. That does not sound like that's the case here.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

What your husband is saying is SOMEWHAT true (more on this later)......HOW he is saying is/his approach is COMPLETELY OFF and somewhat disrespectful.

As a wife, yes it is your end of the contract to make sure he is happy with sex life. But he also has to meet your needs on that end as well. It's a 50/50 deal. 

Especially knowing the fact that intimacy is men's ultimate way of expressing love. So what he is trying to tell you is really "I would love to experience LOVE whenever".

Now, the way he said it is a problem and rather extreme. No, you shouldn't be on his clock and like a ****in robot. 

But you should consider being intimate when and if he wants to (as much as HE should do it as well). ALL OF THAT assuming that he meets your needs in areas that YOU value as "love". Which is usually affection, time investment and expressing feelings (amongst few other things).

I would sit him down and correct him on this. Tell him that you understand how important sex is to him but HOW he communicated it to you is offensive and wrong. 

And if there is ANY concerns on YOUR end, tell him right away and he needs to work on it as well.

Relationship is a tango dance of 2 people being in harmony with each other!!!

He is stepping on your toes as he dances right now!!!


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

WifeyRes said:


> Initially we used to both be in to it until a point were I felt like everytime he sees me he sees s** he would touch my behind every chance he got. I ended up feeling like a s** object.


:rofl:

Are you my wife?

That's exactly how I feel at times. I love my wife so much I want to show her my way of love 24/7. It's my love language (it can also be your husband's it seems).

Rather than be negative and offended, embrace it and be positive /optimistic about it.

Think about it, you are being offended by your husband giving you TOO MUCH ATTENTION and expressing TOO MUCH LOVE.

Plenty of ladies around here that would LOVE to be on your boat.





WifeyRes said:


> I did discuss this with him but my feelings are not concidered and its like he's not even listening.


Now that is an issue. Whenever you speak to your husband/partner and are serious and they don't listen/consider it.....you have a HUGE problem on your hands.

HOWEVER, from his end of things, it's hard to understand why you would be offended/reject his way of communicating love to you (I can see that).



WifeyRes said:


> He just feels I'm not fulfilling my duties as a wife for not wanting so much s**.


I suggest you listen to him, but the whole "duty" thing and the way he communicates has to be adjusted.

Tell him it makes you feel like a robot/slave rather than a loving partner/wife.

He needs to stop that and compromise on that end. 

He is WAY too direct/abrupt.


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## catfan (Jan 12, 2013)

What a jerk to not consider your feelings... I'm sorry....I don't think it's o.k. to say or demand this...


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening wiferes
It is my belief that in a good relationship each person will usually do what the other wants in bed, when they want it - but that each will try to avoid making unreasonable demands. 

If someone happens to wake up from an erotic dream and really wants sex NOW, then it would be nice to provide it - but that isn't something that should happen all the time.


This ONLY works if the behavior is mutual. If he is also willing to do what you want, when you want. Also physical limits are important. If someone doesn't happen to feel like intercourse it can be uncomfortable (for a woman) or impossible (for a man) so it should be OK to provide manual or oral stimulation instead.

Also this has to be part of a loving intimate relationship. Lots of sex is great, but it must not be the only contact. There should be lots of other quiet intimacy - holding hands, kisses, touches. Both people should be doing all sort of non-sexual favors for each other. 


Now- from the tone of your post, I suspect that he is not doing everything he can for you. That he just wants you to serve him. If that is true, then you are under no obligation to be his sex slave - but you do need to figure out why he doesn't want to treat you better.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

WifeyRes said:


> I need advise
> 
> *My husband recently told me that I should have s** with him whenever he wants to, that if he wakes me at (00:00am) midnight I should be ready and if he wakes me up again at 03:00am I must not complain cause that is my duty.*
> 
> ...


Not just no, but hell no. You are not a hole for him to stick his d*ck into whenever he wants regardless of whether you want to or not.

If he's not interested in hearing you complain, tell him you're not interested in hearing his selfish demands.


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## Lancer (Sep 15, 2014)

I would hope the desire would be mutual. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and start cuddling and feeling up my wife. If she responds, we go for it, if not I try to roll over and go to sleep. I do have to admit sometimes I keep pestering her until she gives in


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

LongWalk said:


> How long have you been married? *Is your husband running out of erections and doesn't want to waste a single one?*


:rofl:


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I think spouses should do their best to meet the REASONABLE needs of their mates. For you to be ready for sex at any hour, you would have to come with an air valve. In his imagination, you would never be ill, never be exhausted, never be busy. No matter what a horn dog he fancies himself, there are times when it would be impossible or inconvenient for him to take care of you, sexually. If he were in an important meeting with his boss or navigating heavy downtown traffic, would that be a great time for you to grab his member and go to town? I assume the duty he refers to has a religious origin. If so, there's no sexual duty for wives that isn't also on husbands.


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## WifeyRes (Mar 19, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> So he wants the marriage to stay the same and you want to change the rules.



No I'm not changing any rules our marriage seems one sided I give give give when he makes his demands and doesn't concider my feelings, only what he says make sense but nothing I say does... If I do say anything I will end up apologising and get a silent treatment..

I did address this including my needs as well all I could get was "If I do something then I stop that means I didnt want to do it"


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## WifeyRes (Mar 19, 2012)

richardsharpe said:


> If someone happens to wake up from an erotic dream and really wants sex NOW, then it would be nice to provide it - but that isn't something that should happen all the time.
> 
> If someone doesn't happen to feel like intercourse it can be uncomfortable (for a woman) or impossible (for a man) so it should be OK to provide manual or oral stimulation instead.
> 
> ...


I do not mind it if he wakes up from an erotic dream and wants some. 
IF I dont want it he doesn't want oral I've tried 
Sometimes I just want to cuddle and he doesn't like it

so basically if he doesn't want something I must understand that he doesn't want it but not from my end..


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## WifeyRes (Mar 19, 2012)

I love him so much thus I'm still with him and trying to get all the advise I can get and I thank you all for your responses I really appreciate it.

I want to improve for him and understand him as a man.

Currently I'm dealing with silent treatment over something I apologised for and I'm trying to listen and take his advise when he gives one.

Try to make him happy like this weekend the silent treatment was broken by me getting him the car part that he's been struggling to get and he started talking to me for hours then back to silent treatment.

I want to understand him I really do


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

WifeyRes said:


> I do not mind it if he wakes up from an erotic dream and wants some.
> IF I dont want it he doesn't want oral I've tried
> Sometimes I just want to cuddle and he doesn't like it
> 
> so basically if he doesn't want something I must understand that he doesn't want it but not from my end..


If he doesn't want oral you might want to check his pulse and call 911.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *WifeyRes said:* I do not mind it if he wakes up from an erotic dream and wants some.
> IF I dont want it he doesn't want oral I've tried
> *Sometimes I just want to cuddle and he doesn't like it*
> 
> *so basically if he doesn't want something I must understand that he doesn't want it but not from my end.*.


This RIGHT HERE is mean spirited and selfish.....his expecting from you but turning a blind eye to your needs for affection...(the cuddling)...it makes perfect sense you are struggling with this...feeling used.. when someone comes at you Demanding what they want, then pushing away , basically giving a finger to what you desire.... how does he expect you to feel ...see how he'd take that.. it wouldn't be a pretty picture....

Question...Is there at least "an afterglow" -some cuddling, holding each other after you have sex...what many do after "making love".... or do you feel he is just wanting to get off ....then he just rolls over ? 



Lancer said:


> I would hope the desire would be mutual. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and start cuddling and feeling up my wife. If she responds, we go for it, if not I try to roll over and go to sleep. I do have to admit sometimes I keep pestering her until she gives in


This sounds just like me ~ but the genders reversed. We both do all we can to please the other....any time.. day, mid-night, romps at 3:am.... he is always welcoming of my reaching for him...he would even apologize if he was too tired..

He's never "expected" or demanded though, I have always felt deeply wanted ..when he's be brushing up against me....I want to give -willingly.. and he has the same attitude when I am wanting to be close, wrapped up in it...only too tired or sick stops us for "working it up"..


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

WifeyRes said:


> Currently I'm dealing with silent treatment over something I apologised for and I'm trying to listen and take his advise when he gives one.
> 
> Try to make him happy like this weekend the silent treatment was broken by me getting him the car part that he's been struggling to get and he started talking to me for hours then back to silent treatment.
> 
> I want to understand him I really do


I'll help you understand him....he's a child. 

Who does silent treatment? Oh yeah, toddlers and teenagers. 

Sex is expected to be mutual fun for both partners. The idea is that BOTH would want to do it...a lot...

But a lot of times we see that many relationships have a giver and a taker. The giver gives until resentment sets in so deep you look at your spouse like they are a fly on poop.

In your case, your H is acting like a toddler and giving the silent treatment. This is only going to hurt your desire for him.You should WANT to want to have sex with him all of the time, but in some cases...such as this...it's kind of hard to want to have sex with someone acting like a child.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

No thats not true. You are not supposed to have sex with your husband WHENEVER he wants to, 3 am, 5 pm whatever. You are his wife, a person not a blow up sex toy. 
You are saying that your feelings do not matter in this relationship. 

For me it looks like you have very narcistic guy there. I cannot even believe people are replying he is right. Have sex whenever he says???? Read that sentence again think sbout it. This is straight road to the abuse.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Bleh, sex should never be an obligation

Where's the fun in duty sex? Bah!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> Bleh, sex should never be an obligation
> 
> Where's the fun in duty sex? Bah!


That's the thing about commitments. By their very nature, they mean we act according to our promises and not according to the whims of our fleeting emotions. That, my friends, is duty. I am going to guess you approve of "duty" fidelity. You probably also approve of duty bill paying and duty kid feeding. How about duty coming home to a not-so-pleasant spouse when we'd much prefer to say yes to one of the many more agreeable offers that are never far away? Y'all say "duty" like it's a bad thing. It's how people end up married for 60 years. I have said yes to many things I thought I'd rather avoid and some of them have turned out to be my most enjoyable experiences. Never met anyone worth a damn who lived to please only themselves. We have emotions. We can't help but feel them but we aren't their slaves.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Just agree with him.

But tell him every time you want a new pair of shoes or a new purse he needs to buy it for you, because it's his duty.

Honestly, I'm not sure about this one. That much sex would be great, coming from a guy. And a willing wife would be awesome. But where does the line cross from being willing to satisfy into just feeling resentful.

Plus, you need to call him out on the silent treatment. It's juvenile and a cop out for real constructive communication. Plus, it starts turning into a form of mental abuse.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

alphaomega said:


> Just agree with him.
> 
> But tell him every time you want a new pair of shoes or a new purse he needs to buy it for you, because it's his duty.
> 
> ...


It'd be no more abusive or resentment-causing than prolonged withholding. I suspect she has other shoes so the analogy doesn't work. A spouse has only one legitimate place to turn to for sex/intimacy/affection. If their partner withholds, their physical needs just won't be met. The line is crossed at Reasonableness. It is unreasonable to expect your partner to perform sexually at all times, every day. It is also unreasonable to expect one's spouse to behave as a nonsexual piece of furniture for months or years at a time. If my wife doesn't eat, she will die in a few days. A one-sided sexless "marriage" is also very likely to die. Would it be wrong to persuade my wife to eat in order to save her life?


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

True. But can you force your wife to eat when she's not hungry?

I was in a sexless marriage. So I get your point. 

But I'm sure there has to be compromise. Not just demands.

Human psychology will tend to resist the "I demand you to..." It takes away free will.

A "willing" partner will be way better sex than duty, just lie there and get it over with" sex. Myself, I'd be willing to compromise for less, but more fun, sex.

Maybe just not once every two months sex. That would suck.


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## WifeyRes (Mar 19, 2012)

alphaomega said:


> Human psychology will tend to resist the "I demand you to..." It takes away free will.
> 
> A "willing" partner will be way better sex than duty, just lie there and get it over with" sex. Myself, I'd be willing to compromise for less, but more fun, sex.


:iagree: I stongly I agree with what you saying, If you engage willinglu it will be fun for both partners instead of the one partner waiting patiently for the next to just finish.


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## WifeyRes (Mar 19, 2012)

alphaomega said:


> Just agree with him.
> 
> But tell him every time you want a new pair of shoes or a new purse he needs to buy it for you, because it's his duty.
> 
> Plus, you need to call him out on the silent treatment. It's juvenile and a cop out for real constructive communication. Plus, it starts turning into a form of mental abuse.


Ohh I'll have to be very patient will wait for a year like I did when I asked him to put up the bathroom accessories

He only does things when he wants to and if he doesn't want you have to accept and stay calm.

Silent treatment is emotional abuse


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

OMG, I cannot believe it. It is her duty to be available at 3 am, and you guys are nodding your head in agreement? I think some posters do not get the nuances of what's happening. 

He is not saying, "Honey, I love you so much, I can not take my hands off you, I want to make love you to you all the time, even in the middle of the night"

he says practically, "be ready b...ch".


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

There is nothing more romantic than being expected to fvck on command and then being given the silent treatment anytime you disagree with him on something.

Is he like this with everything? 

Because, OP, this is not good. 

I dated a version of him. 

We didn't last.

Whoever mentioned the thing about resentment eventually settling in nailed it.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

I think the responses reflect two different approaches. One being specific to the OP and her previous posts and one looking at the situation as only what was shared in the initial post here and looked at somewhat hypothetically. 

In general its a wonderful ideal for a couple to serve each others needs/desires as completely as possible. That (within reason) there is no "no" in the relationship. 

In a follow up post here, it seemed there are a least some communication and empathy issues and maybe much more given previous threads which are alluded to by other posters. So the situation is much more involved then just "he wants sex with me all the time should I have to give it to him"


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Shoto, I haven't seen any other posts by OP, but it is clear to me from what she put in this one, that this is abusive. Just those two things:

she MUST be ready for sex, even at 3 am , no question asked

her feelings and needs do not matter

Devil is in details. We are not discussing here LD wife and HD husband, we are talking about abuser


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

Wanda, 
I don't think we disagree. One of the points I was making was that we got a lot more background as the thread went on (and some researched previous threads) and so the impression of the situation changed a great deal from the original post. Those that posted early much less to go on then those that posted later and so had different response.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

WorkingOnMe said:


> So he wants the marriage to stay the same and you want to change the rules.


That's the exact opposite of what she said.

She said he's approaching her lately as if she's a piece of meat, just a sexual object.
This isn't sexy and has caused her to feel differently about sex with him.

Now he's apparently ok with her giving him "duty sex" which is a sure sign a man doesn't give a damn about you.
A man who loves and desires you as a person wants you to want him more than anything.
"Duty Sex" is the biggest turn off to a man who actually loves you.

Seems like he changed.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

To be fair she did say

"*Initially we used to both be in to it* until a point were I felt like everytime he sees me he sees s** he would touch my behind every chance he got. I ended up feeling like a s** object."


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

So...wake him up at 3:00 a.m. and tell him to take out the garbage. You can then cite that it is his 'husbandly duty' to take out the garbage whenever you want to and NOW is when you want to.

He will mention that it is unreasonable to disturb his sleep (on a work night no less) just to accomplish an act which can be done later when it does not inconvenience him.

The opening is then clear...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Folks, Wifey is in a seriously abusive marriage. Her husband has been physically abusive. He's now physically thrown her out of their house.

If you want to give her support, please go to the below link.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/225554-update.html


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

my heart goes out to you so, so much. Plenty of posters have commented about the sex, but I wanted to bring up the silent treatment again. I was emotionally abused as a child by my father; his method was the silent treatment. When I was in middle school, he went over 3 months without speaking to me or looking at me (we lived in the same house!), even when I was hospitalized, he wouldn't visit me in the hospital. This sort of thing has gone on for as long as I can remember. Recently, he did it again for over 2.5 years but since I obviously don't live with him I no longer care so much. When I met my husband, I told him that I had ONE "deal-breaker" -- not physical abuse, not drugs, etc. Just the silent treatment - and that if he did it ONE TIME I was out the door, and he would never see me again. No second chances. It is extremely damaging because it reduces you to an object or a voiceless animal. My father continues to practice the silent treatment on my mother who has been worn down to a terrible state over the four decades of their marriage. My advice is to get the hell away from anyone who uses the silent treatment.

As for the sex, he's being a twat, but I think the silent treatment is worse.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

WifeyRes said:


> We have been living together for 5 years married for 2 years.


That rule only counts for the first 5 years together.

Years 5-10 are mutual.

Years 10+ the guy begs but oft goes empty.


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## ILuvTheDesserts (Aug 29, 2014)

WifeyRes said:


> I need advise
> 
> My husband recently told me that I should have s** with him whenever he wants to, that if he wakes me at (00:00am) midnight I should be ready and if he wakes me up again at 03:00am I must not complain cause that is my duty.
> 
> ...


He's messed up. Granted you're both married but your not a sex slave ?? Tell him that's illegal in most countries ??

If I told that to my wife I'd be in the doghouse for at least a week ..... if I'm lucky ?!


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## WifeyRes (Mar 19, 2012)

Lila said:


> Op's story is being told throughout TAM forums. Classic case of spousal abuse.
> Talk About Marriage - The Marriage Advice & Relationship Help Forums
> 
> Wifey
> ...


Yes I made to my mom's my daughter was visiting my MIL for the school holidays


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## White.Rabbit (Feb 24, 2014)

WifeyRes said:


> I need advise
> 
> My husband recently told me that I should have s** with him whenever he wants to, that if he wakes me at (00:00am) midnight I should be ready and if he wakes me up again at 03:00am I must not complain cause that is my duty.
> 
> ...


A decent sexual relationship is a two way thing. HE'S the one that needs help, end of story.


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## newbees (Oct 16, 2014)

Maybe you should consult with your doctor for your husband and for you actually is not normal having sex 4 to 5 times a day I think you should talk to your husband about that and you're not ignorant I think that you don't want your husband get angry because you didn't give what he wants.


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