# Considering Divorce would love some advice



## Eaglecheergirl (Sep 4, 2013)

For 17 years I have been with my Husband and never turned my back on him even though he has left our family on more than one occasion because he said he didn't want the family life anymore. Until about 4 years ago he was very physically and verbally abusive to me but after he went to jail he soon became only verbal which sometimes I think is worse than the smack!!! We were apart for about a year and I became very independant when he decided to come back. I cautiously proceeded and for a while it was okay meaning no abuse but I cried myself to sleep knowing it would soon return. Just about the time I let my guard down he started again. I am ready to be done with this marriage but I would love for it be peaceful and yet when I bring it up he says he will sugar all the gas tanks, drain the bank account ect. plant something in my home so I will lose my State job.... I'm so stuck....being a counselor myself I think the only way I am keeping my sanity is because he works nightshift and I work days so the 2 hours in the morning I see him is usually getting told what a piece of crap I am and then an afternoon phone call saying he loves me uhhh I really need to figure this out once and for all. My glow is gone and I never want to lose myself the way I did before. :scratchhead:


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You need to make a plan to leave and NOT let him know! You're a counselor, what advice would YOU give someone in this situation? You are NOT stuck, you just think that you are!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Start carrying a VAR (voice activated recorder) when he's around. Get his threats on "tape". Use that information to get a restraining order. 

Just my first thoughts...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eaglecheergirl (Sep 4, 2013)

When I say leave I mean that it is him to leave this time because all of the other times he has thrown the kids and I out and once we are strong then he comes back. I waited for my dream house for 3 years and I just moved in April 1 this year and busted my rearend to save up for it so I don't think it would be fair for the kids and I to have to uproot and start over for the 3rd time in 16 years. They are 20,16 & 13 but still we are settled except for when he is home and then we all walk on eggshells. What I would tell my client is to get an injunction and take proper safety measure for her and her children but with him it don't work that way. He has destroyed my clothing, jewlery, makeup, vehicles and all you can imagine. Just when I think he has left me alone I look in the rear view mirror and there he is again. The only time he nice or even smiles is when he has had a few beers and to me you should not have to drink to be happy. My 13 year old said the other day that if we did family pictures do it after dinner at hooters because he would have had a few beers and maybe he would smile. SAD breaks my heart. Anyway I have offered 2 of the 4 vehicles we have and whatever he wants out of the house and he still says he will do all of these horrible things...bottom line I just want out and to stay in the home with my children where I feel safe because it is next door to the County Sheriff and in a gated community where my parents live as well and many of my college friends which makes me feel supported and safe.


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## Eaglecheergirl (Sep 4, 2013)

PBear said:


> Start carrying a VAR (voice activated recorder) when he's around. Get his threats on "tape". Use that information to get a restraining order.
> 
> Just my first thoughts...
> 
> ...


yes good idea thank you


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

So do YOU own the house, or are you both on it? (Also, he is no different than the other abusive a$$holes out there that you would be advising others against. It just feels unique because it is happening to YOU, and its scary.)


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## Eaglecheergirl (Sep 4, 2013)

I agree it is the same and I feel hypocritical counseling people and giving advice but hey atleast I have experience  Yes I own the home it was a rental and I waited to buy it for 3 years. It was the home that the kids and I picked out to start our new lives but when it actually happened he had begged his way back in because A. I had a home and B. A nice savings which is gone now...go figure but my fault for falling for the I'm a Christian, I miss my family, I promise i'll change and the letters apologizing ect... I fell for it YEP and now I want out just NO fighting or threats. I'm definately thinking that the voice activated recorder will be awesome so I have him doing what he does. Sometimes I use the video on my cell phone but when he finds it he deletes it immediately. I'm feeling determined to do this just trying so hard to do it in the most peaceful way...An injunction is a guarantee for me since he has been arrested for hitting me but it has never kept him away before and I don't think it will now unless my neighbor aka the Sheriff puts him in his place because he is very scared of jail but at the same time he says he can't live without me and that he will NOT be divorced... I sorda take that statement as a threat


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## Eaglecheergirl (Sep 4, 2013)

And I am glad I found this place for advice because we often have couples come to us asking how we made it 16+ years and my neighbor/jogging partner just said that she wish she could have a relationship like mine and I giggled on the inside thinking boy if she could only know what happens behind closed doors she would cherish the one she is in and not be admiring mine....looks can be deceiving


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

1) Get a couple of VARs and put the in the rooms your STBXH is most likely to spout off his bullcrap in. Carry one on yourself as well.

2) Go out to an auto parts store TODAY and buy locking gas caps for YOUR vehicles. Also buy hood locks for your cars (tell them you've got a crazy ex-husband and what would they recommend...trust me, those guys will have TONS of good advice on protecting your vehicles!)

3) Get an injunction and file for divorce.

4) Get a new cellphone number and an additional home phone number. Get a new email address. Since you have 2 minor children, you cannot cut off all access/contact, but you CAN make it easier for you.

*New cellphone number* - goes to ALL your relatives and trustworthy friends. This is how THEY reach you from now on. 
Old cell phone number - goes to voicemail (it's either your STBXH or a crap call anyway; check it once/day.

*New email address* - goes to ALL your relatives and trustworthy friends. This is how THEY reach you from now on. 
Old email address - gets checked once/week or never (it's either your STBXH or junk mail)

*New home phone #* - goes to ALL your relatives and trustworthy friends. This is how THEY reach you from now on. 
Old home phone # - goes to an answering machine w/volume and ringer turned off (it's either STBXH or junk calls; check once/day)

Have a talk with the kids; they're ALL old enough to understand and have witnessed the violence (verbal and physical) in your relationship. Warn them to be careful. Warn them NOT to give out the new numbers to your STBXH or neighbors, etc. Explain to them that PERSONAL SAFETY is at stake here, and you need them to help you and each other out to get through this safely. 

BTW, reiterate that STBXH is NEVER to be allowed inside your home again: not when he's waiting for the kids (he can wait outside), not when he's just gotta take a quick pee (too bad), not when he needs to talk to you or leave you something, NEVER. Don't let him in the house again under any pretext. Make sure the kids understand that. If he's never in the house, he doesn't see things (phone numbers, mail from attorney, etc) that he shouldn't, he doesn't have an opportunity to 'plant' anything illegal in your house, can't plant a 'bug', etc. The kids should ALL have password locks on their cell phones and use the locks so STBXH does NOT get phone numbers he shouldn't have.

When you get the injunction, explain about his threats to plant something illegal in your home and ruin your vehicles. Hopefully, you'll get him on tape threatening those things, but even if you don't, if they happen in the near future, it will be more ammo for you against him.

Good luck to all 4 of you! Here's to brighter, calmer, happier days ahead.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

:iagree:Eagle, you are in good hands. You are fortunate to have attracted the attention of Slowly and 3X, who IMO are two of this forum's most valuable members. Like you, they do counseling. Difference is that they do it here for free.


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