# HELP! Husband Moved Out Suddenly. Sexuality questions?



## Allanon (Apr 30, 2013)

HISTORY: Married 15 1/2 yrs; together 7 yrs prior. 1 (adult) child only, who's lived away since starting college 8 1/2 yrs ago. 
BACKGROUND & INTIMACY 1)-MANY common interests & LOTS of great fun up through 02/'13. 2)-Obviously very good, frequent, & mutually satisfying sex 'till 1-2 yrs ago. Around that time, husband started sleeping in guest room, saying I snored (as does he); last slept in same room at home ~1 yr ago. 2)-Around then I stopped being the one to initiating sex, which dwindled to 4x/1 yr, with him initiating 2x. It was still very good, & he's always said I was so sexy. 3)-Within the past 6 mos I know I still did it for him, as he'd get turned on by (unfortunately) infrequent french kissing & by my dancing closely with him. 4)-He used to joke that he was a sex addict; sometimes a tiny bit flirty with girls, but noted by male friend to look twice with attractive ones around 5)-First said he didn't initiate as much sex past 1-2 yrs because of some of my prior (largely resolved) health issues, eg, bad back, reflux. I only denied him <6x/23 yrs TOTAL/EVER. 6)-Porn popped up a lot ~10 yrs ago & was mostly male/female. 7)-I'm 20# more than when first married, but he reassured me I was still sexy, always said I was beautiful, said I was never a prude & that he loved how open/receptive I was in bed. He also noticed other men's (unsolicited & unreciprocated) attention toward me in social settings. I'm very feminine, have good style, & wear dresses a lot, which he always loved.8)-In past 6 months, also said he had no sex drive & didn't want sex with anyone, yet took Viagra without me. MD ruled out hormonal-type issues. He showed no signs of depression, though he was easily angered & verbally disrespectful towards others behind their backs.
ADDITIONAL: He is clearly pretty functional alcoholic, though he denies it's more than drinking too much. In counseling; says its really helping. Working on identifying possible cause of PTSD with probable childhood onset.
COUNSELING: 1 joint session since 03/'13. Therapists recommended he work on his issues, & for me to work with another (primarily for coping) before joint counseling. Next joint in 2 wks. Counseling began after I learned of....
BOMBSHELLS 1&2: 1)-Learned of his comprehensive online dating profile early 03/'13 seeking female Long or Short term relationships, pen pals. -->>He admitted this, said it there have been no meetings with anyone; site said he "replies often." He deleted site, said he was going to regardless, but was on it 2 days before i found out. 2)-Also discovered a shorter profile, but couldn't bring up who (male or female) he was seeking; it discussed exploring physical relationship/FWB. Sought traits that I completely possess. He denied it was him, but it was same general language & extremely low-incidence, 1/million name he used. MY RESPONSE: SO Sorry! Didn't know you we're so unhappy (which he's also denied 50% of the time). I'll do anything to help us/you/me. Now that I know request for help wasn't just said in anger, please me a chance, etc.
BOMBSHELL 3: 1)-He called 3 wks after my learning of his initial profile, saying A)-he couldn't work on his issues at home ("too hard"), B)-"it's mostly about me & has nothing to do with you," C)-he rented a room an hr away/closer to his job. 2)-Wont tell me (or parents) where he is (though I think I know the building his room is in). 2)Consistently repeated that he didn't want a divorce; during last talk, though, it became quite apparent that that is what he's thing of. 3)-I am pretty sure a divorce is inevitable & may be best. .... :/ 
HIS COMPLAINTS: 1)-After discussing online info with me, said we "never talk," though I was always there & we talked a ton about the same things over & over & over. 2)-Also random, lesser complaints, (eg, how I pose when photographed in family shots, etc). 3)-During 4 arguments over 2 yrs, he asked to go to counseling. I 1st said "not until we try sleeping together more." He later said he'd arrange counseling, but didn't. I thought things were really OK, (since he didn't ask again or arrange anything)...& that our marriage was actually getting better overall - though in retrospect, I felt ignored a fair amount, & sad that I couldn't travel on overnights more with him for his work.
ADDITIONAL SEXUALITY CONCERNS: 1)-VERY Evasive when asked if bi or gay, (or if seeing male or female), though I told him I'd support him if he were. 2)-Also said his feminine side is something he's "always known." 3)-Found evidence of him masturbating anally a handful of times & doing enema 1x. He also became so preoccupied with my butt in sex later, though he knew I much preferred he enjoy my lady parts more. 4)-Shared that his main fantasy on our anniversary was to know "how it feels" for me, & he ultimately became verrry preoccupied with his own butt. 5)-I found between 1 to a over a half dozen pairs of my panties in s laundry on at least 8 separate occasions. Said he was so ADHD that he ran out & forgot to buy more. 6)-Also didn't want me doing his laundry, saying I shrunk his clothes. 7)-I found other, smaller pairs that weren't mine or daughter's a few times. 8)-once found scrap of paper on which he'd written "girls dirty panties" or something like that that appeared to be a website. Said he didn't recall writing it. 9)-Extreme grooming: mask, exfoliator fund in the shower, curls eyelashes. Found concealer in his toiletry bag. Obviously wearing mascara at least 2x, but denied. 10)-Bald, buts he hates his body hair. Had ~$1000 of electrolysis to back few yrs ago. Before he moved out, noticed chest hair shaved with a long strip of hair down the center of his chest with the sides shaved. 11)-Once came to me saying "I have a surprise for you"...his shaved pubic hair. 12)Before marriage, once came over & gave me a penis-like dildo, out of the blue 13)-Also found **** rings in his toiletry bag & in guest bedroom before he moved. 14)-Has said he thought homosexuality was wrong (he's a non-practicing Catholic), & that he doesn't want to be with or think about men. 15)-Has more clothes than I do, always the best brands. 16)-Always (eg, daily or more) asked about his appearance though I constantly told him how handsome he was/is. 17)-Frequently commented on men's appearances (eg, watching TV). Also, super-strong & frequent opinions on decorating & women's clothes (eg, "great purse!") - & yes, I know that may be a stereotype, thank you. 18)-He's lied about many miscellaneous things that I can/did prove...but has said there's nobody else, & that he HAS to & WILL NO MATTER WHAT "get to the bottom of this" (ie, possible cause/PTSD &, I think, intimacy/sexuality thing).
QUESTIONS: Gay? bi? sex addict? Crossdresser, etc? I'd LOVE KIND/FAIR & honest opinions to help me understand what's happened. He's called just 2x since leaving, & I haven't seen him for over a month since just before he left. He has been pretty nice on the phone, & we will meet soon to discuss the house, etc. I AM STAYING POSITIVE though I now know our marriage is over. This has been heartbreaking, shocking, lonely, & depressing!!!


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

Everything you mention could be just sexual fantasies he has that he doesn't feel comfortable discussing with you. Just because he is interested in anal play or likes to cross dress doesn't necessarily make him gay. Though he may be a sex addict and with him living away from home I would not have unprotected sex with him till all of this is straightened out.

The fact he was looking for partners online means he is bored with his relationship with you. Whether it is of a sexual nature or not I don't know, but it seems to lean that way. The whole "Its not you it me thing" was something my ex use to tell me all the time before I figured out she was seeing someone else. Its was her all right. She wasn't in love with me anymore because she had quit trying and was placing all her focus on someone else.

Also you mention all the things he says to reassure you about stuff. Rule of thumb here. Believe nothing he says and judge him by his actions. For the most part he is going to tell you what he thinks you want to hear. 

This is the point where you need to focus on yourself and protect yourself. Search for the 180 on this site and pay particular attention to making yourself a better person and finding hobbies and things to do to pass the time and try to keep yourself in high spirits.

If you're to turn this around you need to get your husband counseling and find out what he isn't telling you so you can either fix things or move on with your life. Just my opinion. Hang in there and good luck to you.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

This behavior points to him having an A, independent of the sexuality. He moved close to his work, so a workplace affair. You can start digging if you want to confirm.


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## mrtickle (Jan 29, 2013)

I too think his sounds more like fantasies, possibly including cross-dressing elements. I don't think an affair is absolutely nailed on - the biggest red flags there are taking viagra without you (although I have heard of people who take it to engage in anonymous webcam sessions, for obvious reasons so isn't always a nailed on affair, and obviously the personals profile - but is worth investigating for sure.

If that doesn't look to be the case, then an affair - or at least some extramarital sex - sounds like it has a high risk of happening, perhaps because he is struggling with openly communicating his desire to you or because he fears you will react badly. I guess its a question of whether you are happy accomodating any kinks he may have, and if so then open dialogue and encouraging him to explore stuff with you would probably be a worthwhile step as part of any discussion around reconciliation.

If you are not happy to accomodate his kinks, or his root problem is something completely non sexual (or he is in an affair) then a split looks likely, unfortunately.

It certainly sounds like he could be a closet cross-dresser, whether straight or gay. But I would try and rule out an affair first and foremost. Or find out where he is staying somehow, and pay a surprise visit. Although brace yourself for how he may be dressed!


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