# husband having EA..



## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

Hi all,
I know this post will be scattered and I apologize in advance. I'm still reeling from finding this out tonight. We have been married 3 and a half years, and just had a baby last year. He is 9 months old. We've had what I thought was a really wonderful relationship, same interests, great sex life, etc. We have been going through a difficult time with the baby, he has had some medical problems and the first 4 months were very, very trying. He basically screamed 24/7 (no, really!) And I was home during the day by myself taking care of him, also at night because he's breastfed. I got very depressed and it was a hard time but baby is doing better now, though still has issues. I've done my very best to make my H feel wanted, loved, not forgotten about, ask him about his day,trying to get back to pre-pregnancy weight (only 10 lbs off), etc. But apparently he's been in an EA with this girl for a few months, new girl at work, who is also married. Claims there's not been anything physical, but if that's true its only because there's not been an opportunity I'm sure. Unfortunately, we also met at work. He was married but she had just moved out, and he had filed for divorce. We worked together and flirted on IM, then that led to the relationship. This is happening the same way ours did. I read their IMs, they're so similar to what ours used to be. Trying to find common interests, going out of his way to do things for her, bringing her back drinks, giving her candy, teasing her, etc. But what's really troubling is the way he refers to me. The chain. He speaks ill of me and complains about going on vacation with me in a few weeks. She calls him a nickname with "my" in front of it, for example, "awe my DJ!" He also has a pet name for me that he called her. He claims it was for the attention and he's going through an identity crisis but then he says he liked her and had feelings for her. How convenient as soon as I busted him, his feelings disappear? He was feeling conflicted but now says he loves me and will do whatever he has to do to convince me and earn my trust. 

I almost wish I'd found out without him knowing but I sort of guessed and called him on it, went all in, and he admitted bits and pieces the more we talked. Basically, I forced it out of him. Then he went straight for his phone. So I took that from him. I just read a bunch of convos he had with her that I'm not sure he knows are there, but other than that, I'm sure he'd be careful now about any future correspondence. 

I don't know where to go from here. I can't imagine trusting him again after reading all this. I feel so stupid, he met me while he was married and carried on an office affair (we weren't allowed to date co workers there), why wouldn't he do it again? Plus, everything he admitted (and he left a lot out) to was seriously forced because what he said the first million times I didn't buy, so I don't feel like how gets points for "coming clean.". I caught him in a sticky situation and his back was against the wall, I feel like he only came clean to what he absolutely had to.

Anyway he claims he's going to tell her its done and look for a new job but I want HER to leave. He's already gotten promoted and she's brand new.

Is it wrong that I want him to tell her if she doesn't leave and get another job, I'm going to tell her husband? 

Okay, so like I said I know its jumbled but I am just in shock right now. I felt disconnected from him about a month ago and told him I was worried about him straying, since that's how we met, and he told me he would never do such a thing, etc. Meanwhile he was doing it! 

I'm just heartbroken, for myself but also for my son. I don't see how he could do this to me after I've practically given up my career to raise our baby (and by the way, he talked ME into having a baby sooner than I wanted). How do we get past this? How could I ever trust anything he says again?

Thanks, all.


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## Cabsy (Mar 25, 2013)

Welcome and sorry to hear about your problems. The baby and depression now this... a lot to handle.

Think of how your relationship started - a script your husband knows and is familiar with: If he's opened his heart to this woman, the fact that he's married to you would ultimately not be enough stop him. That goes double since he's also pushed you away emotionally, as evidenced by his speaking ill of you to this woman. 

From the level of their involvement and some of the language there, I'd be surprised if it was only emotional. No opportunity? This has been going on for months and they do have time apart from work, don't they? The familiarity is there, the opportunity seems to be there, and the complications are there. It's prime affair territory.

Prepare for trickle truth. Cheaters tend to tell the truth in bits over a period of time... whether to "protect" you or cover their own hide, and they'll often reveal the smallest amount of truth they can while still placating your need to know. 

Let me add that my WS reassured me when I felt something was off with her, and my gut screamed that there was a problem. She reassured me thoroughly and completely, and I felt I knew she'd never do anything like that. I actually felt bad for questioning her and even worse because my gut feeling got stronger. I wish I'd trusted it more through the discovery and initial aftermath - would've saved me a lot of pain when I got the truth in spurts. Selfishness had taken over her personality. She felt entitled to the affair with her co-worker, and entitled to me I guess, so I'm glad I was in there somewhere. Hell, she saw that I was devastated, she'd comfort me, and then she'd be with him the next day. Two worlds, separated, held together in one's mind... and yet they're bound to collide at some point.

And you should tell her husband regardless.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

Thanks for the reply. Yes, it's been quite a time lately. I already got a taste of the trickle truth last night, and that's why I don't understand how I'm supposed to move on. I told him I don't believe they haven't been physical, but I'm not sure. I will say I didn't find (keyword find) anything overtly sexual in nature other than him calling her the pet name (which is kind of sexual in itself) and making comments about some guy that "stalks" her at work and "can you blame him?" Stuff like that. Plus he started leaving early for work to go work out. He admitted last night that was mostly for her.

I'm still floored and slept maybe 45 minutes last night. What do I do about the info he doesn't yet know that I know? Tell him or keep it quiet for now? He doesn't admit to speaking poorly of me, that's something I found on my own last night.


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## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> Thanks for the reply. Yes, it's been quite a time lately. I already got a taste of the trickle truth last night, and that's why I don't understand how I'm supposed to move on. I told him I don't believe they haven't been physical, but I'm not sure. I will say I didn't find (keyword find) anything overtly sexual in nature other than him calling her the pet name (which is kind of sexual in itself) and making comments about some guy that "stalks" her at work and "can you blame him?" Stuff like that. Plus he started leaving early for work to go work out. He admitted last night that was mostly for her.
> 
> I'm still floored and slept maybe 45 minutes last night. What do I do about the info he doesn't yet know that I know? Tell him or keep it quiet for now? He doesn't admit to speaking poorly of me, that's something I found on my own last night.


keep it to yourself, and keep adding to it. There will be more.


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> I'm still floored and slept maybe 45 minutes last night. What do I do about the info he doesn't yet know that I know? Tell him or keep it quiet for now? He doesn't admit to speaking poorly of me, that's something I found on my own last night.


DFT, first let me say that I'm sorry you're going through this.

Now about what to do. I hate to say this (yet again), but you appear to be dealing with a serial cheater. This type of cheater is the worst b/c they rarely (almost never) change their ways. Unfortunately as you've pointed out the red-flags were there based on how you got together.

I honestly think the best way forward for you is to prepare for a life without him in it. If you want to attempt to reform the un-reformable (imho), then there is a chance you might keep him in line but you're most likely going to have to play the role of parole officer and 007 with him forever. You won't be able to trust him and over time you'll come to resent it deeply.

I'm so sorry.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Do not tell him all that you know or how you know it. Keep collecting evidence. Buy a VAR and velcro it under the seat of his car as another poster suggested.

Then, when you know enough to confront again (find out if he is still talking to her, whether it is a PA), then you expose to the OWH.

I'm very sorry. I hope this is worth it. It sounds like your H is a serial strayer. He marries his AP's and then cheats on them.


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> I already got a taste of the trickle truth last night, and that's why I don't understand how I'm supposed to move on. I told him I don't believe they haven't been physical, but I'm not sure.


Oh you're sure, you know the truth, just rewind and replay how it went down when you first met him.

T


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

Thanks so much to all of you for responding! The last 36 hours have been a whirlwind of emotions. He has left the house to stay with a friend while my best friend came from out of town to stay with me. We are in contact because we were working out the details of how he was going to end contact, etc, tricky because they work together. Yesterday he took half a day off to try to fix things with me, she had already emailed him by noon asking if he was coming in to work that day. Today she's been trying to get his attention. First gave him candy, which he ignored and gave to a co worker. Then walked past him and said hi, which he also ignored, then went on linked in and endorsed him (he deleted her after that) then finally sent him an IM saying "hey! I hope I haven't offended or annoyed you from all my questions. You've just been really quiet lately." He also ignored that because he is giving her the no contact letter on the newbie post at the end of the day, putting it on her car. He doesn't want to cause gossip to get back to his boss because he doesn't want to jeopardize his job. I don't either because he needs to support his son. So I'm torn. He is starting to look for new jobs and doesn't want me to email her just yet (i wanted to email her and tell her if she is still working there in a month, I will contact her H). I am going to contact her H regardless, but if I can use the threat to my advantage first, I will. He says he is worried she'll tell co workers about my email but she'll act as if she's innocent and it was just friendly and then that will get talked about. The way they acted was very covert as far as an EA goes. No one saying I love you, no talking dirty, no clear advances, I'm sure to convince themselves they weren't doing anything wrong. I really want her to hear from me, and I don't think he's trying to protect her, but it just feels like it. He has been forthright about all of this so far and he's cried a lot. The thing I can't wrap my brain around is that he told me he had "lost all hope that we would ever be able to connect like we used to" but how can that be true when I didn't even see this coming? We were way worse off 6 months ago when we had a nonstop screaming baby than we have been the last few months, so why now... I feel like y'all are right, maybe this is just who he is. He gets bored and finds new entertainment. If he gets a new job, he could just do it again with someone new. He seems remorseful so far but wouldn't that be par for the course?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

You're going to threaten her for your husband's indiscretion, really? If you are going to expose, expose to her husband as soon as possible to force the contact to stop. However, keep in mind that she can just as easily turn this around to the employer that he harassed her or pursued her and have him fired. 

I get the financial aspect but the continued secrecy and playing games at work are just illogical.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

I will also add, I'm only inclined to believe this isn't a PA because it was still in the beginning stages of the EA and he really isn't gone much except to work. He usually comes home for lunch, and because we have the baby, he's normally with me on the weekends. He works late almost every day but that's been the case long before she showed up. I told him if I hadn't found out he would have done something physical with her and he swears he wouldn't have done that. Then he says "I didn't with you!" Well, that's true, way back when he held out with me because he wanted to "do things right" because I was so important. So now I'm like, okay if that's your excuse then you're saying she means too much to you for you to rush into sex? Ugh. But no, he "liked" her before, but magically as soon as I find out, he doesn't anymore. Hard to believe. Claims it was the ego boost.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

TCSRedhead said:


> You're going to threaten her for your husband's indiscretion, really? If you are going to expose, expose to her husband as soon as possible to force the contact to stop. However, keep in mind that she can just as easily turn this around to the employer that he harassed her or pursued her and have him fired.
> 
> I get the financial aspect but the continued secrecy and playing games at work are just illogical.


How else do I ensure she leaves the employment? How is he playing games at work at this point? What do I have him do while at work? I do also have the chats so there's a clear record he wasn't harassing her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

They are both in the same department so I feel a minimal amount of contact is there whether we like it or not. Unless one of them leaves.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> How else do I ensure she leaves the employment? How is he playing games at work at this point? What do I have him do while at work? I do also have the chats so there's a clear record he wasn't harassing her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You're basically holding her responsible for the relationship by forcing HER to leave her job when it's equally both her fault AND your husband's fault. By blackmailing her in to leaving her job, you may be violating HR policies as well as local or state laws.

My point was to be direct. If you want to expose her, expose her - don't play around with it or try to dictate what she must do. 

And the chats aren't everything and won't tell the whole story. They'll depose her, him and coworkers. She can say he pursued her every day in the breakroom, grabbing at her and making lewd comments. She can say that he said all sorts of things. In the end, HR would take action likely against your husband if he's in a higher position and thought to 'know better' than to jeopardize the company. The cost of the investigation will go pretty high (over $30k from what I've seen) and in the end, most companies will look for a reason to get rid of the parties involved.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You have to have NC and the best way to do this is to expose. Expose to the OWH. Don't wait to do that. You have some evidence that you can show him. He won't like it, no matter what her reaction is. You can't force her to quit, but her H may insist on it. Your H finding a new job is his responsibility. No matter what, the NC has to happen. You're going to have to take our word for it, nothing else will work.

And it's true that he could just do the same thing in the next job, but you're married with a new baby, so I'm assuming that this is a trust issue that you are just going to have to deal with. If he is a person who thinks he has to have all the excitement of infatuation in order to have a relationship, then you are indeed facing a serious problem. He should go to IC to deal with this. He needs to grow up.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

Well, I exposed what I could to her husband. The guy who helped get her the job is one of my husband's best friends so he knows. He's mad at her because apparently she acts like this a lot, with a lot of guys. It's clear she just wants male attention and I do think it was a little "less serious"for her than it was for my husband. Anyway the mutual friend called her and told her she was out of line and she should start looking for another job because I was going to tell her husband and things were going to get ugly. She maintained her innocence the whole time. Asked to talk to me. I called her from a blocked number because I don't want her having my number. Left a voicemail and said I'd call back in 10 mins. She actually had her husband answer and told me he already knew what had been said and why was I "flipping out" which was annoying because I was so calm. It was clear to me he hadn't heard everything because I told him a few things he obviously hadn't heard. Then told him I'd get him the rest so he could see for himself. Sent him all of it via facebook. She sent an email to my husband and me (on his work email) of course denying she did or said anything inappropriate and that in her marriage she is allowed opposite sex friends, but knows not all marriages are like that. Yeah, as if that's all this was. The problem isn't having opposite sex friends. Anyway, the tone of her email made me want to puke, it was so fake and innocent. As if she had no idea what she was doing and how she was coming across. Wrote her back and told her I didn't buy it for a second and that my H wanted nothing to do with her. She tried to discourage me from going to show her H because "he already saw and doesn't care" but obviously I already showed him and she didn't know yet. It was just so insulting for her to play this doe eyed innocent girl who only thought she was being friendly. I don't have many good things to say about my husband right now, but at least he was man enough to admit it was all insanely inappropriate.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

So now I get to deal with the thought of them seeing each other every day and people asking him about it, as she's sure to gossip. Super.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

The exposure was good and necessary. She's definitely in CYA mode not only with her H, but regarding the job. Your H is also on warning. Try not to worry or feel responsible about the current work issues that result from this - your H made his bed and so did the flirt. Remember that she will be completely innocent sounding in anything she writes now because she knows that people are watching and reading. So, also try not to worry about her tone.

I think you have to be brutally honest with your H about this pattern of his. Having sunlight on the issue can only help you try to mend this. As I said, he has to grow up, stop thinking that his love life is a HS romance & understand what it means to have a mature marital relationship. This includes not just appropriate boundaries, but mutual respect and honesty as well.

How is he acting now?


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## PastOM (Apr 12, 2013)

DFT:

I hate this for you.

1. Tell the OWH what's going on, with proof.
2. Tell H that, if he wants R with you, then he has no choices, no options, no negotiation:
a) she leaves job or he leaves job within 15 days
b) MC for both of you immediately
c) H comes 100% clean
d) any other evidence after (c), or of any other A means immediate D.
3. Look after yourself - eat well, drink lots of water, and get sleep (a few hours several times a day if need be).

Be very clear about what you want. I wouldn't suggest that you D right now, but realize that your H has a pattern - you either break it, or be prepared to be done.

Good Luck!

Edit - posted late ... sorry.


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## Cabsy (Mar 25, 2013)

She didn't want her fantasy world to end, and she certainly didn't want to face the consequences of the real world, so she lied and acted innocent as one final ploy to keep things rolling her way. It sounds like she has a problem not with male friends, but with craving male attention too much and crossing boundaries too readily. Most men are too shy, afraid of rejection, or don't even think to ask a married woman - but a flirty wife may as well have an OPEN FOR BUSINESS sign around her neck. It sends all the wrong signals to men, and it gives them a backstage pass to avoid all the usual hang-ups of asking a girl out.

The gossip - it sucks, but try not to own your husband's shame. It's his, not yours. If they do have to keep working together, that's definitely not ideal, but I'm right there with you. Just make 100% sure your husband is out of the fog and keep a very close eye on him. My WS and the OM work at the same company and are in the same facility, briefly, a few times a week. The rules are she texts me any time she sees his face, even if he's at the other end of a 300 ft hallway.

A week after my first "reconciliation" with my WS, she had a work meeting with the OM and a shared customer (those are finished). They began texting again that day and I caught them a few days later. The fantasy hadn't ended completely yet, not in her mind, so she found a way to make it okay to talk to him. Be wary of that, if either of them hold a place for each-other or what they "had" together, then being in close proximity at work means it could spark back up at any time. Maybe not right now, but at the next moment of weakness. And it sounds like both of them are full of weaknesses.

Be vigilant, stay strong, good luck.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

Oh, just got a nasty email from the OW. Apparently her H didn't tell her he got my message until this morning and she pretty much threatened me to file harassment charges if I contacted him again, thinking that after I told her to leave us alone I contacted her husband. I didn't speak with her until after I sent the message to her husband. What I find interesting is she's so angry. But then claims neither of them think it's a big deal and they both find it laughable. I told her to check her timestamp and she'd be sorry to threaten me. And that if it's so laughable, to go laugh about it and leave me alone. Of course she wants to have a pissing contest and has to respond and agree, say "likewise about being sorry.". Really... If it's not a big deal, why are you soooo angry? Now I'm pissed because it's my husband's first day home from staying at a friend's at my request and he's telling me to leave it alone. He didn't even seem angry when I showed him the tone of her email to me. He just was like "oh great now everyone at work is going to be talking about it.". Up until now he seemed totally remorseful. Wtf is up with him acting like this and trying to tell ME to be the bigger person and crap?


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

You have got to be kidding me. The nerve of this *****. She just walked past my H at work this morning and as he was avoiding eye contact she says to him, "You don't have to worry, I'm not going to talk to you." Uhhh...then what is it you're doing right now?! This after she tells ME she would file harassment charges if I contacted her husband again. OMG my head is spinning, I'm so mad. Clearly she was testing the waters, and somehow I doubt that will be the last time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

Oh, also H said he sort of rolled his eyes and sighed, and kept walking.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> Oh, just got a nasty email from the OW. Apparently her H didn't tell her he got my message until this morning and she pretty much threatened me to file harassment charges if I contacted him again, thinking that after I told her to leave us alone I contacted her husband. I didn't speak with her until after I sent the message to her husband. What I find interesting is she's so angry. But then claims neither of them think it's a big deal and they both find it laughable. I told her to check her timestamp and she'd be sorry to threaten me. And that if it's so laughable, to go laugh about it and leave me alone. Of course she wants to have a pissing contest and has to respond and agree, say "likewise about being sorry.". Really... If it's not a big deal, why are you soooo angry? Now I'm pissed because it's my husband's first day home from staying at a friend's at my request and he's telling me to leave it alone. He didn't even seem angry when I showed him the tone of her email to me. He just was like "oh great now everyone at work is going to be talking about it.". Up until now he seemed totally remorseful. Wtf is up with him acting like this and trying to tell ME to be the bigger person and crap?


She can't file harassment charges unless you were harassing her. HEr husband would have to file the charges since he would be the victim not her. She's and idiot and is trying to secure her cash cow.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> Oh, just got a nasty email from the OW. Apparently her H didn't tell her he got my message until this morning and she pretty much threatened me to file harassment charges if I contacted him again, thinking that after I told her to leave us alone I contacted her husband. I didn't speak with her until after I sent the message to her husband. What I find interesting is she's so angry. But then claims neither of them think it's a big deal and they both find it laughable. I told her to check her timestamp and she'd be sorry to threaten me. And that if it's so laughable, to go laugh about it and leave me alone. Of course she wants to have a pissing contest and has to respond and agree, say "likewise about being sorry.". Really... If it's not a big deal, why are you soooo angry? Now I'm pissed because it's my husband's first day home from staying at a friend's at my request and he's telling me to leave it alone. He didn't even seem angry when I showed him the tone of her email to me. He just was like "oh great now everyone at work is going to be talking about it.". Up until now he seemed totally remorseful. Wtf is up with him acting like this and trying to tell ME to be the bigger person and crap?


If your husband just got promoted then why can't he just let her go. I am sure the HR department wouldn't be happy about your husbands actions but it would be more than likely to terminate her employment because she is new and is already engaging in inappropriate behavior.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

Oh I know she wouldn't be able to charge me with anything, especially since her husband never told me to leave him alone. But the fact that she threatened me with that and then tests the waters by commenting to my husband is just disgusting. He got promoted but he's not "over" her and doesn't do the firing. He's worried HR would let them both go and he'd be without a job when we have a baby to support. The nerve of this OW is just unreal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Has hubby now learned his lesson about playing with fire at work? There is a lot of anger and hostility directed at the OW but not so much at your BH who could have prevented all of this crap.


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## NatureDave (Feb 19, 2013)

This thread is a good read and should reinforce some basic concepts and steps that are time proven, how to do them right and in this case, how to do them wrong.

1) No contact - Needed to be established with a handwritten letter to her from your husband that you approved. Needs to state that this relationship was cruel indulgence and a threat to his marriage and than no contact for life is required to make his marriage work.

You see now what didn't work. Your husband suddenly giving her the silent treatment, you calling her husband.

2) Exposure - exposure is necessary because affairs thrive on secrecy. Bringing things out in the open kill the fun and thrill of it quicker than anything.

Never threaten exposure, it just alerts the players and gives them time to get their stories straight and make you out as the crazy one.

Do not use exposure as a bargaining chip. You can't try to control someone's actions by the threat.

Exposure needs to be thorough and done all at once. Letting it trickle through the workplace as rumor and gossip is the worst thing that could have happened. As you see, now she denies, paints your husband as the aggressor and her as the innocent victim. Workplace exposure should have been done by certified letter to both supervisors, to the HR department, and to the CEO so that it's not swept under the rug.

3) Change of jobs - they cannot continue to work together. She will keep pushing his buttons. Even if that doesn't happen, when things calm down a subtle little "hello" will then open the door to more conversations and soon they will be back at it.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

She is one of those women who loves male attention and knows how to get it. She wasn't as interested in your H as he was in her because he was just the latest puppet on her string. Her ego won't let her lose, though, so she needs to have the last word. She certainly won't be slapped down by another woman because she thinks she's better than other women.

Don't worry about harassment.There's nothing you've done that could even remotely be considered harassment, either criminally or civilly.

Stay monotone with your H if you can:

- He crossed the line with his behavior with her and threatened your M.
- If he continues to do this, you will divorce him.
- His work is not a playground. If he behaves professionally, he will never have to be afraid of gossip or HR.
- NC has to happen. It's his job to see that it does.

Stay strong. I think you've been doing really well emotionally, considering.


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> Oh, also H said he sort of rolled his eyes and sighed, and kept walking.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


How do you know all of this? Were you there when all this occurred? The main problem with spouses IN MY OPINION.... is you find out they have been lying through their teeth and wont come clean unless you have proof, act as if you have proof or show them proof -- BUT will continue to believe every single thing that comes out of the PROVEN liars mouth when they tell you something. It is just amazing..... So my thought is how much of it is he leaving out that he has done, or did " As she walked down the hall"... WOW... 

I'm not saying he is lying but all of a sudden you're showing all this anger towards her and and they BOTH did the dirt.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

NatureDave said:


> This thread is a good read and should reinforce some basic concepts and steps that are time proven, how to do them right and in this case, how to do them wrong.
> 
> 1) No contact - Needed to be established with a handwritten letter to her from your husband that you approved. Needs to state that this relationship was cruel indulgence and a threat to his marriage and than no contact for life is required to make his marriage work.
> 
> ...


You are right, I should have gone ahead and told him to do the letter. He had it all written out and in an envelope but didn't have her address and was going to put it on her car for her to get after work. His mutual friend (the one that got her the job there) instead called me and told me he was pissed at both of them, but mostly at her because she does this with "all the guys" and that he was going to call her up and tell her she needed to stop. That led to an email from her to the both of us expressing her "sincere apologies" that things she said were "misinterpreted" and that she was "naive" to think things couldn't be "taken the wrong way." We exchanged a few emails and she made it clear she was going to stay away from him and have no further contact, and it was also made clear that that's what HE wanted, I only agreed with him. 

On the exposure, I said I wanted to threaten her with telling her H but I actually didn't end up doing that, to be fair. I didn't threaten, just said that I was going to do it. I spoke directly with her husband and told him I was going to show him everything I had so he could make his own decision. I told him I'd bring it to his work. He never told me not to come. Then after I found him through facebook and sent it through there instead (I really didn't want to meet him), she sends me a threatening email. She was clearly angry but then said my "attempt at hurting their marriage was laughable." Okay cool, so why was she so upset when I said from the beginning of my conversation with the mutual friend and with the husband that I was going to give him what I had so he could be aware...

I completely respect what you guys say about exposing to the workplace but it's sometimes simply not that easy. I wish he could have, but we have a 9 month old baby that he needs to support and their company is having some difficulties. Taking a risk that he would be without a job with a baby to support during a recession when not many places are hiring just wasn't a risk that I was willing to take. If my marriage ends because I didn't expose to management in the workplace, so be it, but I am trying to look out for my son, who is innocent in all this.

I agree he has to change jobs, and he has already been actively speaking with people and sending his resume. But until then, he is stuck there with a woman who is desperately trying to get his attention back and it just SUCKS sitting at home wondering what is going to happen today while he's gone at work.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> She is one of those women who loves male attention and knows how to get it. She wasn't as interested in your H as he was in her because he was just the latest puppet on her string. Her ego won't let her lose, though, so she needs to have the last word. She certainly won't be slapped down by another woman because she thinks she's better than other women.
> 
> Don't worry about harassment.There's nothing you've done that could even remotely be considered harassment, either criminally or civilly.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much. I have iterated all those points to him and he hasn't argued with anything I have said. I completely agree with your assessment on what kind of woman she is. She thrives on the male attention, so I think she's going to get really mad when she can't get it. It's all a game to her and she clearly isn't used to losing.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

NaturalHeart said:


> How do you know all of this? Were you there when all this occurred? The main problem with spouses IN MY OPINION.... is you find out they have been lying through their teeth and wont come clean unless you have proof, act as if you have proof or show them proof -- BUT will continue to believe every single thing that comes out of the PROVEN liars mouth when they tell you something. It is just amazing..... So my thought is how much of it is he leaving out that he has done, or did " As she walked down the hall"... WOW...
> 
> I'm not saying he is lying but all of a sudden you're showing all this anger towards her and and they BOTH did the dirt.


Trust me, most of my anger is directed at him and him alone. But he is so far remorseful and has been an open book to me since he came back home. Actually since the day he left, the day after DDay. Maybe I shouldn't believe him, that's fair, but what would be the point in making up that story today, when yesterday he said nothing happened at work (no communication, run ins, etc)? Wouldn't he just tell me nothing happened again? How would I ever find out about this exchange since it was just the two of them passing in the hallway? 

My anger at HER is based on the fact that she threatened to file harassment charges on me after I sent her husband all the chats I had between the two of them. Though she would have no leg to stand on with those charges, she was still very rude and insulting in her email and told me "how dare I" contact her husband after she had already said she would have no more contact with my husband. Now, she's making comments to him in the hallway to try to see how far she can push him before he corresponds with her. That's what I'm mad at. That she has the nerve to threaten me and then go off and do that.

I'm not naive, or immature enough to put this all on her. I am angry at him every day. I don't know how to not be angry at him. But as far as I can see, he is doing what he is able to do at this point to fix it. She is just trying to make it worse.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You've exposed to OWH. Now stay away from them. This woman sounds like a total ***** and she's going to do everything in her power to make your husband (and you if you let her) look and feel stupid. He's on his own there. But you need to stay out of it.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

She won't be slapped down by him, you or anyone. This is the mentality. She needs everyone in the soap opera of her life to know that she is the winner, the woman that men can't resist, the woman who can reel in any man she wants, the woman who calls the shots. Her ego is on the line and will only stop when it appears that she has made her point.

Your H has to realize that he is just one of her dupes. If he understands that and sees that he was just the latest pawn in her game, his ego could very well hold him in check. If he stays flattered by her, then you are in trouble. He must come to realize that it isn't flattery. He is an empty conquest to her. If he continues to bite, he will ruin his family because of a self-important, narcissistic woman's game. This is on him, though, not her. He has to figure this out & take full responsibility.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> She won't be slapped down by him, you or anyone. This is the mentality. She needs everyone in the soap opera of her life to know that she is the winner, the woman that men can't resist, the woman who can reel in any man she wants, the woman who calls the shots. Her ego is on the line and will only stop when it appears that she has made her point.
> 
> Your H has to realize that he is just one of her dupes. If he understands that and sees that he was just the latest pawn in her game, his ego could very well hold him in check. If he stays flattered by her, then you are in trouble. He must come to realize that it isn't flattery. He is an empty conquest to her. If he continues to bite, he will ruin his family because of a self-important, narcissistic woman's game. This is on him, though, not her. He has to figure this out & take full responsibility.


He seems to understand this, especially after reading how she tried to play innocent and that she lied about several things, saying she didn't initiate the conversation when we both knew she had. I have the chats to verify. It just makes me sick wondering how far she'll go to win.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

Openminded said:


> You've exposed to OWH. Now stay away from them. This woman sounds like a total ***** and she's going to do everything in her power to make your husband (and you if you let her) look and feel stupid. He's on his own there. But you need to stay out of it.


I have been. I just need a place to vent!!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> I have been. I just need a place to vent!!


Venting here is fine. Venting in the real world is sometimes not the best thing. That's why TAM is such a wonderful place. Plenty of us who have gone through what you are going through.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

I've been feeling so resentful lately. I still don't understand his reasoning ("I lost hope that we would make it.") And I kind of think it's bull. I never felt like our marriage was on the rocks until he started pulling away from me after he started talking to OW. I felt like we have a new baby and are adjusting to our new life, but never like our marriage was actually in trouble. I would even remind him that I know things are hard at times now, but that it's only temporary. He claims he didn't believe me. Why do I find that so hard to believe?

Not just that, but I feel like I'm so careful now to pay him attention while I'm trying to work things out, out of fear that if I don't pay him the attention he deems appropriate, he'll decide to find it somewhere else. And he's been better this week since I let him come back home, but I still feel like I'm "putting more into it" when it should be him groveling at my feet. Guess it doesn't help he's been sick so my first instinct is to take care of him. Then I'm thinking.. Who's taking care of me?

It made me so sad and angry talking to him about a work picnic they are having in a few months. I just remember last year, I was about 7 months pregnant but still looked and felt great, we went and had a great time, got so many compliments, I really loved being the "trophy wife" going to his events. Maybe that makes me sound vain, but I did. So I think, just last year we went to this picnic and you showed me off and we had a good time, and now this year I have to hide my face at home (he isn't going either of course) because your stupid little girlfriend might be there... It really makes me mad at him.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Whereas I think it's important for each person in a marriage to work on the relationship, your H is doing the classic justification routine for his A with his co-worker. This is so common as to be the norm - he manufactures or magnifies a grievance in order to give himself permission to cheat. This then creates in you a need to correct something that wasn't really wrong or broken.

Try to focus on you and your child. If you work on yourself, keep yourself healthy and fit and strong, you have your best chance of showing both of you that you will survive with or without him. He has to know that the consequences of what he has done are ultimately the end of his family as he knows it. Those are the natural consequences, unfortunately, and the only ones that cheaters appear to truly understand.


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## BetrayedAgain7 (Apr 27, 2013)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> I don't know where to go from here. I can't imagine trusting him again after reading all this. I feel so stupid, he met me while he was married and carried on an office affair, why wouldn't he do it again?


Don't feel stupid. That's just a waste of precious emotional energy which you and your son need. When we know better, we do better. He *has* done it again, so take what you can from that irrevocable fact to change yourself.



distraughtfromtexas said:


> Is it wrong that I want him to tell her if she doesn't leave and get another job, I'm going to tell her husband?


I personally think it is wrong and it would be better in the long run for your own development to take steps to find out who she is and tell her yourself, not because he should get away with not doing his own dirty work, but for the reason I just stated.

My heart goes out to you, I know how you feel. Take good care of yourself and your son. 


Edit: Sorry didn't realise your first post was made 10 days ago! That'll learn me, please ignore, lol.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

My anger at her is because he's admitted his wrongs and is trying to make it right, and she can't let it go although she told me she would. The anger at my husband is hard to handle, but you can rest assured it's there. Some days I just want him to hold me and other days (like tonight) I just scream at him and cry. I can't stop feeling like he finds another woman more attractive than me. I can't stop comparing myself to her. I can't stop thinking I'll never feel good enough, because of him. I keep thinking, you know i could find someone who didn't take me for granted and who would treat me like i deserve. 

He seems to be doing everything right right now, but I just don't know if it's enough. Especially since, for the time being, he has to still work there and she is still attempting to engage him. We have MC scheduled next week.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

An excerpt straight from one of her emails: "I will not speak to him at all. You have my word on that." It has only been 2 weeks and she's already tried twice.

I can't stop stewing over this this weekend, I know she doesn't know me therefore owes me nothing but she went on to apologize for any misunderstanding blah blah, tried to act like some upstanding person, kept telling me "I'm being genuine when I say that." 

I want to tell her off so badly, but it's clear as of right now, she thinks my husband wants contact with her and I am forcing him not to, so I feel like contacting her to tell her "hey, so you know, he tells me each time you try to engage him by talking to him, talking about how desperate and crazy you must be, and we both have a good laugh about it." Yay or nay? H hasn't wanted to cause a scene around others at the office so far so when she called out to him Friday to tell him good job, when he looked up and realized it was her, he said, "oh." And turned back around. I feel like he will have to be an a-hole to her or embarrass her for her to stop, so she knows it's not just coming from me. But I don't know when he'll have the opportunity and not make a scene. Thoughts?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

She sounds like a woman who likes to be in control of the men around her. She knows her power. She sent out a lure to your H and he responded. 

You say you feel insecure in comparison now, and that's understandable, but I think you have to try hard to declare yourself, for yourself, to be the substantive woman between the two of you. If he wants her instead of you, that says something about him that isn't very flattering. I know it's very hard to find real comfort in this sort of pride, but it is really the truth. She's a nothing. She needs to swish her fanny around and wrap men around her finger in order to assert her power. Lots of men fall for this, of course. If your H can't see this after everything you've now gone through, he's not a very substantive man.

What I'm coming to is - don't take her bait. Don't respond to her. If you talk to her, you tacitly admit that she is your rival and the playing field is level. She sounds like the sort of woman who wants it to be clear that she can steal the man if she wants to. Don't give her any satisfaction in this regard.

And keep very much on top of the NC. This will be a slog for you. He got himself into this and he can't unring the bell either in his own head or in yours.

Keep reminding yourself that you are the prize. You deserve better than the cr*p you have been handed recently.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

Thank you for your wise words, ad. He does see right through her now and is trying to handle the best he can without making others around them in the office feel uncomfortable.

We are having trouble figuring out what the best approach is, but both feel like he may have to be a jerk to get her to leave him alone. He suggested the next time she tries to talk to him in front of everyone else, that he totally ignores it so everyone sees he is completing ignoring her, then calls her extension and tells her something like, "I don't know how else to make it clear, I want nothing to do with you. Leave me alone, go seek attention from someone else.". Then hang up and not engage in any conversation further. Really need everyone's thoughts on this.. I'm sure she'll be ramping up her efforts this week and we need to be ready.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

If they are just in the same office together and not actively working on projects that others would expect that they interact on, then he should just not talk to her when she talks to him.

You know that most people here think that her continued presence there with him in any guise is a problem for you. I realize it's logistically very difficult for you, but if he has to stay where she is, then he has to not talk to her.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

He is trying to find a new job as quickly as possible, but in the meantime, they are in the same department and sit one row away from each other. I wish he could just quit without having something lined up, but that wouldn't be smart for us.

So just keep letting her try to say stuff to him in front of everyone and just ignore?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Yes. What other choice is there?

It sounds like there is no management leverage that he can use to get her to stop. You've talked to her H. You could try that again.

Not talking to her at all is what used to be called 'the cut direct' in society - just acting like the person doesn't exist. If your H is sincere in his efforts, she will give up eventually.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

I guess I just imagine her really trying to put him on the spot in front of others... "Hellooo, did you hear me..." Etc.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

Just wish he could say something really rude just to turn her off so she would lose interest, you know?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

She sounds like the sort who very much wants the attention. You could hope that she will give up if he doesn't take the bait.

Your best shot would be to have a manager come down on her. If her job were at risk, she'd stop very quickly.

Didn't you mention a mutual friend that helped you with this? Could he be a resource?


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

Yes, I was thinking that as well. He's not a manager but has been working there a long time and has a lot of pull there. Maybe just have him tell her she looks like an idiot?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I would tell her that a condition of your marriage is no contact with her and she needs to respect it.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Sounds to me like this woman my have a personality disorder (borderline or HPD). Very difficult to deal with...don't really receive things at a real cognitive level...even when you try to be as concrete as possible. They are drama whirlwinds and thrive off the attention of others...and will do a whole spectrum of things (seduce, flirt, feign helplessness, threaten suicide) whatever it will do to get sole attention. It also sounds to me that she enjoys making your husband feel uncomfortable at work...eliciting some sense of power...making her think she is winning. What? Who knows? Your husband needs to look into why he chose not to say no to her, then set harsh boundaries...not attacking though (cos that will signify a war...and crazy people don't care what ammo they use). Sadly, this is a consequence of his actions...and it probably may very well result in job change...cos people like her don't care about another's reputation, job, marriage...as long as they get what they want. Either that, or just lay low until she finds a new flavor of the month.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

#1--He should find another job ASAP!!! I know he's looking and the economy sux but that should be priority numero uno.

#2--If she comes to speak to him, whether they are alone or with others, he can look her dead in the eye, and very calmly say, "I do not want contact with you in any way. In front of all these witnesses, I'm asking you to please leave me alone. Thank you for stopping," and then turn and leave. It may embarrass her a little but she is harassing him in the workplace and he needs to make it clear that it's unwanted contact. Then ask any witnesses for a little note or statement that they did, indeed, see him ask her to stop. (That's for evident "in case".)

#3--If she persists after that, gather evidence of her attempts (print out emails, etc.) and keep that as more evidence "in case." Then put it in writing, and send a copy to the HR dept. or your hubby's boss. He doesn't have to say "....because we had an affair" but there is no reason he couldn't say "<Her Name>has been trying to talk to me on a personal level and I am not interesting in any kind of contact. I asked her to not speak to me in front of X and X, and despite my request, she is persisting in her attempts. This contact is unwanted and is making the work environment uncomfortable for me. Now I'm putting this request for no contact of any kind in writing, and I'm asking for the company to step in and prevent it. Thanks."

#4--If she persists, she is a sicko. Again make copies of her attempts to contact after the letter to the company (print emails, show a record of a phone bill from her to him, etc.) and take all the previous "in case" evidence, and take the copy of that company letter, AND go get a restraining order. This level would be threatening behavior and on the verge of stalking. 

#5--If she persists, keep a copy of the restraining order on you and your husband at all times, gather evidence of her attempt, call the police, and she's off the jail! 

Problem Solved! She'll get the message eventually!


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> it's clear as of right now, she thinks my husband wants contact with her and I am forcing him not to


I just read your thread. I would say she is right on the money. From her perspective, your husband DID want to contact her. He even was getting up early to WORK OUT to look better FOR HER and he was BADMOUTHING you to her. All of this until YOU found out about it and put an end to it.

Try to see it from her perspective.

I get that she is a manipulative drama queen who is playing innocent and also pushing all of your buttons. Sounds like she has had a lot of practice and is quite good at it. Also sounds like she is good at really convincing herself that she is, in fact, right and everyone else is wrong.

The best thing your husband can do is just to treat her as someone he dislikes and does not get along with at all - and do his job. How did you act with people you disliked or did not get along with at work? You didn't completely ignore them or refuse to speak to them, did you? You just speak to them as little as possible and keep it to the minimum required to get your job done. That's what your husband should do. She'll get it IF your husband sticks with it and keeps it STRICTLY business. I question whether or not he's capable. Hopefully he'll find a new job soon.

You should stop trying to get the last word in with this woman. If she emails you again, ignore her. As a matter of fact, change your email address. Have your husband change his personal email address. Same thing with your cell phone numbers.

This woman is a common occurrence in an office. She soon will be on to the next guy. That will be tough for your husband to see, but it will make him feel even more foolish than he feels now. Heck, she already was on to the next guy, this type always has someone else on their radar.

By the way, did you ever let him know you found out about him saying bad things about you to her?


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

I did. He knows I know all of that now, especially since I had to send some of them to her husband. I'm also linked to his work emails and chats so I receive them as they come in.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think talking to a woman like this at all gives her enough satisfaction to encourage her to keep pushing. It's true that she has no reason to really think that your H wants to cut off contact with her & that it all comes from you (I agree with Will Kane and actually question whether you are getting the real picture now yourself - you're not in the office watching), but all the more reason not to keep the door open at all. If he needs to say anything at all, let him do what Affaircare suggests and repeat that there is to be no contact between them.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

It's also likely that once she realizes your H isn't gonna play anymore that she may raise a stink with HR or other colleagues OR try to paint your H in a negative way at work.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

So the b1tch finally quit about a week and a half ago. There has been way too much going on still though. It appears my WH is going through a mental breakdown, he's threatened suicide once the day I talked to a divorce attorney, and another day he told me he was looking up ways to kill himself.. Then started behaving erratically, then said he was doing it on purpose because he wanted attention and to go to the hospital. So I was like okay if you want to go to the hospital so badly, we're going. I'm not gonna play games with you. Well that was probably the worst experience of his life...they involuntarily transferred him to the mental hospital downtown (didn't know they wouldn't let us pick the place) that is dirty and full of homeless people. Police handcuffed him and took him there (protocol). Their ER was full so he spent the night in a warehouse looking room full of beds lined up next to each other and people next to him attacking staff and having to be restrained/sedated. 

Anyway, I don't know what to do. It seems like he's so anxious about NOT thinking anything about other women that he's doing exactly the opposite, but he said he feels like he has mental Tourette's, can't control his thoughts, then has crippling anxiety about it, then has more thoughts because of the anxiety, and it cycles. Our counselor told him that telling me about it was a good way to handle it so he could relieve some of the anxiety. Cool, that's great, so he can get it off his chest but now I'm forced to handle it and I feel like I have to stuff it down so he doesn't have a breakdown.

But then I'm thinking, well he said some of it was for attention, so would he really have a breakdown or would it all be an act? I feel so unbelievably trapped in this. His psychiatrist originally diagnosed him with depression but since the hospital visit has changed his meds. They haven't given him a new diagnosis but what kind of person does these things to go to the hospital to get attention? That's way more than regular depression. There is something seriously wrong with him and I just want to know what it is so I can figure out how to deal with it.

Anyway, just updating.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

Ahh, like this morning. I get an email saying he's been having panicky thoughts about the mental hospital. Then a girl he works with came up to his desk to talk to him and she was wearing a low cut dress and he thought about motorboating her. This is what I hear on a daily basis. I've never felt so degraded and unloved in my life. And I feel like I can't do anything about it because if I do anything but stuff it down and take it, he's going to do something crazy.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You had no idea what you married, it seems. He kept his interest in other women away from you until you were safely in the mommy zone and he couldn't hide the fact that he was moving on to the new girl in the office.

He doesn't sound like he wants to leave you, though. He just has no idea how to live without having his cake and eating it, too. He's probably been doing that forever & now, without that option, he's falling apart.

What was the impetus for your divorce talk? Did it have to do with OW leaving her job? Or his over-the-top 'honesty' about his wandering eye?


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> ....what kind of person does these things to go to the hospital to get attention? That's way more than regular depression. There is something seriously wrong with him and I just want to know what it is so I can figure out how to deal with it.


I've seen addicts go to the hospital with "issues" just to get drugs from a doctor. Sometimes they self-inflict in order to get that attention. My niece, years ago, "attempted" suicide with a butter knife on her wrist, and they put her in a ward for three days (madatory). She was a teenager at the time though... 

So it does happen. Ugh. Sorry you're having to go through THAT along with all the other crap.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

I think AD has nailed it. He's putting an emotional pincer movement on you, so you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. 

We can figure how to defend against a military pincer movement, but it's hard to relate it to an emotional war. Which is what you find yourself in today.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> You had no idea what you married, it seems. He kept his interest in other women away from you until you were safely in the mommy zone and he couldn't hide the fact that he was moving on to the new girl in the office.
> 
> He doesn't sound like he wants to leave you, though. He just has no idea how to live without having his cake and eating it, too. He's probably been doing that forever & now, without that option, he's falling apart.
> 
> What was the impetus for your divorce talk? Did it have to do with OW leaving her job? Or his over-the-top 'honesty' about his wandering eye?


Mostly the fact that I learned he had a wandering eye and was unsatisfied with just me even before we got married. But I told him I wasn't filing, just going to hear about the process.

He doesn't want to leave me...NOW. He did when he was having his EA with OW. He fantasized all the time about abandoning me and our son and running off with her. He admits now that even after I found out he was trying to think of ways to communicate with her privately where I wouldn't find out so he could get her alone.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

doubletrouble said:


> I've seen addicts go to the hospital with "issues" just to get drugs from a doctor. Sometimes they self-inflict in order to get that attention. My niece, years ago, "attempted" suicide with a butter knife on her wrist, and they put her in a ward for three days (madatory). She was a teenager at the time though...
> 
> So it does happen. Ugh. Sorry you're having to go through THAT along with all the other crap.


He didn't want any meds though. In fact, they offered him klonopin and he didn't want to take it. I feel like it was just a bluff to get me to stay.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> Then a girl he works with came up to his desk to talk to him and she was wearing a low cut dress and he thought about motorboating her.


I'm sorry distraught. I know it's not funny, but wow. Why would he tell you that?

Either there's something seriously mentally wrong with him or he is a master manipulator; trying to do anything to distract you and to avoid consequences.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Are you sure her husband actually received the documents and she didn't intercept them on his facebook? Has the husband contacted you since you sent the documents?


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

karole said:


> Are you sure her husband actually received the documents and she didn't intercept them on his facebook? Has the husband contacted you since you sent the documents?


No, I'm not sure. At this point I don't even care. She'll get caught eventually.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

badmemory said:


> I'm sorry distraught. I know it's not funny, but wow. Why would he tell you that?
> 
> Either there's something seriously mentally wrong with him or he is a master manipulator; trying to do anything to distract you and to avoid consequences.


It's funny if you're not living it every day!  

Today at lunch was, "I just remembered I never told you that the day I went to the steak house with the guys for lunch, I came back and used one of my pens to make myself throw up in the bathroom because I was trying to keep weight off to impress her (he was already 6'4" 175 lbs)... then later she came to my desk and used the same pen to doodle on my notepad (as she normally did) and I remember thinking it was like cosmic, meant to be because she used the same pen I used to make myself throw up."

Me: "Were there even any other pens on your desk for her to use?"

Him: "No."

I could not even make this sh1t up if I tried.


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## carolinadreams (Nov 30, 2012)

That's certified wackadoodle.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> It's funny if you're not living it every day!
> 
> Today at lunch was, "I just remembered I never told you that the day I went to the steak house with the guys for lunch, I came back and used one of my pens to make myself throw up in the bathroom because I was trying to keep weight off to impress her (he was already 6'4" 175 lbs)... then later she came to my desk and used the same pen to doodle on my notepad (as she normally did) and I remember thinking it was like cosmic, meant to be because she used the same pen I used to make myself throw up."
> 
> ...


It's like you're living through a Woody Allen movie, albeit a tragic one.

Finalize an exit plan distraught. Do it methodically and take your time. You need to get out of this.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

carolinadreams said:


> That's certified wackadoodle.


No joke.
Like, how did I miss all this after being with him 5 years... It makes no effing sense!


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

Oh dear......there is always that zone of over sharing from a WS. They seem to have a lack of boundaries when spilling these secrets and thoughts, I think the term is burden transfer. You both can get stuck there even when the sane BS can see its unhealthy to hear those things. 

He doesn't understand that you can't be that confidant to his diarreha of the mouth. He's only making you pull away in disgust instead of repairing the marriage. 

Have you done any reading on the chemical changes that happen to a WS going through affair withdrawal??? I'm not saying this to excuse or cut him any slack but more so you can deal with this shape shifter who has taken over your spouse. 

I am sure if one interviewed former WS and BS they would talk about what a crazy and surreal time infidelity and divorce/recovery is.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

Burden transfer! That is so accurate! What's worse is the counselor told him it was a good idea to let it go by sharing it with me, to lessen his anxiety. Now I'm the one who is a mess and trying to hide it.


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> Ahh, like this morning. I get an email saying he's been having panicky thoughts about the mental hospital. Then a girl he works with came up to his desk to talk to him and she was wearing a low cut dress and he thought about motorboating her. This is what I hear on a daily basis. I've never felt so degraded and unloved in my life. And I feel like I can't do anything about it because if I do anything but stuff it down and take it, he's going to do something crazy.


I'm late to this but if my girl was telling me she was thinking of sucking some guys pole. I would not have to worry about HER doing anything crazy because I WOULD be doing something crazy. 

You need to stop this I don't care if god told you it was okay. Thus is simple it is NOT okay for people to hurt you. When they do you tell them to stop. He does not get to hurt you because of HIS issue. In fact he does not get to hurt YOU period. You need to change counselor or sit down with them preferably with a baseball batt.


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> Burden transfer! That is so accurate! What's worse is the counselor told him it was a good idea to let it go by sharing it with me, to lessen his anxiety. Now I'm the one who is a mess and trying to hide it.


I would tag a thought bubble above his head that says bat shyte crazy. Then
I would not look at him as your husband he needs help lots of help once he gets it THEN you can decide whether he is worth being with until them treat him like that dig that stares into the distance and randomly bits people. You can pet him but don't snuggle with him.

You need to give him space make a rule that he gets IC for 60 days in that time you will not leave at the end you guys can sit down and have a discussion on whether to R or D. Right now he is to far out for either of you to decide.


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## E.McKenna (Jun 29, 2013)

I just wanted to say that I am so sorry for what you are dealing with. I know it is very painful. You are being manipulated and you and your child deserve better...I hope you will be able to move on with your life and find some peace and happiness.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

Really hate to say this but this is one of the worse, if not the worst karma story I have ever heard! Isn't this the usual broken record?..."Unfortunately, we also met at work. He was married but she had just moved out...Unfortunately, we also met at work. He was married but she had just moved out...Unfortunately, we also met at work. He was married but she had just moved out..." 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

Calibre12 said:


> Really hate to say this but this is one of the worse, if not the worst karma story I have ever heard! Isn't this the usual broken record?..."Unfortunately, we also met at work. He was married but she had just moved out...Unfortunately, we also met at work. He was married but she had just moved out...Unfortunately, we also met at work. He was married but she had just moved out..."
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Karma?? Really?? She told him she was leaving him and moved out before we even started dating. I have been a good wife. So because I got involved with someone and I didn't know the extent of his problems, this is my karma, what I DESERVE? I deserve to have a husband who has an emotional affair, wants to abandon me and his then 9 month old son, and is now either crazy or manipulating me into staying with him? Because as far as I knew when we started dating, his wife had LEFT HIM? Wow. Cool.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

Unfortunately, I don't know her side of the story nor the real truth of why they divorced. Unfortunately, I do know that you relived, to a major degree, what you and he did while he was STILL married. Except, he did it with another woman at work.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

If you really don't see the huge differences in the situations, at least on my end, I don't really know what to tell you. Except that I'm sorry you feel this is what I deserve. That's pretty spiteful and mean.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

I am not trying to be mean but I don't have a problem with your thinking that either. I reiterate, none of us know his wife's account of events that lead to their divorce.

You have to take some responsibility for your part in what has happened in your life. Healing starts right there. I understand you are trouble-shooting right now because your situation is raw. 

Despite the fact that I see it as karma and will not see it otherwise come hell or high water, I empathize with you but no sympathy here.


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

You see this every now and then where first off the word Karma means a hell of a lot more than pop culture the way you are using it is incorrect if you want we can discuss the issue and please do not give me a wiki article explaining it. To me it is a tenat of my faith that is like fractal ever expanding I have spent days in meditation over the years on just that concept. Now lets try to use terms that are relevant to this story, and lets use numbers!!!:smthumbup:

1. You see her as a cheater my guess is you were cheated on as well.

2. Lets say for arguments sake she is a cheater although he may of been separated at the time but lets say they were not so he was technically married. Good enough for me.

3. You see that since she was a cheater she deserves to be cheated on. Because equal punishment is just.

This is what I think you mean I could be wrong and if I am please elaborate I freely admit I could be wrong. Now let me outline an opposite view, again if I have misinterpreted your argument then take all this as nothing.

1. NO ONE deserves to be cheated on. The pain is massive and is likened to losing a child. Given what the damage did to you would you really wish that on someone else? Or would you rather they come to the realization on their own that their actions were wrong and to never do it again.

2. She may or may not be a cheater one thing is certain she made no vows to the mans spouse so although her actions could be attacked on a moral level she did not BETRAY anyone. She did break any vows. She did not betray anyone's love. She did not break anyone's trust. She did not rip out anyone's heart.

3. Equal punishment is a flawed idea it is a throw back to the middle ages where if a person stole a piece of bread they lost a limb even if it was feed their starving family. In your life I am sure you have done wrong if you REALLY had to pay for every damage you have done can you imagine the complete and total wreck you would be. Every hurtful comment, every slight, every damage done all to be reflected back on you, frankly no one would survive their childhood. Now lets take up the idea of punishment numerous studies have shown that punishment alone solves nothing in fact it is there only because the time and energy to actually change that behavior costs so much more. Instead at the root of punishment is that you want COMPENSATION for the wrong they have done. Her compensation that she would actually owe the other women is very low while the COST of this betrayal is AMAZINGLY high. Not to mention that this cycle would go on and on for all of eternity because now the OW owes this BS and so on and so on.


What's the point of my rambling post? That you post comes from a place of anger and pain for which I do not blame you or attack you for. But that out of this very honest place you are simplifying the posters situation and showing a lack of empathy. You have been cheated on so you know the pain. Again this was not an attack and if it comes off as such to you please let me know and I will delete it.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

No, none of us know his ex wife's "side of the story" but I do know she had moved out, refused counseling, and already told him she planned on D. I saw it for myself. The rest I trusted because I fell in love. If that gives me bad karma, then I guess a lot of people here are screwed, too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Do you think it's possible she moved out and wanted a divorce because he cheated on her (not with you -- with someone else and that was his pattern)?

It's difficult to fall in love with someone and then find out they are not who you thought they were. Most of us have been there.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

CEL said:


> You see this every now and then where first off the word Karma means a hell of a lot more than pop culture the way you are using it is incorrect if you want we can discuss the issue and please do not give me a wiki article explaining it. To me it is a tenat of my faith that is like fractal ever expanding I have spent days in meditation over the years on just that concept. Now lets try to use terms that are relevant to this story, and lets use numbers!!!:smthumbup:
> 
> 1. You see her as a cheater my guess is you were cheated on as well.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your opinion. My post comes from the place: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. You reap what you sow. FYI, None of us are here because we are having a grand merry ole time with the three musketeers. For an OW who now becomes a spouse and experiences what she dished, then turns around and asks betrayed spouses to feel sorry for and support her is, quite frankly, ludicrous. Here's what I hear: She knew what she was doing, where she was doing it, when she was doing it, how she was doing it and why she was doing it. Case closed.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

Oh, I'm an OW now. Okay. His wife LEFT HIM and was divorcing him. That's all I knew. I'm sorry you are a little blinded by bitterness, but I wish you nothing but good things in life and I hope your heart heals. I could never wish this on my greatest enemy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

Openminded said:


> Do you think it's possible she moved out and wanted a divorce because he cheated on her (not with you -- with someone else and that was his pattern)?
> 
> It's difficult to fall in love with someone and then find out they are not who you thought they were. Most of us have been there.


I think it's totally possible. Hindsight...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## notmarriedyet (Nov 10, 2012)

I think maybe the counselor meant for him to tell you specifics about the affair, not every time he has a thought about nailing someone else. 

In my mind, all men think things like that when they see a female they're attracted to, my apologies for lumping all men together - let's just say MOST men. I don't think most men would dare tell their SO about it. 

I think that's what the counselor meant, there's no way she/he could think that sort of thing could be helpful to the relationship at all! Even if it were to relieve his anxiety, to keep a journal. 
My therapist advises me to get up when I cannot sleep and write down my worries and thoughts that won't quit as a way of "purging" them from my mind. Seems something like that would be far more helpful. 

Sorry you have to deal with this. 
No one deserves it, no matter their past. 

I hope you can find the courage to leave. I don't think you will ever be able to get some of the things he's done and said out of your mind. I'm sorry to say that, it's just my opinion. 

I hope down the road you'll find yourself with someone worthy of you and you'll look back and think about why the hell you didn't leave sooner. 

Best of luck to you.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> I think it's totally possible. Hindsight...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's a difficult road you are on for sure.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

E.McKenna said:


> I just wanted to say that I am so sorry for what you are dealing with. I know it is very painful. You are being manipulated and you and your child deserve better...I hope you will be able to move on with your life and find some peace and happiness.


Thank you, I appreciate that very much.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Has he told you in his newfound honesty that he was actively planning to leave you and your child for the OW? The one who is married, if I'm not mistaken?


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> Has he told you in his newfound honesty that he was actively planning to leave you and your child for the OW? The one who is married, if I'm not mistaken?


Sort of. Like, he had no plans to because he didn't know if she would actually want to do that. But he looked up divorce options and said he saw that they would grant divorce based on abandonment, so he thought if he just up and left and we didn't know where he was that he could get a divorce. He was trying to figure out the timing of it all and where exactly he would go. He also has a coworker getting married in Mexico and he thought he could go by himself and hook up with her there and never come back. And yes, she's married and I highly doubt she has any feelings for him, or ever did.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> Oh, I'm an OW now. Okay. His wife LEFT HIM and was divorcing him. That's all I knew. I'm sorry you are a little blinded by bitterness, but I wish you nothing but good things in life and I hope your heart heals. I could never wish this on my greatest enemy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So sorry I had issues with your story regarding his ex. But your story about her departure is brief and typical...The convenient broken record. You didn't do your homework as to his marriage worthiness? Bitter is what I am called when I ask these "big girl" questions. Sometimes we are our own greatest enemy.


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

Not going to get into the judging thing here, but, it does serve as a warning to those, who, probably won't heed it anyway; never get involved with someone who is still technically married, separated or whatever, until that whole chapter in their life is closed, and then wait a while. Who knows what changes they will still go through.

My H was married very young, 19, and his wife was even younger. They got married because she got pregnant. She pretty much made sure that happened to get out of the house, etc. My H was in the army, they were stationed in TX (from PA) and he was shipping out to Vietnam when she left him, went home, and filed for divorce.

I met him a few years later when I thought that was all finished. They had been divorced but he still had a big distrust when it came to relationships. It took YEARS to where he was not suspicious and jealous and I never did one thing ever to raise his doubt, but I had to live with the fallout of their past.

It IS ironic that he became the cheater because he has said, and it is probably true, that he would have stayed with her forever even with all her faults, and there were many, but she has passed so I won't go into those.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> I think it's totally possible. Hindsight...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I believe, for your sake, it would be a good idea to contact XW to find out the "truth". You can simply ask her whether you had any role on the dismissal of their marriage and why. Take everything said with a grain of salt and talk to her without what could be interpreted as a "judgmental" aproach.

Your husband EA and bizarre plans were horrible enough. You have suspicions, find some similarities between his behavior when you started dating and now, you fear you were an unwilling OW abck then, you fear this is a pattern and were honest enough to share it with us in your first post, which is the source of the "asuming the worse"/karma aproach of some posters here. 
From my part, reading what you have been sharing here, I believe your only "sin" is maybe you didn't your homework regarding the end of his marriage. To me it's never a good idea to date someone in the middle of a/recent break up or divorce. But this is not malice, nor deceit at all. Sometimes we discovered some of our old decisions end up being dumb insight.

I say take the read pill, go to the source, XW, the one who can shine some light here (maybe not but you can try anyway).


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

Calibre12 said:


> So sorry I had issues with your story regarding his ex. But your story about her departure is brief and typical...The convenient broken record. You didn't do your homework as to his marriage worthiness? Bitter is what I am called when I ask these "big girl" questions. Sometimes we are our own greatest enemy.


Really, pray tell, what should I have done when what I was told was checking out? In my state there is a period of time before you divorce that you can't do anything, you have to wait to be granted a divorce. The story about her departure is brief because that's what it was from everything I lived and saw. What should I have done, hired a private investigator and had him take a polygraph before we got involved when I had no reason to suspect anything? I heard it from him and I heard it from her. I hope you don't live in a glass house.

Obviously knowing what I know now I would have done things differently, but wouldn't we all have? Aren't we all here because we were duped?


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

Yes. We are all here because we lived in a glass house (A house of illusions that when we entered into a marriage covenant it was permanent and serious for BOTH partners) in which the one we shared it with, threw the stones that shattered it. Only difference is in my situation, my husband and I both were each other's first marriage partners. Why do you feel it necessary to throw your stones when you are called to accountability? You, more than many of us betrayed spouses, had the unfortunate but distinct pleasure of re-living what occurred during your relationship with him while he was still married (then the situation worsened to the nth degree). That alone in and of itself is quite telling.

You know, there appears to be an immune/exempt mind-set that cheaters reserve for themselves. The belief that what they are having with someone else's husband or wife is exclusive, a bigger-than-life-itself, soul-matey, trump-cardy arrogance. Unfortunately, life has a way of disentangling all of that and serving up a big dose of something foreign called, Tadaah!...Reality.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

Calibre12 said:


> Yes. We are all here because we lived in a glass house in which the one we shared it with, threw stones that shattered it. Why do you feel it necessary to throw your stones when you are called to accountability? You, more than many of us betrayed spouses, had the unfortunate but distinct pleasure of re-living what occurred during your relationship with him while he was still married (then the situation worsened to the nth degree). That alone in and of itself is quite telling.


That's where you're just completely wrong. I already pointed out similarities, but this is not even close to being the same thing. I was not a willing participant in any kind of affair, in fact, I saw evidence for myself that his separated wife was already seeing other people and merely biding her 60 days till she could get a divorce. Yes, I should have done more homework, yes I should have done more due diligence, yes I should have done things differently but what are you trying to prove here that doesn't apply to most of the people on this forum? I was fooled. I imagine you were, too. Please don't transfer your own situation onto me.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

Acabado said:


> I believe, for your sake, it would be a good idea to contact XW to find out the "truth". You can simply ask her whether you had any role on the dismissal of their marriage and why. Take everything said with a grain of salt and talk to her without what could be interpreted as a "judgmental" aproach.
> 
> Your husband EA and bizarre plans were horrible enough. You have suspicions, find some similarities between his behavior when you started dating and now, you fear you were an unwilling OW abck then, you fear this is a pattern and were honest enough to share it with us in your first post, which is the source of the "asuming the worse"/karma aproach of some posters here.
> From my part, reading what you have been sharing here, I believe your only "sin" is maybe you didn't your homework regarding the end of his marriage. To me it's never a good idea to date someone in the middle of a/recent break up or divorce. But this is not malice, nor deceit at all. Sometimes we discovered some of our old decisions end up being dumb insight.
> ...


I have been toying with this idea myself. I've talked to her before and she never alluded to anything but "one woman's trash is another's treasure," but I was thinking about asking more direct questions. I wonder what the least awkward way to do this would be.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

PamJ said:


> Not going to get into the judging thing here, but, it does serve as a warning to those, who, probably won't heed it anyway; never get involved with someone who is still technically married, separated or whatever, until that whole chapter in their life is closed, and then wait a while. Who knows what changes they will still go through.
> 
> My H was married very young, 19, and his wife was even younger. They got married because she got pregnant. She pretty much made sure that happened to get out of the house, etc. My H was in the army, they were stationed in TX (from PA) and he was shipping out to Vietnam when she left him, went home, and filed for divorce.
> 
> ...


Totally agree.


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

I think by the time he was divorced, you were already hooked though, in love, so much less inclined to look any further. You were still in the beginning stages where everything is rosy. Hindsight only helps us to learn from our own mistakes. It never helps those who have not been there. No one learns from other's mistakes, unfortunately.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

But here it is, I am hoping you aren't planning on divorcing him now that he's proven himself to be all than and a TON (raining down with spikes) of chips, less than perfect, all you never wanted, crazy ass and all...In his inglorious glory!

Marriage is a covenant regardless of whether we knew our partner had more missing marbles than not: Remember for better for worse, in sickness and health, richer or poorer, till death do us part.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

Calibre12 said:


> But here it is, I am hoping you aren't planning on divorcing him now that he's proven himself to be all than and a TON of chips, less than perfect, all you ever wanted, crazy ass and all...In his inglorious glory!
> 
> Marriage is a covenant regardless of whether we knew our partner had more missing marbles than not: Remember for better for worse, in sickness and health, richer or poorer, till death do us part.


And my karma would be dealing with every miserable second, according to you. If I choose to remain married, I will be sure to let you know so you can be satisfied that "karma" has gotten the best of me.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Calibre12 said:


> But here it is, I am hoping you aren't planning on divorcing him now that he's proven himself to be all than and a TON (raining down with spikes) of chips, less than perfect, all you never wanted, crazy ass and all...In his inglorious glory!
> 
> Marriage is a covenant regardless of whether we knew our partner had more missing marbles than not: Remember for better for worse, in sickness and health, richer or poorer, till death do us part.


I don't buy this advice either.

distraught, feel free to divorce your cheating husband.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

Life has dished you more drama than all the Hollywood movies ever made. That being said, you seem to be someone that thrives on it and must have the last word. Did this man have children with his former wife or is that irrelevant? You state only what is necessary for you to dramatize an impression.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Calibre12 said:


> Life has dished you more drama than all the Hollywood movies ever made. That being said, you seem to be someone that thrives on it and must have the last word. Did this man have children with his former wife or is that irrelevant? You state only what is necessary for you to dramatize an impression.


So she's now an attention troll, a drama queen?

Calibre I usualy have and show respect for every member here, they don't come at their best and sure enough they didn't deserve to come to CWI but reading your post in this thread I must recoment OP to completely ignore your advice from now on.


distraught, I don't know where but there's a ignore list somewhere.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

Calibre12 said:


> Life has dished you more drama than all the Hollywood movies ever made. That being said, you seem to be someone that thrives on it and must have the last word. Did this man have children with his former wife or is that irrelevant? You state only what is necessary for you to dramatize an impression.


A) This is MY thread..what's YOUR excuse?

B) No, they did not have kids. I am not rehashing their entire relationship because I don't see the point...nor did I realize there was anyone here who would accuse me of dramatizing something by NOT giving every little detail of a relationship I was not part of...

My goodness.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

Acabado said:


> So she's now an attention troll, a drama queen?
> 
> Calibre I usualy have and show respect for every member here, they don't come at their best and sure enough they didn't deserve to come to CWI but reading your post in this thread I must recoment OP to completely ignore your advice from now on.
> 
> ...


Thank you, I think I am going to use it!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

The forum guidelines state this site is for support, not harassment.
You can disagree with a person in a respectful manner,without name calling .
Questioning someone's story, or assuming there is more to it, is pointless. We need to take at face value that what the thread writer is telling us is the truth, rather than second guess, or none of this here is worth anything.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

This does beg the question for me, though, distraught. I've followed your story from your first bewildered, hurt post to your new knowledge of your H's serious issues. How are you feeling now?

At first, you just wanted him to 'snap out of' his infatuation. You saw the OW as predatory, which from your description she certainly is. You were self-doubting and thrown off balance. Your self-confidence took a big hit. Your H held the cards in terms of who was in control emotionally.

And now we hear that your H has serious issues that you were unaware of, enough so that you are starting to truly doubt who he is.

So how do you feel about your love for him now? How do you feel about your marriage, esp. whether you really want it and want to fight for it?


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> This does beg the question for me, though, distraught. I've followed your story from your first bewildered, hurt post to your new knowledge of your H's serious issues. How are you feeling now?
> 
> At first, you just wanted him to 'snap out of' his infatuation. You saw the OW as predatory, which from your description she certainly is. You were self-doubting and thrown off balance. Your self-confidence took a big hit. Your H held the cards in terms of who was in control emotionally.
> 
> ...


My heart is not in this anymore. I feel constantly beat down every day. I feel like it's always going to be only a matter of time until it happens again. The only reason I'm still here is because of my son. (I wouldn't stay for him, but I feel the need to wait it out longer than I would have had it just been me)


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> My heart is not in this anymore. I feel constantly beat down every day. I feel like it's always going to be only a matter of time until it happens again. The only reason I'm still here is because of my son. (I wouldn't stay for him, but I feel the need to wait it out longer than I would have had it just been me)


And you don't love him anymore? If you didn't, that would be understandable. He sounds like the new open book that he is is not the person you fell in love with.

But still, do you love him?


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Distraught, 

I read YOUR thread and I found out about my husband's first infidelity when my children were young. I thought it would be better to wait until they were older or stay with their father for the sake of the family but I think things would be worse if you wait.

You are young enough to start over and not keep getting sucked into this daily drama. 

I personally don't think this marriage is workable. No party is very interested in the marriage at this point and with a young child, the stress is tripled at best.

My sister was in a similar situation and FINALLY left when her daughter was six and she is supremely happy and wished she had done it sooner. 

It sounds like maybe you are staying because of fear instead of love. You will be fine.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> So the b1tch finally quit about a week and a half ago. There has been way too much going on still though. It appears my WH is going through a mental breakdown, he's threatened suicide once the day I talked to a divorce attorney, and another day he told me he was looking up ways to kill himself.. Then started behaving erratically, then said he was doing it on purpose because he wanted attention and to go to the hospital. So I was like okay if you want to go to the hospital so badly, we're going. I'm not gonna play games with you. Well that was probably the worst experience of his life...they involuntarily transferred him to the mental hospital downtown (didn't know they wouldn't let us pick the place) that is dirty and full of homeless people. Police handcuffed him and took him there (protocol). Their ER was full so he spent the night in a warehouse looking room full of beds lined up next to each other and people next to him attacking staff and having to be restrained/sedated.
> 
> Anyway, I don't know what to do. It seems like he's so anxious about NOT thinking anything about other women that he's doing exactly the opposite, but he said he feels like he has mental Tourette's, can't control his thoughts, then has crippling anxiety about it, then has more thoughts because of the anxiety, and it cycles. Our counselor told him that telling me about it was a good way to handle it so he could relieve some of the anxiety. Cool, that's great, so he can get it off his chest but now I'm forced to handle it and I feel like I have to stuff it down so he doesn't have a breakdown.
> 
> ...


Just read this.

I am shocked.

Time to let him go his way.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Calibre12 said:


> Life has dished you more drama than all the Hollywood movies ever made. That being said, you seem to be someone that thrives on it and must have the last word. Did this man have children with his former wife or is that irrelevant? You state only what is necessary for you to dramatize an impression.


This is absolutely uncalled for. 

It is also clearly meant to be both insulting and hurtful.

Were I a mod this would be your last post ever on TAM.


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

<<This is absolutely uncalled for. 

It is also clearly meant to be both insulting and hurtful.

Were I a mod this would be your last post ever on TAM.>>

I agree, it was not in any way meant to be helpful, just hurtful and I don't know why it is still here.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

So, some of you may have noticed... I took a bit of a hiatus and am back. It was difficult for me to focus on counseling and R while I was deep in these threads of others' infidelity. We seem to be doing okay. I will be thrilled when 2013 is behind us. Can't remember if I posted that my WH stayed overnight at a mental hospital a few months after Dday. He kept trying to manipulate me (my opinion) by making himself seem unstable and suicidal so I called his bluff and took him to the hospital, where they then transferred him to a mental hospital involuntarily (didn't know they could do that without my consent, it was weird). This was not a nice facility and pretty traumatic for him. Overcrowded so all these chairs were set up in a big gym. No privacy. Good.

A few months later (beginning of August) he totaled our car, with the 3 of us in it. Thankfully, the baby was totally fine. I have a fractured tibia and knee injuries, which I have been going to PT for and am having surgery for on Halloween. He broke his collar bone, but has since healed and is fine. The accident was 110% his fault- he did not look both ways before pulling out to the middle of a highway to make a left turn. Don't even get me started on this.

And next week is our anniversary. I know he already got me something, but I am just not feeling it. But, since we are trying R, I don't want to seem hurtful or cruel. What do I do? Get him some nice present? We're already maxed out from the accident and buying a new car as it is, so I'm hoping he didn't spend a stupid amount of money trying to make some grand gesture.

I feel his attempt at R is genuine, I just don't know if things can ever be "great"again. I just feel like ever since I found out, things have been so chaotic. I mean, I am 28 years old, about to have surgery on my knee because my husband didn't pay attention. If our baby was hurt, I might have killed him on scene.

So... what to do about this anniversary business? Would it be wrong to just get a card and write something nice in it?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

You've already made a gift to him. One he doesn't deserve. So, yeah, a card and maybe a small cologne.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> You've already made a gift to him. One he doesn't deserve. So, yeah, a card and maybe a small cologne.


Thanks... my thoughts exactly. 

I forgot to mention my favorite part. OW actually texted her friend awhile back asking if he thought they would give her her job back because she didn't like her new job. After she gave no notice and quit over voicemail. That classy little girl. Obviously, the boss had a nice chuckle about that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Geez DFT, it's good to get an update, and it sounds tenuously good that you're able to try R. The accident sounds awful, although unintentional, it surely puts an extra strain on your family and relationship. I'm so glad the baby is OK, and I hope your recovery is rapid. At your age, things still heal up pretty quickly! 

As for a present, if you feel some material thing is necessary, it's difficult to suggest something because I don't know the guy, or you, or what might be a good thing. I was thinking gee, maybe a gift certificate for the driving range, but that's my inner golfer coming out. Gift certificates are pretty borderline presents though. 

So I'll turn the tables, since I was betrayed.... An earnest letter from WS, and a card, would mean a lot to me. Something from the heart, not the wallet. But again, that's just me. That's what I would want for YOU from HIM if you were me. But from you to him, yeah the card and small cologne is a great idea, and probably about all the effort you can muster at this juncture. 

Wish I could be of more help. I'm glad to hear you're OK and the baby is OK. 

Yeah sounds like OW is a real dipshlt. But we already knew that!


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Don't listen to these hostile posters

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

Hi DFT, I was just wondering how you were doing and then I saw your post on the Rosie thread.
Sorry to hear about your accident and injuries and your ambivalence regarding your R and anniversary.
Was your WH upset with you when you took him to the hospital?
I also think the card is fine. I would probably say something about appreciating his seemingly genuine attempt at R.
I had a really hard time finding an anniversary card this year. There just wasn't one that didn't seem totally phony to me considering we were only 3 months into R. I don't usually go with the long winded schmaltzy ones anyway, but none seemed to fit my feelings. I finally picked one of those 'funny' ones that basically said he was lucky to have me, only I wasn't joking.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> Don't listen to these hostile posters
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


Thanks. It appears one is gone. Which is good because I certainly don't feel hateful and venomous. Just angry and frustrated at the situation. Rightfully so, I believe. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

PamJ said:


> Hi DFT, I was just wondering how you were doing and then I saw your post on the Rosie thread.
> Sorry to hear about your accident and injuries and your ambivalence regarding your R and anniversary.
> Was your WH upset with you when you took him to the hospital?
> I also think the card is fine. I would probably say something about appreciating his seemingly genuine attempt at R.
> I had a really hard time finding an anniversary card this year. There just wasn't one that didn't seem totally phony to me considering we were only 3 months into R. I don't usually go with the long winded schmaltzy ones anyway, but none seemed to fit my feelings. I finally picked one of those 'funny' ones that basically said he was lucky to have me, only I wasn't joking.


LOL-he IS lucky to have to you, I'm glad you told him so! I am glad you can relate though, I am trying to R so obviously I care about him and love him, it just still feels awkward thinking about celebrating our anniversary.

He said he felt angry at me while he was there overnight for a little while but then reminded himself that it was his own fault. He has never been outwardly cross with me about it though, always just apologetic and embarrassed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

distraughtfromtexas said:


> So the b1tch finally quit about a week and a half ago. There has been way too much going on still though. It appears my WH is going through a mental breakdown, he's threatened suicide once the day I talked to a divorce attorney, and another day he told me he was looking up ways to kill himself.. Then started behaving erratically, then said he was doing it on purpose because he wanted attention and to go to the hospital. So I was like okay if you want to go to the hospital so badly, we're going. I'm not gonna play games with you. Well that was probably the worst experience of his life...they involuntarily transferred him to the mental hospital downtown (didn't know they wouldn't let us pick the place) that is dirty and full of homeless people. Police handcuffed him and took him there (protocol). Their ER was full so he spent the night in a warehouse looking room full of beds lined up next to each other and people next to him attacking staff and having to be restrained/sedated.
> 
> Anyway, I don't know what to do. It seems like he's so anxious about NOT thinking anything about other women that he's doing exactly the opposite, but he said he feels like he has mental Tourette's, can't control his thoughts, then has crippling anxiety about it, then has more thoughts because of the anxiety, and it cycles. Our counselor told him that telling me about it was a good way to handle it so he could relieve some of the anxiety. Cool, that's great, so he can get it off his chest but now I'm forced to handle it and I feel like I have to stuff it down so he doesn't have a breakdown.
> 
> ...


When people get worked up into an emotional frenzy they start acting out for attention, but in that process can actually ramp up their emotional state so that what once was originally a cry for attention has become an actual emotional crisis. 

In short they perform actions during the cry for attention that cause them to realize they have created a tipping point in their lives. They are then forced to try and cope with the additional emotional pressure they created while they are already in a fragile state. At this point they get stuck in a downward spiral that can only be broken by major action or intervention.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

The resentment over the accident(and its consequences) might poison your relationship with him. Watch out if you intend to reconcile.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> The resentment over the accident(and its consequences) might poison your relationship with him. Watch out if you intend to reconcile.


I am trying to monitor myself with that, but I just don't know how to get over it, you know?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

Like PamJ, I had to go with a funny anniversary card. Nothing else is appropriate while you're still in the first year after D-Day. No gift from me, but he bought me flowers and a couple of cards (he also went with funny ones). And we went out to dinner, but nothing fancy. 

I was one who used to get cards with messages about what a "wonderful husband you are" and "my life is so much better since you came into it" but that kind of stuff isn't true - not right now, not while my heart is still recovering from being broken.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You've gone through a lot.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

So how did the anniversary thing work out, DFT? Unless I'm early with this question....


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