# In a shelter



## JazzTango2Step (Apr 4, 2011)

I posted a couple months ago about infedelity and how my husband wanted a divorce. I didn't know why because I was trying to get past the fact that he cheated on me 2 months after we got married.

Turned out that he was cheating on me again, and I left him. I packed up my things (left him his stuff), the baby's things, and went to my dads. I almost filed for divorce right then and there, but my husband sweet talked me back in.

Things got so much worse after that. I never put much thought to it before, but things started to come together now. He used to punch holes on the wall, and punch my knees and make them swell up and bruise. He used to restrain me and leave handprint bruises, but I never said anything. We used to move a lot, and it occured to me that everytime I would get a job and make friends, we would move again. I didn't think (or didn't want to think) that I was actually suffering from domestic violence.

When I got back with my husband, he said things were going to be better, but they were only worse. I was planning on leaving me again, and thats when the brake line in my car mysteriously busted and the phone charger in my car had gone missing so I couldn't keep my phone charged to call for help. He also took the bank card away from me and all my money so I couldn't leave, and threatened to kill me and my animals.

I went to the police and they did nothing. I called my dad and he told me that my husband had told him a totally different story (I guess my husband was talking to him for a while without my knowledge), and that he wouldn't help me. Afraid of meeting my husband when I came home, my friend bought me and the baby a plane ticket and flew us to her house for safety.

I tried to get a restraining order but outside of my state, I had no jurisdiction. He got a temporary custody order and took the baby away from me. He knew if he took the baby, I would follow him back. He filed for divorce because he couldn't go about getting the custody order without it. I'm ok with the divorce, I think. I'll have to be, because even though my heart aches, I need to believe my head and stay away from him.

So now I'm at a battered woman's shelter. My husband has my daughter. I have no job and in the area where I'm at, I have no friends. Of course I'll fight the custody order and I won't stop fighting until I get my baby back, but I feel so god-awful alone. I can't speak with my father...he and my husband still talk and he's already helped my husband out and witheld important information from me regarding the situation. I can't go anywhere...to see my friends or my family, because I have to stay here to get my daughter back.

I know people are here to help me, but I'm lonely...and alone. Its horrible. I'm trying to cling on to my strength but its becoming so very hard to try.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

New friends can be made, starting tomorrow even if one isn't around tonight.

I don't know your dad or yor relationship, but won't he listen at all to your pleas? Why is he no believing you? What does he tell you that you should do?

Does the shelter have any couselors to help find you a job, even a coffee shop would help some.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JazzTango2Step (Apr 4, 2011)

My husband told my father that I was on high doses of medication to keep me sane and predictable, and that I refused to take them, which isn't true. I started antidepressants when he cheated on me the second time, and I requested them as a mood booster to help me get through. I was on 20 mgs and had hardly been on them long enough for them to actually work.

This is what he told the judge as well to get the custody order. He told the judge that I was extremely bipolar and on high doses of medication to control it, and I refused to take it...which is why I took the baby and disappeared. 

The horrible part is that my father knew before the fact that he had gotten a custody order for my daughter, and he never told me. He knew what was going to happen and never brought it up, and convinced me that he hadn't spoken to my husband in weeks. It was all a lie.

Other than what I know about the false statements of medication, I have no idea what he's been telling him. I refuse to speak to my father now, and he wouldn't tell me the truth anyways. I also don't want him to tip off my husband about what I'm doing, where I'm at and what I plan to do. He doesn't tell me to do anything, he doesn't want in on the situation, even though he already is.

I did go down to the temp service today to put in an application. I hope they find a job for me soon.

I know it's stupid, but I think I miss my husband. I can't figure out why, because my head is very logical and stubborn in the fact that I shouldn't be with him, but my heart hurts because I'm not.


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## RunningOnEmpty (Aug 29, 2010)

You need to get legal counsel right away.

You need help, otherwise you may lose your custody fight.


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## JazzTango2Step (Apr 4, 2011)

I do have legal councel...I think. Again, I have no money so I'm depending on the state legal services. They know my case and are in the process of approving it with the higher-ups to see if its a case they want to take on. I'm crossing my fingers, theres not much time left before the court date.


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## cyan (Dec 4, 2011)

I'm so sorry for what you've gone through but commend you on taking steps to keep yourself safe. You'll get through this. Really, you will.

There's a misconception out there that once you leave an abuser you are happy to be done with him and you just move on. That's completely untrue! You are going through a loss, not only the loss of your husband and marriage, but your daughter and father, too. It's all normal, girlfriend, so don't beat yourself up for those feelings.

I suggest you check out the book, "It's My Life Now: Starting Over After an Abusive Relationship or Domestic Violence." There's a chapter specifically related to grieving the loss of your abusive partner. Amazon.com: It's My Life Now: Starting Over After an Abusive Relationship or Domestic Violence, 2nd Edition (9780415953252): Meg Kennedy Dugan, Roger R. Hock: Books

I also suggest you check into Lundy Bancroft's book, "When Dad Hurts Mom: Helping Your Children Heal the Wounds of Witnessing Abuse." I don't know how old your daughter is but this will be of help when you get her back. There are also chapters devoted to getting through the legal system, so please check it out. Amazon.com: When Dad Hurts Mom: Helping Your Children Heal the Wounds of Witnessing Abuse (9780425200315): Lundy Bancroft: Books. 




JazzTango2Step said:


> I know it's stupid, but I think I miss my husband. I can't figure out why, because my head is very logical and stubborn in the fact that I shouldn't be with him, but my heart hurts because I'm not.


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## RunningOnEmpty (Aug 29, 2010)

JazzTango2Step said:


> I do have legal councel...I think. Again, I have no money so I'm depending on the state legal services. They know my case and are in the process of approving it with the higher-ups to see if its a case they want to take on. I'm crossing my fingers, theres not much time left before the court date.


While you are waiting for this to happen, take action. Find other free resources in your area. Find support groups, get informed.

How are you going to prove that your H's allegations of you having an addiction problem are false? Do you have any proof of your H's abuse? Do you have a list of dates when this happened? Did you ever go to the hospital? Did you ever reported it to the police?

Why should the judge give you your daughter back? Document it.

Were you the primary caregiver for your child? Document it. Get statements from teachers, doctors, etc.

How do you see the parenting schedule working with your H's after divorce? Is he going for full custody? Are you? What are your expectations?

If you go in front of a judge, you must have evidence that you are right. Otherwise... you and your daughter will lose.


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## JazzTango2Step (Apr 4, 2011)

I don't have an addiction problem, he's claiming that I'm bipolar and that I refused to take my medication. I've never been diagnosed as bipolar and am not on any sort of bipolar medication. I've requested my medical records for the past 5 years (during the time where I've been with my husband) to show that nowhere in my file does it say bipolar, and also nowhere does it say bipolar medication, and it will prove that I am on a low dosage of antidepressants only.

I do have pictures of the bruises he left on me the last time, right before I left him. So I have those, however I have no police records because when I did go to the police, they wouldn't take down a report for me. Also, I've never been to the hospital.

I was the primary caregiver of the child since the day she was born. When the baby was 3 months old, my husband left us for 4 months (he was my boyfriend back then) and I went through the courts for legal custody of the child. I was awarded legal custody and he obtained visitation. My child doesn't go to school yet, but I am getting statements from friends for my favor. How would I go about getting a doctor statement? 

I have no idea what to expect beyond the divorce. I do think that I should be able to get primary custudy and himself, visitation, just like we had before. He doesn't want to raise her. My daughter is actually staying with her grandmother and is being raised by her grandmother, not her father. I will be going for full custody, but I'm sure he will fight me for it even though he has no intention of raising her.


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## JazzTango2Step (Apr 4, 2011)

Cyan, I will check into those books. Thanks for the references.

I did call my older sister today and unfortunately, she has also stepped up on my husband's side of things. She says I'm not a good mother because my daughter, who is 2, doesn't talk the way she needs to at this age.

I had actually taken my daughter to a doctor when she was 1 because I thought her speaking was delayed, and the doctor told me that kids develop their speach differently and to relax, it'll come. She tested negative for autism and passed her hearing test just fine. 

I thought she was doing fine with talking because she was putting together sentences fairly well and she's just 2, but I guess I'm a bad mother because she isn't where my sister thinks she needs to be.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

If your sister is making statements like that and has apparently sided with your ex and your father, then I'd order your daughter's medical records as well. They might show that you are the one that always took her to the appointments (I don't know if it would be a part of the charting, or if the payment records would show your name on the check or receipt copy?) But it would certainly show that you followed up on all the recommended well-child visits and addressed illness and concerns as they arose.


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## JazzTango2Step (Apr 4, 2011)

A good update  

I called a mental health wellness center today and they put me in an appointment for this Friday to do a mental health exam so I could take it to court and prove that I am mentally stable, like I know I am!

I will call my daughter's doctor and see if they have anywhere in my files that I was the one who took her for her visits. I hope they do.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

JazzTango2Step said:


> A good update
> 
> I called a mental health wellness center today and they put me in an appointment for this Friday to do a mental health exam so I could take it to court and prove that I am mentally stable, like I know I am!
> 
> I will call my daughter's doctor and see if they have anywhere in my files that I was the one who took her for her visits. I hope they do.


That is a good update!

And even if there isn't anything in the charts that says "mother reports child has fever of xxx" or whatever...get the records anyway. It will show that they said she's developmentally on target all the way, that she's been cared for well. Even if they say that was by both parents, clearly she has never been neglected while you were in the home. He can't say that he was doing all of that while he didn't even have custody!

Also, do you have any records of his visitations while you had legal custody? Did he make every single visit? Did he blow them off? Return her late? Bring her back with dirty diapers, not fed, etc.? You can always have that kind of information on hand as well, even if it's just you thinking back and writing it all down as best you remember so that you're not standing in court hemming and hawing. Even a wild ass guess looks better if it comes off a typed sheet of paper that you're referring to. It helps you look calm, collected and sane....and pisses him off


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## HelloooNurse (Apr 12, 2010)

Good stuff!

Those shelters are a god send. Make sure you take advantage of all their resources - they are there to help you! They can assist with getting you housing that you can afford - sometimes it takes a while but its well worth the wait! They have networks of agencies so they may be able to just "call someone" and arrange for housing, assistance with getting work, childcare, legal aid, the works!! Make sure you ask about all of these things. Next thing you know, you will have your own "home base" set up and you wont even NEED to see your husband anymore - you will have your own life, just you and baby.  there are a lot of DV resources out there that nobody ever hears about until they are actually IN that situation - get to it!!


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