# Emotional and/or physical abuse? Handling Insecurities of Another Well?



## JustTooMuch (May 21, 2010)

Okay, this is a 15+yr. marriage that has included an underlying current of emotional/physical abuse from an intelligent and caring person.

In an effort to make this short, I am looking for guidance or feedback on how I can better cope, evaluate the significance of these problems, and make a decision on how to finally rid of the continual conflict I feel.

Grew up in a modest rural town with fond memories of childhood with no awareness of family/marriage strife. Frankly, I have asked my 4 other siblings about their memories and each of them can not recall a significant negative marital event of our folks that affected their lives. It was, quite the place to be for a family of 7.

This experience is quite different from what my wife had. Grandparents hardly said a word to one-another. Frankly, they frequently argued (violently) in front of others and admittedly hated eachother. Parents same situation....including an abusive father. It seems they lived the full spectrum of emotions with no consistent level of norm.

The problem(s). Unrealistic expectations of others, verbal abuse, physical (abuse?)....basic.

I witnessed the most shocking thing in my life. My wife has a drug addict brother that is being cared/enabled for by mom. We have been making every effort to compassionately attempt to remove mom from this unsafe situation. This 70 yr. old mother is understandably very torn about her only son. The escalation of an argument my wife had with her mom about how she needed to get a grip on things began with raised voices and unbelievable swearing and emotional charge.....you just don't start conversations with f*%^ words and expect it to be good. After getting through the shock of this escalating mess, I did my best to get in the middle to ask each of them to please calm down and stop the language as we have a kid in the house. However, no luck....it was unbelievable! Stopping short of driving through and just bending/breaking my garage door to leave, mom left to not heard from since.

I felt the need to immediately get to my daughter and make sure she was okay after seeing/hearing her mother and grandmother say words like this in such an emotionally charged way. She was certainly affected, but as a teenager, didn't know how to handle it. I could have been better myself, it probably didn't help with me having tears in my eyes and noticably shaking while trying to explain that people should never talk to one-another that way. 

There has not been one conversation about this incident in the subsequent weeks. I have attempted, but nothing. When I have asked to talk about it and how massively affecting it was to me, my wife will leave the room. Initially, she was thinking that I was trying to help to make her feel better, but when I began to explain that I was not handling this violent blowup between her and her mother well, I got pushed out. She felt I should be focused on helping her cope with it. She was the first to start the escalation of that mess and did not respond at all when I asked them to both cool it.

Needless to say, this family has been at each other one way or another since I have known them. They don't seem to have the skills or the ability to learn them about how to appropriately manage any situation, especially stressful ones!

This is the last of many similar situations over the years. This verbal violence she and her mother had has been similar to how she may have talked to me. Okay, I know that this is unacceptable, but what is next? Believe me every time this would happen, I would say it is the last.

I am wondering if this is the last one I need to ever experience?


----------



## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

I dunno JustTooMuch, I'll be brutally honest here I don't understand your reaction and so I don't have a basis to work here. While what your wife and mother did was NOT okay, to me it doesn't warrant the reaction you are having. 

It seems to me like you were raised in a Mayberry type atmosphere, and you were never exposed to the other side of life. Because of that, you are not equipped to understand or process it. In a way I envy the fact that you got along this long without having to see/experience anything worse then this.

I'm honestly not sure what to tell you here because I am at a loss as to how you have been able to live life this long without being exposed to it....


----------



## JustTooMuch (May 21, 2010)

Thanks for your comments. By posting on this forum, I am expecting the feedback and guidance. I appreciate it.

So, you agree, these responses my wife and her mother had were NOT okay. That I get. Do you think that this argument they had needs to be resolved? Her mother? Apologies? 

I have had it. Would you consider this an example of anger/rage? I have been a recipient of this anger/rage for years. And it manifests itself verbally and physically. 

Look I wanted to share with you my perspective of where I came from in an effort to describe the difference in the background and how our behaviors are influenced. Its not that I haven't seen unbelievable behaviors like this! But being raised in a stable environment like Mayberry does mean that these very highly charged emotional arguments rarely occur with me and my family or friends. 

Are you saying that this is something that many people in strong relationships are doing or exposed to? And thus, a reaction like mine is unwarranted?


----------

