# Oral and rarely PIV



## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

I'm so frustrated  I posted about this before but nothing has changed really and I need some help in what direction I should be going.

I had a baby 6 months ago. Before and during pregnacy we had PIV sex ALL the time and oral quite a lot as well. (when I say oral I mean BJ's for him because I hate oral being done on me) Since the baby the majority of our sex has been oral. I have told him over and over and over that I want PIV sex. Here are his explanation for wanting oral all the time instead of PIV in order from the last six months:


I don't want you to get pregnant
You are just amazing at it
I just LOVE oral
You never initiate so when I do I want oral
Your self esteem problems are turning me off. I'm afraid to touch you in fear of touching you in the wrong place/wrong way and upsetting you or making you self conscious. I don't have to worry about that when we just do oral.
You never initiate

I don't know what to do. I've started denying giving him oral. The first time he didn't believe me and kept undressing and I left him there half naked without touching him at all. Then the next day he insisted on having PIV but in the shower. I HATE shower sex, it is so uncomfortable. So we eventually just did it in the bed but during foreplay he kept telling me that he couldn't put it in because he would finish as soon as he did. As soon as he did...yep done. Not my idea of fulfilling PIV sex. 

Then this morning in the car he again asked me to give him oral. Two nights ago we did oral so I told him no. He said that I should have initiated last night. To which I told him I want him to want to have sex with me. PIV sex. Me initiating doesn't make me feel wanted. It makes him feel wanted. Not what I've been looking for and missing.

God this stuff just makes me cry. I feel so unwanted. Yeah I have 10-15 pounds of baby weight still to lose and I'm working on it. He swears it has nothing to do with that, he is attracted to me. I don't know where to go from here. I feel like I'm begging him to have sex with me and it feels horrible. I just want to give up and go to bed each night rolled over away from him. But then I don't know if that is counterproductive. Do I just keep denying, do I initiate even though that doesn't seem like it will fulfill what I really want (which is to feel desired)? I just don't know where to go from here. Sorry if this is too long.


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## eddy.mitchell (Dec 3, 2012)

Soifon said:


> As soon as he did...yep done. Not my idea of fulfilling PIV sex.


This looks like premature or uncontrollable ejaculation.



Soifon said:


> Then this morning in the car he again asked me to give him oral.


Check if he doesn't watch porn, which may explain why he would avoid PIV and building up a fixation on oral.


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

eddy.mitchell said:


> This looks like premature or uncontrollable ejaculation.
> 
> 
> 
> Check if he doesn't watch porn, which may explain why he would avoid PIV and building up a fixation on oral.


He does have issue with premature ejaculation. For awhile we used condoms all the time to help him last longer. He also says that he can last longer with oral.

He does watch porn. Not excessively, maybe once a week or once every two weeks. I did see some on his phone last night and asked him about it in a joking way to which he pointed out that he was watching bj's (I guess to prove a point that it isn't me he just likes them that much idk). He has also said in the past that he "always plans on starting with a bj and then finishing with sex like they do in porn but can never seem to get to the sex part before finishing and it feels too good to stop and switch to sex."


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Tell him no more BJs until you get PIV.

If he has trouble with PE, have you thought of asking him to go for two rounds? One BJ, one PIV? 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lovemylife (Feb 13, 2012)

Might also try a c*ck ring to help him last a while longer.

What birth control are you using? (since he is concerned about getting pregnant)


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Soifon said:


> I don't know what to do.


Let me help you with that.



Soifon said:


> I don't want you to get pregnant
> You are just amazing at it
> I just LOVE oral
> You never initiate so when I do I want oral
> ...


I suggest that you:


Get on birth control
Start initiating with what YOU want.
Work on your self esteem so that he doesn't feel like he's walking on eggshells when he touches you.
Initiate.

I didn't address #2 or #3. Don't change a thing there.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Your husband has proposed a rule that, if he initiates, he gets what he wants, and if you initiate, you get what you want. That seems reasonable.



> Me initiating doesn't make me feel wanted. It makes him feel wanted. Not what I've been looking for and missing.


I understand. But your husband seems to be saying the same thing. Why don't you both try initiating at different times?



> I don't know where to go from here.


You could try initiating. Go to him tonight and tell him you want PIV. If he gives you what you want, then problem solved.



> I just want to give up and go to bed each night rolled over away from him. But then I don't know if that is counterproductive. Do I just keep denying, do I initiate even though that doesn't seem like it will fulfill what I really want (which is to feel desired)? I just don't know where to go from here. Sorry if this is too long.


Denial of sex and other forms of overt manipulation are counterproductive. You're saying you want your husband to desire you, but you're trying to threaten him into compliance. That's not sexy.

Try to give him what he's asking for, via initiating. Then, when you ask for reciprocation, it will be a much more loving conversation.

Good luck.


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

Thanks everyone. I will try initiating tonight and see how it goes. I have been on birth control. He was initially just untrusting of it (he was on edge since our son wasn't planned) but he hasn't mentioned it in a couple months. I'm working on my self esteem and I do know that I've been annoying about it. I'm just still working on the post baby body issues. I'm feeling better as I continue to lose the weight though.

I guess it seems reasonable to have that set up but at some point I would like to just be taken ya know? Oh well, baby steps I guess.


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

lovemylife said:


> Might also try a c*ck ring to help him last a while longer.


How does this help? I don't know anything about them, I guess I always assumed they were to enhance stimulation.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Soifon said:


> How does this help? I don't know anything about them, I guess I always assumed they were to enhance stimulation.


They cut off the blood flow and trap it, which keeps him hard while it's on. It's like a tourniquet so don't use for more than 20 minutes or very bad things could happen.


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> They cut off the blood flow and trap it, which keeps him hard while it's on. It's like a tourniquet so don't use for more than 20 minutes or very bad things could happen.


Well you learn something new everyday lol! I had no idea, we may have to try that. The only times he lasts longer than a few minutes without long pauses is if he has been drinking.


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## Lionlady (Sep 12, 2012)

Soifon said:


> Well you learn something new everyday lol! I had no idea, we may have to try that. The only times he lasts longer than a few minutes without long pauses is if he has been drinking.


What is his refractory period like? Could you give him a blow job, wait a bit and then do PIV? That could also help with the premature ejaculation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

Lionlady said:


> What is his refractory period like? Could you give him a blow job, wait a bit and then do PIV? That could also help with the premature ejaculation.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He always suggests this but after he finishes the first time we never get around to the second. It isn't like he can be ready again within 10 min. Hours later we have and he can last much much longer but that doesn't happen often. Most of our opportunities are at night and we just don't stay up for a second round.


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## IndiaInk (Jun 13, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> Your husband has proposed a rule that, if he initiates, he gets what he wants, and if you initiate, you get what you want. That seems reasonable.


I gotta disagree.

She has a right to be unhappy if ALL her husband ever wants from her are BJs.

That's reflective of a problem. 

See, I overwhelmingly side with the men in sexless marriage issues...but that's predicated on a belief that sex=love to men...and that rejection is very unloving.

But a *constant and singular* desire to be serviced orally is not about mutually 'making love'...or expressing one's love for one's spouse through sex.

Their spouse's willingness to indulge them in their desire certainly is *gratifying for the receive*r...and could doubtless make them _feel loved_...and I'm not saying _making them loved_ (through oral) is the concern


But when your spouse tells you _"I would like you to make me feel desired...and for me that would entail you initiating intercourse with me...not just asking me to blow you..and not ME having to ask you for it"_

Well..a loving spouse (man or woman) in a healthy marriage should *want to oblige*....should *desire* to make their *beloved *feel *desired*. Right??

If they don't, there's an issue.

What you have here, seems to be some unhealthy power play between you both...if he gives into what you want, "you win".

And to the extent that any of this:

_
Denial of sex and other forms of overt manipulation are counterproductive. You're saying you want your husband to desire you, but you're trying to threaten him into compliance. That's not sexy._

Is operating in you...well....that's a problem on you part...so some self-reflection is in order.

But based soley on the information I've read in your OP a...I think you have a legitimate grievance


Also, I tried to keep my post more diplomatic and politically correct..but FWIW...I actually think if a man ONLY ever wants oral from you and NEVER PIV...that's in general a bad sign indicating a lack of respect....

as a rule men's sexual behavior with women they respect vs women they don't is distinct...it's more *giving* in the former case, and more *taking* in the latter. (Blow jobs are taking...and that's fine sometimes, but problematic if chronic) 

The same is totally true with women too regarding men they respect vs those they don't, it just tends to be more a matter of a willingness to engage in sex period. Or not...


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Did your husband actually watch your birth? I have heard of men who get totally turned off to sex with their wife after seeing a baby come out of "down there".


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

lovemylife said:


> Might also try a c*ck ring to help him last a while longer.
> 
> What birth control are you using? (since he is concerned about getting pregnant)


:iagree:


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

Soifon said:


> He does have issue with premature ejaculation.


^ This



Soifon said:


> He also says that he can last longer with oral.


^ And this

Seems to me your man is insecure about premature ejaculation so he's gravitating towards anything that typically helps him last longer. I'm willing to bet having sex in the shower also has something to do with that... perhaps the water or simply the stand-up position being not as comfortable help make it more difficult for him to get off so easily, so that's why he prefers those methods.

I can truly understand how all of this is so frustrating for you, but honestly, getting mad at him and making him feel bad about struggling with premature ejaculation is not going to do anything to build a strong relationship with each other... anger and resentment just drive a wedge between you and start to slowly erode your relationship.

What you both need to do is be supportive of each other's needs... you need to help come up with ideas that work around the premature ejaculation issue and he needs to make a serious effort to start giving you PIV sex as you so rightfully deserve and stop making excuses not to.



Soifon said:


> It isn't like he can be ready again within 10 min. Hours later we have and he can last much much longer but that doesn't happen often.


^ This is a key observation which I believe is a good starting point on how to build a workaround remedy for the premature issue. You need to somehow build in a schedule for sex in your daily routine so there's an awareness from both of you that sex is expected on any given night... then it allows your guy to masturbate a few hours earlier that day and get it out of his system, so later that night he's had enough time to recharge so he can get hard again but no so long that he's going to cum quickly again.

For premature ejaculation, you need a system. Sometimes he gets his oral and sometimes you get your PIV... maybe you both won't ever be able to get it the same day so it might have to alternate... but as long as you're communicating and working this schedule together with clear expectation it can work.

Just be supportive of each other in the process and not write off each others' needs as unimportant... that leads to misunderstanding which leads to anger which leads to resentment... The big downward spiral.


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

Thanks Bottled, I have considered that being a factor but it isn't something we have ever really discussed. I've never brought it up because I don't want to embarrass him or make him uncomfortable.

3X - yes and no. I had a c-section and he has a fascination with blood and gore so he did watch the entire thing. But he isn't grossed out easily and has no problems with it.

India - I totally get what you are saying and if this had been the case from the beginning of our relationship I would agree but this has only been going on for 6 months. And in every other way he goes above and beyond to show how much he loves and respects me. He would do anything for me.

So yesterday I felt bad after PHT pointed out that denying him isn't the right way to go. So when I picked him up from work I did initiate in the car and gave him what he wanted that morning.  And then last night he reciprocated and initiated giving me what I wanted without me having to say anything. So I'm hopeful that he's starting to see that I do want him to be happy and try to make it happen and he will do the same. IDK, I'll just step up on my part with initiating and see if that just has an overall effect on making this better.


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## Lionlady (Sep 12, 2012)

This is a little off topic, but have ever tried edging to help with the PE?


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Soifon - I think you have found the 'key'. SOMEONE has to be willing to take the first step. You did, it paid off. 

I really think you should allow yourself to have him give you oral. And I know you're tired (what mother isn't?) but oral then PIV could be a way to have a very satisfying sex life. Or if you let HIM give you oral while he masturbates, then go for the second round of PIV where he'll last longer could be a great way to have a fulfilling romp. 

Yes, you will be a little more tired and might rather sleep at the time, but that happy "I've got a great secret" feeling the next day will be your pay off.

I agree with the others who say he is probably very self conscious of his PE coupled with fear of pregnancy. Both of those are very fixable.


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

Yeah I think I will continue on that route. I'll initiate and/or try to give him oral earlier and then try for a second round later for PIV. We'll see how it goes.

I hate receiving oral and he hates doing it lol. So we just skip that altogether. He does use toys or plays with me while he gets oral so it isn't like he just lays back and then goes to sleep when he's done. He does want me to enjoy it too.

And yes being a mom is hard  I've been so tired between my 6 year old waking up 5 times a night and then the baby waking up it's exhausting! But I just have to push through and catch up on sleep on the weekend  Yay it's Friday!!!

Lion - We haven't really tried edging. Maybe once or twice just based on trying to get him off the plateau but it wasn't a conscious effort to practice edging. Maybe we should put more focus on that. I'll bring it up to him. I mentioned the c*ck ring last night and I think he would try it. He certainly knew what it was for and then started rambling on about all of the different types...but was sure to tell me he has never actually used one haha.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

Hi Soifon, your husband sounds similar to mine in that he can last as long as I want him to from a BJ, but only 2-3 minutes, if that long (sometimes just seconds) from PIV sex. I guess that's why they like BJ's. Mine has never asked for a BJ, though. It sounds like your husband thinks he has it coming to him, like dinner, so he asks for it. I don't like the sound of his entitlement to a BJ.

It sounds like you started initiating, which is good, but I don't think your mindset is right, that if you initiate you don't feel wanted. Maybe that is a self esteem thing. I think it should be 50/50 although I'd guess that men typically initiate more than women.

I think, if you want more PIV sex, there's nothing wrong with getting it when you initiate. It's a good start. Then maybe when he initiates it will be part of the repertoire.


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## IndiaInk (Jun 13, 2012)

Soifon said:


> India - I totally get what you are saying and if this had been the case from the beginning of our relationship I would agree but this has only been going on for 6 months. And in every other way he goes above and beyond to show how much he loves and respects me. He would do anything for me.


Yeah, no. I totally retract what I wrote earlier..somehow I missed the PE stuff that you mentioned later...and just going off your OP it 'read' to me like a 'power-trip'/competition/respect issue.

But now that I know that other issue at play here..., I think Bottled hit the 'right nail' nicely on the head in your case...and I can't really think of anything else (helpful) to offer...

So... I think I'll just wish you well


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