# my wife wants to seperate due to my unfaithfulness to her



## Darwish (Mar 17, 2010)

I have been married for five years and we have been together for eleven years. All thru my relationship I have lied about a lot of stuff to my wife. I admit Ive got myself into stupid situations with other females and friends. And have lied to my wife about all of them. I want to be a better person for myself and my family. Within last few years I have really felt comfortable with our relationship. I had been telling my wife every detail about what had been going on in my life. But because of the trust factor that I had messed up she has never gotten over the past issues and doesn't know if she can.I know I've pushed her to this decision from my lying and making her feel bad for questioning me. My wife is the best thing I have in my life I. Don't want her to leave. She has problems with expressing her feelings. I was really surprised when all of a sudden she wanted to separate. We have a great relationship. She is my best friend. I don't want to lose her. We have to small children and I don't want to split us up. I want to work it out. She says she has a problem communicating with me and is seeing a counselor. She also is going to groups for co dependency. I am all so seeing a counselor. Any help would be much appreciated.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## vibrant13 (Mar 17, 2010)

Darwish, this sounds like it could be written from MY husband. 

From the wife's perspective:
Every person has their own threshold for what they can and will put up with. The counseling is and group is fantastic thing for her, it may not always work in YOUR favor though. The counseling and group may be exactly what she needed for herself. That being said it may have given her the strength and clarity she needed to really look at the entire situation. 

Once trust has been so deeply violated repeatedly it's very difficult to EVER establish it again and from the sounds of your post the damage had been done a long time ago and sometimes the depression and hurt won't go away to matter what YOU do.

Sorry for being so blunt, but it's the truth.

Good luck


----------



## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

If you want it to work, continue to be honest, don't REPEAT your mistakes and be very patient and loving. If you are lucky, this might work.

Pushing, prodding, bullying, yelling, crying, screaming, begging - none of the things you are probably wanting to do right now will work.

Be consistently honest and continue your own therapy.

Good luck.


----------



## Darwish (Mar 17, 2010)

Thank you all for the posts. My wife and I are trying to be smart about the whole thing but we have a huge love for each other. Getting over the trust and the constant reminder of it has been difficult. When we are at home we get to hang out do things together. Just like a couple would do. This weekend we are going to be doing a couple of projects together. When we spend more time together you can tell the connection grows a little every second. She is planning to move out mid april to an apartment. I dread that day. I have woken up to her for several years. For her not to be there is going to be crushing.!


----------



## wannabewife (Nov 17, 2009)

I just seperated from my boyfriend of 9 years. We went to counseling, and tried everything but he just could not change. 

If you are really wanting to save this you need to be committed 100% - EVEN on HER bad days.....


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What does SHE need out of life? Are you providing it?


----------



## Darwish (Mar 17, 2010)

We have a great life together family trips, kids, house, and we both make a good living. I buy her gifts surprise her on special occasions. i guess its hard explaining our whole story.five years ago i got involved with different women. nothing sexual just starting to get way to friendly hanging lying. never alone always in agroup. but it was appriate. texting sending pictures all things i consider cheating. just never thought it was going anywhere. wife has a hard time opening up her feelings showing she cares guess this is where these women fell into place. Not trying to say what i did was right i guess just saying what i think. after my wife found about these women. all hell broke lose. she wanted a divorce five years ago. she says i talked her into staying together. Of coarse i lied and down played the situation .they never make sense she says. i have made changes for myself to be a better person. i started telling my wife every situation i was involved in. I spendalot of time with my kids and wife. i love doing things together. Its hard to believe my wife and i never fight. i thought we had a solid relationship. Just recently around valentines day we took a trip to the dunes. we were going to spend valentines day there and when we got back i went out of town for business for a week. i told my wife when i got back we would plan something special for missing the holiday. she never mentioned at all that she was upset about that. when i got from my business trip i could tell something was bothering her. we spent the weekend together and on monday after work she said she didnt want to be together anymore. i was crushed and didnt understand. blind sided you could say. we went back and forth for a couple of days it was horrible. a few days later i found out she was talking to one of my so called friends found some emails back and fourth about how much they love each other and couldnt wait until the day the could be together. i flipped out. she said they had been talking for awhile and never seen eachother all over email. i believe her she has never lied to me. and always has told the truth when i ask. i have confronted this friend on the situation and at first denied the whole thing. he is married and is going threw a bad divorce also. i have talked to my wife about the situation but its hard being on the other foot of infadelity. i know i have put my wife thru alot of my crap for years alwasys lying about things and never coming clean with my past. we have talked about the past nd i have came clean with everything. i would like to say i never a told the truth because everytime we get in a huge fight my wife always want to breakup and move on. i guess i was insecure about our relationship. i am a dumbass and am trying to make change my self. i love my wife and want things to work out. sorry about the bad grammer and spelling not use to writting storys. i would like to add it seems like every year for the last five years something has come up to be questioned on. i have been honest and upfront but my wife has a very difficult time believing anything i say.


----------



## naojkat (Dec 1, 2009)

it is not easy to bring back the trust especially if it is broken. But if you are really sincere to change, you should try to reach out and prove to her that she is special and you are sincere. she may have difficult in believing you but she also feel that you are sincere with your changes.


----------



## Darwish (Mar 17, 2010)

well the time has come. My wife is going to move out this weekend. So sad! trying to stay positive and hope that we can both change a few things about our self's that we don't like and can get back together again. We have been doing i would say great for two people separating. Still hanging out talking laughing. i think it is the love that is still there that has helped us out. Im going to try to respect her wishes to separate and hope things between come back, and start working on our future together. I would like to see us work together for what we both what in the future. Not just what i want. My wife is one of the most loving caring persons in the world and i will never let her go.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, if you really want her back, the first thing you should do is expose her affair. Whether they have seen each other or not, it IS an affair. But if you're just letting her go, really, then just walk away and vow to never cheat again, and learn your lesson, and look for someone else who will never cheat.


----------



## Darwish (Mar 17, 2010)

there affair wasn't the cause of our separation. it was my lying and infidelity in the past that has got us here. i dont have a choice in the matter of letting her go. im trying respect and support the decisions she is making. She has never spoken up in our relationship and has never put her foot down to say how she wants her life. i believe she is going to sort that out and hopefully i can show her that im the man she wants in her life.


----------



## nappilymarried (Jun 25, 2008)

hi darwish. im going through a similar situation with my husband. we are now seperated due to his continuous lying and unfaithfulness, but he has yet to be honest and take responsibility of his actions. instead he twists the truth and tried to manipulate people(mainly me) and situations. i also failed to really stand up formyself,although i did suggest std tests for both of us and counseling in the past. he would stop talking to other women for a while then start back up again. but he never stopped the lying. i knew he was lying because i installed akeylogger on the pc when i first found out he was cheating, and saw everything he was doing. i stopped looking. thinking things would get better but they didnt. then i found out he was still doing it...i saw a familiar number in his phone. at first i didnt know what to do. i was considering divorse then i talked with someone on here and she talked me into seperation. it has given me a lot of time to think, but ive found out that my husband hasnt changed much. hes still lying, to me to his friends to his family, but mainly to himself. sooooo what made you decide to finally admit you were lying and want to come on her for help?


----------



## LAMB1993 (Apr 15, 2010)

Darwish, first I would like to commend you for telling the truth, and not making excuses for your actions. My husband and I are going through a similar situation. However, from what you have posted you are handling the situation in a much more mature manner. Continue to be honest with your wife, and give her time to heal. When I found out my husband was telling lies directly in my face, I lost all respect for him. We are trying to move forward, however I still look at him as a lier and untrustworthy.


----------



## del88 (Mar 24, 2010)

Hi Darwish,

I agree, you seem to be showing your wife a lot of respect and patience as she works through this difficult time. Continue to respect her and be patient as you spend time together, and hopefully things will work out in the end. I wish you well.


----------



## Darwish (Mar 17, 2010)

Thank you all for the replies. I am still trying to work on it. it has been a challenging few weeks for sure. Im still seeing my wife everyday after work with the kids for a few hours. She has her guard up for sure but she has said a few caring and loving things recently that make me feel better.


----------



## Walker (Apr 29, 2010)

Your wife is a hypocrite. Why is it OK for her to do the SAME thing she wanted to divorce you over????

I say go find a better woman and don't make the same mistake again. She's gone and she's probably getting very intimate with your ex-friend.


----------



## lisakifttherapy (Jul 31, 2007)

Your wife is in pain due to your behavior - but that being said, the good thing is it sounds like you have a sincere interest in making big changes in order to save your marriage / family. You're both in individual counseling - I hope you're able to add marriage counseling to the mix.

Infidelity is difficult to work through (especially with historical pattern) but nothing is impossible. It's usually complex and ultimately there are other issues entangled (like your wife's difficulty communicating). But if one hurts the other, repairs and consistent behavior demonstrating something different are necessary.

But - if she's not willing at all, that's another issue.


----------



## Darwish (Mar 17, 2010)

No matter how hard i try to keep focused on the positive things i cant stop thinking of my wife. Trying not to cross the boundaries she has set is the hardest for sure. I did ask her to consider throwing marriage counseling into the mix but i don't believe for now she is willing to do that. I'm going to try to continuing seeing my personal counselor. I tried a few but it doesn't seem like they help very much. like they are just there to listen. i need guidance. what to do. i wish i could get my wife to communicate with me. but lately it seems like she is saying less and less.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Go to marriagebuilders.com and find the number for their phone counseling. It will be the best $200 you spend. They don't just sit there and listen. They help you with concrete steps to take to get your life on track and hopefully your marriage as well. The doctor (founder of the site) has counseled thousands of people in your shoes.


----------



## Aero (May 10, 2010)

I am going throw the same thing with my husband. Don't do it again show her she is still the one and the only one make her feel special. Give her your email adress passwords so that she can see for herself nothing is going on. Let her check your phone if she wants to. 

But really guys what is up with you?!


----------

