# I NEED to stop being my husband's mother



## LemonLime (Mar 20, 2012)

As the title says, I cant do it anymore. Whether it is to change the garbage, put away his mess on the counter, shovel the sidewalk, cut the grass, tidy up after himself, put clothes on so we can go out, dont be late for work, go have a shower, dont do this, dont do that and the list just goes on and on. He never does anything on his own. When something needs to be done, I ask politely, always. If it does not get done, I raise my voice. Even sometimes that does not work and I am sick of doing what he should be doing and doing my share and his. 

I cannot stand that he cant do anything himself. Even getting out of bed in the morning so he is in time for work is up to me. It is pathetic. Him being on time for work impacts me because if he loses his job, we are screwed.

I do need this to stop tho. I have talked to him while we are in bed during a neutral time and expressed my feelings but it just does not help.

Why is he doing this? What can I do? :banghead::banghead::banghead:


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

This is a prime example of co-dependency. He is able to function without you I imagine as he does go to work without you there, right?

I suggest you let him know that you will no longer be nagging him about picking up his mess, getting dressed, etc. With work, don't worry about waking him until there are only 10 minutes left before he has to be out the door. With everything else, don't bug him about it, no matter how much you feel you "have" to.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I used to do this with my wife and as Riverside says - you just have to stop. Your H is a grown up, can make his own decisions, and accept the consequences of them. You might be surprised just how well he can get along without you managing him. I was. 

I'll add this. When I stopped treating my wife like I was her father it was one of the best things that ever happened to the romantic side of our relationship. It's sooooo much easier to be attracted to someone who you don't view as a parent/child.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

I'm one of those people that believes in the law of attraction. So IMO he probably looked for a mate that was a lot like his mother. However, if you do not want to be like that (which you shouldn't) then as the others have said, you will have to stop doing these things. His mother was probably and enabler, and now he married one. You will need to stop enabling this behavior. People who always have an enabler never learn to do things on their own, why should they? If he is late for work, doesn't clean up after himself, take out the trash, mow the lawn, etc, then that is not on you. Thats on him.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Well this explains your sex problem.  He is the type to not do anything unless he HAS TO and he's lazy. Oh and selfish, childish, immature, need I go on? (I've read your other posts)

Yes you are a codependent and the only way to fix it is to stop doing it.


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

Im guessing that the problem has got passed the point of talking about it its time for some action. Stop doing his share do yours if you carry on like this you are only giving him the impression that its ok for him to do it and he is abusing that. If you stop doing his chores then maybe he will realise that you really have had enough.


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## growtogether (Feb 27, 2012)

Hello
As I read the posts of the others, I would have to say the something: stop taking the role of his mother.
Let's say it's been a week now that you are not her mother anymore, how would it look like? If you say the house is nasty, he's not doing anything better, what would be the other perspective? What would be a positive visualization? When you see that picture in your mind, What did you guys do to get there?
Everything is possible; you have the answers inside of you 
What can get in your way to let go of the mother's role? You said that you were afraid for him to lose his job if you don't wake him up. Do you think that his boss will fire him because he's been late once or twice? Do you think a sanction from his boss may wake him up a little faster than usual?
You don't need to take that role, do you feel obligated?
What do you want from this situation?


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## LemonLime (Mar 20, 2012)

Thanks for the response. I want there to be more to our relationship.

I told him the other day I will no longer be doing any of that and I am basically going to stop everything.


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## Carol/BC (Mar 23, 2012)

I might add... keep an eye on the 'flavor' of your attitude. If you can, keep your demeanor light, not punishing. You're not 'getting back' at him, you're just changing your job description. I think it's important to note that together you've made this dynamic, so when you want to blame him, remember to go look in the mirror and acknowledge he couldn't have gotten here without you. That being said, your strength in changing your behavior can be the key to a whole new relationship. Put it this way: if you stop enabling him, you WILL have a different relationship. Be strong! Good luck.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I was married to someone similar, but he was only "incapable" of things regarding home--I didn't have to get him up for work. But he made a huge issue of having to be responsible for getting our last child to day care--I did all the others, and got them to school every day of their lives, etc. 

Everyone tells you to stop, and of course that is good advice. But whereas others believe he will step up to the plate, I wonder. I know my ex didn't. That's a big part of why he is my ex. 

Good luck. And if you do not have children with him, don't. It will only make things much worse.


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## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

You acknowledging your part in this is the first step.........second step is to follow through with your plan. Best of luck to you.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Just stop.

He will have to pick up the slack, especially since he will face consequences (for being late, etc).

Don't let him blame you either. Just smile and say, "you're grown."

My ex NEVER took out the trash without me nagging. So I stopped. That trash piled SO MUCH! OMG! I would just take a bag out of the trash can and set it next to the can and put an empty bag in. I think there were 5 bags of trash in the kitchen before he finally said, "DAMN! I better take out the trash!" Ya think? haha

After that, he was more aware of the trash.

You'll have to ween your husband off your reminders. It won't be easy, but it will be good.


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## the gifted (Aug 31, 2011)

Man on a traffic light past the next traffic light is a waste of time unless he suddenly discovered that he did not know color is up to you


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