# Too much?



## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Am I really asking for too much from my husband? 

My husband claims that I am asking too much from him, while I feel the opposite in that I am not asking much of him at all. 

My husband works full time(40 hours a week) doing the second shift(10am to 7pm). I am a SAHM mom to our 2 year old son. My day starts at 6:30 ish am when our son wakes up for the day, while I allow my husband to sleep in. My husband typically gets up for the day around 8:30, sometimes 9, and rarely at 8am. He plays with our son for a little bit, gets ready for work, and then leaves. His lunch is typically left overs from the night before that he takes with him to work. My day will consist of cleaning, making food, errands, and taking care of our child. He gets home just after 7(works 5 minutes from home)and we eat dinner as a family. Then it's bath and a bedtime routine for our son. 

I don't ask my husband to do any chores at home, other than after dinner dishes as we made an arrangement a while ago for that. The arrangement is that one person bathes and puts our son to sleep, while the other cleans up after dinner, putting the dishes away, so we can have more couple time together after the little boy goes to sleep. He is not responsible for any other chores. I take care of cleaning the bathroom, sweeping/mopping/vacuuming floors, dusting, cleaning windows/mirrors, cleaning up spills/messes, straightening up the house(making beds, etc.), cleaning up the clutter(paperwork, junk mail, toys, etc), etc. I also do all outside work, trimming bushes, pruning, and so on. I make dinner almost every single night for us, with him rarely doing so or us going out to eat. 

Our son is still a really bad sleeper at age 2 and fights sleep at bed time. He still still wakes up in the middle of the night and then wakes early for the day. I am the only one who wakes up with him in the middle of the night, as my husband sleeps. On my husband's 2 days off, he will get up with our son in the morning(which is really nice!), but I still end up doing the middle of the night work, walking our son back to his room and getting him back to sleep. 

My husband is a bit of a germaphode, so he will mop floors or other things on his own, but I never ask him to do that. It's usually already done in the last couple days, but for what ever reason my husband thinks it needs to be done again. 

Personally, I think my husband has it good. I don't get where I am "asking too much of him"? Am I missing something?


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## Skate Daddy 9 (Sep 19, 2011)

I did not see the part where you said what is was that you asked him to do the was "too much" but it sounds like he has it good.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Well, it was from yesterday when I asked him why he didn't clean up after dinner while I put our son to bed. He got all pissy and said I ask/expect too much from him. He claims he always helps me clean, take care of our son, and he is exhausted. 

It really set him off last night because I asked for a massage. I don't do that often(very rare), but I was having a rough day, my back hurt, and I was feeling down. He told me to go get everything for the massage and he would do it, but I forget the oil when I layed back down on the couch. He refused to get up to get it and told me to go back and get it. I had enough and told him to forget it, because it was obviously more than he wanted to give. He then went off on a tangent about how he does so much for our family and I should stop asking him to do more things. I'm just so frustrated with him because I feel like I don't ask enough of him. I'm exhausted from running after a toddler and doing all the work at home. My husband is basically responsible for just working, and almost nothing at home.


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## Bob Davis (Nov 5, 2014)

I work, my wife stays home. No kids. I still do a LOT around the house, inside and out. To me, it sounds like you have your hands full, and that he needs to help out at home some more.


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## truster (Jul 23, 2015)

Ah, this sounds like a familiar argument from the parents of a 2-year-old.

My take -- both parties are doing a lot. When you're that busy, and especially new to being that busy, and tired, it feels like you're overwhelmed, and constantly. And your partner feels the same way, I'd bet. Because each person directly sees their own work, and not that of their partner, they emotionally feel like they're doing the most.. even if just by a little.

You can get into the accounting of hours if you want, to see who's right about doing more, but AFAIK it's not a suggestion that generally ends well.

My advice? If the work done is close (and it sounds like it is), just have a talk about exchanging support about how much you're both working, instead of trying to figure out who's doing more. I bet you appreciate him for what he does, and I bet he feels likewise.. focus on that instead of the blame. "I know you do so much baby, you're a great husband, but could you pleeeeeease do a little extra right this very moment, I love you" sends positive vibes, and puts him in a position to feel good about being a guy who's going above and beyond. "You don't do enough/I do too much" sends bad vibes that a person should feel bad about their performance, and puts him in a position to be defensive and worry that he's giving up too much ground to someone who won't appreciate it.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I'm reluctant to jump into these house work division questions. I'm not liking your division. He should be handling all the sanitation problems. if he mops because of his phobia, shouldn't he clean toilets? And take out trash. And why does he get the weekend off?


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

truster said:


> Ah, this sounds like a familiar argument from the parents of a 2-year-old.
> 
> My take -- both parties are doing a lot. When you're that busy, and especially new to being that busy, and tired, it feels like you're overwhelmed, and constantly. And your partner feels the same way, I'd bet. Because each person directly sees their own work, and not that of their partner, they emotionally feel like they're doing the most.. even if just by a little.
> 
> ...


I'm not asking him to do more. I just want him to stop complaining. 

It's frustrating to watch him sitting on the couch playing on his tablet, while I'm chasing our naked son back to his room after a bath. I'd love to be able to just sit down. I rarely ever complain about that though and just keep moving forward. On the other hand, the slightest issue from my husband about something he thinks I'm not doing and he'll let me hear about it.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

"My husband is basically responsible for just working, and almost nothing at home. "

What do you mean by 'just working'? Sounds like you don't respect what he does to pay for the family. You mention each chore that you do, but when you talk about your husbands job it is 'just working'. 

My wife was a SAHM (still is). At one time we had three kids and the oldest was three. She was busy. Much busier than I was at work. When you have a young family it is a bunch of work. Wait until you have a couple and you are running them to activities every night as well. Now our youngest is 18. My wife still keeps herself busy but has it pretty easy. I have it pretty easy at work now too.

But with one two year old, i would say you two have it about the same. I don't think it is too much for you to do most everything at home while he does everything at work. I also don't have a problem with him cleaning up after supper. 

He might have had a particularily stressful/tough day at work the day he got upset with you.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I agree, it is a very typical argument in households with toddlers and a stay at home parent.

You are absolutely not asking too much of your husband. Now, my ex is no gem, but when we were married and the kids were little, I was a SAHM and he still did all of the yard work, very often grocery shopped, did his own laundry, made lots of meals, especially breakfast, got up with the kids nearly every time they had stomach viruses (slept on their floors), did potty boot camp with both of them, etc. We still argued about household stuff like if the kitchen/family room was a mess when he got home from work, but overall I never had reason to complain that I was "doing it all." 

Your husband has it really good. 

Sorry you're arguing about this .


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## truster (Jul 23, 2015)

Anonymous07 said:


> I'm not asking him to do more. I just want him to stop complaining.
> 
> It's frustrating to watch him sitting on the couch playing on his tablet, while I'm chasing our naked son back to his room after a bath. I'd love to be able to just sit down. I rarely ever complain about that though and just keep moving forward. On the other hand, the slightest issue from my husband about something he thinks I'm not doing and he'll let me hear about it.


But you guys take turns being the person chasing the little one back to the room after the bath, according to your story, no? So you also get to take turns being frustrated at the person who finally got their chance to be able to just sit down :smile2:

If he's complaining about what you do, that is a problem. You both need to appreciate what the other is doing, and let them know. He may not emotionally understand how much you're doing.. he sees what he's doing all day, but not what you're doing first-hand. Let him know he's making you feel undervalued, and explain why your day is so full. Sweeten him up first by letting him know you appreciate him, but don't let him get away with not appreciating you.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Mr. Nail said:


> I'm reluctant to jump into these house work division questions. I'm not liking your division. He should be handling all the sanitation problems. if he mops because of his phobia, shouldn't he clean toilets? And take out trash. And why does he get the weekend off?


He has a weird thing about his feet, that has gotten worse over time. He hates walking barefoot and will walk around the house in his indoor flip flops to keep his feet "clean". It drives me a little bonkers, but I try to let it go. His issue, not mine. 

He was in charge of trash, but would forget to take the big trash cans out on trash day or would leave an overflowing trash can inside(doesn't work well with a toddler), so I had to take over. Now, all chores are basically my responsibility. He claims to be too tired to do things or doesn't have enough time. The excuses are poor, especially since he has all morning every single day to go things.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Anonymous07 said:


> He has a weird thing about his feet, that has gotten worse over time. He hates walking barefoot and will walk around the house in his indoor flip flops to keep his feet "clean". It drives me a little bonkers, but I try to let it go. His issue, not mine.
> 
> He was in charge of trash, but would forget to take the big trash cans out on trash day or would leave an overflowing trash can inside(doesn't work well with a toddler), so I had to take over. Now, all chores are basically my responsibility. He claims to be too tired to do things or doesn't have enough time. The excuses are poor, especially since he has all morning every single day to go things.


I'm with him on the feet thing. I wear flip flops all the time, too. I can't stand to feel any little crumbs or anything on my feet. I'm not a compulsive mopper, though. The floors get mopped once a month by the cleaning ladies! (I vacuum frequently)

What does he do for a living?


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

truster said:


> But you guys take turns being the person chasing the little one back to the room after the bath, according to your story, no? So you also get to take turns being frustrated at the person who finally got their chance to be able to just sit down :smile2:
> 
> If he's complaining about what you do, that is a problem. You both need to appreciate what the other is doing, and let them know. He may not emotionally understand how much you're doing.. he sees what he's doing all day, but not what you're doing first-hand. Let him know he's making you feel undervalued, and explain why your day is so full. Sweeten him up first by letting him know you appreciate him, but don't let him get away with not appreciating you.


The arrangement is supposed to work that way, but typically my son will ask for me, so my husband does the bath and then sits on the couch, while I finish up the rest of the work. I rarely get a break. 

I've tried being nice about stuff and being more straight forward about the issue. Neither seems to make a difference in my husband's mind.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Sounds like a teen strategy, Do the job so poorly that mom will do it for you. Being diabetic I wear shoes everywhere, so that's not weird to me. On the other hand, the only place for flip flops is in a public shower.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

SecondTime'Round said:


> I'm with him on the feet thing. I wear flip flops all the time, too. I can't stand to feel any little crumbs or anything on my feet. I'm not a compulsive mopper, though. The floors get mopped once a month by the cleaning ladies! (I vacuum frequently)
> 
> What does he do for a living?


We have a robotic vacuum that helps me stay on top of the constant mess our son makes(tracking crumbs and dirt all over) that I use daily and I sweep daily, too. Floors are mopped once or twice a week. I'm always barefoot, unless we're going somewhere. Then I'll wear flip flops(we're in SoCal) or possibly shoes if it's winter time.

He works a customer service type job in the area of finance. I know he doesn't always deal with "happy" people, as I've worked customer service for many years myself(been cussed out, yelled at, etc.), but it's not an excuse to ever take his frustration out on me. 

I always make sure to take care of my husband. I know he can have bad days with some people, so I try to ease that for him. He has dinner ready when he gets home. After our son goes to bed, we'll watch tv or a movie, while I'm rubbing his back, running my fingers in his hair like a head massage, and so on. I just want the same back at times. Yesterday was rough for me, with a lot of things that combined to make it bad, so I just wanted a massage to help feel better. I don't think that was too much to ask for.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

I don't think it's too much asking on your part. In fact you had a division of chores that he failed on and you took it over. Perhaps you are enabling his attitude a bit. 

I do know that having a neat and clean house was an issue in my marriage. I wanted a neat clean house to relax in when i came home. Sometimes I wondered what my wife did all day so that things didn't get done. What we eventually did was to change my schedule so that I was home on Wednesdays and helped more with chores and we got a cleaning service. 

Until we started to really discuss it we didn't solve anything. Once I acknowledged and understood what she did and she Realized she was not getting to stuff I cared about, we could find a solution.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

meson said:


> I don't think it's too much asking on your part. In fact you had a division of chores that he failed on and you took it over. Perhaps you are enabling his attitude a bit.
> 
> I do know that having a neat and clean house was an issue in my marriage. I wanted a neat clean house to relax in when i came home. Sometimes I wondered what my wife did all day so that things didn't get done. What we eventually did was to change my schedule so that I was home on Wednesdays and helped more with chores and we got a cleaning service.
> 
> Until we started to really discuss it we didn't solve anything. Once I acknowledged and understood what she did and she Realized she was not getting to stuff I cared about, we could find a solution.


Any time I've tried to talk to my husband about this, it turns into a competition of who does more. He brings up all the stuff he claims to help with to show how he does more than "necessary" and it drives me crazy. I'm not looking to compare who does "more". I just want him to stop complaining that I supposedly ask too much of him and to occasionally have him "take care" of me(I really wanted that stupid massage).


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Anonymous07 said:


> Any time I've tried to talk to my husband about this, it turns into a competition of who does more. He brings up all the stuff he claims to help with to show how he does more than "necessary" and it drives me crazy. I'm not looking to compare who does "more". I just want him to stop complaining that I supposedly ask too much of him and to occasionally have him "take care" of me(I really wanted that stupid massage).


That's the trick is to get past that. It took a long time for us to get past it. I would star by acknowledging what he does and thank him for it. Then I would describe how when you ask for something like a message it's because it's really desired by you and you will try to limit those requests but you have a need of down time as well. Let him know that you do accommodate his need to relax but you need it as well. And sometimes some special attention.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Anonymous07,
Massage is a much better topic than house work. I know that at times I have looked at massage as a chore (back when it was the required as foreplay). Now that it has been separated from sex, it seems more like *extra* physical intimacy. Before I had to pay with labor, to get attention. 

Then there was a period when if she wanted a massage she would rub my back. Took me a few years to figure that one out. Usually it just annoyed me. Then I got the hint. 

Now she is afraid to ask and I'm more willing to give. We have a little joke between us, if we want to shower together we would say " want to get hot and wet with me?" Now if she would say "want to rub your hands all over my body?" I'd be on that in a flash. But really my favorite would be if she just pulled her shirt off. 

Think any of that would work for you?


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Mr. Nail said:


> Anonymous07,
> Massage is a much better topic than house work. I know that at times I have looked at massage as a chore (back when it was the required as foreplay). Now that it has been separated from sex, it seems more like *extra* physical intimacy. Before I had to pay with labor, to get attention.
> 
> Then there was a period when if she wanted a massage she would rub my back. Took me a few years to figure that one out. Usually it just annoyed me. Then I got the hint.
> ...


I'm still nervous to be very sexual because we just got our sex life back on track more recently(in the last few months). I had/probably still have a higher sex drive than my husband, so I don't want to push him away. I don't know if he would react positively to me talking about it in a more sexual way. I think I'm too nervous to try something like that.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Anonymous07 said:


> I'm still nervous to be very sexual because we just got our sex life back on track more recently(in the last few months). I had/probably still have a higher sex drive than my husband, so I don't want to push him away. I don't know if he would react positively to me talking about it in a more sexual way. I think I'm too nervous to try something like that.


Darn, I assumed he was a stereotype. So if you think it would scare him you need to put it in the right light. Call it non sexual intimacy, cuddling, or bonding. I'm pretty sure you are not getting enough affection. This is more than the very real sore muscles.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Bob Davis said:


> I work, my wife stays home. No kids. I still do a LOT around the house, inside and out. To me, it sounds like you have your hands full, and that he needs to help out at home some more.


About the same for me. All the outside work I do. I clean up the dishes. I did bath our kids at night as well. Love every minute of it. 

Your H is getting off light IMO.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Anonymous07 said:


> Well, it was from yesterday when I asked him why he didn't clean up after dinner while I put our son to bed. He got all pissy and said I ask/expect too much from him. He claims he always helps me clean, take care of our son, and *he is exhausted*.
> 
> It really set him off last night because I asked for a massage. I don't do that often(very rare), but I was having a rough day, my back hurt, and I was feeling down. He told me to go get everything for the massage and he would do it, but I forget the oil when I layed back down on the couch. He refused to get up to get it and told me to go back and get it. I had enough and told him to forget it, because it was obviously more than he wanted to give. He then went off on a tangent about how he does so much for our family and I should stop asking him to do more things. I'm just so frustrated with him because I feel like I don't ask enough of him. *I'm exhausted* from running after a toddler and doing all the work at home. My husband is basically responsible for just working, and almost nothing at home.


Regardless of who does what, you have both stated that you're exhausted. That is a current reality for both of you. Feeling tired and exhausted, tolerance levels and consideration towards one another is usually reduced. I hope mutual respect doesn't dwindle between you. 

I don't know about division of chores and what is and isn't fair for your household but I do know that tone and body language has a lot to answer for. You're in your head at the moment, the only way to understand why he's feeling that you're asking too much of him is to listen to him. It's not to say you'll agree but at the very least, you'll gain his perspective. From there, he may well be able to gain understanding of your perspective too. 

Intimacy with you (the massage) escalated quickly to him feeling some kind of pressure. I'm curious though, what else is needed for a massage aside from a towel and oil? I wonder if you wanted him to get the oil as way of proving to you that he wanted to share that intimacy with you; that he'd take care of things when you didn't (forgetting the oil).

This is speculation but I know that you have recently become a full-time SAHM. Is there a chance he's feeling pressure of now being the sole-provider? .....all this speculation aside, if you really want to understand him, understand yourself, and the relationship between you, it has to come down to communicating between you. Preferably not at the end of the day when you're both exhausted.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

If you're in your late 20s or early 30's and a 2 year old and your house is taking all your time methinks you need t work on planning or executing. 

My older girl was an absolute Tasmanian Devil of a toddler at that age and we learned to deal with her, her infant sister, part time work, and full time graduate school. And we were late 30's. 

I learned to adapt and rarely sleep more than 6 hours a day. Try to quantify where your time goes every day and see how you can improve things.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Some people don't like giving massages. Your husband is one of those people so give up on that and don't bother asking. For him it will always be an unwanted chore, and you really don't need to feel like you are a chore to him. Trust me, I have the same thing from my DH. I never ask for a massage anymore from him. Get yourself a heat pack.

You're both at that difficult time of feeling overworked and under appreciated. You have to push through it. The working partner always feels like they are working harder because they are at a "job". Unless you walk in each others shoes then neither of you will fully understand the other's point of view.

I think the main thing is to not ask him to do personal things for you that he doesn't like doing, like massages, and if he complains or whines about something around the house, make sure to remind him that you need criticism like a hole in the head, and if he has nothing nice to say then he should shut the hell up.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

It seems to me that housework and chores aren't the real issue. Communication is. When you try to communicate your needs, instead of listening and problem-solving like an adult, your husband gets upset and becomes defensive. The fact that you are uncomfortable addressing sexual issues speaks volumes -- you're afraid you'll "rock the boat" so to speak. 

This is a pattern that will creep into other areas of your life (besides just housework) if it's not addressed and solved now. I know you're both pressed for time, but I think some marriage counseling would be beneficial. When communication improves, you'll have the tools necessary to address any issues as a team.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

Ok Anom if your husband ever gets tired of doing all that "extra" work that you want him to do, just let me know and I'll send you a plane ticket lol. It sounds like to me he has it made. He should count his blessings and thank his lucky stars that he has you. Good luck


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

heartsbeating said:


> Regardless of who does what, you have both stated that you're exhausted. That is a current reality for both of you. Feeling tired and exhausted, tolerance levels and consideration towards one another is usually reduced. I hope mutual respect doesn't dwindle between you.
> 
> I don't know about division of chores and what is and isn't fair for your household but I do know that tone and body language has a lot to answer for. You're in your head at the moment, the only way to understand why he's feeling that you're asking too much of him is to listen to him. It's not to say you'll agree but at the very least, you'll gain his perspective. From there, he may well be able to gain understanding of your perspective too.
> 
> ...


His whole "I'm exhausted/tired" complaint bugs me because he gets sooo much more sleep than I do. How can you complain about being tired when he sleeps in til almost 9 am basically everyday? He's getting at least 8 hours of sleep, while I maybe get a broken 5 or 6 hours since our son wakes in the middle of the night. 

I've tried seeing his side, but I don't see any area where he can complain. I've done the working side, so I get some of the stress from work, but I don't see it as an excuse. I'm just tired of his excuses and the way he has been acting.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

john117 said:


> If you're in your late 20s or early 30's and a 2 year old and your house is taking all your time methinks you need t work on planning or executing.
> 
> My older girl was an absolute Tasmanian Devil of a toddler at that age and we learned to deal with her, her infant sister, part time work, and full time graduate school. And we were late 30's.
> 
> I learned to adapt and rarely sleep more than 6 hours a day. Try to quantify where your time goes every day and see how you can improve things.


Our parenting styles are different John and I do not intend to change that. Short term sleep deprivation issues is also different from not having slept well in 2 years. We've tried it all and still can't get him to sleep better. 



breeze said:


> Some people don't like giving massages. Your husband is one of those people so give up on that and don't bother asking. For him it will always be an unwanted chore, and you really don't need to feel like you are a chore to him. Trust me, I have the same thing from my DH. I never ask for a massage anymore from him. Get yourself a heat pack.
> 
> You're both at that difficult time of feeling overworked and under appreciated. You have to push through it. The working partner always feels like they are working harder because they are at a "job". Unless you walk in each others shoes then neither of you will fully understand the other's point of view.
> 
> I think the main thing is to not ask him to do personal things for you that he doesn't like doing, like massages, and if he complains or whines about something around the house, make sure to remind him that you need criticism like a hole in the head, and if he has nothing nice to say then he should shut the hell up.


I'm not going to stop asking because he's not thrilled about it. I won't push aside my own needs like I have before. That only makes things worse.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

SadSamIAm said:


> "My husband is basically responsible for just working, and almost nothing at home. "
> 
> What do you mean by 'just working'? Sounds like you don't respect what he does to pay for the family. You mention each chore that you do, but when you talk about your husbands job it is 'just working'.
> 
> ...


So it's ok for him to take out his stress/frustration on me? Sorry, I don't think that is ok at all. There is no excuse for that. I don't snap at him when I have a bad day. I absolutely expect the same respect from him.

I said he 'only' works because he only has to focus on a job outside of the home. He doesn't have to do anything at home. It doesn't mean his job is easy, it means he has one focus instead of also helping at home like most people do.


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

Anonymous07 said:


> *Personally, I think my husband has it good.* I don't get where I am "asking too much of him"? Am I missing something?


Uh...yeah I'll say he has it good. My wife, due to physical injuries, can't do a lot of things, so the burden to do a lot of household chores falls on me. Don't get me wrong, I love my wife and I never complain about working a full time job, coming home, working out, cooking, doing other chores to help...But it can overwhelm sometimes.

I'm sorry you're in this predicament A07, and I wish there was more I could offer at the moment other than here's a *hug* for you my friend. Sounds like you handle a lot.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

The daughter in question took 5 years to sleep the night  and even then she was a high needs child. The book "Raising your Spirited Child" was written for her. But we survived. It's not a question of different parenting styles as much as one of expectations. 

Write down where you spend your time in 15 min blocks and see if you can improve things.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Anonymous07 said:


> So it's ok for him to take out his stress/frustration on me? Sorry, I don't think that is ok at all. There is no excuse for that. I don't snap at him when I have a bad day. I absolutely expect the same respect from him.
> 
> I said he 'only' works because he only has to focus on a job outside of the home. He doesn't have to do anything at home. It doesn't mean his job is easy, it means he has one focus instead of also helping at home like most people do.


I think that most of us understand that saying the "only" works is not diminishing his work and his contribution from working.. instead what it means is that when he's off from work, he's off. He does not have to do his work after dinner, wake up in the middle of the night for work, and does not have work all weekend long.

Most of us get it... most of us have worked outside the home and get the difference.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

I don't know if I can respond very effectively to your question. I'm not a fly on the wall and simply can't make any clear determination on this case one way or another. However, what I can say, I think the title of this thread needs to be changed to "too little" as in it sounds like you (possibly your H) are getting too little sleep. He may actually be waking up even though he is not getting out of bed in the middle of the night when your son cries.

However, I'd prefer to focus on you. Is there any chance to have some respite time? Any in-laws or other relatives you feel like you could let your little one have a sleep over with for a couple days? I know your H just started this job, but if he has been there enough time to acquire a couple vacation days, maybe the two of you could have this respite time with no little one to distract you. I think both of you are feeling burnt out, and you need some time to breath. 

As for how to get your son to sleep through the night, that is a challenge. But, it may also be one you have to find ways to work on. I wish I could give you some recipe or formula to follow. I do know routine has been touted by experts to be the key, but many moms will tell you differently. I wish you all the best. 

Parenting styles... Somewhere along the way both of you need to find compromises and agreements on this issue. This could an issue that will go on past the sleep thing and could be a real problem in the future. This will be particularly true as your son gets older and becomes less reliant on you and clings more to dad.

There is definitely something boiling under the surface, but deal with one thing at a time. The sleep thing seems like an obvious one to me. Just my opinion.


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## ExiledBayStater (Feb 16, 2013)

If you stopped mopping the floors, would he feel they weren't adequately mopped, or would he let that slide?

Could you guys consider mid-range takeout dinners sometimes (such as Chipotle or Panera), choosing relatively healthy menu items that wouldn't totally bust your budget, freeing you from cooking and him from dishes?

I don't think you're asking for too much. I wonder about your husband. What does he do when he's not working, playing with your son, or sleeping?


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

john117 said:


> The daughter in question took 5 years to sleep the night  and even then she was a high needs child. The book "Raising your Spirited Child" was written for her. But we survived. It's not a question of different parenting styles as much as one of expectations.
> 
> Write down where you spend your time in 15 min blocks and see if you can improve things.


I don't see any areas to improve. I've already done that. I clean on a somewhat schedule and in between when needed, so cleaning is spread out over the week and not overwhelmingly at once. I have good time management and I'm not worried about that. 

It's just the tiring part of always focusing on 2 things at once, with doing a chore/dinner/something else and also paying attention to what my wild child is doing. The times I've kept focus just on what I was doing and not also watched what he was up to, he always gets into trouble. Like the other week for example. He got quiet while I was making dinner, so I went to go see what he was up to. He had pooped and was trying to change his own diaper, with poop all over his rug, on his dresser(diapers are stored in the top drawer), and some on his wall(his hand was against it as he reached for a diaper). That was "fun" to clean up. He's also just a typical 2 year old, who loves to throw major tantrums over not getting his way. I always give him choices, but he's a strong willed child who just wants to do everything his way. He is just tiring in general because he is very high energy, doesn't like to sleep well, and is strong willed. 



Ikaika said:


> I don't know if I can respond very effectively to your question. I'm not a fly on the wall and simply can't make any clear determination on this case one way or another. However, what I can say, I think the title of this thread needs to be changed to "too little" as in it sounds like you (possibly your H) are getting too little sleep. He may actually be waking up even though he is not getting out of bed in the middle of the night when your son cries.
> 
> My husband has woken up with our son in the middle of the night maybe 5 times in his whole life, letting me stay in bed and it's a huge difference in how tired I feel the next day. Laying in bed vs getting up to actually handle the issue, I would love to just stay in bed.
> 
> ...


We've been working on getting our son to sleep better for months. We've tried black out curtains, white noise, different pajamas, bed sheets, a stupid expensive twin mattress, and so on. He has the same bed time routine every single night. He has a small night light, that gives off enough light that he isn't scared, but not too bright where he thinks it's play time. He gets a snack before bed to make sure he's not hungry. He also has a small water bottle in his room, so he can get a drink if he's thirsty. His ceiling fan is on, so the temperature in his room is good. 

He doesn't really like to sleep alone, but co-sleeping doesn't work well either. Any time our son sleeps in our bed, my husband has plenty of room, our son is sprawled out, and I'm hanging on to the edge with basically no space. He's also a wild sleeper and will kick/hit me throughout the night and push his weight against me, pushing me farther almost off the bed, so I would much prefer he sleep in his own bed. I especially want him to use that expensive mattress we bought him also in desperation to help him sleep. 

It's an on-going trial and error to get him to sleep better. We're trying to have him sleep on his old crib mattress on the floor in our room if he wants to stay with us, but he is refusing that.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Anonymous07 said:


> I don't see any areas to improve. I've already done that. I clean on a somewhat schedule and in between when needed, so cleaning is spread out over the week and not overwhelmingly at once. I have good time management and I'm not worried about that.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I totally get it... I understand. Our oldest stop taking naps at 18 months. He of course has alway had and still has sleep issues (related to his mental handicap). So, even at 16 years of age, exhaustion issues related to my sons sleep problems creep into our marriage. It may not be the same as yours, but we fight about fairness of what does and does not get done more when we are tired than when we are not. 

"Too little" sleep, I see and read between the lines as a major issue. I really hope you can get this resolved.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

07,

He's lazy IMO.

When my wife and I decided to have kids I was all in.

After I got home from work I grabbed a quick shower I started doing household chores, which IMO, aren't really chores...

What better way to unwind and forget about the day than cooking, light cleaning or playing with your child?! Five minutes in and I was focused on having fun with the family. He's missing out big time!

I worked some very long shifts (Swing shifts too) and stayed up 24-36 hours at times. So be it, I was young and could handle it. 

The faster we got the "chores" done and the kids down the more time we had for us!


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Anonymous07 said:


> I'm not going to stop asking because he's not thrilled about it. I won't push aside my own needs like I have before. That only makes things worse.


Let's be honest here and say you don't really "need" to have him massage you. Yeah, it'd be nice, but if someone doesn't like doing something, and you know they don't like doing it, it's not very considerate to keep asking them to do it. I know all about sore backs. There are many other options. Stretches, heat packs, professional massages, chiropractors, osteopaths etc.

What about his need for not being put in the situation of feeling hassled to massage someone when it's obviously not his thing?

Note that I'm not having a go at you, but you have to try and see some of this from his perspective. I also think he is not pulling his weight in some other areas, but I don't know what he thinks about you, so it's hard to have an unbiased opinion in that regard.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Anonymous07 said:


> His whole "I'm exhausted/tired" complaint bugs me because he gets sooo much more sleep than I do. How can you complain about being tired when he sleeps in til almost 9 am basically everyday? He's getting at least 8 hours of sleep, while I maybe get a broken 5 or 6 hours since our son wakes in the middle of the night.
> 
> I've tried seeing his side, but I don't see any area where he can complain. I've done the working side, so I get some of the stress from work, but I don't see it as an excuse. I'm just tired of his excuses and the way he has been acting.


I agree with both Ikaika and happy clam.

I'm in support of you and your marriage however that doesn't mean that I'll automatically side with you and agree with your perspective. You seem frustrated and defensive ...when in that place, it can cloud us from being open to working together with our SO. How can you move ahead and get beyond this together, in a way that's supportive to one another? Is that possible for you both?

What I will chime in with though, perhaps annoyingly to you, is that my husband and I absolutely have different tolerances to quantity of sleep. It's just a reality that he needs a lot more sleep than I do. Even though you may see your husband getting more sleep, I don't think that necessarily equates to him not being justified in still feeling exhausted. It sounds as though you need more appreciation and consideration than he's currently giving. He'll have his perspective on that too. If possible, lower the finger of blame and simultaneously, find a way to communicate openly that doesn't cause you to walk on eggshells - that's not healthy for you. 

As Ikaikia said though, sleep and rest ought to be the priority for now. For both of you.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

heartsbeating said:


> I agree with both Ikaika and happy clam.
> 
> I'm in support of you and your marriage however that doesn't mean that I'll automatically side with you and agree with your perspective. *You seem frustrated and defensive ...when in that place, it can cloud us from being open to working together with our SO. *How can you move ahead and get beyond this together, in a way that's supportive to one another? Is that possible for you both?
> 
> ...


HB says it well. That was what I was trying to say by having you validate his opinion as well. You both need to recognize you are each going to your limits. The limits may be different for each of but it really doesn't matter. What matters is finding a balance that acknowledges this and moves on. Trying to keep score on things will only in the long run build up resentment.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

A07, you really do remind me of me when I was your age. I yearned for back massages but rarely asked because when he did massage my back it was clearly not something he wanted to do because he did such a terrible job at it. 

This is what I wish I had known then. When dealing with a husband who, for whatever reason (might be reasonable might be unreasonable not making any judgments) feels that too much is asked of him, feels stressed about expectations placed on him (again both reasonably and unreasonably) it is vital to first acknowledge his effort/contribution to the relationship, the home, the family.

"Honey, I know you're probably tired after working all day and I hate to ask you...but my back is killing me. Please will you massage my back to work out the kinks so I don't have to resort to taking unnecessary medicines?"

As far as having to get up to get the lotion I personally wouldn't have even asked him to get it. I'm the one wanting the massage so it's on me to make that as easy as possible for him to do. So in this, yes I think you should have gotten the lotion yourself.

In all honesty, I think your H is lazy, does not handle stress well at all, and needs to grow up significantly! I think he is still thinking his wife would be like his mommy, always giving and rarely asking anything in return. 

Here the thing that your husband needs to understand, being a SAHM means your in the job. 24/7/365. You never leave the "office" and your phone rings in the middle of the night, on weekends and early in the morning. Unlike your husband, who gets to leave his office every night and on weekends, your job follows you around the house, into the bathroom, and wakes you up at night. I'm not suggesting that you literally are standing over your son 24/7 waiting to do a task for him, but you are on call 24/7 whereas your husband leaves his work and his work does not follow him. That is exhausting, so he needs to man the hell up and start investing himself into the care and keeping of his child!

I was never able to get my H to understand this. I went away for a week to attend a friends wedding when my kids were little. I was exciting to have some time off but even more excited for my husband to see what it was like being on the job 24/7. He took the kids to my parents each day and didn't bring them home till after bed time. He did nothing except bring them in the door asleep and take them out the door in PJ's. 

They didn't like Dad putting them to bed because he didn't read to them right, he mumbled his way quickly through a story, skipped pages and essentially made the experience rather lousy for them. Do a bad job of it and your wife will just do the job herself. 

On weekends your husband should be getting up with your son to give you time to sleep in.


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