# Husband and porn



## Azmamaof3 (Feb 27, 2016)

My husband and I have always had a great sex life. When we were younger and before kids we did different things and experimented with different things. We have always been active with it and used to typically have sex 4 times a week on average. About a year and a half ago or so I found some porn on my husband's phone and confronted him about it. He said he was simply watching it to get some different ways and ideas for us to try and that he was still very much aroused by me and still loved sex with me. So I let it go and found our sex life still very good. In May we found out we were having our 3rd child. Then I started finding more porn on his phone again. Now mind you I've always continued to have a good sex drive while pregnant and I don't get very big at all. I don't even show until about 7 1/2 months pregnant. So this has never been an issue for us with being pregnant. As the months went by I found more and more frequent porn watching from him. We were still having sex but it started to feel more like he was treating me lie the girls from the porn videos. I didn't feel that romantic connection with my husband. It seems as if I'm just a piece for him and he's treating me as the women he watches. Now after having our daughter it's still going on. I find porn on his phone almost daily now. I just don't know what to do or how to confront him about it. I feel like I'm missing not attractive to him anymore and that he would rather fantasize about the women in these porn videos. We still have sex but it's just not the same loving husband wife sexual connection. I feel very rejected and so unattractive.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Azmamaof3 said:


> * I feel very rejected and so unattractive.*


Odds are if you feel this way, he is picking up on it by the fact that you are no longer responding to him sexually as you perhaps used to. He will likely identify it as himself not being sexy and attractive enough to please you anymore. He will look at more and more porn to get ideas on different ways to please you.

It is a spiral, and it gets out of control fast! 

Tell your husband that you are having problems that his use of porn is making you feel rejected and unattractive and ask him to help find anything to improve this. Hopefully you will learn to attribute his desire to be with you to the actual fact that you are indeed attractive. Hopefully you can see him treating you like women in porn as a very _misguided_ way to try anything it takes to please you because he loves you.

Hope that helps.

Badsanta


----------



## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Still four times a week?


----------



## Azmamaof3 (Feb 27, 2016)

Sometimes it is but not always. We have had a lot of life changes. My MIL is currently living with us, and we have ano almost 3 month old. Plus our 3 year old still comes into our bed in the middle of the night.


----------



## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

With all that going on u are lucky to do it at all


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

@badsanta @grame and @Okguy already said nearly everything I thought. 

"He said he was simply watching it to get some different ways and ideas for us to try ." I just love that one. 

But seriously, when a GUY tells you watching porn is a problem, it's a problem. 

Forget feeling very rejected and so unattractive. I am sure you are as hot as before. Your HUSBAND has the problem and that will spill over into becoming yours, as you already noticed. Make sure you clearly tell him that you are not a porn slvt and he needs to fix his game or you will shut him off.

BTW, there are couple-friendly videos available. Google Better Sex Videos Series. If you think you can stomach watching any porn, buy him this and watch it with him. The videos are actually like your H said - different ways and ideas for you to try. Beat him at his own game.


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

intheory said:


> But, he probably won't --- once they discover it, only low-Testosterone will take away their desire for it. him, in order to scratch your own .


:iagree: Zoloft helps too in taking away the desire.


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I have to disagree. My wife (now in her mid 50s) is far more attractive to me than women in porn. But I turn to porn when she turns me down - which is almost always.

It affects different people differently. In the OPs case, it seems to be causing a problem, but that isn't true in all cases.



intheory said:


> There's no way you're as attractive as the women in porn. They are almost always younger, smoother, bigger-breasted, you name it.
> snip
> .


----------



## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Porn....

A problem discussion that cannot be resolved. Like the discussion about gun control in the USA. So I try to think about bringing in couple of other dimensions


1. If it could be shown that watching porn and being attracted to your wife are not negatively related in 'cause and effect'-manner, than there would be no problem for many wives.

(I think this is the case)


2. Since male imagination about nude women and sex is fundamentally different from the female intimacy about erotic relations, women need not judge watching porn with their own belief system, since that is wrong on the male perspective.

(I believe this also)


3. Porn (depicting sex acts) is not good or bad in itself, just like Food is not good or bad in itself. It is the level of civilization and quality that makes it good or the lack thereof that makes it bad. Just like having eating manners, or like eating fast food or not. 

(I believe porn on the erotic side of the spectrum can be beautiful)


4. The wife attactiveness factor is mainly depleted nowaday because of the obesitas epidemy, and that makes women prone to all kinds of feeling inadequate on the area of sex. Eventhough brave husbands praise them for their looks, they themselves do not believe it and suffer of low self esteem. Therefore their reaction to the outside danger of porn is exaggerated in an attempt to self defence.

(I believe the common husband is also suffering from obesitas, from himself, and from her side of it)

Just throwing in some ideas.


----------



## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

peacem said:


> Ok. This is just my opinion and wouldn't dream of telling you how you should feel. But...I sometimes like romantic sex. At times I like 'porny' sex. Who wrote the rule book that sex has to be 'romantic'. Sometimes this is nice, and sometimes it is boring.


My SO comes after me when he is feeling horny, but he really doesn't seem to care at all how I feel, whether I'm into it or feeling it myself. He just gropes at my sex organs in what seems to be a half-hearted attempt to give me some pleasure, and focuses on getting his own. 

Can't speak for OP, but that's how *I* would describe being treated like a "piece".

And I really don't understand why I should tiptoe around so that I don't hurt his precious feelings. So what if I make him feel bad about his preference for porn? He makes me feel bad about it on a pretty much daily basis. Don't much care anymore what his reasons are. 

Just my two cents.


----------



## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

peacem said:


> I never suggested tiptoeing around (though that is open to personal interpretation), I am just suggesting taking a step back and confronting it calmly. Her husband is more likely to LISTEN to her feelings as well as communicate his own honestly if they are both open to a compassionate conversation.


You are right, of course, that compassionate communication can be healing, and for sure is a key to healthy relationships. It absolutely should be tried.

I just wanted to offer a different perspective because there seems to be so much advice out there encouraging women to just understand and embrace her husband's porn needs. 

When I tried compassionate communication, I got a bunch of lies about how it meant nothing, blah, blah, blah. But actions speak louder than words, IMHO. And I found that it doesn't really matter how I approach the situation, it all ends up in the same place because that's what he wants.


----------



## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

As a moderate to high-drive man, I have to tell you that its a mistake to assume that all men who look at porn are excited because of the "more attractive women." This is not always what porn is about for me. For me its more about watching the sex act itself, the excitement and enthusiasm of all parties involved, the variety, and yes, the errections and the end result of them......Im not gay (not emotionally attracted to men at all) but I do get horny from looking at the male member and its product.

Luckily, my wife is usually quite demanding of me sexually, and sometimes also enjoys porn clips alone or together with me.

When my wife wears me out, I have little interest or time for porn. 

It absolutely does NOT have anything to do with "more attractive" women in porn. My wife is a 23 year-old super hot bombshell. 

I still like porn sometimes depending upon my mood. Keep that in mind.


----------



## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

Yours is a very mature position. 

The brain is the most important sex organ in the body. There are things in porn that stimulate my (sometimes her) brain and can create much BETTER sex between me and my wife.

For example, we both get very hot and really enjoy the FANTASY of another man doing her. For BOTH of us, this is fantasy only as the reality of it (diseases, emotional attachment risk, jealously, strange person in our life) makes it impossible, which is surely a good thing. However, should we limit our fantasy life because the reality is well ...not realistic...? I don't think so. 

Neither of us can accept the reality of swinging or anything like that, but we can fantasize about it totally safely!

Porn is pure fantasy. Fantasy that makes real sex life better is usually a good thing as long as there is no physical danger such as affair, disease, EA, damage to children etc. Porn in all its forms (we both got super hot even just hearing sounds of people having sex although hard to find this) is fantasy. 

For some the fantasy, especially if you can SHARE it, can bring you much much CLOSER for others it separates.

Its very intimate to share your fantasies and desires with your partner. Its very intimate to accept each other and try not to judge each other or get defensive, self conscious, and jealous. 

If the jealous and self image obsessed spouses could understand its about fantasy and that fantasy is healthy (no thought crime right?) more could see the positives in porn. 

I agree there are LOTS of negatives too. Just like drugs, there are good and bad sides. The key is to use responsibly and not ABUSE. Some can do this, others can not.

For example, after much soul searching, I am not threatened by porn when she likes certain male traits. Geez I like them too. So why get threatened? Why not enjoy. 

Should I get upset by monster male parts or by guys who can do things I simply can't physically do interesting my wife even though she multiples with me? 

Yes, I'm perfectly normal, no more no less. Should I get jealous and upset. No way. Im real. Im not a fantasy.

Is she going looking for that in real life? No she is not. So why not enjoy? Its supposed to be fun.

Are the women trying to control their man, are they worried about getting less sex, are they jealous, do they feel it leads to acting out in real life (affairs, visiting prostitutes etc?). 

If so, those issues should be discussed.





This is what I was trying to say and you put it well. When we talked about porn and what porn meant to him and why it was so alluring...I was surprised at the answers I was given. I could list what his relationship with porn was, but basically it was nothing to do with the attractiveness of the women, not even body shape. It was a particular sex act that he fantasized about that I could not provide. There were also other things that I won't go into...but it needed addressing and bringing out into the open. The point is NOT to have knee jerk reactions to porn until you have the open and honest discussion. 

Now we have done that, things are considerably better. I also learned along the way that my husband isn't solely responsible for satisfying my sex drive, I needed to explore my sexuality alongside his....to which I will always be grateful to porn in an indirect way. Only this morning my husband talked about a porn scene and rather than getting upset and my ego doing somersaults I listened and asked him for more details and added a few of my own. Because it isn't about me, its about his fantasy and if you are part of the fantasy the porn becomes redundant. If you cannot share that fantasy because of fear of a shame reaction it gets worked out of his system privately. 

Obviously, sadly it doesn't always work this way.....[/QUOTE]


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
My point is that different people react to, and use porn differently. The OPs husband seems to be using porn instead of being intimate with her, but the reasons he is dong so are not so obvious. In your previous post you said that she could not be as attractive to him as the women in porn. That may be true, but he may have other reasons for preferring porn. 

From reading posts here, I don't think my situation is rare. It may not be the most common, but there are a number of posters here who use porn because their partners ignore them. 

I'm not claiming that is the OPs case - but I also don't think she should jump to conclusions as to why he is doing this. 




intheory said:


> Your situation is almost never comparable to the ones described in these "husband/porn", problem threads.
> 
> And you always beg to made the exception, because you would rather be with your wife than use porn.
> 
> ...


----------



## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

peacem said:


> I couldn't agree more. Dealing with an addiction actually requires help that is beyond the partner as a rescuer. It is something completely different. I doubt the OP is dealing with that in any way shape or form - however, she is not happy with his style of sex and there are red flags of unhealthiness to me. Porn everyday for someone who has a wife who enjoys sex tells me there is something wrong; lazy, selfish sex suggests he has forgotten that sex should be mutually satisfying.


It doesn't have to be addiction for it to have a very negative impact on the relationship. It just needs to translate into that lazy, selfish sex that OP described. This alone is something seriously wrong, IMHO.

Fantasy is lovely until you find out you play no role in it. Then you've no choice but to take 100% responsibility for your own sexual satisfaction, and that is a very lonely place to be.

Like you, I hope that is not OP's reality. But I can certainly sympathize with why she is feeling rejected and unattractive. And like intheory am much less convinced that there is really any kind of solution except to suck it up. Or not.

I dunno, part of me is impressed that there are those out there who manage to turn this into an increase of intimacy. Personally, the only side I see is two people having sex and wishing they were somewhere else.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

A man who is mostly rejected by his wife and goes running to porn for relief may be contributing to his problem. His wife most likely knows his activities and is feeling disrespected and just plain appalled at his watching of porn.


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Azmamaof3 said:


> My husband and I have always had a great sex life. When we were younger and before kids we did different things and experimented with different things. We have always been active with it and used to typically have sex 4 times a week on average. About a year and a half ago or so I found some porn on my husband's phone and confronted him about it. He said he was simply watching it to get some different ways and ideas for us to try and that he was still very much aroused by me and still loved sex with me. So I let it go and found our sex life still very good. In May we found out we were having our 3rd child. Then I started finding more porn on his phone again. Now mind you I've always continued to have a good sex drive while pregnant and I don't get very big at all. I don't even show until about 7 1/2 months pregnant. So this has never been an issue for us with being pregnant. As the months went by I found more and more frequent porn watching from him. We were still having sex but it started to feel more like he was treating me lie the girls from the porn videos. I didn't feel that romantic connection with my husband. It seems as if I'm just a piece for him and he's treating me as the women he watches. Now after having our daughter it's still going on. I find porn on his phone almost daily now. I just don't know what to do or how to confront him about it. I feel like I'm missing not attractive to him anymore and that he would rather fantasize about the women in these porn videos. We still have sex but it's just not the same loving husband wife sexual connection. I feel very rejected and so unattractive.



You sound like the ideal wife.

- In great shape
- healthy high adventurous sex drive
- 4x week? WOW
- even pregnant you have a sex drive!!!

All thumbs up for me.


If you feel unattractive and not as sexy anymore, 3rd child on the way, he will clue into that. He said he watches porn to try and spice things up. 

What porn is he viewing?


Only speaking for myself but I occasionally view porn because Mrs.CuddleBug is conservative LD and could have sex 1x to 2x month. When I get really in the mood, I chose to view porn, get it out of my system instead of meeting some other woman.....

If Mrs.CuddleBug had a healthy high adventurous sex drive, my desire for porn is zero and I completely forget about it to be honest.

When married each spouse is to take care of each others needs as your own.


Both of you take the 5 love languages quiz

Home | The 5 Love Languages® | Improving Millions of Relationships? One Language at a Time.


Turns out I am Physical rating 12 were as Mrs.CuddleBug is Acts of Service rating 12.

I am adventurous HD and she is conservative LD.


----------



## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

OliviaG said:


> I think you have to consider that it may be an addiction if he knows it is causing unhappiness in your marriage but WILL NOT leave it alone. The only other explanation that I can think of is that he just doesn't care about your happiness. I hope that's not true.


Maybe. But while I think he does care about my happiness, it is absolutely not enough to make any changes.

He doesn't think porn has affected the way he treats me or his expectations. I beg to differ. But it really doesn't matter what I think, as he will continue to do whatever he wants. And tell me that it hasn't affected anything.


----------



## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> A man who is mostly rejected by his wife and goes running to porn for relief may be contributing to his problem. His wife most likely knows his activities and is feeling disrespected and just plain appalled at his watching of porn.


What came first the chicken or the egg? Husband can say that's why he turned to it and wife can say she is turned off because of it. 
OP husband should avoid all porn for a long time.


----------



## lisamaree (Nov 2, 2014)

I am also struggling with my husband's porn addiction. I've done EVERYTHING. It is something I have to deal with, or leave. For now our kids are young, so I'm sticking it out... Don't know if it will last once they are grown.

I guess I am just posting to let you know you aren't alone.

My husband has given me every excuse in the book. "It gives me ideas to spice up our sex life." "It helps get me in the mood." "All guys watch porn and if they say they don't, they're lying." Etc. This has been an issue for years, and our sex life has dwindled drastically.

My husband refuses to change. Regardless of how many times I get into his computer and delete the porn. No matter how many times I verbalize how it makes me feel. He doesn't even get mad when I delete his porn, just shrugs it off and downloads it all over again (I suspect that he has a backup copy somewhere). I have no idea if he buys the porn as I don't have access to his accounts (we keep our money separate). 

I've even initiated sex, only to be rejected and catch him watching porn and doing his thing an hour later after he thinks I've gone to bed.


----------



## Heartacher (Feb 22, 2016)

You and he might find this illuminating:- Your Brain on Porn: How Internet Porn Affects the Brain (2015) | Your Brain On Porn


----------



## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

peacem, thanks for the thoughtful post!

My sitch is somewhat different than yours:
HIM
1) doesn't find me attractive
2) Has been enjoying porn all his life, and thinks it's super fun 

ME
1) Sees porn as catering to male fantasy, and more importantly oblivious to female pleasure, and treats women like objects
2) Feels completely rejected and alone that he chooses porn over me.

We haven't resolved this issue in any real way, although if you ask him, he will say that everything is a-okay. If you ask me, we are at a stand-off where he just does whatever he wants, and I have learned to take care of my self too. 

It would probably work all right, except that it makes me feel kind of terrible and alone, and I'm not sure how to get over that.


----------



## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

peacem said:


> lisamaree, always_alone and OP (and anyone else going through this) I thought I would try and concisely as possible explain to you how we reconciled our issues. Our relationships are all very different and I am not saying this will work for everyone. But you get the idea......
> 
> HIM
> 1) His drive was far higher than I had realised (needing a release at least once a day)
> ...


This is just flat out AWESOME !!
Great post.


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening @peacem that is fantastic, a wonderful example of how to solve a problem in a way that is great for both of you.


----------



## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

Although I can't help but note that "great for both of you" involves her accepting, not caring, about her h's porn use. Because that's what it always boils down to here.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

always_alone said:


> Although I can't help but note that "great for both of you" involves her accepting, not caring, about her h's porn use. Because that's what it always boils down to here.


I don't think @peacem accepted her husbands porn use. It is more like she took it upon herself to realize that shame was more harmful than porn, so *she made it a point care about her husband* and what he fantasized about as opposed to rejecting and shaming him for his porn. This process revealed to her that porn was not threatening. She and her husband rarely use it based on her posts. I'm pretty sure he no longer uses it to the point she does not even have to bother to check. If she did and found it, no big deal. 

What is important is that they now "communicate" about things and caring for each others feelings.

I remember a women on this forum once mentioned she watched porn and had an epiphany. She asked herself if her husband should feel threatened by the men she watched in porn. Then she fell on the floor laughing that the men in these videos were about as threatening as a pizza served with a hot dog poked through it. Meanwhile she realized her self confidence had been hurt for no reason at all for many years thinking her husband wanted porn more than her. Porn is for the most part silly, not threatening.

Badsanta


----------



## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

I was where your husband was and porn became my primary sex life. It became easier to masturbate watching whatever kind of sex I was in the mood for than to have sex with my wife who was not going to do the things I liked in porn. I am now going to tell you the absolute truth and you may think it is crazy because that was my thought when I first heard of it. 

My wife was feeling like you and thought that I did not find her attractive anymore. I finally confessed the real reason and told her that I wanted to stop but needed her help. I found a sexual fetish called Chastity. This has gone mainstream and you can even buy the plastic chastity devices that fit over a penis, in brand name drug stores on their internet sites. It is marketed as an aid to prevent masturbation. I am not going to go into the details because each couple does it differently to fit their individual needs. The result is that I have not masturbated for over 3 years. I am always sexually attracted to my wife, we have more sex and my wife says that she is having the best orgasms of her life. She controls when and how we have sex and the focus is on her orgasms, not mine, unless she wants me to orgasm. Since we are not trying to have kids, my orgasms are infrequent because by denying me an orgasm, my wife keeps me wanting her sexually all the time. As a result I will do all that I can to keep her happy. No more arguments and I do what she asks of me.

If you Google it, just know that chastity is often a part of a larger sexual fetish like those that have the wife as the dominant to the submissive husband. None of that is needed. In its pure form, chastity play is the wife, the one who holds the keys to his penis, controlling her husbands ability to have an orgasm. It has revitalized our sex life and intimacy. My wife gets to have as many orgasms as she wants to but my are limited to keep me aroused and more willing to please her. You can do it as simple as locking his penis up until you are ready to have sex, to denying him for longer periods so you can enjoy being the sole focus of sex once in a while.

I was hesitant to mention this but your husband's problem is what is driving this sexual fetish into the mainstream. Many men are living their sex life online. I thought this was the stupidest thing in the world and my wife felt guilty to deny me an orgasm, but we tried it a few times, figured out what worked and did not work for us and just started our fourth year of chastity play. I know, I know this is the stupidest or weirdest thing you ever heard of. We were at that same place but also desperate enough to try it and see if it worked. It worked and now my submissive wife has control of my orgasms and I wear a custom made to fit metal chastity cage on my penis 24/7 so that I no longer can masturbate without taking drastic measures. Some thing weird and stupid like this ended up saving our sex life and increasing our intimacy. You can read for yourself the chemistry of how it works, but it does work as long as your husband really wants to cut out his masturbation habit. If he is looking for you to be his jailer, it will not work. It has to be a joint effort. He needs to want to stop what he is doing with or without a chastity device. Plenty of couples are doing this on the honor system. The man just promises not to masturbate anymore and wait for his wife to let him orgasm. Good luck and remember that most of the chastity websites are there as masturbation fodder with wive becoming dominatrices and having sex with other men while they lock up their husband and sexually humiliate him. That is not chastity play. It basically is like Tantra sex where you have sex as much as you want but control the males orgasms. Good luck and I hope that I did not weird you out. Just google male chastity and CB6000 and you will find a wealth of information and many others with the same problem.


----------



## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

badsanta said:


> I remember a women on this forum once mentioned she watched porn and had an epiphany. She asked herself if her husband should feel threatened by the men she watched in porn. Then she fell on the floor laughing that the men in these videos were about as threatening as a pizza served with a hot dog poked through it. Meanwhile she realized her self confidence had been hurt for no reason at all for many years thinking her husband wanted porn more than her. Porn is for the most part silly, not threatening.


Now imagine just for a moment that she had just rejected him for sex, and often found herself "too tired" to be intimate with him. 

Would you laugh at him for feeling threatened? Would you advise him to care more about her feelings?


----------



## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

peacem said:


> Maybe...accepting yes, but definitely caring in terms of our needs not so much about the porn. The balance has changed. And what it boils down to for me is that I am not laying awake at night alone, crying and feeling ugly - my imagination running wild. I give my advice according to my own experience and emotional and sexual well being now.
> 
> Being in a similar situation...what advice would you give to OP of how she can move forward?


I like your advice peacem. I think it's honest and thoughtful and kind. I think it might work, assuming OPs situation is similar to yours.

Please don't get me wrong. I am not trying to shout you down.

I just wanted to offer a different take on it because it's lonely to be told to "get over it" when you are watching your spouse choose porn over a relationship with you. 

And doesn't it depend at least a little what you are told in those times of honest communication? 

At any rate, OP hasn't come back to clarify, so I too am just sharing thoughts based purely on my personal experience.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

badsanta said:


> I remember a women on this forum once mentioned she watched porn and had an epiphany. She asked herself if her husband should feel threatened by the men she watched in porn. Then she fell on the floor laughing that the men in these videos were about as threatening as a pizza served with a hot dog poked through it. Meanwhile she realized her self confidence had been hurt for no reason at all for many years thinking her husband wanted porn more than her. Porn is for the most part silly, not threatening.
> 
> Badsanta





always_alone said:


> Now imagine just for a moment that she had just rejected him for sex, and often found herself "too tired" to be intimate with him.
> 
> Would you laugh at him for feeling threatened? *Would you advise him to care more about her feelings?*


If a husband found his wife to be sexually exhausted from watching porn, YES he should make it a point to care more about her feelings. Odds are she is using the porn as a way to escape from something, or she has a fantasy that she is too ashamed to discuss. Since she is sexually exhausted, odds are this is the perfect time to calmly talk about what is going on. If he has sexual needs, odds are he would find his wife opening up and talking about her sexuality and letting go of any shame BETTER and MORE AROUSING than actually having sex. THEN there are plenty of ways to relieve any remaining sexual tension as a loving couple if actual intercourse is still not an option, by just being a little creative. 

I remember in college I had a girlfriend that would sometimes be too tired for sex, but I would be super aroused. I would ask her if she would be OK just giving me a hug while I masturbated, and not only was she OK with that, she was fascinated to watch! Her words were, "Are you serious? OMG I have always wondered how men do this! You sure you do not mind me watching? This will be fun!" So in that case, I was respecting that for whatever reason she was not aroused, but she still enjoyed me sharing my desire for her in a creative way.

Cheers, 
Badsanta


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
It seems to me that whether or not porn hurts her depends on her husbands use of it. If he is using it instead of being intimate with her, then it is hurting her and she should not "accept" it. If he is watching porn and complaining that she doesn't live up to what is on the screen, it is hurting her and she should not accept it. 

OTOH, if it is not interfering with their sex lives, then it seems the equivalent of his accepting that she masturbates with a vibrator. 

I think a lot of these discussions are driven by how differently people are affected / behave when watching porn. I like the alcohol analogy - some people can have a glass if wine with their partners over dinner, others end up on the street drinking out of a paper bag. 

A woman with an alcoholic husband might well be concerned when she hears someone else complaining about their husband's drinking.





always_alone said:


> Although I can't help but note that "great for both of you" involves her accepting, not caring, about her h's porn use. Because that's what it always boils down to here.


----------



## Phil Anders (Jun 24, 2015)

Azmamaof3 said:


> My husband and I have always had a great sex life. *When we were younger and before kids we did different things and experimented with different things.* We have always been active with it and used to typically have sex 4 times a week on average.
> 
> About a year and a half ago or so I found some porn on my husband's phone and confronted him about it. *He said he was simply watching it to get some different ways and ideas for us to try and that he was still very much aroused by me and still loved sex with me.* *So I let it go and found our sex life still very good.*
> 
> ...


Sounds like you went from sexually adventurous gf/newlywed to the hall monitor mom who's checking his phone all the time. He's told you what he gets from it, and that he's still aroused by you--and the continuing high frequency of sex bears this out. 

He clearly wants to involve you in his fantasies, yet you risk setting yourself up in opposition to them (as a scold) while ascribing his motivations to negative sources that fuel your own insecurities. You _assume _he's re-enacting porn scenes with you as placeholder, because you _assume _he isn't connected, and _assume _he isn't attracted to you. 

How do you gauge this connection, exactly? If there are rose petals on the bed and longing looks and ILY-so-much pillow talk, maybe it's obvious. But if that's what you rely on, consider that perhaps the "romantic" love-making dynamic that exemplifies "the same loving husband wife sexual connection" in your mind doesn't completely do it for him, at least not right now, or not all the time. 



> *My MIL is currently living with us, and we have an almost 3 month old. Plus our 3 year old still comes into our bed in the middle of the night.*


With a toddler constantly in your bed, a baby first on the way and now in a crib nearby, and MIL living with you full time, maybe he compensates for this emasculating(?) onslaught of domesticity and competition for your affections by craving more of the raw, wild side you say you explored when you were first married. 

I'd definitely communicate your concerns in a neutral way, and listen to his non-judgmentally as well. Communication is king. But I also think you should try co-opting/rolling with some of his kinkier appetites by setting yourself as their willing focus, before assuming that they come from a bad place (like porn addiction) and/or reflect negatively on you.


----------



## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> It seems to me that whether or not porn hurts her depends on her husbands use of it. If he is using it instead of being intimate with her, then it is hurting her and she should not "accept" it. If he is watching porn and complaining that she doesn't live up to what is on the screen, it is hurting her and she should not accept it.


Well, according to OP, it is affecting her sex life negatively.


----------



## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

badsanta said:


> If a husband found his wife to be sexually exhausted from watching porn, YES he should make it a point to care more about her feelings. Odds are she is using the porn as a way to escape from something, or she has a fantasy that she is too ashamed to discuss.


Well, given how upset most men get when sexually rejected or when having to put up with unenthusiastic starfish sex, I highly doubt that very many would react the way you suggest.

Maybe once. Or twice. But regularly?

It is awfully understanding of you that it doesn't concern you at all to have your partner disconnect into a fantasy world.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

always_alone said:


> It is awfully understanding of you that it doesn't concern you at all to have your partner disconnect into a fantasy world.


If a partner disconnected into a fantasy world, I would want to care about that and try to at least determine what is going on.


----------



## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

badsanta said:


> If a partner disconnected into a fantasy world, I would want to care about that and try to at least determine what is going on.


Err, yes, of course. You ask. They tell you. :scratchhead:

We must be talking past each other.

Of course you care. You just might not like the answer.


----------

