# where do I go from here?



## lost_february (Oct 4, 2010)

6 years ago, I took a new job 4 hours away. at the time, I'm not sure if my wife was pretending to be supportive and i didn't realize it, or if she was outwardly telling me not to take the job and I wasn't listening. regardless

I took the job, and lived with some friends in the city during the week, and travelled home on the weekends. she had our 2 kids at home, and she was working full time. that was tough for her, tough on her.

when I started this new job, I could tell she was a bit disconnected from me. as the first couple weeks passed, we came even more disconnected. fighting often. I would call home and a couple guys from her work would be over drinking at our place. I was tearing me apart. it still burns in my chest when I think about it.

I believe she started having an affair with at least one guy, there were mornings when I'd come home and he'd be sitting at our kitchen table drinking coffee. I think I went into some kind of denial, but as soon as I had a couple beer, it would come flying out. I was hurt, and angry, very angry

I eventually quit this new job, and came back home, and went into counselling for myself, she made me sleep on the couch for a couple nights. I focused on myself the first couple months I was back. I was depressed. slowly we started connecting again. we started having sex again maybe 6 months later, and she got pregnant. kid #3

she never did end up admitting anything to me, but I have enough evidence that I know it happened, and to this day we've never talked about it again. over the last 6 years there may have been a handful of times when I was drinking and i made a comment about it, but nothing of any significance. I make a concious decision not to talk about it, and not to be petty.

it still hurts though. and maybe one night every month or two I can't stop thinking about it, and I go sleep on the couch. she wakes up in the morning and asks why, and I just say I couldn't sleep...

I realize my trust for her has been broken, and I've read several articles that explain she must work extra hard to earn that back. and I think if she had, I would be able to move on from this 6 year old affair, but I can't. there aren't many weeks that go by that I dont think about it. and when I'm angry about something small, the memory of that affair seems to escalate my anger, even though its completely out of context. and then I look like an idiot because I freaking out about silly things...

One thing I think about is - would we be better off if we discussed what happened? I know it would be devastating to hear her tell me about it, but do I really need to hear the details to get over this heart ache?

And I guess the other obvious question is - is trust the main reason why I haven't gotten over this? I still can't trust her, and catch her in lies often, even little silly ones. I haven't caught her in any that lead me to believe she's in an affair, but just trust in general, I dont seem to trust her... at all

6 years frustrated. what to do? where to go from here?
any suggestions appreciated

tks


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You HAVE to talk about it.

What are you afraid of? That she will leave?

Seriously? She had 3 kids to take care of. She's not going to leave if you ask her what happened.

A marriage can't survive (at least not healthily) if both aren't completely honest.


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## lost_february (Oct 4, 2010)

I dont think I'm afraid of her leaving anymore, when this happened 6 years ago, it broke something in me, I dont care like I used to. and I dont think she'll talk about it or she'll lie. She doesn't like being confronted, and becomes very defensive 

I've tried to get us into counselling, she doesnt think we need it.

I'm sleeping on the couch tonight. I can't stand to be in bed beside her, it drives me crazy


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

dude you are being unfair to your wife. YOU CHOSE TO STAY AND CHOSE NOT TALK ABOUT IT! now you are punishing her for that choice. I agree with turnera, you need to talk about it and possible counselling for you both. She most likely will not bring it up because it is most likely an embarrassing moment for her. 

Get some counselling for both of you AND TELL HER WHY YOU NEED IT or your resentment will grow if you do not air this and settle it with your wife. 


It honestly sounds like you two have a good chance of working things out but you need to make the first move.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

lost_february said:


> I dont think I'm afraid of her leaving anymore, when this happened 6 years ago, it broke something in me, I dont care like I used to. and *I dont think she'll talk about it or she'll lie*. She doesn't like being confronted, and becomes very defensive
> 
> I've tried to get us into counselling, she doesnt think we need it.
> 
> I'm sleeping on the couch tonight. I can't stand to be in bed beside her, it drives me crazy


What you said is a DJ: Disrespectful Judgment. It means that YOU assume what another person will think or do.

The result is that you make BAD decisions based on BAD information.


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## lost_february (Oct 4, 2010)

Guys, thanks. I hear you both

I need to think about this for a bit.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you're not afraid of her leaving, then why don't you bring it up?


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> I realize my trust for her has been broken, and I've read several articles that explain she must work extra hard to earn that back. and I think if she had, I would be able to move on from this 6 year old affair, but I can't. there aren't many weeks that go by that I dont think about it. and when I'm angry about something small, the memory of that affair seems to escalate my anger, even though its completely out of context. and then I look like an idiot because I freaking out about silly things...


Analogy: you're driving down the road and a wheel flies off the car. You manage to pull over, and put it back on. Driving down the road, the wheel flies off again. You put it back on and continue. The problem is that unless you take the effort to find out WHY that wheel keeps coming off, it will just keep happening - until one time it causes a major accident, and the car is destroyed.

You should definitely talk to her about this. Primarily, this is an issue of forgiveness: you have not forgiven her, and as such, you maintain the ability to use the issue when things get painful or uncomfortable. So forgiving her would be your first step - once you make that decision you would place yourself ion the position of refusing to allow yourself to use it in those bad situations.

But then you need to open up to her how it hurt you: when you keep a part of yourself hidden from your spouse like this, you are, in effect, living a lie.

Ask yourself: how does this differ, in any meaningful way, from your spouse not telling you she was attracted to another man? In both instances, it is a pattern of concealing reality from your spouse. Not only that, but it is a concealing of something that is specifically affecting your marriage.

A marriage cannot coexist with resentment and be healthy. And an unhealthy marriage is one in which an affair is likely. 

I'll bet your wife is much more aware of this than you might realize. You write that it's been _6 years_ since the affair. And you hint that your trust for her is gone. Are you saying that over this 6 year span, she has shown you nothing trustworthy? Has she maintained a lifestyle of deception, hiding her relationships from you? Has she hidden her phone, password protected her email from you? 

In essence, there is work that must be done on your marriage - but it has to start with you, not her. If, after 6 years, you still are holding on to the pain of that affair, it is a direct sign that very little, if any, real work has been done on your marriage: it's almost like you just went back to 'the way things were.' 

And the wheel keeps coming off.....


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## lost_february (Oct 4, 2010)

Yeah, I get it. I am no further ahead, just a little thicker skinned I suppose.

I guess in a sense I am afraid I will leave if I confront her and this all comes out. I'm still really pissed.

And coincidentally I am in the process of applying for another job, so I am uprooting this, sub-conciously or not. Yes, it is high time.

I haven't really even grieved on this, I'm still really really REALLY pissed off.

This has helped, a lot

I dont think I can go through this without a counsellor, I'll freakin lose it. Need a mediator, this I know.


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## lost_february (Oct 4, 2010)

So I went to sleep in our bed tonight, and I asked her if she wanted to talk. She said yes, of course.

So I explained the whole thing, top to bottom. Things I haven't talked about in 6 years. how much it hurt, how angry I was, and still am. She acted surprised.

I told her I knew something happened, and I felt that I needed her to be honest with me so we could move on from it.

She continued to deny everything. We started to get into details, her making up excuses why she didn't come home on certain nights. why no one could confirm where she was at the time, etc.

I finally had to say "look, going back to the same arguments and excuses isn't going to fix this, I need you to be honest"

She asked what she was supposed to do if nothing really happened. I said unless you can prove that, this will be tragic, because I dont believe you.

She seemed really good to talk to about it, but would not admit anything, at all. I have about 15 specific examples of things that happened that she does not have a reasonable explanation for

Anyhow, we'll see where it goes from here. She asked if I wanted to see a marriage counsellor, like I haven't been asking to for the last 6 months...?

Thanks again for your support, and thank god for the internet. Guys like me would never talk to someone about this stuff. talking to a computer still somehow keeps my pride..


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

what about a lie detector test, if nothing happened it won't be a problem.......go to a marriage counsellor.......gut instincts are usually there for reason........
I went and my counsellor asked me if I was trying to make my husband pay somehow by not letting go of all the doubt I had about the affair........I said no I'm not like that .........and he said but that is what you are doing isn't it.........moving forward is a choice, finding the inner strength to believe in you and your wife is hard but the payoff is enormous..........you are making the choice for you and in return you will feel great about your self worth and your future happiness........


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ask her to take a polygraph. Tell her you will take one, too, but you won't stay married unless she does.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Doesnt anyone else smell something a little fishy here other than me? 

For example, you say 6 years ago that you suspected your wife had an affair, but the "evidence" is shaky at best. That is to say, there is no email that says "I love you" to another man or nude photos or thousands of texts. You had a job where you literally moved out Mon-Fri and came home Sat-Sun! So yeah during that time your wife disconnected somewhat because you were literally GONE. Yeah your wife had people over for a party or two and drinks were served. Yeah one person was too drunk to drive and stayed over for coffee. Those are actions that are certainly compromising, but also definitely not proof! Furthermore, you even say that you have 15 incidents that occurred for which she doesn't have a reasonable explanation. Reasonable TO WHO? You? The reason I ask is that I sit next to my Dear Hubby and work but I don't always keep track of every second of every day and who was there who could confirm that I was there... and I don't think most people live like that (i.e., who can confirm for me where they were 6 years ago and give me a name of someone who could confirm they really were there? Does that automatically mean you were having an affair?)

So based on what you've written I can't make the jump to the conclusion she did have an affair. That seems like an assumption to me--a BAD decision made from BAD information. 

Then what I do see is that for the past 6 years she hasn't been cruel, covered her phone or email usage, hasn't been secretive, etc. So even if we do make the leap to assume she did have an affair (which I'm just not convinced--I am convinced there are things that there are things that occurred 6 years ago that she can't explain), when you quit that "gone all week" job, she has not lived for the past 6 years like a disloyal. From what we can tell, she's been acting like normal--and trust me if she were disloyal you'd RECOGNIZE that behavior because it is exceedingly cruel, secretive, and dishonest. So for 6 years she's been a regular person/wife and you say you've caught her in little lies, yet I see you wrote yourself that if you have a couple beers, it all comes flying out. Here in writing in front of us, you let us know that in 6 years time you haven't let it go or forgiven her, and you still use it against her. And again I see other instances that tend to point to controlling behavior: 1) here in writing right in front of us you declared what she thought (turnera pointed that out as a DJ), 2) you said she didn't think you needed counseling and yet the minute you actually spoke to her (rather than keeping it in and not assuming) it was one of the first things she suggested, and 3) you stated that she denied but her explanations "were unreasonable"! 

What if you assumed they were true? Life isn't always "reasonable" and furthermore, she is a fully grown adult and your equal partner in marriage, not your child so she doesn't have to report to you to your satisfaction. I guess my trouble with all this is that little gut feeling I'm getting. This sounds controlling to me and I don't see very strong evidence that an affair even happened! I do see very strong evidence that she's been punished for it for 6 years though, so I'm just saying, something smells fishy here to me and I'll bet there are two sides to this story...two sides that are extremely different.

I'm more than willing to keep my mind open, but at this point it sounds to me like the issues here would be issues you'd need to work on lost_february: namely being able to forgive/let go and controlling behavior. Whether she had an affair or not, I'd say those are issues that are on your side of the street and those need to be your focus; meanwhile let your wife deal with her issues on her own. See, I'm not saying she doesn't have issues, but it seems to me to that if you know there are two things that are yours, that we could think about and talk about her all day long and she's not here. We can't "make" her change, but you CAN change YOU and you do have at least two issues I can see right here!

So that's just me. At this point I'd say focus on being able to forgive/let go and learning how to not be controlling.


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## lost_february (Oct 4, 2010)

..I suppose I may not have shared enough for your liking..
How about I found her journal 6 years (which I think she purposely left out on our bed so I would find, she never kept a journal before this) ago talking about how her marriage was falling apart but she didn't care, because she had this other guy. Or how I drove 2 hrs away to get my vw fixed, and decided to drive home that night unexpectedly, stopped at the end of our driveway (country road) and this guy happened to pull up, slow down, then speed away. How's that for timing? He has his own company logo on his truck.
Or that the first time we had sex after all this, I got really sick and started showing genital warts 6 weeks later.
Or maybe it was the ppv movies rented during nights when she had him over that I found on the sat bill.
Or possibly his cousin that was good friends with my wife that won't talk to us anymore since. Refuses to even look at me, like what did I do?
Or when she went to the movie theatre in a town an hour away and then out for drinks with him? Or maybe it was early on when I didn't know it was happening and I accidentally caught them playing footsies under the table? And then there's guy #2, that started calling at 2am drunk when I moved back home, and as I passed the phone to my wife, I could hear him telling my wife that she ruined his marriage...?
I did spend some time thinking I was controlling, I think that's what kept me in denial, not to mention that she played on that, and DID admit to that last night of all things...
No, I've spent 6 years thinking about this, months in counselling myself, I don't believe that my suspicions are unfounded, and I appreciate the devils advocate side, I usually play that quite well.
I am much stronger in my beliefs than I was 6 years ago, and more confident in my feelings. I am not controlling.
I will continue to ask for the truth, that is all I can do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BlueEyedBeauty (Sep 27, 2010)

_*Advise Given By: Cynthriaa​*_
I am sorry very sorry, to say this​But you, were very unfair to your loving wife; for living her for a job that would keep her husband away for the whole week and only comes back for the two days. You, should have known yourself that this really was not a job for you to be taking. Yes, I know you had to work- but you did not have to act on this job that you did. The type of job you have take was one you would do if you were single and not with anyone.​
Now, say if she was the one who done this​You, also would be hurt. You did not put your wives feelings into this- yes, you said you asked her. But you know maybe it is she knew- it would not matter how she felt about it becaus you were going to be taking the job one way or another. What you, should have done was move to the place where you, would of had your family with you. Then you would 
have to be wondering if she was cheating on you...

:scratchhead:
I know though myself- I hate being alone​When it becomes night-time your wife may have felt the same way and wanted someone there with her; where she would have felt like she was safe from harm and she was lonely. It really does not mean she was cheating on you. She could have even thought the same about you. It would have been really easy for you as well, to have a women on the side when you working away from home​
I am glad though you do not work there​Anymore, so you did know it was something that would break up your marriage which it really would have done so... Now, your wife she could have just been really upset with you was the reason on why, she did not want you into the bedroom with her and also was the reason why, she cut you off. Then again you might be right- I want to say- this though maybe the new baby will bring the two closer together. I do hope you, find out the answers you are looking for and whatever you keep your marriage alive​


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## BlueEyedBeauty (Sep 27, 2010)

turnera said:


> You HAVE to talk about it.
> 
> What are you afraid of? That she will leave?
> 
> ...




You are so right with what you have written here.​It really does take two to make a marriage workout and also how would a marriage surive any if they are hididng things from each other. Or even just the one. He really does need to go to the wife and ask what happened. If he feels something took place he needs to open up about it. He needs for her to how much he is hurting and what it did to him when he seen the guy sitting there drinking coffee.​


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