# How can we reconcile if I'm angry at him all the time?



## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

I discovered my WH's infidelity (massage parlors, drunk female friend hookups, sex forums, sexting) about 2 weeks after we got married on 9/1/12 (yes, that's right... 2 weeks). Long story short: life exploded, he became extremely religious and began seeing multiple counselors weekly (as did I). He's begging for a chance and says he will do anything I ask (yeah, right!). I haven't filed for divorce yet because I'm in the "fog" and am trying to clear my head before I do anything drastic. I went through the 5 stages pretty fast... but I'm starting to feel and see things about my WH that I was completely blind to before I married him. And anything.. I mean anything... will set me off. I lose it, and I explode at him. 

For example, everytime I look at him, I think he's just stupid. As in, his IQ is that of a bug. He was stupid enough to make decisions which would ruin his life and his marriage, he doesn't think about the consequences of his actions, he doesn't have common sense, etc. For the day to day stuff: he doesn't know anyting about current events, says he likes certain political plans yet doesn't know anything about it, he can't spell, he comes home from his part-time job at Costco and complains that he had to use his "brain" at work while signing up a new member (I have a job where I use my brain everyday). The fact that he's complaining about that to me is just ridiculous. I just think everything he does is STUPID. I even saw his college transcript full of Cs, Ds, and Fs (he dropped out of college), which confirms he's DUMB. 

What set me off this past weekend is he discussed my personal tax returns with his work friends. I lost it. I yelled, screamed, insulted him, told him he's a moron, etc. I couldn't believe he had the nerve to blab my personal financial situation to his stupid work friends. He said he didn't think it was something that should remain private. How could he possibly think that????? Because he's STUPID. He retreated and said he was sorry and left me alone. 

Here's my question: Is it normal to feel these things after being cheated on?? I feel like I'm going back and forth between the "acceptance" and the "anger" stages. I look at him in a totally different way now! He's just a dumb idiot guy that I married and I'm ashamed I married someone so stupid! It's very confusing to me! Did anyone else feel this way?


----------



## brokenhearted2 (Aug 23, 2012)

Victim789 said:


> I discovered my WH's infidelity (massage parlors, drunk female friend hookups, sex forums, sexting) about 2 weeks after we got married on 9/1/12 (yes, that's right... 2 weeks). Long story short: life exploded, he became extremely religious and began seeing multiple counselors weekly (as did I). He's begging for a chance and says he will do anything I ask (yeah, right!). I haven't filed for divorce yet because I'm in the "fog" and am trying to clear my head before I do anything drastic. I went through the 5 stages pretty fast... but I'm starting to feel and see things about my WH that I was completely blind to before I married him. And anything.. I mean anything... will set me off. I lose it, and I explode at him.
> 
> For example, everytime I look at him, I think he's just stupid. As in, his IQ is that of a bug. He was stupid enough to make decisions which would ruin his life and his marriage, he doesn't think about the consequences of his actions, he doesn't have common sense, etc. For the day to day stuff: he doesn't know anyting about current events, says he likes certain political plans yet doesn't know anything about it, he can't spell, he comes home from his part-time job at Costco (he's also a fireman) and complains that he had to use his "brain" at work while signing up a new member (I'm a lawyer). I just think everything he does is STUPID. I even saw his college transcript full of Cs, Ds, and Fs (he dropped out of college), which confirms he's DUMB.
> 
> ...


Why did you marry him? Did he have any redeeming traits prior to your discovery that he's a cheat? I guess I would go for an annulment or something quick- it sounds like you not only don't love him, but don't like him even. Can't say I blame you! Good luck! Oh to answer your question, I was very mad sad hurt upon discovering my H 's EA, but I only thought he was naive and clueless in that one area, not realizing the thin ice he was skating on, but I never felt he was an idiot in any other area of his life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

It sounds like he's the victim now. Your abusive and demeaning ways certainly are not conducive to R.

What does him complaining about signing up a new member at work have to do with you being a lawyer? Do you throw that in his stupid face as well?


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Surviving infidelity is incredible hard, but not impossible.

Stupid can't be fixed. If that's a deal breaker, bail.


----------



## John2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

Thoreau said:


> It sounds like he's the victim now. Your abusive and demeaning ways certainly are not conducive to R.
> 
> What does him complaining about signing up a new member at work have to do with you being a lawyer? Do you throw that in his stupid face as well?


I'm also in the same boat. What can I do to avoid being abusive and demeaning ways? I can't sympathize with what happened to me, I mean, during cheating phase, I was abused and demeaned?? Just need advise how to handle R phase knowing all the A details?


----------



## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

Thoreau said:


> It sounds like he's the victim now. Your abusive and demeaning ways certainly are not conducive to R.
> 
> What does him complaining about signing up a new member at work have to do with you being a lawyer? Do you throw that in his stupid face as well?


Yes I did. I have to use my brain every day and for him to complain about it for one day is ridiculous to me. I can't believe he thinks that way about work. Its shameful.

I also feel that he deserves every bit of what he's getting. Its amazing, but I just don't care anymore. I don't care if I hurt his feelings, I don't care if he walks away, I just don't care. I never felt like this before but after all his betrayal and lies, its like he just killed the love. I don't know how to explain it... it just died. I'm trying to see if I can get it back, but its so hard with all these negative thoughts of him. I'm trying to put it aside, but I need tips on how to do that! Help!


----------



## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

It's hard NOT to be angry when you first learn of the betrayal, or when you are trickle truthed more details and have to be angry all over again.

Anger is a part of the process of recovery. In my case I was shocked, then depressed, THEN I got angry. After getting angry (I still am to a certain extent) - I started feeling better. Hopefully, the anger will eventually subside completely and I'll be able to move on as a normal (i.e. as "normal" as I can be) person.

Having said that, it sounds like you simply don't like your husband very much. It's one thing to be angry at his lies, and his character - but when you start to belittle things which he can't really help - then like the other posters, I wonder what you saw in him to get married?

Since it WAS such a short term marriage, maybe you should seek an annulment, if that's possible.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I remember your original thread. The details were very damning. His behavior was deal-breaking, in my opinion.

It sounds like what he did has killed any kindness, tenderness, or empathy you felt for him before you discovered his betrayals. His transgressions are so over the top that you must have been immediately asking yourself whether you ever knew him at all. And now you're getting to know what you think is the real 'him' & you don't much like what that is.

He degraded you and now you're degrading him.

This is not at all a healthy dynamic for any kind of relationship, no less a fragile attempt to reconcile a new marriage.


----------



## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

Victim789 said:


> I discovered my WH's infidelity (massage parlors, drunk female friend hookups, sex forums, sexting) about 2 weeks after we got married on 9/1/12 (yes, that's right... 2 weeks). Long story short: life exploded, he became extremely religious and began seeing multiple counselors weekly (as did I). He's begging for a chance and says he will do anything I ask (yeah, right!). I haven't filed for divorce yet because I'm in the "fog" and am trying to clear my head before I do anything drastic. I went through the 5 stages pretty fast... but I'm starting to feel and see things about my WH that I was completely blind to before I married him. And anything.. I mean anything... will set me off. I lose it, and I explode at him.
> 
> For example, everytime I look at him, I think he's just stupid. As in, his IQ is that of a bug. He was stupid enough to make decisions which would ruin his life and his marriage, he doesn't think about the consequences of his actions, he doesn't have common sense, etc. For the day to day stuff: he doesn't know anyting about current events, says he likes certain political plans yet doesn't know anything about it, he can't spell, he comes home from his part-time job at Costco (he's also a fireman) and complains that he had to use his "brain" at work while signing up a new member (I'm a lawyer). I just think everything he does is STUPID. I even saw his college transcript full of Cs, Ds, and Fs (he dropped out of college), which confirms he's DUMB.
> 
> ...


Yes, it is normal to vacillate emotionally as you are doing after learning of infidelities. 

If you loved him for who he was, prior, you have now lost respect for him after learning of his infidelities. 

Now, every thing he does makes you angry. It's normal.

If not addressed, however, it will prevent healing. You need to get counseling, if you want to save the marriage.

I agree with Alte Dame though. Seems like there was a lot of damage to get past.


----------



## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Are you living together under the same roof? Does he know you feel this way about him? If he did Im sure he wouldnt want to reconcile and since you dont care, its a win win situation for both of you, huh?


----------



## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

Thank you Alte Dame. I think you hit the nail on the head. You're good with words.  This situation definitely sucks. I wonder if there's any way for it to be healed.. ? Or maybe I should just give up...


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

(Although I will offer the tiniest, measliest defense of your WH when I say that not being able to spell a language like English, with its highly irregular system, doesn't correlate with intelligence. :-/ Not that anything really gets him off the hook, of course....)


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Victim789 said:


> This situation definitely sucks. I wonder if there's any way for it to be healed.. ? Or maybe I should just give up...


Given what he did, do you have any feelings of love for him?

Remember that many people go through a form of PTSD after learning of infidelity. What you discovered must have completely reordered your universe, it was so out-of-the-blue and extreme - almost like your H had two completely different lives. So, your dislocation is probably also extreme.

I would think you would want to give yourself a lot of time away from him to help you come to terms with everything (and I do mean everything, because you have to understand things about yourself, about him, and about the two of you together).


----------



## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

I guess I still love him... kind of. I guess. hehe, not too convincing am I? Maybe I still don't know? If I still love him, I definitely don't love him as much as I did before all of this. 

We're separated and he lives with his family now. We've been communicating via phone. But you're right: I will distance myself from him more and cut communication. It's better that way.


----------



## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

*Victim:*

My W has been extremely angry at me - w/ good reason.

However, she hasn't questioned my intelligence (though I definitely have - it takes an idiot to do what I've done). Although she has gone for the jugular and said some untrue, hurtful things in our past arguments, in our discussions about the things I've done to destroy our marriage, she has managed to confine her criticisms to the pertinent subject(s).

But she's not a lawyer, I'm relatively intelligent, and I have a fairly decent command of the language. 

I cen speil gud, two.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

One more comment V789 - I work daily with people who have learning challenges & I'm getting some whiffs of dyslexia or ADD with what you're saying about your H. (His impulsive behavior is also a potential flag.) Many people with these issues are very intelligent, but perform poorly in standard schools.

On a different note, if there's to be any consideration of R after the scope of what you discovered, you should first do serious checking that he isn't continuing his behavior. You don't just turn around what he was doing in a few months.


----------



## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

Ahhh.. dyslexia or ADD... That might be a possibility. He certainly doesn't think before he does things. It's like he doesn't have the capability to foresee potential repercussions of his actions. 

I have been monitoring his actions like a hawk: tacking his emails, cell phone, texts, parental controls on his computer, etc. Part of me is angry that this is my life now: checking, being a spy, and being a parent to him. I also told him that I plan to polygraph him at any time without advance notice to keep him in check, and he must submit to it. He agreed.


----------



## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Victim789 said:


> Ahhh.. dyslexia or ADD... That might be a possibility. He certainly doesn't think before he does things. It's like he doesn't have the capability to foresee potential repercussions of his actions.


*"ADD made me do it"*...that's the ticket! 
After reading up on it a while back, I self-diagnosed myself w/ AAAD (everything fits), but I don't think my W is gonna give me a pass on that.

Seriously - good job on setting up your surveillance. I know it sucks that you're having to do this, but if there is any chance for R, you'll definitely have to be assured his cheating behavior has stopped. 

I truly wish that I had been "found out" five years ago. Even if it had been a "deal-breaker" at the time, at least I wouldn't have had the unfettered opportunity to continue hurting a very faithful woman, and she could've moved on much sooner.

Good luck to you, *V789* - whatever path this takes.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

The ADD or dyslexia comment has to do with OP's comments about his intelligence, not his outsized betrayal of her.


----------



## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> The ADD or dyslexia comment has to do with OP's comments about his intelligence, not his outsized betrayal of her.


Understood, aD - I was being a bit flip


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Victim789 said:


> I have been monitoring his actions like a hawk: tacking his emails, cell phone, texts, parental controls on his computer, etc. Part of me is angry that this is my life now: checking, being a spy, and being a parent to him. I also told him that I plan to polygraph him at any time without advance notice to keep him in check, and he must submit to it. He agreed.


I reread your original thread & really need to very seriously ask whether you want to continue with this life. If you are trying to decide whether to reconcile, the first step is what you are doing, I think, i.e., monitoring to ensure that he is telling the truth now.

But his behavior was almost pathological, in my opinion, in the sense that he had an aggressively active second life and second self that was a blatant betrayal of his vows of fidelity to you. The disconnect was so huge that you will have to monitor carefully for life. 

I'm sure you're considering that. Right now, I imagine that you have a multitude of conflicting feelings - love, anger, outrage and disbelief at the betrayal, feeling that he is pathetic, despair that your life has become this.

Try to look down the road & ask yourself where you see yourself in five years. How do you want your life to be? Take some time to process & please, please don't settle. They say that real love is a gift and is worth fighting for, but your H is offering you a pretty damaged love.


----------



## Anenome (Nov 3, 2012)

I suspect that you always knew that he was stupid, but that you overlooked it because you thought he treated you well, or was loyal, or whatever. Now that his horrible behaviors have been exposed, and he effectively has no "good side" (at least not one that you can trust isn't a lie), there is no compelling reason for you to accept and overlook his flaws.


----------



## heartbroken3 (Jan 3, 2013)

I'm soo scared this is how our marriage will turn out. I just found out last night that my now husband cheated on me 3 years ago before we were married but while we were living together. My whole world is turned upside down and now I just look at his in disgust! I'm sooo disgusted and angry! How do you reconcile when you feel this way is it possible!!?


----------



## John2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

heartbroken3 said:


> I'm soo scared this is how our marriage will turn out. I just found out last night that my now husband cheated on me 3 years ago before we were married but while we were living together. My whole world is turned upside down and now I just look at his in disgust! I'm sooo disgusted and angry! How do you reconcile when you feel this way is it possible!!?


I'm in the same anger phase and I'm just trying to control my anger. I know I'll yell/scream and get angry very soon for my WW and I don't know how to control myself. So you're not alone. I hear you but I'm helpless !!!


----------



## John2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

heartbroken3 said:


> I'm soo scared this is how our marriage will turn out. I just found out last night that my now husband cheated on me 3 years ago before we were married but while we were living together. My whole world is turned upside down and now I just look at his in disgust! I'm sooo disgusted and angry! How do you reconcile when you feel this way is it possible!!?


I don't know whether this is helpful but I went to IC and I talked about my anger. I told the counselor that I found that if I give more time for processing the anger then compared to sudden out-burst, I've better control over my negative emotions. 

Now a days, whenever I'm angry, I don't talk for about half-an hour or I don't send any email/text reply soon. I take time to process my anger and then I found that I'm more confident in handling my anger/yelling/screaming emotions. 

So in-short, do some self-probing and you may find a solution which will work best for you.


----------



## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

Hi Everyone, 

I want to thank everyone for thier thoughtful posts. They have really helped me. Heartbroken3, looks like we are in the same boat (along with John2012). We pretty much have the same experiences. 

As an update, I haven't spoken to my H since Christmas Eve. He wanted to spend Christmas and New Year's with me, but I thought it was best if we separate and I cut communication for awhile, while I figure my life out. Alte Dame, I really take heed to your comments. I have been taking a lot of time to self-reflect and I am (very slowly) coming to see that life without my H is possible and there might be happiness down the road somewhere - it might not be the life I had envisioned before, but its there somewhere. 

I am taking steps to make changes in my life for myself. Before we got married, I moved to a town far away from my family, but closer to my H's family. I have nothing in this town: no friends, no family, etc. Now, I am looking at moving back to a location closer to my family. I haven't even told my H that I'm planning to sell my home. I'm just going to do it because its what I want to do to make myself happier. If we end up working out (which I seriously doubt), he'll have to sacrifice and move to my town. 

Right now, I'm focusing on myself. I feel myself slooooowly regaining my independence. Perhaps a bit more time will get me to the right place!!! Here's to a new year... Here's to happiness once again! Thank you everyone!~


----------



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

John2012 said:


> I'm also in the same boat. What can I do to avoid being abusive and demeaning ways? I can't sympathize with what happened to me, I mean, during cheating phase, I was abused and demeaned?? Just need advise how to handle R phase knowing all the A details?


I can relate..with H's EA he met her in Singapore and she was a Filipino woman..sometimes I think to myself what a stupid idiot he is for thinking that this woman who he only knew for 6 weeks for so in love with him...hmmmm and the fact she wanted to move to Canada had nothing to do with it??

I feel the same way...almost like a loss of respect??


----------



## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

You can't truly reconcile if you're feeling contempt or if you're feeling desperation; both are reactionary and you'll just end up rug sweeping instead of solving your problems. You need time to figure things out.

I don't think your feelings of contempt are unusual. You've been hurt deeply by his behavior and it really was foolish and immature behavior. You're seeing a side of him that you hadn't before. He has faults, glaringly big ones that you overlooked or didn't think would matter. Your contempt is helping you detach and distance yourself. 

I think you probably need to tune him out for a while and heal and just be willing to see him as he actually is -- foolish and stupid sometimes, loving and intense at others. You don't want to go from one extreme to the other. See the whole picture clearly so that you can decide with logic instead of emotion.

I find it interesting that he has become suddenly religious and like a poster-child for reform. He gets that he screwed up, but hasn't analyzed it beyond his repentance, I imagine. He hasn't fully grasped the subtlety of his behavior and is in as much of a fog as you, I bet. Let the dust settle so you can feel better about your decisions when you make them with a clear head and feel at peace with them.

Don't beat yourself up about your feelings. Just make sure you're not being abusive toward him, even if he is an idiot.

I sympathize. My stbxh cheated all through our marriage. It makes you feel robbed of newlywed bliss, doesn't it? I wish I'd caught it two weeks in rather than one year in. Maybe you guys will have a chance to fix things, either together or apart. Good Luck.


----------



## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Counseling wi help you get your anger under control and sort through your feelings. If you can afford it, I recommend it.

Having a second secret life is a big issue. If that's what your husband fid, he ought to be in counseling, too. You do need distance to figure out how well you knew him. I imagine that your feelings now are your shield, a way for you to step far enough back to re-evaluate.

Giving in to your anger and negativity and becoming abusive will only ruin you, so I suggest talking to someone who can help you a little.

If you want some levity, try watching "The Exterminators" a terrible movie, but funny, about a women's anger management group which is full of scorned women, some who get over it and some who go postal.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

An annulment would be worth looking at, I feel.


----------



## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

Moxy, good comments, thank you. I am actually seeing two counselors on my own... just for me to figure out how to cope with this. My WH is also seeing a counselor, and he is now going to a sex addicts group. 

I have definitely distanced myself from him. I haven't seen or spoken to him since christmas eve and I'm really proud of myself for that.  There's times when I miss him, but I think about what he did and I realize this time apart is necessary.. not just for me, but for him. He needs to realize that this behavior caused me to disappear from his life. 

MattMatt, I have looked at an annulment but in my state, i'd have to do a trial on it and i really dont want to put myself through a trial. I'd rather just be done with it and move on.. you know?


----------



## forevermemorable (Oct 19, 2012)

I have been away from this forum for several months. Your worries frustrations, anger, resentment, bitterness, etc. is normal! Who in this forum has not gone through any of these? Who in life has not gone through these things? I think we are all guilty. I am dealing with a client of mine who refuses to pay me my $3,000 invoice and says I only deserve $2,000 and that is what he sent me a check for. Now it is up to me to haul him down to small claims court and sue him (which I do not want to do...a lot of time, energy, and frustrations). But now I am filled with anger and resentment. My thoughts are filled with revenge. Is this normal? Yes! Should I act upon these emotions? Well, I am going to have to act upon them whether I like it or not. Let me explain...I have to either say to myself cold turkey, "I am not going to take revenge out on this guy." That is one option...call it suppression...I can suppress my feelings. But in reality, this does not deal with the wrong that have been done. However, there is another option for me...I can take it to the Lord in prayer. The Lord has told me to trust in Him with all of my heart, soul, mind, and strength. He has also told me to trust in Him with all of my heart and not to lean on my own understanding. He has also told me to cast all of my cares, frustrations, worries, anxieties upon Him, because He wants to give me peace in my heart so I don't have to live a life of fear, frustration, anger, etc. And I don't want to live life that way. Is this surrendering over to the Lord a one shot deal? By no means! We wrestle with this sometimes on a daily basis.

But you and I and all of us need to be still and know that God is God and we are not God. God loves us, cares for us, and wants what is best for us at all times. He will not control us, but love on us and provide the means of escape during our trials and tribulations...which is where you are at right now with your husband.

Your emotions are normal under the circumstances...very warranted. But you have a choice to hold onto them and let those feelings rob you and devoid you of who you are or you can take them to the Lord in prayer. You tell God in prayer how you feel. Be honest with Him...tell Him everything about how you feel. Its not like He doesn't know, but its the thought about being transparent with Him. And ask Him to change your heart so that you don't remain bitter and resentful at your husband. Ask Him to change your heart and He will. We are told in the Bible that we have not, because we ask not.

I know there are many more challenges that lie ahead of you with regards to your husband. Many more challenges that are going to test you, try you, challenge you, but you don't have to fight this battle...let God go before you and fight this for you. You will be surprised when God guides, He provides...provides you with peace, answers, and joy.

I know that many in this forum would disagree with my counsel and I am not trying to appeal to them, but I know where you are coming from and where you are at. I know that God wants to do great and wonderful things in and through your life, because you are His child and He is your Father and He looks down on your with delight.

I leave you with this passage of Scriptures that was laid heavy on my heart to share with you...John 14:27, "Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."


----------

