# Not sure what to think...Input Please



## MaryX (Sep 27, 2011)

My husband and I have been married 10 months now I'm 40 and he is 50 and there are things I don't understand. When we first got married he told me about an old friend from another area where he had lived. He told me all about her and her husband and all. He told me she is this big corporate attorney and this and that. And how her and her husband both were his good friends. Come to find out with just a little research she is a legal assistant that is 28 years old. Now that I looked into that a bit harder he and she calls and text each other like 50 to 60 in like a two day time frame (But only when he is out of town working) And every time he is out of town. I guess what I am wondering is to start off why blow her up to be something she is not...and second if she was such a great friend wouldn't they talk from time to time even if a call happened to come in when I'm around?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Eh. This doesn't look good. Sounds like an emotional affair at minimum.

Have you asked him why he's in touch with her so often? I would actually gather more info before confronting him...


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

agreed with Jellybean, don't look good: seems like he is gaslighting you on the nature of his relationship with her - telling you she has a very demanding career that requires responsibility and little time for friendships, not telling you the extent of their communications, and keeping their relationship apart from you - definitely red flags of an EA.


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## MaryX (Sep 27, 2011)

Well back last month he had been out of town for the week and the next afternoon a text came through on his phone and he would not look at it. Long story short I got the change to look and it was from this same woman and the message said "Do you miss me yet" I lost it at that point. We ended up in a big fight. He was just out of town again and there was over 60 phone calls and texts. in three day's and the funny thing is he talks to me just as much when he is out of town. BTW she to is married, should contact her husband? I told my husband I would do it if this did not stop. I would not talk to a man behind his back and I won't put up with him doing it to me.


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## loveiswhereiamnot (Jul 8, 2011)

You might want to gather more info, get a keylogger on his phone if you can so you can see the messages. If he talks to her only when out of town, can you put a VAR in his suitcase or some other place? Once you have hard evidence of an EA, then definitely contact the OWH as well as confront your H.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Yes expose this to the OWH but make sure you have some black and white proof to offer, maybe the cell phone log.
Keep in mind that there is a good chance that the OW has warned her H about "some crazy jealous women that might contact him" hence the proof.

There is two points of though in doing this, 1. it makes the affair more inconvienent and uncomortable as possible. 2. adding support from OWH in preventing it from continueing on the other end.

OWH can do his part on keeping tabs on the OW(his W), while you do your part on keeping tabs on your H. So yes expose this to OWH.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

MaryX said:


> BTW she to is married, should contact her husband? I told my husband I would do it if this did not stop. I would not talk to a man behind his back and I won't put up with him doing it to me.





loveiswhereiamnot said:


> You might want to gather more info, get a keylogger on his phone if you can so you can see the messages. If he talks to her only when out of town, can you put a VAR in his suitcase or some other place? Once you have hard evidence of an EA, then definitely contact the OWH as well as confront your H.


BINGO.

Get more evidence. Make copies/keep copies of the call logs and texts and even the solid proof of what they are saying back and forth. Then once you have your evidence, WITHOUT A DOUBT, contact her husband and expose the affair to him, too. He has a right to know. And stop giving your husband a heads up that you are planning to do this. Don't mention it to him again. Why? Because that gives him and her enough time to get their stories straight and make YOU out to look like the psycho in the story who is jilted and in a bad marraige so she (you) automatically assume he's scheming/doing dirt. And they will do this if you give them warning. In fact, they've already prob tried to corroborate their stories...

Example: "If your husband finds out or if my wife tells me, we can say we're JUST FRIENDS and just talking about work stuff, blah blah blah." Bet money it on, baby!

Get your evidence, keep it, and hit the OW's husband with it.

Oh, you may want to move this to the Coping with Infidelity forums. You will get a lot more responses as it's more relevant to your topic.


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## MaryX (Sep 27, 2011)

I do have cell logs. It shows both phone numbers time of call and how long. Not what they say but. As far as a keylogger how do I get that and is there any for free. He checks our account ALL the time. and another question. I know her husbands full name and their home address ALL her phone numbers (cell,work and home) but I cannot find a cell number or e-mail address for him. I have looked all over the net. I cannot get money at this time without my husband knowing.


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## loveiswhereiamnot (Jul 8, 2011)

I never got to play spy with my xH, he told me about his EA ongoing, I told him to get out. The End.

I hope someone will come by with a specific recommendation, but you can install a keylogger on his cell phone, and they do have free ones, I just don't know which ones are good. Can you get ahold of his cell phone for a a few minutes, long enough to download and install something? Some of them will also send you copies of all of his texts, but not sure there's a free version of that that will hide well on the phone.

If he syncs his cell phone with a computer, you can get his log from that, if there are older text messages, which may or may not be if he's been deleting them all along.

A VAR can be purchased at Wal-mart or Targeet, I believe, so may a trip to buy some other items would cover that over?

you need the hard evidence, otherwise you'll be gaslighted and told it's nothing, you're paranoid, blah, blah. All designed to make you think you're crazy and question your own ability to perceive rightly.

Once you get that far, I do have a Spokeo paid account, so if you pm me, I an try that and see if it will show anything there. If you know the home address, you might be able to do a reverse lookup for the home number. Or maybe you can find him on Facebook?


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## MaryX (Sep 27, 2011)

Thank you for all the info I will look into what I can come up with and get back asap


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Why should you sneak around, MaryX, and play 'spy'? I know you can see what's right there in front of you. Your husband is crossing the line, period. Speak openly to him, tell him you'll have no more of it, and give him the chance to stop. You'll know, soon enough if he honours your wishes...without bothering with all the spy-games, which are just energy sapping wastes of time.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> Why should you sneak around, MaryX, and play 'spy'? I know you can see what's right there in front of you. Your husband is crossing the line, period. Speak openly to him, tell him you'll have no more of it, and give him the chance to stop. You'll know, soon enough if he honours your wishes...without bothering with all the spy-games, which are just energy sapping wastes of time.


I'll tell you exactly why

he will lie, and gaslight her and then convince her it's nothing and make her feel bad for snooping

she needs solid evidence to confront


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Mary what type of phone does he have?


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## HappyAtLast (Jan 25, 2010)

Whoa, this brings back some very unpleasant memories for me...my H had an EA with a woman 28 years younger than him. At first, he would just barely mention that he had to talk to her because she worked at the help desk....and then when I saw the cell phone log with all the calls and texts, I knew it was more than a "working" relationship..of course it was all my fault..according to him.
After I found out about the EA, we fought constantly and then he moved out..I couldn't take it anymore. Eventually, he came to his senses, and of course found out she was(is) a real nut job and a stalker.
We're back together, but it hasn't been that easy..it's taking time.
You need to gather all the evidence you can and then throw it in his lap...be prepared for a lot of blameshifting, finger pointing, etc. 
Good luck..I wish you all the best, whatever you decide to do.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> I'll tell you exactly why
> 
> he will lie, and gaslight her and then convince her it's nothing and make her feel bad for snooping
> 
> she needs solid evidence to confront


Oh, I don't know...maybe you're right, but usually, women just KNOW...and the only reason to 'feel bad for snooping' is when you snoop and find nothing. If you find something, then there's no reason to feel bad, is there?

All she needs is the strength to walk away from this crap. She already knows that there's an inappropriate relationship going on right under her nose...really, what more evidence is required?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> Oh, I don't know...maybe you're right, but usually, women just KNOW...and the only reason to 'feel bad for snooping' is when you snoop and find nothing. If you find something, then there's no reason to feel bad, is there?
> 
> All she needs is the strength to walk away from this crap. She already knows that there's an inappropriate relationship going on right under her nose...really, what more evidence is required?



Candie after having been on infidelity forums for 16 months I can tell you with certainty that approaching it this way never leads to the truth, and the truth is what she needs to make a stand


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> Candie after having been on infidelity forums for 16 months I can tell you with certainty that approaching it this way never leads to the truth, and the truth is what she needs to make a stand


I agree with you somewhat, BUT....50/60 calls/texts is enough evidence for me. But then, I'm not the one in denial over what's going on, here.

I've been in Mary's shoes, too. I was so consumed with gathering evidence, and I made myself sick to my stomach trying figure out ways to spy so I could get to the truth. Cutesy texts between them arranging to meet wasn't enough for me then, because I was in complete denial over what was going on. 

All I'm getting at is the truth is already right there, it's whether or not she chooses to see it or not...once the sees the light, it'll again be her choice whether to put up with it or walk away.

All that being said, it is nice to gain other people's perspective on all of this. Everyday is for learning!


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## loveiswhereiamnot (Jul 8, 2011)

Candie, the other part is if she is going to send the info on to the OWH, yoiu do need some really concrete stuff or OW will deny, call her crazy, then your dignity is further insulted with the lying.

If you just want to leave and not look back, then you're right, no need for evidence at all, just end it. That's what I did. But for me, it was the second EA, and I just wasn't in the mood to try and R or even talk to him. Most people aren't there and want to give their M a chance or at least have enough time to figure out if they want to give it a shot or not.


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