# Sooo tired of the BS!!



## NIGHTNURE101 (Nov 14, 2011)

So my husband has been having an EA for 2years. I Confronted him when I first found out about it 2yrs ago and he as denied the relationship. However 2 nights a week he does not come home. He Claims he is out drinking and will not drive so he sleeps in his truck! I have heard messages left on his phone from her, he has bought a private phone for her to call/text him. I know a lot about this OW, where she lives works etc, I have found cards she gave him telling him he is the best thing ever happened to her. My WS has assured me on many occasions the affair is over and I always somehow find clues that indicate differently. When confronted he tries to accuse ME of having affairs with HIS friend which is just crazy!!! I have been really trying to make this work. We gave 2 kids 5-10. I personally think he is a poor example of a husband. I have no one to talk to I talk to his mom who begs for me not to give up as she fears he would hurt himself if things don't work out. This past Sunday night 
he was out never came home. He called the house at 8am I didnt 
answer however the machine picked up and I overheard a 
conversation he was having with his mistress! At the end of which 
she says I LOVE YOU to him and he says IF YOU SAY SO.I could tell by the noise in the background he was by her job. I really got angry 
and let him have it after ignoring his calls for a while. I told him I 
would file for divorce. I have not spoken to him since he comes 
home. I am so hurt and I feel this marriage is dead. He never sees
that. I know I can't afford to maintain the household alone we 
bought a house 2 yrs ago. The house is only in my name which he also gets mad about but we discussed It before we purchased. I am 
not rue where to turn. Any advice welcome.


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## Gunthar (Sep 2, 2012)

Sorry to hear of your marital problems but having a ongoing PA is a marriage dealbreaker for most people.

Let me suggest reading the various forums here on people that have gone thru infidelity and how to deal with it as well as divorce.

I would begin doing a 180 now in preparation for your divorce. The experienced folks on this site may tell you to focus on yourself. Get yourself into a good place (self-esteem, get yourself into shape, do things for yourself).


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

You have to throw him out! Do not listen to his mum, she first and foremost only has her son's best interests. Yours are not at the top of her list. 

There are ways to keep the house going. Lodgers? And if not, is a house really worth all the pain he puts you through? I doubt it! 

Get out of there (the relationship) before you crumble. Or even worse, before you accept that this is your marriage and end up sticking with it. Your children will learn how a marriage works by you two. Do you want this for your children?


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## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

I'm sorry to hear of your situation and your pain. You have come to the right place however.Here you will get sensible advice and people to talk to who understand what you are going through. You are fortunate in that you caught him redhanded, and have plenty of evidence to prove his affair. I think you should get a lawyer and give him everything you have discovered. Then file for divorce immediately.Seems to me this is a situation which will repeat if you don't show this jerk the consequences of his actions.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

You mention in your message that your husband is having an "EA" which is an emotional affair. Surely you meant "PA" for physical affair, because I have no doubt that that's what's going on.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Two years? Crikey.

File for divorce & child support and have him served. 

This guy does not and has not had your best interests for a long time.

If you don't have a job, get one and start saving $. 

You can keep putting up with this or you can actually do something to change the tides. You won't change him or get him to stop if he doesn't want to. But you can decide what you will tolerate. So stop tolerating this mess and actually do something about it.

Respect yourself.

Oh and if he doesn't come home and is with her, I'd call this a PA/EA.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Two years? Crikey.
> 
> File for divorce & child support and have him served.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

And get tested for STD's.


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## NIGHTNURE101 (Nov 14, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> :iagree:
> 
> And get tested for STD's.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NIGHTNURE101 (Nov 14, 2011)

Oops that's what I meant PA.. I am feeling so low and depressed about this. How do I tell my family this. He tells me how much he does not want to lose me and his family. Why would he keep doing this. I despise him right now. I have not said another word to him since Monday I need all the help I can get. I know I deserve better and I tell him this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Keep telling yourself you deserve better. Let it be a mantra.

Then stiffen your spine & kick him out. You have to stay strong no matter how hurt you are.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

He can go stay with his mother if she lives nearby, or a friend. He has to leave and pay you support. 
IF he wants a shot at keeping his family he has to a) leave b) agree to no contact with her and c) attend marriage counseling until if and when you want to try again.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Right now he has you and her so he's living the high life. He can string you both along until he's happy enough with her to leave you or return to you if they don't work out. Don't let him use you like this.

Lawyer up and start the 180. Don't tell him crap except that you are done. Force him to make a decision. More than likely it will be you. If it's not at least you'll be out of this crappy limbo where you get strung along.

I wish you the best and I'm sorry you're going through this.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Nightnure--you have nothing to feel ashamed/embarrassed about. 

Just tell his family honestly: _Husband has been having an affair for two years and I am not putting up with anymore. I deserve better, for myself, and for our daughter. _

That's it. You don't have to justify anything.

You asked why he keeps doing it: because 1. he wants to and 2. he has faced zero consquences in the past two years.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

:iagree:


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## NIGHTNURE101 (Nov 14, 2011)

Thanks for all your comments and suggestion. I did consult with a lawyer when I first found out about his affair. It wouldn't be the best time to file. So I am going to be trying to save as much as I can, I will tell him I AM DONE!! I will be focusing on me and my kids. He has an older son 16 that lives with us I feel bad for him. I have told his family, I have not told mine yet.Boogie110 thanks for recommending this books I will look for them . Sorry to hear you are going through it with a WS . It's too bad cause my WS is a verily loving supportive person he is a very good person , but he clearly has a problem , I have suggested counseling in the past and he states that won't help oh well. He keeps bringing up this one instance where a mutual male friend of ours who is like family kissed me on the lips. He keeps accusing me of having an affair and says that he changed ever since that happened, but its all BS I would never do something like that


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Remains said:


> You have to throw him out! Do not listen to his mum, she first and foremost only has her son's best interests. Yours are not at the top of her list.
> 
> There are ways to keep the house going. Lodgers? And if not, is a house really worth all the pain he puts you through? I doubt it!
> 
> Get out of there (the relationship) before you crumble. Or even worse, before you accept that this is your marriage and end up sticking with it. Your children will learn how a marriage works by you two. Do you want this for your children?


I agree with Remains! And if his mum is worried about him, let him go live with her when you throw him out!


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## Starleegirl (Oct 11, 2012)

I'm sorry to hear your story, I just joined this site and am so glad I did. I just posted my story and my husband will not admit anything either and it is killing me inside. I have tried so hard to just putnitntonthe back of my mind and get over it but that gut feeling never goes away. I am starting to make plans to get on with my life because this is not healthy for me or my kids and I hope that you will find the strength to move on and find happiness again!! Best of luck.


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## NIGHTNURE101 (Nov 14, 2011)

Update: since My explosion on d day. We have not said a word to each other. Living like strangers I know the kid are wondering ESP my 10 yo daughter.I have started my 180 I use to cook made sure he had lunch etc, not any more focusing on me!! And the kids


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

NIGHTNURE101 said:


> So my husband has been having an EA for 2years. I Confronted him when I first found out about it 2yrs ago and he as denied the relationship. However 2 nights a week he does not come home. He Claims he is out drinking and will not drive so he sleeps in his truck! I have heard messages left on his phone from her, he has bought a private phone for her to call/text him. I know a lot about this OW, where she lives works etc, I have found cards she gave him telling him he is the best thing ever happened to her. My WS has assured me on many occasions the affair is over and I always somehow find clues that indicate differently. When confronted he tries to accuse ME of having affairs with HIS friend which is just crazy!!! I have been really trying to make this work. We gave 2 kids 5-10. I personally think he is a poor example of a husband. I have no one to talk to I talk to his mom who begs for me not to give up as she fears he would hurt himself if things don't work out. This past Sunday night
> he was out never came home. He called the house at 8am I didnt
> answer however the machine picked up and I overheard a
> conversation he was having with his mistress! At the end of which
> ...


Your Husband is acting like a POS, really classless stuff. You deserve better, you are looking after your children and are family orientated, so whatever happens I hope you understand that you are higher than him.

One good saying my friend's father told me today that will hopefully help you as much as it helped me:

_"You are never as trapped as you think you are"_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

SpurnedLonelyHusband said:


> One good saying my friend's father told me today that will hopefully help you as much as it helped me:
> 
> _"You are never as trapped as you think you are"_


:iagree:

Unless someone is physically holding you down, you are only trapped if you trap yourself.

You will be truly liberated if you make the decision to stand up for your self-respect and pride. No one should have the right to treat you the way your H treats you.

Keep your big girl panties on & stay with the 180, then get rid of him.


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## NIGHTNURE101 (Nov 14, 2011)

For some reason I thought he would be begging me to forgive him again but he is keeping very quiet. can u believe this silent treatment for the past 10 days!! Is he trying to use some kind of psychology on me? Is he too ashamed to bother saying a word after he has been acting as if I was crazy and he got busted yet again?? Just wondering. Either way i am still doing the 180. What are your thoughts on this?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

He doesn't give a damm. That's all.
Keep the 180, get your doks in row, plan your exit.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Acabado said:


> He doesn't give a damm. That's all.
> Keep the 180, get your doks in row, plan your exit.


Sounded like my xw a few years back. Get your own bank acct. if you don't have one and take half of the joint savings just to be safe you don't want to be caught flat footed.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

I hate to say this but it definitely sounds more than just emotional if he's staying out two nights a week and she's telling him that she loves him. 

When my husband found out about my EA and I saw how hurt he was, that just devastated me. I felt so horrible about hurting him so badly that I was willing to cut off contact immediately. 

If he's continuing to do this, it's not fair to you or your children. You would likely be entitled to some type of spousal support in addition to child support if you're only staying for financial reasons.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

NIGHTNURE101 said:


> For some reason I thought he would be begging me to forgive him again but he is keeping very quiet. can u believe this silent treatment for the past 10 days!! Is he trying to use some kind of psychology on me? Is he too ashamed to bother saying a word after he has been acting as if I was crazy and he got busted yet again?? Just wondering. Either way i am still doing the 180. What are your thoughts on this?


Yeah, he doesn't care. Have you got divorce papers in the works? Have you been tested for STD's?


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## travellover (Aug 6, 2012)

NIGHTNURE101 said:


> For some reason I thought he would be begging me to forgive him again but he is keeping very quiet. can u believe this silent treatment for the past 10 days!! Is he trying to use some kind of psychology on me? Is he too ashamed to bother saying a word after he has been acting as if I was crazy and he got busted yet again?? Just wondering. Either way i am still doing the 180. What are your thoughts on this?


I completely understand what you are feeling. After I confronted my husband, I expected him to act differently than he does. He has always questioned EVERYTHING that I do. I now realize that he was projecting what he was doing. Do not let him make you think you are crazy. You aren't! Even now, my husband makes up ridiculous lies to cover up certain things. I'm at the point that it irritates me. I would prefer that he say nothing because it's insulting to think that I might still believe him. You are in the right place. Although I'm fairly new, the people on this site are full of kind words and good advice.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

NIGHTNURE101 said:


> For some reason I thought he would be begging me to forgive him again but he is keeping very quiet. can u believe this silent treatment for the past 10 days!! Is he trying to use some kind of psychology on me? Is he too ashamed to bother saying a word after he has been acting as if I was crazy and he got busted yet again?? Just wondering. Either way i am still doing the 180. What are your thoughts on this?


I would suggest that he is staying silent due to being kind if frozen. Like a guilty child. And he IS guilty. The way that children daren't bring up the issue of what they have done in the hope you will forget about it or not bother punishing them. 

He knows that his A is unequivocally obvious. He cannot bring up the issue because then he has to deal with it. He cannot deal with it because then he would have to face it and stop eating cake. Then the difficulties begin. Will he have to stop seeing her? Will you throw him out? Will he lose everything? Will he end up with her? 

Thus, don't bring it up, and hope it will all just go away. See! Easy! .....pathetic!


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Basically, in a nutshell, he is just shi*ting himself right now. And wondering what is coming, and when.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

The silent treatment can sometimes be a way of waiting you out. They hope that you will break first and forgive just to get things smoothed out again. (Hubby and I are both guilty of this one).


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

It depends he is probably feeling too guilty to talk right now. I would simply just keep on working on you. Don't be looking for the satisfaction of him begging. You have made your choice and stick with it. The last thing you want is him begging. Because it will drag you down into a miasma of problems. Get the D and if he comes crawling back afterwards you can choose what you want to do. Makeing the decision to leave or stay is hard for many people. You need to just be happy you were able to make this decision without needing a lot of support. Congrats on that despite the situation.


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## NIGHTNURE101 (Nov 14, 2011)

Yes...I did tell him to make sure he gets his lawyer when I confronted him and I went off so bad, he had never heard me like that in the 13 Years we have been together. So he is prob wondering if he is gonna be served or what's coming to him. He is the type who just hopes his problems would just go away and things could be normal. He has been drinking a lot I smell alcohol when he comes home. He made his bed now he has to lie in it. He finally had the courage to call last night asking how he could have his wife back. But I just went off on him again and he shuts down. I had already consulted a lawyer, I would have to sell the house but we have been remodeling so not sure how long this will take. 
Boogie110 you said I was confusing you but all I am saying is if there wasn't infedility in our marriage. I would not have any complaints. That is his problem. He has always been a good provider very supportive to me and my family otherwise he has good ways. It is tough.....


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