# Need advice to get her back



## pa_dc2

Hi I am new to the forum and apologize now if this is in the wrong section.

Me and my wife seperated a little over a month ago. We have been married almost five years and together for 7. There was a lot of stress in our relationship from me not working and not helping her out around the house. She was working and going to school. About 2 weeks before we split she started to say that she wanted a break. At first I asked for how long and where are you gonna go? She couldn't give me an answer. The day that we split I thought it was an argument like any other . She started to talk about a break again and I said I don't think you get a break from marriage either we work it out or get a divorce. I regret those words more than anything now ..... I got to see my wife maybe 2 times the first week we were separated and she would say that I had a 1-100 chance of being with her again. Now she says I have no chance. I see a lot of things that I did wrong and I feel like if we could get back together the relationship would be great. But it seems as if she has no interest in it. She always says that she loves me but is not in love with me... I know there are other guys talking to her on Facebook . I honestly don't think she is seeing anyone else. But now I feel like I don't know her the way I thought I did. I could go on and on but I would like to hear any kind of advice.... I would do anything to save my marriage please help and if you need more information about my situation please ask

Thank you


----------



## Helios

Umm get a job, keep solid upkeep on your living quarters. Take some initiative and do the things you weren't doing. I'm assuming there's more to the story and you're withholding some vital information. If you aren't working or helping out around the house then what were you doing? She's going to work, school and doing everything around the house? Obviously she was pulling her weight. Were you not doing things because of depression? Did you lose your job?

Provide more info, pour your heart out. If you're serious about fixing your marriage the people here can offer you great advice but they can only help you based off of the information you provide.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## This is me

ILYBNILY is usually said when there is someone else. They are in a EA or PA. 

You need to 180 for you. The results can sometimes turn heads on the wayward, but from what I read you should prepare for the worst.


Read Synthetics Ten Commandments:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-...n/55375-wife-wanting-divorce.html#post1049105


----------



## pa_dc2

When i look back at things it seems that I wasn't doing anything. With the type of work that I do jobs end and I'm laid off for a while. It's happened before this time for longer than we were used to. I wanna save my marriage but she has divorce papers already and I told her I would sign them if that would make her happy. I don't wanna fight for anything except the relationship. She doesn't wanna fight for any material things. I paid for her to have cosmetic surgery and now I'm the one left with all the debt. Sometimes I feel like she doesn't really know what she is doing and that one day she will wake up and regret it . Doing the best I can to find another job. I'm feeling like there is no hope . Is that true? When a person tells you they wanna live for themselves and wanna do what makes them happy after you feel like all you wanna do is fix things. What am I supposed to do? I know she is going to a club this weekend inviting all her friends and all these new guys she has been talking to on Facebook.


----------



## synthetic

*Synthetic's 10 Commandments*:

1. Read this link - *Just Let Them Go*

2. Follow the following rules: *The 180 degree rules*

3. Read this short book in the next 24 hours: No More Mr. Nice Guy

4. Separate all finances and stop supporting her 'single' lifestyle

5. Book a counseling appointment ASAP

6. Doesn't matter how you do it, but *sweat the pain of anxiety out*. Treadmills are your best friend. Use them. This is very important: You need to physically feel spent before you hit bed every night. 

7. Think a lot, read a lot, and cry as needed - This particular link should be open in your browser at all times and read multiple times: DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?

8. Find your social worth by socializing with as many people as possible (females work better). Spend time with friends, but don't just settle for your circle of friends. This is the best time to make new ones and feel attractive/attracted. You're not looking for sex or a relationship. You're looking for natural human attraction between you and others.

9. Do whatever it takes to go on a trip that involves a long flight, preferably to a country where English or your first language is not spoken

10. Start living an 'overly' fun life without feeling any guilt. This is the hardest task ahead. It's important to wash the guilt out of yourself once you have realized where it originates from via all the reading and counseling you've done.


----------



## pa_dc2

Will this help even though she is all I think about and I wanna fix things. Does anyone think there is hope?


----------



## synthetic

pa_dc2 said:


> Will this help even though she is all I think about and I wanna fix things. Does anyone think there is hope?


There's only hope if you stop thinking about her and implement the commandments I listed. Your case is not unique. Many of us have been where you are. 

Your only shot at getting your wife back is to make yourself as attractive as possible. The 10 commandments are for that purpose. To give you self-respect and awareness. 

A self-respecting, self-aware man who lives a fun life and has his sh1t together is very attractive. 

A weak obsessive person who looks sad and feels like a victim is very unattractive.

Choose which one you want to be


----------



## pa_dc2

I understand what your saying... Do you think that once paper work starts there is still a chance? If I turn my self into a better person?


----------



## This is me

Sythetic is right on mark. We all understand the pain, but the message you are sending is unattractive.

Don't rush into signing anything if you don't want, and certainly don't sign it to make her happy. 

Now in my case she was in a MLC fog and was clearly confused. This became obvious when I said if this is what she wants, then lets move on. When I said this and meant it with confidence, she broke down and realized what she was losing.

Not all relationships are salvageable, so plan for a new life.


----------



## pa_dc2

So if she comes to me with papers again do I sign or not I understand all your advice and appreciate it . Gonna work on myself cause I know I can't do anything to change her mind right now.


----------



## synthetic

pa_dc2 said:


> So if she comes to me with papers again do I sign or not I understand all your advice and appreciate it . Gonna work on myself cause I know I can't do anything to change her mind right now.



Do you want to sign them? From your posts I don't think you do, so then DON'T.

Starting today, don't do anything to make her happy. Do everything possible to make yourself happy. And don't give me the BS that "her happiness is my happiness". That thing went out of fashion the day she walked out on you.


----------



## This is me

I think only you can make that call.

Now from my personal situation it was a Mid Life Crisis, which is where most of my input or advice comes from. 

Check out my link: MIDLIFE CRISIS for DUMMIES

If any of this sounds fimiliar, you may want to buy some time before signing anything. The fog of the MLC is a form of depression that can lift over a period of time. The key thing is to have patience, improve yourself, do the 180, be hard to reach, and time might allow her to see that the grass may not be greener.

IMHO from my painful experience.


----------



## This is me

Hey Synthetic I think you need to add the Midlife crisis for dummies to your list. From being here for over a year, so many of the cheating, walk aways, waywards and ILYBNLY posts point to a MLC.

MIDLIFE CRISIS for DUMMIES


----------



## jdlash

This is me said:


> Hey Synthetic I think you need to add the Midlife crisis for dummies to your list. From being here for over a year, so many of the cheating, walk aways, waywards and ILYBNLY posts point to a MLC.
> 
> MIDLIFE CRISIS for DUMMIES


This is so sad and true that it's actually funny. I thought it was written specefically for my W.


----------



## 36Separated

Anyone got a copy of this No More Mr Nice Guy.pdf - 4shared.com - document sharing - download that i dont need login?


----------



## synthetic

This is me said:


> Hey Synthetic I think you need to add the Midlife crisis for dummies to your list. From being here for over a year, so many of the cheating, walk aways, waywards and ILYBNLY posts point to a MLC.
> 
> MIDLIFE CRISIS for DUMMIES


I omitted it on purpose. Although a brilliant piece to read, it goes against the purpose of shifting focus from the walkaway to "self". 

None of the 10 commandments involve giving an ion of thought to the selfish walkaway. They are all about the left-behind.

To mention things like MLC or BPD is also detrimental to the healing process because it gives us an excuse to be lazy and unnecessarily sympathetic towards selfishness. The best way to lift the fog is to remove yourself from their life. Focusing on MLC, BPD, children, divorce-battles, custody battles and things like that all lead to more involvement in their selfish journey on your part.


----------



## pa_dc2

Before we split she kept saying she wanted a break. Now the first time she said this I asked where did she wanna go and for how long. She couldn't give me answer so by the time we had the last argument I said I don't think you get a break from marriage it's either we work on fixing things or get divorced that's then she said divorce... Wish I would have never said that


----------



## sharkeey

pa_dc2 said:


> Before we split she kept saying she wanted a break. Now the first time she said this I asked where did she wanna go and for how long. She couldn't give me answer so by the time we had the last argument I said I don't think you get a break from marriage it's either we work on fixing things or get divorced that's then she said divorce... Wish I would have never said that


For some reason you said it twice on this very thread.


----------



## synthetic

36Separated said:


> Anyone got a copy of this No More Mr Nice Guy.pdf - 4shared.com - document sharing - download that i dont need login?


http://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf


----------



## synthetic

pa_dc2 said:


> Before we split she kept saying she wanted a break. Now the first time she said this I asked where did she wanna go and for how long. She couldn't give me answer so by the time we had the last argument I said I don't think you get a break from marriage it's either we work on fixing things or get divorced that's then she said divorce... Wish I would have never said that


No you said the right thing. There's no "break" in marriage. You're either married or you're not.

Now get to the commandments and stop being so weak and regretful. She doesn't know what she's letting go of. Time to prove to yourself that you're an attractive man she should be thanking her lucky stars to be with. Time to man up.

Find your balls.


----------



## pa_dc2

Thanks it's surprising how much this helps... Really appreciate all the comments


----------



## synthetic

Did you read No More Mr. Nice Guy yet?


----------



## pa_dc2

I just finished the first chapter and at first I didn't think I was a "nice guy" but I realize now


----------



## synthetic

pa_dc2 said:


> I just finished the first chapter and at first I didn't think I was a "nice guy" but I realize now


A nice guy is not very 'nice' 

I'm a recovering nice-guy myself. There will be a lot of light-bulb moments awaiting you in the next few weeks. Have some tissue ready too


----------



## This is me

synthetic said:


> I omitted it on purpose. Although a brilliant piece to read, it goes against the purpose of shifting focus from the walkaway to "self".
> 
> None of the 10 commandments involve giving an ion of thought to the selfish walkaway. They are all about the left-behind.
> 
> To mention things like MLC or BPD is also detrimental to the healing process because it gives us an excuse to be lazy and unnecessarily sympathetic towards selfishness. The best way to lift the fog is to remove yourself from their life. Focusing on MLC, BPD, children, divorce-battles, custody battles and things like that all lead to more involvement in their selfish journey on your part.


My marriage was saved when I learned that she was dealing with the alien within called the MLC. I wanted to save my marriage because I knew we had a good one before the fog rolled in.

I agree that part of the process is self improvement and focusing on self, but to fully educate and prevent needless divorces, I think more people should be aware that not only men go through MLC and likely more women with 2/3 of divorces being filed by them.

There are too many here that seem to advise newcomers towards divorce. I believe many marriages could be saved if they only understood that these plentyful Mid Life Crisis events will pass and to mitigated the damage by getting educated about them.

Divorce is much harder than working on saving a marriage, especially when patience may be all that is needed.

IMHO


----------



## jdlash

This is me said:


> My marriage was saved when I learned that she was dealing with the alien within called the MLC. I wanted to save my marriage because I knew we had a good one before the fog rolled in.
> 
> I agree that part of the process is self improvement and focusing on self, but to fully educate and prevent needless divorces, I think more people should be aware that not only men go through MLC and likely more women with 2/3 of divorces being filed by them.
> 
> There are too many here that seem to advise newcomers towards divorce. I believe many marriages could be saved if they only understood that these plentyful Mid Life Crisis events will pass and to mitigated the damage by getting educated about them.
> 
> Divorce is much harder than working on saving a marriage, especially when patience may be all that is needed.
> 
> IMHO


So what did you actually tell your wife when you finally R'd?


----------



## pa_dc2

Does age have anything to do with the MLC ? My wife is 28 but had to grow up fast when she was young and had a ruff child hood losing her mom to breast cancer and raising her sisters .


----------



## synthetic

pa_dc2 said:


> Does age have anything to do with the MLC ? My wife is 28 but had to grow up fast when she was young and had a ruff child hood losing her mom to breast cancer and raising her sisters .


MLC cannot be used as an excuse. Who knows if your wife is truly experiencing a midlife crisis or not (probably not).

The reality is, she's being selfish and has betrayed your marriage. You should remove yourself from her life and give yourself all the love, attention and money you have.

Don't sign divorce papers. Keep that crap away for as long as possible because it's not always necessary and it can be a huge pain in the ass.


----------



## pa_dc2

My plan is to not contact her and make it harder for her to contact me and better myself. I asked about the MLC because I thought of that before I joined the forum. Exactly how she really feels I will never know. I feel like she is living a dream of being single and one day is gonna wake up and realize what she did . I'm not saying she is gonna come back to me anything. Just thoughts running through my head.


----------



## synthetic

> My plan is to not contact her and make it harder for her to contact me and better myself.


Stick to this. The payoff is big.


----------



## pa_dc2

How can I compete with some other guy when all she thinks about is the bad times with me. She says they are just friends but its hard to believe.


----------



## synthetic

pa_dc2 said:


> How can I compete with some other guy when all she thinks about is the bad times with me. She says they are just friends but its hard to believe.


Don't believe it. You don't compete for your wife's love. She can kiss your ass if she thinks you're going to convince her to love you. 

She's in the fog of stupidity and a guaranteed-to-die affair.

Let her go. Stop thinking about her. She lost you. There are other women who would never turn their back on you like she did. Why settle for this sh1t?


----------



## pa_dc2

I can't help but think if she really wants this why hasn't she come with the papers again since the time I sincerely told her I would sign. All the friends that are going out with her know me and know what's going on. Could she really be all over this guy when they go and not one person say anything to her? I realize that I shouldn't want someone that is doing this the way she is doing it. But I realized since we split that I will always love her no matter what. I know that her whole family is supporting her in this divorce. What family wouldn't? But know I may sound stupid but I would do anything to be with her. I love her more than anything in the world and it hurts that it took this to make me realize.


----------



## synthetic

> But I realized since we split that I will always love her no matter what.


So?

Most divorced spouses continue to love each other forever. This is no reason to be a doormat.


----------



## pa_dc2

I guess I just feel that I'm running outa time. I'm doing a lot of reading and I'm doing a lot of job searching been working out a little . Just feel like I should be doing more ...


----------



## Baseballmom6

"I know that her whole family is supporting her in this divorce. What family wouldn't?"

My mother-in-law lives next door to us. Although she pretty much stays out of our business she is very against any talk of a divorce for us. His sister is also.

That said I filed for divorce but don't want one. I did it to let him know I was serious (He left me) about what he needs to do. I am just going to let it sit there until I get sick of his crap.
Basically you can't change her mind but you can change your actions. As long as she sees you she won't have time to miss you. Hang in there.


----------



## pa_dc2

Ok thanks for the kind words and I hope everything works out for you the way you want them to


----------



## millers4691

If you really want to get your ex wife back, you have to make a plan and start taking action. Beforehand though, you need to minutely scrutinize the root cause of the split. 
After a few years of marriage, the relationship becomes monotonous and finally gives rise to boredom. When the people involved in this relation start feeling that nobody is mutually helping or caring for one another, they simply snap off the ties. If this 'monotonous relationship' is the main cause of the split, try visualizing your future with your ex wife. When you are planning about how to get your ex wife back, look down memory lane and see what you can do to better yourself. Impress your ex wife by doing something that he always wished you to do. You can try to learn some new language or go on adventurous vacation. 
Try to be cool and patient after the break up. Do not beg for reunion and spill the bucket of your feelings and thoughts on your ex wife. She will not respect you for this and just label you as a desperate man. Should you act agitated, you may offend your ex wife and she may not even reconsider the decision of getting back together. Be independent and show her that you can live all by yourself.
Do not try to get your ex wife back by dating another woman and making her jealous. If you feel like going out with other women with petty feelings against your ex wife aside, then go ahead. Do not get entangled with other women if you are planning to get back with your ex wife. It will send a wrong signal to both your ex wife and the woman you are dating. It would be a better idea to go out with some of your friends and have fun. When your ex sees that you are happy and independent, she will surely admire your confidence spirit.
If you believe your ex wife is the only one made for you, do not stop trying to get back together with her. Do not lose faith, keep your head up, and soon enough, you two will surely be back in each other's arms.
_________________________________________________
Ex Back Experts: How to Get Your Ex Back Guide


----------



## pa_dc2

I talk to a friend of mine who is a dj a t the club she went to last time. He said she was dancing with some dude and it didn't look good he didn't wanna say anymore thinking I would do something stupid. But the hurt I feel is unexplainable I just can't understand how she could do this...


----------



## synthetic

pa_dc2 said:


> I talk to a friend of mine who is a dj a t the club she went to last time. He said she was dancing with some dude and it didn't look good he didn't wanna say anymore thinking I would do something stupid. But the hurt I feel is unexplainable I just can't understand how she could do this...


She could do it because she's selfish and doesn't care about you enough to not want to hurt you. 

It's one thing for a person to become fed up with a marriage and need a break. It's completely different when they choose to immediately live a "single" life. It shows their level of regard for your feelings. She doesn't love you enough. You should accept it and move on.

It's your turn to find out how much better life can be without such a selfish partner. It's YOUR time. Use it.


----------



## pa_dc2

I just can't imagine doing what she is doing even though she left me. I just haven't found it in me YET to be that selfish guy it's just not the way I'm made. It makes me feel as if I love her more than she ever did when we were married.


----------



## pa_dc2

This reminds me that when we got together I was 17 and she was 22 and she came on to me strong telling she was into me and asking if I was into her and at first I thought it was a joke evacuee she had a boyfriend of 4 years and she was real good friends with my mom and they worked together. I had always dreamt of being with her. So I thought I was on candor camera and it was sick joke from my mom or something. Her ex forum out about us by finding a email on her user name that she used a hotel a few miles from our city where me and her had went.


----------



## synthetic

Keep reading and posting. You've got a lot of work to do on you. It's time to start being an adult. Did you read about codependency yet?


----------



## pa_dc2

No I haven't


----------



## pa_dc2

Synthetic I realize that I have a lot of work to do on myself and I appreciate all the comments and advise but out of everything I have posted the only thing you have to say is that I need to start being an adult? I understand that I have a lot of work to do on myself and i am working on it... Do you have anything to say about what's going on with my wife after what I've said. I'm not trying to move the blame elsewhere or anything just wanting to hear some opinions on her I guess.


----------



## synthetic

pa_dc2 said:


> just wanting to hear some opinions on her I guess.


She's being a selfish cheater. What else do you want to hear about her? 

Instead of hoping for her to magically change into the queen you married years ago, why don't you actually start taking the advice given to you more seriously? Why don't you read about codependency and how it has destroyed your marriage? Why don't you learn about your own personality issues so when your wife sees you next time she sees a different man?


----------



## pa_dc2

Ok I read about codependency and I understand what your saying. I'm taking all the advice and applying it the best I can. Being in the forum has helped me a lot. Any other advice is great also.


----------



## synthetic

pa_dc2, 

I'm sorry if my posts are harsh. I know exactly what you're going through. It's not pretty. I was crying day and night when it happened to me. I wanted a shoulder to cry on. I wanted my wife. 

You know what snapped me out of my weakness? The harshest replies on TAM. That's right. Those who gave me a beating here made me realize that "I AM A MAN, NOT A BABY". Slowly I started to act like a real alpha male. I still cried often. Still loved and missed my wife like crazy, but I had it under control, because I found my balls.

Find the alpha in you. You need him for a while. You have him. Just find him.


----------



## pa_dc2

I am slowly dealing with this better than I was. In the beginning . During my marriage I was made to feel as if I did everything wrong. She always thought that i was cheating. A couple years ago I talked to an old friend through email from when a was growing up and I was to flirty with her. My wife found out and I put a stop to it. I know it was wrong and swore to never do it again and I never did. I ask for more advice about the way she is acting because I'm so tired of feeling like this is all my fault. I don't think anything I have done while married is an excuse for what she is doing now. I have come to the realization that I cannot control her or make her love me no matter what I say or how badly I wanna make things work. It's hard for me to understand how she has so much hatred for me. When I have so much love for her.


----------



## synthetic

pa_dc2,

First a couple of facts:

1. It's NOT all your fault. You only have a 50% share in the demise of your marriage

2. Your wife doesn't hate you. She resents you. Very different.

The cheating accusations she threw at you could have all been projections. She might have been cheating on you herself and projecting the guilt onto you. It happens all the time. All the time. Just read the "Coping With Infidelity" forum.

Now, it's normal to feel like this is all your fault and you could've done something to change the outcome. It's NOT your fault and you COULDN'T have done anything to change things. Get that drilled into your head. She betrayed your marriage.

The only way to make her realize what she has done is to let her go. If you don't believe it, read the stories about walkaway wives here. They all continue to be selfish until the day the husband stops giving a sh1t about them. Then they suddenly wake up. Most of the time, it's too late. Sometimes, they get lucky and manage to convince the husband (my wife somehow did, but I still don't consider us fully back together).

If you follow the commandments carefully, you have little to worry about. Your wife will most likely regret her decision, and you will be so strong that you will have the option of choosing between divorce or reconciliation all by yourself. That's the ideal outcome. Get to that position of strength as soon as you can. You'll feel like a million bucks every single minute of your life. Don't you want that?


----------



## pa_dc2

Of course I want to feel like a million bucks. Im doing my best to be strong. I'm trying to stay positive. I'm having a better understanding of what was wrong in my marriage by looking into all the things you have told me and reading more on here and online in general.


----------



## pa_dc2

When I was married the neighbors from a couple houses down would visit here and there and talk about things they see happening in the neighbor hood. Very nice people they are in there 50s I believe. I started to go over there during the week sometimes in the afternoon to play pool with the husband. After we split my accused me of going over there to cheat on her with the old lady. We had a small dog that we got from them and had to give it back when we split . I saw her on Monday of this week and told her about seeing the dog and that she should stop by there one day. It was crazy cause she got mad that I went over there. If she really doesn't care about me the way she says she does and she wants this divorce why get upset? I told her that there was nothing going on with the neighbor and that I went to pick up some mail that he grabbed outa the mail box for me and plate pool for a while.


----------



## synthetic

She has no business dictating where you go and where you don't. Avoid feeling obligated to subside her anger. She has internal issues. You're not here to make her feel better. She owns her own feelings and actions.

And I can almost guarantee she's projecting her own guilt onto you. She's most likely in an affair and was probably unfaithful to you during your marriage. I know you hate to think like that. I know you'd never expect someone like your wife to do something like that, but unfortunately her actions and behavior indicate otherwise. 

BTW, every minute you spend wondering about your wife's feelings, is a minute you've lost in learning about yourself.


----------



## pa_dc2

I know what you mean about every minute I think about her is time wasted but is it not ok for me to want an explanation ?


----------



## SkyHigh

Right now, like...this second, you need to stop giving, in a sense, two newly minted sh!ts about the explanations right now. 

She. _Betrayed_. You.


----------



## synthetic

> is it not ok for me to want an explanation ?


Explanation from who? Your wife?! Her actions are your best explanation.


----------



## pa_dc2

Ok so all day I have been feeling pretty good but at night if I'm not hanging with friends it always seems to hit me. It's like a mental battle because I know I can't do anything. But I feel down and hopeless at times. Fighting to keep myself together just felt like ranting on here cause it always seems to help.


----------



## synthetic

pa_dc2 said:


> Ok so all day I have been feeling pretty good but at night if I'm not hanging with friends it always seems to hit me. It's like a mental battle because I know I can't do anything. But I feel down and hopeless at times. Fighting to keep myself together just felt like ranting on here cause it always seems to help.


This was my everyday for a good 2 months. Buckle up my friend.


----------



## pa_dc2

Some of the things I am hearing that she is out doing and some of the pictures of the clothes she where's now I'm starting to feel sorry for her.


----------



## pa_dc2

Trying to stay positive that ill be fine no matter what happens and listen to my motivational songs of choice. I know I will but I can't help but feel hurt . I feel sorry for the guy that has to deal with her next if this guy she is talking to is more than friends.


----------



## pa_dc2

Starting to think that depending on the circumstances I don't think I could R with my wife there is so much she has done since we have been apart. She would have to speak some magical words to get me to do it. Not suing I don't want to but at the same time I almost feel like if we got back together now it would be worse then before.


----------



## pa_dc2

Any input is great...


----------



## synthetic

All these feelings and back-and-forthing are completely expected. You are starting to realize that divorcing your wife is actually a real possibility instead of a sad nightmare that you did not even think about before.

There's no reason to get into the prediction game right now. You don't know how you will be feeling in the future and what you or your wife may do. Her betrayal is truly heart-breaking and reconciliation would be something that she'd have to work hard to convince you towards. She's nowhere near that mindset right now, so why waste your time thinking about reconciliation? 

And there's no getting back with your wife right now. Your old marriage is as good as dead. She decided to kill it. That's the pain you're feeling. The death of your marriage and your wife's lack of regard for you. It's alright. Feel the pain and get through it. You'll come out a lot stronger. Don't show her any of your sadness. It's weak and unattractive.


----------



## pa_dc2

Should I be doing anything to protect myself in case she try's to screw me in the divorce? I have all the debt from when we were married an she walked away basically with what she came with other than a new set of breasts and a laptop that I bought her as a gift for school.

I haven't tried to contact in 5 days and feel pretty good about that. When we talked before is was that she only wanted to split without any fighting. Now that I have told her I will sign its been over a week and she still hasn't tried to contact me again for me to sign. I just thought if she is so angry with me as she says and really wants this as she says there is no way we can work on things why not come running back within the next couple days and have me sign them. I did however ask her to instead of always trying to keep me off her mind actually think about me and think about the good. I said for her to take a few days to make sure this is what she wants and if it is I will sign.


----------



## the guy

pa_dc2 said:


> I just thought if she is so angry with me as she says and really wants this as she says there is no way we can work on things why not come running back within the next couple days and have me sign them.


She is no longer angry at you, she got what she wanted, and you are no longer in the way.

In her messed up mind, now that you agreed to sign, you guys are as good as divorce. She no longer has guilt for sleeping with her boy friend...by the way she has been alot longer then before you guys seperated, and most likely is tell her boyfriend that you guys are infact divorced now.

See in her mind saying is just like doing it but you just don't have to to the work that reality requires. I have to tell you if you want to protect your self you will have to do the hard work in filling your self.

Remember she can continue to generate a debt and you will be on the hook...so please do the work that will get you out from under this women.

On aside note, in the beginning, when you were sleeping with her and went off to the hotel with her when she was still with her ex, what ever she told you and how ever she said she feels...is what she was telling her new boy when you guys were still together........................see the pattern here?

She is a user. She gets what she can from men then moves on. Her trick is to make sure that the next guy is on the hook before she leaves the old guy......get it?

As she goes thru men she has to figure out who are the players and who are the ones she can get something from. Once she has her target then bamb she's gone.

Back in he olden day they would but a scarlet letter on women like her...now a days guys like us have no protection from these vampires.

You still need to protect your self, finacially, by getting a divorce and hopefully you can get out from any debt she got into after she started hunting for a new target. If your lucky your lawyer will be able to establish a new residency that indicates the time a seperation and she will then be the only one responseable for that debt and not you.

See how important it is to file and have her served instead of waiting on her?


----------



## the guy

Maybe you and her ex can get together and warn the new guy, before he goes off and buys her a new car and gets dump for another guy that gets her a house. LOL

I know it doesn't feel like it but you are a lucky guy, it just cost you a boob job and a laptop.

Hopefully she hasn't rung up to much more debt since she split!


----------



## synthetic

Whatever debt you have gets split and subtracted from your joint assets. Just separate your finances right away. She could incur more debt and screw you.

Is she using your money in any shape or form these days?


----------



## pa_dc2

No honestly right now I don't have much money at all.. Which is another reason why i haven't done counseling for myself or talked to a lawyer. I'm unemployed and the only thing that I'm paying for is our joint cell phone account . If I cut it off it will cost me more money. She has bought a new car like a week or 2 after we split. The debt that I have is all in my name. Even the loan that I took for her surgery.


----------



## pa_dc2

the guy said:


> She is no longer angry at you, she got what she wanted, and you are no longer in the way.
> 
> In her messed up mind, now that you agreed to sign, you guys are as good as divorce. She no longer has guilt for sleeping with her boy friend...by the way she has been alot longer then before you guys seperated, and most likely is tell her boyfriend that you guys are infact divorced now.
> 
> See in her mind saying is just like doing it but you just don't have to to the work that reality requires. I have to tell you if you want to protect your self you will have to do the hard work in filling your self.
> 
> Remember she can continue to generate a debt and you will be on the hook...so please do the work that will get you out from under this women.
> 
> On aside note, in the beginning, when you were sleeping with her and went off to the hotel with her when she was still with her ex, what ever she told you and how ever she said she feels...is what she was telling her new boy when you guys were still together........................see the pattern here?
> 
> She is a user. She gets what she can from men then moves on. Her trick is to make sure that the next guy is on the hook before she leaves the old guy......get it?
> 
> As she goes thru men she has to figure out who are the players and who are the ones she can get something from. Once she has her target then bamb she's gone.
> 
> Back in he olden day they would but a scarlet letter on women like her...now a days guys like us have no protection from these vampires.
> 
> You still need to protect your self, finacially, by getting a divorce and hopefully you can get out from any debt she got into after she started hunting for a new target. If your lucky your lawyer will be able to establish a new residency that indicates the time a seperation and she will then be the only one responseable for that debt and not you.
> 
> See how important it is to file and have her served instead of waiting on her?


I understand what your saying but I honestly don't know if this guy she is "friends" with is just that a friend. I'm just trying to worry about me now and do the best I can. I really don't wanna dwell on what she has been doing or what she might have done when we were together because it doesn't help me feel any better now and that's all I want to focus on is me.


----------



## synthetic

pa_dc2 said:


> The debt that I have is all in my name. Even the loan that I took for her surgery.


Doesn't matter. She owns half of it.

Who was the major breadwinner? You're entitled to alimony if she makes more than you do.


----------



## pa_dc2

I made more money even being laid off here an there. When i work it's mostly 7 days a week 12 hrs a day.


----------



## pa_dc2

Can she try to get alimony. I live in Texas not sure about the laws here.


----------



## sharkeey

She can try to do anything.

A Google search is your friend. 

Here's a link to get you started.

Alimony - Is It Automatic in Texas? - Texas Divorce Source


----------



## pa_dc2

Thanks for the link..


----------



## sharkeey

Sure, it wasn't a big deal.

Basically typing "Texas" and "Alimony" into a search engine box.


----------



## pa_dc2

Just an update on me... Might end up taking a job that's about and hour and a half away from where I live. Getting excited to make some money and get away from this area. Haven't tried to contact the wife in a week and I haven't heard from either. At least this way I will be doing something positive for me and making it hard for her to contact me if and when she try's. feels good to finally have something positive in all of this...


----------



## synthetic

pa_dc2 said:


> feels good to finally have something positive in all of this...


The big positive is not the job. It's the fact that you're gaining control over your emotions. You're on the right track my friend. Just handle the weak moments like the champ you are. Girls (including your own wife) will drool over a strong, assertive and happy pa_dc2


----------



## pa_dc2

Thanks I'm getting a lot better. Just thinking about how I was a couple weeks ago let's me know it can only get better. No matter what she does or doesn't do I'm not letting that dictate how I handle things on my side. I wanted to get your opinion on something I'm planning to get rid of the vehicle I'm driving now to get something a little more me and more affordable. I'm worried that if I do this and she sees it and sees that I'm starting to look better she may try to take it from me in court. Should I wait to make any purchases until the divorce is final?


----------



## synthetic

> I'm worried that if I do this and she sees it and sees that I'm starting to look better she may try to take it from me in court. Should I wait to make any purchases until the divorce is final?


It's best to avoid making purchasing, moving and career decisions while you're going through this. I know you've got a new job and are quite excited about it. That's good for now.

Don't be afraid of what she may or may not do. She can't take anything away from you as long as you both agree on the original separation date (which I'm sure she will), but I'd still wait on the car purchase. 

Also, in the next little while as you gain strength, she may come around sniffing for information or attention. It's very normal and completely expected. You owe it to yourself to maintain full composure and mysteriousness. No disclosing information about your activities, feelings or future plans. NONE. She gets to know nothing about you. She gets to have none of your time and she absolutely has no business demanding kindness or companionship. Take it all away from her. She asked for this.

Be ready to feel completely in control of your life. It's absolutely great and perhaps the easiest reward of getting left-behind by a selfish spouse.

Keep posting.


----------



## pa_dc2

synthetic said:


> It's best to avoid making purchasing, moving and career decisions while you're going through this. I know you've got a new job and are quite excited about it. That's good for now.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Keep posting.


It just reminds me of how I was when we were together always waiting for her in order to do things for me. We had a plan that when she finished school I was gonna go to school. I always put most of the material things I wanted aside.


----------



## synthetic

> I always put most of the material things I wanted aside.


Never do that again.

The waiting this time is for your own benefit, not hers. See the difference?


----------



## pa_dc2

Yeah I understand what your saying... I never really have a want to text or call her anymore but I can't help but think why she hasn't contacted me yet...


----------



## synthetic

> I can't help but think why she hasn't contacted me yet


Very normal. All of us have been there.

Part of it has to do with the fact that you're realizing your own worth and your mind wonders why she can't realize it too. Well that's the reality of your situation man. She doesn't value you like she should, and a big part of the blame goes to you for not valuing yourself much for so long. She learned it from you.

Now you're changing. You're starting to respect yourself more. She doesn't really get it yet. She will eventually, and that's why I told you to be on high alert for her half-ass attempts at getting your attention. Don't backtrack. The more she stays away from you, the stronger you will get (without even realizing it).


----------



## pa_dc2

Excited be cause I got the job I was trying to get... Ready to get away from this town for a while I start in a week!!!


----------



## synthetic

NICE!

Can you go on a trip? A far one? Remember my 9th commandment?


----------



## pa_dc2

Well the job is gonna be 7 days a week for about a month and a half... I could possibly take one after the job is over... Gonna try to keep doing outa town work...


----------



## pa_dc2

I was wanting to fly and visit a friend in North Carolina after this job is over... Would that be consider a far trip?


----------



## synthetic

pa_dc2 said:


> I was wanting to fly and visit a friend in North Carolina after this job is over... Would that be consider a far trip?


No. Not enough.

The point of the trip is to get yourself completely out of settings that your eyes, ears, hands, nose and mind are familiar with.

You should be thinking "outside North America".


----------



## pa_dc2

Never really wanted to go anywhere that far well at least not alone.


----------



## synthetic

pa_dc2 said:


> Never really wanted to go anywhere that far well at least not alone.


That's why you should. Let me rephrase, YOU MUST.


----------



## pa_dc2

Lol I must huh... How exactly will this benefit me?


----------



## synthetic

pa_dc2 said:


> Lol I must huh... How exactly will this benefit me?


You will know when you go and come back. You learn so much about yourself and humanity. It gives you a sense of belonging, the backbone of confidence. You grow at an incredibly fast pace when you go on such trips. It helps you heal a lot faster. I speak from experience


----------



## pa_dc2

Feeling like I need to call her and get this over with I've made up in my mind that ah will never wanna make anything work and I feel like I'm not in control of the situation and I don't like it...


----------



## synthetic

pa_dc2 said:


> Feeling like I need to call her and get this over with I've made up in my mind that ah will never wanna make anything work and I feel like I'm not in control of the situation and I don't like it...


Don't.

You'll feel guilty later. Don't get yourself in the guilt trap. Avoid her. You don't need to tell her anything.


----------



## BeYou

synthetic said:


> No. Not enough.
> 
> The point of the trip is to get yourself completely out of settings that your eyes, ears, hands, nose and mind are familiar with.
> 
> You should be thinking "outside North America".


I appreciate 9/10 commandments you provide, but this is the one that I don't really agree with.

If you can afford it, and WANT to, sure. But saying this is a MUST at any cost, I don't agree with.

Sure if gets you out of your comfort zone and forces you to cope with change in a micro way, but I think there are other things you can do. I would consider this a good suggestion, but not a MUST.


----------



## synthetic

BeYou said:


> I appreciate 9/10 commandments you provide, but this is the one that I don't really agree with.
> 
> If you can afford it, and WANT to, sure. But saying this is a MUST at any cost, I don't agree with.
> 
> Sure if gets you out of your comfort zone and forces you to cope with change in a micro way, but I think there are other things you can do. I would consider this a good suggestion, but not a MUST.


You won't understand why it's a MUST until you realize the real damage of codependency. 

The trip is not an activity or distraction. It's considered medication.

Again, it's hard to understand its therapeutic value until after you've come back. And there are no better or equivalent alternatives.


----------



## BeYou

synthetic said:


> You won't understand why it's a MUST until you realize the real damage of codependency.
> 
> The trip is not an activity or distraction. It's considered medication.
> 
> Again, it's hard to understand its therapeutic value until after you've come back. And there are no better or equivalent alternatives.


Fair enough...and I don't doubt its effectiveness. But I'm just thinking for most people in these situations, this is just not a responsible thing to do. They are financially in a tight spot, potentially have large expenses coming soon, etc.

If you can afford it easily...sure, why not. But I'm just not sure you should sacrifice your financial situation to do it...which is why I disagree with it being a "must."


----------



## synthetic

And thats exactly why its a must. Your financial situation can be a harmful catalyst in prolonged codependency. The irresponsible thing is not taking the trip. The irresponsibe thing is to maintain status quo which is self-neglect and dysfunctional.

Your financial power should first and foremost be used for self-empowerment not for selflessness.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## pa_dc2

Well I called her and left a voicemail saying I wanted to meet so I can sign the papers. She text back and we are gonna meet tomorrow. I'm ready to get this over with!!!!


----------



## pa_dc2

Found out that she had plans tonight and could easily meet with me so I told her if we can't meet today. Then it will be months before I can do the papers and that her cell phone will be cut off tonight.....


----------



## synthetic

> told her if we can't meet today. Then it will be months before I can do the papers


why?


----------



## pa_dc2

I will be out of town working...


----------



## pa_dc2

Plus even though I am feeling better and working on myself I still feel like there is a chance for us knowing that the paper work isn't done. I don't wanna feel like that anymore. Not saying that signing a piece of paper is gonna help but I think it will mentally for me..


----------



## pa_dc2

I mean if she wants this like she says she does how hard is it to meet and get it over with why would she drag it out?


----------



## synthetic

pa_dc2 said:


> I mean if she wants this like she says she does how hard is it to meet and get it over with why would she drag it out?


She will lose all her control over you. She doesn't really want it, but for the wrong reasons.

Who cares what she wants anyway? Her "wants" no longer determine your destiny. If you want to divorce her right away (which I advice against), just file and get it over with.


----------



## pa_dc2

Why do you advise against it ? 


If I sign the papers she will still have the choice to turn them in or not. She is wanting me to pay half of what she says is $235 for the divorce I told her I'm not paying for anything and that if she wants the divorce she can pay for it...


----------



## synthetic

pa_dc2 said:


> Why do you advise against it ?
> 
> 
> If I sign the papers she will still have the choice to turn them in or not. She is wanting me to pay half of what she says is $235 for the divorce I told her I'm not paying for anything and that if she wants the divorce she can pay for it...


I advice against it because you're not ready to be a divorced man right now.

Your response regarding divorce money was excellent btw.


----------



## pa_dc2

But wether I'm ready or not doesn't matter if she still wants it


----------



## synthetic

pa_dc2 said:


> But wether I'm ready or not doesn't matter if she still wants it


Yup. She can't divorce you tomorrow though. It takes time. 

Control your own life. If signing those things is not something you feel absolutely positively comfortable with, then don't sign.


----------



## pa_dc2

What's the difference in signing now or later if I know that I don't want a divorce deep down but I know that she does it has shown no signs of changing


----------



## sharkeey

The difference between signing now or later is that you don't get to move on with your life until you do and you gain nothing by waiting. 

Also she might decide to get an attorney and force it on you and that will make things much more expensive.


----------



## synthetic

sharkeey said:


> The difference between signing now or later is that you don't get to move on with your life until you do and you gain nothing by waiting.
> 
> Also she might decide to get an attorney and force it on you and that will make things much more expensive.


Disagree.

"just waiting" is not what I'm suggesting. I'm saying he should use this time to gain more mental strength and control over his decisions. Signing, just because she wants it goes against that philosophy.


----------



## pa_dc2

Well we met and all I could do was cry an pour my heart out... I felt strong for the past week or so but the minute I saw her I melted and couldn't control the tears...


----------



## synthetic

pa_dc2 said:


> Well we met and all I could do was cry an pour my heart out... I felt strong for the past week or so but the minute I saw her I melted and couldn't control the tears...


This is why you should avoid meeting her, talking to her, doing things for her or even spending much of your time thinking about her.

You see my man? She's currently poison for you. This doesn't make her a bad person (which she might actually be), but it exposes your weakest state of mind. Your initial survival instinct should be to avoid getting yourself in situations that may expose your weakness. Next, you should work on those weaknesses (Codependency, insecurity and guilt) by following the 10 commandments I listed.

In a month or so (varies for each person), you will no longer feel weak when meeting your wife or signing divorce papers. You will feel strong, hopeful and completely free of any guilt. This will actually make you very attractive. Not just to your wife but to many other women. Then you get rewarded with the fantastic feeling of "having options". You don't get it right now, but it will happen. Just avoid contact with her.

You should trust the advice given to you here. It comes from people who have been in your situation. They too were in love, codependent, weak, confused, angry and sad. It's a journey to healing. You're on it.


----------



## pa_dc2

After meeting with her and seeing how I was with her I honestly don't feel like I could ever really be that strong person around her like I feel when she is not around...


----------



## synthetic

pa_dc2 said:


> After meeting with her and seeing how I was with her I honestly don't feel like I could ever really be that strong person around her like I feel when she is not around...


I used to think the same. I was wrong. You will feel like a million bucks around her when you have healed. She will no longer be a factor in your level of confidence and strength.

When that happens, she will most likely beg you to be with her. You laugh at this now in disbelief, but it will happen. Just follow the commandments and don't be thinking about divorce. This is YOUR time.


----------



## pa_dc2

I just don't think that will happen and that her mind was made up a long time ago...


----------



## pa_dc2

I have the papers now I told her I wanted to read them before I taking everyone's advice and applying it the best that I can... Is there anything I can do to change her mind other than what I have been doing or anything to buy some time. I wanna hear something positive about us getting back together...


----------



## Mtts

My wife was positive that divorce was needed. She told me nothing would change her mind. For a few days I struggled to convince her that she was wrong. I gathered my thoughts and decided that all I could do was work on me. So within a few days I signed divorce papers and started improving on my own well being. Within a month my wife decided that she did want to try. Within another month we were on bi weekly counseling sessions and working towards a better marriage. We are still married and moving towards a better life together.

My advice: waiting does little in most cases and honestly even if you don't really feel good about it, worse things will occur by dragging it out. She might seem positive now but sometimes all that it takes is a little strength for them to see what they saw when you first met!

Best wishes and hope your situation improves!


----------



## Mtts

To add: I find that you mentioned her having been in a relationship when the two of you met. Not to be harsh but that should have been a red flag there. Any woman willing to cheat on her relationship to be with you is probably going to have a questionable level of integrity and morals.

I disagree on the going on a trip piece as well, but it's my opinion just as it's synthetics opinion that it works. 

I say divorce sooner the better. Filing gives you control and removes her ability to influence. Once filed it takes both parties to stop, so it's not as if she can damage you anymore. The car she bought, you can get a court appointed clerk to write up papers that states the date of your initial separation and this serves to protect you from any debt she accumulated after(it's what I did with my wife). 

Good on you man, I can say it could turn around, having read all your posts now though, sounds like she's choosing to live in fantasy land and likely won't improve for some time to come. She cheated on her original B/F to be with you, cheats on you to be with another guy....just seems like someone I wouldn't want to keep around. 

Sorry again and keep looking up!


----------



## pa_dc2

Well I have no evidence of her cheating and even though she cheated in someone to be with me I feel like she wouldn't do that to me ... She says she has no interest in anyone being more than her friend.


----------



## hope4family

Take it one day at a time friend. Apply Synthetics ten commandments. You need to invest in yourself, for yourself in your last ditch effort to prove to yourself that you DO deserve her you just cant convince someone who doesn't want to be there. 

If it doesn't work. It must be her loss.


----------



## sharkeey

pa_dc2 said:


> even though she cheated in someone to be with me I feel like she wouldn't do that to me ...


The guy she cheated on before you felt the exact same way.


----------



## pa_dc2

I just feel like we had more... We got married and had a lot of good times and memories wether she wants to admit it or not ... I won't believe that she has cheated until there is actual proof.


----------



## sharkeey

Doesn't really matter whether or not she's cheating. 

She doesn't want to be with you anymore.

Regardless of the good times and the memories, those are past history.


----------



## hope4family

sharkeey said:


> Doesn't really matter whether or not she's cheating.
> 
> She doesn't want to be with you anymore.
> 
> Regardless of the good times and the memories, those are past history.


Amen.


----------



## pa_dc2

Well I'm Leaving to the new job today I have signed the papers and I'm planning a road trip. Something I've always wanted to do. I got in touch with a good friend that I grew up with and been chatting with her a lot. Someone I always wanted to keep in touch with but the wife wouldn't allow. Just trying to keep my head up and do what makes me happy. Thanks for all the support it helps a lot. I will still be on the forums here and there.


----------



## synthetic

pa_dc2,

Time to look forward to your new life and not look back. You've grown a lot.

Anytime you feel like you're stuck thinking about your marriage, just refer to the 10 commandments.

Good luck my friend, and keep posting. It's very therapeutic.


----------



## pa_dc2

Unjust saw some pics of her on Instagram with her so called friend out having drinks. I have been feeling good until I saw that. I need to stop looking her up... Trying to stay positive about me.


----------



## synthetic

STOP LOOKING HER UP.

First and 2nd Commandments man!


----------



## pa_dc2

Lol ok ok I understand


----------



## pseudonym

pa_dc2 said:


> Lol ok ok I understand


When my wife and I went NC, I blocked her from social media like Facebook and Instagram. It felt really crappy at first but I'm glad I did it. It gave me the freedom to post stuff on there without thinking "I hope she sees this" and it eventually made me stop looking for updates from her. I'd recommend doing that, if you can.


----------



## pa_dc2

Well we aren't friends on any social net work any more and all my stuff is private so she can't see it... But at the same time I could care less if she sees what I'm doing I just gotta keep myself from wondering what she is doing.. Thanks for the advice I know what you ment


----------



## imani

Sir, the first thing I'll tell you is to seriously look into yourself and acknowledge your wrong ways. Apologize strongly for bad attitude and wrong words spoken to her. She became the man of the house and you became the woman of the house. She was actually carrying the load of the family. You need a starting point. A new courtship all over again but first you need to go to her and ask for all the conditions that can make her happy with you. Begin to work on them. Learn a trade or go to school to get started. Learn not to get angry. Anger will destroy everything. Speak kindly to her and never say words you don't mean. It's not too late to redeem your spouse. Be patient with her.


----------



## pa_dc2

I'm at the stage now where I have finally waken up to the fact that she is gone and not coming back .... With that said I'm fine with out her and I don't get emotional unless I see a picture of her. Which is why I'm not gonna be looking her up on any social network. Of course I still love her an I feel like she doesn't love me anymore and I'm ok with that. I don't think she will ever want to come back and work on things and of she ever does she would need to be fully committed. I'm not trying to win her back anymore only worried about doing what I need to do to make me happy. I really don't have any anger towards her I more or less just feel sad about the situation. Then I pick myself up and realize my happiness doesn't depend on someone else's feeling but my own.


----------



## pa_dc2

Happen to see the ex wife walking out of Walmart with her new man.. Bothers me a little more than I thought it would. Think it hit her harder though cause she walked fast with her head down.


----------



## Chuck71

Possibly the fog has lifted and reality is setting in for her. Grass always looks greener on the other side. And maybe.....just maybe she is realizing you just might not give a danm anymore! Keep posting!


----------



## sharkeey

pa_dc2 said:


> Happen to see the ex wife walking out of Walmart with her new man.. Bothers me a little more than I thought it would. Think it hit her harder though cause she walked fast with her head down.


Then again maybe she just felt awkward and wanted to avoid you and get away as fast as possible. 

What's the difference what she thinks, she's gone and you need to stop caring. The sooner, the better!


----------



## pa_dc2

I don't care... But I can't say it didn't feel awkward.


----------



## twoforwardoneback

This is me said:


> Hey Synthetic I think you need to add the Midlife crisis for dummies to your list. From being here for over a year, so many of the cheating, walk aways, waywards and ILYBNLY posts point to a MLC.
> 
> MIDLIFE CRISIS for DUMMIES


OH MY GOD: That is damn funny...!!!


----------



## HiRoad

Pa_Dc, Read you story man and i hope that you are in a better place bro. Follow Syn's 10 commandments for life, it will make you a better man and very attractive to the opposite sex. 

I have been following them since my WAW served me papers 3 months ago. I can attest, that i really feel great, and hinesight i was co-dependent too. 

Wasnt when we first got married 6 years ago, i was da man, but over time i lost myself.

Since educating my self, i know what not to do in the next relationship.


----------

