# Mental health & divorce



## Boredguy (9 mo ago)

Ferl unhappy, depressed, and considering divorce, wife hasnt done anything wrong shes a good mum to our 3 children. I just feel like i have fallen out of love and we have drifted apart. I have tried to make it work and have tried doing things differently to try to save the marriage, 

Feel as tho im only here for the kids now as i dont want to upset them by leaving them, or for them to resent me in any way.

Wife doesnt know how i feel as my anxiety kicks in anytime i think about telling her, and any discussions that we do have she says im moaning at her hence why nothing gets sorted or changes in this marriage.

I have tried to think of numerous 
Ways to try and talk to the wife but have failed at every opportunity, I dont know what to do anymore.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

YOU talk about been depressed and having anxiety these issues need to be addressed first , it may well be that your marriage is not in a good place but you need to get to the end of what is bringing on your mental issues first 
As you would need to be in your best form to handle a divorce


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Big decision to make, sorry, do you have an actual diagnosis or just using the words anxiety and depressed to describe some feelings?

If you have a diagnosis, you would know, I’m sure your psychologist has told you to hold off major decisions until you’re better. If no diagnosis, and you’re just talking about unhappiness and nervousness, then that’s a good time to open up and tell your wife your marriage isn’t making you happy.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

As has been said seek medical help for the depression and anxiety. Once you have done that find a good MC and ask your wife to go along with you. There is so much you can do to make things better. Marriage courses are also a real help. 
In the end its about whether you will keep the promises made and live up to your responsibilities or whether you will run away from them. Most marriage go through dry spells, its the 'for worse' part of the 'for better and for worse'. 
Please know that your children's lives will be shattered if you leave, they don't deserve that.


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## Boredguy (9 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> As has been said seek medical help for the depression and anxiety. Once you have done that find a good MC and ask your wife to go along with you. There is so much you can do to make things better. Marriage courses are also a real help.
> In the end its about whether you will keep the promises made and live up to your responsibilities or whether you will run away from them. Most marriage go through dry spells, its the 'for worse' part of the 'for better and for worse'.
> Please know that your children's lives will be shattered if you leave, they don't deserve that.


We tried mc before, it lasted all of two days and then it all reverted back to the same daily routine


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Boredguy said:


> We tried mc before, it lasted all of two days and then it all reverted back to the same daily routine


How long did you go for?


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## Tabbygirl23 (7 mo ago)

“No matter where you go, there you are.” You can’t run from depression and general unhappiness. You can enjoy a midlife crisis and leave your family if you want but that’s gunna make it worse. Tell a doctor you need a referral to a psychiatrist so he can get you back on track with temporary meds and some personal counseling. Then when you have more confidence and information you’ll tell your wife exactly what’s wrong and how she can get involved.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Are you interested in someone else?


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## Boredguy (9 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> How long did you go for?


We was due to go until things got sorted but we only ended up going to 2 sessions and wife sais she didnt want another person in our marriage and she didnt want me to go either. So we ended our mc then. 


snowbum said:


> Are you interested in someone else?


Noone else involved, i dont mind if im on my own for the rest of my life as im happier when im alone or when its just me and the kids.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Boredguy said:


> We was due to go until things got sorted but we only ended up going to 2 sessions and wife sais she didnt want another person in our marriage and she didnt want me to go either. So we ended our mc then.
> 
> Noone else involved, i dont mind if im on my own for the rest of my life as im happier when im alone or when its just me and the kids.


You have to talk to your wife and tell her how unhappy you in your marriage. If she thinks you may leave she will hopefully agree to go to MC again.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Before marriage counseling you simply need to go to individual counseling.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Boredguy said:


> Ferl unhappy, depressed, and considering divorce, wife hasnt done anything wrong shes a good mum to our 3 children. I just feel like i have fallen out of love and we have drifted apart. I have tried to make it work and have tried doing things differently to try to save the marriage,
> 
> Feel as tho im only here for the kids now as i dont want to upset them by leaving them, or for them to resent me in any way.
> 
> ...


@Boredguy you are lying to yourself. You say you have done everything to save the marriage, well that is entirely laughable when your wife doesn't even know how you feel, you haven't talked to her about any of this, so I am not sure what saving of the marriage you are doing, it appears to be all in your imagination! Perhaps you are a moaning Minnie as you don't seem to have the balls to stand up and be a man and sit down with your wife and talk about the state of your marriage. If you did, then maybe you could actually work on it, not think you are. I really do not understand spouses who expect their other half to know what is going on in their minds, it is all about communication. I hope your unhappiness and depression is not to do with you as a person, as sometimes people blame others for what they need to be working on in themselves. You need to see a therapist, then talk with your wife on how to move forward.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Boredguy said:


> We tried mc before, it lasted all of two days and then it all reverted back to the same daily routine


Why did it last all of two days, what are you not actually telling us? maybe its individual counselling (IC) that you need instead.


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

Here we go, blaming the guy, accusing him of liking someone else, shaming him for not holding true to his vows. 

Perhaps, he's just not wanting to be married to this person anymore, perhaps they have grown apart. Perhaps he's a decent person who feels trapped by his situation. 

Yes his kids might suffer if they divorce, but perhaps more long term damage will be done by having a depressed father.

Midlife crisis it maybe, but his feelings are his and he's entitled to them. He's not cheating, he's just not happy with his relationship. 

I suspect his wife is probably quite happy with the status quo, so doesn't see the need to change. 

I say, if you know the reason you're unhappy is your relationship, change the situation. It will hurt you and your family, but don't sacrifice your life because a bunch of pro marriage Internet strangers tell you you're doing the wrong thing.

Your life, live it the way you want to.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Boredguy said:


> Ferl unhappy, depressed, and considering divorce


How long have you felt depressed?

I'd advise don't make any big decisions while your'e down. 



> I just feel like i have fallen out of love and we have drifted apart.


I don't buy that. You need to look a little deeper than those two cliches. 



> Wife doesnt know how i feel as my anxiety kicks in anytime i think about telling her


Well, that's interesting. 



> any discussions that we do have she says im moaning at her


You need to find a different way to say it that doesn't put the blame on her. 



Jamieboy said:


> Perhaps, he's just not wanting to be married to this person anymore, perhaps they have grown apart.


I'll say it again, I don't buy this "_there is no explanation_" thing.



> Yes his kids might suffer if they divorce, but perhaps more long term damage will be done by having a depressed father.


True. If it is depression, it's urgent to get it properly treated. 



> Midlife crisis it maybe, but his feelings are his and he's entitled to them.


Entitled to feel them. But not entitled to act on them, if other people will be affected. 



> I suspect his wife is probably quite happy with the status quo, so doesn't see the need to change.


That's very true. Or even more, she fears change. 



> I say, if you know the reason you're unhappy is your relationship, change the situation.


What if he doesn't yet know the reason he's unhappy?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Jamieboy said:


> Here we go, blaming the guy, accusing him of liking someone else, shaming him for not holding true to his vows.
> 
> Perhaps, he's just not wanting to be married to this person anymore, perhaps they have grown apart. Perhaps he's a decent person who feels trapped by his situation.
> 
> ...


@Jamieboy wow sounds like you might have been in the same situation. The thing is, if you have read the very first post, the OP stated and I quote 

_just feel like i have fallen out of love and we have drifted apart. I have *tried to make it work and have tried doing things differently to try to save the marriage*,

*Wife doesnt know how i feel *as my anxiety kicks in anytime i think about telling her, _

Well shiver me timbers, but in the real world, a person cannot work on the marriage if the other one doesn't know what is going on in the first place! (Not rocket science!).
It appears to me the OP may have other issues such as '*his anxiety'* which are being ascribed to the marriage when in actual fact he needs individual therapy. Too often people place the 'blame' on the spouse without examining their own issues, it may not be the marriage at all.
That is what most posters are saying. 

If he understands himself, then he can make good decisions going forward, whether its in the marriage or not.


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

aine said:


> @Jamieboy wow sounds like you might have been in the same situation. The thing is, if you have read the very first post, the OP stated and I quote
> 
> _just feel like i have fallen out of love and we have drifted apart. I have *tried to make it work and have tried doing things differently to try to save the marriage*,
> 
> ...


Yes I have been in this situation, as has anyone who has been in an ltr that didn't end because of deceit, debts, cheating, abuse etc. 

People grow and want different things, when the common ground is gone, so has the foundation of a relationship. 

I agree with for better or worse, but that is because of external factors, not external, that is my interpretation anyhow. 

I struggle and OP struggle it seems with not wanting to hurt a fundamentally decent person. 

For me at least, hurting someone else to get your needs met runs counter to my soul. But people do it all the time it seems


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## Boredguy (9 mo ago)

Jamieboy said:


> Here we go, blaming the guy, accusing him of liking someone else, shaming him for not holding true to his vows.
> 
> Perhaps, he's just not wanting to be married to this person anymore, perhaps they have grown apart. Perhaps he's a decent person who feels trapped by his situation.
> 
> ...


Thank you "jamieboy" thats exactly how i feel.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Boredguy said:


> Ferl unhappy, depressed, and considering divorce, wife hasnt done anything wrong shes a good mum to our 3 children. I just feel like i have fallen out of love and we have drifted apart. I have tried to make it work and have tried doing things differently to try to save the marriage,
> 
> Feel as tho im only here for the kids now as i dont want to upset them by leaving them, or for them to resent me in any way.
> 
> ...


Have you ever tried writing her a letter or an email (NOT texting)...? That can be a great way for people who struggle to communicate to be heard - you can make sure you say all the things you need to tell her, and she will need to read all your thoughts before responding.

I absolutely believe that you should try getting into individual counseling for yourself, to help you sort out your feelings. Just because your wife doesn't want you seeing a counselor DOES NOT mean that you shouldn't go....YOU take care of YOU. She needs to deal with her own feelings. And a good counselor would support that and help you communicate that to her if necessary.


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