# I've Checked Out



## georgia2916 (Sep 3, 2013)

I've been married to a very kind person for almost 7 years. He's a great person, very generous, and has a huge heart. But when we're at home (away from everyone), he turns into a person that I did not really know before we got married. 

See, he has anger issues and he gets frustrated often. So much that he yells really loud and begins cursing, calling me names, and sometimes throwing pillows or poking at my arms with his fingers so hard that he'd leave a bruise.

Just this past week I told him that I couldn't handle any more. I checked out. I'm done with it. But he always turns it around and says that he's going to try to change and he won't do it again, yet he yells every day, no matter what we discuss, he always finds a way to call me stupid and put me down.

The problem is that he has such a strong anger issue that I'm scared what he would do if I served him papers. He's also extremely codependent. He won't allow me to even leave the apartment so that I could walk away for a little while he cools down - he threatens me with leaving forever and me not ever seeing him again.

I've offered counseling and he won't go. I've asked him every single day to stop and he won't. I've even asked for a separation and he said, we might as well get a divorce. I've checked out of the marriage. I'm tired of making it work.

We have a business together. No kids. Both work for a ministry (same division), and my family lives in a different state.

I've began making preparations just in case, but I'm concerned, again, of how he will react. Plus, I know he'll accuse me of not sticking with him through this because for about 5 years, I was very ill with severe anemia and he stuck around (even with the anger issues - I remember telling him that I couldn't get upset or else I could have had a heart attack, it seemed as he could care less).

I need all the help I can get, please.


----------



## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Hi ~
Run as fast as you can. Get away from him.
Take Care ~


----------



## aq706 (Sep 3, 2013)

georgia2916 said:


> I've been married to a very kind person for almost 7 years. He's a great person, very generous, and has a huge heart. But when we're at home (away from everyone), he turns into a person that I did not really know before we got married.
> 
> See, he has anger issues and he gets frustrated often. So much that he yells really loud and begins cursing, calling me names, and sometimes throwing pillows or poking at my arms with his fingers so hard that he'd leave a bruise.
> 
> ...


Hi. I am new here but I just wanted to reply and tell you I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I'm sorry your husband is acting this way and I'm sure you do not deserve it. It does sound like it's best to move forward with the divorce in your situation. Have you told your family? If you're concerned for how he will react, you should have someone there with you. I know you say they live in a different state but can someone come for this important time? Would you consider moving back to where they are?


----------



## georgia2916 (Sep 3, 2013)

aq706 said:


> Hi. I am new here but I just wanted to reply and tell you I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I'm sorry your husband is acting this way and I'm sure you do not deserve it. It does sound like it's best to move forward with the divorce in your situation. Have you told your family? If you're concerned for how he will react, you should have someone there with you. I know you say they live in a different state but can someone come for this important time? Would you consider moving back to where they are?


Hi there!

My family doesn't have a clue. They think we have the best marriage. I don't know how I'd break it to them, especially through the phone and to find some time alone to talk to them, can be very difficult.

I would move, although I love it here. I just want to be happy without getting yelled at every day.


----------



## georgia2916 (Sep 3, 2013)

I am planning to tell my sister today. I'm so nervous. Any tips? My family absolutely loves my husband.


----------



## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

georgia2916 said:


> I've been married to a very kind person for almost 7 years. He's a great person, very generous, and has a huge heart.


Please re-read what else you have written and then re-evaluate your statement above.



georgia2916 said:


> See, he has anger issues and he gets frustrated often. So much that he yells really loud and begins cursing, calling me names, and sometimes throwing pillows or poking at my arms with his fingers so hard that he'd leave a bruise.


This is known as abuse. If you need to, you can contact a women's shelter for assistance. They can help you with a plan to get out.

If you feel threatened, contact the police directly.

To avoid any he said she said, if you can, purchase a voice activiated recorder (VAR) to record the times that you are at home and he goes off the deep end. Then if you call the police, you can play the recording. Do not let your husband know you have the recorder.



georgia2916 said:


> he always turns it around and says that he's going to try to change and he won't do it again, yet he yells every day, no matter what we discuss, he always finds a way to call me stupid and put me down.


He is blame shifting his problems, classic behavior of an abuser. He causes the problem and you get blamed.

Once you see the pattern you realize that he is full of $hit.



georgia2916 said:


> The problem is that he has such a strong anger issue that I'm scared what he would do if I served him papers.


If this is an issue, either have the police there when he is served or better yet, have your plans made and be gone.



georgia2916 said:


> He's also extremely codependent. He won't allow me to even leave the apartment so that I could walk away for a little while he cools down - he threatens me with leaving forever and me not ever seeing him again.


Trying to control your behavior is another classic trait of an abuser. They keep you isolated from the world so that you cannot see what you are missing. 

Besides, would him leaving bother you? 




georgia2916 said:


> I've began making preparations just in case, but I'm concerned, again, of how he will react. Plus, I know he'll accuse me of not sticking with him through this because for about 5 years, I was very ill with severe anemia and he stuck around


Good to hear that you are making plans. Remember to plan for the worst possible case senario. 



georgia2916 said:


> I am planning to tell my sister today. I'm so nervous. Any tips? My family absolutely loves my husband.


Just be completely honest with your family, they are not married to the guy or have to live with him. They should have your back.


----------



## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Yep, be honest. Ask for their love and support. I will say, it's possible that divorce is not inevitable, but he has to be woken up to his problems and make a genuine commitment to change, and you can't be around while that is happening. I think separation is the only option available. What you call codependency on his part, I call controlling and an incredible manipulative personality. Losing all control is the only way to break that effectively. You have to leave, he'll be angry at first, but when he realizes he can't control you anymore, that you are already gone, that is when you'll see if he is capable of changing or not.

Also, document everything. Try to record his tirades if you can. (If you have a smartphone, there are lots of recording apps that would work well. There are good call recorders as well if he has a habit of being angry/abusive while on the phone with you) Keep a journal of his actions. Make note of when he breaks something or hurts you in some way (pictures of bruises for instance), etc.

Then get out. If he comes after you, file for a protection order. (It's very very easy to do, and is usually temporarily approved within 24 hours) Then I'd give him a week or two, see how he responds. He'll probably start off angry, then switch to calmly making promises/trying to convince you to come home, then anger again when you don't, then switch to pleading/begging. You can't go home yet though, so make plans to live elsewhere for a while, probably at least 3-6 months. He can't experience any real growth/change in less than 3-6 months, maybe much longer.


----------



## georgia2916 (Sep 3, 2013)

C3156 said:


> Please re-read what else you have written and then re-evaluate your statement above.


If you met him in person, and even knew him for years... you would be certain that he's a good person. He really cares for people. He always wants to find out how he can help them and is very thoughtful. But for some reason, when he gets upset, it's like he turns into a different person.

I've even wondered if he was bipolar but from what I have heard, bipolar episodes are way worse and need treatment to contain.

Thank you for all of your advice. I'm going to take it to heart.


----------



## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

It's not a bad idea to consider a psychological element. Bipolar disorder can have a range of symptoms, or it could be a lesser version that is something else. Could be simple depression too.


----------



## Oblivious2678 (Sep 3, 2013)

Hello there. I'm new as of last week to this site. If your husband is not willing to help/fix himself, then unfortunately there is no positive solution. I wish he would be willing to get help. My wife as checked out of our marriage due to some personal issues I developed because of my parents/sister and not stepping up to them. Then my father passed and my mind went into a whirlwind of emotions causing lack of focus and neglecting my family. Now after counseling (I rarely ask for help), I have identified my issue and feel like myself again. However, it very likely is too late to recreate that spark for my wife. Good luck to you and I hope he realizes he needs help.


----------



## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Your husband sounds like a classic "Nice Guy" and that's not so nice if you have to live with it. Is it possible he's making covert contracts and then gets angry and frustrated when he feels he's not being appreciated? Here's a quick description from Robert Glover's website:

http://www.nomoremrniceguy.com/

_In the early 90s I had a crisis. I was about two years into my second marriage. I thought I had found the woman of my dreams. Yet I was frequently frustrated and resentful toward the woman I loved.
I did everything I could to make her happy. I tried to solve her problems. I tried to be a good father to her children. I tried to be a better man than the other men in her past. I tried to be the best lover she had ever had. I put her needs ahead of mine.

In spite of everything I did for her, it never seemed enough. I could never seem to make her happy. She was frequently moody and would lash out at me, seemingly without provocation. Our sex life sucked.

My resentment grew, but I kept it all inside. I just kept trying harder to do whatever it would take to make her happy and get her to give me the love, appreciation, and sex I so deeply desired.

I avoided conflict and withheld any information – including my feelings and wants – that I thought might rock the boat or start a fight. I lied, and I hid things. I sought external validation from other women. I was passive aggressive – expressing my pent up feelings and resentments in “humor,” put downs, sarcasm, and backhanded jabs.
When it became apparent that our relationship wasn’t working well for either of us, I decided (actually, she gave me an ultimatum, “Go to counseling or I’m leaving.”) to join a men’s group and get some counseling.

I slowly began to see how my “Nice Guy” behavior was not only not getting me what I wanted in my relationship, it was actually doing great damage. I began to learn about things like boundaries, self-care, self-soothing, and honesty.

I came to realize that the road map I had been using my entire life was extremely flawed and incapable of helping me get what I wanted. It was like I was trying to navigate my away around Seattle with a map of San Francisco. I was sure the map was accurate, but no matter how hard I tried, it never got me to my desired destination.

As my personal awareness increased, an interesting thing happened. I began to notice other men who seemed to be a lot like me.

Married men I worked with in my practice as a marriage therapist were making the same kind of statements about their partners that I had been making about mine:
“I'm one of the nicest guys I know.”
“How come I always seem to give so much more than I get?”
“All I want is to be appreciated. Is that asking too much?”
“I can never do it right.”
“She’s always mad.”
“When will it be my turn?”
“She never wants to have sex anymore.”
I could finish their sentences for them.

Then there were the single guys. The guys who either couldn’t get a date or who were deeply entrenched in the friend zone with the women they desired. These guys helped out and listened to women talk about their problems. They patiently waited, hoping the women they desired would quit lamenting over “jerks” and wake up to see what great men they were. Only to hear something like, “You’re such a great guy. You’ll make some lucky woman very happy some day.”

Over time I came to see, that like me, the road map of these passively pleasing men unconsciously influenced every area of their lives.

A Nice Guy’s primary goal is to make other people happy.

Nice Guys are dependent on external validation and avoid conflict like the plague.

Nice Guys are guided by the following three “covert contracts:

If I am a good guy, then everyone will love me and like me (and people I desire will desire me).

If I meet other people’s needs without them having to ask, then they will meet my needs without me having to ask.

If I do everything right, then I will have a smooth, problem-free life.

These covert contracts operate at an unconscious level. They don’t work for a number of reasons, but Nice Guys are convinced they should.

Because most Nice Guys believe they have kept their side of the contract, they often feel helpless and resentful when other people (and the world) don’t keep their side of the contract._


----------



## georgia2916 (Sep 3, 2013)

Oblivious2678 said:


> Hello there. I'm new as of last week to this site. If your husband is not willing to help/fix himself, then unfortunately there is no positive solution. I wish he would be willing to get help. My wife as checked out of our marriage due to some personal issues I developed because of my parents/sister and not stepping up to them. Then my father passed and my mind went into a whirlwind of emotions causing lack of focus and neglecting my family. Now after counseling (I rarely ask for help), I have identified my issue and feel like myself again. However, it very likely is too late to recreate that spark for my wife. Good luck to you and I hope he realizes he needs help.


I'm really sorry about your marriage and appreciate you sharing your story with me. It does help bring things into perspective. I wish you the best of luck.

I'm getting the feeling that this is the only option for me. But I feel I'm not strong enough to go through it.


----------



## Stevenj (Mar 26, 2014)

Sorry to hear about your situation. You are caught in a cycle that will not break because he is not willing to work on it. Battered person syndrome - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


----------

