# How do I forgive and move on?



## justforfun1222 (Feb 6, 2013)

This is going to be a long post I am afraid so here goes!

I met my husband 12 years ago, I am 7 years older than him and we were just friends to begin with because I was not comfortable with the age difference. He kept perusing however, and I finally caved in and we started dating. It was the typical way most people start out, flowers, dinner and the like. We both had children from previous relationships that were close in age. Neither of us had ever been married. I was a single mom working, going to school full-time had my own home, active in the church, my life was not wanting for anything. He seemed like the perfect guy, all the kids got along, and they liked my him so 6 months after we met, we got married. I was in my early 30's at the time and he was in his mid 20's. My husband had always dated older women though. Anyway on to what I am having problems forgiving him for. During our first year of marriage his ex moved his son to another state, since they were never married he did not have any established rights. We decided that we would file for custody of his son because his ex was for lack of a better way to put it insane and and she was an alcoholic who had been married 4 times. We won emergency temp. custody when she did not show up for court. Eventually she came back in to town and we got to see his son, and kept him. Then the battle began! During the time that his ex had his son in the other state, I kept extensive notes and we recorded phone conversations that I would go through and log in the computer. When it came time for court our attorney used my notes for his case, and we won physical custody of him. Then my husband changed. It became all about his son and not about my kids, to top that off his ex was calling in the middle of the night, showing up at the house and just harassing us in general. I got so angry because he would not stand up to her, I have a type A personality and of course looked like the bad guy all the time because I would. However, during this time I started to have some self esteem problems, and depression, I went on medication to cope. With 3 kids at home under 13 it was decided that I would quit my job and school and stay home with them, I also babysat my husbands niece who was 4. During that time, my husband's sister and her husband had his daughter from a previous marriage staying with them, she got in some trouble and got mad at her dad, and decided to tell the department of human resources he had molested her and that my husbands sister was an alcoholic. So, we ended up with temp. guardianship of my husband's niece for 4 months. His sister only had supervised visitation, so I had to go with her to take our niece to dr's appts, therapy, I dealt with the school, among other things. All this and still dealing with my husbands ex. I was exhausted, and not very happy to say the least. Money was tight, and I tried to supplement by taking care of a few kids after they got out of school and other things. My husband grew up poor and he and all his siblings spend money like it was water because of that, on stuff that they don't really need. I have always been a saver, more down to earth about what I really need vs what I want. I like nice things, but don't see a need for them if you can't afford them. I was also stressed out because my children were starting to act out, grades dropping not wanting to go to school. 7 years into the marriage, I was in therapy and miserable, but trying to make it all work. Then in 2008 I turned 40, on New Years Eve that year my husband tells me that he has done all he can and has no energy left to put into our marriage, and he moves into an apartment while his son is at his mother's for the Christmas Holidays. I am thinking you ungrateful ass, you have nothing left? Of course the first thing you think is another woman, I could have understood that more.. but it was not about that, it was about him being able to buy stuff, 4 wheelers and whatever his son wanted. So here I am no job, bills still coming and he is just gone! I pulled it together and got a job, that turned out to be a nightmare, and because the economy was so bad ended up working for the Dollar Store. Not much money in that, but had to have something. I lost EVERYTHING, and had to move in with my parents. I was devastated to say the least. For the first 8 months of our separation we talked some, dated some (strange to date your husband), he showed me lots of attention, and then out of the blue he e-mails me to tell me he thinks divorce would be best.. I am thinking you coward, anyway.. I had to meet him at the bank to take care of a few things and told him, well this is it I guess next time I see you we will be filing divorce papers. Changed my numbers and moved on with my life. 2 months later I had to contact him for a joint bill we had and he freaks out.. how have you been, why haven't you called me, let's please get together and figure all of this out. So stupid me agrees. We moved back in together in 2010 after a year of separation. My kids were not happy about that, they had lost all respect for him after he deserted all of us and they saw how devastated I was. Fast forward to 2011 my mom dies of cancer, we move into my father's house to take care of him because he has health issues, and it makes more sense. My father pays off all our bills, gives me my mother's car and all we have to do is pay for the house and the bills that come with that. He even paid to add rooms upstairs so everyone is more comfortable. My dad is an easy going person, although he is an alcoholic and so was my mother (was dealing with her being sick during 2010 as well). Since we have been back together, it is still all about his son and what my kids are doing all the time! Now my oldest is 21 and my daughter just turned 17 and is outspoken like I am so that does not go over well with him most days, he kinda picks fights with her a good deal of the time. He stays in a bad mood, shows me very little attention anymore (sex is fine) just no me and him time. I feel like what ever I do it is never enough, I take care of everything, and worry about money I am not contributing to the household. I am currently in school to finish my paralegal degree which at my age is not easy, and he is not helping me much around the home. He is too worried about what all the kids are doing, all the time. I do have money coming in, but not as much as I will have when my degree is completed, but I figured my dad paid off all those bills so we should be able to make it. I guess I might be nit picking now because I still have not forgiven him for leaving me in the situation he did, and it is hard for me to put myself all the way back in the marriage because the trust is gone. However, I feel like I owe my dad and financially right now I cannot pay for the house and bills, so I am stuck. My question is.. How do you forgive someone and move on with your relationship? He is a good man in many ways, he works hard, he helps other people, he sucks at communication, but even that has gotten some better. I sometimes think I might just be going through a mid life crisis or something.. I am just not fulfilled in this relationship and wake up every morning thinking about how to get out of it is that normal? HELP I NEED SOME INPUT!!!!! THANKS!


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## damiana879 (Aug 26, 2011)

Honey, it sounds like our situations are not that different. You are a bit more on the experienced side than I am, but the whole thing about him worrying about just his kid, picking fights with your kids, not having you and him time, but the sex is still good, that is me...my daughter is turning 15 and has told me that she is going to be either bi or lesbian, I'm not sure yet, and he picks fights with her ALL the time about it.. "God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.." my son is 10 going to be 11 and is slightly autistic, so he doesn't pick on him, but any little thing they do wrong and it's "Let me go after mom for a few hours and degrade her and her kids and exhaust her into agreeing that it is her fault." He is the one not working, hasn't been for almost 2 years now, and I do the same thing...I wake up every morning wondering how I can get out of this relationship...I think both of us need to realize that as much as we love our husbands, and we do, believe me, it may be time to rethink things. It's not a midlife crisis, because I'm not in that stage at this point yet, and I have the same thoughts and feelings you do...and you said it right, it's about the inward resentment to him for the things that he has done in the past/is doing now. It's HARD to let that go, especially when you see that it's a possibility that the same pattern may arise again. You can't trust thinking that that possibility may become a reality, and so how can you move forward in the relationship if your mind keeps coming back to that? If we keep going down this path, the body is going to give out and not in a good way...I feel it on mine, my depression has never been this deep, even when I was depressed because of the molestation I had to endure from a family friend when I was a kid. I attempted to kill myself back then, and I find myself struggling every day now to avoid that kind of thought. I'm fighting to keep myself afloat too, and I work a job that pays really good money, but with no support, it is very tough, and you have done everything you can. Like I said, I think for both of us, we need to think about why we really want to stay. If we're going through our minds about how to get out every day, what's holding us back from getting out? I wish you the best, hon.


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## hekati (Jan 24, 2013)

Some people are stronger than other. You are strong you could pull it all out. He is weak. But you loved his for what he is or was. You probably had some good days together too. That is sad he is a weak person. But for you being angry at him doesn’t make things better. It is just a waste of energy. Good thing is you know now his limitations. You know he will not be able to stand difficult time. And you should take it into account. But it doesn’t mean you can’t forgive him. You are a strong person and you’ll be fine.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I hate that people are so quick to label their issues, or their spouse's issues as a mid life crisis. Thats grasping for an excuse. Lets just say it like it is...you've had all the sh!t you can stand, and you're not going to take it any more! Finish up your paralegal degree and dump this dead weight.


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## justforfun1222 (Feb 6, 2013)

Thanks everyone.. just knowing someone is listening helps. 3Xnocharm.. I think you might have the right idea here! I only have until September until I finish, and I am trying to get some type of job now to off set what I am already bringing in. I never used to have this victim mentality that I have gotten now, I used to just shrug my shoulders and move on. My only problem is money to be honest of I would tell him to go. This house is my inheritance and my dad has it set up where I can pay it off when he dies, anyway.. Thanks so much for responding to my post!


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## justforfun1222 (Feb 6, 2013)

So I had a talk with him last night about my kids, told him that I was gonna have to be the one to fix any problems with them because since he left me before they felt very betrayed, and did not have the respect for him that they used to. He was texting me about stuff so I sent him a long e-mail detailing all of the issues. I just can't seem to talk to him in person because he gets so defensive, and if it is about the kids, he retaliates... I was hoping to make it until I graduated, but after talking to my dad tonight, it might be sooner that that if this does not change. The only thing I am asking for personally is that I be at least in the top 10 on his list of importance.. should be number one.. but whatever, I don't think he is capable of that!


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Are you just going to surprise him?
(I know its been a few weeks since your last post)


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## leegmoser (Mar 11, 2013)

Although forgiveness brings many benefits, particularly to the ‘forgiver,’ to forgive is not always easy. In fact, many people who would like to let go of anger and forgive are stumped with the question of how to forgive. While everyone may have a unique perspective on how to forgive, the following strategies have been proven effective for a variety of people.


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## justforfun1222 (Feb 6, 2013)

I am still unsure what to do, he sprang it on me when he left me that time, but my personality is not vindictive, I have a huge heart and that gets me in trouble a good bit of the time. My main problem is the fact that we are taking care of my father and he cannot afford to be on his own anymore because of his disabilities. I feel so trapped right now, and he is trying in some ways, but I just don't think we are a good match. I am not sure that it is only him I want to get away from though, I am under way to much stress right now and he really does nothing to help that out.. he just adds more by picking fights with the kids all the time. I have 3 kids living at home, my disabled dad and I am trying to finish a degree in Paralegal Studies and I do all the cleaning around the house. None of them give me any time to do what I need to do. I try to take the time and then they just complain when I am done, which also drives me insane. I need advice on how to get my life back on track.. and I am in therapy, but it does not seem to be making a dent in my unhappiness, I was diagnosed with ADHD recently and the medication for that has helped some, but I just feel like my life is such an empty shell, like I don't matter at all.. well anyway.. Thanks for listening..


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

justforfun1222 said:


> I am still unsure what to do, he sprang it on me when he left me that time, but my personality is not vindictive, I have a huge heart and that gets me in trouble a good bit of the time. My main problem is the fact that we are taking care of my father and he cannot afford to be on his own anymore because of his disabilities. I feel so trapped right now, and he is trying in some ways, but I just don't think we are a good match. I am not sure that it is only him I want to get away from though, I am under way to much stress right now and he really does nothing to help that out.. he just adds more by picking fights with the kids all the time. I have 3 kids living at home, my disabled dad and I am trying to finish a degree in Paralegal Studies and I do all the cleaning around the house. None of them give me any time to do what I need to do. I try to take the time and then they just complain when I am done, which also drives me insane. I need advice on how to get my life back on track.. and I am in therapy, but it does not seem to be making a dent in my unhappiness, I was diagnosed with ADHD recently and the medication for that has helped some, but I just feel like my life is such an empty shell, like I don't matter at all.. well anyway.. Thanks for listening..


You do matter..((((HUGS))))


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Your kids are old enough to divvy up most of the household chores. Have you delegated the basics like "clean kitchen, empty trash, vacuum weekly, wash/dry/fold laundry" so you can focus on school, work, and dad? You do matter, and this is how you can tell them you want to be shown.

It might also help to adopt an attitude of "If you have a problem with something, it's your problem to fix." 

You have some major codependency issues that are getting in the way of setting boundaries that take care of you. It's ok to respect yourself. It's necessary to set aside a little time for fun. It's also ok to let others deal with their own unhappiness instead of trying to make things perfect for everyone.


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## justforfun1222 (Feb 6, 2013)

dallasapple said:


> You do matter..((((HUGS))))


 Thanks I needed that!!!


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## justforfun1222 (Feb 6, 2013)

KathyBatesel said:


> Your kids are old enough to divvy up most of the household chores. Have you delegated the basics like "clean kitchen, empty trash, vacuum weekly, wash/dry/fold laundry" so you can focus on school, work, and dad? You do matter, and this is how you can tell them you want to be shown.
> 
> It might also help to adopt an attitude of "If you have a problem with something, it's your problem to fix."
> 
> You have some major codependency issues that are getting in the way of setting boundaries that take care of you. It's ok to respect yourself. It's necessary to set aside a little time for fun. It's also ok to let others deal with their own unhappiness instead of trying to make things perfect for everyone.


You are correct in the codependency issues and boundaries.. I am working on that now, in some areas I am doing better than others. I have tried setting up cleaning schedules, laundry schedules and such.. they do them for a while and then it is back to me having to nag to get anything done. They had all put their baskets in the laundry room day before yesterday and when they did not wash their clothes I put them back in their rooms. I would have washed them before. I have had to leave the house for a few days and got to a friends house to get some peace and quite. I have turned off my cell phone and they can only get in touch with me through my friend. I know most of my issues with my 2 kids come from being a single mom and feeling guilty for not spending enough time with them. That is something I have to get figured out before I totally fall off the side. Thanks so much for the advice you were spot on!:iagree:


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

JFF1222-Your story read like a mirror. Same situation here only I was 26 when we met, she was 32. I grew up in an average income house but was preached to save money. She was from a very poor family who, like your H, spent it as soon as they got it. When we married, her mother came to live with us. Gee....wasn't I excited! Come to find out, she was my second mother. I really loved her. Fast forward to 2007, she passed away. My ex never got over her death and when her mother's dog had puppies the next spring....she kept every one of them. It was an attachment to her mother.

Couple that with abandonment issues with her father and we had the perfect storm. She had an EA right before her mother died and I was considering a divorce. Her mother told me to take care of her baby girl and...went on a gambling trip and never came back. After being notified of her death, she was crying and begging at my feet to please do not leave her. I couldn't......I just could not live with myself if I did.

But you are what is called a survivor. You will make it through this. I did....you will too. My posts are still on-line if you care to peruse them. But I just saw stark comparisons when you mentioned the age difference and his habits.


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