# When does it all get better?



## WhiskeyVictor (Sep 13, 2016)

When does it all get better? It's been two years, I have been in therapy most of this time and have my highs and lows, but I still can't stand to hear my kids talk about this woman when they come back from visiting with their father. We're not divorced yet, and I don't know if it's because they were the ones to actually tell me about her (they were 3 and 5 then), but I am just ready for the emotional gymnastics to be over.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

It gets better when you move on.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You aren’t divorced yet. That could be the problem.

My divorce was very quick once I filed. But the period leading up to that seemed endless. My husband had moved in with his girlfriend a few months before and we were working out financial details during that time. I refused to file until those negotiations were complete and I told him I would tell everyone he was a cheater if he tried to file before I did (the one who files first controls the process). It was an incentive for him to get that done since he wanted to marry her. 

But you’ve been dealing with this for years? Why haven’t you filed?


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## WhiskeyVictor (Sep 13, 2016)

SpinyNorman said:


> It gets better when you move on.


What do you mean by this? I'm not hung up on him or anything and most of the time I'm perfectly fine and accepted the relationship and them being at her home


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## WhiskeyVictor (Sep 13, 2016)

Openminded said:


> You aren’t divorced yet. That could be the problem.
> 
> My divorce was very quick once I filed. But the period leading up to that seemed endless. My husband had moved in with his girlfriend a few months before and we were working out financial details during that time. I refused to file until those negotiations were complete and I told him I would tell everyone he was a cheater if he tried to file before I did (the one who files first controls the process). It was an incentive for him to get that done since he wanted to marry her.
> 
> But you’ve been dealing with this for years? Why haven’t you filed?


He filed last year and I guess you're right about the control part because now we have to wait for his lawyer to edit everything and for some reason they keep sending signed paperwork with multiple blatant errors. I wanted to come to an agreement first too but he said if I didn't agree with his terms then we'd have to go to court so here it is still dragging along. I wondered if the issue was that we weren't divorced too but I know women that are seemingly fine in similar situations.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

WhiskeyVictor said:


> What do you mean by this? I'm not hung up on him or anything and most of the time I'm perfectly fine and accepted the relationship and them being at her home


I mean it gets better when the focus of your life is something that has promise and/or is delivering dividends. 

Your 1st post just talks about the bad stuff from the marriage. I don't mean to diminish the difficulty of getting past that, just that it gets better once you do. Maybe you are working on that, it wasn't clear from the 1st post.

It's a cliche, but it's a process, not an event, i.e. there will be good days and bad days.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

WhiskeyVictor said:


> He filed last year and I guess you're right about the control part because now we have to wait for his lawyer to edit everything and for some reason they keep sending signed paperwork with multiple blatant errors. I wanted to come to an agreement first too but he said if I didn't agree with his terms then we'd have to go to court so here it is still dragging along. I wondered if the issue was that we weren't divorced too but I know women that are seemingly fine in similar situations.


The problem is being in limbo — not really married any more but not yet divorced. I can’t imagine anyone feeling good in that situation because it’s just hard to move on with that hanging over you. Even though I was separated for several months before my divorce was final, I didn’t start to really move on until it was over with. Then I finally felt free and what he did (or who he was with) no longer affected me.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

So it's that your children have another woman in their life, right? Their father's new squeeze.

I didn't have a problem with it, so I don't know if that ever gets better for women who do have a problem with it. What I do know is you are in a position to use the situation or to abuse the situation. Depending on the route you choose, you can make it easy or difficult for your kids.

You speak of them talking about her. If they said negative things, I imagine you would have mentioned that. So I'm going to presume they speak kindly of her. I can understand that is hard for you. But please know that I spent 12 or 13 years frequenting various stepfamily forums, and what I mostly read was stepmothers talking about how much they hate their stepkids. That sounds alarming, I know. But in some of those cases, those women had very good reason to hate the children. In some cases, the children were awful to her. In some of the cases, they hated the children because their husband disrespected the stepmother for the children's sake and also allowed the children to be disrespectful toward her. In those instances, their aggression/hatred was displaced onto the children, rather than their husband who treated them badly and allowed his kids to treat them badly. There were also the cases where the stepmother hated the children because of their hateful and interfering mother, who always caused problems in the new relationship/marriage.

Stepmothers have a very, very bad reputation just by virtue of being stepmothers. No doubt you're familiar with "Snow White" and "Cinderella." Stepmothers are referred to as "wicked" and "cruel" and "jealous" and a sundry of other unsavory labels. But not all, indeed not many, are deserving of those labels. Most stepmothers start out liking/loving their stepkids and wanting the kids to like them (sounds like your kids' stepmother). Their feelings begin to change because of the problems that arise in their lives and marriage due to the existence of the stepkids and the treatment they receive from their husband and/or the kids' mother.

The reason for the displaced aggression is mostly from women feeling deep down that there wouldn't be such problems in their marriage were it not for his kids. Compare that to a woman finding her husband with another woman. Almost invariably, she wants to rip that woman's heart out. That kind of situation never makes any sense because it's her husband's heart she should be ripping. So do you see how feelings and blame become displaced? Although it makes no sense whatsoever, it's a very human thing to do. Nobody hates their husband. They love him and want to be with him, so it's easier to blame his kids. But they don't love his ex and don't appreciate her causing problems in their marriage over the stepkids, so those feelings get displaced onto the kids, as well.

Because of the high rate of divorce, that people marry a second and third time, and that so many people have children with various different partners, stepfamilies are the most common familial situation right now and are the fastest growing, outnumbering and outgrowing the nuclear familial situation. When a marriage or relationship ends, it's normal for people to repartner, which creates the stepfamily when there are kids from previous relationships. However, the stepfamily itself is an unnatural familial situation and is riddled with numerous problems just by their nature in most cases, some of which I explained above.

What I'm getting at is to let you know that it's normal for your children to have a stepmother. If your ex-husband doesn't marry this woman, there will be another to come along. And who knows, he might get married a second or third or fourth time. And you might not be thinking about it right now, but you also will bring a new partner into their lives - a stepfather. The same goes for you too - if you don't marry that one, another will follow at some point. You also might marry a second, third, or fourth time. Both of you are human. You are both bound to repartner.

So your influence in your children's lives regarding this woman you're having a problem with can mean this woman will love your children and have a good relationship with them, or you can relate your feelings to your kids by words or actions that will influence them to dislike her as you do. And then that will cause problems for her, which can place her in the common category of hating her stepkids because of the problems they bring into her home with them. I should think that to be the last thing you want because it won't bode well for your kids when they are in her home. Wouldn't it just be better for all the adults in their lives to like/love your children? Please believe me, she's going to experience a LOT of upsetting, nerve-racking, and difficult situations just because there exists the stepfamily situation. It's best for your kids that you not make yourself the cause of any dislike or problems that may befall them when they visit their dad.

Thinking of the benefit to your kids is when this gets better for you. Appreciate that they speak of her because it means she doesn't hate them. Know also that she feels some kind of way when they talk about you too. You're both experiencing these very human emotions. The trick is how you deal with those feelings. So think of your kids. Love them more than you dislike her. In fact, the most successful stepfamilies are ones where the mom and stepmother get along well. You might not want to have anything to do with her, but there's nothing wrong with befriending her or at least remaining cordial toward her. But I've known a few who became friendly and sociable, and I know of one situation where mom and stepmom became best friends. It was hard to relate to until I saw them hug each other. Hey, it happens. And that's a good thing.

And don't forget, when you start meeting and dating and decide to be with or marry someone, you, yourself, are going to become a stepmother more than likely. Hopefully, your own experience will be pleasant throughout but even if it is, you're going to experience what it's like first-hand. There will be difficulties regardless, and the last thing you need is their mother causing problems in your home.

I'm sorry I wrote so much, but I hope you found this novel informative and helpful.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

WhiskeyVictor said:


> When does it all get better? It's been two years, I have been in therapy most of this time and have my highs and lows, but I still can't stand to hear my kids talk about this woman when they come back from visiting with their father. We're not divorced yet, and I don't know if it's because they were the ones to actually tell me about her (they were 3 and 5 then), but I am just ready for the emotional gymnastics to be over.


Do your kids like her? do they like going to their fathers? if yes, you should be happy about it. Your children are spending significant amount of time in that house, so you want them to feel comfortable and being treated right by your ex's new SO. It is good for your children.

As in regards to your ex blackmailing you about going to the court. Does he really have a case to go to court that he thinks court will rule they way he wants? Once you go to court, all your negotiation don't matter, it is up to the judge.


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## Dadto2 (Aug 11, 2020)

Did your ex leave you for this woman? If so, that takes a while to go away (4 yrs in my case). If he met her after you split, why not try to be friendly with her for the sake of your kids. Divorce sucks. Usually the best way to get over it is by meeting someone else. Just be careful you don't make the same mistakes.


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## WhiskeyVictor (Sep 13, 2016)

WandaJ said:


> Do your kids like her? do they like going to their fathers? if yes, you should be happy about it. Your children are spending significant amount of time in that house, so you want them to feel comfortable and being treated right by your ex's new SO. It is good for your children.
> 
> As in regards to your ex blackmailing you about going to the court. Does he really have a case to go to court that he thinks court will rule they way he wants? Once you go to court, all your negotiation don't matter, it is up to the judge.


I don't know if they like her, I haven't asked them about her outside of when they initially informed me about her. They don't send a significant amount of time there, less than 20 hours a week, but I'll leave it for you to be happy in such a situation. As far as court, I think it was more like if I want it then Ill have to pay to get it. He's not the negotiating or compromising type, not with me anyway.


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## WhiskeyVictor (Sep 13, 2016)

Dadto2 said:


> Did your ex leave you for this woman? If so, that takes a while to go away (4 yrs in my case). If he met her after you split, why not try to be friendly with her for the sake of your kids. Divorce sucks. Usually the best way to get over it is by meeting someone else. Just be careful you don't make the same mistakes.


She is his AP. I tried to meet her and asked him to introduce us more than once but I guess they are not interested in doing so. She has three kids of her own and I don't know their relationship with their fathers but this is what they've chosen for me at least. I've been going to therapy the last couple of years so hopefully when I begin to date I can avoid the same mistakes and recognize red flags. 

If you have time, you can read my first or second post and it'll give more background into the situation.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

WhiskeyVictor said:


> I don't know if they like her, I haven't asked them about her outside of when they initially informed me about her. They don't send a significant amount of time there, less than 20 hours a week, but I'll leave it for you to be happy in such a situation. As far as court, I think it was more like if I want it then Ill have to pay to get it. He's not the negotiating or compromising type, not with me anyway.


The court may make him pay your attorneys fees, all depends on situation. Are you sure he holds all the cards about finances? What does your lawyer says?


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