# Finally standing up for myself...Parents please read



## mega1 (Sep 20, 2013)

Hi there. Many of you know my story. But I have quick question.

I'm considering backing out of a lease my husband roped us into. I think I found an out. 

Here's my question. I have 7 year old son. I don't see him enough because of work. I try to get home on dinner break to spend at least half hour with him. 

As for housing.. Choices. 

1) house about 20 min away in traffic. Very small. And gloomy. Nice yard. Close to son's school. 

2) Condo (very pretty) near wooded trails. Tennis court. No "yard". About 5-10 min from my work .. For dinner break traffic. About 10-15 min drive to son's school in am. 

What would you chose if they were close in price?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## H30 (Nov 23, 2013)

First of all I have to say if you are trying to get out of a lease, make sure you get everything in writing (I work in property management, and have been screwed over by bad roommates in college). 

Second, #2 sounds nice and close to the school. Is a yard really that important to you?

I guess the description of being gloomy just sounds depressing. Plus #2 is closer to your sons school. If you are considering the yard for your son, you can just as easily go to nearby parks


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Close to school is major better than close to work.

With the school so close, his friends will also be very close and when your kids have other kids to play with easily, that is a happy situation indeed!

Little cheery paint can go a long way.


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## bevixnz (Nov 22, 2013)

Option A, close to school and nice yard for your child to play in.


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## Almost There (Oct 23, 2013)

Definitely #2. It seems just from the language that you like it better anyways, and 10-15 minutes to school is absolutely nothing. Gloomy does not sound like a place I'd want to live!!


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

mega1 said:


> Hi there. Many of you know my story. But I have quick question.
> 
> I'm considering backing out of a lease my husband roped us into. I think I found an out.
> 
> ...


I would choose 1) close to the school and nice yard.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Pretty beats small and gloomy any day of the week.

I'd go with #2.


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## greenfern (Oct 20, 2012)

mega1 said:


> Hi
> 1) house about 20 min away in traffic. Very small. And gloomy. Nice yard. Close to son's school.
> 
> 2) Condo (very pretty) near wooded trails. Tennis court. No "yard". About 5-10 min from my work .. For dinner break traffic. About 10-15 min drive to son's school in am.
> ...


Agreed with its better to be close to school, as long as it isn't too gloomy. I had my kids in a condo after my separation & even though it was gorgeous and huge, they missed being able to go outside (although having 2 vs 1 kid makes a big difference).


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

I'd go for the condo as well. Close to work and school, plus with a condo, you'll be able to avoid repeating the fight over his "need" for a lawn service and potentially the housekeeper/maid service fight as well. 

A win on so many levels!


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## mega1 (Sep 20, 2013)

Do you know that he had ALREADY gotten an estimate on the lawn work for the house/lease he picked!?!

I mean...REALLY -- we haven't even moved in yet. And it was 170 dollars a month! I told him that was another reason we should do the CONDO.

He said that we would pay at least that in STORAGE because the condo is so small. It's 1800 sq feet. That's not that bad, right? Yes, our current house is 2800 sq feet...but we could survive.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Already getting quotes for his "staff", eh? Because his calendar is so jam-packed he doesn't have time to mow the lawn or clean the kitchen?

Shocking. 

1800 sq feet should be plenty for three people. My townhouse is about 1200 and before I had it, a couple with 1 full-time and 1 part-time kid lived there. The only reason they moved was because they ended up with custody of the part time kid and they needed another bedroom for that one. I can understand storing furniture or a few things like that if you downsize, but really--if your everyday "stuff" requires 2800 sq ft, you might look at what you're hanging on to before you just toss it all into storage. But yeah, it will definitely feel smaller at first, but 1800 sq ft is still quite a bit of room.


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## mega1 (Sep 20, 2013)

I don't think I really have a choice. He's now insisting that he's not allowing "us" to move elsewhere. He says it's too late. The move is scheduled (again while he's at work) and we don't have a replacement tenant. He isn't willing to take a risk and wait to see if someone comes along to rent this "dark house".

So...I have one choice...unless I chose to leave my husband. But, I suppose ...it's not really his fault. I could have stopped him from signing the lease on the house I don't like. I told him I didn't want to move there - but I didn't prevent him from signing it.

I could move into the condo on my own. But, he has no real income -- so in a community property state -- the lease would become my problem. So, once again -- I have no choice.

He said he wanted to do anything he could to make me happy....so when I called and told him I wanted to do the condo and figure out a way to make that happen...he said that wasn't possible. 

If I want to keep my family together over the holidays-- I have to move into a house I hate... and deal with it.


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## greenfern (Oct 20, 2012)

1800 sq ft for 3 people is beyond big enough. Sell some stuff & put the money towards the debt.

Which place is cheaper & by how much? A house will have bigger upkeep costs, even for a rental. I suspect maybe you want the condo because you could see yourself & son living there without the husband? If so for goodness sakes do it. You don't want to move again in a couple months.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

With a condo, you want to read a few years of the association meetings, and figure out the fees and other things that could be required of you to do, some of which might require $. Restrictions on pets, # people in condo, subletting, hanging out laundry, type of washer and dryer, etc. 

With a house you have more autonomy and can have a garden, yard for kid to play in, etc.

Also about job...how stable is it and what other options around each type of house.

Finally, do buy vs. rent calculator and check to see what break-even point is after fees and maintenance and all that.

I like renting, myself, as close to school/work as possible. There are some hassles, but none of the financial risk involved with buying, and none of the maintenance when the heating system breaks down or the roof leaks, etc.


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## julianne (Sep 18, 2013)

Why does your husband like spending money so much? Did he grow up with money?


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## greenfern (Oct 20, 2012)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> With a condo, you want to read a few years of the association meetings, and figure out the fees and other things that could be required of you to do, some of which might require $. Restrictions on pets, # people in condo, subletting, hanging out laundry, type of washer and dryer, etc.
> 
> With a house you have more autonomy and can have a garden, yard for kid to play in, etc.
> 
> ...


I think either condo or house, the OP is renting at this point so its just a matter of which rental property is better.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Anon Pink said:


> Close to school is major better than close to work.
> 
> *With the school so close, his friends will also be very close and when your kids have other kids to play with easily, that is a happy situation indeed!*
> 
> Little cheery paint can go a long way.


This

When I was a kid I remember being unable to stay over my friends houses or hang out after school because I lived so far, it wasn't good socially


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

mega1 said:


> I don't think I really have a choice. He's now insisting that he's not allowing "us" to move elsewhere.
> 
> I could have stopped him from signing the lease on the house I don't like. I told him I didn't want to move there - but I didn't prevent him from signing it.
> 
> ...


And the title of your post is "Finally standing up for myself..." Yeah, right ... sounds like it.


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## mega1 (Sep 20, 2013)

So my husband had agreed that if I could find a replacement tenant for the dark dismal house before we moved in this weekend, we could find another place. So I did get a replacement. The guy applied with landlord. 

In the meantime my husband looked at 2 properties and shot the condo down. So I said them we can go to xyz house? He said "see if we can still get it". So I did and the realtor said... Yes but you have to be legit this time. I said no problem! 

Went to talk to my husband this am and he said "he's not comfortable" with abandoning the dark house until everything is all completed. I told him we got the go ahead and we are fine. 

He now says he "doesn't know what to tell me". I said I need to know NOW how you feel about this because I can't keep hanging people out to dry. He said "he can't answer that right now" and only "he has concerns". 

I said you need to tell me now where you want to live. He said "I'll call you back". 

I'm going to scream. This is insane, right? 

He can't make a decision to save his life. I've asked and asked and asked. 

What do I do? If I say we are moving to the house we BOTH agreed on..He's going to say its my fault if anything goes wrong.




Prodigal said:


> And the title of your post is "Finally standing up for myself..." Yeah, right ... sounds like it.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Sorry to break it to you, but his dissatisfaction is going to be there and be your fault no matter what you do....

Why does he even get a vote? He won't work at anything you don't hand to him on a silver platter, he won't work around the house and isn't interested in improving any of it. Do what makes the most sense to get yourself out of this hole the two of you have dug and if he doesn't like it, he's more than welcome to earn the difference to upgrade....


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Yeah um no. He's going to pin this all on you no matter which way you go.

So I'm with CO. Pick the place YOU like, the one that makes the most sense for YOU and if he doesn't like it HE can get a job to move somewhere else.


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## mega1 (Sep 20, 2013)

The problem is we are in community property state ... His name is on the lease. So when/if he default... I will have both payments. So I have to go the safe route to protect myself. He totally screwed me here. He has no solid income. Maybe 1k a month. Lease can only be paid by me. 




Mavash. said:


> Yeah um no. He's going to pin this all on you no matter which way you go.
> 
> So I'm with CO. Pick the place YOU like, the one that makes the most sense for YOU and if he doesn't like it HE can get a job to move somewhere else.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

mega1 said:


> Hi there. Many of you know my story. But I have quick question.
> 
> I'm considering backing out of a lease my husband roped us into. I think I found an out.
> 
> ...



I'd go for option 2. IMO, the extra minutes spent in morning and evening traffic would be worth it if you get to live in more cheerful surroundings. Weekends and early evening you can take your son for lots of walks and explore the wooded trails, and in summer perhaps you can teach him to play tennis.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

mega1 said:


> The problem is we are in community property state ... His name is on the lease. So when/if he default... I will have both payments. So I have to go the safe route to protect myself. He totally screwed me here. He has no solid income. Maybe 1k a month. Lease can only be paid by me


Both payments? I thought the plan was to break the lease and move somewhere cheaper. I must be missing some aspect of this.


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## mega1 (Sep 20, 2013)

He agreed to leave the pricey lease but he signed a lease on a cheaper house that I despise. He said he thought it was the only real option. 

So I didn't want to go there, so I started to try to find a replavement FAST. I hated it. He said okay... As long as you the replacement. So I did. But the paperwork isn't all formal yet and we have to move by Friday. 

Hubby says... Cutting it too close, we must move into house you don't like. 
So...I'm stuck. 

If the paperwork gets all done Friday... I won't have another house to go to. He kept going back and forth... Said sure! Let's get the other house. But now says no because he's scared the new tenant's lease won't work. 




Mavash. said:


> Both payments? I thought the plan was to break the lease and move somewhere cheaper. I must be missing some aspect of this.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greenfern (Oct 20, 2012)

mega1 said:


> So my husband had agreed that if I could find a replacement tenant for the dark dismal house before we moved in this weekend, we could find another place. So I did get a replacement. The guy applied with landlord.
> 
> In the meantime my husband looked at 2 properties and shot the condo down. So I said them we can go to xyz house? He said "see if we can still get it". So I did and the realtor said... Yes but you have to be legit this time. I said no problem!
> 
> ...


You guys both make me want to scream! You make decisions so quickly, he signs a lease, you are supposed to move, you break your current lease, you get a new tenant for the house you never moved into. Slow down!

In a community property state (I don't know what this is) can he still sign a lease that doesn't have your name on it? Honestly I would go ahead with the place you want, sign the lease. If he goes to sign some other lease (I can't believe even he would do something so crazy) then go to the prospective landlord and say you are not on board.

I am a landlord and I would never take a lease for two people even if married, if only one signed for it.


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## greenfern (Oct 20, 2012)

More advice...you are giving him too much power. He will not give you approval because he doesn't want to be responsible for a decision you initiate. So trust in your own decision that you think will be right for your family. If he doesn't like it argue its points and why it is better. 

I am not recommending you pull the "I make the money so I make the decisions" card though. IMHO thats not really fair. The only argument I can see from his side is that you (reluctantly) agreed to the dark/dismal house. So you are actually the one that backed out of that & caused a lot of these current issues.


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## mega1 (Sep 20, 2013)

No...you are absolutely right and WHY I am just reluctantly going through with it. The problem is that I didn't scream NO and prevent him from doing this in the first place. He told me that he feared we would have NO house -- since we got out of the initial big ticket lease with a Nov 30th end date.

So...I feel it's best I don't change course without his support since I am the instigator ...

It's a mess...and one I'm going to have to live with. 

What IS interesting is that I could not pin that man down. He would NOT give me a straight answer. I kept saying "I need to know where you stand"..."what is your opinion"..

He could NOT say anything other than "let's talk about this later" "I don't' know what to tell you" "you are putting too much pressure on me" "What do you want me to say...I'm not comfortable"....

I could not get a straight answer. THAT is the core issue I think of EVERYTHING. He won't pursue jobs I give him leads on...He won't do ANYTHING unless it's just turn-key easy for him. He has NO drive.... and certainly will go where he's being led.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

greenfern said:


> I am a landlord and I would never take a lease for two people even if married, if only one signed for it.


This and okay now I get it. 

I wonder how he qualified for a lease without income and without the wife's/breadwinners signature???

I'm a homemaker and I can get utilities but I'd need my husbands signature to buy or rent.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Just because you live in a community property state does not necessarily mean you would be liable for the rent. To begin with, I'd be interested to know how he qualified. Did he put down your income without you signing the lease?

People are under the assumption, many times, that community property means everything is split 50/50. Not so. 

Talk about someone in desperate need of legal counsel ... You should run - not walk - to the nearest attorney who is knowledgeable about real estate law.

Here is an example of how I am NOT liable for my home in a community property state: I am on the title to the house. However, I am not on the mortgage. It's called protecting my interests. If my estranged husband defaults on the mortgage, I am not liable - IN A COMMUNITY PROPERTY STATE. However, when he withdrew the equity, I was entitled to half because I am on the title of the house.

You may not be liable.


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## greenfern (Oct 20, 2012)

Hi mega1, did you decide to move then, or were you able to extend the big house lease?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Mega, you're blaming everyone else for what YOU have created for yourself. 

1. Nobody forced you to marry a deadbeat who doesn't pull his weight financially. 
2. You claim you have no choice but to work crazy hours that keep you from seeing your son, but yes, you do. Those choices, like all choices, come with consequences, but you DO have them. 

It seems like you would benefit from talking to an attorney and a financial planner. The attorney can tell you if you can notify the landlord of this lease that YOU didn't sign if you'd be responsible for paying it. The financial planner can help you get from where you are to where you would like to be. 

But no matter what, you'll continue to be in this boat until YOU change your expectations and until YOU start being true to your values. If your priority is to spend time with your son, then HOW MUCH of a priority is it? Is it enough of a priority to quit this job and take a pay cut?


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Why on earth do you keep depending on your deadbeat loser to make any decisions that affect you?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

SadandAngry said:


> Why on earth do you keep depending on your deadbeat loser to make any decisions that affect you?


Good question, Sad ... although I'm still waiting for mega to step up to the plate and actually give an honest response as to why she is REALLY staying with this character ...

Kathy makes a great point. mega doesn't seem to take responsibility for her own choices, preferring to paint herself as a hapless/helpless victim of circumstance(s).


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Of course, she paints herself the victim, yet she continues to give him vital, crucial, and ultimately simple tasks, that he consistently finds a way to produce shockingly bad outcomes from. It would be incredible if he were simply that stunningly inept. How much damage has he caused you since September alone, in financial terms? In excess of $120,000. And how much effort is he prepared to put forth to contribute to recovering? Zero. But it's ok because even though you don't find him attractive, he will cook a meal, or rub your back. Let me tell you, you can pay trained professionals to do a far better job at those tasks for you, for a tiny fraction of a percent of what he is costing you.


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## mega1 (Sep 20, 2013)

You are all correct. I think the reason I stay is that I feel scared to be alone AND that I too am not capable of taking care of myself. 

I agree that I may stay to keep the blame off of me when things go bad. Clearly I have my own failures. 

But .. Even though it may not seem like it... I am getting help through all of you. 




SadandAngry said:


> Of course, she paints herself the victim, yet she continues to give him vital, crucial, and ultimately simple tasks, that he consistently finds a way to produce shockingly bad outcomes from. It would be incredible if he were simply that stunningly inept. How much damage has he caused you since September alone, in financial terms? In excess of $120,000. And how much effort is he prepared to put forth to contribute to recovering? Zero. But it's ok because even though you don't find him attractive, he will cook a meal, or rub your back. Let me tell you, you can pay trained professionals to do a far better job at those tasks for you, for a tiny fraction of a percent of what he is costing you.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

mega1 said:


> I think the reason I stay is that I feel scared to be alone AND that I too am not capable of taking care of myself.


mega, I hope you will explain this to me. I am not being sarcastic, because I really think you are onto something. 

To begin with, what do you really mean about feeling "scared to be alone"? Aren't there times you feel alone, abandoned, and minimized by your husband? Think about this carefully ... what does "alone" means to you exactly?

Hon, you ARE taking care of yourself and him and your son. You need to start working one job. Then you cut back on your lifestyle, while enjoying what you do for a living. You can have a more time with your son and live modestly. It isn't awful. Lots of us do it. 

mega, I carried the load for a long time. I had a husband who felt entitled to work me to death while he pursued his schemes of grandeur in his chosen "career" as a "sales professional." 

I walked out on him at 10 p.m. on a Sunday night with the clothes on my back. I not only survived, I excelled.

The only thing holding you back is YOU. You are throwing your life away. And you only get one time 'round. 

The biggest tragedy in this is you are hanging onto magical, what-if thinking. And you are shortchanging your son.

If you so desire, you can continue to come here and b!tch and moan all you want. But seriously, you are trashing your own life. Your husband's life is his to own. He isn't the main contributor to your misery. YOU are.

Sorry to be harsh. I'm no hero or special person. I walked away from two alcoholic husbands, survived cancer, the loss of two people I thought would never leave my side, and a bunch of other crap.

Again, I am no hero. I just woke up one morning and realized complaining got me nowhere, nor did my expectations of what other people should be doing to please me or make my life "complete."

Think about it.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

If there is no man in the picture I would choose the option that has the least amount of blind spots. The criminology in me is always on.


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## mega1 (Sep 20, 2013)

Thank you. I totally understand what you are saying but it's hard to get it to sink into my head. 

Btw I appreciate your stories of strength and perseverance, Prodigal. Surviving cancer... My goodness... Congrats!

I have heard people say that months/years after they left, they wondered what they waited for! 

Doing some tony Robbins exercises has helped me realize that I grew up with a mother who has a lot of similarities to my husband! And many times I had to take care of her emotionally... And She taught us there's nothing more important than the family unit. That's despite the fact that she didn't realize I was being abused by a family friend who was also a known criminal... She left me to hang out with a 42 year old man... All the time, when I was taking horseback riding lessons. 

I guess my point is that I realized through this forum and through my therapy/exercises that I grew up thinking the married family unit was most important... Never to disrupt it...even when I was being abused. And now I realize that I am doing exactly that in my own life. Not sexual abuse or physical abuse... But bad behavior none the less...

Being alone to me... Means I am not good enough to have someone love me, that I'm the "odd" one. 

And I fight that everyday (even married) because I grew up with this disgusting abuse in my mind... And I didn't have real friendships because of it. I held people at a distance. 



Prodigal said:


> mega, I hope you will explain this to me. I am not being sarcastic, because I really think you are onto something.
> 
> To begin with, what do you really mean about feeling "scared to be alone"? Aren't there times you feel alone, abandoned, and minimized by your husband? Think about this carefully ... what does "alone" means to you exactly?
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

mega1 said:


> Thank you. I totally understand what you are saying but it's hard to get it to sink into my head.
> 
> Btw I appreciate your stories of strength and perseverance, Prodigal. Surviving cancer... My goodness... Congrats!
> 
> ...


I'm sitting in my chair and cheering you on. Bravo! You're starting to move forward! 

I do want to say something about that mistaken belief, "I'm not good enough." As an abuse survivor myself, I knew I was good for sexual stuff, but not much else came to mind. Worse, I learned the hard way that people will reinforce that message whenever you're not dong what they want you to. I can't tell you how many times I was called a b*tch, crazy, overreactive, and argumentative. And there's a grain of truth to those accusations, so I took them to heart. 

However, by NOT being afraid to walk away from several alcoholic, abusive relationships, I was able to find the one that reinforces a different message - that I'm beautiful, smart, sexy, and fun. I won't say it was an easy path to find out how "to be" in this kind of relationship, but it is well worth it.


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## mega1 (Sep 20, 2013)

Thank you, Kathy. So much of what you said rings true... When there is a "hint of truth" to something, you begin to blame yourself. 

Here's what I worry about. What if I am the problem in this relationship?! We all have flaws, of course. But, my husband does call me sexy, tell me I'm a good Mom etc. he truly says all the right things.. A lot of the time. But when it comes to DOING things... He just doesn't show his support. 

I have fought so many battles. It's enabling yes.. But it wouldn't get done, If I didn't do it! 

I am a go getter by nature.. So I treat my husband as my child. I am doing everything for my family. I want him to be happy just like I want our son to be happy. At whatever cost... To me. 

It's screwed up! But I'm still working through it. I'm trying.. So that's a good step, right? 

For example.. I pulled off a hail Mary and found a house that we can all agree on. And it's cheaper! Now I'm having to handle ALL of it... But I'm doing it because I want to live in a place that makes me happy. So I will fight tooth and nail to make that a reality. So I did! And it worked. Moved yesterday and some this morning. 

Husband says he will need to take a break from unpacking today to watch his football game. 

Thanks again for your insight/support. 



KathyBatesel said:


> I'm sitting in my chair and cheering you on. Bravo! You're starting to move forward!
> 
> I do want to say something about that mistaken belief, "I'm not good enough." As an abuse survivor myself, I knew I was good for sexual stuff, but not much else came to mind. Worse, I learned the hard way that people will reinforce that message whenever you're not dong what they want you to. I can't tell you how many times I was called a b*tch, crazy, overreactive, and argumentative. And there's a grain of truth to those accusations, so I took them to heart.
> 
> However, by NOT being afraid to walk away from several alcoholic, abusive relationships, I was able to find the one that reinforces a different message - that I'm beautiful, smart, sexy, and fun. I won't say it was an easy path to find out how "to be" in this kind of relationship, but it is well worth it.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Okay I don't have Prodigal or Kathy experience but I don't see why you would bring up divorce when she didn't ask for advice of staying with her husband she ask for advice on the house. ICBW. But anyway her relationship seem far from good but not hopeless. And plus there some things she can do too improve things for herself and speak up for herself. It seem like this marriage is salvageable. She can set boundaries which it doesn't seem like she have done. 

Really I'm just trying to see both your perspective but it doesn't seem wrong that she stay with her husband.


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## mega1 (Sep 20, 2013)

The reason they chimed in that way is because I've been on this forum with other posts. And they have given me helpful insight over a period of time. 

Thank you for your support...



committed4ever said:


> Okay I don't have Prodigal or Kathy experience but I don't see why you would bring up divorce when she didn't ask for advice of staying with her husband she ask for advice on the house. ICBW. But anyway her relationship seem far from good but not hopeless. And plus there some things she can do too improve things for herself and speak up for herself. It seem like this marriage is salvageable. She can set boundaries which it doesn't seem like she have done.
> 
> Really I'm just trying to see both your perspective but it doesn't seem wrong that she stay with her husband.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

committed4ever said:


> Okay I don't have Prodigal or Kathy experience but I don't see why you would bring up divorce when she didn't ask for advice of staying with her husband she ask for advice on the house.


I suggest you read other threads started by mega. Also, I don't see where Kathy or I used the "D-word." I am not advocating mega divorce her husband.

I wish people would actually READ an entire thread, and other threads, by a poster before chiming in. Seriously.

And mega ... I understand where you are coming from. Please think about what you said regarding keeping the family unit intact, while you also feel a need to keep people at a distance.

See, from what you have posted on TAM, it seems to me that you feel safe with your husband. Granted, the relationship may appear dysfunctional as he!!, but he DOES allow you to maintain a sense of distance. You work a lot, you do the heavy lifting to keep the relationship above water ... but it also allows you to maintain distance.

I am not a counselor, so I'm only speculating. I married two men who, in hindsight, allowed me to maintain a sense of being not-quite-attached to them. I am coming from the perspective of my own experience, and I'm spit balling here, but could I be on the right track?


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Prodigal said:


> I suggest you read other threads started by mega. Also, I don't see where Kathy or I used the "D-word." I am not advocating mega divorce her husband.
> 
> I wish people would actually READ an entire thread, and other threads, by a poster before chiming in. Seriously.


Sorry Prodigal you right. I did read the whole thread I just didn't read carefully. I guess I just read that into it when you said you couldn't figure out why she staying with him. 

And I have read her other threads too by the way.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

I think there's truth to the notion that we create our own little versions of the world that cater to our insecurities. We choose partners who fill the roles that we grew accustomed to in childhood, who will work along with our inadequate and dysfunctional coping strategies, just as we play along with theirs. It takes real effort to break out of that, to do the work to figure out what you do to screw your own life up, and to start to change.

That's probably one of the more amazing things about TAM. You get people here who have been in crisis, and have made the leap, out of necessity, and they help show others the way.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

SadandAngry said:


> I think there's truth to the notion that we create our own little versions of the world that cater to our insecurities. We choose partners who fill the roles that we grew accustomed to in childhood, who will work along with our inadequate and dysfunctional coping strategies, just as we play along with theirs. It takes real effort to break out of that, to do the work to figure out what you do to screw your own life up, and to start to change.
> 
> That's probably one of the more amazing things about TAM. You get people here who have been in crisis, and have made the leap, out of necessity, and they help show others the way.


*^ I 100% agree! *



mega1 said:


> When there is a "hint of truth" to something, you begin to blame yourself.
> 
> Here's what I worry about. What if I am the problem in this relationship?!
> 
> ...


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