# Whining again! Help!!!



## TryingToStayCalm (Dec 11, 2011)

What would you do if your husband was complaining about his job ALL THE TIME he talks to you? 

He hates it, but at the moment there's nothing better around. Objectively, it's a really good job but he doesn't like it. I sit and listen and listen, and nod and nod but sometimes I feel I just can't take it anymore!!!! I just want to throw up or scream!!! I would like to tell him to be grateful that he hasn't got a really terrible job or no job at all. But I can't - he would label me as unsupportive or not-willing-to-understand and he would throw it at my face sometime in the future. So no, thank you. 

When I have a hard time what keeps me sane is one thought: "now it's tough but be grateful it's not worse". But he's always looking at it as in "it's so horrible and it could be so much better". I want to be supportive and that's why I try to comfort him but I just think he doesn't see that it could be so much worse and that he should just wait more or less patiently for anything better to come up. I'm really desperate. Please, can anyone give me some advice???


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Be grateful that he comes to you to talk about it. 

Nothing worse than a spouse who goes to other people to talk about problems.

He's miserable. Depressed. He's saying HELP ME...and he's coming to you for whatever need he has from you to feel better.


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## TryingToStayCalm (Dec 11, 2011)

I know and I do everything I can to help him but let's face the truth - he's a man, a grown-up, objectively no harm is being done to him and although I know, really know, how it is to be in a ****ty job (much, much worse than his), I also know that if you can't do anything about it right now, you just have to suck it up for the time being. I could also whine all the time about my situation, but I don't as I know that it won't change anything and will just make him miserable. So I suck it up hope some day it will change. I would like him to do the same.


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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

That is tough. More than likely, it's just carthesis he's looking for since he can't really expect you to solve the problem, or even have an idea that will help him.

I don't recommend holding it in. I never recommend that. I think the challenge here is going to be framing it so that he sees it is becoming more than you can deal with emotionally, while not putting him off. So with that in mind ... 

Is it possible for you to talk directly and tell him that you understand the level of frustration and stress this is causing him? Tell him it is causing you stress as well (because it is). Explain that as much as you want to continue to help, it is becoming heavier than you can handle, and you need to blow off steam as much as he does right now, but you don't have an outlet. Maybe from there you can move on to looking at counseling, or brainstorming together on what can be done as an alternative outlet for one or both of you? I suppose that alternative outlet depends on what interests him, you, or both ... maybe raquetball? Maybe a little bit of talking as you play (a lot of men do this I think). Maybe it is a different activity. Maybe the two of you can agree that he needs an outlet for catharsis, but that you can't be it for a while, and maybe you can find another outlet for that (maybe he plays raquetball with his friend, for example). If he has to talk to someone else, then you might have to make a little more effort to find conversations the two of you can have about things that are meaningful to both of you, but not as heavy for you.

Of course, as a man, I'll have to say there is nobody I would rather talk to than my wife. There are some things that I just can't say to anybody else ... I don't know what your situation is, but it may be that there is nobody else he can talk to. Is there a context where you can let him blow off steam while you are participating with him?

Just a couple of thought from my perspective.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Well, then tell him so.

I told my husband to stop *****ing about his job...he was like your husband and it sucked because he would complain 24/7 and there was nothing out there at the time. he was miserable, but I didn't want to hear it.

This broke our communication. He said it was then, when I told him to not talk to me about his job anymore, that he really knew he wanted to leave me.

I dunno. I could have been nicer. I could have just listened or told him nicely how I felt about listening to it. Maybe installed a law of the home that we each get 30 minutes to ***** and that's it.

All I know, is that he left me for 3 months. Now, I'm more than happy to listen to whatever he has to say...I won't emotionally shut him out again.

But that's just my story with this.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Next time he starts complaining, give him a neck and shoulder rub. Say, "I know, hon, but we'll get through this." Change the subject to something more pleasant. 

Make sure you connect with him in the bedroom--sex is a great stress reliever.

Try telling a story about someone at work who always complains and drives you crazy. He may see the connection, and work on changing this about himself.


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## TryingToStayCalm (Dec 11, 2011)

Thank you very much. Really. I feel like crying at the moment as I just can't take it anymore. And I'm at work. That sucks. He doesn't have anyone else to talk to because we live far away from our families. I would like him to just get a grip on himself, because it's really not as tragical as he portrays it! And on the one hand I feel really depressed that he feels that way and on the other I'm angry at him that he can't just try to look at it from a different perspective. And maybe with more humility - that many people really have it zilion times harder than he has. But he doesn't. And I can't, just can't listen the same complains all the time. I just can't.


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## TryingToStayCalm (Dec 11, 2011)

lovesherman - Thanks, tried all that - doesn't work a bit. He doesn't reflect on how his constant complaining is affecting me. And honestly, I don't think he cares about anything but his "tragic situation".


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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

TryingToStayCalm said:


> Thank you very much. Really. I feel like crying at the moment as I just can't take it anymore. And I'm at work. That sucks. He doesn't have anyone else to talk to because we live far away from our families. I would like him to just get a grip on himself, because it's really not as tragical as he portrays it! And on the one hand I feel really depressed that he feels that way and on the other I'm angry at him that he can't just try to look at it from a different perspective. And maybe with more humility - that many people really have it zilion times harder than he has. But he doesn't. And I can't, just can't listen the same complains all the time. I just can't.


As I read this, the "I just can't" means serious communication is needed from you to him to let him know you just can't. I doubt he is trying to give you more than you can carry. He's just trying to blow off his steam. A "good" job is not necessarily one that pays good or has a good title. IMO, a good job is one I enjoy doing. From this definition, it sounds like you think he has a good job, but he doesn't. If he doesn't, he probably feels stuck, but he's unloading on you more than you can carry. You have to stop the cycle.

I'm hoping that framing it so that he realizes that you're not being uncaring, you're just overburdened can help him work with you on finding a different outlet, or a method of dealing with the frustration that isn't so heavy on you.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

You may have to have a heart-to-heart conversation with him, and tell him that the constant complaining is wearing on you. Ask him for ideas on how you both can approach this. Tell me you understand his unhappiness, but you don't want to build a wall of resentment against him.


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## TryingToStayCalm (Dec 11, 2011)

It's not that I think it's the best job ever - but it's not the worst and if nothing else is out there at the moment why he's constantly fighting it? I know something better will come up for him but just needs to wait. As millions of people have. As I have. It's all about the attitude if you can't fight reality. 
But I can't tell him that "I just can't take it anymore" because he is very easily offended, especially now, and as a consequence I might as well lose his trust. And I don't want that. But I'm so drained! I've had three hard years myself and I'm just drained. And I can't talk to anyone about it. I'm just so terribly sad - but grateful you bothered to reply...


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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

TryingToStayCalm said:


> It's not that I think it's the best job ever - but it's not the worst and if nothing else is out there at the moment why he's constantly fighting it? I know something better will come up for him but just needs to wait. As millions of people have. As I have. It's all about the attitude if you can't fight reality.
> But I can't tell him that "I just can't take it anymore" because he is very easily offended, especially now, and as a consequence I might as well lose his trust. And I don't want that. But I'm so drained! I've had three hard years myself and I'm just drained. And I can't talk to anyone about it. I'm just so terribly sad - but grateful you bothered to reply...


Is it fair to say that you really just need the catharsis, too? And maybe you are finding just a hint of that here? If so, then of course, feel free ... there are a lot of us here.

But most of us are problem solving types, so we want to be able to offer something.

I don't think it should be "I just can't take it anymore." That would be shocking. But can he understand that you are being burdened with more than you can carry? Of course, that's not going to be an easy thing for him to understand, and it will take some guts for you to open the conversation. But what are your options? If you say nothing, will he continue to give you more than you can handle? If he does, then what?

I think what happens to us: We try to just keep quiet and keep absorbing, but eventually, We reach our limit, and react. When we react, our reaction is angry and damaging, and it takes time to get back to even talk again. Then, we feel bad about blowing up, and we don't want to address what this person is doing to us that is causing us problems, and this person resumes with the same activity, and we absorb it because we don't want to address it (are afraid to address it maybe) and we absorb it until we can't take it anymore, and we react strongly, and here we go again ... Sooner or later, we have to realize we are human, and take steps to stay within our limits. 

Do you think this is a cycle you could end up in if you don't begin having the conversation and changing the situation a bit? I'm not saying cut him off - I think he does need an outlet - but how do you get him an outlet that is not going to overload you while staying engaged as a loving wife, and letting him know you love him?

And what happens if he never hears how this is affecting you?


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## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

I have been in the same situation. Husband hated his job and sent him into a deep depression. Unemployment is 20% where we live and he has been looking for over a year and nothing. He has an awesome therapist and that has been a huge help. He does vent to me, but honestly, the therapist has been MY godsend.

We don't have to worry about his horrible job. He just got laid-off. Now we have to worry about finding another job. So see, it could be worse.


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## TryingToStayCalm (Dec 11, 2011)

Yes, I do need venting. Obviously. But I also want to solve it and can't see how. I would love to tell him he's just overburdening me with all that - by talking about it literally constantly and on the rare occassions he doesn't I'm thinking twice about what I'm going to say so that I don't remind him about it and so that he doesn't start again. I get stressed when he just starts talking at all because I'm afraid that he will go on again. But I know him, and I know that he's not the type to whom you might say: "honey, it's too much for me" and he would say "I'm sorry, I had no idea, I will try to do something about it". I would do that but he would rather say: "you don't get it, can't you just understand how tragic my situation is?" - he did that always when I just tried to show him a different perspective. So it's either me absorbing it all or him alienating himself from me because "I don't get it". So far I've chosen the first option. He just thinks about his "tragic situation" - and doesn't stop for a second to think that he's pouring all that on me. Just me. All the time. And I'm only human. And a tired one.


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## TryingToStayCalm (Dec 11, 2011)

Shiksa - that's what I was trying to tell him. But then he just gets angry and refuses to look at it like that. He can't put himself in a position of a person without a job and thus doesn't realize that it could be worse. I know that. He doesn't. And that's the problem


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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

TryingToStayCalm said:


> Yes, I do need venting. Obviously. But I also want to solve it and can't see how. I would love to tell him he's just overburdening me with all that - by talking about it literally constantly and on the rare occassions he doesn't I'm thinking twice about what I'm going to say so that I don't remind him about it and so that he doesn't start again. I get stressed when he just starts talking at all because I'm afraid that he will go on again. But I know him, and I know that he's not the type to whom you might say: "honey, it's too much for me" and he would say "I'm sorry, I had no idea, I will try to do something about it". I would do that but he would rather say: "you don't get it, can't you just understand how tragic my situation is?" - he did that always when I just tried to show him a different perspective. So it's either me absorbing it all or him alienating himself from me because "I don't get it". So far I've chosen the first option. He just thinks about his "tragic situation" - and doesn't stop for a second to think that he's pouring all that on me. Just me. All the time. And I'm only human. And a tired one.


Your last two sentences are exactly what I was talking about. You are only human. If so, then the other part of what I was saying is that I don't think the options are "either absorb it, or alienate him." I think it will really be "Keep absorbing it until I alienate him."

It does sound like he might be difficult to talk to. So let's look at the other side. Do you really own the situation/problem? It sounds like in your mind and emotions right now, you own it. Should you own it? Is owning it emotionally going to solve it? Or is the only possibility of you taking ownership of it the way you have done just to make you feel the burden for something when you can do nothing about it?

Of course, it's one thing to say you're going to give up emotional ownership of the problem and just listen detached, and it's quite another to do. Are you able to do this?

The options I'm thinking of right now are getting him to partner with you to not unload on you, or giving up emotional ownership. We can talk about doing that, or you might tell me what options I'm not seeing. Do you have any other options?


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## TryingToStayCalm (Dec 11, 2011)

Could you explain to me what you mean by "owning the situation"? I don't seem to understand it...


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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

TryingToStayCalm said:


> Could you explain to me what you mean by "owning the situation"? I don't seem to understand it...


I mean that emotionally, you feel burdened to fix the problem for your husband, whether that means that you feel you should be able to offer him a solution to fix it, or offer him a solution that he should just be happy to have a job. You feel burdened because you have some emotional ownership of the problem. 

By contrast, I'm talking with you willingly right now. I know I can't fix your problem for you. I would like to be able to help if possible, but if I can't, then I walk away from the conversation unburdened. If you want to vent at me, you can do that, too. It won't burden me if you do. It's not because I don't care for you - I care enough to hope that you can find relief. I can do that because I don't own the situation.

What I'm asking is if it is possible to give up emotional ownership so that you feel no burden to fix it for him. Even without the ownership, you can offer him suggestions if that is appropriate. You can still care about him and want him to be happy. But you recognize that it is up to him to fix it. You recognize that he needs the catharsis, but when you listen to the catharsis, you allow it to be just that, and you don't feel any burden to do anything about it other than allowing him the time to vent.

If he is spending as much time venting as you say, then it may be that you need to be able to move the conversation off high center sometimes, and if he can't do that, then we're back to needing to be able to tell him that there are other things you (plural - both of you) also have to deal with, and asking for partnership there.

It sounds kind of flimsy as I'm trying to explain what I mean ... am I making sense?


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## TryingToStayCalm (Dec 11, 2011)

That's an interesting way of looking at it - I haven't thought about it in this way but it does sound right. I think I feel the need to "own the situation" mostly because I don't want us to be miserable all the time - that's why I want to either fix the problem or to offer another perspective. It's exactly as they say: "in a marriage you can be only as happy as the least happy person is". And also because I don't feel safe when he complains all the time - I don't know what he might want to do next and how it will affect me (moving again, etc.). That's why I do my best to lift his spirits - something to which he just doesn't respond. So I might as well try giving up the ownership, as you suggest. I would love a bit of relief... thank you for taking time to talk to me...


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

TryingToStayCalm said:


> What would you do if your husband was complaining about his job ALL THE TIME he talks to you?
> 
> He hates it, but at the moment there's nothing better around. Objectively, it's a really good job but he doesn't like it. I sit and listen and listen, and nod and nod but sometimes I feel I just can't take it anymore!!!! I just want to throw up or scream!!! I would like to tell him to be grateful that he hasn't got a really terrible job or no job at all. But I can't - he would label me as unsupportive or not-willing-to-understand and he would throw it at my face sometime in the future. So no, thank you.
> 
> When I have a hard time what keeps me sane is one thought: "now it's tough but be grateful it's not worse". But he's always looking at it as in "it's so horrible and it could be so much better". I want to be supportive and that's why I try to comfort him but I just think he doesn't see that it could be so much worse and that he should just wait more or less patiently for anything better to come up. I'm really desperate. Please, can anyone give me some advice???


Hi Trying ~

Your H sounds like a "glass half empty" type of person and you sound like a "glass half full" type.

Has he historically always been a more habitual complainer? So, if he had a great job that he loved, would he still find something else to complain about?

I don't live with a complainer, but I sure have had to learn to deal with them at work. Mostly, I think that a complainer isn't really asking or wanting someone to cheer them up or find solutions for them. I think they mostly want you to lend an ear ... have empathy from you ... have an understanding that you get he's going through a difficult time.

So, as hard as it is - simply listen and be sincere in any comments that you make. You don't have to agree with him, problem solve it or anything else except to show empathy. Sometimes when you take the complainer's complaint and their distress seriously, you can circumvent some of the cycle.

Now, if this is a habitual issue you live with, then you and your H should consider some counseling together (on your own if he won't go) so that you can learn how to circumvent the cycle and work together - since you seem to be of two differrent viewpoints in how you approach and see things.

Edited to Add:

I also forgot to ask about what you do for yourself to deal with stress? Being able to be calm and composed and not succumb to the stress of the situation would also be a big help. Taking time for yourself - to exercise, meditate, daydream, read, etc. will be important and should be a part of everyday if you can make it so. Inspirational book recommendation:

Amazon.com: Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself from Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life (9780307338181): Judith Orloff: Books

Best wishes.


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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

Is it possible that he would want to move? That word "again" really made me think.

Another thing to think of as you are talking to him. Sometimes, you can help take the emotion out of the discussion by being careful to not give direct suggestions. Remember that you don't own the situation. So let him know you have some interest in him by expressing that you can understand it is frustrating (don't offer a suggestion). 

As he talks, don't give directions, but listen to see what questions you can ask. Ask questions to get him to vent it. Don't be afraid of his venting, facilitate it with your questions. 

As you ask him questions, and his emotions begin to subside a bit, change your questions to ask him what his options are, and what the consequences are of each one. Don't answer for him, see if he can list his options for you, and think through what each of them are. (The added benefit here is you begin to hear what his plans are, and if he is really considering things like moving.) You may not get this far, but if you do, see if you can get him to put together his plan of action.

The skill here is in using the questions to facilitate the venting, enumeration of options, and if necessary, to get to the plan of action ... even if it is just "Just get up tomorrow and go back to work." You will add emotions back into the conversation if you become directive. If you don't own it, you don't need to add directions into the conversation. If you don't own it, you can draw the emotion through the conversation by skillful questions, then let him form any plans of action, and you can use questions to just facilitate it and help him think it through. You have to really keep your emotions out of it in order to keep the questions coming and facilitate it this way, though.

It's quite a skill to develop. Questions are very powerful things when you are dealing with someone who is venting, or someone who is angry, or someone who really needs to think through and solve a problem.


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## TryingToStayCalm (Dec 11, 2011)

Enchantment - I love your avatar 
Yes, he is a "glass half empty" kind of a person - he has always been, and the worst thing is that it's only when things get worse he's able to see that before it hadn't been soooo bad. But then it's too late, and he repeats this pattern all over again. I don't remember him being happy about something for a longer period of time. To be honest, I used to be like that as well, but many painful things happened to me over the past few years and I just had to save myself somehow from being miserable. That's why I shifted the perspective and I started to appreciate what I have at the moment. He hasn't done it (as if he was me from a few years back) so our differences stem from this. 

As I have said, I will try giving up the ownership of the situation and maybe that will allow me to just listen to his complains (he is a complainer...) without feeling like a wreck afterwards. 

I just don't know what to do with the feeling, sometimes even an anger, that his behaviour is simply not a mature one. Sometimes I'd like to tell him to just grow up... but I know it would be counterproductive. He doesn't take criticism well.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

TryingToStayCalm said:


> Enchantment - I love your avatar
> Yes, he is a "glass half empty" kind of a person - he has always been, and the worst thing is that it's only when things get worse he's able to see that before it hadn't been soooo bad. But then it's too late, and he repeats this pattern all over again. I don't remember him being happy about something for a longer period of time. To be honest, I used to be like that as well, but many painful things happened to me over the past few years and I just had to save myself somehow from being miserable. That's why I shifted the perspective and I started to appreciate what I have at the moment. He hasn't done it (as if he was me from a few years back) so our differences stem from this.
> 
> As I have said, I will try giving up the ownership of the situation and maybe that will allow me to just listen to his complains (he is a complainer...) without feeling like a wreck afterwards.
> ...


Thanks! The avatar will likely change in the next few days since I seem to change mine out about every week or so. Can't have it be the same all the time. 

I thought he might be a habitual complainer - that would be tough to live with, which is why I suggested that YOU start looking at ways that you can learn to de-stress and not focus on that aspect.

Would he be willing to go to any counseling sessions with you to learn how to communicate effectively?

Is he actively looking for another job that would be more to his liking?

And, finally, have you been brutally honest about how this makes you feel and that you two need to learn how to manage this aspect of your relationship more effectively (might be a good lead-in to do something like counseling together)?

Best wishes.


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## TryingToStayCalm (Dec 11, 2011)

shy_guy: 
Of course we will have to move - it's almost impossible that he will find a better job in the same city. Too narrow specialisation. I don't mind moving as such but I'm afraid that it might be so far away from where I might get a job that I will be placed in an impossible situation. Honestly, I'm just scared. Maybe if I knew that I wouldn't be uprooted (again) I would handle it better but I don't know that. I hope he would consider me when planning to move... I hope. But I can't say that I feel safe.

Considering all that, it will be very difficult for me to develop the skills you're suggesting but I will really try doing it. It's my only hope... 

Could you tell me what kind of questions you can ask if you hear the same story every night and you can almost predict what that person will say next? Are those questions supposed to be like: "...and how it made you feel?" or something else?


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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

TryingToStayCalm said:


> shy_guy:
> Of course we will have to move - it's almost impossible that he will find a better job in the same city. Too narrow specialisation. I don't mind moving as such but I'm afraid that it might be so far away from where I might get a job that I will be placed in an impossible situation. Honestly, I'm just scared. Maybe if I knew that I wouldn't be uprooted (again) I would handle it better but I don't know that. I hope he would consider me when planning to move... I hope. But I can't say that I feel safe.
> 
> Considering all that, it will be very difficult for me to develop the skills you're suggesting but I will really try doing it. It's my only hope...
> ...


With something as big as a move, I can't see how it could be made without considering you. That would be a huge move. When he gets into the mode of plan of action, if it involves job hunting, then that is a time to begin talking together about where the two of you could move. From someone who has had 17 addresses in the time we've been married, that should be done before the resumes start getting sent out.

What qeustions is a good question. . I wouldn't ask questions like "How does that make you feel." When he is venting, I would be trying to make notes about what he is saying that might need clarification, and ask for clarification, or when he is disagreeing with someone, you might ask what he thinks of that, but that is as close as I'd ever get to asking about feelings. When it gets to feelings, if I'm trying to facilitate venting, I would just express that I could understand that would be frustrating/aggravating, etc.

If it happens repeatedly, I would start by facilitating that plan of action, and when it happens later, I might ask why <insert point from plan of action from previous session> didn't work, or how that could be modified to make it work. For repetition, I would really be focused on questions to try to implement that plan of action. Keep the questions open-ended as much as possible to keep him talking and thinking it through.

All of this is me saying how I would deal with someone who is emotional or who is stuck on high center and unable to relieve their pain. However; don't minimize what Enchantment is saying in her replies. What I'm saying is not a substitute for what she is saying. If he is habitually directing things at you like this, then at some point, I really think he is going to need to understand how to improve this communication. You're going to need him to improve this.


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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

What does he do when you try to change the subject?

Have you asked him what you can do to help? Any way you could assist with him getting a different job?

Unfortunately I think that if you outright tell him that you're sick of hearing it, you'll probably look like an insensitive B to him and he'll stop talking about it but will find someone else to confide in. That may not be a bad thing but it could lead to other things... and no one wants to look cold and insensitive.

I would try to bring up positive subjects. Does he exercise? Does he participate in stress-relieving activity?


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## TryingToStayCalm (Dec 11, 2011)

Shy guy - some time before we got married he had done exactly that: he applied for something that was very far away and he hasn't asked me if after the wedding I wanted to move. He just saw a great opportunity, his mother was ecouraging him greatly to do this, so he did. I was young and I said nothing then because I didn't want to look like I was trying to "take that great opportunity from him". Long story short - I had to move with him after we got married. To another country. And it wasn't (and still isn't) peachy for me there. It's weird that I still get very very nervous when I think/write about it. So I have this "bad experience" from the past and now when I hear about him wanting a change/a new job I just automatically feel the same stress/fear that I will have to live all that all over again. And I don't want to. I've learnt to curb that stress (which some time ago was unbearable) but I can't seem to get rid of it. So that's why it's difficult for me to "stay calm" when he vents - I guess I preceive it as a threat to myself.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

TryingToStayCalm said:


> It's not that I think it's the best job ever - but it's not the worst and if nothing else is out there at the moment why he's constantly fighting it? I know something better will come up for him but just needs to wait. As millions of people have. As I have. It's all about the attitude if you can't fight reality.
> But I can't tell him that "I just can't take it anymore" because he is very easily offended, especially now, and as a consequence I might as well lose his trust. And I don't want that. But I'm so drained! I've had three hard years myself and I'm just drained. And I can't talk to anyone about it. I'm just so terribly sad - but grateful you bothered to reply...


Is he looking for another job, one that he might like better? Have you told him that you are in favor of that, even if it means accepting a lower salary?

Your perspective - that he has a pretty good job, all things considered - might give him the impression that you don't want him to look for another job. So maybe he is trying to "convince" you just how bad his job is and how miserable he is so that you would be ok with him looking for something else that isn't quite as "good" job as he has now.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Erm I'd recommend doing this to him

YOU CAN ACT LIKE A MAN - YouTube


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

TryingToStayCalm said:


> So I have this "bad experience" from the past and now when I hear about him wanting a change/a new job I just automatically feel the same stress/fear that I will have to live all that all over again. And I don't want to. I've learnt to curb that stress (which some time ago was unbearable) but I can't seem to get rid of it. So that's why it's difficult for me to "stay calm" when he vents - I guess I preceive it as a threat to myself.


Have you talked with him about this? What does he say about your fears?


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## TryingToStayCalm (Dec 11, 2011)

I once told him about my fears but I don't think he realizes how it's affecting me. I would just like him to man up. As simple as that.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

First year of marriage

*"I want my man to express his inner most feelings"*

Seventh year of marriage

*"I wish he would STFU so I can play farmville"*


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

My husband has suffered a TBI and a prior stroke and cannot remember things he says all the time.

So he repeats and repeats and repeats and I'm the only one here to listen (family elsewhere). 

Does it drive me crazy...sure it does.

Do I wish he would STFU...sure I do.

Do I listen anyway...yes I do.

Why...because I love him and I'm all he's got.

Enuff for me, is it enough for you, guess that's a question only you can answer.

Are there habits and things you do that irritate him also and he accepts them? Sure there are, perhaps you need to extend him the same courtesy.

Marriage is all about acceptance and compromise. Remember, you're not the only one doing the accepting and compromising, I'm sure he is too but hasn't thrown it up in your face.

Something to think about...


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Oh and another thought, if you stop listening, then he'll find someone who will...which would you drather have?


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

TryingToStayCalm said:


> I once told him about my fears but I don't think he realizes how it's affecting me. I would just like him to man up. As simple as that.


And your definition of a man is - one who is not allowed to express his fears, feelings and complain to his wife - the one person who should accept and listen to him?

Perhaps you need to rewrite your definition of a "true man."


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## TryingToStayCalm (Dec 11, 2011)

MarriedWifeInLove - I don't think you've read all my posts. I do listen to him, precisely because I don't want him to go somewhere else. But! I'm hearing the same complains all the time and tiptoeing around him so that he's not reminded about "his tragic situation". I'm just a human too and I'm getting exhausted because he does nothing to help himself (emotionally). That's why I'm talking about manning up, which for me means acting in a mature way. It has nothing to do with my definition of a "real man". Each time he pours all the negativity on me and then I'm left with it with no one to talk to and vent myself. And as for sacrifices, believe me I know what it is. I've uprooted myself so that he could follow his dreams. So please, first read and then judge.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

TryingToStayCalm said:


> I once told him about my fears but I don't think he realizes how it's affecting me. I would just like him to man up. As simple as that.


Once? Maybe you need to tell him again. And again until he gets it. And be very specific and clear about how much this is frightening you for your future. And how every time he tells you in great detail how tragic his situation is, it causes you to go into fear mode, every time.

Be honest and open with him! He certainly is pouring his thoughts out to you!

You can't expect him to take your thoughts and feelings into account if you don't share them _and make sure he understand_s how badly this is affecting you.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

TryingToStayCalm said:


> MarriedWifeInLove - I don't think you've read all my posts. I do listen to him, precisely because I don't want him to go somewhere else. But! I'm hearing the same complains all the time and tiptoeing around him so that he's not reminded about "his tragic situation". I'm just a human too and I'm getting exhausted because he does nothing to help himself (emotionally). That's why I'm talking about manning up, which for me means acting in a mature way. It has nothing to do with my definition of a "real man". Each time he pours all the negativity on me and then I'm left with it with no one to talk to and vent myself. And as for sacrifices, believe me I know what it is. I've uprooted myself so that he could follow his dreams. So please, first read and then judge.


Are you upset because you feel like he keeps coming to you with a problem you can't solve and it's starting to make you feel helpless to fix it? You can try talking to him gently about the situation, instead of bringing it up like a complaint....You could ask him if it helps him to talk about his work problems, if he's doing it as a way of letting you into his life, if he's looking for a specific kind of support when he talks to you about these kinds of things, if he needs a particular response....He is coming to you about this because he has some need and he wants you to fill it, but it sounds like you don't really understand why he is doing this and so it's irritating you. Sometimes people get depressed and stuck and they don't know how to get out of it and all they can do is whine as a way to vent because otherwise they'd snap. Is that what's going on? Could you suggest that he see a counselor who knows something about how to excel in workplace environments or one who can offer him strategies on how to cope with this problem in a way geared toward finding a solution? You could let him know that when he tells you these things, you're seeing him suffer and you can't do anything to help him so it's making you feel bad, but you'd like to help him with his problem so it isn't ongoing. Something is at the root of his inability to stop whining about it. If you don't want to push him away and you want the whining to stop, then get to the bottom of why and see if you can address the problem at its root.

While you're at it, you might want to examine why it is that you don't want to be supportive in the way he needs, why it is bothering you so much. Do you feel that your needs for support are not being met by him?

I complained a lot to my WH/EH/STBXH and he listened a lot. He told me at one point that he felt helpless not to be able to fix it and it made him turn away from me and vent his feelings of powerlessness by doing other thing (cheating, picking fights with strangers, etc...); I see that he was just justifying his bad behavior but also that there was resentment from him. He felt like I wasn't appreciating what I had, when he felt like he had even less, and so that made him feel worse about himself; but he never communicated that to me so we were never able to fix it. My complaining was a way to keep him involved in what was important to me, but if I thought that he was listening instead of getting the support he needed, I would have vented in another way. In many ways, I told him about my life in the hopes that he would open up and tell me about his (do you think this is his way of unknowingly coaxing you to open up?). That is, he didn't communicate what he needed; maybe he didn't know, but his irritation caused him to turn away. You seem to be in danger of doing that yourself; your irritation is building a wall between the two of you. 

So, for the sake of your marriage figure two things out -- 1) WHY does he keep complaining about this to you instead of just leaving the job or putting up with it? 2) WHY are you reluctant to be supportive and impatient about his turning to you for support? He seems to want to make you guys a team in something in his life and you seem to want more independence and distance. Figuring out what's the issue for BOTH of you means you'd have a better chance of fixing this and strengthening your marriage.

You sound angry and like there's a deeper issue than the inconvenience of listening to him whine about his problems. Is he not being enough of an alpha in general? Of course, the video clip posted by Complexity is pretty funny as a response. I don't recommend slapping your husband and telling him to man up, but maybe you might offhandedly show him the clip (or the movie) and it might inspire him to man up more?


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

TryingToStayCalm said:


> MarriedWifeInLove - I don't think you've read all my posts. I do listen to him, precisely because I don't want him to go somewhere else. But! I'm hearing the same complains all the time and tiptoeing around him so that he's not reminded about "his tragic situation". I'm just a human too and I'm getting exhausted because he does nothing to help himself (emotionally). That's why I'm talking about manning up, which for me means acting in a mature way. It has nothing to do with my definition of a "real man". Each time he pours all the negativity on me and then I'm left with it with no one to talk to and vent myself. And as for sacrifices, believe me I know what it is. I've uprooted myself so that he could follow his dreams. So please, first read and then judge.


I'm not judging and I did read the post(s) and got the same impression as what you've written above.

I get it...you're getting tired of listening to the same thing all the time and you want him to quit whinning and act in a mature way and "man up". I got it.

And I stand by my post - you're his wife and if he repeats the same damn thing to you 150 times you should listen and be supportive - period.

I hear things over and over too and I'm guilty of repeating things I say myself over and over (we all are). I practice patience and acceptance and listen and let him "dump" his issues on me because I sure as hell don't want him "dumping" them on someone else. 

Your definition of mature and his are probably not on the same page.

I'm sure you do things that irritate the hell out of him too.

Acceptance, patience and compromise...that is my job as his wife and his job as my husband.

BTW - we've been married 27.5 years. And yes, we've had our issues, plenty of them - but have weathered the storm because in the end...we are THERE for each other no matter what - even if it means listening to the same damn thing day in and day out. 

That WAS MY POINT.


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