# I need a man's insight! What does my husband want?



## _Josephine_ (Sep 7, 2013)

We are a young couple, both in good shape, no medical issues. We have had a good sex life in the beginning but with the daily routine it got less and less in frequency and also in quality. Now we are at 2+ weeks without sex, which is a long time for us. Soon approaching the 3 weeks mark! When we have sex it is more about pleasing him. He says I should take what I want, because he doesn't know what exactly I want. For me it is too boring to give him detailed instructions, I'd like him to use his own brain for some romance and fun but as I see, he is kind of very bad in that area. Anyways, I don't want to give him an instruction list, because that takes the whole fun away for me! So he said no sex makes him depressed and emotionless. But he also doesn't initiate! We are very cuddly but that's it! I didn't initiate in the past weeks because I am simply annoyed by being the one who always has to "do the job". He is not the sort of guy who pampers his woman. He doesn't spoil me or anything, because it makes him so happy to have finally found an independent woman who can take care of herself and loves him so. He admits to being selfish. So... is it just what I have to deal with? He'll never change? Or does he just not love me enough and that is why he behaves so "careless"? Or is it exactly his kind of love? And why in the world would he prefer to go weeks without sex than to just initiate it and take me???
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lloyd Dobler (Apr 24, 2014)

I think you need to be more direct with him. Guys don't do so well with nuance and mindreading and such. I much prefer if my wife tells me what she wants, rather than me trying to figure it out on my own.

I can't see into his mind to see what's thinking, but it's clear that the no sex for 2 weeks thing is bothering you, so don't beat around the bush - either ask for it directly or just initiate it. If that doesn't work, then you'll have something to discuss with him.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

A lot of men don't realize that many women want to be "taken"...especially when it seems to be antithetical to the notion of equality of the sexes. 

A good book for him to read is "Just F*** Me: What Women Want Men to Know About Taking Control in the Bedroom" by Eve Kingsley. I wouldn't call it a relationship book however...it is coming from a vantage point of a no-nonsense woman who enjoys the benefits of feminism, yet bemoans a lack of masculinity in the modern male sexual psyche.


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## _Josephine_ (Sep 7, 2013)

Actually I bought him a few books on the topic but he doesn't want to read them, because (I think) it'd be for him like admitting that he is not a super stud in the bedroom. We all can learn more every day, I know that and that is why I love to read about sex and relationships actually but he is totally not into this. 

Telling him directly what I want and need all the time is just so boring and annoying. Is it so difficult to imagine that I as a woman also like, want and need to finish during sex, i.e.?! Sometimes I have the impression that even though he has had many girlfriends in the past he is actually not that much educated about what women want and need and I feel weird teaching him... Also because he hates it when I try to teach him. He wants to be the dominant one at all times. I'm rolling my eyes here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Listen girl.

He wants to know what you want so he can give it to you.

So put your big girl panties on (or off as the case may be) and *tell him what you want.*

If you don't tell him, your boring sex life is your problem.

If you tell him and he won't give it to you, different story.

Tough that "it's boring." *He is not a mind reader and you need to grow up and own your desire.*

Welcome to being a grown up and having a grown up sex life.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

You both need to communicate more, and you will have to learn that "ugh, I don't want to have to list it out for him" is the same as saying "he has to do all the work because I'm not even willing to communicate in an adult manner". I think a lot of women feel that the man is just supposed to know how to turn her on. But they don't always. And even when they do, they won't know everything, every time.

Men shouldn't have to always provide all the "oomph" to the sexual relationship. Women need to be sexually assertive (even if submissive, you must learn what this means).

Also, to ramp things up with a man, try this:

I Married a Sex God: How to Worship a Man's Body

Make him feel as sexy as you want him to make you feel. Reciprocity is sexy!


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> Reciprocity is sexy!


Bingo!


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

It is common in some women to expect their husbands to know everything there is about sex...to be sex stallions. It is not innate knowledge...it is learned behavior...and oftentimes, many experienced men still haven't a clue what to do. 

I understand a man's aloofness towards sex can be a complete turn off, especially when a woman is hoping that a time will exist when her partner will exercise his masculinity and take what belongs to him, what is dangling in front of his eyes all of the time...but if a guy does not have the disposition or understand that he has been given the nod from his spouse to do so, then a women will be waiting a long time.

I agree with Faithful Wife and the article she linked, that there is so much that you can do to awaken your man to this level. It sounds like you are resentful that he unable to come to his own conclusion on the matter. It is typical human behavior to pull away when we are fearful or resentful of our spouse for not providing something that we expect. I know you are tired to initiate, but I really like that articles suggestion of sexually approaching your husband from a submissive, worshipful, want to please him approach...it might very well unleash the animal inside him. In contrast, there is nothing more of a turn-off to a man than trying to uncomfortably initiate sex with a women waiting to be disappointed...you can see it in her eyes...it just comes off unwelcome and demanding and sucky.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *FormerSelf said: **that there is so much that you can do to awaken your man to this level....
> 
> I know you are tired to initiate, but I really like that articles suggestion of sexually approaching your husband from a submissive, worshipful, want to please him approach...it might very well unleash the animal inside him.*


Another book suggestion.... Passionista: The Empowered Woman's Guide to Pleasuring a Man ....it's one of the 1st I bought when I wanted to get more "animal" out of my husband ..

I have also bought the "Just F** K me" book ...as my H is more passive in the bedroom over myself.....some things I have had to accept...but it's all good...he gets turned on by MY coming on to him....and ya know.. I need this too.. or I'd feel I had to push a part of myself down, which would steal much of my creativity with him.... so we feed off of each other's desires...

If you get the communication rolling...and both are willing to step up a little out of your comfort zone...to please the other ... you could do a spice Jar..







...with your fantasies/ desires written on snippets for him to act out.. just some ideas to run with....to indulge each other....tapping into some of your deepest cravings (could be in or out of the bedroom really)...he could do the same....and you surprise each other...take each other...


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

OP - When he does initiate, what kind of feedback do you give him? If he's initiating and you're just along for the ride, that might be the reason he stops wanting to initiate at some point. When he initiates, make sure you BRING THE ENTHUSIASM. Create a positive feedback loop where you make him WANT to initiate.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Your husband wants to know what you like. He has told you this is what he wants. My guess is that he has a combination of frustrations and fears around sex. Maybe he is worried he isn't good in bed, or perhaps he worries your previous lovers were better/bigger/more masculine/wealthier than he is.

Perhaps he can't read your response in bed. He may not know what is really working or not working. He may not know what works *better* than other things.

I think it is possible he is feeling that there is nothing he can really do right for you in bed. Or that he doesn't really know when he's doing something right. Imagine you cook a special but different meal for him every night for a month. You get a thank you at the end of each meal, but you can't tell how much he really liked each meal, and you don't know which meals he liked more or less than others.

Now imagine how enthused you wouldn't be to cook anything next month!

One tactic for you to take is to give to get. Do for him what you want him to do for you. I don't think it will yield a ton of results for you, but it can't hurt to try. 

Another tactic is for you to set the stage. Yes, it means you have to initiate, but perhaps he can learn what you like if you make it all about you. If you want more romance, you take the initiative. Put up some candles and put on music you like. Or if you want more foreplay, run a bath and ask him to wash your hair for you while you're in the bath. Don't let him get in the tub with you! Tell him this is for you.

I happen to agree with his statement about you taking what you want. Expand that to you making it what you want. Forget about pleasuring him, make the encounter all about what you want.

You can make a game out of this. For example you have to initiate within 3 or 4 days of the last encounter. Then he has to initiate within 3 or 4 days of the next encounter. Thus you alternate who is responsible to initiate. This may encourage him to think about it for a few days.

Have a "My Night" and a "Your Night" game. One night you are the director and tell him what to do, the next time he is the director and tells you what to do.

Use props such as a blindfold and light restraints. For example use one of his ties to loosely tie your hands behind your back. Maybe put on a robe with nothing else underneath. Then tie your hands behind your back. Do this while in the bathroom, then come out to him. Don't let him untie your hands for a long time! 

There are books about sex bucket lists. Get one of the books and put together your lists and act them out.

Finally you can just be direct with him. Tell him the status quo is just not acceptable and he has to step up his game. You bought him books as an indirect indication of your frustrations, so now you are just telling him directly.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

I agree with others, the mind-reading expectation needs to stop.

I think the "honeymoon" is over. I'm not saying your marriage is bad. However, I think that the period of novelty and excitement and hyper-bonding, called the "honeymoon stage" is over for you and your husband. This isn't a bad thing, this is what happens to everyone as time goes on.

I think you're only seeing incompatibilities now or unmet needs now because in the beginning, everything seems perfect. Both of your brains were pumping out massive amounts of dopamine and oxytocin when you were near each other. However, now not as much as that's something that stops/slows down on its own after you've been together for a while and grown comfortable. 

That "honeymoon period" when you're both (mostly) behaving your best, super affectionate and lovey-dovey, can't keep your hands off of each other and screwing like rabbits. Since there's so much sex at the beginning and since you're so excited by your spouse in the beginning when they're so new, it can be pretty difficult to see if there are any major incompatibilities during this time because everything seems so perfect. 

Now that the period of hyper-bonding has worn off, you are approaching a more mature stage of love - which is superior in many ways to new love but also requires some effort and negotiation and compromise on both of your parts to keep things good.

Expecting hubby to read your mind will only lead to resentment and disaster. I know it might not seem as special or romantic to have to communicate your needs to him in order to have them met but perhaps it's all in YOUR PERSPECTIVE about it.

To me, telling my partner that I need XYZ to feel loved or for him to rock my world can be VERY ROMANTIC. Think about it, you need xyz, communicate xyz to your spouse. Your spouse loves you so much that they do everything in their power, now that they know what xyz entails to meet your needs because they care. So yeah, they didn't read your mind but to me it's still special and still romantic because the motivations behind doing xyz are still the same - to make YOU happy.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

If you think telling him what you like is "boring" and defeats the purpose he will never know what you want.

If you've already tried to tell him multiple times and he's too dumb or embarassed to head your instructions....I think you have a very big problem.


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## GIM003 (Feb 5, 2014)

I see a lot of good advice from posters who are emphasizing the importance of open communication. The only thing I can add to this is that you need to have some of this communication outside of the bedroom. Sex is an important part of a married couple's relationship and it has to be nurtured and managed and allowed to evolve like the rest of your relationship. This includes open, honest and respectful communication. Some of the most productive conversations that we have had about sex took place over breakfast, lunch or dinner.


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## Little Bird (Jan 16, 2012)

Agree with the advice from other posters - talk to him; your man isn't a mind reader.

Some suggestions / ideas, though:

*FOR THE SEX*

You want him to initiate/ 'take' you? Flirt with him, seduce him. Kiss him passionately, get him really into it - then playfully walk away. This is especially effective just before he goes to work. Leave him thinking about you all day, so by the time he gets back he will be dying to take you 
Flirt via text/e-mail, 'sext' him... tell him what you want in a way that's playful and not 'boring'.
Continue to initiate sex / sexual activities, but don't go all the way. E.G. stop mid-way through a BJ. If he asks why you've stopped, just tell him (playfully) that it's your turn now  Give him a blatant opportunity to take control.
Since he likes you to initiate, perhaps he likes being dominated a little in the bedroom. Try blindfolding him & instead of verbally telling him what to do, guide his hands / head / mouth to your body. This might work quite well if he likes to have a more 'aggressive' female partner sometimes.
Make a list of some fantasies/sexual ideas you want to try. If you do this together, it will automatically open up the conversation. You can always start the talk by asking him what his favourite fantasy is, then respond with some of your own. If he has 1/2 a brain, he will yeild to your suggestions 
*
FOR THE 'PAMPERING' / ROMANCE*

Again: flirt with him, then pull back a little to allow him to respond.
If there's a special occaision coming up, mention how much you'd love it if he could plan a little something for the two of you.
If the weather is good, plan a picnic together. You get the food and ask him to pick a 'surprise' location and drive you both there. He says being romantic isn't in his nature, but you can nudge him in the right direction to get him there 
ASK HIM FOR WHAT YOU WANT. Ask him for a massage: "Babe, my back/neck is a little tense. Could you rub it for me?"
PROMPT HIM FOR THINGS. If he's at home while you're out, text him on your way back: "I'll be home in 5 mins. Missed you today... Go run us a bubble bath!" It's not aggressive or 'demanding' because it involves the both of you. Introduce him to the 'small gestures' you want, and when he sees you respond positively to them, he should initiate them himself.
I don't know if your H has any 'nervous habits', but if he does, they might be worth taking advantage of. My H compulsively does stuff with his hands whilst he's sitting - tossing his keys between hands, crushing a ball of paper in his palm then squeezing the daylights out of it haha. I picked up on this and it opened up our world of 'touch' - if we're in a taxi or waiting room, I put my hand in his and he compulsively traces over my fingers with his thumb. If we're watching a movie at home, I'll throw my feet into his lap (free foot massage for me! ) So pick up on his habits. Does he take out his clothes before work? Slip on his shirt so he's forced to 'undress' you  Is there a TV show he watches at a certain time? Have the remote, but playfully tell him he can have it in return for a kiss.

I think it's always possible to inject a little romance into someone. But talking to him will probably get you the best results. Tell him that you would like it if he could show you that he loves & appreciates you. Wanting this doesn't make you less independent - it's about wanting to feel desired by your partner, which is essential to relationships. Obviously if he is unwilling to do this at all, then you probably need to have a more serious conversation about the future of your relationship. Being 'cuddly' for weeks with no sex & no improvement will turn to 'cuddly' for months with no sex, until you find yourself in a sexless, 'roommate' sort of relationship :scratchhead:

There's a love languages test online. Do it together and see what each other's answers end up as. That might help him understand your needs.


IN SUMMARY: Talk to him. Flirt with him, seduce him and make it impossible for him _not_ to initiate


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

FormerSelf said:


> A lot of men don't realize that many women want to be "taken"...especially when it seems to be antithetical to the notion of equality of the sexes.
> 
> A good book for him to read is "Just F*** Me: What Women Want Men to Know About Taking Control in the Bedroom" by Eve Kingsley. I wouldn't call it a relationship book however...it is coming from a vantage point of a no-nonsense woman who enjoys the benefits of feminism, yet bemoans a lack of masculinity in the modern male sexual psyche.


Yeah its very confusing when feminists want men to act like men and treat women like women. So many mixed signals in this modern world.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

Little Bird said:


> Agree with the advice from other posters - talk to him; your man isn't a mind reader.
> 
> Some suggestions / ideas, though:
> 
> ...


Very good post. This really clarifies things for men.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mell (Jan 29, 2015)

Sex is a part of our lives and it could definitely have many meanings. No matter what it means to who's doing it, could it be for love or "just" sex- you both decided it. Not unless it's rape but somehow or anyhow you wanna do it, it's important that you both communicate. There are signals but it could mean many things. It's hard to be misinterpreted. Talk to him he can't read your mind.


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## tangled123 (Jan 18, 2015)

_Josephine_ said:


> We are a young couple, both in good shape, no medical issues. We have had a good sex life in the beginning but with the daily routine it got less and less in frequency and also in quality. Now we are at 2+ weeks without sex, which is a long time for us. Soon approaching the 3 weeks mark! When we have sex it is more about pleasing him. He says I should take what I want, because he doesn't know what exactly I want. For me it is too boring to give him detailed instructions, I'd like him to use his own brain for some romance and fun but as I see, he is kind of very bad in that area. Anyways, I don't want to give him an instruction list, because that takes the whole fun away for me! So he said no sex makes him depressed and emotionless. But he also doesn't initiate! We are very cuddly but that's it! I didn't initiate in the past weeks because I am simply annoyed by being the one who always has to "do the job". He is not the sort of guy who pampers his woman. He doesn't spoil me or anything, because it makes him so happy to have finally found an independent woman who can take care of herself and loves him so. He admits to being selfish. So... is it just what I have to deal with? He'll never change? Or does he just not love me enough and that is why he behaves so "careless"? Or is it exactly his kind of love? And why in the world would he prefer to go weeks without sex than to just initiate it and take me???
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not a man's perspective but similar experience

I know, when we are young we want our partners to read our mind because telling them what we want will not be truly romantic. I was like that in the beginning. It was I who gave more in the bedroom and wondered why is it not that fun. In fact I didn't even know what I wanted let alone communicating it with him. Reading some books helped me during that time, I didn't take very long to tell him. Telling him what you want will not rob the fun, it will spice up and satisfy both further not the other way.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Women like to be 'taken'. They want the man to initiate.

When the man tries to 'take' his woman and gets rejected 9/10 times he stops trying to take her.

When the man tries to initiate and gets rejected 9/10 he stops initiating.

Men are very simple animals....if you want sex with us make it perfectly clear to us...infact as clear to us as you do when you reject us.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

The whole feminist in the streets and old fashioned woman in the bed gets a little tiring sometimes. If not executed properly it just makes the woman look silly and inconsistent.
The way to remedy this is to speak PLAINLY about what you want and establish expectations.
Sorry you find it such a "boring" task to communicate effectively about your needs and wants.

The invitation to the Kreskin Class was sent but it was sent mentally and we men dont do mindreading...


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

You have been given great advice but the problem I think you may have is your own minset. You want the fairy tale...the movie. You want the man you read about in books like 50 shades of grey. Men often want the porn star in the bedroom, so it goes both ways. In the end, the person you with his who she/he is. If you wanted something else, why marry them? My point is this, it's ridiculous to expect your spouse to all the sudden become this sex God that he has never been up to this point. Tell him what you want, if he tries to accomondate, he is being a good husband. If he does not, start a new thread becasue you have other issues.


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## mell (Jan 29, 2015)

This topic has been in my head for quite awhile, and for you guys who's still looking for a better understanding about this issue, check out this page (Strong Pecker | be the man you want to be). They have expert advice, tips and techniques that you and your partner would completely find easy to understand and are effective. Their methods completely worked for me.


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## mell (Jan 29, 2015)

It's best that you both communicate. Guys are really not good in predictions and guessing games. It's best to tell him what you want and don't want, this way you both understand each other plus get that satisfaction you both want. This topic has been in my head for quite awhile, and for you guys who's still looking for a better understanding about this issue, check out this page (Strong Pecker | be the man you want to be). They have expert advice, tips and techniques that you and your partner would completely find easy to understand and are effective.


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## Jeffyboy (Apr 7, 2015)

Praise the behavior you want to see more of. It's a subtle behavior changing mechanism.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I agree you should ask for what you want. If you have to keep asking then you have a problem.

Many men, particularly young men, got a lot of their knowledge from porn, and we all know how much porn cares about womens' pleasure.

You could try rewarding him if he's willing to read this book. Tell him every time he tries something from it there will be an extra bedroom treat for him


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

He's gay.


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

marduk said:


> So put your big girl panties on (or off as the case may be) and *tell him what you want.*


Can't reinforce this point enough.

Women can be fickle. Men don't play "hint-ease" very well.

A woman should be perfectly able to tell a man what she likes and doesn't like him to do for her in the bedroom.

Case in point: On our second date, my SO came right out and said to me that we were going to have a frank discussion of our sexual needs to determine if we were compatible. She asked me outright if I liked performing oral sex on a woman. While the question sort of shocked me a little because most women I've been with aren't as forward with their likes and dislikes (but then, I knew she was forward and that's one of her personality aspects I adore), it was very much appreciated as I knew exactly what her needs are in that area now, and make sure I do my best to keep her well satisfied!


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

_Josephine_ said:


> Re: I need a man's insight!


Good luck.


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## unhappy74 (Mar 30, 2015)

It's hard to break out of that cycle of who is the "next" to initiate sex. When each of you are waiting for the other one to start the contact, it will not happen and the drought will continue. I suggest a talk outside the bedroom and say what's on your mind. He might turn around and say the same kinda deal (example- I was waiting for you & here's what I want more of...ect, ect) Then you guys need to set aside some fooling around time where "each" of you are getting what you want & I also suggest a couple of days in row to get back on track with the sexual connection. If he does not want to participate then there is another situation going on with him. Good luck!


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