# Where did I come from where do I go



## Wwayne614 (Oct 24, 2017)

Ok so here I am, asking this forum for advice and hoping I can get something helpful to apply to my life. To start I am separated have been for two months. We are seeing a professional marriage counselor. So if after you read this post and have some real advice that you can give please do. I've been with my wife for 11 years, 7 married. During our dating she and I experimented though she never admitted until this year. Since married I have cheated, and I believe she has too. Believe it or not though that's not why I'm here. We both grew up with rather bad childhoods, she knew about mine because I was working thru my 20s to better myself and heal from my past. I knew some about hers but recently, she actually told me about hers, it was way worse than mine, and the last professional counselor I told about mine said it was hands down one of the worst he's heard of. Why I'm here is this. I left the home as I didn't feel safe anymore. There had been some very intense fights that came out of nowhere and I finally realized it wasn't me that was causing them, though I'm embarrassed at the role I played, I wasn't the cause. This realization came after years of pouring through marriage books, counseling, countless articles, case studies, ect... all trying to fix myself as I thought I was the cause of my ****ty marriage. Now though after two months of separation she told me the truth about her past. She was sexually abused from 2-10 by her step father. It clicked, all of the things I was doing that a decent husband would, never got seen as that. Her view was tainted by a monster from years before I met her. So many of our fights started from that damage done by him. This realization about why our marriage just wouldn't work before really messed me up. Why couldn't this had came out years ago? Why did it have to get so bad that I left, and started to plan a separate life? In previous years I had told her so many times that her view of me was wrong, and now I know it was... This finally came out because after one of her many insane rages I told her months ago to go see a professional shrink or I was leaving within the month. She did see one and it took them 7 months to get her to admit what had happened. Now though after seven years of disfunctional marriage (seems to be a theme of sevens lol). After feeling sexually frustrated and neglected for so long. I really don't know if I have anything left in me to give. I don't know if I can be there for her as she recovers from this demon that destroyed her childhood... And why I'm posting this, is I don't know if I even want to want to. I was ready to leave, we're almost completely separated. Finances have been split, I go back Fridays for marriage counseling and usually we have family functions (only a few family members know I left). Then I'm 80 something miles away for the rest of the time. If anyone has lived with a survivor of a monsters abuse they'll understand what I mean when I say my marriage was rough. I feel horrible for feeling the way I do, I really just don't know if I can live with her again though or if I even want to. My problem now, and it's why I'm here, is we for the first time in I don't even know had a truly good time together. For the first time I don't just want to walk away completely. I mean I still really want to leave, but I'm confused. I don't know if I can trust her ever again. I know I can't go back now, but how can anyone decide to risk going back into a bad relationship again? I know there's a long road for her to recover from her past, am I wrong for not knowing if I can be apart of her future with what I know now? I know these are all things that only I can answer. Anyone's help in this would be huge though. Please no responses of "people don't change". Read some on human behavior if that's how you feel. I know much of what I wrote leaves questions. All i can write though is, it got bad, there's a lot of hurts on both sides. I don't know how I can go back, if at all. That's it, hope there's some really good advice or resources that y'all can contribute. I sure as hell need it lol.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Tough life for both of you.

Both of you need to get new partners. Not right away, maybe years in the future.

This way, both of you will reduce the demons by half. You will bring yours to your new relationship, she to hers.

I cannot believe I wrote that!

Truth be told that is what will happen. You two fed off each others demons for eleven years.

I think you both have given it a good try. 

Marriages fail, your's did not have much of a chance.

Keep going to therapy.


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## Ghost Rider (Mar 6, 2017)

BPD?


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## Wwayne614 (Oct 24, 2017)

Ouch 

Yes this has went thru my head quite a bit. It's a hard truth to swallow though, and I have heard of people that worked thru similar situations.


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## Wwayne614 (Oct 24, 2017)

Bipolar or borderline?


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## Ghost Rider (Mar 6, 2017)

Wwayne614 said:


> Bipolar or borderline?


I meant borderline.


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## Wwayne614 (Oct 24, 2017)

Definitely allot of the traits, I'm not a professional though. She is seeing one of the smartest shrinks I've ever met so if there is a diagnosis I haven't heard yet


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