# a year later



## wrsteele1

D-day April '12, very messy, XW moved out July 7, 2012 and divorced about a year ago. Hit me like a ton of bricks.

Around January '13 I conceded reconciliation was never happening and began the process of accepting reality and moving on.

Since summer '12 I began eating better, lifting weights, playing sports. Lost 20 lbs and maintained my ideal weight about a year so far and currently in best overall shape of my life. Began competing in triathlons this year and traveled abroad a little.

Took the kids on vacation, coached their teams, they're doing great socially and in school. Never said a negative word about their mom, and have even exercised as much restraint as I can about OM. Can't say the same for her about me. My eyes have really been opened to the ugly parts of her personality.

Given all this, my friends and family all think I'm doing great. I'm not. I'm overwhelmed with the laundry, cooking, cleaning, and yard work. Balancing my job and being a dad is, in a word, challenging. My work suffers sometimes because something has too.

I've dated some off and on since Sept '12. Never anything serious, mostly physical relationships. And not like I'm being irresponsible about it. But honestly, having relationships not based on passion and attraction and want for a relationship makes me feel a little terrible.

The girl I'm currently dating is a keeper, but I'm not at the point in my life where I'm ready for a keeper. Even though I've been totally honest about things I still feel bad.

I don't think I will ever trust anyone again. And I no longer believe in the sanctity of marriage. I feel damaged, scarred. I don't know why I would ever commit to anyone since I don't trust anyone to commit to me.

Any general thoughts or words of advice about anything?


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## death and taxes

Give it time. You'll meet someone that will knock your socks off and you'll get stupid. Enjoy the ride at that point. :smthumbup:


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## EleGirl

Give it time. 

If you can afford to hire anyone to help with the house or yard work do it.


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## Jellybeans

All normal. You are still hurting. It's going to take time for you to feel you can trust someone, anyone, again. 

The good thing is you have been honest with this lady about how you feel. 

Just take it day by day. No pressure on yourself or anything else. Get used to your new life. It takes some settling in.

I used to sound exactly like you in my posts and I only realized that now reading it which means I must be on a new path in my healing process.


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## Clark G

I sounded just like you one year out of my divorce and a bit after that as well.

What you are feeling is very normal and expected.

Pretty much everything you indicate reminded me of my life after the divorce. 

Keep moving forward, make sure to keep priorities in line, continue to improve yourself each day and focus on the moment, and remain positive going through the process.

That is what worked for me. I had a lot of fun along the way with my son and friends/women I met.

You never know what can happen. LIghtning struck me a year ago when I meet a keeper who I actually had known for many years - we just didn't know we were so compatible and we are now getting married (my second her first).

So keep the faith and you will get there.

Joe


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## EnjoliWoman

It IS tough. In fact I think one of the hardest parts of being divorced is managing all of that. I don't see how ANYONE has time for TV.

Could you afford a one-day-a-week housekeeper who can do some basic cleaning plus laundry? Or someone to mow for you? It can be overwhelming. Are your kids with you full-time? I don't recall your story.

As to the rest, only time will help. At least you have good company from someone you say is a keeper and you've been honest with her. Enjoy it.


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## wrsteele1

EnjoliWoman said:


> It IS tough. In fact I think one of the hardest parts of being divorced is managing all of that. I don't see how ANYONE has time for TV.
> 
> Could you afford a one-day-a-week housekeeper who can do some basic cleaning plus laundry? Or someone to mow for you? It can be overwhelming. Are your kids with you full-time? I don't recall your story.
> 
> As to the rest, only time will help. At least you have good company from someone you say is a keeper and you've been honest with her. Enjoy it.


I could afford. I find tricky because I'm blessed with plenty of money for short term (10 years maybe), but have a negative monthly cash flow. So I can pay for whatever, but it's not sustainable forever. 

I think about moving to a smaller place or a condo, but it's tricky because it's hard to make decisions from a mental place where you know your mindset in 5 years could be really different from today.

Have kids 50%.

Thanks for advice. That's what I think I should do, but I find it hard to trust myself not to hurt others since I'm not in a totally healthy place. On the other hand, I enjoy the time with her. I feel both push and pull.


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## indiecat

I've read that healing time after D. is 2 to 5 years.


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## death and taxes

indiecat said:


> I've read that healing time after D. is 2 to 5 years.


I'm ****ed. It hasn't even been a year yet. :banghead:


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## Jellybeans

indiecat said:


> I've read that healing time after D. is 2 to 5 years.


There is no timeline. Everyone heals at a different place. You can't put a #/timetable on it.


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## Stretch

Any possibility of teaching your kids some independence and have them help out more?

I did not have to take care of myself until I went to college. I wish my parents had higher expectations of taking personal responsibility. I think I would have made better decisions once I was on my own.

Sounds like you are on a good path to enjoying the rest of your life, congrats.

Stretch


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