# STBX seeking custody leaves state w/o telling me



## newyorkmammaof2 (Feb 25, 2014)

Hi
Seeking advice.
My STBX is seeking custody of our young children (I have had them 90% of the time up until now). He recently left the state without letting me know with his new girlfriend for a week. 

I want to bring this up with my lawyer, has he done anything to jeopardize his seeking primary residential custody.

When I left him I took the children, I did not leave them behind.
thank you
NYMO2


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So he'll be back in a week? How did you find out that he left the state with your children?

You need to talk to your attorney. If you can have an emergency court hearing called and have an order issued for your children to be returned.

You say that when you left him, you took the children with you. How far away did you move? Do you have any kind of custody agreement in place?

Usually a custody agreement says that each parent has to inform the other prior to taking the children out of state.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I don't understand what happened. Did he leave with the kids?

C


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## newyorkmammaof2 (Feb 25, 2014)

I am sorry I wasn't more clear.

He did not leave with the children, just took off without letting me know he was leaving the state. He left the children behind.

When I moved out I moved blocks away. We have a generic custody agreement.

My questions stem because he is trying to get primary residential custody of our children even though I take care of them 90% of the time. I find it odd that he thinks he can leave without asking me to care for the children if his wish is to have them full time, cake and eat it to?

I believe he is just trying to get out of paying child support.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

Still confused. You say you took them with you. He left without them. Didn't tell you. Generic Custody agreement(whatever that is). 

Did he miss parenting time with the children that was given to him under a court order? Was there sometime in the order suggesting either of you required the other person's permission to travel with, or without, the children?

My ex and I, until my child recently emancipated herself into college, shared a 50/50 week on/week off schedule. I didn't even tell my ex I was leaving the state WITH my child. Because it was none of her business. If I had to be out of town and miss parenting time, then I made arrangements. In fact, since I got my daughter an enhanced ID we enjoyed several road trips to Canada without telling her mother as well. Since it was again, none of her business.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

So is his relocation permanent? Makes a huge difference for custody. If he filed in state A for custody, and before the court hears the case he makes a permanent move to state B, the courts will not look favorably on it.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

OP, please confirm. 

It sounds like STBX simply left the state with his new GF, without the kids and there is no indication that he missed any possession time. 

If this is it then, no, he has done nothing to jeopardize his case. At least not by leaving the state. He can go wherever he wants. He's an adult.


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## Nikita2270 (Mar 22, 2014)

> My STBX is seeking custody of our young children (I have had them 90% of the time up until now). He recently left the state without letting me know with his new girlfriend for a week.


So?

He isn't required to tell you anything unless he's switching agreed upon access days with the kids.

It doesn't sound like you have a formal agreement in place anyway but if he missed some days that you agreed upon, I'd simply document it and move on.

Ultimately, good parents realize that during/after divorce, its generally in the best interest of the children for them to have a relationship with both parents (barring an abuse situation). Him seeking primary custody or you doing the same thing has nothing to do with your children and everything to do with you two getting revenge on each other.

If you want to do well in court and care about your children, stop the crap and start putting the children first. No judge wants to listen to one parent trashing the other in court...it won't get you anywhere.

Neither parent owns the children. It doesn't matter how much you had the children in marriage...its immaterial. You're getting divorce and each parent has a right to equal time with the children. Love your kids more than you hate your ex. Concentrate on your own life and stop worrying about what he's doing.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So to answer your question... As far as I can tell from your posts, he's done nothing wrong. He's not required to let you know anything about what he's doing, as long as it doesn't impact the kids. And even then, he's likely not required to ask permission or anything. 

C


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Now that you have clarified that he did not take the children.

Did he leave for just a one week trip? Or is it that he's had this new girl friend for only one week? 

Is he going to miss any of his scheduled days with the children while he's gone for this one week (assuming its a one week trip.)


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## newyorkmammaof2 (Feb 25, 2014)

Thank you for all of the tough love.

We have been seperated for half a year, I have NEVER kept the children from him. 

After checking with my lawyer we DO NOT have a custody agreement yet. - sorry the legal process has seemed overwhelming...

I however will not push the children on him. He has a work schedule that can be erratic with many night away a week, on top of late nights. However, even nights and weekends where he does not work he has not called to have them over to his house.

Back story, he is an alcoholic and was pulled over for a DUI a few months ago. I could not trust him even before the DUI to pick the children up from daycare because trusted people had informed me he was seen leaving a bars in the afternoon intoxicated (on several occasions)
He has since been to treatment (for the second time) and as far as I know is sober.

I like the feed back that after this is said and done I am allowed to take the children during my scheduled time anywhere! Their grandparents live in Canada and he forbade me from taking them across the border. 

Even when we were married if I took them to a resort 200 miles away he would threaten to call the cops on me and accused my of kidnapping! - I have since found this out to not be factual, but in my abused state I was a nervous wreak..

Keep the reality checks coming
ty


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Ok,
The reality is that you can travel with the children after D, so long as the travel is not in violation of the custody order.
It is not unusual for one parent to require notice from the other parent if the children are taken out of state, or out of the country. So the traveling with impunity is only true if permitted under the custody order.
You, individually, can travel anywhere, anytime, with no notice.


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## Nikita2270 (Mar 22, 2014)

> Back story, he is an alcoholic and was pulled over for a DUI a few months ago. I could not trust him even before the DUI to pick the children up from daycare because trusted people had informed me he was seen leaving a bars in the afternoon intoxicated (on several occasions)
> He has since been to treatment (for the second time) and as far as I know is sober.


Again, you're not the gatekeeper and his personal life is his business.

If you suspect the children are in danger, then you call the correct authorities. Otherwise, mind your own business. People telling you stuff about this guy's personal life won't stand up in court...its hearsay...and it gives you zero authority to not let him pick up his kids.

Again, stop meddling in his business to gain advantage in court...it doesn't work...in fact, it will backfire on you.



> Even when we were married if I took them to a resort 200 miles away he would threaten to call the cops on me and accused my of kidnapping! - I have since found this out to not be factual, but in my abused state I was a nervous wreak..



You can take the kids where you want with a couple exceptions.

1. If you take the kids out of the country, you may require a travel letter with his permission.

2. You have to take them on your agreed upon access dates with the kids.

Otherwise, your life is none of his business. His threats are stupid and meaningless.



> I however will not push the children on him. He has a work schedule that can be erratic with many night away a week, on top of late nights. However, even nights and weekends where he does not work he has not called to have them over to his house.


Prior to having a formal access arrangement...here's my suggestion (and yes, I've been through this). 

Make a schedule which splits the time up with the kids on an equal basis. Email it to him and get his agreement. Then once you have this arrangement...start documenting a daily calendar. The calendar should track the daily movement of the kids to show that each of you are using your allotted time. If he doesn't, you have a case to show that he's not interested in using his parenting time.

If he does use it...you have an excellent plan to move forward with so that both of you can work on co-parenting together.

I encourage you to stop thinking about him and his gf and focusing on your kids and what's in their best interest.


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