# Want to save the marriage, but I can't do it alone



## kmchb (Dec 6, 2008)

The weight of evrything in my marriage is on me- I am the sole breadwinner, I am responsible for all of the bills, I am responsible for the marriage, I am responsible for the house, I am responsible for the kids (of course, they are mine from a previous marriage, but I thought I'd get some support there), I am responsible for planning all of the holiday stuff, and I am solely responsible for my health (though my health is failing rapidly due to all of the stress coupled with a couple of miscarriages where he told me he wanted a divorce 4 days after the first one and told me to "rot in hell" 1 day after the 2nd one because I wanted him to spend time with me). I cannot talk to him about anything- either he is completely and obviously disinterested or he turns everything into a story about himself. He does do some sweet things occassionally, hut for the most part he is a very, very immature, self-involved narcissist who feels no responsiblity for anything. I have tried over and over to talk to him. I have told him how hard everything has been on my health, and he does nothing to respond. WIll he ever grow up??? I am trying so hard to be so committed to the marriage. I've read books, subscribed to listserves, and tried all sorts of things, but I am trying all alone. Can this ever work if I am the only one who is working on resolution? As much as I've tried to be committed and believe in marriage, should I leave???


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Yep. Dump him and get on with your life. On your terms. You don't need this (what he may possibly provide). 

It sounds like he's an a$$...you're better off without him. Why did you get together/married in the first place?


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## LoNeLy N LoST (Dec 7, 2008)

Hey im new on here, I really feel for you im in a very similar situation. I dont know what to say because i dont know what to say to myself, but the only thing i can say is.. as far as you being able to do it on your own. It does take two to tango ya know? I dont want that sounding rude or insensitive its just something i keep saying to myself. You shouldnt have to be in a marriage alone, that isnt the point of being married. And the burden of everything should be more or less equal. Im sorry you have so much stress on your shoulders. If you need to talk at all im a good listener. I hope it all works out for you :scratchhead:



kmchb said:


> The weight of evrything in my marriage is on me- I am the sole breadwinner, I am responsible for all of the bills, I am responsible for the marriage, I am responsible for the house, I am responsible for the kids (of course, they are mine from a previous marriage, but I thought I'd get some support there), I am responsible for planning all of the holiday stuff, and I am solely responsible for my health (though my health is failing rapidly due to all of the stress coupled with a couple of miscarriages where he told me he wanted a divorce 4 days after the first one and told me to "rot in hell" 1 day after the 2nd one because I wanted him to spend time with me). I cannot talk to him about anything- either he is completely and obviously disinterested or he turns everything into a story about himself. He does do some sweet things occassionally, hut for the most part he is a very, very immature, self-involved narcissist who feels no responsiblity for anything. I have tried over and over to talk to him. I have told him how hard everything has been on my health, and he does nothing to respond. WIll he ever grow up??? I am trying so hard to be so committed to the marriage. I've read books, subscribed to listserves, and tried all sorts of things, but I am trying all alone. Can this ever work if I am the only one who is working on resolution? As much as I've tried to be committed and believe in marriage, should I leave???


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

kmchb said:


> stress coupled with a couple of miscarriages where he told me he wanted a divorce 4 days after the first one and told me to "rot in hell" 1 day after the 2nd one because I wanted him to spend time with me).


It does not add up that he told you to rot in hell b/c you asked him to spend time with you. what in the world was going on? Did he ever apologize? have you talked about that? 



kmchb said:


> I am trying so hard to be so committed to the marriage. I've read books, subscribed to listserves, and tried all sorts of things, but I am trying all alone.


A lady once told me to never do anything that would make me feel resentful. I've had to think about that one a lot in my relationship. I also felt like i was the one doing everything. So i stopped for awhile. B/c even the thought of working on the marriage made me resentful. it helped a lot actually. Now when I do anything, marriage related or not, I do it b/c I want to feel good about who I am and the choices I am making. 

If you asked him what he was doing to work on the marriage, or to make you happy, what would he say?


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

:iagree:



kmchb said:


> He does do some sweet things occassionally, hut for the most part he is a very, very immature, self-involved narcissist who feels no responsiblity for anything.


If he truly is a narcissist, you have your work cut out for you as this is an extremely difficult personality disorder to overcome (because they do not believe there is anything wrong with them...it's all the morons around them that have the problem.)


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## loveme781 (Dec 14, 2008)

i"m in the same boat i give up tring-u can not do it alone-now i feel its over and if he wants too start tring he can do it alone-i waited too long for too try-the only thing he wants is too be married when he wants and too be single when he wants-i am too good for that-he can be single if he wants but no more married when he wants too tired we are still"together" but only for money resons he thinks i still want to save the marrage one day he will wake up all alone then relize what he lost-what i am losing is my mind right now-but soon i will lose the headache


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## kmchb (Dec 6, 2008)

I finally flipped and threw him out. I asked him to spend 15 minutes on our marriage, and he said he was sick and tired of having his a55 chewed and how nothing he did was good enough. He said I was miserable all of the time and everything was a big deal. I told him that I was stressed because I had the sole responsiblity of paying bills, and this past Tuesday I found out I will lose my job as a result of a merger. He had nothing to say. WHen I asked him for support, he became furious. He continues to steadfastly say that he does nothing wrong. I tell him that I have a SPECIFIC need (to work on the marriage every day to feel as though it and I am importnt) and I just want my 10%. He'll say that I deserve more, but then he'll be mad that that is what I want. He says that he is always working on the marriage, and that it just isn't good enough. 

I don't want a divorce, but I also don't want a lifetime of never ever being able to talk to my spouse about things that would make me feel better.

He told me he's done. I'm devastated.


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