# Should I throw it all out or.....



## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

I found the journals I kept when my H's EA was discovered. I wrote everything down. (it is my therapy to write things out) I read a little which just put me right back there. I freaked out had to lock my self in the bath room until I calmed down. I felt just the same as I did then.

I thought about tossing them then for some reason thought I might need them around but I can not think of why I would be compelled to keep them. 
I want to move forward and have made such strides getting to a healthier place. But now I am struck with indecision and so asking the opinions of others who have been the BS. 

Should they stay or go?


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## The Renegade (May 16, 2012)

Out! (Don't even finish reading this post, get up now and OUT!)


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

You have to be right. I just can not believe that I have this desire to keep such detailed painful writings. I have never had a this hard f a time letting go of other things that remind me. Really confuses me that I WANT to keep them when there is no logical reason to do so.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Kurosity,

Although we (BS) know it is not going to change the facts of the affair, we all hang on to something tangible. Why? It varies from BS to BS, but it has something to due with validating the lasting hurt that we feel. I found emails and chats between my fWW and her OM during her EA/PA.

The words written there are without a doubt the single most hurtful event I have ever had. My counselor told me to burn them, destroy all saved copies, never look at them again. I countered, "Like you think I will ever forget what was written?"


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

RWB said:


> Kurosity,
> 
> Although we (BS) know it is not going to change the facts of the affair, we all hang on to something tangible. Why? It varies from BS to BS, but it has something to due with validating the lasting hurt that we feel. I found emails and chats between my fWW and her OM during her EA/PA.
> 
> The words written there are without a doubt the single most hurtful event I have ever had. My counselor told me to burn them, destroy all saved copies, never look at them again. I countered, "Like you think I will ever forget what was written?"


I have read that on TAM before but with out your saying so I would never have put two and two together to realize that is what I am doing by trying to hold on to them. It is nice to understand one's own crazy actions and find out they are not so crazy. Thank you so much! This realization makes me feel so much better.
Not sure I can give them up yet. Going to have to work up to that I fear.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I'm glad I kept all my H's old emails to the AP. Turned out they restarted contact just a few weeks after DD#1. 

If you are sure he's not cheating now, then stop reading them, find a safe place for them and lock them up.

Don't obsess over them, it prevents you from building a future together. But I would not throw them away.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I agree with IHL, store it and stay away from it if you are obsessive but having the record down the line may help some day, you just never know


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

I have put them in a box in my closet. I will move them to the garage later. It makes it easier to keep them right now so I am not fighting with my self over it. Will I ever get rid of them? May be more likely not. I guess that is my tangible thing and I can live with that. 

I marked the box so that I do not forget what they are about and end up rereading them. Won't make that mistake twice. 

Thanks everyone!


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I put mine in a big, sealed envelope, in a lockbox in the bank with some other "important papers" like wills, taxes, etc. That way, I would have to go to the bank, go to the lockbox AND open the envelope...and if I want them that bad, there must be a pretty darn good reason!!


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

All burned to CD.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> All burned to CD.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wow that is a cool idea. I could just scan them into the computer and put it all one disc. Would save space.
A lock box would be a bit much for me but may be a safe box with keys and I could take the key to my sister's and add it to the spare keys I have left with her for the house and car. Would make it tough to let my self get into them to torture the heck out of my self which I have been inclined to do today. 

So I moved it to the garage though and it feels better to have them but not have them right at hand. The rafters of the garage create enough work for me to pull them down.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

Burn them all.... make him light them.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

cantthinkstraight said:


> Burn them all.... make him light them.


It would be more justice to make him read them but then again that would be mean. It would also take all our hard work and bring us right back. 

I could save them for a special camping trip for my h and I and use them as fire starter! Would be a nice way to get rid of them when I am ready. :smthumbup:


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

@Kurosity,

"It would be more justice to make him read them"

I did that very thing...

About a month after dday, I had emails between my wife and OM3 in hand. My grown son had them all along, but didn't want me to read them, too hurtful I guess. Anyway...

He finally forwarded them to me. He was right. They ripped the core out of soul. In particular this one exchange that my wife wrote to OM3 in response to his desire to "build something new".

"What you said about building a life together means so much to me. I think that has prob been the biggest disappointment in my marriage - that we really have no partnership and have build nothing together - I mean, our kids have done* well, which is a huge deal, but as far as the two of us there's just nothing"

Mind you that was after 30 years of marriage. As she read these words to me, (screaming and crying), I saw someone I had never met.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

If it's going to trigger you, get rid of it. I was triggering off my posts here on TAM. So I deleted most of them. Felt instant relief.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

RWB said:


> @Kurosity,
> 
> "It would be more justice to make him read them"
> 
> ...


wow. I never got to read their exchanges only saw the one round of nude pictures that woke me up when she sent them to his cell phone again. 
It might feel good to see how he responds to reading the internal hell I spilled out in those note pads that resulted from his actions at the time but I just think it would hurt all the progress we have made sense then and I am not sure I could risk that for revenge.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Kuriosity, I'm a big fan of keeping one's personal history, no matter how painful it may be right now -- pack it away, burn in on CDs, never look at it again, but once it's gone, it's gone. 

So, different people approach this differently, just thought I'd weigh in from the "keep it" camp!


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I agree with those that say burn them on a CD and if you have a trusted friend give to them to hold for you. Make sure if you do this it is sealed very well.


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