# Emotionally Tormented



## snared1 (Apr 20, 2011)

I think this is going to be lengthy so please bare with me. I have been holding this in for years and feel like I will explode. I believe this is a safe place to start some kind of catharsis and I look forward to your insights an suggestions.

I have been married 27 years now. I was brought up in a loving religious home which certainly shaped who I am today. When I was in my teens it was pretty apparent to me that I was not really mature enough to date anyone seriously yet I had many close "girlfriends" and a couple of crushes that ultimately "crushed" me.

I held a pretty romantic view of marriage. I really was on a search for someone that was bright, funny, articulate and that had common goals for the future. After a few disappointing relationships I met a great girl and we just clicked. It was euphoric to say the least. While we were certainly physically attracted to one another we did not consummate our relationship because of our religious beliefs. 

Shortly after we were engaged I mentioned during a discussion that I was not a virgin and had sex with a woman and that it was kind of a fluke (trust me it was a fluke). She confided in me that she had also been intimate with someone. We did not ask each other questions and we prepared for our wedding. 

As we moved closer to our date one of her old boyfriends began to show up on the scene. At first I just kind of thought it random but then I noticed that they would kind of have these coded discussions that generally made my wife angry and frustrated. Now I was young and naive and did not start to really connect the dots until after we were married but it became quite clear to me that this was the guy that she was involved with intimately and that this was not a casual relationship but that it was pretty complex.

Initially I did not think much of it but some interesting things happened that made this a bit of an uncomfortable situation. First her best friend had married her ex lovers brother and then the most bizarre thing was that her sister married another one of his brothers. I think I could have handled things pretty well in normal circumstances but to me this was not normal. It became quite clear to me that everyone knew about the nature of their relationship (by the way it should be noted that they were never really officially a couple but just long term f buddies) and I kind of felt like the cuckold guy. You may say to yourselves that it was likely in my head and I am sure it was to a degree but the nagging thing was that because of our intertwined families we would all be at the same events constantly.

It was during these events that my wife would defer to her ex and in a few cases disparage me in front of him and others. As you can imagine this crushed me. I did not really know how to handle it so I buried myself in my budding career. 

Our sex life was active although I felt I was not satisfying her and there were some things that we tried initially that she decided that she did not like (pretty vanilla stuff). 

I would characterize our first five years of marriage as aggravating. We were speaking about separating when our first child was born. This kept us together and for that I am grateful.

On the home front things felt like we just went through the motions. She spent a great deal of time with her family and I spent a great deal of time at work. I was eventually promoted and we moved about 8 hours away. This actually was a turning point for us since we had to rely on each other and for the next 3 years I think we really got to know one another and build a life as a family. 

Eventually I was transferred back closer to home and was working very long hours in my new role. My wife was busy making a home for us the kids and she was great at it. 

Eventually she began making friends and became quite close with a walking buddy. At first I really did not think much of it and my wife let me know that some days they would spend hours together just talking. Eventually this started to happen on Saturday. She would go on a walk and be gone for 2 and a half hours. After a few weeks of this I asked her if she would not mind not walking on Saturdays so we could have that as a family day or if she could at least just walk and not talk afterwards. She surprised me with an emphatic no. I think I was at a loss for words and just let it go because I did not want to have an argument. This hurt me in a way that I do not believe she comprehends. I can still remember watching them through the front window talking in the car for hours and saddened because we never talked like that.

Eventually we moved across town and her friend moved away. I changed careers and found something more family friendly and life at home seemed good again. My wife decided to go back to school and finish her degree and I was thrilled for her. She was so happy doing this.

Eventually she got a job and it was apparent that she would really excel. She was promoted rapidly and within a few years she was at the top of her field and is quite respected. I admire what she has done because she impacts so many people in a positive was. The personal and financial rewards have been huge. 

While she has been on the upward move my career has taken a nose dive. My field has dried up and I am working far below where I was but I love what I do and I do not believe I am jealous of her success. 

As her success has grown she has taken some pot shots at me in front of the kids. She has belittled me in front of them and if money is ever an issue she seems to take great pride in reminding me that she makes the big money and that "she" should get her way when it comes to financial concerns. This is a side of her that only has manifested itself in the last few years and it is disappointing to say the least. I would have never done that to her. 

She is now back to walking with some of her closest colleagues. Again these are 2 hour walks. I have walked for years and have asked if she would like to go but she generally says no. I have pushed it a could of times and she has come but it seems awkward for her so I have quit asking. 

I am not quite sure how to characterize our communication. I would love to be more emotionally intimate with her but she is always watching TV or reading a book. She tells me that she is always available but whenever I am in the room when one of her shows is on or when she is reading she is obviously irritated with me. 

I do not believe she would want to split up. I think she is just comfortable with our individual roles we have slipped into. I still love her and the thought of being single or with someone else has zero appeal. I am incredibly lonely however and feel like I am an emotional hostage. I think if I suggested counseling she would look at me like I am from another planet.


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## stuckagain (Oct 27, 2013)

shes selfish.
she has no respect for you as a husband, and belittles you in front of the children setting bad example.
she takes advantage of you. 
she figures that when she tires of your marraige she can afford to move on.
she has no real commitment in her heart.
she needs to be reminded that the grass isnt always greened on the other side.
Do you consider tha t she may have some hormonal issues that may cause her to go off once in a while on these daytime walking fantasies. my daughter nearly divorced her husband when she was taking an antidepressant, it made her fall out of love with him.
but she got off of it and then years later, got a hysterectomy and shes ok now. hormones are horrible to we women. you have to be extra loving and very patient. and set a good example of this in front of the children. i hope it works out , but if she continues to be unpredicatable and she wears you down, maybe tell her what she needs to do to fix it , or you can let her go, so she feels like she has the life she thinks she wants.
and then if she does, youll have to move on too.
sadly the kids always suffer but the kids are not stupid, they see moms ups and downs, and maybe they are stressed too. but remember, never ever trash thier mother no matter what.


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