# What now?



## NothingMan (Jul 16, 2009)

So I've been working on more communication and expression of feelings with my wife about the virtual non-existance of our sex life. This is what happened today.

She got home tonight with the boys around 5pm after a 4 day weekend at her sister's house a few states away for a birthday party. I was unable to attend as I had a previous engagement at a bachelor party for my best friend of 18 years. While she was away and since I knew she was going back to work soon and wouldnt have much time for house cleaning, I went ahead and had a professional cleaning outfit clean our house this morning.

First thing she says when she walks through the downstairs level is "Did you clean the house? Or was it your typical bare minimum? What have you been doing while I was gone?" Just so you folks know, I got home sunday night from the party and worked monday and tuesday. The remainder of my time I spent taking care of the landscape in the yard and doing laundry and the usual day to day activities. 

Now dont get me wrong, I understand full well its a long weekend being the only caregiver for two boys. I also know its a long car ride home. I get that. So I let it slide. I had dinner ready so when she was done complaining about the house not being clean enough I get her plate for her and she sits down to eat. Now comes the questioning of the entire time line from when I got home two days ago to two minutes ago. I know this game, this is the this house isnt clean enough what with all the free time you've had game. I play along. I do bath time for the boys so she can relax for a few minutes. She comes upstairs and starts complaining that all the things in the upstairs are not exactly how she left them. I said, I know, thats what happens when things are cleaned, they get moved and I dont have my schematic on exact placement of meaningless crap so it may not be back in the right places. This continues for a about 30 minutes.

I finally tell her I had a company come in and clean because I knew it had to be done and neither will have the time to do it before she goes back to work. She then starts saying things about how things arent good enough to be acceptable. Whatever. fast forward an hour. we're lying in bed and she wants to discuss the cleaning again and I said I didnt want to discuss it any more tonight. Well, she wasnt done so we talked about it AGAIN. This time she was a bit more apologetic as to the way she treated me about the whole thing, I said apology accepted. 

She then asks me if im ok. I say yep, even though Im clearly not. She asks again, and I tell her. Im not ok, I dont get nearly enough affection from you and all youve done since youve been home is complain. To which, in all the irony in the world, she says "I dont really want to discuss that again right now." She then says she's sorry she didnt walk through the front door and immediately become my sex slave. I was like, sweety, I know you've had a long day...I wouldnt ask you for that tonight, all I wanted was some passionate kisses and some cuddling. Let me know you love me. Silence. So I got up from the bed and went downstairs.

I am so bloody sick and tired of it. I cant keep "communicating" my needs and being rebuffed and ignored. I swear to god, some day Im gonna hand her divorce papers and Im sure she will be shocked. Like she didnt see it coming. I mean seriously. I dont do cheating. Not for any reason, so my only recourse is divorce. I cant keep putting myself through the ringer for someone who apparently doesnt think affection at the very least and sex are so unimportant as to be ignored as though they were just pests to be swatted.

What else can I do? Maybe I should just go to montreal and get some hookers or something. If I have to pay a lady to pretend im worth something...is that better then nothing at all? I dont know anymore.




John


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## jivey (Jun 18, 2009)

Sorry about that john, My wife gives me sex all the time no problems there. She just doesn't love me or respect me. She says she does
but, I cant believe lies.

John, maybe you should ask her to leave or tell her you are leaving.
was she like this when you were courting her?


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## NothingMan (Jul 16, 2009)

Of course she wasnt...otherwise courtship wouldnt have lasted long we've been together for 13 years, married for 8. Its been like it is now for 5 years or so.




John


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

women....when there is peace they want war, when there is war they want peace.

i have said it in many threads and i know i get labeled sexist for this opinion, but.....nothing seems good enough, the more you do the more they want and expect. all the while your manly needs are nothing to them. then you take care of that elsewhere and they cant believe you would ever hurt them like that. sorry, just a strong opinion from someone in a similar situation.

i know its not like this with all women, but it is frustrating when you are with one that is like this. i know what my options are.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

John

I know you’re going to cringe here but I am going to make some references to 5LoL because your post sheds some light for me as to why you so dislike the concepts. There is an obvious set of disparate love languages here. Yours is obviously intimacy and touch. Hers is likely acts of service. 5LoL could and should help in the relationship but there is one glaring problem. You recognize her need/want and are willing to do those things to recognize that i.e. house work. She is not. Hence the concepts don’t work. 5LoL needs two participants or resentment will arise from one of the one who is getting the short end of the stick. No wonder you hate the book, you’re getting shafted.

Based on your wife’s reaction when she got back, I ask several questions. Did she go on and on about the housework because:

A)	She’s a shrew
B)	She wants to control you (uncompromising)
C)	She thinks since you did a good deed you’ll want a treat (sex)
D)	You did a crappy job
E)	You are still paying penance for past slovenly habits.
F)	No one can do it as well as her 

My guess is “C”.

Good for you for stepping up and trying to meet her needs. Hiring outside help to get it done due to time constraints….brilliant! Also kudos for expressing your needs in intimacy. But another question. Do you dissimilate sex from intimacy? Does she? If she associates every husbandly pat on the rump as groping or snuggling up on the couch indicates, “hey baby, I wanna give you the high hard one” she will not separate the two and will be hesitant to engage in physical intimacy. Why, because she feels that is all you want. To engage in intimacy, touch, hug, kiss she needs to not fear it will lead to sex on your terms. She is withholding, no doubt about it. Try and disassociate the two somewhat. Do something romantic, a special date, meal, cuddling up for a movie she’d like to watch and take sex of the table early in the evening, and stick to your guns. Make it “low risk” in her mind. Let her know that intimacy doesn't always result in sex but it is important to you also.

Just reading between the lines here chief, if I’m completely off base just point me in the general direction of the nearest rope and I’ll go pee up it.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

okeydokie said:


> women....when there is peace they want war, when there is war they want peace.
> 
> i have said it in many threads and i know i get labeled sexist for this opinion, but












Kill Okeydokie


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Amplexor said:


> Kill Okeydokie



i'd be happy with a hard spanking :smthumbup:


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## NothingMan (Jul 16, 2009)

Amp,


Your thoughts on why I hate the 5lol is spot on. That is EXACTLY whats going. I've even explained to her my feelings about whats been happening post reading that book. I've explained time and time again how I feel i am not getting what I need. Now, when we broach the subject she becomes super-defensive. So she knows how I feel and apparently it makes her uncomfortable that I feel that way. But even so, she makes no attempt to remedy the situation. I think my next logical step to sleep in a separate room and let her know she has the power to bring me back in, but that would require changes in her priority list, mostly moving me up somewhere before cleaning and the pets.


It would be easier if I didnt love her. Unfortunately for me, I do. Leaving isnt what I want, I want her. But more importantly I want her to want me. I NEED her to need me. Sounds like a song.


There has to be a woman out there that would appreciate me as more then just a caregiver/maid. Im sure there is. But it doesnt matter because that person isnt her. Hence the problem.




John


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

That actually is a song 

"I want you to want me....I need you to need me...I love you to love me..."

The artist is "Cheap Trick", the song is "I Want You to Want Me"

I'd go with you sleeping in another room, but letting her know that you'll be back in the bedroom when she decides she wants you there.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

I would not start sleeping in a separate room tonight because (Drumroll please)
She will think that you are moving out of the bedroom because she did not have sex with you when she came in from the trip.

Even though you and I know it is not why, she will see it as that. Us women are confusing creatures. I would start with the note and see what happens from there. Discuss it over date night that you intend to move into the other room, but be sure to follow through. One night on the hide-a-bed won't get through to her.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Amplexor said:


> John
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I was thinking F
and she might be a control freak... 
maybe even A (and B... the control freak)

???
I'd never thought C........... and it kinda flipped me out 
you said C.


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## NothingMan (Jul 16, 2009)

I was thinking B C and F. 




John


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