# Coping with an almost-sexless marriage.



## SturdyTechie (Dec 14, 2014)

Let me start this by saying, I really appreciate all of the sharing everyone here does. I read through the posts and it gave me the strength to be completely honest here.

I have been married to my wife for 10.5 years. We have 3 children together, and I have another older child from my 1st marriage. We both work, but we work from home most of the time, with me commuting to the office for a few days every month or so. There's no doubt the children are a huge source of stress, with our youngest being 3. We have no family close by, and so we basically don't get things like "date night" without arranging sitters.

My sexual desire levels have gone up and down over the years, as I think is normal, but for the last year and a half, I've been ramping my desire up. First and foremost, I feel like I've had joy in my professional life, and I've wanted to share that with her in all ways. We smile and laugh a lot together, but for the last 18 months, I've just been way more in to her than I was since almost before we got married. I just think she's hot as hell, and I find myself fantasizing about when we will finally get it on. This increase in my desire for her started when pot was legalized in my state, leading me to start experimenting and re-discovering that I really love to be high and affectionate. I feel that it opens me up to enjoying physical touch, and even helps encourage me to be affectionate with my wife. So for a while, we had a lot more sex, and then it tapered back off, and now for the last year, it's been really frustrating for me, as she simply does not want to have sex most of the time. She also just recently confessed that she doesn't like it when I'm high because "it makes you horny and you talk funny." I'm having to process that still, but I do look back now and the last 2 months or so I have maybe been high more than I should have.

But I just can't seem to shake the idea that she's just not in to me anymore. It's one thing for me to be on an upswing, and her on a downswing, for a while. But I feel like I've been drumming up sexual desire in her for years now. When we met, we had sex 5 times a week. That's obviously not sustainable.. hell I don't think I'd be able to do more than once or twice a week. Most recently, on our 10th anniversary, we had this amazing day, and she responded with the kind of sexual explosion that was a part of us realizing we were meant for each other. I don't expect that more than once per year, but usually it leads to more sex in general. This was kind of a one time deal though. She had another explosion after I bought her a plane ticket to go to her high school reunion (it's in another country). When she got back, she was relaxed, talking non-stop about her friends and reconnecting and it wasn't just the sex: She had a spark for life again. When I say I want more sex, what I really mean is, I want to share that spark with her.

I read some articles that say the generally agreed upon definition of "sexless" is less than 10 times per year. I would say that for the last 4-5 years, we've just been staying over that line. I try really hard not to keep score or count days or anything like that, but one can't help but look back and see a pattern. No sex during her menstrual cycle. No sex right before periods. If we do have sex, it either happen in the 2 days around ovulation, or the day after menses ceases. Otherwise, no sex. So if I take a trip out of town while she's ovulating, that's a missed month. We miss a month about once or twice a year. Hence: just barely not sexless.

So, I'm just not sure what to do with myself. I love her so deeply, and I want to know she feels that spark in her life, with or without me. She just seems to have accepted being stressed out all the time. That has been going on for years, but I felt like we addressed it. She had horrible jobs: we got her better ones. She hated commuting: we found her a work from home position. She felt unfulfilled in her day job: we self-funded a startup doing something she dreamed about. I may not be the best at keeping the house clean, and I do talk too much sometimes, but I freakin rock when it comes to being supportive and open to changes of any kind. But none of it has led to that spark returning. She's already talking about going back to a normal 9-5 after the failure of her startup. It's actually been dead for 6 months, and she's just now willing to talk about it. I asked her if she was at all excited about the prospect of jumping back in, or finding a new company to work with. She said one word: "No."

So, yeah, what do I do? I see a personal therapist and she says just express concern for her emotional well being, show love and nurturing care, and be patient. That feels like the right thing, except that it's exactly what I've been doing for years now. Are we just done having sex? Should I just accept that we're headed toward a fully sexless marriage, and find other ways of expressing and sharing romantic energy with her? Is that even possible? That honestly sounds so complicated and empty: Sex is fun, as far as I can tell we still fully trust each other, neither of us has cheated or been abusive. Let's strip and play together.. or.. yeah we could go to sleep at 10:00, yeah.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Couple's counselling, as a starting point is what I'd advise.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

Ask her about scheduling sex once a week.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It looks like she is telling you that she doesn't like have sex with a guy who is stoned.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> It looks like she is telling you that she doesn't like have sex with a guy who is stoned.


This would have been my point. Blondie here, sat on this and blunted, some, my sharpest bullet point. 

I concur: She loves you, not the stoned stranger.

You admit to talking too much...

THRD was a talker, he drove some quiet minded folks from comfortable to uneasy.

Likely, you do too, three, four, why persist?

....................................................................................................

Pot loosens your inhibitions, likely so your tongue.
And it likely makes your mouth smell like a two day old ashtray.

Women, in General, love talkers, howsoever, she may love Privates, private times, quiet, easy love making.

Break away from that routine.
Rambling routine.

Aye!

..................................................................................................

Learn to talk with your hands, speak in tongues. 

Do so, having a silenced tongue. 

Yes, moons and moans are acceptable.

She may not be getting off due to the background chatter, buzz, her love buzz becoming, side band, chattered dead.



[?]


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Cut down on the weed and don't pay the mortgage. When she asks why, say "I just don't feel like it". When she responds by saying "that's crazy - you have a responsibility to take care of it", say that's exactly my thoughts about you having meaningful sex with me.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Yes do slow down the toking, and as l read your post. You sure have alot of me this me that, but your being open and 
supportive to changes with your willingnesss and you think it should be a trade off for more sex and and letting you be high and more affectionate.

You also said that less sex really started about a year ago and, you started getting high about 18 months. Well l think that you are closer to your answer than you think. Stop the getting high for a month or so, letting your wife see that you can, and stop being reactive to her and then she may be more responsive to you sexually. Maybe she wants you to set an example for your children. But being in a groovy mood all the time, to your spouse may relay your just not serious about your lives together. 

And your self-indulgent ways are more important to you. And maybe your wife see's where that money could be used more wisely. And eliminate her 9-5 job. Just change to keep your wife, feelings of security fulfilled and let her know and feel that she and your children come first.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> It looks like she is telling you that she doesn't like have sex with a guy who is stoned.


(To the OP) Don't even bother with entertaining any way to change her attitude towards sex until you get off the weed or at least not when she's around. I mean c'mon, you don't even know who you are when you're stoned. Seriously. And you just toss that into your lengthy piece with just a line or two. I scarcely noticed it at first, but then read some of the other comments and it's like hey, this is a problem. And to suggest that anything about getting stoned changes because it's "legal" is like saying being drunk was more an issue during prohibition than after. You may have a serious issue that you need to come to terms with. Even if it's not a serious issue for you per se, it may be a serious issue with your marriage. Don't think you even mentioned if your wife gets high too?


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

And thank you for your honesty!!


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Tilted 1 said:


> Yes do slow down the toking, and as l read your post. You sure have alot of me this me that, but your being open and
> supportive to changes with your willingnesss and you think it should be a trade off for more sex and and letting you be high and more affectionate.
> 
> You also said that less sex really started about a year ago and, you started getting high about 18 months. Well l think that you are closer to your answer than you think. Stop the getting high for a month or so, letting your wife see that you can, and stop being reactive to her and then she may be more responsive to you sexually. Maybe she wants you to set an example for your children. But being in a groovy mood all the time, to your spouse may relay your just not serious about your lives together.
> ...


Really? So in order to have a sex life with his wife, she shouldn't have to have a job? 

Let's put out a bulletin to all females: no need to work if you provide your partner with a regular sex life. 

I really like my full time job, but personally am pretty tired of the daily grind, getting my ass to the office by 8am, and would love a life of more leisure. I also like a full sex life. Sign me up!!


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

She likes the real you, not the stoned, immature person you have become. IMO, y'all need to sit down and talk and LISTEN to each other.

Three children plus another part time plus a job can be exhausting. You are helpful, but also focused on sex and your needs. Pampering her, appreciating her, genuinely encouraging her will increase your intimacy and that will lead to romance hopefully. 

You might want to read some books on sustaining marriage--after a number of years...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Sturdy,
Get a voice activated recorder and use it for one week. Turn it on and don’t think about it. 

Then go back and listen. It’s ok for you to drive conversations provided she finds the topics interesting or amusing. That said, too much talking is a bad way to crowd someone. The last thing a crowded person feels is desire. 

Also - there are polite laughs - thank God my wife never does those - vs lite, moderate and full body laughs. 

Most of the guys who talk about their wives the way you do - are not able to demonstrate the restraint required to create an upward spiral of respect and passion. The subtext of your post is: I don’t deserve her
And I’d guess the subtext of her complaining is: Since you don’t deserve me, why don’t you compensate for it by letting me be a full time mom





SturdyTechie said:


> Let me start this by saying, I really appreciate all of the sharing everyone here does. I read through the posts and it gave me the strength to be completely honest here.
> 
> I have been married to my wife for 10.5 years. We have 3 children together, and I have another older child from my 1st marriage. We both work, but we work from home most of the time, with me commuting to the office for a few days every month or so. There's no doubt the children are a huge source of stress, with our youngest being 3. We have no family close by, and so we basically don't get things like "date night" without arranging sitters.
> 
> ...


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Livvie said:


> Tilted 1 said:
> 
> 
> > Yes do slow down the toking, and as l read your post. You sure have alot of me this me that, but your being open and
> ...


No, what l am saying is before pot became legal, and he just indulgence his himself. He and his wife worked from home so (no daycare needed) now would you want to leave your children you have together with a drugged up high person. 

Just doesn't fly in my world. So if that was the case by what you are thinking you would because you could live you life in such a way that put trust in you spouse knowing the her pleasure come first. By all means.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

And the OP, never said he was going to get a 9-5 job.


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## Somearebiased (Aug 21, 2019)

Those of you suggesting he quit smoking cannabis are crazy like seriously would you tell someone to stop eating broccoli or working out because cannabis is good for mental and physical health but yes it can be abused like anything. 
She doesn’t like her stoned and you don’t like when she’s be a “insert descriptive here” fair is fair I guess maybe is she starts making love to you more you could cut back a bit. I don’t think you should ever have to give up medicine for a spouse... cannabis is medicine despite what some uneducated people think. We have an endocannabinoid system for a reason....


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Somearebiased said:


> Those of you suggesting he quit smoking cannabis are crazy like seriously would you tell someone to stop eating broccoli or working out because cannabis is good for mental and physical health but yes it can be abused like anything.
> She doesn’t like her stoned and you don’t like when she’s be a “insert descriptive here” fair is fair I guess maybe is she starts making love to you more you could cut back a bit. I don’t think you should ever have to give up medicine for a spouse... cannabis is medicine despite what some uneducated people think. We have an endocannabinoid system for a reason....


There a big difference between cannabis for medical reasons and this-


"She also just recently confessed that she doesn't like it *when I'm high* because "it makes you horny and you talk funny." I'm having to process that still, but I do look back now and the last 2 months or so *I have maybe been high more than I should have*."​


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Yeah...tell her you have been listening to her, and you decided to cut way back on the pot. Also, that you hope she can listen to you, and tell her that you need to have sex weekly. Then pick a day, and keep it, even if it’s a quickie. Come to an agreement.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Somearebiased.
So where in the OP post does he say it's his medicine. And if a argument for cannabis, start a thread on it's uses and pro and cons. Be a great place to discuss it's merits. Personally it should be made legal in all state's, It would truly benefit my daughter. And ease her pain. We have drove to those states to get her the relief she so deserves.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

SturdyTechie said:


> When I say I want more sex, what I really mean is, I want to share that spark with her.


When things in life that are new and exciting become replaced with mundane and routine, it is hard to keep the sparks flying. Generally speaking "sparks" are created when you mix in a little adrenaline with your love making. As couples become comfortable and familiar with one another and as routines take over most aspects of life, finding something that will elicit some adrenaline becomes increasingly challenging. 

Then there is the notion of questioning if your spouse is even into you or not. Generally speaking one's self confidence is probably the most attractive element that you can possess. So questioning your partner's desire for you is just a self fulfilling death spiral of a prophecy created by issues with your own self esteem. 

Sustaining a great sex life in marriage is about sustaining positive self development as a couple. So if your wife's High School is in a different country, does she get to celebrate her culture or does she have to ignore it? Do you speak her native language often? Do you communicate often with your mother in law in a meaningful and positive way? In what ways has being married to her created a positive change for you? Do you enjoy the foods she grew up eating? Do you know what her favorite candy from her country is? Have you ever discussed the idea of vacationing together where she grew up? So on and so on...

Badsanta


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

It’s the same with having sex with any addict, drug user, alcoholic. They are more in love with the feeling of being high, it’s disrespectful and will dampen any desire of the non user. Your stoned desire made her lose hers and quite frankly I wouldn’t blame her.


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## bkyln309 (Feb 1, 2015)

Grow up and stop smoking pot. You arent a teenager.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

True

And also that she doesn’t much like having sex with him sober as the 10 or so times a year thing far preceded the pot use. 

I doubt he will make progress in the bedroom without quitting and am confident that quitting isn’t itself the cure to their issues.




Blondilocks said:


> It looks like she is telling you that she doesn't like have sex with a guy who is stoned.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Well, I myself don't smoke as when early in life, but smoking pot is like drinking alcohol. 

You going to tell a person to quit drinking, they're not a teenager anymore?

Just to be fair.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I completely agree with the general sentiment.

I also believe that a partner is perfectly within their rights to say: I don’t like having sex with you when you are buzzed from alcohol or stoned from pot. 

She sounds chronically anxious - and he seems utterly unequipped to help her with that. 

In my experience, people who talk about their intense love for a partner who: doesn’t reciprocate and isn’t very happy, have a hard time accepting where they actually are. 




Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Well, I myself don't smoke as when early in life, but smoking pot is like drinking alcohol.
> 
> You going to tell a person to quit drinking, they're not a teenager anymore?
> 
> Just to be fair.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

MEM2020 said:


> True
> 
> And also that she doesn’t much like having sex with him sober as the 10 or so times a year thing far preceded the pot use.
> 
> I doubt he will make progress in the bedroom without quitting and am confident that quitting isn’t itself the cure to their issues.


Thank you for calling this out. Decreasing the pot use may be wise for its own reasons, but it's not going to fix a borderline sexless marriage that far precedes the pot use. 

One other thing nobody seems to have noticed--OP seems to be indicating that the pot use is partially if not fully fueling his desire for his wife (see the part about where he'd previously been 'drumming up' sexual feelings for her).

The pot fixed one side of the issue--his libido--but did nothing to hers. At this point, OP is just exacerbating his own frustration.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

As between the 2 of them, they would probably have more sex if she was the one using pot. She has untreated anxiety disorder. Very hard for most women to be sexual when they are feeling anxious. He isn't the one who needs to be medicated.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Somearebiased said:


> Those of you suggesting he quit smoking cannabis are crazy like seriously would you tell someone to stop eating broccoli or working out because cannabis is good for mental and physical health but yes it can be abused like anything.
> She doesn’t like her stoned and you don’t like when she’s be a “insert descriptive here” fair is fair I guess maybe is she starts making love to you more you could cut back a bit. I don’t think you should ever have to give up medicine for a spouse... cannabis is medicine despite what some uneducated people think. We have an endocannabinoid system for a reason....


I know very little about pot. But do you have to get high to get these affects you're talking about? I've heard the beneficial parts of the plant can be isolated out so you use those without getting stoned. 

I'm sorry, but if I thought my partner had to get stoned in order to want me, I wouldn't want him near me with a ten foot pole. I just wouldn't. I think it's pretty easy to see the OP's wife feels the same. How OP deals with that knowledge is up to him I guess.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Pot isn't addictive or dysfunctional.

Yeah...right...


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> Pot isn't addictive or dysfunctional.
> 
> Yeah...right...


It isn't any more addictive or dysfunctional than alcohol. Actually, probably less so on the whole.


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## Tony Conrad (Oct 7, 2013)

Maybe it is like getting drunk in order to lose the inhibitions and have sex. I took viagra a few times and I was shocked that my mind was on another woman. That wasn't the normal me. I haven't taken it since and have returned to normal. Our minds should be on our spouses as well as enjoying the sex. If one has to have pot to have sex then something is wrong somewhere. If I gave my wife a drug that made her die for sex the sex would be enjoyable but it wouldn't really be with her it would be with the effect the drug was having on her. Real intimacy is with the person they are not with the effect of something that made them lose their inhibitions. It makes it unreal.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

MEM2020 said:


> True
> 
> And also that she doesn’t much like having sex with him sober as the 10 or so times a year thing far preceded the pot use.
> 
> I doubt he will make progress in the bedroom without quitting and am confident that quitting isn’t itself the cure to their issues.


I do not think it is a binary scenario. Disrespect and minimization of the other in any marriage has long lasting impacts. I guess he also feels disrespected or undervalued too. However once a woman loses that loving feeling it is usually very hard to get back unless the husband is making a concerted effort and is very transparent and willing to talk about what went wrong.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Genuine desire cannot be negotiated. 
All the MC in the world won't work for that.
You must become the man she desires. 
All you can do is change you, change your actions, change your appearance, change your behavior. 
Be the man she will want to please. 
It's really all you can do.....

Or bail out.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

StillSearching said:


> Genuine desire cannot be negotiated...


I think perhaps that is an area where some folks might get confused. In my opinion I think the notion of what people define as "desire" is actually very different from one person to the other. While it may be awkward to cite this, individuals that undergo a transition from one gender to another often come out of that process with a new definition and understanding of what a libido even is and how it influences desire for a partner. For women that become men it is a notion of, "I had no idea and can honestly say that women do not understand how powerful the drive is for male sexuality." For men that become women it is a notion of, "sexual touch still feels just as wonderful and I am now multi orgasmic, but there is just no underlying drive to have sex or orgasm anymore." 

For men the notion of desire is something that is obvious and easily correlated with cause and effect. Men very well know exactly what it is that is desired and how it works. Need more desire in a relationship, just add more A), B), and/or C). If a spouse needs to ask what is needed, a guy will just say more A), B), and/or C). To her those things may feel arbitrary and unattributed to who she is and in turn the notion of understanding this will might make her feel used. This will cause problems in the relationship.

Perhaps for women the notion of desire is fluid and the associations of cause and effect are too often subject to nonconcurrence from one experience to the next. For women it seems variety is the spice of life for creating desire. Need more desire in a relationship, just add something unexpectedly fun and serendipitously romantic. If a spouse has to ask what exactly will accomplish that, whatever ideas he had were just ruined and will no longer work. A man will feel like she is just not being honest about her desires and question if there is something wrong in the relationship. He might wonder why she will just not come out and talk about not getting enough A), B), and/or C) that she needs for her sexual desire to thrive. This will cause problems in the relationship. 

In the OP's case he just wants to smoke more pot and behave like a horny teenager. His wife is no longer able to associate and attribute that to who she is and has grown tired of the routine. Even if it was kind of exciting when they tried it again the first few times. 

So @StillSearching you are correct desire can not be negotiated. We may have been thinking about this from completely different perspectives, but our final viewpoint is the same. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

StillSearching said:


> All you can do is change you, change your actions, change your appearance, change your behavior.


Whatever happened to "just be yourself" as always being the best advice?


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

badsanta said:


> Whatever happened to "just be yourself" as always being the best advice?


That IS being who you are.
Some peeps just need a map to get there.
And as far as desire.....That's not debatable. IMO.
Genuine desire can be recognized as initiation. If one does not know how to pick up on it.
Genuine desire should be obvious to the recipient.
Desire is often not Genuine


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Santa,
I one hundred percent agree with the post below. I have concluded that women have a very keen awareness of third rail conversations. Such as telling your partner that he is:
- Bad in bed
- Unattractive to you

It’s kind of funny that I have not yet heard a woman explicitly say: he’s boring 

And yet I’m certain that boredom is the NUMBER 1 killer of passion. Perhaps it is rarely addressed because its a chronic condition and not an acute issue. This is why I personally don’t believe that there is anything necessarily helpful about spending 15 hours together each week. And fwiw - yes - M2 and I easily hit that number. 

But time together can easily devolve into very repetitious patterns. 

This is why I try to be more aware of how much real connection is happening. If I exclude touch for just a moment, my view of connection is:
- A conversation that is so mutually fascinating that, engagement level is 100% for both people. Recently we found a topic that produces this result - Supreme Court cases. 
- A conversation that produces a lot of laughter. 
- A conversation that is frighteningly unfiltered 
- Rare as it is, an exchange that leaves the other person crying, but not in a bad way - I had to write something for a family event. Asked M2 for feedback/edits and she laughed at the start and cried at the end. Said she wouldn’t change a word.

The stuff above is my attempt to compensate for being excessively patterned in general. 

I do believe that a steady diet of somewhat boring conversation/interaction slowly but certainly kills passion. Especially for women - as they aren’t walking round with a near lethal testosterone payload.....




badsanta said:


> I think perhaps that is an area where some folks might get confused. In my opinion I think the notion of what people define as "desire" is actually very different from one person to the other. While it may be awkward to cite this, individuals that undergo a transition from one gender to another often come out of that process with a new definition and understanding of what a libido even is and how it influences desire for a partner. For women that become men it is a notion of, "I had no idea and can honestly say that women do not understand how powerful the drive is for male sexuality." For men that become women it is a notion of, "sexual touch still feels just as wonderful and I am now multi orgasmic, but there is just no underlying drive to have sex or orgasm anymore."
> 
> For men the notion of desire is something that is obvious and easily correlated with cause and effect. Men very well know exactly what it is that is desired and how it works. Need more desire in a relationship, just add more A), B), and/or C). If a spouse needs to ask what is needed, a guy will just say more A), B), and/or C). To her those things may feel arbitrary and unattributed to who she is and in turn the notion of understanding this will might make her feel used. This will cause problems in the relationship.
> 
> ...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

1. The mechanics of a normal persons day - are generally not interesting. Exceptions could be:
- Enough stuff went wrong to put you in a noticeably bad mood. Ideally you apply the thirty second rule to explaining what happened. Had to deal with a very difficult customer, and/or my computer kept hanging at key moments, and/or my boss is being very unreasonable about. Clarity without excessive detail. But then - I really don’t need someone to emotionally bandage me for standard first world - nonsense. That’s what the gym is for.
- A story that is interesting. Like my return of a non functioning Bluetooth headset - all of 6 weeks old. What made it worth a couple minutes of banter was the Best Buy customer service rep trying to refund only the headset price, and none of the 2 year warranty value. 
2. Put differently - the odds that I did anything remotely interesting compared to the most interesting events in a closely monitored world of 7 plus billion people - are vanishingly low. 





MEM2020 said:


> Santa,
> I one hundred percent agree with the post below. I have concluded that women have a very keen awareness of third rail conversations. Such as telling your partner that he is:
> - Bad in bed
> - Unattractive to you
> ...


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

My advice: being nice, thoughtful, and all that are good. They aren’t going to cause panties to drop very often, but they can sure keep them on if you get ‘em wrong. So keep doing that. 

But also be your best you. Diet, exercise, enriching your mind. All that is for you but can also make you devastatingly attractive. 

But the kicker that I’ve found is to do what you want. Follow your passion. Ask for what you want. I cannot count the number of times that my wife has gone from “meh” to “holy ****” because I’ve taken “do whatever you want” very literally. 

Live is for living. Do not chase her desire. Do not benchmark yourself by how attracted she is. Take a bite out of life and make it yours. She will respond or she won’t.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

MEM2020 said:


> Santa,
> I one hundred percent agree with the post below. I have concluded that women have a very keen awareness of third rail conversations. Such as telling your partner that he is:
> - Bad in bed
> - Unattractive to you
> ...


Thanks for sharing that. If you look at the things that women find extremely stimulating, take the notion of the following two items:



A novel about a vampire's forbidden romance with a mortal.
A new movie based on a true story about forbidden romance between NASA astronauts. 

For the first item she has already read those books repeatedly by now and seen the movies, so reading that again would for sure be boring. The notion of the second item will get some attention since it is based on a true story an astronaut that after her lover had an affair, she allegedly wore diapers while driving to kidnap the other woman. 

October 4th, 2019 starring Natalie Portman. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lucy_in_the_Sky

By 2020, the second item on the list will be boring again. 

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## SturdyTechie (Dec 14, 2014)

CraigBesuden said:


> Ask her about scheduling sex once a week.


We started with "How about we schedule the next time." This went very well, she wanted to schedule it for 2 days after we talked, and for the next 2 days we could be intimate and affectionate without the usual specter of "oh no, this means he's going to make a move and I have to reject him." We both agreed that was great, and the sex was freakin awesome.

But, it didn't fix the spark. She's stressed out a lot and I don't think it's really me in particular. I'm pretty sure she's having an identity crisis. :-/


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## SturdyTechie (Dec 14, 2014)

MAJDEATH said:


> Cut down on the weed and don't pay the mortgage. When she asks why, say "I just don't feel like it". When she responds by saying "that's crazy - you have a responsibility to take care of it", say that's exactly my thoughts about you having meaningful sex with me.


She pays the mortgage too bub.


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## SturdyTechie (Dec 14, 2014)

Tilted 1 said:


> Yes do slow down the toking, and as l read your post. You sure have alot of me this me that, but your being open and
> supportive to changes with your willingnesss and you think it should be a trade off for more sex and and letting you be high and more affectionate.
> 
> You also said that less sex really started about a year ago and, you started getting high about 18 months. Well l think that you are closer to your answer than you think. Stop the getting high for a month or so, letting your wife see that you can, and stop being reactive to her and then she may be more responsive to you sexually. Maybe she wants you to set an example for your children. But being in a groovy mood all the time, to your spouse may relay your just not serious about your lives together.
> ...


The pot usage was pretty moderate, 1-2 times per week, until about 2 months ago. I hit a very stressful patch at work and was just toking up to chill out after work. I don't smoke at all until the children go to sleep.

We've talked a bit since, and she's made it clear she doesn't dislike that I do it, only that I have, lately, been stoned. TBH I usually smoke 2:1 CBD:THC which doesn't even really get me stoned. But lately I've been hitting the Indo more just to have some fun before sleep.

I'm resolving to cut back to 1 - 2 times per week. We'll see. I don't think this is about the weed directly, it's just clouding the issue (pun intended 

(Also, weed is pretty strong and pretty cheap these days, I can buy enough to get royally stoned every day for a month for $50. I typically spend more like $20/month. Also we're financially well off. It's not that).


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## SturdyTechie (Dec 14, 2014)

Casual Observer said:


> (To the OP) Don't even bother with entertaining any way to change her attitude towards sex until you get off the weed or at least not when she's around. I mean c'mon, you don't even know who you are when you're stoned. Seriously. And you just toss that into your lengthy piece with just a line or two. I scarcely noticed it at first, but then read some of the other comments and it's like hey, this is a problem. And to suggest that anything about getting stoned changes because it's "legal" is like saying being drunk was more an issue during prohibition than after. You may have a serious issue that you need to come to terms with. Even if it's not a serious issue for you per se, it may be a serious issue with your marriage. Don't think you even mentioned if your wife gets high too?


Thanks for the concern, but I don't get so high I forget who I am.. that's.. yeah no. We're talking a couple puffs on the vape leading to a libido spike and the munchies.

We talked about the weed explicitly recently. I'm adjusting things and dialing it back a bit to give us space to see what's up. But I'm still pretty sure this is as much about what she's going through as anything else.


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## SturdyTechie (Dec 14, 2014)

Tilted 1 said:


> No, what l am saying is before pot became legal, and he just indulgence his himself. He and his wife worked from home so (no daycare needed) now would you want to leave your children you have together with a drugged up high person.
> 
> Just doesn't fly in my world. So if that was the case by what you are thinking you would because you could live you life in such a way that put trust in you spouse knowing the her pleasure come first. By all means.


Uhm, have you tried to get work done with a 3 year old around?

Daycare is definitely required. Watching, entertaining, and teaching young children is a full time job.


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## SturdyTechie (Dec 14, 2014)

Somearebiased said:


> Those of you suggesting he quit smoking cannabis are crazy like seriously would you tell someone to stop eating broccoli or working out because cannabis is good for mental and physical health but yes it can be abused like anything.
> She doesn’t like her stoned and you don’t like when she’s be a “insert descriptive here” fair is fair I guess maybe is she starts making love to you more you could cut back a bit. I don’t think you should ever have to give up medicine for a spouse... cannabis is medicine despite what some uneducated people think. We have an endocannabinoid system for a reason....


How high were you when you posted this? ;-)

Hah, yeah, but I think I may have been pushing it a bit with this medicine. If I feel great, but she's rolling her eyes and doesn't want to hear my stoned-voice.. it's hurting more than it's helping.


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## SturdyTechie (Dec 14, 2014)

badsanta said:


> When things in life that are new and exciting become replaced with mundane and routine, it is hard to keep the sparks flying. Generally speaking "sparks" are created when you mix in a little adrenaline with your love making. As couples become comfortable and familiar with one another and as routines take over most aspects of life, finding something that will elicit some adrenaline becomes increasingly challenging.
> 
> Then there is the notion of questioning if your spouse is even into you or not. Generally speaking one's self confidence is probably the most attractive element that you can possess. So questioning your partner's desire for you is just a self fulfilling death spiral of a prophecy created by issues with your own self esteem.
> 
> ...


Yeah, Its frustrating to question her desire knowing that it will go into that downward spiral. It's also weird to be confident in most areas, but not this. I'm crushing it at work, crushing it in my hobbies, and we've recently made some financial moves that have us living some of our dreams right now. I'm pretty confident about *everything* going on, except whether or not she wants to be with me. I will say, our scheduled love making a few days after the OP convinced me that it's *definitely* not that. Given the time and space to get into that mood, she was absolutely back to her old form.

per her culture, she's been here for 20 years. When I met her, I didn't even know she was from a different country until we had a deep conversation, she has near 0 accent. I speak her native tongue like a 5th grader, and have made many efforts to improve my skills. She barely talks to her mother , it would be weird for me to. Her favorite candy is Milka chocolate, and I buy it for her whenever I see it. We spent the entire summer in her home town last year as a family, and a few of her immediate family are coming to visit this Fall. I routinely trek across town at 7am to be at the bakery that makes the special bread her people love and adore. No, we're good there.. I think I like her culture more than she does sometimes  The problem is just that my family is almost non-existant or far away, and hers is just far away. It just adds stress.


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## SturdyTechie (Dec 14, 2014)

Fozzy said:


> Thank you for calling this out. Decreasing the pot use may be wise for its own reasons, but it's not going to fix a borderline sexless marriage that far precedes the pot use.
> 
> One other thing nobody seems to have noticed--OP seems to be indicating that the pot use is partially if not fully fueling his desire for his wife (see the part about where he'd previously been 'drumming up' sexual feelings for her).
> 
> The pot fixed one side of the issue--his libido--but did nothing to hers. At this point, OP is just exacerbating his own frustration.


Totally agree. I enjoyed the sex-while-high so much, I got high just in case we might have sex. Vicious cycle really. Scheduling sex beforehand should help with that. Also just being clear that I'm still going to smoke a little here and there, but I'll avoid it when she has to deal with me, maybe should help.

Either way, cutting back, and being clear that it's just something I thought was adding, and it's clearly subtracting, will help.. I think.


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## SturdyTechie (Dec 14, 2014)

Holdingontoit said:


> As between the 2 of them, they would probably have more sex if she was the one using pot. She has untreated anxiety disorder. Very hard for most women to be sexual when they are feeling anxious. He isn't the one who needs to be medicated.


She actually *is* being treated for anxiety, but it's early stages. Basically, her doctor suggested behavioral changes at this stage. I failed to mention this in the original post because, frankly, I was just mad and very inward focused and being selfish. Thanks for calling it out.

And I do kind of look at what I'm doing, and what she's doing, and wish I could suggest a little CBD (I don't think she needs THC) to take the edge off for her. But, it seems like that would potentially move us into a very awkward place.... "Hey honey, I dislike how you speak when you're high." "Oh yeah? Well if you do some too, you'll love it!"

If she wants some, I have made it clear she's welcome, but I'm not going to suggest it.


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## SturdyTechie (Dec 14, 2014)

notmyjamie said:


> I know very little about pot. But do you have to get high to get these affects you're talking about? I've heard the beneficial parts of the plant can be isolated out so you use those without getting stoned.
> 
> I'm sorry, but if I thought my partner had to get stoned in order to want me, I wouldn't want him near me with a ten foot pole. I just wouldn't. I think it's pretty easy to see the OP's wife feels the same. How OP deals with that knowledge is up to him I guess.


Pot tends to amp up the pleasure centers of the brain, and THC specifically will increase testosterone production. The medicinal strains that don't get you stoned are usually much higher in CBD, which actually counteracts THC's testosterone spiking.. so if you take those, you will likely have no libido effect.

I see your point there, and I think that's something to consider.


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## SturdyTechie (Dec 14, 2014)

Tony Conrad said:


> Maybe it is like getting drunk in order to lose the inhibitions and have sex. I took viagra a few times and I was shocked that my mind was on another woman. That wasn't the normal me. I haven't taken it since and have returned to normal. Our minds should be on our spouses as well as enjoying the sex. If one has to have pot to have sex then something is wrong somewhere. If I gave my wife a drug that made her die for sex the sex would be enjoyable but it wouldn't really be with her it would be with the effect the drug was having on her. Real intimacy is with the person they are not with the effect of something that made them lose their inhibitions. It makes it unreal.



Sorry but I disagree. I have sex with my wife to share a moment of joy and passion for each other. That joy and passion aren't any greater with THC in my brain. What is greater is their prominence. The laundry, firing somebody at work, and hockey practices, are a lot easier to tune out when stoned, and it's a lot easier to just narrow focus on her.

That said, she doesn't like it, so, for now, it's out.


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## SturdyTechie (Dec 14, 2014)

Marduk said:


> My advice: being nice, thoughtful, and all that are good. They aren’t going to cause panties to drop very often, but they can sure keep them on if you get ‘em wrong. So keep doing that.
> 
> But also be your best you. Diet, exercise, enriching your mind. All that is for you but can also make you devastatingly attractive.
> 
> ...


This is more or less what my therapist told me.

Stop trying to walk on eggshells and address her pain. Hold on to your identity, show her that you know who you are, and what you want, and make it clear you want her to be there with you, and you support whatever she's doing to heal herself. But it's not your job to fix her.

I do absolutely struggle with asking for what I want. I'm a people pleasing hyper-extrovert.. which means it's hard for me to just go do my thing without first making sure she's down with it, and it's pretty easy for me to expend a lot of energy just getting stuff for her.

Doesn't help that she's Type-A, tells me exactly what she wants, at all times, meaning it's pretty easy to just fall in line behind her rather than expend energy fighting for what I want.

Thanks.


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