# When She Says, "I don't love you anymore."



## totalcpl (Aug 5, 2008)

Okay...first let me start with a little background info on my wife & I. We've been married for 27 years...yeah...that's a long time. We had only known one another for 3-months before we got married. The first year we were married I was in the Navy and left to go overseas for 6 months. About a month into my 6-month deployment I got the dreaded *"Dear John"* letter. She said things to me that just kinda blew me away...mostly about how I treated her and how I made her feel. I was really taken back by the things she said because I have no idea...all I knew was that I loved her and it was love on the 3rd date. Regardless...when I returned back to the US, we reconciled and moved forward.

Since then, I have always thought we had a good relationship but have discovered over the past couples of years that it was a total misconception on my part. It seems that I have been "dominating" every aspect of our relationship & decision making process and not building a strong emotional connection from the time we were dating to the 25th year of our marriage. In the 25th year of our marriage she announced to me during one of our typical "I (me) want to have sex but you wont' give me any" fights that she wanted a divorce. Totally stunned...I suggested we get marriage counseling at our church and we did. She was totally surprised to hear some of the things come out of my mouth about how much I loved her and how I couldn't imagine living without her...all these years...she apparently felt that I didn't love her. Don't get me wrong...there are a lot of things I don't like about her but in my mind...that has absolutely NOTHING to do with love. I always wanted her to be more like me. Okay...admittedly having an ego and high self esteem has always been my strongest attribute...not that it's worked out that well for me in our relationship. LOL

We only met with our church counselor a few times and patch up our relationship and I made "huge" changes in my demeanor & actions our relationship. She acknowledges the changes I've made in our relationship but only if I ask...she very rarely acknowledges any of my accomplishments without being pressed.

The past two (2) years have been going good according to me expect our sex lives. We've never really had a great sex life and if you go by the experts definition of "sexless marriage" we would fit into that category...not because of me but because of her. Over the course of our marriage when I would complain about our "sexless marriage" she would have a different view of it. Being a guy who likes to deal in facts rather than conjecture, I kept logs of our sex live for years and when I would present the results to her she would get mad.

Fast forward two (2) years later...I told her that 71% (I asked about every other week) of the time this year when I had asked her for sex she refused. She very promptly told me, on my birthday she didn't love me anymore and didn't feel an emotional connection with me.

So...here we sit...she is not sure she wants to move forward with our relationship and I do. Admittedly, I have built a brick wall between us for 25 years of our 27 year marriage but have been taking down the bricks over the past two (2) years. I feel she is standing on the other side of the brick wall refusing to turn around and look at the all the bricks that have been removed.

As you might have guessed, the number one thing that has always caused friction between us is our lack of sex. She is very open for me to see other women for sex but it's just not the same...if I meet someone that I feel could jeopardize my marriage...I eschew them. For example...a buddy & I were at a sports bar about 9 months ago...a super cute 21 yr old girl was hitting on my hard...and I'm 48. I haven't been back to that sports bar since then...I didn't want to risk what may happen...not sexually...but how sleeping with a 21 yr old super cute blond girl would make me feel...believe me...my ego was pumped when she was hitting on me.

The bottom line is this...I love my wife very very much and always have. I can't imagine my life without her but feel that she will "bale" during the first serious storm that comes in our life...especially when our kids are grown. I loath the thought of continuing our relationship only to be lose it when it is convenient for her. On the other hand...I'm worried that if we continue our relationship that I will become bitter because of our "sexless marriage."

So...*my question to y'all is very simply*...how can I reconnect, belay that..."*how can I connect" with my wife* since I don't think she's really every connected to me in 27 yrs of marriage.

_Since I know the question will come up, what attracted her to me in the first place...my confidence. I carry myself with a great deal of confidence and women are generally attracted to that. How does she feel about my confident nature today...to be totally honest...I'm not sure...I think she sorta jealousy of it and likes to see me fail but not 100% sure_.

Thanx in advance for your consideration!!


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Hi Totalcpl!

Sorry to hear you are going thru this. I can relate to your situation; my 22 year marriage is coming to an end. Although my husband is only 50/50 on saving the marriage, I would love to save our marriage. I'd give anything for us to have another chance.

I don't mean to bore folks on this forum, but please read the book, The Five Love Languages. You will have many questions answered by the book. If only my husband and I could have read the book and implemented those principles five years ago, things would have been much different today.. Good Luck!


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Totalcpl (&827Aug)

This must be the double decade marriage in trouble thread. Twenty two years for my wife and I. My best advice Toublecpl is to be consistent in your changes. You have now adopted those changes as a life commitment. Do not expect her to change quickly and be prepared to provide a lot of patience. In addition, get rid of the love log as that would irritate anyone. She will not be very receptive to sexual intimacy unless she feels an emotional connection to you. My wife and I have not had sex in well over a year now but we have improved many aspects of our marriage. My situation has a lot of similarities to yours so again be patient and committed. If you can do those things she will see you are serious about making her happier and she can begin to trust your changes as lasting. I agree with 827Aug, Five Languages is a great book and it really helped me to understand what my wife was missing in our marriage. Spend time with each other as a couple and family. With time things can improve. Good luck


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