# Not happy following husband's career across the country



## ecwife (Jul 13, 2011)

I am looking for different views and advice about my situation.
My husband and I have a respectful, mature marriage with no kids yet (working on it). I love him very much, but have not been able to shake my unhappiness with moving to the east coast, even though I have lived here for 4 years now!
I have had jobs in the first place we moved to on the east coast but they haven't been those that are following my original goals when I got out of graduate school. I feel like I'm just following his life. The job he has now has taken us to a pretty rural area now where he has a large number of acquaintances and friends from over the years when he and I weren't together. I basically don't have to work here because of his salary, and even if I wanted to, there's not much available here anyway. 
Whenever I go home (to the west coast) I have the best time with my good friends and family and have a really hard time (get depressed for a week or two) when I come back to the east coast. I just feel like I've given up so much... is this the way it should be? I have fantasies about buying my own house back in my home area on the west coast so I can visit whenever I want and for as long as I want. I realize there are sacrifices in a marriage because its not all about me any more- but I feel like I'm withering away into obscurity. Again, am I giving up my desires and needs too much? Or is this normal and I need to be able to better make lemonade out of what I consider my lemons?


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

Sounds to me like a security issue. He already has a life waiting for him on the East in terms of friends and a great paying job. You on the other hand have lots of friends and enjoy the west coast. 

You go there with nothing, and that can be upsetting. Unless you have serious security issues you should be able to find activities you enjoy, and you may find work (if thats what you want) in your field. Maybe you could open your own business, especially if the money isnt an issue right now.

Id suggest you first find something positive about moving with your husband to this rural east coast community. Its going to be hard, because the east coast sucks, but you may find something. It may not be the best, but Im sure its far from the woarst.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

I say make lemonade, but add some sugar to it. It doesn't sound like you are making much of an effort to be happy on the east coast. By the way, I'm an east coaster and would NEVER, EVER, entertain living on the "left" coast, so THERE!  

It sounds to me like you are bored. Surely there is some volunteer work you could do to help you get through the day, even in a rural area. I think you should consider how lucky you are to have the freedom that comes with no requirement to work for financial purposes. That means you can do ANYTHING you like with your time.

Assuming your finances allow it, I think purchasing a second home on the west coast is a great idea. Helps the economy, gives you a place to plant your feet when you visit out there, and would certainly help your mental state if you could go back say for a week every quarter or half year.

Give the east coast a chance. It sounds like you are resentful of moving out here and if you hang on to that you'll never be happy. Take advantage of your freedom, volunteer, explore, have a good time.


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

BigToe said:


> I say make lemonade, but add some sugar to it. It doesn't sound like you are making much of an effort to be happy on the east coast. By the way, I'm an east coaster and would NEVER, EVER, entertain living on the "left" coast, so THERE!


:lol: Im left handed, so if you were insinuating anything it didnt work on me!! I like Florida if that counts for anything?

Lemonade with sugar is a great quote! and the East Coaster put it better than I did... Maybe he's right. You should give the East Coast a shot.


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## ecwife (Jul 13, 2011)

Thanks for the advice guys. It's amazing the things you pull out of my post- the things I am struggling with. I have never been good at making lemonade in situations I don't want to be in. I guess that's my problem- It requires a good amount of motivation and positivity on my part and is tough for me I suppose. I realize my situation looks good to many people and most would trade- I don't know why I overlook this- maybe it comes down to my insecurity in starting new and from scratch- meeting friends mainly. It seems like on the west coast, among the people I know, I have always been one that they looked up to as having it together and out here I feel like a follower and since I don't know anyone really closely yet, it seems like nobody cares about what I'm doing or have done or has any real desire to see me. I guess I have a hard time being the go-getter to meet people and enjoy my time here...it's slow going from square 1


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Start meeting new people. There's a saying:

Bloom where you're planted.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

ecwife said:


> Thanks for the advice guys. It's amazing the things you pull out of my post- the things I am struggling with. I have never been good at making lemonade in situations I don't want to be in. I guess that's my problem- It requires a good amount of motivation and positivity on my part and is tough for me I suppose. I realize my situation looks good to many people and most would trade- I don't know why I overlook this- maybe it comes down to my insecurity in starting new and from scratch- meeting friends mainly. It seems like on the west coast, among the people I know, I have always been one that they looked up to as having it together and out here I feel like a follower and since I don't know anyone really closely yet, it seems like nobody cares about what I'm doing or have done or has any real desire to see me. I guess I have a hard time being the go-getter to meet people and enjoy my time here...it's slow going from square 1


I think west/east coast transitions can be tough because the lifestyles really are different. But that doesn't mean you can't assimilate (star trek talk right there). I remember back in the late 90s when the managers in my company where completely whacked out regarding hiring practices. Company policy was that you could move to any group you wanted as long as you were qualified for an open position. For about 18 months however, managers on the East coast would only transfer people from the west coast. The west coast managers would only transfer people from the east coast. Both coasts thought the OTHER coast had the most desirable people. Really weird.

Welcome to the east coast.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Adding a child to this is probably not the best idea, at least until you are more secure in your place. It is OK to miss the past, but you need to figure out what you want. A possitive right now is if you do have a child, you will be able to raise him/her instead of someone else.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Stop trying to have a baby. This issue is a serious issue and needs to be addressed. By serious I mean it will lead to divorce, and it is very unfair to a child to bring him/her into a marriage that is not rock solid.

You should not compromise or sacrifice away your personal happiness in a marriage. I would show your husband what you wrote. It is heartfelt, real, and does not attack him. The two of you should "brainstorm" a living situation that provides BOTH of you happiness. Somewhere in the entire USA there must be a place that does that. You should work hard on coming up with something that is enthusiastically supported by both of you. This is done through communication where both parties get to share what is important to their personal happienss, and their fears / complaints of the ideas or desires that the other person has. IF he is unwilling to compromise for YOUR happiness, then you have a selfish man on you hands, and selfish men make terrible fathers and husbands.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

My wife who has never held a job, feels the same way you do. Unfortunately life isn't perfect and wishing rainbows fly out of her ass isn't actually going to get s^it done or pay the bills. So yes, we moved 700 miles to this place and it has been a daily diatribe of how much it sucks and it was the worst thing we ever did, etc. etc. I stopped telling her to just put the house up for sale years ago. She clearly won't do that. But if she wants to get a job somewhere else, great. Go do that & I will move tomorrow. Otherwise, Rosa Parks, keep your seat and STFU.


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## ecwife (Jul 13, 2011)

The last couple responses were some hard ones to take. Mostly I have followed "Dr. Laura" type advice from what I've listened to in the past- which is very much about me supporting my man who is making the money and I provide a loving, receptive home for him. I can see how this may work out great, but she also talks about finding your purpose as a woman. I'm not with child right now and I have not been able to fully love where I am the past 4 years and am a little off track with my purpose at this point even with some volunteering that I've been trying to do regularly. 
I've had many discussions with my husband and frankly I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere because he even asks me, "what do you want to do", "how are we going to make as much or prepare for our children to come and retirement". When I stop and think about it, I feel like it is better financially to stay here but my heart says "who cares". I've beaten my heart back on regular occasions because it's not getting me anywhere. I've always had strong heart feelings about things ( I'm thinking that's a woman thing) but I try to act more with my head. Sometimes my husband compares me to a good friend of mine back in my home town who doesn't ever want to leave, so much so that she detracted her husband from going on to a well known, prestigious college and ultimately from completing college at all. I don't think of my husband as a selfish person, I just think it would take a strong confident push on my part to change this situation soon and, like I said, I don't know if the move will be bad for us. He's up for changing it in after 5 years or so, but meanwhile, I'm here and I feel like I'm moping but it's enough to make me cry sometimes whether I try to beat my heart down or not. Still, this is my life, the everyday - "day-to-day" experiences matter too, it's not all the big picture of life. You guys can tell me if you think I'm just a big baby or is this a valid push you would make if it was something you wanted. I feel like a defect of a wife. Oh, and I know I could get a good job on the west coast.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

The point is if you're not happy, you're really REALLY never going to feel better about it if you don't raise it as a serious concern and do something concrete about it. I kind of have to be a US citizen living in the US to do my job, but that's it. So if my wife wanted to move to Frozen Ass Penguin Alaska or the most flamboyant strip in South Beach Miami, I don't care. Just stop complaining about it.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

In general, the east coast is a bit more ethnic and loud. People will enforce their boundaries pretty directly and it comes off as cold and rude.

Do you go to church?

There are places to meet receptive warm people anywhere you are. Use your brain and think about where those places are - and get there.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

**** it, I'm goin to Uruguay


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## Mrs. Knight (Jul 15, 2011)

THIS IS A LOOOOONG RESPONSE, but I feel a difficulty that involves your marital happiness, your career, your social life, your familial relations, and your over-all lifestyle can't be summed up ia a paragraph or two. (OR Maybe I am just too lengthy) me :lol: & you:sleeping: ??


Anyway, I feel I may be able to relate to your situation; my husband is a medic for the Navy and we have relocated to the east coast (we are Californians). I quit my job, which I loved, and left my friends and family at home with it. 


Now, before I moved here with him I had a job offer in Italy, which even at a very young age had been my dream. My grandmother was born in Palermo, and my grandfather was born in northern Italy. This job was more than ideal; all of my expenses would be paid by my employer, housing, food, transportation, I'd have weekends free, and 2 months paid vacation every year. In my head I was shouting WOOOOOHOOOO!!!! But, my husband had a different vision for what our careers and lifestyles would look like.


I expressed to him what I was offered and my excitement. He told me he would be a supporter; he appreciates that I have dreams and that I wouldn't throw them away only to regret my decision later, but I could see in his face he was feeling different than he was expressing, and that he was just trying to bless me. Even if we attempted to cut all regret out of ourselves it would still happen; in this case there was much potential for regret on both sides. I could take the job and he could regret telling me it was ok, or I could stay and regret giving up my dream, or we could silently continue to try to please and bless each other and feel we are being cheated adding resentment drop by drop until our cups would over flow and we'd burst, OR, we could communicate and find a "happy middle". We chose to communicate.

Some people find (and for men this is more prevalent), that they do not know how to communicate their emotional needs and feelings. It has been explained that psychologically for men, feelings are abstract and hard to grasp, which makes processing them difficult and explaining them logically seems nearly impossible! It is more common that women understand their feelings and can explain them, but we do not because we feel selfish, or we fear our needs being denied, or we do not want to upset others, or we flat out are not sure how to or what will happen if we do! But it is still important, especially when it comes to your living situation which affects your career, homelife, social life, family relationships, the list goes on and on. It is important to discuss and solve these issues if you want to have an honest bond and open-communication with your husband.

You want to love him, but feeling trapped, depressed, and forcing your tongue not to say "OPEN SESAME!" won't necessarily make you feel warm and fuzzy in your relationship with yourself or the situational-cage! 

There are some things to be aware of when approaching a topic that sometimes, no matter how you put it, sounds something like, "HEY, I'm not happy here, so do something about it!" Of course your spouse will feel guilty or ashamed if he feels he is keeping you from being happy. He may express it in a number of ways that could appear to be anger or not-caring. It may help you as his spouse to study him and maybe even keep a journal of observations of what makes him tick, so you may be better equipped to understand him during more stressful situations and conversations such as these.

Tim felt being away from me for a year or two is not something he'd want for us, and honestly, after getting over my selfish desire to get what I wanted ASAP, I realized it is not something I'd want either. With marriage two singles become one entity, that is what we gladly agreed to when we were married, "to have and to hold from this day forward" so not only was it my job to honor this vow, but I did love and delight in doing so. But being One also meant we'd need to work as one, planning out our lives together in a way that best suits the happiness of the whole, and rarely, but at times making compromises and sacrifices when necessary. This does not by any means mean that one side makes all sacrifices at the others expense or that one side is permitted to be selfish. 

We vowed to lay down our "single" lives to shoot for a good marriage, and we all know, that to have a good marriage both sides need to put in 100%. No one gets married and decides to have a so-so, "I put in my 50% and you put in your 50%, I give this up and grit my teeth, you must do something for me to make up for it" sort of deal, but it may become this way along the line if we do not continue to put our attention and efforts into giving our all to our marriage. Sometimes that means taking a risk and gaining some stress over some intense conversations, but in the long run finding resolutions to these intense conversations will make you closer, stronger, and feel accomplished as a couple. After all, sweeping issues under the rug never built better cleaning habits, just the same as neglecting to push heavy weights will lead to flabby muscles.

I suggest you discuss this with him. When you do bring it up, be sure to express that love and respect you have told us you have for him.

Let him know you respect him and that his happiness is very important to you, tell him you are still very in-love with him, you are just feeling a little home-sick. Let him know you've been missing family, and you've been thinking how you want your children to be able to see grandma and grandpa and to have close relationships with their cousins (if any) as they are growing up, also for when you do have kids, it will be nice sending them to Grandmas so you two can have some alone time and date nights. Let him know it has been on your mind recently, and leave it at that for a while. 

Sometimes I have to count to 36 in my head after I tell Tim a few sentences about how I feel. It is hard for me, because I get nervous when I express a need and when there is a long silent pause I just spill out more words because I feel I wasn't understood. I have realized this overwhelms Tim because he takes a while to carefully turn thoughts over in his mind.


I feel that your love and care for him will be reflected by him back to you, and the more care and patience you have with him, (though not always immediately) the more he will want to love and bless you.


We are Christian, we have found these verses help us during disagreements:
For a successful marriage, determine to settle misunderstanding at once. 
"If you are angry, don't sin by nursing your grudge. Don't let the sun go down while you are still angry" Ephesians 4:26, TLB

"Be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other's faults because of your love. Try always to be led along together in unified spirit, and so be at peace with one another." Ephesians 4:2-3, TLB

Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.
--Ephesians 4:31, 32


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## Mrs. Knight (Jul 15, 2011)

ecwife said:


> The last couple responses were some hard ones to take. Mostly I have followed "Dr. Laura" type advice from what I've listened to in the past- which is very much about me supporting my man who is making the money and I provide a loving, receptive home for him. I can see how this may work out great, but she also talks about finding your purpose as a woman. I'm not with child right now and I have not been able to fully love where I am the past 4 years and am a little off track with my purpose at this point even with some volunteering that I've been trying to do regularly.
> I've had many discussions with my husband and frankly I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere because he even asks me, "what do you want to do", "how are we going to make as much or prepare for our children to come and retirement". When I stop and think about it, I feel like it is better financially to stay here but my heart says "who cares". I've beaten my heart back on regular occasions because it's not getting me anywhere. I've always had strong heart feelings about things ( I'm thinking that's a woman thing) but I try to act more with my head. Sometimes my husband compares me to a good friend of mine back in my home town who doesn't ever want to leave, so much so that she detracted her husband from going on to a well known, prestigious college and ultimately from completing college at all. I don't think of my husband as a selfish person, I just think it would take a strong confident push on my part to change this situation soon and, like I said, I don't know if the move will be bad for us. He's up for changing it in after 5 years or so, but meanwhile, I'm here and I feel like I'm moping but it's enough to make me cry sometimes whether I try to beat my heart down or not. Still, this is my life, the everyday - "day-to-day" experiences matter too, it's not all the big picture of life. You guys can tell me if you think I'm just a big baby or is this a valid push you would make if it was something you wanted. I feel like a defect of a wife. Oh, and I know I could get a good job on the west coast.



You are not a defect of a wife, I assure you. The way I see it is this:

*You are at a loss for what your purpose is.*
You think maybe being a mother, but that is not yet the case.

*you want to contribute to your marriage. *
But it is hard to compare with your husband financially.

*you want to be an important role that makes things "work" *
But you feel wanting to move would contradict your job to smooth the ripples and calm and care for your husbands life.

*You have tried volunteering*
I see that you want to contribute to the greater-good and an improved world.

What I see you needing is to feel complete, to know you are important (which you most certainly are), and to feel at home.

But you feel more like an unused spare tire, which you are not. 

People will mock me for my responses. They do not like to hear about Christ and God, but God sees your need and I am his and because I am his, I must serve you as best as I can. 

"Since you are God's dear children, you must try to be like him. Your life must be controlled by love, just as Christ loved us and gave his life for us." Ephesians 5:1-2

Ephesians 5 GNT - Living in the Light Since you are God's - Bible Gateway

There are many sites like this one below where you can find small pieces of The Good News.

Faith Building Bible Verses - Inspirational Bible Verses to Build Your Faith

For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline. 
2 Timothy 1:7

Jesus replied, "What is impossible with men is possible with God." 
Luke 18:27 

I can do everything through him who gives me strength(God). 
Philippians 4:13

Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take. 
Proverbs 3:5-6

If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. 
James 1:5 

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. 
Matthew 5:4

I will turn their mourning into joy and will comfort them and give them joy for their sorrow. 
Jeremiah 31:13

Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you. 
1 Peter 5:7


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## WcGirlEcWorld (Jul 26, 2011)

Interesting post. I understand and can empathize totally. I have been living on the East Coast for almost 10 years now and I'm still a West Coaster at heart. I find myself crying when we travel and land in California. I am drawn towards talking to people who understand exactly how I am feeling. I want to cry every single day because I live on the East Coast. I miss the Golden Coast! I initially thought I was sad because - 1. I had just gotten married 2. because I was a new mom 3. I was being unfair and annoying my husband, 4. I was being selfish....but now I know I am sad because I want to live in California. I am willing to give up all material comforts I have for the lifestyle, climate, and happiness the West coast brings to me. I wish someone could convince my husband to move (I sure can't).


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## ecwife (Jul 13, 2011)

I am definitely a westcoaster at heart too. I also have been known to try and find people who understand and miss the west coast as well. 
My husband knows where I want to be. He's listened to me complain about it for 3 and a half years. He wants to be where I am happy too, but financially, this is not our time to be in CA yet.
I have really tried to get out of the "grass is greener", "focusing on the negative" type of thoughts lately and find that I just need to make friends and get involved in my current location. It definitely helps me feel more sane and therefore my husband is happy to come home to me too.
I think I felt initially that if he hears me say it enough that he will know I am serious about where I want to get back to. This initial idea turned into a habit. I have told him, he knows, and we'll get there someday not in the too far off future.
One interesting concept I just read about that has helped me lately is that of procrastination/lack of motivation being a symptom of loneliness. Certain things I find entertaining or rewarding usually involve having someone else present who also is interested in the task. I have been inviting people to do things with me rather than going and doing it on my own or only doing things with my husband. I think this is one of the keys for me to get my motivation and life back.


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