# Feeling excluded by husband



## cavalierlady (Dec 1, 2017)

It's my first post here. 

My husband and I (we've been married a year and together for 7) both live abroad and our home city is about 8 hours away by flight. In October, I had to plan a urgent trip home for a week. I told him we could go together whenever is convenient for him. He had been talking about visiting so I invited him numerous times as I thought he'd like to go. He said he didn't want to go no matter what date I proposed.

When I returned from the trip, he said he was now planning his own trip home without me within the next month. I felt really excluded by the whole thing and confused. When I asked why he didn't want to go with me, he gave me multiple reasons, but I still got the feeling he was trying to get away from me.

I just got the feeling that he didn't want me around. 

I just can't help but feel really strange about the whole thing. We don't visit home very often and I just feel excluded now that he is there and I am here alone.

I just always imagined being a part of a new family once I got married since I have only my mom and 1 sister who is disabled and we do not speak to my father. (All grandparents have also passed on). I feel like I am not part of his family either.

Prior to this we have been having a lot of problems. He has become really cruel. For example; on our last trip I bought a yellow sweater which I really loved even though it was a bit quirky - it was really me. He told me it looked terrible and wouldn't walk down the street with me when I put it on. He literally stormed off. He also told me I don't dress sexy so I have thrown out all the clothes he hates and tried to buy new ones but I am a very terrible stylist. On the most recent trip he also slapped me very hard across the legs because I got the directions wrong. (It was really complicated driving... and I was trying my best.)

If we are ever fighting about something I can't say what I am feeling (or else he calls me crazy) and I have to just give in so I don't make him angrier. 

If he is not angry, he is totally checked out - on the computer, instagram, or watching a TV show.

He's never really boughten me a gift in 7 years together or planned any trip for us. I have to plan all the vacations for us and also anything we do around town like a show or outing. 

We just bought a home and he constantly says this is not what he imagined life being like. 

He has also become obsessive over his phone. We used to share passcodes and now he won't even let me change a song on his phone or look at a picture.

He is super excited to talk to friends on the phone, but typically doesn't even ask me how my day was after work.

If anyone else meets him, he is the nicest person in the world. Nobody sees how he is to me in private. 

I really just get the feeling he hates me and doesn't want me around. I haven't mentioned how I am feeling about the trip and am scared if I say what I feel when he gets back he'll be really mean to me. 

I am considering moving out before he returns home...just for a few weeks to get my head on straight. Any advice on what should I do?


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## KaraBoo0723 (Oct 1, 2016)

Get out now. Move when he’s away and don’t look back.


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

You said he is cruel to you, he struck your legs in anger. This is abusive behavior. You should move out as soon as possible and let him know why and let him know he would be better off and more happy without you around and also that he ought to seek professional therapy for his abusiveness.

You deserve better than a cruel and abusive husband, no one should have to live like that. Good luck.


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## trueblue2017 (Dec 1, 2017)

cavalierlady said:


> It's my first post here.
> 
> My husband and I (we've been married a year and together for 7) both live abroad and our home city is about 8 hours away by flight. In October, I had to plan a urgent trip home for a week. I told him we could go together whenever is convenient for him. He had been talking about visiting so I invited him numerous times as I thought he'd like to go. He said he didn't want to go no matter what date I proposed.
> 
> ...


Cavalierlady,

OMGosh honey, please, listen... The things you are describing - you are not "crazy" for feeling. All of the things you're feeling, they are very REAL. 

If you're feeling excluded, it's because he's excluded you. 
If you're feeling unsexy, it's because he told you so.
If you're feeling abused, it's because he put his hands on you in anger. 
If you're feeling inadequate, it's because he told you this isn't what he imagined his life like.
If you're feeling suspicious, it's because he's acting sneaky.
If you're feeling invisible, it's because he's ignoring you.

And, the saddest thing of all that I read:
You bought a quirky sweater that felt like "you" - and he refused to walk by you. You deserve someone who LOVES, ADORES, CELEBRATES and APPRECIATES your quirkiness AND your yellow sweater! You KEEP that damn sweater, and you wear it on your next fifth date. And the man who loves you in that sweater, loves the REAL YOU! 

Please, only so much can be conveyed here but - if the words you have said above are true - this man has SHOWED you AND TOLD YOU that he doesn't want to be with you. LEAVE NOW and find someone who not only will walk by you, but will walk WITH YOU THROUGH LIFE HAND IN HAND - regardless of what you're wearing!!! 

And, on another note, if you need any help on styling, please send me a message. I mean, it's great that you are quirky, and you can embrace that quirkiness while still feeling young and sexy, but styling is my forte and I could be very honest with you and help you with a current style for you that suits YOUR personality! Not for THIS GUY - but for YOURSELF!


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Once I read that he struck you that was enough.If anyone hits you,call the cops.And I mean anyone.


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## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

..


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Just to add one more voice - yes, get out.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

cavalierlady said:


> It's my first post here.
> 
> My husband and I (we've been married a year and together for 7) both live abroad and our home city is about 8 hours away by flight. In October, I had to plan a urgent trip home for a week. I told him we could go together whenever is convenient for him. He had been talking about visiting so I invited him numerous times as I thought he'd like to go. He said he didn't want to go no matter what date I proposed.
> 
> ...


Move out. Arrange to stay with family or a friend, and see if that wakes him up. Leave a note expressing your feelings about how things are going, but don't tell him where you're staying. If he doesn't come around, then grieve, and seek more permanent living arrangements.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Its hard to understand why you married this abusive, very controlling, mean and violent man after knowing him for so long. 
Its likely things will only get worse if you stay.


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## MidnightBlue (Nov 20, 2017)

Leave and make sure you’re wearing that quirky yellow sweater when you do it.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Oh sweetie, he hit you??? He's a cruel, abusive husband. You are in a domestic violence marriage.

Make the most of this opportunity while he's away to leave. Pack your stuff, book a flight home and go. If you've only recently bought the house there wouldn't be much equity at this point...let him have it. The most important thing is you.

Obviously if you put a significant part of the downpayment for the house you should try to get at least that back.


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## pajok.kong (Dec 4, 2017)

Time is now to move on.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I don't think that moving out for a few weeks to get your head straight is a good idea. Once you do that, it might be hard to get back in and get your stuff.

See a lawyer and file for divorce. Ask the lawyer about you moving out or getting sole use of the house. Maybe you could move and take all your thanks when you do move. Make sure you get copies of all legal and financial paperwork when you leave.

Do you have a job?


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## pragmaticGoddess (Nov 29, 2017)

Reading your post you say that you are feeling... and you really feel... Have you spoken to your husband about how you feel? It seems you’re guessing and you might be projecting your negative thoughts onto him?

I’ve been in a relationship the same amount of time as you have. It hasn’t always been a bed of roses, but we have improved. I can’t say I’m perfect, but looking back we both have the common goal of committing to make our marriage work.

Your husband sounds emotionally abusive. If you do move out you have to be clear on what you want to achieve? D or R? If it’s R? Do you go into IC or MC? And many months do you give it before going to D?

I think you both need professional help to iron out some issues or find a mature couple to mentor you both. 

Just my two cents


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

cavalierlady said:


> It's my first post here.
> He's never really boughten me a gift in 7 years together or planned any trip for us.


Seriously?!? I have to ask why did you marry him?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He hit you. And he controls what you wear.

No. Just... No!


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

How long will he be gone?

He's showing the tell tale signs of having an affair. Is this possible?

Pack your stuff and get out now. He's an abuser. It'll only get worse. Unfortunately, I speak from experience. I did it for 12 loooong years. It's not worth it. Leave now.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I also think you should move out, but permanently. Move out, and plan to never move back in. I'd recommend divorcing this person. This is an abusive, unhealthy connection.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Please get this book and read it as soon as possible. It will explain everything you aren't understanding.
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/why-does-he-do-that-lundy-bancroft/1102335902#/


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