# BS just left hoping to have a one night stand



## baddecisions (Nov 30, 2012)

WW here. Just needed a place to air things out a bit. We've been having a tough time due to my deceitful actions of having an affair. BS just left to find someone at a bar to sleep with. I obviously can't say anything to stop him but I'm wondering if we have lost any chances to reconcile. He still claims he wants us to be a family. I'm also terrified that he will drink because he has a major alcohol problem and has been sober a few weeks now. So I'm just laying here wondering how this night will end. Has any other BS had a revenge one night stand and how did that affect a reconciliation?

Thanks for listening.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Does your BH post here. What is his screen name?

RA's never fix anything and only make things worse.

Go to that bar and tell your BH that he knows first hand the pain caused by an affair. Please don't hurt me that way.

Or does BH have a good friend that will drag him out of the bar before things go south?


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## baddecisions (Nov 30, 2012)

BH is on this board too. He ended up going to a cigar bar and talking with some guys about our problems. I'm happy that he was able to feel better and that there was no RA. It shows me how hard he is trying to get thru this with me and how hurt he is. I really hate myself for what I did to him no matter how unhealthy our relationship had been. If I could only turn back time and make a better choice :/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

My neighbor ended the relationship and she confesed to out of anger for him , "hurting her". her own words.

He posted this in his own thread, quite a bitter pill for him to swallow if true.

(If I have the right poster)


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## baddecisions (Nov 30, 2012)

Wyshiknew - that is the right thread. I confessed because BH had quit drinking and I couldn't ask him to make changes while I was hiding something so deceitful. BS is very hurt and believes things which aren't true however the trust lost from my actions make it impossible for him to believe me at the moment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I don't understand how a cheater could have an attitude like please don't revenge affair me just because I cheated.

I think for me it would have to be I just couldn't get past the idea that they got to sample behind my back.

with that said I am not in this situation so I don't really know how I would respond to it.

I have read many accounts about how the revenge partner felt worse after. 

I think even if things get back to a normal relationship there would always be temptation. if the opprotunity arises it would be very difficult to resist.

what a mess.

hope things work out for you.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Baddecisions, what are your feelings for the OM now?


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## Cieran (Dec 2, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> I don't understand how a cheater could have an attitude like please don't revenge affair me just because I cheated.
> 
> I think for me it would have to be I just couldn't get past the idea that they got to sample behind my back.
> 
> ...


because 2 wrongs don't make a right.
oftentimes, the WS has plenty, although dysfunctional reasons about why they feel that way and why they cheated. i'm not saying it's right, i'm just saying they often times didn't really want to or know about ending up that way, I don't know if a BS understands or thinks at the time whether their actions would hurt the other person. whereas with a RA, you are outright just going out to f*ck someone else to hurt the other person.

considering how hard it is to patch things when one side has f*cked up and wrecked it.
with both sides wrecked, the chances of saving the marriage are basically zilch.

that said, if a BS did end up RA, nothing a WS should really say except stfu and grin and bear it, since they started it.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Baddecisions - did you use the term "hurting you" to describe how you felt whent he other man ended it?

If so....yikes.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Cieran said:


> because 2 wrongs don't make a right.
> oftentimes, the WS has plenty, although dysfunctional reasons about why they feel that way and why they cheated. i'm not saying it's right, i'm just saying they often times didn't really want to or know about ending up that way, I don't know if a BS understands or thinks at the time whether their actions would hurt the other person. whereas with a RA, you are outright just going out to f*ck someone else to hurt the other person.
> 
> considering how hard it is to patch things when one side has f*cked up and wrecked it.
> ...


Its not really two wrongs ....its more like one wrong behind someones back where the revenge f*ck is a punishment kinda like I'm doing this and if your here when I get back maybe we can straighten things out ....or not !!!!! don't really matter.

and yes its to hurt the person who hurt you an eye for an eye type of thing. a person who hurt you hoping you will never find out about it.

again I most likley woud be in the camp of whats good for the goose......

actually I think I would be in the camp of get the f out you flawed person.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

baddecisions said:


> WW here. Just needed a place to air things out a bit. We've been having a tough time due to my deceitful actions of having an affair. BS just left to find someone at a bar to sleep with. I obviously can't say anything to stop him but I'm wondering if we have lost any chances to reconcile. He still claims he wants us to be a family. I'm also terrified that he will drink because he has a major alcohol problem and has been sober a few weeks now. So I'm just laying here wondering how this night will end. Has any other BS had a revenge one night stand and how did that affect a reconciliation?
> 
> Thanks for listening.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Revenge affairs are not a good idea.

Nevertheless, if he engages in one, you would be best off forgiving him and dropping it. 

After all you are asking him to forgive you, right?

Also, a revenge affair is often a test of YOUR love and committment rather than an eye for an eye issue. 

He's saying I love you enough to take you back after your affair. Do you love me as much. 

If you want your marriage to work. Forgive him for his ONS and just be glad it is not a LTA.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Under no circumstance take his revenge affair lightly. He will be JUST as guilty as you. Even though you may have brought him up to the occasion yet in the end he is the one that decides as one always has the power of decision. No one is forced to do ANYTHING they do not want to except for death if it is forced upon for not doing something you do not want to. 

Anyway, revenge affairs are destruction upon chaos. They do not help, it hurt your husband more ontop of the betrayal that you served him. I hope you both can really sit down and realize how much hurt you have caused to yourselves and more especially to each other. You need to get rid of the ME and think more of the YOU. Don't live for yourself, live for your spouse, you are nothing, your spouse is everything. Think twice before you speak, think thrice before you act and not temporally but far into the future. 

If we really thought out our actions deep into the future we wouldn't do more than half the crap we really do, I say this as a hypocrite.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I'm kind of with Chillymorn here. I feel like she "deserves" to be on the receiving end of some pain for a while.


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## Lordhavok (Mar 14, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I'm kind of with Chillymorn here. I feel like she "deserves" to be on the receiving end of some pain for a while.


I agree, and a revenge ons is going to cause him hurt as well? The way I see it, he's owed a shot of strange, she should answer for that as well, this is all on her for cheating anyway.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

My wife had an affair. And I stupidly fell into having what I now realise was a revenge affair.

Guess which hurt me the most? My wife's affair or mine? Mine, oddly enough. It nearly destroyed me.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Sort of like when I spank my kids....

"this is going to hurt me more than it hurts you". Which may be true. But the punishment is still necessary.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Of course the other problem with a revenge affair is that unless the issue is fully ok with the revenge affair partner, they can get hurt too. So you end up with three people hurting.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

WyshIknew said:


> Of course the other problem with a revenge affair is that unless the issue is fully ok with the revenge affair partner, they can get hurt too. So you end up with three people hurting.


Yes. And all these years later, that still makes me feel ashamed.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Yes. And all these years later, that still makes me feel ashamed.


Crap!

Sorry about that, wasn't a dig dude.

But at least you have first hand experience with this and can advise accordingly.


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## InFlux (Oct 30, 2011)

Not that I'm condoning it, but psychologically oftentimes a RA is because the betrayed partner feels emasculated/unwomanly. The RA is confirmation for the betrayed that someone else can/does desire them. They are often told by the wayward, before the affairs, that they're broken, unworthy, and/or incapable of love. These are, of course, lies told by the wayward, for the wayward, to justify the affair to themselves. But the damage is often crippling to the betrayed. They are often left so alone and broken that the attention paid to them in a RA seems like a gift from above. Again, not condoning it, but I understand it....


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## baddecisions (Nov 30, 2012)

Someone asked how I feel now about OM. I don't feel anything because in my eyes he no longer exists. All i care about is BH and his feelings. If he did have a revenge affair i would forgive him because I caused this all. I just think it would complicate the R. Just taking things day by day. Today he no longer wants to R and he wants me to die a slow death. Hoping tomorrow we will be back to R. Thanks for listening and giving your thoughts. It means a lot to express my feeling even though I'm the WW who caused all these problems.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DevastatedDad (Oct 2, 2012)

Ok, I have gotten p1ssed at one poster tonight, I will reassure you.

Questions:
How long ago was the affiar?, how long did it last?, how long ago did you tell your spouse about it?

Thoughts
Be ready to watch the worst emotional roller coaster you have ever seen. I have been on mine for 6 months now

Be ready to give EVERY detail asked. DO NOT HOLD BACK ANYTHING FOR FEAR OF HURTING HIM WITH MORE DETAILS

Go a step further and volunteer info. Go to him (not today but when he starts asking) Tell him "Look, I am an open book I will be as honest as you want me to be I will tell you everything from the moment it went from point a to b to c, etc

Offer to write out a timeline

Get yourself an appt with an IC and start going regularly
Tell him you are going to go to counseling and figure out why you were able to do this and need to change

Give him passwords to computer, phone, email. Even if he is not talking to you. Write a note and leave it out for him stating that here are the passwords to everything.

Write a NC letter, ask him if he wants to read it or even deliver it to OM

There is a lot you need to do and more you need to come up with on your own. Point is there may be hope but you have to be prepared to live in hell while he bounces back and forth. 

Maybe he won't. Maybe he is done for good. I went from days where I was madly in love w/ my wife to days where I couldn't get out of bed and was trying to think of the least painful way to end my life.

Read my story and you can see the roller coaster to some extent.
Worst Day of My life


I assume this is very fresh and I know nothing about the two of you but based on what I have just gone through, be prepared to be called terrible things, kicked out of the house, given a polygraph, intentionally hurt, and passive aggressively hurt by your husband. Get ready for hell because that's where he is right now.

You won't realize for awhile just how bad this is for him. I think it takes awhile of seeing him to really get it.

feel free to PM me with questions. I feel like My WW and I are getting back to a comfortable spot (both on anti depressants and in LOTS of therapy) but we have both been to hell and back to get this far and we are just at the very beginning.

I am always nervous that my posts come off as high and mighty or something. Please don't assume I am trying to tell you how it is going to be. I am no therapist. I am just recently scarred the same way your BH is and so a lot of what he might be feeling is fresh on my mind. I hope all WW can figure out how to not ever do that again and BH can believe that they won't.

P.S.
I badly wanted to have a revenge affair. I tried multiple avenues but there is no way I could do it. I hope the same is true for your BH.


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## DevastatedDad (Oct 2, 2012)

one more thing. I have always been a beer drinker, brewer, etc. I have definitely raised the bar on my ability to put this stuff away. Currently enjoying my Rogue Dead Guy Ale. 

Prepare for that as well. I was alone putting away a half a bottle of gin down a night for the first 2 months and waking up on the floor. It was the only way to numb it. Problem is now my habit is worse than prior to the whole situation and will need to be addressed. Done with liquor and back to microbrews but about twice as many per week now than before this all happened.

Okay, sorry for jacking your thread to talk about me. hopefully somewhere in all of that there is something that can help you when you see something scary in your BH in the coming weeks.


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## DevastatedDad (Oct 2, 2012)

BD, how are you doing?
How is your BH? Hopefully he didnt have the RA

Keep us posted


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## Crashandburn (Dec 11, 2012)

I have to say as someone that was cheated on I gave it a thought out of anger. I hope he comes to the thought I did and all it will do is cause himself more pain and it will HELP NOTHING. To me, my wife didn't wake up and say I am going to go out and hurt my husband today. If I would have gone out and done that I would have been saying I am going to hurt my wife. I am better then that.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

One of the first things I said, after not being able to speak for 4 days after dday (from screaming at the very top of my lungs till nothing more would come out) was "I am going to have to go out now if I will ever be able to forgive you".

She said "okay"

I am SO FREAKING GLAD THAT I NEVER DID.

But I totally understand the feeling. 

It does not help, it makes everything worse.


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## baddecisions (Nov 30, 2012)

Thanks to everyone who has been listening to me. Things aren't going well. I don't think he had a ONS that night but he is an alcoholic and has been gone for a few days partying with younger people. This is the exact behavior that caused so many roblems in the first place. I don't think we are in a place to ever R. If he plans to remain an alcoholic and do nothing to change that, it's best for the kids and I to stay away. I was hoping things would be different however this is a result of what I did to him. I can't go back to life with an alcoholic. He was sober for 3 weeks and it was great while it lasted. This is what I caused so this is what I must accept. I really appreciate u all listening to me even though I'm WW. Thanks
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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