# Don't know where to turn to......



## Peaches1 (Nov 15, 2010)

We have been married for 9 years, know each other for about 11 years. We have two children (not his) from my first marriage. He is younger than I am and I know that should not make a difference but it seems now that it has. We moved and uprooted our children 6 years ago to follow his whim that he wanted to go and live in Europe, left behind our homes, friends and family and moved. We have been fighting for the past 5 years on and off. When he wants to go out, he does. When we all have to budget and pull the purse strings tight, he does not. He gets into these moods for weeks on end where he is depressed and the whole world is one ugly place.

I have been attending therapy for 5 years for some traumatic events that happened in my childhood and previous marriage. I admit that they have changed me in some way but those changes were for the better. All he wants to do is play online friends with his friends, go out drinking with his friends, spend nights at his friends. When I get angry he tells me that he does not want to be tied down and put in the husband "box". Every single time we argue he is the one who says that he wants a divorce or wants to move out and we can still be "lovers"!!!

A few days ago we got into an argument (he spent days trying to pick a fight and I eventually gave in) and told me that he wants a divorce. I am a little torn as there are people who say that this being my second marriage is not good. I cannot live with a child anymore! We cannot have an adult conversation, when I try and talk to him about my point of view I am always wrong and he is always right. I am not saying that I am a perfect wife but I am so tired of being told "I don't need you or want you, you are here by my kind grace"!!! I, in a perverse sort of way am looking forward to him leaving but then I am left feeling that after all the effort, patience and hard work I have put into our marriage and he cannot just act like an adult just once


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## lovelieswithin (Apr 29, 2010)

Sorry Peaches - 
You have made some serious sacrifices for this guy and it really sounds like the respect and love is drained from the marriage on his side of the fence. Once respect is gone, along with it goes appreciation and admiration - two elements that are key in a happy, healthy marriage I believe. 
All of the signs are there sweety, his heart has moved on and if he is still willing to be intimate with you then the relationship has shifted into a physical one - which is fine for some people but it sounds like you're missing that emotional connection and support. It's not neccesarily a maturity factor, it just might be his unhappiness that is making him act out the way he is. He's got resentment issues built up and if he hasn't been clear with you on what those are, how are you supposed to fix them? 
I would suggest a last ditch effort conversation with this man and try to keep it as civil and "real" as possible to help you two figure out if there is any point in trying to salvage the marriage and if he is willing to practice forgiveness/openess about what's bothering him about you. If they are aspects that you cannot change because they are a part of who you are (or vice versa) then call a spade a spade and agree that you're just two different people with two different sets of needs that cannot fulfill one another. 
Now, you can look at it two ways: If he is willing to fix things and stop dangling divorce over your head, then at least you will have a chance at repairing and gaining back all of that hard work you have already invested. If you two call it quits, at least you will gain back your "home" by being able to move back and reconnect with family & friends you left behind for this guy. 
You both have a right to be happy - especially if you were the victim of serious trauma in your past. Playing head games and threatening divorce can quickly turn into emotional abuse so if he wants to fly that bad - let him go honey! You deserve to be happy and have someone who mutually is concerned about your well being because it sounds like this guy isn't and has forgotten how much you have given. 
Best wishes to you! Everything is going to be ok as long as you don't forget to be nice to yourself and look out for YOUR best interest and that of your children. You've offered up your love to this guy and he isn't gratefully taking it.


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## Peaches1 (Nov 15, 2010)

Thank you lovelieswithin for your kind words and advice. I have tried many, many times after taking advice from my therapist, to sit down and talk about what is bothering him, why he feels the way he does, to no avail. You are right that he wants to fly and perhaps it is time for me to open his cage door and let him go.

I dread having an argument or even a confrontation with him as I know that the big D word is going to come back. I think it is perhaps time for me to start worrying about myself and looking after myself. I try very hard to be the best parent I can as I did not have a great childhood, I always put my children first and it seems that he may not like this too much either. Your words have offered me a great deal of comfort and have given me food for thought. I am a little afraid of what the future holds but I know that I can face anything that may challenge me.


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## Peaches1 (Nov 15, 2010)

Today I just can't stop crying! We had a major fight on Monday night that went on until 5am! He said that he wants this divorce, he wants to live on his own, go out with his friends, play computer games and be his own boss. He says that he is "distancing" himself from me so that it will not hurt him so much. He keeps throwing all the things I said when I was upset in my face with a new twist, his! I cannot go on like this, I wish I could just end the pain that I am feeling...............


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## Applepies (Nov 14, 2010)

:hugs This isn't about you, hold on to that!! Your dh has some serious issues, he is selfish, unkind and irrational. You can't change him, you can be concerned with you and your children. Try to focus on a plan, can your family help you to get back home? Or are you able to financially stay in the town you are in?

My dh is the same, he just doesn't care what I think or how I feel. If I have a complaint about something, he will throw something out there too, from previous times. That going on the defensive instead of just plain listening, arrgh. It's all about him. Ok, he can have that. If he isn't going to worry about me, then I'm going to focus on what I have to do to make a living for myself and my little girl. The kids are what matter most when everything is falling apart. You being in a safe place with your babies.

Remember, God loves you beyond comprehension, He sees what's going on, He wants peace for you and He will help be a Father to your children. You are not alone. You are very much loved. Don't give up hope, it is going to work out. You will not feel like this forever, I promise. :hug


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## Peaches1 (Nov 15, 2010)

Thank you Applepies, I am financially secure enough to stay in this country. My son is in secondary school so I do not want to disrupt his schooling as he loves the school he is in. I just wish I would stop feeling like I am on a roller-coaster. I don't want to end up hating him but he is making it so difficult to even talk to him. As lovelieswithin said previously he wants his cake and he wants to eat it. I wish I could cut my heart out just to stop feeling this way.


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## Applepies (Nov 14, 2010)

Unfortunately, often it's after we've moved on they realize what a jerk they've been. We go through the hard work of moving on, putting the pieces together, feeling pretty good and then they show up. A little late.

That's wonderful you can stay and keep your son in his school that he likes.

Is your dh willing to move out? Would it be better for you to find a place? What would work best for you?

You know sometimes people love us, sometimes they don't but that doesn't change who you essentially are, someone worthy and deserving of love and respect. Not this treatment that is causing you so much grief. Take care of you right now. :hug


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## Quantumfilament (Oct 30, 2010)

Your story has a familiar ring to it. When my wife and i used to argue early in the marriage I was utterly shocked the first time to hear her use the D word, that was about 6 years ago and now we are separating, the full story is on my post, I should have realised back then that for her to even bring up the D word she couldn't have really loved me in the same way I loved her. For me divorce is spoken of only when you actually plan to do it, not as a stick to beat you with time and again. 

It is time to stop being beaten by that stick and move on with your life. I have recently discovered the 180 which you can read about here: Marriage Builders® Discussion Forums: Divorce busting 180 degree list

Not all of it may apply but some will and by using this method you can reduce the arguments to zero and gain back some self respect and strength. Take control of the only thing you can control, yourself, make a plan to move on with your life and gradually this jerk will see you in a new light. He will either want to get back on board, in which case it will be on your terms, or he will go and by then you will be ready to move on because you will have adopted a mental strategy to help you cope. Do not cry about this any longer. Focus on your children and your own personal happiness by planning how you will live without him, meet new people, join a club, start a hobby, be different, you will feel different and empowered to be the person you want to be.

Good luck


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