# Day to day baby steps.... Feedback encouraged.



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

The post “Do you think OM/OW was an upgrade or downgrade?” from Bandit is the reason why I decided to write this post. 
When I read the post from Bandit I really had to think hard about it because I can’t really say for sure if I upgraded or downgraded……. But it brought me to what I did in counseling yesterday morning and I would like to share because I feel like it like it is a great building block for moving forward. 

Background for yesterday’s session: Still NC with the OM but I can’t get him out of my head. I am constantly feeling guilt-ridden because I can’t stop thinking about this person. Nights are the worst when I am lying down next to my H! Currently I am working on directing my thought process by picturing a stop sign every time I think about this person. I guess it works a bit. I just keep telling myself that I have to remain patient because time will help these thoughts/feelings fade away. I told my MC all of this so she decided we needed to do a little activity where I wrote down what I would I would be losing versus gaining if I stopped thinking about the OM versus if I didn't stop about the OM, plus we wrote down any red flags (negative traits) I noticed about the OM. 

It went kind of like this:
*What would I be gaining if over time I were able to stop thinking about the OM: *
1.	Peace of mind because I would know whatever happens that I did it the right way and with a clear head… (Not in a fog due to the OM). 
2.	Possible R with H. 
3.	Personal integrity and strength
4.	No guilt or confusion.

*What would I be losing if over time I were able to stop thinking about the OM: *
1.	Other than the hope or feelings that there is someone out there that may actually be my “soul mate” which the probability of that is most likely zilch, than I can honestly say that I wouldn’t be losing anything by not thinking about this person. 


*Red flags/negative traits: *1.	He takes several different upper/downer medications for depression which goes in hand with seeing an IC once a week. Uppers in the morning, followed by sine type of anti-anxiety or downers after lunch, and sleeping pills at night. (Deep issues there!)
2.	He uses marijuana daily for medical reasons. 
3.	He is bad at managing money.
4.	He continued an intimate relationship with a married woman while acknowledging that it is morally wrong. 
5.	He lets people walk all over him without care. 

*Sure sounds like a downgrade after that activity!!!!!!! :scratchhead:*

Of course this activity helped me to think about this person at that moment, but overall I think it was useful to show me what I really would not be missing by NC with this person. 

So I guess why it was so difficult for me to say if it was an upgrade or downgrade is because the emotions and feelings that were involved with this other person did not happen because of those obvious traits. Hence the word EA, the affair was very mental and emotional. An addiction that I couldn’t kick is pretty much the only way I can explain it. Physical appearance didn’t really play a huge part either because he is clearly not as good looking as my H in anyway. It’s just that when I looked at this person, I felt like I was looking very deeply… more deeply than I have ever experienced. When people on here talk about the chemicals involved in an EA and PA than it makes sense as to why I felt like I was looking so “deeply” I guess…. If that makes any sense.

It blows my mind to think that everything involved in affair can really just boil down to chemicals and your mind tricking you. 
How incredible harsh. 

So as for my H and I we are just taking baby steps. I don’t know what is going to happen (R or D) in the end but I have hope that with time my feelings will change and my thoughts will only be consumed by my H. 

I understand that this forum is primarily for betrayed spouses and I definitely felt that when I first posted my story here about a week ago (under Stephanie Anne…. changed username for specific reasons) by the intense; sometimes harsh comments although very deserved…. So I *thank you *for taking your time to read and respond. I have to say that I did get some very intriguing and helpful advice that I am very *thankful* for as well.

If you would like the background of my situation I am including the link to my 1st post under this username which I wrote after my 1st post under Stephanie Anne. There isn’t a whole lot of detail about the affair which I had in the previous (deleted) post… nevertheless I feel like it expresses pretty well what is going on. 

I guess this post is more of a “just thinking” post rather than a question; however I welcome advice/opinions/any help you may be able to send my way….. Considering that I am still working very diligently to not think about the OM and to work on myself and my marriage.


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...t-love-need-help-long-background-reading.html


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I feel bad for your husband, that he has to wait on you to figure all this out. I see in you extreme low self esteem, else why would you latch on so hard to such a loser as the OM. And "soul mate"? Please.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## JustWaiting (Jun 28, 2011)

Thank you for this post.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Sounds like you have a wise counselor. Have you taken all of the steps to help your husband to heal? NC letter, transparency, answering all of his questions? 

It does take a long time to recover from infidelity, I have read 2-5 years. I'm glad that you can take an honest look at what you did and are trying to see the reality of the OM.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Forgive my harshness. Keep going forward the way you are Hunger. At the very least you will purge this worthless marriage trasher out of your life, even if in the end it does not work out with your husband.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## mychoice (Mar 31, 2012)

Sadly, I have one just like you. So many years of apathy. If I could just go back and disconnect myself from such a cold and timid soul I would in a heartbeat. In fact, after 40 years…it will happen. This time, on my terms.

As terrible as it sounds you really need to do your husband a favor and let him go to live his life with someone who can feel passion for him. He obviously was having problems with your disconnect long before your transgressions otherwise he'd have likely kept his libido at a normal level. I mean, come on, who wants to make love to someone who clearly could do without? It's no fun being with someone to service "myself". Some men are actually deep enough to care about the response of their wives, and then, when she shows signs of losing whatever passion was present, he is caught in an impossible situation. Does he leave for his own well being? Does he stay because this really shouldn't matter?

Then he finds out this frigid woman does indeed have passion..."just not for me". Do I run? Do I believe this is the person I "thought" I knew? Do I truly believe she will be a good girl now? Do I cut my losses?

Without even being able to address those issues he's thrust into trying to save this apathetic "wife". Efforting to salvage HIS love. Even now you're indignant, self absorbed, totally self centered and consumed by only one thing...what YOU want. Honestly, I'm not surprised. You've had it all your way and you've grown to expect it. 

When his confidence returns there WILL be retribution. That you could hold him as your cuckold...that you could easily, and even without any true remorse, take advantage of his exemplary grace. That you easily took him for granted. That it all was so easily justified. It may take years but spears to a giver's heart do not resolve so easily.

One day he will see you for what you are. As my Father always said; Son, there are two kinds of people in this world...the givers and the takers. You've clearly drawn the line of who you are. Now he's faced with years of doubt, clouded by his own love for you, trying to see the truth of who he is actually with.

You speak of the fine husband he is, well, I guarantee you he doesn't feel that way now. True efforts to reconcile usually find the couple in HB (hysterical bonding). If he's done even one bit of research he can see where you are. In contact with your lover, or not, you are NOT with your husband. He can fool himself for awhile but that too will end. I hope for his sake much sooner than later.

To do this in such a young marriage is absolutely unconscionable. The truth is you don't love your husband. If you did you just could not find your way to this outcome. You'd have sought another way and if that didn't work you'd have left him with some degree of dignity. I'd suspect what you really love is being the wife of a good man...husband...provider...and possibly a father. It's the idea you're in love with, surely not he as a human being. Love begins with respect and trust. It's the only way it is sustained as well.

As for your current behavior and perspective...keep it up! It will just teach him what he really has all the more quickly.

It's just so very sad how people treat those they profess to "love". It's clear that so many don't even have a clue of what love is. When you'll die for another, then you'll know you're with the right person. If you cannot find someone you feel this way about...it's not they who are incapable...it's you. Until then, you're only with someone to keep you company while "YOU'RE" on your life's journey. Too bad he's not really part of it...it could be so rewarding for both of you.

Good luck...you'll need it.


----------



## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

Affairs are interactive fantasies. In an affair fog, one can justify and rationalize anything because the truth is....what you're experiencing in that affair isn't real. It's pretty easy to get addicted to the idea of something. Like any other kind of addiction, it's an easy escape. If you think this loser you were with is your "soul mate", then what kind of soul do you have? I'm not saying this to put you down, but to get you to think a little logically about your situation and wake up out of the fog you are still in.

You are not in love with OM, just in love with the idea of being with a "soul mate" and he is nothing but a symbol or a face to associate with that fantasy; that it is illicit makes it so much more tantalizing to you. If you want to salvage something real, then get out of your fantasy land and try to connect with your H for real. You're treating him like crap; how would you like it if your H was only with you because he felt like he was stuck with you? Wouldn't feel too good, would it?

You don't even see what a gift he's giving you with a second chance. You discarded something very real for some cheap thrills based on nothing but an idea in your head about what you think you deserve or want for yourself. Face it. Own it. Recognize the gravity of your offense. You are very lucky that he is willing to give you another chance and yet you're still moping that you can't have your cake and eat it, too. You are ungrateful. That is something you need to see about yourself. 

If you want to get over this thing you did, figure out why you did it. If you're damaged and were drawn to him for his damage, then the message to take is that it's time to fix yourself. It doesn't sound like you want to be with your H, just like you're trying to fix things because you got caught cheating. Don't avoid your problems by just fixating on losing the loser you hooked up with, but face the real issues that you're avoiding in your life. Be honest with yourself about what you want and what you can actually offer your H who is a saint for putting up with an apathetic wayward wife; he deserves better, but he's choosing to give you a chance to prove that you are worth the risk a second time.

You're not a bad person; you just screwed up. People screw up. But, try to stop dwelling on fantasy and deal with the reality of your situation. It will help you.


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Sorry if you may find this harsh but...

How about when you think about the OM, instead of a stop sign you picture the OM driving a bayonet through your husband's chest piercing his heart? How can you even think about the OM without feeling revulsion? He helped destroy the man you pledged your life to. The man that pledge his entire being to you. The man that would have thrown himself into a raging inferno to save you. How can you not hate the OM for what he has done to you and your husband? He used you and threw you away like a tampon. And he stepped on your husband like a c0ckroach. This man deserves nothing but your contempt. In all your posts you keep saying how remorseful you are and that you love your husband. If that were true then not thinking about the OM wouldn't be that difficult.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Desert-rose you knocked it out of the park. Dead on!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

The majority of the time cheating spouse always affair down think of it this way 
Your withsomeone who has no ethics or morals and is willingbto be withand play 
A married woman the vast times these guys go for women that are married is because 
They are easy pickings you ever watxch a show like natl geographic when lions are huntinh gazelles they always chose the most vulanerable of the back the grass is never greenier
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Hunger said:


> *Red flags/negative traits: *1.	He takes several different upper/downer medications for depression which goes in hand with seeing an IC once a week. Uppers in the morning, followed by sine type of anti-anxiety or downers after lunch, and sleeping pills at night. (Deep issues there!)
> 2.	He uses marijuana daily for medical reasons.
> 3.	He is bad at managing money.
> 4.	He continued an intimate relationship with a married woman while acknowledging that it is morally wrong.
> ...



It sure is.

It's possible that even if you had chosen to leave your husband for the OM, that eventually you'd find yourself in the same situation once the two of you were living in a committed relationship. Have you thought about that?


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> I feel bad for your husband, that he has to wait on you to figure all this out. I see in you extreme low self esteem, else why would you latch on so hard to such a loser as the OM. And "soul mate"? Please.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don’t see this man as a “soul mate”. That is not what I meant at all. Honestly I don’t know what I meant about that… but know I don’t see the OM as a possible soul mate. I feel like the OM stimulated me in a different way than my husband ever has which was a huge attraction. My husband is… how do I put it…. Pretty simple. He is very street smart and incredibly hard worker; however he is not the type to have a deep intellectual conversation with. Hell if you want to talk about fishing and hunting than he can tell you everything you need to know… which of course not a bad thing. I just know that is what made the connection with the OM so different and strong. That is something I have come to realize through counseling that I miss in the relationship with my husband. Definitely something we can work on. 

I feel bad for my Husband as well. I agree self-esteem has been an issue for a while. I am working on self-esteem issues in counseling.


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

lovesherman said:


> Sounds like you have a wise counselor. Have you taken all of the steps to help your husband to heal? NC letter, transparency, answering all of his questions?
> 
> It does take a long time to recover from infidelity, I have read 2-5 years. I'm glad that you can take an honest look at what you did and are trying to see the reality of the OM.


NC Letter- Check
Transparency- Check
Answering questions daily- Check 

I understand that recovery from infidelity can take years. Right now I can’t think about that…. We are just surviving day by day first. 

Thank you for your input.


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Forgive my harshness. Keep going forward the way you are Hunger. At the very least you will purge this worthless marriage trasher out of your life, even if in the end it does not work out with your husband.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am okay with harshness. No need to apologize. That is why I am here. To receive advice and learn from people who have similar experiences. 

Yes, I feel much better not have the OM in my life and slowly getting out of my thoughts. At least I know that no matter what happens in the future that I did it the right way for my husband and I. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I did it any other way.

As for my husband and I, it’s been probably a week or so since I posted this, and we are still moving slowly. Last night was a feeling discouraged night but it comes and goes. I am still having a hard time feeling intimate love for my husband but I do enjoy spending time with him. We have been doing a lot of things together when we are not working. Just trying to re-bond. He still wants to hold, kiss, and cuddle me constantly; and I still feel like I have a wall up. I am trying though. Although I don’t feel the need for his love and affection towards me I still will cuddle with him on the couch and act like I do. I hope with time these actions will help me to feel more. Some days I feel guilty being in comfortable in our home and acting like normal when I know that in my heart I am not fully there like he is. I wish I could explain the feelings. It’s as if I feel like I don’t belong anymore, but again….I am trying for us. 

I don’t get frustrated easily anymore which I feel like I was doing a lot in the beginning; however I was also keeping little contact with the OM so that was probably my guilty conscious getting angry and frustrated when my husband was reaching out. I also find myself being more patient and loving towards my husband although I don’t know what is going to happen. We are still going to MC twice a week and communicating a lot every night. 

Currently I am working on the work book for the book “Love is a choice” and it is really helping me to notice patterns in my relationships. I have no doubt that my husband and I both came into our marriage as co-dependents so learning about co-dependency is really helping me to understand a lot. I am just reading a lot and trying to fix me and us at the same time. Still having hope.


----------



## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Hunger, life is short. And right now, you are wasting two peoples' time. Yours, and the poor fellow who happens to be your husband.

You're married to a hard working guy. For your own reasons, you decided that your path to happiness involved having relations with a drug-using, dope smoking, financially challenged womanizer.

Because you don't truly value your husband.

Hell, in your introductory post here, you discuss the details of your recent MC session, where you spent the session talking about......

the boyfriend.

You have every right to make your own choices and live the life that results from them, and more power to you.

What will make you a bad person is choosing to harm other people. That's what you're doing right now, every day. You have a decent, imperfect man who is your husband. And you are torturing him, daily.

And why? Not because you love him- if you loved him, druggie boy wouldn't have gotten in your pants. You don't even find your husband attractive right now. You have no deep feelings for him at all.

You are doing this because you just don't want to feel bad about your own choices.

"At least I know that no matter what happens in the future that I did it the right way for my husband and I. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I did it any other way."

No, you're just doing it the way to salve your own feelings. 

Let's go back to the part in your posts on this thread where you come right out and say 

"I LOVE MY HUSBAND."



Oh, wait. You haven't said that.

Lady, you're wasting your time. Its your time to waste. But you are also wasting the time of someone who cares about you a lot more than you care about them. 

That's seriously bad karma. You should think about doing the right thing for him by cutting him loose, and giving him a chance to find someone who likes him so much that she'll have sex only with him.


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Hunger~

I think you're on the right path. I know I had a lot of trouble stopping the "thinking of the OM" too because it was frankly...such a habit! But like any habit, you can change it. What I did was every time I thought of the OM, I envisioned the stopsign too:







Next, every time OM popped in my head, I tried to change it to a positive thought about Dear Hubby. In addition I tried to put as much effort into Dear Hubby as I had into OM (such as thinking of poems or doing ecards, etc.). My thought at the time was that I spent a lot of time doing stuff to keep that feeling going--maybe if I put EQUAL time into getting THIS feeling going, it would get going too. 

Finally, like you I did stuff with Dear Hubby that we just both enjoyed doing. For example, no grand, romantic rendezvous in an isolated mountain cabin (because then it would feel like pressure to feel what I just didn't feel yet), but rather we went to car shows. We read books out loud together. We went to the bookstore and the handmade soap store and out to coffee. At home, after work, we did stuff together--cooked and watched movies we both liked. Gradually I really got to just LIKE the guy a LOT... and it didn't take much! In real life, my Dear Hubby is an AMAZING person whom I adore and to get feelings back for him was pretty easy. But I did have to invest in it. 

So in summary: Change thoughts of OM to STOP! Change the STOP to a positive thought about your hubby. In other words, purposefully change your thoughts (and when a negative though about hubby sneaks in there...think STOP too!!). Next, do things that are fun together, so that your memories of your hubby are "oh we did this and this and this together and I enjoyed his company" rather than "he did that and that and that which made me mad and I felt hurt and did not even want to be with him". 

Between those two--changing your thoughts and enjoying time with him--you will have the kindling and the flame to reignite that blaze of passion.


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

mychoice said:


> Sadly, I have one just like you. So many years of apathy. If I could just go back and disconnect myself from such a cold and timid soul I would in a heartbeat. In fact, after 40 years…it will happen. This time, on my terms.
> 
> 
> *You mean your wife/husband is just like me???*
> ...


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

desert-rose said:


> Affairs are interactive fantasies. In an affair fog, one can justify and rationalize anything because the truth is....what you're experiencing in that affair isn't real. It's pretty easy to get addicted to the idea of something. Like any other kind of addiction, it's an easy escape. If you think this loser you were with is your "soul mate", then what kind of soul do you have? I'm not saying this to put you down, but to get you to think a little logically about your situation and wake up out of the fog you are still in.
> 
> *Yup, affairs are definitely fantasies and fantasies alone. It is amazing how someone can get soooo wrapped up in something that isn’t real. I felt like the OM was a drug and that is exactly what it was. I felt an intense high when I spoke to him. I know now it’s because it was so wrong and I knew it. I don’t think he is my soul mate. I know it isn’t and never was real. I find it very helpful to learn about all of this because than I know that it was simply my mind tricking me. *
> You are not in love with OM, just in love with the idea of being with a "soul mate" and he is nothing but a symbol or a face to associate with that fantasy; that it is illicit makes it so much more tantalizing to you. If you want to salvage something real, then get out of your fantasy land and try to connect with your H for real. You're treating him like crap; how would you like it if your H was only with you because he felt like he was stuck with you? Wouldn't feel too good, would it?
> ...


----------



## [email protected] (Dec 18, 2011)

What do you mean by lack of experience? was he a virgin when u married him and you had many ?


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> Sorry if you may find this harsh but...
> 
> How about when you think about the OM, instead of a stop sign you picture the OM driving a bayonet through your husband's chest piercing his heart? How can you even think about the OM without feeling revulsion? He helped destroy the man you pledged your life to. The man that pledge his entire being to you. The man that would have thrown himself into a raging inferno to save you. How can you not hate the OM for what he has done to you and your husband? He used you and threw you away like a tampon. And he stepped on your husband like a c0ckroach. This man deserves nothing but your contempt. In all your posts you keep saying how remorseful you are and that you love your husband. If that were true then not thinking about the OM wouldn't be that difficult.


*I don’t know how I can think about the OM and not be repulsed. I should. I guess it’s because I was the one doing the reaching out. Not the OM. Certainty he could have ignored my phone calls, but he made a choice not to and that was wrong of him. I purposely continued to pursue this man although I knew how it was affecting my marriage and my love for my husband. I was addicted and wanted more and more. There are no excuses….. I can just say how it was. I don’t see it as the OM using me and throwing me away…. I hunted him and let him go once I grasped wtf I was doing to my marriage, love for my husband, and my own sanity. I feel like I was acting like someone I am not and it was killing me. I was always the one that said I could never have an affair and look at me now. I don’t think anyone should every say that. Affairs are such an ugly creature. 

It’s been about a week since this post and I have been meaning to get back but work has been SUPER busy. I can say now that I don’t think about the OM as much as I did before. I think about the intense feelings I had for someone/something that wasn’t real but other than that I don’t think too much about him… and I am beginning to feel happier with how I am approaching everything. I am still spending as much time as I can with my husband but I still feel like same as I did a week ago. We are being very patient.*


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

morituri said:


> It sure is.
> 
> It's possible that even if you had chosen to leave your husband for the OM, that eventually you'd find yourself in the same situation once the two of you were living in a committed relationship. Have you thought about that?


*I would never leave my husband’s arms for another man’s arms but for hypothetically thinking... YES it is a fact that this would happen again. I have never cheated before this but lately I have been doing a relationship inventory of my past and there is a pattern of ALWAYS having one foot out the door ( my eyes on someone else) that has led to my feelings to dissipate for the other person. Although I never pursued anything with those other men i had my eyes on, but it did in fact cause me to instantly lose my feelings towards the person I was seeing and then I would end it. I have always been the one to end the relationships i have been in. I would do anything to take back what happened and how I caused my husband horrendous pain… but there is one thing that I am thankful for. I am thankful that what has happened as caused me to open my eyes and learn how to prevent anything like this from ever happening again. It has also caused me to learn more about myself and the behavior that I repeat. My husband does not deserve to be treated like all of those past relationships so I am not giving up on us. *


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

Affaircare said:


> Hunger~
> 
> I think you're on the right path. I know I had a lot of trouble stopping the "thinking of the OM" too because it was frankly...such a habit! But like any habit, you can change it. What I did was every time I thought of the OM, I envisioned the stopsign too:
> 
> ...


*Thank you so much. I needed this. This is exactly what I will do. I appreciate your care in writing me. *


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

[email protected] said:


> What do you mean by lack of experience? was he a virgin when u married him and you had many ?


He had been with only one woman before me.


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Hunger said:


> *I would never leave my husband’s arms for another man’s arms but for hypothetically thinking... YES it is a fact that this would happen again. I have never cheated before this but lately I have been doing a relationship inventory of my past and there is a pattern of ALWAYS having one foot out the door ( my eyes on someone else) that has led to my feelings to dissipate for the other person. Although I never pursued anything with those other men i had my eyes on, but it did in fact cause me to instantly lose my feelings towards the person I was seeing and then I would end it. I have always been the one to end the relationships i have been in. I would do anything to take back what happened and how I caused my husband horrendous pain… but there is one thing that I am thankful for. I am thankful that what has happened as caused me to open my eyes and learn how to prevent anything like this from ever happening again. It has also caused me to learn more about myself and the behavior that I repeat. My husband does not deserve to be treated like all of those past relationships so I am not giving up on us. *


This acknowledgement is huge. When you go to individual counseling you should be addressing this almost exclusively. Some people are "relationship junkies" always looking for the new relationship high. You should work on discovering why you can't seem to transition from the infatuation phase into the oxytocin fueled pain bonding attachment phase. Do you know that scientists are studying the dopamine responses in people to see if they can predict based on these responses whether someone is prone to Parkinson's Disease, schizophrenia and ADHD?


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> This acknowledgement is huge. When you go to individual counseling you should be addressing this almost exclusively. Some people are "relationship junkies" always looking for the new relationship high. You should work on discovering why you can't seem to transition from the infatuation phase into the oxytocin fueled pain bonding attachment phase. Do you know that scientists are studying the dopamine responses in people to see if they can predict based on these responses whether someone is prone to Parkinson's Disease, schizophrenia and ADHD?


Thank you. I thought so too. The Love Is A Choice book has been really helpful in sorting out deep issues with every relationship (not just men) that I have been in. 

My husband is the longest relationship I have been in.... going on 5 years.... Just fyi i guess.  

I didn't know that about scientist studying dopamine for those reasons but it makes sense. Interesting.


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Hunger said:


> Thank you. I thought so too. The Love Is A Choice book has been really helpful in sorting out deep issues with every relationship (not just men) that I have been in.
> 
> My husband is the longest relationship I have been in.... going on 5 years.... Just fyi i guess.
> 
> I didn't know that about scientist studying dopamine for those reasons but it makes sense. Interesting.


Allow me to clarify that I wasn't saying you were prone to those conditions. Just that scientists are only now realizing the wide effect that dopamine has on the human brain. It effects more than they ever realized. In your case your brain's reliance on dopamine could be blocking the ocytocin from taking hold. Remember, Elizabeth Taylor was a relationship junkie as well. The fact that you are addressing this could be the most important thing your have ever or will ever do in your life.


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> Allow me to clarify that I wasn't saying you were prone to those conditions. Just that scientists are only now realizing the wide effect that dopamine has on the human brain. It effects more than they ever realized. In your case your brain's reliance on dopamine could be blocking the ocytocin from taking hold. Remember, Elizabeth Taylor was a relationship junkie as well. The fact that you are addressing this could be the most important thing your have ever or will ever do in your life.


*Beowulf, 


I understood that. I probably just put it wrong.  Thank you for clarifying. 

I would like to ask you something because you have really helped me through this process and I respect your advice: 
So many people have commented on my posts that I should just let the poor man be and move on with my life because there is no way I ever loved him in the first place or that we are still young and have no kids so I should just let him go because we have nothing to lose and more hope for the future...... 

I get why people are responding this way... and honestly maybe my love for my husband never stood a chance against my commitment issues/problematic past/relationship patterns.....however you want to put it.

I am not trying to fool myself that I 100% believe that reconciliation will happen because I have no idea, but I feel like the last thing I should be doing is just throwing in the towel because of the uncertainty. I am being open and honest with my feeling to my husband and he still does not want me to leave. He is happy that we are able to just spend time together and give it a fighting chance. Do you think that this is selfish of me to stay with how I am feeling? Or… do you think everyone else is correct in saying that I Should just let the man be in on his way to find someone who is just as passionate for him? 

The reason why I am asking is because it really concerns me that so many people would rather tell me to give up rather than try. I know for a fact that my counselor would never tell me that giving up is the right to do unless of course I was still wanting to see the OM or maybe if I just didn’t care. I don’t know… I just figured I would see what you though. Thanksssss.*


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Hunger said:


> *Beowulf,
> 
> 
> I understood that. I probably just put it wrong.  Thank you for clarifying.
> ...


I know many people have said you should just let your husband find someone else who will love him. If you notice I have not agreed with this advice. Regardless of what you have said I do not think you never loved your husband. Only a psychopath would marry someone they did not have strong feelings for. You were unfaithful and you confessed your transgressions. That to me says that you are not a psychopath. To me you just seem very confused about your feelings.

There is most definitely a dopamine induced fog that people go through when they have an affair. Whether that is what is clouding your judgement I cannot say. What I believe is that you loved your husband very much. You got married and maybe even when you were saying "I do" you felt your feelings changing but I think you still loved him. I think you have not transitioned from the infatuation phase into the bonding phase well. I don't know why that is but it seems to be borne out by your relationship history. What I can tell you is that all people go through a period of time when we are not as attracted to our spouses.

I believe you've said that you have been with your husband for about 4-5 years correct? Scientific study has shown that there is no 7 year itch. It actually occurs at around 4-5 years because in paleo times this was how long it took for a child to become more mobile and less needy. This was when the female would go looking for another (different) mate. Studies have shown that this 4-5 year time frame is also consequently when most divorces happen. Food for thought.

Also, you mentioned that your husband is not one for sparkling intellectual conversation. This is so much not a problem. After Morrigan and I were deep into our reconciliation and I was more able to commit to the relationship, I set about changing some things about myself that I knew needed to be changed. I added some qualities that I knew she would like to see. She in turn did the same. Some will say that you shouldn't have to change who you are for anyone else but I disagree. We are always changing anyway. Sometimes you need to add exercise. Sometimes you need to kick bad habits. All this is change. Your husband can and will change when he feels safer in the marriage. He can read books, magazines, blogs, etc. Before you know it you'll have trouble keeping up with his intellectual prowess. LOL

My advice now is the same as it was before in your previous thread. Stay with your husband. Give yourself time to clear your head. Comfort your husband as much as you can. You don't have to be head over heels in love with your husband to do that. After my wife ended her affair she did not feel like she loved me. Yet she comforted me because she knew she had caused my pain. Gradually her feelings for me returned. I think you should give yourself and your husband the same chance because the alternative is filled with "what ifs." And those are the two most painful words in the English language.


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Hunger said:


> ... I would like to ask you something because you have really helped me through this process and I respect your advice:
> 
> So many people have commented on my posts that I should just let the poor man be and move on with my life because there is no way I ever loved him in the first place or that we are still young and have no kids so I should just let him go because we have nothing to lose and more hope for the future......
> 
> ...


Hunger~

I hope you don't mind my answering this too--I know you addressed Beowulf --but being a female person who also had some relationship past issues and a former disloyal, I REALLY identified with this question? May I share my thoughts?

I am encouraged to see that you are reading the book"'Love is a Choice" because I think that often, until we really look at ourselves and our own views on what love is, many of us sort of loosely hold onto a sort of "romance book/Hollywood" idea that love is chemistry/attraction that perfectly meets your needs and lasts forever. Some (like myself) think that love is earned "if we are good" or "if I do X,Y or Z then you will love me" but in reality these views of what LOVE is...are just false! So if you build a relationship on false definitions of what love is and what YOUR role is and what HIS role is...well then eventually it unravels because it was built on something that just isn't true. 

I think those that say "give up" possibly still hold to the idea that it's closer to "star-crossed lovers whose eyes lock across a crowded room and overcoming incredible obstacles, they face their destinies as soulmates"  Thus to the "give up" crowd, it's not really "love" if you and your husband don't have the infatuation right now, or aren't having your needs met, or don't have that passion thing RIGHT NOW. 

To me, though, I see Love entirely differently. First, it is a commitment, and second it is a action. This means that when two people stand up and get married, they aren't saying "See this guy/gal here? S/He meets my needs perfectly and I promise to stay married as long as they keep meeting MY needs." Nope....that's backward! It's more like: "See this guy/gal here? I stand here before all you folks and promise that as long as I live, I will study him/her and learn to love them and learn more and more about how to meet their needs." That's why lots of folks say love is a choice, because by committing you are deliberately saying "I choose to do this! I CHOOSE to practice forsaking others just for you every day." And that's where the second part comes in--love is an action. Because you CHOOSE to act in a loving way toward your spouse. Now granted, some spouses are angry, mean, abusive...but even then being loving to them is allowing them to experience the consequences of their choices to be angry, mean and abusive so that they learn faster!!! So their choices may make it easier or harder, but ultimately they don't "make" you do or feel anything. YOU choose that. 

So you change your thoughts to loving thoughts. You change your actions to loving actions. And you know what happens? the "feelings" of love begin to warm up and grow and grow. And yep you go into it knowing it may take a while to get there--that's cool! You have a lifetime! You go into it knowing you may not get it right the first time and have to try again. You go into it knowing that it will wax and wane...ebb and flow...kind of come and go! But that's where "commitment" chips in because you COMMITTED to that one person that up or down, high or low, thick or thin, you were dedicated to continuing to choose to be loving. 

So yeah I encourage you to NOT give up. You are doing some good personal growth and I suspect if you keep on this track that you'll learn a LOT about how to be a better wife and partner in life. Then when you and your hubby build a new marriage, it will be built on honest, real, healthy intimacy (which is very cool).


----------



## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Before my EA I resented my husband, got to the point where I was at my wits end..got tired of trying and him wanting me to change and me wanting him to change so I checked out and like you didn't think I could get that passion back and now we have been reconciled for a couple of months and bonding like crazy..I was wrong it is possible, every day my love for him grows deeper and deeper but the thing is we are both working on treating eachother much better now..He needs my positive attention just as much as I need his..We do more things with eachother and for eachother. But let me warn you (if you get your passion for him back) it is a very bumpy ride..I feel sick when I think of the OM yet he is always asking me questions about him, if this happens be patient and answer all of his questions. Reassure him you will never do it again. We have rough days working through all of this and I hate myself for causing all of this..It's so painful for him and for me. Don't give up, I thought about giving up..was ready for divorce and luckily came to my senses.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

: )
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Leslie,

Please, if you would, answer these questions:

1) What is your husband's educational background? What is your educational background? 


2) What does your husband do for a living? What is your occupation?


3) You say he is an outdooors kind of guy who loves hunting and fishing, while you are not into these things. Why were you attracted to a man who had so little in common with you? 


4) List 10 positive qualities you like or love about your husband.



5) List 10 negative qualities you wish you could change about him.


6) Which of you is the higher earner in the marriage, and what is the earnings difference? 


I'm interested to know what he is like, because, frankly, I'm f*cking sick and tired of hearing about the piece of sh*t you banged and what an intellectually stimulating piece of sh*t he was. 

I think maybe if you can quantify the negative and positives about your husband, we can help you to look objectively at what it was that led you to emotionally disconnect from him.


----------



## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> Leslie,
> 
> Please, if you would, answer these questions:
> 
> ...


He's a Hunter/Fisherman




Hunger said:


> *
> The reason why I am asking is because it really concerns me that so many people would rather tell me to give up rather than try. I know for a fact that my counselor would never tell me that giving up is the right to do unless of course I was still wanting to see the OM or maybe if I just didn’t care. I don’t know… I just figured I would see what you though. Thanksssss.*



There's definitely a compatibility issue here. When someone enters into marriage pressurized and uncertain of their love for their spouse, have very little in common on an intellectual level and bears very little sexual connection to them then you're just hammering those nails in. If you've had those feeling for 5 years and only stuck with him because he made you feel loved/safe but you couldn't reciprocate those feelings then you're just swimming against the tide in my opinion. 

What's there to salvage if there was nothing to begin with?. Unless you genuinely loved this man and have always had that spark with him then this marriage is definitely salvageable if not, you don't really have a crutch to stand on.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Complexity said:


> He's a Hunter/Fisherman


That's his hobby. What does he do for a living?

And I am a hunter and fisherman. I also have a Masters degree and consider myself very well-read and travelled.

Not all outdoorsmen are illiterate, backwards hicks. I suspect her husband is smarter in some ways than she is.


----------



## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> That's his hobby. What does he do for a living?
> 
> And I am a hunter and fisherman. I also have a Masters degree and consider myself very well-read and travelled.
> 
> Not all outdoorsmen are illiterate, backwards hicks. I suspect her husband is smarter in some ways than she is.


_My husband is a wonderful man. He is caring, thoughtful, a great provider (hunter and fisherman)_

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...t-love-need-help-long-background-reading.html


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Sigh... Comp, no one here in the States makes their _living _hunting and fishing, unless they are a Cajun or an offshore fisherman. We're in the 21st Century now. 

Anyway, we're getting off subject.


----------



## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Yeah it's best for her to clarify that


----------



## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Morrigan (Jan 18, 2012)

Hunger,

I've read your threads. You need to wait. Do not leave your husband until you are sure of your feelings. When I cheated on Beowulf I was absolutely sure I had married the wrong man. I had not one doubt. I was wrong. We weren't communicating well. I didn't see things clearly. That was partly the fog but also partly because we really weren't listening to each other. After we reconciled I still didn't think I loved him. At least not like a wife and a lover. But after I got my head clear I began to appreciate the little things that I didn't let myself see. Then we started communicating and I saw how we had lost our connection. That was 20 years ago and I love him more every day. Treat your husband right. Help him to heal from his pain. In time you may very well see why you loved him. And then when you start communicating more you will find more and more reasons to love. In the meantime, just have patience. I'm living proof that it can work out.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

:iagree:

Hunger aka S.A,

Do not leave your husband. If he has offered the gift of R and you are willing to better yourself with IC and together with MC then stay.

You need the time to get your feelngs straightened out for you and for your husband.

I do not doubt that you love him. 

Now it is time to see if you can get your feelings back for him. That takes time.

The key is to be honest with each other. Respect each other and and do not let your marriage go back to the way it was that lead you to stray.

Stay strong and have faith in you, your husband and in your marriage.

My prayers are for you and your husband this holiday weekend.

HM64


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Leslie,
> 
> Please, if you would, answer these questions:
> 
> ...


is this meant for me? i am stephanie.......


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

Sorry I was gone most the weekend. I will start responding now.....Thank y ou all so much for your help.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Hunger said:


> is this meant for me? i am stephanie.......


Yes. Sorry, I get posters mixed up sometimes. All part of my A.D.D. :scratchhead:


----------



## gear1903 (Apr 2, 2012)

To Hunger, CantSitStill, and Affaircare,

I am currently the husband in the situations all three of you have mentioned going through, and all I can say is please keep trying to work it out if your heart is in it. My wife is currently in the state that you once found yourself in, and I am hoping and praying that she will come to realize what you have been able to. As long as you are genuinely trying to heal and make things work, as it sounds like all of you are or already have, I think it is worth fighting the good fight. 

Breakdowns are rarely only in one direction, so I'm sure your husband(s) appreciate the chance to work on the relationship from their side as well, as I know I would if given the chance.

If I may ask, what made you decide to give up the EA and work on the marriage after you had felt so fargone in the other direction? I am looking for any glimmer of hope regarding my wife...

Thanks and good luck to all of you.


----------



## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Well for me after many times of trying to stop talking to the OM and landed up texting him days later..eventually I told hubby about him and left to stay with my sister.. Well the OM suddenly ignored me..I tried calling and texting with no response..Then after talking to a lawyer I had a real bad nervous breakdown..Wanted to go to the mental hosp. Well hubby was at work and had a feeling something was really really wrong, so he texted me and calmed me, came and got me, fed me (I hadn't been able to eat or sleep for days) Hubby's compassion after I betrayed him proved to me that he really does love me.. He helped me pack up and took me home..from there we have been talking and bonding daily..ups and downs but we are respecting eachother so much more..starting over...I never contacted the OM since but he tried to contact me. I told hubby right away and he dealt with him..now the OM is blocked.. so much more to the story but that is the short version.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## gear1903 (Apr 2, 2012)

Thanks CantSitStill. So it was a combo of not having a response from the OM plus the reality hitting you when speaking about D with the lawyer that prompted the anxiety, and having your H provide comfort showed how much he loved you, which helped tip things in his favor.

My wife has had a couple non-emotional PAs with random people and now this real EA with a coworker (all of which was revealed to me in a matter of days). The fact that I still wanted to work things out made her realize how much more I loved her than she ever knew (the reason we ran into trouble was because I wasn't good at showing my affection and love for her, as I am fairly reserved and unemotional). However, we haven't quite gotten to the reality of D yet, as we haven't spoken to lawyers and made any filings, so maybe she hasn't reached that stage of realization yet...


----------



## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

I refused to believe that Calvin really loved me. I thought he loves the wife he wants me to be instead of the person that I am. I found out the day he took me home that he really does love me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

Really sorry for the delay in my response. Work has been super busy lately so I have been exhausted when I get home. I will repond to all tonight.


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Hunger said:


> Really sorry for the delay in my response. Work has been super busy lately so I have been exhausted when I get home. I will repond to all tonight.


Understandable. You have a lot on your plate. Make sure you don't neglect your health through all this. Stress is a killer.


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

gear1903 said:


> Thanks CantSitStill. So it was a combo of not having a response from the OM plus the reality hitting you when speaking about D with the lawyer that prompted the anxiety, and having your H provide comfort showed how much he loved you, which helped tip things in his favor.
> 
> My wife has had a couple non-emotional PAs with random people and now this real EA with a coworker (all of which was revealed to me in a matter of days). The fact that I still wanted to work things out made her realize how much more I loved her than she ever knew (the reason we ran into trouble was because I wasn't good at showing my affection and love for her, as I am fairly reserved and unemotional). However, we haven't quite gotten to the reality of D yet, as we haven't spoken to lawyers and made any filings, so maybe she hasn't reached that stage of realization yet...


gear, you are much like me or what I was. I was very logical, methodical, etc. Part of what I did after R was to add some qualities that my wife thought I possessed but really didn't. I was 50% responsible for the problems in the marriage and I set out to make sure I took care of my issues. Think about it this way. You didn't always know how to use a cell phone. You can add personality traits without changing your core personality.


----------



## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

why is it that cheaters always want the opposite of what they're spouse is?

you knew going into this marriage what your husband was/wasn't. 

you're punishing your husband(with your affair) because he's not the "brain" your AP is.....c'mon.


----------



## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Ohh Stephanie...we want to hear from you, give us an update, hope you aren't giving up
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Leslie,
> 
> Please, if you would, answer these questions:
> 
> ...


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

I'm getting the distinct feeling that many of the negative and positive qualities you listed are "Nice Guy" qualities. A lot probably stems from being raised by alcoholic parents. Can someone else chime in on this. Its been a while since I read No More Mr. Nice Guy.


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> I'm getting the distinct feeling that many of the negative and positive qualities you listed are "Nice Guy" qualities. A lot probably stems from being raised by alcoholic parents. Can someone else chime in on this. Its been a while since I read No More Mr. Nice Guy.


Interesting. I am not familiar with this term.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Hunger said:


> Interesting. I am not familiar with this term.


Its a book with a corresponding website for men. Here is the link. Take a look. 

No More Mr. Nice Guy


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> Its a book with a corresponding website for men. Here is the link. Take a look.
> 
> No More Mr. Nice Guy


Am I right Bandit? I seem to recall, even the nit picking, are traits of a "Nice Guy". And he certainly must have experienced abandonment issues with alcoholic parents.

BTW, outstanding set of questions you posted.


----------



## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Hunger how are things going? Have you found your passion for your hubby yet? Do you know what's holding you back? I know you talked about having your guard up..I did the same thing and also as you struggled with affection because didn't get it from my parents but are you seeing how much your husband loves you? You haven't gotten back the "in love" feeling for him yet? It's been a while now. Know that I'm not judging you, I had the same problem.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Its a book with a corresponding website for men. Here is the link. Take a look.
> 
> No More Mr. Nice Guy


Eh, the website is blocked. I will pull it up at home.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> Am I right Bandit? I seem to recall, even the nit picking, are traits of a "Nice Guy". And he certainly must have experienced abandonment issues with alcoholic parents.
> 
> BTW, outstanding set of questions you posted.


Yes, that and the "covert contracts" that he probably uses to manipulate Hunger to do what he wants. Nothing wears a woman down faster.


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

CantSitStill said:


> Hunger how are things going? Have you found your passion for your hubby yet? Do you know what's holding you back? I know you talked about having your guard up..I did the same thing and also as you struggled with affection because didn't get it from my parents but are you seeing how much your husband loves you? You haven't gotten back the "in love" feeling for him yet? It's been a while now. Know that I'm not judging you, I had the same problem.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Hello Cantsitstill.... I always like hearing from you. Sorry it took me so long to get back. 

I wouldn’t say I have found my passion for my hubby yet, but there are a few positive things that have happened since last time I posted. One; I had a very negative dream about the OM… in the dream we met somewhere and I did not find him attractive at all.. In fact I was thinking about my hubby the entire time and ended up leaving before we could talk much and that is about all I remember. I shared this with my counselor and saw this as a very positive thing because I took it as in a way closing the door on the OM unconsciously. Second: I also feel happier for the future knowing that I continue to not contact the OM and think positively about moving forward. About a week ago I was thinking negative all the time and didn’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. I can see a glimmer of light….. a chance that there may be a reconciliation if I continue what I am doing. My Husband also seems to be getting stronger. 

On the other hand I feel like I still have a wall up that I somehow created. The “in love” feelings are not here yet and I don’t feel the need for affection or the want to give him affection, but I am doing the motions anyways. My counselor suggested I try and do all of the motions I would have done in the past and hopefully my feelings will follow. I definitely see how much my husband loves me and I am trying ot focus on that. Thank you for checking on me.


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Hunger said:


> Eh, the website is blocked. I will pull it up at home.


Hunger,

Check out the website. The book is free so you can't beat it. See if you see a lot of your husband in the different "Nice Guy" descriptions. Its a quick read but something in your answers struck me hard and reminded me of that book.


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> Hunger,
> 
> Check out the website. The book is free so you can't beat it. See if you see a lot of your husband in the different "Nice Guy" descriptions. Its a quick read but something in your answers struck me hard and reminded me of that book.


I will do this first thing! Thank you.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Hunger said:


> Eh, the website is blocked. I will pull it up at home.


Its an interesting read. Basically some men adopt "good guy" traits to survive tumultuous childhoods. These traits are eventually damaging to a marriage because they involve alot of covert manipulation of their wives in ways that are hard to notice or recognize. 

You and your hubby should get this book and read it together. It will give you alot of insights as to wether your husband is a toxic "Nice Guy" or not, and may give you some ideas on how to deal with him. The website has a blog of rugged goofy guys who like to smack on each other and help each other out. He may like it.


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Yes, that and the "covert contracts" that he probably uses to manipulate Hunger to do what he wants. Nothing wears a woman down faster.


"Covert contracts"?? ..... Sorry.


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Its an interesting read. Basically some men adopt "good guy" traits to survive tumultuous childhoods. These traits are eventually damaging to a marriage because they involve alot of covert manipulation of their wives in ways that are hard to notice or recognize.
> 
> You and your hubby should get this book and read it together. It will give you alot of insights as to wether your husband is a toxic "Nice Guy" or not, and may give you some ideas on how to deal with him. The website has a blog of rugged goofy guys who like to smack on each other and help each other out. He may like it.


My husband does not get on the internet...period... but I will look up the book or print it out if I can. I cant bring up the website here so I dont know the options but I will figure it out.


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

Affaircare said:


> Hunger~
> 
> So yeah I encourage you to NOT give up. You are doing some good personal growth and I suspect if you keep on this track that you'll learn a LOT about how to be a better wife and partner in life. Then when you and your hubby build a new marriage, it will be built on honest, real, healthy intimacy (which is very cool).


I just wanted you to know that I greatly appreciate your time and feedback. I read over what you wrote a few times and I completely agree with you. I am determined to stay on track to see what comes of all of this. Thanks again.


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Hunger said:


> Hello Cantsitstill.... I always like hearing from you. Sorry it took me so long to get back.
> 
> I wouldn’t say I have found my passion for my hubby yet, but there are a few positive things that have happened since last time I posted. One; I had a very negative dream about the OM… in the dream we met somewhere and I did not find him attractive at all.. In fact I was thinking about my hubby the entire time and ended up leaving before we could talk much and that is about all I remember. I shared this with my counselor and saw this as a very positive thing because I took it as in a way closing the door on the OM unconsciously. Second: I also feel happier for the future knowing that I continue to not contact the OM and think positively about moving forward. About a week ago I was thinking negative all the time and didn’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. I can see a glimmer of light….. a chance that there may be a reconciliation if I continue what I am doing. My Husband also seems to be getting stronger.
> 
> On the other hand I feel like I still have a wall up that I somehow created. The “in love” feelings are not here yet and I don’t feel the need for affection or the want to give him affection, but I am doing the motions anyways. My counselor suggested I try and do all of the motions I would have done in the past and hopefully my feelings will follow. I definitely see how much my husband loves me and I am trying ot focus on that. Thank you for checking on me.


Hunger,

Picture a house. Walls, ceilings, windows. When you first posted your husband was outside the house, the OM was in the same room with you and all the windows were boarded shut. When you told your husband about the OM you unboarded the windows and saw your husband standing outside the house looking in through the window. As you went to counseling and talked more and more with your husband you moved over to the window and opened it a crack. When you did this the OM left the room but stayed in the house. As you progressed you gradually opened the window more and more seeing, hearing, sensing your husband. The OM went out the door. Now you've opened the window fully. Your husband is getting ready to climb through it and enter the room with you. The OM is now walking away down the street and getting farther and farther away. Once he is completely out of sight your husband will climb through the window and hold you in his arms. And you will hold him. You're coming out of the fog.


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Hunger said:


> "Covert contracts"?? ..... Sorry.


If I remember correctly covert contracts are agreements that the "Nice Guy" will make with himself and expect the spouse to honor. For example, he will get you flowers. He will expect you to reciprocate but he won't tell you so. When you don't he will get angry and start to criticize, or nag, or argue because he feels you let him down even though you never knew he expected something. Its in the book.


----------



## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> Hunger,
> 
> Picture a house. Walls, ceilings, windows. When you first posted your husband was outside the house, the OM was in the same room with you and all the windows were boarded shut. When you told your husband about the OM you unboarded the windows and saw your husband standing outside the house looking in through the window. As you went to counseling and talked more and more with your husband you moved over to the window and opened it a crack. When you did this the OM left the room but stayed in the house. As you progressed you gradually opened the window more and more seeing, hearing, sensing your husband. The OM went out the door. Now you've opened the window fully. Your husband is getting ready to climb through it and enter the room with you. The OM is now walking away down the street and getting farther and farther away. Once he is completely out of sight your husband will climb through the window and hold you in his arms. And you will hold him. You're coming out of the fog.


Yes I agree, this is a good sign.. praying that you can get out of that fog and really reconcile
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

CantSitStill said:


> Before my EA I resented my husband, got to the point where I was at my wits end..got tired of trying and him wanting me to change and me wanting him to change so I checked out and like you didn't think I could get that passion back and now we have been reconciled for a couple of months and bonding like crazy..I was wrong it is possible, every day my love for him grows deeper and deeper but the thing is we are both working on treating eachother much better now..He needs my positive attention just as much as I need his..We do more things with eachother and for eachother. But let me warn you (if you get your passion for him back) it is a very bumpy ride..I feel sick when I think of the OM yet he is always asking me questions about him, if this happens be patient and answer all of his questions. Reassure him you will never do it again. We have rough days working through all of this and I hate myself for causing all of this..It's so painful for him and for me. Don't give up, I thought about giving up..was ready for divorce and luckily came to my senses.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


*From so many of your posts it defintely seems like we were in a very similar situation. I understand the whole wanting to check out thing. I have gone back and forth several times because our home life lately has been so rocky. I will “check out” for a night thinking I need to stay at my Dad’s right down the street and plan on separating for a bit and then go right back home the next day. I don’t really feel bad about it because the times I have done this is because he gets very angry and starts breaking things and it scares me. That is so awesome that you got your passion back for your husband. That helps me to have hope for us! I look at my husband and know that he is a wonderful man and lately I have caught myself staring/studying him while we are together because I don’t understand why I don’t feel attracted to him when he is clearly a very attractive man…. Lol… silly I know but I have found myself doing this. We still hang out constantly and even cuddle very closely on the couch every night but I don’t feel anything. We tried making love about a week ago and I felt nothing and ended up feeling a tremendous amount of guilt for doing it and not feeling anything, but we both wanted to try so bad just to see if it would help. Our sex life was never wonderful so maybe this is something that we can work on moving forward if I do begin to feel passion with time. 

I am not going to give up. I keep telling myself that I am still blinded and that I can’t give up on us because I have nothing to lose if I stay for now. .. and of course he wants me to stay no matter how I am feeling. 

I never did a no contact letter with the OM or anything because my situation was very different in the sense that I was ALWAYS the initiator and almost every time he would tell me that we should not be talking until I make a decision and that if I ever loved my husband or think I will ever get my feelings back again than I should stay with my husband and not talk to him. I would do so good and not talk to him for days and then I would get the urge and start all over again. It was tough but I know now that it was because I was addicted. I got a high when I talked to him and then I began to feel guilty to the point where I would stop it for a while … and it was a toxic cycle. It is so crazy how that works. I hate myself for not being able to just STOP. I always thought I was stronger than that but I guess not. *


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> Hunger,
> 
> Picture a house. Walls, ceilings, windows. When you first posted your husband was outside the house, the OM was in the same room with you and all the windows were boarded shut. When you told your husband about the OM you unboarded the windows and saw your husband standing outside the house looking in through the window. As you went to counseling and talked more and more with your husband you moved over to the window and opened it a crack. When you did this the OM left the room but stayed in the house. As you progressed you gradually opened the window more and more seeing, hearing, sensing your husband. The OM went out the door. Now you've opened the window fully. Your husband is getting ready to climb through it and enter the room with you. The OM is now walking away down the street and getting farther and farther away. Once he is completely out of sight your husband will climb through the window and hold you in his arms. And you will hold him. You're coming out of the fog.


Awe, I love this. Thank you. I will keep picturing this.


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> If I remember correctly covert contracts are agreements that the "Nice Guy" will make with himself and expect the spouse to honor. For example, he will get you flowers. He will expect you to reciprocate but he won't tell you so. When you don't he will get angry and start to criticize, or nag, or argue because he feels you let him down even though you never knew he expected something. Its in the book.


I will read and quit asking question. Thank you.


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Hunger aka S.A,
> 
> ...


You said it perfectly. I completely agree. We are both working on being very respectful towards each other and I will continue to be honest with everything that I do. I understand that it takes a lot of time to re-build trust. Thank you for your prayers.


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

So is the No More Mr. Nice Guy more more me or my husband???


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Hunger said:


> So is the No More Mr. Nice Guy more more me or my husband???


Your husband. Many of the qualities you attribute to him are straight from the book if memory serves. That would explain much of his behavior and potentially why you started feeling disconnected before your affair. Its also something that can be corrected so the things you love/loved about him remain and the things that might have driven you apart can be worked on.


----------



## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

I like you tried to break it off with the OM and he said ok but it was me that kept texting him after a couple days.. I would tell him that Calvin's treating me alot better and we are going to marriage counseling so OM was fine with it but I got addicted somehow and missed his texts. It was a crazy cycle but I have not talked to him and do not have any desire to since February 1st. But for me I hate the OM because I feel he messed my head all up. As for Calvin it was like a miracle how suddenly I fell back in love with him. I hope the same for you..that all of a sudden u will see how much you love your hubby. Things have really changes for us, we give eachother tons of attention. It's kinda like starting all over again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## skip76 (Aug 30, 2011)

Just because he was a nice guy doesn't mean he deserved this. You should be motivated to repair the damage you did. If your husband decided to break it off your feelings fir him would change. But it will be too late. Don't mistake his kindness for weakness. I sense that you feel as though this is all your decision. If you decide to work it out all is not forgotten. This could raise its ugly head years down the road. That is how much this affected him you changed his life forever and you don't realize it. Do you resent him for his lack of sexual experience? Do you wish he was your first and only? Does he not initiate because he feels inadequate due to your past? He must feel stupid asking questions. You could have molded him into your own sexual god by teaching him how to please you. But you put all that effort into having the sex he is dreaming of with another man repeatedly. God only knows what is going through his head when he is alone with his thoughts. I don't want to hear you told him because I know you can think of something to get what you want out if him. Good luck to you this is going to be a long road.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

CantSitStill said:


> I like you tried to break it off with the OM and he said ok but it was me that kept texting him after a couple days.. I would tell him that Calvin's treating me alot better and we are going to marriage counseling so OM was fine with it but I got addicted somehow and missed his texts. It was a crazy cycle but I have not talked to him and do not have any desire to since February 1st. But for me I hate the OM because I feel he messed my head all up. As for Calvin it was like a miracle how suddenly I fell back in love with him. I hope the same for you..that all of a sudden u will see how much you love your hubby. Things have really changes for us, we give eachother tons of attention. It's kinda like starting all over again.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I understand the vicious cycle of contact the OM. I fell off the wagon 3 times. I would do great with no contact for a few days and then the urges would come or my husband and I would get in a huge fight and bam I was running to the OM. Just like you would any addiction. The times that you are in crisis you turn to the addiction. Very cruel circle. Glad I have been out for a while. 

I hope our story ends up like yours. I would love to fall in love with my husband all over again. We are just spending as much time together in the evenings and on the weekends to try and re-bond. He has been changing a lot as well. He seems to want to do all of my interests now and wants to communicate about everything. He thinks what I did was his fault which of course it wasn't... so he thinks he needs to change everything. I am okay with little changes every here and there to better our relationship..... i just want him to not forget about himself and what makes him happy.


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Hunger said:


> I would love to fall in love with my husband all over again.
> 
> *Its been said that love is a choice. I think it's true in many cases. It was in Morrigan's and mine.*
> 
> ...


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

Awe thank you.


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

Something very serious came up last night and I don’t know what to do: 

Before I continue I will get you a little background of the addiction. When I met my husband he was highly addicted to painkillers of all sorts because his doctor was prescribing them to him like candy after a very serious back surgery. For an entire year his doctor refilled these strong painkillers until I guess he realized enough was enough and decided to just cut him off suddenly. My husband got into some deep trouble because he forged a prescription from a lower dose to a higher dosage and was caught immediately. This is the first trouble my husband has ever gotten into so he did a whole year of extensive drug court to make sure nothing appeared on his record which he ended up completing. The withdraws from getting off these drugs were crazy! My husband was on the couch for about 2 weeks with cold sweats and anxiety. I was there for him throughout the entire ordeal to comfort and just be there. After drug court was over I began asking him question about the addiction because I was interested. This is when I found out that our relationship started with lies and deceit. For an entire year he did everything he could do to hide this addiction from me and when I was suspicious of his behavior he would lie. I felt like everything was over till about a year before our wedding and a year after drug court when the addiction surfaced again this time it was uglier. He found out a good friend was taking painkillers so he began hanging out with this friend constantly and somehow found a connection on where to purchase them. The lying and deceiving started all over again and this time he was smoking pills instead of swallowing them. I don’t even know how you do this but you can. I eventually got suspicious and found hard evidence which I confronted him with. He continued to lie so I left for 3 days straight and stayed at a girlfriend’s house with no contact. He finally confessed and I came home. That was the last I saw of this until last night……….. 

The last 2 weeks I have been noticing some very odd behavior from my husband that reminded me of when he relapsed the last time. He has been going to the bathroom constantly; probably 5-6 times a night and he blames it on constipation from the anti-anxiety pills the doctor prescribed him. The other strange behavior is the sudden crazy energy he has had lately and how his mood has changed so drastically from sad all the time to now almost happy… at first I just figured he was getting stronger every day. So last night after dinner he excused himself to the restroom. I knelt by the bathroom door and listen for about 5-10 minutes. I heard constant inhaling and something that sounded like plastic or foil that he kept messing with. I knew he was up to no good. I waited for him to get out of the bathroom and confronted him immediately. It took about an hour to get it out of him and actually didn’t tell me the truth until I found some drug paraphernalia hidden in the bathroom. He said that he tried to smoke the anti-anxiety pills that was prescribed to him and that this was the first time he did it and nothing happen. I hate to say this but I don’t believe him because he has been acting different for at least a week if not longer. I don’t really believe that it was just the anti-anxiety pills either but maybe. I am just very worried about him because I feel like I caused this. :/ Also, all we have been talking about in counseling is no more lies and deceit and now he is doing the lying and deceiving.  

Don’t know what to do.


----------



## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Just a thought...u resent him so much maybe for the drug use that u cant allow youself to love and trust him?? Possible, also u are probably right, he may have slipped back into the drugs..Your fault? no its an excuse for him to use again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Hunger~

One thing you have GOT to realize--say this to yourself about 100 times a day:
You can not change him or "make" him do or not do anything. 
You can not "make" your husband lie to you or tell you the truth, and you can not "make" your husband want to quit the drugs or "make" him take them. 

The absolutely ONLY person you can change is YOU--you yourself. If he is going to change and stop himself from taking these drugs, he is going to have to do it from within himself and want it so bad that when he gets the urges (like when you had urges to call OM) that he'll resist on his own. Until HE wants it, he'll continue to agree with you to your face, and behind your back he'll sneak and lie and hide what he wants to do: his drugs.

Since you can not change him, let's focus on you and what you can change about you that helps him continue doing drugs. For example, let's say that you decide to sit down with him and say "_I have made a commitment to you and I choose to honor it, but I will not have a partner in my life who is sneaking behind my back, doing drugs, and lying to my face about it. At this time I have reasonable reason to believe you are in your addiction again, and I will not accept the blame for your choices. I know I can't control you, so *I'm going to make some requests.* I request that we make a doctor appointment that we go to together, and have a blood test done to indicate what EXACTLY is in your bloodstream and to have a doctor tell us together what options there are for treatment. I request that from now on, all doors to all rooms stay open, including the bathroom. Yes it's embarrassing but we are intimate and it is the cost of choosing to hide things from me while going to the bathroom. I'm going to request that we talk to the counselor ASAP and be honest with what has been transpiring (namely the lying about doing drugs) so that the counselor can actually give us the help and advice we need._" 

See the part of YOU that you change to help this situation, is the part of you that helps him cover up his drug use....the part that cleans up his messes after he does something stupid when he's high...the part that "explains" why he had to do it or makes up excuses for him....the part that says that if you love him you'll keep his secret so his dirty laundry isn't aired in public. That part of you is actually HELPING HIM keep doing it. So I would recommend the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. This book is for YOU, Hunger. Start there and keep on track with the way you've been working on ending the affair and rebuilding love for your husband. But bear in mind that it is going to be "difficult to impossible" to build love for him when he is lying to you, and building trust actually will be impossible! In order for the two of you to rebuild trust, you are BOTH going to have to stop covering things up from each other, and no matter how much it hurts or scares you--be OPEN and be HONEST.


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

CantSitStill said:


> Just a thought...u resent him so much maybe for the drug use that u cant allow youself to love and trust him?? Possible, also u are probably right, he may have slipped back into the drugs..Your fault? no its an excuse for him to use again.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have no doubt that some of my resentment is because of the drug abuse, but majority is from rug sweeping with our problems. :/


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Affaircare said:


> Hunger~
> 
> One thing you have GOT to realize--say this to yourself about 100 times a day:
> You can not change him or "make" him do or not do anything.
> ...


Hunger, the book AC is suggesting is excellent. I've read it. You should add it to your library and read it when you can (I know you're reading other books as well).


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Hunger said:


> I have no doubt that some of my resentment is because of the drug abuse, but majority is from rug sweeping with our problems. :/


Yes, like CSS said his drug use could be very well why you started disconnecting from him. Its certainly worth looking into.


----------



## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Beowulf what haven't you read? lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

BTW, don't look at all this as huge mountains to climb. This is all a good thing. You get all the dirty laundry out on the table and you clean it all up so your new marriage starts off fresh and with lots of room for love.


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

CantSitStill said:


> Beowulf what haven't you read? lol
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know huh? I've always been a big reader. I read constantly. I always have a book in my hands. The one I'm reading now is Fire In The Belly by Sam Keen.


----------



## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

may I add, when you reconcile it will be like a new marriage too but that's the good thing..you both will have your boundaries and more respect for eachother an.d stop neglecting eachother
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> Hunger, the book AC is suggesting is excellent. I've read it. You should add it to your library and read it when you can (I know you're reading other books as well).


I just purchased it online. Is it a lot like "Love is a Choice" because that book is all about co-dependency as well and I am currently working on the work book and just got the audio in the mail today for my husband to listen to it since he doesn’t read. I also purchased "No More Mr. Nice Guy" for my husband, a book about boundaries for me, and "Happiness is a Choice" from Amazon last night. We are going to be busy for a while! I appreciate all of the suggestions. I love to read especially if it can only better things.


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> Yes, like CSS said his drug use could be very well why you started disconnecting from him. Its certainly worth looking into.


That could be true but he hasnt been using for a very long time... well as far as I know. :/


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> BTW, don't look at all this as huge mountains to climb. This is all a good thing. You get all the dirty laundry out on the table and you clean it all up so your new marriage starts off fresh and with lots of room for love.


This is my thought as well. Thanks.


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Hunger said:


> I just purchased it online. Is it a lot like "Love is a Choice" because that book is all about co-dependency as well and I am currently working on the work book and just got the audio in the mail today for my husband to listen to it since he doesn’t read. I also purchased "No More Mr. Nice Guy" for my husband, a book about boundaries for me, and "Happiness is a Choice" from Amazon last night. We are going to be busy for a while! I appreciate all of the suggestions. I love to read especially if it can only better things.


It focuses more on how to disengage from loved ones with addictions. If I recall correctly it talks a lot about how your life can be consumed by pouring all your energy and spirit into the black home that an addicts behavior can become. I believe it also talks about how your emotions can become tumultuous in an addictive relationship.

I see reading and learning as building a ladder. Each book you read you take something away. Each book adds a rung on the ladder. Eventually the ladder gets so tall that no wall, no hill, no mountain is insurmountable. You guys are on the right track.


----------



## skip76 (Aug 30, 2011)

i would focus on your problems. you have a lot of them. since you wrote ecerything he could fix about himself why don't you write ten things that suck about you. focus on those. i would need to self medicate myself too. i am proud he kicked this horrible habit years ago, too bad these events threw all that away too. help him, don't kick him. i said it earlier, he may be nice but he does have a breaking point and if he reaches that point, it will be too late for you my dear. i personally think that would be best for him but what do i know. sorry for the interuption, now let the love fest continue.


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

Morrigan said:


> Hunger,
> 
> I've read your threads. You need to wait. Do not leave your husband until you are sure of your feelings. When I cheated on Beowulf I was absolutely sure I had married the wrong man. I had not one doubt. I was wrong. We weren't communicating well. I didn't see things clearly. That was partly the fog but also partly because we really weren't listening to each other. After we reconciled I still didn't think I loved him. At least not like a wife and a lover. But after I got my head clear I began to appreciate the little things that I didn't let myself see. Then we started communicating and I saw how we had lost our connection. That was 20 years ago and I love him more every day. Treat your husband right. Help him to heal from his pain. In time you may very well see why you loved him. And then when you start communicating more you will find more and more reasons to love. In the meantime, just have patience. I'm living proof that it can work out.


Thank you Morrigon for the advice. You seem to have a very wise husband and his help has been greatly useful. I am hoping that everything will come back once my head has cleared. I have never been patient in my life so this is a definate challenge but towards a good cause. Thank you. ;-)


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Hunger said:


> That could be true but he hasnt been using for a very long time... well as far as I know. :/


That may be but it may have contributed to the problems that never got addressed. These things build up like pressure and eventually the valve blows.


----------



## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Doesn't matter that the drug use was a while ago, you may have been holding in that resentment for a long time and not really realised it. Also you may still be in the fog which could be blocking your mind from truly even seeing your own faults. I know I struggled with that. I honestly felt like Calvin was the one with all the faults and not me...each day I'm seeing more and more how I should've done many things differently through our marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

CantSitStill said:


> Beowulf what haven't you read? lol
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


How about "Bondage of the Will" by Martin Luther? :lol: I have read this one--it's actually VERY good but it is theological. 

Okay a real one: how about "Passionate Marriage" by David Schnarch? I actually loved this book and learned a lot about what intimacy is from this book. 

Finally, I will bet you cash money you haven't read my book. LOL  But note to self: "Stay on the topic at hand"


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

> We moved in together after 2 weeks because my lease was up and I couldn’t stand having a roommate and he was living with his Dad for a few weeks to help him recover from heart surgery. He was the first man I have ever lived with and I guess it just seemed like the right thing to do at the time (no hesitation) so we did it. My attraction to my husband is different than the way I have been attracted to other men in past relationships. What attracted me the most to my husband is that he is very protective and attentive towards me. He is also very affectionate which I have always liked.


You are getting plenty of good advice, so I won't belabor that, but I did want to note that I suspect you are wrong in not having passion for your husband at some point. People without passion for their significant other don't often move in together after two weeks. It may not have been a smart move but I think there was some passion there.


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

skip76 said:


> You could have molded him into your own sexual god by teaching him how to please you. But you put all that effort into having the sex he is dreaming of with another man repeatedly. .


I did not have repeated sex with the OM. It happened once. Doesn't make it any better, but I would like to clarify that. 



skip76 said:


> i would focus on your problems. you have a lot of them. since you wrote ecerything he could fix about himself why don't you write ten things that suck about you. focus on those. i would need to self medicate myself too. i am proud he kicked this horrible habit years ago, too bad these events threw all that away too. help him, don't kick him. i said it earlier, he may be nice but he does have a breaking point and if he reaches that point, it will be too late for you my dear. i personally think that would be best for him but what do i know. sorry for the interuption, now let the love fest continue.


I am not focusing on his problems in any way. I just posted it because it happened last night and I am very worried for his sake. All I have been doing is focusing on my problems and what I did to my husband....this is why I am here trying to get all the advice I can get to make things right. There is no kicking my husband involved here… just concern.


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

CantSitStill said:


> Doesn't matter that the drug use was a while ago, you may have been holding in that resentment for a long time and not really realised it. Also you may still be in the fog which could be blocking your mind from truly even seeing your own faults. I know I struggled with that. I honestly felt like Calvin was the one with all the faults and not me...each day I'm seeing more and more how I should've done many things differently through our marriage.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah... I dont think the fog is holding me back from seeing my own fault cause trust me I can clearly see them. Counseling has helped me to recognize so much I have done wrong in our relationship. The biggest fault was that I had a hard time sticking up for myself when my interests or concerns were invalidated. I am working on that.


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> You are getting plenty of good advice, so I won't belabor that, but I did want to note that I suspect you are wrong in not having passion for your husband at some point. People without passion for their significant other don't often move in together after two weeks. It may not have been a smart move but I think there was some passion there.


Maybe I just don't remember. :/ I know that our move was convenient for the both of us because of our living situations at the time. Just seemed the right thing to do at the moment. My husband tells me that we had sex all the time in the beginning and it was very passionate, but I don't remember. :/ I wonder if it is because he felt differently than I do or if I just have a CRAPPY memory.


----------



## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

It's good that you're not just giving up. With me the only way I can explain how I fell back in love with hubby was sorta like an instant miracle..I prayed alot tho, still do. Was literally crying for help and somehow Calvin felt it at work and stopped everything he was doing and texted me with "what's wrong" while I was staying at my sisters. Somehow after that text we talked and I instantly fell right back in love..soo bizarre but the total truth
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## skip76 (Aug 30, 2011)

Hunger said:


> Yeah... I dont think the fog is holding me back from seeing my own fault cause trust me I can clearly see them. Counseling has helped me to recognize so much I have done wrong in our relationship. The biggest fault was that I had a hard time sticking up for myself when my interests or concerns were invalidated. I am working on that.


Read that again. Even your faults are his fault. I can't make this stuff up. I think you are an entitled princess not used to taking responsibility for her actions. Time is upon you to see that actions have consequences. Where is that list of stuff wrong with you? Ten things you could fix about yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## skip76 (Aug 30, 2011)

And I would drop this counselor immediately. They are not looking at this properly and almost none do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Hunger said:


> Maybe I just don't remember. :/ I know that our move was convenient for the both of us because of our living situations at the time. Just seemed the right thing to do at the moment. My husband tells me that we had sex all the time in the beginning and it was very passionate, but I don't remember. :/ I wonder if it is because he felt differently than I do or if I just have a CRAPPY memory.


I said it in another thread, but it applies here as well:

Never underestimate the ability of the human mind to convince itself of "facts" to justify what it wants to do, especially if that allows you to avoid being a bad person.

You would not be the first person, cheater or otherwise, to forget or misremember facts in such a way that lessens your guilt in doing something you know is wrong. It is a very human thing to do. Add the fog of the OM, and I would not be surprised if your mind supressed that memory.


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Affaircare said:


> How about "Bondage of the Will" by Martin Luther? :lol: I have read this one--it's actually VERY good but it is theological.
> 
> Okay a real one: how about "Passionate Marriage" by David Schnarch? I actually loved this book and learned a lot about what intimacy is from this book.
> 
> Finally, I will bet you cash money you haven't read my book. LOL  But note to self: "Stay on the topic at hand"


You have a book AC? Hmmm. Okay no threadjacks today.


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

skip76 said:


> Read that again. Even your faults are his fault. I can't make this stuff up. I think you are an entitled princess not used to taking responsibility for her actions. Time is upon you to see that actions have consequences. Where is that list of stuff wrong with you? Ten things you could fix about yourself.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I can see where not vocalizing her concerns is a problem she needs to deal with. Lack of communication is a huge issue in a marriage. And if concerns in a relationship are not addressed resentment builds up.


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

skip76 said:


> Read that again. Even your faults are his fault. I can't make this stuff up. I think you are an entitled princess not used to taking responsibility for her actions. Time is upon you to see that actions have consequences. Where is that list of stuff wrong with you? Ten things you could fix about yourself.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, I meant in general; not just with my husband. If I do not stick up for myself that is completely my fault. I wasn't referring to whomever who is doing the invalidating.


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

skip76 said:


> And I would drop this counselor immediately. They are not looking at this properly and almost none do.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am doing IC and MC. I am not dropping.


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

Skip 76, I do not need to explain myself to you. After reading several of your posts in other blogs, it is clear that you have a chip on your shoulder. I could list probably more negative traits within myself than positive if I wanted to. That is not what was asked from the person with the questions that I answered. Honestly, I would have done it for him, but I will not do it because you demand me to.


----------



## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

I remember when we were in marriage counseling (during my EA) which I did not confess yet. I was asked my faults and couldn't come up with a thing so the counselor had Calvin write my faults. Man I was so in the fog that I still felt everything was his fault..weird the games your own mind plays when you're in the middle of an affair. Tomorrow is our first counseling session with a totally new counselor. Wish us luck that she can help us with all of the aftermath. The first session is always nervewracking.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> I said it in another thread, but it applies here as well:
> 
> Never underestimate the ability of the human mind to convince itself of "facts" to justify what it wants to do, especially if that allows you to avoid being a bad person.
> 
> You would not be the first person, cheater or otherwise, to forget or misremember facts in such a way that lessens your guilt in doing something you know is wrong. It is a very human thing to do. Add the fog of the OM, and I would not be surprised if your mind supressed that memory.


Yep, this is what happens. The mind rewrites the history of the relationship so that the wayward can justify his/her actions and choices. It is self brain-washing of the highest level. I suspect that as Hunger comes out of the fog, many of her memories of the early days of their relationship will return.


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

CantSitStill said:


> I remember when we were in marriage counseling (during my EA) which I did not confess yet. I was asked my faults and couldn't come up with a thing so the counselor had Calvin write my faults. Man I was so in the fog that I still felt everything was his fault..weird the games your own mind plays when you're in the middle of an affair. Tomorrow is our first counseling session with a totally new counselor. Wish us luck that she can help us with all of the aftermath. The first session is always nervewracking.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I will be thinking about you... GOOD LUCK! :smthumbup:


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

So the beginning of this post sounds like a new thread because I was going to start one, but figured I might as well continue this one. 

So I have posted in the past few weeks about my infidelity and marriage and now here we are down to a final decision. I guess the reason why I am posting now is because I don’t know what to do or think. A little background is that I had an emotional affair which turned physical one time and now I am left to pick up all of the pieces I have broken. The problem is that although I am going about doing some things the right way I tend to fault on other things. I got into MC with my husband, IC for myself, and I have been reading TONS of books on the problem at hand, and training for a marathon to relieve my stress in a healthy manner. What I have faulted on his continuing an EA with this other man. I was so proud of myself for going a week and one time 2 weeks with no contact; and I always fault. I don’t carry a romantic conversation with this man and I don’t see him; I just have a very hard time not wanting to talk to this person just in general. I know it sounds sick but I give him great advice on life events he is going through and I as well. The times I was doing well by not talking to this other man I still felt the same about my husband, but I didn’t have the torn feeling of holding 2 relationships. Something would trigger me and I would make contact. 

Anyways…… the torment of trying to feel for my husband while living comfortably in our home and knowing that at times I was talking to this other man was unbearable and VERY unfair and disrespectful to my husband so I made myself leave. I obviously wasn’t strong enough or not caring enough to end that relationship to work on my marriage so I couldn’t keep torturing my husband. My husband also turned to drugs (the bad bad kind) to cope so I felt like both of us were doing the wrong things and not going anywhere. (Before I continue I just have to say that I am ready for harsh comments and expect the worst but I really just need to get out what has been going on.) So I left and I have been at my dad’s house right down the street for 3 nights. The first day I was gone I panicked because I feel like there is no turning back… I feel like our marriage is so deep in the crapper because of what I have done and because of the dysfunctional ways of coping and communicating that I don’t see anything getting better even if we do try the right way. So what I mean by panicked is I went online to washingtondivorceonline and I filed and paid the filing fee. (yes you can do this all online).. So yeah, that is all I did. Before filling out any documents regarding assets/property or whatever I just logged off and had a melt down. I know doing that was very irrational and I should have consulted with our counselor before making such a drastic life change. I can’t explain what happened…. I just had been driving around sad all day thinking and got home and did that out of pure panic. I just felt like we weren’t going anywhere and I felt guilty everyday causing my husband to hurt because of the unknown. I know I have some growing up to do as well as him. I guess I just felt like if we are going to separate and see if things get better by doing the right things than we will get back together and so be it…. However if we don’t after separating for a bit than we will have to file for divorce and in a way be wasting time with the separation. I don’t know. I know this is somewhat ridiculous reasoning, but with a little logic I guess. :/….. I am just very confused and wish I could know what will be. I just felt like I HAD to do something because I have been on the fence for 2 months. I now feel like I should have just stayed at where I was with us just giving each other space and time to figure things out but of course my sporadic stupid self had to proceed with more destructiveness. I am not really as cold-hearted as I may seem. Just sad and confused every day. 

Sooo, for the last 3 nights while staying at my dad’s house I have just done everything to wear myself out so that I can sleep at night. I ran 8 miles the first night, 6 the next, and biked 10 miles last night. I feel like all I can do right now is focus on me because obviously there is SOMETHING that is missing with me. By doing this it helps to get that sickly gut feeling out of my stomach and it helps me to focus and think about the situation at hand. I want my husband to be happy and he can’t be happy being with me or without me at this point. I make him miserable being at home; yet he is miserable when I am away as well. I guess besides just venting… I feel like I need to know if what I am doing is completely wrong. :/ I have this constant anxiety feeling deep in my gut but I can’t tell if it is because what I am doing is wrong, if it’s my guilt from what I have caused and continued to cause, or the fear of the unknown. I know nobody can tell me what I am feeling, but I guess some advice for my husband or I would help. He doesn’t take me seriously because of all of the hope he has, but I have very little hope because of the way we have dealt with everything. Lately at night in bed alone I have found myself thinking of good times and missing the comfort level of us just being us and I want to call him and comfort him, but I know I can’t do that right now because I would be creating more hope that I am not sure I should be giving at this point. I don’t want to continue to be selfish by relieving my guilt by making sure he is okay. The only thing is that he wants to call me 24-7 and gets upset if I don’t call him but I feel like in a way it is wrong to call him as much as I think about him right now. I feel like we both need to work on things and see what happens from there. 
I could keep going on and on but I feel like I am repeating myself. Besides doing what I did when I panicked, is it wrong to want space/separation as long as both continues to do the wrong things while “working” on our marriage? 

I know I dont deserve any more advice but any help would be greatly appreciated. 

Thanks.


----------



## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

So you filed for divorce correct? If so well then you have finally made your choice. You made your decision and that's good, you are being honest with yourself instead of fense sitting. I hate to say this but I knew you were gonna land up talking to the OM..just had that feeling. It is what it is. It's hard yes but you tried and were getting nowhere. Best of luck to you and prayers for your poor husband. You gotta agree with me that he doesn't deserve this. It's a horrible situation but looks like it's inevitable.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## skip76 (Aug 30, 2011)

i am not like your husband. i wil not give any more advice to you. you are not worth my time. i read your writing and it still reeks of self entitlment. i told you exactly what would happen, you blasted me, now it is happening. your husband only needs time away from you to heal. once he realizes what a drag on his life you were he will be a new man.


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

CantSitStill said:


> So you filed for divorce correct? If so well then you have finally made your choice. You made your decision and that's good, you are being honest with yourself instead of fense sitting. I hate to say this but I knew you were gonna land up talking to the OM..just had that feeling. It is what it is. It's hard yes but you tried and were getting nowhere. Best of luck to you and prayers for your poor husband. You gotta agree with me that he doesn't deserve this. It's a horrible situation but looks like it's inevitable.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I do agree with you. It is a VERY horrible situation. I don't know how to feel. The filing online was very irrational and I just did it because of the fence sitting. We talked about it and we are not going to move forward with anything until we continue with being separated and see how we feel then. :/


----------



## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

DO NOT give him any false hope... Hunger you know it's over.. go thru with the divorce..don't confuse him anymore. It sucks but too bad. You know it's not gonna work out. You cannot stop your addiction twords the OM. I would just end it now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Hunger,

I can't advise you as to how you feel. And I can't advise you regarding what your husband needs. Those are things that each of you has to address on his/her own. I can tell you that I believe you still have very strong feelings for your husband but your continued infatuation with the OM will never allow you to love him fully again. Like CSS, I had a feeling you would eventually contact the OM again and as long as he is in your head and heart there is no room for your husband.

I read a blog recently that talked about how many women have difficulty with the men in their lives. They want the security and affection that is show by the more "beta" type male but they feel very little attraction to them. They are attracted to the more "alpha" male who really doesn't need them and sometimes treats them badly but it just makes the infatuation grow even more.

Please read this article and especially note the comments from Annie James. Does this describe your dilemma at all?

HBO’s Girls Exposes Pretty Lies | Hooking Up Smart


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Haven't read all of the post's, sorry if its been mentioned before. But have you though about just quitting your job to totally remove OM from your life? Delete all the means of him contacting you? Its nearly impossible for you to pick yourself up with 2 men in your life.


----------



## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

As I told you in pm you need to work on yourself before being in a relationship with anyone..I really mean that.. You should never depend on anyone else for your own happiness because it wouldn't be fair to that peson..Continue IC and learn to find that happiness within yourself..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

keko said:


> Haven't read all of the post's, sorry if its been mentioned before. But have you though about just quitting your job to totally remove OM from your life? Delete all the means of him contacting you? Its nearly impossible for you to pick yourself up with 2 men in your life.


The OM does not work with me. He lives 3 hours away from my home. We met on a weekend retreat I had with my girlfriends. Just FYI. :/


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

CantSitStill said:


> DO NOT give him any false hope... Hunger you know it's over.. go thru with the divorce..don't confuse him anymore. It sucks but too bad. You know it's not gonna work out. You cannot stop your addiction twords the OM. I would just end it now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I DONT want to give him false hope whatsoever; this is the exact reason why I left. I am just so lost and confused and I hate myself for contacting the OM. I just wonder if I give it a month with NC and barely any contact with my H if I would feel differently.


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

CantSitStill said:


> DO NOT give him any false hope... Hunger you know it's over.. go thru with the divorce..don't confuse him anymore. It sucks but too bad. You know it's not gonna work out. You cannot stop your addiction twords the OM. I would just end it now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I just feel like parts of me can help but hold on... All the whats ifs. But I also know that is selfish. I should just let him go since obviously I am confused. I know that if it isn't right than I am the one that is going to have to live with the regret.


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> Hunger,
> 
> I can't advise you as to how you feel. And I can't advise you regarding what your husband needs. Those are things that each of you has to address on his/her own. I can tell you that I believe you still have very strong feelings for your husband but your continued infatuation with the OM will never allow you to love him fully again. Like CSS, I had a feeling you would eventually contact the OM again and as long as he is in your head and heart there is no room for your husband.
> 
> ...


I do have very strong feelings for my husband and I miss him at time, but I feel like reaching out is the WRONG thing to do. I want to hold on; yet I am afraid to cause more pain. I wish I had all the answers. 

I cant read the article right now because it is blocked but I will pull it up at home tonght and let you know.


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Hunger said:


> I DONT want to give him false hope whatsoever; this is the exact reason why I left. I am just so lost and confused and I hate myself for contacting the OM. I just wonder if I give it a month with NC and barely any contact with my H if I would feel differently.





Hunger said:


> I just feel like parts of me can help but hold on... All the whats ifs. But I also know that is selfish. I should just let him go since obviously I am confused. I know that if it isn't right than I am the one that is going to have to live with the regret.


You're thinking too much into it. Looks like your going with what your heart is saying rather then your head. OM used a married woman, that's all there is to it, if you looked at it that way it'll be easier for you to hate the OM and improve yourself. Not trying to hurt you, just want to add another perspective.


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Hunger said:


> I do have very strong feelings for my husband and I miss him at time, but I feel like reaching out is the WRONG thing to do. I want to hold on; yet I am afraid to cause more pain. I wish I had all the answers.
> 
> I cant read the article right now because it is blocked but I will pull it up at home tonght and let you know.


You *will* cause him more pain. The problem is that you can't stay faithful to him. No spouse should or can live like that. I will also tell you that your relationship with the OM is doomed anyway. But you already know that I'm sure. You might be confused but you are smart. You know there is no future with him and it will end badly. It always does.

Check out that article when you have a minute and see if it resonates with you. I know I found it intensely interesting.


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> Hunger,
> 
> I can't advise you as to how you feel. And I can't advise you regarding what your husband needs. Those are things that each of you has to address on his/her own. I can tell you that I believe you still have very strong feelings for your husband but your continued infatuation with the OM will never allow you to love him fully again. Like CSS, I had a feeling you would eventually contact the OM again and as long as he is in your head and heart there is no room for your husband.
> 
> ...


Comment from Annie James? Is it on the first page?


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

Oh nevermind Beowulf I see what you are talking about. I get the whole nice guy being a turn off which my Husband is FOR SURE a "nice guy"; however I have never been into jerks as a turn on. I dated one jerk a few times and it was a huge turn off and me being turned off by his behavior actually caused him to "fall in love" with me... so weird. I think it was because he was so use to the girls loving him because he treated them like crap. Yeah, not for me.


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

Tonight my husband is seeing the counselor and then I am in for an hour afterwards. Right now I feel sick to my stomach and feel like I want to cry. We will see what happens.


----------



## mychoice (Mar 31, 2012)

You're serious correct Hunger? Hunger is a good name for you.

You are driven by hunger rather than by loyalty, by conviction, or by integrity. It's all about how it all "feels".

I feel for your BS, he should not have to endure the likes of you.

Like in the "Bodyguard". You are Nikki Marin...you're not Rachel. She was just as much, a less commited woman. Great example. You're type deserves no such commitment.

Pitiful is all I can say...pitiful.


----------



## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

I just read your thread.

I think your biggest problem is lying. You lied to the good folks here on TAM telling them you had broken all contact off with the OM.

Well.

How are we to know you are not lying now? The OM may be sitting next to you while you are typing these posts. 

You need to tell your husband the truth, that you never gave up the OM and you have been stringing him along. Do something honest for once.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You are choosing the OM over your husband. 

And all it's costing is your husbands health and his soul. 

I don't have any advice for you other than you continue to make selfish choices and are wrongly choosing to continue you freaking affair. 

Life at home was hell because you were cintinuing to lie and cheat. No further fancy analysis is needed. Your selfish choices are entirely the cause of all of this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Hunger said:


> Oh nevermind Beowulf I see what you are talking about. I get the whole nice guy being a turn off which my Husband is FOR SURE a "nice guy"; however I have never been into jerks as a turn on. I dated one jerk a few times and it was a huge turn off and me being turned off by his behavior actually caused him to "fall in love" with me... so weird. I think it was because he was so use to the girls loving him because he treated them like crap. Yeah, not for me.


Your OM *is* a jerk. You don't see that?

This is exactly what is going on right now. You are waffling back and forth between the nice guy who literally worships the ground you walk on (husband) and the jerk who could care less about you personally and is only interested in the body part between your legs (OM). You are following the dual sexual strategy that leaves so many women alone and bitter because _MR. Right_ didn't fall into their laps. You need to take a long hard look in the mirror because what you're doing is not going to end well for you. Its already destroying your husband and you aren't going to be far behind.


----------



## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

God I feel sorry for your husband.The OM has "the connection" that is more important to you above all things so go and be with him.I suspect the reality won't stand up to the fantasy when you do.When you divorce then make it a clean break and leave your husband to heal in his own way and without you in the picture at all.I feel bad for you in a way because I think if you don't change you'll always be on the chase,living a life unfulfilled,looking for that thing that is missing.In time your husband will heal,meet someone who truly loves him,have a family and a happier life and you'll just be a fading memory to him.If you love him as you say then this is the very least you could wish for him in my opinion.Maybe you can take some solace in that.Hope you find your way.


----------



## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

This is as I expected all along, you were rationalizing your behaviour from the onset, no chemicals or anyother mumbojumbo. You were bailing a sinking ship with a bucket because fundamentally you were not compatible with your husband. I'm glad you filed for divorce, I just hope he doesn't get hooked on whatever drug your betrayal made him get on.


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

spudster said:


> I just read your thread.
> 
> I think your biggest problem is lying. You lied to the good folks here on TAM telling them you had broken all contact off with the OM.
> 
> ...


I have been honest on TAM. There was a week and one time 2 weeks where I was posting several times that I was in NC with the OM hence the postings; yet I would fault and quit posting out of guilt and shame. My husband knows that I have struggled to let go of the OM. He can tell when I am in NC I act different and happier about working on things and when I am in contact I am down/depressed/confused and hate myself. :/ This is why I HAD to leave.


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

Complexity said:


> This is as I expected all along, you were rationalizing your behaviour from the onset, no chemicals or anyother mumbojumbo. You were bailing a sinking ship with a bucket because fundamentally you were not compatible with your husband. I'm glad you filed for divorce, I just hope he doesn't get hooked on whatever drug your betrayal made him get on.


Me too. :/


----------



## betamale (Apr 25, 2012)

(sorry for the grammar, I'm not from any anglo-saxon country) Hunger, your problem isn't the affair nor the divorce, your mistake was getting married to somebody that you didn't love. He was pushy but you let him push you to the altar. I believe that you only cared about his looks without knowing him. 

Don't worry about your ex husband though, if he is really that handsome (and young) women will chase him more than they did before he met you. They'll treat him like a sick puppy and since he's needy he'll fall sooner than later. Don't blame yourself for not being in love with him, that's not really your problem.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Each one of us is responsible for his/her actions. You are responsible for your affair with another man and your husband is responsible for his affair with drugs. So far it seems only one is owning up to her crap.


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

betamale said:


> (sorry for the grammar, I'm not from any anglo-saxon country) Hunger, your problem isn't the affair nor the divorce, your mistake was getting married to somebody that you didn't love. He was pushy but you let him push you to the altar. I believe that you only cared about his looks without knowing him.
> 
> Don't worry about your ex husband though, if he is really that handsome (and young) women will chase him more than they did before he met you. They'll treat him like a sick puppy and since he's needy he'll fall sooner than later. Don't blame yourself for not being in love with him, that's not really your problem.


Hmmm.... Do i know you? you signed up today and only left one comment on my thread.. hmmmmm.


----------



## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

Hunger said:


> Hmmm.... Do i know you? you signed up today and only left one comment on my thread.. hmmmmm.


Heh, heh.

You must have told your other man you were posting on this site, or he was there with you when you wrote today's posts.


----------



## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Oh my gosh! what?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## betamale (Apr 25, 2012)

Hunger said:


> Hmmm.... Do i know you? you signed up today and only left one comment on my thread.. hmmmmm.


I don't believe that we have ever met. I read the whole story and noted that the title of your post ends with "Feedback encouraged". Did you mean it?


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Hunger said:


> Hmmm.... Do i know you? you signed up today and only left one comment on my thread.. hmmmmm.


Certainly sounds like something the OM would say to discourage Hunger from trying to reconcile with her husband.


----------



## betamale (Apr 25, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> Certainly sounds like something the OM would say to discourage Hunger from trying to reconcile with her husband.


Dude, I live in South America. Ask the admin if my IP is from the U.S. before accusing me of being OM. 

Everybody likes a happy ending but she never loved her husband and she doesn't even sound like she's missing him and probably the only reason why Hunger is sticking to OM is because she doesn't want to be with her husband. As soon as the husband moves on, the OM wont look that challenging anymore.


----------



## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Where I can see where Beowulf is coming from I think the same thing should happen to Hunger as it did with HH's wife. 

She needs to go be with the OM then see him for the scumbag that he truly is and then decide if she made the right decision. 

I think what Hunger doesn't realize is just how low men who mess with married women are considered to us guys, there's alot more to him than he's letting on and she will surely find this out. 

Hopefully by the time this all said and done Hunger would've learnt a valuable life lesson, her husband would've gotten his sh!t together and found someone that will adore him just as much as he adores Hunger.


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

spudster said:


> Heh, heh.
> 
> You must have told your other man you were posting on this site, or he was there with you when you wrote today's posts.


What?? No i didnt.


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

CantSitStill said:


> Oh my gosh! what?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


lol.. no no no. That is not the OM. I just thought by the way the guy posted that he knew me personally. That is all. Deep breathe. ;-)


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

betamale said:


> I don't believe that we have ever met. I read the whole story and noted that the title of your post ends with "Feedback encouraged". Did you mean it?


I know you are not the OM. Sorry for the confusion. I did ask for feedback. Thank you.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

So Hunger....

Do you have a contingency plan when hour husband ODs?


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

Complexity said:


> Where I can see where Beowulf is coming from I think the same thing should happen to Hunger as it did with HH's wife.
> 
> She needs to go be with the OM then see him for the scumbag that he truly is and then decide if she made the right decision.
> 
> ...


The last thing I want is for my H to stand by while I self-destruct by having no control over the situation. I removed myself from our home and filed for divorce because I am aware that I have been sitting on the fence. The reason why I did this is because I love my H. It may not be the type of love between a H and W and it is very tragic that I went through with a marriage without realizing this completely, but I know I love him. All I think about is how he is feeling and I want to hold him and comfort him and tell him that everything is going to be alright, but I dont know that and although right now he thinks that is what he needs; its not by any means and I can't continue to give him false hope. I hope you are right when you that you hope my H finds someone that adores him just as much as he adores me. All I want is for him to be truly happy.


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> So Hunger....
> 
> Do you have a contingency plan when hour husband ODs?


OD's?


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Overdoses and dies.


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Overdoses and dies.


Bandit I dont even know how to answer this. Not sure what you are looking for........... ?


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Because if he does, at that second all your confusion about how you feel for him will clear away like a mist in the breeze. 

I hope it doesn't come to that for you to realize how you truly feel about him. 

I don't know where I'm going with it either. Just food for thought.


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Because if he does, at that second all your confusion about how you feel for him will clear away like a mist in the breeze.
> 
> I hope it doesn't come to that for you to realize how you truly feel about him.
> 
> I don't know where I'm going with it either. Just food for thought.


I do have something to say... but hold that food for though. I will be back in an hour.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You keep saying how much you want your husband to be happy.

Yet you keep choosing the choices that bring him pain and suffering.

So your claims are proven to be lies by your actions,

And you are attracted to the POSOM. Seriously what is wrong with you? You got a great guy who loves you, and you choose a scumbag who happily cheats with a married woman. Well we know you share the same values of the OM, you've got that in common.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Hunger said:


> I do have something to say... but hold that food for though. I will be back in an hour.


???


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Complexity said:


> Where I can see where Beowulf is coming from I think the same thing should happen to Hunger as it did with HH's wife.
> 
> She needs to go be with the OM then see him for the scumbag that he truly is and then decide if she made the right decision.
> 
> ...


The OM is a scumbag but she doesn't see it. She is doing what many women of today do. She's with a guy who loves her and worships the ground she walks on and her response is to walk all over him. Then she hooks up with a guy who doesn't care one damn thing about her and she's willing to throw away her marriage because she can't stay away from the a$$hole. Funny thing is she's justifying her actions by saying she loves her husband and doesn't want to hurt him. Yet that's exactly what she keeps doing. Unfortunately its an all too common story. Just like I said to her in her original thread, someday she will look back on this period of time and it will make her sick to realize what she gave up due to her own selfishness and stupidity. I had hoped she was smarter than that but I guess not.


----------



## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> The OM is a scumbag but she doesn't see it. She is doing what many women of today do. She's with a guy who loves her and worships the ground she walks on and her response is to walk all over him. Then she hooks up with a guy who doesn't care one damn thing about her and she's willing to throw away her marriage because she can't stay away from the a$$hole. Funny thing is she's justifying her actions by saying she loves her husband and doesn't want to hurt him. Yet that's exactly what she keeps doing. Unfortunately its an all too common story. Just like I said to her in her original thread, someday she will look back on this period of time and it will make her sick to realize what she gave up due to her own selfishness and stupidity. I had hoped she was smarter than that but I guess not.


Precisely, I think it's pretty strange character flaw women have. They're attracted to men who treat them like sh!t and have nothing but disdain for "nice guys". It must be something built in them as you often hear of their attraction to "bad boys" all the way from their teenage years and now it's this whole Alpha/Beta malarky. Consequently they proceed to ***** and moan about how bad their husband/boyfriend is treating them he's abusive,neglectful prolific cheater etc. I guess the old saying might be true- "treat em' mean, keep em' keen". 

I can almost guarantee if Hunger develops a relationship with this guy, he'll step out on her as she did on her husband and she'll truly know the meaning of being worthless. Also Hunger, this man will never trust you or fall in love with you (despite all the BS he might say to get into your pants) because he's seen what you're capable of visa-vie your husband .

Who cares anyway, in the long run people reap what they sow and her husband will eventually find someone. Hunger however? well the guy with the "nice eyes" will take care of her.....


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Where did Hunger go?


----------



## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

with OM?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Yep. Guess we set her off.


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

She'll be back, just needs a little dose of reality by the OM.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Hope her husband doesn't end up on the slab from an O.D.


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Initially I really thought she had a chance to recover her marriage. But she fell like so many other fall. It's sad. Worse for her husband. I really feel bad about the entire situation. Its so damned unnecessary.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> Initially I really thought she had a chance to recover her marriage. But she fell like so many other fall. It's sad. Worse for her husband. I really feel bad about the entire situation. Its so damned unnecessary.


Agreed. But she didn't seem to me to be grounded in reality at all.

THE FOG.....


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

I am here.


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

Just haven't had anything to say. My situation is sad but we are moving forward with our lives.


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Hunger said:


> Just haven't had anything to say. My situation is sad but we are moving forward with our lives.


Glad you're still with us. However things work out I just want you to know that Morrigan I are praying for both you and your husband.


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> Glad you're still with us. However things work out I just want you to know that Morrigan I are praying for both you and your husband.


Thank you. I appreciate all of the help before. Some of the things written recently have really hit a soft spot because it is so easy for people to speculate from their own experiences. Although I understand the psychology; all of our situations are unique and not one person can truly understand what is going on inside my head. 

I also don’t get the being attracted to guys that treat me like sh!t talk. No one is treating me bad and I have never been attracted to the “bad boys”.


----------



## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Hunger said:


> Just haven't had anything to say. My situation is sad but we are moving forward with our lives.


You and ?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

calvin said:


> You and ?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My husband and I.


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

I have moved out and we are going through with the divorce.


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Hunger said:


> Thank you. I appreciate all of the help before. Some of the things written recently have really hit a soft spot because it is so easy for people to speculate from their own experiences. Although I understand the psychology; all of our situations are unique and not one person can truly understand what is going on inside my head.
> 
> I also don’t get the being attracted to guys that treat me like sh!t talk. No one is treating me bad and I have never been attracted to the “bad boys”.


You misunderstand what is meant by bad boys. The OM is not a good person. He knew you were married and manipulated the situation to his benefit. He used you for his sexual gratification and cares nothing about you other than what he can get from you. He is a bad boy and by sexually exploiting you and destroying your marriage he is treating you badly.

Hunger, this is the way of the new world. This is the new reality. Bad boys don't wear leather jackets and grease their hair. They wear suits and ties or T-shirts and jeans. They don't drive motorcycles. They drive Volvos and Volkswagens. They don't grab you by the hair and toss you around. They sweet talk you and coerce your panties off. Your OM is a new world bad boy and the fact that you don't see it shows me that you are still heavily fog bound.


----------



## skip76 (Aug 30, 2011)

If you had a time machine what would you go back and do differently?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> You misunderstand what is meant by bad boys. The OM is not a good person. He knew you were married and manipulated the situation to his benefit. He used you for his sexual gratification and cares nothing about you other than what he can get from you. He is a bad boy and by sexually exploiting you and destroying your marriage he is treating you badly.
> 
> Hunger, this is the way of the new world. This is the new reality. Bad boys don't wear leather jackets and grease their hair. They wear suits and ties or T-shirts and jeans. They don't drive motorcycles. They drive Volvos and Volkswagens. They don't grab you by the hair and toss you around. They sweet talk you and coerce your panties off. Your OM is a new world bad boy and the fact that you don't see it shows me that you are still heavily fog bound.



I get this and I can see this happening to someone in my situation but this is not what is happening. The OM not once reached out to me. I was the one that initiated everyone because obviously there is a need inside me that is not being met that I was trying to fulfill.


----------



## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Hunger said:


> Thank you. I appreciate all of the help before. Some of the things written recently have really hit a soft spot because it is so easy for people to speculate from their own experiences. Although I understand the psychology; all of our situations are unique and not one person can truly understand what is going on inside my head.
> 
> I also don’t get the being attracted to guys that treat me like sh!t talk. No one is treating me bad and I have never been attracted to the “bad boys”.


No Hunger, the bad boy reference wasn't directed to you personally I was speaking in general. The man you cheated with is a sleazebag, there's nothing more to it. The ironic thing is that you were the one that actively pursued this guy, you consciously sought out to sleep with him. Subconsciously this was your exit affair. 

If that man in one month can destroy everything your husband gave you for 5 years what hope is there really? If he can sleep with you within a month and this despite the fact him knowing that you're married, do you really think he places much worth on you as a trustworthy, loving potential partner? I know how guys think Hunger, despite all the BS he feeds you, he just considers you a mere conquest. Down the line your affair will be something he'll brag about to his buddies, just a trophy of his sexual prowess. 

None of this matters of course and *I'm not* saying any of it to snap you out of the so called "fog" and make you get back with your husband. I actually think your husband needs to find a better spouse. Just a word of advice though, they cheat with you, they'll cheat on you. Let's hope you never experience what you put your husband through.


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

skip76 said:


> If you had a time machine what would you go back and do differently?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I would have listened to what my heart was telling me before I got married. I would have focused on what these doubts were and deal with them then. I hate that meeting someone else is what brough the issues to the surface. I wish it would have happened any other way.


----------



## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

As I didn't understand at first, hunger doesn't get it yet as for the OM being a "bad boy" She persued him..well i did too but a gentleman would back the hell off..I thought my OM was being a gentleman because he never tried to have any sexual encounter with me...luckily my husband learned from this site and he did everything right. He is the reason I get and understand that it wasnt just me but the OMs fault too. I cannot thank you all so much for having Calvin do the 180 and tough love because it's how I came around and out of the fog.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

CantSitStill said:


> As I didn't understand at first, hunger doesn't get it yet as for the OM being a "bad boy" She persued him..well i did too but a gentleman would back the hell off..I thought my OM was being a gentleman because he never tried to have any sexual encounter with me...luckily my husband learned from this site and he did everything right. He is the reason I get and understand that it wasnt just me but the OMs fault too. I cannot thank you all so much for having Calvin do the 180 and tough love because it's how I came around and out of the fog.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You're right, she doesn't see the OM as a bad boy. She thinks that because she pursued him that takes him off the hook. She doesn't get that these guys don't have to pursue the women they want. They manipulate them into being the pursuers. There are so many blogs on the subject. This guy set up the entire situation with that first conversation. He got her so juiced up for him that all he had to do was sit back and wait for her to come to him. That's how its done in this new world.

That's why I wish Hunger's husband was on here so we could help him. No offense to Hunger but she is so deep in the fog I don't think there is much we can say to help. The things a BS has to do to pull the WS out of the fog is so counter intuitive that many don't do it. Calvin loved you so much he walked through emotional fire for you. You're very fortunate to have him. And I know you know that. You guys are going to have a great life together and a long happy marriage. I wish everyone could be as fortunate.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I can't help but feel hungers whole agenda has been to spin her husbands wheels just long enough that she can dispelling future questions about how awfully she dealt with him by saying she tried.

I don't get any sense of trying, I only get the sense of killing time and that decision was made long before.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Hunger said:


> I have moved out and we are going through with the divorce.


I think only you are. He's not. Especially when you consider the trash the OM you chose over him. Emotionally destroyed and humiliated all at once.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Well they have only been married for 7 months so I cannot relate since ive been married 20yrs but Beowulf is right about the OM saying the right things "wrong" and sitting back knowing he has her
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

Yesterday I got off work and went to our home to pick up my bed, clothes, and a few other things. I moved into a room at a friend’s house in the same little city we live in. She is an ex-coworker and took me in with no rent as long as I pay the house bills while my H and I figure out our situation. Still talking to the OM but I know deep down it is killing me. Well I go through stages. When I see my husband we keep hysterically crying and holding each other and then when I leave I feel okay until I start talking to the OM. When I see the OM the intense bonding between the two of us is hard to overlook; however when I am away I feel sick to my stomach every day. I find myself having to step out of work every once in a while because I start bawling. My H is calling me almost hourly crying and begging me to come home and I answer and cry with him. I actually called him this morning on the way to work bawling because I am so scared and worried about him. I am also living with a tremendous amount of guilt and pain for what I have done and still doing. My heart hurts so deep for my H right now and I feel like I can’t do anything about it. I could stay and focus on our marriage but a part of me feels like that wouldn’t be fair for him because I feel like I am going to continue to hurt him. This is what I mean by stages. There hasn’t been one time I have been fully focused on reconciliation. My heart and mind has always been with the OM and I wish that it would stop. I even feel an obsessiveness about the OM. I guess this is the addiction. I know that the advice on here is usually for BS and I understand. I just have no one to talk to and don’t know what to do with all of this pain I have caused. I want to cry and tell my H how sorry I am every minute of every day. I guess I am also scared about everything right now. I am scared that everything that I am doing is wrong. I feel like I am so stuck and I can’t move. I can clearly see that what I am doing is killing my H, myself, and my family and I don’t stop. I feel insane. I just want to drink at night so I can fall asleep and I can barely function at work. I feel like EVERYTHING I am doing is wrong.  I guess I just need help with stopping. I don’t know how to on my own. I wonder if there is truly something completely wrong with me and this is why this happened. I don’t know what I am trying to say but I know I must sound completely and utterly pathetic.


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

At times I have thought about hurting myself because I feel so lost and utterly torn but I know I never would.  I cant explain it... I wish this never would have happened because I broke everyone's hearts.


----------



## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

You need to get in with a therapist immediatly, if the one you have isn't helping find another one..You need help in figuring out why you feel the way you do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

CantSitStill said:


> You need to get in with a therapist immediatly, if the one you have isn't helping find another one..You need help in figuring out why you feel the way you do.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I will call after work and see if I can see someone tomorrow. I called the OM today and told him I can never speak to him because it is killing me inside, killing my H, and my family. He said that he supports that decision. I am going to dinner with my Dad tonight to talk. I felt a little bit of relief after telling the OM no more but I have felt this way before and it didn't stop me. I have to be stronger this time and pray A LOT. My H knows that this entire time I was talking to the OM and he will still begging me to come home because he is so hurt, sad, and lonely without me there. I dont feel like I should go home just yet because I dont trust myself at this point, but maybe I should. I dont know. I feel like as long as I dont talk to the OM which I know HAS to happen or I will probably kill myself than I will be able to think clearly about the entire situation. That thought gives me a hope. :/ Feel like such a cold person which I know I am not... Just torn and not thinking with my head; only my heart. I have to force myself to only think logically from now on or at least until things get figured out.


----------



## TorontoBoyWest (May 1, 2012)

Hunger said:


> I will call after work and see if I can see someone tomorrow. I called the OM today and told him I can never speak to him because it is killing me inside, killing my H, and my family. He said that he supports that decision. I am going to dinner with my Dad tonight to talk. I felt a little bit of relief after telling the OM no more but I have felt this way before and it didn't stop me. I have to be stronger this time and pray A LOT. My H knows that this entire time I was talking to the OM and he will still begging me to come home because he is so hurt, sad, and lonely without me there. I dont feel like I should go home just yet because I dont trust myself at this point, but maybe I should. I dont know. I feel like as long as I dont talk to the OM which I know HAS to happen or I will probably kill myself than I will be able to think clearly about the entire situation. That thought gives me a hope. :/ Feel like such a cold person which I know I am not... Just torn and not thinking with my head; only my heart. I have to force myself to only think logically from now on or at least until things get figured out.


I agree with CSS. You need a therapist. These thoughts you are having are not healthy at all.

If anything else, you also need to commit to NC with OM. Not for your marriage, but for you.


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

TorontoBoyWest said:


> I agree with CSS. You need a therapist. These thoughts you are having are not healthy at all.
> 
> If anything else, you also need to commit to NC with OM. Not for your marriage, but for you.


I know I am having these thoughts because of all of the pain I continue to cause. I agree, I have to commit to NC with the OM for everyone involved. I can't live with myself knowing I am talking to the OM and sacrificing my H's heart in the process.


----------



## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Hunger after not talking to the OM for 6 wks it will get easier, you WILL be able to go on with your life without him. Remember he is no good for you and remember all of his faults.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

curious how long was the longest you did NC with OM?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Give your husband your phone to keep.

Do you know the OM number from memory or is it a speed dial. Get these people to help to get through withdrawal,

And go see a therapists they can possible prescribe something to help you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Why not hire a helicopter pilot to dump you off on a desert island?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Why not hire a helicopter pilot to dump you off on a desert island?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sounds like the only way she'll stop : - ) too funny
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

She acts like a junkie. Probably why she was attracted to her husband in the first place.

They both have addictive personalities.


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

CantSitStill said:


> curious how long was the longest you did NC with OM?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


2 weeks at one point.


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Give your husband your phone to keep.
> 
> Do you know the OM number from memory or is it a speed dial. Get these people to help to get through withdrawal,
> 
> ...


Well my Dad is keeping me accountable with my phone records because I am on his plan and he also has me on GPS since we have iphones. I know the OM's number my heart. I can get through these withdrawls knowing that it is the best thing for my H rather we are together or not once all of this subsides. I may see a doctor about possibly getting anti-depressents or something. Thanks.


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> She acts like a junkie. Probably why she was attracted to her husband in the first place.
> 
> They both have addictive personalities.


I certaintly feel like a junkie right now. Don't get me wrong I am not getting wasted everynight or anything of that sort. I had some drinks on Sunday night with a girlfriend but that was it. I just said that is what I want to do everynight to fall alsleep but I dont. Instead I work out and wear myself out. Last night was the first night I slept for over 7 hours. I guess I felt some relief in telling the OM I can NEVER speak to him again and then my H came over to the house I am staying at and we sat up and talked for a few hours and at one point went to the store to get some food. My counselor thinks that at this point it is okay if maybe at times we lean on each other a bit as a healing process as long as I am not giving false hope at this moment because I dont know waht will happen, I am not talking to the OM, and he is not turning to the drugs. 

Yeah maybe that is why my husband and I found each other.... our addictive personalities. Who knows.


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

CantSitStill said:


> Hunger after not talking to the OM for 6 wks it will get easier, you WILL be able to go on with your life without him. Remember he is no good for you and remember all of his faults.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks sweetie. I hope you are right.


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

Also, betamale was right when he said that my H has no shame being clingy. I guess this is why I have been holding on so much. Every time I talk to him he is crying and can't compose himself. I just want to take care of him and tell him everything is going to be okay. I have never been married before but I have had my heart broken over another person so I understand the being betrayed feelings. It is unbelievably excruciating. I went to dinner with my Dad last night before the H came over to the house I am staying at and he was telling me that he thinks my H is completely out of control right now. He is missing tons of work and coping with the pills. When I am at work he calls me constantly and if there comes a time we are together he is constantly trying to hold my hand and touch my face and everything. I feel like it pushes me away at times because I don’t have those feelings right now. I hate that I am saying that but it is true. I disconnected and now I am trying to figure out what I really want. I don’t know if by talking to my H whenever he wants or by letting him come over when he wants to talk is healthy but I do know that it makes him feel better and I just want him to be happy. I don’t tell him things like let’s work on everything or give him false hope in any ways…. I am being very cautious about that. On the other hand I feel like I have a wall up as well. All I know right now is that I can’t have any contact with the OM and be able to think clearly. I feel that is the right thing to do. I also feel like it is okay to be out of the house for now as long as I am focusing on what is going on and not being self-destructive in any ways. I guess I don’t know what I am trying to say……….


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

Okay one more thing.......... Since my H and I are in agreement that we don't know what the future will bring and I am not at a point where I can say my heart is into a true reconciliation.... however we know that we both need to work on ourselves and be happy for ourselves....

Do you any of you have any guidelines or maybe things that may help in a separation situation? 

Also, as a brief reminder... I do not feel like I love my husband the way he deserves to be love and I am not living at our home. I am committed to NC with the OM and working on myself while being there for my H when he needs for me to be. I have hope that following through with these commitments will shed some light to our situation or if anything help us to feel better in the future.


----------



## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

You definately need more than 2 weeks to get your head clear, I really can't give u much advice from here, thank God for therapists.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

CantSitStill said:


> You definately need more than 2 weeks to get your head clear, I really can't give u much advice from here, thank God for therapists.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah I know 2 weeks is NOT enough. I have hope that little contact with H and NC with OM will help since I am not living at home anymore. :\


----------



## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Of course he's missing tons of work,so did I!
YOU are the one to hold yourself accountable,NOT DADDY.I've read through all your threads,all I hear is me,me,me,me,me,me,me,me,me,me.
You appear to be self centered and spoiled.
His heart is not something to toy with.You want sympathy,understanding.And you lied about the lenght of time you contacted OM.

You cried yourself to sleep?Give me a break.Your hubby is going to OD and you still want to play high school games.Grow up and do the right thing and leave him alone,you already said you dont love him as a husband.If you feel bad for him put him on TAMs where these good folks will help him.
Lose the saftey net and go with the other man,you always have daddy to fall back on for $.
What comes around goes around,someone will break your heart and not give a sh!t sooner or later.What youre doing is torture.
I used to think you got off to this,now I know you do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## skip76 (Aug 30, 2011)

calvin said:


> Of course he's missing tons of work,so did I!
> YOU are the one to hold yourself accountable,NOT DADDY.I've read through all your threads,all I hear is me,me,me,me,me,me,me,me,me,me.
> You appear to be self centered and spoiled.
> His heart is not something to toy with.You want sympathy,understanding.And you lied about the lenght of time you contacted OM.
> ...


Agreed. Time to put up or shut up. You said you want to help your husband. He will obviously do whatever you ask. Then tell him he needs to post here. The advice we will give him will change his life. You will also find him more attractive after his transformation. After we open his eyes he prob would not want you but this is for him not you right.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

calvin said:


> Of course he's missing tons of work,so did I!
> YOU are the one to hold yourself accountable,NOT DADDY.I've read through all your threads,all I hear is me,me,me,me,me,me,me,me,me,me.
> You appear to be self centered and spoiled.
> His heart is not something to toy with.You want sympathy,understanding.And you lied about the lenght of time you contacted OM.
> ...


Her husband has serious co dependency issues and a total Beta complex. He's probably the "giver" in the relationship


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Complexity said:


> Her husband has serious co dependency issues and a total Beta complex. He's probably the "giver" in the relationship


I really wish Hunger would send him here. It would certainly help him and who knows, maybe in a way her as well.


----------



## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> I really wish Hunger would send him here. It would certainly help him and who knows, maybe in a way her as well.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

But she will never bring him here, I dont think that she will wish to loose her cuckold/doormat.

But IDK How can a man degrade himself like this?


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

I have told him about TAM and said he should check it out but he never will. He doesn't use computers.


----------



## skip76 (Aug 30, 2011)

Hunger said:


> I have told him about TAM and said he should check it out but he never will. He doesn't use computers.


i love it when i see these statements. i can't, he won't, i don't have the time, what about the kids? You could, you will, you found the time and came up with solutions to lie and cheat. i think you can figure out a way to get him on here. You complian you have all day to think, well spend that thinking of how to get him on here. you say he is crying all the time and is begging for you back after cheating on him because you are all that but you can't get him to check out a web site.


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

skip76 said:


> i love it when i see these statements. i can't, he won't, i don't have the time, what about the kids? You could, you will, you found the time and came up with solutions to lie and cheat. i think you can figure out a way to get him on here. You complian you have all day to think, well spend that thinking of how to get him on here. you say he is crying all the time and is begging for you back after cheating on him because you are all that but you can't get him to check out a web site.


Okay I will try harder. The problem is that I have the internet at work and he doesnt have the internet at home or at work. I have talked to him about TAM constantly, but he doesn't seem to be interested and honestly I just can't see him ever posting anything, though I would love for him to.


----------



## betamale (Apr 25, 2012)

What your (ex) husband really needs is a big shot of serotonin. The only way for him to get it is by exercising a lot. Healthy Mind, Healthy Body.


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

betamale said:


> What your (ex) husband really needs is a big shot of serotonin. The only way for him to get it is by exercising a lot. Healthy Mind, Healthy Body.


He is a very physically demanding job so he pretty much gets a work out everyday. Just saying.


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

skip76 said:


> i love it when i see these statements. i can't, he won't, i don't have the time, what about the kids? You could, you will, you found the time and came up with solutions to lie and cheat. i think you can figure out a way to get him on here. You complian you have all day to think, well spend that thinking of how to get him on here. you say he is crying all the time and is begging for you back after cheating on him because you are all that but you can't get him to check out a web site.


Seriously? She can't MAKE him come here. Not all people want to air out their problems on the internet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I'm sick of this....

The problem is not the husband. Hunger is the problem. 

She married a man whom she did not love to begin with and was not compatible with, cheated on him, and is now torn between her obvious love feelings for the OM and some twisted sense of loyalty to her husband who she likes alot but does not love one iota.

Hunger, get a damn divorce and quit torturing the poor man! 

What the hell is the matter with you?


----------



## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Hunger it's to the point where no matter how much you hate it and no matter how hard it is, it is time for you to make your own decisions. Not sure this site can help you any more. No one is going to decide for you. It's called growing up. Yep growing up sucks but you have no choice. So glad you do not have any children at this time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> I'm sick of this....
> 
> The problem is not the husband. Hunger is the problem.
> 
> ...


Agreed.


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

I am letting him go.


----------



## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Hunger said:


> I am letting him go.



Who are you letting go, your husband or the OM? or both?


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> Who are you letting go, your husband or the OM? or both?


Both hopefully.


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

Eli-Zor said:


> Who are you letting go, your husband or the OM? or both?


Both.


----------



## TorontoBoyWest (May 1, 2012)

Hunger said:


> Both.


Good first step Hunger.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Lets see if she can walk her talk. 

I think she's done with hubby, but not her obsession.


----------



## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Yup,bs alarm is going off big time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Maybe OM is a chopper pilot and they went to junkie island.Life is a fantasy for some
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

So Hunger anything new going on? Did you decide yet whether or not to divorce?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

It's just that the longer you hold on the more it's gonna hurt.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

CantSitStill said:


> So Hunger anything new going on? Did you decide yet whether or not to divorce?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My husband wont let me move forward with anything right now. He isn't contacting me but when we do talk he is in denial and doesnt want to talk about anything having to do with moving forward. We both get very emotional when we talk as well. Its tough.  Sad story.


----------



## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

I really really wish your husband would wake up. Wish he'd read this site and get counseling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

CantSitStill said:


> I really really wish your husband would wake up. Wish he'd read this site and get counseling.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I do as well for his sake. I do care about him as a person very much and miss the good times, but honestly I don't feel like there is any going back. I know I love him because it hurts me deeply to see him like this and especially to know that I caused this. We were so comfortable and for the most party happy before sh!t hit the fan.


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

Just thinking now.....

I find it very difficult to not call or want to see him as well because I want to make things right and in my twisted thinking I just want to baby him to try and make him feel better; but I know I can't because he gets so sad when he sees me or talks to me. I guess a part of me wonders if I am just being selfish and wanting to satisfy my guilt by talking to him or if I just miss him. I am still holding on to both and it is killing me. I just need to get help because obviously something is wrong with me. :/


----------



## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

You are trying to sit on two chairs. Get help and cut the guy loose.


----------



## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Yeah,somethings wrong alright.You dont have a heart.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Hunger are you sexually attracted to your husband? If you miss his friendship but don't want him sexually then I don't know unless you try MC but looks doubtful and you must get rid of the OM totally
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

What is it about your husband that is holding you back..what is it really..you gotta get honest with yourself if you wanna fix it
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

calvin said:


> Yeah,somethings wrong alright.You dont have a heart.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yup I feel the same way.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Have you selpt with the OM since splitting with your husband? Are you still in contact with him?


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

I am not sexually attracted to him, but definitely miss the friendship. We were pretty much ALWAYS together so I am torn with not knowing if I truly miss him or miss being with someone. He has always been very attentive towards me and my feelings. At times I would say too much because I am not one to respond well to clinginess. This goes back to the co-dependence. Counselor thinks we are both highly co-dependent. Okay off subject…. I think what keeps me holding on is the “what ifs” and the fact that I worry about him.

I know what I continue to do is WRONG WRONG WRONG and not only because it is morally wrong; but because I feel in my heart that it is. I feel like it is all wrong. I also think the only reason why I am holding onto the OM is because of the loneliness. I also leaned on him when this all started and he is a great communicator so when I try not talking to him I get triggered easily when any type of emotions, but happiness creep along… so I make contact and feel better & worst at the same time. Never ending vicious cycle. I feel very weak in this situation and I am not use to feeling this way. I am a very strong woman and like to have control of everything in my life & honestly I know this sounds crazy, but I feel like I can’t control myself AT ALL with the OM and the entire situation. He is not even all that! He is PLENTY of problems himself. I can clearly see these things and am still completely lost in him. I don’t get it… so goes to back to I must be completely insane. 

I even hate posting on here because I feel like it is just more people that I am letting down. :/


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

Oh sorry canitstill that above comment was in response to yours.


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Have you selpt with the OM since splitting with your husband? Are you still in contact with him?


Yes and yes. I knowwww I knowwww. 

I didn't come on here asking for advice; I already know. I just wanted to respond to cansitstill. Sorry for the bad news. :/


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

Maybe a part of me has just given up so easily as well because I know nothing could ever go back to "normal".


----------



## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

You are not letting anyone on here down, you are letting your husband down.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

There must be something you're getting out of it, even if it's hard to admit. Drama? Manipulating two men? Humiliating your husband from some deep resentment?

You don't have to tell it to us here. But do some soul-searching for everyone's sake.


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I had a feeling you would contact the OM again from the first thread you started under your other name. What you are doing to your H now is absolutely atrocious. You don't need him to get a divorce, a judge will sign off if he won't. I'm truly not trying to mean as I am damn sure not one to cast stones but, you are being totally callous in regards to your H. I feel so terribly sorry for that man.


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Hunger said:


> Yes and yes.


It seems you really like the OM. Ditch your husband and be with OM. You'll be much happier.


----------



## TorontoBoyWest (May 1, 2012)

Hunger said:


> Yes and yes. I knowwww I knowwww.
> 
> I didn't come on here asking for advice; I already know. I just wanted to respond to cansitstill. Sorry for the bad news. :/


Hunger I am sorry but the fact that you are stringing your H along and then flopping on your back for the POSOM is disgusting.

You knowing it is wrong and still doing it is shameful, and you really need to grow up and move on.

Enough is enough.

Do you realize how despicable this sounds?


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

I know I am in deep and eventually something has to give. For a while there I thought about just posting on here daily so that I can be accountable, but that didnt happen. I feel so hopeless. I find myself at times really trying to give it an honest try and than I give up so easily. I need to figure out why. :/


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

TorontoBoyWest said:


> Hunger I am sorry but the fact that you are stringing your H along and then flopping on your back for the POSOM is disgusting.
> 
> You knowing it is wrong and still doing it is shameful, and you really need to grow up and move on.
> 
> ...


Yup you are right and I do know how despicable what I am doing is.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Well that's it for me. I'm gone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TorontoBoyWest (May 1, 2012)

Hunger said:


> I know I am in deep and eventually something has to give. For a while there I thought about just posting on here daily so that I can be accountable, but that didnt happen. I feel so hopeless. I find myself at times really trying to give it an honest try and than I give up so easily. I need to figure out why. :/


It is because you lack character and integrity.

A dictionary could be your BFF right now.


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Well that's it for me. I'm gone.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yep same here.

Either way she's toast. If she goes back to her husband she'll never be trusted, the OM is only in it for her body. She's a lost cause.


----------



## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Everyone join in and sing it.
Its all about me,me,me,me,me,me,meeeee,me,meme,me,me,me,me,me,meeeeeee!!!!me oh a me-me,me,me,me,meeeeee ,me,me....MMEEEEEEEE!!!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Hunger (Mar 26, 2012)

I am done as well. I am helpless. I will only be back if I have good news.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Hunger, I don't normally resort to name calling but honestly you are just about the most selfish person I've run into.

Fine, we get it. You have zero intention of being faithful. None. You are the OMs girl any time he wants and you have no interest or plans to stop. Even if it costs your husbands life. You already tore out his soul and the only real though you had was how it might inconvenience your next chance to hookup and cheat.

I'm against revenge affairs, but in your case I would encourage your husband to have one. He should just find something available and be as blatant about it as he can be. 

You honestly need the pain of being cheated on yourself by him added to your life experience. Only then might you actually develop a little empathy, but right now you are just selfish and so very very cold.

I know you love having your husband still want you, even though you cheat right in front of him. You love that you can twist him and have your cake.

I've followed your thread and there has never ever been any intention to stop being a selfish cheat, none. I guess you just love the attention you get here and that's why you continue to post your repeated story of your continued cheating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Saying you're helpless or hopeless is just a cop out.Your self-serving nature is readily apparent as you disregard your husbands ultimate well being by not making a clean break with him because you're too busy contemplating "what ifs".If you're still seeing OM then at least quit dangling hope in front of your husband and let him go.Quit torturing the man.because that is what you're doing.BTW,you said you were a strong woman,but apparently not strong enough to change.


----------



## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

If only she would give someone here her hubby's phone # so someone can knock some sense into him
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

