# dealing with stbx during divorce



## cbnero (Dec 6, 2013)

Hi I posted earlier, wife was having affair with OM, which I recently exposed to OMW. Not sure what if anything came of it.

Regardless I filed D first part od Nov. We have until March before it is finalized. My stbx has lied the whole year to me and gaslighted me for everything this whole time. She has shown zero remorse for anything or any of the lies.

I have gone no contact, doesnt seem to bother her in the least. I am also doing 180 for myself. 

But how wouls you recommend interacting with her when I do see her or have to communicate? We have 2 young children (3 and 6). I will see her in church Sunday for the kids Christmas deal and have to communicate with her at times because of the kids. Her MIL is also highly toxic. When I exposed the affair and lies to her, she replied "so what if she did?"

We are doing joint custody, I get them Christmas Day. Wife emailed me yesterday and said she was taking kids to church at 10 am and I could have them afterwards. I replied that I was leaving for my parents at 9 am and needed them earlier and didnt appreciate her telling me when my day started. She got all huffy and said she was trying to have a discussion. Um.... telling me what you are doing and when I can have them isnt a discussion.

FYI right now she isnt getting any spousal or child support (she agreed to it) but she is still acting weird. Wont ger her bills switched over to come out of her accout. Wont get her own car insurance. Asked to have the fake xmas tree so I put it on the front porch along with a box of her clothes, her wedding dress, and a box of all her childhood stuff. She came and got the tree but left everything else sit. Its under 6" snow now, still sitting there 3 weeks later. My attorney said i cant throw it because we both signed a temp court order and I am staying in the house.

I suspect she is a sociopath, she feels no remorse for anything she does to me, shows me no respect. Lies and tries to rugsweep it all. Told everyone I was crazy while she lied the whole time.

Now this stuff with the bank, her stuff outside, the car insurance, etc... when she calls for the kids she pretends I do not exist. I dont know what I did to her for her to treat me this way.

Anyone have experience dealing with this type of person or situation? She hates me and left. I filed divorce but now she is dragging her feet separating. I know she doesnt love me, she said so repeatedly. She has never tried to reach out to me in a sincere manner the entire year.

is this all part of her mind game for control? I dont know how to treat her or what the heck is the deal.

Thanks

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

As hard as it may be, I wouldn't try to understand her too much. When she has your thoughts and is confusing to you and you entertain her games and heartlessness, you give her power over you.

My advice would be to not ask yourself if this is a mind game, if she's trying to control things, or whatever it is she is attempting. It's going to drive you bananas and possible leave you very confused and hurt. If you can, extract your emotions from this situation.


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## littlejaz (Oct 17, 2013)

I wish I had the answers that you are seeking, as I am seeking the same answers. The one difference is we don't have any children. But the lying and cheating and the no remorse, somehow it is all my fault. Of course, my STBXH has never taken responsibility for anything in his life. 

You just have to accept that you will never understand and that she will never be honest with you. I don't get it, if we are getting divorced what does it matter, just come clean. But they are never going to do it.

The truth is that it is a character flaw in them. It has nothing to do with us. My STBXH and I am sure your STBXW both want to say that we caused all this, but I fail to see how I made him become a liar, a cheater and now a thief. Those were his choices. If life with me was so bad, he could have divorced me, but he choose to lie to me, to cheat on me and finally to steal from me. I refuse to take any responsibility for those choices. I am not claiming that I was perfect and I am sure you aren't either. We both have some responsibility in the demise of our marriages but not in the lack of integrity on their part.

As for dealing with them. I wish someone could answer that. Just like you, I filed for divorce in March of 2012 and he is still dragging his feel and we have no children. Which has been a blessing in that I do not have to have contact with him. We deposed him in Feb of this year and he lied all the way through it. He lied about things that had no bearing on the divorce.

IMO all you can do is be as business like as possible when talking to her. Keep on subject (the kids) and walk away if and when she tries to draw you in. Texting is a great substitute for actually talking to them, although my STBXH doesn't have texting on his phone. All I can say is good luck and you are not alone. And hey, you are looking at 4 months to be finalized, I am looking at almost 2 years and nothing even close to being finalized because he has refused to even negotiate.


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

cbnero said:


> FYI right now she isnt getting any spousal or child support (she agreed to it) but she is still acting weird. Wont ger her bills switched over to come out of her accout. Wont get her own car insurance. Asked to have the fake xmas tree so I put it on the front porch along with a box of her clothes, her wedding dress, and a box of all her childhood stuff. She came and got the tree but left everything else sit. Its under 6" snow now, still sitting there 3 weeks later. My attorney said i cant throw it because we both signed a temp court order and I am staying in the house.*Topify* on Android[/i]


Leave it outside. It's not your problem - it's hers.



cbnero said:


> I suspect she is a sociopath, she feels no remorse for anything she does to me, shows me no respect. Lies and tries to rugsweep it all. Told everyone I was crazy while she lied the whole time.*Topify* on Android[/i]


Typical behavior when someone is in the middle of an affair. The person you once knew no longer exist. She's not your friend ... don't treat her that way; she doesn't deserve it. 

Man'ing up - which you have already. Keep up the good work. 



cbnero said:


> Now this stuff with the bank, her stuff outside, the car insurance, etc... when she calls for the kids she pretends I do not exist. I dont know what I did to her for her to treat me this way.*Topify* on Android[/i]


Any way you can take your names off these accounts? If you can... Do it. Don't warn her, take action.

You haven't done anything. 

YOU are to blame for everything and I mean EVERYTHING. She hasn't done anything wrong... it's your fault this has occured - in her mind. 



cbnero said:


> Anyone have experience dealing with this type of person or situation? She hates me and left. I filed divorce but now she is dragging her feet separating. I know she doesnt love me, she said so repeatedly. She has never tried to reach out to me in a sincere manner the entire year.*Topify* on Android[/i]


Yes. I have. You show a little strength and they back peddle a bit. You show them that the world doesn't revolve around them and they start wondering. And... she's too involved in her delusion to care about paper work - it's a buzz kill.

Put a brick on the gas peddle - full steam ahead.



cbnero said:


> is this all part of her mind game for control? I dont know how to treat her or what the heck is the deal.
> *Topify* on Android[/i]


You treat her like you don't have a care in the world. Don't engage, act aloof. Act amused by her shenanigans. Don't EVER get angry - don't let her see you sweat.

You are a man who holds ALL the cards. 

F' Her.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

cbnero

Are you entitled to any spousal or child support?

And good job exposing them.

I hope you feel better and empowered.

Keep moving forward.

HM


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

cbnero said:


> Anyone have experience dealing with this type of person or situation?
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* on Android_


Have you read any of the other threads? You'd think this is the only type of person anyone marries.

What was her childhood like?


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## littlejaz (Oct 17, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Have you read any of the other threads? You'd think this is the only type of person anyone marries.
> 
> What was her childhood like?


Any theories as to why so many turn out like his wife and my husband?


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

littlejaz said:


> Any theories as to why so many turn out like his wife and my husband?


It's why Chip asked: What was her childhood like?

Many of our issues in the past (as children) will creep up on us as adults in spades.


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## cbnero (Dec 6, 2013)

Her childhood? Well her mom cheated on her dad when she was young. Her mom is remarried. Her dad is now on his 3rd wife. Her whole family is laced with divorces on both sides. Coming from an exact opposite family growing up, I didnt think it would be a big deal when I fell in love and got married to her after college. Yeah, guess I was wrong on that one.

She told them all I was crazy while she was lying and cheating on me the whole time. None of them have reached out to me. They all bought the BS she was throwing out and refused to even consider she was cheating and shifting blame. 

I am writing them all off. Not a moral compass in the group apparently. They have known me for 10 years, you'd think some of them would have questioned her story or called me to see what was going on before blindly supporting her victim tale.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

littlejaz said:


> Any theories as to why so many turn out like his wife and my husband?


We attract them due to our codependent natures.


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## littlejaz (Oct 17, 2013)

Thanks Conrad, I would never have guessed that, but in just a little bit of reading, I can see where I fall into that category at least to some extent. I will continue reading and working on it because I don't ever want to get into another relationship like the one I am leaving. Thanks again.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

littlejaz said:


> Thanks Conrad, I would never have guessed that, but in just a little bit of reading, I can see where I fall into that category at least to some extent. I will continue reading and working on it because I don't ever want to get into another relationship like the one I am leaving. Thanks again.


Let's talk about it.

How do you feel inside when your partner is angry?

What's your first reaction - and what do you do?


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## cbnero (Dec 6, 2013)

I agree Conrad. Just started reading codependent no more, good book. You can only change yourself so I am taking the opportunity to do so before dating again. There is a bunch of good info on datingasociopath.com as well about codependents attracting sociopath controllers. 

I am just focusing on myself and standing up for myself from here on out. I think being single will be a good thing for my recovery.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## TexDad034 (Oct 9, 2013)

You have to continue to show you will not be pushed around, and that you are done, moving forward, and could care less how she reacts or what she says. 

Remember that from here on out, what you say or do will impact your relationship with your children. If you react towards their mother in harsh or hurtful ways, they will see that and hold you to it forever. However, if they see (and they will see it eventually) how vindictive and evil mom is towards dad, and you don't reciprocate, they will respect you on a much greater level. Children see, children do. 

Don't you want what is best for your kids?

FWIW, my situation seems entirely the same as yours. Wife left to be with OM, lied about it, was gone for 2 months and left me and S2. Came back to get her crap, but I had her served instead. I was done fighting for the marriage, being lied to, and 
straight up humiliated.

I was awarded the house temporarily, no child support, and get our son mon-thurs. After our second temporary hearing, I was awarded an extra weekend a month. 

We dated for 10 years - highschool sweethearts - and there has been zero sympathy, remorse or admittance. Her family has all turned the cold shoulder to me as well. Divorce and adultery lace her side of the family as well. 

PM me if you want to bounce some things off of me. Lord knows I could use the companionship.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

TexDad034 said:


> You have to continue to show you will not be pushed around, and that you are done, moving forward, and could care less how she reacts or what she says.
> 
> Remember that from here on out, what you say or do will impact your relationship with your children. If you react towards their mother in harsh or hurtful ways, they will see that and hold you to it forever. However, if they see (and they will see it eventually) how vindictive and evil mom is towards dad, and you don't reciprocate, they will respect you on a much greater level. Children see, children do.
> 
> ...


Did you expose to posOMW?


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

Give her nothing that she asks for and make her life as difficult as humanly possible. Don't make this easy on her. If she is truly a sociopath, I would also go for full custody of the children.


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## TexDad034 (Oct 9, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Did you expose to posOMW?


He was not married. He works as a contractor for her, but I was advised not to expose yet so as not to seem as aggressive. I partake on another forum that doesn't advise to expose. 

If your children are a priority in your life, then exposing does nothing. Clearly there is no chance for reconciliation in both our cases. Courts could care less if your stbx is cheating... she basically needs to be a crack head for her to have her children taken away. 

You've done well from what I can tell. Document ALL of your super dadness, journal, pictures, video, EVERYTHING that helps paint you in a good light. Attacking mom or withholding health concerns, or children concerns can and will affect your pending case. 

Your best bet in court is to continue being super dad, go to the park, daycare, meetings with teachers, etc. It's really your only chance not to get screwed. 

Again, PM me if you want to bounce some stuff off me.


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## littlejaz (Oct 17, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Let's talk about it.
> 
> How do you feel inside when your partner is angry?
> 
> What's your first reaction - and what do you do?


I feel like he is getting what he deserves. I put up with a lot of crap out of him and let it roll off my back, but when he complained about something I would try to come up with a compromise. He would never agree to any compromise, he would rather things stay the way they were so he could be the martyr. He expects people to feel sorry for him because he grew up without a father. That is his excuse for everything. He actually told me that he had the right to treat people (co-workers) like $hit and they should not get mad or hold it against him because he grew up without a father and he has back pain.

For the first 8 or so years of our marriage, I happily rode on that sympathy train. I felt for him and I understood what it meant to grow up without a father because I lost my father at a young age also. I tried to be as accommodating as I could be without totally losing myself. Until I figured out that he used that as an excuse to not have to be responsible for his actions. About this time I started having problems sleeping due to his actions (falling asleep with lit cigarettes multiple times a day) and found out just how much he really cared about my well being. I finally came to the conclusion that our relationship was totally one sided. I was to be totally understanding and accommodating to his needs but he has no such obligation even when it came to my health and well being.


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## littlejaz (Oct 17, 2013)

Conrad,

Not sure I really answered your questions. At first, I felt really bad when he would get angry and I would try to smooth things over. Most of the time the issue wasn't that important so I would just give in. I am a problem solver, so when it was something that was important to me, I would try to come up with a compromise. But never in the 13+ years we were married was any compromise I came up with good enough for him. Either we did it totally his way or things would stay status quo and he would stay mad about it.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

littlejaz said:


> Conrad,
> 
> Not sure I really answered your questions. At first, I felt really bad when he would get angry and I would try to smooth things over. Most of the time the issue wasn't that important so I would just give in.


That's called enabling.

Are you familiar with the term?


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## littlejaz (Oct 17, 2013)

Yes, I am and I tried to stop doing that but I guess I was too late. I got him into therapy and for a while he went to IC and we went for MC together, but it wasn't long before the therapist told me that I seemed to be pretty well grounded and since insurance would only pay for so many visits would I give up my visits so he could come twice as often. I agreed and asked her if he was going to get better. Her reply was that it was up to him. I pretty much lost all hope then because I don't believe he wants to get better. He wants people to feel sorry for him so they don't hold him responsible for his actions.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Now I'm confused (which isn't hard to do) is littlejaz OP's wife?

Or is this one major threadjack?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

littlejaz why did you break up the family unit and cheat on your husband. You could have divorced first and then started screwing around.


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## littlejaz (Oct 17, 2013)

Sorry, it is a thread jack.

I don't want to impose on the OP but I want to continue convo with Conrad - what is the correct way to do that??


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## littlejaz (Oct 17, 2013)

the guy said:


> littlejaz why did you break up the family unit and cheat on your husband. You could have divorced first and then started screwing around.


I did not break up any family unit except my own and it was my STBXH who cheated on me. And I would like to ask him why he didn't divorce me first then start screwing around. All I am guilty of is thread jacking.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

littlejaz said:


> Sorry, it is a thread jack.
> 
> I don't want to impose on the OP but I want to continue convo with Conrad - what is the correct way to do that??


Jaz,

Start a new thread with your story from the beginning.

We can kick it around.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

littlejaz said:


> I did not break up any family unit* except* *my own* and it was my STBXH who cheated on me. And I would like to ask him why he didn't divorce me first then start screwing around. All I am guilty of is thread jacking.


I stand correct...btw girl you didn't break anything up your old man did by cheating... so get that straight.

Now I'm threadjacking


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## littlejaz (Oct 17, 2013)

the guy said:


> I stand correct...btw girl you didn't break anything up your old man did by cheating... so get that straight.
> 
> Now I'm threadjacking


Thank you I just meant that I was the one to file for divorce.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Why cant you take her name of the car insurance? I would call your insurance company and get a new policy in your name and notify her creditors and have tell them that you will not be paying her bills out of your account and for them to notify her.

Another thing. Be at her house on Christmas morning at 9 AM and get your kids. If you have a court order then she has to respect it or get into trouble with the judge and that's a bad move on her part. Stick to your guns and don't take any step backwards.


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## littlejaz (Oct 17, 2013)

6301 said:


> Why cant you take her name of the car insurance? I would call your insurance company and get a new policy in your name and notify her creditors and have tell them that you will not be paying her bills out of your account and for them to notify her.
> 
> Another thing. Be at her house on Christmas morning at 9 AM and get your kids. If you have a court order then she has to respect it or get into trouble with the judge and that's a bad move on her part. Stick to your guns and don't take any step backwards.


In my state you can't cancel any kind of insurance once you have filed for the divorce without your spouse's or the court's permission. But you can close joint bank accounts and open new individual ones. I would definitely talk to your attorney.


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## Brokenman85 (Jul 24, 2013)

cbnero said:


> Her childhood? Well her mom cheated on her dad when she was young. Her mom is remarried. Her dad is now on his 3rd wife. Her whole family is laced with divorces on both sides. Coming from an exact opposite family growing up, I didnt think it would be a big deal when I fell in love and got married to her after college. Yeah, guess I was wrong on that one.
> 
> She told them all I was crazy while she was lying and cheating on me the whole time. None of them have reached out to me. They all bought the BS she was throwing out and refused to even consider she was cheating and shifting blame.
> 
> ...


That's all _dangerously_ close to being my exact situation. Only difference is My stbxw's Mom has been married and divorced 3 times and is now single. Every other little detail is pretty much exactly the same. Weird.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Brokenman85 said:


> That's all _dangerously_ close to being my exact situation. Only difference is My stbxw's Mom has been married and divorced 3 times and is now single. Every other little detail is pretty much exactly the same. Weird.


Gee, must be a coincidence, eh?


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## cbnero (Dec 6, 2013)

Having sociopathic tendencies doesnt constitute valid reason to not to do joint custody. She would pretty much need to be a full on meth addict for me to get full custody here in WI.

This forum is pretty much getting me through it right now. By no means do I want a divorce but thats all I am working towards each day. I am not letting her get any control of our relationship from here on out. I did my parent class the state requires last night and let the stbxw know that I enrolled our 6 year old son in his "children in the middle" class on feb 3rd 2014 (earliest available).

Because she signed the temp agreement vs going to court initially when I filed, she now has to do all this stuff within a certain timeline or be in contempt. I doubt she is having 2nd thoughts, but if she is there is no chance for her to catch her breath and reconsider. Full steam ahead! 

I have a date with a gal Friday night, looking forward to that. Running 3 or 4 miles a day on the treadmill. Eating well, taking care of kids when I have them. Strict NC with stbx except when I need to email her something about kids school and then I just scan it and say nothing.

anything else I should be doing? Thanks to all for the help, like I said, its making all the difference for me right now.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## hitbyabrick (Nov 14, 2013)

cbnero said:


> I have a date with a gal Friday night, looking forward to that. Running 3 or 4 miles a day on the treadmill. Eating well, taking care of kids when I have them. Strict NC with stbx except when I need to email her something about kids school and then I just scan it and say nothing.
> 
> anything else I should be doing? Thanks to all for the help, like I said, its making all the difference for me right now.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* on Android_


I'm not sure if running is something new for you or not, but if it is new remember to take it easy & mix in some shorter runs & some rest days if you need it.

I went from no running to basically walking/running about 5k daily when my relationship went south. Ended up with a sore achilles tendon and had to stop for a couple weeks. Running is a great release, and it's good for you, but if you're new to it just be careful to not overdo it.


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