# sex toys



## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

Been married for 18 years, trying to survive that i found about two years ago. Husband refused to go to counseling but talk with pastor. Our sex life for me isn't so great. I've always had a higher drive than him. i admit that the sex in my marriage has never brought me to orgasm but I did enjoy feeling close to him through physical contact. Since the revelation of the affair, i decided to take a more active role in my own sexual gratification. Started masterbating and had my first orgasm at my hands. I've never told my husband that he doesn't tip me over the mountain top so I've been faking it through all of our relationship. Since the affair, I've brought a rabbit and am able to orgasm multiple times. I've asked him if I could bring the vibrator while were having sex and he says he doesn't care but when I do he seems a little put off by it although he doesn't say any thing. Does it affect a guys sensibilities if his wife uses a sex toy while being intimate. We have more than that as an issue in our marriage but I just wanted to know:scratchhead:


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening maritallonliness
My wife and I used sex toys frequently because she has difficulty orgasming without a vibrator, and for added variety. No problem at all as far as I'm concerned. 

FWIW, I would be happy if she used the toys on herself, but she always wants me to use them on her. 

Maybe your husband would be happier with a toy you could use during lovemaking (which isn't very practical with a rabbit).


----------



## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

Thanks richardsharpe


----------



## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I was in a similar situation to you. Two years ago I also had never had an orgasm with my DH and we had also been married 18 years. Although I'd had many alone, I could orgasm but there was zero communication between us about sex. He never asked, nobody ever brought it up, nothing. 

Here's what I've learned in the past two years. I can't help you with the affair, but about the orgasms. 

1) you need to be honest with him that you've never had one with him and you have been faking. And it's not an easy thing to do. I think my faking was pretending that I was such a good sexual partner that I barely needed anything to get off. I wanted to be that woman and the truth was a lot harder than that. 

2) I've also always had a higher drive than my DH. Even without orgasms it was something I enjoyed. Be aware that he likely won't want to have sex with you after this declaration. For a while anyway. The woman he barely had to do anything with has transformed into who knows what. 

3) Never, never ever fake again. This is your second chance. You will be tested if he does start trying to get you off. Because it will be fumbling and take a long time and you will feel very bad for him. You will also feel broken and frustrated yourself. But do not do it. Faking only makes them think they know how to get you off and they will try it the next time and it still won't work and there you are faking every time again. 

After two years I am getting off every time we have sex but it is with my vibrator and that has ended up being DH choice after dealing with the other options. It's not how i would prefer it but it's an improvement over no orgasms and now we are at least able to talk about sex. 

When your partner is a lower drive I think it's always going to result in frustrations because you want to be desired and have someone learn to get you off and etc. If you choose to stay in your marriage it won't likely end up being 100% as you wish it would be. But there can be some improvement.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Why do you not have organisms with him?

Does he do oral on you? Does he do things to try to bring you to orgasm?


----------



## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

MissScarlett said:


> I was in a similar situation to you. Two years ago I also had never had an orgasm with my DH and we had also been married 18 years. Although I'd had many alone, I could orgasm but there was zero communication between us about sex. He never asked, nobody ever brought it up, nothing.
> 
> Here's what I've learned in the past two years. I can't help you with the affair, but about the orgasms.
> 
> ...


I've tried not to fake it and I think when I'm not acting like I usually do his persistence gets painful and my arousal is gone. At that point, I just fake it to be done. As far oral, he does it on special occasions- birthday, anniversary. It's so rushed because he doesn't like it.


----------



## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

But you see that you are training him to produce pain because he's to believe it gets you off at that point? 

I'm talking about confession, so he knows nothing he's done has worked. And then abstinence from faking - because that is the only way he will learn what does work.

Ps My husband also never gave me oral. But he does now every time. Even though he doesn't care to do it long enough for orgasm.


----------



## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Why do you not have organisms with him?
> 
> Does he do oral on you? Does he do things to try to bring you to orgasm?


It seems stupid but I thought that was what sex was to be like. I've never or gasm with any of my premarital relationships. He does oral on special occasions for me but it's rushed cut he doesn't like it


----------



## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

MissScarlett said:


> But you see that you are training him to produce pain because he's to believe it gets you off at that point?
> 
> I'm talking about confession, so he knows nothing he's done has worked. And then abstinence from faking - because that is the only way he will learn what does work.
> 
> Ps My husband also never gave me oral. But he does now every time. Even though he doesn't care to do it long enough for orgasm.


That's not a discussion that I'm looking to have. But I can definitely see your point.


----------



## farside (Oct 27, 2012)

My wife and I have used toys in the bedroom for the past few years and it has enhanced our sex lives. As with someone that posted earlier my wife claims that she never uses them individually. If your husband is apprehensive, or not completely into it, one thing to do may be to explore with him what toys he would be comfortable. One option would be "couples" toys. My wife and I started with a c-ring with am attached bullet. Another couples toy we very much like is the We-Vibe.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

maritalloneliness said:


> It seems stupid but I thought that was what sex was to be like. I've never or gasm with any of my premarital relationships. He does oral on special occasions for me but it's rushed cut he doesn't like it


I still do not understand.

You say that if you don't fake it he just keeps going until it hurts.

What does he keep doing? Do you mean intercourse? Do you mean manual stimulation (since he does not do oral)? What is he doing that hurts?


----------



## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

If you want to avoid the potentially shattering discussion that he hasn't been getting you there for 18 years you can always go with "I'm getting older and my body doesn't work the same, for the past couple of years I've been faking cause I didn't want to hurt your feelings." approach. Tell he you need the extra stimulation from a vibrator and you need to introduce that. 

Then try it out and figure out what works best start by using it during - either you drive or he drives. A bullet or butterfly may be best for during. 

I personally have no problem with a little extra mechanical assistance. I suspect he'd be fine with it as well, he is trying just no in a way that is any help at all so a little gentle re-education is in order.


----------



## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> I still do not understand.
> 
> You say that if you don't fake it he just keeps going until it hurts.
> 
> What does he keep doing? Do you mean intercourse? Do you mean manual stimulation (since he does not do oral)? What is he doing that hurts?


Mostly it's the manual manipulation of my clitoris that is painful after awhile and I get frustrated trying to relax and trying to reach for the orgasm and it doesn't happened


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

maritalloneliness said:


> Mostly it's the manual manipulation of my clitoris that is painful after awhile and I get frustrated trying to relax and trying to reach for the orgasm and it doesn't happened


It sounds like your husband does not know how to do that very well. But then again, by you faking orgasms, you have trained him to think that he's doing just fine.


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
Its really difficult to get out of the trap once you start faking orgasms. When your lover finds out they will fell terrible - they have spent years thinking that they are an awesome lover. I really don't have a good answer.

Probably truth is the best - but it depends on the person.

You can also just introduce toys into your play, but not claim that you haven't had orgasms before. When you fake, do you behave similarly to when you have the real thing?


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Your husband had an affair, refuses marriage counseling, and you're the one worried about his reaction?

Sigh...if you were a man complaining that your wife had an affair and during the entire marriage never showed an interest in pleasing you sexually, but just opened her legs and moaned a bit, the men here would ALL OVER you insisting you make HER do the work, that this wasn't the only affair, that she was still lying to you, that you should to a complete 180 and let HER carry the marriage. They be calling you a Beta wimp and questioning your manhood for continuing down the R path.

You are foolish though. To try to fix the whole something without fully 
investigating/understanding how and why it was broken (full truth from your H) and tending to those broken parts (marriage counseling) the thing you're trying to fix will not ever get fixed.

But these are the answers to your question above...

1. Follow Miss Scarlett's suggestions. Tell your H you have never orgasmed and Do not ever ever fake again. EVER!

2. Tell your H what you want him to do to get your there. If he isn't touching you in the right way, tell him how. Try masturbating in front of him to show him exactly how it's done.-and hope he pays attention!

3. Toys, buy them, use them, make them a regular part of sex play. Only insecure men who lack knowledge about female sexuality would be threatened by toys.

4. Use coconut oil every time you have sex. The amount of lubrication your body produces isn't always enough and it is not dependent on how aroused you are.

5. If you can bring yourself to tell him, write him a letter and explain. But for right now, stop faking entirely. It would be curious to know if he realized the difference.


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

maritalloneliness said:


> ...Husband refused to go to counseling but talk with pastor.
> 
> ...I've always had a higher drive than him.
> 
> ...


Faking orgasms on a regular basis is bad. You know that.

Miss Scarlet and others have given you good advice and warnings about his likely reactions and your need to change.

If you can't tell him, then bring the vibrator into bed with you and have him do you doggy style, while you use the vibrator on yourself. If you can communicate with him while you are having PIV sex in this position (perhaps via talking dirty to him?) you just may learn how the two of you can have simultaneous orgasms. 

Since you are now into self pleasuring, may I suggest you use that also as a way to tone your PC muscles. Aneros has a female sex toy/medical device called the Evi, it helps you do Kegle exercises to build a more powerful orgasm while your Kegle exercises stimulate your clitoris. Those Aneros folks are pretty smart on positive reinforcement.

Now wouldn't the two of you having a simultanous orgams be an ego booster for him and you? Work on it and make it happen. Ask him to cum for you, and tell you when he is about to cum. Tell him how aroused you are getting and how you want to feel his orgasm in you, then adjust your masturbation to match his arousal level. Based on you fake orgasm acting, you should be able to handle the script of the dirty talking nympho wife.

Give him something positive and you can create a Pavlovian training situation for your LD husband. When you do have that simultaneous orgasm, praise him as the worlds greatest lover who just rocked your world (BUT DON"T FAKE THE ORGASM).

Good luck to you.

Would I feel threatened by my wife showing up in bed with a vibrator? Hell no, I bought mine two, but she believes masturbation is a sin and won't touch it. So, I wouldn't feel threatened at all.


----------



## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

For another .02 from someone who has been in the same situation.

From your DH point of view you get off just fine without the vibe. Why would you want it now? Especially a rabbit that occupies your vag and he's doing what during this time? When he believes you get off like gangbusters without it. 

If he had the information that you've never gotten off without it and have only been getting off for the last couple of years of your life he might feel differently about your vibe.

This is not the same situation other couples find themselves in where one just wants a little variety or what have you. Your orgasm depends on it. But he doesn't know that. So what is he supposed to think. 

Look, I've done a lot of floundering around in the past two years. There have been a lot of tears and a lot of arguments and several hard limits enforced till things started getting worked out. You can take my word for it or find out for yourself. Honesty is the only way to the other side of this situation.


----------



## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

Dear maritaloneliness

I for one would not object to my wife introducing a sex toy into the marriage bed, as for faking orgasms, I would understand that she has been trying to please me by faking orgasms, I would understand that she wanted to make things better. Best of luck in your efforts, your u=husband should appreciate you for your efforts.


----------



## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

Anon Pink said:


> Your husband had an affair, refuses marriage counseling, and you're the one worried about his reaction?
> 
> Sigh...if you were a man complaining that your wife had an affair and during the entire marriage never showed an interest in pleasing you sexually, but just opened her legs and moaned a bit, the men here would ALL OVER you insisting you make HER do the work, that this wasn't the only affair, that she was still lying to you, that you should to a complete 180 and let HER carry the marriage. They be calling you a Beta wimp and questioning your manhood for continuing down the R path.
> 
> ...


I am reading all the responses and I really appreciate them. I plan to have this discussion with him this weekend. This is a horrible position to be in because now I've seen how detrimental my lack of communicating has been. I know we have a lot of problems other than our sex life but I'm really trying to save my marriage. Will we make it? I don't know but before I walk away I want to try since my children lives will be permanently change by my decision.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

maritalloneliness said:


> I am reading all the responses and I really appreciate them. I plan to have this discussion with him this weekend. This is a horrible position to be in because now I've seen how detrimental my lack of communicating has been. I know we have a lot of problems other than our sex life but I'm really trying to save my marriage. Will we make it? I don't know but before I walk away I want to try since my children lives will be permanently change by my decision.


Do you feel like the sex you and your h have might be a reason why he had an affair?

Regardless of the answer, you're doing the right thing by working on sexual honesty and openness! But don't, for one second, believe that you faking orgasms caused his affair. Your husband, to be honest, is a lousy lover. He is not well we ducted about women or sex. He thinks penetration will cause an orgasm and for many many women it does not. Most women climax through clitoral stimulation only. So if he isn't spending time eagerly stimulating your clit, there is little chance you will orgasm. This is very very normal.

You need to understand why your H had an affair. He needs to be honest about that. How can you trust him with your body when he has betrayed you?

Just think about it.


----------



## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

Anon Pink said:


> Do you feel like the sex you and your h have might be a reason why he had an affair?
> 
> Regardless of the answer, you're doing the right thing by working on sexual honesty and openness! But don't, for one second, believe that you faking orgasms caused his affair. Your husband, to be honest, is a lousy lover. He is not well we ducted about women or sex. He thinks penetration will cause an orgasm and for many many women it does not. Most women climax through clitoral stimulation only. So if he isn't spending time eagerly stimulating your clit, there is little chance you will orgasm. This is very very normal.
> 
> ...


Every time I try to discuss this A, he gets very angry and accuses me of holding it over his head..With his first A with an ex girlfriend, he told me that he did it just to see if he can get away with it. The A with my brother's wife, he doesn't want to talk about it. As with most people who are betrayed, I went to self blame-that I wasn't pretty enough, my body wasn't in the best of shape, I didn't keep the house clean enough, etc. So, I started to do things to better myself , joined a gym, bought new clothes. Felt as if I had to compete with her. Through out our relationship, I have never denied him sex. Even after the A, when my pastor suggested we resume our sex life. It was the worst because all I can think about was how he had been this intimate with someone else. I no longer blame myself for his actions and also realizing my own power that I could end this relationship just as he can.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Depends on the guy. My ex was NOT at all into any toy and didn't even like for me to have them. My most recent lovah man looove to use them on me. I like.

If you want him to use it on ya, tell him how much it turns you on that he would. May be incentive for him to give it a try.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

maritalloneliness said:


> I've asked him if I could bring the vibrator while were having sex and he says he doesn't care but when I do he seems a little put off by it although he doesn't say any thing.



*You do know that they make toys for men too these days!* If he seems a bit put off, it could be because he is too shy or ashamed to ask for a toy that he gets to play with too while the two of you are together. Here are a few ideas:


prostate messager 
vibrating co¢k ring
penis pump
Blindfold
handcuffs
clamps or cloths pins
Ropes
Let him control your rabbit vibe
glans ring
penis plug
chastity belt
vibrating plug
coconut oil
warming lube
paddle
ball gag

I could go on and on, and do not kid yourself that he might hem and haw that he does not really want to try any. All men secretly desire a strong women in the bedroom that know how to take charge of both partners sexuality every now and then.

I remember reading online about this one guy who was really into his woman being very dominant with him in bed, and most of all he wanted her just to enjoy being this way with him. He had a long list of stuff he wanted her to do, but she refused all of them because she knew he liked that too much. He got kind of frustrated that she only enjoyed doing the things to him that were genuinely a bit uncomfortable for him, but at the same time her excitement was what drove him wild. So he was in the perfect storm of a playful relationship so to speak! 

Cheers, 
Badsanta


----------



## being the best me (Apr 25, 2011)

After her last post I think she needs more help than worrying about bringing a sex toy to the marital bed. You need to deal with his affairs first and foremost before you worry about you getting off with a vibrator, nothing against you, 2 affairs ( 1 with your sister in-law) and your worrying about his feelings (Get ****ing Rid Of Your Pastor ****ing Counselor{coming from a catholic} he is doing your marriage and self worth as a person a great injustice!!!!!!). He should be moving the earth and stars to make you the happiest person on this earth! You are so much worth so much more than begging him to at least satisfy you!


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Why do you not have organisms with him?


He he...I know I'm like, 12, but...I always giggle at this particular typo. I've done it many times.

(sorry Ele, I know it is just a typo! but again, I'm 12)


----------



## justamale51 (Mar 20, 2015)

I've not only bought sex toys for my wife, but also used them on her. She's the type who's shy to do these things (sadly), but will soon start enjoying.

We also include a lot of manual masturbation during sex, with me masturbating her most of the time. We find this makes it easier for her to climax.

Also positions: try doggie style. Some women like it, and though it seems a male-dominating position, it could hit your g-spot and make you come.


----------



## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

Chicken out this weekend about having the talk with him, but suggested some couple toys to try and was accused of having sex on the brain. He gave me a look of (the only way I could describe it is disgust) and left the room. I'm fuming and thinking what's the point. I don't want to beg him to be in this with me. I wanted to hurt him by telling him how I've never orgasmed but just held my tongue. This really makes me want to betray my marital vows. What the hell? He did and I'm just taking it.:wtf::wtf:


----------



## LuvIsTuff (Feb 20, 2015)

maritalloneliness said:


> As far oral, he does it on special occasions- birthday, anniversary. It's so rushed because he doesn't like it.


Doesn't like it?!?! What's wrong with that boy!


----------



## LuvIsTuff (Feb 20, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> It sounds like your husband does not know how to do that very well. But then again, by you faking orgasms, you have trained him to think that he's doing just fine.


Exactly! The ONLY way we learn how to do anything down there is with honest communication and some instruction. Her faking is teaching him that he's doing it right. Its a major turn on when a woman says "it feels really good when you do this/touch me here/etc..." Just tell him what you like and don't like.


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I'm sorry, LD people simply don't understand how much they hurt their partners, and I think can never understand. 





maritalloneliness said:


> Chicken out this weekend about having the talk with him, but suggested some couple toys to try and was accused of having sex on the brain. He gave me a look of (the only way I could describe it is disgust) and left the room. I'm fuming and thinking what's the point. I don't want to beg him to be in this with me. I wanted to hurt him by telling him how I've never orgasmed but just held my tongue. This really makes me want to betray my marital vows. What the hell? He did and I'm just taking it.:wtf::wtf:


----------



## LuvIsTuff (Feb 20, 2015)

Anon Pink said:


> Try masturbating in front of him to show him exactly how it's done.-and hope he pays attention!


If he doesn't pay attention, he's gay. Period!


----------



## Gob Bluth (Jul 12, 2010)

Adding toys (small vibrator) has made a 180 degree change in our marriage bed. 

My wife now has 1 to 2 O's in foreplay which has allowed her more frequent O's when we ML.

I don't feel threatened at all by it and wish we'd tried it years before we did.


----------



## LuvIsTuff (Feb 20, 2015)

How would one go about suggesting the use of toys to a wife who has never used them and doesn't pleasure herself. Sexual pleasure has never been important to her and experimentation isn't the norm either.


----------



## 1marriedlady (Mar 27, 2015)

I to have a less than ideal sexlife. I want more and I want goooooood. 

In the meantime my friends suggested I get myself a toy to help. I'm in my early 40's and have only ever used a mini vibrator once and that was with hubby.
I tried to used it again with hubby but he wanted no part of it. So if I got one, I'm worried about how he'd react.
I feel like I'd have to sneak it into the house and use it when he's not around. 
Ladies did you feel "guilty" for getting your toy and does your dh know you have it? Was it worth getting?


----------



## LuvIsTuff (Feb 20, 2015)

1marriedlady said:


> I to have a less than ideal sexlife. I want more and I want goooooood.
> 
> In the meantime my friends suggested I get myself a toy to help. *I'm in my early 40's and have only ever used a mini vibrator once and that was with hubby.
> I tried to used it again with hubby but he wanted no part of it.* So if I got one, I'm worried about how he'd react.
> ...


So he was ok with it the first time, but then did a 180?


----------



## 1marriedlady (Mar 27, 2015)

LuvIsTuff said:


> So he was ok with it the first time, but then did a 180?


I don't think he liked it that time either but did it because I was curious.
I rarely orgasm and thought a little help might do the trick. He didn't use it long enough to find out.
Before anyone asks - orgasms and I have never been good friends, with my hubby or previous lovers.


----------



## LuvIsTuff (Feb 20, 2015)

peacem said:


> A gift (not for any particular occasion though) nicely wrapped and left under her pillow, perhaps alongside something else e.g scented candle, lingerie, massage oil. Perhaps you could do a seduction box of lots of different things. If you are feeling brave a book on erotica may help. For someone who may not be initially very open to the idea, I suggest a smaller type, that's feminine and tastefully designed. The bigger rabbit ones could be a bit intimidating at first but might be appreciated as an up-grade later, once she is used to using it. Bullet vibrators are small, and discrete and yet still fairly powerful.


First off, my wife is extremely religious. The erotica book would be completely out of bounds. She would equate it with porn.

I was in a "sex shop" recently, buying some message oil for a little weekend getaway(which never even got opened). I had never been in a store like that before, but obviously I had to look around. I came across the bullet/egg vibrators and wanted so badly to buy one for my wife, but I didn't because I think she'd flip out. This is a woman that rarely lets me give her oral, refuses to give me oral, and is basically a prude and lacks the willingness to experiment. But if I could just get her to use that vibrator, maybe, just maybe, it would rock her world so much that she'd be more interested in fooling around. I'd gladly take a simple HJ just to watch her get off with a vibrator. :smthumbup:


----------



## 1marriedlady (Mar 27, 2015)

peacem said:


> Don't hide it. Don't sneak it. You tried to make it part of your sex life and he wants no part of it - so be it, but don't be ashamed or guilty. If anything he may come round to the idea in future if he sees it as a normal part of 'ladies things'. And whilst you are at it why not buy something better than a mini one. If you are going to do it, you may as well do it well, you get what you pay for. .


I feel like he'd be hurt as we've gone 20+ years without and now I want one. I do like your suggestion to Luvistuff about making it romantic. 
This is all new to me - I don't know what to look for, what would work. It's a new world. I wish I had a friend like you who could go with me and know what's what.


----------



## LuvIsTuff (Feb 20, 2015)

peacem said:


> I think you are right. It can flick a switch in women. Once someone experiences quick multiple orgasms they usually want it more and more alongside being less inhibited. DH and I are both from very religious backgrounds which is why it took us so long to get our act together. But when I did eventually have that YOLO moment it felt even more exciting. Like we had pushed some boundaries, it was very liberating.
> 
> I think the bullet vibrator may be a good idea, they are very elegant and do not look like vibrators. However you present it, I think 'romance' may be needed rather than a push for hot sex . Good luck.


You would have to read my epic threads to know that at this point, pursuing "hot sex" is not realistic. Whether or not my wife is even interested in being married to me is the bigger issue. I have hot sex on a regular basis with my girlfriend, Lubriderm. 

But, if I'm pushed in to a position of losing my wife, my next GF/LTR will have to be a kinky freak or I'm moving to the next one. I've been eating fast food for waaaaay too many years. I need a nice Fogo De Chao type sex buffet that makes me say, "No more, I can't take any more".:smthumbup:


----------



## LuvIsTuff (Feb 20, 2015)

peacem said:


> There is no excuse for any woman in this day and age to deny herself such a thing.


It's like A/C in your car, or a microwave oven. Do we HAVE to have it? No. But now that it's available, I'm using it every single day!!!


----------



## 1marriedlady (Mar 27, 2015)

LuvIsTuff said:


> It's like A/C in your car, or a microwave oven. Do we HAVE to have it? No. But now that it's available, I'm using it every single day!!!


LOL but do you use it without him to? I think I'd use it without him because we've not been having sex frequently and I miss it. Is that weird? To use alone when you are married.


----------



## LuvIsTuff (Feb 20, 2015)

1marriedlady said:


> LuvIsTuff said:
> 
> 
> > It's like A/C in your car, or a microwave oven. Do we HAVE to have it? No. But now that it's available, I'm using it every single day!!!
> ...


I am a him. I'm just encouraging its usage by my wife. But I do use my hand when I'm alone, so what's the difference.


----------



## 1marriedlady (Mar 27, 2015)

LuvIsTuff said:


> I am a him. I'm just encouraging its usage by my wife. But I do use my hand when I'm alone, so what's the difference.


No difference. 
I'm just a little nervous. What if I introduce it and he does like it or is offended. Or mad? 
Our sexlife isn't good right now. Actually it's not much of a sexlife, so I'm not sure how he'd react.


----------



## LuvIsTuff (Feb 20, 2015)

1marriedlady said:


> Our sexlife isn't good right now. Actually it's not much of a sexlife, so I'm not sure how he'd react.


Sounds to me like you can't go anywhere but forward... What's the worst that could happen? He says he's not in to it and you still have "not much of a sex life". But what if, what if he's in to it??? Trust me, if you make it seem like HE'S playing a part in pleasing you, he'll be in to it. Words have power. Use them. Men love it when a woman shows satisfaction and enjoyment by SAYING it. Don't hold back.


----------



## 1marriedlady (Mar 27, 2015)

We don't have that kind of relationship.
Sad I know but we are not that open with each other. 
I will give it a try though - I have nothing to loss. Fingers crossed things get better. But if not - I'll have something to do.


----------



## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

1marriedlady said:


> I to have a less than ideal sexlife. I want more and I want goooooood.
> 
> In the meantime my friends suggested I get myself a toy to help. I'm in my early 40's and have only ever used a mini vibrator once and that was with hubby.
> I tried to used it again with hubby but he wanted no part of it. So if I got one, I'm worried about how he'd react.
> ...


I bought my first toy with my H's knowledge before we got married and we used it together once or twice. Now that we no longer have sex I depend on it and recently bought myself another one so I can have a little bit of variety. I didn't tell him about the second one I bought as he has no interest in having sex and would see it as me (once again) complaining about the lack of sex. I used to use it standing up in the bathroom with the door locked and the fan on (he would usually be in the next room) but have recently moved into the spare room so I can have a more uninhibited sex life with my toys. Both were definitely worth getting.


----------



## Sandie (Mar 31, 2015)

Does anyone find the wires break a lot on the vibrators that have the little remote button?

First it works great. Then like a week or two later it starts cutting out at just the wrong time!

Then it only works if you twist the wire a bit where it goes into the bottom of the vibrator.

Then it stops working altogether! 

These things aren't cheap either they are like $50!


----------



## LuvIsTuff (Feb 20, 2015)

Sandie said:


> Does anyone find the wires break a lot on the vibrators that have the little remote button?
> 
> First it works great. Then like a week or two later it starts cutting out at just the wrong time!
> 
> ...


Don't they make wireless versions?


----------



## Sandie (Mar 31, 2015)

I need the wire in case it goes in too far and I have to retrieve it!


----------



## LuvIsTuff (Feb 20, 2015)

Sandie said:


> I need the wire in case it goes in too far and I have to retrieve it!


They have a cord. Lol
I can't believe I'm explaining this. LMAO


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
there is a lot of variation in quality. Stuff from the high end vendors (lelo, jimmyjane, etc) is much better made, but $$$$$$

goodvibes (good vibrations website) has pretty honest customer reviews, you can get an idea which are junk or not. 




Sandie said:


> Does anyone find the wires break a lot on the vibrators that have the little remote button?
> 
> First it works great. Then like a week or two later it starts cutting out at just the wrong time!
> 
> ...


----------



## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I feel an important point is kind of being sidestepped here. 

The OP has never had an orgasm with her husband but he isn't aware of this fact. 

I think maybe if she was able to be honest and saw for real she's not getting off he would be a lot more open to some help. 

Really, if women aren't getting off and their men know that and are ok with that (I should add and the women want to be getting off because I know there are women that refuse to try or aren't interested) it doesn't say much about the man. 

I know first hand because I lived it. I can get off without a vibrator but it takes around 25 min of stimulation. I think that is very average for a female orgasm. 

It took me a really really long time to demand my orgasms. As I said earlier in this thread things got to a point where I said - I will be getting off when we have sex. Either I will do it or you will do it but no more being used and disregarded. Figure out how to do it or let me do it or whatever.

And what do you know - suddenly DH made friends with my vibrator because he could see it was a reliable way to an orgasm. 

I will also add vibrators fence from mild to intense. So if you try one that doesn't get you off it might just be that model, not all vibrators. In fact the one I have is a muscle massager you can buy at Walgreens. Made by conair.


----------



## FatherofTwo (Dec 6, 2014)

Sandie said:


> I need the wire in case it goes in too far and I have to retrieve it!


That's what tongs are for and yes I mean tongs without the .......... H  !?!?


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

LuvIsTuff said:


> First off, my wife is extremely religious. The erotica book would be completely out of bounds. She would equate it with porn.
> 
> I was in a "sex shop" recently, buying some message oil for a little weekend getaway(which never even got opened). I had never been in a store like that before, but obviously I had to look around. I came across the bullet/egg vibrators and wanted so badly to buy one for my wife, but I didn't because I think she'd flip out. This is a woman that rarely lets me give her oral, refuses to give me oral, and is basically a prude and lacks the willingness to experiment. But if I could just get her to use that vibrator, maybe, just maybe, it would rock her world so much that she'd be more interested in fooling around. I'd gladly take a simple HJ just to watch her get off with a vibrator. :smthumbup:


Sounds like my wife in many ways. Educated by nuns (and I mean NONE!) in Catholic girls schools, when we dated in college told me that nuns had said that anything was OK after marriage. After marriage told me that nuns had no idea the kind of depraved things men wanted their wives to do. Promised me oral, never happened, never will as it is just too dirty (both give and recieve). Anal is out of the question, her words. Mine has huge body self-image issues which means mostly lights out sex, sex limited to two and only two positions (missionary and cowgirl). However, she really has mastered those two positions pretty well, so it is good, when it happens.

I have purchased her 3 vibrators of various styles. None has ever been used, even when I offered to use them on her. My W told our sex therapist who helped save our marriage that she had never masturbated (and I believe her). When asked by the sex therapist why not? My wife said she had a husband to do that for her when she needed sex.

My advice is to work on yourself and get a life. Become interesting then set boundaries with your wife that she can live with. Then enforce them. Our sex therapist helped us negotiate boundaries that push my wife. We do have sex twice a week in one of two positions, we have some touching and lots of foreplay for her to the point she orgasms most times we have sex. Sometimes, when she is really tired she will initiate and ask that I take her while she holds me and enjoys my coming to orgasm in her. 

The kinkiest thing I have got my wife to do was get pedicures and then engage in some light foot fetishism.

Good luck to you. Be open with your W, listen carefully for any new experience she might be willing to try, get some professional help if you can.

P.S. When I was in a SSM, I purchased a Tanga Flip. Ever now and then if my wife is too tired to have sex with me or falls asleep on a night we agreed to have sex and I get frustrated, I will pull it out the morning after and masturbate with it. She has a hard time with that as it reminds her that I needed sex and she didn't deliver on her end of the sex therapist negotiated reconciliation deal, but it is also not my verbally criticising her or pressuring her to do anything she doesn't want to do. 

Some times when she asks me not to, I tell her I am a sexual being and that I am not ashamed of that and I have no intention of hiding my sexuality from my wife. The I ask her to hold me in her arms while I continue to maturbate. She will do that. When we talk at such times, I tell her that is she just can't have sex with me, to tell me that she will in the morning or the next night. She never seems able to do that. 

Having said that, things are so very much better than when she was actively angry at me and we only had sex every several months.


----------



## 1marriedlady (Mar 27, 2015)

Well I did it. I bought my first sex toy. I feel empowered. I can count on one hand the number of times I've had an orgasm. Everything I've heard says this might help. Fingers crossed.

DH doesn't know, yet. I plan on self pleasuring first to get use to it and learning what gets me and then hopefully slowly bring the topic up with him.

I also bought a pc/ kegel exercise dodad, and DH knows about that. So hopefully he's ok with my new toy.


----------



## Shake_It_Up (Apr 1, 2015)

1marriedlady said:


> Well I did it. I bought my first sex toy. I feel empowered. I can count on one hand the number of times I've had an orgasm. Everything I've heard says this might help. Fingers crossed.
> 
> DH doesn't know, yet. I plan on self pleasuring first to get use to it and learning what gets me and then hopefully slowly bring the topic up with him.
> 
> I also bought a pc/ kegel exercise dodad, and DH knows about that. So hopefully he's ok with my new toy.


You go, girl! Getcha some!!!!


----------



## 1marriedlady (Mar 27, 2015)

Shake It Up - here's hoping,:smthumbup:
I just need alone time to play and explorer.


----------



## Shake_It_Up (Apr 1, 2015)

1marriedlady said:


> Shake It Up - here's hoping,
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I'm sure you'll figure something out.


----------

