# Is my marriage salveagable?



## nitewolf

Hello to all. New here so I will fill out my profile later. On to my problem and forgive me if i am posting in wrong section. This may be long winded.

I am a 57 yr old man married for 8 yrs to a woman who I truly thought was my soul mate. I have 3 step daughters the youngest being 18. When I met my wife the youngest who was 8 at the time had a lot of resentment towards me since I think she thought I was replacing her dad. I explained i wasn't a replacement as her mother also told her. We constantly butted heads (step daughter and me) and since she has grown up things got slightly better but far from ideal. At the age of 18 I expect her to respect our house and keep fithy garbage from accumulating in her room. She refuses to do so and her mother continued to allow it, among other bad behavior. This has made me feel like what I have to say doesn't matter and that it wasn't a 50 50 deal on parents say so.

Feeling the way I did about not being heard made me angry at her and at my wife to an extent. She got away with murder and has more benefits than her other 2 sisters of a previous marriage. It affected how I felt about everything. It affected the passion I had for my wife and the amount of sex we had. This went on for a couple of yrs.

Foolishly I didn't try hard enough to understand why a simple thing such as that couldn't be accomplished and was ignored. Also the back talk to me and my wife went ignored.

I understand now why it was like that. 2 yrs after i met my wife her ex which is the youngest's father was found guilty of criminal sexual misconduct with a minor(s). He did this to the 2 oldest daughters for yrs and nothing was ever said. This was when they were still married and I hadn't met my wife yet. He was accused and found guilty while I was married to my wife.



I made a mistake earlier on by sending inappropriate texts to a mutual friend. It wasn't something I was going to follow through on but more like entertainment and wanting to feel important. My wife and the friend and myself got together for a chat about that and it was realized it really wouldn't lead anywhere and I never wanted to take it further and it really meant nothing. So I was forgiven. This happened about a yr or so ago.

So as life went on my feelings of frustration continued to affect me. Finally she told me why she let all those thing slide. It was because of her feeling guilty she didn't protect her kids. I didn't understand until she told me that and now feel guilty I didn't see it. I did and still do love my wife like no other but she told me she wasn't in love with me because the feelings of passion and lack of enough sex wasn't there for her. She says she wants more and just wants to be best friends free to explore other possibilities.

I must add that it was just recently she told me this. The reason she told me was because one night laying in bed, spooning and holding her, she was texting. I thought nothing of it because friends and clients text her a LOT all hrs of day and night. But.. she may have thought i was sleeping or whatever and I saw her text to another guy in a very provocative manner. I got mad and got out of bed. She asked what was wrong and I told her I saw what she was texting. Thats when she told me she wasn't in love with me any more and that the text was just a way of feeling the things she felt she was missing. This other guy is someone who she never met and was to an extent anonymous. She coaches volleyball. as does the guy she was texting. He lives 10 hrs from us. My wife and her daughter had made plans to go to some sort of function out of state and I was told he was going to be there too.

My wife says she doesn't want to marry again and doesn't want to be in any sort of binding relationship at this point in time. She wants me to stay at home because she says its my home too and everything I love is here. She just feels she needs to be free to explore. We are still married and divorce was touched upon but nothing concrete has been said about that.

Is there still a chance I can get my wife back? I have done all I can to show how much I love her and she says she knows that I am sincere. Or am I just fooling myself?

when I ask if there's a chance all I get is "I don't know"... at least it isn't a total no


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## hibiscus

Yes there is still a chance but you both need to work on this.

Your W talks about lack of passion so its sounds like you both have become room mates. Especially if there is hardly any sex. This is so common in long term relationships. People just get "bored" of each other after a while

Can you change that? Pay her more attention? Seduce her? Are you neglecting her as a woman?

Otherwise she will probably ask for a separation to find out what she wants.


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## Shadow_Nirvana

I think you should post this in the "Coping With Infidelity" thread.

She needs to go NC for the marriage to have a chance, that's the basic step. But she probably won't, so I don't think you'll have too much of a choice beside divorce.

And by the way, the out-of-state function, they wil definitely go physical, if they haven't already.


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## nitewolf

hibiscus said:


> Yes there is still a chance but you both need to work on this.
> 
> Your W talks about lack of passion so its sounds like you both have become room mates. Especially if there is hardly any sex. This is so common in long term relationships. People just get "bored" of each other after a while
> 
> Can you change that? Pay her more attention? Seduce her? Are you neglecting her as a woman?
> 
> Otherwise she will probably ask for a separation to find out what she wants.


I have changed that on several occasions since all of this came out. The sex last night and a few days ago was great. She still doesn't want all of the kissing and such... just the act of having sex. I would have put all the "passion" as in the kissing and foreplay into it but she doesn't want to do that now.
She told me that she doesn't want it to be a husband and wife kind of relationship but more of an open ended relationship.

This all came out this morning after a full blown argument about this guy she plans on meeting but she still denies that she has plans to become physical with him since she doesn't even know what he looks like.

So I have a decision to make now. Can I live with an open relationship or not? Am I willing to do the same as in taking home any female for a one night stand?

This has become something that I need to figure out if it's worth it to me to do this in the hopes that maybe someday she will come to the realization that she wants a traditional marriage.

I'm now contemplating divorce as an option to try and distance myself from her. It's only been about a week that this has been thrown on me and I know she has had months to think about this.

She says that maybe down the road she will find her feelings for our marriage that we once had. I now have to decide if I can live with it.


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## terrence4159

sorry but she has checked out unless you are ok with an open relationship file for D and move on with your life. she does not love you and does not want to be with you anymore. you are her plan B right now he is her plan A. thats why she is stringing you along with the it may work down the line BS. i know i heard it before (from my XW)


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## keko

Open ended relationship? Unless you're OK with her bringing in HIV/AIDS into your house, I suggest you run!


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## nitewolf

Shadow_Nirvana said:


> I think you should post this in the "Coping With Infidelity" thread.
> 
> She needs to go NC for the marriage to have a chance, that's the basic step. But she probably won't, so I don't think you'll have too much of a choice beside divorce.
> 
> And by the way, the out-of-state function, they wil definitely go physical, if they haven't already.


At this point in time, knowing how she feels about what she want's, I don't see the logic of her not telling me the truth about not going there for an affair.

This morning was a full scale yelling match, me asking if she was planning on an affair. She says there are no such plans but wants the opportunity to have one if the physical attraction is there.

I might add that this guy doesn't even know she is married. I asked her previously if she had told him and she said she came clean and he still wanted to be friends. Another conversation revealed she lied to me. She openly admitted that she lied and hasn't told him she is married. I have his email address but am hesitant to mail him and tell him. I feel it's not fair to him not knowing. On the other hand I want to keep a remote amount of respect to my wife and not tell him.

As I mentioned in my reply to hibiscus, she wants the opportunity to explore and have this as an open ended relationship for now. I have to come to a decision on whether or not I can live with that or seek a divorce. In either case she says she still wants to be "best friends" and doesn't want me to leave our home. She knows my whole life is here and all that I love is here. I'm just not if sure she's doing this out of pity or simply convenience or keeping the possibility of finding her real love for me again.

Also this out of state function is a type of Marti gras affair and it's not her daughter who is going with her but 2 lesbian friends lol

If an admin of this site thinks this topic should be moved please do so.

Also, my wife is not a lesbian


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## nitewolf

terrence4159 said:


> sorry but she has checked out unless you are ok with an open relationship file for D and move on with your life. she does not love you and does not want to be with you anymore. you are her plan B right now he is her plan A. thats why she is stringing you along with the it may work down the line BS. i know i heard it before (from my XW)


I do know now she has checked out. As to him being plan A I'm not so sure but I do know that right now I am plan B. It's killing me knowing this and the only reason I am entertaining the idea of an open ended is that I still love her with all my heart and soul. She is all I can think of right now. This happened suddenly on me. I haven't had time to absorb it all and am grasping at straws. I want this to work so badly, foolish as it may seem. I actually had thoughts of doing something completely stupid but I do know life is still worth living. This is the hardest thing that I have ever encountered in my life.


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## nitewolf

keko said:


> Open ended relationship? Unless you're OK with her bringing in HIV/AIDS into your house, I suggest you run!


She hasn't said she is going to do anything but wants the freedom to do so. if the time comes that she actually does commit the act then I need to make a decision. I can't live without her right now and i can't live with her... I'm just a jumble of emotions and a real mess at this point.


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## keko

nitewolf said:


> She hasn't said she is going to do anything but wants the freedom to do so. if the time comes that she actually does commit the act then I need to make a decision. I can't live without her right now and i can't live with her... I'm just a jumble of emotions and a real mess at this point.


What makes you think she'll admit she's been cheating to you? She'll lose her backup plan(you). Of course she's not going admit it if you ask her. 

If you want to heal faster, you need to get to the bottom of this fast. Find out who she's ALREADY sleeping with and that'll give you tge boost to get off the emotional roller coaster you're on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nitewolf

keko said:


> What makes you think she'll admit she's been cheating to you? She'll lose her backup plan(you). Of course she's not going admit it if you ask her.
> 
> If you want to heal faster, you need to get to the bottom of this fast. Find out who she's ALREADY sleeping with and that'll give you tge boost to get off the emotional roller coaster you're on.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She is adamant that she hasn't cheated on my physically. I don't see the logic as to her not telling me because she has already said if I can't live with this she will file the D papers asap.

She has some deep emotional baggage and feels everything is her fault.. EVERYTHING. At least that's what she's telling me in tears. I say we are both to blame for all of this and should share the burden.


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## hibiscus

nitewolf said:


> She hasn't said she is going to do anything but wants the freedom to do so. if the time comes that she actually does commit the act then I need to make a decision. I can't live without her right now and i can't live with her... I'm just a jumble of emotions and a real mess at this point.


wow.This is a tough one because it sounds like she is not budging from her decision.

If you have had conversations on how to improve your relationship and she is still harping on about wanting her freedom, then you will have to let this go.Its gonna be a tough ride for you as this is not what you wanted but you cannot control it.

She may change her mind after she has had future affairs ( and there will be affairs looming). But in the meantime I would try and move forward without her. Its very, very difficult to do this but you are not plan B. DONT give her that option!! You are not a doormat! You deserve to be loved and respected. 

You say you cannot live without her but believe me, your feelings towards her will change the more she hurts you. You will start to fall out of love gradually.

My partner and I are currently in R and the relationship is blossoming but my feelings for him will never be the same. I loved him 100%..could not live without him..he was the only one who made me happy f..felt so lucky etc etc. That was before he cheated on me.

8 months later and yes I do love him but I have changed. He no longer has that power over me. I actually see him more realistically and I see a man with lots of issues. He is suddenly not as appealing as he use to be. I sometimes think he is weak and pathetic for cheating on me. Off putting traits

There is still hope in your situation, even if you cant see it at the moment


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## nitewolf

Also.. any suggestions as to how i can investigate if she has done something physical?


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## nitewolf

hibiscus said:


> wow.This is a tough one because it sounds like she is not budging from her decision.
> 
> If you have had conversations on how to improve your relationship and she is still harping on about wanting her freedom, then you will have to let this go.Its gonna be a tough ride for you as this is not what you wanted but you cannot control it.
> 
> She may change her mind after she has had future affairs ( and there will be affairs looming). But in the meantime I would try and move forward without her. Its very, very difficult to do this but you are not plan B. DONT give her that option!! You are not a doormat! You deserve to be loved and respected.
> 
> You say you cannot live without her but believe me, your feelings towards her will change the more she hurts you. You will start to fall out of love gradually.
> 
> My partner and I are currently in R and the relationship is blossoming but my feelings for him will never be the same. I loved him 100%..could not live without him..he was the only one who made me happy f..felt so lucky etc etc. That was before he cheated on me.
> 
> 8 months later and yes I do love him but I have changed. He no longer has that power over me. I actually see him more realistically and I see a man with lots of issues. He is suddenly not as appealing as he use to be. I sometimes think he is weak and pathetic for cheating on me. Off putting traits
> 
> There is still hope in your situation, even if you cant see it at the moment


We had agreed to be best friends with benefits and the sex was good last night.. but it was only that... just sex. I was hoping by doing so that it would make her think a bit more about what she says she is missing in the relationship. You are correct in saying she still isn't budging on her decision. My insecurities right now are telling me that if i say to her... yes we are still best friends but there will be no sex that she will definitely go looking elsewhere and it will make her final decision that it's completely over.
This is my problem at the moment. She hasn't said it's over.... it's just over for now because she needs to find the feelings she had for me again.

I'm sure she is still texting this guy possibly in an inappropriate way because she admitted to me she lied by not letting this guy know she is married. The reason I got was that he was going to be pissed because apparently he is a "good guy" and a gentleman.

I know I'm not a door mat and quite possibly just hanging on to hopes and dreams that will not materialize. In other ways she is a strong woman and has never had any inhibitions saying what she thinks to anyone, including myself.

I'm not sure if her blaming herself for all the problems is her way of trying to piss me off enough to leave or not. I don't think that's the case since she freely admits that if I can't handle this she will file for divorce ASAP.

I hope they invent that time machine soon lol

Also we are still living in the same house in different bedrooms. She doesn't want me to lose everything I love here and this much I know she is truthful of


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## nitewolf

I just spoke to her about the sex thing and told her if she does go out and do it there will be no sex between us, but the friendship and love of a friend will remain. reason bein.. possible STD

I simply don't know what else to do. I can't even begin to describe how i feel about her. As i type this, I would still walk to hell and back for her.. i would take a bullet for her... she is still everything to me, as foolish as this may sound to some.


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## keko

nitewolf said:


> Also.. any suggestions as to how i can investigate if she has done something physical?


Depends, if she's getting advice from someone that's been there before she'll make sure not leave any evidence behind her back but if she's a bit sloppy you might be able to find something.

Start by checking her call/text logs and see if there is a number you don't recognize. Oh and don't check it from her phone as it's very easy to delete the history on those, go to the website of the phone provider or check the latest bill.

Do you have access to her emails and facebook?

From the way you described her and what she's telling you, it's screaming an ongoing affair rather then a past one. So it wouldn't take much effort to find the evidence.


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## terrence4159

dont investigate just DIVORCE her and move on you deserve better. and if you want to make the marriage work the shock of the D papers may (a small MAY) snap her out of her deal if not then dont look back


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## nitewolf

keko said:


> Depends, if she's getting advice from someone that's been there before she'll make sure not leave any evidence behind her back but if she's a bit sloppy you might be able to find something.
> 
> Start by checking her call/text logs and see if there is a number you don't recognize. Oh and don't check it from her phone as it's very easy to delete the history on those, go to the website of the phone provider or check the latest bill.
> 
> Do you have access to her emails and facebook?
> 
> From the way you described her and what she's telling you, it's screaming an ongoing affair rather then a past one. So it wouldn't take much effort to find the evidence.


As to her call and text logs she has over 700 contacts lol. A lot from her volleyball club some clients, friends etc. So the majority of those numbers are ones that are unfamiliar. I had access to her mail and did find a slightly provocative non nude picture she sent to this same guy I found out about. this was after the confrontation about the sexting i saw her do. I asked her if she or him had ever sent any pictures back and forth and of course she lied and said no. So I told her i saw the email. She got very angry at that point and told me it was definitely over between us. Then she later said she was wrong in doing so and that I deserved better from her. She was an emotional wreck when she told me that. She changed her password.

I'm beginning to wake up slowly now. Things are beginning to fall into place for me as I type this. She guards her phone. She changed her password that she had freely given to me in the past. She refuses to cut off texting "Mr. Unknown". She wants an open relationship. She keeps blaming herself for everything and nothing she says seems to be my fault at all. She freely admits she will meet this guy. Her bedroom door closes during certain phonecalls when all other times it's open. She went out of her way to try and show me a text from this guy as being "innocent".
I'm in total tears right now as I type this... I believed there may have been an even slight chance of reconciliation.. and maybe there might be but right now all I see is despair and utter devastation. Love really is blind and right now I don't know if I could ever trust anyone else that may come along. I don't even want to look for it.


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## nevergveup

nitewolf said:


> I have changed that on several occasions since all of this came out. The sex last night and a few days ago was great. She still doesn't want all of the kissing and such... just the act of having sex. I would have put all the "passion" as in the kissing and foreplay into it but she doesn't want to do that now.
> She told me that she doesn't want it to be a husband and wife kind of relationship but more of an open ended relationship.
> 
> This all came out this morning after a full blown argument about this guy she plans on meeting but she still denies that she has plans to become physical with him since she doesn't even know what he looks like.
> 
> So I have a decision to make now. Can I live with an open relationship or not? Am I willing to do the same as in taking home any female for a one night stand?
> 
> This has become something that I need to figure out if it's worth it to me to do this in the hopes that maybe someday she will come to the realization that she wants a traditional marriage.
> 
> I'm now contemplating divorce as an option to try and distance myself from her. It's only been about a week that this has been thrown on me and I know she has had months to think about this.
> 
> She says that maybe down the road she will find her feelings for our marriage that we once had. I now have to decide if I can live with it.



Well,the not wanting to kiss you part to me is a big red flag.
Sex but no kissing,not right.Sounds to me is shes using you 
as her back up plan.Sorry,but I think shes using you.
You deserve someone who's not so messed up.


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## nitewolf

nevergveup said:


> Well,the not wanting to kiss you part to me is a big red flag.
> Sex but no kissing,not right.Sounds to me is shes using you
> as her back up plan.Sorry,but I think shes using you.
> You deserve someone who's not so messed up.


Oddly enough she did say she felt she was using me to get needs fulfilled. All because I am familiar and convenient. She did say she felt selfish. I had agreed to do this in the hopes of hanging on to a prayer. I'm beginning to realize that I am just hurting myself but since this is so recent all the emotions are still there. I wouldn't wish my sadness and despair on my worse enemy at this point in time.


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## nitewolf

One thing I don't understand. Why is she not willing to tell this guy that she is married? If things spark between them surely he will find out. What then?

One other thing... she told me the ball is in my court now as to what will happen... still getting mixed signals


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## terrence4159

she wants you to DIVORCE her. there is no mixed signals! we all want you to have a happy marriage we really do. with this woman you cant shes gone and is waiting for you to end it so it looks like you gave up (been there done that 9 years ago she cheated i D her she would not D me but was remarried before ink dried)


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## terrence4159

and tell her when she gets back from her out of town trip you will be gone and Divorce papers will be in you place, then go dark on her no contact whats so ever


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## naga75

you dont seem like you are wanting an "open marriage", so why let her force you into it? or i should say manipulate you into it since she seems to know how much you care for her, that you may even stick around after something happens with this other guy KNOWING FULL WELL that it is/has happened.
you said you werent a doormat in an earlier post on this thread...
sorry my man, thats EXACTLY what you are acting like IMO.

an open marriage? do you want one? if not put it to her like this:
"fvck that".
no confusion there.


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## terrence4159

and QUIT wondering whats going on in her head only worry about YOU!


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## keko

nitewolf said:


> As to her call and text logs she has over 700 contacts lol. A lot from her volleyball club some clients, friends etc. So the majority of those numbers are ones that are unfamiliar. I had access to her mail and did find a slightly provocative non nude picture she sent to this same guy I found out about. this was after the confrontation about the sexting i saw her do. I asked her if she or him had ever sent any pictures back and forth and of course she lied and said no. So I told her i saw the email. She got very angry at that point and told me it was definitely over between us. Then she later said she was wrong in doing so and that I deserved better from her. She was an emotional wreck when she told me that. She changed her password.
> 
> I'm beginning to wake up slowly now. Things are beginning to fall into place for me as I type this. She guards her phone. She changed her password that she had freely given to me in the past. She refuses to cut off texting "Mr. Unknown". She wants an open relationship. She keeps blaming herself for everything and nothing she says seems to be my fault at all. She freely admits she will meet this guy. Her bedroom door closes during certain phonecalls when all other times it's open. She went out of her way to try and show me a text from this guy as being "innocent".
> I'm in total tears right now as I type this... I believed there may have been an even slight chance of reconciliation.. and maybe there might be but right now all I see is despair and utter devastation. Love really is blind and right now I don't know if I could ever trust anyone else that may come along. I don't even want to look for it.


There are so many red flags..... Why didn't you put a stop to it when it was small? Now that it's a much bigger mess you only have a very slim chance in getting back your marriage.

The best thing you can do from now on is never confront her with little you have. OK?

Until you show her a picture of her banging some other dude she'll just deny it. So there is no good outcome in confronting her with circumstantial evidence. Actually that'll only make her hide better next time.

Either hire a PI or take off a few days from work and gather intel yourself.


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