# So...my kids have no idea why I want to divorce mom



## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

It's so hard...they are too young to understand why dad "fusses" at mom and why I want a divorce. How do you tell a 13 year old and a 10 year old "Well, mom hasn't had sex with dad in x years, she won't get a job, complains about being broke, won't cook, can't clean, and takes me for granted."????

I feel like an ogre in their eyes.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

To say any of that to your kids would be very poor form and terrible parenting. You will also risk having them turn on you.

A better approach is to talk to the children in an age appropriate way "mum and dad are getting divorced because we no longer make each other happy and everyone has the right to be happy. We both love you with all our hearts and want you to know that our divorce is not because of you. We will always love you and will always be your parents."

Be an adult about it.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You don't give them details. They don't need them.

Just say mom and dad have tried very hard to make things work but that the marriage isn't working. And reassure them constantly that this is not their fault and that you both love them to the moon and back.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

I took the high road and never said anything bad about my kids' mother, and they still turned on me.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

That might be why they turned on you sam.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

[QUOTEA better approach is to talk to the children in an age appropriate way "mum and dad are getting divorced because we no longer make each other happy and everyone has the right to be happy.][/QUOTE]

But then they will think its O.K to get a divorce and wreck their own childrens lives when they grow up and their husband or wife isn't "making them happy" and that right trumps all....and they will think getting a divorce WILL make them "happy" too.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

tacoma said:


> That might be why they turned in you sam.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think you're right.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Sometimes..... they already kind of "know". I had 5 teens when ex walked out. No fighting, no bs. Just walked out. The oldest (age 17) at the time asked "Why is he such a d*ck?" Ya, I had no answer to that. All I could do is reassure them that we'll be alright. 

And, minus the stress in the house....we were way better than alright. The kids "get it"...on their own level. No reason to give them details. They have no idea on the detail level, nor should they. But they know that things aren't working out well, and that a divorce is possible. 

Like the others said... just tell them that it's going to be ok and that it's NOT about them, and that you both love them and will be there for them. 

I used to be on an mlc site. The LBS women would rant about how he divorced "us". No, he divorced YOU....not the kids. My point is, do it right when you are in front of the kids and don't make their mom look bad, be the dad you want your kids to be proud of. In other words, take the high road. Keep them out of the business of divorce. 

If you really get stuck, talk to a counselor who works with children. Get their input before talking to the kids. Even better if wife is on board and wants to make it less hard for the kids.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> Just say mom and dad have tried very hard to make things work but that the marriage isn't working.


I also wouldn't say that.."the marriage" makes it sound like its some 3rd party not the two people that aren't working.You know like its not me or your mom we have worked really really hard but "the marriage" just wouldn't work with us.

How about WE or I don't WANT to be married anymore living in the same house together because WE make each other miserbable and we FAILED at working it out and we would rather NOT be together anymore because we gave UP hope?

Don't confuse them with "the marriage"(the 3rd entity) or the lie that "the marriage should make you happy" crap.Do them a favor and without details just say you are miserable being married to each other and you don't want to waste anymore of your life being that way you want to be free to be single instead or you might lose your mind.And please don't say "to find someone else to make you happy 2nd marriages end in divorce at a higher rate than first.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

> dallasapple said:
> 
> 
> > [QUOTEA better approach is to talk to the children in an age appropriate way "mum and dad are getting divorced because we no longer make each other happy and everyone has the right to be happy.]
> ...


[/QUOTE]

You are reading way too much into a 2 line sentence on a forum. Honestly if you believe that then wow. No what I said was to talk to them in age appropriate language, telling a child you are getting divorced because mum won't put out is deplorable.
It is far better to talk to kids in a kind way and then of course any involved loving parent will continue to have communication with their children as they grow up and the language and lessons are then communicated in a more mature language.

As an adult I know far more detail about my parents divorce than I did as a child. As an adult I can rationalise and understand it far better because I have a lot more life experience. 

And yes everyone has the right to be happy. i would rather my kids understand that if they were in a bad marriage that they have a choice to divorce rather than stay married for life in an unhappy situation.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> I also wouldn't say that.."the marriage" makes it sound like its some 3rd party not the two people that aren't working.You know like its not me or your mom we have worked really really hard but "the marriage" just wouldn't work with us.
> 
> *How about WE or I don't WANT to be married anymore living in the same house together because WE make each other miserbable and we FAILED at working it out and we would rather NOT be together anymore because we gave UP hope?*
> 
> Don't confuse them with "the marriage"(the 3rd entity) or the lie that "the marriage should make you happy" crap.Do them a favor and without details just say you are miserable being married to each other and you don't want to waste anymore of your life being that way you want to be free to be single instead or you might lose your mind.And please don't say "to find someone else to make you happy 2nd marriages end in divorce at a higher rate than first.


Surely you jest? Telling a child that would cause them terrible pain and is so completely negative.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

A couple of links that might help you out here.

Double Take: Parent asks how to tell teens about divorce / LJWorld.com


K - 12 - FamilyEducation.com


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> Surely you jest? Telling a child that would cause them terrible pain and is so completely negative.


Maybe I'm extreme in the terminology but NO not in jest.

DIVORCE IS negative and they will FEEL the negativeness of it..MOST divorce is over NEGATIVE relationship dynamics..Why lie?

Don't fool them and say "the marriage failed" ..its the two POEPLE that failed..Don't kid them and say "we don't make each other happy"say we make each other miserbable..Marriage isn't to "make someone happy".Its definately though not to make each other rmiserable.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

I'm not talking about WHAT to tell the children. I'm talking about no matter what, they won't understand until they're adults. And that sucks for me now.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

BeachGuy said:


> I'm not talking about WHAT to tell the children. I'm talking about no matter what, they won't understand until they're adults. And that sucks for me now.


So what? This applies to lots of things not just divorce. My kids don't understand why daddy has to work all the time. They don't get the concept of money, bills or a little thing called a recession. Many things kids won't understand until they are adults.

This isn't going to stop me from doing what I feel I must.


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## Balancing Act (Mar 23, 2013)

Have you told your wife you want a divorce? If not, maybe you should do that first, get past some of the pain and anger and then when you are both able to accept the inevitable, sit down together with the kids. Have you been to counseling? Maybe the two of you should speak to a marriage counselor, even if your goal is to discuss how to prepare the kids. I wouldn't approach this lightly if I were you.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

BeachGuy said:


> I'm not talking about WHAT to tell the children. I'm talking about no matter what, they won't understand until they're adults. And that sucks for me now.


That is something that is just the reality of divorce.


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## geek down (May 10, 2012)

BeachGuy said:


> I'm not talking about WHAT to tell the children. I'm talking about no matter what, they won't understand until they're adults. And that sucks for me now.


I don't think you're giving them enough credit..

They ARE going to get mad..They ARE going to hurt.. Its part of the process...be tactful, but be honest.


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## geek down (May 10, 2012)

I know when there was a problem when I was a kid the one time my parents kept it from me and my sister till they knew what they were dealing with pissed me AND my sister off more than anything...

They never hid anything from us after that..no matter how bad.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

BeachGuy said:


> I'm not talking about WHAT to tell the children. I'm talking about no matter what, they won't understand until they're adults. And that sucks for me now.


I agree with the others you aren't giving them enough credit.Especially they are 10 and 13.Odds are they have friends who's parents are divorced too.But the point is even if they "understand" that doesn't mean they aren't going to suffer to some extent over it or be angry about it.And really what is there to understand other than you don't want to be married and under the same roof anymore?And I will bet they are going to ask why.You can tell them the truth without giving them gory details.

And yeah it sucks for you .But you can't have your cake and eat it too.I'm sure you know many couples stay married long after they would have otherwise divorced had they not had kids to avoid what you are saying sucks.That is why one of the "peak" divorce times is around 20/22 years because that is a typical time frame that kids would be reaching adulthood.

My understanding though is what does the most damage to children(emotionally) due to divorce it typically the fighting and nastiness between the 2 parents escalates right up to and during and frequently after the divorce for quite some time.So the only cushion you can give them is to be as civil towards each other as you possibly can.Too many divorces are like a war.Even if there was fighting before/ during the marriage as I mentioned it escalates and on top of the children's daily routines and or lifestyle is turned upside down.

But the part about them "understanding" doesn't make any difference really.I know lots of adults who "understand" why their parents divorced and they are still resentful over it and or negatively affected by it.Including as I mentioned even staying in unhappy marriages themselves because they don't want to put their kids through what they went through.The best thing you can do is not demonize each other and point to blame one or the other.Of course it depends on the circumstances sometimes its plain as day obvious one party is the cause for the "need" to get a divorce but usually its a complicated mixed bag of why one or both don't want to essentially live under the same roof anymore.Which is what it boils down to .


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Also find a family counselor who specializes in this. Make your kids go, they'll need it. I thought my kids would be fine (and for the most part they are) but my oldest was definitely changed by the divorce.


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## MissMe (Feb 26, 2013)

BeachGuy said:


> It's so hard...they are too young to understand why dad "fusses" at mom and why I want a divorce. How do you tell a 13 year old and a 10 year old "Well, mom hasn't had sex with dad in x years, she won't get a job, complains about being broke, won't cook, can't clean, and takes me for granted."????
> 
> I feel like an ogre in their eyes.


*They should never hear those words from you. You tell them quite simply, we have fallen out of love. PERIOD.*


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

geek down said:


> I don't think you're giving them enough credit..
> 
> They ARE going to get mad..They ARE going to hurt.. Its part of the process...be tactful, but be honest.


:iagree: And be loving to your children. Let them know you love them throughout this entire process (I know you will  ). I would also let them know that you do love their Mom as well. Never bash the stbx to the kids.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

BeachGuy said:


> I'm not talking about WHAT to tell the children. I'm talking about no matter what, they won't understand until they're adults. And that sucks for me now.


You need to give your kids more credit here. They WILL understand before they are adults, they are 10 and 13, and adults never give kids this age enough credit. They understand WAY more than we think! They may get it now, but it doesnt mean it doesnt hurt them anyway. I am all for being HONEST with your children...that doesnt mean presenting it in a brutal way. Have enough respect for your kids to be open with them, and to have a civil relationship with their mom. And I agree with others, it is important to express what's happened without bashing their mother. (hard as that may be!)


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> They WILL understand before they are adults, they are 10 and 13, and adults never give kids this age enough credit.


Exactly and especially the 13 yo..Seriously they may already know other KIDS who have had a BF or GF and the drama and their "breakups"..ya know "Sally "cheated"(kissed another guy) on Steve so they broke up.Look at the FB (if they have one) they are "in relationship not in relationship" like a revolving door.STILL they look to the parents as the primary example and their STABILITY.So understanding as I mentioned doesn't change the hurt/confusion and instability they feel .And they certainly don't need ONE parent to be the "bad guy" like in the case of Sally.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> Honestly if you believe that then wow. No what I said was to talk to them in age appropriate language, telling a child you are getting divorced because mum won't put out is deplorable.


I 100% agree with that.Telling the kids mom wont have sex, mom cant cook and wont clean and doesn't make any money so I'm dumping her is absolutely twisted.(they get the idea mom for dad is for sex and domestic servitude and $$).But my point was telling them "we don't make each other happy anymore" is also very misleading and really not even the truth either. You don't want to plant the idea into a young persons head that their future spouse's role is to "make them happy".Its closer to the truth in this case to say something more along the lines of "we don't make a good team"and or "we are hurting each other"..."we think we will be better people separate than together".That is age appropriate by the way.Its never appropriate IMHO at any age to say your spouse is supposed to "make you happy"..I would say your spouse is not supposed to TRY to make you unhappy/miserable.There is a difference.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

So here's the pickle...my wife is the most passive woman on the planet. Everyone thinks she's the sweetest thing in the world. And yes, I have fussed at her on many occasions. Not yelled, "fussed". My kids have heard that from time to time. But they've NEVER heard mom say a mean thing to anybody. Because she is very careful to never let them hear. She'll talk about other people in a minute but never around anyone but me. She'll fuss back at me and say things but never ever when anyone else is even in the same house.

So in my kids eyes, daddy's "mean" to mommy. (I don't curse or anything out of line). I could ask my wife why she didn't get milk when she went to the store and she'd say I was being demanding and my 10 year old would defend her. Because she's so timid and passive, she's comes across to others as completely defenseless and "could never be mean to anyone".

For those that don't know my story, I filed for divorce 7 weeks ago. My 13 year old already knows and seems to be ok with it for the most part. My 10 y/o has no clue yet. And per our counselors advice, we will sit down with her together and tell her at some point when it gets close to one of us moving out (probably me).


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## geek down (May 10, 2012)

Explain to your kids the definition of Bull-sugar.. I think Yin coined that...Its when someone is trying to deface you and doing it with a sickeningly sweet phrase that makes it sound nice..until you think about what was said.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> I could ask my wife why she didn't get milk when she went to the store and she'd say I was being demanding and my 10 year old would defend her. Because she's so timid and passive, she's comes across to others as completely defenseless and "could never be mean to anyone".



Are you saying that she WAS being mean to you by not getting milk?

If she went to the store and didn't get milk what answer by her when you said "why didn't you get milk" would have satiified you ?


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> Because she's so timid and passive, she's comes across to others as completely defenseless and "could never be mean to anyone".


Maybe she is "defensive" ???You admitted you "fuss" at her as well as you are going to divorce her for your reasons listed in the OP.I highly doubt she doesn't "get that vibe" no matter if you are yelling or not.Especially if you are grilling her over milk.

You are leaving her anyway.Why bother with arguing over milk?Look forward to the divorce.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

BeachGuy said:


> But they've NEVER heard mom say a mean thing to anybody. Because she is very careful to never let them hear. She'll talk about other people in a minute but never around anyone but me. She'll fuss back at me and say things but never ever when anyone else is even in the same house.


I've been married to a master at that. And boy was she a merciless savage on the inside. 

Kids are pretty perceptive, and the lesson they are actually learning is that speaking softly doesn't guarantee keeping your husband. 

You can explain that actions speak louder than soft words, without being bitter and vindictive towards the mother.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

My children were 3 and 8 months when I asked their dad to leave. Unfortunately even at the age of 3, my eldest knew daddy was upsetting mummy. Things weren't volatile but after hearing me phone up the ex asking where he was yet again as he hadn't come home, my three-year-old said to me, "mummy, are you crying because daddy isn't coming home again?", I realised this was no environment to bring up kids, especially that young.

My eldest is now 9 and is starting to ask why me and daddy split up. I have been very "neutral" up until now, explaining as age-appropriately as I can that daddy and mummy didn't love each other anymore. Of course, she now wants to know WHY. And I haven't worked out what to say. Because I WANT to be honest with her but I want to RESPECT the relationship she has with her dad. I don't want to taint it and look like I'm *****ing about him.

Luckily six years on I bear no malice towards him, I actually feel sorry for him because he went on to do the exact same thing to his subsequent wife. It bit him back though as she got fed up, cheated on him and took their son to live with her AP.

My husband's mum divorced his dad when he was 3 and she *****ed about him to him for as long as he can remember. She still does it now. Hubz hated it. He understands it now, but as a child he just didn't get it. Of course he wouldn't.

I'd be honest without being nasty IYSWIM. Tailor it to what they can understand. They don't need to feel caught between you two so foster an atmosphere of respecting their relationship with mum and understanding that they may not get it and they might be angry with you. My husband thinks that the truth always comes out in the end with situations like this.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

dallasapple said:


> Maybe she is "defensive" ???You admitted you "fuss" at her as well as you are going to divorce her for your reasons listed in the OP.I highly doubt she doesn't "get that vibe" no matter if you are yelling or not.Especially if you are grilling her over milk.
> 
> You are leaving her anyway.Why bother with arguing over milk?Look forward to the divorce.


I think you missed the point. I wouldn't have been "grilling" her over not getting milk....that was just an example. I mean I can say any little thing like that and it gets interpreted as me being demanding.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

My mother was like your wife only difference is she did show her mean side when I hit the teenage years. Before that everyone thought she was a saint. Um no. But then again my dad never coddled her either. He was never 'nice' to her. He expected her to cook, clean and have sex. And you didn't dare cross my dad.

People who knew them both felt sorry for her but she was no victim. She knew exactly what she was doing.


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## elizabethdennis (Jan 16, 2013)

Holland said:


> To say any of that to your kids would be very poor form and terrible parenting. You will also risk having them turn on you.
> 
> A better approach is to talk to the children in an age appropriate way "mum and dad are getting divorced because we no longer make each other happy and everyone has the right to be happy. We both love you with all our hearts and want you to know that our divorce is not because of you. We will always love you and will always be your parents."
> 
> Be an adult about it.


I agree. You need not go in to details since it will just do more harm than good. Just give them the assurance that you love them and you will always be there for them no matter what.


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

I remember your story, beachguy. Is your wife planning on working, now that you are getting a divorce?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

tennisstar said:


> I remember your story, beachguy. Is your wife planning on working, now that you are getting a divorce?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


To resurrect an old thread....I was doing some re-reading and saw I never replied to this last post.

She says things like "I guess I'm going to have to get a job at some point" but I highly doubt she ever will. I think she'll live off of alimony and child support and her parents will fill in the gaps if she needs something like a new car or major repair or something.

And she won't take a job unless it's something she likes, which she'll never qualify for. She told me a couple of months ago that she "called the schools" and "asked around" and there are no jobs available. Yeah, right. No teaching jobs like she would like. But they just built a new shopping center near us with a dozen stores in it (3 major retailers) and created probably 200 jobs.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Only time will tell. Some women really do not want to ever have a job. I think they get set in their ways or used to living off others. It's odd. Not gender-specific either.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Only time will tell. Some women really do not want to ever have a job. I think they get set in their ways or used to living off others. It's odd. Not gender-specific either.


Heck who wouldn't want to have that freedom? But with her I think it's all about her mental immaturity. She never had to work for anything growing up and fully expects to be taken care of all her life. We don't live extravagently by any stretch of the imagination. In fact money is in short supply most weeks. She just sits at home all day and is happy doing that. No responsibility.

What's even stranger is every woman in her family and mine all worked full time jobs. Not sure why she thinks she's better than all of them. Insecurity maybe? Idk.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Just popping in to say "Hello", BeachGuy!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

BeachGuy said:


> Heck who wouldn't want to have that freedom? But with her I think it's all about her mental immaturity. She never had to work for anything growing up and fully expects to be taken care of all her life.


Makes perfect sense then.



BeachGuy said:


> What's even stranger is every woman in her family and mine all worked full time jobs. Not sure why she thinks she's better than all of them. Insecurity maybe? Idk.


That is odd. 

I think people just become set in their ways. 

I have been working since I was 15. I cannot imagine my life w/o a job. Even when married, I worked full-time. My ex would tell me one day I wouldn't have to work and I would get excited thinking about that day (meaning he would support us both) but alas, 1. it never came and 2. I'd prob go nuts if I were home all day. Because my lifestyle, the one I've grown accustomed to, getting up every day to work, isn't that of a non-worker, you know?


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

southern wife said:


> Just popping in to say "Hello", BeachGuy!


Hiya SW!!!!


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Makes perfect sense then.
> I have been working since I was 15. I cannot imagine my life w/o a job. Even when married, I worked full-time. My ex would tell me one day I wouldn't have to work and I would get excited thinking about that day (meaning he would support us both) but alas, 1. it never came and 2. I'd prob go nuts if I were home all day. Because my lifestyle, the one I've grown accustomed to, getting up every day to work, isn't that of a non-worker, you know?


Same here...I started working when I was 13. Anyone that can sit around all day with no purpose has a sad life. I couldn't do it. I work from home once a month or so and it's a reminder to me how boring it can be. Sitting in a quiet house for 8 hours at the computer (with a stbx you can't stand the sight of putzing around the house).

I would most definitely have something to occupy my time and generate income, even if I were the stay at home parent. Or be active in volunteering or something. She does n-o-t-h-i-n-g. A little laundry, dishes, chats on the phone....that's her entire day.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

BeachGuy said:


> Same here...I started working when I was 13. Anyone that can sit around all day with no purpose has a sad life. I couldn't do it.



I've been working blue collar since I was 14.

I could sit around for a month or so without too much guilt.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

tacoma said:


> I've been working blue collar since I was 14.
> 
> I could sit around for a month or so without too much guilt.


Well yeah...but not for years


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## Boottothehead (Sep 3, 2013)

My husband's ex wanted to be a SAHM, and it sounds like she had the same work ethic as your ex. Despite only having one relatively easygoing kid, the laundry, groceries, cooking, cleaning never got done, but she was online all day with her virtual friends. And my husband really has tried not to badmouth her to the kiddo. But now that she is older and asking questions, I worry that her mom won't be as chivalrous.


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## Pufferfish (Sep 25, 2013)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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