# Question for the ladies:



## hldnhope (Apr 10, 2012)

Bit of the back-story: my W is going through a bit of MLC and gave me the ILYBINILWY speech awhile back and we are currently 'working' on things. 

Anyways, my W is a manager for an investment firm with numerous people under her. In the past, I have sent her flowers to her office just out of the blue and she seemed to appreciate them. Well, the other day I happened to be off and I decided to show up at her office with a large boquet of flowers. She seemed happy about it and introduced me to some of her staff. She then proceeded to walk me back out of the building and she gave me a small kiss on the way out (something she hasn't done since last year). 

I was feeling pretty good about the whole thing, thinking I did a good thing and maybe even scored some points toward our reconciliation; HOWEVER when she got home that night she sat me down and told me that the fact that I showed up at her work and surprised her with the flowers 'drew too much attention' to her and she was not happy with that ( 'I like to keep my home life private, and out of the office and do not like anyone knowing my business' ). 

Now, I asked several peoples opinions about me doing this for her, and the answer was unanimous: 'she will love it'. So my questions are: 

1) Did I do something wrong? Over-step my bounds?

2) Is this how most woman feel? (seems like when we were going around meeting her staff, the woman seemed happy for my W, if not a bit jealous for having such a thoughtful H)

3) Am I maybe missing something here, like: maybe she doesn't want people/someone in particular knowing she has a H, or maybe she has 'something' else going on at work?

---I am just at my wits end with this roller-coaster ride of 'suppose to knowing' and all this emotional BS. It would be sooo much easier to just give this all up then continue on this ride that seemingly has NO END IN SIGHT!!!!


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Her affair partner works in her office.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

turnera said:


> Her affair partner works in her office.


Agreed. Put the ILYBINILWY with her not wanting you to show up with flowers at work... that would be my thought as well. I cannot fathom how, otherwise, your SPOUSE showing up is a problem... assuming that they all KNOW she is married, etc... it makes no sense.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You do know, right, that the ILYBINILWY speech comes with nearly EVERY affair?


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

What are you reconciling from?


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Have you confirmed there is an affair or not?

When did she give you the ILYBNILWY speech? Where is your marriage now?


_1) Did I do something wrong? Over-step my bounds?_

No and no. You did not rob a bank or do anything immoral or illegal.

_2) Is this how most woman feel? _

Some women feel this way. Some women do not at all like to have their professional lives cross with their personal lives. Men, too. And some don't. It all depends on the individual. I personally prefer not mix my professional life with my personal one as best as I can. 

Had you gone to her job in the past and had she told you this? 

_3) Am I maybe missing something here, like: maybe she doesn't want people/someone in particular knowing she has a H, or maybe she has 'something' else going on at work?_

Ask her directly to get your answer: "Am I missing something here?" Tell her to expand. Also, let her know how you feel.


----------



## hldnhope (Apr 10, 2012)

> Have you confirmed there is an affair or not?
> 
> When did she give you the ILYBNILWY speech? Where is your marriage now?


I've done a lot of 'researching' on this, and there is no evidence of this (time-wise-all is accountable; cell records; e-mails (other than work account)).

Speech: the beggining of this year, AFTER I asked if something was a-miss in our relationship after her not being affectionate for almost a year (kissing, hugging, holding, touching...not even talking about the lack of sex). I was (and am still to an extent) devistated; she asked for 'time and space'. We have since been going to a MC which has helped me, but not her so much.

At the time of the speech, she seemed fine just continuing our marriage as it was currently (room-mates), but I told her I could not/would not want to live like that. 

I have been working on the 180 and working out, but she still just seems to be in this 'limbo' state. Things seemed to be getting better lately: us hanging out together more, talking/communicating more, but now this.



> Some women feel this way. Some women do not at all like to have their professional lives cross with their personal lives. Men, too. And some don't. It all depends on the individual. I personally prefer not mix my professional life with my personal one as best as I can.


I get this to an extent, BUT I thought it would be OK to do something nice for her. I have met a few of the people from her office already too. 



> Ask her directly to get your answer: "Am I missing something here?" Tell her to expand. Also, let her know how you feel.


Think I'll wait for this until our next MC just to get a third-party perspective on her answers.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

turnera said:


> Her affair partner works in her office.


FIRST thing I thought too.

If my hubs showed up at work for anything, I'd be excited!


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So what do her phone records show? Is there one phone number that she calls or texts 5, 10, 100 times a day?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

btw, hldn, did you really think she would ADMIT an affair just because you asked? They are built upon lying and hiding. The cheater is not going to admit it. That's why you have to look at the phone records.


----------



## The lost Husband (Feb 16, 2012)

Man you sound a lot like me. I knew my wife of 19yrs was not cheating on me. After checking the phone records and yep seeing the same number over and over. I questioned her. She had no choices but to tell me the truth. 
My best advise to you is this. Work on getting to better know you. Stop talking to your wife about your relationship. In fact ignore her a bit. Stop on all the I love yous. And most over all be happy find a hobby for yourself. Show her your ok and happy. If you don't want to find the affair if there is one. Best not to. Work on you I can't stress it enough work on you.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

hldnhope, so you gave her the speech telling her you would not live like just room-mates, so have you taken any kind of action to support that? Words are worse than meaningless when they are not accompanied with corresponding action.

If she is having a workplace affair then she is PERFECTLY content with the status quo because she's got a good room-mate at home to reaffirm she is a lovable person, with very little maintenance required other than to occasionally say "I'm not sure I need time/space" and to put on a phoney sad face while telling you that, meanwhile a hot sizzling romance going on with someone she owes nothing to except giving sexual pleasure.

Now I hope that she isn't in a workplace affair, and that she comes out of her limbo, but at this point you have both shown each other no interest in really fixing things, just talk. So take charge, set some boundaries and if she is unwilling to meet your marriage need then serve her with a separation agreement and push for her to be the one to leave since she is the one claiming to need space.

Also, if you have had any sexual relations with her since she withdrew last year you may be wise to ask your doctor to test for STD's.


----------



## LadyFrog (Feb 27, 2012)

hldnhope said:


> Bit of the back-story: my W is going through a bit of MLC and gave me the ILYBINILWY speech awhile back and we are currently 'working' on things.
> 
> Anyways, my W is a manager for an investment firm with numerous people under her. In the past, I have sent her flowers to her office just out of the blue and she seemed to appreciate them. Well, the other day I happened to be off and I decided to show up at her office with a large boquet of flowers. She seemed happy about it and introduced me to some of her staff. She then proceeded to walk me back out of the building and she gave me a small kiss on the way out (something she hasn't done since last year).
> 
> ...


To answer your questions~

1.) I don't think you did. I don't see how a husband sending/bringing his own wife flowers is stepping out of bounds.

2.) It's not how I feel/would feel. I haven't worked outside the home for years, but when I did, and dh sent/brought me flowers, I loved it. Loved being the center of attention, the comments/compliments about dh, the flowers...all of it. I worked in a professional setting...not an office.

3.) Her reaction was very strange. I wouldn't automatically assume/say she is having an office romance/affair, but I wouldn't rule it out either. 

It's possible she is concerned that flowers would diminish her image as a power player/career woman, I don't know. I suppose some would see it that way, possibly, but I think most female co-workers, deep down, would be envious or think what you did was way cool.


----------



## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Hmmm.

I usually am suspicious of things. But, there are work environments where personal deals like this are discouraged.

What if you were to show up and take her out during her lunch hour?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

DTO, if she hadn't already given him the ILYBINILWY speech, I would heartily agree with you. But probably 90% of all such speeches are because of affairs. The rest are WAWs, but all he explained are too many big red flags - MLC, ILYBINILWY, no affection for a year, the old tried and true ‘I need space’ speech, MC not working (doesn’t work when you’re focused on another guy). Remember, women usually won't have sex with two guys at the same time - they have to give the guy their heart before they give the body. And she has stopped giving him her body. So she has likely been with someone else for quite a while now.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

hldnhope said:


> Plus this:
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/44080-wife-has-female-ea.html


Have you ever read the texts between her and her friend? The answer may be in there...


----------



## LeslieH (Apr 3, 2012)

hldnhope said:


> Now, I asked several peoples opinions about me doing this for her, and the answer was unanimous: 'she will love it'. So my questions are:
> 
> 1) Did I do something wrong? Over-step my bounds?
> 
> ...


1.) No, but if my H randomly showed up at my office it would be inappropriate. I severely limit what my clients know about my personal life. So I think it depends on her work environment.

2.) I don't think I'd be upset, more awkward. Also, if people in her office know that you guys are going through issues, it is even more awkward for her. I had a coworker that was breaking up with a boyfriend and the guy was sending her flowers and weird things all the time to try and win her back. It was embarrassing for her and awkward for everyone else.

3.) Could be a possibility, I would suggest talking this out with your MC. Also, what did you notice about the work environment? How long has your wife been there? If she's been there for a really long time, most people would know by now she's married, unless she doesn't wear a ring. At least that's what I think


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

My money is on you creating an issues between her AP and her. The AP clearly in connected with her office, and she didn't want you there at all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

Ignoring the other stuff, I work in a professional office and it would be awkward for a spouse to show up with flowers. Everyone has their own office, but I can see how it would be weird to be the center of attention. Doing that to someone at work is like saying "look how much I love my wife", which is not something work people are really interested in. Spare your romantic gestures for things she'd think are romantic.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

IDK. I work in an office where the women would gush around us and be happy for me.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

She doesn't want folks at the office to know she's married? Is she a mole for the CIA? She's either nailing or heavily flirting with someone at the office. Probably lied and said she was single or divorcing. You showing up with flowers could reveal her lie. Otherwise, this makes no sense to me.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

All things considered in the context of the ILYBIANILWY this is a red flag.


----------

