# Is this a conflict of interest?



## KnnNike (Dec 18, 2012)

I wanted to ask about a potential conflict of interest with IC and MC. My wife and I have been separated for 3 months now, and while I am faithfully continuing the 180, I am trying to seek out answers now for the questions that I will have if and when she decides that she is ready to begin talking again.

My question is in regards to our marriage counselor. When we first started seeing this counselor back in November (we had 2 sessions, and then my wife moved out/no contact began), my wife also started seeing her for IC on a weekly basis. When my wife left, I asked about IC for myself, and the counselor told me that she couldn't do this, because it would be a conflict of interest (in hindsight, I understand her reasons). I am now in IC with another therapist, who has never met my wife, and knows nothing of our marriage outside of what I have shared.

My dilemma now, is that, when my wife decides that she is ready to start speaking to me again, we will undoubtedly resume MC. However, am I unreasonable to ask that we resume MC with a new therapist? I have two reasons for this:

- My wife has had months in IC, sharing all of her thoughts, feelings, and emotions with this counselor. More than a little part of me is upset/jealous that I am missing out on that sharing, and the fact that the counselor has unique insight into my wife's psyche because of the brief time we spent together in MC. My therapist, on the other hand, only has me to rely on for insight into my marriage. I'm not saying that I am not completely forthcoming, but if there any "blind spots" in my view of our relationship, my counselor has no way to know that.

- Because of the first remark above, I am concerned that MC is now going to be more of "letting me in" to a previously one-on-one share session than it will be a joint effort at rebuilding our marriage. I'm sure that my wife will continue IC, and I can't help but feel that our marriage counselor will have developed an inherent "bias" towards my wife's emotions. In my opinion, if you can't see both spouses in IC outside of MC, then you shouldn't see any spouses in IC outside of MC.

Am I totally off-base with this? Again, this is all theoretical, as I haven't spoken to my wife or our former marriage counselor about this. But I'm worried about making a big deal out of nothing and pushing my wife away again, as our reconciliation, if and when it occurs, will definitely be fragile.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

It doesn't matter what you do and do not get told.

What matters is how YOU feel about things when you are informed of whatever they decide to tell you.

Thing is.

You'll never know if anyone is lying to you or leaving things out.

Doesn't matter if you feel they are 'ganging up on you' because she sees the therapist as an IC along with MC.

All that matters is how you feel.

What you are and are not okay with.

Do you think it will make a difference to you if she tells you what she does in front of this MC or a new one?

The words speak the same do they not?

Regardless of the 3rd party.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

KnnNike said:


> I wanted to ask about a potential conflict of interest with IC and MC. My wife and I have been separated for 3 months now, and while I am faithfully continuing the 180, I am trying to seek out answers now for the questions that I will have if and when she decides that she is ready to begin talking again.
> 
> My question is in regards to our marriage counselor. When we first started seeing this counselor back in November (we had 2 sessions, and then my wife moved out/no contact began), my wife also started seeing her for IC on a weekly basis. When my wife left, I asked about IC for myself, and the counselor told me that she couldn't do this, because it would be a conflict of interest (in hindsight, I understand her reasons). I am now in IC with another therapist, who has never met my wife, and knows nothing of our marriage outside of what I have shared.
> 
> ...


One thing for sure, you BOTH have to be comfortable with a Counselor to have a chance... The last idiot diot Counselor we went to actually told my wife twice how "cute" she was. Three mc's, all terrible, during two years for me, j 


Hope you have better luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KnnNike (Dec 18, 2012)

UpnOver said:


> It doesn't matter what you do and do not get told.
> 
> What matters is how YOU feel about things when you are informed of whatever they decide to tell you.
> 
> ...


That's the line I'm toeing. I don't want to make it seem like I'm being hesitant to change by saying, "they're ganging up on me". On the other hand, I also understand that the counselor is a human being, and can develop subconscious biases.

I guess it goes back to my original thought: If it's a conflict of interest to see both spouses in IC outside of MC, then you shouldn't see either spouse in IC outside of MC.

Other thoughts? Agree? Disagree? I would like to know if there are any official recommendations (e.g., from the APA) on this sort of thing...


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

KnnNike said:


> That's the line I'm toeing. I don't want to make it seem like I'm being hesitant to change by saying, "they're ganging up on me". On the other hand, I also understand that the counselor is a human being, and can develop subconscious biases.
> 
> I guess it goes back to my original thought: If it's a conflict of interest to see both spouses in IC outside of MC, then you shouldn't see either spouse in IC outside of MC.
> 
> Other thoughts? Agree? Disagree? I would like to know if there are any official recommendations (e.g., from the APA) on this sort of thing...


You won't get any 'official' statements here.

Only experience.

I suggest you consider this element into the equation. 

No one can make anyone do anything (unless under actual duress.. such as a gun to the face) so if your ex decides to seek those who validate her opinions, that's on her.

Many people seek out those who validate there morbid thoughts on life so they don't have to face reality.

Even then, it doesn't matter as the only thing that matters is what you are and are not okay with.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

On a side note.

I had the same situation as you somewhat.

Ex and I saw a MC 3 or so years ago for about 2-3 sessions and then my ex did not want to go back to her.

After she left me last year I called in for a IC appointment (with a MC specialist).

Guess who I got?

I got the MC we had seen.

She has been great and yes, she 'knows' of my ex but at the same time it has NEVER been an excuse used.

ie. "I met your ex, she's a b!tch so it's okay to do this that or the other thing".


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## KnnNike (Dec 18, 2012)

Po12345 said:


> One thing for sure, you BOTH have to be comfortable with a Counselor to have a chance... The last idiot diot Counselor we went to actually told my wife twice how "cute" she was. Three mc's, all terrible, during two years for me, j
> 
> 
> Hope you have better luck.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The counselor is a woman, so hopefully that's not an issue. Really, the only qualm I have about the counselor at this point is that I don't necessarily think she's very effective. However, with only two sessions, this is very difficult for me to judge.

Reading books like, "Fall in Love, Stay in Love", and "The Five Love Languages", I realize that there are a lot of counselors out there who are a lot more proactive with their therapy. Unfortunately, ours is not one of them - she mostly just "listens" and makes occasional interjection.


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