# You're truly in love when you fall out of love!



## Rookie (Jan 4, 2009)

You're truly in love when you fall out of love! 

When the Deacon at our church said this to our marriage group I was so lost. He explained that when you first meet you driven by passion and don't think of much else. Then ... =/ ... after you get married when reality sets in, you make a choice to love the person and are therefore truly in love. 

I experienced this with my husband within the first 3-4 months of our marriage. There were a lot of situations and arguments that affected my perception and our relationship for example: He was upset that we had to make choices about our spending together, he was unwilling to have a conversation about anything to the point where he would lash out by yelling and screaming so that I would back away from the issue. He wanted to stay up all night playing video games and surfing the net and we rarely sleep together ... I had to ask if we could be intimate. When I'd ask him if he was coming to be, he would sigh, look disappointed and say "I guess so ... I'm in the middle of something."

Everything was so distant and felt so wrong between us that I felt I made the wrong choice by getting married. I kept thinking that I'd be happier alone. When he lashed out and said terrible things I began to feel differently about him. The security we had in our relationship was gone and all those terrible moments left and impression on me. 

One night I broke down in tears out of shear frustration and we decided to get help. Things are better now ... we attended a marriage course that helped us out a lot ... however I don't feel that I'm completely over it. Those times left and impression on me that I can't get rid of. Our Deacon said it takes a great many positive things to erase just one wrong ... but how do I get over it in the mean while? 

I'm just not happy. How do I handle this?


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## reidqa (Mar 25, 2009)

Rookie,

Sometimes cutting words takes time to heal, in this case it is truly time. We over the years have lashed out and in a pure rage said things to reget.

You say things have improved, and you not happy.

Perhaps time is needed.


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## Rookie (Jan 4, 2009)

You're right ... time will improve the situation. I have to realize there's no quick solution. =)


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

rookie...

Just keep on the path you're on... it will just take time for you to move past the hurt. You're doing the right thing though, by taking a marriage course. And I would wager that eventually , you and hubby will get to a place where you're both happy again.

keep us updated..


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Forgiveness is not for him...it's for you. Remember that. Sometimes we hold onto that hurt because it is easier than trusting again. I definately can relate to that. It will take time....but it will also happen. You mentioned a marriage course. Through your church? Have you tried the "Love dare" book. I like it.

You can do this....just remember why you need to forgive. Not for his sake...but your own. Once you get to the point where you can forgive him for his "behavior" (which is what it was, right?) then you can get past that and be happy. Remember it was his "behavior" that hurt you....and he is human. You loved him so much before.....but it's the hard things that make that love rock solid...not the good times.

Love is a choice. Keep it up.....it is worth it.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Yes. Love is a choice. While we were in love (first year together) everything was fine. He would make the decision to be loving and forgive problems etc. 

Now that's he's "done" and "quit" and "over" he no longer tries. He says he can't act loving unless he feels it first. Can't understand that love is a verb. We went to counseling, but he wasn't honest with the counselor, didn't do the homework or make the changes the counselor suggested. Even the counselor said he was only giving lip-service to our relationship. 

So In Jan he announces he's leaving. He is still here, ostensibly till I get on my feet financially. But he wants to play couple or "friends" in front of the kids.

Bottom line, if one doesn't want to try, there is NOTHING just one person can do to save the marriage. Make things better, yes, but not save it.


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

So true. Been there myself. It's unfair for the one who tries when the one who refuses to deserts the relationship. Actually..I'm exactly there.

Sorry for your pain and I hope you come out of it much better than you went in. It isn't easy to divorce. I hate to hear that anyone is suffering like I am...but there are so many of us.....I did the "Love dare"....and I fell back in love with my husband. Only did that to find that he wouldn't work out his end of the problems...so I fixed my side and he wouldn't do his....but....I came out of it with a greater understanding of what I did wrong.

Did my wrong out weight his? Not by a landslide. I was super emotional and needy.....wanting to be loved and fighting him every step of the way out. But in the end....I did get hurt....and I knew it wasn't me.....I did all I could.

I hope that I never fall in love again....and I pray that I do fall in love again. 

take care of yourself Snix11......you will be fine.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Rookie said:


> You're truly in love when you fall out of love!
> 
> :



I couldn't disagree more with that statement.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Wow Snix, you succinctly summed up my exact feelings when you wrote:
"I hope that I never fall in love again....and I pray that I do fall in love again." 
The question is, what do you do when the person your praying to fall in love with isn't receptive? Answer: all that you can do, which is nothing. As for the Love Dare book, I too have a copy. My advice to you is read it and try it. Love is the answer. If you can rekindle your love for one another you will be fine. The problem with counselors always try to equip you with the latest communication and problem solving skills, when ultimately love, or its absence is the actual problem. Good luck.


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