# Found the evidence, now it all makes sense



## Lines-n-Circles (May 26, 2010)

Been *separated since late October 2010* when I officially decided to move out, all the while wondering all this time why it didn't work out and thinking it was partly my fault for not keeping the marriage alive. 

The back story: Things started to spiral down hill about a year after our wedding in the *summer of 2010* when she admitted she wasn't happy. For the past few years she has been traveling full time for work and only home every other weekend. And she said she was happier on the road than at home. So obviously this had a lot to do with the demise of our marriage. But it was mostly because I caught her talking to another guy behind my back. She would go upstairs to return his calls and just said it was a colleague she worked with. When I confronting her about it, she swore on her life that he really was just a work friend that she enjoyed talking about sports with (I'm not a big sports fan) and that nothing has ever happened and it wasn't a big deal. Needless to say after this we both came to the conclusion that neither of us was happy so we decided to spend some time apart to figure things out one way or another. But I have been civil and supportive the whole time because I honestly felt that it takes two to make it work and if she wasn't happy than I wasn't providing what she needed.

Fast forward: It didn't work out in the end and the divorce will be in the works soon. I'm actually quite happy now and was ready to take the next step and move on. BUT yesterday when I went to the house to take the rest of my things while she is still on the road, I stumbled upon an envelope containing pictures of her in lingerie that were definitely not taken by herself or with a tri-pod. I immediately felt sick to my stomach, disgusted and can't even explain the pain inside. And the clincher....the date was mid *September 2010 before I moved out*. And that was just the date they were developed. They could have been taken months before then. So if this is what I think it is, it changes EVERYTHING!

So my question for you folks is what should I do? What would you do? Should I confront her and how?

I wish I could just forget about it and move on but it's eating away at me already. And I'd be just as pissed off if she says her friend took them with the intent of sending them to me to try to fix things but decided not to. 

In the end, what's done is done. This doesn't really change anything. Just how I fell about her and the whole situation. At this point it would actually be easier for me to comprehend and tell people that she had an affair vs. "it just didn't work out".

Thanks for reading.


----------



## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Oh ouch! I am sure it hurt to stumble across those photos.
I understand your anger and hurt, but what good is going to come of confronting her? Especially because it is in the past. No excuse she makes is going to make you feel better.

Count your blessings that you are strong enough to move on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If it helps you get closure, you can tell her that you know she was involved with someone and how it makes you feel.

Sorry for the discovery. I have seen it over and over again -- whe one person starts acting weird/disinterested and complaining they want out of the marriage -- there is almost always someone else involved. 

It's textbook.


----------



## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

I feel your pain. Sorry you had to go thru that too. 

What do you want to do? Are you done and want to move on? Or want to expose this affair & try to work on the marriage? 

Personally, I would confront her and tell everybody the marriage ended because of her affair.


----------



## Lines-n-Circles (May 26, 2010)

Thanks everyone. I'm definitely done with her. I have been for awhile. But seeing that just brought all the pain and emotions right back to the surface. ugh.

I think it would definitely help me get closure if I knew she had an affair and it wasn't my fault. It would also make it easier to explain to people instead of saying "it just didn't work out". Especially women when I decide to start dating again. So it does make a difference.

It was an affair right? Even though we were somewhat separated? At that time I was still under the impression that we were going to try to maybe make it work. Even though I was moving out. Wasn't until the last couple months that we officially agreed on getting divorced.

Either way, not knowing is eating away at me. So I think I will confront her about it. Not looking forward to that conversation though. Thanks again.


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

You know what I find interesting about 'closure'? It has no standard. The things that are supposed to bring closure, often only open old wounds, or simply shift our pain around ... they do not end it or make it go away. The truth doesn't equate to closure. Your circumstances are exactly why I feel this way.


I prefer 'acceptance' to closure. 

You now know that your ex deceived and lied to you. You know that she was involved with someone else. Yes, she was having an affair.

But ... this is the bit that dictates where you are on the acceptance curve; the affair isn't the reason that your marriage failed.

You're failing marriage led to the affair. An affair is the result of problems in a marriage, it is seldom the actual cause itself.

Odds are, there were deep issues long before your wife chose to cheat. That was certainly my case.

It doesn't make the kind of discovery you made any easier at all, but it does make the course of events clearer, and may explain what at the time seemed like incredibly irrational, or odd behavior.

I knew my wife was cheating long before I had proof. Odds are, you will not get the kind of response or feedback that you would hope for by confronting her. At this point, presuming that you have been apart for some time, I question what purpose it would actually serve.

My marriage failed. Your marriage failed. I have been intently curious about why if failed. There was a time when I singularly laid the blame at her feet. That wouldn't be true or fair. I had a hand in it's demise. I was there. I was part of it. I learned a great deal from it. What I have learned, I have no intention or desire to repeat in future relationships.

Ultimately closure takes the form of accepting what happened, moving on with your life, and making different choices in the future.


----------

