# Is it "moral" not to see family?



## naminagupta (Jun 20, 2014)

My family by and large are not bad people...but then I am recovering from a stress disorder and want to gain a steady path to wellness. This is why I used to say/post the stuff I used to before...

But then I have family who like to dote on me too much, and I reckon to the exclusion of others, and it gets me down. It's to the point where I don't see them much since it brings down my mood.

Is this wrong? life isn't perfect, but this doesn't mean we can't ease situations or resolve them, does it?


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Do what's best for your mental health and growth. If you don't want to break ties maybe at least take a hiatus from them.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

naminagupta said:


> My family by and large are not bad people...but then I am recovering from a stress disorder and want to gain a steady path to wellness. This is why I used to say/post the stuff I used to before...
> 
> But then I have family who like to dote on me too much, and I reckon to the exclusion of others, and it gets me down. It's to the point where I don't see them much since it brings down my mood.
> 
> Is this wrong? life isn't perfect, but this doesn't mean we can't ease situations or resolve them, does it?


It's not a bad thing to step away from an environment that's harmful for your recovery. They are family so they should love to see you when you're ready.


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## Ms. GP (Jul 8, 2013)

I am an alcoholic/addict in recovery, and one of the best things I have done for my recovery is enforce strong boundaries with my family. I purposely have created a lot of distance and am a lot happier and calmer as a result. One thing I like to remind myself is their dysfunction is not my mess to clean up. Would I allow these people in my life if we weren't blood related? I didn't spend all of the work I've put in my recovery to invite drama into my life. I can create my own drama just by picking up a drink! I don't need any help.  So to answer your question, do what you gotta do. Good luck.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Ms. GP said:


> I am an alcoholic/addict in recovery, and one of the best things I have done for my recovery is enforce strong boundaries with my family. I purposely have created a lot of distance and am a lot happier and calmer as a result. One thing I like to remind myself is their dysfunction is not my mess to clean up. Would I allow these people in my life if we weren't blood related? I didn't spend all of the work I've put in my recovery to invite drama into my life. I can create my own drama just by picking up a drink! I don't need any help.  So to answer your question, do what you gotta do. Good luck.


I agree Ms. GP. I take it a step further and say whether your family was dysfunctional or not may not be as important as the change of environment is. If they were part of the environment when you were drinking then avoiding triggers can be helpful.


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## Ms. GP (Jul 8, 2013)

Thundarr said:


> I agree Ms. GP. I take it a step further and say whether your family was dysfunctional or not may not be as important as the change of environment is. If they were part of the environment when you were drinking then avoiding triggers can be helpful.


I agree completely. Especially in the beginning. I'm about a year and a half in so triggers don't really have the bite they used to. Now it's more of the fact I've created this whole new life with lots of peace and serenity and I have to protect it.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I find that the less that I see my family, the better that I treat them. You shouldn't feel bad. I hear quite often people around me who say that they haven't seen a parent or sibling in years. Maybe they are exaggerating. But they say it anyway.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Family......friends.....<insert ANY label> is completely irrelevent.

What's relevant is identifying and knowing who the person is in front of you, where they stand in your life and how good of a person they are.

If you feel the person is not making you happy and is a negative bonus in your life, stay away (even if they are family).

Surround yourself with people that are good for you.


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## changedbeliefs (Jun 13, 2014)

"Family" is a weird thing. On one hand, you could say, "family is blood, you have to stick it out with them." OTOH, you could say, "family are just people, too; BECAUSE they are family, is why they should respect and love you, whateve you want."

But the ultimate thing is: blood or no blood, people who want to be good to you, should be good to you. And we should be understanding of our place in other people's lives - which is to say, sometimes we're not the priority. I have family members and friends alike, long time loved ones, that I rarely see anymore; geography, schedules, whatever. When I see them, it's like time hasn't clicked a second, and we are as close as ever, and enjoy being around each other to the nth degree. I also have people I see all the time that are great people, quality people, but just, "meh, ok, we're friends." Be good to everyone you meet and know. The ones who will become important to you, long term, just evolves and becomes known, embrace those people, whether they are blood relatives or not.


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## Boottothehead (Sep 3, 2013)

You have to do what is best for you. I haven't seen my dad's side of the family in years because of the pain he inflicted on my siblings and me. I am sad that our daughter has lost that relationship, but in the long run, I am teaching her that she has the ability to sever ties with toxic relationships (i hope).


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## naminagupta (Jun 20, 2014)

I only noticed I posted this thread, but to add I don't really respect any of my family beyond parents/sibling because I hate it when I get critiqued for not being talkative and "reserved"....

I wouldn't care if I didn't see them again to be honest...


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

naminagupta said:


> I only noticed I posted this thread, but to add I don't really respect any of my family beyond parents/sibling because I hate it when I get critiqued for not being talkative and "reserved"....
> 
> I wouldn't care if I didn't see them again to be honest...


I do think family is important. But you need to have a healthy dynamic if you want to be around them much.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

I don't think it's immoral. My immediate extended family, such as my maternal grandmother, aunt and two uncles are nucking futs.

There is a whole lot of dysfunction and abuse hiding behind the veils of Christianity and public appearances going on in that family. I prefer to stay out of it so I do and have for nearly ten years now. My life is much better off without them in it and there is less drama. I tried to let them back in last year via Facebook but was reminded why I cut them off all those years ago. I feel this will be a permanent choice for me.

I wish it didn't have to be that way. I really do value family in theory but the one I was born into is just not that healthy to be around.


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