# Woman's advice sought regarding my difficult times



## pjbap (Feb 19, 2011)

I had posted on the Men's clubhouse regarding a bunch of things. Time for me to go directly for woman's points of view.

My wife and I have hit a major bump in our marriage. Much started with my wife's increased social interactions last year which made me uncomfortable when I had discovered weird (weird to me) flirtations. After approaching and explaining my concerns, my wife's communications then seemed to get sketchy to me. She claims that was because she thought I was starting to probe too much, and felt like I was trying to control her. This in turn got me even more uncomfortable where I started to probe and ask even more questions. This led to a viscous circle. Me getting "suspicious" which in turn made my wife feel "parented or controlled". 

I then discovered a major lie. My wife had scheduled to have drinks with a single man of which she told me she was getting together with a girlfriend. The appointment was also scheduled using very flirtatious language. My wife said she was just trying to be friendly, and that the get-together was for her to introduce this guy to a single girlfriend of hers. She told me she lied because she was afraid I'd make too much of it and start probing at her again. 

I discovered this lie because I snooped on my wife's laptop. I did this because I had a gut feel that something was strange with her communications. It was the first time in 14 years of marriage. My wife now has since password protected her Blackberry and laptop. She said she did this out of principle...after 14 years of marriage and no previous snooping.

As you might imagine, this has stirred suspicions in me even further, which in turn is causing me to "push" more, "ask more questions", and even feel very suspicious with any of my wife's social planning. This again has led to arguments. 

Now my wife says "She needs her space" and says the more "I push, the more I push her away" My wife and I have never argued productively. It can get heated. Due to the this happening alot lately my wife now says "she does not feel safe being intimate with me". There is therefore no more sex, and not even the cuddling type intimacy that was such a hallmark of our marriage.

I don't want us to split for a variety of reasons, one being our two beautiful children. I love my wife. She says she loves me too, but right not "she needs her space as she figures thing out". We are in couples counselling.

Any words of wisdom. Thanks you.

PJB


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

well, stick to counseling and allow the counselor (who is likely to have more insight on HER and her needs, having been able to analyze her) to give you some advice. This is a tough one to give perspective on with her side... It LOOKS like she is conflicted, maybe somehow wondering aimlessly, but I don't know. Not cut and dry. Never been that woman, never had a man do that either, so... need more input (sorry, was watching Short Circuit Yesterday a bit LMAO)


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Give her the space she requests and retain the services of a good PI. She's gone, I'm afraid. You, justifiably, just don't want to be dragged aong while she seeks something better.


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## pjbap (Feb 19, 2011)

MrK. Your response put a stab in my heart. But I have to be realisitc that this could be a possibility. It is that possiblity that keeps me up at night and has me a space shot during the day.

We have a date night scheduled for tonight. We have a counsellors session scheduled for tomorrow. Would my wife still do these things if "she was gone". Anything I can do to get that answer. Is she or is she not gone from our marriage?

I keep asking this question to her. She keeps saying her heart is still there. How can I be sure?


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## prettylady01 (Feb 25, 2011)

I am going to play the other side for a second. The way you explained it, it does sound like you were a bit overwhelming. I have had that feeling before where it is like an internal guilt even though you know nothing is going to happen. If I was going to meet up with a guy friend even in the past I felt weird telling my hubby about it because I was afraid of his reaction. It sounds like you pushed so hard it has created a separation. 

The moment a woman feels like her man is not a man anymore she has to take over the masculine roll. The wording you used sounded like a scared little girl. Not being mean honestly just observing. It is time you step up and be the man she desires. You can sweep her off her feet!!! She will be melting in your arms. I know this feeling because that is what my hubby did with me. It seriously took away any concerns or snooping or ANYTHING from the past because I have this ultimate love and trust and respect for him. He read a book called "The way of the superior man" by David Deida. I saw such a huge change I read it as well just to understand men better. Blew my mind!!!!!!!! 

To be honest again, counseling most often doesn't work. My parents have been in counseling for 5 months now and it is worse now then it was before. I would search for an NLP practitioner in your area and work with them. You will be a totally different person in just a few sessions rather then months and years. Please please please get the book and read it, take notes and practice what it says. Trust me she will melt just like I did! hehe You can do it, you sound like you love her a whole lot and that is your motivation. Go for it!


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## JJG (Mar 9, 2011)

PJ I have only just started posting on this board but have been reading it for a long time.

I hate to say it but, this reads like text book EA/PA behavior.

Please go over to the 'coping with infidelity' section, read the stories to see the similarities to what you have posted and pay very close attention to the advice given. It could very well save your marriage.

Also, you can get some great advice in the 'Mens Clubhouse'

Best of luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

She went out with some guy for drinks and wants you to believe she was merely testing the guy out for a girlfriend of hers?

You do know she is cheating, right?

Until she cops to what she is doing you will make no progress.

Counseling can help, but you have to be clear and the MC has to be clear that cheating while attempting counseling is useless.


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