# Stuck betwen a rock and a hard place..



## Schill (Dec 7, 2011)

Been with my wife about 9 years now, married for 2.5. We don't have any of our own kids, but for the last couple years has been the biggest challenge of my whole life. I'm normally always up for a challenge, but this one has really taken it's toll. I'm not even sure what to do anymore. 

My wife and I took care of her 7 year old niece. (my wife is adopted, so they aren't blood either) Anyways, I find my wife and I constantly at different ends of the spectrum regarding the care for this child. W is always very defensive of everything N does, even if it's more than likely her fault, she tries to deflect it anywhere else. (i.e. W cellphone goes missing up north, W says someone broke into our trailer and stole her phone. I say, I bet N has it. Hell would freeze over before she blames N for this -- Turns out, was under N pillow) I could go on with these examples. N has most likely a learning disability and almost definitely reactive attachment disorder. W parents (are blood) have always wanted to be a part of N life, and have taken N for about 15 months before "pawning" N onto us. (grandmother calls us up the night before we are set to fly and starts crying asking if we're going to let N live with us shortly after we get married)

My dilemma, on the positive side.. i think I've learned a lot about responsibility and it's made me a much more confident fellow. I have lost 50 pounds in the past year, which probably has played some small part) 

On the negative side, (i am pretty sure I could go on for days, but will stick to the more pertinent things)
I have no desire to talk to W about anything anymore. She has lied to me point blank about things, mostly futile things.. which really boggles my mind.. has not told me things about bad behavior in class school issues (N is on her 3rd school in 1 year) she has tantrums 5-6 times weekly (that i know about!), hits teachers, has cornered one with scissors, wrecks childrens paintings, caught our dog's tail under the bathroom door, provoked the dog to bite her, chased my 10yo nephew with a knife, punched my 19yo nephew... and W and N argue loudly probably 10 times during the week. It usually wakes me up an hour before I need to get out of bed for work.

I also find N annoying most of the time. If someone tells you something and she is nearby, she'll have to tell you the same thing, as if you didn't hear what she heard... She'll call for you, and then spend a minute or so thinking of something to tell you. She can be very manipulative to try and get her own way, and her behavior has gotten worse. She's been better lately though, but only because she broke her leg and has limited her mobility.

She's been through a lot with her Mom that did not feed her properly, or left her crying and screaming locked in her room for hours.. and I have no idea what a foster home would be like for her.. or if W would even try to keep her somehow. 

I've tried to end it twice already, and somehow got rejected.. as funny as that may sound.. especially looking back.. social worker didn't take me serious 2nd time, 1st time W said the right things.. 3rd time, it was all swept under the rug -- chalked it as a misunderstanding sort of.. (W wakes up xmas morning with N, opens all presents, leaves me sleeping.. same day.. invites her folks over, yet didn't wake me to tell me they were coming, or even when they showed up)

I think I see the writing on the wall, and 9 years is a lot of time.. but we let things go and ignore things way too often. We can't talk about things because W is always defensive (probably partially my passive aggressive -- that I am aware of and have been much better with lately) I've even apologized for my passive aggression.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Well, you bring up what you call your passive agressive behavior as a side bar at the very end. So what passive agressive things are you doing? How much are they adding to the problem.

Your neice is a handful w/obvious issues that will most likely not go away. It seems that your wife now feels responsbile for her. Or do I get this wrong? Does your wife even consider giving this child up?

If you and your wife split, can she take care of her neice on her own? If she cannot, then that give more ammo to any argument you would have for not keeping her neice.

By the way, how old was your wife when she was adopted? The fact that there is no blood relation probably makes no difference. Family is family.. and children who are adopted generally become 100% part of the family that adopts them. That's the way it's supposed to work. So your bringing up the lack of blood ties can be taken as red flag here.

You are not obligated to raise N. So if you do not want to and your wife is not working with you, divorce is really your only option. I certainly would not blame you for not wanting to deal with a child with her difficulties. It takes a very particular type of person to be able to help a child like her. And she may never have that type of person in her life.


----------



## Schill (Dec 7, 2011)

We got N about 18 months ago now.

Yes, it is definitely my wife's obligation to raise this child until the end of time. She does not have or see a quit.. 

My passive aggressiveness is along the lines of.. the other day, N comes home soaked.. she peed herself. (goes to school in a wheelchair because she cant walk with her broken legs, so she needs help from a teacher to goto the RR) W says she will scream and yell at the school for allowing this to happen. And I said, well its too bad you don't put as much passion into the rest of your life. All she got out of that was.. me taking a jab out of her. 

W says she cannot care for N without me.. I already know N and W will move in with granny to take care of them. Her folks already go out of their way to not pay for my dinner. I was at my sister's house, I offered to come home early and bring dinner. W says folks will pay.. they pay $40 when the bill was $48 .. I say whatever, but know this wasn't the first time they did not pay for me.

Thanks EleGirl, I appreciate it. Most tell me that things will get better, and what not. But I've gotten more depressed over this, because I feel like I'm the weird one.. not being able to care for this kid like the way she deserves.. and not being able to come up with a solution as to making this whole thing work.

Being in two different sides of the fence with my wife has been a steep uphill battle. W will look to me for advise but will also ask her friends on facebook afterwards.. kinda makes me feel like she's making me feel good by asking me.. figuring I wouldn't see the remark on facebook.. I had been in a sort of fog for a while.. but the last couple years, I've been more aware of things going on. 

I used to live in my own world, for the most part.


----------



## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

I know I shouldn't be angry at you but I find myself feeling a wee bit of contempt. You don't seem to have any compassion for the child involved which is really troublesome for me as she obviously needs specialized care and heaping loads of compassion to overcome the obstacles she's had to face in her short life.

I can see how your wife feels although her making excuses for N is not going to help N and are most likely going to harm.

If you both want a chance with one another and you want the best for your relationship for N then you need to get on the same page now. You both have to get over your differences and do what's in the best interest of N. I'd really suggest getting help from outside sources with counseling and therapy. If I were the two of you I'd be reading books together and investigating the entirety of N's situation to learn how best to handle parenting a special needs child.

BTW I'd be super, duper pissed if N was in my care and came home from school with pee on her pants. She's already faced so much, what she needs now is consistency, stellar care and consideration.

So your post isn't really about N anyway. EleGirl is correct, if you can't handle the idea of dealing, coping and growing beyond with both your wife and N then you do need to divorce.

It's not that I don't feel you deserve respect or to be included. I think you absolutely do need and deserve these things and for N to have a chance it's paramount that everyone begins respecting you. Not paying for your share while paying for your wife's share is ridiculous and insulting. It would make anyone feel as if they didn't count and you don't deserve that.


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

What counseling is the girl getting? What counseling are you and your wife getting? Does your wife admit that counseling is necessary?

You are in a tough position. You are understandably resentful, yet probably feeling guilty for it. In your mind, your wife is siding with her niece over you, and lying repeatedly about it. The sympathy you had for your niece is probably rapidly disipating in view of both her and your wife's behavior.

You need help to work through this. Remember that your niece is seven, and while awful, has gone through some awful things. She will need a lot of help and support and forgiveness. 

So will your wife. I do think you need to put your foot down and get her to get real. Get counseling and training for both of you to figure out if you can work this together.


----------



## Schill (Dec 7, 2011)

I don't blame you in the least for feeling a wee bit contempt towards me. I'm the one that agreed with my wife to take her niece in and care for her 18 months ago. What I did not know, was the issues N is dealing with (trauma, RAD, LD) what's making this so difficult. It's been 18 months, and I'm trying to sort myself through all of this. 

W lost her job within 3 months of us getting N. She has a part time job, but it's not enough to keep her head above water with her own bills.

Regarding therapy, W takes N to therapy once a week usually through the local school board supplied service. Recently, she's been getting trauma assessment training. They're on a break now waiting for the report from the trauma assessment. (W was told she is obsessed with N at a therapy session I attended) My wife just won't goto any therapy of her own because she is worried they will bring up memories of her past, with her abusive adopted mother. (N's granny) W has a good relationship with her adopted mother, they talk about an hour everyday. When we didn't have N, they hadn't spoke in years. I was there for W when she left home, I had my own place and she needed a place to live. (8ish years ago) 

It just feels really wrong and awkward, the way my wife will at times, laugh at N for not knowing if she just ate lunch, breakfast or dinner, or when they're yelling and arguing like sisters at each other daily. (N and her real mom are identical in every facet (W grew up with N's real mom) which could be a reason. When W asks N to do something, and she sits there with no response, ignoring her. We definitely drink more as well. I've curbed it by not buying any alcohol unless it's the weekend. 24 beer will last us 3-4 days and then I will usually wait until Saturday to buy another one. So, we're not getting plastered, just enough to relax a little. 

I heard N this morning, tell our dog " come here.. if you don't come here, I won't take you for a walk after school " This is the kind of things my wife, to a tee, would do to get N to comply. 

The lack of respect bothers me. I don't know that this will ever change since she has her folks in her life, she constantly looks to for guidance. I'll probably just end up packing my stuff and leaving one day soon. I know I should be talking to W about this, and I have tried, many times. It's becoming more obvious that what I feel and think doesn't matter as long as I am not pissed off. When we talk about it, W gets very defensive to N that I may as well be talking to a wall. I don't think it's very fair to any of the people involved and while a foster home probably won't do N any justice, W and granny won't let it get to that. I guess this has been my biggest obstacle, if I decide to move on, does this mean there's a good chance, N is going to have a trouble-filled life and be my fault? On the one hand, it's not my fault N is the way she is. There's not much I can do at this point either. I can provide a roof over her head, but if I'm depressed and angry everyday, living on the edge, about to blow up.. can't be healthy. She pushes the right buttons.. a few months ago, I was trying to watch tv, and N was being loud and annoying.. I asked her nicely to stop because I am watching TV. She kept on, so I turned to her and said.. if you carry on, I'm going to punch you in the ****ing face. She was quiet afterwards, I told my wife, N told grandma.. N told the social worker, and N also noted that she knows I would never do something like that, but she was scared. I still feel bad to this day about it.


----------



## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Listen, you're human. We all have breaking points. Kids are annoying and hard work. Kids that have been abused, neglected or any variation of this are even harder work. I don't blame you for how you feel and it seems as if your wife is pushing you away and leaning on her family instead of you. You're the odd man out. You do need to have your wants met too.

The only chance you have is getting your wife to understand this. It's very possible she won't. I would urge you to stay in N's life even if you do leave. Visit her and keep in touch and let her know there's an adult out there who cares. Your wife and her mother may continue to raise her but you know that they're not doing the best job either.

I would also urge you to try to approach your wife with your thoughts and make it clear to her that you will leave, that you will not have a choice, because you disagree with the way things are to the point of unhappiness. Try to do this without placing the blame and judgement all on her, allow her to have her say as well and take it in fairly. If at the end of this, nothing changes or things only change temporarily, re-visit your idea to get out. 

I really don't blame you for how you feel. I think it's totally reasonable and can even say I think I would feel similarly if in your position.


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

although this child had a difficult start in life. you guys need to be parent like instead of friends with her. you need to set reasonable boundries and enforce them porperly.

get a book on parenting and look into counsling for her the best thing you can do is love her and set and enforce boundries.enabeling her to be a spoiled brat because she had a crappy star will only make her worse.


----------



## Schill (Dec 7, 2011)

We have the books and the support (maybe not the proper support, but that's all thats available at this point) We went to a "dealing with meltdowns" class, I'm pretty sure my wife was only there to socialize.

I've spend countless hours reading about her symptoms, and suggested RAD to the therapist, to which she agreed. Wife is against any medication or the child getting labeled with any sort of "deficiency" when I wish we had a proper diagnosis to know what exactly we are dealing with.

The thing that really messes with my head though, is my wife is happy with her life and everything. I've been to see 3 therapists plus my family doctor. Family Doctor says i'm p****d off and we need to talk about things. 

I am always wondering if there is something wrong with me. I wondered if I had ADHD, Depression, Bi-Polar or something and it was only starting to come out because of the high level of stress.


----------

