# I can't believe this ... what do I do next?



## helpandadvice

I am 37, live in Texas and have been married for almost 8 years with 3 girls (7,4,1). My wife had an emotional affair for 3-4 weeks with a friend from highschool that lives in New York. The best I can dig up this is true that he lives in New York. I found out about the affair by complete accident by doing something in her e-mail account. I found 1 e-mail of a texting dialogue talking about amazing and sexy pictures my wife was sending him. Her sent, trash, inbox, etc. have all been cleared out and no record of anything. I checked our cell phone logs and she sent him about 2,000 text messages and over 200 picture messages over the 3-4 week period. Over the same time period she was also sending me pictures. They started off just her in sexy clothes and progressed to completed naked pictures. She has admitted to this and that they were the same pictures sent to me and more. She also admits they were inappropriate. I know that she sent the same ones to OM because they were sent at almost the same time. She sent him over 200 picture text messages and sent me about 25 over the same time. Who knows what other pictures where sent or what e-mails were sent.

After I found out, I demanded she stop talking to him immediately and we get in couseling. She did stop talking to him because they have not talked at all per the phone logs. She has told me she had an EA and that she agrees to stop talking with him, but it is not over. We have been in counseling and it goes good and bad sometimes. As anyone knows this is a emotional roller coaster. You get sad, then mad, then confused, then angry, then sad, etc.

I have told the counselor and my wife that I need everything to be open and honest. She has agreed, but little things keep happening. I found out that she blocked me from facebook, changed her e-mail password, has a lock on her cell phone and just wants her privacy. The major thing now is she bought a prepaid cell phone. I asked why she bought it and she said because I was tracking her (true). I asked why she needed a prepaid cell phone if she wasn't doing anything and had nothing to hide ... no response. My gut (which has been right almost everytime lately) tells me she is using this prepaid cell phone to talk with him. I have read that EA are usually worse than PA because it is in your mind and your feelings. I do not think you can just stop EA and feel like it is still going on. I am doing my snooping and have no evidence anything is going on, but my gut tells me something is.

Counselor said something has happened and she has gone off the deep end and said she will eventually come back. This is not the woman I married and is completely tearing my entire family apart. My parents and even her parents are completely pissed at her and have chewed her out left and right. Nothing and no one has changed what she wants.

I know that a divorce will be very hard for my little girls and will be bad for them in the long run. My wife has no education and could barely take care of her self much less having 3 kids. She is not making good decisions like smoking pot once. If she gets the kids who knows what she will expose them to and I will live the rest of my life helping fix my kids what she has messed up.

She has issues from growing up about her parents being way over the top protective and have crippled her. She can barely make decisions for her self. She has told me that she does not feel the same way about me anymore and does not want to be married. I still love her and want this to work for me and my kids.

Sorry if this is tough to follow, but so much has happened in a short amount of time and feel like I am just rambling. I have just in the last couple of days said I am done, but we live 4 hours from home and have no one to help or go to. We are still living in the same house and she has moved into 1 of our daughters rooms.

Just found out today she still has the prepaid cell phone. I asked my oldest daugher where mom keeps her other phone and she said she did not know. She said mom talks and texts on it all the time. She has described it to me and it is different from the phone I know about. She asks mom what phone that is and she says non of my daughters business. She said that mommy is keeping secrets and that is not nice.

Do not know what to do? At this point I have financially protected myself the best I can and seems like things have settled down a little. Counselor told me if I do not know what to do, then the best thing to do is nothing. Guess I am just hoping for a miracle or maybe I am just an idot. HELP!


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## Simon Phoenix

I wouldn't call you an idiot because I didn't see the same signs when my ex did the same. But let's look at the facts...

She has been sending someone else naked pictures; more than twice as many as she's sent you. You end up finding out about it, the both of you go to counseling, and her response is to put password protectors on her phone. Now she has a prepaid phone that she texts and calls from that you have no access to because she knows that you are tracking her and she wants her 'privacy'. It has gotten to the point where even your kids knows to an extent what is going on. Oh yeah, almost forgot; she told you that she doesn't want to be married to you anymore. 

The only way I know to rectify this is to give her what she wants. Why stay with someone who doesn't want anything to do with you? And what example would you be setting for your kids? That it's a-ok for someone to run over them and ask for more? 

In order for you to begin reconciling, the first thing that needs to happen is full disclosure. The next thing is having complete access to her phone records, texts, etc. Instead, she is putting up more lines of defense. 

A rendezvous is bound to happen one day, if it hasn't already. My suggestion would be to your finances together and call a lawyer. Believe me, she already has...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## awake1

Sounds like she's wrapped pretty tight with this guy. 

Don't doubt a lot of the talk now has been that she needs to leave you so she can be with this OM. I'm sure they plan a future as they ride off into the sunset. 

I would also be shocked if he hasn't made a road trip down your way. 4 hours isn't that far for someone in heat. They could have even met half way. That's a lot of texts and naked pictures for someone who hasn't yet had sex. After all, they're in "lurrrvvveee"

Do not worry about what kind of money she can make. That's her problem. Don't worry if she sinks or swims. When she chose to cheat, they ceased to be your concerns. 

If she can't take care of your kids then you must. 

She continues to disrespect you, make plans for a future without you, and here you are wondering what to do. I think it's pretty obvious. 

Have no doubt they aren't talking about anything except a possible future without you. 

It's going to be:
"hey, send me a pic"
And she says "Cant. my husband knows, what now?" 
"Leave him, i'll take care of you, baby." 

Have you read no more mr nice guy and married man sex life primer? Do you lift weights and workout? 

All this hand wringing you're doing is wasted. Put all that effort into yourself. Be okay with losing this marriage, and do your best to make the transition to a single life as easy as possible on yourself. 

If she shows remorse, opens up, maybe you decide to give her a chance. But all you're doing now is spinning your wheels, and it's making things worse for you.

Your "gut" is like that little line of text in the matrix saying "Neo, wake up".


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## azteca1986

helpandadvice said:


> Do not know what to do? At this point I have financially protected myself the best I can and seems like things have settled down a little. *Counselor told me if I do not know what to do, then the best thing to do is nothing. *Guess I am just hoping for a miracle or maybe I am just an idot. HELP!


No, you're not an idiot. You Counselor is. The only way you would be an idiot is if you continue to pay your hard earned money for their 'advice'.

Doing nothing is not a strategy. It's not a plan. Things have settled down because your wife is back in her affair. She is back in her 'affair fog' believing that the false relationship with her old HS friend can compare to the everyday reality of a real relationship with her husband and father of her three young children.

Your first step is to put as much pressure as you can on the affair. Expose your wife's behaviour to all those people who have influence on her. Tell them the facts and that you need their help to save your marriage. Her parents may be allies in this. If your wife is religious, tell your pastor. Seek the help of people who will influence her positively.

What do you know about OM? Is he married? If so, find the Other Man's Wife (OMW) and tell her too. Turn up the heat on him at his end. Tell is parents.

Lastly, your wife needs to face reality - that she's breaking up her family for a fantasy. See a lawyer and begin the divorce process. She has not faced any consequences as yet. Sometimes being served with divorce papers helps to wake up a WW from her fog. 

Read this:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

What you're going through will pretty much follow a fairly predictable pattern. It's called the cheater script here. You see the same story repeated again and again.

Fire your counselor. Find a lawyer. Good luck!


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## Will_Kane

helpandadvice said:


> *she sent him about 2,000 text messages and over 200 picture messages over the 3-4 week period*. Over the same time period she was also sending me pictures. They started off just her in sexy clothes and progressed to completed naked pictures. She has admitted to this and that they were the same pictures sent to me and more.
> 
> I found out that *she blocked me from facebook, changed her e-mail password, has a lock on her cell phone and just wants her privacy. The major thing now is she bought a prepaid cell phone.* I asked why she bought it and she said because I was tracking her (true). I am doing my snooping and have no evidence anything is going on.
> 
> Counselor said something has happened and she has gone off the deep end and said she will eventually come back. This is not the woman I married and is completely tearing my entire family apart. *My parents and even her parents are completely pissed at her and have chewed her out left and right. Nothing and no one has changed what she wants.*
> 
> *She has told me that she does not feel the same way about me anymore and does not want to be married.* I have just in the last couple of days said I am done. We are still living in the same house and she has moved into 1 of our daughters rooms.
> 
> Just found out today she still has the prepaid cell phone. I asked my oldest daugher where mom keeps her other phone and she said she did not know. She said mom talks and texts on it all the time.
> 
> At this point I have financially protected myself the best I can and seems like things have settled down a little.


She told you she doesn't want to be married.

It seems to me that she wants to be married, but she also wants to continue her sexting relationship, which is exactly what she is doing. She seems happy enough to let the current situation go on at least a while longer. This only is a problem because you found out about it and tried to put a stop to it. She is trying to go back to the way it was before you found out, with her doing it secretly on the prepaid phone and you not knowing.

Can you imagine your marriage going on this way indefinitely?


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## ironman

Hi helpnadvice,

You need to be firm with her. You need to draw the line in the sand so to speak and make it clear you will not tolerate this disrespect. Tell her so.

Then start ignoring her (lookup instructions for the 180) and get a lawyer and file for divorce without telling her. Have her served the papers by surprise. You don't have to go through with divorce, you can always stop the process months later .. but do not tell her that. She needs to believe that you mean business! She needs to believe that you are willing to lose her. Only then will you find out if she is remorseful and willing to change her ways.


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## Chaparral

You need to find out about the other man. Who is he? Is he married? Contact his wife girlfriend and stop it from the other end. Find the burner phone and drown it, she will run out of phones before you run out of water. Turn off her texting and internet.

Have they ever met?


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## TDSC60

No honesty.
No transparency.
No empathy for you or the family.
No marriage.
Time to take drastic action.


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## hookares

Since your loving wife is so accomplished at lying in order to conceal whatever this is she's been having with the guy, and you have pictures available to you that she sent to both of you, why don't you find a way to make a few of them public and when she confronts you about it, just lie like she would and insist that her secret "other" did it?


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## Thor

Don't be Nice. Be strong and have iron clad boundaries. Play hardball. Tell your attorney you want full custody of the girls. This way you don't have to worry about your stbxw's parenting skills.


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## barbados

helpandadvice said:


> _I found out that she blocked me from facebook, changed her e-mail password, has a lock on her cell phone and just wants her privacy. The major thing now is she bought a prepaid cell phone. I asked why she bought it and she said because I was tracking her (true). I asked why she needed a prepaid cell phone if she wasn't doing anything and had nothing to hide ... no response._


As long as she continues with the above behavior, she is obviously actively having the affair. This makes R impossible. You may have to file for D to shock her out of it. Does not mean you have to go through with it, but served with D papers will wake her a$$ up into reality.


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## Refuse to be played

Wow she is just so blatant with it. You need to come down hard to end this. File for divorce to show here you aren't screwing around. Also find out if this d-bag OM is married or not. If he is expose to his BW.


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## alte Dame

Definitely find out if the OM is married or has a SO. Expose him to the wife/SO immediately. Do this first thing.


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## helpandadvice

This guy is single, no girlfriend and no kids. No one wants him except my fing wife. Pretty sure he lives in NY, but his parents live within a couple hours. Did some PI work myself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ovid

Start doing the 180 immediately, and file for divorce.

You don't have to divorce her, but you do have to show her where this is headed. Do not stop the D until you get remorse, AND complete transparency. If you are giving her any money stop. Any bills you are paying that are for her, such as her cell phone, stop. Move into another bedroom. Place VARs around the house and her car.Carry a VAR in your pocket at all times. Do not discuss anything personal with her. You need to as much as possible show her life without you. You must stay in the home so you don't lose access to your kids, but you must put as much distance as you can between you while staying in your home.


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## Remains

Throw her out to him and soon she won't want him either. Kick her out and buy her plane ticket or fill her car up so she can drive to him. I guarantee this would bring results fast. She will be begging to return within a month. 

And if not, this was an exit affair and she didn't want to be with you regardless. If that is the case it is better to know know. 

Pleaded don't think this is flippant advice. It is deadly serious. And it will work. And it will ensure that if and when she comes back to reality, she won't fu*k you about again. If you are soft on her at this stage she will know she can do what she likes and you will always be there. It will only be a matter of time before she messes around again.


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## helpandadvice

I asked her today and yesterday if she wanted to have sex and she said yes. It was really good both times and I have told her it is just sex. Is that goodand should I continue doing this? It seems like her sex drive is through the roof in the last couple months. I found all her masterbating toys and we have talked about that. What do you guys think?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ovid

Fantasy is what feeds affairs. You have to introduce reality into the situation to starve the affair before it's too late. If you don't the fantasy will be able to live off it's own fat and will continue no matter what you do.

When someone starts cheating they do two things. 
1. They begin building new connections with their AP.
2. They begin destroying their connections with their spouse. 

If you do not introduce reality into the situation in time they will fully disconnect from you and fully connect with their AP. If you want her to go then do nothing. If you want to save the M, then you must bring reality to the situation by showing her life without you.


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## Ovid

She is all hot and bothered for the OM. You are being used as a surrogate. Stop all contact with her other than what is required by law.


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## carmen ohio

helpandadvice said:


> I am 37, live in Texas and have been married for almost 8 years with 3 girls (7,4,1). My wife had an emotional affair for 3-4 weeks with a friend from highschool that lives in New York. The best I can dig up this is true that he lives in New York. I found out about the affair by complete accident by doing something in her e-mail account. I found 1 e-mail of a texting dialogue talking about amazing and sexy pictures my wife was sending him. Her sent, trash, inbox, etc. have all been cleared out and no record of anything. I checked our cell phone logs and she sent him about 2,000 text messages and over 200 picture messages over the 3-4 week period. Over the same time period she was also sending me pictures. They started off just her in sexy clothes and progressed to completed naked pictures. She has admitted to this and that they were the same pictures sent to me and more. She also admits they were inappropriate. I know that she sent the same ones to OM because they were sent at almost the same time. She sent him over 200 picture text messages and sent me about 25 over the same time. Who knows what other pictures where sent or what e-mails were sent.
> 
> After I found out, I demanded she stop talking to him immediately and we get in couseling. She did stop talking to him because they have not talked at all per the phone logs. She has told me she had an EA and that she agrees to stop talking with him, but it is not over. We have been in counseling and it goes good and bad sometimes. As anyone knows this is a emotional roller coaster. You get sad, then mad, then confused, then angry, then sad, etc.
> 
> I have told the counselor and my wife that I need everything to be open and honest. She has agreed, but little things keep happening. I found out that she blocked me from facebook, changed her e-mail password, has a lock on her cell phone and just wants her privacy. The major thing now is she bought a prepaid cell phone. I asked why she bought it and she said because I was tracking her (true). I asked why she needed a prepaid cell phone if she wasn't doing anything and had nothing to hide ... no response. My gut (which has been right almost everytime lately) tells me she is using this prepaid cell phone to talk with him. I have read that EA are usually worse than PA because it is in your mind and your feelings. I do not think you can just stop EA and feel like it is still going on. I am doing my snooping and have no evidence anything is going on, but my gut tells me something is.
> 
> Counselor said something has happened and she has gone off the deep end and said she will eventually come back. This is not the woman I married and is completely tearing my entire family apart. My parents and even her parents are completely pissed at her and have chewed her out left and right. Nothing and no one has changed what she wants.
> 
> I know that a divorce will be very hard for my little girls and will be bad for them in the long run. My wife has no education and could barely take care of her self much less having 3 kids. She is not making good decisions like smoking pot once. If she gets the kids who knows what she will expose them to and I will live the rest of my life helping fix my kids what she has messed up.
> 
> She has issues from growing up about her parents being way over the top protective and have crippled her. She can barely make decisions for her self. She has told me that she does not feel the same way about me anymore and does not want to be married. I still love her and want this to work for me and my kids.
> 
> Sorry if this is tough to follow, but so much has happened in a short amount of time and feel like I am just rambling. I have just in the last couple of days said I am done, but we live 4 hours from home and have no one to help or go to. We are still living in the same house and she has moved into 1 of our daughters rooms.
> 
> Just found out today she still has the prepaid cell phone. I asked my oldest daugher where mom keeps her other phone and she said she did not know. She said mom talks and texts on it all the time. She has described it to me and it is different from the phone I know about. She asks mom what phone that is and she says non of my daughters business. She said that mommy is keeping secrets and that is not nice.
> 
> Do not know what to do? At this point I have financially protected myself the best I can and seems like things have settled down a little. Counselor told me if I do not know what to do, then the best thing to do is nothing. Guess I am just hoping for a miracle or maybe I am just an idot. HELP!


Dear helpandadvice,

Sorry you find yourself here.

Your WW is in a full-blown affair with the OM. If it hasn't gone physical yet, you can bet that it eventually will.

The advice you have gotten is 100% correct. Do not ignore it. What is happening to you has happened to countless other guys (and gals) on TAM/CWI and the outcome is almost always the same. The BHs who take strong action immediately (which usually rmeans filing for divorce) have the best chance of saving their marriages or moving on with the least amount of pain if, as is often the case, it proves to be a lost cause. The ones who wait around hoping she will end it, or try to "nice" her back, suffer the most and, eventually, end up divorcing anyway (unless, like a few, they can't summon up the courage and instead resign themselves to living the life of a cuckold).

Do yourself and your family a favor. File for divorce. Nothing less is going to snap her out of this. If she becomes remorseful and begs for a second chance, maybe you can work things out. If she doesn't, you will have learned that it was already over and you will be that much closer to your new and better life without her.

Good luck.


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## walkonmars

First: forget the marriage counseling. It's a 'no-go' until she recommits to be your wife.

second: Find a good counselor for yourself. You need to take a good look at yourself - raise your self esteem and confidence. 

Third: Do the 180 - talk only about the kids' welfare with her.

Fourth: take control of the family finances - give her a pre-paid grocery store card. No extra spending money, etc. (does she work?) Drop the internet service and her phone service. 

Fifth: Start looking out for yourself; get a gym membership - get new male friends; a new hobby etc - 

Sixth: See a lawyer immediately; let him know what's going on and get as much information as you can about what a divorce would entail. Don't worry about her ability to survive on her own. You need to think (1st) of your kids welfare and well-being (2nd) of your health and well being. 

Lastly tell her all of the above: she doesn't want you? fine. Believe me, you'll survive. Get your ducks in a row. You only have one life and you don't have to be a martyr.


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## Ovid

I know it's counter intuitive, but the only way to save your marriage is to tell her it's over, and she ended it.

I dumped my wife on D-day. I did not offer her reconciliation. I told her she chose another man so our M was over. I told her I was done and had no reason to ever want to be with a woman that had chosen another man when I should have been her only choice. At first she tried to blame me, but I simply said that for problems in the marriage I could split the blame with her, but the A was her choice alone, so she ended the M on her own.

That action on my part is what saved my marriage. When she saw that it was over, and that I was not offering to take her back she dropped the OM and did everything she could to get me back. After a month of begging I agreed to try for R.

Since then she has been the best wife she ever was. Yes the pain of her A is still with me, but I also have the best wife I ever had now. She also has a clear understanding that any slip on her part, no matter how small will result in instant divorce with no second chances. If I have any reason to suspect she's cheating again. I won't check. I'll just file and let her figure out what to do.


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## helpandadvice

I hear whaI need to stop having sex with her. It is only confusing things for me and is giving me a false sense of hope right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryanp

No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change.


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## Entropy3000

IMO this is not just an EA. An EA is emotional. But this went sexual with the pictures and sexting that accompanied. So this is a sexual affair.


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## helpandadvice

Does pictures make it sexual and I am sure talking dirty also?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Refuse to be played

helpandadvice said:


> I hear whaI need to stop having sex with her. *It is only confusing things for me and is giving me a false sense of hope right now.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thats why she's doing it. She can't have you standing up for yourself and making her choose: him or you (w/ consequences). So she get OM to get her worked up and has you finish the job. I'm willing to bet it is not you in her head while you were doing it.


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## phillybeffandswiss

helpandadvice said:


> I asked her today and yesterday if she wanted to have sex and she said yes. It was really good both times and I have told her it is just sex. Is that goodand should I continue doing this? It seems like her sex drive is through the roof in the last couple months. I found all her masterbating toys and we have talked about that. What do you guys think?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'd be using protection and getting an STD check. If you do the 180, it isn't going to work well if you keep having sex.

Read enough threads and you'll see low drive women screwing their husband and affair partner multiple times in the same week. Heck many of the men talk about sex frequency going up from 1-2 a week or month to nearly double or triple in a week


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## azteca1986

helpandadvice said:


> Does pictures make it sexual and I am sure talking dirty also?


OM got EIGHT times as many pics as you did. If they're getting each other off, it is sexual.


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## happyman64

helpandadvice said:


> Does pictures make it sexual and I am sure talking dirty also?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


H&A

The quickest way to see if your wife comes back to the marriage is to give her what she wants.

A divorce.

File. Have her served. Do not let know it is coming.

File for full custody.

When she asks why tell her so it is so she can go to NY to be with loverboy.

The sooner she sees life as she knew it coming to an end the sooner she might wake up.

Give her consequences that she will feel.

No you.
No kids.
No $$$.
No house.

Tell her that is the price for freedom.....

D not yell or be angry. Be cool, calm and dispassionate.

Hm64


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## phillybeffandswiss

helpandadvice said:


> Does pictures make it sexual and I am sure talking dirty also?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


100% sexual. Hate to say it, but you should have looked at the data usage of the bills. Sorry for making this worse, but with toys and video chat you have only scratched the surface.

She is freezing you out of her social sites, her phone and the marriage. Until she straightens out, you need to worry about your girls and yourself.


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## Refuse to be played

phillybeffandswiss said:


> I'd be using protection and getting an STD check. If you do the 180, it isn't going to work well if you keep having sex.
> 
> Read enough threads and you'll see low drive women screwing their husband and affair partner multiple times in the same week. Heck many of the men talk about sex frequency going up from 1-2 a week or month to nearly double or triple in a week


They live in Texas and the OM lives in NY. Doubt its physical. Still squick though.


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## phillybeffandswiss

Refuse to be played said:


> They live in Texas and the OM lives in NY. Doubt its physical. Still squick though.


You and I are on different pages.


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## helpandadvice

I have checked the data usage and there is nothing there.

I screwed up today and think she got ahold of my external hard drive where I have my recordings saved from my recorders around the house. Not sure if she heard them or saved them to her computer. I guess I will find out one way or the other and it does not really matter at this point.

I need to talk with a lawyer this week and get the ball rolling. It is so hard for me to actually do this, but think it has to be down like the above replies. She has no consequences for anything right now and she will either snap out of this affair fog or will leave.


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## helpandadvice

Damn it ... I hate this, I hate this, I hate this. Just like everyone else posting in this website, I can't believe this is happening to me.

I am absolutely not having sex with her again. Sex confusing everything for me and can't think clearly. After having sex with my wife today, I get thoughts in my mind that things are working out. These thoughts are completely ridiculous and sex is messing with my mind.


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## helpandadvice

I am also getting obsessed with the snooping and trying to find out the real whole truth. It is starting to affect me at work and home. I find myself forgetting to do things I am need to do and not spending time with my kids.

My wife acts around the house like she has never been happier in her entire life. I asked her why she is so happy and she said it is a front for the kids. She said she is not happy right now. I said why are you not happy, you are getting every f??king thing you want. F??k her. There I go, get mad and motivated again. I can do this.


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## Mr Blunt

> By OP
> I can't believe this ... what do I do next?


Great one sentence answer by Happyman below:


> By Happyman
> *Give her consequences that she will feel*.


Give her consequences; not so much out of revenge but because it is a very good action that can be good for you and her. If she is one of those that is in a fog and has dropped into a very selfish attitude then no amount of reasoning or kindness will help much. *Deep selfishness often only responds to pain.*

In your case the consequences will give you a measure of justice and will show that you demand respect. If you want to R then consequences may be the jolt that gets the WS to start to try and gets some dignity back into their life.


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## Shaggy

Post the OM up on cheaterville.com and send him the link,

Subscribe under his name some really nasty mags, but send the subscription by mistake to his next door neighbor, his office or to his parents address.


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## weightlifter

OK if you wish to get the truth faster here is how to go 007 on her hardcore.

VARs and evidence

Your wife is acting funny. Her phone and email suddenly have passwords you don't know. She shuts down phone apps or changes windows on the computer whenever you enter the room. She is suddenly staying out until 2 to 5 in the morning. She has new single friends. She has lost weight and is dressing hotter to boot. Her ex contacted her 3 weeks ago and she wants “to meet to catch up at some public place” Any of this sound familiar? 

If you are reading this your gut is going crazy. “Relax”, in that there is a high liklihood that you are not crazy at least. “Your gut” is your basic instinct from the caveman period. There is something up with your mate. It is part of your mind built into you and in your DNA. You probably cant sleep. You are losing weight like crazy and are not hungry. Well if you are reading this and that is 90% of you reading this if its your first time... You are embarking on what is probably going to be the worst time of your life.

Chin up, yes I know it is damn near impossible to believe now, but I and the people at TAM here have taken dozens of men through this process. Some reconcile, most dont in the long run so be aware. Most of us hang around this grim grim place for a sense of “pay it forward” and “getting at the truth” Even in divorce, the long run the majority find love again... yes really. Often selecting a far far better future companion. Read poster BFF for a thread of disaster, divorce, recovery, and a new wonderful woman in his life. Younger and hotter, yes, but also one with better boundaries, often a far far better personality match. Oh and they get to go through that first time with her after the first I love you's have been exchanged. Just know, that for the majority, even if the marriage crashes, in six months, a year, maybe two you will wonder how you got so far so fast and how great your new life is. You will also be MUCH MUCH stronger as a person.

So. Here are your instructions. Do this now. I dont mean next week. I mean make something up within the next day and GET IT DONE! Not looking will only prolong your agony.

NO MORE CONFRONTS!! Play dumb husband for a bit. Dont drive her further underground! Soft confronts RARELY WORK AND ONLY MAKE GETTING AT THE TRUTH HARDER!!! THIS PROLONGS YOUR AGONY! NEVER give up you get your intel from the VAR. You tell her, you always got your info from a PI or someone saw them. Hard confronts with overwhelming evidence to crush all resistance are the name of the game.

Buy 2 sony ICDPX312 voice activated recorders. Best Buy sells them for like 50 bucks. DO NOT BUY THE cheapies. USE LITHIUM batteries. We have examples of 25 hour recordings using them on these sony recorders. My icon IS a Sony ICDPX312. No I do not have stock in nor work for Sony.

Setup instructions are on page 19. Also good stuff on page 31.
Use 44K bit rate for balancing file size vs quality DO NOT USE 8K!!!!! Simply put. The higher the quality the better the sound and 8K sucks. ALSO. The higher the quality the more you can manipulate the mp3 in Audacity.
Set VOR "on" see page 38
See page 40 for adding memory if necessary
Play with it yourself to get familiar. TEST IT OUT 
Turn off the beep feature. Its on one of the menus. You can even play prevent defense by going to a dollar store, buying uber-cheapie earbuds, cut off the buds but put in the jack which will actually disable the speaker for additional protection.

Go to Walmart and buy heavy duty velcro.
This is one item: Velcro Heavy-Duty Hook and Loop Fastener VEK90117: Office : Walmart.com
also
Purchase VELCRO Hook and Loop Fasteners, Sticky-Back, for less at Walmart.com. Save money. Live better.
The velcro is usually in the fabric section or the aisle with the fasteners like screws.

Use the velcro to attach the var under her seat UP INSIDE. SECURE IT WELL!!!!!! So well even a big bump wont knock it off. attach one side HD velcro from Walmart to back. USE BIG PIECE
attach other side HD velcro again UP INSIDE car seat. 

ATTACH THE CRAP out of it. It needs to stay put going over big potholes or railroad tracks.
I recommend exporting the sound files to your comp. The recorder is very cumbersome for playback.

Put the second VAR in whatever room she uses to talk in when you are not around. If you are a typical man, use your size advantage to put it someplace she cant reach, even on a chair. Beware spring cleaning season if she does it.

Amazon has a pen VAR that can be placed in a purse or other small place to get remote conversations. Yes the pen works.

Usual warning. If you hear another man and perhaps a little kissing or... STOP Listening and have a trusted friend listen and tell you what went on. Knowing she is a cheat will kill you. Hearing her moan while another man is inside her will murder you to your very soul!!!!!! You are not strong enough to hear that. Dont try it. I know what I am talking about in this.

If you need clean up the recordings get Audacity. Its free from the internet. I have used it on var work for others here to remove things like engine noise. If needed, I have done var work for four men here. RDMU is the only one who has released some of the confidentiality. Read his second thread for my reliability and confidentiality. NEVER GIVE UP YOUR ELECTRONIC EVIDENCE. They were seen by a PI or something NOT your VAR!!

If your wife comes home from an alone time does she immediately change liners, change panties possibly even immediately laundering them?, shower? This can be an after the fact clean up. Amazon sells a semen detection kit called checkmate.

The ezoom GPS has been found to be easy to buy at Radio shack and useful. There is even a locator webpage you can track with.

Look for a burner phone. This is a second phone from a prepay service just used for cheating communications. That is often why wives let the husband "see their phone" The dont use their main phone for cheating purposes.

Look for apps on her phone like words with friends. It has a non traceable texting feature.
Here is a list 25 Apps to Help You Cheat On Your Girlfriend | Complex

Look at the external drive. Did she delete the stuff? If she did you can undelete it using recovery programs. NEXT TIME SAVE IT ON an offsite thumb drive and a cloud space SEPARATELY!!!


----------



## Refuse to be played

She probably deleted all your stuff off the hard drive but it can be recovered. If you do recover it, Dropbox the hell out of it. 

And seriously. Is this OM married or not? If he is telling his wife could be a big help in ending the affair. Extra pair of eyes to keep tabs on his end. Giving her a copy of every scrap of evidence you have.

As for consequences, have you exposed to your families and close friends? Does she work? If not cut her a-- off. Have you separated finances yet? You can't legally kick her out the house and if she won't leave then kick her a-- out the bedroom. I read on another site about a BH who threw everything of the WWs out the bedroom and put a combination lock on the door. Start doing the 180 and begin divorce proceedings like you planned.

Also begin steps to improve yourself. NOT for her but for YOURSELF. Buy a copy of Married Man Sex Life Primer and No More Mr Nice Guy. Change your style, start working out more, go out by yourself and do something. With or without your current wife, you can get through this and you'll be fine.


----------



## helpandadvice

I have already gone through the divorce diet and lost 17 lbs in the first 3 weeks. You are right that I was not even hungry, but have starting eating again and weight has stabilized.

She does not go out at night and party. She tells me this guys means nothing to her and she just wants to be independent/not maried. Her parents smothered her and made all decisions her entire life. Her parents have crippled her and I have probably done the same thing to her. She has always had someone just completely take care of her. This OM is probably just encouraging her to be single like he is and telling her how great it is. He has no family and my wife has 3 kids. My wife is a complete idiot.

Even if she decided to R, not sure I want her back. This will all happen again. Once a cheater always a cheater.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## awake1

helpandadvice said:


> Damn it ... I hate this, I hate this, I hate this. Just like everyone else posting in this website, I can't believe this is happening to me.
> 
> I am absolutely not having sex with her again. Sex confusing everything for me and can't think clearly. After having sex with my wife today, I get thoughts in my mind that things are working out. These thoughts are completely ridiculous and sex is messing with my mind.


Even though you believe it, it can still seem unbelievable, if that makes sense. 

It seems for a FWW/WW who wants to keep her plan B around, sex is the weapon of choice. 

There are a lot of bonding hormones released during sex, not to mention cuddling. It's not just in your head. 

Cold turkey, and if you must partake, use condoms. If you feel however, that emotions are just too strong, better not to. 



helpandadvice said:


> I am also getting obsessed with the snooping and trying to find out the real whole truth. It is starting to affect me at work and home. I find myself forgetting to do things I am need to do and not spending time with my kids.


I think we all go through a period like that. It'll pass. I remember spending days sifting through data backups, thinking up ways to test her story. 

Looking back, it was a huge waste of time.

Putting your effort into you and your kids will pay off far more than throwing more good money after bad with WW.



helpandadvice said:


> My wife acts around the house like she has never been happier in her entire life. I asked her why she is so happy and she said it is a front for the kids. She said she is not happy right now. I said why are you not happy, you are getting every f??king thing you want. F??k her. There I go, get mad and motivated again. I can do this.


She's fogged up. She probably wonders how much of your reaction will stick, and secretly hopes it can all go back to the way it was, in time. (assuming her and OM don't have other plans.) 

My advice is to start working out, working on yourself. This anger you feel will die down over time (even if it never goes away). Stronglifts 5x5, or mark rippletoes starting strength are good places to start. I wouldn't follow the dietary advice of rippletoe, but the exercise routine is very solid. Of the two I think stronglifts is probably better, but they're both solid imo. If you've never done them before, youtube has videos on proper form. That's really important, especially for squatting/dead lifting and shoulder exercises. Stronglifts is free, and the website has lots of information both on the routine and the individual exercises. 

An old weight bench and barbell with weights is all you need to start.

If you choose to exercise, i would stay away from long duration cardio due to the cortisol increase (stress hormone) and accompanying drop in testosterone. In an already calorie restricted state, adding lots of exercise has been proven not to be the best idea for long term success. It's great for improving fitness and weight maintenance, but the hormone profile it causes along with leptin (appetite) increases isn't good.

If you're dieting, lifting weights is even more important. You want to spare every ounce of muscle you can. 

These routines won't take long, and for a beginner will be just fine for building strength and some muscle. It'll take a few weeks or months to start noticing any change but it's well worth it. 

There's also another good one by all pro. It's a hypertrophy routine, though I forget the name. 

I've found no better therapy than lifting weights and taking care of yourself. It gives you small goals you can knock out week after week, and provides you with a much needed distraction. Not to mention the boost in confidence is sorely needed. 

Often seeing a BS start hitting the gym, going out, meeting new people will cause a WS to start wondering WTF is going on.

The 180 works so well because the WS has in their mind this plan B will stick around no matter what. They just assume if they throw you sex now and then, maybe a nice evening here and there, you'll continue to enable their behavior. 

Acting like you're moving on, even if you fake it, eventually shatters this notion. Sometimes the WS doesn't notice till it's too late, or eventually figures they don't care. 

Regardless it's probably the wisest choice.

Have you used VARs or anything? Weightlifters post on VARs is solid if you decide to go that route.


----------



## Ovid

helpandadvice said:


> I have already gone through the divorce diet and lost 17 lbs in the first 3 weeks. You are right that I was not even hungry, but have starting eating again and weight has stabilized.
> 
> She does not go out at night and party. She tells me this guys means nothing to her and she just wants to be independent/not maried. Her parents smothered her and made all decisions her entire life. Her parents have crippled her and I have probably done the same thing to her. She has always had someone just completely take care of her. This OM is probably just encouraging her to be single like he is and telling her how great it is. He has no family and my wife has 3 kids. My wife is a complete idiot.
> 
> Even if she decided to R, not sure I want her back. This will all happen again. Once a cheater always a cheater.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is all a result of being wrapped up in the A. She's saying it's not him she just wants her independence, but the truth is it is him. Her reason for wanting independence is to be with OM. Give her what she asked for. Cut her off. 

File D.

Don't pay any attention to her other than what is legally required. Do the 180 to the best of your ability.

Immediately cut off any money you're giving her.


----------



## awake1

helpandadvice said:


> I have already gone through the divorce diet and lost 17 lbs in the first 3 weeks. You are right that I was not even hungry, but have starting eating again and weight has stabilized.


I was on that diet too. It consisted of alcohol and diet pepsi. 


helpandadvice said:


> She does not go out at night and party. She tells me this guys means nothing to her and she just wants to be independent/not maried.


So if she wants to be single, why isn't she going out? I think this is a test. 



helpandadvice said:


> Her parents smothered her and made all decisions her entire life. Her parents have crippled her and I have probably done the same thing to her. She has always had someone just completely take care of her.


Have you read no more mr nice guy and married man sex life primer?



helpandadvice said:


> Even if she decided to R, not sure I want her back. This will all happen again. Once a cheater always a cheater.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You could be right, but early in the process this opinion often changes to "yes I do want her back" then it's back to "no I dont want her back. 

I don't know if you've had that happen, or if it will, but it's something to be mentally prepared for.


----------



## Ovid

For weight training I like MuscleHack


----------



## awake1

Ovid said:


> For weight training I like MuscleHack



So long as he picks just about _anything_ not completely stupid, it'll work. 

Musclehack looks okay too. Just pick one. Though my advice is stronglifts because of its simplicity and effectiveness with anyone new to lifting. I'm not saying it's necessarily superior. The most important thing is sticking to it. Stronglifts is similar to starting strength, and even bill stars 5x5, and has more of a bent toward a lifting foundation to build off of.

I think the simple A/B schedule rather than a split for starting out, and only a handful of exercises per workout is great. You learn the core lifts, perfect form, and down the road maybe add more isolation stuff. 

Often it's a case of doing something, but not doing too much, too fast. 

I think lyle mcdonalds generic hypertrophy routine is probably the most efficient, but the various exercises and set ranges 't seem overly complex to recommend for someone completely new to it.


----------



## Entropy3000

helpandadvice said:


> Does pictures make it sexual and I am sure talking dirty also?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


YES!!!!!!!

An EA is emotional. Often those involved do not view it as an affair at all. They have bonded very closely. Indeed if separated they would go through withdrawal so it is an addictive affair.

But EAs can turn romantic / sexual. But that is another phase.

My point is that sexting and sending pictures an what not does not require a full blown EA. It is not really EA behavior. It is beyond this or something else altogether. EAs are emotional and can turn sexual. But some affairs are just purely sexual in nature.


----------



## badmemory

helpandadvice said:


> Even if she decided to R, not sure I want her back. This will all happen again. Once a cheater always a cheater._Posted via Mobile Device_


Here is the problem right now. It should be *you*, not her, making the decision to R. She is the one that cheated, and is likely still doing it. *You* have to take control back if you want to even consider R. If she doesn't respond remorsefully to the control shift, then so be it.

There is no way in he!! that you should accept her burner phone and locked passwords, given her cheating. Eliminate the ambiguity. Sit her down at your next opportunity and tell her if she chooses not to immediately hand over that burner phone and give you all her passwords, you are divorcing her. End of discussion. Then if she doesn't, implement the 180, remove her from your bedroom, and have her served ASAP. Start moving on with your life and don't discuss anything with her unless it's about the kids. Separate your finances.

If she agrees to everything you want, then you can consider "delaying" the divorce; but don't stop it completely until or unless she shows consistent remorse.


----------



## helpandadvice

Is there anyway for me to get custody of the kids? She is obviously making bad decisions and do not want her to bring the kids down with her. She has repeatedly said she is not leaving the kids.

My plan is to talk with lawyer this week and make her an offer on divorce settlement that I want. If she does not agree, we will fivht it out and give all our cash to lawyers. She will be left with nothing and cant even support herself. I will not even skip a beat unless totally screwed in divorce. Texas is pretty fair, but still going to get fu??ked.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## badmemory

helpandadvice said:


> *Is there anyway for me to get custody of the kids? * She is obviously making bad decisions and do not want her to bring the kids down with her. She has repeatedly said she is not leaving the kids.
> 
> My plan is to talk with lawyer this week and make her an offer on divorce settlement that I want. If she does not agree, we will fivht it out and give all our cash to lawyers. She will be left with nothing and cant even support herself. I will not even skip a beat unless totally screwed in divorce. Texas is pretty fair, but still going to get fu??ked.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Unlikely that a judge would allow you more that 50/50 custody based on her A, if even that. You'd have to prove that she was an unfit mother. (Drugs, law breaking, child abuse, diagnosed mental issues, etc.)


----------



## Thorburn

I am a professional counselor. Stop the MC now. Your wife has left the marriage. No need to continue MC. THe snooping will be obsessive, been there. Your wife is flagrantly flaunting her privacy. This is not good. Unrepentant.

Do the 180. Focus on you and the kids. 

1. Cut off her finances. If you pay the bills she does not need money from you. Cut off as much as you can. 
2. Get control of all accounts. Pay the main bills. Go to the bank and get the account in your name. I did and I was the principle on that account. My wife complained, went to the bank and found out she could do nothing.
3. I cut off her cell phone. I was the principle on that account. Your wife like mine has a burner phone so she does not need another phone.
4. Seek legal advice. My attorney told me I could cut off almost everything. As long as the bills were paid I could change accounts, cut her off from the money. She was working part time.
5. File for D. Like badmemory said you can delay it if she shows remorse.
6. Don't file for D if you don't mean it. It is like telling the kid, don't do this or if you do then I will punish you and you don't mean it or don't follow through. You do it to threaten them. Your wife will see right through this if that is your purpose. If you file for D mean it. 


Many of us have been through this. I have been through hel* and back. My wife told me the A was over then I went through over a year of false R. She still continued the A and was still having sex, even after we bought our second home, went on trips to Cancun and the Virgin Islands.

Don't let her dictate anything. Don't be mean but let her go.


----------



## Thor

helpandadvice said:


> Is there anyway for me to get custody of the kids? She is obviously making bad decisions and do not want her to bring the kids down with her. She has repeatedly said she is not leaving the kids.
> 
> My plan is to talk with lawyer this week and make her an offer on divorce settlement that I want. If she does not agree, we will fivht it out and give all our cash to lawyers. She will be left with nothing and cant even support herself. I will not even skip a beat unless totally screwed in divorce. Texas is pretty fair, but still going to get fu??ked.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Go to dadsdivorce.com and find "the List".


----------



## Thorburn

helpandadvice said:


> Is there anyway for me to get custody of the kids? She is obviously making bad decisions and do not want her to bring the kids down with her. She has repeatedly said she is not leaving the kids.
> 
> My plan is to talk with lawyer this week and make her an offer on divorce settlement that I want. If she does not agree, we will fivht it out and give all our cash to lawyers. She will be left with nothing and cant even support herself. I will not even skip a beat unless totally screwed in divorce. Texas is pretty fair, but still going to get fu??ked.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Do as much research as you can on D and custody. I found out what the worse scenerio was. After I met with my attorney I found out that it was not as bad as I thought, but my boys are in their twenties and I did not have to fight for the kids.

If you can get her family involved. If they are on your side they could influence her to give you more favorable terms.


----------



## OnTheRocks

I got divorced in TX last year. Unless she agrees to something else, if you go to court there isn't much hope for you to get more than what's called "expanded standard" custody unless she's a convicted felon.


----------



## helpandadvice

Did I mention my wife is an idiot!!! I have her computer now and have gotten past her password. The computer is mine now andshe thinks the hard drive crashed and the computer is junk ... LOL. I have briefly gone through it and not found anything. Looks like she deleted some stuff, but not all. Going to look at her bookmarks tonight. Any tips on what I should do or where to look. I am good with computers, but by far not an IT person.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## OnTheRocks

Your attorney will also introduce you to the concept of "guideline child support", which is 30% of your takehome pay for 3 kids in TX.


----------



## badmemory

helpandadvice said:


> Did I mention my wife is an idiot!!! I have her computer now and have gotten past her password. The computer is mine now andshe thinks the hard drive crashed and the computer is junk ... LOL. I have briefly gone through it and not found anything. Looks like she deleted some stuff, but not all. Going to look at her bookmarks tonight. Any tips on what I should do or where to look. I am good with computers, but by far not an IT person.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What kind of e-mail program did she use? If it was Outlook or another non-internet based application, all her deleted e-mails would be on the hard drive, waiting for you to recover them with recovery software. If her e-mail account is through your cable provider (ISP), then there is a good possibility that the last couple of years worth of them are still on the server - and can be recovered by opening the same account on another computer.

Sometimes you just have to be "lucky", but that's how I recovered my wife's deleted e-mails.


----------



## Ovid

Run recovery software.

Install a keylogger.


----------



## helpandadvice

She does not use outlook, but uses yahoo.

What if I find a website she visits. How can I find her username & password?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Thorburn

One thing you will hear is to stop using the computer and have forensics done on it. Typically it will cost about $1,000.00 and you will need to have an attorney do it. When I contacted some computer forensic companies, they told me they only do business with attorneys. It has to do with legality of who owns the computer ect.

Having said that, there are some ways to go into the computer and perhaps find the passwords. Sometimes, the person may have the computer remember the password and you may not have to do anything other then go to the log in page and it will automatically log you in.

Some people have a file in their computer named "passwords" with a list of their passwords.. You might get lucky.

Some folks use the same password for everything.

Until my wife gave me her passwords when she came clean I would have never figured it out.


----------



## helpandadvice

WTF ... Found where she bookmarked a website for sex with no strings attached. Ahhhhhhhhhhb .... I have an appointment on wednesday with a lawyer. I need to keep cool and play the game. I need to fight for my kids. What a f??king **** my wife is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Thorburn

helpandadvice said:


> WTF ... Found where she bookmarked a website for sex with no strings attached. Ahhhhhhhhhhb .... I have an appointment on wednesday with a lawyer. I need to keep cool and play the game. I need to fight for my kids. What a f??king **** my wife is.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If the computer is yours you can have the forensics done on it. Not cheap, but it is the best way to get the data you are looking for. Most software programs out there will not do it and may even get rid of the stuff you are looking for.

Yea, keep your cool. Anything you find keep it guarded and do not let her know anything about what you find nor that the computer is working. Don't show your hand.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

See if her browser history has saved the passwords. Many people do this without thinking. Be prepared, things can get ugly fast. If you can access passwords, maybe go to a library or somewhere away from home to look and read any correspondence.


----------



## Jasel

If she's using google chrome you can find passwords to pretty much every password protected site she's been too if she hasn't cleared her password history recently.


----------



## weightlifter

Gah too bad she thinks the comp is junk. Id have it full of fun little things like keyloggers. THAT will get you into yahoo.

IIRC Yahoo does leave html traces there are a few progies out threre that can find some stuff.

Is the site initials AM? BTW what is the date on the bookmark? You can see created and last accessed on bookmark properties.


----------



## helpandadvice

The bookmark is dated August 20 and I found out about all this stuff around August 7.

My recorder picked up her talking to herself about a damn phone not working. Right. Sounds to me like a cheap prepaid phone. I also hear hear talking to herself and can tell she is probably texting. I hear her say something like "damn I did not invite Jeff". I only know 1 jeff and he lives 5 hours from me and know that is not who she is talking about. What is going on?

I am going to setup my recorders tomorrow as always and this time stick my cell phone in her car on silent. She might be leaving the phone I track at home and going somewhere with the prepaid. I will track my own phone.

After digging through her computer, I found nothing except that website. Look the website up and let me know what you think ... Eroticads.com
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## awake1

helpandadvice said:


> The bookmark is dated August 20 and I found out about all this stuff around August 7.
> 
> My recorder picked up her talking to herself about a damn phone not working. Right. Sounds to me like a cheap prepaid phone. I also hear hear talking to herself and can tell she is probably texting. I hear her say something like "damn I did not invite Jeff". I only know 1 jeff and he lives 5 hours from me and know that is not who she is talking about. What is going on?
> 
> I am going to setup my recorders tomorrow as always and this time stick my cell phone in her car on silent. She might be leaving the phone I track at home and going somewhere with the prepaid. I will track my own phone.
> 
> After digging through her computer, I found nothing except that website. Look the website up and let me know what you think ... Eroticads.com
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Most often people use the same password for everything. 

You can also try password recovery options using secret questions. It's often "what's your birthday" "what color is your car" etc. You'd want to check the legality of that in your area. 

Also, assuming you have the main email account used to sign up for other accounts, you can generally reset the passwords pretty easy. For example, facebook or if there's a gmail address. 

Again i'm not sure of the legality of this in your area. Everyone pretty well knows all this anyways. 

Even though FWW had deleted the pics she sent OM, they were still on the PC almost 2 years later. I also got pics of the OM. 

Most were sent through the phone though, and that's a whole other animal. 

You can pull the hard drive and put it in another machine, but chances are you'll be able to grab some stuff even if you don't do that. 

There's a lot of free recovery software for Jpgs and what not. 

Iphones are far easier to retrieve texts from than android. With a great many android phones it's simply not possible. 

Assuming she has a smart phone, I would bet most of the infidelity took place through that. 

You can also try hooking the phone up to a PC and running a recovery program on the SD card. There's tutorials but this is hit and miss. Depends on if the phone is rooted, permissions, brand even, etc.


----------



## ironman

helpandadvice said:


> WTF ... Found where she bookmarked a website for sex with no strings attached. Ahhhhhhhhhhb .... I have an appointment on wednesday with a lawyer. I need to keep cool and play the game. I need to fight for my kids. What a f??king **** my wife is.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Damm, that's an unfortunate turn of events. Sorry man.


----------



## happyman64

helpandadvice said:


> WTF ... Found where she bookmarked a website for sex with no strings attached. Ahhhhhhhhhhb .... I have an appointment on wednesday with a lawyer. I need to keep cool and play the game. I need to fight for my kids. What a f??king **** my wife is.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Cool, calm and dispassionate.

Go see an attorney.

Do not tell your wife what you are doing.

You need to throw her off balance and fight for your kids.

The key is to shock her and keep her off balance.

And secure any evidence. Good work on the var.

HM


----------



## Chaparral

https://www.google.com/#q=eroticads.com&safe=off

One of the largest adult dating websites.

Does your wife work? Does she go out with the girls without you?


----------



## Chaparral

Quote form a review *Users Give Erotic Ads: 1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars

Loading ... 
As a member of more than my fair share of casual sex dating sites I have experienced it all. These experiences have left me the biggest cynic you will ever meet, So when I first discovered eroticads.com and their cheesy little bunny logo I thought no way in hell this site was a winner. It wasn’t long however after signing-up I changed my tune. I was very impressed with the member area on eroticads.com, its design was clean, easy to use and offered all the features I look for in a site. Most important of all, the size of the member base. As you will learn bellow in check point #2 erotic ads is a massive site. With so many chicks to choose from this site makes it a breeze to meet and hookup with local girls. For instance at any even time there is no less than 50 woman online who meet my search criteria, all within 10 miles of me. Over all eroticads.com passed 4/5 of our check points and finished ranked as our #2 sex dating site, well worth the cost of membership.*

Check to see if she has used a credit card to pay for membership. Do women have to pay for memberships to these kid of sites?


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## weightlifter

OP just buy a SONY voice activated recorder. ICDPX312 or ICDPX333.

If you need help boosting the recordings. Ive removed noise and pulled whispers at 40 feet using software. I have a special email I use to receive files. Get to 30 posts for access to private forum and see RDMU thread #2 post 1 for my confidentiality and reliability. I also can decipher about twice what he can of his own wife. Hopefully you were using at least 40K bit an hour recording speed.

Chap. May or may not be true. I could write that there are not one but two chicks pleasuring me while I type this while two more are making videos from me on the couch.

Stay cool. We will have you through this and in nuclear confront soon enough. I gave RDMU most of his confront. She broke in under a minute. BTW save a screenie of the website then print it (You can put the screen shot on a usb drive and get them printed at staples if you dont have a printer". It will make a great piece to break your wife during the confront.

Edit: You know this is extremely likely to end very very bad right? Yes we will help you there too. 

PM me if you need more. Were here to help you through this.


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## helpandadvice

I am going to check bank and credit card statements tonight. You can not do anything on that site untill you pay. I have not found where she bought a membership yet.

My oldest daughter saw the prepaid phone this morning and took it. She hid it in her school backpack and eventually gave in to my wife and gave it back. My oldest said she was really mad and screaming. She gave my oldest a spanking and put her in timeout after school. Daddy comes home and to the res ue and told her she did good. My wife told them she threw the phone away. Yea right. I am going to check the trash tonight just in case.

Should I confront her tonight and get it? I have over 2 hours of recordings from today and sure she told someone about the events of today. Think I will keep my mouth shut to keep her going further underground. Will post later what is on the recorder after I have time to listen.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64

No confrontations.

You listen. You observe.

Collect the evidence and play dumb.

Keep your emotions under control and act calm.

And oh yes, take your oldest out or some ice cream. She is a smart kid while her mother acts like a fool.

HM


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## helpandadvice

With all the toppings!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## phillybeffandswiss

helpandadvice said:


> My oldest daughter saw the prepaid phone this morning and took it. She hid it in her school backpack and eventually gave in to my wife and gave it back. My oldest said she was really mad and screaming.
> Daddy comes home and to the res ue and *told her she did good.* My wife told them she threw the phone away. Yea right. I am going to check the trash tonight just in case.


Sorry, I know it is rough, but I have to be blunt. 

She did not do good. You shouldn't be reenforcing bad behavior. That's your wife's phone, no matter what it is used for, your daughter had *NO BUSINESS* stealing something from her mom. Your wife is a complete fool, but you both need to act like adults.

Yes, you comfort your daughter, but she is not to run interference or special operations for your divorce, marriage, reconciliation or whatever you two decide to do.


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## helpandadvice

JACKPOT .... JACKPOT ... I understand what you are saying, but just checked my recorder and got the entire thing. She scolds them and tells them to tell me that she has no phone. Tells my oldest to tell me that she threw it in the trash. She is teacing them to lie and be dishonest. What a f??king bi??h. Not only that, but I have her on recording talking to the prepaid company about her bill. She is complaining about her bill and she just paid it. I now have her phone number, password and last text message sent. Guess who the last text message is, yep the OM. Jackpot. I have meeting with lawyer tomorrow and pretty sure of the next step.

Unbelievable. Finally have something go my way. F??k yea.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67

helpandadvice said:


> JACKPOT .... JACKPOT ... I understand what you are saying, but just checked my recorder and got the entire thing. She scolds them and tells them to tell me that she has no phone. Tells my oldest to tell me that she threw it in the trash. She is teacing them to lie and be dishonest. What a f??king bi??h. Not only that, but I have her on recording talking to the prepaid company about her bill. She is complaining about her bill and she just paid it. I now have her phone number, password and last text message sent. Guess who the last text message is, yep the OM. Jackpot. I have meeting with lawyer tomorrow and pretty sure of the next step.
> 
> Unbelievable. Finally have something go my way. F??k yea.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ok now keep a var on YOU when dealing with her.


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## Augusto

Remind her that she is gambling you away and ask how she feels about you being with another woman that makes you happy and raises her kids. Growing old together and looking forward to being grandparents someday and she is not in the picture because she threw it all away for another man that is not a sure thing. She is risking not having joy later. My wife's birth mom now has this heartache and would take everything back if she could as this is exactly what your wife did. Tell her she is throwing it away and no more chances.


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## tom67

Augusto said:


> Remind her that she is gambling you away and ask how she feels about you being with another woman that makes you happy and raises her kids. Growing old together and looking forward to being grandparents someday and she is not in the picture because she threw it all away for another man that is not a sure thing. She is risking not having joy later. My wife's birth mom now has this heartache and would take everything back if she could as this is exactly what your wife did. Tell her she is throwing it away and no more chances.


:iagree::iagree:


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## aug

helpandadvice said:


> JACKPOT .... JACKPOT ... I understand what you are saying, but just checked my recorder and got the entire thing. She scolds them and tells them to tell me that she has no phone. Tells my oldest to tell me that she threw it in the trash. She is teacing them to lie and be dishonest. What a f??king bi??h. Not only that, but I have her on recording talking to the prepaid company about her bill. She is complaining about her bill and she just paid it. I now have her phone number, password and last text message sent. Guess who the last text message is, yep the OM. Jackpot. I have meeting with lawyer tomorrow and pretty sure of the next step.
> 
> Unbelievable. Finally have something go my way. F??k yea.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



good for you.

this allows clarity for you.


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## helpandadvice

My lawyer told me recording things in your home is illegal if atleast 1 party does not know about it? I thought you could record anything in your own home. Does anyone know the law?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64

helpandadvice said:


> My lawyer told me recording things in your home is illegal if atleast 1 party does not know about it? I thought you could record anything in your own home. Does anyone know the law?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You! are the one party.....

Protect yourself and deal with the liar appropriately.

But most of all protect your kids.

HM


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## Chaparral

If that's so and you are using a var while you are gone, it is only for your ears to know what is really going on.

Never reveal your sources or you will lose them as an asset.


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## OnTheRocks

Listen to your lawyer's advice when it comes to revealing your sources, but personally, I would have stopped at nothing to discover the truth when my ex was lying to me.


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## DavidWYoung

I know you want to be the "White Knight" but.....IT WILL NOT WORK!

Trust me , I know. Your wife is her own person, let her go. It is not your job in life to save her. Let her go and work on yourself.

Most of us here on TAM have gone thru something like this or worse!
Try and learn from us. It is not like they teach this stuff in school or with friends or family. How to end a marriage 101!

I know this is the hardest thing you have ever had to do but you must cut her off, do it for you and your future. Just my 2 cents David


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## GROUNDPOUNDER

helpandadvice said:


> My lawyer told me recording things in your home is illegal if atleast 1 party does not know about it? I thought you could record anything in your own home. Does anyone know the law?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This ain't Watergate. You're just trying to find out how much and how bad your wife has cheated on you.

Just don't tell ANYONE about the recordings until long after the divorce. If you don't get divorced, then NEVER tell anyone.

But us that is.


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## illwill

Do not warn or threaten her. Simply file.


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## helpandadvice

I feel so lost and just worn out by everything. I have done so much searching and thinking about worse case scenarious that it is hard to keep straight what I know is fact. What I do know right now is I am not sure about anything and that should be enough because she is not being 100% with me.

I do know she had an EA and stopped. Then bought a prepaid and still has it.I am guessing and prety sure she is still talking to the OM. I have no proof from recorders and no proof of any PA. She is still not wanting to be married.

Is that enough to get a D? Is it enough that she is not trying? Is it enough that there is no remorse? I am by fault a person that never gives up on anything and hate to just throw it all away. I know she is the one that did this, but I am the last one holding on. Guess I just answered my own question.

Any thoughts out there? Seems like there is only people in this website that are negative and for good reason, but would like to hear from positive people too.

Ahhhhh!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tdwal

helpandadvice said:


> I feel so lost and just worn out by everything. I have done so much searching and thinking about worse case scenarious that it is hard to keep straight what I know is fact. What I do know right now is I am not sure about anything and that should be enough because she is not being 100% with me.
> 
> I do know she had an EA and stopped. Then bought a prepaid and still has it.I am guessing and prety sure she is still talking to the OM. I have no proof from recorders and no proof of any PA. She is still not wanting to be married.
> 
> Is that enough to get a D? Is it enough that she is not trying? Is it enough that there is no remorse? I am by fault a person that never gives up on anything and hate to just throw it all away. I know she is the one that did this, but I am the last one holding on. Guess I just answered my own question.
> 
> Any thoughts out there? Seems like there is only people in this website that are negative and for good reason, but would like to hear from positive people too.
> 
> Ahhhhh!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It may appear that people here are only negative, but what they really are is realistic from having been there. They tell you to 180 to help you, they tell you to file for D to end the affair and demonstrate how serious you are. Everybody here would love for all these situations to end in reconciliation but that is not entirely possible. You have to be willing to lose everything in order to save it, it's been proven many times here. Listen to the advice don't just discount it.

Understand that these posters freely give their time to help others recover and not suffer as they did going through this for as long as they did.


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## Hope1964

You can read my story here

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/reconciliation/32264-hello.html#post434954

It's one of the few with a truly remorseful spouse around here. We're stupidly happy together now, but we're 3 1/2 years out and the ONLY reason we are is because my husband did everything right.

Your wife is most assuredly NOT doing everything right.

Your only choice right now is to file for divorce. I am sorry, really sorry, that this has happened, but it's your wife who did this. And the fact she is also involving your kids that way?!?! Totally reprehensible.


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## ArmyofJuan

helpandadvice said:


> She is still *not *wanting to be married.


There's your answer, you don't have a choice. You can't force (nor should you want to) someone to stay with you if they don't want to. You wanting her to stay for your own benefit is no less selfish than her wanting to leave.

Every minute you spend with someone that doesn't want to be with you is a minute lost for someone that does. There's an unlimited supply of women out there.


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## phillybeffandswiss

helpandadvice said:


> She is still not wanting to be married.


You are and adult.
She is an adult. You can't make an adult do anything they don't want to.


If she doesn't want to do something why are you fighting her? She doesn't want to be married, give her the wish. I'd fight her tooth and nail over custody, finances and other things but she could have the divorce.



> Any thoughts out there? Seems like there is only people in this website that are negative and for good reason, but would like to hear from positive people too.


LOL. There are plenty of positive people on this website, they just aren't telling you what you want to hear.


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## turnera

helpandadvice said:


> My lawyer told me recording things in your home is illegal if atleast 1 party does not know about it? I thought you could record anything in your own home. Does anyone know the law?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 In Texas, you have to be one of the people HAVING the conversation being recorded, to not have to tell the other person.


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## turnera

helpandadvice said:


> Seems like there is only people in this website that are negative and for good reason, but would like to hear from positive people too.


Positive about what? That she will suddenly hate OM's guts, prostrate herself and beg your forgiveness?

Why would she do that? 

HE is making her heart race, she is ADDICTED to him just like heroin, and you are just the mean boring Nice Man standing in her way of good feelings. 

The only way we have seen, in all the years we've been doing this, to get her to wake up is to (1) expose the affair to her and his important people and to (2) SHOW her that you WILL leave and take everything away from her that you legally can. 

You can't make her suddenly care about you. That's HER mind, HER choices. All you can do is control your side of the fence and stop trying to nice her back.


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## turnera

Who else have you exposed to besides her parents?


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## illwill

There are places that will bs you. They sell hope, we give you hard work and blunt truth. They will advise you to forgive and forget. We tell you to have self respect, even if it ends your marriage. Pick your posion. But understand we are rooting for you to recover not just your marriage, but your sense of self.


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## helpandadvice

I have exposed it to my parents, my brother and her parents. She has also told a few of her close friends, but not the whole truth. I could tell more friends and the rest of her family, but I have not wanted everyone to know just yet. Thinking about the kids and what if we reconciled.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk

Turnera and Illwill are giving you shrewd advice. Every hand of cards can be played in the wrong order. Why waste your strong cards by holding them until they are irrelevant?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## helpandadvice

What do you mean longwalk?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67

He means you have to shock her back to reality.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral

Originally posted by Marduk, this post has helped a ton of people.

_ Originally Posted by marduk View Post 
I happened to be thinking today about the past year of my marriage. Everyone on these forums were so instrumental in my being in the great place I am today I thought I would post a note about where I was, where I am, and what I’ve learned.

A year ago my marriage was a mess. After 3 kids my stay at home wife spontaneously decided to start going out with her girlfriends again, including a “girls trip” to Vegas. She started a crazy fitness routine, including marathon running and triathalons. She started leaving me at home with the kids 2-3 evenings a week. A rough summer. I was insecure, controlling, alone, and afraid.

Thanks in part to the folks on this forum, life is much better now. My wife only goes out with her friends maybe once a month, and the last time she did, she came home early, threw her arms around me, and told me she’s so happy she gets to come home to me. She goes to the gym maybe once or twice a week for an hour or so in the early evening. When she does leave on races out of town the whole family will go on a camping trip together so we can be there for her at the finish line. The stress level in the house is much lower, and our happiness and respect for each other is much higher. Are things perfect? No – we still fight, have conflict, and disagree. But they’re shorter-lived, not has hostile, and just plain don’t seem to hurt so much. What’s changed? Me. Here’s what I learned:

1. Let her go. You can fight, hold her back, be controlling… and you’ll just look petty, insecure, and weak. Be cool, act secure, give her a kiss and say “have fun.” If she’s going to cheat or leave, she’s going to cheat or leave. It’s better if it happens sooner rather than later in my book. A marriage is a choice, a decision that’s made one day at a time. You’re in or out. This was really, really hard. But I've learned that nothing lasts forever, life is change. We can grow together or apart. I can't force her to decide to want to be with me.

2. Set boundaries, and then stick to them. I found in my marriage that it wasn’t ok to say “I don’t want you to do that” but it was ok to say “would you be ok with me doing that?” And then hold her to it. 9 times out of 10 the behaviour would go away on its own if I stuck to it. For example: if it was ok for her to be gone 2-3 nights a week so would I. After a couple of weeks she was dying to sit on the couch and watch a movie after we spent the evening with the kids together. Conversely, if it's within your boundaries, be cool with it. I started to let her off the hook for minor annoyances a lot more which cooled the stress levels.

3. Be ok with losing her. Seriously. After one of our last bad fights before things got better, I reconciled myself to thinking this might be it. The end of our marriage and little family. I thought out how things would be living on my own, sharing custody of the kids, etc. And as tough as it would be, made peace with it. It wouldn’t kill me, it wouldn’t kill my kids. Very negative experience and one I’d like to avoid at all costs, but we would survive. This changed my attitude and clinginess significantly… and to be blunt scared the hell out of my wife. Just last month she told me “I think you’d be more ok without me than I’d be without you.” And for our marriage, that balance of neediness works. I think it’s an alpha male thing, not sure but it seems to work.

4. Do my own thing. I’m out at least once or twice a week doing martial arts, yoga, weights, cross-fit, trail running, hanging with buddies… you name it. Gives me perspective and gives my wife time to miss me. And I’m in kick ass shape compared to last year, and now instead of me worrying about my wife getting hit on I’m having to deal with having her be upset because other women check me out when we go out. I’m going on a weekend martial arts training camp… and my wife couldn’t say a word after going to Vegas last year. Another thing: I make sure I either do something fun with the kids when she goes out (she’ll have to decide if it’s more important to miss out on family fun or friend fun) or I have fun while she’s out. Even something stupid like a scotch and cigar in the back yard when the kids go to bed so I can kick back and listen to the complete lack of complaining about the cigar stink. Ahh…

5. Be a father to our children. Not just “quality” time but real time. Conversations, walks in the park, helping with homework, taking them to soccer, etc. all seemed to help big time. Not just with my wife, but with all of us. And I also found my “father voice,” the voice of discipline and reason in the family. My kids listen to me a lot more, not in fear, but they know they have to listen. Now my wife comes to me when the kids don’t listen to her, not the other way around.

6. Get some buddies. Guys need close guy friends to do guy stuff. Complain about their wives. Be stupid and macho. Whatever that means to you, it worked wonders for me.

7. Fight different. Walk away rather than blow up. Mean what you say and stand up to it. For example, if I threaten that if she keeps doing x that means I'll do y, then I bloody well do y if she does x. This had two effects: I thought about what I said more, and so did my wife. I think my wife has a need to be able to hold me at my word, even if that’s a bad thing. Not sure why. Using few words in a fight, slowly and quietly while looking her directly in the eye seems to also work. Once it’s said, don’t repeat it. It is what it is.

8. Act from a place of strength. I don’t think my wife wants a weakling. She may say that she’ll want me to be more intimate, vulnerable, etc… I think that’s actually BS. Or at least that she doesn’t mean weak or actually vulnerable. If you have flaws or weaknesses either accept it and move on or fix it. I don’t let my wife try to fix my flaws any more. If she brings something up and tries to fix it I’ll ask her to mind her own business (gently). Not a behaviour that impacts her, those I’ll always try to listen to her on. But I don't let her judge me or try to live up to her expectations any more. I define myself, I don't let her do that for me.

9. Be decisive. Again I think this is an alpha male thing. Make plans. I planned a few date nights, and didn’t ask what she wanted to do. Instead I planned stuff I thought might be fun for us, and asked if she was having a good time. She was, especially if it was stuff she didn’t normally like to do (one time we went to a tattoo expo – I have one small tattoo and she has none – but got us out of our element and we had a blast!) Now if she asks me “what do you want to do” I answer with what I want. Works in bed too – I just made sure she felt comfortable in saying “no.” Don’t bully, be decisive and adaptable.

10. Know what I want from life. This is hard in today’s world. I had to pull my head out of my ass and figure out that I don’t want to sit on the couch every night and watch TV. So now I don’t. At least not every night.

11. Do more macho stuff. Fix something around the house. Dig a big hole in the back yard and plant a tree. Fixing her car, for example, seemed to turn a light bulb on in my wife’s head that reminded me that I’m a man and not one of her girlfriends.

So that’s my list. Hope it helps some of the guys out there. Your mileage may vary, and my marriage may still fail, but I’m in a much better spot in the past year than I have been in a long, long time.

Thanks for everything!_


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## happyman64

H&A

Sometimes you have to roll the dice, give it all up no matter how badly you want to save it.

It takes two to fix a marriage, you cannot do it alone.

So my advice, file for D. Show her consequences.

Let her know that you want no part of her infidelity.

Then show her whsa her life will be like without you or the marriage.

Because if she is not remorseful and wants to reconcile you have nothing to work with.

Then your decision is easy.

No matter what happens in time you will be fine.

HM


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## turnera

helpandadvice said:


> I have exposed it to my parents, my brother and her parents. She has also told a few of her close friends, but not the whole truth. I could tell more friends and the rest of her family, but I have not wanted everyone to know just yet. Thinking about the kids and what if we reconciled.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well, no wonder you haven't got anywhere then. You have to make the affair SO HEINOUS, SO EMBARRASSING, SO DISGUSTING, that she is willing to throw it away just to stop the bad feelings. Right now, she has a medium bit of disapproval but she's working through it, waiting her parents out until they, as she expects, they just give up and accept her new man.

The whole point of exposure is to blast the affair out of the water. You did a baby exposure, out of fear of upsetting her, making her mad at you. And this is what you get.

Are you ready to take the real step, the full step? Gotta be better than this limbo you're in. Gotta be worth it to get your self respect back.


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## helpandadvice

You are right that I did a baby exposure. I did that because I did not know what was going on originally. I plan to file for D in 2 weeks per my lawyers instructions. She has got a job and will no longer be considered a stay at home mom. Then I will let everyone know and blast her with D at the same tim.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral

helpandadvice said:


> You are right that I did a baby exposure. I did that because I did not know what was going on originally. I plan to file for D in 2 weeks per my lawyers instructions. She has got a job and will no longer be considered a stay at home mom. Then I will let everyone know and blast her with D at the same tim.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You want to divorce? You're totally done?


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## helpandadvice

What?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## helpandadvice

Chaparral said:


> You want to divorce? You're totally done?


Who is this?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral

helpandadvice said:


> Who is this?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I was asking what your goals are. are you trying to break up the EA and keep your wife or are you ready to divorce. These are two different goals with different strategies, though I would expose and do the 180 in either case.

Here is a link to the 180. Its all about attitude. Your wife has to believe you are done and happy about it. Do not mistake the 180 for being anything but a gentleman.

The Healing Heart: The 180

Be cheerful, strong and take care of your kids. Read MMSLP linked to in my signature. You should have done that years ago.


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## helpandadvice

Chaparral said:


> You want to divorce? You're totally done?


You scared me because my wife has used Chaparral before as a username and your comment sounded like it was from her. LOL
Right now I am done and want a D. Doing this could wake her from this fog, and she might do a 180. I seriously doubt it because the way she is acting, but nothing surprises me anymore.

I truly do not want this and would try to work this out only if shows remorse, full disclosure and wakes up. She has not showed any of this and want a D. I have nothing to work with and have no choice.
T
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

That's what the exposure and 180 are for. I wouldn't give up so fast. Go ahead and expose, and show her you can have a great life without her (that gets her to notice you, wonder about you, and maybe even want you back).

You can divorce later, AFTER you try this.


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## happyman64

helpandadvice said:


> You scared me because my wife has used Chaparral before as a username and your comment sounded like it was from her. LOL
> Right now I am done and want a D. Doing this could wake her from this fog, and she might do a 180. I seriously doubt it because the way she is acting, but nothing surprises me anymore.
> 
> I truly do not want this and would try to work this out only if shows remorse, full disclosure and wakes up. She has not showed any of this and want a D. I have nothing to work with and have no choice.
> T
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Turnera is right and divorces take time.

If she is not respectful and shows no desire to Reconcile then give her what she wants.

The key is to show her the consequences of her choices quickly and harshly.

A life without you. Check.
A life without your paycheck. Check.
A life without her children 100% of the time. CHeck.

Because until you do that all you have on your hands is a selfish, lost, lying cheater on your hands.

When you realize this you will eventually come to the conclusion that you have very little to lose at this time.

HM64


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## helpandadvice

I just read the 180 and that is actually exactly what my counselor has told me to do. I have been doing it for about 2-3 weeks now and there has been no change. I have done pretty much everything except act as if I am happy and moving on all the time. I do a decent job of it most of the time, but get angy and she sees it.

I have not done a complete exposure to everyone as you see in my above posts, but have let my parents, my brother and her parents know. Should I let all of her family and several close friends know and tell them to all call her and not be understanding, but WTF.

I did just this morning tell her she needs to start her new job this week and I am no longer giving her any money. I will pay for medicine, food and anything for the kids, but it will come directly from me and will not just give her money to do it. She as you would expect was pissed and started to cry. She said I can't do that and half of our stuff is hers. I said the hell I can't. I said welcome to the real world.


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## helpandadvice

I plan to file for divorce a week or so after she starts her job and then wait to see what she does. I do not have to follow through with the divorce, but she needs to know I mean f??cking business. I am tired of being nice and understanding. She has taken complete advantage of me and nothing has changed at all. This has to change, because it is tearin me apart.

I can't image how I am going to manage over the next couple of weeks. I can't stand to look at her, talk to her or do anything with her. She makes me sick and I do not even respect her anymore.

Maybe I am just mad and venting, but writing all of this makes me feel better.


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## happyman64

helpandadvice said:


> I just read the 180 and that is actually exactly what my counselor has told me to do. I have been doing it for about 2-3 weeks now and there has been no change. I have done pretty much everything except act as if I am happy and moving on all the time. I do a decent job of it most of the time, but get angy and she sees it.
> 
> I have not done a complete exposure to everyone as you see in my above posts, but have let my parents, my brother and her parents know. Should I let all of her family and several close friends know and tell them to all call her and not be understanding, but WTF.
> 
> I did just this morning tell her she needs to start her new job this week and I am no longer giving her any money. I will pay for medicine, food and anything for the kids, but it will come directly from me and will not just give her money to do it. She as you would expect was pissed and started to cry. She said I can't do that and half of our stuff is hers. I said the hell I can't. I said welcome to the real world.


Good for you. And if your wife is not remorseful you can expose the affair to anyone you like.

The choice is yours.

IMO if my wife behaved like yours did I would send an email out to her family and friends and say something like this

"Dear Friends and Family, Mrs H&I and I are separating due to infidelity in our marriage. Please support her and our family through this challenging time in our marriage.

Respectfully,

Help&Advice"

You can decide what you want exposed and to whom. The choice is yours.

And if you still love your wife asking for family and friends to support her is about the greatest gift you can give her at this time.

Just remember, the choice is yours.

Take all the time in the world to think about your choices and decisions.

HM


----------



## turnera

helpandadvice said:


> I just read the 180 and that is actually exactly what my counselor has told me to do. I have been doing it for about 2-3 weeks now and there has been no change. I have done pretty much everything except act as if I am happy and moving on all the time.


helpandadvice, acting happy and moving on are the KEY ingredients of the 180. You're not doing a 180 without it. Start going out with your friends. Start exercising. Join a gym. Join a poker club. Do SOMETHING to show her what life is like as a single parent.

Good job on not giving her money, btw.

And yes, you DO need to tell her siblings, friends, pastor, anyone whose respect she craves. THAT is the only way she'll decide the affair/OM isn't worth it. She needs to understand her new honey isn't going to be allowed to come to Thanksgiving dinner. Burst her fantasy bubble.


----------



## helpandadvice

What I meant was not acting happy all the time at home, which is probably impossible for me right now. I have gone to baseball games, play tennis, went to the gym and other things. Maybe I have done a complete 180.


----------



## TDSC60

helpandadvice said:


> I plan to file for divorce a week or so after she starts her job and then wait to see what she does. I do not have to follow through with the divorce, but she needs to know I mean f??cking business. I am tired of being nice and understanding. She has taken complete advantage of me and nothing has changed at all. This has to change, because it is tearin me apart.
> 
> I can't image how I am going to manage over the next couple of weeks. I can't stand to look at her, talk to her or do anything with her. She makes me sick and I do not even respect her anymore.
> 
> Maybe I am just mad and venting, but writing all of this makes me feel better.


What is there to respect about her? She is a cheating, lying, selfish, self-centered person who has no respect for you or your children. It is all about her.

I have seen this happen time and time again with family and friends. I don't know why it happens. Logic can not be applied here. Don't dwell on how or why she can do this. This exact same thing happened to my brother. His Ex-wife eventually took it physical before the divorce. Do not be surprised if you find out that this has already happened. Accept that you may never know why she did this. 

You have tried your best to keep your marriage together but it does take two people who are both committed to that. You are alone in this at the moment and that will never work. Accept that your marriage is over and your STBXW killed it. Be the best father you can for your kids. Move on with your life.


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

helpandadvice said:


> I plan to file for divorce a week or so after she starts her job and then wait to see what she does. I do not have to follow through with the divorce, but she needs to know I mean f??cking business. I am tired of being nice and understanding. She has taken complete advantage of me and nothing has changed at all. This has to change, because it is tearin me apart.
> 
> I can't image how I am going to manage over the next couple of weeks. I can't stand to look at her, talk to her or do anything with her. She makes me sick and I do not even respect her anymore.
> 
> Maybe I am just mad and venting, but writing all of this makes me feel better.


Regardless of whether you want or R, or D, This is the best thing to do.

You are letting her know that you are done with the how she's treated you and you are ready to move on.

She may snap out of it and start wanting to try to R. If you do also, then fine - Put the D on hold.

If she continues to go the route that she's on, you've already got the D in motion and you can be free of her cheating ways that much sooner.

Try not to show any emotion when you're around her. No crying and no yelling. If you need to cry(I know I did), do it when you are alone, or with a close friend. If you start getting really p!ssed, just smile at her and walk away(This use to drive my xw crazy).

For the next few weeks, find things to busy your mind. Don't just sit there and think about what has happened. You can't change what she did/the past, don't waste the emotional energy on thinking about it. Spend ALL of your time and energy on your Daughters and yourself.

And don't be reluctant to vent your frustrations here if there's no one available there for you. Though your story and life is unique, many of us have and are going through what you are right now. You are not alone.


----------



## Want2babettrme

happyman64 said:


> Good for you. And if your wife is not remorseful you can expose the affair to anyone you like.
> 
> The choice is yours.
> 
> IMO if my wife behaved like yours did I would send an email out to her family and friends and say something like this
> 
> "Dear Friends and Family, Mrs H&I and I are separating due to infidelity in our marriage. Please support her and our family through this challenging time in our marriage.
> 
> Respectfully,
> 
> Help&Advice"
> 
> You can decide what you want exposed and to whom. The choice is yours.
> 
> And if you still love your wife asking for family and friends to support her is about the greatest gift you can give her at this time.
> 
> Just remember, the choice is yours.
> 
> Take all the time in the world to think about your choices and decisions.
> 
> HM




Mrs. H&I and I are separating due to *HER* infidelity


----------



## WTHiswrong

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral

helpandadvice said:


> What I meant was not acting happy all the time at home, which is probably impossible for me right now. I have gone to baseball games, play tennis, went to the gym and other things. Maybe I have done a complete 180.


Youre missing the point. Around your wife is exactly where you act happy cheerful and strong. Why is this always overlooked?


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## Chaparral

Btw, if she asks or talks to you about something besides the kids, smile pleasantly and tell her that would no longer be any concern of hers.

About her money situation, tell her you are no longer her provider, ask the OM for money. But do it cheerfully like its the most normal thing in the world.

You only talk about the relationship as long as she brings it up and plays nice. Other wise, hold up your hand and tell her you are not comfortable with where this is going.


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## tom67

Chaparral said:


> Btw, if she asks or talks to you about something besides the kids, smile pleasantly and tell her that would no longer be any concern of hers.
> 
> About her money situation, tell her you are no longer her provider, ask the OM for money. But do it cheerfully like its the most normal thing in the world.
> 
> You only talk about the relationship as long as she brings it up and plays nice. Other wise, hold up your hand and tell her you are not comfortable with where this is going.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## weightlifter

H&A has the contact stopped?

BTW on VARS and recording in the house and car. They are for YOUR INTEL ONLY. NEVER DIVULGE THEM! They are MASSIVELY powerful tools to keep you in the know and nothing more. Yes its frustrating not being able to use them otherwise but they are great for staying ahead of the game.

Oh and always back all evidence up offsite and two places.


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## workindad

OP do you have your wife spanking the kids on the var? If yes that may be helpful consult your attorney. 

Two pieces if advice based on the level if deception and complete lack of remorse. This may have been going on for longer than you think and a lack of proof otherwise just isn't good enough. 

Get checked for stds. Protect your health
Check the paternity of your kids. It is easy cheap painless and private. She dos not need to participate. Spend a few minutes on google. You will get Several results for paternity testing at home. 

Good luck
Wd
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## helpandadvice

I am mad right now and my brain is racing.

What if after the divorce this guy moves in with my wife and is around my kids a lot? I honestly think that would never happen because what single guy would want to move in with 3 little girls. Ido not know if I could take it. It would absolutely tear me apart. Anyone but that MF!
I am sure there are alot of people who read this have already gone through this. What are your experiences with this. No sure I am strong enough for that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

Have you exposed him?


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## Hope1964

helpandadvice said:


> I am mad right now and my brain is racing.
> 
> What if after the divorce this guy moves in with my wife and is around my kids a lot? I honestly think that would never happen because what single guy would want to move in with 3 little girls. Ido not know if I could take it. It would absolutely tear me apart. Anyone but that MF!
> I am sure there are alot of people who read this have already gone through this. What are your experiences with this. No sure I am strong enough for that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If he does - and that is a pretty big IF - then you will just have to accept it. Who she has around when she has the kids is something you can NOT control.


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## helpandadvice

I have not exposed him to his family. He is single and I guess it is time to call his parents and sister.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## helpandadvice

Any advice on what to tell them?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964

Short and to the point. Back it up with evidence or they're not going to believe you.

He DOES know she's married, right? You probably already said but I'm too lazy to go look.


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## Chaparral

Tell them the whole story. He may really be married. He may not know about you and the three kids.


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## LongWalk

Raising three children takes a lot of time and energy. If you tell his family that their beloved brother/son is about to get a whole bunch of kids to absorb his time and money (but which do not bear any of his DNA), they may shout "run away from her as fast as possible, you dumb wit!"

This may help to destroy the affair and bring your wife to earth. File for divorce and hand her the papers. They don't become a fact for some time, but the shock could curdle the cream that has her licking her lips.


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## workindad

It is past time to call his parents. You believe he is single why? Did your wife tell you? Make sure as she is not a reliable source of information.


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## helpandadvice

I am 100% sure he is not married. I found him on facebook and from someone else that knows him. Not sure if he has a girlfriend.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado

I'd call them, very calmly, to find out what kind of man he is. And I'd tell them that's the reason you want to know, given "he's likely to be around your kids". You are a concerned parent. This way exposing him as a homewreker is done a matter of fact.


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## helpandadvice

I know she is looking at different apartments and going to see a lawyer about her rights.

I tried to call and text the OM and still nothing from him. I told him I hope they have not had sex because both of us have herpes. Lol and not true. Maybe this will keep him away. Just the thought of getting a std would keep me away.

I also fried to expose him to his family, but I have wrong number. Need to do more research. I called the rest of her family and told them. I expect all hell to break lose tonight.

Stay tuned for more details ...

Wow. There was a litle humor from me and maybe a sign I am starting to finally move on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

Be prepared for all the typical BS:
I was GOING to choose you, but not after you've done this!
My family and friends think you're crazy!
We laugh about you and how pathetic you are.
I'm going to war now and I'll take you for everything you've got.

You know, the usual rants of a cornered animal.

Do NOT get into a discussion; state only that you're filing for divorce. Look at how badly js's situation has become because right after he exposed, he agreed to consider R with his WW.


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## helpandadvice

Who is js?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

js091213


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## helpandadvice

Here we go. Wife is at lawyers office right now and has been there for 2 hours and counting. A consultation is only for 1 hour and they must be putting the papers together.

I am ready for this and putting the marfiage past me. I am ready to finish this.

Lets go!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

You should be at your own lawyer's office then.


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## helpandadvice

She spent 2 hours at lawyers office and then went straight to the bank. I sure she found out that I have cleaned the accounts out. She has not said anything to me tonight about any of it.

I hate having to be secretive to protect myself from my own wife. This is bs and absolutely hat this.

I told my counselor I am at a point where I do not really care about anything except my kids. I could careless if I was fired tomorrow. My counselor said the is a sign of depression. I really need to start taking care of myself. I am down 20 lbs to 159 and need to be strong for the fight I am about to have. I am so tired emotionally, physically, mentally etc. I have no motivation to do anything.

I am sure other people have experienced this ... Need advice how to stay strong!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## helpandadvice

My fight for the kids. I have to fight for 100% custody. She can't afford them. She is making bad decisions. She will fall flat on her face and bring down the kids with her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64

H&A

I am glad you cleaned out the accounts.

You know what your goals are so stick to them.

1. Protect yourself.
2. Protect your girls.
3. Ensure a brighter future for you and your girls.
4. Get rid of the boat anchor.

So eat healthy. Find a way to relieve stress (no alcohol).

You will be in a better place in the near future.

I have 3 girls too and would do anything to protect them.

That means keeping your job and providing for them so if you are feeling depressed go see a DR. for help.

You are not alone!

HM64


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## Thor

5-HTP supplements. 50 mg mid afternoon, another late evening. Can double the dose if no improvement on a few days.

Get the book "Mood Cure".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

Take the kids for a walk every day.


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## carmen ohio

Dear helpandadvice,

It looks like your WW is getting the jump on you. That is a smart thing to do from her POV and indicates that she has the upper hand in your relationship (the one who is more willing and prepared to end the marriage is the one who is in really charge). You said she is an idiot. Actually, she is acting a lot smarter (and stronger) than you right now. You need to fix that, pronto.

You said almost two weeks ago that you were going to file for D. Why haven't you? While it may not be all that important in the end, you should be the one to file for D, not your WW. Have you at least hired an attorney? You need to start getting legal advice now as to what your rights and responsibilities are while the two of you are still married and what is your best course of action to improve the outcome with respect to child custody, child support, alimony and division of property.

You are now in a fight for yours and your children's future. Please do not sit on your hands while she determines the outcome. _Get moving._


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## turnera

You can always CANCEL the divorce (which will take at LEAST a few months, if not a year or two) if she gets her head out of her a$$. But she will NEVER want you if you continue to sit there and wait for her to notice you. Go file. Protect your family.


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## Baffled01

Sorry dude but you have made a serious error by not filing for divorce first as this forum as been urging. Having been through two divorces I can tell you that the one who files is in the drivers seat through the divorce process. Get in gear and get to the attorneys office.....now.


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## helpandadvice

I have not filed yet on the recomendation from my lawyer. I was told to wait until she starts work, which is on monday, to file because she is no longer a stay at home mother. I have also found out she is talking to a good lawyer. I have another appointment now on monday with the best family law attorney in Dallas.

Positioning myself to fight for my kids. Believe me, I am close to being ready. This is going to get ugly ... I just know it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## helpandadvice

Talked with the wife last night and played dumb. She told me who her lawyer is and she wants us to us her together. She is most likely not going to file yet. She thinks we will work something. Wow does she have a **** storm about to hit.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64

Do not clue her in. Just play dumb.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tdwal

helpandadvice said:


> Talked with the wife last night and played dumb. She told me who her lawyer is and she wants us to us her together. She is most likely not going to file yet. She thinks we will work something. Wow does she have a **** storm about to hit.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Maybe she wants you to go to her lawyer together because she can't pay for it.


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## Baffled01

helpandadvice said:


> I have not filed yet on the recomendation from my lawyer. I was told to wait until she starts work, which is on monday, to file because she is no longer a stay at home mother. I have also found out she is talking to a good lawyer. I have another appointment now on monday with the best family law attorney in Dallas.
> 
> Positioning myself to fight for my kids. Believe me, I am close to being ready. This is going to get ugly ... I just know it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ok that's good, but beware her lawyer may be telling her to hold off getting a job so she could collect higher child-support and alimony.


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## helpandadvice

I am filing for divorce today. Not something I am proud of nor do I want. I have no choice and can't continue living like this with someone who checked out of the marriage months ago. I have no choice.

It is a sad day in my life. Never thought my life would be like this. I am a little depressed , but will be ok.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Philat

TAM will help you through it. Good luck.


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## turnera

help, it WILL be ok. You'll see that there are people out there who want to treat you well.


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## ArmyofJuan

helpandadvice said:


> I am filing for divorce today. Not something I am proud of nor do I want. I have no choice and can't continue living like this with someone who checked out of the marriage months ago. I have no choice.
> 
> It is a sad day in my life. Never thought my life would be like this. I am a little depressed , but will be ok.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Remember filing doesn't mean you have to follow through, she is on the clock now so she has a little time to convince you to stop which is something I think all BS's need to do. A WS will spend forever in limbo if you let them.


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## karole

Sorry you are going through this Help. I admire the way you have handled yourself and have worked to protect your children. I pray for your strength in continuing this unfortunate journey.


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## Thorburn

Don't go see her attorney. I don't get why she would want you to do this. If this comes up again, ask her very politely why do you want me to come see your attorney? Then see what her responce is and act accordingly.

Believe me when I say this. Your wife is in a fog. She is not rational. Whether this is an exit A or not will be determined at some point down the road. Normally, these A's don't last pass the heat of exposure.

Expect at some point your wife to run back to you.

If not your plan so far is a good one to file for D. 

Do not answer her questions about your attorney. Don't feed her information.


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## karole

Thorburn said:


> Don't go see her attorney. I don't get why she would want you to do this. If this comes up again, ask her very politely* why do you want me to come see your attorney?* Then see what her responce is and act accordingly.
> 
> Believe me when I say this. Your wife is in a fog. She is not rational. Whether this is an exit A or not will be determined at some point down the road. Normally, these A's don't last pass the heat of exposure.
> 
> Expect at some point your wife to run back to you.
> 
> If not your plan so far is a good one to file for D.
> 
> Do not answer her questions about your attorney. Don't feed her information.


My guess is her attorney didn't tell her what she wanted to hear. The wife met with her lawyer thinking she would be told that she would get almost all their possessions, child support and alimony, etc. and her life style would not change significantly - except her husband would be out of the house. Her attorney most likely advised her to get a job and try to work out the settlement as amicably as possible between themselves.


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## helpandadvice

I filed for divorce yesterday and gave her the papers. As I expected, she kind of smiled and said ok ... Basically no reaction. We talked later after the kids went to bed and told her of my offer. I am trying to get most of the custody for obvious reasons, but mostly to provide a stable home. She will struggle to support herself, much less 3 kids. Her plan is to move all 4 of them in a 2 bedroom apartment. What a joke.

She obviously did not like my offer, but going to give her time to think about it. The alternative is go to court and will spend every dime we have. We will both be broke, but I will have a good job.

This just sucks so bad. I hate this. I have no choice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## happyman64

You have no choice. And her lack of reaction just shows you how far her head is up her @ss.


Stay calm, cool and dispassionate.

Focus on you and the kids.


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## harrybrown

You are in a tough situation. But with her response or lack or her response, you are doing the right thing.

Tell her again, to just leave the kids with you and she can go to the OM. Remind her that he is single and would not want the complication of your daughters. 

Someday she will realize that she made the biggest mistake of her life.


----------



## helpandadvice

What a mess!!!!!!!!!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk

You're the reality delivery man. AP will not rescue her

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## Vulcan2013

Sorry. One cold WW.


----------



## bandit.45

Your wife thinks she's smart. She's in for a rude awakening.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## helpandadvice

I filed for divorce last week and filed a basic vanilla petition in hopes of working something out. Her lawyer replies a couple days later with a 15 page response with all kinds of un true accusations. My lawyer has drafted a huge response to this and completely slams her. She will have to answer alot of questions she does not want to answer. My lawyer completely out classes hers and made me feel a lot better.

Did talk to her last night and she will now agree to a 60/40 custody in favor of me. Why would she do that? Is she feeling guilty for things I do know know about? Is she caving in? Does she not really even want the kids? Do the kids not fit into herfuture plans? Everyone knows that it is tough for men to get custody even though it is getting easier. She is just giving me most of the custody. She alo said that I could probably have them more than that, but anything less would make her look like a crappy mom. I hahave asked for a little more custody than this because of the crazy things she is doing. That is probably unrealistic, but just trying to do the best for the kids.

I think I may accept this as long as the other details work out and they should because we have already agreed on most things. This is just so crazy and sad. I guess it is what it is. I can't imagine being in the single world again. I remember how bad it sucked for the most part. I am not the wild a crazy guy usually and mostly a home body. It is hard for me to imagine being with someone else, but I am sure it will happen.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Acabado

helpandadvice said:


> Did talk to her last night and s*he will now agree to a 60/40 custody in favor of me*. Why would she do that? Is she feeling guilty for things I do know know about? Is she caving in? Does she not really even want the kids? Do the kids not fit into herfuture plans? Everyone knows that it is tough for men to get custody even though it is getting easier. She is just giving me most of the custody. *She alo said that I could probably have them more than that, but anything less would make her look like a crappy mom.* I hahave asked for a little more custody than this because of the crazy things she is doing. That is probably unrealistic, but just trying to do the best for the kids.


She's pathetic. What a shame.
I asume she plans to move away. She admits the custody issue is to safe face/reputation, not even in the best interest of her own flesh.
You should have it put black over white.


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

helpandadvice said:


> I filed for divorce last week and filed a basic vanilla petition in hopes of working something out. Her lawyer replies a couple days later with a 15 page response with all kinds of un true accusations. My lawyer has drafted a huge response to this and completely slams her. She will have to answer alot of questions she does not want to answer. My lawyer completely out classes hers and made me feel a lot better.
> 
> Did talk to her last night and she will now agree to a 60/40 custody in favor of me. Why would she do that? Is she feeling guilty for things I do know know about? Is she caving in? Does she not really even want the kids? Do the kids not fit into herfuture plans? Everyone knows that it is tough for men to get custody even though it is getting easier. She is just giving me most of the custody. She alo said that I could probably have them more than that, but anything less would make her look like a crappy mom. I hahave asked for a little more custody than this because of the crazy things she is doing. That is probably unrealistic, but just trying to do the best for the kids.
> 
> I think I may accept this as long as the other details work out and they should because we have already agreed on most things. This is just so crazy and sad. I guess it is what it is. I can't imagine being in the single world again. I remember how bad it sucked for the most part. I am not the wild a crazy guy usually and mostly a home body. It is hard for me to imagine being with someone else, but I am sure it will happen.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She wants to bang other guys and the kids are in the way. Push custody even harder. What is 60/40? Tell her she gets 2 weekends a month.


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## Vulcan2013

The facts will make her look like a crappy mom. Get the best deal you can. And get some restrictions on overnight "guests".


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## LongWalk

You're 37. And your wife? This destruction of your family... it seems like her reproductive system, including the non-rational parts of her brain, have gone into overdrive in the quest to have a last child or two before her ability to bear children is over. She lacked the integrity, ethics and self discipline to reign in her desire.

The consequences are unlikely to be good for her, for what guy wants to saddle himself with a woman with children who will resent him? To be sure there are men out there who will even contemplate becoming step fathers. However, your wife is a mess.

Hope she gets a handle on herself for the sake of your children. For now all you can do is detach and hope she comes to her senses so that she can be a decent co-parent.


----------



## helpandadvice

My soon to be ex wife is 31.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

I'd push for 100 custody. Your kids matter more than anything right now.


----------



## Dyokemm

OP,

Has there been any reaction at al from her family after you exposed the A and filed foe D?l


----------



## helpandadvice

Our families new the day I found out. Everyone is on my side and upset with my wife even her family. Since I filed for divorce, her family has starting to help her because they do not want to lose the kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## helpandadvice

I would like a lot of opinions on this, my wife last night sent me a text asking if I wanted to watch porn with her. I know this means she wants to have sex. Even though I filed for D, I still do not want this and still have feelings for her. I was feeling mad and depressed last night and just told her no. She said it would be just sex like I exactly said a couple weeks ago. She said ok and that she would just play by her self. Then this morning I left without saying by to her and she sent me text saying she hopes I have a good day.

What does this all mean? Is she getting out of this fog? Is she playing with me? Is she just horny? What is going on?

I also asked lots of questions about things I have found and she answered them all with god outcomes. I know cheaters lie, but I aI know her and really think she was telling me the truth. Did tell me daily texts, emails and calls were sent to this OM. She says they do not have a relationship and would not have talked with him being 1000 miles away if she wanted sex.

She has not said anything has changed with wanted out of marriage, but what does this mean? Nothing?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

Sounds like she's just used to using you.


----------



## happyman64

H&A

Why listen to her now?

She is just trying to confuse you like she is confused.

Judge her by her actions, not by her words.

HM


----------



## LongWalk

helpandadvice said:


> Our families new the day I found out. Everyone is on my side and upset with my wife even her family. Since I filed for divorce, her family has starting to help her because they do not want to lose the kids.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You are not going to cut the kids off from their grandparents or aunts, uncles and cousins. Tell them that now. Tell them that you are worried about your wife's stability as a parent but not about the family.

The stronger you are now, the more your wife is going to look to you for stability because she is mixed up. This exchange of sex as a soft way back into reconciliation is an instinctual approach.... it must have worked millions of times in prehistory. Mate instead of fight. Problem solved.

(Un)fortunately, we have memories and principles, so you don't want sex if your wife is going to then cancel her obligation to start thinking straight.

To that kind of offer you respond that she needs to write time line of her infidelity and share her inner feelings. If she in honest and genuinely sorry, you have something to talk about. Just having sex won't solve your problems.


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## happyman64

:iagree:

LW is right.

Sometimes have an open honest dialogue with your inlaws can work in your favor.

They might even help you with respect to the kids.

HM


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## ArmyofJuan

helpandadvice said:


> What does this all mean? Is she getting out of this fog? Is she playing with me? Is she just horny? What is going on?


Many women use sex to control men, sounds like she may be one of them.

Your response to her was the correct one, it shows her that you have will power and you don't need her. I'm betting this is making her worried that she doesn't have you under her finger. She needs to be afraid of you emotionally detaching from her and that she has no power over you. 

Cheaters cheat when they believe they can get away with it or _think _they can handle the consequences. Keep giving her the cold shoulder and make her earn her way back. They will only do the bare minimum of what they need so don't make things easy for her.

It will be some time before she is out of the fog and its a slow process.


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## Baffled01

helpandadvice said:


> I would like a lot of opinions on this, my wife last night sent me a text asking if I wanted to watch porn with her. I know this means she wants to have sex. Even though I filed for D, I still do not want this and still have feelings for her. I was feeling mad and depressed last night and just told her no. She said it would be just sex like I exactly said a couple weeks ago. She said ok and that she would just play by her self. Then this morning I left without saying by to her and she sent me text saying she hopes I have a good day.
> 
> What does this all mean? Is she getting out of this fog? Is she playing with me? Is she just horny? What is going on?
> 
> I also asked lots of questions about things I have found and she answered them all with god outcomes. I know cheaters lie, but I aI know her and really think she was telling me the truth. Did tell me daily texts, emails and calls were sent to this OM. She says they do not have a relationship and would not have talked with him being 1000 miles away if she wanted sex.
> 
> She has not said anything has changed with wanted out of marriage, but what does this mean? Nothing?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Your wife may just be horny. If I were you I might just take her up on her offer. You might experience some of that Hysterical Bonding they talk about. Just be aware you might be the backup plan because Mr.OM is not around, and don't let her use sex as leverage to get stuff from you.


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## helpandadvice

Probably not a good idea, but sent her a text and said I will not ask for sex anymore. If she wants to then she can ask me and I will decide. I have feelings and needs also. I can use her right back, but will probably confuse me. Damn it.

Nothing has changed and we are still proceeding with the divorce. Like the above comment, maybe I should have as much sex as possible to maybe start R as a one last effort. I have also read that being intimate helps R because it makes your relationship different from all others. That is if you are the only one she is having sex with.

Do not think she is trying to control me, because she is giving me more in the divorce. If she was trying to get me to agree to something less that would be a different story.

Not going to lie, me sleeping with someone else has crossed my mind, but I would never do it. Maybe sleeping with my wife will give us one last chance and also get me to the end. Probably cause more problems in my head than solve. My counselor has said do whatever I think is best. There is no wrong or right answer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk

Read GutPunch's thread. He had sex with his wife and had a set back. I guess that he would advise that having sex is OK, but make it for your pleasure. Is she O's or not is unimportant. When you are done give, no needy cuddling, cooing and kissing. She doesn't deserve it. If she puts her head on your shoulder, you don't have to kick her off. But you just accept that she wants to be close.

Don't send her texts or talk about your relationship. Just act.


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## TheFlood117

In some states, doesn't' having sex with WW or STBXW during divorce , isn't it considered forgiveness and voids 'at fault' or neglect or whatever? 

I thought it did in some places.

You need to check this OP with your attorney. 

If not. 

Then, I say bang her out a little. 

Then detach and move on. And go get some on the side. 


Then.....


Watch the fireworks and the show from your STBXW. 

She will be begging for it. 

And then....... 

You can say no. And crush her. 

And go for more custody. 60/40. nah, go for 80/20. 

Do it. 

Good luck. Best wishes. Sorry this happened. But your on the right path. Just stay the course.


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## BWBill

Given your wife's state of mind you should plan on regular STD tests if you decide to resume having sex.


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## GutPunch

LongWalk said:


> Read GutPunch's thread. He had sex with his wife and had a set back. I guess that he would advise that having sex is OK, but make it for your pleasure. Is she O's or not is unimportant. When you are done give, no needy cuddling, cooing and kissing. She doesn't deserve it. If she puts her head on your shoulder, you don't have to kick her off. But you just accept that she wants to be close.
> 
> Don't send her texts or talk about your relationship. Just act.


GP....says don't do it.

You need to establish in her eyes that you do not need her. 

She will value you more if you turn her down. 

She is having an affair for God's sake, of course you don't want sex with her.

Next time tell her thanks but no thanks.


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## helpandadvice

GutPunch said:


> GP....says don't do it.
> 
> You need to establish in her eyes that you do not need her.
> 
> She will value you more if you turn her down.
> 
> She is having an affair for God's sake, of course you don't want sex with her.
> 
> Next time tell her thanks but no thanks.


GP ... Can you give a summary of your story because your thread is too long. What happened? Where are you now? Try to reco.cile?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## helpandadvice

I did tell her no thanks last night and do not know what I will say next time. Our relationship so so screwed up right now. What z mess, but I am feeling much better and getting focused on my next steps.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

"Why would I have sex with a woman who disrespected me?"


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## Thorburn

helpandadvice said:


> Our families new the day I found out. Everyone is on my side and upset with my wife even her family. Since I filed for divorce, her family has starting to help her because they do not want to lose the kids.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


None of us are in your shoes but you are going back and forth.

1. I understand the sex thing as far as your needs. I would not want it from her. It would be too confusing.

2. If you have a good relationship with your in-laws then talk to someone in her family if you can about the kids. If they feel they are going to lose them and this is an issue then talk to them.


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## GutPunch

helpandadvice said:


> GP ... Can you give a summary of your story because your thread is too long. What happened? Where are you now? Try to reco.cile?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


LOL...Same story as everyone else here on TAM except my wife was also a drug addict. You know password on phone, texting all the time yada yada yada. Did my spelunking and discovered OM. 

Kicked her out, met a Lawyer and started the divorce the next day, and turned my focus onto my kids trying to minimalize their pain by keeping everything as close to normal as I could. 

Maintained the 180 for months refusing to talk about anything but the kids. Wife got arrested and called for my help. I drove her to rehab the next day. She called every night for three months while in rehab and I lowered my guard. 

Now she's back in my house eating my food and playing with my kids. 

I learned a lot from the people here on TAM. You can too. The advice you are getting here is good. It is your job to listen.


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## helpandadvice

I love TAM and not sure how I could have made it this far without it. I would know absolutely nothing about what is really going on and probably be a complete mess.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk

GP won his wife playing pool in bar... Read his thread for inspiration.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## helpandadvice

Well it has been awhile since I have wrote on her, but this is the latest.

I filed and we have a signed agreement. S am paying her $300 child support only because I make a lot more than her. I have all exclusive rights to the kids and make all decisions. she gets every other weekend and all Thursdays for custody. That is so sad because is what guys usually get. The only thing we fight about is money and she gives me all custody of kids with no fight.

She is scheduled to move out in one week for an apartment, but went out with her friends last night and did not come home. This is the second time she has not come home. She lied this time who she was with and eventually told me it was another girl friend. I guess she thought it was easier to tell the lie. Whatever and it does not matter anymore, but it is hard to just let her go. I kicked her out of the house this morning and she is no longer here ... Just me and my girls.

I did find an email she sent to OM just a couple days ago and it was about him coming to Dallas to visit. She talks about having all this sex they have been talking about. She tells him that he does not have feelings as strong as she does for him. She thinks he is just using her for sex. What are they going to do once he leaves for NY.

I have not showed her this email I found but have asked her several times if they plan to hookup or do anything. She says very sternly they are done and does not even talk to him anymore. She is such a liar. I have not showed her the email I found becUse trying to keep some peace until D is finalized. I hate this still.

So much has happened and do not even remember everything.

I am so much better now than when I was writing before, but it still hurts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## terrence4159

stop asking and stop caring about what she is doing. focus on YOU and YOUR KIDS. that is the only 2 things you should be caring about. let her go man. it is going to be a roller coaster ride i know ive been there (my x cheated, lead me on then i D her and she remarried before ink dried) 9 years later im super happy with our son on week days her only weekends. she is miserable and poor and controled by her husband and me happily married.


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## happyman64

H&A

The key is you know who she really is. A cheater and a liar.

Focus on you and the kids.

That is all that matters.

You are doing great. Soon you will feel that way......

HM


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## LongWalk

You are going to be primary physical custodian? Wow! She is really lost. Instinct tells her that a man like you but better will give her everything, including getting her children back, if she gives her heart and vagina to him 100%. 

She is smart enough to know this ain't so. She so lacks confidence in her sex appeal that she is pushing her own children aside. Happiness does not play hide and seek with those who knowingly misalign themselves against fate. She couples with the expectation of being cast off by him once he has had his fill. 

She has cheapened her herself by leaving her children. There are great novels about such women.

Your eyes and words will take on a special . . .meaning for her now. Give her no comfort. Say nothing to hurt her. Do not enquire about her doings, for her words are lies. By not asking anymore she will understand that you have self respect.

Your wife is not a drug addict, alcoholic or mentally ill but rather weak. Given the sacrifice she is making, she will certainly date frenetically for a period of time. Men will whisper sweet nothings to find out what she looks like naked. They may be into her if the sex is hot. Does she orgasm easily?

But why would they want a woman who dumps her own DNA? What would she do with their DNA?

Six months from now most likely she will single and tired or married to a jerk. Good chance of her picking up HPV/herpes.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## turnera

Make sure you get that divorce finalized with you getting legal custody ASAP! If she gets dumped soon - and she will - she may decide she needs the kids back.


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## helpandadvice

We already have a signed proposal giving her standard possession. I got pissed off one night/drunk and told her I am done and she can have 100% custody of the kids. I did this because I know she does not want the kids. My bluff worked and she is signing a revised irrivocable proposal today that gives mee all rights, less child support, serc.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## helpandadvice

She has lately been obssessed with sex. We still do it occasionally and she does not orgasm easily. Most of the time she can't orgasm, but does several times when it happens. Probably 1 out of 3 times. Not sure if this is easily or
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy

A couple of thing I see here. One I think she has an image of OM when you on top of her, and two she can't wait to have the real thing when Om comes to town.

You sound so wishy wash but yet you know damn well she doesn't want her own kids and continues to lie, and goes out to get some strang.

I'm sure she would be going out to get more strang but I have a feeling the walk of shame the next morning is very uncomfortable for her.....you make it easier....having sex with you is a lot easier and more comfortable/safer then picking up strange.

Picking up strang is like hitch hiking...you never know who you get.

Any way stop being wishy wash and stop phucking your wife, it seems to mess with your head.

Lets face it, her real agenda is score the OM in NY. You and the rest of the guys in town are just stand ins until OM comes into town.


See you have to under stand that until the OM is completely out of the picture the marriage is doomed, so all the sex with your STBXW will not bring you any closer to R when OM is still being contacted.

I mean its one thing to have sex and reconnect with your spouse but when your spouse is still connected to someone else ...then you are still just a stand in!

A Plan B sexual gratifier...I just made that up.


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## turnera

Why would you even consider doing it with her? Each time you do, that's one more hit to your self esteem.

Or it SHOULD be.


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## LongWalk

Her brains are scrambled. D ASAP. 

You cannot be strange. Let her hitch hike

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## helpandadvice

The divorce is pretty much done and all i have to do is go see judge.

Last night was a huge fight and wife confessed to recent cheating within a couple weeks with another different man. I cant believe it. Wow. I really thought she would wait until it was finalized in order to not make this ugly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## helpandadvice

She met him at a bar and hooked up couple days later. I talked to him and she lied and told him she was divorced. My wife is a pos. I sent a text to all of the different OM and to her family about the recent cheat and other cheats. Both of them no about each other. She was mad that I sent the text out. I felt great. I was starting to se a light at the end of this tunnel, but last night just sucked me back in. I hate her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## harrybrown

For yourself, do the 180. 

Do not contact her or engage her in any way. Be extremely cold and indifferent to her.

How would she feel if you had the affair? Get the divorce final.

Another OM? What? did she ask you for an open marriage? or just one sided for her? 

Stay away from the open marriage joke above. Did you ask her if she used protection and if not, does she have stds? 

Has she been tested for stds?


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## manticore

you have done the best for you man, is good that you were not delusional and saw your wife for what she was, a heartless woman more interested in hooking with different men than her own children.

Now that you have exposed her, and you have a good arregment in the divorce, is time to think in yourself and forget her.

follow 180, detach from her, go to the gym, jog, find a hobby, you don't need to keep torturing yourself being involved in her business, is better to focus in your own hapiness, there are alot of lovely women out there.


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## LongWalk

She sucked you in again. Having sex?

Well, you are still divorcing her.

Did she ever explain how she has gotten so horny?


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## Chaparral

LongWalk said:


> She sucked you in again. Having sex?
> 
> Well, you are still divorcing her.
> 
> Did she ever explain how she has gotten so horny?


Maybe you don't have to be horney, just needy to be the town bicycle. Everybody wants a ride but nobody wants to keep it at home.


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## LostViking

The town pump is what she wants to be. 

It simply amazes me how little self respect some people have for themselves. This woman is as lost and broken as one can be. I can't believe OP is having sex with this woman! I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot stainless steel pole wearing a HAZMAT suit.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Headspin

One realization in this situation is that at some point we all realize this person is not and never has been who we thought they were

You've just hit that point and as difficult as things may seem after you understand and accept this you will deal with things better


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## helpandadvice

I am not sure why she is so horny now.

I was getting so close to getting through this and everything started to seem better. I just could not let it just go and kept looking for answers. Up until the other day, I had no proof of a PA, but no more. Not only did she confess to sex with someone else, but there is another OM. What the hell.

I have been sucked right back in and hurt soooo bad again. I have never hated my ****ty, screwed up fed upex wife. The kids are the only thing stopping me from getting really pissed. I send her cussing text several times a day. I want to find a way to just totally forget about her. I hate her so much. She will rot in hell.

She moved into her apartment last friday and this is her weekend. What do you know, she is sick and does not think it is a good idea for them to be around her. I called her out on it and said she would come get my oldest sunday morning. I told her come get them on saturday or not at all. She did not come get them. Does anyone actually think she was sick? Was it just a coincidence that it was party saturday nigh or sex saturdays? Hahahahahahahaha

What a complete pos!!!!! I can't believe I never saw any signs of this behavior. She was never like this.

In case you forgot .... I hate my ****ty ex. She has hurt so many people even her own family. She has no one except these MF that she is sleping with.

AAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## helpandadvice

I hurt sooo bad!! Not sure of anything. Just one day at a time.

I have no idea where I would be without my counselor. I have seen her every week for 4 months and probably half that time was twice a week. I have had to call emergency sessions the last couple weeks and have another one on monday. I sound like a crazy person and honestly probably am right now. I feel so scared? I feel so pissed? I feel so angry? I feel so sick and disgused! There you go dr Tina ... i fell statements. Hahahahahah
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64

Of course your hurt. Of course you are disgusted.

You have every right to feel this way.

But you have to hold it together.

For yourself and your kids.

HM


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## Chaparral

Ask your counselor if she is trained in ptsd counseling. You need it badly. There are medications and techniques to help.ptsd.


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## turnera

helpandadvice said:


> I am not sure why she is so horny now.
> 
> I was getting so close to getting through this and everything started to seem better.
> 
> I have been sucked right back in and hurt soooo bad again.
> 
> I have never hated my ****ty, screwed up fed upex wife. Does anyone actually think she was sick? Was it just a coincidence that it was party saturday nigh or sex saturdays?


You DO see the manipulation here, right?


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## helpandadvice

I fell as if there is a hole in my heart. It hurts and I just want to be don with her. How do you guys stop this or does it just go away with time? I never had those flash backs or whatever TAM calls it until now. I will be doing fine and then pow ... Makes me so mad. I picture how it all went down? What did they do? Where ... In my house? It drives me crazy?

I have made a profile on a dating website. I know I am not ready, but want some one to have fun with. No one would want this mess of a person I am right now. I need to just slow down. What am I doing? Maybe if I have sex with someone it will help me forget or move on. Probably not ... Need to just take time for me to heal and be here for my kids.

Any thoughts out there? Looking for advice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## helpandadvice

I have a constant headache. Feels like a stress head ache. Anyone else experience this?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk

Don't drink


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## Clay2013

helpandadvice said:


> I have a constant headache. Feels like a stress head ache. Anyone else experience this?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yep,
For the first six months after my divorce. 
Then she finally stopped writing me letters of how horrible I was. 

5.5 years Headache free. 

Go date and have fun. That will help a lot.

Clay


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## harrybrown

So when she was so sick and could not get the kids, did you ask her if she had been tested for stds?


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## helpandadvice

It is hard for me drink because my stomach is in knots.

I did ask about stds and she said no she does not have anything. I feel like getting tested anyways.

My gut has always been right through this mess and I feel there is a lot more to this story. For me I know enough now and it does not matter. I am cleaning house and getting the dirty b out of my life.

Funny story, my wife reached out to a friend looking for my ex gf phone number. She did a number on me also and cannot stand her either. Not sure what she wanted to talk to her about, but my ex is now trying to find info about me. She even sent my mom an email asking how I was doing. What the heck ... I am a magnent for crazies. I am talking to my counselor about why I am attracted to these crazy people and do not make this mistake again. WTF
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OnTheRocks

Get some strange. It will help your state of mind immensely.


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## turnera

It will go away with time, the pain, or at least it will dull. Best advice I know is (1) start exercising - a lot; (2) sign up for a class or a hobby club, something you've always wanted to learn; (3) change your routine so you're experiencing new things; these new memories will start crowding out the old ones.


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## happyman64

H&A

Take care of yourself.

You need to eat right, drink healthy fluids and exercise.

You also need to keep your crazy Ex out of your life.

Then the headaches will go away.

HM


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## Dyokemm

"Funny story, my wife reached out to a friend looking for my ex gf phone number. She did a number on me also and cannot stand her either. Not sure what she wanted to talk to her about, but my ex is now trying to find info about me. She even sent my mom an email asking how I was doing. What the heck"

Yell your SEBXW in no uncertain terms to stay the F out of your life and knock off whatever she is doing.

Tell her a lying, cheating, useless woman such as herself has lost all rights and privileges to know anything about your life, past, present , or future.


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## LostViking

OP I know you are in intense pain and hurt. It must be unbearable to see someone you love giving herself away like this. But you need to step back and take a long objective look at this thing your wife has allowed herself to become. 

Right now she is in a self induced semi-psychosis. She knows what she is doing is wrong and destructive, but she has hit a momentum where she literally cannot stop herself. No one can stop her. Sometimes you have to let people like this run their course, lose everything, and hit rock bottom before they ever wake up and stop their destructive behavior. 

Your needs, your children's needs are not her priority. She could care less. 

So what do you do? Document. Document everything: dates, times, things she has said, lies you have caught her in. Keep a running log every day of her bad behavior. When the time comes, give this information to your lawyer and use her bad behavior to show a judge that the kids belong with you. 

You have to gird your loins and get mean with her. Pull out all the stops and make sure you have retained a shark lawyer with no soul. 

Quit sitting there being the victim. Establish your boundaries with her and STICK TO THEM. No more sex with her! 

Plumb mad dog mean...... - YouTube


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## Catfish1986

OP,

You are doing everything correctly. Your wife is reaching out to your Mom and Ex GF because you have her off balance. She believed that she had you under control. Your recent actions and the speed and pace have her reacting not leading. You are Leading! Great! 

Your wife is trying to gather intel on you. This is a version of you that she has not seen and did not know existed. She will probably change her approach and strategy with you very quickly. The old one hasn't worked! Be careful and watch out. Something big is about to happen!


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## helpandadvice

Catfish1986 said:


> OP,
> 
> You are doing everything correctly. Your wife is reaching out to your Mom and Ex GF because you have her off balance. She believed that she had you under control. Your recent actions and the speed and pace have her reacting not leading. You are Leading! Great
> 
> Your wife is trying to gather intel on you. This is a version of you that she has not seen and did not know existed. She will probably change her approach and strategy with you very quickly. The old one hasn't worked! Be careful and watch out. Something big is about to happen!



My STBXW and my ex are both trying to gather intel on me. WTF
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

helpandadvice said:


> My STBXW and my ex are both trying to gather intel on me. WTF
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Run with it. Throw in some disinformation and see what happens.


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## Chaparral

helpandadvice said:


> My STBXW and my ex are both trying to gather intel on me. WTF
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


issed:start spreading romours.........new girl friend, nice raise, vacations, won the lottery etc.:rofl:


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## LostViking

You pick some real winners to have relationships with. Ex GF who cheated and now your WW? You need to look into that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## helpandadvice

I have not been on here in awhile and wanted to give an update.

My divorce was final December 19, 2013 on my youngest daughters 2nd birthday. I told my f-ing ex now she has 2 things to celebrate. I have most custody and she gets standard possession which is every Thursday and every other weekend. I know courts rule more for 50/50, but it is more like 70/30 in my favor. She gets what guys used to typically get. I have to pay for basically everything, but I only pay her $300/month and would have been $2300 if she had sole custody. I feel this is a major win for me. I did not have to fight her for this and she gave it to. In her words and I quote "she just wants out".

I made the affair a living hell and told him I knew and was going to tell his father, mother and sister. He has never talked to me and I heard through the grape vine he was scared I was going to do something. I AM A STRONG ADVOCATE FOR EXPOSING THE FAIR BECAUSE IT RUINED MY EXES AFFAIR. HE EVEN CANCELLED HIS TRIP TO DALLAS FROM NEW YORK BECAUSE I AM A LUNATIC AND DOES NOT WANT TO BE CONFRONTED BY ME. This is a small victory and do not know if it just delayed the unevitable. I do not care and really moving on now.

So much has happened and I even had a meeting alone with her parents and showed all the proof. I knew she was lying to them about everything and I told them the truth. Pulled out pictures, printouts, etc. and really opened their eyes.

I am now thinking about starting a new thread in the after divorce section. I am so much better than before, but having a real difficult time with moving on. I still feel like I am married and want to be intimate with someone badly. I think about picking someone up all the time. I have went out to bars, but I have been out of the game so long and it is miserable. I can't even image actually picking someone up. I am not even close to being ready for someone else. I think I need time to be by myself and have time to heal, but I am a man that has needs like the rest of us.

Any thoughts out there about moving on after a divorce. I am having a tough time.


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## turnera

I've always read don't start dating for one month for every year you've been married.


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## happyman64

:iagree:

H&A

Slow down. The divorce is still fresh.

Put the focus on you and the kids right now.

Take the time to heal. 

There will be plenty of time for dating.

HM


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## cool12

no advice really, just wanted to let you know i'm happy for you that your marriage to her is over. i'm certain your future is brighter without her.
be a great daddy to your kids and you'll be fine.


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