# Accepting someone else's life goals.



## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

I have often had this debate with my wife relating to our life goals.

We have similar interests and goals in life but when it comes down to how we each built ourselves into who we are today the views are very different. 

She disagrees with my life goals of what I did to become whom I am today which is a person who does not have to work 50 - 60 hours a week just to survive. 
Sure I could, and have in the past when I felt it warranted it, but the way I largely have approached my life is with planning and patience which unfortunately to some people seems to be seen as lazy because unlike them I don't spend/waste my time effort and life spinning my wheels going nowhere fast. 

My wife on the other hand is the type who prefers to run wide open with little immediate concern for possible future problems due to poor or improper/unrealistic planning. 

My point is when things get tough I get up and get going to fix them but otherwise I am for the most part pleased with who I am where I am and see my slow but continual advances and gains in life, mostly done on a pay as I go approach, as a good and satisfactory thing.

How do I relate this to a busy body that my way is not necessarily wrong. Just not their way? 

BTW. Personally I rather enjoy sitting back and watching the busy bodies run themselves into the ground day after day only to come out no further ahead than I did by taking the slow and steady planned out route.


----------



## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Are you saying that the journey isn't important but the destination is? 

Some people like being busy and involved because it keeps them interested and they meet new people. They may end up in the same eventual destination as a couch potato but they will have many more friends and experiences along the way. 

Of course there is such a thing as too busy. If you have no time to enjoy life because you're always running here and there and being 'productive' then that's too much. 

If you are talking about concrete goals like owning your own home or being debt free by age whatever then I think that planning is the way to go. That stuff doesn't just 'happen' by itself. 

I guess the danger is that if your overall goal is to always hang out and never be busy or stressed, then you would probably entail ditching your ambitions and that would be boring and unattractive to many people.


----------



## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

What I am saying is I worked my butt of early in my life and thanks to luck and planing I am at the point where I don't feel that I have to continue running my butt off if I don't feel it is absolutely necessary. 

Our house Vehicles and all my major debts were paid before we ever got married. 
We are working towards building a new house but I would prefer the pay and build as we go method over the spend a pile go into heavy debt and start working our butts off again method. 

I just find it a bit insulting that so many people view anyone who has any goal strategy in their life that does not involve burning their candle at both ends to get to it as being a lazy couch potato or worse.


----------



## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

Some people like to be busy. If your wife likes doing whats she's doing I see nothing wrong with it nor do I see anything wrong with what your doing either as long as the money is there to support what you do or don't do. Each to their own.


----------



## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

married tech said:


> I just find it a bit insulting that so many people view anyone who has any goal strategy in their life that does not involve burning their candle at both ends to get to it as being a lazy couch potato or worse.


I agree with you 100%. I don't understand this need to be busy all the time, especially when you don't have to be. You had everything paid for before you married. All I can say is WOW! Why would you not want to take a more laid back approach?

I'm 45, and I don't recall this busy mentality among the average person when I was growing up, at least not by choice. I always thought people worked because they had to, but if people could, they would enjoy a more stress free, laid back life, but that doesn't seem to be the case anymore.

I hear phrases today that I didn't used to hear. I hate to hear someone say they are bored just because they aren't running wide-open with some activity all the time.

Like I said, I'm with you. These days, if you have your financial situation in good shape, people still think you have to be on the go all the time. I could go on and on. This is one thing that riles me a bit.


----------



## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

> I don't think a person like that could understand. I think I would go out and make sure she thinks I'm busy doing something productive. Then, make sure she has all the amenities she believes she deserves.


In a way that is sort of the issue. She sees it as that being at one time I worked my butt off to get ahead I should still be doing it now to go even further. 

The thing is I reached the point in my life where I don't have to build my resources like I had to in the past. I don't have a super nice house or fancy new vehicles but I do have the literal skill sets, tools and machinery now to be able to build a house from scratch largely by my own doing. 



> I know people who are always so very very busy...doing nothing! They work like mad and achieve very little, but expect credit for having been so 'busy' rather than for having achieved.


Those people drive me nuts. I think I am married to one now too.  

Yea I don't judge my self worth by what time I got up this morning and what time I went to bed and how many hours I stayed busy between them. What I do judge myself on is what did I do today that either made me X amount of money or saved me X amount of money or got me ahead or improved some aspect of my life. 

Today I got up at 9 am and processed and loaded around three tons on scrap iron all by hand over a 4 hour time period. Total value is I cleaned up part of the scrap pile plus I should get around $300 for it when I take it to town tomorrow. 

Granted it's not big money but still its more than I made at any normal job plus I spent the better part of my day outside away from everyone else and got some serious full body exercise while I was out there. 

But yea I 'm a lazy ass being I got up at 9 am only worked about 5 hours at best and am now probably going to be in bed and sound asleep by 9 pm tonight.


----------



## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

radkejuzhuju said:


> They may end up in the same eventual destination as a couch potato but they will have many more friends and experiences along the way.


And a lot of those experiences will be payed for with stress and not stopping to smell the roses. If a person enjoys sitting under the shade tree on a warm summer's night as opposed to being on the go, he's not missing anything.


----------



## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

married tech said:


> In a way that is sort of the issue. She sees it as that being at one time I worked my butt off to get head I should still be doing it now to go even further.
> 
> The thing is I reached the point in my life where I don't have to build my resources like I had to in the past. I don't have a super nice house or fancy new vehicles but I do have the literal skill sets, tools and machinery now to be able to build a house from scratch largely by my own doing.
> 
> ...


That works out to $60/hr, not bad. Chuck Norris could have round house kicked all that scrap to the scrapyard in just a few minutes though.


----------



## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

> That works out to $60/hr, not bad


Yea but I only worked for 5 hours so you know that makes me a lazy ass.  

Looking back the actual loading was more like around 3 hours. I spent about 2 redesigning and repairing the side rails on the flatbed trailer first. 

The down or up side, depending on how you want to look at it, is I have around 15 - 20 more tons to process and haul out and darn it after today's 3 tons I feel old now.


----------



## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

I wish threads like this would go on and on; they could be a real learning experience. It seems like most people I know have the "need to be busy" syndrome regardless of their situation. I wish they could chime in and shed some light on why for us folks who don't feel the need.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I see nothing wrong with your path. The issue I have with people like your wife is that often when things f&ck up because they didn't plan they look to someone else to help fix it. If your wife fixes things herself then power to her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Me and my husband are both like *Southbound* and *Married Tech*, I can attest the compatibility factor in this has kept us from any arguments or disagreements over the course of our marriage.... always felt in the same page in our goals & how to get there.. 

We worked hard in our early years... saved every penny, while others were Partying & complaining they were always broke.. He would JUMP at every "over time" available..he would come home & I'd be off with a kiss - all in the pursuit for our dreams.....We did all our own House repairs, worked on our own vehicles, changing transmissions, building chimneys....all with the intention to put down a Whopping down payment on a country home...and live out our years together...

6 yrs into our Marriage we bought that house...then we cut our mortgage from 14 yrs down to 7 paying it off....all before we had our last son. 

We both despise debt ...we'd have to be starving to take out a loan of any sort.. 

Now in Mid life...we are more Lax, taking it easy, enjoying each other....we even hire contractors & Mechanics now.... we don't have all of the best stuff.. but our kids are happy, we vacation every year...Life is good. 

That was all part of the Planning... and we are a lower income family ...no 3 figures here.



> *married tech said:* *I don't have a super nice house or fancy new vehicles but I do have the literal skill sets, tools and machinery now to be able to build a house from scratch largely by my own doing*.


This sounds a lot like my husband...he is always buying Craftsman tools...in pursuit of "the collection"....feeling you never know when you need a TOOL, good to have on hand..... he can construct and build anything ...half the stuff he will never use... our friends come to our house to work on their cars...cause he is the TOOL MAN.. our house is an old Farm house, our cars are older... We could pay cash and buy something brand spanking new but we never would, we'd consider it a colossal waste of money.



> *MissFroggie said*: *The first is very busy multitasking and doing lots of things, most of which are things they love doing the rest of it are the normal bits and pieces that just have to get done. These people are just energetic people, motivated and enjoying life. They tend to be over-achievers or the kinds of people who find it easy to adapt to new things and fit in unplanned or extra things. If you want to meet for a coffee they'll find a way to fit it in without you feeling like you're taking up their time.*


That was a great break down!

I think when we're not overloaded in busyness , it is easier to fit things in , be spontaneous...I know we can't be too rigid here....it's good to have our nights OPEN...as our kids spring things on us...

And I want to be there for my friends if they want to meet for lunch or do any outings...I have always felt my friends are more busy over me .. but then they would say I have all these kids so I have to be busy.... I don't know... I could be busier...I was too busy in the past I think... to stop & smell the roses...me & husband could have had a little more FUN... Had enough of that.. it's time to relax !


----------



## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

My pet peeve is the "busy people" who complain about being so busy when a lot of their activities are optional. 

Who's making them volunteer for this and that? No one. Who's insisting that their kids each play three sports and have two activities? They are. So much of that type of busy-ness is self inflicted. 

There's a guilt component to it. They think that their kids have to have every experience and opportunity possible. I think that in the long run, the kids just get over scheduled. If you asked them they would probably prefer to have a family movie night or something like that to a bunch of structured activities.


----------



## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

What's LMHO? I know LMAO...


----------



## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

> They think that their kids have to have every experience and opportunity possible. I think that in the long run, the kids just get over scheduled. If you asked them they would probably prefer to have a family movie night or something like that to a bunch of structured activities.


I have cousins who grew up in that sort of environment. They both openly admitted to us cousins they envied our 'less hectic' farm life where we only got up a half hour before school and just had to do a few hours of chores when we got home plus only had to work part of a day on the weekends! 

Good kids but by their senior years they were both burned out on all the extra activity stuff. One flat out said he just wanted to be a bum for a few years once he got out of school just to see what it would be like to live the opposite of how he did then. 

They both have good lives as adults now but one takes things way slower and the other is like me and never plans or wants to have kids just out of fear of over running them.


----------



## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

VermisciousKnid said:


> My pet peeve is the "busy people" who complain about being so busy when a lot of their activities are optional.
> 
> Who's making them volunteer for this and that? No one. Who's insisting that their kids each play three sports and have two activities? They are. So much of that type of busy-ness is self inflicted.
> 
> There's a guilt component to it. They think that their kids have to have every experience and opportunity possible. I think that in the long run, the kids just get over scheduled. If you asked them they would probably prefer to have a family movie night or something like that to a bunch of structured activities.


I agree 100%. I don't understand this mentality either. I see most of the business as self-inflicted; if it were necessary, then i would have to be participating as well, right?

And people have this weird mentality that the more activities their kids are in, the more benefit it will bring them as an adult. At least, I suppose that is what they think.


----------



## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

married tech said:


> I have often had this debate with my wife relating to our life goals.
> 
> We have similar interests and goals in life but when it comes down to how we each built ourselves into who we are today the views are very different.
> 
> ...


If it's a philosophical debate; fine, intelligent people can agree to disagree. Your DW is perfectly free to run wide open, but she must respect you enough to not request you adopt her goals as your own. People have the right (and the responsibility) to choose their own passions: work, sports, hobby, family etc.


----------



## Jimena (May 28, 2012)

OP, I'm curious to understand your dynamic a little better. You've gone into great detail about your level of 'busy', but exactly how is your wife a 'busybody'? You mentioned that she often end up in a mess, but that's not necessarily an effect of 'business' or 'laziness'. 

Besides, where I'm from a 'busybody' generally refers to a nosy/gossipy person, which I don't think you mean here.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I wouldn't accept her putting you down for your planning and foresight. You're right for your personality, and will probably have a far better long-term outcome than her. If she does it again, call her on it, and if necessary, put down her thoughtless choices in return - then perhaps get a real discussion going between you.


----------



## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

> Besides, where I'm from a 'busybody' generally refers to a nosy/gossipy person, which I don't think you mean here.


Interesting. Where I am and how I grew up a busybody is one of those people who can't sit still or leave good enough alone.


----------

