# Input on behavior



## Believeingod (Oct 12, 2020)

I am at wit’s end.We had 2 couple Friends over last Friday,we were sitting at the dining table.One of the Husbands, out of the blue tells my husband, “Hey you aren’t looking dark today!”, meaning complexion wise, that same guy once, at his house, told my husband “Hey you look dark today!”
So, I just couldn’t take it and stepped up for my husband and said “No matter how dark he is, he is & will always be my hero!”And also told him, not to say that again,it hurts me!
After they left, I told my husband that he should have shut that friend up by saying “what do you mean?”
To which,my husband replied “I have a different approach to things, am not like you,I don’t react so easily!”
I told him, Yes, as humans, we are all different, but standing up for the right thing, is something EVERY single human being should do!
He got mad and said “Who are you to tell me how and when I should react,you should respect my feelings!
I am so so hurt, almost 20 years of marriage and am asked “who are you?”
What are your thoughts?Did I do or say anything wrong?
Sorry, this is long! I spoke for him and this is what I get to hear from him in return!


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## Luminous (Jan 14, 2018)

Well, he may be upset because you took it upon yourself to interject with his male colleague/counterpart without discussing that possibility first... 

If it doesn't bother him, or he deals with it in his own way constructively, why are you jumping up and down? Because it wasn't in a way you recognise?

From the information you have given, there is either something else in play for you and how you reacted, or you have made a mountain out of a simple mole hill.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Believeingod said:


> I am at wit’s end.We had 2 couple Friends over last Friday,we were sitting at the dining table.One of the Husbands, out of the blue tells my husband, “Hey you aren’t looking dark today!”, meaning complexion wise, that same guy once, at his house, told my husband “Hey you look dark today!”
> So, I just couldn’t take it and stepped up for my husband and said “No matter how dark he is, he is & will always be my hero!”And also told him, not to say that again,it hurts me!
> After they left, I told my husband that he should have shut that friend up by saying “what do you mean, and why do you keep saying that I look dark, I don’t look dark,WTH is this?”
> To which,my husband replied “I have a different approach to things, am not like you, I don’t react so easily!”
> ...


???I dont understand. Is he black? hispanic? Or do you live on the coast in the sun and sand and guy is talking about his tan?


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## Believeingod (Oct 12, 2020)

Luminous said:


> Well, he may be upset because you took it upon yourself to interject with his male colleague/counterpart without discussing that possibility first...
> 
> If it doesn't bother him, or he deals with it in his own way constructively, why are you jumping up and down? Because it wasn't in a way you recognise?
> 
> ...


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## Believeingod (Oct 12, 2020)

Divinely Favored said:


> ???I dont understand. Is he black? hispanic? Or do you live on the coast in the sun and sand and guy is talking about his tan?


We are from India.


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## Believeingod (Oct 12, 2020)

Believeingod said:


> We are from India.No, not a tan, if it were, then we would have understood where the friend is coming from.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Why is this in the sex in marriage forum? Are you and your husband in a threesome with this man or something?

Confused.....


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

You overreacted. 

You don't get to tell someone else how they should feel. Your husband is not a clone of you. He has his own brain and thinks and reacts his own way. 

Maybe he didn't want to make a scene at the dinner table with other guests? Maybe he prefers to handle it privately? Maybe it didn't bother him? Either way, go apologize.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

bobert said:


> You overreacted.
> 
> You don't get to tell someone else how they should feel. Your husband is not a clone of you. He has his own brain and thinks and reacts his own way.
> 
> Maybe he didn't want to make a scene at the dinner table with other guests? Maybe he prefers to handle it privately? Maybe it didn't bother him? Either way, go apologize.


Yep. Honestly people get so uptight and stressed about things these days. These are your friends so I am sure it wasnt meant in a rude way. Some people dont always understand what is ok to say and what its not. I know people like that, they dont mean any offence. He may be slightly on the autistic spectrum who knows. Its so hard these days to have any sort of conversation without someone getting offended about something. Its like walking on eggshells.
Your husband is entitled to speak for him self if he chooses. He must have been really embarrassed when you made that scene, as must all the others there.
I am VERY protective of my husband, but if anyone makes a joke about OZ or what Auzzies are like(he is Australian) he would laugh and so would I. He just wouldnt care.


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## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

You said "no matter how dark"
And now that you say you are from India, I'm guessing that darkness or darker is part of a colourism type insult.

But it seems that you take it as an insult to heart, far more than your husband does. 
Telling a person how to react or deal with someone in a manner you prefer, rarely works. 
Your husband may have wanted to approach the friend in a different way, maybe with some cutting humour. A way that doesn't damage a friendship.

I can see that you are very proud of your husband, and hurt on his behalf, but you worked against him instead of with him.
Your reaction was over protective in a way.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Believeingod said:


> We are from India.


This is a very important detail. The connection between lightness and beauty may not be evident to most people reading. 
Was the chap who said this also Indian?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

There has been a rigid caste system in India for thousands of years. Being being dark skinned is associated with being low caste. What the friend said was a very off-color (if you'll forgive the pun) joke at best, _exceptionally_ offensive at worst. 

But, OP, your husband is presumably a man who can speak for himself. And choose not to speak at all, if that is his desire. You jumping to his rescue may have felt to him as if you don't think he's capable of taking care of himself. In a very male-dominated culture, such as India's has historically been, your comments came off as emasculating to him or, worse, as you emasculating him in front of others.

The friend was very likely way out of line, but you're the one who removed everyone's ability to do the friend - and your husband - the kindness of pretending he hadn't spoken. I recommend letting your husband decide how he feels and how he wants to react to things that are directed at him. Give him the courtesy and respect of trusting that he's man enough to deal with things in his own way. It might not hurt to apologize to him for being a bit overprotective and not allowing him to speak for himself.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

The cultural aspect may be lost on many of us.

If someone kept taking shots at my wife, I would fire back.


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## Believeingod (Oct 12, 2020)

Livvie said:


> Why is this in the sex in marriage forum? Are you and your husband in a threesome with this man or something?
> 
> Confused.....


I did not pay attention to that!And NO to answer your insensible question!


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## Believeingod (Oct 12, 2020)

Rowan said:


> There has been a rigid caste system in India for thousands of years. Being being dark skinned is associated with being low caste. What the friend said was a very off-color (if you'll forgive the pun) joke at best, _exceptionally_ offensive at worst.
> 
> But, OP, your husband is presumably a man who can speak for himself. And choose not to speak at all, if that is his desire. You jumping to his rescue may have felt to him as if you don't think he's capable of taking care of himself. In a very male-dominated culture, such as India's has historically been, your comments came off as emasculating to him or, worse, as you emasculating him in front of others.
> 
> The friend was very likely way out of line, but you're the one who removed everyone's ability to do the friend - and your husband - the kindness of pretending he hadn't spoken. I recommend letting your husband decide how he feels and how he wants to react to things that are directed at him. Give him the courtesy and respect of trusting that he's man enough to deal with things in his own way. It might not hurt to apologize to him for being a bit overprotective and not allowing him to speak for himself.


Thank you for replying. There is nothing as such in India, that being of dark skin color is LOW Caste!We are indeed from the Kshatriya Cast System!


Rowan said:


> There has been a rigid caste system in India for thousands of years. Being being dark skinned is associated with being low caste. What the friend said was a very off-color (if you'll forgive the pun) joke at best, _exceptionally_ offensive at worst.
> 
> But, OP, your husband is presumably a man who can speak for himself. And choose not to speak at all, if that is his desire. You jumping to his rescue may have felt to him as if you don't think he's capable of taking care of himself. In a very male-dominated culture, such as India's has historically been, your comments came off as emasculating to him or, worse, as you emasculating him in front of others.
> 
> The friend was very likely way out of line, but you're the one who removed everyone's ability to do the friend - and your husband - the kindness of pretending he hadn't spoken. I recommend letting your husband decide how he feels and how he wants to react to things that are directed at him. Give him the courtesy and respect of trusting that he's man enough to deal with things in his own way. It might not hurt to apologize to him for being a bit overprotective and not allowing him to speak for himself.


Thank you for your input! There is nothing as such though, dark skin people have nothing to do with Low caste system!
We are from Delhi, and people from the South are 99% Dark, that doesn’t mean they are ALL of a low cast!!


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## Believeingod (Oct 12, 2020)

Mr The Other said:


> This is a very important detail. The connection between lightness and beauty may not be evident to most people reading.
> Was the chap who said this also Indian?


Yes, he is also Indian, our American Friends don’t pass such obnoxious comments! He is from India and from the North, just like us.


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## Believeingod (Oct 12, 2020)

EveningThoughts said:


> You said "no matter how dark"
> And now that you say you are from India, I'm guessing that darkness or darker is part of a colourism type insult.
> 
> But it seems that you take it as an insult to heart, far more than your husband does.
> ...


I approached the Friend with humor too!
I handled the situation in a humorous manner!


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

I don't think there was any problem with you defending your H with his friend.
I DO however think you should not blast your H because of it! He is entitled to react any way he wants. He may be non-confrontational, etc., and just deals with things differently.
So, Kudos to you for defending him, Bad for you attacking HIM about it.

I think you should talk with your H, explain why YOU got so mad (you were actually mad FOR him), and apologize for trying to tell HIM how to feel/react. You CAN say that if he is, in your view, attacked, then you WILL defend him.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Believeingod said:


> I did not pay attention to that!And NO to answer your insensible question!


You wouldn't be so shocked by that question if you read of the threads around here.


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## Believeingod (Oct 12, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> Yep. Honestly people get so uptight and stressed about things these days. These are your friends so I am sure it wasnt meant in a rude way. Some people dont always understand what is ok to say and what its not. I know people like that, they dont mean any offence. He may be slightly on the autistic spectrum who knows. Its so hard these days to have any sort of conversation without someone getting offended about something. Its like walking on eggshells.
> Your husband is entitled to speak for him self if he chooses. He must have been really embarrassed when you made that scene, as must all the others there.
> I am VERY protective of my husband, but if anyone makes a joke about OZ or what Auzzies are like(he is Australian) he would laugh and so would I. He just wouldnt care.


No,my Husband wasn’t embarrassed AT ALL!!!!! And it’s not like I was rude in my approach to my guest, I handled it by saying it nicely! Yes,there are Jokes that we do laugh at too, but no one makes personal attacks, we don’t tell a person “Hey you are looking FAT today, hey today you aren’t looking Fat!”
We don’t make personal attacks on our Friends!


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## Believeingod (Oct 12, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> I don't think there was any problem with you defending your H with his friend.
> I DO however think you should not blast your H because of it! He is entitled to react any way he wants. He may be non-confrontational, etc., and just deals with things differently.
> So, Kudos to you for defending him, Bad for you attacking HIM about it.
> 
> I think you should talk with your H, explain why YOU got so mad (you were actually mad FOR him), and apologize for trying to tell HIM how to feel/react. You CAN say that if he is, in your view, attacked, then you WILL defend him.


Thank you for replying. I actually did make him understand my point of view, my concern for him and he agrees that the Friend did wrong. All I want is for him to stand up for himself, without me having to intervene.This is what I teach my Kids too!


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Believeingod said:


> All I want is for him to stand up for himself, without me having to intervene.This is what I teach my Kids too!


He isn't one of your kids though. Don't treat him like one. Everyone handles issues like this differently and it's not up to you to decide how he handles it or what is best for him.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Believeingod said:


> Yes, he is also Indian, our American Friends don’t pass such obnoxious comments! He is from India and from the North, just like us.


Then I understand why you find it rude. I hope you will understand that most Americans will not understand the cultural background. 
Much does depend. I might comment on a friend putting on a lot of weight, it would not mark a lack of respect or malice. But, it might be a sore point for his wife I can imagine.


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## Believeingod (Oct 12, 2020)

Mr The Other said:


> Then I understand why you find it rude. I hope you will understand that most Americans will not understand the cultural background.
> Much does depend. I might comment on a friend putting on a lot of weight, it would not mark a lack of respect or malice. But, it might be a sore point for his wife I can imagine.


I think, no one out of the blue, while we are talking about a different thing, will make a comment as such!
I won’t tell a Friend he/she looks FAT in front of other friends, that too out of the blue, unless that friend has asked my opinion!


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## Believeingod (Oct 12, 2020)

bobert said:


> He isn't one of your kids though. Don't treat him like one. Everyone handles issues like this differently and it's not up to you to decide how he handles it or what is best for him.


You are RIGHT! He isn’t!!! He is my life partner, and I will always be by his side, to protect him and his dignity!
Thank you!


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Believeingod said:


> I did not pay attention to that!And NO to answer your insensible question!


Insensible?

Okay. Carry on.


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## Believeingod (Oct 12, 2020)

Mr The Other said:


> Then I understand why you find it rude. I hope you will understand that most Americans will not understand the cultural background.
> Much does depend. I might comment on a friend putting on a lot of weight, it would not mark a lack of respect or malice. But, it might be a sore point for his wife I can imagine.


May I know what did you mean by “Most Americans will not understand the American background?”
It’s a RUDE behavior to make personal attacks irrespective of ANY background!


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Believeingod said:


> You are RIGHT! He isn’t!!! He is my life partner, and I will always be by his side, to protect him and his dignity!
> Thank you!


Does your husband want and need you to protect him and his dignity?

Are you the dominant in the marriage??

Does he feel safer with you protecting him from his friends' comments?


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## Believeingod (Oct 12, 2020)

Livvie said:


> Does your husband want and need you to protect him and his dignity?
> 
> Are you the dominant in the marriage??
> 
> Does he feel safer with you protecting him from his friends' comments?


Protecting Family isn’t being dominating!
He knows what I did wasn’t wrong!


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Believeingod said:


> Protecting Family isn’t being dominating!
> He knows what I did wasn’t wrong!


You said: you had to protect your husband and his dignity.

Not many wives are tasked with protecting their husbands from his friend's comments. That's why I asked if you were a dominant, and he is an extreme submissive that you need to do that for him.

I mean..... By the time my children were about 5 I no longer had to play that role for them in their same age friendships, so I'm wondering about your husband's emotional development that you as his wife must protect his dignity, as you stated.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Believeingod said:


> Protecting Family isn’t being dominating!
> He knows what I did wasn’t wrong!


But does he _want_ you standing up for him like that? I'm a guy and this sentence bothers me: "I will always be by his side, to protect him and his dignity!". If your husband is non confrontational he may not want you doing that and you do need to respect that.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Believeingod said:


> May I know what did you mean by “Most Americans will not understand the cultural background?”
> It’s a RUDE behavior to make personal attacks irrespective of ANY background!


The way I see it... If you told me I was looking "extra white today" or "you look darker today" I'd just laugh or think you were weird. I've been called a cracker, snowflake and whatever else and it means nothing to me. In the summer I turn brown thanks to some Native American genes and again, the comments really aren't a big deal. Today I told my wife she looked "extra ginger-y" (redhead) and she didn't get offended by that. She knows her hair looks different in different lighting and seasons.

"You look fat today" is an insult and on a totally different level, IMO, as a white guy. If having a lighter or darker skin tone is better or worse in India, that's news to me and I wouldn't understand the way you feel.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, I think most of us here are just a bit confused. You seemed highly offended by the friend's comment. But, as the comment apparently wasn't racially, ethnically, or culturally offensive - as you've indicated in a rather offended manner - I think many of us are wondering why you felt it was an attack on your husband. 

Comments on someone's appearance can be neutral - neither good nor bad. Having someone tell me I look taller today, or that I look darker today, or that my hair looks lighter/darker today, would in no way be offensive. They are not rude in the same way that telling someone "you look fat" or "you're ugly" or "you don't look black" would be. 

So, if saying that your husband looks darker/not as dark is not racially or ethnically offensive, how is it offensive? That's not a dig, it's an honest question. And I suspect the answer would help us here to understand where you're coming from.

Also, you seem a bit offended by many of the posters here. Are you generally very reactive to others?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I‘m siding with your husband on this one.

ETA: I have pale skin, pale hair, and pale eyes. I often disappear in photos because I’m so light. Do I get offended when it’s pointed out I could be a ghost? No, I don’t. So let your husband disagree with the friend if he chooses and if he doesn’t then let it go.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Believeingod said:


> May I know what did you mean by “Most Americans will not understand the American background?”
> It’s a RUDE behavior to make personal attacks irrespective of ANY background!


I am on another forum where we do a weight loss thread. We discuss these things. If it is about judgement of them as a person, yes, if it is as a friend then no; i.e. it does not have to be a personal attack. Indeed, many reading this thread without the cultural background would not have taken it that way. 
Furthermore, men in most cultures will insult each other as a mark of intimacy where flattery would feel too feminine. Of course, I was not there are did not witness anything. I am certainly not saying it was anyway, but there is room for uncertainty.
If it was a mean spirited and personal attack, I fear having his wife defend him will not help. But, I respect you saw it and I did not. Sorry, I hope this can be read as sympathetic.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Openminded said:


> I‘m siding with your husband on this one.
> 
> ETA: I have pale skin, pale hair, and pale eyes. I often disappear in photos because I’m so light. Do I get offended when it’s pointed out I could be a ghost? No, I don’t. So let your husband disagree with the friend if he chooses and if he doesn’t then let it go.


I assume you are not Indian? There is a cultural difference at play here.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Mr The Other said:


> I assume you are not Indian? There is a cultural difference at play here.


Yes, I know there’s a cultural difference but my reading of her posts is she downplays the light vs. dark emphasis that I’ve previously read articles about.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I used to live in a place with many cultures. Indian was one of them. It's been so many years now that there is little I remember. And I'm sure there were some differences because these indians were living away from India. Being a single man at the time, I obviously did not get to know married women as well as husbands and sons. But, I have met your cultural counterparts of 35 years ago. 

When I look over your situation from my western point of view Here is what I see. 
there was an ongoing interaction between your husband and his friend that offended you. (apparently a lot of things offend you)
You were not happy with how he handled it.
You decided to handle it for him. 
He did not like the way you handled it.

-or-

Your husbands friend offended you.
Under the guise of "protecting" you attacked the friend in retaliation.
Your husband did not like your action.

Then in the end your husband did what every indian man I've ever met would do, He agreed with you, to keep the peace. (there are some similarities in some european cultures)

Now I'm not going to tell you that you were right (I don't need to keep peace with you) In my view you ran roughshod over him and his friend because you knew you could get away with it. That is not good relationship practice, anywhere. Here Is how I know you didn't handle this well, Your husband didn't like it.


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## Believeingod (Oct 12, 2020)

bobert said:


> The way I see it... If you told me I was looking "extra white today" or "you look darker today" I'd just laugh or think you were weird. I've been called a cracker, snowflake and whatever else and it means nothing to me. In the summer I turn brown thanks to some Native American genes and again, the comments really aren't a big deal. Today I told my wife she looked "extra ginger-y" (redhead) and she didn't get offended by that. She knows her hair looks different in different lighting and seasons.
> 
> "You look fat today" is an insult and on a totally different level, IMO, as a white guy. If having a lighter or darker skin tone is better or worse in India, that's news to me and I wouldn't understand the way you feel.


If it’s my husband saying it to me and vice versa, no issues at all, we are joking around.
But when someone does it intentionally to demean you, then it’s a whole different approach.My husband does admit that he didn’t like the Friend’s comment, and I could very well see my Husband’s Face when that comment was made...hence, my reply to that Friend, even his wife was surprised by his behavior!
No, there is nothing as such,lighter or darker tone is better in India, am on the lighter side myself, doesn’t mean anything!
It’s just that we can differ from a joke and something said to demean!


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## Believeingod (Oct 12, 2020)

Mr. Nail said:


> I used to live in a place with many cultures. Indian was one of them. It's been so many years now that there is little I remember. And I'm sure there were some differences because these indians were living away from India. Being a single man at the time, I obviously did not get to know married women as well as husbands and sons. But, I have met your cultural counterparts of 35 years ago.
> 
> When I look over your situation from my western point of view Here is what I see.
> there was an ongoing interaction between your husband and his friend that offended you. (apparently a lot of things offend you)
> ...


My Husband had no problems at all with me defending him! He was infact bapp


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## Believeingod (Oct 12, 2020)

Believeingod said:


> My Husband had no problems at all with me defending him! He was infact happy


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## Believeingod (Oct 12, 2020)

ConanHub said:


> The cultural aspect may be lost on many of us.
> 
> If someone kept taking shots at my wife, I would fire back.


I am not disagreeing with anyone here, but looks like my point is being missed!
I mean, just out of the blue, while we are in a different conversation, someone says “you don’t look dark today!” And my Husband did feel bad about it, only thing is, from what he told me, he would have replied back next time our Friend made such a comment again.And my concern was, why wait for a third time, just tell him “thank you, but I don’t know what you mean by saying that!” That’s All I was saying.


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## Believeingod (Oct 12, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> I don't think there was any problem with you defending your H with his friend.
> I DO however think you should not blast your H because of it! He is entitled to react any way he wants. He may be non-confrontational, etc., and just deals with things differently.
> So, Kudos to you for defending him, Bad for you attacking HIM about it.
> 
> I think you should talk with your H, explain why YOU got so mad (you were actually mad FOR him), and apologize for trying to tell HIM how to feel/react. You CAN say that if he is, in your view, attacked, then you WILL defend him.


I DID not attack him🤣I only told him that he should have said something about it, because he did Feel BAD about the comment that was made!


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## Believeingod (Oct 12, 2020)

Believeingod said:


> Protecting Family isn’t being dominating!
> He knows what I did wasn’t wrong! He





Believeingod said:


> My Husband had no problems at all with me defending him! He was in fact happy.


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## Believeingod (Oct 12, 2020)

Believeingod said:


> My Husband had no problems at all with me defending him! He was infact bapp





Mr The Other said:


> This is a very important detail. The connection between lightness and beauty may not be evident to most people reading.
> Was the chap who said this also Indian?


Yes, he is also Indian.


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## Believeingod (Oct 12, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> I don't think there was any problem with you defending your H with his friend.
> I DO however think you should not blast your H because of it! He is entitled to react any way he wants. He may be non-confrontational, etc., and just deals with things differently.
> So, Kudos to you for defending him, Bad for you attacking HIM about it.
> 
> I think you should talk with your H, explain why YOU got so mad (you were actually mad FOR him), and apologize for trying to tell HIM how to feel/react. You CAN say that if he is, in your view, attacked, then you WILL defend him.


Yes, I agree with you, He is entitled to react the way he wants, but here, it was an entirely different situation.
M


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## Believeingod (Oct 12, 2020)

Believeingod said:


> Protecting Family isn’t being dominating!
> He knows what I did wasn’t wrong!
> None of us is dominating!


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## Believeingod (Oct 12, 2020)

Openminded said:


> Yes, I know there’s a cultural difference but my reading of her posts is she downplays the light vs. dark emphasis that I’ve previously read articles about.


I don’t think you understand my point, But it’s okay, thank you!


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Believeingod said:


> 🙏🙏🙏


A couple of things. Why is this in the "sex in marrage" section? It doesn't seem to have anything to do with sex at least from the first page.

Secondly, and I say this from experience not as a mod or similar, but don't eliminate or edit your OP save for grammatical/mechanical correction or additional info. The reason behind this is that your situation may be similar to another, and in removing the OP they will not see it to know to look through the thread to see if the advice would apply to them.

Ultimately, you did overreact. Defending your spouse is a good thing, but only when it is needed. He wasn't feeling put upon or insulted. And if you think about it, you would probably be upset if he stepped in if it was you and your girlfriends messing with each other and he jumped down their throats when you knew they were not doing anything wrong.

Edited to add: I see in subsequent post that he was feeling insulted, which was not clear in your OP. Even so, allowing for cultural difference, many men would rather handle things in their own way. Otherwise he would not have been upset with you at first.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Believeingod said:


> Yes, he is also Indian, our American Friends don’t pass such obnoxious comments! He is from India and from the North, just like us.


If i were in hubby shoes i would say "Well you are ugly, at least i can get some sun and get my tan on" more sun the darker he will be, depends on what is going on, outside alot? Inside more during covid...he will be lighter complected.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Believeingod said:


> Protecting Family isn’t being dominating!
> He knows what I did wasn’t wrong!


With men they could be considered weak as in "You need your wife to take up for you"


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## Believeingod (Oct 12, 2020)

maquiscat said:


> A couple of things. Why is this in the "sex in marrage" section? It doesn't seem to have anything to do with sex at least from the first page.
> 
> Secondly, and I say this from experience not as a mod or similar, but don't eliminate or edit your OP save for grammatical/mechanical correction or additional info. The reason behind this is that your situation may be similar to another, and in removing the OP they will not see it to know to look through the thread to see if the advice would apply to them.
> 
> ...


Sorry, I am new to this site, and noticed where I posted my question, only after I did. 

He wasn’t upset with me for standing up for him, I did mention that in my replies.
Messing up, joking around with girlfriends, is something very different than INSULTING each other! And to answer your question, I haven’t been through anything where I have been insulted, so I don’t know how he will react!


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## Believeingod (Oct 12, 2020)

Divinely Favored said:


> If i were in hubby shoes i would say "Well you are ugly, at least i can get some sun and get my tan on" more sun the darker he will be, depends on what is going on, outside alot? Inside more during covid...he will be lighter complected.


I am sorry I didn’t understand your message


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## Believeingod (Oct 12, 2020)

Believeingod said:


> I am sorry I didn’t understand your message!


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## Believeingod (Oct 12, 2020)

Believeingod said:


> Sorry, I am new to this site, and noticed where I posted my question, only after I did.
> 
> He wasn’t upset with me for standing up for him, I did mention that in my replies.
> Messing up, joking around with girlfriends, is something very different than INSULTING each other! And to answer your question, I haven’t been through anything where I have been insulted, so I don’t know how he will react!


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Believeingod said:


> I am sorry I didn’t understand your message


That is a refute to the dark/light comment i would have told him if i were your husband.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Believeingod said:


> I am at wit’s end.We had 2 couple Friends over last Friday,we were sitting at the dining table.One of the Husbands, out of the blue tells my husband, “Hey you aren’t looking dark today!”, meaning complexion wise, that same guy once, at his house, told my husband “Hey you look dark today!”
> So, I just couldn’t take it and stepped up for my husband and said “No matter how dark he is, he is & will always be my hero!”And also told him, not to say that again,it hurts me!
> After they left, I told my husband that he should have shut that friend up by saying “what do you mean?”
> To which,my husband replied “I have a different approach to things, am not like you,I don’t react so easily!”
> ...


I would be pissed if I were your husband also. I can handle things myself. My friends and I take shots at each other all the time. It was likely a joke and it seems your husband took no offense. Also your response was odd. "No matter how dark he is, he is & always will be my hero" frankly makes it sound like you are saying being dark is a negative.


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## Believeingod (Oct 12, 2020)

happyhusband0005 said:


> I would be pissed if I were your husband also. I can handle things myself. My friends and I take shots at each other all the time. It was likely a joke and it seems your husband took no offense. Also your response was odd. "No matter how dark he is, he is & always will be my hero" frankly makes it sound like you are saying being dark is a negative.


It WAS NOT A JOKE!!!!
And my Husband agrees to that!He didn’t like it either!And I have already explained that in my previous posts!
Thank you 🙏


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## Luminous (Jan 14, 2018)

Perhaps some introspection on why you are getting so very upset about this might be of assistance.

It seems that this issue has really struck a nerve with you, and whilst you're Husband may have not liked what was said, your reaction speaks to something deeper than what you've alluded to.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Having read this entire thread, I am still trying to figure out why that comment was demeaning if color or social standing isn't an issue.

As to the "Who are you..." statement made by the husband, he seems to be saying that you don't get to decide for him how he should handle a 'demeaning' comment made to him. He would prefer to handle it in his own way. You're his wife - not his mama. With that said, it is very hard to not want to protect a loved one. 

Your friend could use a lesson on manners. What guys rib each other about in private probably shouldn't be done in public.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Believeingod said:


> I am at wit’s end.We had 2 couple Friends over last Friday,we were sitting at the dining table.One of the Husbands, out of the blue tells my husband, “Hey you aren’t looking dark today!”, meaning complexion wise, that same guy once, at his house, told my husband “Hey you look dark today!”
> So, I just couldn’t take it and stepped up for my husband and said “No matter how dark he is, he is & will always be my hero!”And also told him, not to say that again,it hurts me!
> After they left, I told my husband that he should have shut that friend up by saying “what do you mean?”
> To which,my husband replied “I have a different approach to things, am not like you,I don’t react so easily!”
> ...


Which statement was an insult? Telling him he doesn't look to dark or telling him he looks dark? 

Not many husbands want their wife fighting their battles for them. I find it interesting that he stood up to you but did not stand up to him. 

You are hurt that after 20 years of marriage he asks "who are you" ......while after 20 years of marriage you don't know him well enough to know that he has "a different approach to things" and doesn't "react so easily".


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

.


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## Believeingod (Oct 12, 2020)

manwithnoname said:


> Which statement was an insult? Telling him he doesn't look to dark or telling him he looks dark?
> 
> Not many husbands want their wife fighting their battles for them. I find it interesting that he stood up to you but did not stand up to him.
> 
> You are hurt that after 20 years of marriage he asks "who are you" ......while after 20 years of marriage you don't know him well enough to know that he has "a different approach to things" and doesn't "react so easily".


I know him well enough, that’s why I wanted him to speak up!!!!!! 
Looking dark IS NOT an insult, but someone just bringing it up for no reason, while we are all in a different conversation, THAT IS AN INSULT!!!!!
Not many husbands yes, and mine did not say I did anything wrong! Our argument is about him approaching the situation!


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## Believeingod (Oct 12, 2020)

Luminous said:


> Perhaps some introspection on why you are getting so very upset about this might be of assistance.
> 
> It seems that this issue has really struck a nerve with you, and whilst you're Husband may have not liked what was said, your reaction speaks to something deeper than what you've alluded to.


Because this Friend has done this, out of the blue, firs time, you can give him the benefit of the doubt and let it go, second time, YES, we know it’s a not a joke! And I am not sorry at all for what I said, I feel bad that I was too nice to that Friend in delivering my message!


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Believeingod said:


> Because this Friend has done this, out of the blue, firs time, you can give him the benefit of the doubt and let it go, second time, YES, we know it’s a not a joke! And I am not sorry at all for what I said, I feel bad that I was too nice to that Friend in delivering my message!


There's a simple lesson to be learned from this whole experience I think. Just let your husband deal with these things himself. That is what he was trying to get across to you, you should probably just respect that.


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## Believeingod (Oct 12, 2020)

happyhusband0005 said:


> There's a simple lesson to be learned from this whole experience I think. Just let your husband deal with these things himself. That is what he was trying to get across to you, you should probably just respect that.


The Only lesson I learnt is, next time I won’t be as nice as I was this time!!!!!
My Husband wasn’t mad at me for what I did!


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Believeingod said:


> The Only lesson I learnt is, next time I won’t be as nice as I was this time!!!!!
> My Husband wasn’t mad at me for what I did!


Wow. If that's your takeaway from this... wow.

Well, if he can't handle exchanges himself, and needs his wife to speak for him, you two are a good match.

Not many men need their wife to intervene in conversation (with friends, no less) and speak for them.

Don't be surprised if your friends begin to view your husband as a ball-less wonder. They might already.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I still don't understand why the comment was demeaning or insulting. Maybe it was insulting to make a personal comment during an entirely different conversation? Don't know. Getting your knickers in a twist because one of your friends is a classless boor is hardly worth it. Pick better friends.


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## Believeingod (Oct 12, 2020)

Livvie said:


> Wow. If that's your takeaway from this... wow.
> 
> Well, if he can't handle exchanges himself, and needs his wife to speak for him, you two are a good match.
> 
> ...


No I am not surprised at all! We have some GREAT Friends and 1 or 2 assholes!And this one, was one of them! My Husband can very well deal with such assholes, but he has a limit, me, I don’t!!!
Thank you 🙏


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## Believeingod (Oct 12, 2020)

Believeingod said:


> No I am not surprised at all! We have some GREAT Friends and 1 or 2 assholes!And this one, was one of them! My Husband can very well deal with such assholes, but he has a limit, me, I don’t!!! Everyone is different, it doesn’t mean my Husband can’t speak for himself!
> And Thank you 🙏


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## Believeingod (Oct 12, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> I still don't understand why the comment was demeaning or insulting. Maybe it was insulting to make a personal comment during an entirely different conversation? Don't know. Getting your knickers in a twist because one of your friends is a classless boor is hardly worth it. Pick better friends.


“Pick better Friends” You are right!!!!
The Friend’s wife is super sweet, hence the Friendship!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Believeingod said:


> Thank you for replying. There is nothing as such in India, that being of dark skin color is LOW Caste!We are indeed from the Kshatriya Cast System!
> 
> Thank you for your input! There is nothing as such though, dark skin people have nothing to do with Low caste system!
> We are from Delhi, and people from the South are 99% Dark, that doesn’t mean they are ALL of a low cast!!


That is true but correct me if I am wrong when it comes to ideals of beauty etc, being ‘fair‘ is highly prized and being ‘dark’ is something which is negative. Therefore to refer to someone as ‘dark’ is by no means complimentary. As someone brought up in America you may find it extremely rude. However in Asia, this level of bluntness is quite common. However,I would suggest you let your husband handle it. You can ***** about the friends rudeness later on when you are both alone. No man needs his wife to defend his honour or ego.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> I still don't understand why the comment was demeaning or insulting. Maybe it was insulting to make a personal comment during an entirely different conversation? Don't know. Getting your knickers in a twist because one of your friends is a classless boor is hardly worth it. Pick better friends.


It’s a cultural thing, I get it.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

aine said:


> It’s a cultural thing, I get it.


Will you kindly explain? I've read that Northern Indians look down on Southern Indians because they are darker and a boatload of other insignificant reasons. But, they are from Delhi so they are Northern Indian. It just seems to be some kind of ribbing that the friend was insinuating that the husband was from the South?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

My history is very rusty now but I think a few thousand years ago the aryans invaded from the north, bringing the caste system, and the original inhabitants moved toward the south where earlier indigenous people lived. I don’t remember if colorism was a thing before the aryans invaded but it was after.

ETA: I just checked and the Hindustan Times has an interesting article on caste and light vs. dark after the aryan invasion.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Believeingod said:


> Thank you for replying. There is nothing as such in India, that being of dark skin color is LOW Caste!We are indeed from the Kshatriya Cast System!
> 
> Thank you for your input! There is nothing as such though, dark skin people have nothing to do with Low caste system!
> We are from Delhi, and people from the South are 99% Dark, that doesn’t mean they are ALL of a low cast!!


So what’s the problem then? This friend is just saying what he feels is a fact. Maybe your husband was darker that day... why is that offensive or rude? 

People say stuff about my looks all the time. You gained weight, you lost weight, you look too skinny, your wearing too much makeup, I don’t Ike how you cut your hair, that shirt isn’t your color. This is a normal occurrence of someone telling me their personal opinion about me that I don’t really care that much about. I don’t take it personally. Everyone has an opinion. If I am offended, I say something. I don’t yell or cause a scene, I simply say wow that’s rude, and they get the hint and I move on to something else.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Oh and as someone who is super pale, and into health and sunscreen and staying far away from the sun, I get told all the time that I am too pale. A ignorant doctor told me that one time as well, and I just laugh it off. But I know that God made everyone with different skin colors and were not all suppose to look the same. Skin cancer runs in my family, I accept my paleness and just find it ignorant when people try to tell me my skin color isn’t good/healthy/attractive.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> Will you kindly explain? I've read that Northern Indians look down on Southern Indians because they are darker and a boatload of other insignificant reasons. But, they are from Delhi so they are Northern Indian. It just seems to be some kind of ribbing that the friend was insinuating that the husband was from the South?


It is all about ideals of beauty. Being 'fair' skinned is highly prized and the connotations of being 'dark' skinned is that somehow a person is inferior. it permeates many cultures in South and SE Asia not just Indian. It is not a racial bias believe it or not, it happens within the same race. You will have family commenting on daughters with 'dark' skin, do not go out in the sun, etc. Why do you want to play sports in the hot sun etc. It is quite foreign to a westerner but endemic in these parts of the world. The beauty produces are advertised in this way too, so there is a narrative that being fair skinned is something to aspire to. We have product such as "Fair and lovey" etc. It is subtle but very much there. Many grow up with this nuanced discrimination.
In the country I live in, I have heard family comments on BFs and GFs as being 'too dark."









Colourism: How skin-tone bias affects racial equality at work


Studies show we're all vulnerable to an intra-racial wage gap, where the darker our skin tone, the less we earn. Here’s what you need to know.




www.weforum.org


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

aine said:


> It is all about ideals of beauty. Being 'fair' skinned is highly prized and the connotations of being 'dark' skinned is that somehow a person is inferior. it permeates many cultures in South and SE Asia not just Indian. It is not a racial bias believe it or not, it happens within the same race. You will have family commenting on daughters with 'dark' skin, do not go out in the sun, etc. Why do you want to play sports in the hot sun etc. It is quite foreign to a westerner but endemic in these parts of the world. The beauty produces are advertised in this way too, so there is a narrative that being fair skinned is something to aspire to. We have product such as "Fair and lovey" etc. It is subtle but very much there. Many grow up with this nuanced discrimination.
> In the country I live in, I have heard family comments on BFs and GFs as being 'too dark."
> 
> 
> ...


Thank you. So, it looks like it is a color thing. I understand that some blacks in the U.S. have experienced the same discrimination within their own race.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Color — and “good” hair.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Believeingod said:


> I think, no one out of the blue, while we are talking about a different thing, will make a comment as such!
> I won’t tell a Friend he/she looks FAT in front of other friends, that too out of the blue, unless that friend has asked my opinion!


Just to further demonstrate the cultural component....a friend of mine is from Cambodia and he says that nutrition is poor over there so telling someone they look fat is a big compliment. It implies they're doing well enough to gain weight.

He also says that speaking anything but glowingly about someone's mother will get you shot.

Different cultures.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, I read that weight is still often considered a sign of prosperity in some countries. Thousands of years ago, the fatter the king or queen, the better off the country was seen as being since it could afford a prosperous royalty. Of course, ordinary people weren’t so likely to be fat.


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