# How do people really know???



## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

When they're on the road to moving on???

I'm curious about this aspect, I've heard it could take up to two years, it makes sense of course, especially when an individual spends years with their spouse.

It's been three months for me, and I feel a lot better than when my ex and I first separated, I remember I couldn't breath, I was obsessing (still happens occasionally), and I was really angry.

My therapist told me today I am in mourning. I feel like what bothers me the most is that I had dreams of what a marriage would look like. I feel like a bit of a failure in many ways. I thought I could change him, and when I couldn't I chose some destructive behaviors to deal with my un-happiness, and in the end that destroyed my marriage, kind of like the final blow.

So because I'm so impatient, and expect things to move forward quickly without dealing with the pain, I ask how other people know they're moving forward in a healthy way, dealing with the grief, the pain, and being ok with where they are in the process.


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## justabovewater (Jun 26, 2011)

I guess just the fact that we can breathe again is a sign that we're moving on. Each day that we wake up and are able to put one foot in front of the other and get through the day is a sign. I'm almost 10 months separated and though I still have sad days and moments when I want to cry, I've not had to curl up into a ball in the corner for many months. I'm not to the point that I've completely let go of my husband which I know is probably hindering a full recovery, but I still hold out hope, if just a glimmer, that he'll change his mind. I guess that hope will come crashing down when he finally files, whenever that may be.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

I asked this recently. I'm not sure. I know I'm different than I was in the past, but I don't sense I'm near exiting the woods. And, it'll just get harder real soon when proceedings start back up.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

For me it had to do when my heart finally accepted what my head knew and that is, *ALL things must come to an end*. When I finally embraced it, I was able to leave the past behind.


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

morituri: I was thinking about this same thing today --- all things come to an end. It's so true. Loved ones die. Marriages disintegrate. My aim in life moving on is to live in a way that nothing surprises me or catches me off guard anymore. To live hoping for the best but expecting the worst.


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

For me, it was regaining my strength and self-respect after the utter devastation of the separation. Then the realization and internalization of "there's no point being with someone who does now want to be with me" were both a big help in moving forward.

Time is brining perspective. My ex said I was a great guy, just not the guy for her. I know when but feel now that the reverse was true. I could not imagine growing old with her. Too much surface, not enough substance. 

Time and what you do with the time will get you to a better place. My grieving is over. It's not time to explore, and so far ir's been fun. 

I am almost out of the woods. Every week is better than the last. Sad moments are just that - moments that pass. 

It used to be difficult seeing how happy and seemingly well-adjusted she was after moving on after the separation while I was just devastated. Now I'm moving on and happier than I have been in months. Great, great feeling.

I agree with Morituri's post, and to that I add.... sh*t happens. It's part of life. Dust off and move on as life is short.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

canguy66 said:


> For me, it was regaining my strength and self-respect after the utter devastation of the separation. Then the realization and internalization of "there's no point being with someone who does now want to be with me" were both a big help in moving forward.
> 
> Time is brining perspective. My ex said I was a great guy, just not the guy for her. I know when but feel now that the reverse was true. I could not imagine growing old with her. Too much surface, not enough substance.
> 
> ...


I don't know all of your particulars, but, what if, in a year or 2, she came to her senses, regretted everything, and was willing to change? Wouldit be too late? Would you have to take it into consideration based on your life then?

I ask because as much as it seems unlikely, crazier things have happened, people can and do reconcile after divorce. Are you now done forever with her? Would children make that decision trickier?


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

I know I was a broken man when my wife left not even two months when I came home from the Navy with PTSD. She gave up.... not me, she cheated.... I resisted, She lied.... I defended her, she divorced me at the drop of a hat for a POS dirtbag.... and I wasted 2 years trying to get that ungrateful b*tch back.

It's been a terrible couple of years for me with each month being more depressing than the last, coping with great losses, and burying friends and family.... and I'm still not emotionaly stable. But I've survived this far and I know I deserve better than her. 

Right now I'm ok, and I have the upmost contempt for her..... but truth be told if and when she grows up I'm open to the possibility of talking to her again. I'm going to need 3-5 years to cool off first and make something of my life.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

I don't know. I thought I was doing well... I guess not. I am wondering if I am too damaged that no one will want me. 

I will have trust issues for sure for a while. My stbxh is moving on... why can't I?? 

I would never R w/ stbxh. I know better than to say never... but I have lost all respect and trust in him and there's not a single thing he could do to ever earn them back. If I took him back I would lose the respect of my older kids, family, and friends. He has done too much to forgive now.


Adding this: 
After talking to my mom and my friends I think when I can stop being angry with him. When I can stop having those days of "hate" in my heart for him and what he has done. I won't ever respect/like him again, but I think when my anger subsides and the hate is rare I will be ready to move one. 

I also realized I was looking for my kids 'step-dad' rather than a man who would be good for me... changing that perspective too. If mama is happy everyone will be


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

Mamatomany said:


> I don't know. I thought I was doing well... I guess not. I am wondering if I am too damaged that no one will want me.
> 
> I will have trust issues for sure for a while. My stbxh is moving on... why can't I??
> 
> I would never R w/ stbxh. I know better than to say never... but I have lost all respect and trust in him and there's not a single thing he could do to ever earn them back. If I took him back I would lose the respect of my older kids, family, and friends. He has done too much to forgive now.



I would rather not think about any progress I make because any triggers would make me question it and become frustrated, sad, doubtful.

I will have trust issues. I will find it hard to open up to anyone. 

And, how many future relationships will we be ok with? What happens during any future breakups? I can't fathom experiencing this pain ever again. Especially, not experiencing it after being with someone a year or 2.

That's why I'm convinced I'll be alone. And determined to be ok with that.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

morituri said:


> For me it had to do when my heart finally accepted what my head knew and that is, *ALL things must come to an end*. When I finally embraced it, I was able to leave the past behind.


My therapist and I discussed the disconnect of my heart and what my brain feel yesterday. Intellectually I am so cool with everything, but my heart is no where near, lots of catching up to do.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Jayb said:


> I would rather not think about any progress I make because any triggers would make me question it and become frustrated, sad, doubtful.
> 
> I will have trust issues. I will find it hard to open up to anyone.
> 
> ...


I think it's normal in all break ups to have trust issues, it's hard to open up to the next person and feel comfortable with it. I consider myself pretty open, but I also feel I have trust issues, and each time I go on a date, or see someone a few times, what happens? I end up critisizing them to death, and letting them go, that's where my trust issues are right now. I want the companionship, yet I don't feel it with anyone, kind of numb really.


blahhh, I guess I'll be by myself as well. lol


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Mamatomany said:


> I don't know. I thought I was doing well... I guess not. I am wondering if I am too damaged that no one will want me.
> 
> I will have trust issues for sure for a while. My stbxh is moving on... why can't I??
> 
> I would never R w/ stbxh. I know better than to say never... but I have lost all respect and trust in him and there's not a single thing he could do to ever earn them back. If I took him back I would lose the respect of my older kids, family, and friends. He has done too much to forgive now.


I read all these things and one thing shouts to me.

The process of "moving on" for those that abandoned you began long long ago.

Your process began the day you found out.

Of course it will seem to take longer.

But, it likely really won't.

In fact, it's likely shorter, as the cheap little resentments that add up to a split happen over years - not days.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

working_together said:


> I think it's normal in all break ups to have trust issues, it's hard to open up to the next person and feel comfortable with it. I consider myself pretty open, but I also feel I have trust issues, and each time I go on a date, or see someone a few times, what happens? I end up critisizing them to death, and letting them go, that's where my trust issues are right now. I want the companionship, yet I don't feel it with anyone, kind of numb really.
> 
> 
> blahhh, I guess I'll be by myself as well. lol


See and I am the opposite I trust too quickly and open up too quickly. I mean I don't completely trust them, but I am open to them. I look at them and see where it probably wouldn't last... too OCD, not into some of the same things (music, tv, politics), but yet I love learning about them. I guess I want a relationship ... I miss having some man to talk to at night. Cuddle, kiss, hold, well you see where it's going...


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

Mamatomany said:


> See and I am the opposite I trust too quickly and open up too quickly. I mean I don't completely trust them, but I am open to them. I look at them and see where it probably wouldn't last... too OCD, not into some of the same things (music, tv, politics), but yet I love learning about them. I guess *I want a relationship *... I miss having some man *to talk to at night. Cuddle, kiss, hold, well you see where it's going.*..




Exactly! I'd fall into love immediately! Because I am looking for stability, family oriented, deep love, commitment, etc. I'm not looking to casually date, with no possibility of long-term. That's why I have a grim outlook right now.

That's what I'm trying to get my wife to see. That after all the sparks which may last up to 3 years, maybe, there is the settling down to routine, growing, maturing of love. But, she's in some fog that minimizes that at the expense of "feelings."


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

Conrad said:


> I read all these things and one thing shouts to me.
> 
> *The process of "moving on" for those that abandoned you began long long ago.
> 
> ...



Thanks for this! Absolutely correct for me! I needed to hear/see this at this time. 

Also, I think the continual pushback from the other person (via subtle rejections of reconciliation, acting in a hurtful way, being selfish) may accelerate the grieving process, and ultimately acceptance, or rather, indifference. Because, there's only so much rejection I can take, right? There's only so much time before I ultimately give up, right?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Jayb said:


> Thanks for this! Absolutely correct for me! I needed to hear/see this at this time.
> 
> Also, I think the continual pushback from the other person (via subtle rejections of reconciliation, acting in a hurtful way, being selfish) may accelerate the grieving process, and ultimately acceptance, or rather, indifference. Because, there's only so much rejection I can take, right? There's only so much time before I ultimately give up, right?


Jay,

I hope so.

But, only you can answer that.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Mamatomany said:


> See and I am the opposite I trust too quickly and open up too quickly. I mean I don't completely trust them, but I am open to them. I look at them and see where it probably wouldn't last... too OCD, not into some of the same things (music, tv, politics), but yet I love learning about them. I guess I want a relationship ... I miss having some man to talk to at night. Cuddle, kiss, hold, well you see where it's going...


I thought I wanted a relationship as well, then with the dating, I realized that I don't want a committed relationship. I'm not saying I just want to go out and get laid either, but something in the middle. I know I don't want to fall in love any time soon.


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## still_think_of_her (Mar 10, 2012)

working_together said:


> I thought I wanted a relationship as well, then with the dating, I realized that I don't want a committed relationship. I'm not saying I just want to go out and get laid either, but something in the middle. I know I don't want to fall in love any time soon.



sounds like you are looking for what I am looking for. Someone who is like my stbxw WAS and what I thought she was before the affair. Someone I can feel totally comfortable letting my guard down with and not feel like I am revealing something that will be judged but rather accepted. its hard because after many years with her it has become an impossible task to find the old her in anyone new. Guess it is just time to think things through. Someone I work with said I will move on and find another love but never the same as it was with her. It will be healthier but not as open or honest. The trust that once was is now no more and can never be rebuilt. The damage from her affair has left me less trusting on all fronts.... but not crippled. I may need a crutch from time to time but i will never need someone to carry me.


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## AllieM (Apr 16, 2012)

Are any of you still in the home you shared together or did you leave? I'm in the home so it's really hard but I want to be there for any kind of normalcy I can give our son. I think though that it's time I start changing more things to make it look completely different. It's hard to have every day reminders. Ugh.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

AllieM said:


> Are any of you still in the home you shared together or did you leave? I'm in the home so it's really hard but I want to be there for any kind of normalcy I can give our son. I think though that it's time I start changing more things to make it look completely different. It's hard to have every day reminders. Ugh.


I am in a condo, away from our house. With my wife being the one who wants to end it, she is in the house. I thought I may have been happier in the house, but now realize, no way. As the dumpee, remaining in the house we built would be too upsetting. With the dumper, even though misery may have existed while married and living in the house, now that the source of misery is gone (and all respective property), it is easier to remain there.


IMO


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

working_together said:


> I thought I wanted a relationship as well, then with the dating, I realized that I don't want a committed relationship. I'm not saying I just want to go out and get laid either, but something in the middle. I know I don't want to fall in love any time soon


In the middle of getting laid and a committed relationship? Sounds like you would like is a FWB (friend with benefits). IF the two of you can pull it off, I see nothing wrong with it.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

AllieM said:


> Are any of you still in the home you shared together or did you leave? I'm in the home so it's really hard but I want to be there for any kind of normalcy I can give our son. I think though that it's time I start changing more things to make it look completely different. It's hard to have every day reminders. Ugh.


We are and I'd like to stay there for a couple of years and if longer I would change things up a lot. We are a big family it would be hard to find a place that I can afford to buy or that would rent to us (especially in the area we are in).


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Jayb said:


> I would rather not think about any progress I make because any triggers would make me question it and become frustrated, sad, doubtful.
> 
> I will have trust issues. I will find it hard to open up to anyone.
> 
> ...


I recognize I have grown each day and with each new experience that I am having. I am a freakin' open book. My friend told me I am too open/honest and too trusting, he's worried about me dating w/ those characteristics but I think he may be just worried about me. 

Jay, I am betting the new relationships you have will have their own baggage and you all will just have to learn to deal with the baggage together. My friend that I have been talking to also has trust issues and so we make quite a pair when we are talking about stuff. Mind you, we aren't dating (I am not quite ready for that) but he's lending me his experience and shoulder. Sometimes relationships start just like that...


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