# Drifting apart and need some guidance please



## Thimbleby (Mar 12, 2021)

Hello, I'm very new to forums so I'm sorry in advance that this is such a long post! I’m not sure what I’m hoping for really, I just thought a bit of external advice might help me figure things out.

A bit of background to our relationship and why I’ve come here. I've been with my husband for 10 years, married for the last 3. We don't have any children but we have talked about it. Over the years we’ve had ups and downs but my husband is a good man and mostly things are ok. However, in the last year or so I’ve been very seriously thinking about leaving. I don’t feel fulfilled by what we have. I don’t want to make a mistake and hurt him, so I wonder if it’s just in my head and I need to work on myself rather than cause him that pain?

The physical side of our relationship has been a problem since the early days. We need different amounts of affection, I definitely seem to need more than he does. I feel like he pushes me away sometimes, other times I feel like he is tolerating it rather than enjoying the affection I’m showing him. When I have talked to him about this he gives me different reasons why so I don’t know how to change my behaviour to help. Initially he said he felt I was springing it on him, so I started leaving hints ahead of time and trying to be flirty without initiating touch. This didn’t really help and he said that I was making him feel pressured and taking the .

A while ago I bought something nice to wear to surprise him and he just sighed when he saw me. He said it was because he wasn’t ready but it was a surprise, that’s the point! That was a turning point for me and now, I don’t really want to try anymore because I don’t feel confident and it's not fun when you're second-guessing yourself constantly. I am an open communicator, not angry or aggressive but I will make him aware of the feelings I have and I encourage him to do the same, I just don’t see anything really changing for us as a result of talking.

We don’t have many shared hobbies either. We’ve tried over the years but nothing that we pick up together lasts very long. I’ve suggested date nights, and I even put together a little jam jar of ideas but again, this petered out quickly. We don’t have any shared goals for the future. I’m very future-orientated and being with someone who isn’t makes me feel quite sad. We were engaged for 4 years in total and I think that having the wedding somewhere in the future masked the fact that really we aren't working together in life, it feels more like we're going through things next to each other.

I don’t want to be overly negative about him as I know I can be quite intense sometimes and I'm not perfect. He has expressed that he needs a lot of space so my intensity can be a problem. I try and hold back but I feel like we’re drifting apart now and if I’m honest I am also getting bored. I have tried to bring things to the table myself over the years, I'm not expecting him to do all the work but he can be too apathetic. In his eyes, I don’t think there are any problems, which is frustrating for me as I just feel like I’m causing trouble. 

When we first met he had a lot of debt and I lent him money which didn't go down well with my Mum and my sister. They didn’t think he was good for me, there is more to it but it’s a big thing to get into. Essentially for the last 4 or 5 years now I have gone home to visit them for my birthday and the holidays alone because there were numerous fallings out. My nephew has actually never met my husband or seen me with him which breaks my heart. I think this has had a huge impact as I feel like I live two separate lives, one with my family and one with him. As I said before, he likes a lot of space so I also try and go out some days alone so he has the house to himself. I know he misses me when I’m gone and I miss him too but I still feel like I might as well be single.

Ultimately, I’m feeling very dissatisfied by our relationship and I’m approaching an age where I want to start having children but I want to feel like I’m with the right person and that we’re going to go through the experience of raising a family together. At the moment, I don’t really feel like we do anything together. I don’t know if it’s fair to keep plodding along when we both might be happier with someone else that’s more on our wave-length.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Apparently the normal thing to do in these situations is to cheat and detach from him so you can move in without so much pain.
The best thing is to endure the pain and move on. He is like he is. If that’s not what you want, tell him so and divorce. It’s simple.
Staying around and expecting a man to change into someone who he isn’t, won’t get you a different person. 

You should tell him how you feel as plainly as youve talked to an anonymous forum.
Perhaps if you communicated with one another clearly, without holding back worrying about hurt feelings, you could work out a solution. Doubtful. Your husband is low drive and you’re high. That’s the problem. Not the hobbies.


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## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

It sounds like more than low drive. He doesn't want affection or quality time either. 

@Thimbleby , do you think it's possible he's having an affair either in person or online? 

Could all this space he needs be for getting off with cam girls or porn?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

I would read the Chapman book 5 love languages. Sounds like YOUR main language is touch and his seems to not be.
That will always cause a problem if you both are not aware of it and work towards each OTHERS love languages.
Second have you gone to Marriage counseling at all?


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## Thimbleby (Mar 12, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> Apparently the normal thing to do in these situations is to cheat and detach from him so you can move in without so much pain.
> The best thing is to endure the pain and move on. He is like he is. If that’s not what you want, tell him so and divorce. It’s simple.
> Staying around and expecting a man to change into someone who he isn’t, won’t get you a different person.
> 
> ...





Evinrude58 said:


> Apparently the normal thing to do in these situations is to cheat and detach from him so you can move in without so much pain.
> The best thing is to endure the pain and move on. He is like he is. If that’s not what you want, tell him so and divorce. It’s simple.
> Staying around and expecting a man to change into someone who he isn’t, won’t get you a different person.
> 
> ...


Thank you for the reply. There isn't any chance of an affair breaking up the marriage though! There's nobody waiting in the wings for either of us so if I left I'd leave to go it alone. I understand your advice is that he won't change but there's got to be ways of managing the differences between us. We've been together for so long, there's got to be something there to hold on to. 

I do communicate with him as much as I can, I don't think there's anything that I put in my post that he doesn't already know about. There is a libido problem and a problem with communication and he knows this, but he likes the status quo. 

I tried talking to him recently, he listened to everything I said and then the conversation kind of petered out and there was no resolution and no reassurance. I tried again a few days later and he was annoyed I was bringing it up again so soon. He said he hadn't had a chance to think about it and I couldn't expect solutions so quickly. That time we argued. He is working a lot at the moment, he's a couple of weeks away from submitting a huge project he's been working on for a long time and he thinks it's selfish that I'm bringing it up now. Its not the right time, but I can't stop thinking about it and it's driving me mad. I really don't want to sabotage his work, I want him to succeed so I'm going to wait a bit longer before bringing it up again. We won't get anywhere until his head is clear.


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## Thimbleby (Mar 12, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> I would read the Chapman book 5 love languages. Sounds like YOUR main language is touch and his seems to not be.
> That will always cause a problem if you both are not aware of it and work towards each OTHERS love languages.
> Second have you gone to Marriage counseling at all?



Thank you for the advice. I will look for this and read it, it may be helpful to understand his point of view better. We haven't had any marriage counselling. I have had personal counselling in the past but I think my husband would be very reluctant, sadly he's a bit funny about that kind of thing.


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## Thimbleby (Mar 12, 2021)

So Married said:


> It sounds like more than low drive. He doesn't want affection or quality time either.
> 
> @Thimbleby , do you think it's possible he's having an affair either in person or online?
> 
> Could all this space he needs be for getting off with cam girls or porn?



Low drive is a big problem yes, I think he is too wrapped up in his head a lot of the time. I don't think he realises that there's anything wrong in the world outside, or in our relationship until I say something. 

I don't think he's the type to do that with chats and porn. I also don't suspect an affair. Mostly I think he just wants time on his own to pootle around and do his own thing, he's very insular and being social, even with me, is draining. I thought it would lead to better time together if he'd had time alone but it hasn't.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

He sounds depressed to me.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

In Absentia said:


> He sounds depressed to me.


Yeah, I had that thought too. Or, maybe just introverted. My first question would be, is this how he's always been, or has something changed? If this is who he's always been, then it probably isn't going to change very much. How old are each of you?

I'm wondering why he wants to be married. If he's not that into sex, and likes pootling around on his own, and also doesn't seem that keen on your family, why not just be a bachelor?



> Essentially for the last 4 or 5 years now I have gone home to visit them for my birthday and the holidays alone because there were numerous fallings out. My nephew has actually never met my husband or seen me with him which breaks my heart. I think this has had a huge impact as I feel like I live two separate lives, one with my family and one with him.


That's a big issue, which you kind of slid past us. On which side were the numerous fallings out? Does he dislike them, or vice versa? Are they intolerant of how he's not like them? What's your family of origin _like? _(Sorry, my professional curiosity is kicking in)



> We haven't had any marriage counselling. ... I think my husband would be very reluctant, sadly he's a bit funny about that kind of thing.


A bit funny? You mean, it's not a treat for him to open up his insides to a stranger? _I can understand that! _It's like having brain surgery only worse. Maybe like having brain surgery on a roller-coaster.


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## Thimbleby (Mar 12, 2021)

Laurentium said:


> Yeah, I had that thought too. Or, maybe just introverted. My first question would be, is this how he's always been, or has something changed? If this is who he's always been, then it probably isn't going to change very much. How old are each of you?
> 
> I'm wondering why he wants to be married. If he's not that into sex, and likes pootling around on his own, and also doesn't seem that keen on your family, why not just be a bachelor?
> 
> ...


I have considered that he may be depressed and I have encouraged him to try counselling as I've found it helpful in the past. Nothing has changed in him recently though, these are recurring issues and he's always been a bit like this. But perhaps I have changed.. 

There is an age gap between us. I'm younger, we met and got together when I was 19 and he was 26. I don't think he wants to be alone though. He said that when he was single (before me) he had considered not trying to date anyone and just concentrating on his studies and his big goal of getting a Phd. That's the only hint at him wanting to be properly alone. But after a few years single he met me and he asked me out and we've been together ever since then. He is just now finishing his Phd having done a masters as well, so I never stopped him from pursuing that goal. 

Sorry, I did sort of slip that one in about my family. I know it is a big deal and it is something I've internalised. I'm not really sure how to break down what happened to lead to this situation. The fallings out are mainly between me, my Mum and my sister. He isn't involved in the fallings out directly but they have never been keen on him and he doesn't deal well with conflict. 

It springs from them trying to look out for me but I tend to defend him quite fervently if issues come up. It's a difficult cycle of them being protective of me and me being protective of him! He had a lot of debt in the early years of our relationship and I gave him financial help in the form of loans and I was the breadwinner for a few years while he studied. They didn't like that, partly because they don't think that he is supportive enough of me and my goals, but they also think that I have put him ahead of my family. I don't really feel like I have, I feel stuck in the middle and pulled both ways. The best way to keep everyone happy seems to be to keep those two parts of my life separate.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Was there ever a time when you were happy with his physical affection? If not I think you’re onto something and you should think about leaving. It’s probably better than trying to force something he wasn’t capable of delivering.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Thimbleby said:


> They didn't like that, partly because they don't think that he is supportive enough of me and my goals, but they also think that I have put him ahead of my family.


You know when you get married you ARE supposed to put your spouse ahead of your family?


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