# I let my guard down.



## Noah2150 (Nov 8, 2012)

I posted about my wife of 18 years a couple of weeks ago. I took you guys advice and bought a VAR. Convinced she wasn't doing anything I took the VAR back(never opened it) and now she acting really suspicious again. She is still talking on the phone with someone only in her car. I came home early Friday and she quickly hung up the phone. She said it was someone we both knew. I checked her call log online and it wasn't this person. She left on Saturday to go window shopping with a coworker. The strange part is that she took her flat iron, comb, brush deorderant and perfume. I confronted about all the items she took when she came back home and she totally flew off the handle. Thing about buying a VAR again. Also, what are you guys suggestion about a good and fairly cheap GPS tracker?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

What kind of phone does she have, you might beable to track her through her cell.

Dying to know what lame @ss excuss for the "cheating gear" she brought with her?

Tell her next time she sleeps with OM she should just wear a hair net and she won't have to waste the time fixing her hair back up.


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## Noah2150 (Nov 8, 2012)

@the guy It is a Galaxy S 2, it is locked with a pass code I do not know. She takes it everywhere with her, even in the shower last night. She said she took her flat iron because her hair got frizzy from being outdoors a couple of weeks ago.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Why ask? do it immediately


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## Noah2150 (Nov 8, 2012)

It's like her phone has become a part of her body.


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## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

Noah2150 said:


> @the guy It is a Galaxy S 2, it is locked with a pass code I do not know. She takes it everywhere with her, even in the shower last night. She said she took her flat iron because her hair got frizzy from being outdoors a couple of weeks ago.


Dude if she is taking her phone everywhere with her including the shower, you have nothing to look for... she's got a new hobby and it walks on two legs and has a third one!

So sorry you are here, be sure you do not forget this is not your fault.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Oh yeah - she is cheating - and not hiding it very well.

Get a VAR for her car - actually get two - so you can have one recording while you listen to the other.

Do you have access to her phone records?

Does her phone have GPS?

Edit: Just remembered you can check the call logs. Check for numbers you do not recognize. Have a friend call the numbers to find out who they belong to. You could try Spokeo.com to look up the numbers but that does not always work.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Did she change her behavior right around the time you bought the VAR? Am I interpreting this correctly that her behavior changed immediately when you first purchased? Did you use cash or was it on a card that she has access to the online activity? FYI, if you plan on buying another VAR, make sure to pay cash, traveler's check or use a prepaid Visa. If she asks why you bought a prepaid Visa, you can always give her some lame excuse like you got some rewards points for buying a gift card or something like that. If she asks you for the prepaid Visa, tell her no, that you are going to use it for cash for your expenses (gas, lunches, other stuff you normally due during your pay period).


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## Saki (Dec 7, 2011)

I'll never understand women.

Why do they need a flat iron to cheat on someone?!?

If she asks about a prepaid visa, tell her you got it to buy her a flat iron you were going to give her for xmas so she could just keep one in her car.

Sometimes it's a good idea to play along with her games...


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## Noah2150 (Nov 8, 2012)

@ TDSC60 she has Sprint. Sprint allows you to view call logs only. N information about texts, just how many texts. Yes it has GPS. How do I track her movement without being able to access her phone?


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

BrickHouse Security | Home Security Camera Systems | GPS Surveillance

you can rent the GPS units


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## Noah2150 (Nov 8, 2012)

I used cash when I bought the VAR the first time. It just seem like she was acting normal again and honestly I felt relief from the thought of her cheating. So that's why I let my guard down.


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## Noah2150 (Nov 8, 2012)

@strugglinghusband thanks, is this easy to use.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Noah2150 said:


> It's like her phone has become a part of her body.


My wife used to sleep with her cellphone tucked into her pillow case at night.

I think heres what happed, you got suspicioue months ago and she caught on and cooled off her affair, then when you relaxed she thought she could start up again, what she didn't count on is TAM being here to get you back on track with your evidence gathering.

Is there any way she found out about the VAR purchase and return?

I suggest you settle down, you got her spidy senses back up again with the confrontation about the affair gear. Start pretenting all is good and except her excusses and next time don't confront until you get the smoking gun.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Noah2150 said:


> @ TDSC60 she has Sprint. Sprint allows you to view call logs only. N information about texts, just how many texts. Yes it has GPS. How do I track her movement without being able to access her phone?


I have heard (I don't have Sprint) that actual print out of text messages can be acquired from Sprint if the account is in your name. Check with Sprint.

There are programs that claim to be able to track by phone number if the GPS function is turned on. I don't have personal experience with that type of phone.

There are GPS devices that can be placed in her vehicle but I have heard mixed reviews, do some on-line research and pick one.

Do not confront or ask her question out of the ordinary (as much as you would like to). She needs to feel safe to carry on her affair. Act dumb and happy and the evidence will come.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Noah2150 said:


> @strugglinghusband thanks, is this easy to use.


I dont know but it looks fairly easy, but do some research, you dont need to get the over the top unit, just where and when type stuff...

your call...


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## Noah2150 (Nov 8, 2012)

She had no clue I bought a VAR. Also, I heard there are alarms on these VAR's that may sound f you don't turn them off properly.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Noah2150 said:


> She had no clue I bought a VAR. Also, I heard there are alarms on these VAR's that may sound f you don't turn them off properly.


Ask the salesman when you buy the VARs what functions it has. I don't think there are alarms, but even if there are I'm sure you have the option of disabling any sound coming from the VAR. And don't forget the heavy duty velcro for attaching under the seat or console.

Also I would do a dry run in my own car to determine where the best place is. Put one under the seat one under the dash and give them a test drive. See which location is best.


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## Noah2150 (Nov 8, 2012)

Also the Sprint service is in her name only


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## Noah2150 (Nov 8, 2012)

She told me how much she love me this afternoon, yet she talked to this guy for almost an hour this morning on her way to work. Is she trying to throw me off? This is stressing me out soo much.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

She may love you, you offer her security and stablity, but she also loves the excitment and attension OM gives her. She sound like a classic cake eater.

Sure she is throwing you off, just like she thru you off by cooling the affair down when you got close.

There is a good chance that she doesn't have so much love for you when you start making her affair inconvienent and uncomfortable, but who knows maybe she will drop to her knees and beg for fogiveness.


Get the VAR in place!


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

She is probably cake eating it sounds like i agree get your proof first you could always confront but more than likely she would lie about seeing or talking to someone else. Is there a time when you could get her phone like when she is sleeping ?? and try to break into it using known passwords , one thing in the future is that if yall decide to reconcile is that transparency of emails cell phones etc is a must in order to help restore trust. it sounds like the var is the best solution for now or you could go the PI way 

Good Luck


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Noah2150 said:


> She told me how much she love me this afternoon, yet she talked to this guy for almost an hour this morning on her way to work. Is she trying to throw me off? This is stressing me out soo much.


Ok tell her if she loves you she will give you access to her phone records passwords to phone and email then see what she says.


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## Noah2150 (Nov 8, 2012)

I am definitely getting a VAR, I noticed they vary greatly in price.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Noah2150 said:


> She told me how much she love me this afternoon, yet she talked to this guy for almost an hour this morning on her way to work. Is she trying to throw me off? This is stressing me out soo much.


She knows what she is doing is wrong and by telling you she loves you it is making her feel better about what she is doing. She tells you she loves you after she talks to him because she probably feels bad for doing it after its done.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Noah2150 said:


> I am definitely getting a VAR, I noticed they vary greatly in price.


Brace yourself for what you are going to hear, its probably gonna hurt!

Refresh my memory...does she know you are on to her at all?


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## Noah2150 (Nov 8, 2012)

Yes that's probably the case, I haven't eaten since yesterday, this kind of thing feels soo devastating. I have never done anything but love her for 18 years.


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## Noah2150 (Nov 8, 2012)

@letdownntx we had a big fight on Saturday because I was questioning why she needed a flat iron, comb, brush, deodorant and perfume to go window shopping with a coworker after she got back.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Noah2150 said:


> She told me how much she love me this afternoon, yet she talked to this guy for almost an hour this morning on her way to work. Is she trying to throw me off? This is stressing me out soo much.


I think I have told this story elsewhere but -

A friend of mine was having marital problems then one day his wife became the perfect wife. Great sex, attentive, always telling him she loved him, cooking, housekeeping. He could not believe his marriage was so perfect. Turns out she started an EA with a guy at work and within 6 weeks they were sleeping together - meeting a motels and bars. the affair went on for 2 years before he finally caught them by accident. She admitted to playing the perfect wife just to keep him happy so he would not suspect the affair.

I'm not saying that is what is happening with you - but it is not unheard of. So do not let her sidetrack you until you find the truth this time.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Noah2150 said:


> I am definitely getting a VAR, I noticed they vary greatly in price.


Yes they vary in price according to quality and functions..

Truthfully I would go to Best Buy or Radio Shack and have the salesman (pick a male) explain the functions of different models to you. You might even go so far as to tell him what you need it for - a male salesman will be sympathetic. He can probably help you with the velcro you will need.

Don't forget to get two if you can afford it. One in the car while you listen to the other.


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## Noah2150 (Nov 8, 2012)

ATDSC60 I will definitely do that


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

Noah2150 said:


> She had no clue I bought a VAR. Also, I heard there are alarms on these VAR's that may sound f you don't turn them off properly.


Sorry, but sounds like she's cheating, and is not very good about hiding it. Get the VAR. Open it up (there are some small pjillips screws that hold it together) and cut the spaeker wires. Any alarms (or an accidental bump causing it to play) will sound thru the speaker. You can still listen to it with headphones. 

You can turn the alarm "off", but back when I did this long ago I was always fearful it would somehow still sound off. I rested much easier with the speaker wires cut. Also, if she finds it, she may assume it's broken. At a aminimum she'd have to hunt down ear phones to listen to it. 

If you get one with a usb port, you can cut speaker and earphone wires. Download and listen to on the computer.

It's overkill, but if you're going to stress about it, worth the peace of mind.

Get the var in her car or someplace in the house she'll talk when you're gone. Brace yourself now, this likely won't be good. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Noah2150 (Nov 8, 2012)

thanks donny


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

I don't understand why you just don't confront her. What is the point of all of the investigating just so you have some "evidence" of what you already know? The fact that you need to prove to her or to yourself what you and her both already know is going on reeks of a marriage not worth saving. Evidence is not going to save your marriage, you are, and your wife is.

_"I know you are cheating on me, you have 15 minutes to tell me the truth or I will divorce you. Show me your phone. Don't delete any more messages. Give me all your passwords. If you don't, I no longer care to be married to you. I can find anyone to lie to me and treat me like dirt, I don't need to get that from you. I cannot control you, I only can control myself and what I am willing to accept in a marriage and what I am not willing to accept. And I am NOT willing to accept you deleting texts, guarding your phone from me, and carrying on an affair. 

I am your husband of 18 years, what in the world could you possibly be communicating to someone else that you would need to keep secret from me? I will no longer tolerate secrecy in our marriage or your affair. I would rather be divorced than continue this way. I am not controlling you, it is your choice whether to have a real marriage or keep hiding and lying and playing games."_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Noah2150 said:


> Yes that's probably the case, I haven't eaten since yesterday, this kind of thing feels soo devastating. I have never done anything but love her for 18 years.


Noah, you need to eat. If you can't eat, get some supplement drinks. The type they use for convalescing patients.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> I don't understand why you just don't confront her. What is the point of all of the investigating just so you have some "evidence" of what you already know? The fact that you need to prove to her or to yourself what you and her both already know is going on reeks of a marriage not worth saving. Evidence is not going to save your marriage, you are, and your wife is.
> 
> _"I know you are cheating on me, you have 15 minutes to tell me the truth or I will divorce you. Show me your phone. Don't delete any more messages. Give me all your passwords. If you don't, I no longer care to be married to you. I can find anyone to lie to me and treat me like dirt, I don't need to get that from you. I cannot control you, I only can control myself and what I am willing to accept in a marriage and what I am not willing to accept. And I am NOT willing to accept you deleting texts, guarding your phone from me, and carrying on an affair.
> 
> I am your husband of 18 years, what in the world could you possibly be communicating to someone else that you would need to keep secret from me? I will no longer tolerate secrecy in our marriage or your affair. I would rather be divorced than continue this way. I am not controlling you, it is your choice whether to have a real marriage or keep hiding and lying and playing games."_


Now, Will, if it was that easy we wouldn't need TAM, now would we?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Now, Will, if it was that easy we wouldn't need TAM, now would we?


It is that easy, isn't it? There are certain things you should not tolerate in a marriage. Secrecy is one of them.

Investigation and evidence-gathering has its place if you really are unsure of what your spouse is up to AND they give you full access to everything and you still can't figure it out, and monitoring is OK after the fact to see if they do what they promised. But when they tell you "this is my private phone and you can't see it" it really is tantamount to saying "I'm cheating on you and I don't want to stop." No reason to tolerate it. If they choose divorce over showing you their phone, what they really are saying is "I refuse to end my affair."


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You should grab the undewear she wore out on her "date" and have them tested for semen. 

She didn't go window shopping, I'm betting she went to his place. check the phone log just after she left home.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Make sure you do NOT let her back you off, saying she is entitled to privacy

There is NO privacy in a mge---by taking vows together, you both agreed to be an open book to each other

She wanted privacy she should have stayed single

You know she is hiding something---no one NOT hiding something takes there phone to the bathroom with them----in a mge---the phone should NEVER be locked, and PASSWORDED----when you do confront---make sure you let her know the above points, cuz she is gonna try and back you down, with the privacy argument


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Noah2150 said:


> She told me how much she love me this afternoon, yet she talked to this guy for almost an hour this morning on her way to work. Is she trying to throw me off? This is stressing me out soo much.


That's the hallmark, together with the phone in the shower thing. No one takes their phone in the shower except someone who needs to hide their phone from their spouse.

The hallmark I'm referring to is the calls just before and just after work. These are the "how are you honey" calls that she should be having with you. She probably does, but if you look at the phone bill, she's blabbing to him for 20, 30, 60 minutes, and your phone calls last about 30 seconds.

This was my husband's calling pattern.

I'd say all of this adds up. You need that VAR yesterday.

I will disagree with Will this one time (because Will_Kane is the dude): I would get a VAR. You sound like you need to convince yourself. We're convinced, but you aren't, not quite. Sometimes you need to hear it for yourself to spur you into action. Just five minutes of a VAR would've changed my life. But it never once occurred to me to buy one...I just remained puzzled by the surgical phone attachment, until the evidence fell into my lap.


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## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> That's the hallmark, together with the phone in the shower thing. No one takes their phone in the shower except someone who needs to hide their phone from their spouse.
> 
> The hallmark I'm referring to is the calls just before and just after work. These are the "how are you honey" calls that she should be having with you. She probably does, but if you look at the phone bill, she's blabbing to him for 20, 30, 60 minutes, and your phone calls last about 30 seconds.
> 
> ...


I agree, i had to thank the freaking Iphone for dying, him changing it and leaving the old one at home, which AT&T left activated and my mother in law took to my room (she was home babysitting so I could get to a meeting) thinking it was mine when the AM sex messages started. I always knew but needed the evidence!


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

[Sigh]

How do we know that you won't again ignore the advice that you're getting?

Your wife is cheating on you and because of your desire to save the marriage you're in a position of weakness. Take your power back and file for divorce (you can always call it off) and let the chips fall where they may.

Life's too short to spend it chasing after someone that doesn't want to be with you.


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