# fallen out of love with hubby! need advice/help!!!



## kaybabyxoxo (Jul 31, 2011)

Hello everyone. This is my first post so I'm hoping I can get some great advice from those who are willing to help. I'm 22 years old and I've been married for a year and 3 months. My husband and I have dated for a year before we got married, and honestly the only reason why we did was because he got me pregnant. I was raised in a strong, Christian background (my dad's a pastor), and I feel like I was pressured to marry him because of my dad's title. I didn't want his congregation to judge him and look at him differently because of my mistakes. Anyway, the beginning of our marriage was kinda okay. But it got worse as the pregnancy went on. He would leave me to hang out with his friends and smoke pot all night long every single day. I would feel so depressed and lonely but he didn't care. He wasn't there at all during the pregnancy and the only people I can turn to were my parents. My husband is a very negative, evil and manipulating, hard headed and selfish person. He thinks he is better than everyone. I always hear negative, rude comments coming out of his mouth about other people that he doesn't even know. I hate that about it, he has no right to judge. He's a very angry person and is always finding reasons to be mad about AND then finds a way to blame it on me. Sometime I think it's because of his age (he's 20), and I know it takes more time for guys to mature. But I just find him really irritating and annoying. His jokes aren't funny, he doesn't care about anyone but himself, he's very money hungry and cheap! Ever since we dated I would always be the one paying for everything. Things got so bad that I even had to put a restraining order on him while I was 6 months pregnant. He threw the biggest, most immature fit @ my parent's house, threatening to kill them! I knew I had to go to the cops right away.

Well 2-3 months later, I decided to take the restraining order off because I wanted him to be there for our son's delivery. And funny thing was I knew that I was going to regret what I did and it was the biggest mistake of my life. He continuously promised me things but of course, never kept his word. He would constantly lie and lie and lie to me about everything. And I knew he was lying because he got caught 90% of the time. (he's not a very smart person...) Things got better after our son was born. But that didn't last long either. He started leaving me again to go out with his buddies and never helped me with the baby. He was doing anything and everything an irresponsible, immature, cold-hearted, selfish person could do. He put me in debt, tried to make me lose my job a couple times (threatened my manager), stole money from me, etc. We would fight every single day about every single thing and what pissed me off was he thought I was being the bad person and blamed everything on me. He would say hurtful things and verbally abuse me on a daily routine. I was so stressed out and felt trapped and even thought of suicide because of this guy! I have completely sacrificed so much for him and lost all my friends because of him and this is how he repays me?! Things got so bad and one day it just turned physical. He decided to put his hands on me and I knew then our marriage was over. I wasn't going to let him get away with it so I did the right thing and called the cops. That hurt me so bad to see him get arrested but a part of me felt relieved and at peace. I knew he was going to be locked up for a good couple months because he had violated probation. I honestly thought to myself I never ever wanna see this guy ever again. I hated him so much for all the pain he put me through and couldn't care less if he ended up dead. I have fallen in love with him, even after all the bs, and he still managed to hurt me more.

But I just couldn't let go. I knew I had to put up with him for the rest of my life just cause he's the father of my child. I wanted us to have a perfect little family and all I wanted him to do was just step up and be a man and take care of his responsibilities. I visited him every single weekend and he would say stuff like he regret everything he's done to me and he believes that God let this happened for a reason. He made me believe that he really changed. Stupid me, I fell for his tricks again. 

So he got released last month. First 2 weeks were great. He acted like a normal human being and even took care of our son while I was working. But recently he's been trying to look for a job. He's been in touch with his friends again and he's been wandering off again the past couple of nights. I am so upset and angry because I knew this was going to happen. Now I'm all alone, feeling depressed again, because I have no one to talk to. He's my husband, he's supposed to be my partner in life and my best friend. I'm supposed to turn to him and share my problems with him but I feel like I'm alone again. He tells me that we're both going to have to work for it and do our best to keep this marriage going but I feel like I'm the only one trying. But that's just the thing, it's always been me who tries to make it work. I've been the adult, the responsible parent. I'm the one who works and pays for all the bills. Does he really not expect me to be stressed out? I don't understand what I'm doing wrong. I'm letting him play his mind games again and I know that the only way out is just to leave him. But I think about my son and I don't want to ruin his life. I can't imagine living without a father and they play a very important role in a child's life. But he hasn't done anything for him anyway so what's the point? He says we need to go to counseling and stuff but I really don't think that's going to help. I'm willing to give it a try, but it looks like he's just saying stuff for the heck of it. I really really don't know what to do. I know getting a divorce would hurt my family so much because they have tried to help make this work so much. And it would ruin my dad's reputation even more. I'm so sad all the time and I'm not the cheery, happy person I used to be anymore. I want to be happy again and I know life's short, there are better things for me out there. But I just don't know if I can do it. I've tried so many times, but I just fall right back to him. What should I do? Someone pleaseeeeeee HELP!!


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## rfAlaska (Jul 28, 2011)

One question you can ask yourself is, "What do you gain by staying in the relationship?" He doesn't work, he doesn't support you, he's not a good companion, he has been physically violent with you and he smokes pot regularly.

From my perspective, the only thing you really gain by staying is preserving your father's reputation. Honestly, I seriously doubt that your father cares more about that than he does about you.

Get the guy out of your life, which may not be easy, but he's doing nothing for you now and is showing consistent patterns of destructive behavior. There's no point in keeping him around, I'm not sure what you see in the guy. You're young, you're likely a nice lady, you deserve someone who is willing to support you, love you and care about someone other than himself. Move back home, you won't be lonely and your parents can help you have the strength to go through with leaving the guy.

I think the way to destroy your son's life is to stay married. Your husband is not likely to change.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

You mentioned your husband broke probation after he physically assaulted you. If you decide to divorce this man, the court will seriously consider his criminal record. The chances are good the only way he would get visitation rights with his child is if they were supervised; in other words, another person would have to be present during each visit.

Just a hunch, but I don't think he would want to see his son so often if he had to go through that much hassle. The fact that he is already back to his old ways of hanging with his friends tells me he might not be there much for his child.

Please go see an attorney. I don't think you want a man like this in your child's life. You are young, and you can rebuild and move on. You and your little one certainly deserve far better than what you have with this guy.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

You need distance from this man, and he needs therapy. Then, once he starts to get it, you need to be able to watch him from a distance. I would not get emotionally involved with him until he could show that he has had a heart change. He needs a very strict structure around him until he can start to develop behaviors that are good which lead to a change inside. However, it's such a long and hard road, it very well might not be worth it for you.


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