# New to forum - Lack of Intimacy



## stlsundevil (Jun 10, 2013)

So I'm new to the forum and am looking for some thoughts from others male or female that have dealt with this issue of loss of intimacy. I want to start by saying that I'm not looking for someone to analyze my situation and tell me what is wrong and what I should do. We have looked into counseling and any of that will be done in private. I'm more looking for input from others that have had similar issues and might talk about what helped them.

My wife and I have been married for 13 years, but together for 15 (and we knew each other as friends for 2 years prior to dating). We are in our early 40's. Our intimacy and sex life has been up and down, but sex right now it is at it's most critical stage. Initially our sex life was great. We were totally into each other and had sex 4-5 times a week or more. This continued until my wife became pregnant with our first child. The sex slowed down considerably, as it so be expected, during the pregnancy and while our daughter was young. We then had another child a few years later and the slow period continued. We still had sex on average about 2-3 times a week, but I was almost always the one that initiated it. If I made a point of not initiating sex, then we might go a few weeks before she would initiate it. After the kids got a little older the sex life picked back up again. Then all of a sudden a few years ago when my wife hit 40 she exploded and wanted sex every day, multiple times a day. We were having sex so much that I was having trouble performing on occasion as I was a little bored with it. I also openly questioned what caused this drastic change. She claimed it was just that the kids were now older and she had more energy. That phase lasted about 6 months and then it segued back into the active 4-5 times a week pattern that was the norm in our marriage. I would still initiate it more, but she would as well.

Fast forward to now. My wife has totally lost interest in sex. We have sex maybe once a week and it's generally her just having sex with me out of obligation. It's barely even worth the effort. After a while I started questioning her and she says that sex just doesn't feel very good and she has no mental desire to have sex at all. She says it's not me at all, but it's hard for me to not feel responsible. And it's not just about sex either. My wife is not being affectionate in any way. I think this is partially because in our relationship any physical contact has usually led to the bedroom eventually.

Thoughts?


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Everything sounds fantastic.

She had a HD before having kids.

Then after having the kids, her sex drive dropped a lot. That is normal because of hormonal changes and the stress of raising two kids.

Then the kids got older and are out much of the time and her sex drive starts to increase. Makes sense.

Then at 40 her sex drive explodes and she wants it like crazy, to the point you can't handle her.

6 months later, her sex drive plummets and its minimal to nothing now.

Maybe she was pre - menopausal, had a hormone spike and now is going through menopause causing the sex drive to disappear?


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## stlsundevil (Jun 10, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> Everything sounds fantastic.
> 
> She had a HD before having kids.
> 
> ...


You'll have to excuse my lack of knowledge of the acronyms. What is HD?


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

HD is high sex drive

LD is low sex drive

AD is average sex drive


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Try some non-sexual intimacy. Kissing, hugs, cuddling. I know it can be difficult when you don't see a "release" in the near future but try.

When I went to marriage counseling, one of the first things the MC told us was to have a week of "ass grabbing", meaning playful touching, kissing, physical closeness with no expectation of sex for a week. At the time we were having sex maybe once every three weeks (I wanted sex maybe 4-5 times a week, so I was pretty frustrated).

We did that and after six days we couldn't resist and had passionate sex. We are now a lot more sexually active... not necessarily meeting my high drive but a lot more than her low drive.


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