# Update: Are they still with the AP after 2 years?



## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Just curious for those people whose spouses left for someone else, did they make it past the two-year mark? We hear that affairs burn out after two years, so I'm wondering if anything occurred during that time (marriage, new child, etc.).


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

For what it's worth, my parents divorced in mid 80s, at around 40 years old. Both remarried within a year to who were affair partners. 28 years later everyone still happily married. No kids in either marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

My dad is still with his AP, aka my step-monster, 26 years later


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

My exBIL married and is still with his AP which took up the last 6 years of his marriage to my sister.

My exH threw his AP under a bus after I filed for a divorce...... but it was still an exit affair.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

My XWW is not. In the end, her AP refused to leave his wife.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

My father and his gutter-sl*t wh*re AP have been married for a few years now. I just don't get it... she's dumb as dirt and ugly as sin. She is in every way a downgrade when compared to my mother.

Even one of his buddies told him, "Don't you know that when you dump your old lady for another woman that you're supposed to find someone younger and prettier?"

What a dumb f*ck.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> My father and his gutter-sl*t wh*re AP have been married for a few years now. I just don't get it... she's dumb as dirt and ugly as sin. She is in every way a downgrade when compared to my mother.
> 
> Even one of his buddies told him, "Don't you know that when you dump your old lady for another woman that you're supposed to find someone younger and prettier?"
> 
> What a dumb f*ck.


Gus, that's the problem, isn't it? We just don't understand what drives folks to affairs. Sure, there are some common situations, but there are always things that don't fit.

Clearly your father sees something in her because they are still together.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

> What a dumb f*ck.


bahahahaha(spits coffee all over the computer)

Sorry for you an your mom.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

My uncle did the same as your dad Gus. He's been with his AP for 40 years now. We joke that it is his sentence for his affair. 

He had two kids with his first wife, so we all stay in contact fairly well. I see my ex-aunt at all of the typical events - weddings, graduations and so on. She's aged very well and is a sweet lady. My 'new' aunt didn't age well and isn't anywhere near as nice.

My sis married her AP. They've been together for 15 years now. I wouldn't say strongly one way or another on the different BIL. The first was a very good guy who was gutted by what my sis did to him. It took him 5 or so years to get his life back on track. He's happily married now with 3 kids to a great woman. My new BIL was married to a bipolar woman, and by comparison my sis was an improvement. She's 'only' BPD, not quite as crazy. I think he considers it an improvement. I'm also not going to be shocked if he bails the moment my younger nephew hits 18.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

sidney2718 said:


> Gus, that's the problem, isn't it? We just don't understand what drives folks to affairs. Sure, there are some common situations, but there are always things that don't fit.
> 
> Clearly your father sees something in her because they are still together.


No, I understand it. They had intimacy issues. But he never stopped to consider that it was perhaps years and years of his own sh*tty behavior that not only brought them about, but ensured that they'd persist.

They could've gone to counseling, and I'm all but 100% convinced that my mother brought it up... and probably more than once. His standard reply would've likely been "We can't afford it." Fair enough. My parents did very well prior to about 1987-88, when the bottom sort of dropped out of the local construction industry. After that, things were very tight. Don't get me wrong, my parents always provided for my brother and I, but Dad still spent plenty of $$$ drinking himself into a stupor every night. That money could have EASILY been spent on counseling.

I'm also about 95% sure that his affair w/ his current wife wasn't his first.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Wonder how many of these AP's blame the BS for the personality and general discord instead of their choice in a spouse? You know they all have the same person someone else divorced.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I'm wondering how many stay with their AP out of pride? I mean if they break up then they have to admit to others and themselves that they made a mistake. The AP isn't their soulmate.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

soccermom2three said:


> I'm wondering how many stay with their AP out of pride? I mean if they break up then they have to admit to others and themselves that they made a mistake. The AP isn't their soulmate.


If they didn't admit it within something as serious and life changing as their marriage before the divorce, they likely won't in subsequent relationships, marriage or not.


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

My dad is still with his AP going on all most 30 years now


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

2ntnuf said:


> bahahahaha(spits coffee all over the computer)
> 
> Sorry for you an your mom.


Don't be sorry for us. We're all doing relatively well. He's the one wallowing in his self-imposed misery.

He tried several times to get my mother to take him back, even after the divorce. _But he'd be calling her from OW's house when he did it._ AYFKM?!?

My brother got all involved in their business early on and tried to get our father to do the right thing. I largely stayed out of it, but I made damn sure that my father knew how completely he'd disappointed me, and I urged my mother to file for divorce from Day 1. In the end, it was evidence that my brother provided that convinced Mama that she'd been in a false reconciliation, and that Dad was still in contact w/ his AP; he (my brother) gave Mama pages and pages and pages of records showing her that Dad and his AP never stopped talking and texting. Oh, and they worked together as well, though supposedly one of them had been moved to a different shift. Yeah, right. Whatever.

Mama made out like a bandit in the divorce, by the way. They didn't have much in terms of liquid assets to divide, but she did get the house... and stuck him w/ the mortgage! LOL My brother actually wound up moving into it so that our father couldn't move his wh*re into it.

There's a LOT more to this story, but I'm not really feeling up to sharing it right now. For now I'll say only that this debacle sort of lead to the issues that wound up arising in both my marriage and my brother's marriage years later.

As for me, I've never known anyone who held his or her father in such high regard. My Dad was a Marine (and a Force Recon Marine, no less), a combat veteran, tough as nails, strong as f*ck, highly intelligent, had an intense work ethic, and was as honorable a man as ever lived anywhere... or so I thought. In another thread a few weeks ago, I posted a picture of Superman holding Captain America's shield and Thor's hammer. That's what my Dad was to me.

I've tried to "let go" of everything and forgive him, but I just can't do it... After the divorce, Mama moved "back home" to eastern NC -- 1200 miles away. Prior to that, my parents lived all of 1.7 miles down the road from my wife and I. I could go see them anytime that I wanted. That's forever gone.

I can never again be in the same room w/ both of my parents w/o feeling a very pensive uneasiness. I can never again see both my mother and my father on Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, any of our birthdays... or any other day, for that matter. That's what has been taken from me. It was more valuable to me than all the gold in Fort Knox... and it's been stolen from me.

I'll hate that f*cking wh*re forever.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

larry.gray said:


> My uncle did the same as your dad Gus. He's been with his AP for 40 years now. We joke that it is his sentence for his affair.
> 
> *He had two kids with his first wife, so we all stay in contact fairly well. I see my ex-aunt at all of the typical events - weddings, graduations and so on. She's aged very well and is a sweet lady. My 'new' aunt didn't age well and isn't anywhere near as nice.*
> 
> My sis married her AP. They've been together for 15 years now. I wouldn't say strongly one way or another on the different BIL. The first was a very good guy who was gutted by what my sis did to him. It took him 5 or so years to get his life back on track. He's happily married now with 3 kids to a great woman. My new BIL was married to a bipolar woman, and by comparison my sis was an improvement. She's 'only' BPD, not quite as crazy. I think he considers it an improvement. I'm also not going to be shocked if he bails the moment my younger nephew hits 18.


My aunt (Dad's younger sister) and mother are still very close, and they talk w/ each other regularly. My younger cousins also still consider Mama to be their aunt, and they largely want nothing to do w/ either my Dad or his current wife.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

soccermom2three said:


> I'm wondering how many stay with their AP out of pride? I mean if they break up then they have to admit to others and themselves that they made a mistake. The AP isn't their soulmate.


:iagree: Strongly.

That and realizing that running off with the first AP was a trade-down and that doing it over again is only going to result in going downhill further.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/10014513-post15.html

Gus,

I don't want to say I know the feeling, but I think I do, when you say that you just can't bring yourself to associate with them in any way. I think, when it's family, it tears something inside that can't be repaired. 

I get a sick feeling when I see anyone involved with my separation and divorce. I don't mean the first one either. I mean the second one. I'm surprisingly not ashamed of my responsibility for the demise of the first. I am disgusted and sickened by my family, my second ex, and her family, and even the level to which she stooped in the dirtbags she dated. 

She, was such a shock to me. I don't think humans are capable of true forgiveness in the purest definition. I think we forgive as we each are able. The rest is just dealing with the scars they caused.

And, forgive me if I assumed too much about you. I know the rage I felt just this week when my brother drove by and stopped to talk with me was more than I've felt in a long time. I do mean rage. I don't want to tell you my thoughts. I got away from him as quick as I could. And, he didn't do the things others who are not related did to me. 

At this point, I can only pray for myself. Given the right circumstances, I don't know what I would choose to do. I don't want to find out. Best to stay far away.


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## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

Who knows if they are really happily remarried? They were actors in the first place. Who wants to admit a double defeat?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

2ntnuf said:


> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/10014513-post15.html
> 
> Gus,
> 
> ...


Well, like I said, there's more to the story... Up until around July/August of last year, I'd mostly sort of resolved myself to tolerate my father's wife and her children as much as possible... I didn't go out of my way to associate w/ any of them, but if I happened to see them out and about or at a family gathering, I'd at least be cordial.

This all changed once some things came to light about the true nature of the relationship between her youngest son and my SIL. What really drove it home for me was learning that *she was actually encouraging him (her youngest son) to pursue my SIL.* But none of this actually came out until AFTER my brother had already cheated on my SIL. (Oddly enough, though, several people -- myself, my wife, my mother, and my aunt, as well as others -- had expressed concern to my brother in the years leading up to this discovery that they seemed to be waaaaay too close.)

It truly is a very odd and unique situation.


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## Iver (Mar 8, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> My father and his gutter-sl*t wh*re AP have been married for a few years now. I just don't get it... she's dumb as dirt and ugly as sin. She is in every way a downgrade when compared to my mother.
> 
> Even one of his buddies told him, "Don't you know that when you dump your old lady for another woman that you're supposed to find someone younger and prettier?"
> 
> What a dumb f*ck.


Gus,

In your world 2 + 2 = 4; in their world 2 + 2 = 9.

That's the best I can come up with to explain the kind of behavior we've all seen.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

My uncle cheated on my aunt. He stayed with OW until his death. She is such a sycophant in her desire to be accepted by our extended family. They stayed together until his death from a stroke. So what? She was a big step down from aunt who was a professor of American lit. My aunt stuck by him when he was arrested for income tax evasion and he paid her back by taking up with OW, who was married at the time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheGoodGuy (Apr 22, 2013)

soccermom2three said:


> I'm wondering how many stay with their AP out of pride? I mean if they break up then they have to admit to others and themselves that they made a mistake. The AP isn't their soulmate.


This. I believe that a lot of times when the AP relationship does last for a while it is solely because they do not want to admit failure of yet another relationship. 

That said, my ExW's AP relationship only lasted a few months, and she is now with an even bigger loser.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

LongWalk said:


> My uncle cheated on my aunt. He stayed with OW until his death. *She is such a sycophant in her desire to be accepted by our extended family.* They stayed together until his death from a stroke. So what? She was a big step down from aunt who was a professor of American lit. My aunt stuck by him when he was arrested for income tax evasion and he paid her back by taking up with OW, who was married at the time.


Man do I ever know what you mean. My father's wife used to try to "insert" herself into pictures at family gatherings. She'd also take plenty of pictures herself -- whenever I saw her w/ her camera out, I'd just pull my hat down and look the other way.

She also used to hug my wife every time we'd go to visit my Dad. My wife can't stand the b*tch, so, once I realized that it was happening (I'd usually walk in and immediately start talking w/ my Dad, somewhat oblivious to everything else around me), I'd make a point to stand in between them and, if necessary, wave the dumb skank off.

My parents' divorce was almost as rough on my wife and SIL as it was on my brother and I -- they both came from broken homes and were (and still are) very close to my mother.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Gus,

Infidelity is destructive. My cousin (cheating uncle's daughter) married a wealthy dysfunctional guy. He cheated on and carried on the affair, flying from the East coast where OW lives to LA, where my cousin lives. He chose the right time in life to blow his marriage up. They have three teenage sons who are in to marijuana and skateboards.

The dope may have trigger major mental illness in one boy. Dad's disappearance or diminished role in their lives, since they do not accept his cheating, has just screwed them all up. They have two houses worth a fair amount of money but both were inherited and thus not communal property.

My cousin faces real economic hardship. In her mid 50s she now has to go back to school to get a graduate degree so that she can get a better paying job at the college where she teaches. Luckily her employer likes her. But at her age this a major trauma.

I am sure there are nice cheaters who know they have done wrong. But they are in the minority. Many cheaters are just escaping responsibility. I am sure there are many who would like to cancel the new relationship to restore their old life. But the old life is by definition destroyed.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Cheaters sometimes prosper and go on to have good relationships. Good people sometimes suffer. That's life.


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## tonedef (Aug 7, 2014)

soccermom2three said:


> I'm wondering how many stay with their AP out of pride? I mean if they break up then they have to admit to others and themselves that they made a mistake. The AP isn't their soulmate.[/QU Not always out of pride, but if someone went through all that trouble and caused heartache, you dont want it to be over nothing, you want the ends to justify the means so to speak.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

soccermom2three said:


> I'm wondering how many stay with their AP out of pride? I mean if they break up then they have to admit to others and themselves that they made a mistake. The AP isn't their soulmate.


I wonder the same thing, myself.

In my ex wife's case, I believe she is still with OM. They did get married less than two years after we split up, but she also moved to his country, so that could have been the reason for marriage (I recall her saying when we were younger that she wasn't much into marriage, didn't see the point, etc etc etc, but her parents did, hence our wedding, I guess). To get married a second time seems rather like it was for citizenship purposes, to stay in the country, be able to work, whatever.

I really don't spend much time thinking about it, but if I had to guess, she's probably happiER with OM than she was with me, and that's probably good enough for her.

But when I really start to think about it, I do wonder if she's just going through the motions as she has so much invested with him already and nowhere else to go, really.

The entire time we were together, she had zero interest in travel, especially to Europe. She knew no other languages, and had no desire to learn any. (nor was she linguistically or mathematically adept). She even thought the accent of the people who's country she now lives in was equal parts hilarious and awful to listen to, and felt the language was "ugly". After 5-ish years over there, I'd be surprised, having known her as long as I did, that she is fluent enough to blend in and work, but who knows?

I do know they moved back here a couple of years ago, but it didn't last long before they moved back. I presume she was homesick and wanted to be able to work (afaik she was only able to get crappy little jobs over there, like a bar girl). But that speaks volumes to me, that she/they moved over here for a short time, only to move back.

So either she's grown up and matured and this guy really IS the love of her life, or she's wallowing over there, unhappy and stuck, afraid to admit she jumped the gun. Nothing that I've heard through the grapevine points to her being completely happy where she is, but I guess as long as she's happy with HIM, it doesn't really matter. It could be her pride keeping her from admitting defeat, though.

I don't really care, and I'll never know anyway. Our relationship didn't end well enough for either of us to look each other up later on in life and catch up. I think if I ever saw her walking down the street, I might nod at her and that's about it, and I'm not even sure she'd do the same.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

My dad married his AP... that was about 15 years ago. A friend of mine also married his AP, and they have been together for 14 years.

I also however know of two affairs (one was a few months, I believe... the other about 2 years) -- neither of those worked out. In the shorter one the BS chose to R with his wife (even though this is her 2nd offense - the first occurred right before they married). In the 2nd (longer) A the AP walked away and the WS ended up in rehab and intense IC shortly after.


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## davecarter (Aug 15, 2013)

My ex-wife is currently single.
The OM#1 she left me for....well, that lasted all of 81/2 months before the boredom set in (_either that or cold-hard realization_)...and out of nowhere, right on-cue came my so-called 'friend', who turned out to be OM#2.

He actually was far worse for her: he truly f*cked with her head and, in a strange sense of karma, made her see how f*cked-up she was anyway.


Glad I'm out of that clusterf*cuk.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

My stbx only managed to keep the new “soulmate” for around 4 months before she got tossed out of his house. 

My brothers first wife held onto to her affair partner for almost a year. The guy actually dumped her the day the divorce got finalized.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

My ex's new life lasted 3 weeks. She remarried about 4 years later and our daughter tells me she is unhappy.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

My xw moved into the POSOM home when I found the text messages, literally walked upstairs, loaded a suitcase, walked down the street, moved in with him. They were married 7 months later, (July, 2012) and remain married today. They moved to the country about a year ago. She is not allowed to have her own cell phone, does not have a land line. Recently she was offered my daughters old lap top so that she might be able to Skype with my 3year old granddaughter who lives 1200 miles away in Florida (who she has only seen once in last two years) but he told her no, as all she would do is get on inappropriate websites. (Said in front of my daughter during the one visit). She has not seen or talked to our youngest (23) in three years. She told a mutual friend during a surprise meeting at a store that she has never been happier, I don't believe her. As I type this I am at my daughters in Florida for my third trip this year, and I have 133 missed Skype calls from my granddaughter...lol. She calls me on her own with her IPad, we talk every day.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Hoosier said:


> My xw moved into the POSOM home when I found the text messages, literally walked upstairs, loaded a suitcase, walked down the street, moved in with him. They were married 7 months later, (July, 2012) and remain married today. They moved to the country about a year ago. She is not allowed to have her own cell phone, does not have a land line. Recently she was offered my daughters old lap top so that she might be able to Skype with my 3year old granddaughter who lives 1200 miles away in Florida (who she has only seen once in last two years) but he told her no, as all she would do is get on inappropriate websites. (Said in front of my daughter during the one visit). She has not seen or talked to our youngest (23) in three years. She told a mutual friend during a surprise meeting at a store that she has never been happier, I don't believe her. As I type this I am at my daughters in Florida for my third trip this year, and I have 133 missed Skype calls from my granddaughter...lol. She calls me on her own with her IPad, we talk every day.


That is a sad story.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Lol my cheating x was with her partner about a month. Then he dumped her. And I wouldn't take her back. 

Bummer for her I guess


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Wolf1974 said:


> Lol my cheating x was with her partner about a month. Then he dumped her. And I wouldn't take her back.
> 
> Bummer for her I guess


Lol. She tried to get you back??

Years ago, I dreamed of that scenario...


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

Hoosier said:


> My xw moved into the POSOM home when I found the text messages, literally walked upstairs, loaded a suitcase, walked down the street, moved in with him. They were married 7 months later, (July, 2012) and remain married today. They moved to the country about a year ago. *She is not allowed to have her own cell phone, does not have a land line.* Recently she was offered my daughters old lap top so that she might be able to Skype with my 3year old granddaughter who lives 1200 miles away in Florida (who she has only seen once in last two years) but *he told her no, as all she would do is get on inappropriate websites.* (Said in front of my daughter during the one visit). She has not seen or talked to our youngest (23) in three years. She told a mutual friend during a surprise meeting at a store that she has never been happier, I don't believe her. As I type this I am at my daughters in Florida for my third trip this year, and I have 133 missed Skype calls from my granddaughter...lol. She calls me on her own with her IPad, we talk every day.


Of course he's not going to let her have a phone, or a computer. He figures that she'd cheat on him for sure.

It's kinda ironic when your liberator becomes your overlord.

I'll bet since they've been together, that she ain't been his "one and only", either.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

alexm said:


> Lol. She tried to get you back??
> 
> Years ago, I dreamed of that scenario...


Nope I gave that no option. When you tell someone they disgust you they kinda get the point.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I have no idea how long my xWW was with the OM, I just know that the guy she's married to today isn't him. OM probably didn't want her anymore once she was divorced.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

It's like a coin flip or something.

Probably all of these affairs followed the same script (flirting, escalation, EA to PA) and ended with ILYBINILWY to the BS, and yet some got dumped or fizzled out and others didn't. 

For the APs who stayed together, I wonder if friends and families realize how much cake-eating and Plan B'ing was really going on as the WS tries to spin a romantic love story and blame the BS.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Hoosier said:


> My xw moved into the POSOM home when I found the text messages, literally walked upstairs, loaded a suitcase, walked down the street, moved in with him. They were married 7 months later, (July, 2012) and remain married today. They moved to the country about a year ago. She is not allowed to have her own cell phone, does not have a land line. Recently she was offered my daughters old lap top so that she might be able to Skype with my 3year old granddaughter who lives 1200 miles away in Florida (who she has only seen once in last two years) but he told her no, as all she would do is get on inappropriate websites. (Said in front of my daughter during the one visit). She has not seen or talked to our youngest (23) in three years. She told a mutual friend during a surprise meeting at a store that she has never been happier, I don't believe her. As I type this I am at my daughters in Florida for my third trip this year, and I have 133 missed Skype calls from my granddaughter...lol. She calls me on her own with her IPad, we talk every day.


During my stbx time in wonderland it was similar. The om would not allow internet in his house, she could not use the cellphone at his house and no matter what it was lights out at 11:00. 

You think that when he started to not let her move more items into his house out of mine she would have gotten the hint.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Wolf1974 said:


> Lol my cheating x was with her partner about a month. Then he dumped her. And I wouldn't take her back.
> 
> Bummer for her I guess


Mine was similar, only she waited until her share of the money ran out and she had to get an actual job. Once that happened, I was the best thing ever... that was a big hell no.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

So, how many men would take her back after her having her garden seeded with so many different crops?

If you would take her back, what would you do when you see the old AP(s)? What would you say, or would you say nothing?

Does anyone feel like they want to warn the new boyfriend of how she is? How do you handle that?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

2ntnuf said:


> So, how many men would take her back after her having her garden seeded with so many different crops?


My wife engaged in 2 EAs. PA would've been a dealbreaker. And, at this point, another EA would be a dealbreaker.



2ntnuf said:


> If you would take her back, what would you do when you see the old AP(s)? What would you say, or would you say nothing?


I'd either say nothing/do nothing, or I'd probably say something to goad him/them into a physical confrontation. After that, all I'm doing is defending myself. 



2ntnuf said:


> Does anyone feel like they want to warn the new boyfriend of how she is? How do you handle that?


It depends... If I felt like he was a decent guy, I'd probably warn him; otherwise, I wouldn't say a damn thing to him.

If children were involved, however, I'd take whatever approach that I felt needed to be taken in order to ensure their general well-being.


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## Served Cold (May 25, 2014)

Soulmate Other Man dumped my wife when I divorced her. 

She's still single a few years later. She has tried to get me back in these past years. I don't hate her, if anything I feel sorry for her in a way. But...no way....she's in the past and that's where I will keep it.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Served Cold said:


> Soulmate Other Man dumped my wife when I divorced her.
> 
> She's still single a few years later. She has tried to get me back in these past years. I don't hate her, if anything I feel sorry for her in a way. But...no way....she's in the past and that's where I will keep it.


How bad was her shock from being dumped? Was there ever future talk between the two of them? Was he MM with kids?


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## Served Cold (May 25, 2014)

staystrong said:


> How bad was her shock from being dumped? Was there ever future talk between the two of them? Was he MM with kids?


Plenty of future talk. He was't married but had a girlfriend. His girlfriend dumped him, he dumped my wife and he married someone else a year later after my divorce. Thankfully no kids involved. I'm sure it would have more difficult if we'd had children to walk away.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

For sure. With kids is a completely different story.

You were right to just cut the cord and move on.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Wolf1974 said:


> Nope I gave that no option. When you tell someone they disgust you they kinda get the point.


Just to widen this to relationships in general, I can think of 2 ex friends who made the parting shot "never speak to / contact me again."

I don't understand these people who say things like that and then come back few years later as if they had never said anything so odious. the only think I think is, if I had done this first, what would have been your reaction,

In any case, the world is massive, 7 billion people. I don't have to settle.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> Just to widen this to relationships in general, I can think of 2 ex friends who made the parting shot "never speak to / contact me again."
> 
> I don't understand these people who say things like that and then come back few years later as if they had never said anything so odious. the only think I think is, if I had done this first, what would have been your reaction,
> 
> In any case, the world is massive, 7 billion people. I don't have to settle.


It depends on what the nature of the dispute was. It'd have to be a pretty major violation for someone to say that, even in anger.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

staystrong said:


> It depends on what the nature of the dispute was. It'd have to be a pretty major violation for someone to say that, even in anger.


No, I think there are some people who like having the last word in the argument and this comes up.

In any case, if they said and meant it, why would they try to restart a friendship with me?


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Because they mellowed out about it and still like you?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

staystrong said:


> Because they mellowed out about it and still like you?


and you don't believe that that's what could have happened in Wolf's case.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Not sure what you mean. Her trying to win him back, or him telling her FU?

She cheated. Big issue there.


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## tonedef (Aug 7, 2014)

I personally do not understand how a WS just crawls right back. What kind of arrogant thinking do they have to actually think they deserve another chance? Also the perceived problems that led to the affair just did not go away, and unless you are truly remourseful, will just leave the WS open to have another one. I am still with my ap, but were I dumped, I would not even try to go back. If I truly loved him, I wouldnt have intentionally messed that up, and he will get that chance to find someone who does.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Yep, it's arrogance all right. 

I think that if you were in a marriage which was "happy" until the WS met the AP, it could be the case that someone is so in the fog they don't see beyond their own self-interest. And when the fog lifts, boom, they realize how much they f'ed up. They love and basically were already in love with their spouse, but they went wayward and became very self-absorbed. Nobody wants to be Plan B, however, but maybe they are still so shocked and still "in love", they believe the person will wake up and realize what a terrible fool they've been and try to make up for it all. I think it's different when you have children, and the WS seems to have undergone such a radical change in personality.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

2ntnuf said:


> So, how many men would take her back after her having her garden seeded with so many different crops?
> 
> If you would take her back, what would you do when you see the old AP(s)? What would you say, or would you say nothing


I posted about this a while ago when one of my coworkers first told me the story. 20 years ago he caught his wife planning to cheat - and when he confronted she bailed. 

He had led a wild life before marriage and she was a religious woman who'd never been with any other man. She tamed him, got him going to church and leading a family life. Then she hits mid life and has a major MLC. 

They divorce and he remarries. Ex-wife goes into total party mode. Going out to the bars and bringing home a different guy every weekend. My coworker hears from his son that his ex is now calming down and regretting what she did. She's saying that she would love to have him back.

Their son asked her just how many men she'd been with, and if she thought that would be a stumbling block. She admitted to several hundred, and that she thought "she hoped he'd be able to get over it."


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

larry.gray said:


> Their son asked her just how many men she'd been with, and if she thought that would be a stumbling block. *She admitted to several hundred,* and that she thought "she hoped he'd be able to get over it."


Holy sh!t, who was she, jenna jameson?


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

This can't be real. ???


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

larry.gray said:


> I posted about this a while ago when one of my coworkers first told me the story. 20 years ago he caught his wife planning to cheat - and when he confronted she bailed.
> 
> He had led a wild life before marriage and she was a religious woman who'd never been with any other man. She tamed him, got him going to church and leading a family life. Then she hits mid life and has a major MLC.
> 
> ...


HOLY. SH*T.

"Well, bye Mom."


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> HOLY. SH*T.
> 
> "Well, bye Mom."


:lol:

That would make me think plenty. Don't know if I'd say bye. I'd probably see her less and tell her less. Although, if it was a surprise, I guess it shows she Can keep secrets. 



@Larry,

Thanks for answering. I don't remember that thread. That seems like a movie script. I guess she was from a big city? 

Anyway, did he get over it? I think that would be tough. 

I've actually thought about what it might be like to unknowingly date a former prostitute. I've tried to consider that she might have been forced to do it by someone. She might have been terribly naive. She might have had no education. She might have had to take care of younger siblings. 

I'm not sure what would make it acceptable. I'm sure something would. 

No, I don't know why I've thought of that stuff. I guess the notions I've had of my ex2? Not sure.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

There will be no problem with getting over it with my coworker. He remarried and is happy with his present marriage. His new wife would be a major impediment to reconciliation.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

2ntnuf said:


> Thanks for answering. I don't remember that thread. That seems like a movie script. I guess she was from a big city?


That'd be the script for "Debbie Does Dallas... Again!!!: Extreme Cougar Gangbang Edition".


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Philat said:


> Holy sh!t, who was she, jenna jameson?


OK - I had to google the name since I had no clue who she was.

I have no clue what the gal looks like. Guys don't keep pics of ex's on their desks. She would have been in her late 30's through early 50's while this was going on. It isn't hard for a woman to rack up a high number though. Even a fat, ugly woman would get a taker every time she hits the bars.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

larry.gray said:


> There will be no problem with getting over it with my coworker. He remarried and is happy with his present marriage. *His new wife would be a major impediment to reconciliation.*


Thank God!!!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

larry.gray said:


> OK - I had to google the name since I had no clue who she was.


:lol: :rofl:



larry.gray said:


> I have no clue what the gal looks like. Guys don't keep pics of ex's on their desks. She would have been in her late 30's through early 50's while this was going on. It isn't hard for a woman to rack up a high number though. Even a fat, ugly woman would get a taker every time she hits the bars.


I'm pretty sure that Philat was responding solely to the number given.


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## davecarter (Aug 15, 2013)

larry.gray said:


> They divorce and he remarries. Ex-wife goes into total party mode. Going out to the bars and bringing home a different guy every weekend. My coworker hears from his son that his ex is now calming down and regretting what she did. She's saying that she would love to have him back.
> 
> Their son asked her just how many men she'd been with, and if she thought that would be a stumbling block. She admitted to several hundred, and that she thought "she hoped he'd be able to get over it."


Maybe she really had 'found God'.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

larry.gray said:


> OK - I had to google the name since I had no clue who she was.
> 
> I have no clue what the gal looks like. Guys don't keep pics of ex's on their desks. She would have been in her late 30's through early 50's while this was going on. It isn't hard for a woman to rack up a high number though. Even a fat, ugly woman would get a taker every time she hits the bars.


That is, if her standards aren't high. and that includes, not only the standard of the guy himself but also how he serves it up.

I guess a woman who is open to doing it in the parking lot is going to have more opportunities to choose from than a woman who was hoping for better atmosphere.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

That is just gross.... Hot dog down a hallway.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Pepper123 said:


> That is just gross.... Hot dog down a hallway.


:lol: :rofl: :lol: :rofl: :lol: :rofl: :lol: :rofl: :lol: :rofl:


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

tonedef said:


> I personally do not understand how a WS just crawls right back. What kind of arrogant thinking do they have to actually think they deserve another chance? Also the perceived problems that led to the affair just did not go away, and unless you are truly remourseful, will just leave the WS open to have another one. I am still with my ap, but were I dumped, I would not even try to go back. If I truly loved him, I wouldnt have intentionally messed that up, and he will get that chance to find someone who does.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not necessarily arrogance. It might be they simply thought the grass was greener only to find out as Erma Bombeck stated, 'the grass is only greener over the septic tank'.

So they come back to what they know.


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## davecarter (Aug 15, 2013)

Pepper123 said:


> That is just gross.... Hot dog into [email protected] Square Garden.


Fixed for you.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

staystrong said:


> This can't be real. ???


have no problem believing 100 guys o even 200 if she was willing, I have a friend that at 35 have slept with 100 women (no prostitutes), and if a man can do it (being the part to have to do the chase) then for a woman is even easier


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

NextTimeAround said:


> and you don't believe that that's what could have happened in Wolf's case.


Ohh I haven't mellowed about my x and I never will. She cheated on me and did it in my house, in our bed, with my kids asleep in the next room, while I was out of town having surgery.

As weeks went by, after d day, and we were splitting up our life she stated that the two things I said that hurt her on D Day was that she is a terrible mother and that she disgusts me. And those were absolutely true statements of how I felt that day.

And if she asked me tonight when she comes over to drop of my kids if I felt the same say my answer would still be yes 3 years later.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> Ohh I haven't mellowed about my x and I never will. She cheated on me and did it in my house, in our bed, with my kids asleep in the next room, while I was out of town having surgery.
> 
> As weeks went by, after d day, and we were splitting up our life she stated that the two things I said that hurt her on D Day was that she is a terrible mother and that she disgusts me. And those were absolutely true statements of how I felt that day.
> 
> And if she asked me tonight when she comes over to drop of my kids if I felt the same say my answer would still be yes 3 years later.


Word.


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## TheGoodGuy (Apr 22, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Word.


Yup
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

2 of my sisters are both with their AP's almost 30 years each. One happy, one miserable.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Well, the stats say only about 3% of _professionals _marry their AP (I guess if they have money they can be picky) which doesn't sound like a lot but considering how much infidelity run rampant nowadays its no wonder we all know at least one cheating couple still together. We only see a small fraction of whats going on from this site. 

I think 80% don't last a year and 90%+ end before 2 years. In my personally experience I see many die around the 6 month mark once its out in the open. Usually when the honeymoon stage ends (anywhere from 2 weeks to 2 years) is when the relationship goes south. Of course this is after they become a real relationship.

I know one couple that were happily married after they both cheated on their spouses (they both were kinda scumbags so deserve each other) but I know countless others that failed. It happens but its very much is the exception and they have an higher than average (75%) divorce rate.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

My mom's first husband was still married to his AP til the day he died. May aunt is still married to her AP after 20+ years.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Seems like there is more evidence here of 20-30 year marriages.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Seems like it, staystrong. Even mom's ex was married to his 2nd wife for over 20 years. Likely, closer to 30 or more.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

ArmyofJuan said:


> It happens but its very much is the exception and they have an higher than average (75%) divorce rate.


The failure rate for 2nd marriages in general is somewhere around 67% - a variance of 8% seems lower than it should be otherwise.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

I don't trust any of these common stats.

Here's one reason why.. from the comments:

"Dr. Banschick --

It's a meme. I contacted Dr. Jennifer Baker -- her email is [email protected] -- and she responded forthrightly that the statistics are not hers, that she has made great effort to get her name removed from that site, and that she gets a score or more requests every year for the same information.

The information is not out there, I would posit. It is one of those "stastistics" that apprear to serve emotional needs more than a need for a basis in reality.

You would do a HUGE service to the marital therapy arena, pastoral counselors, and psychology in general if you could write a blog post debunking this nonsense and inviting someone -- anyone! -- to do the simple non-intrusive social science that would be required to prove it so or not so.

Here is how. Marriage licenses in many states (e.g. Nevada) require that previous divorces be listed on the license. Find 1000 of those with two partners who were previously divorced, and 1000 of those with two partners where at least one of them was not previously divorced. Say, chose calendar year 2007. Cross check for five years against divorce records. Tabulate. Report. See if there's a statistically significant different.

Thank you.

statistics are not mine and I even though I've tried to get my name removed for the site, I routinely get dozens of requests a year for this information."


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

W#1 married her AP. They had a kid and have now been married since sometime in the late 80s, not exactly sure because I don't give a rip. I met the kid when she was about 13; she gave me a funny look. I avoided the opportunity to tell her that her father and mother had an affair that ended two marriages. She'll be screwed up enough as it is, having my ex as her mother. Why add to it.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

doubletrouble said:


> I avoided the opportunity to tell her that her father and mother had an affair that ended two marriages.


I'm glad to hear you were man enough not to involve a 13 year old kid as a way to gig her parents.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> She cheated on me and did it in my house, in our bed, with my kids asleep in the next room, while I was out of town having surgery.


The fact that she wasn't with you while you were having surgery should have told you something Dawg. My wife hardly lets me go to a doctors appointment without her. You ought to be shaking the hand of the guy that took her off your hands.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

ThePheonix said:


> I'm glad to hear you were man enough not to involve a 13 year old kid as a way to gig her parents.


Frankly I felt more sorry for her than anything.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Most likely feeling sorry for her was well founded DT. Be glad you're shed of your ex.


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## lovelyblue (Oct 25, 2013)

My second oldest brother his ex-wife my FSIL cheated on him and left town on him twice.

He finally gave up on her and filled for D a few months later. And now she won't stop calling and texting him about "coming back" and he ignores her lol. 

My FSIL even has the nerve to call my brothers new GF. However my first brother cheated on my 1-ex-sil he married his OW and they're still married 12yrs later-(but he cheated on her as well)


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Brother number 2 did not have kids with her, did he?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

*Re: Re: Update: Are they still with the AP after 2 years?*



ThePheonix said:


> The fact that she wasn't with you while you were having surgery should have told you something Dawg. My wife hardly lets me go to a doctors appointment without her. You ought to be shaking the hand of the guy that took her off your hands.


While I agree with your assessment regarding Wolf's situation, sometimes, it is NOT possible unless you take the kids out of school for the day, or a week or whatever. Add in the costs of hotel and some people cannot afford it. I know I couldn't if my husband had to have surgery away from here. If he had to go to the other side of the state, he would have to go alone. We don't have the money for hotel/motel stays. And my family is not close enough, now, for them to stay at my house to watch the kids. Add in not having a vehicle of our own and it's just not possible. If it was nearby, that would be different.

As for doctor appointments, I don't go with him. He gets a ride through companies contracted with our insurance right now.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

ThePheonix said:


> The fact that she wasn't with you while you were having surgery should have told you something Dawg. My wife hardly lets me go to a doctors appointment without her. You ought to be shaking the hand of the guy that took her off your hands.


She had already filed for divorce so she wasn't going to be with me regardless


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

I think it's natural for us to accept stats that indicate there is a very high rate of failure from marriage-breaking affairs. something like 90% or more. I am skeptical about this. I think that far more do stay together than that, for many reasons. 

Sometimes it's because the two of them really are better for each other, sometimes it's because they are determined not to fail this time around since they wrecked their marriage for the sake of their AP, sometimes it's because they have succeeded in blaming the X for their affair and they can live with it very easily and happily ever after, sometimes it's because they want to show their X and everyone else that they made the right choice, sometimes it's because they can't deal with their own boredom and at least the affair brought excitement into their life and they can continue to re-live that excitement from time to time.

Often times it's all of these things. Does that mean they're happy? /shrug. Who's happy nowadays? The aim of marriage isn't simply to live a happy life but to share a life, and if you're lucky, you share it body and soul. But hey, marriage isn't always going to be like that. There will be rough times with arguing and a lack of communication. That's enough reason for some people to stray and bolt.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

PreRaphaelite said:


> I think it's natural for us to accept stats that indicate there is a very high rate of failure from marriage-breaking affairs. something like 90% or more. I am skeptical about this. I think that far more do stay together than that, for many reasons.
> 
> Sometimes it's because the two of them really are better for each other, sometimes it's because they are determined not to fail this time around since they wrecked their marriage for the sake of their AP, sometimes it's because they have succeeded in blaming the X for their affair and they can live with it very easily and happily ever after, sometimes it's because they want to show their X and everyone else that they made the right choice, sometimes it's because they can't deal with their own boredom and at least the affair brought excitement into their life and they can continue to re-live that excitement from time to time.
> 
> Often times it's all of these things. Does that mean they're happy? /shrug. Who's happy nowadays? The aim of marriage isn't simply to live a happy life but to share a life, and if you're lucky, you share it body and soul. But hey, marriage isn't always going to be like that. There will be rough times with arguing and a lack of communication. That's enough reason for some people to stray and bolt.


:iagree: 100%

Sadly, some people become 'better' at marriage because they've had their 'starter' marriage or whatever. My XW has had 2 marriages so she must be really good at it now


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

PreRaphaelite said:


> I think it's natural for us to accept stats that indicate there is a very high rate of failure from marriage-breaking affairs. something like 90% or more. I am skeptical about this. I think that far more do stay together than that, for many reasons.
> 
> Sometimes it's because the two of them really are better for each other, sometimes it's because they are determined not to fail this time around since they wrecked their marriage for the sake of their AP, sometimes it's because they have succeeded in blaming the X for their affair and they can live with it very easily and happily ever after, sometimes it's because they want to show their X and everyone else that they made the right choice, sometimes it's because they can't deal with their own boredom and at least the affair brought excitement into their life and they can continue to re-live that excitement from time to time.
> 
> Often times it's all of these things. Does that mean they're happy? /shrug. Who's happy nowadays? The aim of marriage isn't simply to live a happy life but to share a life, and if you're lucky, you share it body and soul. But hey, marriage isn't always going to be like that. There will be rough times with arguing and a lack of communication. That's enough reason for some people to stray and bolt.


:iagree: Good post.

Growing up I knew several married couples who were originally affair partners. Probably five couples total, and they all stayed married until they died.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I have read through the whole thread. Pretty eye opening.

I don't know anyone who has cheated (to the point of disclosure to me or others....no one I know has left their mate for someone or married an affair partner....). These stories were interesting.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

that_girl said:


> I have read through the whole thread. Pretty eye opening.
> 
> I don't know anyone who has cheated (to the point of disclosure to me or others....no one I know has left their mate for someone or married an affair partner....). These stories were interesting.


Bet you would be surprised who among the couples you knew growing up started their marriages as affairs. 

One couple I knew and liked as a kid were really devout churchgoers, pillars of the community, well liked and very participatory in the towns society. I really liked them and thought they were a peerless example of what a married couple should be like. It wasn't until I was in college that I learned from someone that they had both been in prior marriages and left their respective ex spouses for each other. Shocked the hell out of me. I never would have imagined it. I think they stayed married for over forty years before the husband died.


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## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

Per the ?: Yes, and 2 others. The one that lasted 6 years is replacing me and the other two are replacing her.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> She had already filed for divorce so she wasn't going to be with me regardless


When they file for divorce, they've already divorced you in their mind and she was just waiting on the paperwork, so she may not look at it as cheating. To her, you were history.


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## Aethervalue (Sep 27, 2014)

My xWW had her married boss move in weeks after I left. That lasted two months then he was back with his wife and children. She tried to make something real with the ex boyfriend as well and was all sad that he only wanted her for sex. Duh. He told her that all the time for years. Actually tried to cry to me about how she loved him. Now she's endlessly dating guys from the internet and continually introducing new guys to my son. A few months ago she wanted to talk about reconciliation. I talked to her for eight or ten hours. She doesn't know how much I know. I told her if she lies to me or tries to gaslight me again I'm done. I sat there on the phone with a notepad and my DAR making notches for each lie. Later I let her know she was averaging a lie every three minutes and she could go rot in hell. Good times


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Aethervalue,

How old is your ex? She sounds desperate.

re: thread theme
Two of my uncles left their spouses for OW. On my father's side my professor uncle cheated on his professor wife. Science couldn't stay faithful to the humanities. His complaint was that she, who was very verbal, dominated him and put him down. English was not his native language. My aunt, who was nice to me, might have been a little guilty on this count, but she was proud of his achievements. He was appointed department head after betraying the Arab professor,his "friend", who was not allowed to become chair because he protest against Israel and the Jewish faculty ganged up on him. My uncle was not a loyal friend. Tells you something right there.

His affair partner was younger scientist from Eastern Europe. She left her husband and brought her daughter along. Poor kid. She spend years and years, trying become part of the larger family. But she was so pushy and obnoxious, no one could stand her.

She and my uncle stayed together until he died of a massive stroke. My uncle pretty much disinherited his own children. He left his old clothes to my male cousins and couple of thousand dollars to this two daughters. His affair wreaked havoc. He and his partner stayed together, like some congealed mess that reacted and flowed together.

My cousin told me that he probably cheated with other women before. Make someone chair of the department and they are going to travel and collect groupies.

The other cheating uncle, my mother's twin brother, was a serial cheater. One of his OW b!tch slapped my aunt and told her it was her turn to have him. They divorced. And just as on my dad's side, the kids were horrified and enraged. They did not forgive him.

He and OW had love child. Was she pregnant when she assaulted my aunt? Anyway the cousin who came is much younger than his siblings. He is nice guy. I got to know OW who married my uncle. She was very good looking and tried hard to be nice to us to get closer to our family. My mother cannot stand her brother, so he was always trying to win us over.

My uncle and aunt both suffer Alzheimer's and he beat her up. She left him but they now both live in the same nursing facility and they don't know who they are anymore. So they stayed together.

Oh, yeah, my maternal grandfather cheated on his first wife while she was dying of TB. He brought my grandmother round (his OW) to taunt her, according to my uncle. My grandparents stayed together till the bitter end. Divorce was not allowed in those days. My grandmother complained incessantly about my grandfather who gave her 13 children.


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## Aethervalue (Sep 27, 2014)

She's 33. When I feel up to it I lull her into "non judgmental" conversation. She now says that she's incapable of monogamy and doesn't believe in marriage. Was nice of her to tell me before I married her. I think she likes to imagine what her life would be like if she still had her old friends and her father didn't disown her. Though rather than think she shouldn't have cheated she thinks that I should have lied to everyone for her. Her perfect life would have been me continuing to stay home with our baby child while she went out and cheated. Complete with our happy family photos for her to put up on the Facebook account i knew she had. She has several. It makes me uncomfortable to think about the reality of my "marriage". Really should have broken up with her for good when she told me how much she loved hooking up with random guys from bars in college. And their friends. Ugh. Would have given me seven years of my life to live differently.

My mother cheated on my father. Married the guy. That lasted four years. He beat her and
... other things. In front of me. Married another guy for a year. Married a woman in California for seven months. Married another guy and that's lasted three years so far. It's super awkward when they are over as if any of us children start to talk about our lives with her she freaks out and does anything to get us to stop. Her current husband believes the biggest lies she's told him. He's super controlling and a two time ex felon with a very violent past. I think this marriage may work for her because if she cheats on him he's liable to kill her. She knows this and likes this about him. Though none of her children like her or really want anything to do with her. When I told her about my marriage ending and how much pain I was in she told me that I was being selfish and needed to think about the WW's needs. I hung up on her and haven't spoken to her since. Though he loves his grandpa and sees him every week.

Come to think of it I actually think my mother is currently legally married to at least two people in different states. She's crazy.

My sister in law cheated on my brother. He caught her and went full detective. She committed to him hard and he now tracks her every move. They are still married with three kids. He deserves better IMHO. He suffered alone and in silence. Only talked to me about it after I filed for divorce. I told my dad. None of us even knew. I can't imagine what he went through. I used to be really good friends with her. That changed suddenly. Apparently it changed while she was committed to her AP. She's very uncomfortable at our family gatherings. At least now I know why.


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## SevenYears (Jun 23, 2014)

I work with a woman who is still with her AP after 10 years together. They were both married at the time of the affair.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

SevenYears said:


> I work with a woman who is still with her AP after 10 years together. They were both married at the time of the affair.


I had a coworker a few years back like this. He had a wife who was a paraplegic as a result of a car accident. He cared for her and stayed married to her, but he had a mistress on the side for something like eight years and was still seeing her when I left that company. He would not divorce his wife because he was a devout Catholic...

My, how upstanding of him.


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## TheGoodGuy (Apr 22, 2013)

Aethervalue said:


> She now says that she's incapable of monogamy and doesn't believe in marriage. Was nice of her to tell me before I married her. I think she likes to imagine what her life would be like if she still had her old friends and her father didn't disown her. Though rather than think she shouldn't have cheated she thinks that I should have lied to everyone for her. Her perfect life would have been me continuing to stay home with our baby child while she went out and cheated. Complete with our happy family photos for her to put up on the Facebook account


This makes me sick. Reminds me of my Ex. Sorry you had to go through that.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> I had a coworker a few years back like this. He had a wife who was a paraplegic as a result of a car accident. He cared for her and stayed married to her, but he had a mistress on the side for something like eight years and was still seeing her when I left that company. He would not divorce his wife because he was a devout Catholic...
> 
> My, how upstanding of him.


Depends on what kind of agreement he had with his wife.

I read in Vanity Fair that Nigella Lawson's first husband who died of cancer accepted that his best buddy Saatchi was poking his wife.

I don't want to judge extreme cases like what you mentioned.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

ThePheonix said:


> When they file for divorce, they've already divorced you in their mind and she was just waiting on the paperwork, so she may not look at it as cheating. To her, you were history.


Well of course cheaters have to justify lol. But not what happend

Her affair is what caused her to file. She was wrapped up in the ...fog or whatever they call it and was leaving me for him. I think he told her he was leaving his wife for her but was lying just to get some action. Once the dust settled his wife took him back and I refused to take mine back. I have no clue if they still work together or hit it on occasion or what but I know they aren't a couple


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