# Porn and sex needs



## Sunshine77 (Nov 9, 2015)

My husband and I have been married for 9 months and we just had a daughter.
I love my husband very much and I feel that we have a pretty good marriage besides the fact of his porn use. 
Now let me say first, I watch porn too. I like porn and I see nothing wrong with watching porn.
But my husband chooses to watch porn than to have sex with me. I'll make a move and he will say that he's tired, but then go in the bathroom and watch porn and take care of it hisself. I feel like I have to beg him to have sex with me. This has been going even before we were married. I have a pretty high sex drive and I'm always in the mood. So he can't say he does it because it's the only way he can get any. 
I have such a hard time understanding why he wants that more than me and this has made me feel horrible about myself. 
I told him last night that if he couldn't stop watching porn so much that I wanted a divorce. But I feel so guilty over this. 
I just want him to have sex with me more. 
He says he's not horny a lot or in the mood...but yet he's always in the mood for porn!! 
I've offered to just watch it together..he refuses. 
I don't know what to do anymore.


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

porn is simple easy and quick. and you don't even necessarily need a total hard-on.
porn is like sweet chocolate candy. just pop it in and it tastes good. instant satisfaction.
no hard work, no drama, no having to please.

real sex is sometimes work. it sometimes takes time. it takes pleasing your partner.
it takes love and caring. there is sometimes drama and the pressure to perform.
'what if i don't please her?' 'how long will it take me to get off?' 'how long will it take her to get off?'
'will she give me $h!t, or tell me do do something else, not there?'

real sex is for men and women; porn is for boys or maybe that occasional release when you can't have the real thing.

the real thing is always better.


----------



## Sunshine77 (Nov 9, 2015)

How can I get him to understand that? I am willing to do whatever for him. 
I will dress up. I will get my boobs done. I've been doing squats to make my *ss look better. I am willing to do any type of sex he wants to do. I am available for him at anytime. 
He once said that I make him feel like a virgin. He got with me and I was much more sexually experienced than him. 
Maybe that has something to do with it?
He also says that I no longer make him feel like a man.


----------



## Sweetestkiss (Sep 21, 2015)

I been through a similar situation but instead of no sex at all my H would only want oral while he watches porn, I asked him was it because he wasn't attracted to me anymore, his excuse was sex is too much work and that he is not in the mood...the nights we did have sex was all was planned and it was always good I would be into it and so would he but I learned that they want too feel like a man durin sex like they are satisfying their woman so I would make him feel like it was the best sex that I ever had by complimenting how good he was, the next morning I would send him a text message while at work and tell him something like I hope you are ready for round two tonight because last night was amazing.... Just make him feel good and compliment him.... Let him know that you are enjoying the sex, spice it up.....


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Stop chasing him - it isn't working. His ego and laziness is what he cares about. 

Don't ever pursue a permanent fix for something that is temporary i.e. boob job. I suspect this guy won't be around for long and the next guy may love you just as you are. 

So, you no longer make him feel like a man? Did he elaborate or was this total blame-shifting for his lack of not wanting to have sex with you.

Since this was going on before you married, why did you get married?


----------



## Sunshine77 (Nov 9, 2015)

Sweetestkiss said:


> Just make him feel good and compliment him.... Let him know that you are enjoying the sex, spice it up.....


I do this all the time. Everytime...I even go as far as walking with my legs spread acting like he did it so good I could barley walk lol.
I would be fine with giving oral sex while he watches it. And sometimes we do that. But that isn't good enough for him. He has to have porn all the time. He even does it while he's at work during his breaks. 
I'm just so fed up with it.


----------



## Sunshine77 (Nov 9, 2015)

Blondilocks said:


> Since this was going on before you married, why did you get married?


Because he had gotten hurt and was out of work for a few months and that's when I started noticing the porn. It was 2-3 times everyday. We fought about it constantly. But then when he finally went back to work it had stopped. Our sex life was fine again so I felt good about getting married, plus I had found out I was pregnant. 
But now I catch him all the time and even does it at work.


----------



## Deguello (Apr 3, 2015)

Addiction is a choice,as a recovering addict I do have some idea about what I'm talking about do not change your body for him,I'm pretty sure you are very cute,He has to want help, Celebrate Recovery,seems to work,SAA did me no good,S.A. Did me no good.("Sexaholics anonymous") (SexAddicts).I've been sober for almost Two years,it has not been easy, otherwise it is doable.
Deguello


----------



## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

The fact he watches at work and is willing to put his job at risk (and thus your family's financial well being) points to a bigger issue here (addiction).


----------



## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Sunshine77 said:


> But now I catch him all the time and even does it at work.


Your husband has a few things going on, one of which is his unwillingness/inability to communicate this issue with you in an way that newlyweds should be able to. Another one is blatant selfishness, as it seems like he is not very concerned with your sexual unhappiness. 

There seem to be very few instances in which couples find a good and long-lasting solution to these types of issues. I hope you're the exception.


----------



## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Sunshine77 said:


> He also says that I no longer make him feel like a man.


I suspect there's a lot more to this than porn and masturbation.

Did you have sex while pregnant? Did you have sex when he was unemployed? What's the rest of the relationship like?


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Please do not make a great effort to attract him, certainly not boob jobs etc. You should not be comparing yourself to the fake people in porn.

I enjoy porn, but I would NEVER turn my wife down for porn. It is not about physical appearance but because she is a real woman who I love. 

Porn is fantasy - no more real than superman flying. Sure, it would be great if I could fly, but I'm not going to be disappointed because I can't. 

Don't stay with a man who is more attracted to images on a screen than to the woman he loves.






Sunshine77 said:


> How can I get him to understand that? I am willing to do whatever for him.
> I will dress up. I will get my boobs done. I've been doing squats to make my *ss look better. I am willing to do any type of sex he wants to do. I am available for him at anytime.
> He once said that I make him feel like a virgin. He got with me and I was much more sexually experienced than him.
> Maybe that has something to do with it?
> He also says that I no longer make him feel like a man.


----------



## Sunshine77 (Nov 9, 2015)

Chris Taylor said:


> Sunshine77 said:
> 
> 
> > He also says that I no longer make him feel like a man.
> ...


This started happening more when we had sex everyday. I wanted it everyday and he said he couldn't keep up with me. But it was because he was masterbating all day and when I got home he didn't have anything left. 
He keeps telling me that I'm wrong and I need counseling because I have low self esteem and I am insecure. But it's because of him. 
He has flat out told me that he'd rather watch porn. 
I once bought an 8 inch "toy" and it pissed him off so bad. (This is when he started rejecting sex from me) 
He ended up making me throw it away, and I did. I told him that the way the toy made him feel was how the porn makes me feel. 
He told me it wasn't she same thing.


----------



## Sunshine77 (Nov 9, 2015)

Chris Taylor said:


> I suspect there's a lot more to this than porn and masturbation.
> 
> Did you have sex while pregnant? Did you have sex when he was unemployed? What's the rest of the relationship like?


And we have a great relationship other than that. We laugh,kiss,hug..do things for one another. He is a great father. We don't lie to one another or keep secrets. (Other than that) 
He's always very romantic. We've been together for 4 years and he still does all the same things like he did in the beginning.


----------



## Sunshine77 (Nov 9, 2015)

He tries to make me think I'm crazy for being upset over it. Mainly because I watch porn too and get mad at him for it. But I have explained to him that it's not really the porn I get upset over, it's the simple fact that he rejects me for porn. Which makes me feel like I'm not good enough for him and I don't satisfy him. I've asked him what I can do for him sexually to make it better. He named some things and I have done them. He told me if I quit *****ing about it that he'd probably quit and when I did, he did it more. 
It's going on day 18 with no sex. I tried initiating sex last night, he told me was to tired. I woke up in the middle of the night and he was in the bathroom. And when I walked closer to the door I heard the porn video playing. 
This is rediculous.


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
A bunch of issues here - his.

OK, there are many men who don't want sex every day, but watching porn and turning down your partner is never right.

I see porn as something watched together, or watched as a sex aid when your partner is not available. 

My wife and I have used sex toys on and off, including some huge ones. I've never been jealous of a piece of plastic, and don't think anyone ever should be. OTOH, it sounds like you may have bought it just to make a point. OTOOH, it was a point that needed to be made.


Do you think his is actually addicted to porn - by "addicted" do you think he wants to stop but can't manage to do so?







Sunshine77 said:


> This started happening more when we had sex everyday. I wanted it everyday and he said he couldn't keep up with me. But it was because he was masterbating all day and when I got home he didn't have anything left.
> He keeps telling me that I'm wrong and I need counseling because I have low self esteem and I am insecure. But it's because of him.
> He has flat out told me that he'd rather watch porn.
> I once bought an 8 inch "toy" and it pissed him off so bad. (This is when he started rejecting sex from me)
> ...


----------



## Sunshine77 (Nov 9, 2015)

richardsharpe said:


> Do you think his is actually addicted to porn - by "addicted" do you think he wants to stop but can't manage to do so?


No. He does not view this as a problem. He says it's natural. And, I agree. But sex with your wife is also natural. 
Once when he was drunk he cried to me about wishing he could quit because he hates upsetting me. But he never mentioned that again.


----------



## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

Sunshine77 said:


> He tries to make me think I'm crazy for being upset over it. Mainly because I watch porn too and get mad at him for it. But I have explained to him that it's not really the porn I get upset over, it's the simple fact that he rejects me for porn. Which makes me feel like I'm not good enough for him and I don't satisfy him. I've asked him what I can do for him sexually to make it better. He named some things and I have done them. He told me if I quit *****ing about it that he'd probably quit and when I did, he did it more.
> It's going on day 18 with no sex. I tried initiating sex last night, he told me was to tired. I woke up in the middle of the night and he was in the bathroom. And when I walked closer to the door I heard the porn video playing.
> This is rediculous.


The truth of it is, that once you are getting rejected for porn, there's not much you can do to entice him back. it's not about you looking sexier or being open to trying new things any more. He's not supplementing, he's substituting porn for sex.
However, if he wants to change, it's a whole different story. Your SO clearly doesn't desire change at this point. If he's pretending the problem is you, trying to tell you that if you would do x it would all get better.

So. long game. What could you do that would bother him enough for you to hammer home that this is a serious problem? Fixing things so he changes is not going to work, he has to be convinced that he is the problem.


----------



## Sunshine77 (Nov 9, 2015)

sixty-eight said:


> Sunshine77 said:
> 
> 
> > He tries to make me think I'm crazy for being upset over it. Mainly because I watch porn too and get mad at him for it. But I have explained to him that it's not really the porn I get upset over, it's the simple fact that he rejects me for porn. Which makes me feel like I'm not good enough for him and I don't satisfy him. I've asked him what I can do for him sexually to make it better. He named some things and I have done them. He told me if I quit *****ing about it that he'd probably quit and when I did, he did it more.
> ...



I stated above in a recent post that I bought a rather large "toy" that really upset him. But I couldn't convince him that what he was doing was the problem. He said that it wasn't the same thing and he made me throw it away. Actually, that toy brought on more problems than I wanted. He has a brother that has the exact size penis as the toy did. (My husband told me this) and he ended up accusing me of sleeping with his brother and the reason I bought the toy was because his brother wasn't always around. He even accused our daughter being his brothers child. I have never cheated on him. Never even thought about it and certainly not with his brother. I honestly don't even like his brother. He has a horrible personality.


----------



## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

Sunshine77 said:


> I stated above in a recent post that I bought a rather large "toy" that really upset him. But I couldn't convince him that what he was doing was the problem. He said that it wasn't the same thing and he made me throw it away. Actually, that toy brought on more problems than I wanted. He has a brother that has the exact size penis as the toy did. (My husband told me this) and he ended up accusing me of sleeping with his brother and the reason I bought the toy was because his brother wasn't always around. He even accused our daughter being his brothers child. I have never cheated on him. Never even thought about it and certainly not with his brother. I honestly don't even like his brother. He has a horrible personality.


right, you getting toys inspires his anger. 
would you get another one? no. because he made a big fuss, and you didn't like that so you won't do it again.

so what could you do that would make him feel that way about the porn?


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
How on earth would he know? Penises aren't even all shaped the same - exact size doesn't mean anything. :scratchhead:
?????

Something isn't making a lot of sense.....





Sunshine77 said:


> snip.
> He has a brother that has the exact size penis as the toy did.
> snip


----------



## Sunshine77 (Nov 9, 2015)

sixty-eight said:


> so what could you do that would make him feel that way about the porn?


I don't think there is anything I could do. I've tried watching porn too and only looking up really big **** videos. It didn't seem to bother him. 

Before we met, I used to do videos myself on cam4. I was paid for it. This is when I was 18. (Please don't judge) 
He knows about this and it does bother him that I have videos out there. 
I'm thinking about just saying I want to do it again...and just see what he says about it. 
I don't know if that will work or not.


----------



## Sunshine77 (Nov 9, 2015)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> How on earth would he know? Penises aren't even all shaped the same - exact size doesn't mean anything.
> 
> 
> ...


His brother brags about it to him all the time, and apparently when they were younger they used to compare sizes. 
It's weird...I know.


----------



## Sunshine77 (Nov 9, 2015)

peacem said:


> I think when it gets to this point it is time to give him an ultimatum to quit porn and concentrate on the important things in life (his family) or lose everything. Porn is nice...but it is never good enough to lose your family over.
> 
> I have been there and have so far helped turn my husband in the right direction. It is hard work, but he needs to make the changes, and you need to support him (which I am sure you are willing to do).
> 
> Boob job? That really isn't the answer. Please don't go down that route because once you have had the boob job it will be the botox, and then it will be something else and something else and something else.....and before you know it you will be chasing your tail trying to find the magic formula to keep your husband and not recognising yourself in the mirror. It is more complicated than that.


If I ask him to quit (which I have before) he is still just going to keep doing it. Nothing is going to stop him. I will just be constantly snooping around on his phone trying to find it. 
I told him today it was to quit or divorce. He said he would. It might last a week. 
But the truth is...I don't want to divorce...but I also don't want this in my marriage. I just want to convey to him how seirous I feel about this. But he just makes me feel so stupid for feeling this way.


----------



## Sunshine77 (Nov 9, 2015)

I have always been available to him. Any time he has asked for sex (which is rare) I do it. It doesn't matter if I am busy or what. I do it. I have never not once ever told him no. 
So, I've thought of this. A total new approach to the situation. I'm not going to talk about the porn anymore, I am just going to stand by and let him. But I will not be having sex with him. I'm going to refuse it and stop asking him for it. 
I'll let him see then what exactly is better... 
Any thoughts on this idea?


----------



## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

I would never recommend withholding sex to get your way. If you are withholding sex until he gives up porn, then he may not give it up ever, and you'll be trapped in a vicious cycle. I also don't think you can ask a partner to give up porn or masturbation. It doesn't work, it's impossible to enforce, and encourages deception. What people do on their own time with their own bodies is their business.

That said, he has no problem saying no to you. So it's only fair that that should go both ways. If he can say no thanks, then you can say no thanks. 
Also, an honest discussion about the fact that you don't want to continue to offer sex if there's going to be rejection without rescheduling or a good reason. That you resent his excessive porn use. That you don't like having sex with him when he wants it if he's going to deny you to whack off in the bathroom. And that he shouldn't expect regular sex from you if he's going to continue that behavior.
That sounds fine to me.
You're not asking him to give up porn. you're asking him to quit replacing you with his hand. and if he has to give up porn to make that happen, then so be it.

Have a plan. What happens a month from now, if he's still porning it up in the bathroom at midnight? 
Is it worth it to you to hold your ground on this? if he says the porn stays, are you prepared to separate? 
or, if it doesn't work, will you do a tactical retreat and try something else? It's good to have all that mapped out before you act.


----------



## Sunshine77 (Nov 9, 2015)

sixty-eight said:


> I would never recommend withholding sex to get your way. If you are withholding sex until he gives up porn, then he may not give it up ever, and you'll be trapped in a vicious cycle. I also don't think you can ask a partner to give up porn or masturbation. It doesn't work, it's impossible to enforce, and encourages deception. What people do on their own time with their own bodies is their business.
> 
> That said, he has no problem saying no to you. So it's only fair that that should go both ways. If he can say no thanks, then you can say no thanks.
> Also, an honest discussion about the fact that you don't want to continue to offer sex if there's going to be rejection without rescheduling or a good reason. That you resent his excessive porn use. That you don't like having sex with him when he wants it if he's going to deny you to whack off in the bathroom. And that he shouldn't expect regular sex from you if he's going to continue that behavior.
> ...


I really don't think I'm ready to separate. It will be hard. And I do love him. 
But it's also hard to let myself continue to feel this way.
I wish there was a way I could just learn to look past it. But everytime I know he's doing it and could be doing it with me, I just get so angry that I can't stand it. 
I am really clueless about what to do. 
3 options.
1. He stops. But resents me and won't be happy with this decision. It will most likely end in divorce. (And he probably won't stop anyways)
2. I let him. I'll blow up one day and will probably end up leaving. 
3. Divorce. 
I never thought porn would one day destroy a marriage.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Why does he bother romancing you when he has no intention of following through? Have you asked him for suggestions on how you can be sexually satisfied without him? Why does he get to decide that you have to be celibate? You may as well be a widow.


----------



## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

You have to be willing to risk losing him over this, or I'm sorry to say but this will be your life. 

He thinks you will never leave and he can keep doing whatever he wants. Sure you may kick up a bit of a fuss sometimes but nothing really eve happens (except you try harder, when he should be the one trying his hardest to work to keep you from walking). 

This is not about you and what you do or do not look like or do or do not offer. This is about him, his lack of care for you and your feelings, his unhability to put you and the marraige first, and his selfishness. 

I would start seeing a counselor, on your own. Start working towards a happy life alone, go visit a lawyer, and let him know you are gearing up to move on. 

If he believes you may actually leave he might take notice, and do what needs to be done to save the marriage. 

The first thing is he needs to quit porn completely. Then marriage counselling with someone you trust and who understands how damaging porn can be.


----------



## Sunshine77 (Nov 9, 2015)

I have actually made an appointment to see a marriage counselor next week. My husband refuses to go. But I am thinking about just going on my own. 
Let me also note that me and my husband also work together at the same place. We both share the same friends. We also just bought a $150,000 home that is both of our dream homes. Neither of us can afford it on our own. I don't mind leaving it behind, but I think my husband would. He told me last night that he does not want to divorce. But he wants me to get some help. 
He said that he will show me more affection as well as more attention sexually. The goal is to make me feel that I am better than the videos he watches. I asked him if he'd slow down on it and he said he would. He said that he doesn't have to have porn, but that he just likes to watch it and it had nothing to do with me. 
After this convo, I went to bed and he stayed awake. I woke up and he was in the living room jerking it to a video game (tomb raider). I caught him and he said he liked the girl in the video game and that it wasn't porn so it was okay...


----------



## Sunshine77 (Nov 9, 2015)

I also saw on his phone that he was looking up women pumping their breast for milk. I asked him about it this morning. He said he was trying to find stuff without looking up porn. 
He really has a problem...


----------



## Eastcoasting (Apr 21, 2015)

Sunshine77 said:


> I went to bed and he stayed awake. I woke up and he was in the living room jerking it to a video game (tomb raider). I caught him and he said he liked the girl in the video game and that it wasn't porn so it was okay...


Umm...dude has issues...jerking it to a video game???


----------



## Sunshine77 (Nov 9, 2015)

Eastcoasting said:


> Umm...dude has issues...jerking it to a video game???


Yes. But yet, I was right there in the next room. I had even put on some cute lingerie and he still has not had sex with me. 
He also made the comment that sex with me is like a chore for him. 
I'm telling him today I want a divorce for real. I just can't deal with all this. I need to feel wanted by my own husband.


----------

