# Failing Relationship - need advice



## Mbeausol12 (Sep 25, 2017)

Let me start by saying my fiancé and I have been together for six years. We met through and online dating site. I was six months out of a two year relationship and was ready to move on with my one year old son in tow. When we met, it was amazing. He reminded me what it was like to have someone who cared, a partner, and a good role model. He had a great job, a car, and a loving family. The "honeymoon" phase lasted about a year before things started souring. He became a full blown opoid addict before my eyes. I hadn't noticed it for six months, until I was confronted with it and him stating he had almost overdosed twice and had stolen money from me at night while I slept. He stopped going to work regularly, I would find my bedroom littered with empty pens he had used for snorting pills, and started noticing his moods flip on an instant. 

I begged him to go to rehab, he refused. He wanted to do it himself, and with as naive as I was about drug use I thought he could do it. He went to a special psychiatrist, where he paid $200 a visit out of pocket for a prescription of suboxone and klonipin. He replaced one addiction with another. We moved to a quaint little house. He insisted on having his own space. We had a small four room house so I fixed the basement up nicely for him as a little hangout spot for him and his friends. This quickly began one of the biggest mistakes of my life. He stopped coming upstairs, even to use the bathroom. I would have to jump up and down on the floor to get his attention. I would go down there, and see lines of urines in 2-liter soda bottles throughout the room. He would never empty them. I would have to go down there, humiliated and dump these festering urine bottles weekly, most of the time vomiting at the scent. 

He stopped eating, stopped sleeping normally, stopped bathing. I thought moving would do us good. So we moved again this time to a lake house where I thought he would be happier (fishing was a favorite pastime). He slept in bed with me in this house ONE night. That was our first night in that house. I was optimistic things would get better. It has been six years now. He has his own room and I mine. It feels more like I'm living with the roommate I can't stand than my fiancé. He never leaves his room, at least now he goes to the bathroom normally, but he smokes in the home now. He oversleeps and doesn't take my son to school, stopped paying his bills, and stopped taking care of himself. I admit, I've been upset and angry with him and I do yell at him. Finally three weeks ago he ended our relationship. He still wanted to live in the house with me as he has been jobless nearly a year and can't move out. I said no. 

He left and I packed all of his things. His parents refused to take him in. He came rock my house after a few night s of sleeping in his car telling me he will change and he needs somewhere to stay and he will try but to not expect anything overnight, but that it will come eventually. Three weeks in nothing has changed. He is still not moving from his futon in hiis room but to go to the bathroom, and has refused to talk to me about anything associated with our relationship. I feel as though I've made a mistake letting him back, but don't know how to approach this if he won't talk to me. I've considered moving out on my own, but I'm the only one paying the bills and unfortunately don't make enough money to support two households while I'm saving for another. I'm stuck and I feel as though I always will be. 

I have only one friend, but she's unfortunately on disability and can't help financially and unfortunately I haven't seen her in a few months due to schedule conflicts. I have no family to speak of either. I've spent the better half of my life supporting them and they are not willing to do the same. I don't know where to go from here. I have a now 8 year old son who is increasingly becoming more accustomed to have an absent father and it is starting to really hurt him. I also have a dog that I need to take care of that is riddled with anxiety from not being out enough due to my fiancé not taking her outside during the day, so I need to when I get home from work. I feel as though I'm drowning, I am emotionally and financially exhausted. I'm constantly feeling alone and unloved. We haven't slept together in the same bed in nearly two years as he constantly comes up with another excuse why he simply can't. 

I've made every change he has said has stopped him from doing things, but it never changes. I don't know what to do. I feel guilty throwing him to the curb because he will constantly sit there and tell me he will sleep in a parking lot in his car. I get calls from his parents saying he is my responsibility not theirs. I have contemplated suicide, even tried once just to be rid of all of this. I fortunately failed and spent one month in treatment where he spent the whole time saying how I'm crazy this and that. I don't want my child thinking this is how a man acts in a family, but fear I'm in too deep now to get out. I don't know what else to do.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Sell the place and get as far away from this awful guy as you can. You know this. His parents don't even want him. You are enabling him and pouring urine out and omg. Have some self respect and tell him to gtfo.


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## Mbeausol12 (Sep 25, 2017)

Herschel said:


> Sell the place and get as far away from this awful guy as you can. You know this. His parents don't even want him. You are enabling him and pouring urine out and omg. Have some self respect and tell him to gtfo.


Thank you for your response. I wish it were that easy to just leave. I have tried getting him to leave but the past few times he has either refused to or I've had to threaten to call the police so he will leave. He shows up as he pleases once he doesn't leave. I don't have anywhere I can go to as I don't have any family and can't afford to save while I'm spending all of my paycheck on surviving here. I think I have to ride this out until I either get a raise or he gets a job and starts contributing so I can save money.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

You have a young child and he is endangering your son. Call the police and have him arrested and then change your locks and slap him with a restraining order. You need him out. He is draining you and he is sucking you into a cesspool. Save yourself. He is nothing but an albatross and he will destroy everything you have as long as you continue to enable him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I edited your post to add paragraph breaks. It's really hard to read a wall of text and most people will not even try. Please use paragraphs.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you own the house you are living in? Or do you have a lease or rental agreement? If it's a rental agreement, when it that up?


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## dawnabon (Mar 11, 2017)

Herschel said:


> You have a young child and he is endangering your son. Call the police and have him arrested and then change your locks and slap him with a restraining order. You need him out. He is draining you and he is sucking you into a cesspool. Save yourself. He is nothing but an albatross and he will destroy everything you have as long as you continue to enable him.


This. 

Also I know you're worried about what he will do, where he will sleep, but right now you are enabling him and ultimately that is not helpful to him. But really what is and isn't helpful to him isn't your problem - what's best for you and your son is. Being enmeshed with this guy has driven you to the point of a suicide attempt, and according to what you said your family isn't really that supportive. Your son NEEDS you to cut this guy out of your life and get healthy. Do it for him. Big hugs mama. 

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Mbeausol12 said:


> Let me start by saying my fiancé and I have been together for six years. We met through and online dating site. I was six months out of a two year relationship and was ready to move on with my one year old son in tow. When we met, it was amazing. He reminded me what it was like to have someone who cared, a partner, and a good role model. He had a great job, a car, and a loving family. The "honeymoon" phase lasted about a year before things started souring. He became a full blown opoid addict before my eyes. I hadn't noticed it for six months, until I was confronted with it and him stating he had almost overdosed twice and had stolen money from me at night while I slept. He stopped going to work regularly, I would find my bedroom littered with empty pens he had used for snorting pills, and started noticing his moods flip on an instant.
> 
> I begged him to go to rehab, he refused. He wanted to do it himself, and with as naive as I was about drug use I thought he could do it. He went to a special psychiatrist, where he paid $200 a visit out of pocket for a prescription of suboxone and klonipin. He replaced one addiction with another. We moved to a quaint little house. He insisted on having his own space. We had a small four room house so I fixed the basement up nicely for him as a little hangout spot for him and his friends. This quickly began one of the biggest mistakes of my life. He stopped coming upstairs, even to use the bathroom. I would have to jump up and down on the floor to get his attention. I would go down there, and see lines of urines in 2-liter soda bottles throughout the room. He would never empty them. I would have to go down there, humiliated and dump these festering urine bottles weekly, most of the time vomiting at the scent.
> 
> ...


I read only so far, I am sorry but you are better off to be rid of him, like most addicts, he will drag you down with him, consider this a lucky escape, run as far from him as possible. Think of your child and your future. He is responsible for his own mess, let him deal with it. Stop being so codependent, he is using you as the 
reason for his position, typical addict, never take responsibility for their own actions, they had a rough childhood, difficult parents, bad life, blah blah blah..........run.

When you are away from him and his reality, you will begin to wonder how you put up with this level of s***, the lack of boundaries, his emotional abuse, you have lost yourself, then it will be time to find yourself. YOu will be amazed at how more settled, balanced and stable you can be without him in your life, just you and your kid. This kind of thing is also a terrible place for your kid to grow up. Kick him out, never look back, never seek him again, he is a good for nothing leech.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Get this "man" out of your house before someone calls Children's Services and they remove your child from your custody. If someone, a neighbor, daycare worker, school, doctors office, a random druggie or their spouse who's pissed at your BF, calls CPS and tells them you have an active addict living in your home, they will come out for a welfare check. If they see or hear half of what you've relayed here, they'll take your kid so fast your head will swim. You're a mother. You don't have the luxury of co-dependence with an addict or the luxury to take on a "fixer upper". You have an impressionable child at home who is living in a toxic environment both physically and psychologically. Your child is living in a house with a man who hoardes bottles of piss, for God's sake! This creature has to go..now. 

Tell him to GTFO. If he refuses, tell him you'll call the police and tell them everything you know about him and everyone he knows. If that fails, get yourself an eviction notice from the local office store, fill it out, file it, and have him served.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He's an addict who isn't interested in getting help. Even his own parents have washed their hands of him. Your responsibility is to your son -- think what he's absorbing living with an addict.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Mbeausol12 said:


> Thank you for your response. I wish it were that easy to just leave. I have tried getting him to leave but the past few times he has either refused to or I've had to threaten to call the police so he will leave. He shows up as he pleases once he doesn't leave. I don't have anywhere I can go to as I don't have any family and can't afford to save while I'm spending all of my paycheck on surviving here. I think I have to ride this out until I either get a raise or he gets a job and starts contributing so I can save money.


I don't understand what it is you want from us.

You refuse to throw this loser out into the street and instead, continually martyr yourself for a damned useless junkie and use excuse after excuse for why you can't rid yourself of this parasite.

You CAN rid yourself of him.

You CHOOSE not to.

It's pretty damned sad when you can't even do right by your own kid and remove this toxic presence from HIS life.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

don't be involved with addicts.

Your mother should have told you that when you were little.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

I've been in your shoes.

You can't help him.

Everything you do to help him only enables him.

He needs to go to inpatient rehab for about three months.

Get him out of your place.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I don't understand what it is you want from us.
> 
> You refuse to throw this loser out into the street and instead, continually martyr yourself for a damned useless junkie and use excuse after excuse for why you can't rid yourself of this parasite.
> 
> ...


Agreed. You need to end this... NOW. Then block him at every avenue so he cannot contact you any more.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Once I got to the 'storing urine in 2 liter bottles' part, I said "oh HELL no!" Indoor plumbing is the norm -- this is not a third world country.

Get a restraining order against him; this will solve the problem of him continuing to come around after you've kicked him out. I really hope you aren't entertaining the idea of "trying to patch this up". There's no patching this.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

happy as a clam said:


> Once I got to the 'storing urine in 2 liter bottles' part, I said "oh HELL no!" Indoor plumbing is the norm -- this is not a third world country.


I felt exactly the same. 
OP, you are dumping out his PEE. Do you see the unhealthy level of caretaking you're willing to go to? He's not in his 90s, this isn't ancient Rome, you shouldn't be handling his pee at all! Get out of there!


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