# Husband has kid he never knew he had



## AngrynScared

So my husband just found out that he is the biological father of a child who is now 11 years old. He was contacted by Child Support because she's on public assistance. He submitted to a DNA test and the test came back positive. The kid turns 11 in April and now I feel like my whole world has just been turned upside down. I know it's not the kids fault but I am so angry and scared of what this is going to do to us and our future. We been together since 2004 and have been married 1 1/2. We have financial struggles as it is and now child support is going to take every dime. I'm not saying he shouldn't support his kid but we would've done things differently had he'd known about things before. She had another man tested in 2002 who turned out not to be the father, why didn't she test my husband then!!! She waited 11 years to say something!!!!! I need some positive advice on how to move forward with this. We don't have any children of our own but wanted some soon. I have a hard time accepting this and moving forward with my marriage. How will I afford to have my own children when we now will be paying for his. I'm so scared of what the future will or won't hold for us now. I feel like all my hopes & dreams are crushed. I wanted to be the only woman my husband had children with and shared that connection. He doesn't even remember sleeping with her, so he says to me, which now makes me think he's been lying this whole time. I need some positive energy and advice from others please. I'm trying to work through this but this sucks.


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## Atholk

Repeat the test if you can to be 100% sure.

Otherwise there is little positive spin that I can really place on this. Your husband has obviously damaged his "market value" as a partner because of this. As far as I can see the choices are;

1. Forgo having children yourself because of the money issues.
2. Your husband works extra hard for the next seven years to fund his prior kid and yours.
3. You leave your husband and find a different man capable of loving you and supporting your children together.

All three choices are pretty hard options to swallow. Good luck.


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## AMOR

There is no easy solution or answer to this... He may not remember sleeping with her, i mean it was eleven years ago for one and also it only takes one time to get someone pregnant. She could have been a one night stand. But anyway to the big issues plain and simple he has the child, he's going to have to support the child and your going to have to accept the child. What you wanted, hoped, and dreamed for is not going to happen so your going to have to accept that to. You can accept it bitterly or you can embrace it in a positive manner and look at it in a different light. Now once you do have your child(ren) because of the great age difference they will have an older sibling to help out with them and teach them the things they need to know. Honestly if you feel you don't want to be a part of this situation and can't embrace it without feeling resentful do him and his child a favor and divorce him because from personal experience it is no treat for the child to have a resentful step parent. My life was turned upside down by that at about two years older than the child in question and i mean it had effects on me that are still with me to this very day and she KNEW about me coming into the marriage smdh. But anyway yeah those are the options pretty much. As far as planning your own family i hate to get a little religious but i would wing it, wouldn't necessarily try to or try to prevent it. Let nature take its course if it happens, its meant to happen and pray God will help you all through the financial situation as well as this situation as a whole.


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## TNgirl232

Your wedding vows included - for better or worse, for richer or poorer....this isn't something he hid from you(which would make it different). I think you are being totally selfish at this point - "my dreams, my wants, my my my" - what about your husband, have you even tried to put yourself in his shoes and think about what he's feeling right now? This doesn't mean you can't have children - why would it, people have children all the time when there are stepchildren involved. You don't even know yet what the child support payment will be. 

Yes its a shock - but I'm assuming you married your husband because you loved him (as in unconditionally - within reason) and this is not something he did to you on purpose. If you love him, except it and move on with him. If you can't except it, you don't love him as much as you thought, so leave him and let him find a woman that can except him and his child.


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## cmscotty

I can completely relate to your story. I met a man 10 yrs ago, married him, had a couple kids and we divorced. A year and a half ago, we rekindled our relationship and are moving in together in two weeks. We just found out his ex is telling people she has a kid with him that's 12 yrs old. I am feeling a wide range of emotions myself. It's easy to feel like someone has destroyed this "idea" of what your life was going to be and it's hard to come to terms with that. I know this to because I feel cheated in some way myself, but life isn't a guarantee and no one ever said it would be unfortunately. You have to roll with the punches as they say and make the most of this situation. If you two really love one another, you will stick together and support one another thru this tough time.


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## Sixgunner

TNgirl232 said:


> Your wedding vows included - for better or worse, for richer or poorer....this isn't something he hid from you(which would make it different). I think you are being totally selfish at this point - "my dreams, my wants, my my my" - what about your husband, have you even tried to put yourself in his shoes and think about what he's feeling right now? This doesn't mean you can't have children - why would it, people have children all the time when there are stepchildren involved. You don't even know yet what the child support payment will be.
> 
> Yes its a shock - but I'm assuming you married your husband because you loved him (as in unconditionally - within reason) and this is not something he did to you on purpose. If you love him, except it and move on with him. If you can't except it, you don't love him as much as you thought, so leave him and let him find a woman that can except him and his child.


:iagree:


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## SimplyAmorous

AMOR said:


> You can accept it bitterly or you can embrace it in a positive manner and look at it in a different light. Now once you do have your child(ren) because of the great age difference they will have an older sibling to help out with them and teach them the things they need to know.


I think the way you are feeling right now is very natural and normal, you are angry, & you have a right to be, this is sudden & shocking, you WILL need time to greive & digest this, Any women would ! But we all know this is not the child's fault, as you said, and fortunately, your husband has no fond shared treasured memories with this child's Mother. That is only a plus. 

If you had a GOOD marraige before this, this can surely continue, despite the extra financial burden it places on you both. You have a choice like the quote above, it may take some time to work through , but you know embracing this child , being there for him/her is what is best for everyone in this difficult situation. If you truly love & want to remain with your husband, you will need to accept this, accept this child with open arms, or resentment will build a Wall between you 2 and all that was Good will be lost. Don't allow this to take control. 

Think on the *positives*, how you & your husband can be a LIGHT in this child's life, maybe this child is in dire need of a stable force right now, how this child can be a help for your children, when you have them. Choose to be a Blessing. Grieve what has been lost (some of the immediate dreams) but all can still be gained - if your love remains.  Someday you may even be asking , what you would do if this child did not come into your life! 

There is this beautiful quote I have on my Living room wall that says : 


One hundred years from now

It will not matter

What kind of car I drove,

What kind of house I lived in,

How much I had in my bank,

Nor what my clothes looked like.

One hundred years from now

It will not matter

What kind of school I attended,

What kind of typewriter I used,

How large or small my church,

But the world may be ...

a little better because...

I was important in the life of a child.

~~ Author Unknown ~~


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## newdaddy79

I hope you still read this thread, and I hope that my story can help yours, as I am basically in your husbands exact shoes.

When I was 19, just months prior to meeting my wife, I was in a brief and not so great relationship with a girl from another neighboring state. I was not true to myself during this period of time, losing my virginity to this girl who was very promiscious. I wanted love, but instead was being careless and not true to my beliefs and morals. At any rate, after about two months she admitted that she was cheating on me and so I ended the relationship and we never spoke again. We did not have the same circle of friends, and she lived out of state, so I thought I would never hear from her again.

A few months later, I met my wonderful wife, we were married by age 21 and have had a great relationship. In October of 2009 though, our world turned upside down when I found out that this ex of mine had hidden the secret of my child from me all this time. I received a phone call from her telling me that the child support enforcement office from the state she lived in was going to be calling me regarding the (at the time) 9 year old daughter she never told me about. As you can imagine, my life was flipped upside down. There were so many emotions. I wanted to believe it wasn't true. 

In those first weeks, after paternity tests revealed that I was indeed her father, I met my daughter for the first time. Having never been a father, this was the most anxious and stressful times in my life. She was almost 10, and having missed 10 years of her life was very overwhelming emotionally for me. I had missed out on so much, and had been robbed of the right to raise her and know her. I knew I loved her, but knew nothing about her. My daughter of course, had also been robbed of this relationship but was understandably apprehensive and insecure about everything. But I knew as a man what I must do. I must fight to be in my child's life and be involved as much as I could.

I immediately got my daughter on health insurance and began the legal process. Her mother turned from being somewhat cooperative to not letting me see my daughter within two months of first meeting her. She had never wanted me to find out about my child, but the state made her find me when she placed my daughter on medicaid. So I faced a long and expensive court battle. Fortunately, I was able to get joint legal custody and as much parenting time as I could get being that we live several hours away from each other. Long summer visits and every other weekend/holiday. 

This is still very new to us. My daughter is now 11 and I have not even known her 2 years. The relationship is a work in progress. Unfortunately, her mother is a hostile aggressive parent and really discourages my daughter from having a relationship with me...and creates an atmosphere of distrust. I am always being blamed for my daughters stressful life situation, and her Mom manipulates my daughter to not persue a relationship with me, and tells her men cannot be trusted and are immature. It is a struggle, being a good parent, never badmouthing her mother, always encouraging her to love her mom even after all the pain and heartache she put me through. But I know I must be determined as a father to be an example for her and I hope that it works out.

So I completely understand what you are going through. Now granted, I am not the wife. However, I know from talking with my wife how hard this has been on her. She was been a rock for me...and I love her even more dearly now. And even though it is hard for her to have the same maternal feelings for my daughter as I have, she still has been there 100% for my daughter and has made her feel welcome in our family. I realize that my daughter needed us in the worst way. She still is going through so much turmoil in her life, but we are here to help her cope. My wife has been instrumental in this, as can you in your situation.

You being there for your husband is something he will not forget. Trust me. You can be such a source of support for him, and think of the child. It is not fair what happens to children because of bad parenting. Be there for that child, make them part of your family. Even though the struggles will be plenty, and sometimes overwhelming, always rely on each other and you will be able to get through it.

If you want me to relate more of our struggles please email me.


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## CLucas976

AngrynScared said:


> So my husband just found out that he is the biological father of a child who is now 11 years old. He was contacted by Child Support because she's on public assistance. He submitted to a DNA test and the test came back positive. The kid turns 11 in April and now I feel like my whole world has just been turned upside down. I know it's not the kids fault but I am so angry and scared of what this is going to do to us and our future. We been together since 2004 and have been married 1 1/2. We have financial struggles as it is and now child support is going to take every dime. I'm not saying he shouldn't support his kid but we would've done things differently had he'd known about things before. She had another man tested in 2002 who turned out not to be the father, why didn't she test my husband then!!! She waited 11 years to say something!!!!! I need some positive advice on how to move forward with this. We don't have any children of our own but wanted some soon. *I have a hard time accepting this and moving forward with my marriage. How will I afford to have my own children when we now will be paying for his. I'm so scared of what the future will or won't hold for us now. I feel like all my hopes & dreams are crushed. I wanted to be the only woman my husband had children with and shared that connection. He doesn't even remember sleeping with her, so he says to me, which now makes me think he's been lying this whole time. I need some positive energy and advice from others please. I'm trying to work through this but this sucks*.



You need to take a minute, breathe, and regroup. If she had another man tested before, she didn't herself know who the father was, so how is it he is lying? 11 years is a long time for anyone to remember a one night stand, and it really sounds like that's what this child was a product of.

Second, he doesn't have to have part in this kids life, believe me, I know first hand, my father signed off all his parental rights to avoid paying child support. (which was a measly $100 a year)

And third, considering the circumstance, how are you not able to be the woman he has that connection with? It's been 11 years since this child's birth, he never knew about it, she kept it from him, so where is it that the two of them have that "connection"?

I don't see how this hinders your love for your husband, or prevents your marriage from moving forward. Nothing in life is concrete, there is not secured future, he could have lost his job and it'd be more of a financial burden. would you react the same then?

give yourself a minute, let it sink in, accept it, and move on. Life, and especially married life will always throw little road bumps your way..and that's all this is, a road bump.


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## F-102

I don't get it. He slept with her maybe once, was done and gone with her long before he met you, then one day, she VERY RELUCTANTLY tells him, 11 years later, (because she is now in a tight corner) that it is his kid-and she tests someone else some years ago and ONLY NOW comes after your H, after keeping this big secret from him all these years...

...and somehow, your H is the one you are blaming for all of this.


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## roamingmind

TNgirl232 said:


> Your wedding vows included - for better or worse, for richer or poorer....this isn't something he hid from you(which would make it different). I think you are being totally selfish at this point - "my dreams, my wants, my my my" - what about your husband, have you even tried to put yourself in his shoes and think about what he's feeling right now? This doesn't mean you can't have children - why would it, people have children all the time when there are stepchildren involved. You don't even know yet what the child support payment will be.
> 
> Yes its a shock - but I'm assuming you married your husband because you loved him (as in unconditionally - within reason) and this is not something he did to you on purpose. If you love him, except it and move on with him. If you can't except it, you don't love him as much as you thought, so leave him and let him find a woman that can except him and his child.


I don't think it's fair to say the OP is selfish. Sometimes reality is cruel and love is not enough when you are starving. By the way, there is no unconditional love --- put yourself in her shoes.


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## Soccerfan73

F-102 said:


> I don't get it. He slept with her maybe once, was done and gone with her long before he met you, then one day, she VERY RELUCTANTLY tells him, 11 years later, (because she is now in a tight corner) that it is his kid-and she tests someone else some years ago and ONLY NOW comes after your H, after keeping this big secret from him all these years...
> 
> ...and somehow, your H is the one you are blaming for all of this.


Well, it's a good opportunity for her husband to find out if they should ever have kids together in the future.


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## tamara24

A cousin of mine had a very similar situation. A young man of seventeen came to his door and said,hi,I think I might be your son and my mom never told you. This happened at a very inoppurtune time as my cousin's oldest son was getting married in a month. This family handled the situation with such dignity. The cousin contacted the woman, she admitted it. He then offered for this new son to meet the family and they explained what had occured. At the wedding, he was included all the way to the tux! When guests walked down the wedding party to greet them, my cousin and his wife stood next to their son and my cousin's new son. After people congratulated the new couple, my cousin and wife said we would like to introduce the newest son in our family and everybody welcomed him. Later on a family member asked,how could you just accept him and stand there at the wedding while he was introduced??? She replied, it happened before my husband made his vows to me and God. It is not the child's fault and I won't deny my husband to know his son. The entire family has accepted this young man and his new brothers love him no differently than each other.

My point is that you can dwell on the worst or you can make lemons from lemonade. If thhe child lives close, then share custody of the child. Make the child welcome in your home. Child support also depends on how many times the father sees the child. This was just as much shock to your hubby and I am sure he is having feelings of his own. This does not mean you can't have kids! This means your husband fathered a child and just found out 11 years later. Your children will be both of your joys! He was not there for the birth of his child so hhe will share the experience all that with you. He can not change the past, he will never get all those lost moments from his child's life back, but the more accepting you are and supportive,you can have a wonderful happy family!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## crackmonkey

I'm sorry but this will probably hurt your feelings.... How many years were you living together before you decided to get married. You could be in the same situation so it's probably not a good idea to critisize him or his previous girlfriend. When you drop out of school and don't learn to take care of yourself before you decide to start having sex and risk having children this is what happens. Stand up and face the responsibility with Grace and Class. If you want, have the test re-run just to make sure she's not scamming him. How many men did you sleep with before finding your current. Your complaints are those of someone who is not willing to be responsible. No you don't need to be a part of the child'd life but your husband does. If you can't live with that then you'll have to leave him and find someone who does not have children. Like you said it's not the child's fault and the mother sounds like a scum bag having waited all this time and not being sure who the father was but your husband was with her so that's the husband you have. If you can't deal with it then move on. Educate yourself and improve your position in life. Your life is YOUR responsibility.

Too many people in the US sit around expecting their welfare handouts because they are unwilling to take responsibility for their own life. If you work to get ahead you will. If you work to improve your life you will. The question is WILL YOU???


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## crackmonkey

This is exactly how the unknown son should be treated when he finally comes home. This is an example of a loving family who were not interested in placing blame but welcoming the new family member home. I have a son. I was not allowed to meet him. He was adopted but I hope the day comes when he knocks on my door. My wife knows all about it and will welcome him as a member of the family. Anyone who says a father does not love his children has never met a father. There are sperm donors and then there are fathers who truly love their children legimate or not.


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## MrsLugo

If you still read this post please contact me! I'm 2 mos in to a very similar situation and would like to talk to someone who has gone thru it. I am having very similar feelings and feel guilty about it at the same time. I just don't know if I'm going to be able to deal with it. Please please contact me if you get this!


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## frostytink

MrsLugo said:


> If you still read this post please contact me! I'm 2 mos in to a very similar situation and would like to talk to someone who has gone thru it. I am having very similar feelings and feel guilty about it at the same time. I just don't know if I'm going to be able to deal with it. Please please contact me if you get this!


I am now in a similar situation and have the same feelings. Must be normal? Lol or am I seriously going crazy?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

You both should start new/your own threads. OP hasn't been on here since 2010.


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