# Fiancé and co-worker past affair



## Scotty114 (10 mo ago)

Need some input here. Ok so this might be lengthy but I want to be pretty descriptive.
My fiancé and o are set to get married this June, live together etc. great relationship. It has it’s ups and downs, we are both sober and have other issues but we have dealt with them properly and we attend church and are trying to live a better way. We met at our lowest and have grown together.
Ok so now why I’m here, she helps run a company with her mom, brother and sister, works in the office. When we first met there was a married man, 20 years older (she is 35) that she has known since she was born, almost considered another brother. He was always messaging her inappropriately and she at first told me he just had a thing for her because they were work and drinking buddies. She was very firm and told him constantly to stop, and it slowly got better. She made an amends to him at one point because she was sober. So she tells me that they fooled around when drinking and that’s why. So time goes on, he messages occasionally, they work together etc. it gets better. Well then I kind of realize that there was more to it in the past. Come to find out it was a whole lot more than she really said. So I find this out we talk and she kind of just stays surface level. 
So here is where we are now, time has gone by and I have let it build and tried to talk and it’s just kind of not going away. She works with this man everyday and he is constantly texting and calling her, mostly work but I know it isn’t all work. They do have a long history, then that happened. It was an affair for him. Now they seem mostly just “friends” but I know for fact he still has serious feelings for her and she says she has no “romantic” feelings for him but I can still tell she has a soft spot. Like she feels bad for him because of what she did in the past. She is a super people pleaser and worries a lot about what others think.
My issue is this has just become an obsession. Like I constantly think about it. I wonder, etc. totally insecure with it and it isn’t my style. I am just worried when she is at work all the time. She downplays and avoids talking about him or anything and almost try’s to kind of hide it. I know she has told him I don’t like him texting her all the time, and she did lie to him and say I didn’t know about there history. He hs always been a big enabler when she drank. He has even caused her a relapse before. He is totally toxic and they have to work together and he will probably never go anywhere else until he retires and neither will she because it’s her business. She is the boss and they have to work together no matter what. But what about other talking and texting etc? She said that they have always been friends and whatever happened happened I get it, but it is just really messing with me and I can’t get it to stop. It was before me and when she was deep into depression and drunkenness. We both got sober and have created a life together and we are also attending church and trying to live more like god. I dunno. It is a super messy situation and I could go on and on but I just need help with this. 
I already know I’m having super insecurities but it’s something I’ve never had to deal with and a totally awkward situation. I’m getting irritated with it and she is getting irritated with me getting irritated with it.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I would call off the wedding myself.

She has terrible boundaries and has lied to you about the extent of her relationship with this man, still works with him and still endures getting hit on by him all the time.

Why not tell his wife and see how busy that keeps him?

She is being very unprofessional by continuing to work with him under these conditions and she is certainly undermining her relationship with you.

It seems very ridiculous to this barbarian.

I'm not insecure and I wouldn't have put up with it once I found out they messed around at all much less he is still trying.

Have you had a man to man with this loser?

Ask him how his wife is doing and show him a screenshot of his texts with your fiance.

Honestly I would walk because she isn't grown up enough to be married if she hasn't sorted this mess.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

i am guessing his wife does not know about the two of them......curious is he invited to the wedding? 

I would tell her that either that this relationship is crowed and if she intends to keep him in her life then you are going to sit down with him and tell him if he does not stop contacting her that you will inform his wife about their past...if you GF gets upset with you for that, then she clearly wants him more than she wants you


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## Scotty114 (10 mo ago)

I guess I didn’t mention that his wife, or anyone else knows. But I also didn’t mention that she did set boundaries and did tell him to stop and all the texts about loving her or this and that have stopped. And she did make amends to him and say she just wanted them to be friends. He knows me and sees me and I talk to him. It’s just like she has to talk to him about work and stuff. And once in awhile he gets personal, like I know he still has feelings but o think he knows nothing will happen


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Two answers, you pick one:
.............................................................................................
1st answer

Time for you to confront _The freakin Boss._

Tell him that you and your fiancée are getting married in June.

If he continues with his cheating ways you will show his wife his texts.

Tell him that you have saved those texts for the last year and that they are damning.
(Tell him that, even if you do not have any texts saved).

Tell her Mom, Brother and Sister what this dirtbag is up to.

If that does not work then she must quit her job.

If she won't quit then dump her.

..........................................
2d answer.

Let this guys wife know what he is up to.
Blow up his world.

Tell your wife she _must quit_.

Tell her mother and brother and sister what he is up to.
........................................

I prefer answer 2.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I’m gonna tell you what everyone can see happening to your future marriage but you, because you’re wearing 2” thick rose colored welding goggles. I would calm it off. You won’t. I’m sorry.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Scotty114 said:


> I guess I didn’t mention that his wife, or anyone else knows. But I also didn’t mention that she did set boundaries and did tell him to stop and all the texts about loving her or this and that have stopped. And she did make amends to him and say she just wanted them to be friends. He knows me and sees me and I talk to him. It’s just like she has to talk to him about work and stuff. And once in awhile he gets personal, like I know he still has feelings but o think he knows nothing will happen


So his wife knows?

I would still want a change because she lied to you initially and he is still making some moves on her.

She needs to get to a no contact situation with this asshole. 20 years older, family friend and married.

He is a piece of **** and she is delusional to have kept in such close contact.

I don't know how you talk to him in passing but he would get nothing but war from me.

He isn't your friend or a friend to your wife.

Be passive about this at your own peril.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

I’m the boss in my business. If I tell someone (and I have) that their behaviour is inappropriate and needs to stop it stops. Otherwise they would be looking for a new job. 
Your fiancée loves the attention and I honestly believe that this squalid little affair has never ended. 
If she wanted him gone he would be gone and if you marry her be prepared for three people in the marriage.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

SunCMars said:


> Two answers, you pick one:
> .............................................................................................
> 1st answer
> 
> ...


She's not going to quit. She owns the business!


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

If you are not going to stand your ground on this, there's not much advice that we can give you. 

1. She lied about the relationship. (As in "Friends with benefits"?) "Come to find out it was a whole lot more than she really said." _*Strike 1*_.
2. She is more worried about maintaining the relationship with him than the relationship with you. *Strike 2.*
3. It sounds that if you push it, she may threaten to end your relationship. *Strike 3.*

This is in the feel-good times leading up to your wedding? You need to reconsider this. If she won't put her foot down to stop something that is obviously is causing you pain, that is a serious warning sign. *You* are supposed to be her #1 consideration, NOT Uncle Hee-Haw! * If not, it was nice knowing her.*







s


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Scotty114 said:


> I guess I didn’t mention that his wife, or anyone else knows. But I also didn’t mention that she did set boundaries and did tell him to stop and all the texts about loving her or this and that have stopped. And she did make amends to him and say she just wanted them to be friends. He knows me and sees me and I talk to him. It’s just like she has to talk to him about work and stuff. And once in awhile he gets personal, like I know he still has feelings but o think he knows nothing will happen


I'll be another voice saying the same thing.

You need to be a man and put your foot down.
Postpone for a year or full on cancel the wedding
She is to have NO CONTACT with him, block him everywhere. Might be hard with the work thing but something has to change. 

She's hooked on his attention and you're letting it happen.

Talk to the other wife, bring the heat to him on her side too.

You have a powder keg in front of you that is going to end badly.
There's probably more here that you haven't found out about yet and those two can't let go of each other.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

You are setting yourself up for a complete disaster. Not only does she have man issues but an entire boat load of background junk as well. You are making a HUGE mistake.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

There is no way I'd be with someone who worked with a previous affair partner. Regardless if it happened before I came along or not. That would drive anyone bat crap crazy. Btw, how old was she when it was going on? Was she in a relationship with someone else at the time?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Livvie said:


> She's not going to quit. She owns the business!


Yes.

I see that now; I edited my post.
............................................................

So. Scotty....

The coworker goes or you go.....out the door, out from your engagement.

No ifs, ands, or dirty butts will be tolerated.

Make your fiancee choose who she really wants in her life.

Tell her Mom, brother and sister what you need from them.
It will likely be a joint decision.

Though it shouldn't be. Your fiancee should tell him to leave the firm.

Her answer (and her families answer) will be telling.

You will soon find out what/whom is more important to this bunch.

Umm.



_Nemesis-_


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Personally, I view a man chasing a girl young enough to be his daughter as a predator. He should have been fired by whomever was boss at the time. I'm assuming that was her mother?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Scotty114 said:


> I guess I didn’t mention that his wife, or anyone else knows. But I also didn’t mention that she did set boundaries and did tell him to stop and all the texts about loving her or this and that have stopped. And she did make amends to him and say she just wanted them to be friends. He knows me and sees me and I talk to him. It’s just like she has to talk to him about work and stuff. And once in awhile he gets personal, like I know he still has feelings but o think he knows nothing will happen


So clear us up on exactly who is aware of the affair and exactly what everyone did about it?

Is anyone besides your fiance, yourself and the piece of **** aware of it?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I would NOT marry this person. First of all she has already shown she is not fully open and honest with you so who knows what their relationship is really. She also sounds like she is a recovering alcoholic which already means she needs to be very strong with her boundaries, and yet with this guy she isn't. 

Look it's your life but if you want to avoid being cheated on you need to be ruthless when it comes to red flags and deal breakers. You are taking a big risk no doubt.

Besides that why are you labeling your own common sense as insecurity? Is she telling you you are insecure, which would her gaslighting you? Do you usually doubt yourself so much? 

Let me ask you this if you knew a person was a pyromaniac and you invited them to live in your home would you call yourself insecure because you worried about them starting it on fire? What if you found they had a bag full of matches, would it be insecure to tell them to throw them away? Now I know what you are thinking, this is a ridiculous analogy, who would invite a pyromaniac to live in their home? And you know you're right. Marrying a known cheater who lies, and protects their past affair partner is much more dangerous, and you want to marry her! Not much more emotionally dangerous then that.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

It’s usually a good idea to pay attention to red flags. No one is perfect. No one’s past is perfect once they’ve been an adult for more than a few minutes. But there are certain things you can live with and some you can’t. Be honest with yourself because this won’t bug you LESS over time.


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## Scotty114 (10 mo ago)

ConanHub said:


> So clear us up on exactly who is aware of the affair and exactly what everyone did about it?
> 
> Is anyone besides your fiance, yourself and the piece of **** aware of it?


No one at all


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Scotty114 said:


> No one at all


Blow up his world. Tell his wife. Now.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

She did his wife quite dirty no? The wife should be told of this situation.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Blow up his world. Tell his wife. Now.


@Scotty114 
And don’t tell your wife you’re going to do it.
Watch her reaction when she finds out.
It will tell you a lot about where her loyalties lie.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Cheating with someone shows just as big a character flaw as cheating on someone.Unless she was quite young at the time and he groomed and manipulated her, she's every bit the snake that he is. I'd be gone and I'd be spilling the beans to his wife on my way out. I'm assuming your fiancée knew his wife quite well at the time?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

The most detrimental, life shattering tool that a man can ever choose to put on:


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> The most detrimental, life shattering tool that a man can ever choose to put on:
> View attachment 83854


Women wear those too. It’s always a mistake.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Tell him either he comes clean with his wife or you will. Then follow up with her to see what he told her.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Tested_by_stress said:


> She did {POSOM's} wife quite dirty, no? The wife should be told of this situation.


Good point.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

Scotty114 said:


> No one at all


I would think telling the wife would’ve been on the list of amends to make then…

How long have you been sober?


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

@Scotty114 here is my advice, and you will not like it, no need to tell the other wife or even your fiancé to choose between you or him, no need for all this drama, just pack your bags and let this one go my friend, you will thank me years later!
This advice coming for a guy who used to be a player and dated/hooked up with all types of women (lost count). your future marriage will not end well!


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Right now you are smoking the hopium pipe. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. 
Id let this one go.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You have insecurities? Nope, it’s your brain reacting to your fiancé screwing a married man she works with. 
Shes old enough to know better. Of course you are blaming it on the alcohol. There are no excuses for bad behavior.
I suspect you came here wanting this to be ok because deep down you know it isn’t. 
She made a choice. It didn’t just happen.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Whether you tell her affair partners wife or not doesn’t really change anything. Your fiancé is who she is.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> You have insecurities? Nope, it’s your brain reacting to your fiancé screwing a married man she works with.
> Shes old enough to know better. Of course you are blaming it on the alcohol. There are no excuses for bad behavior.
> I suspect you came here wanting this to be ok because deep down you know it isn’t.
> She made a choice. It didn’t just happen.


Alcohol lowers your inhibitions. It doesn't change who you are. It's rare for someone to do something drunk they wouldn't want to do sober. They'll do things that will blow up their lives, but what you have is someone doing what they WANT to do without thinking about consequences, where if they were sober the consequences would stop them, not the immorality of what they're doing. 

Besides, at some point we're adults, and "OMG I was so drunk" is no longer an acceptable excuse for bad behavior. She is who she is.


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> where her loyalties lie.


And IMO, THIS and in present time is more important than morals, past behaviour, character, intentions, pain, remorse and over all other criteria. This choice.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Dump her. This is a trainwreck waiting to happen.

And tell his wife, for no other reason that she deserves to know.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Scotty114 said:


> but it is just really messing with me and I can’t get it to stop. It was before me and when she was deep into depression and drunkenness. We both got sober and have created a life together and we are also attending church and trying to live more like god. I dunno. It is a super messy situation and I could go on and on but I just need help with this.


My concern is you my man. You appear to have obsessive compulsive retroactive jealousy. (not addressing the rightness or wrongness of your squeeze and her past activity) You are likely obsessing on her getting it on with this cat, mind images and all, and then compulsively trying to figure out that it wasn't as bad as you envision by asking her a lot of questions about the affair. That method will make things worse. You'll investigate and question, feel better for a few hours, and go right back to the obsessive thoughts.
The only way to fight this obsession is to not fight it at all, don't seek answers, plunder through her social media, et cetera. Roll with the obsessive thought part and avoid the compulsive need to figure it out.
Hard to do but if you practice, you conquer the beast in one or two months.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Maybe what we should all do is take one big step back …… and reread the opening post.

Now ask yourself: If a person shows up here in this sort of situation…. Do you really believe they are capable of taking and implementing sound advice???

Heeeeeellllllll NO !!!!!


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

frusdil said:


> And tell his wife, for no other reason that she deserves to know.


THIS


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

This whole situation....


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Alcohol lowers your inhibitions. It doesn't change who you are. It's rare for someone to do something drunk they wouldn't want to do sober. They'll do things that will blow up their lives, but what you have is someone doing what they WANT to do without thinking about consequences, where if they were sober the consequences would stop them, not the immorality of what they're doing.
> 
> Besides, at some point we're adults, and "OMG I was so drunk" is no longer an acceptable excuse for bad behavior. She is who she is.


i have actually seen PLENTY of people who seem to have an alcohol induced Bipolar Personality. a few drinks into them, and they are unrecognizable from their sober selfs. It is almost like an entirely new person shows up and says "Surprise, i am HERE!"

belonged to a fraternity in college, and we pretty carefully vetted potential members for such personality defects. We would make sure we got them good and drunk (under relatively controlled circumstances, like a house party that nobody was driving to)....and watched them. If they got funnier, more egregarious, better to be around when drunk, they were keepers. If they started fights with the hockey team members, stole stuff, got thrown out of bars, etc.....not so much.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> i have actually seen PLENTY of people who seem to have an alcohol induced Bipolar Personality. a few drinks into them, and they are unrecognizable from their sober selfs. It is almost like an entirely new person shows up and says "Surprise, i am HERE!"
> 
> belonged to a fraternity in college, and we pretty carefully vetted potential members for such personality defects. We would make sure we got them good and drunk (under relatively controlled circumstances, like a house party that nobody was driving to)....and watched them. If they got funnier, more egregarious, better to be around when drunk, they were keepers. If they started fights with the hockey team members, stole stuff, got thrown out of bars, etc.....not so much.


See, I would suggest that the alcohol uncovered an issue they controlled while they were sober. It didn’t change who they were, just removed the self control they had to exercise to control it. And if the issue was there already, it could at any moment become a problem while they were sober. So you guys were smart to watch for that.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

TexasMom1216 said:


> See, I would suggest that the alcohol uncovered an issue they controlled while they were sober. It didn’t change who they were, just removed the self control they had to exercise to control it. And if the issue was there already, it could at any moment become a problem while they were sober. So you guys were smart to watch for that.


interesting but subtle point.

not being a psychologist, i can not tell for sure.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> interesting but subtle point.
> 
> not being a psychologist, i can not tell for sure.


I'm not a psychologist either, I just don't really buy the "I was drunk and didn't know what I was doing" excuse for things. I drink sometimes, and the crazy issues I have from my past come out. The crazy is there, but I can usually control it. I don't "become a different person" I just don't really think about the consequences of what I'm going to say and I say things I regret. It's based on my own personal experience, but I've found it to be true in a lot of situations. I believe there are extreme cases of serious alcoholism where it is different, and far more complex than the picture I'm painting. I think it can be so extreme that the alcohol does actually affect the chemistry of the person's body and make them "a different person," but those situation are more rare.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

There are definitely people who drink and at a certain point a switch flips and it’s like a different person. 

My father is one of those people but fortunately since he has been a functioning alcoholic for the bulk of his life it takes him an insane amount before that happens. He’s not very nice or polite when the switch flips.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

There’s no way that you should stay with this woman, let alone go forward with the wedding. She is undoubtedly still having a FWB relationship with this married POS that’s old enough to be her dad. Even if she were to end the relationship today, she is not wife material. Any person that would have an affair with a married person, doesn’t respect marriage. 

I strongly suggest that you expose POS to his wife. Then expose your “fiancé “ to her family. Let them know why you’re calling off the engagement. Make sure you name OM. The engagement is a test period. She has failed miserably.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I'm not a psychologist either, I just don't really buy the "I was drunk and didn't know what I was doing" excuse for things. I drink sometimes, and the crazy issues I have from my past come out. The crazy is there, but I can usually control it. I don't "become a different person" I just don't really think about the consequences of what I'm going to say and I say things I regret. It's based on my own personal experience, but I've found it to be true in a lot of situations. I believe there are extreme cases of serious alcoholism where it is different, and far more complex than the picture I'm painting. I think it can be so extreme that the alcohol does actually affect the chemistry of the person's body and make them "a different person," but those situation are more rare.


i have tried to talk people down from doing crazy **** when they were drunk.
it really IS like talking to a different person. Someone who is logical and reasoned when sober can cut loose like a berserker when drunk!

MOST people are not like this, but in my experience, a significant percent are. maybe 5-10%?

you HEAR a lot more about these berserkers, because they are always in the news (train surfing, etc), are urban legends, need to be bailed out....


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Tell his wife and he will most likely quit, then dump your fiancee anyway.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> i have tried to talk people down from doing crazy **** when they were drunk.
> it really IS like talking to a different person. Someone who is logical and reasoned when sober can cut loose like a berserker when drunk!
> 
> MOST people are not like this, but in my experience, a significant percent are. maybe 5-10%?


It could very well be that high. I only have my own life experience to base it on. It's also been my experience that mixing alcohol with other substances makes the "Jekyll and Hyde" thing more likely.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

DO NOT MARRY THIS WOMAN.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

I think @Scotty114 left the building!
I don't think he was expecting this advice!
I think he was expecting to get some magic advice to sort all this mess out while in realty there isn't!


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

thunderchad said:


> DO NOT MARRY THIS WOMAN.


Hopefully he will be back but unfortunately we do get a lot of guys that are not really looking for truthful advise. They are looking for someone to tell them it’s all in their head., stop being judgmental. If a guy wants that type of advise, they should go to LS. TAM is the spot to get really helpful advice and help in seeing through the BS.


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## cp3o (Jun 2, 2018)

Talker67 said:


> i have tried to talk people down from doing crazy **** when they were drunk.
> it really IS like talking to a different person. Someone who is logical and reasoned when sober can cut loose like a berserker when drunk!
> 
> MOST people are not like this, but in my experience, a significant percent are. maybe 5-10%?
> ...


Alcohol is a depressant - one which works first on the parts of the brain which create our inhibitions. 

When our inhibitions are switched off we have no concern for our reputation or the harm we may do - to ourself or others. 

Alcohol doesn't alter our character - it alters (for normal people) our desire to present a cleaned-up version of who we really are.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

jsmart said:


> If a guy wants that type of advise, they should go to LS. TAM is the spot to get really helpful advice and help in seeing through the BS.


And this site is tame compared to some of the reddit subs!


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Where is the OP? Is he still preparing to marry?


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