# If you could role back time and redo....



## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Ever think about that? What would you change? My mother always told me not to live my life with regrets. That does actually enter my mind when I do something. Some people might say that's a waste of time you can't change the past. I don't think its a waste of time if you learn from your mistakes. So why not confront yourself on that so you can be a better person? 

Example: When I discovered my husband was having affair the thought of revenge sex went through my head...and out just as fast. That's not me. I've had sex with only one man in 23 years. I hope my daughter grows up to be the same way! So the thought left just as fast. 

In terms of how I handled when I found out, I am only proud of myself and have no regrets. So mama's advice was good. 

I do regret though one thing. When I knew in my heart, I allowed him lie to me for 2 months. I should of kicked his butt out the door (and believe me if it EVER happens again he'll come home to find his stuff on the lawn). 

As for him, he does have to live with those regrets. I can't change it for him. So I guess before any of us do something big remember this do you want to live your life with regrets? 

You will have to face those demons at some point. In our case a close friend discovered that he had an affair. Can't tell you how she figured it out other than being a mind reader! We were talking about how another friend of our's how her husband treats her (and no he didn't cheat just belittles her in front of us) and agree he was wrong and a jerk for doing it but I defended my friend's love for her husband and the way she handled it (she doesn't take it, she has a unique way of not confronting him that puts him in his place and I love her for it!). Somehow my friend said .... he's had an affair! Wow where did that come from. She just knew. (My theory is her husband did too because if you have ever been there I think you recognize another in this position..) 

My friend is a wonderful person but she speaks her mind. As soon as she saw my husband she confronted him and didn't let him avoid the conversation. It wasn't to tell him he was a jerk but to tell him how big of a mistake it was and how serious he needs to take fixing it. He does. I think it was very hard for him to have to face another person who respects him so much and have to explain. He did and he's aware how she found out so not mad at me but everyone has to face their demons. 

I've made lots of mistakes in my life but this one wasn't mine. If I could change something though it would be balancing the focus on myself and my family better. It was all or nothing and it can be both. Its not an easy thing to do when you work full time plus, kids have lots of activities, but its something I am learning how to do. Focus on myself (exercise, time to decompress, hobbies), on my husband doing fun stuff together, talking and romance (date night!), and my kids. In the past kids got it all and when we went through our bad times I had nothing to give them. So everyone looses when you don't balance. This is what I am striving to do better! 

So as I move forward I am going to keep this thought in mind, never do something that I will regret later. Sooner or later the price is always paid. 

So my question to you all is what would you change if you could and how does that affect you in the future?


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Very good post! I agree in people living there lives that way. Dont do something you regret and learn from mistakes thats what life is all about.


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## TGolbus (Nov 3, 2008)

This is a topic that my wife and I talk about a lot….we have come to the conclusion that we wouldn’t change most things. We have learned from them, sometimes a lot, but without the lesson we wouldn’t have learned.
Mom of 2 – if you would have learned 2 months earlier and kicked him out, would you have reconciled the way you did? I know for me if I found out earlier I wouldn’t have been as strong and most likely wouldn’t have stayed.
Our lesson was a hard one, but one that had to be learned, and I am not sure could have been learned any other way.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

well im not normally a regretful person. take life experiences as a way forward to improve on oneself and maybe help others through those experiences. the older you become the wiser you become???

however if there was a moment ,i wish i could take back, was getin married the first time for the wrong reasons. 
so i suppose what i learnt from that was do things for the right reasons, not the wrong, not to please others for wrong reasons.
they dont lead your life, you do.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I regret very much that I ever met my wife and thought it was a good idea to marry her.

I regret that I could not detect such a pile of deception and cheating was wrapped up in such a nice looking package.

I regret that I'm locked into a path i cannot change without ruining lives.


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## blindsided (Nov 29, 2008)

I too have my regrets....I regret that I saw the signs, but dismissed them because I trusted my husband so much. I'm so sure if I had looked him in the eye, told him I loved him and that I was getting uncomfortable about the situation, he would have never done it. But I was asleep at the wheel....kids, job, house, etc. The one thing he and I swore NEVER to do early in our 27 years of marriage was to forget that WE make the foundation of the family, and everything hinges on US, and our happiness together. 

That's my biggest regret. I wish I had headed it off at the pass. 

But TGolbus has a good point.....would the lesson have been the same? Perhaps not. We both needed a wake up call. 

And I know what you mean, AZMom (hey, BTW, I'm from Sierra Vista, originally). No one at my husband's place of work ever found out, and neither did her husband. My husband told his brother and best friend, and it was really hard for him, and he is very ashamed. But, he CHOSE to tell them....I worry if the day will come that someone does find out and we have to face that.

I forgave my husband and the OW as well. I realized after less than 72 hours that I simply could not carry around that anger. It was killing me, to be so against my nature, filled with rage and mean feelings. Even if I had left him, I still would have had to forgive him, or never been free again myself. So I learned a huge lesson about forgiveness myself. 

Now here's the hard part: I am often bombarded with GLOWING comments from other people, about how much he loves me, what a great man he is, what a perfect couple we are, etc. etc. Even after several months, I swear my face is in flames when this happens (and HE had the affair, not me!). It's getting better, though. And that's my greatest fear, I guess. That someone will think less of him if they find out. Because I have come to realize he is STILL all the wonderful things I married him for....he just isn't perfect, and he made a mistake. 

I don't feel qualified to post on the section of this website for long-term marriage success....but I think in time I will. However, if you asked me right now what makes a good marriage, I finally have an answer....

Two people who know how to forgive.


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## TGolbus (Nov 3, 2008)

Blindsided - you are so right!!!!
The question I have for you is why are you so worried that others would find out.
I gained respect and trust back for my wife (yes it did take time) and I don't care what others think. I did lose a lot of pride during our struggling time (a good thing) and I reached out to my brother. Interesting thing - same thing happened to him a few years prior.
We have gone on to be open and to share (we don't advertise) and our story has allowed others to open up, and hase helped others.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

And if you change the past you wouldnt be who you are today!


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

TGolbus said:


> This is a topic that my wife and I talk about a lot….we have come to the conclusion that we wouldn’t change most things. We have learned from them, sometimes a lot, but without the lesson we wouldn’t have learned.
> Mom of 2 – if you would have learned 2 months earlier and kicked him out, would you have reconciled the way you did? I know for me if I found out earlier I wouldn’t have been as strong and most likely wouldn’t have stayed.
> Our lesson was a hard one, but one that had to be learned, and I am not sure could have been learned any other way.


You can always play the "what if" game but you never do know. My answer is yes I think we would have. His issue was he knew he screwed up, didn't know how to get things back, and just wanted everything to magically go back the way it was. The longer they went on the more it snowballed....more lies etc. 

But I was not as strong then as I was later so that's why it didn't happen. I guess I am saying I am happy that this issue made me become stronger. Had you told me this a year ago I would have said that this would completely have destroyed my self-confidence and I would be lost. It was a hard way to learn that I was stronger than I thought. 

So I don't live with regrets thinking if only...although I promise you that he definately does. I wish he'd read a post like this before he did what he did. Maybe someone else out there will and they will think consequences beofre actions.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

justean said:


> well im not normally a regretful person. take life experiences as a way forward to improve on oneself and maybe help others through those experiences. the older you become the wiser you become???
> 
> however if there was a moment ,i wish i could take back, was getin married the first time for the wrong reasons.
> so i suppose what i learnt from that was do things for the right reasons, not the wrong, not to please others for wrong reasons.
> they dont lead your life, you do.



And such a valuable lesson you learned!


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

michzz said:


> I regret very much that I ever met my wife and thought it was a good idea to marry her.
> 
> I regret that I could not detect such a pile of deception and cheating was wrapped up in such a nice looking package.
> 
> I regret that I'm locked into a path i cannot change without ruining lives.


I am so sorry that you are in this situation. Although those that really want to deceive can do so. But you can change the situation. You deserve better. If its for the sake of children, staying with someone you feel this way about isn't always best for them either. I wish you the best of luck though.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

blindsided said:


> I too have my regrets....I regret that I saw the signs, but dismissed them because I trusted my husband so much. I'm so sure if I had looked him in the eye, told him I loved him and that I was getting uncomfortable about the situation, he would have never done it. But I was asleep at the wheel....kids, job, house, etc. The one thing he and I swore NEVER to do early in our 27 years of marriage was to forget that WE make the foundation of the family, and everything hinges on US, and our happiness together.
> 
> That's my biggest regret. I wish I had headed it off at the pass.
> 
> ...


So well put! By the way, I don't think you have anything to regret. You started by saying you missed the signs because you trusted your husband so much. Trust is a necessary ingredient in a successful marriage. He has something to regret but you do not. 

BTW I do know what you mean about other people's comments. We get the same. Makes you realize everyone has skeletons....even the happiest couples I can think of have issues. One of my closest friends, a couple I admire and think have the "perfect marriage"....well she told me last week she just had a meltdown and escaped for awhile up to her cabin alone. I don't know what happened, and I didn't press but clearly nobody has the perfect marriage. She's come back home and seems fine. They communicate well so I think they have the ability to work through what they are facing.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

TGolbus said:


> Blindsided - you are so right!!!!
> The question I have for you is why are you so worried that others would find out.
> I gained respect and trust back for my wife (yes it did take time) and I don't care what others think. I did lose a lot of pride during our struggling time (a good thing) and I reached out to my brother. Interesting thing - same thing happened to him a few years prior.
> We have gone on to be open and to share (we don't advertise) and our story has allowed others to open up, and hase helped others.



This shows you have truly forgiven and healed. I'm not there yet but hope one day to be in that same place. You have helped so many of us here so thank you for sharing your experiences.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

blindsided said:


> Two people who know how to forgive.


Absolutely wonderful idea. Thank you for that gem of wisdom!


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## blindsided (Nov 29, 2008)

TGolbus said:


> Blindsided - you are so right!!!!
> The question I have for you is why are you so worried that others would find out.
> 
> I thought about your point quite a bit the last couple of days. I'm a fairly conservative person, and I guess I would feel ashamed. I don't deny I still have a lot of healing to do. But you're right! The heck with what anyone else thinks if they find out. Thanks! :smthumbup:


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

blindsided said:


> TGolbus said:
> 
> 
> > Blindsided - you are so right!!!!
> ...


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