# What do I do?



## scubasteve (Jun 17, 2011)

Ok I have a long one for you. This might be all over the pace because we just got into another argument over the same old crap again.....

I met my wife 5 years ago and she is great, beautiful, funny, smart and caring....We dated/lived together for 2 years and then got married. It was when we moved in together that I found out about her problem.... She is awful with money....She was constantly bouncing checks some times 10 a month and her father was taking care of it (some times over 300 a month in bank fees!!) So I told her it was a deal breaker and she stopped. THings were much better but she still has issues with money and now the bank fees are starting back, not as bad one this month and one last month but still..... I even have daily email reminders set up on her iphone to tell her the balance in her account. 

So she an independent councilor so she has to put checks into the account and keep track of her hours... So this adds to the issues

So I took control of the finances and she has an account for gas to go to work and play money but see spends more then what is in her account and then she doesn't get her checks on time and is constantly missing hours (recently she was missing almost 3000 dollars) .....what do I do???? I love her so much but I can't handle this anymore...I remind her all the time to check her account, I check her account and remind her to get her checks, got her some apps to help track her hours but she still won't take any responsibility....She just says "I'll do better from now on" After 5 years of hearing that I can't take it anymore...... 

I want her to take interest in this...I don't want to give her a gas card and an allowance....I want her to be independent.....I hear about all these women that the husband dies or leaves and then they have no idea about how to pay bills..... I think a good husband should help his wife how to do this just incase....If something happened to me I would feel awful if I didn't leave her the tools to take care of her self..... anyways maybe I am crazy and maybe I just need to give cash at the start of the month and once its gone its gone...... 

I work around 50 hours a week (half of the year on nights) I work 10-20 hours a week on her new company and I feel like she needs to just take some responsibility for her own bank account....

Any advice......I love her but I don't think I can do this anymore....


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

First, stop reminding her. Every time YOU take responsibility, you are saying she does not have to. 

You don't mention kids. Do you have any? If not, DON'T!

You say you can't take it anymore. I don't blame you! If that means this is still a deal breaker, tell her. Sit her down and say, you need to fix this for real for once and for all. If you don't, I am gone. THE next time this happens, I am done. Here is how I can help you.

- Her allowance account has a debit card BUT NO CHECKS, nothing to bounce. (This is a stepping stone to learning, NOT and end goal where you dole out the money for ever.)

- Make sure her allowance is enough. What is she over spending on? Presumably something that even she would agree is frivolous?

- Look into something like Total Money Makeover and/or You Need a Budget. Show her how to learn to budget.

You have been doing this for five years, she needs to know you mean it. So have somewhere to go the first time she screws the pooch. Stay for a week at a friends or whatever.

That would be my advice.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Mom6547 is right.

I will ask also, where is the extra money going?

Do you know, then address the specific problem areas.

Do you not know? Then get your woman to write down each and every transaction.

Again as Mom6547 mentions, if your woman relying on you to bail her out each time, nothing will change.

And I hear you as far as being a dealbreaker! 

But as well, short of packing up and divorcing, there are also incentives that you can put into place.

Establish a budget for everything. Work on this together with your woman.

Establish her gas/necessary expenses as a fixed budgeted amount.

Now this is important, something close to her heart, such as vacation fund, or eating out, or new clothing or jewelry or birthday fund, whatever, as long as something very important to her and she will care about. Establish this fund. And it's even better if it's tangible, such as cash in a jar.

And each time is she overspending her budget, then subtract the difference from this account fund that she will care about. If you literally have a jar, then yes, take the money out and put it toward making up her overspending.

As well, when she is back on track, the jar increases to the positive for the thing(s) that matter to her, and this is much incentive to continue without your constant intervention or concern.

So in this way, she is feeling and experiencing the effects of this issue in a tangible way that she will care about, as the correlation between her action and consequences are very real.

Find the way to show her the correlation of her actions, make the money and overspending less abstract, and more tangible to her, in ways that matter to her. 

I wish you well.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

BigBadWolf said:


> Now this is important, something close to her heart, such as vacation fund, or eating out, or new clothing or jewelry or birthday fund, whatever, as long as something very important to her and she will care about. Establish this fund. And it's even better if it's tangible, such as cash in a jar.


This tangibility thing is a big one for the author of Total Money Makeover. He STRONGLY suggests the use of an envelope budget system when you (she) first start(s) out because it is harder to separate from cash, and you can SEE it going away and then gone.



> And each time is she overspending her budget, then subtract the difference from this account fund that she will care about. If you literally have a jar, then yes, take the money out and put it toward making up her overspending.


Bear in mind this will only work if she is more motivated by the thing the fund is intended to fund than by the desire to spend.


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## scubasteve (Jun 17, 2011)

No we don't have any kids..... Problem with debit card is that there are still ways to pay fees if she makes auto payments..... 
I think I just need to give her cash..... Its so frustrating I hate to do this but I don't know what else to do.... I don't understand why she just can't be a little more financially responsible..... Like I said I have auto alerts every day, I have set up a budget, I have apps on her phone to keep track of hours.....

As far as the reminders so what am I supposed to do....If she is owed 3000 dollars for like 3 to 4 months what do I do??? Just say oh well we didn't need to make that car payment anyways??? I don't my credit to go down the drain because of this.....


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## scubasteve (Jun 17, 2011)

Oh the money is going to target most months 300 at target one month 200 this month....50 dollars on a membership she keeps on saying she forgets to cancel..... This is above and beyond the gas fund money we already have set up. And above and beyond the 400 GPS I got one month etc....


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

scubasteve said:


> No we don't have any kids..... Problem with debit card is that there are still ways to pay fees if she makes auto payments.....


When I had this problem with my husband, what I was this.

- Take over all bills. 

- The ONLY thing HER account is for is her necessities and slush money.

So she CANNOT overdraw. She shows up somewhere with the debit card, and it just says DECLINED. 




> I think I just need to give her cash..... Its so frustrating I hate to do this but I don't know what else to do.... I don't understand why she just can't be a little more financially responsible..... Like I said I have auto alerts every day, I have set up a budget, I have apps on her phone to keep track of hours.....


YOU have auto alerts. Until SHE learns to live within the money that she has, you are hosed. One way to do this is to make a system in which she CANNOT spend more than she has.




> As far as the reminders so what am I supposed to do....If she is owed 3000 dollars for like 3 to 4 months what do I do??? Just say oh well we didn't need to make that car payment anyways??? I don't my credit to go down the drain because of this.....


You take over the bills until she learns not to spend.


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## scubasteve (Jun 17, 2011)

I am taking over the bills but the rainy day account can only take 3K out of it for so long..... 3K might not be much to you but almost half of our monthly income after taxes and 401K..... So if she is owed 3k for 4 months I am pissed....Hell if she is owed 300 it upsets me.....I get the spending account but I don't know what to do with her job..... Missing hours and money owed....And its like she doesn't care...she will get all teary eyed and say she cares and its very important and she'll try better but it keeps happening....


Please answer:

Am I being too hard on her? getting upset when she goes into over draft? Or when she is missing money on her check because she entered it wrong. Am I being to hard on her when thousands of dollars are owed to her for 3-4 months? 

How am I supposed to feel about these things..... I feel like I am going crazy....


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Who is saying you are being hard on her? Your woman?

My opinion, you are certainly not being hard on her.

But my question, why should this matter what anyone else thinks, or how you "supposed to feel"? :scratchhead:

You know better than anyone else on this planet this matter, since you are the one being responsible, and you yourself know better than anyone else on this planet what are your goals, purposes, dreams for yourself and your family!

And to reach these goals, purposes, dreams, it most likely takes solvency. 

If you simply need to vent, then vent away!

But if there is more to this, in creating inside you so much resentment to your woman it is eating away at you, then what can be some beneficial ways to replace this resentment with constructive plans and actions?

Attending a basic financial workshop together?

Coming up with a 5 year, or 10 year financial plan together, and crunching numbers so both of you are working to the common goal?

Perhaps at the core of this, your woman is content to let you give her cash, and rely on you to keep her out of trouble, and she does not want to be her own financial leader, or even co-leader. 

If this is the case (it's likely), could you and would you be content with this expectation? To put this in action, removing this one expectation from your woman, and removing the frustration from yourself of your woman's mistakes costing you so much money and emotional turmoil?

Consider these things.


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## scubasteve (Jun 17, 2011)

Yeah I guess I want some validation.... I think there is defiantly some resentment and its effecting our relationship..... I guess its been going on for so long that it has become normal and I don't want to be over reacting...

But yeah after talk to you both I'll take complete control and she will just have a allowance for gas and "stuff" and once its gone its gone....

The only think I can't take control of is her checks.... I cannot ask her employer to pay her can I ? I tried that once and she got very mad at me..... So when 3K is out there for months on end I don't know how to handle that... How do I take control of the finances if I can't get all of the money????


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

scubasteve said:


> I am taking over the bills but the rainy day account can only take 3K out of it for so long..... 3K might not be much to you but almost half of our monthly income after taxes and 401K..... So if she is owed 3k for 4 months I am pissed....Hell if she is owed 300 it upsets me.....I get the spending account but I don't know what to do with her job..... Missing hours and money owed....And its like she doesn't care...she will get all teary eyed and say she cares and its very important and she'll try better but it keeps happening....


You are upset. So you can't really hear what is being said to you.

It keeps happening. You need to SET EFFECTIVE LIMITS. You need to say, firmly, with ACTION, that this is a non-negotiable REQUIREMENT of your marriage. That SHE take responsibility.

You don't do this by reminding. You don't do this by getting upset and having yet another useless discussion.

You do this by SETTING EFFECTIVE LIMITS. Go back and re-read the action plan set above. What choice does she have beside learn to curb her spending or be so absurd that show her you mean business by leaving.

Her tears are likely genuine. But later that week, month... she slips back into her old ways because she does not have a STRONG motivator to change. When the rubber hits the road, you have gone along with it so far.

How you pay the debt, I don't know. Total Money Makeover is probably your best bet.




> Please answer:
> 
> Am I being too hard on her?


No. You are likely being
- to easy on her
- really ineffective.



> getting upset when she goes into over draft?


The problem with getting upset is that it is not USEFUL.



> Or when she is missing money on her check because she entered it wrong. Am I being to hard on her when thousands of dollars are owed to her for 3-4 months?
> 
> How am I supposed to feel about these things..... I feel like I am going crazy....


Feel whatever you feel. Then go back and re-read my action plan to CHANGE this.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

scubasteve said:


> Yeah I guess I want some validation.... I think there is defiantly some resentment and its effecting our relationship..... I guess its been going on for so long that it has become normal and I don't want to be over reacting...
> 
> But yeah after talk to you both I'll take complete control and she will just have a allowance for gas and "stuff" and once its gone its gone....
> 
> The only think I can't take control of is her checks.... I cannot ask her employer to pay her can I ? I tried that once and she got very mad at me..... So when 3K is out there for months on end I don't know how to handle that... How do I take control of the finances if I can't get all of the money????


I don't understand the missing hours, how she gets paid or what the 3K is all about. Can you clarify that, please?


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## scubasteve (Jun 17, 2011)

She is kinda sorta an independent contractor. She teaches kids with autism (one on one).... So she enters in her hours on the 1st and 15 of each month.... Some times she does enter in her time right (missing hours) then later she figures out she is missing time and has to go back and get payment or they will make a mistake and not pay her the right amount.... 

So she will send an email to correct the problem and then forget about it.... no follow up nothing so in the past 6 months they have owed her as much as 3000 (above and beyond her semi monthly check). Currently we are down to about 500..... But we get it down then something happens and it goes back up.....

I can't track her hours, make sure enters them correctly and make sure the check is for the right amount of money.....
And even if I do that I can't contact her employer if she is missing time....


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

scubasteve said:


> She is kinda sorta an independent contractor. She teaches kids with autism (one on one).... So she enters in her hours on the 1st and 15 of each month.... Some times she does enter in her time right (missing hours) then later she figures out she is missing time and has to go back and get payment or they will make a mistake and not pay her the right amount....


You have to be joking me?



> So she will send an email to correct the problem and then forget about it.... no follow up nothing so in the past 6 months they have owed her as much as 3000 (above and beyond her semi monthly check).


Really they don't. If she can't be bothered to enter her time, they don't pay her.

She is a child.



> Currently we are down to about 500..... But we get it down then something happens and it goes back up.....
> 
> I can't track her hours, make sure enters them correctly and make sure the check is for the right amount of money.....


Nor should you. SHE should. It takes 28 days to make a habit. It would take her exactly that amount of time of FORCING herself to enter her time every single day. Or develop a calendar habit ... or whatever it takes.






> And even if I do that I can't contact her employer if she is missing time....


No you can't. Likely the 3k is sunk. But seriously, unless you give her rubber meets the road motivation to do something, she is going to keep doing this. 

Considered dragging her into counseling?


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## scubasteve (Jun 17, 2011)

We got most of the money, just 500 behind right now...... anyways I agree.....


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

BigBadWolf said:


> Who is saying you are being hard on her? Your woman?


Curious, why do you refer to her as "woman"? He does not own her. She may be his WIFE. Do you not know that that is a pejorative?


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## scubasteve (Jun 17, 2011)

yeah we have been.... it did help but we stopped and it came back....
Um I think she needs to see someone for herself... A coach or someone who can help her with time management.....


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