# financial responsibility?



## FloridaBryce (Sep 17, 2013)

I've been arguing recently with my fiance (whom I've dated for 2 years now) over an issue which to me seems like a complete non-issue. A little background: we're currently in a long distance relationship (same state at least) since she's finishing an advanced degree, while i'm settled down and working in a place that is hometown for both of us. Even though we are engaged, she is still traditional in that when she comes home for the holidays, she stays with her parents and not with me. In essence, she is still her parents' daughter first and my future wife second. 

She's been on vacation for most of this summer, and when she went back earlier this month to start school, she found herself in the unfortunate situation of not having housing. So, in the interim, she had been staying in a hotel which her parents were paying for. She also had some male friends in the area who had offered their place to crash while she continued to look for permanent housing. Because of my work schedule, I had not been able to visit her until her 2nd weekend there. 

One week prior to my visiting, she had told me that she no longer wanted to stay in the hotel due to the costs. She also told me that she could go stay with her male friends but preferred not to. I told her (since she didn't have any other choice) that I would be ok with her staying with her male friends for the week, after which she could just stay with me in my hotel when I visited. I let her know we would go look at housing while I was there and unbeknownst to her, I was planning to cosign for her in order to secure housing (since she has no personal income). 

When the weekend came for me to visit, she surprised me by expressing to me how disappointed and hurt she was that in our conversation the previous weekend (described above), I had not offered to pay for a hotel and instead would let her go stay with a male friend. She stated that this showed I wasn't ready to be married and that I did not yet know how to take care of someone. I told her that at this point, certain things are still her own or her parents' responsibility, which is why it didn't occur to me to offer her an indefinite stay at a hotel. I also said that if she had told me that she needed my help in regard to the hotel, I would've put her up in one anyway. 

However, she's fixated on the fact that I didn't offer on my own accord. She insists that this means that i don't regard her as closely as she does me, and that now she no longer feel secure around me. And the fact that I mentioned it's her own responsibility just shows that I'm "not serious about her". It's come to a point where she's teetering on calling it quits over this. I know she's not intentionally trying to give me a hard time, but that she genuinely feels sadness over this. I sympathize with her sadness, but I can't back down because I truly do not feel I did anything wrong. 

For context, ever since we started dating 2 years ago, I have paid for everything (literally 100%, any costs when we go out, vacations, gifts, etc.) I have even promised and assured her throughout that I would take care of her once married and she could work or not work as she chooses. Yet, despite all this, I'm facing the end of this relationship because of this hotel issue??

She's a truly sweet girl and I love her dearly, but I'm wondering if this is a sign of things to come. Is there any validity to her dissatisfaction with me over this issue?

Any advice/comments appreciated.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Your fiancé seems like an entitled princess. I'd let her grow up some more. Preferably without support from her parents. 

Just based on this quick post... I very well may be wrong. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

I think you're right....
she sounds immature.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Middle-aged woman chiming in here...

1) Why is this princess still living off her parents? She's in GRAD SCHOOL, for God's sake!

2) Why is this princess "on vacation" for the whole summer, but has "no money" for an apartment, a hotel, anything?

3) Why do you pay 100% of the costs of EVERYTHING? Why doesn't she have a job...even a part-time job?

4) Why is she going to Grad School if she doesn't even have to work when you're married? Why waste the time/money? 

Your girlfriend (not WOMAN-FRIEND) is WAY too spoiled and immature to be married! She is looking or a wallet and a free-ride. Do you HONESTLY believe this spoiled princess could be 1/2 of a TEAM with you? A team that has a COMMON vision, a common goal, a team that WORKS TOGETHER to build a future?

Cuz I sure don't see it! I personally think you are dodging ONE HUGE BULLET! Dump this girl and find a WOMAN who can be a partner that YOU can depend on! (The future is unknown...why saddle yourself with an overgrown teenager?)


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are the two of you?

You have no financial responsibility to pay her rent or support her. You two are not married.

Once you are married, if that ever happens, she is a responsible to support you as your are to support her. You are responsible for each other.

She thinks you are responsible to support her right now because you are a man? Well if she believes that gender specific roles for marriage apply before marriage, is she rushing over to your place to cook you dinner very night and clean up for you? I'll bet not because her thoughts are one way... her way, for your benefit only.

By the way, her comment about some guys letting her stay at their place is called a sh!t test. She set up some scenario try to force you to prove yourself worthy of her. You failed. This is what abusive people do. They play this kind of game and then punish the other who fails the rest.. they punish them relentlessly. Why? Because it's a way to beat you down so that over time you become her kicking boy who gives her whatever she wants no matter how ridiculous it is.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Also, have you talked to her parents about the money issue? If not.. maybe they gave her the $$ for rent and she thought she's get you to pay the rent so she can keep the rent $$ for her own play money.

I have a nephew who tried to do this to his dad (my brother) for the 2013/2014 school year. He gave his dad a sob story about how he'd be living out of his truck for the entire school year because he had no money for rent.

I told my brother to not give the kid any more $$ until he opened up all his finances to his dad. Well it turns out that my nephew had plenty of money... even bought himself a complete new bedroom set, large screen TV, new computer ... and is living in a nice apartment with some friends. I guess he just thought he could guilt trip his father into a grand or so more a month.


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## FloridaBryce (Sep 17, 2013)

Thanks for the responses. To be fair, she doesn't expect me to pay her rent. Her parents will be handling that for her. But I guess that doesn't really change my situation much.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Run as fast and as far as you can from this entitled snowflake.

You will regret it, oh how you'll regret it if you stay!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

FloridaBryce said:


> Thanks for the responses. To be fair, she doesn't expect me to pay her rent. Her parents will be handling that for her. But I guess that doesn't really change my situation much.


In your first post, you said that she wanted you to pay for her to have a place to stay for at least some time.. how long was that for?

And why were her parents not paying it?


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

OP, I agree with a lot of the other posts. My biggest question is how could she afford to go vacationing all summer and then have no money for her housing? Also, doesn't it show irresponsibility to do this and not reserve housing? It is not as if this was her first semester and she didn't know how things worked at college - she is a grad student, she new housing would be full by the time she got there. 

However, I can tell that you would like to keep this relationship going. This really isn't about money, this is about unrealistic expectations and poor communication. 

Dr. Phil has a good book called "Relationship Rescue". It teaches couples how to communicate and gives you homework you do individually and together so you can practice the techniques. Perhaps she will agree to do that with you.

OP, her lack of responsibility in not reserving housing and then expecting you to pay for her room and then blaming you for not doing it - is concerning. If she is not willing to admit she is being unfair and commit to working on a better relationship with you, you need to pay attention to that.


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## FloridaBryce (Sep 17, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> In your first post, you said that she wanted you to pay for her to have a place to stay for at least some time.. how long was that for?
> 
> And why were her parents not paying it?


She wanted me to offer to pay for a hotel until she found an apartment, so it was for an indefinite amount of time. Her parents would then pay her rent once she did find an apartment. Her parents were actually already paying for her hotel stay, but then she moved out of the hotel because she thought it was too expensive. So, I guess she was hoping I'd take over the hotel costs in order to save her parents a few bucks.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

FloridaBryce said:


> She wanted me to offer to pay for a hotel until she found an apartment, so it was for an indefinite amount of time.


So she wanted you to pay her rent for an indefinite period of time. Whether it’s a hotel room or an apartment... it can be called “rent”. Nit picking words does not change what she wanted. She wants you to foot her bill for an indefinite period of time.



FloridaBryce said:


> Her parents would then pay her rent once she did find an apartment. Her parents were actually already paying for her hotel stay, but then she moved out of the hotel because she thought it was too expensive. So, I guess she was hoping I'd take over the hotel costs in order to save her parents a few bucks.


You did not answer my previous question. Did you actually discuss this with her parents? I find it hard to believe that they would just stop paying for her rent (hotel) with the plan of picking it up again at some time in the future when she finds an apartment.

She is wrong in trying to get you to foot her bills. 

Again, how old are the two of you?


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

FloridaBryce said:


> For context, ever since we started dating 2 years ago, I have paid for everything (literally 100%, any costs when we go out, vacations, gifts, etc.) I have even promised and assured her throughout that I would take care of her once married and she could work or not work as she chooses.


She sees you as nothing more than a big wallet with a penis of indeterminate size.

And that's largely your fault.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I am curious if she has always felt this way. That you need to support her. That she has always expected you to look after her financially.

If the answer is no, then I would be wondering if this her way of putting some blame on you for something she did. Did she actually move in with the male friends?


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I see now (after reading more closely) that she has always been entitled and has always expected you to pay for everything. I must say that this is a terrible way to start a relationship. Especially, when she doesn't sound grateful and actually feels entitled to more than you are already giving.

I would think long and hard about this engagement. Sounds to me like nothing is going to be good enough for her.


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## aeasty (Jun 5, 2013)

Sorry to say it but sounds like you got a expensive money sucking leech!!! I had a wife who thought similar to your girlfriend. It wont end well she has unrealistic expectations for this day and age you aren't married and don't live together when she comes back from collage at that you don't owe this girl anything. I would guarantee she is only with you for the money and if you do end up getting married the sex life will disappear until she wants a kid to lock your bank down and then once she gets pregnant it will stop again. she is just looking for a free ride the collage would just be to make mummy and daddy happy


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