# The Ex from High School...



## Lu-Lu (Feb 4, 2010)

Long post... I'm sorry! But I need your help because I have nobody to talk about this.
I have a wonderful husband. We have been together for 4 years now. We had the most beautiful story. He's affectionate, sweet, more than any other guy I ever knew. He treats me like nobody ever did. I trust him to death. He does "little things" like cooking me dinner, holding me all night, doing dishes or bring me a glass of wine after work all the time. So... What's wrong?
Around a year after we started dating (and were living together), we were having a drink and he told me that he still missed his first love, a girl he dated in high-school. When he saw my face he said "well, sometimes..."
That killed the magic we had until that moment. He didn't mention her for a few months after that, but I couldn't help it. I felt that if he was missing someone else "our" love wasn't THAT great.
Later on, he mentioned her a few times... He said she was "the sweetest girl ever" and that "they had big plans". I asked him about the story and she cheated on him and broke his heart, then moved to another state.
One night he got up in the middle of the night. I thought he was going to the bathroom and fell back asleep. Like half an hour later I woke up and he was still gone. I went to the living room and found him on the computer. This girl's myspace profile was on the screen. He was trying to contact her.
We had a big fight, he told me that he had dreams about her. Then he said he just wanted to say "hi"... I was very hurt and dissapointed. He promised not to try to contact her again.
Months went by without mentioning her. My husband proposed. We got married.
A year into our marriage, I found a myspace profile he created way back when he first found her. It said he was single, living in a different city and was full of pictures of himself only. And we were living together! I checked on the "last visited" day and it was before he proposed.
Anyway, I kept saying to myself that I need to get over it. My husband DOES really love me. The thing is that the ex keeps "appearing" in conversations. We were out one night with one heart-broken friend of ours, and my husband said that he never "got over his ex completely". He told me that he said that to "Sympathize" with his friend. Then a few days after that he said that if he could "go back to high-school he would"
The thing is, I know he loves me but I feel that he will never love me the way he loved her. It is strange because he really did stop trying to contact her, SHOWS me with facts that he loves me, but still every now and then reminds me that he STILL misses his ex after 10 years. I feel like a 2nd best and it hurts. It really does. Am I being irrational?? Please help me, I have no one to talk to and this is not letting me sleep. Thanks for bearing with me through this extensive post.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He's just looking at what he thinks is greener grass because SHE was the one who left. He never got closure. If I were you, I'd sit down with him one day and talk about it. Be sympathetic; it has to hurt to be in his shoes. Talk about what would have happened. Realistically. Odds are really big that she was a User and she would have cheated on him, probably multiple times. After awhile, that great love he had would have been beaten down to anger, apathy, and even hatred of her.

If you can help him sort through this and put a reality check on his fantasy he's maintained about her, it will help him let go.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

?


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## mike1 (Jun 15, 2009)

I think there might always be someone in any of our past that we could think 'what if...?" 

He's got to grow up and get over this adolescent behavior. He's married to you now and if he loves you he needs to stop talking about it. I'm floored that he would bring her up in conversation, that's crazy!! You shouldn't have to but apparently you might have to point out to him that bringing up ex-girlfriends the way he does is extremely disrespectful to you. Not to mention hurtful, insensitive, etc, etc. It sounds like he does love you but he's being a buffoon. Let him know that this isn't negotiable and he's not to make any further attempts to contact this girl. 

OhGeesh gave horrible advice IMO about having him contacting her. That's ridiculous and opens the gates to all sorts of things. True sometimes that could bring closure but if he's harbored feelings for her all these years then it could easily make those feeling even stronger. It could create a bond and open the door for real infidelity. There are women in my past that I'm curious about but I wouldn't want to start contacting them or be 'friends' with them because it could easily turn into something else.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Isn't he already trying to contact her Mike1? I'm just trying to explain a possiblility as to why and how in my situation is was just closure. 

More than likely what he will find is she isn't harboring anything, she is happy in her life, and then you will see some the true intentions of him wanting to get in touch with her.

Maybe I'm just strong as a oak and others aren't!! Everyone blames their affairs on Facebook, Myspace, this website, that person, there is only one person to blame!!


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## Lu-Lu (Feb 4, 2010)

First of all, thanks everyone so much! 
He hasn't tried to contact her anymore since that night I found out... 
He knows this hurts me and now he won't mention her... It's been a pretty long time since he has... maybe a year already.
The problem is that after all he has said and done I can't help but to feel a 2nd choice. It drives me crazy. I wish I never knew about her HS GF. I have talked to him about this and well, he knows he hurt me and regrets it. STILL I can't help thinking that deep inside, he wishes things would have worked out with her instead of being married to me... 
I just don't know how to deal with it, it's in the back of my mind and has ruined a lot of great moments for me.
I repeat, he is a very sweet and caring husband, and I know he loves me.
I just don't think I'm "the love of his life" :/
I'm sorry, maybe I'm just nuts.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

That's good lu-lu!!

Don't feel that way at all really we all love and have loved people some more than others. Remember he is married to you, he cares for you, comes home to you, works for you, spends time with you, he may have cared for his ex as anyone would, but who did he choose?

He chose you!! Like I said my first love will always be my first love, but I would never trade for my wife even if I do wonder what she's doing from time to time.

Life is too short enjoy it, love every minute of it, and if you still feel funny go have a few drinks with him and talk about it!!

Here to having a fun filled fullfilling marriage.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Honestly, it sounds to me more like you have self-esteem issues. My H dealt with old classmates a lot in our first 15 or so years of marriage, but I had no doubt in my mind that he chose me, so it didn't bother me. 

If I were you, I would find a good psychologist to visit, just to have someone to bounce stuff off of - and to give you tasks to do, to help you build your own self-esteem.


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## Lu-Lu (Feb 4, 2010)

Thank you all SO much for your answers. All of you are right in some way. It really helps to see things through other people's eyes. OhGeesh thanks for sharing your experience with me. And Turnera, you have a point. All this XGF thing undermined my self-esteem and I have to get it back.
Thanks thanks thanks!


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## 1-12-t1 (Aug 7, 2011)

Alright well im going to be "that guy". I fell in love with my hs sweetheart too. She was my first and i was her second. TO ME, i always felt 2nd. Not good enough to be her first. Was always on my mind. everyday. Go to bed thinkin about it, wake up thinkin about it, having trigger words... And we were always off and on. One time we were off she slept with another dude. I didnt find out till couple months later. Now i feel 3rd. And those guys are always running thru my head. I left her. This is my 3rd day of leaving for good. Not looking back, i dont know about you but im young, 19. I know i will find a girl that i wont have to feel a number to. I loved the hell out of her. cried almost 3 days straight - at work and everything. Moms bar, home, front of her, in my car. I grieved. But i know its right to leave her behind. She was the love of my life. But i know i dont need to feel 3rd best. Nor do you. The good lord works in mysterious ways. Believe in him and he will send you in a good direction. Pray about it, and dont be afraid to leave.


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## Sicktomystomach (Aug 5, 2011)

You are definitely on the right path. God gives us faith to keep us strong. You are so young but so mature. You don't deserve abuse from someone you loved. And it's not because you were first,second ot third. It's because she has no morals and cares nothing about your feelings or anyone elses's,just hers.
She may try to get you back but resist the temptation to even give her the time of day. They do this to prove they are still in control. She may promise you the moon. Hand it back to her. 
I know you are hurting deeply right now. It hurts so much to know that someone you loved is less then you thought and always will be. 
If it's meant to be,God will send you a person who knows they are worthy of your love and treasures you as much as you treasure them. 
The grieving process IS a process but one day,you will say,"What did I ever see in her"?
God bless you. I hear your pain but you cetainly have the right attitude. Avoid her at all costs. Don't let her lure you back into her web. She doesn't even deserve to hear the sound of your voice.


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## roamingmind (Jul 20, 2011)

Lulu,

Have you sat down with him and told him what you have told us? 

I do feel the way he mentions her comes across as comparing you to her (possibly without him realizing it) and I don't blame you a bit for feeling the way you feel. He is being insensitive, and he probably needs a closure . I am not you so I don't know if you can get over this with time; but if I were you, I would do some research on the topic " need for closure" , it's a psychology term. It might help you understand and cope with the situation.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

1-12-t1 said:


> Alright well im going to be "that guy". I fell in love with my hs sweetheart too. She was my first and i was her second. TO ME,_ i always felt 2nd_. Not good enough to be her first.


Isn't that a little illogical? Were you two saving yourselves for each other or something, or did she simply have a different dating history than you? If it was the former, you'd have a reason. If it was the latter, you weren't AROUND when she had her first, so how could you being 'good enough' have made any difference? YOU WEREN'T THERE!



> Was _always on my mind_. everyday. Go to bed thinkin about it, wake up thinkin about it, having trigger words... And we were _always off and on_. One time we were off she slept with another dude. I didnt find out till couple months later. _Now i feel 3rd_. And those guys are _always running thru my head_. I left her.


All those parts in italics - those are your low self esteem talking. They have nothing to do with her, or your relationship. It was all you, beating yourself up and thinking you aren't worthy. That isn't going to change, no matter WHO you date. You will drive the next girl away, too, if you don't get some therapy or do some reading to learn to love yourself.



> This is my 3rd day of leaving for good. Not looking back, i dont know about you but im young, 19.
> She was the love of my life.


Saying this very gently...
you are 19, ok? The love of your life? You haven't lived a FIFTH of your life yet. How can she be the love of your life? She is just your FIRST. There's a big difference. And if you go through life comparing all the future girls against her, you are setting yourself up for failure. Enjoy that she was your first, thank her for being your first, and prepare yourself to meet other, more mature women as you mature, educate yourself for your career, and move on in your life. I know it's hard to see it at your age, but there's a LOT OF LIVING yet to do that have nothing to do with your first love.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Some people remain wistful over things they had no control over ending. This sounds like your husband.

You need to sit him down and tell him how this is making you feel and go from there.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

Hopefully as he ages he'll realize that Disney endings aren't actually real. 

The real unfortunate thing is that he didn't have another year or two with his "first love". The bloom would have been a little off of the rose once real life entered into the picture.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

To the OP... your husband is being insensitive to repeatedly mention his Ex from many years past. You are being a lot kinder of this than alot of others in your situation. To me, the past, is the past, and i don't want to here you mention yours, especially if you have found memories of them. I would not take it to kindly to hear about this, especially more than once.

Ask him how he'd feel if you mentioned your old black boyfriend from college who had a tree branch for a c0ck, and how he'd have you screaming all night while the girls in the dorm room next to you would beat on the walls.

If he can't comprehend how this makes you feel, there is indeed something wrong with him.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

turnera said:


> He's just looking at what he thinks is greener grass because SHE was the one who left. He never got closure. If I were you, I'd sit down with him one day and talk about it. Be sympathetic; it has to hurt to be in his shoes. Talk about what would have happened. Realistically. Odds are really big that she was a User and she would have cheated on him, probably multiple times. After awhile, that great love he had would have been beaten down to anger, apathy, and even hatred of her.
> 
> If you can help him sort through this and put a reality check on his fantasy he's maintained about her, it will help him let go.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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