# First bad drunk night of my life!!



## Dad2021 (Dec 2, 2021)

I am a dad who has three kids (young under 9). I do everything for those three amazing kids. They are my life and I show them all the love in the world. My wife is amazing and is the apple of my life. Do we argue? Sure, but for the most part we have great relationship. 

We drove up the coast about 8.5 hours to a sleep over at one of my wives family house. This happened around 12 - 18 days ago. Anyway I said something that was nosey regarding her male cousin and why he has cut certain people out. I wasn't trying to be obnoxious but like the other members and wanted to figure out how that can change.. He said there are issues I am not aware of etc...... anyway his wife found out yelled at me and I left the house for about an hour and slept in the car.. My wife was furious! She also told me she was aware of me partaking in a conversation with her female cousin discussing her dad and his past issues (substance abuse). I said she brought it up and that I probably added to it, but now I am freaking out that he will now find out and everyone will think I started it and blame me that I was 100% saying it etc..

Anyway, on the extremely long drive while the kids were sleeping my wife and I spoke. She was very much embarrassed by me and said all though I was worried for a divorce she said no. Why? She said you can't do this again. You have to take control! If you go out I don't want to have this conversation again. I don't get drunk often if ever. 

Almost up to 19 days since and I still bring it up to her like I am worried she is mad or what happens if her dad finds out about the issue discussed and its brought on its all me instead of both of us... Also whether her guy relative and whether I ruined their relationship. She said what is annoying her is that I am bringing it up so much. I apologized through a text to her male relative and said I was sorry, but got no response. It was uncomfortable packing the family up the next morning as I did not speak to anyone. I spoke to my wife and she said she is not reaching out to him because although I was wrong she doesn't think it was cool that his wife yelled at me and wouldn't accept my apology. She said it could have been finished in two minutes or less.. Instead it was made more... 

FYI - I deal with constant anxiety before this. Everyday something is going wrong in my life in my head. It is exhausting. I just don't know what to do... I love my family so much. Its been almost three weeks and I just MOPE around the house all day long. 

We love each other a lot... I am suppose to be going on a business trip to the UK and I am thinking about canceling it.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Honestly it doesn't sound like that big of a calamity to me. It does sound like you have a lot of anxiety and I think you ought to go to a psychologist or psychiatrist and just get meds for that. It will probably make you calm down in general. If you feel drinking makes you do things you wouldn't normally or say things you wouldn't normally, then don't drink. 

But just from what you said I just don't see how this is that big of an issue. Get on some anxiety meds so you can relax and not be worried about every little thing and afraid to do things. Good luck.


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## Dad2021 (Dec 2, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Honestly it doesn't sound like that big of a calamity to me. It does sound like you have a lot of anxiety and I think you ought to go to a psychologist or psychiatrist and just get meds for that. It will probably make you calm down in general. If you feel drinking makes you do things you wouldn't normally or say things you wouldn't normally, then don't drink.
> 
> But just from what you said I just don't see how this is that big of an issue. Get on some anxiety meds so you can relax and not be worried about every little thing and afraid to do things. Good luck.


The issue is with her male relative there must have been serious issues why they are no longer speaking to each other... I don't see it and since they are good to us I was asking questions with her male relative... Being pushy possibly... Regarding her dad ... He got kicked out of their apartments probably 17 - 20 times before my wife turned 18. It was a tough life since she always had to move.. Its like he gets a free pass and its more like poor him. My wife due to that fact has done well for herself and is extremely independent. Her dad not so much, but still communicates with the family members that were at the party that I am not that close with. Although the discussion about him and her female cousin was about the hard life moving etc and what he did etc The topic of excessive alcohol throughout the years was brought up ... My wife heard it and I am nervous I was the one who will get the blame and he will find out also. As soon as the issue went down it was probably a GANG UP on me... I assume like those reality housewife shows. I said that to my wife and she said what the "F" is wrong with you man.

I am just nervous her guy cousin will never talk again. I feel awful... Yes most of my days are filled with ANXIETY... I very much embarrassed by my actions. I deal with "what ifs" 99.9% of the time. I took anxiety medicine, but I couldn't work on it and it had issues with other meds.

My wife said is she happy with it? Well no... Is she over it she said well yes. She said keep your mouth shut and do not drink like that again in public. She said she will bring it up again in the future as a dig to you... She said probably...


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Get on anxiety meds and stop drinking.


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## Dad2021 (Dec 2, 2021)

Regarding the DAD - not sure if everyone knows about the total issue.. exact Alchol abuse and I think I might get blamed for spreading that and he will find out and I will be blamed.

Regarding her male relative - he has basically turned his back to a big portion of their family (two members that I actually like) and blaming them etc... I simply said you should really reach out etc etc ... They were the hosts and they have done stuff for us give them another chance ... Wife yelled at me..

Was I wrong for being nosy??? 100%

Drink again... That was the first time it has ever happened. I think it had to do with the stress I have been under... I drank way way too much and way way too quickly. Never in a million years have a had that much...

I am just worried my wife will change her mind.... She is just getting annoyed I am bringing it over day. Said don't do it again! Control yourself.

Oh and thank you


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Your irrational fear of her divorcing you is all part of that "what if" obsessive ruminating thought patterns that are characteristic of untreated generalized anxiety disorder. To think your wife would divorce you over this is completely over the top.

Assuming the incident was exactly as described with you questioning why the male cousin cut certain people out of his life, so what? If there's a backstory and you didn't know it how can you be blamed for simply asking the question?

If it was me I'd be like "sorry if I ruffled any feathers, I was just wondering what happened with male cousin and the falling out with certain family members", and that's the end of any real thought I'd put into it. There's no way in hell I'd be sleeping in the car, nor would I be all that embarassed about asking the question in the first place. Not your fault if someone did something really messed up that caused some sort of rift and that's what I'd tell my wife if we were still married and she was all bent out of shape over it.

The more you apologize and worry about it the more weight and substance you put into it.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

I'm kinda with everyone else. Chillax, dude. Every family has drama. And everyone, and I do mean everyone, slips up from time to time. As my funniest mom friend likes to say, spend enough time together and everyone is gonna eventually show their a$$. It doesn't define you as a person.


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

Dad2021 ??

you posted:

_FYI - I deal with constant anxiety before this. Everyday something is going wrong in my life in my head. It is exhausting. I just don't know what to do... I love my family so much. Its been almost three weeks and I just MOPE around the house all day long. _

I think it would be prudent if you read a few "male oriented" books. "No more Mr. Nice Guy" and "Married Man's Sex Life Primer" come to mind. Then add in a few on self appreciation and life philosophy.

I suggest you move forward by reviewing your own integrity and what that means to you. 

Your post alludes to "wife's family" members that have some issues - I deduce that the "issues" violate rules of common decency (integrity) and also you should consider grandma's old saying:

_If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all._

I am not a person who believes "IC" is a fix-all thing to do - but - it does offer the possibility of bouncing your thoughts off another person in an impartial (!?) way. IF you find a good "IC"

And you should work on communication with your wife. What you post indicates there is more than the usual disconnect of communication between the sexes.

A word of caution - do not discuss matters of matrimony anytime children are within earshot. Even "asleep in the back seat." Five year olds hear and their cognitive analysis abilities pretty much do not exist. Children have enough stress growing up without worrying about the stability of their family. 

Then " - MOPE around the house - " for "all day long" - dude you need to get a grip - get off your posterior and DO something useful. Paint a room. Wax the car. Pull weeds out of the flower beds. Go fishing. Run. Go for a hike in the forest. Find an interest group of some kind and join in on the activities. Something like the Isaac Walton League for example. Sign up for a class at the community college. Photogryphy? Wood working? Fly Tying? (yes local community college where I live has such a course!) 

In short - get off your duff feeling sorry for yourself. You control how your life happens. Some things take a lot of time to make better - others not so much. Don't like squash in any form on your plate at dinner time? Tell you wife you won't eat it. There are LOTS of alternative vegetables to choose from. Don't like Plaid Shirts? Give them to Goodwill.
Buy yourself what you like - get a Land's End catalog! (good stuff and $$$) but it is worth having some nice duds.

"Today is the first day of the rest of your life." What are you going to do with the time?


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## Dad2021 (Dec 2, 2021)

Trident said:


> Your irrational fear of her divorcing you is all part of that "what if" obsessive ruminating thought patterns that are characteristic of untreated generalized anxiety disorder. To think your wife would divorce you over this is completely over the top.
> 
> Assuming the incident was exactly as described with you questioning why the male cousin cut certain people out of his life, so what? If there's a backstory and you didn't know it how can you be blamed for simply asking the question?
> 
> ...


The person (god father actually) thought I cornered them and was asking questions etc. I did not corner them (or at least I didn’t think so)… I mean come on! This issue could have been finished and don within seconds but it blew up! She wisked him away and yelled at me.. I followed the wife and apologized said get away etc… Was I wrong??? I think I should have not gotten into it. It has left me depressed for weeks.



Yes I do have the back story or forms of it. Is there slight bias since his family helped us financially etc yes. All of this broke out around 2 – 2.5 years after he ended his marriage. He was cheating on her and left with someone else. Took care of all parties financially, but that is extremely screwed up.. My business?? NO… Apparently there are issues who knows etc.. .. I am not sure what to believe on that topic. I am 100% wrong for getting in the middle of it. I was drunk and was like what the hell talk to them. I said to my wife in my family if I did that to you (left u etc etc) it would be brought up for ever. Again, not my business.



The situation at their house was one where I was a stranger and drank too much… I can’t complete about the stress I am under etc.. It was a bad mistake I haven’t done before.



I forgot to mention not only the dad but the mom of my wife was brought up alcohol abuse as they did get divorced. This was a one on one conversation, but the walls have ears and there is always the TELEPHONE GAME! Due to these facts my wife in her early years had many tough times. I am very nervous that some people will say I blabbed about his or her use when some people were unaware of it and that will end my marriage. I am so nervous the MOM (who doesn’t like me already) will then cause an issue between me and my wife. You see even though it is OBVIOUS regarding her mom and dad she believes not everyone knows and she doesn’t want that discussed even though I didn’t bring up the topic etc. I 100% added to it.



Before this I have already spoken to my wife about 8 times where the mom was short / or rude to me by a comment she made. I had to make a stink out of it for her to finally say something to her mom.

I have apologized numerous times to my wife regarding what had happened three weeks ago. She says stop bringing it up, but she has not spoken to anyone but her mom through texts and nothing was said. I know there has to be gossiping. I know the stories will be twisted. I am walking around like a ZOMBIE. I am not even into Christmas and just want to be left alone. I walked my two younger kids to school today and I was watching them like will this be the last time I walk them to school as the dad that lives within them and their mom. I am finding myself looking at the other dads and thinking my wife would be better with one of these guys…


It has been complete terror. I am just super sad. I have done little to no work (house or business).



I am nervous when my Mom asked me how my wifes cousin and family are this Christmas my wife will get sad and mad at me. I am just an absolute wreck!



As stated before yes I struggle with anxiety. I struggle with “what if” scenarios on a daily occurrence. I am a great dad and husband but the struggle is causing me to not be happy. I use to be extremely confident and now I am a shell of myself. I feel like maybe I should leave and she can have someone better. Maybe she is just saying no divorce because it’s a hassle. All these emotions



I so worried my wife is going to leave me. Writing this makes me sad.


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## Dad2021 (Dec 2, 2021)

ShatteredKat said:


> Dad2021 ??
> 
> you posted:
> 
> ...


Ok thank you! What do I do about my wife. I love her so much. I just freaking out that I ruined it all. It is crushing me.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Dad2021 said:


> The person (god father actually) thought I cornered them and was asking questions etc. I did not corner them (or at least I didn’t think so)… I mean come on! This issue could have been finished and don within seconds but it blew up! She wisked him away and yelled at me.. I followed the wife and apologized said get away etc… Was I wrong??? I think I should have not gotten into it. It has left me depressed for weeks.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Just remember one thing, no one is perfect all the time in all things. Not you, not your W, not relatives. And any stories from W and relative is being told to you 100% from their recollection and is also likely to be skewed towards their narrative and won't be 100% factual.

Don't be so hard on yourself.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Dad2021 said:


> *They are my life and I show them all the love in the world. My wife is amazing and is the apple of my life. .*


This is too funny - I had to address it. It's, "*apple of my EYE.*" 😚

*



I so worried my wife is going to leave me.

Click to expand...

*You seriously need to find your spine. I can't even read all this anxious nonsense you've posted; it's like reading a teenage drama queen's diary. Get some meds from your shrink and stop all the drama.

If I were you, I'd march right into your bedroom and take your damned testicles out of your wife's purse and put them *back* where they belong. You sound weak, weepy, desperate, and wimpy. Only YOU can stop acting like that. It's unappealing as Hell and I'm sure your wife would agree that it's NOT a turn on.

Now get to work.


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## Max.HeadRoom (Jun 28, 2014)

I’v delta with big anxiety all my life and in the spring of 2020 it ballooned to the point that it scared me. After months of fighting it I discovered that it started when I gave up black tea. Tea contains l-theanine; I may have been treating myself for decades. I got a bottle on took 300mg 2 pills & omg in 15 minutes I felt better. I’m now drinking a lot of unsweet tea again and I have some l-theanine at work, in the car & at home for when things spike. l-theanine supplements contain no caffeine.

I am not a dr or an expert; I’m just passing on something that has helped me. When I can’t stop my thoughts at night it also helps me sleep. It cheap and easily available. 

L-Theanine for Generalized Anxiety

What You Should Know About the Benefits and Risks of L-Theanine

oh. drinking does not help


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## Dad2021 (Dec 2, 2021)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> This is too funny - I had to address it. It's, "*apple of my EYE.*" 😚
> 
> 
> You seriously need to find your spine. I can't even read all this anxious nonsense you've posted; it's like reading a teenage drama queen's diary. Get some meds from your shrink and stop all the drama.
> ...


100% correct. So you would not be pissed if your husband did that? It wouldn't cause issues? So you are saying I am 1/2 a man at best? Geez At least a 1/4 of a man?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Dad2021 said:


> 100% correct. So you would not be pissed if your husband did that? It wouldn't cause issues? So you are saying I am 1/2 a man at best? Geez At least a 1/4 of a man?


She's not saying go in and start being abusive or yelling at or bullying your wife. She's saying you need to stand up for yourself. Your wife stands up for herself, right? She doesn't let people walk all over her? It's not aggressive to have standards for how you're treated. It's healthy.

Why are you so worried she'll divorce you? She married you. Clearly she's into you.  I think you're stressing yourself out worrying about things that haven't and likely won't happen, and frankly, you're missing out on a lot of cool stuff in life by driving yourself bezonkers. I'd talk to your doctor again, there's tons of options out there to help with anxiety. You may have to try multiple kinds to find what works for you. I know when I had post-partum, the first med we tried was Wellbutrin. We had to switch, it made me WAY too stabby and murdery. (It was kind of a bummer, because it also WAY suppressed my appetite) I was angry at everything, all the time, it was awful for everyone. So we tried something else and it worked like a charm. I really encourage you to give the meds another try. Better living through chemistry.


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## Thisnotthat (Oct 28, 2020)

Dude! Look at this thread....

Everybody here is telling you the same version of: "what happened was not a huge deal - the problem is your anxiety", and you keep replying with: "is what I did a really big deal?". Just f-ing stop!

Let me say it again in very simple terms: What you did was absolutely NOT a big deal. The problem is your anxiety! 

Here it is in bullet point format:

1) Don't worry about your wife or your extended family, they'll be fine
2) Stop drinking
3) Go get some help for your anxiety

That's it, man!


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## Thisnotthat (Oct 28, 2020)

Just to follow up, here are some things that people have mentioned that you should definitely try to do that could be helpful: 

*1) Exercise:* Are you getting some exercise every day? At least 20 minutes is recommended. Go get some exercise. Got a bicycle gathering dust in the garage? 
*2) See a Counselor:* Have you looked into this? Online options are available now, too. See about a counselor
*3) Meditation/prayer:* Do you have some sort of spiritual routine that you can do each day? Start one, lots of online resources available and maybe a local church you could reach out to
*4) Medical Consultation:* Are you established with a Doctor? Go make an appointment to talk with them. Go do that right now

A couple of other thoughts, if your in the Northern latitudes, this time of year can be really hard. Are you getting time outside or enough light? Most of us have to start hitting the Vitamin D by October, so be sure to ask your doctor (you made that appointment, right?) about that. Also, don't worry about the holidays. Your kids are going to be fine and you don't need the extra stress. Just relax into the holidays the best you can, and be sure to talk through that with your counselor (you did make that appointment, right?). 

Lastly, notice that "worrying about your in-laws/wife/marriage" is nowhere in the list above? That's because its completely counterproductive at this point. Get the other stuff sorted out and you can figure out the other crap later. This applies to anything else your fixating on right now, too. 

Out of control anxiety sucks, my friend. Go take care of it and get your life back!


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Dad2021 said:


> The person (god father actually) thought I cornered them and was asking questions etc. I did not corner them (or at least I didn’t think so)… I mean come on! This issue could have been finished and don within seconds but it blew up! She wisked him away and yelled at me.. I followed the wife and apologized said get away etc… Was I wrong??? I think I should have not gotten into it. It has left me depressed for weeks.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I know it may not seem like it to you, but you are stressing out over next to nothing. Your wife already told you it is over, stop talking about it, it is in the past. Why won't you believe her? You absolutely need some professional help if a relatively minor family incident like this has had you moping around and being a zombie for weeks. Imagine how you will feel if a truly major issue came up? You need to get ahead of that and get treated for this irrational fear and anxiety now.


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## rugswept (May 8, 2019)

Psychiatrist. This is not an insult. You're now damaged by something and a Dr. can categorize it real quick. It's either quick or almost never. You cannot examine or deal with the rest of it that you brought up until you get your anxiety under control. Believe it.

I got help. It worked. Quick. I recommend it.


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## Dad2021 (Dec 2, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I know it may not seem like it to you, but you are stressing out over next to nothing. Your wife already told you it is over, stop talking about it, it is in the past. Why won't you believe her? You absolutely need some professional help if a relatively minor family incident like this has had you moping around and being a zombie for weeks. Imagine how you will feel if a truly major issue came up? You need to get ahead of that and get treated for this irrational fear and anxiety now.


How is it minor? They are extremely close and might never talk again? Because I accidently got drunk and was a getting in the way of a family issue?? How can that make it a MAJOR issue for ME! He has already cut out his entire immediate family Which I am not suppose to judge according to my wife. He has always been good to her. At the end of the day I am the villain! 

Example - if I told my mom the issue she would be like why in the hell would you be a big mouth and ask stuff.. why?? why why... 

Also regarding the Mom. I am now worried she will hear that I was the one discussed the lots of alcohol abuse and started it all. Again, yes I said something and discussed, but it went 50/50. I feel the telephone game will cause more issues and spin everything against me.

Yes I am moping around. I have a pit in my stomach all day. I sleep downstairs. Mentally I am done. I honestly do not know how to move forward. Its been a struggle to just get up and get through each day. 

I am not doing work. I am just freaking out about my marriage. I can't really talk to my wife now... I do but deep down I am freaking out. Christmas is my favorite holiday etc / I do not care. Its like everything else do not matter.


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## Dad2021 (Dec 2, 2021)

Thisnotthat said:


> Just to follow up, here are some things that people have mentioned that you should definitely try to do that could be helpful:
> 
> *1) Exercise:* Are you getting some exercise every day? At least 20 minutes is recommended. Go get some exercise. Got a bicycle gathering dust in the garage?
> *2) See a Counselor:* Have you looked into this? Online options are available now, too. See about a counselor
> ...


I appreciate all the information. It is great! Anytime one takes the time to read something makes me feel good. 

1) Was and then stopped. I loved exercising, but always found an excuse not to. 

2) No I have not

3) No

4) Had one, but I ended it, because it was not helping at all. He was a doctor and it just wasn't doing anything for me. 

If you do not mind can I ask you about your last paragraph? Does that mean worry about myself, because my marriage might be over / or could be? I know what you mean you can't fix one without the other. I get that, but does it mean I am doomed. I love my family so much and do not want to lose them. The stress is just too much.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Dad2021 said:


> How is it minor? They are extremely close and might never talk again? Because I accidently got drunk and was a getting in the way of a family issue?? How can that make it a MAJOR issue for ME! He has already cut out his entire immediate family Which I am not suppose to judge according to my wife. He has always been good to her. At the end of the day I am the villain!
> 
> Example - if I told my mom the issue she would be like why in the hell would you be a big mouth and ask stuff.. why?? why why...
> 
> ...


You are a basket case. You should be much more worried about the damage your unfounded fears and anxiety is causing to your marriage than this MINOR incident. If your wife is going to divorce you it will be due to this nonsense, not having a drunken argument with a cousin. Your actions and mentality since this incident are a major risk to marriage, not the incident itself. You can't see it because you are not thinking properly. Please seek professional help. You won't solve this on your own.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Dad2021 said:


> ...
> 
> If you do not mind can I ask you about your last paragraph? Does that mean worry about myself, because my marriage might be over / or could be? I know what you mean you can't fix one without the other. *I get that, but does it mean I am doomed. * I love my family so much and do not want to lose them. The stress is just too much.


Do you not see the problem with asking an anonymous person on the internet that only knows you and your situation from a grand total of 7 posts to tell you if your marriage is doomed?


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## Dad2021 (Dec 2, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Do you not see the problem with asking an anonymous person on the internet that only knows you and your situation from a grand total of 7 posts to tell you if your marriage is doomed?


I am asking based on the situation that happened. Besides that are marriage was fine. That is what I asked.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Get your nose out of your wife's family business and remember that you are an outsider. You are alienating your wife with this nonsense. She doesn't sound disposed to leave you over your insertion into her family business so onward and upward.


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## Dad2021 (Dec 2, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> Get your nose out of your wife's family business and remember that you are an outsider. You are alienating your wife with this nonsense. She doesn't sound disposed to leave you over your insertion into her family business so onward and upward.


I 100% agree. I don't know what to do. I can't focus on anything. I am just having a real hard time right now.


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## Dad2021 (Dec 2, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> She's not saying go in and start being abusive or yelling at or bullying your wife. She's saying you need to stand up for yourself. Your wife stands up for herself, right? She doesn't let people walk all over her? It's not aggressive to have standards for how you're treated. It's healthy.
> 
> Why are you so worried she'll divorce you? She married you. Clearly she's into you.  I think you're stressing yourself out worrying about things that haven't and likely won't happen, and frankly, you're missing out on a lot of cool stuff in life by driving yourself bezonkers. I'd talk to your doctor again, there's tons of options out there to help with anxiety. You may have to try multiple kinds to find what works for you. I know when I had post-partum, the first med we tried was Wellbutrin. We had to switch, it made me WAY too stabby and murdery. (It was kind of a bummer, because it also WAY suppressed my appetite) I was angry at everything, all the time, it was awful for everyone. So we tried something else and it worked like a charm. I really encourage you to give the meds another try. Better living through chemistry.


Thank you! I just can't function now. She probably will never speak to them as long as we are together and that will cause resentment. Shouldn't I just leave then. Why put her through this. Maybe I am a JERK and should just go. I thought I was a good guy... I work full time (from home / travel sometimes) and watch our three kids. I do so much, but sometimes that doesn't matter. I have a mental sickness (anxiety). I also apparently SAID something I should have. I just am not sure what to do to get past this.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Dad2021 said:


> Thank you! I just can't function now. She probably will never speak to them as long as we are together and that will cause resentment. Shouldn't I just leave then. Why put her through this. Maybe I am a JERK and should just go. I thought I was a good guy... I work full time (from home / travel sometimes) and watch our three kids. I do so much, but sometimes that doesn't matter. I have a mental sickness (anxiety). I also apparently SAID something I should have. I just am not sure what to do to get past this.


You need a doctor to help you. You can't do this with force of will. Go see someone and get some help. That's what doctors do, they want to help, and they can.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Dad2021 said:


> How is it minor? They are extremely close and might never talk again? Because I accidently got drunk and was a getting in the way of a family issue??


Sweetie, not to be mean, but you're not that powerful. If they were close and happy and you had one too many and started an argument, that isn't going to break the family apart. Families have fights, arguments, etc, all the time, all over the world, and it doesn't break them up. What is causing a rift in your family is your overreaction to this. You simply don't have the power to break up a family like this. But if you don't get a handle on yourself, you will break up a family: your own. The adult thing to do is recognize you need help and get it.


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## Dad2021 (Dec 2, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Sweetie, not to be mean, but you're not that powerful. If they were close and happy and you had one too many and started an argument, that isn't going to break the family apart. Families have fights, arguments, etc, all the time, all over the world, and it doesn't break them up. What is causing a rift in your family is your overreaction to this. You simply don't have the power to break up a family like this. But if you don't get a handle on yourself, you will break up a family: your own. The adult thing to do is recognize you need help and get it.


I have left several voicemail messages with doctors. I wish one would just take my call and help me ASAP!!! I personally can't deal with this myself. It is non stop in my brain. FYI - before this I would worry all the time... This bad no, but all the time. This is just one that is really bad. I hope someone calls me back soon. Regarding the moping I get it, but how do I deal with the resentment my wife will have for me? How? She said its not like I see him often .. once a year. The guilt and frustration is really hurting me..

Again, this isn't a one time occurrence. Three weeks prior to this event I was dealing with OCD chronic worrying 24/7. I rarely get through a few days without something going ok. It feels weird if I don't feel bad. But that to me is okay, because its my pain/ I am just hurting myself. When I hurt someone else (my wife) it hurts even more.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Dad2021 said:


> I have left several voicemail messages with doctors. I wish one would just take my call and help me ASAP!!! I personally can't deal with this myself. It is non stop in my brain. FYI - before this I would worry all the time... This bad no, but all the time. This is just one that is really bad. I hope someone calls me back soon. Regarding the moping I get it, but how do I deal with the resentment my wife will have for me? How? She said its not like I see him often .. once a year. The guilt and frustration is really hurting me..
> 
> Again, this isn't a one time occurrence. Three weeks prior to this event I was dealing with OCD chronic worrying 24/7. I rarely get through a few days without something going ok. It feels weird if I don't feel bad. But that to me is okay, because its my pain/ I am just hurting myself. When I hurt someone else (my wife) it hurts even more.


Why have you left voicemails for drs, and not scheduled an appointment? That doesn't make a lot of sense.


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## Dad2021 (Dec 2, 2021)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Why have you left voicemails for drs, and not scheduled an appointment? That doesn't make a lot of sense.


Why? Most Psychologists just have a voicemail that you have to leave a message with. I do not have a doctor anymore. I had one and I wasn't getting much out of it. I spoke to my wife again about it and she didn't want to speak about it again / was just getting mad. I didn't think she realized I was so pro her cousins uncle since that is the people that aren't speaking, but I was yes a little more towards them and why can't you just. I am wrong and I accept that. I guess just move on. I am not sure but it is breaking me down every second of the day. 

Note - my doc. in the past prescribed anti anxiety meds but I didn't


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Dad2021 said:


> I am not sure but it is breaking me down every second of the day.
> 
> Note - my doc. in the past prescribed anti anxiety meds but I didn't


If you don't get a response from any of your voicemails, go back to your regular doctor ASAP. You seem to be on the edge of a breakdown. You are totally building things up in your head to the point of distorting reality and making things seem to be much worse than they actually are and assuming worst case scenario for almost everything. You need to break this downward spiral before it gets any worse.


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## Dad2021 (Dec 2, 2021)

Trident said:


> If you don't get a response from any of your voicemails, go back to your regular doctor ASAP. You seem to be on the edge of a breakdown. You are totally building things up in your head to the point of distorting reality and making things seem to be much worse than they actually are and assuming worst case scenario for almost everything. You need to break this downward spiral before it gets any worse.


Trident I am hoping a get a response tomorrow. I will continue to call a few more places. I totally agree and have reached out to my primary, but she won't be back till next week. What do I do then? 

I do not in anyway disagree. I called my primary care doctor and she is out till next week. What would you do then? I went to her cousin and said that she should get back together with the immediate family and yes was more on the other side... He says there are issues.. there is always lots of DRAMA etc I don't know. I inserted myself into something I shouldn't have. Why? Drunk and probably had a slight bias towards the situation.

Worse can scenario? Maybe. I know my wife will not reach out to her. 

I just want this to be over and to for me to enjoy my family, but I am thinking that will never be. I just want things to be NORMAL. I can't deal with this stress. I love them so much. I just feel I will always be blamed etc. I mean we since them once at most a year.. Its not like its often. Who knows stress is killing me. My wife said before this the stress and anxiety is affecting the kids badly. I don't know what to do.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Breathe. Try to put in perspective. So what you got a bit toasted on the booze and asked a few too many pointed questions. Let it go, over time so will they. Your wife has your back and she isn't going to divorce you over this and over time it will be all but forgotten about.

No big deal.

That's how you need to frame this.


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## Dad2021 (Dec 2, 2021)

Trident said:


> Breathe. Try to put in perspective. So what you got a bit toasted on the booze and asked a few too many pointed questions. Let it go, over time so will they. Your wife has your back and she isn't going to divorce you over this and over time it will be all but forgotten about.
> 
> No big deal.
> 
> That's how you need to frame this.


We just spoke. She said all her life it was poor my wifes name etc.. She had it tough etc.. Now she finally has a good career, nice house and family and finally around her family (many haven't seen in 10 years) and this happens. She said she wasn't aware I brought up the following: cousins uncle and how he helped us and he is a good guy etc (she says that means nothing), and why I was asking so many questions etc and was very partisan. 

She is completely embarrassed. She screamed at me. She said I was sort of on your side like it was 50/50 but the more I hear you were 100% wrong. She said I am so embarrassed. She said we were fine you keep bringing it up / I am hearing more etc. She said we are normal you are not. You are not normal. I have a feeling the worse case is happening. You see the more she hears the more the hate begins. I do not know what to do. I am miserable / sad.


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## Dad2021 (Dec 2, 2021)

Trident said:


> Breathe. Try to put in perspective. So what you got a bit toasted on the booze and asked a few too many pointed questions. Let it go, over time so will they. Your wife has your back and she isn't going to divorce you over this and over time it will be all but forgotten about.
> 
> No big deal.
> 
> That's how you need to frame this.


Plus she said you are a guest at their house. She said you realize what they are saying about me. She said great I am the "poor sad girl" again.


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## Dad2021 (Dec 2, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Sweetie, not to be mean, but you're not that powerful. If they were close and happy and you had one too many and started an argument, that isn't going to break the family apart. Families have fights, arguments, etc, all the time, all over the world, and it doesn't break them up. What is causing a rift in your family is your overreaction to this. You simply don't have the power to break up a family like this. But if you don't get a handle on yourself, you will break up a family: your own. The adult thing to do is recognize you need help and get it.


Read my last post and you might have a different response. ha 

I am just so sick of this situation. It has broken me so badly. I was in the wrong and I am not handling it well.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Take a nap. And keep your yap shut.


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## Dad2021 (Dec 2, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> Take a nap. And keep your yap shut.


I wish I could take a nap, but how does not talking help me now? I don't get that.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Good God, man, you're driving your wife nuts. Can't you see that? Have pity on the poor girl.


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## Dad2021 (Dec 2, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> Good God, man, you're driving your wife nuts. Can't you see that? Have pity on the poor girl.


100% agree. Do you have any advice? How do I fix this?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Keep your mouth shut and let it blow over. Continually talking about it to ease your anxiety is self-indulgent and hell on everyone else - they have their own problems.


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## Dad2021 (Dec 2, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> Keep your mouth shut and let it blow over. Continually talking about it to ease your anxiety is self-indulgent and hell on everyone else - they have their own problems.


That is the issue. The cousin is bringing up issues years ago and always saying this and that etc...Said he wanted to write a book and basically bash the family. That is when the immediate family stopped talking to him. I have zero clue on what happened, but I took the side of the immediate family. Yes I am sad / yes I do not know how to fix it. 

I just wish that night never happened. It is basically ruining my life. As stated I deal with issues everyday but this isn't a what if! This is happening / wow its bad. I just want it over .. Done with and be happy.. not sure that can happen anymore.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Think about what you just wrote there. A conversation you had when drunk is ruining your life.

The conversation isn't ruining your life, your anxiety and possible other undiagnosed mental disorders has caused has you convinced that your life is ruined.


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## Dad2021 (Dec 2, 2021)

Trident said:


> Think about what you just wrote there. A conversation you had when drunk is ruining your life.
> 
> The conversation isn't ruining your life, your anxiety and possible other undiagnosed mental disorders has caused has you convinced that your life is ruined.


So how do I fix this. How???


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

You take a deep breath, look yourself in the mirror and say "I'm totally over reacting here, it's no big deal".

Then go to the nearest clinic or ER and get some xanax.


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## Dad2021 (Dec 2, 2021)

Trident said:


> You take a deep breath, look yourself in the mirror and say "I'm totally over reacting here, it's no big deal".
> 
> Then go to the nearest clinic or ER and get some xanax.


Okay, but my wife said it was different before now I am hearing it differently. She is like you are 100% in the wrong. They are not speaking again. I guarantee it unless I am out of the picture. I mean we saw them once a year, but still. I am not looking forward to two days after Christmas when my wife's mom comes over. She talks to the cousin a lot. I am sure it will be open season. 

I will call again tomorrow. I don't know. I don't feel I was overacting. Was she mad? I guess, but the significant other went nuts. Hey its my issue and I will have to unfortunately deal with it as it will be the issue that brought me down. No drugs etc can help this poor pathetic man . ha! 

I am clueless on how to fix it. How? How does she forget it? What about when it is brought up by her mom? What about when my niece asks about him. What then. I am in a losing battle.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Dad2021 So your wife is sensitive about her weird and maybe obnoxious family who seem willing to blab to other people about the other obnoxious family members.

Your normal "Nope! And nope, again!" reaction to becoming involved in their reindeer games, odd shenanigans, gossiping and badmouthing other family members was temporarily off line due to you inadvertently consuming a good deal more alcohol than you would usually do. 

Your wife is, presumably, bitter and angry about her family being so dysfunctional and she's now transformed some of that anger on to you.

Is it your fault one of her relatives has substance abuse issues? No! Is it your fault one of her relatives has cut off other family members? No! Or your fault they gossip to others? No!

You got drunk? That's possibly your fault. The other stuff? Not your fault.


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## Dad2021 (Dec 2, 2021)

MattMatt said:


> @Dad2021 So your wife is sensitive about her weird and maybe obnoxious family who seem willing to blab to other people about the other obnoxious family members.
> 
> Your normal "Nope! And nope, again!" reaction to becoming involved in their reindeer games, odd shenanigans, gossiping and badmouthing other family members was temporarily off line due to you inadvertently consuming a good deal more alcohol than you would usually do.
> 
> ...


So it is two fold. My wife has a cousin who for a long time seemed it was normal life married had a good immediate family etc. Made extremely good money. Her uncle was always nice (aunt ahh) and brothers a little aloof, but they were always around. Anyway cheating occured and left his family for someone else. Provided the familiy financially and bounced. People seem like thats not weird yes has the kids etc, but that isn't odd? Anyway two years later wanted to right a book against immediate family and her life.. she wanted to basically take shots at people etc... The new significant other has been a big supporter of this and there isn't even 100% proof that it is all true who knows... 

I started talking to the cousin while I was drunk and brought it up and was on the immediate families side more so.. not 100% but 70%/30% ... Significant other found out and yelled etc... I apologized because I was wrong and should have kept my NOSE out of it. 

So yes I am quite upset and worried about my marriage. I don't know what to do or how to handle it.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

All families have issues. Many people make mistakes when drunk. 

There's no way to "fix" whatever horrible thing you "think" you did. Personally, I've seen worse. My family has had a lot of disagreements, I actually remember one of my uncles chocking one of his brothers and almost killing him! Guess what? They didn't speak to each other for a while but eventually got along again. 

You worry too much, and you are making your wife second guess her thoughts and decisions.

Don't say anything anymore. Don't call anyone anymore. You are driving everyone crazy. Let the dust settle. And if they don't speak to each other anymore, Oh well!!!! That's life and family dynamics for you. Families are not perfect. Calm down. 

If you have health insurance you might have a nurse line you can call. Check your insurance card or log into your insurance information, they might be able to help you finding a provider who can see you sooner.


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## Dad2021 (Dec 2, 2021)

pastasauce79 said:


> All families have issues. Many people make mistakes when drunk.
> 
> There's no way to "fix" whatever horrible thing you "think" you did. Personally, I've seen worse. My family has had a lot of disagreements, I actually remember one of my uncles chocking one of his brothers and almost killing him! Guess what? They didn't speak to each other for a while but eventually got along again.
> 
> ...


What do you mean 2nd guess? Like now she wants to part ways? So you think if I drop it and act normal it can kind of just settle? As stated before since the issue I have been a zombie. The guilt of this is weighing on me at such a high level. How do I get over that? I can't... Its weighing me down at such a level. 

Yes I have insurance / no I do not have that as far as I know. I am reaching out to a therapists that might be able to speak with me, but no response as of yet.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Dad2021 said:


> What do you mean 2nd guess? Like now she wants to part ways?


No. I mean second guessing her reaction to the situation with her family. You keep bringing it up so now she's overanalyzing every answer and reaction. Just be quiet. 


Dad2021 said:


> So you think if I drop it and act normal it can kind of just settle?


Yes. You need to wait and see what happens. People need time to calm down and be rational about what happened. To me, what happened it's not a big deal at all. 


Dad2021 said:


> How do I get over that?


I don't know, but time, silence, and patience helps. 

Good luck finding a therapist soon.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Dad2021 I think couple's counselling might be a help.


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## Dad2021 (Dec 2, 2021)

pastasauce79 said:


> MattMatt said:
> 
> 
> > @Dad2021 I think couple's counselling might be a help.
> ...





MattMatt said:


> @Dad2021 I think couple's counselling might be a help.


It would be tough due to getting people to watch the kids. I don't know. I haven't slept in the bed in almost three weeks. I just am not sure how to fix this. I love her so much.


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## Dad2021 (Dec 2, 2021)

Dad2021 said:


> It would be tough due to getting people to watch the kids. I don't know. I haven't slept in the bed in almost three weeks. I just am not sure how to fix this. I love her so much.


I mentioned it already and she said why? YOU YOU YOU HAVE TO GET OVER IT! SHE SAID STOP


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

Dad2021 said:


> What do you mean 2nd guess? Like now she wants to part ways? So you think if I drop it and act normal it can kind of just settle? As stated before since the issue I have been a zombie. The guilt of this is weighing on me at such a high level. How do I get over that? I can't... Its weighing me down at such a level.
> 
> Yes I have insurance / no I do not have that as far as I know. I am reaching out to a therapists that might be able to speak with me, but no response as of yet.


I have extreme anxiety also and have had episodes similar to this. Stop catastrophizing. Stop being myopic and only seeing yourself and your feelings. You behaved poorly and there may be consequences for your actions. Stop trying to explain away your bad behavior with long explanations about her family and their past because it is irrelevant - you were a drunk gossip and ruffled feathers - the end. Some people may no longer like or trust you. Some people may not even remember it happened. That is a consequence of your actions. You need to get comfortable with being uncomfortable.

You are only trying to prevent negative consequences for yourself and actually creating more. You are not open to “fixing” it because what you want is a magic do-over where you go back in time to undo it and anything short of that is a tragedy. Fixing it would be realizing your overstep, accepting the consequences and not doing it again. That is what your wife keeps suggesting but it is obviously out of your reach.

Accessing mental health help right now is almost impossible sadly, so you will need to practice some self care until you can be seen professionally. 

Couples counseling shouldn’t even be a thought for you right now.


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## Dad2021 (Dec 2, 2021)

Bluesclues said:


> I have extreme anxiety also and have had episodes similar to this. Stop catastrophizing. Stop being myopic and only seeing yourself and your feelings. You behaved poorly and there may be consequences for your actions. Stop trying to explain away your bad behavior with long explanations about her family and their past because it is irrelevant - you were a drunk gossip and ruffled feathers - the end. Some people may no longer like or trust you. Some people may not even remember it happened. That is a consequence of your actions. You need to get comfortable with being uncomfortable.
> 
> You are only trying to prevent negative consequences for yourself and actually creating more. You are not open to “fixing” it because what you want is a magic do-over where you go back in time to undo it and anything short of that is a tragedy. Fixing it would be realizing your overstep, accepting the consequences and not doing it again. That is what your wife keeps suggesting but it is obviously out of your reach.
> 
> ...


You Wrote - "Some people may no longer like or trust you. Some people may not even remember it happened. That is a consequence of your actions. You need to get comfortable with being uncomfortable." 

Response - Like who my wife? Great how can I live in a house where the person does want me there again. 

You Wrote - "Comfortable with feeling uncomfortable" 

Response - I suffer from anxiety and what ifs all day everyday. It rips through my body. Lets say those r like a 3 / 10 this experience is a 10/10. I now have to get treatment for that and actually have the real feeling of that when I am home indefinitely. That sounds like prison. I get I need to make changes, but if there is no way to get back my wife and have the life we had then why stay together. Why force her to deal with it. I love my kids and wife so much, but what is the point. That isn't moving on feeling uncomfortable all the time. That is torture. That isn't healthy... How could that be described as healthy or therapeutic. So basically get ready to feel bad forever.. Get use to that if you stay in this house.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I'm beginning to think you are pulling our collective legs. No one is this big of an attention hound.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

You said you have a good relationship with your wife and she was annoyed that you keep bringing up the subject which makes me think she was basically over it and the problem exists mainly in your own head.

Now you post that you haven’t slept in your bed in 3 weeks and your afraid your marriage is over.

How bad are things with your wife at the moment? Did she kick you out of the bedroom? Has she mentioned divorce?

Or is this all your own doing as a result of your impaired mental state?


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## Dad2021 (Dec 2, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> I'm beginning to think you are pulling our collective legs. No one is this big of an attention hound.


No I am not.


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## Dad2021 (Dec 2, 2021)

Trident said:


> You said you have a good relationship with your wife and she was annoyed that you keep bringing up the subject which makes me think she was basically over it and the problem exists mainly in your own head.
> 
> Now you post that you haven’t slept in your bed in 3 weeks and your afraid your marriage is over.
> 
> ...


Good... I mean yes.. Only time we argue is about sex. Thats it. We didn't have sex for 4.5 weeks before this event due to my first really really bad anxiety issue..

My Anxiety has been getting really bad. 12 years ago I quit my gambling addiction. I always worried and I believe the anxiety has become my new addiction. 

Well she is acting like nothing is up, but you know that is BS. I feel once she speaks to her mom or brother or my mom asks about her cousin it is going to cause serious issues again. 

ONCE SHE REALIZED THAT I WAS MORE TOWARDS HER UNCLE (FAVORING ONE SIDE) AND SPEAKING TO HER COUSIN THAT SHE CUT OFF OR THEY CUT HIM OFF SHE GOT MORE UPSET.... That is when she said she has always been the poor girl and oh poor J**. She is like finally I have a good job, nice home and a family and then I am still POOR J**

I mean she is acting like nothing which is weird. No I chosen not to sleep in the bed. I did a few times and it is just odd... It feels fake and forced the interaction. No she hasn't mentioned it. I did like you want to she said no you are saying that we are a family I am upset what you did but we are a family. 

If I hug her it feels forced. It just feels odd. I feel like since I am the one who works from home and watches the kids too she is stuck with me for a bit... I don't know what to do... I am losing my MIND! 

I feel it is over and we are just trapped. I mean haven't people done worse like 100000% worse and had a marriage stay together...

I just want us to be happy ... maybe I should just go ...


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Dad2021 said:


> Good... I mean yes.. Only time we argue is about sex. Thats it. We didn't have sex for 4.5 weeks before this event due to my first really really bad anxiety issue..
> 
> My Anxiety has been getting really bad. 12 years ago I quit my gambling addiction. I always worried and I believe the anxiety has become my new addiction.
> 
> ...


Here's what to do step by step. 

Put on you best actor face and act like absolutely nothing is wrong, even if you feel it is not, put on a brave face - for the sake of your children if nothing else
Tonight, go back to sleeping in bed with your wife
*Never, ever bring up the incident again, not to your wife, not here, not to anyone - Highlighted for emphasis!!!!*
Start daily (maybe multiple times a day) mindfulness meditation to work on letting the negative thoughts just flow in and out of your mind
Continue to quietly get an appointment lined up to get anxiety meds and start taking them
Start individual counseling
Here's a starting point for your mindfulness mediation.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Dad2021 said:


> Why? Most Psychologists just have a voicemail that you have to leave a message with. I do not have a doctor anymore. I had one and I wasn't getting much out of it. I spoke to my wife again about it and she didn't want to speak about it again / was just getting mad. I didn't think she realized I was so pro her cousins uncle since that is the people that aren't speaking, but I was yes a little more towards them and why can't you just. I am wrong and I accept that. I guess just move on. I am not sure but it is breaking me down every second of the day.
> 
> Note - my doc. in the past prescribed anti anxiety meds but I didn't


It's a little unusual to not have a dr office staff member be able to schedule appointments. That's always the first thing they do.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> It's a little unusual to not have a dr office staff member be able to schedule appointments. That's always the first thing they do.


Not lately. 

Mental health professionals are overloaded.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Trident said:


> Not lately.
> 
> Mental health professionals are overloaded.


I haven't had any issues, or any of the family. It's unfortunate if encountered.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Dad2021 said:


> Well she is acting like nothing is up, but you know that is BS.
> 
> I mean she is acting like nothing which is weird. No I chosen not to sleep in the bed. I did a few times and it is just odd... It feels fake and forced the interaction. No she hasn't mentioned it. I did like you want to she said no you are saying that we are a family I am upset what you did but we are a family.


Geez man, your wife is clearly there for you, you are doing all of this to yourself. You have become your own worst enemy.

It's understandable- anxiety makes you think there's a wolf in the bushes right outside your door ready to jump on you- it's not really there- but no one has the ability to convince you otherwise.

Your biggest mistake was turning down the medications when your physician suggested it.

It will take time and progress will be slow- akin to turning a slow moving barge that is headed towards a bridge support and certain disaster- but as time goes by you are digging yourself an ever deepening hole that could be too difficult to ever climb out of.


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## Dad2021 (Dec 2, 2021)

Trident said:


> Geez man, your wife is clearly there for you, you are doing all of this to yourself. You have become your own worst enemy.
> 
> It's understandable- anxiety makes you think there's a wolf in the bushes right outside your door ready to jump on you- it's not really there- but no one has the ability to convince you otherwise.
> 
> ...


You think? I think she is just stuck in this situation and very much embarrassed. She can't afford our house on her own and can't afford an attorney due to college loans. I feel she is regretting marrying me right now. I mean that I am pretty sure about. I think once she hears stuff (her mom etc...) it will only get worse. 

She is pretending like things are fine etc, but its all fake. She is clearly so pissed etc. Its crazy at first everyone was like NO big deal now everyone realizes how big of a deal this is / how I screwed up my marriage. 

I mean seriously how would anyone else handle it? I don't want to lose what I have, but it feels like it lost. We had to go to my sons school today for an evaluation. It just felt weird between us... Just werid!


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Dad2021 said:


> You think? I think she is just stuck in this situation and very much embarrassed. She can't afford our house on her own and can't afford an attorney due to college loans. I feel she is regretting marrying me right now. I mean that I am pretty sure about. I think once she hears stuff (her mom etc...) it will only get worse.
> 
> She is pretending like things are fine etc, but its all fake. She is clearly so pissed etc. Its crazy at first everyone was like NO big deal now everyone realizes how big of a deal this is / how I screwed up my marriage.
> 
> I mean seriously how would anyone else handle it? I don't want to lose what I have, but it feels like it lost. We had to go to my sons school today for an evaluation. It just felt weird between us... Just werid!


Its not fake, it is in your head. She said she is over it, but you think she is a liar. Why do you think she is a liar? Does she have a history of being a liar?

How would anyone else handle this? You've gotten that answer dozens of times here. It sounds like you want someone to just agree with your utter nonsense. Yep, your wife is done with you. You are just a piece of garbage to be thrown away. You are nothing but an embarrassment to her. Might as well file force divorce yourself. Is that what you want to hear? Come on man, stop being such a fool. You don't want advice, just validation for an issue that is a product of your anxiety disorder. Go back and read my last post and take it to heart.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Why don't you try to switch it up a little bit? Instead of wallowing in misery and assuming the worst and making decisions that are only making things worse, try another method.

Tell your wife that you feel things have gotten strained lately and you want to work on it and get back on track, and you're going to start by moving back into the bedroom. Do it in a positive way not with reluctance and trepidation as if you're just waiting for her to respond negatively. Just put it out there, and be open, honest and sincere- you do want things to work out there's no question about it.

Post back with her reaction.


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## Dad2021 (Dec 2, 2021)

Trident said:


> Why don't you try to switch it up a little bit? Instead of wallowing in misery and assuming the worst and making decisions that are only making things worse, try another method.
> 
> Tell your wife that you feel things have gotten strained lately and you want to work on it and get back on track, and you're going to start by moving back into the bedroom. Do it in a positive way not with reluctance and trepidation as if you're just waiting for her to respond negatively. Just put it out there, and be open, honest and sincere- you do want things to work out there's no question about it.
> 
> Post back with her reaction.


I called a counselor in my state. I am still waiting for a psychologist to return my call. After an extremely long call she told me the following: take a shower (haven't in weeks) and play with my kids..

My response was this how??? Example - Lets say you robbed a bank right and then go home and act like nothing is up... weeks and months and even a year go by and you act like nothing happened, yet you know you sort of slipped up and you will get caught. Well within that week, month or year they catch you... How can you act like nothing well happen then???

That is what I am dealing with... How can I play with my kids and act like nothing is wrong when I pretty sure the end of the marriage is near or greatly damaged to the point of little to no repair. How???


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I've read what you have to say. To begin with, I've been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. And I can tell you that nowadays doctors will only prescribe anti-anxiety meds (Clonazepam or Lorazepam) for the short term because they are so addictive. Why are they so addictive? Because they work. So I'm no believing that (1) you've taken this class of drugs or (2) that if you have, they haven't worked for you. A benzo drug will calm a hysterical elephant. They work. Period.

Your anxiety is yours to own. You are in the self-destructive loop of what-if thinking and obsessing. Frankly, who gives a crap what your wife's looney family thinks? They've probably already forgotten the situation upon which you are fixated. And that's another thing about anxiety: fixation. You are feeding the monster in your head. Anxiety IS treatable. There are things you can do in the interim to alleviate some of your symptoms. However, it sounds like you'd rather obsess. Seriously ask yourself this: WHY do you think you are stuck in this loop? What are you getting out of it? Because you ARE getting something out of it. My guess is you want to control situations/peoples/events in life. Guess what? For the most part, you can't. The only thing you can control is yourself. 

It would behoove you to stop with this nonsense. If you can't, ask your wife to take you to the ER or one of those urgent care clinics. They may be able to help. YOU are your own worst enemy. Seriously.


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## Dad2021 (Dec 2, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> I've read what you have to say. To begin with, I've been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. And I can tell you that nowadays doctors will only prescribe anti-anxiety meds (Clonazepam or Lorazepam) for the short term because they are so addictive. Why are they so addictive? Because they work. So I'm no believing that (1) you've taken this class of drugs or (2) that if you have, they haven't worked for you. A benzo drug will calm a hysterical elephant. They work. Period.
> 
> Your anxiety is yours to own. You are in the self-destructive loop of what-if thinking and obsessing. Frankly, who gives a crap what your wife's looney family thinks? They've probably already forgotten the situation upon which you are fixated. And that's another thing about anxiety: fixation. You are feeding the monster in your head. Anxiety IS treatable. There are things you can do in the interim to alleviate some of your symptoms. However, it sounds like you'd rather obsess. Seriously ask yourself this: WHY do you think you are stuck in this loop? What are you getting out of it? Because you ARE getting something out of it. My guess is you want to control situations/peoples/events in life. Guess what? For the most part, you can't. The only thing you can control is yourself.
> 
> It would behoove you to stop with this nonsense. If you can't, ask your wife to take you to the ER or one of those urgent care clinics. They may be able to help. YOU are your own worst enemy. Seriously.


I was prescribed by my primary care doctor Lexapro (generic i think of it) / never took it. I no longer can and she will be out for the next week or so. Did you read all my posts? How would they not be PISSED? They have 100% not forgotten about it. 

First off he is my daughters godfather and his significant other is probably more mad and CONTROLS everything. Like everything. I have spoke to my states counselor and exhausted my therapists in my area. I got one call back and they are not taking patients at this time.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Dad2021 said:


> Lets say you robbed a bank right and then go home and act like nothing is up...


You didn't rob a bank. What you did is not a big deal!!!! You need to believe this!!! 

It must be exhausting dealing with you at this moment. I feel sorry for your wife.

IF your wife decides to leave you, most likely it's because of the way you react to difficult situations. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone says inappropriate things once in a while. What most people do is to apologize and move on. You clearly don't know how to do this.

If her family doesn't accept your apology that's THEIR problem. Not yours, not your wife's. You CANNOT control other people's reactions. 

You not taking a shower in weeks is bad for your marriage. You acting like a zombie is bad for your marriage. 

Please call your primary care physician and ask to speak to the nurse. Tell her you need to see whoever is available because your anxiety is affecting not only you but your family. Ask them an appointment with whoever is available! Otherwise, go to the urgent care and see if they can prescribe something.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

So you were prescribed a medication which you did not take. And it didn't work? How would you know it didn't work if you never took it?

You are confused as to what is yours to own and what is not. Okay. So family members are ticked off at you. How ticked off are they? Will they never speak to you again? Are they going to wire your car to blow up when you turn the ignition? Are they going to come after you with loaded weapons and wipe you out? 

So you're upset about a control freak who, in your own words "CONTROLS everything ... like everything." Uh, I hate to break it to you, dude, but nobody on the face of this earth has ever controlled everything. They have tried. They may think they've been in total control, but nope. Just. No.

So continue to freak out. Apparently you get something out of it or you wouldn't continue to do it. And, yeah, you CAN control that.

ETA: Yes, I read everything you posted. My reading comprehension is just fine. And you just keep repeating the same basic stuff over and over. I get it. We all get it. We REALLY do.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Dad2021 said:


> I called a counselor in my state. I am still waiting for a psychologist to return my call. After an extremely long call she told me the following: take a shower (haven't in weeks) and play with my kids..
> 
> My response was this how??? Example - Lets say you robbed a bank right and then go home and act like nothing is up... weeks and months and even a year go by and you act like nothing happened, yet you know you sort of slipped up and you will get caught. Well within that week, month or year they catch you... How can you act like nothing well happen then???
> 
> That is what I am dealing with... How can I play with my kids and act like nothing is wrong when I pretty sure the end of the marriage is near or greatly damaged to the point of little to no repair. How???


You haven't taken a shower in weeks!? No wonder your wife doesn't want you in her bed. You probably stink to high heaven.

If all this were true and If I were your wife right now reading all this I would dump your ass in a heartbeat. Not because of you're drunken blabber mouth, but because you are an intolerable hot mess. You are a broken man that will do absolutely nothing to help yourself. You wouldn't even take a drug prescribed by a doctor, so why would people on the internet be a better solution. You haven't listened to a single, not one single piece of advice given here. You just come back every time with more of the same.

I'm questioning if you aren't just playing games here. It seems apparent that you are just an attention wh0re not really interested in help, so I'm done here.


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## Dad2021 (Dec 2, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> You haven't taken a shower in weeks!? No wonder your wife doesn't want you in her bed. You probably stink to high heaven.
> 
> If all this were true and If I were your wife right now reading all this I would dump your ass in a heartbeat. Not because of you're drunken blabber mouth, but because you are an intolerable hot mess. You are a broken man that will do absolutely nothing to help yourself. You wouldn't even take a drug prescribed by a doctor, so why would people on the internet be a better solution. You haven't listened to a single, not one single piece of advice given here. You just come back every time with more of the same.
> 
> I'm questioning if you aren't just playing games here. It seems apparent that you are just an attention wh0re not really interested in help, so I'm done here.


Thank you for your response. So the nurse of my primary doctor called back. They said I can pick up Sertraline at 4pm today at my local pharmacy that I deal with. I have put in several calls (30 +) to psychologists that aren't rated poorly within my general area (1 - 35 miles) and who are covered within my insurance. 

So what are you saying? They way I am reacting is worse then the act? I just can't see that. I am going to take the drug today when it is free.


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## Dad2021 (Dec 2, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> So you were prescribed a medication which you did not take. And it didn't work? How would you know it didn't work if you never took it?
> 
> You are confused as to what is yours to own and what is not. Okay. So family members are ticked off at you. How ticked off are they? Will they never speak to you again? Are they going to wire your car to blow up when you turn the ignition? Are they going to come after you with loaded weapons and wipe you out?
> 
> ...


No I did not. Sertraline is the drug and I am picking it up later today. I realize that now. 

If they were my family members I could handle it better then if it was my wife's. Its her family, so that means I am affecting her. Example - lets say I act normal and everything is fine till 3 days after Christmas when her mom is staying over for two nights and she brings it up or asks what is the deal etc... My wife will breakdown.. It will be a mess. You see there will never be an end to this madness ... That is what I am mad and sad about.


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## Dad2021 (Dec 2, 2021)

I was thinking about writing a letter to my wife and leaving on our bed. Basically, apologizing for my actions and that I am going to take steps to become a better person. First off cut off drinking and get mental health. Telling her I realize I caused an issue and want to let her know that I want to move past this as I love my three kids and you. If for any reason you want and or need something from me to do just let me know.

I will include that it won't be an easy process, but I want to let her know that she will see gradual growth and improvement. 

Not sure if I should do that. What do you think?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Setraline (Zoloft) takes approximately two weeks to take effect. You aren't going to feel better right away.

Write her a letter. Get professional help. Take a shower. Consider a twelve step group. Doesn't matter what addiction you choose, the twelve steps work if they are worked: "We admitted we were powerless over [fill in addictive substance/process here]. That our lives had become unmanageable." 

You have an unmanageable life. The twelve steps could help you gain the knowledge, wisdom, and tools to manage it.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Dad2021 said:


> I was thinking about writing a letter to my wife and leaving on our bed. Basically, apologizing for my actions and that I am going to take steps to become a better person. First off cut off drinking and get mental health. Telling her I realize I caused an issue and want to let her know that I want to move past this as I love my three kids and you. If for any reason you want and or need something from me to do just let me know.
> 
> I will include that it won't be an easy process, but I want to let her know that she will see gradual growth and improvement.
> 
> Not sure if I should do that. What do you think?


And she will use that note later as proof you yourself said you were a terrible H in the divorce proceedings. Don't do it. You alone aren't responsible for all the problems.


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## Dad2021 (Dec 2, 2021)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> And she will use that note later as proof you yourself said you were a terrible H in the divorce proceedings. Don't do it. You alone aren't responsible for all the problems.


You said earlier nothing about getting divorced and now divorce is an option? If you love someone shouldn't you trust them and write from the heart.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Despite your perseveration on this and other issues, your wife could have done a better job reacting to the situation. It sounds like she's giving some "woe is me" type comments about the situation with her family that are not cool and not your fault.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Dad2021 said:


> You said earlier nothing about getting divorced and now divorce is an option? If you love someone shouldn't you trust them and write from the heart.


To give you perspective that you aren't seeing, put that same shoe on your W, is she showing the love you describe....... to you?

No.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Stop drinking and start showering. 

Immediately. 

Why the freak haven't you showered in weeks?


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> And she will use that note later as proof you yourself said you were a terrible H in the divorce proceedings.


Oh stop. Nobody cares about what sort of a husband he might be if they get divorced. It has no effect whatsoever on how assets are split and support is calculated. 

If he's an abusive or neglectful parent, or he's got serious mental issues that could endanger young children or adversely affect his ability to care for them, and that can be proven then character assassination might be used as far as custody goes in which case a letter that self proclaims how screwed up he is could be used as evidence, but that's about it.


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## Dad2021 (Dec 2, 2021)

Trident said:


> Oh stop. Nobody cares about what sort of a husband he might be if they get divorced. It has no effect whatsoever on how assets are split and support is calculated.
> 
> If he's an abusive or neglectful parent, or he's got serious mental issues that could endanger young children or adversely affect his ability to care for them, and that can be proven then character assassination might be used as far as custody goes in which case a letter that self proclaims how screwed up he is could be used as evidence, but that's about it.


What??? If??? Well I am not that way.....Instead I do everything in the WORLD FOR MY KIDS I work from home / take care of my kids. I love my three kids and they are my entire life. I take them to school, sports etc. I play and take them to the park and cook for them. I take them to stores buy the toys they love and I help them with school work etc... They are everything to me. I am also not stupid. I know that I have to work harder and harder to do these things because of the anxiety. It becomes exhausting mentally. This is why I need to see someone to talk to. 

My mental health? I work around that. Me not showering and being mopy doesn't affect me not still doing those things. I have to mask it around them, but my wife isn't a kid so she can tell. 

My wife is a amazing. I made a mistake that one night. As stated in my first post. 

I just showered finally. I wrote the letter and I do not care how or what she does with it. The four most important people to me are my kids and my wife. I am not a drunk or cheater. I work hard, but yes my work has slipped a little due to my anxiety getting the best of me. I have calls (40+) out to psychologist and might have to move it down the line to masters clinicians. I will be taking medication for the first time tonight. 

I am not happy about what happened, but I choose to move forward and work on marriage and my family. The four most important people I know are within my happy home.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Dad2021 said:


> Me not showering and being mopy doesn't affect me not still doing those things. I have to mask it around them, but my wife isn't a kid so she can tell.


They should be wearing masks around YOU.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Dad2021 said:


> I pretty sure the end of the marriage is near





Dad2021 said:


> ou said earlier nothing about getting divorced and now divorce is an option?


I hardly think it's a huge leap to deduce divorce is a possibility. YOU said the ^^above^^ statement. I dunno .. in my world, when someone says their marriage is at the "end" I pretty much start thinking divorce is a distinct possibility.


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## Dad2021 (Dec 2, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> I hardly think it's a huge leap to deduce divorce is a possibility. YOU said the ^^above^^ statement. I dunno .. in my world, when someone says their marriage is at the "end" I pretty much start thinking divorce is a distinct possibility.


Because I am upset and worried about my relationship that is why I said that. I am worried. She has not said anything once about that. That is maybe my fear who knows.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Hi @Dad2021 I haver read your thread, I believe if you stick with the attitude you have you will lose your marriage, you see many women are not attracted to men with this type of attitude and weakness!

I think in couple of years (if not less) you will come here and tell us your wife told you: She loves you but not in love with you (LYBNILWY), meaning she found another man and wants to be with him or started an affair!
Men like you get screwed, because they are not attractive to women, so you need to fix yourself!

I will advice you to seek therapy (which you are doing, so that's good)
And start reading these two books ASAP (and never tell your wife your reading it):

The Married Man Sex Life Primer - By Athol Kay
No More Mr. Nice Guy - By Dr Robert Glover
And stop with the letter thing!
Actions speaks louder then words, start changing!
Good luck buddy!


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## Dad2021 (Dec 2, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> I hardly think it's a huge leap to deduce divorce is a possibility. YOU said the ^^above^^ statement. I dunno .. in my world, when someone says their marriage is at the "end" I pretty much start thinking divorce is a distinct possibility.


I gave it to her and she read it, but she had zero response.. Kind of snapped at me when I asked what she thinks.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Dad2021 said:


> Because I am upset and worried about my relationship that is why I said that.


Regardless, you got snippy and rude with another poster who mentioned divorce. Quit making excuses for your bad behavior.

Why are you actually here? Thus far, you've pretty much done little other than announcing you're having a meltdown. Then you ask for advice. You are given advice. You ignore it. You argue about it. Or you make excuses. My guess is you're here to whine and throw a pity party. Frankly, I'm not surprised that your wife didn't respond. She's probably tired of your drama and obsession(s) too. Seriously.


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## Dad2021 (Dec 2, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> Regardless, you got snippy and rude with another poster who mentioned divorce. Quit making excuses for your bad behavior.
> 
> Why are you actually here? Thus far, you've pretty much done little other than announcing you're having a meltdown. Then you ask for advice. You are given advice. You ignore it. You argue about it. Or you make excuses. My guess is you're here to whine and throw a pity party. Frankly, I'm not surprised that your wife didn't respond. She's probably tired of your drama and obsession(s) too. Seriously.


I didn't mean to get snippy. We had a long conversation so I am happy.


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## Dad2021 (Dec 2, 2021)

I am going to try to relax and move forward. I want to thank everyone for their advice. 

It has been a less then great experience dealing with this. The support I was given has helped me greatly. How can my wife think I am "Cool" if I do not take the time to figure this out. 

I am going to take the advice I got and take to heart. I need to learn to move forward and change who I am. There is something wrong with me and this extreme anxiety. This is not a one off. Anxiety impacts me often and I need to be active in controlling it. I agree for the last three days it has been a pity party. I am going to move on and move forward.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Dad2021 said:


> I gave it to her and she read it, but she had zero response.. Kind of snapped at me when I asked what she thinks.


Because she's sick of hearing it, over and over!!!

Please don't say anything to your wife for a while. Don't talk about what happened. Don't talk about marriage. 

Take a shower every day. Go for a walk every day or exercise every day. You can't let your obsessive mind control you completely. 

Take your meds without skipping them. Be patient. It might take weeks for them to start working.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

Life and situations are difficult when struggling with depression/anxiety. Our thoughts can go to some of the worst places, and feel like everyone is against us, when in reality noone is, or it's not as bad as we thought. Maybe look for some support groups, because you can get support from others who understand mental illnesses. I'm in a few support groups myself and find them helpful. I mostly read the posts, but have done a few of my own. Recently started new meds myself 10 days ago (have tried about 8 so far and all made me worse haha) keep an eye on any side effects and changes in moods etc. They can also make you feel worse before you feel better, but if they become unbearable ring your dr urgently. Hope the tablets help you so you can control your anxiety better and help, with depression. If you have facebook look up for the support groups. If you need help finding any support groups message me, I will give you some links for some groups. Also while taking the meds write down how you are feeling each day, so you can read back through. One of my meds made me loopy and keeping the diary helped me realise when I was reading through it. Some of the thoughts I had were very concerning. Good luck and hope things improve and this can be put behind you.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

CrAzYdOgLaDy said:


> Life and situations are difficult when struggling with depression/anxiety. Our thoughts can go to some of the worst places, and feel like everyone is against us, when in reality noone is, or it's not as bad as we thought. Maybe look for some support groups, because you can get support from others who understand mental illnesses. I'm in a few support groups myself and find them helpful. I mostly read the posts, but have done a few of my own. Recently started new meds myself 10 days ago (have tried about 8 so far and all made me worse haha) keep an eye on any side effects and changes in moods etc. They can also make you feel worse before you feel better, but if they become unbearable ring your dr urgently. Hope the tablets help you so you can control your anxiety better and help, with depression. If you have facebook look up for the support groups. If you need help finding any support groups message me, I will give you some links for some groups. Also while taking the meds write down how you are feeling each day, so you can read back through. One of my meds made me loopy and keeping the diary helped me realise when I was reading through it. Some of the thoughts I had were very concerning. Good luck and hope things improve and this can be put behind you.


Also, don't drink alcohol while on your tablets. I'm sure you already know that, but just mentioning in case.


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