# shocked



## susan50 (Sep 23, 2012)

My husband and I have been together since we were children. He is my soulmate. Everyone that knows us always says if one or the other dies before the other they just dont know what will happen. I am constantly told how lucky I am to have such a loving, caring husband. The last 10 years have been rough on him because I have been very ill and he has been my caregiver, he has also become more ill from a previous issue and is now out on disability. We have had some sex issues due to the illnesses and some 20 years back when he was diagnosed with his issue, he was so depressed he gained 150lbs, I never had sex for 3 years and I NEVER EVER considered looking out of our marriage. he has told me numerous times that he would never leave me or cheat on me...he has been acting strangely, personality change since being on testosterone, which he needs basically to stay alive, that is how low his level was...he denys these changes...
he suddenly a week ago told me " I made us get married too young" he didnt get his oats sown and wants to go do this, he wants a year off and he still wants to stay married, still wants to
be buried next to me etc, said he will still take me to the doctor etc...its not just sex he says but that he wants to woo women etc,
he admits we are best friend and still loves me, but he needs something to give him incentive to lose weight...I have just been
trying to things to give him for carrying for him the last 10 years...
but didnt think of this..ha ha...I have been so depressed, and cried and cried...the sex is not an issue with me..its the chance he 
may leave..I want my best friend, the years we spent together, and I dont want to die alone...I truly think if he waits a year or two I wont be here anyway and he can do whatever he wants!!! I need advice...I cannot even sleep...and cannot stop crying...sorry for so long...of all men I never thought he would say this..he has been asked about taking care of me and he always says I honor my vows!!! and was always horrified to hear of other husbands leaving...


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

I'll just state the obvious. You are both dealing with some type of unhealthy illness. If he wants to lose weight, it can't be to woo a woman. 

I would consider counseling from clergy, or a certified marriage counselor. Individual counseling to cover the gaps in how you feel about each other. If you truly love each other, then you should be making attempts to better yourselves as much as possible so both of you can benefit and your quality of life can increase. 

My Mother developed an illness 20 years into her marriage that has left her on extreme medical watch for the past 20 years. She has had brief moments where her quality of life has increased, but mostly, is in a state of constant medical care and bedrest. My Father has made the most of it, and I suggest you two try that as well. 

A counselor will give you ideas on how to cope and make the most of it, perhaps giving you ideas you didn't originally have on making you both happier.


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## susan50 (Sep 23, 2012)

Thanks for posting. I think its going to be me that does whatever needs to be done. He doesnt believe he is any different and if I mention that possibly his feelings may be coming from the testosterone he gets quite angry that I would "take something away that is saving his life"...though I was the one that persisted to get him help and helped save his life 3 times over the past 5 years...
Part of the changes in him is these outburts of anger and difficulty discussing things with him. He has never been like this. When I looked up male midlife crisis it was him to a "t"!!! It was shocking..I never expected this to hit him or for him to possibly act on it.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Sounds like you two have been together for a long time. He doesn't sound like a cheater (not from your posts anyway), so I'm guessing he's just tired of being a caretaker and wants to focus on himself. Well, that doesn't mean you get to be his Plan B.

Midlife Crisis is not a sickness. It's no excuse to destroy a marriage. People who experience MLC should not be allowed to have their cake and eat it too.

If your husband wants to woo women, lose weight and do whatever he wants, you should immediately ask for a divorce. You should not let yourself be Plan B. It's unattractive.

Make him realize the consequences of his selfishness. And don't think your husband is some 'unique' case of an MLC or other meaningless excuses. He's just like every other spouse who decided to be selfish.


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## susan50 (Sep 23, 2012)

Once I got past the crying. I also began to realize I had become a whimp and needy since becoming ill...the exact opposite...I was
a professional, assertive, strong woman...I have changed also and I am sure its unattractive besides the caregiving...
So I am looking at myself also...I had to lose my hair due to my surgeries and more than a few people and nurses told me how 
beautiful I am...something I havent heard for years...my self-esteem was so low...maybe besides losing his best friend my husband needs to see he would be losing a beautiful, strong woman. AND nothing says I have to make it easy for him...my grandchildren would be so angry at him and I know he would rather I throw him out so no one could say.." oh he left her so ill"
this is so easy to write here...I love him so much and he is my best friend...but the reality is my heart is just shattered in pieces. If I could even imagine a life with another man ...but I cannot... I have no desire...I guess I could spend my last years with my beautiful, kind grandchildren and a dog...thanks to those that responded.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

He wants you to leave so he gets to be the "good guy." Well you don't go anywhere. Please get yourself into therapy to get back your self-esteem. Don't file for divorce because you don't want one. Stay strong & learn to not be so co-dependent on him. Live your life to the fullest & you will be more attractive to him.


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