# I'm at a breaking point...feel conned



## lolly305 (Dec 29, 2013)

I have always been a saver and good with money. When I met my DH, he wined and dined me and spent money like crazy. I overlooked that because he had a good job and some of it was marked off as business expenses.

He lives in Europe and I moved there to be with him.He kept spending and money seemed OK. Occasionally I would ask him to see some finances and he assured me everything was good. First couple months into it one day I went to purchase something for $2 and the card was declined,single on my own my card had never been declined so imagine the shame I felt. I couldn't do anything and called him.He came and repeated the balance we had in the account and didn't understand.Govt was getting him back for back taxes and wiped out all the money.He then told me he didn't have a dollar to his name other than the money that the govt took which was only about $600???:scratchhead:.I had to call my family to wire me some money through Western Union from my emergency stash to get us through the week until he got a paycheck and this folks was the start of 3 years of suffering.

Lost his job and began his own business with a bank loan but the spending never stopped but everything checked out as the business was making money as it was an extension of what he was doing in his old job.I was by then working 3 jobs and contributing after living in Europe some 6 months.

Then we lose the house. He took a loan to start the business with the same bank as the mortgage and says bank was putting all the money towards the business loan only and not the mortgage.We lost the house because after making over $100K(Euros) a year he couldn't muster up $5000 to save the house in back mortgage the bank said we owed. I was not about to take my emergency money to save his house that he couldn't save himself because I felt no matter in the end,we would still lose the house and my money with his bad habits or lack of knowledge.He know I have emergency money but never told him how much and never will.

He presented himself as this secure business/career man and also lied to me repeating that he had accounts in countries overseas with emergency money which was all a lie and claims now that he was joking when he said it.

Now I'm back in the US,living with my parents until he gets his greencard which is going OK while he is also now in Europe living with his parents,trying with the business and giving me 400 a month to save and telling me to wait for him and the business or wait until he comes here with his horrible English and finds a job.He thinks he can come with subpar English and find a good paying job in a short period of time. Part of him having subpar English is that in the past when I offered to help he didn't like me correcting his English, he didn't have enough time with the business that is now making little to no money,had to spend time with his daughter=no time and whatever else excuse and is now trying to take classes but not using what he learns and is still speaking horribly. We've been together for 4 years and I'm fed up and he's sad and can't understand why. I have no friends and just work and save,work and save.I will need a new car soon and can't buy one because the savings has to go towards when he comes and being that we live in a city that a car is a neccesity,we need to have 2 cars if he will have a job. I'm 28 and he's 40.

He's trying to save now and I love him but I feel like I'm wasting my time.Money is super important to me having always being financially stable but this is getting to be too much.He won't get his greencard until middle of next year and even then the job hunt has to begin and with his English,i doubt he will find a good one and all burdens will be on me.

I need some other perspectives/opinions other than mine.Help?


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Honestly, what future do you see with this man? Do you want kids? Do you think he will become stable and responsible with money? 

You have to go with your gut on this and decide if a life of financial struggle with an infantile husband is what you want.


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## lolly305 (Dec 29, 2013)

I think I want kids but if it has to be like this,I can't and won't ever get pregnant. He already has one daughter and money has to be going out of our house to take care of her.I told him to figure out something quick.The job situations are bad in Europe and he has been looking but right now he is on unemployment and trying with the business.

He has been stressing and staying up all night working on "big projects" since July and I can't see any money expect for $200 there and $400 here. He is not giving anything to his parents for staying with them and gives his mother's daughter $300 a month. He claims to be getting a big check in January from one of his "big projects"but I've heard that story before and he never saw a dime because as always the project fell through or some other hard luck story. Just got off the phone with him and he's crying telling me to wait but I asked him how much longer??another 4 years and wasting my youth regretting not having done things because I have been waiting on him and couldn't do anything because I had to support 2 people on my small $32K salary. I can do bad all by myself with less stress.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

My gut feel is that is guy is a mess and will likely never be a responsible partner for you. I know he has his side to this story, but the lies and efforts to mislead you ring a pretty loud alarm bell. 

Once he gets here he will have only you for support. Doesn't that send a chill down your spine?

People say that money can't buy happiness and that's true. What they fail to say is that financial struggle is a sure path to unhappiness. He's already shown you his cards. Do you see a winning hand there?


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## lolly305 (Dec 29, 2013)

Thank you zookeeper. I've been in my room all day crying.He was a great man when things were good and still is. He is supportive,loving,caring and everything I want in a man except the money issues.I'm very attractive and men hit on me daily and being in my city it's men driving expensive cars and looking handsome. 

I have been really good and just keep my head straight or say I'm married when they approach but to how I feel now I'm ready to move forward with their advances and this makes me sad.It's sad that for my perfect husband,I will have to leave him for money but love can't buy food and this is how life is.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

lolly305 said:


> Thank you zookeeper. I've been in my room all day crying.He was a great man when things were good and still is. He is supportive,loving,caring and everything I want in a man except the money issues.I'm very attractive and men hit on me daily and being in my city it's men driving expensive cars and looking handsome.
> 
> I have been really good and just keep my head straight or say I'm married when they approach but to how I feel now I'm ready to move forward with their advances and this makes me sad.It's sad that for my perfect husband,I will have to leave him for money but love can't buy food and this is how life is.


Sorry, Lolly. You have to face the truth. At least some of what you thought was great about this man was complete BS. It's easy to be an admirable person when things are good. It's when the chips are down that we see a person's true character. Your husband has not made a good showing here.

As far as him being perfect except for the money issues, I would ask if a bowl of soup could be perfect except for the dead rat floating in it?

Keep your perspective here. Your issues are not strictly limited to money as far as I can tell. It seems that the deception, irresponsibility and immaturity have had a significant impact on you. I'm not saying you should absolutely divorce him but you do need to set some serious boundaries with him and keep your eyes wide open. If you try to overlook the issues by telling yourself that he will change, you're likely in for a rude awakening at some point. He may be able to change with great effort and proper motivation, bit I would say the odds are against it.

Good luck in your decision.


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## Sun Catcher (Dec 6, 2013)

Lolly,

He is a con man and has deceived you already into spending all you have. It won't get any better when he gets to the US and can't find a job, it will get worse and he will make you responsible for his failings. Your not in love with him, your in love with his charm. Some European men seem to be very good at charming young American woman into believing just about anything. 

He has lied to you, he has embarrassed you and he has put you in debt. I see no positive side to this relationship. You are young, cut your losses and run.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yes, he conned you. Count your blessings that you found out now, before kids.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Yes. Please run. Depending on what country your H lives in, an international divorce with children could be a nightmare. Men like this will take the kids overseas and try to keep them there. He could make your life a living hell.

Run!!!


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