# Emotional Affair Or Not..



## DazedAndConfused (Jun 13, 2008)

Before anything else is said (or typed out) thanks for letting me vent/express my concerns over this situation.

Little bit of background. My wife and I have had our share of ups and down over the past 10 years. During a period of little to no intimacy between us I nearly crossed the line and had an affair with another woman. I stopped due to the fact I love my wife very much and going through with this act would be the biggest mistake of my life. Intimacy is still a issue but not as big.

I told my wife (although not right away) what I had nearly done and we talked it through and she forgave me but not forgot about it. She has never mentioned it again except for one other time.

Fast forward a few years and she has developed an online friendship with a man which has had me concerned for a long time. Even though I know some details about this man (age, what he does, etc) I always had a nagging feeling about what was going on. 

Then I found out the two of them say I love you to each other after they finish up conversations, or email one another. I told her that I felt quite uncomfortable with that idea and she pretty much shrugged it off saying well I say I love you to all my friends when I finish talking to them, so why should I stop. My reply was you are both married and it just isn't right, in my opinion. 

Over the past year or so they have communicated by phone at her work,( excuse being he needed advice about his kids, since she works in the mental health field). I let it go despite my concerns and carried on as if everything was normal.

Just over the past week I found out the she is still saying I love you to him (despite my comfort level). With her lap top down she has been using the PC and earlier in the week she forgot to log off her email and I committed the taboo of invading her privacy and looking at her emails. There I discovered several emails with i love you and miss you and how they were going to spend time together when I was gone during the night and how she looked forward to spending time alone with him.

I confronted her again (but didnt mention I invaded her privacy) and she used the same song and dance about how they are friends and its nothing and I am just being overly jealous and untrusting. Having checked out what an emotional affair is it seems she is meeting some of the points but I still don't know. 

I love her more than anything (and kids are involved) and don't want to make any demands that may threaten our marriage but I think I am out of options. Asking her to stop saying these words and admitting her feelings for this man isn't working and hiding my head in the sand and saying OH its just friendship doesn't seem to cut it anymore either

So, what should I do. Confront this man, suggest counselling or just say forget it and end the relationship. 

Dazed And Confused....

PS: I have issues of my own, and have been working through them for close to a year. God knows I am not perfect


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

My gut tells me this is very much an emotional affair. Is there physical contact between them or is this long distance? My wife was involved in one for over a year. When I found out and confronted her about it she said it was just a friendship… Not until he ended all contact with her in January did she come to realize she was in love with him. It too was a long distance thing. Now in June she is still hurting and questions how she ever let it get to that point. She has still not reconnected with me as her husband. If she truly thinks it is just a friendship ask her to search her feelings carefully. Ask her to discontinue contact for a while to see how she feels. Does it hurt? Do you miss him more than you should? If it is an emotional affair she will have to end all contact with him as it is further damaging your marriage. You need to find out what she gets from him that makes the relationship so close and do what you can to fill those needs for her. An emotional bond like this can be very hard to break as I have found over the last year. And I agree, she should not be saying I love you to him. Best of luck


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

DazedAndConfused said:


> So, what should I do. Confront this man, suggest counselling or just say forget it and end the relationship.


I would not confront the man or just give up on the relationship. Since you say you are working on issues of your own and she seems to be needing emotional support from this other man, I would suggest counseling and see what she thinks. It might help you both to discuss how you are feeling with a third party present, if your wife is willing.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

swedish said:


> I would not confront the man or just give up on the relationship. Since you say you are working on issues of your own and she seems to be needing emotional support from this other man, I would suggest counseling and see what she thinks. It might help you both to discuss how you are feeling with a third party present, if your wife is willing.


Seconded.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

DazedAndConfused said:


> . There I discovered several emails with i love you and miss you and how they were going to spend time together when I was gone during the night and how she looked forward to spending time alone with him.


this sounds more than an emotional affair.

draconis


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

saying i love u is a no no. unless u mean it. 
if information is online, or txting, she is obviously not in physical contact with him.
i had a few weeks ago online flirting myself and tx . it was fun, because its fantasy. 
but its not real life.
we only emailed for a couple of weeks and txtd. to be honest i found i couldnt be bothered. 
realised the real life was just better being in a real life. 
i did get to meet this bloke, even after all the fantasy , when i was up close and personal , i shied away. simply couldnt do it. he wasnt for me. 
but either way hubby and i were split when i did this.
i dont think its fair to do it in a relationship. the relationship should be with you.


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## DazedAndConfused (Jun 13, 2008)

Well been a couple weeks since I have first posted and I confronted/accused/talked to her about the emails and my concerns over her friendship/relationship with this man.

After her yelling at me for invading her privacy over this matter, she then went on to vehemently disagree that her relationship with this man is nothing more than a good friendship, just like the close friendship she has with some of her female friends. I brought up the whole I love you issue and she said it's something I say to all my close friends and it's my way of showing my closeness to them.

The kicker in the whole thing is she said if you ask me to stop showing my emotions to my friends by not saying I love you it means I won't show my emotions at all, which means not saying I love you to me either. Well knowing blackmail when I see it I backed off and didn't say anything for the rest of the night.

The next day she approached me and went on about how I shouldn't feel threatened by this man, that they are just friends and once again stressed she isn't involved in an emotional affair and that once again her saying I love you is just a way of her showing her friendship to this guy. 

I personally believe that she protests too much and it seems we have reached an impasse on the whole subject. Life has been a little easier around the house lately, we are actually talking more about things, but we both know that nothing has been really resolved. 

I think she doth protest too much.

What says you.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

I think she just wants her way at any cost to you.

draconis


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## lizzy23 (Jan 13, 2009)

Wow this is so interesting to me... This is BTW my first post. I have something similar (see in a later post). But I wanted to ask you a question... Do you wonder what it is that she feels that she needs/gets from this man's friendship that she may be missing or desiering? Also, she may truly love him, he may be that confidant that she needs (I am not saying it is the right thing to do). Sometimes women find themselves in a mental relationship with the opposite sex, because they may be looking for needing something that they are not getting at home. See if you can talk to her about, what it is about their friendship that she loves so much... Maybe she can help you be that person instead of that other guy. I apologize if I was to direct.


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

DazedAndConfused said:


> There I discovered several emails with i love you and miss you and how they were going to spend time together when I was gone during the night and how she looked forward to spending time alone with him.



What did she say about this???


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## Shameless (Jan 31, 2009)

Invading privacy is a touchy subject (speaking from experience) it only causes more questions than it answers. The fact that she protests more than you think she should may be a self-defense mechinism, or she may be trying to reassure you. Of course the opposite may be true as well, she may be trying to convince herself. Not trying to be confusing, but seeing it from both sides is hard. If you are talking more, then start talking about the things that make a difference, about your relationship, needs, and such. Try to find out what would make it better for her, and let her know what will make it better for you. Try to find common ground. Secrets are a terrible thing, and "wondering" can be even worse.


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