# when does the pain go away?



## sadgurl (Sep 22, 2011)

my husband was cyber cheating on me, as well as having phone sex with woman on chatlines, im wondering when will i feel better? when will i trust again? when does the pain stop ????? when will there be a day where i dont look @ him & feel anger inside me? when will i feel like the way things used to be!!! when will i get off this emotional rollercoaster he has put me thru????how can we overcome this? i kno he isnt doing it anymore but when do i feel better? sorry just needed to vent a little bit!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

2-5 years to recover fully IF there was a proper R

how long ago was dday?

the intense feelings last for a few months 
healing isn't linear either, you have 2 good days and then a bad day and then a good day and then 2 bad days and then 3 good days etc, eventually you'll get there tho


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## sadgurl (Sep 22, 2011)

well the first dday was about 4 months ago, but then 2 months later sumthin new came out & then bout a month ago it was sumthin else!!!! u are so right! there are days where i feel amazing & hardly think bout it! then there are days where i dont want him anywhere near me! its sooo hard!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

well it doesnt sound like you having a proper R if he he is still engaging in trickle truth or more cyberaffairs


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> well it doesnt sound like you having a proper R if he he is still engaging in trickle truth or more cyberaffairs


:iagree:

My husband was also engaged in cyber cheating. D day#1 was 19 months ago and d Day #2 was almost a year ago, and I still think about it EVERY day. It's slowly getting less painful though. And he is very truly remorseful and shows me so every single day.

Things will never be the same though. What you had is gone. Whether you can build something new now will be up to him.


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## sadgurl (Sep 22, 2011)

Things will never be the same though. What you had is gone. Whether you can build something new now will be up to him.[/QUOTE]

:iagree: thanks for that, its sooo true! he tells me he wants things to be like they were & wants me to be the same with him as i was before but its hard! i cnt be all lovey dovey sumtimes, i just dont feel it inside me all the time! as far as i kno everything is out & has been said. i really think it is all out cuz the phone sex was the thing that made me break down, when he finally admitted to it my world crumbled! but i kno i didnt wanna let him go! some days are just killer! how do u deal with it hope??


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## sadgurl (Sep 22, 2011)

as far as any more cyber affairs, he hasnt had anymore, he has been completely transparent with me, & has been really remorseful,& working hard to work on us, but there are days where i feel to myself that he was only sorry cuz he got caught, like i wonder if this would have continued if i would never found out! he leaves his phone everywhere so i have total access to it, & to the phone records. i know he has changed a lot & i know i still love him!hope how have u coped with this?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I KNOW my husband only stopped because he got caught, but he's thanked me many times for catching him and putting a stop to it. The important thing is that he has stopped.

How do I deal? The same way anyone does, I guess. Take one day at a time, practice deep breathing when I get triggered, talk to my IC, talk to my hubby, write letters (some I give him, some I burn, some I just keep), talk to myself (...he is NOT doing those things any more......he does love me and doesn't want to hurt me again.... we are doing really well, better than before....etc), do things for ME (a pedicure, purge my bedroom, shop, have a girls evening with my daughter, a bottle of wine). And cry - I cried a lot during the first few weeks. It's much better now


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## sadgurl (Sep 22, 2011)

my hubby says the same thing, that he is glad i caught him & he realized how much he could loose over it, that the only thing he needs is me! things are going good, but i just want to forget everything which is not possible =\ i do the letters thing too it feels sooo good letting everything out! & now tht u mention it i have been pampering myself a lil more now, i bought expensive heels for the first time & boy it felt good! lol thanks for ur kind words of encouragement! im so glad i came across TAM it has helped me alot! i dont feel comfortable telling my friends or family what happened, did u tell anyone? i just didnt want any judgement & that is what this forum is all about giving advice without judgement or fear!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I told people what he did. I wanted to tell the whole world what a scumbag he was. He had been emailing pictures of his penis to women on sex chat sites and I seriously wanted to plaster one of those on a billboard somewhere with a caption saying something along the lines of "This **** is a cheater" including a head shot of him so the entire world would know about him. But I didn't :biggrinangelA: I didn't tell my family everything, I just told them we were split up and there was infidelity involved. I had to tell them something since I had kicked him out.


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## sadgurl (Sep 22, 2011)

lol! did that feel good for you? i havent told anyone , & i dont kno if i will! but my hubby was doing the same thing! i found out looking thru the history of his phone internet brower!& bam found a picture of him from the waist down on our couch! ugh i was so disgusted like wat kinda sick fkn perv am i living with?! i called him & confronted him since i was @ my office & he denied everything ! i was like okay sure! & i took a picture of the screen!i was like tell this isnt u! thts my f**kin couch! i wanted to kinda breakn my phone on his face! lol


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I would give it 2 weeks. Because she would have already been gone 13 days.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Yeah, I was pretty pissed. Thankfully I didn't actually DO any of the things I fantasized about to 'get even' - now that we're back together it might have been a bit awkward  He knows how I felt though. I once asked him if he could guess which song was my 'theme song' for a few months after D day - he said 'Next Time He Cheats' by Carrie Underwood, which was close, but it was actually 'I Pray For You' by Jaron and The Long Road to Love. It's awesome. After the first minute - watch it on youtube. :smthumbup:

Anyway, yeah, I can be quite childish 

I printed everything from the computer - his pics, sexsearch and aff profiles, emails, everything. I still have them too. One of these days I will be ready to get rid of everything. I have all the emails I found saved, although it's been a few months since I looked at them. I hacked into his secret email accounts and just recently deleted those, as well as his facebook account. (this is with his knowledge and blessing) SO I am slowly able to let go of these things, I don't need to keep analyzing them like I did at first. 

One thing I found quite helpful was to write a timeline of events based on what he told me and what I knew. Because I was one of those BS's who asked the same questions a hundred times before I could let them go. I would check and make sure his answer hadn't changed from one asking to the next, and when it didn't I felt better and was able to move a teeny bit farther down the road toward recovery.


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

It's been almost 2 years for us and I would say I have been in good shape for the past 9 months or so. You can read about our journey at my blog, if you wish.

Best,

Lyn


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