# Husband Cheated and I'm not mad about it.



## TESS33 (Feb 27, 2015)

Its not the first but this time I caught him and I asked him to come home to talk. We talked but I wasn't mad.. I laughed at him when he asked how come I wasn't screamiing or yelling at him? I told him I'm not mad. I accepted that it was something I couldn't change cause he had already did it, and we talked. I asked questions and then we both got stuck at what to do next. But today he was upset all day at me. I didn't even mention it. I just went about my normal routine and he is upset. Why is he upset and why am I not?? I reliased I've been living my life around him so starting Today I'm living for me. But he mad that I'm not focusing on this issue. He left for work and I cried a little bit but I'm not mad at him. I am confused why. Now don't get me wrong I love him and I do not accept cheating at all. Marriage is between 2 people and that's it. But when I found out I just asked him to come home to talk. And we did talk and now I'm not sure if I handled it wrong. But I explained to him last night what is it going to do if I get angry and act all crazy? Besides a fight, a headache, stress and I don't want to do any of it. :scratchhead: 

Any advice???


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

You may be experiencing a delayed shock reaction. Everybody is different but you're not the only person who has experienced this.


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## TESS33 (Feb 27, 2015)

I really want to know why he so upset at this point. I tried asking him and he says he's not. But he snapped at me just for doing normal things, like shopping.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

You are not behaving according to his expectations, so he is confused and concerned - and worried that he doesn't know what's coming next.


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## jameskimp (May 8, 2012)

There's 5 stages of grief. I think you're still in the first one called denial. Maybe not outright but subconsciously. You can't fathom how someone you love so much could do this to you, it can't be true. You even laugh about it like it's nothing. I think reality will hit soon. 

Anger comes next.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Uhhh... OK.

How old are the two of you?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> You are not behaving according to his expectations, so he is confused and concerned - and worried that he doesn't know what's coming next.


It's natural for a BS to be angry, hurt, jealous, etc at discovering that his or her spouse has cheated or is cheating, and everyone -- even WS's -- realize that.

He may feel that a lack of all that from OP means that she doesn't particularly value him as a spouse, partner, lover, etc.

But who gives a f*ck?!? Kick him to the curb!


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## Idyit (Mar 5, 2013)

Maybe you're just done.

~ Passio


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I would guess he's mad because he doesnt think you give a damn about him anymore. He also might be wondering if you have a boy friend.

What are you thinking of doing? Can you get over this a second(at least) time? Why would you want to?

You're in a marriage in name only and how could he do this and still care about you?

He now qualifies as a serial cheater. Google it. They rarely quit cheating.


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## TESS33 (Feb 27, 2015)

I'm 35 he's almost 35. I'm not in shock. I don't have anyone else. Part of me expected him to cheat . So he's mad cause I didn't over react. He should nt expect anything else from me, why should I go all out crazy about something I can not change. He did it. And now I'm just going to focus on me and not on him. I do love him but we've been down this road before. I forgave but he still strayed. So I'm at a point where we talked and nnow neither of us know where to go from here. He still here as am I . I always wanted the 50+ year marriage, and I tell him its suposed to be til death do us part. But today he left for work mad but kissed me and repeatedly said he loved me. :scratchhead::scratchhead:


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

What do *you* want to do?


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## TESS33 (Feb 27, 2015)

I want to be happy and to live life without worrying about my H. I don't know about staying together. But I don't want a divorce either. 

And in case anyone asks, yes we have 3 kids together . 13, 11, 10 are their ages


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## NosborCrop (Feb 25, 2015)

lol lol whatahell


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

You have very low expectations of this man. I dont blame you.


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## TESS33 (Feb 27, 2015)

The thing is we married in our early 20's and I don't know anything else but being with him. We dated for 3 years before marriage. He cheated a few years back but we reconsiled and moved forward. This time he cheated with a one night stand. And the only thing I can say is I'm not mad and I don't know what to do next. I'm a stay at home wife and he supports me. Everytime I try to get a job Im misserable between work kids him and so last year I decided to stay home for a bit. And he said that's fine with him. So he told me why he cheated and it has nothing to do with me being home. It was an answwer that didn't shock or upset me. So I kindof expected. It.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening Tess33
You have every right to be as mad, or not mad as you wish. You can leave him. You can forgive him. You can decide it doesn't matter to you. This is entirely YOUR choice, no one can tell you how you should feel.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

why did he cheat?


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## TESS33 (Feb 27, 2015)

Cause he knew I was expecting him to. So he did so now I don't have to wait cause he did it. And now he can say he did and I can shut up?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

TESS33 said:


> Cause he knew I was expecting him to. So he did so now I don't have to wait cause he did it. And now he can say he did and I can shut up?


sorry your married to this.......crazy a$$hole.


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

TESS33 said:


> Cause he knew I was expecting him to. So he did so now I don't have to wait cause he did it. And now he can say he did and I can shut up?


Wtf?


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

TESS33 said:


> Cause he knew I was expecting him to. So he did so now I don't have to wait cause he did it. And now he can say he did and I can shut up?


Uh? What does this mean?

Were you accusing him of cheating all of the time, so he said, "since you're accusing me, I might as well do it."? 

I don't understand this.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

TESS33 said:


> Cause he knew I was expecting him to. So he did so now I don't have to wait cause he did it. And now he can say he did and I can shut up?


LOL. No.

He did it because he figured he could do it w/o consequences. After all, he's done it (at least) once before!


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## TESS33 (Feb 27, 2015)

Yes Gus. That is the answer to Starr question. You nailed it. No I did not accuse him of anything. He made a choice because it's in his head. No I thought we were fine. We made plans for the future and were looking at new homes. Bills were paid. We were good. No fighting. No arguments, communicating about every thing. Smiles happy . Then this happened.


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## TESS33 (Feb 27, 2015)

So I've decided to take a few weeks to decide which route I need to take for me. I need to find a job so the decision is not based on finances. I have set a couple boundaries with him for now. Since we both live here. thanks everyone for their comments and support. I would like more advice on How someone else handled a similar situation. so comments are welcomed


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

TESS33 said:


> So I've decided to take a few weeks to decide which route I need to take for me. *I need to find a job so the decision is not based on finances.* I have set a couple boundaries with him for now. Since we both live here. thanks everyone for their comments and support. I would like more advice on How someone else handled a similar situation. so comments are welcomed


Excellent!

When the pain and anger come (and they will), give this a look...

http://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X

Have your husband read it as well.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

not being angry but instead non-chalant is being indifferent to the affair.

Expecting him to cheat and not wanting to divorce is a self esteem problem. You need IC and also to seek a divorce


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TESS33 said:


> Cause he knew I was expecting him to. So he did so now I don't have to wait cause he did it. And now he can say he did and I can shut up?


Come on, surely you do not believe that's why he cheated. He cheated because he wanted to. 

What he told you is the normal thing that cheaters do, they find any way they can think of to blame their cheating on their spouse.

When he cheated a few years ago, what reason did he give at that time?

How did you find out that he cheated this time?

Why is he upset that you are not angry? You did not have the reaction he expected. He probably thinks that it means that you do not care about him.

My first husband cheated.. it took me a long time to figure it out. By the time I did completely realize it, I was not angry... because I did not care. I was done for so many reasons. Like I told him, the major issues for me leaving is that I did not like the way he treated me. Why would I even bother getting angry about his cheating? Why would a spend any energy or emotions on it when I was done anyway?

Perhaps you are just done.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TESS33 said:


> So I've decided to take a few weeks to decide which route I need to take for me. I need to find a job so the decision is not based on finances. I have set a couple boundaries with him for now. Since we both live here. thanks everyone for their comments and support. I would like more advice on How someone else handled a similar situation. so comments are welcomed


How I handled it.

When I left my first husband, it was the first and only time in my adult life I have been unemployed. I was a SAHM for about 2 years.

What I did was a say a lawyer. The lawyer filed for divorce, included an interim custody plan. Plus she got a emergency court hearing to establish child support and spousal support. In one week I had the financial support I needed. 

I was job hunting but it took me 3 months to find a good job. Once I had the job, the support was adjusted.

So my advice? See a lawyer, find out your rights, get support established. It might take you a bit to find a job in this economy. You do not have to stay with him until you find a job if you chose to leave.

But see an attorney whether you choose to divorce or not. Knowing your rights can give you peace of mind.


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

Sounds like you did such a complete and thorough job of emotional detachment that congratulations is in order. We should all be so lucky.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

TESS33 said:


> I really want to know why he so upset at this point. I tried asking him and he says he's not. But he snapped at me just for doing normal things, like shopping.


Well, if I cheated on my wife and she didn't particularly care I'd be seriously worried.

It would mean..well..that she didn't care.

Maybe he thinks you're just done, planning a surprise divorce, moving out, gonna kill him in his sleep ...something, but I'm damned sure he didn't expect indifference.

He must be terrified.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

tacoma said:


> Well, if I cheated on my wife and she didn't particularly care I'd be seriously worried.
> 
> It would mean..well..that she didn't care.
> 
> ...


Word.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

He cheated because he resents you. He did it to hurt you. He was so invested in that outcome that it upset his apple cart when it did not.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

tacoma said:


> Well, if I cheated on my wife and she didn't particularly care I'd be seriously worried.
> 
> It would mean..well..that she didn't care.
> 
> ...


Not getting angry does not mean that she does not care. Her reaction is not indifference. It might appear to be, but it's not. She cares. She cares so much that she's talking about getting a job and leaving.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

farsidejunky said:


> He cheated because he resents you. He did it to hurt you. He was so invested in that outcome that it upset his apple cart when it did not.


:iagree: She took the fun out of cheating for him.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

TESS33 said:


> Cause he knew I was expecting him to. So he did so now I don't have to wait cause he did it. And now he can say he did and I can shut up?


OK, why were you expecting him to cheat?

Would counselling help you both get your stuff sorted out?:scratchhead:


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

staarz21 said:


> Uh? What does this mean?
> 
> Were you accusing him of cheating all of the time, so he said, "since you're accusing me, I might as well do it."?
> 
> I don't understand this.


My wife did this. She accused me of having an affair with the woman I had my revenge affair with.

Eventually I thought: "Might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb" and did something really, really stupid.

Now, did my wife's accusations tip me over the edge? Or was she just prescient?


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

tacoma said:


> Well, if I cheated on my wife and she didn't particularly care I'd be seriously worried.
> 
> It would mean..well..that she didn't care.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

This is funny but spot on


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

(in his mind)

If a man's wife is not upset about him cheating on her, she must believe he is a small, unimportant, undesirable little reject.

So, he may be right.


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

Cheaters usually don't expect their BS to act strong. In this case there was a previous betrayal, but OP seems to never have emotionally reattached with her WH and it caught him by surprise. I wasn't being facetious or patronizing when I congratulated her on her emotional detachment which saved her from further heartbreak. Anybody who attempts R should follow suit.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

TESS33 said:


> Its not the first but this time I caught him and I asked him to come home to talk. *We talked but I wasn't mad..* I laughed at him when he asked how come I wasn't screamiing or yelling at him? I told him I'm not mad. I accepted that it was something I couldn't change cause he had already did it, and we talked.
> 
> ...now I'm not sure if I handled it wrong. But I explained to him last night what is it going to do if I get angry and act all crazy? Besides a fight, a headache, stress and I don't want to do any of it. :scratchhead:
> 
> *Any advice???*


Tess,

First, you do know that this last ONS wasn't his first since you caught him in an affair years back, just the first time He was caught... again. He's a classic Serial Cheater. Your lack of anger or emotion at this juncture is actually very common to someone dealing with SC. 

Your indifference is not a sign that you don't care. It's an acceptance to the facts that you are married to SC. In a nutshell... you are detaching. More than likely, this "plan" was formed when you decided to R the first time. It's something just about all BS do when they choose to R with a Cheating Spouse. My C called it my Emotional Defense Plan. 

When I caught my wife cheating 5 years ago in a short affair with an old BF, it was bad, worse when I discovered she had been at it for 6+ years SC with multiple OM. In time, years, we R. However, I told myself, I would never go through this emotional stress again. Never Again. She knows with 100% certainty, the first sign of any future cheating... I'm done. No Emotions, No Discussion, No MC, just Done.

The fact that you have taken Emotion out of the question is actually a good thing. It reduces the stress, provides clarity, and gives you the advantage of choice. Let your H deal with the stress, the emotional uncertainty, the unresolved issue. BTW, that's why he is angry.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

TESS33 said:


> Its not the first but this time I caught him and I asked him to come home to talk. We talked but I wasn't mad.. I laughed at him when he asked how come I wasn't screamiing or yelling at him? I told him I'm not mad. I accepted that it was something I couldn't change cause he had already did it, and we talked. I asked questions and then we both got stuck at what to do next. But today he was upset all day at me. I didn't even mention it. I just went about my normal routine and he is upset. Why is he upset and why am I not?? I reliased I've been living my life around him so starting Today I'm living for me. But he mad that I'm not focusing on this issue. He left for work and I cried a little bit but I'm not mad at him. I am confused why. Now don't get me wrong I love him and I do not accept cheating at all. Marriage is between 2 people and that's it. But when I found out I just asked him to come home to talk. And we did talk and now I'm not sure if I handled it wrong. But I explained to him last night what is it going to do if I get angry and act all crazy? Besides a fight, a headache, stress and I don't want to do any of it. :scratchhead:
> 
> Any advice???


My GUESS is that your lack of anger has made him think that you don't care and are just going through the motions. I mean, you didn't even send him to his room!

The next move is really up to you. Tell him what you want, or tell him that if he wants to keep the marriage he's got to figure out what he needs to do. (If he doesn't know, dump him fast.)

There is no reason why you have to carry the blame, the hurt, the horror of it all. It won't hurt him a bit to have to do the work.


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

dear op ,
when u said u expected it ; was it because the feeling of unseurity existed because of having him cheated before ; or even before he cheated the first time ?


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

Sounds a lot like my current girlfriend.

She catches her ex-husband and a gal she knows in bed and tells both to dress and fluck off. Her response was divorce papers, though.

She later relays her feeling at that moment - "I was like "finally"".


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

ok, give him a few consequences so he can get a rise out of it.

cheaterville.com for him and OW. expose him to family and friends. at the same time, he receives his D papers, served to him at work. same lawyer working at scorched earth deal on is sorry arse.

even if you want to R, you can hold this over him. you can cancel or delay at any time.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

People tend to react with the tears, screaming, etc., out of shock and fear.

It sounds like this isn't much of a shock to you - you appear to have almost expected it - and you don't sound afraid.

Good for you. You may still love him and want to reconcile, but you are already on your way to a healthy, independent view of yourself within the relationship.

As for him, I think he's equating your reaction with your love for him. Without the keening and wailing, he's afraid you don't love him. He can't have his cake and eat it, too, if he thinks you don't love him. That would keep the cake out of his reach.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He doesn't 'support' you. You WORK at home and you SHARE that income. And if you were to move out, he will PAY a big chunk of his salary to keep you and your three kids in a home with food and utilities.

Maybe you need to look up some divorce paperwork, calculate what he's going to owe if he cheats again (because you WILL divorce him), and see if THAT stops him.


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## mattpf1 (Feb 25, 2015)

I went through this recently. We're you giving him sex ? Do you not care he cheated because your not giving him sex ? Is this what you mean you expected him to cheat? He might be mad because you totally don't care about his needs and he cheated and you still don't care.if you love him and you are actually not caring that he cheats on you expect him to continue it .it will eventully hurt you and if it doesn't there is something going on in your head that's not normal. 

Are you ok mentally also this sounds like you could be ready to snap sometimes people go funny like this after trauma than real bad things happen. Please if this is the case go to emergency urgent mental health.


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## mattpf1 (Feb 25, 2015)

I went through a pretty traumatic one. I had some serious dark thoughts. I checked myself into emergency and they sent me to urgent mental health where I was admitted to a 3 day short term care program which was amazing help for me. If I didn't go somebody or myself may not be here. Get yourself some support ASAP. Forget all this stupid advice on divorce right now focus on yourself divorce and useless threats to him can come later.


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## TESS33 (Feb 27, 2015)

mattpf1 said:


> I went through this recently. We're you giving him sex ? Do you not care he cheated because your not giving him sex ? Is this what you mean you expected him to cheat? He might be mad because you totally don't care about his needs and he cheated and you still don't care.if you love him and you are actually not caring that he cheats on you expect him to continue it .it will eventully hurt you and if it doesn't there is something going on in your head that's not normal.
> 
> Are you ok mentally also this sounds like you could be ready to snap sometimes people go funny like this after trauma than real bad things happen. Please if this is the case go to emergency urgent mental health.


Yes we were sexually active. I never with held sex. We had sex 2 days before this happened. My head is normal. I was discharged from therapy 5 months ago. Which I went to for 5 years. I'm not going to snap, I just didn't want to feed into his bad behavior. I do love him, I wish he would change. But I can't force someone to do what I want. 

Its been a few days now , I'm still not mad. He says he still loves me and kisses me goodbye when he goes to work. He said he not going to do it again. I'm still not sure what I am going to , need sometime to think. He has been waiting on me hand and foot , but no I've not engaged in any sexual encounter since. 

What happened is he lied about working late, I called his job they told me he had left already. I thought mabey he broke down but after 30 min of wondering I figured out to start calling hotels by his job, and low and behold he was registered at a hotel room. I asked them to tranfer me to his room. He answered and I was like clueless. He didn't hide it and said she left already. He told me he did it and then we talked on the phone. No screaming or yelling. Just talked. Then he came home and we talked some more. 

I do love this man. I just don't like his behavior. I not mad cause what's the point? Besides we both yell , fight , and nothing gets resolved. 

Divorce? Reconsilation? Just live here together as roomates? We have children.


Now what advice do you have?


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## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

TESS33 said:


> Yes we were sexually active. I never with held sex. We had sex 2 days before this happened. My head is normal. I was discharged from therapy 5 months ago. Which I went to for 5 years. I'm not going to snap, I just didn't want to feed into his bad behavior. I do love him, I wish he would change. But I can't force someone to do what I want.
> 
> Its been a few days now , I'm still not mad. He says he still loves me and kisses me goodbye when he goes to work. He said he not going to do it again. I'm still not sure what I am going to , need sometime to think. He has been waiting on me hand and foot , but no I've not engaged in any sexual encounter since.
> 
> ...


The complete lack of anger signals a lack of emotional connection to both him and the event. Do you love him, or are you comfortable and don't want to be without the comfort?

Is it possible that you have just compartmentalized (and hidden that compartment) what happened so you can move on?


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## TESS33 (Feb 27, 2015)

altawa said:


> The complete lack of anger signals a lack of emotional connection to both him and the event. Do you love him, or are you comfortable and don't want to be without the comfort?
> 
> Is it possible that you have just compartmentalized (and hidden that compartment) what happened so you can move on?


Move on?? To what. I love him I'm just not going to be mad anymore. I got mad at him before this many times but this time he did this deliberately. He told me he did this on purpose.

He's at fault but I get judged cause I ask why I'm not mad. Why is that?


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## TESS33 (Feb 27, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> :iagree: She took the fun out of cheating for him.


Does this mean he learned anything?:scratchhead:


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

You have no children? 

Why would you stay with a man who continually cheats on you? Who does not care about your feelings and has no empathy for you? A man with poor impulse control who only cares about his wants. 

If there are no real dire consequences to his action, he will do it again and again. 

Even if you give him ultimatums like being transparent, allowing you access to his phone/computer etc. Having him be completely honest and go to therapy and whatever else you need. You will probably never trust him again. 

I personaly wouldn't want to have to babysit my spouse, I wouldn't want to have to worry that they are doing the right thing, who are they talking to, where is it going...

A good man (or woman) is one who takes responsibility for their actions and is trustworthy enough to never put the marriage at risk. 

I wish you luck whatever you decide, but you do deserve better.


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## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

TESS33 said:


> Move on?? To what. I love him I'm just not going to be mad anymore. I got mad at him before this many times but this time he did this deliberately. He told me he did this on purpose.
> 
> He's at fault but I get judged cause I ask why I'm not mad. Why is that?


I'm not judging you at all. I am trying to help you figure out why you aren't mad (as per your OP).

When I say 'did you compartmentalize it to move on', I am meaning move on in the marriage, since it seems obvious that you are not going to leave him.

Also, I asked if you were with him because you really love him, or because it is comfortable. I ask this because if he has cheated before, which you indicate he has, and you caught him again, and this is your reaction, then maybe it is because you are comfortable and that makes it easier to dismiss it.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

TESS33 said:


> Move on?? To what. I love him I'm just not going to be mad anymore. I got mad at him before this many times but this time he did this deliberately. He told me he did this on purpose.
> 
> He's at fault but I get judged cause I ask why I'm not mad. Why is that?


what are you doing to defend yourself ?? he cheated on you deliberately and yet you defend him. 

If you are not angry then what are you or how would you describe your current state ?


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

TESS33 said:


> Yes we were sexually active. I never with held sex. We had sex 2 days before this happened. My head is normal. I was discharged from therapy 5 months ago. Which I went to for 5 years. I'm not going to snap, I just didn't want to feed into his bad behavior. I do love him, I wish he would change. But I can't force someone to do what I want.
> 
> Its been a few days now , I'm still not mad. He says he still loves me and kisses me goodbye when he goes to work. He said he not going to do it again. I'm still not sure what I am going to , need sometime to think. He has been waiting on me hand and foot , but no I've not engaged in any sexual encounter since.
> 
> ...


divorce/break up


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

If he did this for the reason you state, then he needs help. Having sex outside of your marriage is a very serious thing, not something you do out of pique, or whatever we can call his motivation. You may love this man, but this isn't what most people on this board would consider the behavior of a man who loves you. Not really.

Perhaps the reason you're not mad is that whatever love you feel isn't a healthy love. What he feels certainly isn't, in my opinion.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TESS33 said:


> Does this mean he learned anything?:scratchhead:


Probably...

You need to consider what you need for reconciliation. Some books that can help you are:

"Surviving an Affair"
"His Needs, Her Needs" 
"Love Busters" 

all by Dr. Harley. 

In order to continue there has to be come rules put in place that protect your and your marriage from his apparent need to cheat. In order to do that, he needs to know why he is doing this and he needs to then tell you. 

Then you build in protections. He might have been brought up in an environment where cheating is the norm. So a protection is that he does counseling to work through that. Plus, he can never work late without some proof to you that he's actually working.

It has to be a mutually agreed upon extra ordinary protection for your marriage. Your husband has something broken. He needs to protect from that.


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## TESS33 (Feb 27, 2015)

I'm not defending him or his actions. To be honest I have no idea if I want to leave or reconsile. Most of me needs time to decide. I don't want to decide anything right now.


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## mattpf1 (Feb 25, 2015)

TESS33 said:


> I'm not defending him or his actions. To be honest I have no idea if I want to leave or reconsile. Most of me needs time to decide. I don't want to decide anything right now.


Do not make this decision until a significant time has passed. I am right now in very similar situation. I have two kids but what my wife did would probably land her with weekend visits to our kids and I can't do that them. The kids deserve both parents. Wait a year or longer to make the choice to stay. And you are a very strong person ,first thing you need to do is make sure that dirty skank is gone from your husbands life if you want to make an honest attempt at this. Find out who she is and get rid of her. find out how he met her and cut that off. Remove all the bullcrap from your relationship. You have kids and love him it's worth fighting for. Get his phone records ASAP you can get last 3 months of texts and calls .it won't show you the messages but it will show you who texted who and when. All you have to do is log into his mobile phone account or call and request paper copies of this. That's how I caught my wife and that she was out and my friend seen her.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Op, 

I think you love your hubby but not in love with him. You're not mad, because you just dont care anymore in that department, as he disappointed you so greatly once, that the second time, just killed the reaction. 

Now that you are focussing on you, and he sees that you aren't fighting for him, his ego is quite shaken. I sure wish I had an oz of your wisdom when I was going thorough what you are dealing with right now. 

You know the road, you've been on it before, only you know if you really moved on or not. 

~sammy


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I agree with everybody else. Perhaps you don't really love him that much? Otherwise, maybe you just don't care that much about infidelity. It's not common but some people feel that way and are afraid to admit it because its against the norm.

Just do what makes you happy. If his cheating isn't hurting you than ok. Just be sure of that fact though.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

regardless of your next steps, he has issues. he lacks empathy. the list can go on and on...

your decision will include keeping him or sending him off to pasture. either way, he will not get fixed. he's broken. no magic sprinkly dust will suddenly make him a man.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

RWB said:


> Tess,
> 
> First, you do know that this last ONS wasn't his first since you caught him in an affair years back, just the first time He was caught... again. He's a classic Serial Cheater. Your lack of anger or emotion at this juncture is actually very common to someone dealing with SC.


You don't know. You may strongly suspect that it wasn't, or take a good guess that it wasn't, but you don't know. 

You can't generate facts and to do so is doing the OP a disfavor. She needs facts to decide how to proceed.


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## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

WonkyNinja said:


> You don't know. You may strongly suspect that it wasn't, or take a good guess that it wasn't, but you don't know.
> 
> You can't generate facts and to do so is doing the OP a disfavor. She needs facts to decide how to proceed.


She has caught him in an affair already once. The ONS is (at least) number two. I dont see a problem with his post, he is not generating facts, he is repeating what the OP has said and framing it the way it needs to be seen.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

TESS33 said:


> Does this mean he learned anything?:scratchhead:


It means he does love you or respect you. Tell him you might want to date random strangers on one of the dating sites to see if you can find an honest man instead of a cheating, lying, pathetic worm.

I thought I suggested you Google serial cheater, did you? What you don't understand about your husband is he isn't normal. He's psychologically impaired. There may be a number of reasons but few like him do the counseling to fix themselves.

You're not mad because, in your heart you saw this coming and you really were just waiting for it to happen. You can choose to be one of the playthings in his string of women or find a real man. Good luck and prayers for you and your kids.

I'm not sure if you are religious or not but one of the wisest verses in the Bible refers to not casting pearls before swine. Dealing with your hubby is just that.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Look up the five stages of grief, maybe you just haven't got to anger yet. It sounds like though you are in a marriage that has literally ran out of gas.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Who is OW? If she is married, expose to her husband. Is she a colleague of your husband?

Read about the 180


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## TESS33 (Feb 27, 2015)

So I've been off for a bit and read your responses. Its been a little while and I'm been working on me. Not mad still, but I have a clearer head now. I'm not going to put up with this anymore. I've laid down some ground rules about finances. And he agreed. Not giving him my time or attention at the moment and he seems to notice. He apologized a few times now but I told him how do you apologize for something you did on purpose? He has no answer except he's sorry. I've still made no decsion about divorce or anything. Just working on me and taking my time too.


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## TESS33 (Feb 27, 2015)

Chaparral said:


> It means he does love you or respect you. Tell him you might want to date random strangers on one of the dating sites to see if you can find an honest man instead of a cheating, lying, pathetic worm.


What does this mean exactly


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

You have reached the state of "Meh"

Strangely this is the point where you have the most success of real and lasting change in the relationship. He now knows that you have detached from him, that his actions will not hurt you and that you are indifferent to his attempts.

I am truly sorry for the pain that you suffered along the way that brought you to that place, but you have truly let him go.
Now. If you want, you can rebuild or you can have him leave. 

You are in control and there is no rush.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

TESS33 said:


> So I've been off for a bit and read your responses. Its been a little while and I'm been working on me. Not mad still, but I have a clearer head now. I'm not going to put up with this anymore. I've laid down some ground rules about finances. And he agreed. Not giving him my time or attention at the moment and he seems to notice. He apologized a few times now but I told him how do you apologize for something you did on purpose? He has no answer except he's sorry. I've still made no decsion about divorce or anything. Just working on me and taking my time too.


Sounds like you're doing well.

Tess, how would you describe your need for emotional attachment to anyone? Do you feel like you are the type that could stay, for the kids, and not really long for the emotional attachment of a healthy relationship with a man? I'm just curious because I'm in the same boat as you and I think I'd shrivel up to nothing, but we're all different. I'm wondering if people other than people like me are truly able to do that and be happy.


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## Canon in D (Aug 24, 2014)

I've been reading this on and off since you posted your first thread. Everyone has said it all. Forgive me if I had missed it, but I don't recall you saying anything else other than you love him, you are not mad, and you have decided to not put up with it anymore (GOOD FOR YOU!!). Because you didn't show any anger, I am wondering if you have put up a barrier to block off the emotions to protect you. 

I don't know if you think it is necessary, I would request the husband to go get himself check. Better to be safe than sorry. I would also ask to see the results, or be present when the results is being revealed. 

You are a very strong woman. Hugs.


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## KimatraAKM (May 1, 2013)

I think as everyone else said, you're just in the middle zone, where you just don't care anymore. You've excepted that you want to be happy, whether it be with your husband or without, you're looking out for yourself and that's a great thing. 

If you love him, this may feel like a cross road. You may feel like if you keep being blah you could end up taking the last step towards totally losing love for him. Or you could feel like if you lean too much the other way you may end up in a never ending cheating spiral. It's a difficult place to find yourself.

I wish you the best and hope to hear how your story continues. I'm in much the same place, though my hubby only had an EA and only once. I feel he hoodwinked me with R, then never actually followed through on anything he said. But that bitterness is a dangerous feeling too.


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## TESS33 (Feb 27, 2015)

Well I've been off for a while taking care of me. Doing a little bit of thinking on an exit plan but im still here. He is still here and now is trying to get my attention. Im ignoring him at the moment cause im just working on me. Found out he went to hotel 2 times. so now im just worried about me. 

The hotel was the night I caught him and the other was the week before when I thought it was once. So im been played but No more. I'll keep you guys updated on me

Been looking at divorce attorney now.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It does sound like it's time for a lawyer.

Good luck to you...and do keep us posted.


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## TESS33 (Feb 27, 2015)

Also still not mad. Just done. Told him he looked. Surprised. Told him he can have the world, just can't have me No more. But now he wants to pay attention to me.. seriously. No I've been played to much. Im 35 and don't want to play games No more. He listened for the first time and now he want to say he wants me. Ha... Why so he can play games again... not with me


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TESS33 said:


> Also still not mad. Just done. Told him he looked. Surprised. Told him he can have the world, just can't have me No more. But now he wants to pay attention to me.. seriously. No I've been played to much. Im 35 and don't want to play games No more. He listened for the first time and now he want to say he wants me. Ha... Why so he can play games again... not with me


I'm sure you know that if you decided to reconcile, he'd most likely go back to his usual ways.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

I'm so glad you are standing up for yourself


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

TESS33 said:


> Well I've been off for a while taking care of me. Doing a little bit of thinking on an exit plan but im still here. He is still here and now is trying to get my attention. Im ignoring him at the moment cause im just working on me. Found out he went to hotel 2 times. so now im just worried about me.
> 
> The hotel was the night I caught him and the other was the week before when I thought it was once. So im been played but No more. I'll keep you guys updated on me
> 
> Been looking at divorce attorney now.


Tess, your H sounds like a right bit of work and a liar to boot. I am so sorry you are going through. I think you are right to start on the exit plan without letting him know. i hope you are doing the 180 on him, sounds like you are.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

He has been playing games, hasn't he? That's exactly what it is. And they are hurtful games, and he hasn't cared that he has hurt you.

Stay strong. Keep detaching. Do the 180. He REALLY doesn't deserve you.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I missed the beginning of this saga back in February. At this point I've read the first and last page.
Tess' main question was why was her Wayward husband upset at her reaction. I'd like to take a stab at that as She is still struggling to understand his reactions.
This is the second (at least) affair. After the first affair and as a result of it Tess disconnected emotionally enough to protect herself. Her husband failed to recognize this until he was caught in the latest affair. He was quite unpleasantly surprised to find that his wife didn't care enough about him to throw a screaming fit over his despicable behavior. He continues to be bewildered, Tess continues to withdraw and protect herself.

Tess The reason you are not mad is not because you are in denial it is because you have already accepted the loss.
MN


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

TESS33 said:


> Also still not mad. Just done. Told him he looked. Surprised. Told him he can have the world, just can't have me No more. But now he wants to pay attention to me.. seriously. No I've been played to much. Im 35 and don't want to play games No more. He listened for the first time and now he want to say he wants me. Ha... Why so he can play games again... not with me



He is shocked that you are leaving because you have put up with his poor behavior so far. He has a wife at home, someone to help out or take care of things, and his cheating is his dopamine rush that he should of have found a way to be released with you, but he left you out.

He is being needy because you did fulfill his needs, and he stayed attach to you in that manner, however, like some posters have posted, you have personally disconnected from him, but he was so wrapped in his own world, he failed to notice the signs.

He was so focused on himself, that he did not notice you, and the only reason he does notice now is because you have made it an issue.

Some people lack the self-awareness of how their actions or lack there of, affects others around them. He was neglectful to you as well. If he missed some obvious signs, or stops to think, hmm, this action is going to hurt my wife if she finds out, perhaps I should not.

When he found out that he does not matter to you as he believed, he got angry. He was not as significant , and that hurt him as fcked as that sounds.

It is like a spouse going home and then spending all their time playing video games, or is hooked on social media. They lose focus on others around them, and when their SO walks away, they are surprised. There were signs, and they never considered that being neglectful woulda have any consequences.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

He thought he had you in his pocket.

Keep showing him that he doesn't any more.

Do this for you, not to get him to notice you.

This is a case where the WS has been blatantly hurtful. He did it on purpose.

Keep detaching for you & only you.

Sending vibes for strength -


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## Welsh15 (Feb 24, 2014)

Tess, you are on the right path and have handled everything right IMO. Continue to detach work on your self, and plan for YOUR and your kids future. You can do it. No reason to stay with some one that disrespects you so much. good luck and positive thoughts heading your way.


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