# Husband lack of desire in sex is making me think it's cause of me



## Chels811 (Mar 30, 2016)

Hello I'm new at this but am needing some kind of insight so that I might be able to sleep tonight. We've been married for 10years and always joke that we have a sex life most married couples would dream of, it was incredible...then it came to a hult. I've always wanted sex more then my husband if I could have it 24-7 I would, but it's gone from a couple times a week to now once every couple months. I throw myself on him and have been getting rejected with "I'm tired" and I'm taking it so personally. I feel like if I really am so pretty and desirable like he always tells me then why is he so "tired"?!! This is really making me go insane I can't stop over analyzing wondering where did this all go wrong? Is it me? Did he meet someone else? Am I over exaggerating? Why do I have to have sex to feel so connected in our relationship? Why do I crave sex all the time? Why does he not? I feel like I'm going mad...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Chels811 said:


> Am I over exaggerating? Why do I have to have sex to feel so connected in our relationship? Why do I crave sex all the time? Why does he not? I feel like I'm going mad...


No you are not over exaggerating. Sex 10 or fewer times a year is considered a sexless marriage. It sounds like you are now in a sexless, or near sexless marriage.

Why do you crave sex all the time? Why do you need sex to feel connected in our relationship? Because you are human. Your feelings are natural. Your need for sex to maintain your relationship is natural. The human body produces oxytocin and other feel good & bonding chemicals during sex. Humans need those chemicals to maintain the feeling of being in love and connected/bonded in a relationship.


Chels811 said:


> Is it me? Did he meet someone else?


Is it you? Most likely not. 

There are many things that can lead to a man not wanting sex with his wife.

Did he meet someone else? There is a good possibility. One of the main reasons that men stop having sex with their wives is because they are getting it elsewhere. What have you done to find out if there is someone else in his life?

Another major reason for men withholding sex is because he is harboring anger and/or resentment. When he has a wife who want sex, it’s a great passive aggressive way to punish her and yet make himself look like the victim. (And often times this anger is mixed with him having an affair.)

Other reasons could be that he now has low T levels or other health issues? Has he been to a doctor to have his hormone levels checked? How about to find out why he is tired all the time? It’s no normal for an adult to be tired all the time. If I were you these health issues are the first thing that I would push… he needs to see a doctor to find out if he has a health problem that can be fixed. If he refuses to see a doc about this, I’d say that the ‘tired’ bit is a excuse.

Women often blame themselves when their husbands don’t want to have much, or any, sex. After all we hear all the time that men are always ready for sex. Well it’s not true for a good number of men. The fact is that men are as likely to withhold sex in a marriage as women are. About 20% of all marriages are sexless. 
Here is a book that I think could help you figure out what is going on with your husband and help you find an approach for handling his lack of desire for sex with you.

Why Men Stop Having Sex: Men, the Phenomenon of Sexless Relationships, and What You Can Do About It


And here is another book that might help further after you figure out the basis of the issues.

Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence by Esther Perel. Esther also has some good talks on youtube to include some ted talks.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
check out all the discussions here on LD / HD (low desire / high desire) relationships. 

There is a huge range in how much sex different people want. This can sometimes change over time, but there is rarely anything you can to to "make" it change. When there is a mismatch in a relationship it is really miserable. One person feels constantly rejected and unloved. The other constantly pressured and unvalued. It usually has nothing to do with what the HD person is or is not doing. The LD person just doesn't want sex. What is even more frustrating is that the LD person often can't understand that the HD does want sex. 

If his interest had suddenly dropped, there might be a specific reason. In this case it sounds like he was always fairly LD, and it is just gradually declining - or he is given up on making an effort. 

There is nothing wrong with you. Many women and men enjoy frequent passionate sex. Sadly though not all do. 

I've been in this situation for 30 years (with the genders reversed). It doesn't get better, being turned down doesn't get easier. I have found no way to make it better.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Chels811 said:


> I feel like if I really am so pretty and desirable.... Why do I crave sex all the time?



Odds are you crave sex because you are a confident person and you are not afraid to ask for what you want.

However you may be struggling to overcome your husband's lack of self confidence or perhaps a depression. He may even blame you for having a lack of confidence to know that he loves you even when he does not desire sex, and he will feel honest telling you this (not realizing it is a manifestation of his own self image and lack of love for himself).

Problem is you can't be responsible for making your husband happy. He has to do that on his own and then share that happiness with you. You can however do whatever it takes to make sure he feels loved!

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

There are many reasons men can be LD, i.e. low testosterone, stress, health issues, performance anxiety, etc. Chances are it has absolutely nothing to do with you. How old is he? The only thing that you are doing that might be contributing to his LD is coming on too strong and smothering him a little too much. Some men get turned off by that if they are already LD.

Have you two actually been able to talk about this without getting defensive? Just tell him you are concerned about his health, and are just trying to figure out what is going on in that department. An important part of any conversation of this type is to absolutely NOT get defensive or angry. If that happens, just step away and let things cool off. If he will talk to you about it, tell him you love him no matter what, but you are concerned about his health, and that it feels like he is disconnecting with you. Tell him you will do whatever it takes to help him resolve any issues he may be having, and actually DO it. Go to a doctor, get a complete blood work up to see if there are any health issues to be concerned about, and treat accordingly. Ask the doctor if he can give any samples of Cialis, Levitra, or Viagra in the short-term. Most doctors keep some samples on hand, but they seem to run out often (I wonder why). On top of that, I would most certainly ask for a written prescription, even if you can't afford it. You can order generics for these medicines online. I haven't done it, but there are others on TAM that have, and can steer you to where to get them.

I don't know what all you have tried, but I would suggest cuddling with him, touching his man parts, and maybe even surprise him with a BJ. You could also try to put on a little show for him, touching yourself in a not so subtle sexual way, masturbate in front of him, and use a toy on yourself if available. Others on TAM have suggested scheduled sex when one partner is LD and the other is HD -- a compromise of sorts.

Not knowing either one of you makes it a lot tougher to figure out what will help, or what will work. I know it's not real common for a man to not want sex unless there are underlying issues.

Good luck, and I pray you two get it figured out.


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## Jus260 (Mar 24, 2016)

I don't know if posting threads from other boards is allowed on this site. Hopefully it is. If you are in a sexless marriage, I recommend you read this thread. 


Living with an asexual/low sexual wife - For Sexual Partners, Friends and Allies - Asexual Visibility and Education Network

You don't have to read more than 10 pages to get the idea. I had no idea these people existed until I read this. There is a woman in this thread whose husband had low testosterone. He got injections and started testing at normal levels. He still didn't have a sex drive. They view this as the 4th sexuality with Hetero, **** and BI. Hopefully you aren't with one of these people.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bankshot1993 (Feb 10, 2014)

There isn't much I can say that hasn't already been said. There are two things that haven't been mentioned that I will bring up though.

The first is boredom, Is he simply bored with the physical side of things? If you've noticed a gradual decline over a couple years than I would say this is a good possibility but if the drop off in activity has been fairly sharp I tend to think affair.

In any event, if sex is usually fairly vanilla and routine (by routine I mean you do the same positions and follow the same script each time you engage) than maybe he is just getting to the point where he is having a hard time getting excited about eating the same meal over and over again. I'm not saying he wants a different woman, I'm just suggesting that maybe the meal (sex) could follow a different recipe, change it up by throwing him a curve ball. Does he have any kinks or fantasies that you could play around with in some way. One of the other posters suggested putting on a show, that's a great idea. I will guarantee that would put me in the mood in a hurry.

The second reason that comes to mind could be a porn addiction. some people think that watching porn makes you horny so you end up wanting sex even more but with porn addiction to tend to become more dissatisfied with your own sex life because it doesn't compare to the wild antics of what your watching in the porn movies. These people end up taking matters into their "own hands" so to speak and then have no desire left when it comes to the spouse. This is because they have spent all their "energy" on the unrealistic ideal that they get from the porn and become increasingly disillusioned about what normal is.


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## blessedhusband (Apr 10, 2016)

I know this thread is a little old, but I am guessing the issue is still relevant to you. Hopefully, you have made progress in opening up the channels of communication in your marriage in the past couple weeks. But if not, here is my advice:
If you want to know why your husband does not want sex, the best way to find out is to ask him. If you have tried that without success, then maybe you are not asking the right questions or asking in the right way. For instance, "Why won't you have sex with me?" can seem confrontational. His reason is likely very sensitive and embarrassing, so you need to make him feel comfortable. You may try prefacing your question with something like, "Is it OK if I ask you a question?" That alone can tear down some barriers by showing that you are willing to make yourself vulnerable. If you still don't feel like you are getting to the truth, gently probe with questions like these:
1) "Is there anything you are feeling guilty about?"
2) "Do you feel like you are letting me down in some way?"
3) "Do you feel like something may be off hormonally?"
Here are some possibilities you may need to explore:
1) A medical condition, such as low T
2) A psychiatric condition, such as depression
3) Feelings of inadequacy, such as after gaining weight or after failing to perform
4) Guilt. Based on your location of residence, there is a reasonable chance that you and I are members of the same church. If that is the case, be aware that members of the church are more likely to be overcome with strong feelings of guilt for what others might consider more minor offenses, because of the value we place on chastity. For instance, a member of the church who views pornography, engages in masturbation, or harbors a secret fetish may experience levels of guilt more comparable to what others might experience following infidelity. For many, these feelings of guilt may be a barrier to sexual activity.
Try to be patient and understanding with him. Whatever is bothering him is likely very sensitive and embarrassing for him. He will feel very vulnerable if he chooses to open up and will be looking to you for support. 
I would love to have sex with my wife even just a few times a year, but because of her mental illness that doesn't happen. Remember that there is so much more to your marriage than sex. And whatever you do, DON't BLAME YOURSELF! In my experience there is next to no chance that your husband's reluctance has anything to do with you. What's more, you are a valuable and precious daughter of a loving God. Nothing that has been discussed in this thread has anything to do whatsoever with your worth or potential.


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## seahorse (Apr 10, 2010)

There are many root causes. The key is to try and identify which general category, and then narrow it down diagnostically. There could be more than one root cause:
- physiological / physical: low T, overweight, underlying medical condition, aging
- psychological: trauma, repressed sexuality, guilt
- interpersonal: anger or resentment, fear of being honest or sharing fantasies
- chemistry : boredom, losing attraction for one reason or another

You'll need for him to answer honestly in order to get to the bottom of it. Hopefully he'll respond positively to your overtures. Good luck

-seahorse


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## pineapple (Apr 9, 2016)

I'm in a sexless marriage (getting my ducks in a row to get out of it) and it's because H is PA. It's been that way for most of our two decade marriage. It's his way of punishing me.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Chels811 said:


> Hello I'm new at this but am needing some kind of insight so that I might be able to sleep tonight. We've been married for 10years and always joke that we have a sex life most married couples would dream of, it was incredible...then it came to a hult. I've always wanted sex more then my husband if I could have it 24-7 I would, but it's gone from a couple times a week to now once every couple months. I throw myself on him and have been getting rejected with "I'm tired" and I'm taking it so personally. I feel like if I really am so pretty and desirable like he always tells me then why is he so "tired"?!! This is really making me go insane I can't stop over analyzing wondering where did this all go wrong? Is it me? Did he meet someone else? Am I over exaggerating? Why do I have to have sex to feel so connected in our relationship? Why do I crave sex all the time? Why does he not? I feel like I'm going mad...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



You definitely are a HD woman, no doubt and every guys dream.

Your hubby was probably always LD to begin with and as he gets older, his LD will become more and more apparent, lowering test levels due to aging.


You sound like me.

Your hubby sounds like my wife.


If your hubby is open minded, have him go to the doctor and start getting regular test shots. That will definitely raise his test and sex drive.

He should be weight training and eating healthy.

No alcohol, smoking, drugs, etc.


You are a very healthy woman with an adventurous high sex drive. Nothing wrong with you at all. Your hubby should have a healthy sex drive because us guys have much higher test levels, making us very horny.


Many guys here would kill for a wife like you.


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## pineapple (Apr 9, 2016)

CuddleBug said:


> You definitely are a HD woman, no doubt and every guys dream.
> 
> Your hubby was probably always LD to begin with and as he gets older, his LD will become more and more apparent, lowering test levels due to aging.
> 
> ...


My H had low testosterone and when his levels got back to normal, he still had no interest in sex with me. But, I now know it was likely is PA crap.


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## EllaBella (Apr 13, 2016)

It's a lot more common than people think for men to have low sex drives. Off the top of my head I can think of 5 women I know (perfectly sexy, lovely women) who wish their husbands would have sex more often and I'm the 6th. It's a really sad thing to deal with and it feels like there really is no solution. I think it's worse for women because it's not the cultural norm and also it doesn't feel natural for many of us to always be the initiator or the pursuer. 

Someone said to put on a show for him. AS IF she would be able to put on a show. For a start, her sexual confidence is probably zero in relation to him. Secondly it's more than likely he will STILL be 'tired' -or even feel it's too blatant and be put off - and the rejection would be too much to bear.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

EllaBella said:


> It's a lot more common than people think for men to have low sex drives. Off the top of my head I can think of 5 women I know (perfectly sexy, lovely women) who wish their husbands would have sex more often and I'm the 6th. It's a really sad thing to deal with and it feels like there really is no solution. I think it's worse for women because it's not the cultural norm and also it doesn't feel natural for many of us to always be the initiator or the pursuer.
> 
> Someone said to put on a show for him. AS IF she would be able to put on a show. For a start, her sexual confidence is probably zero in relation to him. Secondly it's more than likely he will STILL be 'tired' -or even feel it's too blatant and be put off - and the rejection would be too much to bear.


Yes, it is sad!

I wonder if there is something about your personality type or whatever that causes similar women to flock together so to speak.


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## 2ndchanceGuy (Sep 28, 2015)

CuddleBug said:


> You definitely are a HD woman, no doubt and every guys dream.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

pineapple said:


> I'm in a sexless marriage (getting my ducks in a row to get out of it) and it's because H is PA. It's been that way for most of our two decade marriage. It's his way of punishing me.


:surprise:2 decades is a heck of a lot of time to be passive/aggressive.

dude must have some real issues.


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## pineapple (Apr 9, 2016)

jorgegene said:


> :surprise:2 decades is a heck of a lot of time to be passive/aggressive.
> 
> dude must have some real issues.


Obviously. His dad is the same way. Still is.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Chels811 said:


> Hello I'm new at this but am needing some kind of insight so that I might be able to sleep tonight. We've been married for 10years and always joke that we have a sex life most married couples would dream of, it was incredible...then it came to a hult. I've always wanted sex more then my husband if I could have it 24-7 I would, but it's gone from a couple times a week to now once every couple months. I throw myself on him and have been getting rejected with "I'm tired" and I'm taking it so personally. I feel like if I really am so pretty and desirable like he always tells me then why is he so "tired"?!! This is really making me go insane I can't stop over analyzing wondering where did this all go wrong? Is it me? Did he meet someone else? Am I over exaggerating? Why do I have to have sex to feel so connected in our relationship? Why do I crave sex all the time? Why does he not? I feel like I'm going mad...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hi, I'm a newly wed in a similar situation. I feel the same way as you thinking I'm mad for being in lust. I wish I could give some advice but I haven't a clue. I'm not sure if my husband is shy or just isn't interested anymore.


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## Mrs. Rodriguez (Aug 5, 2012)

Girl I'm in the same boat. Want to beat my head against the wall. Hubby is 34 and I'm 26. My drive has always been higher but his is getting low and worse. I have done everything I can think of but he never changes. I'm boarder line wanting to cheat just to feel wanted!
I'd love to talk to someone in the same boat. Message me anytime


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Mrs. Rodriguez said:


> Girl I'm in the same boat. Want to beat my head against the wall. Hubby is 34 and I'm 26. My drive has always been higher but his is getting low and worse. I have done everything I can think of but he never changes. I'm boarder line wanting to cheat just to feel wanted!
> I'd love to talk to someone in the same boat. Message me anytime


 @Mrs. Rodriguez how are things with your situation? Mine has improved a little bit with my husband, we'll get there eventually!! 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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