# a question about bed time.



## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

Hello all. Quick bit of my story. Married 30 years, in 2011 I discovered my xwife was having an affair. We divorced. I spent the next 7 years recovering. Last fall I asked the woman I was dating to marry me. Still think it was a good move  , but running into different issues that I never saw coming so why I am here today.

Bedtime. I am a gamer, probably too much of a gamer, but owning my own business for 30 years will wear a guy out mentally and I can really relax gaming. During my single/divorced years, often I would stay up to midnight or later gaming. Since I have been married (seven months) my wife thinks if she is going to bed, so should I. Now if she were wanting to engage in activities that would be ok, but thats not the case, she just goes to sleep. (overall we have a very good sex life, not complaining about that) But I think (and maybe wrongly, sure you will let me know) why go to bed if I dont feel like it? Yes, I could go, falling to sleep is not an issue for me, but if I feel like gaming why shouldnt I? Last week, two times, I stayed up. Once until midnight, once until 1 am. Neither time did it affect my going to work. Nor was I grumpy the next day. But man did I hear about it! not once but have probably had 4 or 5 snide remarks, questioning why I stayed up, etc.

My question is: Do you always go to bed when your spouse does? Is it to be expected that I would go to bed when she does as a bonding exercise? I am almost 60, the thought that the rest of my life I will be expected to follow her lead makes me feel like a 6 year old kid with a bedtime. Whats the deal?

I should add that we do ALOT together. Things we both enjoy. We get alot of together time.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

This could likely be a much bigger issue for her than you would like to believe.

I think that separate bed times is a crack in the marriage foundations. 

And yes, my wife and I always go to bed together when she is not working nights.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I think if you spend a lot of time together, you have a great sex life, you should be able to stay up later than her on occasion without being in "trouble" about it.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

If staying up late and gaming and not going to bed at the same time is happening every once in a while, it shouldn't be that big of a deal. If it's happening on a nightly basis, that might be a whole 'nother beast. My personal opinion is that going to bed together at night and falling asleep together is a huge piece of the puzzle of intimacy between a husband and wife.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

We've always had a bedtime mismatch. This was evident even when we were dating. I was a night owl. She was an early riser. After about 9pm, she's has to bow out, while I'm just reaching peak alertness! We learned to manage this. It's really not that tough. When you think about it, everyone needs some alone time. I would get mine in the late eve and she would get hers in the early a.m. Win-win. 

Of course, some adaptation is necessary. If we're going out late, she would try to sneak in a midday nap and/or have some evening coffee (a little caffeine goes a long way with her). For my part, I learned to be at peace once a while going to bed early (for me), most often spooning her to sleep which also deepens my peace. She's cool with me not doing it most of the time and appreciates it when I do. I try to be in touch with those times when she's especially in need of quiet companionship and, as long as I'm there during those times, she's happy to cut me loose the rest of the time. 

We once lived adjacent to a tennis court and she would like to get up early and play before we went to work, so occasionally I would drag my bleary eyed self out of bed at 5am so we could get in a few strokes before the daily commute. And speaking of daily strokes, she was much more interested in sex in the a.m. than in the evening, so I learned to adapt there as well (although afternoon delight turned out to be the best compromise for both of us). 

Ironically things are rather reversed now. Maybe it's partly age, but I'm ready to go to bed at a more conventional hour now, and with maturity I have learned to calm my mind, so I can fall asleep easily instead of being the raging insomniac I was. So now , purely organically and not by any plan or effort, I find myself waking on my own, ready to go early in the morning. Meanwhile, menopause completely wrecked her ability to fall asleep easily or stay asleep, so she needs to sleep in to get adequate rest. Still no problem managing this.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Has she said why she feels this way? Maybe there is a real reason. I’d ask her and discuss it. Communication is key here. I’d also explain that you feel spending the time gaming when she’s sleeping seems like a good plan as it won’t take time away from your time together. She’s not alone in feeling like a couple should go to bed together, I know many women who feel the same.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

I go to bed around 8:00 to 8:30. I get up super early around 3:30 -4:00. My wife goes to bed around 1:30 -2:30.
There have even been times when I'm getting up and she's going to bed.

Me and her are compatible in most things and especially the important things but as far as bedtime, we are like night and day, literally. I knew she was a night owl when we were dating, cause I would get kissy faces by text late into the night.

It's a relatively minor annoyance. When she goes to bed she makes sure to grab me and spoon.
Although I'm not that crazy about it, I let it go. We've been married 6+ years and were still tight as a tick.

Beware of someone who makes a bigger deal about it then it is.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Hoosier said:


> ....questioning why I stayed up, etc.


Is the mere fact you are gaming not an adequate answer?

If you say you are up gaming, does she not believe this?

Is she accusing you of something else?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Because she feels like your games are more important to you than she is.

Play games OR be in bed with my wife?

No contest.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

One issue I see is that you're staying up gaming, which is a very engaging activity. It's different than being a night owl who would not be able to sleep. If you were instead doing something more relaxing like reading or watching TV, I think she would be more understanding that you just have trouble going to sleep at an early time. But gaming is likely keeping you awake. So there's two factors she could be upset about. One is that you're not going to bed at the same time. But the other is that you are actively engaging in an activity which inhibits you going to bed at the same time. It probably feels more like a conscious choice you are making. You are picking gaming over her.

As to going to bed at the same time, for me it is very important. I strongly support your wife's position that spouses should generally go to bed at the same time. Sure things may come up from time to time, but the vast majority of the time should be together. If both people are okay with irregular schedules, that's fine, but if one person wants it then it will likely cause conflicts if it's not resolved. I would classify it in the same category as intimacy. That is, if there is an unresolved mismatch, then likely it will be the source of many ongoing conflicts.


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## 20yr (Apr 19, 2019)

Is she a light sleeper? I know that if someone were to get in bed after I was asleep, I would wake up and have trouble getting back to sleep. That would make me very grumpy the next day!


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Looking back on things, I can see where our separate bed times was, over the years, a huge thing that helped to reinforce the two of us leading largely separate lives. It never seemed wrong at the time, but it created individual habits that really shot intimacy to hell. Not just talking sex, but worse... the groundwork that creates the type of intimacy that makes sex something worthwhile for both, nearly all the time, not because both enjoy the act more, but because each understands the other feels better when...

It took years and a major crisis to break my wife's habit of having to watch the weather, twice, on the 10 o'clock news. 10:15 and 10:47pm. And by the time the latter one rolled through, she'd be very tired. I was losing prime-time bed-time to the weatherman. And if not that, to games on her ipad. 

It started early on, when she had a job that had her coming home late at night, on an irregular basis. I'd get my own routines established while waiting for her, but she'd be too tired for anything by the time she got home. Intimacy became dictated by her work schedule, which would change from week to week. NONE of this seemed like a big issue at the time.

When she left the work force, her nightly ritual became almost reactive. She wanted to take control and do things her way. I, on the other hand, had my own irregular work hours caused by owning a retail business and having to work on stuff sometimes late at night. There was lots of "duty sex" where I'd be allowed to come in after the weather. But, we would very rarely go to bed together. She went in earlier. I'd go the post-weatherman thing, then have to get back to do more work on the computer.

Over the decades, stuff like this creates such a momentum that the idea of it being anything but normal doesn't come up. In our case, it took a major crisis to wake me up, and eventually her, and address some major issues in our marriage. One thing that we changed was bed time. It didn't come easy. But it's made a profound difference. Going to bed is now a ritual... in intimacy. Back rubs, arm massage, and, speaking of rituals, I make sure the bed is made every single night. It all makes a difference. And going to bed, and even beyond that, trying to actually get to sleep at the same time... it's just a bit short of awesome. You both feel so much better. You reach over and hold hands as you're going to sleep and it feels special. You can snuggle if it's cold and there's no resentment that sex was absent earlier (because it probably wasn't).

Long way of saying yes, if at all possible, try to synchronize bed time. Don't be under any illusion it will be easy to accomplish though.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

IIRC, your wife (who was at the time you posted before your gf) is at least slightly controlling at times. In this case, she wonders what you're really doing after she goes to bed so she wants you where she can keep an eye on you (IMO). Adults get to choose their preferred bedtime and many aren't on the same schedule as their spouse for various reasons. Tell her you're fine the way you are (but don't expect her to stop complaining about it). 

BTW, what happened with the situation with her adult son?


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

I would talk to her about it. I think going to bed together and getting up at the same time in general is really important for a relationship. I know for me that's one of my favorite times of day - laying down to sleep next to my man and cuddling for a bit. 

I don't think it's necessarily about her setting the rules and you must follow, as much as given work schedules what bedtime can work for both of you? But I find it odd that you stay up late and hear about it later. That seems unfair on her part -- If going to bed at the same time is important to her she needs to bring it up like a mature adult and get your input, not lay there and seethe quietly while you're up gaming, then treat you like you did something obviously wrong the next day.

FWIW - I'm more of a night owl too. My BF has to get up as early as 4:00 AM sometimes and goes to bed around 8:00 PM. He really likes it when I go to bed with him and get up with him. It's important to him and I like those times of day together too. And even though it goes against my nature, I realize most of the world operates on a daylight = daytime schedule. So now, in my 50's, I'm retraining myself to go to bed early and get up early, because I want a happy relationship. I've actually found myself looking forward to bedtime recently! 

However, sometimes I must stay up late to get work done. When that's the case, I tell him in advance so he's expecting it and he's fine with it. He's SUPER happy and appreciative that I'm voluntarily retraining myself for his schedule. If I'm going to be a part of a couple, I don't want to have unnecessary habits that separate us. (Now I just have to get him to rewire himself to want to have conversation in bed before falling asleep.)

I remember my cousin saying the *one thing * her husband does that really upsets her is stay up late watching TV or whatever when she's going to bed. She said she stomps around upstairs trying to send him a hint, but he doesn't respond. Then he falls asleep on the couch. It REALLY disappoints and upsets her to miss that intimate "end of the day" time with him.





Hoosier said:


> Hello all. Quick bit of my story. Married 30 years, in 2011 I discovered my xwife was having an affair. We divorced. I spent the next 7 years recovering. Last fall I asked the woman I was dating to marry me. Still think it was a good move  , but running into different issues that I never saw coming so why I am here today.
> 
> Bedtime. I am a gamer, probably too much of a gamer, but owning my own business for 30 years will wear a guy out mentally and I can really relax gaming. During my single/divorced years, often I would stay up to midnight or later gaming. Since I have been married (seven months) my wife thinks if she is going to bed, so should I. Now if she were wanting to engage in activities that would be ok, but thats not the case, she just goes to sleep. (overall we have a very good sex life, not complaining about that) But I think (and maybe wrongly, sure you will let me know) why go to bed if I dont feel like it? Yes, I could go, falling to sleep is not an issue for me, but if I feel like gaming why shouldnt I? Last week, two times, I stayed up. Once until midnight, once until 1 am. Neither time did it affect my going to work. Nor was I grumpy the next day. But man did I hear about it! not once but have probably had 4 or 5 snide remarks, questioning why I stayed up, etc.
> 
> ...


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Casual Observer said:


> There was lots of "duty sex" where I'd be allowed to come in after the weather. But, we would very rarely go to bed together. She went in earlier. I'd go the post-weatherman thing, then have to get back to do more work on the computer.
> 
> Over the decades, stuff like this creates such a momentum that the idea of it being anything but normal doesn't come up. In our case, it took a major crisis to wake me up, and eventually her, and address some major issues in our marriage. One thing that we changed was bed time. It didn't come easy. But it's made a profound difference. Going to bed is now a ritual... in intimacy. Back rubs, arm massage, and, speaking of rituals, I make sure the bed is made every single night. It all makes a difference. And going to bed, and even beyond that, trying to actually get to sleep at the same time... it's just a bit short of awesome. You both feel so much better. You reach over and hold hands as you're going to sleep and it feels special. You can snuggle if it's cold and there's no resentment that sex was absent earlier (because it probably wasn't).
> 
> Long way of saying yes, if at all possible, try to synchronize bed time. Don't be under any illusion it will be easy to accomplish though.


I could have written that almost word for word except the major crisis part. Bed time is a ritual for us now as well. Soon after that came shower time together .... another ritual
every single day. We both look forward to it now.


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## stefanjames (Jul 15, 2019)

what happened with the situation with her adult son?


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

Wow! Thank you all for your replies! I didnt get a chance to read them over the weekend, but will today! I thought that I probably would not get many responses, boy was I wrong. From just a quick look over them all, I realize that it is a bigger deal than I thought. I dont see it that way, but can now see that she is not the only one to think it important. I have some thinking to do.

As for my step-son. He still hasnt grown up, if you were wondering. Still has no job, (but going to California to see some buddies soon....he thinks) but she is coming around to realizing that she cant enable him for ever. I think what helped is she is selling her house and he was wanting to know how much she was going to give him from it! She explained to him the answer.... $0. I overheard her talking to him (not evesdropping, I was sitting next to her on couch during the conversation) she started saying exactly what I had said. Basically needs to see about his stuff, no more money coming his way. 

Time will tell.

Thanks again all! I thought to myself that maybe I am using TAM to much, should only discuss the IMPORTANT things. But after working me thru my divorce, now when I have a relationship question I immediately think...hmmm what would they say on TAM? Hope I am not to much of a pest.
Hoosier


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

This won't be much help I'm afraid but I'll say yes and no.

I know some couples that H will game till wee hours sometimes, their work schedules allow it without impacting good marriages. 

And others who fight over it.

If a second M for you both and mature ages, this activity shouldn't be a surprise to her. 

Wife and I go to bed same time, about 80% of the time, married 35yrs, no worries. 

Both parties really have to decide if this is a hill to die on.

Gaming can be addictive or it can be the one hobby a person has seriously taken up in this day and age. 

Like any hobby, it has the potential to consume too much of one's time. Or if the facts bear out togetherness and intimacy are in abundance regardless then it may be something deeper.

Perhaps it's just W's preference that can be balanced in her mind by communicating or maybe it's an insecurity.

Clear as mud, right?


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## SunWhiskey (May 21, 2019)

Just an observation.

Reading through this thread, it seems mostly the women are on the side of how important it is to go to bed at the same time.

The men seem to be on the latter side. There were a few exceptions.




Me personally, I never saw the issue with me staying up later. My wife complained about it. We are divorced now. This was one of our issues that I deemed small. It was a much bigger deal for her.

The reason? I seem to function best with 5 or 6 hours sleep. Any more or less ruins my day. Her? 10 hours every night.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Did something happen prior to you meeting your wife with her? Her SO sexting/EA after she went to bed?

I would rather go to bed and snuggle with wife than game.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

My fiancé and I rarely ever go to sleep together. She is a morning person and I am a night owl. I also work second shift so I don’t get home until 2 am. When I am off we will usually have sex when she is ready for bed at 9:30. After we snuggle for a bit I get up and generally come back to be around 1. This has never been a problem for us. We just have very very different sleep cycles. Honestly I think she likes falling asleep alone and walking up to me being there.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

20yr said:


> Is she a light sleeper? I know that if someone were to get in bed after I was asleep, I would wake up and have trouble getting back to sleep. That would make me very grumpy the next day!


Ah, that's why I've been grumpy all my life! :laugh:

Jokes apart, I think the wife thinks that to her husband video games are more important than her... he prefers to shoot countless nasty aliens instead of snuggling up with her in a comfy bed... I would be offended too... :laugh:


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

There are some really good points here about the intimacy issue, which I think your new wife is trying to tell you but can’t find the words. Also, I agree that her method of telling you is not the best. Sulking and being snide is not solving the problem, it’s making it worse.
On the other hand, I see the need for me time. I need alone time to recharge, silence to calm me. I like one posters idea of talking about it, compromising on how many times a week it occurs, or spending time with her as she falls asleep.
In the end you chose to marry, and marriage is compromise. Time to talk about this. There are some members on this forum that are very good at expressing themselves, find the ones that suit you and heed their advice.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> Did something happen prior to you meeting your wife with her? Her SO sexting/EA after she went to bed?
> 
> I would rather go to bed and snuggle with wife than game.


This seems like a no brainer but it's really not.

Yes, the easy answer is "go to bed with your wife". But OP conveys they do a lot together, intimacy isn't lacking, sex isn't lacking and sex frequency isn't an issue nor passion or related.

Now I used to 100% think gaming was a problem but as got to know some even one generation younger, and my age, I realized it's just another hobby.

Yes, seems to run late night but to many it's a normal thing. Now I believe it's more if a problem than not but had to realize observing other couples' dynamics it's more acceptable than I want to believe.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

We were married for 43 years when my husband passed on. For 43 years, I went to bed an hour earlier than him. Sometimes, he would be up much later. He was an avid reader. 

But, we had a routine where I would get ready for bed while he turned down the bed then give me a bear hug, a passionate kiss and a wink. He even put a little chocolate mint on my pillow at times. Always made me laugh. I knew he needed alone time and I didn't feel neglected.

Maybe you can tuck her in at night?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Hoosier said:


> My question is: Do you always go to bed when your spouse does? Is it to be expected that I would go to bed when she does as a bonding exercise?



My wife and I almost never go to bed at the same time. Usually one of us is up late watching TV, reading, or talking on the phone with family. So we each maintain complete independence regarding bedtime and it varies from day to day. We do however spend time together for a hug, back rub, and a nice long chat about our day just before one of us says goodnight. 

So as the end of the day rolls around one of us will say that we are ready for bed. At that time everything is put on hold so we can spend time together for about half an hour or so. Then whoever is still awake can go back to whatever they were doing.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

OP, You said that you were a gamer when you were dating her, right?
So she knew this.
Here's the issue...Are you going to maintain frame or let her do it?
Talk to her about why you game. 
If your sex life is fine....And she's going to go to sleep when you get in there, I'd have to remind her you are not a child. 
And sleep is her priority, gaming is yours. 
Respect hers, she respects yours. 

Sounds like some kinda TEST to me.......?


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> We were married for 43 years when my husband passed on. For 43 years, I went to bed an hour earlier than him. Sometimes, he would be up much later. He was an avid reader.
> 
> But, we had a routine where I would get ready for bed while he turned down the bed then give me a bear hug, a passionate kiss and a wink. He even put a little chocolate mint on my pillow at times. Always made me laugh. I knew he needed alone time and I didn't feel neglected.
> 
> *Maybe you can tuck her in at night?*


I'm not sure that would suffice.
I'd bet on it.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Blondilocks said:


> We were married for 43 years when my husband passed on. For 43 years, I went to bed an hour earlier than him. Sometimes, he would be up much later. He was an avid reader.
> 
> But, we had a routine where I would get ready for bed while he turned down the bed then give me a bear hug, a passionate kiss and a wink. He even put a little chocolate mint on my pillow at times. Always made me laugh. I knew he needed alone time and I didn't feel neglected.
> 
> Maybe you can tuck her in at night?


OOOOO I like this. I tried to think how I would feel if hubby stayed up way past me several times a week. I'd feel lonely. BUT if he came in while I got ready, we chatted and snuggled a bit, and then he gave me a goodnight kiss as I was settling in, I'd feel "taken care of," if that makes sense.

Going to bed alone is weirdly "symbolic" of no one else there for some people. I know it was for me during my lonely first marriage. And I know of some people - men and women - who have expressed the same.

One thing, I would not make the mistake of dismissing it as "minor" just because it isn't important to YOU. We all know how men feel when a woman decides sex is "minor" because SHE doesn't really care about it.

I applaud you for being willing to think about it and see things from her point of view. Apparently, you, my husband, and a handful of others are the rare exceptions these days...


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

personofinterest said:


> I like this. I tried to think how I would feel if hubby stayed up way past me several times a week. I'd feel lonel]y. BUT if he came in while I got ready, we chatted and snuggled a bit, and then he gave me a goodnight kiss as I was settling in, I'd feel "taken care of," if that makes sense.
> 
> 
> One thing, I would not make the mistake of dismissing it as "minor" just because it isn't important to YOU. We all know how men feel when a woman decides sex is "minor" because SHE doesn't really care about it.
> ...


 
I dont think I'm that good or smart. Just that in my first marriage things I didnt think were important WERE. Not making that mistake again. So when something comes up, even if think ..."whats the big deal" I still think about it, and in this case run it up the TAM pole! Guess what, this IS important, to her, so it is important to me. I am working out a compormise and in the mean time, I have been going to bed when she does and making sure we have cuddle time. Thank you for your reply.

Hoosier


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