# Starting to withdraw emotionally from my husband



## SddthB2006 (Apr 4, 2018)

Hello. 

Quick Background into my relationship. I am 37, He is 40. Married 11 years, together 21. 2 children, 14 and 11. 

There has been infidelity on both sides in the past. We are almost 2 years into reconciliation and for the most part it is going okay. I say for the most part because obviously based on the title of my thread I'm feeling we are starting to slip. I don't feel like I can really talk to my H. I have lots of girlfriends that I talk to a lot which is why I think I have been able to make the progress we have made thus far with R. I guess at the end of the day, I feel like I have put in a LOT more work on myself and our marriage than he has and I feel like I'm starting to build some resentment. 

While my H says he is okay with talking about our infidelities, he never brings it up. EVER. and it's not that I feel like at this point we need to be talking about it endlessly, but it is something that happened in our relationship that has had major impact on our lives and relationship and I don't think it should just be rug swept. I think it should be a reminder that we should work harder on communication. But i don't feel like that is happening, here is an example of the most recent thing that I felt could have gone better with a little more communication. (It's not like I don't try)

Recently, my brother in law (H's brother) and I invested in a small business opportunity just to get our feet wet in a market we are thinking of getting into. There was some risk involved, but I hadn't put too much into it. (The plan flopped, and while we didn't lose money, we didn't make money either) 
Anyway - prior to getting involved in all this, I asked my H more than once for his opinion on what we were doing, if he thought we should do anything differently, etc and I literally only got "I don't know", shrugged shoulders, and "if you are worried don't do it" 

My brother in law seemed pretty confident so I went with it. 

So today when we determined we were not going to make money, I was telling my husband about the outcome, and his response was "I could have told you that in the very beginning" so I said, Well why didn't you? I asked you more than once for your opinion...and his response was "Some lessons have to be learned the hard way" and "What would you have done had I said don't do it? Really...." and "Plus I didn't wanna come in all negative Nancy and shoot down everything in front of your friends. Which I could have done in less than five minutes."

Am I over reacting by being hurt by this? It makes me not want to get his opinion on anything, ever again. And in turn makes me withdraw from wanting to be close to him at all, because I don't trust that he will speak with me honestly and openly until damage is done. I try to come to terms with this by telling myself he is who he is, and lean on my girlfriends when I need to. I'm working really hard to accept him for who he is and what he provides to me (He is a great dad, and he has put in lots of work in other areas of the relationship that I'm happy with, I know that he loves me, etc)


I guess the advise I'm looking for is either ways to cope with and accept having a relationship with little communication with a spouse that doesn't communicate well, and/or how to approach this issue with him knowing I will likely hit a brick wall in trying to talk to him. My fear is that I am doing all the work to be a better spouse only to end up lonely again at the end of the day.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

what was the timeline who cheated first, how long did the affairs last, how many etc.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

The more you turn to friends for emotional support and intimacy, the wider the chasm between you and your husband will grow.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Based on what your husband said and his reactions to your recent investment, it sounds like he's already emotionally withdrawn.


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## SddthB2006 (Apr 4, 2018)

TAMAT said:


> what was the timeline who cheated first, how long did the affairs last, how many etc.


He cheated first. It was about a year. He gas lighted me, then told me he wanted a divorce. During that time we were quasi separated, I connected with an old friend, which started my own EA that lasted about two years off and on. After he found out about my own affair and we decided to R, about a year after that I found out new details about his affair which turned out he had been lying to me for years about the extent of what happened. - Anyway we are still working past everything. We have forgiven each other about the affairs and are working to try and rebuild trust At least I am, I hope he is too. I see many positive changes in him, but sadly deep and serious communication has not been one of them. (it has never been a strong suite of his, we communicate fine for everyday happenings, it's the deep and serious stuff we struggle with) 



zookeeper said:


> The more you turn to friends for emotional support and intimacy, the wider the chasm between you and your husband will grow.


Perhaps I worded it wrong, I don't feel I'm looking for intimacy, though I do value their emotional support when I need to vent. I have a need to talk about everything, maybe too much. I'm definitely an over thinker....but I do see what you are saying and I will continue to try to talk about the hard stuff with him. 



Prodigal said:


> Based on what your husband said and his reactions to your recent investment, it sounds like he's already emotionally withdrawn.


He has been this way our entire relationship, save a few months in total maybe when he really didn't want me to divorce him.


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## SddthB2006 (Apr 4, 2018)

In essence he's always been this way. It just wears me down sometimes and makes me sad that we don't have better communication skills.


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

zookeeper said:


> The more you turn to friends for emotional support and intimacy, the wider the chasm between you and your husband will grow.


I agree with this. I know, I am weird, especially amoung women - but I do not lean on my girlfriends for emotional support, and ESPECIALLY not for relationship issues. 

That is what my husband is for, and I play that role for him. He is after all, my best friend, and the person who's opinions matter to me more than anyone else. 



SddthB2006 said:


> I don't feel like I can really talk to my H. I have lots of girlfriends that I talk to a lot which is why I think I have been able to make the progress we have made thus far with R.


This is a huge problem - What *do* you two talk about? What can't you talk to him about, that you go to your girlfriends with instead?



SddthB2006 said:


> So today when we determined we were not going to make money, I was telling my husband about the outcome, and his response was "I could have told you that in the very beginning" so I said, Well why didn't you? I asked you more than once for your opinion...and his response was "Some lessons have to be learned the hard way" and "What would you have done had I said don't do it? Really...." and "Plus I didn't wanna come in all negative Nancy and shoot down everything in front of your friends. Which I could have done in less than five minutes."


Well... what would you have done if he told you it was a bad idea? Do you make him feel like his opinions matter to you, and that you value them? From what he said, to me, it sounds like he doesn't think that you truly value his input. 

And further - it sounds like he thinks you value your friends, their opinion or at least how you look in from of them, than his opinion. 

For me - this all sounds very foreign. ALL financial decisions in my home are made jointly, and we both have equal say (and equal powers of veto). We also co-mingle our funds... I an guessing this is "your money" that you were investing, and not his and your money? 

I'll say this much, I am in the same boat, in that both of us have cheated, and we are about 2.5 years into reconciliation after my F' up (ours were less messy, his affair more like 6 weeks long, mine was a few month PA). But we are still "us". Still a team, still us against the world.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Sddth,

I think he has to come clean about the affair details, particularly if it was a physical affair, you are correct that you cannot rug sweep it.

Were you able to view his communications with the OW, 

Did you expose the affair to the OWH or SO?

Did your H take a polygraph?

Tamat


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

SddthB2006 said:


> "What would you have done had I said don't do it? Really...."


This is a rhetorical question.... the answer to it will tell you one of the major reasons your husband is emotionally withdrawn.

People withdraw from relationships, and especially leadership, in order to avoid emotional pain.

I'll give you a short example from my own married life:

I am a reasonably capable handyman. I'm an electrical engineer by discipline, and therefore quite familiar with techniques which can make the "honey do" list not only disappear, but be completed in a workmanlike and attractive fashion as well.

However, I won't touch anything in our house. Not repairs, not construction, not remodeling, not anything of this sort. 
I just tell her to find someone and pay them. I do not get involved with who, when, how much, design, capability, or any aspect of the contractor arrangement. I don't even make any suggestions.

This is because I will be thoroughly castigated for even the smallest, insignificant defect. W will pull out a Sherlock Holmes magnifying glass and begin inspecting from the moment I bring tools out of my cave. If I make any mistake, I either must correct it instantaneously, or I will be made to feel like the most second-rate husband in the world.

I, therefore, will never again, as long as I live, do anything in our house, neither will I ever express any opinion about any aspect of it. I simply don't want to hurt for weeks because of her rejection. Let her vilify the contractor who is no longer here to hear it, and who has no moral responsibility to "love, honor, and cherish" her .... he can simply throw his tools in the box, leave her with a pile of drywall dust, and go to his next job.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

SddthB2006 said:


> He has been this way our entire relationship, *save a few months* in total maybe *when he really didn't want me to divorce him.*


Sounds like your husband could be one of those detached people who back into and out of relationships. He's not particularly emotionally invested; never has been, never will be.

Maybe you are one of those countless people who post here once or twice, don't get the answers they seek (or are just venting), and never return. Whether you return or not, all I can say is you should consider just pulling the plug. This "marriage" sounds like crap on a cracker to me. 

Oh, yeah, and get some serious counseling.


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## SddthB2006 (Apr 4, 2018)

I shouldnthave said:


> I agree with this. I know, I am weird, especially amoung women - but I do not lean on my girlfriends for emotional support, and ESPECIALLY not for relationship issues.
> 
> That is what my husband is for, and I play that role for him. He is after all, my best friend, and the person who's opinions matter to me more than anyone else.
> 
> ...



@Ishouldnthave - Here is exactly what I said to my H when asked what I would have done if he told me it was a bad idea "I likely wouldn't have done it. Because I cared about your opinion ."

_I_ feel like I do try to make him feel like his opinion matters, but if he does not feel that way I wouldn't know because he never talks to me about it. I am afraid to assume that saying nothing means everything is okay because I have found out the hard way that is not the case, yet I don't know how to bring it up to him. I suppose that is what I am asking. HOW do I start that conversation? When I have tried in the past I get either no response, or he tells me that he doesn't even think about it, or he tells me everything is okay. But then something like the example I mentioned happens and I feel confused. 

We talk about our kids, work, family, ideas on what we want to do to our house, bills, debt. I talk to my girlfriends about the same things I am asking all you strangers about. 

As far as financial aspect - our money is together, however usually if one of us gets a bonus, save for anything pressing that we are behind on or need to otherwise use the funds for, we get to decide what to do with that money. This was a yearly bonus (under 1k)

I almost wish I hadn't mentioned the fact of past infidelity in this post, but it's a relationship site, my first post, and it is an important relationship scar we bare.


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

SddthB2006 said:


> @Ishouldnthave - Here is exactly what I said to my H when asked what I would have done if he told me it was a bad idea "I likely wouldn't have done it. Because I cared about your opinion ."
> 
> _I_ feel like I do try to make him feel like his opinion matters, but if he does not feel that way I wouldn't know because he never talks to me about it. I am afraid to assume that saying nothing means everything is okay because I have found out the hard way that is not the case, yet I don't know how to bring it up to him. I suppose that is what I am asking. HOW do I start that conversation? When I have tried in the past I get either no response, or he tells me that he doesn't even think about it, or he tells me everything is okay. But then something like the example I mentioned happens and I feel confused.
> 
> We talk about our kids, work, family, ideas on what we want to do to our house, bills, debt. I talk to my girlfriends about the same things I am asking all you strangers about.


Has there been any past history that would make him feel like you do not value his opinion? Things that were actions not words? I am just trying to brain storm as to why he seems to think sharing his opinion with you doesn't matter.

"Learn the hard way" - that isn't being a supportive spouse. Maybe he has always been this checked out? I don't know.

I know men often aren't as adpt to talking about their feelings etc - but you can certainly try to open the dialogue. 

Here is what I envision - tell him how all of this makes you feel. Tell him how you interpret his actions.

When he said "some times you have to learn the hard way" I would have pressed on this. I would have asked him why did he want me to see me fail? If he says that's not what he wants.... Then a harder press on why then did he not share his opinion? Does he think I won't listen? Does he think I need to be punished and lose money? WHY was this the response he choose? And honestly, he may not know - it may need some introspection.

If he said he didn't think I would listen to it anyway - I would tell him how it hurts to hear that, because I deeply value his opinion, and as my husband, I want him to know I respect and value him. I would ask what have I done to make him feel.this way.

Basically ya'll got to dig deeper. WHY? I have a feeling he has perceived some of your actions in a way you didn't realize he did.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

I shouldnthave said:


> If he said he didn't think I would listen to it anyway - I would tell him how it hurts to hear that, because I deeply value his opinion, and as my husband, I want him to know I respect and value him. I would ask what have I done to make him feel.this way.


I think it's also very important that you two have a discussion on "exactly what does respect, and value mean? " I think you may find that his idea and your idea of that doesn't match.



I shouldnthave said:


> I have a feeling he has perceived some of your actions in a way you didn't realize he did.


:iagree:


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

SddthB2006 said:


> So today when we determined we were not going to make money, I was telling my husband about the outcome, and his response was "I could have told you that in the very beginning" so I said, Well why didn't you? I asked you more than once for your opinion...and his response was "Some lessons have to be learned the hard way" and "What would you have done had I said don't do it? Really...." and "Plus I didn't wanna come in all negative Nancy and shoot down everything in front of your friends. Which I could have done in less than five minutes."


What a crock of horse****. He didn't know *crap* when you asked his opinion back when you started, and didn't GIVE enough of a crap to spend any time researching what you were doing and THAT'S why you got his flip answer and shrug of the shoulders back then.

Then when you told him your venture wasn't going to earn any money, he *suddenly* becomes a top notch financial advisor who _knew all along_ that you were going to fail "but you had to learn this lesson the hard way." LOL. Yeah, sure he knew. He sounds like SUCH an idiot. Does this fool actually listen to himself when he talks? 

Soooo, rather than seek professional help (marriage counseling maybe?) to see if he can address some of his character flaws that are clearly damaging your marriage, you're instead looking for ways to *lower your expectations *and just settle for so little?

Why?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

SddthB2006 said:


> So today when we determined we were not going to make money, I was telling my husband about the outcome, and his response was "I could have told you that in the very beginning" so I said, Well why didn't you? I asked you more than once for your opinion...and *his response was "Some lessons have to be learned the hard way*" and "What would you have done had I said don't do it? Really...." and "Plus I didn't wanna come in all negative Nancy and shoot down everything in front of your friends. Which I could have done in less than five minutes."


He is still hurt, still bitter regarding your past. 

Past dealings.
Past reactions.
Past, still present ways that you react to life. Respond to others, to him.

He is no longer going to hold your hand and be your guide. 

He does not trust you.
He knows how you respond to suggestions. 

It is easier for him to let you fall, than to try to quide you.
Likely, when he offered suggestions and help in the past you burned him or scoffed at his ideas.
Yes, he has gotten to the point of letting you go off on your own, let you fall.

Since.........
Since, in HIS mind, you know it all.

He is not all yours. Part of him has disconnected from you. 

The scar tissue from past marital dealings has knit, healed badly.
Left thick skin, he lost feeling...for you.

I think he is biding his time.
Just bumbling along...aimlessly to a point.

He may have a plan to leave you when the children are grown.
Or he may just be numb and indifferent.

The love is gone....

Or most of it.







The Host-


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> What a crock of horse****. He didn't know *crap* when you asked his opinion back when you started, and didn't GIVE enough of a crap to spend any time researching what you were doing and THAT'S why you got his flip answer and shrug of the shoulders back then.
> 
> Then when you told him your venture wasn't going to earn any money, he *suddenly* becomes a top notch financial advisor who _knew all along_ that you were going to fail "but you had to learn this lesson the hard way." LOL. Yeah, sure he knew. He sounds like SUCH an idiot. Does this fool actually listen to himself when he talks?
> 
> ...


This may be the case. 

Conversely, have you ever asked your husband's opinion about something like this in the past, then he told you some variation of "no" or "not a good idea", then you either went ahead and did it anyway or decided not to do it but resented him for saying "no"?

Look...he has questionable character. I suspect he is passive aggressive. That is why I question how you have reacted to him in the past.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

The answer to your rows, your fights is as FSJ stated. 
He is passive aggressive. 

Does he have questionable character?
Yes, he certainly does. 
Mocking your' failure makes him weak tea. Bilge water.

And as SSGI said, he is no help. He might be a ****, dunno.

As I mentioned earlier, he has given up.
You may have beaten him down, so often, he will not be part of your success, nor your failure.
He has disconnected.

Does he have much to offer?
Does the amount he 'could' give; is it worth squat? Dunno.

I do know he does not have your' back.
Did you ever have his? Dunno.




TH-


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