# Thoughts of affair consistent



## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

I am married, all be it not completely happilly. I am not very physically attracted to my wife and often have thoughts about being able to be physical with someone else. 
I have not actually had the opportunity to have an affair, but I think if the opportunity came up with some physically attractive enough, I would have a very hard time saying no. I don't think i would say no. 

It's not just about sex either. We have sex. My wife wants it a lot more often than I do. The problem is that I want it often as well, just not often with her. So my drive with her is low compared to my drive overall. This is also not a recent occurance, this has been going on for most of the marriage. 

I don't like thinking this way, I feel bad that I do, but I can't help it, I just want to be physically and emotionally as well with some better looking.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Why did you marry this poor woman, then?


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Why do you say this poor woman? I have not done anything wrong at this point. I treat her well and she is quite happy being married to me.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

sisters359 said:


> Why did you marry this poor woman, then?


Maybe she became significantly less attractive during the marriage.

Is it really so hard for you to think at all with an open mind when a man shares his feelings on this board, or do you just decide they are in the wrong on principle?


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

She has gained some weight during the marriage. I will also say, I did not marry her for looks. There were other reasons I chose to marry her. 
I think putting looks at the top of reasons to marry someone is not a wise choice, but I do wish at this point I had made it a higher priority.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Atholk said:


> Maybe she became significantly less attractive during the marriage.
> 
> Is it really so hard for you to think at all with an open mind when a man shares his feelings on this board, or do you just decide they are in the wrong on principle?


Male = wrong.

This is a place to judge and spew venom at stand-ins for those that have done you wrong.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Conrad said:


> Male = wrong.
> 
> This is a place to judge and spew venom at stand-ins for those that have done you wrong.



Aye to that.

For whatever reason or reasons it's "tolerated" and so it's become habitual for some to constantly trash men.

I happen to think it keeps other women from expressing themselves and opening up here.


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## lbell629 (May 10, 2010)

What makes you think your wife is happy with the marriage? Honestly, it sounds like at least you could go to counseling. It's great that you haven't done anything yet and you recognize the potential for doing something that would hurt your wife. Go to marriage counseling and see if you two can get to the bottom of things that you both think are wrong in your relationship and learn how to reconnect so that you are attracted to your wife again. If you don't want to go to counseling, books you can read are: Safe Haven Marriage and How to Improve Your Marriage without Talking About It.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

You said to be attracted to my wife again. I never really was attracted to her physically. 
I also know that my wife is happy because she is vocal about this fact. She is very honest and open with her feelings and emotions and she makes it quite clear how much she loves me, is happy being married to me. Of course there are things she wishes were better at times (sex life being one of them), but she is happy. I don't think she would see our marriage as one in need of counseling. If I shared these feelings with her, then probably yes, but I do not want to do that.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

gbrad said:


> You said to be attracted to my wife again. I never really was attracted to her physically.
> I also know that my wife is happy because she is vocal about this fact. She is very honest and open with her feelings and emotions and she makes it quite clear how much she loves me, is happy being married to me. Of course there are things she wishes were better at times (sex life being one of them), but she is happy. I don't think she would see our marriage as one in need of counseling. If I shared these feelings with her, then probably yes, but I do not want to do that.



Gbrad, why are you with your wife?


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

There are many reasons that I am with my wife, is it really necessary to list them all. 
The issue here is that physical attraction is not one of them, and the more the marriage goes on, the more prevelant in my mind it gets. I guess it is also a more prevelant issue when there are other issues with my wife. I feel at times that if she were to be making up for it in other areas I would not concentrate so much on the looks. The more other negatives pop up, everything just gets intensified.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

gbrad said:


> I don't think she would see our marriage as one in need of counseling. If I shared these feelings with her, then probably yes, but I do not want to do that.


 I don't think any type of counseling can make one "physically" attracted to another. This just IS or isn't there. Was it there "enough" in the beginning ? All these years, have you been faking your desire to her, surely she must FEEL you are slipping away and not into her. 

If she lost enough weight -will it then be "Doable" - reign in your lustful thoughts towards other women ? Or you know this IS utterly hopeless.


I noticed you really didn't ask any questions in your original post , so I assume this is a "getting your feelings off you chest" type of confession. 

You say you do not want to share these feelings with her. I think you must unless you chooose to be miserable and /or a cheater down the road. Doesn't it come down to this? Why not divorce, free yourself and her .


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I don't think any type of counseling can make one "physically" attracted to another. This just IS or isn't there. Was it there "enough" in the beginning ? All these years, have you been faking your desire to her, surely she must FEEL you are slipping away and not into her.
> 
> If she lost enough weight -will it then be "Doable" - reign in your lustful thoughts towards other women ? Or you know this IS utterly hopeless.
> 
> ...


No, it was not there enough in the beginning. When we first got married I quite often had to picture other women while having sex (the sex was quite often that first year as it often is). With having sex every other day (on average) it made the desire to have sex with her very slim. When we have sex less often it is easier to have a desire, but still have to work up to it at times because of the lack of attraction. 
Yes if she lost weight it would help in the attraction area. I don't know how much weight would be needed for that to happen, but it would help. The problem there is that she does not try to lose weight, she does not make a real effort in that at all. 
It was partly a get it off my chest post and partly looking for a response. I wasn't sure what question to ask, more looking for reaction/response. A sounding board since I can't talk to my wife about this. 
Divorce is also not an option at this point. Neither of us are in a place where we could handle that well right now.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Conrad said:


> Male = wrong.
> 
> This is a place to judge and spew venom at stand-ins for those that have done you wrong.


:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

I have the same feeling here!


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

gbrad said:


> I am married, all be it not completely happilly. I am not very physically attracted to my wife and often have thoughts about being able to be physical with someone else.
> I have not actually had the opportunity to have an affair, but *I think if the opportunity came up with some physically attractive enough, I would have a very hard time saying no. I don't think i would say no.* It's not just about sex either. We have sex. My wife wants it a lot more often than I do. *The problem is that I want it often as well, just not often with her*. So my drive with her is low compared to my drive overall. This is also not a recent occurance, this has been going on for most of the marriage.
> 
> I don't like thinking this way, I feel bad that I do, but I can't help it, I just want to be physically and emotionally as well with some better looking.


You're dam honest! :smthumbup:

How do you think about an open marriage?


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> You're dam honest! :smthumbup:
> 
> How do you think about an open marriage?


No, I don't really want an open marriage. And my wife would not want that either. Yah, I am honest here, not with my wife about any of this.


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

" guess it is also a more prevelant issue when there are other issues with my wife. I feel at times that if she were to be making up for it in other areas I would not concentrate so much on the looks. The more other negatives pop up, everything just gets intensified."

What are the other negatives? Please do at one point say why exactly you married your wife. Thinking of other women while having sex with your wife at the start of your relationship isn't a great thing because most people are so in lust with their partners at that time, that they don't even bother (generally). 

Make up your mind on how much you really want to stay married with this person...whether slimmer or not. I'd even go ahead, be honest, tell her that sex is less often because you aren't really attracted to her and she should work on that. Yes, it sounds mean, but maybe she's willing to put up the effort to improve herself and you both get more of what you want?


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Nekko said:


> " guess it is also a more prevelant issue when there are other issues with my wife. I feel at times that if she were to be making up for it in other areas I would not concentrate so much on the looks. The more other negatives pop up, everything just gets intensified."
> 
> What are the other negatives? Please do at one point say why exactly you married your wife. Thinking of other women while having sex with your wife at the start of your relationship isn't a great thing because most people are so in lust with their partners at that time, that they don't even bother (generally).
> 
> Make up your mind on how much you really want to stay married with this person...whether slimmer or not. I'd even go ahead, be honest, tell her that sex is less often because you aren't really attracted to her and she should work on that. Yes, it sounds mean, but maybe she's willing to put up the effort to improve herself and you both get more of what you want?


I married her because I felt I needed to get married, she was the person I was dating at the time. I considered a very good friend. I thought I could make it work. I thought I could get past the attraction issue. I even remember asking myself before we ever started dating; if she were to lose weight, could I be attracted to her?
I love her as a person, that there is no doubt about. But being in love, in lust, no. 

I don't see being able to be that blunt and honest with her. The idea of telling her that I am not attracted to her, I just think that would hurt her emotionally too much. I know her and that would just tear her confidence down too much and she does not respond well to that.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I wrote about it on this thread here:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/19842-wrong.html

You might like to have a read


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

gbrad said:


> I don't see being able to be that blunt and honest with her. The idea of telling her that I am not attracted to her, I just think that would hurt her emotionally too much. I know her and that would just tear her confidence down too much and she does not respond well to that.


Maybe that's not the best way but something has got to change for you. You're neglecting your sex drive and the more you do that, the more powerful it will be until you'll discover it controls you rather than the other way around. 

I'm not pointing fingers at you, merely saying that an affair would tear your wife's confidence down more than honesty. In the end it's all about tactics. Honesty doesn't work? Try to trick her into understanding somehow. Maybe going to work out yourself and saying that you're all of a sudden very interested in looking the best you can because you like the idea of being good looking? Could that work?


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

IMO, You need to let her know your feelings and allow her to be with someone who loves her physically and emotionally. There's no point in either of you continuing to live this lie and really you seem to have brought this on yourself. Now you need to "Man up" as they say around here and resolve the issue.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

gbrad said:


> You said to be attracted to my wife again. I never really was attracted to her physically.


In that case Sisters is right lol.

If you marry someone you don't want to have sex with in the first place you're screwing the other person over because ultimately you'll just start hating sex with them. End result cheating or divorce.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Atholk said:


> In that case Sisters is right lol.
> 
> If you marry someone you don't want to have sex with in the first place you're screwing the other person over because ultimately you'll just start hating sex with them. End result cheating or divorce.


I can testify that you are correct.

It's one of the best reasons to not "save it until marriage" because you won't know any better.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Conrad said:


> I can testify that you are correct.
> 
> It's one of the best reasons to not "save it until marriage" because you won't know any better.


Well you usually have a pretty good idea whether or not you want to have sex with someone before you married them.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Atholk said:


> Well you usually have a pretty good idea whether or not you want to have sex with someone before you married them.


Atholk,

If you haven't had sex with anyone, the bar can be "lower than it should be".


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Slightly drifting the thread...

Sex gets better over time. Looking back our early sex was pretty much the worst in our marriage in terms of technique and knowing what each other likes. But we always had a strong desire for each other that was clear before we married.

Both men and women, but especially women, that have a lot of sexual partners don't bond to their partners terribly well. So if they did the try out thing more than a few times before me they don't have much interest to me as a marriage partner anyway. The women with just 5 lifetime sexual partners have about the same divorce and marital happiness rates as those with 20+ partners.

The drop off in marital happiness and rise in divorce chances is quite significant as women go from 1 to 5 lifetime sex partners.

There are to be sure cases where some basic incompatibility is discovered after marriage. I wouldn't advise waiting all the way until the wedding to at least explore some of sex together. But I wouldn't advise a woman to put out before she had a proper offer of marriage together either.

But then I feel like an old fuddy duddy sometimes advising that.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

>>The women with just 5 lifetime sexual partners have about the same divorce and marital happiness rates as those with 20+ partners<<

Damn - that's a telling statistic.

I guess my only saving grace is that the author of this thread is a male.

I'd be quite content to advise men "try before you buy" but advising women to be a bit more particular.

But, some members of the "Men's Clubhouse" would view that as a double-standard (rather than something in the best interests of women).


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

I don't know of studies done on men having higher sexual partner counts leading to reduced marital outcomes, but it's quite possibly a link there.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Hmm, yah, I think this thread did get somewhat off track. What was the point of it again?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

gbrad said:


> No, I don't really want an open marriage. And my wife would not want that either. Yah, I am honest here, not with my wife about any of this.


That's the place to start.

If you're too cowardly to be honest with her, do her a favor and cut her loose.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

So I am cowardly because I don't want to talk to my wife about something that will hurt her feelings. Really?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

gbrad said:


> So I am cowardly because I don't want to talk to my wife about something that will hurt her feelings. Really?


In a word, yes.

You are the worst kind of coward.

Think of how much your "protection" of her will eventually hurt her. You're treating her condescendingly - like a child who is unable to deal with life.


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## amigo1 (Dec 11, 2010)

Cant you atleast talk to her about loosing some weight? Is there anything else she could do to be more attractice? Maybe you could drop some hints to her.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

She is happy. My "protection" as you say, has her happy in life. Happiness is a good thing. 

I am the one still searching for that piece of happiness.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

amigo1 said:


> Cant you atleast talk to her about loosing some weight? Is there anything else she could do to be more attractice? Maybe you could drop some hints to her.


I do try and drop hints. The thing with people who need to lose weight, they have to be motivated beacuse they want to do it. Can't make them or it wont be effective.


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## amigo1 (Dec 11, 2010)

gbrad said:


> I do try and drop hints. The thing with people who need to lose weight, they have to be motivated beacuse they want to do it. Can't make them or it wont be effective.


Maybe your not dropping the right type of hints or if shes that bad, like 200+ pounds or more, I would say she needs some help and would have a serious talk with her about your concerns for her health sake.


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

Hints can be easily missed. She might be happy right now (!), but for the simply fact that you aren't happy, she'll eventually sense that and problems will occur. 

The best motivator for a woman to loose weight, in my opinion, is to fear that she's going to loose her man. Obviously, it's hard to just tell her that. So i don't know what to suggest.


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## priyaviv45 (Dec 28, 2010)

I think you need to make your wife look attractive....ask her to wear some sexy lingerie so that she would be able to attract you more and if she is not slim then you can also give her advice to join gym so that she looks more attractive to you...So in whole you dont need any counselling...Its all you have to make your own wife only attractive....


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## chefmaster (Oct 30, 2010)

gbrad said:


> I do try and drop hints. The thing with people who need to lose weight, they have to be motivated beacuse they want to do it. Can't make them or it wont be effective.


That's not always true, she could lose 20 or 30lbs just to make you happy. And who knows she might just get the motivation if she knew it bothered you.

Try not to drop hints that she needs to lose weight though, it's too much like pointing a finger. Just begin doing stretches on a day when you are both home and have nothing to do and say to her "Come do these with me, our health sucks."

Bend and touch the floor, reach for the sky, spin your upper bodies back and forth at the hips, 5 minutes/3 times a week to start. Obviously I don't know your guys' health situation or weight or BMI or anything(*Please consult your physician before beginning any exercise routine ) if you can do 6, 8 or 10 minutes, even better.

But if you start doing them with the intention in mind of you guys' bettering yourselves you may have a good chance of getting things started without worrying too much about how to wade into the topic of weight loss with her.


I've never met a woman that I didn't find something attractive about, watch her closely and try to *concentrate on specifics* when you have foreplay and make love. Smooth thighs, beautiful cleavage, awesome lips, sexy calves, sultry eyes, and the list goes on.
Her reaction to the touch of your lips on sensitive places like the small of the back, the ears/neck, thighs, other places , can be a huge turn on for a guy too.

A couple of things to keep in mind when you go shopping, white bread pretty much turns into sugar while it's still in your mouth, any other type bread is healthier for you and actually fills you up. Natural sugars, such as you will find in the produce section, are better for you than processed sugars.

Check out WebMD's 17 Best Foods for Dieters


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

gbrad said:


> There are many reasons that I am with my wife, is it really necessary to list them all.
> The issue here is that physical attraction is not one of them, and the more the marriage goes on, the more prevelant in my mind it gets. I guess it is also a more prevelant issue when there are other issues with my wife. I feel at times that if she were to be making up for it in other areas I would not concentrate so much on the looks. The more other negatives pop up, everything just gets intensified.


Actually this quote here is KEY, and you are right on the money, gbrad. Just so you know, different people have different emotional needs, and although we have a theory that is really similar in this instance I'm going to refer you to the Emotional Needs Questionnaire over at Marriagebuilders. To make a long story short, think of love like a fire. Every person has things that add kindling to the fire and make the flame blaze, and in MB terms those things are Emotional Needs. Likewise every person has things that put out the fire and extinguish the flame of love, and in MB terms those things are Lovebusters. Well, one of the Emotional Needs that Dr. Harley has identified for men is Physical Attraction. 

Often women hear of this Emotional Need and think: "How shallow! He's supposed to love me for ME--my personality and who I am inside!" but in real life this Emotional Need is just as legitimate and common as the female equivalent of "Financial Support". Some women just do feel more loved and secure when they are provided for financially and men often think: "She only loves me for my money!" In real life both of these needs are similar--this is just what a person needs in order to build love!

gbrad, it sounds to me like if you rated needs from 1 to 10, 1 being low and 10 being high...that when you married your wife you didn't think "TEN!!" for Physical Attraction but maybe 7+/- and plus there were some other needs she met like a TEN!! that helped balance it all out. Now over the years, some of those needs that balanced it out have waned, and when you look at Physical Attraction even that is just 7 and maybe lower. This doesn't mean you don't love her for who she is or appreciate the woman she is "inside"--it just means that for you, one way she expresses love to you and adds kindling to the fire is by being ATTRACTIVE. Now the weight I have no doubt is part of it, but if she started today--at her current weight--and did her hair, wore some makeup, put on a spritz of perfume, and wore outfits that followed her curves and showed some cleavage (as an example) it would be a step in the right direction, huh? Then maybe you two could go workout together and have it be something that's a recreation you do together--like play tennis as a team! Even if she's horrible at it, you do it together and it's funny and she builds up a muscle or two, right? So not only might she be losing a little weight, but more needs are being met: spending time with you having fun (in MB terms that's Recreational Companionship). Then even if she got back to 7 in attractiveness, she'd also be doing those things again that she did to "make up the balance" and it would kindle love hotter and hotter for you. 

Sooo...I suggest printing TWO of those Emotional Need Questionnaires: one for YOU to fill out about her, and one for HER to fill out about you. Be honest (can't fix things if you're not honest). And then just swap papers and set aside a night to talk about them. The fact is, I bet in some ways you've stopped some of the actions that kindle her fire too--and partly because you aren't as attracted. So be brave and share this, and give BOTH OF YOU the chance to fix this marriage before either one of you has an affair.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

gbrad, it's a no-win situation when it comes to a woman's weight. If you keep hinting that she should lose weight, she maybe will tell one of her GFs "He thinks I'm too fat!", and you will be running a very close second to Hitler in the Most Hated Man category. Then her GFs and family will be trying to convince her to leave you, because you are too shallow and won't accept her as she is.
And then you could have a divorce or even an eating disorder on your hands.
But, by the same token, she may not be feeling too good about her appearance, either, and considers herself very lucky to have you. But, if she starts to lose weight and dress a little sexier, then other guys will inevitably start hitting on her, and she will start to get a new perspective of herself, and a new outlook on life. Now, that is a good thing, but ther is the danger that with this new-found confidence, she may start thinking:"Wow, guys are hitting on me all the time now, and I really AM good looking after all, so why am I staying married to this toad that I had to "settle" for?"

Then the fun really starts!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

gbrad said:


> I do try and drop hints. The thing with people who need to lose weight, they have to be motivated beacuse they want to do it. Can't make them or it wont be effective.


Dropping hints is chicken****.


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## moonangel (Jan 19, 2011)

You said you can't afford to divorce.

So, if you cheat on her and she finds out, do you think she won't divorce your a.ss? 

You're a very selfish [you-know-what]. Living a lie.


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## sailorgirl (Jun 9, 2010)

gbrad said:


> She is happy. My "protection" as you say, has her happy in life. Happiness is a good thing.
> 
> I am the one still searching for that piece of happiness.


In the end, if things do not change, your protection of her will turn into a cage. She will hate you for it. 

I speak as a wife of someone in a similar situation. It's not that my husband isn't so much as not attracted to me as he isn't attracted to any one. Male or female.

He has no desire for sex. At first it was something he tried to hide, as you are hiding. But eventually it will come out. I'm sure my husband was trying to "protect me" as you are trying, as well as protecting the marriage, but it hasn't worked. And now 14 years latter I wish he had let me go early in the relationship instead of trying to hold on. It would have been painful, but in the end it would have been for the best. 

In some ways because he was trying to protect us, all he has done has been to eventually force me to make the decision to divorce. In someways I see his desire to "protect" as taking the cowards way out because it has taken the responsibility for making unpleasant decisions off of his shoulders and put it squarely on mine.


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## John Galt (Feb 18, 2011)

Hi.

I'd like to chime in as a man facing a similar situation.

I've been with the same woman for 10 years. I have never felt much of a physical attraction to her, but I married her because we were best friends. And though my sexual desire for her was and has always been lower than hers for me, we have always had frequent, good sex. 

My wife was about 40 pounds heavier when we met, and now she is a fitness instructor with a toned, athletic body. It hasn't changed my desire for her at all.

I believe that no matter what your wife looks like now, weight-loss isn't going to make you "red hot" for her. I think that you're just not going to feel a strong physical attraction to her.

An affair is always going to be extremely tempting for you and I think that time is only going to make your situation worse. You will consider an affair more and more because you will feel like you're missing out on an important part of a good marriage. 

I think that feeling this temptation is normal, feeling guilty for it is normal, and having to work hard to maintain a marriage is normal.
There are other men in your situation. You are not a bad man for marrying someone to whom you are not physically attracted. 

Don't women often say that physical attraction is not necessarily a top priority to them when considering a relationship with a man?
Why should you feel bad about trying to find something more meaningful in your marriage than physical appearance? And now that you know the struggle this choice has caused you, why shouldn't you be searching for some kind of help? 

My suggestion is to continue to search. Talk to anyone you can trust about your feelings. Ask questions here and anywhere you can. Perhaps just speaking to other men who feel as you do will help you to feel more secure about your ability to resist an affair.

Here's one more point to consider:

Maybe you made a mistake by getting married. Maybe you didn't. But everyone screws up from time to time. Sometimes those screw ups cost millions of dollars, and sometimes they cost lives. In the grand scheme of things, how much will your mistake cost?


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## Ooogles (Feb 19, 2011)

Men always should be sexually attracted to the women they marry. To do otherwise is setting up the marriage for failure, or at the very least chronic dissatisfaction.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

The OP hasn't posted in nearly 2 months, so he may not even be around anymore, folks.


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