# New to EA



## Want2Understand (Feb 21, 2017)

I had no idea there was something called an Emotional affair until 2 weeks ago. My husband of 36 years was sick with the flu. His phone kept ringing. He didn't answer it so I got up and answered it. It was from "Squirt" and no one talked. I memorized the number and looked it up the next day. It was from a woman at his work. Next step was to look at the cell phone records. These two had been talking and texting for 2 years! They ran a race together in August and I didn't think anything of it because he was not happy she was running. Apparently it was unexpected. He swears that it is all just a platonic relationship. They talk on his morning drive to work, on the evening drive home, on trips he takes, and even on vacation time we took together. He just wanted to tell her how fun zip-lining was. They have talked as little as a few minutes and up to two hours. They have talked right under my nose. They text constantly per day. I text her and she said he loves me very much. THAT does not help matters! It just means to me that they have talked about me! I can't take this. I feel so betrayed. I guess what I am needing from any of you is thoughts and opinions. 2 years! He says yeah, but where was I throughout that time. I said...on the phone! He says it isn't anything b/c he has always been with me. But, he hasn't. I've been alone. He has been on the phone.

Opinions?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

He's lying.

This is an affair, and it ain't "just" an EA.

Here's the rule, and it might as well be carved in stone:

EA + physical proximity to EA partner = _physical_ affair


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Want2Understand said:


> He says it isn't anything b/c he has always been with me. But, he hasn't. I've been alone. He has been on the phone.


Ah the strong disinfectant of clarity. This hits like a cold splash of water to the face. This statement is truth about an EA.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Want2Understand said:


> They talk on his morning drive to work, on the evening drive home, on trips he takes, and even on vacation time we took together. He just wanted to tell her how fun zip-lining was. They have talked as little as a few minutes and up to two hours. They have talked right under my nose. They text constantly per day. I text her and she said he loves me very much.


This is an emotional affair. He is emotionally invested, even under the guise of a "platonic" friendship, in another woman. She is not a friend to the "marriage" she is a friend to him. Even if every word could of been put in a Disney movie, the that fact you were purposely EXCLUDED from this correspondence makes it cheating.

How he responds next will determine what you need to do. First you need to tell him to end the friendship and WATCH HIM send a no contact letter to her. If he complies then the marriage is worth saving. If he breaks no contact, DIVORCE. If he refuses to send the letter or stop, DIVORCE.

Ultimatum time, it's you or her. I haven't read anything that tells me this relationship is unredeemable yet BUT he has to FIGHT for you. Otherwise, YOU WALK. I pray he just got caught up in the excitement of "female attention" and your exposure will quickly bring him to his senses. You HAVE to mean business though. Don't waffle on this.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Yep, all those hours of texting, calling, and chatting in person is time not spent with you, as it should be. 

He is not only cheating, he is cheating you out of the love and attention he promised to you in marriage.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

There are a lot of different reasons people have EAs. I think its important to understand the motivation. This has nothing to do with right or wrong, but can help you think about what you want to do. 

From the texts what seems to be tempting him?


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## Want2Understand (Feb 21, 2017)

Fortunately, he has cut all contact with her. She apologized to me as well. He continually apologizes and wants to make it up to me. However, it hurts. He wants to go to counseling. We will. I just feel so cheated out of 2 years.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

An emotional affair with a female who her works with? 

That is not good.

He needs to go no contact with her and he either needs to change departments or, ideally, change jobs.

This was NOT a platonic relationship. Because it was a secret relationship.

It might even have been physical. 

You cannot play Russian roulette with your health or your life so you must, as a matter of urgency, get tested for STDs/HIV.

And have him take a polygraph test.


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## Want2Understand (Feb 21, 2017)

Thanks for everyone's replies. I never thought I would have to deal with something like this and for no real reason. I definitely feel betrayed and lost. We have been married for 35 1/2 years! I am confused, sad, angry, hurt, depressed. It is the craziest thing. And, I have not really seen this as a huge problem until just recently...anywhere. It is just like it came out of the blue or with technology. Well, where there is technology, there is a trail. It is going to be a long road to recover.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Just want to add this real quick --

For as long as he works w/ her, he'll never cut all contact w/ her. And, until he cuts contact w/ her, the affair is still on.

Any hope of reconciliation has to be tied to him leaving his job.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

OP,

The fact that they work together and the length of this affair (2 years!) says to me this is a PA (physical affair). This would be very rare indeed if this was a 2 year long EA only. I would demand a polygraph test from him, if for no other reason than to see if you get a "parking lot confession".

Since they already know you know, snooping at this point will be difficult. 

Do you have access to all of most of the text messages ? Does your WH have any social media accounts you can check, like facebook ?

Can you check his phone for apps like Whatsapp that allowing texting that does not show on a phone bill ?


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Any hope of reconciliation has to be tied to him leaving his job.


Agreed, however that might be tough. If they've been married 35 years then he's in his mid to late 50s at best or well into his 60s....

No one is going to hire him at that age. OP is early retirement an option? Ideally, he does need to quit that job for your marriage.


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## Want2Understand (Feb 21, 2017)

uhtred said:


> There are a lot of different reasons people have EAs. I think its important to understand the motivation. This has nothing to do with right or wrong, but can help you think about what you want to do.
> 
> From the texts what seems to be tempting him?


I haven't read any of his texts, of course. He deletes all of his messages right away. To be fair, he has always done that. I would love to see those texts just to know for sure that there was "nothing" going on. But, where there is smoke... Still, just to have 100% proof would make me feel so much better.


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## Want2Understand (Feb 21, 2017)

barbados said:


> OP,
> 
> The fact that they work together and the length of this affair (2 years!) says to me this is a PA (physical affair). This would be very rare indeed if this was a 2 year long EA only. I would demand a polygraph test from him, if for no other reason than to see if you get a "parking lot confession".
> 
> ...


He doesn't have any social media. I have no access to any of the text messages because he deleted them immediately. He does that to all of his messages and e-mails. E-mails I can get back. I don't know how to get text messages back. I've checked out the Cloud on his phone for any pictures but he doesn't have them synced because it took too much energy. They are from now on. 

Not worried about work. They don't really work together. He is in a different area than she is. She also has a fiancé. I don't know if it somehow fizzled out before it became physical. Seems that way. But, the talking continued. She reports she was in a "dark" place and he talked her through it.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Want2Understand said:


> Fortunately, he has cut all contact with her. She apologized to me as well. He continually apologizes and wants to make it up to me. However, it hurts. He wants to go to counseling. We will. I just feel so cheated out of 2 years.


Sorry you find yourself here.  Beware that his idea of ''counseling'' isn't blaming the EA on you, somehow. ((hugs))


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## stewart66 (Jan 30, 2017)

Definitely EA. How you proceed from here is up to you and what you deem an acceptable line for your H to cross before you walk. If the EA is not a deal breaker for you then I would recommend waiting it out and digging a little more to see if PA has happened. Look into it more but be careful because snooping has legal ramifications. If you uncover PA, get him to confess first. Nothing bad can come from a confession. Above all, if you decide to wait it out, gather your evidence but do not show all your cards at first. I made that mistake. Showing your cards too early gives them power and the opportunity to scamper and regroup to take the affair more underground and continue cake eating. 

If any sort of PA has happened here is my advice: Be ready to walk. Boot him to the curb and don't be nice about it. I know this is easier said than done but if you're nice about it and don't give him the impression that he is about to lose you permanently than you have no chance in hell to go through a successful R. A successful R requires total remorse from the cheater and 100% dedication to righting their wrongs. THEY need to do most of the work. This is very difficult with an EA/PA because they're not sure about their commitment to you in the first place. 

Realize that right now you are a doormat, a fallback, a second choice. He is exploring the option of moving on to somebody else but he's not yet sure if he wants to walk away from you. Trust me when I say you do not want to be in this position, it is degrading and it will utterly destroy you. Empower yourself now, disconnect and get comfortable with the idea that you may D, do things for yourself, make yourself feel good, go to the gym and get in shape, get in touch with friends, activities, or goals that you may have put aside because of your marriage. Get comfortable with the idea of being alone. Go out with friends and have a good time. Remember that a powerful, independent partner is much more attractive than a needy, pathetic one.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

The nickname alone ("Squirt"...seriously?) is suspect...


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## Want2Understand (Feb 21, 2017)

I actually feel empowered. I'm still figuring out the text message angle. I don't plan on giving up after these many years...we dated 5 years before we married. I'm fit, in my 50's, and fun! Retirement was right around the corner for us. I know my H does not want to lose all this. It may be too bad. I'm not losing a thing. He will be losing everything. If a PA occurred, it's over. If it's an EA only, there's a long road ahead and it still may be over. Only time and text messages will tell.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

There are text recovery programs you can buy like Dr. fone that will recover some of the deleted texts. Google text recovery software. Maybe someone here with more experience using it can give you better advice.


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## Want2Understand (Feb 21, 2017)

Rubix Cubed said:


> There are text recovery programs you can buy like Dr. fone that will recover some of the deleted texts. Google text recovery software. Maybe someone here with more experience using it can give you better advice.


Thank you! I will definitely keep trying what I can!


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## lostmyreligion (Oct 18, 2013)

I had an emotional affair for 3-3 1/2 years at the start of my marriage. It was a little different from your situation in that the OW lived 8 hrs away but other than that, I was doing what your husband says he's been doing. Except I pretty much ground my wife's face in it. It was before texting and I would literally spend hours on the phone with my old 'friend' from high school probably 3-4 times a week. Sometimes it was in front of my wife, but mostly I would get up and leave the room because her and the babies were making it too difficult to talk. 

That I'd never heard of an EA and that all of our conversations were blandly inane were no excuses. It only means I was too stupid to realize what an utter a$$wipe I was being making my wife watch me give so much time and effort that belonged to her and my children, instead to a single, beautiful woman. 

She had to ask me to imagine how I'd feel if our roles were reversed before I figured it out and went NC immediately. 

The thing is though, if my 'friend' had lived in closer proximity, I'd have been tapping that.

Your husband has been and is in close proximity to his 'friend'.


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## MancMan (May 5, 2016)

EA's with a coworker are the worst. Been there and came through as I believe I stopped it before it went too far.

Take control and do it how YOU want to.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Want2Understand said:


> He doesn't have any social media. I have no access to any of the text messages because he deleted them immediately. He does that to all of his messages and e-mails. E-mails I can get back. I don't know how to get text messages back. I've checked out the Cloud on his phone for any pictures but he doesn't have them synced because it took too much energy. They are from now on.
> 
> Not worried about work. They don't really work together. He is in a different area than she is. She also has a fiancé. I don't know if it somehow fizzled out before it became physical. Seems that way. But, the talking continued. She reports she was in a "dark" place and he talked her through it.


And you believe him?!

He's lied to you for two years, at least. Do not believe his explanation without verification. His contrition could only involve the fact that he was caught. 

And you felt betrayed because you were. Know how much you will tolerate and prepare for the A to go dark. It is common to claim No Contact with an AP, when in fact, the couple becomes more creative.
I'm sorry you are here. It is not a pleasant road (by that I mean being betrayed, not TAM)


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Want2Understand said:


> I actually feel empowered. I'm still figuring out the text message angle. I don't plan on giving up after these many years...we dated 5 years before we married. I'm fit, in my 50's, and fun! Retirement was right around the corner for us. I know my H does not want to lose all this. It may be too bad. I'm not losing a thing. He will be losing everything. *If a PA occurred, it's over.* If it's an EA only, there's a long road ahead and it still may be over. Only time and text messages will tell.


W2U

Brace yourself... 2 years, close proximity, 1000s of conversations... highly probable this EA turned physical. 

Hard part, without the discovery of some "smoking gun" you will be left to wonder and that will in time eat at you. Don't believe your WH won't lie to you. He has shown you first hand what he is capable of. 

Remember the one universal Truth regarding affairs... _There's always more._


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## Want2Understand (Feb 21, 2017)

"Remember the one universal Truth regarding affairs... There's always more. "

Yes...this hits hard. There is always more. I told my husband that the only way I can move forward at this point is to see the deleted text messages. I asked him point blank if he would allow me to take his phone and recover the messages I could using an app. He said no problem. You can do that. I was trying to detect any hesitation or thought on his part. He swears they are just friends and that is all they were. He called it quits immediately and told her that he had hurt me. 

So, I was good with that and ready to recover what I could using recovery programs. Guess what?? His SIMS card is messed up on his phone. His phone is locked even from himself. He has to take it in to Verizon today to see what can be done. Wow...how convenient. I'd like to think coincidence but I cannot. 

He got caught. Pure and simple. IF he had not, he would still be talking with her. I am pretty sure it was not physical. And, it doesn't matter at this point. What matters is that he needs to figure it out. He is so scared of losing me and I don't give a s%&#. I loved and trusted him until February 10. From that moment on, I don't really know him. Right now, if he died, it wouldn't be any more painful. 

I can imagine a lot of you are thinking, wow, she's evil. I am a wonderful, sweet, funny, loving, kind wife who has been there for many years with my husband and through our two kids and their families, and the deaths of our parents. I would do anything for my husband if he asked. I should change that to I would have done anything. While it isn't over just yet, I am a very strong person and I weigh everything before I make a decision. It has to be a decision I can live with and not regret. I don't give a s*&% about his feelings or what he wants. Idiot.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

It was physical.

And unless one of them finds another job, he'll never go fully NC w/ her, which means the affair will never end.

These are truths.

You might as well accept them.


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## SofaKingWeToddId (Feb 7, 2013)

He obviously doesn't want you to read the texts. Why not? They should prove he is being truthful right? Or... He is lying and is desperate to hide the truth from you.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

It was easy saying,"No sweat" on loading a program to recover texts when a phone is broken. Have at it...right? Sorry this has happened. As the others have stated...it would appear this is/was PA.


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## cactusflowers (Feb 17, 2017)

What kind of phone does he have? Check out Enigma Recovery https://www.enigma-recovery.com/ You will need to have access to his phone for at least an hour and password if it has one. If you have the same type of phone you can practice with the free download.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Go with him to the Verizon store. Otherwise the phone will "conveniently" get a factory-reset and he'll come home with a brand new SIM card.


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## bbad (Feb 11, 2017)

GusPolinski said:


> It was physical.
> 
> And unless one of them finds another job, he'll never go fully NC w/ her, which means the affair will never end.
> 
> ...


^^ this. Unless you know for sure that your husband has sexual issue that prevents him from having sex. But you know there's still other methods! And other methods hurt just as much.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Deleting messages is a red flag to begin with, even if he deletes all of them to make it seem like a normal activity, there is no legit reason to do that. There is no way the phone just conveniently had this problem. I would take the phone into your possession until you get the data off it. If you don't, he may figure out how to wipe it. He can get a new one. I would threaten poly also.

Everything he is doing points to him lying.

If she is now claiming to be engaged, have you confirmed that is really true? If it is, contact the fiance. He can go after her messages on her phone too. Do not hesitate to do this. The fiance may have time to re-think his future wife's actions. He may have other information about what has been going on.

If it is an Iphone, download Wondershare Dr. Fone and use the free version. You don't need access to the lock screen of the phone at all. It just downloads everything including deleted messages that haven't yet been overwritten simply by plugging it in to USB. It can even grab Icloud backups without physical access to the phone if you know the icloud password.


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## Want2Understand (Feb 21, 2017)

My final post on this subject. Yesterday, after finding out the phone was unable to be repaired, I did not give him an option. I forced him to sign onto his Verizon account. There is a place that you can see text messages. So, I got to read those text messages. He stood over me and denied them at first. Seriously?? It was pretty obvious that they were his and hers. I took pictures of every message. They were all about I love you and sexting. I got into his pictures. They were naked pictures they had sent each other. He continued....CONTINUED....to deny a PA. I left him last night and stayed elsewhere. He kept calling and every now and then I would answer. He would tell me there was nothing to them. It was all a joke. He begged me to return. He slowly admitted that they "touched". He kissed her on the forehead...things like that. Finally, I said, I will come back today if you admit to a sexual affair. He continued saying he did not have intercourse with her. Ok...guys...semantics. You all are right. It was a sexual affair. It was an emotional affair. 

I will be 56 in a month. I have given that man 35 + years marriage, 5 years of high school dating, 2 kids, 5 grandkids, and a military career. His first "affair" happened when we were newly married. His second affair was when I was pregnant with our first child. All of that was 32 years ago but I always said 3 strikes and you are out.

I will not go to his counseling session. He is so adamant for me to go. He wants to work through this. I think I have went above and beyond to save and work on our marriage. I cannot live in a marriage of lies and deceit. I don't know what the future holds for me. But, I know what it does not hold. He can never touch me or be near me again. He has lost it all. I have lost it all because of his selfishness.


For all of those out there struggling with similar things, I have no advice. The good people on here knew and kept me thinking and looking for clues and answers. My heart is broken. He is a damn good liar and pretender. While he is saying his part with the OW was not real, who's to say he isn't saying the same thing to her about me?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I'm so sorry.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

W2U,

Bummer day for sure.:frown2:

That last post... Wow. You gave WH a third chance and he still doesn't get it. You probably know by know that he had other affairs that were buried in the years past. It took me months to understand Cheater Math. When they say only one time, multiply by 5. 

It's all about damage control now. I heard it all too. Just friends, we were only joking, we only touched, it was one-time and I didn't enjoy it. The list is endless.

Keep it together, prepare yourself emotionally as well as financially. Good luck.

BTW, that I only kissed her on the fore-head... Seriously?


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Want2Understand said:


> My final post on this subject. Yesterday, after finding out the phone was unable to be repaired, I did not give him an option. I forced him to sign onto his Verizon account. There is a place that you can see text messages. So, I got to read those text messages. He stood over me and denied them at first. Seriously?? It was pretty obvious that they were his and hers. I took pictures of every message. They were all about I love you and sexting. I got into his pictures. They were naked pictures they had sent each other. He continued....CONTINUED....to deny a PA. I left him last night and stayed elsewhere. He kept calling and every now and then I would answer. He would tell me there was nothing to them. It was all a joke. He begged me to return. He slowly admitted that they "touched". He kissed her on the forehead...things like that. Finally, I said, I will come back today if you admit to a sexual affair. He continued saying he did not have intercourse with her. Ok...guys...semantics. You all are right. It was a sexual affair. It was an emotional affair.
> 
> I will be 56 in a month. I have given that man 35 + years marriage, 5 years of high school dating, 2 kids, 5 grandkids, and a military career. His first "affair" happened when we were newly married. His second affair was when I was pregnant with our first child. All of that was 32 years ago but I always said 3 strikes and you are out.
> 
> ...


Very sorry to read this but you are a strong woman. If you read on a forum for a while you would see how many stay in denial and never get the truth. What you choose to do with it is personal, and only you can decide. But by listening to the advice you will make your decision with the truth. 

Wishing you well.


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## dianaelaine59 (Aug 15, 2016)

Want2Understand said:


> My final post on this subject. Yesterday, after finding out the phone was unable to be repaired, I did not give him an option. I forced him to sign onto his Verizon account. There is a place that you can see text messages. So, I got to read those text messages. He stood over me and denied them at first. Seriously?? It was pretty obvious that they were his and hers. I took pictures of every message. They were all about I love you and sexting. I got into his pictures. They were naked pictures they had sent each other. He continued....CONTINUED....to deny a PA. I left him last night and stayed elsewhere. He kept calling and every now and then I would answer. He would tell me there was nothing to them. It was all a joke. He begged me to return. He slowly admitted that they "touched". He kissed her on the forehead...things like that. Finally, I said, I will come back today if you admit to a sexual affair. He continued saying he did not have intercourse with her. Ok...guys...semantics. You all are right. It was a sexual affair. It was an emotional affair.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Don't leave us! You'll need us as you go through this. Big Hugs!!


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Síocháin (Mar 11, 2016)

Please tell her fiance. He has a right to know who he is engaged to.

ETA: I am so very sorry this has happened to you. You deserve so much more.


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## SofaKingWeToddId (Feb 7, 2013)

I'm sorry W2U.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Want2Understand said:


> I had no idea there was something called an Emotional affair until 2 weeks ago. My husband of 36 years was sick with the flu. His phone kept ringing. He didn't answer it so I got up and answered it. It was from "Squirt" and no one talked. I memorized the number and looked it up the next day. It was from a woman at his work. Next step was to look at the cell phone records. These two had been talking and texting for 2 years! They ran a race together in August and I didn't think anything of it because he was not happy she was running. Apparently it was unexpected. He swears that it is all just a platonic relationship. They talk on his morning drive to work, on the evening drive home, on trips he takes, and even on vacation time we took together. He just wanted to tell her how fun zip-lining was. They have talked as little as a few minutes and up to two hours. They have talked right under my nose. They text constantly per day. I text her and she said he loves me very much. THAT does not help matters! It just means to me that they have talked about me! I can't take this. I feel so betrayed. I guess what I am needing from any of you is thoughts and opinions. 2 years! He says yeah, but where was I throughout that time. I said...on the phone! He says it isn't anything b/c he has always been with me. But, he hasn't. I've been alone. He has been on the phone.
> 
> Opinions?


*A 2 year EA? Who do you think you are kidding?

It's in full blown PA mode by now!

Either he agrees to full disclosure or it's time to "go 180" on him ASAP!*


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I am so sorry this has happened. A lifetime with him and this is what you get. 

However, he gave you all the information you needed with TWO affairs early in your marriage. 

My bet, this latest affair is only the tip of the iceberg. He's likely done this several times you don't even know about.

You have made the right decision to leave him, even though I know it must be so sad for you.

God bless.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

OP,

Unfortunately, you're not alone in wanting to convince yourself this was not a PA. Most BS's don't want to believe "their" spouse could do something like that. I was the same. When I found evidence of my wife's EA, I wanted to believe her lies about it being it not being a PA. It's natural to want to protect your heart.

When I found the initial texts that she forgot to erase (just a few I love you's), she did a factory reset on the phone the next day (I'm sure the OM told her to do it). She made up some excuse about problems with her phone. I still wanted to believe her.

But just like you, at least I was smart enough to keep digging. I got "lucky". 5 days later I was able to recover 3500 Facebook messages (via deleted FB emails) revealing her 2 year PA; with all the gory details.

You see; the betrayed spouses that post on this board have a collective wisdom about how cheaters behave. There's essentially a Cheater's handbook. In your case - I knew, as did others, your husband surely had a PA. *No* man stays in an EA for two years when he has physical access. The volume and frequency of texts just added to the surety, as did his text deleting and prior cheating. Of course he was lying. Because that's just what cheater's do. 

If you know you want to divorce, it's a good thing - to know what you want to do. 

Your husband is a serial cheater. He's had his second chance; and a third. He doesn't deserve another one.

Keep posting. I'm sure you could use the support.

Best wishes for you.


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## Want2Understand (Feb 21, 2017)

The latest...we went to counseling. That morning before counseling I had a phone call from the OW where she admitted to oral, manual, and phone sex while he was on a work trip. Ok...so I had proof. I went first with my story. I did not mention yet what I had learned. Then, he told his story. Again, not admitting sex. So, I confronted him in front of the counselor. He said it wasn't intercourse so he doesn't consider it sex. Seriously, Bill Clinton?? Anyway, when he knew he could not win the argument, he said he had something dark inside of him and he could not quit. But, he had. He had not had an affair for 32 years. He kept talking about how he had been on Yahoo Messenger and in forums in the 1990's when he had to quit that. The counselor asked him a few questions and now he says he has deep issues...sex addiction. 

So, now the focus is on his problem. Too freaking bad that I had to get hurt but he couldn't help it. This is so much like IEP for behavior students. They couldn't help it that they punched you or cursed you. It is an issue that can't help. 

This just seems awfully damn convenient that he has "issues". Can he not just let me go? He professes his deep love for me. Well, if this is love, I don't want a part of it.

So, what do you all think? Can he possibly have sex addiction? If he does, what should I do now?? All opinions welcomed!


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

Classic cheater MO. Don't own up to your mistakes, blame it on anything but your own choices.

Don't fall for it OP.

Seriously, even if he did have a damn sex addiction. How in the world is that justification?


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## Want2Understand (Feb 21, 2017)

Keke24 said:


> Classic cheater MO. Don't own up to your mistakes, blame it on anything but your own choices.
> 
> Don't fall for it OP.
> 
> Seriously, even if he did have a damn sex addiction. How in the world is that justification?


Exactly!! We all have choices to make. My choice is to leave and never look back.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Want2Understand said:


> The latest...we went to counseling. That morning before counseling I had a phone call from the OW where she admitted to oral, manual, and phone sex while he was on a work trip. Ok...so I had proof. I went first with my story. I did not mention yet what I had learned. Then, he told his story. Again, not admitting sex. So, I confronted him in front of the counselor. He said it wasn't intercourse so he doesn't consider it sex. Seriously, Bill Clinton?? Anyway, when he knew he could not win the argument, he said he had something dark inside of him and he could not quit. But, he had. He had not had an affair for 32 years. He kept talking about how he had been on Yahoo Messenger and in forums in the 1990's when he had to quit that. The counselor asked him a few questions and now he says he has deep issues...sex addiction.
> 
> So, now the focus is on his problem. Too freaking bad that I had to get hurt but he couldn't help it. This is so much like IEP for behavior students. They couldn't help it that they punched you or cursed you. It is an issue that can't help.
> 
> ...


If he does have a sex addiction, he had decades to address it and fix himself. He chose not to. 

Were I you, you would stop going to counseling with him and get a divorce.


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## Want2Understand (Feb 21, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> If he does have a sex addiction, he had decades to address it and fix himself. He chose not to.
> 
> Were I you, you would stop going to counseling with him and get a divorce.


That is my intentions. He just feels he can still manipulate me. What he doesn't get is that I come first. I don't give a crap about him anymore. I have been a pretty damn good partner all these years. And, he just lost it all.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

He does not get t play the victim card that is absolutely bs....time to play the divorce card.....time to turn the table....


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> If he does have a sex addiction, he had decades to address it and fix himself. He chose not to.


This exactly! Only when he's been caught with his pants down, does he now seek help. 

It's not genuine remorse. It's fake because he wants to avoid the fall outs of divorce. 

In other words, he is a cake eater. 

Please don't waste another cent on counseling. You deserve better. Even being alone is better than wasting another day on this man.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Want2Understand said:


> The latest...we went to counseling. That morning before counseling I had a phone call from the OW where she admitted to oral, manual, and phone sex while he was on a work trip. Ok...so I had proof. I went first with my story. I did not mention yet what I had learned. Then, he told his story. Again, not admitting sex. So, I confronted him in front of the counselor. He said it wasn't intercourse so he doesn't consider it sex. Seriously, Bill Clinton?? Anyway, when he knew he could not win the argument, he said he had something dark inside of him and he could not quit. But, he had. He had not had an affair for 32 years. He kept talking about how he had been on Yahoo Messenger and in forums in the 1990's when he had to quit that. The counselor asked him a few questions and now he says he has deep issues...sex addiction.
> 
> So, now the focus is on his problem. Too freaking bad that I had to get hurt but he couldn't help it. This is so much like IEP for behavior students. They couldn't help it that they punched you or cursed you. It is an issue that can't help.
> 
> ...


LOL...

They're _still_ lying!

There was sex, as in full-blown, actual, PIV sex.

He's had three affairs that you _know_ about, and God only knows how many you _don't_ know about.

Anyway, until he admits to PIV, he's lying.

Sex addiction? LOL... WHO CARES?!?

He's a serial wayward. He's not going to stop.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Want2Understand said:


> That is my intentions. He just feels he can still manipulate me. What he doesn't get is that I come first. I don't give a crap about him anymore. I have been a pretty damn good partner all these years. And, he just lost it all.


But on your other thread you said that if he has a sex addiction you will feel sorry and stay with him.

I hope you don't.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

I'm very sorry that you are going through this. Stay strong and know this isn't your fault. The blame is all on him.


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## Want2Understand (Feb 21, 2017)

I meant I will see him through some therapy and then he is on his own. I'm out. I'm keeping our house. He can find a new place and a new life.


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## Want2Understand (Feb 21, 2017)

Actually, I looked back at that post and what I was saying is that he was hoping if he brought up sex addiction, I would stay. But, no, he broke our vows. We all have choices.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Good. Stay strong and follow through with your divorce.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Want2Understand said:


> Actually, I looked back at that post and what I was saying is that he was hoping if he brought up sex addiction, I would stay. But, no, he broke our vows. We all have choices.


Ahh... the "but I have a sex addition" card. How many times have we seen it played as a last resort. After the lying, gas lighting, subversion, and betrayal is finally exposed. It's a cowardly Hail Mary attempt. 

Even if it's real, which I doubt it is; so the F what. It doesn't change what he's done or who he is.


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