# Separation emotions



## overitnolove (Dec 5, 2008)

I've written a few times and thought I'd just take this opportunity to express where I'm at now.

We had (another) big chat last night, and realised a lot of issues with our marriage that were there from the get-go. We were at different stages of our lives.

It finally hit me last night, clear as a bell, that it was over.

For the first time.

He still believes whole heartedly that we can fix it, that he has no doubts in his mind at all that I am the one for him and that we should be together forever. 

But it just cant be.

I've been a complete mess, crying constantly, and I think I am crying out of realisation and greif. That it is over. That I will not be married to him anymore. 

We are just not compatible but I realy wish with every bone in my body that we were. But you cant fake it. 

He agreed that we've had a brother/sister type relationship for some time now.

I asked him why he didnt bring it up himself and he said that hindsight is a wonderful thing, or something like that.

I just wanted to let all of those WOmen who are leaving men, and not because of an affair, not becuase of abuse, not because of anything other than the fact that it is not love, was never love, and is just a caring conpanionship-type relationship and the fact that that is not enough no matter how much you wished it would be.

I wanted to tell you that you are not the only ones going through the most confusing type of pain there is.

I wanted to say to you that I understand and wish you well.

Good luck.


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## TGolbus (Nov 3, 2008)

Did you ever love him? Why do you feel there is no chance? Are you blinded by emotions ("crying out of guilt") or is this a decision that equally weighs the head and heart?
Has he made actions to try attempt to change or close the gap?
What does running gain?


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## overitnolove (Dec 5, 2008)

I did love him- completely, but fell out of love before we got married due to a lot of stress created by him.

But yeah, I did. It isnt that I feel there is no chance, it is that I have no energy left to give to him. And yes, I probablly am blinded by emotions.

We have had a lot of stress. His father died three weeks after we got married and he was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis a year ago. It was equally weighting on the head and the heart for quite a while though.

It is confusing, but we are seeing a councellor.


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## sunnygirl (Nov 23, 2008)

Hi overitinlove,

I am going through a similar issue, except for the fact that there was not much passion in the very beginning of my relationship. At least you have that to work with. 

We have been married 5 years now and have been through hell and back. I married him because he got a job overseas and we had to get married, so I could join him there! What a mistake. I feel cheated out of a real wedding and might never have one again. The problem with me is that I do love him but am in no way sexually attracted to him.

I am seriously considering divorce. I guess I don't have a lot of advice for you, but want you to know there are others in simialr situations. Good, loving, caring husband...but no attraction. It makes me feel so guilty and selfish to have these thoughts. He deserves a giving loving wife who wants to take care of him. Doesn't he? But that is not me I'm afraid. I don't understand how he could think everything is fine in our relationship either. In the end I just don't think we are compatible. I'm not even sure that is something you can fix with counseling. 

I keep telling myself to follow my heart. My heart is telling me to leave, but my brain is saying stay due to financial and fear issues.


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## overitnolove (Dec 5, 2008)

sunnygirl said:


> Hi overitinlove,
> 
> I am going through a similar issue, except for the fact that there was not much passion in the very beginning of my relationship. At least you have that to work with.
> 
> ...



Hi Sunnylove.

Its nice to hear you are in the same situation, if you know what I mean.

We have now officially separated.

I fell out of love with my husband after about six months into our relationship but his father had told him to kill himself and "make it easier on the family", so I got on a mission to save him.

We had fights, there was a point in our relationship where he wasnt working, where he thought working two shifts a week was ample, buit, I survived through it all, because I wanted it to work out, and I had become so emotionaly invested in it all that I could imagine leaving him, even thoughI fantacised about being with other men even as far back as 4 years ago--we have been together for 5, and even though I havent enjoyed sex with him for years either.

Pretty messy stuff.

Anyway, becuase I do love him and care for him, in the end my body gave out, when I refused to listen to my mind and heart. I started having panic attacks, and in the end got a week off work and went to a spa retreat to get my head together.

The last few days actually being separated ha been hell. i HAVE CRIED MORE THAN i CAN REMEMBER, but after having a really angry and honest converstion on the phone last night and sleeping about 12 hours, I feel a lot stronger, and for the first time in a long time.

Honey, getting separated and divorced is horrible!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!
But, at the end of the day, is souns like you are in the same situation as me and if you stay with him, it sounds like you'll have a meltdown like I did, and that is not cool, I am telling you now.

My husband is living with his mother atthe moment. He tried to talk about it, she said, 'I cant deal with this right now', and went to a spa for a week, and she isnt the kind of woman that goes to spas.

So it is really sad and he is really alone, but he agreed that he has issueds with communicaing and has shut himself off from theworld, just like his emotionally crippled mother of his.

ANyway, I am going to leve him, uless something out of the blue happened. I have been waiting for 5 years for that to happen and it hasnt happened yet and I want to live life and be bloody happy!

So, here I sit, finally feeling a little more human this morning. Space it the best thing for you.Really. Dont be scared, do it for your own sanity.

Take care.

overitnolove


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## sunnygirl (Nov 23, 2008)

It is nice to talk about this stuff with someone in the same situation. I did have my meltdown already and it lasted quite a few weeks. I have since calmed down a bit, but I know I am just biding my time until the next big meltdown. I was feeling really unhealthy due to all the crying and confusion. My problem is that one day I really feel like leaving, then the next I am thinking "meh, this isn't so bad-even if extremely boring and life sucking". I am so sick of having these conflicting emotions. 

It doesn't make it any better that a am having an emotional relationship with someone that is complicating everything. I have tried to end it but the lure of feeling in love again (like I haven't felt in many, many years) is too strong. I worry that I will never be in love again if I stay with my husband. I feel guilty about this, but I have been so starved for attention, romantically, that I cannot pull myself away. 

I wish I knew the answer to all of this. I am happy that you are finally getting yourself out of your situation. If anything, space might heal you two. My sister separated from her husband ( they had a small child) and they ended up getting back together. They are happy now, but weren't for many years. 

Also, have you read the book "Eat, love, pray"? It is a true story about a woman going through divorce that almost killed her, but she came out on the other side happier than ever. Oddly enough it was my sister who gave it to me! 

Just remember, follow your heart and you will be happy!


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## overitnolove (Dec 5, 2008)

Hi Sunny Girl,

I just lost my whole entry! no.

What I was saying is that he is coming round, and I didnt think he would.

I think he understands where I am coming from and has had the whole time which pisses me off becuiase I was going through all of this angust for no F^&*ING reason.

He was in denial!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anywhoo! So he is taking is OK and is living with his god forsaken mother.

But doing counelling eventhough it is the last thing on your mins, is the best thing for you right now, bwcause it helps with the process. Make him make the appointment.

It helps you to digest what you ar actaully contemplating becuase it is huge, it doesnt matter how screwy the relationship has been. It is stil sad and grief is a MAJOR part of the process.

Bring it up with him. Tell him you think you need to sepatate to have some space, to get your head clear, if he says it sounds like a line, just tell him it is how it is.

'Space is needed, I need space' is what I told my partner.

And after saying the words, after doing the deed, you will cry, hysterically, for days on end.

I think t is part of the process.

Anyway, hopefully you have somewhere to stay because I know that you said you moved away from everything you knew for his job. If you made new friends, see if you can sleep on their sofa for a few days? Do you have a mortgage? If so, that is a major issue, just if you don't maybe fly back to where you came from if you can afford it.

The only thing that matters is mental sanity, happiness and family my dear.

Dont worry about your bank ballance right now. 

You just need to make the decision.

-S


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## sunnygirl (Nov 23, 2008)

OMG, I also lost everything I just typed, too!!! It was a lot. What is going on with this? I was just about to post it...I've gotta run now. Aargh...I'll have to respond later.


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## allatsea (Dec 14, 2008)

Have just read your thread and had to write to say thank you for sharing your thoughts. They really help. I am male contemplating leaving for no other reason than the fact that it is not love, probably was never love, and is just a caring conpanionship-type relationship and I totally agree that that is not enough no matter how much we wished it would be. And as I get older, and maybe wiser, this matters more and more.

I wanted to let you know how much I understand what you've written and how courageous I think your decision is. I really hope you feel able to stay strong and that you find happiness.


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## overitnolove (Dec 5, 2008)

Hi all at sea,

I just wanted to respond because I know how heart breaking it is when no one on this site responds and you are at your wits end.

I almost thought I'd get back with him, because the pain was so immence that I thought it MUST be love. Thing is, it is, just not the right kind, and when you have spent so much time together, you do indeed become one, and the emotional separation is painful.

All most too painful at times. I took up red wine for a hobby for about a month. Stupid, but it got me through.

Today, I still have a constand pain in my heart, that pain made of regret, hurt, love, fear, realisation and pity.

But, I am 31 and know in my heart of hearts that it isnt right and surely, if anything, being single and content is better than being in a marraige that hurts my self esteem through exhaustion, being in a marriage that does not have that communication, that un-explainable emotional, passionalte bond that is the A1 neccessity. And don't get me wrong, it isnt as if I want to 'swing from the rafters', I just want that connection, one that hasn't been there for most of the relationship.

I guess what I am saying is that if you truly are in the same situation as me, then you need to sommon (cant spell) all of the courage you dont or do have, and take the biggest bloody leap of faith you will probablly ever take and do it. I am personally feeling better already.

Good luck,

S


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