# Advice?



## lderv (Dec 27, 2013)

I posted here almost 1 year ago, and things are not better.
I am closer to divorce than when I last posted, but I am not there yet.
The most recent problems with my husband and I surround his mother. She became an issue in our marriage after we had kids- prior to that her and I got along well. She is from an indian/asian culture. Her husband has dementia and was placed in a nursing home in 12/14. She handled the entire thing horribly- including leaving him alone in November '14, after he was baker acted for attacking a caregiver- while she was away on a cruise, earlier in the same month. She complained to everyone that no one would help her- but many people offered including me. My husband was angry with me for trying to make sure my father in law was safe when my mother in law left him alone. My husband was angry with me for visiting my father in law in the nursing home because I wouldn't visit his mom. He said if I didn't visit his mom that I shouldn't visit father in law. HE said that if his mom found out that I had visited father in law and wasn't visiting her, she would be upset and he would have to hear it from her- and he didn't want to deal with her giving him a hard time.
I stopped talking to his mother after she left her husband alone. I started talking again to her 5/15, and have seen her a few times. I am generally keeping a distance. She blamed me- to my husband- for keeping the kids away from her. Which was not true. And my husband when we fought- would bring it up against me- that I was hurting his mother. I am seeing a therapist now. And he is encouraging me to avoid talking about MIL to my husband and avoid MIL. 
Just this last 4th of July my husband and I got into a fight.
My husband's sister was in town- he doesn't want to have anything to do with her, because my MIL complained that his sister was mean to her. My MIL called my husband repeatedly and wanted him to come over with the kids to see his sister and her family. my husband didn't call her back. And he was upset over the 4th of july- about upsetting his mom. And I felt he was being cold to me- and i told him. He said he was upset about his mom. and I told him he needed to deal with it and not use it as a reason to be cold with me. my husband has gotten upset multiple times in the past about things related to his mom- and he has let it- affect his time/mood with me and the kids. So i got tired of it.
Thanksgiving of last year, my husband was so upset that his mom was mad at him, that he shut down completely- and was not emotionally there for me or the kids. The day after thanksgiving, he lay in a fetal position and cried- the kids just played in front of him. I told him isn't not normal and he tells me he can't help it.
Anyways, I told him I wanted him to be there for me and then he just attacks me. 
He things I am not being supportive of him. and when we fought he blamed me for things not being right with his mom.
We have fought about his mom- so many times. I am trying very hard to not even go there.
He continues to blame all of our problems on the fact that I am angry.
I feel like trying to talk to him is a waste of time.
I have brought up divorce- because I don't see how anything can be resolved. He doesn't want to talk about divorce. I asked him- what he would expect if we divorced- as far as what would be financially "fair"- and he said " I would want everything I've worked for".
When I say that I have worked part time, to raise children- he acts like I am just being greedy in wanting any money.
His parents divorce colors every conversation we have- and how he perceives our conversations. I recently said we needed to go to counseling because we are headed for divorce. He went, and the counselor said my husband didn't need to come back because he wasn't motivated to change.
I feel like divorce is looking more likely because he blames me- and shows little to no interest in changing. However I keep hoping that things can work out. And I am not sure where to start if divorce if the way to go. 
I am fearful that life will be more difficult if I divorce vs staying in the marriage. my husband has told me he doesn't want to deal with the kids if we divorce- I don't know if he is saying the truth. He said he will not have a civil divorce. In an ideal world I would like to be able to work out a divorce where we don't smack talk each other, he stays involved. but I am doubtful. I feel like if we got a divorce he would be vindictive and fall apart.
My husband is a good provider financially and is a hard worker. He has improved with helping with the kids.And he seems to enjoy them much more than in the past. He will do things If I ask him- not things related to emotions- but helping out type things.. So he does have some positive characteristics.
I am finding it hard to move beyond thinking about divorce... I feel ambivalent about the whole thing. I am not in danger . The kids like having there dad around. I am really more afraid of the long term damage of staying in a bad relationship. 
The fighting with my husband and the blaming is stressful. When we are fighting I get very distracted at work, and with the kids. ANd when we aren't fighting- it feels like a truce. and sometimes it feels ok, not warm, but ok (like I could live with this marriage).
Is this normal?
Anyone is or has been in a similar situation- with any advice? if you were stuck on the fence about divorce or staying to see if things could possibly get better- how did you finally decide. AND do you have any regrets?
TIA


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## unblinded (May 27, 2015)

You need to protect yourself in this situation. I would consult with an attorney and prep for what seems to be inevitable.


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## lderv (Dec 27, 2013)

I have talked to someone already. My husband works very hard and is worried about "protecting his assets". He asked me for a post nup about 1 year ago and then changed his mind. He says he doesn't want a divorce. But I can't see myself living like this for 10 more years. I told him that he needs to deal with his issues- related to his parent's divorce, but all he has told me is that- he will. However he will not talk to anyone (not even friends) about his problems with me or related to his mom.


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## unblinded (May 27, 2015)

lderv said:


> I have talked to someone already. My husband works very hard and is worried about "protecting his assets". He asked me for a post nup about 1 year ago and then changed his mind. He says he doesn't want a divorce. But I can't see myself living like this for 10 more years. I told him that he needs to deal with his issues- related to his parent's divorce, but all he has told me is that- he will. However he will not talk to anyone (not even friends) about his problems with me or related to his mom.


Sorry, I guess I missed that part.

Unfortunately, I do not foresee your situation improving. What is the optimal end state for you?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Asian men often have 'mummy' issues. The mothers rule the roost and they never seem to let go of the apron strings. They can also be manipulative. Unfortunately the only way to break it is to remove yourselves from the same geographical location as her but I guess that is not possible.

You could remove yourself emotionally from his family (i did that and it worked) just do not get involved. Do what you want to do and when you want to do it. Let her complain, and when your husband comes to you about it, tell him, 'it's your mother, you sort it out, it is not my problem', in other words, reset the boundaries of what you are willing to put up with. Focus on yourself, your immediate family and your husband. Do not play into the family drama and politics. If he wants to complain, let him but silently.

If you feel that you still cannot continue, then seek legal advice and consider leaving him. it is unlikely he will change until he sorts out his own issues with his family.


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