# How do I deal with this??



## 2ndbestalways (Jan 24, 2016)

So today me and my husband came to head, 

Let me explain, please would love as many tips or bits of advice possible please as I'm at my wits end!

So my husband pays $90,000 a year for two of his daughters for full boarding private education, we don't own a house and his ex wife took everything in the divorce including his house,

He also pays her $2000 in child benefit to her

The girls are 17 and 13 and he has paid everything for five years in full, 

We have been together 5years and recently got married, I feel I may of made a mistake,
When we married we discussed we couldn't afford this school payments anymore as we scrape everything to live, 
I have health problems and cannot work, 
So he discussed with the ex as she's with someone else has been for over 5years and they both are very well off that she needs to contribute now for schooling, 
He told me he was to say half each as I think that's fair,
He told me today she's paying $3000 a year, 
I think that is a joke,
Then his daughters birthday next week so he is paying $1000 towards a car? 
We argued over this as again we have not a lot of money, I don't no how much he earns, never have been interested and I don't take anything from him per month, 
My friend even cuts my hair, 

Then he said today after we argued that when I contribute to the i comings I can have a say, it cut me real deep as I'm trying to show him she's taking the mick out of him!! 

She's a very vindictive woman and even called him the day before we wed to say he shouldn't go through with it and had nothing to prove!! 

It destroyed me, I feel like I'm second fiddle to his ex wife and children yet I constantly put myself out to make the kids feel happy and don't have any issues with them, 

I just don't no if I can keep going much longer being the last priority and constantly kept in the dark, he also deletes messages and call history from his ex wife too as I said she shouldn't have as much contact with him as she does, especially when she's so nasty about our relationship, I thought things would change when we were married but it's not at all! 

What I'm asking is what do I do?? 
I love him unconditionally and I no he does me too I just don't think I can take much more, I expected to be a step mom which I am to the best of my ability I just didn't think I would be second fiddle to his ex wife? 
If anyone can help me id really really appreciate it!! 

Sorry this is so long zxx


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Most people will look down on me for what I'm about to say but why would you strike a bond (much less marriage) with a man who has this much baggage? Your not the only person I've heard about doing something like this, it makes no sense to me. Please don't tell me it's love, because at some point, common sense has to kick in. Unfortunately it seems to have kicked in after you got married.

My advice: legally separate yourself from this man financially, if not end the marriage all together. His financial obligations will take you down with him. Always enter a relationship with your eyes open and rely less on your heart and more on your head.


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## BirdieToldMe (Jan 16, 2016)

This whole thing sounds like such a mess. Are you honestly not interested in how much he earns per year? I would absolutely want to know; however, it doesn't mean he will be willing to take her to court to have his child support payments reduced. 

I know you said you're unable to work but is there anything at all you can do to bring in money? Perhaps if you sat down and had a calm discussion about what your financial goals are this year (Buy a house? Go on vacation?) he would be more willing to include you in decisions regarding your household income. 

You will always have to tread lightly when it comes to his relationship with his children ... but you knew that when you married him.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

2ndbestalways said:


> ....We have been together 5 years and recently got married, I feel I may of made a mistake,
> 
> It destroyed me, I feel like I'm second fiddle to his ex wife and children....
> 
> .....I thought things would change when we were married but it's not at all!


OP, I am sorry but I agree with you that you are second fiddle to his ex-wife and children. You saw that before the marriage and you should not be surprised nothing changed after the marriage.

Your husband will not change. If you accept the current situation, then stay with him. If not, separate and divorce. It will not be easy but you really do not want to be in this same situation in five more years. 

What was the reason your husband divorced his ex wife? Was it because of infidelity? If so, he may be feeling guilty and feel that he owes all that financial support to his ex and the children. 

Be strong.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

You will always be second fiddle to his children and he has to be in contact with his ex wife because of the children they have together. He will choose them over you so don't argue or complain. This is the way it's going to be. You really have no say in what he does with the money he earns because you aren't contributing financially. You knew this was going to be your life when you married him. On the bright side the $90,000 will end when his children are out of school but odds are he will always be giving them money for something.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

2ndbestalways said:


> We have been together 5years and recently got married, I feel I may of made a mistake,
> 
> Then his daughters birthday next week so he is paying $1000 towards a car?
> We argued over this as again we have not a lot of money
> ...


Well if this is your idea of "unconditional" love, you are in deep denial.


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## giddiot (Jun 28, 2015)

How can you say he loves you unconditionally when he just demonstrated he doesn't?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

You have no idea how much money your husband makes??

Is all of this stuff court ordered?


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## 2ndbestalways (Jan 24, 2016)

They were both unfaithful hence first divorce, 

I love him unconditionally is my point 

And I no idea on any of our finances and am kept in the dark about everything,

Yes it's all court ordered but was divorced in north cyprus and I've told him any us or uk attorney would never agree to that amount I'm sure but he won't go through it all again and said its for his kids so that's what he has to do, 

I love him and we generally have a great life but his ex wife won't leave us be 

I get he has to have contact with her but it's excessive and not needed, the kids all have their own mobiles and emails and have constant contact themselves with him so I don't see why she should contact him unless theirs an issue or emergency?? 

Am I being selfish? 

It's not like they are small as I said they are 17 and 13 and very independent living at school and often opting to stay at school in the holidays unless visiting us because of how controlling their mum is when they go home, their words not mine

Just seems every time I try and broach the subject we have a massive argument

What am I doing wrong or how do I say how I feel about her without it sounding like tit for tat ???


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Your marriage is 50/50. Cut out the private schooling or try and get an annulment.

This is total BS. You married her X doormat


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## BirdieToldMe (Jan 16, 2016)

I don't think the ex-wife is the problem at all. I would take any anger you have toward her and direct it toward your husband for not allowing you to have any part in the conversation that involves your household and your life. 

It sounds like he doesn't want to reduce the amount of child support so you may have to learn to accept that; however, I would make it clear that it's not out of line for you to know what your household income is so that you can have financial goals.

Maybe you could try to get him started on Dave Ramsey so that you two can purchase a house? If you don't have any debt, you can skip that step (obviously) but doing Dave Ramsey will help you two to come together with the finances and put it all down on paper.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

His children are his first financial priority, you knew this going in. You say you have no income yet you "don't take anything from him". How do you support yourself then? Who pays for living, bills, food etc?


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## 2ndbestalways (Jan 24, 2016)

Marc878 said:


> Your marriage is 50/50. Cut out the private schooling or try and get an annulment.
> 
> This is total BS. You married her X doormat



It's my husbands commitment to the private schooling and we have different beliefs on that and so he won't stop it for the sake of his kids which is fine I am more concerned about the hold his ex wife seems to have over him and the fact she's took him to the cleaners and still tries to dictate to him what he can and can't do


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## 2ndbestalways (Jan 24, 2016)

Holland said:


> His children are his first financial priority, you knew this going in. You say you have no income yet you "don't take anything from him". How do you support yourself then? Who pays for living, bills, food etc?


He pays everything 

I've tried to find work but every job this suitable he says he doesn't want me to take because he travels abroad lots and wants me at his call when he's home


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## 2ndbestalways (Jan 24, 2016)

BirdieToldMe said:


> I don't think the ex-wife is the problem at all. I would take any anger you have toward her and direct it toward your husband for not allowing you to have any part in the conversation that involves your household and your life.
> 
> It sounds like he doesn't want to reduce the amount of child support so you may have to learn to accept that; however, I would make it clear that it's not out of line for you to know what your household income is so that you can have financial goals.
> 
> Maybe you could try to get him started on Dave Ramsey so that you two can purchase a house? If you don't have any debt, you can skip that step (obviously) but doing Dave Ramsey will help you two to come together with the finances and put it all down on paper.


I've asked him to sit with me and work out all the incoming and outgoings many times, I said I need to no what happens if he had an accident I wouldn't have a clue what to do and also said if there was a way we could cut down on something then I'd be able to help but can't until I no what's what


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

2ndbestalways said:


> .......*his ex wife won't leave us be*
> 
> I get he has to have contact with her but *it's excessive and not needed,*


YOU may think the contact is excessive, but YOUR HUSBAND does not. If he did, he would limit the contact. Do not put the anger on the ex. Your husband permits the contact and may actually prefer/welcome it. 

You have not done anything wrong, and I doubt anything you say to him or do will change the situation. I know that is not what you want to read, and I feel sorry for you. You deserve to be happy.

Do you really want to be in this same situation in five years? Because unless you remove yourself from this, it will be the same.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

2ndbestalways said:


> I love him unconditionally is my point
> 
> And I no idea on any of our finances and am kept in the dark about everything,
> 
> ...


Okay, your love is "unconditional." Apparently, his is not. But I'll give you some food for thought: What you claim is unconditional love appears to me to be someone, who not only has no healthy boundaries on what and what is not acceptable in a relationship, but also someone who is living the victim role. Big time.

Seriously.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Happilymarried25 said:


> You will always be second fiddle to his children and he has to be in contact with his ex wife because of the children they have together. He will choose them over you so don't argue or complain. This is the way it's going to be. You really have no say in what he does with the money he earns because you aren't contributing financially. You knew this was going to be your life when you married him. On the bright side the $90,000 will end when his children are out of school but odds are he will always be giving them money for something.


Omg no no no! She's his WIFE. Spouse should always come first. Never play second fiddle to anyone. The ONLY time his ex wife should contact him is in relation to the children. That's IT.

That said, the problem is not the ex, it's him - she continues to contact him because he allows it.




BirdieToldMe said:


> I don't think the ex-wife is the problem at all. I would take any anger you have toward her and direct it toward your husband for not allowing you to have any part in the conversation that involves your household and your life.


This.

I'm a second wife and stepmum too OP. I'm also a SAHW/M. I know every dollar that comes into this house, and hubby and I have equal say in where it goes. Do not allow yourself to be treated this way. It's not "his" money. It's "our" money.

The fact that he lets his ex dictate to him, and call him so much makes me wonder if he's really over her...


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

OP, you say your husband (and his ex) were unfaithful in their marriage. Was he unfaithful with you? You calling her "vindictive" is very telling.

If so, as a woman whose husband left me and a 13-year-old son last year for an OW he now plans to marry, I don't have a whole lot of sympathy for you.

If their divorce settlement states he is to pay for all that stuff - and I'm guessing it does - you have no say in the matter. Zero.

And how do you know, really, that she was also unfaithful? Do you have irrefutable proof, or is that just what he's told you? My ex has told his family, friends - and girlfriend, I imagine - all kinds of things about me that are not true, in order to justify his actions to himself.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Marc878 said:


> Your marriage is 50/50. Cut out the private schooling or try and get an annulment.
> 
> This is total BS. You married her X doormat


How he chooses and what is costs to educate his children is none of her business, they were there before her and he has an obligation to them before anyone else.

This is on the OP, she married a man with big outgoings and she brings in no income. This is his children's money not the new wifes. All this should have been sorted well before marriage.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Holland said:


> How he chooses and what is costs to educate his children is none of her business, they were there before her and he has an obligation to them before anyone else.
> 
> This is on the OP, she married a man with big outgoings and she brings in no income. This is his children's money not the new wifes. All this should have been sorted well before marriage.


Wrong. If they are married finances should be settled by both. $90,000 for private schooling is a bit over the top.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Marc878 said:


> Wrong. If they are married finances should be settled by both. $90,000 for private schooling is a bit over the top.


Sure that's how you would do things but not everyone is the same. What he spends for his kids education is not over the top if he can afford it. Plenty of people choose to spend money on education.
Just because he got divorced does not mean his kids are now a lower priority in his life.

The kids and their needs are not just superseded because he got remarried.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Holland said:


> Sure that's how you would do things but not everyone is the same. What he spends for his kids education is not over the top if he can afford it. Plenty of people choose to spend money on education.
> Just because he got divorced does not mean his kids are now a lower priority in his life.
> 
> The kids and their needs are not just superseded because he got remarried.


According to the OP that's the problem they can't afford it. The kids are now part of the total equation.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

IMO He's "buying a relationship" with his ex. And at your expense. He hasn't released [especially emotionally] from the previous relationship. You deserve better than this, in fact you both do.

His ex is quite happily taking his money, and probably thinks he's a friend. Why shouldn't she? doormats are very convenient when they know their place, and in the meantime his wife gets to do everything she wants while the paypig just keeps forking out for her old indiscretions.

The best thing IMO that you can do is work out all the numbers, so at least you know where you stand and how long (if at all) you're prepared to put up with it.

Buying a car is a commitment, and we understand he wants to be part of his daughters' life/lifestyle, but he's got to realise that if his ex and her man are wealthy, he just may not have the means to keep up with the Jones. this may be very difficult for him to admit, especially as a man, especially if he sees men as the financial supporters of the family. It wll likely hit him very hard when he realises his ex-wife is actually _gone_, as are his _children_. And that there is nothing he can ever do about it. Expect a grieving process...but that's the thing about money, it has no gender bias. And if he's used to having money, he's got to wise up before it's too late and you're gone too. He isn't Bill Gates, and he does have to budget, including for you and him, if he expects you both to continue in a relationship together.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

Holland said:


> Sure that's how you would do things but not everyone is the same. What he spends for his kids education is not over the top if he can afford it. Plenty of people choose to spend money on education.
> Just because he got divorced does not mean his kids are now a lower priority in his life.
> 
> The kids and their needs are not just superseded because he got remarried.


Actually yes the kids etc are superseded because he just made a new commitment.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

spotthedeaddog said:


> Actually yes the kids etc are superseded because he just made a new commitment.


Some of us would never treat our kids that way. I feel sorry for any child that due to their parents divorce now also gets tossed aside just because there is a new partner around. What happens when the second marriage ends, do parents go back to pick up the pieces with their kids?

It is certainly not the way we or any of my friends live. It is possible to still have your kids as the priority and have a healthy and happy new marriage.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Oh wow...kids should never be "superseded" because a parent remarries!! Whoa...

I think the marriage should be first priority (not at the expense of the kids needs) as the kids will grow and move forward in their lives...the couple will have each other.

None of us were party to the divorce docs, and if he agreed to pay full fees then he has to pay them. 

It is odd though, that the mum won't contribute to the kids education.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Nomorebeans said:


> OP, you say your husband (and his ex) were unfaithful in their marriage. Was he unfaithful with you? You calling her "vindictive" is very telling.
> 
> If so, as a woman whose husband left me and a 13-year-old son last year for an OW he now plans to marry, I don't have a whole lot of sympathy for you.
> 
> ...


You read my mind.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

Holland said:


> Some of us would never treat our kids that way. I feel sorry for any child that due to their parents divorce now also gets tossed aside just because there is a new partner around. What happens when the second marriage ends, do parents go back to pick up the pieces with their kids?
> 
> It is certainly not the way we or any of my friends live. It is possible to still have your kids as the priority and have a healthy and happy new marriage.


Agree.

In my mind its akin to those hypotheticals people will sometimes come up with.

You can only save your wife or your kids from a fire. Who do you save? My kids every time. And I would expect the same answer from my wife.

Some people seem to think this means the spouse takes a backseat. That sex doesnt matter anymore because im a mom/dad first. All that jazz. etc etc.

No but for awhile some things CAN take a backseat to your children. Thats not always the case and it can be used as an excuse for not wanting sex, spending time with the spouse etc. Rarely are those situations truly ONE or the OTHER type scenarios. But when they are? Dont get in the way of a mama/papa bear.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

You mentioned North Cyprus, is that TRNC and if so is he from a culture that's not quite Western?

Where do you all live now?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Happilymarried25 said:


> You will always be second fiddle to his children and he has to be in contact with his ex wife because of the children they have together. He will choose them over you so don't argue or complain. This is the way it's going to be. You really have no say in what he does with the money he earns because you aren't contributing financially. You knew this was going to be your life when you married him. On the bright side the $90,000 will end when his children are out of school but odds are he will always be giving them money for something.


This is completely out of line! She is his WIFE, so she is his partner, working or not! She has every right to have a say in what goes on in their lives! 

I do agree though that she knew of all this sh!t before going into the marriage. Hence she never should have married him. 

OP, get a job and get this man out of your life. He has zero respect for you and this is what you have to look forward to forever should you stay.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

90,000...a YEAR???? For private high school (this isn't even college). That's 7,500 a month!!! No wonder there isn't money for anything else. Did you know this going into the marriage??


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I think for two kids, somewhere in Europe, sounds about average for high end


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

You made a mistake. How hard to separate, divorce?


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

john117 said:


> I think for two kids, somewhere in Europe, sounds about average for high end


I think the Op said they were in Boarding School so that is not an OTT amount. Day students here (Aus) cost $30k per child per yr. No way, not ever would I take my kids out of their schools just because I remarried.

One child in the OP is 17 so probably only a year or so before the fees drop by half.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Marc878 said:


> According to the OP that's the problem they can't afford it. The kids are now part of the total equation.


But how would the OP *know* that "they can't afford it" if she is kept in the dark regarding her spouse's income? 

I suspect that there is more to this story than what the OP is willing to share. One would assume that, since it's HIS income (prior to the marriage), he was/is aware of what he can actually afford. Is it possible that he is simply telling the OP some stories in order to keep her as dependent as possible?


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## 2ndbestalways (Jan 24, 2016)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Nomorebeans said:
> 
> 
> > OP, you say your husband (and his ex) were unfaithful in their marriage. Was he unfaithful with you? You calling her "vindictive" is very telling.
> ...



Firstly, NO HE WAS NOT UNFAITHFUL WITH ME! 

Secondly she wasn't very clever at hiding things and he didn't tell me his ex was unfaithful as he didn't need to, everyone knew because of the things she plastered all over social media, also I asked opinions not for hateful messages!!


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

2ndbestalways said:


> Firstly, NO HE WAS NOT UNFAITHFUL WITH ME!
> 
> Secondly she wasn't very clever at hiding things and he didn't tell me his ex was unfaithful as he didn't need to, everyone knew because of the things she plastered all over social media, also I asked opinions not for hateful messages!!


Simmer down. She wasn't being hateful. A simple, "No, he wasn't unfaithful with me, but I can understand why you might have drawn that conclusion" would have sufficed.


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## 2ndbestalways (Jan 24, 2016)

He is English as am I, him and his family lived in trnc for a few years as do we now as we can't afford to move back to the uk due to tax as can't afford to pay tax and school fees!!  

Everyone seems to make me out to be the ***** here but I've been nothing but supportive to him and his children

I just don't understand why he should have any contact with his ex wife unless there is an emergency!! 

I've had various jobs and my own business that I sold too so I'm not some stupid new wife type that a few of you are making me out to be, I had hoped this was a friendly share some wisdom page but I'm getting lots of negativity here!! 

I've had various friends of mine, whim are mothers all state our relationship and life should come first as its us being solid and happy that makes the situation better all round for the kids too!! 

I adore the kids it's just hard when the ex wife is so nasty!! Other women my husband was with before me were welcomed with open arms by here she just does everything in her power to spoil things and make it hard for me! 

Last year even the kids said she was out of order and backed y corner! 

I simply wanted some help was all as to how to sort things with my husband for the future and the long haul!! 



john117 said:


> You mentioned North Cyprus, is that TRNC and if so is he from a culture that's not quite Western?
> 
> Where do you all live now?


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## 2ndbestalways (Jan 24, 2016)

SecondTime'Round said:


> 2ndbestalways said:
> 
> 
> > Firstly, NO HE WAS NOT UNFAITHFUL WITH ME!
> ...



I've been busy and just read through a lot of these messages and many aren't what I would call supportive rather more like slamming me when you don't know the facts! 
I had hoped this was a friendly forum for advice and help not a negative group of people or saying negative things


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

2ndbestalways said:


> It's my husbands commitment to the private schooling and we have different beliefs on that and so he won't stop it for the sake of his kids which is fine I am more concerned about the hold his ex wife seems to have over him and the fact she's took him to the cleaners and still tries to dictate to him what he can and can't do


Even if they weren't in that school, he would still be spending all his money on them and his ex.

You are a convenience. He married you for what you give HIM.

Take some of his money and go see a lawyer and start an annulment or a divorce. There IS no way to make him want you.



> I just don't understand why he should have any contact with his ex wife unless there is an emergency!!


Because you set REALLY LOW standards for yourself when you dated and married him. You teach people how to treat you. You taught him that you are cheap - i.e., he doesn't have to give you much of anything, because...well...you don't DO anything about it.

Get a lawyer. Move out. Get alimony from him or whatever the lawyer can get, and move on. MAYBE, after you have moved out, he may realize what he's done and change. 

But it will NEVER happen while you are living with him and allowing him to treat you worse than dirt.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

2ndbestalways said:


> ... many aren't what I would call supportive rather more like slamming me when you don't know the facts!
> I had hoped this was a friendly forum for advice and help not a negative group of people or saying negative things


You don't know me and I don't know you. As far as the responders "slamming" you and being a "negative group" ... you are certainly entitled to your opinion, just as we are entitled to ours.

And you are right. We don't know all the facts. People are responding to what you are saying. If you don't like the answers, don't ask the questions.

JMO.


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