# Separated for 3rd time; I know it's best, but...



## mom43 (Aug 31, 2013)

My husband and I have been together for 18 years, married for 14. We have 3 beautiful daughters. He is active duty Coast Guard and has had a very successful career... while I have devoted my life to our children, my husband, and volunteering within the schools and the Coast Guard community. 
He has a terrible childhood filled with abuse, suicide, alcoholism, and PTSD... most of which didn't rear it's ugly head until well into our marriage. 
I have left him 3 previous times, but have always reconciled after 4-8 weeks of being away. For about the last 10 years, our marriage has been filled with his verbal, emotional, and mental abuse. I used to not engage in conflict or confrontation, but as I have grown as a woman and gained strength (or maybe just gotten sick of it), I have begun to stand up to his behavior. This, however, has only led to larger fights and slight physical abuse in the form of restraining. Additionally, my older girls have been subjected to rage, swearing directed toward me, threats of divorce, slamming doors, making holes in walls, etc. 
I became fearful of what might occur in the future, so I decided, after a few outrageous fights/acts of rage, that I needed to leave for both my safety and that of my girls. 
He moved out and the girls now see him on the weekends (since he is currently traveling for work). 

My biggest problem is that I am so profoundly sad that our marriage and our life hasn't turned into the life I had pictured for us. I miss him terribly as he is my best friend, but he doesn't treat me with the love and respect I deserve. 
To make it more difficult, I live in a new place (military move), and have no friends that weren't his friends FIRST. I feel so totally alone... my family thinks I'm crying wolf again and has pretty much left me to my own life.

I feel so angry that he has such a great career and I, as a well-educated woman, have put my "personal" advancement on hold to raise our children. Now that choice is backfiring on me and I haven't worked in almost 12 years. I feel like I have sacrificed myself for someone who doesn't, and never has, care about me. 

I guess I just needed to vent this, #1, and #2, I need some serious encouragement to enter a single life with three children.


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## JustGotDroppedABomshell (Aug 24, 2013)

You're not alone. You have three great kids, you must have friends and family on Facebook. You have people in the world, your current state, and maybe even your town that has the same problems as you. You may feel alone but trust me you're not. 

If someone doesn't treat you like a human being with the respect any human deserves them you need your space. I'm not sure if you respect yourself.

You're hurt cause you both experienced love, happiness, fear, sorrow, and hate. You have become emotionally invested. Like buying a house you don't want to give up after invested so much into it. You need some space to clear your head.I have the mentality that you should never give up on a marriage unless you fear for your life. I'm not sure if that is a concern for you.

If I had to guess you two are like fire and gasoline. You have so much resentment that you all are blinded by the bad and can't see the good. 

Not sure what you did before to fix things but they didn't work. You all need to do something different. Humans try to fix things and if not working they just try the same thing harder. It doesn't wodk. (Read divorce remedy for more info).

Take some time to clear your head. I started jogging. I pick a sound track that the lyrics don't mention anything about love or hate and have a great beat. I blast my headphones and just run. I run thru the pain and push myself. I felt great joy knowing that my eyes getting read from sweat, my legs burning, and the pain I was in was something I controlled. 

Hopefully someone here can give better advice that is more solution orientated than me. I'm still early in my journey of going thru a separation
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mom43 (Aug 31, 2013)

Thanks for the response, JGDAB. I spent all night reading others' posts and realizing that I sounded like a spoiled brat when I wrote that first post. 
I feel like I have tried everything. We've been to counseling numerous times and I have read self-help books about everything from alcoholism to verbal abuse to "what's wrong with me". I've walked on the eggshells and have watched in pain as my girls have heard the name-calling, the slamming doors, the punching walls, and the threats of divorce. 
He has had several EA in our marriage, and I'm not sure if he has actually cheated, but the trust isn't there. I don't even dare to look at a male, let alone flirt or talk to one, but he is constantly accusing me of wanting to cheat on him. (every member of his family has cheated on a spouse, so it's on his mind constantly). He even goes through my closet and bedside table if I'm not home... looking for things (not sure what!).
Anyhow, I flip back and forth from being angry and knowing I should leave, to missing our life together (when we did get along). The mourning of a life that I never really had is what I'm doing I guess. 
It feels good to just get thoughts out here... I'm nervous about writing in a journal because he has found it before and ripped out every page that had something about his treatment of me. I know I'm not alone, but the thought of being a single mom with three children sounds just as terrifying (in a different way) as locking myself in the bathroom while he rages outside the door.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

You're addicted to hopium.

See the relationship for what it is, not what you hope it is, or idealize it to be.

This is not a healthy relationship. You've given him three chances.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

mom43 said:


> It feels good to just get thoughts out here... I'm nervous about writing in a journal because he has found it before and ripped out every page that had something about his treatment of me. I know I'm not alone, but the thought of being a single mom with three children sounds just as terrifying (in a different way) as locking myself in the bathroom while he rages outside the door.


FOG keeps us in abusive relationships.

Fear

Obligation

Guilt

There are tons of single parents out there. Tons! If they can do it, so can you.

Up to this point, you have allowed him to treat you this way. When does it stop? When you decide.


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## mom43 (Aug 31, 2013)

Yup... Three Strikes, you are right. I know that in my head, but I have never been on my own before. I went from my parent's house to college to living with my husband. 
Every time I hear someone tell me that what I'm doing is a good choice, it makes me feel better about splitting up my family. My oldest is content - she no longer is fearful of making a mistake in her own house. The middle one (10), is having a hard time and cries a lot about missing Daddy. The guilt is hard to get through - but I know they will be better off in the end if we go our separate ways. 
I am willing to cooperate and co-parent... but it seems like 2 days ago, (after 7 weeks of communicating fairly well), he is giving me the silent treatment. I guess that's normal for emotionally abusive people - once they realize they can't control their spouse any longer. I've never been good at playing mind games or being mean... so I'm at a disadvantage big-time. 
I also am fearful that he'll stop paying bills. Up until now, he's been acting as usual with the finances. I haven't worked in 12 years, so if he decides to cut me off, I'll be screwed. VA doesn't recognize legal separation, so I feel like I have no leg to stand on. I know that I must have some rights; i guess I should keep researching it.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Go get a free consultation with a divorce attorney to educate yourself about the divorce laws in your state.

Some of your financial fears may be misguided.

Do you understand how warped your thinking is?

You are feeling guilty about ending an abusive relationship, when you should actually feel guilty about subjecting yourself* and your children* to all these years of abuse.

By staying in this abusive relationship, you are setting a bad example for your kids.

It's encouraging that you are finally seeing the light. I can tell you've had enough. 

Be strong.


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## MyPainandHurt (Aug 30, 2013)

Honey, I am military wife (Navy) as well and this is the 3rd time my husband has wanted to leave, and the 2nd time he has asked for a divorce. I understand.

Being alone on your own while you are traveling with your husband along the military road of life is tiring and often leave you feeling as though you have given up your dreams. But you don't have to give up anything!. Go back to school. What are you interested in? Have your thought of getting certified in a particular career? If you already have a college education and you just need to prove yourself by getting experience after being out of the workforce for 12 years, think about internships. it is not too late to get started. Think about starting a life for yourself. With or without your husband.

Take care.....


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