# Familly Issues



## DiZ (May 15, 2012)

I know this is a marriage forum. I feel safe here so I hope someone can help me with this.

I have a brother who is mentally ill. He is bipolar. He has caused so much pain for my parents and our family it would take me all night to tell all of the awful things he has done.

Here is the latest. He has decided to erase me from his life with the usual sentence: I have decided to get rid of all the negative things in my life.

Needless to say I am hurt. I have bailed him out of jail twice in the last 4 years. One for an assault charge and once for a shoplifting charge. I am so gullible that I believed his lies and stories for so long. He is such a charmer he can charm the birds out of the trees and that is what he did with me.

The shoplifting incident is what hurt me horribly. He swore up and down he did not take a diamond ring from Wal Mart. To my face he cried and told me he did not take it. I stuck by him, went to all his court dates with him. Then a few months ago he told me he had swallowed that ring and sold it after he pooped it out to a jeweler to pay for another ring for his no good girlfriend. I can't tell you what that did to me. He told me like it was no big deal. I got very upset at him, told him I have had it with him and he yelled back at me that he has always disliked my husband and yelled all kind of other hurtful things to me. I left his place and we did not talk for a few months.

He has a daughter and grand kids he barely sees. He is with a woman who has lost custody of her two kids and who fights with him to the point where the police have been involved with domestic abuse incidents. She leaves and comes back over and over again.

He constantly calls my parents for money only to find out he spends the money on illegal RX drugs and then he blames the drugs for how messed up he is. 

Today he send me an e mail out of the blue stating he no longer wants me in his life.

Why do I feel so sad? I should be glad to have him out of my life but he is my brother and I can't just forget that.

Thanks for listening. My parents are very old and they have been through so much with him, they are the ones I really feel sorry for. My brother is on disability and my parents give him money which only enables him to act irresponsibly. Bipolar to me is something that can be handled with the right medication or the right behavior patterns and therapy, all which he refuses to partake in.

Thanks for listening. I am crying and I hate wasting tears on him.


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## WEBELONG2GETHER (Jan 22, 2012)

Hi Diz, you are an amazing sister. You love your brother and stood by his side. You have not withheld help from him......but there comes a time when you have to walk away. 

Walk away with the intent of always loving your brother. if he needs a meal feed him and give him nothing more than that. Your conscious is clear and clean, you have done right by him.

Love him from afar and wait for him to come to his senses.

I have a brother just like yours. I have cried over him, helped him financially, and stood by his side. My conscious is free.

It is okay to be sad, he is family and you love him. That why we have tears...its okay to use them once in a while


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## EuphoricConfessions (Dec 20, 2012)

I am bipolar and my father and 4 of my brothers are bipolar. I can say from experience that the right medication can make a word of difference. I can imagine what kind of things your brother has put your family through.

You probably know this but.....you cannot help anyone who does not want help. The best thing you can do is give him some tough love. The next time he asks you to help him out, tell him no.


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## DiZ (May 15, 2012)

Thank you. I have tears in my eyes. This has caused me so much pain.

I have a daughter who is bipolar and I know first hand how hard it is. You wish it was different and you put up with people (like my husband) who do not understand mental illness, who think they can just "snap out of it" and it isn't that simple.

He knows I am here for him. I admit I do need a break from him and will distance myself for my own mental health and peace of mind.


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## DiZ (May 15, 2012)

EuphoricConfessions said:


> I am bipolar and my father and 4 of my brothers are bipolar. I can say from experience that the right medication can make a word of difference. I can imagine what kind of things your brother has put your family through.
> 
> You probably know this but.....you cannot help anyone who does not want help. The best thing you can do is give him some tough love. The next time he asks you to help him out, tell him no.



Yes, I did the tough love with my bipolar daughter. It was the only way to save my own sanity.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I'm sorry DiZ but want to tell you the pain gets easier with time & distance.

My younger brother (age 49) is a lifelong alcoholic who is also mentally ill. He was very toxic to me & my family, so sadly, I severed our relationship about 15 yrs. ago.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

DiZ, if your B has bipolar-1 as you describe, he likely has another disorder as well. A recent study (pub. 2008) found, for example, that half of the bipolar-1 sufferers also have full-blown BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Although I'm not a psychologist, I did live with a bipolar-1 foster son and BPDer exW for about 15 years. 

Based on that experience, I describe 12 differences between the behaviors of bipolar-1 sufferers and BPDers in *******'s thread. I suggest you look at it to see if many of your B's behaviors seem to be closer to BPD traits than to bipolar traits. My post is at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/anxiety-depression-relationships/59344-confused.html#post1175425.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Hi Diz. You're doing what you can. You're mourning loss of how you wish things could be and you have sadness about the way things are and you feel like you have no control to change anything which is true.

I'm glad you posted and we are listening.


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## DiZ (May 15, 2012)

Thank you all again. I can't tell you how much it means to me.

He also is with someone that is very toxic. Like I said she has lost custody of her small kids and is bi polar too. They argue very violently and then the police get involved. She leaves for weeks back to her mom, he is so lonely without her and gets more depressed and then she comes back. A vicious cycle. 

I have told him the first lady in his life should be his daughter and I think he knows I am right deep down but chooses these looser women instead. Their relationship is strained.

My folks have a lot of money and I will be executor to their estate and will be responsible for giving him his disability for his rent, etc. My mom is the payee now but she has asked if I will take over when they pass. My brother cannot be trusted with even his disability check. He would probably spend it all on drugs and then not have enough for rent. I want to honor their wishes but can't help but think they are enabling him totally. If he spends his check and doesn't have enough for rent then that is his problem. It may teach him something so we will always be tied to each other in this money issue. That is why I would rather have some kind of relationship with him but if it doesn't not happen I will just have to pay his rent and give him the rest as the will states. It's very difficult.

They also give him money for his cable bill and food and car insurance. This guy is 55 years old and mom and dad are still subsidizing his life. I will have to follow their wishes on this also but if he needs more I am not going to be writing him checks aimlessly until I know what it is for. I told him this and he blew his top and said how dare I talk to him like he is a child and I am his caregiver which is in essence what I will be.


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

BP is treatable on the right medication. I would stay out of his life until he treats his condition. Tell him he is hurting the ones he loves. I know my illness affects all my friends and family and I don't want to hurt anyone so I take my medication religiously.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

Diz, 

Your obvious love for and tolerance of your brother is admirable.

I have not had any first hand experiance with people who suffer from BP but my brother in law has schizophrenia so I do know how hard it can be to try and help those with a mental illness.

The one thing I keep coming back to is that it is an "illness" he did not chose to get it (although in my BIL case deciding not to take his meds does not help). As others have said you can't always help someone who does not want to be helped, that must come from them but you can let them know that you will be there for them when thay are ready to be helped.

As for becoming the payee for his disability cheque (and any inheritance) when your parents pass that is something you need to think about ASAP.

I will leave advise to those more qualified but please accept my prayers and best wishes.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Diz, it sounds like your taking over roll of what mom's been doing and he resents you just like he probably has resented them for many years. Blamed them for him being dependant. It's the way he solves problems by being an emotional bully and steamrolling over you so you'll do whatever he asks. So you'll assume the roll of taking care of him. He doesn't solve problems like normal adults anymore. He's your parent's frankenstein. They've enabled him to be what he's become. At his age all you can do it what you think is right and let everything else fall whereever it may. Chances are he'll learn you don't respond to emotional blackmail and will be easier to deal with after the initial year.


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## DiZ (May 15, 2012)

Everything that has been said is right on. My parents have created a monster only to ask me to take care of that monster after they pass. I will not do that. When the time comes I will have to ask the lawyer if he can get his whole inheritance in one lump sum. I refuse to spend the rest of my life being his caregiver. Also I will call disability and get my name off as payee of his checks and get his name on. Then he will be responsible for all the money and staying on disability and filling out forms he needs to fill out to stay on it. Disability makes you jump through more hoops now to stay on it with this bad economy. The problem is telling my parents that I am going to do this. I doubt I will even do that. Just do it on my own after. I am tired of dealing with his sh&*!! Thank you again for the wonderful advice.


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## DiZ (May 15, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> Diz, it sounds like your taking over roll of what mom's been doing and he resents you just like he probably has resented them for many years. Blamed them for him being dependant. It's the way he solves problems by being an emotional bully and steamrolling over you so you'll do whatever he asks. So you'll assume the roll of taking care of him. He doesn't solve problems like normal adults anymore. He's your parent's frankenstein. They've enabled him to be what he's become. At his age all you can do it what you think is right and let everything else fall whereever it may. Chances are he'll learn you don't respond to emotional blackmail and will be easier to deal with after the initial year.


You are RIGHT ON!! They have created a monster and he does resent them. They even leave me with money for him in case he gets in trouble. Then they tell them I have it and he calls me for it all the time. For the first time I said NO and it started this whole cycle of him not talking to me. Just because I did not run over his place with the money like I usually do he says I have changed and he is emotionally blackmailing me. He needs to take responsibility for his own money. If he can't pay the rent then that's his problem. If he ends up in jail for a felony and looses his disability that is his problem.

They winter in FL and we are in MI so they leave me with money in case he gets in trouble.


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## DiZ (May 15, 2012)

Wiltshireman said:


> Diz,
> 
> Your obvious love for and tolerance of your brother is admirable.
> 
> ...


I have thought long and hard and refuse to do what my parents have done. He can have the whole amount and get his own checks. If he can't pay his rent because he has spent it all on his no good girlfriend who is also on disability and bi polar oh well...

He refuses to take any meds. he has a medical marajuana (sp?) card and says a few puffs help him get down from manic but that can get expensive too. 

bottom line...I will not spend the rest of my life being his enabler. I deserve to be free and happy from his crap.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

DiZ said:


> I have thought long and hard and refuse to do what my parents have done. He can have the whole amount and get his own checks. If he can't pay his rent because he has spent it all on his no good girlfriend who is also on disability and bi polar oh well...
> 
> He refuses to take any meds. he has a medical marajuana (sp?) card and says a few puffs help him get down from manic but that can get expensive too.
> 
> bottom line...I will not spend the rest of my life being his enabler. I deserve to be free and happy from his crap.


The line gets blurry between cause and effect. Does being bi-polar cause his problems or has decades of being enabled made his bi-polar more debilitating or does he merely exhibit bi-polar symptoms from years of coddling. Based on how your parents have interacted with him I know where my opinion lays but at this point it does matter because he's not going to change much and he won't change at all if you do what mom and dad have always done for him. Enabling has a way of making people despise you while your try to help them.

I'm not a fan of the lump sum thing if it's not what your parents want; they want it distributed over time. Maybe set up a trust with the inheritance where monthly payments are made to him and once it's set up you have no part in it anymore and no control. Then wash your hands clean and say you abided by your parent's wishes with their money and end of subject. Show no guilt, feel no guilt.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

It's too bad that your parents want you to continue to be his caretaker after they pass. That is too much pressure to dump on you.

I agree with you - give him a lump sum & be done with it.

Finally, don't worry about his future as a potentially homeless bum living on the streets broke. He will survive somehow.

I am amazed that my brother is still alive.


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## DiZ (May 15, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> The line gets blurry between cause and effect. Does being bi-polar cause his problems or has decades of being enabled made his bi-polar more debilitating or does he merely exhibit bi-polar symptoms from years of coddling. Based on how your parents have interacted with him I know where my opinion lays but at this point it does matter because he's not going to change much and he won't change at all if you do what mom and dad have always done for him. Enabling has a way of making people despise you while your try to help them.
> 
> I'm not a fan of the lump sum thing if it's not what your parents want; they want it distributed over time. Maybe set up a trust with the inheritance where monthly payments are made to him and once it's set up you have no part in it anymore and no control. Then wash your hands clean and say you abided by your parent's wishes with their money and end of subject. Show no guilt, feel no guilt.


Yes I guess that would probably be a better idea.


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## DiZ (May 15, 2012)

Emerald said:


> It's too bad that your parents want you to continue to be his caretaker after they pass. That is too much pressure to dump on you.
> 
> I agree with you - give him a lump sum & be done with it.
> 
> ...


They are going to look into a trust fund situation. That will take it off me and he can't go to them to ask for more. It's my folks decision in the end. My brother needs to hit bottom. He has it made. He gets his disability checks, he gets a check from my folks every two weeks to subsidize his cable, etc., he has a nice place. He has nothing to complain about. It's 17 degrees out and I just saw a homeless man riding a bike. Let that happen to my brother and he may change his tune real quick. I just don't want my folks to have to pay someone a lot of money in the trust fund situation. They will have to decide for themselves but I do not want to be a part of it at all. I get a migraine just thinking about it and really deep down I have dreaded it for years.


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## Anabel (Dec 21, 2012)

As you know, the best and most loving thing you can do is stop protecting him. All the money in the world can't save him from some things. Mental illness unfortunately is one of them. Personally, I firmly believe that behavior like his is not a result of the bipolar disorder, but rather comes from his not being encouraged to make a living and otherwise support himself.

If the illness does progress and he becomes hospitalized against his will at some point, his best tools to battle the illness (and the system itself) will be his own resourcefulness, patience, and will-power. If he isn't given the opportunity in life to solve his own problems, it stands to reason he isn't likely to develop these skills. 

He may very well need a large sum of money in reserve in case it happens eventually that he truly can't work and needs at-home assistance. This would be the better use of your parents money, in my opinion.


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## DiZ (May 15, 2012)

Anabel said:


> As you know, the best and most loving thing you can do is stop protecting him. All the money in the world can't save him from some things. Mental illness unfortunately is one of them. Personally, I firmly believe that behavior like his is not a result of the bipolar disorder, but rather comes from his not being encouraged to make a living and otherwise support himself.
> 
> If the illness does progress and he becomes hospitalized against his will at some point, his best tools to battle the illness (and the system itself) will be his own resourcefulness, patience, and will-power. If he isn't given the opportunity in life to solve his own problems, it stands to reason he isn't likely to develop these skills.
> 
> He may very well need a large sum of money in reserve in case it happens eventually that he truly can't work and needs at-home assistance. This would be the better use of your parents money, in my opinion.


He is not working now. He hasn't since 96. He has been on disability since then. My mom got him on it. I think she saw it as a last resort to get him mostly out of their basement and their hair.

He has put himself in a mental hospital time and time again. All they do is drug him up and send him on his way. He will get into the system, see a therapist for awhile, then stop making his appts. and then back to square one.

I agree with you that his behavior is a result of being babied all his life. There are many many bipolar people who function in life with jobs, family, bills, life problems, etc. I am tired of him using his illness as an excuse for how he acts.


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## DiZ (May 15, 2012)

Another thing that scares me is his unpredictablity. My parents went to his apt unannounced once when they found out he and his girlfriend had an altercation and he kicked her out. They should not of gone there. He turned on them like you would not believe, yelling and screaming at them in the parking lot. They are in their mid 80's and should not be exposed to this kind of thing. 

Everyday in the news I see men who have all of a sudden killed their parents or their family. Then you hear but he was such a nice person! My brother is a nice person, he puts on a facade like he's this gentle, giving person but inside I feel there are hidden demons and resentments towards me and my parents. 

My mom has said things that lead me to believe something like this may not be outside the realm of possibility. God forbid...but I am trying to be sensible. It is almost like everyone has to tip toe around him to prevent an explosion. His girlfriend has even said living with him is like walking on eggshells. Just makes me very nervous. I was just looking out my window and thought to myself what would I do right now if I saw him storming up our drive way?


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

DiZ said:


> He turned on them like you would not believe, yelling and screaming....inside I feel there are hidden demons and resentments towards me and my parents.


DiZ, the extreme rage and temper tantrums you describe is more characteristic of BPD, not bipolar. As I said in post #7 above, half of bipolar-1 sufferers also have full-blown BPD.


> His girlfriend has even said living with him is like *walking on eggshells*.


The #1 best-selling BPD book (targeted to the abused spouses) is called _Stop Walking on Eggshells._


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## KeepLoveGrowing (Feb 1, 2013)

I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through with him, and it's so great of you to stick by him. I have a close family member who is very much the same. In my experience, All you can do is be there when they come back around and try not to take it as a personal insult.


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## Anabel (Dec 21, 2012)

DiZ said:


> Another thing that scares me is his unpredictablity. My parents went to his apt unannounced once when they found out he and his girlfriend had an altercation and he kicked her out. They should not of gone there. He turned on them like you would not believe, yelling and screaming at them in the parking lot. They are in their mid 80's and should not be exposed to this kind of thing.
> 
> Everyday in the news I see men who have all of a sudden killed their parents or their family. Then you hear but he was such a nice person! My brother is a nice person, he puts on a facade like he's this gentle, giving person but inside I feel there are hidden demons and resentments towards me and my parents.
> 
> My mom has said things that lead me to believe something like this may not be outside the realm of possibility. God forbid...but I am trying to be sensible. It is almost like everyone has to tip toe around him to prevent an explosion. His girlfriend has even said living with him is like walking on eggshells. Just makes me very nervous. I was just looking out my window and thought to myself what would I do right now if I saw him storming up our drive way?


Despite how "mentally ill" people are portrayed in T.V. and movies, there is in reality actually no higher risk of violent crime associated with illnesses like bipolar I and schizophrenia. If substance abuse is involved, there is a _slightly_ higher risk. 

Usually in cases where someone has "snapped" (which under severe enough stress can happen to anyone), when you hear from the family (not just neighbors and acquaintances), there were almost always signs, very loud and clear in retrospect. Does he make specific threats against your family and have the means to carry them out? Does he have a stockpile of weapons or a particular weapon that he flaunts and seems eerily attached to or preoccupied with? Does he hold a grudge against anyone to the point that he rants and raves about them irrationally and obsessively on the internet, in a diary, to family or friends, and so on? 

Also keep in mind that even in the midst of a psychotic episode, a person doesn't entirely lose touch with their innate personality. They may be very fearful and confused, for sure. But if they've never been aggressive in the past it's unlikely they'll suddenly turn homicidal.

Like you said, for your own sanity you really have to kind of back away from his problems. I'd suggest, if he calls you asking for financial help, or to manipulate or badger you, just end the conversation there. If he were to come to you asking for advice, such as: "Something happened to me and I'm not sure if I'm being rational about it.. Could you listen and tell me if you think my reaction makes sense logically?" In that kind of situation, if he were sincere, then you could maybe reconsider a relationship. Because he really does need a support system around him..everyone does. It just can't be the kind of thing where you're only there to serve as his punching bag.


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## Anabel (Dec 21, 2012)

DiZ said:


> He is not working now. He hasn't since 96. He has been on disability since then. My mom got him on it. I think she saw it as a last resort to get him mostly out of their basement and their hair.
> 
> He has put himself in a mental hospital time and time again. All they do is drug him up and send him on his way. He will get into the system, see a therapist for awhile, then stop making his appts. and then back to square one.


Too bad he's been out of work so long. There's many ways it could be of benefit to him.

Well, checking himself into a hospital is very different than being locked up. Still it isn't a great sign if he's been in and out of there often. He may be quite calloused to it by now.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

DiZ said:


> They are going to look into a trust fund situation. That will take it off me and he can't go to them to ask for more. It's my folks decision in the end.


Diz, does this mean the original frustration of your post is being addressed to some extent? If so then that's good news.

In regards to being afraid of this unpredictability, be alert and be careful and make if you're afraid then by all means keep your doors locked. Better safe then sorry. Likely if your parents set up how the moneys will be distributed and he knows you don't have an say over it then you won't be a target for his manipulation. For that matter he should think you're really strapped for and struggling financially so he doesn't start the steamrolling when he does have problems. Good luck.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> I'm not a fan of the lump sum thing if it's not what your parents want


I'm not sure I agree with this.

Parents created this mess, now it will be dumped on OP for the next 20-30 YEARS. She has had NO INPUT in developing or containing this mess, but she's supposed to 'dispose' of it according to THEIR wishes/ways.

If OP's MOM went and cleaned bro's house every week and bought him groceries, should OP be expected to clean his house every week and, using parents' money, stock his pantry as well. I think we'd all say, 'Oh, hell no!' Why? Because it is UNREASONABLE to expect OP to put herself out to such a degree JUST BECAUSE Mom always did and because the parents would like it.

Ditto for the doling out money. Just because that's how THEY did it, and just because THEY don't mind being treated like cr*p by bro every time they deal with him does NOT mean it is REASONABLE to expect OP to deal with him like parents would. If she'd just as soon be finished with him financially, I say:

*Do whatever YOU need to feel better about this situation, DiZ*. Doesn't matter what ANYBODY else thinks about it, they're NOT living YOUR life.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> I'm not a fan of the lump sum thing if it's not what your parents want; they want it distributed over time.
> 
> 
> SlowlyGettingWiser said:
> ...


You're right SGW. If they want to distribute the money a certain way then they should handle it in the will or before with out Diz having to make any decision and without her brother having any reason to make trouble with her.

I'm not very objective on this detail because my mother has deeded her property to me even though it's to be split among my siblings and I when she passes (I hope never). Since I respect what she wants done with property regardless of fairness (it's fair but it wouldn't matter), I'm projecting that to Diz's scenario but my situation and hers are not the same.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

DiZ said:


> When the time comes I will have to ask the lawyer if he can get his whole inheritance in one lump sum.


Why not ask the lawyer to set up an annuity that pays him a set monthly amount? That way you are not responsible but you protect him from himself.


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## DiZ (May 15, 2012)

Anabel said:


> Too bad he's been out of work so long. There's many ways it could be of benefit to him.
> 
> Well, checking himself into a hospital is very different than being locked up. Still it isn't a great sign if he's been in and out of there often. He may be quite calloused to it by now.


He has even admitted that being on disability has held him back. I feel even working part time would benefit him instead of sitting in his apt. with his gf watching Jerry Springer.


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## DiZ (May 15, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Why not ask the lawyer to set up an annuity that pays him a set monthly amount? That way you are not responsible but you protect him from himself.


Yes I have decided that would be for the best. A third party or annuity where he can get check maybe quarterly and cannot get more. 

I also do not want to be payee on his disability checks so maybe a lawyer can incorporate this?

I also do not want to be responsible for all paper work involved in him keeping up with his disability. They make you fill out a form once in awhile asking what he does with the money, how it is spent. I feel he can do that simple thing on his own. He can get medicaid and still has not gone to the office to apply. He procrastinates all the time but he has to do some of this stuff on his own without being held by the hand all the time.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

DiZ said:


> Yes I have decided that would be for the best. A third party or annuity where he can get check maybe quarterly and cannot get more.
> 
> I also do not want to be payee on his disability checks so maybe a lawyer can incorporate this?
> 
> I also do not want to be responsible for all paper work involved in him keeping up with his disability. They make you fill out a form once in awhile asking what he does with the money, how it is spent. I feel he can do that simple thing on his own. He can get medicaid and still has not gone to the office to apply. He procrastinates all the time but he has to do some of this stuff on his own without being held by the hand all the time.


The paperwork is the tough part. I did this for my schizophrenic nephew for a couple of years. It can be a good bit of work. I stopped doing it when he became belligerent to me. It’s a long story so I won’t go there. But I handed it over to his mother to do. There is no way that he could ever take care of this for himself. Is he on SSI?

It sounds like your brother would not be able to handle this paperwork himself either. Can he even manage his own money? Would he pay his rent? Or would he blow the money? 

If he ends up on the street will you be able to handle that?


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