# Bizarre Situation - Can't find anything that relates :\



## sos444 (Jul 14, 2012)

Hi there. I've been lurking here for almost 6 weeks. It's came to a point in my situation where I must ask for some input because i can't find anything that relates to my situation via Google.

A little background info - 

My husband of almost 7 years very much out of the blue ended our relationship. 7 months prior to this we moved away from our hometown to a city for his work and were blissfully (so I thought) happy in our lives.

My husband is an overly affection guy. He's always been incredibly dedicated to our family (we have two small children) and especially to me. There was never any arguments and no 3rd party has ever been involved. The main issues which I can see clearly now since our separation were money and a rut in our marriage. 

When he told me he was no longer happy with his life, I smiled, hugged him and told him we would be okay. We would full fill whatever he was missing and get through it. Three days later he had taken a suitcase and moved in with his brother and his brother's flatmate. During the week that followed he told me he didn't love me at all. I didn't even get the typical line 'I love you, i'm just not in love with you'. He was completely void of any feelings for me and had apparently faked our entire relationship. He mentioned more than once he was numb inside. He couldn't look at the children and he didn't want to see any of his friends.

I refused and still refuse to believe this. I went through every text message, card he had gave to me, photograph etc. etc. and there is no way he lied about his feelings to me. I decided his work and the move had simply became to much for him. He had become a hermit and his social life had came to a stand still. But I couldn't communicate with him. He couldn't take any pressure from me and so I moved back to my hometown to be around our friends and family but made sure he knew and understood how much I did love him and that I was there for him.

During his visits with the kids for the few weeks that followed, he would become affectionate. He'd need a cuddle and soon enough we'd end up having sex. During our entire relationship, his sex drive had always been on the lower side. Suddenly he was full of passion and he literally swept me off my feet only to turn instantly cold with me a few hours before he'd leave to go home. Everybody was surprised by his actions. It has never been in his nature to behave this way. He broke my heart several times during this period and I pulled out the 180. I got myself a flat in the town, reconnected with all of our friends and started going out more with the children - During this time he had arranged for his brother and the flatmate to move into our family home so he could afford to keep it but he was starting to tell me how much he missed me. Suddenly it was like he was the one who had the broken heart. I kept asking him why he wouldn't act on his feelings and he would say, 'I feel so much but my head knows it's not what I want. I can't explain it any other way. I just know'. And i'd become frustrated because clearly my world is only black and white. I've only ever acted on my feelings. Perhaps i'm simply naive? 

Some contact between us was very heated and at times nasty.. Other times he was desperately needy and lost. I spoke with his family about my concerns. He had started drinking all of a sudden and felt completely hopeless. With his sense of dry sarcasm he'd joke about suicide a few times and I pleaded with his family to take care of him because every time I tried to, he rejected me again. They thought I was bonkers. To them, he was perfectly fine. He was happier than ever. He was doing good.

One evening I got his family together and showed them the crazy and bizarre text messages and voicemails i'd received. Finally they believed me and confronted him. He finally admitted he had been lying to everyone including himself and we decided he was in need of therapy. 

A week ago he showed up at my flat and begged for us to try again. He told me no longer wanted to listen to this thought in his head and instead wanted to act on his true feelings. He wanted me but he wanted a fresh start. I gladly agreed. I love my husband so deeply. 

Now here is my concern - 

Everything with him now feels AMAZING. The passion is unbelievable. We have reflected on so much and although we are living separately with 2 hours between us, we are alternating visits and starting fresh. He has been so affectionate. It feels so right and natural but he hasn't said he loves me since the day before he ended our relationship 6 weeks ago. He has told me he believes he will fall back in love with me and I have told him that I won't settle for a loveless marriage. He has told me he can't lose me, that he is 100% committed. That he wants nothing else more in the world than me. So why can't he tell me he loves me? I've read about husbands/wives telling their other halves that they DO love them but can't be with them. I haven't found the opposite of this situation anywhere.

I still don't believe that he doesn't love me. The way he looks at me, holds me and kisses me. It's just right. Yet the knot in my stomach tells me something is very very wrong. If I voice these concerns he gives me very valid reassurance, but i've always trusted my instinct.

For 6 months we are continuing our living situation separately. I'm enjoying my new found independence and the children are so happy to be around people again. His new contract at the house with his brother is already in place so he can't leave the city anyway. But without the 'I love yous' or the living together, the lack of security is beyond frightening. It's not a trust issue. I trust him whole heartedly and vs verser. But it's surreal and it makes me feel a bit sick although we are very happy with the progress we have made.

Any insight would be very much appreciated. Sorry this is long. 

Thanks guys for reading.


----------



## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

Has he been to a doctor at all? He may be depressed. Depression can result in all kinds of bizzare behaviour, especially (IMO) in men.


----------



## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

ALWAYS trust your instincts. Don't settle or push yourself into something that your emotional intelligence is screaming at you to take a real look at.

As Bellavista mentions above, from your posts it sounds like your h has some really complicated and deep depressive issues. is he in therapy? continue to enjoy this distant relationship but don't look for security in somebody that is broken. He needs to do a ton of work in order to be the type of person that is going to be able to a good mate for you. That simple fact should take care of his needs and yours.

Best of luck. And be well.


----------



## sos444 (Jul 14, 2012)

Well, he agreed to, but as of yet he hasn't made an appointment. I am in the city staying Wednesday until Saturday and will be registering him at my surgery there and hopefully booking an appointment. He would happily show up for it but I guess registering and making the appointment is something he can't seem to get around to doing right now. 

I definitely agree with you about it maybe being depression. Is it possible for it to swing from one extreme to the other?

He suffers a lot with chest pains, shortness of breath and horrendous aches and pains. He's 26. It runs in his family, along with NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder)


----------



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I don't mean to sound negative, but are you sure he isn't seeing someone else? That's basically how my estranged husband did me. He said he hadn't been happy in a very long time. Furthermore, he said he wasn't in love with me. He even went on to say he worked every day that he could get because he never wanted to be around me. It was so bizarre and contradictory. In reality everything had been fine UNTIL he met someone (without responsibilities).

A co-worker years ago had a similar problem. At the time she and her husband had two small children and another one on the way. Out of the blue, he just left telling her that he never loved her. He worked for the railroad and would be away from home a lot. It seems most of his crew members were single. Apparently he got it in his head he wanted to be like them. He also started doing drugs and being one of the guys. Family intervention was what finally brought him back to reality and his wife and children.

Hope you find answers.


----------



## sos444 (Jul 14, 2012)

Orpheus said:


> ALWAYS trust your instincts. Don't settle or push yourself into something that your emotional intelligence is screaming at you to take a real look at.
> 
> As Bellavista mentions above, from your posts it sounds like your h has some really complicated and deep depressive issues. is he in therapy? continue to enjoy this distant relationship but don't look for security in somebody that is broken. He needs to do a ton of work in order to be the type of person that is going to be able to a good mate for you. That simple fact should take care of his needs and yours.
> 
> Best of luck. And be well.


Thank you. It's difficult to know how to handle this feeling I have. It could be a bad feeling about the whole situation or it could be apprehension because of such recent hurt etc.

It seems he is definitely broken right now. He has always been such a stable person. I guess it's weird feeling like the person i've known inside and out for so many years is suddenly very different. 

Thank you again


----------



## sos444 (Jul 14, 2012)

827Aug said:


> I don't mean to sound negative, but are you sure he isn't seeing someone else? That's basically how my estranged husband did me. He said he hadn't been happy in a very long time. Furthermore, he said he wasn't in love with me. He even went on to say he worked every day that he could get because he never wanted to be around me. It was so bizarre and contradictory. In reality everything had been fine UNTIL he met someone (without responsibilities).
> 
> A co-worker years ago had a similar problem. At the time she and her husband had two small children and another one on the way. Out of the blue, he just left telling her that he never loved her. He worked for the railroad and would be away from home a lot. It seems most of his crew members were single. Apparently he got it in his head he wanted to be like them. He also started doing drugs and being one of the guys. Family intervention was what finally brought him back to reality and his wife and children.
> 
> Hope you find answers.



Thank you for your reply. I at one point almost wished he had met somebody else to justify his actions but it's not the case. The guy can't even handle a trip to the cinema with his friends anymore. My mother works with him (they run franchises) so i'd know if he was lying about work. He never left the house to be honest when he wasn't working. Even with encouragement he wouldn't go out. Said he was tired a lot and we'd just cuddle and watch tv every day. 

I have wondered if he wanted to end what we had so he had the possibility of meeting someone new though. He has issues with self esteem though so would find it very difficult to meet anybody now.


----------

