# Next week would have been 9 years... More for you than for me:



## Anooniemouse (May 5, 2010)

Due to the difficulty of being accepted into pharmacy school, I ended up away a lot. This wasn't a problem as I still was able to come home on weekends. Got 2 C's and got booted from the program, and had to do something else. Big disappointment to me. Plus losing my two best friends at the same time, and another close friend to suicide in a period of 6 months put me into a real nasty funk. So there is some context to what happened. Indirectly, something I did led to one of their deaths -- even if I didn't cause it -- I still have some guilt about it, even now. I've lost my 4 best friends in the world. 3 are dead and one I lost to betrayal. 

I never cheated on her, and for the first 5 years of our relationship and 2 years of marriage I believe she didn't. After that is a big question mark

Things I learned the hard way. 
*
Unless you have video, they wont come clean.* Even to this day she denies things I have absolute proof of but didn't show her because I already had all of the proof I needed for me. The test for me was: Honesty. Come clean with me, and the odds are I would have forgiven and moved on. 

*If you see something that looks wrong, don't ignore it even if the explanation seems right ... * "You are gone so much of the time I reorganized the closets for me to make it right, too much clutter..." yeah, and there were two marks where the family photos wall was too when I deep cleaned. Don't ignore stuff like this. 

*Unless you are a masochist -- you don't really want to know the details. Having it will give you some peace of mind in rare circumstances, but it will also make you *very* bitter, and this is something I struggle with now. She doesn't know it, but I actually have video & audio ... Its NOT pretty, it pisses me off beyond anything you can ever imagine pissing you off in your lifetime, and I feel like really bad things if I watch it ... Stop the torture and burn the bloody thing unless you are in a state where its legal, and judges use it to your benefit (nowhere in the US I know of!) * There are things in those recordings which hurt me to no end. 

*Don't let your faith blind you or give the benefit of the doubt if you have a question. * Trust is a virtue, but so is paranoia. God gave us paranoia for a reason. Gut instincts are painful to suppress, and exist for a reason. Don't get sucked into "You either trust me or you don't." ... Which many a Christian man/woman has used to cover up a multitude of sins. 

*Don't trust in confronting the issue at the beginning...* Play nice, but be vigilant ... The truth is, unless you have hard proof they will just go underground and cover their tracks better. 

*Sudden changes in plans and habits are worth investigating...* The recordings I have coincided with those sudden changes in plans, and a sudden change in habits. Even though I was on the road, she switched from 9-10pm on being our time to talk to suddenly only answering in the day. I have to travel to do what I do. 

*Things that should alert you, but could be nothing...* Going to the gym. <-- It is a sad state of affairs that many women/men will do this for a new flame/to attract a new flame but wont do it for their health or for you. She develops an interest it should alert you to look for awhile... Maybe its innocent, maybe its not. Coming from a health care field I gave it TBD, and I shouldn't have.

*You notice publc sings of you disappearing* The first of thoe was the family wall...The second, and this should have tripped alarm bells -- I noticed FB posts disappearing a week after I posted them.

Never ignore what you think might be a problem. Never pretend its all okay for families (they can be your greatest allies ...even on her side of the family). Never show your true hand..

if she comes cleanm, if you have more...You know she isn't, and its time for more drastic action...

Never expect them to come clean without a hint you already know.. My lawyer advised me never to show what I know. I'm getting divorced this month with or without it and it allegedlya wont affect the outcome. The total minus to me (*I use mint to track) is -53,894 ....Relationships are expensive. 

I will see what that equals when I am done with it, but I am done with it


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Sorry man.

By the way, you might want to update the "Biography" portion of your public profile...

"I am lucky to be with one of the most amazing women in the world. She is a gift from God, and I want to keep her. I came here during a rough patch, and I've learned much from the folks here good & bad."


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

Anooniemouse said:


> *Unless you are a masochist -- you don't really want to know the details. Having it will give you some peace of mind in rare circumstances, but it will also make you *very* bitter, and this is something I struggle with now. She doesn't know it, but I actually have video & audio ... Its NOT pretty, it pisses me off beyond anything you can ever imagine pissing you off in your lifetime, and I feel like really bad things if I watch it ... Stop the torture and burn the bloody thing unless you are in a state where its legal, and judges use it to your benefit (nowhere in the US I know of!) * There are things in those recordings which hurt me to no end.


I needed and got all the little details and I am not a masochist...I just had to know exactly what had to be forgiven and also every detail of the tryst had to be exposed and told by her, nothing to be kept secret or known only by her and the AP. thats the way it had to be with me.....did the details anger me? you bet, for a few months, but not anymore....I couldnt have done it w/o knowing all the details.....physical and emotional.

I dont know if I could have handled a video of it thou, thats a tough one man....sorry it didnt work out and wish you the best, you probably didnt deserve this.....


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

I am sorry you are hear brother. You posted some good advice. I am sorry you had to learn it the way you did. God bless in your future. Relationships are not the bad thing, relationships with bad people are bad.


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## KingwoodKev (Jan 15, 2015)

CantBelieveThis said:


> I needed and got all the little details and I am not a masochist...I just had to know exactly what had to be forgiven and also every detail of the tryst had to be exposed and told by her, nothing to be kept secret or known only by her and the AP. thats the way it had to be with me.....did the details anger me? you bet, for a few months, but not anymore....I couldnt have done it w/o knowing all the details.....physical and emotional.
> 
> I dont know if I could have handled a video of it thou, thats a tough one man....sorry it didnt work out and wish you the best, you probably didnt deserve this.....


In the spirit of full transparency and starting with a foundation of 100% truth I also demanded to know every little detail. When I got them I wanted to vomit. I guess in the long run it's for the best that I know but it caused me massive emotional trauma. Trauma to the point where we're doing well beginning our R but haven't been intimate yet. For over a year the thought of being intimate with her made me nauseous and filled with disgust. Now I know it's going to happen but the time it'll take was driven by knowing every little detail.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

CantBelieveThis said:


> I needed and got all the little details and I am not a masochist...I just had to know exactly what had to be forgiven and also every detail of the tryst had to be exposed and told by her, nothing to be kept secret or known only by her and the AP. thats the way it had to be with me.....did the details anger me? you bet, for a few months, but not anymore....I couldnt have done it w/o knowing all the details.....physical and emotional.
> 
> *I dont know if I could have handled a video of it thou, thats a tough one man....sorry it didnt work out and wish you the best, you probably didnt deserve this.....*


*Oh, I could have handled a film of my rich, skanky XW's sexual escapades with "Li'l Lord Lardass on one of her world famous roadtrips!"

Now while initially watching it would either be causing me to greatly flucuate somewhere between sheer physical sickness and uncontrollable laughter, once I regained my composure, I know that I would greatly feel much better about it when I had successfully finished sending out a copy of it to all of her family members and friends! 

And maybe even to the clergy who performed our wedding vows!*


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Good advice. Some people seem to think that if you simply sit them down and talk to them, that you will get full disclosure right away and no TT. It's rare, but the exception to the rule.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

So what is the situation like now? Together or divorced?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Sorry to hear about your disappointments, especially the loss of your friends. It is better to walk away with dignity in situations such as yours rather stay in a marriage that is miserable. I wish you the best.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Anooniemouse, thanks for posting that.

If you haven't yet, going to a good therapist can help with all the trauma. I am especially referring to the loss of your friends and your feeling of guilt. Your wife's infidelity is also a trauma which can be helped with good therapy.


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## Anooniemouse (May 5, 2010)

I'm doing divorce care at a different church. I switched churches just so I don't have to run into mutual acquaintances. Don't really like the new one. 

My divorce is finalized now. Most of the cash lost is from being upside down on a house. We did the mediation thing, and just had what was worked out. That reduced my total out to a little less, but its still a painful pill to swallow. It doesn't bankrupt me, but it wipes out a good deal of my savings, and I'll be paying the rest over the next 5 months. When that stops I'll feel a little more free. 

I don't like where I am living, but I guess I'm stuck here a little bit longer. These rental apartments have a ton of divorced guys in them. Lots of cool stuff to do if it was summer, but nothing for the middle of winter. 

I'm still not where I want to be. I stuck every email and anything else electronic I wanted to save in an encrypted vault. Stuck any notes, letters, reminders in the same. The hardest thing for me is the ring. It still feels wrong to me to not be on my finger. 

It was a great ride for much of the first 7 years. So some of those things as still tender to me. I do understand her, but I don't like what she did, and where this puts me. 

It wasn't the video so much as things said during, and other recordings. I feel a little sorry for him in a way, because the negative traits in her are a lot stronger right now, and it will be his problem to deal with if they are still together (didn't ask). She has told me she broke it off, and who really knows. 

She still put a hint out there of reconciliation yesterday -- REALLY?!? I am in no mood at the moment to hear it. The whole thing kind of irritated me, and in a moment of anger I put a lot of things on the BBQ to watch them burn when I got home. 

I did a little dance today with the I can wake up and have anything I want, do whatever I want today, and no one can say jack about it. Still in that little bit of post craziness, and I know it. I'm not hunting right now, but still have that craving for comfort and what not that tempts me to some maybe self-destructive things. The easy path seldom works out. I finished a good bottle of bourbon with a few not as close friends in a post divorce party. Helped a little bit, but back on the road Sunday night. Probably would be happier working than off for a few days. I still have to go by and pick up some more stuff. Mostly stuff that I really don't have anywhere to put, so I have to figure that out. I no longer have to mow lawns or tend to outdoor decorations and a lot of it is tools for that, ladders, and power tools. I guess its going in a storage locker. I would love to do it when she isn't there ... but can't do that. It should be the last time I have to deal with her.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

I am sorry you are here. It is so much better to go through life being genuine and only accepting genuine people in your life. You are on the right path and you are doing very well. Good luck and God Bless brother!


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

It's going to take time to readjust but so far you seem to be handling it well. 

I went through it twice and I found out that if you can keep your mind occupied with your work or hobbies it can be real helpful. Once you start dwelling on the coulda, woulda shoulda things it just makes it worse.


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## Anooniemouse (May 5, 2010)

6301 said:


> It's going to take time to readjust but so far you seem to be handling it well.
> 
> I went through it twice and I found out that if you can keep your mind occupied with your work or hobbies it can be real helpful. Once you start dwelling on the coulda, woulda shoulda things it just makes it worse.


No doubt on that. Being busy helps the most. The worst time I have is when I'm driving as I do some fairly long drives and time to think. So I started using books on tape (yes, my truck still has a functional tape player!) to learn something rather than just the radio or silence and my thoughts. I'm sure I'll deal with some of it 6 months or 2 years down the road, but in the immediate part of me is still reeling a bit if I let my head go there. 

She still put out another reconciliation feeler... Ugh! Part of me thinks its the Christian hangup on divorce for her. I don't feel broken because of it, just broke! The reconciliation thing with her just brought up a lot of bad feelings, as did some stuff I found when I went over to pick up tools and went looking for a few other things I couldn't find. My first thought was: Come stay in my ***** apartment while you enjoy the house I can't. So **** me, right? Yeah! There is some genuine anger there I'll eventually let go of, but for now it exists. I just try to process it and let it go after I do as best I can. Some days are better than others. I don't hate her so much as this wasn't in my plans, it just hit something I couldn't and wouldn't accept. 

I didn't have a great plan B, and its just a lot of harsh economic things at the moment I have to deal with. Going to hurt when I pay taxes this year ... I lived cheap before, but I feel a little like I'm too old for some of the stuff I'm having to do at the moment. Did some math on my tools and locker. If I can sell the stuff for half of what I paid for it, I'm better off to just sell anything I can't store here rather than keep the locker for the time its going to take me to get into a house again. 

As a parting gift of sorts ... I discovered she was buying gift cards here and there to tuck money away hidden while married going back at least 4 months before I became aware of any affair or anything else. Found a couple receipts when I was picking up my tools and searching for a few items. One more little thing that makes me wonder how long she had her plans and makes me think she was in the planning stage a bit longer. These were not "gifts" for anyone, she never planned for that and did all of that stuff last minute. ha ha I wonder what all of that adds up to. No real way for me to figure it out, but I'm estimating another 2-3K. Could be more, could be less. Its not like I would notice $50 at Kohls. $40 at Target, $50 at Walmart or $25-50 at the supermarket here and there. Do that a couple times per week for 6 months and could easily sock away 2-3K or more. I saw about 5 different receipts leading back 4 months or so before I became aware and before any of her extra martial stuff even started. Had the same feeling in my heart you get when pulled over by a cop speeding. That made me want to drink for a bit, but I resisted that urge and was just happy to get stuff out and hope I can live without whatever stuff I couldn't find.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Anooniemouse said:


> ---
> She still put out another reconciliation feeler... Ugh! Part of me thinks its the Christian hangup on divorce for her.
> 
> ---
> ...


Have to wonder about that duality. I'm glad I acted quickly after dday 2 or I would have been in the same boat I'm sure. She was pretty broken up about me asking for the divorce, even got institutionalized as a suicide risk. But now that the D is final and I didn't leave her a pauper laying in the gutter she is happy as a clam. 

Actually worked out pretty good for us. I'm in the house with the kids, and she is in an apartment a couple towns over living the single life I suspect she always wanted.

I'm sorry to hear the money troubles got you down. Just look forward to the fact it doesn't last forever. Sounds like you'll be free soon enough. I'm okay with the fact she got most of the assets, as it frees me to build fresh. Everything I grow from here forward won't have her taint on it.


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## Anooniemouse (May 5, 2010)

Acoa said:


> Have to wonder about that duality. I'm glad I acted quickly after dday 2 or I would have been in the same boat I'm sure. She was pretty broken up about me asking for the divorce, even got institutionalized as a suicide risk. But now that the D is final and I didn't leave her a pauper laying in the gutter she is happy as a clam.
> 
> Actually worked out pretty good for us. I'm in the house with the kids, and she is in an apartment a couple towns over living the single life I suspect she always wanted.
> 
> I'm sorry to hear the money troubles got you down. Just look forward to the fact it doesn't last forever. Sounds like you'll be free soon enough. I'm okay with the fact she got most of the assets, as it frees me to build fresh. Everything I grow from here forward won't have her taint on it.


I'm working on it. I'm a little off the rails today ... I would love to say I'm at that perfect point of zen, but I would be lying through my teeth or heavily medicated to be there. Its a different anniversary ... Other things I just don't even have the heart to go into ... Just a hard day to be alone, and if I'm able to sleep tonight -- I'll try to make sure I'm not tomorrow. At least I'm not stuck in some shady motel tonight. 

I have that awful rock in the chest feeling. I wish I didn't, but its there. I got a mess of kicks to my testicles from life in a row, going on about 9 in a row over a very short period of time. Some of it I don't need swirling in my head, but its there. This is more about the deaths of friends, but sometimes the grief all blends together and loss of a lot of dreams at once. Friends, school, job, home, woman, dog, step-kids, money, uncle, parents ... 

You are probably right about stuff. I hate my replacement stuff because I had to compromise due to budget at the moment -- and its something I disdain and always have. I look forward to donating this stuff to goodwill when I can afford to replace it with what I really want. I'm "functional" but its like good gawd I'm living worse rougher than I did when I was 22, and @)*$ me I know the difference. First item is some good cookware and some decent knives. I miss my kitchen! Its just stuff, but it took me awhile to accumulate those $200 pans and cutlery and other stuff. I couldn't even take the breadboard - the last thing I made with my dad -- it was a gift to her. I miss not having my collie by my side. I can get another dog, but I would have given up nearly anything to have him ... I just couldn't do it where I was at. I'm hoping she will give in on that one when I get settled, but who knows he is happy enough. For him I genuinely weep like a child. At least someone on this earth was happy to see me. He was insanely so when I went to pick up some stuff. I just put my arms around him and cried and he kept trying to lick it away as he has some weird thing about water on me and need to groom me. He will be well cared for and has the kids, but ... He really was my saving grace so many of those days. You can't ignore the kind of love a long haired collie gives you for long, they don't allow it. 

As far as reminders go. Of her its reduced to what fits inside a typical case of paper box. I'm sure my new neighbors didn't appreciate it, but my bonfire of nearly everything she ever gave me to cut down on that. Seriously, the only thing I have that gives me the hard reminders for her are the ring, and a Keeley Proco Rat (awesome distortion pedal BTW). For her -- there is a reminder in every single room of the house, and even when she pulls in the driveway or the backdoor. I'll admit to having had a little bit of a vindictive laugh at "Find out what this stuff costs to take care of on your own!" when I left...but unfortunately, I'm paying for that right now. Some dark humor in that. Don't mock God, he has a dark sense of humor too. However, she has my dog -- and that one breaks my heart. 

She is genuinely serious about reconciliation. I don't know if she picked a good or a bad day to do what she should have done 9 1/2 months ago and save us both a lot of grief, anger, resents, mistrust, and money. As much as I have a good deal of contempt for some of her stuff -- I do genuinely love and care for her. She put a human enough face on her failing, and came clean finally with everything in full, and even a few things I didn't know. I don't know if she just needed to or she if she finally woke up one day and remembered I once moved an entire continent away over the betrayal and verity issue and gave up everything to do it. I wasn't married to her, so it was easier, but damn did I cry my heart out coming back to this country the first time I saw litter on the ground. I've been through worse as far as the "shock" to the system from K. 

I know that rock sitting in my chest will leave. I remember how long it took the last time. At least this time I don't have that absolute hatred of all women feeling. See a lot of guys in the divorce care group that are at that point, and I get it but its screwed up and doesn't help. Some of it is good knowledge - but it wont help. I can forgive K, but I don't think I can ever get to a point where I can have that "I can count on you" trust and verity with her. 

I know its hurting badly for her too. There are a few things I would take back if I could, but I went 9 years with only raising my voice to her once. Even through the 10 level intensity of all of this I never did. Doesn't mean I didn't go outside and scream my head off, cry, drink too much, do other things ... Nothing was going to numb that out, but it just ate away every day with lies. Its human, but man I'm disappointed in her. 

Its one of those days I want to reach for people who just aren't here anymore. Just good male companionship. There is no one I'm really close to like that anymore. Its a problem, and I'm working on fixing it but I haven't found what I'm looking for or they haven't found me.


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