# 16 Years Together Since 16 and 19 Years Old Married 8 Coming To An END! PLEASE HELP!



## Awethentik (Sep 30, 2021)

So I and my wife were together for 16 years and have been through quite the roller coaster. We've always been best friends through every issue we've had even when the relationship wasn't working or we'd break up to be with someone else or whatever we always were there for each other as friends no matter what happened. Our friendship has been amazing up until these last 6 months. We've had an open marriage and have been going out to the same bar for about 2 years now every weekend to dance and hang out. Well in May of this year we were open and I met some girl at that bar from Charlotte who I immediately connected with and was amazing, she actually ended up coming back to my town and staying in an air bnb to see if the connection and feelings were real. It was exciting fresh and amazing something I haven't felt sexually or emotionally with my wife in 10+ years. After two months we ended things and my wife had slept with another guy during the time I was with my girl at the time. During all this she met a black guy who is a bouncer from the bar we go to about around the same time I met the girl I was with and they were just talking as friends well in July to around mid-September she moved back in for about a month to try and see if she could catch feelings and fall back in love well she didn't and she said she needed time and space and that's when I found out space was her going to this bouncers house and staying with him and having sex with him. She lied to me for a few days about who he was then I found out cause I know the guy as well and ever since this past week shes been living with him she even got on birth control so they could have unprotected sex and shes telling me how her feelings for this guy are amazing and the sex is better than we ever had and that she really likes this guy and could even see herself marrying him someday that they're goofy and have fun together all the time and are the same person. We are separated right now and in the process of divorcing because in SC you have to be separated for a year to divorce. I am hurt so bad because I know the relationship we've had has been toxic and this needs to end right now but I am scared to lose our friendship forever and be in each others lives as friends as we've always been and she says she wants the same but I just can't get past this guy and how she moved on so quick even though she says she's been checked out mentally for 8-10 months now. I still love her I want her back but idk what to do. Should I try to be here as a friend and let her do her own thing and let her make the mistakes with this rebound and regret. I know she will regret all this and all this fresh exciting new enjoyment she is getting will end because you can't go from 16 years with someone and immediately after knowing someone for only 4-5 months and just recently talking as more than friends and having sex, it just doesn't seem realistic and seems like a rebound. We care about each other as friends and love each other as friends, she's not in love with me anymore but I know this marriage is doomed because of how tainted and toxic it is. I just hope that someday in the future I can change to be a better person and become that person she always wanted me to be and maybe she will see that and give me a second chance at a completely clean slate. Any advice would be great, thanks so much!


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Stings got you covered, so set her free.


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Is this really a surprise? You have an open marriage. For most people it is impossible to have sex without an emotional connection, and if it wasn't there to begin with it will develop more with every sexual encounter. Every time you or your wife had sex with someone else was like playing Russian Roulette. It was only a matter of time before one of you fell in love with someone else. 

Just let her go and find someone else to be with. You've already been practicing.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You both enabled this to happen by bringing others into your marriage. Hopefully you have learnt a hard lesson and understand now how vital faithfulness is. 
It may or may not work out but you both had other relationships so not sure why you are at all surprised. 
Let her go and hopefully you will give yourself time to mature before getting involved with anyone else.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Awethentik said:


> Well in May of this year we were open and I met some girl at that bar from Charlotte who I immediately connected with and was amazing, she actually ended up coming back to my town and* staying in an air bnb to see if the connection and feelings were real.* It was exciting fresh and amazing something I haven't felt sexually or emotionally with my wife in 10+ years.


So, the connection and feelings weren't real? If they had been, when would you have dumped your friend/wife?

You're just singing the blues because your wife has a new love and you don't. I'm betting you would have dumped your friend/wife in a heartbeat if the 'amazing' girl from Charlotte had panned out. 

My advice is to reconsider the concept of an open marriage. You're getting a little long in the tooth to play make believe.


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Blondilocks said:


> So, the connection and feelings weren't real? If they had been, when would you have dumped your friend/wife?
> 
> You're just singing the blues because your wife has a new love and you don't. I'm betting you would have dumped your friend/wife in a heartbeat if the 'amazing' girl from Charlotte had panned out.
> 
> My advice is to reconsider the concept of an open marriage. You're getting a little long in the tooth to play make believe.



*This for emphasis!! *

To OP: How hypocritical of you to be all sad now that she's done what you were most likely going to do to her if your amazing connection would have panned out 



Awethentik said:


> *I met some girl at that bar from Charlotte who I immediately connected with and was amazing, she actually ended up coming back to my town and staying in an air bnb to see if the connection and feelings were real. It was exciting fresh and amazing something I haven't felt sexually or emotionally with my wife in 10+ years.
> *




Moreover, you should go back and examine your manhood, because no man that calls himself a man shares his wife with anyone male or female. You may think you love your wife and that she's your best friend, but in reality is neither. If you really were in love with your wife you wouldn't share her; if she really were your best friend you wouldn't do to her what you were going to do with that amazing girl from the bar, and she wouldn't do what's she's doing to you right now. So, no, you two are not really best friends either.


----------



## Awethentik (Sep 30, 2021)

Rob_1 said:


> *This for emphasis!! *
> 
> To OP: How hypocritical of you to be all sad now that she's done what you were most likely going to do to her if your amazing connection would have panned out
> 
> ...


I agree with that, but idk we were working on the marriage for about a month and were living together again but then all the sudden this guy she met as a friend from the bar they were texting non stop for 4 months and now shes all into her feelings with him saying how amazing the sex is and how her feelings are just different with this guy which blows my mind cause if its so much better why did we last 16 years?


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Awethentik said:


> and now shes all into her feelings with him saying how amazing the sex is and how her feelings are just different with this guy which blows my mind cause if its so much better why did we last 16 years?


Given that most people at best are average at sex, and many are quite frankly mediocre at it even with decades of experience. Not everyone experiences great sex, even if they have been with a number of people. So finding amazing sex after 16 years, isn’t as surprising as you think it is.


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Awethentik said:


> I agree with that, but idk we were working on the marriage for about a month and were living together again but then all the sudden this guy she met as a friend from the bar they were texting non stop for 4 months and now shes all into her feelings with him saying how amazing the sex is and how her feelings are just different with this guy which blows my mind cause if its so much better why did we last 16 years?


I'm curious, how many sexual partners did you have during those 16 years, and how many for your wife?


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Awethentik said:


> I agree with that, but idk we were working on the marriage for about a month and were living together again but then all the sudden this guy she met as a friend from the bar they were texting non stop for 4 months and now shes all into her feelings with him saying how amazing the sex is and how her feelings are just different with this guy which blows my mind cause if its so much better why did we last 16 years?


Obviously you two were already long in the tooth as evidenced by her quick departure from the relationship. It probably was just a half hearted effort from her part from the very beginnings to see if something would come out, which it didn't. If it wasn't the dude from the bar it could have been anybody else at any other time before or after. 

One thing is for sure, dudes that share their woman, eventually lose the woman respect for them. Once a woman loses respect for her man, the castle made of cards starts to tumble down: feelings, intimacy, togetherness, respect as a man, respect as the leader, etc., goes away. They not longer look at you as that alpha male, they look at strong alphas and then they go for them, because how can you be a strong man of character when you are more than willing to share her? this is what they all eventually even if subconsciously realize.

So, if you have any self respect within yourself left, then move on. Or would you want to keep getting sloppy seconds?


----------



## Awethentik (Sep 30, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I'm curious, how many sexual partners did you have during those 16 years, and how many for your wife?


2 Girls and that was when we were broken up years ago and then 1 with the Charlotte girl. Her she had sex with 3 guys even when I was with the Charlotte girl she was seeing another dude she met 2 weeks before I met the Charlotte girl I failed to mention that. She was the one that always went and did the things with the openness I never truly did it until May with Charlotte. She just told me after trying again beginning of this month one day she needed space to see if she misses me and that space was me finding out shes sleeping with a guy from the bar we all go to who bounces and now apparently she has deep feelings for him according to her and her feelings are different than it ever was with us and shes basically already moved in with this guy she stays at his house every day and goes to his work on weekends and hangs out til he gets off at 4am.


----------



## Awethentik (Sep 30, 2021)

Rob_1 said:


> Obviously you two were already long in the tooth as evidenced by her quick departure from the relationship. It probably was just a half hearted effort from her part from the very beginnings to see if something would come out, which it didn't. If it wasn't the dude from the bar it could have been anybody else at any other time before or after.
> 
> One thing is for sure, dudes that share their woman, eventually lose the woman respect for them. Once a woman loses respect for her man, the castle made of cards starts to tumble down: feelings, intimacy, togetherness, respect as a man, respect as the leader, etc., goes away. They not longer look at you as that alpha male, they look at strong alphas and then they go for them, because how can you be a strong man of character when you are more than willing to share her? this is what they all eventually even if subconsciously realize.
> 
> So, if you have any self respect within yourself left, then move on. Or would you want to keep getting sloppy seconds?


True yea I guess the one thing we did have in 16 years even if the marriage was tainted is we always were each others best friend and I guess I don't want to lose our friendship.


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Awethentik said:


> 2 Girls and that was when we were broken up years ago and then 1 with the Charlotte girl. Her she had sex with 3 guys even when I was with the Charlotte girl she was seeing another dude she met 2 weeks before I met the Charlotte girl I failed to mention that. She was the one that always went and did the things with the openness I never truly did it until May with Charlotte. She just told me after trying again beginning of this month one day she needed space to see if she misses me and that space was me finding out shes sleeping with a guy from the bar we all go to who bounces and now apparently she has deep feelings for him according to her and her feelings are different than it ever was with us and shes basically already moved in with this guy she stays at his house every day and goes to his work on weekends and hangs out til he gets off at 4am.


Sorry to say, but I don't think she was ever really into you "that way." This is just my opinion, but you were in more of a 16 year Friends With Benefits relationship than a marriage. There are a few people here that have successfully navigated polyamorous relationships and swinging, but they are rare. But you guys weren't really doing any of that. It sounds like you were friendly roommates that had sex regularly, but were still out dating other people, at least your "wife" was. Dating leads to relationships, it was only a matter of time. I bet @Rob_1 is right. She found her strong alpha male in her bouncer buddy. I'll bet he won't be sharing her with anyone. 

I could never do it, but there is no reason you can't remain friends with her. That may be difficult since you will be going through a divorce and will have to split any assets you may have.


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Awethentik said:


> I guess I don't want to lose our friendship.


I think that that's just making excuses for hoping to get back with her, or not, but you need to think ahead: how would a new paramour would take your "best friend" relationship with your soon to be Ex-wife? very, very few women like that for your info. it would be in the middle of any new relationship. So, think about that.


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

When did you open up your marriage and who first suggested it (whose idea was it originally)? You say you have slept with 3 girls in total other than your wife in 16 years so I am guessing that the marriage was open from day one. How many men did your wife sleep with in these 16 years? Were any of these with you present (threesomes or whatever)? Did she ever comment on the quality of the sex with these others or is this bouncer the first time she felt like this?


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Advice? Well, open relationships can go awry, but of course, so many supposedly monogamous people cheat that many relationships are open in fact. At least you know what's going on - you don't have to discover that something is going on. She may still love you (even if she says she doesn't right now), and may or may not love this other guy - I guess that's what she's figuring out? Anyway, suppose she does think she loves him; does she still love you, or not? If she doesn't, then there are no good options other than splitting up. If she does still love you (and it IS possible, of course, despite the turmoil she's causing right now), then what's the answer? You can still split up of course, and in that case it's best to end the friendship as well; that makes it easier to move on. Or you can (possibly) take the open relationship a step further and have a polyamorous relationship.

I've been in an open, poly relationship for 21 years. We've always had the view that if someone truly better for one of us comes along, we should either choose to be with them instead, or bring them into our family. It always hurts if you're left behind, of course, but if you value yourself you also know that you can move on from that and be happy with someone else.


----------



## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

Hard to feel bad for you given the circumstances. You are only upset because your love interest didnt pan out.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

My guess is that if either one of you get into a relationship for any length of time, that you are both so alike and such good friends that it's probably going to run off whoever either one of you are in a relationships with or at the very least cause a lot of scary drama. I mean you're such good friends that you tell each other about your other relationships and sexual content. If you're going to have an open relationship, of course there's always the chance that you'll end up apart, but I just think that the longer anyone gets to know you and understands what you and your wife have been doing, that that's going to put the brakes on new relationships. 

She's having a lot of fun with that guy, but he probably doesn't care squat about her. And I doubt she cares. Anything that you can do just involves deciding if you want to stay married or not because this ball started rolling downhill a long time ago and there's no way to undo that.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Awethentik said:


> _*I agree with that, but idk we were working on the marriage for about a month and were living together again but then all the sudden this guy she met as a friend from the bar they were texting non stop for 4 months and now shes all into her feelings with him saying how amazing the sex is and how her feelings are just different with this guy which blows my mind cause if its so much better why did we last 16 years?*_



The minute you put the word "but" in your reply, you negated everything you said before it. 

Again, what your wife is saying about her new guy isn't any different than what YOU said about how your last girlfriend made _you_ feel and how you haven't had anything like that with your wife for 10 years. And why would your wife's statements about how great this guy is "blow your mind?" That's how YOU were thinking of your girlfriend. I don't see the difference here.

And what would have happened had you and your last love interest *not *broken up? Would you honestly have us believe that YOU cut that relationship short after her two month air bnb stay and sent her packing because you were concerned about getting too close to her and wanted to reconnect with your wife? I think it's pretty much a given that you *fully* intended to stay in that relationship but it didn't work out. What you were doing is no different than what your wife is doing - it's just that she and wonder boy are still going strong and your secondary relationship ended.

Sadly, this is what happens when you tempt fate and get what you wish for.

Take this as a life lesson, and be sure to be more diligent next time in respecting and caring for your next relationship.


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Awethentik said:


> now shes all into her feelings with him saying how amazing the sex is and how her feelings are just different with this guy which blows my mind cause if its so much better why did we last 16 years?


Honestly, having been in a de-facto open marriage myself, it was probably the affairs that enabled her to stay in the marriage as long as she did. 

I met my exH when I was 16 and he 18. Married at 19 and 21, respectively. Frankly, being older and having a better understanding of things I felt deeply but didn't have the words for, my exH couldn't meet my intellectual, sexual, or emotional needs. Sure, we were friends, too. Sure, he could be fun and amusing. Sure, we had regular sex that resulted in orgasms for me and he was willing to do literally anything I might ask. But he just wasn't and couldn't be what I needed. Other men could. I clearly wasn't what he needed, either. Other women could be. He cheated. I cheated. We ended up in a de-facto open marriage with multiple affairs on both sides neither of us really minded. Then I fell in love with my final AP, left the marriage, and married him as soon as the divorce was final. ExH married a couple years later. No doubt in my mind the affairs acted as a relief valve and allowed me to stay in the marriage as long as I did. I've had a few people over the years admit to me they cheated and that time with their AP's allowed them to tolerate their marriages better.

So, my guess is that having an open marriage enabled her to stay as long as she did. Then she caught feelings and decided to move on.


----------



## Awethentik (Sep 30, 2021)

manfromlamancha said:


> When did you open up your marriage and who first suggested it (whose idea was it originally)? You say you have slept with 3 girls in total other than your wife in 16 years so I am guessing that the marriage was open from day one. How many men did your wife sleep with in these 16 years? Were any of these with you present (threesomes or whatever)? Did she ever comment on the quality of the sex with these others or is this bouncer the first time she felt like this?


Yea any girl I slept with was threesome besides the last one. She had many solo encounters like 3 while open and then the threesomes and apparently just learned since we've split she was on tinder and had multiple guys coming over every week to ****. So that's good to know.


----------



## Awethentik (Sep 30, 2021)

Married but Happy said:


> Advice? Well, open relationships can go awry, but of course, so many supposedly monogamous people cheat that many relationships are open in fact. At least you know what's going on - you don't have to discover that something is going on. She may still love you (even if she says she doesn't right now), and may or may not love this other guy - I guess that's what she's figuring out?  Anyway, suppose she does think she loves him; does she still love you, or not? If she doesn't, then there are no good options other than splitting up. If she does still love you (and it IS possible, of course, despite the turmoil she's causing right now), then what's the answer? You can still split up of course, and in that case it's best to end the friendship as well; that makes it easier to move on. Or you can (possibly) take the open relationship a step further and have a polyamorous relationship.
> 
> I've been in an open, poly relationship for 21 years. We've always had the view that if someone truly better for one of us comes along, we should either choose to be with them instead, or bring them into our family. It always hurts if you're left behind, of course, but if you value yourself you also know that you can move on from that and be happy with someone else.


Agreed! Yea Idk I still love her but she made it clear she is not in love with me because she's not in love with this version of me anymore. She likes this new guy she's with him all the time but she also tells me that I keep pushing her away but talking about him all the time with her and questioning her if she is staying the night with him or going drinking with him etc and she said it just pushes her away more. She said today if she actually saw changes in me it might make her have feelings again but she said I haven't changed in 16 years so until she sees it and when that time comes she said she would re-evaluate the situation.


----------



## Awethentik (Sep 30, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> My guess is that if either one of you get into a relationship for any length of time, that you are both so alike and such good friends that it's probably going to run off whoever either one of you are in a relationships with or at the very least cause a lot of scary drama. I mean you're such good friends that you tell each other about your other relationships and sexual content. If you're going to have an open relationship, of course there's always the chance that you'll end up apart, but I just think that the longer anyone gets to know you and understands what you and your wife have been doing, that that's going to put the brakes on new relationships.
> 
> She's having a lot of fun with that guy, but he probably doesn't care squat about her. And I doubt she cares. Anything that you can do just involves deciding if you want to stay married or not because this ball started rolling downhill a long time ago and there's no way to undo that.


Yea they're constantly posting snap videos together and saying how cute they are and all this crap, idk I still am in love with her she's just not in love with me shes made it clear her feelings for this guy are real in her eyes, and that she really likes him a lot. But then she also says things like if she saw actual changes in me maybe after the divorce and some time apart and healing that maybe we could try again if the circumstances were right but she needs to see major changes in me trying to control her relationships and what she is doing.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

An open marriage is an oxymoron.
Marriage is a bond, a bond is not open.

An open marriage is an open wound, never healing until one side of the cut strays over and meets some other flesh, _they_, more fitting, and that person more to their liking.
The cut then mends, one's flesh melds with the new person.

What would go down better is having the proverbial, _friend with benefits_, FWB, both having the option to seek other loving benefits with other friends.
This arrangement would not be a _tight_ bond, but a _loose_ pact.


_Are Dee-_


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Awethentik said:


> Yea they're constantly posting snap videos together and saying how cute they are and all this crap, idk I still am in love with her she's just not in love with me shes made it clear her feelings for this guy are real in her eyes, and that she really likes him a lot. But then she also says things like if she saw actual changes in me maybe after the divorce and some time apart and healing that maybe we could try again if the circumstances were right but she needs to see major changes in me trying to control her relationships and what she is doing.


It sounds like she is very dedicated to leading a single lifestyle. 

As far as the new guy and all new guys are concerned, you have to understand that things are always the most fun in the beginning before you really know the nuts and bolts of a person and before you get involved domestically. A person you're just going out and having fun with is just a lot more sexy than the person you nag to clean the toilet. I think especially for women, it's sexier in a new relationship. It's hard to feel sexy for someone who has become family to the point that sometimes you are in a parental role with them or a sibling role. Men want to have sex right through all that but a whole lot of women are completely turned off by that and I think that's why for some couples sex degenerates over some years and especially after having kids. 

I very much doubt this guy is serious about her but he's probably just having a sexual good time for as long as that lasts.


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Honestly the time to have fixed the marriage was before opening it...it's too late niw, because she is now with him and everyday she is with him she bond with him grows. distance yourself from her and focus on you and your children


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Awethentik said:


> Yea any girl I slept with was threesome besides the last one. She had many solo encounters like 3 while open and then the threesomes and apparently just learned since we've split she was on tinder and had multiple guys coming over every week to ****. So that's good to know.


Neither of you are mature enough or have enough boundaries to be married. 
Faithfulness is so important in a marriage.


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Honestly the time to have fixed the marriage was before opening it...it's too late niw, because she is now with him and everyday she is with him she bond with him grows. distance yourself from her and focus on you and your children


Thankfully, I don't think any children are involved. This doesn't sound anything like a family atmosphere that OP & W are living in.


----------



## Awethentik (Sep 30, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Thankfully, I don't think any children are involved. This doesn't sound anything like a family atmosphere that OP & W are living in.


No kids.


----------



## Awethentik (Sep 30, 2021)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Honestly the time to have fixed the marriage was before opening it...it's too late niw, because she is now with him and everyday she is with him she bond with him grows. distance yourself from her and focus on you and your children


Yea but her relationship is a rebound in my opinion. She's moving so fast with him right now basically already living with him and she's just getting out of a 16 year relationship and married 8 of them.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

IMO, file for divorce immediately and let her find out by being served. That will protect you, and focus her priorities, either giving pause or making her decision clear.


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Awethentik said:


> Yea but her relationship is a rebound in my opinion. She's moving so fast with him right now basically already living with him and she's just getting out of a 16 year relationship and married 8 of them.


The relationship obviously doesn't mean that much to her. Doing the math from your posts it sounds like she has had sex with 10+ other people outside of your "marriage." I'm not putting marriage in quote to be cruel. It is because you never really had a marriage. She obviously has no serious attachment to you or she wouldn't be sleeping around all these years. Just divorce and try to find a much healthier relation ship. That should be easy considering the bar has been set so low by this one.


----------



## Awethentik (Sep 30, 2021)

Married but Happy said:


> IMO, file for divorce immediately and let her find out by being served. That will protect you, and focus her priorities, either giving pause or making her decision clear.


Yea because she says she's going to file and hasn't yet she keeps putting it off but in south Carolina you have to be seperated a year unless infedelity can be proved and all the proof I've had while she and I were separated she had sex with about 6-7 guys off tinder because she said it was the only way she felt like she was wanted..


----------



## Awethentik (Sep 30, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> The relationship obviously doesn't mean that much to her. Doing the math from your posts it sounds like she has had sex with 10+ other people outside of your "marriage." I'm not putting marriage in quote to be cruel. It is because you never really had a marriage. She obviously has no serious attachment to you or she wouldn't be sleeping around all these years. Just divorce and try to find a much healthier relation ship. That should be easy considering the bar has been set so low by this one.


Yea I just think she's making a huge mistake and acting out because weve been together since 16 and 19 now we are 33 and 36. I think she will regret all this eventually.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I always confuse open marriage with open sewers. Sorry, that's probably me.


----------



## Awethentik (Sep 30, 2021)

MattMatt said:


> I always confuse open marriage with open sewers. Sorry, that's probably me.


Yea id never do it again and never did anything while we were open so idk guess she got the benefits


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Awethentik said:


> Yea but her relationship is a rebound in my opinion. She's moving so fast with him right now basically already living with him and she's just getting out of a 16 year relationship and married 8 of them.


I don't think you're getting it. The open marriage destroyed whatever bond she had with you, allowed her to distance herself, and allowed her some measure of bonding with other men. She's not rebounding. She did her grieving and was over the marriage long before she told you she was going to leave. She was openly dating and looking for husband #2 during the marriage, ffs. And why wouldn't she? She had her childhood sweetheart at home providing familiarity, comfort, and stability, while being able to go out, date, and try on different men to see what she liked. She found one she feels strongly enough for to leave.




Awethentik said:


> Yea I just think she's making a huge mistake and acting out because weve been together since 16 and 19 now we are 33 and 36. I think she will regret all this eventually.


The reality is that the human brain doesn't fully mature until +/- age 25. You literally selected life partners before your brains were developed and before you'd had any real experience of life. The divorce rate for people who marry young is higher than the average for that reason. Usually, one outgrows the other and needs more than they can give or they both grow in different directions as they mature. I suspect she has outgrown you. 

She may regret leaving one day, but don't count on it. Most people I know who ended youthful marriages don't regret leaving.


----------



## Awethentik (Sep 30, 2021)

MJJEAN said:


> I don't think you're getting it. The open marriage destroyed whatever bond she had with you, allowed her to distance herself, and allowed her some measure of bonding with other men. She's not rebounding. She did her grieving and was over the marriage long before she told you she was going to leave. She was openly dating and looking for husband #2 during the marriage, ffs. And why wouldn't she? She had her childhood sweetheart at home providing familiarity, comfort, and stability, while being able to go out, date, and try on different men to see what she liked. She found one she feels strongly enough for to leave.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Yea she still is trying to be my friend over all this. She's like you can't handle being my friends right now so the only thing we can do is not talk at all our communicate. She's like until you can learn to be my friend again right now it's too hard for you..those were her words last night during a 45 minute phone call. I know she cares about me and loves me she's just not in love with me and that's the part I'm struggling with. She always did everything for me always and now I feel like I lost my best friend. Our marriage wasn't great I get it but also we had amazing times it's just the whole not being sexually attracted to each other and not enjoying it for me was what made me start wandering because that's is important to me. Live and learn I guess.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I have nothing to add except that I think your a total hypocrite and got what was coming to you. Couples like y’all end up where y’all at for a reason. (Insert eye roll)


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Awethentik said:


> Yea id never do it again and never did anything while we were open so idk guess she got the benefits


There are no benefits to adultery.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Awethentik said:


> Yea she still is trying to be my friend over all this. She's like you can't handle being my friends right now so the only thing we can do is not talk at all our communicate. She's like until you can learn to be my friend again right now it's too hard for you..those were her words last night during a 45 minute phone call. I know she cares about me and loves me she's just not in love with me and that's the part I'm struggling with. She always did everything for me always and now I feel like I lost my best friend. Our marriage wasn't great I get it but also we had amazing times it's just the whole not being sexually attracted to each other and not enjoying it for me was what made me start wandering because that's is important to me. Live and learn I guess.


It will be easier for you to move on if you stop the contact. You have no children so there is no need for any contact except for legal matters.


----------



## Awethentik (Sep 30, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> There are no benefits to adultery.


Very true. She's trying to be my friend over all this but idk I'm still undecided what to do with the divorce if we file ourselves or if I want to get an attorney and serve her ass


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Awethentik said:


> Very true. She's trying to be my friend over all this but idk I'm still undecided what to do with the divorce if we file ourselves or if I want to get an attorney and serve her ass


You were lovers and spouses. You were each other's only experience of an adult relationship. You can't un-break the touch barrier, un-sex, un-do. She's been much more than your friend. Maybe you could be friends someday in the distant future, but remaining in contact will only delay you healing.

I filed my divorce myself. We didn't have any real assets, had already split the bank account and personal possessions, and all we needed was to dissolve the marriage, set child support, and get custody in writing. Cost about $300 total and took 3 months from filing to final. If you have assets and debts then a lawyer might be best. If you divvy up any debts, pay them off, split whatever is left over, and have nothing else to worry about DIY my work well for you.


----------



## Awethentik (Sep 30, 2021)

MJJEAN said:


> You were lovers and spouses. You were each other's only experience of an adult relationship. You can't un-break the touch barrier, un-sex, un-do. She's been much more than your friend. Maybe you could be friends someday in the distant future, but remaining in contact will only delay you healing.
> 
> I filed my divorce myself. We didn't have any real assets, had already split the bank account and personal possessions, and all we needed was to dissolve the marriage, set child support, and get custody in writing. Cost about $300 total and took 3 months from filing to final. If you have assets and debts then a lawyer might be best. If you divvy up any debts, pay them off, split whatever is left over, and have nothing else to worry about DIY my work well for you.


Def got debt together. Sadly got her a bob job two years ago and it wasn't cheap that we still owe on as well. She said she'd take that over though. Yes I agree on the much more than friends part. Hope someday it'll happen. I'm working on myself now and trying to become the best version of me ever because I have to and can't go on in life angry and the way I've been. My worst trait is my ocd and trying to control a situation and then I spiral out of control and think the most negative thoughts and it eventually just pushes her even further away from me and more into the arms of her new love.


----------



## fluffycoco (May 29, 2021)

Why did you end things with Charlotte girl who you felt sexually or emotionally connected with ? Seems like she did a lot for you. What was going wrong ?


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Definition of friend - loyal, honest and trustworthy.


----------



## Awethentik (Sep 30, 2021)

fluffycoco said:


> Why did you end things with Charlotte girl who you felt sexually or emotionally connected with ? Seems like she did a lot for you. What was going wrong ?


Wanted to work on the marriage with the wife.


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Awethentik said:


> Wanted to work on the marriage with the wife.


How have things been going over the last 2 weeks? Any changes?


----------



## Awethentik (Sep 30, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> How have things been going over the last 2 weeks? Any changes?


I've been trying to work on myself and make changes that she's asked me to make but she continues to stay with him everyday and says she might give us a chance if I truly change but she's not gonna lose what she has with him cause she's finally happy.. I've been doing therapy and other marriage stuff to try to save it.. time will tell I still think her and this guy are in lemerance.


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Awethentik said:


> I've been trying to work on myself and make changes that she's asked me to make but she continues to stay with him everyday and says she might give us a chance if I truly change but she's not gonna lose what she has with him cause she's finally happy.. I've been doing therapy and other marriage stuff to try to save it.. time will tell I still think her and this guy are in lemerance.


You could be right about her. Maybe that infatuation will subside, maybe it won't.

No matter what, I suggest you go a more traditional route with your next relationship. Even if that next relationship is with your current wife. It will be new at that point. What you've had with your wife to date is far from what I would consider a marriage. It was almost like you got married, but skipped the commitment part, and honestly it sounds very one sided. Again, make the next one fully monogamous once you've reached that level of commitment. This is just my opinion, but wives (and husbands) are to be loved and cherished, not shared.


----------



## Awethentik (Sep 30, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> You could be right about her. Maybe that infatuation will subside, maybe it won't.
> 
> No matter what, I suggest you go a more traditional route with your next relationship. Even if that next relationship is with your current wife. It will be new at that point. What you've had with your wife to date is far from what I would consider a marriage. It was almost like you got married, but skipped the commitment part, and honestly it sounds very one sided. Again, make the next one fully monogamous once you've reached that level of commitment. This is just my opinion, but wives (and husbands) are to be loved and cherished, not shared.


I agree I'm not giving up until she's ready to officially divorce me and she is yet to say she wants the divorce. It's been me pressuring her about it because of my insecurities.


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Awethentik said:


> I agree I'm not giving up until she's ready to officially divorce me and she is yet to say she wants the divorce. It's been me pressuring her about it because of my insecurities.


Are you prepared to tell her that you will only continue to be married if you are both monogamous?


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Awethentik said:


> I've been trying to work on myself and make changes that she's asked me to make but she continues to stay with him everyday and says she might give us a chance if I truly change but she's not gonna lose what she has with him cause she's finally happy.. I've been doing therapy and other marriage stuff to try to save it.. time will tell I still think her and this guy are in lemerance.


How can you stay with a woman who's decided to keep sleeping with another man?


----------



## Awethentik (Sep 30, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Are you prepared to tell her that you will only continue to be married if you are both monogamous?


Oh 100% if we work it out down the line for sure things would need to change!


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Awethentik said:


> Oh 100% if we work it out down the line for sure things would need to change!


I'm really glad to hear that.


----------



## Awethentik (Sep 30, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I'm really glad to hear that.


Now I just gotta figure out how I can win her back from this guy and she keeps telling me to change my ways and she might give us a chance again.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Awethentik said:


> 2 Girls and that was when we were broken up years ago and then 1 with the Charlotte girl. Her she had sex with 3 guys even when I was with the Charlotte girl she was seeing another dude she met 2 weeks before I met the Charlotte girl I failed to mention that. She was the one that always went and did the things with the openness I never truly did it until May with Charlotte. She just told me after trying again beginning of this month one day she needed space to see if she misses me and that space was me finding out shes sleeping with a guy from the bar we all go to who bounces and now apparently she has deep feelings for him according to her and her feelings are different than it ever was with us and shes basically already moved in with this guy she stays at his house every day and goes to his work on weekends and hangs out til he gets off at 4am.


Honestly, complete the divorce and forget her. She's not your "best friend" anymore and will never be again. Get YOUR own self together and be done with her. Stop mooning over the past -- it's not going to EVER be like that with her again.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Awethentik said:


> I agree I'm not giving up until she's ready to officially divorce me and she is yet to say she wants the divorce. It's been me pressuring her about it because of my insecurities.


She picked him over you. Yet you just don’t want to get it. So you’re making yourself a chump.


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Awethentik said:


> Now I just gotta figure out how I can win her back from this guy and she keeps telling me to change my ways and she might give us a chance again.


Dude: listen to yourself. It's obvious that you have no sense/compass of direction as an individual and as a man, basically you lack self respect. You are ridiculously, on the "hopium" bandwagon of the pick me dance. What does that shows you? if not that you are a man that has no self respect and is willing to take a woman that is with another man. I guess, that you are willing to take sloppy seconds. She's playing you dude. She just won't kill your hopes all at once, because, although she is right now content with her new man, the relationship is still too new for her and she has you on hold as a possible plan B in the eventually her new man doesn't pan out.

Just remember this: even if her relationship with the other man doesn't pan out, in the end she might end up with another dude, while you're idiotically waiting for her.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Awethentik said:


> She's like you can't handle being my friends right now so the only thing we can do is not talk at all our communicate. She's like until you can learn to be my friend again right now it's too hard for you..those were her words last night during a 45 minute phone cal


So, this is COMPLETE BS on her part -- it's YOUR fault that you can't be friends, its YOUR fault that we can't talk at all, etc.. She is manipulative and turning this around on YOU.

This is COMPLETE gaslighting on her part. She is done with you and you know what -- YOU need to be done with her.
She is NOT YOUR FRIEND and even if she realizes later that she ****ed up by being with this new guy -- you need to be moved on by then.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Awethentik said:


> I've been trying to work on myself and make changes that she's asked me to make but she continues to stay with him everyday and says she might give us a chance if I truly change but she's not gonna lose what she has with him cause she's finally happy.. I've been doing therapy and other marriage stuff to try to save it.. time will tell I still think her and this guy are in lemerance.


Stop trying to save this for HER. Do ANY improvements for YOU and ONLY YOU. Do not do this with the idea of winning her back. You need to do this for your self and to move forward with your life.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Awethentik said:


> Now I just gotta figure out how I can win her back from this guy and she keeps telling me to change my ways and she might give us a chance again.


With that perspective you won't. "Win" her back I mean.

Don't try to earn her affection it doesn't work. 
Instead work on enhancing the you, that she'll want to come back to, if you want to truly R.


----------

