# Second Guessing Decision to Divorce



## Secondguessing (Mar 6, 2017)

I've been visiting this site for about a year now and it helped convince me to file for divorce After I discovered my wife's affair, I tried to reconcile. That attempt lasted about 2 years, during which time I was constantly angry, obsessed with the details of her affair, constantly imagining what she had done with this guy, I was always convinced she was still cheating - it was just awful. 

Anyway, 5 months ago I left and filed for divorce. The constant sense of anger, the mind-movies, the obsession with the other man and her affair has gotten much better and I can almost say that I've moved on from that. HOWEVER, I'm now depressed about the impending divorce, I'm worried about the loss of assets and having to pay spousal support. It just seems like one set of issues has been replaced by another set of issue, which will end up making me a poorer man. Nothing seems to help. I have a girlfriend now but I'm still thinking about the life I had with my wife, our kids, our house - I just don't know. I remember the how angry I was and I remember it was also a nightmare but I just can't feel it so it seems unreal. What I feel now is mostly sad.

How long does this last?

I really want to call her and try to reconcile again but I'm guessing I'll just get angry all over again. Plus I've already spent $2000 on a lawyer.

Has anyone gone through this?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

What have you heard from her? Has she tried to reach out to you? Or has she already moved on herself?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Of course it's hard. Anything worthwhile usually is. Not everyone can get over infidelity. Two years is a long time. Why waste more?

Did she pull her way during R?


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Secondguessing said:


> I've been visiting this site for about a year now and it helped convince me to file for divorce After I discovered my wife's affair, I tried to reconcile. That attempt lasted about 2 years, during which time I was constantly angry, obsessed with the details of her affair, constantly imagining what she had done with this guy, I was always convinced she was still cheating - it was just awful.
> 
> Anyway, 5 months ago I left and filed for divorce. The constant sense of anger, the mind-movies, the obsession with the other man and her affair has gotten much better and I can almost say that I've moved on from that. HOWEVER, I'm now depressed about the impending divorce, I'm worried about the loss of assets and having to pay spousal support. It just seems like one set of issues has been replaced by another set of issue, which will end up making me a poorer man. Nothing seems to help. I have a girlfriend now but I'm still thinking about the life I had with my wife, our kids, our house - I just don't know. I remember the how angry I was and I remember it was also a nightmare but I just can't feel it so it seems unreal. What I feel now is mostly sad.
> 
> ...


You've started moving on from the affair only because you have removed the trigger, your stbx. If you go back and try to repair your marriage most likely the anger and obsession will return. How much did your stbx try and repair the marriage in the first attempt at R? 

Losing assets/alimony sucks and it's all part of divorce however the longer you stay married the more it costs to end it. At some point you need to decide to cut your losses.


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## Secondguessing (Mar 6, 2017)

My wife did not want to divorce and during the first 2 months after I filed she reached out several times and we even spent a few days together during the 5 months we have been separated. The 3 days were mostly good but I kept bringing up the affair and she said she was just so tired of it. After I met my girlfriend, I made my profile picture of me and her in an intimate pose. Once I did that, my wife defriended me on FB and we haven't spoken since. In fact, all our mutual FB friends defriended me en-masse and I'm guessing they only know 1/2 the story.

I don't think my did all she needed to do to reconcile. The biggest issue was her time line doesn't make sense and whenever I pointed out inconsistencies, she would shut-down.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

The fact she hasn't fought for you tells you everything you need to know. Don't ever be the one who wants it more.


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## drifter777 (Nov 25, 2013)

We all fear change & the finality of the divorce makes this change very real. You've done the hard part - you left her and have begun to heal. If you get back with her it will be the same old $hit-sandwich & the same old mind-movies. She IS your trigger. Stay away from her and you heal. Simple as that.

You can make more money. You can't make her un-**** the OM.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

WorkingOnMe said:


> The fact she hasn't fought for you tells you everything you need to know. Don't ever be the one who wants it more.


:iagree::iagree:


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

She honestly didn't sound that motivated or maybe capable of giving what was needed for a successful R.

She needed to do the heavy lifting and simply didn't.

If she gave you the answers to the timeline discrepancies and answered all your questions while doing her best to R would you have had a better time overcoming your anger and mind movies?


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## Secondguessing (Mar 6, 2017)

You guys can be brutally honest - basically you all seem to be saying she wasn't willing to fight for me and didn't really care about me. I guess I agree.
@ConanHub

I honestly don't think anything would help me get over it. I think I read on this site that some people can move on from an affair and some people can't. Personally, for two years, its about all I ever thought about. Now all I can think about is how I'll get raked over in the divorce and anger has been replaced by sad.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

The anger and anguish will never go away. Not for you.

The feelings will only lessen as other memories pile on top of the old.

For these feelings to go away would require you to not value them.....her, any more.

Remember in high school, how you hated some people. Do you still hate them?

Probably not. You put those people in context. They are not worth thinking about anymore. 

You relegated those bad thoughts to the trash bin in your mind.

Memories, even bad ones, are there for a reason. In this case? To make you stronger, to teach you something. Not to make you happy. Nope, does not work that way. 

Unconditional trust, is a heart attack waiting to happen. Exercise your heart, not your naïveté.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

with hindsight, you should have made it known why your were divorcing before posting a pic with your new girl. that probably isn't helping your recovery.


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## Grapes (Oct 21, 2016)

As long as she is renting space in your head you wont move on.

Money comes and goes. Its really that simple. What you loose in D you can try to make up for over time. 

Its going to be a new you and a new future. Everyday YOU have a choice. It really is a choice! You can either wallow about it, be miserable, think about what ifs and think about your cheating POS stbxw. 

OR 

you can embrace it, look forward to rebuilding, enjoy the challenge life brought your way, and treat your GF great and bang the crap out of her!.

Which mindset would you rather have? Which seems more happy to you? I know its easier said then done but the sooner you realize its a choice your making the sooner you can change your perspective.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> The fact she hasn't fought for you tells you everything you need to know. Don't ever be the one who wants it more.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Frankly, it sounds like she was never transparent with you.

I can understand why you were never settled in reconciliation because, without transparency, the foundation of trust cannot be rebuilt. 

You are better off without her.

Also, if your girlfriend thinks you are serious, you are going to need to have a talk with her as well. It is not right to hang on to her while you still hold such strong feelings for your STBX.


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## adegirl2016 (Dec 14, 2016)

Hi there... from one betrayed spouse to another ... keep moving FORWARD.

I am decided that I want to D too... but due to circumstances I need to wait 3 months before filing. 
Anyway, if you have made it THIS FAR - PLEASE KEEP GOING!!!!
She has not put in all of the effort. and doesn't sound like she really begged when you left. You have a new girlfriend...enjoy it.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

You should of made a statement when you posted your new FB pic. You should have explained that you two have been trying to R for the past two years due to her infidelity. That she was not willing to come clean about it all and you where tired of going around in circles. 

I would still post this. It also sounds like you didn't expose the affair as well.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Secondguessing said:


> I really want to call her and try to reconcile again


Oh god.... whatever you do, DO NOT DO THIS.



Secondguessing said:


> Has anyone gone through this?


No, I was smart enough to file immediately when I found out it went physical. Exactly because I didn't want to end up like you.

Your head is f***ed up from the two years you spent waffling around in unremorseful spouse limbo reconciliation hell.

Don't be a fool and rip the wound wide open again. Amputate the dead limb and be done with it. It didn't work, move FORWARD.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

honcho said:


> You've started moving on from the affair only because you have removed the trigger, your stbx. If you go back and try to repair your marriage most likely the anger and obsession will return. How much did your stbx try and repair the marriage in the first attempt at R?
> 
> Losing assets/alimony sucks and it's all part of divorce however the longer you stay married the more it costs to end it. At some point you need to decide to cut your losses.


:iagree:

Dont do it.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Reconcile:

Reconcile if there are "only" three people left in the world. You, your WW and her POSOM.

You reconcile with her, you tie POSOM up. His nose to his toes, his peter to a tree. You perch him on a sharp rock, ten feet out on a board over a 200 ft gorge. 

The rock must sharp enough to cut his feet if he squirms. 

Oh, I forgot about the honey in his hair and the ants heading down the board, following the Fructose trail up his leg and toward his ears.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

What is to go back to? She shuts down because she can not be transparent. Why?

She has lied to you about the AP and can't remember all her lies. You pilot a plane, she is co-pilot,

her duties are just as important as yours. She just dropped all your fuel and you are over the

Pacific. Want to ride with her again? She showed you who she really was... believe her!!!

You can not love without trust, well you can but it is a very unhealthy love.

Be the best dad you can, work on and treat yourself. Get at LEAST 50 /50 custody.

What amount child support will you have to pay? Why will you have to pay vaginamony?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Sometimes there isn't really a good choice, just a host of bad ones. And then we have to decide which is the 'least bad' for us. 

It sounds like D is the least bad choice for you. Sure, it will hit you financially. That is almost universally true, but what other real choice do you have?

My advice is to face it like a man - accept that there is a cost to everything and this is the cost of starting a new life away from a toxic cheater.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

First off, she dropped you like a hot rock when she found out you were dating.
I guess only she deserved two lovers. 

Secondly, people defriended you because they thought you cheated on your wife. How come they don't know about her adultery being the reason for you divorcing her? Makes you look bad and too timid to take up for yourself.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Whatever you do, please break up with your girlfriend.

Tell her it has nothing to do with her, you just never got over your wife and it was a mistake to get involved with someone new and it's unfair to her.



Chuck71 said:


> Why will you have to pay vaginamony?


Because, um, it's the LAW?


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

browser said:


> Whatever you do, please break up with your girlfriend.
> 
> Tell her it has nothing to do with her, you just never got over your wife and it was a mistake to get involved with someone new and it's unfair to her.
> 
> ...


Cute.......... again OP why are you having to pay "alimony" .... was she a SAHM?


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## Secondguessing (Mar 6, 2017)

Thanks everyone for the responses - its really what I wanted hear. Keep moving forward and don't try to reconcile again. I know that's the correct course. I wanted to hear it though and I heard it. But I'm definitely depressed. I keep waking up at like 3 am and can't get back to sleep. I'm not eating. Just after D-Day, I also couldn't eat or sleep but I had a frantic kind of energy that was almost pleasant. Now I just have no energy. I'm thinking about anti-depressants.



> Secondly, people defriended you because they thought you cheated on your wife. How come they don't know about her adultery being the reason for you divorcing her? Makes you look bad and too timid to take up for yourself.


I told everyone in my family but telling neighbors would probably humiliate my daughters. And honestly, I don't really give a **** what they think. 



> again OP why are you having to pay "alimony" .... was she a SAHM?


For part of the marriage she was. Before the marriage, she had no degree and a crap job. I helped her while she was working on her degree - not financially; she got loans and financial aid - but with things like driving her to school, picking up the kids. Just after D-Day, I was going to leave but I stuck around until she got her degree and landed a job. Now she makes about as much as I do and her earning potential is much greater. I won't be paying spousal support forever, its just that I don't want to pay any. It just doesn't seem right.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Secondguessing said:


> For part of the marriage she was. Before the marriage, she had no degree and a crap job. I helped her while she was working on her degree - not financially; she got loans and financial aid - but with things like driving her to school, picking up the kids. Just after D-Day, I was going to leave but I stuck around until she got her degree and landed a job. Now she makes about as much as I do and her earning potential is much greater. I won't be paying spousal support forever, its just that I don't want to pay any. It just doesn't seem right.


It's not.

And based on the above, you might not have to.

Child support, though, will be another matter entirely.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Have you seen anyone to try and get your head back into the state it should be? You sound to me like you tend to look at the glass as half empty. Anti depressants might be a short term fix, but you really need to get counseling and figure out why you always have to look at the dark side.

That said whatever you do, DO NOT get back with her. Like others have said, she doesn't want to fight for you, so why would you go crawling back??


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## frustratedman (Mar 5, 2013)

I've been divorced since mid-May of last year. My XW had a very long EA (probable PA) with her "friend" from work.

Luckily, my ex didn't do any vindictive $#it or come after my money. Even with that, I struggle financially. I purchased a town home in a high cost suburb. There have been times that I couldn't afford things my boys wanted.

Honestly, it has been difficult for my boys. Our marriage lasted 17 years.

All that said, IT FEELS SO GOOD to not have to worry or wonder what she's up to. 

I have a GF. When we see each other, there's a lot of getting busy, but it's not the same.

At times, I miss her and the way our family used to be. When those times happen, all I do is pull out my phone and look at the screen shot of the email from her "friend" saying how bad he wants to kiss her. Then, I look at a family pic taken THE VERY NEXT DAY and think "ahhh - I'm over being sad." The sadness sort of turns into anger, then I remember why we divorced. Then, I think of my freedom and my open future. Then, I go back to being awesome. 

The end.

Not sure if that trick is healthy, but it works for me.


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## frustratedman (Mar 5, 2013)

I guess you could say we had a false R for 3 years. Those 3 years SUCKED!

Time should heal your wounds, friend. Stay strong. Don't consider going back. It's not worth it.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Secondguessing said:


> Thanks everyone for the responses - its really what I wanted hear. Keep moving forward and don't try to reconcile again. I know that's the correct course. I wanted to hear it though and I heard it. But I'm definitely depressed. I keep waking up at like 3 am and can't get back to sleep. I'm not eating. Just after D-Day, I also couldn't eat or sleep but I had a frantic kind of energy that was almost pleasant. Now I just have no energy. *I'm thinking about anti-depressants.*
> 
> 
> 
> ...


"If possible, make a You-Turn"

If possible, stay away from anti-depressants.

They turn you into a zombie and some make your peter soft.

And once on them it is hard to get off them. I dunno, I hate drugs. 

If possible, use aerobic exercise to rid yourself of depression.


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## Secondguessing (Mar 6, 2017)

@frustratedman



> I've been divorced since mid-May of last year. My XW had a very long EA (probable PA) with her "friend" from work.
> 
> Luckily, my ex didn't do any vindictive $#it or come after my money. Even with that, I struggle financially. I purchased a town home in a high cost suburb. There have been times that I couldn't afford things my boys wanted.
> 
> ...


Thanks for that post - it's almost like we are reading from the same script, right down to the texts I keep on hand to remind me why I had to divorce. Its also hard on my daughters, especially my 9 year old. A few days ago, I got a one word FB text from her: "DADDY!" and that was it. I had to sit down when I read that.

Also, my GF and I get busy and its also not the same; she's like a salve or something. Sometimes I'll think about my wife and I can't perform. Its not fair for her.

I'm hoping once the divorce is final and I'm like a year out from when I finally left, it'll be much better. Someone mentioned "piling new memories on top of the old memories." I guess that's what I'm doing. My GF and I are planning a trip to Shanghai in April and when I think about that, everything is just great. Its the hours in between that get to me. And also like clockwork, every night recently, I wake up at about 3 am and just can't get my mind off my house, my kids and even my wife. Honestly, I really miss her.


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## Secondguessing (Mar 6, 2017)

@Sunmars




> If possible, use aerobic exercise to rid yourself of depression.


I'm kind of a stud now. If there was any one good thing about this whole ordeal its that it made me loose weight and got me going to the gym. Exercise is now a huge part of my life.


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## frustratedman (Mar 5, 2013)

I completely get it, Secondguessing!

My heart goes out to you.

I think you're right. A year or so after the divorce, your mind will be more at ease!

I'm 41 years old. I started dating my ex when I was a junior in HS. I NEVER in a million years thought that my life would end up like this, but here I am.

As far as money goes, did she really rake you over the coals? Do you have enough to get by, take care of your kids and have a little fun? If you're taking a vacation with your GF, you must be doing ok, right?

Your ex (and mine, for that matter) will one day realize what they discarded in the trash. We will never hear about it, of course. They will regret what they've done and know it was wrong. YOU get to have the clear conscience. Eventually, when your kids are old enough, they will find out what really happened to their family.

Stay strong, man! Know that you will get through these times, work hard, love your kids unconditionally and TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

frustratedman said:


> I guess you could say we had a false R for 3 years. Those 3 years SUCKED!
> 
> Time should heal your wounds, friend. Stay strong. Don't consider going back. It's not worth it.


FM........ glad to hear you're doing well. Guess you did realize "the hair doesn't make the man"


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Secondguessing said:


> @frustratedman
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Check out FrustratedMan's thread. It's still here. 2ndG.... you miss what she WAS... not what she IS now.

I spent 15 years with my XW.... we had that unspoken communication, knew what the other

was thinking. I miss that....she had some great qualities. But then there was the bad.......

Was her great qualities enough to deal with her bad? Not hardly. I walked away just over

four years ago, have not regretted it one time. You will not make the same memories, just different

memories. We didn't have kids (thank you God) or it would have been a MUCH bumpier ride.

But pain is pain..... I was there. Does your gf know you are still "well-shaken" from the upcoming D?

Just don't intentionally use her to keep from facing the pain head on about the D.

As for the vaginamony / alimony.... if you make the same amount of money, there is a very 

good chance you will not be paying any. Hopefully after 50 / 50 custody you won't get raked over the coals

for child support (I still can't understand why one has to pay ANY if they make same amount $).

What's the deal on the house? Much equity build up?


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## Secondguessing (Mar 6, 2017)

@Chuck71



> Does your gf know you are still "well-shaken" from the upcoming D?


I think she must. For one thing, I now have tremendous trust issues and I can't help wonder if this won't just happen again. She just told me yesterday "I'm not your wife; you can trust me." I quoted back something I just read here: "Absolute trust is a heart attack waiting to happen." She didn't like that.



> What's the deal on the house? Much equity build up?


That's an interesting legal question. We own one small house outright - that's the house I want. Right before I left, like 2 or 3 months before I left, we bought a large and beautiful house with just 3% down so not much equity in that house. She wants that house and she can have it. She also bought $9,000 worth of new furniture literally the day after we moved in. No way I'm paying for her furniture.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

ABHale said:


> You should of made a statement when you posted your new FB pic. You should have explained that you two have been trying to R for the past two years due to her infidelity. That she was not willing to come clean about it all and you where tired of going around in circles.
> 
> I would still post this. It also sounds like you didn't expose the affair as well.


Times have really changed. My grandmother use to say you air your dirty laundry. Facebook made it the trendy thing to do. I'm still trying to figure out the benefits of letting everybody know your personal business.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

No one here is going to say divorce is easy or peachy. It can, however, be amicable if both parties choose it to be so. 

The problem is being coldly logical when there are always feelings involved. 

Your social media picture with your gf was like a giant "__ you" to your stbx.

The message has been received. Just carry on and get the business done. From here on out, try to remain diplomatic. Leave feelings out of it.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Secondguessing said:


> @Chuck71
> 
> 
> 
> ...


1-You're on the hook for that furniture too. Use that to bargain.

2-She wants the new house, bargain that to get the old house without losing as much equity.

If she wants the new nice house for herself, she can kiss vaginamony goodbye. 

If your name is on the mortgage or deed to the old house, YOU MOVE BACK IN TONIGHT

Pop in, ask the "misses" -what's for dinner darling-


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

VladDracul said:


> Times have really changed. My grandmother use to say you air your dirty laundry. Facebook made it the trendy thing to do. I'm still trying to figure out the benefits of letting everybody know your personal business.


Just a way for him to stop his WW from spreading her lies. With everyone unfriending him on FB, it stands to reason she is telling everyone a story.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Secondguessing said:


> That's an interesting legal question. We own one small house outright - that's the house I want. Right before I left, like 2 or 3 months before I left, we bought a large and beautiful house with just 3% down so not much equity in that house. She wants that house and she can have it. She also bought $9,000 worth of new furniture literally the day after we moved in. No way I'm paying for her furniture.


I don't know the specific details of your financial situation but from what you wrote above you are in line for a painful reality check. You sound just like most clueless people entering a divorce, including me about 10 years ago when mine first started.

We all say that.

No way I'm paying for ___________! (Because it's "not fair")

Fill in the blank with "her debts" or "her retirement with my hard earned pension" or "a mortgage on a house I don't even live in" or "support for a wife who can just go get a job but doesn't because she's lazy".

If I had to wager a guess based on the paragraph you wrote above, you definitely WILL be liable for at least half of her debts (maybe more if you make more money) including the furniture you'll never use and the house you won't ever live in again. 

There's nothing fair about divorce, and split second decisions are made by a man or woman in a robe who will see 20 cases just like yours in any given day and they can't or just don't really care about how it might affect you, they just look at the raw numbers (income, assets) and split it roughly down the middle with adjustments made so each party walks away with what the court may randomly decide is a fair decision.

You want certainty? Then try to work out a settlement with her. Otherwise expect to walk out of the courtroom with your head spinning and wondering how you're going to be able to survive on what you're left with.

Edited to add. I just went back and read your first post, where you wrote "I just spend $2000 on a lawyer". That's small change compared to what it will cost you if the divorce becomes highly litigated. That's why you might have to make some huge concessions so that it doesn't cost you even more than giving her a generous settlement would.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You have no reason to second guess yourself. Let's go down the list objectively:

1) She cheated...obvious
2) She used you to support her while she went to school, then rewards you by cheating on you; 
3) She lies to her friends and neighbors about the reason for the split;
4) She did not show transparency or remorse during R; 


I do not need to go further. What is there to save here, or to second guess yourself about? This is a woman who may very well have never really loved you the way a wife should love her husband. She liked having you there to support her while she got her act together, and you were handy to father her children for her (hopefully they are yours). You served your purpose and she no longer had need of you, so she looked for love and excitement elsewhere. 

I don't see what the question is here. Seems pretty cut and dry to me.


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## nursejackie (May 22, 2015)

If you are already exercising and still feeling depressed theres nothing wrong with trying an antidepressant IMO. I went on Wellbutrin 2 years ago. It was like a little miracle. It gives you back the ability to feel pleasure. It is beneficial to the libido. 
Just saying...I have no desire to ever get off of it. Life has promise.


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## niceguy28 (May 6, 2016)

You are about to go through a major life change. Of course you are second guessing and apprehensive. Bottom line is your stbxw is no
good. No remorse, still not being honest, lying to friends etc.. You busted your ass supporting her and she repaid you by screwing some dude over and over. If she cared she would be on her hands and knees begging you to stay. She's probably more worried about what her friends will think, which explains her lying, and her meal ticket than she is about you. It's time to get on with the rest of your life my friend. This chapter should be over.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

VladDracul said:


> Times have really changed. My grandmother use to say you air your dirty laundry. Facebook made it the trendy thing to do. I'm still trying to figure out the benefits of letting everybody know your personal business.


I don't think that there are any in general. In some situations exposure may help bust up an affair, but just giving the neighbors and friends material to gossip about seems to me not to help anything much.


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## frustratedman (Mar 5, 2013)

@ Secondguessing- Do you have an original post up that describes what transpired? I tried to look it up under your public profile but couldn't find it.


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## Secondguessing (Mar 6, 2017)

@browser



> I don't know the specific details of your financial situation but from what you wrote above you are in line for a painful reality check. You sound just like most clueless people entering a divorce, including me about 10 years ago when mine first started.
> 
> We all say that.
> 
> ...


Great - another thing to keep me up at night!

It might not be as bad as you say though because for one thing, she has a well paying job and for another, I have quite a bit of my own debt that I took on during our marriage. If debt is split 50-50, it might just be a wash.

I do have a legal question. I basically refuse to be raked over in this divorce. As I understand it, the consequences for not paying alimony or spousal support or whatever its called are no where near as severe as not paying child support. Of course I will pay child support, and I honestly don't care my daughters are biologically mine or not. Of course the thought crossed my mind but that's one stone I'm leaving unturned.

What if I just refuse to pay spousal support?
What can be done about that?


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## Secondguessing (Mar 6, 2017)

@nursejackie



> If you are already exercising and still feeling depressed theres nothing wrong with trying an antidepressant IMO. I went on Wellbutrin 2 years ago. It was like a little miracle. It gives you back the ability to feel pleasure. It is beneficial to the libido. Just saying...I have no desire to ever get off of it. Life has promise.


I heard anti-depressants cause erectile dysfunction and I have recently been struggling with that. I think its physiological ED and fatigue plus the stress of divorce. I've never had this issue before but its come on recently. On the other hand, it does suck being depressed.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Secondguessing said:


> @browser
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Two lawyers, a judge, stenographer, bailiff, and soon-to-be ex-wife can laugh at you, or, if you're _really_ determined, you can go to jail.

Still, there's no guarantee that you'll have to pay spousal support.

You should be talking to a lawyer -- if not lawyer_s_ -- first thing tomorrow morning.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Secondguessing said:


> What if I just refuse to pay spousal support?
> What can be done about that?


From what I understand the penalty is not as stiff for not paying spousal support. You still go to jail but they put you in a cell with a big white guy not a black one.


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## Secondguessing (Mar 6, 2017)

@frustratedman



> Do you have an original post up that describes what transpired? I tried to look it up under your public profile but couldn't find it.


I haven't posted details because there isn't much to tell. I had no idea anything was going on. Everything seemed fine. We cuddled all the time, after 2 kids and 8 years into marriage, we had sex twice a week, held hands, cuddled, talked. I had no gut feelings, nothing what so ever made me think she was having an affair. I don't know how common that is, but it came out of the blue. 

Anyway, the POS wife is the one who let me know; she suspected because her POS husband is a serial cheater and she knew the signs. She found texts and shared them with me and that was that. I showed them to my wife, she broke down crying and I almost left on the spot. My mom convinced me to stay until she got her degree and found a job.

The outcome for me is that now I'm always suspicious and that really really sucks. But there was nothing I could tell in her behavior that indicated she was having an affair.


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## Secondguessing (Mar 6, 2017)

@browser and @GusPolinski

Seriously though - based on what do I pay spousal support? Other than the mortgage on the "big house" that she wants, I actually have more debt than she does.

Of course I have a lawyer. She wants us to mediate. If it comes down to it, I'll pay a reasonable amount of temporary support but a life-time of it? It sounds like a reward for being a cheater.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Secondguessing said:


> @browser and @GusPolinski
> 
> Seriously though - based on what do I pay spousal support? Other than the mortgage on the "big house" that she wants, I actually have more debt than she does.
> 
> Of course I have a lawyer. She wants us to mediate. If it comes down to it, I'll pay a reasonable amount of temporary support but a life-time of it? It sounds like a reward for being a cheater.


As I suggested to another poster on an unrelated thread- if you pm me your location and an approximate salary comparison between you and your soon to be exwife I can give you a rough idea of how much spousal support you can expect to pay and for how long, and I'll give you the link to the excellent source that I got it from. 

I will tell you this much, the debt and the mortgage have little to do with the amount and duration of spousal support which is determined almost everywhere by salary, and the laws of that particular state in terms of how long- most states no longer order permanent alimony and some are at the other end of the spectrum where spousal support of any kind is rarely awarded, most fall somewhere in between. 

Large asset awards can and often do reduce support obligations. If your salaries are about the same there probably won't be any spousal support, temporary or otherwise. 

As far as support being a "reward" for a cheater.. it happens ALL the time. Typical scenario. Man marries wife, has 3 kids, a house, a mortgage. She cheats, they divorce, she gets the house, custody, child support and spousal support and he gets visitation with the kids every other weekend and once during the week and has maybe enough money left for a small apartment. Even worse, sometimes the betrayed husband gets to watch the OM move into his old house and take over what used to be his life.


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## Secondguessing (Mar 6, 2017)

@browser

I just PMd you.

My lawyer did a child support calculation based on our incomes and that number was very reasonable, unless she was just blowing smoke up my a$$.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

I responded to your pm, you happen to live in a state where alimony is not heavily awarded and when it is it's not for very long. Child support is based on very specific formulas relating to income so it should be easy enough to get a fairly exact figure, except that you don't know what percentage of custody you're going to get and that makes a big difference in your state.


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## Secondguessing (Mar 6, 2017)

@browser



> I responded to your pm, you happen to live in a state where alimony is not heavily awarded and when it is it's not for very long. Child support is based on very specific formulas relating to income so it should be easy enough to get a fairly exact figure, except that you don't know what percentage of custody you're going to get and that makes a big difference in your state.


Finally, some good news!


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## frustratedman (Mar 5, 2013)

Secondguessing said:


> @frustratedman
> 
> 
> 
> ...


So it was a full on PA. Did the POS' wife indicate how long it had been going on? I'm trying to get a better understanding of your perspective.

For me, if my ex would have admitted to a PA, that would have sealed the deal, no questions, no counseling and no possibility of reconciliation. Honestly, it would have actually made my situation better. My ex only admitted to an EA.

So I can understand why you filed, 100%! Although you may be suffering with sadness at times and waking up in the middle of the night, I believe this is just a phase that will pass, in time. You will eventually look back and be glad she's no longer your wife.

For me, I would never be ablw to have sex without thinking about POS, which means he wins, which is unacceptable. Self respect trumps all that, no matter how much it hurts!


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## Secondguessing (Mar 6, 2017)

@frustratedman



> So it was a full on PA. Did the POS' wife indicate how long it had been going on? I'm trying to get a better understanding of your perspective.


The texts the POS' wife sent covered a 3 month period but from the very first text, they were involved in a full-on, unprotected sex type affair. My wife says the affair only lasted 3 months - from the date of the first text to the date of the last text. That's why I'm saying her time-line doesn't make sense. Going by everything that I have read on affairs, and I have read SO MUCH about affairs over the last 2 years, that just doesn't happen. There are stages to affairs. According to my wife, they would have met and almost immediately launched a full blown PA.

What are the odds that she is telling the truth?

It goes against everything I've read about affairs and it just seems convenient that she met the guy on the date of the first text and ended the affair on the date of the last text. I just don't buy it.



> For me, I would never be ablw to have sex without thinking about POS, which means he wins, which is unacceptable. Self respect trumps all that, no matter how much it hurts!


Actually, for months after D-Day, all I wanted to do was have sex with my wife. I can verify that hysterical bonding is real but also that it wears off and I was just left with a cheating wife. And yes, whenever I looked at her, I saw the POSOM


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## BURNT KEP (Oct 3, 2012)

Secondguessing said:


> @browser
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I don't understand why you think you will be paying spousal support. If you make around the same there will not be spousal support.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Do you live in one of the damnation states which requires you to wait a year to get a D final?


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

BURNT KEP said:


> I don't understand why you think you will be paying spousal support. If you make around the same there will not be spousal support.


If the two parties make EXACTLY the same there probably will be no spousal support. 

If they make "around" the same, then there MAY be spousal support calculated on the difference, which won't be much. In his state, it's typical to pay spousal support for about a third of the marriage.



Chuck71 said:


> Do you live in one of the damnation states which requires you to wait a year to get a D final?


In his state it's 60 days after filing.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Secondguessing said:


> @frustratedman
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

browser said:


> If the two parties make EXACTLY the same there probably will be no spousal support.
> 
> If they make "around" the same, then there MAY be spousal support calculated on the difference, which won't be much. In his state, it's typical to pay spousal support for about a third of the marriage.
> 
> ...


60 was mine, would have been 90 with child. If his is 60 with child, he and I are neighbors.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Chuck71 said:


> 60 was mine, would have been 90 with child. If his is 60 with child, he and I are neighbors.


He did not disclose his state on the public forum and neither did I.

Lots of states have 60 day waiting periods. 

https://www.divorcewriter.com/how-long-does-divorce-take.aspx


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

I thought 30/60/90 was the norm. Then I came here. Even couples with no kids have to wait a year

for D. I completely understand a longer wait when kids are involved. But FFS, 180 days is more than plenty.

No kids.... 60, maybe 90. A year... unneeded hardship.


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## nursejackie (May 22, 2015)

Secondguessing said:


> @nursejackie
> 
> 
> 
> I heard anti-depressants cause erectile dysfunction and I have recently been struggling with that. I think its physiological ED and fatigue plus the stress of divorce. I've never had this issue before but its come on recently. On the other hand, it does suck being depressed.


Wellbutrin works differently. It increases dopamine which gives you back the ability to feel pleasure. I had a complete hysterectomy and lost all my libido. I was accepting the fact that I would never want sex again and if I had duty sex I would get nothing out of it. When I went on Wellbutrin it was like a miracle. Just like a teenager again. I would try it. See how it works for both your depression and "other" concerns.
It did wonders in other areas for me to. Got me off my butt, interested in doing things again and seeing that things were possible. I was in a similar situation in that I was suspecting my H of having an A. Never did get conclusive evidence...


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## Secondguessing (Mar 6, 2017)

@Bandit.25



> What are the odds that she is telling the truth? WHO CARES?
> 
> It goes against everything I've read about affairs and it just seems convenient that she met the guy on the date of the first text and ended the affair on the date of the last text. I just don't buy it.


I care. I just recently read a Chump Lady post to the effect that Chumps don't need to know the specifics but I would have needed to know to stay in the marriage. Its very possible that even if I knew and she gave me a time line I could believe in, I would have stayed angry, obsessed and left eventually anyway but who knows. Maybe that was the one thing I needed.

I'm still curious: what are the odds that they met and almost immediately launched a full blown affair? Not ver likely, is it?


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

With both M, I assume it took it's own sweet time. But when it went EA to PA, Fing game on.


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## Secondguessing (Mar 6, 2017)

@Chuck71



> With both M, I assume it took it's own sweet time. But when it went EA to PA, Fing game on.


That's what I mean - there must have been an initial EA followed by the PA. Her time - line only covered the PA. I want to know when the EA started.


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## BURNT KEP (Oct 3, 2012)

Secondguessing said:


> @Chuck71
> 
> 
> 
> That's what I mean - there must have been an initial EA followed by the PA. Her time - line only covered the PA. I want to know when the EA started.


You are way better off ending it trust me. I've been in R for years now and the mind movies are long gone but if I could go back I would have left the second I found out.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Secondguessing said:


> @Chuck71
> 
> 
> 
> That's what I mean - there must have been an initial EA followed by the PA. Her time - line only covered the PA. I want to know when the EA started.


Why? You're done with her. Cheating is cheating. I never knew if mine did or not but I

still walked away when she refused to fight for our M.


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