# constant negativity



## Proverbs21:19 (Jul 5, 2018)

I can't walk past my wife without being told what to do, reminded about everything..... I mean everythings. We have a 9 year old and it's gotten to the point I can see her actually using her in her emotional rages. i.e. she decides to do something different than we had planned or so and then tells daughter she is going with her to the point of daughter crying because she wants to be with me.

I just have to keep my mouth shut, because no answer is the right answer. Lately my daughter has started pushing back on her about her pettiness and nagging, and of course thats my fault because wife says I taught her that...... From the moment she gets out of bed she is mean.

I won't get a divorce for reasons I can't get into now, but there's no infidelity or money issues. she's just mean, depressed and only getting worse. married 13 years. but when she used my daughter, to me thats when she lost me. I don't know if I can come back from that other than to start having a new dream of my own. that being said, ......

I've seen all the standard online stuff, but curious about real world input on how people keep their sanity when around someone who is negative 98% of the time? how do you do it, what techniques?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Well you won’t divorce and counseling seems to be a non starter. 
Have you tried telling her to **** off and not annoy your ass?


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## Proverbs21:19 (Jul 5, 2018)

Andy1001 said:


> Well you won’t divorce and counseling seems to be a non starter.
> Have you tried telling her to **** off and not annoy your ass?


lol

yeah, many times. It's only when I get that completely pissed and shut down that she changes her behavior. That lasts a couple days at best......


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## pbj2016 (May 7, 2017)

Start carrying around a recorder and record her meanness and then when she isn’t being mean play it back for her. It will either break her heart or enrage her even more. Her response will tell you what you need to do. If she is being mean out of spite then you can’t fix. If she is unaware or knows and can’t stop then you should obtain some professional help. Depression fog is real and it can be a very dark place. 

You mention depression...some women cannot handle using regular birth control and have better luck switching to a progesterone only BC. Messing with hormones sometime does strange things to people. 

If she has always been this way (why did you marry?) then good luck to you finding your wilderness.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

I don't live with anyone like that but I know a few and sometimes shocked at how they speak to their spouses and children. One thing I notice is that the negative, naggy, emotionally abusive people nearly always get their own way. They have had years of being rewarded for bad behaviour and sometimes are utterly shocked and horrified when someone stands up to them. 

Take my BIL, went from a confident, happy-go-lucky man to someone who jumps at his own shadow. When I observe my SIL barking orders at him and him trying to shift as fast as he can in order to prevent a public scene (goodness knows what happens behind closed doors) I see him as emasculated and demoralized. I wish he would just give her a firm 'no' from time to time. SIL on the other hand is completely oblivious that her behaviour and constant shouty voice makes her look like a prize **** because nobody calls her out on it.

I have a friend who has similar traits, very controlling and a professional malcontent. Her husband left her for six months because 'he couldn't cope'. She was actually devastated, he promised to return if she got a job, stopped shouting at the kids and got help for her ocd behaviour. Because her abandonment issues superseded her need for everything to be done just so...I think it worked. 

I would start as though you were training a puppy on good doggy manners and take it from there.


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## Proverbs21:19 (Jul 5, 2018)

pbj2016 said:


> Start carrying around a recorder and record her meanness and then when she isn’t being mean play it back for her. It will either break her heart or enrage her even more. Her response will tell you what you need to do. If she is being mean out of spite then you can’t fix. If she is unaware or knows and can’t stop then you should obtain some professional help. Depression fog is real and it can be a very dark place.
> 
> You mention depression...some women cannot handle using regular birth control and have better luck switching to a progesterone only BC. Messing with hormones sometime does strange things to people.
> 
> If she has always been this way (why did you marry?) then good luck to you finding your wilderness.


no, not always this way...it's gotten much worse. as a conservative and her a liberal and raising a child......the world has changed a A LOT since we married, and raising a child and agreeing on things is also a new challenge. She's 50, so some might be hormonal and or depression. but seriously, I have heard that excuse for the entire time. that and she doesn't get enough sleep. I married her because we were both very open minded, but I think when you're making decisions about your child you tend to lean more on your values and be less flexible. 

once I started a journal, but I had to stop because I was ready to leave. The next time I bought a counter like a ref would use..... I lost count of clicks by mid day, so thats a no go. I did just see a voice activated device. that might work and at least I could show her and it not all be me internalizing it. thanks for that suggestion.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Proverbs21:19 said:


> lol
> 
> yeah, many times. It's only when I get that completely pissed and shut down that she changes her behavior. That lasts a couple days at best......


Record her with your smart phone when she is in her rages, etc. Then tell her to sit down you want to talk to her about something. Then calmly let her listen to your recording, explain to her how it makes you and your daughter feel and tell her, she will lose both of you if she doesn't stop. I suggest she gets counselling. Does she have baggage from her childhood, control issues etc? Is she a Christian?


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

I have heard this tale before. Here is where the 180 actually does work in behavior modification. I recommend that you stop engaging. Stop doing what she wants, answer in one or two word answers, attend and engage with your daughter only. In my experience, a few days of disengaging and not reacting or giving her a rise will absolutely drive her insane. She is used to you reacting to her meanness, when you take that reaction off the table it jumbles their world. Instruct your child to nod and talk very little. Lack of engagement means that she is bellowing to the air. Completely frustrating as she is not getting the desired feedback.


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## Proverbs21:19 (Jul 5, 2018)

peacem said:


> I don't live with anyone like that but I know a few and sometimes shocked at how they speak to their spouses and children. One thing I notice is that the negative, naggy, emotionally abusive people nearly always get their own way. They have had years of being rewarded for bad behaviour and sometimes are utterly shocked and horrified when someone stands up to them.
> 
> Take my BIL, went from a confident, happy-go-lucky man to someone who jumps at his own shadow. When I observe my SIL barking orders at him and him trying to shift as fast as he can in order to prevent a public scene (goodness knows what happens behind closed doors) I see him as emasculated and demoralized. I wish he would just give her a firm 'no' from time to time. SIL on the other hand is completely oblivious that her behaviour and constant shouty voice makes her look like a prize **** because nobody calls her out on it.
> 
> ...


week before last we were exiting an air plane and she bullied her way past the people seated on either isle in front of us.......I stayed bac k and let them exit while hearing them comment on her rudeness. she is completely oblivious. I actually said something a while afterwards and her response was how can it be rude if she didn't realize she was doing it. 

sounds like my wife. you should see the looks my family gives me. yet, around her family and anyone else for that matter she is happy go lucky (but thats also the time she is ordering me around to do stuff, but as you said I keep my mouth shut as to not make a scene) and that is very irritating. she calls it "putting on a face".......bs. she is happy when everyone agrees with her or they don't realize the only thing she is contributing to the conversation is countering what they said. This might be fine once and a while, but it's pure hell to live with!

I can't leave, I just can't. I have a 22 year old son (never married, but did every other weekend his whole life), so I know how tough it can be when seperated, and that was with someone who was amicable. I could never imiagine this with my wife, nor could I imagine not seeing my daughter all the time. I'm an alpha that wishes he was a beta.


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## Proverbs21:19 (Jul 5, 2018)

aine said:


> Record her with your smart phone when she is in her rages, etc. Then tell her to sit down you want to talk to her about something. Then calmly let her listen to your recording, explain to her how it makes you and your daughter feel and tell her, she will lose both of you if she doesn't stop. I suggest she gets counselling. Does she have baggage from her childhood, control issues etc? Is she a Christian?


she has daddy issues, as her brother was the favorite. dad did not speak to her for a few years while in college and I saw it myself before he passed. I am Christian, she is Jewish.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

My wife was like this back when are kids were toddlers (they're six now, so this was roughly around the time before they turned one until they turned two). I did nothing right - changing diapers, cutting their food, giving a bath, driving the car, on and on. She'd say that she couldn't trust me to do anything, but when I had the kids by myself all day I was fine. She'd have them for an hour and I'd be in trouble because I wasn't there to help her, even if I was at work (I'm self-employed). I even got in trouble because she left something for the kids at the sitter's house and blamed me for it (thankfully the sitter, who's a friend, called her out on that). I'd come home from work dreading walking in the door, as more often than not I'd either get a blast ("they're driving me nuts and I'm not getting any help!"), or the silent treatment. 

The point of all this is that I realized that walking on eggshells and trying to do things just right just made things worse. It was when I finally figured out to bite back when she was being unreasonable that she changed. Still not perfect by any means, but things are a lot better on that front than they were. In my wife's case, she's very insecure, which she took out on me, plus she was stuck dealing with her drama queen sister who was calling every day with all of the stupid drama in her life. 

You need to be firm with her when she's out of line. I wish I had done what aine suggested with a phone - I can think of two off the top of my head when we were in the car where I wish I had recorded her. She would have been pissed, but I also think it may have been a wake-up call for her (of course, don't know for sure). Be firm, but don't be a jerk.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Proverbs21:19 said:


> I can't walk past my wife without being told what to do, reminded about everything..... I mean everythings. We have a 9 year old and it's gotten to the point I can see her actually using her in her emotional rages. i.e. she decides to do something different than we had planned or so and then tells daughter she is going with her to the point of daughter crying because she wants to be with me.
> 
> I just have to keep my mouth shut, because no answer is the right answer. Lately my daughter has started pushing back on her about her pettiness and nagging, and of course thats my fault because wife says I taught her that...... From the moment she gets out of bed she is mean.
> 
> ...


If you've seen the standard online stuff, then you should know that most people do NOT keep their sanity. What they do is remove the negativity from their life. But since you won't divorce, I guess you just have to deal with it. Because until she has actual reason to change - ie the threat of losing you and her child, she probably won't change.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Why won't you get a divorce, I take if from your ID you are a christian. I get it divorce is a sin. So if this is the reason why then, OK but nothing says you need to live with her if she is abusing you and your child. I would have a serious like come to Jesus talk with her. Either she stops treating you with contempt or you are going to move out. You will not divorce her because it's a sin but you will not longer live being abused because you are enabling her sin.

Now all that is predicated that you are trying to be a good husband, meaning helping around the house, have a job, don't treat her like your mom, try to emotionally connect with her, that kind of stuff. If you are an ******* then I got no help for you.



> I'm an alpha that wishes he was a beta.


No offense dude but no alpha is going to put up with what you say you put up with and stay. Your wife sounds like an *******. Life is too short.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

This does not excuse the behavior, but I would bet your wife is failing to manage her anxiety. This puts her in a near constant state of fight or flight. This is my wife to a tee. The fact that she cannot stand withdrawal is what convinces me of such, because my wife is exactly the same way. She needs me to be present when her anxiety is peaked.

That being said, while it may be important for you to understand it in order to realize it probably is not malicious, it is not your job to manage her anxiety for her. For that, you need solid boundaries. I normally try to find the sweet spot (translation; try some, fail some) between her venting versus anger/anxiety dumping on me. If it is the former, I offer her support and ask her what I can do to help her right now. When it is the latter, I tell her to have a nice day, I stop whatever I might have been doing for her, and go do something I want.

That way she gets to choose. I won't tolerate her anger dumps for anything. The sooner you (preparing for the onslaught of misogynist accusations in 3...2...1...) "train" your wife for what you will tolerate, the more consistency she will feel, and the more secure she will ultimately feel. 

What she is doing is a cry for leadership.


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## Proverbs21:19 (Jul 5, 2018)

sokillme said:


> Why won't you get a divorce, I take if from your ID you are a christian. I get it divorce is a sin. So if this is the reason why then, OK but nothing says you need to live with her if she is abusing you and your child. I would have a serious like come to Jesus talk with her. Either she stops treating you with contempt or you are going to move out. You will not divorce her because it's a sin but you will not longer live being abused because you are enabling her sin.
> 
> Now all that is predicated that you are trying to be a good husband, meaning helping around the house, have a job, don't treat her like your mom, try to emotionally connect with her, that kind of stuff. If you are an ******* then I got no help for you.
> 
> ...





She's not abusing our child. She's a good mom....just insecure, nagging, *****ing, NOTHING and I mean NOTHING is ever good enough, never gets enough sleep, over protective etc. etc...... never a moment of silence or peace. yet she wants hugs all the time, or "say something nice" WTF??????

What happened on Tuesday was I left work early, went home to work on project car in garage and had a 6 pack over a few hours. I had one too many, but I wasn't going anywhere and I was playing a video game by the time they got home early evening. So they get home and she says she has to go to her mom's to pack her fridge because she's just getting back in town after being out of the country a few weeks. (I'm like WTF, let her go to the store....she gets around great it's not like she couldn't). Wife realizes I've had more than she is comfortable with and tells my daughter she has to come with her, I say, it's fine she can stay here and we'll play video games. Daughter REALLY wants to stay with dad, mom REALLY says no (but wife will fight with daughter for 20 minutes over what color toilet paper to buy if you get my drift).......they go at it, I play my game.....but daughter is really crying, and mom is really mad. Wife will swear she did the right thing, but for me it was about how far she took it and how upsetting she made it for my daughter. So, step 1. no more alcohol. step 2....I have no idea.......hell I have not gotten anything done today I am so messed in the head as to what to do.


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## Proverbs21:19 (Jul 5, 2018)

Ynot said:


> If you've seen the standard online stuff, then you should know that most people do NOT keep their sanity. What they do is remove the negativity from their life. But since you won't divorce, I guess you just have to deal with it. Because until she has actual reason to change - ie the threat of losing you and her child, she probably won't change.


I've threatened to leave, even stayed at a hotel for a week a few years back......problem is I don't think she can change. She's the type that will say "I just don't connect" when you tell her to read a self help book. I got her to read who moved my cheese once though.

yet she'll have 4 doctors appt's a week, is a hypochondriac IMO. as long as there is a JD or MD behind the name she'll listen.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Proverbs21:19 said:


> Why won't I get a divorce........so many reasons
> 
> #1 For 18 years I did the every other weekend thing/part time babysitter. You are ALWAYS the bad guy. It was not an experience I ever want to endure again.
> #2 I have been primary bread winner for the majority of our marriage. She just went back to work because someone came after her for a role, and quite frankly...after 5-6 years of not working, her
> ...


How does your son feel about you as a Dad? Does he think you are a bad guy? That is the most important thing right? My parents were divorced, I saw my Dad on the weekends and one day a week. I am closer to my father then almost all my other friends. We were forced to really interact together. Some of my favorite memories are him cooking me burgers for dinner. We are still very close. So the may be at how you look at it. Besides that I am not advocating for divorce just separation at least for a time. Let you wife see what life would be like without you to use as her emotional punching bag. 

Besides that I think you are wrong to some extent about abusing the child. I grew up with a verbally abusive step father. He screamed at the smallest thing and made living with him hell. Eventually his behavior forced me to move out of the house at 18. It made peace a primary focus on lots of my early life, now I think to my deficit in some ways. But my choice were lots of times about safety, not really about what I wanted. It's really only now in my 40s that I see how much this affected me. 

What is your child learning when she sees her father treated in such a way? Is she learning it's OK to use her eventual spouse as an outlet for a bad mood. Will she treat her friends this way? What will that mean for her future? Will she want to get married? Will she have a good marriage? Good friends? This may affect every relationship in her life as she is learning that respect is not a paramount thing. That there is a responsibility to how we treat others even our closest love ones. What your wife is doing is verbal and emotional abuse. This is toxic and it has an affect on everyone around her. Just because the scars are not visible doesn't mean they are not real. You need to have THIS conversation with your wife. If she is emotionally and verbally abusive to you, it's not right, she is harming her daughter and it needs to stop. Have you thought of marriage counseling? If she is willing.


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## Proverbs21:19 (Jul 5, 2018)

sokillme said:


> How does your son feel about you as a Dad? Does he think you are a bad guy? That is the most important thing right? My parents were divorced, I saw my Dad on the weekends and one day a week. I am closer to my father then almost all my other friends. We were forced to really interact together. Some of my favorite memories are him cooking me burgers for dinner. We are still very close. So the may be at how you look at it. Besides that I am not advocating for divorce just separation at least for a time. Let you wife see what life would be like without you to use as her emotional punching bag.
> 
> Besides that I think you are wrong to some extent about abusing the child. I grew up with a verbally abusive step father. He screamed at the smallest thing and made living with him hell. Eventually his behavior forced me to move out of the house at 18. It made peace a primary focus on lots of my early life, now I think to my deficit in some ways. But my choice were lots of times about safety, not really about what I wanted. It's really only now in my 40s that I see how much this affected me.
> 
> What is your child learning when she sees her father treated in such a way? Is she learning it's OK to use her eventual spouse as an outlet for a bad mood. Will she treat her friends this way? What will that mean for her future? Will she want to get married? Will she have a good marriage? Good friends? This may affect every relationship in her life as she is learning that respect is not a paramount thing. That there is a responsibility to how we treat others even our closest love ones. What your wife is doing is verbal and emotional abuse. This is toxic and it has an affect on everyone around her. Just because the scars are not visible doesn't mean they are not real. You need to have THIS conversation with your wife. If she is emotionally and verbally abusive to you, it's not right, she is harming her daughter and it needs to stop. Have you thought of marriage counseling? If she is willing.


problem with my son was I never dated his mom. It was a one week thing, she swore she could not get pregnant, had her cervix removed etc. etc.) so we went at it like bunnies then she went on vacation for a month and I got the call. I never dated her again after as it came to light her fiance had passed a month before she met me and "God had taken one life from her and given her one in return"... WTF?? I ran for the hills, but always saw my son as thats how I was raised and had a step sister and brother since birth. So he and I were not tight, and I was in my 20's and then 30's etc. I was kinda tough on him as to real life things where she and his GM and GF where hippie kids and life was all flowers and peace. Sorry man, but I was there for his debate clubs 3 hours away etc.... I was also there to let him know C's where not going to cut it in physics if you wanted NASA. so teens were tough man. Now fast forward 6-8 years and we're closer than ever. He feels for me, as he knows what I have to deal with. It's wierd.

My daughter says stuff like last week when we were gonna go see my folks. "dad, lets take 2 cars so mom won't yell at you the whole time" My wife does not treat other like this though. I fear as you said that my daughter will see us and NOT want to get married. (my parents have been married my whole life, as were my wife's...so perhaps thats some reluctance as well)

I will never see another counselor. I have seen them 3 times in my life. hell there's 2 in offices next to me. Had a very bad experience with my daughter at an early age when my wife suggested we go.

So in reality where we are is....my wife is as she is. I deal with it by binging on a 6 pack in the garage or video game after daughter goes to sleep. Although I messed up the other day as I didn't think they were coming home. so closet drunk every few days or sober up and get a divorce. 

for the record, even my doctor told me to get a divorce.........lol


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

I suggest you get an air horn. One client solved his wife's tirades by purchasing the air horn and when his wife went off on him, he would blast it. If she continued, he would blast it again, only closer to her. Eventually, this practice worked like a "Skinner box", she came to expect the blast every time she went off on him, and it drove home the point that he ignored her angry tirades. Eventually, the rudeness and anger stopped. I think one or two blasts near her ears and she was having some hearing difficulties, now she knows to discuss things calmly and rationally.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Taxman said:


> I suggest you get an air horn. One client solved his wife's tirades by purchasing the air horn and when his wife went off on him, he would blast it. If she continued, he would blast it again, only closer to her. Eventually, this practice worked like a "Skinner box", she came to expect the blast every time she went off on him, and it drove home the point that he ignored her angry tirades. Eventually, the rudeness and anger stopped. I think one or two blasts near her ears and she was having some hearing difficulties, now she knows to discuss things calmly and rationally.


I would love to have tried this in my previous marriage lol


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

I like the air horn idea.. Will have to remember that when it's spouse and I alone.. Spouse tends to be negative and yes sometimes I go off on him because I get tired of listening to him over and over and his worries as well ( very anxious). I do let him know he already mentioned that 5X's calmly but after awhile..... 

Anyways, yes continue to be there for your daughter and son-- best thing! They already know what's going on. Men have basements and garages for a reason. To get some peace!! ha ha And continue to remain calm and when she goes off, just go do something you need to do in the garage. My dad was always working on cars in the garage when I was younger either that or in the garden. It's also great for the kids to see your hobbies.. Yes, I understand that marriages should not be like this but you have to do something for your own sanity as well. Marriage counseling could help point out that communication needs to improve.


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## Proverbs21:19 (Jul 5, 2018)

thx for the input guys.

I know this sounds way unpolitically correct.......but what ****s me up the most is the way she IMO overreacted and made my daughter upset (she was REALLY upset) and forced her to go with her. The only comparison I can make (become unhinged now) is the left parading children out to advance their agenda. It just makes me sick and lose all respect for her. I get it she was mad I had a few and maybe wanted my daughter to comewith her, but she didn't have to lose her **** and freak my daughter out and make it a dividing point. To me it speaks to character.

I'm so stressed right now....


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I grew up in a home that was more war zone/lunatic asylum than anything else. To this day, I still have to deal with issues I have from listening to my nagging mother go at my detached, indifferent father. What you daughter is being exposed to is doing her more harm than you realize. Me? By the time I was seven years old, I started having anxiety. By the time I was eight, I was dealing with depression. And I kept the lid on it, because heaven forbid if dear old mom even thought I was going to give her a similar pain in the butt as dad.

So, you won't divorce. Counseling is out. Okay, here's what your gut is telling you: You are miserable. You aren't happy in this marriage. But the other side keeps talking you into staying. Meanwhile, you're turning into an emotional wreck. Guzzle down a six pack to alleviate the stress. Works for several hours, then it's back to the looney show.

You have painted yourself into a corner. You may not realize it, but you have. End of my story? I married to alcoholics who were eerily similar in many ways to my parents. Adult child trying to "fix" family of origin. Didn't work. 

But if you believe staying for the sake of your daughter is the way to go, then do it. But it's sure as hell no way to live. And that tiny little voice you keep trying to stifle that is telling you this situation is bad for you? You can shove it down with beer, food, or anything-else-you-so-desire, but it will persist. Sadly, you may end up dropping dead from the stress. JMO.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

Prodigal said:


> I grew up in a home that was more war zone/lunatic asylum than anything else. To this day, I still have to deal with issues I have from listening to my nagging mother go at my detached, indifferent father. What you daughter is being exposed to is doing her more harm than you realize. Me? By the time I was seven years old, I started having anxiety. By the time I was eight, I was dealing with depression. And I kept the lid on it, because heaven forbid if dear old mom even thought I was going to give her a similar pain in the butt as dad.
> 
> So, you won't divorce. Counseling is out. Okay, here's what your gut is telling you: You are miserable. You aren't happy in this marriage. But the other side keeps talking you into staying. Meanwhile, you're turning into an emotional wreck. Guzzle down a six pack to alleviate the stress. Works for several hours, then it's back to the looney show.
> 
> ...


Oh Prodigal - this was my H's childhood to a t. He would even hide physical illnesses because he mother couldn't cope with anything not being perfect and she was miserable company at home - butshe also boasts about how he got the award for '100% attendence' when he left primary school (puke). It really has caused mental health problems with all 5 children to varying degrees. These people were also respectable Christians who looked down on anyone who got divorced. My husband wishes they had divorced and that his dad was a poor role model for him. Domestic tyrant is how he will remember his mother. 

(OP not suggesting your situation is the same just wanted to share)


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## MapMan (Dec 11, 2015)

You don't need to put up with any abuse and you can say that. Just don't expect her to agree with you or realize her mistakes. If she's being abusive, leave. My best tool was to go to the gym - you get out of the house and you also improve yourself. It's a subtle message to her subconscious. If you are overweight, lose it. She will test you - when you come back, she will inform you how bad you are, accuse you of being abusive, etc. Just have none of it. Say what you need to say and no more. don't let her wind you up. Be prepared to blow up any event. Don't reward bad behavior. Don't tell her what you are doing; just be of few words and be unflappable. Choose someone you admire to channel. For me it was Clint Eastwood.


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## Proverbs21:19 (Jul 5, 2018)

Prodigal said:


> I grew up in a home that was more war zone/lunatic asylum than anything else. To this day, I still have to deal with issues I have from listening to my nagging mother go at my detached, indifferent father. What you daughter is being exposed to is doing her more harm than you realize. Me? By the time I was seven years old, I started having anxiety. By the time I was eight, I was dealing with depression. And I kept the lid on it, because heaven forbid if dear old mom even thought I was going to give her a similar pain in the butt as dad.
> 
> So, you won't divorce. Counseling is out. Okay, here's what your gut is telling you: You are miserable. You aren't happy in this marriage. But the other side keeps talking you into staying. Meanwhile, you're turning into an emotional wreck. Guzzle down a six pack to alleviate the stress. Works for several hours, then it's back to the looney show.
> 
> ...


You nailed it. Worst part is dropping dead would be ok with me. Wife’s made sure to take out insurance policy (larger than I was told and in her name) which I feel would be the best outcome after witnessing such opposing views in raising my son. Jewish, Christian who’s to say who’s right, but she’s being raised Jewish and I think one voice is better than two opposing voices.


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## Proverbs21:19 (Jul 5, 2018)

MapMan said:


> You don't need to put up with any abuse and you can say that. Just don't expect her to agree with you or realize her mistakes. If she's being abusive, leave. My best tool was to go to the gym - you get out of the house and you also improve yourself. It's a subtle message to her subconscious. If you are overweight, lose it. She will test you - when you come back, she will inform you how bad you are, accuse you of being abusive, etc. Just have none of it. Say what you need to say and no more. don't let her wind you up. Be prepared to blow up any event. Don't reward bad behavior. Don't tell her what you are doing; just be of few words and be unflappable. Choose someone you admire to channel. For me it was Clint Eastwood.


I agree to some extent. I’m about 30lbs overweight but it comes off quick with me and I have a good build and no issues getting in shape.... just don’t drink your calories. Her on the other hand.....she’s 80 lbs overweight yet comfortable, which means she’ll never lose it, buys all organic and pigs out at midnight. Then lectures me on types of food and portions for my daughter lol. Seriously. But still, I could bike or exercise all day and the issues would be running through my head. Couple years ago I stopped everything, smoking, drink and small amounts not of Xanax...outcome? Panic attack. Only ever one in my life. Hospital, heart stint.......blah, blah....

And for the record I no longer smoke and take 1/2 the Xanax I used to....I just gained 20lbs back after quitting smoking.

That said f-Ing feel,the stress.


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## Proverbs21:19 (Jul 5, 2018)

TMI...


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Proverbs21:19 said:


> problem with my son was I never dated his mom. It was a one week thing, she swore she could not get pregnant, had her cervix removed etc. etc.) so we went at it like bunnies then she went on vacation for a month and I got the call. I never dated her again after as it came to light her fiance had passed a month before she met me and "God had taken one life from her and given her one in return"... WTF?? I ran for the hills, but always saw my son as thats how I was raised and had a step sister and brother since birth. So he and I were not tight, and I was in my 20's and then 30's etc. I was kinda tough on him as to real life things where she and his GM and GF where hippie kids and life was all flowers and peace. Sorry man, but I was there for his debate clubs 3 hours away etc.... I was also there to let him know C's where not going to cut it in physics if you wanted NASA. so teens were tough man. Now fast forward 6-8 years and we're closer than ever. He feels for me, as he knows what I have to deal with. It's wierd.
> 
> My daughter says stuff like last week when we were gonna go see my folks. "dad, lets take 2 cars so mom won't yell at you the whole time" My wife does not treat other like this though. I fear as you said that my daughter will see us and NOT want to get married. (my parents have been married my whole life, as were my wife's...so perhaps thats some reluctance as well)
> 
> ...


Your life but you are making a mistake. What you are doing is unsustainable and will only make things worse. And it's certainly is not what an Alpha would do.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Proverbs21:19 said:


> Wife’s made sure to take out insurance policy (larger than I was told and in her name) which I feel would be the best outcome after witnessing such opposing views in raising my son. Jewish, Christian who’s to say who’s right, but she’s being raised Jewish and I think one voice is better than two opposing voices.


Raising your daughter as a Jew, Buddhist, Christian, atheist, whatever is not the issue here. And I think you know that but are sidestepping it.

Your wife is a ballbusting nag. At least, from your description that is what I deduce. And look at the example your child is witnessing. Like I said, I grew up in a home where this type of nonsense was an everyday occurrence. And, yes, my parents took turns using me as a weapon in their ongoing war. 

Like your daughter, I frequently wanted to be with my father rather than my mother. That didn't happen because dear old dad didn't have the spine to tell mom to shut up and back down. I loved my dad, but he was willing to throw me under the bus to pacify my witch of a mother. If she started ranting, he'd shut down and I'd be stuck in the middle. She'd bully me into doing something I really didn't want to do and he'd go along just so he didn't have to hear her nagging/yelling/bullying.

There was certainly no love lost for my mother when I left home. But to this day, I still have times when I get downright angry that my dad gave into my mom and that he wasn't there backing me up.

Something you might want to consider. And, as a p.s., I'm all for buying the air horn as well as just telling your wife to shut her big pie hole and f off.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Proverbs21:19 said:


> I've threatened to leave, even stayed at a hotel for a week a few years back......problem is I don't think she can change. She's the type that will say "I just don't connect" when you tell her to read a self help book. I got her to read who moved my cheese once though.


How very....effeminate ... of you to ask her to read some lame self help book. And as predicted, it *didn't *do squat - except make some self proclaimed guru $15 richer. 

You're like the mouse that roared. You've 'threatened' to leave (and then *don't* - so it's just a childish empty threat because you've proven you're too cowardly to stand behind your words) and one time you actually spent a whole week at the No-Tell Motel. Golly, THAT sure showed her who's boss!

Not.

When you came crawling home a week later, you showed her EXACTLY who's boss. And it ain't you. Not by a long shot.

I'm just telling it like it is. Wimps get walked on, steamrolled, and DISRESPECTED. 

And that's exactly how she sees you - weak and too afraid to demand the respect you deserve.

Don't keep proving her RIGHT by making empty threats then not standing behind them. You're just proving over and over and over that you're weak.


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## Proverbs21:19 (Jul 5, 2018)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> How very....effeminate ... of you to ask her to read some lame self help book. And as predicted, it *didn't *do squat - except make some self proclaimed guru $15 richer.
> 
> You're like the mouse that roared. You've 'threatened' to leave (and then *don't* - so it's just a childish empty threat because you've proven you're too cowardly to stand behind your words) and one time you actually spent a whole week at the No-Tell Motel. Golly, THAT sure showed her who's boss!
> 
> ...


Hope you feel better now......deleted my initial response, as someone like yourself just isn't worth the trouble.

have a nice day.


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## PaulB (Jun 26, 2018)

Taxman said:


> ...I recommend that you stop engaging. Stop doing what she wants, answer in one or two word answers...



^^^

Don't engage, don't engage, don't engage. 

Your reactions validate her craziness to her. Whichever direction they swing, but especially if you react by getting upset back at her. No reactions/engagement from you leaves the craziness hers and hers alone.

Don't just voice record, if you decide to go that route. Video record some interactions. At first secretly, in case you do get divorced. Later on, when she goes into a rant, just take out your cell phone and start recording video. It'll piss her off but maybe make her think about how she is acting.


I'm not so sure body cams shouldn't be standard issue in marriages.



Anyway, life is short. Nagging, critical, verbally abusive. Not only is this the experience you get to embrace until the day you die, it is probably going to help kill you off several years before you will otherwise die. The problem is worse than you can see while in the middle of it. After divorcing and getting away from my first wife there was this unbelievable PEACE in my life.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Proverbs21:19 said:


> I've seen all the standard online stuff, but curious about real world input on how people keep their sanity when around someone who is negative 98% of the time? how do you do it, what techniques?


To answer your original question ... Most people don't. Keep their sanity, that is, when around someone as toxic as your wife. Sure, people DO stay, but their coping mechanisms are detrimental because - AGAIN - deep inside that little voice is telling them, "this is bad for me."

The innocent victim in this mess is your daughter. Seeing what goes on between you and your wife ... NOT good role models for her as to what constitutes marriage.

Sorry I can't offer you coping techniques, because I would not tolerate anyone behaving this way in my life. JMO.


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## MichelleThoughts (Jun 24, 2018)

I definitely think you should be more upfront and honest about how exaspperated you are. I really don't think I am that bad but my husband has a very low tolerance for stuff like that. He can actually be a bit of a jerk sometimes. He has told me he won't want to come home if I keep acting certain ways. 

In our case it really pisses me off for a few minutes but soon I am like, "he is so hot to not let me push him around" and usually then I want to apologize for my part in the conflict and make up. 

I grew up with my mom getting outrageously mad all the time at my stepdad who was just a doormat. I found it painful just to watch! You need to exercise self respect and let her know you just won't put up with it anymore.


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## Luminous (Jan 14, 2018)

Proverbs21:19 said:


> Hope you feel better now......deleted my initial response, as someone like yourself just isn't worth the trouble.
> 
> have a nice day.


You might want to re-read his post when you feel calmer, and take the emotions out of it if you can. There is alot of truth in what he has said.

I'm not saying this to be a bastard, but there are some major read flags that even in your circumstances should be able to be seen, but, going off what you have said, you are pleading ignorance to facing up to some harsh realities.

It is easier to just accept the status quo as being the only way forward, but your situation WILL NOT improve unless you take some affirmative action.

I wish you the best and hope you can move on from this.

Sent from my HTC_M9u using Tapatalk


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## Proverbs21:19 (Jul 5, 2018)

Luminous said:


> You might want to re-read his post when you feel calmer, and take the emotions out of it if you can. There is alot of truth in what he has said.
> 
> I'm not saying this to be a bastard, but there are some major read flags that even in your circumstances should be able to be seen, but, going off what you have said, you are pleading ignorance to facing up to some harsh realities.
> 
> ...


i didn't take it as a he, rathaer a cranky ol hag.

I have been going to counseling the last 2 days for myself. something struck me over the weekend that I had forgotten. Control is based on fear. So, when she tells me how dangerous a lint ball (JK obviously) is, I think to myself how this is just her fear and/or insecurity. 

Sure, I've made some empty threats in the past, but not many and not all empty...to the extent that I know my next move must be for good and no threat, no warning. just done. So I will do what I need to to get my house in order and can move forward knowing full well I did everything in my power to make it work. 

wish me luck.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

@Proverbs21:19: I am not trying to be rude but I almost laughed when I read your comment about you being an alpha, but wishing to be a beta. 

Let me categorically tell you: you are not alpha at all, way,way more like a passive-aggressive weak guy, that does not really have what it takes to be dominant in your relationship.
You are teaching your daughter how to treat men, not your wife. Your daughter is picking up on your weak character, and your weak responses to your wife.

Moreover, @She'sStillGotIt response is spot on about your lack of balls in dealing with your wife.

I'm telling you, give me your wife one day and I'll have her lapping at my hand by the of the day. I wouldn't put more than a couple of minutes with all the **** you've been putting with your whole marriage.

Act more, talk less.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

LOL.


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

Proverbs21:19 said:


> I can't walk past my wife without being told what to do, reminded about everything..... I mean everythings. We have a 9 year old and it's gotten to the point I can see her actually using her in her emotional rages. i.e. she decides to do something different than we had planned or so and then tells daughter she is going with her to the point of daughter crying because she wants to be with me.
> 
> I just have to keep my mouth shut, because no answer is the right answer. Lately my daughter has started pushing back on her about her pettiness and nagging, and of course thats my fault because wife says I taught her that...... From the moment she gets out of bed she is mean.
> 
> ...


My wife, or soon to be ex-wife, is the same way. She's always working and never around and then makes these bizarre plans on the weekends which are non stop from morning to night as a way to make up for not being around. If I say something then she throws a fit, and if my son says something, she threats to take something away from him if he doesn't go. It's absolutely ridiculous, and has only gotten worse since we started the divorce. Start making plans for just you and your daughter to do things together without her. If she says something about it or tries to change those plans just tell her that's what the two of you decided and she can join or not. Give her a minute to decide and just leave. Stop taking the crap from her and stand up to it. Don't yell, raise your voice or even suggested anything thing. Just tell her that these are the plans and that's it.


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