# Confession dilemma



## SL73 (Jul 3, 2009)

Hi,

I have been married about 3 years, and ever since our marriage began, we have not had a very active sex life (once a month, but sometimes almost 2 months in between), and my wife would turn me down a lot. 
Last summer, I went and got a "Happy Ending" massage. I felt absolutely terrible about it. Most advice I have read says not to tell, as this would only make me feel better and devastate my wife. I managed to put it out of my mind eventually and move on.
However, I have had an incredibly hard time lately, due to a combination of factors. For one thing, our marriage lately has been stronger than ever, and we have been very close and affectionate. Also, our anniversary is coming up. These things have made my guilt spiral out of control. My stomach has been upset for the past week, and I have barely been able to eat. My wife has noticed my weight loss this week. I spent all this past weekend with her. It was great, because we just stayed in and cuddled together and watched movies, and we have been incredibly close. She said it's the best weekend she's had in a long time. I loved it too, but nearly the whole time I was on the verge of bursting into tears. I am close to bursting into tears now again at work and I am sick again. I don't want to hurt her, but I don't want to lie to her either. What if this thing I did would make her not want me anymore? 
I am a wreck. I told her this past weekend how happy I am that we have the rest of our lives ahead of us to spend together and she said the same. I love her more than anything else, and the thought of life without her is horrible. 
How can I get through this? Is it ever possible to forgive yourself? With how strong our bond is, is it possible that if I told her, she wouldn't divorce me? I can't live without her.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Guilt is a strong emotion, I think you should just concentrate on all the good going on in your relationship.
Life if a long time to live in a perfect way, we are all just human. I know you feel guilt and it wasn't something you should have done and I think you have learned what kind of damage that can do to someone(yourself) and I think you wouldn't repeat the situation again if you felt that weakness in your relationship.
You are one of the few that learns from your mistakes.....
You could tell her but if you know it would never happen again, why do it....It would just open up doors of trust issues and why do this.....You two are happy now, keep building on that and just replace all your guilty thoughts with new memories of all the happy times together.....Let it go, forgive yourself.....don't let one mistake ruin all the good you two have......
You sound like a great guy who made one mistake and have learned from it and that's all anyone would want........
good luck


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

I agree with Jessi completely. You sound like a good guy who made a STUPID mistake. Telling your wife will only cause more issues as Jessi explains. 

Concentrate on your marriage and keeping it wonderful and focusing on the two of you. 

Guilt is a strong emotion and I am sure it is tearing you up inside but as someone else mentioned, telling her will only make YOU feel better, not her. And not to be mean but consider the guilt and how you feel as your punishment for what you did. It sucks that you have to suffer through those feelings but that's the price you pay for your mistake. Don't make your wife suffer too by telling her. 

Good Luck and enjoy your wife and your wonderful marriage.


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## SL73 (Jul 3, 2009)

I completely agree, I do feel that the guilt that is tearing me up is punishment, and that I totally deserve it. And she doesn't deserve to have this inflicted on her. 

I do worry that she may end up deducing on her own that something is wrong, but so far I don't think that has entered her mind. The only thing that worries me is that in times like this when my guilt attacks, my sex drive drops, and if she does want to be intimate, and I can't perform due to guilt, that would be a definite red flag to her. I need to be able to clear my mind at that time. 

I want to be every bit the guy she thinks I am. Her mother and her friends tell that she is lucky to have me, and I do not want to ruin that for her. I want to make her as happy as she makes me, for the rest of our lives.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So...if your wife was on a business trip, and went out to dinner, and was sitting there thinking about how you never fill her need for conversation, and some poor schmuck was alone in town and needed someone to have dinner with, and had dinner with her, and it 'filled a need' for both of them (her having no one to talk to for the last 3 years of marriage) for that one night, and as he left, he gave her a big passionate kiss, and she'll remember that kiss for the rest of her life but decide not to tell you because it would 'hurt' you, and she spends the next 40 years of your marriage never telling you about that kiss (which, incidentally, means more to a woman than a happy ending massage means to a man)...

would you be ok with not knowing?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

btw, have you ever TALKED to your WIFE about why you have so little sex?

What is a marriage if you don't have honest conversation? You're supposed to be best friends.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

LOL :iagree: As usual I agree with tunera--but I'm just softer about it. 

Here's the thing--for a marriage to be truly intimate there has to be personal transparency. That means letting another person see the real you: the good, the bad, and the ugly. Also, the fact of the matter is that sometimes the real truth hurts. But hearing the real truth from you will be far better than 10 years from now accidentally "finding out" about it. 

You know as well as I do that it is going to hurt her. You know as well as I do that if you love her, she deserves to know the truth. I think you also know as well as I do that being honest is ALWAYS the best option. Always! Even honesty that hurts. 

Sooo... I suggest that you tell her, let her cry and ask you a zillion questions, tell her a zillion times what a mistake it was and how sorry you are, show her in your actions that you are there for her to help her deal with it.


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## NightOwl (Sep 28, 2009)

My sex life with my partner had dropped off in the months leading up to the affair. When he first confessed and I didn't know the extent of things, the thought ran through my mind that if he had a one night stand I could forgive him easily because sex is a human need. That wasn't the case, unfortunately, but if it had been something like a "happy ending" I honestly think it would have been pretty manageable. I am pretty liberal in my views of sexuality though.

The bigger problem is if you don't resolve the sexual issues in your marriage, will you be tempted to stray again? I think that experience was a big red flag and you need to deal with it, whether or not that involves telling your wife.


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