# Post BPD Relationship Success Stories?



## forumman83

I am just getting out of a long marriage with a woman I suspect is BPD Positive. 

Just wondering if anyone has any successful new relatonship stories after getting out of similar BPD relationships.

For instance, did you find yourself hooking up with similar people?

Did you take lessons from previous mistakes and learn to spot warning signs early?


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## bahbahsheep

sorry what is BPD?


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## SkyHigh

Bi-polar disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder?


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## Hoosier

30 years married to what I am sure is a BPD woman. Since D last year have stayed SO FAR away from anyone even hinting of condition! Never ever going down that road again!


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## SkyHigh

If you're going with Borderline and not Bi-Polar, then I'm married to the former.

For how much longer is anybody's guess.


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## ing

I am pretty convinced I spent the best part of my life with a BPD woman. It is only after you get out that you realize how far you bent over for them. Of course this could be re-writing of marital history but I keep getting "Oh shoot" moments, especially since I am hanging out with someone is so obviously totally opposite. 

She said today: "Well you married her and stayed married to her for 25 years " 
Quiet. 

I just tell her the old one about getting married early because she gave me a BJ..


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## Jellybeans

Forrumman, you can go on to have a successful relationship with someone who isn't BPD. Plenty of people have.


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## COGypsy

The trick is working on yourself first so that you aren't drawn into another similar relationship by your desire to please and rescue someone. Healthy people find other healthy people for relationships.


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## ScarletBegonias

I was diagnosed as a borderline about 10 years ago.

We are perfectly nice and perfectly dateable people if we have our issues under control and we aren't in denial about our issues.I rarely tell anyone I'm borderline unless I think it's going to get serious.no one usually notices bc I have my situation under control and recognize my triggers.

Stop dating women who seem to need a hero to fix them or make them better. You can't fix anyone or make anyone better. 

The minute you see those signs, you need to bail asap.

Good luck


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## COguy

I haven't had a "relationship" yet, but I can tell you life is like 1000x times better since I've been out.

Dating normal people is like the easy button.

My task will be making sure I'm not over-giving, but being willing to receive as well, and making sure things are balanced.

I've noticed myself recognizing the "hero" mentality and stopping myself from trying to save the day when something goes wrong.

Still have some codependency issues that I need working on, but not anything that I feel would let me back into a toxic relationship like I was in.


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## forumman83

ScarletBegonias said:


> I was diagnosed as a borderline about 10 years ago.
> 
> We are perfectly nice and perfectly dateable people if we have our issues under control and we aren't in denial about our issues.I rarely tell anyone I'm borderline unless I think it's going to get serious.no one usually notices bc I have my situation under control and recognize my triggers.
> 
> Stop dating women who seem to need a hero to fix them or make them better. You can't fix anyone or make anyone better.
> 
> The minute you see those signs, you need to bail asap.
> 
> Good luck


Scarlet, what if you DONT have your issues together. In your opinion, is there any hope. Or is there anything the SO can do??


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## forumman83

COguy said:


> I haven't had a "relationship" yet, but I can tell you life is like 1000x times better since I've been out.
> 
> Dating normal people is like the easy button.
> 
> My task will be making sure I'm not over-giving, but being willing to receive as well, and making sure things are balanced.
> 
> I've noticed myself recognizing the "hero" mentality and stopping myself from trying to save the day when something goes wrong.
> 
> Still have some codependency issues that I need working on, but not anything that I feel would let me back into a toxic relationship like I was in.


Thanks CO

Good realizations, especially the "hero button" Just wondering how this has manifested while you've been dating?


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## forumman83

Jellybeans said:


> Forrumman, you can go on to have a successful relationship with someone who isn't BPD. Plenty of people have.


I believe it, Jelly. Just looking for some personal success stories...


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## ScarletBegonias

forumman83 said:


> Scarlet, what if you DONT have your issues together. In your opinion, is there any hope. Or is there anything the SO can do??


no.as a borderline I can say I wouldn't date or even be friends with a borderline who hasn't pulled themselves out of the entitled,in denial state of mind. There is NO hope with a borderline who can't see they have problems. There is NO hope with a borderline who refuses to get help. 

There is NOTHING any family member,partner,friend,etc can do to help a borderline who doesn't want to help themselves. All you'll get for your trouble is manipulation,guilt,a broken heart,and broken trust.

I'm sorry if this offends other borderlines but you know as well as I do that everything I'm saying is 100% truth. If you're a borderline and don't see these things as truth...you're one of the ones people need to stay away from bc you aren't in any emotional position to form a healthy bond with anyone.


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## forumman83

ScarletBegonias said:


> no.as a borderline I can say I wouldn't date or even be friends with a borderline who hasn't pulled themselves out of the entitled,in denial state of mind. There is NO hope with a borderline who can't see they have problems. There is NO hope with a borderline who refuses to get help.
> 
> There is NOTHING any family member,partner,friend,etc can do to help a borderline who doesn't want to help themselves. All you'll get for your trouble is manipulation,guilt,a broken heart,and broken trust.
> 
> I'm sorry if this offends other borderlines but you know as well as I do that everything I'm saying is 100% truth. If you're a borderline and don't see these things as truth...you're one of the ones people need to stay away from bc you aren't in any emotional position to form a healthy bond with anyone.


Yeah this is how I felt my entire relationship. I would just sit there an think "WHAT THE F*ck just happened???" Over and over again. I felt manipulated big time but just wasn't sure if this is just "HOW WOMEN ARE" or if my STBX had a serious disorder...

Can you give me some examples of how your BPD would manifest itself within your relationships prior to you being aware?


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## ScarletBegonias

forumman83 said:


> Yeah this is how I felt my entire relationship. I would just sit there an think "WHAT THE F*ck just happened???" Over and over again. I felt manipulated big time but just wasn't sure if this is just "HOW WOMEN ARE" or if my STBX had a serious disorder...
> 
> Can you give me some examples of how your BPD would manifest itself within your relationships prior to you being aware?


Any argument,any fight,any disagreement...i would somehow manipulate my partner so badly that he would actually think it was his fault and he would end up apologizing.EVERY SINGLE TIME. Even when it was so pathetically obvious I was the one in the wrong.

I made him live in fear of sending me into a meltdown.he had to tiptoe around my moods. 

I alienated him from his friends, from his family, from basically everyone. I isolated him until he had no one but me.


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## COguy

forumman83 said:


> Thanks CO
> 
> Good realizations, especially the "hero button" Just wondering how this has manifested while you've been dating?


The hero thing? Well feeling like I should be paying for everything, especially if they mention anything about money. One girl wanted to switch jobs and I was going to expend some effort pulling strings with people I know in the business. Girl I was seeing for a few weeks' car broke down and I immediately started thinking of ways I could help or getting it fixed for her. 

Just stuff like that. When I catch myself I just remind myself that it's not my job to be everyone's hero. I'll spend a long time trying to find the right balance but even just recognizing it is an important step I think.


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## ScarletBegonias

COguy said:


> The hero thing? Well feeling like I should be paying for everything, especially if they mention anything about money. One girl wanted to switch jobs and I was going to expend some effort pulling strings with people I know in the business. Girl I was seeing for a few weeks' car broke down and I immediately started thinking of ways I could help or getting it fixed for her.
> 
> Just stuff like that. When I catch myself I just remind myself that it's not my job to be everyone's hero. I'll spend a long time trying to find the right balance but even just recognizing it is an important step I think.


That's a borderlines dream situation. The hero man. 

SMH thinking about all those hero men getting destroyed by borderline chicks,*past* self included.


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## COguy

ScarletBegonias said:


> Any argument,any fight,any disagreement...i would somehow manipulate my partner so badly that he would actually think it was his fault and he would end up apologizing.EVERY SINGLE TIME. Even when it was so pathetically obvious I was the one in the wrong.
> 
> I made him live in fear of sending me into a meltdown.he had to tiptoe around my moods.
> 
> I alienated him from his friends, from his family, from basically everyone. I isolated him until he had no one but me.


Wow, really blows a$$ to see someone spell it out like that, but that's exactly what life was like. 

Glad you got help, you're one of the lucky ones.


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## ScarletBegonias

forgot to add...borderlines are VERY charming.You'll feel like the most amazing man on the planet.showered in compliments and affection,tons of amazing passionate sex too. That's what makes a borderline hard to resist...at first lol


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## joe kidd

ScarletBegonias said:


> Any argument,any fight,any disagreement...i would somehow manipulate my partner so badly that he would actually think it was his fault and he would end up apologizing.EVERY SINGLE TIME. Even when it was so pathetically obvious I was the one in the wrong.
> 
> I made him live in fear of sending me into a meltdown.he had to tiptoe around my moods.
> 
> I alienated him from his friends, from his family, from basically everyone. I isolated him until he had no one but me.


Pidge? Do you have a second acct? :scratchhead:


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## Conrad

ScarletBegonias said:


> forgot to add...borderlines are VERY charming.You'll feel like the most amazing man on the planet.showered in compliments and affection,tons of amazing passionate sex too. That's what makes a borderline hard to resist...at first lol


The psychological term for it is "mirroring"

It helps form the delusion (in their partner) that they are the "perfect" partner they've always been seeking.


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## Mavash.

ScarletBegonias said:


> Any argument,any fight,any disagreement...i would somehow manipulate my partner so badly that he would actually think it was his fault and he would end up apologizing.EVERY SINGLE TIME. Even when it was so pathetically obvious I was the one in the wrong.
> 
> I made him live in fear of sending me into a meltdown.he had to tiptoe around my moods.
> 
> I alienated him from his friends, from his family, from basically everyone. I isolated him until he had no one but me.


You nailed it. I did the exact same things.

I'm SO glad I'm not that person anymore.


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## pidge70

joe kidd said:


> Pidge? Do you have a second acct? :scratchhead:


Ha ha ha
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## forumman83

Thanks for the responses. I'm learning a lot right now.

Mavash and Scarlet, you guys basically are confirming what I *think* I felt in the relationship, i.e., that any time she FELT unloved (for whatever reason), the blame would be put on me for NOT LOVING HER, or not making her FEEL Loved (even though, in my mind, I did...a lot)

For instance, we were at a friend's wedding a few months back. she went to the bathroom and I went up to the bar to get us some drinks. While waiting in line at the bar, I started talking to some ppl I etc. etc. I actually timed how long I was at the bar, and it was approximately 6-7 minutes. At this time, my STBXW came back from the broom and was sitting at our table with HER SISTER and HER SISTER HUSBAND. So I actually said to the ppl I was tlaking to "hey guys I gotta go, my W is waiting for me at our table" and I walked back.

I get back to the table and she is PISSED saying she can't believe I left her "alone" and obviously I dont love her. In my mind I was thinking wtf i was gone for like 5 minutes and you are here with your S and her H just chill out and have a good time...

So now I start to think "well maybe if I would have done this or that different...or maybe if I came back and just showed her I loved her, she wouldn't have reacted this way??"

Maybe you guys can give me some insight from experience??


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## forumman83

Conrad said:


> The psychological term for it is "mirroring"
> 
> It helps form the delusion (in their partner) that they are the "perfect" partner they've always been seeking.


Ya, Conrad...when I look back, I think she did a lot of mirroring.

For instance, about a week after our most recent Separation, we talked on the phone and she said "I'm so hurt that I've been crying every night and can't sleep..."

I thought about it after and what I thought was that she was simply mirroring my feelings. I had serious doubts that she felt any of that, as sad as that sounds.


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## Mavash.

forumman83 said:


> So now I start to think "well maybe if I would have done this or that different...or maybe if I came back and just showed her I loved her, she wouldn't have reacted this way??"


This is the kind of crazy making that living with a BPDer will do for you. This belief that you can somehow prevent or fix crazy and you just can't.

We're so skilled at making you believe everything is your fault that eventually you do begin to believe it. I think once you get some distance between you and her you'll begin to see things more clearly.


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## Mavash.

forumman83 said:


> For instance, about a week after our most recent Separation, we talked on the phone and she said "I'm so hurt that I've been crying every night and can't sleep..."


I call it scripted. I didn't know how to behave like a normal person so I kinda faked it when I felt the need.


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## COguy

forumman83 said:


> Maybe you guys can give me some insight from experience??


The best insight I can give you is to read the book "emotional vampires". It will jack your sh*t up.

There are a million side effects of living with someone with personality disorders, but by far the most influential and demoralizing is YOU feeling like YOU are crazy.

It's really hard when you're isolated from everyone else (as Scarlet mentioned people with PD's do, they have to or you would be getting constant validation of your normalness and their insanity), when you're constantly being berated, to have the confidence to know that you're normal.

It took me getting out of the house, talking to people I trusted honestly about what was going on, that's when I started realizing I was normal. Also, recording every conversation was a godsend, I wish I would have started that earlier. It was just verifiable proof that I was communicating calmly and effectively, and that she was twisting my words and overreacting.

But when I read that book about emotional vampires, that's when it all clicked and my eyes were opened. There's all different types of PDs too, I think my wife is probably more histrionic than borderline, but at the end of the day they all do very similar stuff.

The isolation, manipulation, outbursts, overreacting, pushing and pulling, mirroring, projecting, double standards...it's all the standard playbook for someone with a PD.


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## pidge70

Look, I have done horrible things to those I love, atrocious things. I am not in any way trying to excuse my actions or those of any other person like me BUT, we did not just wake up one day and decide to act the way we do. I for one was abused in a debilitating way. We were made this way. Again, I am not excusing my actions, just wanted to clarify that I would have chosen anything else than to be this way. It is a LONG tough road ahead of me. I hope I can complete my journey to emotional health. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/anxiet...209-little-girl-lost-my-journey-normalcy.html


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## COguy

Also, wanted to mention that although you'll hear stories from SB or Pidge about recovering from BPD, they are in the vast minority of people with BPD that receive and complete treatment.

In the world of mental health, BPD, especially if paired with narcissism, is like a death sentence. Someone described it as a mentally challenged person getting a degree in college. It can be done with a lot of hard work and effort. A BPDer getting successful treatment is like a mentally challenged person who is trying their hardest NOT to get a college degree, what would the likelihood of that person getting a college degree if they are both mentally unfit for it AND lack the motivation?

Personality disorders are very difficult to "cure" because they are both hard to treat, and the disorder makes the person extremely resistant to the treatment itself. Most BPDers will not ever want to get treatment. Many of them, if they go into treatment, will not stick to it once it gets difficult. If they have narcissistic tendencies it is highly unlikely that they will ever admit to having a problem, even after hitting rock bottom.


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## forumman83

COguy said:


> Also, wanted to mention that although you'll hear stories from SB or Pidge about recovering from BPD, they are in the vast minority of people with BPD that receive and complete treatment.
> 
> In the world of mental health, BPD, especially if paired with narcissism, is like a death sentence. Someone described it as a mentally challenged person getting a degree in college. It can be done with a lot of hard work and effort. A BPDer getting successful treatment is like a mentally challenged person who is trying their hardest NOT to get a college degree, what would the likelihood of that person getting a college degree if they are both mentally unfit for it AND lack the motivation?
> 
> Personality disorders are very difficult to "cure" because they are both hard to treat, and the disorder makes the person extremely resistant to the treatment itself. Most BPDers will not ever want to get treatment. Many of them, if they go into treatment, will not stick to it once it gets difficult. If they have narcissistic tendencies it is highly unlikely that they will ever admit to having a problem, even after hitting rock bottom.


Good points coguy...doesn't sound very likely then eh...

How about your X girl...what is she up to now that you two have split?


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## forumman83

Mavash. said:


> I call it scripted. I didn't know how to behave like a normal person so I kinda faked it when I felt the need.


Oh man...I'm really struggling with comprehending this because it is so far from my reality.

Can you try to explain further...


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## ScarletBegonias

I agree with Pidge. We were made this way. We didn't just wake up one morning and decide "hmmm I think I'll make some dudes life a living hell" Another thing about borderlines...many of us believe we are evil people and we expect everyone to abandon us eventually so we do our best to be the one doing the abandoning.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pidge70

ScarletBegonias said:


> I agree with Pidge. We were made this way. We didn't just wake up one morning and decide "hmmm I think I'll make some dudes life a living hell" Another thing about borderlines...many of us believe we are evil people and we expect everyone to abandon us eventually so we do our best to be the one doing the abandoning.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Exactly! It's a control thing. Push them away so they are leaving on "our" terms.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScarletBegonias

I had to learn to ask my partner "is this normal that I'm feeling like this or is this off the charts?" I used other people as my gauge for how I was supposed to be feeling and thinking til I learned to recognize my triggers and handle myself without needing help from my partner. I still have moments where I question "is this how I really feel or is my mind twisting things up?"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScarletBegonias

pidge70 said:


> Exactly! It's a control thing. Push them away so they are leaving on "our" terms.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And the emotional tests..." how much can I do to him before he'll leave? How much does he love me?" pushing and pushing so we can feel loved but we never do feel satisfied we are loved enough.
Then when the friend,partner,parent is emotionally drained and fed up...we move on to the next.

Unless we are aware of our problem. I would actually vocalize to my partner "I'm feeling triggered and I might be strange or standoffish but it isn't your fault.you did nothing wrong"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## forumman83

ScarletBegonias said:


> I agree with Pidge. We were made this way. We didn't just wake up one morning and decide "hmmm I think I'll make some dudes life a living hell" Another thing about borderlines...many of us believe we are evil people and we expect everyone to abandon us eventually so we do our best to be the one doing the abandoning.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ok. I understand that...I've experienced it with my STBX, however, were you in any way, shape, or form aware of this before you became aware of your BPD?


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## forumman83

ScarletBegonias said:


> And the emotional tests..." how much can I do to him before he'll leave? How much does he love me?" pushing and pushing so we can feel loved but we never do feel satisfied we are loved enough.
> Then when the friend,partner,parent is emotionally drained and fed up...we move on to the next.
> 
> Unless we are aware of our problem. I would actually vocalize to my partner "I'm feeling triggered and I might be strange or standoffish but it isn't your fault.you did nothing wrong"
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ok. I've experienced this too. But what if the SO keeps coming back and showing love in the face of these "tests?"

One thing I felt in my R was that as soon as we got "close" she would do something crazy to sabatoge the Relationship.


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## ScarletBegonias

forumman83 said:


> Ok. I understand that...I've experienced it with my STBX, however, were you in any way, shape, or form aware of this before you became aware of your BPD?


I was aware I was a "bad person" but it wasnt til I was a little older that I started analyzing what was going on with me. There had to be a reason for the outbursts and the emotional turmoil...so I started reading about different disorders and got myself to a therapist who worked w borderlines.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pidge70

forumman83 said:


> Ok. I understand that...I've experienced it with my STBX, however, were you in any way, shape, or form aware of this before you became aware of your BPD?


I wasn't. Everything that was wrong in our relationship was his fault. I honestly believed that at the time. Not anymore though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## forumman83

Pidge, Scarlet, can you tell me how your relationships have changed since becoming aware of your BPD?

I am just so confused right now that I don't even no what a normal relationship is anymore...


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## ScarletBegonias

I don't let my partner rescue me anymore. I've learned to stop manipulating a mans natural tendency to want to fix things. I've become the person who fixes.  
When I get the urge to abandon a relationship I force myself to sit down and write down WHY I feel the way I feel and what's making me want to run, why don't I feel safe,etc. with practice I've gotten good at determining if leaving the relationship is a borderline urge or if I really need to leave.
My last SO actually left me...looking back, I saw a lot of borderline tendencies in him  it didn't end bc I'm borderline,it ended bc he wanted a mommy,not a girlfriend. 

I don't do the push pull game anymore. I lay all my cards on the table toward the beginning during those wonderful deep talks everyone has when they find someone they really like. 
If someone chooses to not see me anymore bc I'm borderline, they are making a choice that works for them and I will respect it and do my best to understand it. 

Rather than shutting down I talk lol and talk and talk some more so I don't pull away and so I don't leave the other person feeling like it's their fault.

One thing I'm struggling with now, finding balance! Before it was always everyone else who was at fault. Everyone else was causing my pain. Everyone else was wrong. NOW...I struggle with not blaming EVERYTHING on myself  I did that in my last relationship. I held him responsible for nothing and always took the blame, always said the apology. 
I won't even consider getting serious with anyone again til I can learn to not be the hammer 100% or the nail 100%. I have the word balance taped all over my home and at work to remind me how important it is to be fair and even.


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## ScarletBegonias

Wow that was long lol sorry!!


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## ScarletBegonias

forumman83 said:


> Ok. I've experienced this too. But what if the SO keeps coming back and showing love in the face of these "tests?"
> 
> One thing I felt in my R was that as soon as we got "close" she would do something crazy to sabatoge the Relationship.


It doesn't matter if you stick with the person through the tests.. You'll be left anyway if the person can't see what they're doing. Would you stick w a drug addict over and over year after year if they showed no signs of recovery or even an attempt to recover??? No.you wouldn't.


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## COguy

forumman83 said:


> Good points coguy...doesn't sound very likely then eh...
> 
> How about your X girl...what is she up to now that you two have split?


Now? Mentally abusing my kids and partying/sex messaging/sleeping around whenever she can.

I'm not a psychiatrist but I've done enough reading to know she has a PD. My guess is she's histrionic with narcissistic tendencies and bipolar as well. Her chance of going through treatment long enough to be emotionally stable is definitely <1%.

My hope is that her psych eval comes back as I suggested, she loses custody and unsupervised visitation, and that she hits rock bottom and finally realizes she needs help so she can be a stable influence in our kid's lives. I however, will not hold my breathe for that, because I know the odds are incredibly slim. I have a friend who's mother did the same thing to her father, and when she lost custody of my friend and her 2 brothers, she refused to believe she had a PD. She went on and on about how he paid off the psych evaluator and judges and guardian ad litems and how everyone in the town was against her. It's 25 years later and she still doesn't think she did anything wrong. She calls the cops on all of them repeatedly (even her own kids and grandkids). That's more of what I'm expecting from my STBXW.

From what I see in your posts, you are the typical codependent. You are asking all the questions I wanted answers too. You are still trying to "fix" your wife, or find out what you have to do to get her healed.

My advice to you, is to start to accept that you can not change her, and the likelihood of her getting help is small. Don't act on how she COULD be, act on how she treats you today. Therapy for this takes YEARS, with a very low success rate. In the mean time you will endure mental anguish of your own. It is not healthy for you to stick around and be the emotional punching bag, questioning your own sanity. You need to be emotionally healthy first and foremost.

Also, get your A$$ to CoDA (coda.org), because if you're with someone with BPD, you are most likely a codependent. Anyone with a shred of self-respect and boundaries wouldn't be sticking around for someone to mistreat them so poorly.

I can tell you that being on my own has been so emotionally uplifting it is unbelievable. All of the validation and normalcy has returned, I am like a kid again. I didn't realize how beat up and worn out I was until I started remembering all the stupid sh*t I used to do that made me who I was when I met my wife. I mean I always used to wear stupid shirts or hats or shoes, paint my toenails, act like an idiot in public just to make people laugh. I had stopped doing all of it. I was like a little shell of a person, I had lost all of my personality and uniqueness because I didn't want to upset my wife or hurt her image of how perfect we should be.

I walk around now like the old me, laughing, confident, making a positive impression on people. I can't believe I let someone take that from me.


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## COguy

scarletbegonias said:


> it doesn't matter if you stick with the person through the tests.. You'll be left anyway if the person can't see what they're doing. Would you stick w a drug addict over and over year after year if they showed no signs of recovery or even an attempt to recover??? No.you wouldn't.


exactly!


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## COguy

ScarletBegonias said:


> Wow that was long lol sorry!!


Reading that was so awesome though. Thank you for sharing, I think it is really good for the rest of us to see how you can recover from that.

I have a semi truck full of respect for you and Pidge and anyone else who has the courage to own up to their sh*t. The amount of wisdom and character it takes to grab the bull by the horns, own up to it, and then get help.... it is totally awesome.

And what you are doing is right on. Just being open and honest, reflecting on your thoughts and feelings, seeking advice from people you trust. Having the wisdom, courage, and patience to act contrary to your feelings is an amazing yet uncommon thing.

And of course, balance is always the goal. We on the other side have to deal with the same things. How can I be nice without being TOO nice? What separates the line from being a genuinely nice and caring person, and losing a piece of myself? If I do your dishes is it because I like you and enjoy brightening your day, or because I'm a doormat?

I'm going to be wrestling with this stuff for a long time, perhaps forever. But I think the most critical thing is just being open and honest about it. Because we're going to backslide or go way too far in the wrong direction at times, as long as we can share our feelings in a respectful way and be understanding with our partners, it will never become toxic.

But to my original point, I'm really proud of you and Pidge and anyone else recovering from this. Your stories are amazing and I'm so glad you guys share your minds to the rest of us.


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## forumman83

COguy said:


> Now? Mentally abusing my kids and partying/sex messaging/sleeping around whenever she can.
> 
> I'm not a psychiatrist but I've done enough reading to know she has a PD. My guess is she's histrionic with narcissistic tendencies and bipolar as well. Her chance of going through treatment long enough to be emotionally stable is definitely <1%.
> 
> My hope is that her psych eval comes back as I suggested, she loses custody and unsupervised visitation, and that she hits rock bottom and finally realizes she needs help so she can be a stable influence in our kid's lives. I however, will not hold my breathe for that, because I know the odds are incredibly slim. I have a friend who's mother did the same thing to her father, and when she lost custody of my friend and her 2 brothers, she refused to believe she had a PD. She went on and on about how he paid off the psych evaluator and judges and guardian ad litems and how everyone in the town was against her. It's 25 years later and she still doesn't think she did anything wrong. She calls the cops on all of them repeatedly (even her own kids and grandkids). That's more of what I'm expecting from my STBXW.
> 
> From what I see in your posts, you are the typical codependent. You are asking all the questions I wanted answers too. You are still trying to "fix" your wife, or find out what you have to do to get her healed.
> 
> My advice to you, is to start to accept that you can not change her, and the likelihood of her getting help is small. Don't act on how she COULD be, act on how she treats you today. Therapy for this takes YEARS, with a very low success rate. In the mean time you will endure mental anguish of your own. It is not healthy for you to stick around and be the emotional punching bag, questioning your own sanity. You need to be emotionally healthy first and foremost.
> 
> Also, get your A$$ to CoDA (coda.org), because if you're with someone with BPD, you are most likely a codependent. Anyone with a shred of self-respect and boundaries wouldn't be sticking around for someone to mistreat them so poorly.
> 
> I can tell you that being on my own has been so emotionally uplifting it is unbelievable. All of the validation and normalcy has returned, I am like a kid again. I didn't realize how beat up and worn out I was until I started remembering all the stupid sh*t I used to do that made me who I was when I met my wife. I mean I always used to wear stupid shirts or hats or shoes, paint my toenails, act like an idiot in public just to make people laugh. I had stopped doing all of it. I was like a little shell of a person, I had lost all of my personality and uniqueness because I didn't want to upset my wife or hurt her image of how perfect we should be.
> 
> I walk around now like the old me, laughing, confident, making a positive impression on people. I can't believe I let someone take that from me.


Wow, amazing how, from the outside, we can look in and say "wow, this person has some issues". Yet when we are in the situation (us co-dependents) we justify their actions and take ALL the blame...I sometimes think we're more crazy


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## forumman83

ScarletBegonias said:


> It doesn't matter if you stick with the person through the tests.. You'll be left anyway if the person can't see what they're doing. Would you stick w a drug addict over and over year after year if they showed no signs of recovery or even an attempt to recover??? No.you wouldn't.


Man, this is really insightful.

So many times, I took the blame for everything. Slowly, towards the end, I began defining my own boundaries...she couldn't find a way to "get to me" anymore. And guess what, see ya later...


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## diwali123

Go to BPD central, it's an amazing site. 
I wound up in a new marriage w a man who was also married to someone with BPD. It just happened that way. Neither of our exes have official
Diagnoses but our MC is fairly convinced at least that his ex has it. We still have to deal with both of them because of the kids. But I think it makes it easier because we both know how it feels. 
The first few months of dating him were so....quiet. I don't think we had a real fight until a year into it. Sometimes I feel like something is weird or missing and then I realize I'm no longer in a roller coaster. I no longer spend days wondering when my spouse is going to decide to speak to me. When we fight it's about something real. It all makes sense. There's no "wtf happened?" moments. 
The main reason we are in MC is basically damage caused by our exes. 
We both admit to what we have done and said, take responsibility for our parts and don't blame shift or skew reality. 
I'm not saying we have a perfect marriage but this man is wonderful to me. Knock on wood.... 
Depending on how old you are, you have an advantage. Now when you meet people you don't just have to hear their words, you can see the choices they have made and what they have done. You can pick up on clues about their past relationships and how they dealt with them. 
When I was younger it was all "when we get engaged...when we get married...when we get a house....after the baby is born..." all these words about the future, most of them lies on his part or else he just couldn't see the person he truly is. 
With my current h I met his kids, I heard the stories from family about his past, I could see that he is a mature emotionally open person. 
Good luck! It is possible!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## forumman83

Hmm, doesn't seem like there are too many success stories! 

Kind of dissapointing..


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## Conrad

forumman83 said:


> Hmm, doesn't seem like there are too many success stories!
> 
> Kind of dissapointing..


What were you expecting?


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## forumman83

I was hoping that post-BPD relatonship stories would be more abundant...i.e. peole move on to more successful, healthy relationships.


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## ScarletBegonias

forumman83 said:


> I was hoping that post-BPD relatonship stories would be more abundant...i.e. peole move on to more successful, healthy relationships.


I don't understand why you need to see those stories. If YOU don't have bpd, why wouldn't you be able to move on and be with a healthy person?

You'll move on and find a healthy relationship...if you're emotionally stable and in a good place. 

If you're not emotionally stable and if you're not in a good place, your relationships will reflect that.


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## diwali123

Most people get so sick of BPD after the person is gone they don't want to think about it anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## forumman83

Yeah. That is what I am hoping, that if I'm healthy then my future relationships should reflect it. Just wondering why I don't hear more stories about it?

Its a little bit scary to be honest. I have this fear that I will be "bored" with a healthy relationship? Maybe even to the point where I would be hesitant to accept one. That's messed up.


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## pidge70

forumman83 said:


> Yeah. That is what I am hoping, that if I'm healthy then my future relationships should reflect it. Just wondering why I don't hear more stories about it?
> 
> Its a little bit scary to be honest. I have this fear that I will be "bored" with a healthy relationship? Maybe even to the point where I would be hesitant to accept one. That's messed up.


It's because your view of normalcy has been skewed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nsweet

:rofl:My ex wife had BPD, or at least I'm fairly sure she did. She always played the innocent victim who coul neve stand up to me and tell me what her needs were, but let her passive-aggressive side hurt everyone around her in a whirlwind of "WTF did we do to you?". Yeah it was bad. Something about her dad f*cking up her and her sister who is the biggest narcissist I've ever known. Whatever, it was doomed to fail and I spent years in autodidactic senstivity training walking on egg shells and apologizing for things I didn't do.

I went through anger management and sensitivity training and almost killed myself with dealing with her misery as well as my own frustrations. Then I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and learned about the secret world of the non neurotipicals and how they are often more mature than the so called "regular people". Truth be told, I actually prefer the company of these types beause the ones who go through treatment and put forth the effort are BETTER PEOPLE.

No really! When I go to a girls house for the first time and see she has "border line personality for dummies" and a bottle of celexa out in the open that tells me two things..... she knows she's f*cked up and is trying to do something about it. What would worry me is if she had a copy of "the rules: time tested secrets for capturing the heart of Mr. Right" and a liquor collection on the kitchen counter. At least with the prior option you can compare notes and maybe get a group discount on counseling. Not to mention you're more likely to do what the counselor says and TALK ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS instead of hide behind mind games and booze, or tell the world on f*cking facebook.

That's why I believe a girl with a mental instibility and prescription is a f*cking godsend over the "perfect woman" you marry and then find out after 10 or 20 years how crazy she is. At least if you know what's wrong with each other before you marry then you can help each other out when problems arise. That love will be the way love should be..... you start off telling the truth and sharing your needs and never stop being yourself. IDK maybe I'm just f*cked up, but I hope to remarry a girl who doesn't claim to be a "good girl" or "perfect" but knows she's only human and just as f*cked up as the rest, but would like a husband who can relate but not fix her or be some hero who will solve all her problems. And sex with a woman who doesn't need hostage negotiation tactics to relax woud be awesome.

Until then I'll be hanging around the self-help section of he book store and cat calling compliments to woman who look like they need the support:rofl:


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## COguy

> And sex with a woman who doesn't need hostage negotiation tactics to relax woud be awesome.


Love your post but that line made me laugh out loud. The crazies are relaxed in bed, just not with their husbands. That would be too normal.


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## Justadude

ScarletBegonias said:


> Any argument,any fight,any disagreement...i would somehow manipulate my partner so badly that he would actually think it was his fault and he would end up apologizing.EVERY SINGLE TIME. Even when it was so pathetically obvious I was the one in the wrong.
> 
> I made him live in fear of sending me into a meltdown.he had to tiptoe around my moods.
> 
> I alienated him from his friends, from his family, from basically everyone. I isolated him until he had no one but me.


Wow, that was how I spent the last nine years of my life. Thank you for sharing that from your point of view...it helps a lot.


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## Nsweet

Well, not entirely. From my experience I gather the women who are more likely to cheat are not the cazy ones, but the ones who enter into relationships pretending to be "good girls". These types who hold onto the fantasy of being rescued and having the perfect man do everything they want and thank them for the privilege of serving her. As my daddy always said they say they want a husband but all they want is a man to "feed me, do me, and die". 

These are the so called f*ckig crazy chicks you want to watch out for. You know the women who tell you they are better than other women, above any "women's work", and [keyword]*DESERVE* to be treated special or any variation of being put first and foremost in the relationship. AND watch out for any phrases such as "I'm a crazy chick" or "just a little bipolar" BULLSH!T. The ones who pretend to be good girls are some of the freakiest and most f*cking ovely feminist hateful women you will ever know. How do I know this? Because I dated enough to marry one and see how crazy works on the inside. It's like seeing a circus show when you're little and then going back high on acid as an adult. It's fun from afar but f*cking scary as hell on the inside.:rofl:

And just so were clear I'm not talking about bipolar disorder or psycological disorders a lot of people have and get treatment for. I'm talking about the untreated women with personality, psychological, and mental disorders who develop coping mechanisms that use controlling and manipulation of others to get what they need for themselves. 

But wait it get's worse! If you've ever been in a relationship with this type of man or woman you will know how quickly they can vent on others over stupid sh!t, then turn on you and just as quickly as they snap they retract their claws and ask "are you mad at me?". He/she expects you to put up with this and then still treat them the same. WTF!? What happens most of the time is you bottle all of this up because they act pitiful when you snap and then when you raise your voice ONE TIME or slam the door..... they act like you're the killer in a bad horror movie and they're the innocent victims. The siren's song is the song of pity. 

If you're hopelessly in love with one of these types more than likely you'll end up going through anger management while you're together..... and then when you break up you'll show signs of having their dissability. How fun does that sound!? Ever been in a psych ward? Just keep your head down and give your chocolate cake to the opiate addicts and pray they will shut up before you snap and go through even more anger management, but you'll do it while wearing an assless dress.:rofl:

If you think that's bad.... I haven't even discussed the sex life with these people in full.... and I've had quite a few! To say it was like hostage negotiation is an understatement. Hostage negotiation only needs to work once because you only need the terrorist to relax enough for SWAT to flash bang their way in. In an unheathy relationship with an emotionally abusive person you're dealing with a type of brainwashing. What I mean by that it is they keep you in a fog by never being happy with the same positive actions. Remember last week when you were kissing on her neck and telling her how much you loved her for her personality?.... And she gave you a bj and acted really nice and caring. Today she's raging about you not living up to her expectations while attacking your up bringing, your masculinity, your manhood, your skills in bed, and your ability to take care of her financially. So the sex you get has more to do with a complicated and unepected reward system where she feels in control AT ALL TIMES. 

I'm getting off topic here a little about sex, but let me point to the book "women's infidelity for reference. In case you're wondering about my opinion I F*CKING HATE THIS AUTHOR!!!!! Bunch of femanist bulsh!t defending cheating women! But she did touch base with infidelity and what the women feel after years of marriage. Basically it's what GOOD marriage counelors have been saying for years..... "She doesn't want to sleep with you if it feels like a chore". The best advice I ever found for dealing with this is not to even focus on sex, but focus on the friendship you would have to deal with after your orgasm. What many men do instead is buy relationship how to guides and sex toys when what she really wants is you to do nothing but get her excited and pay attention when she talks...... just like what you did before when you were trying to get in her pants. Only now you've been to that fun park enough to know where all the run rides are.

That's how a regular boring marriage works, NOT a marriage to a crazy untreated woman. Let me tell you a thing or two about that! She will deny your advances but never diectly say "NO", so you think you're the man when you get some. But that was only so she could use that against you in a future argument or tell any guy to hit on her how you're the abusive husband in a Life Time movie who forces himself on his wife. She will just go through the motions a lot of times and act helpless. WHY? Because whenever she's not in control she feels like a victim. But isn't she supposed to be feminine? Yes, uh no..... it all goes back to dear old daddy and a long list of boyfriends having relatinships with her and then letting her down even a little. The big thing about BPDs really plays up here: When she feels like she COULD be abandoned, she WILL abandon you first as well as rewrite history worse than a sixteenth century cardinal with the holy bible! I remember this with my ex wife all to well. It went something like "You were the best in bed I've ever had!" to "YOU RAPED ME!!!!!" six months later. Now understand, at now time did I hold a gun to her head and force her to sit on my face.:rofl:


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## ScarletBegonias

Justadude said:


> Wow, that was how I spent the last nine years of my life. Thank you for sharing that from your point of view...it helps a lot.


happy to help


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## Nsweet

So Scarlet, what are you like now that you've been through treatment?


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## argyle

On-topic: From observation, about half of post-BPD people seem to go on to 'normal' dating lives. Most people who stay with BPDs are a bit off, one way or another. Those who are only a bit off and/or successfully overcome enough of their own issues to avoid tolerating BPD tend to be fine. That said, the bright side is that it is fairly difficult to find worse partners, so... Taking things slow and trusting your gut as to what is actually normal in a R/S helps.

Off-topic: (Mostly directed to Scarlett and Pidge)
So, my wife was diagnosed with BPD a few years back. She's been in therapy for a few years and some things have gotten better. (fewer meltdowns, less running away, less blame, no hitting, better ability to accept responsibility) But, some things...stuff I wouldn't necessarily have expected...haven't. I'm wondering if any of the following would strike you as odd.

1. (At the marriage counselors) (genuine surprise and remorse)
'I'm so sorry. Did I hurt your feelings when I hit you with the bat. That never would have occurred to me. I won't do that again.' The MC called it 'low empathy.'
2. Covering her head with her jacket and shaking uncontrollably at an amusement park. (overstimulated) Never met anyone more likely to walk around with jacket draped over their head. She claims she's avoiding sun damage, but...doesn't seem normal.
3. 'Okay. (reading reference book). Yes. I do exhibit all the behaviors for NPD. What causes it? Yep, sounds like my parents. So, these behaviors...are they problematic in a marriage? (Google). Um. Apparently they are. Oo-kay...what do we do about this? (Formulates plan.)'
4. Being obsessed with the notion that me, our marriage counselors, her friends, her parents...all have Aspergers and that explains why they can't understand her.
5. A frantic desire to be understood, married to an inability to understand reflections unless they use exactly the same wording.
6. Strangely inflexible communication. (I have to talk about these things this way or my brain won't work. I can really see her trying.)
7. Zero interest in holidays of any sort. (well, admittedly, her parents did beat her on her birthdays.)
8. Absolutely the least manipulative woman I've ever met. Much more likely to try to beat me to death than play any sort of game.
9. Strange mix of selfless compassion and utter lack of empathy. (Will spend her weekends working with disabled children without admitting it to anyone else.)(See 1)
--Argyle


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