# My Mom



## sandyf (Apr 14, 2009)

Okay, so here is a weird one. Has anyone else had to deal with a parent who is emotionally unsupportive?

My mother was nearly 40 when she had me, so we were never extremely close when I was young. Now that I am an adult, I feel we have a very good relationship. She is 100% supportive financially. But, when it comes to this separation, she practically sides with my husband. It almost seems as if he is not beating me or cheating on me, she thinks I should be able to live with anything else.

I feel so good about my decision to separate from my husband. I do not want a divorce at this time - I still hold out some hope that he will see the problems he has and want to work on them. He has been to four sessions with the counselor by himself and the only progress he has made is that he is actually talking to the guy. The counselor tells me he is immature, selfish, narcissistic and quite possibly an alcoholic. He says my husband would be miserable for anyone to live with at this point. He also said that I need to continue working on my co-dependence and that is another adjustment my husband will have to make. For somebody that is used to living with a co-dependent to get used to that person no longer being co-dependent, he said, is very difficult.

I have already told my mother that I really just need her support right now, not lectures about my decisions. I think part of the problem is that my mother is also co-dependent and very self-centered. I think maybe she feels that, if she has put up with my stepdad all these years, why can't I put up with my husband. You know what though? Part of the reason I have finally decided to put my foot down is that we are at a point in our marriage where our kids are grown and we are looking at sailing off into the sunset together and I see how it is for my mother and I don't want the rest of my life to be like that. She has become somewhat isolated because my stepfather is so difficult. My sister and I both avoid spending time with her if it means we have to be around him. It has also impacted her relationship with her grandchildren because we don't want to expose them to him. I can't stand to hurt her by telling her these things (yes, my co-dependence involves my relationship with mother as well as my husband), but how can I make her see that I just need her support right now? Should I invite her to my next session with the counselor?

Sandy


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Sandy that's a difficult one - she is seeing it through her lens and says way more about her relationship than yours - 
I know that I just had to take some distance from my family when they were being less than helpful through my separation ...
just accept that they didn't get it...
but what I am reading is that your crisis has brought up a whole lot of stuff with your mum -
all I can say is if you are seeing a family therapist and you have the time and energy (and she is willing ) to work through this stuff with you go for it...
I'd say it's way more than one session and it could mean opening up stuff -
it may mean that you turn into her support person and not the other way around - 
just a thought.


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## sandyf (Apr 14, 2009)

Hmmmm, good points I had not even thought about. I really just hoped that our counselor could get her to see that I am not blowing things out of proportion and that the counselor agrees that getting back together on my husband's terms, at this point, would be disastrous.

Thanks - and I will think about what you said.

Sandy


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

It's almost like you take everything that they tell you, everything that your friends and your family, all the advice that they give you, and kinda just let it wash over you. Sometimes the advice is helpful and sometimes it makes you feel worse. I also agree with Knortoh, some people will just not get it.


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## sandyf (Apr 14, 2009)

The hard thing, for me, is that I want her to get it because I am asking for her to help me through this financially. I feel like, if she doesn't understand why this is happening - or, if she feels like I am not trying hard enough, or expecting unreasonable things from my husband... it just makes me feel weird about asking her for a loan. I mean, I know she will do it, but it would just be so nice to actually have her support too, you know?

Sandy


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Yes but think about it this way - it is a perfect way for her to feel good about helping you - she is getting something out of this as well - if she is helping you financially she is supporting you - giving your family practical things to do works - 
expecting them to understand exactly what you are going through doesn't..


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## sandyf (Apr 14, 2009)

I suppose that does make some sense. She says that renting my house and moving to a smaller place sends the wrong message to my husband. She says that she can help me pay the mortgage for a few more months. In some ways though, I think it would feel really good to get out of this house. 

*sigh* I suppose I am getting ahead of myself though. I don't plan to do anything till the first of the year. I can continue going through and getting rid of stuff I don't need, whether I live here or not. Maybe just doing that will be therapeutic in some ways. In two months I will just have to see where hubby's head is at.

Thanks

Sandy


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

If there is no hurry enjoy the luxury of having time to think and grow and not move house - this is always stressful - the reasons why your mum is helping doesn't matter -


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## sandyf (Apr 14, 2009)

I actually just printed out some of my posts from here and gave them to my mom. She said that it helped her understand things better. I also realized that maybe the assumption that she feels that since she has put up with my stepdad, I should be able to put up with my husband, may be wrong.

She said something about how she never had to make these choices. That "he" was off doing his own thing. My parents divorced when I was seven and I never saw it coming. But, what I think happened was that my dad was fooling around and left my mother. So, maybe she doesn't understand things from my side. The situation with my marriage is different than how her marriage ended.

I don't know, but she does seem to be a little more understanding now. Maybe it has helped her to see how unhappy I have been, but how much I wish this were not happening at the same time.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

sandy what a great idea and how fantastic that these posts have helped you to communicate with her - smart move!


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