# How do I know to move on?



## Dudeguy (Jan 7, 2011)

My wife have been married about just a few years and we have 2 young kids. We haven't had sex in about 2 years and very few times in 4 years. For the overwhelming majority of the marriage I was turned down for sex repeatedly to the point I just quit asking. 

Recently I started an affair that morphed into a beautiful relationship. I realized it was filling the physical and emotional void in my life with my wife. Now we're in love and I've been fighting with the decision to divorce. I've tried ending the affair but we somehow always find each other again. On our breaks from each other, I just sit around and think about her.

I've talked to my wife about our relationship but she broke down she said doesn't know why she never wants sex. I really expected something from her but got just confusion. Everytime I've ever brought it up I get that same answer.

The problem is...I don't want to have sex with her anymore and now I feel she is just throwing herself at me to save the marriage. I don't think I love her anymore.

I'm leaning towards divorce because I feel things will just keep getting worse here and maybe this just the 1st steps. We don't fight, we don't hate each other and maybe ending it now will avoid some bitterness.

I realize people say stay together for the kids but...what do you have in a marriage when the kids are grown? Not much and you've lost 20 years of your life.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

You certainly can divorce, but are you sure what's on the other side will be better?

Why not try to work on your marriage. Go to a marriage counselor.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

your new girlfriend might do the same thing . you n your wife have a lot more legitimate basis for a relationship . consider the morality of someone who would have an affair with a married man . basically no way you can work on your marriage lol you're having an affair . At least have the guts to tell your wife why you want to leave - for another woman. A woman who doesn't mind breaking up a family. A fine catch indeed. 

Read about the detestation you are about to bring your family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You can't work on your marriage while you're having an affair. That's not rocket science.

So either work on your marriage and actually end the affair (cause you haven't) or get a divorce. Does your wife know about the affair? If not, you should tell her. 

You need sex. Tell her. Now.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

If she (you) will cheat on your current spouse, what makes you think she (you) won't cheat next time. When the going gets rough, the tough get cheating? 

Sorry. I have no sympathy for cheaters. The grass ISN'T greener on the other side.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Is the OW married/has a boyfriend? How long have you been having the affair?


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## Dudeguy (Jan 7, 2011)

Will I always be a cheater now? I hope not. As this went on I realized I was seriously missing something in my life and it wasn't sex. It was the feeling of being wanted. I know over that past 4 years I haven't really felt that at all. I'm not proud of cheating at all.

I had always thought my wife would come around and she was just in a phase. She only recently started to come around after 2 years of no sex. And now I don't want her. Which is based on protest of her ditching me for so long and I refuse to have sex with two different women. 

I guess the sticking point is me. I can't stand to be without my "girlfriend", but can't bring myself to tell the truth either. I realize the pain of divorce and its overwhelming me. 

Jellybeans: The OW is single and its been going on about 10 months (off and on)


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Dudeguy said:


> Will I always be a cheater now? I hope not.


No. But you have to face yourself, feel true contrition then forgive yourself. But your contrition must be genuine and sincere. 

Everyone makes mistakes. It is human nature.

BUT if you decide to blame your wife for lack of sex then you are not owning YOUR part, which is 

- whatever YOU were failing at in the marriage
- choosing to go outside BEFORE ending your marriage

If you cannot own those, then you have not truly been contrite.

(Don't get me wrong, I don't think your wife just giving up on sex is good. But I would bet my last dollar that there was more going on there that you are responsible for.)


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Dudeguy said:


> Will I always be a cheater now? I hope not.


Only you can determine that. Right now, you are cheating since you haven't ended the affair. You CAN end it, you just are choosing not to. I have no doubt the affair has compounded the problems with your wife. Affairs always do.



Dudeguy said:


> I'm not proud of cheating at all.


Then stop. 



Dudeguy said:


> I refuse to have sex with two different women. .


But you are.



Dudeguy said:


> I guess the sticking point is me. I can't stand to be without my "girlfriend", *but can't bring myself to tell the truth either.*


If your wife finds out on her own, I can promise you, it's going to be 100x worse. Tell her. She has the RIGHT to know that she is living in an open marriage. It's not fair for you to be keeping such a massive thing from her. It's been going on almost a YEAR now. At least respect her enough to tell her the truth about the state of your marriage with her. 



Dudeguy said:


> I realize the pain of divorce and its overwhelming me.


Divorce is no joke. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. It sucks horribly. Words can't even begin to describe the pain the divorce causes and leaves emotionally, psychologically, financially. Divorce in which adultery is involved is even more devastating. 

Your affair/divorce will affect your marriage, you, your wife, your children, your in-laws, your family, your friends, your colleagues, in-laws, your affair partner, her friends, her family.

Nonetheless, it all comes down to this: either you work on your marriage (and ditch the mistress 100%) or you get a divorce.

Yes, it really is that simple.


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## Dudeguy (Jan 7, 2011)

Definitely I know the marriage is not all on her...but I can't really think of what the drought was genuinely caused by. Kids probably factor in. Being a stay at home mom probably factors in. I could have done more around the house. But none of those are the reason for basically a 4 year sex drought. And consistent denials since the day we got married you know?

She doesn't even know why. When we've talked I've wished for some kind of list or complaints but she kinda shrugs her shoulders and says she doesn't know why and just doesn't want to have sex. It blows my mind. How do you reason with that?


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> She has the RIGHT to know that she is living in an open marriage.


I know this is simply a matter of defining a term. But I am anal like that. 

He is NOT in an open marriage. He is cheating. An open marriage is one form of RESPONSIBLE non-monogamy (along with swinging, polyamory, polyfidelity).

Open marriage - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

The difference being CONSENT which the wife has not had the benefit of.

But to add to Jelly's point, she has a right to know that you are exposing her to STD risk.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Dudeguy said:


> Definitely I know the marriage is not all on her...but I can't really think of what the drought was genuinely caused by. Kids probably factor in. Being a stay at home mom probably factors in. I could have done more around the house. But none of those are the reason for basically a 4 year sex drought. And consistent denials since the day we got married you know?


I don't have a crystal ball but common causes include

- not meeting her emotional needs in terms of love languages, love bank deposits...

- not being the man she married/ lit her fire. Being Mr Nice Guy.

- taking her for granted wrt domestic responsibilities




> She doesn't even know why. When we've talked I've wished for some kind of list or complaints but she kinda shrugs her shoulders and says she doesn't know why and just doesn't want to have sex.


I am guessing bullets number 1 and 2 above.



> It blows my mind. How do you reason with that?


Marriage counseling?


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## Dudeguy (Jan 7, 2011)

Mom and Jelly: I'm not having sex with both women. I refuse to. Somehow in all these lost morals I won't do that.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Dudeguy said:


> Mom and Jelly: I'm not having sex with both women. I refuse to. Somehow in all these lost morals I won't do that.


Hey don't beat yourself, fix it. Mistakes are made. Get your morals back.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Mom6547 said:


> I know this is simply a matter of defining a term. But I am anal like that.


We can agree to disagree. To me, it's an open marriage. 

And yes, you need to tell her soon about the affair. Today.

You need to make a choice and fast but don't string both women along while you sit on the fence "deciding" which life sounds better for you. It's not fair to either woman, your kids, or to you.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> We can agree to disagree. To me, it's an open marriage.


Google is your friend. If you were to say the term to anyone else, what would THEY believe you mean?


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## grizabella (May 8, 2011)

When one gets married one has the expectation of some kind of sex life considering the fact that you have vowed to "forsake all others". The denial of sex in a marriage has always been "grounds" for divorce so affair not withstanding your wife broke the marriage first. Sexual disfunction is treatable but needs to be acknowledged as a factor in and of itself. There are many ways to express ones sexuality (not just the act itself) and if your wife shows not expression at all she probably needs help.


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## Dudeguy (Jan 7, 2011)

I can only guess it was domestic responsibilities. We rarely fight and disagree but when we have its been about this subject. But, to seriously extinguish the fire? A source of contention of course, but "I'm going to refuse to have sex with you every single time you ask" because of it? Or "I'm just going to lay here and hope you finish fast" because of it? 

Recently I confronted about the lack of sex and she thought I was cheating or was not in love with her anymore. Instead of confronting me she decided to do nothing. That blew my mind also. She was OK with living in ignorance?


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## Dudeguy (Jan 7, 2011)

Griz: I realize what I've done is not right and looking at this now I realize she probably does need help. Its sad really. We had a pretty normal sex life and then it just slowed down quickly and then just stopped.


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## grizabella (May 8, 2011)

There is a great deal of anger involved in denying yourself something as basic as sex to punish someone else. Rather than confront about the lack of sex, you may want to find out what's pi$$ing her off.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Dudeguy said:


> I can only guess it was domestic responsibilities. We rarely fight and disagree but when we have its been about this subject. But, to seriously extinguish the fire?
> 
> A source of contention of course, but "I'm going to refuse to have sex with you every single time you ask" because of it? Or "I'm just going to lay here and hope you finish fast" because of it?
> 
> Recently I confronted about the lack of sex and she thought I was cheating or was not in love with her anymore. Instead of confronting me she decided to do nothing. That blew my mind also. She was OK with living in ignorance?


You are confused. (Obviously or you would not be having marital issues.)

You are facing the wrong issues in the wrong ways. (Very common which is why there is so much divorce.)

How did YOU face the domestic responsibilities issue? (Incidentally that is the gravy to why you are not having sex, not the turkey and mashed potatoes. We will get to the turkey and mashed potatoes later.) Did you step up? If not, you have added resentment to the scene. If you did, you may be at risk of being a Nice Guy.

But that is not the real operator here, I would bet. The real issue is that you no longer light her fire. And she does not tell you why because she does not know.

Go over the Men's Clubhouse and read about Man Up and Nice Guy. It is a combo of

- effective limit setting (no sex is NOT ok)

- balancing between being the loving, caring, helpful dude you are without losing the masculinity that lights your wife's fire.

But first ditch the GF.


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## Dudeguy (Jan 7, 2011)

Griz: Thinking about it. She had a pretty big lifestyle change right after we got married. Went from college life for 6 years or so and kind of got regulated to home duty because she couldn't find a job. She's mentioned she feels unutilized and is jealous of me....but she only said that last month...she's been living like this for 6 years and just let it fester.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Mom6547 said:


> Google is your friend.


Google IS my friend. And we're both entitled to our own opinions. I view this as an open marriage. There is no exclusivity between two people. I see your side about the terms used, but to me, it's an open marriage. 



Dudeguy said:


> Recently I confronted about the lack of sex *and she thought I was cheating or was not in love with her anymore.* Instead of confronting me she decided to do nothing. That blew my mind also. She was OK with living in ignorance?


That was the perfect opportunity to tell her you are, in fact, cheating. And you didn't. You need to tell her soon. No joke. The lies on top of more lies is even more hurtful than the actual act sometimes. When she finds out (and she more than likely will, even if you never tell her) she is always going to remember you telling her she was crazy for thinking so and that it wasn't true that you were cheating, and she will think that you had so little respect for her, that you didn't even feel she deserved the truth. It will make her feel worthless.


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## Dudeguy (Jan 7, 2011)

Mom: Could I have done more? Yes. I'm sure I could have.

And I fought at first but just kept getting guilt tripped about her being home or the something about the kids. And I accepted that guilt trip every time. I shouldn't have and that's why I'm here now I suppose.

Eventually I gave up on it and handed sex over to her.


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## Dudeguy (Jan 7, 2011)

jelly: yeah I've thought about that too. Its pretty lame but I haven't lied to her directly about cheating. But its still a lie. I naively thought I could either end this or go through counseling and never tell her. But I know now thats not possible.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Google IS my friend. And we're both entitled to our own opinions. I view this as an open marriage. There is no exclusivity between two people. I see your side about the terms used, but to me, it's an open marriage.


Pet thing of mine, people making up a definition "to them" for a term that has an actual meaning. You certainly are right hat you have the right to use whatever term you want. 

That is like me saying "to me" breakfast means the meal you eat in the evening. I can say whatever I want. People will likely either misunderstand me or think me wrong.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Dudeguy said:


> Mom: Could I have done more? Yes. I'm sure I could have.


You are misunderstanding me. 

I am not trying to blame you. I am trying to help you see things in a different way that could help you.



> And I fought at first but just kept getting guilt tripped about her being home or the something about the kids. And I accepted that guilt trip every time. I shouldn't have and that's why I'm here now I suppose.
> 
> Eventually I gave up on it and handed sex over to her.


There is a thing called a right fight. MANY married people get stuck in them, to their great misfortune. It is VERY challenged to look at things in a different way. Instead of looking at who is right (she did this, she did that, I tried this, I tried that... I am right) look at how to SOLVE. 

We do this at work all the time. joe wrote the bug into the software. BFG. How do we FIX it so that the bug is fixed and Joe does not write more bugs like that.

We have a harder time doing it with marriage. But guess what, you are both wrong in so many ways.

But we can only change ourselves. <--- That is another thing that people struggle with. 

We change ourselves in the hopes of engendering the changes that we need in our partner. And It Works.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Mom6547 said:


> You certainly are right hat you have the right to use whatever term you want.


That is correct. 



Dudeguy said:


> jelly: yeah I've thought about that too. Its pretty lame but I haven't lied to her directly about cheating. But its still a lie. *I naively thought I could either end this *or go through counseling and never tell her. But I know now thats not possible.


Dude, you still can end the affair. You're just choosing not to. What did you say to her when she said she thought you were cheating on her?



Mom6547 said:


> But we can only change ourselves.


:iagree:


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Dude, you still can end the affair. You're just choosing not to. :


:iagree:


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## Dudeguy (Jan 7, 2011)

Jelly: I had thought I could end the marriage quickly. At the time things were tense and I thought she wanted out too and thats why I didn't have any real remorse for cheating. As life went on, she finally unfroze and i realized this would be tough. That was naive.

I had also thought I could dump my gf and either go back to my wife or go to marriage counseling and fix it and never tell her. That was naive also. It would most likely come out because I would blame her for everything and for losing my gf and not really come to terms with it.

The problem is that I'm having problems dumping my gf. She means a lot to me and I'm in love with her. I can't just dump her and jump back with my wife and marriage counseling. Might sound lame to you, but I started a full fledged loving relationship with her but go home to my kids and their awesome mom I have a platonic relationship with.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Dudeguy said:


> The problem is that I'm having problems dumping my gf. She means a lot to me and I'm in love with her. I can't just dump her and jump back with my wife and marriage counseling. Might sound lame to you, but I started a full fledged loving relationship with her but go home to my kids and their awesome mom I have a platonic relationship with.


It does not sound lame. My biggest concern for a person in your position is:

What is this going to do to your sense of character, morals and self worth.

This is a philosophy that many people do not agree with me on At All. But I will share just for fun.

I believe that happiness has at its foundation your sense of self worth, character and integrity. You cannot be happy if you feel yourself to be not a person of character and integrity.

So. You have not REALLY done everything you could for your marriage if you haven't even tried counseling. (If I am recalling incorrectly on this point, please forgive.) If that is the case, how is that going to affect your future with your GF? How is that going to affect your sense of guilt?

If you seek to just justify yourself to yourself, your brain will know.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

Dude---- Now, I'm going to be straight with you. Marriage is 50/50, but you are only in control with what you brought to the table. First off, you have a problem. You are lookig for self fulfillment in ALL the wrong places----mainly----WOMEN. You need to get into Individual Counseling first and become a whole man. Your wife or girlfriend will NEVER make you happy or completely make you feel love or needed. That comes from within. It sounds to me like you have lost your PURPOSE. A man without purpose or power is like a man without a soul. If you continue on, you will have these same issues down the road with your girlfriend although they will manifest themselves in different ways. My advice---cut the girlfriend loose. Get into a good IC. Find yourself and who you were created to be. The changes you see in your wife will be amazing. Then, when you are whole, get your butt to marriage counseling. Get this right!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You shouldn't do counselling to work on your marriage if you are actively involved in an affair.



Dudeguy said:


> I had also thought I could dump my gf and either go back to my wife or go to marriage counseling and fix it and never tell her. That was naive also. It would most likely come out because I would blame her for everything and for losing my gf and not really come to terms with it.
> 
> *The problem is that I'm having problems dumping my gf. * She means a lot to me and I'm in love with her. I can't just dump her and jump back with my wife and marriage counseling. Might sound lame to you, but I started a full fledged loving relationship with her but go home to my kids and their awesome mom I have a platonic relationship with.


You are only having these problems because you are *choosing* these problems. If you "can't just dump her" then file for divorce and leave your wife. I am serious. But don't string them both along. It's totally cruel. You are lying to your wife and kids every day you pretend to be the doting husband/father who is committed 100% to his family at home. You are probably telling your girlfriends lies (let me guess, you told her you and your wife still aren't having sex)? You probably tell gf give you some more time so you can decide and how "hard" this is. You're doing a lot of damage. If you are so happy with gf, then leave your family. Yes, it really is that simple. Dragging this out for everyone involved is Not. The. Answer.

And no, it doesn't sound lame to me. But I also know that as long as there is a third party involved, your marriage doesn't have a leg to stand on.

What does your girlfriend make of all this? 



Mom6547 said:


> So. You have not REALLY done everything you could for your marriage if you haven't even tried counseling. If that is the case, how is that going to affect your future with your GF? How is that going to affect your sense of guilt?


Yep.


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## Dudeguy (Jan 7, 2011)

Dedicated and Mom: I have seen a counselor on my own off and on for past few months actually. But I never really looked at myself that way. Maybe I put too much into my women for fulfilment. I'm not sure really. Would I be happy completely on my own right now? Tough Question actually


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Does your counselor know about the affair? 

If you don't think you would be happy on your own, that is an even bigger problem.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> Dedicated and Mom: I have seen a counselor on my own off and on for past few months actually. But I never really looked at myself that way. Maybe I put too much into my women for fulfilment. I'm not sure really. Would I be happy completely on my own right now? Tough Question actually


I've been you. Although, I didn't go outside of marriage, I found fulfillment in hobbies. When you look for fulfillment or happiness from a woman, they get DRAINED emotionally. You have to find your sense of purpose and fulfillment within. I've been married 12 years with 4 kids. For 7 months, I have not looked for fullfillment from outside of myself. It is having amazing effects all around me. You find your strength from your purpose, and offer that to your spouse so she feels secure in your love. Then, you will have what you want in your marriage. I have not had sex with my wife since October. I've never been happier. It will come, but it will come the right way- when she fully trusts and places her vulnerabilities into the strength and power that I bring to the relationship.


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## Dudeguy (Jan 7, 2011)

Jelly: My gf is ready to give up and move on if I don't do something. She's said this before but is really in love with me and has came back to me several times. Some could say that's a sign of love Others would say its a sign of stupidity I guess. The entire time I've been trying to evaluate what I had with my wife and figure out what I really wanted and then my gf would come back to me and tell me I need to decide. But my brain and heart would get stuck and just kinda sat there trying to figure out what I have. Right now she is fed up and I'm on a timeline to decide or she's gone and will hate me forever for giving up on her.


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## grizabella (May 8, 2011)

Dudeguy said:


> Griz: Thinking about it. She had a pretty big lifestyle change right after we got married. Went from college life for 6 years or so and kind of got regulated to home duty because she couldn't find a job. She's mentioned she feels unutilized and is jealous of me....but she only said that last month...she's been living like this for 6 years and just let it fester.


I think you just slobbered a bib full, Son. We women can smoulder for decades before we blow. Sometimes we think the best parts of us are wasted or unappreciated. Everyone needs affirmation from the outside and being a stay-at-home can make it hard to find. I know women who stay at home and romanticize what it is to have a career and I know working women who would give anything to be able to stay at home. She (hopefully with your help) need to find out what she can do to find her place and just not be stuck. It's hard to be giving and sexual when you feel like life is passing your by.


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## Dudeguy (Jan 7, 2011)

Jelly: My counselor knows. She pretty cautious in her recommendations but has basically said I need to confront my wife about the whole issue. That its not normal to deny sex and there is probably something wrong with her and the affair is not right but understandable.


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## grizabella (May 8, 2011)

Dudeguy said:


> Jelly: My gf is ready to give up and move on if I don't do something. She's said this before but is really in love with me and has came back to me several times. Some could say that's a sign of love Others would say its a sign of stupidity I guess. The entire time I've been trying to evaluate what I had with my wife and figure out what I really wanted and then my gf would come back to me and tell me I need to decide. But my brain and heart would get stuck and just kinda sat there trying to figure out what I have. Right now she is fed up and I'm on a timeline to decide or she's gone and will hate me forever for giving up on her.


Dude, you gotta let the girlfriend go. You owe it to your marriage and your kids. You are just beginning to get a handle on what's up with your wife and you need to pursue it. Girlfriends are like buses, there'll be another one along in 15 minutes. What the GF needs to know is men rarely leave wives for them. 50% of marriages end in divorce and 75% of 2nd marriages end in divorce, does that tell you anything?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Dudeguy said:


> Jelly: My gf is ready to give up and move on if I don't do something. She's said this before but is really in love with me and has came back to me several times. Some could say that's a sign of love Others would say its a sign of stupidity I guess. .


Or co-dependence. Or someone who has an inclination towards unhealthy relationships. See, she knows you're married and yet she still sticks around. She is giving you deadlines w/o any regard for the family you do have. Do you realize that? Does your gf has kids? An ex-husband? What's her backstory? Does she know your wife? 

Also, your relationship with her is probably more fantasy-based than reality-based. You don't have to talk about bills, laundry, child-rearing, the broken dishwasher, planning your next family trip, having that one same argument over and over again, etc. It's all fun with her. Get it? 

With that said, it sounds like you do have feelings for your GF and I won't deny you that at all. But the bottom line is you can't fully make a good decision while you're involved in two relationships. It just doesn't work that way. 



Dudeguy said:


> The entire time I've been trying to evaluate what I had with my wife and figure out what I really wanted and then my gf would come back to me and tell me I need to decide.


If your GF could not even give you enough space to make what could be a life-changing decision, do you really want to be wtih someone like that? Someone who issues ultimatums if you don't go by their plan? Oh and again, this goes with my above statement: You can't fully evaluate where you are at if you have more than one relationship going on at a time. It's seriously like having a roller coaster in your head. 



Dudeguy said:


> Right now she is fed up and I'm on a timeline to decide or she's gone and will hate me forever for giving up on her.


Your wife would probably feels the same way. If she was even aware of what was going on. Or wife could find out all on her own if you don't tell her and decide for you, leaving you no choice in the matter.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> there is probably something wrong with her


Yeah. It's called anger and resentment. It's a 1-2 year process of change in you and development of your emotional connection with your wife to get over. Sex aint coming back anytime soon. But, it is so worth it if you honor your marriage and "man up".


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Dudeguy said:


> Jelly: My gf is ready to give up and move on if I don't do something. She's said this before but is really in love with me and has came back to me several times. Some could say that's a sign of love Others would say its a sign of stupidity I guess. The entire time I've been trying to evaluate what I had with my wife and figure out what I really wanted and then my gf would come back to me and tell me I need to decide. But my brain and heart would get stuck and just kinda sat there trying to figure out what I have. Right now she is fed up and I'm on a timeline to decide or she's gone and will hate me forever for giving up on her.


A married man cannot have a girlfriend, just so you know. There are words to describe what she is but girlfriend is impossible. You have to ask yourself what is so special about her. A single woman who chooses to have an affair with a married man and father of two young children. Pressing you to leave your SAHM wife so the two of you can skip off in to the sunset. Where is the magic?


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## Dudeguy (Jan 7, 2011)

I guess the hardest part to accept is the "what ifs". 

What if I've totally screwed up my marriage and its gone

What if my gf is the one I'm supposed to be with

What if I try to fix things with my wife and succeed and it just relapses. Like it has four or five times before. (no counseling, just talked and agreed to change and nothing happened)

The "What ifs" can keep going on and on and thats why I feel a bit paralyzed and it all hurts.

I now I can't keep both going forever and it won't. I guess i'm just scared of the lose-lose scenario and I need to accept that its a chance.


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## Dudeguy (Jan 7, 2011)

brighteyes: Shes not pressuring me to leave my wife. Shes pressuring me to confront her and decide what I want. maybe it's inadvertant pressure yes. But she's not standing there telling me to divorce. But to be with her I need to divorce or go back to my marriage and she's gone. I don't see it as bad. Its just truth


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> What if my gf is the one I'm supposed to be with


You won't be with her for long if you don't fix your issus. Plus, that is not an option once you had children. And, if that is the case, she will wait 5 years for you if you are "supposed" to be with her.



> What if I try to fix things with my wife and succeed and it just relapses. Like it has four or five times before. (no counseling, just talked and agreed to change and nothing happened)


you will walk away a better man and be able to have fruitful relationships throughout your life. Is that a bad thing?


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Dudeguy said:


> brighteyes: Shes not pressuring me to leave my wife. Shes pressuring me to confront her and decide what I want. maybe it's inadvertant pressure yes. But she's not standing there telling me to divorce. But to be with her I need to divorce or go back to my marriage and she's gone. I don't see it as bad. Its just truth


Do you really think she is pressuring you to do this because she is trying to save your marriage? Come on. She is poaching you, or at least trying to and neither of you are giving your wife any ammunition to know what she is up against and defend herself. Worse, when confronted by your wife, you lied and gaslighted her. Now you are making plans with your mistress to pull the rug out from under her.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Dudeguy said:


> brighteyes: Shes not pressuring me to leave my wife. Shes pressuring me to confront her and decide what I want.


You BELIEVE that??!!?? 

She is pressuring you to chose her.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> A married man cannot have a girlfriend


True. It's an affair partner or mistress. 



Dudeguy said:


> I guess the hardest part to accept is the "what ifs".


You will have "What ifs" for as long as you live, Dude. If you leave your wife for your affair partner, you will always wonder "What if I would have stayed with my wife/children." And vice versa.



Dudeguy said:


> What if my gf is the one I'm supposed to be with .


If she is the one that you want, then that is what you want. But you won't know either way as long as you're married to one woman and have someone on the side. Decision time.



Dudeguy said:


> I guess i'm just scared of the lose-lose scenario and I need to accept that its a chance.


Yep, you are definitely in a lose-lose situation right now and will be until you man up and make a decision. 



Dudeguy said:


> brighteyes: Shes not pressuring me to leave my wife. Shes pressuring me to confront her and decide what I want. maybe it's inadvertant pressure yes. But she's not standing there telling me to divorce. But to be with her I need to divorce or go back to my marriage and she's gone. I don't see it as bad. Its just truth


She's looking out for number one (her). You say she's not telling you to divorce but you also say she's telling you to confront your wife and decide and basically that if you don't choose her, she'll be gone. So in essence, "leave your wife and family for me or else."


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Dudeguy said:


> I guess i'm just scared of the lose-lose scenario and I need to accept that its a chance.


I will be in the minority here, but I think your "girlfriend" (a.k.a. MISTRESS) has actually put you in a win-win situation (frankly because you're a bit too gutless to do so yourself without being forced to).
You tell your wife what's gone on -- all of it -- and tell her you want to come fully clean, work with her and try to work this out, go to MC together, and get to what's gone fundamentally wrong to re-build it... if she agrees, you ditch the mistress and give it your all. If she says no (maybe even reveals her own affair? perhaps sees the relief and wants to leave for him?), you divorce and you THEN decide if you want to try and work it out with the mistress.... P.S. good luck trusting each other long-term with the mistress, you the cheater in marriage and her the willing homewreckerk, when things aren't so new & secretive to keep the rush, over the longer haul.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Do you really think she is pressuring you to do this because she is trying to save your marriage? Come on.


Agreed. She doesn't give a sh-t about your marriage or family unit with your wife. Your marriage with your wife is an afterthought to her. Again, she's looking out for number one. 



Mom6547 said:


> You BELIEVE that??!!??
> 
> She is pressuring you to chose her.


Where is a "Lightbulb/idea" emoticon when we need one! LOL. 

Dude, we're not saying any of these things in order to say OW is evil and your wife is a goddess. We are telling you all of this cause we can see the situation objectively, and from the outside looking in, it looks bad. Really bad. And the
worst part is there is an innocent person involved (your wife) since she has zero knowledge of what is truly going on.


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## Dudeguy (Jan 7, 2011)

bright eyes and mom: I know its easy to think that shes sitting there telling me what to do, but she's not. More like how a friend pushes you to do something. She doesn't want me to sit here miserable and do nothing. She wants me to do something and let her know so she can move on or make a life with me. Thats it really. 

Had to look up gaslighted though. Gotta remember that one!


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> And the
> worst part is there is an innocent person involved (your wife) since she has zero knowledge of what is truly going on.


The worst part is that there are innocent PEOPLE. Wife and KID(s).


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I agree with most of your points, 2x, except this:



2xloser said:


> You tell your wife what's gone on -- all of it -- and tell her you want to come fully clean, work with her and try to work this out, go to MC together, and get to what's gone fundamentally wrong to re-build it... *if she agrees, you ditch the mistress *and give it your all.


The extra-marital affair should end now. STAT.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Dudeguy said:


> bright eyes and mom: I know its easy to think that shes sitting there telling me what to do, but she's not. *More like how a friend pushes you to do something*. She doesn't want me to sit here miserable and do nothing.


Don't compare her to a "friend." "Friends" don't help actively participate in destroying marriages and families. "Friends" don't tell you to decide soon about what to do about your marriage or they will remove their "friendship." 




Mom6547 said:


> The worst part is that there are innocent PEOPLE. Wife and KID(s).


I stand corrected.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

2xloser said:


> You tell your wife what's gone on -- all of it -- and tell her you want to come fully clean, work with her and try to work this out, go to MC together, and get to what's gone fundamentally wrong to re-build it... if she agrees, you ditch the mistress


Bad idea. IF SHE AGREES? That is keeping one foot in the affair IMO. Get committed to your marriage. With both feet.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Agreed. She doesn't give a sh-t about your marriage or family unit with your wife. Your marriage with your wife is an afterthought to her. Again, she's looking out for number one.


She cares so much about his marriage that she is sleeping with him, another woman's husband but hey, no harm no foul, right?
Doesn't care that she is party to tearing a husband from his wife, tearing a father from his children, tearing the mother of those children from them as she will most likely need to get a job and ripping apart the family dynamic. She sounds like a gem.


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## Dudeguy (Jan 7, 2011)

I agree with you 2xloser. I haven't been able to make the move myself so she's forced me to. does she really want me to chose her? Yes of course. Is she forcing this decision for herself? Yes. But don't I owe it to her to do something? Don't I owe it to everybody involved to do SOMETHING? Yes. Thats why I came here.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It's good you acknowledge the fact and realize you do owe it to everyone involved to do something. Now you just have to make a move and follow through with it. I wish you luck either way.

Speaking to you as someone who had an affair and subsequently divorced, I can tell you firsthand, there is nothing in my life that I regret more than choosing to have an affair. _Nothing _at all.


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## Dudeguy (Jan 7, 2011)

How can i just go back to my marriage after all this though? Its easy to say but tough to do. My wife started acting like sex was a chore and eventually stopped altogether and acted like it was normal and not a big deal.

So I go out and find "love" and not just sex. Theres a deep emotional connection there that we built. 

Only in the past few months has my wife even kind of realized whats she's done and is trying like crazy to fix it. And I'm supposed to dump my "mistress" right now, confess everything to my wife and throw myself into my marriage?

Seriously, how can your heart take all that?


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Dudeguy said:


> How can i just go back to my marriage after all this though? Its easy to say but tough to do.


1. Life is hard. (Life is pain, highness. Anyone who tells you different it selling something.)

2. This HOW questions is a mighty good one for you and your therapist.

Not whether. How.



> My wife started acting like sex was a chore and eventually stopped altogether and acted like it was normal and not a big deal.
> 
> So I go out and find "love" and not just sex. Theres a deep emotional connection there that we built.
> 
> ...


By being a man.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Only you can decide what to do.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

Dude- You have 2 choices:

1. go with your mistress- down the road of this won't end well. Now you will have two failed relationships.


2. stay with your wife- it might work out, it might not. You could find out a TON about yourself and change for the better. You might be able to be a full time father to your children. You might not have to pay alimony plus child support. She is a SAHM after all.


One thing is for sure, you have created an absolute mess for yourself.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Dudeguy said:


> How can i just go back to my marriage after all this though? Its easy to say but tough to do. My wife started acting like sex was a chore and eventually stopped altogether and acted like it was normal and not a big deal.
> 
> So I go out and find "love" and not just sex. Theres a deep emotional connection there that we built.
> 
> ...


YES. because that is what you committed to do for better for worse, in the eyes of God (no I am not religious), before family & friends, etc..... you were there. 
Everyone here is telling you two things you don't wanna hear -- (a) you've got some of the blame for the no sex, and it is worth going to therapy to find out what, why, and how to fix it, and (b) marriage is worth fighting for -- even coming from people who've been in your shoes and left.
You want someone here to tell you what you've already decided to do is OK, absolve you from being a cheater who bailed on his marriage, but sorry no one is gonna do it.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

You seem to care more about your mistresses feelings than you do your wifes. You feel you owe your side girl something? You owe her nothing. She willingly got in to a deceptive relationship and knew what the consequences would be. Your wife? She is totally in the dark as to what is going on. You owe HER everything.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Dedicated2Her said:


> Dude- You have 2 choices:
> 
> 1. go with your mistress
> 
> 2. stay with your wife


Yep, that is pretty much it.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Yep, that is pretty much it.


Actually there are three choices, the first two and then staying with his wife and telling her what he has done thereby giving her the option of staying or leaving. You know, options he never gave her from the get go.


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## Dudeguy (Jan 7, 2011)

I realize I owe my wife something and I realize I can't have both. Its just the inner workings of how all this will work. Its not just if my wife will take me back or if my gf and I will work out and be happy. Its the trust issues, peoples hearts and feelings. I guess those are all wildcards.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> Only in the past few months has my wife even kind of realized whats she's done and is trying like crazy to fix it. And I'm supposed to dump my "mistress" right now, confess everything to my wife and throw myself into my marriage?


This tells me all I need to know. What SHE has done?!?!?! Are you kidding me? You looked to your wife to be your approver, your validator, your uplifter. YOU put that burden on her. It's YOUR fault. You are the man. YOU dropped the ball. Until YOU figure that out, this has NO chance of turning out well. Grow a "set", become the leader of your home. Ditch the mistress and make your wife and kids proud to call you dad/husband. I feel so sorry for your family. Especially, your children. What are they going to think when "daddy" packs up and walks out of the home while YOUR WIFE has to try and pick up all the pieces because all you were concerned about were YOUR NEEDS. 

Is one of your children a boy? If so, SHAME ON YOU. To make a young boy become the man of the house is disgusting. You haven't even ATTEMPTED marriage couseling. This makes me want to PUKE. I'm done.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Dudeguy said:


> I realize I owe my wife something and I realize I can't have both. Its just the inner workings of how all this will work.


You will never know how it will work until you decide.



Dudeguy said:


> Its the trust issues, peoples hearts and feelings. I guess those are all wildcards.


Yep, all wild cards. 

*What did you say to your wife when she said she thinks you are cheating on her?*

Does OW know your wife? 

I noticed you didn't answer any of the questions I asked a few pages back.


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## Dudeguy (Jan 7, 2011)

Dedicated: YES, what she's done. She relegated me to the curb and didn't care. And when I tried to confront it she played victim or blew me off like I was crazy. So, I gave up and let it sit there thinking it was a phase, but she stayed in it. So I pulled back more and more emotion until there was none and she never reacted. So I started a relationship and she still never noticed anything. Finally, she clued in that life wasn't so peachy and is tough. And when I finally confronted her with my feelings of us, she had no reason why she acted like that and alluded that she'd be a single mom of 2 kids without me. Not saying how she missed the old us or how things used to be. It was that her life would be tough with me gone.


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## Dudeguy (Jan 7, 2011)

jelly: I didn't address it when she asked. We were talking about several subjects so I switched subjects to something else. Pretty lame but she's in denial I guess.

No the OW does not know my wife and has zero connections to her whatsoever.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

SHE played victim? You are blaming her for everything. It's all her fault you tripped and fell in to another woman. Hogwash. You have options and one of them was doing the honorable thing and filing for divorce instead of lying, sneaking, deceiving, plotting and scheming.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Dudeguy, the saddest thing about this is that you are

1. going to leave your wife
2. Not going to learn a damned thing about what caused your marriage to fail.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> Dedicated: YES, what she's done. She relegated me to the curb and didn't care. And when I tried to confront it she played victim or blew me off like I was crazy. So, I gave up and let it sit there thinking it was a phase, but she stayed in it. So I pulled back more and more emotion until there was none and she never reacted. So I started a relationship and she still never noticed anything. Finally, she clued in that life wasn't so peachy and is tough. And when I finally confronted her with my feelings of us, she had no reason why she acted like that and alluded that she'd be a single mom of 2 kids without me. Not saying how she missed the old us or how things used to be. It was that her life would be tough with me gone.


Of course she reacted that way. That is how mine did. She probably already feels like a single parent, so why not? 

Here is the issue, while I'm not advocating what your wife has or has not done. YOU have issues. If you don't fix them, you will relegate your NEW woman to the same fate as this one. 

What? she has anger and resentment towards you. Of course, she doesn't want the old "us". She can't even remember it. Women are emotional beings. Resentment KILLS them.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Mom6547 said:


> Dudeguy, the saddest thing about this is that you are
> 
> 1. going to leave your wife
> 2. Not going to learn a damned thing about what caused your marriage to fail.


Well at least he will be with his hole mate.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Mom6547 said:


> Dudeguy, the saddest thing about this is that you are
> 
> 1. going to leave your wife
> 2. Not going to learn a damned thing about what caused your marriage to fail.


:smthumbup: *round of applause*. Better yet, standing ovation.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Dudeguy said:


> jelly: I didn't address it when she asked. We were talking about several subjects so I switched subjects to something else. *Pretty lame but she's in denial I guess.*


Dude... "she's in denial?" What? The only reason she doesn't know you are cheating is because you are keeping the truth about the affair from her. Don't blame her for not knowing/denying it if you haven't been forthright w/ her about it. Especially if she told you in conversation _"I think you are cheating on me/Maybe you are cheating on me/Are you cheating on me?"_

That's not fair. 

Anyway, if the marriage is so bad and you can't stand it, just file for divorce and be with OW. Yes, it really is that simple. 

But _do_ tell your wife why you are getting divorced: lack of sex and because you want to be with someone else.

You are going to do whatever you want but at least tell her why the divorce is happening. She deserves the truth at minimum.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Dude... "she's in denial?" What? The only reason she doesn't know you are cheating is because you are keeping the truth about the affair from her.


In other words "she's an idiot for believing me when I tell her I am not cheating". Yeah, it's denial and her fault. 

Also, Jelly....do you REALLY think he is going to tell his wife the truth? :rofl: When she asked if he was cheating he changed the subject and blames HER for believing him?! HE is going to be forthcoming and honest? This guys like Teflon....nothing sticks.


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## Dudeguy (Jan 7, 2011)

brighteyes:

I don't blame her for everything. I chose to get myself into this mess. I could have done more. I could have confronted her but I chose not to because I knew she wouldn't listen. I hoped if I pulled back she would react and I could maybe make her see the light. But she didn't I'm not innocent but she's not perfect.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I don't know if he will tell her but I urge him to.

Keeping her in the dark about somehing of this magnitude is not the right thing to do.

And Dude, you're right--nobody is perfect. Ever. But this little secret of yours is pretty massive. And the longer you keep it up, the worse for everyone. Just as the longer you try to juggle a marriage and an affair is. Something will give eventually. These things have a way of coming out. At the worst times ever. Tell her.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> "I hoped if I pulled back she would react "


This is why you need therapy. Do yourself a big favor. Pick up "Fathered by God" by John Eldredge. Read it. Learn it. Engrain it in your heart. Then, start working on your marriage.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Dudeguy said:


> brighteyes:
> 
> I don't blame her for everything. I chose to get myself into this mess. I could have done more. I could have confronted her but I chose not to because I knew she wouldn't listen. I hoped if I pulled back she would react and I could maybe make her see the light. But she didn't I'm not innocent but she's not perfect.


Nobody is saying she is perfect. No one is even saying you should have done MORE. You certainly could have done things differently/ more effectively.

But it hard to take someone who never even tried counseling very seriously wrt their effort.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Dudeguy said:


> brighteyes:
> 
> I don't blame her for everything. I chose to get myself into this mess. I could have done more. I could have confronted her but I chose not to because I knew she wouldn't listen. I hoped if I pulled back she would react and I could maybe make her see the light. But she didn't I'm not innocent but she's not perfect.


She wouldn't listen? Really? As in you walked up to her and told her you were screwing somebody else and she took her fingers and stuffed them in her ears and yelled la la la la la. She listened alright, she listened to you lie to her and say you weren't screwing around. That doesn't make it her fault. 
Also, it really bothers me that you seem way more concerned about your mistress than your WIFE. You haven't said one nice thing about your wife but said your relationship with your mistress is/was beautiful. You also couldn't have sex with two women so you pick your mistress and not your wife to have sex with. Can't cheat on your mistress, now can you?


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## Dudeguy (Jan 7, 2011)

Brighteyes/Jelly:

She's in denial theres really not anything wrong. That nothings really ever been wrong and its pretty much OK to withhold sex for years at a time. When asked why she's done that she said she doesn't know. She's said this everytime I've asked over the past 6+ years. Not just the past few days. It's a repeating subject with us and we don't know why. I think its understandable to be a little apprehensive about our marriage when we can never have simple sex. (before I even thought of cheating)


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Bottom line is you need to make a decision. 

Right now you are betraying a LOT of people. Your wife, your kids, in-laws, friends, colleagues, even your mistress if you are telling her you will decide and yet you don't. A lot of lives are being affected. Oh and I forgot: you are betraying yourself. 

Can't sit on the fence forever.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Dudeguy said:


> Brighteyes/Jelly:
> 
> She's in denial theres really not anything wrong.


I can ASSURE you that once she finds out you've been cheating on her for almost a year now, it will become painfully clear to her that something is wrong.

Sometimes people think that withholding the truth from someone does the other person good.

But I disagree. 

You'd be surprised how much "truth" someone can handle. 

Right now, your entire marriage is a lie. It's a lie because she thinks your marriage is monogamous and involves only the two of you. And it simply isn't true.


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## Dudeguy (Jan 7, 2011)

Yes I do need to make a decision. I feel for my wife and kids and I'm not indifferent to them. My affair took off and I never expected to fall in love. But deep down its what I was missing in my life. I'm going to look into some more counseling. In fact I started looking more seriously last week, but came here for quicker results and more opinions.

Thank you for all the replies.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Bottom line is you need to make a decision.
> 
> Right now you are betraying a LOT of people. Your wife, your kids, in-laws, friends, colleagues, even your mistress if you are telling her you will decide and yet you don't. A lot of lives are being affected. Oh and I forgot: you are betraying yourself.
> 
> Can't sit on the fence forever.


Maybe his wife will make the decision for him. Then he is free to go to Plan B.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Dudeguy said:


> Brighteyes/Jelly:
> 
> She's in denial theres really not anything wrong. That nothings really ever been wrong and its pretty much OK to withhold sex for years at a time. When asked why she's done that she said she doesn't know. She's said this everytime I've asked over the past 6+ years. Not just the past few days. It's a repeating subject with us and we don't know why. I think its understandable to be a little apprehensive about our marriage when we can never have simple sex. (before I even thought of cheating)


Bear in mind here that you HAVE been given advice in this thread about turning things around with your wife. You are enmeshed in a right fight. Until you let go of who is right and who is wrong and look at HOW TO SOLVE THE PROBLEMS IN YOUR MARRIAGE you are hosed, for this relationship and for any future ones.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

IMO, counselling will be most more effective when you don't have 2 relationships going on at the same time.

We're here for you so post away


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## Dudeguy (Jan 7, 2011)

Jelly: Please check your inbox when you have a chance.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Well at least he will be with his hole mate.


This guy is on the cusp. He may listen. We should back off and not attack lest we push him over the cusp in the wrong direction! If he feels attacked, he will shut down.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

4 year sex drought = no marriage. You are justified to question everything. She knows why she doesn't want sex, but doesn't want to tell you. She's probably afraid of ending the relationship due to the kids. You should know what the issue is before you divorce. Seek counciling to understand the truth. It may not help the marriage, but I wouldn't want to be in a marriage based on a lie. You need to dump the girlfriend and look in the mirror. Don't be "that guy". What will your children think? They will find out eventually. Chances are that your girlfriend won't make a good spouse anyway and your relationship could be based on excitement that won't be present in an honest relationship.


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## 12yearsandcounting (May 25, 2011)

We have a moral obligation to our spouses. We took vows. It is different if you were just dating and NOT married. You are not obligated to the other woman...and everyone knows it is wrong to seek solutions outside of marriage. 

WHY would you have let the NO SEX deal last for 2yr?s It is MY obligation as a wife to satisfy my husband (I don't have to perform at levels that are in movies) BUT my husband LOVES to know that I WANT HIM. at times, "I take one for the team" Meaning, I may not want to have sex, but I do and I enjoy it... It is common knowledge IF this does not happen my husband will seek it elsewhere eventually. Just as if he was NOT meeting a need of mine...I would need to confront him, and we would need to get it resolved...I believe it is YOUR responsibility to make sure your needs are met within your marriage. If there is something that she needs to deal with to get there, YOU need to support that process...for example therapy for past child abuse or something. many times sex is viewed as something not great because of past abuse of some form... 

She has not followed through but it is your responsibility as her husband to make her accountable for that...In a loving way. and if there is NO resolve then certainly divorce.... Your needs are important and you have a voice.... You should have used your voice first, out of respect for your wife, kids, and extended family who will find out eventually, and then it's all going to turn into a nasty nasty thing....

You have to walk away from this other woman...You have to see if you are really not in love anymore with your wife. If she is trying and throwing her self at you, she is making an attempt because she doesn't want to lose you. That is her right. She needs to be allowed to fight for you. Right? Don't you want her to fight for you? For your marriage? For the well being of her children to be sure their parents stick it out?

The BEST gift you could ever give your kids are parents who don't quit, and show that you are willing to work it through it...it is the ultimate way of saying "YOU ARE WORTH IT!"...kids will internalize your leaving....do you have a daughter? She will say "I need to be better for daddy or he will leave me"

It is a catastrophic decision and predicament you are in How ever you want to justify your actions is fine.... BUT YOU know the difference between right and wrong. If you co-worker at work did something you didn't like, or if you worked on an assembly line and someone wasn't holding up their task, set you off course...You would need to speak to them to resolve the issue to get back on track....If that co-worker needed assistance assistance would be given....our Spouses deserve soooo much better!

Just sayin' good luck


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## Dudeguy (Jan 7, 2011)

Thanks Enginerd and 12. I have a lot of thinking to do.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Dudeguy, also get over to the Men's Clubhouse. There are a lot of guys over there who have solved your very problem with sexless marriages.


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## Betty Betty (Apr 13, 2011)

It sounds to me like you are now concerned about cheating on your GF with your wife. You should have ended this marriage a long time ago, before you started having the affair. Now instead of ending a marriage because your wife could not communicate with you about the lack of a physical relationship you get to be the bad guy who leaves her for another woman. I would be somewhat suspicious of what your wife is doing or what she is lacking in your relationship that has caused her to be so withdrawn from you on that intimate level. Unless you provide her with the whole truth and see if she can forgive you your marriage doesn’t stand a chance. Then even if those things happen that will just mean you can start to try to figure out what you need to work on to get your physical relationship back. At this point you may not have much of a choice at all, let the truth be your guide.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Dude... I agree with Mom that you should try getting ideas from The Men's Clubhouse forum. A lot of them can relate to aspects of your situation.

I am just doing a quick multi-quote here to show you a pattern. It's one thing if 1 person points something out but when you have multiple folks saying the same thing, it may cause you to think about some things:



Dedicated2Her said:


> My advice---cut the girlfriend loose.





grizabella said:


> Dude, you gotta let the girlfriend go.





Enginerd said:


> You need to dump the girlfriend and look in the mirror. Don't be "that guy". What will your children think? They will find out eventually.





12yearsandcounting said:


> You have to walk away from this other woman.....


Get rid of the third party so you can figure out what you want to do. If you decide to divorce, then it will be because you decided on your own, without any influence. 

As long as the A is happening, you're playing with a lot of lives.


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## MS_TN (Apr 12, 2009)

Wow! Dudeguy. I feel your pain. I am in a similar situation... only no affair, but feeling no love or affection from my wife for a few years. Am struggling myself with leaving or not. I would say consider carefully. Divorce is nothing to shake a stick at. Serious stuff. But, continuing to live in a loveless, friendless, sexless marriage is excruciating. I can offer little guidance, but this: Life is too short not to be happy. consider ALL options and ALL avenues for self fulfillment. I send you all the good karma I can. I wish you luck and a blessed future.


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