# Banging my head against the wall. Do I stay or go?



## SadAndLonley (Feb 11, 2016)

First time poster, long time lurker. I’ll try to be brief (don’t we all say that?).

Married almost 5 years, together almost 7. I’m 52, he’s 58. I’m his third wife, he’s my second husband. He has two grown daughters, I have no children. We have pets together.

At first things were good. We’d go out together, do things and really enjoy each others company. In 2010, I discovered his porn addiction and it was awful. Those of you who have dealt with it know the emotional roller coaster it will put you through. He seems to have “recovered” from it and I’ve found no evidence in the last couple of years.

Married in 2011. He travelled a lot the first couple of years and during that time had a porn relapse. I almost left at that point, but gave it another shot since we JUST got married. After our first anniversary, we stopped having sex. I mean stopped. Completely. He said it’s because I reject him. I tell him that when he pinches certain areas, it hurts and I recoil. I told him I’m not one of his internet babes and want to be treated with respect. Fast forward to last year, he has been sleeping in the basement guest room. Says it’s because the mattress is better for his back. 

Respect and priority are the biggest issues lately (aside from no intimacy). And his selfishness. I could go on and on, but I won’t. He does things for others but not for me. For example, he was driving a co worker home every night, but I can’t get him to take out the trash. He moved his truck and cleared the snow in and around his car, around the neighbors driveway and their walkway. He left my car there and left the snow piled up behind it. These are recent examples, but you get it. As for respect, he does not respect my time, my job or me by the way I’m treated. And his oldest daughter (32 yo) is the most hateful, toxic and disrespectful girl on earth. She’s called me a liar, a thief a fake-Christian and he does NOTHING but ignore it, allowing her the belief that it’s OK to talk to me this way. It’s not OK and I've blocked her from my phone, social media etc. 

These days, I work a normal day shift and he works noon-8:30. When I get home, I have dishes to wash (he leaves his in the sink), pets to feed, among other things. There is usually piles of his papers all over the kitchen, dining room and family room. He has an office but it’s a mess. He gets home and plops down or camps in front of his computer/phone and doesn’t speak to me since he’s playing solitaire or on Facebook. He greets the dogs when he comes in and I barely get a hello. I admit, I’m not jumping up and greeting him either. His job is the laundry and I wind up doing it half the time. I’m supposed to take care of the kitty boxes and he is to pick up the dog waste in the yard and clean the bird cage. The age is cleaned maybe every three months and I can’t tell you how much dog poo is on the patio and grass. You can’t even walk out there.

We’ve tried marriage counseling twice; once in 2012 and once in 2014. The first time was a joke and the second time he didn’t complete the required “homework” because he was busy and forgot (he had 3 weeks to do it). I’ve tried what I can; I went back to the counselor solo, I’ve seen another therapist on my own, I’ve read countless articles and have sent them to him. We have the same arguments over and over and nothing gets resolved because he sweeps it under the rug hoping it will go away. He just goes back to the normal routine never to mention it again. Then reverts to the same behavior. I’m so frustrated!

I guess after all this I’m asking if it’s worth sticking around? I’ve turned into a depressed, angry & resentful person who feels like the only one who is still invested in this marriage. I love him (maybe the old him) and really don’t want to fail a second time. But what do I do? 

Thanks in advance for any advice you have.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

He does not respect you. He is not a good husband. He does not even rate the status of a "poor" husband. 

(Stop doing HIS laundry. When he runs out of clean clothes he will wear dirty ones or wash his. But that will not help the basic problem.)

Does he have ANY good qualities? Don't let "fail a second time" keep you from doing what you need to do. "Failing" is remaining in a situation in which you are a depressed, angry & resentful person.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

I would stop doing anything for him, I would consider divorce. 

I hate to see marriages fail, but you can't do it by yourself. You need to take care of you before you get more depressed, you gave it your best shot so don't feel guilty if you decide to move on.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

I'm sorry if my post sounds blunt or cold. But it came out this way as I was reading your post.

2010 found porn (awful) while dating
2011 married
2012 1st time getting marriage counseling
2014 2nd time getting marriage counseling
2015-2016 Lazy, uncommunicative, selfish, sleeping alone, allows adult daughter to abuse you verbally

First, I would have him move the bed from the guest room to the master bedroom, or get a better mattress for the master bed to get you two sleeping in the same room again. Physical intimacy is important to two people bonding.

If he balks at that idea, then you know it isn't about the bed. He doesn't want to sleep with you.

If that is the case, combined with everything else, it doesn't look like there is even much of a marriage to fight for and there probably has never been.

Why do you want to continue in a marriage that isn't really a marriage but just two people living as housemates?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

SadAndLonley said:


> he has been sleeping in the basement guest room. Says it’s because the mattress is better for his back.


I have used that exact same excuse myself when I wanted to get away from W. And I have a brand new high end mattress. Of course it has nothing to do with his back.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Sounds like he wants a maid and cook, not a wife. I think you know what to do, it's just a matter of doing it. Whoever you thought you were marrying, isn't really who he is. I imagine he treated his first two wives... the same way. Sorry you're going through this, stay strong...and stay true to yourself.


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## SadAndLonley (Feb 11, 2016)

Actually last fall I suggested moving the mattress upstairs and getting rid of the other bed. Sadly, it has not been done and no effort has been put forth.

To answer someone else question, yes there are good qualities. He can build anything from an idea and is very creative in that respect. And he doesn't skimp when he does it either. The veggie bed he built me last spring for my herb garden is top notch.


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## SadAndLonley (Feb 11, 2016)

Thanks for all the responses. I've been doing a lot of soul searching these past few weeks and looking at things as objectively as I can which isn't easy. I drafted a separation agreement and signed it. This has to be the hardest thing in my life and I need to do what's best at this point. Neither one of us is happy. 

As for his daughter, I told him once that this is my "hill to die on" and if he can't let her know that treating his wife in such a disrespectful manner is unacceptable, then there is no reason to stay. But, he allows her to verbally abuse him, so that says a lot. 

He tells me he loves me and that I am a priority to him. He promises me things will get better and he'll step up. In my world, actions speak louder then words. If the actions are not there, the words are meaningless. 

Ugh, this sucks.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

At least you two don't have children together. You two don't have a marriage you have a roommate situation. Three strikes and he is out, he isn't good at marriage. He is too selfish and he isn't going to say anything to his daughter about how she treats you because she is his daughter forever and doesn't want to upset her, wives come and go in his life. He is all words, no actions. Since he isn't happy either then hopefully the divorce will be amicable if you do go that route.


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