# I filed, but wife wants to separate to try and work things out. Now I'm conflicted.



## fall guy (Nov 9, 2012)

Hi everyone, I filed for divorce four weeks ago, and now my wife is BEGGING to separate and try and work things out.

The short story is that I have always believed my wife is BPD or ASPD. I don’t know this because every time I convince her to see a therapist, she convinces them there is nothing wrong with her, but she meets all the criteria of BPD with some ASPD and NPD mixed in: intense mood swings, impulsive behavior, projection, MASSIVE abandonment issues (I can’t leave the house without her crying), circular conversations, black/white thinking, deceitfulness (she lies about EVERYTHING), irresponsibility, and lack of remorse. So after putting up with this for years and a series of really bizarre events, I filed for divorce. NOW, she starts going to a psychotherapist, admitting everything, and claims she is mentally ill, but won’t give me the details because she thinks it will affect custody proceedings.

Here’s the skinny: over the past few years, she has been arrested for shoplifting three times (all three times she had the kids with her). The bizarre thing is that she talked her way out of each arrest and was never charged. She was also arrested for vandalizing a car, fired from her last three nursing jobs (one of which was for missing meds), had various bouts of unemployment, has terrible financial skills (40 bad checks in the past two years alone), and recently was sexting another man she met in a bar trying to arrange a sexual encounter (while she was unemployed and refusing to get a job). This man also happened to be her best friend’s boyfriend, whom she was mad at for some reason and was being vengeful.

The bad part is that she denies all of this: the shoplifting incidents were all mistakes, getting fired was not her fault, and she denies trying to meet the other man (which is clear from the recovered texts). And not only does she deny, but she maliciously attacks me for even thinking she might be guilty of any of this. Not only does she has zero remorse, but she makes me feel absolutely CrAzY.

We tried marriage counseling about six months ago and after three months our marriage counselor literally told her that he didn’t want to see her anymore. He could not take the denial and manipulation any more.

To top it off I found a couple of nice jackets in her closet a couple of weekends ago with tags still on them and took them back to the store to confirm they were stolen. Again she had one of our kids with her at the time. When I confronted her, she become very defensive and insulted that I could accuse her of theft. We argued briefly, but I did not tell her I took one of the jackets back to the store. About 1:00 in the morning, she woke me up in a rage and cursed me as she hovered over me for suggesting that she might be shoplifting. I was honestly scared. I didn’t know if she was going to kill me or what. I let her do this and eventually got up and left. I didn’t tell her until next day that I knew they were shoplifted. She finally admitted to stealing this, but still won't own up to the other shoplifting arrests.

My question is, at what point is enough enough? I have made every effort to get her to own up to her wrongdoings and see someone, but she wouldn’t do so until I filed for divorce. NOW she wants to get help. I shouldn’t have to go to that extreme to get her to seek help, should I? And I can’t help but to feel like this is just her trying to sooth things over and then… back to the way things used to be. I am conflicted here. I don’t want to do this again and again, but we have three kids and to be honest, without me she is going to be an absolute train wreck.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

FallGuy,

You already know the answer to your question. If you don't, let me just list a few:

She has been arrested for shoplifting 
She was also arrested for vandalizing a car
Fired from her last three nursing jobs (one of which was for missing meds)
Was sexting another man she met in a bar trying to arrange a sexual encounter
About 1:00 in the morning, she woke me up in a rage and cursed me as she hovered over me 
I didn’t know if she was going to kill me or what

As far as I'm concerned, you should be up for sainthood for staying in this marriage at all. Additionally, I think you should file for custody because your wife has some VERY serious issues and I'd be afraid to leave the kids with her.

She needs intense help. If you have any hesitation at all, you could offer the possiblity of TRYING to R ONLY if she gets in (and stays in) counseling.

Good luck


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## NoIssues (Oct 9, 2011)

dont do it she is too damaged to fix


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

If I am not mistaken you originally posted this a few months back... if nothing has changed in her behavior I would never entertain the idea of working it out.

She knows she is *crazy* but she doesn't want to accept it... she needs to come to terms with the fact she has demons and needs help. Actknowledging is the first step... Until then, you are wasting your time.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My advice... Divorce, or at least initiate the process. If she wants to reconcile, she has to be open and honest about everything, including a diagnosis. How can you consider a relationship if you don't know what you're getting into? 

Stay separated or divorced for a LONG time to see if she's serious about dealing with her issues. Most likely, she'll regress to last behavior, and you can end things (again). 

Personally, I'd just end the marriage and call it done. But if you want to try reconciling, I'm saying go very slowly, and take it as you would a new relationship. Let her show you who she truly is. And she has to start the process by being open with you on the current issues, regardless of the risk to her on the custody side. If she's not willing to take that risk, she's not committed. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

Toffer said:


> FallGuy,
> 
> You already know the answer to your question. If you don't, let me just list a few:
> 
> ...


Heh, you kinda noted everthing though.

And of course, you're right.


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