# discovered some old secrets



## betrayedifeel (Oct 22, 2013)

been with my partner 16yrs, married almost 14. things were fine to start with until our first child came along. post natal depression was diagnosed and her attitude towards me changed. by her own admission i supported her well during this time even though the abuse i received was upsetting. 

we moved house and things perked up a little and we tried for our 2nd child. during that pregnancy i was really starting to wonder if id made a good decision, felt lonely and that many things were my fault. i smoked a lot of 'pot' back then and was drawn back into that circle i had abandoned when i met her and thought "she's the one!". was offered some coke and got stuck in. didnt come clean with her until my debt was high and collectors were knocking though. my wife doesnt do drugs and it was my secret for 7-8 months. once i told her my life changed completely. she was upset ofc but stayed. i snapped my bankcard and told her i was bad with money and that she should run things until i felt better. my last snort left me feeling like id had a heart attack and that feeling still hasnt left me although it has eased somewhat over the years. i feel weak and mental as i think it caused psychosis. i became distant and felt stupid, paranoid that people were out to get me and laughing at me. also i felt i deserved no trust. 

anyhow, facebook came along and she joined. i was happy for her to meet up with old (female) friends, keep close contact with her family and trusted her to be faithful etc. it bugged me because it turned into and obsession with her but she talked to me sometimes about her conversations regarding mutual friends. tbh i got into some pc games because all the time i was distracted i wasnt thining or feeling like a paranoid waste of space. it helped me. so, we plodded on, had sex twice only in that first year, 1 time was her birthday and i thought id better make some effort. things perked up again but we were still just coasting i think. 

fast forward to the start of 2012 and i was in a personal dilemna. wasnt sure if i could see my wife and i together much longer and had to take a few months to assess and evaluate why i was with her. i didnt explain this to her but in the end id made a decision to stay and work things out because i really did (still do) love her, wanted us to work. 

she bought a smartphone around this 'thinking' time and slowly over the months, despite my decision, i became concerned about her use of this new tool. it went everywhere with her, was constantly in use and she smiled a lot whilst reading whatever, so once again i felt paranoid, but for different reasons this time. we had a few words but i didnt press it and she continued her pastime. 

close to xmas we had a big heart2heart and we decided to try for another baby and things were great. for a week or 2 after she got pregnant.... someone mentioned a post on facebook to me (i dont use it so never saw what she wrote all those years) and it wound me up and thought it was about me. it wasnt but it started a chain reaction. i asked for her password and she refused :scratchhead: so much for no secrets in marriage! 

10 days of bugging it took to get that password out of her. during that time i was monitoring her movements regarding the phone and would stay awake convinced she was waiting for me to sleep before she could use her phone safely as she was acting cagey. i fell asleep in the end ofc, but would wake up to find her in the toilet and her phone missing. 

when i finally got access to her account i read a lot of conversations. just searched keywords to see what would pop up but it seemed some of the conversation ended abruptly, midway, like the end had been deleted. what i did discover is that my wife had been complaining about me to anyone that would listen. very few of these people knew/know me yet would cast judgements and take her side of the story (which was often blown out of proportion, in her favour ofc). she was having slightly innapropriate conversation with a couple of other men she knew, discussing some of our marriage problems  she was going out a lot at the time with her 'friends', sometimes getting back really late hours/early morning. always a semi-plausible excuse at hand... like i say, i discovered a lot, feel that i never really knew the person i married. a 2-faced, indiscreet, attention seeking, immature person is what i came to realise .

i found evidence of 2 dating websites she joined, she claimed she thought they were just another social platform and never used them once she realised what they were :scratchhead: zoosk could mean anything but cmon, it has a heart in the title. ******* is self explanatory id say. she denies any wrongdoing but when i think it over, it all happened around the same time, the nights out, the sites, many ghosthunts she attended too. all nighters... 
we had a discussion about it and she got defensive but assured me nothing untoward had happened. the cream came when i approached her about the facebook status's and messages sent over the years and asked if she had anything else to divulge, she said yes. "i came off the pill without your knowing and thats where child no.3 came from. its yours, honest." 

so.. ive got no.4 on the way and all this going on in my head. she deactivated (not deleted tho) facebook but continued her heavy use of phone. whatsapp became the new facebook for her and she always uses her full allowance of texts per months. i dont have a phone so none are for me! the phone use continues but after what ive read in the past i cannot help feel suspicious every time she picks the phone up now. its like im sitting in the room but not privvy to the conversation unfolding.

it bugs me but i try let it pass. she has a lot of female friends she keeps up with (by text/whatsapp only, awesome friends imo but hey, we all have kids, i sorta understand) but all those friends now never talk to me and i feel my wife has secluded me from any friendships i could have with these people because she led them to believe i was such an a**hole previously. 

long story, sorry, there is more but its late and im tired. i just wanted some opinions about my reactions. are they justified, should i feel paranoid or was it the drugs i took. i love my wife and kids plenty but feel so confused. id hate to be taken for a mug but i feel like one so much right now.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Ouch...my eye nerves! Paragraphs are your friend...my friend


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Noone is going to read this wall of text .Go back and break it up


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

I read it (my eyes!) and hope the experts will come along to help you. If it were me though, I would at the very least DNA test my kids (especially #3) to see if they were mine.


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## Gonna Make It (Dec 3, 2012)

Red Sonja said:


> I read it (my eyes!) and hope the experts will come along to help you. If it were me though, I would at the very least DNA test my kids (especially #3) to see if they were mine.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I dunno man, it sure sounds like your wife is cheating to me. It sounds like she has this whole other life outside your marriage. She stays out all night and she's got kids at home? Even if your married life isn't great, it's hard for me to see what would make that ok. 

You did a lot of damage to your relationship when you turned to drugs, and that isn't her fault, no matter how "difficult" or even "abusive" she was supposedly being at the time. But that seems like water under the bridge at this point. Now she's lying to you, hiding things from you, staying out late, etc. No, you don't sound paranoid, the Zoosk and ******* explanations are 100% BS. Everyone knows what those are. It says "online dating" when you go to the webpages. And she's talking to strange men about your marriage problems -- a telltale sign imo and something that should never be done anyway, even if there's no cheating.


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## accept1 (Sep 23, 2013)

A few questions. Do you both work and about how old are you both.
You want to keep the marriage. Your wife is 'wandering' but I dont think she has 'settled' yet. Does she want to keep the marriage.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

To me it seem like alot of rambling about nothing.....the drug use, having children and your wife learning to use a cell phone and FaceBook. Sounds like you are suspicious but do you have reason. I did not read any well explained reason that would make me suspicious.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Your WW has been having affairs for a very long time. You must DNA test your kids.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> what i did discover is that my wife had been complaining about me to anyone that would listen. very few of these people knew/know me yet would cast judgements and take her side of the story (which was often blown out of proportion, in her favour ofc).


Nothing like this post, right?



> fast forward to the start of 2012 and i was in a personal dilemna. wasnt sure if i could see my wife and i together much longer and had to take a few months to assess and evaluate why i was with her.


What did this look like to her? You said you never told her what you were thinking, but what's the possibility it was obvious to her anyway that you were pulling away, were distant, didn't seem interested, etc?



> a 2-faced, indiscreet, attention seeking, immature person is what i came to realise .


So, what do you think thought when she realized she'd married Charlie Sheen who was into cocaine and had debt collectors after him? 



> but all those friends now never talk to me and i feel my wife has secluded me from any friendships i could have with these people because she led them to believe i was such an a**hole previously.


So there's no way your previous actions could have contributed to this? Did they ever witness one of your paranoid cocaine weird-outs? I'm sure that would do wonders for a reputation.

But, there's a lot of questions here:

- When you are unsure of your relationship, why do you continue to have more children? (IE why are you still leaving the birth control to her after her "mess up?")

- Your wife goes out with friends, when do you and the wife go out together?


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

AVR1962 said:


> To me it seem like alot of rambling about nothing.....the drug use, having children and your wife learning to use a cell phone and FaceBook. Sounds like you are suspicious but do you have reason. I did not read any well explained reason that would make me suspicious.


 Did you read his post? Dating sites, conversations with OM about the state of her marriage, leaving many children at home to go out for all nighters. Coming home in the early morning from partying with friends. 
To say there is nothing going on is crazy talk. She is/has cheated on you.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Don't ignore the people here who automatically jump to "she's cheating", but _take it with a grain of salt_. Those are blanket statements based on one post, and without digging for further information. Don't allow that to cloud your judgment. There are lots of heartbreaking stories here, and unfortunately people tend to almost want to add another person to their club. I mean no offense to those who have had this happen, but it's a little early to go straight to the "she's cheating" statements.

Given the circumstances, I'm of the belief that she may have entertained the thought of going outside the marriage, though I wouldn't make the assumption that she's gone through with it.

Drug use tends to make one emotionally unavailable, particularly when you're hiding it. For the period of time that you were back on them, you probably came across as "not there" to your wife, and because she had no idea why, she may have made the assumption that you had no interest in her. Or worse, that YOU were cheating on her. (which, in a way, you were. Just not with a woman.) Basically, your priority at that time was not her, and no matter how much you thought you were holding things together and keeping up appearances, it likely didn't appear that way to her.

Perhaps some of the "advice" she got from all her FB friends were the same as the "advice" you are getting here - "he's obviously cheating on you". Therefore, she started looking elsewhere for the love and affection she was not receiving at home. With children in the picture, it's possible she did not want to rock the boat, or otherwise leave the relationship. And without being satisfied at home, she went outside the marriage.

Does this mean she cheated on you, physically? Not at all. Emotionally, maybe. Looking for attention from others? Probably. Male OR female.

Everybody, man or woman, just wants to be wanted. A lot of the time, just feeling wanted is enough. Flirting with someone of the opposite sex and having it returned is often enough to make you feel desirable when you're otherwise not feeling that way.

Some of the best feelings in the world, in terms of relationships, are the very beginnings of one. The flirting, the realization that you like someone and they like you back. The start of a relationship where you can't stop thinking about them, etc. It's when you get comfortable with that person that those feelings generally start to wane. And if you end up in a serious relationship with that person and things don't go so well, you may realize that you'll never have those "beginning of the relationship" feelings again.

Some people are addicted to those feelings, and they chase them their whole lives. It's like a drug (and I believe there actually are chemical reactions in our brains that make us feel good at the beginning of a relationship).

So, it's entirely up to you who your wife is, as a person, as to how far she's gone chasing these feelings, that she likely required when you fell off the wagon.

It's possible that all she needed was reassurance that she was desirable, and took it no further than that. Cast the line out, see what she gets, then cut the line. It's still a form of cheating, but it's certainly not as bad as full-on affairs or physical relationships.

Cheating of any kind is not okay, we all know that. But humans are a weak species, and if we are not receiving what we are supposed to from our partners, it's easy to be led astray, ESPECIALLY in this day and age. It's how far we go with those things that defines who we are. If she is/was not feeling desirable from her partner, it's not insane for her to go out and make sure she is still desirable to somebody, anybody. Often times, words are enough for somebody to reassure themselves of this.

It's still not okay, I'm not saying that, but...


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

Hang on...OP, you didn't cover something essential with your own using: did you go out for all-nighters? Are you in a recovery program (which ideally will change both your won thinking and sober behavior, as well as motives)? Do either or both of you work? How often do you go on dates? Did you share personal marriage info with your friends while f*cked up? While clean? At what point did you take responsibility for birth control? Have you at all? Have you sought IC or MC during all this?

how did you directly address the distance you caused? How did you directly address the distance she caused/took prior to her seeking EA's and attention on Zoosk, OKC, FB and whatsapp? Does she also use snapchat or KIK?

Also, I'm wondering how you expect her to not have an all-nighter while ghost-hunting. That's self-explanatory.

To ignore the distrust that your own using brought to this marriage would be inexcusable. It never justifies a spouse cheating, but you obviously damaged her trust with your own drug use, all-nighters and partying. Do not ignore your contribution to the state of this marriage. Whether she went beyond an EA is up in the air, too.

Your ease in calling her immature seems to be matched by the immaturity of not laying out boundaries and not getting to the core of your marital problems. You never said what was the abuse you received after kid #1, and what possessed you to have a second after her severe PPD?

When a spouse is an alcoholic or addict, using is like having an affair: it creates distrust, suspicion, steals affection and attention from the spouse, and usually causes huge financial issues. Imagine her stress while you used throughout her pregnancy (and after?), leaving her to care for one child while pregnant while you blew the family finances. THEN you got clean and put the burden of finances on her, presumably while she was raising two kids.

You're not golden here. She's certainly not either. Get IC and MC.


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

Hang on...OP, you didn't cover something essential with your own using: did you go out for all-nighters? Are you in a recovery program (which ideally will change both your thinking and behavior while sober, as well as motives)? Do either or both of you work? How often do you go on dates? Did you share personal marriage info with your friends while f*cked up? While clean? At what point did you take responsibility for birth control? Have you at all? Have you sought IC or MC during all this?

How did you directly address the distance you caused? How did you directly address the distance she caused/took prior to her seeking EA's and attention on Zoosk, OKC, FB and whatsapp? Does she also use snapchat or KIK?

Also, I'm wondering how you expect her to not have an all-nighter while ghost-hunting. That's self-explanatory. Ghost-hunting is particularly ineffective during daylight.

To ignore the distrust that your own using brought to this marriage would be inexcusable. It never justifies a spouse cheating, but you obviously damaged her trust with your own drug use, all-nighters and partying. Do not ignore your contribution to the state of this marriage. Whether she went beyond an EA is up in the air, too.

Your ease in calling her immature seems to be matched by the immaturity of not laying out boundaries and not getting to the core of your marital problems. You never said what was the abuse you received after kid #1, and what possessed you to have a second after her severe PPD?

When a spouse is an alcoholic or addict, using is like having an affair: it creates distrust, suspicion, steals affection and attention from the spouse, and usually causes huge financial issues. Imagine her stress while you used throughout her pregnancy (and after?), leaving her to care for one child while pregnant while you blew the family finances. THEN you got clean and put the burden of finances on her, presumably while she was raising two kids.

You're not golden here. She's certainly not either. Get IC and MC.


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## betrayedifeel (Oct 22, 2013)

nope, no all-nighters for me. im fairly introvert, dont enjoy pubs/clubs. i know many people but consider very few as friends. both my wife and I worked until the children came and then i became the only earner. i rarely divulge any info regarding my marriage, would certainly never mention weakness' to anyone. as for birth control, id always felt secure that my wife took the pill regular and felt no need to use condoms, trusted her completely.

yeah, the ghosthunts seem genuine, ive seen pics, however one of the friends she went along with is far from trustworthy and this didnt help my thinking. she asked me to sort her buggy computer a few times, asked me to backup her photos etc and what i saw and discovered was disgraceful. my wife spent a LOT of time with this woman around the period of time im concerned about. i used to pick this womans child up from school when i collected mine, dropped him off home, shed always be cagey, in a nightgown, opening the door just a crack, i knew she had a man in there whilst her husband was at work. id seen the pics & conversations like i said. id say she cheated many many times with a lot of men. doesnt mean my wife has too, i know that, but adds an element of uncertainty id say. i read messages between them both when i got the facebook password and it didnt make good reading. portions of these messages were deleted for sure. what was said? 

as for drug use, when i met my wife, i told her all. my shady past, drug issues etc, no secrets. im fairly well known around my town, not all bad either, but a past sticks with you even when you turn a new leaf. told her from day one that pot was my thing and not to ask me to stop. to be fair, she never has, knows i function better with pot in my life. even now makes provision to budget a small amount into our 'shop'. i like a smoke as much as another guy might like a beer. i rarely drink, just enjoy a toke on an evening /shrug. as a teen i went mad for 'raves' popped E's, speed and LSD. to be frank, my childhood less than desirable, it felt good to rebel and get wasted to feel happier. my family didnt have much money growing up and since i left school i stole to fund the drugs. got caught up with in the end, jailed. twice. taught me an immense lesson and i havent offended like that since. i met my wife 7-8 months after last released. i told her all like i said, she was under no illusion. it was an alien life to her, one she couldnt comprehend fully without experiencing it. much like anyone else i guess.

my immature approach to boundaries was naive for sure. internet was new for us and wasnt there when we met. if it had been, maybe i wouldnt have chose her for a partner, who knows. through all the fb messages i read i learnt a lot about people, and most was bad. i dont control my wife and have no wish to, we have quite different interests and i respect that. before i met her i had 2 steady girlfriends only, 1 lasted 2-3 months at most, the other 1.5yrs. they both treated me poorly and put me off for years. i had 1 night stands only after that. i might have known the girls a while and ended up sleeping with them but didnt feel to commit any further after sex, probably through fear of being vulnerable again. im not a 'slag' or 'cheat' and i respect my marriage vows, have never strayed, past or present.

as for the post natal depression. its hard to be around, watching your baby not recieve the full attention it requires, the tears, the tantrums. i had things thrown at me, accused of cheating regularly allsorts, hard to remember all but i put it behind me really, it was long ago and she recovered within a year id say. the emotional coldness was the most upsetting, and it seems many on this forum say that this pushes partners to stray, well not me, im not that needy tbh. my hands serves me well in times of drought lmao. sorry, too much info but hey.

lastly, i didnt blow the family finances, i was working full time, had a sideline too, the addiction just got outta control and i kept my debt with my supplier and didnt let it interfere with my home finances until i had to repay ofc. a small sum really, just over £1000 it was just the menace that came with it, dealers sending heavies to collect. i had to come clean. i didnt put the financial burden on her either, my wife suggested i hand over my card, i snapped it on the spot and let her take control of the situation. its been 10yrs since but i have no real say in how our money is spent now. my wife does a good job of juggling it all but i have no personal cash to surprise her, treat her, etc. and her suspicion is still there.

to be honest, i dont really think i did too much wrong. a small slip, and i was not inattentive during this period, coke doesnt turn people into the maniacs some believe but it does hook you fast. i didnt really enjoy it that much but i had to have it


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## betrayedifeel (Oct 22, 2013)

nope, no all-nighters for me. im fairly introvert, dont enjoy pubs/clubs. i know many people but consider very few as friends. both my wife and I worked until the children came and then i became the only earner. i rarely divulge any info regarding my marriage, would certainly never mention weakness' to anyone. as for birth control, id always felt secure that my wife took the pill regular and felt no need to use condoms, trusted her completely.

yeah, the ghosthunts seem genuine, ive seen pics, however one of the friends she went along with is far from trustworthy and this didnt help my thinking. she asked me to sort her buggy computer a few times, asked me to backup her photos etc and what i saw and discovered was disgraceful. my wife spent a LOT of time with this woman around the period of time im concerned about. i used to pick this womans child up from school when i collected mine, dropped him off home, shed always be cagey, in a nightgown, opening the door just a crack, i knew she had a man in there whilst her husband was at work. id seen the pics & conversations like i said. id say she cheated many many times with a lot of men. doesnt mean my wife has too, i know that, but adds an element of uncertainty id say. i read messages between them both when i got the facebook password and it didnt make good reading. portions of these messages were deleted for sure. what was said? 

as for drug use, when i met my wife, i told her all. my shady past, drug issues etc, no secrets. im fairly well known around my town, not all bad either, but a past sticks with you even when you turn a new leaf. told her from day one that pot was my thing and not to ask me to stop. to be fair, she never has, knows i function better with pot in my life. even now makes provision to budget a small amount into our 'shop'. i like a smoke as much as another guy might like a beer. i rarely drink, just enjoy a toke on an evening /shrug. as a teen i went mad for 'raves' popped E's, speed and LSD. to be frank, my childhood less than desirable, it felt good to rebel and get wasted to feel happier. my family didnt have much money growing up and since i left school i stole to fund the drugs. got caught up with in the end, jailed. twice. taught me an immense lesson and i havent offended like that since. i met my wife 7-8 months after last released. i told her all like i said, she was under no illusion. it was an alien life to her, one she couldnt comprehend fully without experiencing it. much like anyone else i guess.

my immature approach to boundaries was naive for sure. internet was new for us and wasnt there when we met. if it had been, maybe i wouldnt have chose her for a partner, who knows. through all the fb messages i read i learnt a lot about people, and most was bad. i dont control my wife and have no wish to, we have quite different interests and i respect that. before i met her i had 2 steady girlfriends only, 1 lasted 2-3 months at most, the other 1.5yrs. they both treated me poorly and put me off for years. i had 1 night stands only after that. i might have known the girls a while and ended up sleeping with them but didnt feel to commit any further after sex, probably through fear of being vulnerable again. im not a 'slag' or 'cheat' and i respect my marriage vows, have never strayed, past or present.

as for the post natal depression. its hard to be around, watching your baby not recieve the full attention it requires, the tears, the tantrums. i had things thrown at me, accused of cheating regularly allsorts, hard to remember all but i put it behind me really, it was long ago and she recovered within a year id say. the emotional coldness was the most upsetting, and it seems many on this forum say that this pushes partners to stray, well not me, im not that needy tbh. my hands serves me well in times of drought lmao. sorry, too much info but hey.

lastly, i didnt blow the family finances, i was working full time, had a sideline too, the addiction just got outta control and i kept my debt with my supplier and didnt let it interfere with my home finances until i had to repay ofc. a small sum really, just over £1000 it was just the menace that came with it, dealers sending heavies to collect. i had to come clean. i didnt put the financial burden on her either, my wife suggested i hand over my card, i snapped it on the spot and let her take control of the situation. its been 10yrs since but i have no real say in how our money is spent now. my wife does a good job of juggling it all but i have no personal cash to surprise her, treat her, etc. and her suspicion is still there.

to be honest, i dont really think i did too much wrong. a small slip, and i was not inattentive during this period, coke doesnt turn people into the maniacs some believe but it does hook you fast. i didnt really enjoy it that much but i had to have it


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

You had children at home and drug dealers were sending collectors to threaten you to pay? You might not see that as a big deal because of the amount of money, but your wife might not agree. 

There may be some underlying issues here about resentment, that perhaps she feels she can trust her friends more than you. I think some MC might be in order to get to the bottom of all this. There's a lot of history here that might be leading to the present problems.


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## betrayedifeel (Oct 22, 2013)

Starstarfish said:


> Nothing like this post, right?
> 
> 
> 
> ...




ok, first point, yes it may seem i slag her off on here but you guys are not my friends, neither do you know me. my wife was slating me to family and friends, some of which were mine too. the men she spoke to through facebook were from her past, school etc (she met at a reunion) and 1 was an ex ....

also, we had a great xmas last year while i was feeling this way, never said what i was thinking, just felt things were slipping away. needed time to get my head straight after what id learnt. wanted confirmation really about her true feelings and ofc we spoke and argued about the things id found out but our relationship seems to be back on track and i really dont want to lose her to anyone else. its still very raw tbh. i dont expect women to really understand that decieving a partner into a baby is a horrible experience for a guy to endure. you hear of girls doing it to trap a guy but cmon, we already had two...

dunno what you mean about charlie sheen but no, her friends didnt experience any 'wierd-outs', and my cranky times were never aimed at my family, it was all about other people. i just started being overly protective of my lot and had it out with a few people that were stressing me. like parents whos kids thought they could bully mine, idiots taking the piss out of my wife for her weight gain etc. you must understand that at this point my psychosis was strong. i thought people were watching me through the walls with infra-red, had bugged my house, were reporting my movements, could read my mind. i smashed my phone and stereo because i felt monitored through them. i can laugh it off a little now but it was intense at the time. im still not always free of these thoughts but they are less severe now.

to be fair to me, i knew my wife wanted another try for children, we'd love a daughter but have been blessed with boys only so far. so i got her pregnant and then found out these indiscretions after she fell. what could i do? force an abortion? im really not that heartless.

and finally, yes, my wife goes out with friends more than myself, i have crap family/friends who dont help so i babysit mostly so she can enjoy herself. she works hard to keep things going in the house so when she gets a chance i let her go, happily. id love to do more with her but our interests are opposite so we struggle to find something that suits us both, weve tried to accomodate this issue in the past, tried different things out, it just feels a let down for the one not into where we go. also money is tight these days, ive been signed off for 2-3 years after finally seeking help from mental health pro's.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> what could i do? force an abortion?


No, but if #3 was a surprise, how is #4 another surprise? 



> ive been signed off for 2-3 years after finally seeking help from mental health pro's.


What does that mean, is that about employment?


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## betrayedifeel (Oct 22, 2013)

we planned #4, i soul searched the whole year beforehand and made the decision to put all my effort in to make us happier. my wife has always wanted more children, i knew. its just #3 was discussed beforehand and because i was feeling quite unstable at the time i repeatedly said "now is not the time, i cant cope mentally and we dont seem to be getting on". despite that she stopped taking her pill. i did get suspicious after these chats and thats what made me sleep with her twice only that year like, i said, if im honest. it was more that than our stale realtionship. i dont really have doubts regarding #3's father, its me, his birthday is precisely 9 months after my wifes birthday (the night i thought "id better make and effort here, know ive been cold". she even went as far a to make me watch while she took her pill, stuck her tongue out afterwards to make me look. she pulled that trick many nights. yet years later i come to discover it was all for show, she hadnt been taking it for a year.

when i read her facebook messages i discovered that most of the people she spoke with knew of this deception, even the ex. most said "good on you lol" and very few said "omg". i understand that maybe no-one wanted to say anything to me about it but it still hurts to think that nobody felt they could or should. a few of these people were good friends of ours, id have thought someone would have said something  its blown my trust for people, i hang-out only with my brother now, i now consider those others to be my wifes friends, not mine, and im pretty much alone on this estate now. its tight knit here and thanks to facebook etc it seems everybody knows everyone elses business and gossips relentlessly. my wife says she didnt delete any messages from fb but i dont think thats true yet on average most of her friends and her shared 2000 plus messages each that i had to sift through. it took weeks and drove me to despair. i know far too much about them now and have come to realise that most of my wifes closer friends are a bunch of deceitful slags and cant help but feel my wife may have done this to me also, hence why i came here to speak. its the first time ive ever posted anything online and want... hell no.. i NEED these opinions from you guys.

hope that fills a few blanks. and yes, i have been signed off from work for the past 3yrs lets say. child #3 really messed with my head, like i suspected it might when my wife broached the subject of trying for him back then. life felt out of control since i found out she was pregnant and i was thinking of suicide almost constantly. i needed help so went to our mental health unit. im still in touch with them too. theyve helped me set my mind straight-er but kinda feel rock bottom again since these discoveries just before last xmas.

thanks for taking the time to chat with me tho Starstarfish, your first reply seemed ... i dunno ... harsh and defending my wife. now i feel maybe you have a clearer picture and might see things a little differently maybe. yeah i been a **** regarding the drug abuse but feel it is small in comparison with the number of 'offences' my wife has, and also may have, committed. i'll never know for sure, short of dragging her on jeremy kyle lol. will she regain my trust? how long does this take? i feel so stupid and hurt and cant see an end to that just now. it might have finished us already. i dont want to lose her and she assures me she feels the same, its just when she says it it feels hollow and empty, doesnt fill me with happiness like that statement used to


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