# Our Anniversary, I should have learned by now



## mitzi (Oct 8, 2013)

So I'm sitting here on my computer typing this on my 3 year anniversary. I was hoping my Husband would at least want to take me out for Dinner tonight. No card, no flowers and no going out to eat. He is once again out in the garage working and my heart is yet breaking into a hundred pieces. 
He comes in steering at me. I tell Him to just go out side and I will be fine. He tells me He knows I'm upset with him (really?) He comes over and gives me a hug and said all's I can say is sorry. To which I reply it's just as much my fault for thinking this year would have been any different then the last two years. On his way out the door He turns and says "that makes me feel much better!" 
I try and not say anything when He is working all day and most of the night and through the weekends. I'm feeling a lot lately lonely and empty inside. I long for Him to tell me that he needs me and wants me. Wants to make love to me. Instead again I just want to cry. I'm 45 years old and he makes it feel like we've been married forever and are in our senior years!


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

mitzi said:


> On his way out the door He turns and says "that makes me feel much better!"


You mean he was being sarcastic?

Maybe tell him that if he really wants to feel better, he already knows what he should do.

BUT, there is something you could do. This is 2013. You could take him out to an anniversary dinner instead. I know you would prefer the other way around, but if you take some initiative, it might get the ball rolling on his end!


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## mitzi (Oct 8, 2013)

Theseus said:


> You mean he was being sarcastic?
> 
> Maybe tell him that if he really wants to feel better, he already knows what he should do.
> 
> BUT, there is something you could do. This is 2013. You could take him out to an anniversary dinner instead. I know you would prefer the other way around, but if you take some initiative, it might get the ball rolling on his end!


I have no problem doing that. He won't go. Yes he was being sarcastic. When we were dating and I know this is the old cliche that things are always different when you date but some changes are ok. However with us everything came to a screeching halt!
I'm really not liking to complain or have a pity party. I'm just feeling in limbo right now.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

What is his reason for not taking you out to dinner? If he knows that you are upset over this, why doesn't he put down whatever he is doing in the garage and take you out? Have you specifically told him what you want?

One thing I have learned is that guys are pretty direct. Generally, they want to make us happy but they don't always know how to do that. If you say "Honey, I want XX on my birthday and YY on our anniversary", he will probably do it. I know we like them to guess but it's just one of those compromise things.


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## mitzi (Oct 8, 2013)

Oh no..believe me, I learned a long time ago as well to be direct with Him! I don't know if He feels He will fail others if He doesn't get work done fast and work so late. He is a very hard worker. I've tried to talk to him about needing our time together as well. He says He will work on it but it doesn't change.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

mitzi said:


> I don't know if He feels He will fail others if He doesn't get work done fast and work so late.



Remind him that a divorce would probably cost him much more than whatever he is working on tonight.


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## rush (Mar 29, 2013)

You are going to have to make a stand..


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## mitzi (Oct 8, 2013)

Good point! I know I do. Something has to give.


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## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

I would normally tell you to go out without him but he would likely be ok with that. I agree with the others that you need to make a stand.


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## mitzi (Oct 8, 2013)

Oh he would be fine with that more then likely.


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## James C (Sep 6, 2013)

Without knowing more of what is going on in your marriage ( finances, upbringing, etc..) it would be difficult to pinpoint what the problem is or offer advice. 

I do know that you should feel hurt and I'm sorry for that. If your husband knew how special/important a night out would be and there are no financial problems and still ignored you, that needs to be addressed. 

This was important to you and you need to convey that to him and ask him to explain why it's not important to him. Maybe he hates the herd mentality of doing something because everyone says you should. My wife and I are like that with Valenines Day. We make up our own holidays. 

This is something you guys need to discuss. Don't give up.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does your husband have a business? Is he doing something for a customer tonight in the garage?

Does he work 24/7 not never take a night off from work? 

Or does he just happened to have to work long on days like today?


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## mitzi (Oct 8, 2013)

Yes he has his own business and he is working on a customers vehicle. He does do this every night. I think He feels he has to keep up his image people have of him sometimes.. He's been in many magazines for his artwork and sometimes although people think that would be great, it's not so much fun on this end.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

mitzi said:


> Yes he has his own business and he is working on a customers vehicle. He does do this every night. I think He feels he has to keep up his image people have of him sometimes.. He's been in many magazines for his artwork and sometimes although people think that would be great, it's not so much fun on this end.


If you want him to join you in the marriage, you are going to have to do something to get his attention. 

You need to tell him very clearly that his ignoring you is not acceptable. That you will leave him over this because you married him to have someone to share your life with, not someone to ignore you.


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## mitzi (Oct 8, 2013)

I have tried to just let it go and then he will say "Are you not in love with me anymore? I notice you don't say you love me as much" I then tell him that I'm not happy with how our sex life is at all and he goes off doing his silent treatment and that's that. I will have to figure something out to give him a wake up call.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There are some books that I think would help you:

"His Needs, Her Needs"
"Love Busters"
"Divorce Busting"

In the "Divorce Busting" book pay special attention to the section on the 180 (not the 180 linked to below). I think that this would help you quite a bit.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What are you doing tonight while he's out there working? What time does he usually stop working?

What time does he start working every day?


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

Although I will not defend him I have been there and still am to a point. I run a part time car repair business. Mainly in the evenings and on the weekend. I used to work until my wife complained several times for me to come in. I was so busy I never had enough time and was afraid to turn business down because they might not call me next time if I put them off this time. My wife eventually drew a line and said I had to pick which side I stood on. Now I try to have things wrapped up early to spend time with her and every other weekend we go camping. I get a little less business, but I still have the love of my life. 

BTW even when I was working non stop. I would have never blown her off on our anniversary. He didn't act this way when you were dating, he needs to stop acting his way now. I would suggest counseling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mitzi (Oct 8, 2013)

Thank you for the book ideas..I will read them. 

He goes out at 7:30 am and comes in anywhere between 10pm and 11pm


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## mitzi (Oct 8, 2013)

Rayloveshiswife said:


> Although I will not defend him I have been there and still am to a point. I run a part time car repair business. Mainly in the evenings and on the weekend. I used to work until my wife complained several times for me to come in. I was so busy I never had enough time and was afraid to turn business down because they might not call me next time if I put them off this time. My wife eventually drew a line and said I had to pick which side I stood on. Now I try to have things wrapped up early to spend time with her and every other weekend we go camping. I get a little less business, but I still have the love of my life.
> 
> BTW even when I was working non stop. I would have never blown her off on our anniversary. He didn't act this way when you were dating, he needs to stop acting his way now. I would suggest counseling.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know that is what he is worried about as well. If he doesn't get out there and work to keep up, he will lose the jobs. I also know that he is worried about Winter and work not coming in. 
I get that. The one day he should have automatically figured out that he needed to make time for us..was our anniversary.


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## Ellie5 (Mar 12, 2013)

Mitzi, I hear you! been with H for 3 years (anniversary last week, he didn't bother either, I reminded him of the date).

It's like you're being taken for granted. 

Whatever you do, nip any silent treatment in the bud if that rears it's ugly head again.


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## mitzi (Oct 8, 2013)

Ellie5 said:


> Mitzi, I hear you! been with H for 3 years (anniversary last week, he didn't bother either, I reminded him of the date).
> 
> It's like you're being taken for granted.
> 
> Whatever you do, nip any silent treatment in the bud if that rears it's ugly head again.


Oh I've tried believe me. He doesn't budge. I've decided that that's the way he wants it, that's fine with me. I wont be wasting my time or money anymore!


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## rush (Mar 29, 2013)

mitzi said:


> Oh I've tried believe me. He doesn't budge. I've decided that that's the way he wants it, that's fine with me. I wont be wasting my time or money anymore!


That's really not the way to solve anything in my opinion..


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## mitzi (Oct 8, 2013)

I appreciate your opinion but nothing else is working.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ellie5 (Mar 12, 2013)

Hey Mitzi, I understand what Edbopc is saying - and totally understand your frustration at the same time - try not to allow that frustration to turn into bitterness though and a defeatist attitude - for your own sake - not his.

Before approaching him again, how about working out in your head, from a practical perspective, what a good compromise would be? a date night a week, 2 weeks or every month? Give him something concrete to work towards so there's clarity in what you're asking for. 2 hours on your lounge floor with a picnic/dinner? make it fun. Be specific with him - otherwise we always end up disappointed because our expectations aren't met. Make your expectations transparent.

I've been so fed up with my H of 3 years who hasn't seen my family for a year and never really supports me emotionally. Then today, I ran my first 8K race and told him how much I'd really appreciate it if he were there, even if just to wish me off. My jaw could have dropped when he showed up (I'd left earlier by myself). Ok he didn't stay for the run but he did manage to get himself in his car and come see me for a bit - this is the first time in a year he's done anything to show me a bit of support. I told him how important it would be for me yesterday (I'd normally ask him to support me in a very angry, imploring, frustrated way - but held back and felt myself working to stay as calm as possible).

If you love your H, don't give up - keep talking to him, but rather than wait for him to change, have an idea of what you'd like to happen, when, and then approach him as friendly as you can be.


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## rush (Mar 29, 2013)

Well its silent treatment here too


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