# Having a hard day



## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Wife and I are going through a divorce, she told me on December 12th that she wants the divorce, doesn't love me anymore, etc. We have two small children, 8 & 5. I have to stay in contact with her right now because of the children. Saturday I discovered evidence of her EA, even though she says they are just friends. Every time I talk with the kids, she gets on the phone afterwards to talk to me, ask me how my day is. This morning she asked me "why are you avoiding my calls" I can't believe that she can't even understand why I would not want to talk to her. Well hello, it's because you said you don't want me in your life. I've been pulling away from her, not texting her about her day, not telling her I miss her, etc. I try to be civil when we talk, friendly for the kids sake. She is in such a state of confusion, she has lied to herself that what she is doing is okay. she always seems to call late at night when her mind wanders. its like she wants to have both worlds. she tells me she will always hold me in her heart, all that bull****. i think now that she sees me pulling away it is scaring her. im just having a really tough day with this. in the last month i've had to deal with being told she wants a divorce, moving out (around Christmas)s, finding out that she is having an EA, then filing the petition paperwork for divorce. When does it get easier?
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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Yes SIR!!!
Its a rough one no doubt. As to when it gets easier? For me it began when I was finally moved into my own place and was faced with the "what now" moment.
For sooo long, and I hadnt realized it really, but for so long I had lived my life in servitude. Thinking I was taking care of people and doing my honorable duty, I lived sixteen years being told what was important for the day to achieve, I was given priorities from the mindset of what the ex thought were priorities, and just basically doing what I was told. Absolute "beta" actions from someone thinking they were honoring their marriage.
The process is a difficult one emotionally. rollercoaster hell for sure.
Rest assured, you are going to see her do allllll kinds of things you never expected, and most of it will be in order to prove to herself how right her decision was to cheat and divorce..
Watch out for the civility, if you give them a window to reach those claws inside and grab you she will. 
Your situation sounds like mine. She had the EA, she was discovered, she wanted a divorce to flee her shame and guilt.
In the period of 3 months I went from loving husband soulmate, to the antagonist of her lifes dreams.... 
My ex gave me the " I need you in my life" line of b.s.
Only because she saw me as a person that took care of sh!t. But that was because we were married, and now, when she gets on her "list of things to do", I dont even respond. I am no longer beholden to her.

Thats something I think you should focus on. Your life is about to shift into where its only "you" making the decisions as to what is a priority and what is not. No longer will you wake on a weekend to a list of to-do's established and enforced by the law of marriage....
I was divorced on the first of Sept. 2011. 
Since then, I found a house, got moved in, got the bare necessities in and functioning,, and pretty much when I had that moment of clarity, that this was "my" life again, I almost didnt know what to do with myself. I forgot how to live for me! 
If your soon to be ex is pulling away from you, and sensing the impending divorce, I think you are on the right track. 
It will get easier, when you too find yourself asking yourself, what do "I" want to do today??


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Well the ex said she had thought about this for a year, and then she gave me that line. Like I said the tough thing is because their are children involved, my light and joy. I worry about the decisions my wife is making because of the impact of relationship it will have on them. But that is her burden she will have to face. She always gave me the line "You are going to be stronger than me, you will make it." Well in this last 4 weeks I've had to deal with a year's worth of stuff. I'm living somewhere else. The kicker is, as I'm getting my feet underneath me, pulling away, not asking her how her day is, that's when I see her starting to gravitate towards me. She is probably surprised that I am pulling away, not chasing her, begging with her, etc.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Shooboomafoo....that gives me motivation to move forward.....good post. 

However, it is hard with a kid(s). Proudwidaddy......I've noticed some minor changes in my hubby over the last week when after the past month, I've been slowly pulling away. Maybe that's the key. Having rough days just shows you are a good human. Hang in there.....this stuff is hard.
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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

I would like to chime in re: the kid. My girl has just turned 10 within the last two weeks.

She brought her report card in from school, and had straight A's.
Amongst all this turmoil in her life, she brought home a straight "A" report card, even bringing 2 "B"s up to "A"s.

I was seriously worried about how she would handle things.
So far, after our divorce at the end of August 2011, the little one has appeared fine emotionally, has had no issues with behavior at school, and brought home a great report card.
I dont know "how" or "Why", but it serves as proof that your kid stands a good chance of being just fine too.


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