# Still can't believe I am living this....



## mtfbwme (Oct 31, 2015)

I am new here. I wish I found this site a year ago. This will be a long post - please don't anyone hold back in the comments.

Both my wife and I are in our early 40s. Both above average attractive, in shape. Been together for 18 years married for 15. One child 4 years old.

We met on the Internet back in the dial up days.

We have had our share of ups and downs mostly financially over the years with a few moves we made with the best intentions not working out the way we expected. Closing my firm, joining another trying make it in the world. We walked away from a house, causing credit issues etc. She stopped working in her field to help me and then never went back. Miscarriage you name it.

Last July I noticed a change. The phone I used to have full and free access to was now on lockdown. When I questioned she made comments about her privacy, that she is allowed to have her own conversations. It just didn't feel right.

I discovered she was using Facebook as not a place to keep in contact with relatives and girlfriends but a place to reconnect with old flames. The first one turned out to be a relationship from over 20 years ago on the other side of the state. I just kept witnessing the escalation with her head constantly in her phone. Locked all the time and excuse after excuse.

Seemed like she was always messaging etc. If I made any comment about any of it it was just thrown in my face. She would sit in the car in the back seat with our son just texting away as I was the taxi driver. Our son was no longer the focus.

What also changed? Out of the blue I started receiving erotic pics that I never thought she would be capable of. It was nice, but threw up more red flags.

In September 14 it came to a head when she finally came clean that she was having feelings (EA) with the person and that he was friends one night when she was mad at me. But she was ending the conversations because it wasn't right. She also admitted to sending pictures to this other person.

A few weeks later, we are about to watch a show streamed through the laptop. I am setting up the show and her email is up for the world to see and I see an email asking to reset a Kik password. I had no idea what that was. Did some quick research and discovered t was a messaging app.

Confronted her and she admitted she was talking to another guy she met on FB through that app. This one several states away. Much more to it but she also admitted to sending pics.

Some remorse an apology but she kept up with the phone routine. Always locked, always on it in the car, spending way to long in bathroom.

The more I made an issue the more she retreated into that world.

In December I start hearing about another person, also from high school. Lost soul, has a record, single. Same routine always on phone, always locked. I also lost my job and was trying to start fresh so my focus was fully on how in was going to pay the bills.

During this time I find out that someone local is hitting on her. She is eating it up and is openly flirting with the person in front of me making both of us very uncomfortable. I find out later he messaged her inappropriately and she said she was having fun messing with him in person. 

On Christmas night my son is playing and having a hard time falling asleep I am with him. She is in the bathroom the whole time. At one point she goes into his room and I went to use bathroom. Her phone was in bathroom on charger and it's open to an active chat. Ooops.

I don't even have to go far, I see enough. Pictures comments. Even talking about the local guy who wants her. I lose my **** on the spot.

She's caught....this is the December person from high school also on other side of state with the shady past. She retreats and continues to text him as I keep losing my mind.

The comments fly about how it was nothing, just pics, flirting. Nothing would ever happen etc.

Weeks follow I see the same patterns with the phome but the more I push the more it gets thrown in my face.

In Feb.2015 we decide to take a trip to the other side of the state for my sononon's birthday. She plans her first girls night out in a long time. Not her norm. Claims no more conversations with December guy even up until the day before the trip. I believed her and I wasn't thinking anything of it guess I should have. Friday she was supposed to meet up with girlfriend to help with wedding plans and then go out. I stayed at in laws to watch our son.

She's gone from 530pm to about 12. We are in contact at times, I have no reason to think anything is off. As she is pulling into driveway I scroll through my FB feed and see she is tagged in a post by one of the girls she was out with. The girl was basically calling her out for using them as an excuse for cheating on her husband. Wow. Literally as she is pulling into driveway. 

Sons bday next day and she spends most of it in FB war with people from post saying she is trying to salvage her rep etc. I confront her since i learn that the Christmas guy was at one of the bars. She said she didn't want to tell me he was there cause she thought I would be mad etc. 

At one point I message the FB girl who posted and she proceeds to tell me a lot. I confront my wife, she calls me with the Christmas guy and of course they deny everything.

On Sunday she claims she has to meet up with Christmas guy to sort through all the ****. All the FB drama since he was "dragged" into it. Said exactly where she would be, restaurant etc. At that point I knew what was up, i just couldn't believe it as she kept insisting nothing was going on. I wasn't on my turf as i was at in laws house and in hindsight i should have done something on the spot. She came back after a couple hours, said things were sorted out and had birthday cake.

We returned home and things just seemed. Off. Same routine with phone. 15th Anniversary passed barely recognized it. It was just eating away at me.

Then Dday. End of April. I was in bathroom with son. Laptop is in bathroom, she wasn't feeling well earlier in day and obviously forgot to shut it down. I hit power and her Facebook page was up. I hadn't seen that in months. She used to show me everything in it.

I didn't have to look at all, right in front of my face an open chat to someone else about having sex with this guy before and after sons bday etc. Proof right there. I didn't flip out. I called a buddy, who talked me down and I sat on it for 4 days.

In that time I started the 180. On the 4th day she started being very nasty and kept making comments about wanting to or she would be needing to have a few drinks and (she's not a drinker)

Ok the night of the 4th day she is liqoured up and right about the time she is about to confess - I say I know everything. She then starts the game to see what I am talking about. I just spell it out.

She says she's confused, wants time, still wants us. Admits to everything BUT now that it is out in the open wants to keep it going. Wants me to have an affair too.

Blames the affair on resentments in life choices money wise, her finding porn on computers (even when we used to watch together) - these are her words. I know it was her choice and those were excuses.

Says it happens, people grow from it etc. I couldn't belive what I was hearing.

I kept the 180 going. This is where it really gets f'd up. In May the guy comes over to our town, she stays with him one night.

I go off an take trips on my own to see friends. She takes one more trip to other coast and sees him a few times during that trip claims she ended it and to add to it on the way back from that trip it came to head again when one of my friends called her out on whatbshe wad doing and ruining her family. This was in August. Seemed like it woke her up.

The 180 continued, she became more attentive claiming no more contact, blocked numbers but still won't let me see phone. Eventually I know she's lying because I am able to see on memory cards from her phone screen shots of conversations dating to times she claimed the A was off and more pictures.

Finally in September the A really seemed to be off. We were connecting again, taking trips just clicking. Then after a trip I again stumble on a conversation when our memory cards are switched that shows there was some intention to meet in October. Of course it seemed we were in a good spot and that encounter never happened but it was discussed.

These days she is still on phone, but is conscious of it and always seems to try and tell me who she is talking to and make me think she is trying.

We take another trip this past weekend. I see that she is texting someone and she makes it a point to tell me he figured out she was in town from her FB posts and was bothering her. She makes it like she is done and to stop bothering her that she loves her family, worst mistake etc. She was with me whole time. No way could she have seen him.

On Tuesday this week I go upstairs early AM to get something and see her phone is lit up. I go over and see a screens shot of a message TO HIM sent hours ago. There was a picture quote about seeing a person in dreams and then a message that said we had a good run I guess I cared more, don't forget me. Followed by two brand new naked pics. 

Followed by, another message to him saying your silence tells me everything. I didn't see any response from him.

Later on in the day she reinstalled what's app on her phone, saying her sister needs to contact her. Yes that is one way she used to contact him.

So after two months of hearing HE is the one trying to get back into things with her I see this.

I know this message was recent because it was her new profile picture taken a few days earlier.

I haven't said a thing. Tomorrow is Halloween, I faked it through the week and my son's event at school today. its eating me up.

I just want to have it out with her once and for all that this is not acceptable. Back when it was going on she kept saying there is no future, with him but kept it up. The person is not local so it takes a lot to arrange a meeting. Practically, the person lives with brother, no steady job just not the kind of person you abandon your very comfortable lifestyle for.

But there is no working on us when the communication continues. Ironically she sent me numerous picturr texts of outfits she picked up during the day on monday. I realized he got the naked ones.

Again - I haven't said a word. I came here because I am tired of talking to my friends about this. One has already kind of shut me out, guess doesn't want my luck to rub off.

I understandably reacted a bit when I saw it that morning and was a little short with her but didn't indicate anything. I think shes clueless I know.

She's been back in phone all week, saying here and there who she is talking to but several times I have walked up and she closes out the chat. I would just rip the phone out of her hand but I don't want to do it with my son there.

Financially kicking her out doesn't work. I have started another mini 180, but I am just not sure how far to go

Ultimatums don't work with her, just push her away.

And there is an outside chance he never responded. But I doubt it, I mean what guy wouldn't respond after seeing more hot pics. 

I can't believe I just wrote all that let alone am living it. There are so many other things I left out.

If you made it this far thanks....


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

She's a serial cheater. To be honest, there is nothing to save. The only reason she has stayed is because none of these guys wants her for more than a few bangs. 

I would file D, do a total 180, and work on improving yourself. You can co-parent. I would bet after detoxing from her and officially completing the D, that you will find better woman that will be true to you.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

First, welcome to TAM.

Second, how much will you allow to happen before you pull the plug? 

I am going to say to you what that friend who is avoiding you likely wants to say:

Wake up and walk away.

Your wife is a serial cheater. 

Get finances in order and separate, consult an attorney, file, and do the 180.

Do you really want to remain married to her?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Well, I am known for wanting people to reconcile.

But in your case I don't know if your wife is capable of reconciliation.

She is a serial cheat.

Start a divorce action.

It might wake her up but it might not, so be prepared for her to get really nasty.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

The worst thing you can do (besides begging and crying) is watching it happen while doing nothing but giving ultimatums.

Are you ready to take the actions necessary to save or end this?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ivory (Oct 23, 2015)

*that's no 180*

How do you know that ultimatums don't work when you haven't tried it yet. Do you have a choice? 

Not an ultimatum, but a kick her out of your life, give her a "significant emotional event" to chew on and see if that prompts her to re-make herself. 

That old saying that you don't know what you have til it's gone... let her get a taste of that. And if she doesn't miss you enough to have a spiritual awakening, well there you have it. 

File the papers old man, and probably go through with it. End result could be best relationship ever if you were to reunite. 

If you do get single, I gotta tell you... bachelorhood is WONDERFUL! You'll have the time of your life and never want her back. Try it out. you'll love it!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Holy crap.

Your wife is never going to stop cheating.

Back up any evidence that you have (if you've not already done so, take screenshots of her FB chats and use FB's "download" feature as well) and file for divorce.

Oh, and you should probably also DNA your kid(s).


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Sadly your wife has not experienced sufficient mental development to cause her to be able to rationalize and make reasonable choices. She is too immature for an adult relationship. If you decide to stay in the marriage you will have to assume the role of disciplinarian along with everything else. You will have to demand, backed up with punishment, certain behavioral changes from her. They are referred to as boundaries here quite often but the truth is that you will have to "force" her to behave as you would a child. Your most significant "punishment" is D and the loss of her family as a consequence but if she is not even intelligent enough to fear that then you really have no leverage with which to coerce proper behavior.

So then, if you are willing to, in essence, be married to the equivalent of a teenage girl then you must begin to set rules and enforce them. If not then you have little choice but to D, move on and hopefully find a mature woman with whom to live out your life. I regret your having to come here and wish you good fortune and strength.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Oh my, this one is bad.

The woman is a walking jumble of self absorbed dysfunction. Whatever it is she's addicted to; attention, drama, narcissism; she lives only for that. She'd stick an IV of it in her arm, lie down and never get up again if she could.

Get a lawyer, document everything, and tread carefully. Maybe you even ask the lawyer if you should allow her to drift on to some other guy so she'll be more willing to get out without a fight. You are going to take a financial and emotional beating, but it looks impossible to avoid.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Sorry you are here my friend.

I have to ask you,why did you allow this??? You knew about her cheating for a long time and you didnt say anything or do anything.

If I was in your position she would be out of the house the second I found about sending nude pictures to other guys. I cant even think what I would do if she had sex with them and then come back to me.

At one point she told you she want to continue doing this and asked you to have an Affair too.

Your wife does not love you or respect you at all.

Please my friend file for Divorce and be happy


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

She's a lying cheater and you are a weak doormat. 

This is a perfect scenario for her. She can do whatever she wants. How's that working out for you???

This is and will be your life unless you can grow a pair and get a backbone. 

No one can help you here. Yep she's a cheater but your problem now is you. This marriage if you can call it that is well over and unsalvageable. 

Divorce her and move on. You can't fix this now. What's more if you can't figure out how to man up your life will be like this forever. 

Start fixing yourself for your next life after this. Reading No More Mr Nice Guy would be a good start.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Your friends don't want to talk about because you folded your man card. NO man puts up with this kind of humiliation. I would live in a box before I lived with a woman like you have. Only God knows what she's done you don't know about.

See a lawyer, cancel joint credit cards.

At bare minimum tell her to unblock phones or get out.

Do not leave, make her sleep on the couch.

See a lawyer

See a lawyer

Tell her family what she's doing.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Are you for real?

You have been doing the 180?

I don't see the 180 at all because she has continued to cheat and you just keep allowing it when she is allowed to keep her chats. 

She doesn't need FB. She keeps it because that's her breeding ground to find her jollies and plan escapades. Why would she even have a phone at this point? She uses it to disrespect the marital home. 

You can't stop her. You will either keep a blind eye to being cheated on or set her free so you are no longer a witness to her infidelities. 

See a therapist. This professional will explain a true 180 to you.

Bibi


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

If the roles were reversed would she be acting like you? Apparently she has no problem
putting your health at risk for STD's behind your back. She continuously shows you that she has
absolutely no respect for you or your marriage. What are you afraid of?

1. Get tested for STD's.
2. Get a good attorney.

If you do not respect yourself then who will?


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Once again I'll say this. YOUR FAULT! You should have nipped this in the bud as soon as you found out and swung the hammer hard and heavy so she knew you were serious.

But your mistake was turning a blind eye and a deaf ear to to hoping it would go away on it's own and now you realize that your method doesn't work and why. You gave an inch and she took a mile, then you gave her another inch and she took 5 miles and it isn't going to stop.

Your only solution right now is to file for divorce, hand her the paperwork and be done with her. She lost all respect for you and that's the reason why your friends have washed their hands in it too. They probably gave you good advice and you just blew it off and now they don't want to here it.

It's time you reclaim your dignity and self respect and send the woman packing. She has no intentions of changing and why should she. She knows she can get away with it with no consequences except maybe a cold shoulder which doesn't mean a hill of beans to her so for once do the right thing and move on.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

mtfbwme said:


> I am new here. I wish I found this site a year ago. This will be a long post - please don't anyone hold back in the comments.
> 
> Both my wife and I are in our early 40s. Both above average attractive, in shape. Been together for 18 years married for 15. One child 4 years old.
> 
> ...


In three years on TAM/CWI, I believe I've only said this to one other OP: you, sir, chose to let her wipe her feet on you and thus are only getting what you deserve.

Either stop being a doormat or else stop complaining about your serial cheater wife.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

the ONLY way you can save your marriage is by filing for divorce and letting her see what her life will look like without your money, without her kid, without her friends and family.

But first, call her parents up RIGHT NOW. Call her siblings. Call her best friend. Tell all of them that she is cheating with several men and you need their help to wake her up and let her know they will NOT accept what she's doing. Tell them that all you're asking for is for her to stop contacting other men. Tell them that if she stops contacting them, and you two at least TRY to talk about the marriage without the addictive influence of the affair addiction, and she still wants to divorce, you're fine with doing that, but to just go straight to divorce when she's feeding off of the addiction of the other men is not fair to your family unit. Explain to them how affairs work, the PEA chemicals (lust), the 'high' she's getting from the attention, and how addictive it is. 

Sit back and let her get mad at you for telling them. That means it's working.

If she still won't stop, file in a couple of weeks and go for full custody and all the money. Of course you won't get that, but she needs a wakeup call to see what she COULD lose.


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

You are in luck, actually - she's showed you her true colors!! She's hopped up on validation (a very powerful drug). 

You are acting (doing nothing is an act) out of fear. You don't want to mix the pot as she will walk. Let her. Let these other men have your cheating wife. They can take care of her silly crap (they won't). She's getting all of her tingles with other dudes and you're the bill payer who's crying over her (empowering her further).

She will try to keep you on the leash and friend-zone you while she "decides." This is a fool's game, hoss.

Take it from me and everyone else who has seen this exact thing play out a million or more times here at TAM. 

Take care of yourself and your kid. If you do the 180, do it. Not half-azzd. 

HL


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

Kudos for posting your story. Beyond that ...................... RUN!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Bad behavior continues with out consequences!

Why should your old lady stop this crap when her marriage is not in danger? You are not going any were....you need to change that.

This this does not have to be about her stopping....it is about what you want out of a relationship. Wish her the best, ask her to leave, and face the up and coming hardships that will be infront of you.

At the end of the day ,she will also have to face the same hardships......it is time you make her face her new reality.....so just let her go.

Pushing her away just might save your marriage once she gets a taste of her new reality once you completely remove her from you and your son life.

You can not nice your way through this so stop playing fair....her disrespect doesn't diserve fair...have her served with a divorce, one can always withdraw the filing.

Again it sounds like she has your number....you ain't going anywhere, so why should she stop all her bull shyt.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

You seem to think that she is a normal, considerate person, who just accidentally got her dial switched to the 'cheater' setting, and that if you're patient enough, it will switch back.

That's not how it works. She's a lying selfish manipulator who does not value your feelings. She is in full control of that switch, and likes the setting it's currently on.

She's not having trouble deciding what to do and will come around if you pressure her enough. She's quite happy with the situation she's got and wishes you would stop bugging her about it.

Even if she suddenly came around, admitted she was wrong, apologized for her actions and never had contact with those men again, how would your marriage look in that future? You'd always be wondering when the switch would flip back to 'cheater.'


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

Why oh why are you still married to her ?

Please get a lawyer and have her served

She has no respect for you

She is just using you to have a home

She is having sex with another guy/s

She is trash plain and simple and she knows you are always there and is happy for you to have your little 
tantrum now and then, she then waits a month then gets back on the horse


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

I feel like I just watched the opening scene of the "Shipping News".

Please man, get her out of your life and child's if possible or limited til she settles down, if she ever settles down.

The woman you knew is gone.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

You have one move left here.....expose her A's to both your families and file for D.

I'm sure your friends have probably been telling you this for awhile....but you have done nothing.

That is why they are not interested in rehashing what has already been said.....what is the point of repeating advice if it is never followed?

Her own friends have done a better job of calling her out on her sh*tty cheating behavior than you have.....THEY can't D her though.

You have suffered through a year of self-inflicted wounds and pain here.

If you want it to stop...TAKE ACTION.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Why the fvck would you want to save this marriage?

Why the fvck would you want to stay married to a disgusting woman like her?

Do you have no self respect?

And please don't tell us you were doing it because of your kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

Dyokemm said:


> You have one move left here.....expose her A's to both your families and file for D.
> 
> I'm sure your friends have probably been telling you this for awhile....but you have done nothing.
> 
> ...


Agreed! And for all the OP knows, she's told their friends and her family that YOU have been cheating and she can't help but rely on "old friends" for emotional support.


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## mtfbwme (Oct 31, 2015)

Thank you to everyone who took the time to read through the post and take the time to respond. I appreciate the advice and words both kind and candid.

18 years. 

That is the simple answer to the how could you do this or let this happen or why did you or WTF were you thinking questions.

18 years. 

The change in behavior was so fast, so extreme and so out of the blue - I thought it could be fixed and unfortunately I made some moves prior to doing any research.

But I never begged, cried or openly acted like a doormat. I reread my post and can totally understand how I came across. In fact it was the exact oppostie. 

When she was caught and she felt that she could keep it going now that it was in the open and she wasn't lying - I didn't just sit there and let it happen. 

I said OK that's your choice. I am no longer an option. Have a nice life, good luck and started focusing on myself and my son. I set up a schedule for when we would have him and we were basically separated in the same house. That lasted the summer. I made trips, she made one.

She even said many times, you seem so happy and at peace - it was killing her so she played me right back.

It was like clockwork.

And each time I detached, she circled right back to me. I was stupid to think she wouldn't circle away as the fog was still fresh. I should have kept it going all the time instead letting her back in from time to time. Despite all the BS I thought she woke up in August at the end of the summer - especially after one of my buddies shook her up. Big family changes started after the summer (son now in school) etc and it seemed she reinvested.

I am not going to try and defend my actions - I thought I was doing the right thing at the time. For every post or article about running for the hills and filing, I found another one that gave me hope.

Did I welcome this? - no fning way. I do this for a living too. Probably makes it even worse from all angles.

I know what is best, and the last few years have not been easy. Now add all this to the mix - I have a hard time wrapping my head around what is to come.

So yeah if I though we could be one of those "success" stories, I was willing to explore it.

Doubt this changes any opinions, but I appreciate the forum to vent and receive comments from others who have been through the same.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

When you did the "180", but didn't file for divorce and didn't make her leave, she saw that you were just going to take being a cuckold. She loved it; still does. You didn't bother her, you just enabled her. 
You'll be very lucky if you don't have any std's. 

I know for a fact how painful it is. It happened to me. But when I found out, I confronted, then gave her the opportunity to stop. 4 days later I found out it was still going on. I told her to leave, which is what she wanted anyway. We are divorced. 

Guess what? I'm still alive. I am getting happier every day. I date a beautiful physician that speaks three languages and tells me she lives me at least 5 times a day. She will NOT send any sexy pics, is a straight shooter..... 

Your life will not be over when you leave this despicable person. You will be crushed for a long time, but you will get over it and you absolutely WILL feel better. You will be glad you had enough self respect to finally end it.

Don't try to fix anything. Just divorce. She is NOT marriage material. The other guys know it. She was just a free ****, which is why at least one dumped her nasty butt.

Don't be afraid. Do what you know is right. Your arguements to the good advice you've been given is ridiculous. When you find out your wife is a cheater, you DO something. You don't hang around and pout or ignore. You can do this! Divorce and be happy. Or, continue to be miserable. Or, learn to like seeing your wife f other men. It's all up to you. I am certain this stuff will never stop.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

Evinrude58 said:


> When you did the "180", but didn't file for divorce and didn't make her leave, she saw that you were just going to take being a cuckold. She loved it; still does. You didn't bother her, you just enabled her.
> You'll be very lucky if you don't have any std's.
> 
> I know for a fact how painful it is. It happened to me. But when I found out, I confronted, then gave her the opportunity to stop. 4 days later I found out it was still going on. I told her to leave, which is what she wanted anyway. We are divorced.
> ...


If he plays the **** game that's one thing - but the lying, and repeated lying from her. Can't work with that crap, bad thing to teach the kids too.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Mftbwme

All you did was allow your wife to have an affair, an open marriage.

The 180 is for you to get strong. To get your head in the right place that you know you will be just fine and happy without the cheating spouse.

Your wife is playing you.

Here is what you should be showing her:
A. Splitting of money in separate accounts.
B. Divorce papers put in her hands. She needs to feel them. She needs to see them.
C. The results of your STD test on the kitchen table.

D. And you sitting across from her at the kitchen table clearly saying " I would like to do this split amicably so sit down and let's talk about it".

Does her family know about her affair/s?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

mtfbwme said:


> I am new here. I wish I found this site a year ago. This will be a long post - please don't anyone hold back in the comments.
> 
> Both my wife and I are in our early 40s. Both above average attractive, in shape. Been together for 18 years married for 15. One child 4 years old.
> 
> ...


You say above that your WW is clueless, I am afraid you are the clueless one, how much rubbing your face in it will you take before you kick her out? She is walking all over you, being brazen about it too, leaving electronic stuff open and for you to find, do you think if she wanted to hide it she wouldn't know how to, she is seeing how much you will take and she is cake eating big time and you have let her away with it! 
Doing the 180 is pointless as you haven't done anything else. There is a reason for blowing her activities out of the water, telling both families, friends, etc, shaming the s*** out of her because she needs a grand wake up call.
You should have told her from day one, if she wants to play the field to go right ahead but you would not be with her any longer! 
Get a lawyer now, man up and tell her if she don't know how to respect you, you are very capable of finding someone else who will. She does not respect you at all, this is painful to read tbh and I am a woman. Please stop letting her lead you by the nose, grow a pair for goodness sake and kick her out. She has to do all the work to get the marriage back (that's if you want her back, I don't think she is worthy of you or your son), nothing more, nothing less and your son stays with you.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

OP,

So do you think what you have done has been effective in stopping her cheating and trying to save the M?

I think most posters here would say, based on your post, that it has not......I hope you would agree with that.

So if your actions failed to stop her cheating, what do you plan to do now?

Posters here, myself included, have advised that at this point the only really useful move you have left is total exposure of the A's to both your families and filing for D....either she stops the cheating and truly begins to work with you to save the M, or she loses her M and family.

It really is that simple....and do not keep getting sucked back in.

Happyman is right....the 180 is for emotionally detaching to follow through on the above....not to refocus your WW's attention back on you for a short while til she feels you are safely back in the M.

She has to be terrified she is losing her M and life as she knows it.....begging for you to give her another chance and willing to take any necessary step to save the M......for you to even CONSIDER ending the D process.

18 years may be a reason to try to save a M initially (many would agree with that), but it is zero excuse for staying in a M with a person who simply refuses to stop cheating.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

18 years = sunk costs fallacy.

The more people have invested in something (time, money, etc) the more they want to hold onto it no matter how bad it turns out to be.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

I think you can agree what you have tried hasn't worked. This has gone on long enough that it's become the new "normal" state of your marriage. 

What is your plan going forward?

Your claim ultimatums don't work, we'll you haven't followed thru with any ultimatum so they aren't really ultimatums. You say financially you can't afford divorce well nobody can afford it. 

You obviously don't want to live long term in the current situation so the dynamic needs to change, she is unwilling to change as she appears content with the status quo.


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## leon1 (Sep 3, 2014)

You really need to kick her cheating ass out or at least get her to move out .If you dont do anything nothing will change .


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

You are thinking about 18 years!!! What about her???

She is having AFFAIRS in front of your eyes. What would your son think about it when he grows up ?

Belive your "friends" as you call them know about her and guys. 

Divorce her. What are you waiting for ccc


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

File and run for the hills.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

I have started a mini 180. Really?

You are now paying the price for your rugweeping and beta attitude all these years.

Actions speak louder than words.

Only you filing for Divorce, cutting her out financially, and putting her arse on the street will teach this ***** a lesson.

For what its worth sorry you are going through this but your woman has no respect for you and you should have more respect for yourself.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You still love her, don't you?

Well, no. You don't love her.

You love the person she was, or the person she pretended to be.

But that person doesn't exist, really. At least, not any more.

Divorce the person she is, not the person she pretended to be.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

mtfbwme said:


> Thank you to everyone who took the time to read through the post and take the time to respond. I appreciate the advice and words both kind and candid.
> 
> 18 years.
> 
> ...


Sorry, mtfbwme, but you are in serious denial. You now claim that things happened so fast that you were caught off guard. You also say that you were the _"exact oppostie (sic)"_ of a doormat. But here's what you told us in your first post:

- in July 2014, your WW puts her phone _"on lockdown."_ You ask her why and she says she is entitled to her privacy. You do nothing else about it. 

- Then, she starts using Facebook to _"reconnect with old flames."_ You complain and she offers _"excuse after excuse."_ You do nothing else about it.

- She escalates to _"always messaging"_ and starts to ignore her son. Other than making _"comments,"_ you do nothing about it.

- Around this time, you start receiving _"erotic pics"_ from her. This is out of character and you consider it to be another _"red flag."_ But you do nothing about it.

- In September 2014, she finally admits to having _"feelings"_ for and having sent pictures to another man. You do nothing about it.

- A few weeks later, you discover she is using a messaging app and learn that she is talking to another guy, to whom she has also sent pictures. Other than complaining, you do nothing about it.

- In December 2014, you learn that she is communicating with OM (who lives on the other side of the state) and that _"someone local is hitting on her."_ She flirts with him in front of you. He sends her inappropriate messages and she tells you she enjoys _"messing with him in person."_ You do nothing about it.

- On Christmas night, you catch her chatting and sending pictures to OM. Other than _"losing [your] **** on the spot."_ (whatever that means), you do nothing about it. She keeps texting him.

- This behavior continues in the following weeks. Again, other than complain, you do nothing about it.

- In February 2015, you and she travel to the other side of the state (where the OM lives), and you don't object or suspect anything when she has a GNO. On that same trip, she disappears for an entire evening. Again, it never occurs to you that she is doing anything inappropriate until you see a Facebook message to the effect that your WW is claiming to be with friends in order to hide the fact that she is cheating on you. You also learn that OM was at the same bar as her. She denies doing anything wrong and so does the OM (surprise, surprise). So, you do nothing about it.

- A couple of days later, she tells you she is going to _"meet up"_ with the OM. You do nothing about it.

- After returning home, she continues to communicate with OM. She barely acknowledged your 15th anniversary. You do nothing about it.

- At the end of April 2015, you see a chat message in which she admits having had sex with OM during the trip to the other side of the state. Other than complaining to a buddy, you do nothing about it.

- Four days later, she confesses to cheating and says she doesn't want to stop. You do nothing about it.

- In May 2015, the OM comes to town and she spends a night with him. You do nothing about it.

- Later in the summer, she visits the OM. You do nothing about it.

- In August 2015, one of her friends calls her out. You claim you think this has finally _"woke her up."_ So you continue to do nothing.

- She continues to block access to her phone but claims not to be in touch with OM. You know she is lying. You do nothing about it.

- In September 2015, you learn she is talking about meeting up with OM again. You do nothing about it.

- About a week ago, you see several messages and naked pictures from her to OM. That same day, she reinstalls WhatsApp on her phone. You do nothing about it.

- She continues to cheat. You continue to do nothing about it.

You claim you've been employing _"mini"_ 180s. But you admit to not _"keeping these going"_ and it is clear from your posts that, throughout this 15 month time period, you and your wife have continued to live together, to do things together and even to travel together.

You say you're not going to defend your actions. Well, that's good because, truthfully, you haven't taken any.

Look, this is your marriage and your life. If you want to stand by and do nothing while your WW cheats on you and rubs it in your face (because that's what she's been doing), fine.

But, until you do something that gives her serious consequences for cheating, I am still of the opinion that you have no right to complain about her behavior because you are enabling her.

The alternative is to expose what she's done to your two families, file for divorce and go into full 180 mode in which you have no communications with her other than about the divorce and the care of your child.

Your call.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Uh, wow. Just...... wow. 

I think he's going to take action now/---- 
Not really. 
It's sadly going to continue........

I'm hoping to hear this last post makes you mad as heck and puts you toward a path to just leave this unfaithful "lady", and I hate to even out the word in the same sentence as your wife.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Exposing her won't work my man.

Her family knows from the birthday party time. That girl posting on FB told all.
So they knew she went and spread for another guy that very day.

In fact everybody knows that's a friend on FB.

What I want to know now??? What's your plan going forward?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Whenever I read cuckold stories like this; I always wonder what the BS is thinking. What is there to love about this woman? 

OP, you need counseling to find out the reasons for your co-dependence. It's just sad.

Of course you should divorce her.


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## efitzgerald22015 (Nov 2, 2015)

Ok imma tell u I have experienced something similar....my story....Ok I have been with my husband five yrs after my daughter was born it got real bad fighting and everything well we split and right away he was with someone n by what I know he was talking to her before we split well that lasted four and a half months then he was begging to come home well we were back together for 7 months I found out I was pregnant well ABT when my son was one we started having a lot of problems and kept splitting up..... the month before his birthday I looked at his email he was sending half naked pictures to personal ads on capitalist....and saying he was alone in a hotel and lonely.... I confronted him and he tried to say he didn't do that...well on my son's 1st birthday weekend he was like we need to work stuff out for the kids well I thought everything was fine but one night something told me to look at his phone well I did he was talking to a female that I thought was a mutual friend and he tried to say it wasn't like that they were just friends that she was someone to talk to but you don't call a friend sweetheart and baby to and talk to her more than me well that night we split when i found that he tried taking everything from me and we were getting a divorce well a month before he kept going where I live it was 3 hrs away from him and we tried working things out well he ended up convincing me to move back and things were ok for ABT 4 months then I started noticing him always on his phone......and well one day he was like we need to talk n I knew right then and there what that meant so I told him it's not the same and that broke my heart cause I was lying well I knew he had someone else well it finally came out he was seeing someone and only cause I walked up to him texting her and I asked who's Shelby when we were somewhere with our kids well that broke my heart more cause he was coming to my bed at night but being with her.... when it came out which Shelby it was it was a mutual friend that last split up she was consoling me...well we went to the grocery store so he could get groceries for the kids well I told him how I felt well we were sitting there and he was on his phone he ended up texting her he's not losing his family to leave him alone well she kept messaging and then started messaging me on FB well we both deleted social media and we actually talk now but time will tell cause it's only been a couple weeks.....you gotta look inside ur heart and decide if u wanna walk away from a marriage that u been in so long but only u can decide no one else cause even my in laws don't understand y I go back to my husband if in ur heart u can forgive and u want to work things out than do but if in ur heart u can't then walk away


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

badmemory said:


> Whenever I read cuckold stories like this; I always wonder what the BS is thinking. What is there to love about this woman?
> 
> OP, you need counseling to find out the reasons for your co-dependence. It's just sad.
> 
> Of course you should divorce her.


Agreed.

The OP might also benefit from reading _"No More Mr. Nice Guy"_ by Dr. Robert Glover (https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf).


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## ihatethis (Oct 17, 2013)

She's never going to change. She sees how this hurts you, and she still does it. She has zero remorse. Let her go ASAP and focus on your child.


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## Popcorn2015 (Sep 10, 2015)

The advice here has been good, so I'll just add one thing:

When your wife knows that you know about her cheating and are willingly putting up with it, she thinks you are less of a man, and that makes you less attractive in her eyes. Considering that this is a woman who is already a bit of a cheating *****, your lack of action not only enables her behavior, but encourages it.


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## Omar174 (Mar 12, 2014)

mtfbwme said:


> Thank you to everyone who took the time to read through the post and take the time to respond. I appreciate the advice and words both kind and candid.
> 
> *18 years*.
> 
> ...


*

The only thing I wonder is how many other d1cks she saw in those 18 years. 

Man up dude, kick her ass to the curb.*


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## mtfbwme (Oct 31, 2015)

Thanks again to all who have read my story and have taken the time to reply.

Anyone going through this knows it is not easy. No one should have to put their life on hold while their W or H takes time for herself etc. Amazing how selfish a person can become when they start throwing around "my life" lines etc.

I said the words for the last time tonight.

I am done.

I know it's going to take every ounce of me to not look back with this especially when my W seems to think it is OK and perfectly acceptable abd many people have gone through the is or live like this and have a "midlife" crisis. We are back 6 months when she said I need to go out and have fun too. Like I am supposed to sign up for this new life too.

She seems to think it is acceptable to explore her option even when saying there is no future with the OM over an over. It is amazing the rationalization that they process. 

In fact she says it is not you or him and if you leave I will just be alone since there is zero future - and practically a future with the OM is not possible. No job no house no nothing 200 miles away. I almost wish he had the means to get her out of my life. Almost as if it is a reverse threat because in the next sentence she says well you are the one who is going to suffer paying child support etc.

Amazing - so the rationale is let me lead this life or else you will pay for me to lead it.

Sorry, this is not what I signed up for and whatever resentment credit a person may have over the past 18 years does not give them a pass to act like this and expect me to just wait it out.

Again I read every reply and appreciate the words. I don't wish this on anyone.

I will type it again.

I am done.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Never wait it out....I did and it was a waste of 13 years of unhappy bull shyt!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

mtfbwme said:


> Thanks again to all who have read my story and have taken the time to reply.
> 
> Anyone going through this knows it is not easy. No one should have to put their life on hold while their W or H takes time for herself etc. Amazing how selfish a person can become when they start throwing around "my life" lines etc.
> 
> ...


Your old lady is phucked up...from were I'm sitting the only thing you are paying for is getting the hell away from her bull shyt.

The reality is ...her life ain't going to be any easier then yours, cuz in the long run the both of you will be screwed and she is so stupid she can't even see it!

Maybe I am wrong and when the kids resent her and she is dying a lone in some trailer park some were... she may see her mistakes....but it will be to late, she will be found dead surrounded by cats and cat boo by the post man.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Going dark is what's needed. No words just actions. Immediately have her served and go for full custody. You have to protect your kids. She's in d!ck searching mode and will be one of those single mom / divorcees that'll leave the kids with anyone so she can service the non-paying johns. 

Put all of your effort on you and your kids. Go COMPLETELY 180 on her. Also carry a VAR, to capture all interactions. WWs are notoriously coached on how to get husband kicked out of home so she can bring POS into house. Today's no fault divorce means it's the husband's fault.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

mtfbwme said:


> In fact she says it is not you or him and if you leave I will just be alone since there is zero future - and practically a future with the OM is not possible.


She's just attempting to manipulate you. If she doesn't hook up with this POSOM, she'll find some other unsuspecting dupe.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

"I Am Done"

I hope you mean it.

Show her consequences. 

For her crappy, selfish decisions.


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## header (Nov 14, 2015)

mtfbwme said:


> I just want to have it out with her once and for all that this is not acceptable.


It's not acceptable to YOU. As far as she's concerned, it's perfectly ok, and it's about what she wants, not what you want.

Having it out with her, giving her ultimatums- they won't do a thing, she doesn't care what you want. Those things only matter when they DO care and respect you.

So forget all that. You have two choices as I see it. 

1- Stay with her and continue to put up with her cheating with all these guys.

2- Divorce her.

That's it.



mtfbwme said:


> Again - I haven't said a word. I came here because I am tired of talking to my friends about this. One has already kind of shut me out, guess doesn't want my luck to rub off.


He's probably frustrated watching you passively do nothing while she's totally disrespecting you



mtfbwme said:


> Financially kicking her out doesn't work.


She won't leave if you try to kick her out, she'd tell you to leave. Find a way to get her out of your life. There's ALWAYS a way.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You are making your life what it is because you're weak and ineffective.

She's totally wrong in this but you can't be helped because you won't help yourself. The Calvary isn't coming. It's all up to you.

Why come here???? I suspect you'll just continue to live as you have.

Quit complaining and accept your life as it is. You know what to do to change it.


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