# Description of feelings when you are refused



## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

I'd like to hear how people describe their feelings of being refused, especially those who are refused on a regular basis (minimum 25% of the time).

While I'm referring to people who are refused sexually often, feel free to post how you feel if you are getting sex often but get refused in one specific area of sex that is important to you as well (IE BJ's, anal, etc.)

I've seen many people write that refusal is devestating, while others describe it as not a big deal. I'd assume the level of impact is based on the frequency of rejection, but I'm just curious how other people feel about it.

I'll start.

For me, it feels like a rejection of me. It leaves me feeling unattractive, undesireable and also very unskilled sexually. I don't feel this way if my partner has a legitimate reason (IE, not feeling well, depressed, etc.) but I don't usually try during those times anyways, unless it's been a long while and I really feel a NEED for it. Even then, I don't try very often out of respect.

Those feelings come up more often when I get refused because she 'doesn't feel like it' or would rather do something that can wait, like laundry or dying her hair. Maybe I'm wrong, but I take that as an indication she'd rather do those things than do me, as if the laundry or reading a book or watching TV outranks having sex with me. She'll say they don't, but that's how I feel.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

It’s morphed over time. The old me held onto a lot of resentment about it. So its like you are laying next to goddess who you yearn for. But you just can’t handle being rejected again over and over. It destroys you and rips out a piece of your heart every single time. Sure enough though, at some point you just can’t handle that yearning; Its unbearable. So you make a choice to risk the rejection once more thinking that pain might be less than the pain of the yearning. And just as predicted, she tears a bit more from you. “What is wrong with you?” goes through your head. 

Eventually it becomes “What is wrong with her?” Anger, frustration and resentment set in like a slow poison. Even on those rare occasions she says yes, you remain angry because you know it will be a long time before the next romp (and it probably wasn’t even good sex... “aren’t you done yet?”) You feel so pathetic, like such a loser.. “Can’t even get sex from someone who loves me.” Begging, and trying to manipulate it; “Have another glass of wine dear.” You feel perverted like you are some sort of thief just trying to sneak a private touch or peek at your goddess. That increases the pain.... And that poison grows. It starts taking on an inflated value in your head and you’ll take ANY potential for sex as a chance to make a move. And the rejection continues. So new and awful thoughts enter your head; If she isn’t going to do this, then I’m ‘entitled’ to _(something she really doesn’t like)__ or stop doing __(something she does like)___”. It spread out and is no longer limited to just sex; You see her whole character as something that causes you hurt. And the downward spiral continues fed on resentment, frustration and anger....

I couldn’t let go of the resentment until she stopped rejecting. And when she stopped rejecting, I could handle the occasional rejection just fine as long as I remembered why I’d get a flash of anger.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Very impressive response Racer. That's how I felt with my ex-wife for a while, almost to a tee. Rather than saying I'm entitled to this or that though, I just tuned out and started to engross myself in my own hobbies, which led to seperation within the same house. Eventually, it led to seperation completely and divorce.


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## alva (Aug 8, 2012)

I have continuing rejection from an Alzheimer's wife. She was passionate and wonderful until her daughter tried to legally remove her from our marriage and place her in a distant assisted living facillity. I think the daughter really wanted my wife's assets. While we were waiting for the court hearing, my wife suddenly went from being sexual to saying two days later that we weren't married and she wasn't going to have sex with me anymore. (1.5 years ago) Had she not had AD, we would be divorced by now. I keep praying that the daughter will get early Alzheimer's and live a long life in that condition before finally burning in hell.

This morning was our 15th anniversary, and she wouldn't even kiss me. The constant rejection is like psychological castration.

There probably should be a separate thread for Alzheimer's Disease problems.

Alva


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## Cupcake37 (Nov 19, 2011)

My husband isn't interested in sex. I went through a phase of trying to initiate sex, only ever on weekends as he is too tired in the week. He rejected me for about 4 weeks in a row. How did I feel? Well the first week, I thought o.k perhaps he is tired and let it go. The second week I turned my back on him and struggled to fight back the tears. He makes me feel like I am some kind of freak with two heads. I feel rubbish, unloved, lonely and ugly. The following weeks it just snowballed until I just can't face trying to initiate sex with him anymore. The rejection is just too painful. I honestly don't know if he realises what he has done to me. If it was the otherway around, I would maybe say no once if I really wasn't in the mood or felt ill etc.. but even if I didn't want to do it, I would just do it. I could never reject somebody time after time, it is the most cruel thing ever. I have had sex with my husband 4 times this year, I could never refuse him. However much anger and resentment I have towards him for the life he is making me live I would never treat him like that.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

kingsfan said:


> Rather than saying I'm entitled to this or that though, I just tuned out and started to engross myself in my own hobbies, which led to seperation within the same house. Eventually, it led to seperation completely and divorce.


lol... that is what I did too. Computer gaming, racing... Of coarse she hated both, but I figured "Hey, we aren't all getting what we want are we?" Easier to play to exhaustion and fall asleep when I hit the bed than lie there next to the goddess. Hence the 'entitled' feeling to it.

Oh and ours devolved to the point where she started having affairs (emotionally left the marriage)...


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

How does it make me feel? 

Don't know if I can express it any better than Racer did to be honest but I'll give it a shot.

I feel that I am undesirable.
I feel like less of a man
I feel anger
I feel hurt
I feel alone in the world with the one person who is supposed to be my all
I feel nothing


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Racer said:


> lol... that is what I did too. Computer gaming, racing... Of coarse she hated both, but I figured "Hey, we aren't all getting what we want are we?" Easier to play to exhaustion and fall asleep when I hit the bed than lie there next to the goddess. Hence the 'entitled' feeling to it.
> 
> *Oh and ours devolved to the point where she started having affairs (emotionally left the marriage)*...


That's exactly why I left in the end. She was having multiple online affairs with men, some of which turned physical I strongly believe.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> Very impressive response Racer. That's how I felt with my ex-wife for a while, almost to a tee. Rather than saying I'm entitled to this or that though, I just tuned out and started to engross myself in my own hobbies, which led to seperation within the same house. Eventually, it led to seperation completely and divorce.


I've been doing this too and I can attest to the fact that although it's helped me feel better about myself, it has also made me feel less for her.

I'm not sure that is a good thing but it is the only way to avoid the hurt of rejection


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## TheGoodFight (Oct 26, 2011)

Racer said:


> lol... that is what I did too. Computer gaming, racing... Of coarse she hated both, but I figured "Hey, we aren't all getting what we want are we?" Easier to play to exhaustion and fall asleep when I hit the bed than lie there next to the goddess. Hence the 'entitled' feeling to it.
> 
> Oh and ours devolved to the point where she started having affairs (emotionally left the marriage)...


Happened to me too! Even the same hobbies!


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Toffer said:


> I'm not sure that is a good thing but it is the only way to avoid the hurt of rejection


Its a bad thing... Just look how Kingsfan, Goodfight and my relationships ended up. I did a post earlier today on sort of an outline on how I turned it around.

(edited to add another member lol)... btw; I'm still with my wife but because of her adultery and how deeply she wrecked me, that 'yearning & goddess' feeling is dead in me. She's just a person.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Racer said:


> Its a bad thing... Just look how Kingsfan and my relationships ended up. I did a post earlier today on sort of an outline on how I turned it around.


Yeah, it's a bad thing. I mean I'm happier now for sure, but it took a divorce, lost ten years of my life and three kids to get there. While I wouldn't give up what I have for the world, 6 years ago I'd have wanted to do my all to save our relationship as well.

I hope you turn yours around Toffer, and I aim to not go down that path again.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Racer said:


> Its a bad thing... Just look how Kingsfan, Goodfight and my relationships ended up. I did a post earlier today on sort of an outline on how I turned it around.
> 
> (edited to add another member lol)... btw; I'm still with my wife but *because of her adultery and how deeply she wrecked me, that 'yearning & goddess' feeling is dead in me. She's just a person*.


That's why I left. We went from in love to just roommates basically. I knew that I couldn't love her the way I should as a husband, and I didn't really 'want' her anymore. She was just a warm body and half the time I felt bad about having sex with her, while the other half I was left asking myself "was that really something she even wanted" afterwards. Either way, not a good feeling. 

I knew it was only a matter of time before I started to fall for someone else, as we all feel desire for someone and I felt nothing for her. SO I elected to leave before I found myself getting interested in someone else, or having an affair.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

kingsfan said:


> I knew that I couldn't love her the way I should as a husband, and I didn't really 'want' her anymore.


And that's where I struggle still. Want is there... yearning is not. Sorta the difference between being hungry, and smelling something absolutely delicious when you are hungry.



> I knew it was only a matter of time before I started to fall for someone else, as we all feel desire for someone and I felt nothing for her. SO I elected to leave before I found myself getting interested in someone else, or having an affair.


And where I tread very, very carefully. I've got 'wayward' thoughts. Was actually thinking over this thread that I know a woman who's in that sexless boat like I was. I so very much want to tell her and re-assure how absolutely hot and attractive she is and how stupid her husband is for not ravishing her.... Immoral thoughts have entered my head. You can feel that pain and questioning radiating out of her like “Am I attractive? I need physical contact too..”. But I can't; That'd lead to 'bad things' for Racer. So I sit there uncomfortably listening in our little group of betrayed spouses knowing I can’t reach out to the female members without crossing serious boundaries... I also hate it that I need to ‘nanny’ one of the guys who hasn’t been through this and has extremely poor boundaries... She’s vulnerable (fresh BS + sexless) as is he being in a sexless marriage as well; Bad combo. Sort of scary emotionally for me watching all this around me. So I go home and hug my wife thankful that she’s also worried about me and does all those little things to make sure I know she’s my girl and try to mark me as her man.

Of coarse I could live without the insane lashing out for me not wanting her at these things driven by her fear that I may have a RA.... We are working on that though


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> That's why I left. We went from in love to just roommates basically. I knew that I couldn't love her the way I should as a husband, and I didn't really 'want' her anymore. She was just a warm body and half the time I felt bad about having sx with her, while the other half I was left asking myself "was that really something she even wanted" afterwards. Either way, not a good feeling.
> 
> I knew it was only a matter of time before I started to fall for someone else, as we all feel desire for someone and I felt nothing for her. SO I elected to leave before I found myself getting interested in someone else, or having an affair.


Damn. I could have written most of this. For now, I'm staying for the kids. Having other women show interest in me is not helping matters.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Racer said:


> Anger, frustration and resentment set in like a slow poison. Even on those rare occasions she says yes, you remain angry because you know it will be a long time before the next romp (and it probably wasn’t even good sex... “aren’t you done yet?”)


Yeah, that big time after enough time. I'd see a pretty woman and every time it would piss me off big time. I didn't want to be turned on, every now and then one would catch my eye and I'd be pissed off all over again.



Racer said:


> I couldn’t let go of the resentment until she stopped rejecting. And when she stopped rejecting, I could handle the occasional rejection just fine as long as I remembered why I’d get a flash of anger.


I'm really working on getting past it. 

The problem is that even though it's mostly yes and she initiates now, she sometimes does turn me down. I've told her that she's already said no more than any wife ever should so she just shouldn't.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Hate to say it again but if you go long enough and focus your energy elsewhere, it does get easier.

I no longer think about it as much and I don't get as angry or hurt either. I just live with it

As I noted in another thread, I toy with the idea of turning her down when she comes sniffing around as a taste of her own medicinne (yeah, I know that's very passive/aggressive). I also want to turn her down because I don't want to get that "feel good" feeling I get from sex again knowing that will be it for a long stretch of time. 

Guess it's like going cold turkey on something you really, really like or are addicted to.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Toffer said:


> As I noted in another thread, I toy with the idea of turning her down when she comes sniffing around as a taste of her own medicinne (yeah, I know that's very passive/aggressive). I also want to turn her down because I don't want to get that "feel good" feeling I get from sex again knowing that will be it for a long stretch of time.
> 
> Guess it's like going cold turkey on something you really, really like or are addicted to.


Yep, I felt this before too. I did it as well a few times to my ex, just said no to her and walked away. One time did upset her. We had gone about 3 weeks, AGAIN, and I had been turned down several times in that span, AGAIN, and this had been going on for a few years. So one night, she was actually in the mood. Her way of showing me she was in the mood was to let me touch her breasts (she said they were to sensitive all other times, which is a massive load of bull****). Well she wanted me to rub body lotion on her, like that Nutrogena or whatever that **** is called. Nothing kinky, just body lotion.

So I rubbed it everywhere, even her breasts. She loved it. Then she started making some suggestions about me 'staying' in bed with her. I knew what this meant.

Even though I was REALLY wanting to stay, I said no, I had something else to do, and walked away, leaving her all excited. 

At the time I felt rather proud of myself. In hindsight, it didn't acheive anything and that was one of the last times she ever tried to initiate something. I doubt it would have any positive affect if I had stayed and had sex with her, but if I could go back I'd likely have just had sex. At least I would have gotten some and not put myself through extra aggrevation just to prove a point which didn't even come across anyways. 

Eventually, I mostly stopped asking as well for the same reason you did Toffer, you kind of ween yourself off of it and then, while you do really want sex, you don't want to get that feeling again because you know it'll be a long time again before you get another romp. So you elect to not go through weeks/months of withdrawl again rather than having sex with your own wife. It's really ****ty feeling like that and it's one of the worst rock and a hard place moments I've ever lived through. It's why I want my sex issues figured out before I actually get married again, I'm not going through that, or anything remotely close to that, again. Just recalling it makes my heart hurt, I was in so much emotional pain. I'd rather be shot to death with a pellet gun than go through that again.


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## jamjon (Aug 6, 2012)

alva said:


> ....There probably should be a separate thread for Alzheimer's Disease problems.
> 
> Alva


I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. My mother is currently living with Alzheimer's, and it is far more common than people realize. There are good forums elsewhere- joang - All Discussions and Caregivers Forum - DailyStrength are two that our family has explored.


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## RoverRunder (Jul 31, 2012)

From a female standpoint? It's confusing to say the least. Along with the feelings other people have mentioned of feeling rejected, unnattractive, unloved, I just feel straight up crazy.

He says he wants sex, says I'm the sexiest woman he's ever laid eyes on yet ignores me on the most primal and basic level...how can that be?

Granted, I could just jump my husband and get sex whereas a husband can't quite do that to his wife...but WHO WANTS THAT??

Most days, especially lately, it makes me want to stab myself in the eyeballs. Or just give in to the temptation all around me because my sense of commitment to this husband creature of mine has completely gone down the toilet.


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## Jimbob82 (Jun 29, 2012)

The main ones?

Unattractiveness
That there's something wrong with YOU.
Isolation.
Just utter emptiness really.

Always worse is if you hypothetically imagine if you were Brad Pitt (or similar), they'd be jumping your bones every night!

Doubly worse when you think of them with their previous partners. This is never an issue when you're getting regular sex, but when it dries up, for me at least, this image eats away at me.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Jimbob82 said:


> The main ones?
> 
> Unattractiveness
> That there's something wrong with YOU.
> ...


No kidding. You know that some jackass in her past got laid nightly and didn't even treat her well, yet you can't get any even if you saved her from a burning building. I know how you feel my friend.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

It's not just men that experience rejection, plenty of women too.

It feels like crap. In fact, after time, you just quit approaching because you can't deal with the constant rejection.

At first I thought it was me, so I changed my hair, lost weight, had surgery, everything so that I would look better and feel better and maybe he would think the same way - all a waste of time.

But--I do have underlying issues - ED, medications, health problems, and a possible porn addiction (my opinion--definitely not his).

So I take care of things myself and occasionally think about - what if? But--I have never set up a dating profile looking for men for myself. I could never do that, I would leave first if it got to that point.

But I have hope (and that's what keeps me going), that things will change, they will improve. Hopefully I won't be carrying that hope with me into the grave.


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## OhhShiney (Apr 8, 2011)

I can feel physically frustrated at the moment, but then it can broil into resentment, anger, sadness for quite a while. Repeated episodes can kinda build up -- I can even get physically aching from what seems like a physical build up of sexual pressure. 

Or, I may start to think about WHY she's rejecting. Is she tired? Not in the mood? Stressed about her job? Sore? Is it something I did? Is she mad at me? And then the thoughts get a bit wilder: Is there a reason she's not interested? Thoughts can spiral out of control, and if I'm very tired, it can turn into thoughts that all beat around my insecurities: Is there someone else she's thinking of? Am I a crappy lover? And these thoughts can become more and more irrational. 

If I'm rejected about the time it's time to go to sleep, I may end up spending half the night stewing and replaying these thoughts in my head. I may then wake up cranky, and begin to act petulant. 

I have been in counseling for my insecurities, and cognitive behavior therapy had helped me begin to address why I tend to go into a cycle of irrational thoughts: Trying to predict the future, ignoring evidence that there is nothing wrong, framing every little action as if it is a worst case scenario, etc. The faulty reasoning that is present in people with insecurity can trigger very odd behaviors or thoughts unless they are interrupted and you accept that the way you are reacting to a situation may be wrong.


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## Cookie99 (May 21, 2012)

If one is not carefull it can leave one feeling useless in all things. Cookie99


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## The Chimp (Feb 14, 2012)

Like when I don't win the lottery. Well the odds were against me winning anyway so so what. Another pound wasted.


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## 7737 (Feb 10, 2011)

I think you get conditioned to it.

I know I have....When I used to try and initiate the rejection hurt, alot. Self esteem plummeted.
Then the penny drops - if you know theer is a 98% chance you are going to get rejected and so hurt, don't try to initiate = you won't get rejected = you won't get hurt. Easy peasy lemon squeasy!

What this also means is if on the rare (very rare) occasion you (my) wife does make an attempt at initiating I can't take it at face value..she has an ulteriour motive...

The damage has been done...it will take alot of effort from her to repair it, but it IS repairable. If she wants to.


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## Anomnom (Jun 25, 2012)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> It's not just men that experience rejection, plenty of women too.
> 
> It feels like crap. In fact, after time, you just quit approaching because you can't deal with the constant rejection.


I get rejected over 95% of the time I would estimate. He never initiates, ever. I have finally reached the point where I am not going to initiate again. It's been 4 months and nothing. Last time I reached this point we went 5.5 months before I caved and initiated again. This time I know I won't, I have finally lost all desire for him from constantly being turned down and the lack of enthusiasm when we actually do do it. 

I don't take it personally, I know he's ND and he's just not a sexual person but I do have resentment towards him for not compromising at all..it's not fair on our marriage or me and it will eventually lead me to leave him.


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## hubbytony (Aug 10, 2012)

Me and my wife hasnt even been married for a year and she is already never in the mood. She says I am the best she has ever had but yet I am not really feeling that way. Me and her first got together that was something we promised each other we would never do was tell one another no unless it was sickness. She says she is tired all the time and don't feel very good but she is always doing stuff. Like facebook games and The Sims games. She is always playing on the computer. She dont do anything wrong on the computer she just plays games all day long. I am 34 and she is 43 and my sex drive is running at 99 miles per hour and hers is like 5 miles per hour. The days are always the same. She gets up gets a cup of coffee and facebook here she comes. She plays until late and off to bed no kiss or anything and sleep she goes. I find myself mad a lot and start feeling like porn is something I wanna watch or talking to chicks online. I dont feel needed or wanted in anyway. I will tell her I am in need and she will turn around and tell me she dont feel good. I have even thought about taking pills to where I dont have a sex drive. To me she is the most sexy, beautiful woman in the world. She will sleep naked in bed at night and that drives me crazy cause I want her so bad and she will only turn me down. So I feel resentment and sad.


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## Jimbob82 (Jun 29, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> No kidding. You know that some jackass in her past got laid nightly and didn't even treat her well, yet you can't get any even if you saved her from a burning building. I know how you feel my friend.


Yeah that's the most horrible bit ain't it? The jackass basically got to see her making an effort for him, looking her sexiest, wearing her horniest 'going out' outfits 2 or 3 times a week, and got the best sex out of her, probably in all sorts of places. Even if he may have only been seeing her for 1 or 2 year, he probably got better, more regular, more varied sex out of her than you did in whatever time you've been together. He got her younger, sexy body. She probably french-kissed his face off and you can barely muster an icy peck on the lips. 

So even though, fair enough, she's chosen you to settle with, and the early days may indeed have been fun, you really now only see her in her normal everyday comfy clothes, she doesn't get drunk and horny (I loved that but now she's teetotal), and you get brushed off more times than you have hot dinners..

As I said, it never even crosses your mind when you're getting regular sex, but when it dries up and you're lying in bed, ignored, It's actually too devastating to think about.


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## lifeisnotsogood (Jun 11, 2012)

I may as well add my experiences over the last 10-12 years of continuous rejection.

I usually feel unattractive, undesirable, and like a pervert when she does put out because I know she doesn't really want to, but she feels obligated. Then I sometimes get angry and I want to have an affair, trying to justify to myself that she drove me to that, but that only lasts for a minute and then I resent her. After all of that, I go take care of myself and ignore her for a while. Then I feel guilty for being selfish and I end up apologizing, WTF?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I get turned down probably 99% of the time. Been like that for years. When rejected sexually, I feel pissed beyond belief, stupid for even trying, exploited, etc. The worst part is I no longer look forward to "dates", "outings", vacation, etc. Who looks forward to hanging out with a nun? If all I am is a money machine, I might as well just work.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

if i ever get rejected i will let you know!


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## Sylvan (Aug 10, 2012)

Kingsfan, Racer, and Toffer.

You guys nailed it. I have been through all the same stages. Hurt, resentment, anger, to just stopped caring and started telling her no when she did want to. Same hobbies pretty much as well. 

This has gone on for about 5 yrs. Only thing is I recently discovered "Why" it began in the first place. She told me that for the last few years it just seemed like it wasn't worth it. She wanted the long passionate evenings and with our work and kids, it had all turned into the 15 min quickies when it did happen. So after awhile she decided it was easier to tell me no or rollover and ignore me, and settle her own urges later. 

The night I learned all this I had made a trip to the local sex shop that morning and bought a "toy" thinking I was fed up and it might help the situation. I'll tell you what. In the last month she hasn't said no not even once and our bedroom relations are better than they have been in 12 yrs. Will be married 13 years the 22nd of this month. 

Not saying a "toy" will fix things for anyone else but for us the Talking about it then introducing the "toy" made all the difference in the world.


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## Jimbob82 (Jun 29, 2012)

Chris Taylor said:


> Frustration and resentment, especially if you have been delivering on what she wants in the relationship.
> 
> It gets to a point where accepting that you will not have a fulfilling sexual relationship with your wife is easier than expecting one and not having it.


I think you've really got it in one here. You can just about handle occasional knock backs when there's a genuine reason, but rejection after rejection just does something to your core confidence. Its just a weird empty feeling of inadequacy, disillusionment and you just basically stop trying anything as she makes you feel like a dirty sex pest - when all you really want is intimate and shared pleasure
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## runningman1 (May 7, 2012)

I feel not wanted, usless, and actually like I am abnormal even requesting sex

I no lomger initiate out of fear of rejection. I am given signals if we are alone in the house she will announce for no reason "my periods come back again" thats her saying dont even try

I am sick of it


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## Itryhard1962 (Aug 15, 2012)

Ok, I'm 49 and my wife is 48. We have Ben married for nearly 31 years. Before we were married and for about 6 months after, we had really good sex. Then it just basically stopped. Average about once or twice a year for the past 15-20 years, and actually, there's been times when an entire year or 2 went by without any. She reads things like 50 shades of gray trilogy, and other sexy books, but always says it for the love story in them? Ive tried to discuss the no sex thing only to have her get mad and say things like " do we really have to talk about this right now"? I clean the house, do all of the dishes. I make really good money, she says she is happy. I am the most unhappy I've ever been in my entire life. She just absolutely doesn't care. I recently got her to admit that she sometimes masturbates, which actually turned me on at first, then started to think, WTF, you'll masturbate, but won't have sex with me? I'd even settle for mutual masturbation. Just anything, please! I love my wife very, very much and would never cheat on her, nor do I feel she has ever cheated on me. I am depressed. I don't know what to do.


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## Tikii (Jun 21, 2012)

Rejection for us isn't usually frequent, but it doesn't have any effect on me. I don't blame him for not being in the mood, tired, or whatever other reason. I know it isn't anything to do with me.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Itryhard1962 said:


> Ok, I'm 49 and my wife is 48. We have Ben married for nearly 31 years. Before we were married and for about 6 months after, we had really good sex. Then it just basically stopped. Average about once or twice a year for the past 15-20 years, and actually, there's been times when an entire year or 2 went by without any. She reads things like 50 shades of gray trilogy, and other sexy books, but always says it for the love story in them? Ive tried to discuss the no sex thing only to have her get mad and say things like " do we really have to talk about this right now"? I clean the house, do all of the dishes. I make really good money, she says she is happy. I am the most unhappy I've ever been in my entire life. She just absolutely doesn't care. I recently got her to admit that she sometimes masturbates, which actually turned me on at first, then started to think, WTF, you'll masturbate, but won't have sex with me? I'd even settle for mutual masturbation. Just anything, please! I love my wife very, very much and would never cheat on her, nor do I feel she has ever cheated on me. I am depressed. I don't know what to do.


Stop doing the dishes.

Seriously, if you aren't getting what you need out of the relationship, why give her extras. She shows no desire to communicate with you, and a year or two without sex is insane for a marriage. Do what you have to do and that's it.

I'd also start getting out of the house a lot more. Hang out with friends, take in a class, start going to movies or something, just get out of the house. She can come to at times, but sometimes you need to get out and away from her. Show her you don't need her. 

I find it amazing that some people can go for weeks, months and even years without sex and the wife (and yes, sometimes the husband if he is the LD person) thinks it's no big deal.


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

I don't usually feel bad when he rejects, maybe because its not very often? I don't take any persoanl offense, I just assume he's tired or stressed or whatever. I do feel slightly "rejected" when he doesn't notice that I'm wearing something sexy,or that he doesn't try to ravage my body more. I mean I think I'm a pretty cute 22 year old with a great body. It feels a little bad when youre standing in the living room naked and your husband tells you to move because you're blocking the tv lol.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

I'm a little pissy today because, after an afternoon of sexual teasing/tension, when we laid down together last night, presumably to start fooling around, she fell asleep. Wouldn't be a huge issue except for the fact that this seems to happen more than I would like.


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## Itryhard1962 (Aug 15, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> Stop doing the dishes.
> 
> Seriously, if you aren't getting what you need out of the relationship, why give her extras. She shows no desire to communicate with you, and a year or two without sex is insane for a marriage. Do what you have to do and that's it.
> 
> ...



My wife is the only woman I have ever loved. There has to be a way to compromise or something. BTW, I guess I'm naive, but what is the LD / HD you are talking about?


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Itryhard1962 said:


> My wife is the only woman I have ever loved. There has to be a way to compromise or something. BTW, I guess I'm naive, but what is the LD / HD you are talking about?


I agree with compromise, that said my point was getting booted from the bedroom shouldn't ever be in anyones playbook in a marriage, unless a serious offense (affair for example) has occurred.

LD/HD stands for Low Drive and High Drive, as in low sex drive and high sex drive.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

[QUOTEThat's why I left. We went from in love to just roommates basically. I knew that I couldn't love her the way I should as a husband, and I didn't really 'want' her anymore. She was just a warm body and half the time I felt bad about having sex with her, while the other half I was left asking myself "was that really something she even wanted" afterwards. Either way, not a good feeling. 
][/QUOTE]

She probably felt the same way..She didnt want you but you were just a "warm body"


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> [QUOTEThat's why I left. We went from in love to just roommates basically. I knew that I couldn't love her the way I should as a husband, and I didn't really 'want' her anymore. She was just a warm body and half the time I felt bad about having sex with her, while the other half I was left asking myself "was that really something she even wanted" afterwards. Either way, not a good feeling.
> ]


She probably felt the same way..She didnt want you but you were just a "warm body"[/QUOTE]

Not in the bedroom, but overall, yeah, I think she stayed because it was 'familiar' and didn't want to get out and look for something else for fear of not finding it.

Either way, good move for me to get out of that situation.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> She probably felt the same way..She didnt want you but you were just a "warm body"


Not in the bedroom, but overall, yeah, I think she stayed because it was 'familiar' and didn't want to get out and look for something else for fear of not finding it.

Either way, good move for me to get out of that situation.[/QUOTE]

LOL!! Bet she "found it" LOTS of horny men out there..its not like its hard to find..


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> Not in the bedroom, but overall, yeah, I think she stayed because it was 'familiar' and didn't want to get out and look for something else for fear of not finding it.
> 
> Either way, good move for me to get out of that situation.
> 
> LOL!! Bet she "found it" LOTS of horny men out there..its not like its hard to find..


Indeed.

She also found an STD, so buyer beware.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> Indeed.
> 
> She also found an STD, so buyer beware.


LOL adn you are immune! :smthumbup:


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> Indeed.
> 
> She also found an STD, so buyer beware.


oh my... someone is sounding just a tad bit jealous I think, even despite her apparent std
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Listen King..Im 100% sure your wife found satisfying sex WITHOUT you ..that you have to add in "diseases " proves your jealousy..


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> LOL adn you are immune! :smthumbup:


I elected to not sleep around after we seperated. In fact I've only had one partner since we split. She had about six in the first year, give or take.

Just because there is more fish in the sea doesn't mean you shouldn't inspect each one throughly before you indulge.

Not sure how this has anything to do with the thread anyways, or why you seem so bent on defending women in your posts the last few days (in multiple threads) but if you want to defend my ex-wife, feel free. It's pretty clear you have no idea who she is or how she acts, because you wouldn't be if you did.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

aribabe said:


> oh my... someone is sounding just a tad bit jealous I think, even despite her apparent std
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





dallasapple said:


> Listen King..Im 100% sure your wife found satisfying sex WITHOUT you ..that you have to add in "diseases " proves your jealousy..


Not in the least.

I've had 3 sexual partners in my life ever. Frankly, I'd be glad if I could erase the first one from that list (young, dumb, full of...time in my life).

I don't take pleasure or gain from the number of partners I've had. A higher number has never been a selling point for me. I'm not jealous in the least and if I had known how happy I could have been after we split, I'd have split from her years earlier.

I'm in no way jealous of her and if I was, I wouldn't waste my time calling her down to people who don't even know her (and me for that matter).


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

aribabe said:


> oh my... someone is sounding just a tad bit jealous I think, even despite her apparent std
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


LOL!! Yeah she doesnt want to screw me???Shes going ot get a DIESEASE (like all other guys have a disease" LOL!!


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> I elected to not sleep around after we seperated.


Good you avoided "diseases"


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> LOL!! Yeah she doesnt want to screw me???Shes going ot get a DIESEASE (like all other guys have a disease" LOL!!


There's no 'going' to about it. She did. 

Anyways, I'm done on thsi topic as it's just a big thread derail with no positive gain for anyone. Once again Dallasapple, I think you are simply going out of your way to defend all women lately, and I think it's rather silly, especially for women you don't even know. If you'd read my posting history on here, I've gone into some detail on my past relationship, and I think you'd see she isn't exactly the most kind, caring person, both in and out of the bedroom.

We divorced, and while the bedroom issues were a problem, they weren't the main reason we split at all. But as I said, I'm done posting on this topic and if you want to read for yourself what was and wasn't going on in my relationship, feel free to look up my posts. 

Hopefully more people will post in here on the issue of the topic, which is feelings regarding refusal, not whether or not I'm jealous of my ex-wife.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> LOL!! Yeah she doesnt want to screw me???Shes going ot get a DIESEASE (like all other guys have a disease" LOL!!


River1977,

Is that you????


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## needguidance (Aug 17, 2012)

My thing about it is that there aren't any exceptions. Forget about settling, stop helping these people out because guess what? If you separate or divorce they will find someone old or new that they will give the complete opposite to, all day every day, on demand, etc. It crazy but sometimes as men, our luster just wears off for some women and 98% of them are usually the ones we end up marrying. It doesn't get better, only gets worse. From a mans perspective, I have yet to hear a man say things got better once he married the woman he was dating. In all honesty it should get better, its the highest level of commitment. 

What kills is that so many people accept the fact that things aren't the same or they accept the frequency of sex gradually becoming less. You do everything you can, you cater to that person, you invest time, considerate of their feelings and opinion when its time to make decisions, you make yourself damn near perfect but they won't budge. Its harder when you meet some one who has an HD then somehow they end up with an LD when things get serious/ marriage. Somehow if it does end up in divorce or separation and all of a sudden their HD has returned for another person they care nothing for or its nsa or just casual. Makes you wonder does love make a person have an LD or is it the thought of being with the same person? I myself have personally gone through this on the separation side but I'm sure its deeper than an LD.

Id say the best thing to do is leave that person alone because obviously whatever luster you had when you two is over once the dry spell starts. You can work 7 days a week, never drink again, be the most romantic person, hell take it from a scientific study and do all the hugging, kissing, cuddling, aphrodisiacs, by any means necessary. If you're trying that hard to have the same results, its not meant to be, not worth the struggle. You shouldn't have to negotiate with your spouse for anything sexual, for God's sake you're in a marriage! You're not dating, you're still courting, the cookie belongs to you and vice versa. If my spouse ever got the point where she asked or constantly making advances id do it even if I had the flu (I tried once but I was way too sick, I was still willing to try). I've been in that position before too with an ex. It was happening so much that I had to beg her to leave me alone because my body was just too drained and too sore, I couldn't keep up consistently (2-3 times a day). So in reality you have to meet someone as sexual as you but its hard to tell these because everyone starts off like that but the longevity is what every person wants at the end of the day. Anyway, how do I feel about rejection?

Useless
Determined
Depressed
Suspicious about my spouse
Insecure
Wrong approach
Start to reevaluate myself
Try a new tactic?
Bad timing? 
She's withholding on purpose
Past events
Me
Time of the month (that doesn't bother me cause id still do it)
If I did something or said something wrong
Stop trying because it won't ever lead anywhere

I remember I heard from a pick up artist a person will never withold sex from you if its good because there's no reason. Unless they are with someone else or the sex is bad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gorky75 (Aug 22, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> I'd like to hear how people describe their feelings of being refused, especially those who are refused on a regular basis (minimum 25% of the time).
> 
> While I'm referring to people who are refused sexually often, feel free to post how you feel if you are getting sex often but get refused in one specific area of sex that is important to you as well (IE BJ's, anal, etc.)
> 
> ...


It feels like rejection. Not being wanted. Not desirable. Plus frustrating. And less likely to want it for some time.


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