# An introduction



## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

Call me Ella. I have a pretty unusual story, one which actually got me banned from another marriage forum for being too "unbelievable". I'm 23 years old, married for 5 years to my 33-year-old husband, whom I will call E.B. for Eternal Beloved. 


Starting from the very beginning, I was born with Cerebral Palsy and a slw of allergies and chronic illnesses that, along with a particularly traumatic surgery, rendered me a terrified invalid for most of my adolescence. Due to the aforementioned surgery, I had severe panic attacks and thus preferred to stay in my own world, reading romance and fantasy novels and socializing almost exclusively through the internet. When E.B. and I first met, online of course, I was 15 and he was 25. I was in love with being in love, and I decided to choose him to be in love with. At first, E.B. rejected all my advances outright, claiming that I was way too young for him and that we lived too far apart. (He lived in England at the time and I lived in the states) I asked him one day if things would be different if he could come over to meet me in real life, and he said yes. So I begged my parents to pay for his trip over here and after they checked him on Interpol, they said he could. My parents were mostly thrilled to see me happy about anything for the first time in 5 years, and they knew if the relationship worked out, I would perhaps even have someone to look after me when my parents got older. E.B. and I met for the first time in real life on my 16th birthday, and so we began our relationship. It was a beautiful romance, the kind I'd read about. We were engaged by the time I was 17 and we were married three months after my 18th birthday. He came over on a fiance visa and has been living in the states with me ever since.

Shortly after we married, I developed major depression and an acute fear of abandonment to go along with the anxiety. It took us both a few years to adjust to this, but now he's usually wonderful when it comes to helping me handle my sorrow and insecurity.

I married first and foremost for love- and I am madly in love with my Beloved husband!-, but I also married him to have someone to look after me. In return for his emotional, physical, and financial support, I shower him with all the adoration and affection I possibly can. I hope to post here from time to time to give and get ideas and inspiration and advice- romantic gestures to try, date ideas, etc. In 5 years of marriage I have learned the unfortunate lesson that love waxes and wanes naturally and cyclically, and that you must work to cultivate love or it will wither. Mostly, I just want a place to spill all my thoughts regarding him and us as a couple, and to hear everyone else's thoughts in return. I love reading about marriages and relationships almost as much as I love reading my novels. :smile2:


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

You're right. Your story reads like a work of fiction.

I'm not saying it is, because that's against the rules here.

I'm simply agreeing with you and stating that I understand why you've been banned from other internet forums for making stuff up.

Question for you. On your one other post to date, you recommended a member read a particular book.

Did you write it?


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

No, I didn't. It was written by a woman named Linda MacDonald, and it's written for people who have cheated on their partners.

I would hope my story sounds like a fairy tale, but in the wow-your-life-is-a-dream sort of way rather than in the are-you-serious-right-now sort of way. I'm kind of upset, actually, that people were so incredulous on the other forum.

Anyway, I hope I can get lots of advice about "love-kindlers" as they're called. Honestly, I'm at what might be the end of a "butterflies" phase and I hate it when that happens. Love does naturally fade and spring up again, though. Why on earth does it do that? Why can't people's brains just feed them seratonin and dopamine and oxytocin forever once they find someone? In other words, why can't infatuation last forever?


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> why can't infatuation last forever?


Because, well, it just doesn't.

It would also be nice if people could never age and live forever, but we don't and asking why we can't is rather pointless.

Can you imagine the value of my stock portfolio (with compounded interest) after a million years?



EllaSuaveterre said:


> I'm kind of upset, actually, that people were so incredulous on the other forum.


I'm kind of upset with your parents, allowing their 15 year old minor to meet up with a 25 year legal adult man and actually going so far as to finance said -illegal- meetup, simply to "make her happy for the first time in 5 years". But I guess since they did their homework and he passed an internet background check, they figured it was all good..

What does a 15 year old know about relationships? What's a 25 year old man doing with a 15 year old child? Why are the parents irresponsibly allowing this to happen and actually going so far as to facilitate the meeting which is not even legal in most jurisdictions. There's a popular TV show "To Catch a Predator" which is based on exactly this sort of thing; you know, an adult male preying on a naive young teenager. Typically the child's parents aren't involved however. That's a lot of people to be tackled and handcuffed. And Chris Hansen would need to supply 3 chairs.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

It never stays the same because as much as we think relationships are never-changing at some time they are actually ever-changing all the time if we choose to be aware enough to see it.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> It never stays the same because as much as we think relationships are never-changing at some time they are actually ever-changing all the time if we choose to be aware enough to see it.


This is actually very true. Relationships change constantly, hour to hour.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

caruso said:


> I'm kind of upset with your parents, allowing their 15 year old minor to meet up with a 25 year legal adult man and actually going so far as to finance said -illegal- meetup, simply to "make her happy for the first time in 5 years". But I guess since they did their homework and he passed an internet background check, they figured it was all good..
> 
> What does a 15 year old know about relationships? What's a 25 year old man doing with a 15 year old child? Why are the parents irresponsibly allowing this to happen and actually going so far as to facilitate the meeting which is not even legal in most jurisdictions. There's a popular TV show "To Catch a Predator" which is based on exactly this sort of thing; you know, an adult male preying on a naive young teenager. Typically the child's parents aren't involved however. That's a lot of people to be tackled and handcuffed. And Chris Hansen would need to supply 3 chairs.


Well, we weren't "officially" doing anything romantic or dating until my 16th birthday, which is the age of consent in both my state and in England, so it's all legal. There were a LOT of people worried that he'd leave as soon as I turned 18, 21, what-have-you, but I'm 23 he's still here, sooo...


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> Well, we weren't "officially" doing anything romantic or dating until my 16th birthday, which is the age of consent in both my state and in England, so it's all legal. There were a LOT of people worried that he'd leave as soon as I turned 18, 21, what-have-you, but I'm 23 he's still here, sooo...


I see. I guess for the entire first year you were together after your parents paid for his airline ticket you just sat around playing checkers in eager anticipation of your 16th birthday.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

caruso said:


> I see. I guess for the entire first year you were together after your parents paid for his airline ticket you just sat around playing checkers in eager anticipation of your 16th birthday.


I was 15, turning 16, when we met online. He spurned my advances until I convinced him that the relationship could go somewhere when I told him my parents would pay for his flight. For some three months we were "just friends" as we waited for me to be legal and for his flight. As I mentioned- and as you seem to have accidentally glossed over- we met IRL and began dating on my 16th birthday. He said we'd try a relationship once the plane landed and see how it went. It went swimmingly. And actually, he ended up paying my parents back for the flight- and the subsequent two flights for Christmas and my 17th- once he married me. We had to live with my parents for the first year of our marriage while he paid off his debts and saved for a car, an apartment, an emergency fund, etc.


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

I'm glad it worked out for you and you have such cool parents who will do just about anything to make sure their daughter is happy and um fulfilled.

Who got the credit for all the frequent flier miles?


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

caruso said:


> I'm glad it worked out for you and you have such cool parents who will do just about anything to make sure their daughter is happy and um fulfilled.
> 
> Who got the credit for all the frequent flier miles?


Good grief, I don't know! :grin2: I guess we'll find out the next time we go to England to see his family.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

And I suppose "Why doesn't love last forever?" really is one of those unanswerable questions, in the category of "Why do people age?" and "Why does money exist?" and other such existential thoughts. What matters, I suppose, is whether one knows how to bring love back from a dead relationship.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Caruso brought up valid points about the age difference and what I would consider very poor parenting by your parents for facilitating this relationship. And how did they research this guy thru Interpol? Did they just call and say tell me what you know of Mr. Suaveterre? Are the laws that different in England that you can do that? Searching a persons criminal record is more difficult than it should be here in the US.

Let's say your story is true and go from there. Going forward I think you must learn to contribute to your life and your marriage, not just by showing him love and affection, but by providing tangible assets to your lives. I say this because I'm guessing this guy must have a bit of White Night Syndrome to have married you, a young girl with disabilities and mental health issues, over time his need to protect and support you can easily turn into resentment, very typical progression in that kind of relationship. 

Also why specifically were you banned from another marriage forum?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

For the record, my brother met his wife at nearly the same ages (15/23) and the marriage was successful in many aspects... They married when she was in university, they waited for serious hanky panky, the works. Family involvement was key from both sides, as she's from our village... But it's doable.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

I can understand her parents' dilemma. I was blessed with healthy children, but all around me I see people who have special-needs children. I often wonder--what do you do as a parent, knowing that you'll be dead and gone in 20-30 years? Who will take care of my special-needs child when I'm gone? These parents must live a life of constant worry. 

Then one day, along comes a nice potential spouse who seems willing to take the reins. Your child is underage, but you'll do whatever you can to make sure the relationship will last. 

Good luck to you, Ella. It sounds like you're doing everything right to actively manage and cultivate your relationship.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

@Cooper- To be honest, I don't know all the details. I never asked them- nor did I care about the vetting process. Back when I was 16, I was actually offended that they'd invade my beloved's privacy like that, but now I understand why they did it, of course. So much could have gone wrong. I do know a few hired lawyers and PIs were involved. As to what, specifically, I did, I honestly don't know. They said "trolling" because my story about meeting my husband at 16 and marrying at 18, combined with my rather dramatic style of writing, meant that I couldn't possibly be telling the truth. I wasn't aware having an outrageous backstory was a bannable offense.

@john117: Aww, how lovely! I was hoping to hear similar stories to mine. I knew I couldn't be the only one. If I may ask, how are they doing now? are they still together? Any kids, etc?

@Tatsuhiko: Yes, that's pretty much exactly how it went. If my husband AND my parents die, I- and my family's inheritance- would go and live with my elderly aunt in the country. My parents did not think this one through, as my aunt is older than they are. They're having their will changed, though, now that I'm an adult, and I of course get much more say in whom I'd stay with under such tragic circumstances.


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> If my husband AND my parents die, I- and my family's inheritance- would go and live with my elderly aunt in the country. My parents did not think this one through, as my aunt is older than they are.


People don't die at the same age. Your aunt is or was their best choice for you in the event of their death, and as long as she's alive and in good health and in control of her mental faculties then there's no reason for her not to be tagged as your guardian in the event of their demise.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@EllaSuaveterre Don't worry! There are a lot of unbelievable stories here on TAM. 

I have difficulty believing *my* story. But I know it is all true, as I lived through the darn thing!


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> @EllaSuaveterre Don't worry! There are a lot of unbelievable stories here on TAM.
> 
> I have difficulty believing *my* story. But I know it is all true, as I lived through the darn thing!


 @MattMatt

How can you be sure this isn't all just a dream?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

caruso said:


> @MattMatt
> 
> How can you be sure this isn't all just a dream?


That's easy @caruso, I couldn't dream up someone as fascinating as you!


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

caruso said:


> How can you be sure this isn't all just a dream?



More like a recurring nightmare. 

One that won't stop. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Trying to understand WHY you would be banned from another forum.. over this story you are sharing ?? Were their heated exchanges or something ?

I know of a couple where she married at 16.. he was 24 at the time (or maybe 23)...they have 5 kids today, close knit family.. both wanted the same things... they did live in the same area though, no health issues or anything like that...

This is the phenomenal part of your story.. this man committing to you.. with the issues you have spoken here... Cerebral Palsy, an invalid ...and panic attacks ....how are you today?? Just imagining...health care is incredibly expensive in the united states.. even with Insurance.. if one has ongoing problems...this often overtakes a couple's life sucking every dime from them, then adding unthinkable debt ..... I see people having fund raisers just so they can pay their co-pays for cancer, thousands & thousands they do not have. 

Does your husband have any health issues himself.. what do you & he have in common ?? So the love is starting to wane...you want to shoot it some dopamine (always helps!)....what do you & he do for enjoyment.. how is the sex ?? 

You mentioned how your parents paid for his ticket over here & this is when he decided to give it a go.. and see what happens... I hate to ask this.. but are your parents wealthy by any chance?


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Trying to understand WHY you would be banned from another forum.. over this story you are sharing ?? Were their heated exchanges or something ?
> 
> I know of a couple where she married at 16.. he was 24 at the time (or maybe 23)...they have 5 kids today, close knit family.. both wanted the same things... they did live in the same area though, no health issues or anything like that...
> 
> ...


As to how I am, I'm okay. Better in some ways. I'm more functional with the anxiety and depression than I was. My cerebral palsy, however, is somehow worse at the moment, in spite of it not being a "progressive" disease as such. I still have occasional panic attacks and nightmares, but they are just that, occasional... not daily anymore. 

So far we haven't had enormous financial problems. My husband got a job working at my father's company. At first he worked directly for my father who was/is in upper management, and therefore my father controlled his salary and was more than able to furnish us with a good life. Now that my father is retiring he works for the CEO of the company. I fear sometimes that my husband's new boss might be less generous than my father was, but as I said so far we haven't had any issues. We're quite comfortable for now. 

I'm still under my father's health insurance, and will be for about 2 more years. We've begun saving up for the day I turn 26 and must buy my own insurance. I used to be very afraid of the day I'd have to come off my dad's insurance, but I'm more confident that we can find something affordable, which covers most- if not all- of the basic treatments I'll need. My husband tells me it won't be as awful as I've read about.


We have many interests in common, Mr. Suaveterre and I. He likes pretty much all the same movies and games I do, and since we're both extremely shy and introverted, we are each other's only real friends. He has work acquaintances and a few people we occasionally go out to bars with, but we haven't anyone close we would call true friends. As to the sex... well, to be honest, it's lacking. We were both virgins before marrying and I have medical issues which can make sex painful. I do have the higher sex drive, however. I can tell he finds me attractive, but when we do make love, 95% of the time I initiate it. Even after 5 years of marriage we have yet to learn how to truly pleasure each other, and have only just figured out the basic mechanics of the act.

As to my family's wealth... I don't know, to be honest. As a child, I never wanted for anything. I got whatever I asked for, but we didn't live in a mansion or anything. We didn't have hired help outside of a nurse for my grandmother and one for me. We didn't have a maid or a cook or a vacation home or anything you'd assume wealthy people would have. We lived in an ordinary middle-class neighborhood until I was 16 and my parents had finished paying off my medical bills. Then we were able to move into a much nicer home. My father tells me I will get a significant amount of money in an inheritance when he dies, but he refuses to tell me how much, not even an estimate.

P.S. I have NO IDEA why I was banned from Loveshack.org. I'm every bit as confused as you are.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

Cooper said:


> I say this because I'm guessing this guy must have a bit of White Night Syndrome to have married you, a young girl with disabilities and mental health issues, over time his need to protect and support you can easily turn into resentment, very typical progression in that kind of relationship.


I don't mind if he has White Knight Syndrome; I enjoy feeling protected and cared for. That said, what is this you mentioned about it growing into resentment? One of my worst fears is that he will grow to resent me because he has to look after me. There's not a lot I can do to prevent this except to shower him with affection and try to be as understanding as I can of his needs. You mentioned contribution, which is difficult because I cannot drive and my physical capabilities are not likely to get any better. Indeed, as I age, they may get worse. I'm not really sure. That said, after I graduate I do intend to look for work, either from home as an editor for an online publication, or at a call center, or- perhaps, only perhaps- in a brick and mortar business a an office. The latter doesn't seem likely as I'd need to pay for a cab twice a day and I'm not sure if Uber would devour my entire minimum-wage paycheck. Not even mentioning my anxiety of new, stressful, competitive environments.


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## SmittenKitten (Oct 4, 2016)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Trying to understand WHY you would be banned from another forum.. over this story you are sharing ?? Were their heated exchanges or something ?
> 
> I know of a couple where she married at 16.. he was 24 at the time (or maybe 23)...they have 5 kids today, close knit family.. both wanted the same things... they did live in the same area though, no health issues or anything like that...
> 
> ...


Member of the other site here. I recognize this story, though I never posted on her threads over there.

From what I saw over there, she posted too much personal information which led several posters to do some research on her. They found posts on multiple other websites that contradicted many of the things this poster was saying, which led most people over there to believe that she is not being truthful about some, if not all, aspects of her life. I believe this was reported to the moderators over there, which is what led to the ban.

I personally have no idea what the contradictory posts were as I didn't see them, but this story is quite unrealistic so I have trouble believing it.

OP, I wish you the best of luck. I will not be returning to this thread and I encourage everyone else to decide for themselves whether or not this poster is being honest about her life. 

My apologies if I offended anyone with this.


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