# BondingChemicals



## CobraRose (Aug 17, 2012)

Dear All,

I'm frustrated, and a little jaded. I've had a relationship that ended because of infidelity, and a newer one where the sex has started to wane.

There are some interesting and at the same time depressing books out there. Women's Infidelity by Michelle Langley is one. Sex at Dawn is another. They say that monogamy isn't natural, and on top of that ... that it is unlikely. I get that monogamy isn't entirely natural and is certainly challenged by life, but the unlikely part is depressing. 

On the other hand you have Dr. Helen Fisher, who believes that love can last in certain couples. 
___

What I want to know is how many couples out there believe that the woman's sex drive wanes, and then they either cheat or stay in but get aroused so slowly that it impacts the relationship? And on the other hand, how many people are living proof that love can last?

Bonus Question:

Langley and others believe the effects of bonding chemicals wane after 2-4 years. Wouldn't it stand to reason that a husband could incite a new wave of chemicals in a female that would span a bonus round of 4 years later in their relationship? Anyone have first hand experience with this one?

Thanks, 
CobraRose


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

From the things I have read on oxytocin is that as long as the couple keeps up doing the things that produce oxytocin they will stay strongly bond.

The problem is that people get complacent and lazy. They stop doing the necessary things and thus over time the bonding is lost.

That's a large part of that the MarriageBuilders approach is about... to keep up the bond. See the links below for buildings a passionate marriage.

The idea on whether or not humans are meant to be monogamous is also up for dispute. There is a lot of evidence that we are. But we also bond easily to a person of the other sex. The reason for the easy bonding is to keep us together as a society.

The human existence on has been plagued with plague, natural disasters and war. If we mated for life and could never attach to someone else what would happen to a society after something like a war, or say the black plague where huge portions of the population died off? 

Humans do best in monogamous relationships that raise children. Note that there is no society that has been successful that does not have a tight family structure. Even those societies that allow for polygamy have very strict rules on who has sexual access to whom. 

Some people seem to just know how to keep a marriage and love together. Others have to learn. And some just will never get it and/or do not care to learn.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

We just celebrated 40 years and we got married under less than ideal circumstances (16 & 17, she was pregnant). We are each other's only sex partner. Sure the sex is not always as exciting as the first time (with the exception of the sex we had about an hour ago ) but we have a strong emotional and sexual bond. In our experience the emotional bond comes from being best friends. Have you ever had to say good by to your best friend? It would tear us up to do that. To be sure, if the sexual connection was not there, our marriage would not last, but neither would it last if we were not best friends. 

Not scientific, just our experience.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Read this forum. There are just as many women who want their man to have sex more.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

I think in all relationships there will be times where everything is awesome and then some more dull periods of time. Novelty is essential I think too. Doing something new and different (not just when it comes to sex) keeps things fresh and exciting. You know when you first date someone and all the things you do with them are just so amazing at first....but keep doing those same things over and over and the excitement fizzles out.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

My wife and I have been together for 12 years.

During well over half of that 12 years we were sexually celibate. 

About 40% our relationship was spent long distance.

We would likely be considered attractive people, with plenty of options. 

We never cheated. In fact we took two breaks during those 12 years, before we were married, and we technically were allowed to see other people. Didn't happen.

We are bonded. Good times, bad times, tons of sex, no sex, together, apart, the bond never severed, wavered, or broke. We are extraordinarily connected spiritually, emotionally, and physically; first time we kissed it was literally as if the world stopped; we couldn't even walk straight. We were also very best friends for six years before we even got together.

I can't speak for anyone else, the books you read, or the theoretical chemical makeup behind attraction and love. I once had a woman tell me the feeling of being "in love" abates within the first year, and afterward it's basically friendship. I told her that my wife and I must then be very deluded. 

All I know is that we cherish our love story. It feels extraordinary and we try hard to not take it for granted. We are blessed to have one another.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

romantic_guy said:


> (with the exception of the sex we had about an hour ago )


Ditto! Must have been something in the water about an hour ago!

:smthumbup:


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## CobraRose (Aug 17, 2012)

Great responses from everyone. I really appreciate your openness and thoughts. 

I especially like the variety of stories and experiences. I know that life and relationships are not a one size fits all...and that's what I'm after to read and learn from the experiences of others. While I do wish to hear if people have views on chemical bonding, I very much appreciate views that seem to exist outside of that arena.

@EleGirl: What connection do you have to Marriage Builders? Is it a program you yourself have used?

Thanks!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

CobraRose said:


> Great responses from everyone. I really appreciate your openness and thoughts.
> 
> I especially like the variety of stories and experiences. I know that life and relationships are not a one size fits all...and that's what I'm after to read and learn from the experiences of others. While I do wish to hear if people have views on chemical bonding, I very much appreciate views that seem to exist outside of that arena.
> 
> ...


The only connection I have to MarriageBuilders is that I used it after I found out that my husband was cheating. My opinion is that it's very good. But like anything, the people involved have to be willing to do what needs to be done.

If I ever get married again I will insist that we go through their pre-marriage program with MB. I would not marry anyone who was not willing to do that.


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