# Am I losing it?



## Staci_stars (May 5, 2014)

Thanks to all who read and reply. 

Some days I feel as if I'm losing my mind. My wife and I have been married going on 5 years. this is both of our 2nd marriages. My first ending after 20+ years, hers was over 15 years.

When we met she was adamant about keeping me sexually satisfied. She was a little possessive, but I chalked it up to her being in bad relationships. She checked my phone, and still does.

In the last year she has become cold in the bedroom. I try and touch her and she acts like she is being touched by a stranger. I've talked to her about it and she always has a reason as why not to be intimate. Seems the only time she is, is when she wants something. She seems to be somewhere else. Yet she always tells me she loves me. I've asked if there is a medical reason that we cant, if so lets get it looked at

My first marriage ended because of infidelity. My ex cheated on me, my wife's marriage ended because she cheated on her husband. 

She has been talking with her ex (she says it all about the kids), I've talked to her about going back to her kids and ex. No she wants to be with me..smh

It is tough to be in a sexless and emotionless relationship. When I read about signs of unfaithfulness I see many of them, yet I'm not sure when she would have time, except for work.. anyways... comments?


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## TroyN (Jan 24, 2014)

I've been in your situation before...a completely sexless marriage...and it's is TERRIBLE. 

First question...and I'm not judging you...but why did you willingly marry someone who cheated on their husband? It seems to be common knowledge that past behaviors repeat themselves. 

but to your question….

Is there anyone at work or someone she is getting with on her lunch breaks? Do you know any of her co-workers?


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## Twistedheart (May 17, 2010)

Staci_stars said:


> She has been talking with her ex (she says it all about the kids)


Uh huh. There's your answer.


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## Staci_stars (May 5, 2014)

I didn't know about her affair until after we was married. She told me she moved on, but the marriage was over, come to find out it wasn't. As far as co-workers go, she rarely talks about the guys she works with and if I try and fish a little, she is always vague.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Hmm, her cheating should have been known to you before marriage. 

And thinking she has no time is just ignorance. 

Lay low, stop asking questions and keeps your eyes and ears open.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TroyN (Jan 24, 2014)

Staci_stars said:


> I didn't know about her affair until after we was married. She told me she moved on, but the marriage was over, come to find out it wasn't.


Not good. So she's sneaky, and hides things from you. 



Staci_stars said:


> As far as co-workers go, she rarely talks about the guys she works with and if I try and fish a little, she is always vague.


Not good. Do you have any kids with her?

Has she lost any weight recently or changed her appearance in any way? Grab her phone and take a peak if you get the chance (could be painful, but you need to rip the band-aid off).


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## Staci_stars (May 5, 2014)

We have no kids together. She is savvy. I looked at her phone, but she deletes her messages and phone record. I can access them online, so I know when she is texting/calling someone. she now has gone to snap chat, which leaves no trace of what or who they talk to.


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## TroyN (Jan 24, 2014)

Staci_stars said:


> We have no kids together. She is savvy. I looked at her phone, but she deletes her messages and phone record. I can access them online, so I know when she is texting/calling someone. she now has gone to snap chat, which leaves no trace of what or who they talk to.


Why on earth is a woman of that age on Snap Chat. I'm sorry, but this is not looking good AT ALL. She is playing you.

Be thankful you do not have children with her. If she initiates sex, do NOT give into her. I would follow her to work one day...


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## Staci_stars (May 5, 2014)

Troy, I'm thinking about that. Just show up unannounced for lunch and see what's up.


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## TroyN (Jan 24, 2014)

what is your gut here?

Sometimes, you just KNOW.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

I think that you've got two approaches to choose from.

1 - Educate yourself on the techniques and covertly monitor her. Spyware on her cell, VAR in her car, key-logger on her computer, GPS in her car/phone; even a PI if you can afford it. Keep reviewing her on-line phone information for numbers you don't know. Use a service to find them.

2 - Tell her that you are uncomfortable with her deleting of texts, the use of snap chat, and her lack of transparency - tell her these are red flags and you are especially concerned given her prior history and your prior experience with your first wife. Tell her there should be no secrets in a marriage and insist that she becomes transparent. But you *have* to give her a consequence if she doesn't comply.

The approach you use would depend on how strongly you believe that's she's cheating. The stronger you feel that she is, the more likely that #1 is the best approach. Otherwise #2 will just make her more careful and harder to catch if she is.

Me, I'd go with #1.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Deleting history, and using an untraceable messenger app... Pretty obvious she's hiding something, plus the history of cheating and sex(less) issues... Are you in an alimony State? No kids is awesome. Go 007 and get some solid proof before you confront, both for your own peace of mind and so she can't paint you as possessive / paranoid.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

badmemory said:


> I think that you've got two approaches to choose from.
> 
> 1 - Educate yourself on the techniques and covertly monitor her. Spyware on her cell, VAR in her car, key-logger on her computer, GPS in her car/phone; even a PI if you can afford it. Keep reviewing her on-line phone information for numbers you don't know. Use a service to find them.
> 
> ...


#1 all the way. There is no point in #2 unless you've already caught her via #1 and want to reconcile. The only time discussion #2 does any good is before you get married.


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## thebadguy (Dec 7, 2012)

badmemory said:


> I think that you've got two approaches to choose from.
> 
> 1 - Educate yourself on the techniques and covertly monitor her. Spyware on her cell, VAR in her car, key-logger on her computer, GPS in her car/phone; even a PI if you can afford it. Keep reviewing her on-line phone information for numbers you don't know. Use a service to find them.
> 
> ...


I think number two is a bad idea. All you will get from her in response IS number 2.

Number one on the other hand, is how you find out what is going on. If your wife is cheating, odds are pretty strong she will only be the one to tell you IF you use a voice activated recorder in her car for a couple weeks.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Put a key logger on the computer and a VAR in her car. When you check the phone bill are there common numbers being repeated way to many times?

Any new underwear, is she paying more attention as to how she looks?

I am betting something is up. Snapchat for an adult woman does not make any sense what so ever except to cover her tracks. I am a betting man and I would say this is going on for awhile


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## Staci_stars (May 5, 2014)

Thanks everyone. I will invest in some spyware. Troy my gut feeling is something is up. I can afford a PI. Might go that route also. her work is over an hour from home, so not just a get up go to kind of thing for me to do.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Staci_stars said:


> I didn't know about her affair until after we was married. She told me she moved on, but the marriage was over, come to find out it wasn't. As far as co-workers go, she rarely talks about the guys she works with and if I try and fish a little, she is always vague.


Huge red flags everywhere


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Staci_stars said:


> We have no kids together. She is savvy. I looked at her phone, but she deletes her messages and phone record. I can access them online, so I know when she is texting/calling someone. she now has gone to snap chat, which leaves no trace of what or who they talk to.


Double ding


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Man, do the work, find out the truth.
There're tools, ways to get it. Me more sneaky than her.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

One other thing to look for from the on-line cell records. Does she make a number of calls during her long commutes? To what numbers? How frequent?

With that long for her to drive every day, putting a VAR in her car should be a priority.


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## thebadguy (Dec 7, 2012)

badmemory said:


> With that long for her to drive every day, putting a VAR in her car should be a priority.


:iagree:

Also...if she and her ex are texting more than a few times a day "about the kids", then it isn't about the kids. That seems like the most likely possibility to me. Is he remarried?


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

badmemory said:


> Tell her that you are uncomfortable with her deleting of texts, the use of snap chat, and her lack of transparency - tell her these are red flags and you are especially concerned given her prior history and your prior experience with your first wife. Tell her there should be no secrets in a marriage and insist that she becomes transparent. But you *have* to give her a consequence if she doesn't comply.


Weak and ineffective. 

She doesn't give a rat's ass about how uncomfortable he feels or whether they are red flags.

Well she might care if they're red flags if she's having an affair and plans to keep on going. All it will do is drive her further underground.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

When she sleeps can you put something on her phone? 

That may get you some answers, and I do like the VAR in her car.

Is her ex remarried?

And secretive at work, you have many bad signs.

Hope it all works out for you.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Staci_stars said:


> Troy, I'm thinking about that. Just show up unannounced for lunch and see what's up.


Pick a day that she is all dolled up too, as it generally has the best chance of being her possible day with the OM.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Go back a few years and look at the call volume when did it pick up. As I mentioned there is no reason for snapchat except to cover the tracks of a cheater. Screw her up and start up a snap chat account and screw with her a bit. My wife also used online gaming sites to trade messages.

Since she is so far from home I would spring for the GPS for the car.


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## Staci_stars (May 5, 2014)

Her ex is not remarried. He still wants her. He just texted her before she left for work? smh


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Okay, the consensus it to monitor, so you have got some research and work to do.

You can get a lot of help here with that, but you need to get a VAR in her car yesterday. I'm confident that our spy guru, weightlifter, will be by to help you with the details. Otherwise you should PM him.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Staci_stars said:


> Her ex is not remarried. He still wants her. He just texted her before she left for work? smh


Well that is a big red flag. Try not to blow your top while you are doing your research, the VAR under the seat and a gps tracker on the car well tell you a great deal in a day or two.


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## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

Your marriage may seem to be sexless but it doesn't sound like it is emotionless. I know, as a man myself, how important sex is in our marriage relationship. It is not the same for women (not that it is unimportant). Communication is the most important aspect of successful give-and-take in marriage. Whatever the issue that is going on with your wife, she needs to know how you feel and that you need her to be on board with resolving the issue. Have you contacted a counselor yet? I have some articles I can share about communication if you are interested. They are written from a Christian perspective and you will have to send me a private message if interested. Hang in there - my thoughts and prayers are with you.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Staci

The signs she is showing are not good.

How old are you, your wife and her Ex?

How old are her kids and who has custody?

HM


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

WolverineFan said:


> Your marriage may seem to be sexless but it doesn't sound like it is emotionless. I know, as a man myself, how important sex is in our marriage relationship. It is not the same for women (not that it is unimportant). Communication is the most important aspect of successful give-and-take in marriage. Whatever the issue that is going on with your wife, she needs to know how you feel and that you need her to be on board with resolving the issue. Have you contacted a counselor yet? I have some articles I can share about communication if you are interested. They are written from a Christian perspective and you will have to send me a private message if interested. Hang in there - my thoughts and prayers are with you.


And none of this means diddly squat if the wife is having an affair with her ex husband. She is already a known cheater and cannot really be trusted.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Staci_stars said:


> Thanks to all who read and reply.
> 
> Some days I feel as if I'm losing my mind. My wife and I have been married going on 5 years. this is both of our 2nd marriages. My first ending after 20+ years, hers was over 15 years.
> 
> ...


Would you have advised a friend to marry your unfaithful ex-wife?

Do you think your current wife's ex-husband would have advised you to marry her?

But. Cheating is only one potential answer to why there's no sex. Menopause, other health problems?

Coouple's counselling might help.


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