# Do I give this guy a chance to redeem himself or not? Help?



## lululu (Nov 20, 2014)

Met this guy 2 days ago & we really made a connection. Have been talking heaps on phone & laughing. Haven't been on a date yet due to work schedules but he wants to meet.
He has a bit of a dark sense of humour which is fine but last night he sent this & I woke up to it this morning:

I am now home, & kids are in bed. I know it's a school night for you, so you could be in bed. I'm boiling the kettle now to make myself a cup of tea ( that's what old people do, don't they?). If you feel like chatting I'm available, have transferred all phone sex calls so that I won't be receiving any.

It's been 5 minutes, and I have had no response from you. 

Welcome now to the adventurous mind of Matt. You haven't responded to me because - 
1. Your asleep ( boring )
2. Your daughter is being difficult (boring, but necessary I suppose)
3. You have decided that a 6'3", 100kg (yes I am, I think?) deep voiced man with a 3 inch penis with a bend isn't for you and your ignoring me (possible)
4. Your in the shower washing your body slowly with soap and bubbles, paying special attention to ALL the beautiful curves that you have been blessed with ( give me a moment... ok, I'm good now ). 
5. Your out of the shower, standing in front of the mirror now, drying yourself with a very small towel. # Please refer to previous (4.) for remaining dialog#
6. Your having a bath... # Please refer to 4 & 5 and have a stab at what I would get you to refer to! 
7. Your asleep, but in silk sheets, naked. ( works better in my head!)
8. Your out with your boyfriend 
9. Your out with your girlfriend. # Only in my head of course, but if you could also add points 4, 5 & 6 to this one and just replace 'your' with 'we'.
10. Throwing a sicky tomorrow and your driving to my place now.
11. You have a double life as a secret agent and your out fighting the Chinese gangs that own the Gold Coast.
12. Your an employee working at a Russian call centre for 'bumble' and it's shift change!

Ok, I'm done now. Goodnight.

I responded with: Wow!! I just got up and see this from you.....I almost have no words Matthew....

This is way over the top. 

If you were trying to turn me off you and drive me away all you had to do was message me that you had changed your mind and were no longer interested. 

You honestly sound like a raving psycho and this I don't find funny and unsure how to process. 

If this is the real you then yeah lets just leave things here then and discontinue getting to know each other any further because this to me is not a match to my sense of humour.

I'm sorry I'm not sure what else to say to you right now other than you have me questioning your sanity to some degree and now I am a little scared.

He replied with: My apologies, wasn't intended to offend you. Sarcasm on my behalf was obviously way over the top and I have given you the wrong ideas about me. Unfortunately I broke one of my own rules about txting, and it has now turned around and bitten me. 

I am sorry, and I apologise again for my inappropriate message.

I replied with: If you knew how wonderful a lady I am you would be banging your head on the table right now for ****ing up a good thing.

He replies: I know your a wonderful lady, I'm not stupid. It was a joke, none of it was supposed to be taken seriously. 

I reply: That's a distasteful joke centred around sex and a woman. I don't know any guy that would send that to a woman he is trying to get to know......you didn't write that, it's a copy and paste. And guys wonder why they can't keep a ladies attention and then complain that their are no good women left in the world.......we exist I'm one of them but if I see "red flag" behavior then like most people I'm running for the hill. I can take jokes Matthew but this is not what you throw around to the woman your hoping to get a date with, it's not what you throw around when you want to be taken seriously. Right now I'm thinking your probably just some horny guy needing his sexual needs met and I was being lined up to fulfil that and nothing more...i felt a connection with you and now I'm just so disappointed. I don't know what to say.

He replied: It was supposed to be written off with, 'your an idiot, you have too much spare time on your hands, I'm asleep, I will talk to you tomorrow'. I was hoping that I might be able to catch you last night before you obviously went to bed. I have enjoyed talking with you every time that we have spoken on the phone and that was my only intention. I have never lined someone up just to fulfil some 'sexual need', I have more respect for women and myself. I am one of the most down to earth men you will ever meet, having dealt with more of the extreme highs and lows in life than the average person. I screwed up obviously, I apologise. I now have to go and deal with a 4 & 6 year old fighting over an empty cardboard box, not line up my next sexual conquest.

He admits it was wrong and inappropriate and I'm just wondering if I should put it down to one of those episodes of a male just not thinking.

We haven't been on a date yet. We started talking 3 days ago with some texting and a few phonecalls. He admittedly does have a dry dark sense of humour which for the most part I'm okay with but this was a little more than what I was prepared to accept however I believe after my stinging attack on him he now knows better.

I really like him and we connected really well over the phone talking and laughing and he does seem like a decent man for the most part. Should I continue to get to know him and just put this instance down to a male just not thinking. 

I'm thinking that perhaps because I laughed at his other jokes that maybe he didn't see this as a big deal and might have made the assumption that I would find it funny?? Thoughts?


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

The two of you don't sound compatible. It sounds like you would not care for his dark sense of humor long term.


Myself, that's some pretty twisted stuff and I dig it. It was self-depreciating tinged with a bit of creeper and a dash of absurdity. I'm sure that most women wouldn't care for it though.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

lululu said:


> Met this guy 2 days ago & we really made a connection. Have been talking heaps on phone & laughing. Haven't been on a date yet due to work schedules but he wants to meet.
> He has a bit of a dark sense of humour which is fine but last night he sent this & I woke up to it this morning:
> 
> I am now home, & kids are in bed. I know it's a school night for you, so you could be in bed. I'm boiling the kettle now to make myself a cup of tea ( that's what old people do, don't they?). If you feel like chatting I'm available, have transferred all phone sex calls so that I won't be receiving any.
> ...


I wouldn't go out with him on the basis that he's illiterate. Unless you're OK with a guy with no brain.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

He sent all that on a cell phone? And then you answered with long paragraphs? Really? That's a lot typing on a small device.

Don't "give him another chance", you don't get his sense of humor. 

The good thing is that you both found out quickly that you are not compatible.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

No.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Terrible way to get back to anyone. This guy needs to be thrown into a garbage can. No class whatsoever!


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## Townes (Jan 31, 2018)

I think it's pretty funny, personally. Honestly, I would advise him not to give you a second chance based on your reaction. Let the man find a woman that appreciates his sense of humor and playfulness.


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## lululu (Nov 20, 2014)

Dusty Dog: it was a copy and paste joke off the internet. He didn't type it just changed some things in it like his name and the suburb I live in.


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## lululu (Nov 20, 2014)

DustyDog said:


> lululu said:
> 
> 
> > Met this guy 2 days ago & we really made a connection. Have been talking heaps on phone & laughing. Haven't been on a date yet due to work schedules but he wants to meet.
> ...


It was a copy and paste joke off the internet. He didn't type it just changed some things in it like his name and the suburb I live in.


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## EasyPartner (Apr 7, 2014)

Do NOT give him another chance Lululu. There are plenty of single guys around without any sense of humour whatsoever.

Dear Matthew made an attempt to bring some levity in the courting process. Bad Matthew #metoo. And you made him apologize for it. Nice.

Let the poor man go.


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

I would be less fussed about the humor and more fussed about the sense of controlling. Avoid anyone that starts questioning you about what you are doing. It's a red flag.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

At this point in the relationship he is trying to impress you and this was him at his best trying to woo you. You now know how his brain works and you don't like it, I vote you walk away.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Yuck.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Obviously no second chance, when the first chance was so horribly destroyed.

What I don't get, is the long winded back and forth texting after the first one.......


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

If it was an original musing (maybe tone down the sex stuff) I would have gone on a date with him. I thought it was hilarious. 

However, since it was a cut and paste, I'd be turned off a bit. 

You two aren't compatible. Leave it be.

FWIW, I thought your response was over the top feminazi and I'm a woman!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*In tacit agreement with those who believe that you two are probably not all that socially compatible. But I really do believe that all that he was really trying to do was to impress you with his sense of humor and was not intentionally trying to harm or harass you by his humorously dark texts!

At best, agree to have one face to face date with him, say on neutral turf or just blow him off altogether as a dating prospect!*


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

No, this is not going to end well.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I mean, my husband/fiance/long term partner can send me a message like that and I'd laugh. But a man I'd only met two DAYS prior?? No buddy. Move along.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Lulu, i think you need to pull the plug on what ever this is....at the very least he sucks at reading you.


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## Ms. Hawaii (Mar 28, 2018)

lucy999 said:


> FWIW, I thought your response was over the top feminazi and I'm a woman!




Feminazi?? Lucy!! I hate that word but I have to agree with her, Lulu (btw I love your name). Your answer was WAY over the top. 

I’m currently single and I would have given the guy a chance to explain his joke. I wouldn’t have replied and teased him during our date to see what he says. 

I was neither offender nor amused by his joke. I would have just assumed that he was trying to unsuccessfully make me laugh. No biggie.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

@lululu, it was an attempt at humor. you didnt like it. you could have just told him that you didn't like that kind of humor and left it at that. if i were in his shoes, there is NO WAY IN HELL i would date you. not after the response you gave him. i certainly wouldn't be "banging my head against a table" because of messing up my chances with such a "nice lady". i would see you as stuck up and judgmental and i would steer clear.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

You have incompatible senses of humor. Not anyone's fault.

If you stay together If fear that you will feel constantly offended and / or he will fee like he is walking in a minefield worrying about saying something that will offend you.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Part of the problem giving him a second chance is now he can't relax and be himself, he's going to be on guard and selective with what he says. That's truly no way to start a relationship, you waiting to be offended again and him choosing his words so not to offend you, sounds like a lot of work trying to make yourselves into what the other wants.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

lululu said:


> It was a copy and paste joke off the internet. He didn't type it just changed some things in it like his name and the suburb I live in.


Gives support to my point. People who can't write, shouldn't quote others without quoting them. Basic literary sense.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Cooper said:


> Part of the problem giving him a second chance is now he can't relax and be himself, he's going to be on guard and selective with what he says. That's truly no way to start a relationship, you waiting to be offended again and him choosing his words so not to offend you, sounds like a lot of work trying to make yourselves into what the other wants.


I agree wholeheartedly with this.Frankly I thought the text was hilarious but the op doesn’t share his sense of humor,no harm no foul.
To the op though,maybe tone down the self praise a little,self praise is a sign of insecurity and a self absorbed person only sees other people’s faults,they are blind to their own.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Umm, you just told him he was despicable slime mold. How exactly are you going to ask him to try again?


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

I'd probably find myself incompatible with this man long-term based on his egregious misuse of the determiner "your." And then there's all that other weirdness.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

L - I bet this isn't something you are going to have to worry about because the odds are quite small that he'll contact you and ask you out again after your response to him. When I run into women that don't act nice and sweet to me (regardless of whether I said something stupid) I just stop pursuing them completely because any date after that point just wouldn't be fun and relaxed.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

It wan't me, boss.

It was not me....
I swear.

I swear. I shower alone and sing alone. 
I wear no pantyhose to bed, never share my dark thoughts with an e-male
Nor with a female.

He has too much time on his hands, and that is not soap on his knuckles.



Wait, what night was this?

The Host-


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## Imajerk17 (Apr 10, 2018)

As a guy I'm gonna give a dissenting opinion. It sounds to me that he was trying to be charming, seductive, cool, and in the process he ended up getting carried away and going WAY over the top. Yes that was a completely idiotic message for him to have sent. But that doesn't mean that he isn't still a good guy.

Did I read that his kids were staying over his place? That has to be a positive ledger towards him being sane-normal.


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## KungFuJoe (Apr 10, 2018)

What second chance? Lol...it's OVAH! Who is to say that guy wants to see YOU again? I certainly wouldn't want to see someone who shot me down in such a manner. Although, to be fair, I'd have never said anything like that to begin with...


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

lululu said:


> Met this guy 2 days ago & we really made a connection. Have been talking heaps on phone & laughing. Haven't been on a date yet due to work schedules but he wants to meet.
> He has a bit of a dark sense of humour which is fine but last night he sent this & I woke up to it this morning:
> 
> I am now home, & kids are in bed. I know it's a school night for you, so you could be in bed. I'm boiling the kettle now to make myself a cup of tea ( that's what old people do, don't they?). If you feel like chatting I'm available, have transferred all phone sex calls so that I won't be receiving any.
> ...


omg...

just realized that i know some MGTOW'ers that would LOVE this post to absolute bits. 

this stuff is like catnip to them.


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## limabeans (Sep 23, 2013)

Um, no. The sex stuff is so obviously GROSS coming from a person you have NEVER MET. It's not 'funny', it's just creepy.


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## limabeans (Sep 23, 2013)

frusdil said:


> I mean, my husband/fiance/long term partner can send me a message like that and I'd laugh. But a man I'd only met two DAYS prior?? No buddy. Move along.


This. There's a giant difference between a guy you're actually dating/sleeping with vs. some guy you have never even met when it comes to lengthy texts about your 'naked body' blah blah. I can't believe it's necessary to point that out.

And trotting out the 'oh, you have no sense of humor' gaslight phrase is lame. 

(Also weird to demand a response within a timeframe - big red flag.)

Besides the fact that the dumbsh*t doesn't know the difference between 'your' and 'you're.'


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## georgieporgie (Apr 15, 2018)

So OP, you started off confused: to dump or not to dump? Now, 50% of replies advise dump, 50% say don't dump. Are you any clearer?

Its true he was just trying to make a joke, but the way he jokes reflects the way he thinks. Then again most men aren't immune to thinking about that type of thing, just that most would hide it. Whether you view hiding it as a sign of class, or whether you view not hiding it as a sign of honesty, is up to you.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Dear lululu;

""Do I give this guy a chance to redeem himself or not?" 

My advice to him would be based on what you said, if you give him another chance, I would tell him to thank you politely but say he is too busy to see you and never talk to you again.

Yes, his response or communication with you was inappropriate, but your response back, in my opinion, was also very wrong for anything but permanently ending any kind of relationship. If you didn't want to end it permanently, you should have chosen your words more carefully. 

It is not "he" who would be getting a chance at redemption, it would be both of you.

You might want to read the Gottman's Book the Art and Science of Love, especially the part about the 4 horsemen. 

Find someone else, but work on yourself first.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

So you decide from his message that you two are incompatible. He's shown you who he is, or at least, how he is content representing himself, and you don't enjoy it. Perfectly fair. I agree that he was either testing your sexual boundaries for quick conquest, or exercising extremely poor judgement.

But then you launch into a long diatribe in which you try to teach him how (not) to text a woman. It's not your responsibility to improve his dating skills. In fact, I'd argue that you are just teaching him how to deceive you, or the next women, better.

Now you are asking for advice on if you should fall for the deceit you JUST TAUGHT HIM? You've just completely removed your ability to determine if he realizes he was using poor judgement or really was just testing your boundaries.


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## 23cm (Dec 3, 2016)

What do you suppose YOU could have done to lead him to believe this would have been a cool/chill/acceptable approach? Must have been something. 

We show people how we wish to be treated...unless they're addicts, alcoholics or wackos. 

Did you forget your sign?


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

OP, get over yourself!


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

I don’t see this a “his sense of humor” at all.

This guy was trolling for sexting and if you weren’t game and called him out, he could brush it off by calling it a “joke.”

I would delete his contact info and block him.

Unless you’re up for late night sexting and not interested in finding a respectful quality guy.


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## kekkek (Apr 5, 2018)

I definitely would not be interested in someone who typed "your" instead of "you're" not once, but fifteen or so times. That is illiteracy, not humor.

I don't think the OP was a "feminazi" for calling him out. Yes, it is much more creepy than funny to be talking about someone being naked that you have never met. That said, his behavior was more awkward than criminal. But I don't think the OP needs to give a second chance, because, like others have said, the odds of these two being compatible given their different tastes are miniscule.


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## Hopeless13+ (Apr 21, 2018)

Please, tell me you didn't give him a second chance!


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Hopeless13+ said:


> Please, tell me you didn't give him a second chance!


If she offered it I doubt he would take it.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Not compatible. 


End of story.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

The part I found the funniest was this. 

"and just put this instance down to a male just not thinking."

There are times that males don't think and say dumb ****. The same thing goes for women.

There are times when males "do think" They are called calculating. This isn't a compliment by any stretch of the imagination. The same most definitely goes for women as well. The tone of her overall post makes me think she is part of the later category.

The two of them are not compatible in a very huge way. I also think the OP should get a big bucket of, get over herself.


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