# boundaries



## INTUITION (Sep 29, 2009)

after working yesterday i called my fiance who was off yesterday and home to tell him i was making a stop and i would be a little late. he asks if i would be long i told him not very long. about an hour later on my way home i called again to tell him i was on my way this is when he informed me his friend had stopped by . his friend is a female and i have met her previously. when i got home there they were sitting , talking listening to music. As for me I am not comfortable with this another woman in my house with my man when i am not home. i went along with it just not to jump to conclusions. i do think my man is better than to bring someone whom he is having relations with to our home. however i feel as though he has crossed boundaries. i am ready to leave today no woman in my home when i am not home can't get with it do you think i am being jealous?


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

The first thing to do is talk to him and tell him how it makes you feel.

Before being engaged, when you and he were dating, was it normal for him to spend time alone with this friend? How old is their friendship? Or is this a new thing for him?


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## INTUITION (Sep 29, 2009)

He never had her or any other woman over that i know of when i was not there. He and i had this conversation before and he always say i don't trust him , he doesn't see my point of it all he doesn't know its a woman thing .


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

What I was suggesting was that if this was a long-standing friend who he has been spending time with for years, it would be unreasonable for you to ask him to change his behavior.

BUT - if this wasn't part of the package you signed up for I totally agree with you. I don't think he gets to invite "girlfriends" over when you aren't home. They can go to lunch or dinner together - but being home alone together seems a bit convenient.


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## INTUITION (Sep 29, 2009)

exactly now he has known her for quite some time now before i have known him. i understand he had friends before me but i feel it is a bit disrespectful to be chilling in the house with her when i am not home. i am not insecure or jealous it is the point of the matter for me. and he should have more respect for our relationship than that. i know he will say i don't trust him but for me it is not about trusting him it just doesn't feel good for me and i can not live the rest of my life doing this. this is more single man actions not engaged man actions.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

You are 100 percent right about this. If he thinks that is too big a sacrifice to be married he isn't grown up enough to be married. 

I would never have another woman - non relative - in the house when my wife is out. 




INTUITION said:


> after working yesterday i called my fiance who was off yesterday and home to tell him i was making a stop and i would be a little late. he asks if i would be long i told him not very long. about an hour later on my way home i called again to tell him i was on my way this is when he informed me his friend had stopped by . his friend is a female and i have met her previously. when i got home there they were sitting , talking listening to music. As for me I am not comfortable with this another woman in my house with my man when i am not home. i went along with it just not to jump to conclusions. i do think my man is better than to bring someone whom he is having relations with to our home. however i feel as though he has crossed boundaries. i am ready to leave today no woman in my home when i am not home can't get with it do you think i am being jealous?


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## Alexandra (Jan 9, 2010)

Not sure if I can post in the Men's Clubhouse without getting hissed at ;-)

If you can talk to him without getting upset and accusing him of cheating, then go for it. The key is not to accuse him or leave him thinking that this "rule" is to stop him from messing around. It's simply a respect thing between you and him. 

You are uncomfortable by this woman in your house with your man when you're not around. Totally understandable. Does he respect those feelings or not? It's not about you trusting him, it's about him respecting you. But really try to say that nicely!!!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Alex,
You are very tactful. I think that is a nice way to say it. And I also think that to help the message go down smoothly she should mention that the same rule applies to her in reverse. And if he says he doesn't mind her having men over when he is out. That is fine - but she won't anyway and it doesn't change her view of him having women over. 




Alexandra said:


> Not sure if I can post in the Men's Clubhouse without getting hissed at ;-)
> 
> If you can talk to him without getting upset and accusing him of cheating, then go for it. The key is not to accuse him or leave him thinking that this "rule" is to stop him from messing around. It's simply a respect thing between you and him.
> 
> You are uncomfortable by this woman in your house with your man when you're not around. Totally understandable. Does he respect those feelings or not? It's not about you trusting him, it's about him respecting you. But really try to say that nicely!!!


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

I don't know what to make of your comment. We used to live a few houses down from another family at church, and sometimes when I was walking the dog I would stop by to say hello. More than once the only person home was the wife, and sometimes she'd make me a cup of tea and our dog would play with their dog in the yard and we'd shoot the breeze for a little while. Neither my wife nor her husband seemed the least bothered by it.

A couple I know had a female neighbor (divorced and no kids) who "dropped by" to borrow a cup of sugar or ask for help opening a jar and so on, nearly always when the husband was there by himself. In the summer, she sometimes showed up in a bikini. When the wife found this out, she set a rule that the neighbor lady could no longer come inside the house if she wasn't there. Open the jar out on the porch. (Her husband was relieved, because he didn't want to be rude. Now he had cover: "Louise gets kinda jealous, so you probably shouldn't come in while she's gone.")

She wasn't dressed in a particularly alluring way, or acting in such a way, or anything, was she?

Maybe this is a "fiance" thing, and once you've been married for a while you'll settle down a bit. And I understand the unspecific but very real sense of jealousy you might get when another woman is alone with _your_ man. But surely it's a poorer world if people can't just set a spell with their friends and chat?


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

Would you be ok if they went for a drink or to get dinner to catch up...or is it a "he can't be alone with another woman ever again" kind of thing?


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## Andre2000 (Jul 2, 2009)

MEM11363 said:


> I would never have another woman - non relative - in the house when my wife is out.



This is how I acted and then I was the one that got cheated on...why is it now that when I think of acting like this it makes me want to barf. 

I say, let him bring her over. If he screws her, its on his conscious. If it were the other way around, it would be acceptable and you would be called a jealous, controlling husband by pretty much everyone here. The overwelming advice would be to "give her space"...

So give HIM space.


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## BRK123108 (Jan 15, 2010)

I don't think you are jealous. But I am not sure he crossed a boundary if he didn't know it was a boundary. I do agree that that a married person should not be alone with someone of the opposite sex EVER. But I think he deserves to be informed how you feel though.


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

Why can't a married person be alone with a person of the opposite sex EVER? Are our spouses so untrustworthy (if they have no past to cause the issue) that we can't expect them not to drag the other person off to the the nearest corner? If it becomes all the time...or they start acting strange that's different. But to say...I know you have "George" as a friend since you were in Kindergarten, but you are no longer allowed to spend time alone with him - is really a fair way to look at things?


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## Andre2000 (Jul 2, 2009)

I was being sarcastic. I don't like this society I live in. Of course there is something wrong! Jesus.

This society demands that men and women are all the same and to ignore people's sex. Well...people cheat under this guise. If you really wanted to hang out with the opposite sex, you'd wait for your spouse if you truly cared for your spouse. 

And if your spouse hangs out with the opposite sex alone when you are not there, you should have every right to act jealous and not have the world come down on you for it. It's our biological right to enforce and secure our exclusive sexual access to our spouses.

@INTUITION
I would actually find it hot if my partner told me she didn't like another girl hanging around me when she was not around. It's just not fair that as a man, I'm not "allowed" to do that in this society. I hate it. I feel like moving to some country where it is acceptable for me to act male, not only acceptable, but encouraged. Where MEN appreciate their WOMEN, and WOMEN appreciate their MEN.


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## INTUITION (Sep 29, 2009)

TNgirl232 said:


> Would you be ok if they went for a drink or to get dinner to catch up...or is it a "he can't be alone with another woman ever again" kind of thing?


i have no problem with him going out with his female friends and catching up and having drinks, some times i even go out with them as well. i just believe that to be at my home when i am not there with my fiance is totoally disrespectful to me as a woman and as his fiance . my home my man


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## INTUITION (Sep 29, 2009)

we've had that conversation and he doesn't seem to understand how i feel about it and he doesn't appear to be willing to make the sacrifice and not do it. this is a deal breaker for me I will not live the rest of my life with someone who doesn't take my feelings into consideration and is willing to make a sacrifice for the good of the relationship. so painfully i guess this is the end of our road together.


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## CaliRN (Jan 2, 2010)

i could see the disrespect of what he did, if the roles were reversed i would be upset. if its a one time incident get mad, let him now how u feel, and get over it. if he continues to do it then something is up, or he has no respect for u and ur place


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

INTUITION said:


> after working yesterday i called my fiance who was off yesterday and home to tell him i was making a stop and i would be a little late. he asks if i would be long i told him not very long. about an hour later on my way home i called again to tell him i was on my way


You called him three times in one night to tell him you were coming home? 

This sounds like something i used to do, and so i think you have issues. i think it would be sufficient to tell him you were going to be late and leave it at that. it does sound like you are insecure and probably controlling.

So i think the girl issue is just another manifestation of your insecurities. It may or may not be wrong for the girl to be there when you arent home, but either way you do have other issues going on.


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## dwaynewilliams (Feb 1, 2010)

BRK123108 said:


> I don't think you are jealous. But I am not sure he crossed a boundary if he didn't know it was a boundary. I do agree that a married person should not be alone with someone of the opposite sex EVER. But I think he deserves to be informed how you feel though.


Come on. Now I know that us guys have to stick together, but we can't show ourselves to be oblivious to obvious wrongdoings. That guy knows just like every other guy knows that you can't get comfortable with another woman on your sofa while you wife is away. The fact that he didn't tell his woman beforehand that he was inviting this "friend" over is suspicious. Then he asked his woman what time was she going to be home is also suspicious. And even if he couldn't figure out that his woman was going to have a problem with the situation, if the girl he was with was a true friend, she would have told him that the situation was inappropriate. She didn't say anything because she didn't want to. She knew it was going to be a problem. He is lucky that it wasn't my wife because she would have pulled an Elin Woods.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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