# Feeling like a fool



## stayingtrue (Feb 19, 2010)

Let me start by saying, my wife and I have been married for 12 years and together for over 22 years. The last few years we have been going thru what I call a dry spell. We both gained a lot of weight and we would go to work and stay home watch movies hardly go out or anything. Of course this also applied to the sex life, almost none existent. Well for the last year my wife has gone threw some changes, she joined a weight lost clinic and has lost a lot of weight; she also has started to dress a little sexier and at time’s a lot sexier. I have encouraged it all because she was starting to feel better about her self, then back in late November she started asking to go out with some girlfriends. I knew them and thought sure I will stay home watch the kids and you go have fun, (she was also starting to show signs of excitement in the bedroom) this happened for about 5 Saturday’s not in a row but almost every other. Anyway she would come home drunk and one time she was DD and came home sober but still in a good mood. But one Saturday in early January she came home and slept down stairs on the couch, She was hung over most of the day. Long story short two weeks later I get a call from my nephew saying that she went home with some guy we all know that night after the bar. I get home confront her she denys it and then later after admits to it but claims she only maid out no sex. She was unhappy and wanted out. Then we started the ball rolling to separate, and started talking one thing lead too another and we decided to try and work it out. Then a week goes by and I find on her computer that she has been talking to men that she met online threw ADULT-dating sites (Ashley Madison). I should say that for years my wife was a prude, she will not look at nudity talk about sex anything like that, would talk down about women who were sexual and show it, so when I found this, I was shocked again. Of course when I confronted here on this she back pedaled and said it was before then I was just curious, that sort of stuff. So after days of talking we decided to try and keep working things out, at this point I asked for complete honesty and offered for us try what ever she needed to find what she was getting from talking to these men. A few days later I find that she was on other sites ( Adultfreindfinder ) and find she has like three or four secret emails. Know again we talk she claims she has not cheated or met any of these men but what too believe. She claims that she closed the accounts on the websites and that she is not using the emails but when I asked for passwords and to see the emails she got very angry and said that I would misunderstand what I would read. After going down stairs and coming back she had opened one up and of course deleted stuff and said go ahead and look. Then I find out that one of the guys that she has talked too for about a week or so she know calls a friend and gave him here real name and put him on facebook. Am I just being a fool for staying and trying to believe her or am I doing the right thing. I am lost and getting more confused every day?

Any input from Men or Women would be appreciated. 

Thanks


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

stayingtrue said:


> Am I just being a fool for staying and trying to believe her or am I doing the right thing. I am lost and getting more confused every day?


You wife is having a affair(s), hence:

No - you are not being a fool. You are being quite normal. It's not foolish to stay and try to work things out. However - you do need to quit believing what she says. 

A lot of people will claim your wife is a 'serial' cheater. I disagree ahead of time - what this looks like is a single extended problem that has been running in your marriage for some time.

The first thing to do is to determine whether you want to save your marriage or not. I recommend that you do try - do all you can. 

Second - _realize that you cannot change your wife_ - she has to want to change.

Third, if you do decide to work it out - sit down with your wife and find out if she is willing. If she says she is, then you must do the following: ask for all passwords, email logins, and phone records. Ask for complete openness. If your wife truly desires to work on your marriage, she will let you have complete access to her 'private' (actually 'secret') life. 

_If she does not_, then you must assume your wife intends to continue in her affair(s). If so, the best thing to do is demand that at the very least she move out of your room - the best thing would be for her to move out of the house. Let her continue the affair - but without your support!

You have work to do.

First things first, however. Turn off the internet. Stop the cell phone. Cancel credit cards. Take her name off the bank account. Remove all the normal means for her to have easy access to her affair. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. Let HER fund her own bad business. Have NOTHING to do with it.

Again - if your wife truly wants to work on it, she will be open, honest and willing to do anything to fix your marriage.

But....

When you say you have 'worked on it' - what exactly have you done?

Some information on what works.

Here's some more.


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## stayingtrue (Feb 19, 2010)

Thanks for the help and I will try some of this


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## stayingtrue (Feb 19, 2010)

Thanks, I know there is more then what she is giving me? but if I go back the only time she has had to be with someone else, is the few nights that she went out. So it is hard not believing her but after reading more on here there is more going on that is for sure.

Thanks for you input


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## chingacook (Feb 28, 2010)

Your wife is DEFINITELY having an affair! Make no mistake about it. Trust me, I know. I have use Ashley Madison on and off for a while now, and have been having an affair with the same woman now for 2 yrs. Both of us are married, but we REALLY enjoy our time together. I don't have any real marriage advice, other than to say, find what works for the both of you and focus on that. It takes years for the marriage to fall apart, so don't expect it to get better in just a few days. This will also take time. Now that the pressure for sex is off my wife, our marriage has improved greatly. As a matter of fact so has our sex life, but no where near the unbridled sex I have in the affair. For those who say Ashley Madison ruins marriages, I say your wrong...it has helped mine. I know one day when I'm older and the sex drive is gone,me and my wife will be the perfect couple to grow old together.


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