# Trouble with the In-Laws/Holiday Plans



## Stars54 (Jul 23, 2013)

My husband and I have only been married 3 years, together for over a decade, and recently went through a very rocky time. We were considering separation/divorce for a bit but we ultimately decided we were in this for good and we worked on a variety of issues (we seemed to butt heads on many things, some of which weren't even related to our marriage but more just out of individual dissatisfaction with life in general). We went to see a therapist, which also helped. We did a lot of work as individuals, as well as together as a couple, and things have improved and are continuing to improve. I personally feel much stronger and secure than I did even just a few months ago. I feel I have done a lot of work on myself and am continuing to do so, and continuing to grow as a person. Despite many improvements and things going fairly well between the two of us, one issue that seems the most difficult to improve is that of my in-laws. 

We live far away from them so it is not a regular issue for us, however the distance almost gives us a false sense of security because things are fine between us when they are out of sight/out of mind, but when they come up in conversation or are literally coming to our area, that's when the you-know-what hits the fan. We will be getting along just fine and things will be going great, but tension and stress arise as soon as the in-laws enter the picture in any way. We don't necessarily have a fight, per say, but it definitely causes tension, stress, and a distance between my husband and I. Then I feel not as close to him, and angry with my in-laws for causing a rift in our marriage. I used to get very emotional, yell, get upset, etc. but I have become much more calm and rational, take more responsibility for my feelings, and am better able to communicate than I used to be (though my husband still tends to get upset, raise his voice, show frustration, shut down, etc). I simply do not like his family...I know that sounds bad, and they are not bad people, but we just do not mix. His family and I have very different backgrounds, very different interests, values, beliefs, etc. We are basically oil and water. It's not that any of us are bad people, we just don't get along. They do little things that irritate me, insult me, and I get the sense I am not their favorite person either. 

My husband, understandably, loves them very much and I do not want to prevent him from seeing them...however I just don't want to take part in it myself because I hate how I feel when I am around them. I realize this is my issue, not my husband's, and I would rather choose to not be around his family while fully supporting him visiting with them. The problem comes in when it's a special occasion, like the holidays, when I want to be with my husband and he wants to be with his family. Because we live so far away we are already trying to work out holiday plans to visit family this winter (our families live only about 10 minutes apart so we will go back together to see them). Because he wants to be with his family and I want to be with mine, we have decided it is best to split up so that we both visit our own families as we wish (we will visit with each other's family, too, but we will stay with our respective families).

The reason for my post today, and the thing that truly concerns me, is that if all goes well in our marriage and we continue to work on ourselves and on our relationship, we would like to start a family in the next year or so, after some more work has been done to ensure we can provide a stable environment for children. Part of that stable environment, I believe, is for kids to be with both mom and dad, so once they are in the picture I don't think this whole "splitting up and visiting our families separately" thing is going to work. I feel his mother in particular is extremely selfish and manipulative, and constantly starts drama to get her way. I have chosen to deal with this by simply not being part of the situation, as I've said, but once there are grandchildren for her, as the future-mom of those future-kids I am obviously going to have to deal with her and see her more. I would never prevent her from seeing her grandchildren and have no doubt she would love them very much, however because it's already so difficult to work out seeing our families when it's just the 2 of us, I cannot imagine how difficult it would be to divide up time once splitting up to see them separately isn't very realistic. It is so hard being from the same home town...people tell us we are lucky, but my husband and I agree that it would be so much easier if our families lived in different states..that way we could say we are going to X for Thanksgiving and going to Y for Christmas. But when they're only 10 minutes apart from each other, I want to be with my family and he wants to be with his. I feel I have been very fair in making sacrifices and compromises over the years to accommodate time with his family (he has done the same), but it is just SUCH an ordeal...does anyone have any advice at all on how to make this less stressful? We are at the point where we almost don't want to go back at all (and we didn't last year), which makes me sad to think I'd miss seeing my family again at the holidays just because it's too difficult to work out in our relationship. 

Any advice is greatly appreciated. I have read a lot about this and tried various solutions, but nothing has worked for us in the past (the last time we went back 2 years ago we agreed to stay with his family 5 days and mine the following 5 days...it didn't work at all because being just 10 minutes apart, when my parents were off from work I wanted to see them and that fell within the days we were with his family, and when we were with my family his mom would text him and want to see him and he'd want to go back to their house 10 mins down the road, so we definitely didn't stick to our original agreement because there were too many moving parts). I'm hoping that by doing more brain storming and communicating over the next 5 months, we can have a somewhat less-stressed holiday visit back with our families, and at least a general idea of what we can do to NOT have to visit separately once there are children involved.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

My parents and in-laws are all gone now but for decades when my ex-husband and I traveled back to where they lived (and they were about ten minutes apart from each other too) we took turns staying together with one set of parents and visiting the other set. So, mornings with the ones we were staying with and afternoons/evenings with the ones we weren't staying with. We were careful to balance out the time and it worked out pretty well.


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## Stars54 (Jul 23, 2013)

Thanks, Openminded - perhaps splitting up times of the day, rather than the days themselves, may work. I will throw that idea out there to the hubby. I appreciate the suggestion


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Stars54 said:


> The reason for my post today, and the thing that truly concerns me, is that if all goes well in our marriage and we continue to work on ourselves and on our relationship, we would like to start a family in the next year or so, after some more work has been done to ensure we can provide a stable environment for children. Part of that stable environment, I believe, is for kids to be with both mom and dad, so once they are in the picture I don't think this whole "splitting up and visiting our families separately" thing is going to work.


Stars, your question would be much easier to answer if you broke your post up into paragraphs. A whole wall of text is hard to follow. 

But anyway, after having children, why wouldn't visiting parents separately continue to work? It would only be for holidays, it's not like you and your husband will be living separately all year around. I guess I don't really understand what your concerns are with this. Sure, your children won't see you together at the same time with your in-laws (and same for their father). But what is the problem with that, unless you can't trust your husband to take the children alone?


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## Stars54 (Jul 23, 2013)

Theseus, I apologize for the long text. I didn't realize how long it actually was until after I posted it.

I always grew up visiting my grandparents with both my parents, and I ideally would want the same for my kids, so that we were doing things and visiting relatives together as a family. I am not opposed to my husband taking the kids to visit his family without me, however I am concerned about how to divide the time fairly between his family and mine because we already have such a difficult time doing so without any kids. Even when we were living in the same state as our families, we had a difficult time with this and I feel it has only gotten harder as the years have gone on.

For example, our last Christmas in-state, we agreed we would spend Christmas morning with my family, and then go to his family's house in the afternoon. We had clearly explained our plans to his family and they knew they could expect us around, say, 1 PM. During the morning, while we were with my family, his mom called him and said she wanted him to come over right then because his grandmother was at their house and she wanted him to see her. This upset me because we had already had a visit with his grandmother, but we went anyway, rushing out of my parent's house to get to his...only to find his mom leaving with his grandmother when we arrived. I felt she was just trying to get us to her place and away from my family. The most recent visit we had there, we left our 5 days with his family and were about to go stay with mine for 5 days when his mom suggested "you know, you 2 should really take a few days to go do something just yourselves." I was insulted that she would make such a suggestion only when she knew we had stayed our 5 days with her and were en route to my family. I have just always felt she tries to hog us, and she has demonstrated irrational jealousy when her son is with my family (even whines and says things like _but I want to see you_ in a whiny voice..very immature.

For these reasons, I feel that although I can deal with this now by ignoring it/choosing to not be a part of it, I am stressed to think of how it will be if she tries to hog our future children. I obviously will do my best to split time between her and my parents evenly so that our kids spend time with both sets of grandparents, but I still think it is going to be a challenge with her constant pull making it overly stressful.

My husband is pretty good about being firm with her and telling her our plans and letting her know we're going to do what we're going to do, but he feels guilty which is something he has to work on. It's hard for him to work on his issue of feeling guilt when she is constantly tugging at him, planting seeds in his mind to manipulate and get her way, etc. She has been known to send him emails saying nasty things about me, but in a polite way, to make herself out to be a victim and me out to be the bad guy, to get him to sympathize with her..this is negative for our marriage (she sent him an email telling him she feels "queezy" when she thinks of us visiting because it's so hard for her having him 10 minutes away and not be with him..even though we spend more time with her than we do my own parents because his mom doesn't work and my parents both work a lot of hours). She really lays the guilty-trip on thick, and I can see this amplifying with the grand kids she's already begging to have...


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> My husband is pretty good about being firm with her and telling her our plans and letting her know we're going to do what we're going to do, but he feels guilty which is something he has to work on. It's hard for him to work on his issue of feeling guilt when she is constantly tugging at him, planting seeds in his mind to manipulate and get her way, etc. She has been known to send him emails saying nasty things about me, but in a polite way, to make herself out to be a victim and me out to be the bad guy, to get him to sympathize with her..this is negative for our marriage (she sent him an email telling him she feels "queezy" when she thinks of us visiting because it's so hard for her having him 10 minutes away and not be with him..even though we spend more time with her than we do my own parents because his mom doesn't work and my parents both work a lot of hours). She really lays the guilty-trip on thick, and I can see this amplifying with the grand kids she's already begging to have...


The only way anything is going to work is if you and your husband are on the same page with whatever you decide to do. Unless he gets his guilt feelings under control, you can try everything and nothing will change about this dynamic.

Why does he allow her to make him feel guilty? Why does he take on the guilt? For moving away? For getting married? Is she single - does he feel he abandoned her? He needs to work through whatever it is that he thinks merits his mother's guilt trip.

Since your parents and his parent live only ten minutes apart, do you ever get together as an extended family including both sets of in-laws? Maybe if they got to know each other, his mom wouldn't feel so threatened and like she's losing her son and your husband wouldn't feel so guilty for leaving his mother.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You say that it's hard when you are at his parents house because you want to spend time with your parents. An example you gave was when your parents were off work for a few days.

How is this any different from your husband wanting to spend time with his family and his family wanting to spend time with him?

I get the impression that your husband complains a lot less about seeing your family than you complain about his.


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## Stars54 (Jul 23, 2013)

Thank you, norajane...very good points. Many years ago my husband went to individual therapy to work on issues with his mother. During this time he realized he was feeling guilty because she had an inappropriately close relationship with her sons because her husband was away all the time for work. So she used her sons more like companions, and my husband in particular felt responsible for her happiness. He worked through many of those issues and has come a long way since then in that he now tells her our plans rather than going along with whatever she wants, but she still makes this difficult by adding her manipulative comments and such. I think it's also a combination of him also desiring to be with his family since we now live so far, which is a battle between him and I because I want to be with mine for the same reason.

I like your idea of getting everyone all together at the same time. When we had a house back there, we did this a few times in which we hosted both our families at our house and to be honest that was awesome. I loved having everyone together at once. Now that we don't have our place there anymore, I feel like we are always choosing between his parent's turf or mine. My mom invited them to their house for Christmas last time we were back but they declined because they always stay in on Christmas Day. I love this idea, though, and you've got me thinking...maybe I will try to plan a get together of some sort where we can all be together under one roof, even if it's at a restaurant or something. That's when I am happiest. Thanks again, I appreciate it.


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## Stars54 (Jul 23, 2013)

EleGirl, that is the problem...we both want to see our respective families. His parents don't work so they are always around, whereas my parents work all the time and have limited time to spend with us...therefore when my parents ARE off work, I would want to use those days to spend with them rather than with his family whom we could see any other time during our visit because they are always home.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Stars54 said:


> EleGirl, that is the problem...we both want to see our respective families. His parents don't work so they are always around, whereas my parents work all the time and have limited time to spend with us...therefore when my parents ARE off work, I would want to use those days to spend with them rather than with his family whom we could see any other time during our visit because they are always home.


The solution to this seems easy. Stay with your family when they are off work. Stay with his when your family is working.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Perhaps you both should mature a bit more before having kids.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

i hate my in laws with the passion of 1 million fiery suns. my wife can hardley stand them either. i can actually look at my wife and say your mother is the most worthless pos on the planet and she will be like yep thats her..............................................................................................................................................................but wait for it wait for it i go to family holidays and birthday that sorta crap and dont complain at all thats what good spouses do. we spend more holiday time with her family that we dislike and less with mine that we both love.

her mom doesnt works and both my parents do. so the work excuse and not seeing them as much is just that an EXCUSE!


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## Stars54 (Jul 23, 2013)

WorkingOnMe, we are continuing to work on ourselves both individually as well as grow in our marriage before having children, as I mentioned. I am simply looking ahead to the future in an attempt to address potential issues in advance of kids coming to fruition.

Terrence, I'm sorry to hear about your in-laws. I wouldn't say I hate my in-laws, but they are certainly a challenge. I agree, good spouses should go along for holidays, birthdays, etc. We did this quite a bit when living close to our families. We will certainly make a point to visit each other's families this holiday season as well, even if we stay separately in terms of where we actually spend the night.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Hmmmmm.
IF it's just about "how you feel" and they are "not bad people" then that's easy. You spend time with them and pretend. Why? your children benefit from grandparents. 
This is mostly between you and your husband. You are giving him an unsolvable problem. If they are dangerous or destructive, that's another story. But it's just you don't like the way you feel, then how is your husband supposed to turn his family away becuase of that?
The answer to this question is you and your husband have to reach a compromise. That would involve boundaries he has to enforce and the attidue you will portray to him and his family in exchange for that. Once you reach this compromise, stop making him miserable by making it impossible to please you.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

I do understand the holidays are for family.

But, why not start your own family tradition? Stay home. And schedule times when both families come to you. Christmas Eve with yours, Christmas Day with his. Or something like that.

When you do get around to having kids, dragging them away from home for 10 days at a time will become hellacious. Newborn schedules are sleepless and by they reach toddler age, it gets too much to drag toys and stuff around.

Instead of a source of contention about holidays, make them your own, instead of someone else's.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Revamped said:


> I do understand the holidays are for family.
> 
> But, why not start your own family tradition? Stay home. And schedule times when both families come to you. Christmas Eve with yours, Christmas Day with his. Or something like that.
> 
> ...


I agree, just like a love relationship, family relationships require 50/50 compromise from both parties.

For every time you go to EITHER parents house, ask them to come out to your place. 

EAch time you visit his parents, visit her parents and for each time you visit both, they come see you.

Apply "everyone deserves a second chance, but not third" rule. If they refuse to come over to your place, go to theirs 2nd time in a row....but NOT third unless they come visit you first.

:smthumbup:


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## Stars54 (Jul 23, 2013)

Hicks, as I've already said I never want to my husband to turn his family away; the issue is dividing time fairly between both his and my family. I am not giving my husband an "unsolvable problem," nor am I making him "miserable by making it impossible to please me." This is not a one-sided issue; my husband wants to stay with his family just as equally as I prefer to stay with mine. We both prefer to spend holidays with our respective families and my post was about the challenge we face in doing so. This is in fact a solvable problem and we will work together for a solution so our future children will visit both sets of grandparents. 

Revamped and DoF, I love your idea. Thank you for your helpful suggestion. I agree it would be a headache and a half to drag kids around. My husband and I have talked and agree that we will start a tradition of an "open house," and anyone from either family is welcome to come visit us. If they can make it, great, and if not we will see them when they can make it. This is a plan my husband and I are both in favor of, and I thank you for this helpful suggestion that has given us a plan we are mutually satisfied with.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Stars54 said:


> Revamped and DoF, I love your idea. Thank you for your helpful suggestion. I agree it would be a headache and a half to drag kids around. My husband and I have talked and agree that we will start a tradition of an "open house," and anyone from either family is welcome to come visit us. If they can make it, great, and if not we will see them when they can make it. This is a plan my husband and I are both in favor of, and I thank you for this helpful suggestion that has given us a plan we are mutually satisfied with.


Your welcome.

We have 4 kids and don't find it to be a head ache at all. But both of our families are pretty close (1 mile and 10-15 miles away)

My father and brother are 1200 and 15000 miles away, and no, we have never visited them. Too much, can't afford it.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Stars54 said:


> ...she has demonstrated irrational jealousy when her son is with my family (even whines and says things like _but I want to see you_ in a whiny voice..very immature.
> 
> She really lays the guilty-trip on thick, and I can see this amplifying with the grand kids she's already begging to have...


My mother in law does this too. On all occasions - father's day, mothers day, birthdays, Christmas...she wants to see us ON the day. No compromise. Doesn't care if we wear ourselves out to fit everyone in. She wants what she wants and tries to bully people to get it.

Last Christmas I said "enough". This is what we're doing, and that's that. The inlaws were invited over for Christmas night but declined. We suggested Christmas eve - they were busy. Fine. F you. Lol.

YOU and your husband are the mum and the dad. When you have kids YOU make those decisions, and if extended family doesn't like it, too bad.

My MIL said "when our kids were young we had to go to 10 different places in one day and we didn't complain". I simply said "That's nice. We're not doing that."

End of story. And hey, if she gets uppity and doesn't wanna come over? Bonus! :rofl:


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## Stars54 (Jul 23, 2013)

frusdil, that's great! I am so glad that after posting on here and talking about it with my husband he's now on board with our plan to have both our families come to US once we have kids so that we don't have to make the rounds, or choose between how to spend time with our families. Plus being 3000 miles away and lugging kids' stuff cross country would be hell on earth so it makes more sense for them to visit us at that point. If anyone in either of our families doesn't like that, they are not forced to come. I love that you didn't feel guilty when your MIL told you about all the places she went in 1 day to squeeze everyone in...good for her, but it's great that you can choose to be your own woman and not have to repeat her choices if it's not for you..good for you for being strong and standing your ground


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Problem with many older/parents is that they are selfish and inconsiderate.

Any decent person knows that relationship is a 50/50 deal. When you have one party doing all the work and other doing nothing.....that's not a relationship, more of a DICTATORSHIP.

Stick to "for every time we go, they come rule" and "everyone deserves a 2nd chance but not 3rd" rule.

AT MOST, go twice, and leave it up to them to come (and invite them of course) the next time. Keep inviting until they come BEFORE you go again.

If they don't come, you don't go again. 

Pretty simple



Let them prove to you how much they care about you and your family WITH ACTIONS!!!


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## WatchmansMoon (Mar 6, 2013)

You said you've read a lot already, so this may be redundant, but I wonder if the book "The Chapman Guide to In-Law Relationships" would be helpful. Even if your husband continues to see you making great effort to restore a relationship with them (successfully or not) it may still speak to him that you care about what he cares about. Hugs to you! I hope you can get this worked out for the sake of your marriage!


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## BaxJanson (Apr 4, 2013)

Boy, I remember the flames that lit up one Thanksgiving when I said "Enough. I'm not doing 4 meals this year. I'm staying at home, roasting my own turkey, and the kids and I will share with anyone who cares to come visit us between the hours of..." Honestly felt like I had proposed to roast the dog, instead. 

Sure was a good Thanksgiving, though.


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## Stars54 (Jul 23, 2013)

Haha wow 4 Thanksgiving dinners sounds like a lot for sure. The one year I made my own turkey was terrible food-wise, but the best holiday for actual relaxation. I need to work on my cooking skills 

WatchmansMoon, thanks for the book recommendation..I will check that out!


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Does your husband have a problem with your family?


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## Stars54 (Jul 23, 2013)

Hicks said:


> Does your husband have a problem with your family?


It was a mutual problem; I wanted to spend the holidays with mine and he wanted to spend the holidays with his. We are both feeling good about the solution we've agreed to with some of the helpful ideas we've found on here.


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## Shiksagoddess (Jan 20, 2011)

Revamped said:


> I do understand the holidays are for family.
> 
> But, why not start your own family tradition? Stay home. And schedule times when both families come to you. Christmas Eve with yours, Christmas Day with his. Or something like that.
> 
> ...



OMG! THIS! A thousand times this.

Both you and your husband must realize that you and he (and potential baby) ARE a family. Your FOO and his FOO (family of origin) are EXTENDED family. It's time to start your own traditions. For your MIL, all the time in the world will never be enough. Stop trying to please her and start pleasing yourself. You're going to be the bad guy anyway. You and your husband don't owe anyone a moment of your time.


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## kwebb (Jul 6, 2014)

I wasn't all that into my MIL either. She could be manipulating and would say some hurtful things, but it didn't matter... She is the woman that gave birth to my husband, she is the woman that raised him, he will always be her son. It shouldn't be a competition and the husband shouldn't be forced to choose get slack between the wife and mother. MILs and DILs always do things differently, but it is the maturity of one or the other that will provide success within the family. The choice is yours. Tolerate a few awkward and difficult moments to bring some peace for your husband and family or continue feeling resentment. And by the way, even if you do not voice resentment, it has a bad habit of showing like fireworks anyway. Everybody knows it because it shows.


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