# Help - Wife was abused as a child



## Mr-Manchester (Feb 1, 2009)

Hi I need help please. I have been married for nearly 8 and a half years to a beautiful and special lady, we have so much in common and are very close and always have been.

Several weeks ago I asked my wife why we had started to drift apart over the past couple of months, where she would not cuddle up, started to wear pyjamas in bed rather than us always cuddling up naked together each night and then getting up early in the morning to avoid any closeness. We have always been very touchy feely and had a very good and passionate relationship. 

My wife had said she had a bad childhood due to her alcoholic Mother but she told me allsorts that had happened to her as a child, her mother not only neglected her but mentally, physically and sexually abused her as a child, the details she explained were horrendous. She broke down and said she had to leave as she could no longer be a real wife and could not offer me the affection and love that a real wife could offer a husband.

My wife has bottled this up for years and never told a soul apart from me. I explained to her that non of it was her fault and in no way was she to blaim and it was all her abusive Mothers fault. I said I would support her and do everything to help her and if it mean't just holding hands and cuddling up fully clothed at night time then I was fine with that and would stick by her until she managed to sort it out in her head. I say this as she said there was no way that she could go to a counsellor asa she couldn't face dealing with what had happened to her as a child. The following morning my wife left home and we have now been seperated for a month.

Two weeks ago my wife said she had made a mistake and wanted to come home and one of the reasons she had been so distant other than her abuse was that she had wanted a child for sometime. We discussed in length and I said she should come home and when she was ready we could then start a family, my wife was so pleased and elated with my answer and said that she needed to gather her thoughts together but would be home in the week. That week we talked, exchanged texts and calls with my wife saying how much she loved me and me the same, I tell my wife on a daily basis that I love her and think she is perfect, i'm quite romantic and always send her flowers, go on surprise holidays, do the majority of the housework but most of all support and encourage my wife to do whatever activity she is doing, she has just qualified as a gym instructor where I had supported her totally with my time, encouragement and helping her do mock exams etc.

The day she was due to come home she rang to say that she needed more time, I said I was dissapointed but we agreed to give her another week then she would be home. 

This week my wife said that she wasn't coming home and that she felt that she no longer loved me as a husband but more as a friend and that she was no longer in love with me. My wife advised me that she had taken out a loan and was going to be a partner in a gym and that nothing would stop her from going ahead with this. I said that was fine but I wished that she had told me as my Father could have given her the money without having to go to a bank. 

My wife said that her feelings had changed towards me and she didn't know why she had gone from being close to distant but didn't see herself as a sexual and that her body was just like a machine that helped her live. My wife said she was now stronger and wanted to be independant and no longer wanted to live in a partnership and needed to discover herself and new deep down that she was no longer in love with me but said she thought I was an amazing caring loving perfect man and perfect for her in every way but that she needed to exercise her demons and find out who she was and had to do this in order to become complete and in maybe 6 months she will be at peace with herself and be then able to offer her all to me but that she didn't expect me to wait this length of time.

I said to my wife that I was her husband and honoured our wedding vows and would stick by her, support her and stand side by side through this, I told my wife I would stick by her these coming six months and do whatever it took to keep our marriage together. 

My wife has said she will continue to pay half the household bills and always will, I love this woman and would do anything for her as my equal and would stick by her through through thick and thin but I'm just not sure how to deal eith things in the next six months, we havn't spoken for a couple of days but text each other in the morning and before bed, my wife has thrown herself into the gym, she has always been a gym fanatic, me too but she now goes 7 days a week now as well as teaching gym classes, I think she is using it as an escape. 

The situation has obviously knocked me but I'm not to bothered about me I'm more concerned about my wife and how she is behaving differently, I'm not sure what to do next, do I suggest we meet up on a regular basis or do I leave herto come around and suggest a meet up ? Please advise my next course of action??


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

First of all, do not let her dictate all the shots, she is not in a position to lead. Number 1, if and when things resume, do not let her talk you into getting her pregnant right away, it could be a disaster. If she won't agree to a normal sex life with you before getting pregnant, it is almost a dead cert. that she will never want sex again once she gets pregnant.

The fact that she won't get help puts her in a special category that makes her almost impossible to live with. My guess is that people in this category experienced pleasant sensations during during the abuse, possibly even orgasm, and that is why sexual intimacy is just too much for them - it throws them back to the abusive memories. They can have casual sex with people they don't know well, because the other element - family closeness is not there. But in marriage where you have closeness and sex, it's too similar.

Of course in reality there is nothing for her to fear: it's all in the past. But she can't see it. She won't seek help partly out of embarrassment, and partly out of guilt. The guilt is not justified but she can't understand that.

I recommended a good therapist on this thread, but that woman was wiling: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/3548-rapes-before-marriage-cause-issues.html see post #15


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

While I think the history of abuse is significant here, you said the bulk of your 8 year marriage was healthy and she was intimate with you during that time. So, know that the abuse is a factor here, but don't make it all about that - clearly, other issues in the present surfaced for her.

I agree with MarkTwain that, while you want to be loving and supportive, you do not want to be a spinless doormat either ... that's really unattractive and it likely to push her further away from you, rather than toward you.

I think it's a mistake for you to "not be bothered about" you. You should be. You now have six months to get to know yourself once again as an individual separate from your wife and assess whether she is good for YOU (not just you being good for HER) and sort out whether this is the woman that you want to have children with, given her very sudden abandonment of you. You also need to sort yourself out in case the marriage doesn't continue after the separation.

I think that you need to establish ground rules during this separation because what happens during this time will influence (strongly) whether the marriage will be salvage and what the marriage will be like once you do get back together. Is she wanting free reigns to go behave as a single person, date, etc? Is she wanting merely space but maintain monogamy with you? Will you be dating regularly during this time? What are you boundaries and deal-breakers (make those clear to her).

Finally, counseling is in order and i'm just not sure how she or you can get around it and still work this out.


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## Malibu17 (Nov 30, 2007)

Mr-Manchester:

I sympathize with what you're going through, even though my situation has some differences from yours. My wife was sexually molested by her mother's boyfriend from the time she was 6 until she was almost 17 yrs old. She had a lot of counseling through the years, because of it, but it's still the underlying cause of many of our problems.

We have been married 21 years and now separated for 11 months. My wife had a difficult time showing affection or being lovable to me. This and other issues (I blame on her past), helped to cause the split.

Your wife certainly needs counseling to help her put the past behind her. Unfortunately, with the counseling, there's no guarantee that it will resolve your issues. You need to carefully consider your decision, regarding having children with her. It could actually make things more complicated. 

I wish you the best and hope things work out.


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## apples (Jul 9, 2009)

May GOD help You. I wish I didn,t understand what you are going through. My wife never left physically but has been emotionally absent for a long time ( 0 intimacy, I get more affection from my cat ). My Wife and I have been in counselling for a year and a half and I can see this journey is going to be a lot tuffer than any thing I have done in the past.


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## XiaSulin (Jul 5, 2009)

Wow. I really can't give you advice on what to do because well if it turned out wrong then I'd be to blame! I think this is the thing where you have to follow your heart. 

From what it sounds like she is on a journey of healing that she feels like is something she has to go through alone, and it sounds like you really understand that. The thing is, it takes more than 6 months to heal from abuse, and healing can take a lifetime. I'm not even sure if you can ever fully heal from abuse because there will always be scars.

(I am thinking). Maybe the relationship has just changed and even if she gets to the other side, you can't be so sure that she'll want to be anything more than a good friend. But then at the same time maybe she just needs to find herself before she can be with you.

Maybe you should establish if she wants to talk to you first in regards to whether you suggest meetings or not.

I really can't help you with decisions, I can say you sound really caring and loving and that's a good thing.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

MsLady said:


> While I think the history of abuse is significant here, you said the bulk of your 8 year marriage was healthy and she was intimate with you during that time. So, know that the abuse is a factor here, but don't make it all about that - clearly, other issues in the present surfaced for her.
> 
> .



I was thinking the same thing


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## UnfilteredInsanity (Jul 18, 2009)

As a victim of abuse, anything could have set her off. She could have repressed some memories that hit her like a ton of bricks one day. It's easy for us, who've suffered abuse, to disconnect enough to say that it happened. There is even a part of us that can disconnect from our past for a time to be someone we're not. You should research post-traumatic stress disorder to understand more. I'm not saying that you're what caused her to go into a downward spiral of depression. Quite the contrary, people who suffer from PTSD can disassociate mentally from all sorts of things, especially sex, we can pretend to be these "vixens" in the sack when we're realy disgusted. It truly has nothing to do with you and the sooner you understand that and learn more about PTSD, the more help you can be to her. Forcing her to deal with it will make her resent you. If she needs to call the shots for a little while, then let her. She needs to have, what she feels, is some sort of control over a situation. HOWEVER, do not have a baby until she has CHOSEN to deal with these issues. She will suffer from post-partum depression anyway, and it WILL be worse if she has not dealt with her issues (at least well enough to be able to recognize when she's having heightened anxiety) and has a safety plan in place for it.

Just the 2 cents of another survivor. Your wife should check out Violence UnSilenced. She will find a blog that is filled with stories of other survivors. She may be able to find friends there who can help her get to a place where she wants to deal with these things.


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