# no fantasies?



## justwantaconnection (Jul 17, 2011)

My wife says she has no sexual fantasies and has never masturbated. I don't think thats normal but does it happen - or is it just someone who is very repressed?
If I verbalise certain sexual fantasies during intercourse she orgasms readily, suggesting to me she likes the idea but she will not actively engage in the fantasy or embellish it with her own ideas. Her unwillingness to engage frustrates the hell out of me but she says its just "not her". 
She gets off primarily on fantasies where she is submissive to a large group of men or where I am taking her roughly in front of an audience. I have no desire to try any of these mental fantasies for real (especially the first one!!)- thats the purpose of fantasy, but am I being unreasonable in expecting her to play along?


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

She may have a very low sex drive, and thus doesn't fantasize.
Take her to a Dr and see if she has any hormonal issues and what supplaments she could take etc.

I have allways been big on fantasizing. However my ex probably had no idea because I never ever shared with him. There may be lots of reasons for this.

1 reason was my lack of desire for him, I lost a lot of respect and desire for him over time and it did not make me feel sexual about him, it turned me off.

Another reason was I was embarrassed about my fantasies and what turned me on. It took being with someone who was very open sexually with me, and who took the lead for me to feel comfortable sharing with him. If I don't feel comfortable or I feel embarrassed it's very hard to share.


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## Closer (Jul 15, 2011)

Hmm.. just respect her decision and let it be. As time passes by, she will gradually get into it.

Go with the flow and do a push-and-pull. To give you an idea, let me illustrate this in the context of picking up women:

If I touch a woman's hand and she pulls her hand away, I don't get affected by it. I laugh it off and continue talking with her.

After a while, I'll touch her hand again and this time... she doesn't reject it. She lets me feel her soft hand.

Then I'll move on to more physical advances and stopping when she doesn't want it.

It's all about making her feel comfortable and going for the goal when she's okay with it. 

Hope you get my drift.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Through many many years of marriage my wife said she had no fantasies. It took a long time but eventually I figured out that her idea of fantasy was different that mine. Once I figured that out I was able to get a feel for what her fantasies look like. She still doesn't say a lot and I really wish I could get into her head a little more on that one but i do have some idea now which helps me think of more ways to pleasure her. 

The break through point with us was when I told her that fantasies aren't necessarily like a scripted movie or story but may be as simple as certain images that flash through your head briefly that you find sexy like sex acts in certain ways or places or with 2 ppl or 3 or what ever blows your skirt up! 

that's the point at which she started looking at what I was asking in a diff way. In short we were speaking 2 diff languages. Women, the wonderful creatures that they are, are so incredibly diff from us. Concepts that are a given to us sometimes are lost on them. I suspect if you flip the coin we are just as difficult to them but viva la difference! Yes!


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

justwantaconnection said:


> My wife says she has no sexual fantasies and has never masturbated. I don't think thats normal but does it happen - or is it just someone who is very repressed?


Maybe its normal for her. Repressed? How about, sexually conservative.



justwantaconnection said:


> She gets off primarily on fantasies where she is submissive to a large group of men or where I am taking her roughly in front of an audience. I have no desire to try any of these mental fantasies for real (especially the first one!!)- thats the purpose of fantasy, but am I being unreasonable in expecting her to play along?


If she is "getting off" on your verbalized fantasies then she must be playing along. Otherwise she would have told you to stop. Based upon your description she is obviously a submissive woman, and in the context of sex most women are. Because she is submissive and conservative, she most likely feels uncomfortable verbalizing non-submissive behavior even though she gets off on it when someone else does it.

Why is her behavior any different than the guy who won't dare light a firecracker under the police chiefs chair, but will laugh is a$$ off when his friend does it.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

I don't think that it's that uncommon for some women to never have masturbated or to not have a lot of sexual fantasies. Women's sexual drives are much different than a man's - a woman's drive tends to fluctuate more, and the physical drive is often lower than a man's because of the hormonal mix in a woman (primarily the lack of equivalent testosterone in a woman makes her physical drive much lower than a man's). Masturbation for women

I think your wife is probably just a normal woman, and you shouldn't get hung up on things that she does (or doesn't do) that are different than you. Accept her for what she is, and work together on areas that both bring you enjoyment.


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## Closer (Jul 15, 2011)

Stonewall said:


> that's the point at which she started looking at what I was asking in a diff way. In short we were speaking 2 diff languages. Women, the wonderful creatures that they are, are so incredibly diff from us. Concepts that are a given to us sometimes are lost on them. I suspect if you flip the coin we are just as difficult to them but viva la difference! Yes!



I agree with this insight. That's why there are problems with how men and women connect today. It's because we aren't aware that what we men say can have a different meaning to women.

Empathy must be exercised in this situation.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Maybe she also finds your voice sexy and enjoys being submissive in hearing your stories?

I can come up with a multitude of scenarios at any given moment. My H isn't this way and it's taken a lot for me to learn what is a mental turn-on for him. When I start verbalizing fantasies during sex he can latch on to one that appeals to him and suits our mood. It can be just the talk of a clothing item or position or a complete scenario. I'll then settle into my submissive role and enjoy hearing his sexy voice. He won't expand much on the fantasy... yet  

I think some people are able to express themselves more openly, related to trust and allowing themselves to be vulnerable. And I do think some people just have more vivid imaginations than others.


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## alg1208 (Jul 29, 2011)

I'm with you. My wife says she has no fantasies either. She has masturbated in the past but it's not something she's done much while in a relationship. It was something she did when she didn't have sex readily available. 

I've never really been able to get her to talk about fantasies. I suspect she has some but she just refuses to say. She says she has none and she likes our sex life the way it is. 

I enjoy our sex life as well...doesn't mean I don't think some variation in it would be fun...


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## EvanderS (Jul 1, 2011)

I had some really kinky fantasies. In 1999 I came out of the closet (so to speak) and started talking about wanting to tie up women and force them to have sex. I really felt dirty and scared and had a lot of anxiety. The women that I was dating were all really supportive, curious, and intrigued... but I was still fearful that they were just humoring me, and that they thought less of me.

Sometimes when I acted out some elements of my fantasies I would crash... get depressed and/or cry. I couldn't really talk about what I was going through because there weren't any words, or expressions, or anything I could relate to that would help me get it across. I had years of repression, projection and terrors to work through... but at the same time I felt freer and the women around me were giving me the thumbs up.

Interestingly... after years of red hot sex I had burned through all my fantasies and I came to a place of just wanting to rest. It was like I didn't have any fantasies anymore... they had become memories.

My wife and I cherish those memories. 

So I would encourage you to go ahead and be a leader and to unleash your desires and fantasies. Just remember... that ultimately you are always in control, that you are in charge of knowing when to stop, and that it will only work if she gets pleasure from it.

As long as you have her attention, that she "gets off" & orgasm, and that she approves, has pleasure... then you are golden. Keep going.

If you want to fine-tune, train, or exchange ideas... there are BDSM conventions in every major city every year. Some are worth traveling to a different city for the really special hosts that bring in legend speakers. Some are small and very specific to a particular taste. Definitely not necessary... but these things can reduce anxiety and allow people to connect with like minds.


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## TDI99 (Aug 16, 2011)

I find that after all these years of liberation, women still have to get over the societal stigma of "good girls don't". It's ingrained. Others have to decide whether to risk the stigma guys still have about them being the first or only. That and the maturity to allow their ladies to express themselves freely. For many it takes time and alot of open honest non judgmental communication for that.


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## discouraged1 (Mar 16, 2010)

justwantaconnection said:


> My wife says she has no sexual fantasies and has never masturbated. I don't think thats normal but does it happen - or is it just someone who is very repressed?
> If I verbalise certain sexual fantasies during intercourse she orgasms readily, suggesting to me she likes the idea but she will not actively engage in the fantasy or embellish it with her own ideas. Her unwillingness to engage frustrates the hell out of me but she says its just "not her".
> She gets off primarily on fantasies where she is submissive to a large group of men or where I am taking her roughly in front of an audience. I have no desire to try any of these mental fantasies for real (especially the first one!!)- thats the purpose of fantasy, but am I being unreasonable in expecting her to play along?


My wife says the same things.. I find it hard to believe myself. I think she is about as repressed as they come and very introverted and insecure. We have only been married 20 years and so I don't expect she will really change.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

justwantaconnection said:


> My wife says she has no sexual fantasies and has never masturbated. I don't think thats normal but does it happen - or is it just someone who is very repressed?
> If I verbalise certain sexual fantasies during intercourse she orgasms readily, suggesting to me she likes the idea but she will not actively engage in the fantasy or embellish it with her own ideas. Her unwillingness to engage frustrates the hell out of me but she says its just "not her".
> She gets off primarily on fantasies where she is submissive to a large group of men or where I am taking her roughly in front of an audience. I have no desire to try any of these mental fantasies for real (especially the first one!!)- thats the purpose of fantasy, but am I being unreasonable in expecting her to play along?


I think she is getting off on you you really getting into it. Less about the speciifc fantasy for her and more about you.


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## nada (Aug 20, 2011)

justwantaconnection said:


> My wife says she has no sexual fantasies and has never masturbated. I don't think thats normal but does it happen - or is it just someone who is very repressed?
> If I verbalise certain sexual fantasies during intercourse she orgasms readily, suggesting to me she likes the idea but she will not actively engage in the fantasy or embellish it with her own ideas. Her unwillingness to engage frustrates the hell out of me but she says its just "not her".
> She gets off primarily on fantasies where she is submissive to a large group of men or where I am taking her roughly in front of an audience. I have no desire to try any of these mental fantasies for real (especially the first one!!)- thats the purpose of fantasy, but am I being unreasonable in expecting her to play along?


Look up Nancy Friday - she has published a couple of intersting books that may help in your situation. It sounds like you have to wake her up sexually. Read the book and see if it helps.

Nada


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