# Early menopause, low libido but mine is in overdrive.



## Married4life123 (Apr 14, 2019)

So.. a quick rundown.. My wife and I are 45 y/o, been together since we were 19 y/o. We have 2 girls who are now in college. 

She has always had problems related to endometriosis and several years ago ended up doing a partial hysterectomy and eventually her ovaries removed. This has forced her into early onset of menopause. 

Our sex life was always ok but had really slowed down in past years. For some reason I’m not really sure of, my libido has gone into complete overdrive. 

I love her and am still very attracted to her. No problems at all with me wanting to get intimate. 

A couple of months ago I opened up to her and expressed my interest in having a more active sex life. She told me that she just doesn’t have a strong desire now due to her not feeling attractive and probably somewhat due to her lack of hormones. She also told me to not get hung up if she doesn’t orgasm when we have sex. She still enjoys it but it just isn’t going to happen like it used to. 

I have to give her credit.. since we had this talk she has actually initiated sex quite a few times. I just cant help but think its only out of a sense of duty though. The lights have to be off and sh is usually completely under the blankets. 

I have tried to make it clear that she still turns me on and Im attracted to her just as much now as I was years ago. The thought of being with her turns me on now just as much (if not more) than it always has. 

I asked her about hormone replacement but she is against it because someone along the line (I assume a doctor) told her that while it can help, it can also take years off your life. I know nothing about that so maybe theres some truth to it?

Just wondering if anyone else has been in a similar situation. 

Thanks!


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Married4life123 said:


> I asked her about hormone replacement but she is against it because someone along the line (I assume a doctor) told her that while it can help, it can also take years off your life. I know nothing about that so maybe theres some truth to it?


Just wanted to address that the above is a load of poop. We are talking about getting your hormonal levels back to normal, not trying to make her the next WWE star lol.

I would definitely suggest she look in to further. There are plenty of places she can get a consultation for (even via online which is the route I went since my doctor refused to do anything)


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

EllisRedding said:


> Just wanted to address that the above is a load of poop.


It is not a "load of poop". There are genuine health pros AND cons to HRT.



> We are talking about getting your hormonal levels back to normal, not trying to make her the next WWE star lol.


"Normal" for that age is what the body does. HRT is an option. But to call not having HRT not "normal" is incorrect,



> I would definitely suggest she look in to further. There are plenty of places she can get a consultation for (even via online which is the route I went since my doctor refused to do anything)


Certainly having him be able to learn with her the pros and cons could be helpful.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I feel for both you and your wife, I am in peri-menopause myself. Mine is happening naturally though, I've not had a hysterectomy. My hormones are all over the place lol, my sex drive is feast or famine, there's no in between, I'm either insatiable or completely disinterested - I even posted about it here during a dry spell because I was so worried because it's not like me to not be interested in sex lol.

Kudo's to your wife for taking to heart what you expressed to her about your sex life, and stepping up - and to you for speaking up to her about it. That's a HUGE positive right there. HRT has both pros and cons, and I personally have decided not to take it, at least for now. Now that I understand what's going on with my body I feel a bit more in control. That may change when this menopause thing gets serious though lol!

During my low drive lulls, I too feel blah and bloaty and yuck. Cant begin to imagine why my husband still wants me, lol. She can't help feeling this way, and needs your love and reassurance more than ever.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

...


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

EllisRedding said:


> Nope. Per the OP, the doctor stated it could take years off your life. Once again, poop to make a blanket statement like that by a professional...


Ellis

"someone along the line (I assume a doctor)"

I know you hate the sexless stories. But it is not helpful to exaggerate for the OPs.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

NobodySpecial said:


> Ellis
> 
> "someone along the line (I assume a doctor)"
> 
> I know you hate the sexless stories. But it is not helpful to exaggerate for the OPs.


Lol, what do I hate about sexless stories??? Once again, just going by what the OP stated, the doctor made blanket statement that could easily dissuade someone without looking further in to. Maybe the doctor went into it further, but can only go by what was posted...

You never cease to amaze me with the stuff you just make up on the spot, gotta give you credit for at least being consistent :grin2:


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

EllisRedding said:


> Lol, what do I hate about sexless stories??? Once again, just going by what the OP stated, the doctor made blanket statement that could easily dissuade someone without looking further in to. Maybe the doctor went into it further, but can only go by what was posted...
> 
> You never cease to amaze me with the stuff you just make up on the spot, gotta give you credit for at least being consistent :grin2:


He ASSUMES a doctor said SOMETHING LIKE. It is well worth the OP to understand the pros and cons WITH his wife. I am not making stuff up. You are.

OP anyway, it is worth a further convo with your wife for sure. But regardless of whether one wants to categorize HRT cons as total poop or whatever, it won't help your cause to minimize her concerns about it in that way.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I'm in the same boat... but not for long! :laugh:

As other posters have said, kudos to your wife for stepping up... it looks like you might have to endure the starfish sex for the rest of your life, which is better than no sex at all...


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

...


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

I can say DW went through this, and I went along for the ride.

One can't really say they went through it "with her" because while us great guys that do as much as possible for support during this health issue it's much like "being pregnant". 

The best things to do include helping find the most accurate and comprehensive information available, and letting her repetitively know "you're with her" as you both travel through this time.

Sex can wax and wane.

For her part will be physical and yes part psychological. 

So far not telling you anything you don't know, just reinforcing I suppose. 

We made it through early, spotty, finally completed menopause. 

What specifically I did I do?

Always remind her she's still sexy, even if she keeps saying "she doesn't feel sexy", "isn't sexy", "things will never be the same", etc.

And thicken your skin for a while, things can get bumpy. Be prepared to do your own thing out of the house for a while.

But simply; time, consistency and repetitiveness is your friend here.

But this is also a time for good changes, and new things. She'll change, you'll change, and as long as you hold a firm grip on the rudder gently guiding your M vessel in a good direction it will be fine.

I personally would turn in the lights, pull the covers back, have sex not in the dark, almost never. 

Tell her more and more you want to see things, find her sexy. It sounds like you're already doing these things, just don't let her turn the lights off.

This is a big thing. Only better sex can be explored when the lights are on and she can see your eyes are open, see how engaged you are.

She may not admit it but it can be liberating for her. 

I mentally understand the multiple reasons why some women say they like to have the lights off etc, but don't really get it and never liked it. I never stayed with a new partner who always leaned that way. (A side note)


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

EllisRedding said:


> Um, you somehow turned my post into me hating sexless stories, so yes, you make crap up like always, I guess as a way to diminish my opinion. Solid job as always NS...


Sorry. I thought you did. You post on them with a triggered ting to your postings. My bad. Your "like always" comment is nasty. I am sorry you don't understand my point. Well not really. But get over it. I post in good faith like everyone else here.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Here are my thoughts on menopause-induced low libido:

It has nothing to do with the marriage. It has an array of treatment options. Even plain old lubricant can take care of the discomfort. And since the biggest sex organ is the brain, and we are sentient, we CANchoose to take care of our partners.

In other words, if you are going through menopause and you love your husband, you CAN CHOOSE to have a great sex life anyway.

Period.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

The point being, there are quite a few doctors who are simply not on board with TRT. It may or may not be something that could truly help the OPs W, but I would hate to see it as something that is immediately ruled out b/c potentially some doctor nixed it without adequate background regarding.


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## Married4life123 (Apr 14, 2019)

Thanks for the opinion on the HRT issue. I will try and talk with her a little more and see if we can both learn more. Not knowing anything about it when we talked, I certainly didnt want to seem like I was grilling her about it. I just let it go for now. 

On another note.. I’ve made an effort recently to be more affectionate, say I love you more, hold her hand when were out etc.. so she knows I still want to be close. Problem is, I think it could be having a negative affect. I guess a women’s opinion would be helpful on this one.. She has asked me a couple times why am I being so “clingy”? I told her about my increased desire and how I wanted to be with her more and she (half jokingly) said I was probably going through a midlife crisis. So, being more affectionate is making seem clingy and I dont think that will help anything. 


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

EllisRedding said:


> Lol, well, I don't hate sexless stories (and why you would even imply such is questionable in itself, and in particular since my post here had zippo to do about that...).


I apologized. But I did not imply it. I stated it straight out. There is nothing questionable about it except that for whatever reason my mistake seems to have upset you disproportionate to the fail. Maybe that is questionable?



> The point being, there are quite a few doctors who are simply not on board with TRT. It may or may not be something that could truly help the OPs W, but I would hate to see it as something that is immediately ruled out b/c potentially some doctor nixed it without adequate background regarding.



Yes it MAY. Or it MAY NOT. I agree that it should not immediately be ruled out. There is nothing helpful about categorically eliminating it as a concern with a comment that it is "poop". My opinion. He won't get any "love", as it were, from that attitude.


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## Married4life123 (Apr 14, 2019)

Another thing that is hard to deal with is the fact that, for some reason my libido is through the roof pretty much constantly anymore. So that, combined with my wife telling me that she really doesnt have much desire for sex anymore is torture. I would never blame her, I’m sure it’s mostly due to her body changing and the menopause/hormone issues. 

I guess its just bad timing for both of us. Is it a normal thing for men my age (mid 40’s) to have an increased libido? 


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Married4life123 said:


> Another thing that is hard to deal with is the fact that, for some reason my libido is through the roof pretty much constantly anymore. So that, combined with my wife telling me that she really doesnt have much desire for sex anymore is torture. I would never blame her, I’m sure it’s mostly due to her body changing and the menopause/hormone issues.
> 
> I guess its just bad timing for both of us. Is it a normal thing for men my age (mid 40’s) to have an increased libido?
> 
> ...


Here's the thing....libido IS a factor in sex, and it IS pretty much an involuntary thing.

But it ISN'T necessary to have great sex that is enjoyable for both of you. You can have frequent exciting sex even if her involuntary sexometer is low. SHE just has to choose to make it a priority.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

...


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

EllisRedding said:


> lol, trust me, the last thing is my being upset... That being said, the point here is to help the OP, so if you want to keep spinning other members posts, I don't see a lot of benefit there...


You may feel free to stop at any time.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Married4life123 said:


> Another thing that is hard to deal with is the fact that, for some reason my libido is through the roof pretty much constantly anymore. So that, combined with my wife telling me that she really doesnt have much desire for sex anymore is torture. I would never blame her, I’m sure it’s mostly due to her body changing and the menopause/hormone issues.
> 
> I guess its just bad timing for both of us. Is it a normal thing for men my age (mid 40’s) to have an increased libido?
> 
> ...


Has anything changed with you (i.e lost weight, diet changes, less stress, etc..) that could in part lead to your libido jumping?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

personofinterest said:


> Here's the thing....libido IS a factor in sex, and it IS pretty much an involuntary thing.
> 
> SHE just has to choose to make it a priority.


This... your wife has to decide how important your well-being - as well as hers - is in the marriage. She can have sex. She has to decide to have it. If she really loves you, she will compromise (hopefully)...


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## Married4life123 (Apr 14, 2019)

I appreciate any and all advice and opinions on my post but if you guys are just gonna keep bickering back and forth it might keep other people from replying their own helpful input. So can you both end it? Thanks. 


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Married4life123 said:


> I appreciate any and all advice and opinions on my post but if you guys are just gonna keep bickering back and forth it might keep other people from replying their own helpful input. So can you both end it? Thanks.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


No worries, I am done and am cleaning up my posts anyhow (i.e. see last post with question)


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## Married4life123 (Apr 14, 2019)

EllisRedding said:


> Has anything changed with you (i.e lost weight, diet changes, less stress, etc..) that could in part lead to your libido jumping?




Well, there could be some of that involved I suppose. I think I may have been mildly depressed due to the loss of my business and having to file bankruptcy all this happening in the last year or so. I think I may be coming out of it now but things are getting put behind us so I suppose I could have something to do with it

Also, I find myself thinking about her most of the day and being with her and doing things together. In the past I was always so busy with my business that it took up more than 100% of my time so now I don’t have much else to think about so it maybe that has something to do with it. I think she’s the only thing in my life that I really have to look forward to when I get home from work and on my days off. So this may be why I’m also being a little bit clingy lately. 


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Married4life123 said:


> Well, there could be some of that involved I suppose. I think I may have been mildly depressed due to the loss of my business and having to file bankruptcy all this happening in the last year or so. I think I may be coming out of it now but things are getting put behind us so I suppose I could have something to do with it
> 
> Also, I find myself thinking about her most of the day and being with her and doing things together. In the past I was always so busy with my business that it took up more than 100% of my time so now I don’t have much else to think about so it maybe that has something to do with it. I think she’s the only thing in my life that I really have to look forward to when I get home from work and on my days off. So this may be why I’m also being a little bit clingy lately.
> 
> ...


That would definitely make sense having some of that weight lifted off your shoulders (sounds like a good change). I would imagine as well, you and your W have the house to yourselves now with your daughters out to college? Is she by chance on any medications that could impact her libido as well?

I think the best thing is to keep an open line of communication with her. It is trying to find a balance where you are understanding / empathetic, but also don't just bury your needs. As long as she is willing and open to talking about things and working as a team, you guys should be able to meet somewhere in the middle hopefully. It is tough though, when you don't have a drive it is hard to be convinced otherwise (more likely the higher drive person is the one who needs to come down more to meet the LD).


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Married4life123 said:


> Another thing that is hard to deal with is the fact that, for some reason my libido is through the roof pretty much constantly anymore. So that, combined with my wife telling me that she really doesnt have much desire for sex anymore is torture. I would never blame her, I’m sure it’s mostly due to her body changing and the menopause/hormone issues.
> 
> I guess its just bad timing for both of us. Is it a normal thing for men my age (mid 40’s) to have an increased libido?
> 
> ...


In my opinion you should focus the energy and motivation of your libido on overdrive to help your wife feel more confident about herself in every possible way. One thing helpful to note is that as we age, sexuality becomes more a function of the mind and less of hormones. It is likely you spend a great deal of time thinking about how to improve upon your situation and that self mental stimulation could be driving your libido into overdrive. 

*Less is more!* If you are now receiving a little less affection from your wife, you likely appreciate those moments much more. The same is also true for your wife, but in that you have to give her some space and encourage her on her personal endeavors as an individual. So you give her some space while building her confidence. 

If your wife's views on intimacy are less hormonal driven, make it a point to ask her what things she does appreciate about intimacy. Sometimes it might be about having someone to listen to her better and make a strong emotional connection during moments together (non-sexually). Then in moments you desire intimacy odds are she wants you to also be confident and not second guess everything during the moment. It may be important for her to know she can please you as opposed to feeling you are insatiable and that she might not be enough for you. 

Also have an open and playful conversation about self pleasure and if and how it can be used to manage your desire. Perhaps she might even enjoy participating in your self pleasure indirectly by hearing you tell stories of how incredibly horrible you are at any attempt compared to her abilities.  This can be a huge confidence booster for her! 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

personofinterest said:


> In other words, if you are going through menopause and you love your husband, you CAN CHOOSE to have a great sex life anyway.
> 
> Period.


And she's DOING that. The OP has said that his issue isn't really with quantity - it's apparently quality he's unhappy with.

The OP is upset because it's not swinging-from-the-chandelier, put on the klieg lights so you can see every single pore on her body, sweaty, screaming, on the kitchen counter, hot monkey sex. 

No one is ever happy with what they're getting.

OP, look around this forum for a bit and you'll see men who haven't had sex in years. YEARS.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> personofinterest said:
> 
> 
> > In other words, if you are going through menopause and you love your husband, you CAN CHOOSE to have a great sex life anyway.
> ...


Lots of ASSumptions in this post.

Maybe he just doesnt want a woman who does something out of put upon duty.

I realize this topic makes women who don't want 6 defensive, but if you're going to be married, you are going to have sex. If you don't want sex Kama stay single.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

personofinterest said:


> Lots of ASSumptions in this post.
> 
> Maybe he just doesnt want a woman who does something out of put upon duty.
> 
> I realize this topic makes women who don't want 6 defensive, but if you're going to be married, you are going to have sex. If you don't want sex *Kama* stay single.


Well that's an interesting word for you speech to text program to choose.

I've never experienced duty, or starfish sex. Or, I've never identified it. I guess this case, like mine, is not so much a case of if you don't want sex, *stay* single, as a case of if you don't want sex anymore, *get* single. 

@Married4life123 I wonder if you increased libido has anything to do with empty nest. It's a pretty serious change of life.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

And we all like monkey porn sex, but it's not everytime. 

Sometimes rabbit sex, or turtle, or doggie, or snake, or sneaky, or just see what happens. 

Sorry, I got off on a tangent. 

The key is to at least keep the door open to each other.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@Married4life123, 

I'm an almost 57yo female person here, so I've been through the Big Change, and here are my thoughts. There are two aspects to this situation:

*First, your wife's side. * For me, peri-menopause started in earlier 40's and when I was 45yo and my Dear Hubby was 50yo, my libido was through the roof and his was just tapering off...and he told me "Just wait until YOU hit 50yo" and I laughed. At that age the kids were old enough for us to have some "alone time" and we were old enough to know what we were doing and knew ourselves well enough to know what was pleasurable... But in real life, the age difference did make some difference. And sure enough, as I hit 50yo my libido did die down some, but not as in "Wow I have no libido and sex feels bad" but more like it just wasn't the first thought in the morning, the last thought at night, and every thought throughout the whole rest of the day! LOL In a way it kind of morphed into a different view of sex: YES it still felt amazing, but rather than being an itch that had to be scratched, it became one of several enjoyable options that could be chosen. So, my guess is that your wife does not "dislike" sex, but rather it's just not that incurable itch it used to be. Now, I bet she's willing to be put into the mood, but she doesn't "start" in the mood...make sense? 

I'm not even going to weigh in on HRT or not HRT, because that's an individual choice, but I will say this: this age definitely IS an age where things change, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. Just approach it as a team and adjust to each other. Adjust and compromise. I think Dear Hubby and I went from roughly daily to .... oh every other day or a couple times a week. We were both okay with that, and of course, at 50yo the time came that I mellowed somewhat myself! Then it became more like "as often as we were naturally in the mood" which was often because we really liked each other. To round out the story, Dear Hubby passed away and I'm now 57yo in a new relationship. We also REALLY like each other and my new sweetheart is in much better shape than Dear Hubby, so he *really *gets my motor running. Still, even in a new relationship I don't feel a deep sense of very intense "horniness" so much as a very deep desire to be close to him in every possible way. So in ten years, your hormones and her hormones may be better in sync with each other and your level of intimacy may actually deepen. Just work on it together. 

*Second, your side.* I note in your posts that you had a business failure and a bankruptcy, and now you spend more time in your day thinking of her and feeling sexy. You mention that she indicated you felt "clingy" to her (using her terminology there), and here's my thought: I wonder if SOME of your desire to be sexual isn't coming from a desire for affirmation that you are still wanted and reassurance that you are still a prize to be won. Note to self: if that is the case, it's okay. We all need that kind of reassurance now and then, especially from our spouses! But if that is the case, it might be a wise idea for you to also look at the man in the mirror and examine if there isn't a way to affirm your own self. I don't know of a whole lot of "self-esteem" kind of groups or books for men, but maybe something as easy as going to the men's breakfast at church, or planning a meet up with some of your old college buddies would be the kind of thing that would be both good for you as well as take that edge of "clinginess" out of the picture. 

One of the things about being clingy is that the "clinger" is constantly interacting with the partner all day, and the "clingee" feels smothered. I very much doubt that's where you want to go with your marriage--making your wife feel smothered. So build up your confidence, do some stuff that interests you, start up a social network, manage your anxiety (if you have any) and let her have a little space. Not a lot...don't pull away...but as an example, have a weekly golf game with the guys. When you think about texting your wife or "hanging around" with her all day, give her at least one day that she gets to just do her own thing while you do your own thing. I am a BIG believer in couples being each other's best friends and enjoying each other's company, BUT I also think even great spouses need a little space to process their own issues and to maintain their own individuality.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> And we all like monkey porn sex, but it's not everytime.
> 
> Sometimes rabbit sex, or turtle, or doggie, or snake, or sneaky, or just see what happens.
> 
> ...


Sheesh, if you are going to do that snake stuff, close the door!:wink2:


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Married4life123 said:


> On another note.. I’ve made an effort recently to be more affectionate, say I love you more, hold her hand when were out etc.. so she knows I still want to be close. Problem is, I think it could be having a negative affect. I guess a women’s opinion would be helpful on this one.. She has asked me a couple times why am I being so “clingy”? I told her about my increased desire and how I wanted to be with her more and she (half jokingly) said I was probably going through a midlife crisis. So, being more affectionate is making seem clingy and I dont think that will help anything.


Don't do things that you didn't used to do.

That will look "clingy".

She didn't used to enjoy sex with you because you said"I love you" and held her hand when you were out, etc.

This change is hormonal, not because you changed or were doing something wrong.

This is you being different and, if she's smart enough to know why you're doing it, more pressure on her.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Married4life123 said:


> I have to give her credit.. since we had this talk she has actually initiated sex quite a few times. I just cant help but think its only out of a sense of duty though. The lights have to be off and sh is usually completely under the blankets.


That's a lot more than most.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

personofinterest said:


> Here's the thing....libido IS a factor in sex, and it IS pretty much an involuntary thing.
> 
> But it ISN'T necessary to have great sex that is enjoyable for both of you. You can have frequent exciting sex even if her involuntary sexometer is low. *SHE just has to choose to make it a priority*.


But, it seems as though she has.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Imagine a guy was having problems with his libido; his wife asked him to look into it; he saw a urologist who said his T levels were normal (or he read a article on the dangers of testosterone enhancement) and told his wife he wasn't interested in looking into it any further .....


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Buddy400 said:


> Imagine a guy was having problems with his libido; his wife asked him to look into it; he saw a urologist who said his T levels were normal (or he read a article on the dangers of testosterone enhancement) and told his wife he wasn't interested in looking into it any further .....


We have several stories like that. What’s to imagine?


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Faithful Wife said:


> Buddy400 said:
> 
> 
> > Imagine a guy was having problems with his libido; his wife asked him to look into it; he saw a urologist who said his T levels were normal (or he read a article on the dangers of testosterone enhancement) and told his wife he wasn't interested in looking into it any further .....
> ...


Exactly. Not everything is some covert gender war.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Very few posters do a good job of clearly differentiating between their partners:
- Arousal 
Vs
- Engagement

This is a hugely important thing. Engagement is a conscious choice, full stop. So when a guy says, my wife just lies there doing nothing until I finish (called starfish sex), that is low to zero engagement. 

Arousal - whole different story. My view on that is you get what you get. Complain about arousal at your peril, as her response may be to begin faking it. 

Problem with faking is this. You are asking to couple mechanical intimacy, with emotional deception. That tends to create a lot of resentment as your partner is not only giving you their body when they aren’t really feeling it, but now they have to prop up your ego as well by pretending to have a great time themselves.

Me personally, I would not tolerate a lack of engagement. I imagine would just stop if it ever happened. 

But there’s been plenty of times my wife doesn’t get all that worked up, and I not only don’t complain, I periodically thank her for not pretending with me. 








personofinterest said:


> Lots of ASSumptions in this post.
> 
> Maybe he just doesnt want a woman who does something out of put upon duty.
> 
> I realize this topic makes women who don't want 6 defensive, but if you're going to be married, you are going to have sex. If you don't want sex Kama stay single.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You haven't mentioned whether your wife is experiencing hot flashes/night sweats. If she is, it can feel like her body is going to internally combust. The last thing she is going to want is your body heat. Take that into consideration when out and about and holding her hand or getting close. She may fear a sudden drenching where she can't rip her clothes off to cool down.

One factor of HRT is that it only postpones the inevitable. At some point, the doctor would take her off of it and then her body would go through exactly what it is going through at this time. She will pay the piper - the only question is when.

I don't think I would be making much of a fuss about lights on/off or under/out of the covers at this stage of the game. This won't last forever (even if it feels like it).


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Married4life123 said:


> A couple of months ago I opened up to her and expressed my interest in having a more active sex life. *She told me that she just doesn’t have a strong desire now due to her not feeling attractive and probably somewhat due to her lack of hormones. *She also told me to not get hung up if she doesn’t orgasm when we have sex. She still enjoys it but it just isn’t going to happen like it used to.
> 
> I have to give her credit.. *since we had this talk she has actually initiated sex quite a few times. I just cant help but think its only out of a sense of duty though. The lights have to be off and sh is usually completely under the blankets.*


OP, would you like for your wife to fake her excitement? Do you want her to do something that makes her uncomfortable but makes things more exciting for you? I ask these questions not to snap at you but to make you realize of what you are essentially asking of your wife. When you ask her to turn down the covers and turn on the lights and whatever else you are asking, you are telling her that what she's already doing is not enough. That she is lacking and failing. 

From experience, having lived with an ex husband who was LD for me and did not wish to take hormone replacement, if you wish to continue to be happily married then cherish the effort your wife is making to meet your needs. The absolute worse thing you can do is continue nag her regarding her diminishing sex drive and her sexual preferences. I would also caution you against becoming resentful towards her for not having the sex drive she used to have. 

People age and sexual practices and desires change. This is just one phase of life. Decide what is more important, a return to the sex life you used to have with your spouse or a return of your single days because that's where you're going to end up if you can't reconcile this within yourself.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

I think one thing to keep in mind (and in part the reason why the OP came here), is that him and his W are both relatively young (45). I think most can at least understand why this could freak him out. Kids are off to school so you now have an empty house, still young, so it can be concerning that your sex life could be going downhill very quick.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> OP, look around this forum for a bit and you'll see men who haven't had sex in years. YEARS.


Keep in mind, what others here have dealt with concerning their sex lives should have ZERO impact on the OP. Just b/c others have unfavorable sex lives doesn't mean the OP should just be "Oh, OK, I should just be happy".


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

EllisRedding said:


> "Oh, OK, I should just be happy".


But he should... :laugh:


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Mr. Nail said:


> Sheesh, if you are going to do that snake stuff, close the door!:wink2:


Ha!

When I reread the post I got there, too.

Door closed 🙄🙄


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

45 is a bit on the early side for perimenopause, not unheard of and yes, hormones could be changing as they do when we get older (I am 56). If she is not experiencing hot flashes which normally is normally one of the first signs of change I would wonder if perhaps your wife's interest, or lack of, might not be hormone related. You mentioned she gets under the covers with the lights off....basically you are saying she doesn't let you see her body. That could be one of two things....either she is tired of your harassment when she is naked or she is ashamed of her body for some reason. 

If either, or both of you, plan to look into hormones as your problem and fix be aware that gyns and family physicians are not going to run the proper tests. You have to go to a hormone specialist. Just by the sound of things though I would say this is not about her hormones, it is more about your desire and wanting more from her so you think you can fix her to meet your needs.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

AVR1962 said:


> 45 is a bit on the early side for perimenopause, not unheard of and yes, hormones could be changing as they do when we get older (I am 56). If she is not experiencing hot flashes which normally is normally one of the first signs of change I would wonder if perhaps your wife's interest, or lack of, might not be hormone related. You mentioned she gets under the covers with the lights off....basically you are saying she doesn't let you see her body. That could be one of two things....either she is tired of your harassment when she is naked or she is ashamed of her body for some reason.
> 
> If either, or both of you, plan to look into hormones as your problem and fix be aware that gyns and family physicians are not going to run the proper tests. You have to go to a hormone specialist. Just by the sound of things though I would say this is not about her hormones, it is more about your desire and wanting more from her so you think you can fix her to meet your needs.


I believe the OP mentioned that a hysterectomy and eventually ovary removal forced her into early onset of menopause.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> We have several stories like that. What’s to imagine?


It seems like, in the case of a man, that he's at fault for not pursuing solutions more aggressively (which I would probably agree with).

In this case, it seems like she's made a minimal effort and he's being told that he's being overly dismissive of her genuine concerns.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Lila said:


> OP, would you like for your wife to fake her excitement? Do you want her to do something that makes her uncomfortable but makes things more exciting for you? I ask these questions not to snap at you but to make you realize of what you are essentially asking of your wife. When you ask her to turn down the covers and turn on the lights and whatever else you are asking, you are telling her that what she's already doing is not enough. That she is lacking and failing.
> 
> From experience, having lived with an ex husband who was LD for me and did not wish to take hormone replacement, if you wish to continue to be happily married then cherish the effort your wife is making to meet your needs. The absolute worse thing you can do is continue nag her regarding her diminishing sex drive and her sexual preferences. I would also caution you against becoming resentful towards her for not having the sex drive she used to have.
> 
> People age and sexual practices and desires change. This is just one phase of life. Decide what is more important, a return to the sex life you used to have with your spouse or a return of your single days because that's where you're going to end up if you can't reconcile this within yourself.


I think this is overly pessimistic.

You seem to imply that, if he wants to remain married, he just needs to get used to it and accept it. As if, making *any* effort to improve the situation is just going to ruin the relationship. 

It might. There's not a good track record of turning this around successfully. But, the upside is so good that it worth an attempt.

If it doesn't work and, above all else, you want to stay married, then there does come a time (6 months?) where one should probably just give up and accept reality. I just wouldn't go there as a first step.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Buddy400 said:


> I think this is overly pessimistic.
> 
> You seem to imply that, if he wants to remain married, he just needs to get used to it and accept it. As if, making *any* effort to improve the situation is just going to ruin the relationship.
> 
> ...


It may be pessimistic but it's the truth. The OP wants "genuine" desire from his wife. She's not physically able to muster those "genuine" desires but she is willing to initiate sex with him albeit with some caveats to account for her self consciousness over her body image. All OP can do is either accept what she's offering or decline it. What he's not allowed to do is accept it and then ***** about the quality. That's criticizing her effort. I promise it'll breed resentment in her. 

We cannot control other people. We can only control ourselves. If he wishes to stay married, then he needs to adjust his expectations to coincide with his new reality. It will never be what he once had but he can still appreciate what he has now.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

The OP said that after they spoke she initiated quite a few times. He has been silent on the topic of how often she rejects his advances so we will have to wait for him to comment on that. HD posters often talk around the topic of rejection as they are embarrassed. So with regard to rejection, we know nothing. 

Still - from what he said so far, she seems pretty engaged. His complaint seems to be arousal related. Complain about arousal at your peril. When you do, your partner is thinking the following....

Let me get this straight. We just did something that felt a LOT BETTER for you than me. Something I did to be nice to you out of love. And now, you are complaining that you didn’t get the ego kibble you wanted from it, and that is my fault, despite knowing that I’ve have some fairly major sexual equipment removed. 







MEM2020 said:


> Very few posters do a good job of clearly differentiating between their partners:
> - Arousal
> Vs
> - Engagement
> ...


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Lila said:


> It may be pessimistic but it's the truth. The OP wants "genuine" desire from his wife. She's not physically able to muster those "genuine" desires but she is willing to initiate sex with him albeit with some caveats to account for her self consciousness over her body image. All OP can do is either accept what she's offering or decline it. What he's not allowed to do is accept it and then ***** about the quality. That's criticizing her effort. I promise it'll breed resentment in her.
> 
> We cannot control other people. We can only control ourselves. If he wishes to stay married, then he needs to adjust his expectations to coincide with his new reality. It will never be what he once had but he can still appreciate what he has now.


Well, if she tried HRT, she might well have "genuine" desire for him. That would be the best case scenario.

Perhaps you pushed your ex too far after he refused? Maybe, but that refusal to even consider it would have been hard for me to accept.

If "genuine" desire isn't possible and she's giving it an effort and not making it clear that she'd rather be doing something else (which is not what she appears to be doing) then, yes, that's as good as it's likely to get. I'd be happy with that.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Buddy400 said:


> Lila said:
> 
> 
> > It may be pessimistic but it's the truth. The OP wants "genuine" desire from his wife. She's not physically able to muster those "genuine" desires but she is willing to initiate sex with him albeit with some caveats to account for her self consciousness over her body image. All OP can do is either accept what she's offering or decline it. What he's not allowed to do is accept it and then ***** about the quality. That's criticizing her effort. I promise it'll breed resentment in her.
> ...


I won't argue the use of HRT only because that choice comes with a whole lot of health risks especially for women. It's not pez candy and should be considered carefully. 

That point aside, I think this is a matter of interpretation. I read the OP's description of his wife's efforts as her trying to meet his needs not a half assed effort. What does she need to do to make her efforts seem believable to him?


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Lila said:


> That point aside, I think this is a matter of interpretation. I read the OP's description of his wife's efforts as her trying to meet his needs not a half assed effort. What does she need to do to make her efforts seem believable to him?


Assuming that nothing reasonable can be done to improve her libido, I agree that she seems to be doing all she can.

Too many guys aren't happy unless their partner feels exactly how they feel about sex.

You can change how you behave. You can't change how you feel.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

YES EMPHATICALLY to Buddy's point below. 





Buddy400 said:


> Assuming that nothing reasonable can be done to improve her libido, I agree that she seems to be doing all she can.
> 
> Too many guys aren't happy unless their partner feels exactly how they feel about sex.
> 
> You can change how you behave. You can't change how you feel.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

MEM2020 said:


> The OP said that after they spoke she initiated quite a few times. He has been silent on the topic of how often she rejects his advances so we will have to wait for him to comment on that. HD posters often talk around the topic of rejection as they are embarrassed. So with regard to rejection, we know nothing.
> 
> Still - from what he said so far, she seems pretty engaged. His complaint seems to be arousal related. Complain about arousal at your peril. When you do, your partner is thinking the following....
> 
> Let me get this straight. We just did something that felt a LOT BETTER for you than me. Something I did to be nice to you out of love. And now, you are complaining that you didn’t get the ego kibble you wanted from it, and that is my fault, despite knowing that I’ve have some fairly major sexual equipment removed.


Damn, but you're smart.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Buddy400 said:


> Assuming that nothing reasonable can be done to improve her libido, I agree that she seems to be doing all she can.
> 
> Too many guys aren't happy unless their partner feels exactly how they feel about sex.
> 
> You can change how you behave. You can't change how you feel.


Boom


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