# You can't have both!!!!!



## Jadiel (Oct 10, 2012)

I just need to rant...I know everyone is going to tell me I'm an idiot. I know that. I just need to get stuff off my chest. 

So after 3 months of interrogating and investigating, I finally gave up on learning the truth. I was tired of the trickle truthing. Every few weeks a new thing was coming out. Even incredibly pointless lies. She told me she gave some guy oral sex, and then later admitted to actual intercourse. Really what's the difference? 

And I made it clear to her: If she wants a big magic reconciliation where our marriage is stronger than ever, the first step is truth and honesty. No trickle truth, no sugar coating, no rug sweeping, no leaving out what she thinks isn't important.

So what did she do? Lie. But I know it's really hard to tell the truth about awful things you've done, so I gave her another chance. I kept asking, I kept digging, and she just kept refusing to come out with it. 

NYE, I finally told her I was done with all that crap. She can keep her stupid secrets, and I'll feel about it however I feel about it and let's just try and be civil for the kids. I really don't want a divorce. 

But she's still being as stubborn as ever, and wondering why things aren't magically better now. WTF woman...it's like we're driving to a destination in our car, and we come to a fork in the road. I told her to go left, and she went right, and she knew going right was the wrong way to go, but she refuses to turn around or even acknowledge she took the wrong turn. 

Lately she's been suspicious of various female friends I have on facebook. I am not a cheater nor have I ever been. But I have people with vaginas on my friends list. She's now all upset like "Why are you friends with this girl? What about that girl? Are you cheating on me?"

YOU DON'T GET TO KNOW! You weren't honest with me, so you don't get honesty. Regardless of how innocent it is, have fun suffering like I've been. Maybe you'll see how it feels! 

A few nights ago she took a little road trip to wal-mart (about an hour drive away). After she gets home, she tells me she picked up a hitchhiker and gave him a ride home. This in and of itself doesn't bother me a whole lot...there was a storm, and we live in a small community where its actually pretty common to pick up someone who's walking in a blizzard. 

But then she's all upset that I might dare consider the possibility that she might have done something with this guy. Oh really? Could it be that you're a f***ing liar? You don't get to handle things the way you've handled them and then expect that I'm going to just forgive and forget and not assume you're still screwing around!?!?!?

You might be saying "Jadiel, just get rid of her!" Well...trying not to. We have a couple of awesome kids and I don't want their dad to be some guy they see on weekends. I don't want to see her and her new boyfriend dropping them off at my new ****ty apartment. I don't want to deal with divorce because it SUCKS. 

And more than anything....I spent a long time chasing her. I do love her, even if she pisses me off to no end...I just don't get why she can't accept her fate and let us take it easy for a while. So we can be like two civil business partners, and our business venture is raising these kids like normal people.


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## MrsOldNews (Feb 22, 2012)

And why are you still with her?


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

my wife was pretty much the same way.
once i really talked to her and told her to kinda back off, you know...things arent just going to magically put us into this great marriage, i need time to process..she really did that for me.
and yes that darn trickle truth.
i really dont want to know anything else. it took me almost 6 months to get the majority of the story form her, and i know there are things she hasnt told me. i just dont care to hear them. what i do know is plenty bad enough.
point is, just tell her.
you need process time, dont be all like this doting loving wife all of the sudden. it drove me CRAZY when my wife did that to me.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

MrsOldNews said:


> And why are you still with her?


Kids, and contrary to popular belief on this forum it is a perfectly valid reason
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jadiel (Oct 10, 2012)

tacoma said:


> Kids, and contrary to popular belief on this forum it is a perfectly valid reason
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


THANK YOU.

I think it is a perfectly good reason. And contrary to how I've made it sound...it's not ALL bad here. It's just that in that area things aren't so great. We still get along good, mostly. As far as the kids know, everything is fine. The boy, being almost 9, has some notion things have been a little heated, but we make sure never to let him see any bad stuff like fighting.

It just frustrates me. It's like talking to a wall. I wish she'd back off and just let us be. I'm not digging at her anymore, I'm not checking her phone, I took the keylogger off the computer, I just want to exist and be civil and cool. If she wants to screw around I don't care anymore. If I meet someone I'd like to screw around with, who knows? Like I said before I am not by nature a cheater, but I no longer feel any loyalty to her.


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## SevenEight (Feb 6, 2013)

Jadiel, I'm really sorry to hear what you are going through.

I feel like I'm in a really similar situation, except that we don't have kids. It really fn sucks. I wish so much that she would have some kind of miracle breakthrough and see how dishonest and wrong the things she did were, but more and more I know this won't happen. Maybe it will happen eventually but by then it will be over and it will be too late. With kids it must take it to a whole other level of difficulty.

I really wanted to have a family with her, and for a while I know she wanted the same with me, but now am I glad it didn't happen.

I also get nothing but trickle truth, and when I discover something on my own, she seems to be more concerned with how I discovered it than trying to come clean. It is such bull****. I know I deserve better.

It's hard to make yourself realize that this woman may not be who you thought she was. Trust me I'm going through that anguish right now.

Not sure how much useful advice I have, but just needed to rant because I'm in a similar situation, and to let you know you are not alone in dealing with this kind of betrayal and dishonesty.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

tacoma said:


> Kids, and contrary to popular belief on this forum it is a perfectly valid reason
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She knows you won't leave, and she knows why.

Get used to the lies because nothing is going to change. Ever.

Welcome to the rest of your life.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Jadiel, it is bad. She has cheated, refuses to give you the truth and does not seem at all remorseful. Now she is accusing you of cheating with friends on facebook. Is divorce worse than what you are living with? 

Lives change, you will not always live in a shi**ty apt. 

What do you think her reasons for cheating are?


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

So you honestly believe you are doing your kids a service by keeping them in a house where mommy and daddy are at each other's throats? Constantly walking on egg shells with each other, ready to blow up over the little (or sometimes big) things. 

Because, and I may be in the minority here, but I don't.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> I spent a long time chasing her.


 Sounds like you're letting pride get in the way of a better life! Don't want to admit you made a mistake marrying a cheating liar.

Your marriage (!) will be the example your children will LEARN from and emulate. Hope you'll learn to deal with this well as you'll probably be consoling your own children in THEIR cheating dysfunctional marriages in 20 more years.

You two won't be fooling your kids for long. They'll sense something is wrong. The most bitter people I've EVER met, have been adults whose parents have stayed together in a crappy marriage "for the kids". 

Given all that, *if you want to STAY *in this marriage with her:
1.) Get STD tests REGULARLY and let her KNOW you're getting them. You think it would SUCK to see your ex-w and her bf dropping your kids off at your sh1tty apartment? Try being DEAD from the AIDS she brings home from riding numerous dudes bareback! Those crappy-ass bfs will be RAISING YOUR KIDS full-time if you're dead!

2.) When she gets pissy about your female Facebook friends, simply tell her CALMLY, "YOU of all people, do NOT get to inquire about my acquaintences. YOU do not get to be upset, or make demands, or anything else. I have lived above reproach. You do NOT get to paint ME as unfaithful." Then walk away from the conversation.

Good luck, and I hope you really will reconsider staying in this marriage.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

I deal with this. I just made it clear to my WW that I’m an old romantic. To me, marriage is a “union of two souls”. As such, there is nothing deemed “too private to be worth lying about”. Lying is about manipulating my perceptions and presenting a false idol; Self-protection has no place in marriage. You are supposed to protect each other.

Therefore, I can not view our relationship as a true marriage in the romantic ideal. No matter how she “argues”, this is just a cold hard fact with me. She protects herself, I protect myself. So I deal with it and am clear about it: We are two individuals. There is no “team” where you feel safe just being whom you are allowing the other to accept or reject you. She is manipulating that perspective to favor me accepting her.

That leads to “what do we have then?” I accept her, and the limitations she put forth as just how it is; I accept she lies and places herself first. As long as I benefit from and enjoy this relationship, I’ll hang onto it. I have boundaries in place to protect my own emotional needs; Cross them and I will terminate the relationship. Much less emotional connection. A shift from “our life” to “my life and her role in it”. She renegotiated the terms and now has to live with it. 

When this whole thing started, she was so ingrained into my ideas of who I was, that divorce was akin to asking me to lop off a limb. Now? I don’t see her as a part, so leaving is more of a major inconvenience than it would be an emotional trauma; I’ve already grieved the death of our marriage. The trauma part would be the kids and the emotions I’d feel about splitting them between parents. The ramification is she doesn’t feel secure.... Boo-hoo, she doesn’t offer security with lies so why would she feel I’d just ‘throw it in’ for her. 

I treat her how she is, not how she wants me to see her.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

tacoma said:


> Kids, and contrary to popular belief on this forum it is a perfectly valid reason
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Perhaps it can be a valid reason, but as an adult child of a philandering father - I wish my mother had divorced him rather than rear us in an atmosphere of dysfunctional anxiety. 

We always knew far more than what our parents thought we knew, and what we didn't know terrified us.


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

If my wife had sex with another man, i wouldnt stay no matter what. If she had another mans penis in her mouth, no way in hell. Doing both? I just couldnt stay and not hate her with every fiber of my being.

I would never cheat because its not in me to do it, but also because of my child. I would not want her to go through life hating me for cheating on her mother.

I wouldnt stay married for the kids. Just because mom and dad live together doesnt mean anything. Its a loving home thats needed. I just wouldnt be able to have anything but hatred towards my wife if i were the OP.


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## Patswife (Feb 22, 2013)

I just wanted to ring in here. My H was unfaithful. I too do not want to lose my marriage. My kids are grown (22 and 18), but still it seems important to me not to break up the family. It has taken three years, and some really good advice here to finally be on the path to recovery. I needed the truth, he was afraid to tell me anymore than I already knew. Maybe your W is in the same place. Be persistent, if she is who you want and you believe in your marriage, I believe that you can get thru this. Just don't give up. Kids will also learn alot from watching unhappy parents become happy again.


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## Jadiel (Oct 10, 2012)

Well, there we have it. We just got done talking a little while ago...she says she can't live with our marriage like this, and I told her that's how she chose it to be, and she said "I love you, but I don't love us." Which I expect is the same as "I love you but I'm not in love with you". 

Ah well, it's kind of relieving.


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## Jadiel (Oct 10, 2012)

Oh and even better, she decided to finally "Unburden her soul" to me....it's about half the guys I suspected anyway. So far 11 guys and one girl (part of a 3 way). That's just awesome!


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## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

well, she's sexually liberated, that's for sure.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Look after the kids.


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## SevenEight (Feb 6, 2013)

I read something a week or two ago that helped me with being betrayed by the one I love, even if just for a few moments. Don't remember who posted it, but it went something like this:


Imagine yourself being so dishonest, betraying and deeply scarring the woman you love most and knew you were with for life. Imagine how horrible it would make you feel to do that. Imagine how repulsive that would feel.

Now think about her, having the capability to do this. It might make you actually feel sorry for her lack of integrity, for the lack of basic human compassion needed to act in that way.


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## Jadiel (Oct 10, 2012)

Ya know what gets me the most? Not even the sex, but some of these guys were friends that she frequently invited over. But it was AFTER they started screwing. Who does that? Who invites their affair partner over to rub in their spouse's face?


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

Jadiel said:


> Oh and even better, she decided to finally "Unburden her soul" to me....it's about half the guys I suspected anyway. So far 11 guys and one girl (part of a 3 way). That's just awesome!


Holy sh!t. That would kinda make a difference. To me. 
You staying?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

Jadiel said:


> Ya know what gets me the most? Not even the sex, but some of these guys were friends that she frequently invited over. But it was AFTER they started screwing. Who does that? Who invites their affair partner over to rub in their spouse's face?


A fvcking sociopath.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

All I know is this:

A woman who cheats.
Somehow, some way, she thought about it. She rationalized it. She compartmentalized it. 

In the end, she *justified* it. She overcame every moral fiber. She overcame her vows. She overcame everything that should have stopped her. 

Once a cheater, always a cheater.

She found a way past all those barriers before, and she will again. It's not a question of IF, and you know it. It's a question of how much more does she want the next thing before she reaches the same justification to cheat again.

And quite honestly, it sounds like her bar is pretty low.

Add compulsive lying to that and what you end up with if you stay with her will be an STD. 

The crazy thing is, I'm all about swinging and multiple sex partners.. but when it comes to agreed monogamy, then that's what it is, and cheating is cheating.

You ever known someone who was a bona-fide AHOLE who ever changed? Nope, cause it never happens except in the movies. Same goes with cheating.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

I tell ya man, i have a hard enough time sticking around after my wife had an affair with ONE guy. 
But 11? 15? 
Im afraid my kids and i would live a life apart from mommy. I know you want to keep your family whole, and i TOTALLY understand that, ok? Totally empathize. 
But is this the kind of woman you want as a role model for your children? Especially if you have daughters. 
Thats the hard question.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Jadiel said:


> Oh and even better, she decided to finally "Unburden her soul" to me....it's about half the guys I suspected anyway. So far 11 guys and one girl (part of a 3 way). That's just awesome!


She's suffering from some kind of mental illness. I don't think you can get yourself and the kids away from her fast enough.


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## silentghost (Jan 28, 2013)

Jadiel.....it's time for you to start taking a stand. YOur wife is not only toxic to you...but she's toxic to your kids as well. Posionous people need to go in order for the healthy to survive...emotionally, mentally and physically.

Naga is right....she's a very poor role model for your sons and daughters. You mentioned you had a son...would you want your son to marry a woman that is just like her....becuase you made a decision to stay with your unfaithful wife????
Or your daughter treating her husband like cr--p like your wife does to you???? 
I understand about wanting to stay in the marriage for the kids....but..unfortunately....there is a line that needs to be drawn when somebody (like your wife) crosses over and abuses the relationship. Take a stand Jadiel....the health of you and your kids are resting on your shoulders....because she obviously doesn't care.


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## King Ding Dong (Feb 23, 2013)

No wonder she wouldn't come clean about it. Your biggest challenge is how to keep the kids away from her. 

11 while she was married ? I have not had 11 in my whole life.

STD tests. Now!


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Cosmos said:


> Perhaps it can be a valid reason, but as an adult child of a philandering father - I wish my mother had divorced him rather than rear us in an atmosphere of dysfunctional anxiety.
> 
> We always knew far more than what our parents thought we knew, and what we didn't know terrified us.


I can make the same argument for kids that come from broken families.

The trauma is lifelong and affects all aspects of a kids psyche.

If two parents can get along civilly as well as long term room mates it's my opinion that as long as there's no abuse or blatant disrespect those kids are going to be better off in the long run.

The parents maybe not so much but that's the sacrifice I'm willing to make at least until my kids are old enough to understand and handle their parents divorcing.

My opinion is based upon every kid I've ever known that came from a divorced household .


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## King Ding Dong (Feb 23, 2013)

tacoma said:


> I can make the same argument for kids that come from broken families.
> 
> The trauma is lifelong and affects all aspects of a kids psyche.
> 
> ...


 I agree completely. Been through two divorces at 7 and 13. However, raising kids is real tough and I really don't see how most people could pull this off. I don't think they make a drug good enough to keep two people in a situation like that from going postal. 

And what happens when the parents start having outside relationships? What do you tell the kids when Mommy or Daddy have their "date" nights and don't come home until the next morning? They are not going to buy the BS forever. Is that a healthy environment to raise kids in?

She did at least 11 guys and one girl while she was married. She is not going to stop.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

tacoma said:


> I can make the same argument for kids that come from broken families.
> 
> The trauma is lifelong and affects all aspects of a kids psyche.
> 
> ...


Yes but how many people do you know who are from "intact" households who really have no idea how to relate to their partner long term because they never had that role model growing up.

It's a misnomer that kids can't be successful growing up with divorced parents. I divorced my wife 9 years ago now. My son now has a 3.4 grade point average in his first year of university in Computer Science and my daughter has an average in the mid 90's in grade 10 planning to become a veterinarian. Both are active in sports, have lots of friends and I've never received anything but positive comments about them from coaches, teachers and parent of their friends. By my definition they are very successful.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

in my situation, and this is just me, i would stay married to my wife for my kids, even if i was the most miserable SOB on the planet (im not, at all). and i would put on the face and act it out for my kids benefit, just like tacoma says, until they were old enough to understand what was going on.
thats just me. i want my kids to have their family together (the original one), even if it means i have to fake it and suffer. and like tacoma says, thats a sacrifice i would feel ABSOLUTELY justified in making for my kids.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Jadiel said:


> I just need to rant...I know everyone is going to tell me I'm an idiot. I know that. I just need to get stuff off my chest.
> 
> So after 3 months of interrogating and investigating, I finally gave up on learning the truth. I was tired of the trickle truthing. Every few weeks a new thing was coming out. Even incredibly pointless lies. She told me she gave some guy oral sex, and then later admitted to actual intercourse. Really what's the difference?
> 
> ...


If my wife picked up a hithchiker on a rainy night I would have incredibly upset with her. That is a dangerous and stupid thing to do. 

This is not the woman you were looking for. This cannot be healthy for the children.


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## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

naga75 said:


> in my situation, and this is just me, i would stay married to my wife for my kids, even if i was the most miserable SOB on the planet (im not, at all). and i would put on the face and act it out for my kids benefit, just like tacoma says, until they were old enough to understand what was going on.
> thats just me. i want my kids to have their family together (the original one), even if it means i have to fake it and suffer. and like tacoma says, thats a sacrifice i would feel ABSOLUTELY justified in making for my kids.


It's a statistical fact that kids from broken homes are no worse off than kids from "normal" homes. You would only succeed in enabling misery for yourself and wasted time on a life you could have, and should have had. I ENVY people who have the luxury of opting out of marriage. I don't. I hate to see it cast aside because of incorrect beliefs.


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## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

MaritimeGuy said:


> She's suffering from some kind of mental illness. I don't think you can get yourself and the kids away from her fast enough.


It's called porcupine syndrome. If she had as many schlongs poking out of her as she's had poked in her she'd look like a porcupine.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

Kaboom said:


> It's a statistical fact that kids from broken homes are no worse off than kids from "normal" homes. You would only succeed in enabling misery for yourself and wasted time on a life you could have, and should have had. I ENVY people who have the luxury of opting out of marriage. I don't. I hate to see it cast aside because of incorrect beliefs.


the beliefs you feel are correct are perhaps not the same as the ones i feel are correct. nothing wrong with that.
if i were truly miserable, i think i may come to the conclusion to leave.
but i am not, so i really dont consider it an option at this point.
and i do think that my daughter, whom i see every day and who runs into my arms hollering and with a giant grin when i come home from work would be "worse off" if i wasnt there every day.
thats just my opinion. but then, she's my kid, so my opinion is the only one that matters.


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## Kaboom (Feb 6, 2013)

naga75 said:


> the beliefs you feel are correct are perhaps not the same as the ones i feel are correct. nothing wrong with that.
> if i were truly miserable, i think i may come to the conclusion to leave.
> but i am not, so i really dont consider it an option at this point.
> and i do think that my daughter, whom i see every day and who runs into my arms hollering and with a giant grin when i come home from work would be "worse off" if i wasnt there every day.
> thats just my opinion. but then, she's my kid, so my opinion is the only one that matters.


I'm not citing a biblical belief- I'm simply stating the facts. 

Whether your kid runs into your arms every day or only 2 days every other week has no real bearing on how she will ultimately turn out. What you teach her, how you treat her, and her social grooming at both home and school will ultimately define who she is and how successful she is in life. Her mental health is your responsibility regardless if you are married or divorced, and like I said, it's statistical fact; how good a job of that you (and your wife) do has little to do with your martial status or living arrangements. It's all about how you make use of the time you do spend with her. 

There's certainly toxic effects like using her to get at each other, ignoring her, etc.. but good parents- divorced or not, tend to put the child first, and that's why those stats exist.. because bad parents aren't any better when they stay married, and thus the opposite is also truth.

This really isn't a big deal, I just really dislike when misinformation is repeated and tend to point it out when I see it.

If being in your daughters life every day is your #1 priority, then that's your perogative, and I commend you for being devoted to her on that level.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

thank you. it is absolutely my number one priority.
i dont see that i repeated any misinformation, simply stated what i myself would do based on my situation.


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

Please leave her.

I don't think you are doing your children any favors by staying. The truth will come out, and I believe your children will respect you a heck of a lot more if you split up but remain civil to your wife regarding parenting your children, rather than staying together knowing your wife sleeps around with other men and women, and look the other way.. Do you really think they will find that trait admirable? Would you want your kids to stay in that kind of marriage themselves? Kids ALWAYS figure out what's going on.

Lead by example.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

i agree with dafodilly.
i dont think i could handle it.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Jadiel, you're between a rock and a hard place. It sounds like you've decided to go the divorce route, based on this new info. Only 11? She's low balling you. Always take a woman's number and X 3.

You need to DNA the kids before you decide to stick it out for them. I might be willing to stay for MY kids, but I sure wouldn't stay for somebody else's kids. KWIM? Very strong odds you ain't the daddy.

If they do turn out to by yours, you have to decide to stay or go. Since your wife is a sexual adventuress, you can bet she's going to have playmates around your kids when you are out of the picture. Hell, she already has by your own account with you present. Some of these playmates may be more interested in your kids than they are in your wife. KWIM?

If the kids are yours and you leave, you need to try for full custody to protect your kids, but you probably won't get it.

If they're yours and you stay? I wouldn't expect her to change. If you're not a Christian, you could go the swinger route and at least you could get your jollies that way, but when the kids get older they'll figure it out and that's never good. The other options is just to tell her "open marriage."

Good luck.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

King Ding Dong said:


> I agree completely. Been through two divorces at 7 and 13. However, raising kids is real tough and I really don't see how most people could pull this off. I don't think they make a drug good enough to keep two people in a situation like that from going postal.


People can do it and do, I am capable of it in the situation I'm in now.



> And what happens when the parents start having outside relationships?


They don't, that's the point of "staying for the kids"



> She did at least 11 guys and one girl while she was married. She is not going to stop.


That's a situation where it can't be done because one of the parents prioritizes themselves over the kids.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

MaritimeGuy said:


> Yes but how many people do you know who are from "intact" households who really have no idea how to relate to their partner long term because they never had that role model growing up.


None, but I wouldn't know them unless I was in a relationship with them.



> It's a misnomer that kids can't be successful growing up with divorced parents.


I never said they couldn't.
I just implied the odds are against it being easy.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Kaboom said:


> It's a statistical fact that kids from broken homes are no worse off than kids from "normal" homes. You would only succeed in enabling misery for yourself and wasted time on a life you could have, and should have had. I ENVY people who have the luxury of opting out of marriage. I don't. I hate to see it cast aside because of incorrect beliefs.


Could you supply a reference for this assertion?


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> You need to DNA the kids before you decide to stick it out for them. I might be willing to stay for MY kids, but I sure wouldn't stay for somebody else's kids. KWIM? Very strong odds you ain't the daddy.


Are you suggesting that if the children turn out not to be his biologically that he turn his back on them after almost a decade of loving them and raising them as his own? Man...that's cold. 

The kids didn't do anything wrong.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Kaboom said:


> I'm not citing a biblical belief- I'm simply stating the facts.


Supported by...what?



> Whether your kid runs into your arms every day or only 2 days every other week has no real bearing on how she will ultimately turn out.


Simply untrue according to my life experience.
I know for a fact my daughter would not be better off with her mother full time than with me.
It's already been proven twice.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

Jadiel said:


> Ya know what gets me the most? Not even the sex, but some of these guys were friends that she frequently invited over. But it was AFTER they started screwing. Who does that? Who invites their affair partner over to rub in their spouse's face?


She sounds like the girl I dated with Borderline Personality Disorder.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

I'm just grasping at straws since u say u want to stay, but has she given any justification for why she cheats? Is it just that she wants other sexual partners? Is an open marriage a possibility? Swinging?


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

MaritimeGuy said:


> Are you suggesting that if the children turn out not to be his biologically that he turn his back on them after almost a decade of loving them and raising them as his own? Man...that's cold.
> 
> The kids didn't do anything wrong.


:iagree: Takes more than DNA to make someone be a 'father'. You could DNA them for your own knowledge if you wanted, but if it won't change your relationship with them, I don't see the point. Only hurt them more.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Wiserforit said:


> She knows you won't leave, and she knows why.
> 
> Get used to the lies because nothing is going to change. Ever.
> 
> Welcome to the rest of your life.


I don't want to leave nor do I have a problem with the rest of my life.

That's the point.


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

tacoma said:


> I don't want to leave nor do I have a problem with the rest of my life.
> 
> That's the point.


Have you considered that SHE may leave? Given your last conversation, she might get the ball rolling with divorce anyway, and then you won't really have a choice.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

MaritimeGuy said:


> Are you suggesting that if the children turn out not to be his biologically that he turn his back on them after almost a decade of loving them and raising them as his own? Man...that's cold.
> 
> The kids didn't do anything wrong.


He can still be their "uncle." CS? no way. She can sue the father for that.

Besides, we keep hearing how resilient kids of divorce are. They turn out the same and all that. Right?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

daffodilly said:


> Have you considered that SHE may leave? Given your last conversation, she might get the ball rolling with divorce anyway, and then you won't really have a choice.


I can only control what I do, I have no control over anyone elses actions.

I think you've got me confused with someone else anyway, I don't know what conversation you're referencing.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> He can still be their "uncle." CS? no way. She can sue the father for that.
> 
> Besides, we keep hearing how resilient kids of divorce are. They turn out the same and all that. Right?


I don't see having the person you always believed to be your father suddenly announce he's not and turn his back on you having anything to do with divorce. Fatherhood is not just about biology. There are biological fathers out their who aren't worthy of the name. There are also non-biological fathers out there who are everything you could ever ask for in a father. 

Kids aren't simply a financial liability. They are the most wonderful gift you could ever receive. Denying his kids at this stage would diminish his life as well as theirs. 

The children who are least impacted in a divorce scenario are those whose parents are both able to put the needs of the children first. The children who are hurt the worst are those whose parents try to make them pawns to get back at the ex.


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## stumblealong (Jun 30, 2010)

Machiavelli said:


> Only 11? She's low balling you. Always take a woman's number and X 3.


Is this a fact? Hmmm...

Anyways, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I understand staying in a bad situation because you believe it is better for the kids, I have done the same myself, to the point of losing myself. I am at the belief now, that seeing a parent very lost, and very unhappy is worse for the children. I want my child to grow up knowing what a happy person is like. Not this zombie'fied person I had become. I realized i had been following in my mothers footsteps of unhappiness, my sisters suffer from this also. My heart goes out to you and tha pain you are going through.

-Stumble


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## Jadiel (Oct 10, 2012)

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> I'm just grasping at straws since u say u want to stay, but has she given any justification for why she cheats? Is it just that she wants other sexual partners? Is an open marriage a possibility? Swinging?


Her justification is a number of things...not really justification, just reasons for why. 

First, there's the stuff that is my fault. No, I didn't make her cheat, but I neglected her. In all fairness to me, she always acted like it wasn't a problem. We weren't having sex but 2-3 times a month maybe, I was frequently passing out on the couch watching House. So we grew apart.

Second, she lost a ton of weight over the past 2 years. So about a year ago when this started, she's just starting to look "good" (I always thought she looked good, even as a big girl). Combine that with A) I'm barely noticing except when she brings it up and B) Other guys are constantly bombarding her with attention about how great she looks

Third, which includes part of 2, there's the thrill of being hit on. The excitement of realizing attractive people want to do you. The filling of a void you're not getting at home (attention). The staleness of the having the same sex every night. The excitement of a NEW penis. 

Then there's this convoluted **** she concocted, I'm not really sure about...she says she was on such an ego trip that she enjoyed "teasing" these guys...as in "You can have me tonight, but only my husband gets to have me EVERY night." 

We're still together. It's hard. There are many good aspects of this marriage, I'm fixing my problems, she's finally being honest about ****. I'm being a better husband and she's being a better wife. It aint perfect, but its working so far. 

And we've talked about having an open marriage. I want to sleep with other people. Not because of revenge, but fairness. She got to have all this extra fun, where's mine?

So far I've talked her and her best friend into a three way, which was awkward as all hell. And she's cool with me sleeping with one of her co-workers at some point too. 

Yeah...I'm turning into a sick, nasty person. 2 years ago, I thought the idea of anal sex, or ejaculating on a person, or a threeway, were totally out of bounds and beyond what I would want to do...I'm fairly vanilla. I'm not 100% sure I like this road I'm traveling down, but I'm willing to give it a shot.

Yes, yes I know all about being safe and everything...don't worry about that.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Sounds like the kids would be better off living with the grand parents. 

So you stay for the sake of the kids and now you are going to lead a life that will do nothing but hurt the kids when they find out. So to all those that say stay for the sake of the kids, is this the sort of home they should be raised in?


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

I couldn't live with that.

For me, what you are doing would be dragging myself down to her level.

Is it really what you want or are you clutching at straws?


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

> Yes, yes I know all about being safe and everything...don't worry about that.


The hell you say!

Sleeping with a woman who has had 12+ sex partners is NOT safe. It just isn't. 

You said nothing about if she is curtailing her activities.

So now you want to feel better by having tawdry emotionless body rubbings with strangers.

Do you consider this an advancement in your social and spiritual development?


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