# Husband Considering Divorce "Day by Day"



## Hopeful1 (Aug 31, 2010)

So it's been a while since I posted. To keep this short, the backstory is that my husband approached me in August, saying that he wasn't happy, has felt neglected for the past few years of our marriage due to my prioritizing my job and not giving him the attention he needs, can't tolerate screaming anger outbursts (sparked by depression and the stress of the job I hate), and wanted a divorce. Since then I've focused on myself, my flaws and faults, have been in therapy and learned tools to control my temper and have had zero outbursts since July, told my work to kiss my rear (no more overtime, etc.), and have made my husband and family my first priority. Period.

Husband and I have been in marriage counseling since the end of August. Counselor has admitted to seeing absolute change in my attitude, behavior and ways -- she sees me as my true self and no longer the shell of a woman I once was. I'm proud, confident and thrilled to be out from under my rock. My husband, however, is still having trust issues. He's afraid that these changes aren't permanent. He's afraid that I'll go back to my nasty self when the pressure sets in. He's afraid to trust loving me again and still has his wall up against me, touting that he loves me but he is still needing to fall in love with me again. Additionally, while he says he's "keeping an open mind" about the relationship, my husband has not done much actively to improve our marriage. He is not acknowledging my positive progress like the counselor does. He does not acknowledge any responsibility for any of our marriage issues -- he still solely blames me for why we're in this spot. He says he doesn't know if he can trust and love me again.

During our last session, our counselor put her foot down -- she basically told him to s**t or get off the pot. She said that she doesn't know if he can't or is unwilling to acknowledge my tremendous efforts and progress, but he's not giving me or our marriage any credit. She says that our issues are definitely fixable and that we can move forward and have a tremendous marriage. But it takes both of us to do so. She then told him that, unless he wants to improve the marriage and start giving some credit to me and our progress, we shouldn't be wasting our time/money on marriage counseling, but should be starting divorce mediation.

I think he was taken back by this "ultimatum" and has been acting a bit oddly this week. He's been spending time with me -- TV, movies, etc. -- although is still guarded physically toward me. He's been talking about doing things around the house, painting, repairs, upgrades, etc. But he hasn't mentioned his "choice." I also told him that I'm going home to visit my family on the other coast for a couple of weeks -- to clear my head and have some time to myself. He supported this decision as I haven't seen my family in a couple of years. I approached him gently last night about whether or not he'd made a decision and he said, "No. I'm taking it day by day."

Not sure what to make of this... Thoughts? Don't know how long I can endure this limbo, so he's going to have to make a decision in the near future. I'll also need to consider what's right for me. I love my husband and want my marriage to work with every ounce of my being. But I can't do it alone.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

I actually agree with pandakiss...just go and live your life. I wouldn't ask him about the marriage anymore, or what he plans on doing. You just do what you're going to do. Act like it doesn't matter to you. And fake it until you make it. I know you DO care, so it's going to be hard to act like you don't. You've made some great changes in yourself...too bad he isn't making any in himself. Kudos to your MC for rattling his cage. I think you need to rattle it further by ACTING as though you can go on without him. Go visit your parents, hang out with friends, etc. If he stays in this "limbo" longer than you're comfortable with, then the ball's in your court. You can't say you didn't try.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Perhaps some IC for him would be beneficial-to find out why the issues with him. In the meantime, keep working on yourself-you've come a long way. But, give him time-he may still feel that he is going to get the rug yanked out of under him again, and I fully understand where he is coming from. Yes, ther should be more effort from him, and I think he is slowly, cautiously, putting forth some effort, but again, it may take time.

But, let me leave with something out of left field, and it's just a theory, but one that I think should be considered: perhaps he feels that you've changed for the better so much, that deep down, you don't want him anymore? That this "new and improved" version of yourself no longer needs to "settle" for a guy like him, and that you may be thinking of a new man to fit your new outlook? If this is the case with him, he may simply be acting strangely to soften the potential blow that he feels may be around the corner.


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## Hopeful1 (Aug 31, 2010)

Thanks for your considerate responses. Panda and Major, yes, I think I am going to just have to take an "as if" approach and just do my thing. If I continue to show him that I've changed, he's more likely to get used to the idea. It will be hard because I do care about the marriage -- it means everything to me -- which makes me want to hold him, smother him, etc. as I feel like I'm standing on uncertain ground and that the floor might drop out from under me at any moment. But I have to find a way to move forward confidently and not let him see that. It's so out of character for me though as I'm a very affectionate "giver" at this point in our marriage...

F-102, he was open entirely to MC and has been going with me without reservation. He listens to the counselor -- things I've said a million times that he's ignored all of the sudden are revelations to him since she says it. Whatever works, I suppose. She did offer IC to both of us -- I've gone, he hasn't. He's delved into some pretty meaty personal stuff during our MC sessions, but was uncomfortable. I think he's afraid to dig too deep during an IC with her. And I know he doesn't think I don't want him anymore. I've made it crystal clear that he's the love of my life and I want to spend the rest of my life with him making him and our family the priority it should have been all along. He knows there is no way I'll ever cheat on him and that he is my one-and-only. He simply says that my actions made him put up a wall, fall out of love with me, and now he's afraid to let it down for fear that I'll go back to my old behaviors. I've assured him that I won't but I know that actions and time speak louder than words...

It's just confusing -- and a bit anxiety-inducing -- to know that he's "deciding" about our marriage and taking it day by day. He hasn't shown much interest in taking personal accountability and active steps to improve the marriage (because everything is my fault, of course) but he's not taking any steps toward the divorce he mentioned in August either...

Ugh.


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## angela85 (Jan 2, 2011)

Maybe this act of unhappiness to husband is only getting away their responsibility. Its best that you have time also to communicate with your husband everyday to clear things out if their are any problems.


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