# Emotional Abuse



## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

There are thousands of web pages out there describing emotional abuse. I came across this one, and found it to be quite a bit more insightful than most, which usually state the more obvious signs like name calling, yelling, isolating, etc. This article explains somewhat more subtle (and therefore more difficult to detect even if you're the victim) types of emotional abuse. 

*Types of Emotional Abuse*
Emotional abuse can take many forms. Three general patterns of abusive behavior include aggressing, denying, and minimizing.

*Aggressing*

Aggressive forms of abuse include name-calling, accusing, blaming, threatening, and ordering. Aggressing behaviors are generally direct and obvious. The one-up position the abuser assumes by attempting to judge or invalidate the recipient undermines the equality and autonomy that are essential to healthy adult relationships. This parent-to-child pattern of communication (which is common to all forms of verbal abuse) is most obvious when the abuser takes an aggressive stance.

Aggressive abuse can also take a more indirect form and may even be disguised as “helping.” Criticizing, advising, offering solutions, analyzing, probing, and questioning another person may be a sincere attempt to help. In some instances, however, these behaviors may be an attempt to belittle, control, or demean rather than help. The underlying judgmental “I know best” tone the abuser takes in these situations is inappropriate and creates unequal footing in peer relationships.

*Denying*

Invalidating seeks to distort or undermine the recipient’s perceptions of their world. Invalidating occurs when the abuser refuses or fails to acknowledge reality. For example, if the recipient confronts the abuser about an incident of name calling, the abuser may insist, “I never said that,” “I don’t know what you’re talking about, “ etc.

Withholding is another form of denying. Withholding includes refusing to listen, refusing to communicate, and emotionally withdrawing as punishment. This is sometimes called the “silent treatment.”

Countering occurs when the abuser views the recipient as an extension of themselves and denies any viewpoints or feelings which differ from their own.

*Minimizing*

Minimizing is a less extreme form of denial. When minimizing, the abuser may not deny that a particular event occurred, but they question the recipient’s emotional experience or reaction to an event. Statements such as “You’re too sensitive,” “You’re exaggerating,” or “You’re blowing this out of proportion” all suggest that the recipient’s emotions and perceptions are faulty and not to be trusted.

Trivializing, which occurs when the abuser suggests that what you have done or communicated is inconsequential or unimportant, is a more subtle form of minimizing.

Denying and minimizing can be particularly damaging. In addition to lowering self-esteem and creating conflict, the invalidation of reality, feelings, and experiences can eventually lead you to question and mistrust your own perceptions and emotional experience.

Here's a link to the entire article if anyone's interested. Counseling Center » Emotional Abuse

Another article very succinctly describes the effect emotional abuse has on the victim: 

*Results of Verbal and Emotional Abuse, from the Center for Relationship Abuse Awareness:*

A distrust of her spontaneity
A loss of enthusiasm
An uncertainty about how she is coming across
A concern that something is wrong with her
An inclination to reviewing incidents with the hopes of determining what went wrong
A loss of self-confidence
A growing self-doubt
An internalized critical voice
A concern that she isn't happier and ought to be
An anxiety or fear of being crazy
A sense that time is passing and she's missing something
A desire not to be the way she is, e.g. "too sensitive," etc.
A hesitancy to accept her perceptions
A reluctance to come to conclusions
A tendency to live in the future, e.g. "Everything will be great when/after ..."
A desire to escape or run away
A distrust of future relationships 

When I read this list, it hit me like a ton of bricks how well it describes me. Just thought I'd share some enlightening info for anyone else who might be wondering WTF is happening to them.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Sorry this is happening to you. You might want to look into Patricia Evan's books too.


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## whynotrightnow12 (Mar 30, 2013)

Thanks for the info. Don't forget about the eye-rolling that my husband loves to do and saying that I make a mountain out of a mole hill (after finding out about his 4 year-long EA through 1200 Facebook messages - still denying it after messages like "I love you Sweetheart. xoxoxo" to the OW).


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## whataboutthis? (Apr 5, 2013)

Great article. Thanks for sharing. The describes the first five years of my marriage to a T. Granted the aggressing was aimed at my oldest daughter and the rest was aimed at me when I would discuss his behavior toward her. Made me almost insane. Then came the knowledge of the infidelity. I responding to evidence, all of the above tactics were deployed against me. Thanks again for sharing.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

Yes, very interesting. I think a lot of us can learn something from this.

Thank you


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## Red2 (Apr 28, 2013)

Thank you for the info.


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## QuestioningMyMarriage (Apr 3, 2013)

DiverGal said:


> This actually made me cry. My husband does all of that stuff to me, especially the denying part. And I feel most if not all of the effects described. God d*mn it. I went from an emotionally abusive parent, to an emotionally abusive spouse and thought I was free of that kind of stuff when I divorced him. But apparently I married another one. I must be the stupidest woman out there.


You're not stupid. They are shape shifters. I just realized my H is passive aggressive and I felt really stupid for for not seeing it sooner. Try to remember to self-care if you can - take baths, go to bed early, whatever you can to take care of yourself.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

You aren't stupid. Have you been in any counseling?


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## olwhatsisname (Dec 5, 2012)

we ALL have stress of one kind or another, and we bring it with us from work/daycare/meetings, etc, and load/share/ vent/ unload. the strength we gain from each other depends so much on our beginnings, and people WE MEET as life comes at us how we learn to deal with others and our opinion of what LOVE IS. men & women deal with issues so differently.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Waking up to life said:


> There are thousands of web pages out there describing emotional abuse. I came across this one, and found it to be quite a bit more insightful than most, which usually state the more obvious signs like name calling, yelling, isolating, etc. This article explains somewhat more subtle (and therefore more difficult to detect even if you're the victim) types of emotional abuse.
> 
> *Types of Emotional Abuse*
> Emotional abuse can take many forms. Three general patterns of abusive behavior include aggressing, denying, and minimizing.
> ...


Wow. This list is dead friggin on. There were different degrees of the abuse, some of it was very harsh but some of it was soft.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Out of curiosity, how many people would NOT be classified as abusive to some extent if this is the criteria for it?


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

KathyBatesel said:


> Out of curiosity, how many people would NOT be classified as abusive to some extent if this is the criteria for it?


Agreed. Our culture at large gives us plenty of openings to invalidate each other. It behooves us all to pay attention to the real impact of what we say and how we say it. 

The list is useful for those of us who want to do better. It won't matter much to people whose personalities drive them to be walking/talking invalidation machines.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

questar1 said:


> Agreed. Our culture at large gives us plenty of openings to invalidate each other. It behooves us all to pay attention to the real impact of what we say and how we say it.
> 
> The list is useful for those of us who want to do better. It won't matter much to people whose personalities drive them to be walking/talking invalidation machines.


What can you do other than avoid them, or not listen to them or not allow them in your business?


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