# PLease Advice NEEDED>>



## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

My husband and i have major money issues. We do not agree on anything that has to do with money. I belive in saving, he believes in spending until we are in the red. I am constantly telling him that he needs to stop spending because it deducts from the money i set aside from our bills. Its a never ending argument between us and im at the point of having a nervouse stomach. I want to puke everytime we argue. Im fed up with this situation. We have a few thousand put away and that has been a struggle on its own. He always wants to pull money out and if it werent for the fact that i argue with him he would have squandered it by now. 

I am a stay at home mom and i dont plan to go back to work until my children are in school. I spent the last three years paying for daycare and working to help us save for a house. In the end we just got into 60k debt and my credt is now in the hole. I am filing for bankruptcy and im embarrased and hurt. He doesnt understand that his overspending on our checking and my cc caused this massive debt on MY shoulders. He took the last 6 years to rebuild his credit with my calls and various letters to the credit agencys only to screw mines up. 
In the end going to work was nothing more than hope he would get it and my son had to be without his mother for three years. Now i have a 6month old and I am not going to leave that baby behind for this selffish man to do as he pleases. 

And with all the problems we have because of the frivolous spending he purchases a 2500 dollar boat! My family says i should leave him because they see im so unhappy with him. 

I truly love him but i feel i am the only one that cares about our financial goals. Ive wanted to buy a home for the last 6 years and even if the market werent good we should be saving the money for it. I feel like he doesnt care enough to sacrifice his wants for OUR needs. Im so sad. 

My mother on the other hand understands I love him but also tells me that if i want to make it work im gonna have to stop arguing about money and let him squandor what ive worked so hard to put away. She figures that is the only way he will learn. 

Im scared. I figure he will just find another way to spend whether it be cc under his credit or cash advances from work. 

Has anyone else gone through this and survived it? Please I love my husband but I hate his selffish way of being. I need to know I will not wates 15 years of my life fighting for something he will never change. Im afraid my children will be latch key kids and make the same mistakes i made growing up. I havent left him ecause i still love him but my rope is being cut short everytime he proves to me he has no one else on his mind but himself. He keeps on telling me that he spends everything he does for "US" and that somehow I should be happy . Hes evil because he tells me with or without him i will never be happy. I dont even know why im still around except for the fact i still love him. urrrgh. btw im 24 hes 32.

Can anyone please help me? Anyone survive this? how long and how did you get your partner to finally be your partner??


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Unfortunately, I spent more than 20 years with a shopaholic. The man cannot manage money! As long as he has checks, he writes them regardless of the bank balance. Before we were married, I even broke off the engagement because of the huge problem. He then agreed to turn over all financial/money management to me....and we got married. That worked real well until he had his mid-life crisis at age 40 and took over all financial decision making. It has been a nightmare. We are now more than $2 million in the red.

I hate to say this, but I don't think your husband can be "fixed". He has different priorities than you. He places a higher priority on fun than necessities and saving for a rainy day. You may also be dealing with a bigger core problem as well. Sometimes men behaving like your husband also suffer from the Peter Pan Syndrome. They live in Never Never Land and refuse to grow up. They are all about having fun and rarely about being a responsible adult. If that's the case, there's really not much success rehabbing someone the age of your husband.

Good luck!


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

> I truly love him but i feel i am the only one that cares about our financial goals. Ive wanted to buy a home for the last 6 years and even if the market werent good we should be saving the money for it.


These are your (singular) financial goals, not both of yours. Your (singular) goal is to purchase a home, not his. 

I really feel for you, I'm a saver and a budgeter and a comparison shopper by blood and by necessity. What you describe would drive me crazy.

Have you really sat down together and TALKED about what your (plural) financial goals are? Drawn up a list, written how much, for what, by when, and how to get? 

My H and I did this about a month after we got married and we revisit the list about every 6 months (adjustments, check-ups) and it does work. My H is more of a spender than I am but luckily he's disciplined enough to give me all his receipts at the end of the day so I don't have to put him on an "allowance"! But I know lots of couples where the one who does the finances gives the other a weekly or monthly "allowance" to spend on whatever s/he wants, and the rest is bills, savings, retirement - the spender spouse can't touch it. It seems to work for a lot of couples, but only when the spender spouse is not in denial about his habits.

As a housewife with a very small income compared to my husband's, I always try to be sensitive to the idea that it really is money that HE made, and he should get to have fun with some of it at least. I'd advise not trying to take over all the money in an effort to get a handle on things... baby steps are probably the way to go - you don't want a fight to blow up in which he points out that it's HIS money that HE worked for because that could get ugly.


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## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

Yes we have sat down together and planned beyond belief. But with all the planning in the world he still screw me over. Im sorry thats the way I feel. We have two small children. Life isnt about Him nor I. It about what we can do for OUR family. Thats how I see it. If It were Him and I alone, I wouldnt care at all what he did because I would just make my own money or leave him. 

Im a housewife and I understand that he is the bread winner. But I do alot for him as a housewife and deserve my opinions be respected. Especially being that they are not selffish ones. Im just so frustrated and feel like im fighting a battle that i lost a loooong time ago. 

He does have mild peter pan syndrome. I say mild because he does keep his job (thank god) and he is a good person at heart, but he only thinks about himself. 

As far as solutions go, Ive tried it all i think, I did the allowance, we would sit down together to draw up plans we both wanted, we would budget, and do everything else I could think of or was suggested to us. 

Im just so tired. Now he is always lying too. Like yesterday he told me he only had 10 dollars cash and now he has more and wouldnt tell me where he got it from. I manage the accounts so i know what hes spending and taking out and theres no money having been taken out. I dunno. Im just so sad and feel let down all the time. I feel so alone. 

Im praying for peace while i try to figure our how much longer to deal with it, I just had to let go. And i pray for the patience to not have a mental breakdown because of him. I have to credit because of him and im worried sick about our money. I already had to take out 1 grand from our savings because he used our rent money on crap. . Im now doing the only thing I have refused to do. Let go of it all and let him crash and burn. Letting him feel it the month we cant pay our bills because of his irrispnsibility. I feel like a horrible person, but how else can i say it. My family and his great aunt (who I adore and trust dearly) tell me let him burn it all he will fall on his face and then come to you for help. IM SO SCARED!!! URGH


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Squandering it all IS probably the only way he will learn. BUT I don't think that's the best method to deal with this for your entire family. 

My ex-husband was kind of like this. I found that the best way to deal with it was to give him cash every week - $X for gas, $X for spending, and so forth. No check card and no checks to be able to access the account and have "unlimited" spending. It seemed like a very parent kind of thing to do to him, but it was the only way to keep from being so far in debt that we'd never get out. 

My recent ex-boyfriend was also like that. Unfortunately, with his job, I couldn't restrict his spending like that. He was abusive, which was the main reason I left him, but the fact that I was constantly juggling to figure out how to pay the bills certainly didn't help. 

Can you maybe move some of the money to a savings account in your name only without his knowledge? That way, if he goes through the rest, you'll have it fall back on? Plus, that'll let him run through whatever else you've got, and you can make him sweat thinking there's nothing to pay the bills before you pull out that other account and manage to pay the bills.


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## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

/yes ive done that too. and he refuses to do it because he feels hes being treated like a child. Anyways, I keep seeking advice from family and friends and they all tell me to just let go and let God. I have no clue how to let go of the only thing that will get us through this life. Without money there is no food. Right? 

Well I guess my next question is this...They keep advising me on how i need to be smart. And everytime I hear that I think "what the F*** does that mean? I am smart. How much smarter can I get?" The only thing I've bveen able to understand about thie piece of advice is that as a woman I have to know how to play my husband. How I can kill him with kindness. 

Unfortunately i have never had that skill and with all the issues sorrounding us I have been unable to put on a happy face for him. I dont even greet him at the door anymore. I just unlock it and walk away. Jeeez sounds super *****y huh? Well it all my frustration and I keep praying for guidance but i fel lost, 

For all those couples out there, especially the women, What doe sit mean when they say " AS A WOMAN YOU HAVE TO SMARTER THAN HE IS???" " MEN ARE CREATURES OF HABIT" . 

Am i supposed to turn my back and pretend all is okay until he realizes hes an ass? How long will it take before he sees my change and changes himself? Thats what i am most afraid of. How do i do this. How can i be smarter than him?


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