# he's so forgetful!



## Chopblock (Mar 21, 2008)

He being me, at least, her opinion of me.

Without going into too many irritating details and whining, I feel like I have enough stuff to remember. All bills always paid on time, food gets cooked for her, all needs met. But if I forget to ask so and so some stupid question she wanted me to ask, well then I'm worthless and have to be nagged and reminded to do everything.

I feel like remembering 9/10 things is the equivalent of 0/10. Its all or nothing! Yes occasionally I forget things I was asked (and these requests usually come while I'm in the middle of the last thing).

So women, what do you need to see in order to be convinced your man has improved? I feel I'm fighting a lost battle and even if I remember everything for 6 consecutive months, that first forgetful moment will erradicate everything?

Should I just say "if you are so perfect, YOU handle everything" and wash my hands of it? I get fed up with being the only one that seems interested in improving.


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## Chris H. (Jan 27, 2007)

Chopblok,

Judging by past participation in the forums, you're not too quick to take hints sometimes. Is it possible you do the same thing to your wife?

You get really defensive when confronted. Try to take the blame more often, and admit to mistakes. It doesn't mean you're a "bad" husband. We all screw up sometimes.

The "black or white thinking" will cause problems for you as well. Don't venture into that realm of "all or nothing," relationships won't work that way because people just aren't "all good" or "all bad." There's a little of both in all of us.

If you want to show her improvement, just saying, "I'm sorry, I'll try not to do it again," and leaving it at that will probably go a long way.


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## Chopblock (Mar 21, 2008)

[[If you want to show her improvement, just saying, "I'm sorry, I'll try not to do it again," and leaving it at that will probably go a long way.]]

Problem is, I've BEEN saying that, and without enough perceived improvement, to her, those are just empty words, even though I really do try.

[[you're not too quick to take hints sometimes]]

I'm not sure what you are referring to here -- are you saying that she wouldn't have to outright remind me to do something if I was picking up on her hints? That may be fair (we'll pretend that the hint is understandable, and not completely obscure).

I'm also curious to hear if anyone out there ever had success by just going on strike to make someone realize just how good they have it? I mean while I do forget things I'm asked occasionally, I still feel that I do WAYYYYY too much for her to ever complain.

While I do realize that getting it right as much as possible will help, I need some more obvious gestures (besides "oh just talk to her") that make her see the improvement. This may not even be about me doing better, more about getting her to appreciate just how bloody good she has it! 

I'm getting fed up with hearing women say things like "if he just helped with the housework, i'd be so happy". I then realized that the reason they say this is because they are used to worse. If I get my gf used to worse, maybe she'll appreciate just how good things are.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Chopblock said:


> I'm also curious to hear if anyone out there ever had success by just going on strike to make someone realize just how good they have it? I mean while I do forget things I'm asked occasionally, I still feel that I do WAYYYYY too much for her to ever complain.
> 
> If I get my gf used to worse, maybe she'll appreciate just how good things are.


Just my opinion but I think trying manipulative tactics aren't healthy for a couple. Sounds like a better approach for children...which I admit I have done...when they leave their dirty clothes all over the floor and I have to pick it up to do laundry...I finally said, if it's not in your hamper, it's not getting washed...of course my middle one came down the stairs in suit pants one day because he had no clean jeans to wear 

I would suggest just changing what you do when she asks you to do things...like if she says 'oh, when you see so and so ask him this' have a canned response like 'i'll probably forget by then will you remind me right before I leave' or whatever that will make you remember...it's showing her that you do care but still may not remember when the time comes. I would guess if her reaction to you forgetting is blown way out of proportion that she may be taking it personal...ie you don't care enough to remember...and may be just a difference in personalities...it wouldn't bother me but I do it sometimes too...whereas I have 1 friend from childhood and if I ever forgot to acknowledge her birthday, she would be very hurt...but she NEVER forgets mine.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

All women are not like that. I know my wife isn't. Some men are like that although I am not. But it seems like you hav a real personality clash here and you need to figure out what you really want.

draconis


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## Chopblock (Mar 21, 2008)

[[and may be just a difference in personalities...]]

I'm the type who will do something myself, while she tends to ask me to do things that I perceive as being insignificant or lazy. I may be taking this TOO personally, but sometimes it also seems she believes that if she asks me to do something, she is therefore absolved of the responsibility of remembering, and if it doesn't get done, its my fault.

I like the canned response idea, thank you. I had already started trying to avoid statements that paint me as a victim (ie: I already have 10 other things to do, do it yourself) in favor of something simpler like "no". Most of the times I INSTANTLY say "hold on" because I will not become the butler in my own home.

Its not that her reaction is blown out of proportion (as a tantrum would be) its more that feeling I fear of her being disappointed and thinking that I'm not a man and she has to handle everything (which quite frankly is as inaccurate as saying the sky is red ). When it all comes down to it, she really does have it easy cuz I've been stupid and spoiled her by taking care of stuff. All it got me was an ingrate who is going to argue at every cutback I want to make (side lesson: NEVER set the bar too high or you'll keep having to raise it).

And yes, I'd rather not be a manipulator, but I'm really wondering about this whole "reverse course" thing. Ie: a classic relationship mistake is to try and do more for your partner in the hopes that it will rekindle reciprocity. Unfortunately in many cases, all it serves to do is guarantee that the giver gives more -- it essentially rewards bad behavior by saying "I'm not happy with your contribution, so I'm going to do more". If I've learned nothing else, I've learned this.

So first, I just want to understand whether there are specific things that make a woman realize that the man really IS doing a good job. I do realize this will differ from woman to woman (ie: in some of your homes, if he washes a dish without being asked, he gets a parade). I really really do feel like I do too much, so every time I disappoint her, I feel mad at myself for failing but also mad at her.

Its probably a moot point at this point, and one of those things we just have to live with about each other. I will try a different canned response, one that conveys the care but enforces the point.

Thank you.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Chopblock said:


> So first, I just want to understand whether there are specific things that make a woman realize that the man really IS doing a good job. I do realize this will differ from woman to woman (ie: in some of your homes, if he washes a dish without being asked, he gets a parade). I really really do feel like I do too much, so every time I disappoint her, I feel mad at myself for failing but also mad at her.


I think for both men and women, many times the answer mirrors how they grew up. If mom did cooking/cleaning and dad did all of the yard work they may have the same expectations as far as how work is divided up at home. 

I'm in an odd situation with this myself because being on my own with three kids prior to meeting my husband the choice was do it or pay someone to do it and when I remarried my husband was 33, never married, lived by himself so when he cleans up after the kids in the morning before I come downstairs I do appreciate it. Mainly because he knows I leave the kitchen clean when I go to bed and get annoyed when the kids get up and make a mess, so I know he's doing it for me.

I do think it has a lot to do with personality. I don't like to ask for help and am used to doing what needs to get done, so I do appreciate any time my husband or kids step in to help.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

maybe she had set the bar to high with the amount of sex she was giving up originally.

draconis


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