# Looking for reasonable limits regarding In-laws calling, stopping by, etc.



## bradlyallen1 (Jan 2, 2011)

Married 10 years and my wife's parents live 3 miles away. She is very close with her parents but I can't handle how involved they are in our (my) life. They are very nice people but don't seem to realize that they are crossing some boundaries. My wife gets veyr upset about talking about this and is very resistant to establishing any rules regarding this sort of thing and even less willing to tak to her parents about the issue. Over the years I have sometimes suspected that I am more an add-on to the life my wife had with her parents and less a definitive next step for her. A few Examples:
1. Our wedding was to be in Charlottesville, VA-Her mom was distraught and in tears about having to plan a wedding that wasn't in Columbus. I gave in-a choice I have always regretted.
2. Her parents called our house as much as 4-5 times a day, including daily at our dinner time, never left messages, would just call back. Often I wouldn't answer and one evening about 8pm while my wife wasnt home they called every 15 minutes for 1 1/2 hours, when I finally answered they just wanted to see if the grandkids had a good day. We disconnected our landline after years of my complaining and now they will sometimes call my cell to ask where wife is if she doesn't answer hers.
3. Stopping by unnanounced or with minimal notice every day. 
4. They always just come in. After multiple requests they ring the doorbell they are finally sometimes using it.
5.Father in law rides bicycle alot. I routinely see him riding back and forth down our cul-de-sac standing up on his pedals leering at our our home as he slowly rides by.
6. Just this New Years Eve we were at a friends for a party, I went out to the car to get something and saw their car driving by, they later told my wife they just wanted to drive by and see if we were there.
7. Father in law drives by busstop near daily when I take the kids to wait for the bus.
8. There is lots more but you get the picture.

I don't normally ask others for advice but I intend to share this with my wife so she can see what others have to say about this. Anyone else have helpful suggestions for handling a problem like this?


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

They sound a bit obsessed. Almost comes across a little stalkerish. I understand being close to your family etc, but thats a little over the top. Do you know of any reason they might be like this? Did something happen to her in her childhood or something that makes them feel overly protective and needs to know her whereabouts etc? Does your wife have any brothers or sisters that they are like this with also? I think some boundaries need to be established. However, I doubt your wife will be the one to do it.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

My basic question is what is worse to you, the #2 status you have with your wife, or the endless survillance of her parents?

That determines how you play things out a great deal.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Damn, it sounds like _Everybody Loves Raymond_ only with the wife's family. My heart goes out to you. I'd go NUTS living like that. I think I'd put out a contract on those people. 

My parents lived on the next block from us for a few years. My mother would call, stop by unannounced. It annoyed ME as much as my husband so I read the riot act to her and told her NOT to call at meal times and just leave a message...no repeat calls. No "stopping by" unexpected allowed either. If they did, I asked them to leave. After awhile they got the message and did as I requested after much grumbling. Finally they moved to Florida. :rofl:

Thing is, your wife is the problem as much as the in laws. She has to be the one to tell them to knock it off, otherwise they'll just say that you are the problem and complain endlessly about how horrible an influence you are on their daughter. Sounds like she's not agreeing with you though. 

I knew a couple that got married and the wife would NOT cut the apron strings with her parents. She talked to her mother 5 times a day on their honeymoon. The parents practically lived at the house. The marriage lasted 6 months. I feel for you. I couldn't put up with this crap. I'd move far away if I were you. 

Damn in laws. In my next life I'd marry an orphan.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

My daughter was the one calling incessantly. If she couldn't get me on the cell phone, she'd call my SO. I disconnected the house phone b/c of her. When I reconnected it (I wanted the internet back at the house, got tired of cell phone internet), I didn't tell her what the number was, and it's unlisted. She got the point.

My SO's mother lives ONE HALF mile from us. For the most part, she minds her own business...she's got her own life to live (thank goodness) and isn't overly concerned with ours. She's only 10 years older than I am (my SO is 10 years younger than me) so she has finally realized I'm not some younger girl who is intimidated by the MIL. And I DO like my MIL..but she has crossed boundaries a coupla times. I would speak to her immediately when she'd done something, then my SO would trip over to her house later and have the "boundary" talk again. If he didn't, I WOULD. 
If you don't want someone walking in without ringing the bell, LOCK THE DOOR. I can't imagine anyone in this day and age leaving their doors unlocked in the 1st place. As far as their driving around, calling, etc...SOMEONE is going to have to talk to them. If your wife isn't up to the task (shame on her, btw for not doing so already) then it's going to have to be up to you. And if they don't like it, too bad. It's nice that they CARE (and I'd make sure you soften the blow by telling them you're glad that they love their grandchildren, etc.) but they ARE overstepping boundaries, and if y'all are going to get along and stay the course they're going to have to respect those boundaries. Try to come to a happy medium. You might could lighten up on SOME things, and they're going to have to reign themselves in on others.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

my h and i reg dont answer the door [our families live 700 miles away]. but we are lazy, if the kids are in school, we "peek" and if is not a emergency car or something like that, we just walk away from the door

so we dont have family barging in nooo we have the apt manager letting him self in---for no good reason other than to snoop snitch and run tell dat...

my husband adn i are adults with 4 kids, when those little buggers are off to school, and my h has the day off...its nude time. i always say one day they will walk in on a ugly scene [we aint porn stars] and tha'll learn 'em. HAHAHAHA


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

First year married we lived in the trailer court my in-laws ran. Big mistake!


Her father would want to come over for coffee at 5:45, 6 a.m. on sundays, or really any morning he felt like coming over. And yes, we locked the door. He had a key.

She wouldn't tell him to not come over. Too chicken.

I was trying to be polite, but man! I worked late and was in school full time.

If I wanted to sleep late, it was Sunday morning. Hey, or what if I wanted bone his daughter?

I finally figured out how to get him to stop it. And it totally worked.

Next time he showed up for coffee I called him up at midnight, rousing him out of a sound sleep.

He was really alarmed at first, thinking there was an emergency. So he asks me why I called him at such an inconvenient hour. I told him these are the hours I like to talk to people and I wanted to comment on something he'd brought up when I was asleep that morning.

Lightbulb moment.

He didn't do it again.

Sometimes you have to take the fight to the enemy.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Some of the things you mention YOU have the power to easily change. If you don't want them walking in, lock the door. If they have a key, perhaps change the locks and when you give them the new key, stress that it is for emergencies only and maybe even give examples of an emergency so they're clear on it. As for them calling your cell when your wife doesn't answer hers, do you have caller ID? If so, just ignore it and send it to voicemail when they call. Or...answer it and then call your wife and tell her "Your parents just called and interrupted me in an important meeting looking for you. You need to call them and when you do, please tell them not to call me anymore while I'm at work." Gradually increase that to include other times and situations until she gets the hint, and if she doesn't, then just flat out tell her parents that you are not with her, so you don't know where she is or why she isn't answering her phone and they need to stop calling you and just call her. 

I'm very close with my own parents, and my boyfriend knew this going in. However, I also have some very clear boundaries with them, set by both sides. They have never walked into my home without knocking except when my ankle was broken and it was hard for me to get around. Even then, they'd usually knock and then announce themselves as they let themselves in, or call to let me know they were coming. I have a key to their home, but I never just let myself in unless I know for a fact they are not home, and even then, I let them know I will be using it. We call each other often, but if we don't reach each other, we leave a message and wait for a call back. If we don't get one after a reasonable amount of time (usually several hours, or even a day or so), then we will call again, but again, just leave a message and wait. 

You'll need to set the boundaries, since your wife won't. If it doesn't do any good, then you'll have to decide if you can live like this for the rest of your life.


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