# My husband won't help improve our sex life



## cmwife (May 19, 2017)

My husband and I have been together for 6 years, married for 4. We rushed into marriage a bit, because I was pregnant. We were happy and loved each other, it just sped things up. I was young and didn't put too much importance on a good sex life. I have never had an orgasm from anything but a vibrator. Not from a man or my own hands. So maybe this is all a waste of worry, and I just can't do it. 

Since our daughter was born my husband's sex drive has taken a pretty big hit, as has the quality of our sex. Saying the sex sucks would be fair. We don't kiss, don't look at each other, always 1 of 3 positions. It's like I'm not even there. I am there, still and silent and my mind wanders to anything other than what we're doing or wondering when he will be done. The thing is... he says he enjoys our sex life. I read about many men complaining because their wife is a "dead fish", apparently mine likes that?! What? Half the problem is he doesn't last long at all. If I act into it, kiss him, touch him, he lasts for about 1 second. In the beginning of our relationship the sex was good, but I had to hold back on showing any sign that it was good if I wanted it to last. Now (and I don't know why) the sex physically doesn't feel good for me. There is just no pleasure anymore. He rarely goes down on me, if he does he doesn't have patience. Yesterday he said maybe we are sexually incompatible, but he doesn't even try to fix it! 

He also won't tell me what he's into (fantasies or fetishes). There has to be something, but he says he doesn't have any. I searched his internet history to try and see what porn he looks at, but didn't really find anything because he clears his history or uses incognito. The only ones that I saw were Asian (can't do anything about that), lesbian (he has said it would be hot, but I'm not bi so no), MFM or FMF (says he isn't into), and two videos of a guy having anal penetration from a woman/toy (says he is not into at all). I know people can look at random stuff, I have. 

I just don't know what to do at this point. The rest of our relationship is a work in progress, but sex isn't improving at all. I want good sex... I have never had what I'd consider great sex and my mind sometimes wanders to cheating or being with other men. I almost, or maybe not really but could have, cheated a 3 days ago and I don't want that.


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## Mollymolz (Jan 12, 2017)

Why don't​ you get a vibrator and introduce it into your sex play? My husband doesn't​ last long either so we got a vibrator and we'll use it to keep me stimulated while he 'calms down'. Also it sounds like you need more for play. It will definitely help 

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## Mollymolz (Jan 12, 2017)

Also could there be no pleasure because you've already decided there won't be before starting sex due to your previous experiences? 

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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

You say he's not doing anything to try to improve things but it doesn't sound like you're doing anything beyond complaining either OP. He has issues with premature ejaculation which is most often linked to anxiety, your impatience won't help. What practical things have you guys tried? ****-rings? Reducing the time between ejaculating? Vibrator on you till right before you cum and then he inserts?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Your post seems so full of contradictions. You've never given yourself an orgasm with your own hands and feel as if you are wasting your time worrying about something unimportant. But yet you want a better sex life and blame your husband for not taking responsibility for improving your pleasure. 

While pleasure can be given and taken, it generally works better when you take responsibility for your own pleasure and then share that with your partner. 

Have you ever used a vibrator in front of your husband?


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## cmwife (May 19, 2017)

I have bought different vibrators and my husband is totally fine (and encouraging) for me to use them during sex, or on my own. I find them awkward to use during sex, it feels like it interferes with the penetration aspect. My husband is "one and done", once he finishes we're done for the day. He is totally turned off as soon as he finishes, so even I'm not done and use a vibrator he gets up and leaves or lays beside me ignoring me. He says he likes when I use a toy while we're just laying in bed, but it's awkward as hell because he doesn't "participate" at all. Just stares at the TV or his phone. No touching my, no kissing. 

I want it to feel good, I don't think I'm psyching myself out. 

I don't think I'm just complaining... I don't think I'm impatient...I don't know maybe I'm wrong and just being a *****... 

He refuses to use a **** ring. We bought a numbing spray but he refused to use that after we got it. If I use a vibrator and remove it right before I orgasm, shows over and it won't happen. I have to leave it there through the orgasm.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Some women get to the point that they can only orgasm with a vibrator because that's all they do. A vibrator is more stimulating than a hand or oral. But, there are things you can do to learn or orgasm without a vibrator.

Your husband seems to be having his own problems with sex.

You two sound like great candidates for going to a sex therapist. Why not find a marriage counselor who is also a sex therapist and fix this? It's a lot less heart breaking and expensive than a divorce.


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## cmwife (May 19, 2017)

I have asked him if he'd want to try sex therapy. He doesn't think we need it and thinks it is a waste of money. 

I've used a vibrator to orgasm for 10-ish years. So maybe our issues are my fault...


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

When you use a vibrator, do you use it on your clitoris, or do you insert it into your vagina? Many women do not find vaginal insertion sexually arousing. My wife does not. She can only be aroused and climax by having her clitoris massaged.

I've read that there is a huge percentage of women this is true for. Something around a third or more.

In our case it works fine, since I enjoy performing cunnilingus on her for long periods of time. When we do get around to vaginal sex one of us masturbates her clitoris. Mary also does have a vibrator which she occasionally uses while we are having traditional Penis In Vagina sex. 

My personal suspicion about your enjoyment is if you go too long without an orgasm sexual stimulation can become a bother instead of a blessing. I swear I read that somewhere once.


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## cmwife (May 19, 2017)

When I use a vibrator I put it on my clitoris. I (or anyone else) have never been able to find my g-spot. I'm starting to think the thing is a myth. I've tried toys that are suppose to target that area and I don't feel anything special. My husband has tried time and time again with no luck. Using a toy for penetration doesn't hit my g-spot but does feel better than sex. For me (and I don't like saying it because it's embarrassing) anal sex feels better than vaginal sex. I don't know why. But my husband isn't into it AT ALL. He suggested using a toy during sex for double penetration but it physically would not work.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Is he willing to take care of you first - oral, vibrator, whatever works? 

One and done can be an issue physically, many men can't get an erection again, but that shouldn't stop him from finding other ways to please you. 

Was he always like this?



cmwife said:


> I have bought different vibrators and my husband is totally fine (and encouraging) for me to use them during sex, or on my own. I find them awkward to use during sex, it feels like it interferes with the penetration aspect. My husband is "one and done", once he finishes we're done for the day. He is totally turned off as soon as he finishes, so even I'm not done and use a vibrator he gets up and leaves or lays beside me ignoring me. He says he likes when I use a toy while we're just laying in bed, but it's awkward as hell because he doesn't "participate" at all. Just stares at the TV or his phone. No touching my, no kissing.
> 
> I want it to feel good, I don't think I'm psyching myself out.
> 
> ...


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

The G-spot issue is often debated. Mary's is not useful, either. I have studied anatomy, advanced courses, and I do know exactly where to feel for it. I know what I am feeling. She just has low sensation there. Personally I think that was good while bearing the babies. Let the controversy go on, it doesn't matter. The clitoris is right there, easy to find, and a wonderful toy.

For Mary she needed to free her mind to learn to have orgasms with only her fingers. That was a significant step for her. She had special problems to overcome to be able to think about sex, so she is a poor case study. She's all I have, though. For her the vibrator was what I considered industrial muscle to overcome her psychological reluctance.

However, I was always right there encouraging her, doing everything I could to make sure she had as sexual an environment around her as I could figure out she might need. I suspect you are going to need to learn to achieve orgasms without a vibrator on your own, where the distraction of having a partner who is ignoring you is not putting a dampening effect on your ardor. Which brings you to the question of what do you think about while you touch yourself?

That's where Mary got stalled out. She could not think about sex, for years she would just panic.

And since this is a public forum, lots of people will rage it is wrong to think about sex, to fantasize. Personally I think fantasies are fun, and add to the richness of life. Everyone needs to decide for themselves, of course.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

cmwife said:


> I have bought different vibrators and my husband is totally fine (and encouraging) for me to use them during sex, or on my own. I find them awkward to use during sex, it feels like it interferes with the penetration aspect. *My husband is "one and done", once he finishes we're done for the day. He is totally turned off as soon as he finishes, so even I'm not done and use a vibrator he gets up and leaves or lays beside me ignoring me. He says he likes when I use a toy while we're just laying in bed, but it's awkward as hell because he doesn't "participate" at all. Just stares at the TV or his phone. No touching my, no kissing. *
> 
> I want it to feel good, I don't think I'm psyching myself out.
> 
> ...


I had one of those and life never got better. Knowing what I do now I would have given him 6 months to seek therapy and to take pro active steps to improve the situation instead of wasting years. On the flip side we managed to have 3 amazing children.

Have since repartnered with a man that I am sexually compatible with and yes the grass is greener on the other side.

Honestly sweet heart don't waste your pretty years on a non sexual man, the resentment and frustration will suck the life out of you.


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## cmwife (May 19, 2017)

uhtred said:


> Is he willing to take care of you first - oral, vibrator, whatever works?
> 
> One and done can be an issue physically, many men can't get an erection again, but that shouldn't stop him from finding other ways to please you.
> 
> Was he always like this?


Sort of. He wants me to use a vibrator first, but he won't use it. He just lays beside me, doesn't talk, doesn't touch me, doesn't kiss me. He will go down on me, but not long enough for me to orgasm. I've never timed it, but maybe 5-10 minutes then he's bored or just done. 

Once he ejaculates he's totally done. He isn't in the mood at all and has never laid a finger on me once he's done. He doesn't want to and won't. So if he finishes first, which he always does, funs over and I can finish alone if I want to. In the beginning of our relationship he was much more willing to take care of me first, sometimes after. He also won't touch my boobs since having a baby, apparently breastfeeding ruined that for him and he went from being a "boob guy" to an "ass guy".


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

Honestly, it sounds to me like he doesn't care if you orgasm or not. Do I have that right? He rarely attempts to please you and he gives up easily. And he turns down any suggestions from you to seek help.

I'd tell him this is a problem for you and that you need improvement in this area.

I'd tell him from now on you need his help making sure you come. And that you plan to go first. Only then will you two move on to his orgasm.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

That's too bad. 

If he were a bit kinky, I'd suggest tying him up and making *sure* he took care of you >

Sadly I expect that isn't an option. Sounds like he is moderately selfish in bed. I don't know if there is a way to fix that. 





cmwife said:


> Sort of. He wants me to use a vibrator first, but he won't use it. He just lays beside me, doesn't talk, doesn't touch me, doesn't kiss me. He will go down on me, but not long enough for me to orgasm. I've never timed it, but maybe 5-10 minutes then he's bored or just done.
> 
> Once he ejaculates he's totally done. He isn't in the mood at all and has never laid a finger on me once he's done. He doesn't want to and won't. So if he finishes first, which he always does, funs over and I can finish alone if I want to. In the beginning of our relationship he was much more willing to take care of me first, sometimes after. He also won't touch my boobs since having a baby, apparently breastfeeding ruined that for him and he went from being a "boob guy" to an "ass guy".


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

cmwife said:


> My husband and I have been together for 6 years, married for 4. We rushed into marriage a bit, because I was pregnant. We were happy and loved each other, it just sped things up. I was young and didn't put too much importance on a good sex life. I have never had an orgasm from anything but a vibrator. Not from a man or my own hands. So maybe this is all a waste of worry, and I just can't do it.
> 
> Since our daughter was born my husband's sex drive has taken a pretty big hit, as has the quality of our sex. Saying the sex sucks would be fair. We don't kiss, don't look at each other, always 1 of 3 positions. It's like I'm not even there. I am there, still and silent and my mind wanders to anything other than what we're doing or wondering when he will be done. The thing is... he says he enjoys our sex life. I read about many men complaining because their wife is a "dead fish", apparently mine likes that?! What? Half the problem is he doesn't last long at all. If I act into it, kiss him, touch him, he lasts for about 1 second. In the beginning of our relationship the sex was good, but I had to hold back on showing any sign that it was good if I wanted it to last. Now (and I don't know why) the sex physically doesn't feel good for me. There is just no pleasure anymore. He rarely goes down on me, if he does he doesn't have patience. Yesterday he said maybe we are sexually incompatible, but he doesn't even try to fix it!
> 
> ...



Well, OP, looks like a few of the others have given you some suggestions on thoughts to spruce up your sex life. But looks like in all the advice folks missed reading the last paragraph. How about reading that again because if you do not understand that if you think you have problems now, which all might be resolved with some therapy and/or counseling, you already have apparently thought about cheating, and I know you said you didn't want that, but that does not mean next time you won't since you have already built up a case why you might be entitled. And since your husband truly seems a little stubborn here, when you get caught if you go down that path, you will find out what problems are, especially if you are not in an occupation where you can support yourself.

Now all women get hit on, so how did you "almost" cheat or "almost" have the opportunity??? Because the first suggestion is to not put yourself in that situation again right now if you are serious about wanting to stay in this marriage.

I recommend you grab your husband by the neck ( not literally) and look him in the eye and tell him in no uncertain terms what he is doing wrong, and that YOU are going to a sex therapist and he needs to come too. Not optional. And tell him he may be satisfied but you are not and he better read a book called His Needs, Her Needs with you. And YOU better read a book called Not Just Friends, which will explain to you in detail what happens when you start to slide down the splippery slope.

Next, if the above does not work, ask him it is OK to open your marriage, even if you do not mean it. If that does not get his attention, then he is BRAIN DEAD .

And if that doesn't work, see an attorney, find out your rights and get a divorce and find someone who can get you off.

And lastly, while you are in the state of mind ( almost/could have cheated) I suggest you stay away from GNO or putting yourself in sexually charged environments with alcohol around until you resolve some of this. You are on the verge of justifying AN AFFAIR IN YOUR MIND. That's a decision that will cause you down the road more grief than you can imagine in most cases. Remember, no one who cheats ever thinks they will get caught , but most do.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

I was first married because I got pregnant. He was unable to meet my needs sexually and otherwise. I had multiple affairs and eventually left the marriage for my final affair partner.

The longer this goes on, the more at risk you are for an affair. Trust me. I've been there. You need to explicitly state that you are unsatisfied with the relationship, particularly the sex, that you've been tempted to cheat, and that you are either going to counseling together with a sex therapist or you'll have to reevaluate your marriage and consider open marriage or divorce. And you'll have to mean it.

After that, give it 6 months. If, by then, your sex life hasn't improved...well, run like you're being chased by zombies because it won't ever get any better.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

This has nothing to do with your dependence on a vibrator. We tend to go with what works and your husband doesn't work so how the hell would you ever learn to orgasm any other way? How many of us settle in to masturbate with the goal of learning to orgasm in some other way? LOL! We do what works.

It sounds to me like your husband is a sexual dud, and he knows it, and he doesn't want to confront his sexual inadequacies.

There are a few threads here is SIM that deal with husbands who are sexual duds. Men who lack sexual variance, lack concern for their partners pleasure, lack stamina, and lack sexual skills.

We all start out not knowing a blessed thing about how to have sex but trust in our biology to get the job done. Penis erect, inserted, ejaculation occurs. Eventually we learn there is a hell of a lot more to sex than what sexual education in school informed.

If your husband refuses sex therapy he is essentially declaring he has no intention of ever having sex with you other than the way he has always had sex with you. His ego won't allow him to acknowledge that he absolutely sucks in bed, and not the good kind of sucks in bed.

There is a slim chance he avoids emotional and physical intimacy by masturbating to porn frequently and as a result has a skewed idea of sex. Men who avoid intimacy and masturbate to porn frequently seem to think all women orgasm upon close inspection of an erection and those who don't are themselves sexual duds. I don't know if you've seen cunnilingus in porn but from what I've seen...in the few instances in which porn features male on female cunnilingus...they're doing it wrong.

Listen to @MrsHolland and @MJJEAN 

Read the exceptionally long 4 years and running thread http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/98817-ld-husband-journalc.html. [Condensed version, husband a sexual dud; 4 years later and MANY MANY talks he is still a sexual dud]

There is one successs story, read http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/79017-18-years-no-orgasms.html?highlight= 

Her last thread, 2 years later describes how she had to threaten divorce before her husband got his **** together. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...old-timer-18-years-no-orgasms.html?highlight=

You are in for a very long battle that is unlikely to resolve itself happily, and zero chance to resolve itself happily unless you can make and stick to an ultimatum.

Let me repeat: your vibrator dependency has nothing to do with your ****ty sex life.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Yeah, sadly Anon Pink is right.

Even if you do happen to learn to masturbate without a vibrator, it won't make your husband more attentive.

You could save money on batteries, though.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

So not only is he a one-pump-chump who refuses to try to get help for his issues, he's completely *selfish *in bed on top of it. He get his jollies and couldn't care less about you. 

I'm not sure why you've allowed this selfish ass-clown to completely dictate your entire sex life to the point where you're getting nothing out of it and if by chance you DO get into it, it's over before you blink. 

This type of complete selfishness and total disrespect and disregard for you is *unacceptable*. Sex isn't my first priority in life, but being respected IS. It wouldn't be a need for good sex that would make me leave him, it would be my need too be respected and valued.

This guy is just a complete zero.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

cmwife said:


> I have never had what I'd consider great sex and my mind sometimes wanders to cheating or being with other men. I almost, or maybe not really but could have, cheated a 3 days ago and I don't want that.


Sorry CM but from my view, based on what youre telling us, the prognosis is not good. Your are simply not your husband's priority. You likely have problem having a non-mechanical orgasm because deep down you know it. Ain't no man that has the hots for his wife that has to go to a sex therapist to tell him, "buddy, you're going to have to understand you need to take care of her". My take at this point is you're beyond frustrated with his lazy azz and the next time, or perhaps the time after that, it won't any, "I almost cheated". It'll be, "now that's what I'm talking about". And who's to blame you.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

cmwife said:


> When I use a vibrator I put it on my clitoris. I (or anyone else) have never been able to find my g-spot. I'm starting to think the thing is a myth. I've tried toys that are suppose to target that area and I don't feel anything special. My husband has tried time and time again with no luck. Using a toy for penetration doesn't hit my g-spot but does feel better than sex. For me (and I don't like saying it because it's embarrassing) anal sex feels better than vaginal sex. I don't know why. But my husband isn't into it AT ALL. He suggested using a toy during sex for double penetration but it physically would not work.


My ex wife could not have a clitoral orgasm without a vibrator, either, and she never did, including before me. No penetrative O's, either. No idea if that's changed since, but history would say probably not.

Unlike you, however, we did find her g-spot very very early on, so she had that. If it's any consolation, though, neither she nor my current wife seem to find gspot orgasms on par with clitoral ones. It's almost like they're something else entirely. Maybe some other women here can chime in with their experiences.

So for my ex wife, she'd usually have a gspot orgasm (manually, by me), we'd have intercourse and I'd finish, then she'd use her vibrator to have a clitoral O. I wouldn't get up and leave, or watch TV or play with my phone, however...

FYI, the gspot is pretty easy to find, but the trick (if there is one) is to be sufficiently turned on before you start looking for it. I'm sure you've already researched this, but it's roughly 2 inches inside of you, on the vaginal ceiling. When you're properly aroused, it will feel like a small bump. Perhaps putting more pressure on it will work for you. It's not like a clitoris, where you just lightly touch it. Also, concurrent clitoral stimulation will help.

In any case, the main issue here is that your husband simply doesn't seem to be engaged in sex with you. He gets right to it, pumps away, finishes, and moves on. Ugh.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

If your partner cares about your pleasure, there is almost always a way to make sex good. If they don't it will almost never be good.


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## introvert (May 30, 2016)

How do the two of you get along otherwise? 

Honestly, I never searched my exe's computer history or phone. It seems the two of you have a lot of issues, I think the sex part is just a part of the equation.

Seriously, ask him again to visit a sex therapist with you. If he refuses, perhaps the two of you truly are incompatible and should part.


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## Lord Summerisle (May 23, 2013)

So it's a little bit embarrassing to bring this up but I used to have a similar problem so maybe it will help. My poor wife was lucky if we made it 60 seconds. I can honestly say it was all anxiety and mental on my part. Being a little bit undersized in the manhood department(I know size doesn't matter but I have issues) gave me great anxiety about being able to please my wife. What we discovered is that if I will get her to orgasm first manually with fingers then wait a few moments, I can easily last 5-10 minutes (nothing amazing I know) for sex. Knowing she has already had some pleasure helps me to relax and then often she will have a second orgasm during sex. Maybe it's not that he doesn't care but cares too much and its getting in the way. 

I can't relate to him not wanting to please you after. I would always try and give my wife "a hand" afterwards but she usually would refuse after being disappointed by my 30 second performance. So for us it has to be to take care of her first.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Some people are sexually stunted and refuse for whatever reason to see it or try to become better .


Time for the walking boots.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Lord Summerisle said:


> So it's a little bit embarrassing to bring this up but I used to have a similar problem so maybe it will help. My poor wife was lucky if we made it 60 seconds. I can honestly say it was all anxiety and mental on my part. Being a little bit undersized in the manhood department(I know size doesn't matter but I have issues) gave me great anxiety about being able to please my wife. What we discovered is that if I will get her to orgasm first manually with fingers then wait a few moments, I can easily last 5-10 minutes (nothing amazing I know) for sex. Knowing she has already had some pleasure helps me to relax and then often she will have a second orgasm during sex. Maybe it's not that he doesn't care but cares too much and its getting in the way.
> 
> I can't relate to him not wanting to please you after. I would always try and give my wife "a hand" afterwards but she usually would refuse after being disappointed by my 30 second performance. So for us it has to be to take care of her first.


Don't knock yourself. 60 seconds isn't all that uncommon, for starters. And besides, most women (75% or so) don't orgasm from vaginal intercourse, anyway. Sure, most enjoy it, but if they've orgasmed already, then 60 seconds of intercourse is likely okay.

The majority of women want/need/prefer other forms of stimulation during sex. And more women than you can imagine don't want 10 minutes of intercourse, as it can get uncomfortable.

I've found that there's a pretty narrow window of what's too short and what's too long for intercourse, and it depends on the woman. My wife CAN orgasm from 60 seconds (or less) of intercourse, sometimes without any real foreplay, either. I know that's not common, but all the same. And as I said, 3 quarters of women can't orgasm from intercourse, anyway.

For those men who are in the smaller dept. and/or have PE, it's even more important to focus on other things - things that every man should be doing, anyway, regardless of their size or staying power.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

maybe try this

Interactive Sex Questionnaire for Couples | Mojo Upgrade

it is an online kinky sex quiz you both take inependently, then it reports areas your sex interests overlap. Maybe you two just need to try things other than straight penis-invagina sex?

Unless you mix things up, i am afrraid the same old sex isjust not going to get any better.


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