# long distance marriage falling apart



## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

Hi guys. I am newly married (as of November), but my husband and I only spent a week together after marriage, as we are from different countries. We are of the same ethnicity, but I'm an American and he is from Asia (the same country that my parents immigrated from 35 years ago). I'm 30 and he is 27. I wanted to stay with him longer after marriage, but I had to come back here as I'm a full-time student.

Although I consider my husband to be a really decent guy, we started having communication issues shortly before the wedding. Things have really gotten worse lately as we are having a crisis due to his mother's failing health. She became very ill the last week of December, and started having seizures as her brain is affected. The doctors are still trying to figure out what she has, but it seems that things are not looking good. The last few weeks have been a nightmare, as my husband was crying every day and having a complete meltdown. I've been doing my best to be supportive, trying to help him out in anyway I can from here (looking up medical info, etc). But nothing I do seems to be good enough for him, as he doesn't really appreciate my efforts. He goes on and on about how his mom is the most precious person in the world to him, and how he doesn't want to live anymore if something should happen to her. He has left his job to be her caretaker, though his brother and dad also live in their house with their mom. 

I have tried my best to lift his spirits during this difficult time. But he refuses to laugh or smile, saying "why should I laugh when my mom is sick?". He hardly eats anything and is neglecting self care to take care of her all day. He has completely neglected our marriage as well, and gets irritable to me for minor issues. If I try to gently tell him that he should value our marriage as well, he says that I am constantly 'complaining'. He's like "I'm here crying 2 hours a day and not eating anything as I'm so sad to see my mom sick.... and YOU'RE the one complaining?!" I don't know where this is coming from, so now I'm just holding in my resentment and fuming silently to myself every time he goes on about how his life is solely for his mom. I know he is hurting badly, but for him to go on and on about how his whole life purpose right now is to take care of his beloved mom, that just makes me furious that he doesn't think he has any responsibilities to me as my husband. I was supposed to file his visa paperwork so that he could be cleared to move here at the end of the year. But now he doesn't even want me to file it right now because he says that if his mom isn't better by September or October (when the paperwork clears) then he isn't going to move here as he isn't going to leave her there sick. So now we are probably going to be apart 1-1.5 year or longer, if our marriage can even last that long without destructing. (I'm not able to tell him how frustrated as I am, as he'd only consider me selfish for saying anything during this painful time when his mom is sick. So I'm not saying anything since he isn't willing to hear it, but I'm feeling very emotionally withdrawn.) 

I truly wish I wasn't married right now. We married too fast (as he was pressuring me several times a day) for logistical reasons, and I wish I waited to know him better before tying the knot. When we first met, he was the sweetest, most loving person I had ever met. But now I'm starting to see aspects I don't like about him... his chauvenism, etc. I know it sounds selfish for me to be saying these things when my husband is going through such a difficult time, but I don't think it's right for him to throw away our marriage whenever there is a difficult time (as he also ignored me during our wedding, as he was planning our wedding in his city which stressed him out, and wanted my parents to pay for everything). I'm resentful and tired right now and falling into a depression myself.


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

Its a hard time for him the best thing you can do is be there for him. Its understandable that you are feeling let down and not appreciated but you need to take into account that he is a son first then your husband. I think you should be there as a wife to him visit when you can and when it comes to the time that you file for his visa hopefully his mum will get better. Having a long distance marriage is unhealthy however you should focus on the face that you have the rest of your life together


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

It seems to me he only married you for getting the visa.


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

s.k said:


> Its a hard time for him the best thing you can do is be there for him. Its understandable that you are feeling let down and not appreciated but you need to take into account that he is a son first then your husband. I think you should be there as a wife to him visit when you can and when it comes to the time that you file for his visa hopefully his mum will get better. Having a long distance marriage is unhealthy however you should focus on the face that you have the rest of your life together


Thank you. I get that he sees himself as a son first and a husband second. I understand it, but it still hurts. I understand that he knows his family his whole life, and only knows me for the last 1.5 year... so it makes sense that he would care about them much more than me. But I feel like when he took me as his wife, there was some commitment in that promising to make me a primary entity in his life. I think my feelings should matter too.


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

accept said:


> It seems to me he only married you for getting the visa.


People like to say this, but if he only married me for a visa, then he would WANT to be here, no? Instead he wants to stay there with his mom rather than coming here. It's not a visa issue at all. He actually would have preferred us to live in his country, but my career training doesn't allow that... and I cannot stop my professional degree program to go there (being that I'm already $80k in debt and only half-way done).


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

rks1 said:


> Thank you. I get that he sees himself as a son first and a husband second. I understand it, but it still hurts. I understand that he knows his family his whole life, and only knows me for the last 1.5 year... so it makes sense that he would care about them much more than me. But I feel like when he took me as his wife, there was some commitment in that promising to make me a primary entity in his life. I think my feelings should matter too.


Your right you should matter but at this moment all that matter is his mum, he probably has it in his mind that he hasnt got long with her hope that isnt the case but im guessing that he just wants to spend every minute with her. I think you should just tell him how you feel and let him know that you are there if he needs you thats all you can do at the moment what do your family think about the situation


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## Spock (Jan 26, 2012)

Where in Asia is he from? India/ Pakistan by any chance?


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

Yes.... India.


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## Spock (Jan 26, 2012)

Okay, had a hunch. Indian men are WAY more attached to their mothers than western men. It's a culture thing. Even though you are the same ethnicity as him, please realize that you are actually in a sort of a cross cultural marriage here and it takes twice the effort to make those work!

Remind him that you need him more than his mother does. And he needs to learn to balance his priorities better. Also, if he is in such a bad shape emotionally, he needs to see a therapist to restore his grip on reality. This is not about you. This is about him. He needs to get a grip and figure out how to play a role in restoring his mother's health AND making your marriage work. 

How long has his mother been ill?


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

His mother's been ill for awhile, but acutely ill for the last 1 month. It's hard to believe it's only been one month, as it feels like it's been dragging on the last 6 months or so. It's definitely been an exhausting month for both of us. I don't mean to sound unsympathetic towards him at all. I know it's very traumatic for him. His mom really does need him, as she is so weak. It's hard being only 27 years old and having to see your mom having seizures, and having to help her go to the bathroom as she is not strong enough to get up herself. He's surely going through a lot.

I simply want him to not tune me out emotionally. He does talk about his feelings of sadness, but he doesn't want to hear mine... especially if I've had a hard day etc. I don't want to burden him either. I've really been hurting a lot in the last one month and falling into a depression myself, but I haven't told him all this because he doesn't seem interested in my life right now. He knows that I've had some sleep issues the last several weeks, but he hasn't asked about it at all.

It's hard because he doesn't stand up for me, nor does he set boundaries with his family. For instance, he helps out all day with his mom when his brother is out working. When his brother gets back home, I think it's perfectly fine for him to give me a call and not feel guilty about it. Instead his brother and dad yell at him for talking to me. I'm like "NO. You've spent the last 12 hours in the day watching over mom while everyone else was doing their thing. Tell your brother and dad to please give you 20 minutes break for you to talk to your wife, and let them manage on their own for that short time." It angers me that he can spend 18+ hours a day with his mom but not 20 minutes dedicated time to his wife. Furthermore, I'd like those 20 minutes daily to be about us... not spending those 20 minutes only talking about treatment options for her. I'm perfectly happy to discuss medical stuff with him (as I'm a med student myself), but I shouldn't have to feel guilty for asking my husband to protect our marriage as well. I'm so frustrated right now.


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