# How can I get my wife to give us another chance?



## Rtrick87 (Mar 28, 2021)

First time posting here. 
I’ll make this short as I can but will probably be long
I’m 32 and have been in multiple long term relationships 
my wife is 31 and I was her first real relationship. 
We have been together 14 years and married for 9. We have 2 daughters that are 8 and 10. On May 30th 2019, our 2 year old who was born with a birth defect which caused lung issues passed unexpectedly. 
we started dating in 2007 and had no issues until our third daughter was born in 2016. My wife took care of her 24/7 changing IV, oxygen, feeding tube while holding down the fort at home. In 2017, I started working midnight shift and lots of overtime at my local PD. We also moved out of my in laws in law apartment where we didn’t have to pay for much. I worked midnight shift while running my own auto detail business part time. Our communication started to fade and we started arguing more often because I was emotionally and mentally exhausted because I was only getting 5 hours of broken up sleep a day (slept during the day while my oldest was in school and their friends were also in school). I quit the PD in Sep 2018 because it was clear it affected my marriage. Our marriage dramatically improved and we were communicating and everything was better then ever. 
In May 2019, my 2 yo daughter passed unexpectedly and caused a huge landslide in our marriage. We were both dealing with tremendous amounts of grief. 
We decided to separate in January 2020. We were still doing occasional date nights and taking the kids together weekly to do stuff. I was going over 3–5 days a week to help out. We never seeked grief counseling for ourselves. We started to treat each other like crap because we were grieving differently. It got really bad, never physical. Never laid my hands on a girl in my life.
in December 2020, while I wanted to work things out, she was not interested. We had a pretty bad argument. Bad things were sent by both of us. She got a restraining order because she was just done and also included that I was emotionally abusing her and my kids. In January 2021, I filed for divorce. 
We didn’t talk at all for a month and a half and that’s when I saw how I was inadvertently treating her and my kids and I was shocked. I immediately reached out to a counselor to work on myself. I felt great but felt like crap because I couldn’t show her. When she found out I filed, she lifted the order so I could see the kids but kept it on me. we did start talking again, even with the RO against me. I want her to see the person I was for the last year was not me and the person she had been is not her. We were grieving and we need professional help for grief and marriage counseling. 
she said she will do it to give me “closure” but i want her to give me a real opportunity to try and work on things and do stuff to make sure a divorce is the right decision. She tells me she’s just done and doesn’t want to do it because she feels like we always make progress and end up back where we started. She doesn’t know how to communicate. If she has a problem with me, she tells her friends and not me so then I’m left in the dark not able to improve things because she doesn’t tell me. I know something is wrong and when I ask she brushes it off. 

what can I do to give us one last chance?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Rtrick87 said:


> She tells me she’s just done


So, believe her. 

At some point, you had your last chance. She had moved on, you should too. For all you know she's moved on with another man.


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## Rtrick87 (Mar 28, 2021)

bobert said:


> So, believe her.
> 
> At some point, you had your last chance. She had moved on, you should too. For all you know she's moved on with another man.


So it’s ok to end something based on someone’s reaction to the loss of their 2 year old?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Rtrick87 said:


> So it’s ok to end something based on someone’s reaction to the loss of their 2 year old?


You can't force someone to get help, grief counseling or marriage counseling included.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Just for clarity, you make it a point up front that you have more experience with long term relationships than she has. You're 32 and have been together for 14 years. My math says you've been together since you were... 18? How is it possible you could have had multiple long-term relationships?

I ask this because I'm not sure it's a good thing you're seeming to compare your experiences in such things as perhaps better or more extensive than your wife's. You may be coloring the events of your life in a sort of parent/child way that has been not only destructive but without foundation. If you've been that way for 14 years, yeah, she could be pretty much done.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

The loss of a child often leads to divorce. Without guidance, it’s easy for the pain of the lost to be translated into despising of your spouse. The pain is to great and an outlet is needed. 

maybe going to grievance counseling will bring her around. You should continue to be the best version of yourself.

My concern for you is that she may have found a new man to comfort her.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

That’s a sad story friend and I’m very sorry for your losses. I’m sure she knows your intensions and your desire to try to put things back together. You also filed for divorce and went a stretch without talking at which point you seemed to have taken a look at how you were treating them. Try seeing that from her perspective and ask yourself why she would want to try given that evidence?

I haven’t experienced tragedy on the order you are expressing, but I know when trouble comes in life, you need to circle the wagons and do what it takes together. It seems like that didn’t happen. I don’t know if she’s found someone else, I’m not sure that matters as it looks like there were insurmountable problems at every intersection. I can see why she is saying she’s done.

You probably can’t do anything at this point. Heartfelt honesty is good no matter the outcome and whether she accepts that or not, you may at least feel better that your last interaction with her was an honest one.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I'm so very sorry for your heartbreaking loss OP, my heart goes out to both you and your wife. 

Sadly, most marriages don't survive the death of a child. That's the heartbreaking reality.

When a woman says she's done, she's done. I'm really not sure that there's anything you can do.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Wow, that was painful to read. I can't imagine experiencing it.

It's really up to your wife at this point. You can't make her do something she doesn't want to do. 

It's also possible that she associates that horrible pain and grief with you. It's not fair, but it does happen. It's possible that being with you reminds her too much of the worst time of her life, even though that's not your fault. 

I'm so sorry for what happened to your family.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Rtrick87 said:


> So it’s ok to end something based on someone’s reaction to the loss of their 2 year old?


It´s not a matter of being okay. The only chance of winning her back is to let her go and then keep doing that work on yourself. In the end it´s up to her and while you can hope she will change her mind you should start preparing for the fact that your marriage is over. 

I’m sorry. It’s a lot of loss for a person to handle. You should definitely continue to go to counseling to deal with the grief of losing your child and to deal with your probable divorce.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I am sorry for you loss Op, it must be really hard. I would suggest that you cannot make your wife want what you want. It sounds like you had many chances and are only waking up now. It is good you are getting therapy, continue to work on yourself and be the best man you can be and the best Dad you can be. 
However, stop forcing her to want what you want, that is going down the road that got you were you are now. 
Back off, be a good, kind and loving father to the kids and support her as a mother. You sound like the kind of man who wants things to go your way and will not just back off. People are different, she doesn't have to grieve like, you, nor communicate like you, etc. recognize that. She got a restraining order against you for you to back off, then you went and filed for divorce, why? This shows that you reacted cause you were not getting your way and there is no way she will ever trust you now, you blew up the bridge, so now you have to accept it and work on yourself.
Leave things for some time, set a deadline for yourself when to move on in your personal life.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Rtrick87 said:


> First time posting here.
> I’ll make this short as I can but will probably be long
> I’m 32 and have been in multiple long term relationships
> my wife is 31 and I was her first real relationship.
> ...


First thing first to keep you anonymity you should change your picture. Reverse image lookup is a thing.

I think your best chance is show her you are doing the work, and I hope you are doing the work. You should assume you are starting from scratch and court her again.

Here is the thing, the way you write it, you were both at fault but she got a restraining order, also she doesn't communicate. Maybe she isn't that great.

You can't build a relationship on nostalgia.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Women rarely if ever fall in love with a man they’ve fallen out of love with. You should move on. It hurts, but it’s what you should do. After your wife has filed an RO in you and accused you of abusing her and your kids..... you should never ever be with such a person again. She’s dangerous.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

Relationships are really put to the test when poop hits the fan. There is absolutely nothing more stressful and more of test of your coping skills as a human being than the loss of a child. Nothing. It's beyond brutal and horrifying. I've heard some semblance of your story more than a few times from the men I coach/counsel. I always tell them the same thing. Sometimes being a loving partner means letting the other person go. If it was meant to be, you'll find your way back to each other. Be the best parents you can be to your two beautiful kids and be a model for how a man can endure the worst of the worst, and still play the part of their hero.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Honestly I think she is just broken from the grief and too overwhelmed to try to work on something else. I think maybe her impulse is to simplify her life and just have to deal less with as much as possible. 

Depression is like that. You just don't want to deal with things or people. Some things are too big to let someone else help you with even. And also you being the father may just be a constant reminder to her of this little girl. There's been plenty of divorces after a couple loses a child. 

But if you can get her to agree to counseling at all, do it. It might help her to have that outlet. Good luck.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

If I read correctly, she's willing to go through grief counseling to give you closure. If so, do it. You can't fix anything until you deal with the grief.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Rtrick87 said:


> First time posting here.
> I’ll make this short as I can but will probably be long
> I’m 32 and have been in multiple long term relationships
> my wife is 31 and I was her first real relationship.
> ...


She is at least willing to go to counseling with you and that is good regardless.

Make sure you are being the man you should be in regards to being a father and husband even though estranged.

I would just lay it on the line with no expectations from her, that you are there for her, love her and will help and support her and that you want her.

Be comfortable and confident regardless of how she feels, be who you want to be.

She may come back your way and she might not but there is no shame in your game man.

Showing love is never a losing move.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

The OP hasn't been here in over a year = ZOMBIE THREAD


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

"What's this?" said Zombie Kitten. "A zombie thread reanimated by a spammer?"

"This calls for very special action!" added Zombie Kitten. "Meet my good friend Alan."


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