# She uses sex as "I'm sorry" and to make herself feel good.



## Jpeace (May 5, 2011)

Men always think about sex, right?

Well, I must not be a man. I could have sex all day every day, but I have realized that if my power gets shut off because my GF spent our power bill at the bar to kind of shut down my response to sexual advances.

My GF derives SO much of her confidence from my sexual attraction moment to moment to her. Almost any chat I have with her at work will end up along the lines of randomly inserting something about a blowjob or whatever to get a rise out of me. To me, you could literally be saying I am going for a walk, in fact you would get a better response from me in those instances.

She throws it at me and puts so much emphasis on it that I literally do not even care anymore. I rather jack off than get a blowjob because now I feel guilty because she thinks it is the only way she could make me happy. Under this much stress I certainly don't want daily sex, in fact about once per three days if left alone is when I will initiate. If we are in the same room, to go three hours without advances would be a miracle.

Now if she came onto me like hey big stud let me show you a good time or whatever bull ****, but it's going to be half assed attempts with an expected result (which makes me feel bad, because I am the type of guy you can always tell if I am faking a mood, or annoyed or whatever. I just have one of those telling faces, so the inevitable rejection I am going to give her makes me feel like ****). Not only does it not arouse me, at that point it annoys me. I would do all the work once every three days, but she insists on more. I tell her I don't want anything but she insists on giving me something, so she will start then half way through just kind of.....stop trying to get me frustrated enough to just want to finish any way I can, which of course would be sex at that point.

I do not try and control our sex life, but under this much stress induced by her (BTW her mom is a stripper and she lives in Las Vegas, so that may give you perspective) I just don't want to get your random chats about sex from your MONITORED work computer. I am not the manliest man, I am a nerd, but dear god am I the only one who LOVES sex but knows when it's NOT the solution?

And trust me, I really love sex. I really do.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

You are like my husband you need the emotional connection and you prefer more subtleness when it comes to sex. That in your face, solution to everything, it's your only purpose sex isn't fulfilling and in fact it's a turn off.

Also you need her to do the right thing like paying bills on time. I get it.

The sad part is society teaches women that sex IS the answer to everything with men but it's simply not true.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Build up her confidence in a non sexual way then.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Some people believe they need to have sex or be sexual all the time in order to keep someone. Thats not self confidence, its lack there of. She needs to learn sex is wonderful and important but its not what keeps love or a person.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

It sounds to me that she thinks her only value is between her legs. I don't think she knows how to make you happy in any other way because she thinks that sex is the only way to a man's heart. Instead of getting the hint that you are turned off by her advances, she probably thinks she isn't doing something right so she tries harder but still in the same way.

You have to find a way to explain to her that you love her for more than the sex.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Daddy issues? A giant hole of sadness in the middle of her soul? Abandonment issues? Victim of sexual abuse? I'd give each of those equal probability. 

"You" can't fix that. She needs some professional help.


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## Jpeace (May 5, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> You are like my husband you need the emotional connection and you prefer more subtleness when it comes to sex. That in your face, solution to everything, it's your only purpose sex isn't fulfilling and in fact it's a turn off.
> 
> Also you need her to do the right thing like paying bills on time. I get it.
> 
> The sad part is society teaches women that sex IS the answer to everything with men but it's simply not true.


Thank you, you must of read my mind.

I do try to build her confidence all the time. She has gained a lot of weight and mentions dieting all the time, I just tell her how great I think she looks now etc.

I really think she thinks its the only way she knows how to make me happy, when quite frankly like magnolia said it becomes annoying when I can't perform (well, don't want to because it is annoying. Sure, I technically could function)

Yes, I think it might be related to sexual abuse and SUPER low self esteem. That self esteem comes surrounding herself with these las vegas ideals of what makes me want you. My last GF is off to an ivy league, the one before that went to penn state and I met her at burkley (This sounds REALLY ...arrogant? or something, I am just pointing out the TYPE of MINDS i get attracted to is all, I am not a college graduate myself at all) but I focus on whats inside and how people treat eachother. If you love me, dont go out or spend less when you do. 

She likes to walk around with her breasts just out all the time. Saying her shirt annoys her nipples, whatever. I literally dont know how to respond and make jokes like im going to walk around balls out all the time. Because really, seeing YOUR tits THAT often makes me not even care about them. Its simple supply and demand economics and It makes me feel bad because I don't and won't ever respond in the way she wants. I would get more turned on by red wine and and a conversation about the correlation between obamas 9% spike and timely placed donald trump jokes/show interruption announcement. (just an example, not talking politics! >.<)


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## Calendula (May 7, 2011)

Based on this and your other post, what IS it that you like about this woman that you are in a relationship with? 
It seems that most of what you say is negative, I can't find anything positive.

I'm not judging, just wondering. Might be something to think about.


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## Jpeace (May 5, 2011)

Calendula said:


> Based on this and your other post, what IS it that you like about this woman that you are in a relationship with?
> It seems that most of what you say is negative, I can't find anything positive.
> 
> I'm not judging, just wondering. Might be something to think about.


She is better than this, plus the level of investment I have put into it. Either way for now I am stuck living with her, so why not try to make it work?

She has a "good heart", just naive and can't stand any form of criticism. Only person that has been in my life longer than her is family. Oh well.

I'm so tired of this, I am also going through a whole lot right now from my little brother having to go the the psychiatrist to all these other things and I am strung thin.

Thank you so much for your time and input on this. 

I was really hoping someone was going to say "Stop being so mad, your being an ******* and causing this" or something. Something that I personally could do. I was in a very dark place when I began writing all this and am still there. However, I do want to take the time to thank everyone for setting me straight.

I'm not sure why "nader" said we deserve eachother, perhaps he was just saying I am as much to blame for enabling and sticking around. I just did not want to throw away 10 years is all. I know I have issues and was hoping to get some insight on them. Co-dependency is one people seem to be pointing out alot. 

From a very ugly divorce family (ex-meth addict), at the same time a brother dieing to cancer, at 18 astranged parents. Yadda yadda sob story.

My main goal is to fix myself so I can sit back and say I did EVERYTHING in my power, otherwise there will always be a what if in my head.


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## Jpeace (May 5, 2011)

and I know EVERYONE has a sob story, I am not using that as an excuse. Just an acknowledgement that I need help, because I feel as though I am out of tools to fix them myself.


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## Jpeace (May 5, 2011)

Thank you so much again calendula and everyone. I know it is asking a lot for strangers to help like this and it makes me feel guilty. So thank you again.

I posted on my other thread. She IS a good person. 

I just can't give up that easily on someone who is so damn into me. I am not 100% sure I would ever find someone that dedicated to me, but then again I feel like she would be this dedicated to anyone she dated just because she hates being single.

Sigh.

Asking me to say something nice about her at this point is making me realize a lot more than I care to. It is REALLY hard for me to think of the things other than how long we have known each other and such.

Maybe I am as they said on the other thread "Captain save-a-hoe". I am a bit of a philosopher and just can't stand anyone I care even a little about be unhappy. Maybe that is the only reason I am still here, thinking that I can help her.

Oh god.

What have I done.

I can say that is NOT the reason I moved in with her though. I honestly thought she had her **** together, but it may be the only reason I am still here.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

There is a difference between a woman initiating sex because she wants sex and one initiating sex to simply manipulate her guy. Honestly, I'd take either at this point, but we're talking about you. If you're trying to have an adult discussion about her financial irresponsibility and she counters with "blowjob", she's either trying to manipulate you with sex or she becomes sexually aroused by your display of dominance.


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## Jpeace (May 5, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> There is a difference between a woman initiating sex because she wants sex and one initiating sex to simply manipulate her guy. Honestly, I'd take either at this point, but we're talking about you. If you're trying to have an adult discussion about her financial irresponsibility and she counters with "blowjob", she's either trying to manipulate you with sex or she becomes sexually aroused by your display of dominance.


I never thought about that. She does enjoy "dominance" but I do not enjoy being dominating in my personal life, I don't enjoy being in "control" because I have an "intense" personality.

I hope you find a woman willing to give it to you, whatever the reason ;p


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