# What to do when your gut tells you possible cheating?



## thecw (Aug 24, 2011)

I've had a gut feeling for a quite a while that my wife of 7 years may not be completely truthful with me. I don't have any hard evidence of her cheating, but in my opinion she is capable of it no matter how innocent and morally sound she portrays herself to be. What disturbs me is that she can rationalize any situation to make her actions secondary to something I did and therefore she's not at fault, as an example the old "I did it because you drove me to do it, you just showed no interest in me anymore." She didn't say that but that is how she thinks at times.

So, though I have no evidence, something doesn't sit right with me. Here's the situation:
a) she has a password on her smartphone supposedly because she doesn't want to take any chances at work, it didn't always use to be password protected
b) she has a password on her laptop even though it never leaves the home
c) she can get texts throughout the entire day and even late at night. She has a very rude and needy female cousin she is close with who can text nonstop but I cant always be certain its her cousin
d) she doesn't leave the house at odd times or anything, but it would be easy for her to call in sick or leave work early because my job keeps me tied up unable to leave during the day to check up on her and she knows this
e) she is super clever and would take every measure possible to cover her tracks if she were doing something inappropriate, it is her personality, I know her well
f) she seems less invested in the marriage than I because she's always the one to threaten divorce when it hits a rough patch
g) she goes through cycles of being emotionally detached, even telling me she's not sure if she loves me anymore
h) if I ask her if something is going on I will never get the truth from her, I am certain of this


Do I have reason to feel like something isn't right? I don't want to live in doubt but I also don't want to be made a fool.


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

The pass code on the phone is a huge red flag - like flashing neon red sign!! Same for the laptop, if it always stays at home who or what is she protecting it from? The text, maybe or maybe not. Have you gotten the ILYBINILWY speach? (I Love You But I'm Not In Love With You) If so that's another huge red flag. 

Regardless of if she's involved in an inappropriate relationship or not it sounds like there are issues in your marriage - see your items F & G - those just aren't good. 

Several things you can do here. You can simply catch her by surprise one day and ask to see her phone, if she won't let you then you're a long way to an answer. You can even disguise this one by accidentally leaving your phone somewhere and saying you need her's for a minute - you get the idea. Or, you can investigate more, put a voice activated recorder or gps tracker in her car. I would say to put spyware on her phone and a key logger on her laptop but it sounds like those are too locked up for you to get to. 

You say you know if you confront her you'll never get the truth and that she is also very clever and will cover her tracks. Ok, so you have to either have overwhelming evidence to confront her with or, if you take the let me see your phone route, be prepared to take it to the mat. If you ask to see her phone and she won't let you you're going to have to be prepared to say let me see it right now or go pack. Once you start the confrontation, given how you describe her, you have to go all the way with it. Otherwise she'll take it deeper underground and you'll likely never find it until she leaves you a Dear John letter. 

The number one rule of thumb here is to always listen to your gut.


----------



## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

thecw said:


> f) she seems less invested in the marriage than I because she's always the one to threaten divorce when it hits a rough patch
> g) she goes through cycles of being emotionally detached, even telling me she's not sure if she loves me anymore



Why are you afraid of divorce? Kids? Your age? Financial?


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

The gut rarely lies IF you're not usually a suspicious/paranoid person.

If you are, then I suggest mellowing for a while.


----------



## thecw (Aug 24, 2011)

If I ever questioned her integrity or honesty she would flip the argument on me in a heartbeat and act offended, throw a fit, and rush out of the house for the night. When we have disagreements, 9 times out of 10 she is the one to leave the house for the entire night without a trace of where is she is at or any communication. The next day she'll say she got a hotel room. But it's almost as if she has somewhere to go which is disturbing. This may all add up to nothing but I am just saying what has happened.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

thecw said:


> If I ever questioned her integrity or honesty she would flip the argument on me in a heartbeat and act offended, throw a fit, and rush out of the house for the night. When we have disagreements, 9 times out of 10 she is the one to leave the house for the entire night without a trace of where is she is at or any communication. The next day she'll say she got a hotel room. But it's almost as if she has somewhere to go which is disturbing. This may all add up to nothing but I am just saying what has happened.


HUGE red flag. She does this to run off and be with her OM.


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

thecw said:


> b) she has a password on her laptop even though it never leaves the home
> e) she is super clever and would take every measure possible to cover her tracks if she were doing something inappropriate, it is her personality, I know her well
> f) she seems less invested in the marriage than I because she's always the one to threaten divorce when it hits a rough patch
> g) she goes through cycles of being emotionally detached, even telling me she's not sure if she loves me anymore
> h) if I ask her if something is going on I will never get the truth from her, I am certain of this





thecw said:


> When we have disagreements, 9 times out of 10 she is the one to leave the house for the night without a trace of where is she is at or any communication. It's almost as if she has somewhere to go which is disturbing. This may all add up to nothing but I am just saying what has happened.


Are the above new behaviors or has it been like this the whole seven years?


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

thecw said:


> If I ever questioned her integrity or honesty she would flip the argument on me in a heartbeat and act offended, throw a fit, and rush out of the house for the night. When we have disagreements, 9 times out of 10 she is the one to leave the house for the entire night without a trace of where is she is at or any communication. The next day she'll say she got a hotel room. But it's almost as if she has somewhere to go which is disturbing. This may all add up to nothing but I am just saying what has happened.


yeah, it's a very good chance she's cheating

there are ways to crack the passcodes, what OS is the laptop and what type of phone?


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

that_girl said:


> HUGE red flag. She does this to run off and be with her OM.



yes, cheaters often either pick fights or use fights to storm out to go be with OM/OW


----------



## thecw (Aug 24, 2011)

that_girl said:


> HUGE red flag. She does this to run off and be with her OM.


I've considered that a possibility no doubt. The arguments do tend to be sporadic and don't seem planned on her part, but still who knows. It's a great opportunity for someone that is cheating to leave the house for the entire night, with no line of communication, and no known time of return, and whatever happens that night justified by her demonizing of me. A possibility.


----------



## thecw (Aug 24, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> Are the above new behaviors or has it been like this the whole seven years?


Most weren't there at the beginning of the marriage, maybe the first 3 years. But as obstacles and disagreements take a toll on a marriage, some started cropping up. She has always kind of been one to run away from a discussion and just "drive around aimlessly" for a few hours or sleep in the car, it could just as easily be sleep in another man's bed for all I know.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I also see from another thread that she has been more sexually adventurous at home, yet another red flag

you need to get moving and investigating


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

thecw said:


> I've had a gut feeling for a quite a while that my wife of 7 years may not be completely truthful with me.


I had to check your other thread in the Mens Clubhouse, and it seems you left some things out in this post here. In your other thread, you stated that *your common law wife, and yourself, separated for four months because she said she needed to "find herself"*. That by the way is the most common excuse for cheating. Then your WW comes back to you after four months because she decided she loves you after all, BUT she claims she was with no one else during those four months, but all of a sudden she wants to try all these new moves in bed, where before, she was really conservative.

BTW, did you get tested for STDs?



thecw said:


> a) she has a password on her smartphone supposedly because she doesn't want to take any chances at work, it didn't always use to be password protected


Obvious red flag.



thecw said:


> b) she has a password on her laptop even though it never leaves the home


Red flag.



thecw said:


> c) she can get texts throughout the entire day and even late at night. She has a very rude and needy female cousin she is close with who can text nonstop but I cant always be certain its her cousin


Red flag. 



thecw said:


> e) she is super clever and would take every measure possible to cover her tracks if she were doing something inappropriate, it is her personality, I know her well


Okay, then install a quality keylogger on her laptop, then install the spyware for her smartphone.

Mobile Spy - Monitor SMS Text Messages, Call Info and GPS Locations on iPhone, BlackBerry, Android, Windows Mobile and Symbian OS Smartphones. Spy Software for Monitoring your Cell Phone

MobiStealth | Spy Mobile Phone Software, Cell Phone Spy Monitoring, GPS Location Tracking App For $39.99 | iPhone, Blackberry, Android, Symbian/Nokia Spyware

Also get a couple of Voice Activated Recorders, stick one under her car seat with industrial strength velcro. Here's some examples:

http://www.bestbuy.com/site/Philips+-+Voice+Tracer+Digital+Voice+Recorder/2596305.p?id=1218338417967&skuId=2596305

Walmart.com: Sony ICD-BX8112 Digital Flash Voice Recorder: iPods & MP3 Players



thecw said:


> f) she seems less invested in the marriage than I because she's always the one to threaten divorce when it hits a rough patch


Just wondering, she is your common-law wife, so how does she get to threaten you, her common law husband, with divorce?



thecw said:


> g) she goes through cycles of being emotionally detached, even telling me she's not sure if she loves me anymore


All signs of being in an affair. Why are you afraid to end it with this woman? She just came back from a 4 month spree where she undoubtedly was banging an OM. She only came back to you because it probably fell through with the OM. You are only the back up plan. She wants the security of marriage while she plays around with other men. One day, she WILL leave you for an OM and you will be left wondering why you didn't take action before.


----------



## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

I don't have time at the moment to read your whole post. I will, however, answer the question in your title.

LISTEN! Your gut is almost always, if not always, correct in these matters. It took lots of spy games for me to come that realization. Just save yourself the trouble and listen to your gut from the start.


----------



## thecw (Aug 24, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> I had to check your other thread in the Mens Clubhouse, and it seems you left some things out in this post here. In your other thread, you stated that your common law wife, and yourself, separated


I was being vague and paranoid in other thread in case she reads these forums, one can never know. We are married.


----------



## thecw (Aug 24, 2011)

Have a knot in my stomach right now guys. You all have been here much longer than me and have seen a lot. I feel like I have maybe been putting my head in the sand on this and your objective opinions all seem to lean in the same direction.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

You need to man up. She can leave the house for four damn months and can come home with no repercussions from you. She threatens divorce all the time. You say she can leave the house for hours and even sleep in her car when she gets pissed at you. What does that say? It says she has absolutely no respect for you and she thinks of you as a doormat. 

Have you heard of hypergamy? Its a biological instinct, where supposedly men were polygamous by nature (the need to spread one's genes around), while women were hypergamous in nature (always trading up, attracted to the stronger male because of better genes). You are not very attractive to her right now, so she seeks out other men. For sure she's in an affair with one now by the signs that she's displaying. So what are you going to do about it?


----------



## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Fear is a natural response. Eventually you'll have to come to terms with it and move forward. Dont wait too long. You are putting your life on hold right now.


----------



## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

If the roles were reversed do you honestly think she would put up with such crap from you? She claims that she goes to a hotel at nights after a fight. Have you ever seen a receipt? She is playing you for a fool. Get tested for STD's and consult an attorney to understand your options. Why in the hell are you putting up with such behavior? No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. She has absolutely no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


----------



## lovestruckout (Jul 6, 2011)

RWB said:


> Yep, the gut rarely lies.
> 
> Go online and check her cellphone logs. Zero in on call and text when she is alone in her car. Don't be fooled any longer. All I had to do was check the phone logs to see the truth. Do not let her know what's up until you have certain proof. Good luck.


Hahaha, yeah me too. 1500 texts to one number in a month. Oops, where was I on that one?

In my situation, the only thing that never failed me was my gut. Basically it was about 95% accurate about all my wife's demons. Scary, but true.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

thecw said:


> If I ever questioned her integrity or honesty she would flip the argument on me in a heartbeat and act offended, throw a fit, and rush out of the house for the night. When we have disagreements, 9 times out of 10 she is the one to leave the house for the entire night without a trace of where is she is at or any communication. The next day she'll say she got a hotel room. But it's almost as if she has somewhere to go which is disturbing. This may all add up to nothing but I am just saying what has happened.


Now this is a RED FLAG.

You also should be able to talk to her without there being a confrontation. No way I would put up my spouse leaving for the night and not know where they went. This alone I see as being unfaithful. So she could just start an argument with you and have the night off from the marriage if she wanted.


----------



## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

thecw said:


> If I ever questioned her integrity or honesty she would flip the argument on me in a heartbeat and act offended, throw a fit, and rush out of the house for the night. When we have disagreements, 9 times out of 10 she is the one to leave the house for the entire night without a trace of where is she is at or any communication. The next day she'll say she got a hotel room. But it's almost as if she has somewhere to go which is disturbing. This may all add up to nothing but I am just saying what has happened.


WHOA! This is a huge red flag! Trust your gut!

Ask what hotel, then go to said hotel and look at the guest book.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

This infidelity stuff is hard to face, it took me sometime to come to term with it, get out of denial and when I did I followed up with some evidence gathering.

Doing this did a couple of things for me;#1 it showed me how bad my WW behavior really was and the proof showed me it was in fact real. #2 it also gave be something to show my WW that she could no longer deny.

So in a sence the hard proof brought us both out of denial. As hard as it was and as sick as I got I knew this was the right thing to do. See when I confronted WW it brought the shame and guilt to light and it was something we both had to face. 

The black and white copies of text and the pictures were so dambing that it forced my WW to admit to her unhealthy behavior and when that was done we took the next step to NC and then recommitment.

Without the proof it was just sweept away with denial and nothing was ever realy done about her actions, but when she saw the bad behavior and the reality that yes she did infact say and do these things she wasn't proud of... it was figuritively a slap in the face that forced the reality of what she had infact choose to block out.

Colliding her real life with her fantasy life was infact a wake up to her unbelievable behavior, actualy seeing it with her own eyes, in the light of day.

Granted some WW while riding the OM can be pulled off naked by the H and still deny. but in my case I didn't see this happening. She admitted right of way and we then were able to take it from there.

The big thing here is comming to terms and getting an admission from the WW, with out it, it will just continue.

Hell in my case her cheating even stop and then start and then stop and then start up. My WW infidelity went on for years with alot of different men.

I remember the 1st affair my WW had 13 years ago, I told her "I knew what was going on and it better stop" I had no proof and thats all that was said and it was never talked about again. She niether denied or confirmed, she said nothing, we just went on about our lifes.

Well 13 years later and 20 OM here I am!

Point is confront this with hard evidence and bring this crap out in the open. Be patient and her cheating will all fall apart and proof will end up in your lap, then you can have an effective confrontation.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> Now this is a RED FLAG.
> 
> You also should be able to talk to her without there being a confrontation. No way I would put up my spouse leaving for the night and not know where they went. This alone I see as being unfaithful. So she could just start an argument with you and have the night off from the marriage if she wanted.


She does this because she has somewhere to go, doesn't respect him, and he allows it by letting her come home each time. 

If my fWW had ever acted like that, I'd tell her to not bother coming back *AND HER SH!T WOULD BE LAYING ALL OVER THE LAWN*.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> She does this because she has somewhere to go, doesn't respect him, and he allows it by letting her come home each time.
> 
> If my fWW had ever acted like that, I'd tell her to not bother coming back *AND HER SH!T WOULD BE LAYING ALL OVER THE LAWN*.


I hear that!


----------



## lovestruckout (Jul 6, 2011)

the guy said:


> This infidelity stuff is hard to face, it took me sometime to come to term with it, get out of denial and when I did I followed up with some evidence gathering.
> 
> Doing this did a couple of things for me;#1 it showed me how bad my WW behavior really was and the proof showed me it was in fact real. #2 it also gave be something to show my WW that she could no longer deny.
> 
> ...


This is unbelievable TG...substitute the time stamps for when the affairs took place and we are spot on in our situations. And unless I blew this up my WW would have been doing this...forever? I said to her today when she again told me an affair is and affiar - I said, [NAME], you didn't have affairs, you had a lifestyle.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

In some cases the "life style" is / or gets so unhealthy that action has to take place. 

Blowing it it up is a great way to put it, I have also heard about "turning the trash cans over".

Its an action that a betrayed spouse needs to take right off the bat, or else be prepared for a long life of missery and unhealthy behaviors.

lovestruckout, I think you would agree that sweeping this under the carpet could be the worst thing to do. The "life style" / behaviors continues and it continue in a manner that gets dangerously worse as the WW feels less and less about her self worth. Putting them selves in very scary places.


----------



## lovestruckout (Jul 6, 2011)

the guy said:


> In some cases the "life style" is / or gets so unhealthy that action has to take place.
> 
> Blowing it it up is a great way to put it, I have also heard about "turning the trash cans over".
> 
> ...


100% agree. While I now know I'm going to be fine with or without my lady, although I love my kids with all my heart and would die for them, I'd be lying if I didn't say a small part of me wishes I never started a life with this woman (and I KNEW...but didn't confirm she was already up to things prior to and during our engagement) because without kids, the decision would be extremely easy. She is a very good mother and I think we'll be able to associate with each other in the event we (I?) can't get over this...and I guess since you are connected to a person after kids for life...may as well try to keep it civil for the sake of the children.

And double yes, I have stopped wondering how my WW could have such little respect for me...because she has had such little respect for herself all this time.

Confront NOW, or things will only get worse!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

GPS tag her car.


----------



## fool for love (Sep 20, 2011)

I call it my "spidey sense" and it is always on the money. When that gets tingling I always finds the reason. You have mentioned so many HUGE flags. You should start investigating and get down to the bottom.

FYI:

If I ever questioned her integrity or honesty she would flip the argument on me in a heartbeat and act offended, throw a fit, and rush out of the house for the night.

This is a MAJOR guilt factor. They either flip out or turn it on you, has happened to me for sure!

Good luck!


----------



## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

fool for love said:


> If I ever questioned her integrity or honesty she would flip the argument on me in a heartbeat and act offended, throw a fit, and rush out of the house for the night.
> 
> This is a MAJOR guilt factor. They either flip out or turn it on you, has happened to me for sure!
> 
> Good luck!



This may be the biggest red flag of them all. Cheaters always....always...always...get offended when you question there integrity.


----------



## lovestruckout (Jul 6, 2011)

RWB said:


> LSO,
> 
> While sad, it is kinda "funny" strange that you and I have parallel in regards to marriage and our wives' affairs. My gut told me for something was wrong long before I had the proof.


Yeah a number of us really are in this thing together. And it's quite the clusterfvck. Not only did my gut tell me I was wrong, my gut also told me I was a coward for not manning up many years before I finally did.


----------



## DMB324 (Sep 19, 2011)

ALWAYS GO WITH YOUR GUT!

I had the same feeling and it was right.

My husband practically hides his phone up his ass 24/7. I never ever see phone, however he always wants to look thru mine. 

I went online and looked at his txt records and there was a number of a girl from his work. He txts her more than me.

So yeah you have to snoop but if your gut is telling you something isn't right, go with it!


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Your Wife is cheating.

Set all the misdirection, and gaslighting to the side and run on that assumption. It's a fact.

Now, you just need a plan. You say she is clever? You need a plan. You already know how she reacts and you can guess hwta she is going to do with some degree of accuracy... couple that with the fact that cheaters usually get sloppy and you should be able to get what you need.

First, stop confronting her with every hunch and tidbit of information you find... this just causes her sense of parnanoia to be higthened and she will continue to be very careful... you want her disarmed as much as possible... You have to get your "nets" in place first and as tough as it will be, you NOT YANK the HOOK the moment you get a nibble...

Start with a realtime GPS monitor... you can find one on google for around 100 bucks... if you have a smartphone, another option is to install realtime GPS tracking on your own phone and leave it in her car. BUt you need this in place.... 

thats just a piece of it. and knowing when you start an argument she is going to run out for the night... there you go ready made evidence you just pull the trigger on the "fight"... 

There are lots more steps, and things you can do...

Make a plan, work your plan.

Once you crack the wall of her lies, it will start pouring out. It almost aways seems impossible and impenetrable at first... Its not, you just need to start getting some traction. A plan.


----------



## Chrono (Mar 23, 2011)

The biggest alarm for me with my wife's EA was the locking of her smart phone and the constant text messaging. I finally looked at the cell phone bill and discovered the truth as well as some very shocking picture messages. Still makes me very angry... 6 months later.


----------



## Tisme (Sep 16, 2011)

Yeah it doesn't look good... what kind of phone and what kind of OS on the laptop? If it's an iPhone you can read texts from the backup file. Something I've always said is that people with nothing to hide do not hide... people that do, well...


----------



## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

The gut doesn't lie... There is something wrong and that is what it is trying to tell you.

You need to dig... call in sick one day act like u are going to work and follow her... keylogger if you can get access to her computer.. Phone (they have key loggers for them too) voice activated recorder in her car....You need proof... Once you get the proof then you can confront...DO NOT CONFRONT her now.. it will only make it harder...


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Your wife is having sex with another man.

Are you going to do something about it?

Find the evidence, it isn`t that hard.
The fact that you haven`t yet tells me you really don`t want to rock her boat.

Why?


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

CW,
 The ughly and painful truth is all coming together, with you resent find and the typical behavior she has left with no idea were. 

Please get your ducks in a row and let her play out her lie in your favor. A manipulation that will bring this affiar out in the open and a confrontation of biblical proportion.

Eliminating all possiblity to deny and the very bright light that will shine on the evil, unhealthy, corrupt, deceitful, block out of mind behavior your wife is doing.

Blow this sh~t out of the water with a clear and decisive attack that is calculated for the greatest effect on showing her the wrong that she is doing. Hard proof that will clear up your doubts


Right now calm and calculated decision will serve you well while your emotion are of the chart. Hense the reason to breath and think and then decide. get out there and investigate...QUIETLY! Make sence?


----------

