# threatening divorce? what next?



## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

so friends, I guess this ride is taking yet another turn.

we are not moving as the landlord came through, thank god...one thing in this mess will stay the same for our children.

Thanksgiving was good. enjoyed by everyone.

h was in woods all day again yesterday, preparing for hunting. our 5 y/o gets her first loose tooth. WANTS nothing more than to show/tell dad.we call and leave a message.

hours...dinnertime he finally calls back.what an ass! she is 5 the excitement is gone...h takes it out on me. wtf???

now i am upset, i didnt do or say anything.

he cant take this anymore, hes done, he cant live like this. he is filing for divorce the first of the year...

what next??? 

more eggshells and kissing his butt as not to upset him? what about me?? i have endured everything myself for the last 4 months. his visits mean nothing to me anymore. he is soooo tired of trying to make us happy. it would be such an easy thing if he were to LISTEN and HEAR anything that was being said...

he has been told by dr...mlc, depression low testosterone. complete denial to this day.

i know it is all about him...i have been living it!

daz8ed and cw, i am so angry now the detachment should be easier, and Im not going to wait until after the holidays! I need my sanity.

I love him, our family and what we used to have in life b4 all of this craziness! if that is what he wants...i cant stop him...

I do wonder if it is his way of getting me to shut up and back off...either way that is what he will get now. peace and quiet.
its me and our girls...


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

This is difficult advice Lost. I've lived this routine with my H but I'm a little further ahead of you in this "game."

If I had to go back and do things over again...this is what I'd do.

Find an attorney. Get recommendation from family and friends. If you know a real estate attorney or any other type of attorney call them. Ask for recommendations. They know who is good and will return calls and be professional. You don't have to let you H know at this point that you have been investigating. I interviewed 3 attorneys before I found my match. The last was highly recommended by other attorneys.

Then, I would sit my H down without my kids present. I would say in various words/ways.."I love you. I want this marriage. You don't. I deserve better. I feel that you need help. If this is a marriage that you can't be in....then I won't stop you from divorcing." 

Finally, I would set my boundaries. What you want to feel comfortable. You can set up a visitation schedule together. He must call before he drops by. You only speak about the kids/mutual business. Discuss about financial obligations. No big purchases on either side. 

Write your boundaries on paper before you discuss them.

No dinners/no overnighters etc. He gets to be a single dad. I know you are afraid of this hurting the kids. They won't like it one bit. They don't like it now. This is a reality of divorce. He needs to FEEL what a divorce is like. 

It's my hope that he wakes up with the REALITY of divorce. 

You've catered to him Lost. You've kept your mouth shut. You have waited patiently. You haven't gotten you needs met.

He needs to FEEL it. 

I did many of these things but much later on. Do this now and get it settled earlier.


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## Nanook (Nov 21, 2009)

I agree with CW, this has been going for way too long. I read back on your threads, very confusing, he is there one minute, then not, he is happy, then not.
I did not read the reason of the separation, why does he want it.

Is he clinically depressed? and is he getting help for it.
He sounds like he wants a wife that just shuts up, and is a piece of furniture, with no opinion.
I have no idea how you have put up with this rollercoaster of a ride for so long. I will applaud you there, you must be the most patient person I have ever read about.
You need to stop this. Like you say why in the new year, why not now. He is just threatening you, because he knows you will back off and shut up, and then you guys will have a happy festive period etc,but for how long, until next time.
Unless he gets a shock and wakes up to reality on what separation will be like, this will keep happening.
Dont be too harsh, By what I read he is a good dad, so joint custody, he gets to spend time with kids reasonable amount of time. No more just popping in etc.He needs to let you know he is coming.
And no more sharing every detail of things with him. If you feel yourself going for the phone, go clean. Let him know what he has to know. If kids want to talk to him, put them on the phone.
This will not be easy, because it has been going on for so long.
But either way, he will get a wake up call, and want you back, and be willing to change, or he will leave for sure, but at least then you will know, and you can at least start a new life.
Reading back on your months, I was confused at times, I was reading the threads, happy holidays, then bad, then house hunting, then at your house, then at his moms. 
I will try read your first post as well, just trying to find it, because the ups and downs of your life with him are mind boggling. So just want to try understand a bit more.
Good luck, who knows what will happen, I am sure you think aggghhhh no not again.
You can put a stop to things. Do something.
If you can not shut all doors at once to him, do it gradually, this week say he needs to call B4 visiting, next week, something small again, until gradually, he thinks, hold on this is not nice.
Take care


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

a big thanks to both of you!

My posts ARE up and down...just like him. no more!

i will admit i bought a copy of Divorce Remedy today...im gonna read it.
Although I dont want this, I cant stop it.

his reason for leaving was that he is unhappy, needs to find himself...all the bs.

the only thing i know is that he is depressed, has low testosterone and has been told he is having a mlc. yes by dr.

I have to take a stand, for my sanity and for our girls.

CW you are ahead of me, although i do not envy you for that, I truly appreciate your advice!

I will continue to read, post and think...its going to take me a few to figure out exactly how I want to do all of this, it going to be hard.

I am thinking to start with some more counseling for myself...to keep nc as easily as i can, and maybe for the girls...ill need to speak with someone about how that would work...

I really am at a loss on all of this, if it were his heart, I wouldnt walk away...he is being an ass though and not fair in any way shape or form...its so sad.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

NO matter what his reason or THE reason...he is focusing his marriage as the problem. My H is exactly like this. Divorce will be the "miracle" he's been searching.

My H is living a lonely life. It's superficial with people that don't know anything about his world. He has a few close friends. Only one in which he confides. In my mind, his life has changed for the worse. He doesn't have to worry about me anymore but everything else is the same or worse. He still "eyes" the divorce though. 

Not one person understands why. Only my H knows. Then again...does he really know? I'm not at all positive about that one!

They have to find their way LOST. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. Letting someone I love go.


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## Nanook (Nov 21, 2009)

I agree, you need to let him go, very hard to do. But for your sanity. You can not keep living in his messed up mind, it will mess you up. Let him go, which does not mean you will stop caring. 

What is that saying, "if you love something set if free........"
Dont think of it as 'us' needs to be you and the kids, focus on that, and that is all.
When you have a moment of weakness, think 'is this good for us and the kids', for once follow your head, not your heart.
Good luck


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

thanks n, i know...

im gonna detach myself and see where that takes it all.

he called late yesterday and I didnt answer, the next thing I know he was at the door! he wanted to spend some time...

well the kids gave hugs and kisses and went about their way...me...i went to the grocery store, came back got a bath, took my book and went out to the sunroom to read...
3hrs later after sitting by himself for the most part in front of the tv...he got ready and left. so sad!

baby steps for me but it was a good start!

i will admit i bought a copy of divorce remedy...it will give me something to do, without h knowing...

I hate this...i know he is so foggy right now and that makes it all the worse...

im gonna detach and take away his privledges a little at a time...


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## Nanook (Nov 21, 2009)

Well done, I bet there were times you felt sorry for him. Good going. Like you say, a small step, but it is HUGE in many ways.

Keep going like this.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

That's a good start.

It will be difficult when he gives you the mixed signals again. Mine still does.

I am friendly but still detached. It gets easier over time.


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

guys, i need some more input on little ways to help detach.it is soooo hard.

thanks...

i thought this was going in one direction and now i have no idea...
i want to do things the best i can for me and my girls!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Look under the website for Divorce Busting on their online community for tips.

Tell him that he needs to call before he comes over.

Only talk when necessary (kids/mutual business).

Don't chit chat. When he starts....politely say "oh..I am sorry I have to go." 

He needs to feel how it is to be divorced. 

Get busy with your life lost. Ask him to watch the kids when you go out! Don't tell him what you are doing even if it's the library.


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

thanks c, I have been doing a lot of reading there...

heres a ? for all of you...

with this nc stuff, do i also let him have the responsibility to himself as far as the girls go?
i dont want to have to remind him...i know he doesnt forget...i am kinda scared that by keeping my distance so to speak is like telling him its ok...go do whatever ya want...

sorry if this seems so common, its only day 5 for me. should have started a loong tome ago


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

"do i also let him have the responsibility to himself as far as the girls go? i dont want to have to remind him...i "

Responsibility for what? Remind him of what?

My immediate reaction is you are NOT responsible for him. You are not his reminder alarm on his to-do list. However, are your girls at risk?


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

no d8zed, the are at any risk...

with me I backing waaay off, i dont want it to affect them.

I guess what i am afraid of is that ok...its giving him time to have his space and see everything the way he should, without my input all of the time

i dont want them to suffer if he isnt around as much...im not asking him over or calling him

i know im not responsible for him, but i am responsible for them...im at odds as how to handle it the right way


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

It's up to him to realize the kids want/need to see him and it's up to him to make the necessary arrangements to make that happen. If he calls and says "hey, I want to come over and spend some time with the girls", then you can decide if it's okay if he does that in your home or if you'd prefer he takes them elsewhere. That way, you're not denying him the need to see the girls. If he wants to spend time with them in your home, maybe you can use that to spend some time alone - local library, bookstore, coffee shop, shopping, etc.


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

thanks! that helps!

whats your take on the nc concept?


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

"whats your take on the nc concept?"

I believe it has to be done this way in order for the "healing" to occur - on both sides. He may not like it and view it as a control or power mechanism on your part. But he must start realizing what separation/divorce really feels like. And you're not doing it as a form of punishment or revenge. You're doing it to heal emotionally and to detach yourself from the outcome. If he decides he wants to come back, YOU can decide if that's what you want in your life. If he decides to divorce, YOU will be in a better state to move forward. Or, YOU might decide to proceed with the divorce.


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

thanks, thats exactly what my take is too! I need to heal...even though my own actions seem to have made this harder than it needed to be!


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

i was reading ALOT of past posts yesterday...LH had one concerning anger...that it can be a good thing...could i get some more input please?

thanks!

its day 6!! so far so good with the n

I dont want the anger to continue, it is atleast an emotion...he needs to work through it himself and be able to eventually let it go...


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Yes he needs to work through his anger.. So do you.. You need to heal and move past. Nothing good can come about when anger and frustration are present.


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

Hi guys! thanks to you all. I am checking in...been catching up on some reading on the threads and kinda lurking i guess! lol

wanted to share my weekend with you guys to get some input,again unbelieviably upsetting...

h started his 2 week long class this past fri...i have been doing a good, not perfect but good job with the nc. seemed like it was bothering him because he would eventually call...

stopped fri to see the girls b4 going to class...ok...ends the very short conversation with him saying he was thinking of coming home...OMG! that is THE one thing i havent heard come out of his mouth!I simply replied that it was something we could discuss when we had more time.h says ok that he was going to stop on his way back out to parents...

never showed up, nor did i hear from him...not until sun after dinner time...now i know he had class sat and sun, 8-4 but wtf?

explained how tired he was...blah blah blah ok whatever, not worth an argument but where is the respect? only takes a minute to call right?didnt say anything let it go...

h comes over to help 8 y/o monday b4 class with school project.
this time ends conversation saying he doesnt want to be married anymore, wants to file after the first of the year...

now, how can this be?? there is no one else...i have snooped, pried, spied...cant find anything. i almost wish i could because then it may make sense...

can someone be that undecided? is it to get a reaction out of me?

or...

does this just kick back to the mlc and depression part of it all? this man in my opinion TRULY doesnt know what he wants...

2morrow will be 4 months he has been out of the house...i see no improvement in him at all...

he is still unhappy, always complaining of work, driving such far distances because of where his parents live compared to here and work, he seems to always be sick in one way or another and always angry at everyone and everything...

just dont get it! i have made soooo many changes in sooo many different ways. so how can he blame me??? its him isnt it???

some of your thoughts would be appreciated!!! thanks!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

OK Lost! You are secretly married to my husband!

My dear girlfriend said "quit looking for him for answers when he doesn't know them himself. You are looking for logic in a person who isn't logical." I found it dead on.

My H isn't cheating. Never has. He isn't any happier then when he left. He been gone for 5 months. Our D date is Jan. 6th. He want to be friendly and friends. 

He can't talk about why or how of the relationship. He's a deer in the headlights when I ask him questions about "us." Very little or no response. He's clueless of he's downright afraid to tell. 

My H is also angry. Not at me. He's has outbursts with people on phone (service person) when he doesn't get the service he needs. Same outbursts when he gets cut off in traffic. He's been like this for 1.5 years. Not like how he was before.

Before we separated and often when he was drinking (new habit over 1.5 years) in the evening he would give "hints" of his unhappiness. It always ended up with with these negative thoughts on our arguments, or fun that we didnt' have, or wine/steak that he wanted to eat with me (yes), or the argument that we had before our wedding day (25 years ago). It was incredible the memory that my H has even though he can barely remember the birth of our children.

It's like he came up with this "world" that he manipulated to justify his feelings and behaviors. A world, in which I lived with him in it, but didn't quite pick up the same story. 

It's him LOST. It's not us. We have flaws. We don't run. They don't know what else to do or the reason they do it. 

I know I will be divorced before he comes around. Poor man.


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

C,

I am having such bad times! our pastor told me yesterday...i spoke to him on my own again...out of desperation that if d is something that i dont want not to acknowledge he even talks about it

how can i do that? 

i didnt sign up to be a single mom, to have our children not have him around...this in and out sucks but if i stop that, even though i would like to the girls would suffer more.

i dont know if i am more hurt or angry that he would even want it... his reasons are he is trapped and smothered. 

pastor has spoken to me endlessly abour mlc and depression and sadly all along he fits them to a t. so much that it is frightening! maybe your h is somewhere in that world too...mine says EVERYTHING is for the kids...i wish he would wake up. i cant stop them from getting not so good vibes...i try to encourage them in ways that they wont. they are short with him and very clingy with me...i guess its because im the one here with them all the time and doing and taking care of their needs...so sad. breaks my heart...any suggestions?

the nc is a tiny bit easier as it keeps mr from being so upset all of the time. i still cry every night no matter how hard i try not to!

heres another weird thing he did yesterday... he cuts it very close in time from going from work to class, not by choice, because of the times he works...h comes out of his way to bring me some tools that i have been asking for for 2 1/2 months


ps my h is a service and installation tech...he foghts with the contractors and homeowners...go figure~


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I guess what your pastor means by not acknowledge his divorce talk is to not feed into those thoughts. However, I would warn you to prepare youself anyway. You still need to have a plan of how you could be a single mom (financial/child care/visitation/housing). Because of their craziness, you can't depend upon them to be logical. 

It's sort of a plan for the worse and hope for the best. Plan A or Plan B. Plan for both is my sentiment.


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

yes c,'
thats exactly what he means...ty!

have taken a stand, and gathered alot of information...

what amazes me is unfortunately, the amount of money he would be required to pay...sheesh...

I have a consultation with l next week. will keep u posted...

i do need to know even if i dont want to


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

friday am, dad went into hospital via ambulance.

h was AMAZING!

yesterday after leaving hospital 1st time, dad was taken to icu, bleeding ulcer...

called h. he took care of girls...took them to sil, went to class , brought girls home, gotr them in bed...

said he was staying in case i got another call from hospital.

then decides he is not staying... i was ticked but whatever, i just want to go to bed...didnt argue

follows me out to kitchen and proceeds to tell me why...no real reason. he says he is finally sticking up fpr himself...he moved out 4 months ago...only see him getting worse with depression mlc...

AGAIN tells me he is filing after the first of the year...why???

he feels suffocated and trapped...

states he is getting nothing but crap from everyone...family i guess. he has isolated them all, all of his friends...they dont agree with what he is doing...

this is not my fault either...

i suspect that the few friends he does things with every once in a while support his decisions...

i cant stop any of this, i am down and i hate the word divorce, let alone what it does to a family.

dont know what to do i cant seem to get any of ot out of my mind...especially worrying about my dad

the grass may look greener i guess...however it takes a whole lot of work to keep it that way...h doesnt have any time for anything...how to keep up???

sorry i am all over the place, literally...'

all i hear id dad, divorce dad divorce...


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

I am so sorry for you lost - 
protect yourself and plan as CW says 
she knows the good stuff.
he isn't able to be there for you at the moment 
who knows why - as CW it doesn't follow a logic 
you are dealing with lots at the moment - surround yourself with those who can honestly support you - 
leave him out as much as you can
you don't need any more disapointment or hurt 
as hard as it is try to start training yourself to not consider things from his persepctive -
that pulls in the opposite direction of where you need to go - let him suffer, be happy, be crazy, be guilty, all of the above - who cares - it's his cr** and until he can put that stuff aside and be a partner to you it is a waster of energy thinking about it....
this is just advice I got from lots of folk - it is not easy to follow but eventually it helped me when I did -


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

The only way he can move past where he is to have others leave him alone. It is only pushing him further. They might thinking they are helping but in his current state it's only making him mad which is keeping this from moving on.. Hopefully he gets peace before he goes to far..


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

LH,

I couldnt agree more!

All the work im so desperately doing with nc...especially at at time like this with my dad, they need to be hs friends and family and just listen and NOT JUDGE...

maybe if they would allow him to get this all out, it would help!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I hope your Dad is feeling better LOST. So scary.

Let your H sort out his issues. It's too tiring to wonder all the time...what he's gonna do.

Plan and protect. 

My H is EXACTLY like your H. He felt suffocated. HOw does that happen when you have no contact? Is he joking? That's a crock! My H isolated and still does for the most part. He's a lonely man. Won't accept advice or help pre-separation and is certainly not going to now. 

I HATE divorce. GOD HATES divorce. I pray for things to change but sometimes you have to release them and let them lie for awhile.


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## wren (Aug 19, 2009)

I am sorry to hear about your father. I know how scary and tiring that can be! For now, please be kind to yourself. Your H needs to be left alone so he can no longer blame others for his anger. He need the space to sort out his head and there is no time limit for these things, unfortunately. Try your best to leave him be, lost. And just take care of you and yours.


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

hi everyone! thanks to all with your thoughts and comments on Dad! he is out of icu today :smthumbup: but not out of the woods yet...dr is contemplating surgery due to the size of both the ulcer and the blood clot...

surprise surprise...h did a great job...when i was in real need...

alsp passed his test and is now a Captain (boat), he plans to go for Master Captain in jan...

my h actually sat and ate dinner with the girls and i last night (i didnt invite him...he was here with the kids), watched a few Christmas specials with the girls...i went into bed.

i woke up to him on the couch... funny i actually slept all night! i got the kids off, got myself ready and went to work...never said anything.

met him at the school this afternoon for a previously scheduled meeting about 8 y/o d.

they wanted to ride in the truck so he rode them back to the house. hung out a while and said he had to get going...

again i didnt say much, i did make a point to thank him for all of his help...talk to ya later...he kissed me on the cheek...WHAT?? said he thought last night was really nice???

dont know what that was all about , gonna carry on with as much nc as possible and do for me and the girls...

today was a MUCH better day!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Good I am glad that you aren't giving up on the NC. It may take many months and many tongue bites due to repression of feelings.

Either way it goes, it helps you detach a bit.


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

just kinda lurking tonight, trying to gain insight from others and lend an ear for those in need...


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Lost you have to continue to let him draw closer and do all the movements. I know you want to push it forward but this could be him missing "us" now. Hang in there and continue this line. You'll soon know his true intentions. Whether he is just lonely or really does miss you..


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

LH,

I know and i agree...my biggest problem and fear is that one day he is loving and kind...acting more like himself and then hes angry at the world and reminding me he is filing for divorce...

do i just ignore his words and continue with the movements and motions of what comes so natural???

do i deny him the marital bed if it were to lead to that?

im at a loss here.

i was just pm'ing cw...he is withdrawn from everyone and everything...
hasnt even talked about his new friends let alone his old ones...

no family and now no one at work ( he injured his back)...so sad

i am soooo tired of the being in limbo, being blamed for everything..

lh...he actually told me he is so proud of the changes i have made...but he CAN NOT take a chance...

still says US and WE with almost everything...

time is on my side i guess...


in man language what does this mean?

im not on a pity hunt...i am truly exhausted. i have done nothing but run for 8 straight days...literally


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

This is how I see NC! 

NC is exactly what it means except with mutual business and kids.

The marital bed without an apology and reconciliation will leave YOU hopeful and hurt. I wouldn't do it. I would kindly tell him why.

You will get tons of mixed messages. The words and actions don't always blend. Recently, my H made dinner; said "i love you"; said he liked my shirt, boots, glasses, hair, smell, and the list goes on; he said that i was smart and kind and beautiful. OK. Get it! Any normal human being would say "hey, he must be changing his mind about US!" Well.....1 year later..not a thing has changed.

Your H will be crystal clear when he wants back in=let him be the one that makes the move.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Stay strong Lost.. These are the times where patience needs to be practiced. The same thing CW said. Don't do it.. Let him lead. Yet follow what he wants to do if you so choose. Not the bed though. He needs to do other things that shows he wants you.. Guys are a lot less timid then women. Usually if we want something we will go after it.. Your doing great and the NC thing is working..


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

thanks guys!

the nc is easier for me now...

BUT, he has been spending alot more time here. this helps...

i find things to keep me busy and then when he does leave i DO NOT call unless it is something to do with the girls...


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

ok, i went out last night...felt really strange, was only out for a few hours had 1 drink...but I DID IT!!!:smthumbup:

question...

its snowing here and i tried diligently to entertain the girls in it...

as usual they want their dad.

5 y/o talks to him and asks when are you coming home we want to play in the snow more...he is WAY more into it than i am...

he tried to take it out on me. stopped him by saying i understand you are busy, they are excited, ill try again later.

he is pissed and trying to tell me he feels like a you know what , he feels guilty, hes gonna tell them hes not gonna be coming home.

here we go again...

8y/o psych says its best to let them think he is at work as the are accustomed to this. i have been doing ONE HELL of a job here basically on my own for 4 months...

however it is a bit hard to do it ALL!

any input will be greatly appreciated!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I think the truth, told age appropriate, is the best and only route to go.

Children, as you know, are VERY smart. They know something is up and it's not good.

I told my kids, little bits, along the way.

1) "Dad and I are having problems with our marriage. We are trying to work things out with a counselor."

2) "We are stilling having a tough time."

These were the words that I used with our kids...so they weren't too shocked when Divorce came into the picture. Otherwise, given our non-fighting atmosphere they may have not known anything was wrong.

Tell the kids that you and dad are having a hard time in your marriage. Tell them that it's not their fault, but sometimes adults need a break...like daddy. 

I'm not sure what you have already told them?


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

we have only told them he got another job...they were accustomed to him working a lot of different shifts...it is easy for them to grasp.


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

oh , btw...

he had a ton of questions about my going out. my fil let it out of the bag...on purpose i think...he flipped. fil told him it shoudnt matter to him...

none of his business what i do right? HE is the one that left...i didnt say this to him, but i did laugh out loud about it...after we hung up

i feel bad saying this but am i crazy or does this say something inside of itself???

what the heck does he think divorce would be like...i dont need to clear a thing through him b4 i do it...right?


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Keep on LOST with the secrets. He needs to feel what a divorce is like.


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

You have every right to go out and have fun lost! His reaction just shows that he wasn't prepared or willing to believe that you could do this...in other words you caught him off guard!! And that's good. Your right, he needs to know what a divorce is going to feel like b/c a few years down the road and you two are not together, does he really think you are still going to be waiting at home for his permission? Good job lost, your doing well!!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Pre-separation, I began a version of the no contact. I would go out and not tell him where or with whom I was hanging.

I'd come home and he'd have a bit of an attitude. 

To me, it was working-the no contact.


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

c,

im gonna continue with it. i DO feel good about myself, but a part of me still feels bad for him.

he was truly pissed like i had no right to do anything...funny but sad that he felt that way...HELLO??? whats the meaning of separation? divorce? being single?

he called EARLY this morning, excited that he finally recieved his pic that was taken when he met Sarah Palin...yeah...why did he call me??im glad but...


so twisted...so stinking twisted!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

It's good to hear Lost. They really have no clue about the NC. They just react to their feelings.

He calls you to tell the details of his life. No shocker. Who else wants to listen to the mundane things of life. Most times, my H calls about the kids he wants to tell me the details. 

During my strict NC days, I would say..."oh, sorry I gotta go" as soon as he started telling me what he bought at CVS pharmacy! haha

It's a joke-really it is when you are not semi-conscious like our spouses!


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

hi everyone! sorry been busy trying to get the christmas shopping done! so sick of pushy people!!!

not much new on the homefront...

h has mentioned he has been thinking of home again...what do i do ? ignore it all until i KNOW he means it and that he truly wants it for the right reasons?? i simply said ...you know how i feel about it. I would much rather see us in marriage counceling,and individual counceling that to be forced into parenting classes and counceling because it is required for divorce...

i just couldnt help myself...my bad,he didnt flip or anything like he usually does. i just couldnt bite hard enough on that one...

its gonna be a crazy rest of the week for me...a lot of visiting in opposite directions for the holiday.

I would TRULY like to thank EACH AND EVERY ONE of my dearest friends on the boards!!! you know who you all are!! I have a certain kind of love for you all! without you, i wouldnt have made it as far as i have! still have a ways to go too!!!

i wish you all Merry Christmas! my prayers are with you all!

A secret of mine is that still at 39, Christmas is my favorite time of the year...this year is different in a way due to the obvious...BUT and thats a really BIG but...im gonna enjoy it with my girls and my husband ...extended family and friends...

im not giving that up for ANY reason!!!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

This is what I would do...if my H wanted to come home.

I would tell him that he may come home..if he truly wants this marriage and wants to work on it at 100%. Tell him that when he's ready for that....to come to you.

Otherwise, allowing him to come home without a full commitment will lead YOU to further heartbreak.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

I think you need to talk about what went wrong and how to stop it from happening again. Counseling is a must. Be careful as you talk to him make sure it is genuine and ready to commit. You can't run your kids again through this. I wish you well. I am gald it is going better for you..


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

C and LH,

you are both so very right. 

I am not bringing it up to him. He MUST come to me, and then and only then am I willing to entertain the option.

individual counceling for h and then into mc for us both. no other option. He MUST be committed 100%. No way around that.

I am willing to do the holiday with him because of the girls deserving it.

I am NOT willing to be a doormat any more... I will work, compromise and anything else i need to do...ONLY when he can and DOES show me he wants it...the whole kit and kaboodle!


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Now your talking. You know what you want out of your marriage and not going to settle. That is great.. This is how I feel about mine now. I know what I want to be happy and if I don't get it I will stop giving. She knows this and is willing to work on it. If you guys BOTH learn you will be stronger then ever.. I hope you do..


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## tryingtobefreed (Dec 25, 2009)

Well yesterday my husband told me he wanted a divorce. Trying to keep it undercover until we tell the kids. He thinks he will find happiness. It seems that he is always sad especially on the weekends. I am relieved in so many ways but so very sad. The last 6 years have been the hardest after husband had affair. I filed for divorce and then he came around. I should have let him feel alone longer because it seems the same reasons are still unresolved. I am between sad, angry and relief. We have been married 17 years. I do think my husband had problems with depression. Never been willing to go to marriage counseling. He told because he did not want it to work.


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