# Husband and ex calling each other



## flowerlady (Nov 21, 2009)

My Husband and his ex have 3 adult children (they are all in their 30's) I have found out that they have called each other multiple times in Nov. When I asked him about this, he said it was out of concern for their kids (one is in an unhealthy marriage, one has a medical problem) We all live in the same town. Ex wife has never remarried, and left my Husband after 20 years of marriage. He and I have been married for 10 years, and I never thought to "ask" him if they called each other. I don't care for her, and he is fully aware of this. I am having a hard time understanding this situation. When he and I are in the presence of his ex (at grandkids b'day parties, etc. they hardly even say hi to each other..?) if the kids were young, I would understand, but these are grown adults. Any suggestions are appreciated.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

His answer seems reasonable, if there's an absence of other warning flags.

C


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

When do we stop being parents? My folks were split. Bitter divorce. But when my divorce happened, they spoke back and forth quite frequently about it I later found out. Parents will always have concern for their children. No matter the age.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

I agree with everyone else. My parents have been divorced for probably 25 years now, my mom remarried for 20 of those years at least. I'm nearly 40 and I know for certain that they spoke several times prior to and just after a surgery I had last spring.

Seems totally natural to me that parents would talk to one another when it concerns their kids at any age.


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## heyheyitschrish (Jan 17, 2014)

My husband and his ex-girlfriend do not have children together and they have chatted in the past and during our dating stages and even in our marriage and I do not mind at all, for numerous reasons...
1. Trust/Confidence in my husband and the fact that he would never cheat or feel the need to cheat. 
2. He has stated that he never truly loved her, it was a fleeting feeling he got with her, and he has no feelings romantically/sexual attraction or anything for her anymore. Which ties back into trust, because I believe him.
3. I actually really love her as a person, her & I are so so similar in everything and in opinions so if he had a question about some of my likes or something and he asked her for advice it would probably swing things in my favor! She has been nothing but sweet and wonderful to me, happy for me and my husband and she has a serious boyfriend of her own now and we are all aquaintances. Plus, my husband would never of been the same man he is today without experiencing her before we met! Relationships do shape people and they grew and learned alot together which benefit the person he is today!

What makes you not secure in the relationship and worry about them talking? Especially because they have children. And what makes you dislike her? Has she ever given you a reason?


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## WayUpNorth (Dec 14, 2013)

My SO and her X talk quite frequently. They have children (grown) in common. They live less than a mile apart. I don't have a problem with it as long as that is all there is to it.


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## john1068 (Nov 12, 2013)

flowerlady said:


> My Husband and his ex have 3 adult children (they are all in their 30's) I have found out that they have called each other multiple times in Nov. When I asked him about this, he said it was out of concern for their kids (one is in an unhealthy marriage, one has a medical problem) We all live in the same town. Ex wife has never remarried, and left my Husband after 20 years of marriage. He and I have been married for 10 years, and I never thought to "ask" him if they called each other. I don't care for her, and he is fully aware of this. I am having a hard time understanding this situation. When he and I are in the presence of his ex (at grandkids b'day parties, etc. they hardly even say hi to each other..?) if the kids were young, I would understand, but these are grown adults. Any suggestions are appreciated.


I don't see any problem with this. Just because the kids are grown does not negate that they are the parents of the kids, and, at times, will need to talk about them. In the absence of any red flags, I'd let this go.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

The only thing that bothers me is that you say you "found out." Does that mean he told you, or you found out some other way? I would most likely mention something like that to my wife "Oh I talked to ex today, sounds like John's marriage is really going down the toilet" etc.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I talk to my ex frequently about the kids. life, our common investments, hobbies etc. It really is no big deal and my partner has no issue with it.

Why are you so upset about this, it makes little sense unless there are other problems you aren't explaining here. They are parents, they will forever be tied together, deal with it or risk ruining your marriage.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

This happened back in November. A few months ago.

Did he hide it from you or something?

I'd imagine they do talk being that they have children together.


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## flowerlady (Nov 21, 2009)

I am upset about this because they haven't had the need to call each other for app. 10 years now...but in 2 months time, she has called him one time, he has called her TWELVE times..??? She has no husband, just sleeps with married men now. This hurts me as my Husband and I are VERY close, best friends. I don't think he would have a physical affair with her, and I wish I could say, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he has no romantic feelings,etc. for her. He loved her MADLY 15 years ago, when she walked out on him....suggestions?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It seems you like and this lady have some problems from long ago, according to your other threads.

Have you asked him why he calls her so much? It does seem weird he is calling her that much when she has only called him once.

In another thread you mentioned how you efused to spend a Thanksgiving with her at your stepdaughter's home: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/family...dult-step-daughter-invites-entire-family.html

I am curious... it seems like there is a lot of hatred towards her from your end. Is there something else that happened? Were you involved with your husband before he divorced her? I am just trying to understand cause it seems you have a lot of resentment towards her.

Nonetheless, your husband is the one reaching out to her so much so he gets the blame for that.


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## flowerlady (Nov 21, 2009)

I just don't care for her simply because she does sleep with other womens husbands here in our local community. No, I was not involved while she and my husband were married. We had never seen each other while they were married. We started dating 12 years after their divorce. When I first asked my husband about these calls, he said they both had called each other several times in the past couple of months because one of the children was having surgery, and one of the other ones was having marital problems. When I saw phone bill, he had called her 12 times, she called him once...??


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

How do you know who she sleeps with, has she told you directly? 
Your husband has kids with her, the kids are having issues so the parents talk, it all sounds fairly standard.


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## flowerlady (Nov 21, 2009)

Yea, she told me directly


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

flowerlady said:


> I just don't care for her simply because she does sleep with other womens husbands here in our local community.


I see. I can get you not liking what she does with other people but it isn't related to you. That is why I still think there is something bigger looming here. From the way you desribe her, the issue seems very personal to you and not related to what she does with other men.

I think you may in some way feel jealous of her or angry because of this and probably a lot of other issues:




flowerlady said:


> When I first asked my husband about these calls, he said they both had called each other several times in the past couple of months
> 
> When I saw phone bill, he had called her 12 times, she called him once...??


The fact is, your husband is LYING to you. She is not reaching out to him. He is the one who keeps reaching out to her. Repeatedly. It seems odd you wouldn't be more angry with him and are taking it out on her?

You need to have a conversation with him.


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## flowerlady (Nov 21, 2009)

Jellybeans, I am insecure because it completely devastated him 20 years ago when she walked out on him.I know how much he loved her. I try repeatedly to talk with him about this, and he gets very defensive, and says the calls are about the grown children. There was a call last night on his phone, FROM her...We had all attended a bday party for a grandchild. I left ealier than my Husband, and she called him as SOON as he left the party......to tell him she was sorry we were all at the party at the same time....????? We're ALWAYS at Bday parties at the same time....whats up with that?? All kids & grandkids are doing fine at this time, so I don't understand what that call was about..???


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

I posted on your other thread as well. It seems that you feel insecure about his feelings towards his ex wife. Has he given you any reason whatsoever to feel that you are second best? 

He can't change the past. I think she is trying to stir up trouble. If you let it get to you, she will have gotten the satisfaction of knowing she upset you. He is not making the calls, she is.

You could try to let things blow over a bit, then say something like: you know, I'm your wife now and I feel like your ex W is overstepping boundaries. I feel kind of stressed when she calls for no specific reason. What do you think about this? 

If you talk to your husband in this way, you are not attacking him. You are just expressing your legitimate feelings and putting the ball in his court. From your posts, he seems reasonable, so he'll probably think, 'yeah, why is she calling?' and just cut her off.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

flowerlady said:


> My Husband and his ex have 3 adult children (they are all in their 30's) I have found out that they have called each other multiple times in Nov. When I asked him about this, he said it was out of concern for their kids (one is in an unhealthy marriage, one has a medical problem) We all live in the same town. Ex wife has never remarried, and left my Husband after 20 years of marriage. He and I have been married for 10 years, and I never thought to "ask" him if they called each other. I don't care for her, and he is fully aware of this. I am having a hard time understanding this situation. When he and I are in the presence of his ex (at grandkids b'day parties, etc. they hardly even say hi to each other..?) if the kids were young, I would understand, but these are grown adults. Any suggestions are appreciated.


This is a tough one. The only problem i can really see with this is the fact he never told you about it. Have i got that right??.

This maybe is why your feeling the way you do. I have 3 boys their a lot younger than yours 19 nearly 18, and one nearly 16 and my husband does not like me having any contact with my ex, then again my ex is a waste of space that only sees his kids maybe twice three times a year if lucky, If the boys need him, my husband prefers it if they contact him directly, so i can see how you feel, as my husband feels it too.

If my husband did find out that i had been in contact he would not be very happy, Like you he does not care for him at all.

My opinion sometimes is, I need to speak to him to discuss the children on occasion, but my husband will not have any of it, he feels that they can speak to him as much as they want, but he feels that he has no reason to speak to me.

Saying that, If he found out i was speaking behind his back he would be livid.

Regarding parties etc when they are both there. Maybe they both act like that because they are uncomfortable your all in the same place, I know when my kids comes down and were all in the same room you could cut the air with a knife....... 

The reason why i am uneasy is because i know how my hubby feels about my ex, no love lost there.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

I realize I got it wrong. She called him the last time, but he called her before..... Sorry about that.

But my advice basically stands. Tell him you feel uneasy about the contact and see what he says.

I understand why you feel insecure about this, but is she not rather silly and making a bit of a fool of herself? You need to take the high road. He married you and is buying a house with you. 

Try to ascertain what his feelings are without being confrontational (easier said than done!)


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