# confronting the other woman in an EA



## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

Do you ever think it is a good idea to confront the person your SO is having an emotional affair with?

My H is having an EA with a close friend of his who is a woman. She is proactively giving him marriage advice. He claims he will tell her not to discuss the marriage, but I'm not sure I believe him...

I am so tempted to email her and tell her to stay out of our marriage, as there are two sides to every story and she can't possibly give good advice unless she knows both sides (that, and has some life experience - which she doesn't have any)...

But I haven't done it because I am afraid it will make matters worse for us. We are working on our relationship, but have yet to go to a MC. H says when he gets to an MC and they tell him to sever his relationship with her, he will. I have not asked him to sever the relationship with her completely but I have asked him to distance her and he has not done that as of yet.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Split camp on that here, some will say yes, others no. To me it depends on the situation. It sounds to me like the first person you need to confront though is your H. Based on your post it sounds like he is still very much in contact with the OW. If they are truly having an EA this cannot continue unless you are willing to live with three people in your marriage. 

You can't "ask him to distance himself from her" You have to demand that he never have contact with her again if he wants to continue in the marriage. EA's are hard to quit/kill - very hard. Mine was only seven weeks and it was unbelievably hard to fully kill it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Tell him to end contact with her. And yep, if she keeps at it, say something to her.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Lydia said:


> We are working on our relationship, but have yet to go to a MC. H says when he gets to an MC and they tell him to sever his relationship with her, he will. I have not asked him to sever the relationship with her completely but I have asked him to distance her and he has not done that as of yet.


He needs an MC to tell him? Seriously? He can't do it on his own? Oh please--lame excuse. Not just that but you aren't even in MC so what's he waiting for? 

You have explained you are uncomfortable with this and he has... continued the relationship with her. Says it all.

What makes youthink it's an EA? Elaborate.


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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

He goes to her for everything. She is his "best friend"... He doesn't talk to me about anything meaningful anymore. He will sit on the phone with her for hours upon hours talking about things he should be talking to me about.

He has moved emotionally away from me and there really is no connection between us anymore. She goes on his facebook and comments on every single status he makes. I logged into his FB the other day and found messages between them regarding our marriage - she was giving him advice.

She does not like me as a person because we do not get along. We had a huge disagreement when she first came back into his life, and do not speak to each other anymore. She is always proactively telling him to leave me. She is always telling him that I am a ****ty person because I did not compromise with her during our disagreement (And therefore thinks I do not compromise with H). I know he has contributed to it - he tells her secrets about our marriage.

I do wish he would get rid of her. I have asked him to, during arguments usually, and he will accuse me of isolating him, of wanting him all to myself. He tells me I am trying to take his friends away from him. So, I told him I do not want to take her away from him if she is really a true friend, but I don't want him discussing our marriage and I would like him to distance her.

I am hoping that a marriage counselor mirrors what you have told me (to get rid of her completely) but until then, (we have an appointment on the 14th to begin counseling) I do not think he will stop talking to her completely. I've asked that during this time, we are trying to heal our relationship and fix things and she is just damaging everything that we are trying to accomplish. Things actually started to get better yesterday til I found the messages between them.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yeah--huge red flags.

He shouldn't be talking to her at all hours in the day especially if she is totally against your marriage.

What kind of "advice" was she giving him yesterday?

Tell him how this makes you feel. He should respect you. If not, then you need to decide if you want a marriage where a third party is involved.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Lydia said:


> of wanting him all to myself.


Well duh - of course you want him all to yourself and you're are right to do so. What about "I forsake all others" does he not understand? 

That relationship is totally inappropriate IMO. He's cake eating, having his emotional connection with her and you at home as his safety net/fall back. Then he's gas lighting you (trying to convince you that you are crazy/controlling for what you think/feel) about the nature of his relationship with the OW. 

It sounds like something of an equilibrium has established itself with your marriage existing this way, but it also sounds like you're no longer ok with it. You have to decide what you're willing to accept and what you expect, explain it to your H, and decide what happens if he doesn't play along.


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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

She is consistently telling him that he is not happy - and he is a "great guy and deserves the world" so if he is not happy, he should leave and find someone else.

That is the advice she is giving him. I feel like if she wasn't involved, our relationship would be highly salvagable and would have never gotten to this low.

I just want her to leave my relationship alone. I guess the only way to go about it is to get her out of the picture, but unfortunately my H does not see it this way and doesn't want to give her up for me.


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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

As a side note - my H also told me last week that he no longer loves me and feels no connection anymore, and suggested that we separate. I realize now I should have never left but I was so shocked, sad, all we did was fight after that. So after two days of stress and arguments - I decided to stay with my mom. We have been talking every day and going out on dates - but he still talks to her and still reminds me that he doesn't think we are going to work out.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh wow. YOu left out a major part of the equation.

If he wants to separate, there is nothing you can do but concede. If he were truly committed to you, whether you left to stay with your mom or not, he would still be trying to work it out, respect the fact that you don't liek this other woman involved in your marriage, and cut all ties with her.

Now is NOT the timet o chase after him. Be calm and confident. Tell him if he wants to separate that you are sorry that he feels that way but you will not stand in his way. 

Do 180s.


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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

He gives me mixed signals. We separated but he still asks me over to hang out. We go out on dates, and go home together... 

I think he still does love me and wants to be with me, however, he wants to appear strong to his friend, as well. I am sure he doesn't tell her about the dating part of it.

I think a part of him enjoys the victim mentality - that his friend has painted him as a victim of a horrible relationship, and he has used this to bond with her. That is why I feel so strongly like I wish to contact her because she is acting off only what he has told her......

The more I talk about it though, the more less worth it it seems. We are going to see a MC on Wednesday next week... Either way I think it will help me find some of the answers I am seeking. I blame my H for pulling away from me, not coming to me with his feelings, and seeking guidance from an outsider. I feel betrayed... But, at the same time, I still feel like there is something still left there between us.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Lydia said:


> He gives me mixed signals. We separated but he still asks me over to hang out. We go out on dates, and go home together...


Ok you left out MAJOR PARTS of your marriage/story.

You need to have a frank discussion with him: "I love going out on dates with you and hang out with you but I want to know whether you are fully committed to our marriage or not. I definitely am and I know that together we can restore our marriage. I think having outside friends give us advice isn't hte solution so I think in order for us to do this, we should axe getting adice from outsiders, other than MC."

Don't let him cake-eat.


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