# What am I doing wrong? Going in circles



## dwilson (Oct 29, 2008)

I'm new to this forum but i could use some guidance. Maybe you've been here before. 

I'm a single mother of a 7 year old boy. I've been dating my boyfriend for almost 3 years. We have been cohabitating for 2 years to save money. Recently our relationship has experienced some tension. I believe that cohabitating was a bad idea. As if "playing house" has given me false hope of our relationship progressing. Lately our conversations have turned to marriage and our future including possibly buying a house. 

I'm feeling that when I come to him with questions about where we're headed as a couple I get no answer or a lot of resistance. 

Last week I sat him down to tell him how important getting married to him was to me. Especially before any further talk of buying a house. His answer was "I don't know". He said the idea of losing me makes him scared and a little queasy, but he wants the moment he asks me to be special. But he's definately not ready for marriage yet. He also said he's waiting for some moment when it just feels right. 

Frankly I don't understand. I suggested couples therapy and he agreed. i'll let you know how it goes. 

thanks for listening.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

You are not going in circles and you are not doing anything wrong. You have discussed couples therapy and that is the right thing to do. Good for you. Before entering into marriage you need to both be on the same beam. Help him to discover whey he is hesitating at this time. Better now then later. I can understand him wanting to find the “right moment” to pop the question. If you are telling him you need to be married or agreed on marring before you discuss purchasing the house the decision to ask you to marry him is conditional. He may want to ask you out of love and this clouds that for him.


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## *Aceso* (Oct 25, 2008)

As long as he is willing to go and talk to someone you are on the way to getting somewhere. Maybe he has an issue with marriage in general and not only marriage to you.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

if you were getin on so well before, is there a need to force the issue of marriage. as you said your tension has increased.
dont try and fix what isnt broken.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Amplexor said:


> You are not going in circles and you are not doing anything wrong. You have discussed couples therapy and that is the right thing to do. Good for you. Before entering into marriage you need to both be on the same beam. Help him to discover whey he is hesitating at this time. Better now then later. I can understand him wanting to find the “right moment” to pop the question. If you are telling him you need to be married or agreed on marring before you discuss purchasing the house the decision to ask you to marry him is conditional. He may want to ask you out of love and this clouds that for him.



:iagree:

draconis


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I think you two have had enough time to know if marriage is the right thing for the two of you. Especially if you have lived together for two years.

However, it is a good idea to address the concerns in couples counseling.

If he does not really want to get married, then you need to know that. If he is searching for the "moment" to pop the question, tell him the moment is fast approaching when it won't be possible.

If marriage to him is important to you and he really does not want to marry, then you have to part. Don't waste anymore time.

If, on the other hand, what you are really wanting is a sense that you two are fully committed to each other, you can approach that in the counseling.

If what you are worried about is security for your son, address that too.

If the basis of all of this is finding out proof of his affection for you, spell it out for him.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I saw a show on Dr.Phil like yours. he asked the girl, why would the guy get married when he's getting everything he wants and he doesnt have to commit? Dr.Phil said that when his wife was ready to get married and he wasnt, she kicked him out. told him when he was ready for the commitment he could come back, otherwise he wasnt getting anymore "milk" from her.


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## *Aceso* (Oct 25, 2008)

:lol: Good old Dr Phil.


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## loveandmarriage (Aug 8, 2008)

I have a girlfriend that was living with her husband before they were engaged. He told her that he was not sure if he wanted to get married again. She then told him that she think it is best that they see "what is out there". She had him move out. When he called, she did not always answer the phone. She hung out with friends and got a hobby. He hated not being with her, so he proposed and they have been married for 6 years.

I do agree with Dr. Phil when he asked the girl: "Why would the guy get married when he's getting everything he wants?" Sometimes complacency can be blinding.


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## *Aceso* (Oct 25, 2008)

So true. I stopped doing things for my husband (as he didn't deserve me running around doing everything for him) and for the past few days he has been soooooo good. Making me coffee every morning, taking kids to a fair last night when I had to stay at work....Things he normaly wouldn't do because I was always available. Since I stoped that and made him see that I can live without him he realized that he was taking advantage of my kidness and as my boss says "No one is un-replaceable ....except for you. "


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## dwilson (Oct 29, 2008)

OK.... sorry it has taken me so long to reply. Thank you to everyone who has replied so far. 

First thing I have to say is I am not now or will I ever be a game player. The whole making him move out to win him over thing is not an option for me. I believe the direct approach to be the best. Second Dr. Phil is a quack. Sorry to his fans. 

So... we talked, and talked. And I learned a few things. First of all we really love eachother. Love is still the core of our relationship. The foundation of all our interactions revolves around the respect we have for eachother. Those principles run deep within our relationship. 

Next I learned that like any relationship there is always room for improvement. We have been reading a book one of my married friends had recommended to us. "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. Very quick read. Great for grooming a positive understanding of how to convey love within a relationship. I learned a few things about myself and about my boyfriend. 

Lastly I found the source of the whole why we haven't moved forward in our relationship, and why it bothered me so much. 

We are not immune to the hardship faced by the average American these days. My boyfriend has been feeling very depressed about his lack of finances. He wants very much not only to buy that special ring, but to be able to contribute equally to our finances. (I make more) We still have talking and planning to do in this area. It might sound silly but we're just too darn broke to move forward. 

The real reason all this bothered me so much was I needed him emotionally for so much in my life and I really wanted to know he needed me the same way. I thought marriage was the solution. A way for him to show me that he needed me too. Not the best way to think of things in my opinion. 

Just acknowledging that we have some problems really helped us understand eachother. Half the battle *sigh* Now we're really left with what to do about these things. I'll write again when I know more. Unless someone out there would like to help a young couple out$$$$ :rofl:

Thanks again for listening
Dwilson


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