# Wow......her head just about popped off



## woosaa (Jul 9, 2013)

Hello everyone, 

Well my stbxw calls to talk to our daughter. I was at work and she then proceeds to ask me about Valentine's day. I simply say our D3 and I were invited to dinner with my friend. Holy sh*t she lost it. First thing out her mouth, mind you she has been begging to come back on and off for 3 months, is "d3 is staying with me full time and f*ck u f*ck you yada yada...also I been dating and banging this guy for 4 months" fu*k u" then she hangs up. She later calls to tell me all that stuff she said is not true and out of anger.

My question.....what do I do to avoid this crap especially since I feel this type of drama will effect any future relationships, not to mention 1st thing she does is use our daughter against me? 

We share custody month to month for the time being and we live 10 hours apart.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Brystensmom (Feb 3, 2014)

Im just in the early stages of all this.

But what I can tell you... that certain things are really none of their business at this time.
Keep things short and focused on the kids
thats really all there is to talk about at this point.

When you respond it fuels them.. but i know its hard....


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

woosaa said:


> Hello everyone,
> 
> Well my stbxw calls to talk to our daughter. I was at work and she then proceeds to ask me about Valentine's day. I simply say our D3 and I were invited to dinner with my friend. Holy sh*t she lost it. First thing out her mouth, mind you she has been begging to come back on and off for 3 months, is "d3 is staying with me full time and f*ck u f*ck you yada yada...also I been dating and banging this guy for 4 months" fu*k u" then she hangs up. She later calls to tell me all that stuff she said is not true and out of anger.
> 
> ...


"I'm not ok with profanity."


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Use it as a reminder of why you are not with her.

Do you need to talk to her very often?


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## woosaa (Jul 9, 2013)

indiecat said:


> Use it as a reminder of why you are not with her.
> 
> Do you need to talk to her very often?


No I do not talk to her very often. When I have our daughter she wouldnt call before. She just started to call more and trying to get back with me. This is not the first time she blew up and yes I do use it as fuel and to see she really has not changed. 

The double standard just really bothers me especially when she was the one who cheated and left.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AFPhoenix (Dec 24, 2013)

Treat her like a child. If she throws a tantrum, tell her you're hanging up on her. Easier said than done, just don't get drawn in. My STBXW knows what buttons to push on me. I'm trying to disengage when I see what she's doing. It makes her angrier. Small victories.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

AFPhoenix said:


> Treat her like a child. If she throws a tantrum, tell her you're hanging up on her. Easier said than done, just don't get drawn in. My STBXW knows what buttons to push on me. I'm trying to disengage when I see what she's doing. It makes her angrier. Small victories.


"I don't like where this conversation is headed"

If she persists, hang up.


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## woosaa (Jul 9, 2013)

AFPhoenix said:


> Treat her like a child. If she throws a tantrum, tell her you're hanging up on her. Easier said than done, just don't get drawn in. My STBXW knows what buttons to push on me. I'm trying to disengage when I see what she's doing. It makes her angrier. Small victories.


I def agree. I have been the bigger man this whole time and she certainly tried to suck me in this time. She knows I am going to fight for full time custody and she is quick to use d3 when I reject her time and time again. 

But yes I need to continue to hang up and be neutral. I have tried the mean and nice approach, even the lets coparent approach and nothing works as of yet. Very easy to get sucked in but my head has been clear for quite a while, with that said some sh*t does sting. still.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> f*ck u f*ck you yada yada...also I been dating and banging this guy for 4 months" fu*k u"


Believe it.



> She later calls to tell me all that stuff she said is not true and out of anger.


Don't believe it.


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## woosaa (Jul 9, 2013)

synthetic said:


> Believe it.
> 
> 
> 
> Don't believe it.


I def do believe, she is a snake....it is fine. I guess I am just trying to chime in on the best way to keep from getting sucked in to this crazy girl. I will be going for full custody, but the hot and cold bs is getting old.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

woosaa said:


> I def do believe, she is a snake....it is fine. I guess I am just trying to chime in on the best way to keep from getting sucked in to this crazy girl. I will be going for full custody, but the hot and cold bs is getting old.


Been through a bit of that myself (though not over child custody) and think it's a necessary step of detachment. Without the hot-and-cold, without the bullsh1t and without constantly being reminded of the kind of a$$holes they are, we codependent men would fall into a self-doubt and guilt vortex that often has bad results.

Invite the bullsh1t with open arms. It's helping you sustain your much needed anger.


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## woosaa (Jul 9, 2013)

synthetic said:


> Been through a bit of that myself (though not over child custody) and think it's a necessary step of detachment. Without the hot-and-cold, without the bullsh1t and without constantly being reminded of the kind of a$$holes they are, we codependent men would fall into a self-doubt and guilt vortex that often has bad results.
> 
> Invite the bullsh1t with open arms. It's helping you sustain your much needed anger.


Ohh it is funny because I do not invite it......it just falls right into my lap because she can not hide who she really is. But yes I get what you are saying sythetic. It is who she is and this bs keeps me honest and continue to see her for who she really is....obviously one big reason why I am going full custody without feeling guilty for her. Being the better man is not easy but it is the only thing I can do without being sucked in and her making me justify in her mind the wrongs she has done.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Having an old lady that phucking nuts most make it pretty easy to do that! Lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_

Do you ever think about screwing with her head just to see her bounce off the walls?


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## woosaa (Jul 9, 2013)

the guy said:


> Having an old lady that phucking nuts most make it pretty easy to do that! Lol
> _Posted via Mobile Device_
> 
> Do you ever think about screwing with her head just to see her bounce off the walls?


I dont screw too much with her because I am trying to get full custody. But truthfully I may just be nice to her and damn she takes it as if it is her chance to come back into my life. I also do not screw around too much because I am in the Military and separated still means we are married. If she digs and finds out I date or fool around then she can try to hem me up even though she was the one to cheat and leave. 

Honestly a taste of their own medicine does not work....I see tears so much from this girl and still same bs every damn day with this one...holy Sh*t


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

woosaa said:


> Ohh it is funny because I do not invite it......it just falls right into my lap because she can not hide who she really is. But yes I get what you are saying sythetic. It is who she is and this bs keeps me honest and continue to see her for who she really is....obviously one big reason why I am going full custody without feeling guilty for her. Being the better man is not easy but it is the only thing I can do without being sucked in and her making me justify in her mind the wrongs she has done.


You being completely rational with her, sticking only to business, and not letting her put her emotional hooks into you will do two things:

1. Give you a detached zen that shows she can't manipulate you any longer.

2. It will make it seem she's out of control of her emotions.

Don't take her crap.


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## woosaa (Jul 9, 2013)

helolover said:


> You being completely rational with her, sticking only to business, and not letting her put her emotional hooks into you will do two things:
> 
> 1. Give you a detached zen that shows she can't manipulate you any longer.
> 
> ...


I def agree with this. At this point I see clearly, it is quite baffling and amusing at how she reacts when I am just living my life as a single father/man. And that detached Zen certainly drives her crazy but who gives a sh*t.. not my fault she cannot control herself. But yes I will continue to keep it business only. For example I text today asking about the car in both our names, she starts to be flirty and I just ignore and continue with business. It is what it is at this point, very immature and I see it.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> it is quite baffling and amusing at how she reacts when I am just living my life as a single father/man.


I've seen both sides and both baffled me! I saw her reactionary side when she left me and asked for a divorce and I started living my life. 

She turned the world upside down and made me feel so confused as to why she had left in the first place if she wanted me so badly?!! 

Then a year later I saw her walk into the horizon after aborting my wanted and much anticipated baby without giving a sh1t about anything! 

I used to think maybe this is normal stuff that happens to everyone, and I'm just being a cry-baby about it! Now I know better. Some people are just not worth being understood. It took me the shock of having my baby killed with absolutely no care in the world by her to finally realize what a monster I was dealing with.


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## woosaa (Jul 9, 2013)

synthetic said:


> She turned the world upside down and made me feel so confused as to why she had left in the first place if she wanted me so badly?!!
> .


First im sorry to hear about the abortion. I quoted this specific part because yes it is a mind f**k when they cry and cry about how sorry they are but have zero action. Also I have actually been called a cry baby by her when I simply call her out or continue to value myself.

you know thinking about what you said I am reminded of the stbxw fear of planes and roller coasters. She would sit in a plan completely terrified and I could not understand it. It really is a fear of no control. And wow you can see how much they are unable to control their emotions. The way she acts right now is very similar to those reactions. I understand it to some extend but still crazy how they are.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

Woosa - The two of you have transitioned from a personal relationship to a business relationship, albeit with personal familiarity. Learn the difference and start acting accordingly. 

Radio Silence. Look it up and learn to exercise it. If it doesn't involve the health and welfare of sweet D3 then don't engage.

Google Voice. Get it. Get the app on your phone. Learn to use it well for both screening and the option to record the call. After you've worked with a friend or land line phone to get accustomed to this, provide the number to your ex as your new number. You just "changed phone service providers". Nothing more. Nothing less. None of her business. Now block her number from your actual provider so it looks like a dead number when she rings it. Now if she acts 'the fool' on a Google Voice call you'll have it recorded for the Judge. That's because you will record every call she places to you.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Well I won't try to speak for men, since I'm not one, but women are weird in that they often don't want you but want to think you're spending your life pining for them. It's an extension of the romance novel princess syndrome where the guy pines for the one true love that got away (barf). Both of my hb's exes were like this; hubby number one's first wife left him, called him to tell him she was getting married and she hoped he'd find someone (yeah right), and then went apesh$!t when she find out about me. My current hubby's ex was more subtle; she's nice and low drama but it was obvious to me that while she didn't want to be married to him she liked keeping an emotional place in his life (which 
ended when he met me) and also that he'd not had a relationship last.....this way in her mind she could pretend that it was all because he was secretly pining for her. 
I hope my ex isn't pining for me as I have no interest, and the few women he's brought around I've been nice and welcoming with; frankly he's much easier to deal with when he's getting laid.
As others have already advised just ignore her and keep it business like.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## woosaa (Jul 9, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> Well I won't try to speak for men, since I'm not one, but women are weird in that they often don't want you but want to think you're spending your life pining for them. It's an extension of the romance novel princess syndrome where the guy pines for the one true love that got away (barf). Both of my hb's exes were like this; hubby number one's first wife left him, called him to tell him she was getting married and she hoped he'd find someone (yeah right), and then went apesh$!t when she find out about me. My current hubby's ex was more subtle; she's nice and low drama but it was obvious to me that while she didn't want to be married to him she liked keeping an emotional place in his life (which
> ended when he met me) and also that he'd not had a relationship last.....this way in her mind she could pretend that it was all because he was secretly pining for her.
> I hope my ex isn't pining for me as I have no interest, and the few women he's brought around I've been nice and welcoming with; frankly he's much easier to deal with when he's getting laid.
> As others have already advised just ignore her and keep it business like.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is great insight. I guess it just bothers me with the double standard. It is amusing how the stbxw has a license to fu*k up and not be there for our daughter. Then the one time I say I had dinner with a friend she goes ape sh*t. Really at this point it is funny at times but hopefully will not effect my personal life as time passes......the nerve I tell you
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

woosaa said:


> This is great insight. I guess it just bothers me with the double standard. It is amusing how the stbxw has a license to fu*k up and not be there for our daughter. Then the one time I say I had dinner with a friend she goes ape sh*t. Really at this point it is funny at times but hopefully will not effect my personal life as time passes......the nerve I tell you
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's an ego thing, and from this point forward I'd advise you not to worry about what she's doing or not doing for your daughter, provided your daughter is safe and not being neglected of course. Their relationship is not your issue, it's hers. Besides, the more you get involved the more she'll use it to reel you in, and no quality woman is going to get involved with you if there's any of that going on. Just be the best father you can and let her worry about her end. Kids have a way of growing to and making their own judgments.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

woosaa said:


> This is great insight. I guess it just bothers me with the double standard. It is amusing how the stbxw has a license to fu*k up and not be there for our daughter. Then the one time I say I had dinner with a friend she goes ape sh*t. Really at this point it is funny at times but hopefully will not effect my personal life as time passes......the nerve I tell you
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Arguing about double-standards is a subtle submission.

It puts you in the position of seeking to "convince" her that you are right. This is approval seeking.

She perceives that you have lower value than her as a result.


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## woosaa (Jul 9, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Arguing about double-standards is a subtle submission.
> 
> It puts you in the position of seeking to "convince" her that you are right. This is approval seeking.
> 
> She perceives that you have lower value than her as a result.


I didnt think of this but makes sense. I will call her out here and there, but of course she will assume I am doing worse and try to put me on the guilt trip. Again today she starts texting and saying how it is messed up I am dating someone and bringing d3 around them. Her parents I believe are fueling her assumptions. I will refrain from calling her out and using logic. Just sucks to have someone say sh*t that is not true.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Just tell her it's not her concern; don't make any attempt to justify or explain yourself. That gives her power.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## woosaa (Jul 9, 2013)

Quick question. 

I am going to get with my lawyer tomm or Fri. Do I give this lady a heads up I will serve her to fight for full custody or just let her see it and react like a mad woman?


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## Oldfaithful (Nov 27, 2013)

woosaa said:


> Quick question.
> 
> 
> 
> I am going to get with my lawyer tomm or Fri. Do I give this lady a heads up I will serve her to fight for full custody or just let her see it and react like a mad woman?



I wouldn't tell her. 

From now it should be business only. What you do is none of her business outside of when it affects your daughter. 
If she asks what you did on Valentines day or any other day, the answer is "you are no longer entitled to that information." 
Start hanging up on her when she flips out, use email to communicate as much as possible.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I wouldn't tell her either. A looney like her will interpret it as weakness on your part, and when she gets it and blows up your phone don't discuss anything with her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Oldfaithful (Nov 27, 2013)

From now on don't discuss the divorce with her, that's for your lawyers.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

woosaa said:


> Quick question.
> 
> I am going to get with my lawyer tomm or Fri. Do I give this lady a heads up I will serve her to fight for full custody or just let her see it and react like a mad woman?


Talk less, do more


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## woosaa (Jul 9, 2013)

OK I need some advice or guidance......
The wife served me first while she had our daughter for her month. Since then she kept my daughter an extra month and has been nasty to me. She blocks some phone calls etc. 

I only call my daughter when she is at the parents since this is what the wife told me to do, and I dont mind since she is there a lot. I kept all text in which tge wife is being nasty.

Right now im getting my daughter friday and tge wife says I need to provide itinerary etc in order for me to have her. This ticks me off especially cuz now im getting talked to like I cant take care of my daughter.....

What are everyones thoughts on how to approach. We have a court date next month but the wife told me shes busy so shes going to push the date. I have lots of evidence but WTF
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I can't resist. Itinerary: 5/16 pick up child. 6/16 return child.

Honestly, have you ever had to offer an itinerary before. If not, and there is nothing in any agreement, you could tell her it will be left when you pick up your D, then just don't. That way you would avoid her wrath, or her attempts to block you taking her.


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

woosaa said:


> OK I need some advice or guidance......
> The wife served me first while she had our daughter for her month. Since then she kept my daughter an extra month and has been nasty to me. She blocks some phone calls etc.
> 
> I only call my daughter when she is at the parents since this is what the wife told me to do, and I dont mind since she is there a lot. I kept all text in which tge wife is being nasty.
> ...


Where is your attorney in this? If you don't have one, get one NOW. They handle this kind of BS for you with the opposing party's attorney. 

DO NOT go this alone. you will get hosed.


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## woosaa (Jul 9, 2013)

I do have my attorney involved. I know what the wife is doing and decided to show her I am not scared if she keeps my daughter from me. She is constantly trying to control aspects of my life. I have been dark with her for a while.

Yesterday she text again later and drop off is this friday. She says now I need a court order so she knows I will return her. I quickly replied for her to keep our daughter and when court is complete I will see her.

She did not expect me to not argue and she said she will drop it. Either way this bs she pulls I will not stand for. Before I may conform somewhat because I want to see my daughter. I still do but im not going to let her try to control me. 

Thoughts / experiences?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

Are there divorce papers filed?

Do you have a signed property/custody agreement?

If you don't have an agreement and are waiting for your trial date, It sounds to me you need a "pendente lite" hearing where temporary orders (including custody) are given by the judge before the trial date.


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## woosaa (Jul 9, 2013)

ok need some advice:

We have still not been to court. The ex canceled the last date. We have a court date this week just for temp supp (i have been paying monthly regardless). I went on vaca and said I will call when I get back.

Since then the ex still harasses me. She text and leaves voicemails. I do not entertain her and have only called my daughter thru the grandparents (we speak 4 times a week). I do have a lawyer and have an idea of what I want to do with custody etc.

My irritation right now is coming because she tries anything just to ttry to keep tabs. She use to use my daughter against me but that doesnt work. Now she called my work and my mother as well. She tells my boss I have court this week and then calls my mom playing victim. I have yet to contact the ex because I am still on my vaca and told her i will call when i return. 

What are your thoughts. I dont let her control me and I am not scared any more (using daughter or court). But sh*t she is still trying to use things against me.


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