# Wife is away 4 months for work, having dinner with single men



## Habs Fan (Mar 27, 2015)

I just found this site because something has been bothering me and I would like some feedback and thoughts...

So, my wife just traveled about 1200 miles away for some training for her job. She left a couple weeks ago and will be gone until late July. She spends all day in a classroom with the same group of people, most of which are men. I'm not opposed to her having male friends, she has plenty of them here at home and I don't care. But I know these people. I don't know any of the guys that she spends time with now. Lately she's been going out to dinner one-on-one with some of the (mostly single) guys that she's in training with, sometimes for more than two hours. I feel very uncomfortable with this but I don't know what I should say or do, if anything. Am I just being paranoid or irrational? Should I tell her about my concerns? I don't want her to not have friends while she's there, but at the same time I don't really like this situation.

Some info: We've been married less than a year, I'm 23 and she's 25.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Married less than a year but together how long?
How in love do you feel?
How many sex partners did she have prior to you? 
Did you discuss having cyber sex while she is away?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Habs Fan said:


> I just found this site because something has been bothering me and I would like some feedback and thoughts...
> 
> So, my wife just traveled about 1200 miles away for some training for her job. She left a couple weeks ago and will be gone until late July. She spends all day in a classroom with the same group of people, most of which are men. I'm not opposed to her having male friends, she has plenty of them here at home and I don't care. But I know these people. I don't know any of the guys that she spends time with now. Lately she's been going out to dinner one-on-one with some of the (mostly single) guys that she's in training with, sometimes for more than two hours. I feel very uncomfortable with this but I don't know what I should say or do, if anything. Am I just being paranoid or irrational? Should I tell her about my concerns? I don't want her to not have friends while she's there, but at the same time I don't really like this situation.
> 
> Some info: We've been married less than a year, I'm 23 and she's 25.


Oh boy. Look I have been working in a male-oriented job for nearly all of my working years, and I am 51. I've had lunches and dinners and coffee breaks and slept in tents and shared lodging with men, also company outings and so forth. I never confused a meal or a shared activity for a date. What sort of things do you think are going on in your wife's head while she's working? Do you really think she considers coworkers close friends or potential sexual partners? If you can't trust your spouse maybe you shouldn't be married. 

I understand you feel insecure, but before you go and suggest to your wife that you are thinking about her in this way, putting thoughts into her head that maybe aren't even there and never existed, you should probably seek counseling and focus on gender issues, in particular the right of each and every person to earn a living regardless of gender or race, and, in my opinion, also marital status. 

There is some underlying reason in your own thinking that makes you think this way and wonder about your wife and her ability to handle her life and the people she wants in it (i.e. she chose to marry you) and the people she does not (in the case of coworkers, we have little choice, and sometimes it's even necessary to have a meal or coffee or chat with people who are troublemakers, or those we seek out as allies because we want to know if we can trust them...it's called management of interpersonal relations at work...if you can't do it and aren't free to do it, you might as well waitress or prostitute...or find a rich husband and be happy in a cage with a video monitor on you 24*7 along with a chastity belt and a gps implanted in your ass.) 

You are young and I am being a little bit silly. But please don't feed your insecurities and make your wife's life a living h*ll just when you two have begun your life together. Deal with your insecurities on your own, then if there is any evidence she is cheating on you, you can deal with that separately.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Yep. Be honest with her about your feelings. She'll either allay your fears, or she'll tell you that she's having feelings for some of these men. Either way, you'll know what to do.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

How often will you see each other....if she come to you then I would go to her to keep the flames alive


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Oh boy. Look I have been working in a male-oriented job for nearly all of my working years, and I am 51. I've had lunches and dinners and coffee breaks and *slept in tents and shared lodging with men, *also company outings and so forth.  I never confused a meal or a shared activity for a date. What sort of things do you think are going on in your wife's head while she's working? Do you really think she considers coworkers close friends or potential sexual partners? If you can't trust your spouse maybe you shouldn't be married.
> 
> I understand you feel insecure, but before you go and suggest to your wife that you are thinking about her in this way, putting thoughts into her head that maybe aren't even there and never existed, you should probably seek counseling and focus on gender issues, in particular the right of each and every person to earn a living regardless of gender or race, and, in my opinion, also marital status.
> 
> ...


Amazing! :scratchhead: And your husband never had a problem with you doing this?


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

That seems like a lot of training for a new job. Four months full time in a classroom?? Ugh...

It's not an ideal situation. Can you go visit her? Does she come home on weekends? 

Has she ever given you reason to not trust her loyalty? That situation lends itself well to infidelity. But that said one has to be predisposed to cheating to cheat. If your wife has even a half decent moral compass then you have nothing to worry about. 

Visit. Text. Skype. Talk. Don't let a day go by without speaking. July is coming. Hopefully.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

She either has good boundaries and is trustworthy, or there's little you can do about it until you discover that she doesn't. You can worry yourself sick over nothing. Homemaker has a good perspective on this, IMO.

Early in our relationship, my wife spent two months in Portugal teaching anatomy and massage techniques at a massage therapy school. Not only was she spending all day and dinner with a mixed group of young men and women sharing a villa, some of the time they were naked and touching each other! OMG!! 

However, she has good boundaries, is a professional, and fully trustworthy. I really had no concerns.

I paid a visit at the end of her gig, and got to be a subject for the students to practice on, in particular two attractive young women who worked on me at the same time.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Habs Fan, what kind of profession is she in? Can you go visit during her training to get to know these other guys?


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## DoneWithHurting (Feb 4, 2015)

And I thought I had problems!


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## D.H Mosquito (Jul 22, 2014)

Without being mean this marriage is doomed to failure, a young woman being dined by single men away from home, Do you honestly see her resisting all temptation? can she come home more often? can you visit and can she not move closer to home or change jobs for the both of you?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think this depends on two variables, as others have said:

- How strong her natural boundaries are.

- How strong the intimate bond between you is.

If her boundaries are good and you continue to maintain your bond with regular communication and visits, then there should be no problem.

If there are issues with either of these things, then the closeness that comes with being with people all day every day could threaten your marriage.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

First things first - OP knows about this, so obviously she's talking to him and telling him what's going on. So that's good. She's not hiding it.

Likely, she isn't thinking twice about it, which is not good, but not bad, either.

It's not bad because, well, she's not thinking about it that way.

It's not good because she probably SHOULD be thinking about it that way, in order to protect her marriage.

I think OP's in a tough spot here, because obviously it makes him feel uncomfortable, and it's a long period of time for him to have to feel this way.

His options for dealing with this are few, and he has to use good judgement.

For example, if he politely allays his fears to his wife while she is far far away, this might actually have a negative affect. Because he's not there and she's not seeing him every day, it's very easy to flip even the most positive words into negatives. It goes from zero to "my husband doesn't trust me" in 24 hours. This can lead to her having an "FU" attitude and going out even more with these guys to spite him.

It also has the possibility of having her start thinking about something she might not currently be thinking about. It may not have crossed her mind in the slightest that she might be giving off a wrong vibe to these guys, or that they're barking up the wrong tree.

Conversely, if OP lets her know this is out of his comfort zone now, she may take that as a positive, something that hadn't even occurred to her, and she will cease doing because she hadn't realized.

So basically OP has two options 

- tell her now, in which case she might agree, apologize, and stop going out 1 on 1 with single guys. OR, it might upset her, and she'll continue it out of spite and be upset for the remainder of her time away.

- wait til she gets back to tell her, which has the best chance of her reacting positively, and not doing it again in the future. But this is the hardest on OP, because it'll be some time before he can have this conversation.

That said, only OP knows his wife and which course of action to take - tell her now, or tell her when she's back so that it doesn't happen again. Her personality alone dictates which action OP should take.

At the end of the day, regardless of what OP says or doesn't say, she's either from column A or column B, and there's little he can do about that. You can't change a tiger's stripes, as they say. It's always a good idea to set boundaries in a marriage, but truly, we all know it's not going to prevent somebody from doing something if they want to do it. It only serves to make it a little more difficult, I suppose.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

She is going out to dinner for 2 hours, with single males...

What type of dinners are these?! 


I would say at the very least, it is very poor boundaries on her part. 
At the very worst, she is setting herself up for multiple affairs.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> That seems like a lot of training for a new job. Four months full time in a classroom?? Ugh...
> 
> It's not an ideal situation. Can you go visit her? Does she come home on weekends?
> 
> ...


:iagree:
That is a long time for training.:scratchhead::scratchhead:
Can you confirm this?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Unless she is in the military in my opinion this doesn't pass the smell test.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> I'm not opposed to her having male friends, she has plenty of them here at home and I don't care.


That's the surest way of losing every woman you'll ever meet in life.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

OP, 4 months is a looong time to be away. Did you not consider you or her traveling to visit each other?

A 1200 mile flight means easily a weekend visit easily possible. Fly friday back on Sunday. In fact I'm shocked her company is not providing spousal visit or a break in the middle for something so long.

When I was married I spoke to my wife every morning and every night via phone or skype when traveling for work. Make sure at a minimum this is occurring.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

Broken at 20 said:


> She is going out to dinner for 2 hours, with single males...
> 
> What type of dinners are these?!


Dinners at the company's expense. They tend to be longer, more lavish and with a better quality wine than they would be on your own credit card.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

synthetic said:


> That's the surest way of losing every woman you'll ever meet in life.


And TAM finds it's usual gear. I thought there had been too many rational messages in this thread.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

WonkyNinja said:


> And TAM finds it's usual gear. I thought there had been too many rational messages in this thread.


Depending on context there is absolute truth to this. If OP's wife is in a career that travels a lot then boundaries and protections need to be in place.

I've been an expat for 6 years living in Asia. I've seen even the tightest couples have issues from too much separation.


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## Eyvonne (Mar 23, 2015)

jdawg2015 said:


> Depending on context there is absolute truth to this. If OP's wife is in a career that travels a lot then boundaries and protections need to be in place.
> 
> I've been an expat for 6 years living in Asia. I've seen even the tightest couples have issues from too much separation.


If you have read any of my posts reguarding my disaster of a marriage, then you know that I am probably far too trusting by nature. 
However, why would you ever marry a woman you didn't trust to be faithful to you? How could you possibly hope for a life long relationship if you never trusted her to keep her vows in the first place? 
I know that there are a lot of men AND women who have trust issues, but I cannot imagine any relationship working in the long run if one spouse automatically assumes that the other spouse will cheat just because they are in a distant city for work and happen to have dinner with co-workers rather than eat alone every night.
I know, from talking to my friends and reletives, that many people find it unusual that I have never cheated on any one of my previous boyfriends, or on my (completely untrustworthy) husband, but I just don't understand why a man would even consider marrying a woman who he doesn't trust. Jmo.
Evie


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Habs I hope you are in contact with her everyday.
Do you have any chance to go out and see her?
Overall how was the relationship before she left?


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## Sandie (Mar 31, 2015)

Its scary to think that just because a person spends a lot of time with opposite sex genders that they will be prone to cheat.

I don't even think that's true although if you have aperson who say, is tempted anyway then sure they'll be more apt to stray in such a situation but on the otherhand a person who is of high moral character they won't stray even if you the opportunity arises.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

If she is going out on one on one dates with men, then that demonstrates that she does not have good boundaries, period

People who lack good boundaries cannot be trusted. OP you should visit her as often as possible. Tell her you want the one on one dinners and lunches to stop immediately. If she can't find a suitable group to go eat with then she can spend some evenings alone with takeout and a movie and a nice phone on with you.

And if she has trouble agreeing to that then I would not make many long term plans with her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

OP you're going to get a LOT of advice on this - both positive and negative.

It's something that none of us can actually HAVE an opinion on, though. We can give our personal takes, but none of them are YOUR relationship.

Just my take here, but if I were you, I would have a completely open, totally straightforward conversation with her and tell her exactly what you've told us. No hiding anything - even the feelings of insecutiry.

Then and only then can you BEGIN to see what sort of reaction you should have.

We can all tell our experiences, but they really don't apply to your situation. Open, honest communication with her will do that - either way.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

nuclearnightmare said:


> If she is going out on one on one dates with men, then that demonstrates that she does not have good boundaries, period
> 
> People who lack good boundaries cannot be trusted. OP you should visit her as often as possible. Tell her you want the one on one dinners and lunches to stop immediately. If she can't find a suitable group to go eat with then she can spend some evenings alone with takeout and a movie and a nice phone on with you.
> 
> ...


She's not going out on dates, she's going out for dinner with the colleagues that she is in training with. That's completely different. If he doesn't trust her then that's a whole other matter.

I don't get the 4 months away for training without visits home or visits from family. I've never heard of a company, the military excepted, that expects their people to be away from home on training for 4 months. There must be an awful lot to learn unless it's OJT.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Habs if you could give us some more detail and in general if you are comfortable with it, what field she is in.
Hope you are still around.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

WonkyNinja said:


> She's not going out on dates, she's going out for dinner with the colleagues that she is in training with. That's completely different. If he doesn't trust her then that's a whole other matter.
> 
> I don't get the 4 months away for training without visits home or visits from family. I've never heard of a company, the military excepted, that expects their people to be away from home on training for 4 months. There must be an awful lot to learn unless it's OJT.


I agree. Can't imagine any job. CIA??

Hab hasn't come back since initial post 4 days ago. Not sure he's coming back.

Go Bruins
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> I agree. Can't imagine any job. CIA??
> 
> Hab hasn't come back since initial post 4 days ago. Not sure he's coming back.
> 
> ...


You mean


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

Wonkyninja

No one in training is required to go to dinner one on one with opposite sex colleagues. A spouse with good marital boundaries si.ply doesn't do that
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

nuclearnightmare said:


> Wonkyninja
> 
> No one in training is required to go to dinner one on one with opposite sex colleagues. A spouse with good marital boundaries si.ply doesn't do that
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Was she going as a group or one on one???
:scratchhead:


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

One on one with mostly guys.

Open to interpretation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

How would she react to your having 2 hour dinners regularly with females she doesn't know?

Therein lies your answer.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> I agree. Can't imagine any job. CIA??
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wouldn't that be "I'm going away, can't tell you what for, can't tell you where, can't tell you when I'll be back. You can leave me messages at 1-800-SPY-VOICE".


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

nuclearnightmare said:


> Wonkyninja
> 
> No one in training is required to go to dinner one on one with opposite sex colleagues. A spouse with good marital boundaries si.ply doesn't do that
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Correct, you're not required to, but it's the polite thing to do and shutting yourself off from the rest of your colleagues doesn't help you later on with your job. 

For spouses with a good marital foundation it's a non-issue.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Sandie said:


> Its scary to think that just because a person spends a lot of time with opposite sex genders that they will be prone to cheat.
> 
> I don't even think that's true although if you have aperson who say, is tempted anyway then sure they'll be more apt to stray in such a situation but on the otherhand a person who is of high moral character they won't stray even if you the opportunity arises.


Because at month 1 things are ok. By month 3 and the contact back home tapers and then opportunity and temptation that may never have been there presents itself. Add in a romantic dinner setting (yes, these are the kinds of places you end up at when expensing meals) with afew glass of wine and it goes from there... 

I've seen it many times.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> One on one with mostly guys.
> 
> Open to interpretation.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:
Not cool.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

WonkyNinja said:


> Correct, you're not required to, but it's the polite thing to do and shutting yourself off from the rest of your colleagues doesn't help you later on with your job.
> 
> For spouses with a good marital foundation it's a non-issue.


This I don't agree with. Group is ok. 1:1 then absolutely not.

I work with vendors and sales people from across the world. Not one time did I have to be at dinner with them. Not once. And we are talking a LOT of chances.

Female sales women know a low cut blouse etc and the right skirt may get the deal done. No thank you. Too much work finding a good woman to waste on some fling with a sales woman willing to do whatever it takes to get ahead.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

jdawg2015 said:


> This I don't agree with. Group is ok. 1:1 then absolutely not.
> 
> I work with vendors and sales people from across the world. Not one time did I have to be at dinner with them. Not once. And we are talking a LOT of chances.
> 
> Female sales women know a low cut blouse etc and the right skirt may get the deal done. No thank you. Too much work finding a good woman to waste on some fling with a sales woman willing to do whatever it takes to get ahead.


:iagree::iagree:
Group/professional setting is okay.
One on one personal dinner dates no way.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Female sales women know a low cut blouse etc and the right skirt may get the deal done. No thank you. Too much work finding a good woman to waste on some fling with a sales woman willing to do whatever it takes to get ahead.
Well...
Take it easy there:lol:
Kidding
Maybe.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

tom67 said:


> :iagree::iagree:
> Group/professional setting is okay.
> One on one personal dinner dates no way.


 When I travel for business there are often several of us.. men and women. There have been plenty of times that I've had dinner with just one of the guys on the team. We have either eaten in the hotel restaurant or walked to a nearly restaurant.

Absolutely nothing going on expect dinner and talk about work, the weather, politics, and other safe subjects.

It's ridiculous that if two people eat dinner together it's viewed as a date.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Sigh....

I dunno...


I just don't know....


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

jdawg2015 said:


> This I don't agree with. Group is ok. 1:1 then absolutely not.
> 
> I work with vendors and sales people from across the world. Not one time did I have to be at dinner with them. Not once. And we are talking a LOT of chances.
> 
> Female sales women know a low cut blouse etc and the right skirt may get the deal done. No thank you. Too much work finding a good woman to waste on some fling with a sales woman willing to do whatever it takes to get ahead.


Then finish dinner, say "Thank you, I enjoyed dinner" and "I'll see you in the meeting tomorrow" and don't have a fling. Honestly, it is that simple. It takes two to have a fling. 

I must be in the wrong industry as I've never had vendors throw themselves at me, but since it's very male dominated that is not a bad thing.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

WonkyNinja said:


> Then finish dinner, say "Thank you, I enjoyed dinner" and "I'll see you in the meeting tomorrow" and don't have a fling. Honestly, it is that simple. It takes two to have a fling.
> 
> I must be in the wrong industry as I've never had vendors throw themselves at me, but since it's very male dominated that is not a bad thing.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:
If this is the case.
MORE info needed.


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## Pollo (Oct 17, 2014)

OP, don't listen to these people that say you're overreacting. 
It doesn't matter if there's a threat of infidelity or not, it's completely natural that you don't want your wife spending 1 on 1 time with other men, no matter who they are.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Pollo said:


> OP, don't listen to these people that say you're overreacting.
> It doesn't matter if there's a threat of infidelity or not, it's completely natural that you don't want your wife spending 1 on 1 time with other men, no matter who they are.


:iagree:

I've seen so much shenanigans in this kind of scenario that I'd have MAJOR issues with it.

Just don't go there is all I would recommend if your marriage really matters to you.


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## knightRider (Dec 31, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> When I travel for business there are often several of us.. men and women. There have been plenty of times that I've had dinner with just one of the guys on the team. We have either eaten in the hotel restaurant or walked to a nearly restaurant.
> 
> Absolutely nothing going on expect dinner and talk about work, the weather, politics, and other safe subjects.
> 
> It's ridiculous that if two people eat dinner together it's viewed as a date.


I would feel very uncomfortable if my wife had dinner with another man. Infact, I have boundaries in place for this. I know what many men are like and once a few drinks are added to the "1 to 1", who knows where things will go. Same goes for me. I would not have dinner with a female colleague.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

As someone suggested, your W is open about eating dinner with her co-trainee. She needs to keep that up. The concern is when she becomes elusive and distant. The best way to curtail any activity other than dinner and idle chit chat is keep in constant communication with your W. This day in age we have Skype, phone, text and simply sending a letter to the place she is in training. Florist deliver flowers all over the world. Do not be overboard with the communication but be consistent and really care for what her answer is to "how was your day".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Eyvonne said:


> However, why would you ever marry a woman you didn't trust to be faithful to you? How could you possibly hope for a life long relationship if you never trusted her to keep her vows in the first place?


I don't think OP ever expressed his concern that his wife was going to cheat on him. He's expressing his concerns over boundaries, which he's completely justified in doing, I might add.

Consider that he absolutely completely 100% trusts her. Does that, by extension, mean that he has to trust the men she's having dinner with? That they're not going to put something in her drink? That they're not going to pour wine down her throat all night and take advantage? That THEY are not having dinner with her simply because there's nobody else to have dinner with?

Say there's 2 or 3 different guys that she has had 1:1 dinners with. At least one of them is thinking it's more than just dinner, guaranteed.

For me, it's about the situations one puts themselves in, often without even realizing it. It by no means indicates that somebody will be unfaithful, obviously, however most people believe they are in control at all times. Until they're not.

In this particular case, we're talking about an extended period of time apart. 4 months is a long time to not be with your spouse except for the occasional weekend here and there. Just like in the workplace, you tend to spend more time with your colleagues than with your spouse. Add to that an extra 2, 3, 4 hours after work, and NO time with your spouse.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

I think the people saying there's nothing wrong with one on one dinners with the opposite sex are ignoring the high potential for connection and attachment building.

In essence, it's always fine... until it isn't.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Good Lord, perhaps the men are just covers for the fling she's having with a female colleague.

Look, paranoia and suspicion and jealousy and all that are run of the mill for us women as many of our current generation and most of the past generation had to deal with men's opportunity to cheat with the secretaries, clerks, waitresses, etc. All while not being tracked by GPS or cell phones or anything like that. Plus of course during wars it was 'understood' that men would naturally satisfy their needs one way or another while overseas or away on duty (roll eyes).

Men, if you are insecure about your wife being out in the workforce or even out in life, get with the program, s*ck it up. That's what women have been doing for ages.

Equality works both ways. Men just need to be more secure, and in ways other than 'securing' the women from ahhhhhhhhh sexual dangers from the much more powerful and skilled male coworkers who will somehow convince her to pull down her panties and let their d*cks in. All while distracting her with....a salad, the bread basket, and who knows whatever tricks they'll pull with a fork and knife to manipulate her mind. Do men really think they have that kind of power over a woman? That's hilarious!!!!!! They must really think that women are attracted to their looks and their proximity, vs. being able to actually love someone, marry them, and only want to have sex with the person they love. 

It's hilarious, but still massively insulting.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Good Lord, perhaps the men are just covers for the fling she's having with a female colleague.
> 
> Look, paranoia and suspicion and jealousy and all that are run of the mill for us women as many of our current generation and most of the past generation had to deal with men's opportunity to cheat with the secretaries, clerks, waitresses, etc. All while not being tracked by GPS or cell phones or anything like that. Plus of course during wars it was 'understood' that men would naturally satisfy their needs one way or another while overseas or away on duty (roll eyes).
> 
> ...


As one who has watched people I'd never ever thing would cheat and let their guard down while traveling out of the country, I would tell ANY couple to never do 1:1 dinners with opposite sex friends.

Slippery slope. So many issues come about from these kinds of dinners I could write a book about it. Oh wait, "Not Just Friends" was already writtne and shows very clearly how the casual dinners escalate into affairs.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> I think the people saying there's nothing wrong with one on one dinners with the opposite sex are ignoring the high potential for connection and attachment building.
> 
> In essence, it's always fine... until it isn't.


:iagree:


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Sandie said:


> Its scary to think that just because a person spends a lot of time with opposite sex genders that they will be prone to cheat.
> 
> I don't even think that's true although if you have aperson who say, is tempted anyway then sure they'll be more apt to stray in such a situation but on the otherhand a person who is of high moral character they won't stray even if you the opportunity arises.


It's the amount of time, away from responsibility, family, committments, etc that actually cause people to let their guard down.

That guy/gal can suddenly look appealing. The book "Not Just Friends" goes into great detail how this happens. Coffee/lunch/dinner frequently with an opposite sex friend means the conversation won't stay on work. Add in any rifts in the marriage. Add in even a tiny bit of attraction from one or the other party and things can go haywire very rapidly. It's practically why TAM exists because of the shenanigans that go on.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> It's hilarious, but still massively insulting.


You've added a sexist tone to the thread none of the men have taken. These sorts of dinners are high risk for anyone, male or female. Why mock a person's concern over higher risk? Because some men cheated this way in the past, men should "suck it up" and accept the risk of women cheating this way today? Doesn't that history of indiscretion when away from their wives you mention actually argue IN FAVOR that this risk *ought* to be avoided? 

She may be fine. Statistics would say she has a higher than average probability of cheating. Just like the businessman who is gone on travel for long periods at a time.

Whether someone accepts that risk is up to them, but individualistic thinking "*my* SO would never do that" is just putting your head in the sand. A lot of people have said the exact same thing. I know. I said it of myself, and I still ended up cheating.

You win someone's heart by having chemistry and spending time with them. That's what happened with your spouse, and it's blind ignorance or supreme arrogance to think it can't happen again with someone else giving the proper ingredients, even despite the best intentions. You know what the secret of having high willpower is? Avoidance. You can't tell the future so you can't possibly know where such a road will lead. The best choice therefore, is to not get on that road on the basis of what *can* and *does* often happen. If your SO/marriage is your top priority, why risk it for some one on one lunches?


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## Eyvonne (Mar 23, 2015)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Good Lord, perhaps the men are just covers for the fling she's having with a female colleague.
> 
> Look, paranoia and suspicion and jealousy and all that are run of the mill for us women as many of our current generation and most of the past generation had to deal with men's opportunity to cheat with the secretaries, clerks, waitresses, etc. All while not being tracked by GPS or cell phones or anything like that. Plus of course during wars it was 'understood' that men would naturally satisfy their needs one way or another while overseas or away on duty (roll eyes).
> 
> ...


THANK YOU! You said what I want to say, but much more skillfully than I could have done!
Sometimes, I honestly believe that the majority of men believe women are incapable of rational though, commitment and self control! What century is this again...?
Evie


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

foolscotton3 said:


> Is it just me, or is that not a rational argument?
> 
> Because women have been insecure for centuries, this poor chap is not allowed to feel insecure in the present?


Four months excluding visits is a recipe for disaster especially newly married they should be going at it like rabbits.
This more than likely will not end well.
I don't care which one is away but one on one lunches/dinners you are playing with fire.


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## Eyvonne (Mar 23, 2015)

alexm said:


> I don't think OP ever expressed his concern that his wife was going to cheat on him. He's expressing his concerns over boundaries, which he's completely justified in doing, I might add.
> 
> Consider that he absolutely completely 100% trusts her. Does that, by extension, mean that he has to trust the men she's having dinner with? That they're not going to put something in her drink? That they're not going to pour wine down her throat all night and take advantage? That THEY are not having dinner with her simply because there's nobody else to have dinner with?
> 
> ...


I found this on another thread, the thread was about "Consent" (of the sexual nature), and had become steered in the direction of how to explain the concept of sexual consent to teenagers who are at the age of interning into sexual exploration. The thread is located in the Ladie's Lounge. 

The quote is by MEM11363:

There are two parts to this conversation - with children. 

How to treat others when you are:
1. The initiator of sexual activity 
And
2. The recipient of sexual attention 

The focus for (1) is decency, fairness and restraint. 

The focus for (2) is safety, situational awareness and a solid understanding of risk factors. (End Quote.)

Perhaps you are not intending to come across this way, and if not I apologize for misunderstanding, however, from what you have written it seems you don't trust that the woman in this thread "learned her lesson", wasn't taught properly by her parents, or isn't sufficiently mature enough to understand/practice "Focus #2", above.

Without previous indication or evidence that she has a tendency to be unfaithful, suggesting any of the above is offensive, to this woman in particular and (if you feel this way regarding all women) all women in general.

I don't see it as being any different than saying, "Any man who thinks he will get away with cheating, will do it.". I would never make that statement, because I realize that it isn't true. Not all men secretly look for opportunities to cheat, many are truthful, faithful and genuine. 

Given, anyone can be deceived (trust me, I know about deception!), but I refuse to allow one instance where I was fooled by a bad man leave me mistrustful of all men for the rest of my life; as numerous posters have said, my own situation is *Extreamly Bizzare* (to the point where some don't even believe me). Of all the relationships I have had, he was the only man who was ever abusive to me, so I cannot believe that men like my H are an every day danger.

Now, if the OP *DID* have evidence, or even reasonable suspicion, that his wife leans towards unfaithfulness, then I would TOTALLY agree with you that serious boundaries need to be in place.

That doesn't seem to be the case though, and if it isn't then the OP's wife is going to feel that her H doesn't trust her when he demands that she never be alone with any other man than himself (unless she is Arabic and/or Islamic where it is the cultural norm). She will feel that he doesn't trust either her fidelity or her judgement and that is going to lead to resentment.

No woman wants to be married to "Jack Jack Pumpkin Eater" from our childhood nursery rhymes...

Evie


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Why would your wife choose her job over her marriage>

If i told my old lady i was going away for work for 1/4 of the year she would hace grapped the nearest fire arm in the house and shot me in the @ss and then packed all my shyt up and throw it at me.

Who the phuck pulls that kind of shyt?

My advice to you kid is go out and enjoy your self and stop letting someone you have no control over control you. I'm not sating go out and get laid...but go out and live your life....you screwed up and you married a chick that find her job more important then you.

When she gets back see how things go ...but if you think you can say anything to her about what ever ...then forget about it. Wish her well tell her you can't wait to see her, and get on with your own life until July.

Until then live your life and hope you guys can reconnect when she gets back....but please don't sit around thinking about her while you waste away...that's no way to live.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Eyvonne said:


> Perhaps you are not intending to come across this way, and if not I apologize for misunderstanding, however, from what you have written it seems you don't trust that the woman in this thread "learned her lesson", wasn't taught properly by her parents, or isn't sufficiently mature enough to understand/practice "Focus #2", above.
> 
> Without previous indication or evidence that she has a tendency to be unfaithful, suggesting any of the above is offensive, to this woman in particular and (if you feel this way regarding all women) all women in general.
> 
> ...



I'm having a hard time seeing how this has anything to do with female vs. male, or anything otherwise deemed sexist.

I think you are making the assumption that my, and others, advice here is based solely on the fact that she's a woman.

You couldn't be further from the truth, imo. I know I feel the same way whether this is the husband talking about the wife, the wife talking about the husband, two men in a relationship, or two women in a relationship. I don't believe anybody else is basing their response solely on the fact that the person in question is a woman, either.

The fact is - and it IS a fact - that this situation is dangerous for anyone, man or woman.

We have a number of reputable contributors to this site who found themselves on the wrong side of this type of scenario, and THEY were the ones who did the cheating. They've all said the same thing - they never in a million years thought they were capable.

So to me, this type of scenario isn't so much about trust, as it is about hoping our partners don't put themselves in scenarios in which there could be temptation, not to mention scenarios (like this one) that the vast majority of people tend to find as boundary-breaking.

I trust myself, and my wife trusts me (and vice versa). If I were away from her for several months, she would not be comfortable with me going out with single women, alone, especially doing things that are generally reserved for my wife in this regard. It is normal and natural, and quite frankly, healthy, to feel this way. I would WANT my wife to feel this way, and would wonder why she didn't.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

alexm said:


> I'm having a hard time seeing how this has anything to do with female vs. male, or anything otherwise deemed sexist.
> 
> I think you are making the assumption that my, and others, advice here is based solely on the fact that she's a woman.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Eyvonne (Mar 23, 2015)

the guy said:


> Why would your wife choose her job over her marriage>
> 
> If i told my old lady i was going away for work for 1/4 of the year she would hace grapped the nearest fire arm in the house and shot me in the @ss and then packed all my shyt up and throw it at me.
> 
> ...


Different strokes for different folks, as the saying goes. Here is the south, most particularly in Louisiana and Texes, a rather large proportion of husbands (and to, not much, a lesser degree the wives) travel 1/2 the year or more -- even more so after Hurricane Katrina! 

Sure, there are still pleanty of couples who say that they just couldn't do it, but when ~90% of the more lucrative jobs involve being away from home, when they are home they are really happy to be there. Some even say that the cycle of amourous parting, 30-90 days of missing each other, and then,getting to be home for the ~the same number of days gone, having the opportunity to spend those days together "catch-up" so to speak  .

Oilfield Workers, Truck Drivers, Comstruction Workers, the list keeps going. My Dad was a consultant in the oil field, generwlly he was gone a month/home a month. When he was home we got to spend a lot of time with him and it was great. When he was gone, we knew we had work to do: school, chores, ect.. Mom miss him when he was gone, but was REALLY happy to see him when he got home. My parents are nearing 70 years old and are still happily married.

Not everybody can do it, it takes a lot of trust in the person you choose to marry.

Evie


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## Eyvonne (Mar 23, 2015)

alexm said:


> I'm having a hard time seeing how this has anything to do with female vs. male, or anything otherwise deemed sexist.
> 
> I think you are making the assumption that my, and others, advice here is based solely on the fact that she's a woman.
> 
> ...


Wjat is this? Elementary School where we have to be seperated at recess for fear that little Amy might life innocently life her skirt and little Tommy toughes her pee-pee.
Regardless of gender one adult telling another adult (married, dating, whatever) that they are no longer allowed to be friends with, have coffee with, eat lunch with....HALF OF THE POPULATION OF THE PLANET...now, that (imo) is insulting to any person who claims to be a normal adult human being. And why? Because you would be afraid it might lead to an affair? Again, this is the person you love right?

Evie


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Eyvonne said:


> Different strokes for different folks, as the saying goes. Here is the south, most particularly in Louisiana and Texes, a rather large proportion of husbands (and to, not much, a lesser degree the wives) travel 1/2 the year or more -- even more so after Hurricane Katrina!
> 
> Sure, there are still pleanty of couples who say that they just couldn't do it, but when ~90% of the more lucrative jobs involve being away from home, when they are home they are really happy to be there. Some even say that the cycle of amourous parting, 30-90 days of missing each other, and then,getting to be home for the ~the same number of days gone, having the opportunity to spend those days together "catch-up" so to speak  .
> 
> ...


Ya I get it I did a lot of traveling when I was single but even in construction I was able to stay home and pick the work close to home when I got hitched...and especially when the kids came along.

It's just my world...I guess

Not that it matters, even when I was working close to home (hell I even had a home office were I did all my administration work, bidding, and plan review) my old lady still screwed around on me.

I guess my point is if OP's old lady is screwing around she could just as easly do working close to home as she could working away from home.

We will just have to see how this all pans out when she gets back home. It will go either two ways..." ILYBNILWY" or "god I missed you now phuck my brains out".


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

It's not a question of allowing vs. Not allowing. 

It's a question of one spouse having boundaries, and the other spouse respecting those boundaries. 

OP here is uncomfortable with spouse having one on one dinners with the opposite sex, while so far from home. Not an unreasonable feeling. 

Does the spouse respect OP's feelings? I guess we will see.

It's not always an indictment about lack of trust. These coworkers heretofore were strangers to the spouse. Spouse could have the noblest of intentions, but one of these strangers could get aggressive after an extra drink or two.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

foolscotton3 said:


> For fvck sake, next thing you know we'll all be arguing whether its OK if we share a tent with somebody of the opposite sex.


LOL it's funny that you post this. I think someone made that very argument recently. Can't find where though.

Well, now it's been 8-9 days since OP posted. I think we care about all this more than he does.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

S


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> find a rich husband and be happy in a cage with a video monitor on you 24*7 along with a chastity belt and a gps implanted in your ass.


:rofl:


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Now that chastity belt is the best idea yet.

But that GPS butt plug is right up my ally.

It's like double protection in keeping my old lady in line.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Eyvonne said:


> Wjat is this? Elementary School where we have to be seperated at recess for fear that little Amy might life innocently life her skirt and little Tommy toughes her pee-pee.
> 
> *People have to work together, and occasionally see each other outside of the workplace in group situations (retirement parties, trade shows, whatever). Nobody's suggesting opposite sexes be separated.
> 
> ...


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Eyvonne said:


> Wjat is this? Elementary School where we have to be seperated at recess for fear that little Amy might life innocently life her skirt and little Tommy toughes her pee-pee.
> Regardless of gender one adult telling another adult (married, dating, whatever) that they are no longer allowed to be friends with, have coffee with, eat lunch with....HALF OF THE POPULATION OF THE PLANET...now, that (imo) is insulting to any person who claims to be a normal adult human being. And why? Because you would be afraid it might lead to an affair? Again, this is the person you love right?
> 
> Evie


Don't forget Evie that marriage is a voluntary bond of two people and each of their boundaries must be respected. If one's boundaries are markedly different from the other's than perhaps the union is not a wise one. I, for one, would have a problem with my wife having a one on one dinner with another man. She knows this and respects my boundaries. She also would have a problem with me having a similar encounter with another woman. This makes us compatible, at least in that particular respect.

If you found out your significant other was lying in a bed with another man/woman would you have a problem with it? What if he/she assured you that it was completely innocent and that they were just both tired after a long conference and his/her room was being cleaned at the time. Would you have a problem with it? After all, you trust them right? See, everyone has different boundaries. Each person's boundaries are personal to him or her and they should be respected regardless of your feelings about them. It is not up to you or me to decide whether someone's boundaries have validity or not. We can either choose to accept them or leave. We each have a choice to accept other's boundaries and to enforce our own. And when it comes right down to it that is what marriage really is isn't it?


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## Eyvonne (Mar 23, 2015)

bfree said:


> Don't forget Evie that marriage is a voluntary bond of two people and each of their boundaries must be respected. If one's boundaries are markedly different from the other's than perhaps the union is not a wise one. I, for one, would have a problem with my wife having a one on one dinner with another man. She knows this and respects my boundaries. She also would have a problem with me having a similar encounter with another woman. This makes us compatible, at least in that particular respect.
> 
> If you found out your significant other was lying in a bed with another man/woman would you have a problem with it? What if he/she assured you that it was completely innocent and that they were just both tired after a long conference and his/her room was being cleaned at the time. Would you have a problem with it? After all, you trust them right? See, everyone has different boundaries. Each person's boundaries are personal to him or her and they should be respected regardless of your feelings about them. It is not up to you or me to decide whether someone's boundaries have validity or not. We can either choose to accept them or leave. We each have a choice to accept other's boundaries and to enforce our own. And when it comes right down to it that is what marriage really is isn't it?


Yes, it is a voluntary bond, and the OP married his wife knowing she was going into this field of work. 

I am not even responding to the "in bed together being alright or not" for two reasons: 1) that isn't what this thread was about, and 2) we are talking about a woman having dinner with a co-worker while staying in a foreign country and you are taking that to "two people being in bed together". I think that, since that is where your mind takes you on this, for me that ends the possibility of a logical discussion in this case.
Perhaps the OP (and yourself if you are still single) can find a a woman comfortable living under Sharia Law, that would an acceptable solution, yea?
Evie


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## Eyvonne (Mar 23, 2015)

foolscotton3 said:


> Sharia Law?
> Hon, if you wanna start and endless debate on TAM, you gotta quote Ephesians 5:22.


No, Hon, you won't find me quoting Biblical passages to support my interactions in the real world, ty. I grew up in an Bi-Religeous home (Mother Jewish, Father Catholic); respect, trust and transparency are not dependent on one being a follower of any particular religon. I know Atheists who have good, honest, fulfilling marriages and family life.
However, if you are looking for a wife who is willing to allow you to treat her like a child or a second class citizen, then yes, you probably do need to find a woman who will quote Ephesians for you...
Evie


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Eyvonne said:


> However, if you are looking for a wife who is willing to allow you to treat her like a child or a second class citizen, then yes, you probably do need to find a woman who will quote Ephesians for you...
> Evie


Interesting, people keep saying it isn't about gender, but boy you really want it to be.

She has many male friends, he is okay. 
There are many single males on this 4 month training trip, he is okay.
She goes to dinner with these male*S*, he is okay.
She has one on one dinners with SINGLE men, he is not okay.

I'm still trying to figure out how having one problem makes him insecure and an implied chauvinist. I thought that's how you discovered and resolved problems in a marriage...with communication.

OP: Hey, I do not like you hanging out with single men for 2 hours at dinner. 
Wife: Reassurances yeah or nay.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Eyvonne said:


> Yes, it is a voluntary bond, and the OP married his wife knowing she was going into this field of work.
> 
> I am not even responding to the "in bed together being alright or not" for two reasons: 1) that isn't what this thread was about, and 2) we are talking about a woman having dinner with a co-worker while staying in a foreign country and you are taking that to "two people being in bed together". I think that, since that is where your mind takes you on this, for me that ends the possibility of a logical discussion in this case.
> Perhaps the OP (and yourself if you are still single) can find a a woman comfortable living under Sharia Law, that would an acceptable solution, yea?
> Evie


I was merely using my example to illustrate how different people can have different boundaries and we do not have to agree or even understand them, only respect them. But if your mind takes you from my discussion of communication and respect to Sharia law, you're right in that we have nothing left to discuss on this subject. Have a nice day.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

foolscotton3 said:


> Is it just me, or is that not a rational argument?
> 
> Because women have been insecure for centuries, this poor chap is not allowed to feel insecure in the present?


:iagree:

There is an ignore feature in your profile settings for posters who just go too far.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

foolscotton3 said:


> Do these atheist couples respect each others boundaries, regardless if it requires a little sacrifice to their personal liberties?


Just as much as any other couples do.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

foolscotton3 said:


> Do these atheist couples respect each others boundaries, regardless if it requires a little sacrifice to their personal liberties?


Atheist response: The answer has to do with compatibility. All boundaries, whatever they be, shall be respected. If they cannot be, the relationship ought not be.

If this woman refuses to adhere to his boundary, this man is forced to choose between allowing someone to exceed his personal boundaries or end the relationship. The former is rarely a formula for a good relationship.

For her part, she has a choice between adhering to his boundary or continue to have one on one dinners with men. If she can't respect his boundary, then she should leave the relationship.

Inability to respect each others personal boundaries means the relationship should end because you are incompatible. Let her find a man who doesn't care that she regularly has one on one dinners with men while away from home for long periods. I think she'll find it to be a pretty common boundary.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> You've added a sexist tone to the thread none of the men have taken. These sorts of dinners are high risk for anyone, male or female. Why mock a person's concern over higher risk? Because some men cheated this way in the past, men should "suck it up" and accept the risk of women cheating this way today? Doesn't that history of indiscretion when away from their wives you mention actually argue IN FAVOR that this risk *ought* to be avoided?
> 
> She may be fine. Statistics would say she has a higher than average probability of cheating. Just like the businessman who is gone on travel for long periods at a time.
> 
> ...


I'm not sexist, I'm egalitarian. Cheaters will cheat. The 'book' is an illusion, to make people think that following rules will make it so that they won't cheat. The bottom line is that if someone is going to follow their libido, they will do it regardless of reading a book. If someone is truly interested in having a monogamous relationship or remaining celibate, they will already be aware of their warning signs and take heed. The book is something that gives people hope, that reading it will turn their cheating partner into something that they aren't. And, it gives them a chance to say, well, I tried this 'be all end all resource' and it didn't work, so now I will accept the fact that my partner isn't up to being monogamous, and never had it in the first place, my bad for thinking so. 

If you have a true heart and are truly bonded with someone in your mind, no amount of dinners or dancing or close proximity is going to convince you that you want to get it on with anyone else, regardless of how you feel about that person (brotherly love, sisterly love, admiration of their ass - same sex, opposite sex or whatever gender...) If someone has a partner who did do something like that, they need to think, why am I willing to be with someone who isn't truly bonded to me...and why am I bonded to them????? And also explore whatever differences might exist between them about the link between sex and emotional bonding. For some people, they do not link the two at all, this is a fundamental misunderstanding between two people, they fail to really communicate about what their boundaries are before commitment, and then expect some kind of commitment that the other person doesn't even understand...why blame that other person...it's just the way they are. Get over it. A book won't change them.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> I'm not sexist, I'm egalitarian. Cheaters will cheat.


Not egalitarian enough apparently. People will cheat.



Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> The 'book' is an illusion, to make people think that following rules will make it so that they won't cheat. The bottom line is that if someone is going to follow their libido, they will do it regardless of reading a book. If someone is truly interested in having a monogamous relationship or remaining celibate, they will already be aware of their warning signs and take heed.


The book? Idgaf about a book. I know people. All human beings are capable of cheating given the proper mix of circumstances. There is no person with infinite willpower and righteousness.

If someone is truly interested in having a monogamous relationship, they avoid common pitfalls that have consumed many a person who thought they'd never cheat: Like having one on one dinners with single men while away from home for extensive periods.



Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> The book is something that gives people hope, that reading it will turn their cheating partner into something that they aren't. And, it gives them a chance to say, well, I tried this 'be all end all resource' and it didn't work, so now I will accept the fact that my partner isn't up to being monogamous, and never had it in the first place, my bad for thinking so.



There's that book again. :scratchhead:

I don't care to give people hope. The reality is human beings cheat. We build and lose attachments, often involuntarily or unintentionally. Our lives are complex and many elements are in competition. Many a cheater thought it impossible there would be any scenario in which they'd cheat.

Let me draw an analogy to a diet. Let's say you can't have cake. No amount of love for any other food is going to make you stop wanting cake, even if you can never have that food again if you ever have cake. It will always be there, even if somewhat dormant... awoken only the right set of circumstances.

No diet plan is going to keep you from the cake. No belief in your own will power will keep you from the cake. If you have cake in front of you day in and day out, you will eventually fail. There WILL be a day, a time, a place, where your will power fails and you're swept up with the moment.

The best way to keep you from cake, is the absence of cake. Out of sight, out of mind. Having no opportunity to "slip" other than by deliberate choice in face of significant obstacles. Forcing the decision to be an active, considered choice, rather than a slide of circumstance where one thing led to another. 

"We've been apart for so long, and you know, we were getting distant anyway (they will rationalize)... and then me and John were talking a lot on these trips and we seemed perfect. We have so much chemistry and everything feels effortless and natural. I never wanted this. It just happened."

^that's what it looks like in real life.

Right now, this woman is putting a lot of circumstances that favor cheating together in one room. I can't blame OP for grabbing a fire extinguisher and looking around for the exit.


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## Gitsoms (Apr 7, 2015)

I think that your marriage and ages are too young to endure that kind of challenge at this time. I also think that you need to set boundaries early in your marriage and be honest about how you feel. Your feelings are not necessarily jealousy or paranoia but should be a general concern for any spouse who loves the other partner. If you remain silent now this will become the accepted behaviour and the beginning of an unhealthy relationship.


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## Habs Fan (Mar 27, 2015)

Okay, so I kind of forgot about this and it got way more posts than I would have thought. You guys all had a lot to say and a lot of really good advice and I read every post. I guess I have an update of sorts if anyone around here still cares.

First of all, as some of you guessed, yes she is in the military. I kind of tried to not bring this up in the initial post. She's been in for four years and has to do some training for some gear she will be working on (she's in the electronics field). So no, nothing crazy like the CIA, but this probably clears up some questions, especially about why she's surrounded by men all the time and why there aren't any other women for her to really spend time with. 

So I did in fact talk to my wife about how uncomfortable I felt about these situations and it was a very nice discussion. She told me that since she's in a training command you're pretty much only allowed to hang out with people of the same rank as yourself, and this is strictly enforced. In her class there are no females of the same rank. She explained how she actually took some precautions when going out these guys by 1. informing them she was happily married and it was purely a friendly dinner; 2. she always drove herself and chose the venue, she never let the guys take her anywhere; 3. this ties in to number 2, but she never drank. She's not much of a drinker anyway so I wasn't exactly worried about this. She did come to see how a 1-on-1 dinner could be viewed as a "date" and said she probably wouldn't feel very comfortable if it were the other way around and apologized for her unfairness in that regard. In the end, we agreed to set some boundaries in that neither of us will have these 1-on-1 outings with people of the opposite sex. She said if she wants to go out and get dinner she'll make sure it's in a group setting. It was a good talk, she was very understanding and accommodating to my feelings.

The good news: She's actually flying up tomorrow since she has a long weekend. It's been over a month since she left so I'm very excited and it's going to be awesome. I'm also flying there in June for her birthday (also conveniently over one of her long weekends). I'm also planning on visiting for Fourth of July weekend, a couple weeks before she returns. So we have a lot to look forward to. We text and call and Skype and Facetime every day. We're constantly in touch with each other. Things are going really good. It's just playing the waiting game now. 

In conclusion, go Habs.


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## Habs Fan (Mar 27, 2015)

Okay, so I kind of forgot about this and it got way more posts than I would have thought. You guys all had a lot to say and a lot of really good advice and I read every post. I guess I have an update of sorts if anyone around here still cares.

First of all, as some of you guessed, yes she is in the military. I kind of tried to not bring this up in the initial post. She's been in for four years and has to do some training for some gear she will be working on (she's in the electronics field). So no, nothing crazy like the CIA, but this probably clears up some questions, especially about why she's surrounded by men all the time and why there aren't any other women for her to really spend time with. 

So I did in fact talk to my wife about how uncomfortable I felt about these situations and it was a very nice discussion. She told me that since she's in a training command you're pretty much only allowed to hang out with people of the same rank as yourself, and this is strictly enforced. In her class there are no females of the same rank. She explained how she actually took some precautions when going out these guys by 1. informing them she was happily married and it was purely a friendly dinner; 2. she always drove herself and chose the venue, she never let the guys take her anywhere; 3. this ties in to number 2, but she never drank. She's not much of a drinker anyway so I wasn't exactly worried about this. She did come to see how a 1-on-1 dinner could be viewed as a "date" and said she probably wouldn't feel very comfortable if it were the other way around and apologized for her unfairness in that regard. In the end, we agreed to set some boundaries in that neither of us will have these 1-on-1 outings with people of the opposite sex. She said if she wants to go out and get dinner she'll make sure it's in a group setting. It was a good talk, she was very understanding and accommodating to my feelings.

The good news: She's actually flying up tonight since she has a long weekend. It's been over a month since she left so I'm very excited and it's going to be awesome. I'm also flying there in June for her birthday (also conveniently over one of her long weekends). I'm also planning on visiting for Fourth of July weekend, a couple weeks before she returns. So we have a lot to look forward to. We text and call and Skype and Facetime every day. We're constantly in touch with each other. Things are going really good. It's just playing the waiting game now. 

In conclusion, go Habs.


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