# Husband joined online dating site...



## Russh (Aug 26, 2013)

And I can't get over it....Here is our situation:

My husband and I have been a couple for 6 years and married for 1.5 years of it. We are both 24 so yes we married fairly young. 

I'm not going to lie and say we we in a wonderful place when we got married I wasn't even 100% ready to get married at 22. My husband did push me a little bit because he wanted me to be able to move with him due to his career. I know it's my fault for going through something that didn't feel that right BUT we did love each other. 

Anyway everything was ok last year although I did not see him THAT much as he had to travel away for work for weeks at a time. Then while he was away my Dad passed away and he was able to come straight home and from there travelled back to our hometown. 
During the couple of weeks we were there I did not feel his support at all. To me it seemed like he was was just happy to get out of his work. The night before my Dads FUNERAL I was crying in bed and hubby cuddled me but was initiating sex and I pulled away and a few mins later he said "I think we have intimacy issues..." I didn't respond and pretended to be asleep. The nerve of him and I think I have resented him a little ever since. The weeks after we had gotten home he made no effort to just ask how I was doing. I get he isn't one to express himself but all I wanted was a loving hug or just to ask how I was.

A couple months later I got my 'dream job' which turned out to be a nightmare. I was constantly stressed and I know myself that I wasn't that pleasant to live with and I appologised a few times. I ended up quitting 2 months later and going back to my old job. 

Last year something happened that seemed strange which resulted in me snooping on his phone and I had reason to be suss. He had been sexting some girl from back home and I confronted him about this and made some lame excuse in which I let it slide and said to never ever talk to her again.

Just a couple of months ago I saw she had fb messaged him so I asked him why she was talking to him when he supposedly told her to "**ck off" and he got bad tempered and turned it back on my making me feel bad.

Just after this he went away for work and left his phone at home so I had to check it out. I found he was 'sexting' her and had joined an online dating website and was doing the same with some other girl and pretending he was single etc. 

When he got back I was furious and he didn't even seem that sorry. He used to cry if he had really hurt me but not this time he just stared at me with no expression and wouldn't talk. He couldn't tell me WHY he did it. He had initially joined a dating site ONE month after my Dad has passed. We did make up and promised to do everything we could to make our relationship amazing but it's like the incident has been brushed aside and things are just how they were again.

Ugh sorry for the novel lol....I still can't trust him completely and he was not there for me during the hardest time of my life, instead joined a dating site cos I was not 'happy'. 

Anyway would you stay with him if you were in my place? I am considering leaving him.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

He seems like a serial cheater, do you need more evidence to confront him? What do you want to do?

You can start reading here:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Russh (Aug 26, 2013)

mablenc said:


> He seems like a serial cheater, do you need more evidence to confront him? What do you want to do?
> 
> You can start reading here:
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He has not physically cheated as of yet, he is the kind of person that will do this online or via texting but wouldn't do anything for real...at the moment anyway. I mean it could only be a matter of time until he starts doing it again or actually does cheat.

I want to leave but I do love him and I'm scared I will regret my choice  I am very hurt as he was 'that guy' that would never do something like that but he did


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Russh said:


> He has not physically cheated as of yet, he is the kind of person that will do this online or via texting but wouldn't do anything for real...at the moment anyway. I mean it could only be a matter of time until he starts doing it again or actually does cheat.
> 
> I want to leave but I do love him and I'm scared I will regret my choice  I am very hurt as he was 'that guy' that would never do something like that but he did


Why would you possibly regret leaving a cheater??  Obviously he is NOT "that guy"! And what makes you so sure he hasnt had a physical affair, because he said so? Yeah, cheaters are liars, so dont believe it. 

To answer your question, I would not stay.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Maybe he hasn't cheated yet, but it sounds like you really couldn't know if he did. He has ample opportunity via his job, probably a handful of electronic devices, a plethora of different online messaging and dating services that are easy to conceal, etc. Really it isn't uncommon at all to cheat when the opportunities are so plentiful. For a lot of men, we don't cheat because we love our spouses, but for a lot of boys (notice my use of men vs. boys) they stay on the right side of the cheating line only because of a fear of getting caught. If you take away that fear, then cheating is often inevitable.

I think you both need to get into MC immediately. You have to get him to open up about why he feels a need to seek out other women. In some cases, it might come out that it's a resolvable issue. If he refuses to participate however, I'd say you should consider moving out or asking him to move out to get the message across. If that doesn't quickly inspire him to wake up and do what it takes to save the marriage, then I'd say the next step is to file for divorce. Remember the divorce process typically takes at least a few months in most states, sometimes as long as a year or more, so you both would have plenty of time to reconsider, but starting the process would at least give him that clear-cut wake up call and last chance opportunity to change course.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

It doesn't need to be physical to be cheating. It hurts you just the same. How are you sure he has not physically cheated?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Russh (Aug 26, 2013)

Well I guess I can not be 100% sure he hasn't but honestly I don't see when he could have met up with anyone. Those ladies don't live anywhere near us and during his work travel he is in the middle of nowhere with a lot of men lol. 

I can't imagine how hurt I would be if he actually were physically cheating.....I wish it was easy to just leave but I still love the stupid man!

I appreciate your responses I think I need to make it clear to him that we need to deal with alot of things and if he's not going to participate whole heartedly I'm gone..

Thanks again!


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## Battleworn (Jun 24, 2013)

I would be more concerned about the fact that he wasn't there for you when you were going through tough times. Is that common behavior? Do you feel like he doesn't have your back?

And emotional affairs can be worse than physical. It's different if he just wants some attention from another woman because things aren't going well at home. But if he were to tell you that he loved one of these women? That would be devastating. What you should ask yourself is, will he even try? You can tell him what you want all day, but all he will say is what he wants you to hear. You have to decide for yourself if it's even worth giving him another chance. Rugsweeping leads to nowhere but the sad eventual deterioration of a relationship. Don't let it happen! Put your foot down. If he wants to keep doing it his way instead of y'all doing it together, then you have your answer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Battleworn (Jun 24, 2013)

But if you are willing to work through it, you have to work toward forgiving him. If you can't forgive, him you can't trust him. And if you don't trust him y'all can never move past this!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

yeah an EA is just as bad as a PA, often times worse. And don't underestimate a wayward man's ability and drive to cheat when given ample opportunity. If he is willing to take the risks associated with seeking out women locally and make a public profile online like that, I would actually be surprised if hasn't done the same thing (successfully...) while away at his job. And unless he is working on an oil rig and you are there at the dock dropping him off and waiting to pick him up when he returns, then I would say thhe working mostly with men thing in the middle of nowhere is somewhat irrelevant. It's not hard to get online, cultivate a relationship and then travel 30-60 minutes to see someone, him going to her or her going to him.

But Battleworn is right. It sounds like you've tried to get your point across for a long time now and haven't made any traction, so I think you need to try a new tactic. There has to be consequences for his continued inaction.


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