# In much need of help



## MCDONALD (Mar 8, 2010)

I have been with my husband for 9yrs married 7 and it haas been constant ups and downs. We have 3 children together and while I was pregnant with the girst we got married however by the time number 2 came he started asking if she was his and acting funny. I later found out that he was talking to other girls as well as meeting girls online that lived close by. I of course forgave him for it as I have done previously for sleeping with his ex-girlfriend. The problems just keep getting worse from there! I had our third child premature and had to drive an hour one way to be with him but he would not go. He claimed to be to sick but I would later find him on the computer. So eventually I started snooping and found out he waas talking to another girl calling her his wife and talking about how I am nagging him and never had time for him. I was working 12+ hours a day at the hospital at the time. So we got in a huge fight like always and I left for half the night, returning to be with my kids. So our life has consisted on fighting constantly at one point he held a gun to his head because I was gonna get the kids and leave. He calls home from work now that I stay home all day long. I am expected to wait on him including waking him for work getting his clothes for him and anything he asks for. He in my oppinion has become mean with our kids when he corrects them. Yesterday he threw our 5yr old on the couch side ways causing him to hit his head on a laptop. He threatens to cut them, hit them, and so on as a means of correction. I do not believe in this they are only 5,2,and 1 to start with. He is also very manipulative, he has to control everything and place blame on me. I have been going days without leaving the house or showering with out even realizing it and I stay up late to avoid relations with him because I feel thats all he wants me for other then to be his maid. I've tried to talk to him about it but no luck there. I think constantly about how I should of left in the beginning when I had the chance but I can not bring myself to end it. I can't just leave because I live by my family and they are my safety net. Lately not to much fighting though just exchanging words and going about our business. He is not part of my life other then the demands, sex when I get tierd of hearing it, and living in the same home. I can't help wondering what life would be like without him but at the same time I don't want to hurt him and I know it would. I have no where else to go because I am not aloud to go anywhere or have friends really and I don't want to leave my family that lives here next to me. I don't know if I should just keep going the way I have been or if I should make a stand and if so how I don't have enough guts. I hate confrontation especailly with him!!! He is gone now until friday and he demands that we video chat every night but I am going to try my best to do some soul searching and figure out what to do and how. I just thought I would try to get some advice here because I am totally lost. Thank you for listening it means alot!!!


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

Threatening suicide if you leave is an unacceptable, but mighty powerful, method of control and there will be no easy answers to dealing with this situation as you will know. The only question you should have to ask yourself is if your children deserve to be protected from verbal and/or physical abuse and if you can't protect them, who esle will?

Does anyone else in your/his family know what you are going through? Assuming that deep down he truly cares about his children's happiness and well being, is there someone he looks up to who could talk to him about the impact his behaviour and threats is having/will have on the children directly, remembering also that a depressed and miserable mother often ultimately makes for unhappy children. If there anyone who can convince him that threatening suicide is not the way forward?


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

MCDONALD said:


> Yesterday he threw our 5yr old on the couch side ways causing him to hit his head on a laptop. He threatens to cut them, hit them, and so on as a means of correction. I do not believe in this they are only 5,2,and 1 to start with.


Believe him. He might not do it now, but eventually he will.

A couple weeks ago I told a woman that to ensure her safety, she should call her parents to come pick her up, and not tell her husband that she'd done so. He should just come home from work and find her gone, along with a note that she's left. She didn't listen to that advice, he choked her, and ended up getting arrested. It could have gone worse.

You and your children are in danger if you stay with your husband. You have to get out, and soon. Do not reconcile with him; after you've been gone a couple days, he'll forget all about you anyway and be off having sex with other people.


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## MCDONALD (Mar 8, 2010)

I can't really talk to anyone in my family and his mom stays with us. She doesn't agree with it either but I am so confused that I don't know what to do. He hasn't even been gone on this training thing for his job 24 hours yet but he has called twice and I had to video chat with me a little while ago. The kids have not even asked about him which is good. I am just torn! I don't want regrets and I don't want to hurt anyone. I hate him so much but I love him at the same time, does that make any sense? I wish I could just crawl in a hole and hide!!! Thank you for your responses so far they mean a great deal to me and I am listening. Just need to push the feelings aside somehow.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

The opposite of not wanting to hurt anyone is not wanting anyone to hurt you. Do remember that both are important. 

Presumably his mother sees the way things are between you - what do you think his mother's reaction would be if you said you were thinking of leaving, and what does she think about the suicide threat?


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## MCDONALD (Mar 8, 2010)

His mom is aware that I am thinking of leaving him and she just said I need to listen to my head not my heart. We have a pretty good relationship, she is the only one I can talk to. She has even said that if I do leave him that she wants to stay with me. They are a very close family but she is tired of him giving her a hard time about dating. She has not had a companion in any way for the past 7 years because of how he is about it. I do know I don't want this for my kids and I think I am going to make a stand but I have to be positive and mentally prepared. He will say things like you know I would never hurt you or the kids you are my life or he will turn it around and say how selfish I am and that its always about me. I am just scared, this is my second marriage and I have three kids from that marriage I have to think about as well. I made a big mistake leaving my first husband but I was young and didn't have any business being married to begin with. All I really know is that I am 30 with 6 kids and working on my second divorce already, my life is a reck. Atleast now my tubes are tied and I know not to go down this same old road again. I am also fully aware that I am capable to take care of my kids as well as myself since I have been the one doing it until recently. However finding another job might be difficult because I have not worked for almost a year. My last baby was premature due to stress and then I had issues with post partum pretty bad and could not bare to be away from him besides that I was always late for work due to taking care of my baby all night, trying to go to school for nursing, and fighting with my husband about his online relations which he blamed on me. I have this overwelming feeling that he is up to no good now and though I should not care it is eating me up to know and to have proof. I just keep thinking if I can catch something going on I can use it as my out and I know that is wrong. I've even thought about cheating on him so maybe the attachment I feel would dwindel but I can not lower myself like that. I have even tried to see if my divorce is legit from my first husband because I never paid my court costs and I have even been having thoughts that if he just died everything would be so much better and then I hate myself for thinking and feeling this way. So here I am on day 2 with him being away for work and though I know that I can not take anymore of this when I do talk to him he is sweet and innocent and makes me wonder if I am the problem here and not him. I think I am being mentally abused but I just don't know how to over come it.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

I can see you've been through an awful lot and you've a big decision to make but whilst I can see that him being away is giving you space to think things through on your own, remember that you don't have to make the decision before he comes back. If you do fine, but if not you can still make the decision after he returns too. Again, do let your children's safety, well being and happiness, and your own,(mentally too) be your priority.

Meanwhile if you're really torn a counsellor may be able to help you focus on what is stopping you from moving on and how to prepare yourself. 

With regard to manipulation, I've no personal experiences of this to relate to so I do hope others can give you some insight here.


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## MCDONALD (Mar 8, 2010)

I have sent him a e-mail last night putting everything out there just trying to make sure I've tried everything before I just up and walk away. Alot will change for me and our children if he listens to what I've said to him. If he does not want to listen or change then we will be going our seperate ways. I also admitted my faults of such as not trusting him anymore and all that and explained why, then agreed to try to fix the problem. I know for things to work it has to be both of us that change and work together to make it possible. i have asked him to also send me a e-mail back so that I know his side of things as well. I thank you so very much for listening to me and offering your advice it means the world to me. I will keep you updated when I hear back. This is it either I'm gonna be gone or I'm gonna finally be happy!!!!! Thank you again and I will post soon. It's time for a husband instead of a dream or a new fulfilling life without him.


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