# Really tired of his behavior and this was the last straw.



## petuniasevan (May 31, 2013)

I'll start at the beginning to lay down a background. It was 1985 and I was in the Air Force at technical training school at Sheppard AFB in Wichita Falls TX. I met another young airman in the cafeteria and we started dating. Perhaps I was not thinking or was still too immature to recognize how relationships worked, even in the military. Perhaps it was partly my (then undiagnosed and unrecognized) Asperger Syndrome. But I wanted to be with this man, and traded my base assignment away to go where he was going. I am the one who suggested marriage and he agreed to it. We were married in August 1985 at our base of assignment. In 1988 we both got our honorable discharges and went to Northern California (where I had lived for several years) and tried to make a go of it. We both worked hard when we could find work. 

One night he started an argument and actually walked out to the highway to hitch a ride to nowhere in particular. Nothing that I had done (he even admits that). With trouble I kept him from leaving. Within a couple of years we were so overextended on credit and home loan that we had to file bankruptcy and give up everything. He managed to get trained to be a truck driver, and I worked a menial job under a horrible boss. After he had driven for about 9 months and his company didnt route him home once, I gave up what little we still owned and rode in the truck with him. Yes, we fought at times, and he was and is nastily abusive with curses and insults. More on that later. After 11 months I got out of the truck in Wisconsin and rented an apartment and he went to another company that was local/regional. 

It has been over 20 years since we went through bankruptcy and now he still drives truck locally and I work at a paper company. We make good money and own a house and our credit rating is extremely high. But he only gets worse with his treatment of me. How many of you have spent time to sew a brand new buttonup shirt for your husband and had him rip the placket apart in a rage because he couldn't unbutton it fast enough for his liking, then sneer that he didn't care when I cried out in horror that he was destroying something I made him? And heaven help me when I was a day late paying the electric bill: he screamed and raged at me and told me I was lazy, dirty, a liar and unreliable, and that I deny things. (Telling him the truth about a late-payed bill got me the same treatment as him finding the late statement would!) 

The other day we were lying in bed just woken up by the alarm to get up and go to work. He was actually caressing me which surprised and pleased me. I was enjoying myself for quite a while until he began tickling me. I couldn't get away and I grabbed his hand and squeezed, unfortunately I'd forgotten I'd let my nails grow out a bit and they dug into his knuckles. He jumped up and screamed in rage F YOU over and over... I'm sure he was just doing the usual "set me up for failure" grading system he has. Remember, I am lazy and slovenly and dirty and I constantly embarrass him in public and in front of his friends. I don't deserve gifts for Valentine's Day. In fact, years ago he bought me a beautiful Blue Topaz pendant on a white gold chain. I loved it, and showed it to my mom. She made a comment to the effect that he should talk to her first about jewelry and the best prices, places to buy, etc. Insensitive of her, yes, and he was right to be angry. But he punished ME for it by telling me he'd never buy anything for me ever again. Guess he keeps his promises. 

Lazy and slovenly? I don't think I could hold my job for 13 years now should that be true. I am not however motivated to do much around the house, just maintenance mode. I play video games to escape his toxicity and bullying. He resents this. I work in a noisy environment and have hard-of hearing co-workers. Thus I have a habit of talking a bit louder than normal. He berates me and tells me off. He's like in a permanent "hungover" state where sudden sounds set him off. Wind came up earlier and he was running to the back door exclaiming about someone banging on it. But it's ok for him to scream and rage and threaten in a vicious voice and with utter hatred in his voice (which he denies).

He is now diabetic as well as having diagnosed sleep apnea (untreated for quite a few years). His personality grows more morose by the day. He claims he wants me to be happy but heaven help me if I am actually happy: he'll be sure to put a stop to it. 

Funny how he tells me how he's hurt me in the past but when he has the chance he does so again. The abuser hates the abusee more all the time, perhaps. And his favorite phrase, used to diminish my input and my value, is "I don't care."



At the end of the last argument he told me that we had 2 years 3 months to decide what we were going to do (house will be paid off and it will be 30th wedding anniversary). But of course he has already made his decision and I have failed his grading system. I am just glad we never had kids to see this travesty. 

So now instead of "hey let's plan a special anniversary celebration in 2 years" like a normal married human being would say, instead I have this hanging over my head. 

I would like some sort of idea exactly what is going on here: is he mentally ill? Or just a toxic bully?


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## petuniasevan (May 31, 2013)

Honestly, 130 views and no input? 

I have been reading up on Borderline Personality Disorder and this fits him to a TEE. I even have referred to his anger issues as "crises" that he goes into with increasing frequency.

In my view, he's a fool. He works 3 days a week, I bring in 2/3 the income, we live in a home with water on 3 sides, no kids, almost no debt. One moment he's telling me how important my input is to the relationship and the next he's telling me how I'm just not <fill in the blank> enough and that we are roommates not a couple. Sex is almost nonexistent (and he has informed me that I am not good at it; that he can do better alone). I'm no prize I'm sure but I don't spend money we don't have, I don't cheat, heck I don't even have close friends, and I don't party.


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

I read somewhere about the behavior that your husband displays and I can't remember where it was! But basically, your husband will do this in a pattern, he'll be nice to you then set you up for a fall. I need to find it and show a link.

I'm sure others here know what that disorder or trait is called.

You might want to get yourself a lawyer privately and discuss options. Consider yourself lucky that you do not have any children. There is no reason for anyone to live in a toxic environment.

Have you ever threatened divorce or separation? Some men really need a wake up call, if you want him woken up at all.


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## persephone71 (May 21, 2013)

petuniasevan said:


> Honestly, 130 views and no input?
> 
> I have been reading up on Borderline Personality Disorder and this fits him to a TEE. I even have referred to his anger issues as "crises" that he goes into with increasing frequency.
> 
> In my view, he's a fool. He works 3 days a week, I bring in 2/3 the income, we live in a home with water on 3 sides, no kids, almost no debt. One moment he's telling me how important my input is to the relationship and the next he's telling me how I'm just not <fill in the blank> enough and that we are roommates not a couple. Sex is almost nonexistent (and he has informed me that I am not good at it; that he can do better alone). I'm no prize I'm sure but I don't spend money we don't have, I don't cheat, heck I don't even have close friends, and I don't party.


Agreed!

The mood-swings and immaturity (tickling while attempting to make love) are classic behaviors in BPD and passive agression personality disorder. It also reads as emotional/psychological abuse (the cycles of behavior).

Basically, these men have not grown--mentally--beyond the point of children. Hence, complex emotions and sexuality are usually inappropriate for age.

Also, since he's military have you thought about PTSD? Was he ever deployed? There's TONS of data on PTSD among enlisted.

I do have to agree with others, you can't continue to live like this. Either seek professional help or you will either lose your mind or file divorce.

Best of luck to you!


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

petuniasevan said:


> I have been reading up on Borderline Personality Disorder and this fits him to a TEE.


Petunia, welcome to the TAM forum. If your H really does have strong traits of BPD, you likely would have noticed two traits you don't mention. One is _persistence_ of the traits. BPD symptoms typically do not vanish for very long. During the courtship period, they usually will disappear for a period of 3 to 6 months (or perhaps a year if the relationship is long-distance). 

They disappear then only because the BPDer's infatuation over you will hold his two great fears (abandonment and engulfment) at bay. Yet, as soon as the infatuation evaporates, those two fears return and his BPD traits become evident. I mention the importance of persistence because you seem to imply that there were no red flags or serious problems for at least the first 3 years of your relationship. Is that correct?

The other essential trait -- for a lifetime, strong BPD pattern to exist -- is emotional instability. It typically would be evident in the way a BPDer alternates between pushing you away (i.e., devaluing you) and pulling you back (i.e., loving you). BPDers not only exhibit this recurring push-pull cycle but also are notorious for flipping -- oftentimes in only a few seconds -- between those two states.

I describe both of those basic BPD traits in my post in Maybe's thread at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. I suggest you take a look at it. If that discussion rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you. Meanwhile, I suggest you see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you're dealing with. Take care, Petunia.


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