# His supposed sense of humor...



## DiZ (May 15, 2012)

When I try and set up a romantic scene I usually get shot down by his so called sense of humor. I call it sarcasm.

He is back from being away for a week to his sons wedding.

Things have been good.

Yesterday I said "I wonder if we would of met in our 20's if we would still be married. I am sure we would". Of course this is just a silly thought on my party. Of course if we would of met way back when we would not have the kids we have today.

Of course I wanted him to say oh hon of course we would still be married. Instead he said No we would not be married, you are so hard to live with. He had a smile on his face, I knew he was kidding but I still got the stupid tears in my eyes. I feel like sometimes I am shot down and never get the little romantic experiences with him that I want.

Then he lets it go on and on until I just don't want to be near him anymore.

I have a sense of humor and kid like the next person but sometimes he just takes it too far.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Sometimes people are dense and need to be told in a method they understand that their words are causing pain. Have you explained to him how you feel?

If you have, I'd just walk away when he does it. Don't take it and take it until you don't want to be near him any more. Just walk away. He'll get the hint.


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## DiZ (May 15, 2012)

Acorn said:


> Sometimes people are dense and need to be told in a method they understand that their words are causing pain. Have you explained to him how you feel?
> 
> If you have, I'd just walk away when he does it. Don't take it and take it until you don't want to be near him any more. Just walk away. He'll get the hint.


Will do.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> Instead he said No we would not be married, you are so hard to live with. He had a smile on his face, I knew he was kidding but I still got the stupid tears in my eyes. I feel like sometimes I am shot down and never get the little romantic experiences with him that I want.


 I would feel "hurt" by that response too and likely go punch him and say ..."why do you talk to me like this"...even with the tears in your eyes , call him on it --let him know it HURTS YOU... so he will change his behavior.

Or like Acorn said...if you have already done this, explained it to him and HE does KNOW how you feel... like he suggested.... walk away, get away from him, silence and being left ought to speak pretty nicely, realizing his humor is so bad, his audiance left the building! Some do have thick skulls I guess.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I'm a sarcastic guy (those who know me here will attest to this)

but I am cognizant (well most of the time) of when it is appropriate to make such comments

if he is using caustic jokes all the time in vulnerable situations then is most certainly trying to deflect and prevent his true emotions from being revealed


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

Heed the wise Turtle's advice.

I too have a "romantically challenged" husband and it drives me crazy. He doesn't share his feelings much, however, if his feelings are negative or involve teasing me, he can't keep his yapper shut.

We are married to grown men, unfortunately, they seem stuck in elementary school where if they liked a girl, they would pull their hair or drop a frog in our backpack. Oh, and I think they still believe we have cooties.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I still have a supply of anti-girl germ spray, just in case


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> I still have a supply of anti-girl germ spray, just in case


Of course you do! But I think your spray expired back in the 70's.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The best and most effective thing to do when someone does that is say "Ouch!" and turn on your heels and walk away. But make sure you say 'ouch.' Nothing conveys 'you're a rude SOB' like that word.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I think it has a lot to do with whether you think he's telling you his "real" opinion or not. I wouldn't be bothered by that comment coming from my husband because he tells me the opposite all the time - that I'm easy to get along with. 

If he often complained about me being hard to get along with and made that comment, I'd be crushed. I'd recognize that he was not "joking" at all, but instead, wanted to hurt me.


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## DiZ (May 15, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> I think it has a lot to do with whether you think he's telling you his "real" opinion or not. I wouldn't be bothered by that comment coming from my husband because he tells me the opposite all the time - that I'm easy to get along with.
> 
> If he often complained about me being hard to get along with and made that comment, I'd be crushed. I'd recognize that he was not "joking" at all, but instead, wanted to hurt me.


No he is teasing but it still gets to me. I am very easy to get along with, something he tells me but for some reason it really bothered me at that particular time.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Aw, DiZ! 

If you KNOW it's a joke, and that he doesn't really think that, why do you let yourself see it as being "shot down" instead of "he's trying to make me laugh because he likes seeing me happy?"


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Well, having grown up with a teaser (and purposefully married someone who was NOT one), I have had a lot of practice, and I found that a combination of non-chalance and confidence are what disarms them.

You could have replied "OOOhhh... ouch... hope you don't have to find out how hard it might be to live without me then!", smile, and walk confidently away.

...and don't set yourself up. If you are wanting something from him, speak to him directly about it, and don't go about it in a round-about way and then expect him to understand what you're wanting. 

Best wishes.


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## MooseAndSquirrel (Jun 7, 2012)

That is not the way you treat someone you love. Your SO is using "humor" to be mean. The question is, why is he being such an a$$? That is what you need to figure out.


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## DiZ (May 15, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> Aw, DiZ!
> 
> If you KNOW it's a joke, and that he doesn't really think that, why do you let yourself see it as being "shot down" instead of "he's trying to make me laugh because he likes seeing me happy?"



Because after awhile it gets old. If it's done over and over and over.


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## DiZ (May 15, 2012)

Enchantment said:


> Well, having grown up with a teaser (and purposefully married someone who was NOT one), I have had a lot of practice, and I found that a combination of non-chalance and confidence are what disarms them.
> 
> You could have replied "OOOhhh... ouch... hope you don't have to find out how hard it might be to live without me then!", smile, and walk confidently away.
> 
> ...


I do not see it as setting myself up. What is wrong with just starting a conversation? That is setting myself up? If that is true then no one would start any conversations.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

I see this in many relationships around me. One person. male or female, does not matter, is more mature in the romance area, and the other is very adolecent.

I believe it comes down to that they are deflecting their true feelings and never developed a healthy ability to deal with them and instead hide from them behind foolish distractions.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

DiZ said:


> Because after awhile it gets old. If it's done over and over and over.


 Such people are either just generally happy all the time and thus think everything is worthy of a joke...or they are insecure and use jokes to put down and/or control people.

My mom would do things like 'You're kidding, you passed that test? Alert the press!' 

Not funny.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

DiZ said:


> I do not see it as setting myself up. What is wrong with just starting a conversation? That is setting myself up? If that is true then no one would start any conversations.


 She meant if you want something, say so. If you feel something, say so. NOT saying so is setting yourself up for failure and/or heartache. Women are notorious for NOT speaking up and then getting our feelings hurt when the hubby doesn't realize what we wanted.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

DiZ said:


> I do not see it as setting myself up. What is wrong with just starting a conversation? That is setting myself up? If that is true then no one would start any conversations.


I think it was that you said something wanting a particular kind of response. You didn't get it, and your feelings were hurt. You weren't really just starting a conversation, you had a a bit of an agenda.

My husband is a bit like this too. He finds being vulnerable or too romantic really difficult and will often use humour if he feels things are too serious or intense. I have no problem telling him if he's gone too far though. I just say, hey, that hurts my feelings. He's always immediately apologetic and it's only really an issue if I'm feeling vulnerable for some reason. Mostly, I like the joking because I know he'd never say something like that if he really thought it. For example, I know he appreciates how caring and loving I am towards him, so he'll sometimes say, "it's okay. I'm used to your coldness and neglect.". It's his roundabout way of telling me he appreciates me.

I also come out and tell him to say something nice to me, if I need to hear it. He always does.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Lyris said:


> *I think it was that you said something wanting a particular kind of response. You didn't get it, and your feelings were hurt. *You weren't really just starting a conversation, you had a a bit of an agenda.
> 
> My husband is a bit like this too. He finds being vulnerable or too romantic really difficult and will often use humour if he feels things are too serious or intense. I have no problem telling him if he's gone too far though. I just say, hey, that hurts my feelings. He's always immediately apologetic and it's only really an issue if I'm feeling vulnerable for some reason. Mostly, I like the joking because I know he'd never say something like that if he really thought it. For example, I know he appreciates how caring and loving I am towards him, so he'll sometimes say, "it's okay. I'm used to your coldness and neglect.". It's his roundabout way of telling me he appreciates me.
> 
> ...


I think some people get off withholding something that they know you want. Even loved ones.

With my fiance, I've learned to give as well I get. It has been a humbling experience for him. but I do believe that some partners are looking for that sort of feistiness / stimulation.


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## lovejoy (Jun 20, 2012)

That sounds like a familiar problem, I've had experience with a guy who couldn't help being sarcastic or "funny" all the time. I guess partly it is a reaction to conceal true emotions like love and devotion to avoid making oneself vulnerable. The "humor" is in fact a protection, ridiculing in order "not to get ridiculed" - and that's a weakness which lies in character often related to bad experiences, has he ever talked about other relationships which hurt him badly and made him feel inferior or something? I'd definitely ask him why he behaves the way he does. Would be really annoyed myself.


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