# Husband's addiction to online dating sites, now giving out number



## laura1013 (Jun 2, 2014)

Hi all. I come today to post this with a heavy heart. I am currently 9 weeks pregnant and have been with my husband for a year and a half. Since the beginning of my marriage I have struggled with my husband's addiction to porn, dating sites, facebook chats, etc. We went through a bad point in the fall where I threatened to leave him if he did not change. He stayed off everything for a while and our marriage was slowly becoming happy and healthy again. I am not one to easily walk away from a marriage and will give everything to make it work. Besides this, I catch him in small lies and he's financially irresponsible. Otherwise, he is a loving, doting, caring husband. He provides for me, takes care of me when I'm sick, protects me, and tries to make sure I'm always comfortable and happy. I realize though that's not enough when dealing with lies and online dating sites. It's like he has this amazing side, yet his faults overshadow everything.

Today, I find his profile on POF. I just felt in my heart something wasn't right and we had been fighting recently. I found it through his email, hacked into his profile, and saw tons of messages. He has given out his number to at least 10 girls, and tried to meet up with 2. I immediately told him I wanted him to leave, and that I was done. I have never caught him physically cheating on me, but I know that this is the path leading to it if he hasn't already.

Basically, I would just like advice. Give it to me straight, but please don't bash me. I need to know if I should just kick him out and get a divorce, raise this baby on my own, and be done or if he will ever change. At this point I doubt him changing and I'm exhausted from the lies and deception, but I guess I need to hear other points of view. I thank you all in advance.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Hi. I am so sorry he's done this to you. My husband did the same type of thing - you can read my story thru the link in my sig if you like. And yes, I think you should kick him out.

You do realize that the chances he hasn't met up with anyone is small, right? I suggest you get STD tested.

The only way your husband will ever stop this behaviour is if he gets help. You kicking him out might be his 'rock bottom', and he might seek help after you do. But he might not too. You will need to keep that in mind and don't even think about R with him until he's been 'sober' for at least a year and is proving to you that he is truly remorseful. This link explains a lot of the stuff you'll hear about on here:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...e-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html#post430739

Again, I am so sorry he has done this. You deserve way better.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

Put your Profile up on POF. Let him run into that. You will get his attention then. 

Other than that I would start doing 180. Start focusing on reclaiming you and making yourself healtier until you can make a decision on what you want to do. 

Clay


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

laura1013 said:


> Hi all. I come today to post this with a heavy heart. I am currently 9 weeks pregnant and have been with my husband for a year and a half. Since the beginning of my marriage I have struggled with my husband's addiction to porn, dating sites, facebook chats, etc. We went through a bad point in the fall where I threatened to leave him if he did not change. He stayed off everything for a while and our marriage was slowly becoming happy and healthy again. I am not one to easily walk away from a marriage and will give everything to make it work. Besides this, I catch him in small lies and he's financially irresponsible. Otherwise, he is a loving, doting, caring husband. He provides for me, takes care of me when I'm sick, protects me, and tries to make sure I'm always comfortable and happy. I realize though that's not enough when dealing with lies and online dating sites. It's like he has this amazing side, yet his faults overshadow everything.


Yep it’s not enough when the foundation is broken.



laura1013 said:


> Today, I find his profile on POF. I just felt in my heart something wasn't right and we had been fighting recently. I found it through his email, hacked into his profile, and saw tons of messages. He has given out his number to at least 10 girls, and tried to meet up with 2. I immediately told him I wanted him to leave, and that I was done. I have never caught him physically cheating on me, but I know that this is the path leading to it if he hasn't already.


Ya know what I did when I found something similar with my husband? I wrote to each of the women telling them that I’m his wife, he’s lying in his posts, he has children .. etc. I changed his profile to say something like "I'm a lying, cheating married man looking to cheat on my pregnant wife." Then I changed the password and personal info so he could not get back into his account. 

Yea he was not happy about it. He said that he was not sure if he could trust me. My response was that he could trust me. He could trust that I would not put up with him cheating and being on these sites. And he can trust that I will do whatever I can to sabotage that nonsense. 
Yes I ended up divorcing him. But I feel better about myself because I did not just accept it.


laura1013 said:


> Basically, I would just like advice from anyone else in this situation. Give it to me straight, but please don't bash me. I need to know if I should just kick him out and get a divorce, raise this baby on my own, and be done or if he will ever change. At this point I doubt him changing and I'm exhausted from the lies and deception, but I guess I need to hear other points of view. I thank you all in advance.


Generally I believe that most people ought to be given a chance. ONE chance. You gave him a chance. The fact that he did not stop and has escalated to give out his phone number is all you need to know. He’s not going to stop. He has proven that.

My suggestion is that you leave me.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> Hi. I am so sorry he's done this to you. My husband did the same type of thing - you can read my story thru the link in my sig if you like. And yes, I think you should kick him out.
> 
> You do realize that the chances he hasn't met up with anyone is small, right? I suggest you get STD tested.
> 
> ...


STDs are a real issue here. 

Not only can it affect your health but that of your baby. Get tested and stop having sex with him.


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## laura1013 (Jun 2, 2014)

I was just tested last week as part of my prenatal care and everything came back clean. We haven't had sex since the appointment so I'm not too worried. I will of course get tested again in a few months as I realize certain STDs take time to show up.


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## ecotime47 (Apr 3, 2013)

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know you are probably somewhat tired of fighting this battle for your marriage. 

Have you guys ever sought out counseling for his problem? Based on what you have shared, it sounds like he could have a sex addiction. 

Addictive behaviors don't just go away because you remove what seems to be the source of the problem, i.e. the internet. Those behaviors are fueled by unresolved, root issues that could go way back into your husband's past. A good counselor can help your husband identify what his emotional needs are and why he turns to the "false intimacies" of pornography or emotional affairs to fill the void.

I think there is hope to save your marriage but your husband is going to have to be willing to get the right kind of help to really deal with his stuff. If he isn't, you can expect this cycle to continue. I'll be praying for both of you today. Hang in there!


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

laura1013, your husband is an addict. Full blown addiction. I'm not a doctor, but I doubt he will ever change. I know 2 people like this and both have been addicts for well over 30 years. Totally unable to change despite various efforts. 

As heartbreaking as it sounds, my advice is to divorce him unless you are willing to put up with it for the entirely of your marriage.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Laura, you need to be careful. You say you are not one to easily throw away a marriage. But be aware he knows that too. He will give you just enough to try and keep you in his life. He will want his cake and eat it too. So, don't make it easy on him to come back. Kick him out. File for D, it can take a year or more for that to run its course and you can call it off at some point in the future if you want to.

If he says he wants to get back with you, then have some pretty high hurdles in place to ensure he really means it. Make him get into therapy. Start attending addicts meetings. Limit his computer time. Keylog and monitor what little time he gets. 

Get the finances under your control. Not a dime gets spent that you don't know about or approve of. Change his phone. Get him a dumb phone and a new number. Delete any contact data he has, don't let him transfer it to his phone. You can program in any numbers he needs.

Make him sign a post nuptual agreement. Consult a lawyer so you know it will be enforceable. But should he commit adultery, or start sex chatting with other women it becomes enforcable and give you favorable division of assets in the divorce. 

If he is serious, he will accept. If he wants to cake eat, he will balk at these things as being intrusive or extreme. Remind him the alternative is divorce, then stick to your guns. 

The last thing you want is to make it possible for him to come back on only promises. He has already demonstrated his promises are not kept.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

I am not going through it, but would like to offer some advice.

I cant see your husband changing, Not with any help, Its clear hes got an addiction... dating sites, and now hes given out his number to all these girls, Doing what hes doing is not treating you well..... hes trying to Keep you sweet to cover what hes doing.

I would divorce him if it was me, because like say I cant see him changing, and i do not think he wants to either.


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## laura1013 (Jun 2, 2014)

Thank you all so much for the replies. I have long suspected he might have an addiction to these dating websites and porn. If he really wanted to change he would. We have not done counseling. I realize now how much he does need therapy, but I can't make him into the man that wants to change. I will not take him back easily this time, if at all. Last time I told him it was his last chance, that I was done if he ever did it again. He did it again. I know I need to keep strong for this child because I do not want my child exposed to this. Please, any and all advice is welcome and I take each of your posts into consideration.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

laura1013 said:


> Thank you all so much for the replies. I have long suspected he might have an addiction to these dating websites and porn, but I see it as an excuse and nothing more. If he really wanted to change he would. We have not done counseling. I realize now how much he does need therapy, but I can't make him into the man that wants to change. I will not take him back easily this time, if at all. Last time I told him it was his last chance, that I was done if he ever did it again. He did it again. I know I need to keep strong for this child because I do not want my child exposed to this. Please, any and all advice is welcome and I take each of your posts into consideration.


I don't think that anyone is implying that an addiction is an excuse. He has an obligation to stop his bad behavior. He obviously has no plan to stop.


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## laura1013 (Jun 2, 2014)

Oh, I didn't mean it that way or that anyone was implying it. I just meant that I will definitely be holding strong to him leaving because to me it's not an excuse. I fixed it for the misunderstanding


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## Magci (Mar 27, 2014)

Have you tried to block those dating sites, Facebook, twitter and some other unwanted sites? Just stop him.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Get tested for STDs. Then look at couples counselling and individual counselling for you both.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

To call what he has an addiction disrespects the horrifying grip that real addictions can have on people. He is not an addict he is just a selfish narcissist A$$hole.

There is debate that someone can be addicted to porn, but its effect and character is around porn not cheating. What he is doing can only be achieved through dehumanizing you or by a functional sociopath. 

Perhaps it has a chance if he suffers more or less a complete breakdown, wants individual counseling, and goes to it while giving you full transparency to his activities. If he holds onto his pride and you have to bargain him into that place, forget it.


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## Tiberius (Mar 22, 2012)

Laura,

Do not take him back until he goes to IC by himself.
Once he has done this and realized why he behaves like that, you can let him in yours and your child's life. 
If he refuses IC and continues with his self destructive behaviour, look after yourself and your baby, your baby does not need a father like that and certainly you do not need a husband like him.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

melw74 said:


> I am not going through it, but would like to offer some advice.
> 
> I cant see your husband changing, Not with any help, Its clear hes got an addiction... dating sites, and now hes given out his number to all these girls, Doing what hes doing is not treating you well..... hes trying to Keep you sweet to cover what hes doing.


This is more than an addiction. This is UTTER LACK OF CARING. If he really LOVED you, he wouldn't want TEN OTHER WOMEN. 

He wants what he wants, period.

He married you to have the cook/cleaner/sex on demand and he fully expects to 'get' to have any other woman he can have.

Run.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

laura1013 said:


> Thank you all so much for the replies. I have long suspected he might have an addiction to these dating websites and porn. If he really wanted to change he would. We have not done counseling. I realize now how much he does need therapy, but I can't make him into the man that wants to change. I will not take him back easily this time, if at all. Last time I told him it was his last chance, that I was done if he ever did it again. He did it again. I know I need to keep strong for this child because I do not want my child exposed to this. Please, any and all advice is welcome and I take each of your posts into consideration.


Your child now has the opportunity to be loved and treated well by whatever man you find in the future who will NOT be such a piece of crap. Please don't subject your child to living with such a narcissist; it's not healthy. Move on, get therapy to figure out why you were drawn to such a person so you don't get drawn into yet another guy like that, and look forward to a better life.


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## laura1013 (Jun 2, 2014)

So after I told him I wanted a separation last night, he started going into how "I no longer excited him" and that "our marriage has become boring" and "he stayed with me out of guilt". Basically blame-shifting his actions onto me. I stayed logical and without emotion and kept calm. I realize I'm not the perfect wife, but I don't think he has a right to do this just because he got "bored." He also refused to leave and is staying at the apartment. I guess I will do the 180 and try to separate myself as much as possible from him until I can figure out my next move. I am trying my best not to get emotional, but it's very hard right now.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Do you have family you can go to, stay with, until you get your own place?


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

You are doing great Laura. I know it hard (I'm less than one month out from my seperation), but you are doing the right thing in telling him exactly how you feel. He is blameshifting and you recognize it, that's good. He probably knows how to hit close to the mark, recognize that too and get mad at him for trying to manipulate you. 

Check the laws in your state before you move out. If you move in with a family member and get cheap / free rent, it could affect your spousal maintenance in the divorce. You will need to decide if that is worth it or not. Sometimes money just isn't worth putting up with the crap any more.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

laura1013 said:


> So after I told him I wanted a separation last night, he started going into how "I no longer excited him" and that "our marriage has become boring" and "he stayed with me out of guilt". Basically blame-shifting his actions onto me. I stayed logical and without emotion and kept calm. I realize I'm not the perfect wife, but I don't think he has a right to do this just because he got "bored." He also refused to leave and is staying at the apartment. I guess I will do the 180 and try to separate myself as much as possible from him. I am trying my best not to get emotional, but it's very hard right now.


Sadly you probably should prepare yourself to end up divorced from him.

I went through the same with my Ex, and what you haven't factored in (yet) is the fact that these OW are poison to your marriage. You see, they constantly feed his ego, telling him how "wonderful" he is, and if he shares with them the fact that he is married, you can bet that he paints a less than favorable picture of you. Those OW feed on that information and help bring you down in his eyes.

At some point you will have to face that reality. The blame shifting indicates a lack of remorse and a sense of "entitlement". He feels "entitled" to all that female attention and doesn't care (at this point) about you. He expects you to change all of your "bad" behavior (as deemed by himself and his OW) while he manages to maintain both you and his ego boosters. You are now being manipulated by a "gang" (him and his OW).

I feel for your situation, especially with regards to the pregnancy. Do you have family and friends for emotional support? Do you have a plan to get away and be independent from him, even if it's just temporary? Is it possible that, once you pack your bags and leave, that he will only then consider counseling and realize what he stands to lose? Or will he wallow in self-pity at how "cruelly you abandoned him" in order to seek more ego kibbles from his OW?

I am so much happier being divorced from my cheating spouse. And he started the same as yours. Dating sites. Phone calls. Texts. It fed his ego. In his eyes, he deserved the attention, and (in his eyes) I needed to "shape up" to be worthy of him. I didn't play that game. I left him. So did his OW. Karma has a way of sorting things out. Good luck to you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

They haven't even been married 2 years. There won't be anything to get. Except child support.


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## laura1013 (Jun 2, 2014)

All of my family and friends are in NY and I'm in VA. My insurance is in VA, and I have another prenatal appointment coming up so I'm not sure what to do. If I move to NY, I will lose my insurance (it won't transfer) and I don't want to end up on medicaid. I'm trying to figure out how to best take care of this baby, separate myself from him, and be independent. He definitely is showing zero remorse at this point. He acts like he doesn't care as a defense mechanism. I know that by staying logical instead of emotional and pretending to be happy will have the biggest effect on him. He's used to me being emotional, crying, breaking down, and being hurt. I don't want to give him that power anymore. I do want to leave and to show him how I won't deal with this, but it's not as easy as packing up my bags and leaving tonight. The pregnancy and being in a different state complicates things.


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## intuitionoramiwrong (Mar 18, 2014)

Stay calm, you're doing great. Hang in there and keep posting.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ask your doctor for names of groups you can join, like groups for pregnant women or mommies to be. Look in your neighborhood for the groups. Join stuff. Start getting out. You have a long way ahead of you. Find a therapist and start going so he/she can help you start making plans to get mentally stronger and move out. You're in no rush, unless he ramps up the pressure, but you really need to make friends and start being with other people. You need the support.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

laura1013 said:


> All of my family and friends are in NY and I'm in VA. My insurance is in VA, and I have another prenatal appointment coming up so I'm not sure what to do. If I move to NY, I will lose my insurance (it won't transfer) and I don't want to end up on medicaid. I'm trying to figure out how to best take care of this baby, separate myself from him, and be independent. He definitely is showing zero remorse at this point. He acts like he doesn't care as a defense mechanism. I know that by staying logical instead of emotional and pretending to be happy will have the biggest effect on him. He's used to me being emotional, crying, breaking down, and being hurt. I don't want to give him that power anymore. I do want to leave and to show him how I won't deal with this, but it's not as easy as packing up my bags and leaving tonight. The pregnancy and being in a different state complicates things.


I would bet a steak dinner that he will ask for R sometime in the next two weeks--maybe even a few days. The psychology behind this is really messed up but these wayward spouses don't completely get the reality of whats happening right away and they stay all smug and high on the attention they have been getting from the EA's and your pain. 

Sit down with him and piece of paper and plan out the divorce. When, what, custody, how much support ect.. Tell him you want an uncontested divorce so its important that you work this out. 

However, I am not recommending that you will take him back.


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## laura1013 (Jun 2, 2014)

I am looking into my insurance to sign up for independent counseling for me. I do have some friends here, so I will make sure to get out as much as I can. I will definitely talk to him about the divorce. He has already expressed that he wants to be a part of his child's life, no matter what happens with us. I feel overwhelmed but I am trying to take one baby step at a time.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You may want to talk to a lawyer soon about where you want to be in the future. My concern would be that it may be easier to move now before the baby is born, but after it's born, your ability to move may be curtailed because of your stbx's right to time with the child. You can also see if your lawyer has ideas about maintaining your health care. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

laura1013 said:


> So after I told him I wanted a separation last night, he started going into how "I no longer excited him" and that "our marriage has become boring" and "he stayed with me out of guilt". Basically blame-shifting his actions onto me. I stayed logical and without emotion and kept calm. I realize I'm not the perfect wife, but I don't think he has a right to do this just because he got "bored." He also refused to leave and is staying at the apartment. I guess I will do the 180 and try to separate myself as much as possible from him until I can figure out my next move. I am trying my best not to get emotional, but it's very hard right now.


If that's how he felt he had an obligation to talk to you about this and to find ways to make the marriage better. He owed you that.

His happiness is his own responsibility.


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## laura1013 (Jun 2, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> If that's how he felt he had an obligation to talk to you about this and to find ways to make the marriage better. He owed you that.
> 
> His happiness is his own responsibility.


That's exactly what I told him. That he should have come to me if he was unhappy instead of going off to seek external validation. He had no answer, because obviously I was right and he is in the wrong.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

laura1013 said:


> I threatened to leave him if he did not change.


You drew a line in the sand and he crossed it.

Do you really want to erase that line and draw another one? You gave him his chance and he threw it away. What that should tell you is that if you give him another one, it's likely the same thing will happen. For one reason, because he would stop worrying about future consequences; for another, he's apparently a serial cheater.

I know it's even tougher with your pregnancy. I'm very sorry you're here. But this early in your marriage, when you should be in your honeymoon phase; he's clearly shown you who he is. Better now than after more children and more years invested in the marriage.

Keep posting.


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## laura1013 (Jun 2, 2014)

I guess it's so hard to let go of the notion that my husband isn't who I thought he was. He won't be a faithful and honest husband. He doesn't love me enough to change. It's so heartbreaking as I try to pick up the pieces. Everything seemed to have been going so well until the pregnancy, a pregnancy he was excited for and wanted. He's been excited this whole time. It's like every time some major event happens in our lives, he resorts to dating sites and porn. I don't understand it at all.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

He's using the porn and internet sex crap as a coping mechanism. He really needs to see an addictions expert, preferably one who deals specifically with porn/sex addictions.


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## ecotime47 (Apr 3, 2013)

I'm praying for you laura. I know all of this is very hard. You don't deserve any of this. He's obviously got serious issues he needs to deal with. Stay strong and stay connected to a good support system.


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## laura1013 (Jun 2, 2014)

ecotime47 said:


> I'm praying for you laura. I know all of this is very hard. You don't deserve any of this. He's obviously got serious issues he needs to deal with. Stay strong and stay connected to a good support system.


Thank you, I appreciate the prayers.


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## laura1013 (Jun 2, 2014)

We just talked tonight as I asked to talk about the divorce. He was civil and willing to give me what I want as far as custody, child support, etc. I told him he needs counseling and in order to remain civil and be able to be a part of his child's life, he will need to go. He agreed. I am also going to go to IC to help get through this as best I can. I feel weak but know I can be strong. He's talked the talk but only time will tell if he will walk the walk. He's also agreed to support me until I can move and figure out insurance. So I guess we are doing a separation but living together for the time being (he still won't leave and says he pays for the apartment and has a right to live here) After this, I am dropping all talk about the relationship and doing the 180. I know it's going to be harder, but I still need time to figure out my next steps.


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## laura1013 (Jun 2, 2014)

I also believe he's playing such a calm and cool act because he does not believe I will leave him and is waiting for me to be my old emotional self. I will probably cry at times, but I want to be as cool-headed as possible. I know it will take a lot of strength and time to get through this. Baby steps right?


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## laura1013 (Jun 2, 2014)

Update:

So I told each woman he messaged and gave his phone number to on the dating site that he was married and I was pregnant. Some didn't answer, but most of them were disgusted. I found out from one girl that they went out on a date last night. She said she immediately cut it off after seeing my message. I asked her if anything physical went on and she told me no. I know I can't believe everything but it makes me feel better that most women are disgusted by a married man trying to date them.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

laura1013 said:


> Update:
> 
> So I told each woman he messaged and gave his phone number to on the dating site that he was married and I was pregnant. Some didn't answer, but most of them were disgusted. I found out from one girl that they went out on a date last night. She said she immediately cut it off after seeing my message. I asked her if anything physical went on and she told me no. I know I can't believe everything but it makes me feel better that most women are disgusted by a married man trying to date them.


That had to feel good in maybe a little bit of a dark way. Thats Ok, you did right by these people giving them the truth.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

laura1013 said:


> I also believe he's playing such a calm and cool act because he does not believe I will leave him and is waiting for me to be my old emotional self. I will probably cry at times, but I want to be as cool-headed as possible. I know it will take a lot of strength and time to get through this. Baby steps right?


If this is true, and I suspect it is, he is showing his stripes as a manipulator. He feels like he has power over you and wants it fully exercised to his benefit giving no thought or caring for you. Run girl, run.


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## laura1013 (Jun 2, 2014)

ScrambledEggs said:


> That had to feel good in maybe a little bit of a dark way. Thats Ok, you did right by these people giving them the truth.


It felt SO good. It feels as good as not being emotional in front of him. I feel like I have power.


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## whatslovegottodowithit? (Jan 6, 2013)

Is he, present or past, been violent and/or threatening to be? Do drugs? Drink too much? Smoke in your presence? May be a way to get him out of your living arrangement.

If he is willing to manipulate you and other women, take EVERYTHING he says with a grain of salt i.e. will pay support, be in child's life, help you move, etc...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## laura1013 (Jun 2, 2014)

whatslovegottodowithit? said:


> Is he, present or past, been violent and/or threatening to be? Do drugs? Drink too much? Smoke in your presence? May be a way to get him out of your living arrangement.
> 
> If he is willing to manipulate you and other women, take EVERYTHING he says with a grain of salt i.e. will pay support, be in child's life, help you move, etc...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, he isn't violent, or addicted to drugs or alcohol (that I know of). I know he will want to be in the child's life, for all of his horrible qualities and pride, he does have some heart left in there. He's a lost soul, addicted to external validation, selfish, immature, insecure, and prideful. If he doesn't pay support, he doesn't get to see the child. The baby isn't due until January though so who knows what it will be like then. We will either be civil or not be talking at all.


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## ecotime47 (Apr 3, 2013)

How are things going friend?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

laura1013 said:


> If he doesn't pay support, he doesn't get to see the child.


Uh, this is a very immature attitude to have. It's in the best interest of the child to see it's father, whether he's paying you or not. I really makes me mad when women use their children like this to get money out of their ex's. No matter WHAT goes on between you and he, don't EVER restrict his access to his child. The only person you're hurting by doing that is the child.


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## laura1013 (Jun 2, 2014)

Hope1964 said:


> Uh, this is a very immature attitude to have. It's in the best interest of the child to see it's father, whether he's paying you or not. I really makes me mad when women use their children like this to get money out of their ex's. No matter WHAT goes on between you and he, don't EVER restrict his access to his child. The only person you're hurting by doing that is the child.


You are right, that was anger and hurt talking more than anything.


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## laura1013 (Jun 2, 2014)

ecotime47 said:


> How are things going friend?


Things have been extremely rocky. He continues to talk to other women saying he wants separation. We are currently separated but still living in the same house. It is very hard and taking a huge toll on me. One minute we are civil and the next we are lashing out. I don't see how it will get better from here.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Start leaving the kids with him while you go out with your girlfriends. Let him see you not NEEDING him.


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## laura1013 (Jun 2, 2014)

We don't have any kids together besides this pregnancy. We have only one car and he uses it for work so I don't have many resources at this point. I do go out with friends sometimes and see his family that I'm close with. Last night I told him not to bother coming home and he spent the night who knows where. He's still shown no remorse. Two days ago he deleted numbers out of his phone and let me check it. Then the next day he says he's tired of being monitored. I consider it a lost cause at this point. He's shown me over and over these past few weeks that he doesn't care, it seems to me he wants to be able to be "single" and date around (but says he just needs a break from me) I am slowly coming up with a plan of where to live, work, and start over. My biggest hurdle right now is not lashing out and saying things out of anger. I just want him to suffer like I am. I know my pregnancy hormones are getting the best of me.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Do you want to stay married to him?

He's not likely to change.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

laura1013 said:


> I am slowly coming up with a plan of where to live, work, and start over.


Good!


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

So sorry you are going through this. It is truly disgusting. Time to return this child to grade school. Start looking for a man.

Perhaps a book may help. Seems nothing can hurt. Married Man Sex Life Primer by Athol Kay. It might make him better. You should read it first to see if you think it would help him.


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## laura1013 (Jun 2, 2014)

Yup, I've already talked to 3 women who he's taken out on dates. They all claim nothing physical happened and were disgusted when they found out he's married with a pregnant wife (he lied to them all). I'm sure there is more. It hurts so bad that he could do this to me during what should be a happy time. I don't understand it at all. I don't understand how someone can be that heartless and cruel. I don't want to be the victim, but right now I feel SO lost and weak. I just don't want to stress my baby too much but I feel like that's all I'm doing. I can't sleep without thinking about him off with other women.


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## Cabsy (Mar 25, 2013)

Sounds like he's fighting for what he wants... which isn't you, unless you're willing to tag along as a pet while he does whatever he wants. He seems selfish and immature as others have pointed out. Keep working on your exit plan and good luck.

When my wayward was pregnant, _and she had cheated on me_, I supported her through the pregnancy. Babies are way more sensitive and in-tune with the world than many people think - even in the womb, particularly later in the pregnancy. His priorities are all about himself.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Try some yoga and/or meditation. My daughter's pregnant right now and that helps her.

And continue with your exit plan. As things move forward you'll feel better.


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## botti (May 28, 2014)

He will never change. I'm so sorry 

Depending on what state you live in, you may have better parental rights if you are divorced when the baby is born than you will if you're still married. 

I would cut him loose and focus all your energy and joy on healing and growing your beautiful baby.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

turnera said:


> They haven't even been married 2 years. There won't be anything to get. Except child support.


I agree. Get to a lawyer ASAP. You have a very sympathetic case and should receive support until you can stand on your own. 

I'm sorry, this should be an enjoyable time for your family. Your husband is an A$$hole and it will come back to him one day. 

When he goes through plenty of skanks, mark my word, he will come CRAWLING back to you. 

Be ready when it happens, because it WILL happen. I hope you find a real man by the time he does. Oh, tables will turn, honey. I've been around a while.


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## laura1013 (Jun 2, 2014)

So a little update: My husband's cousin offered to let me stay with her for as long as I need. I watch her toddler already so it would work well for me for a short-term plan. I've started packing my things. I've also arranged with a couple of friends to stay with them in NY, so once I'm able to secure a car, job and health insurance up there I will most likely move. I'm trying to get to NY by the end of the summer.

My husband and I talked last night. He still continues with the he just needs a break from the relationship and all of the fighting/tension/etc. So if he just needs a break, why talk to other women? He must think I'm stupid. He says that he just feels too immature and not grown enough for this marriage right now. He needs to figure himself out. I feel hurt and confused. I told him I won't wait around for him. If he's not sure what he wants, than he obviously doesn't want me. If he was scared of losing me, he wouldn't be doing this right? I'm pregnant with his child! He basically said that this "break" wouldn't be forever and "who knows" where we will be closer to when the baby is born. I felt like he was trying to have me just wait for him while he does his thing. I know it will take time to move on and not feel attached to him, I'm just hoping I can get there.

As I'm packing my stuff, it feels like he's "winning". That he will get to bring over women to our apartment. He still claims nothing physical has happened, and the women I've talked to backed that up, but even IF that was true, I'm sure it's only a matter of time. 

He wants to be a part of the pregnancy and still go to my doctor appointments. Should I let him? How involved should I let him be in my life right now? I feel like it's unfair that he gets to be my friend and support while also being "single" and doing what he wants. I know I need to just stop snooping and warning other women or blocking numbers on his phone. What's the best way for me to detach and start moving on (and show him that)? I'm still trying to be as cool and calm as possible, act upbeat and happy, not ask him where he's going. Doing as much of the 180 as I can right now.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

The ONLY thing you should communicate with him about is the baby. Nothing more. I don't think he needs to go to doctors appts and stuff - that's more for you. When you have the baby invite him to the hospital to meet it, but there's no reason he needs to be in the delivery room. Get someone else to be with you through the pregnancy and birth. Just keep him informed for now about how the pregnancy is going, and don't let him push his way into YOUR life any more than for what involves the baby.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

laura1013 said:


> What's the best way for me to detach and start moving on (and show him that)?


Move out.


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## m0nk (Mar 14, 2014)

Its time to serve papers. Let him show you he wants to be there for the child...but start setting up your independence. Best of luck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ecotime47 (Apr 3, 2013)

laura1013 said:


> So a little update: My husband's cousin offered to let me stay with her for as long as I need. I watch her toddler already so it would work well for me for a short-term plan. I've started packing my things. I've also arranged with a couple of friends to stay with them in NY, so once I'm able to secure a car, job and health insurance up there I will most likely move. I'm trying to get to NY by the end of the summer.
> 
> My husband and I talked last night. He still continues with the he just needs a break from the relationship and all of the fighting/tension/etc. So if he just needs a break, why talk to other women? He must think I'm stupid. He says that he just feels too immature and not grown enough for this marriage right now. He needs to figure himself out. I feel hurt and confused. I told him I won't wait around for him. If he's not sure what he wants, than he obviously doesn't want me. If he was scared of losing me, he wouldn't be doing this right? I'm pregnant with his child! He basically said that this "break" wouldn't be forever and "who knows" where we will be closer to when the baby is born. I felt like he was trying to have me just wait for him while he does his thing. I know it will take time to move on and not feel attached to him, I'm just hoping I can get there.
> 
> ...


I'm so sorry Laura. His behavior is just appalling. You're doing the right thing by moving out. I'm proud of you. Keep your head up and be strong for you and the baby.


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