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## lynn11374 (Nov 28, 2016)

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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Look, if his 'physical needs' were that important to him, then he would get his butt in bed before you were asleep. There is no reason he can't join you in bed and then get up and carry on with whatever his night-owl activities are (probably watching porn and then expecting you to give him release). He's a selfish prick.

The only person he can change is himself; so, he better get crackin'.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

lynn11374 said:


> My bf and I have been together for 4 years and bought a house together 2 years ago. Both of us are divorced and were separated when we met. He is very loving and affectionate and we get along great.
> 
> We last night he woke me up at 1:30 to tell me he hasn’t been happy in months because I am not affectionate enough had done care about his sexual needs. It is true but part of that has been my libido has decreased significantly in the past couple of years. I am 45 and he’s 47. Also I am constantly irritated and stressed by the state of our fixer upper hose which I see him as the cause of because he refuses to hire a professional to fix the house and instead goes with these unlicensed guys who do work on the side which is cheaper but they flake out all the time and don’t get things done quickly. Have been living with bedroom walls covered in water damage and mold for 2 years. And walls with giant sections of sheet rock removed and electrical wires sticking out.
> 
> ...


What do you intend to do about his needs?
There is a rational way to approach him and address the problem.
Think about 2-3 years in the future. What do you want your future to look like? In reality.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> Look, if his 'physical needs' were that important to him, then he would get his butt in bed before you were asleep. There is no reason he can't join you in bed and then get up and carry on with whatever his night-owl activities are (probably watching porn and then expecting you to give him release). He's a selfish prick.
> 
> The only person he can change is himself; so, he better get crackin'.


^^^yep.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

So lynn, I am a night owl, my wife is a morning person.
Guess when WE have sex -- usually, in the morning (sometimes later in the day, but almost NEVER when I got to bed -- WAY too late for her). Yes, I DO wake up early for this (way earlier from what I want at times) -- WHY? Because sex is important in a relationship, and SHE is important to me. Like Blondilocks said, if he REALLY wanted sex, instead of just complaining to you, HE would make sure it was when it was good for YOU instead of being selfish.

Him telling you about Tinder is him trying to manipulate the crap out of you -- don't fall for that.

Just be clear: "If you go on Tinder, YOU are going away from me forever" Make your boundaries clear to him.

As for the state of the house -- do you BOTH own it? If so, why don't YOU make appointments with contractors to do the work. Just because "he's the man" doesn't mean anything -- you can do this also, no?


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> Look, if his 'physical needs' were that important to him, then he would get his butt in bed before you were asleep. There is no reason he can't join you in bed and then get up and carry on with whatever his night-owl activities are (probably watching porn and then expecting you to give him release). He's a selfish prick.
> 
> The only person he can change is himself; so, he better get crackin'.


I was thinking the same thing. When you're in a long term relationship who cares when you do it, as long as you do it. I do like to stay up late some nights and watch my dorky sci-fi movies or old Law and Order Episodes. Now that there is streaming and DVRs no one cane use the, "I'll be upstairs later excuse". You can just go back to it afterwards. I think we should appreciate it when our partner lets us know when they are feeling at their best.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Please consult a doctor about your libido, and rule out physical causes. You may be thinking in a wrong direction, and avoiding a direction which could restore your libido. You may have a valid reason for loss of libido, and one which can be treated.

However, resentment can sure cause people to not want sex. They don't usually lose sexual desire in general, just for a specific person who is the object of their anger.

I understand your anger toward what you see as non-action. But, I have to point out that resentment on your husband's part for having his needs ignored is not helping him to cooperate in meeting your needs. I clearly understand that a well-kempt house is a need for you.



lynn11374 said:


> He doesn’t accept this as an excuse


He is correct. Not only correct, it's a very self-centered excuse, as well. The degree to which a marriage is successful is governed by the degree to which both partners are willing to deny themselves the self-gratification of resentment and revenge.

If you don't want to be awaken at 1-2 am, the very best thing you could do for you and for your marriage is to put on a sexy nightgown and go seduce him at the hour when you want to go to bed. Or, at noon  My bet is that your H will be ready for bed at whatever hour.....

Steve Harvey once made a joke on "Family Feud" .... he said "....I don't care what the problem is, sex will fix it....".

And, sex will keep your H off of "Tinder", etc.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

There is a lot going on here. First of all, it is obnoxious to wake a person up in the middle of the night. He doesn't seem concerned about your needs.

Why is the house in this state? It's not all his fault. You bought the house together. You both live there. You are both responsible. Why are you placing all the responsibility on him to correct the problem? Can you please explain the dynamic of why this has happened?

98% he's already on Tinder, but feels guilty, so he's putting this on you. He wasn't trying to work with you on this. He was demanding that you do what he wants, which is give him more sex in the middle of the night or he's going to find it elsewhere. This man lacks integrity. I don't know if it's even worth it to try to make it work with someone of this low caliber. He is very self-centered and not trying to work with you. Instead he is trying to get something from you that he thinks he's entitled to. Not a good dynamic.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Have you explicitly told him that the state of the house stresses you and that stress is a known libido killer? Have you explicitly stated that walls with holes and mold aren't a turn on and distract from attempts at romance? Have you explicitly said "Get the house work actually going, for real, and come to bed earlier if you want me to be interested in sex with you?"

Is there a reason you can't hire contractors yourself to come fix the walls or whatever else needs doing?


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## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

Does your boyfriend ever try to initiate sex or flirt with you during normal waking hours?

I'm just wondering what time of day/night he would meet his Tinder date at? 1 to 2 am?! Unlikely.

Like someone else asked, do you feel any sexual desire regardless of whether that's direct to your boyfriend or not?

If you feel nothing at all, it might be worth investigating that. Are you depressed or on medication that dampens libido maybe.


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## lynn11374 (Nov 28, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> Have you explicitly told him that the state of the house stresses you and that stress is a known libido killer? Have you explicitly stated that walls with holes and mold aren't a turn on and distract from attempts at romance? Have you explicitly said "Get the house work actually going, for real, and come to bed earlier if you want me to be interested in sex with you?"
> 
> Is there a reason you can't hire contractors yourself to come fix the walls or whatever else needs doing?


Yes I have told him the house stresses me and therefore impacts my desire and his answer is a sarcastic “oh please, that’s a great answer”. 

Regarding the contractors I can certainly hire them myself but I would hire professionals which cost more, then it causes all kinds of fighting because he feels like he’s being overcharged on everything and then it ends up in a dispute with the contractor. So it’s a bad choice either way


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What is he doing in the time between when you go to bed and he goes to bed?


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## lynn11374 (Nov 28, 2016)

Also want to add, it’s not just sex but what he perceives as not enough general affection. The amount of affection I give him, to me, it’s a lot but not a lot to him. My ex-husband was not an affectionate person so this relationship is already five times more affectionate than my marriage. But my boyfriend is the kind of guy that needs a lot of warmth, and nurturing, more than I’m used to giving. And at age 45 i’ve spent many years in relationships that were not super affectionate and that’s what I’m conditioned for, it’s hard to change at this point. 

He also feels I don’t proactively offer and suggest to do things that I know he likes to do that maybe aren’t my favorite things to do, like going for long walks. I guess I just don’t think about suggesting it, because it’s not something I’m dying to do but if he suggested that I would certainly go along


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## lynn11374 (Nov 28, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> What is he doing in the time between when you go to bed and he goes to bed?


Most of the time at that hour he is working. He runs a mostly online business so he takes this time to do customer service emails.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

lynn11374 said:


> Yes I have told him the house stresses me and therefore impacts my desire and his answer is a sarcastic “oh please, that’s a great answer”.
> 
> Regarding the contractors I can certainly hire them myself but I would hire professionals which cost more, then it causes all kinds of fighting because he feels like he’s being overcharged on everything and then it ends up in a dispute with the contractor. So it’s a bad choice either way


So you trying to meet your personal responsibilities causes him to react negatively, yet it's okay for him to wake you in the middle of the night scratch his itch. Seriously. Why are you with this man?

Does he ever go away? See if you can get him to leave for a week while you have the house fixed. When he comes back, he'll be livid. You two can sell the house and you can never have to deal with this self-entitled man again.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lynn11374 said:


> Also want to add, it’s not just sex but what he perceives as not enough general affection. The amount of affection I give him, to me, it’s a lot but not a lot to him. My ex-husband was not an affectionate person so this relationship is already five times more affectionate than my marriage. But my boyfriend is the kind of guy that needs a lot of warmth, and nurturing, more than I’m used to giving. And at age 45 i’ve spent many years in relationships that were not super affectionate and that’s what I’m conditioned for, it’s hard to change at this point.
> 
> He also feels I don’t proactively offer and suggest to do things that I know he likes to do that maybe aren’t my favorite things to do, like going for long walks. I guess I just don’t think about suggesting it, because it’s not something I’m dying to do but if he suggested that I would certainly go along


This is something you have control over. You can change your own behavior.

What sort of shows of affection does he want? Make a list. Do some of them (3 or some number a day). At first it will seem contrived on your part, but you will learn to do these things as part of your normal behavior. 

Do the same thing with suggesting things to do, such as going for walks. Make a list. Then see about setting a 'date' each week to done one of them.

What, besides walks are things that he likes to do? What are things that you like to do?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

To add more to my above post....

I've been in a relationship with a guy who never suggested anything to do. You know what it feels like? Like he did not want to spend time together. Instead it felt like he was avoiding spending any time with me.

How many hours a week do the two of you spend together, just the two of you, doing things that you both enjoy?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I think it's informative to read OPs other threads about this relationship. He would not be a keeper for me, that's for sure.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Well, you know there is an issue. He has expressed a need. 
You have told him your issues influencing your side of this. 
You both just need to sit down and talk this out. Make a plan of action. 
What can be done?
State what you do not want, what you can do on your end. 
He can state what he can do on his.
Here is one of these issues where men and women are often different. You may have all of these external factors affecting your libido and ducks that have to been in a row to "get in the mood"
For him, it is probably nothing more than just seeing you with his eyes and feeling drawn to you and enticed. One second his mind is elsewhere the next he sees you, thinks you are gorgeous and wants you right at that 
exact moment. 
Problem solve. 
Tell him for example you do not care for being awoken late like that, stop doing that. He may need to occasionally go to bed at your bed time and spend time with you. Not every night, occasionally. 
Make a plan of action as to what can bring your stress down. What things can he do to help? Come up with things together. 
Date more. Make it a priority to go out and do things together and court each other. Get fixed up for each other, go to new places or try new things, wine tasting, rock climbing, dance lessons, new restaurants, travel to new towns nearby....anything. Date again like you did years ago. 
Agree to meet in the middle. Give him some times when you aren't in the mood to just give yourself to physical intimacy anyway. Have him agree to give you times to where you get the night off because you aren't feeling it. Not 100% he gets it every time he wants and not you get to wait until you are in this perfect mood 100% of the time. 
Talk it out lovingly and patiently and see each others side and make a plan together.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Deleted by Moderator


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> This is something you have control over. You can change your own behavior.
> 
> What sort of shows of affection does he want? Make a list. Do some of them (3 or some number a day). At first it will seem contrived on your part, but you will learn to do these things as part of your normal behavior.
> 
> ...


Yes, maybe look into taking the "love language" test to find out how you each give and receive love. 
Find out what his biggest love languages are...

Quality time
Encouraging Words
Acts of service and help
Physical Touch
Gift giving

I saw a lesson once for couples about how men have coaches, teachers, co-workers, friends and teammates all through their lives that give encouragement and believe in them and push them and that sometimes once they've been married for a long time the spouse interaction is no longer one of someone pushing for them, encouraging them, praising them, someone who believes in them but rather one of double checking everything, criticizing, complaining, nagging, always pointing out flaws and the list of things "did wrong" that day. 
She committed to encouraging him and telling him positive things about being with him and praise and it transformed the way he was and acted in the marriage towards her and around the house and in work. Things flourished.

Anyway, once you both learn (if you don't already know) the ways your spouse best and mostly deeply feels love you can both commit to giving that to each other.
Since you mention affection, physical touch may be one of his top love languages.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Livvie said:


> I think it's informative to read OPs other threads about this relationship. He would not be a keeper for me, that's for sure.


^^^This is imperative.

Here's last year's thread. Doesn't appear as if anything has really changed. 

https://talkaboutmarriage.com/gener...attentive-my-partners-needs.html#post19976765


OP I think your boyfriend's behavior is a total turn off. It's no wonder you have low libido. Mine would be non existent....for him.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

lynn11374 said:


> Yes I have told him the house stresses me and therefore impacts my desire and his answer is a sarcastic “oh please, that’s a great answer”.


We guys want sex even if the house is on fire, and unfinished remodeling is certainly not a stressor which would cause us to not want sex. Therefore, from his perspective, this has no credence. For us, it is simply implausible that something so trivial as unfinished remodeling could possibly be a reason to avoid sex.



lynn11374 said:


> Regarding the contractors I can certainly hire them myself but I would hire professionals which cost more, then it causes all kinds of fighting


If you two share finances you cannot make unilateral decisions on spending. My advice would be to separate your finances, then call contractors in on YOUR money.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

TJW said:


> If you two share finances you cannot make unilateral decisions on spending. My advice would be to separate your finances, then call contractors in on YOUR money.


I have two opinions on this. If there are shared finances for household expenses, then it would reasonable to use that money to get the house fixed. If you would rather pay for it yourself, then make sure you have receipts and proof that you paid for it. When it comes time to sell the house, you'll need that proof for the house profit to be split fairly.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I remembered you even before I read your other thread. But just to be sure, I refreshed my memory. So from what I gleaned from your other thread, this is YOUR house, correct? It's in your name because you had good credit? Did I get that right?

Get the damn house fixed. Professionally. You call the shots-it's your house. Mold can be a killer. It can cause a host of illnesses. That you're living like this is ridiculous. 

And get rid of your so called boyfriend. I'm usually not this harsh, but his threats of going on Tinder, his refusing to go celebrate the holidays with your family because you backed out of a house deal you weren't comfortable with (and you stayed behind as well), throwing a ***** fit because you won't walk the dogs with him at the asinine hour of 1 a.m., his dragging his feet on the D from his exW--such manipulation! My god, get rid of him.

How does he contribute monetarily to the finances? Is it 50/50? How does it shake out?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

In other words, nothing’s changed. No surprise there. Sounds like he’s warning you that he’ll cheat if he doesn’t like how things are going. No surprise there either. The question is why you don’t think you deserve better.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

lynn11374 said:


> Yes I have told him the house stresses me and therefore impacts my desire and his answer is a sarcastic “oh please, that’s a great answer”.
> 
> Regarding the contractors I can certainly hire them myself but I would hire professionals which cost more, then it causes all kinds of fighting because he feels like he’s being overcharged on everything and then it ends up in a dispute with the contractor. So it’s a bad choice either way


The work needs to be done to maintain or increase property value and it needs to be done right or it will fail inspection in the event you decide to sell in the future and you'll be paying for it then, anyway. Not to mention, yes, mold can do some serious damage to health. This is not just a property value issue, it's a health and safety issue, as well.

You own the house. A house you didn't want because it's a fixer upper that he pushed you into buying. He's refusing to take care of the work properly. Too bad if he gets angry. Don't let him anywhere near the contractor and make sure the contractor knows s/he is working for you, not your boyfriend. It's time to adult here. This is your house.



lynn11374 said:


> Also want to add, it’s not just sex but what he perceives as not enough general affection. The amount of affection I give him, to me, it’s a lot but not a lot to him. My ex-husband was not an affectionate person so this relationship is already five times more affectionate than my marriage. But my boyfriend is the kind of guy that needs a lot of warmth, and nurturing, more than I’m used to giving. And at age 45 i’ve spent many years in relationships that were not super affectionate and that’s what I’m conditioned for, it’s hard to change at this point.
> 
> He also feels I don’t proactively offer and suggest to do things that I know he likes to do that maybe aren’t my favorite things to do, like going for long walks. I guess I just don’t think about suggesting it, because it’s not something I’m dying to do but if he suggested that I would certainly go along


You don't sound very compatible on multiple key levels.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

This man is not your husband. He is your boyfriend. Why anyone would put up with this from a boyfriend is beyond me.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> To add more to my above post....
> 
> I've been in a relationship with a guy who never suggested anything to do. You know what it feels like? Like *he did not want to spend time together.* Instead it felt like he was avoiding spending any time with me.
> 
> How many hours a week do the two of you spend together, just the two of you, doing things that you both enjoy?


Ah this, not our Elegirl, how could it be?

Compatibility is a relationships balm. 
Lack of this, leads to chafing, leads to separate lives, these lonely forums.
And this lack, leads to separate beds, and to an itch that only divorce can scratch.


King Brian-


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Some others drive their lovers away.

With their words, their unspoken gestures.

Some driven off for their very existence, that, no fault of their own.

Compatibility is always the key to any successful pairing.

Some humans are loath to join at the hip, some are, frankly, anti-matter, incompatible with any thing, anyone.

Those who are seen angry on the surface are inwardly, a-boil. Their wholly water can find no cool spot, no peace.


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## Maxwedge 413 (Apr 16, 2014)

Almost everyone that has commented is 100% correct. I don't want to say he sucks,... But he sucks for You. You say you are 45 and set in your ways (relationship wise). Well, so is he. He's not going to change either. Respectfully part ways.

How long could you afford to live in the house if he moved out? Could you afford to have the repairs done? Would you qualify for a $15k, $20k loan to make the repairs and sell it? 

I need about 5 hours sleep and Mrs Max needs 10. I like to stay up late watching movies, driving at night, working on the car all night/weekend, whatever. She likes to sit on the couch and just read or knit every waking hour. But we adore each other, and find comfort in each other, and trust each other, and we're just compatible. The sex is always great too, although it's only a couple of times a month anymore (we're pushing 50 with sports kids and both work 50 hr a week).

You two are not compatible at all, which you already know. Figure out how you can afford to fix your house, kick your boyfriend out, and live on your own until you meet someone you are actually compatible with. Or remain a bachelorette, if you prefer. 

But don't buy a house you don't want, with a guy you don't like, ever again. Don't do it. 

Now go do something to make your life better.


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