# No sex - just hands



## confused55 (Apr 30, 2011)

I was wondering if some of you men out there might have an answer for this.

Why does my husband only want hand relief and no sex?

I've asked this question, and he says sex isn't as intense a feeling????????

Also, he only wants contact in the dark or has to close his eyes if it's in the daytime.

I can't really get him to talk much about it.


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

Wow, don't have a clue there sorry. The only thing I could think of is that he needs to think about someone else but that is pretty jaded and I hope I am wrong...


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Probably is used to the feeling of hands - possibly has spent a lot of time masterbating and not much experience with women, perhaps has anxiety about unwanted pregnancy, performance anxiety? When its about him, then let him have his preference, but he has to be able to put out when its about you or the two of you.


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## confused55 (Apr 30, 2011)

Lon said:


> Probably is used to the feeling of hands - possibly has spent a lot of time masterbating and not much experience with women, perhaps has anxiety about unwanted pregnancy, performance anxiety? When its about him, then let him have his preference, but he has to be able to put out when its about you or the two of you.


We've been married for 30 years. No chance of pregnancy!!! This has only started in the past few years or so, maybe 3.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

If I were you I would cease any sexual interaction altogether and let my spouse know that I feel he's being a complete jackoff by rejecting intercourse and making me feel like I'm suddenly not appealing enough for him. Then I would ask.. if it's not that then wtf is it? Of course that is just me. One thing you could try is if it's in the daytime... try putting a blindfold on him and see if he doesn't mind being tied up... he may just have a fantasy like that.. or you could ask him if he wants to try it.


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## confused55 (Apr 30, 2011)

Yeah, it probably is lack of attraction. That is what I was thinking.

I guess when you're 57, you lose it, although fairly attractive, fit and not overweight. Not much you can do about it.

I figured when he has his eyes closed, he's thinking of a different image than me, and if he opens them, it will bring him back to reality.

If he continues this, I think I will just abstain.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Therapy!


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## DiZ (May 15, 2012)

We have the same problem. He says he comes too quickly when he is inside me but I miss it. We do when I ask but it's mostly hands.


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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

Let him know that you do not mind just hands but you will not participate if he does not look or watch you. 

Otherwise he can use his own hands.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

It could be any number of issues.

In my experience, a lot of women don't really understand why many men continue to masturbate, despite being in a regular sexual relationship. Here are some things you might want to consider both psychologically, as well as physiologically. 

From a physical stand point a man can control the amount of pressure on the penis. If he masturbates regularly with a tighter grip, his body might become adapted to needing that extra pressure to feel stimulated. I know that I have sex several times a week, and still masturbate, and if I'm having a particularly high masturbatory week, or my wife has given me a lot of blow jobs (during which she uses her hands), vaginal sex begins to feel a little too lite and soft to my penis, and it makes getting off a little harder. If that happens I just stop jerking off for awhile, get reacclaimated to the softer pressure of the vagina, and all is fine. But some men just continue to fap, fap, fap away, and never give their bodies a chance to readjust.

From a psychological stand point, and I hate to say this, your husband might just be bored and unsatisfied with your sexual interaction and is using masturbation, porn, and/or fantasy to bring some spark back to his sexual life. You have been married for three decades. Unfortunately that can be a deterrent toward sex for some men (and women), and the same old patterns, and sadly even partner, just isn't doing it anymore. The tell tale sign is that he's closing his eyes even with the lights on. He's likely lost in a world of fantasy.

Don't forget, for a lot of men masturbation isn't just release, it's about escape. Can you spot issues, and changes, in your marriage that might leave your husband trying to escape from you, his sexual connection to you? Resentment? Anger? Is there a chance that, as he approaches 60, he's losing some confidence in his sexual prowess and masturbation allows him to escape the reality of that change? 

Now maybe a great time to sit down with your hubs and have a very frank, non-judgmental conversation about how he truly feels about your sex life, how he sees you sexually, himself sexually, and what he thinks he needs to be satisfied and fulfilled. Try to keep an open mind, do NOT back away from sex, which could be detrimental, 
and hopefully you two can hit on some uncovered truths that bring the spark back into the marriage for both of you.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

I always loved hand jobs, I don't think there is anything weird about enjoying them. I suppose it's just a mental thing.  People are turned on by and enjoy different things. 
If you want intercourse and your husband won't do it that often, then that is a problem because he's not fulfilling your needs.
But when I was married, my wife and I often did what we called "hands." We would take turns bringing each other to orgasm with our hands. It's difficult to explain, but to me, it was a turn on that she was doing something to me and concentrating on me, and it was the same for her. But to us, hands wasn't just a cut rate act, we put as much energy into it as intercourse. So, I don't think it is odd at all that your husband enjoys your hands, but I do think he needs to understand your desires.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

He may need more vigorous stimulation than intercourse provides than he used to.

Think ED, not rejection.


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

maybe he has just got lazy, and figured it was easier. quit giving him hj's


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## confused55 (Apr 30, 2011)

Thanks for all of the suggestions. It's given me something to think about that I didn't know before. I am going to have a long talk with him about all of this in the coming weekend, even though he doesn't like talking about sex. He'll probably just say everything is good with the hands and why do we need to bother with intercourse, but I'm going to start being a bit more demanding of him. It shouldn't always be his way.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Confused, I'm going to apologize in advance for saying this, but I've been there --

are you completely sure that he is heterosexual? Closeted gay men have been known to marry, but to get off they frequently prefer activities other than intercourse.

Again, sorry to suggest this, but...yeah. Been there.


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## Cherie (May 9, 2012)

jaquen said:


> From a psychological stand point, and I hate to say this, your husband might just be bored and unsatisfied with your sexual interaction and is using masturbation, porn, and/or fantasy to bring some spark back to his sexual life. You have been married for three decades. Unfortunately that can be a deterrent toward sex for some men (and women), and the same old patterns, and sadly even partner, just isn't doing it anymore. The tell tale sign is that he's closing his eyes even with the lights on. He's likely lost in a world of fantasy.
> 
> Now maybe a great time to sit down with your hubs and have a very frank, non-judgmental conversation about how he truly feels about your sex life, how he sees you sexually, himself sexually, and what he thinks he needs to be satisfied and fulfilled. Try to keep an open mind, do NOT back away from sex, which could be detrimental,
> and hopefully you two can hit on some uncovered truths that bring the spark back into the marriage for both of you.


I agree with this. And I know this may sound harsh but - perhaps he feels you aren't tight enough down there to do it for him. Have you recently had kids? How long have you guys been together? Those are all reasons men can go into fantasy mode. I think though, a good heart to heart can shed some light on the situation and also let him know that HIS NEEDS are not the only ones needing to be met. 

Good luck and keep us posted.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

I have dealt with a similar problem with my husband. This problem started when he was in his late 40's when he started having a hard time reaching orgasm when we had intercourse. After researching this problem I found it is called Delayed Ejaculation. This sometimes develops as men age. Hubby is 55 and I am 54. Been married over 35 years now. Before this, he usually had orgasms easily and quickly. Hubby and I are very close and tall a lot about sex. He seldom has an orgasm when we have intercourse because he has less sensation in his penis now than he did when he was younger. For him to have an orgasm it takes a stronger grip and more vigorous rubbing which a hand can do but my vagina can't. Also it takes more concentration (the brain is the biggest sex organ you know) so he often closes his eyes and fantasizes. 

But you know what - the same is true of me. I have also lost some sensation in my genital area since menopause and I also have a harder time reaching orgasm than I did when I was younger. I also often close my eyes and use my brain to help with orgasms. I have to use vibrators to reach orgasms because the manual stimulation that use to work no longer does. This doesn't mean I don't desire my husband - I do. It doesn't mean he doesn't turn me on anymore - he does! It just means my body has changed!! Aging sucks sometimes!! 

The point is, as we age our bodies change. Your husband's body may be changing and he may just be adapting to keep it working. I know it is hard to keep our ego out of this when it feels emotionally like we don't turn each other on anymore. But the reality is as we age - it is really just our bodies reacting differently and has nothing to do with how we feel about our spouses. I love my husband and he loves me. We desire each other and enjoy sex. But we have had to make adaptations to keep our sex life going. And we have learned new ways to make it enjoyable for each other. We both create fantasies and try new things to keep the excitement level high. Intercourse is still part of our love making - but only a small part now and it seldom ends with orgasms. But that's OK. What is important is that we both work together to meet each others needs and to keep our sex life alive and thriving - which it is. 

Perhaps this is what is going on with your husband. Talk to him lovingly and gently. Also there is a really good book you may want to look into. It has been extremely helpful to us. 

"All Night Long: How to Make Love to a Man Over 50" by
Barbara Keesling 

Good Luck!


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Interesting comments. So, a guy can't just "like" a handjob from his wife? If he enjoys his wife's hands, it appears from reading here that he has to have a problem?


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

southbound said:


> Interesting comments. So, a guy can't just "like" a handjob from his wife? If he enjoys his wife's hands, it appears from reading here that he has to have a problem?


:scratchhead:
There is no problem if a man "likes" a handjob from his wife as long as his wife "likes" giving them. If both spouses are happy with their sex life - whatever it may be - then there is no problem with it at all. I enjoy giving handjobs to my husband, but if that was the extent of our lovemaking - I am pretty sure I would quickly get bored with ONLY doing handjobs. But that's just me!!!!


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## MrsOldNews (Feb 22, 2012)

southbound said:


> Interesting comments. So, a guy can't just "like" a handjob from his wife? If he enjoys his wife's hands, it appears from reading here that he has to have a problem?


What if your wife only liked you to finger her to orgasm and wouldn't do anything else sexually with you, Would you be okay with that???


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

southbound said:


> Interesting comments. So, a guy can't just "like" a handjob from his wife? If he enjoys his wife's hands, it appears from reading here that he has to have a problem?


I love blow jobs. My wife loves giving them to me. It's such an intimate act for us, and we both get so turned on, that we consider that a complete sex session in and of itself sometimes.

But if I suddenly started wanting only blow jobs, rejecting other forms of connection, especially forms that bring my wife more pleasure, and on top of that got to the point that the only way I could get off is if I avoided looking at her, yes this would be a big problem.

You seem to be missing the more alarming aspects of the OP. The thread isn't about a woman baffled that her husband likes handjobs. The thread is about a woman concerned that her husband ONLY wants handjobs, DOESN'T want to see her while she's giving them, and REFUSES to talk about why.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Oh, I understand the "problem" is that the wife wants intercourse and he seems to only want hands. I realize he should be open to what she needs. I don't mean to make too much of this, I was just a little amused at some of the reasons that some gave for a man to like hands. He may have masturbated too much, be lazy, or be gay. :rofl:


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

southbound said:


> He may have masturbated too much, be lazy, or be gay. :rofl:


I can't speak for the others, but I bought up the point that his body just might be adapted to the higher pressure inherent to masturbation. A lot of guys do end up becoming desensitized to vaginal sex if they accustom their penis to need more pressure, and tighter grips, in order to feel pleasure. 

It's a very real possibility that the OP might want to ask her husband about, as he already admitted that a hand job was "more intense" than intercourse.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

jaquen said:


> I can't speak for the others, but I bought up the point that his body just might be adapted to the higher pressure inherent to masturbation. A lot of guys do end up becoming desensitized to vaginal sex if they accustom their penis to need more pressure, and tighter grips, in order to feel pleasure.
> 
> It's a very real possibility that the OP might want to ask her husband about, as he already admitted that a hand job was "more intense" than intercourse.


And the point I was making was that aging can also cause some to have less sensation and thus have a harder time with intercourse. Given the OP's husbands's age, it was just another suggestion for her to consider.

Hopefully, we are all back on track...right? Hands are good, oral is good, intercourse is good -it's all good!!!  So everyone have a GOOD weekend - whichever way GOOD is for you!!! haha


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

So you are giving him a hj and that ends the sexual encounter? Is he possibly having an affair? 

When he has sex with you do have sex with him, is it good for you, does he take care of you? Do you feel that he is at all connected to you? Any affection after the hj or sex? 

If you are unhappy or sexually unfulfilled then put a moratorium on sex. Let him know that you want to tell him how you feel. Assume he does not realize how this makes you feel. 

Be explicit about what you feel and make specific revue, go to MC because something is wrong. If he does not want to go you go yourself. That will at lest help you.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Maybe he's got performance problems. He could spank a flacid monkey but he couldn't do much else with one. It could be he either can't have vaginal intercourse or he's afraid he can't. Maybe he's ashamed to talk about it or just too indifferent to do anything about it.


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