# At a loss. Feel like I made the right decision, but second guessing myself.



## MarriageInJeopardy (Jan 14, 2016)

Hi all, 

It's been a while. Things didn't get any better, and actually got worse. We separated for a few months, but she refused to meet and talk. She'd text every few days, but that is it. I invited to to dates, no. I invited her to some events, no. I sent a e-mail to her about how I know she's not happy, but you refuse to work on us with me. One person cannot do the job of two people. I also heard of all the negative things you've beens saying about me to others. I do not stay where I am not wanted, so I've filed for divorce. I also said this is the hardest and most difficult decision I've had to make in my life. I hope you are able to find someone who will make you happy. Never heard from her again. I told the process server to serve her discreetly, she decided to be served at her office in front of everyone to see. Since filing for divorce last Summer my ex-wife delayed it until this month to sign the papers. During that time, I was legally required to pay her life insurance, medical insurance and disability premiums since she moved out until recently. Total cost was a bit over 10k. She challenged some of the divorce, whereas she wanted me to continue to pay her insurance bills through the end of 2017 or a Judge signs off on the papers; whichever happens first. I refused and she relented but only after stalling and incurring about 20k in legal bills. It's finally over and I feel lost. All friends abandoned me and it's nearly impossible to make new friends. 

I've dusted off my Match and eHarmony profiles and updated the pics, although, I still look the same as I did 7 years ago when I last access them minus the beard, maybe a little thinner. Over the past few months, I must had messaged 200 + women and received little reply. I read their profile and ask a question about their interests, no reply. Am I missing something? I had a few dates. It seems a lot of women in the area are on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety pills. I know I've been out of the dating world for a few years, but are most women 28 - 42 on RX pills? Another one didn't look anything like her pics. The other used pics from 10 + years ago.

I enjoy the freedom that I now have and that I am able to take care of myself. My health and finances are on the road to recovery. However, I am still just amazed on how she let everything die and couldn't care less. The two women I did date for a few months had similar personalities. They were on level for a couple of months, and then just dropped off the face of the Earth. They just vanish like they died or something. Is this how dating is now? 

So confused on this new world of dating and hooking up. Another woman actually told me I do not like your pics. One that I didn't feel anything for cursed and was very mean when I said it didn't look like it would work between us, but I wish you the best of luck.

It's very scary out there. It's like the wild wild west. Dating was much better before the swipe revolution. I think that's killed any chance of building a real relationship as the matches go purely on looks.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Time to regroup. First off are you working out? If not do so. There are a bunch of benefits not the least of which is endorphins and improving your appearance. Next make sure you use good shots for your profile. Preferably newer shots once you are in good shape if your not. Ask some female friends to help you pick the best ones. Also there is probably advice online on how to improve your profile, read it and follow. Next get some hobbies where you can meet up with people, this will improve your social circle and give you a broader range of options, after all dating is a numbers game. Or you can stay depressed, I suggest you attack the problem.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Why is it nearly impossible to make new friends? If you live in the USA, one good way to start making new friends is to check out the site meetup.com It's not a dating site. It's a site that lists all kinds of things to do, meetups, in your area. Where I live there are hundreds of meetups from hiking, white water rafting, book clubs, dinner clubs, gardening groups, motor cycle groups and on and on. And you just sign up and go. It's a great way to meet people.. men and women. 

I think that meeting women who like to do the same things you like to do works out better than online dating. You can get to know people before you ask anyone out on a date. It's much more low key.


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## MarriageInJeopardy (Jan 14, 2016)

sokillme said:


> Time to regroup. First off are you working out? If not do so. There are a bunch of benefits not the least of which is endorphins and improving your appearance. Next make sure you use good shots for your profile. Preferably newer shots once you are in good shape if your not. Ask some female friends to help you pick the best ones. Also there is probably advice online on how to improve your profile, read it and follow. Next get some hobbies where you can meet up with people, this will improve your social circle and give you a broader range of options, after all dating is a numbers game. Or you can stay depressed, I suggest you attack the problem.


Workout daily and uploaded new pics. Updated clothes, hair, etc. If I had female friends, I would. They left with my ex-wife. The female friends and their husbands. Not depressed, just venting and explaining my social situation. Working on some new hobbies as well.


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## MarriageInJeopardy (Jan 14, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Why is it nearly impossible to make new friends? If you live in the USA, one good way to start making new friends is to check out the site meetup.com It's not a dating site. It's a site that lists all kinds of things to do, meetups, in your area. Where I live there are hundreds of meetups from hiking, white water rafting, book clubs, dinner clubs, gardening groups, motor cycle groups and on and on. And you just sign up and go. It's a great way to meet people.. men and women.
> 
> I think that meeting women who like to do the same things you like to do works out better than online dating. You can get to know people before you ask anyone out on a date. It's much more low key.


Yes, I've tried a few of the Meetup groups. Many strange people in them as well as most are significantly older than me unless I want to drive to NYC. I am searching for others as well. I have one setup for tomorrow.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MarriageInJeopardy said:


> Yes, I've tried a few of the Meetup groups. Many strange people in them as well as most are significantly older than me unless I want to drive to NYC. I am searching for others as well. I have one setup for tomorrow.


You could always start your own startup.

I did that .. started two of them for things that I like to do. Get a good turnout.

I don't know what activities you are interested in, but there are some here that are geared towards younger ages... like white water rafting. And some of the more social ones seem to focus on certain age groups.

Anyway... just try all kinds of things. You will eventually find some thing and people that you enjoy.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

MarriageInJeopardy said:


> Yes, I've tried a few of the Meetup groups. Many strange people in them as well as most are significantly older than me unless I want to drive to NYC. I am searching for others as well. I have one setup for tomorrow.


Can't just be meetup groups they should be around a hobby.


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## ZedZ (Feb 6, 2017)

Hey same boat here...I live in Vernon...


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## MarriageInJeopardy (Jan 14, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> You could always start your own startup.
> 
> I did that .. started two of them for things that I like to do. Get a good turnout.
> 
> ...


I am looking around. Still working on myself, but my join some hiking meetups and go from there. I've found the organizers on some meetup groups have crazy power trips and act like kings and queens. Strange.


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## MarriageInJeopardy (Jan 14, 2016)

ZedZ said:


> Hey same boat here...I live in Vernon...


Tried NJ Fun Friends (https://www.meetup.com/NJFunFriends/) run by three women on a power trip. Never understood how anyone can have an ego on a Meetup group. However, there are several. https://www.meetup.com/njfriends/ isn't bad, just an older crowd usually.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

MarriageInJeopardy said:


> Hi all,
> 
> It's been a while. Things didn't get any better, and actually got worse. We separated for a few months, but she refused to meet and talk. She'd text every few days, but that is it. I invited to to dates, no. I invited her to some events, no. I sent a e-mail to her about how I know she's not happy, but you refuse to work on us with me. One person cannot do the job of two people. I also heard of all the negative things you've beens saying about me to others. I do not stay where I am not wanted, so I've filed for divorce. I also said this is the hardest and most difficult decision I've had to make in my life. I hope you are able to find someone who will make you happy. Never heard from her again. I told the process server to serve her discreetly, she decided to be served at her office in front of everyone to see. Since filing for divorce last Summer my ex-wife delayed it until this month to sign the papers. During that time, I was legally required to pay her life insurance, medical insurance and disability premiums since she moved out until recently. Total cost was a bit over 10k. She challenged some of the divorce, whereas she wanted me to continue to pay her insurance bills through the end of 2017 or a Judge signs off on the papers; whichever happens first. I refused and she relented but only after stalling and incurring about 20k in legal bills. It's finally over and I feel lost. All friends abandoned me and it's nearly impossible to make new friends.
> 
> ...


I do not know your story, but why is it only your X wife's responsibility to carry the marriage. Have you learned anything about your role in it or how you may actually be carrying the same baggage the contributed to the demise of your marriage in the first place? Instead of dating, it might be a good thing to work on yourself first.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I have very rarely seen letters like yours do anything for a woman that is clearly done with you. I'm sorry it turned out that way. It just makes you look hurt, which you clearly were, but she was no longer in a position to care. If she had cared, she would have contacted you more and went on dates when you invited her. 

Separation rarely leads to reconnection. In fact, I believe it's a sure fire way to ensure the nails get drilled into the coffin, as you experienced first hand. 

It's your life and your decision, but I'd agree with @aine that you should heal a bit first before dating. You're in a different world now... What's the rush? You're still hurt and angry.... No good date is going to cure that and in fact, finding a good woman now would probably upset you more because inside you probably know you're not ready to receive her. 

We're all different, but it took me 5.5 years of combined healing after divorce, dating (3x dates a week... It was something I had to take seriously), failing (upstanding man, we just wanted different things), re-booting (taking periodic breaks from dating to focus on self again), to find my husband. Rather, he found me at just the right time. 

OLD can be a real mixed bag but I learned that you need the following: a spine, patience, persistence, some investment without worry of loss, time (make it if you "don't have it"), money (not JUST yours), attitude, confidence, and happiness above all. If you're not healed and have not found your path to happiness, good women will know it and see it radiating from your aura.

If all you want is sex, well there are solutions that don't involve bothering with OLD.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

M.I.J. - I can tell you right now what your problem is with finding someone else to date, but it will take you a bit of time to overcome it. Your problem is you are still hurting and focused on your XW and that bitterness/hurt will come across in your profile and to the people you meet. Women are attracted to men that radiate positivity and have their lives centered and on track. When you get to the stage of being over your pain and you've got your life together then women will fight over you. Think about it this way. Have you ever walked into a room full of people and seen that people congregate around certain guys and others are left off to the side? You want to redevelop yourself to where you naturally are the guy in the center that people want to be around. Once you're that guy then people will be trying to introduce you to their single friends and people you meet online will want to get to know you. 

BTW, if you ever go on a date with a woman that you met online and she doesn't look anything like her pictures just do yourself a favor and turn around and walk out the door. You don't owe anything to someone that is dishonest and you shouldn't be giving them the gift of your time. You might feel like a jerk doing it but it will be a far more honest way to deal with that situation than to pretend (lie to them) that you are OK with it enough to finish the date. 

When I was first divorced it took me about 6 months to get to the point I was in a level enough place to date and even longer to be better off than I was before. Use this time to learn who you are, who you want to be, and then start being that person. There are a ton of really good books that can help you go through this and come out better than you ever were before. I'm speaking from experience. Work on become the best version of yourself that you can be and then the rest will come easy. But don't count on this transition being quick. It's a process and you have to go through the steps.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MarriageInJeopardy said:


> I am looking around. Still working on myself, but my join some hiking meetups and go from there. I've found the organizers on some meetup groups have crazy power trips and act like kings and queens. Strange.


LOL, I agree. But there are good ones.


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## MarriageInJeopardy (Jan 14, 2016)

aine said:


> I do not know your story, but why is it only your X wife's responsibility to carry the marriage. Have you learned anything about your role in it or how you may actually be carrying the same baggage the contributed to the demise of your marriage in the first place?


Just before posting a response like this, maybe re-read my previous posts and you'll understand.


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## MarriageInJeopardy (Jan 14, 2016)

Bananapeel said:


> M.I.J. - I can tell you right now what your problem is with finding someone else to date, but it will take you a bit of time to overcome it. Your problem is you are still hurting and focused on your XW and that bitterness/hurt will come across in your profile and to the people you meet. Women are attracted to men that radiate positivity and have their lives centered and on track. When you get to the stage of being over your pain and you've got your life together then women will fight over you. Think about it this way. Have you ever walked into a room full of people and seen that people congregate around certain guys and others are left off to the side? You want to redevelop yourself to where you naturally are the guy in the center that people want to be around. Once you're that guy then people will be trying to introduce you to their single friends and people you meet online will want to get to know you.
> 
> BTW, if you ever go on a date with a woman that you met online and she doesn't look anything like her pictures just do yourself a favor and turn around and walk out the door. You don't owe anything to someone that is dishonest and you shouldn't be giving them the gift of your time. You might feel like a jerk doing it but it will be a far more honest way to deal with that situation than to pretend (lie to them) that you are OK with it enough to finish the date.
> 
> When I was first divorced it took me about 6 months to get to the point I was in a level enough place to date and even longer to be better off than I was before. Use this time to learn who you are, who you want to be, and then start being that person. There are a ton of really good books that can help you go through this and come out better than you ever were before. I'm speaking from experience. Work on become the best version of yourself that you can be and then the rest will come easy. But don't count on this transition being quick. It's a process and you have to go through the steps.


Not bitter at all with my ex-wife. I wish her the best and hope she finds something in life to make her happy. The last year or so since we separated I've been working on myself a lot. While I am upset that the marriage ended, I know I did everything I could to save it. Somethings are just not worth saving. Never said I was perfect, however, it takes two to make any partnership work. In my OP, I was stating that I was doing everything, and my wife was doing nothing for the relationship. Hence, it failed because only one person wanted it to succeed it seemed. 

The dating scene is weird nowadays. People (I am sure both genders) use old pics instead of new ones. Or, they only post head shots and they're completely different in person. I still keep it civil and try to have a good time, but split the check. It seems they do not like the splitting the check part. I've read about 22 books on marriage and self improvement thus far. I find what the books say have some good points, however, it doesn't necessarily hold a candle in real life situations.


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## MarriageInJeopardy (Jan 14, 2016)

Satya said:


> I have very rarely seen letters like yours do anything for a woman that is clearly done with you. I'm sorry it turned out that way. It just makes you look hurt, which you clearly were, but she was no longer in a position to care. If she had cared, she would have contacted you more and went on dates when you invited her.
> 
> Separation rarely leads to reconnection. In fact, I believe it's a sure fire way to ensure the nails get drilled into the coffin, as you experienced first hand.
> 
> ...


Granted. The letter was just a way for me to get a few of my thoughts on paper and informing her of the divorce. I wanted to give a heads up and not catch her by surprise. There was no ill-will on my part. I just couldn't continue to be used like a mop any longer. She caught me in a weak moment in my life.

Yes, OLD is a weird animal. It's certainly changed over the years. Not just looking for sex. That's risky and dangerous.


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## MarriageInJeopardy (Jan 14, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> LOL, I agree. But there are good ones.


Ironically, the white water rafting one I wanted to get into finally approved me. It's in PA, but worth the drive I think.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MarriageInJeopardy said:


> Ironically, the white water rafting one I wanted to get into finally approved me. It's in PA, but worth the drive I think.


That sounds like fun. Hope it goes well.


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