# Communication Barriers



## stevencday (Oct 3, 2012)

Ok, in order to save time, I am going to make a series a statements about my relationship, and I would appreciate you guys' insights.

Been married 14 years. Best friends, share same ideals on parenting, family, recreation, spirituality, politics, home, work, movies, books, etc. Do not communicate well. She does not express emotions verbally. She has no close friends. She opens up to no one. Has a very difficult time affirming or admiring verbally or at all. Affirmation and admiration are my primary emotional needs. She had a major adversion to sex for the first 10 years or so. We have two beautiful and wonderful children. She has had a long history of verbal abuse toward me.

I am the peacemaker. The calm, caring, affectionate helper in the relationship. She is the crying screaming door slamming cussing call you an SOB bull in a china closet. The cussing, screaming, door slamming has improved dramatically in the last year.

She does not desire romance or meaningful conversation. Does not like discussing emotions or relationships.

Alright. GO!


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

and you stay because...?


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## stevencday (Oct 3, 2012)

I stay because she is the love of my life, and regardless of how frustrated or hurt I become, I look at her and she melts my heart. All I want to do is bring her happiness and fulfillment, and the progress we have made over the last year encourages me to keep trying.


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## Liam (Nov 13, 2009)

It sounds like need counseling(together, and perhaps your wife alone too) and FAST. It sounds like a situation that is going to be incredibly difficult to fix on your own, simply because it has gone on so long.


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## stevencday (Oct 3, 2012)

The progress I speak of is this.

A year ago everything came to a head and she feared she was going to lose me. She all of a sudden opened up physically and emotionally in the sexual arena. It was better than it had ever been even before we got married. She has stopped the destructive habits during discussions, and she has slowly tried to be complimentary, although not typically using emotionally resonating language.


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## MYM1430 (Nov 7, 2011)

Since your first post gave a VERY negative impression of your wife and your relationship, either you are a doormat's doormat or your past resentments have not been adequately dealt with. 

It seems from your third post that you may have retired the doormat (what led to her fear of losing you?) but not the resentments.


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

Steve, have a doctor give her a major physical examination, and have a shrink do same. Maybe there's a physical or emotional reason for her lack of efferescence in life in general. Maybe she is depressed. Maybe she has an undiagnosed physiological or mental problem. Unresolved secret issues?

Information is power.

Stay and try to work it out, but don't stay forever. She has taken you for granted too long.

You have a life too. Your life has value. Who is there for you? Nobody, it seems :-( This is not sustainable.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

stevencday said:


> The progress I speak of is this.
> 
> A year ago everything came to a head and she feared she was going to lose me. She all of a sudden opened up physically and emotionally in the sexual arena. It was better than it had ever been even before we got married. She has stopped the destructive habits during discussions, and she has slowly tried to be complimentary, although not typically using emotionally resonating language.


It sounds like she is making some progress.

Along with counseling, you should try to "reward" her for good behavior. By "reward" I don't mean presents, etc... But when she does something like argue fairly, thank her for having a rational discussion. If she is complimentary to you, make sure you let her know it was appreciated and compliment back to her.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

First of all, she does *not* have trouble expressing her feelings emotionally. If she did, there wouldn't be the angry outbursts, either. She only has problems expressing affection and gratitude, which you said are your primary needs. Because she has a pattern of emotional abuse, I'd be worried that she might be withholding affection as a subconscious way to punish you now that she can't turn loose on you.

I would highlight that difference to her and ask her to come up with three positive things to say about you or your life together every single day. It doesn't have to be big compliments, but it does need to be genuine. She needs the practice and will find herself feeling better. You'll feel closer to her. 

If she refuses, consider carefully why. Does she have reason to avoid being mildly vulnerable to you? If you've been hurtful to her, this could be a problem. You might need to ask her to give you a bit of trust and take a chance. If she won't do it purely because of a power struggle kind of reason, consider working with a professional counselor on the matter.


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## stevencday (Oct 3, 2012)

Chris Taylor said:


> Along with counseling, you should try to "reward" her for good behavior. By "reward" I don't mean presents, etc... But when she does something like argue fairly, thank her for having a rational discussion. If she is complimentary to you, make sure you let her know it was appreciated and compliment back to her.


I am very careful to validate her every time she does anything that I like, regardless of how small or large, and I always have. In the moments where she behaves differently than she has, and it is positive, I am quick to point out how much I appreciate it, and how much it warms my heart. This has been going on for the entirety of my marriage.


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## stevencday (Oct 3, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> First of all, she does *not* have trouble expressing her feelings emotionally. If she did, there wouldn't be the angry outbursts, either. She only has problems expressing affection and gratitude, which you said are your primary needs. Because she has a pattern of emotional abuse, I'd be worried that she might be withholding affection as a subconscious way to punish you now that she can't turn loose on you.


I have thought of this also. I've often wondered and spoken to counselors about her ability to share negative emotions, but not positive ones. That's not to say she does not say things like, "I love you" or "You look great" or "Thanks for this...or that" She does those things, but it is in the emotionally resonating or romantic language that she struggles. We are both very affectionate people. We hold hands in the care, while we are walking, I have my arm around her when we sit together. We hug and kiss often. Now all of that has only really been within the last few years, and it has only really translated into the bedroom within the last year.



KathyBatesel said:


> I would highlight that difference to her and ask her to come up with three positive things to say about you or your life together every single day. It doesn't have to be big compliments, but it does need to be genuine. She needs the practice and will find herself feeling better. You'll feel closer to her.


She typically really rebels against anything that I ask her to do "every day." Herein lies our primary problem. A week will go by and she does not realize it, and then she gets frustrated that I may be in need of some attention. In addition, she says that what she says, regardless of how little, IS genuine, it's just that its all she thinks about.



KathyBatesel said:


> If she refuses, consider carefully why. Does she have reason to avoid being mildly vulnerable to you? If you've been hurtful to her, this could be a problem. You might need to ask her to give you a bit of trust and take a chance. If she won't do it purely because of a power struggle kind of reason, consider working with a professional counselor on the matter.


I have never been hurtful to her on purpose. Never. I have never, not one time, ever said something that was for the purpose of causing her pain. I have hurt her, yes, but here is an example of the sentence that would hurt her.

"Hey babe, I don't know why, but I am feeling lonely right now, and I would love to spend some time with you, and it would mean a lot to me if you could take some time and share with me how and why I am so important to you."

This is the type of remark that would spark a three day long emotional-fest of crying and defensiveness. All she seemed to hear was that she was "missing it" instead of realizing that I am coming to her because I know she CAN reach me. I'm telling her she is the ONLY one who can meet my needs, and she says I am saying she isn't meeting them. It's a terrible cycle.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

You sound like a nice guy yet she still verbally abuses you (your words).

You are co-dependent on her. How come she doesn't have any friends? Does she verbally abuse your children also?


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## stevencday (Oct 3, 2012)

Emerald said:


> You are co-dependent on her. How come she doesn't have any friends? Does she verbally abuse your children also?


No, she does not verbally abuse the children, and to clarify, she does not verbally abuse me any longer. She says she does not have any friends because A: she does not have the time to cultivate them, B: she only wants to spend time with me.

I have been analyzing my behavior, desires, thoughts for many years to try and determine if I am a co-dependent. Through looking at the breakdown of what makes someone a co-dependent and also through therapy, it has been made pretty clear that I am not. There are lots of things co-dependent's do that I do not, but I am open to reconsidering it.


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## stevencday (Oct 3, 2012)

She recently revealed to me she feels like a phony. That she has to show the world this nice, sweet, caring person but that when she gets home she mistreats her husband, so she must not be nice and sweet. She says she does not have any friends because of her fear of being judged if she was simply herself. I think I have enabled this because I have challenged her to overcome selfish tendencies. I believe she considers these selfish tendencies "how she is wired" so even I, her husband, won't accept her the way she is. Which is true, I won't accept that she is simply "wired" to be selfish. But if she is, isn't it wrong for me to require she change?


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

stevencday said:


> No, she does not verbally abuse the children, and to clarify, she does not verbally abuse me any longer. She says she does not have any friends because A: she does not have the time to cultivate them, B: she only wants to spend time with me.
> 
> I have been analyzing my behavior, desires, thoughts for many years to try and determine if I am a co-dependent. Through looking at the breakdown of what makes someone a co-dependent and also through therapy, it has been made pretty clear that I am not. There are lots of things co-dependent's do that I do not, but I am open to reconsidering it.


She stopped verbally abusing you & only wants to spend time with you instead of having friends.

I'm missing what your problem is with her......


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## stevencday (Oct 3, 2012)

Emerald said:


> I'm missing what your problem is with her......


Spending time with me isn't enough for me. If she only wanted me to hold her at night and never wanted to have sex, that would be a real problem. It's the same way in this context. She wants to spend time with me, but spending that time talking about our relationship, our dreams, our hopes, her telling me what i mean to her, THAT is what I desire from our time together. Her and I being caught up in a romantic love affair is what I desire from her. Many times all she wants to do is sit and watch television together without saying a word.

Don't misunderstand me, I LOVE watching TV with her and not talking, but only when these other, more intimate emotional things are not neglected.


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## stevencday (Oct 3, 2012)

And to add to that, I LOVE that she only wants to be with me. The problem is, at times like these, when she needs a female companion to openly share with to get wisdom and perspective, she doesn't have anyone because she has never invested in someone else.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Okay I get it now. Thanks.


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