# How to tell difference between "in love" or "love" with spouse, advice anyone?



## lauren2013 (Jun 7, 2013)

*How to tell difference between "in love" or "love" with spouse, advice anyone?*

My husband of 22 years and I have gone through a rough patch in our marriage. He wanted out (for reasons he couldn't explain) I was blindsided. Long story short he decided to work it out and stay. My problem is that I cant tell if he is happy or staying for the kids only. He is not affectionate at all, no hugs, kisses or I love you unless I do or say it first. I will try to cuddle at night every now and then and he is unresponsive. When he comes home from work he is not a jerk he just seems almost business like. We used to joke around, laugh and be playful, but he seems distant all of a sudden again. I asked him if everything was ok and he said we are fine he is just very tired from working. Some days he is in a good mood and is talkative, and other days he seems quiet and very distant.Our sex life is active though which is the confusing part. (Only minor complaint is that he doesn't touch me with his hands for foreplay. He has me touch him). We have sex about 6 nights a week and we really connect, but again after we are finished he says goodnight and goes to bed. I don't know if I am being overly sensitive but I feel like we lost our "couple" in love relationship. He makes comments that when you are married as long as we are you don't act like that anymore. I don't agree I still very much want to hold hands, hug kiss and be a couple in love and not so business like. I love him and the thought of not having him in my life makes me sick. But could his behavior be trying to send me a message that he really wants out ? Or do guys just act this way and I should keep showering him with affection? How do you tell if someone is "in love" or "loves" you? There is a big difference because I want my spouse to be in love with me not love me because of our history and children. You would think after 22 years with him I would know the answers but after the last 5 months, I can't tell what he is thinking or feeling. It is very upsetting inside for me. One thing I am not proud of is that I searched his email, cell phone records and pictures every few days to see if there is another woman and I am 100% no other woman. Also he would never ever go to counseling so that is out. I have no one to talk to. I have a few friends but no one I could ask for advice so here I am online searching for advice from strangers. Any words of advice are greatly appreciated. I would love to hear from both men and women on their thoughts and similar experiences..


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

*Re: How to tell difference between "in love" or "love" with spouse, advice anyone?*

He's not in love with you. For whatever reason he's decided staying is better than leaving and here you are.

Sorry.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

*Re: How to tell difference between "in love" or "love" with spouse, advice anyone?*



lauren2013 said:


> My husband of 22 years and I have gone through a rough patch in our marriage. He wanted out (for reasons he couldn't explain) I was blindsided. Long story short he decided to work it out and stay. My problem is that I cant tell if he is happy or staying for the kids only. He is not affectionate at all, no hugs, kisses or I love you unless I do or say it first. I will try to cuddle at night every now and then and he is unresponsive. When he comes home from work he is not a jerk he just seems almost business like. We used to joke around, laugh and be playful, but he seems distant all of a sudden again. I asked him if everything was ok and he said we are fine he is just very tired from working. Some days he is in a good mood and is talkative, and other days he seems quiet and very distant.Our sex life is active though which is the confusing part. (Only minor complaint is that he doesn't touch me with his hands for foreplay. He has me touch him). We have sex about 6 nights a week and we really connect, but again after we are finished he says goodnight and goes to bed. I don't know if I am being overly sensitive but I feel like we lost our "couple" in love relationship. He makes comments that when you are married as long as we are you don't act like that anymore. I don't agree I still very much want to hold hands, hug kiss and be a couple in love and not so business like. I love him and the thought of not having him in my life makes me sick. But could his behavior be trying to send me a message that he really wants out ? Or do guys just act this way and I should keep showering him with affection? How do you tell if someone is "in love" or "loves" you? There is a big difference because I want my spouse to be in love with me not love me because of our history and children. You would think after 22 years with him I would know the answers but after the last 5 months, I can't tell what he is thinking or feeling. It is very upsetting inside for me. One thing I am not proud of is that I searched his email, cell phone records and pictures every few days to see if there is another woman and I am 100% no other woman. Also he would never ever go to counseling so that is out. I have no one to talk to. I have a few friends but no one I could ask for advice so here I am online searching for advice from strangers. Any words of advice are greatly appreciated. I would love to hear from both men and women on their thoughts and similar experiences..


Does he not care about you? I mean, no affection, but sex and a lot of it ... something is not adding up here. Go to marriage counseling and if he won't go, then go with out him and talk to a counselor. You need to feel loved and be happy in your life and he is not willing to give you what you deserve in your marriage then you need to take care of yourself. You need to be prepared to walk out on him if he will not make any effort to make you feel loved. I am sorry you are going through this.


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## whitecat (May 17, 2013)

*Re: How to tell difference between "in love" or "love" with spouse, advice anyone?*

It sounds like he has emotionally disconnected from you. Has something happened to make him feel resentment or anger towards you?


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

*Re: How to tell difference between "in love" or "love" with spouse, advice anyone?*

Read His Needs Her Needs and the Five Love Languages if you have not already done so.

It is possible to rekindle the flame.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

*Re: How to tell difference between "in love" or "love" with spouse, advice anyone?*

Why would he want to leave? You are taking care of his home and children and making love to him 6 nights a week! This is not how 99.9% of the world works. He shouldn't need a car, he should be doing cartwheels to get home to you every night. His behavior is very selfish, his needs are met, so the heck with her. As a minimum this is not sustainable over the long run, something has to give one way or the other. You need to get it marriage counseling if you hope to deal with the issues, otherwise it is a long painful road to infidelity or divorce court or both. In the immortal words of Barney Fife, "you need to nip it.....nip it in the bud".


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## lauren2013 (Jun 7, 2013)

*Re: How to tell difference between "in love" or "love" with spouse, advice anyone?*

Well, this morning I tried to have another talk with him and he told me he just isn't the affectionate cuddle person. But what gets me is he is very affectionate to the kids. Now I am not saying I am jealous because I am not he is a great dad, but why cant he want to hug and kiss me? Affection does not always mean sex, I tried telling him. 

I do agree lately he seems disconnected to me and if I keep trying to talk it out with him he will get so mad things will get worse for me. I think I will just have to keep hoping for the best, but my hopes also are that one day if he doesn't change I will have the guts to leave and find someone who will love and care for me, if that is possible in your 40s...


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

*Re: How to tell difference between "in love" or "love" with spouse, advice anyone?*

I'm pretty sure when he wanted out "for reasons he couldn't explain" there was another woman involved. I'm sorry. I know you said you are sure there isn't one, but the rest of your story sounds like there is.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

*Re: How to tell difference between "in love" or "love" with spouse, advice anyone?*

Lauren, why do you want to waste your life? Hope is a good thing, but it is not a plan, the sooner you deal with this, the quicker it will get resolved one way or the other. He will not like what you have to say 3 years from now and better than he does today, but at least it get dealt with now. What will he do? Obviously I don't know, but there is no reason to believe it will be better in 3 years. You can't keep doing the same thing and expect to get different results.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

*Re: How to tell difference between "in love" or "love" with spouse, advice anyone?*



lauren2013 said:


> Well, this morning I tried to have another talk with him and he told me he just isn't the affectionate cuddle person. But what gets me is he is very affectionate to the kids. Now I am not saying I am jealous because I am not he is a great dad, but why cant he want to hug and kiss me? Affection does not always mean sex, I tried telling him.
> 
> I do agree lately he seems disconnected to me and if I keep trying to talk it out with him he will get so mad things will get worse for me. I think I will just have to keep hoping for the best, but my hopes also are that one day if he doesn't change I will have the guts to leave and find someone who will love and care for me, if that is possible in your 40s...


counseling needed... go see a therapist.


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## lauren2013 (Jun 7, 2013)

*Re: How to tell difference between "in love" or "love" with spouse, advice anyone?*



nogutsnoglory said:


> counseling needed... go see a therapist.


I agree counseling needed but he wont go. I need to point out I know I have stated most of the bad with my husband, but every once in a while he is that man I long for, but then after a few days he goes back to being my roommate so to speak with benefits. I know that if it continues I will need to confront him and make him come clean, I am just not ready to hear the words that I don't want to hear just yet. My heart tells me he has checked out. I know he loves me but more and more I am being to see he isn't in love with me. It just crushes me beyond words.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

*Re: How to tell difference between "in love" or "love" with spouse, advice anyone?*

At the moment ALL his needs are being met and NONE of yours are.

This isn't sustainable.

I'd also bet there was another woman involved even if was just emotional.

"Reasons he can't explain" is part of the cheaters script.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

*Re: How to tell difference between "in love" or "love" with spouse, advice anyone?*

I would be surprised if there is not another woman. Yes, he's having sex with you but there doesn't appear to be a real connection. I hope he will agree to counseling because he has checked out.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

*Re: How to tell difference between "in love" or "love" with spouse, advice anyone?*



Faithful Wife said:


> I'm pretty sure when he wanted out "for reasons he couldn't explain" there was another woman involved. I'm sorry. I know you said you are sure there isn't one, but the rest of your story sounds like there is.


:iagree:

Sounds to me like there's " A stranger in your house ."
A third party is most likely involved.
Get into sleuth mode, do your background checks , so at least you can have some confirmation and peace of mind.

At the moment , you don't know exactly what you're up against.


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## Allltuvx (Jul 16, 2013)

*Re: How to tell difference between "in love" or "love" with spouse, advice anyone?*

You need marriage therapy. That he is not willing to go is odd - why would he not want that so that you discuss what you want and what is missing. You have done some of the 'other woman' searching such as checking phone and emails.

That might be hidden - does he seem to light up and appear happier as he leaves for the day or goes away?

Have you thought of going to therapy yourself over this as it is upsetting you.

Also, read the forum and learn about the 180 technique and also getting prepared for divorce or separation - should be required reading for every married person.

Not to get personal but sex 6 nights a week yet he is not intimate with hugging or hand holding or other show of affection - that is sort of odd. He now says good night or goes to bed - did he used to talk and stay around after. Also: does he do things differently like having all the lights off (like he is pretending you are someone else).

Is he going through that mid life crisis stuff.

His refusal of marriage therapy leaves more questions and frustrations and suspicions than answers.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: How to tell difference between "in love" or "love" with spouse, advice anyone?*



lauren2013 said:


> I agree counseling needed but he wont go.


So what if he will not go right now. YOU need counseling. Get into counseling for yourself. This will help you figure out how to deal with your situation and improve it.. whether that means your marriage gets better or you leave. 



lauren2013 said:


> I need to point out I know I have stated most of the bad with my husband, but every once in a while he is that man I long for, but then after a few days he goes back to being my roommate so to speak with benefits. I know that if it continues I will need to confront him and make him come clean, I am just not ready to hear the words that I don't want to hear just yet. My heart tells me he has checked out. I know he loves me but more and more I am being to see he isn't in love with me. It just crushes me beyond words.


The way things are right now you are not having your needs met but you are meeting his. That's not a marriage. Your sex life sounds like he's using you to get off. If he does not touch you then he's just using you and does not care about you in that way.

There are two books that I think could help you:

Divorce Busting

His Needs, Her Needs

Again read them for you.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

*Re: How to tell difference between "in love" or "love" with spouse, advice anyone?*



lauren2013 said:


> I agree counseling needed but he wont go. I need to point out I know I have stated most of the bad with my husband, but every once in a while he is that man I long for, but then after a few days he goes back to being my roommate so to speak with benefits. I know that if it continues I will need to confront him and make him come clean, I am just not ready to hear the words that I don't want to hear just yet. My heart tells me he has checked out. I know he loves me but more and more I am being to see he isn't in love with me. It just crushes me beyond words.


then you go to counseling and let him know that him not showing your feelings are worth his time are what you are talking about at counseling. I highly suggest you go anyway.


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