# I want porn out of my life



## eyuop

Naga's post about quitting smoking inspired me -- and I'm proud of him for taking the stand and really making a change. I'm also thrilled that others here (great folks here!) encouraged him along the way.

I would like to do the same thing. Long story short, I'm married (17 years now) with two adorable children (who are nearly both teens now). No premarital sex, no infidelity with either one of us, ever (rare but true).

As a young teen I discovered a box of porn (magazines and videos) while cleaning out an old shed (we moved to this place and the previous owners just left a bunch of crap for us to deal with). I was instantly hooked with the most incredible adrenaline rush I had ever experienced. I hid that box in another location until I finally threw it away in another dump run -- but not until I had pretty much seen everything and was hopelessly addicted. 

After that, when I got my driver's license, I would search old buildings and sometimes I would find what I was looking for. I'm no thief, and so I would just borrow it and later put it right back where I found it. I told myself I would never go to a sex shop or buy it (and I never have). I've never paid money for it, and that was one way to keep me clear of it for sometimes years at a time. I once found out that a neighbor had it (rumors) and I would sneak over, borrow it from his shed at night, and then the next night I would put it back and then borrow another bit.

Enter the internet. Free porn everywhere. It was like a dream come true. No more sneaking around. It was like free cocaine! Too good to be true! But then I was forced to truly fight the battle. Before this I was like a kid who found a cigarette butt every once in a while to smoke. Now it was like I found a Marlborough warehouse with a big sign on it that said, "free cigarettes -- no limit". 

I'm actually quite happily married. My wife knew I had struggled with porn as a teen (I told her before we were married), and for a few years I was porn free! But after we were married for several years is when the Internet porn addiction started. All it took was one weak moment alone with a computer and a search engine and I suddenly felt like that kid discovering that box all over again. Same adrenaline rush, same cold, shaky, heart-pounding sensation. 

If you have made it this far, the point of this post is to quit (again). Like the old joke about "quitting smoking is easy -- I've done it dozens of times" -- well, I have quit porn dozens of times, only to fall into the trap again. I've actually already started the "quitting". I'm a couple of months into it, and I would love to be able to say two months ago was the last time. I have not been able to bring myself to tell my wife. I don't think she would understand. She is very conservative and would most likely go through all of the insecurity things I hear women go through when their husbands confess. Some wives even leave their husbands over their confession because they feel so betrayed. I don't think she would leave me, but I would rather just spare her the grief and thinking that she isn't pretty enough, sexy enough, and all that stuff that isn't true. It has never had anything to do with her. She just happened to marry a guy who was already in a battle and now feels overwhelmed by how easy it is now to gain access to as much as I would ever desire. It is even free, since I don't have to pay for internet where we are living. 

I don't do pay sites because there is plenty of free stuff out there. No live video chat (that is a relationship with a real person and would freak the hell out of me!), no sex chat, no dating sites, no escort sites, none of that other stuff. I also have no intention on looking outside of my marriage for anything.

I've tried the blocker software. Doesn't work for me because I'm too computer save'. I can always find a way around them in a weak moment. Firewalls can't stop me, either (I could get around work firewalls no problem). No, it has to be internal. It has to be me really wanting to quit and being intentional about it. It has to be replacing porn with an increasingly healthy, intimate relationship with my wife. I need to do this for the sake of my family -- especially my daughters. I want to break completely free. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of the excuses, the justification, the internal mind games like "well, since she just rejected my advances and is not in the mood, I know what I'm doing later on when she is gone..." 

So here I am. Hold me accountable.

I do have one HUGE question. Do I have to tell my wife? Would it help or harm this process? Does she also need to hold me accountable? 

Advice? Help?


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## Hope1964

My suggestion would be to seek out a certified sex addiction counselor and get some professional help. There's some links in my signature that may help. They can discuss the pros and cons of telling your wife. If what you say is true, I'm of two minds about telling her. One the one hand, you aren't cheating, by pretty much anyones definition (assuming you're telling the whole truth here). On the other hand, if you're truly addicted, coming clean to those you've hurt is one of the 12 steps.

Patrick Carnes writes about porn and sex addiction, and specifically cyberporn. This book helped my hubby

http://www.amazon.ca/In-Shadows-Net-Breaking-Compulsive/dp/1568386206

He did more serious things than you, but it's a matter of degrees. This is Carnes' website

Sex Help, Sex Addiction Help & Therapy, Treatment for Sex Addiction

There are also TONS of online groups to help with porn - have a look around for one that suits you and join it.

Good luck and good for you.


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## AWorkInProgress

Eyuop-

Do you HAVE to tell your wife??? Tough question....

I was aware my husband struggled with sexual addiction before we got married. It was my understanding that he was 'recovered' and that it didn't have a strong hold on him anymore... I was mistaken...

...I discovered a few things on his computer and cell phone and, to be honest, felt blind-sided...
... I went through the standard questions (am I not enough? not pretty enough? sexy enough? good enough in bed?)....if you decide to tell your wife, most likely she'll ask those questions too....

...I wish you could tell your wife... Yes, it's gonna hurt her (but there is always this underlying time bomb of whether she'll discover something or not)...

Doe sthe stress of your wife not knowing add to your desire to escape by getting that dopamine rush that porn can give? It seems to be a source of fuel.... by keeping this 'secret' in the dark...it gives it life...shine the lightof day on it by making yourself accountable to someone in your life who has influence on you... 

I hope this message board gives you the encouragement you need when you feel like you are struggling.. but it is no match for a real person that can give you the 2x4 across the head when you need it...

Just my opinon....

Praying fervently for you and your wife!

Congratulations on two months sobriety... That deserves recognition!!


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## eyuop

Hope1964 said:


> My suggestion would be to seek out a certified sex addiction counselor and get some professional help. There's some links in my signature that may help. They can discuss the pros and cons of telling your wife. If what you say is true, I'm of two minds about telling her. One the one hand, you aren't cheating, by pretty much anyones definition (assuming you're telling the whole truth here). On the other hand, if you're truly addicted, coming clean to those you've hurt is one of the 12 steps.
> 
> Patrick Carnes writes about porn and sex addiction, and specifically cyberporn. This book helped my hubby
> 
> In the Shadows of the Net: Breaking Free of Compulsive Online Sexual Behavior: Amazon.ca: P., Delmonico, D., Griffin Carnes: Books
> 
> He did more serious things than you, but it's a matter of degrees. This is Carnes' website
> 
> Sex Help, Sex Addiction Help & Therapy, Treatment for Sex Addiction
> 
> There are also TONS of online groups to help with porn - have a look around for one that suits you and join it.
> 
> Good luck and good for you.


Thank you so much for the links. Yes, I am telling the whole truth here. No infidelity, just a closet addict who has tried numerous times to quit for good to no avail. I'm going to simply start with online help first. I may need professional help in the future, and I appreciate your advice very much. What that means is that you are probably right and I'm just a bit chicken at the moment to go there .

Thanks again!


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## eyuop

AWorkInProgress said:


> Eyuop-
> 
> Do you HAVE to tell your wife??? Tough question....
> 
> I was aware my husband struggled with sexual addiction before we got married. It was my understanding that he was 'recovered' and that it didn't have a strong hold on him anymore... I was mistaken...
> 
> ...I discovered a few things on his computer and cell phone and, to be honest, felt blind-sided...
> ... I went through the standard questions (am I not enough? not pretty enough? sexy enough? good enough in bed?)....if you decide to tell your wife, most likely she'll ask those questions too....
> 
> ...I wish you could tell your wife... Yes, it's gonna hurt her (but there is always this underlying time bomb of whether she'll discover something or not)...
> 
> Doe sthe stress of your wife not knowing add to your desire to escape by getting that dopamine rush that porn can give? It seems to be a source of fuel.... by keeping this 'secret' in the dark...it gives it life...shine the lightof day on it by making yourself accountable to someone in your life who has influence on you...
> 
> I hope this message board gives you the encouragement you need when you feel like you are struggling.. but it is no match for a real person that can give you the 2x4 across the head when you need it...
> 
> Just my opinon....
> 
> Praying fervently for you and your wife!
> 
> Congratulations on two months sobriety... That deserves recognition!!


You are so right about everything you said. Thank you for praying... I mean that. I'm sorry that you were blindsided and went through all of that. It makes me feel deeply hurt inside because I see how it hurt you and I really don't want my wife to hurt like that. Hearing you say those things in response brought some tears up from somewhere. Maybe it is because I've been so nervous about telling her for so long and angry at myself, too. That stupid 14 year old boy who's parents were going through a divorce in the midst of finding out his father was terminally ill -- I wish so bad I hadn't started all this in the first place. At the time it felt like it was helping me through all of the pain. Now it is just simply a pain itself. 

Man this is dredging up a lot of painful feelings. I wasn't ready for this to happen. A 2x4 just might help me. 

Sometimes I get so pissed off at us men and all of our sexual hangups and shenanigans when I read these forums; and then all of the desperate cries from the women for help for their situations. I wonder how many tears have been cried because of porn. Probably fill the Great Lakes? 

Thanks for trying to understand and for your encouragement.


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## bamaboy

Go To Sexaholics Anonymous at What is Sexaholics Anonymous? for help. Find a local chapter and go to a meeting. Its a big step, but it will help if you let it. It's a 12 step program for men and women. mostly men. It a supportive group and the only way to get that monkey off your back. It will help stay sober and understand whats happening and why you have lost control.


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## eyuop

Just checking back in. I'm doing really well. 

A side note is that I just got a picture sent to me of my beautiful new little niece who was just born. Her pink little face, eyes closed and hands tucked under her chin reminds me of the beauty of life, birth and renewal. I'm really looking much more forward to life and what I can offer those around me -- my wife, children, and others. I feel I have much more to give now for some reason. It isn't like I was suicidal or depressed before -- but a weight is certainly off of my shoulders.


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## eyuop

Okay, yesterday was tough. I was alone for while at home. Hadn't had sex for 3 days (getting to bed too late, wife not interested, not much non-sexual affection, either). I was feeling a little starved. 

I visited a website (heart pounding), clicked on a random video. About a minute into it I felt guilty and shut it off, even though I was turned on. Didn't masturbate. Decided to wait for later that night for the real thing. The real thing happened (and it was good), however by that time I felt some resent about having to wait until I was feeling so starved sexually. 

I realized something about myself. My wife doesn't show much physical affection (never has, even when we dated). I crave it, and so we had a discussion about this. I'm almost always the one who tends to initiate affection in public or in private.

Funny story. At a gathering at a friend's house we all watched a movie. I sat on the floor and my wife sat on the couch behind me. My daughter (she's 11) sat next to my wife on the couch. Part way into the movie I could feel fingers running gently through my hair (I have longer, thick hair). I was surprised because my wife hardly ever shows any sort of affection like that. After a minute I looked back and it turned out it was my daughter playing with my hair (she adores me, of course!). I was both happy and sad. Before I made the discovery I felt like for a moment everything was okay in my relationship with my wife. I thought she was showing spontaneous affection, which communicates to me that she is okay with me and our relationship. I didn't realize how much that kind of affection means to me. It doesn't mean the same thing to her.

In our discussion about affection later, I told her this story. She reminded me that she was never very affectionate (her family is not affectionate at all, mine is). She said that she needed more verbal affirmation from me (that she is doing a good job, that I'm proud of her, etc.), and that touch didn't communicate the same thing for her. 

Then I discovered something I was shocked to find out. She said that she knows our libidos are mismatched and she said sometimes she avoids physical affection with me throughout the day because she said it would just make me want sex even more than I do already. So in other words, she was intentionally starving me of affection because she didn't want to fuel my drive. She felt guilty that she "couldn't keep up" and thought that being less affectionate would make it easier for me. She has noticed that when she is affectionate during the day it communicates to me that she is ready. So when she isn't ready, she simply shows less affection.

From my side of things, I told her that this is a huge source of my anxiety. Since nearly the only time affection happens is in the bedroom, I'm starving for affection and I have equated sex with "affection time", too. Full body massages, cuddling, etc. She doesn't need near as much affection and physical touch as I do (although she doesn't mind the massages). I explained that if she showed more affection throughout the day it didn't mean I was going to jump her bones that night. In fact, my libido would probably decrease some because I have now connected my need for affection and how I'm only getting that need fulfilled during sex. If she showed me affection throughout the day on a regular basis, I wouldn't feel so anxious; I could relax knowing that she is still okay with me, and maybe we could just talk and cuddle ourselves to sleep.

Anyway, a peek through the window of my life. I didn't realize that starving for affection was one of my porn triggers. I now know, and I hope to still keep giving porn the boot. It also explains the kind of porn I watched. I liked the "porn for women" better, because it involves more touching and caressing; it was about giving and receiving pleasure. So I was vicariously wishing I could touch and be touched like that. I'm now going to practice more verbal affirmation and hopefully my wife will (after our discussion) practice more physical affection. Things could get a lot better.


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## Hope1964




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## sadsally

thank you for sharing


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## eyuop

You are welcome sadsally.

I read your other thread... I'll post over there. It feels good to have someone just "listen" and at least try to understand.


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## yours4ever

good progress.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thebes

My husband has never showed me much non sexual love. I got to where I never showed him any. I thought maybe he wasn't into the romantic stuff and I guess he wasn't but it kept me from wanting to have sex. Just never really get that turned on without it.


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## badcompany

I was going to ask a bunch of questions that post #8 answered.
I think many of the HD people who have a LD spouse fill in the "gap" with porn and would never cheat on their SO, and if the needs were equal it wouldn't be happening.
It's promising that she seems to get it and looks like she'll try to step it up a bit.


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## eyuop

Thebes said:


> My husband has never showed me much non sexual love. I got to where I never showed him any. I thought maybe he wasn't into the romantic stuff and I guess he wasn't but it kept me from wanting to have sex. Just never really get that turned on without it.


This is a vicious cycle. Just watch any soap opera. When a woman begins to show that she is attracted to a man (that means sexually), he begins to do things. He is flattered and quickly moves into "romantic" mode. I remember the first time I found out that a girl was interested in me sexually. I felt like I was walking on air. I would have done just about anything for her. I would have climbed Mt Everest. I would have carved her name in the highest tree in the forest or blown my entire savings just to see her smile.

But when a mean feels like a women is not interested in him sexually, something happens to him. Slowly but steadily he begins to feel like less than a man. All of the wind is taken out of his sails. On the soap opera, it plays out visually when the woman starts walking around wearing frumpy clothes and wearing the proverbial curlers in her hair. The guy no longer feels like the knight in shining armor, but rather he feels like that poor, disrespected peasant you see in the movies.

From the woman's side, she can't figure out why her once "knight in shining armor" is now acting like that disrespected peasant. The light in his eyes is gone. He seems unmotivated. No more romance -- he doesn't seem to have it in him any more. He seems so helpless and just wants to have sex. He feels "needy" and clingy, so she isn't in the mood. Hardly ever, in fact. How could she be? How can you get excited about a man like that -- a mere shadow of his former self? No respect.

So the cycle continues until the man (or woman) finds someone else and suddenly that spark happens again. If it is the man, a woman notices him and sees him as that "knight in shining armor" again. He dusts off his armor and polishes his sword. He jumps back into the saddle and suddenly is in bed with a lusty woman who makes him feel alive again. The romance fire kindles into full brightness and he will do anything for her -- even ruin his marriage and pay child support and alimony for years.

If it is the woman, she suddenly finds herself drawn to a man who has that twinkle in his eye -- full of life and vigor -- a man going somewhere and hinting that he wants her to go there with him. Hell, he might be viewed by his own wife as a disrespected peasant -- but in her eyes he looks like a knight -- and he acts like one, too! He sees her interest in him and the fire is kindled.

See what is happening? 

I was that knight once to my wife. I recently (after 17 years of marriage) found myself feeling like that peasant. I started viewing porn and felt so helpless and needy with her low libido and never really acting at all like she was interested in me in the least. I watched other couples kissing in the park and wished I feel that feeling of having a woman desire me again. But on the flip side, I was losing her the same way you just wrote. I was trying to still be romantic, but my efforts were feable and what I really wanted was her to just be into me again like she used to be. She viewed my attempts at romance as just a way to get sex. But for a man, a woman's desire for sex is the measuring stick for how into a man she is. It isn't just the sex itself, but the desire for it -- for him. Guys feel very connected to a woman emotionally during sex if she is into him. If she isn't, the act will just frustrate the hell out of a guy.

All that to say -- if you are caught in this cycle, you and your partner need to do something to change it or the marriage will most likely fail and someone else will end up with the princess or the knight that was there all along but couldn't thrive.


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## eyuop

Well, it has been almost a month since I've started this thread. 

I've slipped up once. I guess that means I still get anxious when she is PMS-ing; but we are communicating a lot better.

Thanks again for all of the encouragement. It helps me to reread this thread when I'm feeling those all-too-familiar urges.

I've come to the conclusion that we all desire the same thing, really. We want to be loved, validated and respected. We want to feel the thrill of another person enamored with us. We want that closeness and connection, coupled with passion and tingles of pleasure that only accompany a deep and satisfying love life. The problem is, in our pursuit of all of this, we hurt each other and often end up with the opposite. We settle for substitutes and compromises.

Enough of all of that... Onward!


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## Thebes

eyuop said:


> This is a vicious cycle. Just watch any soap opera. When a woman begins to show that she is attracted to a man (that means sexually), he begins to do things. He is flattered and quickly moves into "romantic" mode. I remember the first time I found out that a girl was interested in me sexually. I felt like I was walking on air. I would have done just about anything for her. I would have climbed Mt Everest. I would have carved her name in the highest tree in the forest or blown my entire savings just to see her smile.
> 
> But when a mean feels like a women is not interested in him sexually, something happens to him. Slowly but steadily he begins to feel like less than a man. All of the wind is taken out of his sails. On the soap opera, it plays out visually when the woman starts walking around wearing frumpy clothes and wearing the proverbial curlers in her hair. The guy no longer feels like the knight in shining armor, but rather he feels like that poor, disrespected peasant you see in the movies.
> 
> From the woman's side, she can't figure out why her once "knight in shining armor" is now acting like that disrespected peasant. The light in his eyes is gone. He seems unmotivated. No more romance -- he doesn't seem to have it in him any more. He seems so helpless and just wants to have sex. He feels "needy" and clingy, so she isn't in the mood. Hardly ever, in fact. How could she be? How can you get excited about a man like that -- a mere shadow of his former self? No respect.
> 
> So the cycle continues until the man (or woman) finds someone else and suddenly that spark happens again. If it is the man, a woman notices him and sees him as that "knight in shining armor" again. He dusts off his armor and polishes his sword. He jumps back into the saddle and suddenly is in bed with a lusty woman who makes him feel alive again. The romance fire kindles into full brightness and he will do anything for her -- even ruin his marriage and pay child support and alimony for years.
> 
> If it is the woman, she suddenly finds herself drawn to a man who has that twinkle in his eye -- full of life and vigor -- a man going somewhere and hinting that he wants her to go there with him. Hell, he might be viewed by his own wife as a disrespected peasant -- but in her eyes he looks like a knight -- and he acts like one, too! He sees her interest in him and the fire is kindled.
> 
> See what is happening?
> 
> I was that knight once to my wife. I recently (after 17 years of marriage) found myself feeling like that peasant. I started viewing porn and felt so helpless and needy with her low libido and never really acting at all like she was interested in me in the least. I watched other couples kissing in the park and wished I feel that feeling of having a woman desire me again. But on the flip side, I was losing her the same way you just wrote. I was trying to still be romantic, but my efforts were feable and what I really wanted was her to just be into me again like she used to be. She viewed my attempts at romance as just a way to get sex. But for a man, a woman's desire for sex is the measuring stick for how into a man she is. It isn't just the sex itself, but the desire for it -- for him. Guys feel very connected to a woman emotionally during sex if she is into him. If she isn't, the act will just frustrate the hell out of a guy.
> 
> All that to say -- if you are caught in this cycle, you and your partner need to do something to change it or the marriage will most likely fail and someone else will end up with the princess or the knight that was there all along but couldn't thrive.


There was a time I did all of that but still yet never got what I wanted just for once for him to say that he loved me or give me a compliment. What I got instead was told I didn't look good to him or turn him on but the porn did. Stupid me still yet tried but when he said he shouldn't have to tell me he loved me I stopped. I'm suppose to be happy with him just being here, well I'm not and he knows what I want. 

Then when I found the nude pictures of the 18 year old he cheated with at 44 I knew I was fighting a losing battle. I'm done with trying to please him until he apologizes for the insults and tells me he loves me. 

The only thing I am sure about is that he will cheat again if he gets the chance. I saw him throw a package of kool aid in the floor one day at Wal Marts just so he could get a look at some teenagers rear end. She had a t shirt on with a bikini underneath. Then another time he followed a girl around the store looking at her big boobs.

The only thing that will change next time he cheats is I will too. Plus I'm going to kick him out.


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## Regga

My WH has a serious addiction to internet porn. It's extremely difficult for me to cope with because I don't like porn and I know I have insecurities. But, what hurt me the most about his addiction was the secrecy. The more he looked at porn, the less he wanted me, the more bitter I became and couldn't understand what was happening. He kept reverting to the porn and I didn't know what was happening. I started taking it out on others who got his attention, because I wasn't getting what I needed. And then when I discovered the DARK secret, (and fell off the cliff of marriage) it rocked us! 
After his EA and PA and my EA, we realized our definitions of affection were different. The ground breaking "5 Languages of Love" helped use understand how we communicate our love to each other. "A Couple's Guide to Sexual Addiction" by Paldrom Collins and George Collins helped us understand and break down the addiction to porn. 
I have reverted back to my old addictions as I try to cope with yet another man cheating on me. I can't tell you how many times during my short life I have tried to stop smoking! So I 'get' the addiction. But just as I know smoking will eventually kill me, and porn will eventually kill my marriage, we tredge through slowly trying to help hold each other accountable and teach each other about our faults in order to build better foundations. When we tell each other about our bad days and how many times we 'cheated' by smoking or looking at porn, we forgive ourselves. We still feel guilty, we know everyday is a battle, but we know the secrets of the addiction do not control us. It's nice to feel a little more in control by knowing what your spouse is up to.
Good luck! I know Candeo (online) was also a GREAT resource for my husband. It's a program you work to help re-direct your addiction.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl

eyuop,

There are counselors who specialize in breaking porn habits/addiction. I think that it would benefit you quite a bit to get help from one. Let this person help you with if and how to tell your wife. You are most likely going to have to tell her as secrets are very bad in marriage.

Also keep in mind that you are going to need help with the changes this brings to your marriage. The porn has been a relieve valve for you. You saw this the other day when you were home alone and did not have the affection you had needed. You might be needing more from your wife. The two of you might very well need to get into some marriage counseling as well.


Here is a video for you. It might help.

Your Brain On Porn | Evolution has not prepared your brain for today's Internet porn.


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## eyuop

Thebes said:


> There was a time I did all of that but still yet never got what I wanted just for once for him to say that he loved me or give me a compliment. What I got instead was told I didn't look good to him or turn him on but the porn did. Stupid me still yet tried but when he said he shouldn't have to tell me he loved me I stopped. I'm suppose to be happy with him just being here, well I'm not and he knows what I want.
> 
> Then when I found the nude pictures of the 18 year old he cheated with at 44 I knew I was fighting a losing battle. I'm done with trying to please him until he apologizes for the insults and tells me he loves me.
> 
> The only thing I am sure about is that he will cheat again if he gets the chance. I saw him throw a package of kool aid in the floor one day at Wal Marts just so he could get a look at some teenagers rear end. She had a t shirt on with a bikini underneath. Then another time he followed a girl around the store looking at her big boobs.
> 
> The only thing that will change next time he cheats is I will too. Plus I'm going to kick him out.


I'm sorry to hear you are in this situation. I know when things move into real life cheating (rather than just viewing porn) it gets a lot tougher. A lot of trust has been broken, which is tough for a marriage to survive. Have the two of you gone through any counseling? One thing I know for sure. If you are resenting him and waiting for him to change before you can give yourself to him, it will backfire. This is called a "crazy cycle". If you stand on his air hose (so he can't breathe), then he will stand on yours (so you can't breathe). The result is that both of you suffocate. You have lost respect for your husband, which gives him (in his mind) every excuse in the world to do the stuff he does. It doesn't mean what he has done or is doing is justified (he has majorly screwed up, literally). It just means that the crazy cycle never works.


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## eyuop

EleGirl said:


> eyuop,
> 
> There are counselors who specialize in breaking porn habits/addiction. I think that it would benefit you quite a bit to get help from one. Let this person help you with if and how to tell your wife. You are most likely going to have to tell her as secrets are very bad in marriage.
> 
> Also keep in mind that you are going to need help with the changes this brings to your marriage. The porn has been a relieve valve for you. You saw this the other day when you were home alone and did not have the affection you had needed. You might be needing more from your wife. The two of you might very well need to get into some marriage counseling as well.
> 
> 
> Here is a video for you. It might help.
> 
> Your Brain On Porn | Evolution has not prepared your brain for today's Internet porn.


Thanks for the link. Very interesting, and it is stuff that I have already confirmed before I watched it.

As far as needing more from my wife, this is true. I honestly don't know if this is something realistic for me to want to see change in her. She just doesn't need affection very often. I suppose she could learn to show me more affection, but it would be for my sake, not hers. She also doesn't need to express her feelings verbally very much, either. She's happy with sex about 1 or 2 times a week. She is happy driving in the car for 6 hours with barely saying a word to me or ever touching me, even though I'm in the front seat next to her.

I know secrets are not good in a marriage. I'm trying to find the best way to break it to her, and I really want to be porn free for a while before I do this, so when she asks me when the last time I looked at porn I can tell her it was X amount of months ago. Somehow I think this will help, but maybe I'm fooling myself. Also, I want to see if there are any changes in me, and see if she notices anything different in the way I'm doing life with her.


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## eyuop

Regga said:


> My WH has a serious addiction to internet porn. It's extremely difficult for me to cope with because I don't like porn and I know I have insecurities. But, what hurt me the most about his addiction was the secrecy. The more he looked at porn, the less he wanted me, the more bitter I became and couldn't understand what was happening. He kept reverting to the porn and I didn't know what was happening. I started taking it out on others who got his attention, because I wasn't getting what I needed. And then when I discovered the DARK secret, (and fell off the cliff of marriage) it rocked us!
> After his EA and PA and my EA, we realized our definitions of affection were different. The ground breaking "5 Languages of Love" helped use understand how we communicate our love to each other. "A Couple's Guide to Sexual Addiction" by Paldrom Collins and George Collins helped us understand and break down the addiction to porn.
> I have reverted back to my old addictions as I try to cope with yet another man cheating on me. I can't tell you how many times during my short life I have tried to stop smoking! So I 'get' the addiction. But just as I know smoking will eventually kill me, and porn will eventually kill my marriage, we tredge through slowly trying to help hold each other accountable and teach each other about our faults in order to build better foundations. When we tell each other about our bad days and how many times we 'cheated' by smoking or looking at porn, we forgive ourselves. We still feel guilty, we know everyday is a battle, but we know the secrets of the addiction do not control us. It's nice to feel a little more in control by knowing what your spouse is up to.
> Good luck! I know Candeo (online) was also a GREAT resource for my husband. It's a program you work to help re-direct your addiction.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks for the recommendations. I appreciate your input, and it helps me to hear some of your story. One main difference I see in my story is that I honestly don't see how porn has subtracted anything from my wife's side of the equation. In other words, she is getting all of the sex and intimacy she needs. When I was porn free for 2 years (we lived in a foreign country with no access at all to porn) things weren't any different. The only thing that was different was that I was the one always feeling like I didn't have enough affection and sex. Resentment would build, and emotionally the only "pressure relief valve" I had was masturbation. Typical mismatched libido problems.

In your case, you said, "The more he looked at porn, the less he wanted me, the more bitter I became and couldn't understand what was happening. He kept reverting to the porn and I didn't know what was happening. I started taking it out on others who got his attention, because I wasn't getting what I needed."

What you are saying above isn't happening to my wife. I've never cheated on her, and if anything she gets more attention (both affection and sex) than she needs or wants. Porn for me has always been "supplemental". I'm not justifying it, nor do I want it any longer in my life. I'm just saying that when I break the news to her she isn't going to have the same response. Her response is going to be something like, "I thought everything was going really well with our sex life and I don't understand why you would do this to me -- why you would desire to look at other women who you don't even know having sex. Am I not beautiful to you anymore? I thought you loved me. You tell me all of the time that you love me, think I'm beautiful, and that I'm your princess... am I really?" That is what I think her response is going to be. I am really not looking forward to hearing this because I do love her dearly. She is my princess. She is beautiful.


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## Regga

Yes, I do think you are mismatched with your wife's libido. The comparison that I was making is that the sexual drive becomes an escape. For me, the lack of a sexual drive to me gave me the excuse to take my anger out on others.

I bet you are right with what your wife is going to ask you. It does feel like that: "why do you look at other women when you say I'm enough for you." If the tables were turned and you were to find her looking at other men, would you not have the same reaction? Men say they are visual creatures...so are women. Women dress up for other women, not men. Women dress up and cultivate a sexual environment to rule out other women...at least, that's how I see it. (And I really could be screwed up on that train of thought!!!) 

I hate the fact my WH looks at other women. I hate other women for dressing up better than I do to attract his attention. I'm mad at other women stealing the thunder I should have with MY HUSBAND. 

I know the problem of his sexual addiction lies within him...but it has seeped its way into my problem: am I good enough? I don't deserve this, but here I am...again.

I had to explain to my mother that telling my WH not to look at the things that tempt him, is like telling a normal person not to look at the color orange. Orange is not everywhere, but when you see it, it stands out and catches your eye. Porn in this world is similar to the color orange. It's not absolutely everywhere, but when you see it, it catches your eye.

Understanding your addiction is crucial...getting her to understand the addiction is key. It's not to give you the excuse to say "I look at porn because I'm addicted;" it's to become open and forthcoming with your wife about how to help you cope with your addiction.

I don't have the answers. I don't have all the questions. I just know, I feel deceived when my husband is not forthcoming with me.


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## eyuop

Regga said:


> Yes, I do think you are mismatched with your wife's libido. The comparison that I was making is that the sexual drive becomes an escape. For me, the lack of a sexual drive to me gave me the excuse to take my anger out on others.
> 
> I bet you are right with what your wife is going to ask you. It does feel like that: "why do you look at other women when you say I'm enough for you." If the tables were turned and you were to find her looking at other men, would you not have the same reaction? Men say they are visual creatures...so are women. Women dress up for other women, not men. Women dress up and cultivate a sexual environment to rule out other women...at least, that's how I see it. (And I really could be screwed up on that train of thought!!!)
> 
> I hate the fact my WH looks at other women. I hate other women for dressing up better than I do to attract his attention. I'm mad at other women stealing the thunder I should have with MY HUSBAND.
> 
> I know the problem of his sexual addiction lies within him...but it has seeped its way into my problem: am I good enough? I don't deserve this, but here I am...again.
> 
> I had to explain to my mother that telling my WH not to look at the things that tempt him, is like telling a normal person not to look at the color orange. Orange is not everywhere, but when you see it, it stands out and catches your eye. Porn in this world is similar to the color orange. It's not absolutely everywhere, but when you see it, it catches your eye.
> 
> Understanding your addiction is crucial...getting her to understand the addiction is key. It's not to give you the excuse to say "I look at porn because I'm addicted;" it's to become open and forthcoming with your wife about how to help you cope with your addiction.
> 
> I don't have the answers. I don't have all the questions. I just know, I feel deceived when my husband is not forthcoming with me.


Maybe this will help you from a male perspective. Feeling attraction cannot be helped. This applies to women, too. We cannot help feeling attracted to others in the real world. It is what you do with those feelings that matters. When I go to a mall, I'm attracted to all kinds of women. But this initial attraction doesn't mean that my wife isn't attractive to me. In fact, I know my wife both knows me and loves me and because of this my feelings for her run deeper than just initial attraction.

You said, "I hate the fact my WH looks at other women. I hate other women for dressing up better than I do to attract his attention. I'm mad at other women stealing the thunder I should have with MY HUSBAND."

I would bet that you also have looked at other men and found them attractive, too. Oh, there are different factors (maybe not only looks, but also the way he moves and interacts with others, or his status.) The fact is, your husband is completely normal if he is finding other women besides you attractive. However, he has to choose what to do with those feelings.

I'm very susceptible to women who are more "touchy-feely", since my wife is not naturally very affectionate. There have been several times in my married life when another woman has simply placed her hand on my arm or given me a nudge or prod in communication and I immediately am aware of my attraction level going up towards her. I have to then be extra careful and deal with my feelings in a responsible way.

I don't see porn in the same way at all as real-life relationships. I've mentioned before that what has attracted me to porn isn't necessarily the looks of the ladies, but the passion and connection they portray. They could be older and less physically attractive than my wife -- but if they appear to be into what is happening and really enjoying giving and receiving pleasure, then I'm turned on. Sure, who doesn't like to see attractive bodies (both men and women like "eye candy) -- but that isn't all it is about. In fact, some scenes in porn have absolutely gorgeous women who are yawn boring in the way they participate; and it's a big turn off.

My wife isn't competing with any porn star women. She doesn't need to. She is beautiful (to others, too -- not just to me). The niche that porn filled for me wasn't that she wasn't beautiful enough, sexy enough, or whatever. It was living vicariously through situations where women were really into the men they were with. That is honestly all it was about. I'm using past tenses on purpose, because I have chosen to longer do this and to face the reality that maybe I need to do some things and change some things in me so my wife can get more into me than she appears to me to be. When I say "into me" I don't just mean sexually. I mean emotionally, affectionately, etc.

Here is a little story to illustrate how guys see girls. A long long time ago (when I was in high school ), I knew two girls who didn't like each other. Well, at least one didn't like the other girl. One girl was naturally gorgeous. She had it all in the physical looks department. But she wasn't very poised and graceful. She also didn't portray an openness about her. She was reserved and awkward in her social mores. Don't get me wrong, she was "drop dead" gorgeous. But the guys weren't nearly as attracted to her as that "other" girl -- the one she didn't like. The other girl wasn't poster perfect by any means. She was nice looking in a more "cute" sort of way. But five minutes around her and every guy was intoxicated with her. She was full of grace, poise, confidence and was an absolute ball to be around. She was flirty, but in the sort of way that just made you feel really good about yourself. She always had more male attention than she really wanted -- and yet she always made every guy feel like they were special to her in some way. She was an expert at attraction and could drive guys wild. But if you put her full body picture next to the other girl's picture, there was no comparison. Without ever meeting the two and only seeing their pictures, the "awkward" girl would win every time. That is why she hated the other girl so badly. She couldn't figure out what it was about her looks that drove the guys wild. She knew she was more beautiful, gorgeous and well-stacked and it drove her to drinking!

Guys really aren't as shallow as some women might like to believe. And if only they could understand that porn isn't about competing with bombshell models and thinking that they aren't good looking enough.


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## twowheeltravel

You have to literally hate it and what it does to you. Several minutes of temporary pleasure followed by self loathing for giving in and feeling so pathetic and powerless against it. Porn is like the siren call that seduces you to venture closer to the rocks till its too late. Root it out of your life and take drastic measures if need be. Lead your body as a slave not the other way around. Ask for help from someone who can help you be accountable. Look up the feedtherightwolf website for further ideas that might help you.


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## eyuop

twowheeltravel said:


> You have to literally hate it and what it does to you. Several minutes of temporary pleasure followed by self loathing for giving in and feeling so pathetic and powerless against it. Porn is like the siren call that seduces you to venture closer to the rocks till its too late. Root it out of your life and take drastic measures if need be. Lead your body as a slave not the other way around. Ask for help from someone who can help you be accountable. Look up the feedtherightwolf website for further ideas that might help you.


Thanks for the advice. I've actually tried hating it. Can't say that this worked, as it was simply self-deception. It's like trying to convince myself that I hate ice cream. What I can hate, however, is knowing what you mentioned -- that it possibly leads to things far worse (infidelity, etc.). That I can most certainly hate and fear. 

Porn has been in my life (however, not constantly) for around 30 years. Yet I never had premarital sex, never dated until college (and only dated the woman I ended up marrying), and have been married for almost 18 years with zero infidelity. However, I'm not kidding myself. I understand there can be a cumulative affect over time and all it might take is the wrong situation and I could end up crashing like a jetliner out of fuel. That's one of the reasons I've finally decided to give it up completely.


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## Nsweet

I saw this thread when it started and I really should have spoken up back then, but I didn't. It just so happens that I'm on this other forum with a bunch of guys who struggle with internet porn addiction and detox themselves. The forum is not about porn/masturbation addiction at all, but there just so happens to be some guys there encouraging each other to break the habit. And they talk about going from sometimes as much as a six ejaculation a day masturbation habit to going a hundred or more days without any release.

From the discussions I've had with them, the worst of the worst had great results with a zero tolerance policy and wearing a male chastity device for 30 days. Something like this: Welcome to CB-X.com - World Leader in Male Chastity , but fair warning it's going to cost $150. So it really is a last ditch effort if you lack self control. And then besides that the diet many use is one similar to one men with prostate problems would follow, so no caffeine, chocolate, and tomatoes(if I remember right). I know some had had good results with things like chaste berry supplements, but I can't be to sure if they actually work. There's a couple sites often recommended like this one: Uncle Bob's Porn Addiction Recovery Tips | Your Brain On Porn But you can probably find more out there.


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## MarkTwain

eyuop said:


> If you have made it this far, the point of this post is to quit (again). Like the old joke about "quitting smoking is easy -- I've done it dozens of times" -- well, I have quit porn dozens of times, only to fall into the trap again.


Very interesting. This is the trap that many people who are addicted to various things make. I made it too. I wrote a thread on it here.

Anyway, the trick is to not feel guilty when you fall off the wagon. Pat yourself on the back for lasting as long as you did, and jump right back on.

It is also vital, in my opinion to have a reason to stop. When I gave up weed, I wanted to give myself the gift of perfect health. I noticed that I kept falling off the wagon and feeling guilty. This became an all too familiar cycle.

So I changed things up a bit. I decided to increase the length of time between smokes. No pressure, but it _was _a commitment. Eventually I got to 4 years. At that point I knew I was free.

As for telling your wife. It depends on her personality. Personally, I don't like secrets. But it could devastate her. It's *your *call.


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## eyuop

Nsweet said:


> I saw this thread when it started and I really should have spoken up back then, but I didn't. It just so happens that I'm on this other forum with a bunch of guys who struggle with internet porn addiction and detox themselves. The forum is not about porn/masturbation addiction at all, but there just so happens to be some guys there encouraging each other to break the habit. And they talk about going from sometimes as much as a six ejaculation a day masturbation habit to going a hundred or more days without any release.
> 
> From the discussions I've had with them, the worst of the worst had great results with a zero tolerance policy and wearing a male chastity device for 30 days. Something like this: Welcome to CB-X.com - World Leader in Male Chastity , but fair warning it's going to cost $150. So it really is a last ditch effort if you lack self control. And then besides that the diet many use is one similar to one men with prostate problems would follow, so no caffeine, chocolate, and tomatoes(if I remember right). I know some had had good results with things like chaste berry supplements, but I can't be to sure if they actually work. There's a couple sites often recommended like this one: Uncle Bob's Porn Addiction Recovery Tips | Your Brain On Porn But you can probably find more out there.


Interesting. I could easily be "chaste" for 30 days, so I don't need to spend any money. I'm feeling a lot less addicted already after reading your post .


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## eyuop

MarkTwain said:


> Very interesting. This is the trap that many people who are addicted to various things make. I made it too. I wrote a thread on it here.
> 
> Anyway, the trick is to not feel guilty when you fall off the wagon. Pat yourself on the back for lasting as long as you did, and jump right back on.
> 
> It is also vital, in my opinion to have a reason to stop. When I gave up weed, I wanted to give myself the gift of perfect health. I noticed that I kept falling off the wagon and feeling guilty. This became an all too familiar cycle.
> 
> So I changed things up a bit. I decided to increase the length of time between smokes. No pressure, but it _was _a commitment. Eventually I got to 4 years. At that point I knew I was free.
> 
> As for telling your wife. It depends on her personality. Personally, I don't like secrets. But it could devastate her. It's *your *call.


Great advice, thanks! Very encouraging.


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## just got it 55

eyuop said:


> Naga's post about quitting smoking inspired me -- and I'm proud of him for taking the stand and really making a change. I'm also thrilled that others here (great folks here!) encouraged him along the way.
> 
> I would like to do the same thing. Long story short, I'm married (17 years now) with two adorable children (who are nearly both teens now). No premarital sex, no infidelity with either one of us, ever (rare but true).
> 
> As a young teen I discovered a box of porn (magazines and videos) while cleaning out an old shed (we moved to this place and the previous owners just left a bunch of crap for us to deal with). I was instantly hooked with the most incredible adrenaline rush I had ever experienced. I hid that box in another location until I finally threw it away in another dump run -- but not until I had pretty much seen everything and was hopelessly addicted.
> 
> After that, when I got my driver's license, I would search old buildings and sometimes I would find what I was looking for. I'm no thief, and so I would just borrow it and later put it right back where I found it. I told myself I would never go to a sex shop or buy it (and I never have). I've never paid money for it, and that was one way to keep me clear of it for sometimes years at a time. I once found out that a neighbor had it (rumors) and I would sneak over, borrow it from his shed at night, and then the next night I would put it back and then borrow another bit.
> 
> Enter the internet. Free porn everywhere. It was like a dream come true. No more sneaking around. It was like free cocaine! Too good to be true! But then I was forced to truly fight the battle. Before this I was like a kid who found a cigarette butt every once in a while to smoke. Now it was like I found a Marlborough warehouse with a big sign on it that said, "free cigarettes -- no limit".
> 
> I'm actually quite happily married. My wife knew I had struggled with porn as a teen (I told her before we were married), and for a few years I was porn free! But after we were married for several years is when the Internet porn addiction started. All it took was one weak moment alone with a computer and a search engine and I suddenly felt like that kid discovering that box all over again. Same adrenaline rush, same cold, shaky, heart-pounding sensation.
> 
> If you have made it this far, the point of this post is to quit (again). Like the old joke about "quitting smoking is easy -- I've done it dozens of times" -- well, I have quit porn dozens of times, only to fall into the trap again. I've actually already started the "quitting". I'm a couple of months into it, and I would love to be able to say two months ago was the last time. I have not been able to bring myself to tell my wife. I don't think she would understand. She is very conservative and would most likely go through all of the insecurity things I hear women go through when their husbands confess. Some wives even leave their husbands over their confession because they feel so betrayed. I don't think she would leave me, but I would rather just spare her the grief and thinking that she isn't pretty enough, sexy enough, and all that stuff that isn't true. It has never had anything to do with her. She just happened to marry a guy who was already in a battle and now feels overwhelmed by how easy it is now to gain access to as much as I would ever desire. It is even free, since I don't have to pay for internet where we are living.
> 
> I don't do pay sites because there is plenty of free stuff out there. No live video chat (that is a relationship with a real person and would freak the hell out of me!), no sex chat, no dating sites, no escort sites, none of that other stuff. I also have no intention on looking outside of my marriage for anything.
> 
> I've tried the blocker software. Doesn't work for me because I'm too computer save'. I can always find a way around them in a weak moment. Firewalls can't stop me, either (I could get around work firewalls no problem). No, it has to be internal. It has to be me really wanting to quit and being intentional about it. It has to be replacing porn with an increasingly healthy, intimate relationship with my wife. I need to do this for the sake of my family -- especially my daughters. I want to break completely free. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of the excuses, the justification, the internal mind games like "well, since she just rejected my advances and is not in the mood, I know what I'm doing later on when she is gone..."
> 
> So here I am. Hold me accountable.
> 
> I do have one HUGE question. Do I have to tell my wife? Would it help or harm this process? Does she also need to hold me accountable?
> 
> Advice? Help?


If you can't handle this on your own and quit cold turkey You may need help. Write your wife a letter pledging to her 100% OF YOUR SEXUAL ENERGY.No MB only her. This will pay off more than you can imagine.You will not miss the porn if she responds.


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## just got it 55

eyuop said:


> Thanks for the advice. I've actually tried hating it. Can't say that this worked, as it was simply self-deception. It's like trying to convince myself that I hate ice cream. What I can hate, however, is knowing what you mentioned -- that it possibly leads to things far worse (infidelity, etc.). That I can most certainly hate and fear.
> 
> Porn has been in my life (however, not constantly) for around 30 years. Yet I never had premarital sex, never dated until college (and only dated the woman I ended up marrying), and have been married for almost 18 years with zero infidelity. However, I'm not kidding myself. I understand there can be a cumulative affect over time and all it might take is the wrong situation and I could end up crashing like a jetliner out of fuel. That's one of the reasons I've finally decided to give it up completely.


Delete all you porn links now. Make your wife your addiction


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## totallywarped

ok I'm a little torn here cause I'm leaning towards don't tell her and get some counseling. here's my reasoning... (mind u I'm a little pis$ed right now. I figured out how to see what DH is searching on FB and just like I thought he's looking up titty groups. A step up from porn but I'm still mad. An alcoholic doesn't get a "sip" and a porn addict doesn't get bra & thong pics!!)

1) you get to relieve your guilt and in the process make her feel like sh*t.
2) she shouldn't have to "police" you. You're a [email protected] adult she's your wife not your mother
3) if she's like myself she will become OBSESSED with policing you, my DH is a computer tech with constant access to laptops/computers. I can't seem to "police" him enough and the constant thought of what he *might* be doing at work drives me insane. No one should have to live like this.
4) it will kill her self esteem; Why aren't I enough? I'm not thin enough or pretty enough so he has to look else where...
5) you will fail and crush her a little more each time


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## totallywarped

btw I truly believe porn is a "gate way drug" At some point it won't give you that rush anymore so then you'll venture into live porn then you'll need to chat w/them (craigslist, dating sites & message boards) then if you still haven't got caught you'll meet up w/them. It's all about that rush...


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## eyuop

So far so good. I'm not seeking counseling, but I am reading a lot on the topic (which is sort of like getting free counseling). I did have one momentary relapse, but I'm not letting it get me down.

Meanwhile, I still haven't told my wife. She is Low Drive (LD), and this fact doesn't really bother her. She doesn't have the needs I have so she cannot relate in the slightest and why should I expect her to relate to something she cannot feel herself. Telling her will not help me, and will only hurt her. Lose-lose.

If porn is a "gate way drug", then it hasn't worked very well on me. 30 years running and I view it far less now than a I used to. Zero live anything, no infidelity. 

My wife has always been my only sex partner -- ever (no premarital sex). I've only met 3 other couples in my lifetime that honestly married as virgins.

However, I do believe that continuing to view porn could lower my defenses if I'm truly tempted again with a "real" woman. I've already been strongly tempted in the past (mostly before I was married, but also once during, too).

Anyway, she could never police me for the same reason you can't police your husband. Advanced Linux user here... 'nuff said. If I found out she was viewing porn I wouldn't care in the least and would never try to police her. I might be curious about what she was watching, but that's about it. But if I found out she was signing up to dating sites or using craigslist, that might get my feathers ruffled a bit and start some serious red flags waving!

Why aren't men usually crushed if they find out their wives are viewing porn? I've also always wondered if homosexuals are crushed if their SO is caught viewing porn. Hmmm...

Anyway, I don't want to crush her and I'm sure if I fail again in the future it would probably crush her again. This just sucks.


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## Regga

Eyuop, I appreciate your response. My WH doesn't view model porn...it's amatuer. Freaks me out bc I always wonder if he knows them. The EA and PA he had heightens the worry. His is a true and dark addiction. Counseling and family support is necessary for recovery. It's terrifying how much it affects him...and me!
If your wife loves you and you love her, why not ask for her support in what you are struggling with? You say it's a lose-lose situation, but my knowledge behind understanding the craze of porn has helped me improve my relationship with my WH.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## eyuop

just got it 55 said:


> If you can't handle this on your own and quit cold turkey You may need help. Write your wife a letter pledging to her 100% OF YOUR SEXUAL ENERGY.No MB only her. This will pay off more than you can imagine.You will not miss the porn if she responds.


This cracked me up. She already thinks she gets 100% of my sexual energy and the 50 (or so) percent she gets is already too much for her. She already thinks what she is getting is too much; why would she respond to more? No MB? Yeah... sure. I'll be waiting for that "response" 'till the cows come home and I won't be able to fall asleep with that sexual nagging feeling. I'm not even really high drive -- just normal drive (3 times a week). But I feel very high drive compared to her.

I've gone without porn for periods as long a 2 years (no access, lived in a foreign country with no internet). I focused 100% of my sexual energy on my wife, and she didn't like it. She just ends up feeling frustrated that I wanted to have sex so often (2 to 4 times a week). 

Bottom line is she just isn't very into me. She says she loves me, she says she is into me. She tells me I'm good looking, etc. She's actually quite encouraging. But I know when a woman is into a man, and that isn't what I have. Somehow I need to make some changes.

I have a brother who is very "alpha" male. He gets more a$$ than a toilet seat. He has probably slept with over 50 different (and hot) women in his lifetime. He is taller than me by 3 inches (6 foot 6 inches), but I'm way stronger than he is and could totally kick his butt. However, he has the charm and charisma thing really going and is just very alpha in every way (flirty bad boy, self-centered, confident, wears designer clothes and latest fashions, drives fancy rigs, good dancer, has tattoos, horrible father, third marriage, life of the party, alcoholic... yeah). I'm definitely much more of a beta. Strong moral fiber, loyal, good dad, loving, serving, nice guy, treat my wife like a queen, keep good friendships, etc. I'm well groomed and decently dressed and keep myself clean and smelling good. I exercise regularly and I am strong for my weight (170 -- bench 220; can easily do over 20 pullups in row without stopping). But I've only had sex with one woman. Ever. My wife.

The only answer I've been seeing at the moment is to learn a bit from my brother and become more alpha. Get that drive going to totally kick a$$ and win. Turn the tables on my wife and quit pushing her for sex and just ignore her completely unless she wants it. Start flirting with other women more. I'm just way to nice, and I'm probably boring her to tears. I'm sick and tired of being the needy one in the relationship. I've been reading that this is huge turn-off. I'm one of the nicest, most decent and caring guys any woman has ever met. I'm about to become an a$$h'le in comparison. Confidence, boldness, strength -- yup. I'm ready to go alpha. Maybe this is the only thing that will kick her sex drive into gear. A little jealousy wouldn't hurt, would it?


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## Katia1010

I am new to this forum. I say good for you "eyuop"! I wish my husband would seek help. I am hurting so bad and after 35 years of marriage I am wondering why my husband (being 62 years old) jeopardized our marriage by posting x-rated comments to women who would never spend 5 minutes with him. 
I am very sad, hurt, and angry.


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## eyuop

Katia1010 said:


> I am new to this forum. I say good for you "eyuop"! I wish my husband would seek help. I am hurting so bad and after 35 years of marriage I am wondering why my husband (being 62 years old) jeopardized our marriage by posting x-rated comments to women who would never spend 5 minutes with him.
> I am very sad, hurt, and angry.


I'm sorry you are going through this. He is wrong to venture into this arena and hurt you like this.

Was this on an adult forum/chat with online women? I know this is a huge temptation for men because it feels safe. It is a real person but they are not physically present. 

This isn't really porn (in my view), however I doubt he was trying to jeopardize his marriage. Men do these things for the thrill/rush of feeling young again. I personally know an older women who was doing the same thing online with younger men. She wanted to still feel like a young woman and did everything to be attractive to younger men (going the "cougar" route). When her husband died she started dating men 25 years younger.

I'm not excusing your husband's behavior. I'm simply saying that is isn't abnormal and has roots in needs he feels aren't being met. If he has been viewing porn for many years, he may have a desire to act out some of his fantasies in a "safe" way through online chat. Even though porn is a bad idea, one thing it does do vicariously is make a man feel alive sexually. I don't know what your sex life is like with him, or if he feels alive sexually with you or not. People who venture outside of their relationships often do so because they are unsatisfied in their relationship. Sometimes people simply think their wife/husband is just being greedy by doing this, but in reality it usually isn't greed. It usually has roots in needs being left unmet -- and often those needs are not the same needs the spouse has. In my case, needs being unmet is making it very difficult for me to let go of porn. (My main needs are more affection of the non-sexual sort, and regular sex 3 times a week).


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## Katia1010

My husband has been viewing porn for many years. I believe since he was adolesent. I know you will agree with me when I say there has been huge changes in the porn industry. When we were young and newly wed, I would view porn with him on VHS and did some reading in small mags in what they used to call "forum" at the time. It was exciting - we were young - we experimented with different things. After a while the children came and I grew tired and was not available as much for him. He started viewing more and more video porn and his fetish for interacial porn came into existance. Loving my husband, I agreed to participate in his fantasy of having a black man as a partner while he watched - he was not a cuc, he just explained it as him being a voyeur. I liked it, I had fun - he took polaroids. Time when on and his video porn viewing became more frequent. Since we had children, he wanted us out of the house to view and masterbate and would pick arguments with me so I would leave. He was also doing drugs and drinking and going out the his buddy's quite a bit as well. I fell into the manipulation and would leave the house so that there would be no arguing and the kids wouldn't hear us yelling. This went on for years with the video collection growing into large black plastic bags full of them marked with the women's names on them. Hurt, angry and abandoned I shut myself down and took care of my children and developed friendships with my co-workers and would socialize with them while my husband drank and watched porn. I never flirted or had an affair. Computers were now entering the world. Needless to say he was there from the very beginning with newsgroups, yahoo groups etc. After a while the computer printer would constantly run out of ink and needed to be replaced often. I then found looseleaf binders full of women's picutures he would print from the computer - okay it hurt, but he was home. My work schedule was such that I was out of the house the same time as my children and his was such that he was home early in the mornings. He would set up his computer with bookmarks and e-mail usernames and I was not aware of any of it. This went on for years until my children went off to college. I was an empty-nester, lonely and crying. It took some time for us to find each other again, but we did. I was happy. I never stopped loving my husband and wanting his attention, but always found it difficult because of all these women he was viewing and giving himself to. I felt small and boring compared to them..inadequate. I found myself agreeing to another meet up with another black man. I enjoyed the experience, but was extremely shy because being older and heavier in weight with my self-esteem in the toilet it felt awkward. My husband still took pictures and watched while we had sex. This scenario happend again with another guy and same thing he watched and took photos. What I didn't know was that he was visiting many porn sites under different usernames and posting sexual comments under pictures and videos. In all our years of marriage my husband never ever and I mean never ever touched my breasts and now I was reading under these pics how he wanted to touch these women in places that he either never done or said to me! I was crushed. I completely broke down after I found women in-boxing messages and asking him if he wanted to chat. I swear I saw a chat box opened one time where he would type something, go off the page to look at something else, come back and type some more. I remember saying to him..."hello! I am sitting right here"! He denied he was chatting. He denys chatting with anyone to this present day. I cannot prove it even if he does it or not. We are now older. He is 61 and I am 58 and in March of this year I found a new username, e-mail address and new sites that he is a member of. I googled and yahoo'ed his username and came up with more comments and I am now at the point of breakdown. I suspected something because of the urgency to click off in a hurry when I walked past the computer room. He visits Tumblr, fetish sites, xhampster...he is eveywhere...commenting. I found an e-mail address set up quite nicely with posted links categorized under different female parts of the body. He still insists that he looks for picutres and never never chats. I don't believe him. I am going insane with hurt and will say again.... After 35 years together jeopardizing a marriage by writing comments under a teen, wife, amateur, pro or ****s picture or video for someone who would never spend 5 minutes with him is crushing and extremely painful. Where do I go...I have nowhere to go...so I stay.


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## eyuop

Katia1010 said:


> My husband has been viewing porn for many years. I believe since he was adolesent. I know you will agree with me when I say there has been huge changes in the porn industry. When we were young and newly wed, I would view porn with him on VHS and did some reading in small mags in what they used to call "forum" at the time. It was exciting - we were young - we experimented with different things. After a while the children came and I grew tired and was not available as much for him. He started viewing more and more video porn and his fetish for interacial porn came into existance. Loving my husband, I agreed to participate in his fantasy of having a black man as a partner while he watched - he was not a cuc, he just explained it as him being a voyeur. I liked it, I had fun - he took polaroids. Time when on and his video porn viewing became more frequent. Since we had children, he wanted us out of the house to view and masterbate and would pick arguments with me so I would leave. He was also doing drugs and drinking and going out the his buddy's quite a bit as well. I fell into the manipulation and would leave the house so that there would be no arguing and the kids wouldn't hear us yelling. This went on for years with the video collection growing into large black plastic bags full of them marked with the women's names on them. Hurt, angry and abandoned I shut myself down and took care of my children and developed friendships with my co-workers and would socialize with them while my husband drank and watched porn. I never flirted or had an affair. Computers were now entering the world. Needless to say he was there from the very beginning with newsgroups, yahoo groups etc. After a while the computer printer would constantly run out of ink and needed to be replaced often. I then found looseleaf binders full of women's picutures he would print from the computer - okay it hurt, but he was home. My work schedule was such that I was out of the house the same time as my children and his was such that he was home early in the mornings. He would set up his computer with bookmarks and e-mail usernames and I was not aware of any of it. This went on for years until my children went off to college. I was an empty-nester, lonely and crying. It took some time for us to find each other again, but we did. I was happy. I never stopped loving my husband and wanting his attention, but always found it difficult because of all these women he was viewing and giving himself to. I felt small and boring compared to them..inadequate. I found myself agreeing to another meet up with another black man. I enjoyed the experience, but was extremely shy because being older and heavier in weight with my self-esteem in the toilet it felt awkward. My husband still took pictures and watched while we had sex. This scenario happend again with another guy and same thing he watched and took photos. What I didn't know was that he was visiting many porn sites under different usernames and posting sexual comments under pictures and videos. In all our years of marriage my husband never ever and I mean never ever touched my breasts and now I was reading under these pics how he wanted to touch these women in places that he either never done or said to me! I was crushed. I completely broke down after I found women in-boxing messages and asking him if he wanted to chat. I swear I saw a chat box opened one time where he would type something, go off the page to look at something else, come back and type some more. I remember saying to him..."hello! I am sitting right here"! He denied he was chatting. He denys chatting with anyone to this present day. I cannot prove it even if he does it or not. We are now older. He is 61 and I am 58 and in March of this year I found a new username, e-mail address and new sites that he is a member of. I googled and yahoo'ed his username and came up with more comments and I am now at the point of breakdown. I suspected something because of the urgency to click off in a hurry when I walked past the computer room. He visits Tumblr, fetish sites, xhampster...he is eveywhere...commenting. I found an e-mail address set up quite nicely with posted links categorized under different female parts of the body. He still insists that he looks for picutres and never never chats. I don't believe him. I am going insane with hurt and will say again.... After 35 years together jeopardizing a marriage by writing comments under a teen, wife, amateur, pro or ****s picture or video for someone who would never spend 5 minutes with him is crushing and extremely painful. Where do I go...I have nowhere to go...so I stay.


Woah... that's just a painful story. I commend your bravery to share all of that. You sound very stuck and helpless, and yet I know that you aren't. You do have options. I would ask other forum posters who have been through similar things what your options are. I would suggest marriage counseling. My wife and I have done it, and it is well worth it. He is obviously a sex addict and you have enabled his actions -- even participating in illicit sex at his requests. It sounds like in the beginning you enjoyed it a bit, but find that for him it has continued to grow and for you it was a passing fad.

You have to decide what is best for you. I would suggest working on you -- yourself. Do what you need to do to get healthy and find joy in doing the things that make you feel fulfilled. If there is something you would like to pursue learning, do it. You can't change your husband, but you can take life by the throat and change you and the direction you are going in. You just have to make the choice to go for it.

I'm doing the same. I'm getting porn out of my life and doing the things I've been neglecting to do. I'm dreaming again and going after life in a new way. I'm getting physically more fit than I ever have before in my life, learning new things, and taking more risks. Maybe it is just mid-life crisis... but whatever it takes!

Praying that you will find forgiveness in your heart and peace and confidence to move forward in life with a new sense of significance and purpose.


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## Viz

I'm no expert but it seems to me that porn fills a void left by a marriage which leaves you little or no outlet for sexual expression, and you are a very sexual person.

To be honest, porn isn't the problem as I see it. In fact better that than what most guys do (cheat on their wives). Your wife should consider herself lucky that you aren't out cheating on her and risking bringing VD into the marriage. 

You aren't a eunuch man. I'd talk to my wife about it. Try to spice things up. Maybe (just MAYBE!) she feels the same way you do and thinks you aren't interested in her!

Make it clear you think she is sexy as hell and you want her now! She might feel like you aren't interested in her. Sometimes it really helps to talk. You might be surprised at what you find out.


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## eyuop

Viz said:


> I'm no expert but it seems to me that porn fills a void left by a marriage which leaves you little or no outlet for sexual expression, and you are a very sexual person.
> 
> To be honest, porn isn't the problem as I see it. In fact better that than what most guys do (cheat on their wives). Your wife should consider herself lucky that you aren't out cheating on her and risking bringing VD into the marriage.
> 
> You aren't a eunuch man. I'd talk to my wife about it. Try to spice things up. Maybe (just MAYBE!) she feels the same way you do and thinks you aren't interested in her!
> 
> Make it clear you think she is sexy as hell and you want her now! She might feel like you aren't interested in her. Sometimes it really helps to talk. You might be surprised at what you find out.


Great advice. I appreciate your encouraging words. We've been talking and (although haven't told her about the past porn thing yet) we have taken a "love language" test. It turns out that her love language is words (like words of encouragement, appreciation, etc.). Mine is physical touch (no surprise there). So when I want to show her my love and appreciation, I touch her. Not usually in sexual ways, but just a hand on her leg, a hug, a kiss, or pull her onto my lap and just watch TV or something. That is my love language, and although she is okay with it, it isn't what really "does it" for her. She needs me to tell her more than "I love you". She needs me to tell her why I love her and what it is specifically that I find amazing about her. She needs to be encouraged and appreciated with words, not just physical touch. 

For me, it is the opposite. She could tell me all day that she loved me and why, and although it would be nice, it doesn't communicate to me that she loves me. Only physical touch does that. She isn't normally affectionate, and so I've felt very unloved in my marriage at times, even though she tried to tell me (using her love language) that she loves me and thinks I'm the greatest. 

The problem is, when I'm feeling starved physically (affection and sexually) I get negative. I start getting more critical and edgy. I'm frustrated and so I certainly don't give compliments and words of appreciation. In fact, I can be really impatient and jump on her about things. This, in turn, makes her feel like I do not love her and she cannot get turned on. She will even resist my attempts at affection (which are my way of trying to make up to her for being so negative).

Now that I know this, I'm hoping we will get out of this crazy cycle and start really communicating love the ways that really speak to each other.


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## richie33

My wife and I have to do the love language test. You described my marriage.
I need psychical touch....she needs me to express myself. I try my best but its not easy
for me cause growing up I learned to keep quiet, very verbally abusive family. 
I do try but not the way she needs. Causes a lot of issues. I want to meet her needs but 
its hard when she is not meeting mine. I need that hug, that kiss, that smile after a long day.
When she is unable to do that I hold resentment and then can't / won't give her what she needs.
Its a bad cycle. Thankfully we have a lot of love for one another so we keep fighting
the good fight for our marriage.
About the porn. I don't know exactly how long its been but I know its well over a year for me being
without it. But your never free of it. Its a struggle. I will never say I will never look again...that would be foolish.
But I agree the access of it is way easier than it ever was with smart phones and computers. 
I quit smoking for 3 years and I never once considered myself a non smoker. I would never label myself as a non porn guy 
now either. Good luck on your journey.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## eyuop

richie33 said:


> My wife and I have to do the love language test. You described my marriage.
> I need psychical touch....she needs me to express myself. I try my best but its not easy
> for me cause growing up I learned to keep quiet, very verbally abusive family.
> I do try but not the way she needs. Causes a lot of issues. I want to meet her needs but
> its hard when she is not meeting mine. I need that hug, that kiss, that smile after a long day.
> When she is unable to do that I hold resentment and then can't / won't give her what she needs.
> Its a bad cycle. Thankfully we have a lot of love for one another so we keep fighting
> the good fight for our marriage.
> About the porn. I don't know exactly how long its been but I know its well over a year for me being
> without it. But your never free of it. Its a struggle. I will never say I will never look again...that would be foolish.
> But I agree the access of it is way easier than it ever was with smart phones and computers.
> I quit smoking for 3 years and I never once considered myself a non smoker. I would never label myself as a non porn guy
> now either. Good luck on your journey.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks! Appreciate the encouragement!
Good luck on your journey, too.


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## eyuop

Well, my wife and I had an interesting discussion last night. 

It had been a couple days without sex. I was focusing all of my sexual energy on my wife -- no masturbation, no porn. My wife knows that I love spontaneity and that I'm naturally spontaneous. Yesterday I saw a window of opportunity to whisk my wife somewhere and make love. She basically shut the whole thing down.

Later that evening, however, at a later-than-usual time (the kids are in bed, she's watched her favorite TV programs, all of her routines are done), she dressed all sexy (neglige). That is my cue that she is either in the mood (which is rare) or is at the very least willing to have duty sex for turning me down earlier. I can always tell when she isn't in the mood (which is most of the time) because she will dress in just plain-jane tank tops and plain undies.

I was totally turned off. For one, after she turned me down I left and masturbated (somewhat out of spite (no porn)). I had a lot of pent up sexual energy and I wanted her very bad. So needless to say after that I wasn't feeling the same urge I felt in the afternoon for her.

She told me she was confused by my little afternoon pursuit and would have liked it better if I wasn't trying to lead her into sex with it. She said she just wasn't ready; but now (at 11:00pm) she was more prepared and ready. 

Well I wasn't prepared, nor ready. In another thread (Sexual Experimentation) I tried to mix things up a few nights ago -- took control, went a bit Alpha, and broke our routine -- but she was uncomforatable with the change and she told me she is still comfortable with "our" sex the way it always is.

Here is where things went all bummer. I tried to explain to her that I've been trying to make some changes. She asked me what changes. I said I was really trying to focus all of my sexual energies on her alone for the past couple months. She then told me she had noticed that my drive seemed higher and she had enjoyed the sex that we have been having (for the most part, until I changed things up). Then I said the wrong thing. I used an analogy. I said I feel like I'm a person who needs breakfast, lunch and dinner. But I feel like you only want breakfast. My breakfasts are great with you, and I enjoy them. But I'm not sure what to do when I'm hungry for lunch and dinner and you aren't.

She started to cry. On her neglige. What a drag. She then told me that she doesn't know how to keep up and constantly feels guilty about that. She also said that she needs to know what she is doing right, not what she is doing wrong -- and that if I communicated in that way maybe it would help. She said she doesn't need as much sex as I do and she also is satisfied with the sex she does get and enjoys it a lot. She said she wished I could just be happy with her. (I'll move into first person now -- she said): "I thought things were getting better. It takes a lot of emotional and physical energy for me to have sex and I finally felt like in the last couple months we were having more sex and things were great. And then you changed it up and pushed it up another level. It seems like the more I give the more you want. I try, but it seems like I can never do enough. I want you to be okay with me. I fear having these conversations because I always find out that you aren't satisfied with our sex life and it seems like it is always my fault."

I reminded her at this point in our conversation that I was okay with her. I loved her and desired only her. I enjoy our times together, whether they are sexual in nature or not. But I can't help the fact that I'm higher drive. Then I asked her this question: "What would you like me to do?"

She surprised me. She said she didn't expect me to focus all of my sexual energy on her. She said it would be a relief if I didn't. She said she would rather I just masturbated and not complain about her low drive any more -- and just enjoy our times together. She said she needed encouraged, not discouraged -- and that her love language (words of affirmation) gets squashed when I talk about how she isn't able to perform and that I'm unsatisfied.

I apologized about squashing her with my words. I told her that I'm in a catch 22. If I cannot bring up issues with our sex life without you feeling squashed, then the issues naturally remain unresolved. If I bring up the issues, I squash you and they still go unresolved. This is a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" quandary.

She told me she doesn't like the way I bring stuff like this up because it always makes her feel terrible because it sounds like I am blaming her. She then said that if I could be more positive and tell me what I liked about our sex life and maybe suggest things that we might enjoy I would be open to hear and respond to what I have to say in a better way. 

So I asked her, "So how would I bring up the idea that I want to have about three times more sex with you than what we already have without you feeling squashed?"
She started crying again. Sh!t!

I told her I felt like she wasn't into me. She completely denied that she wasn't into me and said she loves me and desires me. She said she has always loved me deeply and desires me. She gave me a zillion compliments and said her drive is in no way an indicator of how into me she is or isn't. I still had trouble believing her. In my mind I keep thinking that when women are truly into a guy they want to have lots of hot sex with him. Am I wrong about this?

I suck at this, obviously. I don't know what to do. I love her deeply, and I hate to see her cry -- especially dressed in a sheer, purple neglige and a thong. She looks so dang hot, too -- even when she is crying. Dammit. No sex tonight, though.


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## sparkyjim

eyuop,

I just discovered this thread ... Give me time to catch up. You write well and I really feel for you.

Just a brief comment - although your wife is LD compared to you she sounds like a good woman. I kind of have a little envy here. Wishing you the best...


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## jaquen

This seems to have morphed away from a thread about battling a porn addiction to the battles inherent between HD and LD partners. I'll just address the original porn addiction issue for now.

It's commendable that you're trying to dislodge porn from your life. What works in your favor is that you felt porn was a problem for you independent of your wife. You're not trying to give up something for her, but for yourself. That really is the best possible ground to build recovery on. 

- Drop the shame and the guilt. Recovery is a process and accept that there is always the possibility that you will slip. Accept that you are a fallible human being who is working to get stronger, and healthier, and keep it moving. Condemnation and self loathing are your worst friends. They also tend to do nothing but break you down and make you even more vulnerable to slipping into your particular poison. It's a vicious cycle. Free yourself of it.

- Addictions are about feeding a legitimate need illegitimately. There is a reason why you continue to be drawn to porn, and those reasons are healthy, vital, and necessary. You just found an inadequate, base activity to try and fill up your need; like trying to satiate a starving person with jelly beans. In your particular case it seems porn is feeding a deep, unmet need for affection, love, and validation that started decades ago. You are in a relationship with porn because it's a cheap, easy way to meet your emotional needs. The problem is that, as you've discovered, it's an illusion. It doesn't really meet those needs, it just feels like that in the moment. However once the orgasm happens you realize that you're in exactly the same place you were before the clip. Just as broken, just as needy, with just as much longing. 

- Find your root issue(s) and begin finding healthy ways to fulfill your needs. That's going to be the greatest gift you can ever, ever give yourself in this regard; embrace those needs, do not be ashamed of your needs, and go about making your needs a priority. Because you've had a long history of shame surrounding porn you might have developed a shame around the internal needs that porn is poorly helping satiate. Try and separate your feelings about porn from your feelings about the root reasons you are using porn.

- It's not easy to break an addiction thanks to the easy availability of porn. Today's porn addiction is similar to a sugar or food addiction; it's everywhere. And just like the food addict has to find the strength and resolve to live in a world surrounded by food, you too can find the strength to live in a world bursting with easily accesible porngraphy.

- Prayer. If you're a praying man, pray. I believe prayer to the Lord can be the most vital advantage you can have. Pray for strength, pray for truth, and open yourself up to the Lord in a very real way. Let him know your every thought, your every worry, your every weakness, your every temptation. Be brutally and bluntly transparent. This not only establishes a trust with God, and a faith in him, but it also keeps you totally transparent with yourself. This brings light to the darkness and gives you the greatest help you can ever have. We all need that ever present help in times of trouble, that person who will accept us where we are and empower us to be better than what we ever have been before. The more you draw near to him, the more he will draw near to you. 

- Only you can decide if your wife needs to know. It might help with your struggle to inform her of your weakness in this regard. Do you feel you need her to help make you accountable? I know you're worried about how she will take it, but it can be very difficult to handle addictions alone. If not her do you have other people, or places, that you can go to and be transparent about your issues? This doesn't help everyone, but it does help a lot.

- Obviously your LD, disconnected wife is going to make a break from porn that the more difficult. While the root issues of your porn addiction likely have nothing to do with her, her lack of affection and her refusal to meet your sexual-emotional needs is fueling the fire. She's helping make you more vulnerable to turning to the illusions and deceptions that porn provides. You have to be honest with yourself. If you take this journey of really facing the deep, unmet needs you have and decide that you need to fulfill them in order to be a whole, healthy, vital man, do you believe your wife will be a help to that journey or a hinderance?


You can kick this, and be better off for it if you truly find a way to meet your needs. Porn can't fill you up. It never will. It's smoke and mirrors. If you actually want this out of your life, you can get this out of your life for good.


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## eyuop

jaquen said:


> This seems to have morphed away from a thread about battling a porn addiction to the battles inherent between HD and LD partners. I'll just address the original porn addiction issue for now.
> 
> It's commendable that you're trying to dislodge porn from your life. What works in your favor is that you felt porn was a problem for you independent of your wife. You're not trying to give up something for her, but for yourself. That really is the best possible ground to build recovery on.
> 
> - Drop the shame and the guilt. Recovery is a process and accept that there is always the possibility that you will slip. Accept that you are a fallible human being who is working to get stronger, and healthier, and keep it moving. Condemnation and self loathing are your worst friends. They also tend to do nothing but break you down and make you even more vulnerable to slipping into your particular poison. It's a vicious cycle. Free yourself of it.
> 
> - Addictions are about feeding a legitimate need illegitimately. There is a reason why you continue to be drawn to porn, and those reasons are healthy, vital, and necessary. You just found an inadequate, base activity to try and fill up your need; like trying to satiate a starving person with jelly beans. In your particular case it seems porn is feeding a deep, unmet need for affection, love, and validation that started decades ago. You are in a relationship with porn because it's a cheap, easy way to meet your emotional needs. The problem is that, as you've discovered, it's an illusion. It doesn't really meet those needs, it just feels like that in the moment. However once the orgasm happens you realize that you're in exactly the same place you were before the clip. Just as broken, just as needy, with just as much longing.
> 
> - Find your root issue(s) and begin finding healthy ways to fulfill your needs. That's going to be the greatest gift you can ever, ever give yourself in this regard; embrace those needs, do not be ashamed of your needs, and go about making your needs a priority. Because you've had a long history of shame surrounding porn you might have developed a shame around the internal needs that porn is poorly helping satiate. Try and separate your feelings about porn from your feelings about the root reasons you are using porn.
> 
> - It's not easy to break an addiction thanks to the easy availability of porn. Today's porn addiction is similar to a sugar or food addiction; it's everywhere. And just like the food addict has to find the strength and resolve to live in a world surrounded by food, you too can find the strength to live in a world bursting with easily accesible porngraphy.
> 
> - Prayer. If you're a praying man, pray. I believe prayer to the Lord can be the most vital advantage you can have. Pray for strength, pray for truth, and open yourself up to the Lord in a very real way. Let him know your every thought, your every worry, your every weakness, your every temptation. Be brutally and bluntly transparent. This not only establishes a trust with God, and a faith in him, but it also keeps you totally transparent with yourself. This brings light to the darkness and gives you the greatest help you can ever have. We all need that ever present help in times of trouble, that person who will accept us where we are and empower us to be better than what we ever have been before. The more you draw near to him, the more he will draw near to you.
> 
> - Only you can decide if your wife needs to know. It might help with your struggle to inform her of your weakness in this regard. Do you feel you need her to help make you accountable? I know you're worried about how she will take it, but it can be very difficult to handle addictions alone. If not her do you have other people, or places, that you can go to and be transparent about your issues? This doesn't help everyone, but it does help a lot.
> 
> - Obviously your LD, disconnected wife is going to make a break from porn that the more difficult. While the root issues of your porn addiction likely have nothing to do with her, her lack of affection and her refusal to meet your sexual-emotional needs is fueling the fire. She's helping make you more vulnerable to turning to the illusions and deceptions that porn provides. You have to be honest with yourself. If you take this journey of really facing the deep, unmet needs you have and decide that you need to fulfill them in order to be a whole, healthy, vital man, do you believe your wife will be a help to that journey or a hinderance?
> 
> 
> You can kick this, and be better off for it if you truly find a way to meet your needs. Porn can't fill you up. It never will. It's smoke and mirrors. If you actually want this out of your life, you can get this out of your life for good.


Thank you. Very well written and I agree with everything you said here. I am praying -- please, when you think about me, pray God's will for me and for strength and wisdom in how to move to a better place in my marriage and life. 

I very much appreciate your insight. You write very well, and I see a lot of wisdom in the words you have shared. :smthumbup:


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## 4thand11

This is not meant to belittle your desire to quit porn, and it is certainly not meant to pursuade you to NOT quit.... but I can't help wondering why you seem to have such feelings of guilt about watching it.

Yes of course there is porn addiction but that is usually a case where the man prefers porn to real sex with his wife, or cannot be satisfied with his wife unless she is as wild as a porn star, etc.

But simply watching porn occasionally, masturbating... pretty standard for a man and as long as it is just an occasional form of entertainment/fantasy/stress relief etc., I'm not sure why you beat yourself up about it so much. Lots of couples watch porn together, just another form of role play etc.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort

Marriage is about compromise, which in this case means you have sex a bit less than you want and a bit more than she wants. It seems like you think that giving up porn was your compromise, and now hers should be to have sex as much as you want. Doesn't work that way.....I myself am a couple of times a week person, which at my hb's age seems to work well, but if he was looking for it daily I just don't have that in me. I adore him and think he's hot, the mind is willing, but the body...not so much. It does seem like no matter what your wife tries it's not enough for you; HAVE you tried telling her what you liked and what she's doing well? It's demoralizing when you make efforts only to be told it's not enough. How often do we hear about men that try to do more around the house but no matter what they do it's never enough so they quit trying? That's what your wife is going to do: quit trying. You guys need a discussion when nobody is looking for sex where you lay out what you want, what she wants, and agree on something in the middle. Then you have to understand that when she has sex more then she wants to she's not going to be all that into it, those times will be for you. Nothing wrong with that so don't complain, ld/hd couples have to compromise like this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## eyuop

4thand11 said:


> This is not meant to belittle your desire to quit porn, and it is certainly not meant to pursuade you to NOT quit.... but I can't help wondering why you seem to have such feelings of guilt about watching it.
> 
> Yes of course there is porn addiction but that is usually a case where the man prefers porn to real sex with his wife, or cannot be satisfied with his wife unless she is as wild as a porn star, etc.
> 
> But simply watching porn occasionally, masturbating... pretty standard for a man and as long as it is just an occasional form of entertainment/fantasy/stress relief etc., I'm not sure why you beat yourself up about it so much. Lots of couples watch porn together, just another form of role play etc.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


First off, my wife wouldn't have any desire whatsoever to watch porn as a couple -- so that is out of the question. I wouldn't want this anyway, aside from a part of me wanting to show her understand what I have been experiencing so she can understand me better. But I think she would just be angry with me and feel betrayed more than anything else.

The porn/MB combination is habit forming for me. It increasing my already high sex drive and I find myself wanting "the high" more often. In other words, occasional turns into more frequent.


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## eyuop

lifeistooshort said:


> Marriage is about compromise, which in this case means you have sex a bit less than you want and a bit more than she wants. It seems like you think that giving up porn was your compromise, and now hers should be to have sex as much as you want. Doesn't work that way.....I myself am a couple of times a week person, which at my hb's age seems to work well, but if he was looking for it daily I just don't have that in me. I adore him and think he's hot, the mind is willing, but the body...not so much. It does seem like no matter what your wife tries it's not enough for you; HAVE you tried telling her what you liked and what she's doing well? It's demoralizing when you make efforts only to be told it's not enough. How often do we hear about men that try to do more around the house but no matter what they do it's never enough so they quit trying? That's what your wife is going to do: quit trying. You guys need a discussion when nobody is looking for sex where you lay out what you want, what she wants, and agree on something in the middle. Then you have to understand that when she has sex more then she wants to she's not going to be all that into it, those times will be for you. Nothing wrong with that so don't complain, ld/hd couples have to compromise like this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks for your response; this sounds like good advice. We have been talking more on these lines recently.


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