# Dealing with wife's past abuse



## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

So I am finally breaking down and putting in my bid for aid. And it stems from my second wife's abusive ex husband.

For background, my wife, K, was originally married to a man, who is the father to her three children, who was highly emotionally and physically abusive. Thankfully, she eventually left him. The worse part was after she moved back in with her parents, they in turn had him move in with them. They treat her much better now, but it was many years before they saw the light so to speak. But given how much abuse she went through, she still suffers from it today. Raise voices wrong, and she cowers. If she is in the middle of a sugar crash (she's diabetic), she almost instantly is cowering, saying she did nothing wrong and begging not to be hurt. She has low self esteem, something that her legal husband has been trying to work on, as well as my legal wife and I since they moved in.

But last night was the worse I have every seen her. Turns out she has been hiding things from us. The courts had granted custody to the father and ordered her to pay child support. Which she did until she lost her job. And she has problems holding down a job between a replaced knee that she cannot remain standing on for too long, and cluster headaches. Since then she has been going into arrears, which I was unaware of. Yesterday I found out that she had a hearing over it, and they confirmed over $16,000 in arrears, partly because in MD the upper age is 26 if they are attending college. The ex lied stating that they were in college the whole time, even though one never went and the other two never made it past two years. Even then, K did most of the work in getting them scholarships and grants, not the ex, who never contributed a dime or a minute. Supposedly this was the final hearing to which there can be no appeal. She never even looked for a lawyer.

Last night she spent most of it sobbing, stating how she is worthless, and we should send her away, all the while begging not to be sent away, and saying that she could not see why we keep her. Those of you who have dealt with abuse know the lines.

I am not sure what to do anymore. Since she is not our legal wife, neither I nor my legal wife can put her on our insurances (I am currently on the legal wife's insurance through a convoluted mess, but could go back to my company's if I needed to). And our husband works for a company where the insurance is good enough for singles, but the family cost is high enough to take most of his paycheck if he opted for it. So K has been on the state insurance, and not any SS disability. If she is ever denied for such things she won't try to fight for them thinking that she is not good enough and they will just reject her again. She is probably going to try again since the judge said that if she was getting that, they would be taking her arrears out of that. Which for us is no big deal as we have not been dependent on it. But we have no resources for therapy, and even if she got them, she would probably not have enough sessions covered to treat her.

And quite frankly it is wearing on me as well. It's hard to deal with having to be on the eggshells a lot of the time so that she doesn't get triggered. It's almost trauma inducing itself, and then I feel guilty for thinking that. I know what she has gone though is so much worse, but at times it feels like I can't make progress. I know she needs professional help, but I don't know how to get it for her.

This is just as much rant as it is hope for practical advice. Thanks for the support I know is coming. One of the great things about this forum, is that even if we disagree on certain topics, we tend to support each other overall, for the most part.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

There are therapists who work on a sliding scale, especially for trauma victims like this. Would that be an option you could look into?


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## The Narcissist's Wife (10 mo ago)

maquiscat said:


> So I am finally breaking down and putting in my bid for aid. And it stems from my second wife's abusive ex husband.
> 
> For background, my wife, K, was originally married to a man, who is the father to her three children, who was highly emotionally and physically abusive. Thankfully, she eventually left him. The worse part was after she moved back in with her parents, they in turn had him move in with them. They treat her much better now, but it was many years before they saw the light so to speak. But given how much abuse she went through, she still suffers from it today. Raise voices wrong, and she cowers. If she is in the middle of a sugar crash (she's diabetic), she almost instantly is cowering, saying she did nothing wrong and begging not to be hurt. She has low self esteem, something that her legal husband has been trying to work on, as well as my legal wife and I since they moved in.
> 
> ...


It is hard to heal from physical and emotional abuse. Physical abuse replays in your mind forever..it is a nasty wound that festers and difficult to heal. She definitely needs to seek professional help...some places offer sliding scale prices or payment plans. Maybe look into hypnotic therapy? It is hard to say if and when she should ever recover. I would say she has PTSD from her abuse so look for someone who has experience treating it. Good luck


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

If you cannot find a therapist who works on a sliding scale, they may be able to provide you with resources for trauma or domestic violence groups. Group therapy isn't a replacement for individual therapy, but it may be better than nothing.

The group therapy that my wife's therapist put her in was admittedly quite expensive, but I'd hope there would be low cost options available to you as well.

There are also books that may help her understand why she's feeling the way she is. They also are not a replacement for therapy but another tool that may help.

The big question though is: Does she WANT help? Therapy for this sort of thing isn't easy. It's very hard emotionally and very draining, and she may get worse before she gets better - which is something you'd have to prepare for and learn to work with. But if she doesn't want it, there isn't much you can do.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

I am so sorry for what she is going through. That is absolutely beyond horrible..... I find that with the ladies, sometimes if you just sit down with them and say feel free to talk to me, it really helps. But while she is talking, don't say anything. Just sit there and let her open up and show that you are listening. Tell her it's ok to cry, to get angry, and to let it out. 

Other than that, maybe contact the local women's shelter and explain the situation. They often have grief counselors who unfortunately see this and know how to deal with it. They also might be able to provide resources that you might not be aware of.

Another source is your church if you are a member. Abuse victims often seek help at local churches who can also provide counseling. She also might be able to get to participate in group sessions with other abuse victims that can relate to each other 

Also check online for forums for victims of abuse. She might find some relief and get to chat with others. Below is one I quickly found.






Survivors’ Forum Messageboards – Survivors' Forum







survivorsforum.womensaid.org.uk


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Why does the abuser have custody of her kids?

you can’t fix her. It will take years of consistent, solid therapy for her to start to improve.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

It might be sad to do but can you just cut her loose? My advice has always been to avoid the unlucky and the unhappy if you want a stress-free, drama-free life. I don't really see any other options that will fix this, either in the short term or the long term.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

maquiscat said:


> So I am finally breaking down and putting in my bid for aid. And it stems from my second wife's abusive ex husband.
> 
> For background, my wife, K, was originally married to a man, who is the father to her three children, who was highly emotionally and physically abusive. Thankfully, she eventually left him. The worse part was after she moved back in with her parents, they in turn had him move in with them. They treat her much better now, but it was many years before they saw the light so to speak. But given how much abuse she went through, she still suffers from it today. Raise voices wrong, and she cowers. If she is in the middle of a sugar crash (she's diabetic), she almost instantly is cowering, saying she did nothing wrong and begging not to be hurt. She has low self esteem, something that her legal husband has been trying to work on, as well as my legal wife and I since they moved in.
> 
> ...


I feel you here, brother. I wish I had the answer for you. I’ve dealt with my spouse having abuse as well in her past and I haven’t a clue how to help.

you are 100% correct on how it is wearing on you. I am right there with you. It hurts bad. The walking on eggshells? I get you.

you mentioned another husband in your family so I’m assuming you’ve thought of her legally marrying him to get in his insurance - oh, I see that you mentioned a family plan is too expensive. Damn.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Beach123 said:


> Why does the abuser have custody of her kids?
> 
> you can’t fix her. It will take years of consistent, solid therapy for her to start to improve.


He doesn't. He did. By the time I met her they were grown and in their own lives. Just not in college, except one, as the ex claimed. She was abused enough I don't think she fought the custody, because he already had her convinced she wasn't good enough to care for them on her own, even though he left her with them all the time.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

thunderchad said:


> It might be sad to do but can you just cut her loose? My advice has always been to avoid the unlucky and the unhappy if you want a stress-free, drama-free life. I don't really see any other options that will fix this, either in the short term or the long term.


Sure there is no legal ties holding me to her, but she is my wife in the truest sense of the word. This isn't something that is on her. Just because we are poly, it doesn't mean that we just abandon out SO's.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

LATERILUS79 said:


> you mentioned another husband in your family so I’m assuming you’ve thought of her legally marrying him to get in his insurance - oh, I see that you mentioned a family plan is too expensive. Damn.


They already are legally married. Have been for over 16 years. Thing is he has rejected the idea of changing who is legally married to whom, so that she can get on insurance


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

maquiscat said:


> So I am finally breaking down and putting in my bid for aid. And it stems from my second wife's abusive ex husband.
> 
> For background, my wife, K, was originally married to a man, who is the father to her three children, who was highly emotionally and physically abusive. Thankfully, she eventually left him. The worse part was after she moved back in with her parents, they in turn had him move in with them. They treat her much better now, but it was many years before they saw the light so to speak. But given how much abuse she went through, she still suffers from it today. Raise voices wrong, and she cowers. If she is in the middle of a sugar crash (she's diabetic), she almost instantly is cowering, saying she did nothing wrong and begging not to be hurt. She has low self esteem, something that her legal husband has been trying to work on, as well as my legal wife and I since they moved in.
> 
> ...


Jesus ****ing Christ.... 

Going through all of that AND cluster headaches? I have been through absolute hell, and I would never wish cluster headaches on anyone. If she is a typical episodic sufferer(I'm chronic) then she is probably getting slammed with them again because of the season change...

How much is she struggling with them right now? Cluster headaches are called suicide headaches for a reason. I would voluntarily give up my left eye in a heartbeat if I thought it meant I would never have to experience one again. 

So, before I talk about anything else... How bad are they? Cuz no matter how strong you are, cluster headaches are kryptonite to everyone.


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## Angie?or… (Nov 15, 2021)

I’m so sorry you and your family are going through this. I don’t have any advice to offer, but much sympathy. Trauma and PTSD are rough on everyone in a family.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

As'laDain said:


> Jesus ****ing Christ....
> 
> Going through all of that AND cluster headaches? I have been through absolute hell, and I would never wish cluster headaches on anyone. If she is a typical episodic sufferer(I'm chronic) then she is probably getting slammed with them again because of the season change...
> 
> ...


She can have them daily for long periods and then be clear for days. If she can get some marijuana vape early enough she can stop or reduce the pain. Otherwise no pattern. It probably doesn't help that she tends to stay awake until 3-5 AM. She ends up sleeping most of the day. Appetite all over the place.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

maquiscat said:


> She can have them daily for long periods and then be clear for days. If she can get some marijuana vape early enough she can stop or reduce the pain. Otherwise no pattern. It probably doesn't help that she tends to stay awake until 3-5 AM. She ends up sleeping most of the day. Appetite all over the place.


She is a chronic sufferer then. A couple things you might try for abortives are slamming a red bull at the start of an attack, and high flow oxygen. Outside of that, it's usually just prescription medications. 

I mostly keep mine managed by sticking to a keto diet and taking lots of vitamin d, but I have initrex injections in case I need them. I haven't had to take one in a while. 

One of these days, I want to try busting. But since that involves illegal substances, it will have to wait until I retire. The people I know who go the cluster buster route typically report being pain free for months after a single dose. 

If you haven't already found it, here is more information. This website has a LOTA of good information on it. 



New CH.com Forum - Index


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@maquiscat,

I will share with you my own resources. I owned my own company with my exH and we didn't have company-provided health insurance. I grew up with physical/ verbal/ emotional abuse as a child, and my exH was also abusive. So when we were still together, my son began seeing an in-school counselor for ADHD. I came with my son just at first to transition smoothly, and gradually asked if I could see the in-school counselor myself. And I worked with that therapist for many years.  It was a good fit, and it was free.

About that time, my exH left the family, left the state, and moved in with his Wistress. I filed for divorce and he was angry and so he broke into the house, and did some other DV things...and I called the police. Due to that whole court situation, it was semi-mandatory for me to attend a "support group" for partners of people who had DV charges. Well! I met a counselor at that support group who also did personal counseling and did a self-esteem support group. Yes, I was in two support groups AND personal counseling "as needed" but it was REALLY helpful--moreso the self-esteem group than the DV group. And all this counseling was free, provided through the county and connected to the courts/legal system. Essentially, if partner A went to court for DV, partner B was referred to this support group. They couldn't FORCE you to go, but it was very strongly encouraged. 

Now, I know that there is some difference in your relationship layout, so to be clear, I'm going to call you Husband A, your legal wife Wife A, the other husband Husband B, and the other wife Wife B. Okay? As I understand it, Wife B has exceedingly low self-esteem, is in arrears in her CS, and has no health insurance to pay for therapy. Her children are no longer "in school" (like elementary school) but rather are adults and essentially out and on their own. And no wife or husband in the relationship is domestically violent. So I get it--some of my free alternatives might not apply.

And yet...

If we use them as springboards for thinking outside the box, I went to a school-based therapist for free. I believe my counselor was fully graduated and licensed, but I wonder if there wouldn't be a school or college nearby that would offer a clinic where doctoral students are supervised and charge $x per session. It may also be an idea to search for a community mental health clinic or programs run by non-profit organizations like NAMI. I know NAMI has free, online support groups and even for shy people, a virtual meeting could be a place to start. Support Groups | NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness I think the CPTSD Foundation has some free resources too: CPTSD Foundation 

Trauma can be a REALLY hard therapy to start and stay with, because in a summary what you do is remember the traumatic event, relive it but from an "adult" point of view, and comfort yourself in a way that you couldn't back then. Many people spend their whole lives desperately trying to avoid the traumatic event(s) so getting to the point of voluntarily remembering them is very hard...and many never get there. It feels like you have to "get worse" in order to get better, but I can stand as living testimony that if someone faces it, they really CAN recover! Thus it may be wise to start with the self-esteem issues and help Wife B get the point of knowing within herself that she is valuable. Once she believes her value, the traumatic event will still be scary but she may believe she is worth the effort. Make sense?


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## SnakePlissken (10 mo ago)

My wife was able to get free sessions from a therapist that needed training hours. The trade off is lack of experience. It has really helped her with processing her past and building some sense of self worth. Now that the therapist has graduated, they are offering reduced rates for early clients.

I'm sorry your and your family are going through this rough situation. I wish the best for all of you.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

maquiscat said:


> She can have them daily for long periods and then be clear for days. If she can get some marijuana vape early enough she can stop or reduce the pain. Otherwise no pattern. It probably doesn't help that she tends to stay awake until 3-5 AM. She ends up sleeping most of the day. Appetite all over the place.


Marijuana is the last thing she needs with what she is going through. I know so many people promote marijuana as a medical treatment for a very broad set of conditions. It might calm her temporarily, but so would alcohol, and most know how damaging alcohol is.

I am anti marijuana because of the long term effects I have seen with friends and family. All of them called it harmless and a good way of relieving stress. But after years of use, they have all developed chronic coughing, excess mucous, noticable decline in cognitive function, and have either lost or been denied employment because of it. And while they don't have a physical dependence on it, they get irritated and combative when they are out.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> Marijuana is the last thing she needs with what she is going through. I know so many people promote marijuana as a medical treatment for a very broad set of conditions. It might calm her temporarily, but so would alcohol, and most know how damaging alcohol is.
> 
> I am anti marijuana because of the long term effects I have seen with friends and family. All of them called it harmless and a good way of relieving stress. But after years of use, they have all developed chronic coughing, excess mucous, noticable decline in cognitive function, and have either lost or been denied employment because of it. And while they don't have a physical dependence on it, they get irritated and combative when they are out.


She doesn't use it very often, and would much rather have it in some other form beside smoking it. It's her last ditch effort because she doesn't like it, but it does help when the pain has pushed past her limits. And anyone with chronic pain knows how far those limits can be.

ETA: Wait, were you thinking that she was using the marijuana for coping with the past abuse?


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> Marijuana is the last thing she needs with what she is going through. I know so many people promote marijuana as a medical treatment for a very broad set of conditions. It might calm her temporarily, but so would alcohol, and most know how damaging alcohol is.
> 
> I am anti marijuana because of the long term effects I have seen with friends and family. All of them called it harmless and a good way of relieving stress. But after years of use, they have all developed chronic coughing, excess mucous, noticable decline in cognitive function, and have either lost or been denied employment because of it. And while they don't have a physical dependence on it, they get irritated and combative when they are out.


You really need to look up cluster headaches. If marijuana is actually helping, I would not suggest stopping it. Alcohol would likely make it worse as it's a trigger for most cluster headache sufferers. 

I have had all of my dental work done without any form of anesthetic, including quite a few root canals on live nerves. It's not even comparable. 

Women who suffer from them who have given birth without medication usually say that cluster headaches are more painful. 

A friend of mine was a POW in Vietnam and had his arm twisted off as a form of torture. A bad cluster headache(kip 10) is worse. 

The medical community nicknamed them suicide headaches for a reason.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

@maquiscat, I don't know of this would help your wife, but it did help me in dealing with some of my issues regarding my past abuse. In a strange way, it helped me with being able to look at my experiences and thoughts more objectively... 

At first, I wanted to rail against everything he said, but once I got a sense of what he was talking about, I listened to it again. And again. 

It seems every time I listen to it, something else stands out and I realize yet another area where I had been clinging to fallacies. It made it easier for me to forgive others as well as myself. It's mostly just a guided path to introspection. 









Awareness Audiobook by Anthony De Mello (youtube recording) : Anthony De Mello : Free Download, Borrow, and Streaming : Internet Archive


Awareness mp3 by Anthony De MelloAwareness pdf by Anthony De MelloAwareness ebook by Anthony De MelloAwareness audiobook download by Anthony De MelloAwareness...



archive.org


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