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## Banshee (May 23, 2012)

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## Angelwanderer (Mar 20, 2018)

You sound like you're the fallback and regular guy. She wants to 'play' with the party boys and girls and come back home to you. 

That's how I see it.

-A

Wrote a letter about my troubled marriage. It became a novel (SEETHINGS), mostly fiction wink. Read it on Smashwords for free.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Banshee said:


> This morning I've decided to change my attitude and approach in life and marriage, and thought that I would use this forum to chronicle my journey.
> 
> Quick backstory... divorced once many years ago to a cheater. Although extremely painful, learned a lot about myself and began to focus more on health and overall emotional well-being (something many of us let slide due to the typical pressures of work, family, life, etc). Fast forward several years and married a long-time friend, whom we've been married now 11 years. Although disappointing, in our first year of marriage I noticed a selfish side of her emerging. She hadn't been married before me, and the best way to describe it is that she didn't know now to be married.
> 
> ...


Your changes should be filing for divorce and starting therapy with the best therapist in the world to figure out why in God's name you would ever put up with this. 

Then next thing you will tell us is the your sex life is once a month if that.... 

Good Grief...


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

while i congratulate you on waking up i wonder what that really means....do you have a list of actionable items that you intend to follow or some plan? and also how do you intend to discuss this your wife?


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## midatlanticdad (Jul 24, 2018)

Banshee said:


> This morning I've decided to change my attitude and approach in life and marriage, and thought that I would use this forum to chronicle my journey.
> 
> Quick backstory... divorced once many years ago to a cheater. Although extremely painful, learned a lot about myself and began to focus more on health and overall emotional well-being (something many of us let slide due to the typical pressures of work, family, life, etc). Fast forward several years and married a long-time friend, whom we've been married now 11 years. Although disappointing, in our first year of marriage I noticed a selfish side of her emerging. She hadn't been married before me, and the best way to describe it is that she didn't know now to be married.
> 
> ...


what does this accomplish? not saying you shouldn't do it, it appears she is what she is. can you then be happy in the relationship bc you will be focusing on you more? she probably will resent she's not getting the silver platter treatment from you.


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## Banshee (May 23, 2012)

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## Banshee (May 23, 2012)

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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I look forward to reading your digital diary!


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Banshee said:


> Unfortunately, my first divorce ended up significantly hurting my children. As I have kids with my current wife, I've seen first hand what an embattled divorce can do and would rather avoid this a second time. I have been through this before, so am not adverse to divorce and can tell you the therapy does nothing for me. I know what I want (and don't want), and am making these changes for myself. Without the kids, I would have been gone 9 years ago. She's used to me being the one to extend olive branches and putting my own needs aside for hers. The sudden change in my behavior will wake her up for sure.


Well, if they were truly adversely affected then sorry, but something was not handled right. I know you don't want to here that. 

When handled properly usually the children are happier with ONE happy, healthy parent, than a situation where, lets be frank, no one is really happy. 

If you can live like this then I wish you good luck...


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## midatlanticdad (Jul 24, 2018)

Banshee said:


> Unfortunately, my first divorce ended up significantly hurting my children. As I have kids with my current wife, I've seen first hand what an embattled divorce can do and would rather avoid this a second time. I have been through this before, so am not adverse to divorce and can tell you the therapy does nothing for me. I know what I want (and don't want), and am making these changes for myself. Without the kids, I would have been gone 9 years ago. She's used to me being the one to extend olive branches and putting my own needs aside for hers. The sudden change in my behavior will wake her up for sure.


how old are the kids


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## Banshee (May 23, 2012)

x


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## Banshee (May 23, 2012)

x


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

The first thing you should do is get a vasectomy. The second thing you should do is begin to ‘save’ for your impending divorce. I only say impending divorce, because if you actually do what you say you are going to do, you will see her clearly for who she is and that’s where you’ll end up. Third thing to do is start your list and learn to be happy without a partner.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Banshee said:


> In one of the bars that we visited, she saw some guys that she knew and left our group to spend time with them....and she disappeared.....She walked over 4 miles home in the snow


No she did not walk 4 miles in the snow.



Banshee said:


> This type of behavior has gone on for several years in manyt circumstances. When we're at parties, she goes off with friends and strangers that she's just met.


You have got to be the most unsuspecting person ever born. How could you not see what your wife is doing? This isn't a matter of tolerating a selfish wife. This is a matter to refusing to see what your wife is actually up to. What do you think goes on when she disappears with strangers?

Many years ago, a group of classmates and I met up in the library to work on a shared project. One of the girls disappeared from the group for a short while. Before that, I saw her approach a guy in the library and then later saw the two of them return through the back door together. My 20 year old pea brain had a hard time handling the shock of learning that type of thing goes on. But handle it I did because we wake up to life at some point.

1. The possibility she's a prostitute and doing it for money.
2. The possibility she's acting like a prostitute and doing it for free.
3. The possibility she has a sex addiction.
4. All the possibilities I haven't the imagination to manufacture that drive her compulsive and obsessive behavior.

When are you going to wake up? You have talked til you're blue in the face without accomplishing anything because no woman can respect a clueless man. Clueless translates to wimpy and weak, so she continues to feed her neurosis in spite of you.

It's good that you have a new attitude and have decided to take care of yourself in lieu of focusing on her. That will help you get through when you finally accept that your wife has a problem and needs professional help. Unfortunately, it will require you focusing your attention and concern on her again. The worst of catch 22 scenarios.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

I intended to add that you don't know if they are friends and guys she knows. For all you know, they could all be strangers that she goes off with. You're too accepting of the crap sandwishes (spelled intentionally) that she feeds you. Nobody would blindly accept any of this. I mean seriously, she left her husband to hook up with "friends" in a bar, disappeared with them, and then walked 4 miles home in the snow? It.Did.Not.Happen. The sooner you accept that you have been blind, clueless, and way too accepting, the sooner you will be able to make the real decisions you need to make for your life.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

banshee, 

follow up question, how did you take your action plan? did she ask you if you are going to divorce her?


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Come to think of it - if I haven't stung you already, this just might be hard to take - you may need to get your kids DNA tested. I am serious about your wife having a neurosis.

Neurosis is defined as:
a relatively mild mental illness that is not caused by organic disease, involving symptoms of stress (depression, anxiety, obsessive behaviour, hypochondria) but not a radical loss of touch with reality.

a poor ability to adapt to one's environment, an inability to change one's life patterns, and the inability to develop a richer, more complex, more satisfying personality.

Symptoms of neurosis (as they apply to your wife) may include but are not limited to:
low sense of self-worth (that contribute to and/or cause her poor behaviors)
behavioral symptoms such as phobic avoidance, vigilance, impulsive and compulsive acts
socio-culturally inappropriate behaviors
thoughts and behaviors that produce difficulties in one's life

The term neurosis is less often used these days by most of the psychiatric community giving to more specific terms and clinical definitions. But this is what it is, and this is what your wife is possessed of. It's a disorder whereby the symptoms and indications are considered neurotic behaviors.

What you told us about are the things you know about, the things you have seen with your own eyes. But make no mistake in being so clueless as to think she never does things that you don't see. There is no likelihood her behaviors are limited to only the times you and she go out with friends or go out to bars. She has more interactions than those and take advantage of more opportunities to express the traits and characteristics of her disorder. That's what illness does. It occurs when there are witnesses and it occurs when nobody is looking because the illness is the one in control.

So can you be certain your children are your children? I'm very sorry if that hurts you, but it's time you wake up to all these possibilities.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Oh, he took his baseball and went home...


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

BluesPower said:


> Oh, he took his baseball and went home...


I think it's possible he finally knows what the problem is and, therefore, maintaining a digital diary of self improvement won't address the real issue. I feel terrible for him, but there are all kinds of people in the world and mental illness is very common in all it's various forms.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

StarFires said:


> I think it's possible he finally knows what the problem is and, therefore, maintaining a digital diary of self improvement won't address the real issue. I feel terrible for him, but there are all kinds of people in the world and mental illness is very common in all it's various forms.


Amen sister... On that we agree... 

But really poor guy. What makes people say in those types of relationship. If they are mentally ill, then staying makes it worse... 

Maybe they cannot reason at all. I don't know...


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

BluesPower said:


> Amen sister... On that we agree...
> 
> But really poor guy. What makes people say in those types of relationship. If they are mentally ill, then staying makes it worse...
> 
> Maybe they cannot reason at all. I don't know...


Amen brother. His brother-in-law tried to tell him, remember? He also mentioned friends trying to talk to him about her behavior but he wouldn't listen to any of them. The thing about friends and family is they place effort in trying to inform you about hurtful things while also trying not to hurt your feelings. So nobody came right out said what his wife was doing, they just tried to impress that her outward behaviors and selfishness shouldn't be tolerated. I didn't want to hurt his feelings either. I just thought he needed to know what he needed to know because he has not been thinking. For a person to know, to form the thoughts, and to maneuver their fingers to type _"When we're at parties, she goes off with friends and strangers that she's just met"_ and not realize what that mens simply is not thinking and not listening to others.

Nope, a mentally ill person cannot reason. They only know what they think, and they only do what the illness drives them to do. A peson who has a cold probably has a fever and runny nose, body aches, etc. A child who has chicken pox can't control breaking out with the blisters that chicken pox causes. Illness is what it is, and mental illness is no different.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Due to the fact that the OP has deleted all their posts, this thread is closed to further replies.


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