# LIght - quick womens opinions - arms and the man



## Resu (May 26, 2015)

Hi,

I am just another sad old soul lying in the bed he made himself and willing to learn and change while knowing there is suddenly less life left  Cheery autumn thoughts.

I am a wee fat middle aged man but I have been toying with the notion of 'dating' ..well I balk at 'dating' but I just wonder if I could be attractive to a woman? Despite being separated I sleep with my ex partner so I am reacting to the feeling that her attention seems elsewhere and if this is over now I wonder what my chances would be? If she doesn't find me very attractive I can see why when I look at myself

So here is the big question I would love some feed back on ... arms or attitude?

I don't want to think about short comings that aren't going to change soon - like being short and overweight - so I wonder If I buff my upper arms up with weights will it make me look more appealing? Otherwise what quick fixes, work for looks and self esteem? Better just to focus on character qualities, warmth and humour?

Maybe recognising you are not attractive is no bad thing and you can just get on with life on your own .. but I like company and I have romanitc notions of intimacy...and a creeping fear of future old age.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Actually being overweight is the easiest of those things to fix


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Resu said:


> Hi,
> 
> I am just another sad old soul lying in the bed he made himself and willing to learn and change while knowing there is suddenly less life left  Cheery autumn thoughts.
> 
> ...


A man can change his weight easily enough, just by living healthy. His inherent ability to build muscle allows him to almost drop the weight with minimal effort. This quality annoys the women, but it is our gift because of our gender.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Take your sweet, wee self out on the moor and go hiking. 🤗


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## Resu (May 26, 2015)

minimalME said:


> Take your sweet, wee self out on the moor and go hiking. 🤗


yup. Had a nice walk yesterday - better than bothering strangers with daft questions - clears the cobwebs 
great advice.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

I love guys arms and chests, they don't even have to be defined and huge, all guys have big, strong arms to me!!!

However, you can have the greatest body in the world, but if you are mean or a liar, you will look unattractive to any woman who wants a real connection with you. So attitude matters most of all if you want a long term relationship.


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## Pip’sJourney (Mar 17, 2021)

To me the attitude is much more important than the physical. I think that you should work on you..mental first and the physical will follow. A personality will draw me in much more than a hot body. Humor, warmth, kindness, confidence, quirkiness, intelligence and varied interests are all good qualities.

I also like a belly.. call me weird... but I also like Monty Python...and am middle aged


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## Resu (May 26, 2015)

jonty30 said:


> A man can change his weight easily enough, just by living healthy. His inherent ability to build muscle allows him to almost drop the weight with minimal effort. This quality annoys the women, but it is our gift because of our gender.


Humbled. Thanks. will do . I love the positive attitude. I am not so sure about the minimal effort. Living healthily is a good idea regardless of courtship. My take was - reasonably flat stomach etc takes about a year - at least to spring/summer but upper arms is a month. People on these forums obviously have worse problems to get through so I will no prolong this. people in Canada have worse winters to get through!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Just from a physical math perspective, increasing the muscle mass of your biceps, triceps, chest, back and shoulders does increase your physical attractiveness but slimming down your waste helps a lot!


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I don't care as much about arms or attitude. I care about if a man has actually separated and left his old partner.

I care how he treats me and see me.

I care if he's emotionally available to me.

It doesn't seem like you are in any place to date. You are still sleeping with your ex partner.
Why are you two separating?
Have you reflected on how to make yourself a better person?

It seems you are more concerned about sex than the woman. So... I know I'd pass. Some of us women can smell that on you. But there are others that can't so you have a shot.


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## Resu (May 26, 2015)

LisaDiane said:


> I love guys arms and chests, they don't even have to be defined and huge, all guys have big, strong arms to me!!!
> 
> However, you can have the greatest body in the world, but if you are mean or a liar, you will look unattractive to any woman who wants a real connection with you. So attitude matters most of all if you want a long term relationship.


Wow - I love the idea of setting the bar at "who wants a real connection" - i needed to hear that.


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## Resu (May 26, 2015)

Anastasia6 said:


> I don't care as much about arms or attitude. I care about if a man has actually separated and left his old partner.
> 
> I care how he treats me and see me.
> 
> ...


thanks - I would rather smell that for them then than risk hurting someone - this is the point - not as available as I think! Realistically i would not want to go near any courtship unless say three months away form ex. that could be three months of applying the rest of working on self/ healthy living/ hiking on moors. Thanks for the answer. good note of caution.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

First, you need to be....really separated.
Still sleeping with your old partner is a fatal strike.

You will not really be seen as available.
Not by any lady having any self worth.

Lose some difficult weight, exercise your old wife away, out from your life.

..............................................

Lose some weight, maintain a neat haircut, and perfect hygiene and shaving.
Buy some quality cologne.
Brush you teeth, keep them looking nice, use mouthwash, always.

Dress in quality clothes, whatever the occasion.

Be friendly, and attentive to others needs.
Smile often.

Chubby is OK, as midlife chubby is the norm.



_Lilith-_


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## Resu (May 26, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> Just from a physical math perspective, increasing the muscle mass of your biceps, triceps, chest, back and shoulders does increase your physical attractiveness but slimming down your waste helps a lot!


 waist it is then. Thanks. I am also reminded here that any hope to be physically attractive is probably a blind alley. Waist is the best health measure for me anyway. Ta.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Laurentium said:


> Actually being overweight is the easiest of those things to fix


Easy to do.
Once, then again, then again.

Yet, hard to maintain over a lifetime.


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## Resu (May 26, 2015)

SunCMars said:


> First, you need to be....really separated.
> Still sleeping with your old partner is a fatal strike.
> 
> You will not really be seen as available.
> ...


'fatal strike' - a bit severe. thanks . I am glad i came here and asked this. Thanks for the overall recipe too.
this gives me a fairly clear picture of myself by next summer together with the other responses.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Be resolute, Resu....


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

P.S. a confident, good natured and unassuming attitude goes the rest of the way.

Happy travels my friend.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

1. Confidence is CENTRAL to your attractiveness. But you need to earn it, it can’t be fake and you need to do the work (that said, there is something to “fake it till you make it”). Start doing the right things and your progress will fuel your confidence.

2. Learn to be more attractive. Learn how to interact with women on a male-female level. Learn to flirt from a place of masculine energy, to elicit feminine energy from women. Do interesting things. Women want to look up to a man, so be competent and lead your interactions with women.

3. Yes, you need to get in shape. And that means lift heavy things, don’t jjust focus on losing weight. You can do both at the same time.
Losing weight is largely a matter of diet (i.e. get rid of all of the sugar and a lot of the carbs and increase the protein).

It’s quite surprising how much you can accomplish in a relatively short time (like just a few months), you can add noticeable mass and lose a lot of fat.

Lay out a 6 month plan four losing weight, adding muscle, and upping your game with women. Do the work and you can put yourself in a much better place.
Also, I disagree with the folks saying you should cut things off with your ex. I recommend keeping her around as you work on getting better with women - for practice and as a sparring partner if nothing else.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Call me old fashioned, but if I meet a guy who's still sleeping with his ex, I ain't stickin' around.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

frusdil said:


> Call me old fashioned, but if I meet a guy who's still sleeping with his ex, I ain't stickin' around.


Ding ding ding ...we have a winner!

I'm going to throw in that any guy who was recently sleeping with his ex is a poor prospect in my book. Too much potential for emotional involvement or drama.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

lifeistooshort said:


> Ding ding ding ...we have a winner!
> 
> I'm going to throw in that any guy who was recently sleeping with his ex is a poor prospect in my book. Too much potential for emotional involvement or drama.


Maybe, but he’s got a lot of work to do until he’s ready to engage in an actual relationship anyway. 
And along the way, he’s going to need someone to practice on and spar with as he works to become better/more attractive with women. Sounds like she’s a willing candidate for a sparring partner (on a number of levels).


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Any small improvement like working on your arms will give you a little more confidence, but that is really the extent of its power, I'd think. If you are social and active, some woman will find you appealing for your own qualities (once you stop banging your ex, that is), but you have to know that you're not going to be able to attract young hot women and your best shot at finding one who genuinely likes you is one near your age and who is about your same attraction level and not who your eyes are swiveling to on the street. The way to do that is be active and social and do real life activities and meet people and then see if any initiate conversations with you and act friendly and interested, and that will be your best shot, of course. Don't waste your time chasing ones who can date younger and hotter.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

When the biceps are popping the panties are dropping. It's science


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

frusdil said:


> Call me old fashioned, but if I meet a guy who's still sleeping with his ex, I ain't stickin' around.


No, a disaster and big red flag.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Al_Bundy said:


> When the biceps are popping the panties are dropping. It's science


I must be weird because bulging muscles do nothing for me.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

DudeInProgress said:


> Maybe, but he’s got a lot of work to do until he’s ready to engage in an actual relationship anyway.
> And along the way, he’s going to need someone to practice on and spar with as he works to become better/more attractive with women. Sounds like she’s a willing candidate for a sparring partner (on a number of levels).


If they are still having sex then the relationship isn't over. You can't move on until it's over.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> I must be weird because bulging muscles do nothing for me.


Fitness takes work and is usually appreciated by those who also put in the work. It's a good filter.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Al_Bundy said:


> Fitness takes work and is usually appreciated by those who also put in the work. It's a good filter.


I would be thinking, how many hours does he have to spend in the gym each week. Followed by why is he so very concerned with having to have bulging muscles?
I am all for general fitness and eating healthily, but just wanting big muscles seems odd to me.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> I would be thinking, how many hours does he have to spend in the gym each week. Followed by why is he so very concerned with having to have bulging muscles?
> I am all for general fitness and eating healthily, but just wanting big muscles seems odd to me.


He probably has no idea what it takes but wanting to be muscular is pretty normal for a guy.


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## Slow Hand (Oct 4, 2015)

Diana7 said:


> I would be thinking, how many hours does he have to spend in the gym each week. Followed by why is he so very concerned with having to have bulging muscles?
> I am all for general fitness and eating healthily, but just wanting big muscles seems odd to me.


It’s a guy thing, builds confidence in some...


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

For each man is a woman.

This notion exits when one gets to that point, as one known old.
There is no lotion that will ease a younger one to slip in.
Choose young, choose wisely.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

frusdil said:


> Call me old fashioned, but if I meet a guy who's still sleeping with his ex, I ain't stickin' around.


100%


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## Resu (May 26, 2015)

DudeInProgress said:


> Maybe, but he’s got a lot of work to do until he’s ready to engage in an actual relationship anyway.
> And along the way, he’s going to need someone to practice on and spar with as he works to become better/more attractive with women. Sounds like she’s a willing candidate for a sparring partner (on a number of levels).


Thank you for your point and taking the time to share the thoughts on practical shaping up. Does it need to be said that there are some - perhaps over literal - levels where 'sparring partner' could be a bit off - connotations of domestic abuse? Will give more thought to masc/fem energy - i tend to think of this a more usually to do with inner work.


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## Resu (May 26, 2015)

Diana7 said:


> I must be weird because bulging muscles do nothing for me.


getting a crush on Diana 7 now ! 
Thanks for re-inforcing obvious points - i am not over serious about the dumb bells but when heading for sixty you notice muscle mass going.


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## Resu (May 26, 2015)

to be fair. I never mentioned bulging, myself - the truth is I stumbled into Aldis late one night when tired and bought weights in the random middle bit with the intention of getting a grip sometime when tough times passed and i had the time. it does give you a lift but not as good as cardio.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Resu said:


> to be fair. I never mentioned bulging, myself - the truth is I stumbled into Aldis late one night when tired and bought weights in the random middle bit with the intention of getting a grip sometime when tough times passed and i had the time. it does give you a lift but not as good as cardio.


Tabata exercise routines are very good, without over taxing you, into getting fit. 

You basically work hard for hard for twenty seconds and rest for twenty seconds.


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## Resu (May 26, 2015)

Al_Bundy said:


> He probably has no idea what it takes but wanting to be muscular is pretty normal for a guy.


yup - no idea - I saw a busy cancer consultant on a tv documentary take time late a t night to do some weight training and thought it must be a healthy thing to do on that basis  otherwise it is just a desperate bid at a base of self esteem


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## Resu (May 26, 2015)

pointless -deleted


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## Resu (May 26, 2015)

jonty30 said:


> Tabata exercise routines are very good, without over taxing you, into getting fit.
> 
> You basically work hard for hard for twenty seconds and rest for twenty seconds.


like - will incorporate it - will look it up


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Resu said:


> Despite being separated I sleep with my ex partner


Sleep as in "having sex"?


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

In my experience, almost everyone you meet out in the wild is having sex with someone. They are either actively in a relationship or the single folks have an ex or FWB they hit up when they feel the urge. Unless OP goes around proclaiming loudly how often he is hooking up with his ex, it won't hurt him in the least when he goes looking for someone new.


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## Resu (May 26, 2015)

Resu said:


> like - will incorporate it - will look it up


High Intensity Intervals by another name? Got it.


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## Resu (May 26, 2015)

Enigma32 said:


> In my experience, almost everyone you meet out in the wild is having sex with someone. They are either actively in a relationship or the single folks have an ex or FWB they hit up when they feel the urge. Unless OP goes around proclaiming loudly how often he is hooking up with his ex, it won't hurt him in the least when he goes looking for someone new.


Thanks for that perspective. We might form better relationships if we are not just doing it for sex. I see how it makes sense and it is possible that my ex is on this page already.😊/☹
For now, for me, connecting with someone I am fond of while not genuinely available wouldn't be a good start or a good ending so I will stick with the personal refit and put my energy into exercise. Thanks, though. Good thought.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Resu said:


> Humbled. Thanks. will do . I love the positive attitude. I am not so sure about the minimal effort. Living healthily is a good idea regardless of courtship. My take was - reasonably flat stomach etc takes about a year - at least to spring/summer but upper arms is a month. People on these forums obviously have worse problems to get through so I will no prolong this. people in Canada have worse winters to get through!


Well, you can lift weights like an animal and gain muscle but still be fat.

However it might be best to try a Ketogenic diet, limit carbs to no more than 20 a day. You will start dropping weight fast. You don't even have to work out and you'll still be able to get a flat stomach if you discipline yourself. 

Then once you reach your goal you can up your carbs and start lifting and you will get more noticable definition than if you just went straight to weight lifting.


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## Resu (May 26, 2015)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> Well, you can lift weights like an animal and gain muscle but still be fat.
> 
> However it might be best to try a Ketogenic diet, limit carbs to no more than 20 a day. You will start dropping weight fast. You don't even have to work out and you'll still be able to get a flat stomach if you discipline yourself.
> 
> Then once you reach your goal you can up your carbs and start lifting and you will get more noticable definition than if you just went straight to weight lifting.


20kcal?


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Resu said:


> 20kcal?


No, 20 carbs. The only thing you count is carbs. Basically eat meat and veggies.


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## Resu (May 26, 2015)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> No, 20 carbs. The only thing you count is carbs. Basically eat meat and veggies.


I am sorry to be thick here..if twenty is the quantity what is the unit? Weight? Will check out ketogenic anyway


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Resu said:


> I am sorry to be thick here..if twenty is the quantity what is the unit? Weight? Will check out ketogenic anyway


20 grams


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

"Don't eat crap" is another good diet, especially if you are just starting out. Most people know when something is crap (sodas, fast food, etc.....).

Not saying anything said here is wrong, it's good advice. Just saying you can get a long ways with common sense. Master the basics, there's plenty of directions to branch off later.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Enigma32 said:


> In my experience, almost everyone you meet out in the wild is having sex with someone. They are either actively in a relationship or the single folks have an ex or FWB they hit up when they feel the urge. Unless OP goes around proclaiming loudly how often he is hooking up with his ex, it won't hurt him in the least when he goes looking for someone new.


This is a reality. 

We also need to keep in mind that anyone he would be meeting and going out on a date with will also be hooking up with someone at various times whether it be an ex or a FWB, some hot guy at the gym or work etc. adults have sex. There’s really no single chicks out there that are truly single and not being entertained to some degree somehow. Any women he would meet and have a date with will be getting with someone privately as well. 

As long as the interaction with the ex is mutually consensual it can also serve the purpose of helping him not be so hungry and desperate when he does get out on the open market. 

Women can smell hunger and desperation a mile away like a shark smelling blood in the water and it is a huge turn off for most women. 

Getting the pressure relieved and having some basic human contact can help him have at least some grain of confidence and not feel completely pathetic and desperate.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Now as far as the wondering about beefing up the arms - sure go for it. If you’re overweight and have pencil arms, anything is a step in the right direction.

However you need to keep in mind women are different than men. Men tend to value specific physical traits and if a woman has that particular physical trait, a man will overlook flaws in other areas.

In other words if a guy is a “boob man” or a “butt man”, if a woman has boobs or a butt e likes, he will waiver other areas that may not be as appealing. 

Women are kind of the opposite. Instead of one prominent feature really turning them on and overlooking other areas, women tend to be turned away by ONE flaw even if the rest is good. 

One unkempt and chipped dirty thumbnail can be all it takes to send a women looking elsewhere. 

Visible nose and ear hair could turn Brad Pitt in an InCel. 

Anything showing lack of personal care and grooming will be a disqualification. Nothing sends men to their mom’s basement to spank to porn more than unkempt and slovenly appearance and grungy clothes and attire. 

For a man, not having any UNattractive traits or features is probably more important than having one or two really good features. 

Women will often be ok with an average dude as long as he doesn’t have any prominent flaws that they can’t accept. 

If you are unkempt and slovenly and poorly dressed, start there. You can do that today. Give yourself a harsh head to toe inspection and trim what needs to be trimmed, shave what needs to be shaved, wash/clean what needs to be washed. Look intentional. 
Look like you out in work and effort because it is often the work and effort a man puts in that is often the most attractive trait of a man.

If you are overweight, that needs to be your next priority. A rich fat man can buy poon, but no woman is truly attracted to flab. Some chicks may tolerate it in a man that is feeding and housing their children but no woman that has ever walked the earth is actually sexually aroused by blubber and manboobs. 

You’ll simply never have a pretty woman sexually desiring your blubber. It can only hurt your chances and will never help you. 

Just doing those things will make a difference.

Yes rippling biceps are a plus. But Arnold Schwarzenegger himself would get rejected by any chick if he had visible nose or ear hair. Or nasty, smelly, pit-stained t-shirts.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Let me condense that down to something a little more bite sized.

Focus on correcting and eliminating UNattractive traits and features at the moment.

Get rid of nose and ear hairs, bad breath, brown teeth, greasy, unkempt hair whether it be head/facial/pubic etc. LOSE WEIGHT!!

In other words, instead of focusing on trying to be pretty at this point - focus on not being UNattractive.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Now a little more about hooking up with the ex. 

If it is publicly knowledge that you are getting with ex, that will be a turn off to potential future mates. I get that and I get why the other posters are urging you to stop. 

However, what you do in the privacy of your own home is no one else’s business and it is not something that you should be discussing with a coffee date at Starbucks with someone you just met. 

Any chick you meet and have coffee dates with at Starbucks are going to be hooking up with a variety of ex’s and FWBs and place-holder boyfriends as well. 

Discretion is going to be the better part of valor here. Keep your private business private and respect other people’s privacy as well. 

If you are seeing someone regularly and are getting to the point where things are becoming sexual or you are getting to the point in that relationship you are wanting to become exclusive, then it will be time to cut the cord and wish your ex well. 

I would also say to finally cut the cord if you find that getting with your ex is keeping you from getting out on the market and finding someone that is a better match for you. If you are using your ex as a crutch to not get out on the market - stop that. 

Otherwise if you are being safe, responsible and it is mutually consenting, and it is being mutually beneficial for you two to be having some human contact and keeping you from being desperate,,, it may be in your better interests to continue until a time it is no longer a benefit.


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## Resu (May 26, 2015)

Anastasia6 said:


> ....
> It doesn't seem like you are in any place to date. You are still sleeping with your ex partner.
> Why are you two separating?
> Have you reflected on how to make yourself a better person?
> ...


What is sex and what isn't? ( ie libido)
I seem to be concerned with fondness and affection, a sort of warm closeness, desire to hold her and give together, to share withamd open a new beginning All I know of the woman is a tender nature and a warm heart...but I am not available really so that makes a teasing fantasy. It looked like I was becoming available but I wouldn't wish myself on her or anyone without reflection and sorting myself out ie balancing acceptance and improvements. If I am honest I love mid life because we all have so much texture and perspective. You can imagine folk getting together and letting their foibles meet each other too. Holding hands while old foibles fight and explore on the rug.😃

Thanks. Gone off to reflect etc.(alone😊)


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## Resu (May 26, 2015)

Old shirt ..

Thanks for taking time to spell this all out for me.

This gives me a lot to get on with!

Looking at some of the initial responses scrupulous attention to any unattractiveness emotionally or mentally is also necessary.😃

All of this is invaluable.
No-one in the real world is going to say what needs said about ear hair and the like.

As far as I am.concerned this topic is done unless I check in with an update in May😃


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Resu said:


> As far as I am.concerned this topic is done unless I check in with an update in May😃


Actually, you have a lot going on here and it would be beneficial to and interesting for us to have regular feedback on what you are doing and your progress and results.


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

Well, you responded to me, so now it is my turn to return the favor.. be honest with yourself. You still love your ex. You haven't really accepted the relationship is over over because you are still sleeping with her. Not for nothing SHE is still sleeping with YOU. Why? Get to the root of that question. Why is (was) she still sleeping with you and why do (did) you allow it if the relationship is over? I read somewhere (on the internet _cough_) that it takes 1 month of recovery for every year you were together with someone. So for me that would be 2 years roughly. I don't know how long that would be for you but do you see where I am going with this? If you are actively engaged in a relationship you are never in recovery from the loss of it.

This place has some great advice as far as getting in shape if thats what you want to do. But that should be part of the recovery process not the "next phase" or "prepping" for a new relationship. If you are getting in shape JUST to be attractive to someone, you'll likely fall back into old patterns once you get involved and become comfortable with them.


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## Resu (May 26, 2015)

Spot on. Thanks for returning the favour.
Can I message you directly so I describe the situation but don't disclose identifying information publicly?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Enigma32 said:


> In my experience, almost everyone you meet out in the wild is having sex with someone. They are either actively in a relationship or the single folks have an ex or FWB they hit up when they feel the urge. Unless OP goes around proclaiming loudly how often he is hooking up with his ex, it won't hurt him in the least when he goes looking for someone new.


I just don't get why anyone would want to have sex with an ex.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> I just don't get why anyone would want to have sex with an ex.


Familiarity and they know how you like it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

jonty30 said:


> Familiarity and they know how you like it.


Yes but they are the ex for a reason.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Yes but they are the ex for a reason.


Yes, but they aren't expecting to fall in love with them again. It's "Wham, bam, thank you man (or ma'am)" and they get on with their lives.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> I just don't get why anyone would want to have sex with an ex.


I just recently had an old ex from years ago hit me up. She comes around every few years or so for the same thing. She just got out of a relationship with a guy and she would like some company. She said she doesn't want to find someone new right now, but she would really like to hang out and hook up with someone she already knows and feels comfortable with...me. I'm with someone so I passed on her offer but she's done this before so I know what she's about. She comes around every few years after another breakup. 

If you break up with someone and there were no seriously painful issues like infidelity, and the sex life was good, who else would you hit up if you are just in the mood for some company for company's sake? Sometimes people just want the company and sex without having to deal with dating or meeting new people they probably won't like. All of my exes have tried to come back around at least once.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

So a few things struck me about your post. One, that you seem like you may be grappling with some self-esteem issues. The way you refer to yourself says you may need to do some inner work on yourself before you are ready to date. If you are seeking validation from new partners that you are in fact attractive as a crutch, that tells me you may benefit from therapy. If you feel you are confident in who you are and you are just looking to meet someone that is different. 

If you are just looking to hook up, some people might not mind that you are also sleeping with your ex, just be honest about the kind of connection you are looking for from them. If you are looking for something longterm, most women will not date someone who is separated (especially if they are sleeping with someone else, and especially if that someone else is a past partner) - they want someone divorced who has cut all ties. I dated a bit when separated after a few months but was pretty clear with folks I met that I wanted something casual and was choosy about who I dated - people who were attractive, ok with us being casual but exclusive etc. In retrospect I wish I had done a bit of work on myself in therapy before pulling the trigger and dating but you live and learn. 

On the weight - I have experienced weight issues too so I get how it can seem like you are unattractive. However - let me tell you, if you are a good person who treats other kindly and puts effort into their appearance, there are people who will date you no matter your weight. 

I'm not gonna lie though, it definitely does effect *how many* potential partners you have. If you are considering your health only, my suggestion would be for your mental and physical health to get some regular exercize outside, and focus less on building muscle; go outside and do something that makes you happy (go for a walk, run, hike, bike, whatever). If you enjoy it, you will do it more often. Focus on eating vegetables first at each meal before you eat the rest of the items on your plate, and cut out sugary drinks if you drink those. See if tweaking those things help. Tracking calories can be helpful even if you change NOTHING about how you eat because you start to see how much you are consuming versus how much a healthy person consumes per day. If you are burning off more than you consume you will start to lose weight. If you are looking for company, you could try joining some local social groups like hiking or walking groups in the area - it makes exercize more fun and could help you make some new friends! Good luck


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

joannacroc said:


> if you are a good person who treats other kindly and puts effort into their appearance, there are people who will date you no matter your weight.
> 
> I'm not gonna lie though, it definitely does effect *how many* potential partners you have.



Let me change the wording,but not the meaning, around a little bit. 

Yes there are some people that will date you despite the weight if you are a good and kind person. 

But there are many many more that WON'T date you due to weight no matter how good or kind you are. 

Weight is something you can change and it will probably be the single biggest factor in determining what options and opportunities you may have, so why not address that first.


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## Resu (May 26, 2015)

Really nice to "see" Erudite here. Good point😃
Thanks for the new posts and thoughts - Esp joannacroc.



joannacroc said:


> some self-esteem issues. The way you refer to yourself says you may need to do some inner work on yourself before you are ready to date


I really am not going anywhere near dating anyone and would not do so unless I had definitely been out of my marriage relationship for long enough if that happens. Joining social activities groups etc. is more possible in the next year or two.

I don't expect to ever meet the single fatal flaw test thanks "oldshirt" -


oldshirt said:


> women tend to be turned away by ONE flaw even if the rest is good.


but quite an eye opener to face the standard!

Attractions arise at times whether sensible or requited or not🤣... Yes to inner work and self esteem. I am not American so I probably don't need a lot of self esteem right enough.🙂

I just went back on TAM and opened this thread
after being jarred/triggered by some of my ex's recent behaviour. Maybe a blip.

I am getting on with weight and waist and will update in the spring. I know there is more to do than the surface impressions so I will get on top of that too in time. All in all plenty have problems bigger than mine and it is nice how you all listen, pitch in and support.




Back in May.


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

Diana7 said:


> I just don't get why anyone would want to have sex with an ex.


Imho, it has everything to do with unresolved feelings. Some peope are adept at ignoring lingering feelings long enough to get into new relationships but more often than not those same feelings keep them from committing to the new partner fully. Its a vicious cycle. Ever hear the song Lips of an Angel? Yeah...


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