# Lost, confused, angry & sad



## Ital-boy (Oct 15, 2010)

First I have to say that I'm very happy I found this web site!

I've been married for just over 11 years...we dated two years before hand.

In the course of the past 11 years we have had a lot of grief and sadness. 5 years ago my wifes sister lost her 3 year battle with Ovarian cancer. We spend 9 years trying to have children....we tried everything. We had a spontaneous pregnency but the fetus stopped growing at 6 weeks. We tried invetro 3 times, all unsuccessful. ( I can write an entire essay on the heartache of invetro. To say it was an emotional roller coaster would be an understatement.) Two years ago we decided it was time to stop trying. The money was running out and considering the history of ovarian cancer, I didn't want my wife to continue give herslef injections to stimulate her ovaries. We tried to look at the postive side of being childless couple; travelling more, being free to come and go, etc.

I would say that we got along pretty good considering everything we were going through. I always tried to be supportive of her and encourage her to be strong in everything she did. When she would come home stressed out from work I would try to offer suggestions or try to make her look at things in a different light. (appearently woman don't want to have things "fixed", they just want to be able to vent and be shown some empathy.......I'm still trying to put this one into practice) The only thing we ever ready argued about was money and domestic responsibilities. I was raised in a house were everyone had to help chip in and do some chores. My wife's mother raised her children to believe that their only responsibility was to do their homework. From the start, I found myslef doing the lions share of housework. When I pointed this out, my wife told me that she found house work a waste of time. I didn't feel it was my responsiblity to tell her what to do or when its time to do it. I asumed I married a mature woman and not a child who had to be told to pick up after. Needless to say, this still makes me angry.

About a year and ahalf ago I started noticing changes in my wifes behaviour, or I should say, her lack of availability. We spent less and less time together. She is very close with her parents and good friends and spends time with them. She spends a great deal of time at work and playing tennis. I felt like I was at the bottom of her list of priorities. I quesitoned her about it on a number of occations and she always told me she had not idea what I was talking about. I found out months later that she had befriended another man, someone she played tennis with, and that they were having an emotional affair. She told me she had an emotional connection with him, something that she said she has never experienced with another man. She told me that I was emotionally unavailable to her. We have been going to couples therapy for just over a year. I would say that I've been a walking zombie since I found out about the affair. I'm going to therapy for two reasons; first, I've put a lot of time and energy into the marriage. Secondly, I truely believe that my wife's unhappyness in her marriage stems from the loss of her sister.

Life in my marriage now feels empty. I feel like we are strangers living in the same house. We stopped having sex. We give each other peeks on the lips when we leave in the morning or come home at night. We don't talk. I should say, my wife never has anything to say. I'm usually the one asking questions just to get a conversation started. I found an article online "9 Signs Emotional Intimacy is Suffering in a Marriage" it reads like a script to my life. I'm pissed off at my wife for making me believe that I was emotionally empty. I feel like I was the one always trying to connect with her, to make her happy. 

It has been a year now trying to keep things together, I don't know how I really feel any more. I feel like I don't really know my wife any more. being intimate with her feels awkward. I'm at a loss. I don't know if what I'm feeling is the natural progress of forgiveness and healing, or if I've finally come to terms with the fact that there is nothing left to save.


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## BUSYBEES (Oct 15, 2010)

You wouldn't believe how many women would be lucky to have someone like you in their life (please don't take this as me hitting on you). I can not believe she would do something like that. When my sister passed I so needed that rock the confort of someone and I did not have that, she did and this is how she repays you . 

Move on... go find a fertile woman (lol j/k) No but really work on you and quit wasting your time with somone who can not be with you emotinally or any other way. Wow she was treated like a queen. 

The house work you should have hired someone taken it out of your wife's income.


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## karlk (Oct 15, 2010)

Hey Ital-Boy,

I feel your pain. Yours almost reads out my life. She didn't lose a sister, but has lost her father. That was a real blow. Now, this past year has been hell for both of us. I got laid off back in July 2009, my mom is dying of cancer, our finances are at their worst, and she has been more and more distant. We've spent less time with each other, and I was actually into that. She would go off and do things she wanted to, and I usually stayed home watched our boys. I thought I was being the perfect husband, giving her time alone. Trouble is now I know that she actually wanted me to be a part of the things she loved. Not always, but when a bunch of our friends wanted to go out to a bar for a birthday..I said go have a good time...she actually wanted us to go and have a good time. Looking back, she's sitting by herself, while other couples are sitting with each other. I also hear you about getting her to open up. I have always encouraged sharing feelings and keeping the lines of communication open. But she still bottled everything inside and as of last night, wants a trial separation. I still have a feeling there's more to it because she's usually so emotional, but she seems almost joyful this is happening. Maybe she too has connected with someone..I don't know what advice I can give, but if you truly and deeply love her. I'd keep up the good fight. I know I'm going to.


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## lovelieswithin (Apr 29, 2010)

I have to agree that she's lucky to have a H that is interested in an emotional connection. Does she know the depths of your unhappiness and loneliness? 
You gotta ask yourself a question while setting aside the long history together: is she bringing enough to the table of marriage to make this daily grief worth it? Then ask your heart something: what if I'm still waiting for her to reconnect with me emotionally years down the road? what a waste that would be =( BUT if you know she loves you and might have her own hangups keeping her from connecting then try to make efforts to figure out what those are. Her life sounds busy and she seems a tad selfish... but perhaps she just overclung to the things that brought her comfort through the death and developed dependencies on them. 
I suggest a drastic move on your part in hopes to knock her off her selfish path of marital destruction by neglect. Shes neglecting you and if she is capable of giving another man attention then she is capable of giving some to you. Enough time has passed that she can't really play the victim or clueless card anymore. Put your foot down and stand up for your own desires and well being before she sucks the life out of you by keeping you in her back pocket. Im sure you have a lot to offer and this has gotta be hurting your self esteem. Make a change and ask her if she's onboard 110% or not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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