# BPD Wife and I am losing my mind!



## babas12345 (Aug 18, 2014)

I suffer the heart wrenching tongue lashings and general bad treatment of a BPD wife. We have been married 1 year and 4 months and I am frightened as hell. I am losing myself, my energy, my peace and sanity. I wake up every morning with this terrible feeling of dread. Depending on how much optimism I can generate, I go through periods where I think this marriage can survive; mostly and as time goes on, I feel less and less hopeful.
Our story is rare. We met online and had a long distance relationship for two years before we got married. We visited each other often and for long periods of time and yes there were arguments and yes there were red flags. Our love was passionate ( not just sex). We thought we found our soul mate in each other. So we ended up getting married and then started the immigration process which took about 8 months before we could be together. My wife moved here. Its been 4 months. 4 months of HELL. 4 months of nearly daily arguments. She hates it here. She told me that she "loves me less than before". More than once we have "discussed" ( her threatening, me suggesting) her going home. We are both miserable. And then there are times when I try to make it right ( yes I know, Co-D). Date nights. Gifts. I bought her a car. Sweet things I do and say. NOTHING MATTERS. NOTHING is enough. She could care less about our finances, spends most of her "disposable" cash on alcohol ( she won't admit to having a drinking problem...she just says she's 'british'). She does not trust me. I do not trust her. Life pretty much sucks.
So you might wonder why I have not pulled the plug? Part of it is that I love her and want it to work out somehow. The other part is that we have gone through so much to be together. I have spent tens of thousands of dollars keeping this relationship afloat, supported her while she lived in the UK, travelled to the point of exhaustion. My savings are almost depleted. She moved countries for me, left her life and job. That was hard for her.
Reading your posts I am petrified that if I don't get out now, she will drain me completely dry of my self esteem and my money. The longer we stay married the more money she is entitled to get from me. Yes I live in a community property state. And guess what? I am lawyer and know the ins and outs of all things divorce.
I am seeing a therapist. We tried couples but after two times she wouldn't go back.
How do I get the courage to end this and survive the heartbreak?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Hooooold on.

Could you disclose the general part of the world you are from, she is from, and where you are living?

People often freak out when adjusting and some (my wife) never do. Some people adapt pretty quickly (me).

Look up the posts of a guy whose wife was from Not-Here (it's one of those expansion countries ) and took a while to adjust in Boonies, US of A. His name is 'married tech'. 

Also is your wife's family well off to do in her home country? Or is she playing the financial immigrant card? Nothing wrong with that, the job market in my field in my birth country is about zero, do I likely would be teaching Psych 101 to unlucky undergrads in some random college there... What's your wife's employment picture like?

Don't be too quick with BPD. Consider the case that she does not like it there. My older girl spent the summer in Europe and had to be dragged back to the States... So...


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

if you are in the u.s you committed to supporting her for 10 years. The best thing that could happen to you would be for her to go home. 

if she's abusive then you need to start documenting it. Because you can get out of this based on abuse.

It seems silly to try to salvage this. The best thing that could happen to you now that you're nearly broke is her leaving and getting half of nothing 

if you manage to get your financial house back in order that's just all the more money she is going to walk away with.

look you made a mistake. You didn't know. But now you do and you have no excuse if you don't take care of this and get rid of her. 

no matter how much she hates where she lives now she has no excuse for treating you this way. 

document, document, document.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## babas12345 (Aug 18, 2014)

Clip clop. You are right. 10 years. And it is a very scary proposition. Most people don't know that when they sign off on the Affidavit of Support. Yes the best thing would be for her to go back to the UK. Divorce by default as she will not be here to try and get anything from me. Yet, I am prepared to send her packing with some money. And she can keep her diamond. And my mother's diamond. And all the other jewelry. I just want to be done with all of it. And good luck to her if she wants more $$$. After a year and a half of marriage, I am willing to roll the dice; after all, she is playing in my sandbox.
John. Yes. SHE IS MOST CERTAINLY A BPD. All the traits were there glaring at me before she moved here. I just wasn't clued in fast enough. She basically kicked it into high gear after the wedding. That is when the real disfunction began!!
Clip clop thank you again so much for all of your great advice and suggestions. I read the article and it was very helpful.
I am still in the mind state that it won't get better but I can't seem to deal with the broken hearted aftermath. Hell I am brokenhearted now, so maybe I am half way there anyway.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Unless she's evaluated by a competent practitioner and diagnosed, anyone can diagnose anyone else via any given acronym. 

Not that it matters given her behavior...


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## catfan (Jan 12, 2013)

She needs to be diagnosed by a therapist and must be willing to work on herself if she has indeed BPD. I have BPD too (amongst other issues) and I'm in a long term therapy plan. Basicly I need to control intense emotions and control my first reaction to them. Luckily I don't have issues with money, drugs or sex or whatever! 
Maybe she has issues caused by the move. But whatever it is, she must be able to talk calmly about it and accept help if needed.


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## Mortie (Dec 19, 2013)

babas, I would have her diagnossed before anything if you can. My wife is PBD and it has been a rollercoaster ride for our entire marriage. Are you willing to live that way for the rest of your life? Yes, It is possible to live with a BPD. just be prepared for a very very stormy life. It will take a lot of give on your part and very little take. My wife cannot work because she cannot deal with people. People are not safe to her. Her only friends are online friends and trust me, that alone WILL get her in trouble. My wife has problems telling people no, both men and women. 
She is impulsive and very self destructive. BBD's are usually into sex and if yours is, that might be what you are really in love with?? BPD's have a way of roping men in with sex. Once they have you, and they know they have you, thats when the rough ride starts. We have been married for 20+ years and my wife told me recently told me that I should have run when I met her. And she was serious. 
If your wife is infact BPD, think about what you are doing. Really think about it. Sorry you are there.


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

Get out now man, send her home. The more stress you have in life the worse she will be. Think if it got doubly worse after you have kids with her!


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## babas12345 (Aug 18, 2014)

Thanks for all your replies. She no longer wears her ring. Her facebook page has changed back to her maiden name. If I am in a room, she goes elsewhere. When I express emotion she calls me selfish and dramatic. She got mad and stormed out of the house tonight because I told her that I mean nothing to her. Is she baiting me to tell her to leave?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Yes.

But I'm going to reiterate.

It does not matter whether she's BPD or not. Just get out.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

What state are you in? If you are lucky enough to be in PA you don't even have to live separately to be separated. 6 months living separate lives sleeping in separate beds is all it takes to file for divorce. Get educated.

Dont tell her any thoughts or plans until you know the divorce laws in your state.

I can't tell you what she is trying to do apart from show you her strength. Yes, she wants a response from you but I don't know if it is for you to crawl to her on bended knee or to kick her out. She would get satisfaction from both in different ways.

Do your homework. Document. Keep a diary and consider a VAR. That way of she flips out on you you have something to use against her. I don't give a rat's behind about the people who will tell you this is illegal. You aren't doing it to use in court unless you really have to. This is about leverage.


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## babas12345 (Aug 18, 2014)

what is a VAR?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Voice activated recorder.


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## babas12345 (Aug 18, 2014)

Thanks! I will! I just need advice on how/what to say and think about the mechanics of her move. Mostly I don't want to be around when she is packing. I think that will make it worse for both of us. It's my house. I could take my dog and leave for a few weeks I guess. IT is not like she is going to trash the place. She is not that type. Her destructiveness is geared towards me!
And its calif. And I am a lawyer. LOL.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I don't think it's a good idea to leave your house. if she went into vindictive mode she could claim that you abandoned her. so swallow hard and lay low. 

it really behooves you to stick it out a little longer and get some recorded evidence of her abusiveness. don't do any passiver aggressive provocation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

So she's from the UK and dislikes California? Mega :lol:...

Sounds like my friend's Parisian wife who pulled a similar stunt when her American husband and her moved from Paris to the desolation and provincial life of Cambridge, Mass.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

It is a different world. Don't downplay that. It isn't fair. Those things are issues but they are not the major issues. If you blow off real concerns she will eat you alive. Her response is the problem.

She can go home. You understand and won't stop her. The experiment didn't work. Nobody's fault.


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## babas12345 (Aug 18, 2014)

Clip clop I think that is a good idea. I am not going to leave. And I am going out of town for a few days so I will take some extra time to think things through. Thanks!


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

what did she say when you told her you were going to go away for a few days? just remember that if she is BPD you are going away could make her decide to be clingy and give you just the opposite of what you really want which is for her to leave. 

just be very clear that you are coming back. let her read that anyway she wants but what you mean is that you're coming back to the house.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ricky15100 (Oct 23, 2013)

I dont understand why everyone insists she gets diagnosed? Bpd or not her behaviour is enough to drive any one insane, I know the kind of energy sapping situation hes in and if he doesnt drop this nut job like a hot coal hes in for a world of pain. No kids, 1 and half years youre lucky my friend get rid of her yesterday!


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## babas12345 (Aug 18, 2014)

She is ok with me going away for a few days because she knows I have to return my daughter to my ex. This was planned long ago. She is not in the clingy mode. I haven't felt real love and affection from her for some time now. She has shut off. I asked for a hug today. I could feel nothing emanating from her. Today I am having a logical/ I can survive this kinda day. Yesterday I was sobbing on my closet floor and cried off an on until I fell asleep. I am really looking forward to getting away and recharging.


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## babas12345 (Aug 18, 2014)

I wanted to respond to all the nice posters who said to have her diagnosed. SHE WON'T DO iT. She says I am the one who needs psychiatric help. Typical. I have spoken to both psychiatrist and psychologist friends as well as my therapist. IF it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's likely a duck. She's classic. Look up BPD in the dictionary and you will see a picture of her with the name "BABAS WIFE".


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## babas12345 (Aug 18, 2014)

john117 said:


> so she's from the uk and dislikes california? Mega :lol:...
> 
> Sounds like my friend's parisian wife who pulled a similar stunt when her american husband and her moved from paris to the desolation and provincial life of cambridge, mass.


john i love your wit. Rofl.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

This story goes back a long way. The guy and I were classmates in a few grad classes and became good friends. He spoke perfect French and got a 3 year stint in Paris, then moved back married to Cambridge. 

As it happened I spent a few months in Cambridge too and we had dinner together. They were madly in love and could not keep their hands off each other. 

Four months later she did exactly like Mrs. OP and returned to France...

My friend proceeded to spend a wild decade partying and skiing, then married a wonderful lady from the heartland, partied and skied for another decade with her and decided to have a baby at age 52 (him) and 38 (her). He moved to the heartland and is a happy camper.


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## Duguesclin (Jan 18, 2014)

When I first arrived in the US, I had to drive my French boss to a private dinner. He had a present from his neighbor to his daughter who had just married her American boyfriend. She had to marry him quick because her visa was running out and she needed a green card.

She had the pleasure to witness the INS at work. They showed up one morning at 5am at her place to see if she was with her husband (she was!). Got asked if she knew her husband's tooth brush color and other questions like this (like in the movie Green Card with Gerard Depardieu and Andie MacDowell). She and her husband passed the test.

I saw her a year later at a party and discovered she had just divorced her husband and was on the look out for another one. She told me he was just too selfish and did not spend any time with her. She seemed very sincere.

You would think that the US and Europe, especially Western Europe, would not be that far apart culturally. But think twice. International marriage is not that easy.

As far as the BPD diagnosis, I seriously question TAM diagnosis. It is way too easy.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I agree that using the term BPD can be very insulting and that as a label it carries one of the worst stigmas. That stigma is because BPD was thought to be untreatable but that seems to be no longer the case. The label is serious however and even doctors shy away from using it. 

Looking purely at her behavior I think we can all agree he would be best served by her leaving.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Even moving to the US from Canada is difficult. Not having to pay that outrageous VAT does not make up for being away from friends and family and your culture.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I moved from the backwaters of Europe to the Deep South for college and it took me all of a week to get acclimated. My wife is on year 35 and still not there yet.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I think they would both be better off if they split up.


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## poppyseed (Dec 22, 2013)

babas12345 said:


> We have been married 1 year and 4 months and I am frightened as hell.
> 
> So we ended up getting married and then started the immigration process which took about 8 months before we could be together. My wife moved here. Its been 4 months. 4 months of HELL. 4 months of nearly daily arguments.
> 
> How do I get the courage to end this and survive the heartbreak?


You are only married a little over a year and has she got her green card yet? Not sure what portion of assets you would end up losing in the event of D knowing it is such a short time you've been married? Enlighten me if you could, please?

Cut the loss and move on. 

She doesn't love you. She married you because of your bank accounts e.g. savings, social status and possibly for a green card etc. Stop letting your heart dictate the situation and start using the logic. Have you disclosed the amount of savings you may have, to this woman, for example? D her and just watch what she would be doing after. She will be moving on to her next "victim" in no time, I would expect.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Well, poppyseed, I don't think the OP is doing any better than his wife. Do you see how needy he is? Do you see how unattractive and even repellant neediness and whininess is?

This will be his second divorce. Maybe he should start looking at _himself_ . . .


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Jesus, sometimes you are just beyond rude. Not every male is a "rock" like Dug.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

pidge70 said:


> Jesus, sometimes you are just beyond rude. Not every male is a "rock" like Dug.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



All the same, if he is in an easy to get out of situation then pull the cord and be done with it.

I'm a "rock" type incidentally and perhaps I take my vows a bit more seriously but still I would rather bail at year 1.5 with no commitments than year 30 with an iPad full of commitments.

And yes, you can be a "rock" and still mess up or be a "wuss" and luck out. It's luck of the draw.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Absolutely. End it now. 

And really, she wants to. She looks pretty clearly to me to be heading home. I hope he lets her.


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## nightmoves8 (Aug 30, 2012)

As always ...John has hit it on the head with that last post of his.

Hey ...we are ALL hearing and feeling his pain. It is visceral.

This is NOT about being strong or weak.

I (as John) am a pretty damn strong individual. I hold my vows and my responsibility to my family VERY highly.

But end of the day...until anyone has lived in the utmost of BSC world...lets not be so quick to label here.
As John has said in other words...yea...i am hoping that we ALL are able to look at why we are on this site...and change.
BUT...he is in the middle of a burning building. First thing we can do ...is help him survive.

I assume that is why there are various sub-topic rooms for healing and learning once he gets out of the fire.


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## poppyseed (Dec 22, 2013)

jld said:


> Absolutely. End it now.
> 
> And really, she wants to. She looks pretty clearly to me to be heading home. I hope he lets her.


Yes. I am aware that some men / women do put up with dominating behaviour over a number of years. Perhaps, I may be even one once upon a time. Certainly, the OP will need a therapy if he hasn't been to see anyone yet. This one can well be regarded as a case of domestic abuse involving financial domination, harassment and psychological/emotional abuse. He may not see this woman as a "perpetrator" at the moment. Sooner he gets out, the better.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

She is planning her exit strategy. You should be as well. SERIOUSLY! get educated with the divorce laws of your state, and in your case, any federal laws as well. If you dont, can you take another 20 or more years of this?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

what are you talking about? what does that mean if he lets her? Have you read this thread or you just responding to something that's not there JLD.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## changedbeliefs (Jun 13, 2014)

Why do we even act like this is a tough decision, like marriage suddenly means we should put up with a Mt. Everest of s**t? It's not working, you hate each other ----> END IT. That's it. You "love her"? You think that's reason to put up with all this crap?!?!? C'mon, open your eyes, man. There is no one person "destined" for any of us, that would make any of this worth it. Plenty of fish in the sea, go drop your line somewhere....


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## poppyseed (Dec 22, 2013)

Changedbeliefs It's interesting to hear what you say. 

I was talking to a therapist the other day and he commented lots of men DO stay in a bad relationship. I "knew" this knowing a few examples but couldn't quite work that out as to why. 

I have known one guy who was physically assaulted by his wife and he ended up in a hospital: he took her back afterwards when the police asked him if he wanted to press charges for GBH. He said, no. After 3 years on, he's separated (she moved out without telling him) but he still hadn't divorced. It turned out that this woman was seeing someone else.


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## changedbeliefs (Jun 13, 2014)

Exactly, poppy. It just blows me away, so many instances of lousy, lousy, LOUSY relationships, and people stay in them. There is NO OTHER type of situation we would ever tell people to gut out. Lousy job? Get a new one. Car constantly breaking? Get a new one. Hate your neighborhood? Move out. Marriage sucks? Hey, hang in there, stick it out... It's fascinating to me, and completely maddening at the same time.


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

babas12345 said:


> I wanted to respond to all the nice posters who said to have her diagnosed. SHE WON'T DO iT. She says I am the one who needs psychiatric help. Typical. I have spoken to both psychiatrist and psychologist friends as well as my therapist. IF it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's likely a duck. She's classic. Look up BPD in the dictionary and you will see a picture of her with the name "BABAS WIFE".


Been there....classic blame shift. I got my ex to go to marriage counseling however, but she was kicking me under the table whenever I was telling the counselor something she didn't want me to. 
There is a reason she wasn't "taken" there and you found it. Dump her. You'll realize what you've been missing when you start to date a normal woman and feel like a massive weight has been lifted off of you.


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## "joe" (Aug 19, 2013)

i'm from nyc and my wife is from a foreign country* and it didn't work. 

* the south


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## tagearl (Dec 21, 2013)

poppyseed said:


> Changedbeliefs It's interesting to hear what you say.
> 
> I was talking to a therapist the other day and he commented lots of men DO stay in a bad relationship. I "knew" this knowing a few examples but couldn't quite work that out as to why.
> 
> I have known one guy who was physically assaulted by his wife and he ended up in a hospital: he took her back afterwards when the police asked him if he wanted to press charges for GBH. He said, no. After 3 years on, he's separated (she moved out without telling him) but he still hadn't divorced. It turned out that this woman was seeing someone else.


This story is like mine. I am a guy and find it VERY diffficult to get out of a bad relationship. The bad Relationship is not in doubt, but the exit strategy is.

Why?

It has (jmo) something to do with the way the relationship works. I'm with a MN (malignant narc). Ie a self centred person gets together with a low border people pleaser.

And when things get tricky I get blamed and accused of all sorts of things which I find extremely difficult to handle. I get panicy and very anxious and so back down from confrontations.

Hence the agro that goes with a separation creates a very high barrier to achieving that very goal.

I am going round in circles and would love to have a pair of those big brass cojones I hear so much about


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## tagearl (Dec 21, 2013)

this story is like mine...babas not the GBH one


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## poppyseed (Dec 22, 2013)

tagearl said:


> Hence the agro that goes with a separation creates a very high barrier to achieving that very goal.
> 
> I am going round in circles and would love to have a pair of those big brass cojones I hear so much about



My suggestion is, make plans and secure a new place to live elsewhere, start moving your stuff to your new place and then move out when your GF /or wife is away for a few days. No contact until the dust settles. 

I have heard of one person, who moved out in the middle of the night when his wife / hubby is asleep. Yes, wise to avoid confrontations which can be emotionally hazardous.


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## tagearl (Dec 21, 2013)

it is reassuring to know I am not the only one who fears confrontations.

Have a spare roof, so that's Ok, sticking point is D age 5.

I am an active dad so that is the difficult bit.


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## Threetimesalady (Dec 22, 2010)

How do you do it...You stand up and say I can't...I have tried everything I can and it has failed...When you do this you do not go back on your promise to yourself...You see she will never change...You will, but not her...Living with a Bipolar person can be hell...You see they find your weak points and use you along these lines...She cannot help herself...This is the way she is wired...Just as God wired you mentally strong, she was made a different way...She probably has this gene in her family...

I know Bipolar...I have lived with it in my family....Thankfully you did not have children as this gene is very hereditary...Good luck...


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Threetimesalady said:


> How do you do it...You stand up and say I can't...I have tried everything I can and it has failed...When you do this you do not go back on your promise to yourself...You see she will never change...You will, but not her...Living with a Bipolar person can be hell...You see they find your weak points and use you along these lines...She cannot help herself...This is the way she is wired...Just as God wired you mentally strong, she was made a different way...She probably has this gene in her family...
> 
> I know Bipolar...I have lived with it in my family....Thankfully you did not have children as this gene is very hereditary...Good luck...


BPD isn't bipolar. It stands for Borderline Personality Disorder.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Problem is that it can often read the same way I these threads. 

Peeps should spell it out. But I still dint like lay pronouncements of borderline because people still maintain that it is not treatable when that is not the case in many circumstances.


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## Threetimesalady (Dec 22, 2010)

pidge70 said:


> BPD isn't bipolar. It stands for Borderline Personality Disorder.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sorry about that...Unfortunately, I looked at it as BP or Bipolar...Next time I will look at it closer....:scratchhead:...I am not familiar with the other...Thanks...


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## TroyN (Jan 24, 2014)

babas12345 said:


> Thanks for all your replies. She no longer wears her ring. Her facebook page has changed back to her maiden name. If I am in a room, she goes elsewhere. When I express emotion she calls me selfish and dramatic. She got mad and stormed out of the house tonight because I told her that I mean nothing to her. Is she baiting me to tell her to leave?



Huge disrespect. Get out now. 

I'm not trying to be a jerk here, but being a lawyer and possessing a good amount of intelligence in order to pass law school, shouldn't have you gotten a good read on her before you made such a commitment? I know you said you got red flags...

I'm sorry for what you are going through - I totally understand it.


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