# Thinking of checking out of this life



## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

please read my previous posts, my wife has left into the arms of another man or woman, cant bear do see my house i built, my 2,5 and 7 years olds being raised by someone else, the love i devoted to them, my wife who doesn't care, has completely abandoned me to live like a teenager she 39 turning 40 , going into mediation for divorce, cant do it think it might be time to depart from this life, too much pain to handle.


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## JDL8787 (Jul 23, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

1-800-273-8255
It's the National Suicide Lifeline. Call it.

You will be doing grave harm to your children if you kill yourself. They need you. Fight for them and fight to be as much of a part of their lives as you can. Fight for it in mediation, then follow through by being the best dad you can.

Your children did not leave you for someone else. Don't push them away. Don't leave them. They are not their mother. They don't deserve this.

It will get better. You won't always feel this bad. You have to believe that. Please call this number for help.

Keep reaching out here, and keep fighting for life. It will be worth it. I think you want to or you wouldn't have reached out now. Think of what you will miss if you aren't here to see your children. Be here for all of it. ((hugs)) to you.


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## JDL8787 (Jul 23, 2012)

That's a terrible thing to say man... Believe me I feel your pain, my 3 and 1 year old are with their mother and her affair parter that she moved into her new rent house a week after true dating. He's a scum bag who just got out of rehab/jail with no car, license, and no job who lived with his parents. I own my house, car, have a great job and while i was not perfect I never cheated or put my hands on her... I was with my wife for 8 years and she left 10 days after talking about having another child and ***celebrating*** our 8th anniversary, all for him and also that fast. I have had stupid thoughts too man, but know this it gets better. I'm only 4 months out 2 months since I filed, I'm still in love with her, but I'm on a path to self re-building. The one thing that stopped me from doing something to the OM (which would have ended my life... Prison) were my children, and you should use yours as your strength. It hurts to just get cast aside for another person or a "stranger" with or without warning in sight, but it's a reality and people in our shoes deal with it everyday. Like I said I'm 4 months out, I have trouble everyday, but now I can honestly say that I have good days again. It will get better, just takes time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SCsweety81 (Sep 27, 2012)

Please, please call the hotline, BCC!

Your children deserve their father!

Prayers for you!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You posted this just days ago.



bcc said:


> Thank you DC I have turned to God for support. Im still here and hanging on, I saw her tonight for the kids and I took a good look and thought *why am I making myself sick over this woman, she has more issues than sports illustrated*( terrible childhood ,weight issues, self esteem) and she needs help (never gets it) and im suffering because of this. Its not right. Am i going to die over her,


Get some help. Don't do what you're contemplating to your kids.


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

Man I wish I could feel that, to me it's all or nothing . I dont see any future, my kids better off without me around. It breaks my heart to see their little faces and the desperation in their hearts, the unconditional love i gave them. Too me its not worth it to see them suffer lose their home, their daddy used to be at home everynight now im with nothing, how can u say it gets better


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

I've been there man! Over the past 20 years I have attempted a few times, but backed out just in time. It doesn't feel like it now, but it WILL get better. Regardless where you children live, with you or not, they still need their dad. You need to stay around to make sure the other guy doen't mistreat them. If you don't live for yourself, at least live for them.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

But it's not all or nothing. Life just isn't that way. Think about your entire life -- it's mostly grey, not black or white. You may not be able to be there every moment that you would have been if their mom hadn't left, but you can still be there to teach them, be with them, and most importantly, to love them.

I will guarantee you that if you do what you want, at some time in the future, they will wonder what's wrong with them - why didn't Daddy fight for me? Why wasn't I worth it? 

Many of us here are in similar situations. That's how we can say it. I wasn't even one night away from my son until he was 4 when I had a trip for work, and then not again until he was 7 when he had his first sleepover. Otherwise, I was with him every night. His dad left me. I didn't give in to that changing my position as 'mom' any more than I absolutely had to. I see him nearly every day, even if just for a few minutes after school. I call him to say good night when he's not with me. I refuse to let his dad's decision about our marriage affect the fact that I am my child's parent. 

And do you know what? Despite that upheaval, our relationship is actually better now than it was when we all lived together. He saw the pain I was in with his dad. He also saw the pain when I moved away from home and set up my own place. How much I hurt when his dad started dating right away. But my son knows I will not leave him. 

It does make a difference to our children whether we are there or not. Now that your children are here, they are your responsibility -- you are their dad. Think about how much their hearts will break if they could NEVER see you again -- not just if they can't see you each night.


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

why live for them, im useless, I still love their mother and want the family back together, we were perfect freaken family and now nothing just the hangmans noose is left for me cant see the future at all. dont want to but only solution, come on does it really get better, dont believe it.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

Of course it gets better! We don't know you, therefore, we have NO reason to lie to you.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Yes, yes, yes!!! It really gets better! I am proof. We were married for 10 years, dated for 4 before that. We weren't perfect, but I always believed we loved each other deep down. When he broke us apart, I wanted the earth to open up and swallow me. I felt I had given my entire being to my marriage and family, and I had failed. Otherwise, why would he leave? Wouldn't I be enough? 

You cannot take responsibility for her choices. They are on her. But what *you* do is *your* responsibility. You love your family. You will have a different family, but it is still a family -- you and your children. They will not understand how you could love them, and leave them. What if this man is horrible to them -- wouldn't you want to stop it? Of course! But, you can't if you're not here!!


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

You need to take a hard look at this. Do you love your children? I believe you do. They are young and they are depending on you. When they look sad, hold them and tell them you love them. Do things to make them smile. Do things to show them you love them. Do things with them that will make their life better -- spend time with them. Hold their hands, draw with them, play in the park. Make memories for you and them.


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## JDL8787 (Jul 23, 2012)

It's a constant struggle. I feel despair often enough to have to reach out to people on a weekly basis. But it does ease up. I would probably go to MC to work it out, but she's so cold and heartless to me, told me that she was never happy with me just to destroy me to the core, I'm not a religious man, but I do believe we all posses an inner strength that will reveal itself when it's needed most, if you do have a faith, I suggest you pray for the that strength to come out, if not, you really need to analyze what you're saying here. Leaving your children fatherless will only make their lives harder and perhaps they may think it was their fault. You don't want them to end up messed up because you "thought" they'd be better off? In reality you would only be hurting them much more than the divorce itself and that would also hurt would be much deeper.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

Can you list a few things that you and the kids have done in the past that was fun and made them laugh?


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## SCsweety81 (Sep 27, 2012)

Can you imagine the damage your suicide would do to your seven-year old? Can you imagine the heartache the children would endure saying goodbye to their father?

Please call the number. You owe it to those kids.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

JDL8787 said:


> You don't want them to end up messed up because you "thought" they'd be better off? *In reality you would only be hurting them much more than the divorce itself* and that would also hurt would be much deeper.


There is no going back on a decision like this. As long as you are here, you always have a do-over. You can always try again; have another chance.


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## growup (Oct 15, 2012)

bcc said:


> please read my previous posts, my wife has left into the arms of another man or woman, cant bear do see my house i built, my 2,5 and 7 years olds being raised by someone else, the love i devoted to them, my wife who doesn't care, has completely abandoned me to live like a teenager she 39 turning 40 , going into mediation for divorce, cant do it think it might be time to depart from this life, too much pain to handle.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I came close to eating a bullet a few months back when I found out my wife was cheating on me for the second time. But what kept me going was hate. I wanted to see her suffer. 

Now she is suffering from hwr choices, and it has not been nice to watch. But I have slowly moved on and I am healing. You will too. 

Your life has value....even if you had never had children or met that vampire of a wife of yours. Don't let her evil mentality and selfishness dictate your future or your life. Spend every waking hour fighting for your children and your rights as a father. Make that your mission. Don't lay down and take her crap! 

One day she will rue what she did. You WILL come out on top bcc.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Hey man, I don't know the solution, I too live with the constant thought of not really wanting to live on the backburner in my mind too, it is very incessant, for a long time after my separation I really did feel like things were getting better, I had coped with the loss of my ex - I am a year and a half out, and life is stagnant right now, and despite the intuition that has never failed me and that I have grown to trust, screaming at me silently that there is no purpose for me, I am pushing to fight through it and flip those thoughts, flip what my instinct is telling me about my self-worth, because there is a part of me that still has hope in this world that it will not be a complete waste.

One thing I am coming to accept, the thing that has always disturbed me about people saying "you owe your children a mentally healthy father who doesn't take the cowardly way out" is that is just a fear tactic, as mean as this sounds, I don't want to live purely to provide for my son, I want to live for me. And one thing I have resolved in my mind, based from a comment I read on this site last year (by whom I can not remember) is that before I even come close to offing myself I would make a genuine effort to go for broke - if you are constantly thinking of quietly oozing down the drain of the deceased why not instead do something crazy and spectacular that you think is good and someone should do in this world? one thing about getting your mind to a point of having nothing to lose is that you become free to try something full of all kinds of risk that would have held you back before. I don't know what that is for you, but maybe you go backpacking across south america, climb a building and yell something to the world, I don't know just do something other than closing your eyes forever.

And if you can't bring yourself to that point realize that what is holding you back is that you do in fact have something to lose, so recognize that and make a proactive choice, take ownership of that choice so that you can start making your life what you want to. Your marriage may be dead, so what? The damage to your family has been done, and you are not the one to take all the blame, you get less than half the blame - so no longer dwell on it because you can't change it all you can change is your attitude, and when you begin getting the right attitude (which is what I am trying to work on in myself) good things will come into your life again, fatherhood becomes sweeter, days become brighter and life becomes more peaceful.

I don't really want to preach advise, I just want you to know as unique as your feelings are to you, you are not completely alone in them. I sense your pain, If you need to say anything I check my inbox here all the time, PM me anytime you need someone to listen.


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## KnK (Oct 15, 2012)

My mother and father divorced and it was hard on me but when my father killed himself. I fell apart and my world has never been the same. He took my life as well in the sense that I was completely lost in this world and then had to deal with daddy issues in my marriage. It was completely selfish of him to not stay and fight , for the sake of my sisters and myself. Please don't do that to your children.


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## growup (Oct 15, 2012)

i did not read all of the post so maybe it has been suggested. i do understand the heartache. i was close too. i just wanted it to stop. i started anti-depression medication and within two days it was like time had pasted and the heartache was not so very close. i want to let you know that you need to take care of yourself. i was told i was crazy over and over again. i even had myself tested for mental illness. i have no mental illness. But, i've been married 40 years and learned my husband leads a private life and he has for years. of course he denied everything and calls me crazy. i wanted to believe him, but i have too much information regarding the other life. This caused so much conflict in me i had a heart attack. i learned that when you are in a long term stressful situation,your blood platlet become thick and can cause blood clot. i was in high stress for over a year. mediation and exercise is also helpful. forcing yourself to do activities i was told is also important. i can't seem to force myself. i'm an artist,but can't paint. i still want so very much to learn the truth.about my husband and i continue to research and follow bits of information. i feel like my life with my husband is the proxy life. i have stopped trying to talk about this with my husband. i can't stand hearing i'm crazy.you know where you stand. it is far worst having a spouse lie and lie and you are on the post because you love him, but everything in your gut tells you different. all you do is search for the truth so you move on. .


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

KnK, I think having a father that is in a perpetual state of not wanting to be alive would cause you just as much issues as the ones you have had to face.

But the thing about depression is that even if it lasts for a long, long time, is that it doesn't have to be a permanent condition - however when you are in depression it colors your memories and makes it seem as if you've always been depressed.

For me, the thought of keeping on joyless in life and in constant servitude to the needs of my dependents only causes more depression and anxiety about getting through the next day.

I honestly don't think that entertaining suicide is completely selfish, because for a person with such low self worth they honestly believe they are doing others, including their children, a favor by removing themselves from the living.

Of course applying logic to those words and the horrible examples of victims such as you, should make one realize how wrong that reasoning really is. To me what is so sad is the number of lonely depressed people, and ones going through crisis' like Bcc's who are trying to reach out and the only time people seem to really care or take on the willingness to really help is when they are threatening to be a stain on the concrete.

bcc, you are perfectly normal for wanting to die for the horrible pain you are suffering right now. No matter what argument people try to convince you to stick around, the sense of urgency is because the pain you are feeling will subside to a manageable level, this too shall pass, as they say. Grin and bear it, call the hotline, don't worry about anything at all except getting through this and when you do acknowledge your survival.


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

I havent left yet still here. I cant believe how in a matter of days your life can go from routine to pure hell, does anybody feel this. I still am having trouble holding on.


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

Hey BBC,

Please, please, please get some help. I know that you *think* your loved ones are better off without you....but, it is so not true. Trust me.

My brother killed himself several years ago. Prior to him choosing to take his own life, he would make comments about how we would all be better off without him. He once told my mom, "But, you have the girls....you will be fine without me."

It was such an incredibly selfish point of view, but he couldn't see above himself. He couldn't see the "big picture"....he couldn't give himself the time to get help and to rise above this moment in time and see that this is not permanent. 

He shattered my life...he shattered my mother's life...he shattered my father's life. You will do the same to your kids. You will ruin part of them forever. Part of me is ruined forever because of my brother's choice. 

The truth is, I know that my testimony of my life shattered, and other people's testimonies of their shattered lives probably don't have much effect on you right now if you are in this toxic mindset. But, please, please, please...give yourself some _*time*_. Give your the gift of _*help*_...the gift of a greater perspective. Please. 

I saw this today....


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

bcc 

I'm actually with you bro. I thought about this once before but I was much much younger. I'm 36. Wife cheated on me, now tells me that she LOVES me and will always forever love me, but needs time because she can't find the attraction and emotions for me now. She wants to separate, and take my 3 yr old daughter. I love them with all my heart and I realized I'd been a jerk of a husband a lot of our time together. 

Since hitting bottom, my friends, family ... everyone has stomped on me. Kicked me hard while I was down. NOW I'm making changes to myself to be a better man. 

... then I hear a song. Have a thought, see a photo... TONS of triggers are here for me and it hurts. It hurts bad. I've seriously conteplated it myself a few times in the last month. All I can keep thinking about is my daughter, my daughter, my daughter. She won't be 3 forever and she WILL grow up some day and someone will have to tell her what I did. 

I keep telling myself that it's ok, people will only miss me for a short while. But that's not true. FAMILY is FAMILY! Love is LOVE! I know that if something were to happen to me it would be devastating to a lot of people, and I don't have a lot of friends. 

PLease, call that hotline. I know it's hard to see out of the friggin hole man, but IT'S THERE! You don't have to be able to see it to know it's there. There is a future, trust me. The pain you have is terrible, but it'll make you a better person once you climb out. 

Call the hotline. Make the call. Those are VERY professional and nice people. They.. CAN... HELP! please get help.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Also bcc -- please make an appointment and see a doctor. Your body and mind are under a lot of stress. There may be something a doctor can give you to help you over this hump and help you hold on.

Thanks for letting us know you're OK.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Bcc

Back in HS, a friend of mine (bandmate) his father committed suicide (different reason). My friend never forgave his father. Even as an adult, I recall him going to his grave site to urinate on his grave stone and swear at him. Is this the legacy you want to leave your kids? Don't do it man!!!! Don't do it!!!!


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Bcc:
None of us know you, and yet we are all concerned that you get support for your despair. Think how devasted people will be who know you in real life. 

Have you ever known anyone who committed suicide? Did you see the heart-broken relatives he/she left behind? How will your parents handle it? Please hang in there. You are so young; you cannot know that the rest of your life will suck. You will find a path through this.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

lovesherman said:


> Bcc:
> None of us know you, and yet we are all concerned that you get support for your despair. Think how devasted people will be who know you in real life.
> 
> Have you ever known anyone who committed suicide? Did you see the heart-broken relatives he/she left behind? How will your parents handle it? Please hang in there. You are so young; you cannot know that the rest of your life will suck. You will find a path through this.


^^^^^^^^^
This Bcc this... trust me I have seen the results in person. Your kids will blame themselves and hate you. You don't want that... don't die in vain. Please tell me you are not going to go through with this. I will PM you my number, but as others have indicated call a suicide hotline as a first option. Please don't.


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

I dont think i can take the pain much more, waking up in cold sweats panic attacks anxiety depression, i am seeing professional with med. still no relief of the broken heart,, how do i fix broken heart


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

bcc said:


> I dont think i can take the pain much more, waking up in cold sweats panic attacks anxiety depression, i am seeing professional with med. still no relief of the broken heart,, how do i fix broken heart


Godda*n it don't... Please don't. Talk with someone.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

A broken heart, like anything else, will heal. But like anything else, it does take time and TLC. When you want to heal part of your body, you take care of yourself, eat food that will help, get rest, but most of all, you don't give up. It's the same with this heartache, bcc. The pain will heal. 

If you are still having these symptoms (the anxiety and panic attacks, etc.), it could be that the medication you're taking hasn't kicked in yet (some take 6-8 weeks before you start to notice) or it may not be the right one. See your doctor again, and tell him/her how bad you feel, and that you need something else right away. It's important. 

If you start feeling physically better, you'll be able to tackle your emotions a little better. 

We are all here for a reason, bcc. You may not even know what the biggest reason is. But you already have three little reasons, and they're your children. Certainly you don't think the heartache they'll feel is any less than what you're feeling now. And they have a whole life ahead of them to feel it. Do you really want to inflict that on them? They're little and they need you. 

Please call your doctor now and get in ASAP. If you have to, go to the emergency room and tell them how bad you feel. They'll be able to help you.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

bcc said:


> I dont think i can take the pain much more, waking up in cold sweats panic attacks anxiety depression, i am seeing professional with med. still no relief of the broken heart,, how do i fix broken heart


I PM'd you my number... Dude please... I've seen this story before. You owe it to your kids who you already said you love unconditionally. Continue to show them by sticking around. They will see who you are in time. But, give them that chance.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Bcc 

You still there?


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## oceandreaming (Oct 15, 2012)

Goodness, my father was and still is the greatest man in my life. My parents separated twice when I was very young. Both times my mother moved me across the country. Even though I did not see him every day, I knew my dad loved me. Your children need you.


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## how was your day? (Oct 10, 2012)

bcc

i've been feeling the same way

desperation, lost, trapped

i've been having nightmares everynight, i wake up alone, i feel alone, cold sweats and everything... 

i've been deployed to the middle east 3 times away from my wife... i never felt what i am feeling now, when i was away from her all that time... and she lives only 40 min away from me now...instead of a half a world away... she seems farther away now...

10 years together, she left me, i wasn't a perfect husband, i didn't do the things i should have, didn't pay attention at the right times, i've called crisis line, i take medication

i feel we are one in the same in how we are feeling

we can get through this man... i know we can, it feels so dark and cold, i understand... we WILL get through this

you are not alone, when im feeling horrible and lost and desperate, and panic'ed i load these forums up, hold on, we will get through this, there has to be better days ahead

today i talked to my wife for the first time in 3 days, we've been seperated for almost 2 weeks, it brought the pain back, a couple days ago i felt fine, almost better, and then today just now, i started feeling bad again, we will get through this... we must press on, you are strong, you came here, lets help eachother brother, keep holding on


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## SCsweety81 (Sep 27, 2012)

Bcc, can you call your children and talk with them? See how their day went? What they did in school?


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Do not end your life.

This despair won't last forever.

Your kids need a better example of morality than your cheating wife, so you've gotta stick around to show them what it looks like.


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

Taking your life is a PERMANENT… solution to a TEMPORARY.. Problem. I considered that a few months ago. Depression and problems like yours can cause you to feel that way. You are not alone; many others have had similar heart aches. It DOES get better.


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## how was your day? (Oct 10, 2012)

not only have many others had similar heart aches, but there are MANY people feeling exactly how you are feeling right now this second

the people that 'had' similar heartaches and have moved on to something BETTER, are the inspiration for all of us


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

bcc, You need to pull yourself together for the sake of your children. They need their father. I know it is hard to comprehend this but THIS WILL PASS. It is very unfair to be sure. Life can be this way. But trust me when I tell you, you can do this. 

It is one day at a time. It is worth the effort. You want to see your chidren grow and they need you to be a strong father for them. DO NOT ABANDON THEM. 
They love you. 

Is there someone you can turn to for support who you could talk to in person? If not do call the help line. Keep posting here. You are not alone.

Life takes some very unfortunate turns. It is amazing though how sometimes bad things turn out to be fortunate if we let them. There are too many things left for you to do and to see and to experience. Do not throw that away. Be there for your children. See the next light of day. It is worth seeing.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Bcc, 

I am not going to pretend to know how you feel, not going to patronize your hurt. But man, your kids will feel much worse for much longer please, please man... Brother please!!!!!!!!


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

I can't shake you from my mind, BCC....and obviously, your posts have made so many other concerned too.

Please, give us something here to let us know you are okay.


Everything in this life is temporary...everything. Except for our deaths. 

This is a storm...an awful, horrible storm. You need help to weather it. Call the hotline. They will be able to tell you some steps you can take here.

Just give this a little time. Just try a little. ....you have nothing to lose by trying. Please postpone this permanent decision. ...just for a little while.


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

I've been down that road...

*DO NOT GO DOWN IT.*

NOBODY is worth your life. NOBODY.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Sacrificing the love you have for your children because of 1 person isn't worth it.

Get yourself help.


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## how was your day? (Oct 10, 2012)

bcc you there man?


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I see you added a pic of your kids -- they're adorable!


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Bcc,

your kids are beautiful... you did good. You need to be there for them. You told me what they like to do, just think how much joy you will get when you have the opportunity to be there for them when they need dad. You are still daddy to them, no matter what you think.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

You have so many more good times to share with them. Don't give up that chance.


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## ImperfectMomma (May 2, 2012)

I understand that the pain is incredible but it will get better. Just as your body can heal from a terri le would with time and care, so can your emotions. You can't take this back. Stay here and get help. If you can't do it for yourself, force yourself to do it for your kids and then one day you'll realize you're doing it because it really is getting slowly better. Please feel the love and prayers being sent to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

bcc: Those girls of yours are absolutely adorable. No matter how bad it hurts, please seek help because those girls will always need you as their father, in one way or another.

Many years ago, I felt the same way when my two sons were "taken" from me; but sometime later, they chose to join me! And I couldn't be happier.

I don't exactly know what kind of relationship that they'll have with their mother over the course of time, but if it is of the adverse variety, you'll need to be there to offer them the protection that they'll need.

Those girls need you and always will~ please don't let them down, brother!

I will continue to remain in prayer for all of you!


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

Thanks for such support, my avatar is a photo of those little souls who I suffer so much, you know I bust out crying when i see the pictures I cant even look at them without the pain. what happened in my life, its like God pointed to me and said today is your day to start suffering, two weeks ago I was home , now sleeping in my buisness


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

bcc said:


> Thanks for such support, my avatar is a photo of those little souls who I suffer so much, you know I bust out crying when i see the pictures I cant even look at them without the pain. what happened in my life, its like God pointed to me and said today is your day to start suffering, two weeks ago I was home , now sleeping in my buisness


It's Ok to have an ache for them... but you need to be there so they don't suffer pain as well. You don't want to hurt them do you? Please, don't hurt them. Look at the photo and cry for them, but talk to them (the photo) and tell them daddy will not hurt you.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

You hurt for them because you love them. That shows what a caring father you are. They need you. They need a loving, caring daddy to teach them things, take them places and do things with them. To give them hugs and kisses and have tickle fights. 

You can get through this, bcc. Reach out to someone nearby. I don't know where you are, but if you're in the States, most town and cities have services available if you call 211. Or try your doctor or hospital. You don't have to go through this alone. There are so many people here today and tonight who have showed you that. You are not alone.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

You know what, screw you. You have a million reasons to live and you chose not to and for what? I am a cancer survivor and the only reason I am still alive is because of surgery and lasers. Scars that you cannot believe. I take medication every day just to get out of bed and my youngest comes home from school at 3:30 pm and asks "Mom, is today a good day or a bad day?". You have every reason to live and all you want to do is kill yourself because some pile of crap hurt you. Take a look around. Get a broader picture and understand what is going on. People like me who this Halloween might be her last, this Holiday season, this New Years, etc. Want to trade places?
Chin up, chest out and soldier on. You have EVERYTHING to live for and if you don't think you do, well then PM me and I will be glad to tell you what trying to save a life feels like. I can help you. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

I know, you guys have been so kind. Thank you the nights are so hard for me and I wish in could speed time up but its The Hours the hours of torture my thoughts put me through who's my wife with, is he/she a threat to my kids, how could she give up on us that quick, Im very successful handsome guy but have lost my dream 12 years under the bridge.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

TRBE, I don't think comparing pain with bcc is going to help him with this current and recent crisis he is going through. As someone that has gone through that emotional pain I understand there is a time for tough love and a 2x4's to knock us out of a rut, but right now I think it is just going to fuel his self-pity, his mind has enough to process over this betrayal and he will heal at his own pace. Yes I agree that checking out of life is not a optimal solution to any of his problems, it is simply a potential means of escape for him. Another great means of escape I found to help me through my crisis was this place and reading about how others felt so similarly, even seriously considered the implications of suicide like I have.

bcc, yes there are a million reasons to live, but I know just how hard is is to feel like I'm allowed to experience them. You will be fine - seriously though, it is so apparent how much you love your daughters, and once your mind processes everything you will see that they have not abandoned you, they love you just as much as you love them (even if they haven't been conditioned to showing it) - you are the world to them, literally. You do not lose your children at all, atleast not if you fight for them, I know you want to end the pain but one thing useful about pain once you overcome the self-pity is the clarity that you can experience in this.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

You didn't lose your dream. You dreamed of being a father and you still are! You still have a family. No, it's not the one you wanted, and those of us here who've been through similar aren't trying to convince you that it's easy. But you said yourself - you have a business, you are successful, and worth more than any of that -- you are a daddy to three little ones. You have so much to offer. Yes what their mother did is really painful to you, but you will be able to heal from it. 

Please look at what you still have instead of what you lost. Materials things you still have, and they can be replaced anyway. You have your children and you have your life. Even if your wife is really gone, you still have so much. Life does really suck sometimes, but other times it's glorious. Know that you can get through this, if you want to. I don't think you really want to leave your kids behind, not knowing what will happen to them. You love them. Fight for them. Fight back against these black thoughts. You can.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

bcc said:


> I know, you guys have been so kind. Thank you the nights are so hard for me and I wish in could speed time up but its The Hours the hours of torture my thoughts put me through who's my wife with, is he/she a threat to my kids, how could she give up on us that quick, Im very successful handsome guy but have lost my dream 12 years under the bridge.


So can you tell me what you are going to do right now... are you going to at least give it a chance and call someone to be with you are maybe go to the hospital? 

I am glad you are thinking about protecting your kids, but you can't protect them if you are not there. So tell me what are you going to do?


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## SkyHigh (Jun 17, 2012)

You have two beautiful children.

They need their father.

The choice should be clear to you what course to take. 

Take the right one.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Lon said:


> TRBE, I don't think comparing pain with bcc is going to help him with this current and recent crisis he is going through. As someone that has gone through that emotional pain I understand there is a time for tough love and a 2x4's to knock us out of a rut, but right now I think it is just going to fuel his self-pity, his mind has enough to process over this betrayal and he will heal at his own pace. Yes I agree that checking out of life is not a optimal solution to any of his problems, it is simply a potential means of escape for him. Another great means of escape I found to help me through my crisis was this place and reading about how others felt so similarly, even seriously considered the implications of suicide like I have.
> 
> bcc, yes there are a million reasons to live, but I know just how hard is is to feel like I'm allowed to experience them. You will be fine - seriously though, it is so apparent how much you love your daughters, and once your mind processes everything you will see that they have not abandoned you, they love you just as much as you love them (even if they haven't been conditioned to showing it) - you are the world to them, literally. You do not lose your children at all, atleast not if you fight for them, I know you want to end the pain but one thing useful about pain once you overcome the self-pity is the clarity that you can experience in this.


Wrong. People who hear about others who are struggling to live often realize how precious life is. When they hear about other children suffering from trauma of dying parents, they often realize how selfish they are for taking their own healthy life.

BCC, It is called tough love and I say this with love. You have no right to end your life. You have every reason to live and have children who count on you and want to see you in your golden years. You have no excuse. Ending you life is the most selfish thing you could ever do. THE MOST selfish thing you could ever do. Your children deserve to have a Dad who is there for them, someone who they can count on , someone who they know will teach them life lessons and give them words of wisdom. You can't do that if you are dead. Don't they deserve you?!?! I can answer that, yes they do. You have precious children to live for and leaving them would be the worst thing you could ever do. They NEED you and will well in to adulthood. Heck, my husband is 41 and calls his Dad often just for advice. You can't rob them of that. 
You have a lifetime to live for and nobody is killing themself on my watch. As I said, PM me and I will respond. I care about you and know that this will pass. Boy do I know about thoughts of dying. The fact remains though that you have so much to live for so you fight. You rise up and you fight. Even when you don't feel like it, you fight. You are worth every second of every day and your children as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Someday they are going to brag about you "my daddy does this or that, my daddy can beat up your daddy" It can only if you are around. Bcc you still listening?


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

angel and drerio, thank you so much for being such friends thanks all believe it or not I had the noose ready but I put it aside as my emotions have calmed right now. I hope tomorrow is better, my battle is not over.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

bcc said:


> angel and drerio, thank you so much for being such friends thanks all believe it or not I had the noose ready but I put it aside as my emotions have calmed right now. I hope tomorrow is better, my battle is not over.


You have my phone number. Call me if you need to.


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

This is real for BCC. ...the heart ache...it is serious, and not something that you can *think* your way out of. 

BCC...please. seek help. ...give yourself some time. Give your beautiful children a little more time. I am happy to hear you talk of tomorrow...but, please get some help from a professional. Just call the number and talk to someone. There are so many caring people out there who care about you and value you and WANT to help you through this. Please let them do their job.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Bcc -- I know you won't regret putting it aside. It is the right decision. Please listen to jpr -- call someone at the hotline or at your local hospital. Let them help you. Keep reaching out.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

angelpixie said:


> Bcc -- I know you won't regret putting it aside. It is the right decision. Please listen to jpr -- call someone at the hotline or at your local hospital. Let them help you. Keep reaching out.


Very much agree...


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## how was your day? (Oct 10, 2012)

glad to see you here bcc! hope to interact with you more in the future, take care brother, you're not alone


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

jpr said:


> This is real for BCC. ...the heart ache...it is serious, and not something that you can *think* your way out of.
> 
> BCC...please. seek help. ...give yourself some time. Give your beautiful children a little more time. I am happy to hear you talk of tomorrow...but, please get some help from a professional. Just call the number and talk to someone. There are so many caring people out there who care about you and value you and WANT to help you through this. Please let them do their job.


I don't think anybody is suggesting "think" your way out of it. What I am saying is think about what you have to live for. Killing yourself and leaving your kids with a hole in their heart is not the answer. It is a pain they will NEVER recover from. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Badams (Aug 8, 2012)

A man falls down a hole and sees his preacher walk by.
He says "Hey -- can you help me?"
The preacher writes a prayer and drops it in the hole.
His doctor walks by and he says "Hey -- can you help me?"
The doctor writes a prescription and drops it in the hole.
He sees a friend walk by and says "Hey -- can you help me?"
The friend jumps in with him.
He says "Hey -- now we're both in here."
The friend says "Yeah, but I've been here before and I know the way out."

Listen to what these guys say -- we've been here before and we know the way out.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Badams said:


> A man falls down a hole and sees his preacher walk by.
> He says "Hey -- can you help me?"
> The preacher writes a prayer and drops it in the hole.
> His doctor walks by and he says "Hey -- can you help me?"
> ...


Freaking word. I too have thought about suicide years ago. I will jump in that hole with you and pull you out. Grab my hand.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I'll bet most of us, especially here on this forum, have been there at one time or another. Some of us may have even attempted it and survived. We aren't offering little platitudes -- we know it's tough now and we know it will get better because we have been in that hole.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

I had a scare in April, made the call and saw someone within a few hours.

Absolutely no shame in it.


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## SCsweety81 (Sep 27, 2012)

Sleep well, bcc. Talk to us, tomorrow.


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## 36Separated (Aug 5, 2012)

bcc said:


> please read my previous posts, my wife has left into the arms of another man or woman, cant bear do see my house i built, my 2,5 and 7 years olds being raised by someone else, the love i devoted to them, my wife who doesn't care, has completely abandoned me to live like a teenager she 39 turning 40 , going into mediation for divorce, cant do it think it might be time to depart from this life, too much pain to handle.


You sound in exactly same situ as me m8 - if you need to talk. Im not looking to end my life. BUT, my wife has gone into another man, she 34 but acting like she 18, we have 3 kids 3,5,10. and we have to go to mediation to sort - shel get the house and everything n hel be raising my kids.

Im spending as much time as i can with my kids to get through - this hurts coz it makes her life easy and she can see her new man more, but its the only thing that helps me at the min


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

bcc -- hey, hon, please pop in and give us an update, OK?


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

hey im here but its bad, had a dream my wife was with some guy and they were happy doing stuff with my kids. Im back on the edge now dont feel good at all angelpixie


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Hey bcc

I'm going for my am run I will be back, but remember you told me how much you love your three beautiful children. Please man focus on them


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

You will see them again... Remember all the things I said you will get to do with them


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Can you call someone today?


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

This other guy you dreamed about can never replace daddy. You are their daddy. Don't give that position up, it is an honorable position and YOU deserve it.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

What are you going to do today bcc? Can you tell me?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

bcc: Hang in there buddy! What you're going through right now is what you call "mind movies." Most of the time, they are fantasy rather than reality and should be treated as such.

Right now you need to stick to the 180 Plan, and when you get your bearings straight, you need to make an appointment with a lawyer to discuss your options. I really feel that you need to ultimately file for custody of those daughters of yours. Your WW appears to be the prevaricator here and that will not make her look good in a court room situation.

I know that I'm pretty much considered to be one of those "old farts" but please listen to the voice of experience here along with all of the other sound advice being given you here at TAM.

Keep your chin up, Sir! Although it may not seem like it, God will put no more on your shoulders than you can possibly bear! That's a promise! You will get through this and be a far better man for it!


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

i have appointment just need to get get through the time until i go.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Get to a mental health hospital and have yourself admitted for a few days. No, *you're not crazy *but you are in a bad place and you need help. 

Don't let this go on man. Get somewhere where you have counselors and doctors who can help you. Fvck what other people think. This is your life.


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

she just wants to split custody, let the house go, doesnt want anything just some help with kids, she wants to get apartment some help with money thats all she wants


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

bcc said:


> she just wants to split custody, let the house go, doesnt want anything just some help with kids, she wants to get apartment some help with money thats all she wants


Ask your lawyer to file a moral clause with the D paperwork that will not allow her to expose the children to th OM until *after *the D is finalyzed.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

If you go to church, talk to your pastor immediately. If not, choose one and try to talk to them or at least schedule an appointment with a family counselor immediately. At least do that for the girls and for yourself. That visit will give you much more introspective and will make you have much more self-respect.

Then go see that lawyer and get your legal options down pat. Nowadays, cheating mothers do not have near the clout in the court room that they used to.

BTW, what state are you residing in?


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

im in massachusetts


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

bcc -- thank you so much for staying with us. You've gotten some very good advice here. I'm so glad you have an appointment to see someone. You've made it this far -- you can make it til then.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Like drerio said, NOBODY will ever replace you as Daddy. You can get through this and it will be so much brighter on the other side. You need help now, and you will be getting it. As Arb said, the 'mind movies' are terrible, but they are a normal part of the process and they will fade. 

I wish I could give you a big hug - know that there are many people sending a lot of care your way. You can do this. 

Keep us posted. We're here for you.


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

You will be ok. Its natural when going through this kind of pain to have thoughts like that. I know a few times I've thought of just driving into a tree or downing a bunch of pills. But if you think about your children you will see how selfish a decision like that is. Think of all the people who do still love you and what something like that would do to them. 

You will survive. Things won't always be as grim as they are now.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

bcc said:


> i have appointment just need to get get through the time until i go.


You have an appointment with who? Remember you kids... Call out their name, they need you and no replacement will do.


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

massachusettes


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

bcc: Your TAM friends will be here 24/7. While some of us may have to vacate the PC occasionally for obvious reasons, others will be here to help pick up the load. Trust me: you will not be abandoned... at least not by us!


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

bcc said:


> massachusettes


Are seeing your doctor there today?


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Hey bcc

Are you still there? If you have to get ready for your appointment just let us know, we understand.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Do you have a picture that you can post of daddy (you) and your beautiful children together?


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

BCC - I am a New Englander too - and we are a tough bunch  Right now, you are the only constant in your childrens' lives. You are their protector. You need to be there for them to help get them through this chaos, and they in turn will help you. Their love for you is unconditional. In spite of everything going on - you are the one thing they know they can depend on. They did not ask for this any more than you did, and you are the only thing that they need right now and they will need you for the rest of their lives. Every child deserves to have their Daddy love, protect and guide them through their lives. You are their Daddy.....no one else. Don't step aside - don't hand that over to anyone. You have been given a gift with your beautiful children. Open your eyes and see what is worth living for. See the sports games, the proms, the visits to Chuck E Cheese, the trips to the beach, the graduations, the driving lessons, the weddings, the births of your grandchildren - bad things happen every day, but time can lesson the pain and new doors WILL open. You just can't see that yet becuase you are in the middle of the storm. That just means that you have already made it past the beginning and soon you will ride it out until the clouds pass and the sun starts shining again - and it will shine with your children. You are their everything. Don't underestimate yourself or your importance to them or the rest of your family (parents, siblings, friends). You are stronger than you think, and you love them more than you know. That is why it hurts so much - if you didn't love, it wouldn't hurt. Reach deep and turn your hurt and despair into a mission to fight for your children. To fight for you. Don't hand over your life because someone else is clearly disturbed. You can't help your wife right now. And if she is to one day smarten up and you decide you still want her, you need to be around to do that. You need to take it one day at a time, but you also need to dig deep and find strength and look at all that your children still have to experience - with their father. There will NEVER be a substitute. You are it!


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Hang in there bcc!


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

I think im worse today wife just called for me to pick up kids tonight she seems so indifferent, like nothing is wrong. I reallly cant hang on here now I know I cant make it. I take kids so she can go have fun at the expense of my torment.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

bcc said:


> I think im worse today wife just called for me to pick up kids tonight she seems so indifferent, like nothing is wrong. I reallly cant hang on here now I know I cant make it. I take kids so she can go have fun at the expense of my torment.


No way I can imagine your pain... none of us can, but you will be with your kids. I want you to focus your attention on them. They need you tonight, and tomorrow and the next day. They will need you when they are 30... you are "daddy". Please just refocus on them right now. Take a picture of you them together with you if you can having fun and put it where you can see it often.


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

here I am with my little man on my avatar


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Or....you take kids and do something fun with them like Chuck E Cheese or a play area with the inflatable bouncy stuff. And you get to bond with them.

Who cares if she us getting her sleaze on? You'll be having fun, too! 

Do you have sisters or brothers or a good friend who can come over? 

Are you on any meds yet? If this feeling doesn't go away, get to a hospital ASAP.

Can I tell you what worked for me when I felt the unbearable crushing weight of betrayal and rejection after DDay? Running. Not jogging. Just for like 30 seconds. It helps you feel that sense of escape you're longing for, physically. Just go to a park and run as fast as you possibly can for just one big burst. Like a race. Like your life depends on it. It's so freeing just for a moment, like flying over the surface of the grass. Reminds you how good it is to be alive.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

bcc said:


> here I am with my little man on my avatar


You guys look soooo great together, you can't disappoint that little guy. Remember only dad will really be able to show him how to throw and catch a football. You did good, and I want you to think about that.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Please stay with us, bcc. What time is your appointment, and who are you seeing? 

If you are feeling super bad, please go to the emergency room. Nobody will do anything but try to help you.

But please stay here for your little ones. If their mother is that indifferent to you, who's to say she'll be any better towards them? She's not, if she's breaking up their family. That's why they need YOU, bcc. You are their Daddy and their only good, caring parent. Everyone is right -- it hurts so much because you are a loving man. But that also means you will be able to feel joy. Stay here with your kids so that you can experience it with them.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I love the pic of you and your little boy. Drerio is right -- you have so many wonderful years ahead of you: snuggling with him and your girls while you read stories at night, taking them to the park. So many, many things they will miss out on if you're not here. Nobody can do those things like their Daddy can.


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

I cant bear to see my family move on without me, even if i just get to see my kids on weekends or whatever, its the whole package that I will miss cant do it I think today my final day here on earth. Everyone saying its gets better but its only getting worse


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

bcc said:


> I cant bear to see my family move on without me, even if i just get to see my kids on weekends or whatever, its the whole package that I will miss cant do it I think today my final day here on earth. Everyone saying its gets better but its only getting worse


Bcc,

Can you tell us what your plans are tonight? What are you going to do with your children? I will admit, I am a bit concerned. I need to know what your plans are?

I know you miss the whole package, but let's just refocus on that which is possible. 

Can you call someone right now? Please, I told you your kids will need you far beyond today.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Don't do it, bcc. Please go to the hospital and let them help you. You just need some help and care to get over this tough spot. 

You'll see -- even though it's not the same as what you wanted, you will be so happy you didn't give up. 

Please, bcc, don't break their hearts. You can get through this, but they're only children. They love and need you. There are people who want to help you. Please let them.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

bcc -- you haven't told us what appointment you have today and what time it is. Would you please tell us who you're seeing today?


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

I was going to pick kids up but I have no where to go because im staying at my shop. I would have to take them out, I dont have the energy anymore though, I am talking with my mom and sister, i dont want to go back to my house, I want to hang. I want to die


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Bcc, just get through today. Worry about tomorrow later.

What are your plans tonight? 

Do something special with your kids.


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

I dont want to get locked up in hospital, only will make me feel trapped and worse, cant go that route


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

bcc said:


> I think im worse today wife just called for me to pick up kids tonight she seems so indifferent, like nothing is wrong. I reallly cant hang on here now I know I cant make it. I take kids so she can go have fun at the expense of my torment.


She may seem indifferent, if she truly is then she is a psychopath for not being able to experience the tiniest shred of remorse or true compassion for what she has done to you and your family, or more likely she is under a lot of stress and putting up a really convincing front for you.

You will have to start detaching your emotions from her choices because she is not making good ones, and it is painfully obvious to you and all of us that have been where you are. And now you have the opportunity to spend quality time with your daughters, so make the most of it, instead of being bitter about the reason you are with your children, embrace the time you actually have with them. your W is the one that is going to lose out the most, and she may, someday years down the road, realize it, or not some are just so stubborn they will never let their minds see the truth.

I too hated that I felt like a babysitter to my own child while my own W was out partying and dating... at first in our separation I told her that she could not just dump him on me anytime she wanted, that I had a life and need some time for myself too - I was partly trying to punish her and make her aware of the hardship she was making for herself, but also trying to learn how to establish boundaries... in time I came to the resolution that I will always make time for my son, I still have my own life to lead so if I have plans I will not cave into her whims, though I am willing to negotiate arrangements if they are in the best interest of my and my son.

Last night I ended up going for a really brisk one hour walk, my mind was racing the whole time - to me this is a very therapeutic activity, I would suggest it to you if you find yourself alone and stressed today - instead of pacing back and forth go out in the fresh air go forth only.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Then make definite plan about what you will do with your kids today. 

And...can your mom or sis come over? It would be good for you and them.


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

Moxy, tomorrow will be as bad as today only getting worse, the only thing im waiting on is divine intervention but its not coming.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

bcc: Plan on taking the kids to do something with your Mom/Sister this evening. There is definitely cohesiveness in your own family and that is something that will be good for all of you. There is no better way to foster love than just simply being with those who love you the most.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Ask someone to come over. Maybe Divine Intervention will happen then?

You don't want to be locked in a hospital. Good. You don't want to be locked up in a box either. What you want is an escape from this feeling. That means you need to try something new. Get through 15 minutes at a time.

Take a shower. Order a pizza. Get a movie online. Eat popcorn on your pizza while watching it. Go run. Pick up your kids. Play a game with them. See, there is a plan. Modify it to do what you need.

By the way, the hospital will more likely just give you better medicine and your feelings will be manageable..


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

thanks Lon I see what u are saying


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

I have a question, why is ending it all such a bad thing, why cant it be the only answer, seems like a simple easy solution to everyones pain


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

bcc: At least try talking to a family counselor, even if by telephone. Try to do it early this afternoon, if at all possible! It will do you so much good. I can richly attest that it worked for me and I know it that it will work for you also!


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

The time you spend with your kids and your mom and sister (if you can be with them) is the most important right now. 

And if you won't go to a hospital, please call your doctor. There is every chance that he or she can prescribe something better than what you're taking now. Once you are thinking more clearly, you will be able to see light at the end of this tunnel.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

bcc said:


> I have a question, why is ending it all such a bad thing, why cant it be the only answer, seems like a simple easy solution to everyones pain


Because we are all connected. When one person ends it, the rest of us are in pain. We are here to help each other, support each other to survive the TEMPORARY pain.

Take the advice here. Do something physical; see your family. You will get through this. Please give yourself a fighting chance.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

bcc said:


> I have a question, why is ending it all such a bad thing, why cant it be the only answer, seems like a simple easy solution to everyones pain


Because you really love your children, and you don't want to hurt them. This will hurt them beyond what you can realize right now. It's a very permanent solution to _your_ pain -- and your pain IS NOT PERMANENT -- it will decrease. It would be a cause of pain to everyone else, and I don't think you want that. Your mom and sister love you, and your children love you. 

You can only receive an answer to your prayers if you're here when it comes.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I have to leave to go to a meeting, but I want to know that you will be here when I get back. I am counting on you, bcc. Stay with us.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

bcc said:


> I have a question, why is ending it all such a bad thing, why cant it be the only answer, seems like a simple easy solution to everyones pain


Primarily because it's just a cheap way out for you, and then the heartache starts and never really stops for your children and for all of your loved ones, probably for as long as they might live!

We need to place the welfare of our kids well before our own feelings and priorities. They love you immeasurably, bcc, and they want you there for the many years to come for those very special moments; to teach and mentor them, to see them graduate from high school and college, grow into adulthood, marry, and when they reach out to you placing your infant grandkids in your loving arms as they are born. That feeling has got to be totally indescribable, as I'm still looking forward to it!

You greatly deserve that, bcc! But, in retrospect, they deserve it so much more!


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## how was your day? (Oct 10, 2012)

bcc mornings are the worst for me too


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

BCC, can you tell me a few things about your kids? 

What are their favorite foods.
What do they do for fun?
What did you buy them for their last birthdays?
What do you do with them that is fun?


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

they like pizza and Sydney loves crafts, Bailey loves her Barbie dolls


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

bcc said:


> I have a question, why is ending it all such a bad thing, why cant it be the only answer, seems like a simple easy solution to everyones pain


I will give you three reasons S_, B_ and C_. I don't want you to be locked up. You won't be. I can't promise you how you feel tomorrow, but you have to give yourself hope. You have to give your kids hope.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

bcc said:


> they like pizza and Sydney loves crafts, Bailey loves her Barbie dolls


Remember Bailey will want play house with daddy not someone else. Give her that chance.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

bcc: Your kids greatly remind me so much of my two boys when they were smaller. Now they both are off in college.

What I wouldn't give to go back to those days!


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

bcc said:


> I have a question, why is ending it all such a bad thing, why cant it be the only answer, seems like a simple easy solution to everyones pain


It is a simple, permanent solution to your pain, but not anyone else's pain, and also it terminates any possibilities to experience joy.

You yourself said just a few weeks ago everything was right in this world, when things were good in your marriage did you want to end your life? It is never easy, but sometimes it is worth the hard work.

Life is precious, and I feel so frustrated how easy it is to go through so sad and lonely, cause once you are gone your gone, so even though I hate living many days, I go on because of curiosity if nothing else, I don't think I want to go out not knowing if there is something I have a real chance to experience. That's why I suggested earlier, if you have truly decided you want to end it atleast check everything off your bucket list first...go for broke... or if you want divine intervention atleast wait it out, how are you going to experience a miracle if you are not here to?


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

BCC, I have been in the hospital. In 1994, I spent 12 days on inpatient. Then 11 weeks of outpatient (4 days a week). After that, about 3 months of private. 

The time I spent in the hospital was actually great. I met a lot of other people who had it worse than I did. It sort of put things in perspective. 

Don't think of that option as a bad thing. You get to learn a lot of great stuff you can carry with you for the rest of your natural life. 

I find, since then, I have been able to help people at work, when their stress levels gets too much for them. Sure, I still get down from time to time, but at least I know how to deal.

The reason I went in when I did is because, if I didn't, I wouldn't be here right now. I went in on August 24, 1994. I will always remember that date.

In fact, that is the day I started my beard and I haven't shaved it entirely off since. It is both a symbol and reminder to me of the worst day in my life.

One thing about the worst day of your life, It can only get better...


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

It would only end your current/temporary pain. It will ripple pain for the rest of your children's lives if you do anything besides stay and love them like a REAL father and daddy is supposed to do. Your wife is in her own little world right now. It is not the real world and it certainly is not a world in which your children - YOUR CHILDREN, are important. No parent in their right mind would do that to their kids - you have an obligation to them and yourself to live a long and happy life as a parent. Everyone reaching out to you cares, and we have all been in similar situations. We would not be here posting if we weren't. 

Would you really inflict that kind of pain on your children? Maybe you have not experienced it yet (I can't imagine you haven't), but a daughter's love for her father - nothing in the world compares. I almost get jealous sometimes, and my hubby is the one who cheated on me and told me he wanted a divorce right after I got done burying my brother who took his last breath right in front of me. Let me tell you, that HURT like nothing else. My 2 daughters became my number one priority and only focus. I would not fail them even if their father had chosen to. I did not let them know how their father was ready to throw them away for some sick fantasy - and that is all it was. I was consumed - I cried every second. I could not focus. It does get better - once you realize that your spouse is not right in the head, you man-up and realize that your pain is secondary to the well-being of your children. Once you get to a point of where you can start thinking clearly, then you deal with your pain. You are not thinking clearly. It does not happen over night. You do what you have to for your children and it will slowly start to fall in place. Trust us. We have been there. We have all been hurt. We are healing. Our lives are getting better, and we laugh and love and hug our children. Life is a gift. Don't throw it away for your wife's mistakes, and certainly don't abandon those 3 beautiful children. Give them one unselfish parent. Give them you.


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

i dont have that time left


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

BCC, how do they like their pizza?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

bcc said:


> i dont have that time left


What do you mean? Who is this comment in reply to?


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

You have all of the time in the world. Your children are not going anywhere. Don't make them go down a road that their little hearts and minds can't begin to understand or handle. Go outside and run until you can't run any more. Take a breath, then keep running. Your children are expecting you tonight. You NEED them tonight. “To the world you may be just one person, but to one person (3 little people), you may be the world.”


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

bcc said:


> i dont have that time left


Sure you do, bcc! All the time in the world for the love of your kids is the greatest gift that God can bestow. Time to love, learn, teach, play and share, as He so greatly intended for us to do.

Pain is only temporary and fleeting but love lasts forever. That is so evident when you look in your childrens eyes, and in turn, see God himself staring back at you!

They love you, bcc! And we here at TAM love you just as much!


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

bcc -- talk to us. You have all the time you need. Please look into your children's faces and see the love looking back at you. You don't want to lose that. We understand. You don't have to . If you fight for them, you won't be disappointed. Your fighting for them will mean the world to them.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Someday your little boy will want to play catch with you -- that is something you will cherish forever!! I can picture it in my mind, can you? That will be worth all of this that you are feeling now.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

*


arbitrator said:



Sure you do, bcc! All the time in the world for the love of your kids is the greatest gift that God can bestow. Time to love, learn, teach, play and share, as He so greatly intended for us to do.

Pain is only temporary and fleeting but love lasts forever. That is so evident when you look in your childrens eyes, and in turn, see God himself staring back at you!

They love you, bcc! And we here at TAM love you just as much!

Click to expand...

*I agree! And I also whole heartedly believe that we are given OUR children for a reason. Your children were hand picked by God for you - they are a part of you and you are a part of them. When they were born - didn't you feel like you had just been given the world? There is no better feeling than being a successful parent. A successful parent is one who loves their child unconditionally, who teaches right from wrong, who kisses boo boos and is there to comfort them when they get scared. A successful parent can see themselves in their child and build on the best inherited traits. Do they look like you? Do they talk like you? Do they laugh like you? Do they have your sense of humor? I can only speak from a daughter's point of view, but my father taught me how to throw and catch a baseball, better than most boys my age could. He took me to work with him and stood up for me when I thought my mom was being mean. My 2 daughters love their father unconditionally - and they have seen a lot the last 9 months. He is the one they want to play dolls with because he makes the best voices. They would rather hear a bedtime story from him because - well, I'm not sure on that one, but I guess it is just a Daddy thing. Point is, you have so much right there but your tears are clouding your vision. Wipe the tears and open wide - tell yourself - "I have 3 WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL children with so many happy memories, and so many more happy memories to make with them. I don't have to have the exact same life to have the exact same children. That will never change. I love my children, and I will find happiness again. If I so choose, one day I will find another person to share my life with, who is deserving of me, but for now, my children ARE ENOUGH. MY CHILDREN MAKE EVERYTHING WORTH IT."


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## SCsweety81 (Sep 27, 2012)

bcc - 

What's little man's name? 

He is gorgeous! He looks like a porcelain doll!


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

That is so true! I was much closer with my dad than I was with my mom when I was growing up. He taught me how to drive, helped me with me math homework, he has a wonderful crazy sense of humor, and he was the 'cool dad' who gave us all rides to dances and let us listen to our music in the car -- because he liked it, too! 

I still call him now because he knows so many things, and I'm definitely not a kid anymore! My brother feels the same way. There are just some things only a dad can help with.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

SCsweety81 said:


> bcc -
> 
> What's little man's name?
> 
> *He is gorgeous! He looks like a porcelain doll!*




He does! Very cute  How could you just not want to hug that little man to pieces?


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

His name is Cole and I miss him and my family together I CANT GO ON I just cant


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

*There are just some things only a dad can help with.[/QUOTE]*

Amen! Truer words were never spoken.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

SO, I'm confused! You say you love your kids. You say they are your world. But you say you are will to tear their worlds apart because your feelings are hurt. You either love them or not. If you end it, then apparently, you don't love them....


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Your children are your family. Each one by themselves is your family.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

If you do this, you will be missing him forever. If you stay here, you will have him in your life. It's that simple.

You and your children are a family. You love them. That is so obvious. It is so important that you look to what you do have -- you have three beautiful children who love you. Love makes all things possible, bcc. Your love for them can help you get through this awful time. It won't always be this bad. Please call the hotline number or your doctor and ask for help. It all looks very dark right now, but it is not always going to be like this. 

Change can be scary and hard, but that doesn't mean it's always bad. There are so many people here on TAM who can tell you that from personal experience. Who have been right where you are this minute --who have felt as bad as you do now. Take our word for it. We wouldn't ask you to stay with us just to have you suffer.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

So you would rather bow out and leave them to pick up the pieces for the rest of their lives wondering why they weren't enough? That is the message you will be leaving them. They are your flesh and blood. Your wife is not your flesh and blood. Your children have no voice but yours - so what are you saying for them.....when life gets tough, give up? What you should be saying is - when life gets tough, you get tougher. You don't back down and you take back what is yours. BCC - seriously, you have your family. Children tend to make the same mistakes as their parents if they are not given proper guidance -do you even want to consider that one of your children may choose the same path that you are even talking about now? It could happen - don't let it.


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## SCsweety81 (Sep 27, 2012)

Sydney, Bailey & Cole

What precious names! You are such a lucky Daddy. 

I think Cole looks like you. Have you already taught him to throw a ball? He may be your little NFL star in a few years.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

In a perfect world (which not many of us live in), what would make you happy right this second? What would you be doing and who would be there?


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

bcc -- I was where you are now years ago. I had some major problems and I actually tried to end it. I'm so glad it didn't work! I look back at that time and I know how dark I felt. I wasn't thinking things through. I thought my family would have been better off without me, but I was so wrong. And all of the things and people that have been in my life since then...My own little boy wouldn't be here now if I had ended it. And the world is so much of a better place because he's in it. 

It's the same with you. Your actions have consequences. There is a plan for you, and you have to be here for it to work. You already have seen part of that plan -- their names are Bailey, Cole and Sydney.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

It's been awhile since I lived in New England - but lived there until I was 23. Some of my favorite palces to go in that area - Canobie Lake Park, Hampton Beach, Boston Aquarium, Scenic Cog Railway, Mt. Washington, Santa's Village - have you taken your kids to any of those places? I have fond memories of each of those as a child.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

...and you need to tell yourself - "I am too important to be anywhere but right here. I am a good person and have so much to offer. I can make a difference - a great and lasting difference in the lives of my children. I will ensure that by being around to guide them the way they deserve by the person they deserve - me....because I matter."


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

LookingForTheSun said:


> It's been awhile since I lived in New England - but lived there until I was 23. Some of my favorite palces to go in that area - Canobie Lake Park, Hampton Beach, Boston Aquarium, Scenic Cog Railway, Mt. Washington, Santa's Village - have you taken your kids to any of those places? I have fond memories of each of those as a child.


Oh my goodness, I know! There are so many little family inside jokes and silly memories connected to trips and outings and holidays. It's what makes growing up wonderful. I remember my dad having tea parties with me when he would get home from work. He's 6' 3" and he'd squeeze himself into one of my little chairs, lol. And he'd play outside in the sandbox with my brother and his dump trucks. See how these things have stuck with me all these years later? They will for your children, too.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

bcc said:


> His name is Cole and I miss him and my family together I CANT GO ON I just cant


bcc: *You can go on and you must go on! *If you are not here as their mentor and protector, then who will be here for them?

*Please remember that God gave his Son for all of us, so that we might* *live in his righteousness!*

There are so many lifetimes to be considered here, but it is your life that really matters the most, greatly to the emotional security and safety of those three precious children.

Always consider their undaunting love for you~ which is far greater than you can ever comprehend. And at the very same time, consider the love that you have for them. *After all, a fathers love absolutely knows no bounds!*


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

> I CANT GO ON I just cant


well of course you "can" because you are doing it as you type, as you breathe. even just doing nothing is going on.

The hard part is taking control over "how" you want to go on. But don't worry about the how right now, just let yourself grieve.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Talk to us, bcc.


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## ImperfectMomma (May 2, 2012)

If you do this, your ex will have an entire lifetime to tell the kids whatever she wants about you and you won't be here to show them who you really are. Do you want that? Don't you want to show your kids what a good person you are?


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

BCC - please respond - do you love your children so much that you would do anything for them?


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

bcc -- I know it's mid-afternoon where you are. You mentioned an appointment earlier. Who is it with and what time is it?


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Can you tell us what you are doing right now?


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Fathers play a critical role in the development of their children; however, many fathers are uncertain about the responsibilities and privileges associated with this role. Children need fathers who love and care for them on a consistent basis. The latest research indicates that fathers who are actively involved in raising their children can make a positive and lasting difference in their lives. In contrast, this same research reveals a number of potentially negative outcomes for children whose fathers are not involved. Listed below are 20 reasons why your child needs you to be an active father. Being an active father:
1.Lets your child know that you love her. Love involves more than saying the words, "I love you." Fathers who love their children demonstrate their love by spending quality and quantity time together. Children who feel loved are more likely to develop a strong emotional bond with their father and a healthy self-esteem. 
2.Provides your child with greater financial resources. Research clearly indicates that families with an active father are "better off" financially. This means that children with active fathers will be more likely to have access to resources that facilitate healthy development (e.g., food, clothing, shelter, quality medical care). 
3.Provides your child with a positive male role model. Children, regardless of gender, need positive male and female role models. Children tend to model behavior (positive and negative) that they witness on a consistent basis. Active fathers can promote positive behaviors by setting a proper example for their children. 
4.Provides your child with emotional support. In addition to financial support, children also need emotional support from their parents. Active fathers listen and support their children when they experience joy, sadness, anger, fear, and frustration. Fathers who support their children emotionally tend to raise children who are more in-tune with the needs of others. 
5.Enhances your child's self-esteem. Self-esteem refers to how a person feels about himself. Children with high self-esteem tend to be happier and more confident than children with low self-esteem. Active fathers promote their children's self-esteem by being fully involved in their lives and letting them know that they are highly valued. 
6.Enhances your child's intellectual development. Children who are raised with actively involved fathers tend to score higher on measures of verbal and mathematical ability, and also demonstrate greater problem-solving and social skills. 
7.Provides your child with guidance and discipline. From infancy, children need proper guidance and discipline. Active fathers play an important role in teaching their children proper behavior by setting and enforcing healthy limits. 
8.Gives your child someone to play with. One of the primary ways that fathers bond with their children is through play. According to researchers, there are qualitative differences in the ways fathers and mothers play with their children. Fathers tend to use a more physical style of play (e.g., wrestling) that offers a number of benefits to children, including enhanced cognitive ability. 
9.Provides your child with someone to talk to when she has questions. Young children are full of questions. This natural curiosity helps them learn about their environment. Active fathers can be a valuable source of information for children who are seeking answers to life's important questions. 
10.Increases your child's chances for academic success. Children whose fathers are actively involved in their lives are more likely to achieve academic success than children whose fathers are not actively involved. These academic benefits appear to extend into adulthood. 
11.Provides your child with an alternative perspective on life. Research indicates that men and women often differ in their parenting styles; however, one style is not necessarily better than the other. Instead, it can be healthy for children to be exposed to different perspectives on life, such as a father's. 
12.Lowers your child's chances for early sexual activity. Children with actively involved fathers are less likely to engage in early sexual activity, thus reducing their chances for teen pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. 
13.Lowers your child's chances for school failure. Children with actively involved fathers are less likely to drop out of school than children with uninvolved fathers. 
14.Lowers your child's chances for youth suicide. Children with actively involved fathers are less likely to commit suicide than children with uninvolved fathers. 
15.Lowers your child's chances for juvenile delinquency. The benefits of having an active father throughout a child's early years extend into the teen years as well. Children with active fathers are less likely to commit juvenile crimes than children with inactive fathers. 
16.Lowers your child's chances for adult criminality. The chances that a child will commit crimes as an adult also diminish when he grows up with an actively involved father. 
17.Provides your child with a sense of physical and emotional security. One of the major benefits that fathers can provide to their children by being actively involved is a sense of security (physical and emotional). By being actively involved in a child's life, a father promotes a trusting relationship. The child does not have to worry about being abandoned. 
18.Facilitates your child's moral development. Children need a moral compass to guide them when they face difficult moral choices. Fathers, like mothers, help children to develop a sense of right and wrong that serves as a foundation for establishing moral character. 
19.Promotes a healthy gender identity in your child. Boys and girls benefit from having healthy role models from both sexes. Research points to the fact that mothers and fathers socialize their children in different ways. Fathers can help their children, especially boys, to develop a healthy sense of what it means to be a male. 
20.Helps your child learn important life skills. Most of the essential life skills that children need to survive are learned within the home. Fathers have a unique opportunity to teach their children valuable skills that will enable them to grow up to be healthy and productive adults. Fathers, your children need you! Make a commitment to be an active father. Your children will greatly benefit from your involvement in their lives.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

I'll be here waiting, bcc! And so will all of your TAM family!


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

Please...give your kids the gift of more time. Reach out to a professional. 

Please, please, please....just try this. Just TRY to get some help. 

Make a phone call. Make an appointment. 

As a "suicide survivor"....ie. Someone who has lost a loved one due to suicide....I have been to so many support groups. Man! The heart ache at these support groups is just incredible. It is overwhelming. The anguish that those loved who are left behind feel is so incredibly excruciating. ...and it NEVER goes away.

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. 

When you choose suicide, you choose to throw the pain your are currently feeling onto your loved ones.....and they will feel YOUR pain and YOUR heartache for the rest of their lives. 

It never goes away. Cole will feel your pain for all of his life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

Hi bcc

member of tam 

Let me respond from several angles 

Feel free to write me offlist-I have written things I can share with you that can help as well 

I can understand wanting to end it all-but that is not the answer. It feels that way but you need to realize it is just feelings and you can make it. Those of us who have wanted to end it all know that we have made it out. YOu need someone to talk to you while your in it and and on the way out of feeling that way. 

Your children will bounce back -the key is to show them that you can move on and work through this. you can work through this with her 

One thing you will need to do is cut off her ties to things-and give her an ultimate on separation or counseling at some point. THe key is for her to stop sex. She thinks this is good and she doesnt want to admit it is hurting her. She is in the honeymoon stage of being with this jerk and doesnt realize it is masking her issues she needs to work on and that will wear off quickly. 

The key is for you to become the leader and check with her periodically about what she is feeling etc. Women need nonsexual touch in marriage as well as conversation daily and even through text if need be. Ask her what she needs from you to help her overcome this. The touch you give her that she needs nonsexually as a wife will bring back the touch for sex in time. Women take a while to work through touch issues. IF you both have not done that and or stop -you need to get back to do it daily. The key is to draw her away from the jerk. Put boundaries in place for both of you so that she can see you care and want to make it work. The key is not to beg her etc. 

The key is to have date nite each week etc and talk daily as well as periodically about crucial things. 

once the children see that this is not going to work and it is not good for them to stay in a marriage like this. I know. I wish my parents would have separated and children adult children will tell you they want the tension/conflict of whatever it is to stop. if two cant live together they want their parents to separate. Your wife needs to be told that sex with you is what the children need. that is fact. 

I can explain that later. 

They wont understand as under 12 years old but they will at least see tha tyou care about them instead of another parent. if that is to be. 

THere is a way to make it work. Plenty of books on the subject as well. I can send list later

write me soon please


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Bcc

Just like jpr has said, please reach out. Remember, I told you about my bandmate from HS yesterday. Sydney, Bailey and Cole need you...


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

bcc said:


> I have a question, why is ending it all such a bad thing, why cant it be the only answer, seems like a simple easy solution to everyones pain


Because life is a gift and just because someone damages your gift doesn't mean it's worthless and ready for the trash heap; it can be fixed and used some more to bring joy. Even if it doesn't feel like a gift, it is. It is an opportunity to write your own story, if you have the desire. If you don't have the desire, find it.

I suggest you watch "Toy Story" 1 2 and 3 with your kids.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Bcc

Does Cole have a football? You told me Sydney likes to play the flute, what songs can she play?


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Bcc, are you here?

Which Barbies are Bailey's favorite? Which ones doesn't she have yet? How about you buy a couple for her now and give them to her tonight?

What kinds of crafts does Sydney like? Can you get her some craft toys and do a project with her tonight? 

What kind of pizza does Cole like? Has he ever made one before? Maybe you two can make one together and throw a ball around tonight?

Tell us something else about them. Some of us don't have kids and wish we did and want your kids to have happiness.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

bcc: I absolutely love hearing about Sydney, Bailey and Cole, because just hearing about what they do at their young ages just brings back so many pleasant memories of yesteryear when those two knuckleheaded boys of mine were their age!


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

bcc -- I sent you a PM.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

I am with arbitrator and everyone else, we want to hear more about Sydney, Bailey and Cole. Can you please respond? We want to know more about them?

Can you tell us that you have contacted mental health care professional. Listen bcc, I can't make any promises, but I can assure you that most of them are not interested in locking you away. That is stuff in the movies. They want nothing more than you to have a healthy happy life with your children. Please come back man.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

BCC, where are you now? Talk to us....


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

dormant said:


> BCC, where are you now? Talk to us....


Please man, bcc... you remember yesterday, you got through it... you are NOT alone bcc. We want to hear about Sydney, Bailey and Cole. Tell us a funny story.

Can you also promise us you will call for professional help?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

It appears that he is now offline here at TAM right now!


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

He signed off about 15 min ago - so he was still on and viewing this thread. Maybe he had to go to appt or to get his children. Almost 5 pm on east coast.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Can someone tell me how to contact a moderator? I'm on my iPhone not the full site. 

Bcc think about this. Your kids have a 60% higher chance of killing themselves at any point in their lives if you kill yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> Can someone tell me how to contact a moderator? I'm on my iPhone not the full site.
> 
> Bcc think about this. Your kids have a 60% higher chance of killing themselves at any point in their lives if you kill yourself.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


diwali: Send a private TAM message to any of the TAM moderators that you can find being sure to specify the thread name, date, and approximate time.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Can others assist me in reporting this? I'm sorry bcc. I'm not willing to let your child go through this. I reported the thread and gave them suggestions on his to proceed, I pray that it helps.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I reported it to one of the mods yesterday, but never heard back.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Wonderful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Anyone know what city he is in?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

I have no idea. I'm worried since he's gone quiet. Not a good sign.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Apparently it has already been taken care of, so if he doesn't respond I am hoping it's because he's getting help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

Perhaps he is seeing a professional? 


I sooooo hope that is true.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> Anyone know what city he is in?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He only said MA, but not being from those parts it would be hard to know. There was a fellow New Englander on here earlier, but don't know where he/she is. 

BCC, 

If you are still getting email notices and can read this, please think about Sydney, Bailey and Cole.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

jpr said:


> Perhaps he is seeing a professional?
> 
> 
> I sooooo hope that is true.


I hope so too.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

He never did tell us about the appointment, so I hope he went to see someone. I'm holding on to that.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I'm hoping they tracked his ISP and called the cops and the provider provided his address. If so its going to be really hard for him to avoid at least a 96 hour inpatient stay. At least. 
I used to work as a tech in a mental hospital. It's what he needs right now. I know he will probably be angry at us and the admins for it but he wouldn't have posted here if part of him wasn't crying for help. 
Hopefully they will get him some medication, therapy, support, and help him get resources to use after he leaves.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Appropriate steps have been taken with the safety of the OP in mind.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Good to hear.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Thank you Deejo, 

I see you are his area (same state)... I really hope it turns out Ok.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Thank you, Deejo. I missed the part where he had signed off. I thought there hadn't been any activity since the most recent time he posted. That gives me hope.

I saw this when I was walking out to my car. The photo doesn't capture how vivid and gorgeous it was. Is this a sign of hope?


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

bcc said:


> His name is Cole and I miss him and my family together I CANT GO ON I just cant


bcc, i have 5 kids, they are the world to me, when this first happened to me i felt the same way, it passes my freind, i promise you it passes. i'm not big on pills but you really need a little help right now, go to the er, tell them whats going on & how your feeling, they will help you, ,maybe some xanax & an anti depressant to get you through the tough times. i don't know you but i do know how you feel.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

To all of my TAM brothers and sisters: Thank you all for your heartfelt participation on this thread earlier today in attempting to steer a young man in the right direction of placing his family before himself. I think that we owe each participating member a debt of gratitude!

I pray that he will seek out the help that he so greatly needs and that this family can, in some way, come to heal from within.

Please continue to keep him, his family, and more especially his three beautiful children in your prayers!


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

i am here


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## SCsweety81 (Sep 27, 2012)

bcc said:


> i am here


What did you and the kids do tonight?


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

bcc said:


> i am here


How are you doing? Please tell me you are going to at least try to get some professional counseling... A good health expert is not interested in locking anyone up. They want to to come to a place where you can have a quality life. 

How was your time with the Sydney, Bailey and Cole?


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

Thank you, I saw my babies we went to eat and i bought them toys, i could tell my wife ran off quick to be with someone, she came back disheveled, I am so heartbroken, how could she do this I realize now love her even though she has made my life hell since we met. Why do I love her, why why why why why. Im alone drinking now and I feel it may be the last time i may see them my pain, so great. please dont track me waste of time


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Do you feel like talking, you have my number. I can't tell you how to win back your wife's love, but please Sydney Bailey and Cole need you... I don't think it will be the last time you see them. I told you, I will not patronize you to pretend how hurt you feel, but I know your babies want their daddy. Please, talk with someone. 

I know you have heard the constant drum beat and probably it sounds like noise, but I can assure you a good health professional can guide you to HOPE again. 



bcc said:


> Thank you, I saw my babies we went to eat and i bought them toys, i could tell my wife ran off quick to be with someone, she came back disheveled, I am so heartbroken, how could she do this I realize now love her even though she has made my life hell since we met. Why do I love her, why why why why why. Im alone drinking now and I feel it may be the last time i may see them my pain, so great. please dont track me waste of time


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

BCC,

You don't owe me or anyone else here anything, but your babies... you owe them years. I am a father, that much pain I can empathize with you on. Please, for them.


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

Im on all kinds of crap, saw my doctor and therapist, they know im suicidal but because im still grasping at straws they made me swear I will call 911 at last minute


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

bcc said:


> Im on all kinds of crap, saw my doctor and therapist, they know im suicidal but because im still grasping at straws they made me swear I will call 911 at last minute


Will you? Will you call 911 if you think you need to?


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

If you kill yourself you'll mess up your children for the rest of their lives and leave legacy of pain and emotional dysfunction that will span countless generations to follow.

If you stay and fight you'll always be their father regardless of the path mom chooses to take.

Why roll over and let her "win"?

You and your kids deserve better.

Also realize that the mind can play nasty tricks and make you think that things are hopeless and much worse than they really are.

If you stick it out, a year or two from now you'll look back and say to yourself "what was I thinking..?" because you'll be in a much better place.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

bcc,

I know you don't know me. I want to offer something that helped me when I was feeling like "checking out" and couldn't think. I cried all the time. I was a mess. I kept asking myself the same thing. Why? I made it and my family thought I might not. You can, too. 

I took little baby steps at first. I tried to be proud of myself for each moment I accomplished something. I said to myself, "Okay, I did that at least." Then, if that was all I could do, that was alright. Each little thing for itself and for me. One tiny step at a time.

I finally got myself an audio book because I wasn't able to force myself to do anything, even read for any length of time. This book was pretty inspirational for me. I put it on my Ipod and took it to work. I used one earbud so I could hear if my supe wanted something. It is called "The Last Lecture", by Randy Pausch. 

I also prayed a lot. I mean, a lot. Well, hope it helps. You don't believe it now, but you will, one day, feel differently about things. I do and I wanted to be dead.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

bcc said:


> i am here


Are you still here? Want to know how you are doing. Where did you and your babies go to eat tonight? I bet they were soooo happy to see you?


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

should i text my wife and remind her how much we were meant to be together


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

or is this my imagination working against me


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

bcc said:


> should i text my wife and remind her how much we were meant to be together


I don't know, but you could txt her to tell what beautiful babies you both made.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

bcc said:


> should i text my wife and remind her how much we were meant to be together


As much as this seems like it will help your pain lift, it unfortunately won't.

Your pain is born of rejection. Don't give her any more opportunities to do so.

Hold still. It's where you will find the strength you need right now.

Keep talking here. We know your pain and are listening.

It does get better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

yes i did but I dont even give a sh*t anymore I either live or die


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

spun said:


> As much as this seems like it will help your pain lift, it unfortunately won't.
> 
> Your pain is born of rejection. Don't give her any more opportunities to do so.
> 
> ...


I like this. A lot.

"Hold still".

Sometimes in life, you just need to hold still for a while.

Thanks, Spun. I needed to hear that today, myself.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Please phone that helpline, OP. No matter how bleak things seem right now, there are so many things to live for.

Your children love you and need you, and should you check out of this life, their lives will be scarred and damaged forever.

Keep on talking, and please phone that helpline...


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

bcc said:


> yes i did but I dont even give a sh*t anymore I either live or die


Minute by minute you hold still. That's how you make it, for now.

The minutes will become hours, the hours days, and the days months.

And along the way, what you feel now will lift.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

helpline, there is no help, you folks have been great to me, im hanging on by a string, dont care anymore what happens. My family is destroyed, if a man doesnt have his family what does he have, nothing.


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

bcc said:


> yes i did but I dont even give a sh*t anymore I either live or die


...but just look at all the people that DO care. Like I said to you, for every one person who posts in this thread, there must be 15-20 other people out there, lurking in cyber-space, reading your words and feeling your heartache...It is incredible. The amount of love and concern that is being thrown in your direction right now.

I hope and pray that you will feel that. Feel that love. Feel that hope that we all have for you. 

Please, BCC. None of us are professionals here. We can't really help you...not really. We can all show you our love, and get you our advice...but, only you can take the steps necessary to move yourself out of this horrible place. If you feel like hurting yourself, make the call. Call 911. Please.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

bcc said:


> yes i did but I dont even give a sh*t anymore I either live or die


Think back to the life you had before you met your wife.

Things were good then, without her, and they'll be good again.

And now you've got kids who love you. You'll always be their dad no matter who else comes in and out of their lives.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Bcc

I have to agree with spun...


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

deer hold still when they see headlights , it gets them killed


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

...but, what about possums?  Possums play "possum" and hold still...and it saves their lives.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

bcc said:


> deer hold still when they see headlights , it gets them killed


That's because they're already in the path of danger.

They're ok if they haven't yet stepped out into oncoming traffic.

It's safe in the woods.

(assuming there's no predators)


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

hahah nice jpr. very insightful , by the way if in sound funny im buried in a bottle of Irish cream to dull my pain. my wife and i are texting back and forth in an aggressive nature.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

But deer aren't terribly intelligent animals. You are a thinking, feeling human being. You still have a family even if she isn't a part of it. You still have your children, and they still have you.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Hold still and let this danger pass. It will pass. 

When are you planning on seeing your kids again? I'm so glad you got to see them tonight and that you had a good time together. They love you so much!


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

bcc said:


> helpline, there is no help, you folks have been great to me, im hanging on by a string, dont care anymore what happens. My family is destroyed, if a man doesnt have his family what does he have, nothing.


If you were nothing, I am not sure we would be here with you. You are something to us and you are daddy to your babies... No one else can replace you. You are important...


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

I wonder if the anger is setting in, the stages of grief and loss because i dont care anymore


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

You do care - that's why you're angry. Let that anger make you fight back. Fight back instead of giving up!


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

bcc said:


> I wonder if the anger is setting in, the stages of grief and loss because i dont care anymore


Even in the typical stages of grief there is always something one cares about. What is it you care about. One never holds out complete hopelessness. What do you still care about?


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

is life so indifferent where there is no certainties or predictions is that what it is.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

I know you still care about something... I may not be a professional therapist, but I know enough about the human brain to know that you still care... I read it in your words.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

bcc said:


> is life so indifferent where there is no certainties or predictions is that what it is.


These answers will come to you. You have to let them. You will figure it out. It takes a little time. Just give it time.


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

Life its definitely full of plenty of uncertainties. ....most all of its can attest to that. 

Sometimes, though, we must wait out these storms. I hope and pray that you are willing to wait it out another day....be a possum! 

I am of to bed, BBC. Please know you will be in my thoughts and prayers.


Goodnight, little possum BBC. 
 
You are loved.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

bcc said:


> is life so indifferent where there is no certainties or predictions is that what it is.


I won't lie, we are all most comfortable with certainty and predictable circumstances, but when those are not there we are best served by making wise choices for ourselves and those who still love us... For you that would be Sydney, Bailey and Cole


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

No, there are very few certainties in life, that's true. But 'life' isn't something that happens to us. We have more control than we think. You have control over the kind of father and man you are, and from what you've been saying, you care about those things. Right?


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

angelpixie said:


> No, there are very few certainties in life, that's true. But 'life' isn't something that happens to us. We have more control than we think. You have control over the kind of father and man you are, and from what you've been saying, you care about those things. Right?


Well said


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

drerio said:


> I won't lie, we are all most comfortable with certainty and predictable circumstances, but when those are not there we are best served by making wise choices for ourselves and those who still love us... For you that would be Sydney, Bailey and Cole


Yes, there are definitely some constants in this life....and for you, that constant its the love of and for your children.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

jpr said:


> Yes, there are definitely some constants in this life....and for you, that constant its the love of and for your children.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And how much Bailey, Cole and Sydney need their Dad.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Well said angel and jpr... Bcc, you can make wise choices for those I know you still care about.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

bcc -- how are you doing? Are you still texting with her?


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

thinking of you, you can talk to me anytime, i do understand your pain & what your going through, lean on every one of us for strength
you got this, i know you do


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Do you want to tell us about the toys you got for your kids? Were they happy to get them?


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

'Morning, bcc. How are you doing today?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

BCC, I'd like to hear about the toys too. I have three grand kids and it might give me ideas for Christmas.


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## ImperfectMomma (May 2, 2012)

Good morning bcc. You made it through yesterday. You CAN do this! Look at this thread. Look at all the love and prayers surrounding you. Today may not be easy but maybe it will be just a tiny tiny bit better. You are cared about and loved.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Good morning, bcc.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Good morning Bcc - Patriots's fan here  So you had a bad night last night w/your wife - the texting - it got nasty - man - if not at any other time in your marriage, you need to realize this now - you have been the protector, caregiver, supportive friend to your wife that she did not deserve. You love her and have loved her, as you should. She is the mother of your children - she has been troubled for some time, and you have tried to help her - she is the one who needs some serious counseling - and it is not your fault that she is the way she is. She has a wire loose. You, however, are strong and deeply committed to the things that matter - and as any consolation, you won the prize in this marriage and got the best that your wife had to offer - your 3 children. Some people are meant to be parents and others it just falls into their lap and they don't know what to do about it because they are so wrapped up in their own selfishness and little world that they have no room for others or are too lazy to put forth any effort. You, my friend, have shown otherwise. You can't help but love your children, and you are spot on. 

I read your other posts - and your wife did some pretty crazy things that normal people do not do. You are a good man, and there is no shame in that, but now is the time to realize that your wife needs to fix herself. It won't happen until she crashes and burns, and you have not let her do that yet. Let her go - let her crash and burn. If you decide when she comes crawling back that you still want her, well, then you both should go to counseling together. Right now she needs individual counseling, but not by you. We can't fix the broken. We are too invested. 

As painful as it is, you need to realize that a cheater rewrites their marriage. They don't remember the good. That is not on you, that is on them - doesn't mean there was no good. It just means that they are not thinking clearly. Again, you cannot make her see that. She needs a wake up call. You need to show her indifference. You need to show her that this is on her, and she is the one that left the family, not you. As long as you stay active and positive in your childrens' lives, you and they will be OK. If you still want your wife after all of this - after all she has put you through - you need to show her that you are not the a$$ here and you are strong and are the provider and leader of your family. That will never change as long as you stick to your morals and put your children first.

Wrap-up: Your wife will crash and burn sooner or later. You need to hold your family (your children) together and protect them. When that time comes, you will be seeing things more clearly and seeing her for who she is. You will have an ah-ha moment, it will just happen, and you will know where to go from there. In the meantime, get yourself into some support groups - doesn't even have to be counseling, and meet some great people. Heck, you already found some great folks on TAMS - just keep talking to us. We'll talk about the weather or anything else you want to talk about. Tell me about the leaves in MA - have they started to change color? I miss the falls in New England - just about the prettiest views ever. Have you ever been to the Flume in NH?


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

See how many complete strangers care about you? 
There are people who have been through worse than this and found a way to rebuild their lives. People whose entire families died in war, who have been tortured and maimed, raped and humiliated. And they go on. And so will you. 
Yes life is not predictable and you are intense pain. But pain can't kill you. You can endure, you can overcome this and be a great father for your children. Just because you might not be with their mom in the future doesn't mean that you have lost them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

BCC, 

I just wanted to drop in with a little support. I am like a lot of others on this forum….I have been there. Not only have I been there, but I am still there 

It’s probably just as bad as your situation. The pain is the same anyway.

But, this is the point I am trying to make….. I am still here writing this. It’s been bad. It’s been terrible at times. But last night my daughter was laying with me on the couch…. And both my kids wanted me to sleep in the family home last night. They wanted me….

You are a father, and your kids are always going to need and want you. Nothing on this earth will take that away. They will always be there. Your wife can go completely insane…..and that’s just going to make them need you even more.

It is my job to take care of my kids. I will put their needs before my own. I will go through whatever I have to for them. After all, I would have died for them in the past….now I have to live for them. It is that simple.

When you get in that spot… and you know the spot I am talking 
about.... Tell yourself that. It is YOUR JOB to live for, and take care of your kids. They need you. They want you. And, F**k anyone who stands in your way. If thats not being a good man, I dont know what is.


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

hello everyone, I have made it through another day. Today was hard because all I kept feeling was jealously all day, knowing someone is touching my wife and I could see it in her last night when I picked up the kids. How could she be with someone else, we used to be so intimate and loving. I want to know who this person is and yet i dont. Im still having trouble seeing my kids, its heartbreaking. The pain is bad but in a different way, its deeper. i didnt cry today. But the jealousy is eating at me


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Folow the 180 and detach. 

I know it hurts brother. But look...we all here on CWI have survived it, or are surving it, and many of us are happier now. 

Stay the course. Keep breathing, keep moving, and make sure you are talking to someone about what you're going through.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Bandit's right, bcc! None of this is your fault, but as soon as you can get your bearings and detach, the sooner you can move on. Most all of us have gone through that, and it was just as painful for all of us.

You are a good and feeling man, and like the rest of us, you will be a true survivor and an absolute great father to those wonderful kids of yours!


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

bcc said:


> hello everyone, I have made it through another day. Today was hard because all I kept feeling was jealously all day, knowing someone is touching my wife and I could see it in her last night when I picked up the kids. How could she be with someone else, we used to be so intimate and loving. I want to know who this person is and yet i dont. Im still having trouble seeing my kids, its heartbreaking. The pain is bad but in a different way, its deeper. i didnt cry today. But the jealousy is eating at me


I know it hurts and you are jealous. I will not try to minimize what you are going through, however you sound like you are in a better place than when you first came on board. It's Ok to get it out and cry from time to time, but don't let it eat up so much that eventually when the time comes you will not be enjoy your own happiness. That time will come, it will.

The one thing you will always have is the honor of being your babies father. No one can take that away from you. Only you are daddy and it is on that you can build some hope.

BTW, now that you are here, you have a new family whether you like us or not... we are family, so don't be too much of a stranger. See us from time to time otherwise Bandit will get upset.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

hey, bcc -- I'm so glad to see you here. Listen to these great guys - they've been where you are now and have made it to the other side. You sound a little better, and stronger. Please keep contact here - you don't have to go through this alone. ((hug))
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Hi Bcc, yeah, when you mentioned jealousy it triggered some harsh memories for me too, how the other guy was reaping all things about my W that was a result of the hard work we both put in, how she was so giving of herself to him and all he had to do was be there and tell her what a fine looking @ss she had. Yuck.

If you are going through mind movies of the event one thing that worked for me was picturing the clown literally as that, I picture him running around honking a bicycle horn. It got me out of that sorry state plus also lightened up my heart a little, and logistically the clown model for me really is not very far from how the real truth all played out, it is a good metaphor to describe some loser who would put the moves on a married woman. And also helps to realize what your W did was genuinely pathetic.

Maybe that will help you get through those crappy thoughts a little.


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

Well, i understand that my kids need me, i do, but right now my life is so dead, im sleeping in my shop, i have no one to share time with, I have no life, no activities, nothing. But here is my wife, out with her friends, boyfriend whatever , having a good time. I just cant do it, it's not changing, I feel like hell. Winter is coming, I really still dont want to live


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

Thanks Lon, but im starting to feel bad again, worse and worse into the abyss i go, I figured out I have three options now. 
1. disappear, leave everything and start life somewhere else
2. Buy a boat and live on it, I always used to live on a boat before I got married(most rational choice)
3. self execution


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## SCsweety81 (Sep 27, 2012)

bcc said:


> Thanks Lon, but im starting to feel bad again, worse and worse into the abyss i go, I figured out I have three options now.
> 1. disappear, leave everything and start life somewhere else
> 2. Buy a boat and live on it, I always used to live on a boat before I got married(most rational choice)
> 3. self execution


You lived on a boat? That is awesome! 

I have always, always, loved that idea. Did you stay docked in a harbor, or something?


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

The problem with the boat is that im still lonely, here in this area near my family.
The disappearing option might work, go somewhere new, warm maybe
The self execution option eliminates everything, pain, jealousy, having to see wife, loneliness


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

bcc said:


> Thanks Lon, but im starting to feel bad again, worse and worse into the abyss i go, I figured out I have three options now.
> 1. disappear, leave everything and start life somewhere else
> 2. Buy a boat and live on it, I always used to live on a boat before I got married(most rational choice)
> 3. self execution


BCC,

How about four
4. Rebuild you life where you are at and continue to enjoy as much time as you can with Sydney, Baily and Cole. Being their father and teaching them the right way to live. You have too much to offer them to make choices 1 - 3. Although 2 only if you plan on being docked close by. 

It can be done, no one said it would be easy. But, many have already told you it can be done.


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

I was docked in a harbor in boston, it was awesome, as a matter of fact, my wife moved on with me, then we had Sydney


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Ditch #3.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Ditch #3.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree:


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

drerio, I feel like this state of pain im in is remarkably selfish, as I am having a hard time thinking about my children, I dont want to see them, I shake when im with them even though I love them so much, i feel my deep love for them is too much to bear so I am alienating myself


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

bcc said:


> The disappearing option might work, go somewhere new, warm



It's warm and wonderful here in Texas. Plenty of room, good employment prospects.

Not saying, however, that it doesn't occasionally get cold, but certainly not to the degree that it does there in Massachusetts!

And great seaport towns here that would allow you to have a boat. Check out Corpus Christi! It's a great city!


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

Im desperate, i feel as though if i dont do something soon I will lose it


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

your life will not stay the way it is now - it's all still very new and raw. i remember those days. it wasn't that long ago. but not only have i used this time as a chance todiscover myself and work on my issues, i have made new friends and tried a lot of new things i could have never done before. you say you have no activities, but it doesn't have to stay that way. getting involved with your kids will put you in touch with other parents, for one thing. TAM is a great place to get ideas. i was very much like you when my husband left me. i understand.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

sorry that you are feeling worse, bcc. i think your fear is keeping you from feeling the depths of your love foryour children. could that be it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Get yur a$$ to an emergency room now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

bcc said:


> drerio, I feel like this state of pain im in is remarkably selfish, as I am having a hard time thinking about my children, I dont want to see them, I shake when im with them even though I love them so much, i feel my deep love for them is too much to bear so I am alienating myself


Listen, please listen... I have not tried ever to patronize you, you know that. I know your pain is real and it is deep and none of us walk in your shoes right now, but their are footprints in the sand that allows you to at least follow the path that others have been down. You have to dig deep, deeper than your pain and just realize that your babies need you. You can't remove yourself from their lives, you just can't. You have to find a way to get past this... keep talking to us as often as you can to help you through. 

Were they excited to see you last night?


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

bcc said:


> Im desperate, i feel as though if i dont do something soon I will lose it


You made it through the last two nights, but as Bandit says, if you really are not sure of yourself definitely call 911.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

don't let yourself get to that point again, bcc. i think bandit is right - get to an emergency room. do you have an on-call number for your therapist? if so, use it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

bcc: We all deeply care about you and those beautiful kids of yours. We have walked in your shoes, and will be here for you to unselfishly give you the moral support that you so badly need!


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

It sucks. It takes time and things will get better gradually. I think you will look back on this one day and be glad you did t do anything stupid. Your kids need you. No one can replace you. They have one dad and one mother and no one can change that. Your kids love you unconditionally. Even when you are feeling like you do now.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

MSC71 said:


> It sucks. It takes time and things will get better gradually. I think you will look back on this one day and be glad you did t do anything stupid. Your kids need you. No one can replace you. They have one dad and one mother and no one can change that. Your kids love you unconditionally. Even when you are feeling like you do now.


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

Hi guys, having a tough time right now. All alone and crying


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

You're not alone, sweetie. We are here with you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Have you been eating? Please keep up your energy. Something as simple as that can help you feel better. it's all a series of little steps.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

That's right you are not alone... We are in every time zone. It's ok to cry, it can be cathartic


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Bcc

You a baseball fan?


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

yes


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

bcc said:


> yes


You gonna take Cole to a Sox game next season? If they got better pitching there is hope in climbing back up the division.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Just dropped by to see how you are, bcc. Hope you are hangin' tough.

Cried quite a bit myself. It was no fun. Thought I would never stop. I did. You will, too. 

Praying for you.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Bcc

No pro teams here, but I'm a phillies fan youngest is a giants fan... Oh well better luck for us both next year. 

So you go to the ballpark?


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Gotta remember to eat. Probably don't want to, though. Just something small is fine. Drink some water.

You know, I used to drink a little coffee or tea. It was nice to have something warn and soothing.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Sometimes, I would force myself to take a walk in the sunshine. I hated going out, but I did it anyway. 

Somehow, it, I don't know if I can explain it. You would have to try it. It's weird sometimes how, when I felt so terrible, I did things almost out of instinct or something. I had no real clear thoughts. I couldn't focus.


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

Ya little Cole loves sports, he will throw anything. Ball was one of his first words. But now my dream is gone, pulled out from under me like a rug. I really dont know how im going to make it through this hell, i have all the support in place but it's not working. I busted my a$$ working so hard, built another buisness for my family after my wife wrecked the first one i built then she says bye!!


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

2ntuf what happened to you??
drerio thanks you have been with me since the beginning


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

It changed, but I had to let it. I had to just keep the faith. I never thought it would. Seemed like forever. It changed. I can think much more clearly. My thoughts aren't as cluttered. I can focus.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

found out my wife was cheating


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

didn't see the red flags even though they were there


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

did your second half walk out???


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

told myself, it isn't going to happen again

first wife cheated as well, more to it than that, though

don't want to deceive you just don't want to get into too much detail on first


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

Oh, do you have kids


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

hell yeah it was a mess


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

from first marriage

girl 26 and boy 22


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

and a grand son and a grand daughter


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

bcc said:


> Ya little Cole loves sports, he will throw anything. Ball was one of his first words. But now my dream is gone, pulled out from under me like a rug. I really dont know how im going to make it through this hell, i have all the support in place but it's not working. I busted my a$$ working so hard, built another buisness for my family after my wife wrecked the first one i built then she says bye!!


And, you will make it... You did good man... Take pride in what you built... You did it... That is awesome example to Cole. My sons first word was ball... You have to get him a glove and one for yourself and throw a ball. You have to take him to Fenway... He will thank you someday for working hard and throwing the ball with him.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

It's very hard and very painful to lose a dream. We understand - we've lost them, too. But Cole is still here. You dreamed of being a father, and that came true three times over! So, not every dream was lost. You can make new dreams, too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

had to deal with them as well 

2nd wife put a huge tear in my relationship with my kids, my mom, my brothers, their wives and me

my whole family abandoned me, except for my sister


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

What happened to that dream, growing old together, raising kids, watching them go to college its all gone for me , do you think there still reason too live, i just cant see it. Ive closed the doors. Im 42 how am I going meet someone else and be happy again it takes too long


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I'm talking with my kids now

had to work it out

it is working 

you can too


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I need to go to sleep now, bcc, but I'll see you in the morning. I know you're in good hands. ((hugs)) to you
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Bcc

42 is young... You have way to many years ahead of you. Remember it is as much Cole, Sydney and Bailey's dream to know daddy still loves them.


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

12 years of my life and the only thing good that came out was my children. 12 freaking years to have her find a boyfriend. Yeh you know when I first met her she took 3 thousand i had hidden in house and gave it to her mother without ever asking me. When I found out she said I was going to tell you. I should have dumped her then


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

bcc,
I'm 50!!!


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I helped my wife start her business so we could have something better. It was that or I go to school.

When her business made it. She left. Cheating on me while I was helping her.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Bcc

And those children are the best thing you could ask for in spite of her. I don't know if I can ever fully answer what you should have done, but children are the hope for your future.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I let my career go to help her. I have to start over as well. It sucks.

I don't care. Somehow, I will do it!


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Your kids will love you no matter what. Once they have grown and you see them smile. You will know you have done your job. They will need you. 

It doesn't matter where they live. You will always be on their mind.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

The littlest things you do for them will mean the world.

That's why you have to keep going.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> Your kids will love you no matter what. Once they have grown and you see them smile. You will know you have done your job. They will need you.
> 
> It doesn't matter where they live. You will always be on their mind.


Totally agree... Bcc you will always be daddy


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

They will remember the times you gave them a hug when they were sick.

they will want you around to ask why you hugged them

they will need your life experiences to help them understand their lives


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

I wish I had your attitude 2nt, now I feel as though the future is gone, my children will do fine without me, too me if you dont have mommy and daddy together there is no family, no children, its all or nothing for me, what if this guy moves in and raises my kids, i dont want to be around for that


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

you can't possibly know how important it is for you to be here for them

I know I had no idea what to think, my mind was so screwed up 

too many thoughts I could not process all the questions i had


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

bcc said:


> I wish I had your attitude 2nt, now I feel as though the future is gone, my children will do fine without me, too me if you dont have mommy and daddy together there is no family, no children, its all or nothing for me, what if this guy moves in and raises my kids, i dont want to be around for that


Oh no way... I've seen this story before... You got it wrong, the OM can't raise your kids; never happen. He may be present, but your kids will never respect him... You man, you have to teach them...


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

if you leave an empty hole there, you can be sure that it will happen. nobody will move in if you don't let them. you have legal rights as their father, too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

yeah, I hear ya

THERE IS NO SUBSTITUTE FOR DADDY

YOU ARE THEIR DADDY NO ONE! NO ONE CAN TAKE YOUR PLACE!

EVER!!


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> yeah, I hear ya
> 
> THERE IS NO SUBSTITUTE FOR DADDY
> 
> ...


Bcc ^^^^^^^
This read it over and over


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

Its a lose lose situation, mother wins, daddy loses, kids lose I think im going to go crazy i feel like im losing touch with reality im under so much stress. Just the though someone else is touching my wife SICK at the cost of her family


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

At least you got kids out of the deal bcc. 

I wasted 21 years with my ex, and divorced after her second affair. 

All I have is my dog and an empty house. You're not alone in this pain. You will survive this and come out stronger on the other side. 

You gotta have faith in yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Hold your head up... You did good. You gave your kids everything they needed, financial, emotional and daddy security. But you have to be around to continue that. No POSOM will do this... You


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Do not listen to the crap you are thinking right now.

You have to live your life to prove me wrong and you know it. 

And I am not wrong. I love my kids. I will always love them and I will not give up on them. Never! I don't care what they say or what happens.

I have been through it.


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

21 years bandit 21 years like water under the bridge, gone for what, wasted time all because u chose wrong woman, me too, wasted 12 years of my life, the story continues down the line, unfaithful, unreliable bullstt


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

I need to leave, escape, its coming. I will fly to hawaii just leave on a jetplane. I dont want to fight the fights, dont want to feel the pain


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

Its another form of suicide, just disappear


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

You didn't make any bad choices she did, not you. She created uncertainty, but that does not mean you have to create uncertainty in your children's lives. You need to be the stable force in Sydney, Bailey and Cole's life.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

bcc said:


> I need to leave, escape, its coming. I will fly to hawaii just leave on a jetplane. I dont want to fight the fights, dont want to feel the pain


Well you are coming here... You get here you give me a call. Hawaii is my home.


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

I dont ever want to see this boyfriend of hers , never near my kids


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

bcc said:


> 21 years bandit 21 years like water under the bridge, gone for what, wasted time all because u chose wrong woman, me too, wasted 12 years of my life, the story continues down the line, unfaithful, unreliable bullstt


not wasted don't you tell me that!

It is a little thing they call............life!!

The only way to waste it is to give up!!!


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

You come here and see me, I will make sure you hear and see your kids again


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I fought too hard for my kids!!!

I paid the support!! I paid my dues!!

I'm not giving up my kids dammit!!

I love them!


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

HAH drerio yes Hawaii far from here and this nightmare


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I won't let her win.

NO MATTER WHAT!


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

bcc said:


> HAH drerio yes Hawaii far from here and this nightmare


Well you make it here, you call me...


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

2nt do you still feel you are a family


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

I will call you, my friend lived in Hilo?? correct??


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

my son, my daughter and I will ALWAYS BE A FAMILY


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

bcc said:


> I will call you, my friend lived in Hilo?? correct??


I live on O'ahu... Hilo is on the Big Island.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Here you go

http://gohawaii.about.com/library/maps/blclickable_maps.htm


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

bcc,

you gotta get some sleep if you are going to beat this thing.

even an hour will help you get past some of the tough times.

you're gonna be okay.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

alcohol will make you feel worse. try to stay away from it.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

I agree with 2ntnuf... Sleep my friend and fight another day. Sydney, Bailey, Cole want u to fight for them


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

do something that will require a lot of your attention to keep your mind off of the sh;t. 

if you get that book i talked about and listen to it while you are doing something else, you won't think about the other stuff as much

you have to keep your mind and body occupied and sometimes that means you go to bed so exhausted when your head touches the pillow, you go to sleep


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

guys at work got mad at me for working too hard

they didn't know, i had to


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

your a good man, bcc

your just going through a little rough spot

it's okay you will be alright


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## Rosemary's Granddaughter (Aug 25, 2012)

bcc~
Hello~I've been reading along, and am praying for you and your little ones.

Something amazing will happen with your children and you--children are very loyal, and as time goes on, you will actually witness them protecting you, and hear them voicing their loyalty and love for you. It is one of the most fulfilling things that has happened to me, as a parent. And it is genuine and pure, bcc. I don't want you to miss it when it happens--in fact, you _must_ be here for it to happen.

You are their daddy, and while they will have big enough hearts to love many people in their lives (a character trait to be proud of!), absolutely no one will be able to replace you.

For many years, my oldest son and I were a *family*. We talked about it any time it came up, and he and I learned, together, that families are formed in many shapes and sizes. Together with your children, you are a family! <3


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

bcc,don't let what your wife has done dictate to you what your value to being in this world is worth.Her actions don't equate to your worth,only her own.Believe me when I say that your kids are going to need you more than you may realize at the moment.I lost my first son shortly after he was born and when I left my ex I also left the everyday life I had with my other son.Those were losses that caused me severe pain and sent me into a tailspin,but through it all and the many miles traveled over the years the connection between me and my son remained strong.

The OM never replaced me in my son's eyes,I was always dad.During troubling times in his life he always sought me out for help and guidance and in the process has helped me to realize my own strengths as a man and value as a father.When he was seventeen or so,suicide became an option for him but thank God he reached out to me and thank God I was still around to help him through and find a better way.Nowadays he's a happily married husband and father and I like to think I had a small part in that.

You know bcc whatever pain I experienced from that marriage has long since subsided into the past,but the happiness I feel in being a father and a gandfather is alive and well and enduring.

Please make the right decision for your kids....they are going to need you,and the pain of what has happened will pass and that is simply the truth.Please get the help you need in your struggle...choose the better path.Peace and God bless.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

bcc,
I have not been commenting on your thread, since you have some of TAMs best here, but have been following it the entire time. I, like so many others here, understand your pain and have been though something similar. My exh cheated and left me for a much younger woman, it was the most difficult thing I have ever been through, but I promise you it gets better with time. We have a 4yr old son and we are still a family for him, even though we are now divorced. Your beautiful children need you to be a stable force in their life, no one can replace you.

I will be thinking of you today bcc, just take one day, one hour, or one minute at a time. Keep coming back to TAM, everyone here helped me thru my most difficult times.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Goodguy2003 (May 31, 2012)

Bcc,
Just hold on, give it some time. Don't take any big decisions in this state of mind.

How often do you see your kids?

My two girls of 5 live 1800km away from me, I see them once every two months. I can totally relate to your feelings, still bouncing between hope and despair and also think about giving up regularly.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

bcc: We all think about giving up from time to time. My STBXW is trying to lay ruin to me financially and , at times, seems to be succeeding. 

But what gives me the wind under my wings and the air in my lungs are my two sons. I guess that I could "check out" and leave them, but there's just so very much of their young lives that I want to be around to share.

And since your three are so very much younger than mine, there's even more memories lying ahead for you as they grow through the years.

Trust me, God truly does not want you to miss that! And neither do they!


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

At the point I wanted to check out a couple of years ago, the one thing that stopped me was the mere possibility that my son could ever think it was his fault. The only way to guarantee that didn't happen was for me to be there. It has gotten easier. I still feel pain when I look back at that time, but it was pain that made me stronger in the end. 

It would be awful to see your kids dealing with someone else, but it's also awful for them. Take some of that from them by being there and being the Daddy they know and love and can always count on.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Just checking in with you, bcc. How are you feeling today? The leaves are changing colors here and it's beautiful. What is it like there?


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

Hey Bcc....I was thinking of you and wondering how your day is going.

Can you give us an update when you get a chance?


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

Hi guys, just finished up work, still living in the shop. 
Today I have not cried yet, its almost unbelievable. I have not felt sad, two times I had an anxiety attack, but they were small. Im starting to see how toxic my wife was to me over the years and how unstable she is. Do I really want that back???Why would I want that back??? I still feel some jelousy when i think of her being with another guy but then I think How I couldnt really stand her after all the lying she did to me about money, I dont know who this guy is or if at all But that thought repulses me, then I think how repulsed I was at her the last few years, how could i sleep with someone who ruined me and my family, then continued to do it again, no communication between us, never, do I want to grow old with someone like that


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## SCsweety81 (Sep 27, 2012)

Isn't that an empowering feeling, bcc? I'm just getting there, myself.


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

I was so happy when I finally really felt "indifferent" towards Sasquatch. It takes some time, though. There are backslides, and I still get a little melancholy. But, I am mostly "indifferent". It now sort of irritates me when he texts me or emails me...and, at one time, I was anxiously awaiting any text or email he send me, reading into every little word and sentence. 

Now, I am just so happy that I only have to see him once a week when I drop off my son. He is not the type of person I want to be around.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Absolutely agree. It is such a feeling of freedom when the blinders come off and we can see our spouses as they really are. there's a saying i like: only make space in your heart for people who want to be there. for other people? let them go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Bcc,

I am liking your tone and chattiness. You are sounding like someone ready to move forward.


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

Now Im trying to figure out tactics, like my xwife still goes to the bank to deposit the buisness money, I feel like I should let her because she has not asked for any money for the bills or kids, but then I feel like I should shut her off and change the account, she acts like there is nothing wrong, like were still together,"hi do you have any deposits" She is still watching the account everyday to make sure I can operate, because it fluctuates quickly. She asks me if I bought boat yet (home), and if i called mediator(lawyer) as if she seeing where we stand??? What should I do


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

bcc said:


> Ya little Cole loves sports, he will throw anything. Ball was one of his first words. But now my dream is gone, pulled out from under me like a rug. I really dont know how im going to make it through this hell, i have all the support in place but it's not working. I busted my a$$ working so hard, built another buisness for my family after my wife wrecked the first one i built then she says bye!!


How you planned everything to workout is gone. Life never goes as planned for anyone ! And guess what, Cole still loves sports. He still loves you. He still needs you. You are his daddy. This guy she is with is not going to work out. Nor will any of her relationships most likely. But you will be the one constant man in your child's life. They need that. If you love them like you say you do, you will never take yourself out of their life. How you feel now is normal. It will get better. I know it seems that it won't, but it will !


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

she also told me she filed the health insurance with me on the plan so we can keep it as is, which I do appreciate. But we are moving further apart, no more texting, no calls, complete isolation from each other.


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

Thanks, msc Im still having trouble seeing or talking to kids, it hurts too much. Im not even calling them, because I will spiral out of emotion and want to hang myself again. I know once I am stronger I can re enter what should i do??


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

bcc said:


> Thanks, msc Im still having trouble seeing or talking to kids, it hurts too much. Im not even calling them, because I will spiral out of emotion and want to hang myself again. I know once I am stronger I can re enter what should i do??


You need to be in their life. Right now. They need that. You should call them and let them know you love them . And you should call them as much as possible. As hard as it may seem, do it for them ! And you may get sad after talking to them, which means you are human. No excuses. Just do it. And if you want to cry afterwards, let it out. Allow yourself to cry when it hurts. That is normal. Just don't even consider harming yourself. Tell your self over and over that doing that is not an option! You are in control of your thoughts, so start by getting that thought out of your head.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

is she a co-owner of the business, or is it just in your name? do you have a lawyer you can talk to? he/she would be able to tell you what you still have to let her have access to in terms of business deposits, insurance, etc. For the time being, try not to engage her in any discussions about anything serious.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

bcc: I love hearing your tone! It's so great that you're putting some deep thought into your situation and seeing it for what it is. It makes me and the rest of us TAM'ers feel so good!

We'll help walk you through this if you let us, just as we might need your help with the problems that we have!

If you have questions, please feel free to ask away! We all care so very much for you and those three wonderful kids of yours!


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

she is not co owner of the business AP, Ive been trying to reach my lawyer for 2 days


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Well it's good she isn't part owner. That should make keeping things out of her hands a bit easier. I wish I was qualified to give you help on that, bcc.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

started thinking again, Now I start thinking about her and this guy in bed together and my imagination starts`going crazy, do other people get this and what helps


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Well the clown image I mentioned works for me. Try a different image if it doesn't for you.


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

Lon, but why are we on the receiving end of this grief and not the other end. Why cant we be just as happy as we think are ex's are or is a lot in our imagination


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I don't think our exes are really, truly happy. they're in a fog, and they think they're happy. it's not real.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

Ya because I believe you would have to be a true sociopath to really be happy, there has to be feelings there somewhere.


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

MSC71 said:


> You need to be in their life. Right now. They need that. You should call them and let them know you love them . And you should call them as much as possible. As hard as it may seem, do it for them ! And you may get sad after talking to them, which means you are human. No excuses. Just do it. And if you want to cry afterwards, let it out. Allow yourself to cry when it hurts. That is normal. Just don't even consider harming yourself. Tell your self over and over that doing that is not an option! You are in control of your thoughts, so start by getting that thought out of your head.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:
trust me bcc, i have 5 kids, been through this once before 13 yrs ago. this is one of lifes biggest stresses. in the beginning it is pure hell. honestly it is the friggen worst. after a couple months most people get stronger between the 2nd & 3rd month, a lot stronger!!!! i promise this, it's proven. get there bro, you just gotta get there. dealing with my kids in my ending was hell, but then i gathered strength from them, no matter what i was their daddy. i know it seems like life can't go on, read my thread my friend & see my hell. learn from us, were all from the same place, this is like my aa for the ending of this chapter of my life. i've spent as many hours on here as i do in my work. it keeps me sane, forever sad writes letters on here, i've done the same, it helps friend. 

the no contact with her is actually a great thing, i know you don't get that but it's true. she has to miss you & see a strong version of you before anything will happen, i promise you she thinks of you every day & all day, right now it's not good thoughts though, do not talk to her when you call the kids, politely ask to speak to your children & hang up when your done. become mysterious, make her wonder. i know it's a lot to handle & absorb but TAM literally saved my life. i dont have many close friends where i live, i was a family man so i was a home body & i found out the true loyalty of what i thought were friends here, all pos's !!!! most my 30 yr brothers are between 1-3 hrs away. 1 25 yr friend that i call a brother that lives here, but he;s busy owning a repair shop like me & he's married & i don't like to intrude with my drama. i also had serious thoughts of ending, honestly & i've never said this to anybody ever, i sat in my executive chair in my private office at my business with the lights off & a loaded gun, it was going to be my end. even wrote a good bye letter, in tears i called a church, my dr & my counselor. been there my friend. been there. i'll pm you my number, you can call me 24/7 just to talk. we can become brother from now till 30 years from now bro. do you like cars, whats your sports. how old are you, you've got a friend in cali if you need one
ps, because we are all the morale ones on here & by the way i also have been living at my shop the last 6 months


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> bcc: I love hearing your tone! It's so great that you're putting some deep thought into your situation and seeing it for what it is. It makes me and the rest of us TAM'ers feel so good!
> 
> We'll help walk you through this if you let us, just as we might need your help with the problems that we have!
> 
> If you have questions, please feel free to ask away! We all care so very much for you and those three wonderful kids of yours!


arbitrator, ive never posted on your thread but i've always followed along in your journey, i just want to say i think your a hell of a man & would be honored to shake your hand some day
ps you can teach me to pig hunt. i'd like to try that :smthumbup:


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

bcc said:


> Lon, but why are we on the receiving end of this grief and not the other end. Why cant we be just as happy as we think are ex's are or is a lot in our imagination


We are on the receiving end of grief because we were invested in a relationship in which it turns out our spouses weren't. We loved them, but they didn't, or no longer, truly loved us. We think they are happy because when they are getting a long-neglected need (either sex, or just affection, or even just strange) met by cheating, we did not cheat and are still dealing with our own neglected relationship needs on top of all the sh!t that just got dumped on us.

A lot of how we perceive their happiness really is in our imaginations. For instance, my ex, at the time she was starting her affair, had an outbreak of shingles all across her belly and sides... I later found nude pics she had taken on her phone, some of which she emailed to her OM, and saw the rash and now I can't help think to myself what a miserable wretch she must have felt like to have done that, and the stress surely showed.

We also feel like crap because as men we really do feel like we are the ones supposed to be holding everything together, we are the stable ones, the problem solvers, the fixers, and so it feels like utter failure not just that we are losing our dreams and goals, but also that our wives whom we love so much were feeling so neglected and miserable because of us - we blame ourselves for their unhappiness too. Even if we logically know that we cannot control another person's emotions, nor read minds, we find ways to put the weight of it on our own shoulders.

As you begin detaching and letting go you will feel some of that weight come off, your breaths will feel deeper and more sustaining and you will experience some relief in not having to solve the unsolvable problems anymore.

I honestly do hope you are able to get to that point soon - for me it took a good solid three and a half weeks of anguish and intense sadness, I could not stop crying. Then eventually the pain slowly began to subside, it still hasn't completely gone away yet but with each day it recedes a little more and my own life begins to feel a little bit more whole again, the loneliness was overwhelming but it has been turning from hopelessness to hopefulness. I still cry on the drop of a hat, I think I lost some testosterone, definitely lost some hair, got some wrinkles, got a little more grey, but I have gotten wiser and have learned a lot about myself that I needed to learn. Still working at it, for me it goes beyond just dealing with divorce, its dealing with longstanding issues about my self-esteem, my guilt and my fears. I intend to make my life even better than when I was in my marriage, and better than the years before I was married, and I hope to bring my son along for the ride and show him how to get the most out of his one precious life.

When I was in the crisis, there were times I didn't want to live, but when I got angry I found I was able to focus and use it, and there were frustrating and depressing times but there were also moments of clarity and pure joy - for me it was a roller coaster - in those low moments I did go to doctor, but never did take up offer for meds, though I went to a counsellor/therapist and I felt like it helped me cope a lot better - my therapist actually did awareness exercises and meditation with me and didn't just let me vent and ramble on (though there was lots I needed to get off my chest) and every session felt like a reset, I'd come out feeling ready to take on anything. I hope you decide to see a professional therapist, and if they do not seem very useful to you look around for a different one... I still go on a regular basis, but rarely talk about my divorce or ex W any more. I managed to let go pretty good - I really embraced the "180" they talk about on this site a lot. I still co-parent with her, and have to deal with her sh!t once in awhile but it no longer causes me anxiety or sadness.

I am telling you all this because some of this may be what you are in for, or not you may have completely different experiences, and it may not be all pleasant but it will come to feel natural so it's normal to have anxiety about your future but you will see it is not so difficult, you just simply do what's next and it gets easier with time. Happiness will come in bursts, those moments when your kids do something new (two weeks ago I took my son's training wheels off and he totally rocked his bike, was so amazing to witness). And you may find friends through this - people you know already but somehow are able to really help you through this, there were two people in particular in my life that I am so grateful they were there for me in this ordeal (and at first I thought I'd be all alone since I really had no friends I considered close).

Anyways, life still is what you make it, you just had a big fall but will inevitably get back up again and it will be just as joyful as it was before this all went down.

Have a good night bcc, I look forward to reading more of this thread tomorrow.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Wow, that was brilliant, Lon.

Good night, bcc. See you tomorrow.


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

Its 2:15 at night and I keep obsessing about my wife being with this other guy, its driving me crazy cant sleep. My depression has turned to obsession, about her and this guy, Please will someone talk with me


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

hey bcc, still up I see...


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

so what does your username mean? Is that your initials or something?


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

Ya Lon I cant stop thinking about my wife and other guy and ya know your mind thinks of the details and I cant sleep


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

My first name is Bill the others are my middle and last name intial


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

yeah, your mind is racing through all kinds of nasty stuff right now.

best thing sometimes is to just breathe, close your eyes and think of one thing...

actually my therapist gave me one thing to ease my rattled brain... a 5,4,3,2,1 exercise:

close your eyes, listen for 5 distinct sounds and identify them... then open your eyes, look around and notice 4 things... then close your eyes again and think of three things you can feel (like your pulse, your feet touching the floor, the tension in your muscles), then do 2 things you can hear, and finally one more time something you can see.

I do this when I get a little wound up sometimes.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

well it's nice to know your name Bill... mine is Lon, lol (very creative on the username eh?)


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

now I start thinking of the details, my mind is playing a movie of what I would envision


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

Yes Lon, im doing it right now. Its almost putting me to sleep


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

so the clown thing doesn't work? I think before I came up with the clown thing (I think it was a commenter here named morituri that suggested it) I used to picture the guy at her new apt with my son there, and I'd go smash his face in repeatedly. That thought just made me angrier and didn't really get me anywhere.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

All these things are under your control. 

You need stop giving her power over your emotions.


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

lon how long has it been for you since it ended


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

upanover , I know shes got this power over my mind, because I still love her in some sick way, and now its all centered around her sex life


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

Lon I like the smashing his face in thing made me laugh


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Since the marriage ended? Well May 3rd, 2011 was dday (discovery day) for me - I remember that because it was exactly 7 years since the day I proposed to her. I don't know all the details of her affairs, but I know for sure it was physical by April, and that she was emailing pics in March, and I am pretty sure there was an email from January (I recovered a deleted email file but only had the subject and it was the same subject line as an email she used in March.). Anyways, she started staying at a friend's house May 16th (that is the day we agreed to officially start separation) and on June 3rd I told her she had to stay moved out. I went to see lawyers the begining of June 2011, took awhile to actually get draft separation agreement ready... it was signed along with the divorce decree on Mar.5 this year and took affect Apr.5, this year.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

bcc said:


> Lon I like the smashing his face in thing made me laugh


If I had happened to run into him like it was in my mind I would have done it too.

But it wasn't really him I was disappointed in. I actually sent a really wicked text to him from my ex's phone, would have made the devil feel guilty, certainly made her feel ashamed.


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

My a**hole wife throws her house, family unit,kids happiness, husband away to act like a F*** ing you know what


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

Lon , what is the deal with this cheating crap, what happened to love each other through thick and thin sickness and health. What the hell do these cheaters think their getting away with


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

My wife has been a liar since I met her, my kids suffering like you wouldnt believe I can hardly look at them. I feel like killing myself again


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

As long as you're there to help them through this, Bill, they will make it. You will make it, too.


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

My middle baby she's 5 , she is the sweatest little thing , my oldest 8 is devastated, Im losing it


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Do you really want to throw away your one precious life for someone who treated you so badly? Is she worth your life? Of course not!


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

You will be OK, Bill. It's not going to be easy on your kids, but if you can help keep as much normal in their lives as possible, that will help a tremendous amount.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

yep it is a despicable thing to do. But you didn't do it, its all on her.

I don't really get why mine did either. In fact, she still has never apologized, the only thing she ever said she was sorry for was that I found out by seeing the pics (like that is supposed to somehow make either of us feel any better about it??). Even crazier, is at one point we met with a mediator to see if that is a route we wanted to go through for divorce (I ended up saying no because it was just a waste of money since we had already hammered out an agreement) and a question on the form was "reason for divorce:" I put "adultery on her" and she had no idea what to put, so I told her what I did and she tried to convince me that it wasn't really cheating or adultery at all (since a couple days before she actually let him put his penis in her, she told me she thinks she wants a divorce).

Whatever she is saying and doing, realize that she has already gone BSC, she is stuck in her fantasy version of life. She is crazy enough to throw away everything you thought you were both building together. So what will happen is she leaves with nothing - pretty stupid if you ask me. But it's her choice, when you love someone you just have to let them go do what they want, for me that is part of the reason I let my ex go do what she was asking for without much of a fight. (the main reason though was because what she did was the ultimate betrayal of trust and I lost all interest or attraction to having such a person in my life - I guess I am fortunate to atleast have had a clear idea of my own principles).


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

When is the next time you get to see them?


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

angel, their just so little and their mother is responsible for their suffering, so she can go out and think she's 18 years old, its sick, my life was perfect and now its hell. Maybe I should vanish into thin air, you know those stories people go to the store and never seen again.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Bill, I have to be up soon, I'd stay up and chat but I will need my rest for tomorrow, busy day.

you are a person of integrity, and you were with someone that was a user, so I know that even without her you will be so much better off once you give yourself permission to experience life. Stick around man, it sometimes gets quiet around here at night, so count some stuff and let yourself fall asleep.

good night and talk tomorrow...


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

But you're vanishing doesn't stop her from acting like she is, and it doesn't stop your little ones from hurting. It seems like it will help you, but you disappearing or ending it really doesn't solve anything.

She's making choices, and no matter whether you still love her or not, you have to let her do what she's going to do, make her own mistakes.

But you know better. You aren't acting like an 18 year old. You are paying attention to how your kids are hurting. She's not. So, you show your children how much compassion you have for what they're going through by being there for them.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I understand how hard it is to watch your child hurt. We tried really hard not to fight in front of our son, so when we told him we were separating, he was really surprised as well as devastated. I didn't want the split; my husband did. But it helped my son and I pull closer to each other.


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

My soon to be ex wife is taking them to NYC this weekend to see some distant family members. To be personal, my wife was born out of wedlock from a one night stand then her mother married and 7 years later he left for the sister (wife's aunt) You know whats really funny, I found all these letters she had written to her adopted father saying how she hated him for leaving her mother and how heartbroken she was


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Probably some good background for why she turned out the way she did. She never resolved all those issues.


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

good night Lon


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

Yes angel, I believe this is the case. where are you located


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

im sure your tired I am ready to sleep. We'll talk tomorrow thanks for being there. Good night


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Will you be seeing your kids when they get back from NYC?


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

OK, Bill. I'm in Montana, by the way. Good night -- we'll talk tomorrow.


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

bcc said:


> My first name is Bill the others are my middle and last name intial


hi bill, my name is andy, i live in the sierra mountains by yosemite, yes california has mountains lol, truly a pleasure to meet you, my avatar picture of me & my youngest, he is six, i also have 18,17,15,14 yr olds, 2 girls & 3 boys. if you ever vaction with the kids to yosemite let me know & i'll be your tour guide, i think everybody should see gods beauty of yosemite at least once in there life


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

OVS, one thing I'm finding interesting on here, is how at some point or another almost every regular commenter here has given out invitations for others to come visit, we all seem to want to welcome people into our lives, yet we rarely ever take up those invitations... I guess time is just too precious and other priorities always come up first...


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Hi Bill, how are you coping today?

It is end of my workday and some coworkers are going out to try a new Ale house that recently opened - if you lived here I'd be buying you a beer, to drown your sorrows! (don't go too hard on the bottle though, that can just make things worse).

Hope you are doing better, if you get the chance find something to do with a friend....


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Hey Bill,

How are you doing today?


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

Hi all, thanks Andy, that sounds good. Havent talk with wife in two days now, she went to NYC with sister and kids, you know they never stopped by to seem me before they left,no call ,no nothing. I dont know what game she playing, if I had a girlfriend I would have just told her and try to remane friends. My wife is afraid to face me. I have done a complete 180, im not calling her or nothin. She thinks she's 18 again the freak. when we were texting sometime back she would act nice, then angry, then one time I started telling her how much I loved her and she suddenly became concerned about me, when I asked her last week if she was seeing someone she said yes and said she was keeping her options open??? what the hell does that mean?? So today I definately confirmed she seeing someone now im pissed and I would like her to jump off a bridge to her death, i hate her, all the lies through the years, and now cheating. Four years ago she forged my name to 2 40,000 loans, ruined my bisness, started taking money again, I told her about 2 months ago that I really didnt think she was a good person at heart for what she had done to me.


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

Hi drerio,Im ok ,very angry, I keep thinking about who this guy she's with and want to see this homewrecker, and then Im getting thoughts of finding a voodoo priest to curse the rest of my wifes life, i hate her


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

bcc said:


> Hi drerio,Im ok ,very angry, I keep thinking about who this guy she's with and want to see this homewrecker, and then Im getting thoughts of finding a voodoo priest to curse the rest of my wifes life, i hate her


Hey Bill,

Will try to keep it simple... I am on some pain meds right now, so pardon if my spelling is crappy. 

Getting angry is Ok... better than the state you were in earlier. Remember, it is fine to have thoughts, but you know not to act out on them. 

So sorry she jsut took of with the kids and said nothing. Very soon your kids will recognize who the grown up is...


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Bill, go dark on her, she is not worthy of your love (she doesn't want it). I found that this helped me move forward:

Betrayed Spouse Bill of Rights « betrayed but recovering

But don't go dark on your kids, call them every day, even if you don't want to talk to her, demand to talk to your kids.


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

Nice Lon,I like that its accurate. I just spent the last 2 hours talking to a friend on all the negative qualities of my wife, dont know if that is healthy but I dont care. You know I have to admit to everyone now that I actually fell out of love with my wife after the last financial infidelity,last month. We had not been intimate for a year because I could not be intimate with someone who lies to me. I may have actually caused her to seek elsewhere, and then I turned all the emotional pain of her leaving on myself so the question is Did I really love her or did I love the idea of her.


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

Lon said:


> OVS, one thing I'm finding interesting on here, is how at some point or another almost every regular commenter here has given out invitations for others to come visit, we all seem to want to welcome people into our lives, yet we rarely ever take up those invitations... I guess time is just too precious and other priorities always come up first...


i'd love to meet every one face to face, i know if i vacation across the states & i'll def stop & shake a few hands & buy a few rounds. that's me though. i'm a people person(Libra


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

hey bill, just checking you brother, nice to see you getting stronger. it's loud & clear in your posts. sweet !!!!!


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Bill- You asked the $1,000,000 question we all ask ourselves. I think in a lot of cases, it starts as loving the person, then as they change - or as we see the real them - we keep holding onto & loving that idea. We just don't want to let it go. The reality of it can be a cold slap in the face, can't it?
Anyway, it's so good to hear the change in your 'voice.' I hope you continue to feel a little stronger each day.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

Yes angel, we were in our comfort zone. When you move beyond that zone its a sudden shock even though It may be the right way to go. My wife has no insight unto herself, no family, just her and a couple of friends, she will crash and burn, shes a child inside. Today I opened a new business account. She will not be able to touch it.Should I let her into my place of business or tell her to stay away, because I was still letting her do deposits or should I start to detach??????


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

Andy,good to see ya, are you still living in your shop.??


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

bcc said:


> Andy,good to see ya, are you still living in your shop.??


yeah six months here now, at least i had this thank god. good to see you bill.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I think I'd start to detach, especially if you don't own it together. She can't live a dual life, changing some things & keeping others the same. She gave up options like that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

Ok Angel, I think your right. Its time to let the tide go out on her.


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

Andy, what kind of shop is it??


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

bcc said:


> Andy, what kind of shop is it??


i own an auto repair shop, we specialize in Subaru's but also do all makes & models, my shop is 6200 sq ft with a lage room upstairs which i made into an apt, i have no stove so cook on my bbq & a hot plate. shower in my rv thats parked here, i've been here 6 mos waiting like a fool, my chapter has came to a close permanetly now so hopefully next month i'll be able to afford an apt


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

what do you own bill


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

Auto repair shop!!!! same deal, Today is a bad day I feel like it just happened yesterday.I feel I just went backwards 3 weeks, I really dont feel like living anyomore


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

It's totally normal to feel better one day and totally worse the next. But you've made some important discoveries these last few days about your feelings for your wife. Use those feelings to propel you forward to a better life without all of her lying and stealing from you -- a better life than what you've had. Think about how much less stress you'll have, not worrying if she'll take down your shop somehow.
Do you specialize in a particular make like Andy does?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

Hi Bill....I'm sorry to hear that things are starting out rough for you today...but, like angel said, this is to be expected. Just remember that these bad days will eventually become fewer and fewer.
Auto mechanic? It is so hard to find a good and trustworthy mechanic. Wish I lived closer....if would be nice to know a good mechanic.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Hey Bill

Are you getting rest? A bit concerned about you from your recent post.


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

no havent been sleeping, well,now im thinking about all the bad things she probably saying to her boyfriend about me , and he supporting her. and I look like the bad guy ,the loser.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

My good man: You are far from being the loser here ~ it appears that you, along with those precious kids of yours, are much rather the victims.

And given time, that sorry excuse of a W will come to fully realize that, when you perservere in this matter! We're all behind you, Bill!


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I know, Bill, it's a hard hit to your pride. Nobody wants to be talked about badly. That's when you have to turn it on them. Do you want to be 'liked' by people like that? They're two losers -- he's cheating with a married woman, and she's a cheater. Let them talk. You just be a good man. Hold your head up, and don't let what they're saying make you feel bad. Just think what could be said about her.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Here is the thing Bill, you are a hero to your children. So no matter what she says to POSOM, you Bill are a hero to your children and don't forget that.


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

bcc said:


> no havent been sleeping, well,now im thinking about all the bad things she probably saying to her boyfriend about me , and he supporting her. and I look like the bad guy ,the loser.


don't get upset over what you "think" is going on. You have no idea. If you are going to use your imagination, use it for good.


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

Hello folks, How everyone doing? Had a bad start to today because I keep having those dreams. They come and go. My emotions are like a rollercoaster. I havent seen or heard from my wife or kids in 4 full days. The went to NYC but no F******g call or anything. Things are going to change big time. There is so much time distance now from my kids. My wife is a freak, think she have decency to communicate in some way at least. It wasnt more than a month ago we were a family, now total alienation. WTF


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

Im really beginning to believe my wife has a serious mental disorder, or personality disorder, I know she was already a headcase but this is really frightening. Sociopathy???


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

I have to stop and mention here that all of you have been so kind and supportive here. I honestly cant believe Im still alive and I attribute that to you. there have been 3 major explosions in my life, my father died when I was 14, losing my first business(due to wife) and now the ending of my marriage. I didnt think I could survive through this and I believe I am because of all you. It's still not over but you are the water beneath my ship.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

bcc said:


> I have to stop and mention here that all of you have been so kind and supportive here. I honestly cant believe Im still alive and I attribute that to you. there have been 3 major explosions in my life, my father died when I was 14, losing my first business(due to wife) and now the ending of my marriage. I didnt think I could survive through this and I believe I am because of all you. It's still not over but you are the water beneath my ship.


bcc: Please give the bulk of your thanks to our Heavenly Father! After all, while we may well have given you the encouragement that you so needed, by comparison, we're merely instruments in His hands!


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

so were car guy's awesome !!!!! i specialize in subaru's but we work on everything here, i have been a master tech for the last 28 yrs. do you specialize bill or general repair?


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

i don't know if you've read my thread but here is my story summed up, wife had a brain injury/damage last june, brain surgery last sept, asked me to move out in apr, moved a man into my house 4 weeks into separation after playing with my brain for the first 3. i paid every single bill there was inc giving her money to support him watching my tv & living in the house i'm paying for. no more for me, NO MORE!!!!!!!


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

Andy, I pretty much work on anything ,have 4 guys working for me. Master tech for 17 yrs. How long ago was your separation??


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

Andy, did she completely change after her brain injury??


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Hi Bill, if your still afloat it's because you have been doing the bailing (that desperation can kinda feel the same can't it, like you don't think you can keep up nor even konw why you'd want to). But you have done a lot of work so far to make it and hopefully you are seeing that apart from a few holes you will need to fix your vessel still holds water and can be made to be seaworthy.

ok stupid metaphor I know, but my brain has been seeing everything in metaphors today. I'm weird that way I guess.

I found some personality disorders that described my W pretty well too... HPD was the one that came to mind the most (Histrionics: attention seeking, seductive and very exagerating with her flirting behaviors - but I wasn't around to see most of it, though I did see a lot of pics with her young group of friends that would confirm it was a possibility for her)

I think part of it is just the rush of endorphines they get from their illicit behavior and the fog it creates. (look up "the Fog" on here, very common when there is infidelity).

Did you ever find any evidence, or get any kind of confessions from her that there was infidelity? If not don't go looking for it yet, wait until you got the leaks in your boat fixed - I know when I found the evidence it really cut deep, though for me my crisis didn't start until that point.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I'm curious, Bill -- you said she had taken a lot of loans out before. Does she have a gambling or drug problem?


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

She completly changed, went off the charts, 6 mos & now divorcing


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

I asked her outright if she was seeing someone and she said she was, that he worked with her. I knew our love was dying, we hadnt been intimate in a year, after I found out she was sneaking into the safe somehow, I really didnt want to touch her, she had lied to me so many times. I still dont think I ever forgave her for wrecking my other business. As bad as things were we still were a family, and we still had fun together, for her to just find someone else and brush me away is devastating, there was never a gambling problem but she did have a shopping problem. Whats ironic is I thought I would leave her first, yet when she left I crashed and burned, why is that, I dont understand myself????


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## old pilot (Oct 9, 2012)

Better think about it. Once you check out you can't check back in.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Exact same thing with me. I was really unhappy with my STBXH for years and knew we were drifting apart. But i chalked it up to health problems, stress, etc., and always deep-down thought things would get better. but there were plenty of times i thought i couldn't take it anymore and thought about leaving. still, when he left me, i really fell apart. i thought my life was over. i begged him to work on our marriage. I think part of it is the inhealthy relationship- often the couple has a co-dependent relationship. Also, you're dealing with the realization that your life is about to change in a huge way, and a natural fear comes up and kind of makes us temporarily forget just how miserable we were. 
This time in your life is a brand new beginning, Bill. Many of us have felt the same things you do now. If you take this time as a second chance at life, you can learn from your past. You'd be surprised at what you learn about yourself and how much better and stronger you'll feel. What you're going through now will just seem like a bad dream.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

sorry about the misspellings & typos 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

bcc said:


> I have to stop and mention here that all of you have been so kind and supportive here. I honestly cant believe Im still alive and I attribute that to you. there have been 3 major explosions in my life, my father died when I was 14, losing my first business(due to wife) and now the ending of my marriage. I didnt think I could survive through this and I believe I am because of all you. It's still not over but you are the water beneath my ship.


2 of your major explosions were caused by the same person. I think you will truly be better off when you find someone. But you should contact your kids I think. If you called, would she let you talk to them?


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## regretfulwife (Oct 21, 2012)

i know how you feel. My husband hasnt spoken to me for a month now and says he wants a divorce. I cry every day and want him back and keep thinking if he doesnt want me back or want to talk to me soon i dont know how much more i can take. 
But then i look at my 4 daughters and think how awful to grow up knowing your mum killed herself.......
Honestly, that is all that is keeping me here and i really hope you start thinking the same xx


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

bcc said:


> Hi all, thanks Andy, that sounds good. Havent talk with wife in two days now, she went to NYC with sister and kids, you know they never stopped by to seem me before they left,no call ,no nothing. I dont know what game she playing, if I had a girlfriend I would have just told her and try to remane friends. My wife is afraid to face me. I have done a complete 180, im not calling her or nothin. She thinks she's 18 again the freak. when we were texting sometime back she would act nice, then angry, then one time I started telling her how much I loved her and she suddenly became concerned about me, when I asked her last week if she was seeing someone she said yes and said she was keeping her options open??? what the hell does that mean?? So today I definately confirmed she seeing someone now im pissed and I would like her to jump off a bridge to her death, i hate her, all the lies through the years, and now cheating. Four years ago she forged my name to 2 40,000 loans, ruined my bisness, started taking money again, I told her about 2 months ago that I really didnt think she was a good person at heart for what she had done to me.



You should have got her arrested. What was she doing with the money?


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

Morning guy's i just woke up and feel really bad. Today Isnt going to be a good day I fear its going to be a bad day, I want to just disappear


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

DO you live in an area where it is safe to just get out for a walk?


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

Yes,I do. seems like all the pain is returning I keep thinking and thinking how my life just fell apart. How at one time I did love my wife and how its all gone, 5 days without word from her or kids. We were all supposed to go to NY together and now Im alone and she's got her other man. My kids , dont know if it worth is really dont


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Have you tried calling them? Don't wait for her to call you. Establish yourself as a strong dad who won't take any sh!t from her where your kids are concerned. It will make you feel good to stand up against her. 
If you're right and she does have a mental disorder of some kind, that's even more reason you can't leave your kids behind. Imagine having only one parent, and that parent is really crazy! I'm sure you don't want that for your little ones. She did a lot to f up your life, Bill, but don't let her do it to them.


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

I dont know angelpxi, I just think maybe Im better off vanishing or dying. I have no home, no companion,no stability in my life. Feel really bad today. Had those dreams again last night.


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

Maybe today will be the day, so depressed


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Bill: Call those kids as often as you like and when you know that they are definitely going to be at home. And if she refuses to let you visit with them via telephone, then just keep a log of that, as that, in and of itself, can be introduced in court as evidence in any child custody hearing.

I furthermore like the idea about the missing funds from your business safe. It matters not that she might have been married to you, it still does not give a free pass for taking money from it. In Texas, they call that "criminal theft," which is potentially punishable by prison and/or jail time. I'm sure that it's pretty much the same for the Commonwealth. All that you'll really need to do is to establish when the money was in there; when it went missing; and that she had access to it, along with any physical documentation.

Get out and take a brisk walk. Or take a drive to the country or to the beach and do some walking and thinking there!


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

It takes time to reestablish that, Bill, but where you're at now isn't where you're always going to stay. From now on, what you make in your business is going to be for yourself and your kids only. You won't have to worry about her stealing it from you. 

It's so hard to see things this way now, I know. I lived in our family home when my STBXH first wanted to split. I tried to make our home (and me) what he'd want to come back to. I fought desperately for that. Did all the things they tell you on here NOT to do, lol. Finally, I'd had enough. I moved out. Thought that was our first home and I'd done a lot in it to make it look like it did, I couldn't live there anymore. The more I thought about making that decision, I realized how much better I was going to feel WITHOUT him. It was really hard to believe how much I changed. The place I live in now is a crappy little rental house, but for now, it's mine. My son has a room that's nowhere near as nice as the one he has at the other house, but we are closer. Amazingly, he thinks of this little place as 'home' and the only house he remembers as 'Dad's house'. 
You can have that, too, Bill. It's all about a change of mind set. This is not what you'd planned, but you weren't really happy before, remember? You didn't really have a companion before -- you didn't trust her and that's vital in a relationship. Won't it feel better to not worry about whether or not she'll steal from you? You and your kids can truly start over. Find yourself a place and make it your own. 

This is temporary. You've already been through so much. You can do this. Every little or big thing you go through can make you stronger. You can create your stability. There are tons of stories of that on TAM. Take some deep breaths and really think about the bad things you'll be leaving behind when you are not with her anymore.


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

bcc said:


> Today Isnt going to be a good day I fear its going to be a bad day, I want to just disappear


saying that pretty much guarantees today will be a crappy day.


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

I know, I thought I was making progress but reality sets in and I feel dead, so much time wasted for nothing, so much hard work for nothing.


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

What is the point honestly, my dream is gone, home, family, two cats in the yard. I cant keep living here. I cant keep living. Im already drinking at 10am (I dont drink)


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

I want to buy this boat to live on, and I keep picking up the phone to call the guy, then I dont because I just dont want to live


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

Okay, I just have to ask......

If you did end it, how would you do it?


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

Hang


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

I never entertained that option. Too much pain and it might not work.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

bcc said:


> I want to buy this boat to live on, and I keep picking up the phone to call the guy, then I dont because I just dont want to live


Before any of us ever get better, we have to make a journey that we absolutely don't want to make which is down into the valley of our despair. That's where your at now, Bill. 

That chasm is not a place of envy. But it is a necessary destination in starting a new life for you and those three wonderful children of yours. We have all either gone through it or are still going through it. But you have hooked up with the voices of experience here at TAM, the voices that know that journey you're currently on all too well.

If you think there's a scintilla of hope that those kids will come under your keep, then stay in that house or look for another similar one. If not, then that dream of residing on a boat might not be such a bad idea. In any event, formulate and pursue your dream as a plan of action!

For as long as you're on this emotional rollercoaster however, you have the friends and the TAM resources to overcome it. After all, Bill, we are all survivors here. And you, Sir, are no exception to that rule.

Our Heavenly Father will always continue to have your back, and so will your many friends here at TAM. Just continue to place your faith and trust in us, just as we do with you!


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Call the guy and get the boat, Bill. See, you do have other dreams. You can still get your boat. You can share that with your kids. You still have your business, and now it's just yours. No more worries.

I know these tricks your mind is playing. It's happened to all of us, it seems. We all come here wondering how our lives could fall apart when we were so happy, right? But just like the rest of us, you realized that there was a lot there in your life that was pretty f'ed up. You really don't want that anymore. But it is scary to leave behind the things you know -- even if it sucks. It's a crazy pattern we get into. But patterns can be broken, Bill

Call the guy and get the boat. Let it be the first step of breaking out of that bad life, and moving into a better one. Remember how UNhappy you were with her. Move away from the one you don't trust, the one who treated you so badly, and keep the good people with you -- your children.


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

Im praying,But I dont know what God's plan is but it hurts right now


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Of course it hurts. It really, really sucks. But it's temporary. Have you thought that maybe the reason you keep picking up the phone to call the boat guy is that Someone's wanting you to? Just a thought. I really don't think God wants you to throw away your life. That would be wrong -- your life is a gift. So are your children. I keep looking at that photo of you with your little guy. You're getting another chance, Bill.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

bcc said:


> Im praying,But I dont know what God's plan is but it hurts right now


I can assuredly tell you that God's plan for Bill is to stay right there for those children that He so lovingly gave you and to serve as their father, mentor, and voice.

Just as He came to bless you and charge you with their presence and keep, in the mere performance of His plan for them, in His eyes, you will come to glorify His kingdom even beyond measure!


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I'm wrapping birthday presents for my son right now. He turns 10 tomorrow. Ten years ago, this is not what his dad and I had planned for him. But he is a wonderful kid. I was thinking about you and Cole. What will he be like when he's 10? Will he be into Lego's like my son is? Riding his bike all over the neighborhood? Starting band and playing squawky notes the neighbors can hear through closed windows, lol? Those are the things you don't want to miss. By then, your oldest will be ready to drive. You'd be the natural guy to show her how to take care of her car; how to be a strong woman who can do things for herself. Kids need their dad, Bill. You have a lot to share with them.


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

Hey Bill....

I have been thinking a lot about you lately. I am so sorry to read today's postings. Truly. Gosh....I know this pain is so, so, so, so horrible. I used to think that the heartbreak on the weekends was the worst. 

You must know, though, that this is temporary. You must know it. Just keep repeating that to yourself..this is temporary. The pain and the anguish must be felt in order to move on and flourish in the future. ....and you do have the ability to flourish. 

It is strange. Maybe because you have been on my mind so much...but, last night I had a dream. In my dream I was vanishing. (...sort of like how Michael J. Fox was vanishing in "Back to the Future"..). I was slowly ceasing to exist. There was a time when I would have welcomed that. But, during this dream I was fighting and frantic. I did not want to vanish. I was so afraid that my ex and his tart would end up raising my son. I did not want that for my son. My ex has mental issues and is just not a good man. I felt this tremendous urge to fight for my son's future. 

Gosh!...I was so thankful to wake up. To have control over my life again. 

You have to fight through this, Bill. Call someone...or distract yourself by going to a movie or a walk or something...but, you have to find a way to fight through this for your kids. Fight for Cole's future.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Bill,

Sorry I have not been around much... you know I meant it the other day when I told you, you will always be Syndey, Bailey and Cole's hero. I don't care what your wife says about you, your kids see someone different and they always will. You cannot entertain thoughts that would destroy the hero that you are. It may feel painful and hard, but look around at what you built and hold your head up. Bill, you are important to those kids. Really you are.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Bill:
I don't know if this song and quote will speak to you, but it has always helped me in the dark times of my life:

Jars Of Clay - Faith Enough - YouTube

The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.
Ernest Hemingway

I know, ironic to use a quote from a guy who committed suicide. But wisdom can come from anywhere.

The broken places are where the light comes in. If you listen quietly, your pain will speak to you. It will show you what you have to change in your life. It will teach you true humility and give you the courage to continue. It will show you that you have had a false image of the world because you are looking at it through your limited expectations. 

Be willing to sit with your pain. Do not push it away. Embrace it. It is a part of you. When you accept that life is not what you thought it would be, you will laugh at yourself and relax. You no longer have to be perfect! You will release your false programs for happiness. Life is mysterious, beautiful, and sublime. You belong here. You are sufficient.


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

Oh my God im having such a bad day, cant stop crying there is no hope things seem to be getting darker, nothings changing. Im so detached now from my family, Ive never been without them for so long, Im so lonely, I swear there is no way out of this no way, I cant even face the kids now, Ill fall apart. this is not getting better. I dont know what to do


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Make a connection with your kids. Pull yourself together and call them. They are probably wondering why they haven't heard from you, so give them a call. You have the power to stop this spiral, Bill. Use it. 
Go take a walk to clear your head. Go get a cup of coffee somewhere. Change your surroundings. When you've calmed down, call your kids.


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

angelpxi , I cant call them, I cant see them now Its been too long it seems like it was a dream I had, that I had a normal life. Its so far away now. Ive got to do something drastic soon, I cant do this much longer.


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

Please, Bill. Follow angel's advice. Just try it. Put in foot forward and leave your surroundings. Go grab a cup of coffee. Try it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Get out of your head and do something physical. Anything to change the trajectory of your thoughts.


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

Guys Im just not going to make it here Im falling fast. Im not going to the hospital, I cant be locked up with these feelings. there will never be anyone else for me. I will take my life so that my kids will think it was an accident so they do not suffer. Im feeling really bad


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

nobody's going to lock you up, bill. call911 Let somebody help you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

You don't know that there willbe nobody for you - she has been bad for you. you can find someone you can trudst & who will deserve your love. but please call your kids. it hasn't been too long- only a couple of days. please giveit a chance before you take a step you can't undo.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Are you still taking the meds you got the other day? 

Give yourself a chance to call about the boat tomorrow. If you're in your shop now, walk outside. think about where you'll dock your boat, where you can go on it. You can change what you're thinking. You were able to yesterday and earlier today.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

you need to call someone bill. let the professionals do their job let a professional help you
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rosemary's Granddaughter (Aug 25, 2012)

Bill, calling your children could be exactly what pulls you out of this. You can do it--call them. <3


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

And Bill, let yourself cry man, that is a real important part of grieving - in fact I've heard it said before that shedding tears actually helps remove some of the hormones/transmitters/whatever that cause the sadness. I cried for nearly a month straight, and I don't really have any shame about it at all. In fact I've gotten so much better at crying without having all the full body convulsions, (I'm not sure I should be bragging too much though).


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Bill

Are you taking your meds? It's ok to cry, just stay with us here. You have done it before.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

drerio said:


> Bill
> 
> Are you taking your meds? It's ok to cry, just stay with us here. You have done it before.



I'm with drerio, Bill! And you can count on all of us being here and waiting on you. If we absolutely didn't care a single thing about you and have so much empathy and love in our hearts for both you and your wonderful kids, we wouldn't be here.

It may not seem like it, my man, but you are loved and your TAM brothers and sisters who care so much for you bear witness to that undisputable fact!


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

i pm'd you my friend, come on buddy we both have a shop to run tomorrow, crew counting on our expertise & their paychecks, i have 3 employee's working for me, i decided to save a payroll & do all diagnostics my self. think about this bud, get an old pos huge ass car & build a crash up derby car for your fair, i'm doing 2 this year, one for me to drive & one for my oldest daughter to drive in powder puff. look at everything that your great at, focus on all of that. please trust me my friend, just give everything some time to let the dust settle, READ my story bro, were not that different at all in our stories & my pain/hurt & confusion is right there along with the correct advise for my healing. some very tough love but very needed. we have a lot we can talk about bill, just be my friend


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Bill 

Where are you man... We've been through this... We are here for you


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## ImperfectMomma (May 2, 2012)

Bill, I have a boat. It's a 31 foot Bayliner. It has a full cabin, bedroom, bathroom, little kitchen, bed in the bow, kitchen table turns into another bed. We always used it to sleep on when we went to the lake instead of camping. I love that boat. It was a piece of crap when we got it and way too big for a first boat (we put it in and out of the water everytime we went) but I wanted something our kids could take a nap on and get out of the sun. The boat is one of the best investments we ever made....not monetary but for family time. My kids LOVE the lake and the memories we make. It stays docked now so it's a lot easier. Can you imagine the times with your kids jumping off the bow of the boat and swimming like they have fins because it's second nature to them? They'd have water guns and shoot each other and you with them while laughing hysterically. These memories with you will be some of the best in their lives. Don't take them from them. Call that guy.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

We know you're feeling really dark right now, Bill, but don't give up. This will get better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

Bill...it is Sunday. You have almost made it through the weekend. Just a little bit longer. 

Don't give up.


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

A friend of mine has emailed The Samartians off and on throughout her life. She struggles with depression.

Bill...send them an email. Often emails are easier than making phonecalls.

What happens when I email? | Samaritans


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

I tried calling some friends but I still dont feel better. My life is over , now I need to focus on carrying through with it, my ending , I cant take this pain anymore.


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## fertileground (Sep 22, 2012)

What you need to do is get help. My father is a minister, and he always says, "This too shall pass". You just need to give it time--it will get better, and you will come out of it stronger and wiser! Please call the suicide hotline, and if you can't do that- call your minister or a friend to come over and be with you. You should not be alone.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Bill: If you follow through, then you will not only have let your three precious children down, but your family, friends, business associates and clients, as well as your many friends here at TAM. We want what is best for you and that immeasurably is to be here for the kids.

Our Heavenly Father gave his only Son so that we might live, prosper, and worship Him; and in so doing, to glorify His kingdom. He needs you here for Cole and his sisters.

As I said earlier, The Lord Our Father will not put any more pain on your narrow shoulders than you can bear. Take Him at his word. Take us at our word that we are the true survivors who are earnestly working at making you one of us. Do not entertain thoughts of ending it, alcohol, drugs, or anything of a negative connotation~ think only of those three wonderful kids of yours and their ultimate welfare. 

We love you, brother~ please give us the chance to let us prove it!


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Your life isn't over, Bill. A bad chapter of your life is over. And that's a good thing. Now you can concentrate on your kids and on your business and on getting that boat you want. It's a win/win/win. 

You deserve better than having someone you can't trust. Let her go, and tell her good riddance. You don't have to deal with her crazy anymore. 

Fight for your kids and give them that kind of stability, too. Otherwise, you're leaving them with nobody but her, and that's not fair at all. They didn't ask for this. 

Fight back!! 

Are you still taking your meds? If not, please take them. You were feeling better earlier. 

And talk to us here.


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## jpr (Dec 14, 2011)

Hey Bill...

please talk to us. We all care about. ...and we know that you can make it through this. This time is temporary. Give the medication time to work...and give yourself time to sort things out in your own brain. Don't make a decision tonight. Just hold on for another morning. Please. 

We all are eager to hear from you...and we ALL care about you. We are all feeling your pain with you. You are not alone. 

Please continue to talk to us.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Lon said:


> yeah, your mind is racing through all kinds of nasty stuff right now.
> 
> best thing sometimes is to just breathe, close your eyes and think of one thing...
> 
> ...


this :iagree:


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Bill,

Do you know what it takes to make a Samurai sword, the sharpest sword every made? It takes intense heat and pounding. Folding and stretching. Over and over. You are being molded into something much better than you are right now. If you stick with it and work through the pain, you will be that samurai sword, sharper and better than the piece of metal that started in the first place. 

I am not going to say you will not continue to feel lonely and pain (although you have friends here to help you with both of those), but I am saying at the other end of it you will be better than when you started.


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## how was your day? (Oct 10, 2012)

thinkin about you bcc, came in to check on you, i told my therapist that i was on the internet talking with people in similiar situations, and how i felt that trying to help you get through your pain was helping me, we can make it through this man


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

Hello all, i am returning from the war. I fought my way through the intense pain for today, will see what happens tomorrow, How much can the mind take, its ravaging my health. Michael,I like the samurai sword comparison, right now im in the fire.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

So good to see you here, Bill. Thanks for checking in.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

bcc said:


> Hello all, i am returning from the war. I fought my way through the intense pain for today, will see what happens tomorrow, How much can the mind take, its ravaging my health. Michael,I like the samurai sword comparison, right now im in the fire.


And, the amount of fire you are in Bill, is going to make you stronger, just like that sword. Not only is it the sharpest but it is one of the strongest. You will be that sword to your children. 

It is painful, but the pain will pass and you will be samurai.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Bill

You are probably busy working... Just let us know how you are doing when you can.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Hi, Bill - just checking in with you to see how you're doing tonight.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Hey Bill

Haven't heard from you in a while. A little concerned. You Ok?


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Me too, Bill. Are you OK?


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

hey bill, hows business at the shop, we have some good work in but the weather here is miserable outside, make our phones not ring, majority of our clientele are older folks, when it rains or snows they do not go any where at all, hope you guys are staying steady, always here if you need me brother


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

OVS, it's a good day where I live, to be in the autobody business (ie, I wish I were an autobody guy on snow days)

slick as oil out there.


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

Lon said:


> OVS, it's a good day where I live, to be in the autobody business (ie, I wish I were an autobody guy on snow days)
> 
> slick as oil out there.


what part of canada are you from lon, i've lived from northern to southern bc, brutal winters in the north, now i live @ 5000 ft in the sierra mountains in central calif, 35 miles as a bird flys from yosemite national park, reminds me of home, snow got as low as 4k today, pretty messy outside


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

our vision shattered said:


> what part of canada are you from lon, i've lived from northern to southern bc, brutal winters in the north, now i live @ 5000 ft in the sierra mountains in central calif, 35 miles as a bird flys from yosemite national park, reminds me of home, snow got as low as 4k today, pretty messy outside


lol, at the smily behind the word messy.

Now I live in SK, moved here from Vancouver in '99, was born in MB moved to BC a couple times in childhood, for good when I was 12, grew up on the Island, my folks are back there after a stint in the Okanagan. I'm not looking forward to winter, too damn cold.


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

Lon said:


> lol, at the smily behind the word messy.
> 
> Now I live in SK, moved here from Vancouver in '99, was born in MB moved to BC a couple times in childhood, for good when I was 12, grew up on the Island, my folks are back there after a stint in the Okanagan. I'm not looking forward to winter, too damn cold.


i lived in salmon arm & vernon, love the okanagon,


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

yeah it's a pretty beautiful place, when I lived there I really took nature for granted, if I lived in the mountains again I'd really try to utilize the outdoors more - the prairies are ok too, and the sunshine, brightness, and spectacular weather and skies here are incredible, but it's so far between interesting places.


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

Hi Guys, well I maybe entering another stage of this ordeal. My wife got back from NYC and I spoke with kids. My wife looks very unhappy and is smoking like a chimney, I have her car to fix it and its a disaster, stinks, dirty and she always kept it perfect. She works at a salon next to my shop and I see her almost everyday but we hardly talk at all, she is so standoffish. She seems to have a huge wall but we dont even talk about the kids or anything. It's like she's mad at me but she the one who wanted the seperation. She doesnt bring up anything, what where going to do, how much does she need, nothing. She heard my deal on the boat didnt go through and she was curious about that?? (She knows I am going to live on it). Her behavior is so strange. Any Ideas on what direction to take this??? PS, she never could talk even when we were together so now it's even worse. Any ideas???


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Why are you fixing her car?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

UpnOver said:


> Why are you fixing her car?


Bill, I assume you are charging her the normal shop rate?


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

It could be that she's angry about where her life is going, and she has to project that anger onto you. Maybe things went sour with the posOM? 

And I agree with Up -- why are you fixing her car? Is it so that it's safe for the kids to be in? Otherwise, let her take care of it herself. If she wants independence, give it to her.

And what happened with the boat? Any other chances of getting one?

Sorry, Bill -- you wanted ideas, and all we have are more questions, lol. 

As long as you are able to have contact with the kids as much as you want, I would not pursue talking with her right now. She is still trouble for you, and in this angry state, she's not going to be any better. Keep working on getting yourself a boat and seeing the kids. Don't let her drama suck you in. It will be hard if you still have feelings for her, but don't do it.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

I think you need to start moving forward and look into child custody laws in your state. If she is not stable this would not be good for your babies. Start some ground work Bill. You need to start to be that sharp and strong Samurai sword.


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

angel, yes Im looking for another boat, the seller was elusive and I didnt trust him. I need to move, cant take it here in my shop. I think my wife has gotten in deep (by the way my family is large and everyone talks to each other and my wife family is her mother and stepsister, thats it, so I think she might be very embarrassed )and is finding out the grass isnt greener or something. Only the future will tell. Her behavior is so erratic, it doesnt add up. Im worried about the kids


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

bill that was the real hard one for me, it took everything i had in me, had to muster every ounce of the force to tell her it's no longer my responsibility to work on her cars. it snowed here today, told her months ago the heater core was fried, of coourse this morning she's asking if i will do the heater core on a 98 expedition, book is 8.3 !!!!! as you know thats dash out. told her no i wasn't doing that, that i've done too much as it is, she wasn't happy, it didn't bother me this time, you have to act the same as her, have to FAKE it to MAKE it, laugh with your crew, talk to the customers(regulars) act like this isn't getting to you, trust me she's watching you just don't know it, remember who you were before her, strong confident intelligent technician, you just do not open a shop if you don't know what your doing right. be that man NOW!!!!!! you have to bill, you just have too.

as it turns out i'm doing that same job on a 99 expedition on thursday, partial donation to a down on their luck older couple, i'm scoring a baja bug out of it so i'm stoked. i seriously am hoarding cars right now, putting my 89 bmw convertable back together now, some coastal drives top down just me,myself & i


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

HAha Ive done those heater cores Andy, It's quicker to change an engine than some of those heater cores. My shop is out of control, I must have 50 cars here. This job for my wife is an insurance job so I get the whole check!!


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

Do you think I shouldnt be trying to understand what my wife is thinking??


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Don't waste your time on it, Bill. You've got enough on your plate with your kids and your business, finding a place to live, etc. If she does have a mental health issue, it's going to be almost impossible to figure it out anyway -- and to know how to respond. I'm speaking from personal experience here.


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

bcc said:


> Do you think I shouldnt be trying to understand what my wife is thinking??


absolutely not!!!!!! she is own her own roller coaster & in her own fog right now, complete detachment will spin her head in circles. i hate living here at my shop too, i never leave 24/7, driving me nuts though, it'll be next month before i can get my own place, i actually have a good looking place above my shop but i need separation from work,


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

I want to thank all of you for saving my life on Sunday, you did.


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

bcc said:


> HAha Ive done those heater cores Andy, It's quicker to change an engine than some of those heater cores. My shop is out of control, I must have 50 cars here. This job for my wife is an insurance job so I get the whole check!!


nice to hear the shop is slammin !!!! i've got some difficult diags to get through tomorrow, take the good with the bad


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

Andy, its funny how we have the same situation going on, youve been good friend, Im actually sleeping in my office!!


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

We just care, Bill. We've been there in some shape or form, and we get it.


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

bcc said:


> I want to thank all of you for saving my life on Sunday, you did.


someday i may need you, thats why we gather here every night, be real about our situations & have each others backs, crazy for a bunch of strangers but we all get to know each other pretty good on here, i like that. this site & several of my supporters have saved my life several times & don't even know it, i've always got your back here


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

bcc said:


> Andy, its funny how we have the same situation going on, youve been good friend, Im actually sleeping in my office!!


i did that for a bit, i have a dealer ship quality waiting room,(thats my background before this) plush couches, antiques, big screen with dish, did that for a bit but then pimped out my upstairs, just got a new king supreme soft serta sleeper today, hilton quality. ahhhhh hoping for real sleep tonight


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

Angel, Michael ,Jlr and Lon you truly are amazing individuals, sticking it out with me thank you


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I'm going to say good-night to you guys. I have to get up early and drive my STBXH to the airport and get my son for two straight weeks. He's spending tonight with his dad. STBXH is flying to Europe to visit his posOW for two weeks. So, yeah, I understand.


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

good night ap


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

angelpixie said:


> I'm going to say good-night to you guys. I have to get up early and drive my STBXH to the airport and get my son for two straight weeks. He's spending tonight with his dad. STBXH is flying to Europe to visit his posOW for two weeks. So, yeah, I understand.


AP you should tamper with his luggage, put a stink bomb in there or something  maybe some fishbones...

jk, don't really.


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

Hi Guys, feeling kinda down, saw my wife today again. She asked me if I wanted a coffee and brought me one. We dont talk about anything she just is short and sweet with me. I do the same. She seemed ok today. How could this not be bothering her. Its killing me. I dont know what to do, I really am beginning to know that we dont belong together because I cannot trust her and never will. She has damaged our marriage from the beginning but I still love her what is wrong with me???


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

What you're feeling is normal, Bill, even when you've been hurt so badly. You've still got a bond with her, even though it's not a healthy one. Feelings don't end overnight. What a lot of us discover is that our spouses began detaching from us before they ever told us. They got a head start. Once they leave, we're just starting that detachment from square one. 
Even though things have been bad, you stillhave an attachment. So it's going to take time for you to catch up to where she's at.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 36Separated (Aug 5, 2012)

angelpixie said:


> What you're feeling is normal, Bill, even when you've been hurt so badly. You've still got a bond with her, even though it's not a healthy one. Feelings don't end overnight. What a lot of us discover is that our spouses began detaching from us before they ever told us. They got a head start. Once they leave, we're just starting that detachment from square one.
> Even though things have been bad, you stillhave an attachment. So it's going to take time for you to catch up to where she's at.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My wife started over a year ago - I only started 2 weeks ago


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Nothing is wrong with you Bill. Don't fault yourself for actually having feelings. Seems pretty normal. But, you at least recognize she is no good as your lifelong partner. 

Have you looked into child custody laws? You need to start that process.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

I know how that feels, the pain is...........everything.........everywere......it does not stop.....your mind is playing the movies over and over.......what she said......what she did, HOW COULD SHE!........Here is the problem, if you do kill yourself, she will still be fucling this DIRTBAG and she will be LAUGHING at you! Because SHE had the power to destroy YOU! She will not even miss you because she has the DIRTBAG, in five weeks she will not even remember you.......Now, here is the question? Do you really want this BITCJ and the DIRTBAG to WIN? Realy, its that simple, Do You Want Them To WIN? NO, ok....Do you want to WIN? Yes, ok here is what you do........You pop smoke, you leave, YOU ARE GOING TO START A NEW LIFE! Now I know what you are going to say ....."I can't BECAUSE of Bla Bla Bla Bla and of course BLA!"..........So let me get your logic, you can kill yourself which is leaving Bla,Bla,Bla but you can't walk away from Bla,Bla,Bla? Is that right? I know you are in a bad place, but all of us in this Forum have been, that is why there is a Forum. Here is the thing, Life is going to keep moving on forward with or without you...... I would rather it be with you, so why don't you try my way and just go...its going to be a crazy adventure....but its alot of fun if you break out of your set ways and see the world.......if its the love of a woman you want, there are alot out there.........in fact there are a stupid amount out there.....I mean a REALLY STUPID amount........but that should not be the driving force here, you need to get to know you and the new person you are going to be, how about this as a start, take up boxing training and learn french and work part time as a leasing agent at an apartment complex. There is a reason for each one of these, but I want you to start working on YOU to understand this. Write back if you have any questions or comments. David


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Bill: No one said that it was ever going to be easy. Heck, I would greatly like to say that I've detached from that "cheating" STBXW of mine, but if I were to see or talk to her, then I have those "memory pangs" that can kick in. That's why it's far better for me just to stay in my cone of silence just as my legal counsel and my IC have both advised me to do.

The biggest difference that you and I have is that you have those kids welfare to deal with. In previous years, I was like you in that respect. I saw my boys with regularity at their mother's home. I loved them immensely but absolutely wouldn't spit in my Ex's guts if she were on fire. Over the years, my son's came to live with me, and my relationship with my Ex has improved, but I can assure you that it will never improve beyond what it is now as I lost feelings/complete trust for her a very long time ago.

Work for those kids~ they are your reason for living, and start working to get custody of them. It may be asking way too much of you, but in the end, having them there with you would make all the difference in the world.

And trust me, they're well worth it!


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Agree with Arbitrator. Working for Sydney Bailey and Cole should be your primary focus. Not that it will be easy, but I hope some day you can have a feeling of indifference toward your WW (STBXW). It would be healthy for you and the kids. 

Hey and you have way more to offer than she ever will. When you are in a better place, I hope you will be open to finding true love again. Hold your head up man.


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

well I spoke with my wife on the phone today and asked to figure out how much she will need for the kids a month and she began to cry.I asked her what was the matter and she said she didn't want to talk about it. I picked up kids tonight we had fun. When I dropped them off I asked her why she was crying earlier and she said "I wish you were like that when we were married" which didn't make much sense to me. I mean she only devastated our financial well being over and over. And all I did was tell her she could talk to me if she had too. I havent heard anything about another guy since she said she was seeing someone, now im wondering if it was even true or to hurt me. who is this woman????


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

It's the blame game. All your fault.

Which is complete BS.

She will play victim.


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

sounds right, seems like she is regretting her actions and asking for a seperation, then trying to hurt me . But who's crying now!!!!


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

yeah BCC, she is trying to set it up so that in her mind she can somehow save the chance to come back to you... but we call that cake-eating - she wants to live the single life and also have the benefits that go along with being married to a good man, but she can't have it both ways - it is obvious to me, and others here, but not to her it would seem.

Do not accept the blame, you did not "cause" her to cheat, things maybe weren't perfect, or even close to, in the marriage and I'm sure you are willing to accept responsibility (that I suspect was a large part of your reasoning behind you suicidal thoughts). When we marry a person we owe them our honesty and devotion, and if she couldn't handle those two simple concepts she shouldn't have married, and instead of using you while seeking the next better (in her mind only) thing she should have sought an end to the relationship... there is another term that is common among disloyal wives called hypergamy, where basically an unfaithful W with no accountability simply leapfrogs from one man to the next when she perceives it will get her higher up in the pond.

I'm sure some of these concepts are at play in her. There is nothing you can do, or ever could have done, to prevent it.

Best thing for you really is to keep focussing on yourself - likely even if she is regretting her actions, it's not the decision to let herself check out she regrets, rather getting caught and not having been more tactical about how she killed it. Of course I don't know your W, but very often it seems these are repetitive themes here.

So how are you doing today? Last couple days for me have been busy with my son, but I've managed to sneak on here at work a few times...


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## 36Separated (Aug 5, 2012)

How you doing?


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

hey bcc, how are you today, i used to dread the weekends but they are getting easier, i go to starbucks with my tablet & people watch, do a little shopping for me every saturday, i have laundry to do today & then my giants in the world series tonight, tomorrow is all about football & to bed earlier, have you got a new routine down, it really helps, as always thinking about you my friend


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## how was your day? (Oct 10, 2012)

sup bcc, how you doin my friend?


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Ok I will chime in... You alright Bill?


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Bill

I understand if you are busy... Haven't heard from you since Friday. Is everything Ok?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

drerio said:


> Bill
> 
> I understand if you are busy... Haven't heard from you since Friday. Is everything Ok?


Would love to hear from you, Bill! Hope that you and the kids are all doing OK!


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

Hi Guys, Im having a tough day today seems like sundays are hard, I not doing well. I took the kids this morning and dropped them off at the house, my wife said she was out (I suppose with the other guy) and she wasnt home when I got there. My mother in law took the kids in and I left. I really just dont know if I can do it, now im thinking about paying her support, running this buisness, and living, its going to be too much on me financially and emotionally. I still miss my wife (or my life) Im trying to take care of myself but sometimes I want to end it all, so depressed


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

Im still so bothered of the thought of her with another guy


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

I dont know how to move on, how to let go of the thoughts of her, how to accept her being with someone else, im scared of the future. How to let the my previous life go. Im in pain now still dont know if i can do it


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

you can brother, i'm telling you it takes 2-3 mos but you really become strong. i really suggest you read my thread in the private section, we're more alike than you know


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

hey andy, how are you


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

not too bad, cleaning, watching foot ball, laundry etc, what are you doing today


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

watching the game, trying to get by


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Bill

At this point you can't change your wife. You can work on "you". You know Bill, your kids are lucky to have you. For now, just try to be the best dad you can for them. In time you need to actively seek to make a better you. This is is not life over, it's just a reboot.


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

bcc said:


> watching the game, trying to get by


me too brother, me too. it's all we can do, if we were closer i'd people watch with ya at starbucks. mine keeps calling & texting, all day today, it hurts when i talk to her so i don't, at least try not too, remember your mind right now is your worst enemy, find me on linkedin, if your not a member you should be, to day i bought myself a satin sheet sheet, new blanket all for my brand new king bed, never have i ever had a bed this nice, picked up a 32 gig micro card for my tablet, bought a wireless keyboard for my laptop, SO MUCH BETTER, it was about spoiling me today & yesterday. how have you spoiled yourself my friend


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

Oh man Im tumbling down again, thoughts of my wife, kids, my home I just cant do this, I just cant, I just dont want to live I really dont. I keep running repetative thoughts of my wife and this guy being intimate. my daughter threw a penny in a well at the mall today and said I wish daddy could come home. I really think I need to check out, its not getting better, im already dead inside anyway


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

but you can't, you can do this, you don't want your daughter tossing a penny saying i wish daddy was alive, it took a while but i learned to just change my thoughts, it was hard but i learned.you will too. are you a gamer, play a video game & get your mind off of what you can't control


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

bcc said:


> Oh man Im tumbling down again, thoughts of my wife, kids, my home I just cant do this, I just cant, I just dont want to live I really dont. I keep running repetative thoughts of my wife and this guy being intimate. my daughter threw a penny in a well at the mall today and said I wish daddy could come home. I really think I need to check out, its not getting better, im already dead inside anyway


Your daughter is a wonderful child... Lump in my throat. Tell her that you wish dreams came true... One wish she never has to cast a penny for is that you will always be there for her. You are dad and will always be dad. So you can't take that wish away.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

In all honesty, I haven't had a chance to read your whole thread and pray you are in a better place. Most on here can vouch, I have been in your place a very long time, but what I have learned is no one is worth more than yourself. I am praying for you tonight.


"Power is being told you are not loved and not being destroyed by it." Madonna


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Bill: God didn't promise us a rose garden, but he does promise His presence when we call upon him. And just as all of us have come to endure the pains and demons of our own personal situations over the course of time, I know that you can too!

Just take time out for yourself, find a quiet place and pray and ask the Heavenly Father to be with you every step of they way. He will not forsake you and will make His presence known. It may not be an overt action that you get, but you will see Him speaking to you in other peoples actions, and more especially, in your childrens eyes and laughter.

*If nothing else, live for those kids*~ they are, or truly should be the wind beneath your wings! My unceasing prayers and love will continue to stay squarely with you and also with them!


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

I called my sister for support and she said she had talked to my wife. She said my wife was very unhappy and hinted around that she didnt want this seperation and that she wanted to know how i was doing because i seemed "happy" My sister said she was so confused because she said my wife was hurting and she knows Im hurting but yet we act like were fine around each other like we're both doing 180's then she said she really didnt think my wife was seeing anyone from what she could tell, is this whole thing a big psychological game for wife, its like we're both putting on shows for each other???I dont know what to think or do anymore. My wife will play it out until she crashes an burns(lose the house,divorce etc)


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

It's very possible that your wife is just trying to salvage her rep with your family, Bill. You know what she's told you, how she's acted. Maybe something happened and she wants to come back, but she hasn't dealt with the mess she made for you two. Just saying she's unhappy doesn't mean much. Is she in counseling? Is she taking responsibility for stealing from your business? 

Does your sister know how badly you've been feeling?


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

I would like to echo what Angel is saying. I get the feeling OM dumped her and that is something you need to find out. She may only want to get back together with you as a rebound from the OM, but be careful. Guard yourself.


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

Hi all, today was intersting. My wife used the whole check from the insurance company to pay bills. It was supposed to go to her car to fix. I text her and she wouldnt text back I finally got one after telling her to call me. She text back saying "ur attorney told you to be nice to me so I dont take everything you got thats why youve been so nice. and I needed the money to pay the bills. " I called her and asked her what the hell she was talking about. Apparently one of my friends wife(their getting divorced after she embezelled money from her employer) called my wife late last night saying all this crap to her. I told her I dont even have an attorney I said Ive been nice because I want to be nice, she finally believed me. then her girlfriend showed up, the same one that is constantly with her.I told her I needed to talk to her. She went upstairs and called me, but then I said we need to talk face to face.We are supposed to meet tomorrow. I have to figure out the money stuff.


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

hmmmm, i've always wondered if there ever was a om, your sister could be right, could both be putting on a show, play this cool bill, remember too fake it till you make it, no begging, groveling, no begging, no asking anything, keep it about finances & your son if nec. you can do this bill, be very strong tomorrow, strong & confident even though inside your falling apart, fall apart when it's done


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

andy, I dont know what to do, I cant live in the shop anymore, I need to get the boat to live on but when I meet her tomorrow do I just go right into the finances, not talk about us even though I think she doesnt want this?? I know how she is, she puts up walls like a castle and even though she may want us back she will say no, but then again why do I want her back??, Im so confused


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

It's important that you really think about the last question you asked above, Bill. She hasn't changed, and since she hasn't, you are likely to end up with the same problems. You need more than her not wanting a divorce. You need to know that you will be safe if you are back with her. 

Right now you're taking steps to guarantee that safety and stability for you and your children. If she can prove to you that she isn't going to steal from you again, or that she isn't going to cheat, then you can always cancel divorce proceedings or even remarry if a divorce has gone through. 

But make sure you're on strong footing first.


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

Angel, when I meet with her should I just presume that we will go through with a divorce and not talk about going back, I mean basically continue down the road im on and dont look back? Keep my acting skills up?? Or should I talk about us??


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Since she's made no concrete efforts to change, I'd just be all business. Talk finances, set up a schedule to see your kids, and/or to be able to call them, etc. Don't be angry or nasty, just cordial, and play it cool. 
If you talk about the two of you, she'll see you as vulnerable and not think she has to do a thing differently -- if you miss her the way she is, why should she change?


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## Matt1720 (May 7, 2012)

Bill, do a lot of listening. Listen to see if shes really putting in the work to return to your marriage. Believe none of what you hear, and only half of what you see. No need to act if you are just taking it all in. 

I was worried about the exact same thing, mainly due to the fact that I had all the things I would say carefully planned out. I *had* to say and do the right things to save my marriage, to convince my "best friend" to spend her life with me. Obviously that decision wasn't all up to me.

All it did was make her more secure in her position of treating me poorly.

Best of luck to you bro


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## Matt1720 (May 7, 2012)

angelpixie said:


> if you miss her the way she is, why should she change?


I wish I could have had this printed on the first thing I saw when I woke up in the morning, this past year


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

yes your right!!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Use discretion and "tough love," Bill! Don't let her "hold you" as a hostage. After all, she really owes you for her actions ~ and you definitely don't owe her! 

She's solely responsible for what she has so richly brought about!
Keep your chin up, Sir!


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## how was your day? (Oct 10, 2012)

bcc, today i feel horrible, if you haven't yet, you should read the updates i posted in my thread tonight, would appreciate your input


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## 36Separated (Aug 5, 2012)

Im feeling awful myslef. Had an ok night and day, so went cinema wtach a film - but sat there and it remined me of last time i went with her  Feel like sh*t now


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

Ok well it happened today, first one of my friends came in and told me they met her boyfreind he's 30 years old, she's 40. so there is an OM. Then she came in later and I talked with her, I asked her how much she thought she needed and she said she didnt know but her Friend was getting 300 week(the one where the husband left). I told her I thought 250 week was fair, she agreed, plus split custody, she agreed. She said she was going to let the house go, I said they may chase her for the difference if the bank sells it, she said she would claim bankruptcy again (thats 2 in a row) I said Ill contact the mediator. She went and got coffee for me. Then I had the urge to throw her a curve ball, I grabbed her hand and said that she hasnt been communicating with me and that we need to talk about the kids more and stuff. She suddenly reached out and grabbed me and held me. I played her, I rubbed her back and told her I care a lot about her. She told me a funny story about our daughter and we laughed. She called me later to see If I needed anything done. So here it is 1. she is seeing a kid 10 years younger 2. she is willing to throw the house away and claim bankrupcy again 3. she obviously still has feelings for me 4. she sacrificing her well being and the well being of her children for this fling? Tattoos, and tongue rings at age 40, Is this a mid life or what. But I am done with her, never shall get back together with her again. And what is a 30 yr old interested in my wife, yet alone my children???? this seems like a dead end for her If I ever saw. A crash and burn down the road. I can see it in her that she is a mental wreck, infatuation and new excitement always ends. 12 years is never going to go away in her mind and how good I was to her. I am deeply concerned about the kids, I dont know who this guy is but he is young. She thinks she is a kid again, she is making poor decisions, the house, the kids, the stability is jeopardized and I dont know what to do???


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

It does sound like a mlc, except for the shopping and money problems she had before. she just may be really unstable. talk to your lawyer and see what you can get in a parenting agreement as far as limiting the kids' interactions with the OM. stay involved with your kids, but don't let her suck you back in. only contact her regarding the kids or the divorce. don't let her make you into plan b. just because she still has some feelings for doesn't mean they're healthy feelings. they could mainly be guilt.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

I would make a recommendation that he not live with her when the kids are in her custody. This is for the safety of the kids.


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

OP.. …..“I don’t know what to do”…..You can only control your own self ,be stable and rock solid for your kids, let them feel security in you. Sometimes we see loved ones, spouses, brother, sister or adult children going down the road that leads to heart ache, emotional/physical pain maybe drugs etc. And we find our efforts and warnings are ignored. We just cannot control other people and keep them from making horrible mistakes sometimes.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Bill

You have come a long way since your initial posting. I am so glad you did not check out. And, you have years to spend with those great kids of yours. 

Maybe someday you can still fly out here to vacation with your kids.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Bill: Hoping things are going better for you today. Check in with us when you get the chance! Take care, brother!


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Whenever I even start to feel like that, I say, well, since I'm as good as dead I will just start doing all the stuff I WANTED to do but never did in life, what have I got to lose? The truth is, something needs to die...it is the shackles we put ourselves in unnecessarily. I get mad when I start thinking that I don't fit into life. So then I say F*** it!!!! And I do what I ought to have done in the first place. The first step to this is letting all the sh*t go that you really don't care about, and speaking your mind about it, saying the truths that need to be said.


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

Oh my God someone talk to me,, I took the kids trick or treating and when we got back I saw my nieghbors.They told me this guy has been taking my children for walks and raking up the yard, fixing the fence. He is sometimes staying there, I confronted my wiife, she told me his name and that he was nice, I told her I wasnt comfortable with him with my children like that. She got defensive and said she didnt think it was going to be serious but " someone showed me affection" my nieghbors would even talk to this guy they left the party they were at. They said my wife was running home crying ,left the guy at the party for 2 hours(no reason I know). My wife is being ostracized by everyone because I am prominent in the community as a business owner(know the cops etc) Then I talked with her and told her if he is nice Im happy for her but I dont know him and though the idea of him taking my girls for a walk [email protected]!!!! what the hellllllllll. Then I told her that I could get a court injunction to protect my children,she said dont threaten me with court!!! But in between we talked about how we still care about each other and that we could fall in love again someday (bullsh*t) we even hugged and kissed. Then I got pissed and said I did not want this guy walking with my kids alone. Oh she came into shop today and asked me for 1000 dollars because she screwed herself again with money, I wrote a check and put on the check"child support" for november to cover my 250 a week.She cried said why do I have to write child support. WTF. Then my babies called me after I left tonight crying for me to come home someone help me im really getting crazy now. Now I feel like taking her to court and puller her apart by the legal system, my poor children helpme


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

bcc said:


> Oh my God someone talk to me,, I took the kids trick or treating and when we got back I saw my nieghbors.They told me this guy has been taking my children for walks and raking up the yard, fixing the fence. He is sometimes staying there, I confronted my wiife, she told me his name and that he was nice, I told her I wasnt comfortable with him with my children like that. She got defensive and said she didnt think it was going to be serious but " someone showed me affection" my nieghbors would even talk to this guy they left the party they were at. They said my wife was running home crying ,left the guy at the party for 2 hours(no reason I know). My wife is being ostracized by everyone because I am prominent in the community as a business owner(know the cops etc) Then I talked with her and told her if he is nice Im happy for her but I dont know him and though the idea of him taking my girls for a walk [email protected]!!!! what the hellllllllll. Then I told her that I could get a court injunction to protect my children,she said dont threaten me with court!!! But in between we talked about how we still care about each other and that we could fall in love again someday (bullsh*t) we even hugged and kissed. Then I got pissed and said I did not want this guy walking with my kids alone. Oh she came into shop today and asked me for 1000 dollars because she screwed herself again with money, I wrote a check and put on the check"child support" for november to cover my 250 a week.She cried said why do I have to write child support. WTF. Then my babies called me after I left tonight crying for me to come home someone help me im really getting crazy now. Now I feel like taking her to court and puller her apart by the legal system, my poor children helpme


Bill,

Get a lawyer, like tomorrow... you need to see if you can get a court order to keep him from staying there as long as the kids are there. I don't know what the laws are like in you state, but it is worth talking to a lawyer about the options. 

Your kids will see in time that this guy is not as nice as he seems especially since he is part of breaking up their family. Just keep on being the best dad you can.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Yes, lawyer up Bill, don't pay child support until you have a written agreement. As for the POSOM overtaking your place in the home, that is one of the reasons so many on here are adamant about not leaving the marital home. Like Drerio says, depending on your jurisdiction you may have no troubles instilling a clause to keep him for spending serious time around your kids (like a morality clause). Lawyer!!


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

Oh my God Michael Im going crazy, Ive reached the point of no return, and my wife tells me " dont threaten me with court" I swear I will pull those kids out from under her like a rug"


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

bcc said:


> Oh my God Michael Im going crazy, Ive reached the point of no return, and my wife tells me " dont threaten me with court" I swear I will pull those kids out from under her like a rug"


You know what that is exactly the route you need to take. Be strong Bill. Her threats are empty and will mean nothing if she gets a court order.


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

Oh my God guys,im losing it what kind of mother would let a new guy take my children for walks alone. My children my god my children they called me crying for me to come home they need me, my oldest has severe emotional problems that I can only undertand Help me. I think my wife now is an absolute psycho (letting my kids walk with this guy) alone I cant stand her.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Bill

I can't answer what kind of mother your wife is... Let the courts handle it. You be the sane one.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I agree with Drerio, you be the sane one. You know what you need to do on this, go get your kids, fight for as much time as you can with them, don't give some POSOM any opportunity to spend time with them. Document every possible neglectful act she does towards them, date/time/description, if your kids are spending time with this guy you have the right to know him, ask him questions, and if he gives answers that are not in the best interests of the kids or you suspect he is a threat you have the right to call the police and have your kids removed from his company. No messing around, this is serious stuff and police will take such matters seriously, you are the parent.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Your wife has another man in her life, and you've got to accept that she's gone and he's going to be a presence in your life and the lives of your children, until and unless things don't work out with them. Most affairs don't last, but you can't count on that. Better to accept that it's going to happen, and it's not uncommon for this situation to occur when a marriage fails.

He won't replace you as a father even if he's doing all those things around the house. Try to find the positives, at least he's doing that stuff so you don't have to. Odds are she'll get the house in the divorce anyway, so start thinking in terms of moving forward, and that includes finding your own residence.

As far as giving her money, that's a two edged sword. If you don't give her money, she'll be pressured to file a support petition, yet if you DO give her money, you are setting a precedent for eventual child support.

As others have said, you really need an attorney but if you're not going to do that, at the very least, consider giving her a few bucks to keep her happy and out of court, but give her less than you think a court might award her based on your income and your states child support formula. That might eventually work in your favor because you could argue that she agreed to that (lower) amount.

Most of your mental strife is coming from the fact that you have not yet accepted things are over and done. Once you do accept that and start making positive steps forward, these things will be easier to deal with.

Not sure if it helps but everyone who goes through a divorce faces some or all of these issues and we get through it.


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

sharkeey you are sadly mistaken I dont give a sh*t about the other man. You can live and feel the way you want but by your comments you appear to be a defeatest. I gave her the house and dont care, she cannot afford it and will lose it. He is a F**cking child and will leave. My concern is for the safety of my children and I will will do whatever it takes ,whatever it takes, to do so. Dont conclude my mental strife is over acceptance because at this point I dont give a sh*t about her as she is damaging my children's emotional stability You can live in your sad world but I will not. You obviously have been defeated by your situation but I will not do so, I have more power and money than you know, I will twist her head around in court if need be, so keep your acceptance opinions to yourself. She is an unstable, detrimental and malicious human being Obviously out of her F**cking mind, and If I can see it the judge will see it too. Dont think mothers always win, they dont and if you read what her behavior has been till now you will see, as I have documented everything she has said, and the children want to be with me from their own mouths.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Wow Bill, 

I am hearing determination about the important things... "High five".


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

bcc said:


> sharkeey you are sadly mistaken I dont give a sh*t about the other man.


I agree he's not the problem here, more like a symptom of a greater problem which is of course, your wife. If it wasn't him it would be someone else. 



bcc said:


> You can live and feel the way you want but by your comments you appear to be a defeatest. .


I don't know about me being "defeatist", having been through an ugly expensive divorce, displaced from my home and my relationship with my 2 kids irreversibly affected to a great degree, I'm definitely more bitter and realistic nowadays. But I've rebuilt my life, I live in a nice townhouse, have a great girlfriend and still have money in the bank so I'm doing ok all things considered. 



bcc said:


> I gave her the house and dont care, she cannot afford it and will lose it. .


You need to be more realistic. You'll be paying for that house and giving her support for monthly bills and probably child support as well unless you pull off the nearly impossible and get sole custody. If you've been the breadwinner and she's been the primary caregiver, it's a very tough road to travel, although it "can" happen that a father will get custody but it's rare, and it will be a long, expensive battle that could take years and 100s of thousands of dollars. A good attorney will give it to you straight and tell you what the odds are of you gaining custody, every situation is different, hopefully you'll have an edge that most fathers do not.



bcc said:


> He is a F**cking child and will leave. .


Most likely the affair will not last and he will be gone.



bcc said:


> My concern is for the safety of my children and I will will do whatever it takes.


Are you children in real danger? If so then file an emergency petition and get the police and courts involved immediately. If there's no real danger and you're acting on emotions then you won't be able to get him out of your house.



bcc said:


> she is damaging my children's emotional stability.


Divorce and parental strife damages all children emotionally, they're unfortunately subject to collateral damage when a marriage turns sour, all you can do is be the best dad you can, realize that if you disappear from their lives it will be a bigger hit than anything else they will experience.



bcc said:


> I have more power and money than you know, .


That might work for you or against you, depending on the divorce laws in your area. You might have to give her half of that money and spousal support, child support and asset distribution will be figured based on all that money that you have. Use it to get a high powered attorney that will fight for you.



bcc said:


> I will twist her head around in court if need be, .


Not even sure what that means. If this thing ends up in a protracted court battle it's going to cost both of you a lot of time and a lot of money. You can't change the law, all you can do is try to get something close to a reasonable settlement. 



bcc said:


> so keep your acceptance opinions to yourself. She is an unstable, detrimental and malicious human being Obviously out of her F**cking mind, and If I can see it the judge will see it too..


You'd be surprised at how normal some unstable, detrimental, and malicious human beings can appear to uninvolved third parties such as judges. They can put up a good front, especially when being coached by a competent attorney that you just might be paying for. New laws in my state give the "non-monied" spouse the ability to get their legal fees paid for by their spouse along with temporary support based on a formula calculated on the monied spouse's reported income. 



bcc said:


> Dont think mothers always win, they dont and if you read what her behavior has been till now you will see, as I have documented everything she has said, and the children want to be with me from their own mouths.


Again, mothers usually win but there have been changes in recent years. I hope you have a strong case and a good attorney to help you present it to the courts in a way that they will understand and believe.


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

Hello all, found the guy with my wife was a convicted felon I had him picked up by the police. He also had hurt my daughters arm while he was living there. I took kids away to my brothers. She admitting to knowing he was a felon and had active warrants yet she allowed them to be around my kids!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now I have to go to court can you believe this!!!!!


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

What kind of a mother is this , this is not the same woman I married I dont know who this person is?????????


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

You saved your kids... You are a hero.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Good for you, Bill!! I hope your daughter is OK. I hope you won't think of checking out ever again. Your kids really do need YOU. Nobody else cares about them like you do.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

angelpixie said:


> Good for you, Bill!! I hope your daughter is OK. I hope you won't think of checking out ever again. Your kids really do need YOU. Nobody else cares about them like you do.


Angel nailed again Bill... She speaks wisdom. Stick around man your kiddos need you


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

bill you are the bomb, i bow down to you sir, your strength & anger is coming out of your pores, see i knew you could do this, we all did, seriously bill you are the man !!!!!!!!


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

Hey Its a good thing I didnt check out my children needed me!!!!! 
I love you all


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

bcc said:


> Hey Its a good thing I didnt check out my children needed me!!!!!
> I love you all


Back at you, Brother! You're worth keeping just for all of our well-beings here at TAM! Stay strong!


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

Hello all, went to court today my wife was there, she swallowed a bottle of pills in the parking lot and drove to the ocean where she walked into the water to drown herself,,,???? How things turn around.. The police were everwhere firetrucks, ems, she is being committed. Scumbag boyfriend is gone(hopefully) to jail. Kids safe with my brother going top see lawyer tommorrow no doubt full custody now !!!! and the house!!! Can You believe my this!!!!!


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

OMG, Bill!! That is unbelievable! I'm glad you have your brother there to help you with your kids, too. Keep fighting! You will come out of this OK.


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

just got back from hospital, she saying how much she needs me now and she wants to kill herself what a twist in tales guess Karma does exist


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

You did the right thing all along Bill. It is odd twist of fate and even more now than ever you need to stay strong for your kids. It would be great someday if you could come here on vacation with your kids. Just be sure you let know and get our kids together.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Bill, sorry that the one you loved self destructed like that, it truly is awful how much damage she has done to herself, rest assured that because your kids have atleast one dependable parent they have all the opportunities of life before them. Sometimes when we see a train wreck like that it really is better to look the other way, for the sake of taking care of our own responsibilities... let her find the help she needs and guide her to the professionals, there is nothing you can help her with she has found herself in a place where only she can decide what kind of life she is going to have... I hope for the sake of your kids that they will have a mentally healthy mother again some day who can be a valuable person in their lives but she has a looooong way to go.


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

Yes Michael and And Angelpxy, all of you, my girls called me "superman" when I was "hiding" them,, the court knows everything she has done OH and she says she did because of "my lack of affection" to her.


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

LON thank you


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Your girls have it right -- you are Superman for stepping up and taking your kids out of that situation. It is truly tragic what has happened with their mom, but Lon is right. It is up to her now to face what she's done with her life and get the help she needs. 

Just like you made the right choice when you were in your darkest moment -- you chose to fight for yourself and your kids. Your love for them was bigger than your pain, and now you've saved them, too.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Bill


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Bill: I'm thrilled by these drastic turn of events. As I told you earlier, our Lord would put no more on your shoulders than you can bear, and true to form, He didn't.

Take some time, find a quiet place and give Him thanks for pulling you through this. While you're still not totally out of the woods yet, keep a dialogue with Him, for He will always be there for you when you call upon Him.

You, your precious kids, and yes, your wife will all continue to be in my prayers so that He can safely guide you through this. Please take time to offer prayer and give thanks to Him for all that He has richly done for you and yours!


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## how was your day? (Oct 10, 2012)

bcc, happy for you man, gl bro


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

wow bill, i'm truly speechless & thats RARE. wow wow wow wow, see god has a plan for you !!!!!!!


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> Bill: I'm thrilled by these drastic turn of events. As I told you earlier, our Lord would put no more on your shoulders than you can bear, and true to form, He didn't.
> 
> Take some time, find a quiet place and give Him thanks for pulling you through this. While you're still not totally out of the woods yet, keep a dialogue with Him, for He will always be there for you when you call upon Him.
> 
> You, your precious kids, and yes, your wife will all continue to be in my prayers so that He can safely guide you through this. Please take time to offer prayer and give thanks to Him for all that He has richly done for you and yours!


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

hELLO


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

How are things, Bill?


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

Wow. I got back to this thread and so much has changed. I'm happy that things are turning around. 

So yeah, how are things bcc? Hope things are still going well for you.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Bill,

How are you doing?


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

hey guys,I have kids and in the house she is still in hospital I just found out today that a friend of mine caught her having sex with one of my employees 4 years ago on the desk in the office. It never ends with this woman she is unbelievable lies lies lies are whole marriage was a bunch of lies


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

bcc said:


> hey guys,I have kids and in the house she is still in hospital I just found out today that a friend of mine caught her having sex with one of my employees 4 years ago on the desk in the office. It never ends with this woman she is unbelievable lies lies lies are whole marriage was a bunch of lies


Why didn't he tell you when it happened four years ago? doesn't sound like much of a friend.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

bcc said:


> hey guys,I have kids and in the house she is still in hospital I just found out today that a friend of mine caught her having sex with one of my employees 4 years ago on the desk in the office. It never ends with this woman she is unbelievable lies lies lies are whole marriage was a bunch of lies


You know Bill, I am sorry for what she put you through, but the biggest and greatest thing of all is you have your kids and they are safe. That speaks volumes of you as a man. A real man, a man who is willing to look out for his children. Stand tall and proud. I know, I am proud of you.


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

he felt horrible and yeld at her but i guess she talked him out of telling me he felt bad its her that has defied our marriage and nowshe used to hide the mail from me but im getting it now credit cards with my name that i never applied for with balances should i use these in court


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

uhhhhh, YEAH!!!!! good job buddy


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Wow. Did you get a lawyer yet? You should be talking to a lawyer about the credit cards. I'm so sorry that she has done this. A lot of women in middle age have down shifting affairs with people who are less than their spouse in every way. It's so bizarre and hurtful. 
I'm so glad you stuck around to help your children!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

No. I like Indian culture, and when my exhusband left the house during our first separation I was so happy to be free from
him. I looked on google and realized it was Diwali. So I had my own little celebration. Foreign words are easier to get as user names too. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

Hello everyone, things are going well now I just wonder how raise three kids by myself my wife has asked to come home and my mother in law is living here she is still siding with my wife somehow someway she thinks im holding the kids hostage from my wife but i want to be around when my wife visits them. then my wife told me dont bother with divorce I can have everything but can you believe she asked to come home, like this is some misunderstanding!!!!!


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

Yes, we can believe it.

What is it that YOU want?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

spun said:


> Yes, we can believe it.
> 
> What is it that YOU want?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

why is MIL living with you ? I would think if wife goes so does MIL ?


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

yes your right she was helping watch the kids but its time for her to go


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Hey Bill,

You sound great... so different from when we first met. I admire you for hanging in there. It is always going be hard with the stbx in-laws. Don't expect them to ever side with you. Best you can do is be cordial. You be the stand up guy that I know you can be and your kids will recognize you for being "the man". Take Care Bill.


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

thanks Michael


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

bcc said:


> yes your right she was helping watch the kids but its time for her to go


I was just curious. If she was helping with the kids and on your side of all this then it might be different. Maybe tell her she should go stay with her daughter then.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Lon said:


> Why didn't he tell you when it happened four years ago? doesn't sound like much of a friend.


More often than not, people shoot the messenger..some just don't want to get involved..Or she probably told him that bcc was cheating her all along or some sob story..


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

well here i am,in the and raising the kids alone MIL moved out, Im doing the best I can but it,s so hard. I can hardly get to work and the shop is suffering I cant afford this house no way by myself now im thinking about the future, and why do I still miss my ex I dont understand myself Is this codependancy?? I could hardly stand her when we were together then she went over the deep end with the guy moving in and she is a big loser. what is the matter with me???


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

bcc said:


> well here i am,in the and raising the kids alone MIL moved out, Im doing the best I can but it,s so hard. I can hardly get to work and the shop is suffering I cant afford this house no way by myself now im thinking about the future, and why do I still miss my ex I dont understand myself Is this codependancy?? I could hardly stand her when we were together then she went over the deep end with the guy moving in and she is a big loser. what is the matter with me???


Nothing is wrong... you are adjusting. You invested a lot of time in what you had and now it has all changed. I do feel for you, but knowing what I know about you Bill, in time you will find a way and you make it. And, your kids and you will be better for it. The sharp Samurai sword is only made through fire and a lot of hard pounding by the maker. In the end it is the envy of all others. You are still being made. You will and can do it. Just keep forging ahead.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Does your wife work? Can you get child support from her? 
Don't take her "advice" or comments about the law seriously. She doesn't know. 
We are humans, meant to bond and love. Even people in really abusive relationships miss their exes in some way. You miss the dream, being part of a couple, having another adult to help. 
Good luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

Zappy I really dont think she loves herself either she definately has a severe personality disorder which Im still trying to figure out which one I dont think she knows what love is she put a convicted felon around her children, is that someone who thinks normal?


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

Zappy she has shipwrecked her family twice in 4 years first the money and then the ex con. also not everything is about lust, she never had a father in her life so cravings for male attention and low self esteem (she kept bottles of laxatives in her car and i caught her throwing herself up) seem more plausible than lust. Secondly if it is lust, one was a pimpley faced 21 year old kid and an ex con, her choice in partners is bizarre TRUE??? But it is true she never got it from me in past year because I didnt love her, I remember how many times I said to myself I wished I had met my soulmate instead of her(even though I said I missed her now)


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

What do you mean "I didn't love her"?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

yes but I called her today to see if she wanted to see the kids, and she knew i was going to call her and she never answered and never returned the call. she looks like a mess since her suicide attempt. But bandit, i have not had feelings of happiness and love with her in a while, she always lied to me how do you love someone like that tell me how?????


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

and what about my poor children they dont deserve any of this they are suffering. Kids should not have to go through this, this is all because of her. it could have been done very different


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

bcc said:


> and what about my poor children they dont deserve any of this they are suffering. Kids should not have to go through this, this is all because of her. it could have been done very different


Bill,

I feel for you and your kids... but don't forget they have one of you that is the adult; that is you. It may be hard to see the road ahead, but *you* continue to do as *you* need to do as dad and in time your kids will come to understand and appreciate you. In spite of all that has happened Bill, I want to wish you and your kids a Happy Thanksgiving.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

bcc said:


> yes but I called her today to see if she wanted to see the kids, and she knew i was going to call her and she never answered and never returned the call. she looks like a mess since her suicide attempt. But bandit, i have not had feelings of happiness and love with her in a while, she always lied to me how do you love someone like that tell me how?????


Well, sounds like what you had was an unhealthy, mutually parasitic love...where you both just fed off each other but never gave love back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

I was where u are a few months ago. My husband has had several affairs. My son went to live with his dad because he couldn't get along with my husband. My daughter was giving me he'll about him too. I wanted to die. One day, I said my goodbyes to everyone. I was hours from killing myself but for some reason I didn't. 

He cheated on me again a few weeks ago. 12 days ago, I started over and moved me and my daughter out. I refuse to go back to that dark pit where there is no light ever again. 

You can do this. You can get thought this. If I am, you can too.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Betrayedwife, I'm so sorry you got to that place. It's so good that you made it ti the other side of those feelings. Do you have a thread on TAM with your story? You'll get a lot of emotional support and practical help here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

I have a read under infidelity "husband is cheating again". It was a tremendous help for me to get through the moving out process. It's is so hard, but he will never get me to that suicidal place again.


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

Hello all, Im starting to let my wife go emotionally, I actually feel bad how down and out she is no money, she has move out of her friends because children services wants to go in and her friend doeswnt want her there. An on top of it she has no kids. She has dug herself into a deep trench she cannot get out of. I have succussfully obtained everything, the kids the house my buisness and the money. She was begging me for money to get an apartment but I said no. I have a high powered attorney as well on my side. My wife saw the court lawyer and he said she was screwed. You make your bed and u lay in it and Karma can bite u in the a**. I have also met someone nice but Im going very slow as this has only been a couple of months since all this happened. This is the new me. Lies and deception lose in the end and what is right always wins. God has amazing ways of doing things and it has been done, in front of my eyes


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Bill I'm glad you have landed on your feet... Your lawyer is right, she made the bed she is sleeping in, you do not to feel any guilt for what she cost to throw away thru actions.

As to her having money for apartment, if you are legally separating she is probably entitled to her half of the community property, depending on the law where you live I suppose, so if there is a way to deduct some money from her half and if you have cash there wouldn't be anything wrong with you.doing that, just make sure it is all legit.

take care, hope everything for you is well


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I know this is still tough, Bill, but I'm glad to hear that things are going your way. Sometimes it seems like the walkaway spouses come out on top in the end, but your case proves that's not always true. I really hope you get to keep your kids and everything you worked so hard for. Take care!!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Don't give her one red cent. Not a dime. Let her experience the full spectrum of the Great Circle of Dumbassedness...make dumbass choices and experience dumbass consequences.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

Hi all, thought I would check in and update for those who is and has suffered through spousal deception, lying, cheating and absence of morality . My wife remains living at her friends, I have not given her any more money. I have let her see children but she does not often. I believe she may be back with with that scumbag but not sure, she chose a dirtbag drug dealer over her children can u imagine??? Her mother and her began to undermine me telling kids stuff and wife told my oldest she could stay home from school and spend it with mommy without asking me. I gave her an opportunity to be with children but her mood swings and behavior are extreme, and if she is with this loser I dont want children seeing her. I told her that I tried but she is undermining me and that she needs to contact my attorney from now on" Her Mother then text me " stop using these beautiful children as pawns, its disgusting" I told her off and not to call or text me again, im building a fortress around my family cause I do not know what they are capable of , Mother is a drunk, wife is mentally unstable (maybe on drugs) and criminal boyfriend are a bad mix of people. But i do not fear any of them, I hold all the cards now. My priority is my children who are damaged by all this, my little sydney used to cry and ask when I was coming home on the phone while I was living at the shop, well Im home now, she never asks for her mother , how sad is that. I once thought I would grow old with this woman and raise these kids through college with my wife, see them marry and have kids, and grow old with my wife. Well this didnt happen. I really lost love for my wife after she put me in that 700,000 dollar bankrupcy, she hurt me beyond repair and I should have left then, my feeling after that 4 years ago were only co-dependant feelings not real love. U cant love someone who lies to u constantly please remember that, dont try to convince yourself otherwise. By the way I talked about karma before, well it continues to pile up on her, they were going to reposess the car and her engine blew on the highway, state police towed it, 400 to get it out, she is behind 800 and the engine cost 2000 and she owes 7000. No car, no kids, no home, no money what else will continue to come out of the universe to haunt her for her sick choices she made, what else!!!


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Bill,

Thank you for the update


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Bill: You're one good man! You just continue to take care of those kids~ they're absolutely your biggest priority in this life and your steadfast love for them and raising them correctly will reap heavenly dividends so far beyond your imagination! May God bless you one and all! Keep us posted!


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Bill -- Good to see you back on here to give us the update. You sound much, much stronger. You've made the right choice in being there for your kids -- you can see how much they love you. I hope things just keep getting better for you and your family.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Bedtime in Central Texas, Y'all! You all have my express permission to just stay up all night and talk bad about me! Catch y'all, later!


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

Wow bill !!!! Just wow  look at you now bro, you took the bull by the horns, nothing but love bro !!!


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

Hello all my friends here, Merry Christmas I have returned to update all who stood by me in my time of unbelievable pain and desperation. I want to remind all that you not only get through it but quite possibly saved my life. I actually forget how bad I felt as I feel 100% now but I just read my posts and I want to cry, never dreamed of the outcome. Kids are doing good, just learning to be a mom and dad at the same time. Laundry is the hardest part!!!. Three kids , the house and running the business is keeping me busy as you might imagine. The wife filed a motion 2 weeks ago for custody already, went to court and she looked like a fool. Motion was denied. I realize how truly sick she is just because she filed 2 months after major suicide attempt. I keep moving ahead but dealing with her is frustrating, ive let her have visits but she came yesterday with her mother and it was very uncomfortable, I felt I was outnumbered and trapped. Now she wants to visit them on Christmas morning with her mother and I dont know what to do. She is unstable and so is her mother and I know they would like to see me gone. For some unknown reason this is all my fault, not hers, my fault. I somehow caused her to cheat, move a criminal in my bed, use my credit cards, touch my kids , use drugs and try to kill herself ya its all my fault they have themselves convinced. Im holding fast and I have so many support avenues, including you guys Thanks all


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Hey Bill, Merry Christmas! I am glad you are holding fast...

As for trying to be the whole parenting deal, yeah it's hard work - and I only deal with it half the time. It can actually be overwhelming and when I fail constantly at it quite depressing - but I find myself often thinking of you and this thread, and the support by our fellow TAM folks.

How are your kids with wanting to see their mother? I don't know if I'd want them having their Christmas mornings corrupted by her presence, but maybe a supervised visit later in the afternoon or on Boxing day? Not sure if there is any hope for her, but it's possible in time she may choose to straighten herself some day - for now, you have your head on straight though, and you have the best judgement and the best interests of your kids at heart.

So enjoy the rest of the holidays and treasure your moments with the kids!


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Hi Bill -- thanks so much for checking in. I've wondered how you've been doing. I'm sorry that she's still making this so hard on you, but I'm glad to hear that you have the kids with you and that you have people there helping you out. 

I truly hope you and your kids have a wonderful Christmas, and a really great New Year.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

bcc said:


> Now she wants to visit them on Christmas morning with her mother and I dont know what to do.


Merry Christmas, Bill, to you and those wonderful kids of yours! May God's presence continue to be with you all, more especially during this Holiday Season!

Regarding the visitation from your STBXW with the kids, try to allow it but keep it short and sweet. And do it on your schedule~ not hers. You're a working man who is fastly trying to provide for them the best way that he can.

May God's rich blessings continue to be bestowed with you all through the Christmas Season and throughout the coming New Year!


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Hey BCC

Glad you are doing well.

And do not keep their Mother from them on Xmas.

Give her an hour and then nicely ask them (her and MIL) to leave.

Life will continue to improve for all of you.

Stay strong. It suits you.

Take care of yourself so you can continue to protect your kids.

You are all they have.

Merry Xmas BCC!

HM64


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Hey BCC,

I am so glad you are doing so much better. I am sorry the mother of your three beautiful children could not do better by them. But, you are their rock. Thank you for being there for them, you are blessed and they are blessed because of you. Merry Christmas.


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

Hello friends wanted to check in, I have been allowing the ex to visit but she wants unsupervised. We have a child support hearing coming up in Feb. So I saw that a pic of my children and ex was on the criminal (who took over my home) facebook which by way his fb is disgusting drugs and nasty pornography so I asked her to remove it, now she has denied that she has been with him including to the judge. After I text her I got a response from her phone saying that " I will post anything the f*** I want , F*** you you a**hole you F***ing loser so that appeared to be him I cut communication. Then the next morning she text me saying she had forwarded it to me but I did not see a FWD message, what u think she still with him ?? if so should she see kids at all help me guys not sure. She did call today and I hung up on her immediately. She called back 12 times in 5 minutes must be angry, I did call department of children for advice but couldnt get hold of anyone


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

bcc said:


> Hello friends wanted to check in, I have been allowing the ex to visit but she wants unsupervised. We have a child support hearing coming up in Feb. So I saw that a pic of my children and ex was on the criminal (who took over my home) facebook which by way his fb is disgusting drugs and nasty pornography so I asked her to remove it, now she has denied that she has been with him including to the judge. After I text her I got a response from her phone saying that " I will post anything the f*** I want , F*** you you a**hole you F***ing loser so that appeared to be him I cut communication. Then the next morning she text me saying she had forwarded it to me but I did not see a FWD message, what u think she still with him ?? if so should she see kids at all help me guys not sure. She did call today and I hung up on her immediately. She called back 12 times in 5 minutes must be angry, I did call department of children for advice but couldnt get hold of anyone


You sound like you are doing the right thing. I'm so happy your children have you as their dad. What a blessing you are to them. 

I hope at the February hearing the courts can understand the full extent of the situation and do what is right for your children. Namely that unsupervised visits would not be wise. 

Take care


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## bcc (Oct 8, 2012)

thanks Micheal good to hear from you again you are a good friend to me and will always be


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