# Very Mixed Feelings



## FrustratedFL (May 18, 2011)

My STBXH and I have been separated for 16 months and need to make some VERY big decisions about our future. We have been avoiding these discussions and skirting around any REAL talks about selling the homes, closing all the joint accounts, filing bankruptcy, etc. We have both sat on the fence and lived in limbo. I filed for divorce in Feb 2012 but then put it on hold with a false reconciliation attempt. Him with scumbag bar maids and avoiding any responsibility, me 100% parent, bill maker, and BS of 2 marital affairs. 

About 2 months ago, things started to shift for me emotionally and I decided to start dividing the pictures, packing the books, all prep work for a future without ties to my STBX.

In the meantime, STBXH started individual counseling and trying to get a hold on why he made these poor choices in his life and getting his head on straight.

We had a shift in communication and started to talk more and text about fluff. When I made boxes for him to take from our home, he would always make excuses not to remove. He has said he did not want our marriage to end and that he was really trying with counselor. 

I know he is telling the truth since I am seeing the medical claim forms for his therapist. I am passed the anger and have begun to forgive him for all the pain her caused but I am nt kidding myself about any future. It is weak at best. 

*I just sent him this email below and need to know if this sound reasonable for 2 mature adults to decide futures, desparate or pathetic. Please I want true answers!!!:*

_I am at a true crossroad as to what to do with our marriage. 

I am on the fence whether to re-file for divorce or give it some intense counseling to see if we can try and save our marriage. I do not want to look back in a few years and regret not trying to save our long term marriage. But I also do not want to live separately as married people for much longer. 

Through individual counseling, I have worked through some of the infidelity anger and emotions that I had and am now ready to face some tough decisions. Do we work on our marriage and see where it takes us? Do we sell the houses? Do we get our papers together and divorce? If divorced, can we easily communicate with each other when new partners and marriages are in the future? How will any of these decisions affect daughter? 

I have thought about all of these questions recently. I am clearly at a loss. 

I have asked to meet with you numerous times to talk about the houses and our marriage but you never respond.

I attempted marriage counseling in the past but you had not severed ties with others, so that was obviously doomed to fail.

But then you email telling me that ending our marriage is a big mistake. These are all very mixed messages to me. 

I am truly not looking to relive the past or argue about our issues. I am looking for some perspective on what course to take and how we can amicably agree. 

I would like to hear from you what your honest thoughts and hopes are for your future. _


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

I think you handled it right a while back when you said that counselling wont work while he still was with OW. The only three people that should be involved is you, your husband and counselor.

I would ask is ultimately what do you want? If you are trying to forgive him, say so. If you want him to rebuild trust - make him show how he has changed. If you are both working on things to improve communication and issues that got you to this point - great....now measure progress.

At this stage, it sounds a little like neither of you are willing to step off the brink. Say what you want and do it. If he cant commit or wont respond or comes up with an excuse - NOT good enough. It seems like you need a frank discussion to air your concerns and figure out which way you want to proceed (counselling?).

If you decide D is the way to go, you dont need to wait for his consent. If he wont pick up his stuff, put it in storage until the D is final. You dont need to be a victim to his indecisiveness


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Sounds like you just want to know whether he is in or out. Maybe follow up with something that he has to act upon, like, "We need to decide whether to divorce or attempt to reconcile. I'd like you to meet with me at/on xyz place/time; does this work for you?" If you leave it open ended, he may just not reply, but if you ask a specific question then he might be forced to answer. 

If he doesn't answer you, will you file anyway and just serve him papers? Just make sure that you have a clear plan in your head about what you are going to do in either case. It sounds to me like you're just waiting to hear his thoughts before you decide and that might just make him think all the cards are in his own deck and he might continue stringing you along. Protect yourself, too.


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