# Lied to my wife about money troubles, and she wants me out...



## Andy26599 (Mar 16, 2012)

So my wife is on the verge of wanting a divorce, I’ve completely eroded her trust by lying about finances…but not in a lie that I’m going out spending on booze or gambling, or even just going to the pub with my friends, its purely that I’m trying to make ends meet month to month…

My wife works really hard, has 2 businesses, which although takes up a lot of her time, doesn’t provide a regular wage. Therefore, it’s left to my wage to cover everything, debts, mortgage, bills, spends, food shopping, petrol, taking our 3 young kids out, etc…

Last year, I arranged with the mortgage company (without telling my wife) to make a reduced payment on the mortgage to free up a bit of cash for Christmas…the bank said that this would be fine, but then sent a letter a month later stating that we were in arrears, and the wife hit the roof…understandably I suppose, as I’d lied about it and tried to blame the bank and said I’d sort it, but she’d already spoken to them and knew exactly what I had done…

As background, my wife has a very low stress threshold, and regularly has bouts of “narkiness” especially during the time of the month…I’m forever getting blamed for things out of my control, and if things don’t go right, she can start to rage at me…this happens quite regularly, and its very draining, so by default I usually take the path of least resistance…

Currently, we are just about getting by month to month, any wages she receives are a bonus at the moment, but recently, things have been getting tight…she’s always asking me if we are ok for money, and not wanting to worry her, I just say “we’re fine”…bar a couple of late payments over the last year, we are, just about, keeping our heads above water…

Recently, the bank balance has been getting low, and the upshot is that there wasn’t enough money to make a payment recently, so rather than worry my wife, I told her we were fine for cash, and I contacted a friend and asked him to lend me some cash until I get paid next month…my wife found the text on my phone, and hit the roof, saying I’d eroded all trust (again) and she wants me gone…I’ve been sleeping on the couch for the last 3 nights, as I don’t want to spend any time I don’t have to away from my kids…

Basically, she resents me for lying to her, says I don’t support her emotionally or physically, and I’m not the man she married anymore…

I tried to reason and say that I only did it to avoid another argument and to not worry her, but she wasn’t having any of it…

Basically, is there any way back for us? I don’t want to lose everything we’ve worked hard for over the years, I don’t want to lose out on seeing my kids, and I don’t want to lose my wife as despite everything, I love her very much…


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

First, quit hiding and lying about finances. They are what they are. Second, include her in all financial decisions - it's a marriage, and a partnership. Or is it? Finally, if money is so tight and her businesses aren't producing much income, discuss her getting a full time job as an employee with a steady and predictable income. The only exception to this is if the business(es) will become very lucrative with a little more time to grow. She doesn't have to like getting a job, nor do you have to like your job - but the first priority is survival, and then look into pursuing things more to your liking.

If you have money problems now, they will double or worse if you divorce. She'll need to get a regular job to survive. You'll almost surely lose the house as well. BTW, if she wants the divorce, she should be the one to move out.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Quit lying to her. You are not making her feel better, you are making yourself feel better and avoiding reality.

You lies have also jeopardized your home. Of course she's losing faith in you. So stop. Work on a budget together. Give her the respect she deserves and work through this together. She may have ideas you have not considered.


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

In addition to stopping the lies, work on a plan to get your family back on track financially and take the plan to your wife. Apologize humbly for your financial failures in the past and let her know that you understand why she feels the way she does. But tell her you are determine to turn things around and here is how and then present your plan. Tell her you know that her trust in you financially has been eroded, and then tell her you want a chance to lead the family to financial health.

Then, be willing to sacrifice. My husband is the financially conservative and savvy one financially in our marriage, and I tend to want to spend too much. So he directs our family finances. But it is so important to sacrifice short term for long term gain. Trim the holiday festivities -- make things for gifts (bake goods, crafts, etc.). Buy the kids games, books and small toys from the dollar store. Sacrifice vacations, etc. you can do it for only one or two years and when you look back you will not have missed it. Cut cable, get burner cell phones, get creative with entertainment. You cannot cure financial ills without sacrifice! No quick fixes! We did 3 years of extreme sacrifice when we first got married and the benefits make the sacrifice seem like nothing.

Good luck.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Andy26599 said:


> My wife works really hard, has 2 businesses, which although takes up a lot of her time, doesn’t provide a regular wage. Therefore, it’s left to my wage to cover everything, debts, mortgage, bills, spends, food shopping, petrol, taking our 3 young kids out, etc…
> 
> Currently, we are just about getting by month to month, any wages she receives are a bonus at the moment


Your wife works really hard at two business that take up a lot of her time, and yet you're responsible for paying everything, and any wages she receives are to be considered a bonus?

What's wrong with this picture?


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

lenzi said:


> Your wife works really hard at two business that take up a lot of her time, and yet you're responsible for paying everything, and any wages she receives are to be considered a bonus?
> 
> What's wrong with this picture?


Maybe she is trying to build the businesses? I certainly hope that is the case; anything else and she really has no reason to be angry with OP; he lied, she is being selfish and both would be hurting their financial health. Both would be bad.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

In the pat I used to take care of all the bills. My wife wasn't interested in it at all, and we were OK financially. As money got tighter I told her things were tight but she never really focused on it. Yet she kept asking me if she could start a business ($50K investment). At that point I started sitting down with her every payday and showed her where the money was going and she realized that opening a business was not in the cards.

You have to make sure your spouse knows what is going on. It's their money (and liabilities) too.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I realize you've been trying to spare her but QUIT LYING. You have been playing parent to her so she won't worry when in reality she needs to know exactly what's going on with the family finances. Cut back on monthly expenses as much as you can and if that isn't enough then it may be time for her to consider a job with a steady paycheck.


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## Mykice (Nov 19, 2014)

Andy26599 said:


> So my wife is on the verge of wanting a divorce, I’ve completely eroded her trust by lying about finances…but not in a lie that I’m going out spending on booze or gambling, or even just going to the pub with my friends, its purely that I’m trying to make ends meet month to month…
> 
> My wife works really hard, has 2 businesses, which although takes up a lot of her time, doesn’t provide a regular wage. Therefore, it’s left to my wage to cover everything, debts, mortgage, bills, spends, food shopping, petrol, taking our 3 young kids out, etc…
> 
> ...


I know how that feels and i myself is guilt of this kind of mistakes. I dont know how or what advice i could give you, but for me it was hard and it took over a year before my wife and i started talking. give her time and quit lying to your wife, there are times where she's having doubts if you are telling the truth which you cant do anything about it only continue to prove to her that you've changed. be strong i was able to do it and you can do it as well.


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## Andy26599 (Mar 16, 2012)

OK, so a bit of a follow up...we sat down and went through our joint finances, incomings, outgoings, spending, etc...and we were just scraping by each month, living hand to mouth, pay day to pay day...

We discussed various options, Debt Management Plans, IVA's, Bankruptcy, and *we* decided to enrol her in an IVA (as most of the debts are in her name)...this recently was agreed and went through, and we are due to make the first payment this month...

I thought things were looking up, we'd have a bit more spare cash to enjoy ourselves, and maybe actually have money left over at the end of the month...

Until yesterday, when out of the blue I get a text message satating that she's fed up of me "letting her down", lying about money, and then brought all sorts of past arguments and behaviours into it...don't compliment her, don't show her affection, don't support her emotionally...(works both ways that does though)

Blaming me for her having to go into the IVA when in reality, it was joint decisions to take out the credit, and at the time, she was employed as well as self employed and we had the cash to pay it...

I'm currently back at my parents house, as of last night, as I can't be in the same house as her as its decending deeper and deeper into arguments...

I've suggested marriage counselling, but she seems resistant, and no matter what I say, I think she's given up on our marriage...which is devastating...

The mental thing is, if she thought our finances were bad before, they're going to be ten times worse now...we'd have to sell the house, pay off the IVA with the equity, and then split whatever is left...which won't be much...so getting a new place to live, with room for my 3 kids, would be nigh on impossible...

I already have a small house which I rent out to her dad and his fiancee, so I'd have to effectively evict them in order to move back in...which would only make matters worse...

I'm still hopeful that I can rescue my marriage, but these hopes are fading fast...and that's when the world of hurt really starts...


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

What is 'IVA'? Your wife does not want to take responsibility for her actions and is blaming you for her actions/debts. What caused her debt? Until *she* can get a handle on her spending she will always have a problem.

Have you told her how disappointed you are in her for getting the two of you in this mess? Don't let her turn you into the scapegoat.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I'm a little confused. You say there were joint decisions to take out debt, but didn't you state in the initial post that you were lying to your wife about your ability to make payments. Seems that's not quite a joint decision if she did things believing you could afford it, only to be told after the fact that you couldn't.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

An IVA is "Individual voluntary arrangement" in the U.K. Individual voluntary arrangement - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

I think it's kind of like Chapter 13 bankruptcy in the USA: rehabilitation with a payment plan for individuals with a regular source of income; enables individuals with regular income to develop a plan to repay all or part of their debts


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> What is 'IVA'? Your wife does not want to take responsibility for her actions and is blaming you for her actions/debts. What caused her debt? Until *she* can get a handle on her spending she will always have a problem.
> 
> Have you told her how disappointed you are in her for getting the two of you in this mess? Don't let her turn you into the scapegoat.


Really? She's the one blaming? He basically tries to say "She's a crazy female with a period" as his reason he's a liar and yet she's the bad guy in this scenario?

Way to jump on the "if your bills are too high - it might be the women doing crazy female spending stuff." We have no idea where the debts and bills came from.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

I've been the wife in this scenario, and it's soul crushing to find out that your husband could maintain a lie like this for so long. What's worse, is just like you, my husband tried to blame his lying on me. 

The reality is that you are conflict-avoidant. You would rather be a liar than address problems head on. That's not your wife's fault, and I'm going to guess you've been like that your whole life. You need to own that. And yes, you could go to MC - but really, you need to seriously consider IC to go with it. You can talk and talk in MC, but until you stop blaming your wife and creating impossible to live with scenarios on your conflict-avoidant behavior, nothing is likely to improve. 

In your first post you:

- Go to everyone's favorite standby -women are crazy because of their period, so me being a liar is okay.

- Say that when you are caught in lies, you'll just lie further and blame shift.

- Your problem isn't the fact that you are lying - it's how she's reacting - ie "Hit the roof." 

How did you think "not worrying" her was going to work out when you started borrowing money from everyone around town behind her back and when debt collectors started to call her at home? Me - I found out the time I went to buy gas and my card was declined. That's a wonderful feeling. 

So what are you doing at this point to be pro-active and address this situation, because again it seems to be her going into IVA and you getting to really avoid the situation. 

Also - why are all the debts only in her name?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Andy26599 said:


> I tried to reason and say that I only did it to avoid another argument and to not worry her, but she wasn’t having any of it…
> 
> Basically, is there any way back for us?


Yeah. Read the book No More Mr Nice Guy.


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