# The difference between men and women who go off sex.



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

There are an increasing number of threads on here by women who are getting virtually no sexual attention from their husbands. I feel very sad for the women in this situation. Unfortunately, I don't have high hope for any improvements when it's this way round: The man who does not want sex.

I have started this thread to explain why.

As I have pointed out many times before, when a woman gets fed up with having sex with her husband, in almost all cases it boils down to resentment of him for something or other. Now I'm not saying it's all his fault, but what I am saying is that by simply changing his behaviour so that the resentment is reduced, a huge improvement will occur in the lucky couples sex life. There are threads on here where it has been literally over-night. 

I have had men ask me, "but surly it's not all my fault?". My simple answer is: Who cares? If you fix your wife's resentment, you will in 99 cases out of 100 get more sex. You don't even need to get her to agree. You don't need to discuss any thing. All you have to do is put right what was causing her resentment. 

*
So now we come to the men who don't like sex.*
Totally different.
There may be a few who are harbouring resentment. But that is not the main cause. The main reason why it so hard for the woman to fix is that unlike the reverse situation above, *it has little or nothing to do with her*. I am making a huge statement here. I am saying that in most cases, *there is nothing the woman can change in herself that will make him want more sex*. So unless he is willing to seek outside help, the situation will probably never improve.

Now we get to the sad part. In nearly every case, (perhaps in all cases) the woman thinks it's her fault. This is opposite to how men think when their wives go off sex. At least to start with, they tend to think it's the wife's fault. But when it's the man who does not want sex, almost from day 1 the woman thinks it must be some lack in her. So her self esteem tumbles. She tries harder, it has little effect, so her self esteem plummets even further. I have not come across one single case where the woman's self esteem has not collapsed. The final outcome for a women that stays in this sort of marriage for more than a few years is that they feel they must be so undesirable that no man would want them. So they don't bother to leave or find a new man.

This is why I do not often write much in these woman's threads - I have no fix I can offer them, unlike the men who want more sex. 

From now on I will simply link to this thread, and save on cyber ink.

If you don't fancy a life of celibacy, and he won't seek outside help, move on. That's my view. All IMvHO


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

Thanks for your insights Mark on the sex thing. 
I am sure you know too, that putting a blanket on the issue of men who don't want sex, or don't have a sex drive, or don't desire their wives, is kind of hard, since there are so many factors that can make a man feel lack of desire.

As for me, it's a hard one, and we feel as though we are between a rock and a hard place.

It's mostly a medical issue with him. You see, he has wayyy wayyy too low Testosterone, about 285 ng/dl the last check, which is pitiful. As is the standard for MDs, we are told, take drugs... T-therapy... but, those are not without significant risks.

he is kind of young to be having this much trouble with his hormones, as he's only 44, but it's not unheard of at his age.

So, that medical thing, on top of his high stress, highly emotionally and physically draining job, our house literally falling apart, and every damn appliance, car, computer, or anything else Constantly breaking....... it just makes for a seriously non-sex wanting environment LOL...

To be honest, I don't want it as much as I used to either, because the stress we both have been under, is hard to take, and I guess we do try to band together, and be each other's rock. We do have sex, sometimes we'll do it a couple days in a row, and then not again for like 6 weeks.... and by that time, I'm pissed at him, but have to remind myself of all the things I just remarked on above,
Then, we'll talk about it, adn we'll make love again, and of course at that point it feels to me like pity sex, and it's humiliating at times.

However, the sex is good when we have it, and he gets off marvelously, he loves my oral , and we are generally good together in bed. I dont' know truly what the root of the issue is, except to say that a combination of all of the above, has hastened his drive, and sometimes mine too. I guess if I had to put a number on it, I probably want it about 3 times a week.

Aside from scheduling it, so that we hit the 3 times per week mark, which feels kind of impersonal, I am not sure what to do. And we are again, scared of the T-therapy. 

I am pretty attractive, not heavy, feminine, and have straight teeth LOL,,, so , although I think this issue really took hold when I was preggers, and Ginormous, Huge, A whale... and he didn't like the look of me, what man would, it hurt though, a LOT... but since then, we have had so many bad things happen, and we are so tired with a toddler and a tween, and he's under so much stress, and has such a low Testosterone level... it just seems insurmountable.

We are best friends though, so I just hold on to that. And try to enjoy the times when we do make love. I am not really sure what else to do. I do know for certain he's not cheating on me. And he treats me very well. Not to say we don't have the occasional argument, and get mad with each other. But we always seem to come back from it.
I guess everyone is different. I wish I had the my man wants too much sex problem, but , then I suppose if I was in that situation, I'd be just as frustrated, just in a different way.

Who knows? :-(


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Semen Retention would feel very similar to a T boost. It has made me into a maniac 
By the way, your husband was not really so much the type of man I was talking about. I was thinking mostly about men who come from stiff upbringings where little physical affection was shown, or where one or both parents were alcoholics. However, even in your case - it's not your fault. And you can take that to the bank


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

well, you're right I know, in my head I know this, but it's true. I am always wondering what I could do, or not do, to make him want it more.

He was brought up in a very touchy feely home, and he's very sweet that way, touchy with our kids, and people at church. He loves to lay on my lap and have me rub his hair, or his feet, he'll rub mine too. He's also very macho, I know strange combo. He's just what I've always dreamed of in a man, responsible, hard working, loving, my hero, my knight in shinning armour, can fix anything that breaks, and is very smart. 

It's hard to know what to do. Do you choose to have a crummy sex life, or get your hubby on a drug that might cause him to have cancer later in life. Huh... and I would never forgive myself if he became ill because of T-therapy, so that's a no brainer. I love him too much to see him become ill. So unless the doc says that he needs the hormone replacement in order to protect him from heart attacks and stroke, then I don't think we'll do it.

But this semen retention.... since he almost never want to do it anyway, and he never gets the proverbial "blue balls" then what do we do?

Do you mean that when we finally do have sex, that we should not finish, and he should hold off? I don't know if this would be effective with someone that isn't wanting sex in the first place, would it?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

marina72 said:


> Do you mean that when we finally do have sex, that we should not finish, and he should hold off? I don't know if this would be effective with someone that isn't wanting sex in the first place, would it?


At first it would be boring for him. But it would gradually get better. The first time, he would feel like the act was incomplete.

The way I do it is to slow down when I am near the edge, and the speed up again, once I have calmed down. In this way I can keep going all night - unless I'm tired which means my concentration is not up to it, and I accidentally cum.

Once I got good at it, I became able to stay at the point where I was almost about to cum, for longer and longer. So now, during a session, my arousal level fluctuates between being very turned on, and nearly on the edge.

This is now so much fun that I don't actually enjoy cumming that much. However, in the beginning, I could not stay stay so aroused without cumming, so I aimed lower of you get my meaning.

One thing that is vital is that he must not ejaculate "solo" in between sex. However, self stimulation is actually good, as long as he does not cum.

If he were to try it, he would find that after sex, he would still feel horny. So the next day he would have no trouble doing it again. And the next and the next! It's just a matter of getting him started.

Is he masturbating in between sex with you?


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## Mrs B (Sep 29, 2008)

Are you a sex therapist or something?

Just wondering where you got your information from.

And for the men who are going through this. If you have children, it probably has nothing to do with resentment and everything to do with pure exhaustion. I think that needs to be addressed more.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Mrs B said:


> And for the men who are going through this. If you have children, it probably has nothing to do with resentment and everything to do with pure exhaustion. I think that needs to be addressed more.


Exhaustion has very little to do with it. Did you read my article? 

Sex is a great stress buster. A woman who is happy with her husband will get just as much out of sex as he will.

I got all the information by conversing with women on forums like this. Look how many posts I've racked up. And I have a lot of PMs too. Sex therapists know nothing about resentment because it has very little to do with sex, and everything to do with the way men and women interact. In fact I have my own forum which is mostly about sex, and I'm about to scrap it, because it's too narrowly focused.

If you read all the posts on this site, you will find that men who help with the house work do not get any more sex than men who don't. In fact the ones who do 50% or more are the ones complaining the most.

I have to admit, I have totally left hormones to one side. I am trying to speak for the majority. Not special cases that the experts would have us believe are common place.

What is your experience?


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

pretty sure he's not masturbating. He's got no drive, to have sex in general. He has admitted as much to me, and says that he feels so guilty for doing this to us, and has told me that all of life's stresses, just pile up on him, and he kind of shuts down , as a lot of men do, if they feel something is out of place in their lives. He just internalizes a lot of his worries, and so tends to shut down.

We do talk a lot, we're best friends. But I think sometimes my hubby thinks that in order to enjoy sex, you have to be perfectly happy with where your life is, and not have any worries. He doesn't get the live in the moment, or smell the roses thing sometimes.

In general, a lot of men's ego is tied to thier careers. They measure success by how much money they make, or whether they can provide for a family. And although I stroke his ego plenty, and let him know how much he's appreciated, I think it gets to him sometimes, that he's got 4 college degrees, but makes less than 50 grand a year... and supporting a family of 4 , on that salary, in the US with our economy in the tank, is Very hard. I economize, and am very frugal, our cars are both over 12 years old, so we don't live beyond our means and when I shop for food, I don't waste, and I budget like my life depends on it.

But in the end I think it gets to him. But that's just one issue in and of itself. 

he does occasionally get randy... it's just very rare. so , I was always the one that initiated. and then I just got sick of feeling like I wasn't desired by my own hubby.

mind you, he used to be Very sexually charged, when he was younger, and always had a very active sex life. We even did it more in the beginning, but looking back, it was more me initiating, again he did sometimes too.
yes, it is having a lot to do with the tired, overworked, stressed out, pure exhausted issue. And I do take note of that, as I mentioned. I am fairly paitent, and I try to be aware of his perspective.

It gets hard at times, to be this lonely sexually, but I just try to savor the moments when we are together. And pray his T levels will normalize which may not happen.

It's just a combo of everything, the medical issue, the exhaustion, the stress of everything that could break or go wrong, all hitting the fan at once. 

I will see if Hubby wants to try the semen retention thing Mark, it might work , never know till you try! I will tell him to read some of your posts if he's up for it.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

marina72 said:


> I will see if Hubby wants to try the semen retention thing Mark, it might work , never know till you try! I will tell him to read some of your posts if he's up for it.


I had the benefit of a mentor to help me with this, and I am happy to do the same. You can't just make it up as you go along, it takes some fine tuning.

One of the benefits by the way is more energy and the ability to laugh at stress. It's also made me more of a "tough guy" - which my wife seems to like. If he takes to is, he may well want sex every day, and get irritable if he does not get it - this technique can make a little testosterone go a long way 

Be careful what you wish for


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

LOL... I will be careful! Well, I ran the idea by him just now, and he said, sure why not! So, I guess we'll be getting in on later and see if this has any effect. Course like you said, it might very well take a lot of practice... I don't mind the practice hahaha...

Thanks Mark, I will update, leaving out the vivid details. ;-P


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

marina72-

Well the weirdest thing you are going to have to cope with, is knowing when to finish sex! Normally, the man cuming is the signal that it's all over. In the early days, my wife told me when she was close to having enough, and I would soon stop.

Don't shoot for the moon the first time. Just make love for a decent amount of time, and then stop. If you want to go again that day, do not do it again before at least an hour has passed.


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

Mark , sounds good. That is hard, to know where the cut off is when we're going to do it this way. I will use the hour long wait period technique too, though my suspicion is he'll fall asleep long before we can do it again, but I'll get him tomorrow too if he does! We'll have to wait till the kiddies go to bed though, that's another thing, we can't just hop in the bed anymore like before and do it any old time. Miss that kind of sex. 

I am already anxious for this evening! haha... ;-)


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

mommy22-

You have a point, but I was I must admit, generalizing about the main differences. I'm talking about guys who go off sex about six months after moving in together or getting married. I have held back form doing this, but I am going to link to a forum that has collected all these women in one place. I can only go there for 1/2 hour max, before I get too upset. If Chris H. wants to get rid of the link, I will understand.

Living In A Sexless Marriage - 2-in-2-1 Discussion Forums

Be warned, you will cry.

OK, there are some men on there too, but it's at least 90% woman.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

mommy22-

Can you find me one single thread on TAM where a woman in the situation I described above got her hubby to desire her again?

There is 1 that I found on the site I linked to, and she only got there buy giving the guy an ultimatum. There may be more, I have not read the whole 124 pages! 



mommy22 said:


> I hate to see any woman come to this site looking for hope because her husband no longer desire intimacy and leave thinking "There's no hope."


Sure, but I am hoping they at least leave thinking "It's not me it's him". So my message is not as negative as it seems.

Some of these women look like super-models, I'm trying to give them a break. 

But keep the criticism coming - my wife thinks it's good for me.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

marina72 said:


> Hi Mark, We did the retention thing last night. We had some really good shagging, I guess it lasted maybe 20 minutes , not counting the foreplay of course.
> 
> There were a couple times when he was on the verge of finishing, so we stopped and kissed or did more oral.... We managed to quit at the right time. He jumped off me and said "don't touch me don't touch me! if you do I"ll cum"! lol... it was kind of comical for both of us, we were huffing and puffing all while giggling, as we've never tried doing this without him finishing before
> 
> ...


marina72- 
Geeeez, I think you were so excited, you posted in someone else's thread! Keep the reports coming! It sound like he understood the technique perfectly. Perhaps I should start a Semen Retention thread...


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

LOL... well, I didn't see this thread in there, and I saw you had posted in another one, so I posted in there. ;-) sorry! 
He did well, with cutting it off just in time. Interestingly, his erection lasted for about 20 minutes after we were done, he was standing at attention waiting for some more action I guess. haha...

I'll keep updating. a semen retention thread can't hurt.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

OK, new thread started: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/4579-semen-retention-101-a.html#post45702


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

MarkTwain said:


> mommy22-
> 
> You have a point, but I was I must admit, generalizing about the main differences. I'm talking about guys who go off sex about six months after moving in together or getting married. I have held back form doing this, but I am going to link to a forum that has collected all these women in one place. I can only go there for 1/2 hour max, before I get too upset. If Chris H. wants to get rid of the link, I will understand.
> 
> ...



Ok, I could only make it through about the first 10 posts in that linked forum before I had to close it. Very sad, very sad.


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## Mrs B (Sep 29, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> Exhaustion has very little to do with it. Did you read my article?
> 
> Sex is a great stress buster. A woman who is happy with her husband will get just as much out of sex as he will.
> 
> ...


OK. No offence, but unless you have birthed children, gone through all the hormone changes, have to cope with the drastic changes in your life AND your body and had to spend all day chasing kids around without a second to yourself, you just can't say what you said above with any validity.

I have read your article. It certainly has a lot of great posts but I feel some of it is sweeping generalizations that do not take a lot of outside factors that have nothing to do with the marriage, into account.

I don't think it is quite fair to people reading this who may believe every word of it and then feel there is something wrong in their marriage when in fact, there isn't, just outside life getting in the way.

My sex life is good. Since having another child (we have 5) making time for sex is tricky. I have no resentment, in fact, I will put money on the fact that we have one of the happiest marriages out of most people I know. That doesn't mean that if I suddenly stop having sex that it is a signal my marriage is in trouble. The one time that happened was due to mental health problems and plain tiredness. I spent all day running after kids and when we had time to ourselves we both wanted to chill right out and sleep. That can be the reality of parenting and that is totally normal.

The other time I went off sex was when I was insecure over my body after having a baby and my body shape changed. Again, nothing to do with my husband and everything to do with me.

You can't put people in tidy little boxes like you have attempted to do. People are complex and boiling it all down to a few things doesn't really work. 

I think you give some great insight, but I also think it might be a good idea to try and learn more about other reasons people go off sex, so those people can also read your article and find comfort in the fact that they are normal and nothing is wrong with their marriage. I think you do a great disservice when you do not touch on all aspects of sexual problems in marriage and focus on a FEW of the POSSIBLE problems.

I think it's worth doing a bit more research, probably from other websites that doesn't focus on mainly relationship problems. Most people with happy marriages are unlikely to come here and PM you. Talk to lots of women who are happy, have children, busy lives etc who are not having much sex and I bet you might find some more interesting facts 

Your research is based on a small group of people who are looking for help and advice, who probably are having marriage problems. It is hardly sound research and like I said, as a man you will simply not get some of this stuff and that's ok. 

I don't mean any disrespect. You are a great writer and I admire the work you have put in here. You seem compassionate and helpful, but I wanted any men here who are reading this to know that while the article is pretty good, you have barely touched on half of the different reasons sexless marriages come about. 

Putting people in tidy boxes just do not work.

Excuse any errors. I was rushing


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Mrs B-

Thanks for taking the trouble to respond, I've noticed you don't post often, and in view of your 5 kids we now know why!

I will come clean. That article is generalising. It is designed to help men who are creating most of the problem themselves. It does not address the other types of situations. However, I feel it covers the majority - the biggest single lump if you like. And I do differentiate about 7 different resentments.

The other thing I will come clean about is that I started this thread for one reason and one reason alone: To reassure women who's husbands don't desire them that it's almost certainly not their fault!

My main thesis is that in general, sexlessness in women is different to sexlessnes in men. And the damage to women seems worse, but that's just my hunch. Men tend to say "I'll leave when the kids are 18", where as women seem to feel less optimistic.

As that link to the sexless forum will show you in it's 1859 posts, there is not one woman who's self esteem did not plummet - often to the point where she can't bother to help herself.


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

it is rather a hard hit to your self worth when your hubby seems to not want anything to do with you.

But I do suspect that a lot of men would feel the same way. I guess part of that depends on personality types.

Mark, we were too tired last night, both of us, to try and hop on the wagon again. He didn't seem too hot and bothered because of the previous night of retaining his climax. But, we will keep on trying it. 

You know I've found that it's so hard for him to want sex, when we've got so much going, on, there are days when we run so hard, before we know it it's night , the kids are in bed, and he , or both of us are lying on the couch catatonic, from the long day.

It's hard having a 22 month old that runs non-stop, and an 11 year old that is in a magnet school program, has tons of school work, gymnastics, ballet, and piano.... Ahhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

we also have a very sick dog, he's our baby, and is on his last leg, we are trying to get the courage to say goodbye to him, he's our little Eng. Bulldog. So taking care of him till it's time, is a lot of work.

I tend to think that sex would be a great release and stress reliever, whereas he tends to get bogged down, and then the marriage or sex is the last thing on his mind.
But , we'll keep trying!  Life, gets hard sometimes, but ya roll with the punches I guess.  

I'm grateful for everyday that I'm here on Earth with my kids and hubby and family. So I guess as long as there's that, any other problem can be overcome. 

will keep updates


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## JasonL115 (Apr 27, 2009)

Very interesting and you are bang on correct about a sexless marriage caused by the man is almost impossible to fix. But I would disagree with your description of these men not liking sex. They may not like having sex with their wives but I think the vast majority are still sexually active, even if solo masturbation is their only outlet.

From my own experience I think sexual variety is the key to getting married men sexually aroused. Here is a link to an interesting essay about this:

The Science of Sex: Glenn Wilson on the Coolidge Effect


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## Unknown (Apr 26, 2009)

this is very depressing...i feel like my situation is helpless because of his stubborness to see a doctor or get counseling and i don't want to end my marriage...I'm prayng for a miracle!!


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Unknown said:


> this is very depressing...i feel like my situation is helpless because of his stubborness to see a doctor or get counseling and i don't want to end my marriage...I'm prayng for a miracle!!


But in your case, I thought you guys were doing it - just not very often?


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## Unknown (Apr 26, 2009)

MarkTwain said:


> But in your case, I thought you guys were doing it - just not very often?



No,....throughout our entire relationship we've never really done it..the most was probably 7 times within a month? It is really frustrating and we're both still young.

The last time i attempted to talk to him about it...he said it was because "we don't spend time together."...blah blah blah...he just has to find another reason to get me to do his hobbies because that's only when "spending time" counts.....

He also said he is stressed out about just things and thinks a lot so he forgots about "sex"......but seriously for 6 years?? it just doesn't make sense to me.

I personally thinks they're excuses...i've tried many times and always gets shut down...and yes, it makes me feel like I'm not pretty enough although men usually hit on me often.

In my relationship right now...I feel I can't find comfort in him because of how stubborn he is...so I am just not going care anymore.

Today, I woke up extra early, got the dog ready and went jogging!! I started the fitness thing!!


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Unknown-

Look I'm on your side, but lets keep things in proportion! 7 times a month is better than 7 times a year. However, 7 times a week is more to my liking. 

The point I am trying to get across is that at least you have something to work with. With good communication, you should be able to get things flowing better. However, a sexually lazy man will probably never respond fully without either an epiphany or an ultimatum. I certainly would not put up with six years of dull sex!


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

JasonL115 said:


> But I would disagree with your description of these men not liking sex. They may not like having sex with their wives but I think the vast majority are still sexually active, even if solo masturbation is their only outlet.


I agree, and that may point to the solution in your case...


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## NewtralHuman (Apr 24, 2009)

Was wondering: what is your relationship like generally speaking? Where do each of you stand in terms of the _dependence_, _inter-dependence_ and_ independence_ factor in your relationship?
Trying to understand whether the basis of your relationship is the _constant-cooperation_ extreme or the _constant-competition_ extreme.


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## reidqa01 (Apr 26, 2009)

New,

Your post is correct, what is the relationship dynamics.

We are going on 29 yrs now, we play sex games to add the hot pepper to the bedroom. These games have kept us fresh and vibrant.


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## Unknown (Apr 26, 2009)

MarkTwain said:


> Unknown-
> 
> Look I'm on your side, but lets keep things in proportion! 7 times a month is better than 7 times a year. However, 7 times a week is more to my liking.
> 
> The point I am trying to get across is that at least you have something to work with. With good communication, you should be able to get things flowing better. However, a sexually lazy man will probably never respond fully without either an epiphany or an ultimatum. I certainly would not put up with six years of dull sex!


You're persuaded me to try once more...It'll have to update you when time comes!!


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

this is really gonna get some women pizzed off but i have to verbalize my feelings on this, so here goes

i read some of the posts in the other forum that was mentioned on this thread and all of the ones on this thread. it just seems to me that women cannot be happy. i have alot of male friends that are married and just not getting sex. while they are all perfectly fit and able to provide it to their wives whenever and where ever, it just aint happening for them and they all don't understand why their wives just seem disinterested. now in most of these posts, the husbands aren't providing sex (at least thats what is stated) and these wives are going crazy because they are all so horny and unfulfilled. does this whole thing boil down to women just are never happy no matter what?

now i do have a few married friends that just get sex constantly and they are happy as can be. some of them cannot satisfy their wives with enough, but i would say it is less than 5%. i know i dont have a million friends so this is somewhat of a small sampling but it is just to common in the majority.

we are also barmbarded with male enhancement commercials all day everyday. apparently since these men had erectile disfunction issues it makes their women much hotter and willing so they take a pill and they are off and running. now flashback to the males (like me) that require no assistance with erections whatsoever and me along with those previously mentioned friends are left "hanging." 

maybe i should start a matchmaking service for all the men and women who aren't getting any, and match all the "i dont want its" together as well


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

okeydokie-
while I have never gotten to the bottom of why men go off sex, with women, there is no end of information.

The main reasons are resentment, self esteem and health and probably in that order. Read this article to the end, and tell me if you "fall down" in any of the areas covered: Sexless Marriage?


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

maybe your right, but i still think they are just never happy


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

okeydokie said:


> maybe your right, but i still think they are just never happy


My wife is happy. It was not always the case, but we have both learned to be better spouses.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

It can have something to do with the wife sometimes. Because men's primary sexual sense is the visual, a lack of sexual attraction can be a big reason for men to no longer want sex with their wives. In these situations, if sex is attempted, a lack of attraction will cause sub optimal levels of desire on the part of the man. Because a man's equipment is so sensitive to his mental state, sexual dysfunction if often the result which in turn turns him off even more.


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## Blonddeee (Dec 17, 2008)

I'm glad I left... thanks for that post... very much how I felt when he wasn't interested


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

i guess i'm just not interested in retaining my sperm. but i appreciate your efforts to disseminate your information.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

recent_cloud said:


> i guess i'm just not interested in retaining my sperm. but i appreciate your efforts to disseminate your information.


Well it's not for everybody. But a number of people on this forum have had good results


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## Mary5752 (Jun 9, 2009)

My husband and i have been married for 24 years. My husband has never had a strong sex drive, but in every other way he has always been a wonderful husband. When he went to our doctor (at my request), he found out he has ED. He received Levitra from the doctor to see if this would help. It has been six months since the doctor visit, and he has made no attempt to have sex. I don't know what to do, i have talked to him about this issue, but he will not give me any answers. He tells me that he loves me, and he is attracted to me, but he has no desire for sex. I have tried to be understanding, but he needs to realize that this is serious. How do i approach this issue so that he knows how deeply this is affecting me, i feel like i'm constantly hitting a brick wall here, and it's making me crazy?? Can anyone give me some helpful advice here?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Mary5752-

In my opinion, the only thing that works in this situation is an ultimatum. However, in order to issue an ultimatum, you have got to be pretty fed up...


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## 3dfan (Jun 12, 2009)

Thanks for a detailed info it is like a free consulting of my sex therapist!

free glitters


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## oldlady (Jun 20, 2009)

I guess I'm confused here. Are you saying if your husband isn't giving you any then its hopeless toss in the towel and move on?? 

I know if my husband were physically capable of sex we'd be fine- but its a medical condition and even the pills haven't helped. Its been over a year since he's even tried to do anything "for me" so I do feel like ya maybe I need to toss in the towel and call it quits. I feel emotionally bankrupt. There is no intimacy anymore. I guess because he can't perform he doesn't want to even try anymore. 

I just want to feel his touch. Then again its been so long I don't know if I want his touch- but any man will do at this point.

I was taking an anti depressant and recently weaned off it - now the depression from the lack of intimate contact has me thinking do I go back on the anti depressants just so I feel less unhappy. I was still unhappy on the anti depressants just not to this "crying at a drop of a hat" unhappy. I know want to tell hubby what I think of our marriage and that I just don't know if I want to stay with it. 

I know he loves me - but I don't know if I love him anymore.

I'd hate to throw away the 25 yrs we had but then again what is my future? I pretty much stay here for a place to live. We are so broke I probably couldn't afford an atty to file the papers for divorce anyway. I feel guilty for the $20 haircut yet he gets starbucks every day. I feel guilty for going to thrift stores for work clothes yet he's always buying new dvd's and Itunes. He bought me a card yesterday that blabbed on and on about how much he loves me - but I just want to say "wish it were mutual" 

Its really sad when you think all my frustration with this marriage is just from the lack of sex and physical intimacy. Sure we had money problems before, but sex helped relief that stress or at least make it not matter for the little time we connected. Now with out the connection all our problem issues are now all I can see.

I used to snuggle with him and hold him and he'd always take it but when he won't initiate a touch because he can't finish I stopped my attempts to want to be touched back.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

oldlady-

Are you saying he refuses to use his fingers on you, or perhaps purchase a strap-on etc.?


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## oldlady (Jun 20, 2009)

MT -- yes he doesn't touch me in any "sexual" way at all -- a kiss hellp goodbye used to hug me but now I'm lucky if he would hold me for 5 seconds. 

There is just no connection what so ever anymore.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

oldlady-

To what extent have you tired to discuss this with him? What have you actually asked him for?


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## oldlady (Jun 20, 2009)

I haven't discussed this with him at all -- I gave up on that last year after 5 months of me trying to snuggle and hold him etc.. and just feel like now why bother- I even had told him last year I had applied for a job in another state cause our marriage was a joke and if I got the job I'd send him money to pay the bills and mortgage and stuff - I mean its just what I do now I'm only here to pay my part of the bills. 

I'm gonna write out my thoughts today while I have the house to myself and can think without interruptions and see what happens after he gets home from work I guess.

I just can't believe he is so blind to this whole thing - I mean he he says he "wants" me but just because he can't do anything I guess that means I can't either?? I don't know. I guess I'm just in denial that it is over.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

I feel blessed we are older and do not make choices based on our gentials. My husband is also greatful I dont have the sex drive of a30 year old woman... and I am glad he doesn't have the sex drive of a 20 year old man.
We did not base our relationship on sex, but compatibility/ lifestyle and it is far better than any relationship I've been in or know of despite our dietary differences.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

oldlady-

It will be interesting to hear his response. I can understand you waiting patiently for a while, but being silent on the subject for a whole year has probably signalled your acceptance to him.

I await your next report.


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## Nengels87 (May 25, 2012)

MarkTwain - Basically I hear what you're saying is, if you're a woman with a man who's not interested, or not as interested as we are, don't bother? That seems a bit harsh, not what I was hoping for 

What if, like in my case, he's not gone off sex altogether, but just wants it much less frequently than I do (he wants it once a week tops, I want it once a day minimum)? He's ridiculously stressed out and overtired for many reasons (lack of sleep, work stress, caring for an ill person), to me sex is a great stress relief and I am always up for it, no matter what (I've got M.E. and was in hospital and yet I was up for it when he came to visit... when he quotes fatigue as an excuse it just makes me think 'what a wimp' grrrr).
Please tell me there's hope? He's my soul mate I want to fix this, badly. But I can feel the resentment build up, I get rejected several times a week and it hurts. When he finally comes round and tries to initiate sex I am so angry that I don't even want it anymore. So I end up rejecting him out of spite, even though my body is aching for it. Oh dear...


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

I completely disagree with your assumption about resentment being the primary cause of martial sexlessness when it is a LD wife.

I think for both men and women a common cause is biology as opposed to pure psychology. There is a concrete difference between the sexes in that it is not as easy for a LD male for "just go along" with sex when he is clearly not in the mood since he is unlikely to maintain an erection and will be more resistant to even start.

In my view people over-estimate the rational basis for their feelings and attitudes. Most of us prefer to think of ourselves as primarily rational and our emotional reactions to the outside world justified and reasonable responses. But to a large degree I think many of our emotional states and even our decisions are non-rational and the actual root causes are not apparent to even ourselves. The "reptilian" portion of our brain plays a huge role in our emotional states and our decision making and it has been frequently shown that for the most part we are just guessing at why we react they way we do.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Zombie thread alert... Just saying...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

PBear said:


> Zombie thread alert... Just saying...
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


D'oh!!! I hate when that happens


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Lionelhutz said:


> D'oh!!! I hate when that happens


Still... good answer though!


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

MarkTwain said:


> I had the benefit of a mentor to help me with this, and I am happy to do the same. You can't just make it up as you go along, it takes some fine tuning.
> 
> One of the benefits by the way is more energy and the ability to laugh at stress. It's also made me more of a "tough guy" - which my wife seems to like. If he takes to is, he may well want sex every day, and get irritable if he does not get it - this technique can make a little testosterone go a long way
> 
> Be careful what you wish for


The last time my husband and I had sex, he didn't cum and thats been 25-26 days ago and he's had zero interest in sex, so I don't think senen retention works
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Nengels87 said:


> When he finally comes round and tries to initiate sex I am so angry that I don't even want it anymore. So I end up rejecting him out of spite, even though my body is aching for it. Oh dear...


Well that does not help. You should work on swallowing your resentment whenever he does finally agree to sex, and just enjoy the experience - otherwise it will be hard to break out of the cycle.


However, the fact that he _occasionally _ (rather than never) wants sex with you, is a good sign. It means you have something to work with.


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## mommyowl (Oct 15, 2012)

Can you update your website or previous articles?

This fits in with what I have written here: Sexless Marriage?

If it were your husband posting this, I would simply tell him to read this: Integrating our dark side. E-satsang by Mark But I have no idea how to help you to help him have more grit! Except you could try telling him


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## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

I've now been with two men like this, the first my ex partner, no sex drive what so ever, didn't matter what i did and i always had to initiate, as for my estranged husband well he started off well, i suppose that was bait, then nothing but that's to be expected from a narcissistic personality.

Both men didn't like kissing, liked basic sex in only one position most of the time, normally me on top, no foreplay, no oral for me ever. 

I never felt resentment or spite i just craved sexual pleasure.

As a woman i did blame myself and you question how desirable you are, as you think you can't possibly be so, as you've been rejected for so long by the end.

That's why i find semi nude or full or would be called sexual pictures of myself amusing :rofl: They mean nothing to me.

Third time lucky i hope.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Too bad people don't utilize sex therapy more. Often when a man has ED he gets ashamed and avoids his wife due to this shame, rather than trying to work on the problem.


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## appletree (Oct 9, 2012)

OK the thread was about the difference between men and women not wanting sex with their spouses. Mark Twain said that in case of men it is always the "fault" of men and thus not fixable. However this "fault" can have an array of reasons like:
- medical, stress, substance abuse etc.
- rigid religious upbringing, other childhood traumas etc.
- problems with intimacy in general
- physical or emotional abuse in childhood
- poor self esteem
- never felt attraction for partner
- troubles in relationship
- anxiety that he can't perform
- .....more or a mixture of different reasons.
While most of these issues are hard to address, my guess is that there are men who can overcome these issues (if not, all psychologists would be useless). So, does Mark Twain and others think that, when problems mentioned above or any others you can think of are addressed and worked through then the desire still does not come back?
I think there is a difference between a LD partner and a partner who has psychological issues. I would not throw everything in one single drawer.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

BULL sh*t!!!!!!


there no one size fit all to the question of why men don't want to have sex with their wives. and men can find sexuall fullfillment after not because of resentment from the past in their relationship.


men and women go off sex with their spouces because of the same reasons. and resentment is the biggest reason.

if your husband anit banging you , first rule out any medical problems and then if hes healthy then look in the mirror. could be your weight could be your general attitude could be your sexual attitude....do you give head do you ask what he likes are you a bit*ch when things go wrong. 

eventually most men who are with a selfish women inside and outside the bedroom wake up and say I'm not attracted to a bi*ch.


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## appletree (Oct 9, 2012)

You are telling it's the woman's fault that's the same nonsense. It is often the men, who has his own problems, i.e. many men (and women) can't stay in a commited realtionship for a longer time.
If this male doesn't sort out HIS issues h will loose the attraction to her soon. (Weather that comes back after the treatment that is the question)
Resentment must not be resentment towards the partner, it is possible that there is resentment against all women.
My suspicion too is that low T-levels might not be the cause of sexual problems but the effect. Hormone levels are nothing fix and things can change naturally. My guess is that if you are very attracted to someone, the level rise.


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

MarkTwain said:


> mommy22-
> 
> You have a point, but I was I must admit, generalizing about the main differences. I'm talking about guys who go off sex about six months after moving in together or getting married. I have held back form doing this, but I am going to link to a forum that has collected all these women in one place. I can only go there for 1/2 hour max, before I get too upset. If Chris H. wants to get rid of the link, I will understand.
> 
> ...


It's a depressing subject even if your not in it, to put it in your head...


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