# Need guy's opinion...separation...



## anonymiss (Jul 20, 2011)

Me: 29yrs old, meager job, attractive, assertive, responsible, deeply committed, hard working...then there's demanding, pushy, disrespectful, emasculating, distant, depressed, NOT intimate...and probably more. (I was raised by my dad only, so not raised to be a woman, let alone a wife -- just realizing)

Him: 27yrs old, self employed painter, very attractive, very hard working, committed, loving, patient, kind, selfless, helpful, passionate, intimate...then there's volatile at times, hostile, aggressive sometimes...(mostly only brought on by me) He was raised by both parents, knows the parts of man and wife, saw his parents go though hell and come out ok to this day. 

So we've gotten to a crossroads after being married for 7 years. We hastily got married, and had some serious downs between the ups...no kids.

We almost went through with divorce about a month ago, but talked about a lot and made progress. We've had an excellent month with me making some very big changes which he commended and appreciated, and him as well making some effort too although Im taking a lot of blame. Well, we had a setback, tried to get past it, but there is still a lot of hurt looming over us. So middle of last week he mentions staying away for a few days maybe a week, maybe two... I was confused and was kinda opposed at first, but decided that making him stay was worse, so I just became OK with it. He said his intentions are to come home, that he needs to clear his head and find peace. I asked him if he wanted to feel about us like he used to, and he said about us, about me, about himself..... so he left saturday evening, and said for me to txt him. I did and told him me texting him wasn't gonna do any good if he was looking for space, so if he wanted to text me, he could, but I was not going to initiate convo with him. So he txtd me sunday, wanted to see how I was holding up(he knows ive been a teary wreck) said he'd call later blah blah blah... he txtd me sunday nite saying he was depressed and all he wanted to do was sleep. Im trying not to be so concerned, and just say Im here if you want to talk and I hate to see you hurting...Im trying to keep my distance since that is what he wanted. Then monday he texted me and asked if we could do a lunch date. Lunch date was amazing, like a real date, fun, sweet, flirtaciuos...Lastnight he had to come to the house to get some work stuff, and the emotion was GONE. maybe because it was home and he wasn't staying? I dont know. He texted me when he was in for the night and I said lunch was really sweet and nice, and it felt really good for us to be so peaceful and sweet and calm with eachother. He said it "no doubt calm great" . then he calls me at 3 am to say goodnight, again I said the way we were at lunch was great, and it finally felt right again, and he said "that's what this is all about"

My question --- 
Does it really sound like he just wants space or is this the first steps in full blown separation?(this is not the irrational divorce behavior i saw a month earlier)
Do guys really need to retreat when things get this stressful? (I read Men are from mars Women from Venus and that was my understanding)

Any guy insight is helpful. I have no family or friends to confide in, this is the closest I can get to advice from anyone other than dad, who just says RUN.... and sorry to clutter your room with my drama


*** I have to add that when the divorce was imminent and I had some time to think about a lot of things this is what I told myself::: All of this could have been prevented. If I have to move on and start over there are things that I will do different in the next relationship. If Husband and I work things out and we have a second chance, I will do everything in my power from that day forward to be the wife and woman that I want to be and he needs me to be. ***


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## anonymiss (Jul 20, 2011)

bump --- help


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## mr.miketastic (Aug 5, 2010)

I am not so sure this is a guy thing per se. I am a stubborn, relentless man sometimes, so I can't just get space without somehow coming to a resolution of some kind. It seems that he is a creative type, and they tend to be pretty sensitive and can get overstimulated. I wouldn't worry so much about it. I know I could never stay away from an awesome woman


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

I have to agree with Mr. Miketastic, although I'm not a guy. He sounds like he's just a very "feeling" kind of person and has probably gotten overwhelmed by the recent upheaval and needs to sort it out without it being constantly re-visited. 

My husband and I have done this several times, where we just needed space from whatever was "stirring" in our house. Okay, maybe I just needed space. I have a pretty quick temper sometimes and when I feel like I'm constantly irritated by a situation, I know it's better to get some space for a couple of days until I get myself back under control. Kind of like an emotional mosquito bite I need to stop scratching, lol. It doesn't sound like he feels quite that way, but needs the same kind of time.

Have you ever read "Little Women"? Your posts kind of make me think of one of the characters in that book. It's a classic--they've made movies of it at least twice I know of, but it's not the same. One of the sisters, Jo, has a lot of "tomboyish" traits and eventually meets a much gentler man. It might be worth a read, just as a "sisters-in-arms" kind of thing, if nothing else. The author identified most closely with that character when she wrote it, went on to write another book about her even, so it's a very realistic point of view.


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## anonymiss (Jul 20, 2011)

mr.miketastic said:


> I am not so sure this is a guy thing per se. I am a stubborn, relentless man sometimes, so I can't just get space without somehow coming to a resolution of some kind. It seems that he is a creative type, and they tend to be pretty sensitive and can get overstimulated. I wouldn't worry so much about it. I know I could never stay away from an awesome woman


He has such great people skills, and he can read me like an open book. I, on the other hand do not, and I don't know what he's feeling or thinking right now. SO when we talked about how nice our date was, he said "see, that's what this is all about" I have no idea WTF that means... He says he loves me and is sorry that things are like this. Im just frustrated and lost. I have no family and NO friends.


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## mr.miketastic (Aug 5, 2010)

I am going to be honest and say that he made one of the most cryptic statements ever.
With some people you have to ask then to just freaking say it. I know in my own relationship, sometimes she has to say it homespun simple for me, because even though there are some times when I am insightful, other times I just can't do the whole mind-reading thing.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

anonymiss said:


> He has such great people skills, and he can read me like an open book. I, on the other hand do not, and I don't know what he's feeling or thinking right now. SO when we talked about how nice our date was, he said "see, that's what this is all about" I have no idea WTF that means... He says he loves me and is sorry that things are like this. Im just frustrated and lost. I have no family and NO friends.


That last line should really have you taking a look in the mirror.


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## anonymiss (Jul 20, 2011)

cryptic statements?

he also told me on the phone sunday night that he had not completely given up on us.

*confused beyond words*


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## anonymiss (Jul 20, 2011)

look in the mirror? can't you just speak english? im so confused and lost, and hurt, I can handle some brutal honesty


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## mr.miketastic (Aug 5, 2010)

Maybe he is trying to say in a very roundabout way that absence makes the heart grow fonder.


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## anonymiss (Jul 20, 2011)

When we were first talking about him leaving for a while, he also said its either going to be the means to an end or the beginning of something wonderful and he was hoping for the latter... 
I guess this is all just really hard because I miss the little things about him and going home to an empty house has really hit 'home' for me. 

I made a notebook for my thoughts so that I could see in black and white what I was thinking/feeling. Each page has a title:
Things I love about you
Things about you that drive me crazy(bad)
Who I want to be as a wife
What I want us to feel like as a couple
What I do NOT want in marriage
I want us to feel like.....

What Im writing is surprising even me.


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## boutrosboutros (Sep 10, 2010)

anonymiss said:


> look in the mirror? can't you just speak english? im so confused and lost, and hurt, I can handle some brutal honesty


I think what he means is: you said you have no family and NO friends.

Why don't you have any friends? It sounds like a cruel question but I don't mean it that way.


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## boutrosboutros (Sep 10, 2010)

PS, for what it's worth, when he said "That's what this is all about" it sounds to me like he was trying to say, "This is the reason why we're doing this", i.e. he thinks that the separation is working and you should keep at it. Just my take on it.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

anonymiss said:


> *** I have to add that when the divorce was imminent and I had some time to think about a lot of things this is what I told myself::: All of this could have been prevented. If I have to move on and start over there are things that I will do different in the next relationship. If Husband and I work things out and we have a second chance, I will do everything in my power from that day forward to be the wife and woman that I want to be and he needs me to be. ***


It sounds like you're both wanting to make this work. He said he wanted space for a week or two and he's still been in touch with you each day and invited you to lunch. His response towards you has sounded positive. Maybe some short-term distance between you can help give some healthy perspective on everything that's been going on. Keep working on yourself and reflecting on what kind of changes you can make. 

I am puzzled by a couple of things you wrote though. Why did you hastily marry? Why does your dad say RUN?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

anonymiss said:


> When we were first talking about him leaving for a while, he also said its either going to be the means to an end or the beginning of something wonderful and he was hoping for the latter...


As hard as it might be, try to let go of the anxiety of whether he's going to be in your life or not.


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## anonymiss (Jul 20, 2011)

BOUTROS - yes, I have no friends. I have acquaintances, but nothing past that. im an ISTJ or ISTP. I keep to myself. family, well, thats simple. i dont have any, just my dad and he's an OTR truck driver i see every few months. we just talk on the phone from time to time.


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## anonymiss (Jul 20, 2011)

heartsbreaking -- anxiety is killing me. i just want this all to go away, let the past be the past, move on make this marriage better. We're not stupid or ignorant people, just going through a tough time, and I just want to be a good person and be loved. Anxiety over whether any of my good intentions will happen --- hard to get rid of. I try, but sometimes i just break down, and im tired of crying in the bathroom at work with the toilet. it is not good company.


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## anonymiss (Jul 20, 2011)

TOday he needed two things from the house and I offered to bring them and drop them off somewhere(where we didn't have to meet in person) and he said i could bring them now to where he was. We talked for a few mins, and he said "you seem pleasant" (of course, I was looking sweet in short shorts and tank top) and I said yeah, Im good, how about you? are you pleasant? and he kinda just looked away and said...Im just really busy(which he is with work) I said "that's good...and I did want to tell you that I think this time apart is really good for us." we both had on sunglasses, so I have no idea what his response was. I was nervous enough just to say it, but Im just going along with all his crap right now even though it hurts like hell. so i helped him carry the things and he showed me his job for a few and i did manage to get a little hug. He says, "you're so little, are you eating?" blah blah blah..... when we were parting, he said "call me." so I said "that defeats the purpose, if you wanna talk, you call me" with a cute smile.


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## anonymiss (Jul 20, 2011)

So he did call. He called at 2something in the morning! Said he'd fallen asleep and woke up and realized he hadn't called. That in itself was an effort. Of course I was dead asleep and can barely remember our convo, He sounded broken and sad, but I do remember him saying that I sound different, and I asked how-so, he said, "you sound like your old self, you sound young again". (while im dead to the world tired, but we were laughing about something) Where he is staying is not peaceful, and he's not getting peace or rest, so he's thinking about going to his parents(HUGE step in a good direction)


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

anonymiss said:


> look in the mirror? can't you just speak english? im so confused and lost, and hurt, I can handle some brutal honesty


There's a reason why you don't have any friends.

I'd get about addressing it.

Individual counseling would be a good first step.


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## anonymiss (Jul 20, 2011)

I dont have friends because I dont feel im on anywhere near the same page as other people. I feel distant, like everyone else is in LA LA Land and I'm here on earth busting my butt to take care of house, horse, 9 acres, garden, dog, yard, laundry, 2 cats, dishes, husband, husbands business if he needs help, and work 40 hours, and make time for myself, and to take care of myself. We live in a small rural area. There aren't many my age, etc to choose from. The ones that I am kinda friends with brush off all responsibility or STILL live at home, and have all the free time in the world to have fun and have a life. I have no life. Work/Home. that's my life. Husband knows I feel this way, that's why 2 weeks ago we got Season Passes to Busch Gardens, because we both need a break from around here.

Im sure you will see this as excuses why not, when I should be making excuses why I should... I'm good at that. :/


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Sounds like it's all about you.

Not a really good sign.

I really think you'd benefit from individual therapy.


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## anonymiss (Jul 20, 2011)

Ya think??

my other post -> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/29046-backing-down-being-alpha-female.html


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## boutrosboutros (Sep 10, 2010)

anonymiss said:


> So he did call. He called at 2something in the morning! Said he'd fallen asleep and woke up and realized he hadn't called. That in itself was an effort. Of course I was dead asleep and can barely remember our convo, He sounded broken and sad, but I do remember him saying that I sound different, and I asked how-so, he said, "you sound like your old self, you sound young again". (while im dead to the world tired, but we were laughing about something) Where he is staying is not peaceful, and he's not getting peace or rest, so he's thinking about going to his parents(HUGE step in a good direction)


Leaving aside the other stuff it's clear he wants to be with you and work on things. Otherwise he wouldn't be calling and saying nice things to you. I'd feel positive if I were you!


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## anonymiss (Jul 20, 2011)

His dad talked to him a bit and H said he does still love me. (not sure about the In Love thing though) His dad said "why don't you just go home and work things out?" H response, he's just not ready.

He stopped by the house lastnight for just a minute, had a great hair cut I complimented. I was on the porch, he asked if I had anything to drink, I hopped right up to go in and get it, and he said "don't worry im not coming inside" I brought him some tea, and he told me a little about work. He played with the dog for a few mins(he keeps telling me he misses Max) I said if you want some alone time to play with Max, I could run to the store(15 mins?) and he said, " no thats ok, I'll leave" and he left on his motorcycle...sped off...
I texted him and said I didn't mean to offend him, and wish he would have stayed. He said " yeah, it's all good. Have a nice evening -name- ill talk to you later tonight if I dont just go to sleep." I said "if youd like to call you know I'd love to hear from you. " he said OK.

I said Sweet dreams at 11 pm. he said "been asleep on parents couch since 830."

Its so hard to be optimistic when I go to sleep and wake up alone. He knows I have issues about being alone...But i guess that's the whole point of this is... while it may be some self discovery or reflection for him it feels like cruel torture to me.


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## ManDup (Apr 22, 2011)

COUNSELING. Do it. No shame in it, and it's not that expensive to get a few sessions.


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## anonymiss (Jul 20, 2011)

I have an appt with an excellent pastor on Monday at 11.


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## anonymiss (Jul 20, 2011)

well, he tried calling and i missed the call. I texted
"saw where you called"
he said "there is $$$ in the back if you need to pay anything."
I said OK. 
he said "how are you?"
i said "decent. u?" 
he said "hungover as f*** going back to sleep LOL"
i said "aww hope you feel better". 
he said " it is what it is"
Me - It is that...

Im dying. This time two weeks ago we were at Busch Gardens like newlyweds. This time last week he was packing his things. Now...this...
My heart is in a million pieces. I just want to DIE.


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## upset/confused (Jul 26, 2011)

It sounds like he does want it to work, just not sure if he knows how. Ego's get in the way. My H, wanted a separation, so we are working on week 2 now. I as well want to die. He calls me once in awhile, but most times I have the kids answer the phone and then leave so Im not around to speak to him. That is the point of a separation right? No interaction so that you have space? I am still trying to do the 180. Im not sure if it is working.

I tried being nice, made things more stressful, so about face. Today is his first day with the kids since he moved out. 

We see the therapist again tomorrow and that anxiety is killing me. I have no idea of what to expect. When I asked my H how long he wanted to separate, just some sort of timeframe, he didn't know. So am I suppose to hang onto "I don't know"? I have no patience for that. I proposed 2 weeks and then re-evaluating then if more time is needed and go from there but he won't consider that.

Anonymiss, you story seems positive to me from the outside looking in. I hope things continue upward for you. I will be following you.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

I'll take stab at whay you said about yourself....disrespectful and emasculating. You seem to have the ability to be self critical. Understand that a man will only put up with this for so long. Guys don't want to get in a sword fight with their spouse. 

You may find that your H resents you becasue of these issues. I think you have the right attidtude to make it right and I am hoping that he is willing to give it another shot. 

Now, have you told your husband that you admit you have been these things in your relationship? Hoping for the best, good luck.


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## anonymiss (Jul 20, 2011)

Im just so scared there's more to the story that I don't know. I do know Ive pushed him, but never knew it could lead to this. Im so afraid there's someone else, or something else going on and Im paranoid at the outcome. Just sick to my stomach when I wake up in the morning and realize he's not there and that today might be the day I find out its over. I wish I could go to sleep and wake up when it's over either way and not have to feel anything in between.
Strange cooincidences got me scared...


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