# Fear of marriage



## kensington (May 8, 2012)

Never posted on a message board for advice before, but I don't know where to turn and who to talk to. I found this web site in desperation after googling for advice about fear of marriage. 

So, I've been dating the perfect woman for me for a year. I love her so much, and she loves me. I was already feeling that I had finally met the woman I wanted to marry after a couple of months into our relationship. A few months after that, we mutually started talking about a future together, including marriage and kids. In the last few months, I've hinted that I would like to pop the question soon.

The problem is, in the last couple of weeks, I've started having crippling, last-minute fears about getting married that literally fill me with middle-of-night dread.. How do I get over this? What do they mean? Am I right to be afraid? Does anyone else go through this? How did you deal with it?

To start off the bat, here is what I'm absolutely NOT afraid of:
- I'm not fearful that I picked the wrong woman. I can't imagine finding someone I love more and is better for me. We are physically, emotionally, and spiritually connected.
- I'm not fearful about being with one woman physically for the rest of my life.

I'm now in my 30s (so is she). Before I met this woman, I had commitment issues with previous girlfriends, though I did not get as far in my feelings for them as I have with my current girlfriend. In fact, throughout my 20s, I often thought if I probably would never agree to get married to anyone and, for full disclosure, even said that to some of my casual girlfriends. The popular media images of marriage was and is just so negative. (Reading the horror stories on web sites like this one doesn't help.) It seemed that marriage was a sucker's game, a way for women to trap a man into providing security and sperm (not necessarily maliciously but because they have a biological clock and fall in love too), while often making a man's life miserable forever because men's needs are then often ignored or denigrated. I couldn't understand why so many men foolishly jumped in when no one was putting a gun to their head, especially after hearing all the stories about how unhappy all the henpecked and nagged men who were already married often are. Who would voluntarily subscribe to a "ball and chain??" Is there a single man alive who doesn't know that's how most men describe being married?

I wrote a list tonight of what I'm most afraid of. Here it is:
- loss of personal freedom and autonomy; having to run everything by my wife for her approval or permission forever.
- having my wife's personality change and turn unrecognizable after marriage, and her turning me into the henpecked, nagged, and unrespected dope that you hear so much about.
- severe depression from feeling resigned to the loss of my former life.
- loss of physical intimacy over time if my wife loses interest in sex.
- expense of raising children.
- the feminine takeover of everything in life: social life reduced to boring gatherings with other couples or with my wife's girlfriends. Being forced to fake concern for things that don't interest me at all, like home furnishing and cooking ware. Having my own interests denigrated or ignored.
- feeling of no escape, except for an expensive divorce (and alimony).

Reading this over, I sound as if I'm a self-centered jerk, but I truly am not. My logical self tells me it is what every thoughtful but lovesick guy with an ounce of intelligence remaining should consider before taking the plunge. I think it would be even more self-centered to go forward, and drag an innocent person into your abyss of doubt, without addressing these fears. I want so much to make my potential future wife as happy as she can be because I love her so much. I see that as my number one job, and am eager to romance her and cater to her happiness for the rest of my days. The problem is, the logical part of me is fearful that right now, my brain being consumed with love is causing me to fall into the same trap as so many men before me. 

Am I right, or am I wrong? Do I take a chance, or do I steer clear of a reckless gamble?

This is not one-sided gambit. I look forward to marriage too - a lot. Here is what I look forward to: 
- being connected with someone special throughout life.
- growing old with said person.
- having a family.
- physical and emotional intimacy.
- caring for and being cared for by someone who means so much to me, for life.

I know that if we broke up due to my fears today, I would immediately feel I made a huge mistake and possibly beg for forgiveness. But supposing I didn't, I would eventually repair my wounds and move on, and possibly avoid the things I fear most. 

Do I talk about these fears with her? Is it a bad idea? Do I just suck them up and bite the bullet?

Please help!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

K,
I have some posts for you to read and some books as well. Let me start with this observation though:

BEFORE you get married, you should have a series of constructive conversations about what is important to you, and what YOU will need to have a happy marriage. And each of those discussions should be "two way". You speak, she speaks. This isn't some "theory from a book". My W of 22+ years and I DID that before marriage. With that as context I will address your specific fears below. 

I wrote a list tonight of what I'm most afraid of. Here it is:
- loss of personal freedom and autonomy; having to run everything by my wife for her approval or permission forever.
*This didn't happen to EITHER of us because neither of us would tolerate it. We are in a partnership, not a parent/child or master/servant arrangement. My W IS strong willed. She does "fitness test" me. Humor, tenacity, determination and the willingness to rapidly deprioritize her if she is getting out of control all factor into why this hasn't happened.*

- having my wife's personality change and turn unrecognizable after marriage, and her turning me into the henpecked, nagged, and unrespected dope that you hear so much about.
*I have a 5 page post on the most common areas to pay attention to and avoid the "creeping erosion" of respect. If you pay attention and are firm and in control of your emotions you will be fine*

- severe depression from feeling resigned to the loss of my former life.
*You will give some things up - and get some things in return. Be a good sport about what you lose, and very firm about what you expect from the marriage*

- loss of physical intimacy over time if my wife loses interest in sex.
*Read Athol Kay's book entitled "Married Man Sex Life" it is priceless*

- expense of raising children.
*You need to discuss AND AGREE ON managing money or you will end up tense, broke and divorced*

- the feminine takeover of everything in life: social life reduced to boring gatherings with other couples or with my wife's girlfriends. Being forced to fake concern for things that don't interest me at all, like home furnishing and cooking ware. Having my own interests denigrated or ignored.
*This is solely a function of what you allow. If you don't enforce boundaries this WILL happen. If you do, it won't*

- feeling of no escape, except for an expensive divorce (and alimony). *You need to be willing to define boundaries which if violated consistently mean you will leave the marriage. IF you do that, divorce is less likely. Other than that, you will have substantial financail exposure*


Reading this over, I sound as if I'm a self-centered jerk, but I truly am not. My logical self tells me it is what every thoughtful but lovesick guy with an ounce of intelligence remaining should consider before taking the plunge. I think it would be even more self-centered to go forward, and drag an innocent person into your abyss of doubt, without addressing these fears. I want so much to make my potential future wife as happy as she can be because I love her so much. I see that as my number one job, and am eager to romance her and cater to her happiness for the rest of my days. The problem is, the logical part of me is fearful that right now, my brain being consumed with love is causing me to fall into the same trap as so many men before me. 

*The TRAP couldn't be any simpler. In pursuit mode, you do way more for her, than she does for you. If you get engaged and marry you MUST transition to a "steady state" where YOU matter as much as she does. This can be done, however it requires a short list of attributes: exceptional self control, a sense of humor to deal with her "me me me" behavior which will appear over time, a titanium steel spine, a warm heart (for her) and giant brass balls*

The spine is what enables you to assert your boundaries. The brass balls are needed for when she is off the rails and needs to be reminded that for the mariage to continue, you need HER behavior to change. The heart is to choose to love her, even when she is behaving badly. And the *restraint* is about reducing the mean things, and the loving things you want to share but choose not to, because she is being unfair to you.

If you want my links, let me know and I will post them. 




kensington said:


> Never posted on a message bojard for advice before, but I don't know where to turn and who to talk to. I found this web site in desperation after googling for advice about fear of marriage.
> 
> So, I've been dating the perfect woman for me for a year. I love her so much, and she loves me. I was already feeling that I had finally met the woman I wanted to marry after a couple of months into our relationship. A few months after that, we mutually started talking about a future together, including marriage and kids. In the last few months, I've hinted that I would like to pop the question soon.
> 
> ...


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## kensington (May 8, 2012)

MEM11363, thank you so much for that perspective! I'm feeling more at ease already. I would really appreciate it if you could post your links.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> K,
> a titanium steel spine, a warm heart (for her) and giant brass balls[/B]


:lol: That makes me think of a giant statue/robot for some reason...


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

A lot of what you are looking for can be accomplished by talking to your fiancee/gf and let her know where you boundaries lie... then just man up and don't back off from your agreed boundaries.

I've been married nearly 15 years... I'm by no means henpecked or feeling I'm missing out on anything (aside from the sex life I dreamed of... but in my case there are medical issues at play).

As for kids, I was given one bit of advice from my father-in-law which I still think was great advice:

"If you wait until you can afford kids you'll never have them".

I have 4 now, and I'm happy we didn't wait long to start having kids.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/27179-boundary-testing-handbook.html#post352124




kensington said:


> MEM11363, thank you so much for that perspective! I'm feeling more at ease already. I would really appreciate it if you could post your links.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Being "hot" during the chase is normal. Staying "hot" through a marriage is suffocating for your partner.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/21278-thermostat-ultimate-barometer-your-r.html




kensington said:


> MEM11363, thank you so much for that perspective! I'm feeling more at ease already. I would really appreciate it if you could post your links.


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## occasionallybaffled (Apr 12, 2012)

MEM11363, I'm actually looking forward to being married, but your responses gave me some great conversational tools to use with the SO.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Occassionally,
The biggest mistake men make is believing that AFTER they get married, they can successfully address patterns of behavior they really dislike and/or think are unfair. 

I am STUNNED by the lack of triangulation performed before getting engaged and during the critical period of time during engagement and prior to getting married. And really it is simple stuff. How does she treat you compared to:
1. The way your good friends treat you
2. The way she wants/insists that you treat her
3. The way SHE treats her best friends

If overall it is comparable - you are in a great place. To the degree it differs - figure out specifically what is different, and address it. 

As for sex - I sort of lucked out - and sort of had a good sense for what made for a compatible partner. A BIG factor in a long term sexual relationship is the recognition of differences driven by having/not having a lot of testosterone. 

At the start my W was as crazy about wanting/having sex as I was. AND it is also true that as kids arrived and her drive dropped she did some honest assessment which was something like this: 
- My H does a long list of stuff to make my life better
- He has a short list of things that he needs in order to feel loved - sex is near the top of that list - I need to make an effort to keep it near the top of mine 

And that meant relaxing and letting me get her in the mood on the many, many nights where she started out in "neutral". 

If the lower desire LD - partner has a mindset of "if I don't start out in the mood we aren't having sex" - the HD partner slowly loses their mind. THAT conversation is worth having at the point you are both deciding whether to marry. If you are with someone who is chronically "me me me" be very careful. Because those people tend to turn into "me and the kids, me and the kids" partners. And that is a slow motion train wreck. 

I am very, very blessed. I have a wife who is fully capable of flipping a switch and going into a "it's all about you" mode. I am not sure you can teach that. But you can generally tell if it exists or not well before you walk down the aisle....













occasionallybaffled said:


> MEM11363, I'm actually looking forward to being married, but your responses gave me some great conversational tools to use with the SO.


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## bellagirl (May 9, 2012)

I am married to a guy just like you. If you have commitment issues, getting married doesn't fix them. You will just find ways to create distance in your marriage to deal with your anxiety with being close.

I would STRONGLY recommend talking with a therapist before you pop the question. I would also talk with your girlfriend about it. There is a book called "Getting to Commitment" by Steve Carter that is pretty good. But a therapist is probably better.

I am glad you recognize that you have an issue and that you can see the pattern you have had in your relationships to fear commitment. Work on this before you tie the knot!!

By the way, nobody is "perfect", not even your girlfriend. If that is the expectation you have, you are bound to be disappointed.

Good luck!


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## jameskimp (May 8, 2012)

Its a huge gamble you are taking, I don't know if one year is enough time to truly "know" the other person.


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## domah (May 18, 2012)

The risks and costs of divorce far out weight any benefit of marriage for men. I mean by a huge margin. The fear you are experiencing is your subconscious mind telling you that you what you already know. 

Don't fool yourself, no amount of _preparation_ or analysis of her behavior traits can guarantee a successful marriage. People change, circumstances change. The only constant in life is change. Some day in the future, she may decide she doesn't want to be with you, or you may decide you don't want to be with her. If she's vindictive, she can force you into a life-long servitude and financial ruin. 

Read more about Marriage 2.0 and as a rational and intelligent man, you can only come to the same conclusion.

Remember, you can still have a family, grow old together and love each other without marriage.


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