# Am I overreacting?



## anon687 (Apr 15, 2012)

This is my first post, but I really needed some advice. My husband and I have only been married for 9 months. We got married then had a lot of financial trouble and had to move in with my mother. In January he couldn't cope anymore and decided he wanted to leave me. He didn't want a divorce, but I didn't want to be separated forever so I got divorce papers that were never turned in because I really thought that we'd work it out. He wanted to leave because "he didn't deserve me" and he wanted to "grow up and work on his issues so he could be better". 

A month later he decided he loved me too much to be apart and wanted to get back together. And I said yes. I had been wanting to get back together since he left and he knew that. The whole time we were separated he still told me how much he loved me and that he just wanted to work on himself (it's almost laughable now). So we get back together but I lay down some conditions for myself. It probably seems silly but one of the things I wanted was a love letter. He agreed to everything. 

Now it's just 2 months after he came back and he tells me he slept with someone soon after we had separated. It was a friend he had in high school and it was conveniently her going away party before she moved to another state. I don't know that I can believe anything he says. He says they didn't exchange phone numbers, that they haven't seen each other since, and that she doesn't even live here anymore. While we were separated we had an agreement that we wouldn't see or sleep with anyone until we were officially divorced.

He feels awful for what he's done, but I don't know if I can do this. We've been together almost three years but all this has happened in less than a year of marriage. We were separated but that wasn't my choice. I feel that if I did initiate the separation that I might feel differently, but I don't know that for sure. I don't know if I can take this anymore. I feel disgusting and like our whole relationship is tarnished. And he didn't work on any of my "conditions" like he promised. We went out less, not more. We saw each other less, and he didn't even write a single letter. He said he wanted to but all he could think about was what he had done to me.

He says he wants to get help (he needs it because he is incredibly selfish, but I stupidly looked past it), and that he doesn't want me to make a decision until he does, but I feel like I already have. It's all too much for me, and he has ruined my ability to trust anyone. I find it so odd how much I love and hate him at the same time. I don't know what I feel more strongly. I feel so humiliated by what he has done. I'm so angry that I wish everyone we knew would hear about this and alienate him for hurting me this much, but I know his friends wouldn't. Even though they're who I want it from the most. I want him to hurt so much because of how much he hurt me. Or should I let it go because we were separated at the time? Mind you, we were separated one month, and his indiscretion happen in the middle of that. OH and we were still sleeping together pretty much the whole time we were separated.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You are not overreacting. He cheated on you. He had promissed to not be with anyone else, he was still having sex with you. And then he cheated.

I really doubt that he only had one encounter with her or someone else. Do you know who she is? Is she a single girl? Or is she married?

Since he has not done anything to help rebuild your trust in him, he is truely not taking this very seriously. 

Does he use the computer much? Do you have access to his cell phone?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Not overreacting.

You mention divorce papers - how did that play into this?

Did he know about them before he cheated?

If he knew about them, what did he know?

That you had them and were going to use them?

Or that you had them but you were never going to actually fill them out or file them? (Would anyone actually believe this?)

*he didn't work on any of my "conditions" like he promised. We went out less, not more. We saw each other less, and he didn't even write a single letter.*

It's not just the cheating. This may even be more troubling. You're both young. No kids. This is the easiest part of your marriage. If you stay married, it only gets harder from here. Maybe one or both of you just isn't ready for marriage yet. Think long and hard before you continue in the marriage. As hard as it seems to throw away three years together and move on, consider how much harder it will be after 10 years and a couple kids.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Not over reacting.

He chose to cheat when he slept with her. He willingly chose to toss aside your agreement not to cheat, and his wows to you. It was selfish, it was also a clear act reflecting how he valued Thst marriage. Basically he showed his lack of inner honor when he made that choice.

Then he rugswept and downplayed it saying it was a ONS. Ok, but that doesn't deal with the biggest hurt in cheating - the choice to betray your SO.

And then he follows up with promises, but no actions. That continues to show he doesn't view the relationship as his top priority.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anon687 (Apr 15, 2012)

Thank you guys for your advice. I did get divorce papers and he did know about them from the beginning, but I also told him over and over how I wanted to get back together if he was willing. That I wanted to throw the papers away. He knew that I wanted him back so badly. We are young. I'm only 20, and the fact that I could possibly be married and divorced before 21 makes me feel pathetic. He's almost 27 years old, but he acts like a selfish child. I'm grateful we never had children, and feel that even if we got back together I couldn't stand the risk of having children with this man. It is hard to throw away 3 years, but it's also the fact that he was my first. Maybe that explains it, I don't know, but it's hard to throw away my first everything. That's probably not a very good reason. 

I love him, and I really hate him. And I love his family and it'll be hard to lose them too. I have checked his cell phone and her name isn't in there, and unless he has it written down because his memory is horrible. He deletes texts and phone calls often because they slow down his phone. I assume she was single, but he never mentioned it. He uses his computer, but he doesn't have internet so I'm not so worried about that. He acknowledges that he treated me horribly, and he says he's going to get help to fix it, but I don't know if it's just another empty promise like all the others.

When we were separated he left me with nothing. I had been unsuccessfully looking for a job, living with my mother, and waiting for things to get better. I wasn't able to attend school because we could only afford for one of us to go, and so he went to go after his dream (one of many), but he dropped out soon after (as always). Now he's left me in the same predicament. I have been trying so hard to get a job, and he knows that. He's willing to pay for all of my bills for as long as I need, but I HATE that I need the help of someone I'm so angry with. It gives him too much control and I can't trust him anymore.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

*it's also the fact that he was my first. Maybe that explains it, I don't know, but it's hard to throw away my first everything. That's probably not a very good reason.*

It's not a good reason. Being with your first forever is like a fairy tale, but it only happens that way for one out of a thousand. It's hard to accept that you're not that one out of a thousand, but you can't will it to happen. His behavior is beyond your control. You have to make your decisions based on the reality of the situation, not based on how you wished it would be.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

anon687 said:


> if we got back together I couldn't stand the risk of having children with this man.


This is all I needed to hear. You've already made up your mind but you don't want to admit it. Accept what you know to be true and stop torturing yourself.


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## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

I know you love him but you are young and have your entire life ahead of you. Don't misunderstand me, I don't easily dismiss vows and promises but knowing what I know now after 20 years of marriage, my advice to you is to get rid of him. You can find someone good and honest, that will hopefully remain that way for a long and healthy marriage. First loves can be hard to get over but you can do it, so many people have. Pick yourself up and move forward for you!


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## anon687 (Apr 15, 2012)

You all are absolutely right. I can't be with him anymore, so we're getting a divorce. I know I can't look past this. Maybe I'll forgive him someday, but I can never forget. I hope he gets help and does everything else he promises, but I'm not going to hold my breath for that to happen anymore. Thank you everyone for your advice and quick responses. This was the first time I ever sought advice over the internet for something so important, and your help has made me feel so much better about my decision.

Thank you so much.


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

anon687 said:


> This is my first post, but I really needed some advice. My husband and I have only been married for 9 months. We got married then had a lot of financial trouble and had to move in with my mother. In January he couldn't cope anymore and decided he wanted to leave me. He didn't want a divorce, but I didn't want to be separated forever so I got divorce papers that were never turned in because I really thought that we'd work it out. He wanted to leave because "he didn't deserve me" and he wanted to "grow up and work on his issues so he could be better".
> 
> A month later he decided he loved me too much to be apart and wanted to get back together. And I said yes. I had been wanting to get back together since he left and he knew that. The whole time we were separated he still told me how much he loved me and that he just wanted to work on himself (it's almost laughable now). So we get back together but I lay down some conditions for myself. It probably seems silly but one of the things I wanted was a love letter. He agreed to everything.
> 
> ...


you most certainly are NOT over-reacting, even though seperated, you both made an agreement not to sleep around until the divorce was finalized. He lied to you and was decieptive, its hard to re-gain someone's trust after that.


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