# Would it bug you?



## Kelly21 (Feb 27, 2013)

I guess I am just throwing this question out there to take the temperature of wives and perhaps husbands too.
Would it bug you if your DH said a few times a week, "These are the worst tasting beans" or "This is a horrible cut of meat" or for Valentines Day, I bought him coffee beans and a few t-shirts (he returns everything else) and he asked me to go to Starbucks later that week to buy different beans cause he didn't like the beans I gave him. AND not to ever buy those t-shirts again because they don't wash right or etc. I can come up with several more examples! Ugh!
I realize that he is not commenting on the meal I cook, cause he certainly reminds me of that, but after spending time shopping and trying to find the exact thing, I feel overly criticized. 
Would it bug you?


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Once or twice? No. Constantly complaining about things I do for her? Certainly.

But if there are a ton of "good jobs" or "great meal" or "you look great today" thrown in, then I can take the negatives.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Yes if he did it to everything, then I would say he was overly fussy and unappreciative. 

I don't mind being told if I buy a gift he genuinely doesn't like or can't use, (Like me I'm alergic to most soaps), however if it was everything I'd wonder what was wrong with him.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Kelly21 said:


> I guess I am just throwing this question out there to take the temperature of wives and perhaps husbands too.
> Would it bug you if your DH said a few times a week, "These are the worst tasting beans" or "This is a horrible cut of meat" or for Valentines Day, I bought him coffee beans and a few t-shirts (he returns everything else) and he asked me to go to Starbucks later that week to buy different beans cause he didn't like the beans I gave him. AND not to ever buy those t-shirts again because they don't wash right or etc. I can come up with several more examples! Ugh!
> I realize that he is not commenting on the meal I cook, cause he certainly reminds me of that, but after spending time shopping and trying to find the exact thing, I feel overly criticized.
> Would it bug you?


It would bug me and it's certainly impolite of him.
But I might not say anything.
Next time, I would get gift certificates.
If he complained about that, I guess I would start rethinking why I even felt the need to be participating in the ritual of gift giving with such a person.


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## happysnappy (Jan 8, 2013)

My mom did this to my dad for years. It was so bad that he was constantly anxious when he had to get her something. She also demanded she wanted to be surprised. She is totally crazy though. I personally think its just plain rude to tell someone you don't like the gift they got you.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Yes this would bug me.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

OP,

If my SO was constantly moaning / complaining about the things that I did for them it would very quickly "Get My Goat". If it is just on occasion for the sake of clarity then I would be (I am) fine with it.

I do have to bite my tongue sometimes and think carefully before I answer my wife questions:

How was the meal? If it was not to my taste I now try and stay "OK but not as nice as the meatballs you did yesterday" rather than just the "I ate it didn't I" that first comes to mind.

As for my wife asking me about clothes "should I wear the trouser suit or a dress" and the dreaded "does this skirt make my bottom look big" well let’s just say I am happy we now have teenage daughters to advice her.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

My ex H2 used to do this to me ALL THE TIME! If he didnt like something, I got, " What the hell did you buy those for? Dont ever buy those again! Those were horrible!". He was this way about EVERYTHING.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

It would bug me. To the point I would stop buying him anything if it was all the time.

If it was every once in a while? I could stand that, but he would be told his delivery sucked. _How_ you say something can mean all the difference in the world.


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## Kelly21 (Feb 27, 2013)

Wow! Incredible feedback! And I agree with the teenage daughter fashion advice! Thank you so much!!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You should read The 5 Love Languages. I'll bet one of yours is gifts, and gifts is NOT one of his!!

Stop buying anything at all for him. He sounds very ungrateful for what you do buy him. See if you can figure out what love language he does speak - have him take the quiz - and then learn it


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

If he thinks he can do better, then let him do all the grocery shopping for beans, cuts of meat, and coffee. And everything else he complains that you don't buy correctly. Make grocery buying HIS responsibility. And cooking, if he complains about your cooking.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I'm such a smart ass, I would start responding to his complaints with "Well you know what they say, if you want something done right you should do it yourself." And then happily go about my business. lol


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I prefer the truth about things - be it food, beverages or gifts. However, telling the truth doesn't mean disregarding someone's feelings.

If my SO complained incessantly about everything I bought or made for him, I certainly wouldn't be happy about.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Kelly21 said:


> I guess I am just throwing this question out there to take the temperature of wives and perhaps husbands too.
> Would it bug you if your DH said a few times a week, "These are the worst tasting beans" or "This is a horrible cut of meat" or for Valentines Day, I bought him coffee beans and a few t-shirts (he returns everything else) and he asked me to go to Starbucks later that week to buy different beans cause he didn't like the beans I gave him. AND not to ever buy those t-shirts again because they don't wash right or etc. I can come up with several more examples! Ugh!
> I realize that he is not commenting on the meal I cook, cause he certainly reminds me of that, but after spending time shopping and trying to find the exact thing, I feel overly criticized.
> Would it bug you?


I think there is such an easy way to solve problems like this... Don't BUY for him... shop together, let him pick out what he wants, then everyone is happy.

That's how we are, and neither of us ever complain about not getting gifts, it's just not a big deal at all. I don't even like christmas all that much, because there is nothing worse than wasting our time & $$ on something someone else may not like......If I do buy, the receipt automatically goes in the card.... so they can be happy. I never let them ask me for it... that's just awkward. Once I buy, I don't care what they do with it.

I try to do a decent amount of question asking -if I have any clue someone is particular...even if not, it's nice to know and I'd never buy clothes...unless it was lingerie for a Wedding shower...this just causes less stress, maybe he doesn't have time to shop but he can at least give *good detail* to what he wants to avoid this in the future, that I would insist on in such a situation or I'd take myself out of the equation.


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## Dawn of Man (Feb 22, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> You should read The 5 Love Languages. I'll bet one of yours is gifts, and gifts is NOT one of his!!
> 
> Stop buying anything at all for him. He sounds very ungrateful for what you do buy him. See if you can figure out what love language he does speak - have him take the quiz - and then learn it


This immediately came to mind for me as well. We tend to project how we want to be treated.


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## happysnappy (Jan 8, 2013)

There is no guarantee that this is not his language. I know it is my mothers. My dad is not good at paying attention and picking up clues. And my mother is just a miserable person in general.


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## brightlight (Feb 18, 2013)

I reckon it would bug anyone who has a hint of emotional intelligence. 

Why is he doing it though? Is he trying to hurt you or is he genuinely ignorant?


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## Manas (May 29, 2012)

Kelly21 said:


> I guess I am just throwing this question out there to take the temperature of wives and perhaps husbands too.
> Would it bug you if your DH said a few times a week, "These are the worst tasting beans" or "This is a horrible cut of meat" or for Valentines Day, I bought him coffee beans and a few t-shirts (he returns everything else) and he asked me to go to Starbucks later that week to buy different beans cause he didn't like the beans I gave him. AND not to ever buy those t-shirts again because they don't wash right or etc. I can come up with several more examples! Ugh!
> I realize that he is not commenting on the meal I cook, cause he certainly reminds me of that, but after spending time shopping and trying to find the exact thing, I feel overly criticized.
> Would it bug you?


I wouldnt do that to my wife ... because I am pretty sure it would hurt her ... practicality isnt everything.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Kelly21 said:


> I guess I am just throwing this question out there to take the temperature of wives and perhaps husbands too.
> Would it bug you if your DH said a few times a week, "These are the worst tasting beans" or "This is a horrible cut of meat" or for Valentines Day, I bought him coffee beans and a few t-shirts (he returns everything else) and he asked me to go to Starbucks later that week to buy different beans cause he didn't like the beans I gave him. AND not to ever buy those t-shirts again because they don't wash right or etc. I can come up with several more examples! Ugh!
> I realize that he is not commenting on the meal I cook, cause he certainly reminds me of that, but after spending time shopping and trying to find the exact thing, I feel overly criticized.
> Would it bug you?


It did, and I divorced her. My wife now loves all the food I cook for her, she's overjoyed at the things I get for her or little notes I leave around the house for her.

I'm just the happiest man alive with a wife who appreciates me. 

He does this to keep you in a one-down position. It's intentional. Of course he's reminding you that he really isn't criticizing you, just the stuff you bought or the stuff you cooked or the things you did. 

There will be more symptoms than just this particular kind of emotional attack. But this one he uses because he knows how much it gets to you. Look how it can keep you stressed out more or less permanently, never knowing if what you do will be good enough. 

You can't talk this one through with him because he's going to play dumb, pretend he doesn't understand or that you are over-sensitive or they are all legitimate concerns, etc. What you have to do is give him choices that have enforceable consequences. 

So don't waste your breath trying to get him to "see" what he is doing is emotional abuse. He knows better than anyone. Tell him to stop, or it's consequence X. No discussion. If he asks why the answer is "that is my decision."


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## elizabethdennis (Jan 16, 2013)

Kelly21 said:


> I guess I am just throwing this question out there to take the temperature of wives and perhaps husbands too.
> Would it bug you if your DH said a few times a week, "These are the worst tasting beans" or "This is a horrible cut of meat" or for Valentines Day, I bought him coffee beans and a few t-shirts (he returns everything else) and he asked me to go to Starbucks later that week to buy different beans cause he didn't like the beans I gave him. AND not to ever buy those t-shirts again because they don't wash right or etc. I can come up with several more examples! Ugh!
> I realize that he is not commenting on the meal I cook, cause he certainly reminds me of that, but after spending time shopping and trying to find the exact thing, I feel overly criticized.
> Would it bug you?


Being criticized twice or thrice is OK. but if he will complain about everything I do for him, then it will really bug me. The least I need is a man who does not know how to appreciate me. He need not praise me for the taste of the meal I prepared, or the scent of the laundry that I did. But a little appreciation on the effort I exerted to do all these things for him is what I really need.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Sounds like my husband... Chronically seeking the negativity in every thing. Major issue with me. I can't NOT be stressed out by it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Two words...Gift Cards

When he asks why, you can say "This way honey you can get what you really want"


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Kelly21 said:


> I guess I am just throwing this question out there to take the temperature of wives and perhaps husbands too.
> Would it bug you if your DH said a few times a week, "These are the worst tasting beans" or "This is a horrible cut of meat" or for Valentines Day, I bought him coffee beans and a few t-shirts (he returns everything else) and he asked me to go to Starbucks later that week to buy different beans cause he didn't like the beans I gave him. AND not to ever buy those t-shirts again because they don't wash right or etc. I can come up with several more examples! Ugh!
> I realize that he is not commenting on the meal I cook, cause he certainly reminds me of that, but after spending time shopping and trying to find the exact thing, I feel overly criticized.
> Would it bug you?


Yes mam that would hurt my feelings..If I'm being honest.Stop buying him **** then just let him complain you don't even care..Same difference..IMHO...


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

YinPrincess said:


> Sounds like my husband... Chronically seeking the negativity in every thing. Major issue with me. I can't NOT be stressed out by it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



:smthumbup:


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