# How do I not hate him when I still love him?



## lost&alone (Sep 13, 2010)

My husband left me when I was 16 weeks pregnant, I am now 25 weeks. I am so hurt and I had convinced myself that he is not this selfish person and he wants to be a family like he always told me he wanted and that he will reconsider and we will reconcile. He has yet to move any of his belongings out – I have started to pack his stuff and ask for him to pick it up as I pack it. He has only picked up 2 boxes and his clothes. 

I feel I have been very patient with him throughout this process and now my patience is wearing thin. I housed his belongings for 2 months now without him giving me a dime towards any of the expenses. I did not want this separation from him so it hurts to see all of his belongings around the house still (which is why I am trying to remove everything from my sight), it hurts to see his stuff, it hurts me to talk to him and it hurts me to not talk to him.

What I need help with is I have no idea how to talk to him when he calls me. I am so mad at him for putting me through this emotional pain and abandoning me so I must go through this pregnancy (that we planned by him asking me if I wanted to make a baby with him) alone. I told him the other night that I hate him for doing this to me. However in the same conversation I also told him that I love him. 

How do I remain civil towards him throughout this process when I have such strong feelings of resentment towards him and love him at the same time??


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## colour-me-confused (Sep 15, 2010)

It might be best if you try to limit how often you communicate with him for a while. when my ex and i split up i limited our conversations so that they were only about our son or sorting out property. I figured that since he had made it very clear that we would not reconcile there was no point in rehashing our relationship. By limiting our conversations i am making progress at putting him into a new "box". I talk to him as my childs father and not as the husband he once was (or wasn't). And, I told myself frequently that he gave me my baby .... and so he truly gave me the greatest gift ever. It made me resent him a little less. 
And it is okay to resent the guy. Do not feel bad about it. You are grieving for your marriage and anger and resentment are part of the process. 
As for his stuff ... I had this same problem. It drove me mental seeing his stuff all over my house. Since he took his clothes you two are obviously agreed that you are staying where you are? Tell him firmly that you need him to pick up his stuff by a certain date. Be honest and tell him that having his stuff there is making it impossible for you to adjust. If he has no place to take it yet, search around for a cheap storage place and present it to him in a manner that suggests you are just helping him out  Then re-organize and make it YOURS! You'll feel a lot better when it starts being your home and not both of yours.


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## lost&alone (Sep 13, 2010)

I have given up on being civil. He’s a selfish jerk and I am done with it. I am sad it went this way to some extent. But I will no longer put up with his shenanigans. I have a baby to nurture and have no time for his games. The house is mine. He had to get an apartment which is why I want his stuff out. However I quit asking him to come pick his stuff up as I am sick of listening to his lame excuses for not getting it. It’s in the basement storage – out of sight out of mind. I have reorganized and continue to make the house my own.


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## lovelieswithin (Apr 29, 2010)

He is likely leaving crap there because he himself cant completely let go of the relationship yet. He is more than likely testing waters outside before jumping. If his belongings are causing you anguish then I would dump the responsibility on his family like parents or siblings? that way theyll be safely stored and out of your life. Its super unfair that he bounced on you like that and it makes me sad that someone could be so selfish without even trying to attempt ways to make it work. I hope you find strength and courage - and eventually are able to trust and love someone that really deserves you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lost&alone (Sep 13, 2010)

lovelieswithin - I think you are very right that he is testing waters with another women that he has had an EA with and now continues to hang out with. He has no family here so I cannot pass his stuff onto someone else. Wish he did so I could. 

I too hope for strength and courage in this mess.


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