# NC with kids involved.....



## bigntall (Aug 12, 2014)

I've read many threads about NC with the x but not a whole lot of feedback/info about how to do this when there are children involved.

What is the best way to do this with kids in the picture? My life is a WHOLE lot better when their is no conversation. Any opinions would be greatly appreciated.


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## Sammy64 (Oct 28, 2013)

I dont respond to anything from my STBXW unless it is about the kid.. NOTHING .....


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Only discuss things relating to the kids/co-parenting. Everything else is irrelevant.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Personally, I just ignore and delete anything that isn't relevant. And I let calls go to voicemail so I can decide when and if to respond. And that's for an ex-husband with whom I had an almost comically amicable divorce, get along with well now, and have a really good co-parenting relationship.

In extreme cases, I've also heard of people setting up an intermediary. Someone who takes messages from your ex and passes them along to you - and responds back to them on your behalf. The trick is that they only send you messages if they are related to the children or a parenting situation. Nothing else gets past the intermediary to you. That way, you don't ever even have to hear anything from your ex unless it's actually necessary. To do that, though, you need to not be available to your ex by any normal means. Block their number so you don't get calls or texts and block their emails from your personal email accounts. Set up an email that is only used by the intermediary for messages for/with the ex. It's tricky to manage and a little extreme, but I've heard of people making it work.


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

Treat it as you would a business adversary. Communicate through email and only about pertinent issues:

-Kids
-Legal
-Logistics

Ignore "niceties", be cordial. 
Answer as much as possible with one word answers:
Q: How are you? A: Great.
Q: Do you need anything? A: No.

There is no need to be rude, but firm cordiality is a good way to engage when necessary.

Heads up on a possible wrinkle:
I had to meet ex at a restaurant halfway. Daughter invited ex to join us. Ex tried to engage me and I answered politely but did not inquire as to how she was or what she was doing. Daughter was upset that I "didn't ask ex because she asked me." 

Be prepared to answer hard questions from the kids on any encounter.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I had it spelled out in the custody paperwork because he would call and ask about something and then start complaining about things - our primary means of communication is to be email. If an email requires a response in less than 48 hours, we are to call the other parent and advise they have an email that requires their response.

He hates email. And sometimes he doesn't check it for WEEKS. I swear he does that just to be passive aggressive. I probably checks daily and watches it sit in his 'inbox'.

That was 10+ years ago. Now I'm OK with an occasional text but it's only ever about the kiddo. We have called on a rare occasion (so rare it's not even once a year) when a back and forth discussion is required.


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## Iver (Mar 8, 2013)

I've heard of shared calendars for the kids activities which list who does what. Cuts out lots of unnecessary chatter.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Since this isn't worth it's own thread, I'm gonna vent for a moment. Due to ex's parental alienation and all of the custody crap, we are supposed to agree to any changes to visitation BEFORE we present them to kiddo. He likes to make HER ask so I have to tell her no - an alienation technique AND a chicken sh1t thing to do.

So kiddo just calls to ask if they can come back late (9 or 10pm or so) on Sunday so they can do white water on Sunday. I asked how about doing it Saturday? No openings. My vacation time with her starts Sunday at 6pm. I really debated telling her no on principle. But this about her - I know she'll enjoy it, I know he waited til the last minute to call. But it's f-ing rude to ask last minute (he's picking her up soon) and it's in violation of the order to not decide together and then tell her AND he thinks it forces me to either tell her no and disappoint her and be the "bad guy" or cave and he gets more time. PLUS it puts her in the middle!

He'll be getting an email where I expect those f-ing four hours back just because he's been an ass about it. If he'd called or texted himself, I would be more inclined to say yes without asking to make up my time. d!ck


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Since this isn't worth it's own thread, I'm gonna vent for a moment. Due to ex's parental alienation and all of the custody crap, we are supposed to agree to any changes to visitation BEFORE we present them to kiddo. He likes to make HER ask so I have to tell her no - an alienation technique AND a chicken sh1t thing to do.
> 
> So kiddo just calls to ask if they can come back late (9 or 10pm or so) on Sunday so they can do white water on Sunday. I asked how about doing it Saturday? No openings. My vacation time with her starts Sunday at 6pm. I really debated telling her no on principle. But this about her - I know she'll enjoy it, I know he waited til the last minute to call. But it's f-ing rude to ask last minute (he's picking her up soon) and it's in violation of the order to not decide together and then tell her AND he thinks it forces me to either tell her no and disappoint her and be the "bad guy" or cave and he gets more time. PLUS it puts her in the middle!
> 
> He'll be getting an email where I expect those f-ing four hours back just because he's been an ass about it. If he'd called or texted himself, I would be more inclined to say yes without asking to make up my time. d!ck


I am quoting this because I was gonna post about similar things from what the OP is asking to what you're saying here.

Plain and simple like many my Ex left in the sh!ttiest way possible.. I seen it coming months before and told her not to end it this way, but she did.. 

In the end both her and the other man have found something to bond over and that is being a d!ck to me. 

I get the whole don't tell me anything and I don't need to know her work habits. 

The only issue we have is picking up our youngest from school and when he wants to go over or not go over her apartment.. The one time he decided to stay home he got grilled the next day to see if I was behind him staying home.

Basically I know if I am nice to her she will be nice to me. But I can't... She just treated me in a way I just didn't deserve.. I don't think its fair or right.. But if she apologized it would go a long way with me and I know I would not have anything to hang my hat on next time around.

Simple example, she tells me last minute I can't pick up our son so I have to scramble to either leave work and pick him up or get someone to pick him up.. When I complain about it she says I would have figured something out if I knew it was such a big deal to you.. 

I in turn call her out on it and tell her if it wasn't a big deal you would have figured it out.. But instead you couldn't so dumped it on my lap.. 

I will admit I am angry.. Not for the affair, but for how she ended it.. I know everyone says let it go and live your life, but I can't.. I don't go out of my way to screw her but if I can I will.. 

I never do things last minute, but she does it to me all the time. I tell her as soon as I know something related to our one son.. The other son is a non-issue because she chose to have no contact with him. 

Again its great because we hardly talk.. She basically is this person that takes my youngest 2 days out of the week. But its like pulling teeth to get the necessary info out of her. She just isnt forthcoming and its annoying as all fvcks..


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

As others have said. Keep communication simple. Maybe text only and emails. Only talk about the kids. Once my x and I started doing only this is became much simpler to get along. She was my best friends for 20+ years though so I understand you can slip. Once you do just get back on the kids topic and let the other stuff go


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