# new to marriage- am i being cheated



## d4rkh4wk (Mar 28, 2012)

I got married sept 2011. About 2 months before we were married my wife played a message for me off her cellphone from an ex asking to get together for his birthday. She did this straight out of spite because she wanted to hurt my feelings at that moment. Then followed the worst month of my life feeling compelled to track her cell phone and computer. Nothing came of it and i resigned myself to just saying that the ex was a creep who was looking somewhere he shouldn`t have. We got married. Had a great day and a few awesome months and then the sex just plin stopped for 2 months. I couldn't touch her in a sexual manner without having my hands pushed away. I started getting depressed. And i wouldn't even try at all. Last week we went to weight watchers together,I'm 226 and she's 178. Actively working on our selves and i dont mind at all because i no longer work at a physically demanding job. And now there is a new turn of events i do not know what to make of. Her old friend from hs has come back to town after a divorce. I've met him. And read an email that she sent him saying "i just wanted to express im glad you're back in my life." And the sex we have been having is copious and ****ing amazing. But i cant help but wonder. I honestly cannot understand the drought we had. To go from nothing to the thing we have been doing this past week. God this goes so much deeper. After 2 months shouldn't she have been tight? Why does she use the business email?(not a coworker) and this makes me suspect of him and her... why last thursday after dance did she say was going out with him and a girfriend for sushi call and invite me. I have usually said no to sushi in the past-And then i say ill show up. Boom.. no girl all the sudden. Wife sounds angry on the phone. And there i am with this awkward suspicion. it would have been him and her alone. I usually say no to sushi. I dont know if i am overly suspicious, not cut out for marriage, or onto something. Wtf ami doing here? If someone has experience or an opinion let me know.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Did she send him the email before or after she became engaged to you?


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

d4rkh4wk said:


> And read an email that she sent him saying "i just wanted to express im glad you're back in my life." And the sex we have been having is copious and ****ing amazing. But i cant help but wonder.
> 
> Why does she use the business email?(not a coworker) and this makes me suspect of him and her....


Really? Suspect her? How could her message be taken any other way?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

She shouldn't be having contact with her ex, if for no other reason than to not even give the appearance of impropriety.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

You've got issues with her my friend!

If my fiance pulled that message crap 2 months before our wedding, I would have run out of their screaming! It was a preview of what you're going through now and probably will the rest of your life! Any kids? If not, don't start a family until you resolve these issues!

So she was supposed to be out with him and another girl and when you showed up (unexpectedly?) it was just here and him? If so, HUGE red flag!

I don't know if she is actively cheating on you or not but the increased sex is also another possible red flag.

Go to the Coping with Infidelity forum and read up!


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

She should not have these men in her life. She lied about going out dancing with this guy and his GF. That really was not cool even with the GF. But without the GF they hooked up one way or another. She is being unfaithful..

I have no idea why she is seeking out other men or why you have put up with it. 

Yes this should move to coping with infidelity.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You are an idiot for going through with the wedding.

Get an annulment and send this cheating tramp on her way.


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## Good Dog (Mar 28, 2012)

It sounds like there are some definite boundary issues with her. Whether or not she wanted to see this guy, she shouldn't have misled you about who would be there. Dishonesty is a serious problem, especially this early on in your marriage. Even if everything else turns out okay, you guys need to make sure that honesty and trust have a front and center position in your lives together.


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## kittykat09 (Mar 26, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Get an annulment and send this cheating tramp on her way.


This, for sure. You don't want trust issues this soon into your marriage. They won't get better, they will get worse. :/ Probably shouldn't have married her after the stunt with the ex, but live and learn.

Don't blame yourself and say that you aren't cut out for marriage- she is the one who doesn't seem to be ready. You just need to develop a better picker and find someone who is.


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

Eject! Eject! Eject!

It isn't going to get better from here. It is going to get worse. Probably much worse.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

You made 2 critical mistakes. First you went ahead with the wedding as if she was a loyal partner. If she was, she hid it well. Secondly, you let her get away with an attempt at an assignation with an ex, lying to you and treating you with disrepect. 

Please think about this. Why did she marry? Did these ex's dump her? She seems more interested in dating them than being your wife. 

Sorry but my impression is that she settled for you. She may have really wanted one or both of the ex's but thought they were gone. Now they are back. My impression is that she is making a play for them while treating you like a safety in the backfield. 

You have a great deal to think about. Take some time, talk to a select few mature friends and or family. first and foremost, stop letting her treat you like sh!t. Come down hard ion the deception and tell her not to see the ex again she can't be trusted. Then go to MC if you are considering this salvageable. 

Put your foot down and stop running after her. This is my take, pure speculation - She is sure you are going to hang around while she dates her ex's to see if she can get something going with one of them. You are hanging on her every move like her lap dog. I am certain you are not a chump. You are acting like one now. 

It is shock no doubt but shake yourself out of your lassitude. Knowing what you know now, are you certain that you want to get in deeper with a woman who is deceptive, does not respect you and has sex with you based on some mysterious algorithm and not love. You are young, don't have kids and you can get out cheap. 

You may have married a woman who is not worthy of you. I say that because she is treating you like she does not value you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## d4rkh4wk (Mar 28, 2012)

I appreciate all this feedback. Though this post would go unnoticed. The ex that called her prior to our marriage i am 99% sure is way long gone. Even before her and i started dating. She didn't hide his phone message from me. But nonetheless it made me think that at any moment if i am not weary i could have the life i am working for could be destroyed utterly. I love my wife and it would kill me if i found out she was cheating. This friend of hers she never dated. He is newly divorced. I just don't know. I have met him. He wants to be my friend. I don't want to jump off the deep end and just up and leave my wife over one poorly worded email. I have enough patience to wait and see if theres something more concrete than that to confront her with. I'd like to thank you people for being my sounding board.


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## d4rkh4wk (Mar 28, 2012)

Toffer said:


> So she was supposed to be out with him and another girl and when you showed up (unexpectedly?) it was just here and him?


It wasn't unexpectedly. I was invited. The only thing unexpected was. That i said i'd be there. We hang up and then she calls back and asks if I'm still coming and that her girlfriend wasn't in for sushi. And she sounded short and angry.


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## d4rkh4wk (Mar 28, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> Did she send him the email before or after she became engaged to you?


Long after we were married. 4 days ago.


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## d4rkh4wk (Mar 28, 2012)

golfergirl said:


> Really? Suspect her? How could her message be taken any other way?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This her high school friend she never dated. He moved away for a few years. I might be able to see myself saying something like that to a friend that's been away... but i wouldn't word it like that. Hell no.


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## d4rkh4wk (Mar 28, 2012)

They didn't go dancing. She teaches all girl bellydance. It was the sushi after dance class the gf backed out of.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

d4rkh4wk said:


> Long after we were married. 4 days ago.


I can't think of any legitimate reason for a married woman to be chatting, emailing, texting, or talking with any other man about the great sex they used to have. Whether her vagina is cheating or not, her mind and heart are. If she can't stay faithful even a year, you don't need her and neither does any other sane man.


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## eh12 (Mar 28, 2012)

You are not in a good spot my friend! It is an opportunity for you to learn to handle this type of woman's actions better. two suggestions:
1. read "Boundaries in Marriage" to learn how to be comfortable with your wife's actions.
2. Realize she has broken your trust and that she has the responsibility to prove her loyalty to you. If she doesn't you have your answer about your relationship.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

Trust issues can cause incredible stress and anxiety, and also lead to long term depression issues. I'm dealing with it right now. I'm slowly coming out of it, but because my marriage was my rock, my foundation, all the other problems I felt I could handle with ease became substantially more difficult to address. At my worst times, even something as simple as taking my children to the park was almost unbearable for me.

I can't tell you to walk away from her, I'm still working on my marriage now. I would say she needs to know how breaking trust can affect a marriage, and how even the most unassuming private little conversations can destroy that trust. I've been dealing with this for more than a year now and we are still not back to where we were before, but we are making strides. It sounds to me like communication within your marriage could use some work. I wouldn't give up on her yet.


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## harpongs (Apr 10, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> You are an idiot


How is this helpful?


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

harpongs said:


> How is this helpful?


I agree with harpongs... I was an idiot leading up to my marriage, stayed in internet contact with an ex, but a few months before we got married I broke off all communication and did not ever contact my ex again. I don't see how passing a judgement like this helps, the OP obviously loved his fiance (now wife), still loves her, and wants to try and fix things.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

d4rk,

You said "That i said i'd be there. We hang up and then she calls back and asks if I'm still coming and that her girlfriend wasn't in for sushi. And she sounded short and angry"

Sorry but I see this as another red flag. I think she assumed you wouldn't be there for sushi either and when you showed up, you ruined her date!


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## d4rkh4wk (Mar 28, 2012)

Toffer said:


> d4rk,
> 
> You said "That i said i'd be there. We hang up and then she calls back and asks if I'm still coming and that her girlfriend wasn't in for sushi. And she sounded short and angry"
> 
> Sorry but I see this as another red flag. I think she assumed you wouldn't be there for sushi either and when you showed up, you ruined her date!


I know. And I'm seeing these red flags and looking for more. Haven't seen anything else. But i will keep my eyes pealed for a couple months and not do anything rash or out of sorts.


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## MrMan (Apr 7, 2012)

My friend, the very fact that you are going through this anxiety is proof in itself that something is wrong.

Whether she is cheating or not, her behavior is causing all this anxiety.

You need to talk to her. If you can't talk to her about this now then you are setting yourself up for a life of pain. Good luck my friend.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

d4rkh4wk said:


> This her high school friend she never dated. He moved away for a few years. I might be able to see myself saying something like that to a friend that's been away... but i wouldn't word it like that. Hell no.


I'm sorry - I misread your post. I thought the amazing sex comment was included in the email to her friend! My bad! I was thinking how the hell can that comment be misunderstood!
Now that I get the story - I say red flags but laying down some boundaries definitely needs to be done!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## d4rkh4wk (Mar 28, 2012)

well i've snooped and snooped. i haven't seen anything. i think i can safely say there is nothing to fear or doubt. i might have an issue myself with trust. i don't even know where to begin or how but i i have to start somehow. that said... i never want to be caught off guard when it comes to something that matters more to me than anything else in the world - my marriage.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Her being with that guy is a concern. You need to have her cut that relationship and not be meeting with him any more. You know this period.

But, what exactly did you do to snoop? Serious question. What have you actually done to check?


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

If you want to save your marriage, then set down ground rules. Tell her your sick of worrying and unless she wants a divorce/annulment she needs to stop all (non-professional) communication with other men. She needs to stop leaving you wondering if she's cheating. If she complains and refuses or dismisses you... start the paper work for a divorce/annulment.

If she really wants to be with you, out of love for you she should want to have your trust and to not make your life a non-stop stream of doubt and concern. If she doesn't care to do that, honestly it's over. You can't live your life like this. Even if you manage to stay married, can you imagine how 50 more years of this is going to affect you?


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

About 2 months before we were married my wife played a message for me off her cellphone from an ex asking to get together for his birthday. She did this straight out of spite because she wanted to hurt my feelings at that moment

She seems very immature and petty. So the next big fight what will she do, kiss someone else to spite you. Then an even bigger fight, sleep with OM to really piss you off because she has to hurt you in some way.

There are red flags but nothing really glaring right now to show that she's cheating.

The only problem I see is that you both need to sit down and talk like others have said but she's gotta check that B attitude though. You piss me off and I'm gonna do something to hurt you is not how a marriage should work.

Fix this now, if you allow it to happen through the years, you're in for a lot of pain in the long run.


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

Sorry to hear about your situation. I would not have married her.

You are not too far gone to get your life and self-respect back. She sounds immature and almost certainly prone to cheat.


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