# Separated over a year....



## Mybusinessornot? (Apr 27, 2012)

My story is a long one, one that I'm not going to go into great detail. Just need some advice on the current status of our relationship.

(Married 10 years, together 12) Since separated, we are still in the 'friend zone'. I will add that he is the one who 90% of the time, contacts me. He stops over for coffee, we go for lunch, dinner and even concerts together. He has been honest telling me that 'at this time he is not sure what the future will bring' or he says he's not sure if he is 'ready to go there' as far as reconciling goes. 

Right now I am ok with this and have been working on fixing ME which I know is important for my sanity and well being. I've been through all the emotions we all go through with the loss of a marriage etc. I even question myself if I even 'really' want this man back because of what he is doing today. He is a lost soul living in a fantasy world.

Since separated H has been depressed, although he won't admit it. When he is stressed/depressed he escapes online, running away from his pain. A year ago he started playing a game online and became addicted to it. He told me he stopped playing it but I know he is still playing today. He is exhausted and burned out and someday he will crash, I'm sure!

He is unaware that I know he is still gaming nor do I mention it anymore. I'm tired of all the lies. I also know that he is having an EA with a married woman which probably started a year ago, months after we were separated. 

As most of you mention on here, he is deep into an affair fog and they both, I'm sure, love the excitement of hiding this affair. I have asked him many times if he has met anyone else but of course he denies it. This is just not the man I knew, one who used to have high morals.

I have been doing some soul searching and don't know what to do in regards to the OW cheating on her H and I'm sure he has no idea. Is it my place to bring this EA to the surface and throw a wrench into their fantasy world or is it none of my business since we are separated and just let them continue with this? It saddens me she has two small children and she is betraying all of them. IF I was to do this, it would be anonymously although I don't feel good about breaking her H's heart either.

I'm sure she doesn't know that H and I spend a lot of time together either. He probably lies to her just as much as he lies to me.

If he is in an affair fog how could he really look at me and want to try reconcile when his heart is full of fantasy with her?? I just feel like he has his cake but doesn't want the icing and really not sure at times why he states he 'needs' my friendship.

He will not wake up until he crashes hard and takes a real good look at what he is doing to himself, doing to destroy a possible reconciliation and to someone else's family. Plus I just might not be around to pick up the pieces!!

I will add that I have not moved on as my heart is still his. I do know that if he wanted to try reconcile he would have to come clean about everything. Which the truth may be what destroys our marriage completely if he actually knows what truth is any more. 

Thanks for reading and welcome any thoughts or advice.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Blow the affair wide open. You have a moral obligation to expose the truth so that the other woman's husband has some choice. 

Gather up the evidence and tell him. 

Your husband is still your husband and he has no right to string you along and disrespect you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Mybusinessornot, here are my thoughts.

I think you are lying to yourself about how you feel about your husband.

I say this because you have been separated for a year, but you have not filed for divorce. He may initiate 90% of the contact between you two, but you never refuse it or have other plans. You still spend time with him, go out on dates with him, and generally make yourself available to him when he wants to spend time with you. You are involved enough in his life that you know he is still gaming and in an EA, despite him not wanting you to know these things about him.

All of this suggests to me that you are still in love with him.

And that's fine. But the main thing is, you have to recognize and acknowledge that. Then you can start making plans to fix it, if you do love him still.

So moving on to advice.....

First, decide how you really feel about your husband. If you love him and want to rebuild your marriage, blow the affair open, insist your husband get drugs and therapy for his myriad failings, and live happily ever after.

Unless your husband refuses to address his problems. Then you have to decide if you can live with him "as-is."

If you decide that you actually DON'T love your husband, file for divorce, keep working on yourself, do the 180, and expose the EA to the OWM, because he deserves to know so he can make his own choices. Then, go live happily ever after.

You didn't ask for opinions, but what's life without making judgments?

Life is short. Your husband doesn't sound like much of a man. With a positive attitude, (which you have by virtue of being level headed enough to look in the mirror and decide to fix things about yourself) it seems like you could probably find a better quality man to share your life with. Dragging your spouse through limbo for a year is contemptible behavior, from either end. Either act married, with all that entails, or divorce and move on.

Fortunately, you have it within you to make your own choices about the rest of YOUR life. So figure out what you want to do, and go start doing it!


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## Mybusinessornot? (Apr 27, 2012)

For starters, I have not been stringing my H along. I have told him how I feel about him that I am against divorce. He knows I am still in love with him and that I would like to reconcile.

He has been honest with me in the fact that he is 'not' sure what the future holds for us. We have not been intimate throughout our separation either so he is not playing with my heart in the respect.

But as I've read on this site, reconciliation is hopeless when they are having an EA. His heart is with her so I have no hope there. This was a case of 'I'm no longer IN love with you but still want/need your friendship"

He has a secret, his EA and I have a secret, I know about his EA. My emotions go up and down, day to day, really not knowing if I ever want this man back because of all the lies and not knowing if I could ever trust him again. Or I deserve better!!!

During our marriage he would always escape online instead of confronting the issues going on in our marriage. Porn became more important than actually making love with me. Other women became more important, the chatting, the flirting etc. I was tired and worn down of the rejection so we decided to separate before we ended up hating one another.

During the first 4 months of our separation we still hung out a lot and then it changed when he started gaming. This is when he met the OW. With my snooping etc, is how I found out about her. Of course I have limited access but enough to know he is still conversing with her.

If I was to blow this EA out into the open he would hate me and I probably wouldn't see him again. This is sadly why I keep what I know a secret. On the other hand it angers me that he is lying to me and that this OW is married. I feel for her H and family. He is in the military and I'm sure she is lonely (not an excuse) just stating facts that I know.

A part of me thinks my H is scum for doing what he is doing, a low life!!! He is not the man I married! I am not a mean spirited person and feel compassion for the OWH.

I am torn on what to do. Yes I can just walk away and let him continue with his fantasy. Although it bothers me that he thinks he has pulled the wool over my eyes and is getting away with it.

I just had dinner with him and one of his siblings last night. I could tell he was ansie, always checking his phone for messages (he turned off message notification long ago as I would tell him he should tell his gf that he was busy with his W) of course he denies there is another woman and gets defensive when I ask. Plus he just couldn't wait to go home to his secret life.

This EA is ruining his life. He is depressed, gaining weight, doesn't sleep well or enough. He's neglecting his business and basically hides out at home a lot because of this addiction. He can't go on a holiday without his laptop. It's just a sad world he lives in! A sad world I'm living in with knowing what he is doing.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Mybusinessornot, after reading your second post above, it sounds like you know where you are at with your husband- you do still love him.

And where are you at in life?

Your husband doesn't love you. Says so right at the part where he chose "separation" over "staying together and working through the problems." He chooses to have an EA with a married woman in a video game, rather than have real life love with a real life woman whom he happens to be married to. He is "depressed, gaining weight, doesn't sleep well or enough. He's neglecting his business and basically hides out at home a lot because of this addiction. He can't go on a holiday without his laptop."

Knowing all this, being able to analyze and write this all out about him, it is your opinion that your life is better, holding on the the nonexistent hope that this man will solve this mountain of problems on his own, wake up, smell the coffee, and return to you as the man he once was.

So, since you understand your situation, and you are not looking to change it or fix it, you must be posting here for for sympathy.

Mybusineesornot, I am very sorry you find yourself separated for over a year from your husband, whom you love more than you love yourself. I hope that things get better for you, and that you come to realize that you are responsible for your own happiness, and that the choices you make in life directly affect how happy you are.

Be well!


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