# what do you do when he goes to his cave?



## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

Interesting alot of men retreat when the marriage is in crisis. I have heard it called a "mancave". They go there (alot of men use the garage...When this happens to me I feel even more infuriated than before because he is shutting me out. Usually when he comes out he expects the problem to have miraculusly have disappeared. To me this is so rude and feels like abandonment. opinions?


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

What do I do?
I try to wait.
He's learning that once he comes out of the cave, we need to talk about it, not pretend the issue has disappeared.
I'm very interested to read what other people say...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I let him go. If he's so upset with me, or if I'm so upset he feels the need to be away from me, then it's better that we have that time apart to cool down. It doesn't happen very often for us, but when it does, I've found that it's better to let him have his space. Truthfully, I prefer to retreat sometimes, too, if we're not getting along. It gives me time to calm down and think, put my thoughts into a logical order where we can actually discuss the problem and resolve it, so it doesn't crop up again in the future. 

As for him expecting it to have miraculously resolved itself...a lot of people do that. They have calmed down, and think that everyone else should have to, and that because everyone is now calm, there's nothing to discuss. Depending on the issue, sometimes I'm ok with that, sometimes I'm not. If I'm not, I just tell him "Listen, I'm glad you feel better. I do, too. But we still need to discuss this." He'll usually agree with me, we talk, and then we move on.


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## kcguy (Nov 15, 2010)

Most of the time, it's to try to fix or solve the problem or problems. It's the safe space to digest the talk, argument. Just let him, feel safe and if you know its not going to a strip club, I have a shop in the garage thats my man cave. The book Men are from mars and Woman are from Venus has a great article about it. You women have your waves. Your ups and downs. If he's going there to cool down, then he's probably trying to respect you and cool down.. and think. I visit mine sometimes a lot during a heated argument. I have to step away. breathe, think. I feel safe. especially if he thinks your being critcal. There's also the rubber band, where we pull wayyyyy away from each other. He's going to come out. Tell him you love him, and you'll be there for him when he's ready to talk. Just let it be. If he's drinking, or hurting himself, then that's different. Most avg guys, just are trying to figure things out. it's not disrespect. it's wanting to fix the problem so you can be happy and be loving to him and he's your hero again.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

What I used to do:
- Leave him there until he came out
- Go in there and harrass him (didn't work)

What I do now:
- Join him

We no longer watch TV in two separate rooms. I just very slowly and easily wormed my way in (his mancave is 800 sq ft and has everything except a bathroom). We now spend every evening in his mancave watching TV, etc. We sometimes even have sex in there.

When we get into any kind of argument, etc., I will retreat and leave him in there until he cools down, then I go back and join him again.

While this may not work for you, I was surprised at how much time we used to spend apart (him in his mancave, me in the family room) watching TV, etc. Now we don't. I've learned to watch new shows I would have never watched myself (Monk, Burn Notice, NCIS, yes - even football), and we have more to talk about.

Now we don't have any kids at home so it might be more difficult with children. But once in a while, go in, sit and watch TV with him (don't even say anything if you don't want to). See how he reacts...

Or, just let him be, he has to come out to go to the bathroom or get another beer, right?


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

when my h goes into his "mancave" silence for days but i learned to not push into his space bigger arguments were the out come so space and he will tell me what upset him and we talk sometimes we back burnner it until we both cool down and really talk without to much raw emotion from a recent fall out it was always importnt to go back over past fights and disect them like 10 years ago that fight wasnt about taking out the trash it was being kind and not ordreing you spouse around now you have reflection to look back but without arguments there is no passion no room to grow and mature......maybe


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

When a man goes to his cave, he is going there to think deeply, to come up with a solution to whatever problem there is. He is not shutting you out, he just needs to be alone. Trust me, he will be back. And PLEASE, don't go in after him, or you will find that the dragon will burn you. You must let him come back on his terms.


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## silverfox (Nov 14, 2010)

I know a lot individuals feel that books on relationships are nonsense but I am going to suggest that you buy two books. First as silly as it may seem ( John Gray- Men are from Mars and Women from Venus) 2nd- ( John Gray- When Mars and Venus Collide). I have been married 19 years and these are two of the best books I have ever read that aloud me and my wife to understand the differences that we have. 

It gives information on alot of topics that we take for granted but it gives the understanding of how we view things differently. The simple adjustments that we made because of this information is incredible. It shows you ahead of time how to manage things. 

It will be the best money you will ever spend. You will get plenty from these as long as both of you are really trying to understand each other.. You will understand what the man cave represents.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> What I used to do:
> - Leave him there until he came out
> - Go in there and harrass him (didn't work)
> 
> ...


What a wonderful idea!

Our apartment is small, one bedroom, one study, and a living room. We don't have TV, so neither of us spend time in the living room, it is only for me to go there and enjoy my flowers sometimes. 

Our computer is in the study, he likes to read, he could go to the bedroom to read, but I told him that I don't feel we are together if he is in the bedroom and I am in the study, so I make him read in the study while I am on the computer.

I just like the feeling of us together even though we are not doing the same thing. 

My husband knows it and he understands it and he does it. 

He doesn't have a cave to go to. His cave is my cave!


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## WadeWilson (Jul 4, 2010)

Long as his cave is a sanctuary I wouldn't worry by that I mean nothing to distract him from the issues no porn no alcohol no joints and he is clearing his mind and gaining perspective you will be alright. 

But by all means not enter or you might meet the devil you never new you lived with, my wife can attest to this but instill we workout our issues.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

amanda1959 said:


> Interesting alot of men retreat when the marriage is in crisis. I have heard it called a "mancave". They go there (alot of men use the garage...When this happens to me I feel even more infuriated than before because he is shutting me out. Usually when he comes out he expects the problem to have miraculusly have disappeared. To me this is so rude and feels like abandonment. opinions?


Sometimes I think women handle discussions/conflict “unfairly”. I don’t mean that disrespectful in anyway, not at all. Just “unfairly” from my point of view. What do I mean? It seems to me women can keep “multiple threads” going on in a conversation/conflict at the same time and can jump out of a thread, into another for a while and then off to another thread. Analogous maybe to the threads on the forum. That is I think women very adapt at keeping multiple topics going on in the same single discussion/conflict. I’m sometimes truly in awe of how women can do that. It does astound me.

I think men on the other hand focus on just one topic at a time. Introduce another topic and for me my minds in trouble trying to track and “not respond” to them both. Introduce a third topic and my heads truly in a spin.

Then comes the “interruption” bit. I’ve managed to track the first topic without interrupting to clarify or understand a “point” or offer a solution. But when the second topic comes along I’m “compelled” to interrupt because I know as sure as eggs are eggs I’m going to lose track of the first topic. And if I lose track I’m not understanding and at that time I can’t see the “point” of the discussion/conflict at all.

So as a man I need time to get my head out of a “spin” and reflect on what “I think” I’ve understood. And I need time to get my emotions back on an even keel. And hence withdrawal to the cave.

Men and women are wired very differently and hence communication can at times be very difficult even though seriously good motivations, intent and a lot of love are in the mix. The number one people who know about the differences and how they affect communication and many other things are Alan and Barbara Pease Allan & Barbara Pease Official Site.

Bob


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## AnoukNZ (Oct 18, 2010)

I learned that I need to just let him stay in the cave for as much as he needs or feels like . It was not an easy think to learn... It is easier if you can find something else to do as well in the meantime or if you can quietly join him.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

:


F-102 said:


> When a man goes to his cave, he is going there to think deeply, to come up with a solution to whatever problem there is. He is not shutting you out, he just needs to be alone. Trust me, he will be back. And PLEASE, don't go in after him, or you will find that the dragon will burn you. You must let him come back on his terms.



:iagree:
He'll resurface, and be much happier.


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