# Why does my wife behave this way in bed?



## mg96969 (Feb 4, 2013)

Hi all, new to the forum, and this is my first post.

I have been attached to my wife for 19 years (married for the last 9). We are both 43, both work and have two young children 8 and 3.

As usual sex before marriage was great and frequent. Since then, and the arrival of our first child, it has been reduced a to a routine 2/3 times a month (and always on a Saturday night).

What concerns me is that she seems to be increasingly "disconnected" from me during our love-making. She has turned her head on occasion when I try to kiss her on the lips. She always stimulates herself by hand when we are having intercourse, and will continue to do so after I have climaxed. During the latter, however, she does not want any physical contact from me, and usually looks the other way, so I just lie there like a lemon waiting for her to finish. 

On our sex nights, she always has quite a lot to drink before hand. When we go to bed, she will often spend a good half an hour plus talking about mundane stuff like work, the kids, etc.... and then its like "right, better get down to it before one of us nods off!" She does sometimes like to read sexy stories to get her going (which can be a bit demoralising when I have spent the preceeding 15 minutes trying to do the same). A couple of nights ago, I produced a new book for her to read. She started reading the first story, then asked if I read any of it. I told her I just read the first one, to see what it was like, and as soon as I said this she flicked to another story. I questioned her about that, and she just said she didnt like the idea of me knowing what she was reading (and ultimately turning her on).

I feel like she is only having sex with me because its "her duty" and that she takes no pleasure from anything I do to her.

I trully love and fancy my wife and want her to feel the same way about me.

Please help me understand why she might be behaving like this. Is there any hope at all?


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Sounds like shes emotionally checked out of the marriage for whatever reason. Which for some people emotional checking out usually leads to physical checking out.

Also you said she spends a good half hour talking about mundane things like work and kids, maybe they are not mundane to her.


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## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

mg96969 said:


> I feel like she is only having sex with me because its "her duty" and that she takes no pleasure from anything I do to her.
> 
> I trully love and fancy my wife and want her to feel the same way about me.
> 
> Please help me understand why she might be behaving like this. Is there any hope at all?


I believe your feeling is correct. Do you have any idea what would cause such a thing: depression, past infidelity or some other resentment? The answer probably lies somewhere in your past.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

My ex once started eating an apple when I was trying to awaken whatever it was that was dead inside her.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

hookares said:


> My ex once started eating an apple when I was trying to awaken whatever it was that was dead inside her.


:lol: Sorry I didn't mean to laugh, but the way you put that, was pretty funny.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

mg96969 said:


> When we go to bed, she will often spend a good half an hour plus talking about mundane stuff like work, the kids, etc.... and then its like "right, better get down to it before one of us nods off!"


^^^

Above is your wife trying to get her needs met...so that she can feel desire for you. She is disconnecting from you BECAUSE she isn't getting her needs met. The quoted statement above suggests to me that 'conversation and being listened to' is the unmet need.

To her (mundane) conversations may be just as important as having sex is to you. Do you get that? 
How many hours a week do the two of you spend together chatting and connecting. 15 hours is the suggested minimum. 

There is an excellent book called His Needs Her Needs. It covers all this for BOTH of you. Makes great bedtime reading too.


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## JWilliams (Jul 2, 2012)

Try reading the story to her? 

Find a story she reads over and over and reenact it for her


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

because shes just not into you anymore. there sombody had to say it.


have some respect for yourself and quit trying to have sex,make love or whatever you want to call it. until she acts like she wants to have sex with you. or shuffle on down the road. do the 180 and improve yourself and look for a more worthy woman.


good luck.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

That happened to me way back, before I met my wife, wife my ex girlfriend. She would turn her head and just lay there. I thought it was odd and then I found out she was still seeing her ex boyfriend now and then (not sexually). Seeing someone else a possibility?

If its not that, I would once every month, completely surprise her with flowers, romantic card, her favorite chocolates and have dinner ready before she gets home. Then give her an oil massage back and front, cuddle with her, listen to her mundane things, watch a movie together. Pick a day were you can do this and the kids are at their friends place or grandparents place, etc. See how she's respond with that type of a surprise.....I know my wife loves it because I'm getting really good at being discreet and secretive about it.

How about giving her oral to orgasm every time before you have sex. I'm sure she'd really love that. Or buy a toy for her, watch an adult movie more for women with her.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Jamison said:


> :lol: Sorry I didn't mean to laugh, but the way you put that, was pretty funny.


Not at the time, but it was funny once I got clued into the rest of her indifference.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

mg,

She stimulates herself during intercourse because she is like most women, she cannot have an orgasm from penetration only. Do you realize that this is normal for most women?


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## mg96969 (Feb 4, 2013)

Thanks all for the replies.

Fact is, life is stressfull what with juggling work, the kids, household etc (but isnt it for everyone?). We don't get any external help and life does 100% revolve around the kids. Come evening time we are both wacked out, and tend to crash out in front of the tv (her preference, not mine).

She tells me she is finding the above hard to cope with. Sadly she doesnt have many outlets in the way of friends or external hobbies, and she has also been disowned by her own family (coincided with the birth of our second child). I try to compensate for this as best I can by doing chores, doing the school and nursery runs and looking after the kids if she chooses to go out. I made a big career sacrifice a few years back becoming a full time home worker so that I could help out more. She on the other hand has been able to move onwards and upwards and now earns 40% more than me. Ironically, she did once say in a heated argument that if I had a better job and earned more, she wouldn't have the "burden" of bringing home the bacon. Someone above mentioned resentment? I dunno.

I have tried talking to her about trying to make things better, but nothing ever changes. She keeps saying she is too tired all the time, and inevitably resumes her fave position in front of the tv. Mention sex, and my feelings about it and she goes bananas, cries and accuses me of piling more pressure on her.

I do believe fundamental changes have to happen in our lives. The big question however is whether the damage already done is repairable.


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## mg96969 (Feb 4, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> mg,
> 
> She stimulates herself during intercourse because she is like most women, she cannot have an orgasm from penetration only. Do you realize that this is normal for most women?


Hi Ele.

Sure I know this, and I never had a problem with it in the past. Insecurity is making me question everything now though..


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

mg96969 said:


> Hi Ele.
> 
> Sure I know this, and I never had a problem with it in the past. Insecurity is making me question everything now though..


I can understand the insecurity. Feeling rejected by your spouse is a very painful thing to endure. This is one thing you do not need to feel insecure about though. So let this one go.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

waiwera said:


> ^^^
> 
> Above is your wife trying to get her needs met...so that she can feel desire for you. She is disconnecting from you BECAUSE she isn't getting her needs met. The quoted statement above suggests to me that 'conversation and being listened to' is the unmet need.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

mg.. the above is one of the most important things that you need to come to realize. Your wife's needs are not being met. I know that yours are not being met either. But you are the one who is here so the advice is being given for how you can start to fix things. One of you has to start making some changes. It's going to have to be you apparently.


For men sex is usually their most important need.


For women it's very often conversation. Women feel emotional connection through conversation. She does not want you to fix anything. All she wants is for you to listen to her and empathize. That's all. 


The two of you need to be spending 15 hours a week together. That's without the children, without friends, etc. Just the two of you. Yes life is stressful. We all work a lot. But you have to find the time. Once her needs are met, her desire for sex will increase. 


It takes at least 15 hours a week to maintain the connection and love in a marriage. Without that time you get what you have right now.


You would benefit from the books linked to below. Start with "His Needs, Her Needs". 


Some suggestions for meeting her needs. You say that she comes home and just sits in front of the TV. Can you sit with her? Will she let you cuddle her (with no expectation of sex)? You could give her a foot, back, scalp rub. Ask her about her day. Let the conversation flow. Doing things like this will slowly rebuild your connection. For women this is intimacy.


You might need to start looking to increase your income. She’s told you that she needs this.


In our society today we tend to bend the family to but the children in center focus. This is wrong. It produces spoiled children and destroyed marriages. The relationship between the parents needs to be number one.


I'm sure you have flown on an aircraft. The stewardess tells people that if they are flying with a child to put their air mask on first and then put the mask on the child. The reason is that if the adult passes out first the child will not get their air and will die. Well marriage is like that... the parents need to take care of their relationship to make a strong foundation for the children.


You need to find ways to spend more time together. After the children are in bed every day is a good start. Then on weekends, every weekend get several hours together. Hire a baby sitter if you need to. I used to even hire a baby sitter.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

My two cents.

Your wife doesn't sound like she's interested in having sex _with you._
You said that there was that connection before and sex was good, and so the sudden change is perplexing to you. 
It should be.
You also mentioned that whenever you attempt to kiss her on her mouth, she turns her head.
Not a good sign at all.
The the long " prologue " about mundane stuff not remotely connected to sex just before sex speaks volumes.She is _not_ saying something.
She also has to drink a lot before sex , my guess its to mask her real feelings,because she is repulsed by you.
She seems not dissatisfied, but disconnected from you.

She wants sex, but not from you.
The real question is why.


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## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

I agree that it sounds like your wife has checked out emotionally and now physically...some reasons? (in no order of importance)
-she is depressed
-she is suffering from hormonal imbalance
-she is having an EA or PA
-no offense, but have you changed physically? hows your hygiene? Could your sexual techniques/approach need tweeking? Lots of tips on line or in books...
-her emotional needs are not being filled by you, women need mental foreplay way more than men.
_ASK HER YOURSELF! COMMUNICATE! Sit her down and in no uncertain terms, let her know this is important, this is serious, this is affecting your marriage negatively, you can take the truth, whatever it is, this has to dealt with now...


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## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> :iagree:
> 
> 
> In our society today we tend to bend the family to but the children in center focus. This is wrong. It produces spoiled children and destroyed marriages. .


:iagree::iagree:


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## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

Most important, ASK her what she would like you to do for her sexually, foreplay, etc. Do you assume that just because what you do EVERY single time worked once way in the past, it should work now? Women's tastes can change or become desensitized so new techniques may spice it up... Cut to the chase and simply ask her what she likes, you may be surprised...and it saves a lot of time with trial and error and is actually quite a turn on to be asked and then delivered upon...actually she sounds like she might be bored? Hopefully, you are giving her more than the wham, bam, thankyou Ma'm type of sex and are sincerely trying to please her, and expressing your love for her during sex...you sound like a very well meaning, concerned man who wants to make your marriage work...talk to her...good luck.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Caribbean Man said:


> My two cents.
> 
> Your wife doesn't sound like she's interested in having sex _with you._
> You said that there was that connection before and sex was good, and so the sudden change is perplexing to you.
> ...


:smthumbup::iagree:

OP, I believe this is the best advice in this thread. You may not like it, but what if Mr. Carribean is right? You're heading for even more trouble in the future if you don't do something about it.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

She has checked out. File for divorce leave now


Also there is no way to regain what is lost its best you deal with this logically. Do not allow yourself to be blinded by "love". I know this sounds hard but its for your best. People who tell you to "try work it out" don't have your best interests. Its clear as day she is checked out

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mg96969 (Feb 4, 2013)

Appreciate the replies all. Some harsh words there.

To answer the question about what I am like physically, I am slim, but probably not the best groomed or smartest male as I dont work in an office, so facial hair (stubble) and jeans is the norm. She doesn't like how it feels, but knowing this I always shave for our intimate nights. I also have psoriasis, which presents as raised red patches of skin. I have, however, had this for virtually the duration of relationship. She is overweight (obese) and has been battling this for years. I keep telling her I fancy her no matter what, but it doesn't register with her.

Trying to talk to her about it is not easy. She always reacts in a bad way (defensive and accusatory) whenever I try to talk personal about anything. Talk about the weather, work, kids, fine. Personal, no.

The rest I need to think about. I know I dont want to be without my kids - that would kill me, but I also don't want to be with someone who is repulsed by me. If I convince myself that that is the case, I too will have no problem checking out.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

is it nine 6969 or 9696 nine?


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

*I am sorry you are dealing with this issue. Sorry she sound depressed and turned off by you. She sees sex as work not fun. She has lost interest in the marriage. You need to start living your life without her.*


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## farmerswife (Nov 7, 2012)

You say she is overweight and this is something she has struggled with and that opens a whole new can of worms. When a women is overweight a lot of hormonal imbalances can take place. When your hormones are not balanced your sex drive is really out of whack, you can become very distant, depressed, it can be hard to reach orgasm, overweight, irritable, hair loss, skin issues, brittle nails, fatigue, loss of motivation, etc. I do Bio-Identical HRT for my hormonal imbalance and although I have never been overweight I did have a loss in sexual interest, (I still gave it to my H out of respect but he certainly had to work to get it.) as well as everything else I mentioned above. I too did not like to kiss my husband but now it feels like I am a teen again!

Another book that is a good, easy read for couples is Five Languages of Love by Gary Chapman. Despite what others have said...don't give up!


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

What are the dynamics if your relationship like?

Does she flirt with you? And you her? 

Have you both read the love languages book? If not its a good idea.

Does she nag you? 

Who does what in regards to house work etc? 

What happens when you disagree?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mg96969 (Feb 4, 2013)

Thanks farmerswife. Can that explain that level of repulsion?

Littledear,

As I said above, our day revolves our kids. She gets up about half an hour before me, gets ready for work, leaves, I then get kids dressed fed and off to nursery/school, work and do household chores, pick kids up, wife comes home then its full on kids till they are asleep (9.30 - 10pm). After that its tv as described above.

I do try to flirt, cuddle and kiss her but there is no reaction (increasingly so over time). She never does any of this, but then she has never been a touchy feely person.

We haven't read any books. I tried once to get her to watch a tv programme called Sex Inspectors where experts solve couples sexual problems, some of which have been very similar to ours, but she didn't want to know. She takes any suggestion like this as a personal attack, like I am saying you are no good in bed and need to change yours ways, so she gets defensive. This is why I can't talk to her about personal matters, or indeed anything where I have a difference of opinion. She is very stubborn, and its usually her way or no way. Knowing this about her, I tend to zip it, unless its something I feel very strongly about, like something concerning the kids, but this nearly always ends in an argument.

Does she nag? Not really, providing I do my bit around the house.

In terms of chores, she does a weekly clean on her 1 working from day a week (vacuuming, mopping, laundry), I do everything else, including cooking. That 1 day is a real missed opportunity to spend a bit of time together (subject to work of course), but she just wants to get on with the chores.

Having written all that, it all sounds pretty ****ty really. Any fresh opinions/conclusions?


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## farmerswife (Nov 7, 2012)

I strongly suggest the both of you read the Five Languages of Love by Gary Chapman and I think you need to remember that it will not be an overnight change in her. The book suggests that their are five different ways people express and receive love; touch, acts of service, quality time, gifts and words of affirmation. Before I started my hormone therapy my love language order (there is a quiz for both of you to take and find out your order) was Acts, QT, gifts, touch then words. His was the complete opposite but in the same order. Now that I have been on my thereapy for over a year my order is touch, QT, words, acts then gifts. 

To say I was repulsed offends me but that is the way I acted and I know that is how he took it. It certainly was not my intention. I had a real disinterest in sex. It felt like a job to me and sometimes still does which is in a new thread I posted yesterday. I did not want to have sex, tried to find excuses not to even. Before we had kids and during my first pregnancy I was HD then within four years we had four kids...I was always exhausted and I felt like sex was just another chore on my long list. H had a vasectomy and so I no longer needed to be on birth control (we became pregnant the first three times while I was on it because of my unknown hormone imbalance) the bc actually helped me feel normal. Our kids are more self sufficient now but still my main job BUT you have to put your marriage first. You NEED to be selfish as a couple. Do you have monthly date nights? At a *minimum* I suggest monthly. Even lunch dates are huge and since she has to go back to work it will ease her from not having to have sex which might make her want to since it is not excepted. Try to find out how she wants to feel love (out of the five) and then shower her with those top two or three. 

If you think she might have a hormonal imbalance, have her look into it. (All it takes is a blood draw to diagnose and it can be a real game changer.) Nothing you can do will change *IF* that is her problem.


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## mg96969 (Feb 4, 2013)

Sorry, I was not referring to you with that statement.

Thanks for the tips and I'll look into the book. 

Nice to hear that things have worked out for the better for you


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

It sounds like she feels responsible for her own pleasure.

That is, she views her sexual pleasure and your sexual pleasure as separate. She satisfies yours and then she moves on to satisfying her own. 

So the sex is "For you" instead of WITH you.

You need to fix that.


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

Goldmember357 said:


> She has checked out. File for divorce leave now
> 
> 
> Also there is no way to regain what is lost its best you deal with this logically. Do not allow yourself to be blinded by "love". I know this sounds hard but its for your best. People who tell you to "try work it out" don't have your best interests. Its clear as day she is checked out
> ...


I fully disagree with this

Oops well, the starts aren't aligning and I'm not getting everything I want so on to the next one! 

Marriage is not some disposable venture. 

Honestly.


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## mg96969 (Feb 4, 2013)

We had a chat a couple of days ago, and agree we both need to make more time for each other. Plan is, go out once a month (just two of us), one night without tv, try to go to bed at the same time, make time (2-3 hours per week) for the other to be alone and be able to do what they want (me time).

She says there is nothing wrong with her hormones and refuses to have them checked.

I have also made an effort on my appearance, shaving every day, dressing smarter, haircut etc. I have also changed my attitude towards the kids, by saying more "no" to them, as they have run things for too long. She must have noticed these changes in me, but hasn't said anything about it.

Its Friday today, so potentially sex night tomorrow. I just wanted some advise as to how to play it tomorrow should it go the usual route. Do I say no (what do I say?), or go along with it, but perhaps try something different? I am feeling really sensitive right now, and fear her reactions (or lack of them) in bed.

Thanks.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

mg96969 said:


> As usual sex before marriage was great and frequent. Since then, and the arrival of our first child, it has been reduced a to a routine 2/3 times a month (and always on a Saturday night).
> 
> What concerns me is that she seems to be increasingly "disconnected" from me during our love-making. She has turned her head on occasion when I try to kiss her on the lips. She always stimulates herself by hand when we are having intercourse, and will continue to do so after I have climaxed. During the latter, however, she does not want any physical contact from me, and usually looks the other way, so I just lie there like a lemon waiting for her to finish.


I am short on time and haven't read past your first post. Apologies if this is a repeat of ground already covered.

Is there any chance of sex abuse in her past? Or sex assault or other trauma? You describe behaviors very consistent with child sex abuse.


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## mg96969 (Feb 4, 2013)

She has not always been this way.

She does have a very domineering father, but she has never mentioned any sexual abuse to me.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

mg96969 said:


> W
> I have also made an effort on my appearance, shaving every day, dressing smarter, haircut etc. I have also changed my attitude towards the kids, by saying more "no" to them, as they have run things for too long. She must have noticed these changes in me, but hasn't said anything about it.
> 
> Its Friday today, so potentially sex night tomorrow. I just wanted some advise as to how to play it tomorrow should it go the usual route. Do I say no (what do I say?), or go along with it, but perhaps try something different? I am feeling really sensitive right now, and fear her reactions (or lack of them) in bed.


mg, what you are doing to improve yourself is good. But do not do it to get sex! Repeat after me: "I am improving for my own self, NOT TO GET SEX".

You cannot read her mind. What you can do is try the usual good ideas to improve yourself as a man and to improve as a husband. But be aware that these methods may not work if she is damaged from some kind of trauma or defect. Whatever caused her to change may or may not be reversible.

And you sound just like I did about 6 years ago with wondering what to do about the sex! I think you would benefit from the book No More Mr. Nice Guy and the forums at No More Mr. Nice Guy Online Support Group - Powered by vBulletin .

Start being declaritive about sex. Don't ask for sex, tell her you want to have sex (or whatever wording you two use). If she turns you down just go do something else and try to not show disappointment or anger.

Take the lead in bed more. I bet you have some hesitation out of worry whether she'll like it or not. Let her be the one to turn you down, don't turn yourself down! Even start simple with this. Just tell her to move over there or sit in the chair. Tell her "let's do it doggy style" or whatever it is you want to do that isn't your most usual position.

Be more decisive in general. Don't ask her, tell her. If you want to go out for dinner, tell her. Tell her "I want to go to Outback for dinner tonight". Don't do it in a questiony way as if you are waiting for her to agree. Just say it. If she doesn't like your choice she can offer another idea.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

mg96969 said:


> She has not always been this way.
> 
> She does have a very domineering father, but she has never mentioned any sexual abuse to me.


And if you ask her she may well say no even if there is some kind of trauma history. My wife said no 3 times when I asked her, and then 29 years later she tells me it did happen and it was pretty bad. The basic few facts you gave are consistent with child sex abuse. Being sexual before marriage, having difficulty after marriage, and then a big turn after a baby is born. But also it is consistent with her having wrong ideas about marriage and sex.

Some clues you might look for. Others in the family with abuse histories. Her mother, siblings, cousins. A sensitivity to the issues of abuse or rape, e.g. when a story is on the news or a plot line in a show. A mother with alcohol or other substance abuse (this might point away from sex abuse but indicate your wife was emotionally abused).

In bed your wife turning her head away is pretty classic of her checking out of the reality. My wife did this. Also my wife still doesn't like to kiss, which is related to a specific abuse event. Yet she is totally capable of wild oral sex.

You can't know what is in her mind or what she is hiding from you. What you can do is 3 things. 

1) Make personal improvements according to what you value as making you a better person. 

2) Set clear expectations with her via clear communications. You desire good sex with your wife, and good sex is an important part of a healthy marriage. 

3) Set boundaries. These can be silent or spoken. You can set lines in the sand for yourself. Either she does X or I will do Y. There should be some spoken boundaries. You will not remain in a sexless marriage. She will participate meaningfully in the process of figuring out how to build this marriage into something really good for both of you, or you will leave. She will seek medical advice and/or psychological advice for her _abnormal_ sexuality within the marriage.

I had an unspoken line in the sand when I confronted my wife about our broken marriage that she either agree to (and participate in) marriage therapy or I would divorce. That is a pretty big threat to say out loud so it is one I kept silent.


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