# LD wife issues



## cruiser (Jul 8, 2011)

Hi all,

After lurking on this board for a while looking for ways to improve my relationship I've decided to actually post a question.

DW and I have been married almost 13yrs with 3 kids which are 11, 8, and 4. Our story is similar to many others busy lives, kids activities me working 2 jobs and her a SAHM. For many years now I feel as though we had grown apart, losing who we were as a couple. However both of us are conflict avoiders and wouldn't address our problems with each other.

Over time I began to build resentment over the lack of physical affection from my wife. I have always been HD, would like sex daily if possible. My wife on the other hand LD and says herself she never thinks about it. For a long time I felt that because she never came to me for sex or rarely initiated meant she must not feel anything for me. Anyway for years and years we never communicated to each other anything about "us" and went on with our lives of working and taking care of the kids and house.

Fast forward to 4 months ago and I had a sort of awakening, realizing that something had to change in our marriage and one of us needs to make a move. So with the help of this and another marriage board I started to work on myself and see what I could do for her. It was amazing looking at my actions over the past twelve years and seeing all the mistakes that I made. I needed to improve as a husband and a father, it's very much a work in progress but I think I'm doing pretty good and so does my lovely wife.

I am fortunate that she will rarely flat out refuse to have sex. And the first month of this "new me" we made love almost every day and it was great. I saw a huge change in my happiness and outlook on life, the kids, everything. Little things also didn't bother me as much. I saw just how badly I had stuffed and tried to suppress my sex drive, when as long as I wasn't doing things to turn her off, all I had to do was initiate.

Our communication has improved 1000% and I love it, just talking to her or spending time with her. We even spend some nights just playing scrabble together. We are now down to ML about 3 time a weeks which is probably more normal.

The problem I have is her lack of initiation, whether it be a passionate kiss when I get home for work or just saying "hey I think it's time for bed 'wink wink' ". Physical touch for me is my #1 love language and sometimes I feel like it's always me reaching out to her. When what I would love is sometimes for her to reach out to me with that, I would be on cloud 9.

Now I know as the HD spouse that I will need to initiate most of the time. However it's hurt's me sometimes being always the one who's pursuing and never(rarely) being pursued, even though I know I shouldn't feel this way.

I guess now that I'm so much more aware of how I feel and what I need that this is starting to bother me. I have told her all of this( maybe I've told her too much):rofl: and wound up actually asking her if she could try to initiate maybe once a week. To this I got a response that it's "out of her comfort zone". She say there nothing I am doing that is a turn off for her so it's not that. I asked her if she's holding any resentment towards me and she says no. I just know that her doing this would mean the world to me and trying to let her know that.

So I guess my question would be is anyone out there in a similar situation and if so did your spouse ever start initiating more often and if so why?

Thanks, cruiser


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Do you smuggle on the couch and have physical contact outside of sex?
Does she know you want to feel desired through her demonstrating that she is physically attracted to you? It isn't about initiating so much as validation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cruiser (Jul 8, 2011)

Yes. I love snuggling on the couch with her, hugs, and non-sexual touch throughout the day. I have told her how much it means to me it just seems not to be on her radar most of the time. She has gotten much better at coming to me for hugs which is great. And has also starting sitting next to me on the couch and not across. Still looking for her to initiate kissing and sex, though.

Even I never realized how important these things were to me until recently.

Cruiser


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I would say that if she tells you it's outside of her comfort zone you've got to just keep communicating with her. This does not mean to just keep telling her that it's important to you and would she please initiate, that will quickly just be perceived as pressure and have the opposite effect. Try to figure out why it's outside her comfort zone and work on trying to move it into her comfort zone -easier said than done I know. I've been through a little of this with my wife, maybe she's sending some signal that to her is initiating that you don't see that way? It took me years to figure out that my wife rubbing her ankle across mine was code for "I wanna play." I'm not sure my wife even realizes that she does that but she does and that's what it means. The first thing you've got to do is get your wife comfortable getting outside of her sexual comfort zone with you - if you can do that it's like opening Pandora's box. Good Luck.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

This is a process. She is making progress, don't you think? I think two components are necessary : patience and communication. You recognizing your need after all this time is news to both of you. But you feel it more deeply because it emanates from within. She doesn't have that same POV. She is dealing with her roadblocks that emanate from within as well. Patience. Communication. Love.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Cruser so many women don't initiate and I know it is tiresome. Believe it or not it does not mean that she does not desire you. 

I have not yet been able to initiate with my husband. I live him very much and feel an intense sexual attraction to him. I want to and try to psych myself up but I chicken out. I had a Catholic school upbringing. It was drummed into our heads that women who tempt men or enjoy sex were evil. 

The story of Adam and Eve was trotted out as the biblical confirmation of Gods displeasure with women. Good girls don't. May seem silly because it's my husband but in my head I'm thinking what will he think of me. It's important to me that he not think badly of me. Crazy huh. 

I don't know what your wifes background is but it is frequently the influence of religion, family or social pressure that shapes a womans attitude towards sex. If you force the issue or seem unhappy about, she may initiate but it will take a lot of effort. And may make her feel uncomfortable. If she is uncomfortable she may avoid sex to avoid your displeasure. 

Sometimes it is just not who the women is. She may feel more passionate when you initiate. Try note to make this a big deal. She may take it to mean that you are unhappy with her. Try to be happy with what she does do. 

Welcome it and be careful about showing dissatisfaction. Not saying you do this but any show of anger, frustration or impatience as they make a shy person even more shy. Slow and steady and welcoming of any attempt to please you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

I agree with Catherine.

I am the lower drive spouse in my marriage, and I just find that I like my husband to be more dominant in the sexual arena and to make the first moves. It helps move me in the right direction. I do initiate now more over the last year than before - I don't know why - just have felt like it. Maybe all of the years of his patience and understanding have paid off and I do feel more secure in him and in myself from a sexual perspective.

I would concentrate on the good things that your wife is doing, and just keep initiating. Be the leader for her in this area, be confident, be patient, be persistent, be persuasive and you may find that all of your care and concern toward her will help her to blossom into being able to initiate more at some point.

Best wishes.


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## cruiser (Jul 8, 2011)

I guess other than just initiating there is also somewhat a lack of participation on her end in bed that I think is causing me some issues. Now this is not all the time, sometimes she really surprises me. It's just that there are times that I feel like she's letting me have sex with her rather then "we" are making love.

It is tough on my confidence when she seem less than thrilled during the act. I would be willing to spend hours enjoying her body but foreplay is not something she likes often, very ticklish. Almost never wants oral. So sometimes I get frustrated on how to get her going and she doesn't seem to know many times either. 

A couple of days ago I did tell her that initiating doesn't have to be ripping my cloths off(although I wouldn't mind), but just being the first one to suggest that we turn the tv off for the night and go to bed. The thing is there have been times where she has been wild and blown me away in the bedroom, it's just so rare. And the fact that I know she can be like that has me wondering why it isn't more often.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Cruiser when she has sex with you when she is not neccessarily in the mood, she is having it for you! She cares about your satisfaction and needs because she loves you. When you are dissatisfied and frustrated it confuses her. Do you really want her to fake great passion? If you approach sex with your wife as a mutually loving experience, can you accept her loving gesture with grace. Can you hold her and encourage her tell her how much you love her. 

Try this for a week, just focus on her and being loving and accepting. Make love without expectations of a class A performance on her part. Just concentrate on what is happening in the moment. Don't grade her performance just enjoy being with her. 

Do you think your expectations are realistic? Why not vow to be happy with your wife and enjoy the person she is and let her know that. Sex makes me feel vulnerable - if my performance is graded by my husband each time, i would never relax. Id spend my time watching myself hoping not to displease him. It would make for a stilted performence. That's an unpleasent way to make love dont you thnk. When you are busy evaluating her performence like it's a contest that makes it seem like it's all about you and not the both of you. 

If she graded your performence and showed frustrated when you don't hit the mark, how would you feel? 

Try to see it as making love not having sex - the difference is you concentrate on your partner and enjoy tge experience. Sex is all about getting the most sexul pleasure that you can. You can get a peak performence more frequently but it comes if she feels safe, that she will not frustrate or anger you, and she will not be judged. She relax even when she did not start out wanting to make love.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Quoted for truth. Cruiser - your W REALLY loves you. Don't let your own insecurities diminish that love. 




Catherine602 said:


> Cruiser when she has sex with you when she is not neccessarily in the mood, she is having it for you! She cares about your satisfaction and needs because she loves you. When you are dissatisfied and frustrated it confuses her. Do you really want her to fake great passion? If you approach sex with your wife as a mutually loving experience, can you accept her loving gesture with grace. Can you hold her and encourage her tell her how much you love her.
> 
> Try this for a week, just focus on her and being loving and accepting. Make love without expectations of a class A performance on her part. Just concentrate on what is happening in the moment. Don't grade her performance just enjoy being with her.
> 
> ...


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## Hubby01 (Jul 5, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> Quoted for truth. Cruiser - your W REALLY loves you. Don't let your own insecurities diminish that love.



He summed it up in one. 

His wife is letting him have sex with her.

I think this is one of those cases where she is doing the bare minimum to keep him on the line and thats about all.


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

Sorry Ladies.....the role of humanbeing, male/female, spouse/partner, parent, job etc comes with responsibilities. We have to accept the good with the bad. 

As a human we have the duty to look after the planet
As males and females we have the duty to ensure the continuation of the species
As a spouse/partner we have the duty to look after each other - in sickness and in health etc. 
As a parent we have the duty to give our offspring unconditional love, support etc
As an employee we have the duty to work hard etc.

All of the above roles include things we don't like doing - things that fall outside of our comfort zone - one role of a police officer (in the UK) is to attend sudden deaths, handle the deceased, go to mortuaries....it falls way outside my comfort zone, I hate it but I have to do it. It is my duty.

Cruisers wife has to accept that in her role as wife (and therefore lover) she sometiomes has to do things that fall outside of her comfort zone....like initiating sex with her husband.

If you accept the role of wife/parent/police officer etc you have to accept the good and bad sides.

Cruiser has done alot of 'self assessment'.... maybe his wife needs to do some aswell.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Sounds to me like you are making progress so don't sabotage it by pushing to hard or expecting to much to soon. I can tell by your initial post that she is slowly but surely changing over. You job now is patience and consistency. I went through this 30 years ago and it was a slow process but the day finally came when I pulled back a little and found that she came to me having realized she missed all the little hugs and kisses. After that day came it has been a mutual thing ever since. You are on the right track stick with it. 

One small piece of advice. Every now and then get her reved up go down on her get her to the big O and then get up and tell her that was just for you babe. Expect nothing for yourself in this encounter. that tells her you care about her needs too. Sex, to often is about what he needs not what she needs. She needs to know that you are interested in her needs without reward for yourself.


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## cruiser (Jul 8, 2011)

""Every now and then get her reved up go down on her get her to the big O and then get up and tell her that was just for you babe.""

I would love nothing more. However she rarely lets me do oral on her and even when I do she very rarely enjoys it. I even told I'd love to have a session where it was just her. But without me using my mouth or hands that makes it tough. It seems as though she wants to go from kissing to intercourse most of the time. And I don't always know if she has finished and asking her makes me feel weird and I think it bothers her. Even if I finish first it doesn't mean we have to be done in my eyes but she rarely wants to continue even if she didn't have an O.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi cruiser ~

I think if your wife is willing to make love with you she is showing her commitment to you. You need to accept that her drive and her response are different than yours, and don't think those differences mean that she does not care about you.

It is difficult to understand another person's drive when it is so different than your own. My husband and I are in this exact situation - he has always been very high drive, I have always been much lower. After many years of working together, we have gotten to a very good place. We each accept the other for what we are, we each are committed to working with each other, but we were once at the point where you are with your wife.

Your patience and persistence with your wife will pay off if she is truly concerned about you and your needs. Make sure that you are meeting the needs she has, make yourself in to the best man you can be, learn ways that please your wife, and you could be very surprised.

If you are not sure if she is being satisfied sexually, then don't be afraid to ask her. Let her know that her pleasure is one of your primary concerns.


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## cruiser (Jul 8, 2011)

I know alot of these things in my head and that should be enough. However I doesn't help ease the fact that I sooooo.... want to see that desire and passion in her eyes.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Have you ever heard the phrase "don't cut off your nose to spite your face", meaning when you take rash or single-minded action that it can hurt your own cause in the end.

If you continue to concentrate only on this aspect of it - a potentially selfish need on your part - you could be missing the great opportunities to grow your relationship with your wife which would allow her to get to that point.

It is a journey - it starts with a single step - and it continues with many steps and stops and detours along the way. Don't get hung up on the destination only and miss the beauty of the journey.


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## cruiser (Jul 8, 2011)

I agree with much of what's been said here except for me wanting my wife to have desire and passion for me as "selfish".

What if a spouse was on here claiming great frequent sex however they were unhappy with their spouse due to lack of communication? Say they needed quality time and conversation more than once a week from their spouse. Would that be seen as a selfish need. Or the spouse told them they had no desire to talk to them more than once a week.(aside from day to day necessities) 

Just saying. I do agree the last thing I want to do is push her away. But hey that's one of the reasons I'm here looking for feedback.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

cruiser said:


> I agree with much of what's been said here except for me wanting my wife to have desire and passion for me as "selfish".
> 
> What if a spouse was on here claiming great frequent sex however they were unhappy with their spouse due to lack of communication? Say they needed quality time and conversation more than once a week from their spouse. Would that be seen as a selfish need. Or the spouse told them they had no desire to talk to them more than once a week.(aside from day to day necessities)
> 
> Just saying. I do agree the last thing I want to do is push her away. But hey that's one of the reasons I'm here looking for feedback.


It is not wrong for you to want your wife to feel passion and desire for you. I think everybody wants their partner to feel that toward them - that is a normal, human thing, I think. 

'Tis only selfish if that desire is primarily without regard for what your partner may need or without consideration to what they may be going through. (The partner themself could also be selfish toward you in this regard.)

Has your wife ever been more sexual with you? Was there ever a time when she looked at you with more desirous eyes, so to speak?

If she was more sexual with you at some point, then it is there inside of her, and has just been suppressed for some reason. If she has never been more sexual with you, then she may have underlying issues that cause her to be repressed that may need additional help to explore and overcome.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I agree with Jezzas post on here, sometimes we need to be willing to come out of our comfort zones, this is loving when we KNOW & have had our spouses share how important this is to us, that we want this , desire this from them. 

I ask, how can we NOT give this ?? 


I, for one, do not find you selfish at all. I am more dominant than my husband (backwards situation here). If he quit inititating showing me some desirous passion ON HIS OWN, I would likely leave the man. ANd I love him dearly. It wouldn't be working for me at all (I know me all too well) , it is something I NEED, some of us are just LIKE THIS. 

There is another poster on here who has been struggling with this for a few years now, he loves his wife SO MUCH -but also can not just STUFF this and deny his feelings on it - he has many threads that bascially come down to his continual stuggle with her lack of initiation , showing desire for him, tares him up http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/19292-sex-last-thing-my-wifes-mind.html (read his 2nd paragragh)

For some MEN, even if they are the more aggressive , this is very very very important to them. You crave this and if you don't get it once in a while, it is deflating, you start loosing 
enthusiam. It is YOUR experience. Admitting this is NO sin , nor does it make you selfish. IN fact, I think it makes you LESS selfish as the men who can bang it without caring whether the woman is into it or not -those are the selfish lovers. THe wham bam thank you mams. 

My husband would be distraught if I couldnt orgasm , I do not find this selfish, but yeah, it is a good thing I can. We need to do what we can DO to enhance the others experience. 

You've stuffed it down long enough, you have been awakened, you are making great progress, I agree with the others, you don't want to mess this up right now , she seems to be willing to work with you. You don't want to badger of coarse, but you don't want to give up on the idea either if you know it will continue to eat at you. 

I see this as such an amazing LITTLE thing, It just blows my mind how a woman can not do this. Sorry. Even when I had my hang ups, I STILL initiated my dear husband. 

Read this to her ... I found this on a different sex forum one day, found it so darn inspirational that I copied it & threw it in a book I had, came here and recognized through another posters writings it was from her - kinda amazing. Compliments of ThreeTimesALady .....



> Sex is desiring him every time you look at him. Needing him to fill that wonderful yearning deep inside you that needs filling & to die for. Sex is having breasts that ached to be touched & loved & you can not live without it. Sex is waking him up in the middle of the night as you need him & want him & then you find that he wants you just as much & you make love for an hour & get up & have coffee & wonder where the years have gone. Sex is finding the thrill after years of a man that can still make you scream & turn you to mush. Sex is turning him into a crazy man who wants you more than his own life.
> 
> Now. Love is being able to see some fault in your lover but shutting your mouth for the good of a marriage. Love is having to give & take in a marriage. Learning where to stop an argument when it is not important to win. Winning sometimes can be losing. Love is being able to find in that precious other the boy in the man that you fell in love when you 1st married. Love is being able to go to the sexiest side of you & turn that man into mush after all these years. Love is being able to hear from your lover that if you die first he will follow you as he cannot live without you . Love is the sunshine in the morning when it is cloudy out but seeing him next to you makes your world. Love is being able to say screwing & not being embarrassed plus any other really dirty word in the bedroom as he loves it. The dirtier the better as we all know that ladies do not talk dirty with those wonderful words but we also know as ladies that when we enter our bedroom to our precious that we leave the lady at the door. We then turn into his sex siren. As hot & as sensual as can be. And then we all know that when we leave that bedroom we again pick up the lady. All us ladies must have the two faces of Eve. This makes for a very very fullfilling marriage, full of intimacy and Love. A man would never stray if he had this.


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## cruiser (Jul 8, 2011)

Yes she has initiated in the past. But after 12 years of what I would consider a sexless marriage(once a month maybe) she now feels uncomfortable about it. I mean once when we were dating she couldn't keep her hands off me during a drive through the woods and had to stop and get in the back seat for a BJ. :smthumbup: There have been other occasions but that one really sticks out. No lack of enthusiasm there.

That's the thing, I've seen what she is capable of, even a few times recently. It just seems to be a combination of her lack of desire then my initiating and her not being into it much of the time.

One more curious comment from her was when I asked her if she could initiate maybe once a week. She mentioned how much men needed sex and used the word "entitlement". She then said that's not how she feels.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

What if you worked like hell to get something going,finally got her pulse sped up to higher than reptile numbers and halfway through simply stopped, got up and left the room commenting. "Yeah I'm just not into it. Sorry, that's how I am."


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## cruiser (Jul 8, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> What if you worked like hell to get something going,finally got her pulse sped up to higher than reptile numbers and halfway through simply stopped, got up and left the room commenting. "Yeah I'm just not into it. Sorry, that's how I am."


As funny as this is I couldn't imagine anyone ever doing this. I would NEVER do anything to intentionally hurt my wife. Still trying to make up for the unintentional hurts.

Really I just want to get our sex life on track so that we're both happy and satisfied and don't feel pressured, uncomfortable, intimidated, shy or awkward. I believe she wants the same. Just how do we get there?


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

That last bit is concerning. Entitlement - there is some resentment there. She won't admit it so I would not advise asking about it directly. 

Do you think she feels pressure with the frequency of sex now? One thing to think about - if you are showing the lest bit of dissatisfaction she may see that as you feeling entitled. Usually, when someone feels entitled they don't feel the need to be appreciative. If they are not getting what they think they are entitled to in the exact way they want they may actually reject what they get. 

Not saying this is you - just exploring the issue of what entitlement may mean to her. Can you see that by expressing dissatisfaction when things are improving and she is trying to meet your needs as best she can, that you may actually be making her resent you? She is trying but it is not good enough for you and you let her know.

You're right, it still is not at a level that satisfies you totally but you can get there if you build on success. Your efforts have met with partial success, you have a seedling that needs nurturing and you want it to start making fruit before it's ready. You still have to work carefully to coax your wife's inner freak out again. you can't do that if you don't consolidate your gains before moving forward. 

I think you are being impatient and you may be screwing things up. I say that because of her entitlement comment. 

Think of what made her so passionate before marriage. She was reacting to the situation she was in. You both newly in love, romantic, wanting to please each other so you did things to strengthen then that bond. if there anything you can do that may simulate those times periodically. A weekend away, a vacation to an all inclusive resort maybe.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I don't know how you get there. I am constantly puzzled how the general consensus is that the normal spouse is the one who's supposed to make a 100% of the concessions and compromises. If being a cold fish who's indifferent to their spouse is a medical disability then I want the insurance company to reimburse me for something. At least get me a handicap parking hanger for the car. The point I got to was that I already have a job, and a boss and performance reviews and crazy supervisors who don't give a crap about anything except them. If you expect me to literally do 100% of the work before during and after sex for the sheer thrill of still being turned down 99% of the time because you 'have issues', no thanks. My spouse is an immovable mountain and since that mountain REFUSES to come to Mohammed, well, this Mohammed's got something better to do. Sorry.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

It is not fair Runs but what can he do. If he concentrates on how unfair it is that he has to have a masters in human behavior to have a passionate love life with his wife, he will decent into despair. It is what it is unfortunately. 

I think there is a reason God made men natural problem solvers, they need that quality to deal with women ;o}.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

To what end though. Throwing a turkey really really hard up in the air isn't going to make it fly.


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## cruiser (Jul 8, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> My husband would be distraught if I couldnt orgasm , I do not find this selfish, but yeah, it is a good thing I can.


This is sort of how I feel, maybe not distraught but her pleasure is very important to me possibly even more than my own. It's just very seldom that she will be that into it. Believe me we've had nights where she soaked the bed. IT WAS AWESOME! but those times have been less and less. I get so much out of watching her experience pleasure that the fact that she doesn't have a drive for me to give her these O's is part of what bothers me.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

cruiser said:


> This is sort of how I feel, maybe not distraught but her pleasure is very important to me possibly even more than my own. It's just very seldom that she will be that into it. Believe me we've had nights where she soaked the bed. IT WAS AWESOME! but those times have been less and less. I get so much out of watching her experience pleasure that the fact that she doesn't have a drive for me to give her these O's is part of what bothers me.


See, I understand what you are saying very well, as my husband is the same way. I think the more sensitive men are like this. (just my thoughts) This is WHY I get a little nervy about any type of "selfish" comments, It just makes me want to defend. 

My husband didn't hassle me near at all for sex in the past, and the reason being, it would seriously be hollow if I was not "into him", it meant the WORLD to him if I came on to him. *HE ALWAYS put my pleasure before his*, just as you feel. I couldn't go longer than a week without it myself so he knew if he waited it out, I would be all over him. Likely carried him till the next encouter even. He would have loved 4-6 times a week, the most we ever did was 2 times, that happened every now & then. 

When I learned he felt this way (pretty much suffering in silence) after opening up the sexual dialog between us, first I cried and then I YELLED at him for being TOO SELFLESS. I told him I wouldn't be like that! He should have talked to me about it, I had a right to KNOW how he was feeling. *Too much of a nice guy*, it never helps you in life & marraige. I never wanted to hurt him like that ! 

I think you should get this book right here - IF she may be willing to read it with you. Amazon.com: Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships (9780805058260): David Schnarch Ph.D.: Books

I wish I could remember the pages but one part goes in great depth about how this husband was* feeling *because his wife just lacked interest in him sexually & it was hurting him deep deep inside, he was another very sensitive man who NEEDED this from his wife. With the help of this Therapist, they overcame these things. 

She vowed to show desire for him, she worked on that, which helped when her eyes were opened to how it made him feel. He had something to work on too -in regards to her (I forget) but the marraige flurished after they made these changes for the love of each other. 

This is what you need. 

Have you ever gave her any scenerios to what you would love for her to do, to say? Just little things. Just to try & get her feet wet a little. Even if she just tried something starting out once every 2 weeks at 1st, till she becomes a little more comfortable. Baby steps is ok, so long as she is in with you . Sounds like you have come along way, no stopping now. 

And you know she has it in her, she has felt it at one time.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Cruiser,
Read this link and let us know what you think. 


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/21278-thermostat-ultimate-barometer-your-r.html





cruiser said:


> This is sort of how I feel, maybe not distraught but her pleasure is very important to me possibly even more than my own. It's just very seldom that she will be that into it. Believe me we've had nights where she soaked the bed. IT WAS AWESOME! but those times have been less and less. I get so much out of watching her experience pleasure that the fact that she doesn't have a drive for me to give her these O's is part of what bothers me.


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

I sort of go along with Runs on this one (no matter how hard you throw a turkey into the sky it still won't fly...hahahahahaha!!!!)

There seem to be alot of us on here (both male and female) who are married to people who don't want, don't care, aren't interested in sex. We come here to let off steam, whinge, seek help and guidance etc.
There is one common thread...its all our fault. 
WE don't understand our spouse
WE should 'woo' them more
WE should buy them flowers more often
WE should help more with the housework
WE should understand hormonal changes
etc etc (OK...I'm speaking as a male here!!)

Cruiser has looked at himself, seen his faults and is trying to change himself for the better. His wife, apparently is just 'lying' there and enjoying all the attention and saying 'Sorry darling, I just can't bring myself to initiate'. Bollocks. Of course she can.

Enchantment and her husband have reached a place of mutual understanding. Great news for them. Really.

It seems that if there is a sexual issue within a marriage its generally to do with the wife being LD. 
Instead of telling the man to understand, be patient, supportive etc the wife should be told quite clearly and in no uncertain terms to get a grip (no pun intended!), pull herself together and atleast meet her husband half way other wise he will walk. 
Sorry, but its a fact.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

jezza said:


> I sort of go along with Runs on this one (no matter how hard you throw a turkey into the sky it still won't fly...hahahahahaha!!!!)
> 
> There seem to be alot of us on here (both male and female) who are married to people who don't want, don't care, aren't interested in sex. We come here to let off steam, whinge, seek help and guidance etc.
> There is one common thread...its all our fault.
> ...


You are right in that it definitely takes two to tango. Marriage is made up of two people and it requires commitment from BOTH of them to keep the marriage going.

However, I have seen numerous threads on the board from women in despair that have husbands that are low drive or that are just totally unconcerned for their wife, so I don't think it's just a problem with low drive wives - it's just issues that result from differing drives, period.

In another thread recently, I noted that it's a very common problem to have a marriage with disparate drives. That's just life. However, if there is not commitment from both parties to try and 'meet somewhere in the middle', then there's likely other issues in the relationship that need resolution and some hard decisions that may need to be made.

My impression of cruiser's wife is that she is trying and slowly coming around - just maybe not fast enough or to the extent to his liking. In that case, it's best not to push too hard but to keep patiently moving forward. If she has willingness and commitment, there's a good chance she'll come around.

In my own personal case, I have been married 23 years now. Not all of them were a bed of roses - we definitely went the rounds on trying to resolve our drive issue. It actually was me that had the foot out the door because I felt my husband was being totally unreasonable and uncaring about some things that were going on. It took the fact that I was going to walk to wake him up enough to be willing to work on it, and it has worked out well for both of us. In some cases, it does take the step of being willilng to leave before something happens.


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## cruiser (Jul 8, 2011)

Well DW and sat last night had some wine and read through this thread together. Had a good couple hours of discussion on the topic and I believe with a better understanding of each other. And of course the evening ended well. It turns out she also kind of feels the same as me where she gets much of her enjoyment from sex knowing that I enjoyed it. So if she doesn't O and shouldn't feel disappointed because sometimes just my O'ing is enough for her.

I thought she would benefit from reading some of the opinions on here. She said she relates mostly to the things that Enchantment and Catherine wrote. I think for us it's mostly a communication issue and it's going to take time and patience.

The thing is maybe I am rushing things a bit, but only because I look back on the last 12 years and think of what could have been. And that almost make me feel like I need to catch up or something. Anyway, taking the kids out for a "daddy" day and giving her a much needed day with no kids.:smthumbup:


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

cruiser said:


> Well DW and sat last night had some wine and read through this thread together. Had a good couple hours of discussion on the topic and I believe with a better understanding of each other. And of course the evening ended well. It turns out she also kind of feels the same as me where she gets much of her enjoyment from sex knowing that I enjoyed it. So if she doesn't O and shouldn't feel disappointed because sometimes just my O'ing is enough for her.
> 
> I thought she would benefit from reading some of the opinions on here. She said she relates mostly to the things that Enchantment and Catherine wrote. I think for us it's mostly a communication issue and it's going to take time and patience.
> 
> The thing is maybe I am rushing things a bit, but only because I look back on the last 12 years and think of what could have been. And that almost make me feel like I need to catch up or something. Anyway, taking the kids out for a "daddy" day and giving her a much needed day with no kids.:smthumbup:


Yah! :smthumbup:

I can relate to your wife. I do not O every time, but still very much enjoy "the ride" and love my husband's O. It took my husband a while to accept this, but once he did and understood that for me it's as much or more an emotional journey and connection, it helped tremendously.

Great steps! I wish you two continued success! Concentrate on the wonderful times you have NOW and can have in the future, not on what didn't happen in the past.


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## cruiser (Jul 8, 2011)

Another great evening with DW. She enjoyed the day alone, even told me she took a nap but felt guilty about it. lol I said I would have been happy if she just laid around and did nothing all day. One other thing she reveled to me was her feeling maybe cautious at first that the changes she was seeing were not going to last. Also a little bit of me be "right there" every evening in what had become "her" time over the years.

Funny thing was last night we were laying on the couch together watching tv and talking when we both got kind of silly and laughing for no real reason which then turned into sex right on the couch. I mentioned after how great is was to just laugh and be silly with her and how we don't do that enough. No need for everything to be so serious(mostly on my end).


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

Good for you Cruiser! Well done! I'm glad your wife has realised that she has to do her part aswell...even though it might not come to her naturally.
A good, happy and successful marriage doesn't come easily, it needs constant effort (rewarding effort). 
You realised you needed to change and make more effort and now it looks as if your wife is doing the same!

In general, men have far higher sex drives than women (its in our blueprint!)... I feel that whilst we are expected to respect, understand, 'accommodate' the way women are - monthly hormonal mood swings, wanting to be cherished etc (and I say that with the greatest respect) very often OUR needs (sexual) are simply ignored or we are accused of being sex maniacs. 

If I want sex twice a week and my wife is happy with once a month then we need to meet in the middle...maybe once a week. 
But I truly believe that once women have had children their natural default is to forget about sex. 
Sure you get get extremes where women with children are 'rampant', but in the majority of cases women have to make a conscious effort to have sex.
....and for many of them making that conscious effort rarely happens.
I'm not being sexist atall, its just the way we are wired!


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

jezza said:


> Good for you Cruiser! Well done! I'm glad your wife has realised that she has to do her part aswell...even though it might not come to her naturally.
> A good, happy and successful marriage doesn't come easily, it needs constant effort (rewarding effort).
> You realised you needed to change and make more effort and now it looks as if your wife is doing the same!
> 
> ...


Just make sure you don't ignore what the needs are of your wife! Getting her needs met too can sure make it a lot easier for a wife to want to rub toes under the sheets.


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

Enchantment...I agree...the more a man pays attention to his wifes needs etc the higher the chance of him getting his needs met.

I feel that it is the duty of the husband to look after his wifes needs
just as it is the wifes duty to look after her husbands needs.
What I'm saying though, is that all too often, post children, sex for a women simply leaves the 'comfort zone' therefore she doesn't think about it. No amount of neck/feet massages will bring her 'round' because its as if 'sex' has been removed from her hard drive. 
So flowers, wining/dining, helping with chores etc etc does not = reward because she just doesnt think about sex atall. 

Women like this are in the minority (though you'd think the majority looking here!)...

I belong to the growing number of men (I believe) who have tried the wooing, done the wining and dining, bought the flowers, just been a general all round 'good' husband and who get once a month, grudgingly, pity sex.
Why do we stay? Because everything else outside the bedroom is fine and because of young children.

How do we deal with our (natural) sexual urges.......?......Exactly!


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## Parrothead (Jul 4, 2011)

cruiser said:


> Hi all,
> 
> After lurking on this board for a while looking for ways to improve my relationship I've decided to actually post a question.
> 
> ...


It seems to me that maybe you need to make her want sex enough to overcome her shyness or whatever her issue is. DW recommended a book to me that she had heard about here. (It was all about oral, hint, hint). The book didn't tell me anything I didn't already know, but it did remind me of some things that I had forgotten about. One thing led to another and the rest is history.

It turns out that we had just gotten out of the habit. Maybe it's just that simple for you as well. You might ask her if there is anything she would like in particular.

Just a suggestion.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I refuse to put it on a spectrum. I'm not anything-D. I'm just normal. My wife is not normal. Zero is not normal. It doesn't exist on a spectrum. So I refuse to accommodate abnormal any more than I have already. Call a spade a spade already. 

Oh if I only do....and then.... to be followed by yet more.......

It won't make any difference because that's what abnormal is. All you're arguing about is what YOUR personal minimal acceptable threshold, as close to zero is. Because abnormal doesn't change. Abnormal is thrilled with itself. And anything you do to nudge abnormal even a little will only result in you being just as unsatisfied and frustrated and your partner being angry at you because you expect abnormal not to be abnormal. 

Sorry, but people don't operate like that.


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## B Truthful (Jul 24, 2011)

So I guess my question would be is anyone out there in a similar situation and if so did your spouse ever start initiating more often and if so why?

Thanks, cruiser[/QUOTE]

I've read your problem and mine is somewhat similar. My wife does initiate and I do enjoy it when she does but, she doesn't initiate enough. In fact her drive is low to the point of about once every ten days. She's an at home wife and 15 yrs my junior and I don't know what the problem is. Can anybody help us?

We are deeply in love with one another as far as I can tell. But we need help.

Thanks,
B Truthful


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## cruiser (Jul 8, 2011)

Well we have had quite a week. Her initiating, used a vibrator on her for the first time ever, sex ever night I have been home. WOW talk about surprised and happy. I even confessed to her that I could see how one could feel pressure by always being pursued by ones spouse, never being able to have sex on your timeline. Anyway we've gone from quickies to 3 times in one day over the last few weeks and everything in between. 

Even her reading here I think has given her some insights on other peoples thoughts on this subject. I have told her how amazed I am about this past week and how great it's been, I think she has enjoyed it also.:smthumbup:

Since the beginning of the year DW has been going to the gym and eating better, she has made great strides in her health and fitness. She now looks at herself with approval instead of disappointment. Which has been very good for her self esteem. I love seeing her looking at her body with satisfaction, however I have always seen her this way no matter what her weight, I am just happy that she sees herself now as I've always seen her.


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## cruiser (Jul 8, 2011)

B Truthful, my wife said you should challenge your wife to see how many times you 2 can have sex in a week. :iagree:


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I am so happy things are working out well. 

I just wanted to add my experience re having a orgasm with every sex session. I have an orgasm about 50 % of the time my husband and I have sex. I do not feel deprived or frustrated. Sometimes it just will not happen, I don't know why but I assume that I am normal since there are many women like me. Sex is just as enjoyable for me wheather or not I have an orgasm. 

If I never had an orgasm and my husband did not seem interested in my pleasure than that would be a problem. On the other, hand if he was overfocused on my orgasms that would be a problem too. If your approach is loving and you both take care to make sex mutually enjoyable then a 100% orgasm hit rate is not required for most woman. 

However each women if different and their tolerance for anorgasmic sex differs as well. You can find the balance if you communicate you will strike the right balance. Also things change from time to time influenced by menstral cycle, stress, age etc. 

It takes communication and a light fun approach to sex. But we have always explored what makes things work for me. We try new things that I never thought I would try and find enjoyable. New sexual adventures for me as a LD spouse where we have fun being nauthy is arrousing to me. 

Since your wife is open to reading would reading "his needs her needs" be a book that might help you both. Remember that your sex life will go through periods so don't get into a bad place if for some reason things slow down for one reason or another. Just approach things calmly and know that things will improve. Keep communicating and never act frustrated or angry about sex. Those emotions are easy to misinterpret as unhappiness with your wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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