# Bait and switch in reverse?



## username2012 (Oct 10, 2012)

I've been lurking on here for awhile and read a lot about guys who feel they've gotten a "bait and switch" from their wives. They meet their wife, the relationship is great, they have tons of sex, then they get married and the woman loses interest and suddenly becomes LD. The man is (understandably) frustrated, angry and confused.

But is the man still treating his wife like he did when she was his girlfriend? Does he still shower her with attention, affection, compliments? Does he take her out on romantic dates and trips? Does he make her feel special, desired, wanted?

I know that marriage is bound to change the relationship and I'm not saying that men have to keep up the "chase" forever. But women want to feel chased sometimes. I think (sometimes, not always) guys just expect the sex to keep up at pre-marriage levels but they don't keep up the romance, flirting and pursuit. Thoughts?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

JustPuzzled said:


> Maybe. I do not know what my smart, pretty wife would be like if I did not:
> -try to keep in shape
> -let her know how much I simply enjoy her company
> -tell her honestly what is special about her
> ...


FYI, I'm printing this out to give to my beloved... dear honey, do this. YES! Signed your forlorn wife.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

When my husband stopped being sweet and making effort outside the bedroom....the sex became so impersonal that I just stopped. Yuck. I could do myself better.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

My husband is very probably ADHD. One of the hallmarks of that is something called hyper-focus. So, while dating his was a very attentive, caring, affectionate guy who really worked hard to meet my needs and help me to feel wanted and loved. After the wedding, though, he sort of moved me from the "to do" list to the "done" list. He's goal oriented. Marrying me was the goal. After the goal was reached, his attention immediately shifted to his next goal. And he utterly stopped all of the attentive behaviors he'd displayed pre-wedding. I was just supposed to continue to function properly as his wife with no further input from him. 

Sort of like how some people are with buying a new appliance. You need a new dishwasher. You do all the research, make lists of your needs and wants, decide on the pros and cons of the various features, maybe ask around for recommendations. For weeks, you're focused on picking the best dishwasher to meet your needs. But after you bring your choice home, you just expect it to work, to meet your needs, and to not have to spend anymore time thinking about it. 

For my husband, I was that dishwasher. He was actually fairly pissed off anytime I required any maintenance or attention in order to function correctly after we married. I was just supposed to hum along working, doing housework, raising our son and providing sex when he wanted it without any further input or attention from him. 

Is that a bait and switch? I don't know. It's just the way he is.


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## MissMe (Feb 26, 2013)

Rowan how is this working for you? Sounds rather dreary.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

how this a reverse? it's still a bait and switch


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

MissMe said:


> Rowan how is this working for you? Sounds rather dreary.


It doesn't work. It just took me way too long to figure it out. By the time I realized that nothing I could do would make him interested in being the husband I thought I was getting when we married, he'd already had several affairs. He has a high need for novelty and tends to hyper-focus on whatever the next shiny new thing is. When I was the shiny new thing, he focused on me. When I was just the wife, he focused on other things - from hobbies to friends to other women. 

Whether it is intentional or not, not being able to keep yourself mentally, physically and emotionally engaged in your primary relationship is a fundamental problem.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

No two marriages are alike. Some spouses cherish their SO and are more interested in trying to do more for them thean they can possibly receive in return.
Others find out that after marriage, what they hoped would turn out to be "more", is never going to be enough and they start withholding from their partner even if it means that they have to find some other person to give it to.


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## geek down (May 10, 2012)

username2012 said:


> I've been lurking on here for awhile and read a lot about guys who feel they've gotten a "bait and switch" from their wives. They meet their wife, the relationship is great, they have tons of sex, then they get married and the woman loses interest and suddenly becomes LD. The man is (understandably) frustrated, angry and confused.
> 
> But is the man still treating his wife like he did when she was his girlfriend? Does he still shower her with attention, affection, compliments? Does he take her out on romantic dates and trips? Does he make her feel special, desired, wanted?
> 
> I know that marriage is bound to change the relationship and I'm not saying that men have to keep up the "chase" forever. But women want to feel chased sometimes. I think (sometimes, not always) guys just expect the sex to keep up at pre-marriage levels but they don't keep up the romance, flirting and pursuit. Thoughts?


Sex, flirting and attention from my EX was a daily thing. She'd make moves on me, I'd make moves on her.. We'd hang out naked with each other and have so much fun..

We got married, honeymoon was a week of non-stop fornication...we got home...and within 6 months it was down to just me doing all the running around looking for attention. 

We'd have discussions and we went to counsuling...but she never made a move on me or initiated any contact after the honeymoon..UNLESS she wanted something.

When she would leave me, she'd do anything to get back in the house, only to stop doing it after that. She'd go way beyond the simple flirting and stuff like that when she wanted to get on my good side..Then when she was, it was back to nothing..

During the last 4 months she lived with me, sex was cut down to almost the obligatory once a week....YET if I was asleep, she'd be all over me..doing everything I every ask her to do that she refused to do...

I've woken up with her on top of me, playing with me, rubbing me, etc..etc...But once I woke up, it would stop...

She showed up at my house a few times the last time we seperated naked. She'd drive over naked and knock on my door. She'd walk around with nothing on all the time we talked and expressed how much she loved it now..Then she moves back in and....back to no contact and nothing..

The switch was thrown when we got home from our honeymoon...


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

JustPuzzled said:


> Maybe. I do not know what my smart, pretty wife would be like if I did not:
> -try to keep in shape
> -let her know how much I simply enjoy her company
> -tell her honestly what is special about her
> ...


Some of the guys I know who cheat on their wives don't do the above. They complain that the wife is less interested in sex, but they don't do any of the above EVER. You have to make your woman feel special, but some people cant figure this out and many of those end up cheating.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

For the most part, the men have not changed. Some of this though from the wives is not deliberate. Her hormones are going full-blast in the teens and early 20's. Once she has a couple of children, the hormones have decreased. While the man may have been the primary focus, now children occupy that role. She may have less time as a working mom. 

Gaining some baby weight now makes her a little self-conscious and she worries about privacy and interruption. So while she changed, it may not be the pre-meditated scheme some men imagine. -


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Agree with almostrecovered. This is also a bait and switch.

I'd also like to take the opportunity and turn the tables a little and ask the women the following:

But is the woman still treating her husband like she did when he was her boyfriend? 

Does she still shower him with attention, affection, compliments and make him feel like he is desired? 

Does she make time for him by putting all else (kids, housework etc) aside so he knows how important she thinks he is? 

Does she make him feel like more than a paycheck? 

Does she ever just "rock his world" for no reason?

Personally I know it comes more naturally and easily when BOTH spouses are making the effort. I guess that's beacuse you feel that you are appreciated. When a man looks back and feels that often times he ranks behind his kids and his inlaws, that's not good. It's all about priorities


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

username2012 said:


> But is the man still treating his wife like he did when she was his girlfriend? Does he still shower her with attention, affection, compliments? Does he take her out on romantic dates and trips? Does he make her feel special, desired, wanted?


Heh. Yes, and the sex is still nonstop.

What's so interesting about this thread is that if you look at the PUA groupies in that other thread - this is the opposite of what a PUA master is supposed to do. 

I got it all mixed up and all I got out of it was a hot, horny little athlete.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I think it depends on a lot of other factors....too many to mention.

One thing I can say from personal experience is that if the bait keeps getting moved back just out of reach, neither side is going to want to continue the chase.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

JustPuzzled said:


> Maybe. I do not know what my smart, pretty wife would be like if I did not:
> -try to keep in shape
> -let her know how much I simply enjoy her company
> -tell her honestly what is special about her
> ...


My thoughts on this are probably unpopular but it really is impossible to keep up the same level of wooing once you're married. Between the kids and work there just isn't time. I advise most young men to marry the one that loves being around you because you are you. Never marry someone you have to chase. Because once real life hits you won't have the time to keep up with all the wooing if thats what it took to get her in the first place. In my opinion men in this situation are fighting a losing battle. I say this because even if they are able to give their wives some of the attention that they used to it may not be enough. It will also appear to be forced, very much in the same way that folks on here talk about duty sex. 
My wife has always been a bit clingy, but I am fine with it because I know her fire will never burn out if I can't give her the same level of attention I used to.

BTW, I use the get naked line on occasion too! Its not romantic in the traditional sense but it shows that I still desire her, and based on her reaction I can only assume she takes it as a compliment.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

Rowan said:


> My husband is very probably ADHD. One of the hallmarks of that is something called hyper-focus. So, while dating his was a very attentive, caring, affectionate guy who really worked hard to meet my needs and help me to feel wanted and loved. After the wedding, though, he sort of moved me from the "to do" list to the "done" list. He's goal oriented. Marrying me was the goal. After the goal was reached, his attention immediately shifted to his next goal. And he utterly stopped all of the attentive behaviors he'd displayed pre-wedding. I was just supposed to continue to function properly as his wife with no further input from him.
> 
> Sort of like how some people are with buying a new appliance. You need a new dishwasher. You do all the research, make lists of your needs and wants, decide on the pros and cons of the various features, maybe ask around for recommendations. For weeks, you're focused on picking the best dishwasher to meet your needs. But after you bring your choice home, you just expect it to work, to meet your needs, and to not have to spend anymore time thinking about it.
> 
> ...


Rowan. Is your husband an engineer? I have a brother and another friend, and this sounds exactly like them. Very smart men, but dumb in relationships. I feel for you!


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

JustPuzzled said:


> Maybe. I do not know what my smart, pretty wife would be like if I did not:
> -try to keep in shape
> -let her know how much I simply enjoy her company
> -tell her honestly what is special about her
> ...


 :iagree: Great post JustPuzzled! I agree 100%...and love the boldness of your line near the end. 
My wife is bold on rare occassions. One of her lines is..."Honey, I bet you can't drop your pants in 30 seconds...WITHOUT an erection." Her smile and eye gestures are priceless when she says this. (She has won this bet every time...the 30 seconds of waiting while she is watching makes it impossible)


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

ReformedHubby said:


> My thoughts on this are probably unpopular but it really is impossible to keep up the same level of wooing once you're married. Between the kids and work there just isn't time.


Isn't this the same excuse that women use about not having sex with their husbands though? :scratchhead:

If you don't have time to meet our needs in order to keep our desire up, why should we have time to meet your needs (via sex)?


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## MissMe (Feb 26, 2013)

justonelife said:


> Isn't this the same excuse that women use about not having sex with their husbands though? :scratchhead:
> 
> If you don't have time to meet our needs in order to keep our desire up, why should we have time to meet your needs (via sex)?


:iagree:


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

justonelife said:


> Isn't this the same excuse that women use about not having sex with their husbands though? :scratchhead:
> 
> If you don't have time to meet our needs in order to keep our desire up, why should we have time to meet your needs (via sex)?


I agree.

But it's chicken and egg. Which comes first? Which one started it? Who breaks the stalemate?

One is more likely to engage in the other if one person is continuing to do what they did in the past. The line's of causality are usually too blured to figure out how to fix it though.

How do you ask a woman to put out more so she can get more wooing, when she needs the wooing to put out in the first place?

What if a woman puts out more but the man still refuses to woo her?

I'm dizzy.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

justonelife said:


> Isn't this the same excuse that women use about not having sex with their husbands though? :scratchhead:
> 
> If you don't have time to meet our needs in order to keep our desire up, why should we have time to meet your needs (via sex)?


Geez, not sure what to say. Perhaps we should all realize that the love is still there but we show it differently now. I can't speak for all couples but I think my wife understands that my role as a provider is another way of me showing my dedication to her. Maybe if women looked a little closer they would see that their husband is still doing things to show he cares but not necessarily the same things he used to do.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Man and wife should BOTH be aware of what they are coming across as to each other. Empathy is a good thing to have. To put ourselves in our partners shoes and act accordingly.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

But then again... that wouldn't be too effective if your S was perfectly content with no intimacy at all :/


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

> Originally Posted by justonelife View Post
> Isn't this the same excuse that women use about not having sex with their husbands though?
> 
> If you don't have time to meet our needs in order to keep our desire up, why should we have time to meet your needs (via sex)?





> ReformedHubby: Geez, not sure what to say. Perhaps we should all realize that the love is still there but we show it differently now. I can't speak for all couples but I think my wife understands that my role as a provider is another way of me showing my dedication to her.


Things are certainly going to change when a couple are living under the same roof etc, but that is the reason why it's important that we continue to romance and prioritize one another, and not make the mistake of taking one another for granted...



> Maybe if women looked a little closer they would see that their husband is still doing things to show he cares but not necessarily the same things he used to do.


Which could be said of men, too, when they find their wives want less sex with them. For many women, if the romance comes to an abrupt halt after marriage, their desire for sex does, too. Obviously, we can't keep up _quite _the same level of romance, but we need to make sure that it doesn't get buried in the hum-drum of every day living.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

Cosmos said:


> Things are certainly going to change when a couple are living under the same roof etc, but that is the reason why it's important that we continue to romance and prioritize one another, and not make the mistake of taking one another for granted...
> 
> 
> 
> Which could be said of men, too, when they find their wives want less sex with them. For many women, if the romance comes to an abrupt halt after marriage, their desire for sex does, too. Obviously, we can't keep up _quite _the same level of romance, but we need to make sure that it doesn't get buried in the hum-drum of every day living.


Exactly. I'm not saying that guys should treat women exactly the same as when they were dating. But at the same time, maybe they shouldn't expect the wife to keep up sex at quite the same frequency/passion/variety either for the very same reason.

It's all about prioritizing your partner's needs. I just feel like sometimes on this forum, sex is seen as an obligation of marriage. The wife MUST meet the husband's need, otherwise it's not a true marriage. I agree with that. However, I think a lot of men DON'T prioritize the woman's need to continue to feel emotionally connected, special, sexy, etc. As someone else said, they think that once they get married, the "chase" is over and they don't have to try anymore. 

The husband shouldn't have to chase the woman at the same rate as before marriage, but it should still be enough to keep it interesting.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

justonelife said:


> Exactly. I'm not saying that guys should treat women exactly the same as when they were dating. But at the same time, maybe they shouldn't expect the wife to keep up sex at quite the same frequency/passion/variety either for the very same reason.
> 
> It's all about prioritizing your partner's needs. I just feel like sometimes on this forum, sex is seen as an obligation of marriage. The wife MUST meet the husband's need, otherwise it's not a true marriage. I agree with that. However, I think a lot of men DON'T prioritize the woman's need to continue to feel emotionally connected, special, sexy, etc. As someone else said, they think that once they get married, the "chase" is over and they don't have to try anymore.
> 
> The husband shouldn't have to chase the woman at the same rate as before marriage, but it should still be enough to keep it interesting.


:iagree:


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I Notice The Details said:


> Rowan. Is your husband an engineer? I have a brother and another friend, and this sounds exactly like them. Very smart men, but dumb in relationships. I feel for you!


LOL! Yes, actually, he is an engineer. I always tell people that engineering isn't a career, it's a personality type.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

Rowan said:


> LOL! Yes, actually, he is an engineer. I always tell people that engineering isn't a career, it's a personality type.


I was right, and you are right!. 

Engineer's are a personality type for sure!


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I'm sure this is one of those things we don't really understand until we get married. My first marriage was so long ago, I honestly don't really remember what I thought marriage was supposed to look like.

My current marriage, I had the benefit of being more mature and having been through a divorce and understood the huge price we pay if we don't take care of our marriages. I also understood much better my own needs.

Heck yes, we continue to court and pursue and date each other! And for 10 years now, this has kept us madly in love and racing home from work each night into each other's arms.


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