# "Why" do I still hurt?



## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

I was going to post in Calvin's thread, but didn't want to rant on his thread.

In 21 days, it will be a year since first Dday. 
I don't understand the "why" anymore today than day one.... even though our counselor said I need to leave the past in the past and work on the future.... Where the h*ll is a future???

The past hurts too d*mn much.... The past is what defines him now... his betrayal, selfishness, and total lack of respect for me. How do people work through that? How do people move forward? 

It's asked if there were "major" issues in the M before,, yes, there were, from his emotional abuse to me. Why again?? 
He handed out the abuse, which in turn let him feel ok to cheat? Because I withdrew from him? 

Yet him and some others feel I haven't been fair to not give him a second chance... to prove he can/ has changed... 
How do I? "Why" should I?? 

To me,, we are both different people from when we first met... so I understand some say "that" marriage is dead now, you have to "start new",, but my feeling is... How do you start a new marriage with someone you have no idea who they are? They sure as heck aren't the person you married.. or fell in love with.. That person wouldn't of tore your feelings out with cold, mean words and actions. And they wouldn't of tore your heart out for some phone calls to a "friend"??


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

They work through it by not focusing on "him"

What do YOU want in your life?

I spend so much time telling/teaching people that it's perfectly acceptable to tell someone that you're "not ok" with something.

But to you... I would ask...

What is it YOU want?


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

I just want to stop hurting..

I know I hurt with or without him. It's so terrible for me to feel so "out of touch" with myself. 

Could he have really "controlled" me that much in 9 years, that I'm afraid to think on my own? He has put in my head so much that I would be better with him than without.
A month ago I felt confident about detaching... until he contacts me... 

I cancelled our divorce appt. because of me having pneumonia last week... and I didn't reschedule yet...

I have gotten myself in such a hole emotionally....

I wonder if I totally break off any communication for at least a couple weeks, maybe I can try to clear my head... because as soon as he contacts me,, I go soft, I don't stand up for myself..

Is this my Codependency? Or just outright stupidity?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Numb in Ohio said:


> I just want to stop hurting..
> 
> I know I hurt with or without him. It's so terrible for me to feel so "out of touch" with myself.
> 
> ...


He did nothing that you didn't allow.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Conrad said:


> He did nothing that you didn't allow.



And he's only going to continue what I allow?

I am starting back in IC, but not till the 13th.. I know I have to enforce NC until I get through a few sessions to get myself settled again. 

Sorry for the breakdown... I've had a bad week.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Numb in Ohio said:


> And he's only going to continue what I allow?
> 
> I am starting back in IC, but not till the 13th.. I know I have to enforce NC until I get through a few sessions to get myself settled again.
> 
> Sorry for the breakdown... I've had a bad week.


No need to apologize.

That's why we're here.

Hang in there. I hate to see the good guys struggle.


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

Honey, no one knows what he will do, and it doesn't matter. As Conrad says, you need to decide who you are and what you want. At you able to think clearly and make logical decisions that are in your true best interest with him in your life? If the answer is no, then you need to stop talking to him for a while. Set a goal, like a week...you may find that even though you miss him after that week is up, you want to go another week because you are finally able to process easier.

Personally I think a few months is needed to start getting true perspective and gain strength and confidence in a case like yours. If he disappears in that time, then he wasn't really wanting you back. If he waits for you to be ready, you can slowly get to know him again as he is at that time and decide where to go next.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Conrad said:


> No need to apologize.
> 
> That's why we're here.
> 
> Hang in there. I hate to see the good guys struggle.



Hope things are going good on your end also. 


I guess I just need that acknowledgment that I'm at fault too... when I get consumed with what he's done "to" me.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Numb in Ohio said:


> Hope things are going good on your end also.
> 
> 
> I guess I just need that acknowledgment that I'm at fault too... when I get consumed with what he's done "to" me.


You're at fault too.

BUT.. you are aware.

That speaks volumes.

And, you can bank on that.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

2ntnuf said:


> Don't understand this. Will you please explain?



I think he is saying that I have a choice to enforce boundaries, and I allowed him to break those boundaries.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> Don't understand this. Will you please explain?


It means you teach people how to treat you./"Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me."

*These examples of the above ARE NOT meant to describe the OP's situation (if they are similar, that's coincidence only).*

If you allow someone to neglect you, without demanding more time and attention and taking the scraps they dole out, you're going to get only the scraps that they dole out. 

If you are cheated on by someone and take them back without really demanding any change then you are telling them that they may cheat on you because there's no consequences.

If you keep going back to the person who punches you in the face, they are going to continue punching you in the face because you allow them to continue....

ETC.

Obviously this sentiment doesn't apply to first-time offenses but if you are aware you're being treated like crap but don't do anything to stop or prevent further crappy treatment then you are allowing the person to continue to harm you.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Numb in Ohio said:


> I just want to stop hurting..
> 
> I know I hurt with or without him. It's so terrible for me to feel so "out of touch" with myself.
> 
> ...


Don't beat yourself up. Emotional manipulation and abuse is very hard to overcome especially when it's in your face day-to-day. You are going to have a much harder time if he is a constant presence/force in your life. 

I too have been very codependent/enabling over the years when it comes to my ex. No Contact and the 180 have been helping me to find strength that I haven't had in years. 

I think you do need to continue/stick to No Contact until you can deal with him from a place of more strength. Don't answer his calls. Delete any emails/texts you get from him that don't have to do with business/logistics/the divorce etc.

I'm sorry, I haven't read your other posts but if you haven't done so already, start doing the 180 and maintain very strict No Contact. It is not good for you to be in touch with him right now if this is the result of those interactions.

You feel weaker when you speak to him so don't speak to him until you are able to do so without feeling weak and can stand up for yourself. Read as much as you can online and even off-line and post here when you need support until you can get into see your counselor on the thirteenth.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Thanks,, this makes day 2 of NC... not even a text. He is home on Thurs and Fridays,, we saw each other and talked.. so yesterday being his first day back out, and NC,,, I replay in my head all his assumptions and comments of him telling me how I'm feeling... 

He will say " I think you act like this because......" and try to persuade me to feel the way he wants me to... and when I think about it the next day, I panic and freak out. He says it's because I love him but I'm scared of getting hurt... I don't think that's the case.. I told him I'm not worried about him hurting me now,,, my issue is the hurt he has already caused. 

Today I am a lot calmer, I still think of our issues,, but I can cope with day to day life better... without as much anxiety.


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