# WW more likely to come clean in front of MC, or less so?



## TrueToMe (Jun 6, 2016)

Like all of us, I'm looking to get the most frank, complete responses from her. 
When _you _confronted with evidence, 

1) was it done in private, general public setting, or while in MC?

2) do you wish you chose one of the other environments? If so, where & why?

2) Do you think the gender of the MC made a difference in how much the canary sang/clammed up?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I don't think that there is any place is more likely to get a confession. Cheaters lie. The usually lie until you can give them solid evidence that you know. And then they still lie to try to make you not believe the solid evidence.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Cuckolderman,

You can also schedule a visit to a polygraph operator.

You can go to speak with the OM if you know who the OM is, tell him your W told you everything and you want to hear his side of the story. Liars rarely are able to keep their stories consistent.

These are the two approaches I will take when my youngest is out of college. 

Tamat


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

Cheaters won't ever tell the whole truth to anyone. They'll only admit what you can prove. That's why a poly is worth its weight in gold. If they resist taking one or claim they could be inaccurate then you know that they know that they're going to fail and you haven't gotten the full truth.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

TAMAT said:


> Cuckolderman,
> 
> You can also schedule a visit to a polygraph operator.
> 
> ...


Get the polygraph operator to use the Jeremy Kyle Show polygraph operator's three question format:

1) Since your marriage have you passionately kissed anyone other than your husband? 
2) Since your marriage have you had any form of sexual contact with anyone other than your husband?
3) Since your marriage have you had sexual intercourse with anyone other than your husband?

The show gets a lot of what are known as "parking lot" confessions before the test is administered.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Keeping in mind that "there is no honor among cheaters," I wouldn't exactly recommend pressing her for the truth because as a hard and steadfast rule, a cheater will lie to you in such a condescending way, that the truth would be far more convincing!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Palodyne (Mar 3, 2016)

I have to agree with most everyone else. I have read hundreds of threads on TAM and SI. 99% of the time the accused cheater only admits to what the betrayed can prove. Which means your spouse will Gas Light you to hell.

I'm fairly certain other posters directed you to RiverRat. His wife was the same till he walked away and divorced her, then she finally admitted guilt to her kids long after the fact.

Bottom line is trust your gut.


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## rzmpf (Mar 11, 2016)

cuckolderman said:


> Like all of us, I'm looking to get the most frank, complete responses from her.
> When _you _confronted with evidence,
> 
> 1) was it done in private, general public setting, or while in MC?
> ...


Everyone is different and therefore reactions are not predictable. Some may feel embarrassed to tell BS lies in front of someone else (MC), some may get defensive.

The more they are caught off guard the more the chance that they will confess because it's hard to make a story up on the fly. But some can do that, some will attack you, some will just shut down. 

Most important is that you have made up your mind about how you want to procede. Don't rely on the confrontation to deliver the smoking gun. For some that has worked, for most it didn't. 

It also depends on your ability as an interrogator, keep cool, don't show what you know and don't know.

Regarding the questions, I confronted at home, showed her one picture after another, she first denied, then startet crying and apologizing and when I was done I kicked her and her stuff out and that was it. She basically had no chance, but I was extremely lucky that the whole thing went the way it went.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

People will maintain a lie despite the evidence put in front of them.

While my situation was not cheating, it was not exactly honest either.

After dating for 3 months, I was disappointed that my (future) husband could not be bothered confirming a time to get together the day I returned from a 3 week trip.

Later in the evening he FB messaged me and texted me. I already knew we weren't getting together but I did call him.

I at some point told him that he obviously had a date with someone else that day. He denied it.

We continued dating. In his apartment, I came across tickets to the museum dated the day I returned. He had already told me about his just a friend ex. On her FB wall, she said that she would be going to that museum on that day.

So when I told him that I know now that you were out that day with this woman you call just a friend, he denied it.

Which I think is fantastical. someone making a vague remark of "you were probably out with someone else" is vague enough to dismiss as a lucky guess.

But when you can name the exact place, time and the person that you were with........ C'mon......... but I guess that's just human nature.


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## btterflykisses (Apr 29, 2016)

cuckolderman said:


> Like all of us, I'm looking to get the most frank, complete responses from her.
> When _you _confronted with evidence,
> 
> 1) was it done in private, general public setting, or while in MC?
> ...


Marriage Counselors may see each person separately and the person may confess then but I don't know.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Cuckolderman,

You need to make sure if you go with a marriage counselor that they will not encourage your Wife to keep her silence on this affair or affairs. You don’t need a third person, besides the OM and your W, who knows more about your marriage than you do.

It would be like paying someone to lie to you. 

Frankly I think you will better results just going to the polygraph office.

Write out a list of questions in a notebook, leave ample room for your Ws answers, and Put down every question you have. 

The polygraph operator will then ask has W answered those questions truthfully. 

Tamat


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

CMan,

Searching for the "whole truth" in regard to an affair... Remind me of M. Twain's quote, "lies, damn lies, and statistics". I firmly believe the only true universal when an affair is discovered, "There is always more". Regardless of R or D, rarely does the WS reveal the worst of the transgression. Maybe pride, maybe the last shreds of dignity, maybe just lipstick on a pig, the secrets remain hidden. 

And, for those that choose R, I really believe this is the hardest hurdle to cross. The BS keeps asking for more while the WS knows (believes) that if the darkest secrets are exposed it could be the tipping point. 

BTW, your question regarding MC... A good MC demands truth in her office, and in my case, my WW and I both signed to that effect. In reality they know that form of "brutal honesty" rarely occurs.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

The real question is this. Can you make YOUR decision about YOUR life based on what YOU know?

That's a critical question and I think you have to be able to answer that before you confront.

For me, circumstantial evidence is all I would need to know what I would do. Confrontation would only serve as a way to offer a DIFFERENT path.

In other words, my approach (I would hope) would be to tell her MY conclusions and MY decisions that result. Note I focus on YOU and ME in these sentences. That's because the BS has to be rock solid on their boundaries and beliefs. If you are, and have circumstantial evidence, you will know what you are going to HAVE to do to maintain your own integrity. To me a boundary is a firm line... but anyone inching up to it is guilty in my book of being willing to cross it. And it is the willingness and ability to cross a boundary that is MOST important to me because it shows the other persons character. People with loose boundaries and weak character have no place in my life. If you have a harsh background that caused you to be that way - ok I'll help you get help - but you're still on my list of unsafe people. I have an obligation to protect ME, not YOU.

I hope you understand my perspective. If so then you will understand why confrontation only OFFERS s chance for a different outcome. This is what people mean when they say "you have to be willing to lose a relationship to save it". If you believe like I do and as I described above, then when you confront your WS will see clear as day you mean what you say. Because you do.

I don't think you're there yet. Until you accept your marriage is over you will remain weak and your WS will feel capable of lying. Once you accept it, you will be able to tell her that only crystal clear transparency and complete honesty will ensure that SHE has a chance to save HER marriage.

Only when SHE realizes it's on her to save the marriage will you have any chance for SOME truth.

Read Lonely Husband's thread. Once he awoke to his WW's straying, he came down like a sledge hammer on an anvil - and the WW had the challenge of her line to win him back. 

Acceptance and single minded determination are needed.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Cheaters lie until there's absolutely no benefit to them lying any more, and a lot of risk to continuing the lie.

Unless you're willing to go there, either just leave or get very comfortable with never knowing the truth.


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

I have an entirely different take on this topic.

The idea of squeezing a confession is cringe worthy, not only b/c the notion that someone who's basically a liar will suddenly come clean is absurd, but also, the idea of putting yourself in the position of being both lied to and told you're less than is down right masochistic. What is the point?

Usually, by the time the subject comes up, the answer is known and the relationship is over. It's not about "Proof", it's about justifying ending the marriage. And, yes, I know there are those who still can't do this and struggle to "Reconcile", but that's really about an inability to acknowledge loss. Affairs result from bad marriages, they usually aren't the cause.


When it over its over, save yourself the added grief of this type of needless confrontation.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Unicus said:


> I have an entirely different take on this topic.
> 
> The idea of squeezing a confession is cringe worthy, not only b/c the notion that someone who's basically a liar will suddenly come clean is absurd, but also, the idea of putting yourself in the position of being both lied to and told you're less than is down right masochistic. What is the point?
> 
> ...


Ummm sometimes affairs happen in good marriages if one person feels entitled, has weak boundaries, thinks they can get away with it, etc. Just ask the BS here who were blindsided by their WS's A and the WS (however few) who were shocked their marriages were on the line when discovered.

To me this is the worst type of person to be on a relationship with - someone who will act like everything is fine in the relationship (maybe to them it is) but then have a relationship outside of marriage.

I am sending my first wave of kids off to college this year and this is my biggest message - beware of others' boundaries and values - they may be very different from yours and you may not pick up on that. There are many nice looking boys and girls that will think nothing of a ONS while "exclusively" dating. That whole concept was a shock to my kids. They're still too naive but you have to cut the cord at some point and then just be there to support your kids.


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## TrueToMe (Jun 6, 2016)

TheTruthHurts said:


> The real question is this. Can you make YOUR decision about YOUR life based on what YOU know?
> 
> That's a critical question and I think you have to be able to answer that before you confront...
> 
> ...


Well said, TTH, painful though it is to hear. I am currently getting my head around how this new, unwelcome future is going to start out (knowing it'll be a life-long work in progress, I can't fathom it beyond a few weeks/months)


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## TrueToMe (Jun 6, 2016)

Thank you, everyone, for your replies. Very helpful to have the variety of perspectives.

--

_Horribly_ naive newbie question 
The Like button here: it just plays out internally, on the one liked post, right? There's no background link through to my damned facebook account or anywhere else?!?!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Lol, I don't think so.

I totally agree with thT.

Don't confront until you have already made a decision. And the decision should be to leave the marriage. She should be overjoyed at the opportunity to come clean with you and have a chance at reconciliation--- otherwise it wouldn't happen, anyway.

I've been married to a liar once. Never again. And I don't wish one on anybody but her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

marduk said:


> Cheaters lie until there's absolutely no benefit to them lying any more, and a lot of risk to continuing the lie.
> 
> Unless you're willing to go there, either just leave or get very comfortable with never knowing the truth.


:iagree: This.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

My ex-wife lied to me, the marriage counselor, her family, all our friends. She probably told fibs to the dog too. She only admited to cheating and the length of time cheating--of her "latest" affair, when I bluffed her into it. it took years!

What a waste of time that was!

I should have just dumped her when I knew some of it. 

Liar's lie! period.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

marduk said:


> Cheaters lie until there's absolutely no benefit to them lying any more, and a lot of risk to continuing the lie.
> 
> Unless you're willing to go there, either just leave or get very comfortable with never knowing the truth.


Exactly this. My Ex lied, then modified the lie with any new damning evidence that contradicted her previous lie.

I didn't get the truth until I had enough, and made up my mind to divorce her. 

Kind of messed up when you think about it. The only time you get at the truth which could help you build a foundation to repair the relationship is once you no longer care to.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

You have no business in marriage therapy until you know the truth, and if that means a polygraph, so be it.

No one can predict with certainty what she will admit to or not, but the MC is likely to let her get away with it in order to move forward.

They will lie their asses off to MC so do not waste your money. Better spent findout out the truth, and if she refuses the poly, you know you do not have the truth.


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## TrueToMe (Jun 6, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> ... She should be overjoyed at the opportunity to come clean with you and have a chance at reconciliation---


Ha - wouldn't _that _be something! _Overjoyed_... 
But hey, who knows, maybe I'll be lucky she has that amount of clarity and perspective.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Acoa said:


> Exactly this. My Ex lied, then modified the lie with any new damning evidence that contradicted her previous lie.
> 
> I didn't get the truth until I had enough, and made up my mind to divorce her.
> 
> Kind of messed up when you think about it. The only time you get at the truth which could help you build a foundation to repair the relationship is once you no longer care to.


This!!!


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## TrueToMe (Jun 6, 2016)

As I gather more 'intel' (such as it is), I see my wife's addiction to perpetual 'recovery' in Al-Anon includes an additional hurdle she'd be hard-pressed to cross when confronted for honesty. 

Al-Anon's & AA's Step Nine: “Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.”

Ha! Perfect justification for keeping everything tight to the chest. What a self-serving 'program'. I understand the 'self' in those programs is paramount, but here they leave the door wide open to revoking the rights of significant others to make informed, responsible life decisions.

Methinks her jig is up. Anyone else get stonewalled by WSs more faithful to their 'program' than to you?


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

cuckolderman said:


> Methinks her jig is up. Anyone else get stonewalled by WSs more faithful to their 'program' than to you?


What do you mean by stonewalled? Are you asking for more info an she is still TT and using her program as a smoke screen? Yeah, that's not using the program correctly.

Or is it just she puts attending her program over other obligations? Nothing wrong with that. For 2 years program was my life preserver. I needed to be there. It had nothing to do with anyone but me. For the first time in my life I was putting myself first, not in a selfish way. In a very helpful and healing way.


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## TrueToMe (Jun 6, 2016)

Yes, ACOA, it appears to me an abuse of what I think could be best about the program. 
* and no offense intended to program members - I'm just smarting from what I perceive to be her perverting the best intentions of it.

BTW, I am yet to confront her with my growing 'evidence' of wrongdoings. I anticipate needing another week or two. Through all the years without anything solid to go on, it has only been the occasional, naive, basic questions about fidelity - like after walking out of movies that show cheating, that sort of thing. So the TTs, the smoke screens, may or may not happen. I'm preparing for 'they will.'

For her Al-Anon, it's been ~17 yrs of 'recovery' stuck on repeat (your 2 yrs sounds positive: you seem to have _recovered_ somewhat when you refer to _healing_). I think at times she's addicted to recovery. It's become a cult, her religion. It certainly seems to validate her lack of empathy for even her innermost circle of loved ones (say, me & our two sons). She's forever checking out on most matters requiring compassion, her responses instead coming out filtered as how she feels about our problems - or how she feels about how our problems affect her! 
All in keeping (I suppose) with what I am waking up to as significant B/NPD issues that she'll hopefully address in earnest as we hash this out in upcoming weeks/months.

Thanks for your perspective - it helps.


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