# Meaning of affair?



## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

My Husband says he didn't have an affair because it was during our seperation that was going down the road of divorce. 

I found out about the girl he was with when we were working towards reconsilstion. He told me he wanted to work on our marriage. I found out that there might have been someone in November when she posted on his FB wall. I had messaged her right away that he was my husband and what were her intentions. She didn't message back until I was spending the night with my husband in December. A few days after I spent the night with him was when he told me he did something bad and he expected me to full on want a divorce. He talked about what her and him did that night. He has sense moved back in and all divorce proceedings have stopped. I have also found out what he told me about her and him was not true. The biggest thing that bothers me is that he didn't use protection every time. He told me it was only once and he used protection. He won't tell me of course how many times. Just said DAMB near every time he used protection. So that leads me to believe he didn't use protection more than once if he is telling the truth about protection at all.

Our marriage counselor thinks I should not think about this girl at all. She is basically history and that my husband is committed to me. 


I do agree that he committed to me, but I don't agree that my Husband didn't have an affair. 

How do I get past the feelings of that my husband had desire for someone else and slept with her several times in a short amount of time. Our marriage before seperation was sexless. We had sex only about every 3 months. He's been back home since new years and we have had sex 3 times. 

He is out of commotion sexually since he had hernia surgery on 2/17. So even if he wanted me he can't do anything about it.

Why do I feel I need to heal by having sex often?
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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Look up 'Hysterical Bonding'. That will tell you why you want sex all the time.

I am a little confused as to the timeline here - were you and your husband in the process of reconciliation when he slept with someone else, or in the process of divorce? Were you living apart?


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

We were living apart and in the process of divorce when he was with this other woman. At the time it started we were Definatly in the process of divorce. When I found out about her we were living apart and in the process of reconsilstion. He told me she was just a friend that wanted more. He later confessed that he slept with her. Now that he is back home he says he didn't have an affair. He don't be clear to me as to when he ended it.

If I knew he ended it before he told me he wanted to work on the marriage it would be different, but I found out about her after he said he wanted our marriage to work. 

Then I found out recently from him that she text him on valentines day. He only told me because I told him she messaged me through FB
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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

blueskies30 said:


> My Husband says he didn't have an affair because it was during our seperation that was going down the road of divorce.
> 
> I found out about the girl he was with when we were working towards reconsilstion. He told me he wanted to work on our marriage. I found out that there might have been someone in November when she posted on his FB wall. I had messaged her right away that he was my husband and what were her intentions. She didn't message back until I was spending the night with my husband in December. A few days after I spent the night with him was when he told me he did something bad and he expected me to full on want a divorce. He talked about what her and him did that night. He has sense moved back in and all divorce proceedings have stopped. I have also found out what he told me about her and him was not true. The biggest thing that bothers me is that he didn't use protection every time. He told me it was only once and he used protection. He won't tell me of course how many times. Just said DAMB near every time he used protection. So that leads me to believe he didn't use protection more than once if he is telling the truth about protection at all.
> 
> ...



He is using the "separation" as an excuse that it wasn't an affair, you all were married - it's an affair. You all weren't just "on a break" like bf/gf would be can't use the Ross defense. 
My guess is that you need him to admit it so that you have a true sense that he knows it was the wrong thing to do otherwise he is using it as a defense that he wasn't wrong in doing this.

Both need to get tested for stds. 

The need for sex... they refer to it as Hysterical bonding.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

blueskies30 said:


> My Husband says he didn't have an affair because it was during our seperation that was going down the road of divorce.
> 
> I found out about the girl he was with when we were working towards reconciliation. He told me he wanted to work on our marriage. I found out that there might have been someone in November when she posted on his FB wall. I had messaged her right away that he was my husband and what were her intentions. She didn't message back until I was spending the night with my husband in December. A few days after I spent the night with him was when he told me he did something bad and he expected me to full on want a divorce. He talked about what her and him did that night. He has sense moved back in and all divorce proceedings have stopped. I have also found out what he told me about her and him was not true. The biggest thing that bothers me is that he didn't use protection every time. He told me it was only once and he used protection. He won't tell me of course how many times. Just said DAMB near every time he used protection. So that leads me to believe he didn't use protection more than once if he is telling the truth about protection at all.
> 
> ...


Your counselor is not giving you good advice. The girl was very much the OW and you have every right to think of her as a threat because she almost tipped your problematic marriage over the edge.

And you are right that your husband had an affair because though separated from you, he was still legally married to you. What he may be thinking is that since you had filed for divorce, the separation was just a prelude for divorce and thus he did not betray you. But technically speaking, he did cheat on you.



> How do I get past the feelings of that my husband had desire for someone else and slept with her several times in a short amount of time. Our marriage before seperation was sexless. We had sex only about every 3 months. He's been back home since new years and we have had sex 3 times.


You had an EA that culminated with a ONS before the separation. How did your husband get past that? I'm not asking this as a sarcastic comeback but as a legitimate question that you can ask him that will hopefully help you get past his affair. 



> He is out of commotion sexually since he had hernia surgery on 2/17. So even if he wanted me he can't do anything about it.
> 
> Why do I feel I need to heal by having sex often?


Because it is a form to reclaim what is yours. It is called hysterical bonding and it is very common in the initial stages of reconciliation.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Yeah, he needs to come clean with a timeline for you here. And until he does, your counselor is totally out to lunch to tell you to rugsweep this!!!!!!


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Thanks for all your advice. I wish I didn't pick such a bad counselor. Of course my husband likes her so he isn't like to change counselors. 


I would very much like a true timeline from my husband so that I can get past this.

I have no idea how my husband got past my EA. he does not want me to talk about it and does not want any details, although we have talked about it some. Basically it has been me trying to tell my Husband that I was in no way physically attracted to my EA.

My counselor accepts texts. So I wonder if I should text her what I'd like her to bring up. That it was an affair because we were still married, that we should get tested for STDs and that I'd like to have a timeline from husband of the affair. 

I've asked my husband if he would get tested for STDs and his answer was why?
This was before I got him to admit he had unprotected sex
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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I am sorry. I do find this to be a betrayal of sorts because you were still married, even though 'on the way' to divorce.

Anything can happen before those papers are signed, which is why I promote staying 'true' to the marriage...maybe not the person, but the marriage.

I see his point, but that doesn't excuse the pain and sadness for you, knowing he was with another woman.

I hope you can work past this and maybe get IC counseling for yourself...and a better therapist.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

I find it betrayal too. I so want to get past this. I feel like he just wants to forget about it to get past it. That seems to be what he is doing about mine. Mine is different though, he is far away in another state. His is in this same city and he knows where she lives. We are moving out of state soon and that will sure make it easier on me, but I wonder if I will trust him. He seems to keep an eye on me. He wants to know what I'm doing all the time. Not in a mean tone at all, but he does seem to keep track of me. The only thing he does that bothers me is tell me to get off of **** book (FB) . He also seems to freak out about what I post on FB even though I'm not posting anything on my wall. It almost seems like he either has an informant or he makes things up to claim I said. He claimed the other guy has been trying to message me which is not true at all.
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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

His behavior is odd. He doesn't trust you OR he is sneaking around and is projecting.

:/


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Our society sends a very confusing message. An awful lot of people seem to think that once the couple file for divorce they are free to have a new relationship.

The in cases like yours when the divorce is dropped it causes problems. 

Does your husband have access to your FB account? Has he seen messages in your inbox from the OM?


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

As far as I know he does not have access to my FB account. He supposedly closed his FB account. All family miners say he's not on thier friend list anymore and they can't find him. I don't see FB on his phone at all. I've been able to look through his phone a couple times. 

There are no messages from OM on my FB and OM is not on friend list at all. 

At least the good thing is we are moving out of state in late April to early May. Main reason we are moving for my husband is that there is no work in this state. I want to move because I'm tired of snow and now because OW is here too. My husband says as soon as there is work in this state again we are moving back. I hope he gets really comfortable where we move and never wants to move back.
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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You can't run from your problems. OW or not, this will bother you until it's hashed out. 

I really wish people wouldn't date anyone until divorce is final.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

that_girl said:


> You can't run from your problems. OW or not, this will bother you until it's hashed out.
> 
> I really wish people wouldn't date anyone until divorce is final.


I understand what you're saying, but I'm sorry... If you're in a "sexless marriage" (her words) prior to the separation, and everything is going towards divorce (as opposed to making an effort to fix things), it's not surprising to me that this happened. Sure, it would be nice if it didn't, and it would have been really nice if he was upfront about it before moving back in. 

Blue skies, I don't have ny real words of wisdom for you. You've both done bad things to each other and your marriage. In an ideal world, maybe the two of you would forgive each other, pledge complete transparency in all ommunications, and start over with a clean late. But often emotions make things like that difficult.

C
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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

I have forgiven him, but it does not stop the hurt. 

I wish that I did not ask him to leave our home at the end of August. I did mostly because I felt I was just his prize, but he really didn't love me. Our anniversary was in August and he not even do much as kissed me. It was one of the loneliest days of my life. I was weak because of being so lonely and let another man tell me things. In the end I was dissing OM, but he was still telling me all these things that were so dumb!! He had pursued me from the moment of friend request. When I was weak I let it go too far even though I was not even attracted, but just just very lonely. 

Trust between my Husband and I is building and he seems happier, but I do know my Husband has problems that he is trying to change. He has anger issues. He will tell me he's moving out when he gets stressed or we disagree on something. This is the behavior that brings OM into my mind
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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

PBear said:


> I understand what you're saying, but I'm sorry... If you're in a "sexless marriage" (her words) prior to the separation, and everything is going towards divorce (as opposed to making an effort to fix things), it's not surprising to me that this happened. Sure, it would be nice if it didn't, and it would have been really nice if he was upfront about it before moving back in.


Whose fault was that "sexless marriage " prior to separation. Aren't they both the reasons? 
OK, even if it was sexless marriage, as mori said, this does not give him open and explicit permission to him.
Since he is trying to R with her, should he not be honest with her about the protection matter?




PBear said:


> Blue skies, I don't have ny real words of wisdom for you. You've both done bad things to each other and your marriage.


From the post in this thread, I dont know if this observation is correct.



PBear said:


> In an ideal world, maybe the two of you would forgive each other, pledge complete transparency in all ommunications, and start over with a lean late. But often emotions make things like that difficult.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


To me, it appears like he wants care since he was to undergo hernia surgery. Let him cure, you will see him again.....


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Yes, he should have been upfront with her before moving back in. And I think that yes, he should be honest with her on all aspects of what went on. At least, if he's truly serious about reconciling. An absence of honesty would tell me that the other person isn't fully committed to the relationship.

C
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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

morituri said:


> Basically it has been me trying to tell my Husband that I was in no way physically attracted to my EA.


This is a lie. You had sex with the OM who flew in to meet you for a one time sexual encounter. You've been rug sweeping your sexual betrayal to your husband by trying to concentrate on the EA side of it.

Don't get me wrong, I'm in no way justifying your husband's rug sweeping. He has to own his crap to you just like you have to own your crap to him.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

The sexless marriage before seperation was my husbands doing. I would touch him and show him effection. He would always act annoyed. He would tell me he was always tired, too stressed. The excuse of his hernia too. My affair would have never happened if I wasn't constantly rejected by him. I'm a very sexual person, 3 times a week or more I would love, but my Husband seemed happy with once every 3 months before our seperation. 

My husband does not want to know anything about my affair or what I did. I feel huge guilt about it. The sexual part did happen at the same time that my husband was starting his affair which at the time I didn't know. Right after my sexual part I started to totally detach from OM. I know if he was local it would have never happened. I was not attracted to him at all and really started comparing him to my husband when he was in person with me for just 1 day. 

What really hurts is that I found out about my husbands affair while he was telling me he wanted our marriage. He was still communicating with her at the same time. My hurt would be less if he would just tell me he wishes he never met her or tell me it was really me he wanted when he was having sec with her. Then I found out the day after his surgery that he had sex with her several times within a short amount of time. I'm really hurt because I want him to have passion for me like that. I remnrt the beginning of our marriage up until our son was 2, we had a great sex life. I never worried about another girl until he started rejecting me.
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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

My husband is being much more effectionate and he has been almost sexually touching me, but he never does more than just a brush of a touch. It's like he wants to touch more, but he is afraid of turning himself on. He's about 2 weeks out from surgery now. 

A few days ago I said you can touch me, but I can't touch you. He said I know snd it sucks. 

His surgery kind of gets in the way of a hysterical bonding. Can there be hysterical bonding without sex? I had told him to have the surgery during the time that he is laid off because I don't want to hear the excuse about not wanting sex because of his hernia. I even heard this excuse after he moved back in; I didn't know at the time that he had sex way more than once. 


It really sucks that it seems our counselor is not skilled at all. She has not tried to explain to my husband why I feel the hurt. Or to talk about what the truth is so I can get over it and stop wondering if everything my husband and I did before he moved in was really real. It took 
Y Husband forever to move back in and I feel it did because he was trying to choose between 2 women.
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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Or it may have taken him forever to move back in because he was afraid that our marriage would not work if something came out. He had asked me when I wanted him to move back in. I kept saying I was ready for him to be back home, but he kept hesitating.

The OW told me a lot of things about a week and a half ago. The most disturbing one was that they had a pregnancy scare in December. My husband didn't move back in until new years weekend, but had been spending every weekend with me and the kids. We were doing fun family things that he never wanted to do before our seperation. 

He does deny there was a pregnancy scare and denys that he told her he would pay for an abortion. Just the thought that he might consider killing a baby to cover up a lie really hurts me. I also started to feel that I was not worth as much because I can not have anymore babies. I had a hysterectomy already. Before my hysterectomy he did mention a 4th baby. We have 3 kids already and the OM has 3 and of course all without autism. 2 of our 3 are diagnosed with a firm of autism, the youngest has not been tested.

My self asteem has really dropped too with knowing what OM looks like. I know I'm pretty, but the things I don't like about me feel even more pronounced. The OM is heavier than me and so I know she must be bigger breasted than me. I imagine him having sexual fun with her breasts and that mine are not enough for him. In the past he has joked that mine are stretched. I know I need breast augmentation to correct what 3-5 pregnancies have done plus breast feeding 2 kids. I wanted breast implants before the seperation and have always felt self conscious. Now I want them even more. Some reasons are probably not the best, but the other reasons are for me. I want to be able to wear the type of dresses that you can't wear a bra with and I want the cleavage without trying. Also every woman in my family is way bigger than me, I'm the odd one out in my family. I'm the only one who at 33 I'm still under 100lbs. In some ways it is good, but I hate feeling that every one who does not know me thinks I'm aneraxic. 


I do have a IC but I had to cancel my last appt because it was the same time as my husbands post surgery appt. I really needed to talk to a skilled therapist too. I don't see her again until almost the end of March. So about another 2 weeks.
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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

He makes comments about your body?

Nice guy.

Why do you want him again?


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

He is a very strange man. I don't know why he makes comments about my body. He has not done it in a really long time and it was slight, but now all those comments hurt. His mom would always say everything that was on her mind without thinking too.
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