# What do you do when the passion is gone?



## ataxroad (Feb 14, 2011)

I think we may have settled for each other because of our age. I was in my mid 30's and she just turned 30 when we met. 3 years later we were married after she hinted that she needed to know if our relationship could evolve. I took the chance and proposed though I never had a relationship longer than 4 months in the past. Fast forward to today. We have 2 beautiful children with one being just 4 months old. I think I've grown to truly adore her but I don't think she feels the same way about me. Sure we fight sometime but it's always respectful and I make sure to never degrade her or hurt her unnecessarily. within the past 3 years, she's hinted that she doesn't even enjoy sex or think about sex anymore and blames my lack of attention to foreplay. I reply that foreplay starts with flirting, with caresses and with her responsiveness to my affections. I've always had great reaction with previous gf. Anyway, we do have a good family life but I do miss wanting to kiss her, and make passionate love. She really doesn't go out of her way to reach out to me or initiate anything. It's always me. I am the one to cuddle or hug or initiate massages. Anyway, lately I've been sleeping in another room. I know her lack of responsiveness is exacerbated by the recent birth of our son but it started several years before that already. I came to a conclusion today to accept this about her since I love my children very much and don't want to introduce any anxiety in their lives. I will no longer initiate, ask, beg, fantasize about her anymore but will perform as a dutiful husband and provider for my children. I long for intimacy but don't want to stray. It's valentine day tomorrow but I'd rather get her a mother's day card instead. I don't know how long I can keep this up.


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## seahorse (Apr 10, 2010)

Rather than guess at what's got her down or hear speculation from others on these forums, I would encourage you to ask her very directly and to the point what excites her sexually and/or why she isn't getting there. You need lurid details, not some limited complaint about foreplay. It seems unlikely that's the only problem at work here.

Communication breakdown is often related to resentment, extreme frustration, or embarrassment over sexual needs, but there are a myriad of other reasons it occurs. "Switch off" your emotions as much as possible and give her space to rant. This secures a safe space for her to make her needs known without fearing you're preparing to throw darts. Wait until another time to do that, as some of what she says may be ridiculous anyhow.

If she still won't communicate, I would suggest counseling for the both of you. Get a neutral 3rd party to referee. If she won't go, go alone.


Good luck,


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

ataxroad said:


> I came to a conclusion today to accept this about her since I love my children very much and don't want to introduce any anxiety in their lives. I will no longer initiate, ask, beg, fantasize about her anymore but will perform as a dutiful husband and provider for my children. I long for intimacy but don't want to stray. It's valentine day tomorrow but I'd rather get her a mother's day card instead. I don't know how long I can keep this up.


You children will know whether their parents marriage is loving and mutually supportive. Don't "give up" for the children. Don't set an example for your children that it's OK to give up happiness in life. This will all rub off badly on them. You should be going in the direction of how you can do a better job meeting your wife's needs at this point. I would be willing to bet that she "grew up" when she became a mom and she's waiting for you to do the same.


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