# How should I handle this?



## indian_girl28 (Sep 3, 2009)

Hi everyone! I'm new here. I'm looking for some advice. I got married last year and ever since then I just don't feel the same about my husband. Everything he does irritates me and while I try not to snap at him, sometimes it just comes out wrong. He doesn't lift a finger to help around, doesn't get me any gifts, flowers nothing. But he's nice, stable man, earns money (i work too), doesn't abuse me in any way but just isn't communicative or active enough. All we do is go out grocery shopping. Recently, his parents have been with us visiting (since July) and I have been a very caring DIL to them looking after their every need and being nice etc. But I think my husband doesn't realize that even though they're visiting we need to set aside time for ourselves. If I bring up the subject of his parents (I don't crib/ insult them but if something hurts/ annoys me I certainly discuss it), he clams up and gives me this pained look as if I'm a total b***ch. Now, I know that I need to get out of the house and do things on my own- ever since I got married I gave up my friend circle etc and have pushed everyone away... but I think I need to get out- join some classes or something. But how can I stop being so moody and irritable all the time? I really feel as if I'm changing into a monster and recently my husband has been telling me that he thinks I don't like him anymore- which is not true! It's just that I want more but am confused- what is it that I really want? 
I'm also very worried that someday my in-laws will move in with us (that's common in Indian families) but I'm afraid I won't like it at all. They're nice people and don't make my life hell but they are VERY close knit and there's no concept of privacy or time out or independence and it's making me sick!
Please help me make some sense out of all this!


----------



## preso (May 1, 2009)

how can you stop being so moody and terrible all the time?
There are many medications you can take for moody and irritable perosnalities... you can get counseling to deal with your sources of irritablity, to deal with life better....
your happiness is up to you, not your husbands job to provide it for you

and another thing, stop being so caring and nice to your in laws and you will not be worried they will want to move in

far as your husband irritating you so much, stop focusing on him...
focus on you... and you will hardly notice his annoying habits or at least not be troubled with them very often.


----------



## homemaker (Sep 6, 2009)

right, medication. I don't think so. 

The irritability is only because you are having trouble communicating something. I can relate to your side. 

Only it's the other way around. We spend a lot of time as his parents house. We live a province away and go home on holidays. We have a baby girl and the problem at his parents house is that he doesn't help take care of her while we're there. She was learning to crawl and was getting in to everything. I spent my time corraling her and being embarassed when she wrecked stuff. I told him on our way home that he should involve himself more when we're at his parents. We didn't stay on topic long because in our arguments he quickly turns in on to me and something that he feels I did wrong, or I said something in a tone that offended him. 

Do you have this problem? Is it why you can't approach him about the things he does that irritate you? Like not doing things around the house. I stop/don't ask for help around the house any more. I just get an excuse, an I'll get to it, and I just got home from work, it's too hot, or the worst one, Can you help me? I? I do dishes, laundry and take out garbage and recycling without his help, but he can't do any of those things unless I do them with him. 

Same thing with the "Do you like me anymore?" question. I get that. We are away from home, his job moved us away. I have no friends and not much for getting out of the house because we only have 1 car. I bottle everything up (the irritability) until one day he FINALLY senses or sees my unhappiness and he can turn on the puppy eyes and ask "Do you still love me" 

Take this as his cue, as I do, to just spill it. Make it clear at the beginning that you just want him to listen without judgement, that these are things that probably happened weeks ago and they're just bubbling out now in one big blob. Try to focus on one big change that he, or both of you can make.


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

First thing you need to do, is make some friends again...a relationship that is just husband and wife and family with NO outside friends or aquaintances will never survive...you need friends he needs friends and you need mutual friends of which you can socialize w/TOGETHER outside of the FAMILY....


----------



## wife911 (Sep 7, 2009)

I agree go out with other couples. This is almost therapeautic in a way. It's easy to get into a rut. Marriage is hard work. You have to make the change. Try doing romantic things for him and soon he will reciprocate. Put a love note in his lunch or in his car. 

If you feel you can express yourself better in writing, write him a letter of how you feel and leave it in the house so that he can read it when you are not there. I find this to work best because there is no interruptions when you write a letter. Write how you FEEL. Avoid blaming and tell him what you want. Again work at it and you will be fine.


----------



## variety (Sep 6, 2009)

It is a good idea to take a class to meet other people. There is nothing wrong with having time for yourself.
I can see why you are irritable at times - stress can make you behave this way. Find ways to get rid of it.
Then show your husband and in-laws your respect for their 'way of life' but at the same time, introduce 'your way of life'.
They may just not be aware of living differently. 
Start with something simple, eg go and watch a movie with all - pick a movie that refect different humour to your husband's family.


----------

