# Any short term advice



## obr3 (Jun 18, 2010)

My mind is a storm right now. I've been married just over three years, no children, and just found out my wife is having an affair.

It's been going on for 3-5 weeks. I did confront her tonight and now I can't sleep. She claimed there was never sex, but hugging and kissing. She kept calling it an emotional affair, less the kissing right?! I don't what to think about the lack of sex, if that is a lie or not.

I'm staying with a friend tonight and have no idea what to think. We talked, I remained as calm as possible. She complained about me, saying that:

- life is too stressful because I have (originally when we married) 30k in student loans and her paychecks have been helping pay it off (and yes, I work a full time job with good pay)
- that I don't want to go out socializing with her co-workers, including the one that she's been sneaking off with
- that I'm too moody sometimes
- that he makes her feel good because he "believes in her"
- that if he'd initiated sex at a cookout they had a few weeks ago she would have done it
- that she despises me

When I asked if she would go to counseling with me and try to mend our marriage, she said "I don't know what to do".

My mind is shattered right now. I love my wife greatly and will go to almost any length to save our marriage. I don't know that I can handle suspecting they slept together.

We both grew up in southern Churches of Christ. The really tiny crazy version. Is anyone here familiar with them? Her parents will entirely disown her. They already don't like me too much since I believe that churches should give money to those in need. It's hyper conservative in our collective background.

We've also been extremely close during our marriage. We have spent so much time together. I'm in my own personal hell right now and confused beyond belief. I'd have never seen this coming, ever. She said while she knows that she made decisions about this that I made her likely to cheat since I once asked her if she's eaten lunch with some guys from work; I asked in a sarcastic tone months ago.... I dunno.

The point is, it doesn't seem like the woman I've been married to for the past four years. And this happened suddenly from my point of view. One month ago, we seemed great. Now, she can't even say "I'm sorry, I messed up, and of course I'll go to counseling and try to save our marriage?"



Her parents will disown her is she leaves me, no question. Me? I'm done for. I love her so much, but in the past 5 weeks she has completely changed on me and doesn't seem to care at all. She says the guy she's sneaking around with wants to be together in the long term. He's a womanizing loser. In retrospect, and this makes me sick to recall now, I sized him up the moment I met him as a woman hungry smooth-talking jerk. I even commented on it at the time.

It's 2:44am and joy has left me for reasons I don't understand. It's like my wife has gone completely insane.


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## Bellz (Jun 8, 2010)

I am also in a similar situation. The only difference is my husband's EA is almost half year before I found out and acted on it. He also said that they do not have sex. Say that I accuse him of something he did not do. But all the hugging and kissing is there I believe. He went on trip with the girl multiple time, even with the girl's family. He's like having a double personality/life that I don't even know of. 

The reason that he complained about me is similar to what your wife complained about you. Even the excuses are the same. Is there really a script for cheaters? Maybe you can see my thread to know more. I have been sick for weeks due to stress and cannot sleep at night. 

You have to look after yourself now that nobody is looking out for you. You have to eat on time and sleep on time (at least try to). It is worthless to ruin your health for someone who doesn't care for you (temporarily). That's what my mom tell me. 

Right now she's not your wife, she's the evil twin. Think like that and you will feel much better. Be strong, we all here face the same thing also.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

Bellz is giving you good advice. (Almost) everyone on this site supports marriage and the struggle it takes to recover you marriage. First thing you need to understand is "they" all talk like this. They all say dizzy things. The sooner you get it in YOUR head that the things she says about YOU can not be believed the better off you will be. Listen but don't respond. I cannot stress enough, that you must be strong and confident. No pleading, begging or grovelling. No convincing, demanding or angry outbursts. 
One of the tools you do have at this time is exposure. Exposing this to her family. It is highly recommended by therapists to put an end to the affair. It is not used as a tool to get her back in a loving relationship, but as long as there is an affair you are unlikley to make progress with your wife. Right now you need to learn about affairs, how they get started and how they end so you don't do more damage. You need to learn quickly. DON'T worry about her right now. I know it is going to be very difficult. 
DO not leave the home. Do not ask her to leave the home. Back off!!!!! Be nice and kind. Go to the thread Coping Corner if you want to start an exchange with people who know their stuff. I don't have time to write any more, but I will be here for you, as Bellz will be. There is much hope. You love her and she loves you. You will see.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Well there may not be a script, but there most definitely is a pattern. I kind of see where the other posters are going with the evil twin bit, but I prefer not to excuse the behavior so easily. It sounds like you really want to keep your marriage, so your story will likely play out considerably different than mine.

I honestly think contact has to be limited/ended between the two parties. Now that you are aware of the situation, you both need to make some hard choices. If she is unwilling to stop seeing him, then I would insist that she leaves.

In my opinion counseling is over rated. If you pay me 100 bucks an hour, I'll listen to both of you speak, and even provide nebulous answers as well. However, I would try to speak with someone in your church personally. It'll greatly calm your soul. I'm sorry you're going through this. It's a difficult road to walk, but God will sustain you.

LIL


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

obr3,

Go to marriagebuilders.com web site and affaircare.com. Both sites have information regarding the steps that are needed to end the affair and rebuild the relationship.

And your w does have a point that you most likely contributed to creating an environment where she or you might cheat; however, that is where your contribution ends. She stepped over the line whether it is just an emotional affiar (EA) or physical affiar (PA) -- to me the emotional is the worst part.

Remember when you expose to others it is done in a positive non-revengeful way. I.E. that you are exposing to save the marriage when talking with her parents, friends and co-workers. Be prepared for the "you embarassed me" etc type of come back from her. Just remind her that you are only speaking the truth and it is her actions that are the embarassment.

And listen to the others -- don't plead, beg, say I love you, etc. because that makes you look weak. Yes it is your instince to do these things but they will push her further away. Right now job #1 is ending the affair. Until that happens you can't work on the marriage because she isn't into the marriage right now. SHe is in the fantasy land of the affair where everything is roses to her. Remember her line "that he makes her feel good because he 'believes in her' ". That is big EA talk there. 


I also highly suggest you look to posts written by Affaircare and Tanelornpete. They can help you.

Take it from someone who did it all wrong with respect to an EA -- don't beg, don't plead and listen to Affaircare and Tanelornpete when they tell you something. And don't worry about whether your W will get angry or "hate" you for doing it -- remember you are trying to save your marriage.

On another front, you need to start working on yourself. If you don't exercise --- start. Read books -- I suggest "Being the STrong Man a Woman Wants by Elliot Katz. Very insightful -- at least for me. There are other things but start with the websites.

This is not a race -- patience, kindness, and time is what this is all about.

Good luck.

Peace.


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## obr3 (Jun 18, 2010)

Thanks for the advice everyone. I'm exhausted this morning but trying to learn more about how to handle this. I took the advice on researching exposure. I think reading a post called "When Should An Affair Be Exposed?"
By Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr.
10.28.09

on marriagebuilders.com I think the reality set in and I've been crying. Based on the article I should expose this to family and close friends. The thought makes me sick and I wonder if I can go through with it. I keep feeling like this is on me, I know better, but I can't shake the feeling.

Somewhere a book called Divorce Remedy was recommended. I do plan on picking it up asap. I'm taking the day off of work, she's at work, and I'm debating making the most dreaded phone calls of my life. I am worried about her family's reaction. This will be devastating to them as well.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

obr3 said:


> She said while she knows that she made decisions about this that I made her likely to cheat since I once asked her if she's eaten lunch with some guys from work; I asked in a sarcastic tone months ago.... I dunno.


BS, she knew it was wrong, this is typical of a cheating spouse, to put the blame on you. Remember, you didn't go outside the marriage vows, she did.

As far a exposure goes it can work but I have always considered it a last shot. It should be done with careful thought and planning. You are in an emotional whirlwind right now so I'd hold off for now until your mind is clearer. Collect any evidence you may have, phone records, dates she met with him... but keep it to yourself for now until you have a chance to get your arms around it or she refuses to end contact.

Next step, attempt to get the two of you into counseling.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

obr3,

Yes listen to Amp. Go to affaircare.com and look at the 7 steps to end the affair. And you need to start at Step 1 -- which as Amp says is collect evidence. This will give you time to get control of yourself (emotions) and your environment. You need confidence in yourself right now.


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## obr3 (Jun 18, 2010)

Thanks again. The seven steps are very helpful. My question is, how long do I wait after I've done step #2? I confronted her last night but she didn't agree to stop seeing him. She didn't apologize. The best answer I got was "I don't know what to do". That reaction scares me bad. Should I proceed with step #3?


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

obr3,

Right now believe less than 80% of her words and 50% of her actions. She is in a highly emotional state now as well. That is why you need to be in control of yourself. Don't react to her statements or actions without thinking things through first. You need to be the "calm in the storm".

This isn't a race. Go back to Step 1 -- have you gathered all the evidence. Remember you may need this for the others you may expose to in STep 3. 

I'm no expert in this thing, but I would ask her again to stop seeing him. And give it a little time. Affaircare and Tanelornpete can help you more with timing. Then onto Step 3.


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## Robrobb (Jun 18, 2010)

obr3 and all:

This is good advice and something I'll be learning about too. My wife has an online affair with another guy - which she characterizes as just talking, but clearly they are talking about very racy issues. Since there's no physical contact I've been slow to react to the affair, but it may be time to bring some more attention to bear.

I hope you and your wife find your way back together. My last two months have made me want to mend my marriage in any ways that I can.

Robrobb


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

Don't have time to read all of this. Wouldn't have advice anyhow. But if your wife fessed up to sex, she'd be the first adultress ever to do so. That denial means NOTHING!


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## Mario Kempes (Jun 12, 2010)

I'm going to go slightly off the point here.

Religion sometimes amazes me. I've seen parents (Catholic) totally disown their children because of having children before marriage, etc. Where I grew up, parents disowned their children for marrying someone from another Christian religion! (Rant over!)

OP, she's really kicked you where it hurts. The above posts have offered some very good opinion and advice. I hope you get to a better place soon.


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## obr3 (Jun 18, 2010)

We just had a short lunch together then talked in the car for a bit. This is hopefully good news. She said a girlfriend told her this is purely emotional and that she should at least try to mend our situation. When I asked her what she wants to do at this juncture, she said, hesitantly, that we should seek counseling/try to fix it.

That's good and I hope it's true. At the same time, she didn't seem completely convinced. She did make one comment about probably not being able to trust her feelings right now. I hope that she's starting to become aware that she's completely clouded.

Towards the end she admitted what she did was wrong. She bought up more aspects of our marriage (or just me) that she hates. I just politely took it all in without defending myself. The strange part to me is she's drudging up things that I haven't done in months or a year. The common denominator in nearly all issues she has is that they are things I've worked on and stopped doing for quiet a while.

Anyways, I just wanted to give an update. I'll continue to update as I can. I've not exposed the situation yet outside of my friend and his wife that I stayed with last night. My work provides up to 5 free counseling sessions and I plan to check with a local church for anything they offer counseling-wise.

Oh, when parting she walked around the car to hug me or at least be open for one. Hugging my wife has been one of the biggest highlights of my day to day life since we met. I wasn't sure if I should. It was awkward and surprisingly difficult for me. How a hug could be made so difficult... it's amazing. I can only speculate at how sex can ever be reintegrated, though I'm getting _way_ ahead of myself.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Thanks for the update. There are some positives there but the road may be long. See how the counseling goes. Good luck.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

obr3,

Its good she admitted it was wrong. Next step is for all contact to stop. Now this won't be overnight and will be hard for her -- the emotional attachment. 

You need to set up boundaries with her regarding things - like passwords to all her e-mail accounts, that you can check her phone for texts, etc. Things like that. And if she says hey that is controlling or thats my privacy, remind her that to work on the marriage is what you want and these are needed to that. And anything regarding intrustion of privacy -- she is confusing secrecy with privacy. In a marriage there should be no secrecy and privacy is only in the bathroom.

I do highly suggest that book by Elliot Katz. It helped me understand a lot about how to be a good husband.


Peace.


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## Robrobb (Jun 18, 2010)

obr3, this is good news. My wife and I started counseling just last week, and after the first session together we each spent time on the phone that evening speaking to friends and discussing our situation. Thursday morning she met me coming in from the front porch finishing one of those calls-to-a-helpful-friend, and we shared advice that our friends had given us, which amounted to, find the cause together and work on it. Clearly she looked upset and before I knew it we were holding each other - first time in over a month and wasn't it just what I needed. We talked and decided to spend weekends with time apart to help us decide what we wanted - so we were still maintaining co-parenting but not yet committing to being apart. the idea was, do we really want to stay together, or do we just want to not be alone?

Ten days later and she's not moving off her position yet, wants the time to do her own thing, and wants me to work on doing mine. No further expressions of affection from her. Clearly this is to be a long journey for me, so you might need to buckle down for a long one yourself. 

Best of luck


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

Hi obr3 - 

Just read through your thread, and hopefully I can give you some things to work on and think about. You've gotten some good advice so far.



> We just had a short lunch together then talked in the car for a bit. This is hopefully good news. She said a girlfriend told her this is purely emotional and that she should at least try to mend our situation. When I asked her what she wants to do at this juncture, she said, hesitantly, that we should seek counseling/try to fix it.


This is a very good sign - shows a lot of hope for your marriage. In fact, I'd say you most likely will recover and have a much stronger relationship. Your wife is open and willing to work on things.



> At the same time, she didn't seem completely convinced. She did make one comment about probably not being able to trust her feelings right now. I hope that she's starting to become aware that she's completely clouded.


She may not be aware of the fog she's created for herself, but she is wise enough not to take her feelings as absolute fact. That's a lot more than many - I'd even say most - people can say. 

I don't know if you read the article How Affairs Start on our website - it gives some understanding about how your marriage has landed in this situation. She probably won't be convinced for some time - and that is dependent on the amount of work both of you do on your relationship. 



> Towards the end she admitted what she did was wrong. She bought up more aspects of our marriage (or just me) that she hates. I just politely took it all in without defending myself. The strange part to me is she's drudging up things that I haven't done in months or a year. The common denominator in nearly all issues she has is that they are things I've worked on and stopped doing for quiet a while.


You did the right thing by not defending yourself - right now she needs to work through things, and the best help you can do is to listen (actively) to her, and give her the freedom and safety to voice her concerns. I am guessing that she is bringing up past things because she is aware of them, and may not have completely dealt with the pain or concern they raised in her at the time. Even if you have quit all of them, she may not have been able to process the troubles back then. Another thing that is probably occurring is that these are some of the issues she used to justify the affair in her mind. If that's the case, it's a very good thing she is talking about them - working over them will most likely allow her to see how they aren't as valid as she tried to use them at the time.

Another thing to keep in mind here (well, two things, actually) is that while _you_ may believe you ended all these hurtful actions in the past, it may not appear that way to you. Also, talking about them may lead to the revelation of new or different Extinguishers that may exist between you two.



> Anyways, I just wanted to give an update. I'll continue to update as I can. I've not exposed the situation yet outside of my friend and his wife that I stayed with last night. My work provides up to 5 free counseling sessions and I plan to check with a local church for anything they offer counseling-wise.


There is no need to expose the affair if your wife has already admitted it happened - and that it has ended. But there is a VERY important step that must happen:

She must end ALL contact with the Other Man. The marriage won't recover as long as there is the reality of the Other Man hanging around in the background as a backup - just in case things don't go as happily as she may want right now (in her fogged state.)

Keep the idea of exposure in your mind, however: if the affair does continue, it will be a necessary step. 



> Oh, when parting she walked around the car to hug me or at least be open for one. Hugging my wife has been one of the biggest highlights of my day to day life since we met. I wasn't sure if I should. It was awkward and surprisingly difficult for me. How a hug could be made so difficult... it's amazing. I can only speculate at how sex can ever be reintegrated, though I'm getting way ahead of myself.


DO hug, kiss, etc. DO SO! You have the power to decide to do such a thing - even if you don't feel like it. Keep in mind what your wife told you: are you completely able to trust your feelings right now? It's much wiser to do things rationally - deliberately. 

Finally: there are two steps to creating a healthy marriage for you: first, the affair must end (perhaps you can check that one off?) and second, you must work on your marriage.

Don't expect to 'go back to the way things were' - that's why you are here now. From here on out, you have the opportunity to be deliberately married - to realize that everything you do in your marriage can be aimed at either making it better or harming it. We all tend to sit back and let life go by. Marriage can't survive very well that way.

There is much hope for your marriage!

---------------
Now playing: Nakajima Dai - Breeze Song
via FoxyTunes


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## obr3 (Jun 18, 2010)

Tanelornpete, thanks for the thoughtful comments. Especially on her issues with me and my new hugging problem. Oh, and I've read and will re-read everything on affaircare.com

To you and everyone else, I have a bit of a concern about the other man and no contact. She said she will cut it off with him and sent him this text message early today: "Out of respect for Bryan, you and I can't talk until he & I figure things out. I owe him this much. Please don't text me back". I'm Bryan if you're wondering. The other man has now emailed her at least once this evening trying to touch base. She told me about it but I've not seen the email. She's left town for the weekend to visit family and also had to leave for a photography side job she has.

The OM is a co-worker of hers. He's in a different department, so he's not in her face, but he comes through there on occasion. He's highly persistent. A sweet talking womanizer to a 'T'. The work related proximity concerns me. It pretty much guarantees that contact will happen with the OM on a semi-regular basis.

Perhaps as part of another small breakthrough, she told me that she dumped the entire story on a male co-worker in her department. This is a guy I feel can be reasonably trusted; he seems genuine. He's been off and on friends with the OM though. The work connection is going to be a lingering concern for me. We've been planning to move a long distance away within a year from now, which would help put me at ease. Until then, I don't know.

The more I dig and the more she is revealing, the further back I'm dating the start of this EA.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

Don't ask her what she wants. She's in the fog. Tell her I want you to stop contact. If she refuses there is nothing you can do to directly change how she feels. I would disagree with asking her to leave. I asked my wife to leave and she did. I really didn't want that and it is harder to communicate. Having her in the house I am sure is extemely stressful, but then she is still with you. When I did the exposure my wife was out of the house. She was angry when she found out that I told most of our friends and relatives. She was angry because she didn't get her side out first. All our friends stepped up to try to help, but it didn't turn her around. Exposure is not meant to get her back. It is about popping the fantasy bubble. Once she has to deal with the real world then it is not so much fun any more. 
Check out more Harley. You may be able to make some love bank deposits now. But that is not likely. You would very much like to stay away from love extinguishers/busters. Find out what they are. Let me repeat what has been said by others. No begging or grovelling. It is unattractive, even though instinctively you want to do it.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> Tell her I want you to stop contact. If she refuses there is nothing you can do to directly change how she feels.


A bit of a clarification on this step - I wouldn't advise 'telling' her to stop. I'd phrase is as a request, and give the reasons why. She is an adult, and is freely able to make choices. The idea is to set a boundary around yourself - a limit to where you will go. You may not want a person in your life who insists on going to other people instead of you for support. 

Iamnot is quite correct on the fact that you can't change how she feels (that's humanly impossible) but you can change how you do things so that you build up an environment of respect, trust, safety and confidence. In essence, how she feels is irrelevant to the situation: how she _acts_ is far more important.


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## obr3 (Jun 18, 2010)

Just an update:

We've talked two nights now. She's written a letter to the other guy which he should be receiving today. I read it and it wasn't full of openings like her SMS had been. She's mad at me a lot, fairly cold, and makes snide sounding comments about me always being at home when she is. You know, doing annoying things like cleaning and cooking. I asked her 3 days ago to remove the other guy from her "friends" list on facebook. I asked her once more last night and she got really mad but didn't say anything. Facebook is trash and I hate having the two people that know about this problem bringing up the fact they notice the other guy and her are still connected on facebook.

She did snap at me about not having time to keep discussing us since she has a side job she's obligated to finish during the next few weeks. I know this is true and it's part of the reason I've been giving her space for weeks now. But when I backed off again, she just sat and practiced on the guitar for a couple of hours. Before I found out about the affair, she'd do the same, or go to "softball" practice for 5 hours, or go shopping for hours, or need to blow off steam by "driving around" for an hour, or blow me off then text the other guy and tell him that she welcomes any distraction he can provide while she works.

I left for a few hours last night, frustrated to no end that she doesn't want me around and is snapping at me. I came home late, slept on the couch, and left without much conversation this morning.

Counseling is scheduled for next Tuesday. I may need some anti-depressants too (never been on any). My heart is beating out of whack and I'm zoning out every five minutes. At times I'm hopeful about the marriage, then I come home and the resentment/rejection I get from her utterly depletes me.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

You are going inthe right direction. But no love busters!! Don't sleep on the couch. Stay with her as much as you can. Any posibility you can schedule a get away with her. Or vacation for ten days/ two weeks. You will not likely enjoy the get away but you will be away from him. That is the most important thing. 
This is not going to be easy or fun for either of you for the next 2 months. You may both need meds (according to Harley) I would worry more about her. You are on a postive track. The only slippage you might have is doing love busters. The depression of withdrawal could lead your wife to contact OM. Stay close. She needs the support to stay strong even if she is unlikeable right now. All to be expected.


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## obr3 (Jun 18, 2010)

Update again:

Tuesday went well. I bought and left flowers at her home desk. Left her sushi in the fridge. She had to work that night from home for a few hours so I left for a bit. Despite awkwardness I kissed her for the first time since I found out.

Today on the other hand...
She let me know that she'd be out with friends after work for a wine tasting that should take an hour. It turned into 4 hours but she did call me back twice while out. I was a nervous wreck at home the entire time. Despite calmly asking her twice in 3 days to remove connections with the other guy on facebook, she kept saying she hadn't been on there to do it.

While she was out I found that she'd visited his photos both late last night, early this morning, and several times throughout the week. She'd been looking at photos of their last secret date together.

I was in a rage inside. She came home, talked happily about her time out while remaining dense and cold to my apparently shaken state. My rage had mostly turned into dispair by then. I asked her a few questions and eventually why she kept checking up on the other guy. She accused me of stalking her then after a pause said she's worried about him and wants to make sure he's OK. I said, "so you're worried about his emotional well being?" and she told me in a disgusting tone to shut up.

I snapped. My patience was depleted. I left the balcony we were on, shut the door, punched the wall, yelled, slammed a door, grabbed my computer bag (for whatever reason), and headed out.

Somehow I stopped. She may have prompted me with a question. We talked and for the most part she let into me about how we've never communicated well, that I shut her out, and that (insert a truly disgusting tone here) I've never trusted her at all.

You want to know what's funny? Rewind 1.3 years ago and she made a big fuss that I talk too much and repeat myself! Fast forward back to the present and I don't talk enough!

It's difficult to explain this, but I've always been very receptive to criticism. Perhaps not in the first few seconds or minutes, but I'm open to any flaws I may have. There seems to be a lot of truth to the communication flaws she mentions. The magnitude of the flaws seem blown out of proportion in almost all areas. Then, she is picking me to bits for confusing things like: "wanting" to spend some time with her every day, not having a lot of personal guy friends, etc.

Her eyes hold zero respect for me and tear through me like arrows. She rails on about our communication issues anytime I bring up the affair. I tell her that I'm ready to work on our communication no matter how difficult it is. And that we probably need to spend time talking if communication is going to improve. This seems to anger her and I get the sense that she wants us to fail and is put off by my intense desire to improve.

She asked why I want this (the marriage). I said because I made a commitment before God and everyone else to love her through good and bad times. She didn't reciprocate.

I'm in a dark place now. My heart laid bare on the floor in front of me. This is taking everything I have each day. Work is near impossible. Vacation time is going fast.

Tomorrow I'm considering calling her dad. I don't want to tell him these things, but maybe she holds some respect for him. My words, no matter what, are trash to her. I also need anti-depressants or something. I feel like I'm losing control.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

You need to stay away from the arguing. Did you feel like things got better after your angry outburst? It didn't. It got worse. You need to listen. That is how she probably views communication. You not talking! You listening. Do not try to cinvince her of how she should feel. Your actions and confidence will improve the situation. Apologize for your outburst and direspectful statements. 
Do not leave. Do not threaten to leave. Do not ask her to leave. 
Be nice. Be attentive but do not smother. This is a very tough time for both of you. What do you like to do together? Do it. 
How does she have contact with the other man? Can you talk to him and tell him to leave your marriage alone? Is he married? Can you talk to his friends or family. His wife? Your wife will be ticked off but you need to stop the contact. Later she will understand. All you need is about 4 weeks to make some progress emotionally . Both you and her are going to be in a fog. Read. But don't share what you learn with her. It will push her away. You have to fight your instincts. Positive thoughts. Patience is very important. Compliments.
Do not tell her you are changing or will change. She won't hear it and it will be an obstruction. Show that you are changing.
Try to stay away from talking about relationship issues. Just work on improving you. You can change her attitude by changing you.
But the most important thing is to be sure she ends contact. 
Would she be willing to do counselling? You need to make sure that you can get a pro-marriage counsellor. You can do phone couselling with Fortel or Harley. They are said to be miracle workers. You would talk individually with them first and work out a game plan. They are all about saving your marriage. Then they will talk to her. 
Have questions of the forum? Fire away.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

iamnottheonlyone said:


> You need to stay away from the arguing. Did you feel like things got better after your angry outburst? It didn't. It got worse. You need to listen. That is how she probably views communication. You not talking! You listening. Do not try to cinvince her of how she should feel. Your actions and confidence will improve the situation.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:
I've been where you are obr, it's tough as hell but a steady hand is what's needed now. You won't pull out of this nose dive quickly but it can get better. Read the words on my signature, they helped me endure the really dark days and were part of the solution in bringing my wife back to me. Good luck and hang tough.


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

obr3 said:


> Update again:
> 
> Tuesday went well. I bought and left flowers at her home desk. Left her sushi in the fridge. She had to work that night from home for a few hours so I left for a bit. Despite awkwardness I kissed her for the first time since I found out.
> 
> ...


my friend your wife seems to be more concerned about her lover than her husband & she is telling you that on your face .

* ...I get the sense that she wants us to fail and is put off by my intense desire to improve....*

I think you are allowing her to treat you like a doormat but this needs to be stopped in any case , weather your marriage survives or not . 

I know you want your marriage but it will not work if it is only you who is trying .

Best of luck


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## obr3 (Jun 18, 2010)

Oh god I'm shaking right now. I'm finding search history where my wife is looking up, "My husband took me back after I cheated but I don't want to be married."

I've also found a puppy hug image she was looking up at work. At this point I'm 95% convinced that she's emailing the other guy from the office.

I sent her flowers today. I've been great. I'm dying inside over this. Does it end? How far does this go? It's been a week now and she's attached to him like a 16 year old girl in her first crush. Counseling can't get here soon enough. I've spent half my day reading His needs, Her needs. I'm sorry for the rant. I'm shook up bad right now. She's outside walking, taking a call. I don't know who it is.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

It is a very difficult time. But she is hmoe with you. You have to stay strong. You are doing great. You have the right book to come to an understanding of the basics of what is going on. Get it in your head that you can not start getting her back until the affair is over. Then it will still be a struggle for months. 
It has been 2 months for me. First month was horrible. I did not drink or take meds. I did not want those crutches. But you could ask your doctor for anti-depressants if it get bad. About 2 weeks into this my wife told me she didn't want to be married to me. She never used the word divorce (YET). However my wife is out of the house. I would love to have her back here even though the affair continues, but over the last couple days wondered how I could stand that and still not show love busting.
The little time we spend together I try my best to be very very level headed. Only my best side. Like we just started dating. 
When I found out, she stopped letting me do things that I use to do as a gentleman. Open the door. Carry her bag. Now that I have backed off (and told her so) she is less ambivalent. I do nothing and say nothing that could love bust. It feels like I am making no progress and I probably am not. But I am trying not to lose ground. iwant OP to lose ground.
At two months you will be sleeping well and have your appetite back as you will have considered almost every option a hundred times. There will be few surprises to really upset you. 
Have NO expectations.
Over the next couple of weeks, stay connected to this forum. Write, write, write. Get your feelings out. Listen to the advice here but make your only personal decisions. Do not beg or plead. Do not convince or manipulate. These things are not attractive.


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## obr3 (Jun 18, 2010)

@iamnottheonlyone, I'm sorry you're going through that. It's amazing that you can talk about it like this. These are new levels of human pain I'm discovering and I suppose it's new to most everyone here.

Last night she was talking to a female friend. With kindness and patience I asked her how she was doing since I know that she's struggling. She admitted to meeting with the other man a day earlier at work. He confessed his love and concern, explained why she's so unique to him, and that he only wants what's best for her. Also that he hates to see her go home to a man that makes her miserable and she needs to make the right choice for her own happiness.

I didn't get angry. I was happy that she was able to tell me, albeit prodded to share. She said that she doesn't want to be married to me. We are a bad match, she married too young (at 21), and she never had time to be alone.

She was upset about the flowers I sent to her office. It makes her upset that I'm taking vacation time to sit home and read up on marriage. She mentioned that these things feel like they are pushing her away.

I'm confused as to what to do. I'm supposed to show her love, yet doing so upsets her. Plus I backed off almost 100% for the weeks leading up to this, only taking care of cooking and cleaning, and she still became angry at me. It's a lose-lose situation. I can't be right.

I also can't compete with the aggressiveness of the other man at work. Most of her waking hours are spent there. He's still reaching out, making her question herself, us, everything.

I did talk to a co-worker that knows the other man. He said this is NOT the other man's first "rodeo" and that he's been in trouble for this before. I didn't get details but plan to contact the co-worker again soon to find out. If the other man has a penchant for ruining marriages, would it be good to have someone else tell my wife about this?


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

orb3..she has had a PA..it is so obvious..now everyone means well in wanting you to keep your marriage, but really, can you expect yourself to feel something for your wife after all this?..she has experienced the 'feeling' again, and she will always want that whether she admits it or not..I guess I'm not strong enough because I will not forgive nor take back anyone like that..Trust and Loyalty are the 2 hardest feelings to regain from someone, anyone can fall in love or infactuation, but the trust?...sorry..now you can do all the good things to get your marriage back and it might work, or you can kick her to the curb and say "you brought this on yourself, now you get yourself out of it"..bottomline is if/when you get back..can you when you are laying next to her stop from thinking "is she thinking about him now?"..


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

The hardest part for me was hearing that my spouse loves someone else. Hearing that my spouse doesn't love me was a close second. I can't say whether telling everyone about this is helpful in the long run. My wife said today that she has no more friends as I took them all. A friend of mine was trying to find out some background on the OP. Her sent an email to my wife's account. She was off the hook angry. She thought backing off for me meant quitting, And it doesn't. What it does mean is waitng patiently. Now is when you find out how much patience you truly have. 
The OP has been married twice before? I think that the affair won't last, but I can't push them together. 
Do you have the patience and fortitude to deal with this or do you need to clean the slate and move on. One more major mistake by me and she will have nothing to do with me. Then I am moving on.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

Fact: they always put it back on you..as far as waiting and patience?..for me it was 2 months..everyone is different..and here is the key to me about waiting and patience...now having a PA does not mean 'love' it is in fact, infactuation..but 'waiting' for them with 'patience' is what we do at the beginning..for me anyway..I call it, hoping against hope..but after time you realize, what they have done regardless of what WE did....now for me, I would have never left my girls or her...me personally cannot get past the hurtful words, the emotionless attitude, the totally different personality..but that's just me..and in time I will overlook it, just not with her..so me not getting past just words my chances of overlooking a PA/EA are zero,even though to this point she still denies it..I know..as for you..you seem smart enough where in time you will slowly start to see things a little clearer in between the emotional ride, it will still hurt, but the recovery will be quicker and soon it will go just as fast as it comes..IF YOU WORK ON YOURSELF DURING THE TIME APART AND STOP WORRYING ABOUT WHAT SHE DOES!!!!!..but it takes time


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## ConfusedinColumbus (Feb 20, 2009)

Obr3,

I still find it amazing how these things play out like a script.

Firstly, stop with the flowers/I love you/etc. Why are you buying flowers for your wife when she is in a relationship with another man? It seems counter-intuitive, but you have to man-up, be strong, and take control. By this I mean avoid groveling, begging, pleading, gift buying, etc - this will do nothing but turn her off even more and possibly push her into the arms of TOM (remember, in her world he is assertive, attractive, strong, etc). Understand, I am not suggesting you become a jerk, but rather, a strong and confident man, who if need be, will cary on w/out her is she doesn't sever ALL ties with TOM (without saying as much). You need to set the boundaries for this to work, one of which means no contact with TOM. But remember, you can't make her want to work on this, she has to want to. Nothing wrong with giving her some space, but do not let her walk on you and dictate the terms of reconciliation.

You did well by letting her unload on you about what upsets her, fairly or not (about you). Just listening and letting her get it off her chest is the right thing to do, although not easy - been there done that. However, understand, as much as she tries, her infidelity is not your fault. While you may have contributed to problems in the marriage just as I did, you didn't force her to deceive and betray you. Speaking of which, she will in all likelihood never tell you the complete truth about what happened. Assume the worst and if you are still willing to reconcile, let it go and don't' dwell on the "what ifs" and "I wonder if they…" If will tear you apart.

Reflect on your marriage. How can you become a better man? How can you become a better husband? Figure out the answers to these questions and work on bettering yourself for your sake - it is a win-win situation as you grow/improve regardless what happens with the marriage. Focus on yourself for now. 

Get into marriage counseling, but make sure you have a good counselor, shop around like you would for a good doctor, financial planner, etc. Our first was a disaster and made things worse, while our second was spot on and helped a great deal. Consider counseling for yourself as well - you need to vent and talk this out.

Go to the gym and get in shape - this allows you to blow off steam/stress, gets you in shape, and makes you more attractive (your wife and women in general) - a lot easier on the knuckles than punching walls too. ;-) Go out with your guy friends. Nothing bugged my wife more than not knowing what I was doing and seeing me have a good time w/out her - drove her nuts (in a good way). I often said it was the gym, martial arts, and a fine pint of Guinness that kept me sane. ;-) Again, focus on yourself right now.

Consider confronting TOM. Might be time to go "old school" as I have said before. I first looped his wife in (via email) and months later when it was still continuing, I confronted him. It was something I simply had to do as a man. Not for everyone, but I did so and would do it again. Consider this option carefully.

Carefully consider the "expose her actions to everyone" tactic, as the fallout from this could leave a trail of destruction. I only considered this when I thought the marriage was over. While some very close friends/family know, most do not. Of this I am glad, as since we reconciled, it would have made socializing incredibly uncomfortable. But, had we moved forward with the divorce I was fully prepared to out her behavior - something she was terrified of (losing her standing in the community).

All this said, patience is key. It took almost a year and me filing for divorce for my wife to hit bottom and find her way out of the fog. We are still recovering and continue to hit "speed bumps" and on some days I question why I stayed. But, I understand this is a long process and am committed to making it work, as long as my wife is "in it" and her actions mirror her words.

Be strong and hang in there.

CC


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## obr3 (Jun 18, 2010)

Thanks guys/gals.

I've been on the verge of exposure for a while. The more I read Harley's articles, the more troubled and hopeful I become.

Total separation of contact with the OM is stressed to no end. I must agree, knowing they are together 9 - 10 hours a day is murder on my health and according to Harley, she won't recover this way.

I'm going to ask her this weekend to read some of His Needs Her Needs, perhaps an article on no-contact, and then for her to quit her job. Obviously I can't force her to do anything, but I plan to ask.

We can move if needed as Harley suggests sometimes. In fact, I'd been plotting a possible out of state move for months now. To happen between 2 - 10 months from now. Obviously I'm looking at sooner rather than later. It's just hard to muster the faith and hope I need to believe she will stop Googling for "how to leave your marriage" at night if we do move into a new area.

Can she mentally come back to me? Are any of you the wayward spouse? This fog, its so dense and distorting. I know bad people. I'm not a bad guy. My wife isn't a bad woman. She's behaved badly obviously, but I married a good woman. Our marriage, while not perfect, hasn't been all bad. Do I need to work on things? Apparently! And I'm willing to do so. But I do show her affection and love. I'm not the OM though. And he's very skilled at seducing women, specifically drunk or married ones.

I wonder if my employer would let me work remotely, at least for a few months. Leaving them would be hard to do right now on both of us.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

Obr - - - 

You are in a lot of pain right now, and it is difficult, when that happens, to move forward - it's like being is a boat in a whirlpool - you keep rowing in what you thing is a forward direction only to find you are actually going sideways. 

Because of that, I suggest you approach this like you would any illness: do the correct steps in the right order, allow things to heal, etc. We list seven steps on our website that you can follow to get your marriage back on track. 

In order: 

Gather Evidence
Confront
Disclose
Expose
Carrot and Stick (Plan A on marriagebuilders)
Consequences (Plan B on marriage builders)
Legal Separation

Couple of things to note: we list them in order because for the most part they build upon one another (Plan A/Carrot & Stick should be your normal modus operandi in marriage). On top of that, this frees you from the stress of trying to figure out what to do next - this is a towrope that gets your boat out of that whirlpool. Figure out where you are, concentrate on that, and ask for help here on TAM about how to proceed.

Also, the 'Disclose' step can be merged with the Exposure step. We use it because we are a Christian coaches, and as such use a specific (Scriptural) approach. The end result of that approach is based upon respect of the other person: if you take the issue to a single other person whom your spouse considers wise counsel, you may avoid the further embarrassment of exposing to a group of people.

Each step may be the one that wakes up your spouse, each one makes the affair more difficult to carry on.

Now to address expectations:

Much of the pain, disappointment and frustration people experience can be avoided in one simple step: quit 'expecting' your spouse to act in ways you want them to. Your willpower cannot make another person act - and the pain, disappointment and frustration you feel when they do something contrary to what you have _willed_ or imagined that they will do will simply not happen if you don't set up the script ahead of time. 

There is a caveat here: you'll find this phrase used all over the place in regard to affairs - 'the script'. The script describes the predictable ways that people act when they are living a deceitful life - when they are breaking their promises to you, etc. 

Among the things found in 'the script' - massive revisionism of your past history. You'll hear things like 'we were never in love,' etc. Negative actions on your part are magnified, overstated, and dwelt upon. Positive actions are minimized and ignored. Your spouse will come up with new ways to continue the affair - new methods of dishonesty and hiding from you.

So...._expect_ this behavior. This is bound to happen - if you expect it, you save yourself the pain of discovering it - you already expected it. So in this instance, _expectation_ can work to your advantage. If your expectation is WRONG - guess what! That results in a PLEASANT surprise. Much better than pain, disappointment, etc.

Now - check off the steps on the List of Seven that you've already done. You have something you can do - a positive step. You have a grip on something to work on, you can quit guessing at what to do next. 

Asking her to read His Needs/Her Needs is a great idea - if she wants to. Another thing you can do is give her the Love Busters questionnaire to give her some freedom to vent. You might find out some things that you never knew.

As for asking her to do no contact: this is essential for your marriage. It CANNOT - _CANNOT_ progress until the affair ends, and that can only happen when the Other Man is NO LONGER in her life. Until then, ANY time she sees him, hears his voice, sees a picture, etc., she will take some steps backward, she will begin to reminisce. Until he is gone, _and an adequate time has elapsed in which withdrawal can occur_, your marriage will not really progress. 

My article on no contact

Remember that you can only request that she hold to no contact. You cannot make her do it. What you CAN do, however, is let her know that you cannot live with someone who cheats. You are the kind of person who needs a faithful spouse. These are facts about you, not demands on her.

----------------
Now playing: Yanni - Whispers In The Dark
via FoxyTunes

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Now playing: Yanni - Whispers In The Dark
via FoxyTunes


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## obr3 (Jun 18, 2010)

@Tanelornpete

Your comments about expecting her bad actions has actually helped me reach a bit of peace this weekend.

I printed your no contact article and she read it. She was quiet for a while and eventually removed him from her facebook account. However, I asked (not demanded) that she leaves her job. She said she can't, that it's the only place she has stability and support. She also cried and asked how she can give up someone she wants so much (the OM).

She started reading His Needs Her Needs. We also talked a long while and she exposed more contact with the OM. She also went on about how great he is, how while she knows he's seduced women before that their love is special and that he truly wants her in a loving way. She also told me that she knows they'd have great sex; largely by way of him telling her so. Also that for the first time in her life she could picture herself getting a house and having children.

I took all of those words like a pro. Though at the end I had no energy left and had to go pray in the shower.

We went out with friends that night (last night) to a downtown concert. My goal was to avoid thinking about our situation for a while. Honestly, last night was the first time in 4 years that I checked out other women a bit. Not because I wanted to, but because I can so clearly see her bailing on me and I see myself back in single life. I found out later that we went to the very karaoke bar where the love affair got into swing. She said it was really hard for her. 

I'm supposed to pour so much effort and love into our marriage right now, but she is hardly any help at all. She's not shown sincere remorse over the affair. She does "say" she wants to work on it, but she broke no contract. She sat there yesterday afternoon crying, saying she doesn't want life to be like this. I told her that it's not going to get better unless she leaves that job and him COMPLETELY. She won't right now. And she has solid job alternatives.

Oh, she said she won't have to quit because he wants to be a fireman and should be quitting soon. I feel stupid even typing that sentence.

Exposure? I don't know. It's embarrassing on some level, not that I care much. I may do it. At least to her boss. Family? I don't know. Would it help? Do I even care anymore? People work through this for years, God help them.

We've been married 3 years, I've enjoyed our time and I love her, but I'm exhausted and don't deserve this. I don't know how much more I can take. I'm a very loyal person and this resentment and outside love affair is kryptonite to me.

Side note:
I confided in my younger brother who proceeded to fly from CA to AL without telling me, visited the OM's house, and planed to "mug" him, or at least make it look that way. Some questions he asked allowed me to suspect something was up and I stopped him before I figured out he was in town. I told him that the better the OM's life goes right now, the better off my marriage is since my WW won't hear about his misfortune and want to go shower him with the love that she's taken away from me. Though I did appreciate the offer and when this is all said and done, I'm game for beating the mess out of the OM.


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

obr3 said:


> @Tanelornpete
> 
> Your comments about expecting her bad actions has actually helped me reach a bit of peace this weekend.
> 
> ...


my friend I can see you are exhausted , especially after taking all her emotional crap about OM . 
Even after cheating on you she make it seem like she is the one who is hurt & the victim . 

From your posts it really doesn't look like she has any love for you . May be you need to ask her this question if she has any love for you or not .

Tell her you dont want to keep putting your 100% into this marriage while she feels she doesn't want it & is just going through motions . 
Trust me you deserve much better than keep listening to your wife about her deep feelings & passion for OM .


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

Hey! They ALL think they don't love their spouse. Don't bother asking. Work through it. You know what you will hear. Disregard it if you want to save your marriage. You have done the right thing. You are holding yourself together. Keep it up. This is going to take a while. Do you have the fortitude? That's the real question.


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## obr3 (Jun 18, 2010)

Update:

Sat was a low point for me energy-wise. Sunday however, by chance I noticed that the church we've been visiting was starting a 4 day marriage seminar. What are the odds?! Despite the terrible things she shared with me, she agreed to go. It was 5 hours of classes on Sunday and 2 more hours for the next 3 days which we'll attend this week.

The seminar is run my Dr Jerry and Lynn Jones, called Marriage Matters. During last night's class called "Affair Proofing your Marriage" I could barely hold it together. They repeated many of the hurtful things that my wife has said to me in the past 10 days. "The script", regardless of knowing about it, still hurts to hear. 

They did offer a first come first serve 2.5 hour counseling session. We got one! It's set up on Tuesday just after the 50 minute session I set up through my job's benefit program. It'll be a busy day for us.

By the end of Sunday I felt like I was actually communicating with my wife a little bit. Though I know better. She still won't leave work and she's there in the same building with him now. During the class they suggested you may need to leave your job and put up a huge PowerPoint slide saying something like "RUN away from the arena of an emotional affair". Don't walk, don't skip, RUN. My wife isn't running. She's turning slowly.

Her molasses slow steps away from this situation concern me, but also give me a lot of hope. Yesterday was her best day yet and she actually told me that she loves me. Something I haven't heard in a while.

Still, for all I know, after today she'll go right back to drifting away. She wrote a 2nd no contact letter to the OM yesterday. I didn't get a chance to read it until today. I'm going to post it, because I'm not sure what to think about it.

I feel I need to fully expose this situation to her boss. Haley's smart and I doubt that company resources were used for their personal communication, but if the boss knows about the EA/PA, she may be able to help or at least not schedule them for the same meetings. Or, if he really has done this before at work, it might result in him being fired; which would be fantastic.

If anyone has any comments about my exposure to her boss, let me know soon. I'm going to try and set up a private meeting with her (the boss) in a few hours.

The no contact letter, edited as needed for privacy. I'm "Bryan" in this letter:



> [OM],
> 
> There's so much I want to say before I get to the main point of why I'm writing this but I guess I'll pick one thing and here it goes. I didn't give you much feedback the other day, but now I will. I think you should be a firefighter. You've been sitting on the idea for over a year now and your interest hasn't gone away. We both know how you feel about what you do at [COMPANY NAME] and you've been there 4 years so you know nothing's going to change. So stop trading your time for money and start doing something you're actually passionate about. Do something with your life that matters to you. Yes, the job may be emotionally difficult and dangerous, but I think if you don't try, you will regret it. Majorly. And yes, I recognize the irony in that last part because I knocked you for the "no regrets" philosophy in my letter earlier this week, but this is different & I'm sure you know that. Even if you find that the job's not for you, at least you will have learned something about yourself, tried something new, and freed yourself from the rut that often comes with a "comfy" job. You'll be that much closer to finding out what you want, even if it is to learn that maybe you're ok with a desk job.  So there's my two cents, take it for what it's worth.
> 
> ...


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

obr3 said:


> Update:
> 
> Sat was a low point for me energy-wise. Sunday however, by chance I noticed that the church we've been visiting was starting a 4 day marriage seminar. What are the odds?! Despite the terrible things she shared with me, she agreed to go. It was 5 hours of classes on Sunday and 2 more hours for the next 3 days which we'll attend this week.
> 
> ...


wow , that's impressive , isn't it ?


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

obr3 said:


> Update:
> 
> Sat was a low point for me energy-wise. Sunday however, by chance I noticed that the church we've been visiting was starting a 4 day marriage seminar. What are the odds?! Despite the terrible things she shared with me, she agreed to go. It was 5 hours of classes on Sunday and 2 more hours for the next 3 days which we'll attend this week.
> 
> ...


the NC letter is really impressive


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Hmmm...

I'm not sure but I do not really find this "no contact letter" as thrilling as others do. Here's my idea of a good example:

_Dear Affair Partner,

The relationship I had with you was thoughtless and cruel. It hurt many people, particularly my spouse, who did not deserve to be treated that way. I am committed to my marriage and determined to make up for all the hurt I've caused my family. I am going to work hard to be the best husband/wife that he/she deserves.

Because of the terrible offense to my spouse and the damage I have done to our marriage, I am permanently ending all contact with you. Please respect my wish to regain my integrity, and to heal my family. Please also respect my wish that you not attempt to contact me in any way at any time.

My spouse has all the details of our relationship and he/she will also be told of any attempts at contact.

Sincerely,

Disloyal Spouse_

Her letter is focused on the OM, him, his feelings, and some chit-chat. She says she's not as strong as he is resisting him, and she mentions how she'll try to only email him for work purposes. :bsflag: 

A true no contact letter focuses on the loyal spouse and on the marriage. So yeah that was a googly letter but I see opportunity for contact and some "niceness" in there. I'm picky I get that--but I'm waaaaaaaay less than thrilled with that letter.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

OBR - on the one hand I'm glad your wife is taking some steps toward reconciliation. It seem to me that she is willing to consider working on your marriage and that's a fantastic place to start. 

With the two of you working toward this goal, any small missteps along the way will be overcome. So you are on the right track. As for the NC letter:

The way we advise it, your wife writes a NC letter, and you read it and approve it, and then mail it yourself. That way you know it really was sent, and you are aware of what it contained. Hence, your wife letting you read it is a good thing.

However - it is NOT one that I would send. I did not find it impressive at all (sorry to everyone who liked it.) It contains way too many subtle hints at the relationship, and is way biased toward the Other Man - it almost makes it appear that you are somehow a second choice after Gigolo Quagmire. 

However if you are good with it, that is what counts. Even if it is a weak attempt to stop some contact now, as your progress in recovering your marriage, it will become less and less vital what the letter says. And if you do your work right (both of you) you'll move beyond a _recovered_ marriage and head into building an affair-proof place where the need for even considering that letter seems silly.

Stay the course!!!


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## obr3 (Jun 18, 2010)

Thanks everyone,

I was not thrilled with the letter. She sent it without letting me read it. It is certainly biased toward the Other Man and me being the 2nd choice has not been hidden in this whole ordeal. I AM the 2nd choice. I was 11 days ago and I am right now. This much has remained clear. Though in the past few days, something, perhaps just with the urge to do this "right" thing, I've become the 2nd place prize worth considering and slowly creeping towards.


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