# Am I expecting too much?



## wemogirl (May 31, 2011)

We’ve been married 10.5 years, together 14. My DH is a good guy in that he isn’t abusive, doesn’t drink, gamble, cheat, etc. I am a SAHM and we have 4 kids ages 8 to 2. My biggest complaint is that I don’t feel like a priority in his life. He’s very busy at work and just started a new position within the same company he’s been with the last 7 years. I have to ask him weeks in advance to take a day off to spend with us and that still only happens about twice a year. Last month he did take a week of vacation time to go out of town for an activity he was involved in during college. But no family vacation for us this year b/c he’s too busy at work now.

Right before and after his out of town trip, there was a lot of tension in our marriage and I told him that I don’t feel like a priority to him. He told me that I am his whole life and a priority. I told him that I needed more than he was currently giving to me. He said OK but never explicitly said he’d try to do better. 

I know in the past I’ve been too critical and haven’t handled things well but I try to change (based on what I’ve read – he won’t tell me what HE thinks I can do to be a better wife, I've asked him). I’m so tired of feeling like I do everything to make this marriage work and he's just along for the ride. In the past, the rare date night we’ve had has been set up by me. I’ve told him I would LOVE for him to schedule a babysitter and plan a date night. Three weeks ago I asked him to do this since we were going out of town to visit his parents. I told him it would mean a lot to me to have a date while we were there. The week before we left, we found out his aunt (that we only see about once a year) was also going to be visiting with his parents (our usual babysitter). I told him that maybe we shouldn’t go out so we could visit with her. He said he thought it would be OK. A day or so later I asked him if he had ever asked his mom if they’d be willing to watch the kids. He said it was taken care of and I was going to really enjoy what he was planning. So we get there and his mom says nothing about our going out. He never mentions it. I realized that I had forgotten to pack something to sleep in so I wanted to run to the store. He offers to come with me – asks his mom/aunt if they’d watch the boys so we could go. So while we’re out, I asked him point blank if he ever made any plans. He said no, he’d never asked his mom to watch the kids so we could go out and he didn’t make plans. He thought we’d decided not to since his aunt was in town. It wasn’t the fact that he didn’t plan it – although that hurt, too, since I had made it clear to him how much it meant to me – but the fact that he lied to me about it. I finally asked him a couple days later and he said he didn’t want to disappoint me so he lied when I had asked if he was planning something. This isn’t the first time he’s lied about stuff like this. I’m so tired of empty promises and ”I want to do this for you” and “I was going to do this for you but didn’t”.

He hasn’t gotten me a Christmas, birthday, Mother’s Day present for the last few years. I know I shouldn’t get hung up on “Hallmark holidays” but it’s not like he’s giving me things or showing his appreciation throughout the rest of the year. He knows the no present thing bothers me. But it continues. 

In the past, I’ve asked him why he married me and why he loves me. He told me that he didn’t know how to answer that question. Eventually it came out that he loves me because I’m nice to him. I can’t tell you how many tears I shed and how many questions I had to ask to get him to tell me that. He has since told me that he likes my sense of humor. I give him compliments a lot. He looks nice in his shirt, he’s cute, I think he’s sexy, he’s so funny and can make me laugh, he’s so smart. He says thanks. Never returns the compliments. So don’t believe the books that say that if you dish out more compliments, you’ll receive more. I’ve even pointed this out to him. “Do you like it when I compliment you? Well, I’d like to feel that warm fuzzy, too.” Is that too much to ask? Should I have to beg and cry to get my husband to tell me one thing he loves about me? Am I totally crazy here? Then he doesn’t understand why I don’t feel loved and cherished by him. I mean, after all, he’s still here and doesn’t beat us. He’s a good dad. He’s a good provider. What more could I want, right?

Sorry for the long ramble. I’m so tired and sad. I’m trying to get to the point where I just don’t care anymore. The only bad thing about that is that in suppressing the bad/sad/angry feelings, it also suppresses any happy feelings, too. I haven’t worn my wedding ring in over a week b/c it just reminds me of how happy I was when he gave it to me and how different things are now. I'm not ready to leave but I don't know how much longer I can continue like this.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

How about marriage counseling?

My wife asked me recently why it took someone else to tell me how to act like a good husband and I didn't know myself. I couldn't answer that. I think sometimes guys just need to hear it from someone else.

It worked both ways in our marriage counseling. Things my wife wouldn't listen to when I said it made perfect sense when the marriage counselor said it.


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## wemogirl (May 31, 2011)

Chris Taylor said:


> How about marriage counseling?
> 
> My wife asked me recently why it took someone else to tell me how to act like a good husband and I didn't know myself. I couldn't answer that. I think sometimes guys just need to hear it from someone else.
> 
> It worked both ways in our marriage counseling. Things my wife wouldn't listen to when I said it made perfect sense when the marriage counselor said it.


Thank you for the response. I can ask him but I'm not sure he'll stay yes. 

Sometimes I feel like I'm just crazy, though. I read about all the people being abused, cheated on, dealing with addictions, etc. and I feel like I shouldn't have any complaints. And yet, I can't help but think that the way he treats me isn't the way a wife should be treated.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Guys will do... what you give them "rubber stamp" of approval to do. This is how your marriage has always been. You've voiced your concerns, but you've only voiced them. No repurcussions... no actions on his part. Why should he? He know you'll eventually give up your current plight and things will be back to normal. 

And the thing about it, i don't think he's doing it because of being mean. I think he's doing it because... he just doesn't know any better. How was his parents relationship while he grew up? How about his brothers or people close to him? Somehow, someway he's fallen into a rut, and its easier for him to put his marriage on "coast mode" because its basically easiest for him. 

How ofter to you make love? I'm sorry for "going there" all of a sudden. Yeah you have 4 kids, but to me, all that says is that you've had sex 4 times. If things are lacking in the bedroom, guys can shutdown emotionally because its the only passive way we can get back at a woman. I know this... because i've done it myself in the pass when we've struggled as a couple. 

But basically you have to draw you line in the sand and say enough is enough. Things will have to change or you are leaving. If that doesn't snap him into the reality, the concept of childcare for 4 kids will hit him.


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## wemogirl (May 31, 2011)

Rob774 said:


> Guys will do... what you give them "rubber stamp" of approval to do. This is how your marriage has always been. You've voiced your concerns, but you've only voiced them. No repurcussions... no actions on his part. Why should he? He know you'll eventually give up your current plight and things will be back to normal.
> 
> And the thing about it, i don't think he's doing it because of being mean. I think he's doing it because... he just doesn't know any better. How was his parents relationship while he grew up? How about his brothers or people close to him? Somehow, someway he's fallen into a rut, and its easier for him to put his marriage on "coast mode" because its basically easiest for him.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the insight. Our love life is actually pretty good. Except when he's out of town or other circumstances, we are intimate usually 3-4 times a week. Part of that is that I have a pretty high drive  but another part is that I feel guilty when I shut him out that way. Plus, I do feel connected to him when we make love so I enjoy that emotional closeness.

His parents have been married almost 40 years and they have a good relationship. DH is a lot more introverted than I am. He doesn't have a lot of close friends. He's also pretty laid back which is good for me in some ways - I tend to be too uptight about some things - but I don't want him to be laid back about this and just go with the flow. But maybe that's not fair of me because that's the way he is about a lot of stuff. So am I asking him to change who he is? So confusing and frustrating! But I know if his boss was telling him to step it up a notch he would.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

He does not like you. I mean like as in like. Literally. He does not like your company. (He feels) You annoy him.


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## incognitoman (Oct 22, 2009)

I think if you can afford to go to MC you should. Don't ask him for permission. You wouldn't ask him if one of your kids broke their arm before taking them to the doctor (at least I hope you wouldn't). Your feeling broken so go work on it. 

Set up the appointment and let him decide if he is going to go or not. If you are only going so that he is there to be told why he sucks then you are going for the wrong reasons anyways. Go for yourself and if he goes he will learn things about himself too. None of us are perfect and we all need help. Make this about you and not about him.


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## wemogirl (May 31, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> He does not like you. I mean like as in like. Literally. He does not like your company. (He feels) You annoy him.


If this is the case, it makes me very sad. But you're probably right.


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## wemogirl (May 31, 2011)

incognitoman said:


> I think if you can afford to go to MC you should. Don't ask him for permission. You wouldn't ask him if one of your kids broke their arm before taking them to the doctor (at least I hope you wouldn't). Your feeling broken so go work on it.
> 
> Set up the appointment and let him decide if he is going to go or not. If you are only going so that he is there to be told why he sucks then you are going for the wrong reasons anyways. Go for yourself and if he goes he will learn things about himself too. None of us are perfect and we all need help. Make this about you and not about him.


You're right. Unfortuately I have at least one kid with me at all times. Now that school is out for the summer, it's all four kids. I've been trying to do it through books and online stuff. That's stuff I can do at home.

I'd really like to do a Marriage Encounter weekend but I don't think he'd do that.

Thanks for your input. I really appreciate it.


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## incognitoman (Oct 22, 2009)

wemogirl said:


> You're right. Unfortuately I have at least one kid with me at all times. Now that school is out for the summer, it's all four kids. I've been trying to do it through books and online stuff. That's stuff I can do at home.
> 
> I'd really like to do a Marriage Encounter weekend but I don't think he'd do that.
> 
> Thanks for your input. I really appreciate it.


Start small. A whole weekend might be overwhelming and he might wonder what angle you're trying to play. Do you know anyone who would watch your kids for 2 hours? Most MC sessions are an hour. I'm not trying to sound harsh but seriously find a way. There are 1000 reasons in your mind why you can't/shouldn't go. Push them aside and make it work. My guess is that you feel a little intimidated as well, you aren't sure what to expect and maybe don't want to face your own demons.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

Your husband has gotten lazy as far as you go. He has so many demands, and is stressed outside the home, that when he gets home he wants you to be the understanding, no-demanding wife. He wants to unwind while you make his life cozy, and do not ask or require anything from him.

I have the same issue with my husband. You don't want to leave the man based on this issue, but after awhile it gets tiresome, and it starts to have an effect on you. Don't be so quick to blame yourself. I did that for a long time, then realized it wasn't me. He was the one with the problem.

No you are not expecting to much. Thing is you haven't expected nothing for a long time, and he got comfortable giving you nothing. You have been the giver, the selfless one. Then you looked up, and thought "hey what about me."

I basically told my husband that if he didn't want to spend time with me then I would find someone who would. His choice. He has more to loose, than I would if we split. Guess what the man found time to spend with me. We have had a great time together. 

Do more for yourself, don't cater so much to his needs. Let him keep the kids while you go and do something just for you. Appreciate yourself. I have done this just recently, and it has made a difference in our 15 year marriage.


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## wemogirl (May 31, 2011)

4sure said:


> Your husband has gotten lazy as far as you go. He has so many demands, and is stressed outside the home, that when he gets home he wants you to be the understanding, no-demanding wife. He wants to unwind while you make his life cozy, and do not ask or require anything from him.
> 
> I have the same issue with my husband. You don't want to leave the man based on this issue, but after awhile it gets tiresome, and it starts to have an effect on you. Don't be so quick to blame yourself. I did that for a long time, then realized it wasn't me. He was the one with the problem.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for this post. It makes me feel like I'm not completely out there in wanting him to put more effort into our relationship. I am going out with some girlfriends tonight to celebrate a birthday so maybe that little break will help get my mind in a better place.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Hey, you are not crazy at all. You are busy and so is he. It is nice to be appreciated. 

It sounds like communication here, he is not hearing you. Just tread lightly and don't blow this up. Sounds like you two have a great thing going on but you have a need that he should adress and I agree from what you are saying. Good luck.


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