# My sister in law said something once...



## Picking up the pieces (Oct 7, 2012)

Years ago I was visiting my brother and his wife and my then only niece/nephew. My niece was 2 years old. Her parents told her to do something for herself, can't remember what it was but it would have been something she'd rather they do and she said "I can't". Her mom said "you can't or you don't want to". There's been a few times over the years since that day that I was thinking about something that I didn't want to do, "I can't". And I heard my sis-in-law in my head. Sometime over this past year, I can't remember when it was, I went from saying "I can't" about living without my husband to saying "I don't want to". I now have to face the fact that I don't want to live without someone who is hurting me over and over. I want to live without the pain and betrayal. But I don't want to live without him - don't worry! I'm not going back on what I've told him. It's her or me and since it's her, he and I can't be together anymore. I will stick to that. But I don't want to. And I wish I could get mad at myself and be like WTF is wrong with you????? Like true anger at myself about feeling that I don't want to be without him. But the anger isn't coming. I'm not even mad at anyone at the moment. Just sad. Maybe this is normal, like a normal stage of this situation or something. But I can't help thinking that no, it's not actually normal to still want someone who has done what has been to done me over the past year. The stuff before, I could actually forgive because there were mistakes on both sides, although I have never cheated. But this past year.....I do not deserve this. And he even says I don't deserve it. And yet I have to force myself to do what's best instead of WANTING to do what's best. Self, WTF?????


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

You're not alone in this. It's understandable to feel this way.


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

It is never easy to let go of someone you love. But staying should be out of the question when this person fail to deserve your love.
It's true, it's not that you can't leave a wayward, it's that you don't want to but you have to. I don't believe it is an easy decision for anybody.

I have difficulties finding your story through your posts, but I believe I read a couple of threads by your username. Anyway, all I can tell you is that:
- It is painful and heart crushing to leave someone you love. But you have to. You owe it to yourself and to your self image. If you stay with him, after he told you he chose someone else then you'll leave the status of betrayed spouse to the status of the other woman and you'll never be able to be loved by him the way that you deserve.

- Be firmer when you talk to him. Don't let his consious go away with stuff like: I didn't mean to hurt you or You don't deserve this.
I didn't mean to hurt you: Yes he did and saying that he didn't mean to hurt you only means that he didn't think much about what would happen to you, so if anything it just make the whole thing more painful and despicable. Adults are accountable for their actions whether they meant it or not.

You don't deserve this: He lost any previlege to think what you deserve or what is best for you. So make him cut this self praising s***.
Leaving him will be easier if you make him cut this bullcrap sweet talk. Only then you'll be able to see his true self. Cheating come from selfishness, it's contradictory that he feels for you and go behind your back. He's only doing it to ease some of the guilt he feels, you shouldn't let him use you to that end.

- If they end up being together on a long term, then you'r better off him. If you found love laying in a pile of s***, then you're a dung beetle.

It's never easy, but with time you'll learn to live with it and you shouldn't worry for yourself.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Picking up the pieces said:


> Just sad. Maybe this is normal, like a normal stage of this situation or something. But I can't help thinking that no, it's not actually normal to still want someone who has done what has been to done me over the past year.
> 
> The stuff before, I could actually forgive because there were mistakes on both sides, although I have never cheated. But this past year.....I do not deserve this. And he even says I don't deserve it. And yet I have to force myself to do what's best instead of WANTING to do what's best. Self, WTF?????


It's normal. 

My STBEH dropped the OW like a hot potato after Dday.

Still he engaged in other hurtful behaviors like responding to her as she waved him over on the street. 

He told me about the meeting, but it was agreed that he would ignore her like the piece of dirt she is. He did not honor that agreement. 

Also, he was caught going to a men's club. 

I did not want someone who was so passive aggressive and defiant in such a sneaky way. 

I can't allow someone to continue to disrespect me and hurt me as he has done. 

Also, the only reason I found out about anything is because my sTBEH was outed anonymously. 

If not for the anonymous alerts, I would have not found out about ANY of his bad behaviors.

That leaves me wondering how many other things I never found out about.

Life is too short to play warden and detective to the one person in the world you should be able to trust explicitly. 

What kind of lie is that.....married to a captive spouse who only stays faithful cause you spy on him/her


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You've been living in a twilight world of mixed hope and denial, and I think you've gradually lock yourself into an emotional place for so long now that's your true feelings are actually deeply buried.

You WH has been openly leaving you to go be with the OW, and then returning when he's had his fill. You've been in half a marriage, one where only you are faithful and loyal.

To cope you've shutdown emotionally to survive in this horrible situation your husband created. That's why the anger isn't there, and that's why your internal self motivation to stand up to him, call him the names he has earned for himself, and to put him out, and to publicly expose him as the cheat he his.

I do think thought that those emotions will return once he has gotten his cheating butt out of your daily life. Once you've had real time to be away from him, those emotions are going to wake up and you are going to look back on what he's put you though and be shocked and angry at him, and at yourself for putting up with him as long as you have.


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