# BPD Husband leaving over something that didn't even happen. . .



## pale-blue-eyes (Jul 27, 2012)

I'm at a complete loss of how to even handle this situation, my husband is leaving me (well I assume since he is currently going through all of his stuff and packing it up in boxes and bags) over something that didn't even happen. He has convinced himself that I did something that I didn't and there is no talking to him or trying to get him to see other wise. 

Does any one have any experience in dealing with a BPD spouse in this type of a situation? It just makes absolutely no sense to me, how can someone just completely make something up? and be so convinced of it that they leave their spouse? At the moment I feel like is it even worth trying to save? Even if I can talk him out of it it's just going to happen again, as it does all the time. He gets pissed off over something I have no idea about yells and threatens to leave, packs his bags, etc. Then tells me that its my fault he is leaving, it is my fault were getting a divorce, I'm the one who brought it up. Like WTF? seriously, I'm just so sick of being treated like ****, I love my husband and he does have his good qualities and good moments but is it really worth all this? Any advice would be helpful, particularly from those with BPD spouses. If your only comment is going to be something along the lines of "your crazy why are you even with him, why did you even marry him in the first place" please save it for someone else, believe me I have heard it many times from many people. I need advice on how to handle this situation while dealing with a BPD spouse, if I do decide it's not worth saving things are going to get real ugly real quick. 
Thanks


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

What you are describing is CLASSIC BPD behavior. And you're right, if he thinks you did something, in his mind you truly DID do it. His thoughts become reality in his mind. There is no convincing him otherwise. If you try to convince him, you are in effect telling him his reality is wrong and it will only serve to infuriate him and confirm his belief that you are untrustworthy, a liar, irresponsible, or whatever. 

Have you read Shari Schreiber's articles online? Here's a good one to start with. BORDERLINE PERFECT - Splitting, Splicing and Projection in BPD Personalities. I found her explanation of BPD behavior unbelievably accurate. Also, have you read the book _Stop Walking on Eggshells_? That's a MUST read for spouses BPDers. PM Uptown on this forum too...he has a wealth of information and advice about BPD. He was married to a BPDer for 15 years and has unfortunately had to become an expert in the condition because of his Ex's behavior.


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## pale-blue-eyes (Jul 27, 2012)

Waking, 
Thanks, Yes I am currently reading Walking on Eggshells but I'm a double major in college so it's hard to fit in extra reading on top of the ridiculous amount of school reading I already do. I'm trying, but things just seem to keep getting worse every day and I can't keep up. 

I've come to understand that in his mind it is "real" but I'm not about to agree with him just to keep things going. He basically has convinced himself that I'm having an affair and I'm not admitting to doing something like that when I haven't even talked to another male outside of a professional atmosphere for 9 years.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

I understand, and no, you do NOT have to agree with him or admit to something you didn't do, especially having an affair. You are in a tough situation. Are you considering leaving him? Do you want to try to make it work? What are your plans?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

What did he invent as an excuse to leave you?

What is the thing he's claiming you did?

Edit:

Nevermind (must read entire thread before replying.


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## I got this (Feb 25, 2013)

Classic BPD. No not worth it. Best friend has a LT BPD girlfriend he has a child with. She has moved in and out of his house over 30 times in ten years. One time it was three times in one week. Hired a moving company all three times. 

At this point its just funny. I and all of his family and friends have told him they refuse to discuss her with him an further. I told him so about 5 years aog. As soon as he brings her up. I say, Ill hang up unless you change the subject. 

All I can do is laugh its so pathetic. He loves her and has hope and she is great 80% of the time but she goes off the deep end over absolutely nothing and packs up all of her zhit and her kids zhit a couple times a year and within a week or six she moves back in. 

Hahaha


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## pale-blue-eyes (Jul 27, 2012)

I've never considered leaving him, unfortunately I'm an extremely loyal person. Any fights we have had about "leaving" have all been brought up by him, but of course he twists it around on me. 
I would like to make it work, I've been putting up with this BS for 9 years now and pretty much forgive everything and anything (he has never cheated or anything like that, just really emotionally abusive). I have realized that the only way to keep things going is for me to let a lot go and not take things personally. 
Currently we live (rent) a house from my aunt so he would be the one who would have to physically move out. He hasn't even said he is leaving, he just started packing up his stuff. I guess assuming I would say something (I used to cry and pitch a fit when he would do s**t like this) but I don't want to do that anymore and haven't said anything to him yet. Mostly I'm afraid of blowing up, I have a hard time approaching these types of situations in a calm state. Basically if he wants to leave I'm going to let him. Hopefully he'll realize he messed up or that he prefers living life with me, and if not then ?????


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## pale-blue-eyes (Jul 27, 2012)

Mr. ,
Ya for me its pretty much gotten to the point of it just being funny now. Ya that kind of stuff just happens over and over, unfortunately its not so funny for my husband who takes everything super seriously. I guess the only positive things is I chose to be in this relationship and I can choose to leave (although it seems that choice is being made for me), unlike your friend who can't and didn't choose his child. 
I know its hard to deal with listening to someone who has a relationship w/ a BPD, all my friends have basically said the same thing to me, but just know it is an extremely hard thing to deal with and I often feel very alone because no one will listen (its usually just "why don't you leave him already"). I myself have bipolar disorder (which usually gets a very bad reputation) but I would rather deal with a bipolar spouse over a BPD spouse any day. It is probably the hardest thing I have ever had to endure and I wish I had someone close to me who understood or even tried to.


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## I got this (Feb 25, 2013)

I am NOT even remotely close to an expert. Purely hobby interest in psychology. That said, my understanding which is very limited is the only thing that can rid BPD is medication but they stop taking it when they feel good and relapse. Its frustrating to epic proportions.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

From your other thread, your husband is also seening bugs, worms, etc all over the place that are not there.

You really need to get some help in handling what's going on.


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## LongRoadtoRuin (Apr 3, 2013)

Dear Pale, 
I have 2 very good friends with BPD. Both of them often confide in me relationship problems with their spouse and significant other. Both of these friends are very aware of their disorder and understand that their perception of a situations is sometimes skewed. That being said, they both rely on my advice to help them not to over react at times. Idk if it would help for your husband to have a friend who knows he and you well enough that he can confide in to help him sort though what he's feeling when the problem is between the two of you, but I know it helps my friends very much to know they can call me with anything at anytime of day or night. I hope this works out for the best for you.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Medication?


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

I got this said:


> I am NOT even remotely close to an expert. Purely hobby interest in psychology. That said, my understanding which is very limited is the only thing that can rid BPD is medication but they stop taking it when they feel good and relapse. Its frustrating to epic proportions.


Your understanding is incorrect. There is nothing that can "rid" a person of BPD. Medications can help ease some of the secondary symptoms that are bound to go along with BPD, such as anxiety and depression. But medications cannot treat a personality disorder. There is very little that can help it short of very intensive therapy - weekly or twice a week sessions lasting for YEARS, to retrain a person's way of dealing with triggers and to deal with the severe childhood emotional issues that almost all BPDers have. And the BPDer must be 100% willing to undergo treatment and do the hard work involved in making real and lasting changes. Very few accomplish this. The OPs husband has much more going on than just BPD. I believe he is also Bipolar from what was said in another thread...he is also psychotic. I don't mean that in a derogatory way. He truly is having psychotic delusions about skin parasites and so on. This may sound very cruel, because the OPs H obviously is not well and needs help...but my advice to her is to RUN!!! Do NOT sacrifice your life to stay married to a severely mentally ill man! Yes, it's not his fault he has this problem...but it's not your fault either, and you are not obligated to suffer and sacrifice your right to live a peaceful life because of him.


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## Riven (May 4, 2012)

If you want to keep this marriage and your own sanity he needs counseling. There is no med for this, he needs to learn to accept that he has it, then learn to identify when he's showing signs such as splitting and have a plan. It's not fair to you, and he needs to understand that. 

I'm assuming that he has been actually diagnosed and knows he has it? If so then he should be semi-familiar with what's going on and you may be able to firmly tell me that you think he's splitting and remind him of some of the "good things" you've done to get him to flip back, at which point he needs treatment. 

If he is having other symptoms such as delusions I suggest that he be admitted for evaluation for his own good, and yours. If he is having delusions, then that is grounds of admission without his consent. I'm sorry to have to bring it to that, but sometimes that is the best way to get things rolling.

Good luck, I am very sorry, this must be very painful for you to deal with.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> From your other thread, your husband is also seening bugs, worms, etc all over the place that are not there.
> 
> You really need to get some help in handling what's going on.


OP, sorry you are in this situation. Though I have not read your thread, this is a red flag to me. I am no Dr., and only slightly familiar with BPD, but the symptom quoted above seems 'psychotic' in the clinical sense of the term. I really feel you need to speak to a psychologist or psychiatrist about his behavior, privately, to get a tentative diagnoses so you better know exactly what you are up against here. Yes BPD is bad, and mabe is his problem? But, there may be other issues too?

Sorry to speak without fully reading your thread, but this place is so time-consuming!!


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

So he is actually hallucinating?


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