# Lets talk ROMANCE...where do you fall in these 5 examples-Has it changed over the yrs



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Taken from this >>>  Are you a Romantic Type? 




> Being Romantic means being sensitive, affectionate, and spritually-inclined.
> 
> The paramount quality of a romantic person is sensitivity. The romantic is a person who FEELS deeply, and attaches a lot of meaning to those feelings. Because of this, the romantic will express him/herself through such things as affection, verbal declarations of love, and meaningful gestures, all of which come from deep within.
> 
> ...


Now that you have a FEEL of what I mean by being a *ROMANTIC*.... 

Using these examples (below)....where do you personally FALL in Attitude / Beliefs / Expression .......and where is your partner? I would imagine polar opposites would cause quite an issue...from extreme irritation to withering .....like 2 different world views bonking heads. 

And has you & your spouses Romantic attitude changed or remained the same over the years ....and if so, HOW has this affected your union? (For instance ....maybe you both seemed a 5 while dating - but resorted to a 2 or 3 after some difficult struggles in your marriage). 

Do you feel the essense of Romance is VERY important in a healthy marraige or only on a very small scale...in the scheme of other importants in life? 

************************************************************************** 
*1. * Romance is not necessary. I see no point in it at all, these people are half corked ~ living in the clouds ~ Being "Romantic" all the time means the woman is too clingy and the man is "weak". Get a life!

*2.* Romance is overrated, it is like Barbie Dolls, only sets people up for Fairytales & Unrealistic expectations that visit my marriage & screw with my spouses head. 

*3.* Once upon a time I believed & walked in Romance...it was GREAT ...... THEN we got married & had kids. This is the best it gets, married life is not about romance, it is about security, commitment and stability. This is the most important. 

*4.* I see value in Romance - it inspires me at times...but I keep my feet on the ground... it still takes alot of work & effort to keep those candles lit & burning in a long term relationship. The ebb & flow of the Romantic is "enough" for me, we don't need to burn the house down with it. 

*5. * I am a born Romantic...It can't be separated from who I am.... I long to be near my partner, touch/kiss him or her, I "feel" us in every love song, when separated...we miss & crave each other terribly...hopelessly devoted, Romance is vital to me...I am a >>>


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Sadly.... I think I'm a five and he is a two.... its frusterating as all hell... :/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Gaia said:


> Sadly.... I think I'm a five and he is a two.... its frusterating as all hell... :/
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Somehow I think alot of women will say this... as I've noticed a good share of men TALK like that... why I spoke it that way. 

I wasn't assuming GATE would be as low as a 2 -since he is such a Physical Toucher & TIME person though (If I am recalling this correctly)?


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

The thing is though .. the only touching he does is grabbing my breasts, rear, or the occassional kiss.. unless of course there is sex. He has never came up and embraced me just to hold me and only held my hand twice during the entire relationship. I keep telling myself that its because he doesn't have time or he is tired.. but its really gotten to me lately.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Gaia said:


> He has never came up and embraced me just to hold me and only held my hand twice during the entire relationship. I keep telling myself that its because he doesn't have time or he is tired.. but its really gotten to me lately.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He doesn't sound very affectionate for the sake of the emotional, the comforting, the romantic at all -just like you said....a #2 . OUCH, that has to hurt !


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

It does :/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## geek down (May 10, 2012)

I'm a 5..once my STBXW would have been about a 4...now I can't see her for anything passed 2. I craved her..not just sexually, but I craved her touch...even the lightest touch...

She'd be doing the dishes and I'd sneak up behind her and wrap my arms around her and hold her tight..When we had good times, I had to be in contact with her in some way..either leg over her lap, or cuddling, or...any kind of physical touch...Spoon every night and I never wanted to let her go...

She'd always push away and then get close again...then push away...over and over....


I feel romance is ESSENTIAL...once its gone, its like necrosis..just eating away at everything...Romance..not sex, but romance..That pause during sex to look in each others eyes..The soft touch..seeing her eyes just light up and feel her skin get warm from your touch...even if its just holding hands...

I can remember our last school dance.....Our song came on and we just stood there...in the middle of the crowd dancing..just holding each other tight and looking in each others eyes...pushing her hair back and giving her a passionate kiss..and then just stroking her cheek......

I still feel I'm a 5...


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

I’d consider myself a hopeless romantic. Yet I don’t fit really in any of the descriptions well. I was a 5.... then I was betrayed. “It can’t be separated from who I am”... um.. Bull. It can be ripped out of you bit by bloody bit. So I’m still a 5 at heart and in my beliefs, just not with my spouse (I didn’t divorce); That would be more of a 2 now.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

OK I'll admit to it. I was a 3 for sooooo long (sorry babe). Been back to a 5 for a while and sooooo verrrrry happy!!! (right babe)


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

*Resistance Is Futile*


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## Rima (Jul 15, 2012)

Nice discussion. Hopefully some day I can give a good answer. Right now, I am a mess


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

Did i say 5?

Yes is did


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

None of them describe me exactly, but I guess I was closest to #3.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

5 no doubt about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Other end of the spectrum here. Mr. SandC (S) is a 5, Mrs. SandC (C) is a 4. She likes romance but I live it. It takes work on her part. Oh well. We work. Besides, she got great hooters.


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## SA's husband (Apr 9, 2012)

I am definitely a 5. When i am with my wife I get a warm feeling inside, gives me overwhelming joy. When I hear love songs I think of my wife and wish I was home with her. Our alone time is very precious to me.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I showed him ^^^ this thread last night & we talked about where our Romance barometers R now & have been throughout the last 30 yrs together..... nice he added a few words there. My husband doesn't say a whole lot but when he does, he can be very sentimental, mushy... yeah, I love that.









Although I am a thriving touchy feely drippy sappy faucet of affectionate & passion these days -- 5 all the way ....I wasn't always... 

While dating, I had that going on .....always writing him love letters ..... made personal stationary with our names enclosed in a heart with the arrow, we'd carve our names in trees -adding the "forever"... anxious to see him, always sneaking off to be alone, sitting close in the car driving all over the place, singing every love song that came on the radio together - looking into one anothers eyes .... It was all about "US"... 










Then after our 1st son.... trouble conceiving threw us a "monkey wrench".....the emotional stress of that set in...especially on me -my heart was set on at least 3 kids...I teetered between a 3 & a 4 for too many years sorry to say .... 

I remember him coming home from work many times, reaching behind me to hold me/ kiss me - his romance was primarily in his "touch" - getting a little frisky while doing the dishes for example...& I kinda gave him "attitude"... might have went off about something... squashing his Romance towards me. He never deserved that.  I was angry about being infertile, never his fault - but I was hurting & didn't handle it so well. It wasn't always bad but after a while, too much of that...and he backed away some. 

Then once the babies started coming one after the other (5 in 9 yrs)...I was on Cloud 9 Mommy mode....oh I was HAPPY...and he loved seeing me that way ....But he started feeling affectionately neglected by me. 

He stood by me like the faithful loving Husband & Father he always was though... adore him for that. But I could KICK MYSELF looking back. 

The moral of the story....IF we allow the Romance to take a dive (for whatever reason)... Emotionally we take a dive along with it...and so does our spouse... I allowed so many potential beautiful moments to slip through my hands with my husband - -my mind on other pursuits...worry stealing our Joy. 

Gotta remember to stop & smell the roses of Romance... I always had it in me. 

I found myself again...Now we're harmoniously back in tune with each other. 

This was my other thread on the Hopeless Romantic - a test one can take to see how Hopeless you are ...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...you-enjoy-sappy-movies-your-wife-gag-run.html
.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Lol thanks simply... think ill have gate take this test.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EynaraWolf (Aug 26, 2010)

Totally a 5.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

He's a 1 and I'm a 5. I gave up.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

I think we are both 4-5's. Both romantic and loving but there are times when life gets in the way & (quality) time spent together is difficult to find. 

We both WANT to be 5's.. the desire/intention is there...so that's the most important thing IMO.

Our relationship is a 'work in progress'... even after 25 yrs!


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Ouch cante... :/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I remember him coming home from work many times, reaching behind me to hold me/ kiss me - his romance was primarily in his "touch" - getting a little frisky while doing the dishes for example...& I kinda gave him "attitude"... might have went off about something... squashing his Romance towards me. He never deserved that.  I was angry about being infertile, never his fault - but I was hurting & didn't handle it so well. It wasn't always bad but after a while, too much of that...and he backed away some.
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...you-enjoy-sappy-movies-your-wife-gag-run.html
> .


SA You may find this hard to believe but this exact situation happened to us almost exactly as you described, right down to me doing that while she was doing dishes and how you responed to that. The only difference was conception was not a part of that equation. She acted just like you and it had exactly the same effect on me as it did on your husband. How did i react you might ask? I backed off! Just like him.

This is so strange its unbelieveable!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Racer said:


> I’d consider myself a hopeless romantic. Yet I don’t fit really in any of the descriptions well. I was a 5.... then I was betrayed. “It can’t be separated from who I am”... um.. Bull. It can be ripped out of you bit by bloody bit. So I’m still a 5 at heart and in my beliefs, just not with my spouse (I didn’t divorce); That would be more of a 2 now.


This is very sad...you expressed just how excrusiating that can be- how we loose a part of ourselves and we'll never be the same, even though your heart wants to let loose in this way...you've been emotionally bludgeoned by her. This has got to be so very very hard. I have thought for a very long time... that those who are the HOPELESS type would slowly die inside to be matched with a 1 or 2, even a 3 would be pretty BORING, uneventful, no need for moments of spirited affection between the 2. 



> *Geek Down said*: I feel romance is ESSENTIAL...once its gone, its like necrosis..just eating away at everything...Romance..not sex, but romance..That pause during sex to look in each others eyes..The soft touch..seeing her eyes just light up and feel her skin get warm from your touch...even if its just holding hands...
> 
> I still feel I'm a 5...


 I have to agree with you, when one is a Hopeless, it IS just that important to us. I would think most Hopeless's if they find themselves single - will put themselves out there again - in search for love. Just my speculation. That allure for the deep and meaningful would always be there. 



> *CantePe said *:He's a 1 and I'm a 5. I gave up.


 Was it always THIS way?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

He picked me up from work last week. That in itself was great to me. As soon as I saw him in the car, I started smiling. He got out of the car, walked around to the passenger side before I got there and opened the car door for me. I chuckled and said he didn't need to do that. He responded by taking my hand, and pulling me in for a kiss. When he took his hand away, I was left with a chocolate heart that he'd placed inside my hand. I was taken aback.

He did this sort of thing 18 years ago when we first started dating and it still gives me butterflies. There's been ebbs and flows over the years, for sure, from both sides. I think we're both the romantic types. I guess I consider romantic gestures as consideration to the other, and sometimes in a frivolous way too. It doesn't have to be grand gestures, simple and thoughtful is just as nice to receive. I love giving those moments to him too.....and if arranging something for him, it's fun to be filled with that excitement in thinking of him, expressing to him. At the same time, I do think that romantic love is partly illusion.

But after a tiring day, seeing his face and him picking me up from work, and then receiving a little chocolate heart on top of that? .......bought a big smile to my face. Not just because of the chocolate (mmm chocolate!), but because he'd thought of me, including the way he delivered it. We were just heading home together but in a very simple way, he'd made it feel date-like.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

oops! to answer your question...... I think maybe I was a 5 and now I'm more of a 4. I'd say similarly about him too. I feel content with this. We've shared many romantic moments over the years, big and small, and while we both still appreciate romance and thoughtfulness and expression, I feel we're in a slightly different place. I don't know how else to describe it but to me, where we're at now, feels more grounded.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Yes and no. He used to be at least a 3, sometimes a 4. It's been so long at a 1 i don't remember what it was like. Like I said i've given up on asking, begging or demanding. It just doesn't happen when all the person has is excuses.


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## occasionallybaffled (Apr 12, 2012)

I'm a 4 and she's a 6. lol. It works pretty well for us.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Gaia said:


> Lol thanks simply... think ill have gate take this test.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I took it and got a 97% out of 100%...

Holy Hannah... I didn't think I was that much of a romantic...


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

CantePe said:


> I took it and got a 97% out of 100%...
> 
> Holy Hannah... I didn't think I was that much of a romantic...


That is, I think, the HIGHEST result I believe has been shared on here ! :thumbup:

But yet...I can't imagine how very very difficult it must be for you, knowing how I FEEL as a #5.... to be living with a man who has now fallen to a #1. The emotional devastation there ...to have all that passion, wanting to bestow it -but not having it received with open arms and ...given back.

God Bless you CantePe, I hope you can find your way back with him, or just to find this again with another in this life...I know for us Hopeless Romantics, it just IS a part of who we are. We are very "*sensitive*" in this way. Doesn't always help us in life I suppose....but not sure we can change it either -unless we actively numb it somehow. Which isn't the best answer either. 

Maybe HE is doing that in some way- I wonder (not familiar with your personal story).


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I am a 4 - most days she is a 4. 



SimplyAmorous said:


> Taken from this >>>  Are you a Romantic Type?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> That is, I think, the HIGHEST result I believe has been shared on here ! :thumbup:
> 
> But yet...I can't imagine how very very difficult it must be for you, knowing how I FEEL as a #5.... to be living with a man who has now fallen to a #1. The emotional devastation there ...to have all that passion, wanting to bestow it -but not having it received with open arms and ...given back.
> 
> ...


Well, my story is he had an EA with a woman from Va... for 2 years before I found out about it.

It's been pretty much downward spiral since August 2008 (when we got officially married) but we've been together since 1999.

I do very much believe that piece of paper killed our relationship to be honest - on his end anyway. I regret ever getting married. Sad isn't it.

I'm also a writer (horror mostly but I do write a mean romance\erotica story from time to time - none of that smut crap though).

I think I was born a romantic to be honest.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

CantePe said:


> I think I was born a romantic to be honest.


I tend to think we are too - but if hurt TOO much, we can NUMB it somehow -just to get through...or so I would think....

I found this article, thought it was worth a mention:

How to Date a Hopelessly Romantic Person When You Are Not Hopelessly Romantic


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I heard this old classic on the radio yesterday  "Hooked On A Feeling ~ High on Believing you're in love with me" (Lyrics/Pics) - YouTube... and just thought...that speaks it all right there...even yrs after marriage, one can still be riding on this wave of "feeling".


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

No surprise here...I am a 5. That description fits me perfectly. My wife is a bit harder to peg. Maybe a 4.5? She is a romantic in ways but her ISTJ Myers-Briggs personality makes her more practical than me (I am an INFP). I can be over the top...probably more like a 6!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I am FOR SURE a 5! And my love language is physical touch. Maybe this makes me too demanding, hence why I am single yet again.


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## Monty4321 (Jul 15, 2011)

I am a male and I am a 5 all the way. I was born that way and its part of my dna. My xwife was a 1 literally. That's partly why she's my x.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Arbitrator is a* *"5"* / *STBXW a* *"2-1/2." * * And that's giving her the benefit of the doubt! 

Grossly mismatched, I'd say!*


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I'm somewhere between a 4 and 5.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

I suppose we are both about 4's.

We have long since stopped swooning, but it's still there when we want it - and we don't neglect it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Ex is probably about a 2

SO and I are 4's


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Monty4321 said:


> I am a male and I am a 5 all the way. I was born that way and its part of my dna. My xwife was a 1 literally. That's partly why she's my x.


I feel it IS in our dna too, in men it's called "vasopressin" ... 



> Some Men Lack Receptor for Snuggling, Scientists Say
> 
> ROMANCE HORMONES
> 
> ...


How to Love Smart Naturally for the Long-Term - Love can be sustained through an understanding of the love hormones at work. Dopamine, Vasopressin & Oxytocin that naturally occur in the body can make love last 

The science of love: 

Sounds like an interesting book >> Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love:


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I am a 1 she is a 2.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I used to be a 5, married to a 1. I think that took me down a notch and lowered my expectations. I'm a 4 who would be OK with a 3. Not sure where boyfriend falls. We may have to work to bring him up a notch.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

For far too long I was a 3 but am now working hard at raising my game to a 5 again.

the lovely woman seems to think this is a good idea.

Yippeeee!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

tryingtobebetter said:


> For far too long I was a 3 but am now working hard at raising my game to a 5 again.
> 
> the lovely woman seems to think this is a good idea.
> 
> Yippeeee!


That's wonderful ! :smthumbup: Not that you are looking.... but if anyone is.... here is a link & some book ideas to help in this area ... great to hear a husband want to UP that a little - to please his wife . :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup:








50 Ways To Be A More Romantic Husband









The RoMANtics Guide: Hundreds of Creative Tips for a Lifetime of Love:  

1001 Ways to Be Romantic,3E: More Romantic Than Ever: 

How to Romance the Woman You Love - The Way She Wants You To!


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## stoney1215 (Jun 18, 2012)

i would have to say that my wife and i are both at about a 3 1/2 .

for us security , commitment , and stability are what is most important . not too far behind though is the romance , the spark , the FIRE !!!!!!!!! with the stress of kids , bills , home , and every day life problems piled on to your marriage it is very important to have to romance , spark , and fire to remind you both that its all worth it .


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

I'm just a hopeless romantic simply by nature! And if there's someone who subsequently loves me the very same way that I love them, without regard to condition or circumstance, then I am simply "putty" in their hands!

I know that I've been accused of being "in love with love!" But I'd rather think that it's just "being in love with that one special person"
that matters so very much more to me!


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## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

I'm a 5 and my H is probably a 4. Hasn't changed yet as we've only been married 4.5 years. He's not overly romantic which is a shame because when he puts his mind to it, he's very good at it.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

arbitrator said:


> I'm just a hopeless romantic simply by nature! And if there's someone who subsequently loves me the very same way that I love them, without regard to condition or circumstance, then I am simply "putty" in their hands!
> 
> I know that I've been accused of being "in love with love!" But I'd rather think that it's just "being in love with that one special person"
> that matters so very much more to me!


I just







your posts Arbitrator. I think it's a certain C0cktail of hormones that does this...



> *What is love?*
> 
> The ultimate answer to this question may vary across time, cultures, and individuals, but at the biological level love is, arguably, oxytocin. The hottest thing in love research, oxytocin is a brain
> chemical that plays an important role in social relationships, especially parental attachment and *pair bonding*.
> ...


And never forget Dopamine playing the role in the "excitement" ~ like a drug...and Testosterone fueling the lust.


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## Lavender&Lace (Oct 7, 2011)

I'm a 4 at the very most. My husband could very well be a 5, in the sense he is very touchy-feely and wants to be all up on me when he is in a good mood. He has calmed down over the years, because I don't always need to be touching him, to feel okay, this has been a serious complaint of his against me. My lack of affectionate-ness. It's weird. Like I'm the man and he's the woman, lol.


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## DiZ (May 15, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Taken from this >>>  Are you a Romantic Type?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I am more romantic. He used to be when we first met and it's frustrating as hell why he still cannot be that way. Once he got me the romance kind of stopped a bit. When I complain it's ok for a day or so and then he slips back to where he was. Sometimes I just give up. 

Romance to me is just little things throughout the day. Little three second things like hugs, touch, calling me sweetie. It fills us what I call my love tank.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Taken from this >>>  Are you a Romantic Type?
> 
> 
> 
> ...



My wife is a definite 5, and I'd say I'm somewhere in the middle of 4 and 5.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

I am definitely a five. Hubs is probably a two. It's incredibly difficult. He's had rare moments of being utterly romantic...more so than I could even imagine. But lately he's been more...disinterested. We're at the worst that we've ever been currently. 

I am trying not to give up.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Created2Write said:


> I am definitely a five. Hubs is probably a two. It's incredibly difficult. He's had rare moments of being utterly romantic...more so than I could even imagine. But lately he's been more...disinterested. We're at the worst that we've ever been currently.
> 
> I am trying not to give up.


Wait, trying not to give up on romance, or your marriage??


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

jaquen said:


> Wait, trying not to give up on romance, or your marriage??


Both.

We had a talk recently, one that actually turned out to be great. Tonight we're going on our first real "date" in a while, so hopefully things will get better from here.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Created2Write said:


> Both.
> 
> We had a talk recently, one that actually turned out to be great. Tonight we're going on our first real "date" in a while, so hopefully things will get better from here.


Oh, I'm sorry. I had no idea you guys were going through tough times. My image of your marriage is one that, while not perfect, is solid and in great shape. I guess I must have missed some of your posts!

I'm really, really rooting for you guys.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

jaquen said:


> Oh, I'm sorry. I had no idea you guys were going through tough times. My image of your marriage is one that, while not perfect, is solid and in great shape. I guess I must have missed some of your posts!
> 
> I'm really, really rooting for you guys.


This really is the only issue we've had. It's been there since the beginning of our marriage, and due to some poor communication early on and some lack of effort, it's gotten to be a bit of a sensitive issue. We've been trying to fix it by starting with communication, and working on the essentials. I'm also working on prioritizing and not being quite so emotionally sensitive. I'm also working on putting more focus back on the sexual aspect of our relationship, cause it hasn't been what it used to be. He's working on actually expressing his emotions, good and bad, so that he doesn't seem so disinterested. 

It's still difficult emotionally. I told him early on in our dating relationship that I'm an emotional person, and he sort of just assumed that I was exaggerating. I really think it's more based on our differences in childhood experiences, but even so, it's hard to change habits. 

Thanks for rooting for us.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Hubby and I are a lot a like. I'd say we are both a 5. He's a little more romantic then I, but keeping the romance alive is not difficult at all. It starts off in the morning with flirt texting while he's at work. I love flirting with my husband and he always is touching me in some way. Opening the car door. I use to get flowers every Friday, but that stopped as our family grew.lol

We do take a break once in a while, but never more then a 2-3 day span. Hubby and I know each other very well. It's nice this way. We are two very happy hopeless romantics lost in each others arms just about on a nightly basis.

It helps taking one on one time daily with each other and an hour is uninterrupted by the kids. We happily please each other in many ways nearly everyday. Both he and I love being this way. Instead of dates outside the home, we have them at home since I have such a hard time leaving.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

4. I see value in Romance - it inspires me at times...but I keep my feet on the ground... it still takes alot of work & effort to keep those candles lit & burning in a long term relationship. The ebb & flow of the Romantic is "enough" for me, we don't need to burn the house down with it. 

^^^^^^
This is probably where I am presently Its a work in progress.
Was never really the romantic type. In fact I was somewhere around #2 . But I guess over the years things change? ' Age I guess.

5. I am a born Romantic...It can't be separated from who I am.... I long to be near my partner, touch/kiss him or her, I "feel" us in every love song, when separated...we miss & crave each other terribly...hopelessly devoted, Romance is vital to me...I am a
[ hopeless romantic ]
^^^^^^^
This here is my wife. From day one.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Created2Write said:


> I am definitely a five. Hubs is probably a two. It's incredibly difficult. He's had rare moments of being utterly romantic...more so than I could even imagine. But lately he's been more...disinterested. We're at the worst that we've ever been currently.
> 
> I am trying not to give up.


I used to be like your husband at the beginning of our marriage.
But now I'm closer to #4.
Don't worry , he WILL come around.
It takes time to" recalibrate " the male brain.


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## amorous_1 (Nov 29, 2010)

Me 4.5 her a 4.0 IMO.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Caribbean Man said:


> I used to be like your husband at the beginning of our marriage.
> But now I'm closer to #4.
> Don't worry , he WILL come around.
> It takes time to" recalibrate " the male brain.


Thanks.  It helps to know that others have been where I am. Is there anything your wife did that helped you? Or discouraged you, either one?


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Well its kind of funny.
She didn't do anything really.She just loved me for who I am.

But , we read the " love languages " book early in our marriage and I began to see things in a different light.
I began purchasing the flowers, binging little gifts for her , and trying to do romantic stuff. I say " trying " because I am not naturally like that.
But I just wanted us to be happy in our marriage and I understood that in order to do that , I needed to speak in a " love language" that she could understand.

Maybe you and your husband could get that book and read it.
It helped us quite a lot.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Caribbean Man said:


> Well its kind of funny.
> She didn't do anything really.She just loved me for who I am.
> 
> But , we read the " love languages " book early in our marriage and I began to see things in a different light.
> ...


We have read it. Twice. lol. 

Maybe we need to read it again...


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Created2Write said:


> We have read it. Twice. lol.
> 
> Maybe we need to read it again...


Like I said in my first response,
" ...Its takes time to "recalibrate" the male brain.."

During the early years,one of the most funny but romantic things I can remember that we did was when she insisted on teaching me " sign language."
So she taught me the basics over a period of time. Sometimes we would sit for hours and try to carry on conversations using only sign language.She thoroughly enjoyed that.
It was hard for me to figure out what she was saying at times 
_but it taught me how to pay closer attention to what she was
" saying "_, 
literally.

One evening we were having a " sign language " conversation about all different stuff, when I surprised her by telling her , using sign language , that I wanted to make love to her.

We did and afterwards she cried.
Said it was romantic .
But I guess I had just begun to learn how to speak to her in a way that she understood. [ no pun intended]


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Caribbean Man said:


> Like I said in my first response,
> " ...Its takes time to "recalibrate" the male brain.."


Thanks.  I'm learning that this is true of my husband, and that he responds much better to positive reinforcement and respectful, nonjudgmental discussions. It's difficult for me to tone down how I feel, but if I expect him to alter his habits, I should alter mine as well.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I'm a messed up romantic, on one side I can be a born romantic - a natural ability that even enabled me to flirt my way back into my wife's pants within a few minutes despite her being p-ssed or mad or whatever, or the sensitivity that I have to listen and remember, to the point that I end up being very thoughtful and romantic with surprises/gifts.

On the other hand I despise vulnerability, and I can close up, spit out just as much if not more venom as I take, and be a complete harda$$/a$$hole/jerk. Both sides are still me, it's just either heads or tails. My wife knew of this but I guess she never truly learnt how to bring out the best in me - and nor me with her.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Created2Write said:


> We had a talk recently, one that actually turned out to be great. Tonight we're going on our first real "date" in a while, so hopefully things will get better from here.


 Yes, date nights, getting off making those memories ...this can UP many wonderful things. Sounds like you are studying hard at College ~ maybe you both need a change of scenery. 



> I'm also working on prioritizing and not being quite so emotionally sensitive. I'm also working on putting more focus back on the sexual aspect of our relationship, cause it hasn't been what it used to be. He's working on actually expressing his emotions, good and bad, so that he doesn't seem so disinterested.


 This is the typical way MEN & WOMEN generally miss each other right here... the complaint of the ages. Men feel women are too emotional ....and he lacks in expressing his emotions. 

I wonder what his inborn Temperament is... my guess is...You are a *FEELER* and he is a *THINKER* ...and it creates a natural divide...which takes a little more understanding to "get" each other. 

Have you ever done any of the temperament tests Created2Write ?? I think these tests are helpful for more deeply understanding why our spouses ARE the way they are, their "wiring" if you will...



> 3 tests I found ~ *16 Temperment /Personality Types*....
> 
> 16 Personality Types Quiz
> 
> ...


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> This is the typical way MEN & WOMEN generally miss each other right here... the complaint of the ages. Men feel women are too emotional ....and he lacks in expressing his emotions.
> 
> *I wonder what his inborn Temperament is... my guess is...You are a FEELER and he is a THINKER ...and it creates a natural divide...which takes a little more understanding to "get" each other. *


^^^^^^^
The part bolded was my wife and I in the first three years of marriage.
Caused a lot of arguments ,misunderstanding and almost derailed everything.
Took a lot of reading , rewiring , and " horse trading" to get back on track.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Caribbean Man said:


> ^^^^^^^
> The part bolded was my wife and I in the first three years of marriage.
> Caused a lot of arguments ,misunderstanding and almost derailed everything.
> Took a lot of reading , rewiring , and " horse trading" to get back on track.


My husband is a *FEELER*...whereas I am caught in between a THINKER and FEELER ....this has served as a near perfect match in each other... 

I am admittedly very spoiled & pampered with his being affectionately giving, offering his emotions without reserve... I'd likely feel like I hit the desert sand with my lips parched for water -with a different type of man. He's ruined me & I pray he never dies! 

My husband is very mushy, he can tear up over a love song/ a feeling that rises in a moment /making love....he's dripped his tears unto my face... we'd laugh, then we'd cry & hold each other so tight. Then laugh some more. 

Once just laying on the floor ....his head over my chest....he looks up at me & says... "This is the most beautiful sound I ever heard" ...with tears in his eyes. 

I was like DAMN ....then I started to ball !! This is typical behavior from us.. but I







it - cause I'm a crazy Romantic fool & married another one ! 

I only know this big divide from listening to many stories the women pour out & from hearing some friends complain about their husbands & Exs. I know what they are missing. 

But then again, my husband could step up the ALPHA in the bedroom ...throw me down on that bed / pin me up against the wall ...... I think we all have a little something we want more of .....(so hard to please us women after all ! )...

But at the end of the day...I'll keep my mushy sappy sensual Hopeless Romantic....he makes me feel like I'm on the mountain tops with the wind blowing in my hair. 

I said to him the other night in bed ... "You are the Wind Beneath my Wings" ...and he says back to me ..."and you are wonderful tonight" (Eric Clapton tune). Loved that !


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Created2Write said:


> *It's still difficult emotionally. I told him early on in our dating relationship that I'm an emotional person,* and he sort of just assumed that I was exaggerating. I really think it's more based on our differences in childhood experiences, but even so, it's hard to change habits.





> Thanks.  I'm learning that this is true of my husband, and that he responds much better to positive reinforcement and respectful, nonjudgmental discussions. *It's difficult for me to tone down how I feel,* but if I expect him to alter his habits, I should alter mine as well.


Thought I'd throw this thread I started a while back - put it in the Men's clubhouse >>

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-c...otional-how-do-you-handle-roller-coaster.html


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Yes, date nights, getting off making those memories ...this can UP many wonderful things. Sounds like you are studying hard at College ~ maybe you both need a change of scenery.


College is on hold currently. Finances have been tight, and I have had to take a term off, and might need to take next term off as well. So, I am working hard on being a housewife, and keeping things clean. His job has been increasingly stressful, which is both good and bad. His boss has seen his leadership skills and given him more responsibilities and a raise, but the other guys in the shop have been increasingly disrespectful and mean. So, I try to keep the house as warm and cozy as I can.



> This is the typical way MEN & WOMEN generally miss each other right here... the complaint of the ages. Men feel women are too emotional ....and he lacks in expressing his emotions.


He learned not to express or deal with his negative emotions because his father had a period of time where he was terrible to him, bordering on verbally(and once physically) abusive. Hubs is so down to earth, I never thought that his experience could still be affecting him, but it has.



> I wonder what his inborn Temperament is... my guess is...You are a *FEELER* and he is a *THINKER* ...and it creates a natural divide...which takes a little more understanding to "get" each other.


Even without the test I can say for sure that this is us. He definitely is a thinker, I a feeler. lol.



> Have you ever done any of the temperament tests Created2Write ?? I think these tests are helpful for more deeply understanding why our spouses ARE the way they are, their "wiring" if you will...


I'll take the test now.


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## DCMarriageCounselor (Aug 30, 2007)

Love the post. We are both probably 4's but I can be prone to spells of catching a "romantic cold" from stress and pre-occupation with my own work that moves me down to a 3 when in reality she could live in the 4-5 range easily. I try hard to mask moments of even being in the 2 range but have recently started owning up to myself (she already knew of course). Me not having the courage to talk about how much lower I've been getting was making it very hard to connect. Talking about it, admitting the details without fear of hurting her 4-heart, was really connecting and is opening up new channels of communication and openness both in romance and in the bedroom. I also could easily express my disappointment at my sliding lower which made it easier to give details that she needed to hear and I needed her to know about.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

She's a 4 I'm a 2 but we make do.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

I think we are both 4's. We would LOVE to say we are 3's, because that would be mean we have FINALLY had a kid after 4 years of trying. 

We're probably 4's because we're just clinging to each other for comfort.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

committed4ever said:


> I think we are both 4's. We would LOVE to say we are 3's, because that would be mean we have FINALLY had a kid after 4 years of trying.
> 
> We're probably 4's because we're just clinging to each other for comfort.


Trying to conceive yrs on end.....this is very difficult... been there.... but if it's upping your Romance- just a little clinging for comfort - this is one small plus during the "believing, hoping, praying and anticipation" phase. 

This LOWERED my romantic feelings (wish I could go back & relive those years)....when I was going through that I was grouchy, more of a basketcase ....nothing seemed to matter to me - other than ..."It's time honey - I need your







deposit" . Terribly one tract minded... We had our 1st son -this helped ....Took another 6 + yrs to get the next. Many tests, pokes, prodding & a surgery....then they started coming. 

Have you been tested, do you know the cause - preventing conception Committed4ever?


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## JediG (Nov 9, 2012)

We're both fives, him a little subtler than me. Total saps. And we've always been like that.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

I was a solid 4 until becoming a jaded 2 as I've gotten older.Eventually I'll get to level 1 and start yelling at kids to get off of my lawn. 


Happy Friday everyone!


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Trying to conceive yrs on end.....this is very difficult... been there.... but if it's upping your Romance- just a little clinging for comfort - this is one small plus during the "believing, hoping, praying and anticipation" phase.
> 
> This LOWERED my romantic feelings (wish I could go back & relive those years)....when I was going through that I was grouchy, more of a basketcase ....nothing seemed to matter to me - other than ..."It's time honey - I need your
> 
> ...


Nope don't know the cause. Been thru same things you have including marathon sex when the time was right. All options have not been exhausted but all insurance benefits have.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

5 all the way !! It's just what I am ! Hubby is 3.5...but wll, he's a man... I find women in general to be more romantic ..at least among the ppl I know


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## AxeofWar (Mar 16, 2014)

This is a woman's description of romance??? (!) No wonder I've been confused. I can totally do this. But society's version of romance is much harder and is in so many ways impractical unless you have lots of time and money to blow. Wow... this is great!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I'm definitely a "5." It just reflects the Southern way in which I was raised!*


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