# The big Q.



## roguebrittany (Apr 3, 2011)

I've posted on here before, about a few problems I was having in my new marriage (we've been married for only four months). 

We've been together for a few years now, married for four months. We've had our fair share of problems in a our relatively short relationship. From an emotional affair, to a lack luster sex life & of course financial stress. Thankfully we're pretty good at communicating with each other, usually. But I feel like there are things we need to work on. In a lot of ways, we're total opposites. Our lifestyles are almost entirely different. I'm a city loving die-hard vegan, he's a steak lovin' country boy. I dealt with alcoholism with my father growing up, and drugs with my mom- so I live sober. He is a mostly recovered alcoholic, but still drinks a 30 pack a week.. but is never fall down drunk anymore. He also "dips". (Yuck). I LOVE being outside, he'd much rather hang out on the couch and watch tv & movies while not working. Due to some anxiety issues I dislike going out alone.. but he never wants to go outside with me. So, we do what he wants to do. I always feel guilty if I ask him to do anything I want. I've not worked since I moved here.. he's the sole provider for our family (by family, I mean us & our dog and cat) and I know he doesn't like to go out. Our lifestyle has become increasingly more sedentary. But, the guilt keeps me from nagging him about it. It's also why I don't buy new clothes, shoes, decor, etc. Anyways, I'm off course.. 

All of our differences I can look over.. except one. 
Noted, I have not really had a sit down talk with him about this.

Recently I had a pregnancy "scare". I had been feeling odd, and decided to take the a home test just to rule it out. Much to my surprise, it read postive. At first, I was terrified & anxious about how to tell him. I kept going through all of the things we would have to change in our life. I decided not to tell him until I could take another test. After a couple of days of thinking, I was surprised to find that I was actually a little.. excited. After the excitement.. I was almost joyous. Everything seemed to just click on the 5th day. All I've ever really been good at, was taking care of people, animals, everything. Maybe in some way, I had always wanted to be a mother. I wasn't sure. It just felt wonderful.. my entire mindset changed, & I was happier than I think I've ever been in my life. 

I was about to finally tell my husband, but just to be safe I decided to go ahead and take another test. I nearly cried when the three minutes were up & I read "not pregnant". My heart sank, I just sat there in bathroom for what felt like an hour. I didn't tell him until long after I had taken the second test (and then a third at my physicians office to be certain) about the "scare". He seemed to be relieved. 

My problem now is that I'm realizing that a child (yes, singular) is definitely something I want in my future. I need to talk to him about this.. but I've not for two simple reasons:
1.) This is all new to me. I don't even know how to begin that conversation.
2.) Because I'm about 98% sure that he doesn't want to have any. Period. And I'm terrified that his rejecting this will be the straw that breaks our relationship. 

I need advice, any advice.. on how to bring this up with him and find out how he feels about it. I don't know if I can give this one up. I know, it seems silly.. since I've just made this decision, but know that it is something I feel strongly about, and that I am confident that I can do, with the help of my husband, of course. We can afford it, have the time & energy.. but, I just don't think he'll want it, I really don't.


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

Have you sat down and asked him if having a child is something he sees in the future? 

Did you guys talk about this at all before you got married?

BTW, coming from someone who had a baby shortly after getting married, I advise all newly married couples to wait at least a couple of years before trying to expand the family.


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## roguebrittany (Apr 3, 2011)

We've not sat down and talked about it since getting married. 
We did talk about when we were dating, and at that time.. he'd wanted (someday) a girl & a boy. At the time, I didn't have much to add to the conversation, because I'd never really thought about having kids of my own. I was always taking care of everyone else's. Lol. Later on, he'd changed his mind. Always talking about how glad he was that we didn't have any. 

I don't know if I want one immediately, but I know I want to try to have one within the next year or two (if he wants to, as well). But, I'm just afraid that he's really just not going to want one..


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

Seriously not kidding when I say it's best to wait at least 2 years. Focus on your marriage right now. 

But you do need to sit down and have a frank conversation with him about whether or not he's open to having children in the future. Only way to clear it up.


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## roguebrittany (Apr 3, 2011)

Thanks for the advice.  
But, in all honesty.. I'm not even sure how to start that conversation. I rarely get him to talk about things seriously.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

What are you afraid of? That you'll spring it on him and he'll say no and you'll waste a couple of years of your life hoping he'll change which he won't? Better to know that sort of thing now.


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## roguebrittany (Apr 3, 2011)

I guess I am afraid of that. 
I guess its also just awkward for me to bring up. I've never been good at bringing up the issue unless something happens. But, just dragging this up out of nowhere is going to be hard. But, I'm going to talk to him over dinner tonight, and see how he feels about starting a family.

I'm also afraid, because I'm not really ready for it to be over, if he feels differently than I do.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Awkward? If you have kids he's gonna be there for the conception and ultimately, staring up at your cooter watching a human being come out. How much more awkward does it get?


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## roguebrittany (Apr 3, 2011)

LOL! I suppose you have a point there. 
I mean awkward in the sense of.. I don't know how to get him to take me seriously.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Just put it out there sensibly. Honey I want to seriously consider having a baby in the next 24-36 months. How do feel about that? Can you commit? I don't need an answer right now but do the math, it's got to be a goal for our family soon.


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## roguebrittany (Apr 3, 2011)

I attempted to bring it up. 
But things just started going down hill.
As I suspected, he wasn't in a mood to actually listen to me. 
& after a disastrous dinner & our car breaking down.. I decided to start rethinking things. And now, I'm not really sure if I want to ask him.. he gets so irritable and angry over the smallest things. And I just don't think it would be fair to put a child in our situation..


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Isn't that part of your answer? I mean he's YOUR husband. Do you need engraved invitations to speak with one another?


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

roguebrittany said:


> And I just don't think it would be fair to put a child in our situation..


Brittany-- I think this is a valid question you need to seriously need to ask _yourself_._ 

Is_ it fair to put a child in the situation you and your husband are in right now?


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

roguebrittany said:


> I'm also afraid, because I'm not really ready for it to be over, if he feels differently than I do.


Why does it need to be over? You ask, he says no. You can continue the relationship for as long as you like until you decide it is time. At least broach the subject so he knows you are thinking about it.


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## roguebrittany (Apr 3, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Isn't that part of your answer? I mean he's YOUR husband. Do you need engraved invitations to speak with one another?


You're right. 
Its not that we don't talk. We do, about most everything. Our relationship used to not be like that. I have problems opening up. But, I guess maybe I have too many problems myself to really raise a child. But, my point is.. yes, we do talk. I just.. wasn't really sure how to bring about the conversation.. 


MGirl-- I know. The more I've thought about it, the more I think that a child isn't something we can put in this mess of situation. I had thought things were getting better. But as I stated above, my problems are becoming more and more clear. I let what I wanted be more important than what I can handle.. what WE can handle.


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