# Triggers and wanting to know more



## why98 (Dec 8, 2016)

Been on here for a few weeks, attempting to post but then chickening out. But reading alot of old posts and see my story (the gist of it) is quite common. Life gets hectic and instead of facing the problem one partner chooses to have an affair

My story. I have been with my partner 14yrs, he has 2 kids from a previous marriage, I have 1 child from a previous relationship and we have 1 child together. My child and our child together have disabilities. We both work FT but as he is a shift worker there are weeks were we only saw each other in passing or not at all. We have both been through alot in the 14 yrs and these past few years kinda of both zoned out and retreated to almost seperare lifes.

I take responsbility for the failings in our relationship but certainly not for his affair. It was discovered 3 months ago when I got a FB msg from the OWH. Apparently his AP confessed to her HB and he in turn told me. The affair was only 2 months, physical for 1. I was trickled truth and now cant beleive a word he says. There def is NC with the AP as she has interfered with his job.

My issues at the moment is obsessing over the details? And rerunning scenarios in my head (i apparrently almost caught them one day when I was attending our childs school function) I know the major details but I keep obsessing over the little details that I will never know and dont want to as this would probably be more hurtful to me.

Also triggers are bad in a jerry springer type scenario she was a "friend" that reconnected with him. As she was going through bankruptcy and working as a cleaner so we offered her a cash in hand job. Unfortunately she starting cleaning alot more than my house! 

I am attempting R, some days I am good and think ok whilst its hurtful we can get through this. Other times I just wanna punch him in the nose and yell at him for ruining my life.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Keep in touch with us, the people at TAM.

We have walked a mile in your shoes and we know all the pinchpoints.

We have your back. 

The Social Spot here at TAM is good as it is a fun place to have fun and to let off steam.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

You've probably read enough in here to know what you need to do. 

He should be giving you total transparency (access to all devices, etc.) right now. He needs to completely cut off all contact with her and send her a letter stating so. You sound like a person who needs to hear all the details (some people don't), so I would suggest getting it all out in the open now. Yes, it will hurt, but the alternative is to let the unknown stuff gnaw at you for years and impede reconciliation. Explain to him that any continued lies or omissions are dealbreakers for you.


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## nursejackie (May 22, 2015)

I am sorry that you are here. Counselling would hopefully help the two of you move forward and maybe give you some strategies for coping with the triggers. Triggers are awful and they happen to everyone. I had to leave the room while watching a show twice last night- once just because the married guy in the show was dancing with a woman- it helped that i got up and left. I took a bath and tried to think of other things-- sang to the radio-whatever interrupts the thought "loop".


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## why98 (Dec 8, 2016)

Tatsuhiko said:


> You've probably read enough in here to know what you need to do.
> 
> He should be giving you total transparency (access to all devices, etc.) right now. He needs to completely cut off all contact with her and send her a letter stating so. You sound like a person who needs to hear all the details (some people don't), so I would suggest getting it all out in the open now. Yes, it will hurt, but the alternative is to let the unknown stuff gnaw at you for years and impede reconciliation. Explain to him that any continued lies or omissions are dealbreakers for you.


After the last lie I caught him in being the AP turned up at his work and begged him to leave me after there was supposedly NC I told him that this was the final chance, he started to realise this was it and opened up. Trouble is i want to know the details but I cant handle the details. I went fishing for more details Wed night and after I got them went spiralling downwards again.


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## why98 (Dec 8, 2016)

Nurse jackie We had MC for a couple of sessions after DDay until i said that I wanted to move to IC so I could decide what I wanted. (In Australia we have a limit as to how many sessions we can access and both MC and IC dip into those sessions) then I wanted him to attend IC to discover why he chose to do this awful thing. We are at the stage we need to go back to MC. 

How did others go about dealing with the horrible things your partner said about you to the OW in order to justify the affair to themselves. My partner says all he said about me was I was cold, distant, easily annoyed but i had the OWH in my ear saying he was saying that he loved to f#@k the OW in the shower as I was too fat to do that,that I am an unfit mother, he was only with me to gather evidence of supposed abuse to take the kids away from me etc. At first i thought the OWH was actually sharing information until he tipped his hand and I saw that he was wanting revenge so bad and would do anything to gain it. Funny thing is (and here is where is gets 50 shades of f'd up) is that the OW had recently began working as a full service escort with her husbands blessing. So how on earthcould the OWH be so mad at the affair when she f's dudes for a living???


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## nursejackie (May 22, 2015)

Goodness! Now thats one f^cked up husband! There is something very wrong with that dude and it wouldnt surprise me if he did make that stuff up for revenge. Maybe he was mad your H wasnt paying his wife for it?! 

I had an EA/PA 25 years ago. I can honestly say I never said anything negative about my H. OM asked me once what was wrong in the marriage. I cried and said obviously somethings wrong... but I never slagged him. I never thought OM was better looking (he wasnt) or better at anything physical (he wasnt) OM was simply better at making me feel seen and heard when I was feeling invisible. No excuse - just saying what my mindset was.. 

Ask your H what it was that he got from this OW that you werent giving him. Not because it was your fault it absolutely wasnt! But it will give you some insight into his mindset. Was it just a cheap thrill? variety? Did it make him feel young? sexy? admired? When I went to IC (when I thought H was having an EA/PA) she said find out what hes getting from OW and give it to him. The best I could figure was OW was giving him admiration and making him feel appreciated. She was young so probably made him feel young as well.

I recently found out that he had also at least necked with several different girls throughout the marriage on the dance floor and one in a private room. As far as I can figure out they were just cheap thrills - probably made him feel desirable and macho.

Those are all easy fixes. Read his needs her needs as well. BOTH of you. I'm sure your needs are not being met either!!!

Keep reading and posting on TAM. You will get many different perspectives, support, and comfort in knowing that all your feelings are normal. You are not alone.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I am so sorry to hear of your plight, but if your wayward H even mildly refuses the rigors of MC and decides to skip out, then he can face the certain trauma of a divorce court!

He's been totally and unapologetically unfaithful to you and if he even remotely wants to keep you, then he's going to have to dance to the music that you are playing!

Other than that, you need to haul his a$$ to the cleaners for damned near everything you can! 

Sorry that you're here at TAM, but you're now among friends who have some idea about what it is that you're going through!*


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
The wanting to know details is a two edged sword. On the one hand you feel the need to know what she and your H "shared" together so you can try to figure out true motive and intent, on the other, this knowledge serves to confuse and bewilder you even further when you try to understand how one could do something so vile to someone they supposedly care about. I too struggle with this. I have come to realize that, by and large, people who cheat are mentally deficient. If they were not they could not rationalize such a deceitful, hurtful, damaging response regardless what was being "done to them". They would not throw away their honor, their integrity, their trustworthiness but would instead communicate the problem and try to ascertain if it was resolvable.

Instead they destroy their own character which, to me, is the act of someone not fully cognizant of their actions and the ensuing consequences both to them and to their family. They are indeed child minded and think only of themselves and the moment, giving no thought to the future or consideration of anyone else that will be affected. This mental deficiency also precludes them from feeling the deep guilt and condemnation that their actions should invoke and, consequently, they do not feel the deep remorse necessary to fully convey to the BS that they truly understand just how catastrophic their actions were/are. And the reason is because they in fact do not realize it.

I share your plight and I understand your angst. If we assume that the above is true, which I wholeheartedly believe, then how can we ever look at that person as someone in whom we can place our trust, our future, our lives? People who are mentally mature act rationally, with reason and purpose whereas those that are mentally immature act based on impulse and instinct. This is the reason that, when asked why they said or did some thing or another, they respond with "I don't know". How can a cognizant being do something without knowing why they are doing it? They cannot.

So the question you must ask yourself is can you be with such a person long term and find any semblance of happiness because the odds are extremely slim that they can change. It then falls to you to either accept them as they are or find someone more mature. I wish you good fortune.


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## release2016 (Dec 30, 2016)

OP I too am very sorry you have to be here.

The OWH sounds like a real pig, turning the knife like that on you when you have done nothing wrong. 

Regarding the triggers, you KNOW they will keep on coming up so maybe it could help if you decide now/in advance on a few things you can try out to help yourself when they inevitable interrupt and unsettle you. 

Maybe try a mantra (e.g. "this is tough but I AM handling it"), and/or followed by some music therapy (listen to/sing an uplifting song) to get you over the trigger trauma. Maybe do something physical - just some marching, jumping, squatting on the spot - if circumstances allow. 

I used to beat myself up when the triggers came, essentially telling myself off for triggering! More recently I just try and accept that they may never completely disappear because I am only human - I try and tell myself I’ll be okay rather than chastise.

Take good care of yourself.


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## nursejackie (May 22, 2015)

It may sound silly but I have really found it helps to turn on music you like and sing AND move to it- it doesnt have to be dancing it can be any kind of rythmic movement drumming your hands running in place or just swaying with your eyes closed. I think this bumps up some feel good chemical- you may have to persist for awhile but it is worth it. You end up feeling like you can cope rather than like you are going mad with anxiety. 

It may be similar to a runners high- I think music and rythmic movement activate the same stuff.


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## release2016 (Dec 30, 2016)

why98 said:


> ...
> 
> My issues at the moment is *obsessing over the details? And rerunning scenarios in my head* (i apparrently almost caught them one day when I was attending our childs school function) I know the major details but I keep obsessing over the little *details that I will never know and dont want to as this would probably be more hurtful to me*.



In an ideal world the WS, once caught, would tell the BS the whole truth, and continue to truthfully answer whenever more questions arise thereafter. But like you say it's hard to reconcile wanting to know stuff and at the same time knowing that stuff is gonna hurt like hell. It's like a slow death when the lies keep coming or there is trickle truth or constant crazy making contradictions. And just when you think you're finally coming to terms with all the **** something else comes to light which feesl like it will overwhelm you. Wish I knew what to do about all this but it helps when we know we are not alone with this type of pain. Just gotta go through it and keep in mind that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger - eventually! 

_Thinking about it now, maybe the same goes for dealing with the obsessing as goes for the triggering (again, e.g. mantra/music/move) - instead of fighting it, know it's going to happen and decide in advance what you will do to try to get through it. Like take back some control over it, and limit it somewhat when it happens, instead of letting it completely control you. Yeah, easier said than done but what's to lose in giving it a go and hopefully over time it'll be that bit easier._


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## Loveontherocks (Oct 17, 2016)

Hi OP,
Sorry to hear you're going through this. I can relate to your post, I too wanted answers and would imagine all sorts in my head, I wanted to know every little detail even though I knew the truth would kill me.

Trickle truth is awful as it just prolongs the suffering, you're best making sure he gives you all the answers you need so you can decide if you want to stay married to him.

I wasn't given the full extent of my H infidelity until years after and it was so much worse knowing I'd been strung along on a lie and mislead, don't let that happen to you. 

If you are going over things again and again and obsessing over the little things then you need to know what those little things are to see if knowing them puts your mind at ease. Your H has to be fully cooperative and understanding throughout this and if he even hesitates for a second you could be heading for a false reconciliation. So make sure he gives you the honesty you deserve and the ball should always be in your court from here on in. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Why98

First things first, I advise not to make a decision for six months from d-day. To divorce or reconcile is a huge decision. Your emotions are running rampant, you have now boarded the roller coaster and it's a brutal ride. You will go from happy to sad in an instant, your thoughts will be racing. His infidelity will be on your mind almost constantly. As soon as you wake up make a check mark for each time the affair comes to mind. Do this until you go to sleep, the the following day give it to your husband. Tell him what it is, tell him you need honesty, tell him that trickle truth only destroys the marriage slowly. Obviously this is going to be hard, but if you need to know, as I did, you will have to put up a brave front to get through the details. 

Go to individual counseling, begin to heal yourself. Don't be concerned about his healing, that's on him for the time being. Next understand you are only responsible for your half of the marriage. Meaning the marriage is 50/50 the fault of you both. The affair is his 100%. 

At this time it's the best I can offer you, you are already overwhelmed and adding more would be wrong. Just so you know my d-day was 1/20/2014, a few more weeks and it will be three years. The date is significant to me, bug so far my anxiety has been held at bay. It will take time to heal along with therapy.


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## why98 (Dec 8, 2016)

Oh I agree he is a real pig for having the affair but I dont beleive he did actually say those nasty things about me. Not because I take his word for it because his word is absolutely useless to me but because logically it doesnt make sense. He hated his ex wife (no he did not cheat on her) and he never once said anything nasty about her during the years we were together and she stopped him seeing his kids and we had to go to court to get access again. 

He does seem to be remorseful for his actions and he definately is trying to get our relationship back (no more trickle truth, 100% transparency) but I dont know if that is enough. I have only said for now I would attempt to reconcile but promised nothing.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> Trouble is i want to know the details but I cant handle the details. I went fishing for more details Wed night and after I got them went spiralling downwards again


Be very discerning about getting details. Get all the details you b need to decide if you are going to continue to R or make plans to D. However, I would NOT be asking for the gory raunchy details about the sex. Also do not ask about any details that will give you nightmares for decades.

I just ask for the details of, did you betray me, because that is the main issue. I was not going to ask anything that would tempt me to feel that I do not measure up in any way. The betrayer is the one that has proven that he/she is a weak and with low integrity not the BS.

I know you will be tempted to hear all the gory details but that is like the moth drawn to the flame. Do what will benefit you in the long run not fall to the temptation to know unnecessary gory details that will haunt you for your whole life? I know you want to know all the details because you think that will help you understand and be able to fix things.

* Here is the bottom line:
Get just the details you need to decide on R or D
If you R then what you want to know will be revealed in the years by his ACTIONS and not his words.

If you D then you do not need to know any details that will temp to you to think that you are inadequate*


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

@Affaircare once here said that trying to "understand" an affair is like putting a giant jig-saw puzzle together with half the pieces missing. 

Only if you are serious about R....

One thing I regret was not having my WW put together a written Time-Line. Dates, Times, Places. With a time line you can then pursue the details surrounding each "event". Like an idiot my questions just bounced around and repeated over and over... Hence I was continuously met with "I can't remember", "If you say so" responses. 

BTW, if you do decide to R, there is an expiration date on interrogations... thus sooner than later.


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