# How to regain my fiancée's trust after this?



## Nickolas James (Jul 31, 2016)

Last week I went out with some friends and they decided to go to a strip club. When we were there they pressured me into getting a lap dance.

The issue is my fiancée and I talked in the beginning of the relationship about what was okay and what it was NOT okay for us to do.

We BOTH asked each other not to go to strip clubs and specially NOT to get lap dances. She kept her part of the deal and I ended up betraying her trust.

I know she kept her part of the deal because once she went to a birthday party of a female friend and they had a stripper for her, and despite trying a lot, the guy did not manage convince her to participate. I know about that because she took my sister with her as a sign of good faith that she would not break her promise.

I should not have given in to peer pressure. Let me make it clear that my fiancée is NOT controlling in any way and I also asked her not to do some things I consider bad for our relationship and she always keeps her promises.

I feel like an a** hole for not returning the favor. She said she appreciates that I was at least honest about it but she said she is upset and feels cheated and needs some time to cool off a bit.

She says she does not mind my visit to the strip club, but she expected that at least I would not break the no lap dance part of deal. She says that despite not thinking a lap dance is cheating per se, it is an intimate and sensual thing; to have another woman rub her breasts on me and grind against my crotch.

I feel bad because I am with her to treat her nicely and be a good man to her and I fee like I let her down. I don't want her to think I cannot be trusted in the future.

She had boyfriends like that before. You know, that kind of guy who says one thing when he is front of her and does the entire opposite when she's not around. I don't want her to think I am like that.

How can I make it up to her, other then (obviously) not making the same mistake again.


PS When she said she feels cheated, what she meant is that she feels like I fooled her NOT she feels like I cheated on her.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Regain her trust?

I think the first question is....are you actually trustworthy? 

I don't say that just to bash you, but think for a minute. You had an agreement NOT to do what you just did. So how did this happen? Presumably, when you made the agreement to refrain from strip clubs, you fully intended to, and believed, that you would be true to your word. (If not, then you were intentionally lying, and therefore NOT trustworthy at all).

So, if you had intended to keep your word, why didn't you? Because you were weak to your own desires and/or urgings of your friends? Because you were too selfish to think of her?

I think you need to find out WHY you betrayed your promise. And "peer pressure" doesn't cut it, because if your friends "pressured" you to do something you didn't want to do, I doubt you would. (For example, what if they pressured you to get a lap dance from a MALE stripper? Would you?). You wanted to do it on some level, and were unable to keep your promise.

Harsh as it sounds, you need to address your defects HONESTLY. You need to elminate those flaws. Then, MAYBE if she feels you have successfully tackled that, she will believe you are trustworthy. And it's her call as to whether you ever become trustworthy, not yours.


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## rileyawes (Jun 28, 2016)

I agree that you did the right thing by telling her. I think you should apologize profusely, make amends, and tell her why and how you'll never do it again. You know you violated her trust, you broke an agreement you made with her, you respect the fact that she has always kept her word, and you will strive to do the same in the future. Take her out to some activity that she wants, do something very nice out of the ordinary. Maybe stay home the next few times your friends go out to show your devotion. Lastly, I'd say that you shouldn't even go into a strip club. That way there's no chance of the temptation and peer pressure to get a lap dance. If your friends go to strip clubs often, I'd say skip the next several times as a sign of good faith. After all, she's said your presence there doesn't bother her, just getting you having lap dances does. She's being extremely understanding (I wouldn't tolerate attendance at a strip club) and is willing to compromise. So respect that. If you push her boundaries and violate her trust, she'll be much less likely to compromise in the future.

The fact that you feel bad about it is good. Turn that into positive action and make sure you don't do the same thing again. Good luck!


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Maybe reevaluate your agreement.

I went to strip clubs many many times when I travelled for work. I told my W before and called after.

I sat at the stage and put dollar bills in the girls g strings and smiled and showed appreciation and the girls were grateful - once one came down and hugged me - I was shocked until I saw it from their perspectives. They liked the positive, non-creepy attention and encouragement for a change.

I learned to sit there to avoid lap dances. I told the girls it was to up close and personal for me - I felt the way you and your W do. They respected that because I showed respect for them.

My W never made any demands and I never asked. We trusted each other.

What's my point? It's just that I think you are still on the same page with your W. You caved in and indulged. You feel terrible. You confessed.

Personally I don't think this is the kind of explicit promise that should be made in a marriage for the reason you are here. Stuff happens. If you create explicit boundaries like that - you both feel it's ok to go to the strip club... But you realize that puts you in temptation. So I think the idea to avoid a lap dance should be YOUR boundary-not hers. If you break it and feel bad, then you own it, admit it and talk about it.

Was it really a big issue? If so, tell her why. If it wasn't as bad as you imagined - as in it was just laughing and having fun and there wasn't a big risk of a real sexual boundary being crossed say that too. Everyone feels differently here so confess what you feel. 

For me there has always been 0% chance of me cheating so it wasn't really an issue. But I always looked around, and I saw many guys who clearly would have gone down a bad path given the chance. That's what I mean. Talk to her about what YOU experienced and how you feel and ask how she feels in response.

Sorry - I don't think I really conveyed what I was trying to very well... But communication is really the key - including listening and getting both your feelings on this out.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Nickolas James said:


> Last week I went out with some friends and they decided to go to a strip club. When we were there they pressured me into getting a lap dance.



This isn't so much about a strip club. This was about your inability to keep your commitment. Do not allow yourself to blame shift your weakness on to others. Accepting your sole responsibility is a sign of maturity. These are experiences that will lead you to grow into a whole mature man, not swayed by others. 

Your fiance sounds like she won't hold this against you as long as you learn from this. Good for her and good for you for wanting to prove yourself better than this episode. Let me leave you a link and a quote that may answer your question. 

Hold on to Your NUTs: The Relationship Manual for Men

"No one is ready for marriage. Marriage makes you ready for marriage." Dr. David Schnarch


Best


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

You have a bit of a road ahead of you.

Trust is hard to rebuild once it is broken. That comfort you feel with her because you feel sure you can trust her, is a beautiful thing in a relationship. Once it's broken, it's difficult to get it back, and rare that it is ever as strong as it was. She doesn't have that great feeling for you anymore. 

That being said, you can get through this, if she is willing to take you back. My advice, never betray her again. A broken bone can be reset, and it can heal over time but it is never the same. Multiple breaks weaken it severely. 

Be strong enough to stand up to your friends, and if you aren't, time to get new friends that don't take you to things like strip clubs.


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## Nickolas James (Jul 31, 2016)

*"Presumably, when you made the agreement to refrain from strip clubs, you fully intended to, and believed, that you would be true to your word. (If not, then you were intentionally lying, and therefore NOT trustworthy at all). 

I think you need to find out WHY you betrayed your promise. And "peer pressure" doesn't cut it, because if your friends "pressured" you to do something you didn't want to do, I doubt you would. (For example, what if they pressured you to get a lap dance from a MALE stripper? Would you?). You wanted to do it on some level, and were unable to keep your promise."
*
*@Wolfman1968: *_Yes when I made the agreement I fully intented to honor my word. Specially because strip clubs are not really my thing. Before this occasion I only went to a strip club twice in my life. The first time it was just out of curiosity when I was 21 and the second when my friend wanted to got for his birthday. Neither one of those times I got lap dances, I only watched.

You are right, peer pressure is no excuse, I only mentioned it because it was part of the whole situation. It was very imature of me to behave the way I did and I feel like s*** because not only I let her down but I also let myself down. _

*"I agree that you did the right thing by telling her. I think you should apologize profusely, make amends, and tell her why and how you'll never do it again. You know you violated her trust, you broke an agreement you made with her, you respect the fact that she has always kept her word, and you will strive to do the same in the future.

Lastly, I'd say that you shouldn't even go into a strip club. That way there's no chance of the temptation and peer pressure to get a lap dance. If your friends go to strip clubs often, I'd say skip the next several times as a sign of good faith. After all, she's said your presence there doesn't bother her, just getting you having lap dances does. She's being extremely understanding (I wouldn't tolerate attendance at a strip club) and is willing to compromise."

**@rileyawes:* _Yes being honest about it was the right thing to do. I had already done something wrong and keeping it to myself would make things even worse. I have expressed to her how sorry I am and how I completely understand why she's hurt and also angry. There's no chance I'll do something like that again. I have offered to be there for her in order to help her deal with what she's feeling right now. She said she's thankful for that, but prefers to have some space at the moment, so I am respecting that. 

About the strip clubs, I also agree that I should not go anymore and I told her that. As you pointed out, she is being very understanding, and says that what hurts her in the lap dance part. She says that despite it not being something she considers cheating, it is a very intimate form of interaction, something she believes should stay between the two of us. And I agree, it's not like I had sex with someone else, but I did interact in a sensual/sexual manner with someone else. I should also point out that it was just your average lap dance, no bjs or hjs or anything like that. _



*"Maybe reevaluate your agreement.

I learned to sit there to avoid lap dances. I told the girls it was to up close and personal for me - I felt the way you and your W do. They respected that because I showed respect for them.

What's my point? It's just that I think you are still on the same page with your W. You caved in and indulged. You feel terrible. You confessed.

Was it really a big issue? If so, tell her why. If it wasn't as bad as you imagined - as in it was just laughing and having fun and there wasn't a big risk of a real sexual boundary being crossed say that too. Everyone feels differently here so confess what you feel.

For me there has always been 0% chance of me cheating so it wasn't really an issue. But I always looked around, and I saw many guys who clearly would have gone down a bad path given the chance. That's what I mean. Talk to her about what YOU experienced and how you feel and ask how she feels in response."
*
*@TheTruthHurts:* _I don't really feel the need to reevaluate the agreement. Because I understand her point of view as to why lap dances for her are not okay, specially since I feel the same way about her getting a lap dance.

The issue she has with lap dances has nothing to do any with the fear of me crossing the line and having sex with the stripper. It's because for her the idea of another woman rubbing her naked breasts on me and grinding against my crotch, is too much for her. She says that just because sex won't happen it does not change the fact that a very sexual contact has already happened. A sexual contact which for her should take place between us only. And I see what she means. I know that from a man's point of view that is nothing, but I have to keep in mind that it's not just my point of view that should count within the relationship. After all I'd like for her to do the same for me too, instead of just deciding that if something is harmless in her eyes than she'll just go ahead and do it, regardless of how I feel about it.

For me there's was also 0% chance of cheating, as in having sex with the stripper or bjs and hjs, but at the same time I (we men in general really) have to confess that a stripper grinding our crotches will makes us feel something in a sexual manner, just as it would happen to women if a male stripper gave them the equivalent of a lap dance. And someone else rubbing our genitals, even if it's through our clothes, is not that harmless if our SOs don't feel that way, is it?!
_


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Don't kick yourself to hard. 

When we know better we do better. 

Best.


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## Nickolas James (Jul 31, 2016)

anchorwatch said:


> Don't kick yourself to hard.
> 
> When we know better we do better.
> 
> Best.


Thank you mate.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

She will be reassessing your ability to honor marriage vows while she is cooling off. Bet on it. You sound sincere about no more lap dances. It's all the other commitments in a marriage that will have her wondering if you are up to the task. Hope you work it out.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I too agree that you did the right thing by telling your fiance, that has to count for something in her eyes.

I also understand when you say neither you nor your fiance are controlling - I feel the same way about strip clubs as your fiance. I wouldn't want my husband going to one and would lose it if he got a lap dance. That's so many levels of inappropriate for a married man (or woman) to do.

You'll be able to regain your fiance's trust but it will take time, and she needs to know that you really *get* it. How much you hurt her by doing that. You need to own your stuff up 100% (no peer pressure bs) and make it clear that you get how badly you stuffed up, how much you hurt her and why she feels so betrayed.


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