# Scared to leave...



## DandiKitKat (Feb 3, 2011)

Ill make a long story short - 

Im in my mid 20s, my husband & I have been together 5 years, married 2.

When we first met, we made tons of plans & dreams together - buying a house, having a farm, travelling the world, hiking, etc...

Now, he isn't interested in any of that. He doesn't even have a job, just grows marijuana and says he'll "never get a job again", even though we are broke constantly (I mean like going to the food bank broke). I always try to get him to get a job with me, but he won't do it. I'll gladly work, but I'm not going to be the only one and support him while he sits around and grows pot & gets drunk. 

Yesterday was our 2 year wedding anniversary. He didn't do anything for our anniversary last year (or any of our anniversaries EVER) so I said this year it's his turn to do something. I hinted at him a week before our anniversary and a couple days before. I said I'd just like to go on a hike or something nice. He doesn't do a thing. Not even "happy anniversary". The later we get into an argument about it and he finally admits "I realize it's because I don't give a F*** about anniversaries or holidays". Wow. He knows they're important to me. If he cared about my feelings, wouldn't he pick me a daisy or something? No, nothing. 

I could make a long list of complaints including how unmodivated he is, how indifferent he is towards everything, how he'd rather be getting drunk & high than doing most things, but then I'll just sound like the whiny wife.

I just want to do so much more in my life and share my love instead of only giving it. I want to leave but I am scared. And I'm so damn nice that I am still worrying about his feelings, even though he doesn't care about mine. 

I'm going to get a job & save up enough money to split. I'm afraid I won't have the guts to do it when the time comes, but I've got the guts now and not a penny to my name.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

DandiKitKat said:


> Now, he isn't interested in any of that. He doesn't even have a job, just grows marijuana and says he'll "never get a job again", even though we are broke constantly (I mean like going to the food bank broke). I always try to get him to get a job with me, but he won't do it. I'll gladly work, but I'm not going to be the only one and support him while he sits around and grows pot & gets drunk.


His lack of motivation comes from smoking pot. It also sounds like he has a problem with drinking. The two could add up to addiction. Addicts narrow their focus to their DOC ("drug of choice"). Anything outside of that is nada.

Do you have any close friends or family members who could help you move out your stuff and let you crash with them while you look for a job?

I was married to an alcoholic, and I can tell you it doesn't get better, it only gets worse. And from what you're posting here, it sounds like you are getting the "worse" right now.

I think you DO have the guts to walk away from this situation. Just a suggestion, but you might want to try out an Al-Anon meeting. The people in those rooms have a lot of experience living with addicts and they can give you support and understanding. It was my life-line when the alcoholic in my life lost his job and spent 24/7 with a bottle of booze tipped up to his mouth ... Just a suggestion that can make it more tolerable until you get out.

And seriously consider getting out sooner rather than later, even if it means spending a few nights on someone's couch.


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## DandiKitKat (Feb 3, 2011)

Thanks for the support 

Yes, pot & whisky are his #1 in life. 

I do have an escape plan that involves staying with a friend.

I am just really scared that I'm not making the right choice. I love him very much, and we get along like bread & butter most of the time. It's just that he can't show me any attention or compassion like I do for him. He also lacks motivation in life and any encouragement for me to do anything with mine. 

I'm afraid that everything is just going to get worse from her on out & I'll end up regretting staying with him & doing nothing with my life. 

I've tried to get him to quit smoking & drinking numerous times & he acts like it's a joke. He said he wouldn't even quit if we had kids. 

What do you think? Is true love worth keeping if I'm sacrificing so much for it?


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## lovegreen (Mar 3, 2011)

Was he like that when you married him??? If yes, ahh yes leave...why did you marry him?
If he has decide he is comfortable with his life as is, and you are not able to live that way,,move on...dont wait ,hoping for a change...Wish I would have left when I 1st startin having doubts...


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

DandiKitKat said:


> Yes, pot & whisky are his #1 in life.


That being the case, you do realize you will always run a distant second, don't you? If we could love our addicts out of their addictions, there would be no need for AA and other programs of recovery. 



DandiKitKat said:


> I am just really scared that I'm not making the right choice. I love him very much, and we get along like bread & butter most of the time. It's just that he can't show me any attention or compassion like I do for him. I've tried to get him to quit smoking & drinking numerous times & he acts like it's a joke. He said he wouldn't even quit if we had kids.


I always say that addiction is an equal-opportunity destroyer. Being like "bread and butter" most of the time does not negate the fact that you would have children who would grow up in a home with an addict. Addiction is an equal-opportunity destroyer; it takes down everyone in its path - children included. Love isn't enough, unfortunately. I've been in your shoes, and I could not love the addict in my life enough to get him to stop or to make him realize I truly loved him.

Oftentimes, we love the potential we see in our partner, rather than the reality of the situation as it is right now. You love a man who doesn't meet your needs for attention or compassion. That's a biggie. Your fear of leaving is YOUR fear. You own it. There are plenty of men in this world who are compassionate to their mates. You don't happen to have one of them. 



DandiKitKat said:


> Is true love worth keeping if I'm sacrificing so much for it?


In this case, unfortunately, no. I underststand your pain, and your hesitancy to leave. But he has made his choice, and he has made it clear to you that he has no intention of changing. The change will have to come from you. It is true love for you, but for him? I don't think so. He's doing what addicts do, and that is putting his addiction ahead of everyone and everything else.


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## Very Sad (Mar 31, 2013)

Sounds like my husband (means nothing to him). But mine works (a lot). I don't understand why men can't see what's important to us should be respected. It's not all about them and what they want anymore. It's a partnership with equal respect. I'd move on (mostly because he refuses to work, but also because if he gets busted for growing you'll be in trouble too.


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