# As a newly betrayed spouse, what shouldnt i do



## LOSTfan (Jun 12, 2012)

I feel like anything I do will be a mistake. If I cry in front of her, I'm not a man. If I don't cry, I'm not sensitive. If I try and help the ws, I'm not allowing her the chance to prove she's trying.if I don't help, then I feel nothing will change. If I trust her, she'll do it again.if I do to much to verify,ill push her away. I've read no more mr nice guy. I was learning alot, but dday changed everything. I'm taking everything so personally now.
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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

LOSTfan,
You were betrayed and your feelings/thoughts are appropriate for your circumstances. Give it time. It did wonders for me. I would also recommend to take time to do things for yourself. Like read, new hobbies, exercise, education, a new TV show and etc. It will take your mind off it. Have faith because someday you'll look back and see the growth you achieved through all this.


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## LOSTfan (Jun 12, 2012)

I hear ya. I remember like 5 years ago, I was cheated on by my gf. We were together for 3 years, and I thought it was the end of the world. I ended up completing an archeological dig, lost 20 pounds, and yet became obsessed with her for a couple more months. But it was different. When I found out (after being told numerous times I was crazy, psycho, etc..) I wanted nothing to do with her. She disgusted me in every way.

With my ww, the circumstances may have similarities ( and I have to look at myself for that one), but one huge difference was my reaction. I thought of divorcing my ww for about 1 second. Yet this one hurt more than anything. Isntead of having the energy to be pissed. My energy went to vomitting, and crying, and shaking uncontrollably. Despite what was initially said to her, I knew id take her back if she wanted to try. That doesn't mean id take her back without the proper effort, but I want it to work

Now it feels like, yea she says she wants more than anything to get me back, but I feel like she may think the job is done and that's why I look at her effort as minimal at best. I am starting to resent her because I feel like she isn't perfectly taking steps to show remorse and effort in steps to repair our marriage. I've tried to explain this to her and it went back and forth a few times. Eventually she said she HAD to get to sleep (230am with work the next morn). But she said this, and she never was thir straight forward. She said she will prove how she will show me that she wants us. And she will do everything to prove she's remorseful, including things that just don't jive with her personality. It was like a , boy oy boy, are you in for some happiness tomorrow. It'll be worth it.

I guess well see...
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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

That, and she still is in the affair.

I don't think it's good time to open yourself up emotionally to her again. That's just setting yourself up for more pain.

If you feel a need to cry, do it in a bathroom. Do not show her how hurt you are, it just gives her more control over you.


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## LOSTfan (Jun 12, 2012)

She's seen some left over teary eyes. One time in the car, I teared up, and she put her hand on my leg, kissed me and rested her head on my shoulder... but other than that, I haven't let her see my tears.

What do you mean by she's in the affair still?
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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Thought you found a burner phone?


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

LostFan,

You are crazy if ou do not go up to the posom and tell him to stay away from your wife.

Also tell him you saw an attorney and if he does not stop you will take the burner phone and text messages to HR via your attorney.

Ask him how east will it be to find a new job with 22% unemployment.

Do not make a scene but get in his face while he is working. Do not tell your wife.

Let's see if he posom goes crying to her.

And if your wife *****es to you let her know this is all her fault.

You are just cleaning up her mess.

Get tough. Screw the tears. Get pissed off at the right people.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You need a VAR or several. 

It's not that you do not trust your wife, but if the POSOM is coming after her, you want to help her resist the temptation, right?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

You had caught the beginnings of the affair, but she swore it was just talk. She promised to stop. You thought it did stop, but then you found a burner phone. She admitted she took it underground. It wouldn't have stopped if you didn't catch her. Then she told you she kissed him once. Then she told you she had sex with him once. She blamed you for the affair. She said she'd write a no contact letter but didn't do it yet. 

Trickle truth. Only 2 days out from D-day #2. Only one day back on the job and she caught you watching her, so she probably knew better than to talk to other man. You caught her once before and she promised to stop, but she didn't.

She seems like she's putting forth minimal effort to help you get over the affair.

Your wife is, at best, still in the fog, thinking about the other man, missing his texts and sexts; at worst, planning to still carry on the affair.

Cheaters are liars. Don't believe her words unless they are supported by actions. Some cheating spouses, when they get caught, are crying, sobbing, snot-blowing, blubbering messes begging not to be divorced. Your wife, when caught, blamed you and told you to have an affair of your own or else you would hold it over her for the rest of your marriage.

Insist on her handwriting the no contact letter. Insist on her writing out a timeline of the affair. Insist on a polygraph. You need the truth in order to make a decision whether or not to divorce. Insist that she start looking for another job. Did she start looking yet?


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> Some cheating spouses, when they get caught, are crying, sobbing, snot-blowing, blubbering messes begging not to be divorced.


My husband did this and he STILL recontacted his AP after just a few weeks. I never verified whether or not he was in contact; it never occurred to me.

Cheating just isn't something people snap out of. Think how they had to violate their vows and risk your anger and hurt to do what they did. If your anger and hurt were ENOUGH, they would never have done it in the first place.
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## NewM (Apr 11, 2012)

Her reason for cheating was that you were jealous and there was nothing going so she decided to make something going on.
You will probably be even more jealous now,is she gonna make something going on again because you are jealous?
And since your spying thing failed I don't think you will be at ease until you see her not wanting to do anything with OM.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

As a newly BS, you SHOULD do one thing, though:

Go through the links below Almost Recovered's signature.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

LOSTfan said:


> I feel like anything I do will be a mistake. If I cry in front of her, I'm not a man.


That's correct. Very bad to cry. Not manly. I made that mistake a long time ago. Once. Figured it out real fast.



LOSTfan said:


> If I don't cry, I'm not sensitive.


Correct. "Sensitive" is not an attractive trait. Be Stoic. Like a man.



LOSTfan said:


> If I try and help the ws, I'm not allowing her the chance to prove she's trying.


Exactly. She needs to step up, recommit, and prove it.



LOSTfan said:


> if I don't help, then I feel nothing will change.


Unfortunately, only she can change it. The problem is with her, you can't fix it. Only she can. Get out of the way and see what happens.



LOSTfan said:


> If I trust her, she'll do it again.


You don't even know if they really stopped and you bungled your surveillance and blew your own cover. You can trust her after she's been straight for a few years. Until then, she doesn't get trust. She's proven she doesn't deserve it.




LOSTfan said:


> if I do to much to verify,ill push her away.


She's already away. Just get better at not getting caught. The internet is your friend. Just look at all the support you got here.




LOSTfan said:


> I've read no more mr nice guy. I was learning alot, but dday changed everything. I'm taking everything so personally now.


Read it again.

Your wife is not attracted to you. She's been working her way into that frame of mind for a long time. Women take their attraction cues from other women, so since she has firstly beta-ized and secondly cuckolded you, after you specifically warned her off, she doesn't feel like you have any options as far as other women go. She seems to be correct, based on what you're sharing with us. 

Do other women hit on you? If not, why not? You really need to up your alpha game and getting caught running surveillance did not help you one bit. However, you've still got to do it. Or just kick her to the curb, since that is max alpha. If she thinks you're capable of that and she gets the idea you might become attractive to other women, it may change her perceptions of you. A simple rule, move away and they will draw closer.

What's your workout program?


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## LOSTfan (Jun 12, 2012)

But that's the thing. I get hit on all the time. I just turn them down. As for her being attracted to what others around her are, yea. She said all the women thought he was the most attractive man there. I wrote her a letter today with my list of things I won't tolerate if she wants to earn back her marriage. Should I nix giving her this? Not manly ?
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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Laying down the law is manly, but you have to be willing to enforce the law after you lay it down. KWIM? Penalties must be followed through with. Even if it hurts the lawgiver.

What are your terms and conditions?


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

LOSTfan said:


> But that's the thing. I get hit on all the time. I just turn them down.


Start smiling and flirting and eyeing back. Especially in the presence of your wife. Don't be gauche, don't drool, just be charming, but cool. Lets your wife know other women are interested and they're lined up outside of your bedroom waiting on her to move out of the house. Notice I'm saying to suavely acknowledge the hits and the women who delivered them, not copulate with them.



LOSTfan said:


> As for her being attracted to what others around her are, yea. She said all the women thought he was the most attractive man there.


Well, that proves your wife is a woman for sure.


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## LOSTfan (Jun 12, 2012)

I like the idea of suavely acknowledging the flirts and doing that around my wife. Its Time she be reminded that I'm just as wanted as the om, and certainly as wanted as she is
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