# My husband fantasizes about me having sex with other men not sure what to do about it



## Jewel_brown37130 (Apr 23, 2013)

We have been married since 1994 and were together for 3 or 4 years prior. He is in the navy and I cheated on him several times when we first got married he only found out about 2 but it was at least 6 other men durning times when he was gone. later it happened again and he found out. so you can imagine it has been pretty hard. of course i was young and had all the excuse in the world why i did what i did what i did at the time. we sparated in 1999 and got back together in 2004 when this happened he started thinking of ways to sexual please me like wanting to use differ dildos while he ate my P****y. "I enjoyed this very much by the way. I told him about most of my indescretions and the guys i was with while we were separated and that i wasn't interested in that life anymore. he didn't get upset or anything he just listen calmly. after a year or so he started suggesting that we swing (have threesome ect..) i had no interest in it at the time so he let it go. he want to bring another woman into the situation. i wasn't really interested in that since I had done it before without his knowledge and said no and my argument was that he wouldn't want to bring another man into the mix i thought that would be the end of it. so after a year of talking about it we went to a swingers club and we went home with a couple and ther was another couple with us so it was three couples all together he had sex with both of the women and i had sex with one of the men and one of the women. "the other guy was older and didn't participate. I enjoyed itvery much but i didn't want to do it again becuase i felt a litttle jealouse seeing him with the other women, but he didn't seem bothered at all see me with the guy. he's asked me alot about doing it again but I just say "no" and walk away from the converstion. I realy dont know why because deep down I want to.
we've been in marrage counseling for communication and of course the infidelity. but one day he sat me down and explain to me what was going through his mind.and basically he fantasized about me having sex with other men in front of him and it was because of what i did that caused him to feel that way and that it's a constant thing . He's a very loving father and not a weak man in any sense of the word, but have hard time figuring this out. he's says that it made him feal a bit insecure at first but after that night with the couples and seeing me with other guy it was clear to him what his problem was. He sees it as his problem because i tell him i dont want to do it anymore and that it's always on his mind it took him a lot to tell me this and could tell because he was extremely anxious
to the point he was almost trembling because he was so embarrassed to tell me that. this isn't like him at all. it wasn't a request it seemed like he just bore out his feelings. i know what i did in th past was wrong but could it really have and effect like this and what can i do about it. I think he at the point that he wants to leave because of it He dosn't seem to like that he shared that with me and neither of us have talked about it since we had the conversation. I am not opposed to the idea but I not sure what to say either.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Jewel_brown37130 said:


> i know what i did in th past was wrong but could it really have and effect like this and what can i do about it. I think he at the point that he wants to leave because of it He dosn't seem to like that he shared that with me and neither of us have talked about it since we had the conversation. I am not opposed to the idea but I not sure what to say either.


Most people at TAM are adamantly against swinging so they will tell you to focus on healing and each other, and forget about partners outside the marriage. 

I'm a bit more open-minded. Sounds like your infidelity issues were years ago, and if you both have moved on, then it's time to get on with your lives. You say you enjoyed what happened. If you want to include swinging, then include it - CAUTIOUSLY. 

His fantasy to see you with another man is a pretty common one. I don't think it's because of your past infidelity. I have had similar fantasies, and I have no information that my wife ever cheated on me.

I think you are overanalyzing this and looking for problems where there may be none. If he says he's OK with it, then listen to him. If you want to swing, then swing. But make certain you both set boundaries and everything remains above board. That includes him knowing everything that is going on.


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## The Seahorse Guy (Apr 17, 2013)

Again I agree with Theseus. Wow....you must be one pretty smart guy Theseus.

Anyway *Jewel *this seems to be a pretty common fantasy/reality for some people. I don't really get it but as they say..."whatever floats your boat." (Damn!...no emoticon for that)

I say "do it" if that's what he really wants. Let him be in control of the situation that way he can call a stop anytime he feels uncomfortable.......so long as you're ok with the whole thing of course.

 Have a safety word like marsupial or ornithorhynchus (that's a platypus.....a monotreme not strictly a marsupial) or even "Crikey!" 

Maybe not "Crikey" 'cause it could be "Crikey" in a good way....like as in "Crikey!, How is *that *gonna fit *there*?" ....if you know what I mean. :rofl:

(RIP Steve Irwin)


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Jewel_brown37130 said:


> i know what i did in th past was wrong but could it really have and effect like this and what can i do about it.


Yes. Emotional trauma, like the knowledge that your wife has betrayed you with multiple men and women, can have far reaching effects. For most people, they lose all attraction to their wives and seek out a more loyal woman. But, for some men, they can develop a fetish for what traumatized them. It's kind of like how some victims of child molestation grow up to become child molesters.

As for what you can do about it, you can either indulge him by screwing other men in front of him (and letting him have his fun in front of you), or you can stop screwing other men altogether and recommit to a monogamous marriage.

Good luck.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

If its truly something you want to do, go for it, because you will anyway if its what you really want to do. If you are not sure or having doubts, then don't.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Your husband may be in the, "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em" mindset. Like one poster said above, it is likely very much about controlling the situation. He knows you have the ability to cheat on him so in his mind he is making a compromise. He's thinking, well, if she wants to be with other men other than me than I might as well be there while it happens. I can CONTROL what does and does not happen and she'll come back home with me. 

But you know, on the other side, he may have realized that he really enjoys seeing you with other men/women. And he's getting something out of it too by being with another person too. 

You are wishy-washy about doing it again because you are jealous seeing him with other women but at the same time you are excited about being with other men. You get a reward but there is an emotional price to pay. 

I will admit to fantazising about my guy being with another woman while I'm with the other woman's husband/partner but that is where it stops for me. I know myself well enough to know that the emotional price I would pay would outweigh the physical enjoyment.

My advice to you is to get your relationship back on track emotionally and physically. You both need to be 100% secure and happy with each other as individuals before you can think about adding others into the mix. All these extra people entering your bedroom are only acting as a bandaid to a gaping whole; which is your marriage stability.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

He may really be into wanting this to happen, or it could like a set up. Maybe he is throwing this idea out there to see if you will take the bait, kinda like a test, then when you seem interested or something actually takes place, then he may tell you he figured you would do this, and then hand you divorce papers. I'm not saying that will happen and that these are his intentions but you never know. Just because he may not have when other things happened in the marriage doesn't mean he might not get to that point this time.


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## Jewel_brown37130 (Apr 23, 2013)

CallaLily said:


> He may really be into wanting this to happen, or it could like a set up. Maybe he is throwing this idea out there to see if you will take the bait, kinda like a test, then when you seem interested or something actually takes place, then he may tell you he figured you would do this, and then hand you divorce papers. I'm not saying that will happen and that these are his intentions but you never know. Just because he may not have when other things happened in the marriage doesn't mean he might not get to that point this time.



I dont think it's a setup or anything like that because we did it before in 2009 I enjoyed it but I just felt wierd with him being there. I don't know how to talk about it with him. I don't think im as forth comming as he is. if it was my idea i'd probly never say anything about it and just keep going behind his back


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## Jewel_brown37130 (Apr 23, 2013)

Theseus said:


> Most people at TAM are adamantly against swinging so they will tell you to focus on healing and each other, and forget about partners outside the marriage.
> 
> I'm a bit more open-minded. Sounds like your infidelity issues were years ago, and if you both have moved on, then it's time to get on with your lives. You say you enjoyed what happened. If you want to include swinging, then include it - CAUTIOUSLY.
> 
> ...


I may be over thinking it I feel like i want to say yes but at the same time I'm not sure how. when he told me it was like he was confessing to murder and felt guilty about it. and I'm not sure how to make him feel ok. I'm not as openly open-minded as he is.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Theseus said:


> His fantasy to see you with another man is a pretty common one. I don't think it's because of your past infidelity.


I disagree

A year post infidelity, my sexual fantasies also changed to include MMF scenarios and the like, we also damn near went down the swinging path but thankfully never went through with it.

When I posted about that change over a year ago, I received close to 10 PMs stating that while they didn't have the courage to admit it, they also had a similar change in their sexual proclivities. I think it's more common that most of us wish to admit.

I also believe it is temporary so it would be extremely unwise to go through with it.


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## Jewel_brown37130 (Apr 23, 2013)

PHTlump said:


> Yes. Emotional trauma, like the knowledge that your wife has betrayed you with multiple men and women, can have far reaching effects. For most people, they lose all attraction to their wives and seek out a more loyal woman. But, for some men, they can develop a fetish for what traumatized them. It's kind of like how some victims of child molestation grow up to become child molesters.
> 
> As for what you can do about it, you can either indulge him by screwing other men in front of him (and letting him have his fun in front of you), or you can stop screwing other men altogether and recommit to a monogamous marriage.
> 
> Good luck.


To be honest I thought he was going to beat the crap out of me when when he first found out but he just left the house it was rough for a while before we split up but after a while we started seeing each other again of course he's bring up in arguments at first but he has not brought it up in a long long time. I almost wished he had gone out and been with other women to lessen the guilt but only almost


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## Jewel_brown37130 (Apr 23, 2013)

Theseus said:


> Most people at TAM are adamantly against swinging so they will tell you to focus on healing and each other, and forget about partners outside the marriage.
> 
> I'm a bit more open-minded. Sounds like your infidelity issues were years ago, and if you both have moved on, then it's time to get on with your lives. You say you enjoyed what happened. If you want to include swinging, then include it - CAUTIOUSLY.
> 
> ...


Cautiously How?


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Jewel_brown37130 said:


> Cautiously How?


Basically making sure that there are no long-term consequences of a short term fantasy fufillment. Some examples:

1. Only involve people you are both comfortable with, so there's no resentment building up

2. Avoid including co-workers, very close friends, or family members

3. Use birth control

4. Either use condoms or insist on joint medical exams so you know you are all STD free

That's just the big ones off the top of my head.


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## Jewel_brown37130 (Apr 23, 2013)

​


Theseus said:


> Basically making sure that there are no long-term consequences of a short term fantasy fufillment. Some examples:
> 
> 1. Only involve people you are both comfortable with, so there's no resentment building up
> 
> ...



Ok i dont know why I have such and issue with the whole thing those are all extremly simple things. Everything my husband does is well thought out and stick to the rules. he's talking stuff like safe word and bondaries and i don't have clue.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

I think there is a deeper problem and swinging is not the answer to it.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

If I wanted to be with other people I just wouldn't be married, period.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Jewel_brown37130 said:


> We have been married since 1994 and were together for 3 or 4 years prior. He is in the navy and I cheated on him several times when we first got married he only found out about 2 but it was at least 6 other men durning times when he was gone.
> 
> If I may ask, why have you never told him about these aother men?
> 
> ...


I think what it comes down to is that you are not a naturally monogamous person. I think you have tried to supress this tendency by acting the good wife because you love your husband. I believe you do love him. And from what you have described it does not sound like you had any emotional attachements to the affair partners you cheated with. 

Your huband, on the other hand, is, or was at one time, a very monogamous person. (Or at least you believe he was as you have not said if he has ever cheated). I agree with the others that the trauma you inflicted on him by your infidelities destroyed his sense of self and his sense of manhood. Instead of divorcing you, his psyche adjusted itself in such a way that would allow him to derive pleasure of thinking about you sleeping with other men instead of such ideas causing more trauma. His mind created a coping mechanism by fundementally altering his sexual triggers. Now where there was once a reaction of pain there is now a reaction of pleasure. 

What you have not adequately explained is why this turn of events causes you so much discomfort. I have to ask a tough question:

Is part of the pleasure you derive of sleeping around with other men the fact that you used to do it on the sly and behind your husband's back? Was the naughtiness and tabboo of it what turned you on? 

Again I'm not judging you. I do not think you are cruel or heartless. I just think you are being less than honest with yourself and that's why you cannot be comfortable with this new lifestyle your husband wants to engage in.


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## Jewel_brown37130 (Apr 23, 2013)

LostViking said:


> I think what it comes down to is that you are not a naturally monogamous person. I think you have tried to supress this tendency by acting the good wife because you love your husband. I believe you do love him. And from what you have described it does not sound like you had any emotional attachements to the affair partners you cheated with.
> 
> Your huband, on the other hand, is, or was at one time, a very monogamous person. (Or at least you believe he was as you have not said if he has ever cheated). I agree with the others that the trauma you inflicted on him by your infidelities destroyed his sense of self and his sense of manhood. Instead of divorcing you, his psyche adjusted itself in such a way that would allow him to derive pleasure of thinking about you sleeping with other men instead of such ideas causing more trauma. His mind created a coping mechanism by fundementally altering his sexual triggers. Now where there was once a reaction of pain there is now a reaction of pleasure.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your reply.
I honeslty cant say why I didn't tell him I guess I didn't think he would find out so why make it worse i felt like i told him enough. for the most part he only knows what I told him. 
as far as why I decided to stop I really can't say I guess the same way i told myself it was ok was the same way I told myself is wasn't ok. Of course i had nothing but excuses why I did.
Now I keep telling myself it's not my fault and it's something wrong with him. He was seeing a counselor last year and it was the coulselor who made him realize why he was having these feelings and all she told him was that if it wasn't something that i wanted that divorce and and therapy for him is the only way he was going to get better this was last may so he kept it to hiself for almost a year before telling me and when he did I couldn't think of one think to say. what came out of my mouth was something negative I can't remember but i'm sure he does. we haven't talked about since then it's been almost a week and he's pretty much shut down. he's not mad or agitated he's just there like a ghost. he get up goes to works eats washes and goes to bed. he hasn't tried to have sex with me or said anthing about it.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

My theory is you extensive cheating left him very emotional scarred. You betrayed him many many times over. That eft his feeling betrayed and abandoned by you sexually and emotionally. His inclusion of the toys etc, was him trying to compete with the other men you had. Deep down he felt that if he has been a good enough lover that you would have loved him and woudnt have chosen so very many times to cheat on you.

Him having you have sex with other men reinforces this. It's him trying to provide you the sexual satisfaction he believes he cannot provide you. It's a compensation mechanism he using to keep you with him. He's convinced himself that if he lets you f*ck other men with his permission, that you will not have to cheat to be sexually satisfied. So he wants you to have sex with other men, do you won't be forced to cheat on him.

I suspect that when you refuse to do it with him, what he is hearing and fearing is that you are still doing it, but that you further have deemed him unworthy of even being included as an observer.

Which of course further fuels his desire to have you have sex because he wants you to stop the cheating he fears you must do in order to be sexual satisfied.


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## Jewel_brown37130 (Apr 23, 2013)

Will he get better if goes out and cheats himself?


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## magnus22001 (Apr 25, 2013)

Jewel_brown37130 said:


> Will he get better if goes out and cheats himself?


Maybe but is ti something you can like with and he's gonna have to cheat a lot to catch up with you.

So if you don't want to enter the lifestyle that he wants to and you guys have had counseling maybe it's time for the next step. because what he's going through isn't gonna magically go away. 
first you need to sit down like adult and communicate your feelings instead of just walking away from it like you said.
How long do you think you can avoid i?
And how long since your last affair and does he know about it?
it seems to me you want to have your C**k and eat it too.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Jewel_brown37130 said:


> Will he get better if goes out and cheats himself?


Two wrongs do not make a right. 

His having a revenge affair would only serve you, not him. In your mind you think this would level the playing field. It would not. All it would do is bring you pain, and that would drive the wedge between you deeper. 

The only way you can help him to get over your cheating, _is to help him get over your cheating. _ That starts with showing him true remorse, telling him that what your multiple affairs with other men were wrong, selfish and hurtful, and that you understand the pain you have caused him. You have to make him believe, through your actions, that you are taking steps to build personal boundaries and then to stick by them. 

It is called having empathy Jewell. 

I recommend you go to ots of individual counseling. LOTS of counseling, to find out why your boundaries are so weak and why you treat sex as a passtime rather than a means of bonding and staying connected to your husband. 

I see a rather alarming disconnect in you. You seem to not equat sex with love. Do you objectify sex? Ask yourself that. 

There is no magic pill you can give your husband to heal him. He is not an object than can be glued back together. Only re-committing yourself to a life of monogamy towards him, doing everything you can to show him true remorse (not just guilt as you are showing now), and vowing to have him as the only man in your life from now forwards can even begin to get you to were you want to be in your marriage. 

You screwed this up and you need to take responsibility for it. 

If you cannot do these things, then you are not cut out to be a wife, not to your husband, and not to any man.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Jewel_brown37130 said:


> To be honest I thought he was going to beat the crap out of me when when he first found out but he just left the house it was rough for a while before we split up but after a while we started seeing each other again of course he's bring up in arguments at first but he has not brought it up in a long long time. I almost wished he had gone out and been with other women to lessen the guilt but only almost


Having RA's/revenge affairs never heals the BS.

I agree your BH's trama set off this fetish in him post your PA's.


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## magnus22001 (Apr 25, 2013)

theroad said:


> Having RA's/revenge affairs never heals the BS.
> 
> I agree your BH's trama set off this fetish in him post your PA's.


Nothing I can do to help him. might as well move on


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## OpenandWilling (Jul 12, 2013)

I have shared women on and off nearly all of my life. And I can tell you this with certainty. When it works it is fantastic- and the after effect can bring you so much closer it is hard to describe. But... when it isn't in harmony it can be a disaster.

My first marriage fell apart because of it... I wanted it,,, talked about it did all things I thought to try to express myself. But she would not go through with it once we were married. She knew from the start what I liked because a previous gf who enjoyed extra play time with me several times introduced us. We ended up drifting apart 7 years later.

I later met a my current wife. She has a high sex drive and after a time I brought the subject up as erotic pillow talk. We ended up trying it... she said it was only sex and if it meant something to me then she would try it. We did. When she saw I was really cool with it and how much I appreciated her she told me she liked me watching. We have been in a sharing caring relationship now for 15 years. 

My feeling is that we as a North American society put way too much emphasis on making sex way too complicated. We all know it's nature's most natural instinct. But only we humans make a mess of it and turn it into a weapon. 
For a few who are curious and who really do care for one another a sharing, caring relationship can connect you both in ways that are unexpected and welcomed. But you both have to be like minded.

It didn't work out in my first marriage but it did in the second.

You sound like you want and enjoy the attentions of other men. Maybe even secretly miss the old days. If so then take a chance and talk to your husband.. many times... about what you both want. Take your time... strive for understanding... Is sharing and caring possible for you? Are the opinions of others stopping you? In a few months or so you both may walk away from this idea or you may embrace it. Talking will take you both to a better place than where you are now.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

OpenandWilling said:


> I have shared women on and off nearly all of my life. And I can tell you this with certainty. When it works it is fantastic- and the after effect can bring you so much closer it is hard to describe. But... when it isn't in harmony it can be a disaster.
> 
> My first marriage fell apart because of it... I wanted it,,, talked about it did all things I thought to try to express myself. But she would not go through with it once we were married. She knew from the start what I liked because a previous gf who enjoyed extra play time with me several times introduced us. We ended up drifting apart 7 years later.
> 
> ...


You may be on to something here! Maybe it could even be added as a segment in pre - marital classes: A Simple Approach to Marriage: Mate Swapping/Cuckholding. Let see - should it come before or after Faithfulness in Marriage?:scratchhead:


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

committed4ever said:


> You may be on to something here! Maybe it could even be added as a segment in pre - marital classes: A Simple Approach to Marriage: Mate Swapping/Cuckholding. Let see - should it come before or after Faithfulness in Marriage?:scratchhead:


To me, being faithful is not breaking trust with your partner and not crossing boundaries that have been mutually agreed to.

People who swing simply have wider boundaries than most other people do, but they have boundaries. They can be faithful or unfaithful, just like anyone else.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Theseus said:


> To me, being faithful is not breaking trust with your partner and not crossing boundaries that have been mutually agreed to.
> 
> People who swing simply have wider boundaries than most other people do, but they have boundaries. They can be faithful or unfaithful, just like anyone else.


Uh huh


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

OpenandWilling said:


> You sound like you want and enjoy the attentions of other men. Maybe even secretly miss the old days. If so then take a chance and talk to your husband.. many times... about what you both want. Take your time... strive for understanding... Is sharing and caring possible for you? Are the opinions of others stopping you? In a few months or so you both may walk away from this idea or you may embrace it. Talking will take you both to a better place than where you are now.


If you have not noticed, TAM is a site who's members predominatley support monogamy. 

You might feel more at home over at the Experience Project.


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## OpenandWilling (Jul 12, 2013)

LostViking said:


> If you have not noticed, TAM is a site who's members predominatley support monogamy.
> 
> You might feel more at home over at the Experience Project.



Thanks for your comment and your concern. 
What I noticed was "this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice."
I also noticed some relationships have serious questions and sometimes answers can be found in places you least expect them. If nothing else I bring a different perspective... and if you don't like what you think I stand for... then you are free to ignore my comments. They are only for the person looking for a variety of answers. 
You may want this section to be about monogamy but marriages try to thrive in a complex environment. How are they doing? Monogamous relationships are now in the minority. Check the stats -with very high divorces rates, the cheating, the promiscuity in all ages and social status, couples seeking answers in clubs, people stuck in loveless marriages and can't divorce for a myriad of reasons. Like it or not relationships have been rapidly changing ever since the radical sixties and the result... we all live in a serially monogamous society.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

*"My feeling is that we as a North American society put way too much emphasis on making sex way too complicated."*


Right.

But wife sharing isn't complicated.

:scratchhead:


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## OpenandWilling (Jul 12, 2013)

committed4ever said:


> You may be on to something here! Maybe it could even be added as a segment in pre - marital classes: A Simple Approach to Marriage: Mate Swapping/Cuckholding. Let see - should it come before or after Faithfulness in Marriage?:scratchhead:


Having better informed premarital classes is a great idea... but I don't think A Simple Approach works very well. Maybe things like... How to be good lover and satisfy your mate. How to accept the person you marry without trying to reshape them into someone you don't know. How about How to stop mental abuse before it becomes physical. How to truly understand your partner before you get married. 
Then your other thoughts can go the end under the heading of: In case all else fails and you still care about one another... but yes... add more... better education is needed


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

committed4ever was being sarcastic, openandwilling.


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## OpenandWilling (Jul 12, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> committed4ever was being sarcastic, openandwilling.


No... You think? I thought I was being light and building on but I guess something got lost somewhere.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Here's a great way to a have a committed healthy trusting relationship - bang lots of other people, have no exclusiveness with your partner and love the one you are with.

This isn't a new novel idea, there is a huge trail of marriages from the 70s that all ended in divorce and kids in therapy when the partners doing this swapping and banging all eventually realized that they had last all respect and value for the other person and the relationship.

Now we've got a bunch of new self appointed prophets like Dan Savage spewing out the same promise of a free lunch for everyone who jumps in.

As for the suggestion that its mainstream and that the majority of marriages are not monogamous, Sorry don't believe it.

Is there a lot of cheating - yep

is there a lot of people who be married super young only to find they got married to the wrong person who has different priorities and values - yep


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## OpenandWilling (Jul 12, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> *"My feeling is that we as a North American society put way too much emphasis on making sex way too complicated."*
> 
> 
> Right.
> ...


It needn't be.:iagree:.. or was that a slip?


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

OpenandWilling said:


> It needn't be.:iagree:.. or was that a slip?


I think FW was using irony.


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## Batman4691 (Jun 24, 2013)

The OP hasn't been back in 3 months, however, I find the topic interesting.

I use to work with a guy who was into the wife swapping and swinging lifestyle and it ended badly in divorce for similar problems that the OP was experiencing. 

I will admit that thoughts and sexual fantasies of MMF threesomes have crossed my mind as well as my wife's in the past. 
Heck, they have made up some of the most open and shared sexual communication between us that is like adding gasoline to the sexual bedroom fires. 

However, the fantasy is always better than the reality of it.

The Faceless, well hung mysterious stranger, who performs magnificently as we see fit, "Mr. Big", leaves the room immediately afterward and returns to his home in the nightstand drawer. 
No awkward moments, embarrassment, shame, or suspicious thoughts about your partner the next day. No STD's , no failed birth control and bastard children to worry about. 

In the past, it's always been a fun and safe way to experience that naughty fantasy without the possible/probable havoc it can create between a committed couple.


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## eyuop (Apr 7, 2013)

CallaLily said:


> He may really be into wanting this to happen, or it could like a set up. Maybe he is throwing this idea out there to see if you will take the bait, kinda like a test, then when you seem interested or something actually takes place, then he may tell you he figured you would do this, and then hand you divorce papers. I'm not saying that will happen and that these are his intentions but you never know. Just because he may not have when other things happened in the marriage doesn't mean he might not get to that point this time.


It seems to me men seem to always be the "bad one" in your mind. She is the one who cheated like crazy and started all of this, but -- oh yeah -- she was a female so that isn't even addressed. She has no reason to be jealous of her husband doing other women. None at all. She cheated on him with 6 guys while he was away, remember. Jealousy? Wow.


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## Jadedone (Jul 15, 2013)

My wife cheated on me 9 and 15 yrs ago. After the second time we I took her back I had the same feelings. I be lieve it is a coping defense. Although we both had had sex with others before we were married, our special "Married sex" wasn't special at least to me anymore. Just sex. I introduced the idea of swinging and she said ok but never followed through. I hoped it would bring excitement back. after all its just F***n to feel good no emotion. Maybe I wanted the thrill of another partner without the going behind her back like she did. We still don't swing. I would like to and I feel its kinda a wedge between us. I am very insecure and the affairs were a nail in the coffin as far at that.


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## Batman4691 (Jun 24, 2013)

I have to agree, in some ways, with some of the men here whose wives have had affairs behind their backs. I can understand their reasoning. 

In a hypothetical situation, if given a choice of having my wife carry on a couple of secretive affairs over a period of years, or enter into the "Swingers" lifestyle with her, I would have to go with the "Swingers" option. And not because I get to have sex with other women. True, that would be a bonus, but not the reason.

It would be because I can be there to monitor that nothing other than the physical act of sex is taking place for her own physical pleasure. No lies about who's she's with, or where she's been. No hidden text messages or phone calls. No emotional attachments are made. No personal information is exchanged. No long term relations are built. 

However hypothetically strange that may sound, given only those two choices, but in real life there are more than two options, and one is definitely divorce.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

There is a school of thought that the knowledge your partner has been with another stimulates increased sperm production in men. Presumably to 'drown' out the sperm of the other man. Men may experience this increased sperm production as increased arousal. Thus for some men the thought of their woman with another man increases their sexual excitement. 

As many have pointed out there are numerous potential pitfalls should a couple choose to act this out. Both physical and emotional. I would imagine that in the vast majority of cases if this is something that does turn you on it's best to keep it as a fantasy you share together.


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## Jewel_brown37130 (Apr 23, 2013)

Ok.. It's been a long time since post or responded to this thread but and some of you had some very good points and few were just plane rude. He hadn't mentioned it for a while even before i posted about 3 months ago i decided to talk to him about it because i just didn't understand but was still curious how it would work out. I think the reason I was resistant to it was because we had communication missuses on my part for a while( i cant explain why) 
but even though he had not said anything about it I still wanted to talk about it also I wondered why he just stopped mentioning it. 
when I asked him about of course his reply was "what brought this up and really wasn't sure what to tell him or what he thought about me asking. all I know is that I had made up my mind and told him let's try it. at this point he told me that I didn't have to do anything that I didn't want to do and went to work. I texted him a couple times throughout day. asking how it would work and how. instead of giving me one senario that I thought he was going to say. he went in a whole different direction. He gave me several different options and ask me how I felt about them and he said no matter the most important things were discretion, protection and trust. I expected him to have some he knew on standby or something crazy complicated thing like that. but he assured me that it would be done in a way that everyone was comfortable and safe. also that i would be someone that we didn't know and it would be better if we went somewhere where nobody knows us. all of this sounded sain to me but i don't know why it woulnt have been because he's a meticulous planner in everything that he does and puts a lot into everthing that he does. so I decided to ahead with. I wont go into grafic detai because this isn't a porn site. we took a weekend trip about 300 miles away from where we live and put an add on ***** with a few pics with no face and in less than an hour there was at least 50 to 60 repies and sat together and i was able to pick out from pictures and their emails end up picking a guy about my husbands age and build and "size". It worked out pretty well it was't like a crazy porno i was the center of attention. in the last couple time we been with 4 different guys. We had a lot of fun I dont feel like has a jealous bone in his body after all this. things have been going a lot better even thought he hasn't been doing anything more or less than he normally does( i always though he was a good husband and father) and I feel like there's more passion in our relationship. we went from making love 1 or 2 times a month to 2 or 3 times and week and its good not sure where to go from her but I realy did think to worst. I realy though that he was interested in it bcause he had lost respect for me but its not the case at all.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

yep you broke him with your cheating now the only way he can get aroused is when you are with other men and when other men are not there is is imagining you with them. sad actually you killed your marriage for sex and now are with a guy that you cannot turn on unless you are with another man.

ohh well to each their own and as long as you 2 are happy keep doing what you are doing.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Aren't there cuckold and swinging Site out there? Why would you come to a Site like TAM and proclaim the glories of your lifestyle? I think you either disgusted with your behavior and are reaching out for help or you trying to incite again which still show you need help. Sadly no one but a professional can address your issues.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

Talk about cake and eat it.........

I have to say i was completely shocked at this thread. Reading through what the OP had to say.

This is not a marriage, your husband is just allowing you to sleep with other men to keep you, he has no choice really, Hes telling you he wants to see you with other men and allowing you to have sex in front of him with other men because you have broken him, and hes doing this as he feels he has no other option because you are going to sleep with other men regardless..... Well he does have another option i know what mine would be. D I V O R C E.

I Know you said you felt a few posters were being rude, but i have to say reading some of your posts are rather upsetting, I feel so sorry for your hubby, Why not let him go, then you can see who you want when you want, I do not know your hubby, but i am sure he really does not want this, I mean who really would.

I have to say tho to the person who said that monogamous marriages are in the minority.... I say poppy ****, and even if it is proven to be true, Who cares....... I am proud of the fact that i am faithful to my husband, and he is faithful to me, if i wanted to screw around i would have stayed single, had threesomes, multiple partners, sleep with a different partner every night.... Instead of settling down and having children.

If you do have kids what example is this your setting them...... Okay yes, to some i may sound like a prude and fair enough maybe i am, but its who am and i am glad..... Oh for the simple things in life.


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## 12345Person (Dec 8, 2013)

All I see is a man that is emotionally crushed.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

I don't really understand the judgmental responses. You and your husband are adults and have the right to live your life the way you want. Glad it worked out for you.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

Well in my case (similar to OP's H, she (my wife cheated once)) I suggested MFM threesome and my wife said no way.
years later she cheated again.

I guess part of me wanted the control, IDK
It still pisses me off i am willing to do this but she would rather go behind my back.


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## 12345Person (Dec 8, 2013)

usmarriedguy said:


> I don't really understand the judgmental responses. You and your husband are adults and have the right to live your life the way you want. Glad it worked out for you.


I doubt her husband really wants any of this inside. He's just been crushed emotionally, humiliated, and left to feel insecure.

People DO have the right to make choices in their life, but many times those choices stem out of fear, jealousy, insecurity, and other emotions that are unresolved.

Instead of trying to help her husband resolve these issues with open, honest, communication, she's lied about her cheating, and is cake eating.

That is not what it's about.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

You have absolutely no idea what her husband thinks because you have never talked to him.


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## 12345Person (Dec 8, 2013)

usmarriedguy said:


> You have absolutely no idea what her husband thinks because you have never talked to him.


Stevie Wonder could see what's going on.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

usmarriedguy said:


> You have absolutely no idea what her husband thinks because you have never talked to him.


Nor do you...... because you have not talked to him either. Were giving our opinions based on what the OP has told us, and we can only assume.... Just like you.

But by what she has said, I can only ASSUME that hes just playing along because she cheats on him anyway, so hes being a part of it the only way he can.... In his eyes hes probably saying he wants to see her sleep with another man because in his mind maybe its not cheating if shes doing it in front of him, who knows.

Maybe it makes him feel better him seeing whats going on instead of not knowing.

The OP did say shes kept on at him asking him, as he stopped bringing it up, Its obvious her husband is not enough for her, shes not happy just being with one man...... if this is the case why not leave the fellow, and let him go with a bit if dignity.

Of course, I am only going by what i have read.

The husband seems broken to me, and has been emotionally broken down and led to believe her way of thinking, but again like you say, I do not know him.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

I made no assumptions, I simply said I was glad it worked out for her.


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## 12345Person (Dec 8, 2013)

usmarriedguy said:


> I made no assumptions, I simply said I was glad it worked out for her.


It worked out for her.... but not for him.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

You do not know that because you do not know him.

It seems to me that he was the one who instigated, planned and then followed through to make it happen and I do not recall her saying anything about him being unhappy with the results.


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## 12345Person (Dec 8, 2013)

usmarriedguy said:


> You do not know that because you do not know him.
> 
> It seems to me that he was the one who instigated, planned and then followed through to make it happen and I do not recall her saying anything about him being unhappy with the results.


Most cuckolds are the ones who instigate their fantasy.

That's not a surprise or something worth of note.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

I don't see what your point is? 
Unless you are suggesting that there is something wrong with being a "cuckold"?

If that is the case it is not your decision to make for other people. You certainly have the right to make your own choices though.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

I think you both have valid points.
I see myself in both of your discussions


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

usmarriedguy said:


> I made no assumptions, I simply said I was glad it worked out for her.


Yes, Of course it turned out well for her, but what about the husband???.

Has it worked out well for him????. Maybe, maybe not.

If the OP had come on and said shes been in a faithful loving relationship for so ans so years, and me and my husband have spoke about bringing another man in etc then maybe, of course each their own... (not for me)... but she had repeatedly cheated on him.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

I don't really see the point still. He seemed to have easily forgiven that and might have even used it to justify his desire for an open marriage. For all we know he could have been doing his own cheating.


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## magnus22001 (Apr 25, 2013)

I have epirienced a similar fantasy and by what I have read it seems for the exact same reason as your husband. I talked to my wife about I before and she had pretty much thought that I was crazy and the only man in the world that could possibly have such a fantasy. Now... not to sound mean but my wife is probably the most close-minded person that I had ever know in the time I've been on this earth and is also not very good at articulating her feelings. So after some thought I didnt ask again because I jus didn't think she could handle if she decided to say yes. About a year she vaguely said I think I'm interested in doing what I asked about, of course I didn't have clue what she meant I hadn't forgot about my fantasy I just quite bothering to include her in it for almost a year. Till this day I dont know what made think about it let alone change her mind. I asked her and sh said she didt know but i want to do something to make me happy and that she knew someone at work was into stuff like that. I asked if this was something she wanted to do . She told me just to set it and that i know what she likes also just surprise her. I have no idea how to do that with us being together on it so nothing has happened yet but she cassual mentions about once or so a week or so in a joking manner. I suspect thay she may have have another affair that may be why all of sudden she decide to out off the blue . I probably should has used my own thread but it may the same thing going on just two sides of the same coin


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

So now why don't you let your H have a hundred MFF threesomes with some really hot young gals?


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

usmarriedguy said:


> You do not know that because you do not know him.
> 
> It seems to me that he was the one who instigated, planned and then followed through to make it happen and I do not recall her saying anything about him being unhappy with the results.


But like i have said, Nor do you either.:scratchhead:.

He instigated it because maybe he felt he had no option as he thought this is what his wife wanted, he may be doing it to keep her happy, maybe like i say, he wants to know what his wife is doing, and does not want her doing it behind her back, so he tells her this is what he wants????...... 

I know what i am trying to say, maybe i am not being clear enough.

No, your right you do not recall her saying that he was unhappy with the results, I bet shes not either, shes having her cake and eat it!!!!


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

melw74 said:


> No, your right you do not recall her saying that he was unhappy with the results, I bet shes not either, shes having her cake and eat it!!!!


I remember one woman on SL saying she was disgusted when her husband suggested such a thing, as if she was just an object to him to use. 

Men and women certainly look at things differently... if my wife suggested a FFM threesome, "disgusted" or "being used" would be one of the furthest ideas from my mind....


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

"But like i have said, Nor do you either.."

?

Yes, and like I already answered you -I did not say anything about him or make any assumptions as to what he might feel about anything.

Why make a lot of speculation on what he might think based on what you think he should think?


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

This thread made me physically ill.

My wife and I were approached by two different couples who were swingers.

Both couples were divorced within a year. 

Best of luck to you guys. I would have tossed your cheating fanny out the door long ago.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

InlandTXMM said:


> My wife and I were approached by two different couples who were swingers.
> 
> Both couples were divorced within a year.


So? That proves nothing. If a small number of personal experiences meant anything, mine would easily trump yours. I know hundreds of couples who are long-term swingers, and whose marriages are thriving. Dozens of those involve a cuckold fetish.

Yet I'll acknowledge that even the large sample size I've seen does not mean it can be generalized to other groups.

The difference may be that both are enthusiastic participants. If both are not, it rarely works out well at least as far as swinging is concerned, and quite possibly for the relationship in that case.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

I have no experience in swinging lifestyles but I always wondered how a husband could sit and watch or record his wife with other men and one thing always made me wonder and I could be wrong so I'm just asking.

Maybe in his mind, he's getting his own kind of revenge by arranging for men to screw his wife and in the husbands mind he's degrading her to a point where he feels like he's a pimp and she's his hooker he put out on the street. 

In his mind he feels like he's controlling her by forcing her to shame herself. I know it sounds nuts because physically he's getting nothing out of it by just sitting and watching or recording it and if he is recording it, he feels like the director and she's his own porn star. If I'm wrong then I'm wrong but I can't see how there can be any other way for him to enjoy some guy using his wife.


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## DarkHoly (Dec 18, 2012)

You can meet up with me and he can film us.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

DarkHoly said:


> You can meet up with me and he can film us.


Well done!:lol:


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

Theseus said:


> I remember one woman on SL saying she was disgusted when her husband suggested such a thing, as if she was just an object to him to use.
> 
> Men and women certainly look at things differently... if my wife suggested a FFM threesome, "disgusted" or "being used" would be one of the furthest ideas from my mind....


What about if she suggested a MMf threesome?????. Would you be happy with another man having sex with your wife???.

I think when your aroused, having sex etc threesomes could be a great idea, but when getting down to doing it, I think it could be a different story..... For me anyway. Its a nice fantasy, but i think that is where it should be kept, my opinion anyway.

I think bringing in another person is just asking for trouble, I mean some people wonder why they're being cheated on and yet they engage in having sex with other people in front of their spouses, If your going to muck about with things like that, then you have to be prepared for something going wrong in your relationship.

In reality, I would hate to watch my husband having sex with someone else, but he respects me to much to do that to even think about it...... He has no interest in it, and he would be mortified if i ever said i wanted to bring another man into our bedroom.

I took my vows very seriously.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

InlandTXMM said:


> This thread made me physically ill.
> 
> My wife and I were approached by two different couples who were swingers.
> 
> ...


Great f***ing Post.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

usmarriedguy said:


> "But like i have said, Nor do you either.."
> 
> ?
> 
> ...


Whatever, If your happy with your wife sleeping about with other men in front of you, then that is fine, its your life.

The only people in my marriage are my husband and I, and my 5 children....... 

I cant understand and will probably never understand why people feel the need to do this, why they feel the need for another person in the relationship, are their spouses not enough for them???.

I mean why marry??.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

While I agree, this is not an appropriate response because the poster did not ask for our feelings about it. She was not looking for our opinion on the morality of the situation or what we would do.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Aaaaand the Original Poster is long gone.


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