# Emotional Abuse



## Ann-onoymous (Jan 8, 2020)

Hey there I'm new to the group. Really going through a hard time in my marriage. I'm working on finding resources to get through this phase, possibly with people who would understand. Has anybody dealt with emotional abuse? I have recently stopped accepting hurtful behavior and am taking space until I can figure out how to move forward. 

I've tried to set appropriate boundaries but he has ignored them. I feel I'm getting taken advantage of, and I'm starting to realize I've been codependent and accepted a lot of things I shouldn't of for a long time. It is now getting worse. I'm at the end of my patience, my self esteem is low, and I am becoming emotionally exhausted, and very unhappy. When minor disagreements occur he can't deal with them the way a healthy person can. 

He attacks and deflects it onto me. Instead of stating actual normal marital dislikes or problems, he goes heavy, hurtful, and personal. For instance I have been called fat, ugly, disgusting, a bad mother, a bad wife, I'm only good enough to be a side chick, psycho, bipolar, depressed, who would like me, I'm lucky to have him, just recently I deserve to get beat... I'm destroyed that this is the kind of thoughts that the person I love has about me. I will get silent treatment, I will have the relationship thrown in my face like he doesn't care if he loses me. It is starting to make me feel worthless. I know he has no respect for me and I know this is not a healthy relationship.

I'm starting to feel really embarrassed for seeing any potential in this person when he is in denial about how he can act towards me. It is not always bad, and when he's good it is great. But it is like dealing with a child's mentality when trying to deal with emotions, conflict, and ownership of his behavior. He will later tell me he doesn't mean the things he said after he's calmed down, will stop, but it is repetitive. I'm starting to realize this is who he is, and it's unlikely he has the ability to change. 

I think he had a really hard childhood and I think a lot of this is learned behavior and hard obstacles. I tried to make that an excuse to be patient but I'm becoming a person who is quick to react and explosive. I don't want to live life constantly defending myself. It is sad when you love someone so much that you will compromise the standards you once had. Any advice is much appreciated.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

*Re: New*

Emotional abuse is insidious. It eats away at your confidence, self-worth, humanity, and eventually your soul. So glad you no longer allow this treatment. The scars are deeper sometimes than physical abuse and are destructive mentally. It is difficult to break free--easy to go back with false promises. Others have a tendency to minimize what only you know is real.


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## Ann-onoymous (Jan 8, 2020)

I completely agree. I thought I could deal with it but it caught up to me and now I have all these bad feelings of my own sense of self because it is all I heard from the person I love and trust. I'm now in the position of starting from scratch, seeking counseling and need to discover how to self love again.


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## talesofthe-twofoldmother (Dec 18, 2019)

Oh wow OP, I feel like you Deja Vu... I came to these forums a couple of weeks before Christmas! 
I am/was going through the same, very same thing! 

You will find so much support and resources here... 

I also have low self-esteem and am dealing with an abusive spouse. After much help and support here, I moved in with my father and stepmother a day before Christmas, we are on the brink of a divorce. 

Do you have people to lean on, or seeing a therapist for these issues?


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

OP, my XH was emotionally abusive. He refused to stop his behavior, no matter how much I talked to him about it, no matter that I dragged him to counseling. It was TAM and my IC that helped me gain the strength to leave the relationship and divorce.

It is possible to heal from this, but it is very unlikely that he will change. The only person you can change is YOU, and that's really hard to do when you're facing his abuse all the time.

For me, I only really healed once I escaped from the relationship, and it's still an ongoing process, even 6+ yrs later.

Are you seeing a therapist?

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Ann-onoymous,

I was in a marriage with a man who was much like your husband.

You way that your husband is not abusive all the time. This is pretty typical. Most abusers are not abusive all the time. After all, who would stay with an abuser if they were mean/abusive 24/7. It's called the Cycle of Abuse. Here is a link so you can read about it.

https://www.cleverism.com/cycle-of-abuse/

The purpose of abuse is control. Basically your husband abused you so that he can break down your self esteem so he can control you. You say that now you are standing up to him and he's getting worse. Of course he is getting worse... that's the only way he knows to beat down your self esteem and get you back where he wants you... under his control.

I'm very concerned that he told you that you should be beaten. My take on it is that he's going to transition to physical violence, if he has not already. Generally when a person who uses just emotional abuse feels that they are losing control of their spouse, they will start using physical violence get their control back.

Does your husband do things like throw objects, break things, hit things like the wall or furniture when he's angry? Does he ever get in your face (just a few inches away from you) and yell and/or verbally abuse you? Does he ever grab you in anger, hit you, etc.?


You need to build a support system. Do you friends or family who you can talk to and who will help you? Find a local organization that helps victims of abuse and get into counseling. 

You cannot change your husband. The only person you can change is yourself. So that's where you need to put your attention. Get help to change yourself, to get stronger and to get out of this abusive relationship.

You say that you love your husband. I'd suggest that you love who you thought he was, not who he really is. Give yourself permission to take back your love and save it for someone who will treat you right.

Love yourself.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm going to post this just in case it has anything in it that can help you.....


There are links to two safety/exit plan info sites.....

http://www.ncdsv.org/images/DV_Safety_Plan.pdf

Safety Planning ? Domestic Violence Resource Center

Below is a safety exist plan that I put together. You can look through all this and take what makes sense for you and make your own plan.....
========================================
Call 911 and they will help you get away.

* The USNational Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support*
If you are afraid your internet usage might be monitored call the national domestic violence hotline at 1 800 799 7233.
========================================
In Canada: 
1-866-863-0511 (Toll Free) 
416-863-0511 (Toronto)
I need counselling, health care, mental health or financial services
========================================

It is very hard to leave a marriage. Boy do I know that from experience. There is a way to make it easier… having a plan and having a strong support system. Just work your plan one step at a time. That way you are not look at a huge problem. Instead you are looking at small steps. 

If you search on the internet for "domestic abuse exit plan" or "domestic abuse safety plan" a lot will come up that you can look over. The one below is one that I added some things to base on my own experience.

*Get a support system: *



Find a local organization that provides counseling and help for victims of domestic abuse (emotional and physical). Get into counseling with them. They will have sliding scale counseling.


Also check into legal aid in your area.



Talk to attorneys and do research on the internet to find out your rights in divorce. Check on sites like Amazon for books about divorce in your state. Be informed. Check out legal aid in your area. Ask the domestic abuse organization if they have a list of attorneys who do pro-bono work or very low fee work and how specialize in cases of divorce with domestic abuse. Most will have such a list. Many attorneys will give a half hour free consultation. If you have a good list of questions, you can learn about your rights and how the local court system handles specific issues. You might even find an attorney that you really like.


Let a trusted family member, friend, coworker or neighbors know your situation. Develop a plan for when you need help; code words you can text if in trouble, a visual signal like a porch light: on equals no danger, off equals trouble. 
If you do not have friends of your own, start making them. Even if you don’t share your situation with them, just having a social outlet for you and even your children will help. One way to meet people is to go to www.meetup.com Search for meetup groups in your area. In most areas they have a lot of things to choose from. You just sign up and go.


*Set up a ‘safe address’ and ‘safe storage space’. *



If you have a trusted friend/family-member, ask them if you can use their address for some things and if you can store some things at their place… like a box of important papers. If you do not have someone who will help you out in this way, rent a PO Box and a small storage space. Use the ‘safe addresses for your mail. Use the ‘safe storage space’ to keep important things you will need like:


your mail from the ‘safe address’


All account info and ATM card for your personal checking account


Copies of all financial paperwork, filed tax forms, etc.


Certified copies of birth certificates, marriage license, passports, 


Car title, social security cards, credit cards, 


Citizenship documents (such as your passport, green card, etc.) 


Titles, deeds and other property information 


Medical records


Children's school and immunization records


Insurance information


Verification of social security numbers Make sure you know your husband’s Social Security Number and your son’s. 


Welfare identification


Valued pictures, jewelry or personal possessions
​*Financial Plan*


Consider getting a job as soon as you can if you do not already have one. This will give you access to money and independence.


*Your safety Plan: *

You need a safety plan just in case you need to leave immediately if things get out of hand. 



Know the phone number to your local battered women's shelter. 


Keep your cell phone on you at all times for dialing 911. It’s best to dial 911. You need to establish a record of his abuse. So call 911 and start creating that record. If you think that it is not safe for you to leave, ask the 911 operator to send the police so that they can ensure your and your child’s safety when you leave.


If you are injured, go to a doctor or an emergency room and report what happened to you. Ask that they document your visit. 


Keep a journal of all violent incidences, noting dates, events and threats made. 


Keep any evidence of physical abuse, such as pictures. 


You can get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and keep it on you at all times when you are around your husband. This way you can get recordings of the abuse. 


Plan with your children and identify a safe place for them. Reassure them that their job is to stay safe, not to protect you.


If you need to sneak away, be prepared. Make a plan for how and where you will escape. 


Back your car into the driveway, and keep it fueled. Keep your driver's door unlocked and other doors locked for a quick escape. 


Hide an extra set of car keys. 


Set money aside. Open a checking account in your name only and put your paycheck (or a portion of it) in that account. Do not use the address of the home you live in with him for this checking account. Use your ”safe address” to the account and keep all of the paperwork related to the account in your “safe storage space”. 


Pack a bag. Include an extra set of keys, IDs, car title, birth certificates, social security cards, credit cards, marriage license, clothes for yourself and your children, shoes, medications, banking information, money" anything that is important to you. Store them at a trusted friend or neighbor's house. Try to avoid using the homes of next-door neighbors, close family members and mutual friends. 


Take important phone numbers of friends, relatives, doctors, schools, etc. 


Know abuser's schedule and safe times to leave. 


Be careful when reaching out for help via Internet or telephone. Erase your Internet browsing history, websites visited for resources, e-mails sent to friends/family asking for help. If you called for help, dial another number immediately after in case abuser hits redial. 


Create a false trail. Call motels, real estate agencies and schools in a town at least six hours away from where you plan to relocate.

*After Leaving the Abusive Relationship*



 *If you get a restraining order, and the offender is leaving the family home: *


Change your locks and phone number. 


Change your work hours and route taken to work. 


Change the route taken to transport children to school. 


Keep a certified copy of your restraining order with you at all times. 


Inform friends, neighbors and employers that you have a restraining order in effect. 


Give copies of the restraining order to employers, neighbors and schools along with a picture of the offender. 


Call law enforcement to enforce the order. 

​


 *If you leave the family home: *



Do not leave your children with your abusive spouse/partner. Take them with you. Talk to your attorney and/or the abuse organization counselors to make sure you do this in a way that will not jeopardize your future custody rights. You don’t want to look like you are kidnapping your children.


Consider renting a post office box or using the address of a friend for your mail. Be aware that addresses are on restraining orders and police reports. Be careful to whom you give your new address and phone number. 


Change your work hours, if possible. 


Alert school authorities of the situation. 


Consider changing your children's schools. 


Reschedule appointments if the offender is aware of them. 


Use different stores and frequent different social spots. 


Alert neighbors, and request that they call the police if they feel you may be in danger. 


Talk to trusted people about the violence. 


Replace wooden doors with steel or metal doors. Install security systems if possible. Install a motion sensitive lighting system. 


Tell people you work with about the situation and have your calls screened by one receptionist if possible. 


Tell people who take care of your children who can pick up your children. Explain your situation to them and provide them with a copy of the restraining order. 


Call the telephone company to request caller ID. Ask that your phone number be blocked so that if you call anyone, neither your partner nor anyone else will be able to get your new, unlisted phone number.

​ 
Here are some ways you can find out things about your finances and some about how you can start saving money in your own name. I’m not putting them on the open forum because I don’t want to tip off people who are abusers.

Some of this might sound crazy. But you are completely in the dark and these are ways that people I know, even I, got the info we needed so that our spouse could not rip us off in a divorce.

Check his wallet and get photographs of any cards and other info that he has in there to include his driver’s license. Make sure to save them somewhere that he cannot get to, like on the cloud.

If he has a brief case do the same thing to it. Do you have a scanner at home? If not get one. I have a small portable that’s easy to use. That’s all you need. Just scan everything in his briefcase into pdf or jpgs. And again keep that info in a cloud account.

If you do use a cloud account, make sure that it does not create an account on your PC that he could see. There is a way to prevent that.

Does he have a home office or a place at home where he works sometimes? If so search it (often). Check the trash.. (I found out all kinds of stuff about my husband by searching his trash. Like I found letters from his affair partner. That’s how I found out about one of his affairs. I also found receipts and statements showing that he was moving money that I earned into accounts and investments in his and his mother’s name. 

Another thing that you might want to try is to go through the trash from his business if you can get to it. Just snatch the bags of trash out of the trash bin into your car, take them some place where he will not see you go through it and search. I kid you not, you can find stuff.

Get a key to his car. Make one if you need to. Then search it often. Search every cranny. Again I found all kinds of info that way. My then husband was hiding papers in the well where the spare tire and tools go. When he traveled, I drove to the airport, found his car in long-term parking and searched it. He was using his car to hide things while he traveled.

Get online and order his credit report. It could lead to all kinds of info on accounts he has.

Search the court records for any law suits. If he has a business, it might have been sued and he might have had to disclose financial info. Here where I live there is a website for the state of New Mexico where we can search on a person’s name to find all court cases of any kind… to include if they were sued, arrested and charged, divorced, etc. I’m sure that New York has something similar.
Make sure that you take an inventory of everything of value in your home. Take photos of everything. And do a walking inventory through the house. That way he cannot hide or dispose of things of value during a divorce.
=========================================
Now about money

Then open bank accounts in your name only. Use an address other than your home address. Also do electronic statements, etc. so that there is no paperwork for him to find. You can open a bank account with as little as $25.

If at all possible, every time you go to a store, get out cash. Even if it’s $10. I know a woman who did this. She’d get out between $40 and $60 with every purchase. It added up… to thousands over a few year period. Make sure that you throw away the receipts before you get home or keep them where he cannot find them. Do not put them in your home trash.

Go through your house and sell anything that you can. Just tell him that you are wanting to simplify your life and declutter. List things on craigslist and sell it. Put the money in your bank account.
Here is a link to a thread about evidence gathering.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I'm going to post this just in case it has anything in it that can help you.....
> 
> 
> There are links to two safety/exit plan info sites.....
> ...


 @Ann-onoymous I agree with this.

And I'll remind you that if he is thinking of getting violent, he will get violent, more than likely.

*You deserve better! *

I have moved your thread to General Relationships.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Ann, I have been where you are, I know exactly what you have been dealing with! I am so glad you have made moves to get away. Did you move out? I probably dont have to say this, but whatever you do, do NOT let him suck you back in! They dont change!

See my signature.....

V
V 
V


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## Ann-onoymous (Jan 8, 2020)

Sorry to hear you all went through the same thing. Did you have major hesitations in full on leaving him? Right now we are separated (live apart) and says he’s working on himself but I doubt he actually is as he can’t tell me what he’s actually doing besides avoiding the marriage. I do have support I have my sister and best friend, just starting counselling to better realize what I’m going through. It wasn’t until YouTube videos I realized what it even was. My concern is for the children if he can't change himself. With or without him, I will have to share custody. I don't want my son to grow up seeing or overhearing his behavior from a distance to any woman, and repeating the cycle. I want him to have healthy loving relationships. How did you all deal with this behavior when it came to the kids?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Ann-onoymous said:


> Sorry to hear you went through the same thing. Did you have major doubts in full on leaving him? Right now we are separated and says he’s working on himself but I doubt he actually is as he can’t tell me what he’s actually doing besides avoiding the marriage. I do have support I have my sister and best friend, just starting counselling to better realize what I’m going through. It wasn’t until YouTube videos I realized what it even was.


NOPE! No doubts, and have had zero regrets since. He isnt working on himself, other than trying to devise a manipulative plan to get you back into "your place". If he makes any changes, you can expect to see them for MAYBE, two weeks or so. Then he will be right back to how he really is.

What scares me is how wonderful my ex was when we started out. For the first 2-3 years, he was so good to me, then slowly over time, the real him came out. This scares me because HOW are you ever supposed to know when someone is for real and when they are wearing a mask like this?? I have been divorced from him for 10 years, and back to being single again after a recent breakup.. and this still scares me after all this time. I just hope that I am able to see signs now.


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## Ann-onoymous (Jan 8, 2020)

@EleGirl Thanks I found this very helpful. I'm embarrassed to say he has pushed me recently and that's a big part of why I started researching the kind of relationship I'm in. It was not in a hurtful manor, but it was in a moment of anger and it was very disrespectful and that is where I'm scared it can become more. I haven't admitted this to anyone, that's why I think this site is so great. It gives people a voice to be full on honest without getting judged and being anonymous. You're probably right that I thought I loved who he was, not who he is showing to be now that I'm locked in. I'm very independent so the separation period shouldn't be too taxing. I've pretty much financially been taking care of myself, have a good job, my own house etc. It is the custody of our child we just had I am worried about. He has been a great dad I'm not taking that away. I'm a little hesitant if he will present these same types of behaviors to him or in front of him when he gets older and I'm not sure how to go about that.


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## Ann-onoymous (Jan 8, 2020)

@3Xnocharm Absolutely! That is exactly what I recently told my best friend is how I'm never going to be able to trust a guy again. He was one amazing loving person when I met him and then it became a worse and worse progression to what it is now. I never would have seen it coming and now I am stunned that this is the outcome of who I thought was my soul mate. Hopefully we'll be able to learn to trust again in the future.


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## musiclover (Apr 26, 2017)

My ex is much like your husband. However, he did progress to physical abuse. My eyes finally opened when my son said to me “when are you going to realize your marriage to dad isn’t normal and his friends dads don’t treat their wives the way I was treated.”

To this day, my ex wants to get back together and claims he doesn’t understand why I left. Talk about denial. Your husband won’t change, mine didn’t. He was in a relationship after we divorced and she left him because ....he was verbally abusive.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ann-onoymous said:


> @EleGirl Thanks I found this very helpful. I'm embarrassed to say *he has pushed me recently* and that's a big part of why I started researching the kind of relationship I'm in. It was not in a hurtful manor, but it was in a moment of anger and it was very disrespectful and that is where I'm scared it can become more. I haven't admitted this to anyone, that's why I think this site is so great. It gives people a voice to be full on honest without getting judged and being anonymous. You're probably right that I thought I loved who he was, not who he is showing to be now that I'm locked in. I'm very independent so the separation period shouldn't be too taxing. I've pretty much financially been taking care of myself, have a good job, my own house etc. It is the custody of our child we just had I am worried about. He has been a great dad I'm not taking that away. I'm a little hesitant if he will present these same types of behaviors to him or in front of him when he gets older and I'm not sure how to go about that.


You were wise to leave after he pushed you. Generally physical abusers do not start the physical abuse by beating the crap out of you. Instead they start with little things. The idea is that they are testing the waters, what happens if he pushes you. If you don't leave, next time it will be a bit more violent. If you don't leave after that, then it will escalate more.

I don't think that abusers think this all through. It's a process that they either learned from a parent or that they just figured out and do intuitively. 

How old are your children?

My ex is my son's father. My son was 7 at the time that I left his father. By that time my son was telling me that I had to leave his father because his father was mean. But, he still wanted to spend time with his father after we separated and divorced. 

During the divorce the topic of my ex's abuse and mistreatment of our son was a big issue during the custody phase. I asked for a custody evaluate. It was done and the findings were that our son should not spend a lot of time with his father because of the abuse. My ex had to go to counseling to get more time with our son. It took him 2 years before the counselor was convinced that he could have more time with our son. Our son had to be included in the counseling. In the end, he got 40% time with our son.

Over the years, as my son become more independent, his father became more and more abusive of him. He told me that there were days when he was at his father's that he would not get out of bed or that he hid in the closet to avoid his father. My son did tell the school counselor and they called child protective services. But my son would not talk to child protective services because he did not want to get his father in trouble. 

When my son was in 10th grade he had enough of the abuse. Apparently one day he and his father got in a physical fight. My ex is 5'6". My son is 6'4". He just about that tall in at the time. He says that he picked his father up and pinned him to the wall telling him that if he ever hit him again he would hurt him (his father). Then my son called me to come get him. That was the last time he spent a night at his father's house. 

My son is 31 now and doing very well (Almost done with his Phd in Physics. and works in research). Since that fight with his father, he has maintained a relationship with his father. They have taken some vacations together. My son sees his father just about every weekend, they usually have lunch together. And my son goes to his fathers every holiday to spend some time with him, his wife and his step sister.

My ex remarried about 4 years after our divorce (divorce was in 1996). His new wife ended up living in a house she owns from about 2005 until a couple of years ago. Why? Because he was abusive. They still spend holidays together and went on vacations. But she would not live with him. Now that he is retired and they now live together. Hopefully he has mellowed out quite a bit in his hold age.

What I tried to do while my son was growing up was to help him learn how to deal with his father. It's hard because the way the system is, without solid evidence of abuse the courts and child protective services will not step in. My son did tell me when he was older that if I had kept him from his father after the divorce, he "would have hated me forever". It's a very thin line to walk. 

There is a book that I read back in the 1990's before I left my ex, "The Dance of Anger". It's a very interesting book. One of the things that it said was that the difference between a child who is badly damaged by an angry/abusive parent generally will repeat the behavior. The children who survive the situation and do not repeat the behavior are ones who had a "sympathetic witness" (I think that's the term that the book used.) What they meant is that if a child has someone who assures the child that they are good, that they do not deserve the abuse and/or anger, that the child will grow up to not repeat the behavior.

With my son, while I did talk to him about things that he brought up I never bad mouthed his father around him. NEVER. "It's one thing to say something like he should not have pushed you and yelled at you like that. What do you want to do about it?" ... vs something like "Your father is an angry SOB, blah blah blah.... "


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## Ann-onoymous (Jan 8, 2020)

@EleGirl we just had a son 6 months old and this is roughly when things started getting really bad. I also have a daughter from a previous relationship who is almost 7 and she is saying things like he's mean to her which also made me reevaluate the relationship. She could be overhearing our arguments or it could be the little digs he throws at her. Both are not ok and I feel a tremendous amount of guilt for putting her through that. She's had behavior issues from three on and we are trying to diagnose why with the doctors. She has a current diagnosis of adhd and anxiety but are wondering if it's something different. She had it before I met him but I'm sure this situation has not helped her improve and I should not of waited to see if things could change. That is so crazy what your son went through, and weirdly enough that is similar to what my husband went through as a kid. The only time the abuse stopped was when he was big enough to put his dad in his place. I've only been told bits and pieces, but I don't think he had anyone in his corner like your son did with you. Which now reflecting on the whole situation I perhaps should of seen this all coming.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Ann-onoymous said:


> @EleGirl we just had a son 6 months old and this is roughly when things started getting really bad. *I also have a daughter from a previous relationship who is almost 7 and she is saying things like he's mean to her which also made me reevaluate the relationship. *She could be overhearing our arguments or it could be the little digs he throws at her. Both are not ok and I feel a tremendous amount of guilt for putting her through that.


Then you have no choice, you MUST get out of this marriage. Part of what got me out of my situation is how my ex (her stepdad) had been treating my daughter. You are the one who is supposed to protect her, so it is up to you to make it right. I am so sorry you are both dealing with this. You sound like you really have your head together, which is excellent.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Ann-onoymous said:


> @EleGirl we just had a son 6 months old and this is roughly when things started getting really bad. I also have a daughter from a previous relationship who is almost 7 and she is saying things like he's mean to her which also made me reevaluate the relationship. She could be overhearing our arguments or it could be the little digs he throws at her. Both are not ok and I feel a tremendous amount of guilt for putting her through that. She's had behavior issues from three on and we are trying to diagnose why with the doctors. She has a current diagnosis of adhd and anxiety but are wondering if it's something different. She had it before I met him but I'm sure this situation has not helped her improve and I should not of waited to see if things could change. That is so crazy what your son went through, and weirdly enough that is similar to what my husband went through as a kid. The only time the abuse stopped was when he was big enough to put his dad in his place. I've only been told bits and pieces, but I don't think he had anyone in his corner like your son did with you. Which now reflecting on the whole situation I perhaps should of seen this all coming.





3Xnocharm said:


> Then you have no choice, you MUST get out of this marriage. Part of what got me out of my situation is how my ex (her stepdad) had been treating my daughter. You are the one who is supposed to protect her, so it is up to you to make it right. I am so sorry you are both dealing with this. You sound like you really have your head together, which is excellent.


I agree, you HAVE to get out of this marriage. I would bet donuts to dollars that your daughter's behavioral issues are related to the way your husband treats her when you're not around.

Given your son's childhood, I'm not surprised that he became an abuser. He's repeating the behavior he learned as a child, because he never learned anything different. Most people who are abusive adults were abused children, sadly.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ann-onoymous said:


> @EleGirl we just had a son 6 months old and this is roughly when things started getting really bad. I also have a daughter from a previous relationship who is almost 7 and she is saying things like he's mean to her which also made me reevaluate the relationship. She could be overhearing our arguments or it could be the little digs he throws at her. Both are not ok and I feel a tremendous amount of guilt for putting her through that. She's had behavior issues from three on and we are trying to diagnose why with the doctors. She has a current diagnosis of adhd and anxiety but are wondering if it's something different. She had it before I met him but I'm sure this situation has not helped her improve and I should not of waited to see if things could change. That is so crazy what your son went through, and weirdly enough that is similar to what my husband went through as a kid. The only time the abuse stopped was when he was big enough to put his dad in his place. I've only been told bits and pieces, but I don't think he had anyone in his corner like your son did with you. Which now reflecting on the whole situation I perhaps should of seen this all coming.


I'm not surprised to hear that your husband had an abusive father. It makes sense. My ex also had an abusive father. 

It's too bad that your husband does not recognize that he desperately needs help and that he does not get that help.

When my son was in 1st grade.... I was leaving to go shopping and he begged me not to leave him alone with his father. I asked him why. His reply was "When you are not here, he treats me like he treats you." I never left my son alone with his father after that until the divorce. I stayed with my ex longer than I should have so that my son did not have to be alone with his father.


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## a_new_me (Dec 27, 2012)

Please, if you go, do not go back.

I left my emotional abuser. At the end it got violent. It took me years to forgive myself, and I forgave, him for me.

It put me in a position where I accepted him back, but he did not change.

Now, I am starting from the beginning.

Change is hard, strength grows.
They are like that and the majority do not.

Stay true to YOU. 


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

I am a trained and qualified marriage counselor, I work with these situations. You are receiving good advice here, from people who know what they are talking about. 

All I would add is, the most dangerous time is when he learns you are leaving. I think you said you are already separated, so thank goodness for that. Be careful when telling him it's all over, do it in a safe place and in a safe way.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Ann-onoymous said:


> Hey there I'm new to the group. Really going through a hard time in my marriage. I'm working on finding resources to get through this phase, possibly with people who would understand. Has anybody dealt with emotional abuse? I have recently stopped accepting hurtful behavior and am taking space until I can figure out how to move forward.
> 
> I've tried to set appropriate boundaries but he has ignored them. I feel I'm getting taken advantage of, and I'm starting to realize I've been codependent and accepted a lot of things I shouldn't of for a long time. It is now getting worse. I'm at the end of my patience, my self esteem is low, and I am becoming emotionally exhausted, and very unhappy. When minor disagreements occur he can't deal with them the way a healthy person can.
> 
> ...


You need to seek individual therapy to ensure you can stand your ground if you cannot leave him.
Sounds like he might have a personality disorder (BPD or NPD).
I would record him and play later to show him what he is doing. Better still think about leaving him.
Your reaction is naturally anger at being mistreated but he probably turns that all around on you? Tell him also to seek therapy. Tell him you will leave him if he does not shape up, then follow through.


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## MZMEE (Apr 17, 2018)

First realize the problem is within him and it's not you. He really needs to attend his own personal counseling to get to the source of his rage. He also has to realize that apologizing AFTER abusive words doesn't negate the damage it causes. I can forgive someone but the wound still has to heal. So too many times throwing grenades at you is going to cause you to break down (it already has). You cannot help him. Someone else has to be the one to talk to him. He will always find an excuse to justify his actions while you are dying daily. 

So right now I would just give him an ultimatum. He needs to go get help or else there is no use in working on the marriage. Declare that you will no longer be the dart board to his deeper issues. No since in trying to fix the stove when it's really the dishwasher, if you know what I mean.

Good luck and most of all be safe. This will escalate if you are not careful.


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## J122LovesHisWifeStacy104 (Jan 8, 2020)

Let me just say that I only read the first post and not the following posts before typing my response

The moment I saw this, what came to mind is my wife. Your name is Ann-Anonymous. So I read that and was like Ann-Anonymous, hmm Stacy Ann. That would be something but she couldn't know I'm on this. When it comes to her, I guess we're going through some things. I'm scared she's cheating on me. Or that she has feelings for someone else, lost it for me, is sleeping with someone else. And that isn't something where I'm knocking her character. I guess I get neurotic sometimes because I feel like there's no possible way that after all this time and through everything that she could still be down for me. Then I have people trying to make me think she's is. I got people trying to make her think I am. Even when you try to shut it out, it gets to you after a while. She flips flops. We're distant in person. And all gets to me and then I flip out. So maybe I could be considered emotionally abusive myself. However, I know that would change if we lived together. Like right now, I have this neighbor I grew up with named Rishawn who apparently is trying get everyone to get me to believe she left me for him and it is all toxic. Like just a while ago, I went somewhere to an ATM to make a deposit. So I had to take the bus. I saw a driver that looked like Stacy while I was waiting for the bus. Now I get back home and I'm passing by my neighbor Rishawn's house. He has me tracked somehow. Because moment I passed by near his window, he made sure to shut off his lights. Like he has someone tracking me and then he kept his lights on until I got in the area. Then shut them off, so that I could see he's home. Then I would see the type of car that I saw woman that looks like Stacy in. So I could think she's sleeping in his bed right now. Then I'd be paranoid. Then when I check the situation, I'd look like a nutcase and he'd play innocent. He's been doing it all 2019. He even tried to trick me into thinking they were sleeping together and he got her pregnant over a span of time. He knows about our communication gap. Even on New Years Eve he tried it. So I'm on social media and I'm on an explicit page. So the user posts a picture of a woman that looks like Stacy. In the photo the female is hugged in bed with a guy whose face you can't see, you can only see the hairstyle. Which is bushy. I save the photo (my laptop is hacked). I also commented on the photo too. The user of the webpage is a gemini and he's a gemini. Anyway the next afternoon, I see my neighbor Rishawn walk up the street from out my window. He has no hat on, which he usually wears one. So the guys hair is bushy like the photo. So he walks up the street. I go outside to check something different unrelated to this. I turn back to go to my house, he shows up again on his way to turn up the same street he was going up when I saw him out the window. He has a hat on now. So now, his plan was for me to see him without the hat so that I could think that it was him and Stacy in bed in that photo. Except that he didn't know that I recently went to see Stacy so I knew she was looking (there is a unique thing about this) and that wasn't her in the photo. And even if it were her, it wasn't a recent photo. Thus his plan to make think he was currently in bed hugged up with Stacy was a flop. But this is the type of stuff I deal with. And I get portrayed as a troublemaker. 

Now with Stacy, the distance is a killer. I'm only human. If we lived together, those thoughts and worries at night would be gone. Plus she won't be sneaking out at night because my arms will be wrapped around her because I just love the way her body feels on me. And the warm way it makes me feel. It just puts me at ease.


So now in regards to your post. 

When it comes to boundaries, I'm not too great on that. I just know don't rape and things like that. In terms of relationship boundaries, well that is something that would have to be a learning thing for me. Because everyone has different boundaries. Sometimes you overstep them without realizing. I don't think I have too many boundaries in my love life (I'm not talking cheating boundaries because I don't want to be cheated on). I'm really free flowing. When it comes to Stacy and I, it is something we have to talk about. Because she may feel the same thing you're saying. But we have to talk about it. And we have to know how to talk about so it does't seem like a nag or demand. I may know boundaries and don't realize it. But in terms of being a couple, I wouldn't say I'm perfect in that regard.


I know with Stacy, I'm not trying to take advantage of her or ignore her boundaries. However, I'm in stuck place. I can't do without her. Then I worry that if I let go a bit, what if she just forgets about me or falls for someone else? Where does that leave me but feeling broken. And some may say, well if you do that and she leaves; she just wasn't meant for you. And that's consolation comments. I care about this person in particular. I'm not down to lose her. I can't give advice her. But let me act like I was the guy in question. I'd think the guy and the woman should talk about what is going in person. Without the idea of breaking up if the conversation doesn't go well. It is just something that has to be done. Along with maybe couples counseling, where the two are in the same room at once. You just gotta understand the guy. I know me, I want my boo Stacy happy with me.


Attacks and deflects. I know for me as a guy, I may come as attacking and deflecting but I may just be saying what frustrates me. Which is a disregard for my role. But as a guy and as a human, in frustration; you can be blind to your role in a things wrong. The whole other thing, I've not ever called Stacy fat, ugly, disgusting or a bad wife. I've always found her to be an astonishing beauty and believe even outside of looks that she'd make the best wife for me. I do think she flip flops on me and even if she may be bipolar; I'm still willing to be down for Stacy. Depression, I'm still willing to be there too. As long as she lets her walls down. I know me, I don't feel those negative things about me. In fact, for me I'm scared too many people find my boo super fine. So I mean, that seems like a counseling thing. To figure how to communicate better. I know me, I may be a silent treatment guy because I don't express what I want to properly. And I know me, I was stupid and threw the relationship in her face. And I sounded like I didn;t care to lose her. But losing Stacy is a scary thing for me. I literally go numb when I think she's gone from my life. I've had nights flipping out alone by myself because I'm scared she's gone. Sometimes when she's gone, she's gone. And it isn't a future I ever want to experience with Stacy. I don't need to lose Stacy to learn to value the women who loves me. It is painful for a guy when he feels like he's losing the love of his life. He may even push the woman he's in love with away and lash out when he feels like there's nothing he can do to prevent it (not to be mistaken for complete disinterest). I'd push Stacy away and lash out if I felt insecure. Then it would go away when she gave me that reassurance that I'm not in this alone. I know for a fact that I have the utmost respect for Stacy in spite of the mistakes I made. But again, in this circumstance; you gotta talk to the guy. And in good timing. 



I know me, I told Stacy's mom that I may have embarrassed Stacy but I just mean sometimes I worry that she's embarrassed to choose me as someone to be with. Maybe just my own insecurity. When I read what you're saying here from that section, it stings me. Because imagine, the woman I'm currently thinking is embarrassed to be with me is really seeing so much in me and I just am oblivious to it. A guy can be like that too. So oblivious to what a woman sees in him. I could wake up tomorrow, find out that Stacy worships the ground I walk on (excuse the use of term) and be shocked. Because I just can't believe someone I'm so in love with could feel that way about me. In terms of how partners act towards each other, well the two have to talk about these things. Can't just keep in the chest. Or even write a letter expressing and make sure he gets it. Then talk about it. If it isn't always bad and great when he's good, try to get that out him more. I'm like that too. I lose it, or I'm hurt or insecure or just in a bad place. Lose it and then realize. It is something to work on. And when you say, that's who the person is and they may not change; no one knows the future. A couple works together and they may change for the better for each other. 



A really hard childhood can do that to a guy. Harden him and make it hard to love him. It is something to work through. Just like a woman who has a hard childhood or rough love life and she has her walls up. You just have to keep at it. I feel exhausted sometimes when it comes to Stacy but then I realize the big picture. When it comes to Stacy, I don't want to say "we were together for 9 years but broke up." I want to be able to say, "Stacy and I have been together for 20 years so far." That alone keeps me going. Things may not be how they were when it started out but you had a goal. You saw something in the person and you wanted to be with person. So you gotta stick through it. Domestic violence is a thing that shouldn't happen. But all in all stick with the guy if you love you him.

I know me, when it comes to Stacy; she's the only woman I'd ever be married to. Or have kids with. And I'd never be able to feel this way again with another woman. So I cherish it and her. I know I don't get tired of her. I hate her distance not her presence lol.
Stacy's absence will keep me up at nights. I need Stacy to just sleep to next to and ease my mind about everything that troubles me. 

Sometimes the two of you just need to talk things out over time continually. Remain patient with each. Re-find what brought you two together in the first place and what made it work. Write down your likes and dislikes about things. What you wish would happen less, what you'd like more and so on. And have both of you do it. Maybe add to list over time. Find ways to improve life together. Make-up sex would help too. Sex therapy and all that kind of stuff. But start by conversation and makeup later.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

J122, she needs to get out, not try and placate her abuser with make up sex. 

You are completely codependent. You roll over and take whatever your wife dishes out. Honestly, no one should live that way. 



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