# Why do I have NO libido?!



## HSSW164 (Oct 21, 2011)

I love my husband very much and we have great sex. The problem is that I have very little desire to have sex. Once we do, and I'm aroused, it's amazing! I feel that sometimes there is a lack of affection on a daily basis and when when we are, it's when he wants to have sex so I pull away. What can I do to increase my libido?! How can I bring up to him without blaming him? Any ideas or can anyone else relate?!


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## shawna (Oct 21, 2011)

There are many things you can do to increase your libido. Depending on your age, when the levels of estrogen begin to drop a decrease in libido occurs. Things like toys, or trying something new may spice things up. Doing the same thing when having sex may become routine and not as exciting you know?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

For you, sex does not make you feel loved. For your husband, sex is what makes him feel loved, appreciated and overjoyed. Most people get inside their own head and think "well this does not make me feel loved, so this cannot be something that makes him feel loved". They apply that lens into their decision making.

But, if you were to recognize and realize that giving him sex is a gift of that makes him feel loved, appreciated and the thing that will drive him to be the absolute best man and husband he can be for you.. And that by being the type of wife that takes joy and pleasure in making your husband's day and life be more fulfilled in all respects makes your life and marriage a great one... And that being this type of partner is a great way to live and will cause him to want to move heaven and earth in meeting your needs.... And you and your husband will have the wealth of a satisfied and superior marriage... Maybe this will increase your "libido".


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

I know that you didn't say whether you had kids or not, but I replied to a similar request in the following thread. I think that the advice I posted in that thread is something that could be pertinent for you.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33370-marriage-after-kids.html

It's essentially about making your spouse your priority. If you can try to do that in your marriage, you may be very surprised, and hopefully delighted, to find your husband willing to make you a priority, and somehow that seems to resolve a lot of libido issues. 

Best wishes.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

HSS, why would you blame your husband? He's supposed to be sexually interested in his wife. If he wants to have sex with you, it means he's functioning exactly as he was designed to. He didn't ask for his sexual urges and he can't turn them off any more than he could tell himself to not feel hot, cold, thirst, or hunger. 
You both enjoy sex, you just take a little longer to warm up than he does.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

You mentioned that he only touches you when he wants sex... 

You can try showing him what you want, by giving him a hug, touching him, rubbing his back, and saying you just want to cuddle.
That will let him know you truly just want to cuddle. Or, when he does touch you, can you say I really enjoy when we just touch sometimes. 

It sounds like you are wanting a bit more affection without the pressure of having sex. Some affection that doesn't lead to sex might be helpful.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

I'm in the same position. I have been working on my lack of libido. So far, so good. I'm with everyone else, and especially what unbelievable said. I would get aggravated because it seems the only time my H was affectionate was when he wanted sex... which was a lot, I would say the dreaded "not tonight" and he wouldn't be affectionate anymore that night. But one thing I learned with my H is that when he tries to even be a little affectionate, he would get turned on. I am flattered by that now, not aggravated like I used to get, and in fact because I'm flattered, I have a tendency to get a little turned on by him getting turned on. I don't know if that makes since, but its working to increase my libido some ;-)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

His wife turns him on. What could be greater than that? You don't have to jump through hoops, get plastic surgery, or kill yourself in a gym to hold his attention. You turn him on just the way you are. Things could be much worse. He could be into your neighbor's wife, the neighbor's kids, the neighbor, the neighbor's dog. 
He could have zero sexual interest in you.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

unbelievable said:


> His wife turns him on. What could be greater than that?.


I know, I see threads here everyday about women (and men) who can't seem to interest their spouse. I never thought about it when I was getting aggravated... but he's simply attracted to me, even at my worst ;-) I am beginning to appreciate it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I think some people take an awful lot for granted. I'm sure it can be annoying to get approached for sex when you're not in the mood, but millions of married folks would give anything to feel their spouse desires them. Some don't even know how it feels to have their wife or husband initiate sex or a romantic moment.


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## phantomfan (Mar 7, 2012)

HSSW164 said:


> I love my husband very much and we have great sex. The problem is that I have very little desire to have sex. Once we do, and I'm aroused, it's amazing! I feel that sometimes there is a lack of affection on a daily basis and when when we are, it's when he wants to have sex so I pull away. What can I do to increase my libido?! How can I bring up to him without blaming him? Any ideas or can anyone else relate?!


Honestly it sounds like the "problem" is 99 percent solved. What I mean is you know its a problem, and you like sex once its going. The arousal part is something that needs to be addressed. In a perfect world, everyone is aroused and the fireworks show begins after arousal. But I also agree with what others said here that you're lucky to have a spouse crazy about you and he's lucky you're here asking how to change it. Mine still thinks I'm crazy to want to have sex with her "all the time" and takes my continued desire/ability for granted. When I try to do more things to arouse my wife (aka "make love" all day), it doesn't work. To those of us on the higher side of drive, we see it as if you like it when it gets going, then take Nike's slogan and just do it. Maybe with less thought and more action, the arousal will naturally take care of itself over time OR you two will be in a better place to address how to keep it going by doing (insert what you need here). Just a thought...

:smthumbup:


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

HSSW164 said:


> I love my husband very much and we have great sex. The problem is that I have very little desire to have sex. Once we do, and I'm aroused, it's amazing! I feel that sometimes there is a lack of affection on a daily basis and when when we are, it's when he wants to have sex so I pull away. What can I do to increase my libido?! How can I bring up to him without blaming him? Any ideas or can anyone else relate?!


Unfortunately I've no answers for you, but I can relate... only from the other side. You sound like my wife. Outside the bedroom we have a wonderful marriage, inside the bedroom no desire (though through affection she will get aroused).

If you've talked things over with your husband and you two have no solution... then I think you need to do what we're about to do: see a sex therapist.


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## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

This may sound stupid, but I've been keeping a check list, and it's helped me focus on the time in between sessions. I've got columns for when I initiate sex, when my wife initiates sex, and who climaxes. When I see that it's been more than a couple days, I try to find the time to initiate. When I initiate, I feel more in control of the situation.

Like I said, stupid. But for me it works.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Rockstar, are you an accountant? Just curious, because I am and I have a pretty geeky Excel spreadsheet to track what weekends I spend with the family and what weekends I spend on my hobby (climbing) because the first couple years I did it I was a bit selfish with my time if you know what I mean.


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## nameuser (Mar 30, 2012)

Why you have no libido? Because you're a woman.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Not really a fair assessment at all nameuser. Perhaps you're joking, but I've read plenty on here to tell me that lots of women have a VERY healthy libido.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

nameuser said:


> Why you have no libido? Because you're a woman.


... said the man making untrue generalizations.  (sorry that was just too easy)


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

HSSW164, I know that others telling you to "just do it" and to be grateful is not helping much. It doesn't help the fact that you feel used by not getting his attention and affection unless he wants sex. I don't understand anyone telling you you're taking your husband for granted. It's actually the other way around. He is taking you for granted. A guy being horney all the time and the convenience of having a wife around doesn't necessarily mean you attract him beyond control. Of course he desires you, or I don't imagine he would have married you. But, your needs are important also, and you shouldn't have to feel that is all you mean to him. I wish men and women were not wired so different in this respect, as it commonly turns out. You're really going to have to talk to him and let him know what your needs are, that not every hug has to turn into sex, and that affection more often may be in order.


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## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Rockstar, are you an accountant? Just curious, because I am and I have a pretty geeky Excel spreadsheet to track what weekends I spend with the family and what weekends I spend on my hobby (climbing) because the first couple years I did it I was a bit selfish with my time if you know what I mean.


 Not an accountant, just an Applehead Technonerd. There are apps for the iPad that are useful for just about every aspect in life, not just entertainment. That includes some every in depth time management/self-improvent apps. The one I was referring to in my post is called Habits Pro, but there are many other good options out there.


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## phantomfan (Mar 7, 2012)

River1977 said:


> HSSW164, I know that others telling you to "just do it" and to be grateful is not helping much. It doesn't help the fact that you feel used by not getting his attention and affection unless he wants sex. I don't understand anyone telling you you're taking your husband for granted. It's actually the other way around. He is taking you for granted. A guy being horney all the time and the convenience of having a wife around doesn't necessarily mean you attract him beyond control. Of course he desires you, or I don't imagine he would have married you. But, your needs are important also, and you shouldn't have to feel that is all you mean to him. I wish men and women were not wired so different in this respect, as it commonly turns out. You're really going to have to talk to him and let him know what your needs are, that not every hug has to turn into sex, and that affection more often may be in order.


Guys are wired (for the most part) to have everything we do to get our partner into bed. It's not a bad thing, its just how the engine runs. We wouldn't shave, work, brush our teeth, wear deodorant, yardwork, etc if we weren't trying to attract someone, just sayin. It doesn't mean we view our women as pieces of meat or property. We are wired to give affection/love for sex. Women are wired to give sex for love/affection. It works great when both are "functioning" normally. The gift we have to give our partner bonds us to the other. When one of the two decides to change the rules, it causes problems. 

The occasional denial for good reason is not a major deal. Its the pattern of pushing away that does cause the problem. The rejector doesn't see it as a rejection of the other person, but it is. It's hurtful not because it happens once, it hurts because happens over and over again. If you know that tomorrow will come and so will you, it's not going to lead to turning away if something happens to curtail sex that day. A guy that knows 100 percent its on tomorrow is not going to screw it up by getting angry over ONE night. 

Recently I gave my wife a couple days "off". We had sex for 3 days in a row and each was great. She was into what we did in bed and we had a great time out of bed. Sex was the cherry on top. I kept affection going during PTO and did everything she needed without expectation that she was going to jump my bones or meet my needs. Even during the days off, she pushed me away. My affection without sex was being rejected even though I was quite clear that I was not going to act on my impulse to jump her like frogger. 

When the "pass" expired, I continued to met her needs. Again she pushed me away with a rather typical rejection routine. I did not get I'm sincerely sorry that things didn't work out, I want to be with you. I didn't get "tomorrow, the schedule is cleared and I'm paying you back with interest for being so wonderful and understanding". I got "I'll pay you back sometime". BTW, that never happened yet. That rejection was done with a smile on the face like the smile you have on your face when you call in sick for work. That made me extremely hurt and angry, rightfully so. 

Had that been the first time this year, month, etc that happened and everything else was great/regular, it wouldn't have been the big deal it is. Because it's an almost daily routine, I am backing away again. I wish the OP was my wife because it sounds like her attitude is much closer to being part of the solution. My wife sees me and my need as the problem. I should be thankful for what I get, not hurt or angry that what I need goes unfulfilled. I think the OP needs to understand that men need to be with their wives regularly to be affectionate without leading to sex. If she can understand that and come to terms with it feels good when we do, so just do it, the affection without sex should return as a natural by-product of a satisfying sex life. Simple concept, yet hard to do.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

River1977 said:


> I wish men and women were not wired so different in this respect, as it commonly turns out.


Women aren't the only ones that wish that! 

Men generally aren't wired to see the partition between affection and sex that some women seem to see so clearly.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

^^ I guess if we weren't wired so differently, then what would cause us to grow and mature and push outside our own little bubbles of comfort? 

I guess I just see the differences in 'wiring' as potential opportunities ... to grow ourselves, our partners, create some great sparks together. So many are negative about the differences... I'm like - learn to embrace them, work with them.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

nameuser said:


> Why you have no libido? Because you're a woman.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

HSSW164 said:


> I love my husband very much and we have great sex. The problem is that I have very little desire to have sex. Once we do, and I'm aroused, it's amazing! *I feel that sometimes there is a lack of affection on a daily basis and when when we are, it's when he wants to have sex so I pull away.* What can I do to increase my libido?! How can I bring up to him without blaming him? Any ideas or can anyone else relate?!


Seems to me you have answered your own question here with respect to the cause. If you are not all that emotionally close, then when he comes looking for some your reaction is 'excuse me?'.... right?

I dont see this as a 'libido' problem. Are you saying you want to be more horny without the need for all that messy and time consuming 'relationship stuff'? 

How about starting up the whole 'date night' thing? *NOT* as a prelude to the promise of sex, but rather a dinner date or something where you 2 can start talking undistractedly with each other etc. Shake things up a bit. Get into a new groove. Re-introduce yourselves to each other. (Smartphones not allowed). Once you start feeling attached again, I bet sex comes easier.


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## phantomfan (Mar 7, 2012)

ocotillo said:


> Women aren't the only ones that wish that!
> 
> Men generally aren't wired to see the partition between affection and sex that some women seem to see so clearly.


Gotta disagree there. There *may* be a partition with some women, but its like eating a peanut butter sandwich without jelly and milk. Sure you *can* but the peanut butter and bread just stick to the roof of your mouth. 

Sex is the "gift" that women give to get affection/love and affection/love is the "gift" that men give to get sex. By design each of us is built to give what the other needs in return for what we need. When either partner tries to change that law of nature, the yin/yang dynamic that sustains and builds relationships dies. The partner screwing up that dynamic needs to *see* more clearly that they are wrong and stop trying to change it based on how they feel. In the end, they lose, the relationship suffers and no one is happy. That's how that partition works when someone puts it up. It's like the great wall of China designed to separate, isolate and protect you from your mate.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

phantomfan said:


> Sex is the "gift" that women give to get affection/love and affection/love is the "gift" that men give to get sex....


I don't know why I use metaphors like, 'partition' on an internet discussion forum. They always fall flat and I really do know better. Just lazy, I guess...

I think we might be talking about two different things.

'Affection' is defined as, "The feeling of fondness or liking and/or the physical expressions of these feelings."

Humans have a million and one different ways of expressing affection for each other, but we have strict social mores governing the ones that are sexual in nature. For example, I feel a great deal of affection towards my sisters and my aged mother, but physical expressions of that affection don't ever take the form of long strolls in the moonlight, slow dancing or massages with hot oil.

People sometimes like to speak of 'non-sexual' forms of affection between married couples, but unless they're talking about a rough 'man-hug' like we'd give a father or brother or a dry little peck on the cheek like we'd give a mother or sister, I really think they're marching into a logical cul-de-sac. 

If the act of affection in question would not be appropriate with anyone else besides a sexual partner, then it should be self evident that it is to one degree or another, sexual in nature. Therefore I don't see a real strong basis for drawing a division or erecting a partition between "affection" and "sex." I don't think they're mutually exclusive 

Yet that is the assertion implicit in expressing them as contrasting correlatives. 

(I realize this is a man's perspective and women may strongly disagree )


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