# Never thought I'd be here



## al_in_al (Feb 4, 2009)

My husband moved out today.

It is a complete shock to me that it has gone this far, although I guess it shouldn't be. About a year ago, when I confronted him on issues that were bothering me, he told me that he was thinking about leaving and wasn't sure he wanted to be married anymore (that was the actual shock). In December, I confronted him again (I believe he was having an emotional affair) and told him that I was thinking about separation because he wouldn't discusss my concerns with me - he said he would move out. After a few days passed, we made up. Of course, we never talked about specific change to our relationship, and now he's gone.

I desperately want him back (I hope for all the right reasons, and not just because I don't want to be alone). He has said that we can communicate, and we agreed to email. I sent the first email, but I am pacing myself and will only write more when he responds. I am trying not to sound desperate (supressing my urge to beg!), but I really want him to know how I feel about certain things. For example, when he first mentioned 'temporary' in regards to moving out, I flipped a little. Why did I do that? Of course I want a trial separation first, so that was my first email to him. I also mentioned that I wasn't going to give up on the marriage.

(I know why I flipped, it was because, after sitting and staring at each other for hours NOT talking, he had to leave and decides to tell me all these important decisions he's made as he's getting ready to walk out the door.)

Our big issue is communication. I've been trying to work on it this past year, but I've still got problems. I'm not sure he has worked on it at all, even though I mentioned that communication is key.

So my biggest problem is that I don't really know WHY he left. It is possible that he doesn't really know, but he obviously knows more than he has told me. He said previously that he has changed a lot since we met (we've been together for 9 years, married 4.5, we're both 29), but hasn't gone into specifics. He thinks that "society" pushed him to get married. It certainly wasn't me - he was always the big proponent of marriage. He wishes he had time to live alone for a while before he met me. He is newly popular and doesn't want to be accountable to me anymore.

His other issues with me are sex (I REALLY improved last year, and expressed desire to improve more, but maybe it was too late), and my lack of local friends. Both were issues before we were married, and they are the only two concrete problems he's talked about with me.

So how do I win him back? There isn't some big wrong that I've committed. I'm sure it's lots of small things that he never mentioned to me, in order to avoid conflict. I do plan on pointing out changes I've made recently (all before he left!), but I'm pretty sure he's noticed them already. I know I just need to give him time and space, and all I can really do is wait for him to decide what he wants, but I'm so afraid that this will end in divorce. Or a real affair.

But I can't tell him anything more until he writes back! So, I'm keeping a journal of my thoughts, and posting here for your advice.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

I think you are on the right track, but maybe you are talking and not communicating. It is hard for a person to go from not know to being popular without wondering what else these new doors can offer. I have seen that many times. But he never really had that party stage alone, so he might be wondering. He mentioned issues but although you heard them it seems you didn't take them as seriously as he did.

Keep the e-mails flowing and read what you write before sending it in haste. Maybe you can re-connect with him.

draconis


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## pairofduces (Dec 28, 2008)

Pardon me for asking but since this feels close to home:

"His other issues with me are sex (I REALLY improved last year, and expressed desire to improve more, but maybe it was too late), and my lack of local friends."

Can you elaborate on that?

Thanks!


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## al_in_al (Feb 4, 2009)

I had a very low sex drive for pretty much all of our relationship. But when I turned 28 I suddenly had that drive. I literally begged him for sex on my birthday. In the past year, I have been initiating much more often, and never saying no.

I know that the infrequent sex bothered him, but he never brought it up. I always had to bring up another issue first, and then he would mention it. Yes, I should have worked on this sooner. But he did want to marry me, knowing that I had this problem.

I always told him that he lack of drive was all related to me and not to him. He was my first and only boyfriend (I know, not ideal) and the only man I've ever really desired sexually. Of course he thinks that I never desired him at all, which I know isn't true. 

As for the friends thing, I am a shy person. For my entire life, I basically have had only one good friend at a time. I moved several times, and have a couple of friends spread out over the country. 

When I moved here, my husband was my first friend and while I did talk to other people, I never formed any real friendships. And this all seemed pretty normal to me. The first time my husband mentioned that my lack of friends bothered him was this year.


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## pairofduces (Dec 28, 2008)

After over a year or so of a similar problem my wife finally said that the reason she wasn't interested in sex is because she doesn't feel good about herself physically. This was literally three days ago. Two days ago (with no prodding from me) she decided to the gym. I never felt that she was fat and find her extremely desirable - and told her so. So this was a bit odd for me.

She has a large family and only three friends that I know of but they live a distance away. She really only talks to her sister or mother. I want her to have friends to go out with so that she is an individual but she seems content to just be with her family. It drives me nuts too.

So I bring this up because these two issues (and others) have been the source of issues that nearly led to a divorce for us about 4 weeks ago. What I discovered is that what my wife was communicating originally was not entirely the full story.

You both need to decide what your willing to live with forever. If you can agree to it, fine. If not - you have work to do.


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## al_in_al (Feb 4, 2009)

> After over a year or so of a similar problem my wife finally said that the reason she wasn't interested in sex is because she doesn't feel good about herself physically.


A few years ago, I lost weight and was feeling better about myself physically, and sex did improve somewhat, but not enough to overcome my low sex drive.

Actually, my husband admitted to me that the best sex he ever experienced with me was on our wedding night (when I was at my heaviest). He waited 4 years to mention this to me! Thinking about it now, I'm sure that it was the closeness and expression of love throughout that day that had an impact on me. I wish I had realized his feelings earlier, we could have worked to recapture some of that.



> I want her to have friends to go out with so that she is an individual but she seems content to just be with her family.


Even though I don't have friends, I still feel like an individual. I work. I certainly have my own interests and hobbies, even if I tend to do them alone. I just always wanted to be with my husband rather than searching for other relationships. I didn't realize that was so "wrong" until now.


Unfortunately, there hasn't been much email flow. He's busy with his friends and activities, and hasn't written about any of his feelings yet. It isn't very encouraging.


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## Kbobby (Feb 5, 2009)

Hi

I am sorry to hear of your current situation.

You need to be strong, especially emotionally.

Your husband moving out is NOT the end of your marriage. He needs some time and space to think abt his marriage. Let him search himself. Try not to speculate what he can or want to do. Let him know that you respect his decision to move out, and keep the emails flowing, exchange info with each other. Being alone, there is a big chance that he can see something. He needs to sort this out... himself.

As for you, strengthen your mind and emotion. Avoid thinking those negative stuff. Go for a run, take up a sports... Pick a hobby.. make new friends... You need strength to go through this period. learn to be happy, have fun if you can, and laugh if there is opportunity. Yes, you may also want to do some soul searching for yourself too.

Kbobby
yup2life.com


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## pairofduces (Dec 28, 2008)

Actually, my husband admitted to me that the best sex he ever experienced with me was on our wedding night (when I was at my heaviest).​
It's funny you mention that because some of the best sex we had was when my wife was very pregnant!

I think you are right tho - self image is only part of it - drive has to be impacted other ways.


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## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

You mentioned you think your husband might have had an emotional affair? This could be what has precipitated this split. I know that's what happened to my marriage. I also have gotten some clarity on the situation with therapy. I really suggest you get a referral from your family doctor and go. Give your husband some time on his own without you in his life. I don't know why people think if they convince their spouse long enough they should be together they will be. :scratchhead: These reunions generally don't last anyway, you're just back to square one without proper follow through or councelling. Besides, let your husband live his own life for a while. I am a firm believer in destiny. If he truly loves you and remembers what you two had he'll get through this breakdown and come calling again. You might just find with therapy and perspective you don't want him back!! If you readily make yourself available and waiting he's going to think "oh I can just go back anytime I want. I'll just play the field until then." I know it hurts. I have been there. It is devastating. However, love yourself and treat yourself well. He was pretty awful to you. Just keep thinking about that. Good Luck


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## al_in_al (Feb 4, 2009)

> Your husband moving out is NOT the end of your marriage


Thanks. I'm really trying to believe this, but it is hard. I am not a very patient person, and that is something I am trying to work on.


> I also have gotten some clarity on the situation with therapy. I really suggest you get a referral from your family doctor and go.


I made an appointment for therapy today, but the first opening they had was in three weeks. I was hoping for something sooner (impatience!), but I'm really glad that I made the call.


> As for you, strengthen your mind and emotion. Avoid thinking those negative stuff. Go for a run, take up a sports... Pick a hobby.. make new friends... You need strength to go through this period.


I am actually feeling better than I anticipated. I was actually happy yesterday. I'm a little on the sad side today, but feel good about taking positive steps, like the therapy. I'm still doing my usual exercises - walking and elliptical. I started a bowling league this week and I've been taking an art class. I just picked up some extra (and fun!) work responsibilities. There is a lot of good to focus on.

I have trouble avoiding the negative thoughts, so I've been writing them down to try to get them out of my head.


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## al_in_al (Feb 4, 2009)

I'd like an opinion on something.

When he moved out, I asked my husband to let me know ahead of time when he is coming to the house. If I'm here, I don't want to be startled when I realize someone else is in the house with me. If I drive up and see he's here, I don't want my emotions to go crazy (I guess the alternative is to drive away and gather myself first).

So, today, he picked up some of his stuff (he still has a lot here), and didn't let me know. He sent me an email after the fact. I'm sure he assumed that I would be at work and it wouldn't be a problem, but it still bothers me that he ignored my request.

Is that unreasonable of me? Should I ignore it? Should I call him out on it, or am I being too controlling? Can I ask him again in a polite way (instead of my first reaction - wanting to know if he knew what "before" meant - yeah, I know that's not the right approach)? I didn't give him any other rules.


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