# No Sex or Affection - ED Wives



## Chore (Jul 15, 2013)

Ok, I'll see if this is the right place to post. 

My hubby has ED. Whether it is physical or emotional, has not been determined.
We have tried:
- meds
- pump, rings
- seeing a counselor (him)
- "fake it until you make it"
- morning ambush (me)
- being extra cute and flirty (me)
- waiting until he "wants" it
****** crickets chirping *****

I have researched the possible reasons why a man might experience ED:
- Low testosterone
- Smoking
- Diabetes
- His wife makes more money than he does
- His wife makes less money
- His wife is more attractive than he is
- His wife is less attractive
- He's stressed about work, money, family ..... etc.
- Being pressured to have sex

The last time my Hubby and I made love, he seemed to enjoy it, and I got emotional and said - "Can we PLEASE do this more often?"
Well, that was 8 months ago.

I get it - sex is just no fun when you have to take a pill, use a gizmo, etc. Just not worth it to him, I guess. But if there's one thing I've learned, is that men will stop at nothing to do what makes them happy. Picture your guy's hobby. Golfing? Fishing? Tennis? Look at the planning, time, expense involved in that.

I run the gamut of emotion, depending upon the day, but overall I feel that it's just such a darned shame, it shouldn't have to be this way.
I know, whatever the cause, that his problem is "performance anxiety". So that leaves me without even any affection at all. He has even blamed me in the past for not having enough sex - trust me, this is a deflection, and not me pushing him away. It is easier for him to complain than to do something about it.
So after 20 years of marriage, I'm not going to leave my husband, whom I love, or seek affection elsewhere. I guess sex is just for other people.
I'm defeated, and just try not to be hurt by this, because I feel like I've tried everything, and he doesn't care how this affects me.
So I'd like to hear from other ED wives who have been left in the dust because of their husband's problem.


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## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

Has he gone to the doctor? You need to talk with him and tell him how important this is to your marriage. Been there done that. Mine has low T and the shots have helped. We swept the sex issue under the rug for years. I finally lost it and he saw the doctor. His also has some psychological components too, and those are the hardest to overcome and can lead to dry spells in our intimacy. That's when we have to talk and I let him know how I feel and how its affecting our marriage. I don't want to be one of those couples that drifts apart and when the kids leave there's nothing left.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

This is sad. I'm really sorry. It is so confusing. I have read a lot of stories like yours so I am guessing this is a very complex issue for some men and they just can't seem to navigate it. I knew one woman who had a great highly sexual marriage for 20 years and then her H became ED very quickly and severely. She just thought they would work with it but apparently, that wasn't in the cards for him. He took sex off the table without consulting her about it. She was left baffled and sexless. 

He had some meds but he only used them to masturbate apparently. It seemed that to have sex with her was just too anxiety provoking and he wouldn't go near it. No affection either.

She struggled like you for many years and now has resigned herself to a sexless life. But she resents the hell out of him, because he is still MB with the only precious little energy he can muster but gives nothing of himself to her.

How are you managing to live with the resentment? It just seems like it would blow me up.


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## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

Have him read the book "Great Sex" by Michael Castleman. Step by step instructions for performance anxiety ED.

I personally don't allow meds because it just masks the anxiety and what's causing it. Men with this issue become obsessed with their erections and using them. Sex becomes robotic and rushed. They feel like failures and desire is squashed....desire for any affection (the book explains all of this). Men tend do deal with things in silence which we interpret as ignoring the problem. 

Anyway get the book (HE HAS TO READ IT) and report back!

BTW did you read any of the forums out there? Or more importantly did he? I would give him an ultimatum if I felt I needed to.


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## rush (Mar 29, 2013)

As a man with ED also I hope he goes to the doctor, mine was due to prostate removal due to cancer. Let me tell you there is no easy way to go through this. My wife has not been real supportive and I am devasted yet. I do take injections for erections but I usually have to beg for sex. Not the way it ought to be if you ask me. And yes I have tried talking to her. Same thing still continues. I wish I had an answer too.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

I have been left in the dust. My husband says he has low testosterone and ED. It has been a very hard 4 years.. He has yet to go to the Dr and I can't make him. It drives me crazy. He says it is his problem, not mine.. But the thing he doesn't realize is that it is my problem too.. It is effecting our marriage. And then you add porn the the mix and it turns out to be disaster. 

After I blow up and lose it, things change for a a couple of months, then it repeats to the same old song and dance. 

It isn't just about sex, it is affection that totally stopped also. I am physical and I need to be touched even in a non sexual way.. So we will see what happens this time around, but I am not going to hold my breath again, because It will more then likely happen again. If it does then i am afraid I can't do it anymore.


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## rush (Mar 29, 2013)

Well from a mans point of view I am sure he is hurting too, but he needs to see a urologist. There are options out there. Hopefully he will go and find something that works, I am a man of very few words and is hard to share my feelings but its getting to the point I am about to overflow here. Same thing for years even before I had ED, I don't talk enough to her but its just the way I am and she married me but I do try hard to talk these days and no change.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

My husband has ED. Sex dwindled and then died completely for 3 1/2 years. So did pretty much all physical contact.

I couldn't cope with it and in the end I threatened to leave. And I meant it. We have been married for over 22 years and get on well, by and large. But the elephant in the room was just too awful.

As it happens my threat to leave meant that my husband went to the doc and got Viagra and that works for us. Of course it means spontaneous sex is out of the window but he has been very good about fooling around if I want to, even if he's not up for a penetrative sex session.

If you are not prepared to threaten to leave (and mean it) then I am not sure what else to suggest. Seems like you have tried everything else. Maybe you can live with a sexless marriage long term. I thought I could, at first.


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## Chore (Jul 15, 2013)

I appreciate your responses, really I do. Hubby saw a urologist years ago, at my tearful begging. He got a "turn your head and cough" exam, and a prescription for Viagra. No tests, nothing. I suspect he has low testosterone, possibly thyroid out of whack. He's a heavy smoker - which I'm sure no doctor has ever told him is a leading cause of ED.
Makes me pretty angry at his doctors. He doesn't go unless he is at death's door.
And by the way, you need to see the doctor every year to refill your prescription, right? Well - it's been a few years.
If I were to threaten to leave, I'm pretty sure he would say "Buh-bye."
I feel like I have pushed this as far as I can - because after reading up on ED, being pressured just makes things worse, supposedly.
I just wish he could get a wake-up call - the co-worker who found out he had cancer and died in TWO weeks wasn't it, for example.
I'm at a really low place, and just trying to get through the days. I guess this all just turned out to be a "venting session" - it's not that I don't appreciate your suggestions, truly!
I guess I am resigned to the rest of my life living with a room-mate that I love ... it could be worse, right?


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## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

Next time it would be great if you said upfront that this was just a vent. It would save me the time it takes to respond to your posts concerning this issue. I'm beginning to understand why you have this issue. You want it to magically dissappear and it never will.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Chore said:


> I appreciate your responses, really I do. Hubby saw a urologist years ago, at my tearful begging. He got a "turn your head and cough" exam, and a prescription for Viagra. No tests, nothing. I suspect he has low testosterone, possibly thyroid out of whack. He's a heavy smoker - which I'm sure no doctor has ever told him is a leading cause of ED.
> Makes me pretty angry at his doctors. He doesn't go unless he is at death's door.
> And by the way, you need to see the doctor every year to refill your prescription, right? Well - it's been a few years.
> If I were to threaten to leave, I'm pretty sure he would say "Buh-bye."
> ...


That is just pathetic! Wake up woman! 

This will eat away at you, slowing building resentment turning you into a bitter, angry, vengeful woman who is a b!tch to everyone! Or you will slowly lose any sense of self esteem or self respect and become a wet noodle door mat who complains endlessly but doesn't have the vaginal strength to actually do anything about it.

Do you really want that?


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Chore said:


> I'm at a really low place, and just trying to get through the days. I guess this all just turned out to be a "venting session" - it's not that I don't appreciate your suggestions, truly! I guess I am resigned to the rest of my life living with a room-mate that I love ... it could be worse, right?



Yes, you may be venting. I thinks it's way more than that. My wife and I are roommates. It's only a matter of time before I get the courage to leave my wife. I just don't want to leave my best friend. Trust me it will happen eventually. It hurts too much.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Trickster said:


> Yes, you may be venting. I thinks it's way more than that. My wife and I are roommates. It's only a matter of time before I get the courage to leave my wife. I just don't want to leave my best friend. Trust me it will happen eventually. It hurts too much.


But she's not your best friend. A best friend doesn't cause the other to doubt themselves. A best friend actively builds the others confidence, makes them feel comfortable, comforted and accepted. Your wife is nothing more than a room mate Trickster.

You are stuck in "better the devil you know than don't know" and it's killing the dynamic man.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> That is just pathetic! Wake up woman!
> 
> This will eat away at you, slowing building resentment turning you into a bitter, angry, vengeful woman who is a b!tch to everyone! Or you will slowly lose any sense of self esteem or self respect and become a wet noodle door mat who complains endlessly but doesn't have the vaginal strength to actually do anything about it.
> 
> Do you really want that?


I agree. Like I said, I thought I could cope, but in the end it boiled up into the most seething mass of resentment. And I had an affair. If you are just going to live with it you will need to watch yourself carefully.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

Chore said:


> I have researched the possible reasons why a man might experience ED:....



To this list you can add high blood pressure, poor vascular and/or cardiac health, low tolerance to alcohol and/or caffeine, smoking and a list of common drugs as long as your arm. 

I'm so sorry.


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## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> ...not your best friend. A best friend actively builds the others confidence, makes them feel comfortable, comforted and accepted...


Chore, critically, I don't think you said to what extent your husband was doing everything (anything?) possible, apart from PIV? During one of our dry spells, my wife had some reason or other she wasn't up for PIV, and then when she refused me just a bit of fondling while I stimulated myself, it really left me grudge holding mad. I should have focused on "hurt" and not judged her, and focused on my missteps in the marriage, avoiding "mad."

Which brings me to my next point. "Threats" have been suggested. With the important exception of someone who's failed to communicate just how very hurt they are, in the context of an otherwise viable marriage, I'm pretty skeptical that any good will come out of threats. That said, if you consistently, lovingly, and painfully express what the situation is doing to you, your husband might very well by motivated by he himself pondering the possibility of your leaving.

Also, don't regret your "venting." While working through one of our problems just the other day, I printed much of your beautifully written posting, leaving it, together with bits of a couple of other postings on the kitchen counter for my wife to ponder. (I assure you my quoting was respectful.)


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I don't know how you could stay, It would destroy me.... It would affect every part of my life... the resentment would EAT ME ALIVE -the fact he is using what little sexual energy he has, using his meds to go it solo...while you suffer.....I would see this as complete betrayal...pure selfishness....he's given up on caring for his wife, her needs..

So as Faithful WIfe has asked... how are you dealing with the daily resentment ? 

If you have never read this, it captures your dilemma and truly what you have lost... are you sure you can live with this?



> This is What a Sexless Marriage Feels Like - And yet
> 
> This post is not about virtue. It is not an ask for sympathy. It attempts to explore what I've learned about sex and sexuality since sex ended within my long-term relationship. I won't say much about why, because half of it is not my story to tell and I have no right. Just know that because of illness and after sharing a normal, monogamous, sexually active relationship for nearly a decade, my spouse suddenly lost the need, desire, and passion for sex.
> 
> ...


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## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

The above post resonates so deeply with me and how I have struggled in my sexless marriage.


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## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

bestyet2be said:


> Chore, critically, I don't think you said to what extent your husband was doing everything (anything?) possible, apart from PIV? During one of our dry spells, my wife had some reason or other she wasn't up for PIV, and then when she refused me just a bit of fondling while I stimulated myself, it really left me grudge holding mad. I should have focused on "hurt" and not judged her, and focused on my missteps in the marriage, avoiding "mad."
> 
> Which brings me to my next point. "Threats" have been suggested. With the important exception of someone who's failed to communicate just how very hurt they are, in the context of an otherwise viable marriage, I'm pretty skeptical that any good will come out of threats. That said, if you consistently, lovingly, and painfully express what the situation is doing to you, your husband might very well by motivated by he himself pondering the possibility of your leaving.
> 
> Also, don't regret your "venting." While working through one of our problems just the other day, I printed much of your beautifully written posting, leaving it, together with bits of a couple of other postings on the kitchen counter for my wife to ponder. (I assure you my quoting was respectful.)



A "threat" worked in my marriage. There is only so much emotional expression one can do before you become desperate for change. It was not an idle way to get attention it was a cry for help. I was going to leave if something didn't change. I had suffered for 10 years. My husband got the wakeup call he needed. We started talking...constantly. It turned around. We still have issues but he's not hiding any more or running away. He realizes that if he becomes complacent in the marriage I am going to walk away. My happiness matters. Just like the above post explains, it's not just about sex. Sex holds the key to everything else.


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

FemBot said:


> Have him read the book "Great Sex" by Michael Castleman...
> 
> I personally don't allow meds ...
> 
> ...


Wow! Better make certain your DH is sincerely beta before attempting this level of control. 

Talk to him, don't just tell him what you need. Tell him how it feels to have your needs ignored. Words like hopeless, worthless & abandoned might be right here.


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## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

Jung_admirer said:


> Talk to him, don't just tell him what you need. Tell him how it feels to have your needs ignored. Words like hopeless, worthless & abandoned might be right here.


Yes! and oops, I missed the "or Affection" right in the title. I feel like until recently I failed to express the magnitude of the problem to my wife. I guess a threat to leave does have a chance of breaking through with the magnitude of the problem to an emotionally deaf spouse.

Throughout my life there have been so many situations where threats seemed so utterly appropriate, deserved, and even necessary, and yet failed to result in anything, except the hardening of hearts.

If one's spouse destroyed the sex and affection because of an underlying fear of abandonment, "these various problems make me think I might be abandoned, so I'm going to cut off the sex and affection first, because I (foolishly) think it won't hurt as much as if my spouse cuts me later," a threat to leave might be a particularly bad idea.

Overall, I find the idea that anyone could be threatened into being a more loving person confusing.


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## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> -the fact he is using what little sexual energy he has, using his meds to go it solo...


Uh, I think that was from reply #3, not the original poster at all.

Beautiful quote about what lack of sex feels like, except that the gender specific elements are very sad. I realize, at least to some degree, I've ignorantly thought that men suffered in these regards, more than women, and clearly a lot of women are under the impression that women suffer from these feelings more than men.


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## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

Jung_admirer said:


> Wow! Better make certain your DH is sincerely beta before attempting this level of control.
> 
> Talk to him, don't just tell him what you need. Tell him how it feels to have your needs ignored. Words like hopeless, worthless & abandoned might be right here.


Wow! You have no idea what my marriage was like. You have no idea what I have endured. Do you have any idea how many times I have told him "how it feels" and he did nothing? His need to run away took precedence over my needs and feelings. We had zillions of conversations over this issue...much like the OP. 

I made no attempt to control him. I only told him that if he didn't do the things I asked I was walking away. It was his choicd. In the end he was/is so very grateful. I really hate how the term "beta" is constantly thrown around. What does beta have to do with a woman standing up for herself in a marriage?


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

FemBot said:


> Wow! You have no idea what my marriage was like. You have no idea what I have endured. Do you have any idea how many times I have told him "how it feels" and he did nothing? His need to run away took precedence over my needs and feelings. We had zillions of conversations over this issue...much like the OP.
> 
> I made no attempt to control him. I only told him that if he didn't do the things I asked I was walking away. It was his choicd. In the end he was/is so very grateful. I really hate how the term "beta" is constantly thrown around. What does beta have to do with a woman standing up for herself in a marriage?


My comments were meant for the OP. I was suggesting she think carefully before implementing the advice that clearly worked well for you. I certainly do not know you well enough to offer an opinion on your relationship, I wonder why you assumed I was speaking directly to you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

^^ you directly quoted me and then attempted to shame me because I, as a woman, put my foot down within my relationship. I realize the rest was directed at the OP but the first few lines were used to comment on my relationship. The term "wow!" Is a judgment that I wanted to clear up.


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

FemBot said:


> ^^ you directly quoted me and then attempted to shame me because I, as a woman, put my foot down within my relationship. I realize the rest was directed at the OP but the first few lines were used to comment on my relationship. The term "wow!" Is a judgment that I wanted to clear up.


Your words did trigger me as my interjection triggered you. Next time I will take a few minutes and leave the "Wow" off the message. My intention was to point out what I think is poor advice ... not what you inferred, to shame a person I am not acquainted with.

Perhaps you will agree there is a message I wish send, which may or may not resemble the message as it was received. For that ambiguity, I do apologize. 

<thread hijack ended>


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## Chore (Jul 15, 2013)

Jung Admirer, I appreciate what you said, originally, and did not see it as a negative comment to anyone, rather I saw it as advice to be cautious. And Fembot, your are to be admired as a very strong woman who gets what she wants, and I'm glad that works for you.
I've always believed that you can't MAKE someone love you, and that you can only change yourself. I've always been a loving, faithful, kind and understanding wife, friend, person. Because that's who I am. Does that make me weak?
I love my husband. I feel sorry he has problems. I have tried in numerous ways to help him. I convinced him to see a therapist (long ago). I convinced him to see a doctor, and he got The Pills. I've tried various other tactics, as listed above. After 20 years together, I know exactly how he will react to anything else I try. He feels so low, he tries pushing me away, and reacts with silence, sulking, and hiding in hobbies. It truly has become a vicious cycle.
I'm not looking for magic cures. And I really appreciate everyone who has posted their experiences and thoughts - it has given me a lot to think about.


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## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

Chore said:


> Jung Admirer, ... I've always been a loving, faithful, kind and understanding wife, friend, person. Because that's who I am. Does that make me weak?


I don't know. Do you feel you'd be unable to be decisive and brutal, if whatever life situation required it? Just from the little bit you've written I doubt it.

Seems like people who are fundamentally emotionally secure are surprised when their kindness is interpreted as weakness.

Understanding the exact situation as only she could, FemBot must have made a good choice to put her foot down and be decisive, if not necessarily brutal, because the outcome was good. She had the right recipe for the situation.

Wow! What might Carl Jung say? (Just can't resist!)









"The shoe that fits one person pinches another; there is no recipe for living that suits all cases."

"Where love reigns, there is no will to power; and where the will to power is paramount, love is lacking. The one is but the shadow of the other."

"We cannot change anything until we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses."

"The greatest and most important problems of life are all fundamentally insoluble. They can never be solved but only outgrown."


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## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

Yes my advice came from a place of experience. I have been EXACTLY where you are right now Chore. I tried to help, he went to the dr, he got the pills, we talked about the issue, i remained steadfast in my compassion etc etc. nothing changed (in him) until I told him I was ready to leave. Sometimes the other person hits rock bottom on their own before they want to change and sometimes you create a rock bottom for them. This is what I chose to do. It was the "intervention" my husband needed but make no mistake I was ready to leave. It was not an idle threat.

The only thing we have to offer is our advice based on our experiences. I'm not sure how many of the above posters have lived what we have lived. How many of them actually lead sexless lives due to ED? Is the advice based on experience?

Anyway all the best


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

Chore said:


> Jung Admirer, I appreciate what you said, originally, and did not see it as a negative comment to anyone, rather I saw it as advice to be cautious. And Fembot, your are to be admired as a very strong woman who gets what she wants, and I'm glad that works for you.
> I've always believed that you can't MAKE someone love you, and that you can only change yourself. I've always been a loving, faithful, kind and understanding wife, friend, person. Because that's who I am. Does that make me weak?
> I love my husband. I feel sorry he has problems. I have tried in numerous ways to help him. I convinced him to see a therapist (long ago). I convinced him to see a doctor, and he got The Pills. I've tried various other tactics, as listed above. After 20 years together, I know exactly how he will react to anything else I try. He feels so low, he tries pushing me away, and reacts with silence, sulking, and hiding in hobbies. It truly has become a vicious cycle.
> I'm not looking for magic cures. And I really appreciate everyone who has posted their experiences and thoughts - it has given me a lot to think about.


I see you are doing the work to take care of yourself and asking, why can't your partner do the same? There is a basic rule of cognitive psych that states we encourage or incentivate the behavior we find objectionable (alas, my tagline). Thus your reference to IC, changing yourself, is spot on. What you are looking for is change that comes from an inward understanding of self (i.e. growth). Ultimatums will almost certainly lead to change, do they really lead to growth? (and is that what you want for yourself? for your partner?)

So what would make you appear weak? The inability to express your needs to your partner. The acceptance of a partner that is emotionally unavailable, unresponsive or unengaged (A.R.E., Sue Johnson). 

You said your husband is feeling low. I was feeling low, worthless in fact. My partner of 22 yrs tried to reach me, but her efforts were perceived as controlling, not as kind interventions. Such is often the case in the emotional fog of despair. I have an idea or two how you might approach this gently, please PM me.


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## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

Jung Admirer I would definitely encourage you to put your ideas up in this thread. I was very desperate at one time and had a lot of trouble finding any good sound advice on how to approach this topic. The way I chose to deal with it worked for me and might work for others but it might not be everyone's cup of tea. Some women may be too scared to give ultimatum's (their perogative). In the spirit of helping others I urge you to share


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Jung_admirer said:


> You said your husband is feeling low. I was feeling low, worthless in fact. My partner of 22 yrs tried to reach me, but her efforts were perceived as controlling, not as kind interventions. Such is often the case in the emotional fog of despair. I have an idea or two how you might approach this gently, please PM me.



Please share with the class? I would like to hear your ideas or suggestions on this matter.


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## Chore (Jul 15, 2013)

Yes, please - it needs to be in an open forum, or not at all. I don't do private chats with strangers. I'm already waaaay out of my comfort zone even posting here.


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## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

Chore said:


> Yes, please - (share).


I was waiting to read more here, too, though maybe my specific questions belong in another thread.

Reviewing the postings, I feel LD and ED are being confused. At least I'm confused.

After reading in the original post that, "..sex is just no fun when you have to take a pill, use a gizmo, etc.," and so on, I was mis-perceiving there was just a sex problem, rather than a sex and affection problem, as was in fact clearly stated in the title.

I don't understand whether the lack of affection (both in the original posting and various others) is due to sexual frustration, unrelated problems in the relationship, or something totally different. A few years ago I got to the point that I didn't look at my wife all that often, because 19 out of 20 times when I'd initiate she'd say "tonight," or "tomorrow," or "this weekend," and then 99 out of 100 times when whatever time arrived it was then just, "No." (or being put off for some new future time). Although I stayed in the mindset to still enjoy the too rare times we did have sex, my wife is better looking than women half her age, and I wanted to avoid arousal from looking or touching, which would just lead to painful frustration.

So when I keep reading that ED men are avoiding all kinds of sexualish affection and intimacy, I'm assuming the reason is their wanting to avoid the frustration of not being able to continue on to climax? Then again, I thought with enough stimulation, climax could be reached even while relatively flaccid, in which case the problem is maybe ejaculatory dysfunction, rather than erectile dysfunction?

If I was on fire with craving, and my wife felt the same, but my c0ck refused to wake up, I'd be running to the doctor's office to get a prescription for the much advertised ED pills, which I read so many ED men refuse to do. So is ED just an excuse for LD ???!!!??? I'm guessing the truth is that emerging ED is usually the last nail in the coffin of an LD situation?

I don't personally feel I'm about to become either LD or ED, but after around half a century of life, I suppose I should be prepared. You'd think at my age I'd know more, but reading all the stuff other people clearly misunderstand, I'm sure not the only one.


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

Chore said:


> Yes, please - it needs to be in an open forum, or not at all.


ED is a huge confidence killer for many men(mine was temporary, from type II diabetes). You begin to doubt your masculinity and to some extent your basic role in the relationship. Whether true or not, you just don't feel a female partner can understand the shame, the extreme blow to self-esteem and the failure as a partner you perceive. It's the elephant in the room.

I don't think there a message you can convey that will change his surrender to this condition. However, if you can convey the feelings ... how it feels to have this expression of love from a partner, and how it feel to go without ... this talks to the very core of a person. Such a sharing needs to be conducted in a very safe and supportive framework. Here is the framework that worked for my partner and I: 

Articles by Dr. Sue Johnson

You are in a very difficult position being connected to a partner that has ED. Your needs are still there (so are his), and you probably feel them more acutely, in much the same way the HD posters discuss their frustrations. IC can help some, but you still need to be well attuned, very sensitive and very patient with your partner's vulnerabilities at this time.

He needs to feel that every unsuccessful sexual encounter was a step in the right direction. That you will work together and find a way. He may believe you deserve better. Convince him that you have already found the man of your dreams. He already knows you are worth the effort. 

One way to release some of the tension: Viagra needs about a 30 min lead time ... not very spontaneous for any of us. Consider creating a pre-game to consume that time in a fun way (allow your minds to wander, release some tension). I don't think the format matters as long as it is something you both enjoy: Talk a walk, shower, then engage. Equally sharing a foot massage, or whatever floats your boat. Kindest Regards-


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Jung_admirer said:


> ED is a huge confidence killer for many men(mine was temporary, from type II diabetes). You begin to doubt your masculinity and to some extent your basic role in the relationship. Whether true or not, you just don't feel a female partner can understand the shame, the extreme blow to self-esteem and the failure as a partner you perceive. It's the elephant in the room.


ED is a huge confidence killer and shame and being cheated on can cost a huge chunk of loss of confidence and result in ED.



Jung_admirer said:


> I don't think there a message you can convey that will change his surrender to this condition. However, if you can convey the feelings ... how it feels to have this expression of love from a partner, and how it feel to go without ... this talks to the very core of a person. Such a sharing needs to be conducted in a very safe and supportive framework. Here is the framework that worked for my partner and I:


True



Jung_admirer said:


> Articles by Dr. Sue Johnson
> 
> You are in a very difficult position being connected to a partner that has ED. Your needs are still there (so are his), and you probably feel them more acutely, in much the same way the HD posters discuss their frustrations. IC can help some, but you still need to be well attuned, very sensitive and very patient with your partner's vulnerabilities at this time.


I believe over half of ED cases are treatable without any pharmaceuticals. Pharmaceuticals can be used to bridge the gap until sexual confidence is sufficiently strengthened.



Jung_admirer said:


> He needs to feel that every unsuccessful sexual encounter was a step in the right direction. That you will work together and find a way. He may believe you deserve better. Convince him that you have already found the man of your dreams. He already knows you are worth the effort.
> 
> One way to release some of the tension: Viagra needs about a 30 min lead time ... not very spontaneous for any of us. Consider creating a pre-game to consume that time in a fun way (allow your minds to wander, release some tension). I don't think the format matters as long as it is something you both enjoy: Talk a walk, shower, then engage. Equally sharing a foot massage, or whatever floats your boat. Kindest Regards-


Cialis is better in this regards, being that it is in the system for 36-48 hrs.


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## KAM1959 (Aug 28, 2013)

It seems that you have ran the gammon of possibilities of why things are not working. However, inactivity in the sex department is not entirely a male issue. In short lack of desire is gender neutral. The bottom line is "were there's a will there's a way". If you need aides than use them but first there must be a will to be sexually active. Sex is very important in marriage and I would say a necessity. Nevertheless, you can go through the motions, use every aide on the market whether pill or tool it still requires the human will. In fact you can see the greatest sex doctors in the nation but with out the will nothing will work. 
I don't mean to sound cold on the matter but it is the most simple fact of all everything and anything is possible when the person applies there simple human will. 
I am a man in the same position that you are when it comes to my wife. in the past 6- 7 years we have been intimate about 10 times or so. I have talked to her about because it probably is a medical matter because we have been married for 33 yrs. and together for 34 yrs. So we are not spring chickens. However, she refuses to even see the doctor regarding the matter even though there are medications that will remedy the matter. That is a simple act of will. She simple is not willing to admit there is a problem, whether to herself or to me. 
I personally am at my wits end as well, and I have reached the point of considering having an affair. Because I simply don't know what to do. When thinks first started I thought there was something wrong with me and I really beat myself up. I tried to change everything about me, such as weight, hair clothing, etc. Nothing seem to make me more attractive to her. Then I started to think all kind of other things like she was having an affair, or maybe she became a lesbian when I was not looking. This only led me to greater confusion and frustration. 
Now my wife only acknowledges four things in life: 1. work, 2. the Pittsburg Steeler, 3. facebook, and 4. our sons who are grown men with their own families and cares. Thus anything outside the realm of these things it's alien. 
Therefore, I am in complete understanding with you situation and being in a similar one I have come to one conclusion the matter of simple human will. When it comes to our will the only one who has the power to change it is us as individuals. We can not change the will of our spouses. Nevertheless, we are the hurt ones in the deal and this is not fair! 
In closing, I wish I could share a solution with you but in truth as for me and you we can not change the will of our spouses, only they can do that and if they are comfortable the way things are then there is no incentive to make changes. 
Sorry if I don't seem supportive but I want to be honest with you because I am suffering the same pain.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

> if they are comfortable the way things are then there is no incentive to make changes.


Bingo!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I will admit to everyone that I am a guy with occasional ED issues. How do I compensate? I do oral on her, and get her off that way. There are lots of ways for a guy to give a woman an orgasm without PIV. It's a fun way to get creative and enjoy your partners body. Any man who won't do so is selfish.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Fembot,
Just in case there is any doubt: your post below is one of the most patronizing and insulting I have ever read on this board. 

No man on TAM would ever tell a woman he doesn't allow his female partners to use lube because it masks their underlying psychological problems. 

If you actually want to have a higher quality sexual experience, you need to eliminate the flaming rhetoric. Because a real MAN likes a genuinely strong woman. And that same type of MAN finds controlling women very tiresome. 




FemBot said:


> Have him read the book "Great Sex" by Michael Castleman. Step by step instructions for performance anxiety ED.
> 
> I personally don't allow meds because it just masks the anxiety and what's causing it. Men with this issue become obsessed with their erections and using them. Sex becomes robotic and rushed. They feel like failures and desire is squashed....desire for any affection (the book explains all of this). Men tend do deal with things in silence which we interpret as ignoring the problem.
> 
> ...


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Threetimesalady said:


> Double Bingo...If they are comfortable with the way they are and how the situation is, they not only will not change, they don't want to....This is especially true of some women as they age...Many have tolerated sex and welcome this new place in life...


Imagine if an LD situation feels even BETTER than sex for those true LD'ers...


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Threetimesalady said:


> I can't imagine nor I doubt she can, that the sex act has any bearing on her happiness....It is more of a relief that it won't happen....Sex is far back on her burner...Yet, she is also capable of finding someone out of the blue that can completely trip her trigger...None of us are body dead....It's her inner self that awakens...
> 
> *Near nine years ago I took my husband off Viagra...Did it in three months....He never knew what I was doing until I was done*...BUT, I am HL for him...He is also HL, but the age of man had crept up on him and he needed help...I was his helping hand and may I add at 77 years old and after heart surgery, he is one very happy man and I as his wife smile a lot...I feel when two people want for each other that drugs are not always necessary...This is just my thought as well as experience on this....


Now I have read this bolded statement before, and while I am not at all doubting you, I just wish you would provide some step by step directions and tips for those of us less blessed in the love department.


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## popz (Sep 5, 2013)

Chore, I relate to so much of your story. it is late here and I will read more in the morning. you are not alone i'm sure you know. I too may vent my feelings here now I have found somewhere with similar stories to my own. I too am just getting through the days i'm looking to find some strength and advice from other members and there stories.


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## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> I will admit to everyone that I am a guy with occasional ED issues. How do I compensate? I do oral on her, and get her off that way. There are lots of ways for a guy to give a woman an orgasm without PIV. It's a fun way to get creative and enjoy your partners body. Any man who won't do so is selfish.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Which gets back to my theory that ED is effectively just an excuse for neglecting your wife. Unless it's like, "Arghhh I've been doing all this with my wife and now my prostate (or whatever's in there) feels like it's going to explode, and the muscles lifting my balls have squeezed them so long they're turning blue, but I can't do anything about it!!!" Now that I could understand, but as far as I know, no one's saying that's the case...?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Threetimesalady said:


> I just want you to know that I do not hold any magic pill..instead *I hold the God given quality of being an active and very horny woman with a mind to match*....It was a very interesting experiment and has worked fantastic...I will do it next week...


I just have to say... You are my freakin hero! Love this!

I will wait for you to post on your thread in Long Term Marriage section.

You really do need to spend more time in SiM. I'm 50 but for some of the younger wives to hear from you...awesome!


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

After fWW's affair, I had problems for quite a while. This was emotional, of course. It was all in my head. But it was real. I'd never had such problems before. I'm 55 now, and the doc back then (about three+ years ago) said I was too young to have any physical problems like that. So there's only one other type of problem that will affect erections. 

Without telling W, I got a prescription (I forget the name now) and took those occasionally. They helped. And the fact that they helped, helped my head. I knew the body was able to do it, but my mind got in the way. 

I stopped the prescription and started some herbal and OTC things. Those don't seem to do much, but they helped. But it still took me a couple years to get my "c0ck confidence" back. I no longer need to take anything for a good stiffie. 

Another part of the problem for me was her lack of support. I understand now that while she was having her affair, i wasn't going to get any support out of her. But even after that, she thought it was an insult to her, or that I was thinking of someone else (yeah i was, OM) or some other issue. So some understanding and support from your spouse is really important. That assumes the man wants to fix things (who wouldn't?).

I hope that gives you some insight.


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## amanda23 (Jan 24, 2013)

My husband has ED as a result of a radical prostatectomy for prostate cancer. It has been a very difficult time for me (and of course for him also). He is on a rehabilitation program for his ED. He takes Viagra and does injections with trimix a few times a week. It has been almost a year from the date of his surgery, but he still has complete ED. 

We have maintained intimacy but it is not the same as before his surgery. I don't know what to do but to be supportive and try to make the best of the situation. I feel isolated. I have no one to talk to about this. My friends don't know that my husband has ED, since I consider it personal.

My husband's libido is way down from where it was before surgery. Before my husband had surgery I never thought about sex. We had regular sex and I enjoyed it, but I did not feel unfulfilled so did not think about sex much. Now I find myself thinking about it all of the time. It's not even the sex it's the feeling of being desired that I miss. Our intimate life now seems a shadow of what it used to be. I know that it is not me, it is just the situation. I get angry at my husband for not being more attentive to me - I am certainly not angry at him for his ED. He is struggling also, so I try to be patient and make the best of things.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

I guess I stand out as kind of an odd ball.

I have no T (or extremely low T) which caused me to go ED for a long while until I was able to figure out what the issue was.

For those of you against viagra - it was a blessing until I was able to get my T levels back up to normal. I do use it on occasion, however it is now the exception instead of the norm. 

With that being said - I am amazed that men let ED slow them down or even get embarressed by it. It's natural, especially if you have low T. 

For me, when I couldn't get it up - I was always "oh well, time for something else". It would be an all oral night. I would break out the toys and vibrators and smash her with them.

No way would I let ED prevent me from making her come or get in bewtween my time with the SO.. I don't understand why you would run away from it.

Again, that's just me and perhaps I'm just odd.


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## rush (Mar 29, 2013)

New drug coming for ED, Stendra. Hope for some..


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## Kisboros (Oct 20, 2013)

That's exactly what happened in my 18 years together until hubby decided to resolve the issue by having an affair with another frustrated married woman instead of resolving it with me. Affair was stopped (by me) after three months. We are going to counseling and are more affectionate and try to have sex, but he still cannot climax and I am afraid that sooner or later he will look for his mojo somewhere else where he can just let go


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## rush (Mar 29, 2013)

Keep working on it.


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## kimd (Oct 12, 2013)

edbopc said:


> As a man with ED also I hope he goes to the doctor, mine was due to prostate removal due to cancer. Let me tell you there is no easy way to go through this. My wife has not been real supportive and I am devasted yet. I do take injections for erections but I usually have to beg for sex. Not the way it ought to be if you ask me. And yes I have tried talking to her. Same thing still continues. I wish I had an answer too.


Very sorry for your ED. Did you have the nerve sparing prostate surgery where your nerves controlling your erections are preserved and not cut out with the prostate? Many men that have had their nerves spared can get erections naturally or with the aid of ED drugs Viagra & Cialis. A supportive wife is very important. Through my work I am familiar with men with ED and the devastation it causes.


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## rush (Mar 29, 2013)

kimd said:


> Very sorry for your ED. Did you have the nerve sparing prostate surgery where your nerves controlling your erections are preserved and not cut out with the prostate? Many men that have had their nerves spared can get erections naturally or with the aid of ED drugs Viagra & Cialis. A supportive wife is very important. Through my work I am familiar with men with ED and the devastation it causes.


yes I had nerve sparing surgery, they say it takes 2 years for recovery, it has been 1 year. I get firm at times but not hard. other people that have had surgery say it will never come back. I currently get erect a different way, pm me if you are interested. As far as I am concerned when a man has his prostate removed he should get mental counseling as well, like you said its devastating


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## LadyDee (Oct 1, 2013)

snerg said:


> I guess I stand out as kind of an odd ball.
> 
> I have no T (or extremely low T) which caused me to go ED for a long while until I was able to figure out what the issue was.
> 
> ...



What exactly did you use to get your T levels back up to normal?


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## Kisboros (Oct 20, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I don't know how you could stay, It would destroy me.... It would affect every part of my life... the resentment would EAT ME ALIVE -the fact he is using what little sexual energy he has, using his meds to go it solo...while you suffer.....I would see this as complete betrayal...pure selfishness....he's given up on caring for his wife, her needs..
> 
> So as Faithful WIfe has asked... how are you dealing with the daily resentment ?
> 
> If you have never read this, it captures your dilemma and truly what you have lost... are you sure you can live with this?


This made me cry; I could have written it word for word.


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