# What's the best way to tell the kids about trial separation?



## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

*What's the best way to tell the kids about trial separation? UPDATE - dragging feet?*

Well, it's inevitable. He thinks the only way to work on us is to go stay with his parents for awhile. He says he spends every night waiting for an argument or discussion. Funny thing is, he starts most of them. But that's beside the point. So we are going to do a trial separation. I told him up front I wanted to sit down together and tell the kids. Then, I wanted to give a few days or a week for them to ask questions and get used to the idea. I also wanted that time to figure out ground rules. 

I initiated discussion of the terms on Thursday evening via email. He replied by responding to most of them with his own input, agreeing on most. But we didn't talk about when. He made an off comment about how he wouldn't be here this weekend, so I reiterated how important it was for the kids to have time to process, and they are my primary concern. He says ok. But then, instead of leaving for good on Friday, he goes over to his parents after one of the kids is in bed and stays until 2:30am. Then he comes home and picks a fight with me and we go to bed angry. Saturday, he starts a discussion via text at dinner. Yes, a married couple texting a discussion back and forth for 2 hours at the same table. :scratchhead: We come home, put the kids to bed, and exchange a few words, nothing too ugly. But basically judgements and assumptions. He leaves mad and doesn't communicate with me before coming home this morning at 10:30.

He comes home this morning, doesn't say anything to me, but then by email (in the same room) tells me he wants to tell our son today. A few hours go by, it's going on 3:30, I don't want this separation so I'm not initiating talk, especially since he's so on edge waiting for that to happen, so I go about my business. I see he's tense, so I take our youngest and go to the mall. I get back at 6 with dinner, and he says nothing. We put our kids to bed, then he comes and says he thought we were going to tell them. But the problem is, his idea of process time is to leave every night after they are in bed, and then coming back in the morning before they wake, during this process time.  We just discussed for an hour, and he left. But at least I got a hug and ILY.

Guess we're telling the kids tomorrow. Our youngest is not yet 3, so she probably won't understand. But our oldest is a few months shy of 9. He will be devastated. H says he is suffering now, but I really don't think so. Tonight we discussed what we'd say (which is part of the reason I wasn't just going to say let's do this, we need to be on the same page). We were thinking we'd say Daddy is going to stay at Grandma & Grandpa's for a little while why we work on getting along better and making each other happy. Daddy will come over a couple times per week and you can call him and go spend the night whenever you want. Is this okay? Just reiterate that we both love him and we love each other, we just need some time apart to figure things out. And that this doesn't mean we are getting divorced. And how many days do you think before he packs and leaves? Do we play it by ear based on how our son responds? 

Any advice from those that have been there and done that would be great. Thanks!


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## SadAngel (Mar 7, 2011)

LonelyNLost said:


> Well, it's inevitable. He thinks the only way to work on us is to go stay with his parents for awhile. He says he spends every night waiting for an argument or discussion. Funny thing is, he starts most of them. But that's beside the point. So we are going to do a trial separation. I told him up front I wanted to sit down together and tell the kids. Then, I wanted to give a few days or a week for them to ask questions and get used to the idea. I also wanted that time to figure out ground rules.
> 
> I initiated discussion of the terms on Thursday evening via email. He replied by responding to most of them with his own input, agreeing on most. But we didn't talk about when. He made an off comment about how he wouldn't be here this weekend, so I reiterated how important it was for the kids to have time to process, and they are my primary concern. He says ok. But then, instead of leaving for good on Friday, he goes over to his parents after one of the kids is in bed and stays until 2:30am. Then he comes home and picks a fight with me and we go to bed angry. Saturday, he starts a discussion via text at dinner. Yes, a married couple texting a discussion back and forth for 2 hours at the same table. :scratchhead: We come home, put the kids to bed, and exchange a few words, nothing too ugly. But basically judgements and assumptions. He leaves mad and doesn't communicate with me before coming home this morning at 10:30.
> 
> ...


I had to do this with my husband a couple of months ago and it was the most awful thing I've ever had to do. My husband and I were both crying  I think what you have said is good, tell them that you both still love them and will always be there for them. Our cousellor said to make sure you dont give them any false hope and you dont need to go into details etc.
My kids are 9, 10 and 13 and they were all really upset when we told them, they had no idea that anything was wrong so it was a big shock to them.
Also I would tell the kids that if they want to talk about it ever that they can come talk to u.
Good luck!


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

SadAngel said:


> I had to do this with my husband a couple of months ago and it was the most awful thing I've ever had to do. My husband and I were both crying  I think what you have said is good, tell them that you both still love them and will always be there for them. Our cousellor said to make sure you dont give them any false hope and you dont need to go into details etc.
> My kids are 9, 10 and 13 and they were all really upset when we told them, they had no idea that anything was wrong so it was a big shock to them.
> Also I would tell the kids that if they want to talk about it ever that they can come talk to u.
> Good luck!


Good points. I dread this. I made a comment about how I wasn't looking forward to shattering their world, and he of course took that as a jab. I said it will hurt their sense of security, always having both parents there. He doesn't think so. He knows that we are sometimes sad, but we do things together and we don't fight in front of him lately. Yes, I'm sure he knows we aren't happy like we were, but I don't think he's suffering. It does break my heart though when they all leave and I stay home and he asks if I'm going to be okay by myself.  Or when my H left for 5 days and on the way home I ask my son if he is excited to see Daddy, and he says, "Kinda. I missed him, but I don't like seeing you sad or you guys arguing." So, yes, he's aware, but I don't think he realizes the seriousness. 

H is telling me the purpose of this trial separation is for us to figure out a way to come back together and reconnect. I guess I'll have false hope then if they do. I just want him to be reassured that things will be okay and able to ask questions as we go along. Part of our agreement is that he'll be here once a week for dinner as a family, then another night to stay with them while I go out, and then on Sunday's they'll either go with them or we'll do something as a family. I guess we'll relay that. The kids and I are going out of town on Friday for over a week, so as this is fresh it might be hard for them. I just don't want to damage my kids. I remember going through this as a kid and never got a happy ending.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I just went through this 2 weeks ago, and your plan sounds pretty similar to what we did. Our kids are 10 and 12. We (I?) told them on Saturday morning, and there was lots of tears. It was by far the hardest part of this whole separation thing. 

By Saturday afternoon, they were doing their normal Saturday things. My son (the 10 year old) had some questions about where I was living, and he asked a few times how long I'd be gone for. He still does, occasionally. 

I moved a bunch of stuff out on Saturday evening, after every one was in bed. We thought that would be easier than my packing stuff out while the kids (and my wife) was around to watch. Then Sunday evening was the last load, along with myself.

I don't know what we could have done better/different... There's no good way to handle it. They woke up on Saturday morning, their lives and family were all intact, even if things were tense and stressed. By the time they went to bed on Sunday, they were "one of those families"... Split parenting and all that. All you can do is reassure them that both parents still love them, and make sure the communication is still open and strong between everyone, I guess.

I think a big part in how the kids adjust and handle things is based on how the parents handle things. If they can focus on what's best for the kids, and keeping things as "normal" as possible, the kids will be disrupted as little as possible.

C


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

I dont think there is any good way to tell them. OUrs (aged 9, 7 & 4) didnt really get it until daddy was actually gone. He promised to be there as much as they needed him & told them they could call him at any time. Now he doesnt answer his phone or return their messages, and only comes over when it suits him. we had a big argument about that this weekend. 
I think it is easy for the one who walks out to just stick their head in the sand & shirk their responsibilities.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

PBear, is yours a trial separation or are you divorcing? I guess my husband thinks it won't be a big deal since he's leaving most of his stuff there. He's just taking clothes and stuff. I feel the same way about how at one moment his family is intact and the next it isn't. 

We're going to do it tonight. I asked my H to come home a little earlier so we didn't have the conversation right before bed. But it's weird, since he's kind of already not staying here, he's just hiding it. Idk. I wish I knew how long this would be for, I feel like I probably have more questions that my son will! But I know my H will still be around, he wouldn't have it any other way. He doesn't want to be around me because he feels tense, but he'll come and take them or stay here while I leave and go out. 

Wish me luck!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I've posted this several times in the past. It's my opinion, and the model we used. By virtually anyone's account, my kids are thriving, happy, and very much loved by their parents.



> What I have to say is based on having lived through this discussion as a teenager, and then having it as an adult with my own young children, ages 6 and 3 at the time.
> 
> My parents divorce was a train-wreck. When they pulled us together for 'the talk', they used the standard opener with me and my two younger siblings;
> "You kids didn't do anything wrong, this isn't your fault. This is between mom and dad."
> ...


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Thanks deejo. I think this is brilliant and an awesome perspective. Just not so sure how I can pull myself together enough to do it. H worked till after 7 and in true 180 fashion I didn't call or say anything about the issue. So now it's bedtime so another day has gone by. I hate this. I'm kinda thinking he is dragging his feet because deep down he knows it changes things. I will update later. There's no way I'm telling my son right before bed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

So weird. I am starting to think he is dragging HIS feet. I know I am. He didn't bring it up at all. Even after the kids went to bed. I was pleasant, cool, collected, nonchalant. Didn't talk about the relationship or issues, just watched TV and made small talk about it. Discussed my day, my plans for next week with the kids when I'm out of town, etc. He left 30 minutes after the kids went to bed, and gave me a hug and a peck on my head. Then called me 10 minutes later to say goodnight and make small talk about bills. It's like he wants to hear my voice. Told me twice how nice I looked in the dress I wore today. Also told me twice that he really wanted to call me today but he got too busy. I'm not sure what to think of this. I created a neutral environment, and for that I'm proud. I need to keep this up. Consistent actions!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

LNL, ours... We haven't talked about reconciling. But we didn't give a timeframe or promises to the kids about when/if I'd be back. My son has asked a couple times when I'll be back. Maybe I'm a coward, but I tell myself this is to let them adjust to the idea of me not being there before taking the next step.

Personally, it seems your hubby kind of has what he wants, without "being the bad guy".

C


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

When my husband left my kids and I heaved a collective sign of relief and went out to dinner to celebrate. :rofl:

It's gotta be tough when the kids are small..I feel for you.  But I'll tell you that as a person who grew up with two parents fighting ALL The time day after day, year after year it's MUCH better to separate and have peace and quiet then constant havoc and anger surrounding you. Staying together isn't always the best thing.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

PBear said:


> LNL, ours... We haven't talked about reconciling. But we didn't give a timeframe or promises to the kids about when/if I'd be back. My son has asked a couple times when I'll be back. Maybe I'm a coward, but I tell myself this is to let them adjust to the idea of me not being there before taking the next step.
> 
> Personally, it seems your hubby kind of has what he wants, without "being the bad guy".
> 
> C


That's the weird thing. He's all like "I'll take the blame, I'll be the bad guy to anyone who asks." He says the goal is to reconcile. I don't think he likes being away from us. I made it clear, in no uncertain terms, that this was a big step that changed everything. And I'm not going to sit around waiting for him. I wonder if this dragging of his feet is about not telling the kids or if it's about not wanting to leave for good because he won't see us. It's so strange to me.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What people say and what people actually mean can be two different things... Or maybe he's ok enough with the situation that he just wants to avoid the conflict. And if you want to change things (one way or the other), you may have to draw a line in the sand. Tell him to either move back into the house, or move out. No more of this limbo stuff. If that's what you want/need, of course. I'm not advising you one way or the other!  

C


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

PBear said:


> What people say and what people actually mean can be two different things... Or maybe he's ok enough with the situation that he just wants to avoid the conflict. And if you want to change things (one way or the other), you may have to draw a line in the sand. Tell him to either move back into the house, or move out. No more of this limbo stuff. If that's what you want/need, of course. I'm not advising you one way or the other!
> 
> C


You're right. And to be honest, he is really messed up in the head right now. All of this has taken a toll on him and he's seriously depressed by it all. He doesn't know what he wants or what's right from one second to the next. He lacks faith and is scared of failure. He hates talking about our marriage or problems, because I seek clarification on things he says and he feels like I'm pointing out how wishy washy he is, and he hates that he's that way. He does just want to avoid conflict. That is his whole thing. And he doesn't trust that I want to do the same at this point and take things one day at a time. We've always been so good together, never fought, let things go, but now it's at a point where we have to communicate and so things are coming out that have never been said. It's hard.

I think I'll just play it by ear. I know I do need to draw a line in the sand. If tonight goes the same way as last night, I might end up saying something. But the kids and I are going out of town on Friday evening, and we'll be gone until the following Sunday, so maybe he can just think it out during that time. Then we can decide when I get back. I just don't know. It hurts to watch him leave every night and then see him every morning. I hate it.


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## HoopsFan (Jan 13, 2011)

Hi LNL,

I've been following your thread for a while. I feel for you. This is a tough spot for sure, and I don't know that there's a one best way to handle it. I do think you would benefit from individual counseling to get guidance through this process. I don't have alot of advice, but just wanted to offer my support. Hang in there and be strong for your children. I hope life gets easier for your family soon.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

HoopsFan said:


> Hi LNL,
> 
> I've been following your thread for a while. I feel for you. This is a tough spot for sure, and I don't know that there's a one best way to handle it. I do think you would benefit from individual counseling to get guidance through this process. I don't have alot of advice, but just wanted to offer my support. Hang in there and be strong for your children. I hope life gets easier for your family soon.


Thanks for the support, Hoops. I can use all the encouragement I can get.  I start IC tomorrow. I am not even telling him for now. I'm trying to be the best person I can be for my kids, and provide them the security they need. I watch my kids and they are happy and healthy and smart. I know I'm a good mom, and H is a good dad. But these are his choices for now, and he knows he's being selfish. I think he realizes that I'm not pushing any issue, but he's still afraid of a discussion or fight. I'm interested to see what a counselor will say. I know what I want more than anything, and I hate that I'm starting to feel resentful. I don't want to hurt my babies because H can't get his crap figured out and just take a leap of faith. If he wants us to be happy, which he says he does, and he wants what we had, then you've got to take action. But I'm done convincing. Maybe when he realizes he's losing me and he's not included in all we do, only then will he wake up.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

I took the kids for ice cream tonight after dinner, which happened to be when H got home. He stayed and ate the dinner I made, but earlier on the phone, in a roundabout way, let me know that he won't be staying here again tonight. While at the ice cream place, I start asking my son how his school year is going. Then I ask him how he's feeling at home. (Last week, on the day H came back from his "finding himself" trip my son said that he was only kind of excited to see daddy because he missed him but doesn't like that he makes me cry.) He told me things were better and he was happy about that. So, he isn't suffering like H says, he's actually going to be blindsided. Do I tell this to H? I'm in 180 mode, so I haven't been initiating talks. But this is our son. What should I do?

I'm also sort of fed up with the whole living a lie thing. Acts all normal during the day, comes home, eats dinner here, then 30 minutes after the kids are in bed he leaves and stays with his parents. Then 15 minutes before I wake the kids up he comes home. His truck is loud. My son isn't dumb. He's going to feel betrayed when he finds out. Last night H took a shower and then put on his shoes afterwards and our son asked where he was going. He's going to catch on. Part of me wants to tell H to just leave, since this is obviously too difficult for him to handle. Idk.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Maybe it's just time for him to leave already? It'll make it easier in the end because all that's happening is that things are getting dragged out, which is harder on everyone. 

Time to cut him loose. Next time he leaves tell him to pack enough to last awhile because he's not welcome back.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Freak On a Leash said:


> Maybe it's just time for him to leave already? It'll make it easier in the end because all that's happening is that things are getting dragged out, which is harder on everyone.
> 
> Time to cut him loose. Next time he leaves tell him to pack enough to last awhile because he's not welcome back.


This is how I feel too, but our son needs to hear this from the both of us, and preferably not right before bed. Tomorrow I have IC right after school, and H knows nothing about it. He won't leave work early to come home and discuss this. Any my whole thing was that our son had time to process with us both here. But he's already gone. Believe me, I was close to telling him not to come home tonight. I might do it tomorrow. See what the therapist thinks is best. It all makes it so difficult. The kids and I are leaving town Friday after school for Spring Break. Is it better for him to know this is happening beforehand? H might stay here while we are gone. Should he get a breather and then we decide when the kids and I come home? I need to assert my wishes and stop letting him do what he wants.


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

Perhaps tell your husband you will talk to the kids when you return. That way he will have a few days to maybe clear his head. And your son can enjoy spring break.

It is so hard because we don't want to believe what they are doing to us, and as such we let them walk all over us. Aarrghhh.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

You know ... I used to be you.

I wanted it all to work. Didn't want anyone to get hurt or feel pain. Tried to understand the perspective of the other side. Not be judgmental. Avoid unpleasantness ... foster harmony.

Screw that.

If your hope is that your husband actually addresses his issues rather than simply looking for the path of least resistance, you should start being FAR less kind.

Make the responsibility for telling the children, his. He is the one making the choice. Tell him that. My guess is, he'll avoid it like the plague. Worst case, he won't say a thing and simply expect you to 'fix' it.

If he pulls that stunt, I strongly urge you to rain hell-fire down on his head.

He WANTS you to make this easy for him. He expects you to. What is it that you believe you gain by towing the line while this guy avoids dealing with his issues?

I'm not suggesting that you berate or mock him, but call it like it is. He NEEDS that.

If he is being avoidant - tell him. If he is over-analyzing the situation - tell him. If he is being overly dramatic - tell him. If he is being a whiny, selfish, b!tch - tell him.

He doesn't know what he wants. It's up to you to make clear what he stands to lose.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

He left last night and I was in bed reading already. I fell asleep and he texted me goodnight sometime after I was asleep. My daughter has a cough and woke up several times, at one point crying and had a hard time going back to sleep. I just texted him that she wasn't feeling good and was crying. He didn't respond. I got online, and he then messaged me on facebook. Started off very blah, neither one of us very talkative. Then, it got weird.

He says he figured I might be on there, which is why he signed on. Asked me what I was doing. I said nothing, it was quiet and lonely. He then asked if I didn't want to talk because I wasn't talkative, I must be tired. I said my stomach hurt and he said I should see a doctor. Then we talk about daughter and he offers to take her to the doctor. Then out of the blue asks if we'll tell our son about the separation when I get back (so, on the 20th). I said I didn't know. He said he was assuming I wanted to wait since I said I wasn't telling my mom. I told him how our son thought everything was fine, to which he responds that we should have told him this weekend. He then says I've seemed fine since he hasn't been there. I then said I'm fine because I choose to be and that he has no idea what's going on with me. He then says I'm right and asks if I care to share. I said I don't think it's important, the kdis are what's important, but if there's something he wants to ask he can. 

His question is then, "Are you over it all?" and I ask what that means. He says "this/us?" I ask why he said that and he says that because I said what I think/feel isn't important. I replied that I wasn't over us obviously but I am having personal struggles. He then says I don't care to share and I said I'll share whatever. Get this...He then says "You obviously have a new secret admirer making you feel good and fulfilling needs that I don't." WTF? He says my new facebook friend blowing up my page. Then says he says lots of nice things. I reply that I'm surprised he noticed, and ask if it bothered him. He says, "No, is it supposed to?" I then ask if he's formed an opinion or if he's making a point. He replies with things he's commented on. I reply that he isn't some new person I just met and I'm not out meeting guys. I say he does say nice things but he's just like that. I'm not giving him attention or calling him or anything, I wouldn't put myself in that situation. 

All his replies now are short and snarky with a "LOL" at the end of each. I ask if he's irritated and says "No, not at all." He makes a point how it's all ironic that this guy is "just like that" and "that doesn't mean he's interested in you?" to make a point about the ex gf I have issues with on his facebook. That's a whole other thread I've posted in the past. I say "you think you've proved some sort of point by deflecting." He goes on to ask if it's a guy I liked in high school, and I say no. Then I say even if he was interested in me, I'm not going there. I'm not calling him or giving him info about my life. He starts, "its whatever". I then say, "it doesn't have to be like this, all hostile" and tell him this convo blows my mind. Then I told him it was a guy I sort of dated before him. He then says it's hypocritical. 

He then asks about my personal issues and say they are mine to deal with. He responds, "alritey". I say things I can't seek answers for because every conversation is considered a fight. He insists he's fine. I then said I'm done with all the bickering and crap and I'm moving forward. I ask if he's over us and he just replies, "no". I then said it feels like he is dragging his feet and ask if he's going to stay at the house while we are gone, and he says he doesn't know. I ask why and then tell him he should stay there and think and feel what the house is like when it's empty and because his stuff is here and he's closer to work. He says he will clean and do some stuff at the house, may stay a few nights there. I then say 9 days is a lot of time to think. I say it's hard watching him come and go. I say I feel anxiety. He says staying there is prolonging the inevitable - the separation. He then reverts back to it being a shame we didn't tell him this weekend because now he'll be blindsided. He says he feels calm leaving at night and he doesn't make me cry, though he knows I probably do anyway. I kind of talked about maybe just thinking while we are gone, because staying gone for an indefinite amount of time is hard. He goes on about being the bad guy, the guy that left. And how my family will be caught off guard since I'm not telling them. I make a statement that I understand he needs to do this, but I can't hold on forever. I know he doesn't like timelines, but I won't be waiting indefinitely. He says moving out and coming back would be traumatic. And i just ended it there with "Idk. I am going to sleep. Goodnight." and signed off. He then shows up here this morning, says nothing and goes to bed.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Texting. Phone calls. Face Book chats ... These are not elements of a 180

I know you are hurting. I know it. Been there. But you are also enabling him.

He is the one that has left, but he sees fit to 'test' you about where you stand? 
Here is your patent answer, whenever he entertains this crap:
"I value our marriage. You chose to leave."

Seriously L&L, pull the soft, comfortable rug out from under this knucklehead's feet. Do tell your family. Tell them he's depressed and won't get help. Tell them he's moving out and he's being avoidant.

If you want this circumstance to be dealt with, you need to blow it up. I refer to it as 'throwing the grenade in the room'.

Set boundaries. He's either in or out. This whole disappearing or showing up when he pleases? It borders on cruel. It's selfish and thoughtless and needs to stop. His laying guilt on you for not telling the kids? Classic blame shifting. If you allow this to go on, he will invariably convince himself and you, that his problems are your fault. Stop engaging him. Stop responding to him. Less love, more tough.

And I do think you should make it clear that HE needs to tell the kids. Be present, but the words should be his - not yours.


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

I am no good for advice as my situation is sucky too. 
It seems like they want to just do it, without acknowledging the hurt & pain they put on everybody. 

I am so done with contacting my husband. NO more texts, emails, or trying to talk to him. That is til next time I feel down, its so freaking hard...


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

Deejo said:


> Texting. Phone calls. Face Book chats ... These are not elements of a 180
> 
> I know you are hurting. I know it. Been there. But you are also enabling him.
> 
> ...


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Deejo said:


> Texting. Phone calls. Face Book chats ... These are not elements of a 180
> 
> I know you are hurting. I know it. Been there. But you are also enabling him.
> 
> ...


Sorry my post was so long above! I'm completely baffled by the whole conversation. Still. I'm sitting here with a big WTF? 

Thanks, Deejo, you're my voice of reason. I guess I'm struggling because I feel some responsibility for where he's at. And I've acknowledged that. By trying to communicate with him and tell him what I need and how I didn't approve of his facebook relationship with an ex, he disregarded and lied. We are both at fault. But he says that all this dealing with the tension and fights has him close to the edge. I don't want to push him off, you know? But I do need to set boundaries.

He does love me, and he has said he wants this to work out, he just doesn't know how. He says he has no fight left and is hopeless. Says he feels like he's a failure. If I shut him out, then I feel like it's telling him I'm over it all and I want to move on. He does care about what he's doing to me. But he is wishy washy and not in a good place. 

I hope I can gather some strength and clarity at my counseling session today. I really don't know what to do. He sees separation as a way to cool off and regather our selves so we can reconnect. I really think he does. He says if we aren't at the same house, we can communicate on facebook. That's how we can discuss issues. And I did push for in or out, and that's when he checked out. He felt like he was making baby steps, without verbal reassurance, and I jumped his $hit for "floating". If I do that again, I'm not sure what will happen. He's slowly pulling away more and more. I get my morning text message where he tells me to have a good day and he loves me. And then sometimes I get a text later in the day or a call seeing how my day was. I also get a call or text goodnight. I also get a hug goodbye in the morning. But that's it. 

Do I just call him today and tell him that it's his responsibility to tell the kids, but that I need to be there? And what if I don't agree with what he says to the kids? Do I speak up? Should I tell him he needs to do it tonight and then leave for good? In our proposed separation agreement, Thursday nights were supposed to be the nights (he's off work) he comes and cooks for us and we hang out as a family. Maybe he just needs to go cold turkey from all of us? I leave town on Friday. I want to take a stand.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Oh, and I thought with a 180, you didn't initiate conversations and chats, texts, etc. but you could still communicate? I need a course, lol. I just bought the Divorce Busters book, but I'm only a few pages in. I need the cliff notes version!


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

You do initiate conversations, but not about the relationship, do you love me, and things like that. Mostly try to appear strong and not desperate and lost.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

anx said:


> You do initiate conversations, but not about the relationship, do you love me, and things like that. Mostly try to appear strong and not desperate and lost.


Well, that's why I thought I had done okay. I didn't initiate the conversation and I did not initiate the relationship conversation. He did by asking if I was over us. I did not come off as needy or desperate. Just put my kids' concerns first and foremost. It just turned ugly when he brought up my guy friend. I swear, facebook is the devil. Since he thinks I'm such a hypocrite, I think I might delete the friend and tell him I did so because it bothered him. this would be an excellent point since he won't delete his ex. And it bothers me to no end. 

He texted me this morning saying I seemed pissed this morning. I am at my wit's end. I want to tell him not to come home at all tonight. Or I want to tell him he's talking to our son. Idk.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Now he's texting me all kinds of crap. "You seemed mad this morning. Have a good day. I love you" and then when I reply that I'm not mad, he says, "Your anger and resentment are coming out" and then keeps going with the texts saying I'm keeping my appointment today secret, which leaves him wondering what I'm doing that makes me think I'll come home ready to make decisions. Then he says he won't be a hypocrite because he does the same thing and it feels like a power struggle. I said no games, I value our marriage. And I also said I'd talk to him about today if he wanted to know. But I'm doing something for ME. 

I wish I knew what was going through his mind. Does he think I'm engaging in mental warfare? Is he scared? Or is this just another thing to make him more fed up with it all?


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

> He does love me, and he has said he wants this to work out, he just doesn't know how.


 You need to turn this to MC. MC is where you figure out a new way. MC is where you learn why you and your SO are hurt. MC is where I learned this. If he expresses something like this, then that is probably the time to bring up MC.



> Does he think I'm engaging in mental warfare? Is he scared?


 Yes and yes. You both can't communicate how you actually feel to the other person. I gets jumbled up in hurt, confusion, other issues. In most of the treads here, it really sounds like both sides are completely confused who is doing what and why. If you are doing the 180, he doesn't know why or what is going on or the new rules or what the purpose is or how to act AND you both are hurt AND not thinking strait.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

anx said:


> You need to turn this to MC. MC is where you figure out a new way. MC is where you learn why you and your SO are hurt. MC is where I learned this. If he expresses something like this, then that is probably the time to bring up MC.
> 
> Yes and yes. You both can't communicate how you actually feel to the other person. I gets jumbled up in hurt, confusion, other issues. In most of the treads here, it really sounds like both sides are completely confused who is doing what and why. If you are doing the 180, he doesn't know why or what is going on or the new rules or what the purpose is or how to act AND you both are hurt AND not thinking strait.


I've brought it up repeatedly that we should do MC. He thinks separating is the answer. But if it's like this already, what's going to happen as time goes on? 

I know he's scared now. He should be. Hopefully he snaps into shape and figures out that now is the time to act. But, at the same time I'm afraid he'll see me as happy without him and then be willing to let me go so I"m happy. He also has this big fear of me hating him in the end. And he keeps saying that he feels my resentment and anger. Heck yes I'm angry, you're walking out and not handling it the best. Hopefully IC helps me today. I'm off now!


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

IC was a nice place to vent, she just listened. Didn't really get to the current part. 

I just gathered the strength to tell him not to come back. He was mad. Not outwardly mad, but short in words, throwing things around as he packed his bag and mad. We got into a conversation today, mostly regarding last night's facebook chat. He says he was proving a point. And that I was being vague about where I was going today to keep him wondering. I don't get it at all. 

Looks like we'll wait till I come back to talk to the kids. I will have to make up something for the next day or two. Tomorrow H is off work, so he might have lunch with my son, which is a bit of a bummer to my day since I teach at my son's school and my lunch is at the same time.  I don't know what to do. He's seriously wearing me down and doesn't want to talk about anything.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Lunch time was awkward. Then after school I consulted him about what to tell our son since he was inquiring where Daddy was. He jumped my crap again like I was expecting him to have answers when I just wanted guidance. I can't win.

So I sat down with my son and just said Daddy is staying with his parents for a few days so that we can be apart and cool off and figure out a way to work on things. I tried not to go into too much detail and just said that we loved each other and we loved him and his sister and we want to find a way to make our marriage better. I told him he could talk to me whenever and ask me about it. I asked him if he was scared and he said he was. I said I was too, but we can get through this together and I was working really hard to make things better.  My poor baby.


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## Neil (Jan 5, 2011)

LonelyNLost said:


> Lunch time was awkward. Then after school I consulted him about what to tell our son since he was inquiring where Daddy was. He jumped my crap again like I was expecting him to have answers when I just wanted guidance. I can't win.
> 
> So I sat down with my son and just said Daddy is staying with his parents for a few days so that we can be apart and cool off and figure out a way to work on things. I tried not to go into too much detail and just said that we loved each other and we loved him and his sister and we want to find a way to make our marriage better. I told him he could talk to me whenever and ask me about it. I asked him if he was scared and he said he was. I said I was too, but we can get through this together and I was working really hard to make things better.  My poor baby.



So you had to tell them...

Great. He got out of it.

Whilst in your other thread I advised treading carefully and having fun, this was before he left.

Now he has left, its different.

You from now on, look after number one (YOU) and your kids.

Tell your husband, that when the kids start asking awkward questions, he HAS to face them, starting at the point when you come home. Tell him he can talk to the kids and tell them what he is doing.

Time to start the "Gotta be cruel to be kind" games.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Neil said:


> So you had to tell them...
> 
> Great. He got out of it.
> 
> ...


Yes, I feel like I'm losing this battle.  I texted him first and said what I was going to say, and he just responded that he'd come if I wanted him to. Then asked if he was going to be looked down upon for this. I texted him back and he didn't respond. I called him and told him how it went and he just said our son can call him if he needs to. Then he goes on and on about how he expects me to call him and tell him when we are leaving and when we get in town safe and he wants the kids to call every night while we are gone and tell him goodnight. WTF? He didn't care when he was gone 5 days and didn't communicate with us. I'm so over his crap. He then gets online last night and small talks me. Then says he does love me whether I believe it or not. I say I believe it but it's hard to have faith in that when I don't see it. 

I'm not planning on talking to him much while I am gone. He can initiate contact. I told him to think long and hard while we are gone about what he wants to do. I told him we aren't sitting down and telling him Daddy is moving out until he's sure that this time away is not enough of a breather.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Oh and online last night he was saying how painful it was for him to leave each night. WTF? Really? I really don't understand him. 

And he keeps deflecting everything I've ever said about having a problem with his facebook friendship with his ex back on this new facebook friend I have that he's obviously concerned about. I made a point of saying that the difference is, besides us not ever even being boyfriend/girlfriend, that I would delete him in a heartbeat if it bothered him. He said he wouldn't ask me to do it. I said, "You wouldn't have to, I'd do it out of respect for you and your feelings." Bing, point for me!


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

I'm now out of town. He got sent home from work early yesterday because he was over on his hours. Went to our house and then realized he wouldn't see us because everything was packed up and gone. He didn't send a morning text, but he sent one at 1:30 saying that he hoped I was having a good day. I didn't respond. So he called me at 3:45 and I said I was picking up our daughter and kept the conversation brief. He said he didn't realize we were leaving right after school and not coming home. Begged me to call when I got to my mom's house. Then called me two more times while I was driving. I just texted him when we got here last night at 8. He kept texting me asking how the kids were, what we were doing, etc. I said goodnight. I think he might actually miss us. Idk. Didn't ask him where he was sleeping or anything. One of our phone conversations was good, no relationship talk, but it was good. He was going to his parent's for dinner. But not sure if he stayed. He sent me a good morning text today. I'm not contacting him. And if feels good. He needs a wake up call.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I sincerely believe that if you do what you need to do ... he will have no choice but to do what he needs to do.

He's looking for someone to make things ok. That would be you ... but despite his wanting YOU to be accountable to HIM, he is incapable of reciprocating. 

He needs to hit bottom. It's your job not hinder or cushion his fall. This guy needs to deal with his sh!t. Else, he'll never be any good to you, his kids, or himself.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Deejo said:


> I sincerely believe that if you do what you need to do ... he will have no choice but to do what he needs to do.
> 
> He's looking for someone to make things ok. That would be you ... but despite his wanting YOU to be accountable to HIM, he is incapable of reciprocating.
> 
> He needs to hit bottom. It's your job not hinder or cushion his fall. This guy needs to deal with his sh!t. Else, he'll never be any good to you, his kids, or himself.


You're so right. But why can't I just let things be? I broke my 180 the second night I was here. I told my mom everything, and of course, she feeds into the whole "he's cheating" thing. I called H at night and he said some hurtful things about not meaning his vows forever, but he meant them at the time. Me suggesting that he think about things before moving out, and him replying that he'd have to get over his feeling of "being over it all" in order for him to try anything. He is already moved out and separated. I wrote his friend on facebook, and he told me not to throw in the towel yet, that he feels like my H is distraught and needs some space and time to come out of this. I'm just torn. Now his texts and calls are all about the kids, with "I love you guys" at the end. I texted him today and just asked if he felt as awkward as I did. He replied that he did and he guesses that we feel the same way about a lot of things, to which I replied that we also feel a lot different about a lot of things. I said I do love him. He replied that he loves me too and he always will. Why does this upset me? It sounds like he's done with it all. 

I was going to stay here until Sunday, but now I feel like going home sooner. He isn't staying at the house. And I'm going to be a wreck when I get home.


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## Neil (Jan 5, 2011)

LonelyNLost said:


> I was going to stay here until Sunday, but now I feel like going home sooner. He isn't staying at the house. And I'm going to be a wreck when I get home.


Why go home?

Stay their while sunday...

If he knows you have gone home because of all this, it will send a bad message.

Keep to the 180, as much as it hurts to do so, but don't show him weakness about it.

PS, are you sure he doesn't know you post on here, just it seems like whenever you start to make ANY kind of progress WITHIN YOURSELF, he does something to knock you straight off course and you follow it. A real left field thought here, if he knows you post, he knows in front what you are doing. (ok possibly off scale that one).

Biggest message I can give you now is

Make yourself happy 1st

Chin Up


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Neil said:


> Why go home?
> 
> Stay their while sunday...
> 
> ...


You're right. It's so hard to live for myself when for so long he's been my world. And I his. He's absorbed into his own little world where all is dark and there's no way out. 

I don't think he reads these boards. And he wouldn't have the patience to sort through all of the posts to figure out which one is me. He's seen me on here before, and it wouldn't be that hard to figure out, but like I said, he has no patience. 

I'll stay at least until Saturday, and with limited contact. I have to let him go, it's so hard. Guess it's like that saying, let it go and if it comes back to you it was meant to be...


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