# Triggers and too much wine...



## angrybuttrying (Jun 17, 2013)

Really irritated with the fact that I married someone I considered my equal, someone with similar education, morals, family background, etc. Not to sound arrogant, but someone I could identify with and never worry about in a married life...

Or so I thought...now I am angry, at myself for taking her for granted and creating a vulnerability that was exploited by some a--hole I really, really, want to meet...

so much so that I feel justified in having an affair myself, of violating that sacred trust that was so selfishly thrown out the window by her...

I am too good to do it, but with wine and bitterness, and of course the question that someone raised on another thread (what were her consequences??), I'm not so sure I'm above (or below) it.

thoughts?????


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

I haven't done it. Most of those who did, have regretted it. Some of those who did have not regretted it.

My thought is that it wouldn't be "equal," hers always would be worse because it was first. The betrayal hurt you to your core. When you do it, to her, it will only feel like something she deserved.

No, I think the way to get revenge is to take her to the cleaners in the divorce and make her life a living hell.

If you are trying to reconcile, you have to figure out how to stop thinking about revenge and replace it with thinking about improving your marriage and healing yourself.

Is your wife helping you to get over it?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

angrybuttrying said:


> Really irritated with the fact that I married someone I considered my equal, someone with similar education, morals, family background, etc. Not to sound arrogant, but someone I could identify with and never worry about in a married life...
> 
> Or so I thought...now I am angry, at myself for taking her for granted and creating a vulnerability that was exploited by some a--hole I really, really, want to meet...
> 
> ...


I did it. And bitterly regretted it.

I thought my wife's affair broke my heart. My own affair, however, really broke my heart. So much so I was on medication for a time.

My own affair made me feel worse as I knew I'd become a cheating POS. I'd hurt my wife, my AP and myself. 

Don't do it.

And my revenge affair was booze-fuelled in the main, though that's not at excuse, it was something I stupidly drifted in to.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

When my wife had an affair, I quit drinking and never regretted it. Alcohol is a depressant. So are the 2013 Pittsburgh Steelers. I can only affect the alcohol intake.

If you want revenge, it's not in having an affair. You will only lessen yourself as a good person. Bitterness is a stage in the grief process as well as anger.

They way I got through it was to make myself better in all aspects. I hit the gym. Iron and the heavy bag are great. Find a hobby, focus on the good things in life and let the bitterness go.

I remember a short while after I found out. I was driving to work and I thought you know my life is really good except for one thing... That put a lot of things in perspective. If you want to R. I am glad for you but the road ahead is hard. If you want to D. I am sorry for you but it is your choice.

I suggest not having an affair. The pain you are going through will take time to heal. There is no magic pill or wand so in the meantime, get your bucket list together. Find things you love and get started. I have hiked 100+ miles of the Appalachian trail with my three boys so far. It's been wonderful! Thank you my cheating ho EX wife!


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Success is the best "revenge". Success and keeping the moral high ground.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Is your wife sorry? Has she stopped the affair? If not, divorce her, and move on with your life. If she is not trying, then get out.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

MovingAhead said:


> Alcohol is a depressant. So are the 2013 Pittsburgh Steelers. !


No NFL b$tching unless you live in Northeast FL!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

> Alcohol is a depressant. So are the 2013 Pittsburgh Steelers.


You ain't sh!ttin'. 

Anyway, I read something similar to this on here. If she is still out of your life, she will not care. If she is in your life, she will look at it like you are cheating. This will simply trigger more cheating from her or a worse divorce experience. I don't see the "revenge is sweet" factor. 

After all is said and done and you are divorced, sometimes, you can honesty find some way for revenge and not have it come back. If you do, that person was not quite the despicable person you thought. 

I don't think you will get much out of it. Who knows? *shrugs*


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## angrybuttrying (Jun 17, 2013)

Now it's morning, and as I read through the comments, I really appreciate what others say. I can't cheat, as I know that would only make things worse. Like a lot of things, it sounds different than it actually would be.

My wife has expressed deep remorse, has had NC since dday, and we are reconciling. I guess the bitterness swells up sometimes, and that's when I need to hit the gym, yoga, maybe even buy a heavy bag! 

It's good to know my feelings are "normal" and it's also good to hear that these feelings will fade with time. We are doing well, enjoying life again in all aspects, etc. Just sucks when I think about it. 

Thanks for the support!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I'm going to enlighten you with something. 

You and your wife are not equals. You are superior to her morally. She should understand that and thank her lucky stars you kept her around. She should be moving heaven and earth to keep you, and if she isn't then it's time to trade up. 

Sounds like she was one of those cheaters who cheat for the hell of it, not because the marriage was lacking. This kind if cheater is the most dangerous and untrustworthy. It is sad you are chained to a woman who you will have to watch like a hawk the rest of your life. I wouldn't. You didn't explain what you did to make her feel vulnerable, but that is a typical chicken sh!t cheater excuse for cheating. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

If you want a D and you want to ruin your own self respect then have at it. I know it sounds tempting revenge but what is that going to get you except to created personal shame.

Keep the moral high ground and your self respect. This has flashed through my head a few times. Thanks to people here I did not take that misstep.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

angrybuttrying said:


> Now it's morning, and as I read through the comments, I really appreciate what others say. I can't cheat, as I know that would only make things worse. Like a lot of things, it sounds different than it actually would be.
> 
> My wife has expressed deep remorse, has had NC since dday, and we are reconciling. I guess the bitterness swells up sometimes, and that's when I need to hit the gym, yoga, maybe even buy a heavy bag!
> 
> ...


My wife forgave me and we are still together. 25 years in total.


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## Twistedheart (May 17, 2010)

It is time to reward yourself and get away from what you thought it was. It is no more and will not, cannot live up to what you thought it was. 

What you are looking for and deserve IS out there. The best thing is to move on. Never stoop to a cheater's level. The high road feels great!

Become the Hunted. Not the Hunter!!!


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Just went back to your previous threads to find out what happened.

Looks like a 4 month EA.

You decided to trust her completely.

Did something else happen?

Are you wondering if she is trustworthy, honest, or remorseful?

I understand the anger. I eventually decided D was better in my case after 8 months of attempted R.

Do you feel that you are now changing your mind on the R and moving emotionally toward a D?


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

The anger and bitterness will fade.

My EX still tries to push my buttons. The problem for her is I have different buttons now.

You have a scar that will never fully heal, I heard from a very wise man; Keanu Reaves, 'Chicks dig scars'

Keep your chin up! If you have to vent here or elsewhere time and time again, after a while it will lessen. Tell your wife you love her. She is your wife after all and tell her she is beautiful.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Just do not sweep this under the rug---there MUST BE ACCOUNTABILITY----

If your wife perceives you handled this in a weak way---she will KNOW she can cheat again, and you will do nothing about it, so somewhere down the line, if marital problems creep in---or boredom, same old, same old---know full well your wife may seek out other men again---as she has already shown you a propensity for cheating---be wary!!!!!!

What kind of boundaries, and what consequences are in place----have you made her sign a POST--NUP

It may go away for you in time---everyone is different, and we all handle and deal with our hurts differently---make sure she helps you thru your pain---WHENEVER IT OCCURS

It is your sub-conscious that is going to be a strong enemy, to you, for who knows how long---so along with dealing with your wife, you also have to deal with yourself----just make a plan and stick to it----good luck to you


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## angrybuttrying (Jun 17, 2013)

Lovemytruck said:


> Just went back to your previous threads to find out what happened.
> 
> Looks like a 4 month EA.
> 
> ...


Good questions, Lovemytruck. Our marriage was in really bad shape, it's just (like many here) that I was unaware of how I had been treating her and others (kids, friends, etc.) Before dday, we had a big fight, and after she went to bed and I went outside to think, I began to reflect on our relationship, and reflect on myself. I actually had a sort of enlightenment, where I acknowledged to myself many of the unhealthy behaviors I had that were driving us apart. 

The truth is I do take responsibility for my part of our marriage crisis. This does not excuse her behavior in the least, and I have been very clear about that, which she has acknowledged as well. She is very ashamed, remorseful, and we have done lots to R and are doing well. 

I do trust her completely, she is honest with me, has shown remorse, etc. but that doesn't change the fact that I sometimes get angry (because of the emotional pain I endured). 

I love her, love our family, love our life together, and we both share a desire to keep our relationship together. Divorce is very unlikely. As I may have mentioned before, if this had been a PA, that would have been the end. The EA for me is something that I can understand, not excuse, but understand. Still get angry and bitter at times, but the positive interactions we have and the changes we've made are certainly helping to diminish those lingering feelings.

Thanks for letting me vent!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

So here's a philosophical question, one which I really hope isn't taken to mean I'm trying to blame you. It was only after her EA that you decided to examine yourself, so if she had not done this would you have done any self reflecting? What would it have taken sans affair for you to do this? This is worth pondering because something I've seen a lot of on this board is that it's only after an affair or a request for a divorce that some spouses will decide to self reflect, then often times will be po'd if the other spouse is no longer interested. In reality it shouldn't take this much for people to look at their own behavior. What do you think your wife could have done to get you to self reflect? Did she ever try to speak to you about it and if not would you have listened?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

angrybuttrying said:


> Good questions, Lovemytruck. Our marriage was in really bad shape, it's just (like many here) that I was unaware of how I had been treating her and others (kids, friends, etc.) Before dday, we had a big fight, and after she went to bed and I went outside to think, I began to reflect on our relationship, and reflect on myself. I actually had a sort of enlightenment, where I acknowledged to myself many of the unhealthy behaviors I had that were driving us apart.
> 
> The truth is I do take responsibility for my part of our marriage crisis. This does not excuse her behavior in the least, and I have been very clear about that, which she has acknowledged as well. She is very ashamed, remorseful, and we have done lots to R and are doing well.
> 
> ...


Angry, your situation sounds a lot like mine (W's EA was a lot longer, though). We're doing well 6 years later. Like you, I understand the reason for her EA but my anger still comes upon me sometimes. I just no longer let it pour out onto my W. I know she is remorseful and has been on the straight and narrow. 

The fact is that, as someone very wise said, time heals nothing if the source of the injury is not eliminated. But even when it is the healing can still take years. Sounds like you are on a good pace for recovery. I wish you and your W godspeed.


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## moto164 (Aug 4, 2013)

It will take along time before you start to feel better.
Are you doing any counseling.


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## angrybuttrying (Jun 17, 2013)

A few more points of clarification...

I actually had my "enlightenment" prior to finding out about her EA. The truth is that we had a fight, I said some things (really ugly things) and during the next hour after she went to bed, I began to reflect on my life, etc. The next day, I apologized, and began a transformation of myself, for myself (but knowing that it would only have positive effects on everyone around me), and it wasn't until several days later I learned of her EA. 

We've both done IC, then MC, and I am still going to IC. A big "hurt" for me was that she became emotionally involved with someone else, but I understand that as I was not emotionally available to her. It wasn't planned, etc. and the casual friendship turned into an emotional connection that truly wasn't sexting, pictures, or anything like that. It was heading in that direction, certainly, as well as heading towards a PA, but dday and NC happened (thank God) before it could get any further down the road.

For me, the timing was important - my self-reflection happened NOT as a result of dday. I obviously reacted to dday and the EA, but my enlightenment occurred prior. I'm very happy with myself about that.

Again, thanks for the words of wisdom and encouragement. One day I anticipate being on this board saying something like "it's been 8 years since dday, and our marriage is stronger than ever..."

Thanks.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

_Again, thanks for the words of wisdom and encouragement. One day I anticipate being on this board saying something like "it's been 8 years since dday, and our marriage is stronger than ever..."_

It's still early days, but sounds like your chances are good.


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## RyanBingham (Mar 27, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> You ain't sh!ttin'.
> 
> Anyway, I read something similar to this on here. If she is still out of your life, she will not care. If she is in your life, she will look at it like you are cheating. This will simply trigger more cheating from her or a worse divorce experience. I don't see the "revenge is sweet" factor.
> 
> ...



I like the sentiment of maintaining the non cheating path. I think the action that folks find abhorrent about their spouses behavior shouldn't be considered as an equal reaction to take as revenge. Rather, the opposite reaction of bettering your life and accomplishing the positive things with yourself (be it body and/or soul). Imagine bettering yourself and looking back and realizing you had no regrets or stooping to her level. Just a thought...


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

The truth is many of us here understand the desire to seek a R A. I went out to a bar, I think it was around May, to look for a woman. I told my wife about it later. I found one but that is all I did. I had a few beers and sat across the bar and she made "eyes" at me. That was all the further I took it. Never talked to her. 

I too was so mad about my wife's A. She has been cheating on me either EA or PA since early 2010.

For me the various responces in your thread are dead on. Any one of us here on TAM could go out and find someone to have sex with. But what do we get in the end? I have had various opportunities over the years to get "strange" but I never did. I am no saint but going through the pain of my wife's A's is hel* and it makes you think some weird thoughts.

When your partner has an A it shakes you to your core. For me it was worse then the death of my oldest brother, worse then the death of my younger sister when I was in Iraq, worse then the deaths of soldiers I served with in Iraq, worse then the death of my father last year and I could go on and on. My wife's infidelity has been the worse thing I have ever experienced in life.

On that Tuesday night in 2011 when I found out that my wife was with another man after what she did to me in 2010, frankly, if I had been working at the place I was prior to moving here, I would have been about 5 miles from them and there would be two less people walking around this earth breathing oxygen. 

I had a three hour drive to get home to confront my wife. Three hours to talk to family members, friends and folks I served with in Iraq. Time to have them talk me down from doing something I would have regretted the rest of my life.

A revenge A would have just made me feel worse in the end. Maybe in some folks minds completely justified, maybe. But I would not go there.

And the Steelers. The best team ever - 1975 Steelers

Superbowl Appearances 8

Wins 6

Losses 2

That's my team.


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