# Need advice



## help4now (Aug 13, 2013)

Need advice. 

I left my husband in February because of drinking, infidelity and lack of trust. Let me start by saying the good things about this man. He is good guy, kind, generous, and has taken me on some wonderful trips over the course of our 20 year marriage. I get flowers often and he helps around the house. 

Now the not so good.

7 years ago my husband lost a job he loved and I never found out why they fired him. I am pretty sure it was related to drinking and a comment he made to a female colleague that was inappropriate. He found a job within two weeks with a competitor. He told them everything about the former company's business model which he shouldn't have because he signed a non-compete letter and that he was forced to tell them everything about how they ran their business. He was sued and had to pay $30K to his company in lawyer’s fees. One year later he had an affair with a woman in a different state that lasted a year. I was devastated. Like most trusting wives you don't believe it at first. My husband admitted to the affair because he knew he couldn't deny it. Said he was under a lot of pressure with his work and the law suit. For a few weeks I went through hurt, anger, and a tremendous amount of anxiety thinking I did something wrong to make this happen. He flew her to our city while I was out of town on business and brought her to my house, our favorite restaurants and hotel and even took our dog. 

We sold the house which I loved and he wasn't happy living in and moved to the city. 

It was great at first but one year later he lost his job again because of drinking. He was on a business trip and close to the city where the girl lived who he had the affair with. He said she called him while he was there but he dismissed the call and nothing else happened. My gut tells me he did see her and out of guilt he drank to much at one of the conferences he was attending. His boss asked him to leave and three days later he got a call saying he either gets help or he would be terminated. 

He said he hated the job, he was not happy there, they screwed him with the law suit and they forced him to divulge info about the former company, etc. I told him I would support him no matter what. He decide to leave because he said he was not an alcoholic and would not admit to them he had a drinking problem.

One good thing about my husband is he can always find a job. He is a functioning alcoholic who gets up every day for work and always ensures the mortgage is paid. He found two jobs that he absolutely hated because he had to work from home. On two occasions I found porn on his computer and said it was because he was bored with his job. Said he was also depressed. 

I got to the point where I stopped having people over for dinner (entertaining was my passion) because he would drink to much and become condescending which he does a lot. I feel into a a depression myself and could not seem to understand why I was so unhappy. I wanted him to get well and I was putting his needs before mine. At times I thought I was dying.

My husband now has a job that he loves and has been in it for 2 years. So why did I leave now when everything is going good for him. Well, last Thanksgiving we had people over for dinner. He started drinking in the afternoon and I could see it was not going to go well. When our company left he went into a rage about things that didn't even make sense. I tried to get him to bed but he kept jumping out of bed calling me names saying I wanted other men and not him. Finally he fell asleep and I was relieved. The next day I confronted him about his behavior and he started again. I left to run errands and tried calling but he would not answer my calls or texts. I was crippled with worry. He is not in the best of health and I didn't know from the amount of alcohol he drank if he was dead or alive. He left on a Friday and I did not hear from him until Sunday when he finally answered my call - he was at home. I was angry but relieved because I thought he was going to leave me and was glad he was at home. Although things started to change after that. I finally realized he was an alcoholic and with the trust gone I could not see much hope of the future. 

Christmas we had a trip planned to South America. It was a trip that I wanted to do and he booked it for me. We always fly business class and stay in the best hotels and I did not want to give up this great opportunity. That was a big mistake. The night of his birthday he drank to much at the hotel, then we went to a restaurant where he drank more and he got bad. I had to have the waiter ask him to leave so he wouldn't think it was me. He ran out of the restaurant and started running down the street telling me to get my own f-ing way back to the hotel. I was scared to death. I didn't know where I was or where my passport was if he didn't come back. I begged him with sexual promises to come back to the hotel with me. Right then and there I vowed never to be put in a position like that again. I moved out 1 month later.

I have been gone for 6 months and its not easy. Why do I still love this man. He admits to being an alcoholic but won't do anything about. I continually think about the good times (been married 20 years) and seem to forgot about the bad. 

I have filed for a divorce but put it on hold in hopes he will get well. Recently I went to his condo for dinner and it was going well. He was giving me compliments, kissing me, all seemed good. I asked him to please go slow on the wine because he was drinking before I arrived. His phone was ringing while eating and he said it was his brother. When he went to the bathroom I looked at the phone and it was a girl. Said he lonely, I was a better person than him, and now he wants a divorce so he can move on. 

So here is my questions:

Why do I feel guilty about leaving?
Why do I feel its my fault he is drinking more now that I left?
Why do I think I can fix him and try to make him better?
Why do I feel this new person can give him more than I could?
Why do I feel jealous this new person will get the great trips and flowers I once had?
Why do I feel I was never enough for him?
Why do I think it will go back to the times when it was good?


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry for all that you have been through.

Have you ever heard of the book Codependent No More? I think it will answer a lot of your questions. Also, have you ever attended Al-Anon meetings? They're for the family of alcoholics. I think they could be really helpful for you, both in learning why you feel the way you do, why you ended up in this situation, and how to prepare yourself to move forward.

What have you been doing for yourself since the separation? Are you taking up new hobbies?


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## Ms. GP (Jul 8, 2013)

First of all, I want to second everything Northern lights has said. I think you are displaying some codependent thinking. All that really means is you feel overly responsible for another persons thought, actions, and feelings. As an former high functioning addict and alcoholic myself, I can tell you the ability to find and keep a job is usually the last thing to go. It sounds like his alcoholism is progressing as it always does. You are not responsible for his alcoholism or his recovery.( if he decides to seek recovery that is) 
Unfortunately, he has to hit rock bottom before he can get the gift of desperation and seek help. That is what had to happen to me. Just try to remember, ( I know it's hard) everytime you try to help him you are prolonging him from seeking help. I really hope things work out for you. In the mean time, check out some alanon meetings. What can it hurt? Good luck.


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