# What a mess (a tale of pressure, immigration, finances, kids)



## Headache (Mar 3, 2012)

Sit down and grab a coffee as this is a long and complicated one, but I sincerely appreciate any advice given. 

I’m a man in my late 30’s that has been married for over 5 years to a woman who has just turned 30. We come from very different backgrounds although we both share the same Asian ethnicity; I have lived in a Western country all my life. Her parents are divorced and struggling financially. She had many violent confrontations with her Dad and after he left had to take on the role of the “leader” in the family. On the other hand, I come from a fairly normal family which kept me kind of sheltered and that is financially quite well off.

Unbeknownst to me, my parents thought to introduce us because they were starting to panic about me not settling down so they brought her to my country to check out the study options as she planned to study there. Prior to me meeting with my now wife I had been inexperienced with women. My wife went to a college for a couple of months. After dating for a few months my then fiancé gave me the ultimatum to either marry her within a year or she would leave. She even told me that she would let me be with other women even after we were married knowing that I was inexperienced. She told me that she hated the college that she was studying at, meaning that if she stopped going to college (which she threatened to do) she would have to leave the country because of her visa. This left me with not much option, either I would marry her or lose her. I decided to marry her, partly because I did not want to lose her (and was inexperienced with women) and because I felt sorry for her because of her bad family history (she had many violent confrontations with her father) and financial situation. After marrying her, my family also took the responsibility for the mortgage of her house. Before getting married my family asked her to sign a prenuptial agreement which made her very upset and angry. I thought my family’s possessions prior to me getting married should remain my family’s possession but what we build up together we can share, which I consider fair. I felt her sense of entitlement was unjustified for something she had nothing to do with.

These financial issues has caused numerous arguments, I could never be sure whether she married me because she loved me or because she wanted to help out her family and for material gain. This has caused a number of trust issues about her from my side. She also comes from an opportunistic culture that has a “dog eat dog” mentality which I dislike. I know I love her but maybe more as a younger sister than a wife. I would say that 80% of the time she is a good wife but the 20% that is bad is unbearable. When she has temper tantrums she can get violent, to the point where she throws things, screams at the top of her lungs, even punches herself, she has threatened to jump out of windows, cut herself and taken excessive medication. She is highly intelligent and has always been a tomboy and can be very cold, hard, scheming and ruthless.

I was never sure about getting married in the first place. I got married under pressure and because I was naïve to the ways of women and because I did feel sorry for her situation. I did not have a happy childhood or adolescence because I had some mental and self esteem issues and felt I missed out on many experiences. Prior to meeting her I had plans to finally live the single life once I got over my mental issues and like every other average guy out there. However, now that I am married I can’t. 

Now, my wife is pushing for kids. I feel like this is the final nail in the coffin for me. It means I will never be able to have the experiences like every other average guy has had and I can see me settling down to a boring predictable life which I am not ready for. I want to avoid lying on my deathbed full of regrets, sadness and anger because I was never able to live the life I wanted. I understand that her biological clock is ticking and her wanting security, however having kids also means that I am forever tied to her both emotionally and financially. I also do not trust that she and her family will try to take financial advantage of me once we have kids and use them as a bargaining chip as they have displayed a monetarily calculative streak before. 

Even now she is saying that I wasted her time and ruined her life, even thou I got her out of the big mess she was in. Her whole family was in financial trouble and would have lost their house due to her parents divorcing and in our time together she has gained financially and had experiences (such as travelling overseas and going back to her home country every year) that she could never have afforded. I felt I have given her everything (even ahead of my wants) except kids at this stage.

Please advise of your thoughts and whether we should stay together or not.


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## eastern irish (Mar 5, 2012)

Hiya, your story seems different from mine but if you don't love her, just leave. Better sooner rather than later specially when you guys don't have a child. My wife acts pretty much in the say way as yours and is such a control freak, self-centred. I've been with her for the last 10 years but her complacency has never changed as I would have liked it to change. So even though I am still trying working on our relationship, have only slight hope of her improvement. When kids are involved, women can be much nastier and domineering. As you quoted, 80% bearable and the rest of the 20% unbearable sounds ok and bearable to me since if i were to leave our rate here, it would be much worse.

it's totally your call but if you got divorced now, it would be way easier than later when a baby is involved.


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## luckycardinal (Feb 7, 2012)

Wow - Headache - I would NOT, under ANY circumstances have children with your wife at this time. It sounds like she is mentally unstable with the self-punching, threatening to kill herself, etc. She needs help. I don't really know how you can convince her of this. I also really can't tell you whether you should go or stay. But, I will caution you to NOT have children with her. I promise you that any problems you have now will be magnified 100 times after you have kids and then you really will be stuck with her FOR LIFE and not just until the kids are 18. Trust me, I am in a marriage I would've left years and years ago if we did not have children. Maybe you need to seek counseling to decide what you want to do.

Also - with her self-destructive behavior, do you think she'd make a good mother? It seems like you two are in a sort of arranged marriage that likely will not last. Divorce is immeasurably harder with kids.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

In my book marriage is for having kids. If you never wanted them dont get married. I am not sure what you mean. You are in your late thirties how old do you want to be when you have kids. If you want to stay with her then you have to give her kids as well.


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## luckycardinal (Feb 7, 2012)

accept said:


> In my book marriage is for having kids. If you never wanted them dont get married. I am not sure what you mean. You are in your late thirties how old do you want to be when you have kids. If you want to stay with her then you have to give her kids as well.


People who don't want kids absolutely get married all the time. Many people are perfectly hapy without children and don't want them. I disagree that the purpose of marriage is only for having kids.

Also, do you really think this woman would be a good mother? So many people have kids because it's "the thing to do." Then those kids wind up abused, neglected or messed up from dealing with messed up parents who never should've had kids in the first place. Anyone who smacks herself, screams at the top of her voice and threatens to cut herself up and kill herself is NOT ready to be a mother, I don't care what anyone says. What is she going to do the first time the baby won't stop crying? Or when the toddler says "No! I hate you, mommy!" All of us with kids know these things happen and they try the patience of even the most sane, well-adjusted person. A person with this severe of mental issues should not be a parent.


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## Headache (Mar 3, 2012)

Thanks guys for all your advice.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

You guys have a lot of problems that you need to work out before you complicate your situation even further with children. Please, don't have children at this time, if you're not already expecting. A lot of factors are involved in how you guys came to be together and they sound like they're causing resentment and conflict, but the main question is whether or not you guys are actually committed to each other.

Go get marriage counseling or individual counseling so you have a place to talk about your issues without any agenda or consequence and so you can figure out what you each want. It sounds to me like you're probably both a bit confused.

I heard a song today that I've heard a thousand times before and never thought twice about, but which stayed with me today; it goes, "if you can't be with the one you love, then love the one you're with". Cheesy and ridiculous and reductive? Yes. But...it highlights that commitment is the key. If you don't commit to working things out, you've always got a foot out the door and you can't solve a problem that way. Manipulation, exploitation, and pressure get in the way. Of course, if you really know you can't commit to her, then you should just break it off and let her find happiness on her path while you find happiness on yours. Divorce is becoming more common in Asian communities and hopefully that isn't the sticking point that is making you

See if you can have a heart to heart, a real one, with your wife to find out how she really feels and what she really wants and also tell her about your concerns and ambivalence and whether or not you guys want this to work. Use that as a basis to move forward, if you choose to. Don't make it more complicated by becoming parents before you solve these other very big issues. If you really don't want to be married to her, then I'm sure she wouldn't try to force you to stay. No one wants to be the one someone is stuck with.

Good Luck.


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