# I want out but scared



## Solis (Sep 25, 2013)

Husband and I have been together for 10 years, married for 7.5. We have 2 young kids. My husband has always been verbally abusive to me and was to our oldest child as well. He was physically abusive to me one time and would intimidate the kids with his size and voice. He found an email (does alot of snooping)I had written to a friend months ago confessing I wasn't happy in my marriage. He confronted me about it and I was very honest with him. I wasn't in love with him, I was tired of his behavior and actions and I had checked out emotionally months ago. In literally one night, he changed. Not as much yelling, wanting to spend time with the kids and I (something that never happened before), helping with chores, etc. Everything I have been asking from him since our problems began years ago. And it really bothers ,e that he wasn't willing to change until I had one foot out the door. 

Fast forward to today: He reads the Bible constantly, praying often, reading books on saving a marriage,etc. I should be ecstatic right?? But I'm not. I'm miserable. I feel like his controlling behavior has shifted..in that 'God wants us to be together', 'what are the kids going to do with out us every day together?', 'we have to make this work'...all things he says/texts to me numerous times a day. I'm a little freaked out to be honest. 

I've asked for a separation but he refuses to leave and does not want me to go. If it was just me, I would have left a long time ago. But I have the kids. We are in counseling and have joined a marriage group specializing in marital problems. But I just feel done. All these changes he has made are great and he is trying, but #1-I'm not sure how long 'he can keep up this new attitude' and #2-I don't love him despite the changes. He touches me and I step back or recoil. I don't love him, hate him..just feel nothing for him. 

I want to get out but some ppl keep telling me to 'just wait, you don't really want to leave, give it time...' 

I know what I want to do but scared to tell him. FWIW, he owns a lot of guns and his behavior is so manic, I don't know if he would use it on me or himself..He started medication per dr for depression/anxiety.

Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks!


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

First decide what you want to do. Secondly seek help. Not for the both of you but for YOU. Find out what your options are and come up with a strategy to implement it. 

Above all be safe. Do you have any family that can help you out? Do you have a job? Can you support yourself? Do you have somewhere to go?


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## bagdon (Jun 7, 2013)

So sorry you're here.
How long into your marriage did your husband become verbally and physically abusive. 

Has there ever been a time in your marriage that you were happy with him?

Do you feel you ever loved him?

Is there someone else?

I ask these questions because I'm sure my wife had many of the same thoughts you have right now until I changed myself. I was never verbally or physically abusive to her but her reactions to me were very similar to yours. I did some of the same things your husband is doing now to no avail. Our marriage didn't turn around until I changed myself.
I wish I had something helpful to say other than I hope things change for the better for you and your family...that includes your husband.


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## ileft (May 3, 2013)

Is there a third party involved?


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## Solis (Sep 25, 2013)

Thanks for the replies.. No there is no one else. He's always been controlling to some degree but we dated for 3 years but really only saw each other on wknds due to work schedules. So I question if I really knew him before. There were many red flags going in and I ignored them. He was and is very self confident (some ppl call him ****y) whereas when we met I was not.. Very successful at work and has never failed at anything. He's admitted that it bothers him he failed at this. I don't think I was ever truly in love with him but admired him(?) if that makes sense.

My family does not live close and the few friends I've confided in have neither the space or resources to help. 

Like I said he is trying but if I don't love him..that doesn't seem fair to either of us to be walking on eggshells and not happy.


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