# Husband Lied About Finances



## willowbee (Mar 18, 2010)

I need some constructive help. A little background: My husband and I have been happily married for 24 years and he loves me unconditionally - almost to a fault. We rarely (if ever) fight and are each others' best friends. We have always had a rock-solid marriage. We began dating when we were both just 18 years old and got married when we were both 21 years old. We have two daughters, 20 years old and 17 years old. Both my husband and I work full-time and together earn a very nice living.

Here's the problem: I just found out last night that my husband has been actively lying to me about our financial situation. Apparently, our finances our in dismal shape, which I didn't know because husband has been telling me for months how great we're doing financially and that our credit score was really good and that we had paid off a lot of debt. He's been telling me this continually and extensively. There have been numerous, detailed discussions about finances where he's boldly told me how great we're doing and how great our credit score is. I believed him - I had no reason to doubt him. Our 20 year old daughter came home from college last weekend to tell us she'd been invited on a vacation next month to the Virgin Islands and all she needs to pay for is airfare which would be about $550.00 (incidentally, we've never gone on a vacation. Ever). I asked my husband if we could afford to give her the $550.00 for airfare to which he replied, "Sure! No problem!". The day after I gave her the money, I found out quite by chance that we're actually two months behind on our car payment and we're a month behind on the mortgage, among other things - a fact he's been actively hiding from me for months. I would have never given our daughter that money had I known that everything he's been telling me about our finances was a complete lie. There were other unnecessary purchases that I've made over the last few months - things I would have never purchased had I known we were in serious financial trouble. Before each purchase I would ask him if it was okay that I spend money. He always said, "Yes, sure! We're totally fine!". I'm devastated at his lie and scared to death because we're so behind on some pretty serious payments. I honestly don't know how to get past the anger and the hurt. I honestly don't know that I've ever felt so betrayed. I really trusted him. Why would he lie about this? Why didn't he just tell me that money was really tight right now and that we couldn't afford a lot of extras - expecially the $550.00 airline ticket for my daughter?

_To add:_ I have always been very frugal, and lived within our means. If I've ever needed to buy something that was more than $30.00, I always made sure he knew and made sure that my purchase was okay with him. I'm not a shopaholic, I don't spend extravagantly, nor do I have a nice wardrobe or jewelry or fine furnishings. I drive an older car as does my husband. We've never been on a vacation. I don't nag, complain or gripe - it's just not me. And most importantly, I have never freaked-out over money problems.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Do you know why you are behind in payments? is it just because you dont have enough to cover the bills or is there some other spending going on on his part?


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## willowbee (Mar 18, 2010)

I don't think he's been secretly spending money. I think the problem seems to be that he just completely mis-managed our entire family finances - and then lied about it in an outragous manner to cover his tracks. 

I guess my question is; how do I get over all this anger and betrayal that I'm feeling?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

It is hard to say why he lied. Pride, embarrassment, stupidity... For your families welfare the first thing to address is the immediate money issues. Contact your lenders you are late with and let them know there has been a problem and you are working on it. Ask them if you can work out a payment plan to get caught up.

Next, sit down with your husband and draw up a budget. We do a monthly one using a simple spread sheet. Plug in the income and fixed expenses numbers first then work back to the figures for groceries, entertainment..... Because of his blunder this is now a joint task or one you take on yourself.

Finally check all the financial and savings plans, including any 401Ks, 529... He may have borrowed against them to keep the debt a secret. Also run a credit check to see where you are now.

You need to stay focused to work on these things immediately then address his lying about the finances. 

If you are only a couple of months behind getting caught back up should be a reasonable task.

Good luck.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

willowbee said:


> I don't think he's been secretly spending money. I think the problem seems to be that he just completely mis-managed our entire family finances - and then lied about it in an outragous manner to cover his tracks.
> 
> I guess my question is; how do I get over all this anger and betrayal that I'm feeling?


i think one way to help with the anger is maybe take into account that it doesnt sound like he was lying about it to hurt you or to hide something bad he was doing; it sounds like he just didnt want you to be burdened by the stress. that's kind of sweet in a way. My H was like this in the beginning of our marriage. he wanted to handle things and not burden me but i didnt want to be shut out from the finances so we talked about it. So even though you have been married 20 yrs, it sounds like there might be some communication problems between you two. 

and i also think you ought to take some responsibility for things. why was the entire burden put on his shoulders? why werent you more actively involved in bringing down your debts?


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## willowbee (Mar 18, 2010)

I really like what you had to say. You're right - he didn't lie maliciously, he lied in an ill-attempt to spare me from worry. And it is sweet, in a way. He's terribly, painfully sweet to me. Always. I suppose I really need to consciously 'see' that and remember that about him - that's probably the quickest way to letting go of my anger and forgive him. 

As far as my participation in our finances is concerned: we talked about our finances daily. We discussed what debt was being paid off, how much money was in savings, how much money was required for this and that, how much money was needed for long-term goals, etc. It's in these discussions that I've sinced discovered he's been lying to me. As has happened with most families, the recession has factored into our lives, but from what he and I discussed and based on his lies to me, I thought we were handling it better. I know how much each bill is and when it's due. The actual physical task of making on-line payments, writing checks and balancing the checking account fell to him, though. 

Another thing; In August of last year, I began a new work venture with several other people. I had worked for a small company for the past 5 years. One of the owners of that company started a new business and invited myself and a few others to join him in the new venture. That new business is now located in my home. I've been overwhelmed with the start-up of this new company for the past several months. From what my husband has said to me, given the stress I was under with this new venture, he didn't want to burden me further with our financial situation. Which I totally understand. I just wish that he hadn't so completely misled me.


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## strawberry (Jun 21, 2010)

i know how u feel. i opened a thread "my husband might be lying about finances" and had recently took it down after a day. i've come to realized that my husband didn't want me to overly (if that's a word) worried. i do wish he had just tell me about it and we could work it out together. my family are well to do as compared to his. i guess he's been trying to keep me happy so i won't leave him. (he knew i won't do that) guess he's not 100% sure then but he is now. i could had told him i don't need this or we don't need that..etc. i'm happy with just a mattress to sleep on, a roof over my head, all the utilities on, and food on the table or floor if necessary. (of coz my parents won't like it) maybe that's one reason too. my parents. hmm.. anyhow, we are not that destitute but u know what i mean.


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