# My wife says shes not feeling it and may never have!



## acds123 (Oct 13, 2008)

So after 12 years of marriage to my wife and a recent finding out of an emotional affair on her part I have been told by her she just isnt feeling it and never has..
Just a quick glimpse of us we had our daughter in highschool and after both of us graduating we married the summer out of highschool, we have what I thought was a good marriage all along.
I have never been the talkative type and she was, I just didnt know how important it is to have untill now. So over the past 12 years she has changed more like me and has completly shut down on me and cant find a way to open up and communicate with me.
For this reason she found a worm fuzzy feeling talking to a male co-worker and ended up having an emotional affair and getting really close to this co-worker, I eventually found out about it and since has stopped he doesnt work there any longer.
But the affair has brought out so much she has been hiding these feelings of us just being married and more like room mates than lovers. She says there is no doubt that she loves me but the way I take it she just isnt in love with me..

So I have realized what I have done to her all these years of just being a presence in her life and not being her lover and bestfriend since then I have completly changed my life around learning to communicate learning to show affection and being her supporter through everything I have read so many marriage books done excercises on marriage taking marriage classes at church..

This new me I love and know I wont go back to my old ways it gives me a great feeling, But as much as she appreciates it she still doesnt feel it and she cant figure out why we have both gone through individual counseling but its just not coming back to her..
One big thing she says is we missed out on one important thing since we were so young we never dated to fall into love with one another but the last 6 months since the affair we have gone on numerous dates I am trying anything and everything to get her to open up to me and fall in love with me.

I am just looking for some advice from people who may have had similar issues in there marriage or just any advice from you all that might shed some light on our marriage and her communication issues.. I know she knows how to communicate she is still a very talkative and open person to others male and female why not me is it resentment towards me and the past and me not being what she had dreamed of. Can someone fall in love with someone after 12 years of marriage and 2 kids that has never really had the chance to fall in love? 

I have no doubts at all that I am in love with her and the hard part since all this started I have love for her that is growing daily and growing so strong, how do i let go of her if she comes to me and says she just cant get the fire started?

Any advice at all is really appreciated..


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

well first i think the way you are handling her affair is really noble on your part. not many people learn from these things. 

that being said, i know you love her, but if you really cared about her you would want her to be happy. i think you should be willing to let her go if that's what she thinks she needs to be happy. all you can do is what you are doing, and tell her you are willing to keep trying but if she thinks she needs to go to be happy, then go.


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## Greatermindset (Oct 13, 2008)

If I may suggest, Figure out how she wants to be loved and deliver it. Reassure her that you're her man, and she didn't make a mistake in choosing you.

She's testing you, don't get discouraged. Take her back and win her over, no matter what she throws at you, just be present. Feel what she's feeling and keep on loving her. Stay out of your head and yourself and you'll do fine. Nothing is more important to a woman than being fully present with her.


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## acds123 (Oct 13, 2008)

I have thought that exact thing recently but man I just start breaking down when I think about letting her go. I know I should but how? Even after breaking my heart with an affair and then running to me and saying I am the best thing for her and then a couple weeks later complete 360 and its I dont feel the love for you, telling me shes not happy, that I scare her "not sure what that was about never hurt her in my life" all this negative stuff she says I have done to her mentally, I still cant come to terms to let her go! 
I never imagined my life being so upside down!


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## Greatermindset (Oct 13, 2008)

acds123 said:


> I have thought that exact thing recently but man I just start breaking down when I think about letting her go. I know I should but how? Even after breaking my heart with an affair and then running to me and saying I am the best thing for her and then a couple weeks later complete 360 and its I dont feel the love for you, telling me shes not happy, that I scare her "not sure what that was about never hurt her in my life" all this negative stuff she says I have done to her mentally, I still cant come to terms to let her go!
> I never imagined my life being so upside down!


This is what I'm talking about - Get out of your head. You can't meet your wifes needs or be present when you're being so caught up about yourself.

She's testing you and you're failing. I say this with the utmost respect for you and the love you have for your wife. I beleive you're a beautiful person inside. You just need a little guidence. Right now, u need to man the f up. She is your wife, someone you'd die for and fight for. She's testing you if you'd run away, or you'd be strong and love her no matter what, through her fears, and her doubts. You are her rock, and you need to "continually" reassure her.

Right now she needs to feel your presence. Look into her eyes and let her know that you'll take care of her and you'll look after her. You own her soul and she owns yours. You'll do whatever it takes to love her and cherrish her. Be the masculine figure she craves for and set her feminine energy free. You'll find the passion rekindle in the relationship when this happens.

If you need some presence training, pm me. You've got everything already within you. Just dig deep for it and bring the best out. Put the fear on the shelf and just love her.

Now go get her tiger!


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## acds123 (Oct 13, 2008)

Great advice thank you so much you are so right she has mentioned to me that she wants me to be more confident she finds that sexy! in a man you are so right I need to man the F up and get her back..I keep asking myself what happend to me I use to be so much fun and a very confident person.
Ill let you all know how it goes tomorow


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## Greatermindset (Oct 13, 2008)

Good man. Keep us posted champ. Remember, she will test you and she'll probably have a huge bag of tricks. Don't fall for them, stay present, stay focused and keep sending her love.


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## acds123 (Oct 13, 2008)

SO i reasured her last night I am not going anywhere and made sure she knows I love her I didnt get much response out of her though. she has been so cold towards me for a few months now so Im kinda use to it hopefully she comes around someday.


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## shosty (Apr 28, 2009)

I feel for you. I've been in a similar situation. I'm going to be totally honest with you here; I think you are making some big mistakes. Look, for your own self respect; do not beg, do not plead, and whatever you do - do not grovel! It may make you look pathetic (not confident) in her eyes and make things worse. And despite your new found interest in being open, be careful not to over-do this either. Don't become a "New Age guy"; it may backfire on you. I wouldn't try to talk her into anything. Do guys do this when courting a girl? It's much more indirect. Don't pressure her as it may make her feel uncomfortable and push her away. Back off - give her space. Just continue to take her on dates and treat her like a perfect gentleman. Watch some old movies to see how they used to do it. Keep your hands to yourself unless she reaches out to hold your hand first. Pull out her chair, help her with her coat, open the doors even when getting OUT of the car, give her your arm (not hand) while walking down the street and you walk on the CURB SIDE. Keep the dates light and *fun*. Make her laugh. Be playful. You goal is for her to have fun when around you. Help her forget about her problems. Make it your goal to cheer her up! Go to a carnaval and win a prize for her, take salsa dancing lessons together, go someplace fun for the day and go out for ice cream or pizza, Whatever - just make it fun. Also, be confident; have a persona about you that if she were to leave you, you are a veritable babe magnet anyway (don't say this directly!) hahaha. In other words, be a man; a little over confident, strong, yet sensative underneath. See if you can get her to *ask* for you to open up and give her bits and pieces. Show her you love her more with your actions and less with your words. Back off from the "I love yous" for the time being. A woman can tell anyway if she is loved by a man without him saying a word. Just court her again. Seriously, it's your only chance to win her back! As things improve you can start opening up more. But for now KEEP IT LIGHTAND FUN when together! That is the secret. Best wishes.


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## Greatermindset (Oct 13, 2008)

acds123 said:


> SO i reasured her last night I am not going anywhere and made sure she knows I love her I didnt get much response out of her though. she has been so cold towards me for a few months now so Im kinda use to it hopefully she comes around someday.


It may take a while if there are trust issues and if she's uncertain in her life. Stick with it tho, take the strong masculine position. Give her the presence she desires and it will melt her heart. She doesn't even need you to say anything, she'll be able to feel it.


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