# I know this is not new, but I need some advice



## warmby (Dec 15, 2010)

Ok, so, typical story:

1. Married 15 years ago. Shotgun wedding. Have four kids (14, 9, 6, 2). We are done having kids (surgically done 

2. Love her, and I think she loves me, very much.

3. We communicate well, and spend time together a pretty fair amount.

4. I work outside of the home as a (shocker), divorce attorney.

5. She works outside of the home part-time as a sales consultant. We make a good living.

6. Years 1-13.5, sex was not a problem. We had it all the time, (4-6 times per week), and the variety only increased. Very little was off limits.

7. Because of how our marriage began, we had a rocky first few years. Minor affair by her at year 4, which she says didn't include sex; I think we're over it.

8. In the last 18 months, approximately, she's been less and less interested in sex. I haven't reacted well, in that basically I haven't accommodated her decrease in desire (or what I thought was that), and by basically being a baby when I didn't get it like I wanted it. I've really tried to tone that down, but it constantly eats at me.

9. In the last 6 months, it's come to a head, and we've had some pretty big fights about it. She has stated that a. She isn't really interested in sex, and could do without it completely without losing any sleep; b. She had it for most of our married lives to keep me happy, thinking that because we hadn't started the marriage off in a very healthy way, that's the only way she could do so; c. She's no longer interested in sacrificing her happiness for mine, and if once every 3-5 days isn't enough for me, I can basically go to hell.

10. I recognize there are a lot of people on here for whom once every 3-5 days would be great. But it's a sharp decline from the status quo for me, and it's really got me depressed. Maybe mostly because of the things she said about it.

11. We have both stayed in fairly good shape. Basically, we both look like we did when we met (maybe a little better actually), and I'm still extremely attracted to her.

12. I don't want to masturbate or have affairs. In my opinion, both have the effect of diminishing my dignity.

Any advice would be great. She's a great person and a divorce is the last thing I want to think about.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

You should know better than most of us on this. Allow one problem to fester and it becomes a huge problem. With the way your wife's attitude is stated in Item #9, your problem could grow worse. Have you considered marriage counseling?


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

She says every 3-5 days...that averages out to about 1-2 times a week, which from what I understand is about average for most marriages. Doesn't sound unreasonable. 

It does sound like maybe you two didn't communicate very well about the issue: she didn't communicate that she was developing less interest in sex; you didn't (appropriately) communicate your unhappiness with the new sex life. 

You two need to talk. Whether it's just the two of you or whether you see a counselor, you need to talk about this.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

No matter what the average is, we all have sex drives that can exceed, match or be below the statistical amount.
You do have four children, most of them quite young. She may have no sex drive, due to being tired and resentful from looking after them. I don't know how you manage chores, but most married mothers do the lion's share of housework and child rearing.
I feel sad that your marriage began out of a sense of duty, not true love. Married sex is not meant to be a consolation prize for pregnancy.
Your wife may need individual counseling to explore her people pleasing. Marriage counseling comes after the spouses gain greater insight about their own choices.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warmby (Dec 15, 2010)

Here's the cruel (in my opinion) irony:

During the first part of our marriage, as I indicated, sex was not an issue. In fact, for a little while, she wanted it more than me, although I will say that during that period, I conceded whenever she wanted it. During that period, she found me too callous when referring to sex, too grabby, in her words, and often suggested that I needed to be more romantic. I took that to heart, and have really tried to accommodate all her requests in those areas. She confirms that she's seen that, and that she has no problems with those things anymore. In response to my efforts, sex has waned. I see it as potentially more than sad irony though. What are the chances her interest in sex is piqued by poor treatment? It certainly seems that's the case. As our relationship outside the bedroom has improved, things between the sheets have worsened. I know there are other things to consider, like passage of time, and the presence of more kids, but it doesn't make much sense to me.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

warmby said:


> 8. In the last 18 months, approximately, she's been less and less interested in sex. I haven't reacted well, in that basically I haven't accommodated her decrease in desire (or what I thought was that), and by basically being a baby when I didn't get it like I wanted it. I've really tried to tone that down, but it constantly eats at me.


Many men have had the man up thread at the top of the Men's Clubhouse resonate with them. That might be a place to start.




> 9. In the last 6 months, it's come to a head, and we've had some pretty big fights about it. She has stated that a. She isn't really interested in sex, and could do without it completely without losing any sleep; b. She had it for most of our married lives to keep me happy, thinking that because we hadn't started the marriage off in a very healthy way, that's the only way she could do so; c. She's no longer interested in sacrificing her happiness for mine, and if once every 3-5 days isn't enough for me, I can basically go to hell.
> 
> 
> 10. I recognize there are a lot of people on here for whom once every 3-5 days would be great. But it's a sharp decline from the status quo for me, and it's really got me depressed. Maybe mostly because of the things she said about it.


I would bet a dollar that what she has said about it is not the whole truth and stems from confusion over a complicated issue.

No she does not want sex and could easily live without. But it is not the sex. There is an underlying, as yet uncovered marital issue which prevents her from feeling loving and desirous of you. Over many threads on this board and others it has become clear that men and women generally view sex and problems differently. Men want the sex to be motivated to fix the problem. Women want the problem fixed to want the sex.




> 12. I don't want to masturbate or have affairs. In my opinion, both have the effect of diminishing my dignity.


Oh for Pete's sake. Masturbate. Obvkiously affairs are never going to do anyone any good.



> Any advice would be great. She's a great person and a divorce is the last thing I want to think about.


Find the problem from HER perspectives. Work on that and the feelings wrt sex concurrently openly, honestly and with mutual love and respect.

Good luck.


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

Why not ask her if she can "pleasure" you without sex, (ie BJ or HJ). Clearly an affair is bad news, but masturbation shouldn't "diminish your dignity", it should maintain your sanity!


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