# Hi guys, please help me understand my thoughts and my husband’s thoughts:



## Archana (Jan 27, 2011)

If you have seen my previosu post, u may understand better. 

Actually mine is a long story but I cut it short. Ours is arranged marriage and it is been 1 year by now that we r married. My husband is very nice some times and very disappointed some times. He also said me that he does not love me and don’t know the reason blah blah blah after 2 months of marriage. 
Then I found a reason by messages and mails that he had a girlfriend before marriage and he wants to stay with her and all. After some time because of his parents suggestion and I can say because of my behavior and understanding he became ok. He stopped saying all those things and he does some nice things also for me etc. 
Recently I found that he was still contacting her and if that is the case then I told him I don’t have problem in leaving him. Then he compromised saying he does not want to lose this relationship, he is trying to be friend with her and nothing more than that. 
I was compromised thinking that he just needs some time to forget her and he will be ok. I have to admit that I really help him as much as possible in all the things. I work full time, I do house hold chores and I care him so much, I show him my love in all the ways possible. But he has all messages, mails and chats saved whatever he had conversations with his ex. whenever I see them I feel he is not that much affectionate or that much loving towards me as he was with her. Sometimes I also feel I am not getting the caring I desire. But I compromise myself saying “u don’t get everything what u expect”. 
He sometimes comments on me saying that I am bit fat and blah blah (his ex was more fat). I always try to make myself look more beautiful may be that is what he wants. But if I have to admit I am good looking, if not very very beautiful. 
And now a days I started feeling that I have to speak to his ex once. I don’t know what I want to speak or I don’t know why I want to speak, when I ask these questions myself I am not getting the answer. Also I want to understand what my husband’s thoughts are now, is he happy with me. Sometimes I feel he is happy with me and sometimes I feel he is not happy with me. 
I don’t want to bring up this discussion with him as I feel if he is really trying to forget her and be with me happy, this discussion may spoil all. 

Thank you all for your support and replies.


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

Your story is frustrating and sad, and that no-one else has waded in with help made me think I should say something. 
Not knowing very much about arranged marriages, and not knowing your culture, makes it doubly difficult to comment. 
My views, for what it's worth, are as follows. He's been sort of 'nearly' honest about having a previous girlfriend but if you were marrying him and no-one said he was going to 'keep' the girlfriend, you have every right to wish her gone from your joint life. You need to talk more to him - and insist on answers (not easy, I know, but maybe he doesn't want the family embarrassment of a divorce?) about his wishes, feelings, hopes for the future etc.
You don't mention his family very much. Do they accept/like you? How about the other girlfriend? 
As to not loving you, well that may have something to do with being an arranged marriage - in which as I understand it, love may follow. 
However, bottom line: you sound as though you are doing all you can (chores, making yourself look the best you can, etc) with precious little in return. What did you hope for/expect when you married? Are you getting it even slightly?


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## Archana (Jan 27, 2011)

Hi madimoff,

Thank u for the reply. 

About his family, they are really supportive. They trust me a lot. 

He also does some things which I feel he really loves me but some thing is missing, may be the excitement what I want in marriage. And as I said I am feeling I am not getting the affection and care that I wish for. Some times I get but it is rare. But I really love him so much. Even if he does very little things I feel so happy.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Married men need not have friends with women... and especially not ex-girlfriends. I am always open with my wife about any communication I have with women, it's not too much for you to demand the same from him.

Since you are in an arranged marriage I presume your parents would be willing to step in if he gets out of line with his communication with this ex-gf. I'd let him know that you have no qualms about bringing her to their attention (assuming that's a threat of any kind). Sometimes shame can inspire men to do the right thing.

He can not be focused on his ex-gf and presumably think about her, while trying to think and improve things with you.


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

Did you guys go out for a honeymoon? If not, make sure you go out on an extended honeymoon... spend some lone quality time with your husband. It will help build your relationship. Honeymoon after an arranged marriage should be mandatory, and moreover in your case. If you feel he might try to avoid or give excuses, talk to his parents and ask them to give you both tickets to some place nice for a good vacation.. atleast few weeks.


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

Archana said:


> If you have seen my previosu post, u may understand better.
> 
> Actually mine is a long story but I cut it short. Ours is arranged marriage and it is been 1 year by now that we r married. My husband is very nice some times and very disappointed some times. He also said me that he does not love me and don’t know the reason blah blah blah after 2 months of marriage.
> Then I found a reason by messages and mails that he had a girlfriend before marriage and he wants to stay with her and all. After some time because of his parents suggestion and I can say because of my behavior and understanding he became ok. He stopped saying all those things and he does some nice things also for me etc.
> ...


I think you haven't yet talked about this with your husband, right? It might be a good idea to talk with him first. 

If you bypass him and talk to his ex, you can be sure that the ex will tell him and he is bound to get irritated, and will result in a conflict. So it is better to talk to him and express your concerns etc. if required.


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## stoney1215 (Jun 18, 2012)

Archana said:


> If you have seen my previosu post, u may understand better.
> 
> Actually mine is a long story but I cut it short. Ours is arranged marriage and it is been 1 year by now that we r married. My husband is very nice some times and very disappointed some times. He also said me that he does not love me and don’t know the reason blah blah blah after 2 months of marriage.
> Then I found a reason by messages and mails that he had a girlfriend before marriage and he wants to stay with her and all. After some time because of his parents suggestion and I can say because of my behavior and understanding he became ok. He stopped saying all those things and he does some nice things also for me etc.
> ...


you didnt compromise yourself . you lied to yourself . when you lied to yourself you told your husband that you were ok with him cheatin on you as long as he didnt make it obvious . your husband is definitely happy with you . he gets to have you jumping through hoops to get his approval and he gets the other woman too . you husband has you to stroke his ego by begging for his attention , and he gets to have sex with the woman he loves . the problem is not with your husband . he is happy . is in control of his life and he feels good . 

the problem is with you . you are trying to figure out what you are doing wrong to make him treat you the way he does . that answer is nothing . he treats you the way he does because he does not care about you . he doesnt care about you not because there is something wrong with you , he just doesnt care about . end of thought process. 

now lets take him out of the process . you can only control what you do . no one else . why do you want to be with a man that does not love you . why do you want to be with a man that cheats on you . why do you want to be with a man that told you he loved another woman . and dont lie to yourself by saying that you love him . even if you do love him for some unimaginable reason . that does not change anything . there is only one reason for you to want to be with him . because you think that the problem is you . you did something to make him cheat on you , you did something to make him not love you , you did something to make him treat you badly . and if you can fix it and make him want you then there wont be anything wrong with you any more. the only thing wrong with you is you have low self esteem and no confidence . look in the mirror . not at your flaws but at what everyone else sees . pay attention when you go out and take notice of how many guys flirt with you , and hit on you . think about who ever you think is what a real man is to you and make that your minimum standars for any guy that you invest your time in . not your sex . your time . the alternative is to stop complaining and let him move her in with you 2 .


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## gitandash (Oct 29, 2012)

Archana, things must have moved on now! i hope you have managed to win him over and he is now all yours. if you are still in the same situation, then you must have accepted this behaviour or you must have very good support from the families. I, too had an arranged marriage so the respect, commitment and trust are important to us too, but he and his family should have still told you before marriage about his other relationship. It is therefore, their responsibilty for putting you both in this situation!!


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