# Where to go from here



## Sabrina2

My husband and I have been married for almost 12 years and we have always struggled with communication issues. We can barely speak to one another, our communication is that ineffective. Generally I try to discuss things with him and he is just unresponsive. have become more and more frustrated.

Things were rolling along OK until we had our child and I started working on myself. I've lost almost 60 lbs this year and opened my own business that's doing very well. I'm making a lot of plans that are ambitious and so far I'm achieving all my goals. My husband has been pleasant but negative (realistic is what he calls it), and generally unhelpful and unresponsive to my requests for part time child care so that I don't have to work at night and in the morning before he leaves. We also have a hobby business together and he basically refuses to do anything to get it off the ground yet insists he is invested.

My typical communication tactics are to try to plan whatever it is I want to discuss. Multiple times (at least 6 alone this year) I have suggested we have a family meeting on Sundays to discuss a budget and plan our week. Every week it doesn't happen, he will say OK and unless I take initiative he will never bring it up again. Same thing with finances, working on the business, trying to create a plan to clean our disgusting house. He just refuses to plan anything, even fun things. If I say "let's go at 10 AM" he's not ready until 12 or later, if I say "let's sit down at 12 and discuss finances, I have to nag and nag when 12 rolls around. I just don't want to do it anymore, I am left feeling angry and defeated. I have told him I feel this way.

This evening for example, I was in a very bad mood because he came home from work, did a few chores, and started watching Star Wars. I ended up with our daughter until almost 9 PM before I finally (angrily) told him to take our child, I need to work. His response is something to the effect of I didn't know. We have an agreement that he watches her in the evening while I work, but he never remembers or takes her when he gets home. I have to tell him every time. I also have to tell him to do her bedroom routine, make her bath etc. Most of the time I have to run the bath water and tell him to bathe her. Otherwise he won't do it.

I decided I want to sleep in the guest bedroom since I have a meeting tomorrow at 6 AM. I walked into our bedroom and asked him if he minded if I slept in the other room because I have a meeting tomorrow morning. He said "that's fine, why would I care about that". He sighed, I thought maybe he wanted to say something else. I stood there and waited about 30 seconds and the turned around and walked out. 

These interactions are totally normal for us. I asked him earlier if I could potentially go to Vegas for a day to see Elton John with my Dad, he asked when, I told him, and he just didn't respond to me. I have to say "are you going to answer my question? Is it Ok for me to see Elton John on Oct 20th?" And repeat the question to get him to answer me. Sometimes he still doesn't actually answer me, or gets angry at me that I'm trying to force an answer out of him right then. This is especially frustrating because the itinerary to Vegas wasn't direct, there are pros and cons to different days and times and airports. I can never discuss those things because he will just not respond to me or offer any suggestions. It's basically like talking to a wall.

Cutting to the chase, I feel very alienated from my spouse. Conversations with him are meaningless except for joking around and I am tired of being put in this leadership role. I don't mind taking initiative on things, but I can't ever drop the rope because things will be left undone. I also can never get anywhere on time and often miss out on fun things because he doesn't want to go. I've started going on my own or with friends and I've been getting backlash from that. He seems unhappy if I want to travel on my own without him. I prefer going without him, honestly. 

I am beginning to think more and more that I'm headed for divorce. I know relationships have lulls but this feels like it's an impasse. I just don't see how to improve this, any advise would be greatly appreciated.


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## Rick Blaine

Sabrina2 said:


> My husband and I have been married for almost 12 years and we have always struggled with communication issues. We can barely speak to one another, our communication is that ineffective. Generally I try to discuss things with him and he is just unresponsive. have become more and more frustrated.
> 
> Things were rolling along OK until we had our child and I started working on myself. I've lost almost 60 lbs this year and opened my own business that's doing very well. I'm making a lot of plans that are ambitious and so far I'm achieving all my goals. My husband has been pleasant but negative (realistic is what he calls it), and generally unhelpful and unresponsive to my requests for part time child care so that I don't have to work at night and in the morning before he leaves. We also have a hobby business together and he basically refuses to do anything to get it off the ground yet insists he is invested.
> 
> My typical communication tactics are to try to plan whatever it is I want to discuss. Multiple times (at least 6 alone this year) I have suggested we have a family meeting on Sundays to discuss a budget and plan our week. Every week it doesn't happen, he will say OK and unless I take initiative he will never bring it up again. Same thing with finances, working on the business, trying to create a plan to clean our disgusting house. He just refuses to plan anything, even fun things. If I say "let's go at 10 AM" he's not ready until 12 or later, if I say "let's sit down at 12 and discuss finances, I have to nag and nag when 12 rolls around. I just don't want to do it anymore, I am left feeling angry and defeated. I have told him I feel this way.
> 
> This evening for example, I was in a very bad mood because he came home from work, did a few chores, and started watching Star Wars. I ended up with our daughter until almost 9 PM before I finally (angrily) told him to take our child, I need to work. His response is something to the effect of I didn't know. We have an agreement that he watches her in the evening while I work, but he never remembers or takes her when he gets home. I have to tell him every time. I also have to tell him to do her bedroom routine, make her bath etc. Most of the time I have to run the bath water and tell him to bathe her. Otherwise he won't do it.
> 
> I decided I want to sleep in the guest bedroom since I have a meeting tomorrow at 6 AM. I walked into our bedroom and asked him if he minded if I slept in the other room because I have a meeting tomorrow morning. He said "that's fine, why would I care about that". He sighed, I thought maybe he wanted to say something else. I stood there and waited about 30 seconds and the turned around and walked out.
> 
> These interactions are totally normal for us. I asked him earlier if I could potentially go to Vegas for a day to see Elton John with my Dad, he asked when, I told him, and he just didn't respond to me. I have to say "are you going to answer my question? Is it Ok for me to see Elton John on Oct 20th?" And repeat the question to get him to answer me. Sometimes he still doesn't actually answer me, or gets angry at me that I'm trying to force an answer out of him right then. This is especially frustrating because the itinerary to Vegas wasn't direct, there are pros and cons to different days and times and airports. I can never discuss those things because he will just not respond to me or offer any suggestions. It's basically like talking to a wall.
> 
> Cutting to the chase, I feel very alienated from my spouse. Conversations with him are meaningless except for joking around and I am tired of being put in this leadership role. I don't mind taking initiative on things, but I can't ever drop the rope because things will be left undone. I also can never get anywhere on time and often miss out on fun things because he doesn't want to go. I've started going on my own or with friends and I've been getting backlash from that. He seems unhappy if I want to travel on my own without him. I prefer going without him, honestly.
> 
> I am beginning to think more and more that I'm headed for divorce. I know relationships have lulls but this feels like it's an impasse. I just don't see how to improve this, any advise would be greatly appreciated.


He is stuck in a dangerous rut. I would have him read this post, though I would print it out in a Word document so he can't see or find this thread. Reading this MIGHT jolt him into changing if you threaten to leave and show him that you mean it.

I would also recommend three books by Dr. Willard Harley: 1) Love Busters, 2) He Wins, She wins, and 3) His Needs, Her Needs. 

This marriage is on life support, and you both need an intervention--and a guardian angel.

I wish you luck, and I really hope he will work with you to change into the husband and man you need him to be.


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