# Anybody else in a Sexless marriage due to anxiety and depression?



## Mr B

Fear of intimacy in a close relationship which causes anxiety which in turn kills sexual desire is very common in people who are susceptible to anxiety and depression. In non intimate sexual relationships such as one night stands or sex buddies the problem doesn't occur. Only in actual relationships. And the closer you are to someone the worse the resulting sexual anxiety and sexual dysfunction. It is a recipe for a sexless marriage.


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## EleGirl

Mr B said:


> Fear of intimacy in a close relationship which causes anxiety which in turn kills sexual desire is very common in people who are susceptible to anxiety and depression. In non intimate sexual relationships such as one night stands or sex buddies the problem doesn't occur. Only in actual relationships. And the closer you are to someone the worse the resulting sexual anxiety and sexual dysfunction. It is a recipe for a sexless marriage.


What is the basis for this statement?


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## Schill

I'm wondering if we could classify a sexless marriage as one like mine, due to anxiety. I'm losing my marbles I think.

Wife decides we haven't done it in a while (usually 1-3 weeks) and finds the prime opportune time to ask me if I'm ready... me; uhh.. sure why not (wrong head speaking) other head.. i better, or she'll think something is going on if I say no. Get it over quickly, and carry on with life.


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## ferndog

try to talk to your wife. if she loves you, youll both figure it out.


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## MSP

EleGirl said:


> What is the basis for this statement?


It's pretty logical. When you think you're no good you avoid close relationships in case someone discovers that you are a "bad person". If you fear your spouse discovering your (imagined, due to insecurity) deep, dark secrets you'll avoid your spouse.


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## brendan

yes this is our marriage and we have both all but ended it, (28 years old) we are.

She has this depression and will no longerhave sex with me, i dont blanme her but i cant go on like this. She has got to the point where she deliberatley does things opposite to me for some reason. Also anythuing i say is said to be wrong or negative in her mind.

Very sad. she is getting help, but being with a wife with depression usually turns the husband t depression too which i dont want, tried to help her so much but idnt work.


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## ferndog

have you talked to her? try maybe moving out for a while and see if she'll change. i was depressed for a long time (still working on it). wife put up with alot and she got tired. she wrote me countless letters, we talked etc but I didnt change. Honestly I couldn't not there not at that house not with her there. it's kinda weird I love her so much, I miss her but I myself neede the space to deal with my issues. When you are forced to look in the mirror you realize your faults. I love my wife and want us to work but even before that, i have to fix my issues. will take me time but im on my way. in the meanwhile i stay focused and try not to add bad habits because this is not what it's about. its about soul searching and becoming a person i can love and respect when looking in the mirror even if she doesnt come back. so talk to her and if she loves you she will change. and remember chances are she loves you with all her heart the problem maybe that she doesn't love herself. hope this helps in anyway


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## brendan

good advice ferndog, i was talking to someone about this before.
tonight im telling her i want her out and will still support her etc,

id move but this place needs a man to look after it, eg maintnance, mowing, gardening.

we live in a snice small town and i think best thing is she goes for the rest of year and we still work as team to lok after daughter


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## Runs like Dog

Sure. But also because of hate and despair and just plain no longer giving a f^ck.


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## ferndog

yeah, in my case we don't have any children. I was with her since I was 15. im 36 now. Both of us love each other, never cheated etc but she's been always been on top of her stuff. good career and i never had much to offer. still dont. she told me to stay away. she's getting a divorce (i say she cause in my heart ill be married till i feel i did everything in my power to save it). I agree with her and like i said, i miss her and love her but im finally coming out of my shell. I want to return to her once I feel in my heart I can offer her support in all areas ad not till then, and i know it might be over but if it's meant to be it's meant to be. and if im going to do this might as well fix all my issues. I cry alot but who wouldn't she's my first girlfriend and only love. I remember the firsat day I saw her across the school grounds. I remember what she wore. I remember so much of her. I've always had those puppy eyes for her. Brendan I wish you luck with your situation. I can feel your love for your wife. pour your heart out leave nothing on the table and if she doesn't change then your still young very young. Her actions lead me to believe she maybe feeling how I was. give her a chance to miss you. Does she have any hobbies. work etc? It seems so simple but positive things do help. All my time is spent working, school, drawing, reflecting on my issues everyday, cleaning, and exercise. Only you know your feelings so if you love her maybe some tough love will snap her out of it. me getting the boot did wonders for me


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## Mr B

It is slightly easier to deal with a woman who doesn't want or isn't enjoying sex because of anxiety. Her problem is purely psychological and doesn't have the wide ranging damaging effects on her physical sexual functioning like it does a man.

With psychological help she may be able to at least lie back and grit her teeth to please her husband.

But for men anxiety shuts down all their sexual systems. The can't get an erection or ejaculate by any means with a partner. They can only find sexual relief in masturbating alone.

A sexless marriage caused by an anxious woman has a much better chance at responding to treatment than one caused by a man with anxiety. The added pressure for a man to perform means that the marriage will most likely remain sexless.


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## endlessgrief

brendan said:


> yes this is our marriage and we have both all but ended it, (28 years old) we are.
> 
> She has this depression and will no longerhave sex with me, i dont blanme her but i cant go on like this. She has got to the point where she deliberatley does things opposite to me for some reason. Also anythuing i say is said to be wrong or negative in her mind.
> 
> Very sad. she is getting help, but being with a wife with depression usually turns the husband t depression too which i dont want, tried to help her so much but idnt work.


I just posted a thread on how depression can be contagious. This is exactly what happened to me. Thankfully you are aware it may happen to you before you get in too deep and you become depressed. It is a slippery slope!


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## Mr B

It is very common. The problem is that for many the anxiety, especially if caused by childhood abuse can be subconscious. So the poor person suffers from all sorts of sexual difficulties and often never understands why,


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## EleGirl

Mr B said:


> It is very common. The problem is that for many the anxiety, especially if caused by childhood abuse can be subconscious. So the poor person suffers from all sorts of sexual difficulties and often never understands why,


Are you talking about yourself?


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## endlessgrief

My husband's "Netherhead" stopped communicating with him awhile back. I know they don't do this on purpose. It could anxiety/depression related, stress, age, any number of things. The spouse, however, takes this completely personally, hence they stop trying to initiate and either cheat on their spouse or close down emotionally to ease the pain of rejection. Any way you slice it, it is a form of rejection. 

Here's the kicker. If this goes on long enough, the lonely spouse will start to get resentful, may even develop anxiety over having a sexless marriage and start to cover their bodies in fear their spouse no longer finds them attractive. 

Here is another kick in the nards, the lonely spouse will start to lose their sexual attraction to their sexless spouse. This may be a coping mechanism or just a childish "well if you don't want me, then I don't want you either." Remember none of these words and rejection are ever spoken aloud so the spouses may be sending the wrong signals to each other and most people tend to think on more of a negative side.

I just described my life. Anyone wanna buy it for a nickel?


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## ferndog

endlessgrief said:


> My husband's "Netherhead" stopped communicating with him awhile back. I know they don't do this on purpose. It could anxiety/depression related, stress, age, any number of things. The spouse, however, takes this completely personally, hence they stop trying to initiate and either cheat on their spouse or close down emotionally to ease the pain of rejection. Any way you slice it, it is a form of rejection.
> 
> Here's the kicker. If this goes on long enough, the lonely spouse will start to get resentful, may even develop anxiety over having a sexless marriage and start to cover their bodies in fear their spouse no longer finds them attractive.
> 
> Here is another kick in the nards, the lonely spouse will start to lose their sexual attraction to their sexless spouse. This may be a coping mechanism or just a childish "well if you don't want me, then I don't want you either." Remember none of these words and rejection are ever spoken aloud so the spouses may be sending the wrong signals to each other and most people tend to think on more of a negative side.
> 
> I just described my life. Anyone wanna buy it for a nickel?


Yup you described me. I'm that depressed guy. (well I'm working on myself). My wife left me about a year ago, said I won't change. I can honestly say if she had not done this and left me alone, chances are I would be the same.
This made me realize my faults and yes although we (the depressed) don't do it on purpose but it's still no excuse. Once she left I was able to recognize that most of our issues were really my low self esteem.
I'm still working on myself and I'm getting better. 

So enough about me, I'm basically stating this to let others know that their partner may not even know what's wrong with them. If a person cannot admit they have a problem, they won't improve. It takes work. 

Does your H know his issues? Does he accept his problems?
Is he doing something about them?
Tough love worked wonders for me 
Too bad it cost me the love of my life but at least I'm getting better
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nappyspexx

Mr B said:


> Fear of intimacy in a close relationship which causes anxiety which in turn kills sexual desire is very common in people who are susceptible to anxiety and depression. In non intimate sexual relationships such as one night stands or sex buddies the problem doesn't occur. Only in actual relationships. And the closer you are to someone the worse the resulting sexual anxiety and sexual dysfunction. It is a recipe for a sexless marriage.



Thats my wife shes been with lets say she has had a few sex buddies before we met.. 

before we got married we sex often. After I read this post I started to think back after we got married well lil to no intimacy at all still till this day. 

she does have anxiety and depression but it didn't come fully to head till a few months after we got married.. 

I love with all my heart now i just feel stuck cause it goes beyond intimacy.. it a mixture of decreasingly poor self esteem, poor self image, and eerything i say and do is either wrong, crazy, selfish, or out landish now adays i find my self agreeing with her just to keep the piece or stop the arguing

I dont want to lose her but i feel my foot is creeping toward the door cause im mentally pooped and getting physicallly pooed aswell..

she is on meds, some days better than most but those good days rarely appear there like moments. 

oops didnt mean to ramble guess i just had to vent


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## CrazyGuy

I am stuck in a sexless marriage. I have tried to correct this so many times. I have found no reason after years of trying for my situation. Nothing my wife will admit at least. She just does not want to do it and it is not important to her. She is selfish.

I myself now battle with mostly anxiety and mild depression. I still want to be sexual but not always. Depends how bad I am doing. But it has bean so long that I have no idea if I would be able to be a suitable partner for anybody at this point...I have my doubts. My wife gets angry when ever I bring up the lack of sex subject and can not talk about it. I can see why people that have anxiety or depression would not want to have sex. But I would like the opportunity to at least try. For me though the lack of sex is a big part of what is causing my emotional problems. I remember long ago how sex was a great release for my anxiety and not the cause of it.


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## MTD

Dear Crazy Guy,

As you know, depression can be very damaging to relationships-especially romantic ones. Loved ones, understandably so, take it personally that they are on the proverbial 'back burner.' 

Questions for you to think about:

Have you been to counseling about this with her? 

Are you being treated for your depression/anxiety? Being on a forum like this is a good start but you may want to consider talking to a counselor/therapist and possibly a psychiatrist if your depression/anxiety increases. Your concerns are valid and significant. 

Obviously, some relationship problems can't be solved and it is best to agree to disagree on certain things. This is not one of them. Intimacy is an important part of a marriage/relationship. It is a worthwhile effort to find a solution to this problem. I strongly suggest a trained marriage therapist/sex therapist. Click HERE for a good resource in finding one in your area. 

Married-To-Depression{married-to-depression}


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## CrazyGuy

MTD said:


> Dear Crazy Guy,
> 
> As you know, depression can be very damaging to relationships-especially romantic ones. Loved ones, understandably so, take it personally that they are on the proverbial 'back burner.'
> 
> Questions for you to think about:
> 
> Have you been to counseling about this with her?
> 
> Are you being treated for your depression/anxiety? Being on a forum like this is a good start but you may want to consider talking to a counselor/therapist and possibly a psychiatrist if your depression/anxiety increases. Your concerns are valid and significant.
> 
> Obviously, some relationship problems can't be solved and it is best to agree to disagree on certain things. This is not one of them. Intimacy is an important part of a marriage/relationship. It is a worthwhile effort to find a solution to this problem. I strongly suggest a trained marriage therapist/sex therapist. Click HERE for a good resource in finding one in your area.
> 
> Married-To-Depression{married-to-depression}


Yes we both went to all types of counseling. She bails out when she does not like what they say. There is no way she will show up with sex therapist. She does not see a problem with no sex. According to her it is my problem because I am the one that can't stand the situation. According to her the notion of not having sex would not even bother me if it was not from websites like this one putting silly thoughts in my head. Silly thoughts of sex being important.

I do not want to hijack this thread. I have many of my own. I am getting help for my anxiety and depression. She refuses to see anybody else for "my problems." As far as she is concerned I am the one that needs to change.


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## Mr B

endlessgrief said:


> My husband's "Netherhead" stopped communicating with him awhile back. I know they don't do this on purpose. It could anxiety/depression related, stress, age, any number of things. The spouse, however, takes this completely personally, hence they stop trying to initiate and either cheat on their spouse or close down emotionally to ease the pain of rejection. Any way you slice it, it is a form of rejection.
> 
> Here's the kicker. If this goes on long enough, the lonely spouse will start to get resentful, may even develop anxiety over having a sexless marriage and start to cover their bodies in fear their spouse no longer finds them attractive.
> 
> Here is another kick in the nards, the lonely spouse will start to lose their sexual attraction to their sexless spouse. This may be a coping mechanism or just a childish "well if you don't want me, then I don't want you either." Remember none of these words and rejection are ever spoken aloud so the spouses may be sending the wrong signals to each other and most people tend to think on more of a negative side.
> 
> I just described my life. Anyone wanna buy it for a nickel?


Counter-refusing is more common with female spouses than male but males do sometimes also do it. 

But if the refusing spouse is doing so because of psychological problems such as intimacy anxiety caused by childhood abuse, then counter refusing could be seen as a very selfish act. The better reaction would be to try and coax the refusing spouse into therapy because they are not refusing on purpose. All they know is they loose their sexual desire for a partner anytime a relationship gets too close and the intimacy starts setting off their subconscious anxiety alarm bells. In men this often results in a total sexual shutdown and the inability to perform sexually.


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## LeoNyan29

Holy smokes you all are describing my life. My husband is in them middle of major depression (he was just put on meds about 1 months ago, still no better and wont be until he is on either his full dosage or on the right med) and has denied me any physical intimacy for the past 5 months, hugging or otherwise. There is zero physical affection and if I try to even touch him he will push shrug my hand off or say "go away." " dont touch me" "i dont need your affection."

on top of this he refuses counselling, wants to come off his medication because he and his family are pharmaceutical conspiracy believers.

The depression hasnt rubbed off on me yet, im still functioning fine. Work Full time, engage in my hobbies daily, go out by myself often. This next year I have to seriously decide what i want to do with my future and the possibility that my husband will not longer be in it if he cant get better.


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## Omegaa

To be honest, I understand how depression and anxiety could affect someone to "lose interest" but sex is such an important part of marriage and without, it's simply no longer a real marriage = two people as roommates.

Anxiety / Depression shouldn't be used as an excuse. Perhaps, there are reasons other than the most obvious "anxiety / D".

Potential reasons would be:

1) Wife/ or H does dearly love their spouse but "not in that way".
2) Sexually not compatible
3) No longer attracted to their spouse 
4) Medical disorder e.g. Uro-gynae issues
5) Married for security, married as they had children etc

Perhaps, it's worth looking beyond what's most obvious to you?

In my view, it's best to keep having sex no matter how "poor" it may end up to be. If you don't, you might end up not having any sex at all. Life is not perfect. Sex doesn't need to be perfect all the time. Don't give up.


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## Mr B

Omegaa said:


> In my view, it's best to keep having sex no matter how "poor" it may end up to be. If you don't, you might end up not having any sex at all. Life is not perfect. Sex doesn't need to be perfect all the time. Don't give up.


When a man is depressed or suffers from anxiety the body is flooded with the hormone cortisol which is also known as the "fight or flight" hormone. One primary effect of Cortisol is to completely kill all sexual desire. Since it is physically impossible for a man to have penetrative sex when he feels no sexual desire, to "keep having sex" despite the problem, is, again, impossible. Add the various SSRI medications used to treat anxiety and depression the side effect of which is again, to kill all libido, pressuring someone with these illnesses to have sex is simply cruel. You might as well ask a crippled person to run up the stairs...basically it's the same thing. You need to learn some compassion.


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## Omegaa

Hi

I realize how difficult to reply to someone whose mind is already firmly made up about the subject.

I was just saying because I happened to care about the subject and my post was simply meant to be encouraging rather than being uncaring saying, "OK, don't have sex then!" type response. 

Hope you'll find what you seek and certainly, I will stay away from your threads/posts as I see my reply coming across as "insulting" to you. 

All the Best,


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## Spiderman

endlessgrief said:


> My husband's "Netherhead" stopped communicating with him awhile back. I know they don't do this on purpose. It could anxiety/depression related, stress, age, any number of things. The spouse, however, takes this completely personally, hence they stop trying to initiate and either cheat on their spouse or close down emotionally to ease the pain of rejection. Any way you slice it, it is a form of rejection.
> 
> Here's the kicker. If this goes on long enough, the lonely spouse will start to get resentful, may even develop anxiety over having a sexless marriage and start to cover their bodies in fear their spouse no longer finds them attractive.
> 
> Here is another kick in the nards, the lonely spouse will start to lose their sexual attraction to their sexless spouse. This may be a coping mechanism or just a childish "well if you don't want me, then I don't want you either." Remember none of these words and rejection are ever spoken aloud so the spouses may be sending the wrong signals to each other and most people tend to think on more of a negative side.
> 
> I just described my life. Anyone wanna buy it for a nickel?


Same here, it started about 2 years after we got together and about that time i found out about his porn watching too. Probably it is so much easier not to deal with the real life pressure right. What ever the reason i don't think it is fair to the other side. I wish i could just leave, too tired of supporting him and not trying to pressure him when he's not interested and being ready when he feels like he is. How about my needs, what do i have to do with these??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sanity

Runs like Dog said:


> Sure. But also because of hate and despair and just plain no longer giving a f^ck.


LOL Literally!:smthumbup:


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## Stuckinrut

My wife has sever depression, anxiety and very bad body image. I know sex is the last thing on her mind and I hate bothering her with it. I try my best to not ask as it usually leads to rejection which is really hard to take after almost 10 years. Then once a year or so I loose it and give her a big speach about changing and getting some help for her because I can not keep this roommate situation going I am going to loose my mind. We usually both end up with tears in our eyes and she says she is going to try harder. Well she has came a long ways in the last 5 years she has a lot farther to go. She did just start going to a couple specialist again this month so hope things improve.
I dont know what the answer is but I feel sorry for the rest of you in the same position. It really is draining on a person to see the one they love so much with such a struggle. I feel some days like I am getting sucked into this tunnel with her. 
I often wonder what it feels like to have a wife that loves you and shows you the love that you feel and show her. That must be amazing feeling hope I can feel it one day.


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## DJ Bob

Stuckinrut said:


> I often wonder what it feels like to have a wife that loves you and shows you the love that you feel and show her. That must be amazing feeling hope I can feel it one day.


*It is an amazing feeling Stuck,....and I miss that feeling so much!*
I'm new to this forum and this is my first post. I relate to what you're going through. My wife has depression & has taken anti-depressants for many years. Currently she's taking Prozac. In the beginning we were on fire! Best sex of my life and when you combine that with LOVE, it's SO AMAZING! I wanted her and she wanted me. We had such a strong connection in everyway. I have always believed we were meant to be. Emotionally & physically. We had both been through relationships before and we both had been married & divorced. We've been together for 19 years and for at least the past 10, I've been sexually frustrated. She stopped showing interest. I still wanted her and still do but once a month and sometimes even longer is not a normal sex life. I'm 56 now and my sex drive is still very much alive. I'm realizing now that Prozac must be the reason that she doesn't have a sex drive but here's what I don't understand. I've never been a selfish lover and always please her first. She still has very intense orgasms. Why wouldn't she want that again soon instead of a month later? I fall asleep sexually frustrated most of the time. I haven't had an affair but I could understand why some guys would. Besides that, she has become very negative, complains a lot and everything is MY fault! If I try to talk about my feelings her first response is "_*Everything Is About You!*_" There are 2 of us in this relationship and I'm one of them so how can I express my feelings without talking about me. *This is driving me crazy!* I don't think I'm being selfish. I just want intimacy with the love of my life! I don't know if it's the depression or if she just doesn't love me anymore. I don't understand. Thanks for letting me vent. Just wanted you to know that you're not alone and I'm still searching for answers.


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## Stuckinrut

Thanks for the post DJ I hope you get it figured out over there. My wife has started to go to therapy again and she seems a little better. She is going tomorrow to see the one that can preciribe the meds. I thought for sure she was having thyroid problems looking at the symptoms but we had that tested and she is right in the range. It takes so long to get into these places for help makes it hard. I am thinking I need to find a place for inpatient for her to go so she can really be diagnosed.


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## imsohurt

I fell into a depression after a job change...we were down to 1x per week....when I caught her cheating...she claimed it had been 4 weeks...meanwhile my leg at night was shaking violently....(restless leg syndrome)....I didn't cry out for help...as I thought I would just sleep and rest it away....

I got real pissed later on....when I realized her motherly instincts had not kicked in to see there was something wrong going on....she was busy reading the horoscopes about her and her new man.....while I was suffering...

Damnable...in a funk for a couple of months...and she blew out...after all of those years...guess who was interested in getting taken care of.....

Total crape...if I got cancer it would have been better...depression people don't get sometimes...


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## zonika17

yes in my six months of marriage we have stopped doing it from past 2 months. went to the doctor he claims him to be having anxiety and depression. its being very difficult for me cause when he wasnt into it he was with other women to. but now it has stopped. sometimes i get a bad feeling that the stop of the talks have lead to him. the more i talk it out to him he gets more worried. he said that u should understand for a man to go to the doctor and say that i cant have sex cause i am not able to mentally is a big thing, he says we should give time. i am but sometimes i run out of patience.


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## nappy

my wife and I have not had sex in almost three months. She suffers from depression and over the past year has had a really tough time. even before she took a turn for the worst, our relationship has always suffered due to her illness. We sleep in separate beds b/c she is so anxious that she can't sleep when I'm in bed with her. She had complained a year or two ago at how infrequently we were having sex. since then, I had seen my dr about reduced sex drive (I'm 47, she 49) and found I had low testosterone. I have since been taking med and have much higher sex drive, but now she is not interested. 

Her depression is really getting me down. Most days I am so lonely and wish I had someone I could be close to and share my life with. Our outlook together does not look too good at this point.


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## The Lonely Stoner

*To: Anybody in a Sexless marriage.*

A sexless marriage normally denotes the woman is trying to figure out the best, most painless way to leave you. If she truly cared about you she would be giving you sex. That is how they work. When they no longer care about you personally (ILYBINILWY), sex is the first thing to go. And next is anything that requires her to show you any sort of appreciation or adoration. That's because she no longer has any good feelings for you. Her love bank is bankrupt. So anything related to pleasing or gratifying you becomes akin to a bothersome chore. One to be avoided by her @ all costs. Get yourself together and be prepared to move on. Because she is. She would not risk losing you (withhold sex) if she already has not prepared to replace you. And that's if she even needs you (financially) now. You can spend your time trying to change her. Good luck. What you should do is spend your effort on you and your children (if you have any). Personal effort on her (emotional or financial) is wasteful. Begin to set your own course. If she is really interested in you, she will follow you wherever you go and certainly be sexing you up all along the way. But what's happened right now is that she has grown apart from you. You are no longer the center of her universe. She doesn't trust you with that lofty (in her mind) status anymore. So she is actively searching for her true center. And whilst she is searching so diligently, sex with someone who she deems isn't worthy (you) is not on the agenda. Period. 

If you do intend to "fix" things, you have to leave her behind. Not in actuality, but in reality. She sees you as a plant. Rooted. Not going anywhere. Imagine how uninspiring you must be to her. She likely views you as no more than a huge bore. You probably haven't done or said anything in years that stopped her in her tracks and got her **** wet. And she knows it. Her friends know it. But you on the other hand, have no ****ing clue! You are probably under the false impression that sex is somehow owed to you merely because you'd like to have it. Like it's some sort of birthright. But you couldn't be more wrong!! Sex, much like anything else worth having, is earned. You have to do, be and say things to get it. And the crazy part is that once you do become a mans' man, you will then begin to re-evaluate whether you even want your wife anymore! The person you will have became (a real man), may not even have time for your "old" wife. 

But whatever you decide, decide something. Because she is. Inaction is going to be perilous. She is constantly using the emotional and physical energy that should be going to you on figuring a way out of the hell she is trapped in. That hell is living with you. That is why she can appear to be "drained" all the ****ing time. She is drained. Because she is giving her "all" to come up with something that is impossible to attain (which is a back door out of the marriage). She will begin to show signs of her weariness at some point. Then cracks will begin to show in the/her facade. Now you are really in for it. Assuming you haven't left yet (which you should have). You will now begin to be blamed for all of her problems. In the marriage, and otherwise. This can become more costly to you than you initially realize. She isn't likely to admit her fault in this situation. If she did, she would be summarily crushed under the weight of her own self-judgment. It would destroy her in short order, and she knows it. Because she is far more in touch with herself than you ever will be. That is why you must focus on becoming the man you are not currently. A boss. And don't worry about trying to do it overnight either. Just start the journey. Watch how life seems to open up to you. Everyone you meet on the way will offer encouragement, as well as guidance. You just met me, and I'm on the same journey with you. We are brothers. 

Happy trails...


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## Betrayedone

*Re: To: Anybody in a Sexless marriage.*



The Lonely Stoner said:


> A sexless marriage normally denotes the woman is trying to figure out the best, most painless way to leave you. If she truly cared about you she would be giving you sex. That is how they work. When they no longer care about you personally (ILYBINILWY), sex is the first thing to go. And next is anything that requires her to show you any sort of appreciation or adoration. That's because she no longer has any good feelings for you. Her love bank is bankrupt. So anything related to pleasing or gratifying you becomes akin to a bothersome chore. One to be avoided by her @ all costs. Get yourself together and be prepared to move on. Because she is. She would not risk losing you (withhold sex) if she already has not prepared to replace you. And that's if she even needs you (financially) now. You can spend your time trying to change her. Good luck. What you should do is spend your effort on you and your children (if you have any). Personal effort on her (emotional or financial) is wasteful. Begin to set your own course. If she is really interested in you, she will follow you wherever you go and certainly be sexing you up all along the way. But what's happened right now is that she has grown apart from you. You are no longer the center of her universe. She doesn't trust you with that lofty (in her mind) status anymore. So she is actively searching for her true center. And whilst she is searching so diligently, sex with someone who she deems isn't worthy (you) is not on the agenda. Period.
> 
> If you do intend to "fix" things, you have to leave her behind. Not in actuality, but in reality. She sees you as a plant. Rooted. Not going anywhere. Imagine how uninspiring you must be to her. She likely views you as no more than a huge bore. You probably haven't done or said anything in years that stopped her in her tracks and got her **** wet. And she knows it. Her friends know it. But you on the other hand, have no ****ing clue! You are probably under the false impression that sex is somehow owed to you merely because you'd like to have it. Like it's some sort of birthright. But you couldn't be more wrong!! Sex, much like anything else worth having, is earned. You have to do, be and say things to get it. And the crazy part is that once you do become a mans' man, you will then begin to re-evaluate whether you even want your wife anymore! The person you will have became (a real man), may not even have time for your "old" wife.
> 
> But whatever you decide, decide something. Because she is. Inaction is going to be perilous. She is constantly using the emotional and physical energy that should be going to you on figuring a way out of the hell she is trapped in. That hell is living with you. That is why she can appear to be "drained" all the ****ing time. She is drained. Because she is giving her "all" to come up with something that is impossible to attain (which is a back door out of the marriage). She will begin to show signs of her weariness at some point. Then cracks will begin to show in the/her facade. Now you are really in for it. Assuming you haven't left yet (which you should have). You will now begin to be blamed for all of her problems. In the marriage, and otherwise. This can become more costly to you than you initially realize. She isn't likely to admit her fault in this situation. If she did, she would be summarily crushed under the weight of her own self-judgment. It would destroy her in short order, and she knows it. Because she is far more in touch with herself than you ever will be. That is why you must focus on becoming the man you are not currently. A boss. And don't worry about trying to do it overnight either. Just start the journey. Watch how life seems to open up to you. Everyone you meet on the way will offer encouragement, as well as guidance. You just met me, and I'm on the same journey with you. We are brothers.
> 
> Happy trails...


This is one of the most intense, difficult, and honest things I have read on this forum. You are new here but how have you figured this out with such clarity? I would like to hear your story.......D


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## unbelievable

Mine has biplar and depression. The only thing her low libido means is that she's got bipolar and depression.


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## The Lonely Stoner

*Re: To: Anybody in a Sexless marriage.*



MovingAhead said:


> The Ex blames me for her affair. She told me that if was giving her what she needed it would not have happened. I listened to her and I didn't deny that I wasn't Ward Cleaver. She had been pretending to be happy for months, so she said. I hate to say it, but I am a guy. If you are telling me you are happy and act happy when I am around, I think you are happy. I know it's crazy but I am just not that sophisticated.
> 
> To this day, she treats me like I am a POS. I spend more time with the kids. I cook for them, make them good meals, talk to them etc... I am close to them. When she takes them out, she has to bring friends and alcohol along. It is what it is. I am building a good relationship with my kids and I have some very real examples of what not to do.
> 
> If you constantly blame someone else for what you have done, then you never look at yourself and honestly assess what you have done. I don't think she can honestly look at herself. It's ok. It's her choice and her life and she has already alienated 2 of our 3 kids. I don't feel sorry for her because she was given so many opportunities to stop and see what damage she was doing to everyone, but she never did. Now she has to live with what she has done and it's not going to be easy for her.





Betrayedone said:


> This is one of the most intense, difficult, and honest things I have read on this forum. You are new here but how have you figured this out with such clarity? I would like to hear your story.......D


The above is exactly what I was talking about. Notice how he was to blame for her cheating? Notice how he is still being treated as if he is a pos? If she ever takes any responsibility on her own accord, I would surprised. She is in classic denial. And the "law" will support her in this denial (actually her husband will). She will have to have an incentive to change. She won't just wake one day and admit to her husband that she was TOTALLY wrong about the way she handled things. 

Sadly, this appears to be where my life is headed. I live in a different state than he does, but the laws are fairly similar. Marriage needs to be abolished in this country. It serves no real purpose. And when it goes south, it can ruin your finances and relationship with your kids. All young men should think twice about marriage & children. This new world we live in is not conducive to living as our forefathers did. Loyalty, respect, honor and trust are sorely lacking in this day & age.


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## DeeDawn

Wow, so many topics I can relate to on this site. I am the mentally ill one. I see a doctor regularly but due to insurance changes so often I end up having to go to a new doctor and have to start back at square one. I faithfully take all 5 of my meds. Have taken as many as 12 and as few as one. It always comes back. 22 years of this. So tired of it all. Husband turned to porn and said 50% of it was my fault. I can not cope with all of this. Paranoid he isn't telling the whole truth. Yeah, I have tried to end my life but i'm still here. See new counselor Friday with husband. I hope we can make it. Guess it is all my fault. Just can't deal with this hurt.


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## The Lonely Stoner

Don't end your life, change your life. 


QUICKLY!!!!


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