# I am so confused



## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Ok, so I went to my baseball game and my sons and son in law play on my team. So my stbxw went to the gamem no problem great. It was nice to see her there. So heres the deal - after the game, the guys on the team wanted to get together to grab a beer and dinner. I asked her if she wanted to come eith us, she said no that she would just go home. So i went with the guys for an hour and a half
When I got home, she was visibly upset. I can see the hate in her. She wouldnot look at me, shut the bedroom door, packed up a lot of stuff from the room so obvious she wants to us to go our ways so fast. I dont know how much more vindictiveness i can take. I can feel the hate. Do I really need to sit here and take this crap. I mean, i dont know what it is she wants from me. I think it abgers her that I dont look like I am sad, angry, whatever. Sh%$t 8I need peace. She is so rude to me right now. I want so much to talk to my kids about this because it is my sons that invited me to the after game get together and I feel like letting thwm now that there mother is pisseat me again. I wont do that though because I dont want to make them miserable and I dont want to get them more upset at there mother than they already are. I just want EVERYONE civil. What the h&*ll does it take to do that!! Sorry just venting here.
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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Maybe she was hoping you would be the one to go home so she could go out have the fun. It sound like she doesn't want to be around you so she cut off her nose to spite her face. I mean she could have gone but instead of being around you she choose to stay home and choose not to have fun b/c you were there. 

Could it be she is pisssed that # 1 you went and ruined her fun # 2 she sould have gone anyway but didn't?


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Guy, i think she might be so angry that she wanted me to do these thing with her before and now she thinks i am going out to spite her which couldn' t be farther from the truth. I am just trying to continue to live my life - she could have been there right beside me. I cant just lay down and whine or wallow in my own self pity. I dunno, if I knew how to mind read her i would but i cant. Anyway, i am so tired of walking on eggshells. I am still just learning how to be alone and I am not liking it so far.
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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Actually this 180 thing seems to really be pissing her off. I guess she expected me to feel as miserable as she is. I don't know what it is but I can feel the loathing she has for me at times. She blames me for her having to ask for a divorce because I couldn't be what she wanted me to be. Kind of weird in way because that means she would rather have stayed and shes angry. I need a Tylenol!
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## Niceguy13 (Apr 7, 2011)

That is self loathing being deflected. It will get worse and she will eventualy crash and burn.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Not what I want for her. I spent my life loving this woman and still do but she is a difficult person to love.
_Posted via Mobile Device_ I dont know why she couldn't see the best in me and tell me. For the past five years ive been hearing how I dont act like this and i dont do this and that. Well she has told me im a great father but never told me im a good husband. Others have had to tell me that.


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## Niceguy13 (Apr 7, 2011)

Yeah but the road to recovery is a long one. You have made your peace with the choices made she ahs not. And until she is ready to look at herself she is going to lash out and blame others. Not much you can do about it besides ignore it and not engage when she is lashing out.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Thanks NG thats what i have been doing and it seems to just distance her more. I think she wants to push my buttons enough to cause confrontation and i am just not going there
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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

I am so glad you guys are on here. You guys have been my counselors in a way. There are things that I can not talk to my children about even though they are grown. They have been through too much pain already and it is not right to make them suffer more. The folllowing would tear them up.

OK, so she is throwing many things (almost everything I think) in the trash that reminds her of our 36 year marriage and attempts in the past to save it. She has thrown away all of her spiritual books, she has thrown away a bunch of jewelry that my mother has given her, some from her sister and some she has bought. I wish she would have given my daughter a chance to keep some of it as keepsake. It is tearing my heart apart to see her trying to erase our past. So many years and 3 super great children. I can't bear to see her in a rage throw away so many things that held value to us. I guess that is how it is. This gets worse every day; I have not gone through my things yet and do not yet know what I will do with many of them but I will not erase my past completely. I don't want things to remind me of the bad times but many of those things were good and got us through a lot. I can't seem to cry, I don't know if it is the anti anxiety drug I am taking or if I am just stunned, or just angry. I don't feel angry, what I feel is really hurt. I pulled out of the trash a diamond tennis bracelet I think her sister gave her. Honestly, I don't know where it came from but I am going tomorow to an appraiser to see if it is of value. The one I gave her a few years back was real and it was stolen when we went to Las Vegas. I feel like crap going through the garbage but I would have thought that this is something my daughter would want. I am hanging on to it. Maybe my stbxw did not want to ever see it again, not even on my daughter. Or maybe it is not real diamonds, I don't know, they look real to me.

In a way I feel like I am betraying her because I looked in the trash bag she threw out yesterday after cleaning out our bedroom. Oh God, I need to find some peace.

I know many of you on here have gone through this and I would welcome your comments on how you dealt with this. For those of you who have not done this yet, I will pray for you because it is very hard to see. I am thankful that I have you guys on here as I said already, there is no way I could talk to my kids about this, especially my daughter, it would hurt her deeply.


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## Niceguy13 (Apr 7, 2011)

when you notice her throwing away jewerly quietly go save it from the bin. At the very least your daughter will appreciate the heirloom stuff and at the very best if your mrs wakes up and smells the cofee she will appreciate that you did it. Do not let her know you are saving it from the bin now though. either that or just ask her to offer it to your guys daughter who might value it instead of just scrapping it.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Ya its hard to see the ones we love suffer b/c of there own demise, but the suffering is what she needs. Kind of like the scratching the scap.. it hurt then it heals.

I would think you would like her to be so upset....hopefully she will see its not what she thought it would be, and she changes her mind set. 

You canfident and she sees it. she may see a change man in front of her, but is to stuborn to say "uncle I give".

Any way stay the course and let her find the bottom of the burel and then help her out as long as its with you ...with a new commitment.

But you never know some folk will go to there grave out of spit, even of them selves...along in a foal apartment full of cats.


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## Niceguy13 (Apr 7, 2011)

The guy did "the gal" find your account and hack it? Your spelling is usualy so much better  I will blame it on the hour wherever you are.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

NG, thanks. That is exactly what I am doing with some of it. The stuff that I think my daughter would want. I am afraid to take it all out for she might notice. Thanks for your kind words all.


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## AnthonyC (May 3, 2011)

My wife was doing the same thing before our separation, she kept on testing my patience with her attitude and behavior, but I held strong and did not cave. I think that may have had the the opposite affect I wanted, because it seemed that the nicer i was to her, the more irritated and worst her behavior was getting. 

I guess eventually she literally did "crash and burn" in the end.

The worst thing is she even admitted it in therapy sessions that she knew what she was doing. 

It sounds like she is bottling up her anger, and as of right now, anything you do... can and will be held against you in HER virtual court of law that exists in her head. My suggestion is to confront her about her behavior in a non threatening passive way. Ask her what is going on, what is bothering her. Then the ball with be in her court and whatever comes out, you need be as passive, non threatening, understanding as possible. (I know it is easier said than done, sometimes... there is no making sense or logic... it is just the way it is)


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Yeah AnthonyC, I am thinking bipolar. Today she got home and was perfectly friendly. I am just looking at this and thinking, has she gone insane. Anyway, I can't really ask to talk to her when she is in a fit of rage - and I don't mean physical fighting rage, I mean, the stare I get like I disgust her type of rage. Anyway, my best bet was to salvage what I could from the garbage and hide it away. Tomorrow, I am going to have the tennis bracelet appraised just to see how off her rocker she may have been by throwing something valuable in the trash. To be honest with you, when she is in her spiteful mode, I just don't even want to talk to her - something might set me off and I like being the calm under control one. You are righy when you say that when she sees me calm she gets more infuriated. I don't know where all the anger is coming from. She must be exhausted from it by now.


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## Niceguy13 (Apr 7, 2011)

OK we are talking a TENNIS bracelet....... I am not a matearilistic person in the least but a ****ing tennis bracelet....woman I could feed my family for a year for what one of those costs......*smashes head into wall repeatedly*


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Yes exactly. Now, there is another twist to this story unrelated to my current plight - sort of. So I bought her a diamond tennis bracelet for our 20th anniversary. Nice bracelet, we go to Vegas 4 yours later and it get jacked - stolen! That hurt, it was never recovered. So when I found another tennis bracelet in the stuff she threw away, along with a bunch of other jewelry, I was perplexed. Why perplexed you ask, well because I don't remember her having another one. So then, silly me, starts to think, I don't ever remember seeing that bracelet. So the brain starts ticking - WAS IT THE GUY SHE HAD THE EA/PA with 10 years ago that may have given it to her and she never wanted me to know she had it? I don't know but the plot thickens. First order of business is to see if there is any value to the bracelet or is it simply a fake.


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