# Going through "restart", need opinion on body and wardrobe



## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Trying to restart my life after 12yrs with the SO. I am at a loss to understand what women are willing to admit and what they REALLY are looking for. Not that I am going to go and change ME all that much, I need to understand where I am at I guess. 

I am probably confidence depleted from playing with dating sites. I read that about every woman wants an "in shape" guy. To be fair though, I really could only feed good with someone that exercises. Not because they look great, but health is something important to me and I would like to go hiking and such WITH my SO!!!

I am 35, just under 6ft, 205, redish hair, an sort of freckled skin in places. I found that a LOT of women either want dark hair and skin or blonde hair with a tan. What I find interesting is the women I think I would make a match with (judging on previous mates when I was younger), they won't even respond. But I get contacts daily from heavier women that I am not attracted to. 

I probably seem superficial now. I really do NOT like the model type (skin/bones), I prefer shapely but mostly in shape. More than anything, a real personality and smarts!!! I am smart and have what I think is a good personality. 

So, I am curious, what body type do you prefer? Is there a market for a clean cut citified farm boy type that wears boots a lot and does not fit the "pretty boy" mold? I have a feeling my hair and skin screw me. Mostly because I was usually the pick AFTER there was conversation. Women would approach my **** blocking friends first only to find they were light on everything but looks. 

I have a few lbs on me (working on now) but still mostly an athletic build (very athletic 10yrs ago), but probably not in my prime. Should I just stay off the market until my body is where I want it or is that asking for another dud relationship if I don't maintain a flawless bod? 

On a second note, I would really like to know where a somewhat shy guy meets women? Bars get me in trouble or find trash. Proven that I must not show well online. Just about everyone I have noticed thinking "wow", they have a rock. Figures....

My type is reasonably athletic, with a life otherwise, sweet or kind, softer features, giving, and NOT a *itch! I have only dated "nice" girls. I consider myself mostly a nice guy. Probably why I am finishing last...


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

You didn't say anything about your job, income, etc. Do you have that on your resume?

I heard that Melania Trump was asked one time: "Would you have married Donald if he wasn't so rich?" her reply back was, "Would he have married me if I wasn't so beautiful?". 

My point is that there is a package people are looking for. You want someone who is intelligent, fit, athletic and attractive. What are you offering back besides you used to be athletic?


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Hmm, that is a part that puts me on a path of "f it" until I get where I want to go. Seems every woman wants to see 6 figures or no-go. I am a degree professional that is on a self employment path to great success not not quite there. Hopefully only another 1-2 yrs and deep into my work. Put it this way, I am far from just a "dreamer with a dream" IMO. I have a lot of paid off business assets working towards my goals. 

I am NOT 'broke on my ass without a job" but I am at a point of needing to invest a LOT in my work. The main issue is I had the goal of finding someone that will accept me BEFORE I get to the top. After all, it has been proven that cash buys hotness. If you need cash to stay with me, pis off. It absolutely makes me sick to see men that work hard making 6 figures and when they lose their job, the big D is right after that.... As a man, I highly suspect the lifestyle changed and to ol lady still needs the Benz. They say they don't but 6mo after, they are with someone else that has MORE money.....

In short, I am an engineer, mechanical/electrical repair guru, great personality, like being active, like going fast, etc. 

I guess I have to be honest of "what can I offer today"? I am no longer the football/track stud, I am not in prime physical condition, I do not have an endless checkbook. Am I screwed?

I have realized that the 3 things I have in spades, my sense of humor which easily breaks the ice, my intelligence which is usually above most that I meet, and my athleticism even when not primed. I cannot run a 5K all the way right now but there are certain things that are naturally shine for me.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

It depends of what your definition of screwed is.

What I have read is that: You are not a stud, not in great shape, don't have much money, and will need a couple more years to get your business going.

So you are a work in progress, BUT, you want: a sweet, kind, smart, a real personality, attractive woman who is already in shape, doesn't need your money and who will appreciate you the way you are and is willing to invest in you for a couple of years until you get in shape and get your business going.

In addition to this: You are not interested in a woman who may need a couple years to get her body in shape, or who is not financially independent because you can't afford to be the bread winner.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

You force me to put a layer of realism on that. YEP. 

Lets put a couple things straight, if I sold what I have now to recapture my cap gains, I would not have to work for several years. 

If I had the time to workout every day (or all day like some dudes), I can be in my prime in 30 days. It will not take months or years. even on my pace, 90 days works for me. 

I have ZERO issue with someone in my same position and rather prefer it. lets work together. I realize that at my age, I am going to likely have to settle for someone that has kids, the big D, etc. That is not a hit, it just means I am now damaged goods. I would almost question more someone that has never been married or have kids. 


I hear you loud and clear though. Put myself back to my high school days and make a million and plan to give it to someone if I want a relationship. She better be HOT!!! lol


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Wow, after doing a little reading, I can almost see where some women get nervous with employment. Make it known that I have owned the same home for 14yrs, have a lot of equity, pay for everything, my 2005 truck is paid for, motorcycle is paid for, etc. I could give two jingles with my connections have have a 60-80K job in 1-2 days. 

I don't have 50K of ridiculous debt, I am smart with money and investments. I am NOT looking for someone to pay my way. To be honest, any match for me would be fairly reasonable with their money. I have never dated someone that was hugely in debt for had a shopping addiction.

I guess I feel bad I did not have relatives to leave me a big bank account or lake homes like my friends. I have to earn what I have.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

bob, I am not saying that you have to be in great shape and make a million. I was just trying to get you to see the bigger picture.

If you are an average guy and want a hot woman with a good personality, etc., then you need to add to the package. Look at Donald, he definitely is NOT HOT, BUT, he has other assets.

Now, I definitely don't think money is everything, and you can be just as unhappy with it as without it, but it does add to the package if you are shopping for a mate.

The other thing I was hoping to get you to think about is that you do seem to want a bigger package than what you are offering. You are put out because women are judging you by your looks, that they only want to go out with you AFTER they have gotten to know you a bit. BUT you are doing the same thing to the women who contact you, you don't even want a first date with them because of their looks (weight). Maybe they have great personalities and a lot more to offer?

I know I have not answered your question on what women are looking for. Obviously everyone is different, and you seem to already know what the issue is. The answer is getting into positions where you can meet and talk with the women so they can get to know you. Have you tried volunteering at the soup kitchens, habitat for humanity, going to a local church with a singles group or other such opportunities in your area?

Maybe someone else will chime in with some other ideas.....


By the way, why do you think you are damaged goods because you may have to date women who have kids or have been D?


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

I am still trying to grasp the fact that I am now old. 20s was great. Rolled 30 and was not happy. My mother just rolled 60 and is depressed so we must not age gracefully. Call it what you want. 

Yeah, I might have image issues because I was raised FIRM catholic. You marry young and marry ONCE. I never married because something just was not right even thought we were locked 12 yrs w 2 kids. 

However, I think meeting at a church group seems like a disaster. Never agreed with tying up just to find out your SO is a stiff in bed. That just takes 10yrs before the big D sets in... 

Other other SO is guilty of false advertising. Things were great to start, then tapered to ZERO attention. With the big "list" of demands by the women, I feel inclined to add my my list. 

My former SO was great at making dinner and doing clothes (which I helped with!) but never felt like personal time or intimacy was important. If I did EVERYTHING to make her evening perfect, it would not matter.

One thing I learned is my skills don't mean squat. My bank account does. I fixed both her cars, did her taxes, fixed her house issues, improved her house so she could net 15K when she sold it, fix all the HVAC and appliances, etc. In short, there is not much I don't do so lets not get bent about how she worked so hard and I did nothing. If the AC breaks at 10PM, I work all night or do what it takes to make it right.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

bob, it depends on the girl and several other factors such as her love language. Have you read on the 5 love languages? Maybe you were not speaking your ex's love language.

As for the bank account. For thousands of years women needed a man who would provide for her and their family. There has always been gender roles. Just because we live in more "modern" times where women can now provide for themselves, doesn't mean that all that primitive hard wiring in their brains, that has been there for thousands of years, is going to magically disappear. We are still human, women are still looking for a mate that can, and will, provide for her and their family. So yes, a larger bank account matters.

The difference that I see in todays society is that men no longer think it should be their responsibility, that the women should be equal partners in their financial stability. And not only this, but all the traditional gender roles have gotten all messed up.

Yes, many women say they like this lifestyle, but, they are still hard wired to want a man who can provide.

There should be no less shame in a woman wanting a man who can provide a comfortable lifestyle than for a man to want to be with a woman he finds physically attractive. Women are not gold diggers any more than men are superficial.

As for finding someone, I have several single friends and they all have the same problem. Doesn't matter how old you are, it is just hard once you get past that college age and are not around a group of singles any more. You just have to keep putting yourself out there and be open to those who you meet.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

bobsmith said:


> I am probably confidence depleted from playing with dating sites. I read that about every woman wants an "in shape" guy. To be fair though, I really could only feed good with someone that exercises. *Not because they look great, but health is something important to me and I would like to go hiking and such WITH my SO!!!*


This would appeal to me. Doing a healthy activity together is a win-win.


bobsmith said:


> I am 35, just under 6ft, 205, redish hair, an sort of freckled skin in places.
> 
> So, I am curious, what body type do you prefer? Is there a market for a clean cut citified farm boy type that wears boots a lot and does not fit the "pretty boy" mold?


I like someone taller than me, fit and athletic, not necessarily very muscular though. 



bobsmith said:


> I have a few lbs on me (working on now) but still mostly an athletic build (very athletic 10yrs ago), but probably not in my prime. Should I just stay off the market until my body is where I want it or is that asking for another dud relationship if I don't maintain a flawless bod?


You're not Quasimodo. Go out there and date. You don't have to put yourself on the shelf until you get ripped. I'm sure there's a market for clean cut yet urban farm boy types. 


bobsmith said:


> On a second note, I would really like to know where a somewhat shy guy meets women? Bars get me in trouble or find trash. Proven that I must not show well online. Just about everyone I have noticed thinking "wow", they have a rock. Figures....
> 
> My type is reasonably athletic, with a life otherwise, sweet or kind, softer features, giving, and NOT a *itch! I have only dated "nice" girls. I consider myself mostly a nice guy. Probably why I am finishing last...


You don't sound to me like your expectations are too high.

Just get involved in volunteer groups in you community. Join groups whose interests match your own. Check out meetup.com for activities in your area. There are a variety of group activities in each area. If you like hiking, join some hiking groups. Go to beer or wine tastings. Join a book club. You don't sound like the bar/club scene type of guy so avoid those.

Maybe your online profile isn't doing you any favors. Post it here and we could probably improve it for you.


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## SolidSnake (Dec 6, 2011)

Go on meetup.com or join local interest groups to meet women. Hiking, mountain biking, soccer, political groups, whatever strikes your fancy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

What about wardrobe? Most of the men I see in your age range seem to live in t-shirts and jeans. Try a shirt with a collar and nicer slacks to get an edge up on the competition.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

I agree, clothing is important. The older you get the less cute it is to live in jeans/sweatpants. 

Manners are important as well. If a guy opens my car door and makes sure I am comfortably seated - SWOON. Seems like a lot of guys nowadays forget to do the small (and free!) things that make a lady feel feminine and desirable.

Pretty much agree with everything JustHer said. It seems like you expect women to "give you a chance" despite not being in peak physical or financial condition yet you are unwilling to reciprocate. Honestly, I'd say try taking out one of the full figured gals chasing you. If nothing else it's good practice and you might surprise yourself by finding some attraction/chemistry. 

I went out with a guy once who from his pics looked "ok but not really my type." The in-person chemistry was insane, we couldn't keep our hands off each other. My point being - you never know!


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

I agree with people saying that your desire for an outdoorsy athletic type of lifestyle is a big yes to a lot of women, well at least for me. A guy, regardless of his job, who has a hobby that is involves something like hiking, camping, BASE jumping, diving, kayaking, rock climbing etc is super attractive in my book! Proving they have an adventurous soul and zest for life is way more of a plus than a 6 figure job or a built guy that does nothing besides the gym.

And as far as clothing, that really differs from woman to woman. I don't really like a guy that is metrosexual, but some women do. I like a guy that is scruffy and dresses a la REI, but yet can get cleaned up when (and only when) the occasion calls for it. I know people hate hearing this, but especially for us shy people you just kind of find the right person when you aren't really looking. That's how my husband and I found each other, sort of by accident. I was never into forced meetings/dates and bars and whatnot. If you are into outdoors and hiking like you say, perhaps that is how you can accidently find a cool chick.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Well, I will never be a metro guy! I'll admit that it sort of depresses me to see all thee hot women go after a man that knows more about hair gel than his lawn mower and needs instructions on how to change a light bulb. I would consider myself a little more manly and I simply cannot change that. 

I wear a dress shirt and slacks to special occasions but typically going out I might wear my good boots, sort of designer wrangler jeans (no shiny crap), and a button up shirt. I don't dress like a cowboy I don't believe, just a more western look. 

In the summer I would commonly wear a polo with kacky(sp) cargo shorts and Nikes if I don't wear jeans. Maybe it is where I live but jeans are common, even for the girls. 

Main issue where I live is there is not much going on. No hiking, no trails, only a few 5Ks and 10Ks and I honestly hate them or at least I never will be a distance runner. I am seriously troubled is figuring out how to meet women. I have always been very likable but I have heard I can be intimidating. Not sure how to change that. 

I will be honest here, I am not comfortable going out alone mostly because where I live, 90% of people are hooked up and I have no idea how to look relaxed with absolutely no one to talk to. Usually as it happens, someone that I am no where close to attracted to will come talk to me and I rarely just push people off so then I look attached or have to figure out how to get away. 

Guess this was so much easier back in my 20s where 50% were not attached and always someone to go out with. Hell, I can't even think of ANYONE in my circle that is not attached. 

I sort of agree with meeting rather than online. It has always shocked me how I can figure determine if I am attracted just by how women walk, talk, smile, etc. 

Then I have my kids as spoilers. I have been shopping before and wanted to go talk with someone but had my ADHD kid with me. I declined to engage that awkward moment.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

bob said: "I'll admit that it sort of depresses me to see all thee hot women go after a man that..."

Is it really just about finding a "hot" woman?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Since you don't have any hiking trails and you hate running, how about bicycling? 

By the way, you have kids and they're not going away. Don't ever call them spoilers as they are not. The kids wouldn't turn me off nearly as much as you thinking they're 'spoilers' and the fact that you had them without the benefit of marriage. She was good enough to be the mother of your children but not to marry?

Maybe your problem isn't your weight or your wardrobe but your attitude.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> bob said: "I'll admit that it sort of depresses me to see all thee hot women go after a man that..."
> 
> Is it really just about finding a "hot" woman?


You described yourself, Bob, and although you seem like a nice average dude, you want someone equal or more elevated in all ways including HOT. Which is NOT average. 

I do believe to a good degree in attraction factor - you have to total the things you have going for you and be HONEST with yourself about what you attract. 

This may not be your issue but I've been dating for 10 years now (yikes) post-divorce and I can tell you in general, men think they are 'average' when they look pretty 'meh', carry a bit of a belly and earn a mediocre income. 

Men would look at a woman in in the same situation and rank her lower. It seems (again, generalizing - might not be you) that men are a bit more in denial about their attraction level and in their head they are still 30 when they look in the mirror whereas women are actually HARDER on themselves and critique every laugh line and bulge and are more inclined to describe themselves as average when in reality they are over all better than average.


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## TheFlood117 (Mar 24, 2013)

Golden ratio for body type bro. Sharp defined features for face-this can be attained by accentuating the jaw line even for guys that don't have a strong jaw line. You can stream line your jaw line by having a stubble and shaving it and grooming in regularly, but also completely shaving the hair on the throat area. Also, you should get a hair cut for a sharp jaw line. Go to a stylist. Not a barber. 

As for the wardrobe, you sound like you really don't want to do too much here. I suggest you buy other jeans than wranglers, you need a form fitting jeans and boot cut jeans. They don't have to be designer or anything but you need jeans that you know, show off your ass, hips and legs. By boots, I'm assuming work boots. I would go find a decent pair of boots that are for casual wear, kenneth cole makes great boots especially their harness style of boots, Ralph Lauren has decent stuff under 200 bucks. Recently I bought a couple pairs of boots called Palladium boots, these things are awesome. They're tough, stylish and they're light-like sneaker light and they're really cool. Every boot, jeans combo needs a few other things. As far as shirts, always wear Vnecks-again as they give you jaw line a more defined look. Also, and I think this is very important. 

The Jacket- Now, I love leather jackets, bombers, sport, dress whatever. But for the Boot, jeans t-shirt vibe. It has to be Leather. And it has to be black. And it has to be a bomber. Not always but a nice pair of jeans, stylish boots and vneck white tee paired with a bomber jacket is a look as classic and american as apple pie.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

You just recreated Fonzie. 

ETA - if he wants a woman of substance (which I'm not sure he does) nice loafers or boots with decent jeans (even wranglers or levis) are fine with an open neck collared shirt and a low-key blazer. He does NOT strike me as a Michael Kors guy. He'll only attract gold diggers or put out an image that is not commensurate with his lifestyle.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

EnjoliWoman said:


> You just recreated Fonzie.


Are you in my brain? I was just refraining from commenting about how surely no woman can resist a guy in a Fonzie costume! 





(if you are in my brain, could you please take this ridiculous jingle that's stuck in my head when you go??)


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

COGypsy said:


> Are you in my brain? I was just refraining from commenting about how surely no woman can resist a guy in a Fonzie costume!
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Too stereotypical. LOL OK fine, I'll remove the jingle. Replaced it with itsy bitsy spider!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

EnjoliWoman said:


> You just recreated Fonzie.
> 
> ETA - if he wants a woman of substance (which I'm not sure he does) nice loafers or boots with decent jeans (even wranglers or levis) are fine with an open neck collared shirt and a low-key blazer. He does NOT strike me as a Michael Kors guy. He'll only attract gold diggers or put out an image that is not commensurate with his lifestyle.


The one big problem with dressing like the Fonz is the Fonz didn't look like Opie.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Thanks a bunch for the feedback ladies. I don't wish to make the impression that I am looking for an air head hottie. It just puzzles me when I see a girl with nice FEATURES that could probably make company with her choosing and chooses Dbags that wear girl jeans and get a fake tan on Fridays. 

My look is Ariat Rambler square toes with Wrangler 20X style 42 jeans in size 34x34. Believe me, if there is one thing about me, I can be picky about how my clothes fit! 3 stores and all day later, I bought "1" pair.....lol They have a nice wash and fit rather tight. Tight enough to make people say something but I refuse to go to "goat roper tight". Again, NOT going for the hick look even though I farm.... My shirt would likely be eitheer a Polo or button up long sleeve, usually untucked. Have not figured out of tucked or untucked is best for me. 

I have turned down countless "hotties" over the years because you can't carry a conversation with them. I require intelligence to be compatible. Sense of humor will get every time. But again, I have to be honest, I have to have physical attraction too.


ADD: On the marriage thing, we engaged, I put a rock on it. She took it off one day without a word. Went downhill from there. All I got from the MC is her family history indicates "a lack in understanding of how to be in a relationship". That is not a knock on her but since everyone in the fam has been divorced 4x, it makes having a roll model difficult. I am having to leave that whole situation as "I tried, VERY hard". Her dad lived out his last 20 alone. She might just be wired that way...


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

bobsmith said:


> Thanks a bunch for the feedback ladies. I don't wish to make the impression that I am looking for an air head hottie. It just puzzles me when I see a girl with nice FEATURES that could probably make company with her choosing and chooses Dbags that wear girl jeans and get a fake tan on Fridays.
> 
> My look is Ariat Rambler square toes with Wrangler 20X style 42 jeans in size 34x34. Believe me, if there is one thing about me, I can be picky about how my clothes fit! 3 stores and all day later, I bought "1" pair.....lol They have a nice wash and fit rather tight. Tight enough to make people say something but I refuse to go to "goat roper tight". Again, NOT going for the hick look even though I farm.... My shirt would likely be eitheer a Polo or button up long sleeve, usually untucked. Have not figured out of tucked or untucked is best for me.


Ok I could be 100% wrong but if you are going for a western or country look I would expect to attract a more "meat and potatoes" type gal than a slender fitness bunny. 

You don't have to go "tight jean dbag" either (in fact I would say hell to the no to tight ass jeans on men) but maybe you can update your look a bit with some pieces like the below:

Shawl Collar Sweater
Cowichan Sweater

Paired Over:
Chambray Work Shirt
Pendleton Wool Snap Shirt

With some cool jeans (Selvedge denim dark wash if possible) and your boots? I love guys who dress in western and work wear but if the fits & prints are funky it starts to look like Osh Kosh B'Gosh. 

You can get really good deals on clothing on ebay searching with the above key words. Also buy a GQ magazine, pick out a decent haircut and get thee to a good stylist/barber. 

Lastly make sure your online photos are sized properly so they aren't pixelated. Use a really good headshot as the main pic then include activity pics of yourself (working on your car, drinking a scotch, etc.) as the additional pics. 

If you keep reaching out to women who don't seem interested in writing back - you are probably trying to rise too far above your raisin. I maintain you should try giving at least one of the girls who is interested in you a chance. Seems weird not one person is up to your standards in the looks department.


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## 1971 (Mar 7, 2013)

You are certainly not screwed.

My advice would be to join some sporting/social groups. Try something new.

As for clothes everyone has different taste but I have included some links for you. My advice regarding a wardrobe is keep it simple, no plaids or prints. Short sleeves are only for t-shirts and polos, never button shirts. If you're still unsure buy the whole outfit in the window of the menswear shop, the window dresser should be a professional.

Casual

Weekend Update - Panelled Crew Sweat


One last thing, good posture is very important. Stand tall and be confident.

Also any female interested in your income isn't worth knowing, move on.

It might take some time but she is out there


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

bobsmith said:


> Hmm, that is a part that puts me on a path of "f it" until I get where I want to go. Seems every woman wants to see 6 figures or no-go.


You sound really bitter.

THAT is not attractive.

btw, I would LOVE to date a guy with red hair and freckles. Was in fact engaged to one at one point.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

bobsmith said:


> My look is Ariat Rambler square toes with Wrangler 20X style 42 jeans in size 34x34.


Unless you're looking for a country girl, ditch the Wrangler jeans. I don't know a single person (I'm not in the country genre) who wears Wranglers.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you really want to meet someone you're a good match with, ditch the dating sites and sign up for things you like to do. Take a cooking class, or sign up for junior college night classes, or learn how to play tennis and join a club, or volunteer for something you care about. 

The women you meet doing things you love will be the ones who have the temperament and personality you're looking for. Become friends with them, learn more about them, and THEN see if you want to date one of them. Be friends first.

And you may want to buck your maleness and look beyond a woman's 'beauty rating' and stop ignoring all the women who are not at least an 8. Most beauties have issues and most 'normal looking' women have MUCH more to offer. I know it's hard, you're a guy, but trust me on this.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

turnera said:


> If you really want to meet someone you're a good match with, ditch the dating sites and sign up for things you like to do. Take a cooking class, or sign up for junior college night classes, or learn how to play tennis and join a club, or volunteer for something you care about.
> 
> The women you meet doing things you love will be the ones who have the temperament and personality you're looking for. Become friends with them, learn more about them, and THEN see if you want to date one of them. Be friends first.



:iagree:

Also, OP, I would recommend that you either stop viewing your child as an aggravating hindrance or at least stop indicating that he/she is to others. Your comment about your ADHD kid being a spoiler who creates awkward moments that inhibit your ability to hit on women would be a complete nonstarter for me. Many women will be turned off by that attitude regarding your own child - no matter how charming, fit, or well-dressed you are.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Rowan said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Also, OP, I would recommend that you either stop viewing your child as an aggravating hindrance or at least stop indicating that he/she is to others. Your comment about your ADHD kid being a spoiler who creates awkward moments that inhibit your ability to hit on women would be a complete nonstarter for me. Many women will be turned off by that attitude regarding your own child - no matter how charming, fit, or well-dressed you are.


I watch Millionaire Matchmaker all the time (you learn SO much!) and one time there was this millionaire guy who had a kid but hadn't seen the kid since the year it was born. His excuse was that the woman took the kid away so it was out of his hands (barf). The matchmaker warned him to find a way to make amends or he would turn the women off. Well, she throws the party for him where he meets his potential matches, and the subject of kids comes up, and every single time he tells a woman that he has a child, you see her go ahhh, how cute, and then the instant he says he hasn't seen the kid in 10 years, it's like screeeech! Full stop disgust, pulling away, and the light in her eyes goes off. 

Women do NOT want men who don't like kids, typically. Not saying you don't, just that, if you come across that way, you shoot yourself in the foot.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

I get the feeling not one person even looked up the Wrangler jean I mentioned. I even gave the series and style. I am NOT a wrangler guy and have not worn a pair since I was 12yo but this is their designer line. I was surprised. I guarantee you would not know by looking at them. However, I know women are fixated on a name tag. I know this because all the glams in Hollywood use the term "who are you wearing". You could wear a bed sheet but if it has X name on it, ooohhh. 

My kids stress me. I cannot expect someone WITHOUT a child with ADHD/autism to get it. I don't hate my kids but it is never attractive to try and talk while having keep telling your kid, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

I don't really care if the woman does not mind, it is hard enough for me to try and talk to a potential date, much less trying to do that with constant distraction.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

bobsmith said:


> My kids stress me. I cannot expect someone WITHOUT a child with ADHD/autism to get it. I don't hate my kids but it is never attractive to try and talk while having keep telling your kid, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.


I do not have an autistic child. That must be very hard. However, I do have a son with ADHD who also deals with a rather severe facial birth defect, lingering health issues, and some processing/executive function issues that make life a bit of a challenge. Learning to deal with him, and other people's reactions to him, with grace has been a challenge. So I do somewhat understand. 

That said, it will still be off-putting to many women if you are clearly stressed and aggravated by your own children. Capable is a turn-on. Freaking out when dealing with their kids is really not. And the appearance of resentment for having to deal with your children will be a hell to the no for many women. As I said, you will either need to stop viewing your kids as an aggravating hindrance, or at least stop letting other people know that you do. I get not approaching women while with your children, particularly if they stress you out. I don't get referring to your kids as spoilers. It's the attitude that your children are getting in your way that's the problem.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

FrenchFry said:


> No. Most women are not fixated on a name tag. Hollywood is it's own subset of rules which most women do not abide by. If your jeans look nice and well fitting most women are not going to be angling to see what name brand they are.
> 
> Specific women will though. If you aren't looking to attract those kind of women, your jeans brand isn't going to be an issue.


I'm not sure I've ever bothered to look at what brand of jeans - or any other item of apparel - a man is wearing.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Rowan, it was mentioned above that "I should ditch the wranglers" because I will only attract cowgirls. 

However, I have always had to laugh when I see a guy in obvious work boots, and some designer jeans that are not straight leg or bootcut. I chose that jean because the fit is RIGHT for the look.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

bobsmith said:


> My kids stress me. I cannot expect someone WITHOUT a child with ADHD/autism to get it. I don't hate my kids but it is never attractive to try and talk while having keep telling your kid, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
> 
> I don't really care if the woman does not mind, it is hard enough for me to try and talk to a potential date, much less trying to do that with constant distraction.


bob, I hate to say this, but it sounds like you have some growing up to do - and the women sense that. You are at an age where most women you are going to date either has kids, or wants kids. Your attitude towards your own kids is a turn off at best. If you feel this way with your own, how are you going to feel about theirs, especially if they have a special needs child - or heaven forbid you two have one together (after all, the autism spectrum disorder is up to 1/100)? And, there is something about the way you talk about your kids that makes me wonder how you treat them. (And yes, I do know what it is like to have a special needs child and the stressor that it can be)

Most men in your situation wouldn't just be looking for a wife, they would also be looking for a good step mom. You don't seem to care about that at all, it is all about you. In fact, while I am writing this I got the feeling that you think most the women who contact you aren't good enough for you, and I am wondering if even your own kids are good enough for you. 

I don't know bob, but maybe you come across a bit more selfish and arrogant than what you think you do?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

bobsmith said:


> However, I know women are fixated on a name tag.


Yes, we are! lol

I still remember cutting the 'Wrangler guys' out of the herd, so to speak, when I was younger and looking. Maybe it's different here, in the south, IDK, but here, there's a distinct line in who wears what.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

bobsmith said:


> My kids stress me. I cannot expect someone WITHOUT a child with ADHD/autism to get it. I don't hate my kids but it is never attractive to try and talk while having keep telling your kid, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
> 
> I don't really care if the woman does not mind, it is hard enough for me to try and talk to a potential date, much less trying to do that with constant distraction.


Well, why not try not chatting up women when you have your son with you? Reserve that for times when he is with someone else, at least until you get to know a woman? Most people do that, anyway - they don't have their kids around anyone they may date until they've decided that it's going to be a long-term relationship. Helps with not confusing the kids or sending wrong signals to the kids.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Actually even my X refers to me as a good dad. I am not too concerned with that. Sorry if I seem selfish in my mate. I feel I am entitled to someone "I" am happy with. If they are right for me, they WILL be the motherly type anyway. Never dated ANYONE that was not solid in that trait. 

I seem to have put several off by admitting that I was not attracted to women that weight twice what I do. I have learned that I simply cannot force myself to be attracted to someone. I don't date model types and not looking for one.


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## Csquare (Jan 14, 2014)

Try putting your kids on the GAPS diet (gut and psychology syndrome by dr. Natasha Campbell-McBride a neurosurgeon who cured her severely autistic kid on this diet.)

Put the word out with your friends, kids' friends parents, work buddies, family, etc. that you are hoping to meet someone and do they know any quality single women for you to meet. Old-fashioned networking. Ask for a set up.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

I'm a bit confused Bob - you asked for opinions but continue fighting that you are "right" about what you are already doing. Seeing as you have no dates to your liking - I'm sure there's room for some improvement in regards to your outward appearance and attitude. 

From your physical descriptor you sound chubby, which is fine, I am too and am slowly but surely working it off. That said, it doesn't make sense for you or myself to demand a super fit and active partner. We need to be open. I have dated buff guys, but I've dated a chubsters with an awesome personality too. Attraction is a hard thing to define and as you get older you can meet awesome people if you are less shallow.

Agree with the other ladies - I would find your attitude toward your children and women in general a turnoff. It seems very negative and no one wants to date someone radiating bitterness even if we all feel that way sometimes. Not sure about the Wranglers, I have seen some really cool vintage ones. Most women could care less about the name brand, we are more interested in quality. Also a dark wash is more modern than lighter jeans.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Let me see if I can find a pic. That should help. I do not really consider myself chubby. My high school football weight was 192 and tested at 12% BF. I am now at 205. I have never been skin and bones though, I have some muscle. 

You have to understand (trying not to seem conceded), I was very athletic most of my life so not being in my prime is hard for me to swallow right now. I can't believe there are only two camps, chubby, and extremely fit. I consider myself "mostly" fit but being a father and provider has to come first.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I had lunch with my 23 year old daughter today and I asked her about a man in Wrangler jeans. She grimaced and said 'No way!' But, again, maybe that's just here in Texas.

bob, remember this: men are very visual, they judge first on looks and then if the girl is hot enough, then they'll wonder about who the girl REALLY is (her personality). Girls, not nearly as much. We like hot guys, but we don't completely dismiss everyone who doesn't have a sixpack or isn't an 8 or a 9. We talk. We judge a guy mostly on his confidence, his laugh, his smile (genuine or wolf?). If he's insecure, huge turnoff. If he's not nice to kids or animals, huge turnoff. His wardrobe, his haircut, his buffness...these aren't nearly as important to us as you guys think they are. We girls dress up because we know that's all guys think about at first. Being a father and provider is MUCH more important to us. 

But then, you have to be in a place where women can meet you to find out those things. Go to a bar, you'll get shallow girls. Join a photography club, you'll get girls who like the same thing you do, and you'll get a chance to talk to them so they'll see how great a guy you are.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Never actually done this! The jeans have a days stretch in them so a little loose but man, I can't imagine being comfortable in slimmer jeans....


If this is a crap look HELP ME!! The shirt I usually untuck but I figured the ladies would only be focusing on the back pockets so....lol


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

Hey those jeans are cool! I actually totally approve. I say keep the shirt tucked. 

One suggestion regarding sleeves - maybe roll them up to 3/4 arm length rather than so far up your arm. They should fall at a mid-point between your elbow and wrist. 

Also you need a cool (not necessarily expensive) watch to accessorize. You could find a really interesting/unique one maybe at your local flea market. Also a dark colored pocket square in your shirt could be a nice touch.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Roll the cuffs twice. Look is ok if you just got done plowing the back 40. I assume when you go out & about the shirt doesn't look like you slept in it. A pressed shirt goes a long way in improving the overall outfit.

Forget about a pocket square. Would look out of place with this type of wardrobe, imo.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

No to pocket square. Yes to only rolling the sleeves up to 3/4 length. Yes to a nice watch, or even a braided leather man bracelet.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

bravenewworld said:


> One suggestion regarding sleeves - maybe roll them up to 3/4 arm length rather than so far up your arm. They should fall at a mid-point between your elbow and wrist.


Exactly. In fact, my DD23 mentioned that today at lunch - rolled up button shirt, between the elbow and the wrist.  But ironed! It doesn't cost that much to have your dry cleaners wash and iron and hang your shirts, but BOY what a difference it makes!

Seriously, though, the jeans look fine, maybe a little too loose.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Man, tough crowd. That shirt is not even that wrinkled, it just is not all starched up. I was pressing shirts when I was 10yo. Obviously my other SO did not care enough about me to even do this. I can't remember one shirt she did more me. 

So, do I look fat? Does this look chubby? I often wonder when someone posts as "a few extra lbs", what that is. I am just unsure how to accurately describe myself. I don't really want to say "athletic and toned". How about WAS athletic and toned...

Why is a watch such a big deal? I personally don't even like them but I guess if it looks better. All things which I hope my next SO will help me with. Just not sure why some women expect real men to know how to make it look good. We don't ask you to know how to change oil or tire..

I guess I am here asking beecause I dunno. I will forever fight with a watch hanging it on stuff and breaking it so it them becomes nothing more than a chick magnet for purpose.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You look fine.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Whoa, your insecurities are showing. You asked for advice, you're getting it.

No, you don't look fat - you look a little beefy (10-15 lbs extra). Some women like that. Do keep the shirt tucked in as it emphasizes your shoulders which seem to be in nice proportion to your waist.

Don't wear a watch or any jewelry if it doesn't suit you. 

Just my preference, but a good looking cowboy hat wouldn't hurt.


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## FizzBomb (Dec 31, 2013)

Your original post sounds like an ad for a dating site 

Some very positive attributes in there. Don't worry about the red hair and freckles, it honestly wouldn't phase me in the slightest - the right woman will be attracted to you as a person. You don't have anything to worry about regarding your looks - just keep up the healthy fitness regimen.

Your jeans are nice.  They need updating though. I wouldn't go out on a date with them. If you're looking to attract the opposite sex you do want to look your best and those jeans are too old fashioned in the fit. I would go for a dark wash denim - they look nicer overall and you can dress them up. I think they would look great worn with a nice shirt (not tucked in) on a date. Look more your age. Skinny jeans aren't for everyone and I personally don't like that look. If you haven't updated your haircut - do so. If you are losing your hair and you have the face for it, try a buzz cut. Something else to think about: oral hygiene. If you haven't been to a dentist lately, its time for a visit.

As for meeting women, I would join in group activities where there are plenty of opportunities to meet like minded people.
Cliches following: be yourself, be truthful and honest, conversely expect honesty. Good luck.


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## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

bobsmith said:


> Never actually done this! The jeans have a days stretch in them so a little loose but man, I can't imagine being comfortable in slimmer jeans....
> 
> 
> If this is a crap look HELP ME!! The shirt I usually untuck but I figured the ladies would only be focusing on the back pockets so....lol


Bob, it looks like you're wearing a garbage bag with oversized slim fitting jeans. The jeans aren't my style but there's nothing really that bad about them. However the shirt needs to go. Get something more form fitting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you go to Kohls and look at dress shirts, you can choose from slim, fitted, and regular shirts.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Wow FrenchFry, I am duly impressed.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Thanks a bunch ladies! I did not know that shirt was that much off point. To be honest, it is probably one of the slimest shirt I have too. Time for some shopping I guess. 

Regarding jeans, I certainly tried on a few pair of TIGHT jeans but man, you can't even move in them!! I guess I can try again. I did notice that if the ass it too tight for me, things start looking wrong IMO. 


Where does a guy go to get shirts that are maybe nice name brand threads, not $100 bucks, but will fit slimmer and is there a certain fit type like slim? 

I do have a bit of an issue that I guess dress shirt do fix for me though. I have longer than normal arms. I started buying tall shirts but then the shirt tail is ridiculous. I will see if I can find one of a real fitted dress shirts and see what you ladies think. Maybe they are not fitted enough. Usually on a dress shirt, you got the neck and you got the arms. Then there is my size which they are always out of. I never liked all the baggyness where the shirt tucks in but maybe I am hard to shop for...

Another, sleeves rolled up once or buttoned? To be honest, I started rolling up simply because sleeve are almost always too short on me. And we all know that ain't GQ. 

I also tend to go out casual with cargo pants and some sort of boot with a t shirt. Again, casual backyard stuff. Is that a no go? I simply do not go to many functions where dress pants of any type are the norm but I do own them.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

bobsmith said:


> Regarding jeans, I certainly tried on a few pair of TIGHT jeans but man, you can't even move in them!! I guess I can try again. I did notice that if the ass it too tight for me, things start looking wrong IMO.


Look for ones that say 'stretch'. Not a lot of stretch, just maybe 5%. It will give you some 'give' in the tighter pants, feel great, and look amazing.



bobsmith said:


> Where does a guy go to get shirts that are maybe nice name brand threads, not $100 bucks, but will fit slimmer and is there a certain fit type like slim?


I've had a lot of luck at Kohls and other stores that cater to younger people like Pacsun or Gap. Most of their shirts will be more slim.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

bobsmith said:


> Another, sleeves rolled up once or buttoned?


Never buttoned! Unless you're taking a woman out to a nice restaurant and have a jacket!



bobsmith said:


> I also tend to go out casual with cargo pants and some sort of boot with a t shirt. Again, casual backyard stuff. Is that a no go?


Are you going to a bonfire? Maybe. On a date? Never. Now, men may actually be DOING this, but quess which guy the women are all looking at? The one who wears nice slacks and a real shirt. That's like a girl wearing hot pants and a bra, for men - can't stop looking at him.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

dude, what you're wearing in the pics is perfectly fine. Exactly along the lines of how I'd want my man to dress. The belt with the jeans looks great too. I like when guys wear belts. Even the jeans I feel are the perfect combination of being somewhat stylish without trying too hard. Definitely don't go more fitted (in my opinion, other women may differ). I personally don't like a guy who is too into fashion, but like I said before, some girls do. But just wanted to make sure you know that lots of chicks dig the straight up manly man who doesn't worry about things like that! And you definitely don't look fat, just a big dude as in beefy and very tall. Probably the one "style" thing that I like to see guys in is a button down flannel in the fall/winter, sleeves rolled up. Not sure if age factors into preferences and perspectives, but for what it's worth I'm in my late 20s. I could go on to other things like i personally really love beards, but a lot of women don't. So I'm not sure if that's great advice. Most seem to prefer clean shaven.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I LOVE men in flannel!


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

You sound like a good man who many women would be interested in, except for your work. Many women are afraid of an entrepreneur unless he has already succeeded. The best places for you to find a woman are places that you are interested in. If you haven’t already, join the Chamber of Commerce and get involved. There are many entrepreneurial women there who think like you do and would not be afraid of what you are doing for a career.
Secondly, make your health more or a priority. To be in optimal health, you should be working out at least 3-4 days per week. This can be done at home, so you don’t have the extra time it takes to work out at a club. You can get an excellent workout at home in an hour or less. Like others have said, if you want a woman who makes health her priority, you have to do it as well.
Personally I usually work out six days per week at home, then shower, then get to work homeschooling my children and working on my website. I’ve been doing this for a couple of years and am in the best shape of my life at 49. It is hard to make it a priority when I am so busy, but I want to be fit and energetic until I’m old. At my age, people start going downhill fast if they don’t do something to keep in shape.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I mean, I think the standard of male beauty is whatI find hot in a man as far as physicality goes: long, lean, good strong arms and nice legs... 

Think Michaengelo's David... or Alexander Skarskgard.

Yet I always seem to end up with men who have skinny legs for some reason. Lol. I love a man with a nice a$$ and my exH di dnot have much of a bum at all but he did it for me for nearly a decade.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

A nice pair of jeans, good shirt, a blazer, shoes go a long way. 

I do love a man who can dress well.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

2galsmom said:


> For the love of frog


:rofl:


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Here is a pic with a fitted dress shirt. Slim fit 17 neck, 35 arm. That is a dress shirt I reserve to use with my suit but I guess I should use it. 

Thoughts? Those jeans are CERTAINLY more stretched out than the day I got them. I remember them hugging my ass like spandex underwear.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If they have any elastic in them, you need to wash them before each use cos they do what they were intended to do - stretch out!

On the shirt, 1) tuck it in better - no doughnut ring just above the belt; and 2) the sleeves need to be rolled up one more time.

And are you sure that dress says it's fitted (and not 'regular')? Doesn't look as fitted as I'm used to.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Keep in mind, I have 15lb extra in there! May wear better when I drop a little more poundage. I can't imagine being able to move at all in anything tighter!! I tried to get a good tuck but as usually, arms are up to tuck and as soon as they go down, there is extra there. Not sure how I would fix that.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You don't look overweight at all. You look great, IMO. The only thing I know to get rid of the doughnut thing is to buy shirts that are more fitted, ie less fabric on the sides.


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## ILoveSparkles (Oct 28, 2013)

bobsmith said:


> Trying to restart my life after 12yrs with the SO. I am at a loss to understand what women are willing to admit and what they REALLY are looking for. Not that I am going to go and change ME all that much, I need to understand where I am at I guess.
> 
> I am probably confidence depleted from playing with dating sites. I read that about every woman wants an "in shape" guy. To be fair though, I really could only feed good with someone that exercises. Not because they look great, but health is something important to me and I would like to go hiking and such WITH my SO!!!
> 
> ...



I haven't read the whole thread yet, but I haven't seen any mention in your first couple responses about *emotional *connection with another woman. You seem focused on looks and financial things. It appears to me that you are looking for a "trophy wife." - Someone who is already "perfect" in your eyes. Not someone who may need a little work, like you admit you need as well.

I say to broaden your horizons and see what happens. Maybe someone with a few extra pounds (like you, from what you describe) will be your perfect mate. Someone that makes you happy!!


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

I am sorry if I am misleading. I want what anyone would want which is an emotional and physical connection. I am most certainly NOT looking for a trophy. 

At this time, I am REALLY fighting with struggles of my recent loss of my SO. What makes it harder is we have 2 kids, one is 3yo. I had some warning signs very early on and missed out on a LOT of opportunities to be happy. She told me she never wanted to be married or have kids. That is when we met.... Her mom has been married 4x, dad was 2-3x and lived the last 15yrs single and died single. 

What probably hurts the most is seeing her skip in joy right out the door. 
Even our MC thinks she lacks the tools to build a good relationship. Maybe why I felt like I fought so hard and got nowhere. She wanted me to do stuff for her, take her out and such but it is REALLY hard when I know she will not kiss me, hug me, touch me, tell me she loves me, etc. In short, there was no incentive to do any of it. I tried several times and she said it felt awkward. 

Why I mention this is I am REALLY trying to figure out how to NOT make the same mistakes??? For me, if I say "I DO", it means through fire I will walk. My former SO did not share that. She just later wanted to be "married". 

I also have no clue how to determine if we are sexually compatible until I have a few dates or whatever and start having sex. It would be a whole lot easier with a questionaire. How do you let someone down with "we are not sexually compatible"?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I sure as hell hope you have learned how to use condoms by now...


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

That was actually the VERY first Fup in our relationship.... She was on the pill. She says no problem. Then I learn she is the ONLY woman on the planet that did not listen when the doctor said "if you take antibiotics, it will flush everything and you can get pregger". I was very irritated with that early in life.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

meh, I now know TWO women who've gotten pregnant while on the pill and another who was told she'd never have kids, who got pregnant.

That's why it behooves men to just get it over with and use the damn condom.

Plus you save the woman from having to clean up your mess.


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## FizzBomb (Dec 31, 2013)

I think that that is a really nice look you've got going in the second photo. I like the darker jeans and they fit you nice around the thighs. I like the colour and fit of your shirt. Nice boots.

If you are still missing your SO (how long since the breakup?), I wouldn't be looking at bringing another romantic interest into your life right now as you could end up hurting them really bad. What say your SO hears you're dating and suddenly wants you back? Are you sure you are emotionally ready to date?


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

I think the picture looks good with the dark blue shirt tucked in. I don't think you look fat either. I'd rather someone a bit too hefty as opposed to too skinny, but that's just my taste.

Also, don't change your style to something which is not comfortable for you. Be what you are. 

Someone else mentioned doing activities which you enjoy in order to meet potential partners. You said that you were athletic I believe? There must be lots of opportunities to meet like-minded women through sports.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Thanks ladies. Fizz, I am hearing you and something I may have to face soon. I honestly do NOT think I am emotionally ready to move on but I have learned the past that dating for me is the best way to move past another. I can actually let go of my past with a future presence. 

That being said, if I felt like my X and I could work it out, I would probably go that way today. I would say the longer I date though, the further my X will be from my mind. Something I should probably consider first hand. 

Regarding my look, thanks for the support. I realize I may not be for everyone and that is fine. I don't intend to make too many changes, just refinements. I appreciate the thoughts on the pressed shirt and fitting. 

Also, being in the mfg business, I am designing a new belt buckle that is ALL me both as a business venture and conversation piece. I DON'T like the huge cowboy buckles, but I do want something unique with unique flash. My X said for men only but I am not so sure. I bet some women will love my variations of it. 

Anyway, I washed those jeans and crap! Those things are TIGHT! Mostly in the ass and upper thigh. They loosen and wear right after an hour. Just to new to be all me yet.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

bobsmith said:


> She wanted me to do stuff for her, take her out and such but it is REALLY hard when I know she will not kiss me, hug me, touch me, tell me she loves me, etc. In short, there was no incentive to do any of it. I tried several times and she said it felt awkward.
> 
> Why I mention this is I am REALLY trying to figure out how to NOT make the same mistakes??? For me, if I say "I DO", it means through fire I will walk. My former SO did not share that. She just later wanted to be "married".
> 
> I also have no clue how to determine if we are sexually compatible until I have a few dates or whatever and start having sex. It would be a whole lot easier with a questionaire. How do you let someone down with "we are not sexually compatible"?


Well, a little flirtation will tell you what a person is into. If there is some sexually charged banter and flirting that is a good sign. You'll know by then if she's affectionate (does she touch your arm when making a point, etc.) Then you may have to actually ask some hard questions. Once you have kissed/made out with a woman and you feel the next step is likely sex, go to a quiet restaurant and sit in a booth. 

You can start by asking/talking about awkward bad dates for a laugh. I would then ask her if everything was right in a relationship, after the honeymoon period, how often does she enjoy sex? Lay it out there. Every other day? Once a week? If you feel it's right, explain you are asking because your marriage lacked both affection and intimacy and it's important to you to feel close emotionally to your partner. don't tell her YOUR preference until she answers for best accuracy. Even then it could be a guess as to what you want to hear. Although you don't want to visualize her with another guy, you could ask the craziest place she had sex. Gauge her spirit of adventure. Some find the back seat an adventure. Others think that's tame. 

I asked a guy if he had any kinks or fetishes I should know about and I made it very light-hearted (I hoped, anyway!) by asking if he was into cross dressing or anything I should know about.  Kept it light but gave him a chance to tell me if he was turned on by pantyhose or vinyl or whips.

And if you find, even after having sex, that you aren't sexually compatible, you just have to say it somehow. And it's difficult but can be done. I would say something like "I have truly enjoyed getting to know you - you are a great lady (you can list some honest things about her). And the more I have gotten to know you, I have also learned some things about myself and I don't think we are compatible long term. I will think of you fondly and hope you find the right person for you.

If she asks for specifics, tell her. If she really likes you she may try to tell you she will change. Tell her she is perfect the way she is, she just isn't perfect for you and thank her for giving you the chance to get to know her, wish her luck and hang up.

Break ups before sex can be done via text or email, etc. but I find it easiest right after the last date when they say "I'd love to see you again" - that's my cue to say "I'm sorry but I just don't feel the same way. I enjoyed dinner/company/etc. but I just don't feel that spark. Good luck"

Break ups after sex should be done over the phone or in person. 

LTR/exclusive relationship break-ups should be done in person. 

Remember, it's not exclusive until you have actually talked about not dating other people any more. Often it's an unspoken agreement (haha - often one assumes) but it needs to be spoken IMO.

I know these scenarios are weeks/months and even years away but just giving you my .02 as a long term dating expert.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

bobsmith said:


> Anyway, I washed those jeans and crap! Those things are TIGHT! Mostly in the ass and upper thigh. They loosen and wear right after an hour. Just to new to be all me yet.


Maybe I'm an anomaly but I don't think that's a bad thing. For men or women, jeans are all about the ass IMO. A good fitted (not skin tight) pair of jeans is better than one that gives a guy the appearance of a saggy bottom or "diaper bum".

As for meeting someone, I agree that the best places are doing things you genuinely like to do or are interested in. Don't do an activity with the sole intent of meeting someone, do something you're sincere about doing because you'll meet someone with the same passions as your own.

When it comes to online, be HONEST. Don't say things you think women want to hear. Give them an idea about the things you are actually into. Tell short stories about the things that you enjoy doing so that the person reading can visualize you doing them together. Create a picture of your day to day life and the things you actually enjoy doing for fun in life and for work, (not just did one time and probably won't do again). 

For example, "I like to drink beer" is not as enticing or informative as, "Sitting on patios in the summer sharing good drinks and conversation with friends is a way I like to to pass the time." 

In the latter sentence, you create an emotional experience for the reader. The person reading can picture you sitting on a patio, outdoors with a group of friends enjoying a drink. In doing so, they can better gauge if that activity is something that appeals to them or not. That way, the person reading can figure out better if they'd actually fit in to your life or you in theirs before messaging you. You may get less responses by doing that but they will be better quality ones and less random than what you're getting now.

Similarly, you can also weed out the type of women you're not interested in by being positive and descriptive about activities that require the kind of characteristics you're looking for in a mate. As an example, you want someone who is in excellent shape? Then talk about the kinds of physical activity that you regularly that require someone to be fit in order to do them. When doing so, and be descriptive about it like in the example I gave above.

"As a nature enthusiast, I like to set off on the trails with my pack and go hiking on Mount ___ whenever I get the chance." Or

"Running every weekend is something I like to do to for fun and exercise. It energizes me and helps me stay in shape. I'd love to find a running partner to keep me company and keep each other motivated with friendly competition." Vs. INTERESTS: Running, this thing, that thing, the other. Or crudely, "No fat chicks." 

Someone who is a couch potato will be turned off or intimidated by the guy that goes running, river rafting, biking etc. every weekend and hesitant to contact you. Whereas someone that loves that activity, will be more interested (and likely in decent shape). The benefit of this is that you can still be more selective about her physique but without sounding like a superficial @sshat to all women.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

Based on reading all the posts, I'd say the first new "apparel" to put is a more positive attitude. You don't come off as someone who loves life, but as someone beaten down by it. I'm not a woman so take it with a grain of salt, but you seem a little curmudgeonly. No offense, just my 2 cents trying to help.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

bravenewworld said:


> Hey those jeans are cool! I actually totally approve. I say keep the shirt tucked.
> 
> One suggestion regarding sleeves - maybe roll them up to 3/4 arm length rather than so far up your arm. They should fall at a mid-point between your elbow and wrist.
> 
> Also you need a cool (not necessarily expensive) watch to accessorize. You could find a really interesting/unique one maybe at your local flea market. Also a dark colored pocket square in your shirt could be a nice touch.


I'm late to the fashion show! Opinion on wardrobe is this... the jeans work. I think shirts tucked in with jeans are best when there's a fitted blazer worn with. Otherwise I'd suggest opting for the shirt to be worn out and be of a more fitted/tailored cut. Completely agree with bravenewworld about rolling of the sleeves. 

Aside from offering this feedback to you, based on your opening post, I'd suggest working on your confidence - which is what you said you need. For what it's worth, nothing wrong with your build from my perspective, but it's about what you want and need for yourself. You mentioned your weight and you're working on this and fitness is important to you.. continue on the paths that make you feel good, perhaps challenge yourself to try some new things to help lift your confidence and begin to limit the external validation you're seeking. I think many of us gravitate towards those who feel at ease. Starts with the mentals first though. Your mindset, then the actions to follow. This can be a great opportunity for you to discover aspects of yourself that you didn't realize were there. This could be quite the journey if you allow it to be. It's exciting!


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Like NFL free agents, you're worth what the market says you are.

If you're not attracting the women you are attracted to, and are only attracting slightly overweight women, you're contract demands are too high. If you keep your contract demands too high no team will sign you.

Yes everything relates back to sports.


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## struggle (May 13, 2013)

Man…I’m late to the fashion show too!! The second outfit was better. I also agree with the rolled up ¾ sleeves and adding a watch. Please don’t make it a $20 Walmart watch. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a Rolex or a Movado, something practical is ok but you cared enough to spend some money on. I love watches on a man personally, it’s not a main factor but I pay attention to those things. 

I see nothing wrong with a relaxed style…just dress it up when appropriate. Look clean, cut and put together and that goes a long way. I’m sure there are plenty of women who don’t really care too much about the frill’s of men’s fashion. If you want to update your wardrobe a little bit, I would recommend doing some research on current men’s fashion and just see what appeals to you.

IMO, if a man were to tell me he’s starting or supporting a business (not successful yet), I would hesitate. Now at 30, I’ve supported TWO men who were trying to figure out what the heck to do with their lives, including trying to start a business. I’m tired of it, and I’m looking for someone to help support me really. Don’t get me wrong I’m completely self-sufficient, but I’m not looking for another financial project. I’m looking for someone stable and able to help me enjoy some luxuries in life, together. As much as you don’t want someone to want you for your “money” once your business is successful, that’s counting your chickens before they hatch. You’re not successful yet. No guarantee of that. To me, it’s all unicorns and mist and a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow….. I would have to really like the guy, which is entirely possible, but I’m much more careful now with my age and experiences.

I understand you wanting a woman who is in shape, and that’s a woman who has already achieved her goal of fitness. You have not achieved your own standard of fitness yet. So again…I feel like you’re getting a little ahead of yourself. You might want to expand a bit and consider meeting some overweight women who are actively working on their fitness. Otherwise, all you can do is be patient.


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## lookinforhelpandhope (Apr 10, 2013)

Hi Bob,

I haven't read the entire thread so apologies if this repeats or goes a little off track but here's my opinion (in particular regarding expectations vs reality of online dating).

If I were to pull up an old online dating profile I tried a few years back and write down my 'expectations' regarding the type of person I was looking for I garantee it would not match any of the people I have enjoyed dating. I honestly think it's impossible to describe your ideal mate because there's an undefined element to attraction that is significant in choosing a partner.

If you'd like to dip into the world of dating I'd suggest trying something along the lines of speed dating, where there's at least face to face contact.

Also just try getting out and about, be social, and as you meet more and more people you may find that diamond in the rough.

Sounds like you have a lot going for you. It may be that the special lady just has to physically see you, rather than weighting an online profile against some set of criteria.

Good luck and I hope if nothing else you can get out there and have some fun


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Just remembered, start watching Millionaire Matchmaker. She has the most amazing advice for men wanting to meet women.


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