# Separated but ambivalent about divorcing wife



## Perdido (Aug 5, 2013)

I have been separated from my wife of 19 years for almost a year now. Until recently, I thought we were headed to divorce. But last week, we had a conversation about divorce and our lives and she appeared to be evolving from the hard, unloving, hypercritical, manipulative, and lying woman I knew. It intrigues me and makes me wonder if she is really changing or just trying to look good to me to prevent divorcing.

This was a second marriage for both of us. We were good for the first 6 years or so. Then, she became a monster. We bought our first house together and she became the head of her school after being a elementary school teacher for many years. She tormented her kids and mine (with criticism, anger, manipulation, and hateful actions), treated me with contempt, never forgot any imagined offense she thought I had committed, stopped wanting to make love to me for long stretches, was responsible for losing most of her friends, would not allow me and the kids to invite friends over to our house because it was not pretty enough, but would not allow us or contractors to remodel, and much more. Both her two and my two kids moved out as quickly as they could (some at 17 years old) because they could not bear to live in the same house with her. Over the 15 years since, some of them have moved back several times temporarily for financial reasons and to give her more chances, but had to move out abruptly and with sadness because she had done too many things to demean them and make them feel unloved.
We finally separated last year because she had again done something to the kids and me that were deceptive, mean, and manipulative. That incident made me realized that I had stopped liking her or respecting her many years ago but had deluded myself to stay with her.
After our separation, she started to do things to change. First going to the gym because she insisted that I had separated from her because I wanted a sexier and younger woman. I told her that was never my motivation. That I just wanted a sweeter woman with a more beautiful soul. I know that sounds too critical, but she had to know.
Later she started psychological therapy. She claims she is less judgmental now and more positive now. But her own daughter got pregnant this year and did not tell her because she was afraid of how her mother's comments and behavior might affect her pregnancy. When we talked I did notice that she talked lighter now and smiled more, but I cannot yet believe that she is truly changed or will end up being very different from what she has been. My lack of respect for her and not liking her took many years to grow. I find it hard to believe she has really changed or can change enough.
Has anyone else gone through something like this? What did you do to prove to yourself that the person is or could change?
Thank you


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

Do what you want.
If you want to reconcile, take your time.
Test the waters and do not rush into anything!
Have activities that involve the kids and see how they interact with her.

See if she has truly changed.
That will take some time.

If you don't want to try again, let her know so she won't waste time and energy thinking its possible.

It is up to you and about what you want now
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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