# Sex hurts my wife



## Its all about her (Jun 7, 2010)

I’m new to this site and I’m trying to deal with a few problems I haven’t talked to anyone about. My wife and I have been married for almost 30 years. Our daughter is 35 (her daughter) and we are empty nesters.

Because of health issues sex hurts my wife during penetration and many times causes bladder infections. This has been getting worse over the years. She has special lubrication prescribed by her doctor and I have to take it real slow. When I penetrate her she winches in pain and instructs me to go slower. I usually ejaculate in seconds and I feel I’m doing a medical procedure rather than having sex. She really enjoys the penetration but is usually in pain the whole time. She also has another prescription to take after sex to prevent the bladder infection. This has greatly reduced our sexual activity to having sex once every few months. She doesn’t seem to mind going without but I have these urges. I’ve suggested just doing mutual oral or masturbating each other but she always desires the penetration.

Do you think it’s wrong of me to ask her to satisfy me? I feel guilty asking for a bj without giving something in return? But when I do there are consequences and I don’t get much joy out of it. When she does give me a hj it’s usually with a dutiful look on her face and I end up feeling guilty with the thought that I’d rather do it myself.


----------



## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

Its all about her said:


> When I penetrate her she winches in pain and instructs me to go slower. I usually ejaculate in seconds and I feel I’m doing a medical procedure rather than having sex.


Are you saying the slow sex makes you ejaculate faster? Why is that I wonder?

No, I don't think it is wrong of you, and I think she should want to. I do understand if she doesn't like doing BJs but still think she should want to do that for you since she can't do anything else, or since anything else is so seldom. What I really don't get is this medical problem of hers. Has she seen more than one doctor for second and third opinions? Do they all tell her nothing can be done? There's no cure and no treatment either?


----------



## Eraz2010 (Apr 1, 2010)

With what Susan2010 says...something like this deserves more than one doctors opinion.

Assuming it cannot be taken care of though... umm, cough, cough... you could try anal penetration? I know there are many with religious etc blocks to this but with care and practice it can be extremely satisfying for both parties and ofcourse involves penetration. A vibrator on the clitoris first couple of times at least is a serious recommendation, and you cannot over-lube ever.


----------



## Its all about her (Jun 7, 2010)

My wife had a hysterectomy some 20+ years ago and she is very dry. Compound that with long term steroid use for nerve problems caused her skin to thin. So when I enter her it feels like I'm tearing her open. I'm not small. She's been to many doctors but I believe she discusses these problems with her gyn. She also uses a prescribed cream she inserts nightly.

By not having sex for a long period then after much foreplay preparing her. Then having to very slowly enter her I'm way overdue and don't last long.

I've never had anal with my wife. We don't talk much about sex. Is it pleasing for a women to recieve anal sex? Is it messy and I assume I would need a condom?


----------



## Eraz2010 (Apr 1, 2010)

Hey, I'm no "expert" but I believe for some women it is pleasing, yes. The key seems to be lubrication and going softly at first. Vibrator on the clit is also crucial.

It's not messy like you might think, and a condom is probably a good idea, too.

Sorry to hear about the medical problems...but where there is a will, there is a way!


----------



## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

Its all about her said:


> Is it pleasing for a women to recieve anal sex?


If she is willing to try it, then do try it. But don't be surprised if she is entirely unwilling to ever do it again. The first time is extremely painful, excruciating pain. I tried this twice, and the second time wasn't quite as painful, but it WAS still painful and there was nothing to like about it. I hear some women do like it and actually have anal orgasms. Most women do not like anal sex because it's so painful. So I know you need an avenue, but don't become resentful if she doesn't let you do this again or even if she doesn't get far in the first attempt. 

I suggested you try it if she is willing but honestly, anal sex causes other physical problems, as if she doesn't have enough of those right now.

The only thing I can think to suggest is she try some natural hormone replacements.


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Susan2010 said:


> What I really don't get is this medical problem of hers. Has she seen more than one doctor for second and third opinions? Do they all tell her nothing can be done? There's no cure and no treatment either?


:iagree:

For instance, diet can play a huge role in infections of the urethra. Foods that alkalise the body tend to reduce them. Sugar in general is an absolute no-no. In fact, sugar is simply not a good idea for most people. Sugar feeds bacteria. They love it.


----------



## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

Thanks so much, MT, but I wasn't asking about her infections or how she gets them. Believe me, I fought with urinary tract infections for 30 years. I was asking about her medical condition that causes the problem he described.


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Susan2010 said:


> Believe me, I fought with urinary tract infections for 30 years.


OOOuch. Sorry to hear that. Did you hit upon a miracle cure in the end?


----------



## Its all about her (Jun 7, 2010)

Susan2010, Thanks for the honest reply. I assumed most/many women don't like anal sex but I keep reading about women that do. I guess I'll need to talk it over with my wife. Any advice on how to broach that subject.

She has also been on hormone replacement since the hysterectomy. I think after so many years it begins to loose it's effectiveness.


----------



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Have the doctors ruled out interstitial cystitis? That's what it sounds like. If that is the case there is a drug which works really well for the condition. Interstitial cystitis can cause a lot of pain/discomfort and mimic bladder infections.


----------



## Its all about her (Jun 7, 2010)

Yes, she has interstitial cystitis, chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia, to list the major one's. I didn't realize IC could mimic a bladder infection. Thanks. I wonder if the bladder infection sensation due to IC is aggravated by sex.


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Its all about her said:


> Yes, she has interstitial cystitis, chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia, to list the major one's. I didn't realize IC could mimic a bladder infection. Thanks. I wonder if the bladder infection sensation due to IC is aggravated by sex.


Has she tried doing kegels against resistance?

You can buy a special exerciser for the purpose.


----------



## Its all about her (Jun 7, 2010)

I don't see where a kegel would benefit my wife. Kegel's are to exercise the muscle. Her problem is related to dryness and thin skin. She has said if we had sex more it might hurt less by stretching the openning. But then it's a catch 22 because it's so painfull. I don't think I could give her a dildo to work on it herself. We don't do toys. At this time I'm kind of waiting for her to tell me when she wants sex.


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Its all about her said:


> I don't see where a kegel would benefit my wife. Kegel's are to exercise the muscle. Her problem is related to dryness and thin skin. She has said if we had sex more it might hurt less by stretching the openning. But then it's a catch 22 because it's so painfull. I don't think I could give her a dildo to work on it herself. We don't do toys. At this time I'm kind of waiting for her to tell me when she wants sex.


Believe it or not, it may help IC by improving circulation, and also by releasing muscle knots which can press on nerves. Nobody really knows what IC is. It's just a name given to a bunch of symptoms that are *believed *to be untreatable.

Getting her to clench on a thin dildo would be ideal. Or she can use... YOU.

Ordinary kegels, while good, are not a match for kegels with an object inserted. It's a whole different ball game.


----------



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Its all about her said:


> Yes, she has interstitial cystitis, chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia, to list the major one's. I didn't realize IC could mimic a bladder infection. Thanks. I wonder if the bladder infection sensation due to IC is aggravated by sex.


IC definitely feels like a bladder infection. Sex definitely makes that sensation worse. Is she taking Elmiron for it?


----------



## tam911 (Jun 17, 2010)

I'm a new poster and I usually experience pain with sex as well. Over the years I have found myself dreading sex with my husband. So many times I have gone through it clenching my teeth in pain while my husband didn't know. Doing this over and over for many years has killed my sex drive entirely. This along with feelings of being "used". I have finally told him why I avoid sex. He has tried to be patient but I think he is tired of missing out on sex that he thinks he should be getting and should be given freely. I love this man and would give anything if I could change the way I feel and tear down the massive wall that has gone up between us regarding sex. In the other ares of our life together, we are super happy...but my problems in the bedroom seem to be killing us slowly. He deserves better I know. He is also very physically fit and attractive so it wouldn't be hard for him to find a willing partner...even a younger woman. We have a happy home and two wonderful kids and I do not want to throw it all away. I could sure use some advice on what I can do to get over what seems to be an unfixable situation.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

I would not bring up anal sex with your wife if vaginal sex is already too painful for her due to thin tissue from steroids. Anal tissue would most likely be even MORE sensitive as their are far more nerve endings in that area. That is why anal sex is painful in the first place and would most likely be excrutiating for your wife.

Not to T/J but Tam911....
What makes sex so painful for you? Was this the case prior to having children?


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Another thing, you mentioned her hysterectomy 20 years ago. Was it a TAH? 
It is possible that she could have had significant scar tissue build up if it was and the pain she experiences now during sex could be due to "vaginal shortening" which is caused by excessive excision of tissue during a total abdominal hysterectomy (TAH) and the scar tissue that builds up over time. In essence the vagina shortens (atrophy) and therefore penetration will be very painful. Combine that with thin tissues from other health problems and she will feel like a battering ram is inside her. It will also give her the sensation of a bladder infection afterwards because her "insides" have lowered. You could very well be hitting on a trigger for the bladder now. This will enflame the sensation and cause her to feel the constant need to urinate. It could also be vaginismus that causes the muscles to involuntarily contract to the smallest proportions and become a barrier if you will, hurt like crazy and the shortened vagina due to hysterectomy will feel like a bladder infection.

There is one medical procedure that might be able to help her. It is called a Z-plasty. It is a procedure that removes excess scaring and "opens" up those scars and muscles. It is normally done for other parts of the body to remove scar tissue buildup on arms, legs and back. 10 years ago it was performed on a woman's vagina. The procedure behind it is to cut a Z formation on the scars and and then do a "purse string closure" which basically means that instead of a large horizonal scar or vertical scar along the entire vagina there is now a series of small scars, scars that are able to fully heal on their own and not build up scar tissue. Basically, the sutures are sewn around the now removed scar and the sutures are designed to "draw up", which means they close like a kaledescope (I know I spelled that wrong!) and become as slight as a pin prick. 
This is NOT "vaginal rejuvenation" as is all the rage right now. This is about repairing her body after what appears to be a very life changing surgery for both of you. What Z-plasty does is to repair the scaring and elongate the vagina. It might help your wife.


----------



## Its all about her (Jun 7, 2010)

Yes she had a total hysterectomy. I guess it was a TAH. And yes she has scar tissue. She has the problem thorughout her abdomon. She suffered from a twisted bowel that required emergency surgery and we believe that was the result of the scar tissue. Thanks for the additional advise on anal sex. I wondered about that.

Tam911 - You sound like my wife. I really don't want to hurt her by having sex so I abstain most times but I do really miss it. Would you be happy without intercourse? Would you be pleasured with some other type of sex or giving without recieving? I also don't want to pressure my wife to do something she doesn't want to do.

827aug - I believe she is on Elmiron. She's been treated for IC and she is on many prescription drugs.


----------



## Eraz2010 (Apr 1, 2010)

Given the further info... anal sex may be too much, but do NOT rule out a dildo or vibrator. Even if you "don't do toys" surely this is a means to an end...??? Prize A would be to have normal painless vaginal sex, and if using a toy, even on her own, takes you two closer that goal... well that'd be what I would do I think.


----------



## Cbrooks (Jun 12, 2012)

Just joined today. Looking for some advice. I have read all of the posts in this thread. Now for some information.

Me and my wife have been together for 10 yrs now. She had a hysterectomy in 2005, ovaries were left in place. We had an amazing sex life prior to the surgery, by amazing I mean once a day if not more usually initiated by her. After the surgery her sex drive went downhill. Which we both expected (she has an RN degree) and discussed this prior to the surgery. I don't think either of us expected it to has such a profound effect. 

To give you some background on the two of us as individuals and our personality.
I am a Marine (I got out in 97) 37 yrs old and in great shape due to the fact that I have always done physical work. Not that I am not intelligent, I just enjoy physical work. I enjoy the fact that physically I am in great shape without having to spend time in a gym. I am also a very sexual and intimate person. I am by no means Brad Pitt attractive, however I have never had issues with women finding me attractive. My wife has commented regularly about catching other women looking while we are shopping or out and about.

My wife is an extremely intelligent woman. She is 36 and easily passes for early 20's. She is a small woman 5' tall and has an amazing hourglass figure. I know she is beautiful simply because I see the attention she gets from other men even without make-up or being dressed up. She is a knowledge sponge. She is forever researching things that interest her on the internet, watching documentaries, things of this nature. She has the most amazing temperament and outlook on how to handle our disagreements or my mistakes that upset her, that any man could ever ask for in a wife. She does not yell or scream. If I do something that upsets her, she waits until she has calmed down and asks me to come into our bedroom (we have 2 boys) and in a calm manner states "When you did "this" it upset me, and this is why". I could never get upset with her when she approaches me in this way. We talk about it in a reasonable manner and move on after we resolve the issue. Again, no yelling, no screaming. 

Now to my concerns. I have come to terms with the decrease in our sexual relationship. I understand it causes her pain. I understand the decrease in her hormone levels. (we tried hormone replacement and she stopped it do to it making her, in her own words, "An emotional hurricane", we had our first actual yelling dispute of our relationship over how our living room was setup). I have come to terms with these things. I have no sexual desires to be with another woman so this is not an issue for us. I do however miss the intimacy of our relationship. The loving touch of her hand as she passes by, simply because I am close enough for her to touch. The spontaneous hug in the kitchen just because we happen to be in the same room at the time. Curling up on the couch to watch TV together so that we can be as close to each other as possible. These are the things I miss the most.

She has talked to me about her missing the in depth conversations we used to have for hours about random subjects, even if we were debating different sides of an opinion. She misses the intellectual interaction between us. She misses the intimacy as well but has finally told me that the desire is just not there. Not that she doesn't think I am handsome, or attractive, but that the physical urge (not really sure how to put it in to words) is just not there anymore. She has told me she misses our sexual relationship and misses how intense her desire was before the surgery. She has told me that since the surgery that desire has become less and less and in turn that desire to just want to touch me as I pass has diminished as well. 
She has told me she feels alone as a person due to our diminished intellectual connection. I think this is directly connected to our slow loss of an intimate connection.

I am not upset with these things. I am just concerned about them. I am concerned that at some point if we don't find a way to renew our connection on an intimate level (not a sexual one) that we will continue to lose our intellectual connection as well. As you can see by me researching this on the internet to see if I can find anyone else who is or has experienced this, that I am willing to do whatever it takes to renew our marriage. Just so that isn't taken the wrong way. We still don't have arguments. We are not on the verge of a divorce or anything of that nature. I am just looking for possible ways to re-connect with my wife. For ways to renew the intimacy and in turn renew our intellectual connection.

I apologize for the small book I have posted. I guess in some way I just needed to put some of it in writing to help myself progress through it was well as search for assistance. Thank you in advance for any input, advice, or knowledge from experience.


----------



## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Cbrooks, make a post. You have put your story on a comment on a two year old post. Most people here will not read it.


----------



## Cbrooks (Jun 12, 2012)

Didn't even notice that. Thank you.


----------



## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

"Do you think it’s wrong of me to ask her to satisfy me? I feel guilty asking for a bj without giving something in return?"

yeah, it is. try to give something back to her. manual or oral stimulation on your part makes her feel like she's in the game, not just throwing batting practice.


----------

