# If given a choice between anger and emotional detachment, which would you choose?



## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

My vote is for emotional detachment. What say you folks?


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Both. One after the other.


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

Q tip said:


> Both. One after the other.


But what if you could only choose one? Which would you lean towards?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Q tip said:


> Both. One after the other.


Beat me to it. If one, then anger. Suppression is dangerous.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vms (Dec 17, 2014)

It was anger for me. I didn't detach emotionally for years, even while he was continuing to cheat. But man was I angry.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It depends on the situation.

Detachment can save you from ulcers and high blood pressure.

Anger, if used correctly, can energize and help seek out solutions.


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

There is nothing in this world that comes close to the inner peace you can experience through emotional detachment when you don't give a rat's @$$ about any of life's little dramas and which you don't have any control over.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Honestly, I experience anger and then it is gone. If I deny it I suffer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> Honestly, I experience anger and then it is gone. If I deny it I suffer.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


*Mr Furious, eh?*


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

I'm not sure you can choose to feel something over the other. You're going to be angry at something or someone, you can't control that. But you can put on a mask and not reveal it. A couple of days later you forget why you're angry at something and you're like fvck it, I don't care.

But when you're betrayed I'm a big fan of cutting things off completely in order to move on. Out of sight, out of mind.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

chaos said:


> *Mr Furious, eh?*


Gadzooks!!!! You've discovered my identity !&#55357;&#56833;
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

If I get a choice, anger. But if that anger is rage then emotional detachment. My anger I could work through, the rage consumed me to where I forget things. Like a blind rage where you remember nothing. Several times I went into this rage and the next thing I knew my knuckles were bloody from punching walls. I don't remember punching any walls.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Retribution (Apr 30, 2012)

I'd choose emotional detachment. It leaves me free. Gives me the room I need to be happy again. 

Anger leaves me exhausted, motivated to hurt others (I still want a chance to legally kill the POSOM, and know I'd jump at the chance if I could...four YEARS later), I'm in a constant state of unhappiness, makes it hard for me to focus on the things that really matter, etc. etc. etc.

For me though I've found that this is largely just wishful thinking. I've yet to find a way to so completely control my emotions that my memories are no longer triggered, thus triggering the rage that so eagerly thrusts its way into my being.

If only my marriage could have had such an inseparable bond as my memories and rage. Damn, there I go with that wishful thinking again.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

drifting on said:


> If I get a choice, anger. But if that anger is rage then emotional detachment. My anger I could work through, the rage consumed me to where I forget things. Like a blind rage where you remember nothing. Several times I went into this rage and the next thing I knew my knuckles were bloody from punching walls. I don't remember punching any walls.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Are you positive you have made the best/healthiest choice in choosing to R? Sounds like hell my man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

Anger is too addicting for many people, and hard to kick the habit. But if that is not you, then enjoy your rage while you have it.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> Are you positive you have made the best/healthiest choice in choosing to R? Sounds like hell my man.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


ConanHub

R or D are both living in hell. Because of kids I would still have contact with WW. R is not easy and the last few weeks have been hell as d-day was January 20, 2014. I have had all of this affair crap coming back to mind as I near the one year mark. Just need this month of January to pass by quickly.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Honestly, I vote anger. But that wouldn't come for me without emotional attachment as well.

Why anger? Because its then when you can stand up and decide you aren't going to take any shyte any longer.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Anger shows non-remorseful waywards that the betrayed still cares.
Emotional detachment shows the non-remoresful wayward that the betrayed is done with all the bullcrap.

That's my $0.02


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

the guy said:


> Anger shows non-remorseful waywards that the betrayed still cares.


Not necessarily. Depends on the person. I was angry and wanted her out of my face. I filed for divorce.

But then again, my anger didn't come without the emotional detachment either.

I think you may have a point for those that are angry, but still very hurt and unsure what to do, or that are so in love up to their eyeballs with their cheating spouse.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

chaos said:


> My vote is for emotional detachment. What say you folks?


Anger. You have to be significant to someone for them to be angry with you. The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.
Love and anger are both passionate responses. Hitler didn't murder Jews because he was angry with them but because he quit seeing them as human. If someone is pissed at me they acknowledge my presence and my significance in their life. I can work with that. When they quit seeing you at all, quit caring what you think, want, need, believe, you are essentially dead in their eyes. I can make amends or argue and bring an angry person around. I can't raise from the dead.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I don't think you can go straight to emotional detachment. You have to experience a whole range of emotions, (anger, sadness, helplessness, stress, etc.), before you can emotionally detach.

ETA: Thinking about it some more, if someone went right to emotional detachment without showing any emotions first, I would think that person is emotionally retarded or mentally ill.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If your partner believes they have found a better deal, they can go from "love" to "complete indifference" in a nanosecond.


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## badkarma2013 (Nov 9, 2013)

vellocet said:


> Honestly, I vote anger. But that wouldn't come for me without emotional attachment as well.
> 
> Why anger? Because its then when you can stand up and decide you aren't going to take any shyte any longer.



Absolutely ....Anger gave me immense purpose and drive..After D-DAY ask i have said i went Bat-Sh%t crazy....filed for D ...sued their company and got both Fired..outed him to his wife...and showed Her family the Horrible proof i had of her Affair..(I did it at Their request)...

Anger gave me Purpose...but in it I found no peace..none


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I have to agree with those voting Anger. It's worked for me. The detachment came on its own but anger was needed to pick myself up and move on


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

Found this interesting comment in another forum. What do you folks think? Does anger come from power or lack of power?



> _"I've said it for a while. Anger stems from Fear, Fear stems from Powerlessness. Anger is a tool to reclaim power.
> 
> Not true 100% of the time, but perhaps most of the time.
> 
> ...


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## lostmyreligion (Oct 18, 2013)

Surprise and then mirth.

I know neither`s an option, but I like the thought of throwing her completely off her game and keeping her there.

Anger and detachment I would keep close and use only to achieve whatever *my* end goal shook out to be.


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

lostmyreligion said:


> Surprise and then mirth.
> 
> I know neither`s an option, but I like the thought of throwing her completely off her game and keeping her there.
> 
> Anger and detachment I would keep close and use only to achieve whatever *my* end goal shook out to be.


Anger can have a sadistic side you know.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

If I emotionally detach the anger subsides. Path becomes clearer. So I would chose detachment.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

vellocet said:


> Not necessarily. Depends on the person. I was angry and wanted her out of my face. I filed for divorce.
> 
> But then again, my anger didn't come without the emotional detachment either.
> 
> I think you may have a point for those that are angry, but still very hurt and unsure what to do, or that are so in love up to their eyeballs with their cheating spouse.


:iagree:

You use that anger constructively to bolster your determination. The detachment comes later.

The word anger has too many negative connotations associated with it (yelling, physical acts, etc), yet when its internalized and constructively used, then it provides the BS with the needed gumption to stand up for themselves. Especially those who have been doormats and done nothing except cater to their WS's every whim. Those people need to get angry so they can do something about their situation.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

chaos said:


> But what if you could only choose one? Which would you lean towards?


I choose both. No need to chose less than what I am.

Anger is a reaction, detachment is the action.

I always work the problem, not the emotion. Emotion will tie you up, action won't.


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

I would choose emotional detachment, but in reality it would be anger. I feel too much to be dead on the inside.


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

Q tip said:


> I choose both. No need to chose less than what I am.
> 
> Anger is a reaction, detachment is the action.
> 
> I always work the problem, not the emotion. Emotion will tie you up, action won't.


It's one or the other. No cake eaters please.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

chaos said:


> It's one or the other. No cake eaters please.


I see it as a process. Shock (and related emotion) then action.

It's my life, that's how I see it. I don't care for cake, I prefer key lime pie anyway.

Who's up for coffee?


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

Q tip said:


> I see it as a process. Shock (and related emotion) then action.
> 
> It's my life, that's how I see it. I don't care for cake, I prefer key lime pie anyway.
> 
> Who's up for coffee?


I'm to detached to give a hoot


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## Lone Shadow (Aug 5, 2014)

I'll pass on the cake and pie, but take you up on the coffee. 

I was angry, and a whole host of other emotions and states of mind that I can't even begin to recognize. Now I'm about 98% detached, and it's great. Not being angry, or remorse, etc, allows me to be a better father to my children.

That said, there are days where BM will do something that I just can't fathom, and it stresses me out, so I'm only claiming 98% detachment. For the most part, I await her inevitable emails with a sort of morbid fascination. I'm curious about what pearl of wisdom she's going to come up with, but "curious" isn't quite strong enough a word.


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## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

Funny this.
During the time when my FWH was in the midst of his affair (whichI knew nothing about, trusting him so deeply,) he was detatched, withholding sex and treating me horribly, I attempted detachment as a way of not feeling my pain of rejection and abandonment. Bad move. It enabled me to to deny the.red flags that were all over the place and allowed his affair to continue for YEARS. I expressed my anger back then with disrespect and corrosive conflict which in his eyes justified his decision to cheat even more. I still find it hard to forgive myself for that blunder and humiliation and loss of self respect.
Now almost 4 years from dday and in R, I struggle with taming the anger for his treatment of me during those years. I wonder if I had allowed the anger and recognized it for what it was back when suspicions first arose could I have pre -empted alot of wasted years and deeper pain?
So what did I learn? To trust my gut and funnel anger into the right response: examining WHY I am angry and expressing it to him, calmly stating my conditions and expectations, setting boundaries and zero tolerance for R. It seems to be working as we are both finding the ability to reattach to each other as time heals the wounds.

But at times I still feel the anger and temptation to detach, but know that recognizing both emotions and working thru them TOGETHER is the hard work of any marriage, even those without the stain of infidelity.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

chaos said:


> My vote is for emotional detachment. What say you folks?


Emotional detachment is great, if it is real. It is the reason that no-one on here is furious about the colour of my sofa, it just does not matter to people.

However, that takes time. People's relationships matter to them more than anyone else's. Initial emotional acceptance is nothing of the sort, it tends to be rationalisation or repression. Anger is a result of things being different to how you want them, and expressing that is healthy. 

Allowing yourself to be angry rather than thinking you should not be and repressing it is vanity. 

However, deciding your anger is a really big deal is when it gets dangerous. If you feel angry, fine, it is something you feel. If you decide that it is a big deal and stew on it, you are on the road to bitterness and misery.

Disclaimer: I do not really know what I am writing about.


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

Emotional detachment is not denial of reality. It accepts reality but is sober in its assessment on whether or not it can be changed or even if it should be changed. Unlike anger, it is not ruled or driven by the Ego. And it makes the process of recovery and moving on, a lot more easier.

But to each his/her own.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Anger usually isn't a choice, it's just there, and of course the end goal is (or _should be_) detachment.

If I were able to choose, though? I'd take detachment every time.


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> Anger usually isn't a choice, it's just there.


Very true, but now knowing what the experience of being betrayed is like, would we allow a very powerful outside force, to take the anger and replace it with emotional detachment or would we politely decline and chose nature to run its course, good or bad?


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Really, if we had the ability to choose our emotions this, and all other, Infidelity forums wouldn't exist. Given the forum this thread is posted under you really can;t have one without the other. Choice is unable to be factored in, only the action thereafter.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

I fail to see the purpose or productive result of anger. Anger is an emotional response to something disagreeable to the recipient which provides no real positive result. Well thought out actions provide positive results.

Some have said that anger is their motivation to act but for me it is a waste of energy. I cannot correct anything with anger but I can make it worse. I find anger to be of little use. If the situation is hopeless and devoid of all positive outcome then the most logical answer is to detach and move on.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

chaos said:


> Very true, but now knowing what the experience of being betrayed is like, would we allow a very powerful outside force, to take the anger and replace it with emotional detachment or would we politely decline and chose nature to run its course, good or bad?


Again, if I could _choose_, I'd take detachment.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

OP no one has that choice your mind will choose it for you as the circumstances change

You can't control anger any more than you can control detachment.

You barely can use logic.

Great Question though.

55


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

NoChoice said:


> I fail to see the purpose or productive result of anger. Anger is an emotional response to something disagreeable to the recipient which provides no real positive result. Well thought out actions provide positive results.
> 
> Some have said that anger is their motivation to act but for me it is a waste of energy. I cannot correct anything with anger but I can make it worse. I find anger to be of little use. If the situation is hopeless and devoid of all positive outcome then the most logical answer is to detach and move on.




The worth of anger is debatable, I suppose, but I believe it is possible that something positive can come of it. Some assumptions have to be stipulated, but since its for discussion:

A POSOM pursues and woos a married woman. He achieves his goal. Married woman realizes he's a jerk-off and casts him loose. Jealous husband finds out, and feels ANGER. He ardently challenges POSOM.

Husband's anger and POSOM's resultant behavior subsequently demonstrates to many on lookers that POSOM is not only a cad, but a coward who will not face his foe, and further lies and whines like a salted slug. This is spread thru the female grapevine, and he is subjected to (at least) some of his due humiliation.

Has anger been productive in this parable?


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

Forest said:


> The worth of anger is debatable, I suppose, but I believe it is possible that something positive can come of it. Some assumptions have to be stipulated, but since its for discussion:
> 
> A POSOM pursues and woos a married woman. He achieves his goal. Married woman realizes he's a jerk-off and casts him loose. Jealous husband finds out, and feels ANGER. He ardently challenges POSOM.
> 
> ...


Perhaps, then we have the story of the *wife of former sheriff deputy testifies her husband tried to force her to 'castrate her boyfriend after two hours torturing the pair'* that shows how far anger can drive a person to.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I certainly didn't want all the anger when I was going through my divorce but at the time I didn't know detachment existed. I discovered it when my divorce was final and it was a great gift. It allowed me to stop hating my ex-husband and become friends with him. Now when I run into him at family functions I again see that handsome boy I married almost fifty years ago and not the hated man I divorced. Detachment brought peace into my life. I wish I had found it long before I did.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

[CENTER[/CENTER]

To me emotional detachment would be less painless.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Forest said:


> The worth of anger is debatable, I suppose, but I believe it is possible that something positive can come of it. Some assumptions have to be stipulated, but since its for discussion:
> 
> A POSOM pursues and woos a married woman. He achieves his goal. Married woman realizes he's a jerk-off and casts him loose. Jealous husband finds out, and feels ANGER. He ardently challenges POSOM.
> 
> ...


Forrest,
I would posit that the discussion can now entertain the definition of "productive". I have no desire to humiliate anyone. In this, and actually every other scenario, I see the fault of the A resting on the WS. There are slugs in abundant numbers and it is up to the spouse to decline and squash their advances. 

Why would you want to point out that a slug is behaving like a slug? What characteristics would you expect a slug to emulate? The WS knew the character of the slug when he hit on a married woman demonstrating his integrity and honor. What more could I do to the slug than what the slug is doing to himself?

Additionally, to point out the total lack of character to someone with no character is like giving a book to a blind person, very little positive can come from it. And exposing him to onlookers I feel would be of little use since there will always be weak minded women on whom he can prey and as I said earlier, his slugness is revealed to every married woman with his first pass at them. What more proof do they need? My opinions my friend.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

NoChoice said:


> Forrest,
> I would posit that the discussion can now entertain the definition of "productive". I have no desire to humiliate anyone. In this, and actually every other scenario, I see the fault of the A resting on the WS. There are slugs in abundant numbers and it is up to the spouse to decline and squash their advances.
> 
> Why would you want to point out that a slug is behaving like a slug? What characteristics would you expect a slug to emulate? The WS knew the character of the slug when he hit on a married woman demonstrating his integrity and honor. What more could I do to the slug than what the slug is doing to himself?
> ...


I have to disagree with you on the "slugness" and "blind man" issues. Some married women definitely do not immediately recognize the OM to be of poor character (sadly) when he is making passes at them. We see that all the time here. They are swept off their feet, "in the fog". Common as grass.

Recognize it or not, many people cheat privately, are never exposed, and maintain a fine public reputation. They suffer no consequences other than these theoretical, internal things offered in this discussion.

So, my opinion is that anger, like all human reactions, has a rightful purpose. Infidelity or anger, which is worse? On top of that, appropriately channeled anger has long been a preventative to infidelity. It is only recently that that this anger has become non-PC. Anger is out, PC wimpdom is in.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

There's a third choice. Replacement. Hold a mock funeral for the relationship that was on life support anyway before finally kicking the bucket and explore some new territory.


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

ThePheonix said:


> There's a third choice. Replacement. Hold a mock funeral for the relationship that was on life support anyway before finally kicking the bucket and explore some new territory.


To get to this point you would first have to developed a functional amount of emotional detachment.


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