# Secret Affairs Do Not Last When Revealed????



## Lasr60637 (Nov 14, 2008)

The **** is about to hit the proverbial fan today. Long story short, my H has had a long term EA (I think its also a PA) with a coworker. D-Day was July 2008. I told him if he wanted to stay married, he was to have absolutely NC with her and he agreed. I confronted OW in October 2008, told her to stop talking to my H, she agreed. They are still talking. H bought a secret cell phone that he uses to talk to her. I looked at the phone (found it in his pants pocket), he has called her 1/3 and 1/4 and there were times in December that he called her.

Well, everything I have read on SI say that a secret affair that is no longer secret loses its power - so to that end, I told all my coworkers that my H is having an affair with her. We all work at the same place and she is friends with the same people I'm friends with and I told them all!!!!!!

One woman in particular who now knows is so disgusted by what is going on that she plans to talk to the OW today and get in her ass about what she is doing.

The OW will in turn tell my H that everybody knows. I wonder what will happen next?

This might mess up my June 1 plans (save money, then file for divorce by then). I'm going to assume that he will be so angry at me this evening on the ride home that he will say he is leaving now. I'm okay with it if its goes down like that.

What do you think will happen today? Will he bring it up to me? Will this make him leave?

I never brought up that I know he has the secret phone. That was my little secret to myself that enabled me to periodically check to see if he was still in contact with her. If he lies (he thinks he's good at it) and says he hasn't been talking to her, should I then let him know that I know he has the phone and thats how I know he's still in contact? Or should I keep it to myself just in case he doesnt leave and keep to my June 1 plans of ending the marriage after I've saved up enough money?

For some reason, I'm not sad, upset, or crying. I'm not feeling any kind of emotion right now. The fact that he has chosen to keep his relationship with her tells me that everything I said to him about how I feel doesnt matter.

Again, what do you think will happen?


----------



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I think it will depend on where his mindset is at the moment. If he has said he wants to stay in the marriage and end things with her, he may be having trouble letting go of the friendship, especially if things are not improving with the two of you. Or, he may be doing the same thing as you--holding out for a better time to leave. Has he made any effort in rebuilding your marriage? If so, I would say this is a major setback...if he is doing the same old thing without putting any work into the two of you, that's another story.

My guess is that it will be hard not to tell him what you found, only because he will question why you are bringing this all back up and involving others at this point.


----------



## justean (May 28, 2008)

unfortunately i think scenarios like this end up causing more pain.
its not about guess work.
but the games your playing in work wil cause you more issues and problems in the future.
i dont envy your situation, its not an easy one.
your not having your normal feelings of not crying or feeling upset etc, are because your brain has taken all it can take.
your emotion switch in your brain has been switched of.
i think its your way of protecting yourself and looking after the rest of your body.


----------



## Lasr60637 (Nov 14, 2008)

swedish said:


> I think it will depend on where his mindset is at the moment. If he has said he wants to stay in the marriage and end things with her, he may be having trouble letting go of the friendship, especially if things are not improving with the two of you.


Things have improved a lot since D-Day. We have been getting along beautifully. He's returning affection more than before, sex isn't great but we do it. We talk a lot, hold hands, hug a little more. On D-Day, he stated that he did not want a divorce, that he likes his life and wants to keep it the way it is. He says I'm making too much of this. That his relationship with her was nothing. That she was not the type of woman he'd want to spend his life with and that if we broke up, he had no intention of moving in with. But he keeps calling her so he feels something.


----------



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

What is your goal at this point? By the title of your thread, I took it to mean you hoped to end the contact by telling others, but you also talk of leaving in June. If you still have hope for keeping your marriage in tact, the best approach would be to keep the dialog open and honest (I realize you can only control that from your end if he continues to lie) If you can get to a point where you both feel comfortable enough to talk openly and honestly about how you're feeling, you may recreate the bond between you that seems to be missing right now.


----------



## Lasr60637 (Nov 14, 2008)

swedish said:


> What is your goal at this point? By the title of your thread, I took it to mean you hoped to end the contact by telling others, but you also talk of leaving in June. If you still have hope for keeping your marriage in tact, the best approach would be to keep the dialog open and honest (I realize you can only control that from your end if he continues to lie) If you can get to a point where you both feel comfortable enough to talk openly and honestly about how you're feeling, you may recreate the bond between you that seems to be missing right now.


My plan for June 1 was to get my "ducks in a row" financially, giving him time to wean himself from her. By June, if he is still talking to her, that means he does not plan to stop and it will be almost 1 year since D-Day. Divorce would have to happen. 

I am always ready to talk. Even if the conversation will hurt my feelings, we need to get it all out. My H is the quiet type, does not like confrontation and keeps to himself. Its hard to get a really good and honest response from him on matters that I feel is important. He continuously says that this relationship is only one of friendship and I should trust him that he knows what he is doing. 

The reason I'm so determined to end this marriage if he can't maintain NC with OW is because the lady and I have known each other for 20 years, she's defintely not a stranger to me, speaks to me all the time and has been doing something with my H for several years now. D-Day happened because I saw the detailed billing of his cell phone and in the month of June, they made at least 60 calls to each other (her home, cell and work phones, all times of day and nite). That does not sound like someone who is JUST friends. Thats the kind of contact you have when you are "courting". Even when we were on vacation in Vegas for a week in June, he called her a few times a day the whole time we were there. That's sounds like more than JUST a friend.

I think he's with me because its more convenient, she's single, has her own home and not the type that would want him to move in. She just wants a man to "play with". And I think he knows that so he "plays" with her and comes home to me. That just can't happen anymore.

I love my husband but if he won't get out of the "fog" and off the "fence" with her, there can be no thought of reconciliation. I think "outing" them to our co-workers and threatening divorce will force him to make a decision one way or another. I am prepared for either choice he makes.


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Based on the calls it is definitely and EA but from experience it is likely he simply sees it as a friendship. The only way he may realize it is more emotionally is if he truly does end all contact with her. You are correct in your use of the word fog. That’s exactly what he is in and to come out of it may take time or it may take a shock as you have just delivered. I hope it works, it certainly is a bold stroke. Good luck.


----------



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Lasr60637 said:


> I love my husband but if he won't get out of the "fog" and off the "fence" with her, there can be no thought of reconciliation. I think "outing" them to our co-workers and threatening divorce will force him to make a decision one way or another. I am prepared for either choice he makes.


Thanks for clarifying...makes sense to put the ball in his court. Good luck tonight. I really hope he comes around and finally puts an end to the EA.


----------



## Regga (Jan 22, 2013)

Lasr60637 said:


> My plan for June 1 was to get my "ducks in a row" financially, *giving him time to wean himself from her*. By June, if he is still talking to her, that means he does not plan to stop and it will be almost 1 year since D-Day. Divorce would have to happen...I love my husband but if he won't get out of the "fog" and off the "fence" with her, there can be no thought of reconciliation.


Hun, the fog does not wean away! It's meant to be blasted like water to a flame! Your H hasn't got out of the fog because you haven't killed the flame.


----------



## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Had to dig WAY back in the archives for this one...

.


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

old timer said:


> Had to dig WAY back in the archives for this one...
> 
> .


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

EA or PA it matters little. Why? Because he and she are treating you with disrespect.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Amplexor said:


>



Admittedly, I did laugh out loud. Scared the cats, too.


----------

