# Wholesome question for the longtime married people



## Chaotic

What are your best tips for sustaining and developing a happy and healthy relationship? I'm divorced but 4 years into a great relationship. Obviously I'd like to keep it that way, but recently I realized I don't have many longtime happy couples in my life to look to and emulate. Hit me with your best advice!


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## Diceplayer

Married nearly 49 years. Best advice I can offer is for men; smile and nod.


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## happyhusband0005

Chaotic said:


> What are your best tips for sustaining and developing a happy and healthy relationship? I'm divorced but 4 years into a great relationship. Obviously I'd like to keep it that way, but recently I realized I don't have many longtime happy couples in my life to look to and emulate. Hit me with your best advice!


Teamwork. Fix problems together before worrying about discussing causes and blame for the problem, that can be discussed more clearly and rationally once a solution has been found. Our happiness is more important than my happiness.


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## BigDaddyNY

I've been asked this a lot, not just here on TAM. It is a little difficult to answer. We've been married 32 years BTW. It honestly has felt very easy, at the same time I look back and can see things in hindsight that scare the hell out of me. I wonder how this or that didn't blow up, but it didn't.

Here are some of my suggestions and what has worked for us.

110% loyalty to each other. There is no I in team. This was a big thing for us. All we had was each other when we first got married and we needed each other to survive. We knew a betrayal of selfishness would end the marriage and probably destroy our life as we knew it.

Never go to bed mad, never kick the other out of bed because you are mad. We explicitly said to each other early on that every single night we get in bed together, kiss and say I love you, no matter how mad we were prior. It also helps to not do anything so egregious that you spouse want to kick you out of bed.

Keep intimacy and romance maxed out. This doesn't mean always having sex, although it can often lead to it. I mean incorporate intimacy in all your interactions. This may be a little TMI, but here are some specifics for us. Unless my wife had her period we sleep naked, always. We shower together pretty much every day. When we are alone together we regularly kiss and touch each other, even if we are just passing by each other in the house. A little squeeze and a kiss can go a long way. In public we tame it down, but it is always very obvious that we are a couple. We eat dinner together every night if at all possible. We go on dates, go out dancing, etc. We truly love being with each other.

Know your spouse's love language and use it. This is one I learned about much latter in our marriage. We kind of lucked out. We both have the same top two love languages, so it came pretty natural for us before we even really knew what love languages are.

I am so incredibly proud of what my wife does and vice versa. Respect and show interest in what your spouse does. I did when she volunteered and worked before we had kids, I did when she was a SAHM and I do now in her current career. It is genuine pride and it allows me to have genuine interest when she is telling me about her day.

This is kind of dove tails with intimacy and romance. You do need to keep some time for yourself and your hobbies/activities. As much as we love being with each other we do allow for some time to do our own thing. It is very small compared to what we do together, but a little me time can help you value your together time even more.


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## D0nnivain

I take things like fidelity, honesty, trust & loyalty as givens. If there are lacking, you are doomed. 

Otherwise the secret is laugher. Have fun together. Do what you gotta do -- go to work, clean the house, pay the bills -- but be each other's BFF


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## Mr.Married

I met my wife at 13.
Always have 100% honesty and loyalty. Understand that husband and wife will be a longer and more important part of life than falling into the mommy/daddy trap. You will still be together when the kids are gone.
Learn each other’s love language… take the test it really is fun.
Play would you ever/maybe/never sex question games.
GO ON DATE NIGHT!!!
Sleep naked
Get an AdoreMe subscription
Buy a water softener for your home and always shower together
Get heated tiles for the shower
Finding solutions together is more important than being right
Praise your companion

Money: Lay it out all with complete transparency. Money and the lack of feeling secure or finding out about secret debt will destroy everything.

And last but not least: Honey you gotta F his brains out like you mean it. If you do he ain’t going nowhere ♥


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## Married but Happy

Learn what makes them content, happy, and loved, and create the conditions that helps them experience that as often as possible, especially _with _you. Also try to minimize the things that irritate them!


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## Mybabysgotit

Chaotic said:


> What are your best tips for sustaining and developing a happy and healthy relationship? I'm divorced but 4 years into a great relationship. Obviously I'd like to keep it that way, but recently I realized I don't have many longtime happy couples in my life to look to and emulate. Hit me with your best advice!


Married 18 years here. My only advice: Never NEVER let your spouse disrespect you in any way, and don't be disrespectful to your spouse. Once disrespect starts creeping in the relationship, it's almost impossible to get it out, and disrespect is the precursor to a host of many, if not all the problems you see in marriages. Nip it in the bud at the very start and you'll have a long healthy marriage.


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## DallasCowboyFan

Put each other first


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## SunCMars

Find someone _mostly _compatible, generally.

And, _totally_ compatible on those things and conditions, that are near and dear to you.

Being a fair and easy-going partner goes a long way.




_Lilith-_


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## Mr. Nail

.


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## theloveofmylife

So many good responses! It's great to see so many in such good relationships.



Mybabysgotit said:


> My only advice: Never NEVER let your spouse disrespect you in any way, and don't be disrespectful to your spouse.


This is a really good one too. I'd add, we made a pact at the start to never call each other names or say other ugly stuff you can't take back. Been married nearly 30 years. 

I get that it all falls under the umbrella of respect, but I wanted to add this specifically. I see so many people say horrible things to their mates or call each other the most awful names. Don't do that to someone you love. They can't unhear that stuff.

And, I'll throw in my mother's favorite: Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?


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## suburbanmom

Agree with everything that’s been said. Especially two things BigDaddyNY said: one, we have always been a team. That means seeing each other as our team member, rather than as a competitor. It also means that WE are the team, and everybody else is not the team. No matter how much we love them, our parents, siblings, friends, and even (as they reach young adulthood) our children—they are all a little outside. We both agree about this and have from the very beginning and it’s huge for us.

Second thing is that it’s always been really important for us to make sure to keep up our own friendships/interests etc.We’ve always been a little obsessed with each other but it’s also really important for us to get out and do stuff separately, too!

Sometimes, though, I also think we both got lucky. Neither of us are selfish or super critical or uptight, and we’re both each other’s favorite person.


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## Rus47

Wife and I are a team, us against the world. Never let sun go down angry at one another. We have never had opposite sex single 'friends'. Romance in daily life, not just in the bedroom. We have no reluctance kissing one another, holding hands in public. I sometimes tease her that strangers may think we are just dating. 

We enjoy being with one another. If you see one of us, the other is very close by. We DO have hobbies the other chooses not to participate in, wife says couple of mine are like watching paint dry. We also have hobbies like fitness and baking that we do together.

Married nearing 6 decades, met in HS.


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## thunderchad

Always keep the sex alive. When sex stops, so does the marriage.


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## sokillme

Value your partner and let them know that often but also value yourself. And listen.


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## Lotsofheart73

Married 20+ Years here.. last few pretty rough.
I agree with being a team, not name calling or just hurtful words that can never be unheard, don’t let intimacy dwindle, and keeping with date night … even if it is a “at home” date night after kids go to bed or after work etc if no kids. Yes, getting out of house might be better but sometimes kids or $ or injuries/illness may make that tough during times in the marriage. 
Oh, also do not let resentment creep it’s way in. Once that gets a foothold it is very difficult to get it out.


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## Chaotic

Wow, lots of great answers here. Thanks you guys! I will be reading and rereading this thread for awhile.


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## heartsbeating

There's so many good responses here!


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## Anastasia6

Chaotic said:


> What are your best tips for sustaining and developing a happy and healthy relationship? I'm divorced but 4 years into a great relationship. Obviously I'd like to keep it that way, but recently I realized I don't have many longtime happy couples in my life to look to and emulate. Hit me with your best advice!


Been married 28 years and have the best relationship. We do two things consistently. We accept the other person for who they are. If there is some issue we address it in a non-confrontational way and that means listening in a non-confrontational way.

Second make each decision in your life based on if it will help your marriage. It sounds silly but if you put your marriage first then your marriage will be easy. Do I skip doing dishes? Well which is going to make for a better relationship? Do I take this job that works crazy hours? Which is better for us? 

We haven't always taken the best paying job, sometimes not the most exciting. We don't spend time alone with opposite sex people and other simple boundaries. I trust my husband and he trusts me but which is better for my marriage... Spending time alone with a man not him for whatever innocent reason or not spending time with a man not him. Same for him.. It's just basic. 

Do I sometimes skip the dishes anyway, sure. I am far from perfect. But if you keep the question in your mind then it is so much easier to make decisions that reinforce the marriage. Also repeated decisions become habit. 

It's always us against the world.


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## jonty30

Wink at small stuff and always connect with them.


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## Mybabysgotit

theloveofmylife said:


> So many good responses! It's great to see so many in such good relationships.
> 
> 
> 
> This is a really good one too. I'd add, we made a pact at the start to never call each other names or say other ugly stuff you can't take back. Been married nearly 30 years.
> 
> I get that it all falls under the umbrella of respect, but I wanted to add this specifically. I see so many people say horrible things to their mates or call each other the most awful names. Don't do that to someone you love. They can't unhear that stuff.
> 
> And, I'll throw in my mother's favorite: Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?


Name calling is a deal breaker for us. It's too much of a slippery slope from there. To this day, we have never called anyone something bad (well she called me a a hole a couple times...but I am that so can't really get mad at her for that one)


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## Clint62

Chaotic said:


> What are your best tips for sustaining and developing a happy and healthy relationship? I'm divorced but 4 years into a great relationship. Obviously I'd like to keep it that way, but recently I realized I don't have many longtime happy couples in my life to look to and emulate. Hit me with your best advice!


Beats me.


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## aaarghdub

1) Your attachment style and how your parents modeled marriage and child rearing is crucial as both drive habits and triggers (avoidant emotionally or too strict).

2) Do not under ANY circumstances think that you have a pass to ignore or hide your mental health issues or past trauma. May people hide this kind of stuff before the get a ring on their finger. It’s OK when you’re single but not when married. You two are one now and nothing happens in a vacuum. CSA, porn addiction, rape, etc those issues 100% will impact your relationship especially if they are sex-related. ADHD is a huge anchor on relationships but isn’t given much attention. 

3) Love your kids but don’t have a lifelong emotional affair with them. Spouses (though not in all cases) were there first and will be there after the kids move out. Don’t be the one who spoils and caters to your kids while blowing off your partner.

4) Never forget there is someone willing to take your place in your relationship so don’t get lazy. Be a good steward of your spouse. You are one heartbeat away from being single again.

5) Realize, as unfair as it is, you get to deal with the consequences from the actions of every sh*tty significant other your spouse ever had. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## ConanHub

Spankins. Lotsa spankins...😋


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## Young at Heart

A few random thoughts from someone who has been married over 50 years. 

Make your spouse feel loved and cherished.

don't take yourself too seriously

find time to have fun with your spouse, find things you both like to do and then do them

laugh at yourself and your situation, when appropriate.

don't avoid hard conversations when there are problems

understand that you will change and your spouse will change over time and that coping with that will cause each of you to change as well

Strive to improve yourself and become a better you as you age.

be committed to your marriage and to making it work.

celebrate you individual and joint successes in life


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## uwe.blab

Mr. Nail said:


> I was happy for a long time. Now I'm no longer qualified to answer your question.
> If I had on thing left to advise it would be -
> Don't make excuses, make it happen.


Why do you think things changed for you?


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## Mr. Nail

.


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## uwe.blab

Mr. Nail said:


> Because, I accepted excuses. I should have walked at the very first, "I don't know".


Infidelity?


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## Mr. Nail

.


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## Gyro

Been married 38 years, together 40, When we got engaged, I asked my grandparents 'what their advice was'. They had married after my Grandfather returned from four years on the Western Front, raise 4 kids through the Great Depression and WWII. Not an easy life in other words.

They said 'communication' and then much time expanding on the details. Basically this is all the time and on all levels, from small acts of service to each other to touches, kind words, not taking any BS from each other, and focussing on reality. Husbands and wives complement each other, they don't compete. Men must understand that women react emotionally, nor pragmatically, and women that men reach pragmatically not emotionally. There's a LOT more in that communication piece.
Neither puts the other on a pedestal.
The husband works externally to support the family/ kids/ wife, and does his best to make her life as good as possible.
The wife works internally to support the family/ kids/ husband, and does her best to make his life as good as possible.


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## Rob_1

Married 27, together 29, I got it easy. My wife's a sweet natured woman, but with a lot of self respect; which wouldn't have allowed her to be mistreated more than once. After the first one she would be gone.

I'm also a very no nonsense man with a lot of self respect. Certain things like respect, fidelity, one team partnership, direct communication, are to me and my wife black & white; no shades of gray in between. 

A big part of the success (besides the natural attraction) of our marriage has been communication, communication, communication. I can't emphasize sufficiently enough that communication is key to the success of a couple's relationship. Communication to be successful must be straight, with no hidden agendas, and/or room for misunderstanding what's being said.
A lot of people talk, but do not convey what they really want and mean; which leads to your typical misunderstandings that causes a cascade of troubles. That's how things starts, one misunderstanding, and before you know it, it has become a big issue. 

There has to be boundaries both ways in the relationship; which must be stated clearly with not room for misunderstanding. This is a MUST: you MUST mean what your boundaries are, if a boundary is broken and you let it pass, then that was not a boundary, and your partner will immediately know that. That's a recipe for disaster in a relationship. 

We all have our "love language ", rarely a union is of two people that have the same love language manifestation; therefore, it's imperative that we get to know and understand our partner's. You could be using "your" love language till the end of times, and it will mean nothing to your partner if he/she doesn't know it. We must not only apply towards our partner our love language, but their love language as well. 

Another biggie is the ability to be able to open up to your partner. If for whatever reasons you can't be open to your partner, then, I'm sorry to say, but that eventually becomes a point of contention when your partner realizes that he/she cannot be the portal for you to bear your soul. It tells that she/him is not enough. That you are afraid of being vulnerable to them. Your partner will be offended and resentful of that fact; which can, and often plays a part in people's relationship's troubles. 

All that, plus it helps if both of you are "in love", rather than love each other. I say it because a lot of people marry for all the wrong reasons, which eventually leads to the demise of the relationship. My first marriage was one of such. It shouldn't had happened. Now she's like a sister to me, and an aunt to my kids. I like it that way.


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## Girl_power

Listen to her. I don’t mean do what she says, I mean listen to her talk. Listen to her vent. Care about her day. Know what’s going on in her life and be invested. 

Women need to feel supported and understood. 

There is no greater sign of love than giving someone your undivided attention.


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## Divinely Favored

Chaotic said:


> What are your best tips for sustaining and developing a happy and healthy relationship? I'm divorced but 4 years into a great relationship. Obviously I'd like to keep it that way, but recently I realized I don't have many longtime happy couples in my life to look to and emulate. Hit me with your best advice!


Communicate..Communicate...Communicate....even if it is about hard things. Speak truthfully. Do not go along to get along. Do not keep mouth shut about hurtful things and build resentment. Always have PDAs and protect the marriage relationship.

My wife and I always hold hands and kiss constantly. Embarass the kids with it!


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## BigDaddyNY

Divinely Favored said:


> Communicate..Communicate...Communicate....even if it is about hard things. Speak truthfully. Do not go along to get along. Do not keep mouth shut about hurtful things and build resentment. Always have PDAs and protect the marriage relationship.
> 
> My wife and I always hold hands and kiss constantly. Embarass the kids with it!


Embarrassing the kids was a great hobby for us, lol. Funny thing is I see them doing the same things now in their relationships. Which quite honestly makes me very proud and happy.


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## ConanHub

Girl_power said:


> Listen to her. I don’t mean do what she says, I mean listen to her talk. Listen to her vent. Care about her day. Know what’s going on in her life and be invested.
> 
> Women need to feel supported and understood.
> 
> There is no greater sign of love than giving someone your undivided attention.


This is one sided and I happen to agree but do you know about what the other half needs?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Girl_power said:


> Listen to her. I don’t mean do what she says, I mean listen to her talk. Listen to her vent. Care about her day. Know what’s going on in her life and be invested.
> 
> Women need to feel supported and understood.
> 
> There is no greater sign of love than giving someone your undivided attention.


Be understand or just feel understood? 

You know that was going to come up from someone 🙄🤣🤣🤣.

Just joking. Or am I? Of course I am. Mostly. Well, a little, anyway.


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## Girl_power

ConanHub said:


> This is one sided and I happen to agree but do you know about what the other half needs?


The problem is… we can only control what we do. We can’t control what the other person does. So I didn’t give advice to someone who isn’t seeking it. He is, so I gave it to him.


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## ConanHub

Girl_power said:


> The problem is… we can only control what we do. We can’t control what the other person does. So I didn’t give advice to someone who isn’t seeking it. He is, so I gave it to him.


I thought you were responding to the OP. I still agree with your post. It was just geared towards the woman's side of the isle.🙂


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## Girl_power

ConanHub said:


> I thought you were responding to the OP. I still agree with your post. It was just geared towards the woman's side of the isle.


Oops I thought the OP was a man


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## ConanHub

Girl_power said:


> Oops I thought the OP was a man


😋


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## Chaotic

I am not a man but I appreciate the advice nonetheless 😉


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## 346745

Chaotic said:


> What are your best tips for sustaining and developing a happy and healthy relationship? I'm divorced but 4 years into a great relationship. Obviously I'd like to keep it that way, but recently I realized I don't have many longtime happy couples in my life to look to and emulate. Hit me with your best advice!


wash cold, lay flat to dry


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## Divinely Favored

Chaotic said:


> I am not a man but I appreciate the advice nonetheless 😉


Couple of other things. Read "Proper care and feeding of Husbands." And "Proper care and feeding of marriage" 

Dr. Ann Schlessinger have a scarry insight to men's behavior and thinking patterns. This is one woman who I feel has really figured men out. Men are typically very simple to make happy.

Another thing I heard that my wife prescribes to is "Keep his belly full and his balls empty". If a man has good food and good, frequent love'n he is happy and not looking else where.


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## heartsbeating

Make him a sandwich he didn't ask for.


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## heartsbeating

I shared with someone else here that my man was doing lots of physical yard work and I thought, 'Imagine if he had the kind of woman who could whip up a delicious cooked lunch for him...' Yeah, that ain't me! He overlooked that red flag at the start. He does majority of the cooking, and enjoys cooking. Anyway, I can indeed make grilled cheese sandwiches.  Listen, love him or hate him, Bill Burr (and his wife) got it right. Days later, Batman is STILL talking about how delicious that sandwich was.


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## ccpowerslave

heartsbeating said:


> Days later, Batman is STILL talking about how delicious that sandwich was.


It probably was awesome but it makes it that much more awesome when you saw a need and thought of him and then did something nice.

The last time my wife did this it was a small thing but hugely impactful for me. Unfortunately she doesn’t do it very often. I do it fairly often for her and as such I think she is kind of used to it and it doesn’t have as much impact.


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## heartsbeating

ccpowerslave said:


> It probably was awesome but it makes it that much more awesome when you saw a need and thought of him and then did something nice.
> 
> The last time my wife did this it was a small thing but hugely impactful for me. Unfortunately she doesn’t do it very often. I do it fairly often for her and as such I think she is kind of used to it and it doesn’t have as much impact.


Thing is, if I'm thinking of him in terms of an action that I can do, it may be appreciated but not necessarily be referred to days later like that grilled cheese sandwich.  As in 'The way you organized my desk and had a water and tea at the ready before I started that morning meeting' is not something I hear about days later haha or even mentioned that way. Instead in the moment it's more him calling out, 'Thanks babe!' before jumping onto his call. I think perhaps the communication of bread and cheese is strong.

As for the impact that you mentioned, and being used to it, I'm still mulling that thought. Perhaps there's a fine line between comfort and familiarity and being in a good place, as opposed to being taken for granted. I'm not sure. And then does that also tap into the flip-side of why we are doing something for our spouse; the intention behind it? I'm pondering... Anyway, I guess to add more wholesomely to this thread is about considering one another. No doubt that consideration can take many forms beyond 'doing' for one another.


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## ccpowerslave

heartsbeating said:


> And then does that also tap into the flip-side of why we are doing something for our spouse; the intention behind it? I'm pondering...


In my case because it makes me feel good if I think there is a chance she might have a grilled cheese reaction.

A few weeks ago my wife was working a ton of hours and I basically set up as much stuff outside of her work as possible so she didn’t need to think about it. She worked like that for a while. Maybe a couple weeks in she said, “You know I really appreciate all of the stuff you did for me.” I was happy because she noticed and it made her life better.


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## TexasMom1216

oh yikes sorry


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## heartsbeating

snipped the interaction.

I'm confused as to how your post fits in the context of the topic. Maybe there's suggestion from your experiences that can apply?


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## TexasMom1216

heartsbeating said:


> I'm confused as to how your post fits in the context of the topic. Maybe there's suggestion from your experiences that can apply?


Sorry. I should not have posted that and I apologize. Sorry sorry sorry everyone. Whatever shots you take I deserve for the over share. Take your best shot, I will take it.


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## heartsbeating

TexasMom1216 said:


> Sorry. I should not have posted that and I apologize. Sorry sorry sorry everyone.


Given that you edited out the post I responded to, I have also removed it so that it doesn't show inside my quote. For what it's worth, that may well be something to be discussed on TAM if and when you feel inclined. Anyway, I'm following your lead here for now and snipped it out as I'm figuring you no longer want that post here.

I just read your addition of taking shots for the over share. If that is directed my way, suffice to say you don't know me that well as that would not be my style at all. Let's move on.


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## TexasMom1216

heartsbeating said:


> Given that you edited out the post I responded to, I have also removed it so that it doesn't show inside my quote. For what it's worth, that may well be something to be discussed on TAM if and when you feel inclined. Anyway, I'm following your lead here for now and snipped it out as I'm figuring you no longer want that post here.


Thanks. It was kind of you. Sorry.


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## TexasMom1216

heartsbeating said:


> I just read your addition of taking shots for the over share. If that is directed my way, suffice to say you don't me that well as that would not be my style at all. Let's move on.


It wasn’t directed at you. I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings, I didn’t want that. I know around here people will take shots but I didn’t mean you.


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## heartsbeating

TexasMom1216 said:


> It wasn’t directed at you. I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings, I didn’t want that. I know around here people will take shots but I didn’t mean you.


No hurt feelings here at all. However, lets exit this thread for now. I won’t respond back in here unless it relates to the topic. 😊


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## Sfort

Married 44 years. The secret? Have a spouse who can put up with a LOT of crap.


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## Rooster59

It will be 42 years this month. Best advice I can offer is something we didn't realize at the time we married but learned along the way that we practiced unwittingly due to our upbringing. We accept the marriage roles for ourselves outlined in the Bible and work hard to maintain them. You don't have to be religious at all to use the Bible as a life manual. There is some pretty good stuff in there.

To help renew our vision and perspective we read and reread two books. The Power of a Praying Wife and The Power of a Praying Husband. Even if you don't believe in God, prayer, etc the messages in those two books is very helpful.

Even so, it takes two people who want to be the best spouse they can be to follow the lessons offered.

One last thing. We see sex in marriage more a side effect of a good marriage. If you have a great marriage in all other ways you won't be able to keep your clothes on when you are alone together. 

Sent from my moto g stylus 5G using Tapatalk


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## Quad73

Rooster59 said:


> One last thing. We see sex in marriage more a side effect of a good marriage. If you have a great marriage in all other ways you won't be able to keep your clothes on when you are alone together.


For us it's been the other way around. Actively working on our sex life has brought us closer together in other unforseen ways. The kindness factor has shot up too.


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## Longtime Hubby

Once I realized all I say, think or do is wrong, been smooth sailing. Oh, and never disagree or ask questions.


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## BootsAndJeans

My humorous list....which my wife rolls her eyes at....

1. Happy wife, happy life!

2. You're right dear

3. It's easier to ask forgiveness, than permission

4. When the ife says "I've been thinking", just go ahead and put on my work clothes.....something is going to be dug, built or moved.


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## think positive

I agree with the same sex hangouts. I had a bunch of girls at my old job that would hang out. One of them i worked closely with. Thinngs were tough at home and knowing there was someone else who really wanted to be with me was a distraction. Nothing happened but, a little too much wine, a little more stress at home.. never say you wouldnt let it happen. I am glad i never was that tempted.

We are trying to be more of a team. As my kids age i see thet will be gone soon and it will be us, alone.


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