# My wife seems incapable of being emotionally close to people



## anonymousguy (Aug 13, 2012)

So married now for almost 6 years. At first, we were moving in the right direction. But then we sort of hit a wall. I was constantly looking for a deeper connection and my wife would take actions that would prevent it.

Very hard to explain, but I have noticed over time that she cannot get any closer to me...or for that matter, any other person. As examples, she does not proactively touch me in any manner, like a hand on a shoulder, and now that I am conscious of it, I've noticed she does not touch other people as well. And this also applies to emotional connection, not just physical.

She never uses my name.

When having sex, she was totally unreactive. She would not even put her hands on my back. They would lay there on the bed at her side.

Whenever there is an activity that she wants to do and I don't, she does not take my concerns into her approach to it. I would agree to do whatever activity that is with her, and would do it for a reasonable period fo time to support her. But after a few hours of doing whatever it was, beyond any reasonable period that people would do that activity for, I would start to get frustrated, and she could not see it. I would try to communicate that as nicely as I could, and she would always fail to take the opportunity to compromise and acknowledge my concerns. She would just keep going along her path until it would develop into a fight.

She would travel for fun with her girlfirends (I work and she doesnt) sometimes for a month at time, and would not call me. She would send an email, or I would call her to talk, but she never called me voluntarily. On a few occassions, I told her I did not want her to travel and she left anyway. she would come back like nothing happened.

Even when I explained to her that it hurt to do some of these things, she still did them. 

She is not capable of telling me she loves me. Once in 6 years, and only after I forced it.

I swear she is a kind person and does not mean to hurt me. But she is just, it seems, not hardwired to care for others. I genuinely think that she does not have the capability to understand how her actions affect other people, and is totally unaware of the ways in which people need to act to build a relationship.

I know there is no science to this, but she is an only child, and it seems, a rather extreme case of this. As I have begun to confront her to talk more openly about these issues, she admits that she was totally unaware that these things bothered me notwithstanding the fact that I have been telling her for years. She just did not see it. My male friends, with whom I am not especially open about personal matters - even they saw that I was not happy about it. We would spend so much time together, I have been a bit taken aback lately to find out how little she really knew. Again, I've talked to her about this over the years, but she just couldn't understand it in a very fundamental way. I am now making an issue about it and forcing her to confront it. She says she understands, but then reverts to old practice. There is something missing in her - something most people have.

She is so afraid of conflict that her solution to all of the times now and in the past that I have brought these things up is to ignore them. Go in the other room and wait it out. She genuinely cannot handle discussing it without it causing her so much stress that she shuts down, so she avoids it entirely. It's as if bringing up the issues to talk about them causes her so much confusion that she tries for a little while to understand and then eventually walks away when it does not compute.

I really think there is something "broken" with her. I have never met a person like this before. I had assumed (incorrectly) before we got married that everyone has the capability to build a connection. We loved each other, and it seemed to be going in the right direction until she just stopped.

Am I fighting a losing battle on this one?


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

It's really hard to tell what's going on with your wife but possible things that come to mind are:

She has Aspergers or is slightly Autistic
She's gay. (Away with the girlfriends for a month. WTF ???)
She was abused or abandoned as a child.
Your marriage was arranged.
Your abusive.

Can you eliminate any of these easily?

Peace


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

She sounds exactly like my husband.

I have to admit, it does sound like Asperger's... Need more details. I'm intrigued as to what others think as well...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Aspergers was my guess as well.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

anonymousguy said:


> So married now for almost 6 years. At first, we were moving in the right direction. But then we sort of hit a wall. I was constantly looking for a deeper connection and my wife would take actions that would prevent it.
> 
> Very hard to explain, but I have noticed over time that she cannot get any closer to me...or for that matter, any other person. As examples, she does not proactively touch me in any manner, like a hand on a shoulder, and now that I am conscious of it, I've noticed she does not touch other people as well. And this also applies to emotional connection, not just physical.
> 
> ...


I don't think being an only child is the cause here. 

I agree with the previous posters. I think there's a good possibility she either has Asperger's Syndrome or similarly she's a very high functioning autistic person. Why would I say it? Her inability to understand how her actions impact others, lacking theory of mind, an almost sensory defensiveness to touching others, not being very empathetic, lacking social skills that most typical adults her age have, etc. I could go on. I have a family member with that disorder so your post jumped out at me. 

Just out of curiosity, did you not notice these traits when you were dating or courting her? I can't imagine she hid these characteristics well. People who have Asperger's are poor liars because of the theory of mind issues. Theory of mind in a nutshell is the ability to place yourself in another's shoes and see the situation from that point of view.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

If it's Asperger's, all hope is not lost. Check out this book by Rudy Simone. 22 Things a Woman With Asperger's Syndrome Wants Her Partner to Know
Amazon.com: 22 Things a Woman With Asperger's Syndrome Wants Her Partner to Know (9781849058834): Rudy Simone: Books


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Only other thing I can think of is a die-hard passive-aggressive. Although I will say she doesn't seem vindictive from OP's description? 

Coffee - looks like an interesting read... 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anonymousguy (Aug 13, 2012)

We went to a marriage counselor with a ton of experience for 6 sessions. We quit because it was hurting her too much and we were regressing. She is highly sensitive to her own feelings, just clueless about others feelings. It's not autism or aspergers. Not only would the counselor have picked up on that, but my wife is totally normal in every way except this inability to connect. she is quite well adjusted in all social situations, just very quiet. when she started to understand that what she was doing was hurting me, she was really broken up and felt horrible. But then just repeated the behavior.

Not arranged marriage...we met 2 years before getting married at a bar. Dated for a while. Very standard stuff.

No abuse from me, needless to say.

I do not think she was abused as a child. Her mom and dad are decent people. But now that I know my wife, I see the same personality trait in her mom.

Definitely not a lesbian. Can't prove that of course but I know her well enough to say that.

The travel for a month is crazy, I know. But her family lives in Europe and she moved here for me. We met when I was working over there. She just has this European thinking...summer vacations for a month are normal. We are quite well off, so when she quit her job and wanted to travel, I was supportive at first. With my job, I go through periods where I am working 18 hour days for a few weeks at a time when trying to close a deal, so it was more reasonable than it sounds at first for her to take long trips. And her girlfriends were in the same boat. Mostly Europeans with free time.

I really think its upbringing. I think it's a pretty extreme case of someone being brought up without siblings and without friends from whom to learn. She readily admits that her friends from home are not true friends, just people she knew. She also admits that she has never had a close friend until me. And now at her age, she has only focused on herself, worried about herself, cared for herself, for so many years, it's ingrained in her somehow.

She has just never had to adjust her behavior to accommodate another person on any significant matter. The piece that I cannot figure out is why she continues to make the same mistakes after we communicate on it. She is a smart woman - has a university degree and worked professionally for years. She has these moments when she seems to understand, but then the next time something happens, her instincts take over and she reverts to form.

Very difficult loving someone like that.


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## anonymousguy (Aug 13, 2012)

Want to clarify. I did not say she reacts badly to being touched. It's just that she never touches people on her own initiative, me or otherwise. I mean never. It's like she does not think about it as an option. She does not have a negative reaction to others touching her, just no reaction. As if a hug goes one way.

She did not hide these traits when we were dating. She was just shy and, I thought, reserved. When we were dating, the way she acted seemed more appropriate for a woman with a man she knew for a short while. I assumed she would open up.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

All I have to say is - marriage counselors don't know everything. In my experience they can miss a lot. 

Has she tried individual counseling? I think there may be something to the "only child" thing... My husband and your wife have lots in common and he is also an only child. His family also thinks he has Asperger's, but after researching it I have more questions and doubts than answers).

Aside a formal diagnosis, I guess all you really can do is appreciate her free spirit. (My husband calls himself, "Spiritually Mature" lol)

I feel your pain... Wish I had something more useful to say... 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Could be cultural? Where and how was she raised? What was her childhood like?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anonymousguy (Aug 13, 2012)

Raised in eastern Europe. I speak her native language and lived in her culture for years, know it well. She is now fluent in English.

Quiet, and relatively poor, childhood. Family kept to itself. It was, after all, communist. Like many eastern european cultures, it does have a look out for yourself attitude. But I know plenty others from her culture who are just not like this.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

What is her family like? Are they warm and loving or reserved like she is? Looking for more details here...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Just saw your edit - perhaps is just the way she was raised? Culture isn't everything, could just be the way she is. Is she religious by any chance? I understand your frustration, but I'm not sure what you are looking for her... (Not trying to sound harsh) 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anonymousguy (Aug 13, 2012)

Her dad is great. Very warm guy. Wants to be my best friend.

Her mother is very limited, but kind. By limited I mean she has four things she does in life and has been repeating those for 50 years. New things are difficult for her to understand. Her dad is the opposite.

They fight a lot. Lots of yelling. She isn't very nice to them. But I think that's just how they have always been. It's strange to me, but it works for them. She has a short fuse with her parents, and does not always treat them with respect. I think that is because she is fully modern and they are not, so oddly enough the cultural differences between her and her parents is larger than between her and me. My wife and my mother get along great. My wife likes her a lot. But again, my mom has had a hard time breaking through to a deeper level with her. 

She has never told her parents about how she and I have issues. She has never told anyone in fact, because she does not have anyone to tell other than me.


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## anonymousguy (Aug 13, 2012)

YinPrincess said:


> Just saw your edit - perhaps is just the way she was raised? Culture isn't everything, could just be the way she is. Is she religious by any chance? I understand your frustration, but I'm not sure what you are looking for her... (Not trying to sound harsh)
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I guess I go back to my original question. Am I wasting my time trying to get her to understand and change? Does that ever really happen with people who are so limited emotionally?


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Well, since it's safe to assume she didn't pull a "bait and switch" short answer is "yes" you could be "wasting" your time.

A more involved answer would be that any person can learn to change and grow if they *want* it, but you can't make them. I'm in the same boat, so I know how hard this is.

There is a poster here, (MattMatt if I recall correctly), who has a wife who has Asperger's. His posts might be worth looking up, and they are inspiring, to boot. Sometimes accepting someone just as they are is the hardest thing to do when you have your own ideas and expectations. (Realizing that took me forever and I still struggle with it).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

Everyone here will tell you that you can't change someone. They have to want to change themselves and its usually takes a life altering event to trigger the desire to do it. I had one and I changed. The older my wife gets the more she behaves like her mother.  While my wife is very physical when I initiate she has never been one to communicate about our relationship. I get no feedback. Ever. Some would say "hey that's the perfect women" but it gets old. It's from her abusive childhood and mostly because of how her mother treated her. Always yelling at her and putting her down. She learned not to show her feelings to her mother because she was very afraid of the reaction she might get. Your wife may have suffered too much verbal abuse and received zero hugs while growing up. You said she yells at them alot and she had to learn that somewhere. In my wifes case it's a pattern that she cannot control 100% of the time, but she tries. 

Ask your wife if she remembers getting alot of hugs and see what she says.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Enginerd said:


> She learned not to show her feelings to her mother because she was very afraid of the reaction she might get. Your wife may have suffered too much verbal abuse and received zero hugs while growing up. You said she yells at them alot and she had to learn that somewhere. In my wifes case it's a pattern that she cannot control 100% of the time, but she tries.


This is just so sad. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

YinPrincess said:


> This is just so sad.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Yep. Her mother is still alive and a total alcoholic train wreck. The good news is that we always hug our kids and they don't hate us.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Enginerd said:


> It's from her abusive childhood and mostly because of how her mother treated her. Always yelling at her and putting her down. She learned not to show her feelings to her mother because she was very afraid of the reaction she might get. Your wife may have suffered too much verbal abuse and received zero hugs while growing up.


I got this treatment from both my mom AND my dad. A double whammy. As a result yes I was unable to be emotionally close to anyone. I hated being hugged, touched or kissed. I never spoke words of endearment. I couldn't see how my actions affected others. It was if I were behind this wall where I couldn't reach anyone and they couldn't reach me.

I fixed my problem with therapy. Lots and lots of therapy. Therapy helped heal the wounds of my childhood so I could become a whole person. I am now nothing like I used to be.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

A bit of a thread jack but it might help...

My wife was not as affected by her parents as her siblings. My wife was her Dad's favorite but he was also an alcoholic abuser so her sister and brother got it from both parents. The brother is a compulsive liar (jailed for fraud once) and the other hides in her bedroom all day at an Ashram smoking pot. Neither can face the world on honest terms. Talk about denial.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Maybe she has some kind of attachment disorder. Reactive attachment disorder might be worth looking into. It's pretty severe, you mostly see it in children who have been in a lot of foster homes, or adopted as older children from abusive situations.

Attachment Disorder, Attachment Therapy - Adult Attachment Disorder and Treatment. That link has a list of adult symptoms of attachment disorder.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Lyris said:


> Maybe she has some kind of attachment disorder. Reactive attachment disorder might be worth looking into. It's pretty severe, you mostly see it in children who have been in a lot of foster homes, or adopted as older children from abusive situations.
> 
> Attachment Disorder, Attachment Therapy - Adult Attachment Disorder and Treatment. That link has a list of adult symptoms of attachment disorder.


Very informative... Thanks for providing the link... 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Melody123 (Aug 14, 2012)

I feel similar sometimes- Almost like somethings just not clicking but nobody else notices it... Its as if I am painting some beautiful picture that everybody buys, sometimes I sell it to myself too. It is really hard for me to connect with people. The only way I can connect is if I have an intimate relationship but eventually it will stop growing, like a wall or something. It has happened in every relationship I have been in. My parents were Very young when they had me so I am thinking that they might have un-knowingly neglected me or something because I did have imaginary friends when I was little. I do not remember much of my child-hood so its hard to tell. I wish I could bond on a deeper level with people. Also out of no were I was deathly afraid of heights and spiders. Are there any other details about your wife??


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## RDL (Feb 10, 2012)

You need a psychologist to evaluate her, not a marriage counselor.


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## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> I got this treatment from both my mom AND my dad. A double whammy. As a result yes I was unable to be emotionally close to anyone. I hated being hugged, touched or kissed. I never spoke words of endearment. I couldn't see how my actions affected others. It was if I were behind this wall where I couldn't reach anyone and they couldn't reach me.
> 
> I fixed my problem with therapy. Lots and lots of therapy. Therapy helped heal the wounds of my childhood so I could become a whole person. I am now nothing like I used to be.


I was also Mavish, it is hard for me to reach out and touch my husband and children at times. I joined Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers and that helped me understand myself and my mom.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

anony2 said:


> I was also Mavish, it is hard for me to reach out and touch my husband and children at times. I joined Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers and that helped me understand myself and my mom.


While I was healing I was on a board called Adult Children of Narcissists. It helped decipher the craziness that comes from being raised by N's.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Lyris said:


> Maybe she has some kind of attachment disorder. Reactive attachment disorder might be worth looking into. It's pretty severe, you mostly see it in children who have been in a lot of foster homes, or adopted as older children from abusive situations.
> 
> Attachment Disorder, Attachment Therapy - Adult Attachment Disorder and Treatment. That link has a list of adult symptoms of attachment disorder.


My friends 9 year old has been diagnosed with this. She's a drug baby and was in foster care for 18 months before going to stay with my friend permanently. That kid is MESSED up. She's the type of kid to come after you with a knife because she's mad at you and has no empathy for how that would feel.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Sex abuse victim.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

anonymousguy said:


> Even when I explained to her that it hurt to do some of these things, she still did them.
> 
> She is not capable of telling me she loves me. Once in 6 years, and only after I forced it.
> 
> ...


Not at all. There are a lot of similarities between your situation and mine. My wife's father was a raging alcoholic and her mom show strong narcissistic personality characteristics. Adult children of alcoholics find themselves never knowing the right way to act in any situation. Children of narcissists develop without understanding the value or practice of empathy and self giving. 

Although we have had some difficult times in the past, we are currently in a great place. This is the result of my taking the lead 100% of the time. I initiate all touching, kissing, intimacy, words of affirmation, ... If I want it (and I certainly do) then I do it. There is no reciprocity, no mutuality and no expectations.

I will admit that I have had my challenges adjusting this way of doing things, but I got over it pretty quick and I'm starting to be a lot more comfortable with it. Is this what I had in mind when I got married? Not really. But by adapting to the situation at hand rather than my expectations, I found a way to make things work for both of us. Plenty of people in this world are broke, men and women. This doesn't meant that they and their partners are doomed to either divorce or a lifetime of unhappiness. Everyone is hardwired for caring and intimacy but experiences from childhood and early relationships can severely block this from developing in many of us.


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