# Be honest, I can take it



## mommatoaj (Dec 11, 2019)

I am looking for advice and I need it from someone not involved. And yes I spoke to my husband about it first. For reference, it is about texts, my husband and his female boss (she is mid 30's and attractive and divorcing), who I will call A. I noticed, what I thought was an odd text from A. I proceeded to look back and noticed others that I found too "friendly". And way too many emoticons
They are as follows: A-Please don't kill me and don't be mad at me, but I have to cancel our meeting. I'm so so sorry. (seems a little less than a professional text, at least to me).
A-Make sure you RSVP for the company party (why text only him about RSVP?).
H-okay
A-I LOVED your joke about the party. You are so funny!
Is it me or do these seem overly friendly? Or are they just fine and our past issues are clouding my judgment? Tell the truth I can handle it


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

They seem overly friendly to me, especially coming from a boss. She has poor boundaries. It doesn't necessarily mean that your husband is encouraging it.

Was the RSVP a group text?

What is your husband texting back? If he is not saying much, he could just be putting up with it for the sake of his job.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

mommatoaj said:


> I am looking for advice and I need it from someone not involved. And yes I spoke to my husband about it first. For reference, it is about texts, my husband and his female boss (she is mid 30's and attractive and divorcing), who I will call A. I noticed, what I thought was an odd text from A. I proceeded to look back and noticed others that I found too "friendly". And way too many emoticons
> They are as follows: A-Please don't kill me and don't be mad at me, but I have to cancel our meeting. I'm so so sorry. (seems a little less than a professional text, at least to me).
> A-Make sure you RSVP for the company party (why text only him about RSVP?).
> H-okay
> ...


I literally have hundreds of these kinds of texts from coworkers. None of them are inappropriate.

I cannot speak to what his judgement, or lack thereof is or was. But these on their own are literally nothing.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

A lot of people have poor boundaries and believe that friendlier is better than formal.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Overly friendly. 

That can be a problem eventually.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Depends. We have no idea about the dynamic at your husband's job.

I've always been more professional with text messages but it has gotten a little off the cuff in conversations spoken.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

What are the issues from the past that are triggering you?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I will add that it could be something on A's side.

Your husband's one response signifies nothing.

She could be a bit too flirty but your husband isn't necessarily buying.

So you know why she is divorcing?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

''Please don't kill me or be mad at me...'' lol

Sounds like a teenager texting someone. It's inappropriate mainly because she's in a position of authority over your husband. #mentoo

But ''please don't kill me, etc...'' sounds like your husband isn't entirely innocent in these exchanges. 

I'd simply ask him what is meant by the texts and see his reaction? If he gets red in the face, and extremely defensive and starts calling you ''crazy,'' then you know something's up.


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

It's funny - I work in a conservative finance / law environment. I read your posts and thought "never would my boss text me like that!" - but my boss is also in his 60's and extremely conservative / old school.

Then I thought about my husband - he works in the alcohol industry, with a very different work culture than mine. Texts like the ones you describe are common place in his world. Maybe not from his "boss" but from co-workers and customers.

You know the situation better than any of us. I would say if he isn't hiding these texts, he probably isn't hiding anything more sinister.


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## mommatoaj (Dec 11, 2019)

That could be and I hope it is. And he doesn't "seem" to be encouraging them on text, but the "joke" he told was on a phone call. I certainly don't see and shouldn't see all of their exchanges.


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## mommatoaj (Dec 11, 2019)

Adelais said:


> They seem overly friendly to me, especially coming from a boss. She has poor boundaries. It doesn't necessarily mean that your husband is encouraging it.
> 
> Was the RSVP a group text?
> 
> What is your husband texting back? If he is not saying much, he could just be putting up with it for the sake of his job.


The RSVP was texted only to him. I just thought it was strange.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

How old is your husband?


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## mommatoaj (Dec 11, 2019)

Marduk said:


> I literally have hundreds of these kinds of texts from coworkers. None of them are inappropriate.
> 
> I cannot speak to what his judgement, or lack thereof is or was. But these on their own are literally nothing.


I appreciate your perspective. It is possible that just because I would not send these types of texts to a subordinate doesn't mean there was any ulterior motives behind them.


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## mommatoaj (Dec 11, 2019)

Benbutton said:


> What are the issues from the past that are triggering you?


It has been suggested that my husband has a tendency to favor female employees. Doesn't make it a fact though.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Nothing is more important to a woman than a man's attention.
She's fishing for his attention in an overt way.

They are not friends, she has motivations beyond co workers.


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## mommatoaj (Dec 11, 2019)

I shouldnthave said:


> It's funny - I work in a conservative finance / law environment. I read your posts and thought "never would my boss text me like that!" - but my boss is also in his 60's and extremely conservative / old school.
> 
> Then I thought about my husband - he works in the alcohol industry, with a very different work culture than mine. Texts like the ones you describe are common place in his world. Maybe not from his "boss" but from co-workers and customers.
> 
> You know the situation better than any of us. I would say if he isn't hiding these texts, he probably isn't hiding anything more sinister.


No, he isn't hiding texts, but the reality is that I certainly am not there for in person, email, or phone conversations. And I shouldn't have to be. I just thought if my male supervisor would text me in an overly friendly matter, I would take notice. But that doesn't necessarily make it wrong.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

mommatoaj said:


> No, he isn't hiding texts, but the reality is that I certainly am not there for in person, email, or phone conversations. And I shouldn't have to be. I just thought if my male supervisor would text me in an overly friendly matter, I would take notice. But that doesn't necessarily make it wrong.


Are you invited to the company party? She seems a little too keen that he goes. 
I would say that her texts are inappropriate, especially as she is his boss.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

You can’t make someone feel the same way about things as you. You and some others see overly friendly, I see a young manager trying to be everyone’s friend. Plus, excessive emojis is common to me for her age group.


You glossed over past issues. No, “it has been suggested“ doesn’t answer the question. What is or are the specific issues or issue triggering you?


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

mommatoaj said:


> The RSVP was texted only to him. I just thought it was strange.


Does she call you, just to talk?


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## mommatoaj (Dec 11, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> Are you invited to the company party? She seems a little too keen that he goes.
> I would say that her texts are inappropriate, especially as she is his boss.


No, spouses are not invited to the party.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Ah, this is a wait and see.

You gotta wait this out, and see if the supervisory-waitress delivers more sweet-me tea.

I would not wait around worrying, while waiting.

Some people are supervisors and some are bosses.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

FWIW - I've read different stories on here over the past couple of years, of people who find out that their spouses were having full blown affairs for a while, right under their faces. The betrayed spouses seemed quite blindsided by it all.

Thing is, all of their stories start off pretty much how your OP starts off, and they ignored the red flags in the beginning. Not that your husband is thinking of cheating or is cheating, but that's how affairs begin. They begin with texts, IM's, secret lunches, phone calls later in the evening...all under the guise of ''work.'' That coworker or boss who ''is just a friend.''

If you are posting this question, your instincts are warning you that something could be off. Don't ignore your gut. 

''Please don't kill me,'' is what keeps glaring at me in the face with this thread lol i don't know why, just something about that text that is inappropriate.

The slow random drip of a faucet if left unchecked over months, can lead to a flood one day. Affairs don't happen over night. Again, not saying that is where this is heading, but not saying it's out of the question, either.


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## mommatoaj (Dec 11, 2019)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> You can’t make someone feel the same way about things as you. You and some others see overly friendly, I see a young manager trying to be everyone’s friend. Plus, excessive emojis is common to me for her age group.
> 
> 
> You glossed over past issues. No, “it has been suggested“ doesn’t answer the question. What is or are the specific issues or issue triggering you?


It is "possible" he had an inappropriate relationship with a co-worker. I will never know if my suspicions were accurate, but that was a long time ago. My triggers are that my husband is not too keen on honesty. Just like a lot of people, his default is to lie. It isn't mine, so I struggle to understand why he struggles with honesty. So, I'm not sure if when I question something if I am getting the truth. The reality is, even if he thought the texts were less than professional, he would lie and say he didn't think anything of it to avoid a "conversation". And really, it would be just that, not an argument. Because I do not know if he is encouraging the friendliness.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

"Please don't kill me" tells me she has been caught in mistakes before by OP's husband.
She placed this statement ahead of any more criticism likely coming her way.

And, that she holds the rank of supervisor, but knows not how to pull it. 

Parents do this with their children, treating them like friends, not like subordinate children.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

mommatoaj said:


> No, spouses are not invited to the party.


Ya know, if my boss said no spouse's invited then l just wouldn't care to go. I not setting the standard, but your honey should stay home and give the boss the real reason for not going,. " I thank you for the invite, but my wife is important enough for me to want to take her also" so thanks for the invite.

So if he goes he weak and pathetic from this man's point of view. And should stand with you.


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## mommatoaj (Dec 11, 2019)

*Deidre* said:


> FWIW - I've read different stories on here over the past couple of years, of people who find out that their spouses were having full blown affairs for a while, right under their faces. The betrayed spouses seemed quite blindsided by it all.
> 
> Thing is, all of their stories start off pretty much how your OP starts off, and they ignored the red flags in the beginning. Not that your husband is thinking of cheating or is cheating, but that's how affairs begin. They begin with texts, IM's, secret lunches, phone calls later in the evening...all under the guise of ''work.'' That coworker or boss who ''is just a friend.''
> 
> ...


My instincts are very good, but I also know that occasionally I can see things that aren't there. I really do appreciate everyone's perspective. It's good to see other people's point of view. I did think the texts were "off". My fear is that my husband is encouraging them.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I have a text from my boss asking me to RSVP at one of our christmas shin digs... partly to get the headcount right but also because of speeches, showing the leadership flag, etc.

My current boss is a man, but it has frequently been a woman in the past. No different.

If this is your only red flag, then it's not a red flag to me. Or even a yellow one.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

SunCMars said:


> "Please don't kill me" tells me she has been caught in mistakes before by OP's husband.
> She placed this statement ahead of any more criticism likely coming her way.
> 
> And, that she holds the rank of supervisor, but knows not how to pull it.
> ...


My boss says stuff like that all the time.

Usually because he's been bugging me, or bailing on meetings last minute. **** happens. It's a way of keeping things informal and defusing situations. Work relationships work best when they're formal enough, but not overly so.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

mommatoaj said:


> My instincts are very good, but I also know that occasionally I can see things that aren't there. I really do appreciate everyone's perspective. It's good to see other people's point of view. I did think the texts were "off". My fear is that my husband is encouraging them.


Yea, I understand. I don't think you should live with that fear, though - and sounds like he has a history of lying, as you've mentioned. Marriage should be a place of safety, and right now, you're feeling off because something is off.

The RSVP text doesn't mean much to me, either...but the ''please don't kill me,'' is the text that I'd like to know why she sent him this. I'm sorry if I missed it, but how did you find these texts? Did you go through his phone, or did he share them willingly? Sorry, I was just curious. Maybe this is just me, but ''please don't kill me/be mad'' is something that I'd say to my husband if plans changed at the last minute, and we had to be somewhere else, or something like that. It's not something I'd say to my boss, ever. Or he to me. 

Anywho...


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Your husband is dishonest with a possible affair in your past. So, in that context, these texts are Highly inappropriate from his end not Necessarily the boss. If you talked through and moved past the problem, he should be doing everything to make you comfortable with in reason.

Thanks for responding.


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

I understand the discomfort.

But I am curious - all of his responses seem quite banal.

What is he supposed to do? Text back his boss and tell her to text in a more professional manner? Go to HR and request that she take a more formal tone?

She seems like the instigator and in text at least it doesn't sound like he is playing along.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

yeah I have had several female bosses and not one of them ever talked to me in that manner....and i have a lot of female employees and i would not dare use that verbiage on them....trust your gut.


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## mommatoaj (Dec 11, 2019)

*Deidre* said:


> Yea, I understand. I don't think you should live with that fear, though - and sounds like he has a history of lying, as you've mentioned. Marriage should be a place of safety, and right now, you're feeling off because something is off.
> 
> The RSVP text doesn't mean much to me, either...but the ''please don't kill me,'' is the text that I'd like to know why she sent him this. I'm sorry if I missed it, but how did you find these texts? Did you go through his phone, or did he share them willingly? Sorry, I was just curious. Maybe this is just me, but ''please don't kill me/be mad'' is something that I'd say to my husband if plans changed at the last minute, and we had to be somewhere else, or something like that. It's not something I'd say to my boss, ever. Or he to me.
> 
> Anywho...


I saw the text because he had an issue with his phone and while I was trying to fix the problem I saw it. No, he didn't point it out, but didn't delete it either. Although the reality is that if he did delete something I would never know. Funny thing is that the don't be mad text was off putting to me, but somehow her saying how funny he is and she loves the joke he made was the text that made me take notice. And I agree with you, they were texts I could see me sending to him, which is what bothered me. It is possible that she is just unprofessional (in my opinion) and this is how she talks. When I mentioned that I thought the texts were too friendly my husband's response was defensive, but that doesn't mean much if he thought what I was saying HE was doing something wrong.


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## mommatoaj (Dec 11, 2019)

I shouldnthave said:


> I understand the discomfort.
> 
> But I am curious - all of his responses seem quite banal.
> 
> ...


No, I wouldn't expect him to do either. My issue is that I needed to make sure that my husband didn't/doesn't give any mixed messages to her. It is very possible that he may not be encouraging her friendliness intentionally, but he needs to be certain that her perception is reality. I was looking for other people's opinions and I appreciate everyone's point of view.


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## Zing (Nov 15, 2012)

I do not know of the context of your story here... so, I can give you my perspective from a household where there has never been infidelity/boundary issues.

My line of work is about making dreams come true. I am a fantasy ghostwriter, and somehow, 99% of my clientele are males - men with full-time jobs, a lot of ideas and enough money to fund that hobby, but lack either the drive or the time to pen 80,000 words. The very nature of my work involves creativity, expression and romanticism. If I were to be so formal in my communication, they wouldn't be able to freely express their visions to me. If I don't extract those buried ideas, my work will never match their expectations. I engage in banter just so I can understand their ideas better... much like how the receptionist is friendly and a nurse is warm with their clients/patients to make them feel at ease. 
So yes, my messages with my clients are much friendlier than the ones you've outlined - though entirely harmless in nature. 

My husband, on the other hand, works in a cutthroat sector on a trading floor. It's a male-dominated industry. When he started, there might have been the odd woman or two, with a friendly remark splattered here and there (none initiated by my husband); but now, at the higher level, it's primarily men. If I chanced upon a message like the one you've posted here, I would only be intrigued - and that is because my husband is an introvert who has no interest in engaging in any kind of banter. 

I must say this - even if he were an extrovert by nature, I wouldn't be alarmed if I found on his phone the messages posted here. 

Unless he's given me a reason to doubt his loyalty... then everything changes, of course...


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## father_of_2 (Oct 27, 2017)

I once had a vendor in the UK who would send me texts like this all the time. Drove me a little bonkers and I'm pretty sure she did want a little more. But I always remained professional, never overstepped, and rebuffed any advances. Even when I was in the UK this year and she came to find me at a trade show and offered to take me to drinks/dinner, I said thanks, but no thanks. Didn't stop my wife from suspecting an affair, until one night she read through all my texts and saw my only texts to her were "when can you get me that quote" and "I need a quote for XYZ. Appreciate your prompt assistance." I think my wife actually got frustrated that there wasn't more!

I feel like your husband's one word response of "okay" is indicative of him trying to keep things professional with a young, perhaps naive and overly flirty, supervisor. If there was something else in the texts *from him*, I'd be a lot more worried.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

mommatoaj said:


> It is "possible" he had an inappropriate relationship with a co-worker. I will never know if my suspicions were accurate, but that was a long time ago. My triggers are that my husband is not too keen on honesty. Just like a lot of people, his default is to lie. It isn't mine, so I struggle to understand why he struggles with honesty. So, I'm not sure if when I question something if I am getting the truth. The reality is, even if he thought the texts were less than professional, he would lie and say he didn't think anything of it to avoid a "conversation". And really, it would be just that, not an argument. Because I do not know if he is encouraging the friendliness.


So he has a history of crossing boundaries and more so, is a seasoned liar.

While he isn't exactly Casanova when it comes to texting, who KNOWS whether he's completely different when he's talking to her on the phone or interacting with her face to face? My vote is that he's probably a lot more "charming" face to face than he is when he's texting. Lots of people are like that - no finesse at all at the written word but they make up for it in person.

While her texts seem extremely immature, considering this guy is a liar and HAS been a liar for a long, long time, I wouldn't put anything past him. I'm just being honest.

Never ignore your gut when it's talking to you.


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## .339971 (Sep 12, 2019)

I'm with the others, it's just overfriendly. Have you by chance ever met her?


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

This one is kind of difficult... Because well meaning people can disagree. 

On one hand, I think she is being too familiar, and I personally would never talk to a subordinate like that. 

On the other hand, I have female higher ups that are kind of familiar, and part of me wonders if they are fishing... But since I am in a Relationship, I tone down that radar, because I don't want to know. 


Then you have your previous suspicions and the fact that tends to lie... 

I think the tendency to lie is maybe the most telling, but none of this is any type of a smoking gun...


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