# Spouses in the dark



## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Bad enough to be cheated on and lied to, but to be left in the dark not knowing your spouse is/was living a double life and still pining away for someone else even after the affair may have ended while also continuing to string you along is already beyond insulting and disrespectful.

Mind helping me understand this? If there are examples where ignorance is truly bliss, I’d like to know.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Spoons since coming here last May you have been asking this question or something very much like it through a variety of iterations.

Yet search though I might I am unable to deduce where your insecurity/your personal issue is coming from.

Care to elucidate?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Spoons027 said:


> Bad enough to be cheated on and lied to, but to be left in the dark not knowing your spouse is/was living a double life and still pining away for someone else even after the affair may have ended while also continuing to string you along is already beyond insulting and disrespectful.
> 
> Mind helping me understand this? If there are examples where ignorance is truly bliss, I’d like to know.


There is no way to understand it if you are not a cheater. Cheaters are cake eaters, they will have their cake (you) and eat it also (OM). They are usually remorseless, lacking in empathy which enables them to inflict the damage they do.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

If you didn't know, never found out, were happy, and are happy now, then yes, ignorance is bliss. That would change if/when you find out. Then it's going to be painful, no matter when it happens, or what the scenario.

Not knowing why you're posting about this, I will assume your wife had an affair, you didn't know until many years later, and then she left - either because you found out or she told you.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Married but Happy said:


> If you didn't know, never found out, were happy, and are happy now, then yes, ignorance is bliss.


In regards to to this "Ignorance is Bliss" argument, I've always wondered how a marriage could be fulfilled to the point of bliss with a WS carrying on a LTA. I think from the outside it's more about privacy then ignorance.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

syhoybenden said:


> Spoons since coming here last May you have been asking this question or something very much like it through a variety of iterations.
> 
> Yet search though I might I am unable to deduce where your insecurity/your personal issue is coming from.
> 
> Care to elucidate?


Let’s just say I just found out that this is the exact situation going on right now with a friend, and it’s giving me hard triggers. He thinks it’s perfectly ok to keep his spouse in the dark while he’s off fooling around with a coworker, and somehow, for some reason, he chose me to confide this in.

I just can’t escape this crap. It’s all around me.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Married but Happy said:


> If you didn't know, never found out, were happy, and are happy now, then yes, ignorance is bliss. That would change if/when you find out. Then it's going to be painful, no matter when it happens, or what the scenario.
> 
> Not knowing why you're posting about this, I will assume your wife had an affair, you didn't know until many years later, and then she left - either because you found out or she told you.


Not me. A friend now. We’re not very close at least, but still, this situation hits too close to home. 

And here I thought I was finally getting better. Finally moving on. My thoughts are spiraling right now. Just when I think I was starting to accept what happened, this mess pops up and has me wondering again.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

You need new friends. In the scenario you describe, I'd refuse to listen. 

Take care of yourself--spoken as one who has been blind-sided by PTSD triggers lately. I have always and will continue to keep my mouth shut, but it is really difficult to not want to refute lies, innuendo, aspersions especially when my kids are receiving this trash. I'm a believer that they will know me by the life I lead. (TAM has been a release bit by bit for things I've not spoken of previously. Thank you.)


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

sunsetmist said:


> You need new friends. In the scenario you describe, I'd refuse to listen.
> 
> Take care of yourself--spoken as one who has been blind-sided by PTSD triggers lately. I have always and will continue to keep my mouth shut, but it is really difficult to not want to refute lies, innuendo, aspersions especially when my kids are receiving this trash. I'm a believer that they will know me by the life I lead. (TAM has been a release bit by bit for things I've not spoken of previously. Thank you.)


Thank you. I’m doing the best I can to heal me and rebuild my life. Where I live though, it seems everyone believes cheating is a normal everyday thing and they keep each other’s secrets like a brotherhood. I guess with my supposed old-fashioned beliefs, I’m an apple surrounded by oranges.

To make new friends, I’d basically have to move, which I can’t really afford right now.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

RWB said:


> Married but Happy said:
> 
> 
> > If you didn't know, never found out, were happy, and are happy now, then yes, ignorance is bliss.
> ...


Especially if the cheaters are having an LTA.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Spoons027 said:


> Thank you. I’m doing the best I can to heal me and rebuild my life. Where I live though, it seems everyone believes cheating is a normal everyday thing and they keep each other’s secrets like a brotherhood. I guess with my supposed old-fashioned beliefs, I’m an apple surrounded by oranges.
> 
> To make new friends, I’d basically have to move, which I can’t really afford right now.


Sorry you are stuck. However, my friends know I stick up for my beliefs--no gossip (not much anyway), rude behavior, etc. I just say, "Let's change the subject." Is this harder for a guy? Cheating can be rampant in some places--not a good place to be. Poor choices abound if you focus on them.

You don't see a cat running with a herd of dogs or a nun running with a group of prostitutes. Surely you can find others like yourself or at least change the tenor of the situation.

This is still fresh for you. Time will be your friend.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

sunsetmist said:


> Spoons027 said:
> 
> 
> > Thank you. I’m doing the best I can to heal me and rebuild my life. Where I live though, it seems everyone believes cheating is a normal everyday thing and they keep each other’s secrets like a brotherhood. I guess with my supposed old-fashioned beliefs, I’m an apple surrounded by oranges.
> ...


Thank you again. I have to admit that it’s quite strange when online strangers on an Internet forum seem to share your beliefs more than the people irl do sometimes.

It’s much appreciated though.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Lots of people can be selfish *******s. 

It's really that simple.

In a larger sense they are broken. Both relationships (wife/mistress) are stunted and unhealthy. If you truly love someone you would not want to hide them and you would not want to share time away from them. You would want to integrate them with your entire life. 

This is not what an affair is. It's in fact a corruption of a relationship, a retardation in the sense that it is not a fully developed healthy adult relationship. The idea that it represents love defies belief. The only thing that makes sense is those who have them only really care about themselves because they have no guilt about stringing two people along just to selfishly using them for there own benefit.

You need better friends and a higher quality of people in your social circle.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Imagine a case with an asexual person A, married to a sexual person B. Be has a long term affair with C who is in a similar situation. The keep it quiet and A and D never find out. Is that really worse for A than being divorced? Always?


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

uhtred said:


> Imagine a case with an asexual person A, married to a sexual person B. Be has a long term affair with C who is in a similar situation. The keep it quiet and A and D never find out. Is that really worse for A than being divorced? Always?


Case by case basis, I’d say. Depends on what kind of people A and D are. Would they hate being kept in a sham of marriage or did they express their full consent for B and C to go get their needs met somewhere else with the expression that A and D do not want to be told what they’re up to? 


Personally, if A and D truly don’t know, I’d say it's worse bc A and D are pretty much living a lie with their time and agency stripped away.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

uhtred said:


> Imagine a case with an asexual person A, married to a sexual person B. Be has a long term affair with C who is in a similar situation. The keep it quiet and A and D never find out. Is that really worse for A than being divorced? Always?


Yep. Not even talking about their spouses. C and A could have a very happy life together if they had honor and courage. Instead they hide and lie to everyone else in their life. They have no honor they live in fear they are inauthentic to their very core. A and C are phony cowards. 

For me if I had a choice of never having sex again or being a fraud and a coward, there would be no choice.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

If my wife was involved in an affair (EA or PA) I would want to know. I don't think there is any good argument to be made for hiding it. Maybe the betrayed spouse is happy in ignorance , but it is a false happiness based on lies and deception. 

I value truth in all things. Maybe I am just old fashion.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

uhtred said:


> Imagine a case with an asexual person A, married to a sexual person B. Be has a long term affair with C who is in a similar situation. The keep it quiet and A and D never find out. Is that really worse for A than being divorced? Always?


This is imaginary. There is no way this would work long term. Either the cheaters would get sloppy, one or both would fall in love with the other, the marriage would implode, etc.

I just don't think a giant double life like that could exist in some compartment that didn't negatively affect the marriage and family. And even so....who wants to be the person who is capable of keeping up THAT charade for years. You'd have to have a conscience so damaged and a moral compass so screwed up, I don't wanna think about it.

I've heard it said that character is what you do when no one is looking.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

personofinterest said:


> This is imaginary. There is no way this would work long term. Either the cheaters would get sloppy, one or both would fall in love with the other, the marriage would implode, etc.
> 
> I just don't think a giant double life like that could exist in some compartment that didn't negatively affect the marriage and family. And even so....who wants to be the person who is capable of keeping up THAT charade for years. You'd have to have a conscience so damaged and a moral compass so screwed up, I don't wanna think about it.
> 
> I've heard it said that character is what you do when no one is looking.


Not to mention the fact that an asexual person should not be married. Why would someone do that. 

But like @personofinterest said, at some point it would blow up for some reason. Then you just have wasted time and wasted lives...


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

BluesPower said:


> Not to mention the fact that *an asexual person should not be married. Why would someone do that*.
> 
> But like @personofinterest said, at some point it would blow up for some reason. Then you just have wasted time and wasted lives...


Truth


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

personofinterest said:


> This is imaginary. *There is no way this would work long term*. Either the cheaters would get sloppy, one or both would fall in love with the other, the marriage would implode, etc.
> 
> I just don't think a giant double life like that could exist in some compartment that didn't negatively affect the marriage and family. And even so....who wants to be the person who is capable of keeping up THAT charade for years. You'd have to have a conscience so damaged and a moral compass so screwed up, I don't wanna think about it.
> 
> I've heard it said that character is what you do when no one is looking.


I know two couples where it *is* long term, but the difference is that the BOTH wives fell for the other's husband, and vice versa. All were friends to begin with. They decided to do a permanent swap to be with their sexual best match (one pair is HD, the other LD), but stay married to their original spouse for a variety of legal and financial reasons. That was more than 20 years ago, and they have maintained this arrangement ever since. I'm sure their adult kids suspect, but have never been told - and haven't asked. They maintain the fiction of their original marriages.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Spoons027, it is time for you to end the friendship with your "friend" and tell his wife that he is cheating.

Do you really want a friend like that? Move him to "acquaintance" status and tell him why.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Married but Happy said:


> personofinterest said:
> 
> 
> > This is imaginary. *There is no way this would work long term*. Either the cheaters would get sloppy, one or both would fall in love with the other, the marriage would implode, etc.
> ...


Ah, but in this scenario, all people in the relationships are in the know. What if one was completely unaware that they’re basically being swapped for a better sexual match?


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Araucaria said:


> Spoons027, it is time for you to end the friendship with your "friend" and tell his wife that he is cheating.
> 
> Do you really want a friend like that? Move him to "acquaintance" status and tell him why.


Don’t worry, we’re honestly not that close, anyway. So I guess we’re familiar acquaintances at best. Told him straight that he was being a dirtbag to his spouse, but you all know the affair fog, fantasy bubble, drug addiction, etc. Nothing will get through to him right now.

Unfortunately, I don’t know his wife too well either. Is there a way to tell her that won’t be easily intercepted?


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

There is no way you will be able to keep secret the fact that your told his wife. 

You have to decide if it is your job to tell her, since you know what is going on, or if you are going to let her find out another way. The longer the affair goes on, the more it will hurt her and any children involved. No one is going to get by unscathed.

If you decide to not tell her, and she eventually finds out that you knew but didn't tell her, she will have little to no regard for you. You will be justifiably "persona non grata." In cases like that, your keeping his dirty little secret for him moves you to the *"not be a friend of the marriage" camp, *so you can kiss your friendship goodbye anyway.

I'd rather lose a friendship for doing the right thing, than for doing the wrong thing.

If you are concerned about your anonymity, mail her a note and don't sign it. But you know he is going to lie, and say that someone who hates him is trying to ruin his life. 

A face-to-face conversation with her is the best way to do it. Meet her for coffee, and figure out a way to do it without her husband knowing. Tell her that you are planning a surprise party for him and that you don't want him to know, but you want her ideas and help planning.

What an awful situation. You need to choose better friends, or get a backbone and cut out bad ones that family members bring in.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Araucaria said:


> There is no way you will be able to keep secret the fact that your told his wife.
> 
> You have to decide if it is your job to tell her, since you know what is going on, or if you are going to let her find out another way. The longer the affair goes on, the more it will hurt her and any children involved. No one is going to get by unscathed.
> 
> ...


Don’t worry. I never told him I would tell his wife, just that he was a dirtbag for doing her dirty.

I fully intend to tell her though. The face to face convo would probably be the best bet, but there’s also the ‘shoot the messenger’ risk. But I guess all I can do is let her know. After that, it’s out of my hands on whether she believes me or not.

Any consequences between me and the familiar acquaintance I don’t really care about. Lost friendship? Fine by me. Wouldn’t miss someone like that.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I think that is the worst...I remember prior to knowing about his ea...thinking about times we had a disagreement not thinking too much about it and little knowing that for him it was fuel on the fire. It still burns me thinking about him turning to his ow for comfort while I was oblivious to it. As bad as it sounds a part of me thinks that he still deserves a taste of his own medicine because until it happens to you u truly cannot understand how it feels


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Spoons027 said:


> Let’s just say I just found out that this is the exact situation going on right now with a friend, and it’s giving me hard triggers. He thinks it’s perfectly ok to keep his spouse in the dark while he’s off fooling around with a coworker, and somehow, for some reason, he chose me to confide this in.
> 
> I just can’t escape this crap. It’s all around me.


Expose him


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## Zodiac (Dec 7, 2018)

Expose him or help save a marriage, it may be quite the healing moment for you. Why would you want someone to go through that? I've also know that going through my own process I've already moved/cut out certain friends who still want to party. I'm removing the enablers. You can't heal around certain people. This in my mind is some sort of way to gain acceptance for his act, does he know your journey? is he seeking wisdom in some way?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Spoons027 said:


> Bad enough to be cheated on and lied to, but to be left in the dark not knowing your spouse is/was living a double life and still pining away for someone else even after the affair may have ended while also continuing to string you along is already beyond insulting and disrespectful.
> 
> Mind helping me understand this? If there are examples where ignorance is truly bliss, I’d like to know.


It could be as simple as the cheating spouse realizing they made a mistake, they should have never cheated on you and hoping to spare you the pain as they spend the rest of their life trying to be the person you deserve.

Not saying it's common, cheaters are usually selfish, but it's possible.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Spoons027 said:


> Let’s just say I just found out that this is the exact situation going on right now with a friend, and it’s giving me hard triggers. He thinks it’s perfectly ok to keep his spouse in the dark while he’s off fooling around with a coworker, and somehow, for some reason, he chose me to confide this in.
> 
> I just can’t escape this crap. It’s all around me.


But in this situation, he's NOT remorseful and thus doesn't deserve any good will. If he's someone you care about a lot, otherwise respect, you might give him one hour to tell his wife the truth, do the right thing, so that there's a tiny chance of saving the marriage, before you tell her. But if he's just some friend, screw him, he deserves to be ratted out on.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Zodiac said:


> Expose him or help save a marriage, it may be quite the healing moment for you. Why would you want someone to go through that? I've also know that going through my own process I've already moved/cut out certain friends who still want to party. I'm removing the enablers. You can't heal around certain people. This in my mind is some sort of way to gain acceptance for his act, does he know your journey? is he seeking wisdom in some way?


He knows about my divorce and the general gist of the driving factor. But I didn’t tell everyone the details, just the few I could truly trust.

Didn’t seem like he was asking for wisdom, just someone to dump it on, and he’s still doing it anyway, so a “come to Jesus” moment is out of the question.

Like I said before though, I’m in the process of setting up a meeting with his spouse and telling her what’s going on. Whether she believes me or not is something I can’t help.


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