# The script is always the same



## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

It's really amazing that no matter how many hundreds or thousands of these stories we read on here the script always seems to be the same. 

1) Suspicion of another man or women in the relationship.

2) Confrontation without any real proof

3) Denial and then trickle truth

4) Betrayed party left hurt and scrambling for answers that aren't going to come. 

5) Limbo

As hard as it might be the lesson is that you need to be sure to get as much evidence as possible before confrontation. They can't do much if the BS bullets are taken out of their gun from the get go.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Knowledge is power.

As betrayed spouse we are so many step behind from were are waywards are. So its so important to get caught up by gathering additioanal evidence.

Waywards are so far a head with there lies and deciet that it takes some real colvert actions to get caught up to the affair. So when you we do confront we are atleast on a even playing field...if not even one step a head by willing to let them go before confronting.


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

Absolutely gather your evidence before you confront. They will lie and gaslight and only cop to what they think you know. 

People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. So if your spouse won't be willingly transparent with you -- passwords, cellphone records, GPS, whatever -- you have a problem. And the problem isn't your jealousy issue, it's that they're behaving in some shady, neglectful way. 

Anyone who cares about you, would want to assuage your fears. In my experience defensiveness and anger = guilt.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

My situation is probably unique.

My wife told me she was going to have an affair, with a former lover, but would come back to me.

And that's how it happened. 

It sounds so simple, written like that. But the pain was something I would not wish on anyone.

I'd had heartbreaks before. But none like that. 

So there were no lies, no gaslighting, no need for VARS or evidence gathering...

But we are still together, so any recovery might be possible if both sides want it badly enough.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

Also, would like to add. If the OM or OW has a significant other it's essential along the way to have some kind of discussion with them. It's amazing what information they might know that you don't or vice verse. Chances are they are in the same position as you are. Of course there's always the chance of an adverse reaction but if you have done your homework and have evidence they're only fooling and hurting themselves if they ignore you.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Large amounts of proof are only necessary if you are thinking about a prolonged fight to bring your partner out of the fog. If you already have enough to know that cheating is ongoing and just plan to dump her/him, then its futile. Even because in most western states there is a "no blame" thing going on. It doesn't matter if there was cheating or not for the courts.


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## KremerOtha (Aug 7, 2012)

Absolutely gather your evidence before you confront


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## Vegemite (Apr 12, 2012)

MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 said:


> 1) Suspicion of another man or women in the relationship.
> 
> 2) Confrontation without any real proof
> 
> ...


It's so sad that this list is very accurate for the majority of affairs. I was informed about my CW's affair, but wasn't shocked. I new POSOM was lurking, but was stunned that she did it.

The rest of that list is bang on to my story and so many on CWI. 

I used to think that most people in society were good souls and there were a small minority of bad. But from everything I've learnt in the last 2 years since Dday, that is far from the case. I've learnt about peoples personalities and why they do what they do. I don't know what recent stats on infidelity in marriage are, but they must be high. Just so many a$$holes in this world.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

You get one shot at it.

Make it count and know what the eff you're walking into once that bell rings! Be prepared with as much evidence as you can get.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

The problems with waiting, gathering, waiting, gathering and putting up with obvious unfaithfulness waiting to catch a smoking gun are a few :

1) The relationship might be the early stages of an EA ( most common type of affair ). The sooner you inertvene the better here. Time is not on your side.

2) Too often IMO the BS has a ton of evidence. They are in denial and no matter what they have as evidence os just never enough to confront.

3) If this is very drawn out you can cross over into the enabling zone.

4) I think it is counter productive to put up with inappropriate / unfaithful behavior to gather evidence of full blown cheating. In other words if the wife is going out clubbing every week you have already waited too long. If she is hanging out at another mans house you have already waited too long. If your boundary is penetration then I guess you have to get that evidence. But if your boundary is disrespect / unfaithfulness you do not need so much evidence. Do you? I don't. 

So I am not disagreeing but would just say that one should do all that they can as rapidly as they can to gather the evidence they need. But do not draw this out unless you are gathering the evidence for a legal battle. You may be able to stop an early EA. You may be able to man-up and show you have boundaries and get things turned around. or you may just have enough to tell your spouse you do not accept the disrespect.

I get that the goal s to minimize the gaslighting and an affair going underground. But there is something to be said to beiong proactive. Just my view.

I see so many of these threads where the BS was way too ok with things early on which enabled the further behavior IMO.


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## Ansley (Apr 5, 2010)

MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 said:


> It's really amazing that no matter how many hundreds or thousands of these stories we read on here the script always seems to be the same.
> 
> 1) Suspicion of another man or women in the relationship.
> 
> ...



You forgot Facebook & texts....havent seen one yet that didnt involve texts or facebook messages


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

chumplady said:


> Absolutely gather your evidence before you confront.
> 
> Anyone who cares about you, would want to assuage your fears. In my experience defensiveness and anger = guilt.


I remember very clearly the evening I first confronted. All the signs were there, she had become distant, lost weight and toned up at the gym for months, new sexy cloths, a standing girls night out, very little interest in sex, and finally... 

I confronted with zero hard proof, only the gut feeling. 

In retrospect, she did nothing to "assuage my fears". Did she open up her emails, cell phone? Did she phone or text me where she was? Did she do anything to show me that she was faithful? 

NO. All I got was "you got to be kidding, right? I would never cheat on you." end of story.

Like we have said a 1000 times here. Ignore the words, watch the actions. 

As a side note...

When I confronted with no hard proof and was blame-shifted, whipped up and turned around, I began to think maybe I was the "crazy one". In a subtle way she turned my teen-age children against me. I was blamed for everything wrong. She aligned herself with the kids and they all would keep secrets from me. I became the "bad guy" for drawing the line on what was right or wrong. 

In retrospect, she could not be the parent when in fact she was acting like a selfish child herself cheating behind my back. Confusing rationalizations in the mind of cheater.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

I wonder how many suspected EAs ended up being "nothing to worry about". 
Once I found out my wife went to lunch with another dude, a guy I had questioned her about before, with his "sweeties" and his obvious attempts at garnering her attention. Well, it worked. 
She and her toxic friends talked a little bit about it and decided it was best to go "see if anything was there". THATs the kind of advice from friends, and you know, if you think about it you can probably name one or two in your own life that you suspect would offer that kind of b.s., as opposed to saying "Go work on your marriage".

I think after years of hearing her and her girlfriends talk about other men, while our life together was fking dead hollow, that finding out she was actually seeing someone else was a door opening that I couldnt wait to run thru.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

I followed it to an absolute T. Pretty comical, looking back. And I did absolutely everything wrong, most of it before I came here. The reason the BS follows the script is that they have no idea what they are up against. Something's not right, but it couldn't be an affair. Right? Who has affairs? It is the BS who has never suspected infidelity who follows the script.

Now, knowing what we know, it's painfully obvious and we see it repeated in every noob who wanders into this place throwing out their story, then waiting for someone to assure them “No dude, doesn’t sound like an affair.” Then they hang around, a little uncertain, expecting someone on this board to advise “Your spouse is right; you are in fact a little paranoid and delusional.” Maybe add for good measure “And your paranoia and clingy neuroticism are going to drive your spouse nuts. Knock it off before you destroy the marriage with it. Calm down, let it go, and count yourself lucky. Sounds like maybe you have drifted apart, and you need to work on that.” But that’s not what happens. Agree on the Facebook, texts, phone calls. Textbook stuff.

So the question seems to be, how to reach the unsuspecting BS who knows things have gotten weird, but whose mind is not yet wired to recognize affair behavior.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

KremerOtha said:


> Absolutely gather your evidence before you confront











Always a good idea!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

wiigirl said:


> Always a good idea!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Absolutely. But this advice usually does not reach the people who need. They know something is not right, but not what, so they follow the script.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

The text messages and Facebook have caused more marriage problems than most other things. I do agree though that a lot of people go into denial and fail to act to any degree. I trusted my gut instinct and smashed the early stages of an EA to bits. I never ever put a hand on my wife but the worst thing I did during this period was toss a large cup of water in her face.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> The text messages and Facebook have caused more marriage problems than most other things.


More like it they just serve as proof as before it was much harder to get it.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

costa200 said:


> More like it they just serve as proof as before it was much harder to get it.


Sure but depends on which side of the coin you're looking at. At the start they're tools that make things much easier for the wayward.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 said:


> Sure but depends on which side of the coin you're looking at. At the start they're tools that make things much easier for the wayward.


No doubt. They provide an immediate, private, intimate, and informal medium of interaction. Hazardous stuff.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Shooboomafoo said:


> I wonder how many suspected EAs ended up being "nothing to worry about".
> Once I found out my wife went to lunch with another dude, a guy I had questioned her about before, with his "sweeties" and his obvious attempts at garnering her attention. Well, it worked.
> She and her toxic friends talked a little bit about it and decided it was best to go "see if anything was there". THATs the kind of advice from friends, and you know, if you think about it you can probably name one or two in your own life that you suspect would offer that kind of b.s., as opposed to saying "Go work on your marriage".
> 
> I think after years of hearing her and her girlfriends talk about other men, while our life together was fking dead hollow, that finding out she was actually seeing someone else was a door opening that I couldnt wait to run thru.


How many EAs go undiscovered? How many friendships / affairs occur and just drain the life out of a marriage without ever being recognized as the root cause of the marriage failure. How much unfaithfulness occurs by one spouse that blames the other where the BS just accepts that they were the problem. 

How often do we see folks either say they are compelled to be ok with certain behaviors, activities or relationships because they say maybe it is all innocent. I did not have enough proof that they were cheating. Yet they are uncomfortable with it because deep down they know it is unfaithful in itself. They fail to protect their marriage because they have no proof to act on what they already know.

Think about it. Cheaters do not want confrontation without full evidence. This means that they are free to be unfaithful as long as they can keep the smoking gun a reasonable doubt. If we are talking a court of law that is one thing but in most cases the law does not care.


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