# Why is it so hard? Going through separation



## blindtoitall (Feb 4, 2012)

Hi all I'm new to this site just wanted some opinions. I have separated from my husband as when I was pregnant with our 3rd child, I found out he was having an affair with a girl from his work. It torn me apart, I ended up with post natal depression, lost 25kg within a couple of weeks. I was a mess. He was never there for me or our other daughters, He had moved in with my sister and her husband... little did I know he was messing around with them. My ex also is an alcoholic, we got into a few physical domestics, one in which he broke my collar bone which required surgery. He was stabbed, nearlly died due to this "girl" he was having the affair with, by her new Boyfriend? He has now lost his license for drink driving for 17months and he now wants me back??? The weird thing is I have know him for 20 yrs and had been together for 13, I still love him, but dont understand why he did it to me, I would never do anything like that to him. Having to go to solicitor next week regardding the sale of our family home, just having real trouble coping as I dont have any family of my own either. Thanks for listening any suggestions advice appreciated.


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## Ms_Limbo (Feb 2, 2012)

I'm normally the first person to say to try and make your marriage work... however, not when there is physical or emotional abuse. I'm a stranger looking in on only a few details of your life but I am strongly against abuse. 

It sounds like your decision to leave him was the best decision you could make. You don't deserve to be with someone who could hurt you in any way like that. You owe it to your children to leave and seek a better life. They don't need to see momma upset and hurt and don't need to be in that environment anyhow. If not already, I would seek counseling for yourself, maybe even for your children, to get help through this time of need and detach completely from that life. You're right, if he truly loved you then he would not be able to hurt you the way that he has. You are his wife, the mother of his children and he cannot even respect you as a person if he is going to abuse you and cheat on you. I don't say this to upset you, I want you empowered with the knowledge that you deserve better and that there is someone out there who would treat you the way you were meant to be treated. 
His actions were not your fault, you cannot be blamed in any way. He needs help for several different reasons and without that help I cannot see him ever changing. As I said before, you deserve to be happy and owe it to yourself and your children to have a better life than that. 
I love my husband and currently going through a separation myself. Should my situation turn to divorce, it will be hard. Unbearably so but at the same time I know I will be OK. Your husband does not control how you should feel and think about yourself. Only you do. Do not give him that power, he doesn't deserve it.


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## SilverPanther (Feb 2, 2012)

It is so so hard to love someone who doesn't love you. I'm in the same boat there. Based on everything you have said, you def have done the right thing separating from this guy. He sounds extremely selfish and uncaring. This doesn't mean you don't care for him, but you also need to take care of yourself and your kids, and keep all of you safe.

I don't have a lot of advice for how to cope, as I am trying to figure that out for myself right now. But hang in there.


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## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

I know that you are hurting, you are confused and afraid. Not having family to help makes things even worse. Do you have any friends that you can trust and depend on? Your husband having an alcohol problem is key. You must not allow him to hurt you or your children any longer. His not having the ability to drive anymore is not your problem, but if you allow him to come back it will be a problem for you. I understand that you love him but the safety of you and your children need to come first. I know that it is very hard to seperate your love for him to keep you and your children safe but I feel that you should make safety your #1 priority. 
Can you apply for any public assistance that may be able to help you get out of danger from your husband? If you can't afford to make it on your own I encourage you to look into any church, community or public assistance programs that may be able to provide some help to you.


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