# Should i be done?



## Hurtingme23 (May 9, 2021)

Null


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Sorry you are in this situation.
FIRST, take him off any accounts that have your money.
Second, if he can ride a motorcycle, then he can work. 
I would talk to a few lawyers to get information about getting away from this deadbeat.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

What is his disability and why can't he do some sort of work?
To be honest he sounds emotionally abusive.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You’ll just get more of this. It wont get better.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Hurtingme23 said:


> I'm at a loss. Married 12 years. Constant Rollercoaster. I work full time. Husband is disabled and doesn't work. He has decided that he's gonna buy a Motorcycle. I have told him it's a poor financial decision considering we live pay check to pay check and if extra expenses come up we have to borrow money. I have been upset about it as this is the 4th time he has done something like this since he became unable to work 5 years ago. He literally does not care how I feel. I cried and begged him not to continue to ruin us financially and also that if he chooses to do this anyway that he's choosing this toy over us. He still does not care. He's doing it anyway and already has started the process of getting a loan and has selected a bike to purchase. Mind you, this is the 4th times he's done something like this and it's always been a struggle and heartache. He does not have his self together, he also has a pill problem that he does not think he needs help for but he can't stop taking too many. When he does not get his way, he lashes out at me and says hurtful things and tells me things like you're such a B, or go to hell, and has even told me that I'm the problem. I don't know what to do. I'm stressed and anxious these days and I'm sad at the same time I don't have string family support and don't know what to do. I feel so hurt and alone. Any advicd?


Answering the question, he obviously does not care. Is his "disability" physical or mental? What attracted you to him in the first place? Wouldn't think a guy who wouldn't/couldn't support a family would be attractive to a female, but they often are.

Since you make the gold, seems to me you ought to have some say in how it is spent, and a motorcycle is far from an essential. If this has been going on for a dozen years, it isn't likely to change.

IMHO quick divorce, and choose more wisely next time.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

How can he get a loan if he doesn't work?


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

How can he ride a motorbike if he’s disabled?

How does it work where you’re from, I don’t understand how it’s legal for a disabled person to get a motorbike licence? Doesn’t the disability need to be disclosed, or at least for insurance purposes?


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

I'm going to be honest. I think your husband may have an addiction problem. He seems to be very impulsive, replacing one addiction with another. He is probably mentally very immature. You can bring a horse to water, but unfortunately we can't force them to drink. If he is not willing to accept help, or acknowledge that he needs help, I'm not so sure there's much you can do. I don't know how he would respond to therapy, but my guess is he thinks he doesn't need it. 

In your position, I might see a lawyer to protect any assets, and to ensure you are not held accountable for the motorcycle payments in the event that he can't pay (which I can totally see happening).


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## Hurtingme23 (May 9, 2021)

He gets a disability check which is how he has some income. The place he gets loans from is very lenient. His disability is both physical and mental.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Hurtingme23 said:


> His disability is both physical and mental.


But he can still ride a (motor)bike?


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Hurtingme23 said:


> His disability is both physical and mental.


We can't help without complete information. What is the nature of his disability? How old are you two? Do you have kids?

The advice you will receive depends on the information you provide.


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## Hurtingme23 (May 9, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> What is his disability and why can't he do some sort of work?
> To be honest he sounds emotionally abusive.


His disability is a combo of physical and mental. Emotional abuse?


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## Hurtingme23 (May 9, 2021)

Sfort said:


> We can't help without complete information. What is the nature of his disability? How old are you two? Do you have kids?
> 
> The advice you will receive depends on the information you provide.


No kids. Disability is mostly mental but does have a physical disability as well. He is 36, I am 38..


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Hurtingme23 said:


> No kids. Disability is mostly mental but does have a physical disability as well. He is 36, I am 38..


I will ask for the third and last time while questioning your hesitancy to be forthcoming. What is the nature of his physical disability?


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## Hurtingme23 (May 9, 2021)

Sfort said:


> I will ask for the third and last time while questioning your hesitancy to be forthcoming. What is the nature of his physical disability?


He has a condition called eagles syndrome. Calcified ligament in his neck.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Hurtingme23 said:


> No kids. Disability is mostly mental but does have a physical disability as well. He is 36, I am 38..


What attracted you to him? Why did you marry him? Did he have mental issues/disability when you married him? Are they military service related? What are the pills for?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

This is how your life will go if you stay. He’s going to do what he wants to do.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

So, yes, you should be done IMO.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Hurtingme23 said:


> He has a condition called eagles syndrome. Calcified ligament in his neck.


"The mainstay treatment for Eagle syndrome is surgery to shorten the styloid process (styloidectomy).[3] Medical management may include the use of pain and anti-inflammatory medications, antidepressants, and/or steroids.[1][3] The overall success rate for treatment (medical or surgical) is about 80%.[1]"

Has he had the surgery? Is he a candidate for it?

Sorry, but if he can ride a motorcycle, he should not be on disability for Eagle's Syndrome. I know a guy who has arthritis in his joints so badly that he can't move his arms or legs. Yet, he sits in front of a computer all day doing real estate sales.

Your guy is a dead beat.


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## Hurtingme23 (May 9, 2021)

Sfort said:


> "The mainstay treatment for Eagle syndrome is surgery to shorten the styloid process (styloidectomy).[3] Medical management may include the use of pain and anti-inflammatory medications, antidepressants, and/or steroids.[1][3] The overall success rate for treatment (medical or surgical) is about 80%.[1]"
> 
> Has he had the surgery? Is he a candidate for it?
> 
> ...


Reminder, his disability is mainly due to mental health problems which he's been admitted to mental health institutions more than once. He cannot hold a steady job due to his instability.


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## Hurtingme23 (May 9, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> What attracted you to him? Why did you marry him? Did he have mental issues/disability when you married him? Are they military service related? What are the pills for?
> He was great and loving and all that...then when we got married instant flip of the switch. He became controlling and hateful. It was like night and day. He did not have a disability or mental health issues when we married that I was aware of. Not military related at all. The pills ate for chronic pain from his neck issue but he abuses them.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Hurtingme23 said:


> Reminder, his disability is mainly due to mental health problems which he's been admitted to mental health institutions more than once. He cannot hold a steady job due to his instability.


I'm not trying to be unkind, but if he has mental issues that prevent him from working, how is he safe behind the wheel of a motor vehicle, particularly a motorcycle? I'm asking from a position of personal knowledge.


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## Hurtingme23 (May 9, 2021)

Sfort said:


> I'm not trying to be unkind, but if he has mental issues that prevent him from working, how is he safe behind the wheel of a motor vehicle, particularly a motorcycle? I'm asking from a position of personal knowledge.


Oh I agree with you. He is doing what he wants against my better judgment.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

You came here with a very specific question: "Should I be done?"

Here is a very specific answer: "Yes"


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## Hurtingme23 (May 9, 2021)

I just discovered that the bank is using my income info from another loan that I have with them to help get his loan. They say I don't have to sign on his loan but they are just using my info for household income purposes. What the!!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Hurtingme23 said:


> I just discovered that the bank is using my income info from another loan that I have with them to help get his loan. They say I don't have to sign on his loan but they are just using my info for household income purposes. What the!!


Tell tell them to stop it.That it's not for you and you don't approve it.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Hurtingme23 said:


> Reminder, his disability is mainly due to mental health problems which he's been admitted to mental health institutions more than once. He cannot hold a steady job due to his instability.


With all due respect...

Why are his mental health problems yours?

He gives back little to nothing to your marriage.

Stop being his banker, his nurse, his maid, cook, and sex partner.

Why?

He does not deserve it.

Loyalty and kindness must run two ways.

I get it, he is in pain, he takes meds to deaden himself. Then he cannot work.

This is sad, sadly your problem, too.

It does not have to be this way.

Move out, divorce, begin a new life without Mr Crabass!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Hurtingme23 said:


> I just discovered that the bank is using my income info from another loan that I have with them to help get his loan. They say I don't have to sign on his loan but they are just using my info for household income purposes. What the!!


You were unaware that when married, his debts are yours and yours are his?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

This is what your life will be as long as you are with him.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

He is dead weight. No kids.... this is an easy one. Your still young enough 👍


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Hurtingme23 said:


> I'm at a loss. Married 12 years. Constant Rollercoaster. I work full time. Husband is disabled and doesn't work. He has decided that he's gonna buy a Motorcycle. I have told him it's a poor financial decision considering we live pay check to pay check and if extra expenses come up we have to borrow money. I have been upset about it as this is the 4th time he has done something like this since he became unable to work 5 years ago. He literally does not care how I feel. I cried and begged him not to continue to ruin us financially and also that if he chooses to do this anyway that he's choosing this toy over us. He still does not care. He's doing it anyway and already has started the process of getting a loan and has selected a bike to purchase. Mind you, this is the 4th times he's done something like this and it's always been a struggle and heartache. He does not have his self together, he also has a pill problem that he does not think he needs help for but he can't stop taking too many. When he does not get his way, he lashes out at me and says hurtful things and tells me things like you're such a B, or go to hell, and has even told me that I'm the problem. I don't know what to do. I'm stressed and anxious these days and I'm sad at the same time I don't have string family support and don't know what to do. I feel so hurt and alone. Any advicd?


My advice for you is this: head for the hills.

I'm sorry that you're going through this after 12 years of marriage; that really sucks. Is there absolutely nothing that he can do to bring money in? Like, even do computer work from home? Is he physically disabled? And if so, how would he be able to ride a motorcycle? Personally, I would say that if you're the sole breadwinner in the household, you get way more say on how money is spent. It sounds like your H is a immature boy who wants what he wants, and he'll stop at nothing to get it. Personally, I would be at the end of my rope, and would start squirreling money away for yourself, and then I would be done with him and his abuse. Yes, abuse. He doesn't think about your financial situation, it sounds like he doesn't care all that much.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Some of us will be unlucky to suffer illnesses or painful conditions, or mental health issues and the other spouse will pull the weight for us. That’s life.

BUT - there’s a responsibility not to spend or endanger ourselves or our families.

My husband and I both had conditions at some point that prevented us working or even being able to contribute to chores and raising kids temporarily. But we looked after ourselves, listened to our doctors and didn’t take out loans, spend or put our bodies in further danger. Eg I loved gym and lifting weights - doctor said no more, so I listened.

So your husband is really not listening to anyone. Yeah it’s devastating being told your body is incapable of doing certain things for ever. Find another hobby or whatever, to help ease that pain. There are other things he can do to manage his days. Motorbike and spending money you don’t have is not ok.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

From a financial standpoint a purchase of a motorcycle is suicidal. 1.) Expensive asset that is not needed if you are living check to check. 2.) Corollary expenses: You say he is disabled? That will incur a premium on insurance (YOU CANNOT OPERATE THIS VEHICLE WITHOUT INSURANCE) 3.) Is his disability cognitive in nature? I do not know this man, but disabled, living pay to pay, and wanting an item that is counter-intuitive to your lifestyle sounds to me as if he is not completely capable of making rational decisions. For these three reasons, this purchase should not be made.


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