# No longer a doormat



## Allcriedoutoveryou (Sep 17, 2012)

I left my H after a history of verbal abuse occasionally coupled with his affairs. I moved out hoping some space would do us good so we can work on our marriage. Well he found a new freedom to do whatever he wants and still have me when he wants. He has been hot and cold often and has been seeing one if not more other woman during this time. For the last 8 month I've been a semi doormat. Telling him i love him, buying gifts, showing up when he asked me to, having sex etc. Nothing has been filed for legal separation or divorce presently. I have just decided to go No Contact unless it's about our kids. I think this could be called the 180. Has anyone had success with just doing the opposite things of what they had been doing? Did it backfire and he just totally disappear? Is this the right thing to do?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I'm confused, you want this man back??


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## Allcriedoutoveryou (Sep 17, 2012)

Yes I do.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

I'm in exactly the same boat as you. We've been married 12 yrs and he walked out last year, came back after 3 mths (I still love you, want to work on our marriage, etc). I did everything he asked: went to marriage counselling, told him I loved him, was affectionate, listened to him, the whole kabang. I really tried to turn things around.

The entire time he's having EA's behind my back. A secret life. LEaving the house not telling us where he is going and staying out all night. Secret phone calls and texts, locked computer and phone. I tried to talk to him about it and got screamed at and told "its none of your business". Then the real verbal abuse started. Name calling, character attcks, rages when I tried to talk to him about our relationship. I couldn't take any more so I kicked him out 10 wks ago. 

Since I kicked him out I've discovered he's seeing other women (I think they are now sexual encounters) and he's on dating sites looking to hookup with more women.

I'm disgusted beyond belief, we too have not filed anything but I think I'm done. This is not going anywhere and his behaviour is increasingly disturbing. He's been diagnosed with major depression and also Borderline Personality Disorder. There is NOTHING I can do that will make an ounce of difference when dealing with someone with these conditions. 

The marriage therapist and my IC tells me to get a good lawyer and file fast. They tell me get away from him. Forget about him. He's so messed up I need to run not walk away from this marriage.

The 180 is hard to do but I've just implemented it and now he's gone super aggressive towards me. I only contact him (by text only) to discuss our child and now he won't even return my texts.

I know people say "you want him back?" and by all means these men don't deserve to be taken back. But it's still a marriage that's breaking up and its not easy to let go even if they are treating us so badly. I'm ready to let go. 

Try the 180 and see how he responds.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

3Xacharm said:


> I'm confused, you want this man back??


It's because she's been brainwashed by an abusive spouse. Brainwashed may not be the kindest way to put it but it really is what's happening. He's cycling through mean and sweet in order to keep her in the fog. Every time he pushes her too far away he turns sweet in order to get her to come back. Essentially he's showing her bits and pieces of the honeymoon stage but only until he can shed his falsified image and go back to comfortable drinking and abusing her.


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## Daisy82 (Sep 4, 2012)

The desire to have to family, life and marriage that you've dreamed of with this man is very hard to let go! You see that he doesn't treat you right and yet you still want "him" back. IMO it's not him you want but for your dream of happy ever after. I'm thinking of you and hope that you are able to build a new dream for yourself and your children that doesn't involve being a doormat or to be at the mercy of a man who chooses to walk out on you repeatedly (affairs). 

I have this same hope for myself!


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