# Cheating spouses: I need advice plz



## Praying4Miracle (Nov 14, 2012)

I just found this board so please forgive me if I don't know all the abreviations or if I'm repeating anything already said. But I've been reading a few threads seeing betrayers who aren't sure what to do to fix their marriages. I'm going to be very straight because my own husband's inability to do this has frustrated the heck out of me. He started an affair with his young assistant two years ago. I caught on immediately because his behaviour just bacame so bizarre and out of the ordinary. At that point we'd been together 9 years, married 4 years with an almost one year old and an almost three year old. At first he adamantly denied anything was going on but treated me horribly mean and cut me off of any kind of sexual or emotional intimacy. Cold turkey. I tried to hang in there but a few months later I gave him an ultimatum. Her or us. He called me crazy, that there was no affair but that we'd been fighting so much that he thought a period of separation would do us well. And he split. When I showed him the evidence I had of them being together he stopped denying it and then started telling me that I was just an ungrateful wife who treated him so badly, etc etc. A tired wife, with a full time career and an hour long commute each way to work who was left with the drop off and pick ups at daycare and then caring for my kids all night alone and being alone becuase my husband was out drinking with his colleagues and assistant made me mad and bitter as hell. But I was not a bad wife. I love that man with every fiber of my being. I digress....

Don't ask me exactly how or why but he ended up coming back home almost 6 months later. We did counseling and I committed to being the best wife there ever could be. I poured myself into reading about marriage, learning how to be more affirming, respectful, etc. etc. He didn't really do much except go to counseling and act like he was doing everything to make up for it and then coming home and doing nothing. 

I find out 6 months later, HE CAME HOME BUT NEVER STOPPED SEEING HER. When I discovered this I told him she either gets fired from the firm or we're done. He had her fired. 

Almost 6 months later, guess what...? THEY ARE STILL TOGETHER! Really? This man has you fired from the only real job you've ever had, you can't find work and you're back with him? And he's home with his family? She didn't need to be with him for financial reasons or anything bc he couldn't afford to support her and she lived at home with her mother anyway. I just don't get it. At that point I told him we were done. Over. I tried. I was over it. He BEGGED me to give him another chance. Said that he promised this time he'd have no communication with her. That he knew he didn't deserve another chance but one more chance was all he was asking for. I actually got her to finally answer my texts and we shared information. She even asked me if I would meet her in person so she could give me her side of the story and show me it wasn't her persuing him but the other way around. I agreed. He begged me not to go meet with her. Told me what I'd hear would kill any chance of us every rebuiling. But I had to do it and I did.

So now it's been almost 6 months since I had lunch with her and got her side of the story. She claimed she wanted nothing more to do with him. But I found out again she was emailing him asking to meet her because she needed to ask him some questions to get closure. 

So here we are now. Six months from the last d-day. We get along great but he has no interest in sex. He told me in a conversation the other day that the thought of having sex with me is "unappealing" to him and that I could benefit greatly from watching porn. He said that he's attracted to me bc but I'm boring in bed. Our sex life is so routine. I told him I'm open to fixing that but it takes two (I've never known him to be adventurous or tell me he would like to try new things...I've even asked him in the past). That hurt deeply because I'd never say "no" to him. he's my husband and our sex life is very important to me but he can't penalize me for something I'm unaware of. I haven't had much sexual experience before him so I can understand not bringing the skills in the bedroom that chick obviously did (I hear she's been around). Then in a subsequent conversation he tells me he loves me and cares deeply for me. It makes him angry at himself that he's done this to me.

Here's what I don't get. If you love your spouse and your daughters and it's clear the other woman was out to destroy your marriage (that for whatever reason, you wanted to save) by inviting your wife to lunch to show her emails, texts, cards, etc. from her husband....why is it so hard to get your head back in the game? We've had no sex in months (not bc of my unwillingness), he doesn't take any of the advice the counselors have given us (essentially just doing nothing to work on repairing the deep damage he has caused our marriage and me) while I do everything in my power (affirm him, cater to his needs, don't nag, serve him, respect him, etc etc.). He said the other day that I've been a "saint". So what?

I've spelled it out for him. You want a better marriage than ever? You want to forget about these past two years that have been so damaging to us? 
1. be HONEST about everything. I deserve that
2. be TRANSPARENT about everything in your life going forward (whereabouts, work relationships, etc.)
3. SHOW ME this really means something to you by humbling yourself and working to rebuild trust at whatever cost.

My point in this post is to ask betrayers what I should do about my current situation and to make clear to the betrayers who genuinely want to fix their marriages and make up for what they've done, what they need to do (see my list above).

Thanks!


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Start here, will help you...
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html


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## Praying4Miracle (Nov 14, 2012)

Thanks


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## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

I'm sorry you are here and I'm sorry you had to endure two years of his cheating. 

Your first issue was that you committed to being the best wife possible while he did nothing to change. You are not the one who should be doing the heavy lifting. That's his job. He needs to repair the damage he caused. You did not cause him to cheat. 

Start working on yourself.... I'd suggest doing a hard 180. It sounds like you have made all the concessions and he's made zero. You are Not the problem here. He cheated, those were is choices. Now he has to pay the price.

It sounds like your husband is not truly remorseful. He sounds like a child who was made to give up his toy (AP) before he was done playing with it. IMO

Added: for starters, he needs to write a no contact letter and you need to expose to everyone.


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## Praying4Miracle (Nov 14, 2012)

Thanks Silverlining. I do agree with you wholeheartedly. I know in my heart and my gutt that the burden is his but clearly it seems he's not all that interested in the hard work. I did expose the affair once we separated. That didn't really seem to do anything. His parents actually facilitated the affair by allowing him to live in a rental property they own and where he was having sex with her before I made him choose. His parents knew about the affair a month in (before I had even confirmed it) and instead of kicking his butt (if not for me, for their granddaughters), they instead give him the keys to the rental property. What I'm dealing with involves way more than just an affair 

As for no contact, he has text her and called her infront of me saying "it's over, do not contact me, allow me to fix my marriage" and yet has subsequently contacted her and told her he didn't really mean it, I made him do it. So at this point, even a no contact letter won't give me any certainty.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

How did you fare during his months long absense?

IMO he isn't comitted in any way shape or form to you or your marriage. It sounds more like he and his gf are having a spat so he's 'home' but still faithful to her. 

You are wasting money on couples counseling. Your in-laws agree with his life style and really you do to by your ACTIONS. 

Cut him lose. He can see the kids but not you. Detach from him. He doesn't come back unless he knee-walks to you with receipts fot ic in one hand and a letter of explanation &apology in the other.

You can do it. Its the only way.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

Praying4Miracle said:


> Thanks Silverlining. I do agree with you wholeheartedly. I know in my heart and my gutt that the burden is his but clearly it seems he's not all that interested in the hard work. I did expose the affair once we separated. That didn't really seem to do anything. His parents actually facilitated the affair by allowing him to live in a rental property they own and where he was having sex with her before I made him choose. His parents knew about the affair a month in (before I had even confirmed it) and instead of kicking his butt (if not for me, for their granddaughters), they instead give him the keys to the rental property. What I'm dealing with involves way more than just an affair
> 
> As for no contact, he has text her and called her infront of me saying "it's over, do not contact me, allow me to fix my marriage" and yet has subsequently contacted her and told her he didn't really mean it, I made him do it. So at this point, even a no contact letter won't give me any certainty.


Can he afford a divorce? 

If not, this may be the reason he lies about no contact. 

His lack of interest in sex in not a good thing. 

It may mean many things. It could mean he loves her and having sex with you makes him feel as if he is betraying the other woman. It could also mean that he sees you as a wife but not a lover, and although he still loves you, he can't get excited about sex with the mother of his children.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Walkonmars...does this story remind you of anyone else you know? LOL


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## Praying4Miracle (Nov 14, 2012)

I dunno... He invested $11K in remodeling our kitchen a month ago. Why would he do that?


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Praying4Miracle said:


> I dunno... He invested $11K in remodeling our kitchen a month ago. Why would he do that?


I PM'ed you! 

When my husband came home he was always trying to do things around the house that he could care less about before. He would but landscaping things and try to fix things up. (not to the tune of $11,000 though..lol)

The similarities in our stories are scary.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> Walkonmars...does this story remind you of anyone else you know? LOL


Tell'er 'bout it!

Unfortunately you both are in a sisterhood - I bet she too can see very clearly what others should do (yeah like a lot of us too) but acting on the homefront induces myopia and paralysis.


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## Praying4Miracle (Nov 14, 2012)

Thanks LetDownTX. I'm so new at this. Where do I find my PM?

Sometimes I think that because he's a good man deep down inside (even if right now...it's really down there) he does feel guilt over being such a shmuck. Especially bc of our daughters. And maybe investing that money is his way of convincing himself here is where he wants to be even if his heart is still torn over her. Sucks to have to even think that but I'm a realistic person. 

I met her. She's prettier in pictures than she was in person. Although she wore her sunglasses throughout the entire lunch (we sat outside but it was not sunny). Weird huh? Anyway, she didn't seem too bright either. Knowing him for 12 years the only thing I could see in her that he would love is her fake breasts (he's suggested I get some). When we started dating when I was 22 I had a very nice set but age and breastfeeding changed them. I feel like my nice boobs were a curse. It seems my husband falls in love with breasts and not the person. She really did seem super lame.

She was also 24 year old paralegal with no past work history. He was a 32 year old partner in a law firm so I'm sure he seemed powerful, smart and full of $$$$$$ (which couldn't be further from the truth). He is also very handsome. I could see why she'd be attracted to him but she as well as the entire law firm knew he was married with 2 baby girls.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Your husband is not the catch you think he is. You say he is a good guy deep down. Not true, deep down he is an a$$hole. On the surface, he looks like a good guy.

You need to hire a lawyer and get a divorce. You deserve much better. Nobody deserves to be treated the way your husband treats you.

I admit I didn't read everything you wrote. I remember one statement about how "Your husband doesn't like sex with you and says you are unappealing". That is all I had to read. Nobody should stay with someone that treats them that way.

I know it will be tough, but move on. You will find someone better. I don't think there are too many people that are worse.


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## sayjellybeans (Jun 25, 2012)

Dear Praying, 

I'm very sorry to hear that you're being treated so poorly. You don't deserve it. 

My question to you is: What is his motivation to be and act in ways that you need, ways that show you he really wants his marriage, and that he's more than sorry, but truly remorseful? From where I stand, you'll let him get away with almost anything and still hang around. You're list is a great list, but it's meaningless. Even if he says he wants to stayed married to you, and all the heavy lifting that would entail, by his actions he is screaming at you that he doesn't give a sh!t. There are terms that people use here that are applied to the typical behavior that people (loyal ones and cheaters) engage in while coping with infidelity like rug sweeping, gas lighting, and blame shifting, and you two are no different, I'm sorry to say. 

If you really mean what you say, then you know there is a chance that you'll have to walk away. Take that chance into your own hands and file for divorce.
If he doesn't wake up and make a whole-hearted attempt after seeing you finally stand up for yourself, then he was never going to anyway. 

But, most are afraid of this option, or don't think it applies in their situation. How does it sit with you? 

Btw, I was the WS in my now defunct marriage. It was only when I was faced with real consequences that my brain shifted.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

I'm terribly sorry this has happened to you. LetDowninTX is a good person to talk to about this, it does sound just like what she went through. There are some definite things he should be doing right now to WIN YOU BACK. This isn't a free ride that he can just hop in and out of your life on a whim.

You deserve someone who recognizes how badly he hurt you, how lucky he is to have you and to wake up every day determined to show you that he sees that. Anything less is unacceptable.

Read the newbies link. Pick up Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. Focus on you and your children right now.

It is not right to blame you in ANY way for his choice to have an affair. He needs to own that decision and the outcome it means. He needs to be facing consequences, opening up all aspects of his life for transparency for you.


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## Michie (Aug 26, 2012)

Your husband obviously had no clue how f ucking awesome you are.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Nor do his toxic, enabling parents. OMFG! Do you have to interact with them at this point? That has to be rough.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

P4M,

I want to reaffirm what a previous poster said. Your husband is not a good man. Not deep down. Not at all. It is obvious that has ripped your world apart. I know this feeling.

Life and all its moving parts are happening all around you and while everything should be going well what he says and what he does makes everything you are processing seem like someone is moving a dial on a radio and there is nothing but static in your head.

Are you afraid because he is a lawyer? I guarantee there is one that is better in town and would love to take him down. Please start taking your self respect back and file. Dump his sorry azz now. How dare he treat you like that. 

Sit back down again and think about what he has done. Not only has he ruined your marriage, humiliated you and used you but he has done it to the big boobed bimbo as well. I expect her to keep running back because she was just hiking her prom dress over her head not to long back. 

You on the other hand have "lived a little" and know better. You do not have to read the stories on this site to know what to do. Quit letting him control this situation. It is time to go stealth and unleash some "shock and awe" on him and his morally bankrupt parents.


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## sayjellybeans (Jun 25, 2012)

Dear Praying,

Everything I previously said was for you to try to get what you currently want. 

For the record, I think your husband is above and beyond just being a cheater. He is cruel. 

Even if you don't believe you deserve better (and you do, YOU REALLY DESERVE BETTER), **don't your daughters deserve to not have their mama treated like dirt?**
Who will they become if this noise is allowed to continue in their lives?


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## Praying4Miracle (Nov 14, 2012)

Thank you all. I feel some days like I'm going crazy. He has these really great moments and wonderful side to him and then he comes out with this bizarre crap. When we first started talking about the affair he blamed it on me being an ungrateful wife who was never happy who he could never please. So comes along paralegal who looked up to him and affirmed him for the awesome lawyer and man he was (awesome bc he had a wife and 2 babies at home and was cheating?). Anyway, I committed to being a more submissive wife, more respectful, slower to anger and even slower to speak. That seemed to do us some good but he never did stop the cheating. Then over the past 2 weeks I learn that I'm just not good enough in bed for him. I'm routine, boring, I give bad blow jobs, I'm too dry down there (BC pill does that I explained. I also explained that I always take care of him and he does nothing to get me warmed up so what does he expect?). He says I should want to get a boob job to please him (I had a nice set of Ds when I was 22 and we got together. 2 kids and breastfeeding later I have small Cs that aren't so perky). It's always about what I have to do to please HIM. Never what HE can do to please ME and have a mutually satisfying sex life. I feel like I am dealing with a moving target. He complains, I fix it, it's a new problem. I can't keep up!

To answer some others' questions. There are 3 reasons I haven't thrown in the towel yet.

1. I believe in for better or worse and because I know the man he was and who I married I believe this is a season of his life that isn't really who he is. His success went to his head and the environment in which he works is full of under-qualified paralegals with fake breasts and colleagues who are having affairs. This is where he has spent most of his life over the past 3 years and I guess it became "normal" to him. Do I give up a lifetime and my childrens' family for a "Phase"?

2. I love him. Never loved anyone before him. Not sure I could love anyone after

3. THE BIGGEST REASON--- I DON'T TRUST HIM WITH OUR LITTLE GIRLS. I don't think he'd ever intentionally hurt them. I know he loves them. But he is horribly irresponsible. In the past year and a half he had 2 drunk driving accidents. One he totalled his car and it's a miracle he's alive. It's also very questionable how he was in the back of a cop car but ultimately let go without even as much as a ticket. I suspect he used his influence as a former prosecutor to talk the cops out of doing anything. He was beyond drunk and had blacked out. So, I don't trust he won't do these irresponsible things with my kids. And since there is no proof of any of these incidents, I have nothing to bring to a judge to keep him from having supervised visits with my kids. I don't know what I'd do if we were divorced and I had to hand them over to him every other weekend and worry all weekend about how he was taking care of them. That is my biggest fear.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

I'm very sorry you are here, but I'll hope you will listen to the advice you'll receive. It's likely you'll be hearing from some of the hardliners on this forum, and it will be tough to accept.

I don't consider myself a hardliner, and I do believe in trying reconciliation if possible. You can read my story in my first post if you want to know the details about my wife's 2 year affair. I am reconciling with her and am hopeful. However, there's a difference.

She is remorseful. Your husband is not.

She was never unkind. Your husband is.

She knows she will not be given a second chance. Your husband has already been given multiple chances and continued to cheat.

I have tremendous empathy with what you are going through, but this will be my first post where I am advising a spouse to get out of the marriage. Here's the truth. You are a doormat to him. He doesn't respect you. I doubt that will ever change. You deserve better and he doesn't deserve you or a chance for another reconciliation.

See a lawyer. Start divorce proceedings. Do what you need to protect yourself. Get into individual counseling and take care of yourself physically. You can start a new life without him. I understand how incredibly difficult that is to do, but if you hang with this forum you'll receive support along the way and we're here for you.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Praying4Miracle said:


> Thank you all. I feel some days like I'm going crazy. He has these really great moments and wonderful side to him and then he comes out with this bizarre crap. When we first started talking about the affair he blamed it on me being an ungrateful wife who was never happy who he could never please. So comes along paralegal who looked up to him and affirmed him for the awesome lawyer and man he was (awesome bc he had a wife and 2 babies at home and was cheating?). Anyway, I committed to being a more submissive wife, more respectful, slower to anger and even slower to speak. That seemed to do us some good but he never did stop the cheating. Then over the past 2 weeks I learn that I'm just not good enough in bed for him. I'm routine, boring, I give bad blow jobs, I'm too dry down there (BC pill does that I explained. I also explained that I always take care of him and he does nothing to get me warmed up so what does he expect?). He says I should want to get a boob job to please him (I had a nice set of Ds when I was 22 and we got together. 2 kids and breastfeeding later I have small Cs that aren't so perky). It's always about what I have to do to please HIM. Never what HE can do to please ME and have a mutually satisfying sex life. I feel like I am dealing with a moving target. He complains, I fix it, it's a new problem. I can't keep up!
> 
> To answer some others' questions. There are 3 reasons I haven't thrown in the towel yet.
> 
> ...


Everyone - even the most vile on Earth - has *A* good quality, or even *some* good qualities. These generally are seen in 'good times'. But it's in 'bad times' that the real person emerges. You don't have a good man. He was good early on, when things were all good. Now the real "him" has emerged and you are bewildered. Understandably so. 

You need to love yourself first. How can you love yourself when you allow yourself to be demeaned and belittled? You can't. 

Find a shark lawyer. Someone with killer skills and instincts. Your H has bound to have p1ssed someone off during his career. 

If you get a boob job - it won't satisfy him. Not at all. What'll be next? threesomes? open marriage?

I feel for you - I really do.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Heard a quote that Im not sure I totally agree with but it does make a little sense...

People dont change, who they truly are just comes out over time.

Scary, huh?


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

Praying4Miracle said:


> Thank you all. I feel some days like I'm going crazy. He has these really great moments and wonderful side to him and then he comes out with this bizarre crap. When we first started talking about the affair he blamed it on me being an ungrateful wife who was never happy who he could never please. So comes along paralegal who looked up to him and affirmed him for the awesome lawyer and man he was (awesome bc he had a wife and 2 babies at home and was cheating?). Anyway, I committed to being a more submissive wife, more respectful, slower to anger and even slower to speak. That seemed to do us some good but he never did stop the cheating. Then over the past 2 weeks I learn that I'm just not good enough in bed for him. I'm routine, boring, I give bad blow jobs, I'm too dry down there (BC pill does that I explained. I also explained that I always take care of him and he does nothing to get me warmed up so what does he expect?). He says I should want to get a boob job to please him (I had a nice set of Ds when I was 22 and we got together. 2 kids and breastfeeding later I have small Cs that aren't so perky). It's always about what I have to do to please HIM. Never what HE can do to please ME and have a mutually satisfying sex life. I feel like I am dealing with a moving target. He complains, I fix it, it's a new problem. I can't keep up!
> 
> To answer some others' questions. There are 3 reasons I haven't thrown in the towel yet.
> 
> ...


Your husband sounds very self absorbed. 

I strayed twice, but never blamed my wife. I don't think it has anything to do with her. It is really about me. The fact that your husband is trying to force you to change is a very self absorbed behavior. Gather proof and get a shark lawyer. It's bad enough he strayed but to blame you is wrong, wrong, wrong, and to criticize things about yourself that can only be changed with a possible dangerous surgery is really sick. Your husband didn't stray because of you. It's about him and he is not man enough to face that so he blames you.


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## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

Praying4Miracle said:


> Thank you all. I feel some days like I'm going crazy. He has these really great moments and wonderful side to him and then he comes out with this bizarre crap. When we first started talking about the affair he blamed it on me being an ungrateful wife who was never happy who he could never please. So comes along paralegal who looked up to him and affirmed him for the awesome lawyer and man he was (awesome bc he had a wife and 2 babies at home and was cheating?). Anyway, I committed to being a more submissive wife, more respectful, slower to anger and even slower to speak. That seemed to do us some good but he never did stop the cheating. Then over the past 2 weeks I learn that I'm just not good enough in bed for him. I'm routine, boring, I give bad blow jobs, I'm too dry down there (BC pill does that I explained. I also explained that I always take care of him and he does nothing to get me warmed up so what does he expect?). He says I should want to get a boob job to please him (I had a nice set of Ds when I was 22 and we got together. 2 kids and breastfeeding later I have small Cs that aren't so perky). It's always about what I have to do to please HIM. Never what HE can do to please ME and have a mutually satisfying sex life. I feel like I am dealing with a moving target. He complains, I fix it, it's a new problem. I can't keep up!
> 
> To answer some others' questions. There are 3 reasons I haven't thrown in the towel yet.
> 
> ...


We all have that fear, I had it and not because of the same reasons that you do but because we are moms. Sorry guys, but there is nothing like a mother! 

Get some legal advice and send him packing, he will either realize his mistakes or better yet, you will finally see we can all live without them. Either way it is your best shot. Our self esteem has been so hurt that we think we can not love again and yet you can, I bet there is nothing like the love you feel for those 2 girls? My 2 year old was the reason I was able to worry about what really matter in this... You and them! Nothing else, he made his choice, if he wants in let him earn it, prove it and you need to understand you ARE TOO MUCH FOR HIM! He is nothing and that little twig was not even good enough to be a mistress cause in a sick way he does not want to let go, but you have to let him go. For your sake, your girls sake and even if your marriage ever has a chance.

This is the time to take care about you and your girls. Find yourself, do things you always wanted to do, be the woman you want to be for you and the girls. Get a hobby, make new friends, take those girls out to a trip. I would go and stay with my boy in little weekend adventures. I just finished my first half marathon in a pretty decent time (1:55), I am back in swimming, have new friends and I am working on my self esteem. I changed my style and do things for me. Now he wants in after almost a year. Guess who is crying and beging now? Watch out for you now!:smthumbup:


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## doc_martin (Oct 19, 2012)

Praying4Miracle said:


> 3. THE BIGGEST REASON--- I DON'T TRUST HIM WITH OUR LITTLE GIRLS. I don't think he'd ever intentionally hurt them. I know he loves them. But he is horribly irresponsible. In the past year and a half he had 2 drunk driving accidents. One he totalled his car and it's a miracle he's alive. It's also very questionable how he was in the back of a cop car but ultimately let go without even as much as a ticket. I suspect he used his influence as a former prosecutor to talk the cops out of doing anything. He was beyond drunk and had blacked out. So, I don't trust he won't do these irresponsible things with my kids. And since there is no proof of any of these incidents, I have nothing to bring to a judge to keep him from having supervised visits with my kids. I don't know what I'd do if we were divorced and I had to hand them over to him every other weekend and worry all weekend about how he was taking care of them. That is my biggest fear.


Uh... I think he is swirling the drain and he is going to a place you cannot follow, nor save him from. He doesn't need a mommy and that is what you are becoming. He needs to grow up. You shouldering your half of the recovery process won't do anything to help him. It sounds to me that he is incapable of true recovery. You can't do anything about that. protect yourself and your kids. That is all you can do. If they come around, you can decide if that is good enough.

You will get a lot of book recommendations that have helped people. My favorite is "Forgive for Good" by Fred Luskin. It is really helping me forgive my wife for not doing her part to save us. I had "hoped" that my wife would change. She isn't. Her problem.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

1. This is who he is now. His environment is toxic, and he probably has no desire or intention to get out of it. You can't fight that sort of situation on your own.

2. No one is irreplaceable. There are billions of males on the planet. Literally millions upon millions are better, and more worthy of your love than your current husband.

3. A killer lawyer should have plenty to work with there. Those incidents did not go unwitnessed. Those cops might have something to say. Maybe they have been victims of infidelity too, you won't know what help people are prepared to give if you don't even try.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Ok, so my first reaction is: How dare he blame you for his choice?

Then, how dare he blame the OW - it was his choice to have the affair. HE was the one who made a vow to be faithful to YOU.

Honestly, there isn't a hope of salvaging this if HE isn't willing to own the responsibility for what he did, make his life transparent to you and stop blaming you. 

In item #1 you list above, you're not really holding him accountable for that. The man you married no longer exists. This IS the man you are married to now. He became that when he chose to stray from you.

I'm appalled at the horrible things he's saying to you. Please get yourself into some counseling and consult with an attorney. Consider the example you are setting for your children. Would you be happy if this were the marriage they were in? What would you advise your daughter to do if her husband did this and behaved this way to her?


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