# alcohol questions



## ticktack (Jun 5, 2020)

I guess I just need some perspective on this. If I'm the crazy one, then I guess that's that.

My wife doesn't drink often, which is fine with me but she's free to open a bottle of wine whenever she chooses... no complaints.

Me on the other hand. She says I act different after a single beer & she can always tell when I've had something.

I probably have between 6-12 beers per month.. PER MONTH. And, not all at once. I'm usually a sit in bed and have 2 beers in an evening guy. 3 if I'm swinging for the fences.

Nothing wrong with my liver or metabolism. And as this became and issue, I tested this a few times having 5-6 drinks in a day to see if she can tell (mind you not all at once). She couldn't tell.

We have kids that are young & we hands on parent a lot. I don't drink when the kids are awake (with the exception of my tests)

I love spicy food.. she doesn't. If I have spicy food, I'm not allowed to be in her presence for hours.

I'd eat mexican food with hot sauce every single day if I could, but it's like once or twice a month in the dark corner of my garage & chew a lot of gum afterwards.

When we lay in bed, we watch her shows which I'm fine with. She says anything I like is too intense of scary.

I haven't seen a single football game all year, which I've given up on because it just seems to irritate her.

I'd go on a workout kick & meal plan, but she hates the meal-plan process. She sees the dedication & restriction as some kind of an insult to her (I don't understand it)

I feel like I'm getting 'me' sucked away.

No football
no mexican food
no 12 week workout plans
and now... no beer

I don't have other hobbies & COVID makes things a bit restrictive. I feel like there's nothing left for me to give up.

There was a big blow up a few days ago because she was out shopping with her mom. I put the kids to bed & had a beer. It was a long day & I was tired. 3.5 hours later she came home. She laid in bed with me, but wouldn't talk to me. Just sat on her phone scrolling social media. I started to get upset because she wasn't talking & she was like 'you had a beer, didn't you'

I didn't lie and told her 3.5 hours ago. She said I was acting like I had been drinking. she said I didn't smell like beer & wasn't showing any symptoms of being 'drunk' but I seemed like I had been drinking because I was upset. I told her I was upset because she was gone for hours and wouldn't talk to me when she got home but was just paying attention to her phone. (btw.. I had 1 beer along with a gigantic plate of Thanksgiving leftovers. There's literally no way I could've been impacted by a single beer after that much food and time)

Yesterday she said that my drinking is ruining our relationship and if I have alcohol she doesn't want me to talk to her at all for 24 hours.

It's just a stark contrast to what I would do. I couldn't imagine whittling away the things that she finds fun & make her happy. Even the things that aren't my favorites.

I feel like my requests are minimal & normal people would be like... go have your fun. It's not my favorite thing, but if it makes you happy. Go hit up Taco Tuesdays a few times per month.

Am I crazy?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Nothing wrong with that at all.

The W has some other reason she feels she must say that. Very doubtful your consumption is the actual cause. 

Maybe she's had an alcoholic male in the family tree.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Sounds like a constraining way to live, but it was your choice to marry her.

No, 6 to 12 beers a MONTH is not a lot. You are not crazy.

Honestly, so what if she can "tell" if you have had a single beer. Next time she mentions it, just say something like, I guess you have superpowers of observation, gold star for you.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

ticktack said:


> I guess I just need some perspective on this. If I'm the crazy one, then I guess that's that.


No, you aren't crazy. But your wife sounds like she's your mother. Putting up with her crap? Now THAT I consider crazy. JMO.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Whoa. You added a lot of stuff to your initial post.

I think you should live your life the way you want and ignore her comments. Nothing you want to do is out of the norm of what reasonable, average people do, and either way you don't have a satisfying, friendly, close relationship, might as well do what you like to do.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If you want to watch football why dont you watch it downstairs? Why do you have to both watch TV in in the bedroom? If you want spicy food then eat it, get a balance and have it say once or twice a week. If she drinks then I cant see how she can criticise you. Maybe suggest that you both stop, it isnt good for you anyway. 
If you want to go onto a 12 week workout plan then do it, you dont need her approval all the time.


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## ticktack (Jun 5, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> If you want to watch football why dont you watch it downstairs? Why do you have to both watch TV in in the bedroom? If you want spicy food then eat it, get a balance and have it say once or twice a week. If she drinks then I cant see how she can criticise you. Maybe suggest that you both stop, it isnt good for you anyway.
> If you want to go onto a 12 week workout plan then do it, you dont need her approval all the time.


sounds like a completely normal thing, but it's a level of grief I'd rather avoid:
1. if I watch football, there's a -- you'd rather watch football than spend time with me, or you don't value our relationship the same way I do. 
2. spicy food results in not being able to sleep in bed -- you wreak of salsa. I can't believe you'd give up having sex tonight in exchange for having hot sauce.
3. workout plan - I don't know why I waste time making meals for you (1 meal per day). You don't appreciate it/me and the effort I put in.
4. beer here and there is just a trade-off thing. I'll probably stop eventually, it's just a feeling of 'must you take everything away from me?'

I could 'put my foot down' at some point, but I guess it's the not knowing the level of crazy that's coming as a retaliation Or, maybe she's just pushing and pushing as some female test of my manliness wondering if/when I'm going to take a stand.

She's prone to getting mad and dragging it on for a week or so. And this feels like a multi-week one without a resolution in my favor at the end. I'm approaching my line in the sand.

Our kids are young and a handful. She's a SAHM and Covid has worn on us both. I guess I'm just trying to give a little latitude as the kids will eventually sleep more ( and so will we). They'll be more self-sufficient and so we should be a little more relaxed and patient at some point. I don't want to be all high and mighty if this is just a symptom of the season of life we're stuck in.

idk though... I'm approaching a point where something needs to change.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Livvie said:


> Sounds like a constraining way to live, but it was your choice to marry her.
> 
> No, 6 to 12 beers a MONTH is not a lot. You are not crazy.
> 
> Honestly, so what if she can "tell" if you have had a single beer. Next time she mentions it, just say something like, I guess you have superpowers of observation, gold star for you.


Hey, @Livvie and I agree 🙂🙂👍👍


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Nothing wrong with that at all.
> 
> The W has some other reason she feels she must say that. Very doubtful your consumption is the actual cause.
> 
> Maybe she's had an alcoholic male in the family tree.


My first thought exactly, there is something deeper here. I think this is a good case for counseling of some kind. The beer is one thing but it sounds like she is trying to control every second of your day. 

6-12 beers a month, come one man those are rookie numbers.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

The single theme that jumps out at me from what you've written is her disrespect towards you. That and her anger. She seems very angry.

And in order to have that mindset, she thinks she's better than you. So she doesn't view you as equals in your marriage - and she behaves as if she's your mom. And that makes you the little boy - controllable.

And the reason all this continues is because you tolerate it and cooperate. So, if it were me, I'd stop doing that.

If you need a mediator, then perhaps suggest a counseling session, so that you can have an impartial person present - to hear both sides.

You're a grown man who goes to work and pays the bills. And for you to be fearful in your own home is so unhealthy and destructive.

You need to find a way to deal with your avoidant tendencies. You're hiding from the conflict that needs to take place. And, in a way, you're being dishonest by staying silent and going with the flow. You're pretending.

So I agree with you. Moving towards change is a very good idea.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

ticktack said:


> .. it's a level of grief I'd rather avoid:


Sure, but at what price? You're miserable, she's calling the shots by using her temper to get her way, and it's a no-win for everyone.

What's so godawful about confrontation? So she goes ape **** crazy. Is she going to run you over with the car? Is she going to come after you with a knife? Hey, I'm not joking here. If she's that looney - and for all I know she might be - it would behoove you to come up with a plan to separate. 

The thing is, she's controlling and manipulating with her anger. And you are afraid of that anger. You know it. She knows it. Time to change yourself. You can put up with her crap or you can man up and put an end to the nonsense.

Your life. Your choice.


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## ticktack (Jun 5, 2020)

Prodigal said:


> Sure, but at what price? You're miserable, she's calling the shots by using her temper to get her way, and it's a no-win for everyone.
> 
> What's so godawful about confrontation? So she goes ape **** crazy. Is she going to run you over with the car? Is she going to come after you with a knife? Hey, I'm not joking here. If she's that looney - and for all I know she might be - it would behoove you to come up with a plan to separate.
> 
> ...


Fair enough. I've spent a long time trying to give her whatever she needed as SAHM. I've always worked from home, so I can tell that it isn't easy. Concessions start small and with good intentions in mind (on my part). After a while, I've just started looking back & the kids are now 5 & 3. It's still not super easy, but way easier. The pendulum should've started to swing back. 

I guess I just wanted the sounding board of the group. I posted once before & everyone seemed to be in favor of the world bending around the SAHM.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Well, I'll tell you this.

If you have the occasional spicy food and she doesn't like it, SHE needs to be the one to leave the bedroom, NOT YOU.

Especially since you are the sole provider (you have to perform at your job).

Your marriage sounds miserable to me.

Watch some darn football, too! Live a little. The average person (male AND female) has a beer, eats spicy food and watches some football on a weekly basis, you know that, right?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

ticktack said:


> The pendulum should've started to swing back.


To quote a simplistic, but apt, saying we have in Al-Anon: Nothing changes if nothing changes.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

ticktack said:


> sounds like a completely normal thing, but it's a level of grief I'd rather avoid:
> 1. if I watch football, there's a -- you'd rather watch football than spend time with me, or you don't value our relationship the same way I do.
> 2. spicy food results in not being able to sleep in bed -- you wreak of salsa. I can't believe you'd give up having sex tonight in exchange for having hot sauce.
> 3. workout plan - I don't know why I waste time making meals for you (1 meal per day). You don't appreciate it/me and the effort I put in.
> ...


Question. Did all this start when the kids were born or has she always been this way?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

She sounds VERY manipulative and just always wants to win. Problem is YOU should be enjoying your life also with things YOU like to do. You should start doing your own hobbies, work out, etc.. If she doesn't like it ask her WHY rather than smash you with negative comments. If she has NO valid reasons, then tell her she will just have to learn to accept it.
I think you have allowed her to treat you like this, which helps train her to treat you like this -- just a circular reinforcing feedback loop. You need to break the loop.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Uh... what are her redeeming qualities because if I couldn’t drink or eat spicy food that would be a real issue.

Here’s what I do. I eat whatever I want and then offer to modify food for my wife. I will sometimes prepare two dinners even. I make everything with no picante and then add El Yucatán Habanero Green to most of my food. If I make spicy Italian sausage I always make mild or sweet for her and do not mix it. For diet I will make her potato, pasta, and other carbs and I don’t eat them.

My wife doesn’t really drink but also doesn’t try to stop me. If she did, I would anyway. If she got testy about it (never has) I would ignore her.

TBH she must be doing something really right because how you wrote up her behavior it sounds terrible, I’d be trying to run screaming.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I mean, you might as well still be living with your parents. What's the difference between them and your wife?


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

ticktack said:


> After a while, I've just started looking back & the kids are now 5 & 3. It's still not super easy, but way easier. The pendulum should've started to swing back.


Kids at that age should be sleeping on their own and for about 10 hours at night. My kids were trained to sleep on their own before they walked. It's something that helped my sanity during those tiring years.

I was a stay at home mom and I'm someone who needs my adult time and space. I see women stressing out because their children are ruling their homes. I was not one of those moms.

Your wife needs a chill pill when it comes to dealing with what you like to eat, watch, or do. Complaining about you watching football? Are you serious? I don't like football either, and my husband and son are football fanatics. Every Sunday and Monday they are screaming at the TV... It's a madhouse but that's what they like to do and I respect that. Your wife needs to start respecting what you like, but you need to do things without feeling scared of her reaction.

You are an individual with individual tastes and likes. You need to enforce those tastes and she needs to respect them.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

The next time you drink a beer and she says she can tell, calmly ask her what problems your drinking a beer causes. Listen to her, and evaluate if it she has any valid complaints.

Similarly w/ the other stuff. If she doesn't want to watch fball w/ you(or anything else), she should say "Enjoy watching this, but I'm going to go do X b/c this isn't my cup of tea". My ex liked to watch "Project Runway", so I said it many times, always nicely. If she acts irritated, ask her why.

But if she doesn't have any valid complaints, then this is control and don't put up with it. Offer to do couples counselling if she likes, always leave the door open to something constructive.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

frusdil said:


> I mean, you might as well still be living with your parents. What's the difference between them and your wife?


... parents are more respectful, and he might actually get to eat spicy food and watch some football. And since he's over 21, the beer, too.


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## Lance Mannion (Nov 24, 2020)

I'm surprised no one has yet suggested the two bibles of TAM, "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and "Married Man's Sex Life Primer."

Look, there is an imbalance in the force within your relationship. If you're in this marriage for the long haul, then you need to draw a line in the sand and renegotiate the dynamic which is playing out between the two of you. She's not going to like it at first because she's in control right now, you're the one who is jumping through all of her hoops. Things are going to be tense for a while as the power battle and renegotiation takes place. She built up her power position slowly, over time, now you've got to reset it more quickly, that's going to be jarring for her.

We don't know your wife, you do. Maybe this can all be handled via rational, calm, discussion and she can see the merit of your position, then fine, easily handled. On the other hand, maybe this is a process where calm rational talk only comes into play as a clean up crew, after the major skirmishes have taken place by action or inaction.

Marriage is about two people living with each other, making minor adjustments to themselves for the benefit of the spouse, in order to make life better for both. It's not about you meeting her arbitrary demands. It's one thing is your drinking is dysfunctional or eating spicy food creates some adverse reaction in her when your spiced up lips touch hers, but that's not what is happening, she's just come up with some arbitrary demands and expects you to comply. That's got to stop. That's not a healthy foundation for a long-term marriage, it's just going to build resentment within you if you feel forced to bend knee to her.

Fight this battle now. Resolve this issue now. Reset the terms of your interactions now.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

If you want to do another test, buy some alcohol-free beer, drink it like you would any other, and see if she complains about your behavior.

I think you have lost track of what is normal and acceptable behavior towards another. Your wife has a hunger to be very, bizarrely, controlling. You are facing a fight for your life.

You need better skills, and someone trustworthy and wise to keep you on track. Find a therapist for yourself; search at psychologytoday.com, or goodtherapy.com. When she resists, maybe seriously convey that her concerns about your drinking have you thinking you need to sort some things out with a professional.

Above all else, do not rug sweep this behavior of hers. It will destroy everything you love in this world if you don’t fight to end it, or at least keep it at an ineffective distance.

Ps, check out Top 100 Traits & Behaviors — Out of the FOG


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

It appears your W has some underlying issues with alcohol. As some suggested, in her past has your W dealt with a alcoholic?


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## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

Livvie said:


> Sounds like a constraining way to live, but it was your choice to marry her.
> 
> ...


Do you really think she was up front about her "_no spicy food, no alcohol consumption, no watching football_" position prior to marriage?


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## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

Nailhead said:


> It appears your W has some underlying issues with alcohol. As some suggested, in her past has your W dealt with a alcoholic?


She also has problems with him watching football and eating spicy food. Her ex-must've done those things too...

she's not being up front with him, respecting any sort of personal boundaries, and appears to be using these complaints to control his behavior... hopefully it's not a sign of deeper personal failings on her part, and just an adjustment to married life they can resolve.



ticktack said:


> I guess I just wanted the sounding board of the group. I posted once before & everyone seemed to be in favor of the world bending around the SAHM.


Consider what you want and need, *and go do those things*. If your wife is rude and disrespectful of that, then step 2 is letting her know in a calm, respectful manner that you like to drink and watch football, and on your time that's what you're going to do. 

If she reacts by "triangulating" and trying to drag other people into this, and brings in "allies" to her fight... that's a red flag, and a bad sign she doesn't fight fair, and this is only a symptom if bigger marital issues you'll have as time goes on. She's picking on alcohol and football because those are easy... everyone she tells "_My husband drinks too much and watches football all day_" is immediately going to get a relatable image in their head and sympathize with her. And she'll tell you all about it. Just stand your ground... this is between you and her.

She's probably insecure and has other issues around commitment and respect that she's trying to cope with by controlling your behavior. But these are her issues... not yours. Keep that in mind.


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## C.C. says ... (Aug 1, 2020)

ticktack said:


> Am I crazy?


Nah, but your wife sounds like a controlling nut-bag. No offense. See this is how other women steal our men, ladies. He’s got a control freak at home telling him not to come around her if he eats hot sauce. Hot sauce! But the lady down the street lookin at him like he’s a fine assed Jalapeño, and she’s ready and willing to please.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I identify as a fine ass jalapeño.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

TomNebraska said:


> Do you really think she was up front about her "_no spicy food, no alcohol consumption, no watching football_" position prior to marriage?


No, but unless she's had some sort of magical personality transplant, I'd be willing to bet there were red flag issues before marriage. Either that, or he didn't get to know her well enough before marriage.

This is some extreme rudeness, disrespect, and control she is exhibiting. This doesn't happen from someone who was "normal" to begin with.


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## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

Livvie said:


> No, but unless she's had some sort of magical personality transplant, I'd be willing to bet there were red flag issues before marriage. Either that, or he didn't get to know her well enough before marriage.
> 
> This is some extreme rudeness, disrespect, and control she is exhibiting. This doesn't happen from someone who was "normal" to begin with.


true. 

thinking back, people did say the same thing to me when I first posted here about my marital issues.  

And I _DID _see the red flags while we were dating. But my thinking process went 1) "_I'm told all couples fight sometimes_," and 2) "_I can understand the things she tells me stress her out are making her this way, and things will be better when we're married and those things are resolved_." 

I wonder if the OP has been in these same shoes?

The first point is true, but "_HOW they fight_" is something I didn't think to consider. Can she apologize when she's wrong or overreacts? Can she accept responsibility for her actions, or does she make everything someone esle's fault? 

The second point... I was very wrong about that. I see now that (for lack of a better term) "good people" manage their affairs well, don't put themselves in bad situations, and take responsibility for their actions. "Bad people" make bad decisions, put themselves in bad situations, take unnecessary risks and look for other people to bail them out. And are not nice about it!


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

TomNebraska said:


> true.
> 
> thinking back, people did say the same thing to me when I first posted here about my marital issues.
> 
> ...


I agree! That's a great way to sum it up. No excuses for negative ways of handling life situations. I've overlooked this trait also, and gotten into an unhealthy relationship because of it.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

it is a proven thing that SOME people can not handle their alcohol well. Some drink too much. some go from being a nice guy to being an ahole. Some go from being a shy person to being the life of the party. 

it is not a good or bad thing, but some people are just very susceptible to having a few drinks.

In my experience (we did a LOT of drinking in college at a fraternity, and actually had to weed out the "bad drunks" from joining the fraternity) there are maybe 10% of people who really should not be drinking.

IF you wife is saying she does not like your personality when you drink....discuss it seriously with her. she might be right. You might not notice your personality changes when you have a few.

How important is drinking to you anyway? Are you willing to risk alienating your wife for a drink or two? Can you legally smoke pot or have edibles in your state??? Pot is very different, metabolically, from alcohol.

you might be able to work on it. lets say you do a lot of self repression to hold in bad feelings, or depression, or whatever. so normally you are a happy person. but take a drink, and your ability to control your persona goes out the window, and your underlying self pops out and says "Hi!". maybe transcendental meditation, etc, could calm youself, so there is not new personal jumping out at you when you have a couple drinks?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Talker67 said:


> it is a proven thing that SOME people can not handle their alcohol well. Some drink too much. some go from being a nice guy to being an ahole. Some go from being a shy person to being the life of the party.
> 
> it is not a good or bad thing, but some people are just very susceptible to having a few drinks.
> 
> ...


Did you read the thread? It's not really about a beer now and again. It's about a controlling wife. 

He can't even watch some football. Or eat some spicy food.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I think your wife is getting you sorted out as her personal whipping beeeaaatttcchhh and you have been taking her poison little by little. You have come to accept her unreasonable behavior and she has learned she can get away with it.

You are failing the Chit Testing. Put your foot down and take the heat or live as her biatch forever.


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