# I thought I knew everything about my husband



## HSSweetHearts (Jan 28, 2011)

OKay, first post and here goes.

My husband and I have been dating since 7th grade. Best friends then dating then graduated engaged married-classic love story. We've had our share of problems, but I would definitely classify our life as a "normal, simple fairytale". Neither one of us have ever been (had sexual relations) with anyone else.

I thought I knew everything about him. We've always shared just about everything, I thought. This past month he has been drinking more than usual, so I confronted him about it. He took about 5 shots of whiskey and then told me (while shaking and hyperventilating) that his sister (6 years older than him) used to make him have dry sex with her throughout elementary school. it ended when he was about 10 and she was 16.

Needless to say I'm freaking out-and devastated! He was very open about it with me, and said that he has already worked through the guilt/anger and other emotions but that he is now ready to confront her about it. He's also going to ask his 2 twin brothers if it happened to them (they are very similar in age).

My question is do we tell his parents WHY we don't want contact with her? She has always been VERY involved in my 2 daughters lives. She's a TEACHER. We've been very close. But my initial reaction to this is to cut her off from contact with my family-especially my daughters. My husband is not mad at her anymore, but is now struggling with who he would have become if this hadn't happened to him. Do you think she has done anything to my daughters?

I'm also struggling with the fact that until now, in my mind I have been his only sexual experience. I'm scared and freaking out about this. Of course he says he doesn't look at the incest like that-that I'm the only woman he's ever loved and that what happened between him and his sister was on a totally different level. He's very open about it and has answered any questions I have had. I'm a nurse with some psych background-and I can tell that he has worked through this but needs the closure of confronting her.

ANY input is needed-I'm sworn to secrecy by my husband and I have nobody to talk to. He recommended I post on here to vent...:scratchhead:


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## tattoomommy (Aug 14, 2009)

Oh boy. There are some serious issues here. It could take a really long time for him to process through all of this, even if he seems to have done well on his own. This is his first time mentioning it after all these years, he's not coping in a healthy way. He's locked his feelings up in a box that appears to have broken it's lock. 

As far as the sisters involvement of your life. That's tricky. If you don't trust her with your kids, don't leave her alone with them. That goes for anyone obviously, but family isn't always safe unfortunately. If you want nothing to do with her, then don't. Nobody else has to know why. If people ask, they need to ask her. He should confront his sister, only when he's ready to. She may not have done anything with the other siblings so be warned that mentioning it will start a huge fire. The fuel will either be disbelief that she did it, or it will be the emotional reaction of the truth of the situation. 

This situation requires someone licensed and specialized in this area. You're going to get a mess of opinions, but I would bet that most will say get some counseling first. Both of you need it to help each other and lean on each other. I feel so bad for your husband.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

When I was young I was made to do the same thing with a female friend who was a couple of years older than me. It stopped at about the same age as your husband. 

I didn't even realize it was wrong (and there were some things that so CLEARLY were) until I was 18 years old. Please understand that he may not have even realized that it was wrong until an older age. As children, we tend to blame ourselves for bad things happening. 

I think my case was different as I realized almost instantly (thanks to the episode of Oprah that brought everything home) that she was likely molested herself and finding power in doing the same thing to me. It was fairly easy for me to forgive and move on. 

When he confronts her he should be prepared for a breakdown. It's quite possible that something happened to her for her to act out so horribly.

I would base whether or not my children get to see her again on how she responds. If she recognizes it as an issue and had something similar done to her, I'd consider letting my children around her. I would NOT leave her alone with them though. It's just not worth the chance. 

I chose to never reveal this to my parents. I can't imagine that it would do anything but bring them heartache for not protecting their child. This is his choice, though. He may feel completely different than me and you should support whatever he decides to do. 

Please don't let this situation make you feel any differently about your husband. He was a victim of sexual abuse. It's sickening to even compare it to a real relationship when you've had it happen to you. I think everyone in this situation would benefit from some counseling.


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## HSSweetHearts (Jan 28, 2011)

Thank you so much for your post-you made me feel much better.

He has agreed to go to couseling-thank goodness. He says he has already forgiven her and moved on, but he just wants her to know that she affected his life.


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## moonangel (Jan 19, 2011)

When I was about 5 years old, my guy cousin (a year older than me) and I played around...we didn't know it was wrong. We didn't have sex or anything like that but he kinda played with my private with a condom...with his hand, not his private. We had no idea what a condom was supposed to be used for so we did what we thought we were supposed to do. btw, it was a condom he had found somewhere...gross, I know.

...anyway, when I turned 17 or 18 and went to visit him and his family, it was awkward but then as time went by, it just became nothing. I talk to him from time to time and I really don't care about what happened then. I'm sure he doesn't care either. We were just both curious about our private parts.

Not sure about your husband's situation. I mean, does he feel uncomfortable? Does he feel like he did something he didn't want to do but was forced? Counseling might be good.


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

HSSH - welcome to TAM! I can understand why both you and your husband are devastated....I wonder why it has taken your husband all these years to suddenly start dealing with the issue? Has something happened recently that triggered it? 
When you say 'dry' sex I am presuming you mean they were both fully clothed and went through the 'motions' of sex. 

During our younger days we have all done things that we regret as adults...stealing sweets from a shop etc on to slightly more serious things. What I believe you and your husband should do is talk about the issue between you...you need to give each other the support. Then you need to put things into perspective...
Is your sister in law married? Does she have her own children? Has she ever been in trouble with the police? Have you had any suspicions about her prior to your husband telling you what happened?

Based on what you say happened and the ages at which it happened there doesnt appear to have been any offences committed. However I am NOT trying to make light of how you and your husband feel.

You say that your sister-in-law interacts alot with your family and your children. You could ask your children whether they like Aunty X... do they ever feel 'different' when she is around etc. If something IS happening they will let you know in their own way...then you can take whatever action you feel appropriate.

However, if whatever happened between two siblings many years ago when they were young is all that has ever happened, then I feel that confronting her now will be counter-productive. It could split a family up unneccessarily and she could lose her job...her life could be devasted because of something that happened 20+ (?) years ago.

However, this still leaves you and your husband with something that needs dealing with. Maybe him simply sharing it with you will be the start of the healing process. Maybe he should get professional help.
But you must think very carefully about what the consequences could be if you spoke to your brother in laws and your sister in law. If she IS abusing children to this day then clearly she needs to be stopped and dealt with immediately....if however it all stopped at 16and it was only ever 'dry sex' then maybe it would be best all round if you and your husband dealt with it between the two of you....

Whatever you decide...good luck! The bravest step your husband took was tellling you about it...


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## HSSweetHearts (Jan 28, 2011)

I could look at it as something she did as a child not knowing better...if she hadn't been SIXTEEN, possible SEVENTEEN. <<Old enough to know better. As far as we're concerned, it is going to stay between the 4 siblings (and me since he told me). She will not be around my family any longer.

Although-i feel bad for her husband since they don't have kids yet and he doesn't know(they are planning to really soon), and her profession bothers me. I would NOT want my children in the classroom with someone who had done this at such an older age.


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