# First 2 months!



## memphisman (May 29, 2011)

I've been married now for two months now. And I have to say its been a long to months. I know marriage isn't and wasn't going to be easy. And I'm trying to be patient, but with my wife there's very little compromise. And we've been fighting a lot more than usual than lately. And when she's upset about something she can just be extemely mean and hateful at times. Especially if I disagree with her about something or think she's acting inappropriatly about something. My question is really. Is it true what they say. Whatever it's like in the first 2 months is the same it's going to be in 20 years? Because things have been similar to this even before we got married. But they've just seemed to worsen since we got married. And I really don't know how much of her bad attitudes I can take. It's starting to depress me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## c2500 (Aug 17, 2011)

Did you not see any of these traits before you were married? Just curious.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You're going to have to sit her down and really talk to her and lay it out. What you'll tolerate and what you won't deal with. Set the boundaries now. Don't be a d1ck, but be firm. Be the man here and nip this sh1t now. If she tries to argue and get angry, let her...just tell her when she can talk with you, you'll continue...then walk away. Stay calm. But seriously, set some boundaries and set YOUR boundaries. You teach people how to treat you. Right now, she is learning a pattern that COULD last for 20 years. Nip it.


----------



## memphisman (May 29, 2011)

yea, i saw a good portion. But my wife is 20 and i'm 26, and we met about a year and half ago when she was 19. I guess i felt like if i treated her the same way i wanted to be treated and be good to her she would in return do the same. And everything else she would "grow out of". some days i see an effort as if she's trying but other days i don't. she always has an excuse. For all intensive purposes she's verbally abusive to me. but it's like since we are married she feels like she can get away with it and doesn't have to apologize because i'm not going anywhere?


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Read my post and talk to her.

She's 20. Probably too immature to be married but since she is, you gotta lead the marriage. Be a man and stop being abused.


----------



## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

I will admit that I can be a mean little brat at times. In therapy, I was taught how to articulate difficult feelings without shouting, swearing or being disrespectful. 

Sometimes I forget what I have learned; it is very hard to change more than twenty years of conditioning. I grew up in a home with way too much screaming and nasty language. When I don't remember to be respectful, my husband firmly yet lovingly puts me in my place. He will just tell me to speak to him when I can be polite, along with hugs and kisses when my husband recognizes that I am just stressed and snapping for that reason. 

If my husband was a pushover who never set boundaries, I would steamroll over him. Good thing I had enough sense to marry a man that would challenge me instead of being afraid.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

She's testing you, trying to set the tone of the marriage. Listen to That Girl....you need to nip that sh!t in the bud right now. Repeat after me "I'm your husband not your child. Do NOT talk to me that way". Demand respect, even when she disagrees with you. You can certainly have a discussion, and you don't always have to agree on everything, but respect is not optional. You give it to her; and you expect it from her.


----------



## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

that_girl said:


> You're going to have to sit her down and really talk to her and lay it out. What you'll tolerate and what you won't deal with. Set the boundaries now. Don't be a d1ck, but be firm. Be the man here and nip this sh1t now. If she tries to argue and get angry, let her...just tell her when she can talk with you, you'll continue...then walk away. Stay calm. But seriously, set some boundaries and set YOUR boundaries. You teach people how to treat you. Right now, she is learning a pattern that COULD last for 20 years. Nip it.


She's totally right. I'm a nice guy, but there are things my wife knows I don't put up with for a second. I let her know I love her, but nope certain attitudes and ways of talking to me, just are NOT going to happen. I also listen to her, and if there are things I do that annoy the heck out of her, I avoid doing them as well (i.e. it works both ways).

Best advice I got early in my marriage: "pick your battles".

There are things that you need to show backbone and not allow, but if they are small things, let them ride. She's not a robot and you can't change her completely (nor should you want to). You also don't have to put up with anything she throws at you too. In the end she'll respect you more if you stand up for yourself in a loving way.

Life in the first few months of marriage is not how life 10/15 years later things are going to be. My wife and I are different people now that we were 15 years ago.


----------



## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I am so glad that you came here for advice before this dynamic gets cemented in your marriage.

As everyone has said, you need to set boundaries and let your wife know that you will not be treated disrespectfully. When she's upset and berates you, tell her you will discuss issues when she calms down. Walk away. Do not engage her when she rants. Teach her how to fight fairly. No name calling, no contempt. You have to take the lead here because she has not learned how to express herself as a mature adult.


----------



## Bluemoon1 (Mar 29, 2012)

That's the best advice I could give any newly married man, it's something I wish I had known at the start, and I can tell you what will happen next if you don't listen to this advice, she will slowly start to withhold sex, then start to use it as a bargaining chip, and this will last for as long as the marriage lasts, she may also dump you when she gets bored of it all.

It's not an anti women stance, it's just as I have seen it happen to so many people I know (at first I thought it was just the type of people I knew) and have read it so many times on here and other forums)

The one theory that sounds quite true to me is, she is seeing if your man enough to stand up to her, take if from one who is trying to repair years of this crap 



WorkingOnMe said:


> She's testing you, trying to set the tone of the marriage. Listen to That Girl....you need to nip that sh!t in the bud right now. Repeat after me "I'm your husband not your child. Do NOT talk to me that way". Demand respect, even when she disagrees with you. You can certainly have a discussion, and you don't always have to agree on everything, but respect is not optional. You give it to her; and you expect it from her.


----------

