# Dealing with my imperfect body



## marriedwithkids1 (Nov 10, 2010)

Having 4 kids,entering middle age, gravity, nursing and time are changing my body and not for the better. I can still arouse my H with a kiss or a touch. I am just struggling with the idea that my body is not as visually appealling/arousing to him as it may have been. He assures me that he loves me and my body. I used to me the cool confident wife but, that has changed. Working out/diet can only do so much. Please don't depress me by going onto a rant about how sexy women can look even into their 50s, while this is true for some the majority of us simply cannot. 

We still have relatively regular sex and it is great. However, I want to continue to explore using visual aid (perhaps including porn) to spice things up. There have been instances in the past when we can be watching tv and certain women in certain outfits can give him an erection. He tries to conceal it but, I notice it and will usually comment on it. There have been times in the past when I will simply take the opportunity to get on and ride it if the opportunity presents itself and if I am in the mood. I even would take if further and have also purposely put girly shows on so he would get aroused as sort of a treat. Sometimes he would get bashful and other times he would openly stroke himself. If I was in the mood to have sex I would caution him not to get to hot as this make sex way too short for me. If I was not in the mood or wanted to give him a special treat we would take turns with our hands/my mouth to arouse him and end it with a BJ. I should point out that for me I am fine with 2 minutes of kissing, 5-7 minutes of intercourse. I usually come anywhere between 4-8 times. Then I usually beg him to come inside me and it is over for me. My H would love nothing more than for the whole thing to be stretched out for 45-90 minutes. This visual foreplay is a way for him to get some lazy-girl foreplay so we can both have our cake and eat it too. 

Intellectually i recognize that he is aroused visually (and i have found i am too). I have had solo experiments where i stimulate myself visually and physically and have found some incredible sensations. However, i can still see jealousy rearing its head and kill the mood. My husband made a joke about me not letting him watch those types of shows anymore. Please let's not turn this thread into one about fitness and how i can change my body. I am well-versed in this field. I also don't want to hear that i should take pole dancing lessons or conduct my own show. I know there must be women out there with imperfect bodies like mine that can accept this and learn to have fun in this way.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Oh, hey, I'm right there with you. No, no recommendations to do pole-dancing or anything else.

I guess I've just accepted that my guy likes me in bed. Do I occasionally get jealous of women on the TV? Yeah. But you know what, I also look at some hot guys. Doesn't mean much.

You guys sound like you have a really great sex life, and he sounds very lucky to have you. You should read some more on here about the men dealing with 10, 20, 30 years of no sex, or chore sex. They would each and every one of them love to have someone like you.

So...no advice for losing weight, but maybe a teensy bit of advice to count your blessings and let it go?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I'm 47, three kids, gravity and the whole bit too. I struggle with my weight. And my hubby cheated on me. Not the best recipe to have a lot of confidence in the way it look, believe me.

It's really hard to just accept it when our culture screams at us constantly that young, firm, perky, thin, wrinkle fee, taut etc is sexy. And the same thing is screamed at our husbands.

We watch porn. it turns him on. Especially girl on girl. I don't mind, it kind of turns me on when it turns him on. but I get jealous if he watches the screen more than me once he's inside me. 

He also has a really hard time talking about sex. It's something we're working on.

Have you read the book Passionate Marriage? it's kind of cerebral, but it has some good information. We've been kind of struggling with it for about a year. it's a slow process!

This January we started tanning in prep for a trip to Hawaii, and I discovered that having a tan boosts my self confidence as far as my attractiveness goes. So maybe you can find something like that for yourself too.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I think too that a guy who has a girl who is adventurous and willing and loves sex that is more of a turn on than a "perfect body girl"...I think that guys find it a turn on when their woman is lusting after them no matter how imperfect her body is.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

well said, Highwood -- I have it a bit easy because my H's first wife was very prudish, LD, anti-sex, so mostly he thinks he's died and gone to heaven. I do have moments of worry about my body, but I refuse to let that interfere with my reckless abandon and enjoyment of his body. If that changes, then I'll deal.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Guy here, 49, married for 28 years.

When your man tells you that he loves you and your body, he's absolutely telling you the truth.

He gets aroused by the "girly shows"? Is wasn't that long ago that I'd get aroused looking at the bra ads in the newspaper (last week, if I remember correctly). It's no reflection on you, it's how we're wired.

It sounds like you have a great marriage and a great sex life.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

I'm not going to go on the diet and exercise rant. Or how perfect you can be with xyz combo of whatever.

But what I have noticed, is that while I myself even though I am young and have no kids have imperfections, they weigh on me a lot less and I mean A LOT less, now that i've been actively taking care of my diet and exercise.

I'm not a pefect 10, I'm not a perfect anything, but the self loathing I had at the end of my marriage and for almost a year after, is gone. i don't shudder when I look in the mirror, I don't lock myself up. I think the endorphins released, or whatever happens REALLY affected that, mixed with the confidence of "I'm taking care of me" I could really care less about where I'm not perfect.

Do something to take care of you that makes you feel good. Doesn't matter what it is, even if it's a new hair cut. doing something to make you feel good, makes you feel like you look good. screw the stick figures, you bore 4 children, that's more than I ever hope to accomplish.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

lamaga said:


> Oh, hey, I'm right there with you. No, no recommendations to do pole-dancing or anything else.
> 
> I guess I've just accepted that my guy likes me in bed. Do I occasionally get jealous of women on the TV? Yeah. But you know what, I also look at some hot guys. Doesn't mean much.
> 
> ...





highwood said:


> I think too that a guy who has a girl who is adventurous and willing and loves sex that is more of a turn on than a "perfect body girl"...I think that guys find it a turn on when their woman is lusting after them no matter how imperfect her body is.



I agree 100%, it seems like you two have great sex life & your body image issues are only in your head.
It sure seems like your husband is very into you, so obviously you're doing something right. 
Maybe you're just having one of those days when you feel every wrinkle, pound & line, I've had plenty of my own.
Put those negative thoughts away & go jump your hubby tonight, knock his socks off with something completely unexpected, like cooking dinner wearing next to nothing.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

My wife is 51 and hot. She still complains about her body, comparing it to 20 somethings.
I tell her, "Honey, you are 51 and beautiful. You're fit, in shape and have a better body than most of the 20 something muffin tops out there. I don't want a 20 something. I want you."


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

I am not as skinny as I was when I met my husband five years ago. He has also gained weight.

We both still find each other very hot. My husband thinks I have an amazing body even though I could stand to lose a few.

Embrace your changing body as a testament to the experience and wisdom of your life. You have nothing to worry about if your husband thinks you are beautiful and sexy.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

My husband is 46 and despite being your typical middle aged man who isn't all that fit I still find him extremely HOT and attractive.

Why would I think he would feel any differently about me? I think I look pretty darn good for someone who is 46 with 3 kids that I nursed. I'm not a 21 year old super model but then again neither is he.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

marriedwithkids1 said:


> I can still arouse my H with a kiss or a touch.
> 
> He assures me that he loves me and my body.
> 
> We still have relatively regular sex and it is great.


Who says you have an imperfect body?

The only thing that needs to change is your outlook. Only you can work on that. From where I'm reading, it sounds like you have a healthy man who desires you. Try not to over think it.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

My boobs are floppy and big. I was worried about them...being attractive. I mentioned it to Hubs and he couldn't understand why. He LOVES that they are big and floppy. Highlight of his day, he said :rofl:

I'm sure your husband isn't lying when he said he loves your body. I'd love Hubs' body if he had passed our child from it too.

It's just our own insecurities that makes us double guess what our men say. I have learned to just listen to what he says and not read into it.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

One thing you can do.... is stretch out the sex sessions. LET him watch YOU doing him! That will drive him crazier than a different body.


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## karma*girl (Apr 28, 2012)

Oh wow! I know exactly how you feel! I started a very similar thread not too long ago-called, 
"Does he really want to see me naked??"
I really wanted to know if men could actually desire seeing their wives totally naked, even though we may look nothing like what we think they really wish for.

I received SOOO much support & encouragement that I was floored! Look for it in the Men's Clubhouse. In this thread & that one, you will find so many helpful words, it's amazing!
Honestly, it's so hard to imagine the good things they say can be true when we often have a negative dialogue always running about ourselves.

I've found that when I focus on all the positives, my natural confidence comes forth effortlessly.. When you're feeling happy, enthusiastic, adventurous & all that, he'll be thrilled & as many guys told me- the biggest turn on is not how you look, but that you show real desire & enthusiasm for your man. 
Sounds like your relationship is fantastic & that all your worry is yours alone- not his!
Climb out of that head & relax in the moment! Enjoy him & Let him enjoy you!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

The happiest I ever was with myself and my body (and I was the same as I was now) was when I lived in the temple. lol. No TV, no media. It was great.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Not condoning what these celebrity married guys did in any way...but sometimes you notice that these women that they cheated with are nothing great compared to their wives.

Example, Shania Twains husband, Jessie James, Arnold Schwarzenagger, etc. etc. These men were married to beautiful desirable women that a lot of men would be happy to be with and not saying that these women were doing anything wrong in their marriage, etc. but maybe some of them were ice queens. Who knows we do not know what was going on...but sometimes you wonder? 

I know in my case I know that I did not make my man feel like he was being desired by me...not saying that was an excuse in any way for him to have an EA but it definently led our marriage astray.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

highwood said:


> I think too that a guy who has a girl who is adventurous and willing and loves sex that is more of a turn on than a "perfect body girl"...I think that guys find it a turn on when their woman is lusting after them no matter how imperfect her body is.


This is absolutely right. Lusting after me being really enthusiastic during the act especially BJs is the key for me. Telling me what she wants me to do to her, talking really dirty during, asking me to please cum in her mouth or on her face. things like that are way above the body. After all the most important sex organ we have is between the ears.


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## 381917 (Dec 15, 2011)

Everyone has flaws. We are our own worst critics. Things I am insecure about, little things like a scar on my back, my husband has acted baffled about when I mentioned to him. He was like "What? I can't even see it??"


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

We all can't afford personal trainers or plastic surgens or look like models or holywood people. I always tell my wife I love the person inside and as we grown older our bodies change (unless you can afford above comments) just being home for me is enough no matter what she looks like


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

We are surrounded by images of 18 year olds doing wrinkle cream commercials, Victoria's Secret commercials where the girl's thighs are about the same width of most of our arms! Women are told to be beautiful at all costs. Youth is key. Youth is everything and youth is every where. 

Due to depression and lack of activity, I have gained some pounds and I actually HIDE for God's sake. Hubby is depressed and hasn't touched me in over a year. Sure, he did lose his sex drive from depression before I gained weight, but the vain female in me is screaming he no longer finds me attractive. 

We are our own worst critics. We see every line, pudge, roll, etc. We think the world sees those things too. Intellectually, I know people are not looking for faults in my appearance at the grocery store, etc. But emotionally, I feel like the Elephant Man (I AM NOT AN ANIMAL!!!!).

From the beginning of time, women and men knew they would age and did so. Our ancestors did not have cable TV, magazines, print ads, and commercials. We can't help but compare ourselves to the women in Hollywood. Ever watch a red carpet event before an awards show? ALL the women look too skinny and are in desperate need of a sandwich. 

Personally, I do not think I will ever accept getting old and will forever view myself as ugly. My attitude need to change so I can live life to its fullest. You are lucky your husband still finds you attractive and you have an active sex life. I am a very sexual and affectionate person who gets NO hugs, kisses, and sex. In my twisted mind, it is because I gained weight, no matter what my husband says. 

Be thankful for what you have. Cherish it and learn to love yourself as your husband loves you. No, I cannot take my own advice. I am 7 shades of fcuked up!


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Just remember, it only matters what you think about yourself, Confidence is the ultimate turn on. If your man loves you, has sex with you, don't overthink it.

It is the imperfections that humans have that make us perfect....the scars of life let's us know that we have lived. 

The "perfect" woman to me is hiding too many insecurities


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