# Need Advice!!



## nivedita0804 (Jul 4, 2018)

Hi

I have been dating a guy for the past 4 years (marrying him in 2 months). We get along with each other very well, not many differences of opinions, except for one thing- 'his female best friend'. This lady has been my fiance's best friend much before I came into picture. He introduced her to me in the early period of our relationship. My fiance has had a very bad past. This female best friend happens to be a mutual friend to him and his ex, because of which she has formed an opinion about my fiance that he can never keep a girl happy in a relationship. The very moment he told her about me, there was a strong discouragement from her, that he stay away from any kind of romantic relationships since he's not 'fit' to be in one. Although I am super happy to be his girlfriend (why else would I marry him??!!). When he told this to me, I didn't feel good about her but nevertheless, I wanted to talk to her to see what kind of a person she was. When I first spoke to her, I felt super irritated. She kept reiterating the fact that he has been a bad boyfriend in the past and that's why her friend left him and its much better to have him in the friend zone rather than as a boyfriend. This created a bad impression about her in my mind. What happened between my fiance and his ex is between them and she needn't judge my fiance based on that. In my opinion, she does not hold any locus standi to comment on what kind of a boyfriend he is. When I told this to my fiance (we have discussed this over a 100 times) he seems to take it in a very cool sense. He feels that may be she's right and she has been very supportive of him in his bad times and it's not right to get offended over such 'silly' issues. This is where my problem begins. I don't think she's right because she does not know what kind of a boyfriend he is. I have been very very happy with him in the last 4 years, which she refuses to see. She sees only what happened between him and his ex girlfriend. In addition to all of this, she keeps him updated about his ex's whereabouts- where she lives, who she's dating etc, which I feel is unnecessary. I feel my fiance lacks self respect to stop her from doing this. I don't feel good when they go out. I'm afraid it will bring down his morale. My fiance has a lot of respect for her, which I don't think she deserves. I don't think I am jealous of her, just that her attitude makes me uncomfortable. I have discussed this enough with my fiance. I told him to keep a distance from her, but my fears seem kiddish to him. What should I do to keep her away from my fiance.


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

She just might be projecting by acting like he's not good to date because, she maybe... is secretly in love with him or very attracted to him, but never had the guts to tell him. Just a thought.


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

What is her current relationship...is she married, engaged, dating ?
My fear is that she comes with the marriage.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

This is called a toxic friend.

I seriously wouldn’t marry him until this problem is solved. You should be his best friend now. She needs to go. If he values her that highly, then he needs to marry her, not you,

She CLEARLY has a thing for your dude.

Simple, she goes or you do. You don’t want that. You’re acting weak. It will be the undoing of your relationship.


----------



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> This is called a toxic friend.
> 
> I seriously wouldn’t marry him until this problem is solved. You should be his best friend now. She needs to go. If he values her that highly, then he needs to marry her, not you,
> 
> ...


I agree with @Evinrude58, this will be the undoing of your relationship if you don't nip it in the bud now. There's nothing wrong with having opposite sex friends, but for him to call someone who is so negative and degrading to him, his best friend, that's really sad. I would bet that she has feelings for him, which is why she's trying to discourage your relationship. If she is legitimately just concerned about him, you would think that after you've been together for so long, she would give up and realize that you guys are happy together. Plus, just because he didn't work out with his ex, doesn't mean that he isn't suited to be in a relationship. It just takes the right person to make things work well.


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

nivedita0804 said:


> In my opinion, she does not hold any locus standi to comment on what kind of a boyfriend he is.


You are, of course, correct. She is a hearsay witness. Her opinion of him is formulated mostly from what his ex said about him to her. She does not have first-hand knowledge of what kind of partner he is, she only knows how he has been described by a person who had a low opinion of him. A person who was a significant part of the dynamic which he was living within.



nivedita0804 said:


> What should I do to keep her away from my fiance.


Unfortunately, whether or not she is kept away is his decision, and ultimately, you have no control over it.

This person will unravel your marriage if she is "kept".


----------



## coquille (May 8, 2018)

As others have already suggested, this woman is a toxic person to have around. But what is really of concern to me is that he is minimizing her toxicity. Your fiancé is happy to have her as "best friend" while she berates him and says that he should not be involved in a relationship??? Why doesn't he defend himself? Why is he happy that she is filling him in on his ex all the time??? All this should be of concern to you, and you should NOT marry this guy if this woman is still around you guys. She will destroy your marriage. Were your fiancé and this woman involved sexually or romantically in the past? I suspect they were, and if they weren't, they will be in the future.

You and your fiancé are entering marriage--this is a life-long commitment, and it should start on healthy and solid foundations. Your fiancé's relationship with this woman, is not healthy on any level and by any means. You are legitimately concerned about her being his friend, and him defending her and trivializing her negativity. Don't marry him until she is out of his life. But most importantly, why is he keeping such a toxic person as a 'best friend'? This should be telling about your fiancé and his choices of friends, especially that she is his 'best friend'. And btw, as his future wife, you are the most important person in his life. In this case, you have every legitimate reason to have her cut out of his life and yours.


----------



## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Retired career woman here, 60 years old, & 38 years married (first time for the both of us). When we married, I made it clear to my husband that he drops any ex's as friends, toxic friends, & orbiters. Do the same. You have a toxic friend & an orbiter. You should be your fiancee's best friend. Do not marry him. Make sure that this issue is resolved by dumping this friendship & move on. You can do better!


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Roselyn said:


> Retired career woman here, 60 years old, & 38 years married (first time for the both of us). When we married, I made it clear to my husband that he drops any ex's as friends, toxic friends, & orbiters. Do the same. You have a toxic friend & an orbiter. You should be your fiancee's best friend. Do not marry him. Make sure that this issue is resolved by dumping this friendship & move on. You can do better!


She's right. Never allow an X in the mix


----------



## nivedita0804 (Jul 4, 2018)

She is married for about 2 years now. I doubt if she has a feeling for my guy. In my opinion, she is doing this mainly because she wants to make him feel worthless in a relationship.


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

nivedita0804 said:


> She is married for about 2 years now. I doubt if she has a feeling for my guy. In my opinion, she is doing this mainly because she wants to make him feel worthless in a relationship.


Just because she is married doesn’t mean she doesn’t want your fiancé.Her attitude seems to be “If I can’t have him,nobody can”.
She needs to be pushed aside by your boyfriend or he needs to be pushed aside by you.When it comes to manipulative “friends” I could write a book.


----------



## nivedita0804 (Jul 4, 2018)

Was your husband understanding enough? Didn't he feel that you were trying to invade his space or getting over possesive?


----------



## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

nivedita0804 said:


> Was your husband understanding enough? Didn't he feel that you were trying to invade his space or getting over possesive?


There's nothing to understand. My terms are clear. No, I do not feel that I'm invading my husband's space or getting over possessive. I value myself and would not attach myself to a loser. You are being rolled over. Continue on your path at your peril. You will make purgatory for you in this marriage for being timid and a pushover.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If she's too important for him to give up then you shouldn't marry him.


----------



## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Nived,

Inform this OWs husband that she has an inappropriate relationship with your fiance.

She sounds like a very entitled person who has to get her way.

I would not have tolerated a person in my Ws life undermining my relationship even before we were married. 

Tamat


----------

