# Religion Ends Relationship



## Qwilleran (Jun 11, 2011)

Hi all,

I'm just trying to get some feedback regarding how religion has affected other people's relationships.

Some quick background info - I am 50 and my girlfriend is 52. We are both divorced.

I went out this evening with my girlfriend of 4 months who I met on an online dating site. I made it quite clear on the dating site that I was looking for a long term relationship. She is devoutly Catholic... no sex before marriage, attends Mass weekly, attends religious retreats consistently etc. I on the other hand am not a church goer yet I neither believe nor disbelieve. I respected her values and was respectful to her at all times.

Every since we started dating I have noticed her to be very guarded. She is affectionate, holds hands, puts her arm around me, but the kisses never exceed two... and if you try for a third she replies "ok" which in this instance actually means no more.

In order to understand her world better I have been attending Mass with her to show her I am open minded and am willing to accept new things in my life. We have discussed the importance of honesty, integrity, communication in a relationship and I have gone out of my way to keep those values front and center while we have dated.

She recently came back from a religious retreat and mentioned that her spiritual director told her she should be alone. After uttering this she basically intimated that her religious feelings compel her to follow this advice. When I asked her if this was the main reason why she felt we should just be friends she replied that it was a large part of it but also that she felt the emotional connection between us wasn't strong enough.

Being mature, I accepted her pronouncement with dignity and grace and wished her well. I respect her right to make such a choice and I told her so. I must say however that it does hurt.
I went out of my way to do those things that I thought are important in developing a deep relationship. I tried to establish open communication, respect, honesty, caring, and the willingness to be open to new experiences such as becoming involved in her faith. 

The only downfall I can see is that we only went out once every week or two weeks owing to my being a single parent of a 14 year old and our differing work schedules. How can one go out of their way to offer many positive things women ask for in a relationship but then be told there isn't a strong enough emotional connection? What would have made a stronger emotional connection? I'm at a loss regarding this. When I asked her to explain this she just said it had nothing to do with me but with her. I am still in the dark about what happened! Any advice others could offer on this board, or sharing of similar experiences would be appreciated.

Qwill


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## isla~mama (Feb 1, 2012)

That was gracious of you to attend mass with her. Unfortunately when people end relationships there isn't always a clear answer as to why. She could be using her spiritual adviser as an excuse or she could sincerely be compelled to follow their direction. Likewise she might sincerely feel you lack an adequate emotional connection, or she might be using that as an excuse to soften the blow of separating from you due to religion. If she's been hurt in past relationships she may simply be unable to let down her guard enough to let you-- or anyone-- in emotionally. 

If she's made it clear she wants to end the relationship you should move on and be glad it didn't get more involved before she let go.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You are a gentleman, which is nice.

She is religiously frigid, which is not nice. Her choice, but...not good for you as I'm sure it wouldn't get better.

I couldn't stay with someone who only allows 2 kisses. Bleh. No. She did you a favor.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

She may be entirely sincere. You can't MAKE the connection.... that is what dating is about, finding someone who FEELS the connection that works. 

There are alot of different things that go into that "connection".


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The connection is either there or it is not. This cannot be forced and you cannot create a connection when the chemistry is not there. She gave it 4 months and it's not there. 

Most likely she talked to her spiritual adviser about her own feelings of a lack of connection. And that person advised her that if the connection is not there, then the relationship is a no-go for her.

You need to respect what she has told you. Her feelings for you are not as strong as she would like them to be to continue the relationship.

It's better to breakup then to end up with a woman who is luke warm about you.


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

Qwilleran said:


> Hi all,
> 
> I'm just trying to get some feedback regarding how religion has affected other people's relationships.
> 
> ...


I have seen this time and again. In fact, one of my dealbreakers I didn't put is someone who is very religious. Overly religious people scare me because some of them can take things a bit too far in regards to the bible (for example, the GOD HATES **** people). My brother found religion a few years ago and actually called my little sister a ***** because she didn't carry a purse! She was 12 years old at the time. I guess in his head, *****s don't carry purses when they are hooking, I don't know. But I still tease him mercilessly about it no matter how offended he gets. I also find those who are the most fanatical about religion are the people who are the most judgmental which baffles me because Jesus himself said JUDGE LEST YE BE JUDGED.


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

How can a connection be made if one person is afraid to make that connection? She never opened herself completely to you due to fear, the bible, her pastor? Any number of things. 

The other posters are right, she did you a huge favor.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Qwilleran said:


> What would have made a stronger emotional connection? I'm at a loss regarding this.


She probably goes for controlling religious guys.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

You dodged a massive bullet.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> I made it quite clear on the dating site that I was looking for a long term relationship. She is devoutly Catholic... no sex before marriage, attends Mass weekly, attends religious retreats consistently etc. I on the other hand am not a church goer yet I neither believe nor disbelieve. I respected her values and was respectful to her at all times.


 It likely wouldn't have worked anyway, I don't know much about the Catholic church, but I've heard one has to become Catholic...for the church to even recognize your marraige. (Husband knew a couple yrs ago who got marreid again over this..their 1st wedding was not recognized)... 

Emotional connection to her... could have had alot to do with spiritual beliefs... the whole being equally yoked thing... The devout often think like this. Things spoken at this Spiritual Retreat might have been hitting home on these issues.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I guess I just don't get this post, she was up front from the get go

so you dated someone for 4 months and it didn't work out largely due to religious differences, better than getting married and finding out later it won't work

seems like it was just the right thing to happen, not all dating partners will be Miss Right


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## goodlife (Mar 18, 2012)

When people meet and discuss religion, it is not always apparent to what extent they mean. In this case, it sounds like she needs to follow her spiritual advisor, which means...she is completely controlled by her religion. I giggle in reading your post on how she would limit to two kisses, and no sex before marriage, but yet in the strict catholic religion there is no divorce either. It sounds to me that this woman is completely lost and has no control on her own life. It's a good thing you found out now before you let her too far into your life. From reading a few of your other posts, it appears you have a DD. I can guarantee you that she never would have let this woman in. Take that into consideration when dating someone. 

Take my suggestion, and get back on the dating train. You said you met her through the internet, so I am assuming it was a dating site. Go try again. It may not always work out, but there is no way to find out unless you try. Last advice, do not settle for just someone. Find the one that makes you happy and respects you for your beliefs.

Be strong, be happy and know there is someone out there for you!


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## Qwilleran (Jun 11, 2011)

Thanks for the insights everyone. I appreciate all that has been said... and thank-you 'goodlife'.... I will take what you say to heart.

Take care everyone!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I am not convinced that this woman is somehow so controlled by her 'spiritual advisor' that she would do exactly what the advisor tells her.

My take on it is that she asked someone who she looks up to or confides in about her relationship with OP. She had doubts about it and the adviser probably told her something along the line of “if you don’t feel a connection with this guy then you are better off right now by yourself.” IMHO, that’s good advice. It’s not her religion that broke up the dating relationship; it’s the lack of connection.

What I don’t get is that the OP dated someone for only 4 months and says he really only saw her on the weekends and not even every weekend. That’s really not enough time to have invested much of himself in this relationship. It was a casual dating relationship. So what is he making such a big deal out of this, seriously?

On the topic of her limiting the kisses and not wanting any sex while dating… I’m sure that the limiting of the kisses has to do with knowing that kissing can lead to a lot more. One of the things that people do these days is get too physically involved with people they are dating, then they get too attached. When the dating relationship does not work out (and most of them don’t) they then feel very used and cheated. So while limiting it to 2 kisses does prevent the kissing leading to something she did not want to do to start with.


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## goodlife (Mar 18, 2012)

People that go to retreats to come home and say they are to be alone because their advisor told them so is either a very poor communicator, looking for excuses without saying the truth, or absolutely controlled by religion. Either way, Qwilleran is better off without them and definitely can find a better fish.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

goodlife said:


> People that go to retreats to come home and say they are to be alone because their advisor told them so is either a very poor communicator, looking for excuses without saying the truth, or absolutely controlled by religion. Either way, Qwilleran is better off without them and definitely can find a better fish.


It's horrible when a person has thoughts of their own isn't it. How dare this woman speak to someone who respects about her feelings and then live her life according to how she feels... terrible terrible women she is!!!


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## RDL (Feb 10, 2012)

It is not uncommon for leaders in religious circles to actively discourage relationships with "non believers". 

Opinions vary as to the morality of such actions. In your situation it seems she chose to obey her religious leader's advice. 

If this is the case it is likely there is little you can do about it as each adult is responsible for their own decisions. Even if they let others influence them.


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