# fatally flawed - run?



## controlledfreefall (Mar 24, 2013)

Thanks all for taking the time to read about my issues and offering any advice you may have.

Backstory
I met my wife 7 years ago and although there were red flags as to her 'true' nature, they weren't frequent enough for me to not fall in love and ask her to marry me. 

We talked about children, something Ive always wanted as part of my family, and she agreed in wanting children, although said if she didn't meet the right guy or never got married she would consider invitro as an alternative. For me personally this would be the LAST thing I would want for my children as I grew up with divorced / single parents and would NEVER want my children to go through what I went through.

So we married 5 years ago, and have two beautiful daughters, and I feel as If Ive gone through a war with legitimate signs of PTSD.

Primary Issue
(sorry this seems long, but its relevent)
1.5 years into our marriage I was laid off from my job as the company I worked for was downsizing. I was emotionally hurt by this. My ego, self esteem, identity was challenged and I was going through a tough time. This is also the opportunity my new wife decided to 'start' a full on campaign of rejection of me as well. I was devastated. I will add that our finances were never a source of stress for her / us. Im a saver and I immediately started doing freelance work to pay the mortgage and a good part of the bills. My wife also had her job that offered benefits so luckily this wasn't ever a problem.

The rejection started slowly, with resentful attitudes towards the mundane, continual denial of intimacy, etc.

Within 6 months or so I was doing contract work for the same company I was laid off from, making more $ than before, although no benefits, vacation etc and a perceived lack of stability as it was contract work.

My wife and I decided earlier that we didnt want to put our kids into daycare and would prefer one of us to stay with them, for at least the first year or so. We talked about it again and the decision was made that I would give up my career (making almost twice than my wife, no benefits) and stay home.

This was the end of the transition of my wife from the person I asked to marry me, into the selfish, self absorbed, stubborn, flaky teenager (she's in her 30's) that she became.

By this time we were intimate approx 2 - 3 times a year and every time it felt like she was going WAAAAY out of her way to even be with me. Our youngest daughter was conceived over two years ago and we haven't had sex since. Any effort on my part was met by nonstop rejection so I simply stopped trying.

After staying home with my daughters 2.5 years they went into daycare and I ramped up my freelance, and got a full time position again and FINALLY felt some self esteem seeping into my veins as I now had the opportunity to get back on my feet.

Summary
Needless to say that entire journey took a major toll on my marriage, but it also allowed me to see who I as actually married to. 

The circumstance was never really hard on my wife, she never had to worry about $, or her purpose or any of those things. It was only really hard on me, being laid off, giving up my career, my passion for something I had never done before, raising children full time. And my wife completely abandoned me. I was essentially knocked down flat and my new wife took that opportunity to kick me squarely in the teeth.

We still have ZERO intimacy and haven't for years. I have piles of resentment and contempt that my wife would give the well being of her husband, her children, and her marriage up for her ego and arrogance. 

I truly question if I want to invest any more of my time with someone who would abandon me at the drop of a hat, even though it would mean my children would go through the very thing I never wanted them to ever have to go through.

Thoughts?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Have you ever tried talking to her about any of this? Will she discuss it with you?

What do you think she'd say if you told her your marriage is in trouble and you are thinking about divorce? 

Would you be open to marriage counseling? A counselor can help with communication, which can help work through the resentments. But if your wife has just checked out of the marriage, then I don't know that counseling will do anything except make your thoughts clearer in your own mind.


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## controlledfreefall (Mar 24, 2013)

norajane said:


> Have you ever tried talking to her about any of this? Will she discuss it with you?
> 
> What do you think she'd say if you told her your marriage is in trouble and you are thinking about divorce?
> 
> Would you be open to marriage counseling? A counselor can help with communication, which can help work through the resentments. But if your wife has just checked out of the marriage, then I don't know that counseling will do anything except make your thoughts clearer in your own mind.


Thanks for the reply. 

We did see a counselor for a few months yet we didn't seem to get anywhere with it other than allow me to vent how I felt and work through many of my the emotions I was swimming through.

Initially I didn't really know why or what was happening, other than I felt really bad about my situation and my wife completely abandoned me. After a while it became the new norm and we just lived like roommates. I asked my wife many times 'why' and she doesn't have an explanation. Just that things 'changed'. I've since come to the simple conclusion that she has the maturity level of a flaky teenager when it comes to relationships. Its really that simple. Like someone in high school that gets bored in a relationship will sabotage it rather than address the real issues.

She doesn't acknowledge what she's done. Doesn't address it. Just acts like our marriage changed for some strange, ambiguous reason.

This lack of accountability is one of the few reasons I feel she isn't worth investing any more into as a partner. She doesn't even realize what she's done, much less apologize for it. If something arose in the future where we actually go through some tough times, for her, not just me. She would never have my back.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

A lot of the men here will tell you to read "Married Man Sex Life" in order to increase your self confidence and potentially raise your wife's attraction for you which she probably lost when you lost your job and she lost respect for you.

Frankly, I wouldn't bother because I couldn't live with someone after they treated me like that so yeah, I'd leave. But, you have kids, so it may be worth trying in order to feel better about yourself, better enough to know whether you are ready to run.


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## controlledfreefall (Mar 24, 2013)

norajane said:


> Frankly, I wouldn't bother because I couldn't live with someone after they treated me like that so yeah, I'd leave. But, you have kids, so it may be worth trying in order to feel better about yourself, better enough to know whether you are ready to run.


Trust me, if it were not for the kids, a few months of those BS antics and it would have been over.

Thats why I feel so extraordinarily conflicted. The last thing I ever would want is for my kids to go through what I did as a child, yet I have extreme contempt for my wife for making me consider that very thing.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think that your being laid off and the way it changed how you felt about yourself did indeed affect your wife. You seem to think that you are the only one who was affected. You were not.

You most likely changed in many ways when this happened. The changes in you did affect her. 

When you further stopped working to take care of your children, your family income fell by 2/3s (you said that you earned twice what she does.) While you staying home with the children might have made sense on one level, it seems to have causes more problems on other levels.

Your complete dismissal of any problems your wife probably has gone through during this time is not a good sign. Perhaps she sees you as being self-focused as well. It does sound like you are.

It would be very interesting to hear her side of things. Sometimes people will have their spouse join them here. I wonder if she would.

Your marriage is most likely can be saved. But it will take each of you acknowledging what the other has been through with all of this.


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## controlledfreefall (Mar 24, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I think that your being laid off and the way it changed how you felt about yourself did indeed affect your wife. You seem to think that you are the only one who was affected. You were not.
> 
> You most likely changed in many ways when this happened. The changes in you did affect her.
> 
> ...


I appreciate what you're saying. 

I did change during the initial ordeal. My self esteem and self purpose was challenged and it affected how I acted to some degree. But for my supposed life partner to completely abandon me during those time is simply unacceptable. She _should_ have supported me, tried to reassure me of my value, etc. Not REJECT me wholesale. Thats what a CRAPPY partner does. It made me feel 1000 times worse about myself.

As far as income, I still did freelance work during the evening after my children went to bed to provide enough to pay the mortgage, my phone and part of the CC bills. The increased pressure on my wife financially was miniscule.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

I can see how your wife could have built resentment against you since you were let go from your company. I'm not saying what she did was right, but when women lose the security a husband can provide through a good job, some of them start to think of you as less of a man. 



> My wife and I decided earlier that we didnt want to put our kids into daycare and would prefer one of us to stay with them, for at least the first year or so. We talked about it again and the decision was made that I would give up my career (making almost twice than my wife, no benefits) and stay home.
> 
> *This was the end of the transition of my wife from the person I asked to marry me, into the selfish, self absorbed, stubborn, flaky teenager (she's in her 30's) that she became.*


What I find troubling is that her personality changed to that of a more self absorbed, teenager (maybe a college kid???) once you gave up your career to stay at home and she started to work more out of the home. Did you do your due diligence to ensure that she is not cheating on you? Or are you having suspicions that she is cheating on you? Could it be possible that she has been having a long term affair and that your sex life dried up because of this?

I suspect your wife may be having an affair.


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

Brother, I am in the same boat.
No sex? For two years?!?!
I haven't gone that long but man, I didn't marry so I could have a roommate!

I don't have any advice to give out because I am in a similar situation.
I will be following your post though and the advice given to you.

Best o luck to us both


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## controlledfreefall (Mar 24, 2013)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> What I find troubling is that her personality changed to that of a more self absorbed, teenager (maybe a college kid???) once you gave up your career to stay at home and she started to work more out of the home. Did you do your due diligence to ensure that she is not cheating on you? Or are you having suspicions that she is cheating on you? Could it be possible that she has been having a long term affair and that your sex life dried up because of this?
> 
> I suspect your wife may be having an affair.


Yes, I thought the very same thing initially. We went round and round a few times regarding all the "red flags". Theres only so much you can do about this before the act of accusing starts to become a problem. I cant follow her all day so I looked into it as much as I could and let it go.


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## controlledfreefall (Mar 24, 2013)

Keepin-my-head-up said:


> Brother, I am in the same boat.
> No sex? For two years?!?!
> I haven't gone that long but man, I didn't marry so I could have a roommate!
> 
> ...


Good luck indeed. Life is too short to waste it with people who'd rather be somewhere else.


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## WTHISTHIS? (Dec 26, 2012)

I am in the same boat as well! In fact it has been 2 years since I had a hug or kiss. I am the only one working in the house and I work from home too BUT she is here and I may see her a couple of hours a day...mine sleeps, eats, plays on ipad and does NOTHING to help raise two kids and to at least contribute 50% to the household chores.

This has been going on for years, but last year I woke up finally and was able to see what was really going on. I tried having multiple conversations with her to express my feelings and its like no problem to her. 

I also come from a D family and know exactly what that can do to kids, but I also know what it is doing to them now. I suspected cheating with the red flags but never found enough for the "AH HA" moment.

So here I sit trying to make the best decision possible. I will be watching this thread eagerly


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

CFF, you saw red flags when you first met your wife but married her anyway. What were they? I think people reveal what they're really made of when under stress and even though you were the one laid off she couldn't be faulted for experiencing stress too. 

However, I agree with you that a mature person will not punish their spouse for being laid off. They should expect that you will be hurt, shocked, depressed by it and be extra supportive. The idea that you changed first which caused her to change doesn't make sense to me. 

Your one comment that I would take issue with was that being laid off was ONLY hard on you. It was hard on your wife too. No one knows how long it will take to find another job. Everyone knows that financial disaster can be the result of long unemployment. Knowing that that was a possible outcome could have been very hard on your wife. For people who worry excessively about even small things, something like that can be like a bomb going off in their brains.


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## controlledfreefall (Mar 24, 2013)

VermisciousKnid said:


> CFF, you saw red flags when you first met your wife but married her anyway. What were they? I think people reveal what they're really made of when under stress and even though you were the one laid off she couldn't be faulted for experiencing stress too.


The signs I saw were her just being arrogant and snobby towards me, making me feel bad about whatever situation we were in.




VermisciousKnid said:


> Your one comment that I would take issue with was that being laid off was ONLY hard on you. It was hard on your wife too. No one knows how long it will take to find another job. Everyone knows that financial disaster can be the result of long unemployment. Knowing that that was a possible outcome could have been very hard on your wife. For people who worry excessively about even small things, something like that can be like a bomb going off in their brains.


I appreciate what you're saying. I can see this, but still. I felt bad and she turned around and made me feel absolutely terrible....for YEARS. Its simply unacceptable and makes me resentful and closed off towards her to the point that I don't even want to be near her.


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