# Mental load



## maree (Jun 13, 2011)

My husband doesn't participate in any of the "cognitive labor" of running the house. I don't know if I can take it anymore, either.

My husband will do things around the house but only if I tell him to. He will cook dinner, but I have to plan every single meal we have. I have to make sure we have all the ingredients. 

We are building a new home. I have had to arrange EVERYTHING. Even things I would think him as a man would do. Such as getting a contractor to fix the flooring in our current house so we can sell it - I have to call these contractors and talk to them about tile, pricing, etc - I would think as a man he would do this. Buying all the moving boxes. Contacting the contractor for the new home. Even overseeing the new house, it is almost all on me. He will come with me and have some input but if I didn't say "let's go look at the work that's been done" he never would. I had to find our realtor, I've had to negotiate prices on things, I've had to complain to the builder when things stalled out, etc. -all on me. He just says "well I am fine staying where we are, you are the one who wants to move" to justify his lack of participating in this. 

Our 8 year old wants to go into jiu jitsu. I had to find the trainer, and yesterday I gave my husband the phone number and asked him to call. I had to tell him everything to ask. Well, they were closed by the time he called-and today, no word from my husband. I would think he would think about it and be like "hey maybe I should try that jiu jitsu place again" - but nope, I have to text him to make him call AGAIN. In between meetings and deadlines. 

I work full time, in a demanding career. 45-50 hours per week, and in the spring I work 70+ hours per week for busy season for 3 months straight. I feel excruciatingly overwhelmed all of the time. My husband works too, but he is not allowed to work overtime at his job. He has more time to do things, and his job is not deadline driven. I feel like he should be taking more of the mental load.

I've always been strong, and I am fairly independent, but I am getting tired. I've tried giving up in protest, thinking my husband does this because he figures I'll take care of it because I always have-but he has no issue living in filth. He will walk past huge piles of laundry, live off whatever crumbs he can find in the fridge, etc - before he plans anything. I have done this during my busy season and left it all on him, and gotten home at 9pm to find out he did not buy or make any dinner and had no plans to instead asking me "whats for dinner tonight?"

I just needed to vent a little bit I guess. I'm not sure there is anything that will make this better. I just wanted to see if any other women relate.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

maree said:


> My husband doesn't participate in any of the "cognitive labor" of running the house. I don't know if I can take it anymore, either.
> 
> My husband will do things around the house but only if I tell him to. He will cook dinner, but I have to plan every single meal we have. I have to make sure we have all the ingredients.
> 
> ...


I can understand the burden, but maybe he has a medical or psychological condition, like ADHD?

I suggest making a he list and she list that denotes responsibilities and expect him to live up to his end of the deal. He may not be the most motivated person or cognitively aware, but he certainly can check off a list himself without you having to check on him. 

I'm with you on this.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

maree said:


> My husband doesn't participate in any of the "cognitive labor" of running the house. I don't know if I can take it anymore, either.
> 
> My husband will do things around the house but only if I tell him to. He will cook dinner, but I have to plan every single meal we have. I have to make sure we have all the ingredients.
> 
> ...


And the worst part many partners don't recognize the cognitive part of the required chores as anything at all?

Right it isn't the same as mowing the lawn but there are much bigger consequences if you mess up how much mortgage you can afford or retirement. Or 'forget' to pay the bills. Balance the budget. 

I'm a planner and I know it can be exhausting.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

My exH was a passive, hands-off type (except at work). We both had demanding careers but his was more demanding so I ended up doing everything (or hiring someone to do what I couldn’t). I chose to only have one child because I felt that was all I could handle (in truth I always felt like I had two children). I divorced him for other reasons, long after I should have, but all of that was a huge source of resentment for decades. We discussed it many times and he always promised things would change but that never happened. He remarried the moment the divorce was final (couldn’t be alone for a moment) and I was curious to see how that would go. It went the same way my marriage had — he did nothing but work. That was who he was. IOW, some people will never change — it often comes down to accept it or move on.


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

Guy’s perspective. 

1) He likely feels emasculated. Sounds like you took over everything and now he feels an employee.

2) If all we see is you being a boss who’s over stressed and never happy no matter what we do, we withdraw or checkout. My wife becomes an autocratic matriarch under the same stressful conditions. She makes it all about her.

3) We also aren’t excited when an overwhelmed spouse intentionally takes on more things we consider optional or wastes of time and then blames us for not picking up the slack. 

Now that is no excuse. You’re a team. I get a lot of time home as a pilot so I intentionally serve my spouse when she’s working full-time. From laundry to “hey _blank_ is busted” it’s done and usually preemptively. But I could say the same about the mental load I carry. Once she’s off work, chores done, kiddos are good she switches fun, lifestyle upgrade mode (more stuff for me to do). Doesn’t give two sh*ts about my mental load.

Time for counseling as nagging never works. Also consider outside domestic help.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

If he does take initiative and do something, do you complain about it and point out that it wasn’t right? 

A guy will only put up with that so many times before he says - then YOU do it.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Your husband is not an active participant in the marriage. He is coasting. Wouldn't it be nice if we all had a mommy to take care of everything for us?

Try marriage counseling so you two can get on the same page.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> Your husband is not an active participant in the marriage. He is coasting. Wouldn't it be nice if we all had a mommy to take care of everything for us?
> 
> Try marriage counseling so you two can get on the same page.


Counselling to get to the root of the matter, whether it be immaturity or something else.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

maree said:


> My husband doesn't participate in any of the "cognitive labor" of running the house. I don't know if I can take it anymore, either.
> 
> My husband will do things around the house but only if I tell him to. He will cook dinner, but I have to plan every single meal we have. I have to make sure we have all the ingredients.
> 
> ...


one of three things is going on here:
1. He really doesn't care/ is lazy about it, nor bother until you force him (but he's aware)
2. He really has a mental impediment that does not allows him to comprehend correctly.
3. early on the relationship, you took over and became the de facto boss of the relationship and him being a resentful pushover has let you suffer for it as a response.

Which one is it? 1 and 3 are most likely tied together, either way you've let him slide it over to you as time passed. If # 2, then that's a problem and it requires professional help to check what can be done if anything at this stage.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Always been like this? Even when you married him?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> If he does take initiative and do something, do you complain about it and point out that it wasn’t right?
> 
> A guy will only put up with that so many times before he says - then YOU do it.





Rob_1 said:


> 3. early on the relationship, you took over and became the de facto boss of the relationship and him being a resentful pushover has let you suffer for it as a response.


If he is an otherwise functional adult and he has the initiative to do the things he wants to do and accomplish the things he is into, then my money is on this above.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

A couple of random thoughts from a lady who has been there:

- For whatever reason, he has decided that these things are just not that important to him. Just because it is important to you, does not mean he agrees with you and also sees the importance. Can you love him anyway?

- If this is a hard spot in your marriage, outsource everything that you possibly can to relieve that stress. 

- Women are often communal in how we approach a problem. We don't stand by and watch someone struggle with something, we swoop in to help. We are often attuned to others emotions. Men are not always this way. My husband will struggle through something without even letting me know he needs help. He would never dare ask. Conversely, he does not involve himself in other people's struggles and does not "see" the need to jump in and help because he would not expect that from anyone else (nor want it). So, two things here: He is likely struggling with his own stuff that you don't know anything about and may feel like his plate is already very full, but he would never tell you that. Second, if you absolutely need his help make sure your requests are specific and respectful of him. Don't let your frustration show right out of the gate, give him a chance to weigh what needs done and do it on his own time. 

- Divide and conquer. My husband and I do not do well with "shared" tasks because we each have very different ways of doing things and we each see the other persons way as "wrong". If you can step back and make an agreement with yourself that it does not matter HOW things get done, just that they DO get done by the deadline, then each of you take a few tasks from the list and agree on a deadline to get them done. Then walk away. Even if it drives you insane, even if he doesn't do things the way you would do them. I've had to do this with a lot of things because I needed to eliminate this source of stress in my marriage. For example; my son is an extra-curricular activity that he has done for years and the yearly enrollment dues need to be paid by this weekend. The organizers have been asking people for payment for weeks and are now reaching out to people individually begging for payment. Guess who hasn't paid dues yet? That's right - us. I hate being late with things and find it embarrassing but this particular activity is my husbands task, we decided that years ago, and therefore I do not meddle. I will not say anything to him about it and all the emails and texts I get to reach out for payment I just forward to him without responding. I have to put up that mental barrier because its HIS task, and he will handle it and I have to butt out. We agreed on that boundary and I am upholding it. 





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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Husband here. He sounds like a lazy slug. 🐌


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I do most of the mental load in my relatioship. But at least my husband recognizes it and appreciates it. 

I agree that this is something that seems to be building resentment for you. Anything that builds resentment should be tackled. Talked about. That doesn't mean he'll change in ways you want him to change but perhaps you two can find some middle ground. 

Like we all know the bills have to be paid but could they be on autopay? Can he relieve some of the other pressure like cook more. Can you ask him to learn how to build a shopping list based on need?

If he doesn't, then make the week repetitive, just eat the same stuff which means buy the same stuff.

As far a jujitsu goes that is something I"d totally put on him. Let him know you are leaving that in his hands. Anytime the 8 year old asks say ask dad he's in charge of that.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Sit down together and agree on who does what. Write it down and put the list somewhere where you will both see it.
If he doesn't do something then resist the temptation to do it yourself. Maybe one calm reminder and that's it. If he does something dont criticise him.


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