# Should I contact my almost daughter to be



## rockon (May 18, 2016)

Quick recap:

I was engaged to what I thought was a wonderful woman, only problem was she liked to have boyfriends on the side. Dumped her 6 years ago. She had a daughter. Was 3 years old when we got together. I had a very close relationship with her daughter, loved her like she was my own. I was the only man she called dad, I miss her to this day. When we got married I was planning to legally adopt her.

Now my question.

Against my better judgment I looked online and found she (the daughter) has a Facebook page. She is now 14 and seeing pictures of her ripped my heart to pieces. She is a beautiful young lady. 

I am seriously temped to contact her to see how she is doing and how her life is. I understand I will be opening Pandoras box by doing this but absolutely would love to talk to her. She will tell her mom (would not pee on her if she was on fire) but the urge to contact her is, well.....overwhelming. 

Should I contact her or just let it go? 

I understand I am opening a door that might be a world of pain but if I do nothing will I regret it later?

Thank you for any responses, I am really torn apart by this decision.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I just see issues written all over this. Stay away.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

How long did you know here or what age was she when she last knew you? If you where only with her for a few years she will have little memory of you. But they might be good ones--notwithstanding you abandoning her (which is how her mother will have explained it). 

Whatever you do, don't call a 14 yr old girl up and tell her you left her mother because she was a *****--which is exactly how it will sound unless you want to play along with the story that you abandoned her.

And of course you have no business contacting her without first speaking to her parent(s) at 14. 

My advice, let her go. The scenarios where your contact is positive are very scant. Maybe shoot her a note in 4-5 years when she is an adult. It will go very fast.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

No. Wait til she is 18.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

You should absolutely stay away unless you _happen_ to notice a 'see something - say something' situation. She is not your daughter. I know you have parent-like feelings for her, but you're not involved and you haven't been for a huge chunk of development for her.


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## rockon (May 18, 2016)

turnera said:


> I just see issues written all over this. Stay away.


My brain is telling me this the but the love I had (have?) is telling me differently.

Damn emotions.


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## rockon (May 18, 2016)

ScrambledEggs said:


> How long did you know here or what age was she when she last knew you?
> 
> And of course you have no business contacting her without first speaking to her parent(s) at 14.
> 
> Maybe shoot her a note in 4-5 years when she is an adult. It will go very fast.


I knew her from 3 years old till 8. I was very close in her life, I don't think she would forget the bond we had.

You said I have no business contacting her without first speaking to her parents at 14 was big slap in the face (a good one). Thank you. 

I'm going to wait till she is 18 and try then.


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## newmarriageguy (Dec 16, 2016)

As most users here have stated do not contact he even if you hold those parental feelings toward her, because it may not work out in your favor. It might seem like you are contacting a minor for other reasons (sexual and other things), as people have wicked minds and once the ex finds out you have contacted her daughter she will not be pleased from my point of view. It is best to stay away from her until she is of legal age and is able to legally contact who ever she wants. 

I have a similar situation to related with you as when my brother got divorced to his ex wife, my two nieces were left with their mom (whom she hated me for no reason other than to be my brother's brother)...to not make story long one day one of my nieces called me (like she 14), because she was stranded like at 1am somewhere and asked me to please go pick them up and I did, drive them home and so on. The following day the mother called me and I thought it was to say thank you and wish happy new year, instead it was *****ing at me as to why I had gone to pick up her daughter and where else I had taking her and this were my neices, my family. I felt so bad as I saw right in there this person had no good intentions for me and could even accuse me of doing something to her daughters (my neices). So I had a n uncle talk with them and explained to them how their mom had berated me over the phone and we agree I would stay away from them until they were 18 years and of legal age, but told them I always loved them and no matter what we were family and no one would be able to take that away. Fast track many years now, and they are both adults, going to college, we have such a beautiful relationship with my neices. The oldest one spent Christmas Eve at our house with my wife and family, and anything they can both do for me they are always there for me and vice versa and the best part they are now both adults and no body can force them to do otherwise something different. 

Trust me if she (this girl you refer to that you hold such good parental feelings) holds feelings for you and appreciates all you did for her she will never forget and you will always have a daughter (may not be biological), but it doesn't matter. Just give it time and in another 4 years she will be an adult and explain to her as to why you thought it was best to stay away while she was still a minor because you couldn't make contact with her being the fact that you were not her biological dad. 

Let me ask, where is her biological father? Did he just walk away?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Better to wait until she's no longer a minor. But when you do contact her in the future, you need to be prepared if she doesn't remember you as fondly (or as well) as you remember her. She may resent you for dropping out of her life (even though you had no legal right to be in it). Anything's possible. Just make sure you're okay with whatever outcome could happen before you take that step.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

rockon said:


> I knew her from 3 years old till 8. I was very close in her life, I don't think she would forget the bond we had.
> 
> You said I have no business contacting her without first speaking to her parents at 14 was big slap in the face (a good one). Thank you.
> 
> I'm going to wait till she is 18 and try then.


Good call. 

There is no reason you can't start now. Write here a letter or make a vlog once a year (on her birthday?) to hand it all over to her when she is 18. Don't make it creepy or too personal/emotional though. 

Just showing back up in someones life can be trigger a negative reaction so some tangelble sincerity on your part might help.


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## rockon (May 18, 2016)

newmarriageguy said:


> *Trust me if she (this girl you refer to that you hold such good parental feelings) holds feelings for you and appreciates all you did for her she will never forget and you will always have a daughter (may not be biological), but it doesn't matter*.
> 
> Let me ask, where is her biological father? Did he just walk away?


I have to admit the bold above brought a tear to my eye. I hope she does.

Her biological father walked out. The protection they used failed (condom). She was pregnant and he promised to be there for her. One day he went to work and never came back.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Not trying to seem heartless (although I probably do) but if she hasn't made an effort to contact YOU, then I would definitely hold off for now. I'm assuming your ex knew some way to contact you for a while after you split? 

If her daughter wanted to get in touch she would have. Maybe she was dissuaded by her mother. It's hard to say without knowing the circumstances better, but I'd think a parent would NOT encourage emotional tethers to stay between their children and ex partners. 

Reaching out to her at 18 is more sensible. 

Sometimes relationships of all sorts are meant to be transitory, not permanent. Doesn't make it any easier on the emotions, unfortunately, but it has been my reality.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

rockon said:


> I knew her from 3 years old till 8. I was very close in her life, I don't think she would forget the bond we had.
> 
> You said I have no business contacting her without first speaking to her parents at 14 was big slap in the face (a good one). Thank you.
> 
> I'm going to wait till she is 18 and try then.


That's probably the best thing, although feelings may not be mutual by then. She may just remember you as a dad that forgot about her. It's too bad that her mother's infidelity caused this to happen.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Send her a email if you want from a burner account, but don't give her a way to contact her, tell her you will if she wants when she is 18. You can tell her that you always loved her as your daughter and you still do but when the time comes it will entirely be up to her if she wants to have a relationship with her.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

No way. Can you imagine what an emotional 14 year old girl would do with that information?


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## newmarriageguy (Dec 16, 2016)

rockon said:


> I have to admit the bold above brought a tear to my eye. I hope she does.
> 
> 
> 
> Her biological father walked out. The protection they used failed (condom). She was pregnant and he promised to be there for her. One day he went to work and never came back.




How sad he just went to work one day and never came back. I don't understand why some parents would do that and not be responsible for their children. Sounds like an accident he had by not using protection. I hope some day you'll be able to hug her and tell her how much you care for this girl. 


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

rockon said:


> Quick recap:
> 
> I was engaged to what I thought was a wonderful woman, only problem was she liked to have boyfriends on the side. Dumped her 6 years ago. She had a daughter. Was 3 years old when we got together. I had a very close relationship with her daughter, loved her like she was my own. I was the only man she called dad, I miss her to this day. When we got married I was planning to legally adopt her.
> 
> ...


Don't. Please don't.

She might not even recognise you, now.

Let sleeping dogs lie.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

What a heartbreaking story. I feel for you man.

I think it's in her best interest if you stay away- for now. It may have taken her a long time to recover from losing you in her life after your breakup with her mother, don't open those old wounds.

I agree waiting until she turns 18 is an appropriate option.

Do you know what ever happened to your ex? Did she ever find anyone else, get married?


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## rockon (May 18, 2016)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Do you know what ever happened to your ex? Did she ever find anyone else, get married?


Not sure what really happened after we broke up but I'm positive she had another man very quickly. 

Her (the daughter) Facebook page stated they live in Denver now but little information beyond that.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

IDK, even if she were 18, you would be a vague memory as a lot of her development is without you. By the time she is 18, how important you would be her is uncertain. If you want to risk the hurt then perhaps.

If she ever has found new male models, or a new father figure, what type of relationship would you realistically want then? By the time you contact her, she would be fully near maturity.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@rockon

I have some personal knowledge here.

I dated a woman who had a young daughter. I doted on her daughter and started to bond with her, quite heavily.

Her mother was my girlfriend who dumped me for a con artist. 

Losing her daughter ripped my heart out.

Several years later, by chance, I met mother and daughter.

Her daughter didn't even have a clue who I was.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Write a card to her on her birthdays and Christmas. Save them in a box. Put some contemporaneous memories in there too.

You'll feel better letting it out.

After she's 18, reconsider your options. Oh - and before you sent anything at that point, read it first. It might not sound then like what you think it does now 


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## rockon (May 18, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> @rockonHer daughter didn't even have a clue who I was.


That is so sad. 

I have decided I will not contact her and am having second (and third) thoughts about contacting her when she is 18. It will 10+ years when she turns 18 that I have not been in her life. 

Time to just move on. I wish I never found her Facebook page.

Thank you to everyone who commented.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

We took DD26 to Disneyworld/Disney cruise when she was 10. She doesn't even remember the trip.


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

turnera said:


> No way. Can you imagine what an emotional 14 year old girl would do with that information?


This was actually my first thought.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

Satya said:


> Sometimes relationships of all sorts are meant to be transitory, not permanent. Doesn't make it any easier on the emotions, unfortunately, but it has been my reality.


 Nicely put. That's a profound and sad truth. Part of the mystery of life.


@rockon I think what you did by being a dad to this little girl was wonderful. You were there when she was at a very impressionable age. And even if her recollections of the details of your interactions with her blur with time.....the positive emotional sustenance you gave her will be with her always. I know of what I speak. Bless you.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

notmyrealname4 said:


> Nicely put. That's a profound and sad truth. Part of the mystery of life.
> 
> 
> @rockon I think what you did by being a dad to this little girl was wonderful. You were there when she was at a very impressionable age. And even if her recollections of the details of your interactions with her blur with time.....the positive emotional sustenance you gave her will be with her always. I know of what I speak. Bless you.


This ^^^

A positive part of her experience and being is your doing even if she does not realize it. And if it helps, not wrecking her world for your own gratification, now or later, is a perfect example of self less love.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

If you were logged onto FB under your main account when you looked her up you will likely pop up into her suggested friends feed. So you may have already opened pandora's box... OTOH if that happens you may find out where you stand with her either way, but like the others suggest I would absolutely not initiate any further contact, and if she ends up contacting you proceed cautiously. There is potential to cause enormous emotional strain on her particularly if you are not in a place to have a functional relationship to her at all.


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