# Constant verbal abuse, do I stay or should I just walk away?!



## taffyc (Mar 18, 2016)

Been with my husband 5 years and married 2 years next month and the whole time the way he speaks to me and treats me has been less than desirable. Daily name calling and speaking to me in a belittling tone has left me empty and withdrawn from our marriage and I'm at the point of walking away. Our eldest child who's 3 has even started calling me names ( the ones my husband uses towards me ) and it breaks my heart that she has been exposed to that now. Do I stay and defend myself ( I used to, but don't have the strength anymore too ) or should I just walk away from the marriage and salvage any last dignity I have left?? 


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Why would you even consider staying in a marriage when you are treated this way?

Not only are you being abused, but so is your child. She is learning how to be abusive ... and yes that is a form of abuse. The best thing you could do for your daughter is to leave him and tell her that the reason you left is that he was abusive.

I was married to a man who treated me like that. Like you child, my son started to say the awful things that his father said to me. I asked my son why he was doing that. This is right before I filed for divorce. His response was, "Well daddy does it." I told my son that I was leaving his father because his father was abusive of both me and him (my son)... and that he, my son, needed to stop acting like his father because if he did not I would be forced to leave him too. That was the last time my son copied his father's abuse.

My son's 27 now... he's a great young man who leaned that abuse is not acceptable. Why not do the same for your daughter. Show her what a strong woman does when she's abuse..... leave.


A good book on the topic of abuse is "Why does he do that". You would benefit from reading it.

.


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

taffyc said:


> Been with my husband 5 years and married 2 years next month and the whole time the way he speaks to me and treats me has been less than desirable. Daily name calling and speaking to me in a belittling tone has left me empty and withdrawn from our marriage and I'm at the point of walking away. Our eldest child who's 3 has even started calling me names ( the ones my husband uses towards me ) and it breaks my heart that she has been exposed to that now. Do I stay and defend myself ( I used to, but don't have the strength anymore too ) or should I just walk away from the marriage and salvage any last dignity I have left??
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Drain the bank account and get out. Go to a domestic violence shelter and seek an order of emergency protection. Start the proceedings for divorce. Get your eldest into play therapy so that the repeating abusive names is documented. If play therapy is not available go to The Bridge, or whatever they call a forensic interviewer there. He is not too far away from physical abuse and, as you have seen, the 3 y.o. is a walking DVR and will learn all about that, too.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Call 911 and they will help you get away.

If you are afraid your internet usage might be monitored call the national domestic violence hotline at 1 800 799 7233.

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It is very hard to leave a marriage. Boy do I know that from experience. There is a way to make it easier… having a plan and having a strong support system. Just work your plan one step at a time. That way you are not look at a huge problem. Instead you are looking at small steps. 

If you search on the internet for "domestic abuse exit plan" or "domestic abuse safety plan" a lot will come up that you can look over. The one below is one that I added some things to base on my own experience.

Get a support system:



Find a local organization that provides counseling and help for victims of domestic abuse (emotional and physical). Get into counseling with them. They will have sliding scale counseling.


Also check into legal aid in your area.



Talk to attorneys and do research on the internet to find out your rights in divorce. Be informed. Check out legal aid in your area. Ask the domestic abuse organization if they have a list of attorneys who do pro-bono work or very low fee work and how specialize in cases of divorce with domestic abuse. Most will have such a list. Many attorneys will give a half hour free consultation. If you have a good list of questions, you can learn about your rights and how the local court system handles specific issues. You might even find an attorney that you really like.


Let a trusted family member, friend, coworker or neighbors know your situation. Develop a plan for when you need help; code words you can text if in trouble, a visual signal like a porch light: on equals no danger, off equals trouble. 


Set up a ‘safe address’ and ‘safe storage space’. If you have a trusted friend/family-member, ask them if you can use their address for some things and if you can store some things at their place… like a box of important papers. If you do not have someone who will help you out in this way, rent a PO Box and a small storage space. Use the ‘safe addresses for your mail. Use the ‘safe storage space’ to keep important things you will need like:



your mail from the ‘safe address’


All account info and ATM card for your personal checking account


Copies of all financial paperwork, filed tax forms, etc.


Certified copies of birth certificates, marriage license, passports, 


Car title, social security cards, credit cards, 


Citizenship documents (such as your passport, green card, etc.) 


Titles, deeds and other property information 


Medical records


Children's school and immunization records


Insurance information


Verification of social security numbers Make sure you know your husband’s Social Security Number and your son’s. 


Welfare identification


Valued pictures, jewelry or personal possessions

Your safety Plan: this is so that you can leave immediately if things get out of hand.


Know the phone number to your local battered women's shelter. 


Keep your cell phone on you at all times for dialing 911. It’s best to dial 911. You need to establish a record of his abuse. So call 911 and start creating that record. If you think that it is not safe for you to leave, ask the 911 operator to send the police so that they can ensure your and your child’s safety when you leave.


If you are injured, go to a doctor or an emergency room and report what happened to you. Ask that they document your visit. 


Keep a journal of all violent incidences, noting dates, events and threats made. 


Keep any evidence of physical abuse, such as pictures. 


You can get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and keep it on you at all times when you are around your husband. This way you can get recordings of the abuse. 


Plan with your children and identify a safe place for them. Reassure them that their job is to stay safe, not to protect you.


If you need to sneak away, be prepared. Make a plan for how and where you will escape. 


Back your car into the driveway, and keep it fueled. Keep your driver's door unlocked and other doors locked for a quick escape. 


Hide an extra set of car keys. 


Set money aside. Open a checking account in your name only and put your paycheck (or a portion of it) in that account. Do not use the address of the home you live in with him for this checking account. Use your ”safe address” to the account and keep all of the paperwork related to the account in your “safe storage space”. 


Pack a bag. Include an extra set of keys, IDs, car title, birth certificates, social security cards, credit cards, marriage license, clothes for yourself and your children, shoes, medications, banking information, money" anything that is important to you. Store them at a trusted friend or neighbor's house. Try to avoid using the homes of next-door neighbors, close family members and mutual friends. 


Take important phone numbers of friends, relatives, doctors, schools, etc. 


Know abuser's schedule and safe times to leave. 


Be careful when reaching out for help via Internet or telephone. Erase your Internet browsing history, websites visited for resources, e-mails sent to friends/family asking for help. If you called for help, dial another number immediately after in case abuser hits redial. 


Create a false trail. Call motels, real estate agencies and schools in a town at least six hours away from where you plan to relocate.

After Leaving the Abusive Relationship 

If you get a restraining order, and the offender is leaving: 



Change your locks and phone number. 


Change your work hours and route taken to work. 


Change the route taken to transport children to school. 



Keep a certified copy of your restraining order with you at all times. 


Inform friends, neighbors and employers that you have a restraining order in effect. 


Give copies of the restraining order to employers, neighbors and schools along with a picture of the offender. 



Call law enforcement to enforce the order. 


If you leave: 


Consider renting a post office box or using the address of a friend for your mail. Be aware that addresses are on restraining orders and police reports. Be careful to whom you give your new address and phone number. 


Change your work hours, if possible. 


Alert school authorities of the situation. 


Consider changing your children's schools. 


Reschedule appointments if the offender is aware of them. 


Use different stores and frequent different social spots. 


Alert neighbors, and request that they call the police if they feel you may be in danger. 


Talk to trusted people about the violence. 


Replace wooden doors with steel or metal doors. Install security systems if possible. Install a motion sensitive lighting system. 


Tell people you work with about the situation and have your calls screened by one receptionist if possible. 


Tell people who take care of your children who can pick up your children. Explain your situation to them and provide them with a copy of the restraining order. 


Call the telephone company to request caller ID. Ask that your phone number be blocked so that if you call anyone, neither your partner nor anyone else will be able to get your new, unlisted phone number.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

What your child witnesses will be the way he will treat his wife, or how a girl will feel she should be treated. For your sake and the best interests of your child I would highly suggest that you get out of that relationship. Seek counseling if you are in doubt. You should not be treated this way. Your self-esteem will only continue to suffer.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

taffyc said:


> Been with my husband 5 years and married 2 years next month and the whole time the way he speaks to me and treats me has been less than desirable. Daily name calling and speaking to me in a belittling tone has left me empty and withdrawn from our marriage and I'm at the point of walking away. Our eldest child who's 3 has even started calling me names ( the ones my husband uses towards me ) and it breaks my heart that she has been exposed to that now. Do I stay and defend myself ( I used to, but don't have the strength anymore too ) or should I just walk away from the marriage and salvage any last dignity I have left??
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Individuals give emotional poison, so as to elicit a negative emotional reaction within others. They do so, for various reasons. It is often because they feel that person deserves to feel pain. It could also be because they want to decrease the pain that they feel. When you understand that it is only a tool, then you can start to see the underlying mechanism.

So what do you do? Well, you do the same thing whether this relationship ends in divorce or not.

With a few types of responses, you can completely disarm him.

Him: "You are stupid, why did you do that?"
You: "That's interesting. Why would you say that?"
Him: "What?
or
Him: "You did xyz..., are you insane?"
You: "What about doing xyz did you dislike?"
Him: negative response
You: "You feel that I am stupid, because I did xyz, is that correct?"

It is slightly more in depth than this, but you get the idea. Very powerful way of disarming *verbally *abusive spouses. If he has any propensity of giving physical harm, then your concern should be distance, not deflection of insults.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

He's not going to change until you leave him. Of that I am certain.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Oh, and he will be SHOCKED when you do. Of that I have ZERO doubt.


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## taffyc (Mar 18, 2016)

Thank you all for your help and advice. I left yesterday with girls whilst he was at work and I am currently residing with family members till I can make my own way. Unfortunately I don't have any money to my name at the moment as he's the bread winner and it's his money. now I need to go back to work and find care for my two girls. Time to start over!! 


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

You're entitled to support. Right now, this is NOT domestic violence. Associating verbally abusive behavior with unlawful assault is incorrect.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

It's both of your money. Go to a lawyer and they will tell you that everything is split between you two. Get a job definitely, but it's not his money.
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