# I want to die right now



## Stephanie.Jackson

I have my husband's facebook password and him and his ex-best friend's ex girlfriend were meeting up last week 3 hours away for drinks to talk about my affair.
He went to Ft. Worth again yesterday and I checked his FB account and this same girl sent him a list of hotels in Galveston to check out. I called him and asked if they were a couple and he said no but we will talk about it later because they were together right now.
So i texted him and he said they are NOT a couple but he enjoys talking to her and that the hotel thing was because him and his best friend and his wife were looking into going to galveston for a short vacation and him and this other lady were thinking about going with.

I am so hurt. I know I caused this and I had the affair, but the fact that he's doing this within 12 days makes me wonder if this marriage was even that important to him to begin with. I feel like killing myself honestly, mainly because i am trying everything I can to be the best wife possible and I'm about to move out of this apt and into my old house with him and force myself to be there. I am so hurt. I feel like an idiot for saying that but the tears are coming down so hard right now and I am in a crazy amount of pain thinking of them out to dinner together right now. I am calling an on-post chaplain cause I don't trust myself right now.


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## keko

Give him some space. You had a 10 month long affair and you're hurt because of his actions after 12 days?


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## Stephanie.Jackson

Yes, that is exactly why I am hurt. I feel like I've been led on and he had zero intentions of making it work and I've done all this for nothing.


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## joe kidd

> makes me wonder if this marriage was even that important to him to begin with.


 He is probably wondering the same of you.


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## keko

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> Yes, that is exactly why I am hurt. I feel like I've been led on and he had zero intentions of making it work and I've done *all this *for nothing.


What exactly have you done in these 12 days?


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## MattMatt

> I am so hurt


Yep. When the one you love cheats on you, it hurts like a b*tch, doesn't it?


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## MyselfAgain

If you have to "force" yourself to move back home, then why are you even considering it? No wonder your H feels unloved.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Paladin

He said they were not a couple, take him at his word. In order for him to figure out if he still wants to be your husband, he has to try and live his life. That includes going out and meeting new people to see how it feels. There are consequences to the actions people take, this is the consequence for your infidelity. The man you love, who is 100x more hurt than you are right now, is with someone other than you.

A few days ago you said you were willing to do whatever it took. Now you are talking about killing yourself. Show some backbone and tough it out. He has given you no reason to doubt his word, so do what you have to do. Pray with the chaplain, pray by yourself, meditate, reflect on what you did and how it made him feel. Use this time to try and understand the situation and how serious it actually is. 

The fact that he is still talking to you at all is a gift. Try and see the positive in that.


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## Stephanie.Jackson

When I say I am going to force myself back into the house, it's not that I don't want to be there. I want more than anything to be there. He told me if I want any chance at reconciliation that I need to move out, so I got an apartment the very next day.

I believe that they aren't a couple but they are planning on getting a hotel room together on a vacation we planned together. I am sure by whatever time this vacation happens, they will be in the same room.

The chaplain said we need to go to counseling together immediately and he wants to do it monday. I don't know how I can get my husband into counseling with me.


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## Stephanie.Jackson

keko said:


> What exactly have you done in these 12 days?


Seriously? I have moved out like he asked, I have given him an account that has my phone gps on it so he can monitor me whenever. I have gone to a counselor and one who I thought wasn't good enough and so I went and got a second counselor who is highly recommended to work with us. I've gotten books on ways to make this better. I have come to you guys for any other kind of help to make this easier and nobody could answer it for me. I AM DOING ALL THAT I CAN RIGHT NOW.


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## ImpossibleOutcome

Ask him. I would be ecstatic if my wife would join me in going to MC after her EA
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Numb in Ohio

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> The chaplain said we need to go to counseling together immediately and he wants to do it monday. I don't know how I can get my husband into counseling with me.




Maybe he wished you'd of tried counseling before an affair?


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## joe kidd

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> Seriously? I have moved out like he asked, I have given him an account that has my phone gps on it so he can monitor me whenever. I have gone to a counselor and one who I thought wasn't good enough and so I went and got a second counselor who is highly recommended to work with us. I've gotten books on ways to make this better. I have come to you guys for any other kind of help to make this easier and nobody could answer it for me. I AM DOING ALL THAT I CAN RIGHT NOW.


It still might not be enough. You have to come to terms with the real possibility that he may not want to stay married. If you do stay together it will most likely take him years to get over it. Right now you are going to have to find some backbone. Long hard road ahead. I'm not trying to be mean but, you paved it now walk it.


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## warlock07

He is protecting his heart in some sense. No, I don't mean to say that he is right. Maybe you guys should discuss exclusivity and dating other people in your talks. I think he still considers himself single.


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## warlock07

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> Yes, that is exactly why I am hurt. I feel like I've been led on and he had zero intentions of making it work and I've done all this for nothing.


he is not in the same place as you mentally!! Also stop having sex until he commits back to the relationship.


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## Chaparral

Why do you want him now when you didn't before? Are you sure its not just because he may not want you?


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## Stephanie.Jackson

Well both my parents (Whom divorced 2 years ago) are in the car to give me company and drink together and decide what our plan of action is going to be. Up until my husband called me 15 minutes ago, we all decided that I am going to say f*ck it and move back into the house because this whole living separately thing is NOT working and what else do I have to lose at this point.
Now when my husband called, I got even more confused (but it stopped the endless bawling/crying/cussing/screaming)

H: So what did you want to talk about?
Me: Are you and Angela trying to be a couple?
H: No.
Me: Do you have feelings for her at all?
H: No, I just enjoy talking to her.
Me: When are yall planning this vacation for?
H: Oh we were just all 4 discussing it, no set date just getting ideas and stuff.
Me: And you think it's okay to share a hotel room with this woman right now?
H: I haven't really thought into it much. It's all just ideas and starting to plan things, nothing more. How did the conversation with the chaplain go?
Me: He said you and I need to come in on Monday and we all three need to have a discussion.
H: What chaplain was it?
Me: The division chaplain.
H: Oh SH*T okay so I pretty much really have to come in. Can we do it Tuesday because I am off Monday and that's when I will be coming into town.
Me: That's fine. Now here's the thing. I know you wish I weren't your wife, but I am. And I know you aren't giving a reconciliation a second thought, but I am. And as your wife I feel that even though I messed up majorly, you need to work on this, even if just a little, so we have no regrets because you're being very vague and sending mixed messages. I am doing all I can and you aren't doing anything at all in any direction except maybe against the marriage, but yet won't give me the final "leave me alone forever" text.
H: Oh okay so you messed up, but I have to work on this marriage to fix it? Why do I have to work to fix something I never wanted broken?
Me: No, I am taking that burden and willing to do the heavy lifting in this. But you need to help in other ways. Until you give me a final answer at least, you need to put in some effort. 
H: Like what?
Me: I need you to come to counseling with me. Not just this chaplain thing here in a few days, I need you to come with me to all my counseling sessions until you tell me to f*ck off for good.
H: That sounds okay with me.

Then his phone died. SO wow I am shocked, I am getting my wish to have MC together! When just like 4 days ago he said no, not for a very long time, if even then. Now my problem is, do I still put myself into the house or do I stay here in this apartment 3 miles away? Or do I wait for the chaplain appt tuesday? My parents said I should move into the house (before I told them about this phone convo) but they will keep this apartment open in case it goes sour I will always have a place to live. My goal is to get him to stop detaching himself from our marriage and me, and get him to the point where any vacation with any woman besides me is just awkward and feels wrong.


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## Paladin

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> ...Now my problem is, do I still put myself into the house or do I stay here in this apartment 3 miles away? Or do I wait for the chaplain appt tuesday?


Did he ask you to move out? Has he asked you to move back in?



Stephanie.Jackson said:


> ... My goal is to get him to stop detaching himself from our marriage and me, and get him to the point where any vacation with any woman besides me is just awkward and feels wrong.


Your goal should be to understand why you cheated on him. You can not control what he does, and attempting to do so will only make things worse. You do have a valid point about wanting to protect a relationship from problems, such as your H spending time with a single woman alone, but that assumes the relationship actually exists in some meaningful way. Unfortunately, your relationship with your H is in limbo, therefore not subject to typical standards and protections. If he decides to truly give you a chance and goes the R route, then you can focus on defending the relationship. Best of luck to you.


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## Stephanie.Jackson

Well actually my main goal is to get our marriage back on track. But I need to do the other stuff to get there. Here's the thing though. I am in an awkward position right now. I can't be all like "quit talking to other females, you're still married" because of what I did obviously. But him telling me there is a teeny tiny bit of hope for us, then going out with a female friend, isn't helping anything. I feel though that since he hasn't told me to go away, he owes our marriage something until that point. I would love to ask him to remain free of female friends until that point, but don't know if that's inappropriate. 

He said to me that if I want any chance in this relationship being fixed, I need to move out. So I did. He said he needed to clear his mind and he's afraid that if we live in the same household, i will "pressure" him to be with me. My intentions were to just live life the way I am living it here in this apartment and hope he decides to work on us with me. I wasn't going to sit there and say "you have to be with me or else". But this chaplain we are seeing on Tuesday is very much wanting us to live together and so I am hoping having such a respectable figure tell him this will make me not look like such a bad guy for moving in (i am moving back after the tuesday appt I've decided). At least I will have someone else in front of him agreeing that I should. Absolutely nothing good is coming from me in this apartment. Well, before this other female, i was doing okay and focusing on me and I thought him and I were making progress but apparently not quite the progress I was hoping for.

I am so confused. Just the other day he said he wasn't looking for a relationship, he doesn't trust ANY females now, and he's stuck on me. He tells me today he has no feelings for her and they aren't having sex (however its been 5 hours since his phone died and it hasn't been back on since, i am hoping it means he fell asleep, but my emotions and anxiety are thinking omg what if he is with her again). So WHAT is he doing or what are his motives if he isn't trying to be in a relationship or have sex with her? Is he lying?


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## aug

He could be on a rollercoaster of emotions because of you. If so, do not expect consistency.


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## YellowRoses

Stephanie , you need to take your finger off the fast forward button

You can't expect a 'forever' solution to a 10m affair in a matter of days

I am a BS - if my inlaws were conspiring with my WS to force me either back into or fully out of the marriage within DAYS I would run for the hills and probably tell them all to go to H

What? You've been in the apartment 4 days and can't hack it

He is going to test out his feelings about you in lots of ways and he might be testing your feelings too. Try and think about his point of view as much as yourself which you seem to find impossible - that's when your youth comes shouting off these pages

His answers are all as good as they can be for now

You need to listen to everyone telling you that TIME is needed here, again your struggle with that fact is a sign of a very young person

Don't take offence at being called young - you ARE young. You need to be older to look back and know that you WERE young. Perspective changes as you get older. Its to do with each year being a smaller proportion of the whole time you've lived. Just like for a 5y old a day is forever, for an oldie like me , a year is not very long.

He may be done with marriage, he may not but you cannot FORCE an outcome - he will not live in a sealed off marriage fixing bubble with you , there will be outside challenges and influences and things for you to get your head around. He may want revenge, he may want to level the playing field , he may want to punish..... and tomorrow he might not

Its called a rollercoaster for a very good reason and he can't be the only one on it. You're in the next seat I'm afraid


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## cj9947

Practice using the "I" pronoun instead of the "He" pronoun. Some examples;

"I" need to learn why and how "I" could do what "I" did.
"I" have to become the wife "I" should have been.
"I" have to make sure this never happens again.
"I" have to let go of my selfishness.
"I" have to be a truth teller.
"I" have to stop whining and suck it up.
"I" have to apologize to everyone I have let down.
"I" have to be patient.
"I" have to swallow my pride.
"I" have to accept my marriage will never be the same.
"I" have to accept "I" may have destroyed my marriage.


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## happyman64

Steph,

Patience............

If you push him too fast he is going to tell you to f*ck off.

Slow down girl.

Do not move back in yet. If he has asked for space you have to give it to him.

And yes, him going to MC with you via the chaplain is big. Take it as a smalll step forward.

And you have to be honest with him and get him to be honest with you but you have been out of his life for 8 months. I am sure you kept in contact but you did move in with the OM. So I am sure he has a few gf's.

Just ask him to be honest. Do not harp on him or pester him.

It is up to you to prove yourself.

And you know what, no comments like you want to kill yourself to him, to family or to us. You caused this rift in your marriage, you have taken the chance to get your husband back which is commendable so put your big girl panties on and start the fight for your husband honorably.

No crying wolf. If you are upset or need to vent do it here.

I think you are doing great so far but not so fast or you are going to scare him away.

HM64


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## snap

Stephanie, I have to admit I don't like you (or at least the part of your person that I see here online), but what your H is doing is overstepping the bounds and potentially similarly despicable.

I beg to differ with folks here, his actions are a red flag. I could see hanging out with a female friend for support, but booking hotels together with ex-firends ex-gf sounds too much like revenge affair.

Please point him to this forum.


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## YellowRoses

Yes he might be trying out other relationships

BUT his bounds and her bounds haven't been the same for a long time. He isn't on the same page as her right now. He may well consider himself single with Steph now in the pool with other available women.

It might be revenge, it might be a 'test' - who knows right now ?

You can't analyse the words and opinions of a BS on a single day and think they will hold.


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## snap

If he considers himself single, he should just tell her so. It's not like he has no reasons to part his way, after all.


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## MattMatt

Stephanie, if your husband is having a revenge affair, he might afterwards need a lot of help and support from you.

I drifted into a revenge affair after my wife was unfaithful, though I did not realise that was what it was until, well, until I came here, years later.

But when I realised how I had hurt my wife, my self and the OW (she was not innocent by any means, but still got hurt by me) I had a kind of a breakdown.

My wife was kind, brave and good enough to help me through it.

If it comes to that situation Stephanie, can you do that for your man, if he needs you to? I do hope so.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Why should he work on the marriage? Why?

My ex h had slept with other women during our marriage. It was the ultimate betrayal. The day I found out, I got up, packed my child, clothes and left. I never looked back. I remarried and I'm happier then ever.

I made it clear to my husband now that if he's ever in an affair emotional or physical, I will pack up the kids and leave. There are no second chances with marriage. You don't betray the ones you love. My husband has the upmost respect for me and focuses on me only. Even if we have been married 20-30 years, if he betrays me, I will leave. I've don't it before.

Your only 2 weeks out of spilling the beans. You've got to put yourself in his shoes. He does not owe you anything. You decided to fall in love with another man and sleep with him. 10 months is basically falling in love, well at least very emotionally attached. I'm sure it's going through his mind over and over, another man touching and having sex with with you. It's quite a disgusting thought, as your finding out.

Let him go. What will be will be. If your meant to stay together, it will happen. However, it takes years to rebuild the trust you once had with him. If he even trusts you again. I'm sorry, but you can't have your cake and eat it too. This would of never happened if you worked on your marriage and problems beforehand. Good luck.

You can not make your spouse do anything they don't want to do, it's controlling. You can not force someone to love you. 

Did you honestly think he'd be okay with this and rugs weep under that big rug? 12 days is not a long time. You can't expect him to forgive you in such a short notice.


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## Kallan Pavithran

Is there anything wrong if he bangs this Girl, If she can bang OM for ten long months and hoping from home to OM bed on Dday? How can she feel hurt when her actions led him to this?

She is really pushing him over the edge with her demands, so he may be trying to even the field to regain his self esteem or may be looking for a life beyond his ruined marriage.

He may not be sure of what he want right now so let him take his time.


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## anonymouskitty

If he's hell bent on cheating, Steph, you can't stop him.

That said, his self esteem would have taken a vicious blow so he's probably just trying to make you jealous or something. But given that you did cheat on him, I don't think you can dictate terms to him.

Its called a dog in the manger. Now that you've had your fun, you're bltching about your husband doing the same???


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## that_girl

How old are you guys?


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## anonymouskitty

that_girl: how old do you think?


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## Vanton68

anonymouskitty said:


> *But given that you did cheat on him, I don't think you can dictate terms to him*.
> 
> Its called a dog in the manger. Now that you've had your fun, you're bltching about your husband doing the same???





Kallan Pavithran said:


> Is there anything wrong if he bangs this Girl, If she can bang OM for ten long months and hoping from home to OM bed on Dday? How can she feel hurt when her actions led him to this?
> 
> *She is really pushing him over the edge with her demands*, so he may be trying to even the field to regain his self esteem or may be looking for a life beyond his ruined marriage.
> 
> *He may not be sure of what he want right now so let him take his time*.





I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Why should he work on the marriage? Why?
> 
> 
> *Your only 2 weeks out of spilling the beans. You've got to put yourself in his shoes. He does not owe you anything. You decided to fall in love with another man and sleep with him. 10 months is basically falling in love*, well at least very emotionally attached. I'm sure it's going through his mind over and over, another man touching and having sex with with you. *It's quite a disgusting thought, as your finding out.
> *
> 
> However, it takes years to rebuild the trust you once had with him. If he even trusts you again. * I'm sorry, but you can't have your cake and eat it too. This would of never happened if you worked on your marriage and problems beforehand.* Good luck.
> 
> You can not make your spouse do anything they don't want to do, it's controlling. You can not force someone to love you.
> 
> Did you honestly think he'd be okay with this and rugs weep under that big rug? * 12 days is not a long time. You can't expect him to forgive you in such a short notice.*


Steph, I understand from reading your past threads that you are unable to process his pain, or comprehend how much inner turmoil that your BS is going through. Maybe the women quoted above can get it through your head. If not, I hope your BH moves on with his life and finds happiness without you.


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## mc1234

anonymouskitty said:


> If he's hell bent on cheating, Steph, you can't stop him.
> 
> That said, his self esteem would have taken a vicious blow so he's probably just trying to make you jealous or something. But given that you did cheat on him, I don't think you can dictate terms to him.
> 
> Its called a dog in the manger. Now that you've had your fun, you're bltching about your husband doing the same???


It was my other half who had an EA and nearly 10 months later, I am still triggering and this is without the PA, moving out etc. Read this and you will see you still have lots to do. 12 days is nothing. You will have to do all the heavy lifting for a long time yet. Trust is the hardest to build but the easiest to break. Rebuilding can take years.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/38890-article-cheaters-how-rebuild-trust.html

You have to realise how much you broke him and just because you decide now you want him, you have to give him the space he asks for or you will push him away even further. Sorry this sounds blunt.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl

When you were cheating, what did you think would happen if and when he found out? Or did you not think of such unpleasantries?


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## Kallan Pavithran

that_girl said:


> When you were cheating, what did you think would happen if and when he found out? Or did you not think of such unpleasantries?




She may have thought she can took it to grave, she might have but her husband was snooping for some time so she came clean (Really? No)

She may have thought she can go lovey dovey and make him to stay married may be overconfidence. Or may have thought he will get over it after few days of being angry.

She may not have thought of any kind of consequences. Now when she start to face the consequences, she is trembling.


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## jnj express

Just move back into the marital home, if that's what you want to do---by law, he cannot make you leave---what happens after that, is up to the 2 of you

It looks like you now know what its like to be on the betrayed side---so maybe it will help you in trying to get things back going in your mge----cuz now you can empathize with him


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## that_girl

Kallan Pavithran said:


> She may have thought she can took it to grave, she might have but her husband was snooping for some time so she came clean (Really? No)
> 
> She may have thought she can go lovey dovey and make him to stay married may be overconfidence. Or may have thought he will get over it after few days of being angry.
> 
> She may not have thought of any kind of consequences. Now when she start to face the consequences, she is trembling.


Yea, I can guess what she was thinking too. That's why I asked her.


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## Stephanie.Jackson

I always had intentions of telling my husband for one thing. I told the OM i was going to, and the OM started nagging me after my husband was home for 1 day as to why I didn't tell him, and I said because he just got home, I want him to enjoy something before then. So yes, I waited 17 days to tell him. I didn't tell him because he was snooping. I didn't find out he was snooping until a couple days after dday.

Yes, now I am beginning to understand exactly what he went through. And the part that is really hurting is the fact that I have no clue if anything happened or not, it's just me guessing. But from everything I've read, him having a revenge affair is just going to hurt him even more. Last night when his phone died at around 10pm, i called him one last time at 2am and it was still dead. I called him this morning at 10:45am and it was no longer dead. So he either was out and about and then came home after 2am and charged his phone, or he went to sleep after his phone died and charged it in the morning. Probably the first thing.

The only thing I was going to force was moving into my own home. I didn't say I was going to tell him not to talk to anyone and be in a marriage bubble. Do I want to tell him that? Yes. Am I going to? No. I will strain the fact that if he isn't telling me yes or no, he needs to hold off in this planning vacation. 

And I've said it several times now. The only "work" I need him to do is attend MC with me. That was it. I didn't say he has to do other stuff, but I need him to do that until he tells me to leave him alone for good. And he said yes.

And no, I cannot come to this forum for support. That was a big joke if I've ever heard one.


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## that_girl

No. I wouldn't suggest MC right now. I suggest IC for you. He doesn't need to do any work...you broke this, not him.


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## Stephanie.Jackson

I am sorry you wouldn't suggest it.


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## that_girl

Yea, and I'm sorry you want to force him to go.

If my husband cheated on me, the last thing I'd want RIGHT NOW is to go to MC with him. If he didn't think about me while cheating, why care now?

Go to IC, and then in time go to MC. But do what you do...


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## anonymouskitty

that_girl said:


> Go to IC, and then in time go to MC. But do what you do...


Sound advice right there

Fix yourself before dealing with the mess


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## Stephanie.Jackson

I didn't force him into MC. I said I need you to go with me to MC and he seemed a-okay with it.

If a MC and a chaplain both say we need MC right away, then I am going to go with that. When I went to IC the man said bring your husband next time. And when I am saying MC it doesn't mean "let's make our marriage better", it means we need to have a third party here to help us talk. Whether that goes in one direction or the other. But yes, I am going to take the educated opinions on the matter this time. Thanks anyways.


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## that_girl

Well, good luck with that.

Glad you're seeing your chaplain. Too bad you didn't seek him out before you cheated.


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## LOSTfan

It seems like you're mad that people aren't giving you the emotional support you say you want and need. Did you read the newbie thread? All you will get is unbiased advice. No one is going to feel sorry for you because you did the most selfish thing a spouse could do, and now all of a sudden you need support. It's not all about you.


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## YellowRoses

Why do you want to move back into the marital home when he has asked for space ?


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## that_girl

LOSTfan said:


> It seems like you're mad that people aren't giving you the emotional support you say you want and need. Did you read the newbie thread? All you will get is unbiased advice. No one is going to feel sorry for you because you did the most selfish thing a spouse could do, and now all of a sudden you need support. *It's not all about you*.


Cheaters tend to think it is, though. It's about what they want, what they feel, what they think.

Even after they get caught or confess, they still have this silly timeline that their spouse is supposed to follow.

OP, your husband is RUINED. you are lucky he's talking to you at all. Don't be shocked if he changes his mind about therapy or talking to you. He is going through his own hell right now. What you're going through is nothing compared to what he is going through. You caused this. He didn't.


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## anonymouskitty

Doesn't justify his going outside for milk but he's doing it. 
Maybe he wants to work this out, but maybe he's too damn hurt right now.
Its not your way or the highway anymore. Its his path to take and I think you relinquished the right of deciding it together when you went about rolling in the hay with the OM.
I know that sounds harsh but think about it, you didn't give him a choice. And you can't expect him to be magnanimous enough to give you the choice either.

Just be thankful that he's being civil to you, if you know the kind of things I said and did to my fWW you'd be quaking in your boots and running to your mummy or the solicitor's office crying about what fvck wit of a husband you had


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## Stephanie.Jackson

I don't mind unbiased advice. And yes, I came here for emotional support. Of course I am worried about myself, and this post was for myself. Ya know why? Cause nothing you guys can tell me is going to help my husband. He doesn't care about this website. I care(d) about this website, so I at least wanted support and help. If I wanted to sit and watch people attempt to bash me, I wouldn't have joined this site. And to say "All I care about is me me me", then I wouldn't have made my last thread, which was all about what can be done to help ease my husband's pain and slowly gain forgiveness, or at least lower his anger as much as possible during this time. 

I'm sorry most of yall have been cheated on. But guess what? Taking your misguided anger out on someone else isn't going to ease your own pain either. I have a right to be upset at this situation, just like my husband has even more of a right to be angry since he didn't cause this situation. Just cause I did this doesn't mean I can't be disappointed or upset. Like any of yall haven't made a bad choice and regretted it later? I doubt it. My husband, as much pain as I've caused him, can't be telling me there is some hope and do this and that, while I go out mingling with another woman. If that is what he wants to do, then by all means I will accept it once he tells me to go away. But he hasn't. So now he is a cake eater as well as myself.

And I can be in the home that I helped buy and build, it's just whether or not I choose to do what he asked. He asked so he could clear his mind and we can slowly start "dating" again. I agreed to these terms. I did not agree to move out so he can have someone else in another town as well. So if I put myself into the house, it's not cause I just couldn't take living alone. Actually, I was enjoying my time in the apartment and gathering my own thoughts up until this other lady came in the picture. If she wasn't in the picture, I would be fine and having no desire to put myself back into the home without his acknowledgement and wishes. But at this point, what do I have to lose? If I stay here, I lose. If I go in to our home, there may be a chance. Better I feel than me being here. And if it gets to the point where zero benefits come from me being there, I will move out.


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## anonymouskitty

Ah child, you misunderstand us and our intentions.

I, for one am not passing judgement on your character, none whatsoever. My post says nothing about your character, nor do I feel a perverse sense of pleasure in bashing you with my "misguided" anger. You are not responsible for my wife's transgressions but you are responsible for your own transgressions.

You need to look at this in a third person's perspective rather than trying to view it as a personal attack. 

Do you know what the number one killer of relationships is? Its not infidelity or Lies, its the EGO

We are not entitled to anything in life, not by our birth or by the amount of wealth we horde or by the respect we gain through our work. 

As I said, its not about you anymore Its about Him. And he by no means is a cake eater. A cake eater doesn't go to war to support his family. So he's hurt, won't you even let him grieve?

I think you're not really remorseful, you're just looking for quick fixes where none exist


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## that_girl

:iagree:


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## Phenix70

If you had put this much energy into your marriage before you cheated, I doubt you would be posting on this horrible, unsupportive website.
Any anger you're reading is directed towards your behavior, there's nothing misguided about reacting to a cheater who NOW is getting what they gave out. 
You still think this is all about you, guess what, it's not.
Learn some humility. 
Now your husband is doing what he feels he has to do to deal with your betrayal.
Maybe, just maybe now you're going to fully understand what happens when a spouse cheats.
Feels pretty freaking bad doesn't it & you're not even sure if he's slept with that other woman.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

I'm not angry my ex h cheated. I was extremely relieved. I was very happy to move on. Life with him was hell. I was looking for an out for the way he treated me. He portrayed himself as the victim when I left. Telling everyone lie after lie saying our ruined marriage was my fault. I'm not a cheater. I couldn't even date until my divorce was final even though I was betrayed. Yes, we went through MC, it didn't work. I wasn't about to waste my time with someone who betrayed me. I made the right choice. I'm now married to the love of my life for the past 12 years.

I don't understand why you expect sympathy from others when you created this mess??? I'm sorry, but it would of never happened if you focused on your marriage vs another man. 

In your original post, you are angry for your husband not working on your marriage. I don't understand this? I'm sure you regret what you did, but all our actions have consequences good or bad.

You've got to put yourself in your husbands shoes. Stop and think how'd you feel if he were in a 10 month meaningful relationship. It hurts and I'm sure he loved you with all he had. 

It's too soon to know if this marriage will work out. Your expectations are way too high. Your marriage might survive. Just give him time and space.


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## shazam

I don't post on here much, but I swear all these cheating women sound like the exact same person.


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## Tainted Halo

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> I have my husband's facebook password and him and his ex-best friend's ex girlfriend were meeting up last week 3 hours away for drinks to talk about my affair.
> He went to Ft. Worth again yesterday and I checked his FB account and this same girl sent him a list of hotels in Galveston to check out. I called him and asked if they were a couple and he said no but we will talk about it later because they were together right now.
> So i texted him and he said they are NOT a couple but he enjoys talking to her and that the hotel thing was because him and his best friend and his wife were looking into going to galveston for a short vacation and him and this other lady were thinking about going with.
> 
> I am so hurt. I know I caused this and I had the affair, but the fact that he's doing this within 12 days makes me wonder if this marriage was even that important to him to begin with. I feel like killing myself honestly, mainly because i am trying everything I can to be the best wife possible and I'm about to move out of this apt and into my old house with him and force myself to be there. I am so hurt. I feel like an idiot for saying that but the tears are coming down so hard right now and I am in a crazy amount of pain thinking of them out to dinner together right now. I am calling an on-post chaplain cause I don't trust myself right now.


I am in the same predicament as you hun... my H's last PA as turned into a long distance EA. His words were "I enjoy talking to her" to what they discuss everyday I have no clue but assume fantasy talk and I'm sure what goes on at home. Don't want to fill your head with things but there's a good chance your H could develop feelings for this woman. 

Which has occurred with my H there's not much I can do except give him the space that my H wants so he can "Lets live" line. As much as I would like for my H to come off his Fog with the OW I don't see that happening soon. Either way I don't feel H's OW will be able to handle my kids and all the responsibilities of being a partner due to her young age and likes to club/party/drink. Not only her but he too has some nasty habits and etc.. 

So what do I do is focus on myself and the kids I refuse to stay in Limbo waiting for him to come to his senses and figure out what the f**K he wants to stay married and work out our problems or get a divorce. My advise from my own experience just continue what you were doing taking up hobbies and focusing on yourself. Take it one day at a time.. hope things work out for ya'll..


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## 827Aug

Stephanie, you are going to work yourself into a mental breakdown. You are pushing way too hard and trying to control things which are beyond your control at this point. That's wasted energy.

You may want to read _The Five Love Languages_ by Gary Chapman. Identify your husband's love language and then "pursue" him from that angle. That will be a lot more effective than trying to reason with his broken heart. Also, if you are a religious person (at any level), now would be a good time to turn this problem over to God. Then accept what God's plan for you and your husband is.

Get some rest, and find something relaxing to do. Refocus your mind.


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## that_girl

Tainted Halo, you had a 10 month affair on your husband too..before he started the EA? Cause that's her predicament.


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## Tainted Halo

that_girl said:


> Tainted Halo, you had a 10 month affair on your husband too..before he started the EA? Cause that's her predicament.


No..no.. I meant the H speaking to the OW cause he likes her part.. sorry if I wasn't clear on that


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## MattMatt

Yes, Stephanie did wrong. Hopefully, Stephanie understands that. I think she does.

And attacking Stephanie is helpful as it is our chance to give our cheating ex the really cool zinger we could not think of at the time. Actually, no. I trust that nobody is acting out like that in response to Stephanie?

At least Stephanie is posting here for advice and not posting for high fives from other cheaters at that cheater's haven website...


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## lamaga

Thank you, MattMatt!

I'm reminded of a Guy Clark song...

_Hank Williams said it best
He said it a long time ago
Unless you have made no mistakes in your life,
Be careful of stones that you throw._


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## crossbar

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> Me: That's fine. Now here's the thing. I know you wish I weren't your wife, but I am. And I know you aren't giving a reconciliation a second thought, but I am. And as your wife I feel that even though I messed up majorly, you need to work on this, even if just a little, so we have no regrets because you're being very vague and sending mixed messages. I am doing all I can and you aren't doing anything at all in any direction except maybe against the marriage, but yet won't give me the final "leave me alone forever" text.


 Right here; at this point, I would have said "screw you" and hung up on you.

Here's the thing. You were in the drivers seat during your affair. Now, he's in the drivers seat as far as where this marriage goes and you really don't have a say in it. Well, you do have a say, but he doesn't have to listen. And after a statement like that, I know I wouldn't be listening. If anything, that statement would have pushed me closer to the other girl. 

Here's the rub of it. You don't have any rights to demand that he drop everything and get is ass back there to work on a broken marriage. A marriage that YOU broke! You stated in that statement that you are his wife. Well, you sure as hell didn't act like it when you were having sex with the OM. Sharing a bed with the OM AND living with the OM. And you expect him to take that statement seriously? Like, NOW (all the sudden) you want to be his wife? He's got NO REASON to trust anything you say. 

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not defending your BS and his actions right now. I couldn't tell you if he's doing this out of revenge or if he's doing anything at all other than allowing your imagination to run wild on you. 

All I'm saying is that statement sounded like you are putting demands on him and that's going to push him away even farther.


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## Paladin

It can sometimes feel like people are bashing in this section. Yes, there are lots of hurt people here, there are also lots of people who are recovering and reconciling and some that have gone the route of divorce. 

What the overwhelming majority of people are trying to get across to you in this thread is pretty simple. You need to stop thinking about yourself so much. A decision from your H about whether he wants to stay with you or not may not come for a while. He may not know himself if he wants to stay with you or not.

You asked him if he was looking to go out with that woman romantically, he said no. What reason do you have to disbelieve him? You've made some really strong statements in this thread, one of the ones that sticks out in my mind is:

"On Tuesday I'm moving back in"

I'm not sure why you still feel entitled to make decisions like that about this relationship. I think until your H really knows what he wants to do, you can't try to adjust boundaries. Nor can you really go against his wishes (he wanted you to move out) without driving him away.

Thinking about yourself, and yourself only, is what made it justifiable for you to have your affair. You may feel uncomfortable with the idea of him hanging out with the woman you mention, have you thought about how he might be feeling about her? Maybe he is capable of maintaining his marital boundaries while he is figuring things out, you have no proof that anything inappropriate is going on between them. Maybe she is there for him emotionally, while he feels you no longer are/never were. 

Basically, at the end of the day, as many people here have stated, you can not control what he does, only what you do. If having him hanging out with this woman is a major deal breaker for you, file for D.


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## costa200

Stephanie, let me tell you were your man is right now. You cheated on him and hinted that part of it was sexual issues. Do you know how much destruction that can do? What your man is doing right now is trying to figure out if he is worth something. His feels so lowly and worthless right now that internal confirmation isn't enough. He needs another person to TELL him that other women could be happy to get him. To be with him.

Basically you told him, by your own actions, that he wasn't enough of a man. Now presumably this other woman is stroking his ego and trying to convince him that he is valuable as a person. You need to hope that all she wants, because right now he may take any offers. 

And no, i wouldn't go around making demands and decisions right now. One wrong move and you're history on his side.


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## Beelzebub

Stephanie

1- Criminal has to pay his due to the public even when he is forgiven 
2- a cheater also has to pay also. so just take it as man and enjoy the ride to have some of your own medicine, atleast his honest with you with every step.


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## WorkingOnMe

Perhaps this other woman will treat him well. Perhaps she won't say things like the man she cheated with for 10 months has a bigger c*ck and is the only man who can make her orgasm. Perhaps this other woman will make him feel good about himself rather than bad about himself. Perhaps this other woman isn't a control freak.


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## Stephanie.Jackson

Thanks to the few of you who are being helpful, or at least rewording your statements to be helpful. 
I decided a few days ago (on my own) that I am not moving back in.
I became crazy control lady on Saturday and even he told me that this is not who I normally am, and I need to stop. I told him that the hotel thing really messed me up.
I am NOT forcing him to make this marriage work. I said if you are telling me there is a 1% chance we can make it work, let's go to counseling. And guess what? He contacts me at least 3x a day about when we are going to go, he almost seems excited.

Now here is the crappy part. On Saturday when he told me I am being crazy (I was), he said "This relationship being saved is on me. If I decide I want to date someone, then maybe later on I may not like the girl and she isn't anywhere near as good as you were, then we can work it out. Or maybe I don't want to date. I am not trying to date anyone right now but if it happens, you need to accept it. Because like I said, I might end up coming right back to you. But if you date anyone, you can consider this marriage 100% completely over."

I could get over him being with someone else. I could get over almost anything for a certain period of time. But for some reason that last line of his struck a nerve, and unfortunately I have been extremely numb since that conversation. He still says they haven't had sex or anything, and I do believe him because he had the opportunity to stay in Ft Worth for one more day and he chose to come home early, which knowing him, if he wanted to there with someone he would have.
But I kind of feel like I am doing the 180 on him now.. Which I shouldn't, I know, but that's kinda what "giving him space" is about. Like when he came home yesterday he stopped by my place to hook up my Xbox. I told him it's fine and I will figure it out on my own, he asked if I was sure, I said yes. He left and for the first time since this whole thing started, I did not give him a hug or walk him to the car (he never initiates a hug with me now which is understandable). I could tell he was confused by my being short with him (but still pleasant). And I haven't called him not one time since Saturday or texted him. He ended up calling me within 5 minutes of leaving my house yesterday. 

I imagine that me begging for forgiveness, ect, was as unappealing to him as it is to the WS when the LS begs for them back. So if he wants to chase, by all means he can chase me. But I am not putting myself out there like that again. We have our MC with the chaplain tomorrow, we'll see how that goes. I am still so numb and almost uncaring at this point. I know I did wrong, but basically demanding me to wait if he decides to bang everyone, well, killed a lot of my drive for this marriage. I believe it's temporary but who knows. I'm going to let time decide this one for me. I am in a happy place right now though so I am just enjoying it again and I am not going to let the OW which may possibly come up in his life drag me down cause it's not helping our situation.


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## YellowRoses

You are NOT numb , you are in a huff because he wants you to wait while he decides, which might include him seeing other women. He has taken control from you. You don't like it.

This is the bed you've made. If you can't lie in it then tell him straight Steph, don't play over-analytical mind games. Your feelings are all over the place so what do you think his are like ?

Sorry hun, you won't like it but you sound younger than ever now

Patience, time and rolling with the blows are in order now - you don't seem up for any of that


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## happyman64

Steph,

Take it one day at a time.

He is giving you one chance. What the hell do you have to lose???

And of course he left it open that he might date someone, he is trying to protect his heart because you tore it out last year and he is too immature to tell you any other way that he does not want you hurting him anymore.

Either you are in or out now.

I say go to MC and give your marriage a shot.

HM64


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## bandit.45

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> Who knows. We'll see.
> 
> **Well actually the marriage itself was fine. I think we're too young to handle an infidelity though, most definitely.


Don't take this the wrong way, but this is the most lucid post you have made throughout this whole thread. 

My take is your husband checked out emotionally a long time ago after you moved in with the OM. Now you are back and offering yourself up to him. He's now thinking: "Hey, I got myself a nice deal here. Let's see how I can milk this. I'll have my WW to bang at home, but I'll guilt trip her to let me have my space to screw other women, and she cannot hold it against me!" Your husband is a cat and you are the bird's nest on the ground. 

I think you two need to admit that you are both wayyyy to young to be married. You need to sow your wild oats and so does he. Chalk it up to experience, part as friends, and go on with your lives before the two of you really start hating each other.


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## Stephanie.Jackson

The marriage was fine because we were both extremely happy. Only fought about 4 or 5 times a year, never had any financial worries at all, spent all of our time together doing new & fun things, and we both were doing well (him in his career and me with my school). Just because I cheated, doesn't mean our marriage sucked, as much as I am sure you wished it did it seems like. I cheated out of selfishness and loneliness. 

If my age is creeping out, then so be it. I am 22 years old. I have seen people of all ages acting like this. I am numb, to the point where I just don't care. And me looking at his facebook or phone records to see how much time he puts into this OW, wasn't doing anything to help me at all. So I am done. He doesn't want me trying so hard to fix the marriage, he wants to be chill about it. And coincidentally, me focusing on myself and not worrying what he is doing, is making ME (yes, me, I am being selfish here again) feel like the old me who is mentally stable. And it seems to be making him more intrigued by me. But if it doesn't work out, I can't stop him from doing that or doing what he wants to do. So be it. Some of you guys are as informative as a therapist almost, while others help me out as much as a dirty sock. And with that, I am going to take my dog out for a run.

* Also to add, I honest to God think he was trying to mentally punish me with the OW. I don't think he has it in him to actually go through with anything. Because as soon as I stopped showing it hurt me, he stopped doing it. Immature yes, but definitely understandable cause with me and my immaturity, I would have done the same thing I am sure. Which doesn't help anyone.


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## crossbar

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> So if he wants to chase, by all means he can chase me. But I am not putting myself out there like that again. We have our MC with the chaplain tomorrow, we'll see how that goes.
> 
> 
> 
> Ughh....Ummm....okay. What exactly do you want here? Personally, I wouldn't expect him to "Chase" you. I mean, you carried on a 10 month affair and lived with the guy. I don't think he views you as all of that and a bag of chips. But, I seriously doubt he's going to chase you.
> 
> Here's the deal, you need to do the heavy lifting, BUT! I also agree with you and you don't deserve to be treat like complete dirt either with him stringing you along. So, what you need to do is to STOP thinking about yourself and what he's doing and not doing for YOU and logically think about what's going on with him.
> 
> He's hurt. And I don't think that you truely realize how bad you hurt him. You mentioned feeling numb. Well, I speculate that you hurt him to the point where he's completely numb to you. You left him for another man. He was probably under the impression. that you were never coming back, and even if you did come back, would he want you again? Well, now your back and he has no idea how to process it. The numbness is starting to wear off and now the pain is coming back and he doesn't know how to channel it and let you SEE how much this hurt him. So, the only way to make you see is to try and get you to hurt just as badly as he feels it. Thus, the dating and whatever...
> 
> You need to go to MC and find a happy median. Some kind of common ground. Maybe, making a deal. Six months of being exclusive to one another and see how that goes. After the six months, go back to the table and see what you want to do. Continue the relationship or part ways. At least this way, you know that you've at least tried to salvage this marriage and if it doesn't work out is because too much damage had occurred.
Click to expand...


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## Stephanie.Jackson

Thank you crossbar. Your response is the whole point I came to this forum, for solid advice. Thank you thank you thank you. I realize when I said "chase me" that came off wayyyy wrong. I meant, start conversations with me... call me, text me, that kinda thing. I won't bother him by doing it myself. And it's really working for our marriage's favor. He just called. He claimed he called to ask if I wanted our exercise mat to put under the dogs kennel, but that was a 2 second part of the convo. He was actually calling to see what I was up to and what I was doing. So I will continue letting him go at his own pace. 
But yes, digging through to his stuff to find out what he was doing was completely detrimental and i hate turning into crazy lady. The chaplain said he was going to call me back when he's in his office to schedule a time for us to come in tomorrow. 

I've already tried to ask him if we can just be exclusive in our convo on Saturday and he basically thought that was hypocritical of me to ask (I do see his point, almost anything I ask of him sounds incredibly hypocritical, but at the same time, if we don't do these things now there is no hope for us). But I think that's what he wants anyways and he was just messing with my emotions. The only helpful thing my counselor told me was "Do you think he just has you in the punishment phase now?" and I believe so. But he is slowly reaching out to me since I am not blowing his phone up. I feel silly looking back for doing that, but at the same time I understand that I was hurting a lot. 

I will let you guys (who care) know how the MC goes tomorrow... if this chaplain ever calls me back! Thank you again crossbar and others.


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## crossbar

Look, BS have the right to set boundries and as a WW you have to humble yourself and bend to those boundries A LOT! However, not to the point of breaking. If some of the boundries set forth by a BS are unrealistic then there has to be a deal breaker for you. Again, you have to compromise. Try the six month deal again. After six months, if there's nothing there. Then call it quits and he's free to date and sleep with whoever he wants for the rest of his life because the marriage is over. All your asking for is six months. That's it. If he agree's to it, then you better get back on here and talk to people about how to fix your marriage and try to get it on the right track on how to SWALLOW YOUR PRIDE AND HUMBLE YOURSELF FOR THIS OPPORTUNITY! 

Thing is, I think he wants to even the playing field. "If you can play, why can't I?" If he does this, I suspect he won't find it as liberating as it seems. He may even feel worse by having a revenge affair. He's trying to cake eat you. Keeping you on the sidelines while he evens the score. Dating other women and keeping you wondering if he is, in fact, coming back.

Now here comes the bashing (but it comes with being remorseful) You were wrong. You hurt the one person that trusted you. A good definition of love is giving someone your heart and trusting them enough not to break it. You smashed it to pieces and then spit on it. He is hurt and not thinking rationally. You need to get him on board with working on the issues. HOWEVER, if he doesn't want to work on them, then there's nothing you can do. It takes two people to have a marriage. You haven't had a marriage in a long time. It's up to him if he wants to build a new one.


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## Stephanie.Jackson

I understand, and agree. 
I don't *think* he is actually having an affair with her. Their FB messages (only about 4 each) seem friendly. The phone records indicated that over a week long period, they only chatted on the phone about 2 hours. And sent about 50 text messages, mostly her though. It's more than I'd like, but I know that between me and the OM, we texted a LOT more than that, and he only lived 10 minutes away, not 3 hours like the OW so he has only seen her 4 days max since he only can go there on the weekends. Plus like I said, he had no work from Thursday-Monday and he chose to leave late thursday night and came back Sunday evening. I know when we were dating and he was in the army, he'd fly to TX and we'd spend every hour possible with each other till he had to go back to TN. So he cut the trip 1.5 days shorter than he had to. Plus he said there wasn't any emotional or physical stuff happening.

But yes, this is still cake eating if he intends on doing it later. I will see what this Chaplain has to say tomorrow, because I still very much want to make the marriage work. However, my crazy stalker-phone-blowing-upper attitude that I had this weekend has to be over. I am not asking him to choose to be with me forever, but I am asking if he has a little bit of hope for us like he says he does, to be willing to accompany me to MC (which he is) and not hang around other women in large amounts (which he IS doing and shouldn't at this time).

I honestly don't think he could go through with a revenge affair. But I might be completely incorrect as he was in thinking i'd never cheat. Speaking of that, yesterday I was running late for work and I accidentally left my wedding ring on my kitchen counter (I always still wear mine, he hasn't been) and I got approached by 3 men during my 7 hour shift. I told them all I was separated and I cheated on my husband and I am trying to make it better, and it is disgusting how they ALL said that "it's your husband's fault you cheated, don't blame yourself. Can I have your number?" I was extremely repulsed. I know they were just saying it to get laid, but that is just disgusting to me. Never leaving my ring at home again


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## costa200

Stephanie, please make these words count. 



> I said if you are telling me there is a 1% chance we can make it work, let's go to counseling. And guess what? He contacts me at least 3x a day about when we are going to go, he almost seems excited.


You're a VERY lucky woman. I hope you appreciate how hard that was for him. The man is willing to abandon his pride for you. Don't you let him down, if you truly love him.



> Now here is the crappy part. On Saturday when he told me I am being crazy (I was), he said "This relationship being saved is on me. If I decide I want to date someone, then maybe later on I may not like the girl and she isn't anywhere near as good as you were, then we can work it out. Or maybe I don't want to date. I am not trying to date anyone right now but if it happens, you need to accept it. Because like I said, I might end up coming right back to you. But if you date anyone, you can consider this marriage 100% completely over."


Let me translate this for you: "I'm so confused right now that i don't even know what i'm going to do, i haven't decided yet, but give me one more reason and i'll DUMP you on the spot".

I see that you're having a hard time giving up control. You spent so long controlling the situation that you now feel lost when your man decided to take complete control. But here comes the questions:

was this a proud man before this catastrophe?

but more importantly,

Do you love this man?

If you answered yes to both these questions (and be totally honest with yourself, if no one else) then you'll do your best to dance his dance at this moment. And it can take him a while. 

Quite honestly i don't think this man wants to cheat. If he wanted to cheat he would dump you on the spot and be with the other lady. But you may have forced him into a relationship with this other woman. 



> He left and for the first time since this whole thing started, I did not give him a hug or walk him to the car (he never initiates a hug with me now which is understandable). I could tell he was confused by my being short with him (but still pleasant).


This was a mistake. If he feels a hint of indifference right now that may kill the duck... I would not repeat that if i were you. 




> I imagine that me begging for forgiveness, ect, was as unappealing to him as it is to the WS when the LS begs for them back. So if he wants to chase, by all means he can chase me. But I am not putting myself out there like that again.


You're not? If this is so, and not really something derived from your emotional state at the moment, then you really need to think if you really want your husband back or not. By that sentence alone it just seems what you really want is the control of the relationship back and not really your husband.

Think long and hard about what you really want. 



> And coincidentally, me focusing on myself and not worrying what he is doing, is making ME (yes, me, I am being selfish here again) feel like the old me who is mentally stable.


The old you was a mentally stable cheater that hurt your husband in way nobody likes to be hurt. Is that the one you want to be? 




> Thank you crossbar. Your response is the whole point I came to this forum, for solid advice. Thank you thank you thank you. I realize when I said "chase me" that came off wayyyy wrong. I meant, start conversations with me... call me, text me, that kinda thing.


No Stephanie... those verbalized slips are really more revealing than you think. You're in a new situation and you don't like it one bit. 




> But he is slowly reaching out to me since I am not blowing his phone up.


That's an excellent sign... Many men would just have served you the D papers by now. 

Just to stress it one more time. He must feel commitment at 100%. And you must be honest with him. Respond truthfully to his questions. If you lie to him one more time (and he will probably be testing you on it) it can be the last. 

Much later on, if you want to give him some hints on how to make things better for you, specially in the sexual field NEVER put in the situation a reference to what the other male did or what the other male had or whatever. Preferably sentences like "i really like it when you do that..." works better.


----------



## MattMatt

I do hope he is not having a revenge affair. I speak from bitter personal experience. They don't work. As I have said before, the negative impact on me of my wife's affair was less than the negative impact on me of my affair. Odd, but true. 

I nearly destroyed my own sense of self. I hope he doesn't do this.


----------



## Stephanie.Jackson

Costa, i believe i meant to say chase me through contact. He said that when I was blowing his phone up, it almost seemed not worth it to even give us a chance, so I stopped right there. I should've just kept my nose out of the phone records and such, because that put me in freak-out mode and pushed him away. I think he enjoys being in control of when we talk, and that is fine with me. Plus, with me not contacting him and the only way we talk is if he initiates it, it let's me know how often he wants to talk and that he is talking to me solely because he WANTS to talk to me. I think it's easier this way, at least for me. But apparently it's easier for him too since this is what he wanted.

Yeah, that whole "being 100% honest and if you don't tell him something, that's lying by omission" also p*ssed him off. I remembered a piece of information that I deemed necessary to tell him, that he hadn't asked about, and I told him and be BLEW UP. Cussing and screaming, all that. A brief synopsis, during the deployment they get to come home for 2 weeks. In the middle of this two week period, the OM had the brilliant idea (complete sarcasm) to show up at my house at 3am and ask my husband to help jump his motorcycle battery... When the doorbell rang, i immediately knew who it was and i went into the bedroom to pretend to be sleeping cause I had no idea what the OM was doing. The next day I texted him asking WTF was he thinking, and his answer was "well you talk so highly of your husband, so I wanted to check and make sure he is really a good guy for you." I was about to kill the OM. Anyways, months later my husband was still asking all the neighbors if they knew this man because apparently the OM said he lived down the street. So I figured since the show-up bothered him so much and he was still so confused about it, it was my job as the WS to inform him that was the OM who completely disrespected him in his own house. 
So after my husband finished cussing and screaming he politely asked me to never divulge anything unless he asks. And he's not really asking anything.


Anyways, I hope he doesn't do the RA but if he did I would obviously forgive him. But he is such a good and honest man I don't think he could lower himself to that like I did. He may be young as well but he is a very, very good man. Which makes me feel even more retarded. But later tonight I have to go to my old neighborhood to watch my friends dogs and I will stop by the house and drop him off some of this awesome brisket I am making, then leave. Cause I know he's probably eating like crap.


----------



## costa200

> Costa, i believe i meant to say chase me through contact. He said that when I was blowing his phone up, it almost seemed not worth it to even give us a chance, so I stopped right there. I should've just kept my nose out of the phone records and such, because that put me in freak-out mode and pushed him away. I think he enjoys being in control of when we talk, and that is fine with me. Plus, with me not contacting him and the only way we talk is if he initiates it, it let's me know how often he wants to talk and that he is talking to me solely because he WANTS to talk to me. I think it's easier this way, at least for me. But apparently it's easier for him too since this is what he wanted.


It is... It may seem like a petty thing, but him doing is thing is really important now. 




> Yeah, that whole "being 100% honest and if you don't tell him something, that's lying by omission" also p*ssed him off. I remembered a piece of information that I deemed necessary to tell him, that he hadn't asked about, and I told him and be BLEW UP. Cussing and screaming, all that. A brief synopsis, during the deployment they get to come home for 2 weeks. In the middle of this two week period, the OM had the brilliant idea (complete sarcasm) to show up at my house at 3am and ask my husband to help jump his motorcycle battery... When the doorbell rang, i immediately knew who it was and i went into the bedroom to pretend to be sleeping cause I had no idea what the OM was doing. The next day I texted him asking WTF was he thinking, and his answer was "well you talk so highly of your husband, so I wanted to check and make sure he is really a good guy for you." I was about to kill the OM. Anyways, months later my husband was still asking all the neighbors if they knew this man because apparently the OM said he lived down the street. So I figured since the show-up bothered him so much and he was still so confused about it, it was my job as the WS to inform him that was the OM who completely disrespected him in his own house.


That's just a fked up situation... The other guy clearly was a douche doing that. Hell, what if the other tried to do something nastier to your husband (at the time he didn't have a clue about the OM so he couldn't even find a way to protect himself)? but whatever, now you know. Whatever he asks you tell him. On his pace, and let him process that stuff. 

some of it he may process fast enough, others will take time. It can even be that what you think will be harder for him isn't and others apparently harmless bits of info can lead to a nuke blast (like the one you experienced with that 3 am episode).



> Anyways, I hope he doesn't do the RA but if he did I would obviously forgive him. But he is such a good and honest man I don't think he could lower himself to that like I did. He may be young as well but he is a very, very good man. Which makes me feel even more retarded. But later tonight I have to go to my old neighborhood to watch my friends dogs and I will stop by the house and drop him off some of this awesome brisket I am making, then leave. Cause I know he's probably eating like crap.


I see nothing wrong with that. Showing you CARE is never negative. And seeing you write those things about your husband just makes me have one of those "what was she thinking?" moments. But at least you now see it. 

I hope everything works out for you guys if it means that you both will be happy with your choices.


----------



## Stephanie.Jackson

Yeah same here. Soooo, I just went to this random gas station and I'm sitting in my car listening to music waiting for the gas to finish pumping and this little 15 year old looking boy is harassing me outside of my car. But guess who was already 2 pump stations away and was watching me? MY HUSBAND. Randomly ironic. Anyways, so he's watching and thinks that this little boy is the OM so he puts his pistol in the holster on his hip (he has a CHL, and also had said pistol on him when the OM knocked on the door at 3am). So in doing so, he terrifies this little old lady who was pumping gas and watching him. Then he waves at me so I walk over to him and he asks if that is the OM (yes, that little 15 year old looking boy) and I just lmao and he told me about this lady who is now sitting there watching us... so I guess he felt if that were the OM he would need to be ready or something. We chit chatted while he filled his tank up and had some laughs, then went our separate ways. How random is that!

** something even more ironic, the husband and I were listening to the same song at the same time (not on the radio). I thought that was funny.


----------



## morituri

Didn't your husband ask you who the OM was on DDay? :scratchhead:


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## Stephanie.Jackson

Yes, and he kind of has an idea of what he looks like (short, dark dark skinned). But it's not like the OM was a friend of ours or anything. He doesn't really remember what he looked like from when he visited the house in January. So basically any black guy that talks to me might as well be the OM >.<


----------



## ireallylike

Your husband is in fighting mode. Quite obviously the fact that the OM went to his house and was able to get the chance to physically hurt him while he was unaware has gotten to him. 

That would be my state of mind too. It's the territorial answer. He was challenged and he is willing to rise to it.

At the moment it could be very messy if he runs into the OM. Hope he doesn't, or that at least the OM is able to run like a pro athlete.


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## Heartbroke

I am not going to say I have read this whole post. Just take it from me if he still loves you he wants you to fight for him. Give him that and the complete honesty he deserves.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stephanie.Jackson

The OM is terrified of him. My husband owns many guns. I'd be lying if I said that when I got home from work after telling him at my workplace that I had an affair, that I wasn't afraid for my life. Totally out of the norm for him, but you never know in these situations.


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## bandit.45

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> The OM is terrified of him. My husband owns many guns. I'd be lying if I said that when I got home from work after telling him at my workplace that I had an affair, that I wasn't afraid for my life. Totally out of the norm for him, but you never know in these situations.


Yeah....pissing off a trained warrior is not the smartest move you and the OM ever made in your lives.


----------



## Beowulf

Ah yes. God made men equal. Sam Colt made some more equal than others.


----------



## that_girl

Just give the man some space to think. I'm glad you learned not to blow up his phone, etc.


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## morituri

Are you prepared to give your husband the OM's full name, telephone number and address if he insists?


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## costa200

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> The OM is terrified of him. My husband owns many guns. I'd be lying if I said that when I got home from work after telling him at my workplace that I had an affair, that I wasn't afraid for my life. Totally out of the norm for him, but you never know in these situations.


Well, the other guy went to your house at 3am to measure up your hubby. It's quite possible that he even had some violent crap in mind and was intimidated.

I don't think your husband is going to hunt that wanker down or anything. But if he is smart he will stay clear. One more challenge and it can be his hide.


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## warlock07

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> I understand, and agree.
> I don't *think* he is actually having an affair with her. Their FB messages (only about 4 each) seem friendly. The phone records indicated that over a week long period, they only chatted on the phone about 2 hours. And sent about 50 text messages, mostly her though. It's more than I'd like, but I know that between me and the OM, we texted a LOT more than that, and he only lived 10 minutes away, not 3 hours like the OW so he has only seen her 4 days max since he only can go there on the weekends. Plus like I said, he had no work from Thursday-Monday and he chose to leave late thursday night and came back Sunday evening. I know when we were dating and he was in the army, he'd fly to TX and we'd spend every hour possible with each other till he had to go back to TN. So he cut the trip 1.5 days shorter than he had to. Plus he said there wasn't any emotional or physical stuff happening.
> 
> But yes, this is still cake eating if he intends on doing it later. I will see what this Chaplain has to say tomorrow, because I still very much want to make the marriage work. However, my crazy stalker-phone-blowing-upper attitude that I had this weekend has to be over. I am not asking him to choose to be with me forever, but I am asking if he has a little bit of hope for us like he says he does, to be willing to accompany me to MC (which he is) and not hang around other women in large amounts (which he IS doing and shouldn't at this time).
> 
> I honestly don't think he could go through with a revenge affair. But I might be completely incorrect as he was in thinking i'd never cheat. Speaking of that, yesterday I was running late for work and I accidentally left my wedding ring on my kitchen counter (I always still wear mine, he hasn't been) and* I got approached by 3 men during my 7 hour shift. I told them all I was separated and I cheated on my husband and I am trying to make it better, and it is disgusting how they ALL said that "it's your husband's fault you cheated, don't blame yourself. Can I have your number?" I was extremely repulsed. I know they were just saying it to get laid, but that is just disgusting to me. Never leaving my ring at home again :*(


Who are these guys? You told 3 random guys of your problems in marriage? I think the word has spread around about you, if you are getting so many propositions.


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## warlock07

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> Costa, i believe i meant to say chase me through contact. He said that when I was blowing his phone up, it almost seemed not worth it to even give us a chance, so I stopped right there. I should've just kept my nose out of the phone records and such, because that put me in freak-out mode and pushed him away. I think he enjoys being in control of when we talk, and that is fine with me. Plus, with me not contacting him and the only way we talk is if he initiates it, it let's me know how often he wants to talk and that he is talking to me solely because he WANTS to talk to me. I think it's easier this way, at least for me. But apparently it's easier for him too since this is what he wanted.
> 
> Yeah, that whole "being 100% honest and if you don't tell him something, that's lying by omission" also p*ssed him off. I remembered a piece of information that I deemed necessary to tell him, that he hadn't asked about, and I told him and be BLEW UP. Cussing and screaming, all that. A brief synopsis, during the deployment they get to come home for 2 weeks. In the middle of this two week period, the OM had the brilliant idea (complete sarcasm) to show up at my house at 3am and ask my husband to help jump his motorcycle battery... When the doorbell rang, i immediately knew who it was and i went into the bedroom to pretend to be sleeping cause I had no idea what the OM was doing. The next day I texted him asking WTF was he thinking, and his answer was "well you talk so highly of your husband, so I wanted to check and make sure he is really a good guy for you." I was about to kill the OM. Anyways, months later my husband was still asking all the neighbors if they knew this man because apparently the OM said he lived down the street. So I figured since the show-up bothered him so much and he was still so confused about it, it was my job as the WS to inform him that was the OM who completely disrespected him in his own house.
> So after my husband finished cussing and screaming he politely asked me to never divulge anything unless he asks. And he's not really asking anything.
> 
> 
> Anyways, I hope he doesn't do the RA but if he did I would obviously forgive him. But he is such a good and honest man I don't think he could lower himself to that like I did. He may be young as well but he is a very, very good man. Which makes me feel even more retarded. But later tonight I have to go to my old neighborhood to watch my friends dogs and I will stop by the house and drop him off some of this awesome brisket I am making, then leave. Cause I know he's probably eating like crap.


What the f*ck is wrong with you? You still continued the affair with him after that? Yuck!!! Pretty sure you found it hot then!!


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## costa200

warlock07 said:


> Who are these guys? You told 3 random guys of your problems in marriage? I think the word has spread around about you, if you are getting so many propositions.


Plus she doesn't really need to get into that much of a detail about her life with three strange douches that made a point of showing how some men don't think twice about banging another guy's wife.


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## Stephanie.Jackson

I am a dog trainer at Petsmart. These were random customers. They each asked in their own corny way if I had a boyfriend, I said no, I am married. 2 of them asked why I wasn't wearing my wedding ring. Looking back, now I should have just left it at "I forgot it" but it does feel nice to talk about my current huge self-inflicted problem. I have before forgotten my wedding ring, and never had this problem. It's almost like i wreaked of separation or something, however I wasn't flirty in the slightest, nor showing any interest. ** In fact the last two guys, I was currently crashing after my energy pill wore off and don't see how my attitude was attractive at all. I was grumpy/sleepy.
The first guy ended up talking to me for an hour, the other two were about 25 minutes or so. The first guy was the most persistent. I do not know these people, I was just doing my job. But yes, they were all douches and trying to take advantage of my situation.

And no warlock, i did NOT find it hot when he did that. I was infuriated. He swore up and down he didn't show up to do anything, he just wanted to meet my husband (that is really weird, and that was obvious to me even in the 'fog'). He said if I had been the one to answer the door, he would have left though... which is confusing. Makes me question his motives.


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## costa200

> I was currently crashing after my energy pill wore off and don't see how my attitude was attractive at all. I was grumpy/sleepy.


They weren't evaluating your personality. In fact, they didn't give a crap about it and you could basically be brain dead.




> He said if I had been the one to answer the door, he would have left though... which is confusing. Makes me question his motives.


It's bull****... He went there to size your husband up and to try and build up courage to do something. Then chickened out and came up with some sorry ass excuse.


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## Acabado

> I got approached by 3 men during my 7 hour shift. I told them all I was separated and I cheated on my husband and I am trying to make it better, and it is disgusting how they ALL said....


You need to learn about healthy boundaires. There's nobody's bussiness you current state. You rejects them politely. Period. No over inform anyboy about personal things, even less clients, specially no males. This info is only for trusted female friends, counselors, etc.
I have a friend who divulge all kind of personal info to total strangers, from the one who's trying to sell you insurances to the butcher. Poor boundaires.


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## Beowulf

Acabado said:


> You need to learn about healthy boundaires. There's nobody's bussiness you current state. You rejects them politely. Period. No over inform anyboy about personal things, even less clients, specially no males. This info is only for trusted female friends, counselors, etc.
> I have a friend who divulge all kind of personal info to total strangers, from the one who's trying to sell you insurances to the butcher. Poor boundaires.


I must say Stephanie that if I found out Morrigan was discussing such intimate details of our life with total strangers I would seriously question her boundaries not to mention her respect for me and the marriage in general.


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## Beowulf

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> I am a dog trainer at Petsmart. These were random customers. They each asked in their own corny way if I had a boyfriend, I said no, I am married.


A better response would have been to say that you really really love dogs and unless they grow lots of fur and a tail.......yeah


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## warlock07

> And no warlock, i did NOT find it hot when he did that. I was infuriated. He swore up and down he didn't show up to do anything, he just wanted to meet my husband (that is really weird, and that was obvious to me even in the 'fog'). He said if I had been the one to answer the door, he would have left though... which is confusing. Makes me question his motives.


That did not stop the affair though, did it? So it wasn't infuriating enough for you. You realize what the OM did, right? He was rubbing the affair in your H's face. He was cuckolding your H. Imagine someone doing it to you.


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## Stephanie.Jackson

Yes warlock, I completely understand and see it now after you said that (sorry if that comes off as sarcastic, I am dead serious). Didn't see it that way.

I do have an issue with trusting people too much. I try to think that people are mainly good and have mostly good intentions. These men seemed fine to discuss this with until they brought up exchanging phone numbers/hanging out/ect. They weren't in my training classes though. Inbetween classes my job is to sell training classes and help customers find things in the store. One started off with looking at kennels, the other dog food, the other floor cleaner. I am extremely open, I never viewed it as something negative (however I would never discuss this with someone in my classes, but if they approach me in an unprofessional way, I feel I can be more open about my normal self and less sales-person-y). 
And honestly, most of my friends do not know about the affair, even with my husband exposing it. I just don't feel like telling EVERYONE yet because I feel it's none of their business. However, I guess telling strangers is a little therapeutic. Even if their intentions aren't the same as mine.


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## YellowRoses

Jeez, Steph wtf are you doing allowing yourself to be chatted up for 2h by 3 random guys in your workplace and talking about your unhappy marriage. 

Do you just crave attention however inappropriate?

If you do not even see anything wrong with that I'm afraid you are clueless and do not have a married mindset at all despite the best efforts of a lot of people here to help you

For all you know hubby may be sending them to check you out

Now you sound 17 not 22 

I know I'll be one of those you ignore because I'm not soft enough with you but you're heading the right way for hubby to tell you to f*** right off and don't come back.


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## snap

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> The first guy ended up talking to me for an hour, the other two were about 25 minutes or so. The first guy was the most persistent. I do not know these people, I was just doing my job. But yes, they were all douches and trying to take advantage of my situation.


An hour? 25 minutes? I'm not sure how old you are, but here's a free lesson on shooting down men: an unambiguous, simple NO gets the point across best.

- Pretty lady, are you up for a coffee?
- No, I'm married.
- Why are you not wearing a ring then?
- *polite smile* Your dog is so sweet!


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## costa200

> - Why are you not wearing a ring then?


Much better answer would be something along the lines of:

"Because i don't need one to remind me i'm married".


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## snap

Anyway, telling a man for an hour all reasons why you don't want to date him is only going to persuade him that you don't really mind. The mere amount of time you allotted to this mating game speaks volumes.


----------



## Ben Connedfussed

costa200 said:


> Plus she doesn't really need to get into that much of a detail about her life with three strange douches that made a point of showing how some men don't think twice about banging another guy's wife.


True, Costa. And yes, it is so rampant, the people I hear say things like... "Man, if I could get the play, we'de be sacking in minutes..." or other horrible remarks I hear men say about married women. I am suprised more cheaters do not get the bullet! Maybe they do, eventually. I always hear about someone getting popped or missing, and people asking..."Why, it seems so strange?! I don't know, but personally, I do not thinnk the OM's back would be safe with me, no statute of limitations, either!


----------



## Ben Connedfussed

Stephanie, I hope you get it together before something bad goes on. That also means with or without hubby. Just get safe for Christ's sake. You are too young to live this drama! Ben Connedfussed!


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## Stephanie.Jackson

Whoa okay more miscommunication here. If I spent 2 hours talking about my personal life, I am pretty sure my manager would have been angry. The reason the first guy got an hour of my time is because he just got a new puppy and needed help with basically everything. Near the last 20 minutes is when he openly admitted he was interested in me, and I told him I am married, ect. Then we'd go back to dog stuff, and he'd bring up a relationship again. Then back to the dogs.
Same with the other two as well. I don't go to work to get peoples' numbers or chit chat about my personal life (although some customers feel the need to tell me all about theirs). About 85% of the conversation for all of them was about the dogs, all turned back to that subject by me.
The last thing I want is to bring another male of any type into my life. Right now I am staying away from all men who aren't my husband like the plague.


----------



## bandit.45

Remember you cheated on your husband for months in the most blatant and cruel way possible. Surely you can stay celibate and true to him for at least the same amount of time until he decides what to do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stephanie.Jackson

Yeah why wouldn't I? Your post makes it seem like you think I am on the prowl?


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## bandit.45

Back off little girl. I've been through what your husband has been through....twice. I'm not saying you are on the prowl. I'm asking you to be patient....even if it takes months. The ball is in his court. He decides whether or not the two of you get back together. Stay doing what you're doing and continue to improve yourself. 

And quit being so damn defensive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin

Day by day...baby steps?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stephanie.Jackson

bandit.45 said:


> Back off little girl. I've been through what your husband has been through....twice. I'm not saying you are on the prowl. I'm asking you to be patient....even if it takes months. The ball is in his court. He decides whether or not the two of you get back together. Stay doing what you're doing and continue to improve yourself.
> 
> And quit being so damn defensive.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Okay old fart, but it just seems like you were saying I am out looking for men. I can be patient though, that's no problem now that I am not caring what he's doing in his day to day life. 
And that's kinda hypocritical for you to say "quit being so damn defensive" when you have to start a post with "Back off little girl". But anyways,yes the ball is in his court and I am just focusing on myself right now.


----------



## bandit.45

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> Okay old fart, but it just seems like you were saying I am out looking for men. I can be patient though, that's no problem now that I am not caring what he's doing in his day to day life.
> And that's kinda hypocritical for you to say "quit being so damn defensive" when you have to start a post with "Back off little girl". But anyways,yes the ball is in his court and I am just focusing on myself right now.


Why are all these guys hitting on you? What is it about your appearance, demeanor, or dress that seems to make them think you are an easy target?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## costa200

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> Whoa okay more miscommunication here. If I spent 2 hours talking about my personal life, I am pretty sure my manager would have been angry. The reason the first guy got an hour of my time is because he just got a new puppy and needed help with basically everything. Near the last 20 minutes is when he openly admitted he was interested in me, and I told him I am married, ect. Then we'd go back to dog stuff, and he'd bring up a relationship again. Then back to the dogs.
> Same with the other two as well. I don't go to work to get peoples' numbers or chit chat about my personal life (although some customers feel the need to tell me all about theirs). About 85% of the conversation for all of them was about the dogs, all turned back to that subject by me.
> The last thing I want is to bring another male of any type into my life. Right now I am staying away from all men who aren't my husband like the plague.


Once again, Stephanie, from a purely male perspective. That whole time the conversation was going on about dogs was just a filler. It was an excuse to open the door without sounding like total creeps (which they are). 1 hour talking about dogs? Really? There is only one reason why a guy puts up to that, and you know what it is.

The reason why bandit is trying to warn you (although probably going into hardcore mode ) is that this behavior, this allowing of flirtation is probably what landed you in this situation. There is absolutely no reason why a married person allows that kind of behavior. And i know you realize you are allowing it. 

Maybe that flirtational atitude may have made life easier in a commercial point of view, in your job. But it sends all kinds of wrong signals to men. Given that most other women that are in a serious relationship would deflect those sorts of approaches, when they find one that don't they immediately conclude that they have a chance. 

This is specially true if the woman starts complaining about her marriage and husband. That's like waving a big flag or dumping buckets of blood in the water for the sharks to follow. 

But the boat you want to be on right now (your marriage) is at the moment a tiny dingy. If your husband feels them sharks bumping it he may decide to take a ride on a safer ship.


----------



## bandit.45

Thank you Costa. I agree. I just can't get that indepth on a Blackberry. 

She needs to be patient with her hubby and avoid looking and talking like she is easy pickings.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## snap

costa200 said:


> Given that most other women that are in a serious relationship would deflect those sorts of approaches, when they find one that don't they immediately conclude that they have a chance.


Well they DO have a chance. I don't know how conscious is it on her part really, but she's leading them on.

Stephanie, it's time to learn to say 'no'. You will find this skill useful in every avenue of your life.


----------



## calvin

bandit.45 said:


> Thank you Costa. I agree. I just can't get that indepth on a Blackberry.
> 
> She needs to be patient with her hubby and avoid looking and talking like she is easy pickings.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Seems she is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Acabado

Over sharing with wrong people. avoiding conclifts to not apear rude... all those are signs of poor boundaires. It can put you in bad situations without knowing it. You can improve this. It will pay forever.

Hang there.


----------



## YellowRoses

Oh dear, I guess this got heated and some posts have been removed

When you come back Steph PLEASE show that you've had a serious look at your own behaviours if you still want to continue with your marriage

You TOLD THREE random men in ONE day you have marriage problems

You ALLOW them to pursue you beyond anything reasonable

You are giving off the WRONG signals (by accident or design I honestly don't know)

You ALLOWED your OM to do DIY work on your husband's home - was he pretty much living there when hubs was away ?

You have been married a relatively short time and actually living together an even shorter time, the affair is a HUGE proportion of your marriage. Some people cannot get over a ONS after 30y of marriage. You need to understand that

You are very young and ACTING even younger (deny it all you like but I'm afraid its true)

You seem to need and enjoy attention and drama (the men, the 3am visit, leaving to go straight to the OM etc etc)

I also remember another comment that OM's penis was the largest you'd ever seen - as you were with hubby since 16 I wonder when & where all these fully grown comparative penises came from (sorry can't help it) and whether there are more factors here

I wish any young marriage well , I really do but when I think of your serving husband and a 10m affair in his absence, there is more than a mountain to climb here


----------



## warlock07

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> Whoa okay more miscommunication here. If I spent 2 hours talking about my personal life, I am pretty sure my manager would have been angry. The reason the first guy got an hour of my time is because he just got a new puppy and needed help with basically everything. Near the last 20 minutes is when he openly admitted he was interested in me, and I told him I am married, ect. Then we'd go back to dog stuff, and he'd bring up a relationship again. Then back to the dogs.
> Same with the other two as well. I don't go to work to get peoples' numbers or chit chat about my personal life (although some customers feel the need to tell me all about theirs). About 85% of the conversation for all of them was about the dogs, all turned back to that subject by me.
> The last thing I want is to bring another male of any type into my life. Right now I am staying away from all men who aren't my husband like the plague.


friended 

Did you not your first affair will in similar circumstances? OM sought you out at your job, right?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Stephanie.Jackson

Yes Warlock, the affair began with the OM pursuing me at my old job, then bringing it over to the new job (same building, different company).

Every job I've ever had, has been about customer service. A lot of my jobs have been almost only paid through tips. I have very good customer service skills, and I can listen to a customer talk about themselves and keep a smile on my face for hours. And in nursing school, now I get to listen to my patients. To me, it's purely customer service and being polite. Not that this matters to any of you guys, but if you saw my post awhile ago, I only like black men. I haven't been attracted to a white man since i was 12, and no other race besides black has been appealing to me since then. None of these other men were of the race I prefer, so I can guarantee that my friendliness had nothing sexual or other motives to it. I was more interested in their dogs and helping them out with that problem. But yes, I am a very open individual. In fact, that is what attracted the OM so much to me. He said that while all the other employees treated him poorly, I am the only one who helped him with a smile on my face and didn't care that he dressed "ghetto" (bball shorts and wife beater) and I was just a nice person. My customer service skills are the reason I get a raise every 3 months, and I have been acknowledged by the regional manger here. But I am aware I should have cut the conversations short. I guess it's just nice to talk about.

Anyways, my husband asked me out to dinner last night. We had fun (maybe cause the margaritas were only $2 each with the special lol). Everything was good. Then at the very end of the meal, I think he had a trigger. I asked him what he was thinking about cause he got quiet and he kept saying I didn't want to hear it, but I finally got it out of him. He asked if the OM and I went there before. At first I said no. But then I felt that his question was close enough to need a different answer and if I would have omitted it, it would have been trickle truthing, which I am trying my best to make sure that doesn't happen. So I told him that we never ate their together, but on one occasion the OM did order some to-go and brought it to my work. He left the question alone after that. Later that night we texted about some random stuff then went to bed.

So that was a nice little step for us. He also told me he probably isn't going to go to Galveston with his friends (and the OW) anymore and it was probably just all talk. But that he'd like to go at some time (I'm guessing he's saying alone? hopefully if that's the case, we will be on good enough terms to go together and have some fun on the beach?).

I am taking this day by day, as is he. As for the penis thing, yes the OM was bigger than my husband. I've only seen 8 penises in my life (up close and in person) and two were NOT asked for or wanted. I've slept with 6 men in my life now. My husband has slept with like 20-25 before we got together.


----------



## costa200

> Anyways, my husband asked me out to dinner last night. We had fun (maybe cause the margaritas were only $2 each with the special lol). Everything was good. Then at the very end of the meal, I think he had a trigger. I asked him what he was thinking about cause he got quiet and he kept saying I didn't want to hear it, but I finally got it out of him. He asked if the OM and I went there before. At first I said no. But then I felt that his question was close enough to need a different answer and if I would have omitted it, it would have been trickle truthing, which I am trying my best to make sure that doesn't happen. So I told him that we never ate their together, but on one occasion the OM did order some to-go and brought it to my work. He left the question alone after that.


Stephanie, let me tell you what i got from all that. This guy loves the hell out of you. Notice that this concern of his was not directed at a sexual thing (messes with his pride as a man and if you know your black men you know what i'm talking about) and was not about his hurting due to this. It was directed at the fact that you might have gone out with this OM and have fun, like you two were having fun. That's a pure emotional thing right there. It's not about male pride and sense of "property". It's about him hating the notion that you simply enjoyed the other guy's company, his personality. 

Do you see the relevance of that to a guy? 

It's eating him up that not only you may have felt sexually better with the other guy but also emotionally. He is holding to that with all he's got (because apparently the sexual/physical side of his pride you've already blown for him).

Don't drop the ball on this guy Steph. You may never get another guy that likes you this much.


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## bandit.45

costa200 said:


> It's eating him up that not only you may have felt sexually better with the other guy but also emotionally. He is holding to that with all he's got (because apparently the sexual/physical side of his pride you've already blown for him).
> 
> Don't drop the ball on this guy Steph. You may never get another guy that likes you this much.


:iagree:


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## Beowulf

costa200 said:


> Stephanie, let me tell you what i got from all that. This guy loves the hell out of you. Notice that this concern of his was not directed at a sexual thing (messes with his pride as a man and if you know your black men you know what i'm talking about) and was not about his hurting due to this. It was directed at the fact that you might have gone out with this OM and have fun, like you two were having fun. That's a pure emotional thing right there. It's not about male pride and sense of "property". It's about him hating the notion that you simply enjoyed the other guy's company, his personality.
> 
> Do you see the relevance of that to a guy?
> 
> It's eating him up that not only you may have felt sexually better with the other guy but also emotionally. He is holding to that with all he's got (because apparently the sexual/physical side of his pride you've already blown for him).
> 
> Don't drop the ball on this guy Steph. You may never get another guy that likes you this much.


Wow, that's a great read costa.


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## Stephanie.Jackson

That makes a LOT of sense Costa, I never would have looked at it like that... ever. He did make a comment saying it was like I just went out and replaced him while he was gone. And the face smacker in that is I believe it was 100% true. That's what I did. The only UPSIDE on the affair was that it made the year long deployment flyyyyy by. But totally not worth it. And I know what I was doing was "replacing" my husband because I would get so mad at the OM for not doing everything the way my husband did it, which is silly. I would say things to the OM like "Why are you so quiet, I'm used to having conversations and laughing all the time" or "you really aren't very affectionate, are you? I need lots of hugs and things throughout the day." It drove the OM crazy and I understand why. But I really just wanted my husband home.

I'm about to go to my old house to pick up my paycheck since they mailed it there due to me changing my direct deposit. Lately, every time I see my husband I want to molest him, and every time I see him it gets harder and harder to but that's what I have to do. The selfish idiot in me almost wants to taunt him so he can't take it anymore but then that wouldn't do anything good so I am not. But I'd be lying if I said it didn't cross my mind every 30 seconds when I am around him.


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## bandit.45

Wear a bikini top and daisy dukes when you go over there.

That should do it.


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## SadSamIAm

Wow!!! 

You should read back what you wrote and think about how you would feel if your husband did this to you. That you could be replaced so easily. That it made time just fly by, having another woman to sleep with and cuddle with and talk with.

This last post could almost be put into Wikipedia as an example of how a Narcissist thinks.


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## costa200

> I'm about to go to my old house to pick up my paycheck since they mailed it there due to me changing my direct deposit. Lately, every time I see my husband I want to molest him, and every time I see him it gets harder and harder to but that's what I have to do. The selfish idiot in me almost wants to taunt him so he can't take it anymore but then that wouldn't do anything good so I am not. But I'd be lying if I said it didn't cross my mind every 30 seconds when I am around him.


The physical part is going to be hard on him. Be nice and gentle. Just never mention anything related to the other guy ever again in that field. You don't want to poke that fire, you may get burned. 



> Wow, that's a great read costa.


Thanks, coming from you, a guy that made a totally different choice in subjects related to this than the ones i think i would do, it means i must be close to the money. 

I'm a teacher, i spend all day listening to relationship drama (teacher's lounge/teenage drama). People turn to me a lot regarding stuff like this and personal problems. Even at home i can't shake it off. I guess that's who i am.


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## Stephanie.Jackson

Well, I went over there and we chatted about random stuff. Then he brought the OM up. Then he said he is sorry but he can't keep doing this, and he feels horrible because he's always given me anything and everything that I wanted, but he can't do this. I told him that I have so much I wish I could say but I am just going to do what you want and I will bite my tongue from now on. I told him that he has to start the divorce process and I will sign anything he wants and we can make it as short and painless for him, but that after I sign the last document we can no longer have any contact between us ever again. He seemed really shocked and sad about that. I just told him it would hurt to much to see him all the time and not be with him, I couldn't take that. He said he understood. Then we sat there holding each other and crying, and I got up and told him I hope you have a good life and I got in my car and left. He just stood outside on the driveway staring at nothing. (I notice this post seems cold and distant, we did talk over an hour span about the divorce, I am just giving a synopsis).

This is the part where Stephanie pays her dues. And it sucks. I am not sure if he 100% meant that he just can't work through this as much as he wants, or that he just hurt a lot after we discussed the OM (he brought up) and he is just on an emotional rollarcoaster and maybe his decision will change tomorrow, but I am taking his word and I'm preparing myself for a divorce. If he changes his mind, great. But I am not giving myself hope for that. I am the one who said "if you can't see yourself moving past this, then I guess we need to get a divorce." and told him he might as well get it started so we can be divorced within 60 days, that I just wanted to make him happy.

So he seemed sure at times that we should divorce, then other times he made it seem like he would file for a divorce because it was what I wanted (it's not). I think a part of him wants to try and work it out since it's only 2.5 weeks past dday, but I am not going to push him any further. Just stand by and watch my consequences play out.


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## costa200

The guy is in a lot of pain. The reactions you describe i consider typical of a guy that loves his wife but just doesn't feel able to get past the cheating. Every time he looks at you he will be thinking of the affair. 

But this part here:



> or that he just hurt a lot after we discussed the OM (he brought up)


Can you tell us what kind of information was passed? Was this right before he broke down?

Oh, and another thing stephanie. This post you made right here was the first i saw you not do that "me...me...me..." thing that got you into this mess. You were apparently truly thinking about his well being instead of your own desires. 

I think you've grown a few years mentally just in a few hours. I hope it's on time to salvage something from your marriage, because he really does seem like the type of guy many women would love to be with for the rest of their lives.


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## morituri

I don't mean to give you any false hope but nothing is written in stone until the divorce is finalized.


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## TBT

What happened about going to see the chaplain? Is that out the door now?


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## Stephanie.Jackson

The chaplain is horrible about calling people back. I was going to give him a call tomorrow to set us up an appt. tomorrow, but I guess that IS out the door now.

I told my husband that if I could look into the future and see that in 2 years he had no regrets and in 5 years could still not have made any progress in forgiving, then I would happily complete the divorce. I told him that I fear him making a choice now and then later regretting it. My parents did that. 2 days before signing the divorce to be completely done, my mom decided to take my dad back. Then 17 years later they divorced over different issues. So a part of me wants to just get this over with because it's what he wants at that exact second, but a part of me wants to drag it out awhile (we previously agreed not to divorce for a year for military benefits for us both, but now I do not need them, although he would appreciate the extra income) and see if over time, not in 2.5 weeks like it is now, he has made any progress and may want to work it out.

I've read a lot of posts on here from many of you men/women who said "There was no way I could ever take them back, I filed for divorce the day I found out and never looked back." and I think that is why I am doing this now. But at the same time, he told me like 10 times that he wants us to work, he loves me to death and he wants nobody else in his life and everything he ever did was always for me, but he can't see him getting over this. He said he wants to so bad but can't. Which doesn't sound as nonchalant as many posters here have sounded about their divorce.

Who knows, maybe we divorce and then later he decides to contact me so we can start fresh. I can tell he doesn't want to divorce but at the moment he can't heal, so he feels it's the only option. I am going to leave him alone completely and make up his own mind if he can move on or not, with no pressure from me.

What he said about the OM was "So how long did this affair go on? Was it over half a year? I said yes. He said "Did you wash the sheets before I came home?" I said yes (he said thank you). He asked "How many times did you guys have sex?" I said I had no idea. He said "Was it more than 10 times?" I said yes. Then he said the emotional part of my affair hurt more than the physical. Then he asked if the roles were reversed, would I take him back? And I said yes. I always knew, the day we got married, that it would take an affair, then NC, then another affair, the NC, then one last affair before I'd have the balls to divorce him, because I couldn't let him go. I told him I've known this and never told him because a lot of guys would take that as a free pass. He said I wish I was like that, but I don't think I can get past this, and that's when I said the whole divorce thing.


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## cantthinkstraight

This is one of those threads where it goes back and forth so
much that nothing seems to get resolved.

I wish I had an encouraging word to say.

But I think everything has been said.


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## morituri

Stephanie, two people can love each other with all their heart but love is not enough to make a marriage. It also takes trust and respect. If one or more of these three is missing, then the marriage days are numbered. I truly do hope that somehow the two of you can "pull a rabbit out of a hat" and are able to restore all 3.


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## Sara8

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> What he said about the OM was "So how long did this affair go on? Was it over half a year? I said yes. He said "Did you wash the sheets before I came home?" I said yes (he said thank you). He asked "How many times did you guys have sex?" I said I had no idea. He said "Was it more than 10 times?" I said yes. Then he said the emotional part of my affair hurt more than the physical. Then he asked if the roles were reversed, would I take him back? And I said yes. I always knew, the day we got married, that it would take an affair, then NC, then another affair, the NC, then one last affair before I'd have the balls to divorce him, because I couldn't let him go. I told him I've known this and never told him because a lot of guys would take that as a free pass. He said I wish I was like that, but I don't think I can get past this, and that's when I said the whole divorce thing.


Long term emotional physical affairs are the most difficult to get past. 

And having sex in the marital bed. That's gotta' be really painful for him. 

If you want him, you need to try harder and wait longer for forgiveness.

Forgiveness and R are possible, apparently. 

You might want to read Beowulf's posts


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## TBT

If you really in your heart of hearts still want your marriage,then don't give up Stephanie.This is all so recent to your husband that I would expect him to vacillate from wanting to divorce to wanting to R.He's confused and in pain and needs some time to get his head on straighter.You have to show him you will fight for your marriage.He says he doesn't think he'll be able to get through it,but that's not talking in absolutes from my perspective.When you give in so easily to a suggestion of divorce,your H could view it as what you really wanted all along and make him more resolute in not trying.He can test you like this,because he doesn't trust you.Make that call to the chaplain and try,or not.Don't regret your decision.


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## Stephanie.Jackson

I will do that Sara.

I just wrote him a 2 page letter. I did so because I read something on here about the LS having an apology letter on hand in case they have a trigger moment. I also did so because, well, he loves letters. I asked him to do 2 things; one, keep the letter on him at all times (wallet) for a couple months; two, see a chaplain on his own within the next month or so since we were never able to do it together.

Knowing my husband, he will do those things even though he may not want to (especially the chaplain). I am just going to wait, and accept whatever comes my way. I just want him to know I love him and I thank him for always being the best husband. 

And thank you JB100. I am sorry for what you are going through.


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## Stephanie.Jackson

Oh and JB100, I remember reading your thread about your WS having a better life than you, even though she cheated. Don't look at it that way.

Plus, I may make more money than my husband in the short term, but I graduate May 2013, and he gets out of the army in Oct. 2013 and is getting a job starting at about $70k (hopefully, my dad should be hooking him up with a job). So technically he will be making more. Unless I decide to become a CRNA like my mom. Who knows. Trying NOT to think like that though lol. 

Beer anyone?


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## morituri

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> Beer anyone?


Don't mind if I do. Do you have any Samuel Adams?


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## Stephanie.Jackson

Nah the only thing i have is bacardi silver strawberry flavored.

I do have margarita mix and tequila though. 

I can't drink brown beers anymore (budlight, corona, ect).


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## cledus_snow

sounds like you, instead of him, gave the ultimatum.

what a sap.


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## Stephanie.Jackson

My mom makes about $19k a month I just found out. My dad makes about $100k a year. My mom works on-call though, so that's an extra $1000 every day she works on call... I'd love to be able to say that.

To be a CRNA you have to have a bachelors in nursing, then go get your masters (another 2.5 years of school i think? or 2, I can't remember). I've spotted her on the job, looks really boring most of the time, but knowing you make that much money is exciting enough lol! She's been doing it for about 6 years now, before that she was just a nurse.
My dad works at BNSF. Some of their jobs start at $90k nowadays. He started off at $65k about 12 years ago. They've got awesome benefits as well. My husband would be too bored with my dad's job (train dispatcher). He'd probably end up doing train maintenance or something. No college necessary. They train you and you start out like that, it's ridiculous.


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## morituri

I understand that your affair had an EA element to it, so my question to you is, did you go through withdrawal when you ended it? I ask because since your husband is more hurt by the EA part of your affair, if you didn't experienced withdrawal from the OM, it could help him to know that you did not love the OM with the same intensity that you have towards him, and just make him think that there may be hope for the two of you to create a brand new marriage.


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## Stephanie.Jackson

morituri said:


> I understand that your affair had an EA element to it, so my question to you is, did you go through withdrawal when you ended it? I ask because since your husband is more hurt by the EA part of your affair, if you didn't experienced withdrawal from the OM, it could help him to know that you did not love the OM with the same intensity that you have towards him, and just make him think that there may be hope for the two of you to create a brand new marriage.


The second I confessed to my husband, my feelings for the OM completely dropped. Like he never existed. Which was so weird to me because I had thought I loved him... but my sole focus went to my husband from that point on. Crazy seeing as we spent 10 months together and I got over him in about .25 seconds. I told my husband that, he has a hard time believing me though, which I don't blame cause it sounds made up but it's completely true.

I could literally feel the fog get lifted off me. Reality hit really hard, really fast.


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## morituri

What made you believe that you were in love with the OM?


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## Stephanie.Jackson

That's a really good question. I mean I know I care/d about him. Like I don't wish anything bad upon him or blame him for this or anything like that. I think it might have been how passionately he cared about me I guess? Or maybe me trying to place the feelings I held for my husband onto him? Since everytime he did something "wrong", I'd tell him how Brandon (my husband) would never do that. Which is so wrong on so many levels, but nonetheless still happened. 

I dropped the letter off. I was going to put it in the mailbox but I noticed the garage door was still open and the lights in the house were still on.... makes me sad cause I know he has to wake up in 3 hours for work, and he's not asleep :/ I put it in the driver seat of his car.


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## Stephanie.Jackson

JB100, the reason I put "I just found out" is because my mom likes to pretend she is poor. My parents are supporting me right now (besides my measly $500 a month I make working part time) and my mom is paranoid thinking I am going to run up the credit card they gave me. My dad knows that's not how I am because at 16 they got me a card and I barely used it. I am very good with money. I mentioned previously, my mom recently asked if she could borrow $30,000 from us. 
We grew up poor so she still has a "we're poor" mindset.

LOL I barely could accept their help with my new apartment while I tried to salvage my marriage. I would NEVER ask them for money or to pay for my school, no way! That's not their job, they already did their job of raising me. I am too prideful for that. This whole apartment thing is killing my pride as it is lol.


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## morituri

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> I think it might have been how passionately he cared about me I guess? Or maybe me trying to place the feelings I held for my husband onto him? Since everytime he did something "wrong", I'd tell him how Brandon (my husband) would never do that.


I think this is something very important that your husband should know.


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## Stephanie.Jackson

Tonight when we had talked, I told him I was for sure placing the feelings I held for my husband onto the OM. I don't think he will ever be able to grasp how I told him I thought ILYBNILWY and then found out I "loved" the OM, but then all the sudden really don't give two flying craps about the OM.

He doesn't understand the fog thing at all. I wouldn't either had I not experienced it.


----------



## morituri

Wives that truly fall head over heals in love with their OM, go through a tough time withdrawing from the OM and many simply can't. This doesn't seem to be your situation and it seems like you were using the OM more like a living mannequin than a man that you wanted badly enough to spend the rest of your life with. It is beginning to look like your affair was much more sexual in nature than emotional.


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## Stephanie.Jackson

Even if I THOUGHT I loved him? I really did. Up until Dday. I even thought about leaving my husband for this man... up until Dday. Then bam, nevermind. He could move to Africa for all I care.


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## warlock07

I don't understand so many aspects of the affair. You are feeling the guilt now. But what were you feeling(towards your H) when this was going on? Hate(you hated him for leaving you quite a bit)? Neglected(H never cared for you anyway)? Indifference(I don't care what H might think)? Resentment? Or just feeling good when the affair was going on? You must have been in contact with your H regularly during his deployment. What were your feelings when you talked to him on the phone? Or skyped him? What was going on your mind when you did it on the martial bed? What was going through your mind during or after the act? You said you had the guilt the first time but what after that? Guilt but the feelings were too intense and felt great or just indifference?

Couple of things I will mention.

You said you lost interest in OM right after you confessed but did you not move in with him on the D-day.? I am assuming the affair resumed alteast for while after you moved in with him.

It is strange when you mentioned that you would forgive up to 2 affairs before you would divorce him. Kinda strange. Was this the same you expected of him subconsciously??

You cheated on him for almost an year. I think you need to fight for him a little more than a couple of weeks to earn his trust back. You must have realized the reconciling is hard work by now.


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## snap

Judging by the amount of smileys and jokes peppering her posts, she's not too burdened by it. 

At least she did the honest thing now and is letting the guy off hook.


----------



## costa200

> What he said about the OM was "So how long did this affair go on? Was it over half a year? I said yes. He said "Did you wash the sheets before I came home?" I said yes (he said thank you). He asked "How many times did you guys have sex?" I said I had no idea. He said "Was it more than 10 times?" I said yes. Then he said the emotional part of my affair hurt more than the physical. Then he asked if the roles were reversed, would I take him back? And I said yes. I always knew, the day we got married, that it would take an affair, then NC, then another affair, the NC, then one last affair before I'd have the balls to divorce him, because I couldn't let him go. I told him I've known this and never told him because a lot of guys would take that as a free pass. He said I wish I was like that, but I don't think I can get past this, and that's when I said the whole divorce thing.


Those questions are pretty standard trauma stuff. He is getting flashes of the affair. Imagining stuff that he never witnessed but fears it has happened. Specially that whole emotional part. 

But if your description of events is correct, after all that, it was you that brought up divorce. Presumably having his best interest in mind (by what you said before) you opened that door to him. If that is what it was it is commendable on your part. However i'm afraid that at this highly emotional moment that was not what your husband wanted to hear. 

It may seem difficult for you to see at that moment, but you bringing the subject of divorce right after a talk about the OM might have given the idea to your husband that what you really want is to him to just sweep it under the rug and get over it or you'll divorce him.

Hence his distress about not being able to get over it. Inadvertently you have given this man an ULTIMATUM. At a time where is pain is very raw.

You need to give this man some time and you need to get some real MC. Forget about that chaplain stuff. In my experience most of that religious driven MC try to give some sort of religous base to be together. And a marriage held on that is IMO fake. Go to a professional. This is not the time to risk it. It is important to have MC because it avoids missteps like the one i see this episode being.

And you need to work on your empathy skills. You have failed at times to understand how your husband will see things. If necessary run stuff you're going to talk to your husband by the guys here in the forum. 

There are many cheated males here. They know what your husband is going through. They know what he needs to hear and what he doesn't. Use it.


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## SadSamIAm

One thing Stephanie said earlier really makes me wonder about how society has changed.

When my wife and I got together, we discussed what would happen if one of us cheated. The answer from both of us, was that it would be a deal breaker. Not just because we didn't want each other to think they had a 'free pass'. Because we really meant it.

Anyhow, Stephanie wrote:

"I always knew, the day we got married, that it would take an affair, then NC, then another affair, the NC, then one last affair before I'd have the balls to divorce him, because I couldn't let him go."

She is saying she could handle three affairs. Wow. I would never think that someone would think that way as they are getting married. 

Maybe because young people nowadays see this happening all the time. Maybe they are being more realistic about the future. 

I have to tell you, that I don't like it. I think people going into marriage should have the attitude that it is forever. That they won't be cheating. That they can count on their partner not cheating.


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## costa200

SadSamIAm said:


> One thing Stephanie said earlier really makes me wonder about how society has changed.
> 
> When my wife and I got together, we discussed what would happen if one of us cheated. The answer from both of us, was that it would be a deal breaker. Not just because we didn't want each other to think they had a 'free pass'. Because we really meant it.
> 
> Anyhow, Stephanie wrote:
> 
> "I always knew, the day we got married, that it would take an affair, then NC, then another affair, the NC, then one last affair before I'd have the balls to divorce him, because I couldn't let him go."
> 
> She is saying she could handle three affairs. Wow. I would never think that someone would think that way as they are getting married.
> 
> Maybe because young people nowadays see this happening all the time. Maybe they are being more realistic about the future.
> 
> I have to tell you, that I don't like it. I think people going into marriage should have the attitude that it is forever. That they won't be cheating. That they can count on their partner not cheating.


That's my view on it also. If you're going into a relationship like marriage you must be all in. If you're going like "lets see if it works" that's halfway for it not working. And i'm 33, so not exactly that old. Some people do see it differently though.


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## bandit.45

snap said:


> Judging by the amount of smileys and jokes peppering her posts, she's not too burdened by it.
> 
> At least she did the honest thing now and is letting the guy off hook.


I'm a thinking Steph is going to move on quite soon.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## morituri

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> Even if I THOUGHT I loved him? I really did. Up until Dday. I even thought about leaving my husband for this man... up until Dday. Then bam, nevermind. He could move to Africa for all I care.


Thought about it? It doesn't sound like you put too much effort into turning your thoughts into actions other than having sex with the OM. If you truly loved the OM, you would have not have found it so easy to suddenly stop all contact with him without any emotional repercussions. Nobody who truly loves another can turn that love on/off like a like a light switch. If that were the case, you could have done the same thing with the love you felt for your husband and not be posting on this type of forum. It sounds more that what you experienced with the OM was something akin to a crush because of the attention he was giving you than real love. Ask yourself this, if you and your husband had agreed on an open marriage, would you still be seeing the OM? I think you believe that you loved the OM because it made it so much easier for you to justify to yourself that you wanted him sexually. After all, don't romantically inclined people believe that anything that is done in the name of love is always right? Give it some thought.


----------



## happyman64

SadSamIAm said:


> One thing Stephanie said earlier really makes me wonder about how society has changed.
> 
> I have to tell you, that I don't like it. I think people going into marriage should have the attitude that it is forever. That they won't be cheating. That they can count on their partner not cheating.


SadSam,

This is just typical of our newest generation.

Want a car you can't afford, go lease it.

Want a home you can't afford, go get a balloon mortgage!

Want someone else even if you are married, have an affair!!

Want to be with someone else even if you are married, cheat, get caught then file for Divorce!!!

Our society has really made everything so easy. Divorce attorneys love our current society. So do judges.

Haven't you noticed how many of our current politicians are lawyers????

Sadly SSadSam it is not getting any better out there.

Many people think everything is easily replaceable, even us loyal spouses.

HM64


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## cantthinkstraight

No offense to "Stephanie" here, but this thread has become a complete joke.

It seems she's more interested in hearing herself talk than
actually taking the solid advice she's been given here and making
sound choices from said advice.

You can lead a horse to water....


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## SadSamIAm

I just think she is really shallow. 

Get married, husband goes away ... oh well screw someone else for 10 months. Husband comes back ... oh well, good by OM, no real care about him. Husband not happy with affair ... oh well, if you can't get past it leave. 

I am guessing her husband will either stay (and be cheated on again and again - 3 times is her limit - not sure what her husbands limit is) or he will leave and she will have a replacement within a month or two. God help the replacement as he will be in a world of hurt. Oh well ...


----------



## Stephanie.Jackson

In reply to the whole generation thing and getting married. I got married at 19. Up until the wedding day (or perhaps week? not too sure), it hadn't crossed my mind. But being smart parents, my family said we were too young. They said marriage is hard work, and look what they had to go through. That's when I started thinking about what I would do if my husband had an affair. My mom cheated on my dad, then he had a revenge affair. This happened like 4 times throughout their marriage. So I came up with the best game plan possible about what I would do if that were to happen to me, while realistically taking in my personality & ability to forgive. I never in a million years saw myself as being the cheater.
As for the rest of the stuff you mentioned, doesn't apply to us. Bought 2 cars in cash from the dealership so we've never paid a car payment in our lives. We put $20k down on our home when using a VA loan they don't require any down payment, ect. Besides my affair, our marriage felt wonderful.

I do not really know what I felt during the affair. I was kind of in a daze. Kind of like pretending this wasn't happening I guess. We only skyped like 3 times over the year (all within the first 2 months) and he called about every 2-3 days usually. He wasn't in any danger the entire deployment (statistics of being killed/injured are higher here in america than over there at that base, his own words).

I am so sorry for putting emoticons in my post. Yes, that must mean I am not remorseful. Emoticons are totally banned if you are truly remorseful. (Sarcasm btw). Or maybe, just maybe, I had been crying for hours, that I was just physically exhausted from crying? Oh wait, emoticons negate all of that. In case any of you guys were unaware, laughing is a coping mechanism. 

As for me giving up on my husband, I am not. But he said at least 10x last night that he just can't see himself getting past this. Maybe after sleeping on it, he can. Trust me, I am still here and still his wife until the day we sign those papers, and if he decides to R one day before the final paper is signed, I am all for it. Why would someone say I am moving on quickly? No. It's called I am being patient and letting a grown man make up his mind. Never did I give him in ultimatum. When I asked him last night why he didn't just tell me from the get go that he can't get past this, his response was "I don't know, I guess I was just delaying it." Neither one of us wants to get divorced. And in my letter to him, I let him know that it sounds so crazy that two people who love each other so much and don't want this divorce to happen, are getting a divorce. I told him he could contact me whenever and that I love him with my whole being. He knows I do not want to get a divorce. But me sitting there demanding him to abide by my wishes isn't going to help ANYONE.

I really, really am grateful for some of your posts. Truly am. But like I said before, nobody can win with some of you guys. If I force myself into his life, I am wrong. If I back away and let him make his decision, I am wrong. If I put myself in a room for hours and cry and make myself miserable, I am wrong. If I go out and try to make myself a better person, then I obviously don't care about my husband, and I am wrong.

And yes, I am still going to counseling. I had to wait until July 12th though so I am in limbo, that was why we wanted the chaplain, just to fill that gap of time. I don't know what is going to happen in my marriage right away. He may or may not contact me. If he doesn't contact me, within 10 days I have to go over there to get my 15 textbooks and my backpack for school which is starting back up. I hope he calls before then though. 
Oh, and thanks Morituri, that makes a lot of sense. I don't know if he will see it that way. But I agree completely.


----------



## seasalt

I'm brand new here but certainly not to life. Back in post #125 Mrs. Jackson said "I haven't been attracted to a white man since I was 12". What twelve year old should be having any attractions to any man of any race? This is a 22 year old woman who has identified familial issues with her mutually unfaithful parents and a monochromatic view of relationships that have existed for the past ten years. This woman/girl has never grown up or developed emotionally.

I am somewhat surprised and with respect question why the long term regulars here have not responded to this and suggested that she seek help on a level appropriate to deal with family, developemental and character issues.

This play by play will not help her or her husband or anyone else in her life.


----------



## Complexity

seasalt said:


> I'm brand new here but certainly not to life. Back in post #125 Mrs. Jackson said "I haven't been attracted to a white man since I was 12". What twelve year old should be having any attractions to any man of any race? This is a 22 year old woman who has identified familial issues with her mutually unfaithful parents and a monochromatic view of relationships that have existed for the past ten years. This woman/girl has never grown up or developed emotionally.
> 
> I am somewhat surprised and with respect question why the long term regulars here have not responded to this and suggested that she seek help on a level appropriate to deal with family, developemental and character issues


Because you're being pedantic and needlessly dissecting her posts to make bizarre conclusions.


----------



## Stephanie.Jackson

seasalt said:


> Back in post #125 Mrs. Jackson said "I haven't been attracted to a white man since I was 12". What twelve year old should be having any attractions to any man of any race?


Um, I am sorry. I didn't know 12 year old girls can't have crushes??!? I thought that was normal. My bad for having my last white crush when I was 12. 

Also was unaware that because my parents (and even my husband's parents) cheated on each other. That means every child with infidelity in their parent's marriage needs counseling right away! Funny that my counselor didn't bring that up though.

And thank you Complexity.


----------



## Beowulf

Stephanie,

I haven't really seen the need to interject my opinion in your story...until now.

My wife had an affair 20 years ago. We reconciled and are extremely happy. But that's not what I want to impart. When she had her affair I didn't want to reconcile. I had to be dragged into it by her. Morrigan fought for our marriage and would not let it die regardless of how apathetic I was to staying with her. She did all this btw, when she didn't feel any love for me. After D-Day she told me flat out she still loved her AP and was only reconciling because she didn't want to break up our family. She did recover her feelings for me after her fog cleared and eventually when I saw how hard she was fighting for us I decided to work at reconciling as well. 20 years later...here we are, still together and very much in love.

I only tell you this because if Morrigan had not fought FOR US there would not be an US. I know you have been getting conflicting advice here and only you and your husband can decide how to proceed but I thought I would share that with you and ask you if you think your husband may be looking for some desperation on your part to fight for him. It may seem to him that you so easily replaced him with another man while he was gone and when he returned you again very easily replaced the OM with him. He may not feel you actually value any man and certainly not him. Just my .02 cents.


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## seasalt

Complexity,

I would think that pedantic would define someone who uses that word. I was hoping for a reply from someone like morituri or beowulf.

I don't want to subvert this thread by entering into a squirting match with you however, so this will be my only referrence to your response.


----------



## Stephanie.Jackson

Beauwolf, someone previously asked me to read your story. I couldn't find it. But that post means a lot. I do want to fight for our marriage, very much so.

Okay so here's a question for you. If I were to go back, how do I present myself after we just had that conversation last night? Would you recommend me waiting a few days, or just jump back into it? Thank you.

Edit: Or, another option, I could text him the time/date for the first MC session on July 12. One week from today. That sort of feels like a long time for him to dwell on this though.


----------



## Beowulf

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> Beauwolf, someone previously asked me to read your story. I couldn't find it. But that post means a lot. I do want to fight for our marriage, very much so.
> 
> Okay so here's a question for you. If I were to go back, how do I present myself after we just had that conversation last night? Would you recommend me waiting a few days, or just jump back into it? Thank you.
> 
> Edit: Or, another option, I could text him the time/date for the first MC session on July 12. One week from today. That sort of feels like a long time for him to dwell on this though.


Again, I'm not your husband and you aren't Morrigan but I can tell you that Morrigan's attitude was this:

*WE ARE NOT GETTING A DIVORCE! I WILL DO WHATEVER I HAVE TO TO SAVE THIS FAMILY AND REPAIR THE DAMAGE I DID!*

Of course in our case we had a young son so that certainly played into it but she just would not let us die. In truth I only "allowed" the reconciliation because I was sure she would fail and then I would have the moral high ground when we split. But that's not how it went. She never slipped up, never wavered. After a few months I became frustrated that she was not screwing up and I unleashed a tirade of verbal and metal abuse on her that I'm still ashamed of to this day. Day after day she took everything I dished out until one day she just crumpled to the floor sobbing hysterically curled up in a fetal position. I broke her. It was only then that I let myself see how hard she was working FOR US.

For a while things were very chilly between us. She was afraid of me and in reality I was afraid of myself as well. But after that I started opening up to her more and she felt her feelings returning for me. I'm not sure which happened first but it snowballed from there. 20 years later and we haven't had one regret.


----------



## crossbar

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> Also was unaware that because my parents (and even my husband's parents) cheated on each other. *That means every child with infidelity in their parent's marriage needs counseling right away!* Funny that my counselor didn't bring that up though.
> 
> And thank you Complexity.


 Actually, a lot of them do. Just like when a child has to deal with the death of a parent. They need to figure out how to deal with such and adult situation. A little bit of their childhood is lost because they have to deal with their own mortality and they are forced to grow up a little bit too soon so they can deal with a very mature situation. 

So, in your situation, there's not much difference. You were forced to witness the pain and hurt that your parents were causing each other repeatedly and (ultimately) the demise of the marriage, which is a life altering experience. The family that you knew was over for good and never coming back. There were no subtle changes in your home life. There were massive ones! So, people take their kids to professionals to help them deal and process the changes that are happening in their lives.

So, what is being suggested is that because these issues weren't addressed when you were younger. Then, what you did was "learned behavior". And by the way, this isn't an excuse, you're a grown woman and you know right from wrong.


----------



## Acabado

> When I asked him last night why he didn't just tell me from the get go that he can't get past this, his response was "I don't know, I guess I was just delaying it."


 *I guess.* The truth is he doesn't know a sh!t. That's it. He's in a emotional rollercoaster. He's hurting, he hates you, he loves you. He wants divorce your sorry ass yesterday, no wait, he loves you forever... He's asking you some questions here and there and digesting the way he can as you deliver them. He's scared to open up to you. He fears what people would think of him if he takes you back. His father whisper, not, screams, run away. His mind tells white and his heart screams black. He will flip flip like this for a very long time. Let him do all the work on filing. If he really wants to get a divorce he will do the work. Just be aviable an empathyc and loving and sexual... and humble and...


----------



## crossbar

Acabado said:


> *I guess.* The truth is he doesn't know a sh!t. That's it. He's in a emotional rollercoaster. He's hurting, he hates you, he loves you. He wants divorce your sorry ass yesterday, no wait, he loves you forever... He's asking you some questions here and there and digesting the way he can as you deliver them. He's scared to open up to you. He fears what people would think of him if he takes you back. His father whisper, not, screams, run away. His mind tells white and his heart screams black. He will flip flip like this for a very long time. Let him do all the work on filing. If he really wants to get a divorce he will do the work. Just be aviable an empathyc and loving and sexual... and humble and...


TOTALLY AGREE! He's on the roller coaster of emotions right now. Up and down, up and down..... No one know how long this ride is going to be. You just need to ride it with him and do the work you're supposed to be doing.


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## Beowulf

crossbar said:


> TOTALLY AGREE! He's on the roller coaster of emotions right now. Up and down, up and down..... No one know how long this ride is going to be. You just need to ride it with him and do the work you're supposed to be doing.


I agree with you, he is on the rollercoaster. But he's on it alone. This is why I am not in favor of separation during reconciliation. It is my belief that the WS needs to be there to help BS deal with the ups and downs. Its one way the WS shows remorse and how willing they are to do the heavy lifting necessary for reconciliation. But that's just my opinion. Others have a different view.


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## Stephanie.Jackson

Beowulf said:


> I agree with you, he is on the rollercoaster. But he's on it alone. This is why I am not in favor of separation during reconciliation. It is my belief that the WS needs to be there to help BS deal with the ups and downs. Its one way the WS shows remorse and how willing they are to do the heavy lifting necessary for reconciliation. But that's just my opinion. Others have a different view.


So how does this sound: I told him last night that I will have no part in filing and if that's what he really wants, he must do it. I won't threaten to not sign anything though. So what if I discuss with him tonight that I want us to go to MC still like we agreed to last week, all the way up until he finalizes the divorce, if he still chooses to. He can determine the speed of the divorce and I will comply as long as he attends counseling with me.

That doesn't sound threatening I hope, I don't mean for it to. I kinda want an agreement on it. Right now I am trying to fight between what I want, what he says he wants, and what I think he may really want (which is unknown).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## costa200

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> So how does this sound: I told him last night that I will have no part in filing and if that's what he really wants, he must do it. I won't threaten to not sign anything though. So what if I discuss with him tonight that I want us to go to MC still like we agreed to last week, all the way up until he finalizes the divorce, if he still chooses to. He can determine the speed of the divorce and I will comply as long as he attends counseling with me.
> 
> That doesn't sound threatening I hope, I don't mean for it to. I kinda want an agreement on it. Right now I am trying to fight between what I want, what he says he wants, and what I think he may really want (which is unknown).
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Stephanie only one thing to point out. Did you read what Beowulf said there:



> Again, I'm not your husband and you aren't Morrigan but I can tell you that Morrigan's attitude was this:
> 
> WE ARE NOT GETTING A DIVORCE! I WILL DO WHATEVER I HAVE TO TO SAVE THIS FAMILY AND REPAIR THE DAMAGE I DID!


this must be cristal clear to your husband. And he must feel that you're doing this for him, because you want HIM. Not because there are other considerations to a divorce.

What you must add to what you intend to say is that you are hellbent on making it work. Whatever it takes.


----------



## snap

Just a word of caution, don't do that if you don't really feel that way. Don't do it to impress us here, we are just a group of anonymous strangers.

Pause and think what motivates you.

If you give it a go you should be all in, there is no room for half-*ssed effort.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Stephanie, by reading over what you've been saying, you better watch out in the future when a new man comes into your life other then your husband that sparks your interest. A lot of what your saying and how your coming across is the personality of a serial cheater. I know this because I married one myself. He said a lot of the things you are telling us. You should take this as a major learning lesson and learn from your mistakes. My husband would never come home telling me how many woman hit on him at work. He'd never put himself in that situation in the first place. My husband is a very good looking man. My ex would always tell other people all the women that would come on to him. He'd actually brag about it and he is not a good looking guy at all.

My parents have major issues. My dad was an alcoholic and then a gambler. My mother is an over spender with a shopping addiction and borderline alcohol addiction. Neither my brother nor I took after our parents traits. We are both the exact opposite of our parents learning from their mistakes. I don't drink and I do not spend any money. 

Your husband truly loves you. I do hope you do not have any future affairs with him. It actually sounds like your planning 2 future affairs and you've known all along before marrying your husband that you were planning this affair. 

It seems like your intentionally pushing your husband to the edge and see how far you can push before he breaks. Race has nothing to do with anything. It doesn't matter if the man is blue, black, white, purple, green, ect... The color of our skin does not define who we are. It's our character and how we treat others. You have a good man. It sounds like he puts a lot of effort into your marriage. 

If your marriage survives this, which I think it has a good possibility. You need to back off and not be so demanding of your husband. You keep threatening him and giving ultimatums. It's been a very short time since you told him about the OM. It takes a long time to heal those wounds you created. 

Try and remain positive when you two contact each other. Being in control and crazy like will push him away. Good luck.


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## Stephanie.Jackson

Most of you guys understood what I wrote, a few of you did not. I said I could understand probably about 3 separate affairs from my HUSBAND'S side, not mine. I did not ever plan this! I was saying he could cheat on me three separate times I feel until I would finally have the ability inside myself to give up on the marriage.

Also, don't worry snap, my wanting to reconcile has nothing to do with you guys. 

I am also not saying that because our parents cheated, that it affected the way I viewed a relationship. My parents did a wonderful job hiding the infidelity between each other. It wasn't until I was about 18 that it came out more clearly, and it wasn't until I was 20, almost 21, they divorced. I had already moved out 2 years before, so it wasn't a huge deal on my family life. If my mom wasn't happy (my dad would have stayed married to her forever), and she decided to leave, that was her own prerogative. 

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby, I am glad you believe I am a serial cheater. Thanks. But I haven't given him an ultimatum. Not to offend you, but your posts that I have read seem very demanding. Not this one in particular, but I am just saying from what I have read on other threads. I know you were also very gung-ho about divorcing your ex husband ASAP. I am sorry he cheated and you think he is a serial cheater, but that doesn't mean I am as well. You're entitled to your own opinion, as am I, but I do believe people can work through infidelity, and not just because I am the cheater. Also, our contact has been pleasant until he brings up the OM. Him bringing up the OM doesn't bother me and I gladly answer his questions with complete honesty, but I want it to be known that until the OM is brought up, we are usually laughing and playing around. We do not argue. We rarely argued in our marriage and that is something that will continue through this process. He is a very good man and knows how to communicate, which I absolutely love.

I am going to go over there tonight to pick up my textbooks and then I am going to ask if he wants to go jetskiing with me soon. It's been his dream for the past 2 years to go jetskiing but he never has been able to go until now, and I know how cheap he can be and my mom already told me to use her money. I will also ask if he will continue through with MC until this divorce (that I will emphasize that I do NOT want) is, if ever, finalized.

I know he doesn't want to divorce. I just need to show him that over time, wounds can heal and it will be worth it. Gracefully.


----------



## anonim

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> Tonight when we had talked, I told him I was for sure placing the feelings I held for my husband onto the OM. I don't think he will ever be able to grasp how I told him I thought ILYBNILWY and then found out I "loved" the OM, but then all the sudden really don't give two flying craps about the OM.
> 
> He doesn't understand the fog thing at all. I wouldn't either had I not experienced it.


everyone in the fog doesnt think they are in one.

even betrayed spouses.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Your funny. I'm far from a demanding person. I never have been. I have zero expectations from anyone.

My ex husband has told my daughter that he had 3 affairs on his current wife, he had several affairs on me and was abusive. I have a zero tolerance for cheating, but that is just me. I believe if you truly love someone, you would never cheat. I would leave my husband now if he cheated. No second chance. You are getting a second chance. 

I did not say you are a serial cheater per say, I said you have the possibility of one by what you are saying. Hey, you cheated on your husband, I didn't cheat on mine. 

I do whatever I can to please my own husband. We have had a very good 12 years of marriage. We are inseparable and best friends. I would never disrespect him in any way.


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## Stephanie.Jackson

I understand your husband was a serial cheater, but honestly, when talking about infidelity, the stories usually all sound similar.
My friend's husband came home the same day as my husband, and we were sitting at my kitchen table making homecoming signs, and she said something small and meaningless, and I could tell she was cheating on her husband. I told her "You are cheating on Josh aren't you?" and she got quiet and said "yes, with his best friend." So, the stories and behaviors are very similar. She then admitted that she has been WANTING to cheat on him and doesn't think they should have gotten married. To me, that really sounds like someone who would cheat over and over again if they remained married to that person.

I forgot to add, my husband and I always tell each other about when other people come on to us strongly. In fact, months before he deployed and the OM was coming onto me, I told him all about it, and he just called the OM an idiot. At the time, I thought nothing would ever come of it so I felt comfortable telling my husband about him. We've also both admitted that it feels like a nice ego boost when people come onto us, cause we both feel we aren't very good looking (I think he is gorgeous and he thinks I am, it's just when we evaluate ourselves, we're like no). It has nothing to do with being a serial cheater, not in my eyes at least. To me, it has to do with being completely honest as well, but that is my opinion.

I've learned my lesson. If I really want to be with someone else, I will leave my husband. This isn't worth it at all. But then again, I know for a fact this only happened because my husband was deployed and absent for a year.

BTW Ilovemyhubby, i would have left your ex husband as well, especially due to the abuse. That is a total dealbreaker to me, with or without the infidelity.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

I tried very hard to get my ex h help. We even went to MC and IC. It did not help. I put my heart and soul into trying to make that relationship work. I gave it my all. However, I was relieved to find out he slept with other women. I was looking for a way out, i was tired of the abuse. I can't tell you how happy I am with my current husband. Life has given me a break. My husband stood by my side when I broke my neck 4 years ago. He didn't sign up for a crippled wife. Ever since my injury, I've done everything I can to keep him happy. My ex h would of buried me in the ground if my injury occurred while married to him telling me how worthless I am. I would never do anything to screw it up. I have it very good. 

I do believe you have a second chance at your marriage. I do know acting crazy towards someone is a turnoff. You both are young, he may not like the crazy side in you and leave for good.


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## bandit.45

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> I've learned my lesson. If I really want to be with someone else, I will leave my husband. This isn't worth it at all. But then again, I know for a fact this only happened because my husband was deployed and absent for a year.




Sigh..... :slap:


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## that_girl

Yea, it's hopeless.


----------



## aug

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> I've learned my lesson. If I really want to be with someone else, I will leave my husband. This isn't worth it at all.* But then again, I know for a fact this only happened because my husband was deployed and absent for a year.*



Allow me to be blunt.

You cheated because your moral boundary is weak. Find ways or reasons why it should be stronger.


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## Stephanie.Jackson

Yes, my moral boundary is weak. I am saying that the affair wouldn't of occurred or crossed my mind if the deployment never happened (I am not saying this is the deployments fault, or that it's excusable). If life would have continued on normally, I can say with 100% certainty that the affair wouldn't have happened, that is all. There is nothing wrong with saying that, and my husband knows it as well.


----------



## Stephanie.Jackson

Oh, I forgot to add, I just got back from the house and I told him that although he may be ready to throw in the towel, I am not and so I would appreciate it if he would continue on with marriage counseling with me, and he said that's totally fine with him (even smiled). Then I told him if he wants to, I'd like to take him jetskiing next week. He got really giddy over that, then asked why do I want to do that. I told him that I want to continue having fun with him as long as I can. He said that sounds great and he will get back to me on a date we can go.


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## Phenix70

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> Yes, my moral boundary is weak. *I am saying that the affair wouldn't of occurred or crossed my mind if the deployment never happened* (I am not saying this is the deployments fault, or that it's excusable). If life would have continued on normally, I can say with 100% certainty that the affair wouldn't have happened, that is all.* There is nothing wrong with saying that*, and my husband knows it as well.


You still won't take responsibility for what you did & until you do, your R has no chance because you're still lying. 
Of course there's something wrong with saying that, it's a cop out because you're trying to avoid taking responsibility for YOUR choice.
It's not the deployment's fault, it's not your husband's, hell it's not even the OM's fault. 
This squarely rests 100% on your shoulders & the sooner you get that through your head the better off you'll be.
Until you fully accept that this is all because of YOU, you're not going to have a true R.


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## StandingInQuicksand

"If I want to be with someone else, I'll leave my husband."

This is something my WH said as a promise for our future. This is where his (and your) problem is. You can NOT be committed to a marriage or a person if there is the possibility in your mind or heart of "someone else". No. Marriage is forever and means you forsake ALL others. No matter who you meet in the future and how wonderful they may truly be...you married your husband!

This is a big reason my H and I are on the path to D even though I was open to R.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## crossbar

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> Oh, I forgot to add, I just got back from the house and I told him that although he may be ready to throw in the towel, I am not and so I would appreciate it if he would continue on with marriage counseling with me, and he said that's totally fine with him (even smiled). Then I told him if he wants to, I'd like to take him jetskiing next week. He got really giddy over that, then asked why do I want to do that. I told him that I want to continue having fun with him as long as I can. He said that sounds great and he will get back to me on a date we can go.


Okay...so baby steps.


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## Stephanie.Jackson

I have taken responsibility for what I've done. Not once have I blamed anyone or anything. There is nothing wrong with saying that it wouldn't have happened if the deployment didn't occur. It's the truth. I wouldn't have had the want of replacing my husband while he was gone. Never did I say this deployment ruined me/us. It was a part of the circumstances that led to the affair, yes, but so were other things. Had the deployment never happened, or had other things fallen into different place, it wouldn't have occurred. So stop saying that I am blaming something else when I have taken full responsibility of my actions.

Also, no I am not going out hunting down other guys. But honestly, what I said was true. I never said "If I find a cute guy I'm attracted to, I will leave my husband." I'm saying if I stupidly place myself in this same situation, which I NEVER plan on doing but let's just theoretically say it happened, I would leave my husband. I never want to betray my husband like this ever again, and I am mad at myself for letting it happen once. Asking if I want to do it again is a pointless question. Yes, I understand there are serial cheaters out there, but that is not who I am trying to be and I will make sure I never give my husband a reason to say "darnit, I shouldn't have given her a second chance."

And yes crossbar, baby steps. I figure he can't think too much about the OM if he's skiing on the water  but no seriously, I just want him to have a good time. A really good time. And I'd like to be right there with him.


----------



## costa200

> Oh, I forgot to add, I just got back from the house and I told him that although he may be ready to throw in the towel, I am not and so I would appreciate it if he would continue on with marriage counseling with me, and he said that's totally fine with him (even smiled).


Do you know why he smiled? I take smiling in this situation as a sort of relief. You already said you weren't giving an ultimatum to your husband. But i believe, according to your description of events, that it was understood as such. 


You did good there making yourself the mover in the relationship. He must feel you willing to do that, because he must be exhausted. Mentally, that is.

Now to the guys who keep sniping at stephanie, i understand you guys. If you look at my posts you will see that i take a very hard line with cheating and that if it was me i would have dumped a cheater in a lake of fire without a second thought. BUT this woman's husband has decided to work at it and Stephanie seems to be remorseful and decided to make it up for her shortcomings. She is asking for help in doing that. 

It serves little to no purpose to have her defend herself every 4-5 posts. So, instead of going back to her faults, that she is becoming aware of, i would ask the most experienced guys to give her precise indications on what she effectively needs to do. , instead of sidetracking this whole thread.

Stephanie, i know the environment here is... hostile... But i think you are making progress, so keep yourself together alright?


----------



## Monroe

I don't want to sound mean... but I hope he isn't stringing you along. Playing nice until he can get a divorce.


----------



## costa200

Monroe said:


> I don't want to sound mean... but I hope he isn't stringing you along. Playing nice until he can get a divorce.


What do you mean? As far as i know the guy could file for D today if he wanted. She even opened the door for him.


----------



## Acabado

Stringing her along for what?


----------



## Monroe

costa200 said:


> What do you mean? As far as i know the guy could file for D today if he wanted. She even opened the door for him.


I guess I didn't type it the way I was saying it in my head.... SO sorry I confused you....

By stringing her along I meant, being nice to her... "sure, I will go jet-skiing with you" (said with a smile)...

"sure I will go to counseling with you" (said with a smile)...

In the mean time, he is at the attorney's office signing divorce papers... which would hurt Stephanie and would bring more threads like this.


----------



## costa200

Monroe said:


> I guess I didn't type it the way I was saying it in my head.... SO sorry I confused you....
> 
> By stringing her along I meant, being nice to her... "sure, I will go jet-skiing with you" (said with a smile)...
> 
> "sure I will go to counseling with you" (said with a smile)...
> 
> In the mean time, he is at the attorney's office signing divorce papers... which would hurt Stephanie and would bring more threads like this.



LOL that's devious...

But i don't think this is the case here. If he was going to do that he would not have moments of weakness like crying in her arms and stuff. He would be acting like he was totally fine and dandy, then strike...


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## that_girl

You blamed the deployment for your affair.  

I have friends whose husbands go on long deployments...and they don't cheat. They actually meant their vows.

That's what being a MILITARY WIFE is all about. Long absences of your husband. I hope he doesn't have to go on another one! EEP!


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## bandit.45

I'm feeling nauseous reading this thread. I think I'll avoid it from now on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## costa200

bandit.45 said:


> I'm feeling nauseous reading this thread. I think I'll avoid it from now on.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Everybody take a step back Bandit is about to get banned again


----------



## anonim

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> *I understand your husband was a serial cheater, but honestly, when talking about infidelity, the stories usually all sound similar.*
> My friend's husband came home the same day as my husband, and we were sitting at my kitchen table making homecoming signs, and she said something small and meaningless, and I could tell she was cheating on her husband. I told her "You are cheating on Josh aren't you?" and she got quiet and said "yes, with his best friend." So, the stories and behaviors are very similar. She then admitted that she has been WANTING to cheat on him and doesn't think they should have gotten married. To me, that really sounds like someone who would cheat over and over again if they remained married to that person.
> 
> I forgot to add, my husband and I always tell each other about when other people come on to us strongly. In fact, months before he deployed and the OM was coming onto me, I told him all about it, and he just called the OM an idiot. At the time, I thought nothing would ever come of it so I felt comfortable telling my husband about him. We've also both admitted that it feels like a nice ego boost when people come onto us, cause we both feel we aren't very good looking (I think he is gorgeous and he thinks I am, it's just when we evaluate ourselves, we're like no). It has nothing to do with being a serial cheater, not in my eyes at least. To me, it has to do with being completely honest as well, but that is my opinion.
> 
> I've learned my lesson. If I really want to be with someone else, I will leave my husband. This isn't worth it at all. But then again, I know for a fact this only happened because my husband was deployed and absent for a year.
> 
> BTW Ilovemyhubby, i would have left your ex husband as well, especially due to the abuse. That is a total dealbreaker to me, with or without the infidelity.


Yes, all the stories of cheaters sound similar, and once one has perused the forums after a while, you begin to notice patterns in peoples behavior. And most of the time there's not a damned thing you can do about it, even though you know whats going to happen next.

Its like watching a train about to hit a semi that's stuck on the raid road crossing. In slow motion.

The patterns are different between cheating spouses that are remorseful, accept responsibility for choosing to have an affair instead of leaving or committing to their marriage, but still want to try to make up the damage they've done to their partner.

The other side of the pattern are cheaters that have no remorse, guilt, understanding or shame, of the pain and harm they brought to their partner, given they had the options of leaving or fully committing to their marriages. They (the cheaters) often blame the betrayed partner for the affair and instead of making a clean break (either for the husband or the OM) they will live on the husbands dollar _while_ seeing (read as screwing) the OM. Here at TAM, this is called cake eating, after the expression of having your cake and eating it too.

If forced to make a decision where all options are against their interests, the remorseless cheater will often feign remorse.

This usually is enough to deceive a casual observer or a desperate betrayed spouse, but an experienced observer will notice that certain behaviors are '_off_', and that the 'former' cheater is repeating certain behavioral, mental and social habits and associating with certain people, especially those which led up to or enabled the infidelity.

Note also, a faking remorseful cheater is unable to achieve full empathy or understanding of their betrayed partner and will prioritize their own hurt feelings over the betrayed partners, even when the betrayed partners pain was caused directly by an action of the cheating partner and is significantly more painful.



This is a dangerous behavior, people that are susceptible to ego boost from being hit on are more enclined to end up in circumstances where they cheat ESPECIALLY if they have poor boundary setting skills. This is something you could choose to learn about.


You say, "_If I really want to be with someone else, I will leave my husband._" and "_But then again, I know for a fact this only happened because my husband was deployed and absent for a year._"

These are major problems for your husband or anyone else that gets into a long term relationship with you in the future.

You took advantage of the person you were closest too and you took advantage of him because he was deployed.

Seeing a marriage counselor and not seeing an individual therapist will not help you to find the reason why you took advantage of your husband, which is important if you intend not to do it again.


----------



## Stephanie.Jackson

Bandit, I am feeling nauseous from this thread, because of exactly what Costa said. I think I will just ignore the posts that are like that. I do not need to explain things to people who just want to examine each and every word I say and turn it around on me.

But I highly doubt he is stringing me along, the emotions he showed yesterday would indicate that. I still don't see how I am/was giving an ultimatum, but that might be because I'm the one saying it. As the person who is hearing it, or the people who I am relaying the conversation to, it may come off that way, and that is why I am glad to be able to discuss this stuff here because if he honestly took it that way, I never would have known if I didn't come here. 

Is it bad to maybe hope that with counseling every week, and us going out and having a bunch of fun, this might seem worthwhile to him? I know going jetskiing isn't going to make him fine and dandy, but it's something he's been saying for years that he wants to do together and so it might maybe, just maybe, help push him to make or not make his decision. I know we can work through this, and I can be an even better wife than before (and yes for you nitpickers, I mean before the affair ever occurred). 

This is his second deployment (first one went smoothly) and besides this NCO training camp thing he has for 3 weeks in October, he shouldn't be leaving anywhere else before he gets out of the army in Oct. 2013.

That_Girl, I am glad you have FRIENDS who have gone through deployments. Not saying anything bad about your friends, but from what I've recently discovered, many many many wives cheat than you know. None of my friends know about my affair or ever suspected a thing like that ever. According to my husband, many husbands over there cheated as well, but nobody is any the wiser. He refused to tell me names since I know them he said.


----------



## Stephanie.Jackson

Anonim, that was very colorful 

Well, I am honest to God sorry for the people who were betrayed and then were given fake remorse. That is just cutting a wound deeper. 

I am not going to spend my life on this forum, dedicating all my free time to convincing strangers that I am not a serial cheater. If you choose to believe that, go right on ahead. Luckily (I think lol) none of you guys are my husband. 

But thinking that just because we both like getting compliments from strangers indicates that we are cheaters, is like saying my husband is a cheater because he loves it when his friends tell him when I am not around that I am "hot" (this is what he has said, i've never heard it myself). He gets a thrill off that. He enjoys me dressing "hot" when I am with him, but really feels uncomfortable with me dressing "hot" when he is not here (well duh). I am fine with this. I do not see this as a control thing for you random people who will pick at that. And I know you don't have to dress provocatively to attract a man, as the OM only saw me in scrubs the first 5 months he pursued me (and again for you nitpickers, I totally didn't catch onto his flirtiness until he specifically asked if I had a b/f).

Okay I am done.


----------



## costa200

> and I can be an even better wife than before (and yes for you nitpickers, I mean before the affair ever occurred).



:rofl:

Now you're picking on...




> According to my husband, many husbands over there cheated as well, but nobody is any the wiser. He refused to tell me names since I know them he said.


It's an historical fact that many men get cheated on when they go to war. Just goodle "dear john letters in WWII". It kinda makes me sad that men that are risking their lives, getting shot at, getting injured or killed, have their spouses in safety cheating them. It's just not right...


----------



## Stephanie.Jackson

costa200 said:


> It's an historical fact that many men get cheated on when they go to war. Just goodle "dear john letters in WWII". It kinda makes me sad that men that are risking their lives, getting shot at, getting injured or killed, have their spouses in safety cheating them. It's just not right...


I actually meant he was saying his buddies were cheating on their wives while they were deployed. Like, the soldiers are cheating in Afghanistan. He hid this from me until he got home to keep me from worrying... I know... facepalm x1000.


----------



## costa200

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> I actually meant he was saying his buddies were cheating on their wives while they were deployed. Like, the soldiers are cheating in Afghanistan. He hid this from me until he got home to keep me from worrying... I know... facepalm x1000.


Yeah, that is bound to happen to. It seems distance makes people forget themselves.


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## Stephanie.Jackson

I think it helped disconnect me from reality. Which isn't a good thing.

In other news, I've lost 7lbs so far from working out every time I get sad/angry/filled with thoughts. As long as I haven't started drinking by then lol. 11 lbs to go. He said he's been working out a bunch too. And wants to learn spanish. Maybe I should learn spanish first and beat him  jk.


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## costa200

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> I think it helped disconnect me from reality. Which isn't a good thing.
> 
> In other news, I've lost 7lbs so far from working out every time I get sad/angry/filled with thoughts. As long as I haven't started drinking by then lol. 11 lbs to go. He said he's been working out a bunch too. And wants to learn spanish. Maybe I should learn spanish first and beat him  jk.


Do it, doing stuff together is fine. Plus, Spanish is a romantic language.


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## TBT

It's good you're getting out jet-skiing with your H.Any amount of time out together is going to help you to re-bond.When you're in IC maybe you can get help in understanding exactly what your personal boundaries have been like and what you can do to improve them and make them stronger.It will only benefit you in the long run even if your marriage ends in divorce.I'm hoping it doesn't.


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## Beowulf

Stephanie,

Once again I'll chime in. If you truly want to reconcile with your husband, if you truly want to repair the damage you've caused then you will not settle for any thought, word or action that does not lead to this goal. Put everything else out of your mind. With every action think "how does this affect my husband and our marriage." With every thought think "does this help me get in the correct mindset for reconciliation." With every word think "how can I express this so that my husband knows how much I truly love him." You need to have simultaneous paths working at all times. The first path is that you need to be doggedly determined to stay married to your husband. You need to do whatever you need to in order to stay with him. And I mean everything. The second path is that you need to make your husband feel safe to be around you, safe to be in a relationship with you. You may see him as a big tough military guy but right now he is a fragile as a china tea cup. He needs to know he can eventually trust you with his heart again.

Keep these things in mind as you walk down this road and I feel you can be successful.


----------



## Stephanie.Jackson

Well, we talked for about 2 hours on the phone tonight. He said that he wants to go jetskiing, but that he thinks we still need our space. Which I understand because he said that like 2 weeks ago and we still see each other every day. I got the last of my stuff that I will need earlier today so he said we need to try not to see each other for about a month. Then maybe go to the lake and stuff.

Okay, here is where it gets a little rated R so beware.

I told him that I am still his wife, and if he ever called me up and said come over, let's do it, then you leave, I wouldn't be offended nor would i throw it back in his face for sleeping with me. Well then he said, now that you mention it, I could really use some... ya know. Anyways, I surprised him by pulling up into the house and I ... well knocked his socks off. But the amazing thing that happened tonight, that has never happened in the 5 years we've been together, is I actually finished. With my husband. Wow, still shocked (happy shocked).

Then I put my shirt on and was about to leave and he was confused... said "this is weird. you just had sex with me... then leave with no issues. it's like you're a man" he was laughing when he said this. I probably would have stayed for a few minutes but he is only getting 2 hours of sleep as it is so I left. Now, it's just working on our staying away from each other thing. He said the counseling thing is still happening though.

Sorry for the TMI!


----------



## crossbar

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> Well, we talked for about 2 hours on the phone tonight. He said that he wants to go jetskiing, but that he thinks we still need our space. Which I understand because he said that like 2 weeks ago and we still see each other every day. I got the last of my stuff that I will need earlier today so he said we need to try not to see each other for about a month. Then maybe go to the lake and stuff.
> 
> Okay, here is where it gets a little rated R so beware.
> 
> I told him that I am still his wife, and if he ever called me up and said come over, let's do it, then you leave, I wouldn't be offended nor would i throw it back in his face for sleeping with me. Well then he said, now that you mention it, I could really use some... ya know. Anyways, I surprised him by pulling up into the house and I ... well knocked his socks off. But the amazing thing that happened tonight, that has never happened in the 5 years we've been together, is I actually finished. With my husband. Wow, still shocked (happy shocked).
> 
> Then I put my shirt on and was about to leave and he was confused... said "this is weird. you just had sex with me... then leave with no issues. it's like you're a man" he was laughing when he said this. I probably would have stayed for a few minutes but he is only getting 2 hours of sleep as it is so I left. Now, it's just working on our staying away from each other thing. He said the counseling thing is still happening though.
> 
> Sorry for the TMI!


See, he's all over the place. Not wanting to see you for a month; yet, wants to go to counseling. Not wanting to see you; yet, getting together for a booty call. Not wanting to see you; yet, still wanting to go jetskiing. This is part of the coaster ride. 

What you need to do is focus on ONE THING AT A TIME. Go jetskiing and leave it at that. Take it as a small victory. One thing at a time. 

Also, don't be surprised if he calls you up for more booty calls. This would be a case of something called hysterical bonding. That's probably why the sex you just had was so intense. Hysterical bonding is nothing more than a subconsious, animalistic response from him to reclaim what he believes is his. If this happens, DO NOT take this as a sign of his forgiveness. It is what it is so don't read too much into it.


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## Acabado

Worse can happen is indiference. So being in thi rollercoaster and flip floping is actually positive given the huge betrayal he has to endure.

Glad to hear things can, always could, be better in the bed department. Seems once you started you got the trick forever. Just imagine the future.


----------



## Beowulf

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> Well, we talked for about 2 hours on the phone tonight. He said that he wants to go jetskiing, but that he thinks we still need our space. Which I understand because he said that like 2 weeks ago and we still see each other every day. I got the last of my stuff that I will need earlier today so he said we need to try not to see each other for about a month. Then maybe go to the lake and stuff.
> 
> Okay, here is where it gets a little rated R so beware.
> 
> I told him that I am still his wife, and if he ever called me up and said come over, let's do it, then you leave, I wouldn't be offended nor would i throw it back in his face for sleeping with me. Well then he said, now that you mention it, I could really use some... ya know. Anyways, I surprised him by pulling up into the house and I ... well knocked his socks off. But the amazing thing that happened tonight, that has never happened in the 5 years we've been together, is I actually finished. With my husband. Wow, still shocked (happy shocked).
> 
> Then I put my shirt on and was about to leave and he was confused... said "this is weird. you just had sex with me... then leave with no issues. it's like you're a man" he was laughing when he said this. I probably would have stayed for a few minutes but he is only getting 2 hours of sleep as it is so I left. Now, it's just working on our staying away from each other thing. He said the counseling thing is still happening though.
> 
> Sorry for the TMI!


I'll put this as delicately as I can.

Keep connecting.


----------



## crossbar

Beowulf said:


> I'll put this as delicately as I can.
> 
> Keep connecting.


Are you saying that she should continue doing the nasty? Bumping uglies? The mattress mambo? That they continue to shag? snog? bump and grind? The slipadeedipadee? coitus? Intercourse?

Just seeing if Im tracking here....


----------



## warlock07

Just be aware that you might start feeling used after a while if you get back nothing in return. So stay aware of your feelings. Stop it when you start feeling uncomfortable about the arrangement.


----------



## Beowulf

crossbar said:


> Are you saying that she should continue doing the nasty? Bumping uglies? The mattress mambo? That they continue to shag? snog? bump and grind? The slipadeedipadee? coitus? Intercourse?
> 
> Just seeing if Im tracking here....


I would say any way to stay in his life while he works through things is advisable.


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## LookingForTheSun

I agree about staying intimate. You are still married - there is no shame. It only becomes a problem if you or he starts feeling uncomfortable with it. Otherwise, I think it is important - it is connection. And aren't most affairs about connection/sex? You need to bring home what you took outside the marriage.


----------



## Stephanie.Jackson

Thank you for the concern, Warlock. I think I have finally learned how to take sex for what it is, just sex. Maybe I learned that with the OM. Because looking back, that's all it was, a physical body replacing my husband during his absence. I used to be very emotionally tied to sex. IF I get back to that point and start feeling used, I will definitely stop. But in the meantime, it's been like 2 weeks, I was definitely happy  

He said no jetskiing until we've been apart for a while (he said a month or two, I have a feeling he will do it sooner than that. No I am not trying to be c*cky, I'm saying he said this earlier and stays in constant contact). 

Last night when we were talking, he called specifically because it was bothering him that I said if we divorced, we cannot be friends. He asked why can't we be friends if we divorced, that divorce is just a piece of paper technically. I said why would you even want to be friends with someone who hurt you so bad, that every time you look at this friend you see the hurt they caused you and get so angry? And he said "It wouldn't be like that forever. Over time I could look at you and not see this affair, and we could hang out and have fun." BAM he got quiet. Because he just admitted to me, and to himself that he can move past this, over time. After like 30 seconds of not saying anything, he just said oh my gosh... I totally understand what you've been saying this whole time.... why could I get over this as your friend, but not if we're in a relationship..

Then he called back and was like "We can't be friends. We will always wants to hold each other, kiss, and have sex. But at the same time I want to see you."

Basically, nothing he is saying makes sense. At all. It's that rollercoaster he is on. Cause then he called back and that's when he said let's take a break from each other for a month or two, then see where we go from there and let nature take it's course. He is confusing but I do love him


----------



## Sara8

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> Basically, nothing he is saying makes sense. At all. It's that rollercoaster he is on. Cause then he called back and that's when he said let's take a break from each other for a month or two, then see where we go from there and let nature take it's course. He is confusing but I do love him


He likely has PTSD, In some cases it can actually shrink the hippocampus of the brain. Hopefully that did not happen to him. Only brain imaging equipment before and after could know for sure or if it's smaller that average. 

PTSD causes forgetfulness and hypervigiliance and yes confusion. You can't think straight with PTSD, it's difficult to organize your thoughts and your life.

I think he realized he can get past it. And, you seem so remorseful, I am truly hoping that you two reconcile and you keep your promise of fidelity. 

Be patient with his confusion. If you want him, you need to fight for him. 

Please google post infidelity PTSD. 

Best wishes, stephanie.


----------



## Beowulf

Sara8 said:


> He likely has PTSD, In some cases it can actually shrink the hippocampus of the brain. Hopefully that did not happen to him. Only brain imaging equipment before and after could know for sure or if it's smaller that average.
> 
> PTSD causes forgetfulness and hypervigiliance and yes confusion. You can't think straight with PTSD, it's difficult to organize your thoughts and your life.
> 
> I think he realized he can get past it. And, you seem so remorseful, I am truly hoping that you two reconcile and you keep your promise of fidelity.
> 
> Be patient with his confusion. If you want him, you need to fight for him.
> 
> Please google post infidelity PTSD.
> 
> Best wishes, stephanie.


Many of us suffered PTSD after D-Day, me included. Of course it was only many years later that I figured that out.


----------



## Stephanie.Jackson

I will discuss the PTSD thing with my counselor on Thursday. I read up on it though, thank you.

My counseling session on Thursday will most likely be IC because he said he may not be in town since he has 20 days off from work (july 10-30th). I may prefer it that way though, just so she can help me out a bit and give me even more insight, then meet him.


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## costa200

> But the amazing thing that happened tonight, that has never happened in the 5 years we've been together, is I actually finished. With my husband. Wow, still shocked (happy shocked).


You women are so weird. Same guy, same mechanics, only the emotional side changed, and BAM... Delight. Like Beowulf said, keep "connecting".

I find it is a very good sign that he called you over. It means that at least he doesn't think you're disgusting (i've seen many males saying this and acting accordingly, some are never able to perform sexually with that woman again).

It's going to take time and effort, but you got a chance, don't blow it. Specially be aware when he gets deployed again.


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## Stephanie.Jackson

He will not be deploying again 

I believe the OM taught me how to have an orgasm, and get myself into the right mindset. It really is a mind thing. However, he did put a lot more effort into it than he used to. We discussed it before I came over.... the things I wished were different in that department and stuff. So between my new-found ability/knowledge and his putting in more effort, I was able to reach the big O. If he had done what he was doing the last 2 years, I never would have.


----------



## morituri

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> I think I have finally learned how to take sex for what it is, just sex. Maybe I learned that with the OM. Because looking back, that's all it was, a physical body replacing my husband during his absence. I used to be very emotionally tied to sex.
> 
> I believe the OM taught me how to have an orgasm, and get myself into the right mindset. It really is a mind thing. However, he did put a lot more effort into it than he used to. We discussed it before I came over.... the things I wished were different in that department and stuff. So between my new-found ability/knowledge and his putting in more effort, I was able to reach the big O. If he had done what he was doing the last 2 years, I never would have.



I don´t think the OM taught you anything except that there are predatory men out there who are looking for vulnerable married women to have sex with. 

*Maybe you learned to orgasm because you discovered how important passion is to sex*. Let´s face it, *passion* can make even the most mundane of tasks extremely pleasurable. People who attack life with a passion excel in almost everything in life.


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## Stephanie.Jackson

That's true. We both needed more passion in our sex lives.


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## Paladin

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> ...I believe the OM taught me how to have an orgasm...If he had done what he was doing the last 2 years, I never would have.


Having an orgasm is a natural human function. If you had not communicated to your husband what your physical needs were prior to him having sex with you, he would have done what he was doing for the last two years. Communication is important for every aspect of a relationship.

BTW, the sooner you stop assigning positive traits to the OM, the better your chance to save your marriage will be. You should be repulsed by the thought of what you allowed him to do to your marriage, and how much that hurt your partner, and by extension, should be repulsed by him.


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## shazam

Yay lets put a positive spin on your affair!!!:smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:


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## Acabado

I have a female friend that had her first orgasm, with her husband of 20 years after her 43th birthday's party. She already had given up but then started paying attention at her body, her reactions and boy... she claimed had become a sex addict (she was as normal as the next door girl), she started using toys, reading about the G-spot, positions, she nearly killed her husband for a solid year before things started to calm down. Sadly there's a high proportion of women who never had it in their lives. 

What's the diference between the being friends after divorce and reconciliation? Being friends means he doesn't risk his heart again. Staying married means he has to put himself in the cross line again, enduring who knows for how much time very little trust, the uncertainty of being burned again next time you decided to drop your boundaires. Then there are many, many things like justice, pride, further emaculation, gossips, family influence, shame... Maybe he thinks he could reconcile if he was able to fight those things and if you manage to make him believe you can "affair proof" yourself (I always felt insulting this "affair proof" the marriage concept, there's not such a thing because it doesn't involve personal responsability). You are young, have no children... the idea of starting fresh is way more appealing.
From the things you wrote I believe he still loves you, he's obviously attracted to you, he's even putting effort in pleasuring you and is being rewarded for it, can see a future...?
I'm sending positive vibes ahead so you have your chance at reconcilliation.

ETA
Maybe he's trying to clean you up of OM?


----------



## Stephanie.Jackson

I am not necessarily trying to glorify the OM, like I said, I do not miss him or want him back in my life at all. But being in that "relationship" helped me achieve my first orgasm. I've read books, all over the internet, asked other people, and no matter what couldn't achieve it. I gave up and tried to just relax... nope. 

I definitely believe there was too little communication about why our sex life (to me only) was bad. I always thought I was broken... I couldn't orgasm and everything down there hurts so bad... but then like I said, I found those pills and that cleared the pain/irritation down there and now I can achieve the big O. I guess I just didn't want to hurt his man ego :/


----------



## morituri

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> I definitely believe there was too little communication about why our sex life (to me only) was bad. I always thought I was broken... I couldn't orgasm and everything down there hurts so bad... but then like I said, *I found those pills and that cleared the pain/irritation down there and now I can achieve the big O*. I guess I just didn't want to hurt his man ego :/


Pills?:scratchhead:


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## Acabado

You learn to speak for your self without hurting his ego. If you needs more foreplay to ask. Open up to him. Pills are a band aid.


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## Stephanie.Jackson

No Acabado, these pills are necessary. I don't feel like divulging on the internet why, but I needed them. For the last 6 years I needed them.

And the foreplay thing was brought up before a lot. But not the other stuff.


----------



## shazam

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> I am not NECESSARILYtrying to glorify the OM, like I said, I do not miss him or want him back in my life at all. But being in that "relationship" helped me achieve my first orgasm. I've read books, all over the internet, asked other people, and no matter what couldn't achieve it. I gave up and tried to just relax... nope.
> 
> I definitely believe there was too little communication about why our sex life (to me only) was bad. I always thought I was broken... I couldn't orgasm and everything down there hurts so bad... but then like I said, I found those pills and that cleared the pain/irritation down there and now I can achieve the big O. I guess I just didn't want to hurt his man ego :/


You even admit that you are glorifying the OM.


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## Paladin

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> .. I don't feel like divulging on the internet why..


Seems so odd, with you going into so many private details of your life in this thread, and your conversations at work with random people about your issues, that you would make that statement given the inherent anonymity of posting on the net


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## Stephanie.Jackson

His loss is not addressed because maybe he has no loss (besides the emotional wreck I made him with my actions, and all the hurt I caused him). He is going to be fine financially, he's a good looking man, and he's sweet as can be still. His only loss would be of his best friend really. 

He explained what the hotel thing was about a couple days ago and it's made perfect sense and so I've dropped it. He said he is not on the prowl or anything. I believe we've come to a mutual agreement that he really likes to have sex with me, and I totally will give him whatever he wants in that department if he so decides to call me up and ask.

So my counselor thing this coming Thursday wasn't able to go through due to insurance purposes, so I had to pick another one. My appt is tomorrow at 10am with this guy, so hopefully it goes well. My husband said as long as they let him off for work (he said they should, the army is all about marriage reconciliation), he will be there. It's funny because on Thursday night when we talked, he said NO COMMUNICATION between us, except for the counseling thing (I will just text him the time/date/address and hope he shows up). So yesterday I texted him all the info, and he responded "I will be there if they let me get off work." So I said "K". Well he called me at 1am today and just told me all about his day and his new truck... we talked for like 30 minutes before I got too curious and asked why he called (not in a mean way, just confused) and he said "I promised i would call to let you know I am going to try and make it to the counseling session" and I was like "you never promised me you'd call... I thought that was what the text was for" and he said "I promised myself I would call." I thought that was really odd. I think he was bored and wanted to chit chat. But anyways, I will see him tomorrow in counseling, which I really can't wait cause it's been since Thursday night so I'm excited to see him  He's not very good with the NC thing though, but I'm not complaining


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## YellowRoses

He's lost the wife he thought he had

He's lost the life he thought he had

No not much of a loss


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## Beowulf

YellowRoses said:


> *He's lost the wife he thought he had
> 
> He's lost the life he thought he had*
> 
> No not much of a loss


Stephanie,

You need to read this and understand, really understand. Do you understand that right now your husband has lost his life. He is questioning everything about himself, every decision he's ever made is being second guessed. He wonders if he is really a man, he wonders if he can ever have a meaningful relationship with a woman. He wonders if he will ever want one.

Stephanie, I don't really think you entirely grasp what you have done here from your husband's perspective. Right now he may in large part be wishing he had died before coming home from deployment. Please do not minimize what I just said because when my wife revealed her affair to me I wished I had died before she told me. That was how much pain and confusion I was experiencing.

Bullet wounds heal and other than a small scar there is often little to remind one of the injury. This kind of injury goes so much deeper. No doctor can cure this injury. No surgeon can cut out this pain. There is no treatment for this trauma. His life is a lie and you are the trickster.

He hasn't lost anything? On the contrary, he's lost everything.


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## warlock07

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> His loss is not addressed because maybe he has no loss (besides the emotional wreck I made him with my actions, and all the hurt I caused him). He is going to be fine financially, he's a good looking man, and he's sweet as can be still. His only loss would be of his best friend really.
> 
> He explained what the hotel thing was about a couple days ago and it's made perfect sense and so I've dropped it. He said he is not on the prowl or anything. I believe we've come to a mutual agreement that he really likes to have sex with me, and I totally will give him whatever he wants in that department if he so decides to call me up and ask.
> 
> So my counselor thing this coming Thursday wasn't able to go through due to insurance purposes, so I had to pick another one. My appt is tomorrow at 10am with this guy, so hopefully it goes well. My husband said as long as they let him off for work (he said they should, the army is all about marriage reconciliation), he will be there. It's funny because on Thursday night when we talked, he said NO COMMUNICATION between us, except for the counseling thing (I will just text him the time/date/address and hope he shows up). So yesterday I texted him all the info, and he responded "I will be there if they let me get off work." So I said "K". Well he called me at 1am today and just told me all about his day and his new truck... we talked for like 30 minutes before I got too curious and asked why he called (not in a mean way, just confused) and he said "I promised i would call to let you know I am going to try and make it to the counseling session" and I was like "you never promised me you'd call... I thought that was what the text was for" and he said "I promised myself I would call." I thought that was really odd. I think he was bored and wanted to chit chat. But anyways, I will see him tomorrow in counseling, which I really can't wait cause it's been since Thursday night so I'm excited to see him  He's not very good with the NC thing though, but I'm not complaining


It is good for you that he is still not completely detached but you seem to enjoy the control(?) you have over him a bit too much.. Just watch out.


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## Acabado

Even if he has the awareness this affair is not his fault, wich many many BS take a long time to reach, being cheated on always has lasting consequences, trust issues. Besides I can garantee you he's wondering what he could do to prevent this.
Keep reading here, read those old threads, maybe titles will catch you eye. The loss is immense, even he doesn't seem to show it or is able to articulate.


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## crossbar

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> He explained what the hotel thing was about a couple days ago and it's made perfect sense and so I've dropped it. He said he is not on the prowl or anything.


 Hell, I would have believed him from the get go! Women aren't his favorite group of people right now. So, I wouldn't have been surprised that nothing happened. He's in no mood or shape to be doing those sorts of things.


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## that_girl

He lost way more than a 'best friend'.

He lost his lover. He lost the marriage and wife he thought he had. He lost his trust and faith in you.

Way more than just a 'best friend'.


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## that_girl

You still seem to feel justified in your cheating.

You truly do not get it. You don't.


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## Paladin

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> His loss is not addressed because maybe he has no loss...


You've made some pretty ignorant and outlandish statements in this thread, but this _*has*_ to take the cake. You are light years away from understanding what you did to your husband, and while I'm usually in favor of reconciliation, the statement you made about his loss made me change my mind about you and him. You may be capable of becoming a woman who is worthy of his love and attention, but you are not that woman now. Respect his wishes about no contact, continue to seek counseling, and once you actually make it to a session, start working on why you are such a poor wife and friend to him. 

I'm currently in R with my fWS, things are going well for us, this is the first time I've triggered in over 6 weeks. That may not mean anything to you, but I thought you should know what your statement actually invoked in a BS. I wish I could open a little window to my soul for you, so you could feel, just for a moment, what it is like on the other side. I'd put top dollar on you running for the hills and getting as far away as you could from the person that made you feel that way. You still have such a long way to go before you can truly understand where you put your husband. I wish him the best, and at the moment, that includes leaving you on the sidelines and embracing a better life.


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## Stephanie.Jackson

I like how you unquoted the rest of that sentence to fit YOUR wish of what it said, and not what it actually read. It clearly states he had a loss. And by me saying that the only thing he has lost was his emotional well-being, which I clearly wrote was all because of me, means that from this he COULD move on, find someone else (again, once his well-being is brought back over time), and his life would be fine.

Way to try to fabricate a scenario where I said my husband should feel awesome and not hurt at all. And that goes to not just one of you. 

Paladin, I have respected his wish of NC, I said HE is going against it, which I am fine with. Never have I once broken his decision to have NC. And yes, I already said the counseling session is tomorrow.

Warlock, I do not see how I am in control of anything..? Well, technically I do control one thing.. If I see anybody else, the reconciliation is over. But that's not something I want to do, and that is a (good) stipulation he made, which puts him in control. I have no control over whether or not he wants to reconcile. I can only show him reasons not to.


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## Paladin

_Clearly_ you are never wrong about anything....

Yes, you do mention that "maybe" he had a loss, you put it in parenthesis, as if it were some unimportant afterthought. _Clearly_ the same place you put your husband while you were having your affair. 

I don't need to fabricate anything. Anyone who takes the time to actually read what you wrote in your posts will have a clear enough idea of what type of person you are. The language you use goes a long way to indicate how you feel. The use of the word "only" when making a reference to your husbands loss/pain is a good example of how you try to minimize the devastating impact of your affair. You lack empathy, and at this point in time, I don't think you will ever learn to have it.


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## YellowRoses

3 lines minimising hubby's loss

18 lines banging on about how he can't resist her


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## that_girl

Emotional well-being is HUGE. Might as well just ripped out his heart.

I wish you could understand what you did.


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## Stephanie.Jackson

*carpenoctem*, your opinion on the matter is far different than mine, as well as beuwolf's. Us having sex together is not about me trying to keep him around so he doesn't want to sleep with anyone else. I am having sex with him for a couple simple reasons, in no specific order:
1.) I am his wife, he is my husband, that's what you do.
2.) It helps keep us feeling connected.
3.) It is a bonding thing.
4.) As previous posters have said, it's a part of the healing process. Reclaiming his territory.

But enough on that as I have decided a couple of you guys are not worth my time in responding.

So yesterday we went to MC and the therapist was truly awesome at his job. I made the mistake of not asking if he is pro-marriage or pro-divorce because his biography on his webpage made it seem pro-marriage. Later I found out that was true. But at first, he spent about 10 minutes talking with my husband about how he can understand why he'd never want to take me back, ect. and so I was kind of confused but at the same time, I understand as well. But then he flipped it up a bit and became more of the pro-marriage counselor that I thought he was. Both my husband and the counselor believe that this was due to loneliness, and my husband admits that he knows I was not in love with the other man, but says it still bothers him because at one point I thought I did. Which is understandable. As much as some of yall wish I were just this evil person that you try to make me out to be, the counselor/husband also agreed that it is painfully obvious that I am remorseful. Now the counselor said we are one of the most peculiar couples he's dealt with because my husband said there is no chance of reconciliation because he can never trust me again, and I am saying I will work at our marriage up until we divorce. He said we communicate so well and we laugh together and seemed to have a great marriage before this happened. He kept asking my husband why he would even consider coming to and participating so much in MC when he has no belief that this will work out, and my husband just said "Because she asked me to, so why not?". Well, my husband then went to the bathroom and the counselor talked to me. He said it's very much so obvious that my husband wants to give us a shot, or believes that it's a possibility but that this is still way too fresh for him. He seemed very pleased with us and thought it was definitely something we could work through because even though my husband straight out said "I can't trust her again, so we can't be together" his other words and things he said he's been doing show otherwise. Well, then my husband came back in the room and the counselor asked if he had any intentions on divorcing me any time soon, and my husband said no (which is odd cause on Thursday he said he'd look into it?), and so the counselor said well just keep doing what you're doing and slowly go on some more dates together and see where it takes you guys, because this happened 3 weeks ago, and you seem to be on the fence. My husband agreed and said I've been doing the best that I can, and even though he said NC, he can't help but still call me daily.

Sorry about the long summary of what happened at counseling. I made another appt on the 20th of this month, but IDK if my husband will be in town to make it or not. I am fine with it being IC. We both enjoyed the session though so that was a plus. The guy was pretty funny too 

Also, this morning at 3am my husband called me but my phone was on silent so I didn't hear it go off. He left me a voicemail and I kinda think he was intoxicated... it said something along the lines of "hey i need to ask you something. but now I forgot what it was, so don't worry about calling me back. Well if I remember, I will ask you. But if i dont, then I wont ask you. See how that works? kinda crazy huh?"

I have no idea what he wanted but I texted him at 10am what his question was and got no response... I kind of think he just wanted to talk. I don't know. But still trying to keep happy.


----------



## Beowulf

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> *carpenoctem*, your opinion on the matter is far different than mine, as well as beuwolf's. Us having sex together is not about me trying to keep him around so he doesn't want to sleep with anyone else. I am having sex with him for a couple simple reasons, in no specific order:
> 1.) I am his wife, he is my husband, that's what you do.
> 2.) It helps keep us feeling connected.
> 3.) It is a bonding thing.
> 4.) As previous posters have said, it's a part of the healing process. Reclaiming his territory.
> 
> But enough on that as I have decided a couple of you guys are not worth my time in responding.
> 
> So yesterday we went to MC and the therapist was truly awesome at his job. I made the mistake of not asking if he is pro-marriage or pro-divorce because his biography on his webpage made it seem pro-marriage. Later I found out that was true. But at first, he spent about 10 minutes talking with my husband about how he can understand why he'd never want to take me back, ect. and so I was kind of confused but at the same time, I understand as well. But then he flipped it up a bit and became more of the pro-marriage counselor that I thought he was. Both my husband and the counselor believe that this was due to loneliness, and my husband admits that he knows I was not in love with the other man, but says it still bothers him because at one point I thought I did. Which is understandable. As much as some of yall wish I were just this evil person that you try to make me out to be, the counselor/husband also agreed that it is painfully obvious that I am remorseful. Now the counselor said we are one of the most peculiar couples he's dealt with because my husband said there is no chance of reconciliation because he can never trust me again, and I am saying I will work at our marriage up until we divorce. He said we communicate so well and we laugh together and seemed to have a great marriage before this happened. He kept asking my husband why he would even consider coming to and participating so much in MC when he has no belief that this will work out, and my husband just said "Because she asked me to, so why not?". Well, my husband then went to the bathroom and the counselor talked to me. He said it's very much so obvious that my husband wants to give us a shot, or believes that it's a possibility but that this is still way too fresh for him. He seemed very pleased with us and thought it was definitely something we could work through because even though my husband straight out said "I can't trust her again, so we can't be together" his other words and things he said he's been doing show otherwise. Well, then my husband came back in the room and the counselor asked if he had any intentions on divorcing me any time soon, and my husband said no (which is odd cause on Thursday he said he'd look into it?), and so the counselor said well just keep doing what you're doing and slowly go on some more dates together and see where it takes you guys, because this happened 3 weeks ago, and you seem to be on the fence. My husband agreed and said I've been doing the best that I can, and even though he said NC, he can't help but still call me daily.
> 
> Sorry about the long summary of what happened at counseling. I made another appt on the 20th of this month, but IDK if my husband will be in town to make it or not. I am fine with it being IC. We both enjoyed the session though so that was a plus. The guy was pretty funny too
> 
> Also, this morning at 3am my husband called me but my phone was on silent so I didn't hear it go off. He left me a voicemail and I kinda think he was intoxicated... it said something along the lines of "hey i need to ask you something. but now I forgot what it was, so don't worry about calling me back. Well if I remember, I will ask you. But if i dont, then I wont ask you. See how that works? kinda crazy huh?"
> 
> I have no idea what he wanted but I texted him at 10am what his question was and got no response... I kind of think he just wanted to talk. I don't know. But still trying to keep happy.


Thanks for the update Stephanie. I still feel that you and your H are going to eventually R and be happy together but I often allow my enthusiastically optimistic heart overrule my head. Might I suggest that a better response to your husband's message might be "I will answer any and all questions you have. I love you." Keep doing whatever you can to make your husband comfortable, safe and happy.


----------



## Acabado

We tell to all BS who come here actions speaks louder than words. Your husband works speak "no way", his actions say otherwise.

Glad to hear MC session was productive. Keep sweeming. You are doing just fine. Keep posting, keep reading other threads. Read about infidelity and marriage material. Educate yourself.
Be the better Steph you can be. This should be your goal no matter what.


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## Goldmember357

this wont go far


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## Stephanie.Jackson

Thank you *carpenoctem*. I am coming to terms with the real possibility of a divorce, but I am not afraid to tell him anytime we're around each other that I will not let it go like that.

His actions and words don't say the same thing, so until his actions say otherwise, I am fully into saving our marriage. And like I said, he STILL hasn't filed. Now there is a slight chance that maybe he doesn't want to file right away because being married to me, he gets to keep the extra $1,100 or so a month that the army pays him for being married and living off post. Once we divorce, he will make $1,100 a month less. And owning our home + utilities costs about $1,000 a month. So who knows. That kind of bothers me. I wish he'd still get paid the same amount so I could understand why he really isn't running off and filing for divorce.

I am very much excited though for the 20th of this month. I kind of hope my husband will not be in town to attend the counseling because it felt like the counselor really, really wanted to talk to me because once my husband left to go to the bathroom, we got down to business in that brief 1 minute period lol. My husband and I have had NC since the 9th. The last thing said was me saying "I love you and I hope you have fun on leave" (his 20 day vacation that just started) and he just responded with "thanks". I hope he calls soon but I will understand him not wanting to, or not doing it.

On another note, I've lost another 2 lbs. Feeling very good about my weight for the first time in awhile (no "cliff hangover" when I sit forward) and I still have 10 lbs I can lose. Plus school starts Monday so I will be extra busy. Really trying to be the best person I can be, and not just in my marriage, but life in general. I especially need to be a better student. OM distracted me too much last year.


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## happyman64

Steph,

Keep working on you.



> Really trying to be the best person I can be, and not just in my marriage, but life in general. I especially need to be a better student. OM distracted me too much last year.


You actually sound like you have grown up and matured a little since you originally posted.

Keep going in the right direction no matter what happens.

HM64


----------



## lifeisnotsogood

He is too hurt by you to even enjoy anything he is doing. It may be out of anger. Not good on his part but maybe you'll work through it.


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## turnera

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> And wants to learn spanish. Maybe I should learn spanish first and beat him  jk.


 Why don't you suggest to him that you two take a class together, and learn it together? What you guys need is more bonding time, to remind him why you married in the first place.

Another suggestion: Get the book His Needs Her Needs and ask him to read it with you. Tell him you want to learn more about how marriages are supposed to work, and you think it would help him, too. As you're reading it together, I have a feeling you'll end up on the same side. Great book.


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## Stephanie.Jackson

Turnera, I saw that book sitting on my counselor's bookshelf. I've heard a lot about it too. Unfortunately, he wants to do NC for a bit so no "togethery" things for now. But maybe if I start learning spanish during NC, when we do get together, I can show him and maybe that will start something. I highly doubt my husband is practicing spanish right now, it was just an idea of his. It might get him on board though.

One thing I had forgotten to mention was my counselor seemed to be trying to dig and find a reason WHY I cheated. He came to 2 conclusions. First, that I was lonely (which is what I believe) and second, because my husband was very emotionally detached while he was deployed. While yes, he was very unemotional on the phone, I doubt that played a big part as to why I cheated. I kind of feel bad because I believe that if he had been emotionally there, I MAY have not craved another person's attention so bad, but who knows I might have still done it. But that sounds like blameshifting. Which isn't what I am trying to do. I can't go back and look at what life would have been like if he were more emotionally there, so I can't totally negate that. I am still going to assume it was mostly my own loneliness. The guilty part I feel about that coming up in the conversation is that my husband agreed and said he totally wasn't there emotionally and it may have helped pushed me into an affair... and the counselor stayed on that subject for awhile.
I knew my husband loved me deeply, but when I would ask why he never brought up how much he missed me, or hear him say "I love you" over and over again because he missed me so much (like I'd do to him), or him talk about his feelings or sadness or whatever, he'd say "there is no point in talking about how much I love you or miss you because it's just going to make me think about it and it's going to make this deployment even longer." This made sense, but it still stunk to ask over and over for some kind of emotion or something and always be told it was pointless. In person, he's a very emotional/sensitive person and talks about his feelings though. When we'd talk, it was "How was work? How was school? How are the dogs?" ect. And he would never talk, he just wanted to listen.

So it's confusing because I know that didn't just make me go out looking for an affair, but at the same time, even discussing it brings me down because it was something I did need from him in his absence. I guess reassurance. Especially because during the first deployment when his life WAS on the line, he was very emotional and lovey-dovey with me. These new feelings are confusing and they hurt because I didn't want him to have any reason to blame himself, and how he does. I did tell the counselor and my husband several times that his emotional detachment didn't push me to cheat though.

Okay now I am just rambling on. It just really has been bothering me since Monday..


----------



## turnera

HNHN will discuss that a lot, how people get into affairs. Harley's a bit of an expert on it, so you may want to read his other books, too.

When your H said he didn't want to give you the mushy stuff, you felt rejected, unloved, and unworthy. So, yeah, that's gonna have a big effect.


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## Shaggy

Yes that would be blame shifting.

Look at it another way, say that he was emotionally distant. That's not a reason you cheated. You had a world of other choices you could have done in response.

As hard as it is to accept , cheaters cheat because they choose too. It really is that simple. The question that remains is what inside of you let you make that choice. Why did it even get viewed as a valid option, would you drive your car into a store front? Nope, because in your mind that is never even an option, would you open your purse and give all the money in it to a random stranger? Would you buy the clothes for the Redon standing inline ahead of you at the gap?

The core issue is why would cheating ever be on the table as an option.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sandc

Steph,
Give your husband time. From what you've written, his actions do sound like someone who wants to work on things. He's just really hurt. He's riding that emotional roller coaster when he loves you, hates you, loves you, hates you. He's has his pride hit big time. I don't know if you've told him everything you've told us but he seems to have enough of a sense of it that his value of himself as a man is really in the toilet right now. 

It sounds like you are doing the right things though. 
Be instantly available to him in as much as you are able. In fact, if you can, don't turn you phone on silent mode at night. The 3am calls may be him checking to see if you are home.
Be completely transparent.
Keep working on yourself. Dig deep inside, figure out why you cheated. Find that remorse. Feel it. Try to hurt as much as he is. That will reflect in your interactions with him and then he will believe it.

I know you have already said you are doing this, I just want to reinforce what you are already doing.


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## turnera

Know that it will take him months, years, before he will be able to live it down. Patience.


----------



## Stephanie.Jackson

All great responses, thank you.

It's getting hard not being able to talk to him. I keep getting the urge to write him a letter or something to let him know I am still thinking about him and love him even though we aren't talking, but then we'd be having contact. So I am not writing him anything.

But yeah, I am not trying to shift any of the blame on him. What he did wasn't the best choice, but I don't want him to believe he even pushed me 1% in the direction to have an affair. This was 100% me being selfish.


----------



## thebuckest

Stephanie,

Let me first stary off by saying that u seem to be very sorry for what u did. That's good I'm sorry u did it to a member of our armed forces and think wow he's off to war in the most hazardous job in our nation and could die tommorow and ur sleeping with someone else. But mistakes happen and I am not here to judge just thought I had tp tell you how I felt about that. 

To your defense deployment can be hard and mistakes happen. Now for my advice. 

You remind me a lot of my wife, withough the pa part lol. But you seem stubborn, not in a bad way but like a woman who knows how to get what u want. While in the real world this may serve you well in the case not so much. You need to be more submissive and allow your husband to dictate how ur relationship progresses. Secondly you need to realize that most likely if ur husband was going to divorce you then he proly would have already, I mean cmon u got 47k in the bank I'm sure he could afford to live without you for a year or two and move on. So take this as a sign to sit back be remorseful and supportivd to him while you work on yourself. Now for the most kmportant part, you are very young and I believe a lil guilible. For the sake of your future marriage you need to understand that you and your husband are missing a huge part of connecting as husband and wife as your sexual needs are not being met. I don't doubt that being lonely drove yu into arms of another man but what kept you there km willing fo bet is the sex. If this man is the only one who has givin you the big o I can see how you qould naturally be swoon by him. That first amazing lover is always hard to get away from. However I hope u understand that a big reason ur husband has been unable to givs you what you need is because of ur lack of communication and understanding what you need. I know your thinking I don't need orgasms but u also areny in ur sexual pre yet and have quite a while before you will be, usually around mid 30s for a woman. Now u may not thjnk it a big deal now but I bet you do then and could lead to more affairs. So a big part of my advice for your future is to figure out what you really like sexually, and hopefully alone in your apt with a toy and some porn lol just noome besife your hubby. From my experience it does not take a big d to gey u off just average size will do. And vonsidering ur husband is 6'4" I doubt he has micro penis. Omce you figure out how to get urself off you teach ur husbamd and u let him figure out other ways as you guys grow old together. That's an awsome bonding experience you both dpnt wang to miss out on and if u get all figured out together u two will be so much more connected on so many more levels. 

I hope u take my advice and run woth it and when u get back together give each other a night of very spevial bonding but not till ur back in his good graces and he's ready for you sexually all the way. Hope this makes sense, gl and keep us updated.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thebuckest

Sorry for the bad spelling and what not operating from a new phone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stephanie.Jackson

Thanks thebuckest. No, my husband does not have micro penis lmao. Sorry, that made me laugh. You must have missed when I wrote that about a week ago my husband gave me an orgasm for the first time though. For now, I have to be on top for it to happen but I am still happy with that. The first month or so when I had my first orgasm, it was only in missionary and it took a bit for me to learn to do it in other ways for some reason. Just my body I guess.

Well, now my husband only has $32k in his savings account because I asked for $15k when I moved out. Apparently he moved his money from savings and put them into C/D's or whatever they are called. But I am hoping he hasn't filed because he isn't actually 100% sure he wants to call it quits. I don't even know if he's in town right now, or even in the state. I know he wanted to visit his mom in Ohio during his 20 day vacation from work. Who knows.


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## turnera

buckest, great advice. But please try not to use textspeak here! It's SO hard on the eyes. Thanks!


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## sandc

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> All great responses, thank you.
> 
> It's getting hard not being able to talk to him. I keep getting the urge to write him a letter or something to let him know I am still thinking about him and love him even though we aren't talking, but then we'd be having contact. So I am not writing him anything.
> 
> But yeah, I am not trying to shift any of the blame on him. What he did wasn't the best choice, but I don't want him to believe he even pushed me 1% in the direction to have an affair. This was 100% me being selfish.


Write the letters. Make sure you date them. Better yet, start a journal. Write in it what you would write in the letters to your husband. Write nothing but how much you miss him and love him and desire to be with him. When he is open to it, give the journal to him. It may be months from now but it may help him to know that you were thinking of him all that time.


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## Stephanie.Jackson

sandc, thank you for that idea.


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## Stephanie.Jackson

So here I am, writing this letter to my husband (I'm writing them in a notebook and one day I will hand it to him when it's the right time) and I'm at the part where I'm writing how much I miss him and hearing his voice, blah blah blah. Then my husband calls. Big coincidence! Our conversation was confusing and I am worried:

H: Hey what are you doing?
Me: Ummm writing you a letter. What's up?
H: Can you come over later tonight, we need to discuss some things.
Me: What kind of things? Are they bad things?
H: What could I possibly say that is worse than the situation we are in now?
Me: I dunno, maybe you're wanting me to come get the last of my furniture that you threw out in the front yard and lit on fire?
H: (laughs) No. Well I will come to your place actually so we can talk.
Me: Okay around what time?
H: It will be late at night. Like late late. Do you work this weekend?
Me: Okay that's fine. And I work Sunday but only cause I volunteered. I was scheduled to have Sunday off this week since we were supposed to be in Cancun.
H: Do you work Saturday at all?
Me: No. Why?
H: Just wondering. Okay well I will see you later.
Me: Alllllrrrighhttt. Bye.

WTF does that mean!? He didn't sound all chipper and happy like I'm sure the text looks. He sounded like "down to business" which worries me. Although him asking if I had this weekend off was a huge surprise. I will definitely take off if he wants to do something.


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## costa200

Really hard to get a deeper meaning from that stephanie.


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## Paladin

There really is no point in speculating. He could have filled for D, and is coming to drop off papers. Maybe he wants to give R a shot and has ground rules to go over. It may be totally unrelated to anything in the infidelity/reconciliation/divorce department at all. Try and occupy yourself so you dont get all worked up and anxious. Its still fairly early in the day.


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## Stephanie.Jackson

Ahhhh I know. Easier said than done. I guess I will take my dog for a run or something to make the time pass. I am already extremely anxious. I need a beer!


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## bandit.45

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> Ahhhh I know. Easier said than done. I guess I will take my dog for a run or something to make the time pass. I am already extremely anxious. I need a beer!


I'd stay away from the booze if I were you Stephanie. You haven't made the best decisions in your life when you've been drinking.

Just a suggestion from a recovering alcoholic.


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## Stephanie.Jackson

Wait what? What have I done when I've been drinking???? I only have a couple beers a week...


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## TBT

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> So here I am, writing this letter to my husband (I'm writing them in a notebook and one day I will hand it to him when it's the right time) and I'm at thepart where I'm writing how much I miss him and hearing his voice, blah blah blah.


Even though I know it's not your intention,when you use "blah blah blah" in situations like this,you can give people the impression you're just going through the motions,imo.Maybe something to think about,or not.Could be just me.


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## Stephanie.Jackson

I was thinking it would come off that way. Nope, it just meant "you get the gist", not that it is unimportant.


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## Stephanie.Jackson

He was asked why he was distant, and he said the same thing he always told me.

"I'm don't feel like talking about my feelings or emotions over the phone."

He never wanted to talk much about his day at work while deployed because he said he just lived the boring day and didn't feel like talking about it and living it and all of its boringness again. Then he said he didn't want to talk about missing me/wanting to have sex with me/loving me a whole bunch because it makes the deployment longer.

But like I said, this isn't what caused me to have an affair. Anywho, he still hasn't came by or responded to the text I sent 45 minutes ago asking around what time he'd be here.... kinda worried if he decided not to talk to me anymore.


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## carpenoctem

My guess is: he is going to tell you he has been sexual with another woman. He would want to see how you react to that.

(with understanding / empathy? with a startling double standard?)


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## Stephanie.Jackson

Well i just called him and told him i am getting sleepy but will gladly stay up if he is still coming over. he said he is, but his new truck is taking forever to be worked on. I will just wait and see.


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## turnera

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> He was asked why he was distant, and he said the same thing he always told me.
> 
> "I'm don't feel like talking about my feelings or emotions over the phone."


I HATE talking over the phone, and I would NEVER talk intimately over the phone. EVER. Why is the way YOU want him to talk to you better or more right than the way HE wants to talk?

That's control.


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## Stephanie.Jackson

I never demanded him to talk to me a certain way, I've asked him why he can't tell me why he's angry, why he's sad, that he misses me - just like he did on his first deployment. Turnera, I do not fall for that "that's control" line. ANYTHING you say to your spouse can be considered "controlling." 

Anyways, so he came over at 2am. He spent the first hour scaring off my neighbor thankfully (I did not mention to you guys that I have a crazy stalker neighbor. On Wednesday he walked into my house without knocking while I was naked. Thankfully I was upstairs and had time to throw my robe on. I did not mention him to you guys because someone would say how I do not have boundaries when I have been extremely clear to him that his behavior is unacceptable, so I left it out to leave out that hassle with you guys). He got very protective of me having some neighbor trying to be with me, which made me know he cared on some kind of level. Plus now I don't have to worry about the crazy guy anymore! 
After that, he told me the reason he came over.He said thank you so much for following NC and he was very grateful for that. Then he said he has to get a divorce, right away and he has the paperwork sitting on the kitchen table. He said we can't continue with this marriage, but he's very open to the idea of us dating, moving in together, and then maybe down the line getting married again. That if we were to be together, it needs to be on a clean slate. He said it's not 100% guaranteed that we will end up together, but it's definitely a possibility. That was said after he let it slip that that's exactly what he wanted. He also asked if this Saturday I want to go jet skiing with him. He said he MAY not be able to because his truck is taking longer than expected to get totally fixed, but he'd love to go and just have fun with me. Anyways, then he came over and started getting all cuddly, then we had sex all over the place (which was awesome!), and then he spent the night. Then woke up and we had sex again. He just left and gave me a kiss on the forehead.

So, it looks like I will be getting divorced, unless in the small chance he decides that he wouldn't mind picking up where we left off but I doubt it. I know he is saying he wants us to date and eventually move back in together, but just as "boyfriend and girlfriend" for awhile, and I should be elated (well, i am elated) but it's still sad to me because I want to be his wife. I am happy I can still be the one lady in his life, but the selfish woman in me keeps wanting to ask him why not just stay married. I am NOT asking him that though, because I am grateful for the news of him wanting to still be my man. I will keep writing him these letters and I believe the day that he gets them all will be the day we finalize our divorce, just to let him know how much i love/miss him.


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## Jellybeans

Start preparing for the divorce.

I am sorry.


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## turnera

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> I never demanded him to talk to me a certain way, I've asked him why he can't tell me why he's angry, why he's sad, that he misses me


Semantics? 

Ok, you didn't 'demand' - you 'asked'. The result is the same, YOU don't like the way HE chooses to communicate and you make it clear.

All I'm saying is that you are 50% of this marriage and have the potential to contribute 50% of its problems. If you don't want to look in the mirror, that's your choice. But you are here, you are having problems, and you are being told that you may want to look at how you deal with him - _in order to get a different result._


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## turnera

It's good that you're recognizing that you need to let him take the reins now. He has to deal with your affair however he has to. Do what he asks...but also make it clear you're not going to just disappear, that you will fight for him. I think he needs to hear that more than anything - to help his fractured ego.


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## Stephanie.Jackson

In counseling, he admitted that his distance over the phone wasn't helpful and that he should have opened up. It wouldn't have been so bad if the telephone wasn't basically the only communication we had over the year while he was overseas. The very few (3 or 4) times we tried to skype, the internet connection was too poor. So the phone was our only way to communicate. One could take the conversation him and I had, and if you took away the names in the conversation, anyone would have believed it was two friends talking the whole year.

I must add, this isn't me blameshifting, just openly discussing an issue we had. Also, I have been making sure to let my feelings about him be known... telling him how sexy I find him, how good he smells, ect. Just all the compliments I think about but haven't been coming out. Anything to help his male ego.


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## aug

Your husband is divorcing you but wants a relationship and sex? Your husband is an idiot.


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## Stephanie.Jackson

I believe he wants a clean marriage that hasn't been tainted by an affair. My husband is NOT an idiot though, please refrain from calling him names when he has done nothing to you or asked anything of you. Thanks.

When I say what he said, it makes sense, but if I were in this position I wouldn't go through with the divorce because that's a whole lot of work just to get back to where we were, but if that is what it takes for him I will do it.


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## crossbar

I don't know. Maybe he needs to do this as a symbolic gesture. In his head he can say that the marriage he once had is dead and gone. That he couldn't continue in a marriage where it's history contained his wife cheating on him and living with another man. He needs that marriage to be over. 

Then, maybe like he said. Rediscovery each other, finding the new people that have come from this.


Who knows.


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## turnera

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> In counseling, he admitted that his distance over the phone wasn't helpful and that he should have opened up.


Stephanie, I'm really not trying to beat a dead horse here, but you keep pushing this point. I want to be clear, and for a reason. 

It doesn't MATTER that he agreed with you. Eventually. In therapy. Where he had to answer.

What matters is the interaction between you two. I get that you are a pretty...strong person. As opposed to a meek person who doesn't say what she wants. That's fine. That's healthy. But it also sounds like he is NOT. He's more introspective. Not as expressive. 

And what I keep hearing is (1) that you want him to be more like you (please don't just jump to argue me on this, ok? that's my point), to deal with things the way you do, because that's what's comfortable to you. But it MAY not be comfortable to him. And you need to respect how he does things. And recognize that BOTH of you can do some movement toward the middle until you both find a way to deal that you both are comfortable with.

And (2) I'm trying to help you see, from my decades of experience, what works and what doesn't work in a relationship. I know a lot about human nature and I see a man retreating from your strength. He wants you, but your strength, over time, can make him not feel safe. Couples start out on the same team; over time, tiny infraction by tiny infraction, we start building up a 'score card' of how we've been hurt, if we feel safe, if we can talk freely without expecting to be slammed for it, etc. The most successful people I've ever seen in marriages are those who DON'T push their own agenda, who step back and really really listen to what the other is saying, how they're saying it, and to try their best to get inside the other person's head.

Because of your strength, I think your first instinct is to just go ahead and say what you want and feel, damn the consequences. Unfortunately, that's a great way to get your husband to shut down. To stop being on your team, to just co-exist. Especially now.

If you want him to _want you_ wholeheartedly, practice listening and observing before speaking. Asking before telling. VALIDATING his feelings. 

The more you do this, the more he will want to please YOU.


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## happyman64

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> I believe he wants a clean marriage that hasn't been tainted by an affair. My husband is NOT an idiot though, please refrain from calling him names when he has done nothing to you or asked anything of you. Thanks.
> 
> When I say what he said, it makes sense, but if I were in this position I wouldn't go through with the divorce because that's a whole lot of work just to get back to where we were, but if that is what it takes for him I will do it.


Steph

You keep up the good, positive attitude. 

Give him what he asks for if you really love him.

He definitely is thinking of you......

HM64


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## aug

Marriage and divorce are suppose to be very important and solemn events.

It seems to me that they are not viewed as such. It appears to me that these 2 events are viewed as nothing more than game pieces here.


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## Phenix70

turnera said:


> Semantics?
> 
> Ok, you didn't 'demand' - you 'asked'. The result is the same, YOU don't like the way HE chooses to communicate and you make it clear.
> 
> All I'm saying is that you are 50% of this marriage and have the potential to contribute 50% of its problems. If you don't want to look in the mirror, that's your choice. But you are here, you are having problems, and you are being told that you may want to look at how you deal with him - _in order to get a different result._


I disagree with this, if Stephanie has a NEED to hear her husband tell her he misses her, that is no different than any NEED he has.
To me, what you're suggesting is actually an imbalance in their relationship, that him not talking is more important than her hearing him tell her.
Neither person's need is more important than the other's.


To Stephanie,
The divorce is symbolic of ending the past & starting a fresh life together. 
Hard to imagine that right about now, but do try to focus on the positives that your H has shared with you.
He does still want you in his life, that's something you can build on.
Just don't give up until you've exhausted everything.


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## Stephanie.Jackson

Aug, I can agree with what you said. My husband said that after my affair, he realizes that marriage AND divorce really are just pieces of paper. I tried to tell him that they are not, because it's not like he married all his G/F's he ever had, no matter how much he liked her. Which he said okay that makes sense but technically it's still a piece of paper. Sigh.

Turnera, you are right to believe I am a "go-getter" and do the things I need to for my chips to fall into place. However, people on TAM can only assume how the person they are speaking to is in real life. I am actually a very good listener  I love listening to him talk. Which is why I wanted so bad for him to talk on the phone while deployed instead of just me talking the whole time. When he's talking, whether it be in person or on the phone, I am all ears. 
It's not so much that I am trying to put my views/actions onto him, it's just the first deployment and basically every separation due to the military, he's been very communicative over the phone. This time he just stopped. Which just like if he were home and all the sudden changed something up, it makes you really wonder what's going on. I never thought he was cheating on me, but I'd write him letters saying I knew he loved me but sometimes I had to tell myself that because I didn't feel it. Having a spouse deploy, a lot of things run through your head. My biggest fear was always him falling out of love with me. From the time he went to basic training until this last deployment, that was my fear. So it almost felt like a validated fear at times. Cause it wasn't like he was being distant while visiting a friend up the street - he was being distant over the course of a year across the world.

But like I've said a million times, this had nothing to do with my affair. It was simply another bump in the road. A way smaller bump.

EDIT: Thanks phenix, I was beginning to think maybe I was crazy for wanting some sort of affection or something, and that only his way was correct. This topic only came up about once a month for us btw, it wasn't an ongoing, constant issue that I brought up every day or week.


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## turnera

Phenix70 said:


> I disagree with this, if Stephanie has a NEED to hear her husband tell her he misses her, that is no different than any NEED he has.
> To me, what you're suggesting is actually an imbalance in their relationship, that him not talking is more important than her hearing him tell her.


No. I'm telling her to be SMARTER about how she goes about GETTING that need met.


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## turnera

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> the first deployment and basically every separation due to the military, he's been very communicative over the phone. This time he just stopped.


Most likely the deployment caused that. They have to deal with a lot that they don't want to bring home. You see this a lot.


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## Phenix70

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> It's not so much that I am trying to put my views/actions onto him, it's just the first deployment and basically every separation due to the military, he's been very communicative over the phone. This time he just stopped. Which just like if he were home and all the sudden changed something up, it makes you really wonder what's going on. I never thought he was cheating on me, but I'd write him letters saying I knew he loved me but sometimes I had to tell myself that because I didn't feel it. Having a spouse deploy, a lot of things run through your head. My biggest fear was always him falling out of love with me. From the time he went to basic training until this last deployment, that was my fear. So it almost felt like a validated fear at times. Cause it wasn't like he was being distant while visiting a friend up the street - he was being distant over the course of a year across the world.
> 
> But like I've said a million times, this had nothing to do with my affair. It was simply another bump in the road. A way smaller bump.
> 
> EDIT: Thanks phenix, I was beginning to think maybe I was crazy for wanting some sort of affection or something, and that only his way was correct. This topic only came up about once a month for us btw, it wasn't an ongoing, constant issue that I brought up every day or week.


Nope, you're not crazy, what you're talking has happened to me & all of my military wife friends.
My husband is currently on his 5th deployment, in a place that can only be described as actual hell on earth, I noticed a change in him about the 3rd week into this deployment.
I recognized that for the two of us to be able to keep our marriage in tact throughout this deployment that we both were going to have to adjust.
I did tell him that I could feel a disconnect, his reply was that sometimes he has enough time to read emails & write as quick of a response as he can before he can catch up on sleep.
He was sorry, that he does think of me & miss us. 
I've backed off on the "I miss & love yous", he's increased his. 
Deployments are a b*tch, because you never know what you're going to get until they are well underway.


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## Stephanie.Jackson

His happened when he got on the bus. He was trying to make it seem like it was no biggie, the deployment is only a year and we can get through this. When they got in line and started leaving, I took off and ran through this building and found a random window which they were passing through and right when I got there, i saw him walking by with tears down his face. But while we were saying our last goodbyes and giving the last of our hugs, he looked as strong as ever while I sat there crying and holding him.

I didn't go all crazy with the i love yous and I miss yous. In fact, I kept them appropriate lol. But I did note that he never did it on his own, and his own distance he kept just like you noticed.
Urgh deployment #5. I am sorry.


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## Phenix70

My "I love yous" also included some other things, if you catch my drift, so when he didn't respond I was thinking "WTF, are you kidding me?"
That really annoyed me, but I managed to get my sh*t straight before I asked him about it, I didn't want to come off as a needy wife.
If I've learned anything over the years, your approach is vital to communicating. 

Yeah, they do tend to keep things bottled up, my H is like that for the most part, except with me he does open up more than with anyone else.
Stoic is the word I used to describe him, he's always been that way, it's just the way he is.
So when he does talk extensively, I do my best to keep my mouth shut because I'm afraid to scare him off, LOL. 

Thanks, yep, deployment #5 of I don't know how many more, he's got at least 9 more years to go, if not 19, he's a Lifer.
It is what it is, life can be difficult while he's gone, but it's worth every minute of dealing with to be with him.


----------



## anonymouskitty

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> His happened when he got on the bus. He was trying to make it seem like it was no biggie, the deployment is only a year and we can get through this. When they got in line and started leaving, I took off and ran through this building and found a random window which they were passing through and right when I got there, i saw him walking by with tears down his face. But while we were saying our last goodbyes and giving the last of our hugs, he looked as strong as ever while I sat there crying and holding him.


Forgive me , but was this right before your affair?? Wow


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## Stephanie.Jackson

a couple months, yes.


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## costa200

I'm glad i'm not in the military... Imagine being put through combat situations, seeing guys you know getting blown to bits, losing limbs, having to fear for your life at every turn... Then come on the phone trying to get a piece of normality and home and having your partner tell you she feels a "disconnect" and then rant about her "feelings" and all that crap... And how their men don't open up their hearts and talk about "their day"...

It takes a very special woman to be the wife of a military man. Not everyone is cut out for it.


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## turnera

Amen to that.


----------



## Phenix70

costa200 said:


> I'm glad i'm not in the military... Imagine being put through combat situations, seeing guys you know getting blown to bits, losing limbs, having to fear for your life at every turn... Then come on the phone trying to get a piece of normality and home and having your partner tell you she feels a "disconnect" and then rant about her "feelings" and all that crap... And how their men don't open up their hearts and talk about "their day"...
> 
> It takes a very special woman to be the wife of a military man. Not everyone is cut out for it.


There's no ranting going on when I've discussed with my H his disconnect from us.
That's would be insulting to our entire relationship.
The disconnect isn't only in regards to the health of our relationship, it's also a barometer into how my H is relating to life in general.
When a service member starts to pull back from his loved ones & seems to go into autopilot mode, it can be an indicator of PTSD.
Often people who suffer from PTSD are not aware of their behavior or symptoms, that's why it's important for SO's & other family members to be cognizant of any changes in behavior, mentally or physically. 

Yeah, us poor spouses, sending our loved ones off to war, it's just a freaking walk in the park for us too.
Because having our SO's come home with PTSD, missing limbs, tramuatic brain injuries, or not coming home at all is just so easy for us.


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## Stephanie.Jackson

Well, if that's how you feel. Also imagine having to tell yourself your spouse loves you because they simply don't feel like doing it on their own. Unless they are about to hang up.

THANK YOU PHENIX. My point exactly. Oh God forbid I would like my husband to want to feel connected to me throughout the deployment. Cause ya know, silly me for thinking he should talk to me about his day to day life, especially because he is not living anything scary this past deployment so it's not like wanting to talk about the helicopter he worked on is going to bring traumatic stress to him.


----------



## anonymouskitty

> Originally Posted by costa200
> I'm glad i'm not in the military... Imagine being put through combat situations, seeing guys you know getting blown to bits, losing limbs, having to fear for your life at every turn... Then come on the phone trying to get a piece of normality and home and having your partner tell you she feels a "disconnect" and then rant about her "feelings" and all that crap... And how their men don't open up their hearts and talk about "their day"...
> 
> It takes a very special woman to be the wife of a military man. Not everyone is cut out for it.


Nope, all it takes is a woman who'll worry herself to death fearing for her husband's life and praying for his safety every moment of every day.
They're dime a dozen right??.... right??

Gosh, this thread makes me depressed thinking about these two youngsters having to deal with so much pain right now.


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## turnera

:rofl:
You said youngsters! bwahaha!

I feel so old...


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## anonymouskitty

My bones are becoming rickety


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## Stephanie.Jackson

Now I must add, his first deployment he was an infantryman and it was horrible, he lost a lot of friends. During this deployment, I NEVER asked him to tell me about his missions, or getting shot at. He didn't start to open up about that stuff till about 8 months after he got home from that one. He was very emotional over the phone with me and told me how much he loved me all the time, but maybe it was because it could very well have been the last time we talked.


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## Stephanie.Jackson

I felt like I was dying when I turned 22. Now I turn 23 in March and I am already dreading it  lol.


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## costa200

> Yeah, us poor spouses, sending our loved ones off to war, it's just a freaking walk in the park for us too.
> Because having our SO's come home with PTSD, missing limbs, tramuatic brain injuries, or not coming home at all is just so easy for us.


Oh yes, that's what supposed to happen. The thing is, many times it doesn't. What happens A LOT (just check the stories around) is the woman finding something on the side while their husbands are out there risking their lives. 

And please, don't compare being in a combat situation with whatever concern you may have back at home. It's unbecoming.


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## Phenix70

costa200 said:


> Oh yes, that's what supposed to happen. The thing is, many times it doesn't. What happens A LOT (just check the stories around) is the woman finding something on the side while their husbands are out there risking their lives.
> 
> And please,* don't compare being in a combat situation with whatever concern you may have back at home. It's unbecoming*.


Oh because you know what it's like, right?
Please, I would never compare my life to my H's life as an Infantry officer.
That's insulting.

I love how people who know nothing about military life sprout off, it's really refreshing to see all the ignorance.
I'm just waiting to read what else you know about what it takes to either be in the military or be a military spouse, because you know there are men married to female service members.


----------



## costa200

> Please, I would never compare my life to my H's life as an Infantry officer.
> That's insulting.


Yet that's exactly what you did there:



> Yeah, us poor spouses, sending our loved ones off to war, it's just a freaking walk in the park for us too.
> Because having our SO's come home with PTSD, missing limbs, tramuatic brain injuries, or not coming home at all is just so easy for us.


The pacific is big but i have that lake right here... Please... 



> I'm just waiting to read what else you know about what it takes to either be in the military


My country had mandatory military service. So i would not go there if i where you. My military card says reserve until i'm 45 and can be called at any moment. 

My country had a colonial war for 13 years and i grew up with a guy who could not sleep and got alarmed at every loud sound. So forgive me if i consider his trauma totally beyond whatever his wife had to face.



> or be a military spouse, because you know there are men married to female service members.


So what? Does that make a difference? Do you see women in combat complaining about their husbands back home keep whining about their feelings and whatnot while they are in combat situations? No you don't. Because, incredibly enough most men don't want to annoy their wifes it that crap, specially when they are in situation where there are bigger problems for them to face.


----------



## Aristotle

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> ** In fact the last two guys, I was currently crashing after my energy pill wore off and don't see how my attitude was attractive at all. I was grumpy/sleepy.
> The first guy ended up talking to me for an hour, the other two were about 25 minutes or so. The first guy was the most persistent. I do not know these people, I was just doing my job. But yes, they were all douches and trying to take advantage of my situation.


Talking to 3 guys hitting on you, one for an hour and the other two for 25 minutes? 

Then at the gas station some 15 year old is talking to you? 

Honestly, your husband should run as far away from you as he can. If you are telling the truth, you seriously need to check your boundaries. 15 year old boys shouldn't be up "bothering" you at gas stations. Men shouldn't be talking to you for "hours" at work. This is absolutely ridiculous. And before you say you can't help this, you definitely can. I understand this makes younger girls feel special, but to us older folks, it's almost like "name dropping". It's pathetic, who cares who talks to you or how disgusting they are when they ask you out. You really have some maturing to do.




Stephanie.Jackson said:


> And no warlock, i did NOT find it hot when he did that. I was infuriated. He swore up and down he didn't show up to do anything, he just wanted to meet my husband (that is really weird, and that was obvious to me even in the 'fog'). He said if I had been the one to answer the door, he would have left though... which is confusing. Makes me question his motives.


Absolutely and utterly disgusting. What type of woman would let some dude she is fking size her husband up, make a fool out her husband, laugh behind his back as he "helps jump his motorcyle", txt message his wife the next day to show how much of a "man" he is, and all the while, your husband is clueless.

You don't deserve your husband. I hope he figures this out.


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## Stephanie.Jackson

Costa, you've been respectful up until this point and so I am not trying to rude or offensive, but our husbands have suffered the after effects of being in a war as well. I don't even know Phenix, but I can guarantee her husband had the same problem as mine... ya know, driving down the road and omg there is a cardboard box blowing across the street in the wind and it might be a bomb. Oh, or maybe the time we had movers at the house and one of the movers accidentally stepped on bubble wrap and the noise scared my husband and he jumped on the floor. Or ya know, the waking up in the middle of the night yelling due to nightmares. 

Yes, we did not go through that. However, we support them during those hard times and (albeit I had an affair this last deployment, this has nothing to do with that) we wait for them at home. I remember I lived nowhere near a military base the first deployment and I would be sitting in my college class crying because the news on my phone said more people died in the region my husband was, and I hadn't heard from him in a week since he was on a mission. And nobody could relate to me at all. This happened many, many times. It's emotionally hard as hell knowing your loved one is in the line of fire. Even when he came home, I'd lay in bed crying for several months watching him sleep because it affected me as well. Not as much as him, but it definitely affected me. 

You minimizing the pain the spouse goes through is disrespectful. There is nothing wrong with asking your spouse why they never tell you they love/miss you or why they don't ever talk and are short with you. ESPECIALLY when you are concerned for their well-being.

Edit: I can already see certain people on this board talking about how I cheated on his 2nd deployment when this is a general comment, regarding any military wife whose husband could have easily been killed overseas.


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## Numb in Ohio

Couldn't get through this whole thread,,,, but quick question: 

Did you cheat on your H on his 1st deployment also?

If he was in the military when you married, YOU knew what you signed up for. You know there's a chance of deployment. And you committed anyway. That's what marriage is about. If you knew you would have to have someone else on the side, as his "stand in", you shouldn't of gotten married in the first place.

JMO


----------



## Aristotle

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> That makes a LOT of sense Costa, I never would have looked at it like that... ever. He did make a comment saying it was like I just went out and replaced him while he was gone. And the face smacker in that is I believe it was 100% true. That's what I did. The only UPSIDE on the affair was that it made the year long deployment flyyyyy by.


This, with the fact you totally forgot about the OM in .25 seconds, really shows me that you will always be a cheater. You cheated for fun. Feelings? Nope, gone .25 seconds. 

You just wanted time to flyyyyy by until he comes back. It didn't matter who it was, you just wanted to have fun.

Selfish.

I am only halfway through this thread, but hopefully it ends with you being served.


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## YellowRoses

Steph

You were in contact with OM before your husband deployed and affairing for 10m during. Yet you are analysing to death your hubby's lack of communication during that time

Maybe he sensed what you were about to do. Maybe he felt changes in you even if he couldn't name them. Maybe he felt the falseness in your behaviour. 

I've never done counselling but all this focus on what hubby did wrong is unbelievable to me.


----------



## Numb in Ohio

bandit.45 said:


> She needs to be patient with her hubby and avoid looking and talking like she is easy pickings.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



And even separated, to show she is "committed" in her marriage, why would she not continue wearing her ring?


----------



## turnera

YellowRoses said:


> Steph
> 
> You were in contact with OM before your husband deployed and affairing for 10m during. Yet you are analysing to death your hubby's lack of communication during that time
> 
> Maybe he sensed what you were about to do. Maybe he felt changes in you even if he couldn't name them. Maybe he felt the falseness in your behaviour.
> 
> I've never done counselling but all this focus on what hubby did wrong is unbelievable to me.


 Very worth repeating.


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## Aristotle

I made it to the end. Proud of the husband here.

Good move on the false promises of marrying again later after cleaning the slate. Power move on his part, to really get this divorce to go through as QUICK as possible (which he has said) with no real hassles. He is a hard working, decent, proud black man. He knows you flirt with guys buying flea collars that wear baggy basketball shorts, flip flops, and tank tops at your job. He knows he can't turn you into a housewife at this point, so get this divorce and ride you out until you realize he will never be emotionally involved in this relationship again. In house chick, help with the bills, whatever. Wifey? Never again.

Kudos to the husband.


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## anonymouskitty

Oh and I seem to remember reading about you comparing your husband's size with that of the OM.

A measure of man is not the size of his **** but the balls he possesses.

Being a soldier, your husband has plenty of it and then some.


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## karole

Aristotle: My thoughts exactly. The husband just wants out as quickly and painlessly as possible.


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## Aristotle

karole said:


> Aristotle: My thoughts exactly. The husband just wants out as quickly and painlessly as possible.


He is a proud man, he may still have feelings so he is okay with her being his in-house chick (until those feelings die or he meets someone else), but he will never be married to her again. He wants his wife to be special, loyal, trusting..... she can't even pump gas without talking to a someone. 

Wait though, she compared penis sizes on the forums? Please tell me that isn't true. I saw she talked about how the OM gave her an orgasm for the first time. It's almost like she is saying she is remorseful for the affair but keeps mentioning the "pros". THERE ARE NO DAMN PROS IN AN AFFAIR. NONE, ZERO. An affair is the worse thing you could do to another person short of killing him. You broke everything, his trust, his loyalty, his heart, his life, his future, his idea of one day being grandparents with you both in a rocking chair.... his everything. RUINED. Because of you. While she seems to toss around comments like, this affair did help in some ways, it made time flyyyyy while he was gone and plus he should be thankful she can orgasm now! If it wasn't for OM making me cum and me telling him, he wouldn't be trying hard to do it himself like he did not do right in the first two years of marriage.

I am shocked at some of the regulars that have actually gave a pass on this one. This is close to a worst case scenerio of a wife cheating, in my honest opinion. Cheating the entire time he is away on deployment? There is no hope, she cheated for fun and thinks her husband should be grateful she can orgasm now! Ugh.


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## anonymouskitty

Oh my friend from ancient greece, regulars get banned because the truth oft goes against TAM's rules
Discretion is the better part of valour


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## costa200

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> Costa, you've been respectful up until this point and so I am not trying to rude or offensive, but our husbands have suffered the after effects of being in a war as well. I don't even know Phenix, but I can guarantee her husband had the same problem as mine... ya know, driving down the road and omg there is a cardboard box blowing across the street in the wind and it might be a bomb. Oh, or maybe the time we had movers at the house and one of the movers accidentally stepped on bubble wrap and the noise scared my husband and he jumped on the floor. Or ya know, the waking up in the middle of the night yelling due to nightmares.
> 
> Yes, we did not go through that. However, we support them during those hard times and (albeit I had an affair this last deployment, this has nothing to do with that) we wait for them at home. I remember I lived nowhere near a military base the first deployment and I would be sitting in my college class crying because the news on my phone said more people died in the region my husband was, and I hadn't heard from him in a week since he was on a mission. And nobody could relate to me at all. This happened many, many times. It's emotionally hard as hell knowing your loved one is in the line of fire. Even when he came home, I'd lay in bed crying for several months watching him sleep because it affected me as well. Not as much as him, but it definitely affected me.
> 
> You minimizing the pain the spouse goes through is disrespectful. There is nothing wrong with asking your spouse why they never tell you they love/miss you or why they don't ever talk and are short with you. ESPECIALLY when you are concerned for their well-being.
> 
> Edit: I can already see certain people on this board talking about how I cheated on his 2nd deployment when this is a general comment, regarding any military wife whose husband could have easily been killed overseas.


I'm always respectful at all times. That doesn't stop me from speaking my mind as i see fit when i deem it relevant. I did not "minimize" nothing. I said those situations are not to be compared. And a woman (or man) that thinks that it is ok to annoy her husband (or wife) with minor grievances over the phone while he/she is deployed is a person that needs to evaluate if she/he has got what it takes to be married to military man/woman. That's all i'm saying. 

And, in my usual style of honesty Stephanie i don't think you even should comment on this precise point. Because although i do recognize your current efforts and wish you every luck on you R with your hubby, you were, in the past, the exact poster woman of what a military spouse should not be or do.



> I am shocked at some of the regulars that have actually gave a pass on this one. This is close to a worst case scenerio of a wife cheating, in my honest opinion. Cheating the entire time he is away on deployment? There is no hope, she cheated for fun and thinks her husband should be grateful she can orgasm now! Ugh.


Regulars didn't give her a pass. They gave her a lot of stick... But she asked for help and it really doesn't help anyone to insult her. R or no R it's her husband's decision. She is only getting from the people here advice on what to do.


----------



## Jellybeans

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> I felt like I was dying when I turned 22. Now I turn 23 in March and I am already dreading it  lol.


You are so young.

The fact that you said the the good thing about the affair was that it made your husband's deployment go by "wayyyyyy faster" to me sounds like there isn't much empathy for how your husband is feeling. Try to put yourself in his position, really and truly, and try to feel as he does. Imagine if you were working fora year away in a war-zone and came home to find out he'd been cheating on you for nearly a year. You would be devastated. The way you feel nowa bout him talking to some girl--multiply it by a thousand and a marriage and vows.

It hurts.

My advice to learn a major lesson from this. After your divorce (and during) do a lot of soul-searching. Never cheat on somene again. As you can see, it destroys so much. Sooo sooo much.


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## Phenix70

costa200 said:


> Yet that's exactly what you did there:
> 
> My country had mandatory military service. So i would not go there if i where you. My military card says reserve until i'm 45 and can be called at any moment.
> 
> My country had a colonial war for 13 years and i grew up with a guy who could not sleep and got alarmed at every loud sound. So forgive me if i consider his trauma totally beyond whatever his wife had to face.
> 
> 
> So what? Does that make a difference? Do you see women in combat complaining about their husbands back home keep whining about their feelings and whatnot while they are in combat situations? No you don't. Because, incredibly enough most men don't want to annoy their wifes it that crap, specially when they are in situation where there are bigger problems for them to face.



No, I did not compare what it's like for me to what it's like for my husband, I told you what it's like for military spouses, which in no way was comparing what life is like for service members.

Military chaplains tell the service members & the spouses to do what they can to make a semblance of our lives, that communication is important & not talking about issues ends up building resentment, on both sides.
The service member is going off to war, that doesn't give them an automatic pass to ignore the life they left behind. 

I went through dealing with my husband's PTSD after his last deployment, I slept with a man whose night terrors were so bad he would wake up & not know it was me.
I woke up several times with him straddling my body, eyes focused on something unseen, screaming in my face.
So if you want to have a pissing contest about war trauma & what it does to people, bring it on. 

You have no idea what it's like being married to someone in the military, so how about YOU don't go there.
Better than that, take your sanctimonious attitude elsewhere.
You have no freaking clue what it's like to agonize when you're told there has been a KIA, that you don't know if it was your husband's unit, the one he's responsible for.
You wait & wait & wait to hear anything about who was killed.
I was there giving support to wives when their husbands were KIA, I consoled those women when their families could not get there to be with them right away.
I saw the grief that literally consumed their bodies, praying to God to take them instead of their husbands.
So don't you for one freaking minute even try to make it seem that my life or that of other military spouses is remotely easy. 
Nor do all of us cheat, so don't you even try to link us all together as a bunch of Jody chasing cheaters.
How DARE you, you have no clue what it's like for those of us on the home front.


----------



## Stephanie.Jackson

Aristotle, your replies aren't really anything I deem worthy of replying to (well, technically I just replied  if that makes you feel any better).

I know my husband better than anyone else, and I know the type of person he is. I know he is probably a better man than almost anyone on this board. Especially those who believe he is leading me on with this. Ya know what? We may not get back together. But from his words and actions I have no reason to doubt we won't. However, if it doesn't happen, I can't say he didn't tell me. My husband is a very honest, caring, and smart man and he will make the decision that is best for him. It's insulting for you strangers to place such craptastic traits onto him. Like I said, maybe that's how YOU are, but the man I married isn't like that. Please do not put your own personality flaws onto him. Thanks.

Phenix, your husband's nightime terrors were even worse than mine. It was hard enough dealing with what I had, but I commend you for dealing with those intense moments. Unfortunately, everyone thinks that because they have a 2nd cousin who had an ex wife who had a child with someone else and it was their best friend who had PTSD, that they are experts in the military or what a deployment is like. You cannot get through to these people, so I think it's best to ignore them. Even being a parent to someone in the military is different from being the spouse, they are all different for all different relations. Shoot, they are different within the same relations! 

All I can say to this group full of strangers, is that I do love my husband, and I am sorry for what I did and I am making the best of this situation in helping my husband heal as quickly as possible since I did this to him. Whatever you decide to believe, or little voodoo curses you try to put on our reconciliation is your own prerogative. But it doesn't change the fact that my end goal is my husband's happiness which hopefully coincides with reconciliation.

Edit: I forgot to add. This discussion with the marriage counselor about his emotional absence wasn't drug out that long, maybe 2-4 minutes tops. However, I could tell my husband felt bad about it, which in turn makes me feel worse as well because it is something I wish he wouldn't blame himself for.


----------



## Phenix70

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> Aristotle, your replies aren't really anything I deem worthy of replying to (well, technically I just replied  if that makes you feel any better).
> 
> I know my husband better than anyone else, and I know the type of person he is. I know he is probably a better man than almost anyone on this board. Especially those who believe he is leading me on with this. Ya know what? We may not get back together. But from his words and actions I have no reason to doubt we won't. However, if it doesn't happen, I can't say he didn't tell me. My husband is a very honest, caring, and smart man and he will make the decision that is best for him. It's insulting for you strangers to place such craptastic traits onto him. Like I said, maybe that's how YOU are, but the man I married isn't like that. Please do not put your own personality flaws onto him. Thanks.
> 
> Phenix, your husband's nightime terrors were even worse than mine. It was hard enough dealing with what I had, but I commend you for dealing with those intense moments. *Unfortunately, everyone thinks that because they have a 2nd cousin who had an ex wife who had a child with someone else and it was their best friend who had PTSD, that they are experts in the military or what a deployment is like. You cannot get through to these people, so I think it's best to ignore them. Even being a parent to someone in the military is different from being the spouse, they are all different for all different relations. Shoot, they are different within the same relations! *
> All I can say to this group full of strangers, is that I do love my husband, and I am sorry for what I did and I am making the best of this situation in helping my husband heal as quickly as possible since I did this to him. Whatever you decide to believe, or little voodoo curses you try to put on our reconciliation is your own prerogative. But it doesn't change the fact that my end goal is my husband's happiness which hopefully coincides with reconciliation.


Ain't that the truth?
Seriously, if I had a dime for all the BS I've had to put up with from "well intentioned" people regarding my H, the military & our life, I'd be rich.
That's why I keep my IRL discussions related to the military strictly within our Army circle of friends because they're the only ones who "get it." 
The majority of people just don't understand a PCS, deployments, training, NTC, FTX's, dealing with TriCare, or most of the other things we have to deal with it.
That's fine, just do us both a favor & don't act like you do know, THAT's what annoys the hell out of me.

Keep your head up S, I know I may have come off harsh in my previous posts in this thread & the other, truthfully it was because I didn't want to see another military spouse go down in cheater's flames.
We already have enough stacked against us, I wish you the best, I really do, it looks like you could have a rough road ahead of you.
Keep at it until you know that you've done all you could to save/R your marriage.


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## turnera

Here's all I can add, stephanie. You cheated. You are a strong person. You feel compelled to defend yourself on anonymous forums that YOU came to, instead of shutting up and listening.

There are two different kinds of people who come to forums: those who want to be congratulated on their opinions, and those who are humble, looking to learn, open to constructive criticism.

The former spin wheels defending their actions. the latter shut up and listen. And learn. And grow. And improve their marriages.

Which group do you want to be in?


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## Stephanie.Jackson

Turnera, I am not sure if you have read the whole thread. It seems people respond with sound advice in spurts, and I thank them wholeheartedly and put it into action. The other 95% of people are just hateful and unhelpful. I am not going to take their advice of "go divorce him and do him a favor", I am sorry. That is not the reason I came to this forum.

If I were the BS, I could probably get great advice/answers. But seeing as I am the WS, all people feel the need to do is show their hatefulness. Like I said, if you read a little bit back (especially the last couple days!) I've been all ears to those who are honestly trying to help. That's the reason I came here. Not to be berated by angry individuals who are just trying to make themselves feel better via the internet.

Edit Again: It's especially aggravating when it seems people start attacking my husband's values/morals/choices. That p*sses me off.


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## anonymouskitty

Phoenix,please read this and tell me that sounds very becoming of a military spouse.



> That makes a LOT of sense Costa, I never would have looked at it like that... ever. He did make a comment saying it was like I just went out and replaced him while he was gone. And the face smacker in that is I believe it was 100% true. That's what I did. The only UPSIDE on the affair was that it made the year long deployment flyyyyy by.


Yes, we might never understand the trauma that a military spouse goes through, and I may not be a psychologist. But even a child can read the entire thread and come to the conclusion that OP is very egoistic and selfish, I'm sorry if this hurts I truly am but the impression you give here is nothing but that.And for a marriage to thrive, both those traits aren't going to help you



> My husband is a very honest, caring, and smart man and he will make the decision that is best for him. It's insulting for you strangers to place such craptastic traits onto him. Like I said, maybe that's how YOU are, but the man I married isn't like that. Please do not put your own personality flaws onto him. Thanks.


We're not passing judgement on your husband's character at all, we're all flawed one way or another. But the cold hard fact is that your husband possibly had a RA. And that was a crapastatic thing to do, however you look at it. I hope it really works for you guys but even if it does the attitude you flaunt is something thats not going to take you very far, please change for the better, go see an IC.

TRUTH HURTS, its supposed to, I'm sorry you're interpreting it as hateful.


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## TBT

I think Stephanie gets misinterpreted sometimes because she expresses herself with the exuberance of her youth.Personally I would like nothing better than to see their relationship recover,grow and mature.


----------



## turnera

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> Turnera, I am not sure if you have read the whole thread. It seems people respond with sound advice in spurts, and I thank them wholeheartedly and put it into action. The other 95% of people are just hateful and unhelpful. I am not going to take their advice of "go divorce him and do him a favor", I am sorry. That is not the reason I came to this forum.
> 
> If I were the BS, I could probably get great advice/answers. But seeing as I am the WS, all people feel the need to do is show their hatefulness. Like I said, if you read a little bit back (especially the last couple days!) I've been all ears to those who are honestly trying to help. That's the reason I came here. Not to be berated by angry individuals who are just trying to make themselves feel better via the internet.
> 
> Edit Again: It's especially aggravating when it seems people start attacking my husband's values/morals/choices. That p*sses me off.


Wow. 

Me trying to show you how to have a GOOD marriage (even if it isn't what YOU want it to be) is attacking? Hatefulness?

Well, good luck with your life. You obviously think you have a handle on life. In all your 23 years. 

Good luck with that.


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## Stephanie.Jackson

AK, that wasn't a "mean" response that you just gave, I like that kind of stuff.

I am not going to try and retract what I said because it was the honest to God truth. As horrible as it is, the year long deployment seemed to end extremely quickly because I was not alone. That's all it meant. Not that I was out having a blast and totally forgot about my husband and wished it would never end. No. But I'd be lying if I said the affair made the time go so slowly. That's all it meant.

I am selfish. Yes. Only a selfish person would make the choice I made. It's not something I go around doing, being a selfish person. But in this instance, it happened. So yes, I had an egotistic time in my life. But something I've learned through the books I've purchased to help me figure out why I let this happened was that just because I made a horrible choice to have an affair, does not make me a bad person. Even my husband, the one who is hurt more than anyone else in all of this, said that (on his own). He knows I am a good person, which helped remind me that I was, too. I am a good student, employee, friend, and before this moment I was a good wife. I cannot let this bad point in my life dictate how I view myself because let's say we did reconcile. If that were to happen and I was still always beating myself up saying I am a horrible wife and all that, well, if I don't believe I can make myself a better person, then why should my husband?
I am not afraid to say I had a selfish streak this past year. That's the first question the marriage counselor asked, and the first question everyone else asked. "Why did you do it?" Because I was a selfish woman who made the choice to have an affair due to my loneliness. 

Unfortunately though, some people have insulted my husband.


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## Stephanie.Jackson

turnera said:


> Wow.
> 
> Me trying to show you how to have a GOOD marriage (even if it isn't what YOU want it to be) is attacking? Hatefulness?
> 
> Well, good luck with your life. You obviously think you have a handle on life. In all your 23 years.
> 
> Good luck with that.



Whoa, that wasn't directed to you at all. That had nothing to do with you, it was in regards to other people. Sorry for the confusion.

Edit: "But seeing as I am the WS, all people feel the need to do is show their hatefulness" that was a statement about the average response I get from the forum members, not directed towards you. I am assuming you thought that part was about you because I started the post off with your name. Again, no & sorry it was misinterpreted.


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## anonymouskitty

No you don't get hateful responses at all, its all in your head. The responses and advice you get are those from strangers who have no bias when analyzing your situation. 

There's a poster called sayjellybeans, just go through her threads, you'll find that she had a ONS for which she's trying to move heaven and earth to rectify but she isn't defending her actions nor is she withdrawing or lashing out against people who're only telling the truth that they glean.

You sound like a good kid, but also like an entitled princess. Nothing wrong with that, but sometimes we need to make compromises for our loved ones and if that means minimizing certain bad traits that make them uncomfortable, then so be it.


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## Beowulf

Stephanie,

I've tried to give you the best advice I could offer. I hope some of it helped and if I can offer more I certainly will do so. Now I'm going to offer my opinion. You are very young and you are a very strong willed person. I'm sure that definitely served you in many aspects of your life. But there are times when humility is called for. When coming to a site like TAM you will get a lot of thoughtful helpful advice from many compassionate posters. You will also get some more direct and harsh responses from well meaning posters. And of course you will get some not very helpful comments from those who frequently seem to fancy visual inspections of their colons. My advice is to recognize the first two and try to learn from them and ignore comments from the latter folks. Getting defensive, while a natural reaction needs to be tempered so that you can learn from as much as possible and try to achieve your goal of saving the marriage. And as far as the marriage is concerned I do not feel very hopeful when your husband says he feels that divorce is the best solution and that maybe you can get remarried later. IMO, once the divorce is final I don't see future developing for the two of you. So if I were you I would politely do whatever I could to prevent this from happening. Frankly his statement that marriage and divorce are just pieces of paper flies in the face of his recent reactions to your betrayal.


----------



## Stephanie.Jackson

I think it's time for me to take another break from TAM. I am not the only one on the defensive and this thread is becoming unproductive again. So for the meantime I will continue on with what I've been told by some of you guys. I have a lot to still do and dealing with some people on here has been more hurtful and incorrect than it has been helpful. 

I am pretty sure I can handle the rest from here on out but if I ever feel the need to be berated and accused of incorrect things, I will most definitely be back. This isn't directed towards those who actually gave sound advice from their experience. I really, really appreciate the advice and do know it didn't fall on deaf ears. Thanks again


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## turnera

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> Unfortunately though, some people have insulted my husband.


 What, are you 12? Do you want help or not?


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## turnera

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> Edit: "But seeing as I am the WS, all people feel the need to do is show their hatefulness" that was a statement about the average response I get from the forum members, not directed towards you. I am assuming you thought that part was about you because I started the post off with your name. Again, no & sorry it was misinterpreted.


Not buying it. Stephanie, I really cared for you at first but the longer you go on the longer you show your need to _take care of yourself_.

Are you ready to get off your pedestal and wear your mantel of humility? It is only through humility that you learn and grow. And boy, do you need it.


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## turnera

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> I think it's time for me to take another break from TAM.


Stephanie, have you read enough threads to see that there is a PATTERN to people who cheat? They come here, show a lot of supposed humility, and then, when they are called out on their actions, they say 'screw you guys, it's time to take a break.' And they shut down.

Good luck.

fwiw, your husband is probably never coming back after the divorce.


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## Aristotle

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> Aristotle, your replies aren't really anything I deem worthy of replying to (well, technically I just replied  if that makes you feel any better).
> 
> I know my husband better than anyone else, and I know the type of person he is. I know he is probably a better man than almost anyone on this board. Especially those who believe he is leading me on with this. Ya know what? We may not get back together. But from his words and actions I have no reason to doubt we won't. However, if it doesn't happen, I can't say he didn't tell me. My husband is a very honest, caring, and smart man and he will make the decision that is best for him. It's insulting for you strangers to place such craptastic traits onto him. Like I said, maybe that's how YOU are, but the man I married isn't like that. Please do not put your own personality flaws onto him. Thanks.


Yes, it makes me feel better you replied to what you deem unworthy to reply to... as you reply. Apparently I need baggy basketball shorts and flip flops to be deemed worthy and get the special treatment  

There are military wives, real women, who watch their husbands deploy and stay faithful throughout their husband's entire careers, and you aren't one of them. 

Your type is infamous in the military circle, and you yourself will never understand how hard it is to be a good military wife, because you will never be one. In fact, soon you won't be a miitary wife at all. You are a soldiers worse nightmare. You are the reason leaving is so hard. You are the reason when we deploy we can't sleep at night. You are the biggest insult in the field where the phrase "I bet your wife is at home now doing the whole block.......... " is our bogeyman. We're more scared of losing our wives than our lives. Grown men with no fears, but scared to open our wives letters and read about "this new friend... ." We'd rather die than know our wives, back in real world can't stay true to us. Your type is infamous, the worst of it's kind. The wife that can't stay loyal, can't hold down the fort, can't keep her thing tight, can't respect her marriage or her husband, can't keep from needing time to flyyyyyyyy by while the guy you promised to stay true to forever risks his life to make your lives better. 

I may not be worthy of a reply as you reply, but you are not worthy of your husband. And maybe his wife will never deem my replies worthy and I'll never understand what it's like to be the unloyal military wife whose marriage will be shorter than his 4 year enlistment, but I do know what your husbands like. I DO know that when he walked to that plane with tears in his eyes, he asked God to keep wife safe and loyal. I DO know what your husband is like and he DOES have 20 guys just like me in his ear letting him know that he needs to cut you loose..... and he deems what his brother's say as worthy. 

Believe that.


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## Paladin

I wish I could like Aristotle's post a thousand times. Wow. Sums this whole mess up perfectly. I hope his words burn into your entitled mind OP, he speaks the truth.


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## costa200

> All I can say to this group full of strangers, is that I do love my husband, and I am sorry for what I did and I am making the best of this situation in helping my husband heal as quickly as possible since I did this to him.


Maybe we should all focus on this part right here. It's the reason this thread exists.


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## anonymouskitty

costa200 said:


> Maybe we should all focus on this part right here. It's the reason this thread exists.


Eh, since when did you mellow down?


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## Paladin

She only said that because she thinks its the "right thing to say." She is obsessed with external validation, she can never be wrong, and anything that doesn't fit neatly into her idea of "correct" get labeled as "hateful." She is a lost cause, her husband knows it, and is bailing.


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## costa200

anonymouskitty said:


> Eh, since when did you mellow down?


I'm always mellow. Have better things to do than meltdown over internet drama. This woman asked for help. Lets try to be a positive factor in all the ways we can 



> She only said that because she thinks its the "right thing to say." She is obsessed with external validation, she can never be wrong, and anything that doesn't fit neatly into her idea of "correct" get labeled as "hateful." She is a lost cause, her husband knows it, and is bailing.


It's not my place to defend her but every time she tries to post something about her side someone accuses her of that. If it is true or not isn't really a point. It's not that we can be a better influence on this situation if we are just being hostile. 

I told her right at the beginning of this thread that the crowd here is rough on cheaters and she needs to deal with that. Some of the stuff being said she just doesn't want to hear. NOBODY likes to have bad past choices being rubbed in their face.

But on our side it does no good going there again and again. Her husband has all the power now. From her side she only needs to be the best wife she can be. If she decides she can't take it anymore let it not be partially on us, alright?


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## Dan Carruthers

The Protagonist was/is just been selfish, and her affair was uncanny,unnecessary and callous, getting banged by the OMs, while the loving H was unaware. 

The H is seemingly justified for his present actions, and it's better that he be taking his own solace, contentment against the betrayal of the woman, by his strategies with other women,

so Stephanie, have your patience , tolerance for your states, as you yourself were guilty and you need to have your "punishment" .( this is what the H , might be thinking in his psyche) 

and , he might be thinking that once he will be "saturated" with his "revenge" , he and you,stephanie can be together and are "equalized" in your "cheating sprees".

and again, it should be noted that , he is less secretive than you were or are, henceforth, just let him have his time as well..and then perhaps , both of you can start again a better life , casting away your pasts and never to repeat your uncanny , unscrupulous affairs any more.

Let you discern with a balance of self and selflessness..do not die , however.


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## YellowRoses

Steph

Just remember that for every so-called 'hateful' response you read, there will be times when your husband feels 1000 x worse than that towards you

I am a BS, you totally ignore my posts - I am sceptical of you, your sincerity and your age but say so politely. But remember this I loved my husband more than I can describe, my tie to him was so strong. And do you know what that means ? That the hate I feel sometimes for him is also indescribably strong and of the raging nutjob kind. Thats because love and hate are flipsides of the same coin.

If you chuck your toys out of your pram based on what anonymous posters says, how well are you equipping yourself to acccept the depth of your husband's feelings.

You are selfish, you admit it but you are also an extremely blinkered young girl at the moment. You lack experience and worldliness no matter what you think, we were all the same. If you cannot grasp why you deserve even the harshest comments on here and why people think your husband may be foolish, then you are on a path which is going to meet harder and rockier ground.

Some people have mentioned humility - when (and if) you find that I think you'll find the path easier

Just re-read the title of this thread and think how arrogantly selfish a title like that it. Put it in context. We are what people perceive us to be and its harder than you think to mask yourself even on a net forum. I think people touch nerves with you all the time ... and then you sulk and run. 

Make no mistake, I have no desire for your marriage to end. I believe that people get married too soon sometimes and make the most terrible of choices living out what they should've done before they settled down. Some make it through, some do not What I and other people are trying to tell you is that there is a problem with the vibe you give off that you have to work on

You wrote more than me I think banging on about your husband's lack of attention during deployment. Then later say it was only a 2-4 minute slot in your counselling. That should tell you something but at the moment, it does not.


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## Truthstop

Stephanie.Jackson said:


> AK, that wasn't a "mean" response that you just gave, I like that kind of stuff.
> 
> I am not going to try and retract what I said because it was the honest to God truth. As horrible as it is, the year long deployment seemed to end extremely quickly because I was not alone. That's all it meant. Not that I was out having a blast and totally forgot about my husband and wished it would never end. No. But I'd be lying if I said the affair made the time go so slowly. That's all it meant.
> 
> I am selfish. Yes. Only a selfish person would make the choice I made. It's not something I go around doing, being a selfish person. But in this instance, it happened. So yes, I had an egotistic time in my life. But something I've learned through the books I've purchased to help me figure out why I let this happened was that just because I made a horrible choice to have an affair, does not make me a bad person. Even my husband, the one who is hurt more than anyone else in all of this, said that (on his own). He knows I am a good person, which helped remind me that I was, too. I am a good student, employee, friend, and before this moment I was a good wife. I cannot let this bad point in my life dictate how I view myself because let's say we did reconcile. If that were to happen and I was still always beating myself up saying I am a horrible wife and all that, well, if I don't believe I can make myself a better person, then why should my husband?
> I am not afraid to say I had a selfish streak this past year. That's the first question the marriage counselor asked, and the first question everyone else asked. "Why did you do it?" Because I was a selfish woman who made the choice to have an affair due to my loneliness.
> 
> Unfortunately though, some people have insulted my husband.


Stephanie, I joined this site using a different user name so that I can anonymously report what I am going thru right now without someone finding out, Oh I know that guy!! Yet, I read this and thought, before I post my horrible story! Lets see if I can help you with yours. :scratchhead: I am former military, have many years of biblical research under my belt, It helps when filtering other peoples garbage and judgement callings about me. Just to give you a small background. 

With such a long deployment, that within itself open the door for this to occur. I don't care what anyone says, it happens all the time. Some girls and guys that don't have a HIGH Sex drive, can manage and sustain such a long time without sex! I am not one of those people at ALL!! Married? I don't know, it would be hard for me to call my wife and tell her, LOOK, masturbation is not working for me, I need some flesh! Do I have permission to got release in some women I will never see again? The answer would be NO!! HELL NO or Maybe Honey, If i get to choose her, she has to be 69 years old though! do you still want to?

In the Navy, Army , Marines! I have seen men screw on deployment with many women trying to fill the void of absence! While expecting the women to stay faithful or not getting laid at all! I met only one Officer, who wife and him, came up with an agreement that seemed Odd! If his deployment lasted over the 5 months mark, each has permission to see a sex provider that they each picked out for each other? I cant say where he was deployed , but it was not here in the US! Overseas, and his wife picked out a 24 year old upscale provider for him, and he likewise did for her. Everything was agreed upon, and only would happen if one failed to sustain! Unreal!! My wife would never go for such a thing, too insecure and too morally upright.

Anyway, You have been setup in the worst way possible! you really think, he did not screw OW behind your back during your little sexual affair?? Please! even if he didn't , he is making up for it now. This is NOT!! ALL your fault, so please stop acting like it, I've not seen a picture of you but I am certain, you are one Hot looking women at our age. You will have no problem finding someone else! Yes, you did get lead on, most men are liars!! Hello!! you always keep guarding your heart, you only give all when they give all, and that can only be in marriage, believe it or not, or some form of commitment. 

So! remove the guilt for a season, give yourself a break, hold your head up sister high again, and know, that you are normal! As for God? looking upon this thing? Confess yor sins, and he shall forgive you your sins, and he shall cast them as far as the east is from the west! and Remember them NO MORE!! So, I take it you've done that! If God says, he will remember it no more, why in HELL are you keeping it FRESH! Dump it already and move the F..k ON! Its only holding you back. 

If he can't forgive you? then he simply can't forgive all the things he also did to you behind your back and in front of you in the daylight! and only wishes to hurt you further! Yes, that is the intention, to hurt the other person. If this happened to me,and I caught my wife in this scenario. Besides the obvious concerns, like : was it unprotected!, how far did you really go, like just missionary or FS,DATY, BJ, etc, did you just go wild? did you get some disease out of this and give it to me etc. Once, I get past that garbage, the next question is the Biggest! 

"You either have an error in Judgement? or in Heart" Which one? Do you love him? or were you just seduced by him and the circumstances? The answer to that is critical, because judgement errors can be corrected, but the Heart! is hard to change and clean up, the transition period can take a year or two! with no guarantees. Its at that point, I have to decide if its worth (the marriage that is) saving. But its the only two questions I feel A man must content with. If it is proven either one, then he must now make the 100% decision to stand by it. 

With all this nonsense going on, I am surprised some of his close buddies who are single or unhappy in their own relationships have not made a move on you! by now. Its how it happens, they begin to think your vulnerable! Sharks!!

So, please , don't kill yourself, thats the dumbest thing in the world next to politics, forgive yourself, and remember, you did not plan for this to happen, you did not orchestrate it! Now if you did, then I am sorry to say, you just got a taste of your own medicine, live with it and move on. But, that hopefully is not the case from what I've read. 

Its time for you to do an inventory! I have no idea what you do for a living, if you work as a professional or what, if you do, in any category, think about moving forward. With or without HIM! 

I believe the more desirable you make yourself look, the more attractive you are! The stronger you become as a women, the more Men, will be drawn to you! A woman's looks may draw me in, but weakness! will never keep me! If she is weak, I don't really want any long standing relationship with her, who does?? 

I know a women right now, that Men would die to have, yet the one she is with will not marry her because HIS MOTHER DISAPPROVES!! So, she started seeing other men behind his back and that's all I can say about it. My mothers opinion is important to me as it is to everyone but she alone will not sway my decision when I choose to marry the women of my dreams! That is crazy! 

As for counseling and seeing the chapel, do it only for yourself, to make yourself stronger!! to heal your own heart! To remind yourself that you are worth being with. Hell, if I was not attached, just by the sound of your loyalty and effort! I would be honored to marry you! So , please stop this madness!!  Remember who you are and what you were when he 1st met you, and see an attorney, independent of the military's , you'd be surprised how quickly things can change. 

Feel free to contact me anytime. I hope you get well soon and stop the pity party, you've been celebrating wayyyyyy to much on.


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## anonymouskitty

^ Stop your bull**** Truthstop, you're not doing anyone a favour here. If you're out looking to prey on vulnerable women, you can do that someplace else . And to be honest, i lol'd when you said masturbation was not working for you.


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## Paladin

LOL i wonder if its her with a new account.. the way that d-bag wrote "wayyyy" looked familiar.

@truthstop

did you even bother to read any of this thread? Or did you just read the title and decide to spout off some nonsense? She says what she does for a living, she has posted a pic of herself. There is absolutely _*nothing*_ to indicate that he cheated while he was deployed, and for you to say otherwise just goes to show how ignorant you and your statements are. 

you say the affair was not her fault? That her affair partner seduced her? LOL so she has no agency at all? I'm really not even sure why I bothered, i guess your post was just so far fetched I wanted to process it a bit further by responding.


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## costa200

> Feel free to contact me anytime.


Holy crap man... I know the ins and outs and could actually get tons of women chasing me whenever and wherever, but man to man, this is like scrapping the end of the barrel. How lower can you possibly get? If you think you've got game doing this kind of crap you're wrong. You got nothing...


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## Beowulf

One reason TAM needs a DISLIKE button.


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## Truthstop

Look, that feel free to contact me anytime is being taken out of context, no real shock! by many of you. I only meant it by getting her head straight! I would not and do not have to prey on anyone this weak! If any of you noticed, I just let all you rant on me without responding! I was waiting to see if any of YOU! could see how weak she had allowed herself to become thru all of this via guilt . But No! You'd had to think something otherwise, its ok, I can take it. I said what I said, to get all variables out in the open! And as for Proof he cheated on her while being deployed? There is none! why would there be?? I simply stated that Others who have been deployed have. Good Grief.


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## carpenoctem

Truthstop said:


> Look, that feel free to contact me anytime is being taken out of context, no real shock! by many of you. I only meant it by getting her head straight! I would not and do not have to prey on anyone this weak! If any of you noticed, I just let all you rant on me without responding! I was waiting to see if any of YOU! could see how weak she had allowed herself to become thru all of this via guilt . But No! You'd had to think something otherwise, its ok, I can take it. I said what I said, to get all variables out in the open! And as for Proof he cheated on her while being deployed? There is none! why would there be?? I simply stated that Others who have been deployed have. Good Grief.



You mean, if she responded to your entrapment, you could prove to everyone here that she had been left so vulnerable by the attacks on her self-esteem, that she would even respond to such an obvious attempt at preying on her vulnerability?

I BELIEVE that is exactly what you tried to do, brother.


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## costa200

Truthstop said:


> Look, that feel free to contact me anytime is being taken out of context, no real shock! by many of you. I only meant it by getting her head straight! I would not and do not have to prey on anyone this weak! If any of you noticed, I just let all you rant on me without responding! I was waiting to see if any of YOU! could see how weak she had allowed herself to become thru all of this via guilt . But No! You'd had to think something otherwise, its ok, I can take it. I said what I said, to get all variables out in the open! And as for Proof he cheated on her while being deployed? There is none! why would there be?? I simply stated that Others who have been deployed have. Good Grief.


Dude, it's getting embarrassing now... You really need to up your repertoire. Oh, and feel free to contact me anytime...


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## that_girl

Drama  Don't feed it, people!


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## Kallan Pavithran

anonymouskitty said:


> ^ Stop your bull**** Truthstop, you're not doing anyone a favour here. If you're out looking to prey on vulnerable women, you can do that someplace else . And to be honest, i lol'd when you said masturbation was not working for you.


:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

You nailed him.


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## anonim

Truthstop said:


> Snip...


Hey bro, i think you logged into talkaboutmarriage.com instead of doccool.com by accident.


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## Truthstop

*Stephanie I am sorry, Members of this forum I am sorry, this is turning into something It shouldn't. My personality alone causes me not to back down from anything or anyone. But' my real genuine concern was to somehow boost her confidence, get her stop condemning herself & allow a negative event of circumstances to be used against her. I have NO! intention on making contact with her or anyone! in this forum. 

Stephanie, I pray that you seek counseling and that whether or not your Husband joins you is irrelevant! You need to do it for yourself regardless of the outcome. It can and will strengthen you in the years to come. You will be able to look back at this time and learn from it, and move on. I was in a very angry mood when I posted that dumb reply, for that I am deeply sorry, I did not wish to give you or anyone the wrong impression. In the future, I will be more careful about what I say and how I say it and what I really mean. 

This will be my last response to this, I am sure someone will find the clever means to distort or make it seem malicious in someway. Which within itself tells me all I need to know about them. Again, I apologize, I made a mistake, I will learn from and not repeat it again , so that it can be so easily twisted and manipulated by others.


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## carpenoctem

*Truthstop:*

Excertpts from your post:

QUOTE:
"Stephanie, I pray that you seek counseling and that whether or not your Husband joins you is irrelevant! You need to do it for yourself regardless of the outcome. It can and will strengthen you in the years to come. You will be able to look back at this time and learn from it, and move on." UNQUOTE


*Absolutely YES.*
That is what many / most people were trying to get to her.



Excertpts from your post:

QUOTE: "This will be my last response to this, I am sure someone will find the clever means to distort or make it seem malicious in someway." UNQUOTE


*Absolutely NO.*
No one tried to / had to 'distort' anything you said to make it seem malicious. It just seemed malicious on the face of it.

People who get here are already on an emotional high alert, mate. So, when tweaked, they might react in a hyper mode sometimes. Goes with the territory.


However, let me apologize for offending you.
(All right. That was not a very sincere apology. But there it is. *My first conscious lie on TAM*)


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