# What does it mean when...



## discouragedstepmom (Nov 17, 2011)

i asked my husband who does he want to fight with more... me or his Ex and he says neither....

we are constantly going back and forth on him creating boundaries with her and saying things to her instead of just letting them go.. and I just asked him who he wants to fight with more, me or her and he said neither... 
i feel like he should of said her cuz because i love you and you are now my family.... i am hurt and i don't know how else to take that.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

does he have children with the ex?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

discouragedstepmom said:


> i asked my husband who does he want to fight with more... me or his Ex and he says neither....
> 
> we are constantly going back and forth on him creating boundaries with her and saying things to her instead of just letting them go.. and I just asked him who he wants to fight with more, me or her and he said neither...
> i feel like he should of said her cuz because i love you and you are now my family.... i am hurt and i don't know how else to take that.


Now that's not fair. You asked him a gotcha question. If you are looking to hear only what you want to hear, do not ask him the question. Obviously you were not looking to find out what he really thought.

These types of questions are setups. The chance of him guessing what you really wanted to hear is slime to none.

There is nothing wrong with his response. Apparently he does not want to fight with either of you. That makes a lot of sense.

If you want a healty marriage, you need to drop this. And stop asking this kind of question if you cannot accept him having thoughts of his own.


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## discouragedstepmom (Nov 17, 2011)

Yes he has 2 children with her


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## discouragedstepmom (Nov 17, 2011)

I didn't think that there was anything wrong with me asking him that question when we have been going back and forth for years and he has never really understood what boundaries were and after we nearly divorced and even our counselors said that he needs to be in OUR family (including his kids as well) then he needs to stop avoiding what the true issues are.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

I think it's easy to see that the answer you wanted was "I pick you". It's just that the question you were using to get there wasn't going to get that response. It's like asking how do you want to die- x or y? The answer is that I don't especially want to die and I'm going to avoid that for as long as I can. He doesn't want to fight with anyone and so he avoids conflict for as long as he can... But in this situation, it sounds like, much like dying, he's going to end up having to confront someone at some point.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SoWhat (Jan 7, 2012)

discouragedstepmom: your other issues with him, the ex, etc., are not relevant to what's important here. What's important is that you asked him a no-win question and then made a thread about it. 

You and everyone here knows it's a no-win, "gotcha" question. 
I co-sign everything EleGirl said.


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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

I don't see why you are hurting over that, or upset.

He simply said he doesn't want to fight with anyone. I think that's a good thing.

Perhaps he just doesn't want the stress of a fight.

As long as you aren't worried about him cheating on you with her, I would just let him fight his own battles. You can give him advice but you can't force your opinions on him. Give him advice, let him learn the hard way and work out the kinks on his own. He's a grown man.
There's no use in you fretting over his ex and his arguments/fights. Unless you are directly involved, perhaps *you* need to let it go.


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## althea (Jan 26, 2012)

From my own personal experience, I'm guessing that without the background context, OP's question to her husband was meant differently than it sounds.

I've had to ask the same question before, but it goes more like this: "Why is it OK for you put my feelings aside or fight with me just so you can avoid a fight with your ex?"

Trust me when I say there are spouses out there who are so afraid of their ex for whatever reason- custody threats, years of ingrained patterns of behavior, the ex acting crazy, you name it- or are so non-confrontational that they will do things that are wrong for their "current" family simply in order to avoid an argument with the ex. 

I also belong to a forum for stepparents and even with grown men and women, this happens often. Very often. In the beginning it sounds harmless- not wanting to rock the boat, so to speak, with the ex. It can really hurt the current family, however, when the whims of the ex trump everyone else.

Ex wants some completely out of bounds request? Sure...no worries...discouragedstepmom will be easier to deal with than ex, so let's choose the fight with her.

It sounds like he has been willing to attend counseling before, so that's good. I think maybe a couple more sessions are in order to address the boundaries that are not being implemented and that it's not ok to hurt you in order to take the easy road.

I hope you see this, OP, so that you know someone understands.


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

discouragedstepmom said:


> Yes he has 2 children with her



Then that was really not fair question, and the response you wanted was not fair either. 

You may want to hear that you are his family now, but the truth is he already had these two kids when you married him and they will always be his family. And like it or not there will always be a connection to his ex because they share two kids. 

I like that he doesn't want to fight with is ex, that shows that he doesn't want to make things harder on his kids. And if he were fighting with his ex the kids would suffer. 

Honestly I think this was a little immature on your part.


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## althea (Jan 26, 2012)

I respectfully counter that the situation is not always as rosy as was just painted above. 

Given that there are boundary issues acknowledged by counselors and possibly OP's husband as well (can't really tell), it's wrong to assume OP is being immature or setting her husband up to fail. I think she could have worded her question differently, but it still could be valid.

Where does "not rocking the boat for the sake of the kids" end? Being at the beck and call of the ex, putting up with harassment from the ex, or allowing the ex to continue with destructive behaviors is not healthy. 

I have also been in a situation where the ex made everyone's lives miserable and since I'm not as vocal, and certainly not as vindictive, it was easier for my significant other to let her get her way and try to smooth things over with me later. I'm guessing I've had similar conversations as the OP. There have been arguments. What finally happened in our case is that I changed my home phone number to avoid harassment from the ex and my significant other has taken to just going behind my back as much as possible in dealing with his ex. This is almost as bad.

I've been reading these forums for a pretty long time, trying to get ideas for our relationship. Today I finally registered because this is such a hot topic for me (obviously) and is a pretty decent sized piece of what needs help in our relationship. So to read this problem being dismissed as immature or none of her business...I had to chime in.

Disclaimer to everything I have said: Please remember that early on I mentioned she could/should have worded her question differently. Also, I am reading more into the situation than most people because of my similar circumstances (therapist confirmed crazy boundary crossing behavior).


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> There is nothing wrong with his response. Apparently he does not want to fight with either of you. That makes a lot of sense.


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree: I don't blame him either. Fighting with the ex and the current wives? Poor guy! My advice is to let him handle his own business with the ex and mother of his kids. And for you to grow up and stand by him. You knew going in this that he had kids and an ex to deal with for a LONG time.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

There was really no way to get an answer you would like for a question framed like this one was -unless you handed him a script you approved....seriously...nothing was wrong with his reply... he took no sides in this..... you are building this one up "in your mind". 

Healthy boundaries and better communication is what is needed between him & his ex...for sure. Does she threaten him - like the insights althea suggested ?


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Now that's not fair. You asked him a gotcha question. If you are looking to hear only what you want to hear, do not ask him the question. Obviously you were not looking to find out what he really thought.
> 
> These types of questions are setups. The chance of him guessing what you really wanted to hear is slime to none.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> There was really no way to get an answer you would like for a question framed like this one was -unless you handed him a script you approved....seriously...nothing was wrong with his reply... he took no sides in this..... you are building this one up "in your mind".
> 
> Healthy boundaries and better communication is what is needed between him & his ex...for sure. Does she threaten him - like the insights althea suggested ?


As usual I find myself in agreement with SA!

That question is rather like asking; When did you stop beating your wife. It is the no win scenario.

thank God my wife stopped that years ago. Those questions kept me in tremendous anxiety cause I knew no matter what I said it could be taken anyway she felt at the moment.

Nowadays we have a very transparent relationship and can talk to each other about anything and I mean anything.


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## althea (Jan 26, 2012)

southern wife said:


> You knew going in this that he had kids and an ex to deal with for a LONG time.


*This is one of the single most hurtful things people in this situation hear*. No matter how prepared you think you are...no matter how many scenarios you envision...no matter how much talking you do ahead of time...no matter how long you know each other beforehand...there are just times that you have absolutely no way to predict what something will be like, especially when you throw in the variable of human behavior.

OP has gone to the extent of counseling to work on her situation. To me that is "growing up and standing by him". 

I can personally ignore everything that goes on between my significant other and his ex UNTIL it hurts people. 
When she engages in threatening, destructive, hurtful behavior that affects me, her own kids (!), my kids, my pets, and even significant other...yes, we're going to have an argument if he lets us get trampled in order to "keep the peace" with her.

_To simplify this that OP needs to suck it up is not helpful. Yes, she terribly worded her question...but she is reaching out to her husband for help and came to this forum to reach out for help, not to be bashed for the unfortunate semantics of her question._

Yes, I'm harping...but I've lived through this and am starting to come out on the other end. I want to help OP, not nitpick her question.


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