# Caught wife cheating with friend



## Amarillofat

Recently caught my wife cheating with the male of a 20 year friend couple.

Very sorry and regretful. Knew it was wrong. Wants to and willing to make amends

Should we tell our adult children? Wife's parents?

Help!


----------



## raging_pain

Amarillofat said:


> Recently caught my wife cheating with the male of a 20 year friend couple.
> 
> Very sorry and regretful. Knew it was wrong. Wants to and willing to make amends
> 
> Should we tell our adult children? Wife's parents?
> 
> Help!


whatever you do, don't lie for her. if you feel like you should tell the OM's wife, then do it. and you probably should tell her. acting like everything is cool when it isn't is unforgivable, and 
would only serve to lessen your character overall.

if the four of you want to deal with it on your own terms, so be it. but every member of both relationships should definitely be aware of what happened. basically, either OM tells his BS, or you do.


----------



## berlin292

If she's genuinely sorry, and is remorseful, and willing to work to fix the marriage, and is committed to fixing the marriage, and is honest and has cut off contact and is transparent, then no need to tell anyone. I think keeping it between the two of you can make you stronger. You have to have trust to do that, and if she does all those things, you are well on your way to rebuilding trust and rebuilding the relationship.

In my situation, my wife wasn't willing to do any of that. She kept having contact with the OM for 3.5 months, and wouldn't say a simple declarative sentence like "I want to stay married. I want to fix our relationship." Instead, it was always, "I don't know, I have to find myself."

Eventually, I told people. I wanted family members to know the truth. I wasn't willing to put on some act and pretend like everything was fine when it wasn't, and when my wife was almost doing everything she could to force me to end the marriage.

I hope you're wife is committed. If she is, and works to fix the damage she's done, then it can stay between the two of you and the kids and others don't need to know.

Best of luck.


----------



## Amarillofat

OM told his wife, who was my wife's best friend


----------



## Amarillofat

Only problem is we did everything all of the time with this couple so our circle of friends and adult children are going to say"Why aren't you hanging out with T&S anymore?"


----------



## TDSC60

Have you decided to stay with her?

Some folks jump to reconciling WAY too soon after finding out. Your marriage must be placed on hold and family and friends should be told why.

You must not rugsweep. Do not let her say "Oh I made a mistake. Oh I am so sorry. Now lets just forget about that and put it in the past". Make sure you have all the details so you know what you are dealing with.

Give yourself some time to process what has happened and how you feel about it. When decide what you want to do.


----------



## Amarillofat

Already agreed to see counselor/therapist and said she hates OM and doesn't want to see him again


----------



## Amarillofat

Wife has offered details and is willing to talk about it but I don't know if I want to know the details or not? Do you fool around at our house? Did you have intercourse or just do other things?


----------



## walkonmars

They're adults. They're going to have relationship problems of their own. Why don't you have a frank (not detailed) discussion with them. 

"Kids you have to guard your marriages, you thought we had a good one right? Well we did, but even then your mom found xxxx too attractive and they had an affair. It's over. We're never going to associate with them again. 

"We are dealing with this, so you might notice some differences in how we act with each other. But we're working together. Let this be a lesson. Even best friends can come between partners. Any questions?"


----------



## TDSC60

Amarillofat said:


> Already agreed to see counselor/therapist and said she hates OM and doesn't want to see him again


Has she owned her part in the affair? It takes two willing adults to do what they did. Has she admitted to the lies, the deceptions, betrayals? 

Why does SHE want to stay married to a man that she so easily tossed aside?

Lots of questions to be answered.


----------



## Chaparral

I think they should be told. Otherwise their opinion of the OM will be totally wrong. He's a snake and everyone who may have contact with him should know. Especially your kids. Its up to them if they want to forgive and forget. They should also know what is going on in your relationship with your wife since there is a really good chance you will not be able to handle this in the long run.


----------



## anchorwatch

berlin292 said:


> If she's genuinely sorry, and is remorseful, and willing to work to fix the marriage, and is committed to fixing the marriage, and is honest and has cut off contact and is transparent, then no need to tell anyone. I think keeping it between the two of you can make you stronger. You have to have trust to do that, and if she does all those things, you are well on your way to rebuilding trust and rebuilding the relationship.


Rug sweeping doesn't work. Keeping affairs secret only allow them to continue or reignite. Read some of the stories on this forum and see the consequences of failure to properly expose.


----------



## walkonmars

Amarillofat said:


> Wife has offered details and is willing to talk about it but I don't know if I want to know the details or not? Do you fool around at our house? Did you have intercourse or just do other things?


My, my, my..... I didn't know you haven't dealt with this. And you haven't not at all. 

You need to have her write out a detailed account of what happened. Where. How often. When. Who else knew about them. Who else helped them. What they said. 

She needs to write this in ink in a bound spiral notebook. You can read it if you want - and you should. Because this does several things.

1. You have a base for what happened. Later she can't minimize. Or later you can check on certain things. 

2. She needs to confess and know that there are no more secrets. She did the deed. She needs to at the least acknowledge it to you. 

Get this done. And the kids need to know too. They are adults and will learn from this.


----------



## Chaparral

A lot of cheaters say they now hate their affair partner. Of course it is usually a lie and they are still messing around.


----------



## TDSC60

Amarillofat said:


> Wife has offered details and is willing to talk about it but I don't know if I want to know the details or not? Do you fool around at our house? Did you have intercourse or just do other things?


I think it is better to get it all out in the open now. How would you like it if 6 months from now you found out the had sex on the kitchen table that you eat off or in the bed that you sleep in?

Most BSs need to purge anything associated with the affair. Including burning clothes she wore for him. Tossing any little gifts that he gave or anything she bought for the affair.


----------



## Chaparral

How long did this go on?


----------



## Chaparral

Does she know you are here?


----------



## Chaparral

Print this off and study it with her:

*Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.

The Sea of Stress is Difficult to Understand.

YOU BETRAYED YOUR PARTNER. NOW COMES THE FALLOUT.

They discovered your adultery. You ended the affair and promised you’ll never cheat again. But the stress from their emotional devastation lingers. And you don’t see much change – at least, not as much positive change as you expected. Many times, any visible changes are for the worse. You observe them bouncing back and forth like a ping-pong ball, moment to moment, from one emotion to the next. They’re unpredictable. There’s no discernable pattern. Their nerves are frayed. They can’t sleep. They can’t eat. Their thoughts are obsessive. Intrusive visions and flashbacks assault them without warning. They cry at the drop of a hat. They feel empty, used up, exhausted. The stress consumes their energy and their life until they feel like there’s nothing left. It’s terrible.

It’s an ordeal for you to witness their tortured, depressed and angry states, and what’s worse; you don’t know what to do. You’re not alone. Unfaithful spouses never dream they’ll get busted, so when confronted with their adultery they’re always caught by surprise; first by their partners’ knowledge, then by their intense agony. Indeed, unfaithful partners never think about what they’ll face “after” until after. The fact is: Though they inflict it, adulterers are unprepared for the onslaught of their spouses’ overwhelming emotional distress. Is this real? Is this permanent?

As you watch them sink lower and lower, wallowing in an emotional abyss, you wonder where the bottom is, when they will hit it, and if they will ever ascend from it and return to “normal.” You ask yourself, “Is this real?” Then you ask, “Will this ever end?”

The simple answers are: Yes, it is real. And, yes, it will end. But recovery takes a long time, often years, and much depends on you. Can you be remorseful, apologetic, loving, patient, empathetic and soothing over an extended period of time? Can you commit to openness and honesty at all times – and forevermore being faithful to your spouse?

Be honest with yourself: If you can’t or don’t want to get over your affair, if you don’t feel shame and remorse, and if you can’t generously provide appropriate support to your spouse, then now is the time to consider ending your marriage and spare your marital partner further pain. (If this is the case, you need not read any further.)

But if you have put the affair permanently behind you, if you feel and can freely express your remorse and shame for your unfaithfulness, and if you can commit to supporting your spouse through their excruciating anguish, then you have an excellent chance of rebuilding from this disaster you’ve wrought to a happy, satisfying, caring and loving marriage. The following is intended to help you help your partner, and in turn yourself, through this horrible time and jumpstart your journey to recovery.

So, take a couple of deep breaths… and let’s start with three foundational facts:

What you’re seeing in your spouse is a normal reaction to a life-changing event.

Your spouse needs to grieve for as long as it takes in order to recover and heal.

You can be a positive influence on their recovery.

Now, go back and reread them several times. Let them really sink in. When you can repeat them without looking, continue.

Your first mission is to learn.

Learning about your partner’s myriad reactions to your betrayal allows you to recognize, understand and properly respond to them as they occur. Doing so will help you get through
this horrible initial stage, which can last a long time.
Below you’ll find a little of what your spouse is probably experiencing. They may shift from one reaction to another, or they could experience multiple reactions concurrently. And don’t be surprised if they return to previous states many times. Where applicable, we’ve added some tips to help you to assist your partner through this. In some cases, however, there may be little for you to do except to simply “be there.”

Most importantly, remember at all times: Your infidelity has traumatized your spouse. Act accordingly.

SECTION 1 - THE WILD PATCHWORK OF EMOTIONS

DISBELIEF: They expect to wake up any minute from this nightmare. It can’t be true. They don’t believe it. This is natural. They trusted you and don’t want to believe you did what you did. It is common for this to occur in the very first moments of discovery. (Note: If some time elapsed between the discovery of your affair and the confrontation, you may have missed this when it happened, but it is also possible for your spouse to return to disbelief.)

SHOCK: They are numb and often seem dazed. Their emotions are frozen. Their senses are dulled. They go through the motions mechanically, robotically, but can’t seem to apply sufficient concentration to their day-to-day lives.

REALITY: “Oh my God. It really happened.” They feel they’re getting worse. Actually, reality has just set in. It’s as if a ton of bricks just fell on them and they’re buried beneath them. They don’t know where to turn, or can’t. Don’t discount the likelihood that they feel shamed by your infidelity. So, they may be reluctant to seek support from friends and family. Be available to them for emotional support and encourage them to talk freely with anyone they choose. Suggest therapy as a means to help them through their trauma, but never accuse them of “being irrational” or “acting crazy.” Be supportive and encouraging. Commend them for seeking help.

CONFUSION: They’re disoriented. They can’t think straight. They become impatient, disorganized and forgetful. More frequently than usual they go to a room to retrieve something, but once they get there they can’t remember what it was. This is very upsetting to them. Bear with them. Be gentle and be helpful. Help them find their misplaced purse or locate their lost keys. Know that they will eventually come out of the fog. Also be aware that their confusion, as with other states listed here, may be set off or magnified by certain “triggers.” (Note: Read more about “triggers” below.)

PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS: They may sleep or eat too little – or too much. They may suffer physical aches and pains, numbness or weakness. They may feel unusually tense and develop headaches, abnormal tics, twitching or shaking. They may feel sick to their stomach and vomit, or their digestive system may react with constipation or diarrhea. Weight loss is common. Usually the symptoms fade gradually. If these symptoms persist, make sure they check with a doctor to rule out other causes. Encourage them to eat well and to exercise – but don’t nag. You might instead take control of their diet by preparing healthy, well balanced meals. If you don’t cook, take them to restaurants where you know they serve nourishing food and, if necessary, order for them. If they’re not exercising, initiate taking long walks together. It’s a good way to ease them into a healthy exercise regimen, which is always a good stress reliever, and will provide opportunity for you to begin constructively re-establishing your “couplehood.”

CRYING: Deep emotions suddenly well up, seeking release as crying, uncontrollable sobbing and even screaming out loud. Allow them their time for tears. They can help. So can you. When they cry, give them your shoulder. Hug them. Help them through it by gently encouraging them, to “get it all out.” Be certain to verbalize your remorse for causing their pain. They need to hear this from you. (Note: Right now, genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit. That is why you’ll see many more references below. Read “Apologize” in Section 2.)

SELF-CONTROL: They control their emotions to fulfill their responsibilities, or to simply rest from the pain. Self-control can shape and give rhythm to their grieving, but be on the lookout for constant and rigid self-control. It can block healing. They need to reduce their emotional pressure to regain equilibrium. Allow them to vent when it happens. Be aware: Too much self-control means they are storing up much anger and will release it powerfully, like floodwaters breaking through a dam. So don’t be alarmed if they suddenly lash out at you, your affair partner, or even themselves. Understand that the release of anger is necessary to heal. Though it may not feel this way to you when it happens, it’s beneficial.

NEED TO KNOW: They will ask lots of questions. Their curiosity may be insatiable or it may be limited. Different people have different needs and tolerances for information, but they need information to process their trauma, move through it, and move past it.

Let them set the agenda. Whenever they ask a question, whatever they ask, answer honestly and sufficiently. Refusing to answer gives the appearance that you’re still keeping them in the dark, that you still have something to hide. Do not hold anything back. If they discover later that you omitted or hid details, or if the facts they discover don’t match the story you tell, they’ll feel betrayed once again. Follow the delivery of each new piece of hurtful information with an apology, and soothe them with another promise that you’ll never again be unfaithful.

WHY: They ask, “Why did you do this?” They may or may not expect an answer, but they ask repeatedly. If they do want an answer, provide it – and answer honestly. Even if the question is rhetorical, be aware that the question itself, rhetorical or not, is a cry of pain. And each time they feel pain, it should be answered with another apology. (I can’t stress enough how important this is.) Be aware: Even if they are not verbalizing this to you, they are still silently asking the question “Why?” over and over and over again.

INJUSTICE: They feel it’s all so unfair. You invited danger, you took the risk, but they suffered injury. They want justice and begin to think like a vigilante. They may harbour a secret desire to do harm to you or your affair partner. They may want to get even by having a “revenge affair.”
Understand that the aftermath of your unfaithfulness is an agony you have thrust upon them. Meanwhile, despite your betrayal and deceit, and the shame you feel, you and your affair partner may retain fond or even loving memories of your affair. One of my patients described her feelings of injustice this way: “I feel like a rape victim watching helplessly as the jury returns a ‘not guilty’ verdict. Then, the assailant looks at me, points his finger at me and laughs all the way out of the courtroom. How can this possibly happen?”

A sad truth of infidelity is: It is unfair. Of course, there is no “justice” that can come from this. Betrayed spouses generally settle into this realization on their own, but they need to know that you understand how this plagues them. (Note: Read “Share your feelings of guilt and shame” in Section 2. It explains the best way to help them through their sense of injustice.)

INADEQUACY: Their self esteem is shattered. They feel belittled, insignificant, and often even unlovable. Just as you would crumple a piece of scrap paper and toss it in the garbage without a second thought, they feel you crushed them, discarded them, and didn’t give them a second thought, either. So, they question their own value. They wonder if you truly love them – or if anyone could. They need to know why you now choose them over your affair partner, even if they don’t ask. Make your case convincingly. Be generous, but be genuine. They’ll know if you aren’t, and false flattery for the purpose of mere appeasement will only hurt them more.

REPEATING: Over and over again, they review the story, thinking the same thoughts. Do not attempt to stop them. Repeating helps them to absorb and process the painful reality. You can help them get through it by answering all their questions truthfully and filling in all the gaps for them. The more they know – the more they can repeat the complete story – the faster they process it, accept it and begin to heal. If the story remains incomplete or significant gaps are filled in later, they may have to start the process all over again.

IDEALIZING: Sometimes they remember only good memories, as if their time with you was perfect. They long to live in the past, before the affair came along and “messed it up.” Assure them that you, too, remember the good times, and want things to be good again. Remind them that you want an even better future, that you are willing to work at it, and, most importantly, that you want your future with them – and not your affair partner.

FRUSTRATION: Their past fulfillments are gone. They haven’t found new ones yet and don’t seem interested in finding any. They feel they’re not coping with grief “right” or they feel they should be healing faster. They don’t understand why the pain returns again and again. They wonder if they will ever recover and feel better. You can help them by verbalizing what they need to hear even if you don’t or can’t fully understand it yourself. Be empathetic and assure them that under the circumstances they’re doing okay. Remember that despite how much you have hurt them, you are still the one they chose as their life partner, for better or for worse. You may still be their closest confidante. As incongruous as it may seem, don’t be surprised if they choose to confide in you over others.

BITTERNESS: Feelings of resentment and hatred toward you and your paramour are to be expected. Don’t be surprised if they redirect much of the anger that’s really meant for you toward your paramour. This is natural. It’s actually a way of protecting their love for you during the early stages. By restricting their anger toward you, they allow it to be time-released, and only in smaller, more manageable amounts. Expect their anger to surface periodically, and give them plenty of time to work through it so they can eventually let go of it. Understand that until they’ve worked through and exhausted their anger, they cannot heal.

WAITING: The initial struggle is waning, but their zest for life has not returned. They are in limbo, they are exhausted and uncertain. Indeed, life seems flat and uninteresting. They are unenthused about socializing, perhaps reluctant, and they are unable to plan activities for themselves. Help them by finding ways to stimulate them. Plan activities for them around things that hold their interest and bring joy back into their life.

EMOTIONS IN CONFLICT: This is one of the most difficult manifestations because there is so much going on at the same time and their feelings do not always synchronize with reality. The most succinct description was provided by the late Shirley Glass, PhD: “One of the ironies of healing from infidelity is that the perpetrator must become the healer. This means that betrayed partners are vulnerable because the person they are most likely to turn to in times of trouble is precisely the source of their danger.” The inherent conflict for a betrayed spouse is obvious, but Dr. Glass also recognized how difficult this balancing act can be for a repentant adulterer: “On the other hand, [unfaithful] partners sometimes find it hard to stay engaged with their spouses when they know they are the source of such intense pain.” The key, of course, is to stay engaged nonetheless. Be supportive and remorseful, and above all… keep talking.

TRIGGERS: Particular dates, places, items and activities can bring back their pain as intensely as ever. It feels like they’re caught in a loop as they relive the trauma. It is emotionally debilitating.

Triggers can cause days and nights of depression, renew anger, and can spark and reignite nightmares, which may make them fear sleeping. Triggers can cause them to question if they will ever again experience life without the anguish. Get rid of all the reminders immediately: Gifts, letters, pictures, cards, emails, clothing… whatever your spouse associates with your affair. Do this with your spouse so they are not left wondering when those triggers may recur. Never cling to anything that bothers your partner. It leaves the impression that your keepsakes and mementos, or any reminders of your affair, are more important to you than they are.

Attend to your partner. Learn what dates, songs, places, etc., are triggers for your partner. Pay attention to your environment: If you hear or see something that you think might be a trigger, assume it is. Each occasion a trigger arises is an appropriate moment for you to communicate a clear and heartfelt message that you’re sorry you acted so selfishly and caused this recurring pain. So again, apologize and let them know how much you love them. The occurrence of a trigger is also a good opportunity to express that you choose them and not your affair partner, which is important for them to hear. If a trigger occurs in public, you can still wrap your arm around your spouse’s waist or shoulder, or simply squeeze their hand, but verbalize your apology as soon as you are alone again.

It is very important for you to understand and remember this… Triggers can remain active for their entire life. Don’t ever think or insist that enough time has passed that they should be “over it” because another sad truth of infidelity is: Your affair will remain a permanent memory for them, subject to involuntary recall at any time – even decades later. They will NEVER be “over it.” They simply learn to deal with it better as they heal, as you earn back their trust, and as you rebuild your relationship – over time.

SECTION 2 - WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO TO EASE THEIR PAIN & RELIEVE THEIR STRESS?

Make certain you’ve killed the beast: Your affair must be over, in all respects, completely and forever. You cannot put your marriage in jeopardy ever again. Your spouse has given you a second chance that you probably don’t deserve. That may sound harsh, but think about it this way: Despite any marital problems the two of you experienced, you would certainly understand if they divorced you solely because of your adultery. So assume there will not be a third chance and behave accordingly.

This opportunity you have been bestowed is a monumental gift, particularly considering the anguish you caused them. Treat this gift, and your spouse, with care and due respect: No contact means NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND – EVER.

GET INTO THERAPY: Most attempts to heal and rebuild after infidelity will fail without the assistance of a qualified therapist. Make certain you both feel comfortable with the therapist. You must trust them and have faith in their methodology. Talk about it: If of you are uncomfortable with your therapist at any time, don’t delay – find another. And if need be, yet another. Then stick with it. Save particularly volatile topics for counselling sessions. Your therapist will provide a neutral place and safe means to discuss these subjects constructively. Every so often, think back to where you were two or three months earlier. Compare that to where you are now and determine if you’re making progress. Progress will be made slowly, not daily or even weekly, so do not perform daily or weekly evaluations. Make the comparative periods long enough to allow a “moderate-term” review rather than “short-term.” Expect setbacks or even restarts, and again… stick with it.

APOLOGIZE: Actually, that should read: “Apologize, apologize, apologize.” You cannot apologize too often, but you can apologize improperly. Apologize genuinely and fully. Betrayed spouses develop a finely calibrated “insincerity radar.” A partial or disingenuous apology will feel meaningless, condescending or even insulting, particularly during the months following discovery. Your spouse will feel better if you don’t merely say, “I’m sorry.” To a betrayed spouse that sounds and feels empty. Try to continue and complete the apology by saying everything that’s now salient to your partner: “I’m ashamed I cheated on you and I’m so very sorry. I know that my lying and deceiving you has hurt you enormously. I deeply want to earn back your trust – and I want so much for you to be able, some day, to forgive me.” As noted earlier, right now genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit.

REALIZE YOUR PARTNER WANTS TO FEEL BETTER: There is so much they have to deal with – pain, anger, disappointment, confusion and despair. Their being, their world, is swirling in a black hole of negative feelings. It’s agonizing. They wish it would stop, but they feel powerless to make it go away, which worries them even more. Remember that they can’t help it: Just as they didn’t choose for this to happen, they don’t choose to feel this way. Beyond all the possible feelings described in the section above (and that list may be incomplete in your spouse’s case), even if they don’t understand them, they do recognize that changes are occurring in themselves – and they are frightened by them. As terrible as it is for you to see their ongoing nightmare, it is far worse to live in it. Periodically assure them that you know they will get better, that you are willing to do everything necessary for them to heal and to make your marriage work. Reassure them that you are with them for the duration – no matter how long it takes – and that you intend to spend the rest of your life with them.

HIDE NOTHING, OPEN EVERYTHING: While they’re greatly angered and hurt that you were emotionally and/or sexually involved with another person, they are even more devastated by your secret life, your lies and deception. They feel no trust in you right now – and they’re 100% justified. If ever there was someone in the world they felt they could trust, it was you – until now. Now, they have difficulty believing anything you say. They are driven to check up on everything. Let them. Better still, help them. Overload them with access. The era of “covering your tracks” must end and be supplanted by total and voluntary transparency.

You must dismantle and remove every vestige of secrecy. Offer your spouse the passwords to your email accounts – yes, even the secret one they still don’t know about. Let them bring in the mail. If you receive a letter, card or email from your paramour, let your spouse open it. If you receive a voice or text message on your cell phone, let them retrieve it and delete it. If your friends provided alibis for you, end those friendships. Do not change your phone bill to a less detailed version or delete your browser history. Provide your spouse with your credit card bills, bank account statements, cell phone bills and anything else you think they might wish to check. Immediately tell them if you hear from or accidentally run into your affair partner. Tell them where you are going, when you’ll be home, and be on time. If your plans change, notify them immediately.

The more willing you are to be transparent, the more honesty and openness they see and feel, the more “trust chits” you’ll earn. Replacing your previously secret life with complete openness is the fastest and most effective way to promote trust, even if it feels unfair or uncomfortable. Think of this as the “reverse image” of your affair: Your affair was about you selfishly making yourself feel good. Now, rebuilding trust is about selflessly making your partner feel safe with you – and you were certainly unfair to them. Keep in mind that eventually they will trust you again, but you must earn it and it will take time.

SPEND LOTS TIME WITH THEM: Assume that they want your company at all times. The more time you spend in their sight, the more they will feel a sense of safety, if only for that time. There may be times when you feel they’re a constant, perhaps even an annoying presence. Just remember that they need to be around you – more than ever. If they need time alone, they’ll let you know and you must respect that, too. Knowing where you are and who you are with reduces worry, but expect them to check up on you. Don’t take offence when this happens. Instead, welcome the opportunity: Think of each time – and each success – as receiving a check mark in the “Passed the Test” column. The more check marks you earn, the closer you are to being trusted again.

PHYSICAL CONTACT: They may or may not want to be sexual with you. If not, allow sufficient time for them to get comfortable with the idea of renewed intimacy and let them set the pace. But if so, don’t be discouraged if the sex is not optimum. They’re likely to be low on confidence and may feel self-conscious or inept. They may even act clumsily. This can be offset by lots of simple, soothing physical gestures such as hugging them, stroking them softly and providing kisses. You might try surprising them sexually. Try something new. Choose moments when they don’t expect it – it can feel fresh again. On the other hand, don’t be surprised if their sexual appetite and arousal is unusually heightened as some partners experience what’s called ‘Hysterical Bonding.’ Also be aware that during lovemaking they may suffer intrusive thoughts or mental images of you and your affair partner, so they may suddenly shut down or even burst into tears. Again, apologize for making them feel this way. Express that you choose them – and not your affair partner. Reassure them by emphasizing that they are the only one you truly want.

SHARE YOUR FEELINGS OF GUILT AND SHAME: If you exhibit no shame or guilt for hurting them, they’ll wonder if you’re truly capable of being sensitive, caring or even feeling. They may see you as callous and self-absorbed, and question if it’s really worth another try with you. But if you’re like most people who have badly hurt someone you truly love, then you certainly feel shame and guilt, though verbalizing it may be hard for you. Of course, some people do find it difficult to express these feelings, but try. You’ll find it provides a great sense of relief to share this with your partner. Moreover, do not fail to realize is how vitally important it is for your partner to hear it, to feel it, to see it in your eyes. It’s a building block in the reconstruction of trust and the repair of your marriage. Do not underestimate the power of satisfying their need to know that you are disappointed in yourself. Your opening up about this will help them feel secure again, help them to heal, and help you heal, too.

LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE HAPPY WITH YOUR CHOICE TO RECOMMIT: You probably think this is obvious, but to your betrayed partner, precious little is obvious anymore. They will wonder about this. Do not make them guess, and do not make them ask. Just tell them. If it doesn’t seem to come naturally at first, it may help if every now and then, you ask yourself, “If they had betrayed me this way, would I still be here?” (Most of us would answer, “No,” even if we can’t imagine being in that position.) When people give second chances to others, they really want to know that it’s meaningful to, and appreciated by, the recipient. So, express your thanks. Tell them how grateful you are for the opportunity to repair the damage you’ve done and rebuild your marriage. You’ll be surprised how much this simple, heartfelt act of gratitude will mean to them, and how it helps to re-establish the bond between you.

HERE’S A GREAT TIP: You will find it’s particularly meaningful to them when they’re obviously feeling low, but they’re locked in silence and aren’t expressing it to you. Just imagine… In their moments of unspoken loneliness or despair, you walk up to them, hug them and say, “I just want you to know how grateful I am that you’re giving me a second chance. Thank you so much. I love you more than ever for this. I’ve been feeling so ashamed of what I did and how much pain I caused you. I want you to know that I’ll never do anything to hurt you like this – ever again. I know I broke your heart and it torments me. I want you to know your heart is safe with me again.”

These are beautifully comforting words, particularly when they’re delivered at such a perfect
moment. You can memorize the quote, modify it, or use your own words, whatever is most
comfortable for you. The key is to include, in no particular order, all six of these components:

A statement of gratitude.

An expression of your love.

An acknowledgment of your spouse’s pain.

An admission that you caused their pain.

An expression of your sense of shame.

A promise that it will never happen again

Unfaithful spouses I’ve counselled often report that this most welcome surprise is the best thing they did to lift their partner’s spirits – as well as their own.

SECTION 3 - SO WHAT ARE THE NEXT STAGES, AFTER THEY WORK THROUGH ALL THEIR GRIEF, PAIN AND STRESS?

HOPE: They believe they will get better. They still have good days and bad days, but the good days out balance the bad. Sometimes they can work effectively, enjoy activities and really care
for others.

COMMITMENT: They know they have a choice. Life won’t be the same, but they decide to actively begin building a new life.

SEEKING: They take initiative, renewing their involvement with former friends and activities. They
begin exploring new involvements.

PEACE: They feel able to accept the affair and its repercussions, and face their own future.

LIFE OPENS UP: Life has value and meaning again. They can enjoy, appreciate, and anticipate events. They are willing to let the rest of their life be all it can be. They can more easily seek and find joy.

FORGIVENESS: While the memory will never leave them, the burden they’ve been carrying from your betrayal is lifted. Given what you have done, the pain it caused them and the anguish they lived through, this is the ultimate gift they can bestow. They give it not only to you, but to themselves. Be grateful for this gift – and cherish it always.*


----------



## Amarillofat

chapparal said:


> How long did this go on?


She says 6 months. Started with a kiss in the others hot tub


----------



## Amarillofat

chapparal said:


> Does she know you are here?


No


----------



## 3putt

Amarillofat said:


> OM told his wife, who was my wife's best friend


Did your WW tell you this or the OM's wife?


----------



## Amarillofat

3putt said:


> Did your WW tell you this or the OM's wife?


OM's wife


----------



## bfree

3putt said:


> Did your WW tell you this or the OM's wife?


Have your wife call her best friend and confess everything to her. Make sure the conversation is on speaker so you can hear. Then you will start to know if you are being lied to.


----------



## 3putt

Amarillofat said:


> OM's wife


Just making sure.


----------



## the guy

With out consequences bad behavior continue or is repeated in the future.

One sure consequence is having her face the shame of telling others and witnessing the pain that her actions have caused.

So yes when the kids ask why you no longer hang out with that couple then it is up to your WW to inform them why.

Another consequences is reliving the shame in telling you the details...sure this is entirely up to you, but in my case I wanted to know what I was forgiving my wife for. Ya its painfulful stuff but it something we both needed to face. Alot of information came out that we both adressed and it was a painful learning process in understanding what was going on in my wifes second life and how she got there.

The details can also give you the mind movies...but lets face it you and me already have those so may well get the ugly facts rather then letting your imagination run wild.

Again each guy is different...I'm a need to know kind if guy.


----------



## walkonmars

You discovered it right?
So if you hadn't it would still be going on to this very day. You have a bigger problem than you think.

BTW if the MC focuses on YOUR part, or YOUR past drop the MC immediately. There are some horrible MSs than can do more damage han good. 

Find a MC with experience w infidelity. Interview the MC. Do not be too hasty in picking one.


----------



## tom67

walkonmars said:


> You discovered it right?
> So if you hadn't it would still be going on to this very day. You have a bigger problem than you think.
> 
> BTW if the MC focuses on YOUR part, or YOUR past drop the MC immediately. There are some horrible MSs than can do more damage han good.
> 
> Find a MC with experience w infidelity. Interview the MC. Do not be too hasty in picking one.


The one way she will show true remorse is to willingly do anything to help you heal. She should not mind you exposing to friends and family. This is a serious betrayal and consequences are in order now jmo.


----------



## Amarillofat

the guy said:


> With out consequences bad behavior continue or is repeated in the future.
> 
> One sure consequence is having her face the shame of telling others and witnessing the pain that her actions have caused.
> 
> So yes when the kids ask why you no longer hang out with that couple then it is up to your WW to inform them why.
> 
> Another consequences is reliving the shame in telling you the details...sure this is entirely up to you, but in my case I wanted to know what I was forgiving my wife for. Ya its painfulful stuff but it something we both needed to face. Alot of information came out that we both adressed and it was a painful learning process in understanding what was going on in my wifes second life and how she got there.
> 
> The details can also give you the mind movies...but lets face it you and me already have those so may well get the ugly facts rather then letting your imagination run wild.
> 
> Again each guy is different...I'm a need to know kind if guy.


I think I want to know the details of where and what


----------



## tom67

I would suggest that she come clean with immediate family to show how dedicated she is in repairing this.


----------



## Chaparral

Amarillofat said:


> I think I want to know the details of where and what


There are details and there are details. Most here want to know everthing but then they can't get it out of their mind for more than a few minutes. I did not need details, I think it is because I never felt inferior to the OM in any way. I never had a problem with the mind movies which can be the worst part of this ordeal right after the betrayal of it all.

How did you find out about the affair?


----------



## walkonmars

Have her WRITE it ALLout. She won't be able to remember the lies she write IF she lies. 

Read the parts you want when you want. After some days ask her to tell you a few details you already know by reading her confession. You will know if she is being truthful.

You need to know who else knew about them. They are not your friends.


----------



## the guy

If you think then you do and thats a good start. In my case I took it slow...one question one day.
Asked her in the morning and told her I wanted an answer in the evening. It gave us both time to really think about it and especially for my old lady...she really needed to face these questions.

It was something that took us time but we adressed her second life and purged it and faced her adultorus life style head on.

For what its worth , I learned a few things like at least I know my FWW is a one at a time girl and not all at once, and I also learned that kissing/oral really turns her on, oh ya and never get a penis percing.....LOL

Any way my point is rug sweeping is bad (did it her 1st time 16 years ago) but facing this head on and learning is painful but it works. She has to face who she is and what she became and learn to affair proof the marriage.

Your wife made a choice and continued to make it for 6 month (x2 they always minimize) so she has to figure out how to prevent it again my facing it.


----------



## Amarillofat

chapparal said:


> There are details and there are details. Most here want to know everthing but then they can't get it out of their mind for more than a few minutes. I did not need details, I think it is because I never felt inferior to the OM in any way. I never had a problem with the mind movies which can be the worst part of this ordeal right after the betrayal of it all.
> 
> How did you find out about the affair?


Called OM at work to ask where an item at his house was that I needed to stop by and pick up. About 2PM, wife texted me asking where I am. Told her headed home, but I stopped at friends house to pick up item and OM's vehicle and my wife's car were in driveway. No big deal, she stopped by often. Went up to door and looked through window and friend is fastening his pants saying, "We got caught" and wife is nude from waist down, walking to bathroom.


----------



## the guy

tom67 said:


> I would suggest that she come clean with immediate family to show how dedicated she is in repairing this.


This is so true, it truely is a sign that she is owning her sh1t and being accountable....a very good start in preventive maintenence for any cheating spouse.


----------



## 3putt

Amarillofat said:


> Called OM at work to ask where an item at his house was that I needed to stop by and pick up. About 2PM, wife texted me asking where I am. Told her headed home, but I stopped at friends house to pick up item and OM's vehicle and my wife's car were in driveway. No big deal, she stopped by often. Went up to door and looked through window and friend is fastening his pants saying, "We got caught" and wife is nude from waist down, walking to bathroom.


So you caught them in the act and now _all of a sudden_ she decides she hates him?

That's some kind of hatin'!


----------



## tom67

Amarillofat said:


> Called OM at work to ask where an item at his house was that I needed to stop by and pick up. About 2PM, wife texted me asking where I am. Told her headed home, but I stopped at friends house to pick up item and OM's vehicle and my wife's car were in driveway. No big deal, she stopped by often. Went up to door and looked through window and friend is fastening his pants saying, "We got caught" and wife is nude from waist down, walking to bathroom.


Wow sorry that's a no doubter. Have her write a timeline because you may take her for a polygraph test. Tell everyone how you caught the both of them get this out in the daylight now.


----------



## 3putt

You should also schedule a polygraph test to verify her details. Something's really weird here.....aside from the obvious, of course.

And definitely tell your children.


----------



## the guy

Amarillofat said:


> Called OM at work to ask where an item at his house was that I needed to stop by and pick up. About 2PM, wife texted me asking where I am. Told her headed home, but I stopped at friends house to pick up item and OM's vehicle and my wife's car were in driveway. No big deal, she stopped by often. Went up to door and looked through window and friend is fastening his pants saying, "We got caught" and wife is nude from waist down, walking to bathroom.


For what its worth so many here struggle with not know if the A went PA..in your case you at least know for a fact...so now address it and find out what the hell your WW wanted out of this bad choice.

I mean there is so much to all this crap, in my case it wasn't just one specific OM but a life style of many different men through out the years.

She has to do the heavy lifting here to stop making unhealthy choices that ruin her life.


----------



## raging_pain

Amarillofat said:


> Went up to door and looked through window and friend is fastening his pants saying, "We got caught" and wife is nude from waist down, walking to bathroom.


holy ****. way to not go ballistic. you have more self control than i, sir. 

holy ****.


----------



## the guy

My point here is she has the capcity and this aint the fist time, its time for her to come clean and get this monkey off her back


----------



## walkonmars

Amarillofat said:


> Called OM at work to ask where an item at his house was that I needed to stop by and pick up. About 2PM, wife texted me asking where I am. Told her headed home, but I stopped at friends house to pick up item and OM's vehicle and my wife's car were in driveway. No big deal, she stopped by often. Went up to door and looked through window and friend is fastening his pants saying, "We got caught" and wife is nude from waist down, walking to bathroom.


Boy oh boy oh boy.
And NOW she "hates" him? Suuure

She hates that she got caught. That is what she hates. 

It was very cold of het to be checking on your whereabouts while she got her rocks off. And think about what you said:
It wasn't unusual for her to be there. 

Now you know why.


----------



## the guy

Your wife wants to make amends, I pretty sure she doesn't have a clue in what that means.....
lack of privacy, a huge degree of submission, therapy, spankings, and exposure.......

You need these thing brother, you need to see that she faces these consequences cuz if she walks around like all is good you will die inside. its phucked up but you have to see her suffer to see she has made you suffer...make sence?

Its sad but so many guys get eaten alive will there chicks try to rug sweep this crap, but when their chicks do the heavy lifting and face there humiliation then the M seem to work out versus the WW who try to bury this crap and cuckold there husbands.


----------



## TDSC60

Have you decided to continue the marriage or not?

With that level of betrayal it would be hard for me to stay married to this woman.


----------



## Amarillofat

TDSC60 said:


> Have you decided to continue the marriage or not?
> 
> With that level of betrayal it would be hard for me to stay married to this woman.


Married 31 years. My current stance is to stay together for now but see how this unfolds over time


----------



## Chaparral

3putt said:


> You should also schedule a polygraph test to verify her details. Something's really weird here.....aside from the obvious, of course.
> 
> And definitely tell your children.


For one thing you don't need to be carrying this on your shoulders all alone. Have you discussed telling the children with her?

How long ago did this happen?

BTW, 99.9% of the time here, when all the info comes out, it isw way worse than the cheater will admit to at first. So be prepared. Looking back on it, do you see things were going on and you did not pick up on it?

Don't hsitate to talk to your MD about this, it can really help. A good counselor with ifidelity and PTSD ecperience can be your best bet at this point. You have to be careful picking counselors. Do not get a female MC for example, she will want to say the affair was because of your faults in the marriage. 

So, so sorry you had to see that.

Prayers for you.


----------



## tom67

I hope you told your "friend" to kick rocks. I think you should kick her out for some time tell her you have to think about things. Forget about mc right now. Ask her if the tables were turned what she would do?


----------



## Chaparral

raging_pain said:


> holy ****. way to not go ballistic. you have more self control than i, sir.
> 
> holy ****.


He did't exactly say he didn't go crazy.


----------



## Amarillofat

December 28th. OM's wife birthday


----------



## tom67

I hope she kicked him out of the house.


----------



## Amarillofat

She did the second night


----------



## Chaparral

the guy said:


> Your wife wants to make amends, I pretty sure she doesn't have a clue in what that means.....
> lack of privacy, a huge degree of submission, therapy, spankings, and exposure.......
> 
> You need these thing brother, you need to see that she faces these consequences cuz if she walks around like all is good you will die inside. its phucked up but you have to see her suffer to see she has made you suffer...make sence?
> 
> Its sad but so many guys get eaten alive will there chicks try to rug sweep this crap, but when their chicks do the heavy lifting and face there humiliation then the M seem to work out versus the WW who try to bury this crap and cuckold there husbands.


Spanking? So that could be fun.


----------



## Chaparral

Amarillofat said:


> December 28th. OM's wife birthday


You mean two days ago?


----------



## Amarillofat

Yep


----------



## 3putt

Amarillofat said:


> December 28th. OM's wife birthday


Banging his wife's best friend (and his best friend's wife) in her own house on her birthday????

Just WOW!


----------



## tom67

Good for her she kicked him out now you may have to show some tough love and do the same thing just sayin you have to show how serious this is.


----------



## Chaparral

Amarillofat said:


> Yep


How is your wife acting? Freaked out? crying , under control?


----------



## Amarillofat

Hard to understand


----------



## Amarillofat

Can't eat, can't quit crying, needs hugged constantly, asks if I am going to give her a chance


----------



## Chaparral

tom67 said:


> Good for her she kicked him out now you may have to show some tough love and do the same thing just sayin you have to show how serious this is.


This is a last resort at this point. You don't want to throw the two of them together.


----------



## Chaparral

So what has she said?


----------



## tom67

If you have not already, expose to everyone today I,m sure omw will but you should also sorry man.


----------



## Amarillofat

chapparal said:


> So what has she said?


Very sorry and regretful. Knew it was wrong. Wants to and willing to make amends


----------



## jim123

for best results throw her out. She did not do this because she loves you or is happy in the marriage. Tell everyone. Peer pressure and shame is great. Do not rug sweep or forgive too soon. Do not let her be the victim. 

You should also see and attorney and let her know. Be strong and take control. Weakness never works.


----------



## tom67

Talk to the omw and compare notes. She has to get an STD test also.


----------



## TDSC60

jim123 said:


> for best results throw her out. She did not do this because she loves you or is happy in the marriage. Tell everyone. Peer pressure and shame is great. Do not rug sweep or forgive too soon. Do not let her be the victim.
> 
> You should also see and attorney and let her know. Be strong and take control. Weakness never works.


Stop hugging and comforting her. She needs to feels the consequences of what she has done.

Distance yourself from her. 

Tell her you do not want to make a hasty decision and that divorce is very much on the table.


----------



## bfree

Amarillofat said:


> Very sorry and regretful. Knew it was wrong. Wants to and willing to make amends


Then she should be willing to do whatever it takes to repair the damage. This would include her admitting the affair to the OW, friends and family. Giving you all the details in writing. Taking a polygraph to prove her truthfulness. Signing a postnup. There are many things you can do to reassure yourself and insure her fidelity going forward (at least as much as is possible). Do not rugsweep this no matter how much she cries or seems remoseful. Actions are what matter. Not words or tears.


----------



## walkonmars

Amarillo, 

You posts reek of someone who has taken a hard punch to the head. They call it punch-drunk. I hope you are taking care of yourself. 

This whole thing is way way to much for you at the moment. 

I wouldn't put a whole lot of weight to your wife's tears. If you hadn't dropped by your "friends" home a few days ago she would be smiling like a Cheshire cat. So, her bawling today really isn't about remorse at all. It's about HER. 

-- being found out to be a cheater
-- in danger of being disgraced to her family and community
-- losing her main source of income
-- losing her faithful but clueless husband

Those are the things she's crying about. 

To do it with your friend? With the husband of HER friend? 
If she's not insane, then she is one cold-hearted, disloyal, betrayer. 

She didn't do it once. She didn't do it twice. She did it (if you believe her) for six months. Keeping a secrets, buying him gifts, enjoying a double life. It must have been exciting. 

That's what YOU get for 31 years of loyal, faithful, service to this woman. That's just too disgusting.

It will take a while for you to get your brain to settle from the tremor of shock. In the meantime do not make any promises to her. She's pressing you for one now. She wants you to say you're not leaving. 

Do what I suggested before - have her write out in detail what she did. Talk to the kids. Don't give them details unless they ask. Just say that you found mom with their well know friend "xxx" and you're both going to need time to think things over. 

Before you go to MC YOU go to an individual counselor. She can go to one too.


----------



## Chaparral

tom67 said:


> If you have not already, expose to everyone today I,m sure omw will but you should also sorry man.


Exposure is the tool for breaking up an affair, not sure what good it would do now, maybe make things worse IMHO. I would eventually tell the kids. Not necessarily this quickly. We have actually seen more waywards harm themselves than the betrayed spouses here though I don't know how you can tell if the BSs have hurt themseves. I believe several have.


----------



## walkonmars

The kids are adults and part of this family. They should know something is up. Dad needs some support - and really so does mom. They don't have to provide it but they, as adults, should be made aware that things are not smooth and may not be for some time. 

If the kids were teens or younger it would be a different story.


----------



## Chaparral

You need to check the cell phone/text records online and see what kind of activity you see there. Especially for the last couple of days. Go back as far as possible.


----------



## 3putt

walkonmars said:


> The kids are adults and part of this family. They should know something is up. Dad needs some support - and really so does mom. They don't have to provide it but they, as adults, should be made aware that things are not smooth and may not be for some time.
> 
> If the kids were teens or younger it would be a different story.


I may be wrong but I think chap was talking about a full, nuclear exposure as opposed to just family members that can support him and deserve to know.


----------



## Amarillofat

Thanks to all you have been extremely helpful!


----------



## Malaise

Amarillofat said:


> Can't eat, can't quit crying, needs hugged constantly, asks if I am going to give her a chance


She'e only concerned about losing her meal ticket, not remorse for hurting her spouse of 31 years.

Obviously if she was concerned about YOU, she wouldn't have cheated.

If she didn't get caught it would still be going on.


----------



## warlock07

Amarillofat said:


> Already agreed to see counselor/therapist and said she hates OM and doesn't want to see him again


BullShi!t. remember, she is cheating with him !! How long were they cheating ? How did you find them out ? Expect her to minimize the length and extent of the affair. She was cheating. How easy is it to lie to you ?

And yes, tell her parents and your adult kids in appropriate words.


----------



## walkonmars

chapparal said:


> You need to check the cell phone/text records online and see what kind of activity you see there. Especially for the last couple of days. Go back as far as possible.


Yes sir, Amarillo 
At the moment and for a while she's going to be spinning things like never before so check those records. 

And don't feel like you're being an 'ass' doing that. You have every right to dig into her activities and dig deep. It's like treating a cancer. You can't just take a few aspirins for it. 

You didn't create this mess but you are going to have to do some dirty work (discovering the depth of betrayal, the details, her truthfulness etc) in evaluating whether this marriage can go on. 

And do not just 'automatically' say "we'll get through this hon" even if you really believe it. You know why?

Because that will give her the message that she can just tell you any ol lie and you'll accept it. 

You need to let her know that you are not afraid to live a different life (and you shouldn't be afraid)


----------



## 3putt

Malaise said:


> If she didn't get caught it would still be going on.


Yepper.


----------



## Chaparral

One reason you need to check things out. In a thread by bff, he found that his wife was having an affair with his best friend. They had been married almost 10 yrs, the affair had been going on SEVEN years.

In lostcpa's thread, he found that when he took his sleeping pill, his wife and neighbor were racing down to their basement during their reconcilliation.


----------



## warlock07

Amarillofat said:


> Called OM at work to ask where an item at his house was that I needed to stop by and pick up. About 2PM, wife texted me asking where I am. Told her headed home, but I stopped at friends house to pick up item and OM's vehicle and my wife's car were in driveway. No big deal, she stopped by often. Went up to door and looked through window and friend is fastening his pants saying, "We got caught" and wife is nude from waist down, walking to bathroom.


Brutal!!

Why isn't divorce an option ?? She wouldn't have stopped it if it wasn't you catching her. 

maybe she hates the OM because the situation she is in, probably nothing to do with hurting you.

maybe she is reconciling to keep up appearances and not lose her standing in front of family and kids. If she risks it again, she will be very careful.

It wasn't a one time stuff. It went on for 6 months or even for years.(cheaters lie) How did you verify it ?

let the family know. Especially the kids


----------



## walkonmars

warlock07 said:


> Brutal!!
> 
> Why isn't divorce an option ??


It just happened a few days ago. He's in shock and she's tugging at the heartstrings. Amarillo needs to gather his thoughts now or he'll be in desperate pain for a long time to come.


----------



## the guy

Amarillofat said:


> Can't eat, can't quit crying, needs hugged constantly, asks if I am going to give her a chance


Again another consequence for bad behavior....do not tell her you will give her a second chance. Tell her you will not commit to either D or R and there will be no statue of limitations to this.

She has to understand that being able to stay with you id not a given and that what she did will take alot of time to heal...a perception that tells her that at any time you could throw her to the curb.

if she for one seconf thinks you will keep her no matter what your asking for future pain, more emotional torture down the road. 

Your old lady needs to see a very confident man that will not tolorate this crap and a perception of doing her the favor for letting her stay, there has to be a appretiation of sort from your WW in that you are keeping her around.

If this power shifts in her favor and she thinks you will put up with her crap she will do it again or continue...especially now that OM is no longer home with his wife......

Get a VAR (Voice Attivated Recorder) and plant it in her car under her car seat with some velcrow tape, this will verify if those tears are real or not and if she truely hates the OM.


By the way why so much hate for this man, was OM blackmailing her to continue the affair?


----------



## Chaparral

Definitely need the VAR. Many people have found their crying spouse was lying through their teeth by recording convos with their friends.


----------



## bfree

the guy said:


> Again another consequence for bad behavior....do not tell her you will give her a second chance. Tell her you will not commit to either D or R and there will be no statue of limitations to this.
> 
> She has to understand that being able to stay with you id not a given and that what she did will take alot of time to heal...a perception that tells her that at any time you could throw her to the curb.
> 
> if she for one seconf thinks you will keep her no matter what your asking for future pain, more emotional torture down the road.
> 
> Your old lady needs to see a very confident man that will not tolorate this crap and a perception of doing her the favor for letting her stay, there has to be a appretiation of sort from your WW in that you are keeping her around.
> 
> If this power shifts in her favor and she thinks you will put up with her crap she will do it again or continue...especially now that OM is no longer home with his wife......
> 
> Get a VAR (Voice Attivated Recorder) and plant it in her car under her car seat with some velcrow tape, this will verify if those tears are real or not and if she truely hates the OM.
> 
> 
> By the way why so much hate for this man, was OM blackmailing her to continue the affair?


Yup, the OP needs to make sure his wife is not another Alleybabe.


----------



## the guy

Amarillofat said:


> Thanks to all you have been extremely helpful!


Welcome to the club no one wants to join.


----------



## tom67

Amarillo just take your time people here are talking from experience tell her you are not ready to make a decision yet and to leave the house for awhile.


----------



## the guy

tom67 said:


> Amarillo just take your time people here are talking from experience tell her you are not ready to make a decision yet and to leave the house for awhile.


Don't move out, just take the time to get away from that crying and begging crap and get you sh1t together. You need to be stronger then ever and clear your head.

So you can come back and have a clear and distinct plan on what you need from your wife and what she needs to do to affair proof the marriage and stay with you.


----------



## tom67

Sorry I meant for HER to leave.


----------



## Chaparral

tom67 said:


> Sorry I meant for HER to leave.


Why? I do not see an upside to this?


----------



## Numbersixxx

Amarillofat said:


> She did the second night


Why can't you?


----------



## Amarillofat

Found out they had sex 2 times, first at our house in a spare bedroom, and the 2 nd time when I caught them at the OM house.

Other than that, making out and a couple of hand jobs in OM hot tub

Asked if she has had any contact with OM since i found out and she said no. Then a couple minutes later, said she talked to him last nite. Asked if she just remembered or if she decided to tell me. Said she decided to tell me


----------



## Amarillofat

Told her to buy new bed clothes for the bed they used and throw the "used" ones away


----------



## husbandfool

Good bye !


----------



## 3putt

Amarillofat said:


> Asked if she has had any contact with OM since i found out and she said no. Then a couple minutes later, said she talked to him last nite. Asked if she just remembered or if she decided to tell me. Said she decided to tell me


If she "hates" him so much then why did she contact him or accept his call....and then hide it from you until she decided to tell you, but only when you asked her directly?


----------



## walkonmars

Two times? 
You believe it? It could be true. Try a test. 

Ask her to take a polygraph test. If she agrees immediately with no "umm... ehhh, are you sure? they're not reliable hun" she MIGHT be truthful otherwise...you know she's not being truthful. 

They may have 'talked' to agree to "two times only" it's common among cheaters. 

If she agrees to the poly - don't say anything else. Arrange for it. Drive her to the station for the test. Pause in the parking lot. Tell her "last chance to tell me all of it" 

My bet? she'll either refuse to take the test or she will break down in the parking lot and confess. 

Because it's very rare for a 6 months affair (and I doubt it was only 6) to only have sex twice. 

You know what kind of nerve it takes to have sex in the OM's house? where anyone can waltz in? No, the first four or five times are very very secretive. Hidden in hotel rooms, other towns, secluded parks. NOT in the OM's house where the wife lives. 

Even if the OMwife was out of town, the chances of leaving something behind is too scary for first or second timers. It was many many more times than that. 

It's not really important how many times (one is too many) the issue is she thinks you're a fool. To be played with to lie to. That's the most disrespectful. 

Ask for the poly.


----------



## ShootMePlz!

Make her sit down your kids and tell them!! Also brace yourself for trickle truth....2 times becomes 10 times etc 6 months becomes 2 years. Waywards never tell you the truth the first time!


----------



## Will_Kane

Amarillofat said:


> *Found out they had sex 2 times*, first at our house in a spare bedroom, and the 2 nd time when I caught them at the OM house.
> 
> Other than that, making out and a couple of hand jobs in OM hot tub
> 
> Asked if she has had any contact with OM since i found out and she said no. Then a couple minutes later, said she talked to him last nite. Asked if she just remembered or if she decided to tell me. Said she decided to tell me


This is a lie. NO WAY they started this thing back in June and in all that time only had sex 2-4 times.

Check the phone records for how often she talked to/texted other man.

Tell her you want her to take a polygraph. Ask her to make arrangements for it ASAP. Write down a list of 20 questions you want answered, tell her to write them out for you. Then tell her you will choose which questions you will check on with polygraph.

Cheaters are liars. Assume everything your wife is telling you is a lie UNLESS you can verify it independently or she backs it up with actions. Believe only ACTIONS, not WORDS.

Explain that she must cease all contact with him. If he tries to contact her, she lets you know immediately. She should block him on Facebook. She should not delete any messages from anyone, or browser history, if she needs something deleted, you can do it. Have her handwrite a no contact letter to him and give it to you for mailing. The letter should include that if he tries to contact her again, she will file harassment charges against him.

Have her write out a timeline of the affair. When it started, how often they talked, what was said, was I love you exchanged, how often they hooked up, when, what they did.

What did they talk about last night?


----------



## walkonmars

Amarillo 
I know you are in emotional turmoil and pain. It's a terrible feeling. You are also being overcome by your wife's sudden "repentance" her "disgust" at the other man. etc. (where where these feelings last week?)

You want it all to "go away" 
Don't do that. 

I'm pretty sure you haven't lived as long as you have and been the success that you've been by "looking the other way" or "pretending troubles don't exist". Am I right? 

Well this is one of the toughest if not the toughest. It will set your mood for the rest of your married life. Don't start it off with a massive rug sweep. 

Address it with a clear head. Listen to what your wife says but you now know she's very capable of withholding the truth and harboring secrets. 

Read all the posts again. Will Kane has it well outlined. Do that as a start. 

Watch your wife's language carefully when you tell her you want her to take a poly. 

(don't discuss it with her. Don't say "Babe, what do you think about taking a poly?" Nothing like that at all. Just say you will be more at ease if you verify her confession with a poly. 

I'll be surprised if she doesn't argue against it. Gently or firmly if she objects its a* clear sign that there more. Way more.*


----------



## Will_Kane

ShootMePlz! said:


> Make her sit down your kids and tell them!! Also brace yourself for trickle truth....2 times becomes 10 times etc 6 months becomes 2 years. Waywards never tell you the truth the first time!


Take a look at these threads on this forum. You will see that it's practically a law of nature that cheaters lie and minimize during their initial confession, even when they themselves decided to confess out of guilt, not because they were caught. It's called trickle truth because every time you push for new details, the story changes, and it gets worse and worse.

How coincidental - they only had sex twice, and you caught them on the second time. I give her credit for saying it was twice; a lot of cheaters would try to get off with saying it only happened once and you caught them before anything could happen. At least she cares enough about you to put a tiny bit of thought into her lie.

The most common lies: That it's over (many continue to try to have contact and see each other); when it started (she says six months, probably is at least a few months longer - did she say six months or ABOUT six months?); how often they did it (only kissed once is very common, usually means they had full-on sex 10 times - this won't work for you because you literally caught her with her pants down); and what they did (only kissed is common, usually means she was doing things with him that she NEVER did with you).

In six months, they've had to have met up at least 12 times. AT LEAST. If it was only six months.

Your wife says she hates other man? She sure had a strange way of showing it. So there she was, screwing away, liked him perfectly fine, then you caught her, and all of sudden she hates him? When the kid got caught with his hand in the cookie jar, it didn't make him automatically start to hate cookies.

A lot doesn't add up with what your wife has told you so far. If a story doesn't make sense, it's probably a lie.


----------



## 3putt

Will_Kane said:


> A lot doesn't add up with what your wife has told you so far. If a story doesn't make sense, it's probably a lie.


None of it made any sense from the beginning, which has been pointed out by many. This is all nothing more than a stupid and pathetic attempt at damage control.

Amarillofat, don't fall for it. There's a helluva lot more here. Brace yourself.


----------



## happyman64

Amarillo

You probably do not have all the facts.

And you are definitely in shock. How the heck could you not be in shock after seeing them screwing around.

I know I would be.

Do not make any drastci decisions right now. Since your wife told you the truth about her last contact with sh!thead I would continue to pump her for info. 

Keep demanding the truth.

I would get a VAR and put it in her car to verify any contact and what she is actually doing/saying about the Affair.

If you can work with the OMW that would probably help you as well.

Truly a shame what she did after 31 years. What a shame.....

She needs counseling to figure out why she did this.

Good Luck and Keep Posting.

HM64


----------



## committedwife

Will_Kane said:


> This is a lie. NO WAY they started this thing back in June and in all that time only had sex 2-4 times.
> 
> Check the phone records for how often she talked to/texted other man.
> 
> Tell her you want her to take a polygraph. Ask her to make arrangements for it ASAP. Write down a list of 20 questions you want answered, tell her to write them out for you. Then tell her you will choose which questions you will check on with polygraph.
> 
> Cheaters are liars. Assume everything your wife is telling you is a lie UNLESS you can verify it independently or she backs it up with actions. Believe only ACTIONS, not WORDS.
> 
> Explain that she must cease all contact with him. If he tries to contact her, she lets you know immediately. She should block him on Facebook. She should not delete any messages from anyone, or browser history, if she needs something deleted, you can do it. Have her handwrite a no contact letter to him and give it to you for mailing. The letter should include that if he tries to contact her again, she will file harassment charges against him.
> 
> Have her write out a timeline of the affair. When it started, how often they talked, what was said, was I love you exchanged, how often they hooked up, when, what they did.
> 
> What did they talk about last night?


Yep. All this. 

They were more than likely at it like bunny rabbits. Sorry.  The polygraph will clean up the broad details. 

Insist upon one.


----------



## Acabado

They talked yesterday to conoct the 2 times version. That's all, Pure damage control.

If you want to give it a try tell her you are going to divorce her, she can stop the divorce for now by acepting to the following rules: 
NC letter, aproved by you.
Transparence in comunication devices and whereabouts, forever.
Full disclosure, starting with timeline of events (when, who, where, what... just facts, for now). The timeline will be backed up with a polygraph.
STD tests
She seek help to fix this mess, books, online resources, IC, MC, whatever.

Tell her once she comply with this you will evaluate the situation.

On her back, you talk to a lawyer anyway and you implement every snooping tolld at hand (spyware for the phone, keylogger for PC, VAR in the car...)


----------



## Machiavelli

Amarillofat said:


> Found out they had sex 2 times, first at our house in a spare bedroom, and the 2 nd time when I caught them at the OM house.


None of that is true. And she says the affair lasted six months? Well, if you've known this couple for 20 years, I sure hope all your kids were born before you met them.

Also, it's pretty likely they did the deed in your bed and his bed. I don't know why they feel they must do this, but they always do. Then they lie about it and say it was in the guest room. 

It's a universal script.




Amarillofat said:


> Other than that, making out and a couple of hand jobs in OM hot tub


Women minimize everything about sex. Social scientists have proven that even single women will minimize their partner count and experience invariably. This is especially true for women in affairs.




Amarillofat said:


> Asked if she has had any contact with OM since i found out and she said no. Then a couple minutes later, said she talked to him last nite. Asked if she just remembered or if she decided to tell me. Said she decided to tell me


I know you're psyched out of your skull right now, but how were they in contact? You need to check her cell records going back as far as you can.

I also agree that the poly is required.

You can get help here on the questions to ask.


----------



## Machiavelli

Get her phone, too. Check for photos and videos as well as texts and calls. Do it right away, although you're probably too late.


----------



## Machiavelli

Since you haven't noticed any changes in her behavior and only know because you walked in on them at his house, it means your wife has grown comfortable with her actions. The fact that they weren't taking even minimal security measures against detection means that they have grown sloppy over the years as you haven't picked up on anything. No question this is an LTPA.

Us decent folks will never understand the buzz they get from copping feels and worse while the spouses are in the can or in the kitchen or have their backs turned. They think it's delicious. There's lots more these two think is delicious, but I will restrain myself.


----------



## Shaggy

Two times? Right!

So you just happened to catch the second time? Sorry, way to unlikely.

Oh, then she just happens to be sorry. Tell me did she look sorry walking naked to the bathroom?

Oh, and she is still talking to him. Does that sound like someone who is sorry.

Do not confuse her crying because she got caught, with her crying tears of remorse.

She does not have remorse for cheating. She is upset that they fit caught and she is sad that the OM got kicked out. I'm betting she is also planning on meeting up with him in the next few days to take care of any needs he has.

Get a polygraph for her ASAP, also get into her cell phone records and texting and see what they've been saying.

You'll want a var in her car.

Also...

1. Throw out the bed, get a new one.
2. Throw out all gifts he gave her
3. Throw out all the sexy stuff she bought and wore for him.
4. See a lawyer
5. Go talk to the OMW and compare notes.


----------



## walkonmars

Amarillo
Read this one post from LostCPA. The post is over a year old. He had a D-day with his wife and at the time of the post they were in reconciliation (or so he thought) for six months. Then he accidentally found a burner phone hidden behind some boxes. 

She had been banging the neighbor and more for far longer than he imagined and was continuing to do it literally right under his nose - in his own home - while he was sleeping. 

They are divorced now. They have grown kids. Read the thread if you have time. But do all the things to protect yourself and give your marriage a real chance - not one like this poor guy did. 



LostCPA said:


> Obviously, she wasn't as transparent as I thought. She did give me all of her passwords, but only to the accounts I knew about. There was no NC letter and I didn't install a keylogger until I found her prepaid cellphone which I knew nothing about.
> 
> We did put our house on the market and try to move away from OM who was our neighbor, but it is a slow market
> 
> I failed miserably at reconciliation because I heard what I wanted to hear and I wanted to believe that she was as remorseful as she sounded.
> 
> Therefore, my warning to verify, verify, and verify and believe nothing that comes from your WS mouth.


----------



## warlock07

Amarillofat said:


> Found out they had sex 2 times, first at our house in a spare bedroom, and the 2 nd time when I caught them at the OM house.
> 
> Other than that, making out and a couple of hand jobs in OM hot tub
> 
> Asked if she has had any contact with OM since i found out and she said no. Then a couple minutes later, said she talked to him last nite. Asked if she just remembered or if she decided to tell me. Said she decided to tell me


They matched up stories and will probably take it underground. She confessed because you have access to the phone records.

Being naive will be your biggest mistake


----------



## theroad

Amarillofat said:


> OM told his wife, who was my wife's best friend





Amarillofat said:


> Only problem is we did everything all of the time with this couple so our circle of friends and adult children are going to say"Why aren't you hanging out with T&S anymore?"


OM are liars. How do you know that he told his BW the whole truth?

The OMW, WW parents and siblings, your kids, and your circle of friends should be exposed.

The need to know why you, your WW, and family must have NC with the OM and his family. That if they want to invite you the OM can not be there.


----------



## CH

Amarillofat said:


> Already agreed to see counselor/therapist and said she hates OM and doesn't want to see him again


Why? Because he wouldn't leave his wife for her? That's usually why alot of BS hate the OM/OW, they throw them under the bus when they thought they were going to be their saviors.


----------



## Kallan Pavithran

CH said:


> *Why? Because he wouldn't leave his wife for her? * That's usually why alot of BS hate the OM/OW, they throw them under the bus when they thought they were going to be their saviors.


Only reasonable reason for her hating him other wise how can she hate a person you went to have sex at his home two days ago hate him?

They took it underground, they are straightening their stories. so this two time, i dont know why they are thinking OP is a fool to believe this two time story.

Surely this was an LTA and they were ***ing like rabbits right under the back of OP.

OP at least realize one thing the women you have now is not the person whom you married, this is a new person who you thought you know very well but not know a bit. this person is a liar, cheat, merciless, cruel, manipulative and disrespectful, Dont confuse this person for your old wife.

Dont jump into reconciliation and forgiving by her lies and manipulation. first know well what she is capable off and arrange your ducks in a row.

Tell your children and parents before she rewrite the marital history.


----------



## Kallan Pavithran

But why your wife in his hot tub?


----------



## Shaggy

Kallan Pavithran said:


> But why your wife in his hot tub?


and in there alone.


----------



## Kallan Pavithran

What is her say about telling the children and family?
I think she never want. Which cheater ever want to face the consequences every one want to rug sweep it and want their spouse to get over it asap, as soon as possible.


----------



## kenmoore14217

I believe the sad reality is hitting Afat as we speak! The treal truth is: SHE GOT CAUGHT

If people recant only after GETTING CAUGHT it is totally meaningless. Your kids need to know what a skank your wife is. This marriage is OVER!!


----------



## Amarillofat

Well, 4 days later, wife cheated with OM about 10 years ago and initially, 3 sexual encounters has turned into 12 to 15 over the years.

Welcome to the Idiot Spouses Club!

Says nothing between then and now, but I doubt it seriously.


----------



## Amarillofat

Had her throw away the comforter and bed sheets on the bed they used in spare bedroom. Had her throw away blanket they used in office of our new house.

Talked in person with OMW and she is naturally devastated. Told her to have her "husband" buy her a new couch where I caught them screwing. THink they are headed for divorce court. SHe is not a "let's try to make it work" kind of gal.

Going to give it a few more days while I keep telling her "I want to know everything." Don't hold back because if I find out later that something else went on, it won't set well.


----------



## happyman64

Good for you Amarillo.

Get it all outon the table. Leave no stone unturned.

Be calm.

And do not be in a rush to make any long term decisions.

Now you will see who she really is over all these years.

And she needs to see who she is as well!!


----------



## tom67

You are not an idiot. My ex did me a favor by leaving after confrontation almost 3 years ago. Tell her the marriage is on hold until you decide what you want to do moving forward.


----------



## Chaparral

Make a list of questions you want answered. Make her write out the answers. Then tell her these are the questions she will have to answer at a polygraph examination. Then tell her to go over the queations again.

Find out from your local PD who they use for poly tests.

Also google polygraph tests for your area.

She has been in a very long term affair. You have only seen the tip of the iceberg.

Told the kids yet? Do not let her tell them first. She will make you out to be a monster.


----------



## ShootMePlz!

Over how many years???


----------



## walkonmars

Amarillo, so sorry. I know you didn't want to believe it. But I think it was very obvious to the men and women of this board. 

Did you get her to write her "version" of events in ink in a spiral notebook or document it in an other way?

This is not to humiliate her (it will but it's not the purpose)
Read the posts in your thread again. Especially read the post I added from LostCPA - read his thread too. 

I am afraid there is more to be revealed. 

That is the purpose of the documented timeline. You can question her on a detail she has written and if it is true and factual she will remember it. If she doesn't you know there's much more. 

Sorry Amarillo


----------



## TDSC60

Amarillofat said:


> Well, 4 days later, wife cheated with OM about 10 years ago and initially, 3 sexual encounters has turned into 12 to 15 over the years.
> 
> Welcome to the Idiot Spouses Club!
> 
> Says nothing between then and now, but I doubt it seriously.


She has been cheating for the last 10 years of your marriage.

So according to her they hooked up maybe once a year for sex? No way that is the truth. They were together every chance they got.

She has been unfaithful for 33% of your married life with this guy. How many others that you do not know about?


----------



## tom67

TDSC60 said:


> She has been cheating for the last 10 years of your marriage.
> 
> So according to her they hooked up maybe once a year for sex? No way that is the truth. They were together every chance they got.
> 
> She has been unfaithful for 33% of your married life with this guy. How many others that you do not know about?


The above may be closer to the truth-sigh-


----------



## tom67

It only matters now for the kids medical futures but you may suggest to them getting DNA tests, sorry.


----------



## theroad

Get all of your kids DNA paternity tested.

Tell WW after she claims to have told you all that you are going to schedule a polygraph test then do it. Once the appointment is set then tell WW the date. As the date approaches don't be surprised when WW remembers more. Standard WW action.

Call police dept to get recommendations for testing expert.


----------



## Acabado

I'd think very hard why do you want to stay married to this woman. She's not who you think she is. A third of your marriage has been a huge joke. She has been f0cking your best friend on and off for the latest 10 years, right under your nose.
And of course you only got the tip of the iceberg. Imagine the glances every time you were together, the sneaking around to the next room. Imagine the fighes she picked so she con make time to do it. Once the justified in their minds it was kosher to do it the cruely become their "normal": they get off with kind of sh1t, of doing it right under your nose, it's part of the trill. Your participation was required to keep the high. They talked and laughed about it (almost got caught yesterday!!). Imagine, they were that used to it OM didn't realize you'd go to their house after you called him to get stuff from there! He just forgot, that's the only reason you busted them.
I think throwing away that matress is useless, they defiled every corner of your house (and his), the cars... She just gave you the less damaging info, otherwise she's sure you'd divorce and destroy her. 
Every celebration, birthday, anniversary, any emotional milestone is polluted. Your memories are now tainted. They had time to break up and restart many many times. It's unlikely you can separate her moods swings over the years from the state of their affair.

Read this thread.
wife and best friend having (at least) an EA

If you want to find out the real extent, demand a timeline and a polygraph. She can't possibly remember the hundres of times they did it.


----------



## Amarillofat

happyman64 said:


> Good for you Amarillo.
> 
> Get it all outon the table. Leave no stone unturned.
> 
> Be calm.
> 
> And do not be in a rush to make any long term decisions.
> 
> Now you will see who she really is over all these years.
> 
> And she needs to see who she is as well!!


Thanks for your understanding and support. Told me she feels much better because she has told me everything, but I am still waiting for truth to trickle in. Taking it one day at a time to see what happens. Making no promises, other than willing to give her a chance.


----------



## Amarillofat

walkonmars said:


> Amarillo, so sorry. I know you didn't want to believe it. But I think it was very obvious to the men and women of this board.
> 
> Did you get her to write her "version" of events in ink in a spiral notebook or document it in an other way?
> 
> This is not to humiliate her (it will but it's not the purpose)
> Read the posts in your thread again. Especially read the post I added from LostCPA - read his thread too.
> 
> I am afraid there is more to be revealed.
> 
> That is the purpose of the documented timeline. You can question her on a detail she has written and if it is true and factual she will remember it. If she doesn't you know there's much more.
> 
> Sorry Amarillo


Told her I wanted her to write it down and I would give her a few days to write it all down. SHe immediately started spilling her guts with details. THen the next day more details. THen the next day more details.


----------



## warlock07

> Told me she feels much better because she has told me everything


Utter Bullsh!t. The affair was something she did voluntarily for 10 years. No one forced her to. Now she feels better ?

Tell her that you will be making her take a polygraph test and lying further would be the deal breaker. Much more than the actual fidelity


----------



## tom67

Amarillofat said:


> Told her I wanted her to write it down and I would give her a few days to write it all down. SHe immediately started spilling her guts with details. THen the next day more details. THen the next day more details.


Treat yourself to a nice hotel like fri thru sun. Do something for you for a few days, I like the ones with the indoor pools. Just tell her you are going away for a few days.


----------



## walkonmars

Amarillo
You never suspected anything? 

Even if you did the scope of the treachery (and you may never know the true extent) is so vast that it must be demoralizing you. 

Even if you have been a callous unloving spouse (which I highly doubt) her affair was all about her. She shouldn't blame anyone for her choices and decisions. Not you, not circumstances, not even the POS OM. It's all on her. She has free will and a conscience (not much of one obviously). 

Stay away from alcohol - please. It will not help you at all. See your doctor if you are becoming emotional and depressed. Don't be embarrassed or ashamed. None of this is on you or reflects on you. It reflects only on her.

Read Acabado's post. He is very wise and his post - as all others - is insightful. 

What's done is done. Have you asked her "Why?" If so, the answer will change unless she says "because I could and I'm selfish"


----------



## TRy

Acabado said:


> And of course you only got the tip of the iceberg. Imagine the glances every time you were together, the sneaking around to the next room. Imagine the fighes she picked so she con make time to do it. Once the justified in their minds it was kosher to do it the cruely become their "normal": they get off with kind of sh1t, of doing it right under your nose, it's part of the trill. Your participation was required to keep the high. They talked and laughed about it (almost got caught yesterday!!).





Acabado said:


> Every celebration, birthday, anniversary, any emotional milestone is polluted. Your memories are now tainted. They had time to break up and restart many many times. It's unlikely you can separate her moods swings over the years from the state of their affair.


 The above quotes are the reality of the last 10 years of the marraige. Although the OP thought that he and his wife were the couple when they spent time with the other couple, the truth is that for the last 10 years the other man and the OP's wife were really the couple. The OP was the long running joke to the two cheaters. The level of disrespect the OP's wife felt for the OP after 10 years was enormous the OP's wife and the other man coordinated behind his back. The biggest joke of all for them was that not only was the OP and the wife not the real couple, but that for at least 10 years the other man was not really the OP's friend. The last 10 years of the OP's life was a lie and there is nothing that the OP can do about it that would ever get those years back. This story saddens me to read.


----------



## ArmyofJuan

Amarillofat said:


> Recently caught my wife cheating with the male of a 20 year friend couple.
> 
> Very sorry and regretful. Knew it was wrong. Wants to and willing to make amends
> 
> *Should we tell our adult children? Wife's parents?*
> 
> Help!


Tell them you are getting a divorce.

That’s the only valid knee-jerk reaction to infidelity since infidelity is grounds for a divorce. To immediately go to a “work this out” stance can be almost seen as condoning the affair. Believe me, I did the same thing and I regret being so understanding and trying to work things out right after I found out.

Your first thought should be divorce UNTIL she has convinced you that she is worth keeping. To simply take someone back that has blatantly disrespected you like that requires you to sacrifice some of your dignity. After all, your W gets to keep a faithful husband and now you have to forever deal with an unfaithful wife. It’s a win for her, a loss for you depending on what your priorities are.

While it does sound like she is doing the right things now, you have to look at yourself and ask if the damage is too great and if you’ll ever be able to trust her again. She doesn’t take her marriage vows too seriously and no matter what she says today doesn’t mean she can fix herself overnight so this doesn’t happen again down the road.

It might be worth it to R with her but she has to make it worth it.


----------



## keko

Amarillofat said:


> Had her throw away the comforter and bed sheets on the bed they used in spare bedroom. Had her throw away blanket they used in office of our new house.


You forgot to throw her out.

Over 10 years of affair, in your house, you even caught them in the act, what exactly is a deal breaker for you?


----------



## tom67

Separate finances take half out of joint acct. and open one in your name. Cancel joint credit cards just in case she goes [email protected] sh!t crazy if you do decide to divorce and don't forget get a VAR today and carry it with you.


----------



## warlock07

Amarillofat said:


> Had her throw away the comforter and bed sheets on the bed they used in spare bedroom. Had her throw away blanket they used in office of our new house.
> 
> Talked in person with OMW and she is naturally devastated. Told her to have her "husband" buy her a new couch where I caught them screwing. THink they are headed for divorce court. SHe is not a "let's try to make it work" kind of gal.
> 
> Going to give it a few more days while I keep telling her "I want to know everything." Don't hold back because if I find out later that something else went on, it won't set well.


10 years is long term second relationship. They probably used every part of the house


----------



## walkonmars

Amarillo
Did she confess that the call to the OM the night she so gallantly admitted she had contact with OM (who she "hated so much") was to try to gaslight you? Because that is a small glimpse of her mind at work to this very day. 

_"must gaslight Amarillo - he'll buy anything - has so far!"_

Also to get a better idea of the deception. Talk to OMW and see what information she has been able to get from OM regarding start dates, # times, etc. 

No they are not that important per se. But do reveal her level of truthfulness now. I'm sure she feels like she's speaking a foreign language when she tells the truth so it may come out garbled. 

Talk to OMW then tell your wife you've learned some new details. That's all. Say no more. See if she contacts OM to find out what he said. (VAR the car). Or she may just remember other undisclosed details.


----------



## tom67

Good idea to var her car. It may be quite revealing and not in a good way. Talk to the omw and compare notes. If you need space, tell her to leave for a week.


----------



## Acabado

GPS is also a must.


----------



## TRy

warlock07 said:


> 10 years is long term second relationship. They probably used every part of the house


 This is very true and because of this the entire house will always be a trigger to both the OP and the OP's wife. Also, with so many years invested in the other man, it will be impossible for the OP's wife to every fully get this other man out of her mind. He is now a major and permanent part of her romantic history. She will always in her mind be comparing the other man to the OP and not always favorably. The cruelty of this situation is horrific.


----------



## cledus_snow

> She has been cheating for the last 10 years of your marriage.


i missed this somewhere..... _TEN YEARS?!?!?!_

you were living a lie for half of your marriage, dude.


----------



## Machiavelli

Amarillofat said:


> Well, 4 days later, wife cheated with OM about 10 years ago and initially, 3 sexual encounters has turned into 12 to 15 over the years.
> 
> Welcome to the Idiot Spouses Club!
> 
> Says nothing between then and now, but I doubt it seriously.


Your are right to doubt this. The fact they were comfortable enough with it to be getting it on in the front room of his house without any sense of stealth whatsoever indicates long term continuous success at keeping the affair running without detection. 

The chemical high off PEA, dopamine, norepihephrine, serotonin, et al that women get from adulterous sex is extremely addicting. I guarantee you she didn't take a ten year vacation or make it an annual event.

Polygraph.


----------



## Machiavelli

One other thing: they did it in your bed. Lots.


----------



## Shaggy

So for at least 10 years she's been having sex with him, bringing him around you humiliating you without care, and you are giving her a chance ?

What chance are you giving her that she hasn't had on her own for the last decade? She's not going to stop lying or cheating now. Why would she. After 10 years with the OM you are practically the one she's cheatng on him with when you occasionally get some pity sex thrown your way


----------



## Chaparral

How has your sex life been?


----------



## Malaise

Shaggy said:


> So for at least 10 years she's been having sex with him, bringing him around you humiliating you without care, and you are giving her a chance ?
> 
> What chance are you giving her that she hasn't had on her own for the last decade? She's not going to stop lying or cheating now. Why would she*. After 10 years with the OM you are practically the one she's cheatng on him with when you occasionally get some pity sex thrown your way*


Don't want to hit you over the head with this, and you probably already know it.

This is something that really has to hit home for you whenever she tries to say she's sorry or that she made a mistake.

This was her lifestyle for 10 years. You were not her priority, maybe not number 3 or 4 or her list. You were someone she gave a screw to whenever she felt she had to keep you engaged, and saved her love and body for OM.

Don't for a second believe that she now hates him or that it's over between them. She will say anything now to keep her ATM (you) and when she thinks enough time has gone by she'll be back at it again. She can't and won't give it up so easily.

Don't buy into it.


----------



## Acabado

You were necessary, as BW was, to mantain the facade. They used you both to keep the real relationship.
He used your conficences. Start thinking about it, how much personal info you gave him, how did he fish for it subtly, how he used that info, shared it with your BW. I'm not talking just to schedule things better but to share every intimate detail of your life, violate any privacy. Nothing was taboo, the violation met no bonds. 
Think hard how your WW did exacly the same.

Two puppet masters leaving you in the matrix, hitting your bottoms just becasue, watching you as the Truman Show character.


----------



## Kallan Pavithran

TRy said:


> This is very true and because of this the entire house will always be a trigger to both the OP and the OP's wife. Also, with so many years invested in the other man, it will be impossible for the OP's wife to every fully get this other man out of her mind. *He is now a major and permanent part of her romantic history.* She will always in her mind be comparing the other man to the OP and not always favorably. The cruelty of this situation is horrific.




Actually for the last ten ***ing yrs she only had romantic relationship with OM, what OP got was pity party or left overs.

Living a life full of lies and deceit for ten yrs with a wife whom you thought as part of the life. 
God already forgiven all your sins because he cant punish you in more worse than this.

She hates OM, she feels better..........

She always felt better when OM screwed her right under your nose, right on your back, right on your marital bed, right behind her children. also she feels better now because she told you what a pathetic life you were living for the past ten yrs of your life.

She may have tempted to scream on your face about OM banging her right under your nose when ever there was an argument, she didn't done that because she was scared of losing OM and what he gave her, Not because she loved or respected you.


----------



## Kallan Pavithran

chapparal said:


> How has your sex life been?




Yea, he may have got a lot of sloppy seconds for the past ten yrs. How many? god knows.


----------



## CH

Guys, he's looking to try and reconcile with his wife at this point. 10 years is most likely a deal breaker for most on these boards but let's respect his decision on this and give him advice of what he needs to do if he wants a successful R and what his wife needs to do to hopefully help fix this train wreck.

IMO, I would say get out as fast as you can but he's made his choice for now. BTW, now that the OM is getting divorce, I would probably put a chain and ball on my wife and attach it to one of my ankles. That's the only way I'm going to know she won't cheat again, hard to just give up 10 years on a drop of a dime.

And like others have said, every part of your house has been used by them, might have to throw the entire house away.

Good luck to you OP, it's not going to be easy at all but it looks like you've got a very big heart.


----------



## Eli-Zor

Take your time, have your wife create a written timeline follwed up by a ploygraph. For any chance of recovery you require total honesty. Decide what you will do if she fails to tell the truth. Don't send her for IC , or go for MC or any other C until you are sure that the affair is dead and she is evidencing she is committed to you.

You may require IC and support for yourself.

Make no big decisions about your marriage however make sure if she claims she wants to remain married then she has to evidence this by her actions and honesty.

Read the newbie thread for some guidance
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## cabin fever

good job with getting rid of the blankets she soiled.......but what about the bed, couch, counter tops, floors, shower, hood of the car, chair, stairs, washer, dryer, closet, and virtually everywhere else they did it?

Not trying to sound like an azz, but you are in for a LONG HARD road. in a couple months you will be beyond livid. 

good luck to you.


----------



## cledus_snow

CH, i don't think anyone here is making him rush into any decsion just yet.

i think we're all astounded at the level and depth of the betrayal(double-betrayal, at that). this _is _10 years we're talking here.


----------



## Kallan Pavithran

cabin fever said:


> good job with getting rid of the blankets she soiled.......*but what about the bed, couch, counter tops, floors, shower, hood of the car, chair, stairs, washer, dryer, closet, and virtually everywhere else they did it?*
> 
> *Not trying to sound like an azz, but you are in for a LONG HARD road. in a couple months you will be beyond livid. *
> 
> good luck to you.


:iagree:


----------

