# Is he cheating with his "friends"?



## drt09 (Oct 12, 2020)

This is gonna be long:
Before I met my husband he was "the nerd that always got friend zoned". Women liked him but they were still in their "bad boy phase" and my husband was just not what they were looking for however they stayed friends. Years later he's now married to me and it seems like after series of crappy guys, being left single mothers and drug addictions here they come. They aren't the problem though...its my husband and how he treats these relationships. He has three main female friends that sometimes I wonder about: 
1. She was the first friend he met when he moved to where we live 10 years ago. They tried dating but again my husband was "boring" so they broke up after 6 months. After a month of being single my husband started dating me. She texted him hurt asking if "they had a future"...he showed me i cursed her out(I have a bit of an anger problem). We haven't heard from her in years until she contacted him a year ago apologizing to me and him for her behavior. Saying that he was "the one that got away" and accepts that. However she doesn't want to speak with me at all. And now everytime she contacts him its for money for her drug habit(long story but she wasn't an addict when they were dating). He asks me and I've agreed to give her money a couple times but stopped after a while but she won't stop asking! Its making think my husband may be giving her money on the side without telling me
2. He liked this girl in HS however again he was too nerdy. She married some hood dude had two kids and je left her. I knew they were friends but what I didnt know until years into our relationship is that my husband and I her had sex and he got her pregnant. He paid for the abortion. NOW he claims he doesn't want her but he will call her for hours on end. He's gone to her house a couple times. I want to trust my husband but its just this feeling. He refuses to let me speak to her(my anger problem). Also she keeps asking 'why not me"(we look similar)...
why is she asking a married man that question?! Why doesn't my husband shut it down?!
3. This woman is VILE. She has stolen from my husband, used his SSN without his permission and called me his "fat wife'(I cursed her out as well). Shes apologized for all of it BUT she's constantly being disrespectful but my husband just will NOT stop talking to her! It doesn't matter what she does. I told him to please stick up for me around her he just says "well I can't control her'...then I end up cursing her out again.

Like I dont think want to be the jealous wife and try to control his friendships(no matter how bad they are) but why doesn't my husband let these women go?! They didn't want him then but now that he's married and they are miserable they want him now?! Is he getting an ego boost? What should I do? Leave these women alone or confront all of them?


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

I think it's inappropriate for him to have these "friendships", especially if you don't have any. Both spouses should be on the same page about that. I have no guy friends (just acquaintances from work) and he has no girl friends. You need to put your husband in his place. You shouldn't be confronting anyone. He is the one who needs to put the fire under his a** and get rid of them.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I'm not sure if your husband has a white knight problem or a wanting to be a bad boy desire...either way he is behavior in a very immature and destructive nature...these women are leeches and i would tell him he can decide if he wants to continue keeping them in his life or he can be with a wife who does not play these games. i am truly sorry you are here but he needs a kick in the ass.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

They don’t want him. They want what he can do for them. And he’s okay with that. Tell him “me or them” — and mean it when you say it.


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## drt09 (Oct 12, 2020)

GC1234 said:


> I think it's inappropriate for him to have these "friendships", especially if you don't have any. Both spouses should be on the same page about that. I have no guy friends (just acquaintances from work) and he has no girl friends. You need to put your husband in his place. You shouldn't be confronting anyone. He is the one who needs to put the fire under his a** and get rid of them.


I dont mind him having female friends because I can have male friends. Unfortunately all my male friends I had to get rid of or they stopped talking to me because I'm married now and the chances of sleeping with me is gone. Its heartbreaking but it is what it is. 
I want him to confront them but he seems not to want to damage these crappy one sided friendships


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## drt09 (Oct 12, 2020)

Lostinthought61 said:


> I'm not sure if your husband has a white knight problem or a wanting to be a bad boy desire...either way he is behavior in a very immature and destructive nature...these women are leeches and i would tell him he can decide if he wants to continue keeping them in his life or he can be with a wife who does not play these games. i am truly sorry you are here but he needs a kick in the ass.


I really think my husband is getting off on the attention. Hes getting pleasure out of seeing them suffer....no matter how much I hate these women that is a bit sadist.I asked him that one day and he laughed it off.


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## drt09 (Oct 12, 2020)

Openminded said:


> They don’t want him. They want what he can do for them. And he’s okay with that. Tell him “me or them” — and mean it when you say it.


Youre right but he doesn't see it ass that. They are his "friends". Should I give him an ultimatum about friends though? I wouldnt like that if he did it to me.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

It sounds like your husband could have kind of an "ugly duckling" thing going on. Wasn't "hot" or "desired" in the past, which played on his self esteem. Now he's getting "attention" from the women in his past that rejected him and he's getting some kind of pleasure from it. It doesn't matter that the attention is not good attention, or that it's attention that's hurting his marriage. He's just happy he's getting the attention. 

This is a problem in SO many ways.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Having "friendships" like this not acceptable. There is nothing wrong with opposite sex friends, if they are respectful of the marriage and spouse. These women are toxic and should be cut out. Your husband probably is loving the attention he's getting now but that attention is a very slippery slope. He would be wise to end it.

Your husband should not only be standing up for you, but also protecting his marriage. Saying he can't control what someone else says is true, but he can stand up for you and he can decide who to let into his life.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

drt09 said:


> Youre right but he doesn't see it ass that. They are his "friends". Should I give him an ultimatum about friends though? I wouldnt like that if he did it to me.


The problem is that they aren’t just “friends”.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Jee whiz your H knows some crappy people. This is a major red flag on many levels. So this is the guy that was "nice" to girls he had crushes on and now likes having them in his orbit. I would never stand for this. No way. You need to give him some very hard choices. 

Either these ladies are going to continue to bleed your FAMILY money dry, or one of these times he is going to break down and have sex with one of them.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

You said your male friends quite your friendship because they were no longer able to think about you sexually.

SO WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR HUSBAND IS THINKING ABOUT?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It seems to me that you keep cussing out the wrong person. The women aren't married to you.


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## drt09 (Oct 12, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> It seems to me that you keep cussing out the wrong person. The women aren't married to you.


 And it doesn't matter if they're not married to me. Its common decency, you're not gonna be calling me out of my name and not hear from me especially when I've done nothing to you. They haven't done it again, at least not to my face.
I've talked to him multiple times about it. I get the "you're overreacting/mean so ill just keep them away" speech.


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## drt09 (Oct 12, 2020)

Gabriel said:


> You said your male friends quite your friendship because they were no longer able to think about you sexually.
> 
> SO WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR HUSBAND IS THINKING ABOUT?


Very possible but that's speculation.


Gabriel said:


> Jee whiz your H knows some crappy people. This is a major red flag on many levels. So this is the guy that was "nice" to girls he had crushes on and now likes having them in his orbit. I would never stand for this. No way. You need to give him some very hard choices.
> 
> Either these ladies are going to continue to bleed your FAMILY money dry, or one of these times he is going to break down and have sex with one of them.


I've asked him why does he have these friends...multiple people in his family have asked but he says he doesn't have to explain his friendships if we don't have to explain ours so IDK.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Apparently your husband is quite aware that you are bothered by these friends. But he does nothing to remedy the situation. Sounds like he doesn't care if it bothers you. But it does bother you. So the ball is firmly in your court. Set a boundary. Issue an ultimatum. If that's not to your liking, I guess the only thing you can do is stay with him and suck it up. Sorry.


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## Rooster2015 (Jun 12, 2015)

drt09 said:


> I really think my husband is getting off on the attention. Hes getting pleasure out of seeing them suffer....no matter how much I hate these women that is a bit sadist.I asked him that one day and he laughed it off.


Problem is he is disrespecting you. No man who is in love with his wife ever does this. He stops or you go. Simple.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Gosh, @drt09, The love and respect your husband shows you is... umm... non-existent? 

What would I say to your husband?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

drt09 said:


> This is gonna be long:
> Before I met my husband he was "the nerd that always got friend zoned". Women liked him but they were still in their "bad boy phase" and my husband was just not what they were looking for however they stayed friends. Years later he's now married to me and it seems like after series of crappy guys, being left single mothers and drug addictions here they come. They aren't the problem though...its my husband and how he treats these relationships. He has three main female friends that sometimes I wonder about:
> 1. She was the first friend he met when he moved to where we live 10 years ago. They tried dating but again my husband was "boring" so they broke up after 6 months. After a month of being single my husband started dating me. She texted him hurt asking if "they had a future"...he showed me i cursed her out(I have a bit of an anger problem). We haven't heard from her in years until she contacted him a year ago apologizing to me and him for her behavior. Saying that he was "the one that got away" and accepts that. However she doesn't want to speak with me at all. And now everytime she contacts him its for money for her drug habit(long story but she wasn't an addict when they were dating). He asks me and I've agreed to give her money a couple times but stopped after a while but she won't stop asking! Its making think my husband may be giving her money on the side without telling me
> 2. He liked this girl in HS however again he was too nerdy. She married some hood dude had two kids and je left her. I knew they were friends but what I didnt know until years into our relationship is that my husband and I her had sex and he got her pregnant. He paid for the abortion. NOW he claims he doesn't want her but he will call her for hours on end. He's gone to her house a couple times. I want to trust my husband but its just this feeling. He refuses to let me speak to her(my anger problem). Also she keeps asking 'why not me"(we look similar)...
> ...


I don't know that I can give you advice. Sorry to say your husband is at his level with these women. You are the company you keep.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

drt09 said:


> I dont mind him having female friends because I can have male friends. Unfortunately all my male friends I had to get rid of or they stopped talking to me because I'm married now and the chances of sleeping with me is gone. Its heartbreaking but it is what it is.
> I want him to confront them but he seems not to want to damage these crappy one sided friendships


In most cases, men want to sleep with women, you're right. The same applies to your husband. It's very rare a guy is hanging out with females because he wants to be just friends. That's not to say he'll cheat, but at one point or another, has slept with or wanted to sleep with them. Not okay in my book. My husband has even said he has no female friends b/c if he did it means he wants to sleep with them. So, if you're not comfortable with the situation...DO SOMETHING to alter it. DO NOT "keep the peace".


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Yeah nah. This is SO inappropriate I can't even. WOW.

Yes, these women are way out of line, but keep your eye on the ball - your husband is the real skank here. He's a married man, he committed to you, HE is the one doing the wrong thing.

Were I in your shoes, I would make it clear in no uncertain terms that I am NOT prepared to stay married to someone, who behaves this way. If his immediate reaction wasn't "I'm so sorry, I'll cut off all contact with them as of now, I'm a ****, I can't believe I was so ****ing stupid" I'd be "BUH BYE".

It's fine for men and women to be friends. Opposite sex friends have different boundaries though, obviously. Any friendship though, opposite or not, that excludes a spouse is a no go. Absolutely not.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Here are all the behaviors on their own I find unacceptable:
1. Being friends with addicts.
2. Being friends with prior eff buddies
3. Talking on the phone for hours with any female that doesn’t share DNA.(even then hours?)
4. Going to a female’s house to “hang out”, alone.
5. Keeping ANY friend that talks crap about me and tries to sabotage my relationship
6. Giving money to hoes
7. When I express my concern that they are *****es he says “I don’t control them” a.k.a. “It’s not my fault I pick crappy people to hang out with!!!“
8. When I express anger and confront the hoes for disrespecting me (since he is too limp to stand up for his woman) he says “wahhhhh, you’re ruining my good time with my hoes! I’ll just not have you around with your anger problem.”

And every single one is crappy, But put together... hell no.

He sounds like he is 16 years old. What sort of things does he do that make up for this behavior out of curiosity?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Gabriel said:


> Jee whiz your H knows some crappy people. This is a major red flag on many levels. So this is the guy that was "nice" to girls he had crushes on and now likes having them in his orbit. I would never stand for this. No way. You need to give him some very hard choices.
> 
> Either these ladies are going to continue to bleed your FAMILY money dry, or one of these times he is going to break down and have sex with one of them.


Actually, those women may be crappy, or they may just be broken and hanging on to the only apparently normal person (or human ATM) that they know.

In my opinion the only really crappy person in all of this is the husband of @drt09.

He doesn't show his wife any respect, he doesn't take his marriage vows seriously.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

drt09 said:


> Like I dont think want to be the jealous wife and try to control his friendships(no matter how bad they are) but why doesn't my husband let these women go?! They didn't want him then but now that he's married and they are miserable they want him now?! Is he getting an ego boost? What should I do? Leave these women alone or confront all of them?


So your husband is spending *hours* on the phone AND spending time over at his old girlfriend's / "friend's" house, playing Captain Save a Ho, is that it?

You'd look like a desperate fool going to these women and telling them to stay away from your husband when it's your *husband who is your problem*. He clearly DOESN'T RESPECT YOU enough to stop doing what he's doing, so why on earth are you blaming the women for HIS **** behavior?

Don't be so sure that your nerdy husband isn't making up for lost time when he's over at the one woman's place because it's pretty clear he's emotionally involved with her and is getting off on all the attention she's giving him that he *wasn't* getting from her back when he was one of her orbiters. I wouldn't put anything past him at this point - if he's willing to completely disrespect you and make this woman his priority no matter HOW you feel about it, wouldn't it be a bit *naive* to assume he's suddenly going to have morals and integrity and not jump in bed with her? I mean, _*come on.*_

She's using every tool she's got in her shed to keep him around, providing her with money and support and probably helping her with manly things she needs done around the house, etc. Don't be naive, OP. He's LOVING the KISA role and the ego strokes with her constant bullcrap about how he was the one who 'got away.' 

*



..why is she asking a married man that question?! Why doesn't my husband shut it down?!

Click to expand...

*Come on. You really don't know?

Your husband doesn't shut it down because he doesn't want to and doesn't respect YOU enough to stop his inappropriate behavior. When people don't want to stop doing something, it's usually because they don't want to lose what they're getting from it. I think even a blind man can see what he's getting from the one woman.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

drt09 said:


> This is gonna be long:
> Before I met my husband he was "the nerd that always got friend zoned". Women liked him but they were still in their "bad boy phase" and my husband was just not what they were looking for however they stayed friends. Years later he's now married to me and it seems like after series of crappy guys, being left single mothers and drug addictions here they come. They aren't the problem though...its my husband and how he treats these relationships. He has three main female friends that sometimes I wonder about:
> 1. She was the first friend he met when he moved to where we live 10 years ago. They tried dating but again my husband was "boring" so they broke up after 6 months. After a month of being single my husband started dating me. She texted him hurt asking if "they had a future"...he showed me i cursed her out(I have a bit of an anger problem). We haven't heard from her in years until she contacted him a year ago apologizing to me and him for her behavior. Saying that he was "the one that got away" and accepts that. However she doesn't want to speak with me at all. And now everytime she contacts him its for money for her drug habit(long story but she wasn't an addict when they were dating). He asks me and I've agreed to give her money a couple times but stopped after a while but she won't stop asking! Its making think my husband may be giving her money on the side without telling me
> 2. He liked this girl in HS however again he was too nerdy. She married some hood dude had two kids and je left her. I knew they were friends but what I didnt know until years into our relationship is that my husband and I her had sex and he got her pregnant. He paid for the abortion. NOW he claims he doesn't want her but he will call her for hours on end. He's gone to her house a couple times. I want to trust my husband but its just this feeling. He refuses to let me speak to her(my anger problem). Also she keeps asking 'why not me"(we look similar)...
> ...



My goodness, what kind of people is your husband consorting with, this is not going to end well. You need to nip this in the bud immediately and tell him calmly that this is not good for your marriage. If he refuses to cut contact or going around to that woman's house for example, then you simply do the 180, go see a lawyer, I say this cause he needs a major 'come to Jesus moment.' You can always decide to withdraw filing but let him know you mean business. Do you have kids?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Openminded said:


> The problem is that they aren’t just “friends”.


visiting the house, being on the phone for hours, sounds like it is more than 'friendship' to me


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

drt09 said:


> And it doesn't matter if they're not married to me. Its common decency, you're not gonna be calling me out of my name and not hear from me especially when I've done nothing to you. They haven't done it again, at least not to my face.
> I've talked to him multiple times about it. I get the "you're overreacting/mean so ill just keep them away" speech.


But this is where you are wrong, these women owe you absolutely nothing. Your husband owes you respect and should protect his marriage, he is the one who you should be going after. The other skanks are not the issue, he is and his actions are.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

drt09 said:


> This is gonna be long:
> Before I met my husband he was "the nerd that always got friend zoned". Women liked him but they were still in their "bad boy phase" and my husband was just not what they were looking for however they stayed friends. Years later he's now married to me and it seems like after series of crappy guys, being left single mothers and drug addictions here they come. They aren't the problem though...its my husband and how he treats these relationships. He has three main female friends that sometimes I wonder about:
> 1. She was the first friend he met when he moved to where we live 10 years ago. They tried dating but again my husband was "boring" so they broke up after 6 months. After a month of being single my husband started dating me. She texted him hurt asking if "they had a future"...he showed me i cursed her out(I have a bit of an anger problem). We haven't heard from her in years until she contacted him a year ago apologizing to me and him for her behavior. Saying that he was "the one that got away" and accepts that. However she doesn't want to speak with me at all. And now everytime she contacts him its for money for her drug habit(long story but she wasn't an addict when they were dating). He asks me and I've agreed to give her money a couple times but stopped after a while but she won't stop asking! Its making think my husband may be giving her money on the side without telling me
> 2. He liked this girl in HS however again he was too nerdy. She married some hood dude had two kids and je left her. I knew they were friends but what I didnt know until years into our relationship is that my husband and I her had sex and he got her pregnant. He paid for the abortion. NOW he claims he doesn't want her but he will call her for hours on end. He's gone to her house a couple times. I want to trust my husband but its just this feeling. He refuses to let me speak to her(my anger problem). Also she keeps asking 'why not me"(we look similar)...
> ...


Your man was socially inept back then, and he is still socially inept today.

The nerd in him has no frakking idea when he's being played.

I do not envy your position of having to wait for him get a clue.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

syhoybenden said:


> Your man was socially inept back then, and he is still socially inept today.
> 
> The nerd in him has no frakking idea when he's being played.
> 
> I do not envy your position of having to wait for him get a clue.


He might be aware he is being played but the boost to his ego (tasty, yummy ego kibbles!) more than compensates for that.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> Actually, those women may be crappy, or they may just be broken and hanging on to the only apparently normal person (or human *ATM*) that they know.
> 
> In my opinion the only really crappy person in all of this is the husband of @drt09.
> 
> He doesn't show his wife any respect, he doesn't take his marriage vows seriously.


I agree with all of this. I also *bolded *what I thought was a factor in your post.

They see him as an *ATM*.
They see him as someone who will listen to their woes without much judgement.
They see him as someone who seems to care and is not _obviously_ after what is under their bra and between their legs.

Others have rightly pointed out that he is now that likeable rooster, no longer the dull cluck.
_Or, so this husband thinks_. 

The women have found themselves in a desperate spot and any man now seems better than the ones they are presently stuck with.

He is that rope that (they feel) can pull them out of despair.
That same rope will eventually hang him by his self-indulged balls.



_Gwendolyn-_


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## TurnedTurtle (May 15, 2019)

@drt09 -- you have two other discussions going on simultaneously with this one, and they are illuminating. Assuming all three threads are for real, your whole situation with this guy sounds pretty messed up: due to a screwup by the officiant, it turns out that you are not legally married, and he can't be bothered to follow through with the paperwork necessary to remedy that, but he is desperate for a baby (from Hey All, I'm Just Confused), he is demanding (and you are capitulating to his demands) for sex 10 or 12 times a week (from Too Much Sex), and here you are worried that maybe he is cheating with "friends."

You have no kids yet, you are not actually married, you have a significant incompatibility, and he doesn't respect you -- what is left? Why are you still in this relationship?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

No wonder your husband doesn't want to get legally married... He's holding out for one of his "friends".


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> It seems to me that you keep cussing out the wrong person. The women aren't married to you.


Now, it seems that no one is married to you. Maybe you can call up his ditzy aunt and cuss her out.


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

I would be shocked if the word "harem" hasn't been floating around his head. If you are looking for a committed monogamous relationship, I doubt that you're going to find it here.

Having been the nerd, let me see if I can put myself in his place a little bit. His ego spent many years being beat down which probably led to a certain amount of insecurity. He might be compensating / have compensated with a personal reassuring mantra ("I'm worthwhile because ...") which the helping of "friends" could be a part of. The sex all the time is likely a symptom of that as well (making up for lost time, proving manliness, etc). He would have probably felt looked down on in the past because of the rejection / getting dumped and now the power balance has flipped. He gets a little power trip and ego boost every time he helps them or hears that he was the one that got away.

He's co-dependent with _at least_ three other women. Are there other co-dependent aspects to your relationship, too?

Whether you stay with him or not, he probably needs individual counseling since he's holding so tightly to so many negative relationships.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Thanks to the poster who pointed out that you have a thread stating you aren’t legally married and your husband doesn’t want to fix that (it’s a good idea to keep all your story on one thread).

It makes more sense now that the man who isn’t legally married has several ex-crush “friends” he won’t give up. Yes, I would say he’s cheating. Maybe he doesn’t see it as adultery since your marriage isn’t legal. Or maybe he’s actually auditioning for a legal wife now that he has another shot at it. He’s the only one who knows for sure.

You’re better off moving on.


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## Doug Dimmadome (Oct 9, 2020)

It sounds like that your spouse never got the attention from women growing up, so now when they give it to him he leaps forward to get involved into their lives. Unfortunately, it seems that the women you've listed are toxic or were previously that way. If anything they will ruin y'all's relationship as he has previously been intimate with one if not two of them before, they have big problems in their own lives, one has a drug issue, etc. . All those things will take time and attention from the both of y'all. I do not think it has anything to do with jealousy, but more so you just care for him and your relationship. While I've never been a fan of ultimatums myself, if it was me, I'd go the "me or them" route, or just seek counseling and voice your opinions to the Dr. as I think they would be reasonable in asking him what the hell is his problem. Regardless, I'm no pro. Just my 2 cents. Good luck.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

drt09 said:


> I dont mind him having female friends because I can have male friends. Unfortunately all my male friends I had to get rid of or they stopped talking to me because I'm married now and the chances of sleeping with me is gone. Its heartbreaking but it is what it is.
> I want him to confront them but he seems not to want to damage these crappy one sided friendships


You've got to remember these relationships are your Hs to navigate, realize they aren't mature responsible married male friendships to have,and set aside.

If he does or doesn't set them aside it's your responsibility to assess his actions and convey clearly to him your position. 

And it would be absolutely correct, normal, and expected for him to break all contact with those female persons.

He's enjoying the attention. That's all it comes down to.


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## drt09 (Oct 12, 2020)

aine said:


> My goodness, what kind of people is your husband consorting with, this is not going to end well. You need to nip this in the bud immediately and tell him calmly that this is not good for your marriage. If he refuses to cut contact or going around to that woman's house for example, then you simply do the 180, go see a lawyer, I say this cause he needs a major 'come to Jesus moment.' You can always decide to withdraw filing but let him know you mean business. Do you have kids?


We do not. He wants kids desperately but I'm scared. Kids will have us tired together forever and at this point idk if this marriage is gonna work.


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## drt09 (Oct 12, 2020)

TurnedTurtle said:


> @drt09 -- you have two other discussions going on simultaneously with this one, and they are illuminating. Assuming all three threads are for real, your whole situation with this guy sounds pretty messed up: due to a screwup by the officiant, it turns out that you are not legally married, and he can't be bothered to follow through with the paperwork necessary to remedy that, but he is desperate for a baby (from Hey All, I'm Just Confused), he is demanding (and you are capitulating to his demands) for sex 10 or 12 times a week (from Too Much Sex), and here you are worried that maybe he is cheating with "friends."
> 
> You have no kids yet, you are not actually married, you have a significant incompatibility, and he doesn't respect you -- what is left? Why are you still in this relationship?


They're all real. At this point I really don't think anyone can't make my life up. What's left? Hm I guess love(at least on my part), security he's a good provider and we have a lot in common the main reason I fell for him is that we could sit and laugh for HOURS. Never get tired of talking. Idk if I missed the signs or what but I NEVER thought I would be on a forum complaining about him.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

drt09 said:


> I dont mind him having female friends because I can have male friends. Unfortunately all my male friends I had to get rid of or they stopped talking to me because I'm married now and the chances of sleeping with me is gone.* Its heartbreaking but it is what it is.*
> I want him to confront them but he seems not to want to damage these crappy one sided friendships


OMG. Is that really how you feel right now? That's a really big deal. How would you feel if you knew your husband was heartbroken over women he couldn't see? 

I think both of you have some extreme boundary issues to deal with. He shouldn't be around those semi-ex's... AT ALL... and you shouldn't feel heartbroken about past guys you can't sleep with. You know about his issues, but does he know about yours? Which brings up privacy issues as well.

The clock is running on your marriage. You're young; if things don't work out, you can start over. But you gotta figure this stuff out, quickly. Insecurity is going to destroy both of you.


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## drt09 (Oct 12, 2020)

Casual Observer said:


> OMG. Is that really how you feel right now? That's a really big deal. How would you feel if you knew your husband was heartbroken over women he couldn't see?
> 
> I think both of you have some extreme boundary issues to deal with. He shouldn't be around those semi-ex's... AT ALL... and you shouldn't feel heartbroken about past guys you can't sleep with. You know about his issues, but does he know about yours? Which brings up privacy issues as well.
> 
> The clock is running on your marriage. You're young; if things don't work out, you can start over. But you gotta figure this stuff out, quickly. Insecurity is going to destroy both of you.


Please. If I wanted those men I could have had them. I was not heartbroken because I can't sleep with them. I called some of these men my brother. I was heartbroken bc I thought they were my TRUE friends, that even if i got in a relationship they would still be my friend. I supported their relationships because we were FRIENDS. But I guess I was projecting my female ideas of what friends were on males.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

drt09 said:


> Please. If I wanted those men I could have had them. I was not heartbroken because I can't sleep with them. I called some of these men my brother. I was heartbroken bc I thought they were my TRUE friends, that even if i got in a relationship they would still be my friend. I supported their relationships because we were FRIENDS. But I guess I was projecting my female ideas of what friends were on males.


Then skip the "heartbroken" stuff and deal with the privacy and boundary issues I brought up. Because those men who apparently deserted you when you got married... they were respecting the choice you made (to marry your husband) and had their own sense of boundaries. Your husband could perhaps learn something from them.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

drt09 said:


> They're all real. At this point I really don't think anyone can't make my life up. What's left? Hm I guess love(at least on my part), security he's a good provider and we have a lot in common the main reason I fell for him is that we could sit and laugh for HOURS. Never get tired of talking. Idk if I missed the signs or what but I NEVER thought I would be on a forum complaining about him.


Honey, you need more than love to have a successful relationship.

He's your financial security (the reason he's so attractive to his female friends.) Do you work?

You have a lot in common? Well, you are not happy with his friendly relationships and that's a big deal.

Personally, I would not live with someone who is not only friendly with other females, but also a bank to drug addicts who were part of his emotional and sexual past. No thanks!

Figure out what you want for yourself and your future.You can't force him to change, specially if he downplays his need for female attention. This is not going to stop until he decides to stop.

Don't have kids with him.

Good luck!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

There's no way to know for sure, but my decades if personal experience have taught me that nerds who had trouble getting women will cheat the first chance they get and feel justified doing it. 

My first knowledge of this was a friend of mine who pretended to be my friend for a long time before he made his move and got rejected. He was one of those who was never direct in just asking a woman out but tried to sneak up on them either by befriending someone who had just broken up with someone he knew who was one of his friends or by circling them like a buzzard where they worked for months or even years trying to see if he could get assured that they would say yes, which never ever worked. 

Then one year he got a woman interested in him and started dating her and then a miracle happened and the second woman turned up and he just didn't even think twice before he was cheating on the first woman with the second. He was completely laughing and gleeful about it. Whenever I said something like so you finally get a girlfriend and then you're just going to cheat on her, he said he finally got to do what other guys got to do. And of course it's true that all of his male friends were more successful with women than he was. So of course he lost both women. 

Guys who have been rejected by women build up a resentment for them that will justify any of their bad behavior particularly in the department of cheating. I'm sure you're inclined to save your marriage, but if it were me I would probably just let it all implode rather than feeding his ego fighting over him. 

He's very likely making something out of nothing anyway.


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## drt09 (Oct 12, 2020)

pastasauce79 said:


> Honey, you need more than love to have a successful relationship.
> 
> He's your financial security (the reason he's so attractive to his female friends.) Do you work?
> 
> ...


I know love isn't enough. If it was I wouldn't be on here. 
I work and make ok money but he makes more. I would be fine if we broke up but Im provided a lifestyle that I'm not able to have on my own. 

And yes we like the same music, movies, we have the same views on a lot of religious and political. We've had a lot of great times, we still have great times. Its all these bad things in between. 
I wish he would just leave. It would make hating him easier.


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## drt09 (Oct 12, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> There's no way to know for sure, but my decades if personal experience have taught me that nerds who had trouble getting women will cheat the first chance they get and feel justified doing it.
> 
> My first knowledge of this was a friend of mine who pretended to be my friend for a long time before he made his move and got rejected. He was one of those who was never direct in just asking a woman out but tried to sneak up on them either by befriending someone who had just broken up with someone he knew who was one of his friends or by circling them like a buzzard where they worked for months or even years trying to see if he could get assured that they would say yes, which never ever worked.
> 
> ...


You're onto something. I like nerdy men so he was my cup of tea but one thing I notice is that a lot of them have this pent up resentment towards women. I mean you can feel some type of way about rejection but after a while you need to let that go. A lot of them turn into Incels. But the issue is that NONE of this came up in the dating phase with my husband. He was cool and calm and he made it seem like he moved on from them. I guess not


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

He may have been happy as a clam but now the new has worn off and could be restless. Hope things turn out for the best. Keep your boundaries so you don't hate yourself at the end of it.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

drt09 said:


> You're onto something. I like nerdy men so he was my cup of tea but one thing I notice is that a lot of them have this pent up resentment towards women. I mean you can feel some type of way about rejection but after a while you need to let that go. A lot of them turn into Incels. But the issue is that NONE of this came up in the dating phase with my husband. He was cool and calm and he made it seem like he moved on from them. I guess not


Are you sure you're not looking for excuses to move on from your husband? In a prior post you mentioned that you "hate" your husband. I can see disappointment, sadness, frustration, feeling it's time to move on because he's not going to change. But "hate"? Why would anyone have a discussion about a marriage with someone they hate, unless they were looking for the best way to leave?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Casual Observer said:


> OMG. Is that really how you feel right now? That's a really big deal. How would you feel if you knew your husband was heartbroken over women he couldn't see?
> 
> I think both of you have some extreme boundary issues to deal with. He shouldn't be around those semi-ex's... AT ALL... and you shouldn't feel heartbroken about past guys you can't sleep with. You know about his issues, but does he know about yours? Which brings up privacy issues as well.
> 
> The clock is running on your marriage. You're young; if things don't work out, you can start over. But you gotta figure this stuff out, quickly. Insecurity is going to destroy both of you.


I think she meant it's heartbreaking to lose someone you thought was a friend. Friends don't leave because they can't sleep with you.


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

drt09 said:


> I really think my husband is getting off on the attention. Hes getting pleasure out of seeing them suffer....no matter how much I hate these women that is a bit sadist.I asked him that one day and he laughed it off.


 I think this is a big part of it. You nailed it. he's getting that validation he's always craved years later. It's fake of course from the users who still see him as the awkward guy. This guy has head issues. He's a passive-aggressive beta. Leave his sorry ass. You can do better.


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

im surprised your attraction level for him hasn't sunk to ground zero. Is this a man who you can count on to make decisions; to provide leadership; actions of a father for your children? Some people never get over this HSchool stuff.


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## drt09 (Oct 12, 2020)

manowar said:


> im surprised your attraction level for him hasn't sunk to ground zero. Is this a man who you can count on to make decisions; to provide leadership; actions of a father for your children? Some people never get over this HSchool stuff.


My physical attraction for him has never left but I definitely could see myself leaving him. I dont want to BUT I've thought about it more and more lately.
I know he would be a father he loves kids and kids love him. But him being a good partner is the issue.


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## Cromer (Nov 25, 2016)

I ditched hanging out alone with female friends when my first wife and I got serious and kept it that way. Same for my second wife. I know the younger generation sees it differently, but I consider it to be disrespectful to my wife. I don't need or want another woman's company alone.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

This is who he really is and he’s definitely not who you thought he was. Since you aren’t legally married and don’t have kids, would you both just walk away with whatever you brought into the relationship? No property, etc. to split up?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Cromer said:


> I ditched hanging out alone with female friends when my first wife and I got serious and kept it that way. Same for my second wife. I know the younger generation sees it differently, but I consider it to be disrespectful to my wife. I don't need or want another woman's company alone.


I think disrespect is the crux of the matter. If you care about someone, you wouldn't hurt them by disrespecting them that way. If you don't have respect with another person, you really don't have the foundation for a relationship.


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## drt09 (Oct 12, 2020)

Openminded said:


> This is who he really is and he’s definitely not who you thought he was. Since you aren’t legally married and don’t have kids, would you both just walk away with whatever you brought into the relationship? No property, etc. to split up?


Im assuming so. It would take a bit to split due to having a car we own mutually and who's gonna keep that, who's gonna stay in our apartment but we could just walk away.


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