# Porn Issues



## SilentRanks (May 24, 2010)

My husband and I have been married for 16 years. The last 6 years have been hard on our marriage. Its the porn. He is addicted to the porn and its driving me crazy. I have confronted him about it time and time again and he gets furious with me for " checking up on him". Says i have no rights to check his history. He says if I get so upset about the porn that he will just cancel the internet all together. And to me all I hear in that statement is " If I cant have my porn then we dont need the internet." I have broke down so many times telling him how i feel about it. I tell him how it degrades Me and makes me feel like I am nothing to him. But it continues. I am very insecure with my body and weight and I feel as tho when we are in the bed its not me that he is thinking of. I have told him this and he quit the porn for about a full month. And just as i was getting more secure in sex again I check his history and BAM there is the porn again which in turn destroys my sex drive and security in it. I am so confused on how to fix this. He sees absolutely nothing wrong with him looking. But is killing me inside. He says he is only looking to get ideas. But to me its gone way further than that. Please Help Me! I dont want my marriage to end over this but I cannot see us making it work when he is unwilling to change his internet searches.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

Heavy porn use is always the result of problems in the marriage not the cause of them. 

The only people that would have you believe otherwise are those who profit from books and "therapies" to treat "porn addiction" or those with a religious agenda.

Men who are sexually happy in a marriage do not turn to porn as their primary way to get sexual release. 

Look to the relationship first before blaming the porn. There are millions if not billions of men who watch porn and yet have perfectly normal and happy sexual relationships with their wives because the marriage itself is basically happy and healthy.


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

Mr B said:


> Men who are sexually happy in a marriage do not turn to porn as their primary way to get sexual release.
> 
> Look to the relationship first before blaming the porn.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

Listen to those 2 sentences Silent, very fewer words have been spoken in such a short and succinct way.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Oh, I wouldn't say that at all.

That's kind of like saying, "My wife drives me to drink."

I think a man can indulge himself without any problem being in the relationship. Let's not explain porn usage/addiction away with it being a relationship problem.


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

Scannerguard said:


> Oh, I wouldn't say that at all.
> 
> That's kind of like saying, "My wife drives me to drink."
> 
> I think a man can indulge himself without any problem being in the relationship. Let's not explain porn usage/addiction away with it being a relationship problem.


Actually that's not what was being said scannerguard. I don't know about Mr B, but I meant specifically the times in which porn for the hubby replaces the wife. IE, the guy would rather look at porn the be intimate with the wife.

The times in which a guy uses porn supplemental to his sex life? That's a different issue all together, and a tougher nut to crack. But, even when it doesn't get in the way of their sex life, if the woman doesn't like porn the guy using it does cause an issue. It's not fair to just simply say to the woman "Get over it, he's a guy". And no, it's not fair either for the lady to say "He watched porn and even though we have a great sex life, I want a divorce".


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

It's succinct because I have been writing about this very subject for years.

And no I wasn't talking about guys who still have sex in their marriage but watch porn now and then.

My words were carefully chosen and the qualifier "primary" is very important.

And no it isn't like "my wife drives me to drink" mainly because alcoholism and a preference for porn and masturbation over partner sex in a marriage are two completely different things and have no relation to each other except to those who seek to profit by creating yet another "addiction"

If you try to find an insurance company to pay for "porn addiction" therapy you won't find any. That is because it is not a recognized addiction by the American Psychiatric Association. This is not because it's new or was overlooked by the APA. Far from it. Vested interests have been pressuring them to include this in the APA's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for years (the book the insurance companies and legitimate therapists use to bill people for treatment) as they stand to greatly increase their profits should the APA include this.

But the APA, after a lot of hearings and research, has turned them down time after time because they believe (correctly) that heavy porn use by a husband in a marriage is caused by either psychological problems the man may have, or, more commonly, interpersonal problems within the marriage.


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## SilentRanks (May 24, 2010)

Ok so im confused....... are yall sayin that the problem isnt the porn but the relationship?.. And if so ...how can u say that the porn isnt an issue if it does cause problems within the relationship.


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## Mal74 (Dec 24, 2009)

SilentRanks said:


> Ok so im confused....... are yall sayin that the problem isnt the porn but the relationship?.. And if so ...how can u say that the porn isnt an issue if it does cause problems within the relationship.


It is a chicken-and-egg situation. Fundamentally, your relationship is suffering. You see the porn as the problem, so when you find your husband has been looking at porn, you attack him, or otherwise engage in behavior he finds irrational, intolerable, whatever. Maybe he feels guilty and can't figure out how to express that. Whatever. The result of his behavior (looking at porn) is that you flip out, and the result of you flipping out (however that looks to you, whether or not you would call it flipping out) is that he goes into a hole. While he's in a hole and not able to communicate effectively with you, what do you think he's doing with his sexual energy? He's masturbating, to - wait for it - porn.

The problem isn't the porn, it's the communication, or lack thereof, in your relationship, that creates a vicious circle. Porn probably just shows up in that circle and it really looks like porn is the problem.

None of this is to say you're wrong to feel the way you do. It's just that the thing you think is the source of your troubles, is in fact not the source.

So what there is for you to do is to learn how to communicate - both of you. This is typically (sorry, guys) a LOT harder for men to do than for women. We talk endlessly to our girlfriends and if we're lucky we have women who really listen to us, and we to them. We process, we emote, we cry, we laugh. Guys... well, guys jerk off to porn. And go fishing. Or play poker. Or whatever. The point is that a LOT of them lack the skills to be able to communicate effectively around their emotions. 

I'm increasingly convinced that in some way this is really why guys get married - they are finally looking to heal, finally looking for a woman who will make it safe enough for them to begin dealing openly and honestly with emotion, and thus, they are finally looking to become fully human.

Okay... here comes the sh!tstorm from guys who hate my generalizations. Bring it on!

As for you, I recommend talking to someone who can help you look beyond the porn and into what is happening in the marriage that you and your husband cannot communicate effectively. If my theory is right, you're going to have to do the heavy lifting, and be really, really, REALLY patient while he comes around. I sense, quite honestly and with massive compassion, that there is nothing more terrifying for some men than to communicate around sensitive topics.

So you have to figure out how to set this up so that he can start winning - with you.


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

SilentRanks said:


> Ok so im confused....... are yall sayin that the problem isnt the porn but the relationship?.. And if so ...how can u say that the porn isnt an issue if it does cause problems within the relationship.


It's like saying that the bullets are the problem when people get killed and not the gun. As Mal and MrB said porn is not an issue in itself, it's not an island. The porn is there because there is another problem in the relationship. Be it communication issues, issues with physical looks, issues with Erectile Dysfunction, etc, etc.

The biggest question I have is how often is he looking at porn? How often are yall intimate? Does he ever reject intimacy with you? That may help narrow down the possibilities...


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

People sometimes turn to porn for fast and efficient release, even if they are happy in their marriage and with their sexual partner. As much as we may love our partners, we still want to do certain things on our own. Since most of us (men and women) masturbate since early ages (way before we get married) we keep the habit of masturbating, married or not. Porn helps with the masturbation because we live in the era of Internet and we can use it. The way i see it, it's like watching action movies. We all do that as well, and we all find them entertaining and considerably more exciting than real life, but not many of us actually expect our lives to be that way, or stop living to live through action movies. They're just a way to relax and be entertained. 

As for your relationship, of course it has everything to do with how many times you have sex or not. . If you're moody and you yell at him over porn, that's also very unattractive as well as annoying because you force yourself into his intimacy without him inviting you. If you're insecure about your body and weight, well, that's something you have to work on, by yourself. Have the initiative to change until you feel more attractive. If you don't find yourself attractive, that will have a major impact on how you behave and i doubt men find shy, low-self esteem women to be hot. Again, how you see yourself, is strictly your problem. He's not there to make you feel attractive. In fact, if you're very insecure about the way you look, i doubt there's anything he can do to snap you out of that. Only you can. 

Also, your lack of confidence is also what makes his porn watching a problem for you in my opinion. Please do correct me if i'm wrong. But i'm having the same issue as you. I kept yelling over porn for a whole year, solving nothing. You instantly turn this into a 'those women in porn are more attractive therefore he can only think about them, even when we have sex, because i'm considerably less attractive', but did you consider that he's not comparing? Because, for instance, those men in porn can have sex for hours and are all studs? I bet he's not exactly like that either? He might even be happy with what he already has, if she were to become confident, nag and cry less and be more nice and flirty with him. Just my opinion.


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