# In love with my lover



## somegirl (Oct 20, 2010)

I am married and my husband works a lot and almost does not spend time with me, sex is rare and just very technical. 
I met a guy online and we chatted for some time and we met one day. It was just like magic, crazy love and passion. It lasted for 6 months and after that the guy told me I should leave my husband and be with him. I got scared and told him I can't do that. He stopped all contact with me and did not reply for my texts or calls. I was devastated and decided to leave my husband because I couldn't exist without that guy. I came to his house and told him that and he was very happy. After few weeks I got cold feet again and told him I need more time and then he told me that I won't leave my husband and it is too painful for him and he does not want to meet with me anymore. 
It's been 2 months and I think about him all the time and I feel depressed and sad.
The reasons I was afraid to leave my husband are mostly financial, I had very poor childhood and I am very afraid to have no money again though I have a good job and income. 
Few friends who know about an affair tell me to forget the guy and stay with my husband, but I am just afraid that I won't feel that crazy sparkle and passion again in my life and then what is the purpose in life without it?


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

somegirl said:


> I am married and my husband works a lot and almost does not spend time with me, sex is rare and just very technical.
> I met a guy online and we chatted for some time and we met one day. It was just like magic, crazy love and passion. It lasted for 6 months and after that the guy told me I should leave my husband and be with him. I got scared and told him I can't do that. He stopped all contact with me and did not reply for my texts or calls. I was devastated and decided to leave my husband because I couldn't exist without that guy. I came to his house and told him that and he was very happy. After few weeks I got cold feet again and told him I need more time and then he told me that I won't leave my husband and it is too painful for him and he does not want to meet with me anymore.
> It's been 2 months and I think about him all the time and I feel depressed and sad.
> The reasons I was afraid to leave my husband are mostly financial, I had very poor childhood and I am very afraid to have no money again though I have a good job and income.
> Few friends who know about an affair tell me to forget the guy and stay with my husband, but I am just afraid that I won't feel that crazy sparkle and passion again in my life and then what is the purpose in life without it?


Do you know what attracts you to this other man? I think you need to do some deep thinking about yourself and begin to include your husband on what is making you so unhappy. Did you ever love your husband? Is it possible if your relationship changed with your husband and he was around more/better sex that your marriage could be turned around?

I'm not one to stay for financial purposes as I'm prone to follow my heart. Sex and partnership is so important. If you came clean to your husband would he put you out on the street or be willing to work on your relationship and what is lacking in it for you. Odds are he too feels something is lacking.


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## somegirl (Oct 20, 2010)

Thank you for your reply.
I love my husband as a friend and a life partner but not as a man. I can rely on him and he treats me very well but I don't feel sexual with him. The other guy treats me as a friend and the most desirable woman in the whole world and constantly shows me how he wants me. But he does not want to be a lover anymore, he said he wants to wake up in the morning and hug me and spend all weekends and holidays with me. I cause him pain and I don't want it. At the same time I don't feel very secure with him, because he never talked about possible marriage or anything like that. 
My husband really tries but I just don't feel it anymore.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Set your husband free. Let him know what kind of life he is really living with you.

Then move on and live your own life without using someone else for finances.


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## NeedSpace (Sep 17, 2010)

Most people here may have harsh words for you. I recommend googling **************** lots of advice and others going thru same thing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Honestly, if you stay with someone you do not love, you are just using him. What can that be like for him?

But the solution is NOT to run to another man's arms. The solution is to work on yourself, so that with or without a man, you feel whole and confident. Only then will you truly be able to WANT--rather than "need"--another. 

You can do this work while still married, but the risk is that the "new" you will discover that the man you married out of need is not someone you truly WANT to spend your life with. Your husband deserves to understand this risk. If he decides he wants to take that risk, then you should be doing marriage counseling at the same time you are in individual counseling, b/c you might learn ways to make each other very happy even if the marriage is no longer based on your feelings of "need." But if your H chooses not to take this risk (and who would blame him?), you need to do the honorable thing and leave. 

You don't say whether or not you have kids. If you do, work hard to make sure you get things right so you don't put them through more upheaval than necessary. Work hard to co-parent with their dad, so the children are never left feeling they have to choose sides. Work hard to show them a confident, independent person so that they never make the same mistake you did. 

Good luck.


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## somegirl (Oct 20, 2010)

I don't have kids so it is easier. 
I married my husband because he was the first person who really cared about me and he showed me that life can be actually nice. But I never felt great passion or desire for him and now I wonder what more important for me - comfortable living or passion and crazy sex. The other guy cannot give me the same financial stability because he actually makes much less than me and I wonder if down the road it will become an issue. In the beginning it is all shiny but after a while you have to face a reality.


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## lobokies (Sep 7, 2010)

decide and be honest.. you love someone than your husband. do not use your husband leave him if you in love with other. dont be selfish. you are a deception


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Most books I've read say that "in love" stage of a relationship lasts from 18 months to two years. What are you going to do when this stage passes with the new guy? Then move on to someone else? Marriage requires a lot of work. What's currently going on isn't fair to either man.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

> I married my husband because he was the first person who really cared about me and he showed me that life can be actually nice. But I never felt great passion or desire for him and now I wonder what more important for me - comfortable living or passion and crazy sex. The other guy cannot give me the same financial stability because he actually makes much less than me and I wonder if down the road it will become an issue. In the beginning it is all shiny but after a while you have to face a reality.


May I make a suggestion? When you married your husband did you make some sort of promise to him--in front of a judge or religious leader and your families? Did you promise to forsake all others and be with him through all the circumstances of life until one of you died? At the time did you mean it? No excuses--I just mean, at that moment, when you were in your dress and he was all handsome and you looked in his eyes...at that moment did you mean it? 

The reason I ask is that true love is not about "feelings" and "passion"--it is a commitment that you make to another person to make the effort to treat them in a loving way. If you think about it, I think most people would agree that love is kind, gentle, trustworthy, thoughtful, patient, not jealous, not selfish, protects the loved one, hopes for the best...that kind of thing. Right? Well...is that how you treat your husband? You made a promise to him, and this isn't about him not keeping his promise to you--this is about you. Have you been standing up to your end of the deal? 

Okay rather than thinking about the passion and "crazy sex" you had with loverboy, I would suggest that you channel that same level of interest and energy toward making what you have with your husband GREAT! Did you send loverboy emails and poems and lovey-stuff? Well put that same kind of effort into your husband. Plus if you put that much effort into honoring the promise you made, and standing up to your end of the deal, you will be the kind of person who can look themselves in the face in the mirror and be proud of who you are! You would be the kind of person who HONORS their vows! 

I don't know how old you are, but I can say that I'm not young anymore, and trust me--life does NOT revolve around passion and crazy sex! I'm not saying you should settle or go for second-best cuz it's still pretty good. Nope. I'm saying you made a promise--so stick with your promise and if you want passion, then BUILD passion with your husband. If you want crazy sex, then build crazy sex...with your husband! The passion fades sort of in every relationship--that initial thrill and rush of being with each other dies down, and then you'd just have to look for another "rush" and another and another. Instead, start now, while you're younger, and create a marriage that is satisfying to you and to him. 

And by the way, yes, this can be done and I'm living proof. There are other folks who write here on this site who have also built it. And there are still others who came here during the rough times, built that passion, and then stopped writing :ezpi_wink1: Not sure WHAT they're doing :ezpi_wink1:


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Play out both scenarios in your mind, be honest with yourself. Think about what you will most regret when you're older and reflecting back on your choices.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

You have to inform him and then give him time to make a decision for himself.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Money talks!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You love some other guy but you're going to just exploit your husband financially? That about right? I think you need to leave your mind, your heart, your body, and your financial support all in the hands of one guy. Otherwise, what you have going is just fraud.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

It takes longer than 2 months... especially if you were with him for 6 months. The grass will not be greener with the other man, period. You already stated a low income (and that $ is important to you), and already, prior to getting together with this other man question if it will be a problem. That is your gut telling you it will be. That is not something to dismiss, it means dismiss him or you will have issues down the road, just like you dismissed not having passion for your current husband and marrying him anyway. You are using husband right now for money. Regardless of the affair, that is also not a respectful way to treat him.

Either own up to your incorrect decision to marry your husband (knowing you werent in love with him) and let him go, or decide to love him now. In either case, dont go back to the other guy with whom you have intrinsic problems anyway... after the romance is gone (which it will go) you will have a bigger problem with him than you do with your current husband and you will find yourself wanting to go back to the man who is currently your husband. 

Your husband, in your situation, is the "grass is greeneer"... try to focus on how to make it work.


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## byrdie (Oct 10, 2010)

Wow, Go for it and I'll bet the passion fades. Besides how will the other man know if you won't do the same thing to him?I feel sorry for your husband. I'm pretty down on cheaters. Keep your legs togeather and come clean to your HUSBAND.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

If you fear poverty, get a job. Learn a skill. And learn to manage money. Get a copy of Total Money Makeover. In this day and age, the person who uses a man for income has a name. And the name ain't pretty. It's called gold digger. 

Regardless of what you do wrt to your romantic and marital situation, get self sufficient so money does not have to be part of your romantic decisions ever again.

My two cents.
S


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## somegirl (Oct 20, 2010)

Thank you all for your replies.
I guess I need to get over my lover and try to make it work with my husband. My lover helped me to realize what I need and what I was lacking so now I can set clear goals and try to reach them.

And about money..."Nothing destroys your spirit like poverty". I cannot be with a man who cannot give financial stability like my father couldn't. I watched my mom over the years and from the happy fun person she transformed into bitter and angry. I don't want that.


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## somegirl (Oct 20, 2010)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> If you fear poverty, get a job. Learn a skill. And learn to manage money. Get a copy of Total Money Makeover. In this day and age, the person who uses a man for income has a name. And the name ain't pretty. It's called gold digger.
> 
> Regardless of what you do wrt to your romantic and marital situation, get self sufficient so money does not have to be part of your romantic decisions ever again.
> 
> ...


I do have a profession and a good job but I bet a lot of man won't feel comfortable if their woman earns much more than them. And I won't feel comfortable either.


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## somegirl (Oct 20, 2010)

byrdie said:


> Wow, Go for it and I'll bet the passion fades. Besides how will the other man know if you won't do the same thing to him?I feel sorry for your husband. I'm pretty down on cheaters. Keep your legs togeather and come clean to your HUSBAND.


I actually did not feel like I am cheating or doing anything wrong. How something can be wrong if it makes me happy?


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## *Ann* (Aug 26, 2010)

somegirl said:


> I actually did not feel like I am cheating or doing anything wrong. How something can be wrong if it makes me happy?


Wow, this is CHEATING. Do you have any type of consideration for your husband? For the vows you took? What you are doing is very wrong. The word selfish comes to mind. How sad, I feel for your husband.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

somegirl said:


> I do have a profession and a good job but I bet a lot of man won't feel comfortable if their woman earns much more than them. And I won't feel comfortable either.


So ... feeling comfortable lessening yourself is more important than being honest with your husband? THAT is justification for cheating on your husband and then not leaving him?

I am sorry. Bu that is either crazy or stupid.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Rape, murdering and abusing children make some people happy too. Does that make it okay, since it made THEM happy?? I don't think so honey. Time to look at your morals and values and decide whether or not you are going to have any.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

somegirl said:


> I actually did not feel like I am cheating or doing anything wrong. How something can be wrong if it makes me happy?


What do you think cheating is? Does it make your HUSBAND happy? Have you ever, once even *considered* your husband or his feelings? Or does it make you "comfortable" to see him as your meal ticket?


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

somegirl said:


> I actually did not feel like I am cheating or doing anything wrong. How something can be wrong if it makes me happy?


Possibly it's infatuation...not love. The online guy, how many other married women have met him prior to you? I know several people gone through very similiar siutauations. All mairred two, some 3 times. Get out of marriages for same reasons...someone else made them feel better. I understand it. When your emotional connection is not fully there, and someone comes along and makes you feel all giddy, sexy, like you did 10 years ago (or however long) you cling to that. Want it. Need it. Possibly your H doesn't realize or know how you feel? My H and I had long conversation other night. Although seeing how painful it was for him to know I'm on fence of actually leaving, it made me feel better and realize there are still things to work out. I think our emotions get taken over quickly and confused infatuation to think it's love. No matter what you do, be very careful with thinking grass is greener. It may be short term.


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## somegirl (Oct 20, 2010)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> What do you think cheating is? Does it make your HUSBAND happy? Have you ever, once even *considered* your husband or his feelings? Or does it make you "comfortable" to see him as your meal ticket?


I told my husband that I am not happy and why and he told me he is going to change things, but after few months we are almost back to what it was. He is not just my 'meal ticket', I contribute a lot too and I do all housework and all errands and groceries and what not. 
I understand why people judge me but I am just tired of being unhappy all the time.


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## somegirl (Oct 20, 2010)

emotionalwreck said:


> Possibly it's infatuation...not love. The online guy, how many other married women have met him prior to you? I know several people gone through very similiar siutauations. All mairred two, some 3 times. Get out of marriages for same reasons...someone else made them feel better. I understand it. When your emotional connection is not fully there, and someone comes along and makes you feel all giddy, sexy, like you did 10 years ago (or however long) you cling to that. Want it. Need it. Possibly your H doesn't realize or know how you feel? My H and I had long conversation other night. Although seeing how painful it was for him to know I'm on fence of actually leaving, it made me feel better and realize there are still things to work out. I think our emotions get taken over quickly and confused infatuation to think it's love. No matter what you do, be very careful with thinking grass is greener. It may be short term.


Thank you, I guess it is very close to how I feel. It is intoxicating to feel again like you are 16 or something. 
I told my husband few times in the past that I want to leave and he begged me to stay and that he will make things work but after few months it goes back to usual. I can't be the only one who is trying.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

somegirl said:


> I told my husband that I am not happy and why and he told me he is going to change things, but after few months we are almost back to what it was. He is not just my 'meal ticket', I contribute a lot too and I do all housework and all errands and groceries and what not.
> I understand why people judge me but I am just tired of being unhappy all the time.


So fix it or get OUT. When you have an affair behind someone's back, that IS cheating.


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

You are not the "only one that is trying". There's not much that your husband can do if you are having an affair or are emotionally invested in another man. Surely you see how that's an impossible position. Furthermore, he sounds like a regular nice guy - he just doesn't do it for you. THAT he can't change. He can't become someone else so that you can feel that kind of passion for him. You do or your don't. And, sure, it can be better or worse, but he'll never be like your lover because, well, he's a different person. Another woman might get the same thrill out of your Husband that you got out of your lover because he would be right for her. Hope that makes sense.

Anyway, as for passion vs. financial stability, sounds like you make a living, so you must be talking about more than just stability. Let me kindly point something out ... there is NO stability. It just doesn't exist. Life is rocky. Life is complicated. You poor lover might win the lotto tomorrow. Your husband may drop dead and there goes all his income. So much that is not stable or guaranteed in life.

Now let's do an exercise: Picture Scenario 1: you stay with your husband and spend the next 20-50 years married to him living the friendly, comfortable, financially stable life that you are living now but with the emptiness and achy heart that lack of passion has you in. How will you review that on your deathbed? Will you consider that to have been good enough? Scenario 2: You go with your lover or out on your own to take a chance at love and passion and here and there, you find it and live it. You have your income and, sure, sometimes things are tight but you have all your basic physical needs met and you have sex that rocks you. How will you assess that?

My point is: You are not happy in your marriage. That's clear. I don't judge you for being unhappy and wishing for more. Infatuation may last 18 months, but passion can last a lifetime if you have the right partner, so don't let others minimize the needs for it. You are not a child living under your daddy's broke-ass roof anymore. Don't live your life and make your life choices from that place. That is a place of fear, sadness and bitterness and it's forcing you to make choices that perpetuate fear, sadness and bitterness in your life. If you have seen joy out there somewhere, be brave and go for it. Will it work out? Who knows? But at least you'll know you tried.

As for this ...



> How something can be wrong if it makes me happy?


Having an affair is wrong. It's human and humans do it, so forgiveness is possible, but you should at least acknowledge that it's not the right thing to do and that it's an awful thing to do to a man that clearly loves you and has done right by you. From your post, it seems like your ideal situation would be to keep the lover for the sex and passion and keep the hubby for the security and money. Wouldn't it be nice if life just let us have whatever we wanted regardless of how it affects others. But, as you are experiencing, life is just not that easy.

My vote for you ... choose love.

Having said that, I don't think you do love your lover. Otherwise, you wouldn't be so torn between a husband you clearly don't love and some guy that supposedly rocked your world. You wouldn't be able to help yourself to run into his arms. I think what you loved was how he made you feel and the possibility of having those feelings. So, when I say "choose love", I don't mean "choose your lover", I mean choose your freedom and go find the love that your lover made you realize you can have out there, whether from him or from someone else.


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## mrsromance (Oct 21, 2010)

Killing and child porn make some people happy, but it is wrong. It sounds like u have a self-centered problem. I myself have had issues with that. Think about is it wrong that you are making your husband so unhappy. try thinking of his feelings as well.


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## somegirl (Oct 20, 2010)

MsLady, thank you, you described everything exactly how it is. 
The only thing is how to make myself to not fear to be on my own. How to oppose family and friends who would tell I am crazy and will regret my decision later.


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## lobokies (Sep 7, 2010)

your husband do not change so you feel unhappy and having feelings for other man. i hope your H will change from someone who loved you into someone who has feelings to other woman as you are doing now.


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## byrdie (Oct 10, 2010)

Very self-centered. Tell your husband, Give him the chance to walk away.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I think she is looking for justification and someone to agree with her now, and I think ML gave it to her. Next step? SG will now start comparing both men, and by the end of next week, she will convince herself that her H is a terrible person and that her lover is the one she is really meant to be with. Good luck, SG, sure hope you're happy.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

F-102 said:


> Good luck, SG, sure hope you're happy.


You can't be happy if you run around selfishly looking after your own whims. If you married the wrong person, and are unhappy, then by all means, get out. But this self serving justification "how can it be wrong if it makes me happy" makes me sick to my stomach. Glad it is her and not me. Eventually the sh!t comes home to roost.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

There will always be someone who appears more interesting, better looking, wealthier, etc, than the partner you have. This internet guy who seems so great now has weaknesses and flaws and so do you. He is a huge question mark. You know who and what your husband is. No man can make you happy or content. That comes from within you. I would suggest, as others have, that you see to your own education and career goals. You should never "have" to stay with anyone to survive financially.


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## careful (Feb 19, 2010)

Dear SomeGirl;

Please picture a day when you are standing alone in some appartment as your "lover" is secretly meeting with his newest internet affair behind YOUR back. Your "lover" is a man without character or integrity. He is a man who is willing to sleep with another man's wife (you). 

Please also picture a day when your husband has found a new woman who cherishes him as an honest, committed, hard-working man. She will gladly put effort into sparking his passion, even if it is hard work. And she will sleep soundly every night knowing that his love for her is forever pure and secure. She will be his true love, and they will feel disgust every time they think of you.

Your "happiness" now may set you up for the most horrible pain you have ever felt.


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## *Ann* (Aug 26, 2010)

careful said:


> Dear SomeGirl;
> 
> Please picture a day when you are standing alone in some appartment as your "lover" is secretly meeting with his newest internet affair behind YOUR back. Your "lover" is a man without character or integrity. He is a man who is willing to sleep with another man's wife (you).
> 
> ...


:iagree: I couldn't have said it better myself. This is something to really think about SG.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Nicely said, careful.


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## ver13 (Oct 22, 2010)

One thing I know for sure if you don't have the will or the desire to work on your relationship you need to move on and leave your husband. I have been with my wife for 20yrs and we have gone through hell and back but in the end we stay together because we are everything to each other. I don't how to say it I just know that when faced with leaving our marriage at different times we chose to stay. The excitement of the affair is always so sweet until the lights truly come on and you see who is really standing there. The true test is after all the reasons for doing what we did to each other have been attempted to be explained, and for the most part it came down to a case of me first instead of we. Do you still get that feeling of "I just want to see my spouse tonite " after all I have put us through no matter how much it hurts me. Money comes and goes and when you die you'll be poor thats for sure can't take material things with you. But the look in your spouses eye's when you must go will be the last true expression of love that you feel. If you truly work together to make things right for WE not just ME.


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## marriagesucks (Sep 24, 2010)

I think what you are doing is wrong, having an affair. But I wish som of the posters would get off the high horse and stop persecuting you. You came here for advice. This is not Jerry Springer.

I feel the same lack of spark in my marriage. People here tell me leave. But i gave up my career and sold my apartment to marry this guy. We live in a small town far from opportunities in my area. Since then my 401K has gone down to nothing. We have a nice home that I have spent the last 3 years fixing up (his house before the marriage). If I moved out it would be a struggle. I am in my mid 40s. 

I have had many affairs - in my head. I close my eyes and put myself in my own romance novel and play it out. I have tried so many times to make my marriage better. But it is one sided mostly. He has no interest to improve anything and we are slowly drifting away. I had a dream that I asked my H for a divorce and his response was, okay let's just get this over with...no trying to make things work. I don't think he is into the marriage.

With all this, the risk of leaving and finding someone else to make me happy is too great. It's so easy to say leave. Huh! No it is not. Not at my age.

Should you stay. Yes. I have been in relationships where the beginning is great, but if fizzled (my current situation). Or passionate relationships that did not work. There are no guarantees. What is important is you have a NICE guy who wants you. Those guys are hard to find. I was single for 10 years after my first marriage, I know.

Even though you love your lover, the money thing is going to be an issue for you. I think if you found someone you were crazy about and had the financial stability it would be easier to jump ship. But the lover is not the ideal. So, don't go.

Stay. Stay and make it work.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

marriagesucks said:


> I think what you are doing is wrong, having an affair. But I wish som of the posters would get off the high horse and stop persecuting you. You came here for advice. This is not Jerry Springer.


Some of us, myself included, find a healthy slap up side the head USEFUL. If someone is engaging in magical thinking, oft times that is all that gets through.

You have your style, others theirs.


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## somegirl (Oct 20, 2010)

marriagesucks said:


> With all this, the risk of leaving and finding someone else to make me happy is too great. It's so easy to say leave. Huh! No it is not. Not at my age.
> 
> Stay. Stay and make it work.


I have 3 divorced girlfriends and one has found very nice guy and she is very happy. 2 others are still alone and very depressed and question if they did the right thing. I know that to find a nice guy is not easy and I have two of them in my life.  
I met with my lover yesterday and we decided to go separate ways even though it is very painful and then I think about it I just cry.
I will try to save my marriage and if it won't work in the next 6 months, I will leave. 
Thanks for all advices and comments!


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## somegirl (Oct 20, 2010)

So, I decided to bluff and tell my lover I'm leaving my husband and see his reaction. May be it is mean, but I had to do it.
He sent me a text the next day telling that he is over me and does not love me anymore and I should not contact him ever again.
Ha ha, that's how you see the real face...I am relieved and even kinda happy


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

That a girl, good to see you put on your big girl pant on and


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

you made the right choice, now good luck and in six months you can either stay in our marriage or leave honorably. 

Are you going to let H know?


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

You stated that you had "two nice guys" in your life. Wrong. You only have one. A man who would sleep with another man's wife isn't a nice guy. 
I would throw myself 100% into improving my marriage if I were you. I would also advise you to get tested for STDs. You don't know where or what your other man has been up to. It's a matter of personal safety. You wouldn't want your husband to have symptoms and trip to the Dr. and find out he had an STD. 
I advocate for telling the spouse when one has been unfaithful. I'm going to let that go for now.


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## somegirl (Oct 20, 2010)

I am not going to tell my husband, what for? It is over and if I decide to leave him it will be for me and not for anyone else.
It's just funny how people change when they have to face reality, my lover just got scared and he does not want to take any responsibility. It is fine, it's his choice.

To major misfit, there are different situations in life when you make wrong choices, the other guy actually helped me to understand what I need and also helped me to understand that even people you trust completely can deceive you and cause pain.
At the end of a day we are left with choices we made and with people who are on our side.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

> the other guy actually helped me to understand what I need and also helped me to understand that even people you trust completely can deceive you and cause pain.


If your husband knew about your affair, he would know this statement to be only too true. But then he doesn't know, does he? 

I'm not going to tell you what you want to hear. Not my style. I believe that a person has a right to know what is going on in their life. Maybe your husband doesn't want to be married to a cheater? You aren't giving him the choice. He's married to a cheater. Having an affair is a selfish act...and your refusal to even consider your husband's side of this echos that loudly. 

I don't think at this point in your life you have the maturity to be married to anyone. You need to spend some time with yourself and figure out what you really want in life. You have to be happy with yourself. Looking for a man to provide happiness (or financial security) for you is placing too much burden on the other person. What redeeming qualities have YOU brought to the marriage? 

Chances are pretty good that your husband isn't happy either. He's just the poor guy sitting in the dark not knowing what his wife is REALLY up to. He might suspect, but he doesn't know for sure. And you won't be honest enough to tell him, and POSSIBLY make something good out of this mess you've gotten the both of you into.


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

Wow this was a sad read, "somegirl" cheats on her husband who she admits she only was with for the $$$$, then jerks the other guy around, because she cant decide if she wants good sex or $$$ more, then the other guy gets tired of her BS,tells her to FO and she acts like she was the one who ended it ??? I hope your husband has a good pre-nup and lawyer and leaves your selfish greedy ass too. I cant believe there are such lowlife women out there, grow up lady!


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## somegirl (Oct 20, 2010)

franklinfx said:


> Wow this was a sad read, "somegirl" cheats on her husband who she admits she only was with for the $$$$, then jerks the other guy around, because she cant decide if she wants good sex or $$$ more, then the other guy gets tired of her BS,tells her to FO and she acts like she was the one who ended it ??? I hope your husband has a good pre-nup and lawyer and leaves your selfish greedy ass too. I cant believe there are such lowlife women out there, grow up lady!


I married my husband when he had nothing and we worked together to get where we are now, so yes, no pre-nup. 
And yes the other guy ended it because he was tired of my BS, I admit it.
How many women would choose good sex over financial stability?


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

somegirl said:


> I married my husband when he had nothing and we worked together to get where we are now, so yes, no pre-nup.
> And yes the other guy ended it because he was tired of my BS, I admit it.
> How many women would choose good sex over financial stability?


Damn, I admire your honesty, but boy are you shallow. Ever heard of loyalty, character, morality? You seem to only care about your own selfish needs, like $ and sex, ever think about the pain you cause others? Classic entitlement mentality. Oh im sure you both "worked together". You probably dont even cook or clean, your the type that sits around the house watching jerry springer and the view, while your husband busts his ass to give you the good life, and this is how you repay him? Sorry to be a dooch(not really) but you need a reality check darling.


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## somegirl (Oct 20, 2010)

franklinfx said:


> Damn, I admire your honesty, but boy are you shallow. Ever heard of loyalty, character, morality? You seem to only care about your own selfish needs, like $ and sex, ever think about the pain you cause others? Classic entitlement mentality. Oh im sure you both "worked together". You probably dont even cook or clean, your the type that sits around the house watching jerry springer and the view, while your husband busts his ass to give you the good life, and this is how you repay him? Sorry to be a dooch(not really) but you need a reality check darling.


That's funny how men have a perception about women. I've worked as a software security and database consultant for some big companies, for the last few years I could afford just to take part time contracts and have more free time. I make a good salary, so we did "work together". My husband is an executive at the big company and he is always working or on business trips or business dinners. I've been lonely and found someone to spend time with, but to leave my husband means huge step down for me. Yes, I like my big house and last model BMW, you can judge me all you want, but aren't we all selling ourselves one way or another?


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

No, we're not all selling ourselves. That's an odd way of looking at things. No man in his right mind would want what you're "selling".


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

A man who would hook up with a married woman is not in his right mind.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

somegirl said:


> So, I decided to bluff and tell my lover I'm leaving my husband and see his reaction. May be it is mean, but I had to do it.
> He sent me a text the next day telling that he is over me and does not love me anymore and I should not contact him ever again.
> Ha ha, that's how you see the real face...I am relieved and even kinda happy


He got what he wanted.

Hope it was worth it.


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## Jones (Sep 15, 2010)

so if your husband has such a good job why not leave him as he will still have to support you via alimony. He is well rid of you. Tell him about the affair and let him decide if paying half his wage in alimony is better than having to live with a cheater. You say you can make a good wage on your own and with the alimony you should be ok financially.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I have a feeling that their isn't much passion in 'somegirl' s marriage because her husband knows who she is. 

She is shallow and cruel and doesn't care about him the way a wife should. When you are married and live together for a while, you can't hide your true self. So her husband knows how shallow she is. Just like her lover, who also ditched her once he saw what she truly is and had his fun with her.

Nice BMW and probably a lot of fun to f...ck, but not someone you want to be stuck with. Her husband is probably feeling stuck with her. Not a great environment for creating a lot of passion.


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## mattphx (Oct 26, 2010)

WOW Somegirl you are a piece of work classic snob. Tell your husband the truth so he can see who you really are and leave your a**. I just have one question for ou. Who the hell do you think ou are?


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

827Aug said:


> Most books I've read say that "in love" stage of a relationship lasts from 18 months to two years. What are you going to do when this stage passes with the new guy? Then move on to someone else? Marriage requires a lot of work. What's currently going on isn't fair to either man.


Well said. The OP sounds too immature and selfish to have a true relationship. 
I think that she should be alone for a while.


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