# online affair



## beachgirl1 (Dec 14, 2013)

A few months ago i was home alone for the weekend started playing a game online met a person from another country we started to talk after a couple of games that evening he sent me a pic of him and i returned the favor. nothing bad we continued to chat then got on another app to text back and forth we seemed to really hit it off got along great had a online affair by sending pics to each other. We even wanted to met some how either he come to me or i go to him...problem im married have 2 grown kids. My husband found out about 3 weeks into the affair. He blew up after a week or so my husband and i worked thru it. But my online lover contacted my again to see if i was ok and we started up again. Not only was i involved with him but with a couple other guys. I have no idea WHY i am doing this!!!! I do love my husband but for whatever reason i continue to do this! Does anyone have any response to this?? I will tell more if need be. I just need help!!!


----------



## motherofone (Jan 10, 2013)

Try some Individual counseling. Also delete block or remove yourself from these situations. Put your phone in a timeout box if you have to.


----------



## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

i disagree with motherofone just divorce your husband he deserves way way better than you. no you do not love your husband or you would not do this. you will not change and you proved this by not only having 1 online bf at first adding more to it as you go.

again just divorce the man you hate so much to cause him all this pain.


----------



## TheFlood117 (Mar 24, 2013)

2 grown kids, you don't respect your hubby or marriage, you want to "explore" things with other men. I see no reason to stay in this marriage. I really don't. 

Divorce amicably. Set your hubby free.

Or you could tell him to come here, and we will take it from there.


----------



## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

I do agree if with the others. If you really did love your husband and want your family you would not do this at all. Its clear you are not really interested in a committed relationship. You should sit your husband down and tell him everything. If he decides to stay with you send him to this site. The people here can help him with all the things he is going to go through. If he decides to divorce you which I personally think he should. He deserves a much better woman. You kids deserve a better woman in there lives too. There are lots of decent women out there that will show your children the right way to be a mother and give them the love and security that you do not. 


Clay


----------



## beachgirl1 (Dec 14, 2013)

i have been with this man over half of my life we have had problems through out the years..verbal abuse by him to me. but I have always forgiven. I see us being together for the rest of our lives but i feel like i need reassurance from other men. I have not had a real affair it has all been online which started as flirting.


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

beachgirl1 said:


> my *online lover *contacted my again to see if i was ok and we started up again. Not only was i involved with him but with a couple other guys.


What type of pics and chat are you doing? Really sexually explicit stuff? On top of that, are there "I love you's" too?

How is your sex life with your husband?

When do you do your online guys and what is your husband doing while you are doing it?


----------



## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

Your really kidding yourself if you think that just talking to someone online is not cheating. 

Have you considered getting counseling. You really don't sound like you are really sure what's right and what is wrong. 

Arguing and having disagreements with your husband is no way shape or form the same as cheating. 

Clay


----------



## TheFlood117 (Mar 24, 2013)

beachgirl1 said:


> i have been with this man over half of my life we have had problems through out the years..verbal abuse by him to me. but I have always forgiven. I see us being together for the rest of our lives but i feel like i need reassurance from other men. I have not had a real affair it has all been online which started as flirting.


Aaahh, the blame-shifting and rewriting marital history is strong with this one. I sense a great disturbance in the boundary and conflict avoidance issues.


----------



## beachgirl1 (Dec 14, 2013)

There have been no "i love yous" sex life with my husband is great! the pics have been revealing but not naked not of me anyway. he is doing other things when i have done this. i do know what is right and wrong and i KNOW this is wrong I need help! Im trying to understand why I do this. Its like a thrill chatting and knowing I will never follow through with the act. I know it does not make any sense


----------



## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

Your doing this because something inside of you is broken. You really need to get counseling. Maybe you don't feel that connection to your husband anymore so you seek it from others. Maybe you are not inlove with your husband and you want that feeling again. 

Your not going to really be able to heal until you stop everything you are doing. No online games. No email accounts. No phone calls to OM. Just stop all together and get help in counseling. 

If you don't learn how to control yourself you really should leave your husband. It really is not fair to him and your kids. They do deserve better. 


Clay


----------



## beachgirl1 (Dec 14, 2013)

Yes Clay I do!!! And I appreciate you being kind in what you are saying. Although the comments by others have really made me think of the choices I have made. I wish I knew what is broken in me!! This is driving me crazy!!!


----------



## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

I think in order for you to start figuring out what is wrong with you, you will need to come completely clean with your husband. 

Address this problem as you really want help. Show him you are remorseful and hopefully he will go to counceling with you and help you work towards leading a healthy life. 

If you do not do this I would just leave him. 

What you are doing is so destructive to your family you really don't even know the damage you are causing. It will last years. It will come back and haunt you in ways you can not even imagine. It will cost your heart so much pain it is not even worth it ever.

Clay


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

beachgirl1 said:


> We even wanted to met some how either he come to me or i go to him...
> 
> knowing I will never follow through with the act.


You were talking about a meeting. It was not just talk, even if you think it was now. If other guy showed up in your city and gave you a call, asked you to meet up, I am guessing you would find a way to do it, even if out of feeling bad for leading him on, and things could go from there.


----------



## beachgirl1 (Dec 14, 2013)

Thank you Clay! I hope to sit with him tonight or tomorrow and talk this out. Any other advise or bashing from others I will accept!! As I need to be broken down to get back up on the right track!


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

beachgirl1 said:


> Im trying to understand why I do this. Its like a thrill


You do it because you like it.

Why do people go on rollercoasters?

Why do people try drugs?

You are not too old to discover and enjoy new things. However, this new thing you have discovered you enjoy may not be worth the cost in terms of losing your husband.


----------



## beachgirl1 (Dec 14, 2013)

Yes Will, but I knew I was not going to his country and I was 99.9% he was not coming here either. But I get what you are saying, i might have met him I wouldn't know for sure unless that had happened tho.


----------



## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

Life is what you make of it. If you don't like the way your life is then you have to make it better. 

Today write a list of what you think your issues our. Then tonight sit him down and be very honest with him. Show him you love him and care of him. Tell him you are wrong for what you have done and you accept full and complete responsibility for your actions. Tell him you want to change and be a better person. As for his help. 


Schedule counseling and marriage counseling if you can. 

Talk to your family make them aware of your misdoings. As for there support and help. 

Surround your self with good people. 

Clay


----------



## ScorchedEarth (Mar 5, 2013)

You're a weak individual with no self-esteem, so you have to find others to validate you, and you don't care about what or who you destroy in the process.


----------



## TheFlood117 (Mar 24, 2013)

beachgirl1 said:


> Yes Clay I do!!! And I appreciate you being kind in what you are saying. Although the comments by others have really made me think of the choices I have made. I wish I knew what is broken in me!! This is driving me crazy!!!


It's easy. It really is. I already told you what's wrong with you. But I'll simplify it easier for you:

You are/have the following issues traits- 

Conflict avoidance issues- instead of talking about things that upset you or make you uncomfortable you keep them hidden and they fester, until you start behaving in a passive aggressive manor. 

Boundary issues- need I really say more. You play a video game- probably World of Warcraft or some other derpy MMO or Iphone/facebook game, anyway's you play this game. Chat with other men, start sexing them up and send pics of yourself. To complete strangers. Duh. 

Low self esteem/high self monitor/. You crave male attention. You're probably attractive. Probably an 8/10 or higher on the looks, but you have, your entire life, put value in yourself by the males that give you attention and how many you got chasing you around. 

How am I doing? 

Answer. 

Therapy. Individual therapy and introspective reflection and perhaps a hobby or passion that you do that builds character- i.e. volunteering or running a local charity. 


And tell your husband.


----------



## beachgirl1 (Dec 14, 2013)

Yes Will, but I knew I was not going to his country and I was 99.9% he was not coming to mine. And I might have if he had of come to me, but knowing the pain Im causing my husband...no


----------



## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

What country do you live in and where your friend live ?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

beachgirl1 said:


> A few months ago i was home alone for the weekend started playing a game online


Bad idea right out of the gate. Playing online games while your husband is out of town? Stay off the internet when you are lonely and vulnerable. The last place you want to go is some online game site where marital interlopers are prowling left and right. They will feed on your insecurities and your naivety.



beachgirl1 said:


> met a person from another country


Strike 2. The further they are away from your world, the more intense the fantasy and subsequent infatuation. You don't know this guy, you know 5% of him and 95% just what your imagination is telling you about his life. He could be married, have six kids, and four other women on a string, you could be number six!

You think the window he had open with you was the only window he had open? He wasn't chatting up any other woman? Just you right?

You have no idea how many women he's worked this game on... and how many he will continue to work on after you are out of the picture.

Don't be naive enough to think you are his one and only... Most people here will just laugh if you try to sell us that one...

Online meet ups are not reality based. They are fantasies. Not unlike watching a movie star on a big screen. It's not real. And you fell for it hook and line...



beachgirl1 said:


> we started to talk after a couple of games


Strike three. Talking, with men online, that hang out in online game sites, while you are alone and vulnerable?

You really are new at this aren't' you?



beachgirl1 said:


> that evening he sent me a pic of him


He moves fast.



beachgirl1 said:


> and i returned the favor.


Strike.. FOUR!!!

Let me ask a question...

Since when did the following ever become a favor?

_
Sending photos of oneself to married women...
_

When did this become a social convention categorized as a favor?

Who is he doing a favor for? Certainly not your husband...

You are allowing him to use you. That is the nature of this transaction, and you are using him. It's a sleazy, deceitful exchange founded in disrespect and fantasy.

This is nothing even close to a "favor." 



beachgirl1 said:


> nothing bad


Really? Seriously? You would advocate your female friends to do this when their husband's are out of town would you?



beachgirl1 said:


> we continued to chat...


You aren't "chatting".. what this is called is "cheating..."

You continued to _cheat_.



beachgirl1 said:


> then got on another app to text back and forth


You mean to cheat... you got on another app to cheat more directly.



beachgirl1 said:


> we seemed to really hit it off got along great


Sure, he's some unknown man from who knows where married to who knows who and lying and cheating with you while your husband is out of town... who wouldn't get along with a guy who behaves like that with a married woman?

Females with self respect would not get along great with a guy like that.

You may want to try those shoes on...



beachgirl1 said:


> had a online affair by sending pics to each other.


You think that's when the cheating starts? When the pictures start getting passed around???

The cheating starts when you engage any man in a way you would not if your husband was watching.

_If you wouldn't do it with your husband there in the room watching you - it's cheating_.

My guess is that happened long before the photos were sent.



beachgirl1 said:


> We even wanted to meet some how either he come to me or i go to him...


meet? Right, you want to "meet".. is that what the kids are calling this nowadays???

You don't find this man's behavior at all unsavory???

Does that not creep you out? Imagine this was your married daughter and he was pursuing her to "meet" him... what would you have to say???



beachgirl1 said:


> problem im married have 2 grown kids.


How were you able to raise two children with maturity this far off the mark???



beachgirl1 said:


> My husband found out about 3 weeks into the affair.


He's lucky he caught this creep early on...



beachgirl1 said:


> He blew up


And you wouldn't???



beachgirl1 said:


> after a week or so my husband and i worked thru it.


I wonder how that went based on all the blame shifting, self righteousness, and misrepresentation going on in your post so far?



beachgirl1 said:


> But my online lover contacted my again


He's not a lover. These are called online p r e d a t o r s.

Say it with me...

_Predator._

Try it one more time...

_Predator.
_

These people prey on vulnerable women and exploit them for sex.

You were the target of a user. Your husband just saved your a$$.



beachgirl1 said:


> to see if i was ok


Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuure... sure.. 

More like he was "worried" about his next meal...



beachgirl1 said:


> and we started up again.


How on earth could that happen???

I forgot.. when the man you love turns his back on you, you lie, cheat, and disrespect him. You do this to the point you will invite predators into your home over the internet to violate your marriage and your spouse's dignity.

That's how that happens. You love your husband until his back is turned.. then you begin to love yourself to the point you are willing to disrespect yourself with some internet creep.



beachgirl1 said:


> Not only was i involved with him


And he with you... involved in what?

You and he were not "involved".. _you and he were cheating_.. try saying it again..

_Cheating.
_

Don't romanticize this.. _what you are doing is cheating_. 

You both were cheating your husband out of an committed relationship. He turns his back and you both put your hands in the til.

_It's lying, it's sleazy, and it's disrespectful to your partner, your children, you, and your home.
_



beachgirl1 said:


> but with a couple other guys.


These are not "guys".. these are creepy man-children who are borderline pedophiles.



beachgirl1 said:


> I have no idea WHY i am doing this!!!!


Who cares!!!???

Just stop doing it.

You behave this way towards your home, your children, and your spouse, and the only thing you can ask is more selfishness? You ask a question about YOU?

How about :

a. how do I protect my home from this threat?
b. how do I protect my husband from this?
c. how do I protect my children?
d. how do I protect me?

_Why not ask those questions???
_



beachgirl1 said:


> I do love my husband


Until is back is turned.. until his back is turned...



beachgirl1 said:


> but for whatever reason


The reason is irrelevant. Stopping it is what matters.



beachgirl1 said:


> i continue to do this! Does anyone have any response to this??


Read em and weep.



beachgirl1 said:


> I will tell more if need be. I just need help!!!


You don't' need help, _you need to stop_.

*Just stop it*.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

terrence4159 said:


> i disagree with motherofone just divorce your husband he deserves way way better than you. no you do not love your husband or you would not do this. you will not change and you proved this by not only having 1 online bf at first adding more to it as you go.
> 
> again just divorce the man you hate so much to cause him all this pain.


Terrence, you are not helping. Really, you are not.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Stop it. NOW!*

Get off that game site, too.

Throw yourself at your husband's feet. 

And love him and only him.

Get counselling, too.


----------



## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

beachgirl1 said:


> I have no idea WHY i am doing this!!!! I do love my husband but for whatever reason i continue to do this! Does anyone have any response to this?? I will tell more if need be. I just need help!!!


Who are you trying to fool Beachgirl? You know why you're doing it. In a nutshell. 1. You have a lower respect for the institution of marriage than you need to have. (i.e. you believe diddling around with other men, behind your husband's back, is not a bad thing) 2. Your love and interest in your husband in not high enough to prevent you from seeking excitement and attention from other men.
Remember, when a married chick can easily "hit it off" with another guy, it means she's not concerned with protecting her marriage or her husbands trust. You're weren't like a horse in a bridle that was led to water. You loped on down to the internet watering hole because that's where you wanted to go.


----------



## Daisy10 (Nov 10, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> *Stop it. NOW!*
> 
> Get off that game site, too.
> 
> ...



This x 100


----------



## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

beachgirl1 said:


> I have no idea WHY i am doing this!!!! I do love my husband but for whatever reason i continue to do this!


Do you want to know why you do this?

_Because you can._

Yup, it's that simple.

It will forever shock me how people can be naively idealistic about long term commitment.

So many people go into a long term relationship thinking once they have formally made a monogamous commitment, that they will _somehow be immune to infatuation from anyone else_.

*This is bull.
*
As if getting married, or moving in with someone somehow gives you some mystic powers.

*It does not.*

Anyone can become infatuated with someone, married or single.

There are two points of interest - life is largely a series of interesting choices...

a. put yourself into a position where you may become infatuated with someone other than your spouse

or

b. don't

c. act on that infatuation

or

d. reject it

You, made the foolish mistake of doing A and C.

Most people will choose B and D. Some will do A and D.

Having a ring on your finger does not transform how your brain works. You are prone to the same infatuations that single women may have. Nothing is going to stop that other than your mature choices to behave otherwise and avoid these situations.

This is not some mystical sign that means you need to leave your husband. This is not some indicator that you don't have feelings for your husband anymore.

There is no cosmic answer to your question, no matter how earnestly you search for it.

So many silly people will rationalize themselves into leaving, and divorcing, all because they chose to act on impulses like an adolescent.

There is no cosmic answer here.


Doing what you do just means you are immature.

You aren't a teenager anymore. You are an adult.

You need to act like one.

It's that simple.


----------



## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

How would you feel if your husband was doing to you behind your back what you have been doing to him? You are disrespecting and humiliating your husband and marriage. You are extremely self-destructive and will probably destroy your marriage in the process. Maybe on some level you actually desire this and are willing to give a reason for your husband to divorce you.


----------



## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

If your hubby had filed for divorce, would you have kept cheating?


----------



## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Your behavior is based on a lack of respect or perceived lack of respect. The OM were a self indulging boost to your ego, it is like a drug. However this behavior does not help your situation and will lead to the demise of the relationship in the end. 

Additionally, how do you know he is overseas? How do you know the pictures are real? All you know is that you told a lot of personal information to a stranger. This is how identity theft is started, many people create passwords based on kids names, anniversaries, etc. These affairs are fantasy, but they aren't harmless. You are a big girl, time to put on your big girl pants and put in the work to fix this relationship.


----------



## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

VFW said:


> Additionally, how do you know he is overseas? How do you know the pictures are real? All you know is that you told a lot of personal information to a stranger. This is how identity theft is started, many people create passwords based on kids names, anniversaries, etc. These affairs are fantasy, but they aren't harmless. You are a big girl, time to put on your big girl pants and put in the work to fix this relationship.


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:


----------



## beachgirl1 (Dec 14, 2013)

the pictures are real he is overseas. I found him on a search engine and on facebook. I appreciate all the comments i am working through this with my husband. For whatever reason he loves me and I do not deserve his love at all!!! I wanted other peoples advise/opinion on what I have done that is why i decided to post on here. I am at work and my husband just called to tell me that he loves me more than anything. I plan to work through this with his help and with the help of the comments that you are giving me please continue


----------



## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

beachgirl1 said:


> the pictures are real he is overseas.


Do you know how easy it is to falsify a facebook account?

Do you know how many online predators pretend to be "overseas?"

You really need to get more internet savvy...

There's no point in arguing about OM anyways.. he's gone...

Just realize you don't know if he's married, single, divorced, or even his real name. You don't know anyone he knows... it's all fantasy and internet heresay...

It's ridiculously easy to falsify an identity over the internet. Don't think you have it all figured out and can trust this guy.

Question : does he know you are married and that you have children?


----------



## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

beachgirl1 said:


> I am at work and my husband just called to tell me that he loves me more than anything.


The questions are how much do you love him and has your romantic interest in him started to dwindle. Generally a woman crazy in love with her mate is not going to get caught up in flirting with other guys. Albeit, I understand how the verbal abuse you mentioned can point you to this road.


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

What you do is share FB with your husband, no separate ones, a shared one. Have your husband put a keylogger on your computer. You be totally open and transparent. Your temptation is something that can be stopped, but you must share this with your husband.

Why are you doing this? You know far better then any of us here on TAM. Kill this and stop it. It is that easy.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Thorburn is right.
If you want help then ask the man you love the most to help you.

Hell if you can't stop atleast let your old man know you need help and show him why!


----------



## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

beachgirl1 said:


> i have been with this man over half of my life we have had problems through out the years..verbal abuse by him to me. but I have always forgiven. I see us being together for the rest of our lives but i feel like i need reassurance from other men. I have not had a real affair it has all been online which started as flirting.


 You say he's verbally abusive. Was that before or after he found out about your stupidity.

Reason why I'm asking is if you thought there was trouble before and he's forgiven you for the first dumb on line affair and he finds out about the second and third guy, then sweetie your in for a ton of "You ain't seen nothing yet." 

How many chances to you think you deserve? He gave you one and your spitting it back in his face. 

Maybe your not grateful for the chance he gave you but but you can't even accept his effort to put things back to normal and because of that, your going to find yourself in a real serious life changing experience when he opens the front door and tell you to go be with the guy and if you can't afford a ticket to fly overseas, then I hope your a good swimmer.

Try having a heart since you don't have a conscience and start acting like a wife and give the husband a break. This isn't just about your husband but your family that your stepping on.


----------



## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

and he may not give you a 2nd chance he is going to be on a roller coaster ride for the next 2 years minimum he can and may call it quits at anytime. be prepared for this ride its not going to be pretty.


----------

