# What is your definition of verbal abuse in a relationship?



## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

I ask because people have different tolerant levels so one person just being angry to one person may be abusive to the other? What are you willing to take and when does it turn into verbal abuse?


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

There was a lot I would take... one phrase that would set me off with her though was "piece of sh*t". I know that I'm not one and she doesn't say it anymore.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

It's ok to be angry. It's not ok to be mean.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Watching a movie with my wife is painful. Either she's asleep through half of it or she's getting up every 5 minutes (literally every 5 minutes) to get something to eat, have a smoke, go to the bathroom, etc. and then asks an endless barrage of questions - dozens and dozens of questions about what's going on who is this who is that etc etc. I blew up a few days ago and told her I wasn't going to be her Cliff Notes anymore and I'm god damned sick of answering her questions, especially when she repeats some of the same ones over and over. 

So apparently I was being abusive and now she grabs the remote and pauses the movie - EVERY FIVE MINUTES and continues to get up and wander around doing whatever the hell she wants. 

So...I think movies are over....because I'm the abusive one, seemingly.


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## Bigrascal (Aug 12, 2011)

I think much of it has to do with how the "verbal abuse" makes you feel. My w would tell me I would never be successful, I wouldn't make a good father, that I said stupid things, that I had no money, that a job making a high six figure salary wasn't enough.

These things didn't seem particularly bad to me when she was saying them, but my gut didn't feel right. Overtime, my self esteem took a dive. I actually was used to people criticizing me and expected it. She also tried to isolate me from my friends a bit (classic abuser behavior). 

What JoeKidd says is interesting and I agree. If what she is saying has no basis in reality - it's certainly a sign that something is very very wrong. For me the abuse was kinda subtle - no knock down drag out name calling - just slow and subtle criticism that ate away at me.

Was it abusive - yes.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I think it's generally a trump card in an argument. Like hurling a racial epithet at someone. Case closed discussion over. My wife likes to use the word 'abuse' gratuitously. Everything is abuse up to and including not saying anything at all in response to her, or just disagreeing with her. It's meant to end all discussion then and there and she can go off and sulk and pout and grumble for the next several days.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

When my ex called me a C-U-N-T, I was gone. My daughter didn't need to hear that crap...hell no.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

My wife once called me a murderer to our kids.


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## Crystal22 (Sep 23, 2011)

Shouting at people. 
Nasty names


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

that_girl said:


> When my ex called me a C-U-N-T, I was gone. My daughter didn't need to hear that crap...hell no.


That was my go to word when I wanted to hurt her. I regret I ever used it. Unfortunately she heard it alot after D-Day.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

joe kidd said:


> That was my go to word when I wanted to hurt her. I regret I ever used it. Unfortunately she heard it alot after D-Day.


You are blessed she let this one go. This word is unforgivable to me.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I usually reserve the most offensive outbursts to Russian or Afrikaans.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

I am extremely lucky NEVER to have been verbally abused by a partner. But I think it is what hurts that person. It might not bother one person to be called "fat", it's not even a swearword, but someone else who has struggled with her weight her whole life, it might be very abusive. For someone else, being called "useless" might make them roll their eyes, someone else might be terribly hurt by that. Words are combinations of sounds: their power over the person to whom they are directed is what matters, not the WORD itself. If a man called his wife a c-u-n-t but neither spouse spoke English, it's not abuse. So all that matters is how it makes the hearer feel - and I suppose also what the speaker's intentions were. If someone says something that is very hurtful to you without intending to, it can still be very hurtful but I'd be afraid to call it abuse.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

See, Omega, I think the opposite.

I think it's the person's intent. If someone means to hurt me, whether or not I get hurt, then it's abuse. They are doing it to cause me turmoil and that's not ok. If you love someone, why would you want to hurt them?


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## brokencovenant (Oct 2, 2011)

I agree that it is the person's intent, but how can you know the person's intent? Sometimes people just say mean and stupid things without knowing how it makes someone feel.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

that_girl, yeah, you definitely are right that intent is important. I think in 90% of cases, the intention and the result match up. (He meant to hurt her, she got hurt. That's abuse.) 

It's when they don't match up that it gets dicey: He didn't mean to hurt her, she got hurt. He bears responsibility: he ought to have a certain basic concept of what kinds of things hurt her. She also bears responsibility: she should be able to recognize that he didn't mean to do it. Is that abuse? I think it can be, even if he didn't mean it, especially if the speaker has been remiss in his responsibility to understand the spouse's needs and what kinds of things are hurtful to her. 

Or, what if he meant to hurt her, but she didn't care. Is that abuse? I don't know - is it abuse to call your spouse "a big dummy" if you personally think that they are in fact a big dummy? You meant it to STING, but, well, she burst out laughing. 

Like I said, I've never been the target of verbal abuse (or physical abuse - and I totally get it that I'm very lucky), (and I really don't know - I'm just thinking out loud) - part of why I find this discussion so interesting!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Misunderstandings are fine with me. If my husband does something and I get hurt from it but he had no intent, then....fine. Sometimes, when you get hurt it's because you are what they say lol ...that's what I find anyway.

If someone means to hurt me, and I don't get hurt-- well, that rarely happens. People who mean to hurt you usually are close to you so 10 to 1 you'll be hurt just knowing they are trying to hurt you.

Thankfully my husband has never said an ill word to me  He's voiced his discontent, etc but NEVER cursed, name called, etc. 

I have never called him out of name but I have said things with a bad tone of voice. Sarcasm is not our friend.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

To me verbal abuse doesn't have to be name calling or even swearing at one another but just speaking in a condescending tone over and over again. I get swore at but that's just how he talks but another would view it as him tearing me apart.


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## sxLess (Oct 3, 2011)

I agree with (and will elaborate on) what SepticChange said.

My last relationship, which I ended about a year ago, lasted 11 years, 8 of which were verbally and (extremely) emotionally abusive. 

You'll know someone is being verbally abusive when the things they say have more than one meaning and can be tied to some form of negative emotional response from you. You will almost never find verbal abuse without emotional abuse. If someone is saying something verbally abusive to you, they're trying to hurt you emotionally. It's just the way it works. Someone who loves you doesn't constantly call you an A-Hole or a D-Bag. There are times when the other person may be joking with you about it if you're playing around, however. You need to know your partner and their tones of voice and mannerisms before you can conclude whether or not you're being verbally abused. 

If you try to talk to your partner about it and it results in more name calling, guilt-trips or blame on you: I have some bad news for you. Try to get out of it ASAP because, trust me, you don't want to make the same mistake I did. You don't want to give 11 years of your life to an abuser and a manipulator.


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## grenville (Sep 21, 2011)

omega said:


> It's when they don't match up that it gets dicey: He didn't mean to hurt her, she got hurt. He bears responsibility: he ought to have a certain basic concept of what kinds of things hurt her. She also bears responsibility: she should be able to recognize that he didn't mean to do it.


Ain't that the truth? It's got to the point with my wife that I can't ask her what time she'll be ready to leave the house to go somewhere (in an entirely reasonable and calm voice a couple of hours in advance of the event) without her thinking I'm having a major go at her. I really think that some people are so basically imcompatable that, regardless of them both being nice, decent, well balanced people, it's impossible for them to have a relationship without one or both parties feeling like victims.


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## grenville (Sep 21, 2011)

sxLess said:


> Someone who loves you doesn't constantly call you an A-Hole or a D-Bag.


I wish it were so simple for me, I could easily walk away from something as clear-cut as that as could, I suspect, many people. It's the subtle, quite likely unconscious stuff, that is really hard to deal with.


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## sxLess (Oct 3, 2011)

grenville said:


> I wish it were so simple for me, I could easily walk away from something as clear-cut as that as could, I suspect, many people. It's the subtle, quite likely unconscious stuff, that is really hard to deal with.


It isn't that simple for anyone. As I mentioned, I've been there and it was not so clear cut and easy. Those are just the obvious signs of it. It's different for everyone unfortunately. When you're with a manipulator and you've tried talking and working on it to no avail, there's nothing you can say or do that changes anything. You have to leave.


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

I lived with a verbal abuser longer than I care to admit. So I know a little about verbal abuse. Some people think verbal abuse is all about shouting and calling names. But it is so much more than that. My stbx rarely raised his voice and only called me a ***** once in our entire marriage. But when I tell other victims of verbal abuse about him they say he is one of the worse cases they ever heard about. 

Verbal and emotional abuse is mainly about control and is designed to wear down the self esteem and confidence of the victim. Make no mistake about it, verbal/emotional abuse is just as bad as physical abuse. I've heard it said that physical abuse leaves mark on your body but verbal abuse leaves marks on your soul. Many women who have been both physically and verbally/emotionally abused have said the verbal abuse was the worse form of abuse. I know personally when my husband was at his worse I wished he would just hit me and get it out of his system so he would just leave me alone. 

Here are some warning signs that you are in a verbally/emotionally abusive relationship. . . . . . 

Abuse Signs


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Watching a movie with my wife is painful. Either she's asleep through half of it or she's getting up every 5 minutes (literally every 5 minutes) to get something to eat, have a smoke, go to the bathroom, etc. and then asks an endless barrage of questions - dozens and dozens of questions about what's going on who is this who is that etc etc. I blew up a few days ago and told her I wasn't going to be her Cliff Notes anymore and I'm god damned sick of answering her questions, especially when she repeats some of the same ones over and over.
> 
> So apparently I was being abusive and now she grabs the remote and pauses the movie - EVERY FIVE MINUTES and continues to get up and wander around doing whatever the hell she wants.
> 
> So...I think movies are over....because I'm the abusive one, seemingly.


Um...very annoying. Ever have just a chat about how annoying it is to try to watch a movie and have your spouse interrupt it because they don't want to sit and pay attention to what is going on? I mean...rather than just blowing up like that?


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

SadieBrown said:


> I lived with a verbal abuser longer than I care to admit. So I know a little about verbal abuse. Some people think verbal abuse is all about shouting and calling names. But it is so much more than that. My stbx rarely raised his voice and only called me a ***** once in our entire marriage. But when I tell other victims of verbal abuse about him they say he is one of the worse cases they ever heard about.
> 
> Verbal and emotional abuse is mainly about control and is designed to wear down the self esteem and confidence of the victim. Make no mistake about it, verbal/emotional abuse is just as bad as physical abuse. I've heard it said that physical abuse leaves mark on your body but verbal abuse leaves marks on your soul. Many women who have been both physically and verbally/emotionally abused have said the verbal abuse was the worse form of abuse. I know personally when my husband was at his worse I wished he would just hit me and get it out of his system so he would just leave me alone.
> 
> ...


OMG...maybe I shouldn't have read those. Something like 80% of it applied.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

SepticChange said:


> I ask because people have different tolerant levels so one person just being angry to one person may be abusive to the other? What are you willing to take and when does it turn into verbal abuse?


What am I willing to take? 

Neither my H or I would accept vindictive and purposefully hurtful slants from each other. We don't name call, we don't swear at each other. I'm more likely to swear in conversation than him and if I feel myself getting really frustrated in a disagreement to the point where I start swearing (or want to), that's usually when I reign myself back in and call time-out. I wouldn't swear AT him, just in dialogue.

We set our boundaries early on. I used to be a door-slammer. He followed me into the room and told me he expected more from me and he wouldn't put up with having doors slammed. That was the last time I slammed a door - 15 years ago. He rarely swears but it was also back then that I set the "no swearing at each other" rule. It works for us. We can be upset or annoyed but if it ever reaches a certain point, we remove ourselves to calm down so we don't say something we're likely to regret later. This has only happened a handful of times over the years. We also try to keep the disagreement relevant to whatever has caused the upset. 

This is what works for us. For others, swearing might not be a big deal but I wouldn't expect anything less. I can't imagine what it'd be like to be name-called and put down or given the silent treatment. Nope, I wouldn't be good with that.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

SepticChange said:


> To me verbal abuse doesn't have to be name calling or even swearing at one another but just speaking in a condescending tone over and over again. I get swore at but that's just how he talks but another would view it as him tearing me apart.


:iagree:

Tone and intent are key.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

stillme4you said:


> Um...very annoying. Ever have just a chat about how annoying it is to try to watch a movie and have your spouse interrupt it because they don't want to sit and pay attention to what is going on? I mean...rather than just blowing up like that?


Yeah tried that. Got nowhere. Got told if I don't like it don't watch. Last time I asked for the remote she threw it at my head.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

One word. Inconsiderate.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Obviously, verbal abuse is a subjective term. By that, I mean it depends on the context of the relationship in which the abuser-abusee find themselves. Putting down your parents? Speaking in a disrespectful tone about your driving? Making snarky comments about your cooking? See? It depends upon knowing where one's partner's hot buttons are located. What is considered a personal insult (thus, verbal abuse) to one couple, would have another couple cracking up in laughter.

If my husband insulted my cooking, I would be ticked off. Why? I went to freakin' cooking school, that's why. And I can make a beurre blanc (white sauce) better than anyone out there. I'm not as good at boning a chicken, but you get my point ...

Verbal abuse is any technique used with the purposeful intention of hurting/wounding another person's feelings. It can be everything from a tone of voice to the look on one's face when delivering the comment.

Bottom line: don't tolerate what YOU think is verbal abuse, because if it hurts you, it IS abuse. And, no, I'm not speaking of overly-sensitive people; just your average person. We can misconstrue things said to us at times, but the bottom line is, if our gut is churning and we feel hurt, then it is probably abuse we're hearing.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

I really don't distinguish between intentional and unintentional abuse since they both hurt and I don't think there is a person alive who can honestly claim that they never ever said something intentionally hurtful to their partner in anger.

For example, my w thinks that making jokes that belittle me is funny and that I don't have a sense of humor because I don't like them, especially in front of other people, which is her favorite place to do it. This is some kind of cultural or family of origin difference where she thinks it is OK and I don't.

Abusive speech is ubiquitous. What makes the difference to me is what happens afterward. If the receiver says "ouch, that hurt" and the thrower says "I'm sorry I hurt you. I promise to try my best not to hurt you again" then we are pretty much OK. When the thrower says "you're too sensitive", claims to be justified in being hurtful or otherwise refuses to apologize we are getting into dysfunctional territory.


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