# Forgive cheating before the wedding?



## MC81 (Aug 25, 2013)

Hello Everybody,
(First of all I'm sorry for any errors in my writing, but english isn't my first language)

I'm 32 years old and my wife is 30, we got married 6 years ago and we have a 4 years old beautiful son. Before we married we were dating for 12 years (I know, it's an eternity). 3 years before the wedding she worked for 6 weeks away from our city and met some new friends, after 4 weeks, I started to get a little jealous once she was talking about them like they were her idols. At this point (I recocnized afterwards that it was completely wrong), I took a pick at her emails and I saw an email were she was arranging a date with one of those new friends, I confronted her and she gone mad, because I saw her email... I felt guilty at the time, but she never could explain me properly the email, she said it was nothing wrong only a group of friends going out. She never speak about that again for the rest of the 2 weeks she was away from our city, but during this time the tension was very high and she said she lost trust on me. When she got back we didn't had any sex or more intimate moments for more than 2 months, and it took almost 1 year so we got back where we were. During this time she always told me that she never behaved unproperly, and nothing of what I could ever imagine has happened.
Things got better and we got married 3 years later, precisely one month after the wedding I found in our home PC a file from the msn messenger history, I oppened, without imagine what was on it..., it was a conversation of her with that guy from 3 years before, where I could read clearly one of her statements: "what happened between us 3 years ago was very good, but it was over back there and you must carry your life on" and one of his statements: "if I knew you were getting married I would interrupt the priest so you did got married".
I confronted her with this file, and she panic in the moment and cried all over, she said that they only had a very strong empathy and in the last day they kissed and that was only.. I was very confused, and despite she couldn't sware over her little sister, she made me believe (at the moment) that was only that kiss, and begged me pardon..I was very hurt be I forgived her and we carried on, but I was never sure...
2 weeks ago, I don't know why but the subject come up again, and this time I promised my self I wouldn't be on uncertainty again, and things got really hairy, so hairy that I told her if she didn't tel me me the whole truth I would ask for the divorce, after some crying she asked me if she tell me the truth I would stay with her as we were until now, I said yes...and she drop the bomb, she confessed they had sex at the time, but it was only once and (according to her) she felt really bad and sware never would happen again.
I LOVE her so much, and I think she behave good since then, because we are very close, I said I forgive her, and God knows I'm trying, but thinking all the lies during so long and also the fact everytime I touch her, I remember other guy touching her, I'm getting real trouble to deal with this situation.
She made me promise I wouldn't speak about the subject again, but I can't help thinking if this was all that happened...I'm going crazy inside my mind.

I love her and since that event, we had a very good life and a son.
Should I bring the subject up again?
Should I forget about it and carry on, after all it was 9 years ago and before the wedding?
I confess I have though about leaving her, but I can't imagine my life without her, despite this event we fit each other perfectely..
Has anyone been in the same situation? What to do?
HELP

Thanks
MC81


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## tainted (Aug 16, 2013)

Are you sure its over between the two of them or if there aren't other men? 

Talk to a lawyer but don't rush into any decisions, you're not able to think clearly. After that, make her take a polygraph test. 
Seek counseling for yourself, cause you will need it, and if you want to work on the marriage after the polygraph results, seek marriage counseling. 

Good luck


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

I think Elvis Presley said it best. 

"We can't go on together with suspicious minds."

I'm sorry, friend.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It takes the BS (betrayed spouse) 2-5 years to recover from infidelity.

She wants you to just forget this and never bring it up again? That's not doing to happen. Start by reading the sticky posts in this forum.


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## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

You should be able to talk about this until you are satisfied. Her being uncomfortable is something she needs to deal with if she want you heal. She committed the wrong You are the victim. It's up to her to make this right.

If you try to hold it in and never bring it up you will start to resent her, your love will die, and you'll end up divorced. You won't be able to hold it in and you'll bring it out in an unrelated argument. 

Most importantly, you will never be able to forgive her if she simply refuses to talk to you about this. Ultimately, you must forgive for the marriage to survive. If not you might as well save yourself some more wasted time and divorce now.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

MC81 said:


> Should I bring the subject up again?
> Should I forget about it and carry on, after all it was 9 years ago and before the wedding?
> I confess I have though about leaving her, but I can't imagine my life without her, despite this event we fit each other perfectely..
> Has anyone been in the same situation? What to do?
> ...



Yes. Yes you should. Dont rugsweep this.

No, dont forget it. You cant forget even if you tried.

As your mind work itself out (it'll take years, if ever), you'll come to realize that life with her the last few years were not built on reality. She withheld vital information from you. You did not make your choice with full knowledge of the type of person she is.

Your question should be if you want to be married to a woman who could do this to you, and how can you ever be sure she wont do it again.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Break the promise. If she gets mad, tell her that she's the one who cheated, lied and betrayed. If you let it go, she's going to think that if it happens again, she can cry her way out of it. She has to own up to her lies and deceit. I believe you when you say you love her, but it has to be a two way street and somewhere down the line a few years ago, she took a detour. Make her come clean and if your not satisfied with what she's saying, set up a polygraph appointment and if she truly wants to make it work and she's honest, she'll agree to it. If she balks at it, then you know there's more.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

May I ask what nationality you and your wife are?


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

MC81 said:


> Hello Everybody,
> (First of all I'm sorry for any errors in my writing, but english isn't my first language)
> 
> I'm 32 years old and my wife is 30, we got married 6 years ago and we have a 4 years old beautiful son. Before we married we were dating for 12 years (I know, it's an eternity). 3 years before the wedding she worked for 6 weeks away from our city and met some new friends, after 4 weeks, I started to get a little jealous once she was talking about them like they were her idols. *clasic cheater's slip*
> ...


Read this, please feel free to post any questions:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

What you are feeling is normal, you are not wrong, she is. I am sorry you are here.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

It's still about her and not about you. Sorry but she's going to run you over with the guilt of your love for the past XX years, your kid, breaking the family and hope you suck it up and take it like a man and move on with your life.

Don't let love blind you. Biggest mistake every BS makes. Your love is my secret weapon to keeping you and doing whatever I want.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

The very first thing you do is retract the promise to not talk about it again. You MUST talk about it. She betrayed you. She must tell you the truth and answer any and all questions you have for as long as you need.

Tell her this is standard operating procedure for attempting to recover from infidelity & she must comply. She has already lied to you enough. No more hiding the truth. No more sweeping under the rug.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> I confronted her and she gone mad, because I saw her email


The wrong one of you went mad. 

Might be worth thinking of having your child's DNA tested.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

CH said:


> It's still about her and not about you. Sorry but she's going to run you over with the guilt of your love for the past XX years, your kid, breaking the family and hope you suck it up and take it like a man and move on with your life.
> 
> Don't let love blind you. Biggest mistake every BS makes. Your love is my secret weapon to keeping you and doing whatever I want.


You can love her and still have respect for yourself. It is time to at least threaten polygraph. If she gets extremely defensive, you have your answer, file for divorce.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> The wrong one of you went mad.
> 
> Might be worth thinking of having your child's DNA tested.


I would DNA the kid just to show you can't trust a thing she says in my opinion.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

From what I have seen, cheating prior to, or early into a marriage weakens the bonds enough to result in serial cheating or the BS cheating years later.

It is the disillusionment I think.

I will tell my children that these two circumstances should be dealt with swiftly through divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Please I know you love her but the way you are acting is very codependant get ic for yourself.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Most definitely check the paternity of the child. It is easy, private and cheap. She does not need to participate or even know about it at this point. Should cost around 100-bucks. Google your options, PM me if you need help.

I would do this step first.

I would also keylog the PC and VAR her car.

Have both in place then confront and insist on a polygraph. Judge her reaction, it will speak volumes for you. Plan to follow thru with it and be prepared for a parking lot confession.

Do not rug sweep, it will bite you in the arse again.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

MC81 said:


> I'm 32 years old and my wife is 30, we *got married 6 years ago *and we have a 4 years old beautiful son. Before we married we were dating for 12 years (I know, it's an eternity). *3 years before the wedding *she worked for 6 weeks away from our city and met some new friends.
> 
> Things got better and we got married *3 years later*, precisely one month after the wedding I found in our home PC a file from the msn messenger history, I oppened, without imagine what was on it..., it was a conversation of her with that guy from 3 years before, where I could read clearly one of her statements: "*what happened between us 3 years ago was very good*, but it was over back there and you must carry your life on" and one of his statements: "if I knew you were getting married I would interrupt the priest so you did got married".


She doesn't seem like she has much character. She confessed out of fear that you would find out and leave her, after making you promise you wouldn't. She was pretty mean to you back then. She made you feel the one at fault, the sneak, while really it was her and your suspicion was well-founded. She would have let the situation carry on for the rest of your life if you hadn't brought it up.

Most unforgivable of all, three years later, a month after the wedding, she still was talking to the guy. Granted, it was good that she was telling him to forget it, but still, she wasn't about to let you know anything, even that she still kept in touch.

People can change, so can your wife, but did she? If not, will she? What has she done to prove to you that she has changed from that person who cheated on you and lied to you? To me, from what you posted, it seems she still is that same self-centered person, concerned only with how this whole mess affects her, with absolutely zero concern for you, except she's afraid you might leave her.

Now she has even told you that, not only do you have to stay with her, but on top of that, you are not even allowed to bring the subject up or talk about it. She is telling you what you are allowed to talk about and what you are not. And YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO TALK ABOUT ANYTHING UNLESS SHE SAYS YOU ARE ALLOWED TO. Maybe that last one is a bit overreaching. Maybe you should ask her to give you a list of things you are allowed to talk about and things you are not, so you don't get her upset and make her cry again.

I think she has demonstrated enough commitment to you by telling that other guy she's not interested for you to stay in the marriage and work on it; by the same token, I don't think you can trust anything she says. You have to look at her actions.

Of course, you have to talk about this thing, you have to find out why she did it, and you have to make sure that whatever that reason was, that it will not happen again. That is how you restore trust, at least a little - by making sure the problem that allowed her to make the decision to cheat, then to lie, is dealt with so it doesn't happen again. As best as you can. If you can't do that, you always are going to be suspicious. Right now, you once again are well justified in being suspicious, in wondering how much of the truth still is being withheld from you, and wondering if there isn't a lot more stuff that you don't know about.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

When was the last time she was in contact with this other guy who she cheated with?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

1. Stop apologizing for reading her email, you did nothing wrong,

Her on the other hand

2. Cheated on you

3. Years later continued to talk to the guy and tell him how wonderful cheating on you was. Where exactly was her so called guilt and remorse when she was reminiscing with her lover?

4. She lied to you back at the time

5. She lied to you at the wedding

6. She lied when you first confronted

7. She only told you they had sex after you agreed to her terms, which included never daring to question her again about her years or lies

8. She's still lying to you now. The exchange of his great it was isnt something two lovers write after a single ONS. It's what you write after and extended affair with lots of intimacy and I love you exchanged.


- I'd demand a polygraph
- DNA your kids
- find out his much she has been in contact with him through the years - including any hook ups after you got married.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

This thread seems akin to what Yogi Berra said, "It's like déjà vu all over again."


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> 1. Stop apologizing for reading her email, you did nothing wrong,
> 
> Her on the other hand
> 
> ...


Op you are getting great advice we are glad you came here but the reason you did is deep down you know you havn't gotten the truth and you know you can't live like this-no one can.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Her getting you to promise, was based on a lie---the whole agreed upon mge is based on a lie

You should bring up whatever you need to---to help heal yourself, and fix the mge if that is what you need

In all actuality---she needs to be doing ALL THE HEAVY LIFTING---to get this mge back on track


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

jnj express said:


> Her getting you to promise, was based on a lie---the whole agreed upon mge is based on a lie
> 
> You should bring up whatever you need to---to help heal yourself, and fix the mge if that is what you need
> 
> In all actuality---she needs to be doing ALL THE HEAVY LIFTING---to get this mge back on track


:iagree::iagree:


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

MC81 said:


> She made me promise I wouldn't speak about the subject again,


Sheesh. A cheater making demands to never be confronted with their cheating. 

She has been following all the classic cheater manipulative tactics including trickle truth. She had sex with him more than once.

If it didn't matter you would not have brought it up, and although you claim perfection in every other aspect of your relationship, the fact she is manipulating you like this makes me doubt that.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Sorry you find yourself here.The fact that according to your time frame you have been a couple since she was 12 makes me think that she may say anything to not lose what is basically the only relationship she has ever really known,other than with her family.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

MC81 said:


> Hello Everybody,
> (First of all I'm sorry for any errors in my writing, but english isn't my first language)
> 
> I'm 32 years old and my wife is 30, we got married 6 years ago and we have a 4 years old beautiful son. Before we married we were dating for 12 years (I know, it's an eternity). 3 years before the wedding she worked for 6 weeks away from our city and met some new friends, after 4 weeks, I started to get a little jealous once she was talking about them like they were her idols. At this point (I recocnized afterwards that it was completely wrong), I took a pick at her emails and I saw an email were she was arranging a date with one of those new friends, I confronted her and she gone mad, because I saw her email... I felt guilty at the time, but she never could explain me properly the email, she said it was nothing wrong only a group of friends going out. She never speak about that again for the rest of the 2 weeks she was away from our city, but during this time the tension was very high and she said she lost trust on me. When she got back we didn't had any sex or more intimate moments for more than 2 months, and it took almost 1 year so we got back where we were. During this time she always told me that she never behaved unproperly, and nothing of what I could ever imagine has happened.
> ...


You have to decide what is best for you. There are many threads like this and all are terrible. You have to decide if it is long enough ago to let the marriage itself be the deciding factor. Whatever you do, do not hide the feelings go get help. We have two recently updated threads all over a decade where the feelings came back and they are contemplating divorce. Another was 20 years and he decided to let it go, but it ate him up as well.


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

Do the math, Copernicus. You've been married for 6 years, you Dated??? for 12 years, and she is 30?? 6 + 12 = 18 - 30 = 12. So she started dating when she was 12 years old? I call Bu**sh*t.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Shaggy nailed it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bbird1 (May 22, 2011)

Sounds like you had more than a few red flags. Yet you choose to marry her. Based on that I'd say you "knew" but did nothing now it sounds like you are looking for an easy way out. 

So forgive it since you knew and did nothing for 3 years and then married her and 6 years into the marriage is when you got bored. Grow a pair is my advice and forgive her. Your poor decisions are over many years and it's not her fault you choose to marry her even knowing she cheated. And don't deny it you knew.

no easy out on this.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

MC81 said:


> Hello Everybody,
> (First of all I'm sorry for any errors in my writing, but english isn't my first language)
> 
> I'm 32 years old and my wife is 30, we got married 6 years ago and we have a 4 years old beautiful son. Before we married we were dating for 12 years (I know, it's an eternity). 3 years before the wedding she worked for 6 weeks away from our city and met some new friends, after 4 weeks, I started to get a little jealous once she was talking about them like they were her idols. At this point (I recocnized afterwards that it was completely wrong), I took a pick at her emails and I saw an email were she was arranging a date with one of those new friends, I confronted her and she gone mad, because I saw her email... I felt guilty at the time, but she never could explain me properly the email, she said it was nothing wrong only a group of friends going out. She never speak about that again for the rest of the 2 weeks she was away from our city, but during this time the tension was very high and she said she lost trust on me. When she got back we didn't had any sex or more intimate moments for more than 2 months, and it took almost 1 year so we got back where we were. During this time she always told me that she never behaved unproperly, and nothing of what I could ever imagine has happened.
> ...


You need to rebuild your trust and you need to recover. Hiding the issue does neither.

There is only ONE way you can go forward, in a healthy way, and never speak of this again. Divorce her and marry someone who is faithful.

Seriously.

Or if you're going to stay with her, you need to do a number of things...which all involve talking about it.

You both need IC and MC. If my wife did what yours did, and then followed up with "So I want you to promise me, you're never going to bring this up again."

My response would be "Sure thing cheater." "So what do you want for dinner you two timing ho-bag" Sorry but that request is SO disrespectful and unfortunately has ZERO thoughts of what YOU'RE going through and YOU'RE feeling. It just shows she doesn't really care about you as a person.


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## Brokenman85 (Jul 24, 2013)

My Wife cheated about a year and a half before our wedding. Now, after 4 1/2 years of Marriage, she left me and is divorcing me for another man. She also cheated another time during the marriage and also did some heavy text flirting in the marriage as well. I would be very cautious here. Cheaters by nature are selfish people and will be prone to repeat their behavior. You will need to realize cheaters crave dopamine. They have to have it. It will be up to you to keep her dopamine levels satisfied if you have any chance of her not repeating it. Even THEN, that might not help, but it's your only chance. I know you love her and want to give her the benefit of the doubt. That is what makes it so hard. That is why I forgave my wife. It didn't matter in the long run and she broke my heart. I'm now a broken person because of it. She wouldn't even give our marriage a chance after I forgave her multiple times and begged me to keep her. I still love her with every cell in my body. Love stinks.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Love doesn't stink, giving your love to someone unworthy of it does.


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## Brokenman85 (Jul 24, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> Love doesn't stink, giving your love to someone unworthy of it does.


Well it feels that way to me now lol. The feeling of love is the most wonderful thing in the world. There is no doubt about that. The only problem is when you love somebody unconditionally, you make yourself extremely vulnerable, and can have your heart broken without a moments notice. Love is a gamble, but you can't win if you don't play. I went all in and lost.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Brokenman85 said:


> My Wife cheated about a year and a half before our wedding. Now, after 4 1/2 years of Marriage, she left me and is divorcing me for another man. She also cheated another time during the marriage and also did some heavy text flirting in the marriage as well. I would be very cautious here. Cheaters by nature are selfish people and will be prone to repeat their behavior. You will need to realize cheaters crave dopamine. They have to have it. It will be up to you to keep her dopamine levels satisfied if you have any change of her not repeating it. Even THEN, that might not help, but it's your only chance. I know you love her and want to give her the benefit of the doubt. That is what makes it so hard. That is why I forgave my wife. It didn't matter in the long run and she broke my heart. I'm now a broken person because of it. She wouldn't even give our marriage a chance after I forgave her multiple times and begged me to keep her. I still love her with every cell in my body. * Love stinks.*



I dont think it's "love".


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## MC81 (Aug 25, 2013)

MC81 said:


> Hello Everybody,
> (First of all I'm sorry for any errors in my writing, but english isn't my first language)
> 
> I'm 32 years old and my wife is 30, we got married 6 years ago and we have a 4 years old beautiful son. Before we married we were dating for 12 years (I know, it's an eternity). 3 years before the wedding she worked for 6 weeks away from our city and met some new friends, after 4 weeks, I started to get a little jealous once she was talking about them like they were her idols. At this point (I recocnized afterwards that it was completely wrong), I took a pick at her emails and I saw an email were she was arranging a date with one of those new friends, I confronted her and she gone mad, because I saw her email... I felt guilty at the time, but she never could explain me properly the email, she said it was nothing wrong only a group of friends going out. She never speak about that again for the rest of the 2 weeks she was away from our city, but during this time the tension was very high and she said she lost trust on me. When she got back we didn't had any sex or more intimate moments for more than 2 months, and it took almost 1 year so we got back where we were. During this time she always told me that she never behaved unproperly, and nothing of what I could ever imagine has happened.
> ...



Well my friends, first all thanks for so many inputs in such a short time.
I'm from Portugal.
After reading your comments, I have to say that I come to the decision to confront her again to get all the answers I need.

There is the possibility to crash my face against the wall again, but I will try this marriage to work out. As for my son, I'm sure it's mine, absolutely no doubt about it.

To those who mentioned that it's my fault, let me disagree with you, when I married her, yes you are write I had some red flags, but no proofs... I love her, so "only" some unfundamented guesses 3 years before weren't enough for me to quit on her.. (now I see it was a mistake), but from there to being all my fault there a big gap (I think).

Probably most of you have been inloved, well for me has been for the past 18 years deeply inloved for this woman, that why is so hard to see clearly..

Thank you for your insights.
MC81


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

So you were deeply in love with her before either of you reached puberty? I see.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

MC81 be as emotionless as you can. If she tells you something that just doesn't make sense, take her for a polygraph you may get your answers in the parking lot right before, sorry.


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