# What to do?



## spiritlight (Feb 1, 2011)

My wife and myself have been together for 18 years, mostly happy ones and have been very close. 

since we had our second child 7 years ago her spontaneity and sexual desire diminished a lot. This led to constant rejection of my advances until she gets around to it and decides it is a satisfactory time for sex. Then I am supposed to go along with it. 

Over the last few years she has become obsessed with house cleanliness and calendar/diary keeping and this seems pivotal in her desires for some reason. Unless all the planets line up there can be no time for sexual intimacy for her. 

For many years she would walk past me as she entered the house to cook the children dinner. She was unable to stop and kiss me because of the time wasting it was.

As you may have picked up I am the fairly intimate one of the 2 of us, my priority is that affection and a good love making life.


Now all we have is that occasionally she gets involved in it but more often than not its lay there and take it and complain about it, having to. She often claims it is hormonal ( 1/2 or more of the sexually active 3 weeks of the month at least )

If for some reason I decline sex I am made to feel so bad as though I committed a crime. It is what I live with most days my intimacy is rejected, however she cant see that.

My wife lives in fear of anything happening to me She tries to wrap me up in cotton wool a bit. she imagines events that might happen etc.

Lately as we constantly cant agree over sex and I cant be bothered initiating it anymore. I have given up on regular sex.

All she is interested in is house chores over most things. House chores and walking the dog.

Lately I have been longing for someone more like me, whose priority is intimacy and romance. I dont know what to do.

We have been through counseling but the same incompatibilities are reoccurring.

Thanks in advance for any advice.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

spiritlight said:


> Over the last few years she has become obsessed with house cleanliness and calendar/diary keeping and this seems pivotal in her desires for some reason.


Did someone get really sick in the past? i ask because my sister, who was really laid back, became a clean freak when her second child was chronically ill for years. it took an extreme emotional and physical toll on her. 



spiritlight said:


> For many years she would walk past me as she entered the house to cook the children dinner. She was unable to stop and kiss me because of the time wasting it was.


how often do you cook? clean? do house work? does she take care of the kids? 

of course she could be using these things as an excuse, too. do you guys ever do anything fun or romantic?



spiritlight said:


> My wife lives in fear of anything happening to me She tries to wrap me up in cotton wool a bit. she imagines events that might happen etc.


why not encourage her to get a job? go back to school? she fears anything happening to you because she doesnt know how she would take care of herself or the kids. 



spiritlight said:


> All she is interested in is house chores over most things. House chores and walking the dog.


sounds pretty boring. my guess is she's bored and is trying not to go insane by focusing on tasks. encourage her to get some friends, go out, have fun, get a hobby or a passion. 

unfortunately you might not be the end all say all in what turns her on. think outside the box.


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## spiritlight (Feb 1, 2011)

Blanca said:


> Did someone get really sick in the past? i ask because my sister, who was really laid back, became a clean freak when her second child was chronically ill for years. it took an extreme emotional and physical toll on her.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


A job she has she focuses on that and plans her life around it.

romantic? i try massages flowers etc. 

clean and domestic chores yes! 

Though its like this I'll clean up and do the washing if I get time and she wil tel me not to bother because the towel folding is not done how she likes it folded. stupid stuff like that.

It's washed and in the cupboard.. who cares! Its a towel..you put it in the cupboard use it then wash it again you dont fuss over it.

she cant have fun or do anything til the house is clean to her satisfaction.. it sucks.

we have 2 kids theres no point getting hung up on it. Its like holding back the tide, having a clean house with children in it.

Life is about having fun and the quality time you spend with people.

BTW I clean to I dont obsess over it.


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## spiritlight (Feb 1, 2011)

I am thinking the idea of a sexless relationship might be better than al the drama involved in rejection. I am over it.


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

Spirit, I was in the same boat as you, there is hope. I was in a sexless marriage for 11+ years. My wife is a clean freak. We neglected each others needs. 

A few ideas in no particular order (I am sure you have tried many of these...just throwing them out there):

-make her feel sexy, desired, wanted, needed
-be completely honest with her. Tell her exactly what you need and expect of her. Tell her you demand to be respected by her and she should demand you to respect her. Make sure you ask her what her REAL needs are and listen to them. Her real needs are not cleaning the house and cooking. 
-she absolutely needs to get out of the house. She needs at least one date night a week with you and one Girls Night Out a week...at least. The GNO is key. If she will not organize them, maybe you get to know her friends or their husbands and plant the seed. If any of her friends are string, sexually confident females, they will talk about sex. When you get a bunch of girls together they talk a lot more about sex and get raunchier than us guys, I have seen it. It makes them feel confident in their sexuality and know that feeling and being sexy is not just OK, but fun. 
-let her know that you two as a couple come first, before the kids, before the house. You two fell in love as a couple before these things and will hopefully grow old together as a couple after the kids are long out of the house
-do what you need to do to be happy as an individual. Enjoy your passions in life and show your wife how passionate you are about them. Women really dig that in a man and it will make you happy and it is in your control 
-if all else fails, lay down the ultimatum (only if you really mean it and will follow through), that you will not accept an unfulliling sex life and you a prepared to find one if she is not willing to be that person with you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

spiritlight said:


> I am thinking the idea of a sexless relationship might be better than al the drama involved in rejection. I am over it.


Dude. She has OCD. She might not be diagnosed, but she has some compelling symptoms.

And don't give up, because you're wrong: it wouldn't be better than the drama, in the long run. Good news is, if you do things right you can fix the situation. But it's going to depend upon your willingness to yank you both out of your mutual comfort zones.

1. get her to a mental health professional about her cleaning/scheduling. Have her assessed for OCD and medicated, if necessary.

2. Once that's dealt with, you must be insistent on placing sex as a high priority to you. The fact that she ignores you means that she's so comfortable with the present situation that she doesn't see any reason to change it. All the crap about helping with the house, etc. etc. isn't going to do jack for you except make you miserable. Love isn't the issue, here, it's her respect for you as a man. Sometimes that respect has to be demanded.

3. If necessary, be willing to threaten the stability of the relationship if she's unwilling to change. That doesn't necessarily mean divorce, but it could mean a change in the way you do your daily routine. Say, if you refused to sleep in the same bed with her until the sex started back up. Those kinds of blows to the security of the relationship are even more profound to someone suffering from OCD, where the relationship is the focus of her mental stability.

But if you don't be a man and demand that there be some changes, then you'll deserve the miserable existence ahead of you, until you cheat or she dies.


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