# break from sex



## Chris_1234 (Aug 27, 2020)

Hi, any advice appreciated.

Myself and my wife have decided to have a break from sex, probably for a few weeks. We've been married 18 years and have 3 children. My wife's libido has divebombed in recent months years - Mainly the stress of children, job, house etc. We share things out pretty evenly and generally we're a great team. We love each other very much. I have a much higher sex drive and we have got to the point that sex is very one sided, she doesn't enjoy it and I feel guilty and as though I am pestering her all the time. She says she would often avoid physical closeness for fear of turning me on. She's also had problems with UTIs after sex on occasions which really doesn't help things either as she's scared of getting an infection.

Sex is typically about once every week or two. We've really got ourselves into a rut. I feel we've lost our way a bit and we need to re-set and re-connect again on a physical level without the pressure of intercourse, eg mutual massaging, taking a bath together etc. We can then work back up to sex when it feels right. 

It's physical closeness I crave with my wife rather than a sexual release but I'm worried that my sexual feelings will sabotage things. I'm also worried that this might be the beginning of the end of our sex life. Has anyone gone through a similar process? Any advice appreciated. 

Chris


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Chris_1234 said:


> She's also had problems with UTIs after sex


I don't blame her for being afraid, if she believes sex is the cause. I've had a couple UTIs through my life, urination becomes very uncomfortable to downright painful.

How does she know it's sex which causes it ? Do you get urine-tested also when she gets a UTI ?

Many UTIs are caused by E-coli - the bacteria comes from the person's own digestive tract in feces which gets transferred to the urinary tract during cleaning after defecation. It's very hard to "link" this cause, because the transfer incident is not isolated in time. The incubation period is 3 to 8 days.

A good thorough cleaning with a disinfectant before sex might eliminate the problem It's plausible that sex could move the bacteria to the urethral opening.

Other bacteria can cause UTIs, too. Many of these bacteria have an incubation period of one to 3 weeks.



Chris_1234 said:


> we need to re-set and re-connect again on a physical level without the pressure of intercourse, eg mutual massaging, taking a bath together etc.



I have not found any of this to be effective in my own case. But if fears and stress are causing her lack of desire, this would be a very good approach.

I'd also get a test from your doc to see if you have a gastric infection or a UTI. Tell the doc about your wife's fears. She may be right about sex being the cause.


----------



## Chris_1234 (Aug 27, 2020)

TJW said:


> I don't blame her for being afraid, if she believes sex is the cause. I've had a couple UTIs through my life, urination becomes very uncomfortable to downright painful.
> 
> How does she know it's sex which causes it ? Do you get urine-tested also when she gets a UTI ?
> 
> ...


definitely sex related. We've seen a urologist. It's more likely to happen if she orgasms. We're taking all the precautions we can, including hygiene and taking D Mannose. A bit of a passion killer :-(


----------



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

two quotes from your question in reversed order:


Chris_1234 said:


> snip- Sex is typically about once every week or two.
> snip- Myself and my wife have decided to have a break from sex, probably for a few weeks.
> Chris


So exactly what is changing? You are going to skip one go?
This is not he beginning of the end of your sex life, it could be the ending of the end.
The UTI question. I get two responses on this. One is it always starts after sex and it is the insensitive man's fault, from sexually active women.
Or, she must not be taking care of herself, from virgin women who have also suffered UTIs.
You could take a three month break to prove to her that it isn't your fault, but she will still blame it on you. 
On the Pestering question. Pestering for sex is the definition of sexual harassment. It is always defined from the offended parties point of view. Now once you have put the legal name to it, why would you desire sex with someone who hates your touch? The message she is sending with the Pestering line is that your relationship (sexual) has ended. Now you need to decide if the relationship (emotional) has also ended. The relationship (financial) is most likely to be your choice to continue (aside from court orders that is).


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Chris_1234 said:


> We love each other very much. I have a much higher sex drive and we have got to the point that sex is very one sided, she doesn't enjoy it and I feel guilty and as though I am pestering her all the time. She says she would often avoid physical closeness for fear of turning me on. She's also had problems with UTIs after sex on occasions which really doesn't help things either as she's scared of getting an infection.


If sex isn't a pleasure for your wife, then it is perfectly understandable that she doesn't want to have sex with you often if at all.

Honestly what you have written, makes it sound like your wife is often loathe to have sex with you. So given that, why is sex such an awful experience for your wife?

Are you willing to try to be a better lover for your wife, can you be a better lover for your wife?



> Sex is typically about once every week or two. We've really got ourselves into a rut. I feel we've lost our way a bit and we need to re-set and re-connect again on a physical level without the pressure of intercourse, eg mutual massaging, taking a bath together etc. We can then work back up to sex when it feels right.


Being good at sex, making sex a pleasure, being sexually desirable to your wife, are great ways to generate sexual desire. Hopium in the guise of mutual massages and taking baths together, aren't going to get you very far when it comes to getting more sex.



> It's physical closeness I crave with my wife rather than a sexual release but I'm worried that my sexual feelings will sabotage things.


Really?!!! Are you sure?

Because if you crave physical closeness instead of sexual release with your wife, then there's little point in you sharing sex with your wife at all.

On the other hand if you do really want to share sex with your wife, do yourself a favour and own that desire honestly. Since expressing that kind of sentiment to your wife, in the face of pestering her for sex. Would make you a liar, which isn't a great way to generate sexual desire from your wife.



> I'm also worried that this might be the beginning of the end of our sex life.


It reads to me like you have been in the death throes of your marital sex life for a while now. This certainly hasn't happened overnight.



> Has anyone gone through a similar process? Any advice appreciated.


Plenty of people here have gone through this kind of thing, and I am sure some of them will chime in for you.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Chris_1234 said:


> She's also had problems with UTIs after sex on occasions which really doesn't help things either as she's scared of getting an infection.


I would strongly recommend you get a second opinion on your wife's infections preferably from a OBGYN. My wife had problems and our primary care provider would just write prescriptions to address the symptoms and give her horribly incorrect advice on the possible causes. 

A year later we found out that my wife had some serious issues with fibroid cysts as well as complications resulting from a c-section causing her a lot of inflammation. Once those issues were addressed she has had ZERO inflammation/infections/discomfort ever since. Our intimacy greatly improved afterwards. 

*Complications of adhesions after a C-Section can include:*

Irritable bowel syndrome
Constipation and digestive problems
Painful intercourse & bowel movements

So don't just let your primary care doctor write a bunch of prescriptions and tell you a load of crap. Get a second opinion!

I've never heard of an orgasm causing an infection! WTF!!!

Badsanta


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

I had my share of UTIs in my life, they were always related to cold weather, few times every winter. Then I moved to the south and these problems stopped.

However, sometimes I would get it during sex - but not because of the sex - but the A/C was just blowing on that area, when it was exposed. Is it possible that this would be aproblem for her, not sex itself?


----------



## maree (Jun 13, 2011)

I get UTIs after sex, it was happening almost every time. I need to pee after sex even if just a little, and this prevents them. Your wife may already know this or maybe hers are caused by more aggressive bacteria but I thought I'd throw this out there just in case. It may be a little TMI but the urine washes the bacteria out of the urethra and can prevent them from getting up to the bladder. Otherwise I agree with getting a 2nd opinion on this from an OBGYN.


----------



## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Why is sex so stressful for her? I understand about the UTI thing because I am prone to them too, but I just spear headed it and take extra precautions. 

Sex to me is a stress reliever, a time of pleasure, and a time to feel close to my lover. What is it to her? 

When my last partner was stressed out, the last thing he wanted was sex. Which I didn’t get because I want sex when I’m stressed. So the expectation/pressure of him to have sex when he was too stressed to have it put negative feelings toward sex. Is that whats going on with your wife? 

I have a friend who is such a pleaser, type a, kind of rigid person who needs to look and feel perfect before having sex. She is scared her husband won’t find her attractive if, let’s say she forgot to shave, or she feels like she smells down there because she is ovulating. So she feels this pressure to constantly perform and make it perfect for him. But the result is, she refuses him a lot because she isn’t up to her expectations, and she feels a crazy amount of pressure to be on point so to speak. Is that I hate going on with your wife? 

Sex to me is a time to relax and not think. In my type A, neurotic, responsible life I live, it’s one of the only times I feel emotionally free and relaxed. Why isn’t it for your wife?


----------



## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

A break is one thing but you’re talking like a man wanting sex with his wife is a bad thing.... seems like the most natural thing in the world to me.

There’s got to be more to the story here.... regardless it’s a pretty big warning sign and I think you should do everything you can to remedy it. Take her to the doctor, speak lovingly to her with an attentive ear, try to get away alone and lower the stress level, romance her without pressure/expectation (hardest thing ever!)... basically try to figure out why she is shutting down and how you may have screwed up.

Not to say marital intimacy doesn’t have peaks and valleys over the years... especially with babies, sleepless nights, and illnesses. There’s definitely a time to suck it up and be a man and just go without it but likewise sometimes the little lady needs to give up a little lovin’ even if she doesn’t feel like it. Isn’t this what marriage is all about?


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Orgasms don't have anything to UTIs. Either her Dr is a quack or she is just saying that the Dr said that as a means of avoiding sex with you.


----------



## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

Showering before sex, and peeing right after she orgasms, should help your wife avoid UTIs. She could also be prescribed a low dose antibiotic that she would take after every sexual encounter.

All of the above should help.

Avoiding sex is one way to kill a marriage for sure.!!!.


----------



## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

ah_sorandy said:


> Showering before sex, and peeing right after she orgasms, should help your wife avoid UTIs. She could also be prescribed a low dose antibiotic that she would take after every sexual encounter.
> 
> All of the above should help.
> 
> Avoiding sex is one way to kill a marriage for sure.!!!.


So people have been over treating UTIs with antibiotics and it’s causing these antibiotic resistant UTIs and Its causing a lot of problems. 










What You Need to Know About Resistant Urinary Tract Infections (Published 2019)


U.T.I.s are one of the world’s most common infections, but many of the drugs used to treat them have become less effective as resistance to antibiotics grows.




www.nytimes.com





I try to treat my UTIs by myself, and sometimes it’s successful and sometimes it’s not. But when I failed to treat it, I know that I really really need antibiotics because there is no other option. People should not be taking antibiotics like it’s candy. It’s incredibly dangerous. Especially if your prone to uti like me and you know getting them will be inevitable.


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Chris_1234 said:


> definitely sex related. We've seen a urologist. It's more likely to happen if she orgasms. We're taking all the precautions we can, including hygiene and taking D Mannose. A bit of a passion killer :-(


Have you tried switching lubes? Since going to coconut oil my wife has gone from frequent to almost zero UTIs. Worth a try. I would also suggest doing a google search for the Ted Talk "The Sex Starved Marriage" and see if you can relate, and then have your wife watch it with you. Rejection is a nasty thing to deal with, and I sense you're "there." There are more ways than PIV to deal with needs and desires too.


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Casual Observer said:


> Have you tried switching lubes?


Do they even use lube?

Since not everyone needs it.


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Personal said:


> Do they even use lube?
> 
> Since not everyone needs it.


This is true... and my wife and I didn't start using it until way too late. Would have been a great help early on, but just plain ignorant of the need. My wife doesn't need if if she's had an oral O first; otherwise, it's a requirement. Lack of early-in-the-action desire can be an issue with regards self-lube and OP's wife is likely lacking that desire. Just a possibility.


----------



## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

ah_sorandy said:


> Showering before sex, and peeing right after she orgasms, should help your wife avoid UTIs. She could also be prescribed a low dose antibiotic that she would take after every sexual encounter.
> 
> All of the above should help.
> 
> Avoiding sex is one way to kill a marriage for sure.!!!.


What helped me was not waiting weeks in between having sex...the longer I waited to have sex (like 2 weeks or more) the more likely getting a UTI was. When I was having sex every week up to every other day, I never got them.


----------



## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

LisaDiane said:


> What helped me was not waiting weeks in between having sex...the longer I waited to have sex (like 2 weeks or more) the more likely getting a UTI was. When I was having sex every week up to every other day, I never got them.


Exactly, do you think I could get this through to my wife? Not a chance!

I provided her with many articles that stated that the more sex you have, the more prepared your immune system is to handle infections.

Fell on deaf ears and here I'm today, caught in a sexless marriage and very unhappy!


----------



## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

ah_sorandy said:


> Exactly, do you think I could get this through to my wife? Not a chance!
> 
> I provided her with many articles that stated that the more sex you have, the more prepared your immune system is to handle infections.
> 
> Fell on deaf ears and here I'm today, caught in a sexless marriage and very unhappy!


The more I had sex the more frequently I got UTIs. Plus my skin was irritated on my labia. 

There’s a different between sex 3x a week and sex 3x a day... 3x a day everyday.


----------



## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

Girl_power said:


> The more I had sex the more frequently I got UTIs. Plus my skin was irritated on my labia.
> 
> There’s a different between sex 3x a week and sex 3x a day... 3x a day everyday.


I'm sorry to hear this.

I have never had a UTI, but I have passed many kidney stones, so I somewhat understand how much UTIs hurt!

I guess every woman is different, and some are more prone to UTIs no matter what.


----------



## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Girl_power said:


> The more I had sex the more frequently I got UTIs. Plus my skin was irritated on my labia.
> 
> There’s a different between sex 3x a week and sex 3x a day... 3x a day everyday.


Definitely!! This probably just means that whatever caused MY UTIs was different than what caused other women's who have them after more frequent sex. For ME, the more sex I had, the more resistant that sensitive skin became to irritation.

Also, I used lube every time, whether needed or not...it made it more fun!! Lol! So I don't know if that had anything to do with preventing irritation as well.


----------



## Violet28 (Oct 4, 2018)

She needs to pee after sex, it flushes out the bacteria and prevents UTI's.


----------



## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

it seems like only married women are the ones who lose their libido, which is kind of odd to me and doesn't support the commonly-attributed causes (kids/job/house/life) being that single women also have those same stressors - kids/job/house/life. I don't remember ever reading a guy here complain that his girlfriend won't have sex with him, nor a woman come here saying she doesn't like sex with her boyfriend. Yet, married people find their way to this board and numerous other sites on the internet I've seen with these types of complaints. Nobody in long-term relationships who aren't married. If there are, their numbers are extremely few. It's all just so perplexing and also confusing, but I'm betting that a lot of married women feel neglected or taken for granted or don't receive what they need such that they feel no, or very little, inclination to have to have sex with their husband or are exhausted, exasperated, or downright disgusted by the thought of it. Logically, nobody wants to be burdened with caring for someone's needs if they feel that someone doesn't care about their needs. That's the negotiable give and take of marriage.

You feel like you're pestering her for sex because you are. I really don't believe what so many people say about the stresses of llfe being the reason women don't want to have sex with their husband. I believe it's that there are so many demands on her input, her attention, and her performance from all the areas of life that are draining and forcing her to operate daily on an empty tank. She deals with the demands of her job, the demands of being wife and mother (a lot of which she places on herself, but are still very real), the demands of maintaining home, and so on. She's the only one who can do it all. She's the only one who does her job, the only wife and mother, etc. And then there's you wanting sex. Everybody needs and wants something from her, and she gives them all 100 percent of herself, but no one is filling her tank back up. Nobody gives her what she needs to refresh and reenergize so she has the impetus and motivation to keep on giving.

I'm not talking about _"We share things out pretty evenly and generally we're a great team."_ That's what is expected of you because you are also the other adult in a house that needs to be maintained and the other parent of the children who need to be raised, so don't think you're doing anything to help HER by washing dishes or doing laundry or helping with homework. Those are no favor to her if that's what you think because there's no such thing as woman's work and your wife isn't the maid. Things in the house and for the kids need to be done, so it's up to the adults to organize their execution.

I'm talking about doing for your wife personally in non-sexual ways to let her know she is loved and appreciated. She needs your personal attention. If a woman feels neglected, unappreciated, and taken for granted, she can easily begin to feel used and, therefore, much less inclined to want sex and less inclined to want to give herself to her husband in that way. Again, she can't be expected to take care of your needs if you don't take care of hers. No doubt your wife knows you love her, but that doesn't mean she feels your love. She needs to feel it. She needs you to connect with her on an intimate and emotional level outside the bedroom, not just when you want sex. Consider it as emotional foreplay.

You said your wife _"just doesn't enjoy it,"_ and give those same common reasons. Compare it to a person who is ticklish. They laugh and giggle when someone tickles those sensitive areas. The person may be in a bad mood and not want to be tickled but if they are tickled, they experience the same sensation as when they are in a better mood. A person is ticklish or they're not. The same goes for the times your doctor uses his instrument to check your tendon reflexes. When he taps your knee in the right spot with his reflex hammer, your foot bounces every time. It works because your tendons are there and fully functional. So how is it that your wife doesn't enjoy sex anymore? If sex has been enjoyable under all other circumstances, her body and it's fully-functioning parts are still there. She's not dead inside and her body hasn't stopped working, so what is the problem lately?

She might not enjoy it if she's not in the mood, so the question is why is she not in the mood so often? I believe she needs input from you to get her going again. Actually, she needs input from you on a regular basis to keep her going since you want sex on a regular basis. So then fill your wife's tank on a regular basis. Show her what she means to you because that part of her psyche and that part of her life are not a matter of team effort. This is a matter of the negotiation process that motivate each of you to fulfill each other's needs so that sex is not a pestering experience but a mutually shared one that you both want to engage and enjoy.

Pat yourself on the back for making it through this novel of mine (sorry about that LOL), but I'm going to suggest some more reading that help you improve your marital relations. Some are only for your eyes but some are for you both to read together. Please believe they all work if you read and work them. As for your tasks, use the ideas to do something on a daily basis so she believes you love her for her, rather than doing them periodically only to make her feel like "Oh you just want sex." This is the reason she fears exciting you. Her tank is empty, so she doesn't have it in her and wouldn't appreciate a back rub or some flowers just to warn/dupe her to the idea of you wanting sex. And begin doing them now while you and she are on your self-imposed hiatus.

Just so you know, studies have shown that some men don't want to have to apply themselves in this manner for the sake of their marriage and wife's happiness. Please understand that your input is required and the suggestions for your contributions are results-driven. If you prefer not to apply yourself, there are no returns to be expected.

I'm going to start with the biggest and most important thing you can do for your wife. Are you ready for this huge and powerful act of love?......Hold her hand. That's it! So simple, yet very effective bonding. We girls love it even after 18 years of marriage. It makes us feel like your girlfriend again - special, close, connected, safe and secure.
✓ While sitting on the sofa watching a movie, hold her hand.
✓ No doubt you each have your own cars, but make excuses to ride places together (shopping, to the park, etc,) so you can hold her hand while driving. If she hates your driving, then let her drive so it doesn't have to turn into a scary or contentious experience.
✓ Walk around the block a few times 2-5 times a week while holding her hand.
✓ Sit out on the patio with a bottle of wine just talking and holding her hand.

*Give Your Wife Your Undivided Attention*
_"Your time and attention is one of your most precious commodities. Men, your wife craves your undivided attention. Not only does she crave it, but she needs it. There is a powerful statement made when you set aside the phone and the distractions of life, look your wife in the eye, listen to her, talk to her. It shouldn’t be something you get around to once a week. It should be a daily priority.

There is a sense of togetherness that happens when you give your wife your attention. Simply being in the same room isn’t enough. Engage in conversation. The kind where you are getting to know one another, talking feelings and emotions. This will show her that she is important, loved, and valued. It will prove she is a priority. It will show her that you are fighting for her love."_

*36 Questions To Fall In Love*
It's something very interesting and effective to do when you can't think of anything to do or talk about. This was a study by psychologist Arthur Aron that promotes closeness and touts it can make even strangers fall in love. It's a lot of fun and prompts you to get to know each other all over again by sharing things you might not normally think to ask. It feels like a first date. At the end of the Q&A session(s), you must stare into each other's eyes for a full 4 minutes. You can blink, but you can't look away.

*The 5 Love Languages*
You and she take the quiz and communicate with each other daily in your respecitive language.
_"You love each other, right? So why does it feel like you’re not on the same page? The most common issue in any relationship is the communication barrier. Everyone experiences love differently, and it’s easy to miss the mark when it comes to showing that you care. With a little help from The 5 Love Languages®, you can learn to identify the root of your conflicts, give and receive love in more meaningful ways, and grow closer than ever."_

*How To Make Your Wife Feel Special?*
Learn to Self-Regulate
_"While love languages can help communicate understanding and appreciation according to a 2017 study published in Personal Relationships, relationship satisfaction is less determined by aligned love languages and more determined by the ability of both partners to self-regulate.

Taking responsibility for your moods and not expecting your partner to make everything better is one of the greatest gifts you can give them. A 2010 study of partners working towards positive changes in their relationships found that positive relationship evaluations were correlated more with self-focused improvement than with partner-focused improvement.

Especially when you are in conflict with one another, focusing on your own growth and taking responsibility for your contributions is the best way to improve the relationship"_

*56 Ways to Show Your Wife You Love Her*
Lots of good ideas for things to do for your wife and you can google for more ideas.

*Question Of The Ages: How Can A Husband Receive The Sex He Needs In Marriage?*
In this article, Dr. Willard Harley introduces the concept and theory of the negotiation process that is
required in marriage. I'm posting staggered excerpts of some of the main points tht tdetail what I shared here and the message I tried to convey.

_She would want sex to be part of a much larger romantic experience. Dining, dancing, and moonlit walks, all generously infused with expressions of care, are examples of the foreplay that would lead her to a fulfilling sexual experience.

By the time you reach this stage of negotiation with your wife, her perspective on how you should have sex with each other will help you understand why it's been difficult for you to make love as often as you want.....I think you will be able to demonstrate my point that sex is a singular "act" for you and a much larger "event" for your wife.

In my book, His Needs, Her Needs, I begin my chapter on affection with the observation that when a man creates an environment of affection (affection throughout the day), he creates the conditions that makes sex an event for her. Technically, intimate conversation should also be included in this observation. If his ongoing affection and conversation helps her feel bonded to him emotionally, sex adds an important dimension to her feeling of intimacy.

When a husband meets his wife's needs for affection and intimate conversation, she finds it much easier to meet his need for sexual fulfillment. Of course, the converse is also true. The more she meets his need for sexual fulfillment, the easier it is for him to meet her emotional needs for affection and intimate conversation._


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Chris_1234 said:


> It's physical closeness I crave with my wife rather than a sexual release but I'm worried that my sexual feelings will sabotage things.


yes, I could not have physical closeness without (eventually) sexual release and this was one of the reason our marriage collapsed. I would try my best to give physical closeness to your wife, even if you find it very difficult. Just back off for a bit... it's just one phase of your marriage and, if dealt with sensitivity, it will get better. Well, hopefully. You seem to be on the ball regarding your relationship, unlike me...


----------



## Galabar01 (Mar 20, 2019)

You need to let your wife know that sex is part of a healthy marriage. Be ready to move on if she doesn't agree and change.


----------



## Lonelylife10 (Sep 1, 2020)

I don't have any advice but will say... I can tell you love your wife and she is very lucky to have you. I do have a bit of advice for the UTI's though. This helped me. Fifteen years ago my doctor told me to always urinate immediately after sex as this would flush any bacteria out of the urethra. Yeah it kind of ruins the mood if you cuddle after sex but I haven't had a UTI since and I used to get them quite a bit.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

@StarFires that was a long post you made, above!

I won't quote it here. It was full of good stuff.

I'll add;
That level of actions just to lead to sex is unsustainable and is detrimental to long term relationships being close, having closeness that comes from sex.

Over the long haul there has to be a great number of encounters that started by "hey, you awake?" as well.

The ease each feels in the company of the other is key to spanning years having a good M and good or great sexual relationship. 

Balance, and all that.


----------



## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> @StarFires that was a long post you made, above!
> 
> I won't quote it here. It was full of good stuff.
> 
> ...


You're scaring me, Rags. I didn't mean for the post to sound pressurized. It's only suggestions and ideas for things to do and let him know to do something - anything - each day. But yeah, that can just be "Hey, you awake?" and sometimes, that's all it is and can mean a lot all by itself. Some guys don't recognize that their wife needs attention and some want to do and say things but don't know what. I wasn't trying to suggest backward flipflops or make him feel he has to stand on his head to please her but wanted him to understand the importance of attention and glean some ideas of what that looks like. So, I'm glad you brought this up and gave me a chance to clarify and turn down the pressure cooker.

Yep, it was really long and I was exhausted afterward.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

StarFires said:


> You're scaring me, Rags. I didn't mean for the post to sound pressurized. It's only suggestions and ideas for things to do and let him know to do something - anything - each day. But yeah, that can just be "Hey, you awake?" and sometimes, that's all it is and can mean a lot all by itself. Some guys don't recognize that their wife needs attention and some want to do and say things but don't know what. I wasn't trying to suggest backward flipflops or make him feel he has to stand on his head to please her but wanted him to understand the importance of attention and glean some ideas of what that looks like. So, I'm glad you brought this up and gave me a chance to clarify and turn down the pressure cooker.


You're right on the money!

Good job. Balance in all things!


----------



## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

StarFires said:


> it seems like only married women are the ones who lose their libido, which is kind of odd to me





StarFires said:


> I'm talking about doing for your wife personally in non-sexual ways to let her know she is loved and appreciated. She needs your personal attention. If a woman feels neglected, unappreciated, and taken for granted, she can easily begin to feel used and, therefore, much less inclined to want sex and less inclined to want to give herself to her husband in that way. Again, she can't be expected to take care of your needs if you don't take care of hers. No doubt your wife knows you love her, but that doesn't mean she feels your love. She needs to feel it. She needs you to connect with her on an intimate and emotional level outside the bedroom, not just when you want sex. Consider it as emotional foreplay.


I think you are right this feeling of being neglected / underappreciated and cutting off sex are common issues. What was difficult in my experience with this was, there was no communication (or there was flat out denial) that this was occuring, it just changed. Then the guy is in a situation of what had worked just fine in the past, perhaps for many years, is now somehow not enough, and the wife didn't say anything until it had manifested by cutting him off. The unfortunate part is that typically although she didn't say anything to him, likely her girlfriends all know about it, so she was aware but just keeping hubby in the dark.

There is not incentive for the guy in a situation like this to "reward" such behavior because what kinda of message does that send? Treat me poorly and I will work really hard to treat you better? That can start a viscious cycle. Perhaps Starfires is right and it was fully his fault, he wasn't doing something right and it caused her to pull back, but she has to communicate that like an adult, when she has those feelings, not months or years later when the damage of her having a habit of negative thoughts about him and damage to him from being cutting off is already done and etched in stone.

I think avoiding this in a marriage comes to down communication as once a woman has harvested negative feelings about her man and kept those feelings inside long enough to feel annoyed / used / disgusted that her man wants sex, it is too late and few relationships actually ever recover from that. It would take major communication to recover, and lack of communication is at the root of the problem, so by default, the mechanism of repair isn't there.

No woman or man is a mind reader, and any party in a relationship shouldn't change the game without discussing why they are changing it.

My advice would be to keep your side of the street clean for a while, don't push for something she doesn't want. Know you can't force her to change and this maybe who she has become. If you can't fix the communication problem (root cause), its not going to get better.


----------



## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

re16 said:


> I think you are right this feeling of being neglected / underappreciated and cutting off sex are common issues. What was difficult in my experience with this was, there was no communication (or there was flat out denial) that this was occuring, it just changed. Then the guy is in a situation of what had worked just fine in the past, perhaps for many years, is now somehow not enough, and the wife didn't say anything until it had manifested by cutting him off. The unfortunate part is that typically although she didn't say anything to him, likely her girlfriends all know about it, so she was aware but just keeping hubby in the dark.
> 
> There is not incentive for the guy in a situation like this to "reward" such behavior because what kinda of message does that send? Treat me poorly and I will work really hard to treat you better? That can start a viscious cycle. Perhaps Starfires is right and it was fully his fault, he wasn't doing something right and it caused her to pull back, but she has to communicate that like an adult, when she has those feelings, not months or years later when the damage of her having a habit of negative thoughts about him and damage to him from being cutting off is already done and etched in stone.
> 
> ...


re16, you sound bitter, so I'm sorry for what you went through. But this OP didnt come here with malice or bitterness for his wife. He was actually very understanding and empathic, so to discourage him or indicate the miracles he can't possibly conjure really aren't helpful.

Please try not to indict human nature because all of us are caught up in this dumb thin. There's nothing new about what he came here to say and nothing new about what you said. Everybody's just following life's patterns and being who we are. So it doesn't make sense to be angry that women don't communicate the way men need them to any more than it would make sense for me to indict men for not automatically knowing. Not one of us occupies the mind of the other. Nevertheless, I wish things had worked out better for you so you could have that to reflect on and share.

And, honestly, wives often do communicate but their husbands don't hear them because they tune their wives out for "nagging." A wife needs him to spend time with her, for example, so she asks him to do that. It just might be that she asks him to do something with her or to go somewhere with her, but he doesn't hear that because she's not a priority to him. He hangs out with buddies, goes to the bar, is constantly on his devices, watching porn, working long hours every night, etc. because those are the things he wants to do. Over time, she's tired of feeling neglected so when she leaves (or cheats), then he's shocked because he didn't know she was unhappy despite her trying to tell him all the long. Too often, it ended up in arguments. This is just one example of what occurs, has happened throughout history, and will continue because it's human nature. But don't think I'm indicting either party or that I'm projecting. I'm simply trying to let a man know what his wife needs and may be missing. Sometimes, it takes an unrelated party to convey the message. Hopefully, he will listen to me and have an outcome that doesn't produce bitterness.


----------



## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

if UTIs are frequently happened from PIV sex, the man needs to wear a condom. Its that simple. Condoms suck, but consecutive UTIs suck even more


----------



## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

StarFires said:


> re16, you sound bitter, so I'm sorry for what you went through. But this OP didnt come here with malice or bitterness for his wife. He was actually very understanding and empathic, so to discourage him or indicate the miracles he can't possibly conjure really aren't helpful.
> 
> Please try not to indict human nature because all of us are caught up in this dumb thin. There's nothing new about what he came here to say and nothing new about what you said. Everybody's just following life's patterns and being who we are. So it doesn't make sense to be angry that women don't communicate the way men need them to any more than it would make sense for me to indict men for not automatically knowing. Not one of us occupies the mind of the other. Nevertheless, I wish things had worked out better for you so you could have that to reflect on and share.
> 
> And, honestly, wives often do communicate but their husbands don't hear them because they tune their wives out for "nagging." A wife needs him to spend time with her, for example, so she asks him to do that. It just might be that she asks him to do something with her or to go somewhere with her, but he doesn't hear that because she's not a priority to him. He hangs out with buddies, goes to the bar, is constantly on his devices, watching porn, working long hours every night, etc. because those are the things he wants to do. Over time, she's tired of feeling neglected so when she leaves (or cheats), then he's shocked because he didn't know she was unhappy despite her trying to tell him all the long. Too often, it ended up in arguments. This is just one example of what occurs, has happened throughout history, and will continue because it's human nature. But don't think I'm indicting either party or that I'm projecting. I'm simply trying to let a man know what his wife needs and may be missing. Sometimes, it takes an unrelated party to convey the message. Hopefully, he will listen to me and have an outcome that doesn't produce bitterness.


I'm not sure it is helpful to continually beat the drum that always the males fault.
Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't.
It can't be the males fault every single time, but yet that is always your view.

Count how many times you blame the OP in your posts, it is a lot. There is a chance, it is not his fault.


----------



## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

re16 said:


> I'm not sure it is helpful to continually beat the drum that always the males fault.
> Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't.
> It can't be the males fault every single time, but yet that is always your view.
> 
> Count how many times you blame the OP in your posts, it is a lot. There is a chance, it is not his fault.


You and some others want to say I blame the men all the time. That is not just ridiculous, it is tired.....and pathetic. Gillette, as a good exmaple, posted a commercial about toxic male masculinity and practically every man in the country lost their minds in uproar. While there were some women who defended men, it was only to contend that not all men are like that, which is more than obvious. But the men's objections were based mostly on not liking that men were being called out, whether or not they, themselves, fit the profile. And since there were so incredibly many men who objected to the commercial, it had to include those who do fit the profile, but they didn't hesitate to object. It was just about protecting men in general because their feelings were hurt, as if stating that there is a definite problem is what created the problem. Again, it's not just ridiculous, it is tired.....and pathetic.

That's the same problem here with you and some others. You just don't like a man being called out (or even helped as in this instance), so you accuse me of doing it all the time whether or not you ever saw me come down on women. You read me come down on women in my opinions, but I still get accused of blaming men all the time. Or, you have never read the many times I came down on women, so you think you are correct in your absurd assumption just. Again, it's not just ridiculous, it is tired.....and pathetic.

In other words, you and those who accuse me just don't like that men ever ARE to blame and don't want any man to ever be told he is to blame. Whether or not he is to blame notwithstanding, you just don't want men ever called out. Is it that you just want "boys to be boys" and it doesn't matter how women think and feel? Or based on the Gillette commercial, does it matter to you how anyone thinks and feels about men's actions?

I didn't blame this guy for anything. My effort with my post was to let him know how women often feel and to let him know what his wife needs from him in order for him to receive what he needs from her. And, to support my point as well as to offer ideas, I posted links from professionals and others, no less - most of them men. But what? All of them always blame men too, I suppose. That you perverted my words and reduced the whole thing down to blaming him (and based on your first post) shows a warped sense of men's responsibility and a warped opinion of women.

I tried my best to explain how human nature often works and made a point to stress that no one is to blame. But what did you do? You are so bitter and you so keenly object to men taking any responsibility whatsoever, that you responded to accuse me of always blaming men because that was the best you could come up with after practically encouraging this OP to not even bother trying to involve himself in making his sex life better. For the final time, it's not just ridiculous, it is tired.....and pathetic.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Damn. Tell poster what you really meant.

I'm feelin' the love 👍


----------



## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Seems I've hit a sore spot. Your reaction just proves my point even further. The good advice you have gets lost in the male bashing. If its a repeat comment to you, maybe you should actually think about it.

Sorry for the threadjack OP.


----------



## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Damn. Tell poster what you really meant.
> 
> I'm feelin' the love 👍


So not fair, Rags. I was talking about re16 and a couple others who accuse me of always blaming men just because they don't want me to tell a guy that he needs to do something or needs to do something more than he does. But I guess there's no way to explain it without being accused anyway.

It's awfully funny to me that he complained of women's lack of communication and men shouldn't be expected to read women's minds but as soon a woman tells a man what women need so at least THAT man understands his wife better, then he jumped to immediately accuse me of blaming men. Very interesting catch 22.


----------



## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

There is no Catch 22. You would have to be open to the *possibility* that OPs wife is the root of the problem, not the OP, to see it that way.

Or just get super defensive and launch a personal attack against any poster who posts some different advice than you offer, even if that poster has been in the exact situation OP has and you haven't. I'm pretty sure such attacks isn't what TAM is about and frankly I'm tired of reading such attacks from you across many threads. Kinda ruins it for everybody.


----------



## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Girl_power said:


> So people have been over treating UTIs with antibiotics and it’s causing these antibiotic resistant UTIs and Its causing a lot of problems.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I agree here 100%

If she's prone to UTI, is she drinking cranberry Juice daily?


----------



## Naturalover (Dec 3, 2020)

WandaJ said:


> I had my share of UTIs in my life, they were always related to cold weather, few times every winter. Then I moved to the south and these problems stopped.
> 
> However, sometimes I would get it during sex - but not because of the sex - but the A/C was just blowing on that area, when it was exposed. Is it possible that this would be aproblem for her, not sex itself?


I am not laughing at your UTI at all I just thought it was hilarious when you said the a/c was blowing in that direction... umm yea it’s getting hot in that area!!


----------

