# dating after divorce



## itscomplicatedforsure (May 30, 2013)

I am divorced, and am dating a divorced man. We both have kids about the same ages, ages 15 to 24. Be have both been divorced for at least 2 years. Neither of us has met the other's kids yet, as we have both not wanted to introduce a relationship too early. We have been dating for over a year now, and my kids do know that i am dating, and i am actually ready to make introductions. He is very worried about letting his kids know because he also fears that his children will be upset. Also, he wanted the divorce, not his ex, and she has said things to the kids that she shouldn't. He does not see the kids a lot due to their ages, and is very afraid of revealing that he is in a relationship. He travels for work, and we don't get to see each other much during the week. I live for the weekends we can spend together. Sometimes i feel like i am placed on the back burner because of his kids. I try not to be upset about it, but it is getting harder to do so. When should i expect him to be ready to at least TELL his kids he is dating?


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Are you sure he's divorced? Sorry for that question, but with darn near adult children, I dont understand his resistance.
I guess if all is on the up and up in that regard, and youve been dating a year now, it would seem common for his kids to at least know he was dating.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

I hope you're okay!


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## itscomplicatedforsure (May 30, 2013)

Yes, I am sure he's divorced (there are ways to check that, you know  His resistance has been his ex telling the kids it was all his fault, and his concern that they will be upset. He doesn't get to see them much, and tries maybe a bit too hard in that regard. I really trust and love him, but this is getting to me....


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> His resistance has been his ex telling the kids it was all his fault, and his concern that they will be upset.


Well, betrayed spouses tend to say things out of emotion. In reality, he is allowing his own guilt to dictate his actions. They have been divorced over two years?????? Sheesh. Operating out of fear is something he is going to have to stop.

I am shocked his kids wouldn't know he is dating.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I agree - kids should know Dad is dating. No big announcement - when discussing weekend plans he just says he has/had a date. Normal conversation will flow. Is HIS ex dating?

He is giving his ex too much power. She cannot keep the kids away. Also he should send her an email (documentation) to please not say XYZ to the kids, just because he wanted the divorce does not make him a bad guy or a bad parent. He can also bring it up with his kids acknowledging that Mom is still really mad and says things about him that aren't true/aren't nice and he hopes she'll be able to move forward instead of being stuck in the mire of blame.

Lastly, don't make introductions a huge deal. Summer is coming - have a cookout. Invite SEVERAL friends with kids. Include his. This really takes the pressure off! Following that, do activities where you two meet places (park, ball game, roller rink, whatever) so there is a distraction. You don't want everyone sitting around looking at each other awkwardly.


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## itscomplicatedforsure (May 30, 2013)

EnjoliWoman, 
Some good advice about introductions and such. I will be ready with suggestions when I discuss with him - soon!

Dedicated2Her,
Yes, he does let his guilt dictate his actions in regard to his divorce. He very much felt it was a moral responsibility to stay in the marriage for his kids, but finally made the decision to leave. But that guilt stays around, unfortunately. I know I stayed in my marriage for far too long because of the kids (as well as financial fears). So hard to look back on life and feel it was spent poorly. I really care for this man, and it's so nice to actually enjoy being with someone. And while I am still willing to give this situation time to change, I refuse to stay hidden away like we are doing something wrong.
And I have to say, it helps to be able to talk with others about it. Thanks for the support.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> He is very worried about letting his kids know because he also fears that his children will be upset. Also, he wanted the divorce, not his ex, and she has said things to the kids that she shouldn't. He does not see the kids a lot due to their ages, and is very afraid of revealing that he is in a relationship.


Not all children can be as understanding as yours. I know for a fact introducing a woman either than "mum" to my daughter would spell disaster, hence I intend to keep my future relationships low key and clandestine. It appears my STBXW has also done this with her new boyfriend.

My mother post-divorce also fell in love with a divorcee (divorced several years even) but his kids continued trying to get him and his ex wife back together, and eventually my mother had to leave him. She was realistic, and she understood him; sometimes you just don't what you like, but what you have to for your children.

All I'm saying is that there's nothing wrong with him


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## itscomplicatedforsure (May 30, 2013)

RandomDude,
I have always felt that some single/divorced parents introduce people they are dating to their children way too early and/or often. We were both in full agreement that we did not want to do this. However, after some point, when it feels like you are going to be with someone for the long haul, it should be okay. Doing what you need to for your kids versus what you want to do I understand as well. Most parent do that many times in their lives, myself included. It's what good parents do. But having said all that, parents are people, too. These aren't young children we are talking about, either. I can't imagine that they think he will never be with another woman besides their mother. And I don't think it's realistic for anyone to be expected to live a 'clandestine' life forever with someone because they chose to get out of a bad marriage but have kids. 
I have faith that we will get through this and things will change. Can't imagine having to make the decision to leave the relationship because of this, so I hope it never comes to that.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well, my mother's ex-bf also had children who were adults, and demonised any woman who got near him, including my mum heh, all the while trying to get their family back together. They were that relentless, and fully believed that the only woman their father should be with was their mum who they loved very much. Nowadays my mother loves him still even though she has remarried herself, and so does he. Quite sad really...

Eventually your man would have to make a choice, but it seems he's either not ready for it or trying to procastinate the decision. Hopefully your relationship will do better than my mum's, but it's a really tough call when torn between your children and your lover.


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## itscomplicatedforsure (May 30, 2013)

I just don't see the reason to have to 'choose'. I don't want to be their mother. I don't even need to meet them yet, if either my boyfriend or them isn't ready for that. But I should not have to be hidden away like I don't exist for the sake of not upsetting them if it affects my boyfriends relationship with me. My BF is out of town most of the week for work. The weekends are the only time we see each other. His son just came back to town for the summer, and normally lives with his mother. But, because of other circumstances, he is staying at his dad's house for a few weeks. Because my BF is hiding that he has a girlfriend, he won't stay the night with me because his son (21) is at his house. But if the son is staying all night with HIS girlfriend, then my BF has no problem being at my place overnight. It sounds so ridiculous to me when I put that down in words!! Your mothers ex-bf needed to grow some and not let his adult children run his life. And for that matter, so does my guy. Or not, I guess, if they choose to live a lonely life instead, so be it. It is sad if that's the way it goes. no woman is going to stick around forever and deal with it....


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

It's sad but hopefully your man can push through this where my mother's ex-bf could not. You have to find the root of the problem, you deserve that much from your man. My mother's ex-bf did tell her the reasons behind everything, he told her the truth, he warned her, but she stuck with him hoping and hoping.

Your man has to come straight with his intentions and be more decisive. Hell now I feel guilty sharing that story >.<
I hope it doesn't come to a split for your relationship, but you guys need to talk, and brace yourself.


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## itscomplicatedforsure (May 30, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> It's sad but hopefully your man can push through this where my mother's ex-bf could not. You have to find the root of the problem, you deserve that much from your man. My mother's ex-bf did tell her the reasons behind everything, he told her the truth, he warned her, but she stuck with him hoping and hoping.
> 
> Your man has to come straight with his intentions and be more decisive. Hell now I feel guilty sharing that story >.<
> I hope it doesn't come to a split for your relationship, but you guys need to talk, and brace yourself.


RandomDude,
No need to feel guilty for sharing the story. I put myself out here for some feedback. And I know that what happened in one story doesn't necessarily mean that's how my story has to end. Although I know it could. Thankfully, my BF and I do talk about things, and have discussed this to some degree. I feel like we know each other pretty well. I know what pushes his thinking on this is his guilt on ending the marriage. I know his kids are his priority. I get that. My kids are my priority as well. But there has to be a balance. We have both always worked with the other on each of us not being available at times so that we can spend time with our kids. It's really become more of an issue since his son came to stay with him a couple of weeks ago. He and I have worked through other issues that were brought to the table by one or the other of us. (Sad that we all have some kind of baggage we are lugging around in life, but that's just the way life works I guess.) I'm not ready to throw in the towel yet. I am going to give this new situation some time to be worked through. I get emotional and hurt, and sometimes I have to remind myself to keep my emotions in check...sux to be a woman sometimes.....


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well, you guys are still together, so there's still hope 

Good luck!


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

The first post on this thread uncovers an important aspect of dating again that should not be taken lightly.

What I am talking about is that if you need to be the priority in your new "friend's" life be prepared for disappointment.

You will find yourself adjusting to coming after the children, grandchildren, siblings, parents, possibly friends, probably hobbies, hopefully but perhaps the dog.

If you need a seven day a week partner keep your eyes open for a 3-4 day per week partner because you will have to deal with your feelings of disappointment.

Keep looking for happiness,
Stretch


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