# Reconciling Abuse And An Affair



## Ambien

Hi, I'm a first-time poster who's read this forum for months and has a long backstory. I'd like to hear the thoughts of others but completely fear the persecution. But what's there to lose, so here goes...

My husband and I have been married for 8 years, together for 11. We have two children together. The entire relationship had been abusive. I didn't realize this until a couple of years ago. He was verbally abusive, emotional neglectful, physically threatening and has taken out his rage on our children and pets. Without exaggeration, he did not contribute to the household, spent a lot of our money on things only for himself, and stopped any sort of physical intimacy with me other than to conceive our children. It was hard to recognize his behavior as abuse, but I did attempt to leave the marriage a few times but could never get myself to do it. I thought he might kill me or murder-suicide with the children. Or at best, make our lives permanently miserable. I also didn't want to break up the nuclear family, believe kids were really resilient, nor trust the courts to decide custody.

Instead, about three years ago, I began an affair with a coworker. I never considered leaving my marriage for the affair. I always maintained that the marriage should dissolve on its own merits, but the affair allowed me to stay in my marriage by filling all sorts of voids. I know it was not a solution, just a band-aid that I leaned on to get me through the day. I am working through my guilt and remorse in individual counseling. I continue to care for my husband, but the marriage was long over before the affair began. I am no longer attracted to him romantically but carry a sense of responsibility towards him. I regret not having left to begin with, rather than seeking solace in a affair.

A few months ago, I finally made the decision to leave my husband. I hired an attorney and moved essential belongings out of the house. Then my husband finally confronted me. He asked if I was planning on leaving. He said he knew about the affair probably as soon as it had begun. But he still wanted to save the marriage, and like a light switch, completely changed overnight. He apologized for being a terrible husband and father, saying that he understands why I had an affair. I apologized for the affair, acknowledging the pain I caused and disclosed that I did have plans to leave. In the weeks following, he'd taken on 50% of the housework, and bought me lavish gifts. Our communication improved and we have even laughed a lot together. Except, I am skeptical of this change and still carry most of the same fears around the abuse. 

I have slowly allowed myself to remain open and began considering the possibility of reconciliation but am constantly perplexed by the overnight change. We have friends who were in an identical situation who recently divorced. Today, I learned that, right around the time that my husband confronted me about leaving and the affair was when the husband of that couple confided in my husband that his wife's affair had brought to light that he had been a terrible husband and father and she remained in the marriage out of obligation. The friend said he understood why the marriage fell apart and his words were almost verbatim to the words my husband gave me about our own marriage. After hearing this, I feel like my husband's efforts to reconcile are not genuine. I believe he is fearful of loss, including control, but his desire to remain married to me is based on ease and pride.

So now I'm struggling with what to do. If there is a genuine possibility of true reconciliation, then I feel I must try to salvage this relationship. But I am concerned that I will never be sexually attracted to him again, that my fears of his abuse will never fully subside, and that he will never actually forgive me for my affair. He is pushing his agenda hard but when I am not comfortable moving forward (such as increasing physical intimacy), he gets easily agitated and says I am being negative and not giving 100% towards saving the family. My husband has finally agreed to seek couples counseling and we are in the process of finding a therapist. But in the meantime, I am hoping there are others who have experiences or opinions to share. I just kindly ask that you try not to berate or humiliate me for what I have done. I can discuss that in a separate post, if you would like. If you've made it to the end, thank you for reading.


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## BluesPower

First of all, you should have already left the marriage, I mean you get that right? 

And the affair was completely and totally wrong in every possible way that it could be wrong. 

So what is going to happen when your husband realizes how actually hurt he is because of your affair. And I am guessing that it went on for what, a year or two. 

Yeah when it really sinks in what you have done how will he act? I mean at some point he will realize that he is being weak by "Trying to save the marriage" like he is now. 

You see, that affair may in fact wake him up to the fact that he was a horrible husband, and that may work out. Most men go into scramble mode when they find out their wife is cheating. Whether they were a great husband or a horrible husband, they try to fix it. 

So maybe, he will be able to be a better husband, but only time will tell. 

But mean while, you have lost all attraction to him and you probably really do not love him anymore. So where do that put you? Do you still have feelings for your AP? Where is that at? 

My experience says that once a woman has lost respect for her H, it is over. Lose the respect, lose the love and what do you have left? Can you get it back? 

The thing is, this could work out, but it may not. His changes could be temporary or they may stick. 

How many years are you willing to wait until you find out?


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## personofinterest

I'm not going to address the affair because I dont have to. Most everyone will EXCLUSIVELY address the affair.

They say once a cheater always a cheater. Here's some scientifically based TRUTH - the stats say once an abuser always an abuser.

Abusers do not change.

You need to leave.


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## oldshirt

I think you are within your right to see definitive change in him over 4 seasons (figuratively speaking) before you commit to remaining in the marriage. 

Anyone can wash dishes and take out garbage for a period of time and anyone can act "nice" for awhile when they are getting their way. 

I tend to view "lavish gifts" as manipulation. 

He has already proven himself a crappy person and crappy husband and father. And anyone that you would fear murder-suicide of their own children should probably not walk freely in society. 

The true test of character here will be how will he act and what will he do when he is not getting his way? 

And how will he act once he feels confident he has won you back?

If you were my daughter, my advice would be continue to work with your lawyer to secure a protection order and secure all your finances and assets. Proceed with the divorce and follow through. 

Then if over multiple years he has shown that he has transformed into a decent, kind human being, functional independent adult and involved, supporting and loving father, then if he asks you out on date, you can cross that bridge when you get to it. 

He has proven himself a bad person, a bad husband, a bad father. It would take him years of completely turning his life around and walking the straight and narrow to prove to me that he has transformed into a good person.


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## oldshirt

oldshirt said:


> If you were my daughter, my advice would be continue to work with your lawyer to secure a protection order and secure all your finances and assets. Proceed with the divorce and follow through.
> 
> Then if over multiple years he has shown that he has transformed into a decent, kind human being, functional independent adult and involved, supporting and loving father, then if he asks you out on date, you can cross that bridge when you get to it.
> 
> He has proven himself a bad person, a bad husband, a bad father. It would take him years of completely turning his life around and walking the straight and narrow to prove to me that he has transformed into a good person.


But since I can already tell that you are not going to do that - I strenuously urge you to at least at the minimum, have all your financial and legal ducks in a row, have the divorce and protection orders drawn up and secured in a safe location outside of your home where he can not access them, and have all of your stuff packed up and ready bolt at a moment's notice. 

Have a soft landing place all picked out ready and be ready to pull the ejection handle at any moment. 

And maintain that high state of readiness for several years and always have an exit strategy and ability to flee in the middle of the night forever. 

Do not ever have any more kids with him. Always have your own self-supporting job and income. Maintain your own separate bank accounts, investments and retirement accounts and credit cards and do not allow him any access to them - forever. 

Live with this high state of egress forever, then the moment he makes any threats, or any violence, any verbal or emotional abuse to you, the kids, the pets or the neighbor's cat; or the moment he starts to drink or take drugs or starts to screw around - pull the ejection handle immediately and don't look back. 

Yes, I understand that living with this high state of vigilance and egress planning is not romantic and probably not what your vision for happily ever after was. 

But this is the price you must pay for the safety and security of the children for staying with an abuser. 

Anything less will be irresponsible and negligent on your part.


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## Ms. GP

Do yourself a favor and read up about the cycles of realtionships with domestic violence in them. It sounds like he's honeymooning you. Him trying to push your boundaries for physical intimacy reinforces to me that his "new" behavior is just a phase. 

Of course, I'm not letting you off the hook either. You're having an an affair while in an abusive relationship, while statically pretty common, is completely dysfunctional. You need individual counseling before you even think about marriage counseling. Good luck.


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## GusPolinski

Abusers generally don’t change in the long term.

Right now you’re holding the ball. Once you relent and give it to him, he won’t give it back, nor will he be as inclined to continue his new behaviors.

Want proof? Leave with the kids and see what he does. Hell, you were getting ready to do it anyway.

As for your affair, is it still actively ongoing?

Is your affair partner married?


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## happyhusband0005

Hi behavior is classic abuser, he will change for a period of time get you settled back in and then once he feels like he has some control back it will start again. But it will get worse. Abusers will do and say anything to keep control. From what I gather from reading about the behavior of cheaters on this forum the patterns are actually quite similar. But I think abusers are probably less likely to ever change and normally abuse is progressive. It's like a serial cheater might have multiple affairs or go from an EA to a PA but they're not going to start going out and getting gangbanged. Crude I know but an abuser might start with verbal abuse then progress to the occasional shove then a slap to the face, then next thing you know your in the hospital. Can some abusers be reformed, I assume yes but not without a lot of therapy and long term help. I don't think you want to be around when he relapses.


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## happyhusband0005

And one more thing, he has taken out his rage on your children. I strongly suggest you get yourself to a therapist with you kids to try to determine the level of trauma they have suffered. Abuse from a parent that can have long lasting negative affects on kids. I cannot emphasize that enough.


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## Ambien

I really want to thank everyone for sharing their opinions, but particularly for being exceptionally lenient with your words regarding the affair. I do want to be clear that I am not blaming my husband for it at all. I simply wish I had been brave enough to walk out before taking any other course of action.

All of your advice is well-received. I have actually done most of the things suggested. All of our finances are accounted for, and believe me, that was no easy feat, as my husband moves money around frequently and puts it in accounts I don't have access to. While we have joint accounts and credit cards, I do have my own accounts, cards and retirement accounts only in my name. My job is secure and is one of the few that still offer a pension. I have a lot of family that live nearby and my parents and brother (who are among those who live nearby) already know that me having to leave at a moment's notice is a possibility. I also have my custody and division of property plans drawn up to be negotiated. And yes, as stated in my original post, I'm in therapy. I have been for several years, when I initially considered leaving my marriage to escape the abuse.

I realize that my husband is in a state of crisis and panic. At this point, it's making me mental. He has been trying so hard to overcompensate for how he treated me for so many years that his "kindness" is nauseating. And yes, I have lost even more respect for him with this behavior. My therapist has suggested that he is possibly being coached, to show that he is a fit father and husband, should it come down to the courts to decide custody and division of property. I live in a no-fault state, so I anticipate everything being 50-50. 

At this point, I am just trying to maintain the little courage I have to leave. I'm not sure if this is applicable to most victims of abuse, but my hardest battle is with myself. Just when I build up enough strength to walk out, the next thing I think of is what his reaction will be. And I always envision that it will be of extreme rage, which, in turn, makes me cower and return to being resigned to an abusive marriage. It feels impossible to break this internal cycle.

Again, thank you for all your words and support. I was actually prepared to have verbal tomatoes thrown at me, but I am encouraged by what people have said.


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## sokillme

Ambien said:


> Hi, I'm a first-time poster who's read this forum for months and has a long backstory. I'd like to hear the thoughts of others but completely fear the persecution. But what's there to lose, so here goes...
> 
> My husband and I have been married for 8 years, together for 11. We have two children together. The entire relationship had been abusive. I didn't realize this until a couple of years ago. He was verbally abusive, emotional neglectful, physically threatening and has taken out his rage on our children and pets. Without exaggeration, he did not contribute to the household, spent a lot of our money on things only for himself, and stopped any sort of physical intimacy with me other than to conceive our children. It was hard to recognize his behavior as abuse, but I did attempt to leave the marriage a few times but could never get myself to do it. I thought he might kill me or murder-suicide with the children. Or at best, make our lives permanently miserable. I also didn't want to break up the nuclear family, believe kids were really resilient, nor trust the courts to decide custody.
> 
> Instead, about three years ago, I began an affair with a coworker. I never considered leaving my marriage for the affair. I always maintained that the marriage should dissolve on its own merits, but the affair allowed me to stay in my marriage by filling all sorts of voids. I know it was not a solution, just a band-aid that I leaned on to get me through the day. I am working through my guilt and remorse in individual counseling. I continue to care for my husband, but the marriage was long over before the affair began. I am no longer attracted to him romantically but carry a sense of responsibility towards him. I regret not having left to begin with, rather than seeking solace in a affair.
> 
> A few months ago, I finally made the decision to leave my husband. I hired an attorney and moved essential belongings out of the house. Then my husband finally confronted me. He asked if I was planning on leaving. He said he knew about the affair probably as soon as it had begun. But he still wanted to save the marriage, and like a light switch, completely changed overnight. He apologized for being a terrible husband and father, saying that he understands why I had an affair. I apologized for the affair, acknowledging the pain I caused and disclosed that I did have plans to leave. In the weeks following, he'd taken on 50% of the housework, and bought me lavish gifts. Our communication improved and we have even laughed a lot together. Except, I am skeptical of this change and still carry most of the same fears around the abuse.
> 
> I have slowly allowed myself to remain open and began considering the possibility of reconciliation but am constantly perplexed by the overnight change. We have friends who were in an identical situation who recently divorced. Today, I learned that, right around the time that my husband confronted me about leaving and the affair was when the husband of that couple confided in my husband that his wife's affair had brought to light that he had been a terrible husband and father and she remained in the marriage out of obligation. The friend said he understood why the marriage fell apart and his words were almost verbatim to the words my husband gave me about our own marriage. After hearing this, I feel like my husband's efforts to reconcile are not genuine. I believe he is fearful of loss, including control, but his desire to remain married to me is based on ease and pride.
> 
> So now I'm struggling with what to do. If there is a genuine possibility of true reconciliation, then I feel I must try to salvage this relationship. But I am concerned that I will never be sexually attracted to him again, that my fears of his abuse will never fully subside, and that he will never actually forgive me for my affair. He is pushing his agenda hard but when I am not comfortable moving forward (such as increasing physical intimacy), he gets easily agitated and says I am being negative and not giving 100% towards saving the family. My husband has finally agreed to seek couples counseling and we are in the process of finding a therapist. But in the meantime, I am hoping there are others who have experiences or opinions to share. I just kindly ask that you try not to berate or humiliate me for what I have done. I can discuss that in a separate post, if you would like. If you've made it to the end, thank you for reading.


You can't white knuckle change like this. He needs lots of therapy. But you need it too. You should have left. Personally I think nether one of you should be married until you deal with your issues. You both should do better for your kids. I say that as a person who's stepfather was verbally abusive and who grew up never feeling safe or at least relaxed in my home. Both of you need therapy and to not be around each other until you both learn how do deal with your issues. Him with his abuse and you with your codependency and eventual abuse. Do what's right for your kids.


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## Ambien

@oldshirt and @sokillme

Your thoughts were particularly helpful. It made me think more broadly about healing, and the possibility of rebuilding the marriage. We were operating under such urgency that it was killing us, but in taking a step back, I saw that not only would time tell if his transformation was permanent, but also that if he was committed to reconciling, then he would accept that it would take however long for me to believe he has truly changed. This certainly goes for me too, as I am aware that it will take him time to trust me again. Also, we have lots of time. At some point a decision would need to be made, but it doesn't have to be today or tomorrow or even within the year. So, I wanted to thank the two of your for sharing your thoughts.
@sokillme specifically, I agree we need therapy, and to deal with our issues separately before trying to fix the marriage. We have found an MFT that we will begin seeing next week, but my husband is considering going to her for individual counseling instead. And as I mentioned, I have been going individually for a few years now.

I am curious to know what meant about my "eventual abuse." Were you saying that I could perpetuate the abusive behavior towards my husband, kids, others if I don't address it now? Would you mind clarifying what you think the eventual abuse would be? Thanks.


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## sokillme

Ambien said:


> @oldshirt and @sokillme
> 
> Your thoughts were particularly helpful. It made me think more broadly about healing, and the possibility of rebuilding the marriage. We were operating under such urgency that it was killing us, but in taking a step back, I saw that not only would time tell if his transformation was permanent, but also that if he was committed to reconciling, then he would accept that it would take however long for me to believe he has truly changed. This certainly goes for me too, as I am aware that it will take him time to trust me again. Also, we have lots of time. At some point a decision would need to be made, but it doesn't have to be today or tomorrow or even within the year. So, I wanted to thank the two of your for sharing your thoughts.
> @sokillme specifically, I agree we need therapy, and to deal with our issues separately before trying to fix the marriage. We have found an MFT that we will begin seeing next week, but my husband is considering going to her for individual counseling instead. And as I mentioned, I have been going individually for a few years now.
> 
> I am curious to know what meant about my "eventual abuse." Were you saying that I could perpetuate the abusive behavior towards my husband, kids, others if I don't address it now? Would you mind clarifying what you think the eventual abuse would be? Thanks.


Meaning you eventually started to abuse him as well by having an affair.


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## Spicy

This is doomed in every way possible. Get out now! Have your brother stay with you for a while after you move....


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## Marc878

IMO most people do not change their base character. They can alter it for awhile but at his age I wouldn't count on a last ditch stand. You do need to stop the affair. 

I'd proceed with divorce. Too much damage here.


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## Ambien

@sokillme: Thanks for the clarification. Your point is well understood. I initially thought you meant eventual abuse that hadn't yet taken place. I thought there was something I wasn't foreseeing, something I was totally blind to, but yes, I recognize that my actions are equally hurtful.


As an update, we are moving towards separation. He is still hanging on. I have made it clear that I would only be in this to keep the family a unit, which does not work for him. I know, in the long run, it would not work for me either. He is coming to terms with the fact that I no longer see him as a partner, other than in co-parenting. 

In terms of the transformation, I'm actually starting to believe that it's genuine. There was a moment when he returned to his former self, but since then, I have seen a sincere interest in change, possibly because he started accepting that this marriage is over. I guess when it was "just" the threat of me leaving, he could put on a show. But now that I've made it clear that I no longer want to be in this marriage, it's a different reality.

He's begun thinking about how much he was shaped by his parents, and the toxic marriage they sustained. He's realizing he won't do anything until the **** hits the fan. He's finally not always putting himself first. He's been kind and thoughtful, without much expectation of reciprocity. It's heartbreaking to see him go through this. 

I just wished that this was enough for me to stay. But I don't think it would be prudent if I did. My priority has become for the both of us to heal individually before we even think about trying to save this marriage. We acknowledge that it's harder to work up from where we are now than to simply start over again. While he's not totally on board with separation, he's also seriously considering it. It just makes the most sense right now.


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## Ambien

I forgot to mention, I ended the affair a while ago. I know that's important information to many folks here, but like I said, I somehow was able to compartmentalize it. I sustained me for a while, but throughout, the main thing I felt about it was that it was disrespectful. Yes, I'm aware that's easy to say now and is something I should have reminded myself of before getting into it. But I definitely did not wear rose-colored glasses while in it.


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## sokillme

Ambien said:


> I forgot to mention, I ended the affair a while ago. I know that's important information to many folks here, but like I said, I somehow was able to compartmentalize it. I sustained me for a while, but throughout, the main thing I felt about it was that it was disrespectful. Yes, I'm aware that's easy to say now and is something I should have reminded myself of before getting into it. But I definitely did not wear rose-colored glasses while in it.


So this post is probably difficult to hear but it's true.

Unfortunately now you are a cheater, that is a title that doesn't ever go away. You will have to decide what kind of person you will be moving forward, will you tell the next person you are with that you did this? Will you try to hide it with the chance that they may find out later. There is no easy way to deal with that but it's something you will have to think about and it will probably lower your pool of potential mates. However lying about it will probably damage your relationship greatly if it is ever discovered because at that point you will have shown yourself to be dishonest which fits into the pattern of a cheater. No one wants to be married to a cheater who has not reformed enough to be honest about their past. At that point it would be wise to have doubts about this persons honesty. 

I think from your words you don't get the magnitude of your decision and the impact is will have on your life. Cheating is more then doing something to someone else in the end you do it to yourself as you harm yourself and unfortunately it changes the perceptions others have of you. I say this not to put you down but to give you some idea of some things that may come up in your future. I have some experience as my Father cheated on my Mother when I was a child. 

Your husband is still your children's father and if you have not told them their will probably be a day when they find out. When they do you will will be forced to address that so I think it's better you address it ahead of time. This is important as it will have a definite impact, also with time your husbands perception of what you did to him will change and if you don't survive he may not be as gracious to you when discussing this. Which is entirely his right after all you were his wife and from your post seemed to have a long term affair. Even if ending the marriage was justified the years of lying to him and probably your children, the secondary life so to speak will not speak well of you. There is no way to justify this because even if he was an ******* you actions made you and inauthentic person to everyone. 

Also their will probably come a day when your kids will be cheated on or even worse be tempted to cheat on their partner, whom may be the parent of your grandchild at that point This may be someone whom you like and respect. In the former if they are cheated on you can expect that your actions will come to the forefront of their mind as they suffer through the repercussions of the betrayal. This was a big part of my coming to terms of being cheated on, knowing that my Father had done the exact same thing to my Mother, the think that was causing me the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. I can't say that hasn't shaped my opinion of him. He has also contributed to that by never talking to me about it with regret or taken any accountability for those actions. I can't say that it puts him in a good light in this respect it also shut down any discussion of relationships with him as I don't want his advice on that subject because I don't respect it. 

As far as the potential for your kids to cheat. How you deal with this may determine how the think about cheating in general, they may decide that since their own Mother was able to do it to their Father this may be an acceptable way to behave when their marriage faces a crisis as all marriage do. Again you may grow to love your child's spouse so their cheating my hurt you greatly. You need to be able to speak to this with authority so getting ahead of it is a good place to be in. You need to show them the damage it does so they are warned. If it happens can continue a cycle that spreads to your grandchildren and their kids as well. As it stands right now even if you don't think in you have caused suffering their will probably be long term ramifications that you have not felt as of yet. 

Again this is not me trying to condemn you but to give you and idea of what infidelity really is. It's like rape, it impacts the rest of all parties involved for their entire life. I am years past my incident and am married and have been for a long time. I feel totally healed an never feel any pain from what happened to me, yet it impacted me enough (along with my father's actions) that here I am posting on this board about it. It has a tendency to rear it's ugly head when you don't expect it and cause emotions that you didn't know existed. During my recovery from the impact of the affair that happened to me I became angry at my Father again and I had to deal with some residual feelings that I though I had long suppressed. It really changed my perception of him when it comes to relationships in a way that if he had just divorced my Mother it would not. This was completely unexpected but understandable as now I had a visceral knowledge of what and truly awful thing it is to do to another human being. I wish he hadn't done that or at least he had apologized to me for doing that to my family. I suffered because my Mother was suffering and need to heal herself when I was at an important point in my development. You may not believe it but I could write more on this subject but I think you get the point.

Unfortunately you made a bad choice that doesn't go away even once you end your affair and as you live your life you will see this. It's why no one should do it.


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## jlcrome

A few suggestions:
Have a date night at a restaurant in public. This would put him or both of yall in a neutral place. Sit down and lay it all out. Discuss what it would take to xyz. 
I disagree abusers never change may take time but think this. Do alchoholics change? Cheaters?thieves? Liers? Drug users? Criminals? Selfish people? Gamblers? Porn addicts? Hoarders? Smokers? Unhealthy? Just to name a few. 
Abuse is subjective meaning some people say arguing is abusive and some say calling your wife awful stuff. We just can't use a wide brush stoke and put everybody under the abuse catagory. 
So will your husband change? Sure nothing is set in stone. You changed by regretting cheating if this logic holds true why can't the other. 
If you decide to work at it do it at a "safe distance" be honest with him. Tell him that his xyz bothers you and it needs to be fixed. Stop saying you never change tell him you have faith in him that things will get better. But only do this if he is sincere about beinga better person.
This decision is up to you just another angle to look at.
Put your trust in god there's a saying paul was at one time saul if your a christian you know what i'm getting at.
Best of luck.


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## MizzArie

Im praying to God that even now you are ok. Im not going to judge your affair,but i understand why you may have done it. 
I understand alot of what your going through. I wont call you dumb for not leaving because I know what it is to think its not that easy. 

I cant give you advice, I can only tell you my experience.
I was with my husband for 11 years. I left a month ago. I am literally penniless, unemployed because of a brain injury i sustained in 04 but has now been showing its progressed, i lost my vehicle, struggle everyday, but everyday is beautiful to me because Im not getting degraded humilliated beat or want to put a gun in my mouth.
My husband is a Narcissist. He literally cannot feel love ,sympathy or empathy. He does not have remorse or accountability. He mocks emotions, to appear normal.
In 2015 i lost my job and he beat me for three days over it. On the 3rd day i left on foot in below zero weather because I felt he was going to kill me. 
I was gone for 1 month, i had nowhere to go so i went back tail between my legs. While i was gone he found a phone with fb messages between myself and a male. Well this male and I had business dealings and also was hubbys bf since he was11. This male saw me beat so many times, he was scared for me im under 5 ft weighed about 80 lbs then, anyway, nowhere in the msgs indi ated an affair AT ALL. However it became the fuel to his fire. The firsf few days were loving. Then out of nowhere I was attacked for hours physically emotionally, God I wanted to die. So after weeks of this and a huge black eye later, i took off again. This time i stayed gone for awhile i got my own place etc. Then the text messages ive been in therapy yadayada I let him back like a fool and endured beatings psychological games that made me want to die.
This past year i got pregnant. That didnt stop him. I found him on numerous sex hookup sites and what waz hiz defense? The affair i never had. I lost my baby in Dec. I began to blackout in February have seizures etc, still he would not let the fake affair go. After my recent MRI he struck me in my head in a spot where it caused me to stutter over an hour. He literally could have killed me and you know what, he may have gotten away with it because of my condition. That moment i realized, everyday of my 11 years with him. 
The vagueness, the double standards, the coldness, the cruelty, he did not love me but hardest realization, he didnt have any humanity to not hit me ,no regard for my life and was not afraid if he killed me. 
Even now because we are divorcing we are discussing a lump sum instead of having the right to his assets until he dies, he still does stuff to test me. 
Such as withholding items i need from storage, hell drop off bs, i dont need, hes asked for sex demanded sex and I told him to please find someone else for that. It eats at him,. He doesnt feel bad for anything hes done, he never will.

Your situation seems similar. Trust me hes compiling evidence, hes destroying you behind your back. Then the main event. Hes going to blow up. 

I dont know you, but i know the **** he says you are the blame all of it isnt true. You have to know he will NEVER STOP. ITS AGAINST HIS NATURE, HE TRULY FEELS JUSTIFIED AND IS NOT SORRY.
I thought i would never leave i loved my abuser with my soul. Then i saw he didnt have one. 
I pray Gods strength in your life. Please get out of there😢😢😢


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