# Another Weight Issues Thread



## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

Last night I decided to directly discuss the lack of sex with H. We're down to once a week if I'm very lucky, but it's more like once every 10-14 days. If I turn him down (which happened this week due to fatigue), I regret it; he initiates maybe once every three months. The rest is all me.

He was diagnosed Type II diabetic, high cholesterol and moderate BP a yer ago August, and lost 75 lbs, then gained 25 back. he weighs 195-200ish at 6' tall, and had weighed 250 or or so at his highest, for 3+ years. ETA: He weighed 225ish when we married.

After he ducked and dodged a little, I directly asked him if my weight gain had anything to do with his lack of apparent interest in me, and if it had to do with the limited number of positions we use during sex. Then...the long pause. "Yes. Nobody's attractive when they gain weight, but I do still love you and have sex anyway."

That kills me. I got mad and replied "I f*cked you when you were 250. Cut the crap", then I exited the conversation a few sentences later. He really didn't have much of a response.

First, here are my current stats, from a webmd calculator which is a little more comprehensive than the NIH one:
Gender: Female
Height: 5' 0"
Age: 43
Current Weight: 130
Current Pant Size: 12
Weight Goal: Lose 2 pounds per week
BMI: 25.4
Waist to Height Ratio: 0.55
Healthy Body Weight Range: 95 and 128
Target Heart Rate: 89 to 133
Target Caloric Intake to Meet Weight Goal: 1200 

I know I'm 15-20lbs over my own comfort zone; my hips and sciatica are telling me that. I also know I'm only 10lbs over my weight when we married 5.5 years ago. I'm improving eating, and not exercising like I should. I'll begin walking today, and we can't afford gyms, etc. No equipment here at the house. ETA: I've been parking at the back of parking lots, and taking my disabled chld out more often, which means loading a 60-lb kid, then his 30lb wheelchair into an SUV.

My weight and body image are mine (and the body image wasn't great to begin with.) But for him to throw this HUGE double standard at me? Total PA BS. It's yet another way he avoids accountability for skewed beliefs (the hypocrisy that he was entitled to sex while obese, yet I'm not at 'mildly overweight'), confrontation and communication.

Throw me ideas; I've been taking weight action for 2 weeks. It looks like I'm toning up but haven't lost weight. (See my perimenopause thread.) I have *no* desire to have sex with him now. None.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

It's total PA BS. I'm with you.


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

I'll be double checking phone records daily beginning today, and having friends scope out his work place when he's there late at night. I see a setup and it's time to take action.

I'm so angry and hurt. TEN pounds. Really?

issed: :banghead: :cussing:


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

Gee. Maybe he'll 'reward' me with sex once I lose the weight. Barf.


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## marshmallow (Oct 15, 2013)

This makes me angry, I don't know. 10-15 pounds over your married weight really isn't that much. Why are you limited to only a few positions? Is it because of your back problems, or because of your few extra pounds? Did you use the "I fscked you when you were 250" because you were mad or because you really didn't find him attractive when he was that heavy?

I don't know. Something seems a little off, and I'm glad you're taking action. There are a lot of people in the CWI subforum that can help you with ideas to validate your gut feeling, so I would check there for more help.


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

We're limited because he 'takes charge' in the middle and I stopped speaking up and demanding the positions I wanted; he found ways to 'change it up' and get what he wanted even then. My back actually benefits form most positions. I also stretch twice daily because I've torn ligaments lifting the boy before. 

Initial phone search turned up no strange things. Taking notes at CWI later this morning after my meeting and calls.

We all know it's not really about the weight: it's about control. In true PA style, this stuff never shows in public. That's when he dotes. Remember, he's also refusing IC and is under-employed after agreeing to support the family when he married into it. My side work (custom clothing) is just now picking back up, and that's a huge relief.

Mods, feel free to move this to the best appropriate forum if you'd like.


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

Okay I am male so not sure I should be here. I you want me to leave just let me know.  So as for the 10 or 15 pounds that is all bullshyte and you know it. I am not going to say anything more on that as you know it is crap.

Now lets talk about weight gain and losing weight. So I work out a lot I also work with a professional bodybuilder who is in nationals and a level 1 Cross Fit trainer both are my friends so we talk a bunch. If you want some suggestions I can give you a bunch of them as well as a decent program to follow. First I need to get an idea of your goals and your time management as well as diet restrictions.

1. How much time a day do you have?

2. Physical problems that restrict movements? Heat or cold issues?

3. Diet restrictions?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You asked him. HE WAS HONEST. Holy crap. Damned if he does, damned if he doesn't.

He was honest. Yes, it hurts. Lose weight or don't, but he was honest. Maybe he's not attracted, he can't help that. 

If you don't want an honest answer, don't ask a sticky question.


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

He was honest, and also hypocritical and incredibly shallow. he weighed 250 at one point, and was appalled when I refused certain positions because it literally was dangerous for me due to his weight.

He lacks empathy. Sure, he has other things going on, serious things, but there is no excuse for that. He could have refused to discuss it.

Last night he asked why I wasn't cuddly/wanting to have sex, so I told him. "My feelings are hurt and your expectations are completely unrealistic. Your hypocrisy is unattractive to me." 

Then he denied saying it at all.


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

CEl, to answer your questions:
1. How much time a day do you have?
_ enough, for sure. We're so broke we can't afford a gym, so it's outside or DVD for me now. I'm borrowing P90x from a friend but..._

2. Physical problems that restrict movements? Heat or cold issues?
_...I'm afraid my sciatica might interfere. I lift a paralyzed 60-lb child multiple times daily. heat and cold: Extremes get to me; I get cold easily and am willing to bundle up, and ultra hot makes me faint. General working out in average temps hasn't been an issue before._

3. Diet restrictions?
_food allergies to sulfa, which isn't an issue: I eat spinach instead of lettuce, and cook onions. Cauliflower and cabbage are the only two no-go's for me. I reactivated my LiveStrong meal planning and calorie counter today!_

I've been thinking that even if he's totally honest, the timing chaps my a*s. He was LD when I was a size 8, too. He's making excuses, and it's his brain and emotions that drive his refusal and avoidance more than my actions. That won't stop me from getting back in shape and strength-training, though. I need it for the kiddo and because more muscle feels better on my back and hips. I still stretch 3x/day too, and am nearly as flexible as I was in high school. 

I look good enough to get hit on frequently, I'm artistically talented and am beginning to sell my work again, I pull my weight at home, I have a few close friends, I flirt with him regardless of his attitude (after a day to bounce back), because even though he's being a jerk, he's still attractive physically and I know he feels crappy within. I think I might do too much. I fear stopping again because he doesn't pursue when I do look good. I honestly think they guy is pis*ed because I won't let him use his past trauma as an excuse for not improving himself now, even while he expects me to improve myself physically and while I already am continuing my emotional improvement in T.


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

Sounds like you husband wants to shift the blame for his LD rather than figure out what's going in with him. There is no way that 10 extra pounds on a woman would halt desire from most husbands. It's his issue, not yours!


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

"He was diagnosed Type II diabetic, high cholesterol and moderate BP a yer ago August"

Now that I retread your OP, I caught that part above. I have a feeling this factors are more the problem. Those are all tied to ED. How old is he? Has he had any ED problems? I could be avoidance because of performance anxiety.


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

Cut the carbs and do cardio. Diet pills and all of those lose weight fast plans are all BS. I've been exercising for over 30 years and you will never lose weight without first fixing your diet.


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## HangingOnHope (Oct 26, 2013)

Abc123wife said:


> "He was diagnosed Type II diabetic, high cholesterol and moderate BP a yer ago August"
> 
> Now that I retread your OP, I caught that part above. I have a feeling this factors are more the problem. Those are all tied to ED. How old is he? Has he had any ED problems? I could be avoidance because of performance anxiety.


This is what I was thinking also. Is it possible he has health or medication related ED and his ego precludes him from admitting it? (Just curious if you've had this conversation yet?)

Regardless, it is hurtful.


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

If anything, it's been PE. I've not noticed any ED issues, unless he's masking it well. I know he gets himself off well...grrrr

I'm losing interest in him. He needs to man up and take care of himself, and in turn, his part of our marriage and sex life. 

I said 'no' the other night. He wanted only cuddling last night, and I asked for nothing. I refuse to read his mind, ask more questions or put any more effort into this until I see him not being mean. Ignoring sex while redoubling his effort in child attention, and in cuddling...wha? That feels wrong. It's as if he's saying "See? Look how good I am! But I'm still not going to meet this one crucial need for you, and I'm not going to improve myself to meet it for either of us either." 

I'm pretty much waiting to hear "Suck it up, you're only getting it once or twice a month."

And yes, I reduced carbs beginning yesterday. Walked, too. It feels good!


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## swade87 (Oct 23, 2013)

Wow.. very sorry to hear this. I don't understand men like this. Though most I've been with tend to like thicker ladies. I'm curvy and not overweight.. though sometimes I wish I were a size or so smaller. But my fiance? He tries to feed me cake and burgers so I actually go up a size. He says, "more to love!".


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Tiki,
I am sorry your H is rejecting you physically as I know that is very painful. 

And yes, it is doubly bad for him to act lovey dovey in public and reject you in private. 

This is a sincere question that may tie into your sexual issues so take a deep breath and think about it. 

As for double standards - most of us have them. Does he believe that your financial expectations of him when you married were based on him being a 'him'? Do you think he believes that you are rather disappointed with him in that area? If so, did the disappointment precede the sex issues? Or are those just making it more painful? 

For instance it is normal to gripe if money is tight. But he likely hears those complaints as: you are failing us. 

That stuff can reduce a mans libido. Easier for him to complain about your weight than acknowledge disappointing you.





TikiKeen said:


> Last night I decided to directly discuss the lack of sex with H. We're down to once a week if I'm very lucky, but it's more like once every 10-14 days. If I turn him down (which happened this week due to fatigue), I regret it; he initiates maybe once every three months. The rest is all me.
> 
> He was diagnosed Type II diabetic, high cholesterol and moderate BP a yer ago August, and lost 75 lbs, then gained 25 back. he weighs 195-200ish at 6' tall, and had weighed 250 or or so at his highest, for 3+ years. ETA: He weighed 225ish when we married.
> 
> ...


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

TikiKeen said:


> CEl, to answer your questions:
> 1. How much time a day do you have?
> _ enough, for sure. We're so broke we can't afford a gym, so it's outside or DVD for me now. I'm borrowing P90x from a friend but..._


P90X is a good program and you will see results it combines aerobic work out with weightlifting. If you follow the program even if you can't do the weights and the pull ups you will see results. Tho as you do this you are going to have to find replacement exercises for those that you cannot do. Let me know as their are a number of body weight exercises that will work out well for you. I went on an all bodyweight exercise fest one time and was very happy with the results.



TikiKeen said:


> 2. Physical problems that restrict movements? Heat or cold issues?
> _...I'm afraid my sciatica might interfere. I lift a paralyzed 60-lb child multiple times daily. heat and cold: Extremes get to me; I get cold easily and am willing to bundle up, and ultra hot makes me faint. General working out in average temps hasn't been an issue before._


What really works if you only have about 30 minutest is in home hot yoga. I know the heat would bother you but I do not suggest you taking it that far. Nor doing the hot yoga postures. Here look at this. The Sun Salutations of Ashtanga Yoga You would start by working up to 5 of each of these while wearing sweats and a sweatshirt with heat on. Don't push the heat up to the point where it is unbearable just to the point where you get a good sweat going but are still okay. Once you get 5 of each let me know and I can recommend a progression for you. Do this 3 times a week. Don't do it more than that to start as your body has to get used to the new placement of your muscles. This will increase your flexibility while helping you lose weight very quickly if you have to chose between this or walking do this.



TikiKeen said:


> 3. Diet restrictions?
> _food allergies to sulfa, which isn't an issue: I eat spinach instead of lettuce, and cook onions. Cauliflower and cabbage are the only two no-go's for me. I reactivated my LiveStrong meal planning and calorie counter today!_


Your diet is responsible for 70% of your weight loss. No matter the exercise. So you need to stay away from simple carbohydrates as those turn to fat. You want meat, complex carbohydrates and veggies. No pop. No juice. Water, coffee and tea are all okay if you stay away from sugar and cream. If you have financial problems let me know as I eat well on very little money by just making smart choices with the meat I get and the complex carbohydrates I look for.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Good luck!! 130 and size 12 doesn't see quite right to me mentally, but we are all shapped different.

My wife is 5'[email protected] and in a 6/8 and small breasted.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

TikiKeen said:


> If anything, it's been PE. I've not noticed any ED issues, unless he's masking it well. I know he gets himself off well...grrrr
> 
> I'm losing interest in him. He needs to man up and take care of himself, and in turn, his part of our marriage and sex life.
> 
> ...


Good for you to start your fitness journey. I too have been doing this since March. Because of that, my wife and I have added positions back into our rotation.


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## Marriedand40 (Aug 19, 2013)

Yes, the dreaded weight issues. First off I agree with everyone here that 5'-2", 130 lbs isn't bad at all. Sure we are all our worst critic.

I am surprised that he is so critical considering how dreadfully out of shape he is, 250 at one point is huge and if he is a diabetic, he is probably flabby and has a bad diet, no right giving you the business about your weight. We are all equals here.

Also, you are probably doing the majority of the parenting to a special needs child. Where is the time to work out.

Just a suggestion, maybe look into a learn to run beginner class to jumpstart your routine or download Insanity DVD's or GSP Rush Fit, exercises you can do at home.

I do recommend dressing up a bit, let the guys check out your assets, albeit your butt, boobs, eyes, etc. whatever your best feature is. You need to feel desired too. It doesn't mean you are gonna cheat but we all need an ego boost from time to time.

Let me know how you feel about this.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Ya'll ever see this site? It shows what women look like at various weight, heights and type. Helps women see what they REALLY look like not how we often see ourselves. 

We truly are our worst critics at times and this site squashes that.

Welcome - What Real Women Look Like


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Firstly, your husband is being hypocritical. Massively. But, at least you know the truth and can start moving forward.

Also, don't cut carbs too much. Carbohydrates are our primary source of energy. If you want to build muscle and lose fat, you'll need energy. Cutting carbs too much can actually cause weight gain because the body has to synthesize carbs, which means the body essentially "eats" itself to make energy, which slows metabolism and the body stores what you eat instead of burning it. 

So, don't cut carbs too much. If you eat a lot of them, then try counting how many calories you get per day from carbs. If you're shooting for 1200 calories for one day, you should consume about 600 calories per day from carbs.


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## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

Abc123wife said:


> Sounds like you husband wants to shift the blame for his LD rather than figure out what's going in with him. There is no way that 10 extra pounds on a woman would halt desire from most husbands. It's his issue, not yours!










And as you said, same when you were size 8. He happened to know you're overly sensitive about your weight, so he yapped about that. If he knew you were ashamed of being allergic to strawberries, he would have given that as a reason. (Would be funny if you really are, but of course I just made that up.)

If you want to lose weight, well fine, whatever. Bet it won't make any difference. Someone who feels that bad about himself will probably be worse to you if you feel better about yourself and outclass him even more. Not sure what to do, but trivial changes to yourself don't seem like it. Maybe focus on making him realize if he doesn't improve, he's going to lose...ALL OF YOUR WEIGHT...HE WILL LOSE YOU!!!


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

OhGeesh said:


> Good luck!! 130 and size 12 doesn't see quite right to me mentally, but we are all shapped different.
> 
> My wife is 5'[email protected] and in a 6/8 and small breasted.


I had the same thought as well, but didn't know how the OP is proportioned and I don't know if she's in the US. Sizes are different in other countries. We all carry our weight differently. At 130 pounds, I am a size 4, but then I'm of average height and I have a small frame.


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

MEM, good food for thought. I don't bring up the finances, but he's angry that I became overwhelmed with the bill-paying (read that as "Tiki didn't slow pay the bills H wanted slow-paid and actually paid things on time"), and he's upset that I'm 'piling' it on him while he's working 65 hours per week. Between bad art and special needs kids, I'm in the 70hour range myself. He should do more than just show up for work and do kid things when it's convenient. (He did cook twice this week, which I love.)

LOVE the fitness ideas! Thank you! I'm picking P90x today!

My weight is all in my butt. I have an ass even when I'm a size 6 (American). I had one when I weighed 110, too. I just have a butt. I'm quite alright with that. The low energy, achy joints and lower ab flab? Nope. Dislike.

Last night he said his feelings were hurt. had a child crisis (that's fine now) and when I got home, he only told me he was hurt and wouldn't discuss it. I asked once. That's it. I will not play the come here-go away game. if he chooses to directly address it, I will. I'm done taking the lead on all emotional discussions, sex initiation etc. I suspect he's hurt that I've changed that up. I'm not changing it back now that I see how much time I spent trying to cajole direct non-circular conversations out of him. 

He knows what he needs to do, he's committed verbally to doing it, and the actions don't follow. Ball is in his court now.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

TikiKeen said:


> MEM, good food for thought. I don't bring up the finances, but he's angry that I became overwhelmed with the bill-paying (read that as "Tiki didn't slow pay the bills H wanted slow-paid and actually paid things on time"), and he's upset that I'm 'piling' it on him while he's working 65 hours per week. Between bad art and special needs kids, I'm in the 70hour range myself. He should do more than just show up for work and do kid things when it's convenient. (He did cook twice this week, which I love.)
> 
> LOVE the fitness ideas! Thank you! I'm picking P90x today!
> 
> ...


I think you should read MEM's post again and try to have a little empathy yourself, even though you say your husband has none. It's a lot more insight than a little food for thought. 

And the question you asked your husband.....that's called a **** test. It's a tricky situation and he needs to read up on how to answer them. You should pass that along to him. Have him google it. Or have him read How To Answer "Do These Pants Make My Ass Look Fat?": and get laid like tile!: Athol Kay: 9781468158533: Amazon.com: Books


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Tiki,
I like all of this. And it is bs for him to say 'I am hurt' and then refuse to explain why when directly asked. 





QUOTE=TikiKeen;5183089]MEM, good food for thought. I don't bring up the finances, but he's angry that I became overwhelmed with the bill-paying (read that as "Tiki didn't slow pay the bills H wanted slow-paid and actually paid things on time"), and he's upset that I'm 'piling' it on him while he's working 65 hours per week. Between bad art and special needs kids, I'm in the 70hour range myself. He should do more than just show up for work and do kid things when it's convenient. (He did cook twice this week, which I love.)

LOVE the fitness ideas! Thank you! I'm picking P90x today!

My weight is all in my butt. I have an ass even when I'm a size 6 (American). I had one when I weighed 110, too. I just have a butt. I'm quite alright with that. The low energy, achy joints and lower ab flab? Nope. Dislike.

Last night he said his feelings were hurt. had a child crisis (that's fine now) and when I got home, he only told me he was hurt and wouldn't discuss it. I asked once. That's it. I will not play the come here-go away game. if he chooses to directly address it, I will. I'm done taking the lead on all emotional discussions, sex initiation etc. I suspect he's hurt that I've changed that up. I'm not changing it back now that I see how much time I spent trying to cajole direct non-circular conversations out of him. 

He knows what he needs to do, he's committed verbally to doing it, and the actions don't follow. Ball is in his court now.[/QUOTE]


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

Oddly, I didn't start poo testing him until he got really passive aggressive. I also did get a straight answer though, even though it doesn't explain the lack of intimacy. Not much explains that, other than "he needs therapy for his own stuff."

If he can't get the gumption to talk openly, I'm not very willing to coax it out of him. Not my job, as I've codependently been doing that too long. He really isn't shouldering the weight, so the poo tests are the last thing on my priority list.

Can you tell I'm just worn out? I did think about when he says I don't meet his needs. If he told me what they were, perhaps I couldn't feel like I'm jumping through hoops only to find I don't meet them. So I detach. I do talk, but I'm not initiating sex or more intense conversations. I can't take the rejection and the negativity.

I see detachment not as "moving completely away" but as "giving to myself the extra that I'd been giving to him at my own expense." Balancing back out.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You're wrong. This isn't another weight issues thread. Sorry you're going through this. I know it sucks.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

This is not to let your H off the hook, but I can tell you when I felt bad about my own health, I was more critical of others (i.e., not very encouraging and often dismissive). I have a feeling he sees himself as less than he wished. I guess, my take would of course, let him know you are hurt by his comments, but also communicate with him about how both of you can move forward to eat better and exercise more. Take a take of encouragement and communicate that you want to team up with him to live healthier. I am also wondering if he still has the Type II Diabetes Mellitus diagnosis? Easy way to test get a kit from the pharmacy and check his waking (am) blood glucose levels. DMII can make one feel miserable and grouchy. If he starts to feel better, as both of you will when you start eating better and exercising, a few pounds over weight will mean nothing to either of you. It will be as much a mental transformation as it is a physical one. We often don't realize how much our mental state can be affected by our physical health. 

As for exercising, you don't really need complicated equipment or a gym membership. There are a plethora of online cheap memberships to exercises that do not include all that stuff. Not that I am profiting or advocating any particular product, but for $10/month you can buy subscriptions to something like Daily Burn video. There are others as well. 

I really hope for the best in your marriage and your health. Make it a lifestyle change and not just deal with some sort of fad exercise and diet short term stint. 

We often forget that we still have the anatomy and physiology of our hunter gatherer ancestors. They walked and ran every where, picked up and carried lots of different items needed for survival and did all of this living on the verge of starvation. I am not advocating a paleolithic lifestyle but often fail to realize that our bodies have evolved to do a lot on less. 

One connection you want to avoid is eating any high caloric items when you are stressed. Cortisol (stress hormone), tends to help distribute excess calories into fat stores much more efficiently. This was an evolutionary advantage to our ancestors but works against us in our society of plenty.


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

Indeed, drerio.. you'll appreciate this one... I spent 9 hours today: gathering three years' worth of assessment documentation for one of the kids, who was suspended yesterday for violating an unwritten safety rule. It's a new rule, and a big one too...but the district blipped on putting it in writing for students. So I got to talk with my advocate pal (and gripe about life, then laugh), and then spend hours drafting a BIP for what I thought was an emergency 504 meeting. Nope, I found out an hour ago it's a Manifestation Determination meeting instead.

H gamed all day. I just felt like I was guilting him into getting the other kids from school while I wrapped up everything for the meeting. Did I mention that the kid who went to the ER has Staph?

The past two days have been nuts. And I tackled it all. That feels good, but H is..."ohhh, but I want to have a full day offffff!"

There are no days off in parenthood. Suck it up. Date night will be fun....I'll just practice being in the moment all night. It's good Zen.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

TikiKeen said:


> Indeed, drerio.. you'll appreciate this one... I spent 9 hours today: gathering three years' worth of assessment documentation for one of the kids, who was suspended yesterday for violating an unwritten safety rule. It's a new rule, and a big one too...but the district blipped on putting it in writing for students. So I got to talk with my advocate pal (and gripe about life, then laugh), and then spend hours drafting a BIP for what I thought was an emergency 504 meeting. Nope, I found out an hour ago it's a Manifestation Determination meeting instead.
> 
> H gamed all day. I just felt like I was guilting him into getting the other kids from school while I wrapped up everything for the meeting. Did I mention that the kid who went to the ER has Staph?
> 
> ...


I understand the no days off as a parent. I have two boys, one with ASD, and have been on that crazy train. Your life is on that crazy train, I really do feel for you, I really do. It is unfortunate that your H is not a participating partner. I am so sorry but I know what sounds crazier still, is that I would like you to try something. 

You need to steal away 30 minutes each day - on four of those days it needs to be some form of HIITs (high intensity interval exercising) along with some yoga exercise on the other days. This is for you, not for H, not for kids, it is for you. If you don't do this for you, you will be no good to your kids. I know, I have been there. I am not trying to beat you down, I want to find a way to help you do better.

Not only do I have my ASD son, I came from a background where my dad told me I should just die. This is not to ask for sympathy, but I have been there, with going down the crazy tunnels and self medicating. It is no good. I wish you had the support, but don't let this hinder what you need to do for yourself. It would be great if your H, did what I decided to do and get my ASD son to join me in part of my exercise routine. We regularly eat healthier, we try to eat less. I stopped drinking all together. Again, I know this all sounds tough, but I want to be here to help support you, not beat you down. 

For now, just work toward maybe 3 days a week of that 30 minutes and move toward everyday. Buy less food and choose only the healthier options. It really is surprising how little we really need to eat. Drink more water and try to fill you belly that way. It can go a long way. 

I will stay here on this thread to support. You will be surprised how your own physical health can change your whole thinking. I have been there. Take the time to see where you can steal that time. Just try it, please.


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

Today I resisted carbs. I also found that vegee chili is good.

I also lost the battle at the school meeting. I'm so tired of hearing "willful disobedience" from them and coming home to the "I'll help you if I get something immediately from it" attitude.

My hip slipped out of joint today. So I walked to feel better. It still works! I need to get back into movement every day, cardio or not. I miss it.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

I noticed you are 43. I'm in the same age range and hubby's drive is not as strong as it used to be due to age and meds. We make it work but it's definitely there. Could he be having some physical problems that limit his initiative and because of ego, putting it off on you?

For about a year before my hysterectomy, I initiated rarely and we had sex once every week or two. Now I'm "all systems GO" and we are almost daily. There is a definite correlation between health and sex!


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

TikiKeen said:


> Today I resisted carbs.


Carbs are evil and my downfall. I have cut down significantly on them an lost oodles of weight. Also try to cut out soda, and coffee. Drink water!


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

Coffee??
Nooooooooooooo! I love my two cups!

I forgot to add that last night he held my hand in bed and we've begun joking around again. More input with the super special needs kid (not the one the mtg was about) and then........*crickets*

I called him after the meeting, gave him the general rundown, and then he went all Papa Bear with my Mama Bear. That felt really good. He's got my back, except with us and intimacy.

I honestly don't think he's attracted to me. He's down to 185 now, A1C's are awesome, BP is down....

I still turn heads. That makes me feel a little better, but I want to turn his head.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

yeah_right said:


> Also try to cut out soda, and coffee. Drink water!


Cut out coffee? Perish the thought! Let's not get carried away here....


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

At your current height and weight a lot of men would be happy to give you what you want every night, sometimes twice.

His answer is weird.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

I used to be a coffee fanatic. All day, all night. The stronger the better. Turkish coffee with grounds in the bottom...yummmmmy!!! Even if you can cut some of it, it's a help. Besides the usual caffeine issues like water retention and sleep problems, I also had a type of benign breast tumor that the Dr. said is common in large chested women who drink lots of caffeine.

I reserve coffee for special occasions now. It's a special treat only.

As for your H, while you're chatting in bed, can you start touching him as chat and then be an instigator for more?


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

yeah_right said:


> I also had a type of benign breast tumor that the Dr. said is common in large chested women who drink lots of caffeine.


That would be correlation though. Correlation doesn't equal causation.


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

Tonight I caught MIL in the driveway and touched base to see how she is doing (just because she's been wretched to me and the kids doesn't mean I'm going to stop being kind to her.)

She's going the funeral of the uncle whose death I mentioned in the OP. H hasn't said a word about it; it's tomorrow. His favorite uncle, funeral is tomorrow, memorial is two states away, and I know he could have gotten at least tomorrow off work, if not Monday too. (Sunday is a given.) I'm hurt that he didn't mention any of it to me. Last I heard, the day of uncle's death, H was contemplating driving with his mother. And then nothing for two weeks.

What I'm feeling is indescribable, and not in a good way. I think it's time to break out the Olympus VAR.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

TikiKeen said:


> Tonight I caught MIL in the driveway and touched base to see how she is doing (just because she's been wretched to me and the kids doesn't mean I'm going to stop being kind to her.)
> 
> She's going the funeral of the uncle whose death I mentioned in the OP. H hasn't said a word about it; it's tomorrow. His favorite uncle, funeral is tomorrow, memorial is two states away, and I know he could have gotten at least tomorrow off work, if not Monday too. (Sunday is a given.) I'm hurt that he didn't mention any of it to me. Last I heard, the day of uncle's death, H was contemplating driving with his mother. And then nothing for two weeks.
> 
> What I'm feeling is indescribable, and not in a good way. I think it's time to break out the Olympus VAR.


Sorry to hear.


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

Please hop over to my private thread to continue this. Thanks, folks!


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## BatedBreath (Oct 27, 2013)

TikiKeen said:


> Last night I decided to directly discuss the lack of sex with H. We're down to once a week if I'm very lucky, but it's more like once every 10-14 days. If I turn him down (which happened this week due to fatigue), I regret it; he initiates maybe once every three months. The rest is all me.
> 
> He was diagnosed Type II diabetic, high cholesterol and moderate BP a yer ago August, and lost 75 lbs, then gained 25 back. he weighs 195-200ish at 6' tall, and had weighed 250 or or so at his highest, for 3+ years. ETA: He weighed 225ish when we married.
> 
> ...


I haven't read all the responses yet but just had to respond with how furious this kindof crap makes me. 130 at 5 feet is absolutely not fat! What is his deal? Ugh, men can be such hypercritical jerks. If you feel better at a lower weight, that's fine, but in my experience with my H....when I "correct" one thing he doesn't like about me, he just finds something else to criticize.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

BatedBreath said:


> I haven't read all the responses yet but just had to respond with how furious this kindof crap makes me. 130 at 5 feet is absolutely not fat! What is his deal? Ugh, men can be such hypercritical jerks. If you feel better at a lower weight, that's fine, but in my experience with my H....when I "correct" one thing he doesn't like about me, he just finds something else to criticize.



Watch your diet don't drink alcohol or over consume carbs. My fluid choice would be water. Sometimes the body can resist you and it takes two to three weeks till it starts dropping. Stay with it it will happen.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

For the first time, weight may become an issue with me. My wife isnt fat, but she has not always been lean. She had a MLC, hit the gym hard and got super fit. 

With our declining sex life, she would get mad when I wouldnt share in her joy of having a new body. I would tell her I loved it, but what good does it do me when I cant ever enjoy it? Well, she was a workout beast and I just found out she had an affair.

We are trying to R, and its only been a month since dday. Well, her working out has pretty much stopped. I think shes worked out twice the past month. Its starting to show. Now, for the first time in my life, her weight will probably become an issue.

She worked out so hard everday, got into the best shape of her life, and another man enjoyed that sexy body. Now shes wanting to work it out with me, and that sexy body is starting to go away.


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