# Should I worry about new BF's female friend?



## sarah1971 (Jul 2, 2008)

I"m 38 recently divorced and just started dating again. I met this 43 yr. old guy about 2 months ago at my gym and we have been dating about 4 weeks. We have a lot in common but theres one "issue" thats bothering me. His "best friend" is a single 33 yr old female. He spends the same amount of time with her(even overnight trips) as he does me yet I have never met her. All three of us enjoy the same outdoor activities but not once has he invited me to join him and his "friend" or had her join us. Hes also "funny" with his cell phone there are some calls he gets that when he sees the # and won't answer and I have to wonder if its his "friend". Not once has he talked to her on the phone in front of me and I find that hard to believe shes never called when I was with him. I asked why he never dated her as they spend so much time together and seem to have a lot in common. His response was they decided to stay just friends. He said with her being young she did not want the baggage that comes from dating a divorce man(kids/exwife). I want to believe him but something just sounds fishy. What do you guys think?


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

Yes. You should worry. If she's just a friend, why isn't she a friend of yours also? Too sneaky. That relationship has to change or yours does.


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## sarah1971 (Jul 2, 2008)

cody5 said:


> Yes. You should worry. If she's just a friend, why isn't she a friend of yours also? Too sneaky. That relationship has to change or yours does.


Well I just met this guy 2 months ago so I would not expect to be good friends with this female friend BUT would think he would have introduced her to me by now. That fact he hangs out with her few times a week and talks about her to me you would think he would want us to meet. I have hinted around about joining them in some of their activities but never got an invite.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sarah1971 (Jul 2, 2008)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

Im sorry to say, but id wager hes defiantly double dipping. No guy goes on over night trips w/ women theyre not sleeping with. The whole thing ,at the very least sounds, unhealthy to me. Run, dont walk. Theres other gyms, and other guys out there. Good luck.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

HB is spot on. Set some standards in your dating life. I had quite a few rules when I was dating. One was "no married men" of course. Another was "no more dating after 2 years" because 2 years is long enough for two people to know if they want to be married. So at the 2-year point and he had not asked me to marry him or if I said no, then it was time to re-evaluate our relationship to determine what it actually was as opposed to what I spent that 2 years hoping it would be. I had other rules of course, but the point is not to meet someone and then trip yourself flying to the altar. Use the dating period as a time for scrutiny to determine if this person is right for you. Determine what you will tolerate and what you won't. Determine what is acceptable and not acceptable.

I agree with HB again that it doesn't matter if the guy is double dipping, and that's not what this is about. But I cannot resist agreeing with Franklinfx. The guy is double dipping LOL. Moreover, he is telling you in every way possible that he's double dipping.

First, "_they decided to stay just friends. He said with her being young she did not want the baggage that comes from dating a divorce man(kids/exwife)_" means he wants her and the decision was hers they not be together. You are maintenance.

Also, their relationship is clearly friends w/ benefits, anything but platonic. It means she doesn't want to make a commitment but is not opposed to having fun. 

Then, you know yourself there is no reason to keep this woman from you. Everything about his behavior are the behaviors of a cheating partner. Read these boards and see how classic and typical he is being.

Finally, look at the way his behavior makes you feel. It is disrespectful as all get out.......Totally unacceptable.


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## MrRomantic (Jun 14, 2010)

It obviously bothers you, so yes it is a problem.

It certainly does look like something else is going on. No need for him to be secretive if she is just a friend. 

My advice would be to tell him it bothers you. If he is not willing to change it, I would jump ship now before things get more serious. Granted, you are only a month into the relationship so you don't have a lot of leverage over a good "friend" of his. If he wants you two to work out, he should adjust. If not, consider yourself lucky this issue came up now.

Just wondering, do you guys consider your relationship "official" and "exclusive"? Sounds like you do, does he? Talk about it with him, better sooner than later.


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

Susan, your sense of humor is refreshing:smthumbup:
Ya know, I think guys like this, are the type of guy, most women are attracted to. Theres something about a guy who spreads it around, while giving a good line of BS, that woman find irresistible. Ever heard the old saying, " no one wants to eat in an empty restaurant"?


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## sarah1971 (Jul 2, 2008)

I do tend to aggree with susan2010. I too get the impression he would date her if it was not for the "baggage issue". BUT I do feel they are sleeping together. What I don't get and maybe some guys out there can help me with this one is if she is sleeping with him and he really likes her WHY pursue me for sex? Also if they have an "open relationship" why am I hidden from her? I can bet she does not even know were friends never mind sleeping together.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Welcome to dating in 2010. 

Everyone is reading pick up manuals and purposely dating multiple women to keep them on their toes and fighting with each other over the man.

Of course when a women dates multiple men that's called "Circular Dating" and is _empowering._


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

sarah1971 said:


> maybe some guys out there can help me with this one is if she is sleeping with him and he really likes her WHY pursue me for sex?


 Thats like asking "if you like steak, why eat cheesecake"


> Also if they have an "open relationship" why am I hidden from her?


 Because its probably NOT open. Do you really think shes sleeping w/ him, knowing you are too?


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

Atholk said:


> Of course when a women dates multiple men that's called "Circular Dating" and is _empowering._


 Gee, I always heard that called something else:scratchhead:


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

sarah1971 said:


> I do tend to aggree with susan2010. I too get the impression he would date her if it was not for the "baggage issue". BUT I do feel they are sleeping together. What I don't get and maybe some guys out there can help me with this one is if she is sleeping with him and he really likes her WHY pursue me for sex?


Read Franklinfx to answer your question, and then Atholk's post.



sarah1971 said:


> Also if they have an "open relationship" why am I hidden from her? I can bet she does not even know were friends never mind sleeping together.


They don't have an open relationship. Open relationship indicates commitment. What they have is a non-committed relationship - no commitment, no expectations, no questions, no answers. She doesn't care if you exist. She doesn't care about him or anything he does when he's not with her.


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## sarah1971 (Jul 2, 2008)

Well last night I told him how I felt and that I wanted to meet this friend and he was fine with it. We even made a "date" next Friday for dinner and a movie. So it seems I was wrong but I still think its wierd that they spend so much time together. They just came back from a weekend hiking trip which just the two of them went and stayed in the same tent.


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

Ok ,Im guessing to you ,this is a serious, or at least you desire this, to be a serious, exclusive relationship. If you didnt, you wouldnt be here discussing it. However, I dont think hes taking it as seriously. I mean no offense ,but comon, he just came back from sleeping outdoors, in a tent, with another woman??? Just what exactly do you think went on, in that tent? I can tell you they probably werent just making smores. I wouldnt spend a night in a tent w/ another man, let alone another woman, I wasnt having sex with , which brings me to another interesting question, why didnt he take YOU on this trip? With all due respect, I think youre being a bit naive, which of course is your right, but you sound like youre looking for a serious relationship, why would you want to waste your time with this guy? I just ask because women always seem to fall for these kinda guys and their line of BS. I always wondered why?


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## FOM (Jun 23, 2010)

Susan, do you know what you will tolerate in the long term? If this is something that you will demand he discontinue at some point in the future, I would let him know now and gauge his response. Since you're posting the question on this board, it would appear that this bothers you already. I'm pretty much of the mindset that guys (especially guys older than about 25) don't want female friends just to hang out with (there's a lot less drama with male friends), unless it's a friend with benefits. That's not to say he shouldn't have female friends at all, but overnight trips? There is a possibility that it's a purely platonic relationship, but there's no guarantee that it will remain that way.


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