# 45 years but who's counting?



## boots-on-the-ground

My husband and I met when we were teenagers and married in our very early twenties. It's been a long haul because we are both extremely opinionated and we each feel like we give in 80% of the time which is quite enough and we aren't giving in 81%. A result is that we are chronically dissatistfied because nothing goes entirely our way. Still, we are glad we are married and don't think we would be better off with someone else. To tell the truth, I don't think anyone else would put up with either one of us.

I would not advise anyone to marry a person who ALWAYS wants things different but if you agree on a few things that might be enough.

In my experience, marriages last until someone quits. Simple as that. Neither or us is much good at quitting!

When I get really, really frustrated I make lists of what I will do if he dies first. It's about as long as my arm, now. 

He will be a hermit, he says, and I'm sure he will. He would be reasonably happy as a hermit with a nice garden.

Anyway, we love each other but life is far from ideal. We are no good at compromise. Either we agree (and that's rare) or the fight is on and nobody wins.

If that sounds like no way to live, you are right. Learn to consult and compromise and be fair with each other, if you can. That's my advice. In our case, we haven't figured out how to do that.


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## Blanca

I was all prepared to congratulate you boots, but now i feel a little morose over your situation.  

I think its kind of sad that you feel no one would put up with you. You sound, frankly, miserable.


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## MarriedEverAfter

I like your statement that marriages last until someone quits. The decision not to quit is a huge factor in a successful marriage. I hope you and your spouse find what you need to make it happier for you both. Congratulations on 45 years. That's awesome!


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## Mrs.G

I think the OP is saying that marriage isn't always easy. It is not always a fairy tale and some days, you may even hate your partner. She is trying to paint a picture of a realistic marriage. 

My husband will likely be dead in 45 years.  We could reach 30 years, insha'Allah. Congratulations on four decades together!


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## MarriedWifeInLove

Mrs.G said:


> I think the OP is saying that marriage isn't always easy. It is not always a fairy tale and some days, you may even hate your partner. She is trying to paint a picture of a realistic marriage.
> 
> My husband will likely be dead in 45 years.  We could reach 30 years, insha'Allah. Congratulations on four decades together!


:iagree:

That's exactly what she's saying.

It's not always great and sometimes the bad outweighs the good.

But - when you make that commitment, you should go into it with eyes wide open and be prepared for those times when you hate your partner - because it's going to happen - not a maybe - but a surety.

It's the reason I'm still with my husband.

Sure, things have sucked - royally. No sex, no affection, constant medical issues/emergencies, bad moods, etc. I've wanted to throw in the towel several times, so has he.

But - what keeps us together is we DO love each other. That's what keeps me going and I hope it's what keeps my husband going too.

Even with all the difficulties - I can't truly see myself with any other man.


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## Mrs.G

Even after racist family, long term unemployment and abuse, we are still together. I have had experts tell me that we have a rock solid marriage, especially for newlyweds. People told me to leave Mr.G, when he couldn't find work for an entire year. I knew leaving my then fiance was never an option; marriage is about supporting each other through tough times. I have learned to manage my expectations and be willing to compromise. 

We have both attended therapy for abusive moments. Now I can safely say that demon has been exorcised. :smthumbup:

Struggles strengthen marriage and we all have our own tolerance levels for different things. I could not forgive cheating and neither would he; too much of that in my family of origin. 

My favorite conversations with my husband are about our great sex life, as well as future plans and goals. We have life plans for owning a home, moving to a larger space and visiting out of province family. Since we had a private wedding, I was thinking of having a marriage blessing (church, dress...the whole nine) for our 5th anniversary. My husband would rather take a luxury vacation with me. We prefer to inhabit our own little world, away from controlling and abusive relatives.


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## eli

Hello botg!
your post could be describing 2 companions rather than a married couple. I wonder what part romance plays in your lives after all those years?


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## Mrs.G

eli said:


> Hello botg!
> your post could be describing 2 companions rather than a married couple. I wonder what part romance plays in your lives after all those years?


As the years go on, marriage naturally goes through stages. The first stage usually has more romance. It is not realistic to expect the all consuming romance of being newlyweds forever, especially when children steal your spouse time.

Sometimes couples have a renewed interest in romance after the children have grown up.


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## boots-on-the-ground

Thanks for all the responses -- it was fun reading them. Actually, I was feeling a bit down when I started the thread. Here's the good side: my husband and I know we love each other, we forgive and forget easily, we are our own best friends, we have had many adventures together, and quite a few people tell us they envy our relationship because what we see as difficult they see as close. 

Romance? Well, it's as good as it ever was when I first saw him in a cafe when I was 15. Depends on your definition, I suppose. We are not very romantic in the hearts and flowers sense. He does try but, as in most things, we have different tastes.

We have done things you might define as romantic or you might not. I could easily write a book but I doubt anyone would believe me. Too me, adventure is way more important than romance and we've had a lot of adventure in our lives. 

And companionship, too, for that matter.

I'm not usually miserable, btw. Of course, sometimes I get depressed but not often. Usually life is good and I'm happy. But, trust me, nobody in their right mind (except my dh) would live with me because I'm also moody, controlling, cranky when things don't go my way (which is usually the case, imo) and incredibly opinionated.

Why don't I change, you might ask? Well, I've tried but it doesn't work. All I do is fool people into thinking I'm "nice" when I'm really not all that nice, especially when crossed. And that's not nice! Better to be myself but try to tone it down a little. Even so, I can't keep it up for long. Luckily, my husband thinks it's cute when not aimed at him and he eventually gets over it, when it is.

Btw, he has some doozy faults of his own so do NOT feel sorry for him!

I have seen many times that people break up when one or more aspects of their relationship feels unbearable. If it really is, fine, get a divorce but don't be surprised to learn, later, that the next guy is either the same OR boring by comparison. If you can hang in there you will never learn more about yourself and life than in an "imperfect" marriage. That's my message, if I have one.


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## Threetimesalady

Hi Boots: I saw your post this morning...Truthfully, I was shocked...Saying this I was also so happy to know that you too, are enjoying the happienss that we have...I had done a post about you earlier and in kindness took it off...From what you had said about all the things you would do after he died, I thought that your feelings were the opposite of what I have now seen........

I also deleted a post I had done on helping a man with his aging...Seeing we are all walking our own walk in life I again feel that this is not needed with the younger generation...Ours, like yours is a story of love...We both have been so dearly blessed...I send you my best wishes for a happy life as we are having...These are truly the best years of our life....Take care...Caroline...


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## BigToe

Whatever works. Congrats on your 45 years.


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## CoffeeTime

Wow, 45 years! Congrats. At the heart of me is a romantic and I absolutely love to hear couples making it through the good times and bad. Almost every time I hear of true persistence in a relationship, the admission to being best friends echoes in the stories. May you have many, many more years together ~


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