# Anyone know of a marriage that recovered without the affair exposed ???



## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

Most of you know now that my husband wants a divorce and has an EA (proven through pics)....if not even a PA.

I've read through all the articles on exposing the affair and the success that comes with it most of the time.....

Unfortunately I couldn't find a way to expose the affair other than telling him about my knowledge (half nude pics off his computer).....

I don't see much hope to find a way to expose the affair and so I was wondering....

Do any of you know of marriages that have recovered even though the affair was known, but not 100% proven or exposed....????

Kind of like.....since the betrayed spouse confronted the disloyal spouse about the knowledge, the ds felt caught or realized he's really doing something wrong, the ds woke up and ended the affair and wanted to work on the marriage....

Any ????

God, I'm grasping for straws here.....


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## AeroXlll (Nov 25, 2010)

Going through a 3 month (possibly longer) ordeal where my W has been having an affair. I confronted her multipule times with just knowledge about what was going on and she vehemently denied it every time. It wasn't until I hired a PI and confronted her with actual physical evidence of the affair that she wanted to sit down and be even slighty honest about the affair. Even with proof she still denies some of it. I know thats not what you wanted to hear but it is honestly so easy for people to believe their own lies when they've been telling them so long.... God bless and good luck to you and yours.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Okay NOTE TO SELF here. 

You don't Gather Evidence so that the proof is so overwhelming that the Disloyal will "have to confess." I personally know of one disloyal who was a real estate agent, was going to show a house, met her lover at the empty house and they were IN THE ACT when the loyal spouse saw them doing it through the window. He rushed in and basically yelled, and as she was getting her clothes back on, the disloyal said "It's not what it looked like!" Yeah it was--she was in the middle of having sex with a man other than her husband!  But even if you catch them in the act, some disloyals just WILL NOT ADMIT IT! One lady here on TAM has proof of the affair, exposed to his and her family and employers, and he denied it all the way through the divorce. His family literally pretended it wasn't happening even though he made no attempt to hide the OW at all. 

So "finding proof" in no way makes the disloyal confess or admit adultery. It is for you--the LOYAL SPOUSE--because for a while now your gut has been telling you that "something is very, very wrong" and now you have proof that you can trust YOURSELF! Your disloyal spouse (while in the affair) = UNTRUSTWORTHY but you can trust you!


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

Affaircare said:


> Okay NOTE TO SELF here.
> 
> You don't Gather Evidence so that the proof is so overwhelming that the Disloyal will "have to confess." I personally know of one disloyal who was a real estate agent, was going to show a house, met her lover at the empty house and they were IN THE ACT when the loyal spouse saw them doing it through the window. He rushed in and basically yelled, and as she was getting her clothes back on, the disloyal said "It's not what it looked like!" Yeah it was--she was in the middle of having sex with a man other than her husband!  But even if you catch them in the act, some disloyals just WILL NOT ADMIT IT! One lady here on TAM has proof of the affair, exposed to his and her family and employers, and he denied it all the way through the divorce. His family literally pretended it wasn't happening even though he made no attempt to hide the OW at all.
> 
> So "finding proof" in no way makes the disloyal confess or admit adultery. It is for you--the LOYAL SPOUSE--because for a while now your gut has been telling you that "something is very, very wrong" and now you have proof that you can trust YOURSELF! Your disloyal spouse (while in the affair) = UNTRUSTWORTHY but you can trust you!


Thanks....

But do you know of any couples that divorced (because of infidelity) that reconciled even though the affair was *NOT* exposed ???

It seems like with all I'm reading that there's only a chance for the couple if the affair is exposed  .....


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## frootloop (Dec 20, 2010)

It seems to me if he won't admit to it, then he's lying, and will continue to do so. How can you start fixing anything if he still can't be honest about it?

I also have experienced continuing denial of a PA even in the face of excellent evidence. Its infuriating.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You really need to show the DS the evidence. For me it opened her eyes to the shameful, humiliating, and evil behavior she was doing to herself. Basicly she was in denial, she blocked it out. This way it was easier to lie to my face.

When I confronted her she got it, right of way.

It takes a strong person to admit to adultry, and most in fact all cheaters are weak. Or why else would they sircome to these vampires that pray on these individuals with problematic marriages.



Sorry for the rant. I know it takes two to dangle.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> I've read through all the articles on exposing the affair and the success that comes with it most of the time.....
> 
> Unfortunately I couldn't find a way to expose the affair other than telling him about my knowledge (half nude pics off his computer).....


First note, exposure does not involve the Wandering Spouse - you don't _expose_ an affair to the people already involved in it. It is my guess that they are already pretty much aware of the fact that they are seeing someone who is not their own spouse, eh?

What you are talking here about is CONFRONTATION, not EXPOSURE. You confront your cheating spouse with the fact that you know they are cheating. They may or may not respond (positively or negatively) to your confrontation, they may or may not respond (positively or negatively) to your evidence. Go ahead and show him what you have, if you wish. But keep it safe and hidden for more important uses later. 

The purpose of the evidence is not to show the cheater that they are cheating (they know that already, it is nothing new to them!) The purpose of gathering evidence is to show YOURSELF, and perhaps others (should you need to expose the affair) that the affair is a real deal. It would be _nice_ if, upon seeing that you have evidence, your cheating spouse will come to their senses and return to the marriage. It happens once in a while. On the other hand, I've seen many people deny the exposure, even claiming that you 'doctored' the pictures, or 'hacked' their computer and put them there yourself, or 'it's not what it looks like' - _ad infinitum, ad nauseum._



> It seems like with all I'm reading that there's only a chance for the couple if the affair is exposed .....


Again, if you are confusing CONFRONTATION with EXPOSURE, I'd ask you to make sure you get your definitions straight before you proceed. Of COURSE marriages recover without exposure. They rarely recover without _confrontation_ or admission that an affair happened (sometimes the cheater will come to their senses on their own and honestly admit to their spouse what happened.

Exposure is a step down the line AFTER gathering evidence, confronting the cheater, and after DISCLOSURE (that is, taking your evidence of the affair to someone your cheating spouse views as an authority and wise counsel.) Only after this happens, AND THE CHEATER DOES NOT RETURN TO THE MARRIAGE, would you consider exposing the affair. And I advise exposing it (some people want to avoid that sort of stress) but it is extremely effective. 

Just make sure you are talking about _exposure_ rather than _confrontation_ or _disclosure_.


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## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

I am sure that there are examples of marriages that recovered without exposure - with something as complex as a marriage a cookie-cutter approach is not possible.

The thing that worries me most about your situation is the fear that you seem to have for your husband. Do you fear his physical reaction? If so you should talk to someone about that and make sure that you always have someone with you when you speak to him.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

:iagree: I'm sure there are marriages that don't end in divorce without the affair being exposed. Take for instance, the example of the Other Person (OP) who dumps the Disloyal Spouse. The DS has nowhere else to go so they return to the marriage. 

USUALLY (not always but maybe 98% of the time) for a marriage to really recover would mean that the Disloyal realizes what they are doing is wrong ON THEIR OWN, ends the affair ON THEIR OWN, realizes their own mistakes and contributions ON THEIR OWN, and does the work to repair what they did to damage the marriage ON THEIR OWN. This would take someone who is really self-aware and courageous enough to face themselves and be fearlessly honest--and usually part of the reason Disloyals get into the jam they're in is because they don't want to take personal responsibility and they are avoiding their own issues. Thus it is pretty unusual but not absolutely unheard of. In my ten years dealing with infidelity I can think of a few instances where the disloyal ended it before the loyal spouse knew it happened, was honest, and worked with their spouse to recover their marriage--but I would say I can think of ten or fewer...it's pretty rare.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Affaircare said:


> One lady here on TAM has proof of the affair, exposed to his and her family and employers, and he denied it all the way through the divorce. His family literally pretended it wasn't happening even though he made no attempt to hide the OW at all.


Rome2012,

AC is referring to me I believe,

Right now that we are divorced he still does not talk about the affair, he is still with her and my ex MIL still refuses to see the evidence. He still fools his own mother and the easy circumstance in my case is that he lives in CT and has no family there and no friends that also know me that he can run into. Most of them are here in Canada. He even told his own mother that he spent Thanksgiving with "friends" when his car was parked in front of her house for two days and spent in the company of her own two teenage children and our 2 year old son(disgusting if you ask me)

But I don't regret of exposing the affair now. I had my own doubts about it at one time too. I am still the villain in the family for exposing it though. And like your DS mine filed for divorce as soon as I exposed the affair.

There was a thread here that AC started called "When the DS files for divorce" but I think it got lost in the myriad of posts on this section.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Exposure is one step in the package of steps to follow. The processes is recommended by many who are noted at stopping affairs and rebuilding marriages. 

For yourself I think your question is asked because you fear to expose. Those in affairs fear exposure as the secret and lie is out in the open. Its all about swings and roundabouts. I have hand held a family member through this with great success, it was this site and the MB site that gave me the material including exposure samples to enact an action plan and ultimately recover their marriage. 

Does it work, Yes for a good many. For others - No though I suspect lack of exposure may have delivered the same result.


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