# Why do women like flowers?



## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

A stupid question, I know. But most women do like it and I want to know their thought process.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

because they are pretty, bright and happy. There is no big thought process, us Women are visual creatures.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Because they are beautiful, even though short lived.

It is just a sweet gesture.

They are the sex organs of plants????


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

- They thought of you, and went to the effort to find, select and deliver to you. 

- Since flowers will eventually die, many people think giving flowers is a lame thing to do. Wrong. It's delightful because even though they will die, they'll provide much joy and delight. 

- Having them delivered to the office is awesome. 

- they'll think of you when they look at them.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I have the most magnificent vase of flowers in the lounge currently and like all the bunches before these I think of him every time I look at them. It makes me happy.

Good flowers can last up to 2 weeks if looked after, change the water, re trim the stems and put a little bit of sugar in the vase.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Flowers are sunshine and happiness.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

The reason I ask is I am not a flower giving guy and my logic is why spent the $30 on flowers that die, I might as well take her out to dinner or get her something that lasts. Obviously this male logic does not work with a female.

There is something about flowers that women like that men don't care much about.

This year I plan on sending flowers to my wife at her work on V Day or her birthday (both Feb).


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## bluezone (Jan 7, 2012)

Because getting flowers makes you feel special, and loved. That is why women like them. Even though they might be short-lived, they are beautiful while they last. I think it's the true expression of love. Going out to dinner is nice...but flowers touch a woman's heart.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

all of the above .... and the fact that this special gesture is just for the woman mentioned.

A man may take a woman out to dinner. But he enjoys the dinner as much as she does. And in fact, some men may not like eating alone, ergo, he may be inclined to invite a woman to dinner AND pay for it when he doesn't care about her that much.

But sending flowers is a very focused gesture.

At university, I thought about this, guys may take me out to lunch or dinner, but I rarely got flowers which are a hell of lot cheaper, so it wasn't the cost involved.


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## Cleigh (Dec 5, 2013)

I would prefer something to grow in my garden, but I love getting flowers. They are pretty and it means he has thought about me when he saw them.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Women like flowers because they are pretty and they smell nice. We like a lot of things that are pretty and that smell nice. In fact, we even prefer that our fellas be good looking and nice-smelling. It's kinda a thing with most women. 

We like_ receiving _flowers because it's a visible symbol that someone we care about was thinking of us and cared enough to go to the trouble of actually doing something about it. We like knowing our fella is willing and able to go out of his way to send us something that we'll enjoy - even, perhaps especially, if it's not something he particularly cares about for himself.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

My guess: estrogen. And men like trucks because of testosterone.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

nirvana said:


> The reason I ask is I am not a flower giving guy and my logic is why spent the $30 on flowers that die, I might as well take her out to dinner or get her something that lasts. Obviously this male logic does not work with a female.
> 
> There is something about flowers that women like that men don't care much about.
> 
> This year I plan on sending flowers to my wife at her work on V Day or her birthday (both Feb).


Depends on the female, my friend! 

I do not like flowers. Sure, they're pretty and all. It's just that I'd much rather go out to dinner or stay in with a bottle of wine and some time alone with DH, or even get some little trinket gift than get some stupid bouquet.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

You could always give a potted plant.

That's why I do when I want to send a thank you gift.


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## froggy7777 (Jan 8, 2016)

Because it makes her very happy to receive them. I enjoy seeing her face light up. This pleases me. I love her.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> all of the above .... and the fact that this special gesture is just for the woman mentioned.
> 
> A man may take a woman out to dinner. But he enjoys the dinner as much as she does. And in fact, some men may not like eating alone, ergo, he may be inclined to invite a woman to dinner AND pay for it when he doesn't care about her that much.
> 
> ...


Great insight! Thank to you and all the ladies here!


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

Ok, so another question.

My wife and I just had a fight which lasted 4 days. I was still angry yesterday and wanted to drag this on more but I realized her time of month was approaching and I decided against it. So I opened this thread around that time last night. She saw me sitting up in bed when she suddenly woke up. She didn't say anything and went to the bathroom. When she came back, I brought up the issue and we talked for 30 minutes. Things are better now. I realize that we do not do any me and her things. It's always something with the kids. I need to schedule more dates with her. Just me and her.

She said that I don't do any surprised for her. I reminded her that I bought her a new iPhone 6S as a surprise and even showed up at work one day and took her to lunch. She didn't say anything because she knew I was right.

So now I want to send her flowers to her work. VDay is Feb 14 and her birthday is end of Feb. So ladies, if you were my wife, receiving flowers at work on which day would make you feel more special - V Day or Birthday? On V Day there may be other ladies who get flowers sent, but on her birthday she will be the only one on that day. She might feel embarrassed a bit since it is an Indian dominated company where this tradition is less followed. Thoughts? I want to pick one. 
My feeling is send flowers on V Day and take her out to dinner on her birthday

Our daughter is sick so I am working from home, and I saw my wife get dressed for work. Ahhh she looks so beautiful.


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## CatJayBird (Oct 5, 2015)

How about flowers for her bday and some other kind of delivery for Vday...like Shari's Berries, or a fruit or cookie bouquet, gourmet popcorn...


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

I love the smell of flowers.......it's natural, not manufactured like perfume! :smile2:


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

nirvana said:


> The reason I ask is I am not a flower giving guy and my logic is why spent the $30 on flowers that die, I might as well take her out to dinner or get her something that lasts. Obviously this male logic does not work with a female.
> 
> There is something about flowers that women like that men don't care much about.
> 
> This year I plan on sending flowers to my wife at her work on V Day or her birthday (both Feb).



Flowers are short-lived but memories and strong emotional bonds are not or should not be short-lived. 

I usually don't like sending flowers on special occasions, I prefer to surprise her and send them on some random days (but not too often). When she does ask why I sent them (what was the occasion) - I simply say because when I saw you getting ready for work today, I saw how beautiful you were. The flowers back up your words and that is what she will remember. 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

nirvana said:


> Ok, so another question.
> 
> My wife and I just had a fight which lasted 4 days. I was still angry yesterday and wanted to drag this on more but I realized her time of month was approaching and I decided against it. So I opened this thread around that time last night. She saw me sitting up in bed when she suddenly woke up. She didn't say anything and went to the bathroom. When she came back, I brought up the issue and we talked for 30 minutes. Things are better now. I realize that we do not do any me and her things. It's always something with the kids. I need to schedule more dates with her. Just me and her.
> 
> ...


Did you notice that this is all what YOU are doing? 

You started the conversation after the fight.
You need to schedule more dates.
You bought her the new phone.
You showed up and took her for lunch.
You stayed home from work.
You are buying her some flowers now.

I have the same dynamic in my marriage. I am guessing that the reason for your 4 day fight is because YOU got tired of doing things and receiving very little in return.

It is great to make another person feel loved. But it gets old when you get very little in return.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

My wife has told me she doesn't want me sending her flowers. She thinks they are a waste of money.

I think another big reason is because it makes her feel like she is expected to be intimate with me.


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## cmc (Aug 30, 2013)

I like receiving flowers pretty much for all the reasons others listed. I felt guilty receiving them so I had to do something in return. I'm not sure what guys want delivered to them at work, so I ordered a sandwich to be delivered to my husband. He loved it.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I like the thought behind them.

They're a physical reminder of the giftee.

They're beautiful.

They make me happy.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

I wouldn't do flowers for either Valentine's or her birthday. It's cliche and expected. If you want to wow her, get a gift that she'll love and never have expected. What does she really like? What makes her go "Awww!" or "Squeeee!?.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

They're pretty, cheery, smell good, and if they're given to me by someone I love dearly (like my BF), it shows me he's thinking about me. The best ever is when I get flowers at work. Gets the ladies a wee bit jealous. I admit it. I kind of enjoy that a bit.:grin2:


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

She hasn't had the experience of me having flowers delivered to her office, so this will be a new one for her.
Let's see how she takes it. She may very well say thanks, I loved it, but don't have to do it again. That is okay too. 

Women love to talk to their friends about what their husbands/boyfriends do for them. My wife is sometimes grumpy that I haven't given her enough to gloat about. She is right but she tends to veer towards being too negative.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

lucy999 said:


> They're pretty, cheery, smell good, and if they're given to me by someone I love dearly (like my BF), it shows me he's thinking about me. The best ever is when I get flowers at work. Gets the ladies a wee bit jealous. I admit it. I kind of enjoy that a bit.:grin2:



Indian folks don't send out flowers, that is a very American tradition. So her office is full of Indians with few Caucasians. So she will most definitely be the only one and others will get jealous. At any rate, I'll try once and not have too high expectations that she will love it. Let's see how she takes it.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

MJJEAN said:


> I wouldn't do flowers for either Valentine's or her birthday. It's cliche and expected. If you want to wow her, get a gift that she'll love and never have expected. What does she really like? What makes her go "Awww!" or "Squeeee!?.


Flowers are not expected.  Because I've never sent flowers to her work place ever. She loves flowers too. She's complained in the past that I never get her flowers.

I just gifted her an iPhone 6S that even her friends don't have - a month or 2 ago. She really wanted it.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

lucy999 said:


> *They're pretty, cheery, smell good, and if they're given to me by someone I love dearly (like my BF), it shows me he's thinking about me.* The best ever is when I get flowers at work. Gets the ladies a wee bit jealous. I admit it. I kind of enjoy that a bit.:grin2:


Well, I could claim the same thing about myself, as I consider every day that I give myself to my wife a gift to her >


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

EllisRedding said:


> Well, I could claim the same thing about myself, as I consider every day that I give myself to my wife a gift to her >


Go on witchya bad self!

I wish I could shake your hand. I adore your avatar.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

lucy999 said:


> Go on witchya bad self!
> 
> I wish I could shake your hand. I adore your avatar.


:grin2:


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

EllisRedding said:


> :grin2:


 You TOTALLY made my day! I love RS SO HARD.


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## OpenWindows (Dec 25, 2015)

I like them because they're pretty. And because the only reason for a man to buy me flowers is to make me happy. They serve no real purpose, they're not functional... So to me, it's a very clear message of "I went out of my way do this thing for you simply because it makes you happy.". And if he gets me my favorite types or colors, that tells me that he listens and remembers what I like.

The whole thing makes me feel loved and like I'm on his mind.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

I can't speak for all women, but flowers make me happy. Something about the aroma (if they're scented, like hyacinths) or the color (if they're yellow like daffodils), or maybe that they show you someone has been thinking of you. I have never really received beautiful flowers regularly. Granted there are exceptions - my sister hates getting flowers because they die - but most women love flowers and very few men buy them regularly for their significant others. 

If there were real equality between the sexes, I suppose women would buy men some sort of flower equivalent to demonstrate their affection/attraction/love. But it remains one of those lovely, courtly gestures from a man to woman to symbolize romance. 

I love having them around and occasionally buy them for myself, and often for my mother/friends when I visit.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

I love flowers growing outside. I hate them cut in my house. They're a total waste of money and they're slowing dying on my table...no thanks.

I'm not a gift person at all though. I would rather someone take care of me everyday rather than neglect me then show up with some meaningless token as a consolation prize.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

lucy999 said:


> You TOTALLY made my day! I love RS SO HARD.



If you like Richard Simmons so much, you may also like Little Richard Simmons :laugh:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E7Ki-K4zMnk


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## DevotedLove (Jan 21, 2016)

Not all women like flowers. I am a woman and always disliked flowers as gifts. I personally would rather receive a gift that I can keep for a lifetime as a memory. My husband knows this of me. Back when I was 17 years old and dating him, he knew when we were just friends before our first date that I disliked flowers. Yet, he had given me roses on our first few dates. One day, when the flowers died, I told him in a kind way, "This is why I dislike flowers. They are so pretty, but they just end up dying." On our next date, he surprised me with artificial silk flowers and I was in awe! They are still in my memory luggage until this day. Since then, he has only ever given me flowers made from silk, crystal, or metals. 
Every woman has their own preference of how they see flowers as gifts, it's truly about the man knowing that of them, and going out of their way to get something that's within their lady's liking.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

Thanks again, lots of good insights!

On a somewhat related note, my wife and I had a big fight Saturday night. We finally made up yesterday night on my initiative.

So she called me from work at lunch time and told me about her boss and her bossy ways. My first instinct was to "solve" the problem but I held my tongue and just let her talk and did some "active listening". I asked a few questions and basically just let her talk. The boss said something slightly mean and she was unhappy, so she wanted too tell me. We ended up on the phone for 57 minutes! Most of our calls are done in 10 minutes, but she just couldn't get off the phone. She used her sweet name for me at the end. 

Why women want to talk about a problem and not welcome suggestions for solving is beyond me, but I guess that's the way it is!
Maybe I discovered something today!


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## cmc (Aug 30, 2013)

DevotedLove said:


> Not all women like flowers. I am a woman and always disliked flowers as gifts. I personally would rather receive a gift that I can keep for a lifetime as a memory. My husband knows this of me. Back when I was 17 years old and dating him, he knew when we were just friends before our first date that I disliked flowers. Yet, he had given me roses on our first few dates. One day, when the flowers died, I told him in a kind way, "This is why I dislike flowers. They are so pretty, but they just end up dying." On our next date, he surprised me with artificial silk flowers and I was in awe! They are still in my memory luggage until this day. Since then, he has only ever given me flowers made from silk, crystal, or metals.
> Every woman has their own preference of how they see flowers as gifts, it's truly about the man knowing that of them, and going out of their way to get something that's within their lady's liking.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I usually don't receive flowers as a sole gift. It is done as a gesture and done when I don't expect it.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

OliviaG said:


> Sometimes we just want to be understood by you in those situations, so you "get" what we're going through. Good instincts on the active listening! I predict your wife will love the gesture of sending her flowers and that you will be hearing your "sweet" name from her more and more often.


If she could supplement that with sex, that would do just fine! 

Most of the time I aim to please her and I use my fingers on her which she loves and only when she is warmed up that we do PIV. She enjoys it for sure, but she has more strength to deny than I have.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

CatJayBird said:


> How about flowers for her bday and some other kind of delivery for Vday...like Shari's Berries, or a fruit or cookie bouquet, gourmet popcorn...


I have to agree with this--flowers on Valentine's Day also tend to be 3x as expensive, and they're usually not the best quality. And it's very cliched. 

What are her favorite flowers? Have those delivered on her birthday. Not generic roses, her favorite flowers.

For Valentine's Day, try doing something a little more unique to her, and less cookie-cutter. (So no roses, heart-shaped boxes of chocolate, cheesy teddy bears with sewn-on hearts, and no lingerie. Unless she likes to receive lingerie.) And going out for dinner on V-Day usually guarantees crappy service and mediocre food.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

FeministInPink said:


> I have to agree with this--flowers on Valentine's Day also tend to be 3x as expensive, and they're usually not the best quality. And it's very cliched.
> 
> What are her favorite flowers? Have those delivered on her birthday. Not generic roses, her favorite flowers.
> 
> For Valentine's Day, try doing something a little more unique to her, and less cookie-cutter. (So no roses, heart-shaped boxes of chocolate, cheesy teddy bears with sewn-on hearts, and no lingerie. Unless she likes to receive lingerie.) And going out for dinner on V-Day usually guarantees crappy service and mediocre food.


Agreed. Thats why I always cook something for VDay. Something fancy or that we've never tried. Usually my wife handles desert.

And damn Nirvana they like them because they are pretty. Duh. Trying to make us guys out to be totally clueless? :wink2:


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

froggy7777 said:


> Because it makes her very happy to receive them. I enjoy seeing her face light up. This pleases me. I love her.


This is so gorgeous. 

When Mr H gives me flowers he has such a happy look on his face, he loves to give them to me, he enjoys seeing me happy.

His first wife was a downer on getting flowers, once she even threw them on the ground. Some people are just negative and life draining. It took him some time to first give me flowers but I was so thrilled and he was relieved LOL

Sometimes while we are out walking he will pick me flowers from a garden, we laugh like immature kids and sort of hope to get caught. He likes flowers, the smell, colour, prettiness but mostly he loves me and is happiest when I smile.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Do you know what's better than flowers?
The gift of honesty anf fidelity.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I love flowers. They are living art. The last time my husband bought me flowers, about a month ago, was several bunches (not arranged) for me to arrange. He knew I hadn't done this in a while and what it means to me. It was really thoughtful. I not only had the joy of the flowers and his consideration but also the creativity of arranging them. Although flowers are magnificent regardless of how they are placed. My husband has asked me before how I can put effort and time into something that isn't going to last longer than a few weeks. I just see it as beautiful impermanence; to be enjoyed for the moment.

I also love to give flowers. I'll create arrangements for hosts and friends. Their faces light up... it's beautiful to experience how someone reacts to flowers. I had promised to bring someone a certain flower from my garden this week. It was early morning as I was cutting the flowers and some foliage, trudging about in the rain in my pajamas and garden boots. It was a wonderful way for me to start my day and then her reaction upon receiving them was of pure bliss. With flowers, it's a sensory experience. The colors, textures, design... tactile as well as visual. Like music, they may also tap into fond memories. Particularly with the scent. Granted scented flowers are harder to come by with mass production. Where possible, source from local growers. My favorite flower is scented. A few stems in a vase is simple and elegant.

My husband has sent me flowers to work in the past. I loved the thought and the flowers but not because of how others' reacted around me. Despite the moments I may share here, I tend not to tell these things to friends and others. I'm with those who have suggested the unexpected days and the unpredictable. Unless your wife wants the expected days and predictability. Recently I traveled to catch up with a dear friend. When I opened my luggage, the first thing I saw was a simple 'I love you' on a post-it note that my husband had snuck in. My friend saw it and 'awww...' with all the comments. I felt myself blush. That note was kept by my bedside during the short time I was away. The unexpected. It can be simple.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

My wife taught me not to give her flowers.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

VeryHurt said:


> Do you know what's better than flowers?
> The gift of honesty anf fidelity.


Why not have it all?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

cmc said:


> I like receiving flowers pretty much for all the reasons others listed. I felt guilty receiving them so I had to do something in return. I'm not sure what guys want delivered to them at work, so I ordered a sandwich to be delivered to my husband. He loved it.


Another good gift for a guy is one of those gift boxes filled with goodies.

One time a part of my team (at work) that works in another state pulled off something miraculous in getting a product out on time. I sent them (all guys) the biggest gift basket I could find in the catalog. They were bragging about that gift basket 3 years later. - I know that it's not a romantic story. But I think it shows how a guy would probably react to one.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Another good gift for a guy is one of those gift boxes filled with goodies.
> 
> One time a part of my team (at work) that works in another state did pulled off something miraculous in getting a product out on time. I sent them (all guys) the biggest gift basket I could find in the catalog. They were bragging about that gift basket 3 years later. - I know that it's not a romantic story. But I think it shows how a guy would probably react to one.


This thread has me thinking, VD falls on a Sunday this year so I won't send him anything at work. But like the OP my partner also has a BD in Feb.

I have never sent him (or any man) a gift to work. The sandwich idea sounds funny but Mr H often has multiple meetings a day in and out of the office so a sandwich is not the go.
What do the men think of getting a gift basket to work? I had a look online and there are plenty of wine/beer/spirits & food ones. Do men like this sort of thing?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Holland said:


> This thread has me thinking, VD falls on a Sunday this year so I won't send him anything at work. But like the OP my partner also has a BD in Feb.
> 
> I have never sent him (or any man) a gift to work. The sandwich idea sounds funny but Mr H often has multiple meetings a day in and out of the office so a sandwich is not the go.
> What do the men think of getting a gift basket to work? I had a look online and there are plenty of wine/beer/spirits & food ones. Do men like this sort of thing?


Years ago my husband was on travel on his birthday. I had a gift basket sent to him at his hotel. He loved it. (I just remembered that I did this too.)


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Constable Odo has always given me flowers, since courting days. In the past, I'd only get flowers on a birthday, so I'd become used to buying them myself. He had flowers sent to a hotel for me while on a business trip. He's had flowers sent to businesses where I'm running a week long audit. At home they magically appear on a table at the precise moments I need a pick-me-up. 

His words have always been, *"A lady must always have fresh flowers."*


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## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

I don't like getting flowers. I can think of a million other things I'd prefer: a thoughtful note, a big smile and hug, a phone call, etc. etc.. Unless hand picked from your garden, flowers are a waste of money to me.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Another good gift for a guy is one of those gift boxes filled with goodies.
> 
> One time a part of my team (at work) that works in another state pulled off something miraculous in getting a product out on time. I sent them (all guys) the biggest gift basket I could find in the catalog. They were bragging about that gift basket 3 years later. - I know that it's not a romantic story. But I think it shows how a guy would probably react to one.


You mean chocolates?
She is very conscious of her weight (thank God! Most Indian women in their late 30s just let go) so she will just taste 1 and give the rest to the kids. But I think she likes the thought of receiving one.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

Holland said:


> This thread has me thinking, VD falls on a Sunday this year so I won't send him anything at work. But like the OP my partner also has a BD in Feb.
> 
> I have never sent him (or any man) a gift to work. The sandwich idea sounds funny but Mr H often has multiple meetings a day in and out of the office so a sandwich is not the go.
> What do the men think of getting a gift basket to work? I had a look online and there are plenty of wine/beer/spirits & food ones. Do men like this sort of thing?


You are right. So the plan to send her something on V Day is out. I like the idea of cooking for her! Someone said that a few posts ago. I'll do that. I'll get her chocolates also though that is cliched.

OH CRAP
Her Birthday also falls on a weekend. Screw this. I'll have to get her flowers at home but I wanted to make a big splash and have it sent to work.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Can you send her flowers the day before her BD?


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

Holland said:


> Can you send her flowers the day before her BD?


Hmm that sounds like a good idea. I plan on buying her flowers anyway, so I can send it before the actual day to her work place.

She's never had that experience before, so that would be a good idea.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

My wife complains that I don't surprise her enough, but when I do (the few times), she gets flustered and does not react with the happiness that I expect. It's like she is worried about the loss of control for her. 
Anyway, this time I don't care. I will send her the flowers on the day before her bday to her work and let her react the way she wants.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

nirvana said:


> My wife complains that I don't surprise her enough, but when I do (the few times), she gets flustered and does not react with the happiness that I expect. It's like she is worried about the loss of control for her.
> Anyway, this time I don't care. I will send her the flowers on the day before her bday to her work and let her react the way she wants.


Is it possible that rather than "surprises," your wife is looking for/wants specific things, but done spontaneously? She may not react the way you expect because the surprise isn't anything she actually wants. Or perhaps the execution of the surprise creates more of an inconvenience or hindrance than joy?

Are your surprises speaking her love languages?


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## giddiot (Jun 28, 2015)

I have a friend that her husband brings her flowers once a week, that is so cool. I would like to do that for my wife she loves flowers. She really likes to take them an rearrange them and care for them I feel guilty for not getting them for her more often. And she does not need the pricey flowers, she loves the ones from the grocery store even. To my wife I think it is the sentiment and the show of caring about her that matters. It's definitely one of her love languages. I have to start doing that.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I think flowers are beautiful... NATURE is beautiful with all those bountiful colors.. I love seeing them grow in our yard, on a walking trail... it's also great to visit Gardens ...I love to grab pictures around flowery Gardens.... I've planted many flowers... 

I am also a huge romantic.. *BUT*... 

I told my husband while dating. to never waste his money on flowers... If he even thinks of it... the only exception is.. if there is ROOTS.. ... I do think it's a colossal waste of cash - just to sit on the counter for a week or 2... so I've never gotten roses.. (well except when the Track coach handed me some when we walked 2nd son out on the football field last year for senior night)... 

Seriously.. I'd be just as happy if my husband picked some wild flowers in the back yard & brought them to me.. (our little boys have done that.. very sweet)...
So I love them... but I don't care if they are bought for me - at all.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

Ok, I wanted to post an update. 

My wife's birthday is this weekend. She was a SAHM for over 10 years and started her new job in Jan 2015. I was not sure about sending her flowers to her work place last V Day or her birthday because I thought she might react adversely as she is very worried about "what will people think???" even if it is for a positive reason. 

I have never sent her flowers to her work place in all these years. So I was planning on doing that this year to surprise her. Wasn't sure whether it should be V Day or her birthday. Both are on weekends. I picked her birthday I guess mainly because of better chances of good quality flowers because demand for that day would be lower and she would most likely be the only one in the office to receive flowers on that day.

So last Wednesday I went to 1800Flowers site and selected a nice set of 24 red roses with a vase and ordered those to be sent to her work place. Never done it before, so was a bit nervous as to what her reaction would be. At her work place they have monthly celebrations for birthdays so she and another person were treated to an office party earlier this week so everyone in the company knew it was her birthday. We had a school event for our kid this morning, so went both went in to work late. At 10am, I was at the train station waiting, and she just reached work. I checked my phone and it said delivery was made at 9:30am!! She had a meeting as soon as she got in.

I waited for her phone call and finally it came at noon. No excitement or happiness, she just talked about her going out to get lunch, and work and other usual things. Nothing about the flowers! Hmm... So I figured it didn't reach her yet so was planning to call the front desk at her work to remind in case they left it there. Then after about 10 minutes, she yelled "THANK YOU!!!"  ha ha she was holding out to see if I would say something first but obviously I am too cool for that! > She was really happy to receive the flowers, very thrilled. Her lady boss came by and was pleasantly surprised too and called all the other ladies around to tell them and everyone was oohing and aahing at the flowers. One Indian lady coworker said how lucky my wife was and that her husband never sent her anything. Another Indian fellow said "Wow, your husband seems like a really cool guy!". I wish I was there to see her reactions to all of this!

So she rushed into the office at 9:30am and dropped off her coat and bag in her cubicle and saw a package there which said 1800FLOWERS. She had to run to the meeting so could not examine it more detail. She wondered if it was something the company gave the employees, but then no one else had received anything in the last year. So that couldn't be it. I have never done anything like that, so she probably thought it wasn't me. I asked her if she thought it was some secret workplace admirer lol. She sat through the 1 hour meeting distracted and wondering what it was and who it was from. After the meeting, sran to her cubicle, opened it and saw my card, and that's when her boss came by and then everyone including the top boss came by and she got a lot of attention at work. She will keep a dozen at work and bring a dozen home.



> “There's no such thing as love; only proof of love” - French Saying


Operation Successful!! :toast:

@Holland, thanks for your idea to send it the day before the birthday! Sounds simple, but I probably would not have sent it since her birthday falls on the weekend.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Aside from the fact that they smell and look good, it is what they symbolize. Why do we like trophies and medals? It is because of what they symbolize and flowers symbolize love. We think we are very civilized but we still cling to symbolism and giving flowers says I love you. You can tell a girl that you love her but she probably hears that all the time, or I hope so. You can show her your love by having sex with her but you have sex all the time. However, flowers are a show of love that she does not see every day.


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## Peaf (Feb 8, 2016)

Nice story Nirvana! And that, my friend, is why we love flowers.


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## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

I just like the thoughtfulness and I like when H surprises me with a bunch. I also buy myself a bunch from time to time. I like dong it after I've done a big house clean, it's like a reward


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Oh I just knew it'd be a hit! Great job @nirvana!!!


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

They are pretty, smell nice and bright up a room. Most of all, it lets us know you were thinking of us and you appreciate us. 

My husband came home Friday with a beautiful vase of roses to make up for valentines. It made me feel special and loved. 

Good job OP on sending your wife flowers at work! That's a great move.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

Thanks all. 
She told me she had a great birthday. I took her out to a show, we went out into the city, I decorated a room in the house with birthday stuff and I bought her a nice hour long massage that her back has been aching for.

I think she liked the roses the most, especially because all the other ladies (and her lady boss) crowded around and oohed and aahed about it saying how lucky she was and that their husbands never did that.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

nirvana said:


> Thanks all.
> She told me she had a great birthday. I took her out to a show, we went out into the city, I decorated a room in the house with birthday stuff and I bought her a nice hour long massage that her back has been aching for.
> 
> I think she liked the roses the most, especially because all the other ladies (and her lady boss) crowded around and oohed and aahed about it saying how lucky she was and that their husbands never did that.


You just became a status symbol to your wife -- in a good way.

Basically, the same effect as a large diamond. Good job.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

Update!

My wife and her lady friends are getting their little daughters to do an Indian dance as part of a cultural show. Practice this evening was at our place. Guess what the ladies saw? The decorations that I put up and the big bouquet of roses! More oooohs and aaaaahs and I heard my name being taken a few times saying "ooh how romantic of him!". And heard my wife giggling away happily. 
What awesome timing!

I think I scored a home-run this time (for once).


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

It may be a "home-run" as far as making her happy today, but I am too realistic to know that long term, this will not make too much of a difference. I made her happy, but she will not make the effort to make me happy in the way I would like. "I made healthy juice for you" does not make me happy.

I still feel that I am just a glorified paycheck. At night, I like to hug and cuddle and kiss in bed before we fall asleep. Sex can be once a week since we are both busy and tired during the week. After putting the kids to bed, she spends 30+ minutes on the computer catching up with Facebook and some email and web surfing, then rushes into the bedroom complaining that her eyes are tired, body hurts, her busy day etc etc which I suspect is just code for "back off!". Then she lies down. If I move to her side and hug/kiss, she lies there motionless like a log. Very insulting. If I back off somewhat, she might turn my side and hold my hand.

I find it demeaning that I am begging for this. So from today, I'll stop all the physical touch moves from my side but without being nasty about it. So no hugs, no kisses, no snuggles. I'll even stop calling her during the work day. Let's see if she misses me, because I don't think she does. Maybe I am too available.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

OliviaG said:


> Instead of assuming she's giving you code for "back off!" why don't you just be direct. Snuggle up to her and whisper "I want to make love to my beautiful wife". If she wants you to back off, that way she'll have to be direct about it and you'll know for sure.
> 
> You made her feel very special with the flowers at work and the whole birthday celebration, but you may have some longstanding issues and resentment between you. Keep working at letting her know that you love her and be direct about what you want from her. Try to keep your communication positive and try to keep resentment out of your heart so that it doesn't show in your words and actions.
> 
> If she outright rejects you, then yes, the thing to do would be to give her some space. Pull away from her a bit (while still being pleasant). Keep yourself busy with other things and stop pursuing her. I bet that will get her attention.


Yes, I should probably be direct, but I am not in the mood to be directly shot down though... She seems to think that I want sex every time and that is not true. And I feel silly to profess a kiss by saying "just kiss, not expecting sex". 

I know for sure that she enjoyed her birthday and the work I put into it along with decorating the family dining room and her friendly luckily dropped by when everything was still up and they validated it for her too. I think she thinks that when I want to hug/kiss/sex, I enjoy it and she has to give it to me. Like a service. I look at it as something we both should enjoy. But whenever we do have sex, I make sure she enjoys it and I can tell that she really does.

When she is cooking or something, I like to come from behind and put my hands on her waist. She has a waist to die for and I go crazy looking at it and feeling it. I don't do it in a cheap molester way, but in a loving way.

Right now though, I actually feel like someone is holding a carrot on a stick at a height and making me jump for it while pulling it away.










This morning she was talking about her job and how they were overworking her and how she is looking for a new one. So I asked if she followed up on all the calls she got over the past few weeks (answer is no). So she got snippy. I'll let her handle her career herself. Some folks don't deserve the benefit of other's experience. Then she calls me during lunchtime asking what she should do about another call she got.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

I agree strongly with everything @OliviaG just posted.

Sent from my SM-G900T using Tapatalk


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

OliviaG said:


> My advice is for you to take the chance of being shot down directly. If you're not direct about it then she can misconstrue something. Stop this dance that you're doing where you are misunderstanding each other and then feeling resentful. If she shoots you down, roll over and go to sleep (if you can, I typically can't and have to get up and sleep somewhere else if I'm rejected).
> 
> And don't let yourself believe in your heart that sex is for your pleasure only; IT IS NOT. Women love sex too. If you really think that your wife is having sex solely for your benefit and not for hers then you should have an honest discussion with her. Don't discuss it in the heat of the moment, but set aside a time when you will discuss it with her, i.e. schedule a talk. Tell her that her happiness is important to you and that includes her sexual happiness and you want to know the truth about how she feels about your sex life. (And then you have to accept whatever she tells you without getting defensive if it's something you don't want to hear.)
> 
> ...


The problem that I have is that sex is always low down in the priority list for her. She will never miss out on some event with the kids or things like that, and like I said, she spends about 30 minutes on Facebook or email or surfing the web before coming in to bed, complain that she is so tired and then close her eyes. Sex seems to be a chore to her. She complains that I don't give her this or that, but feels nothing that I might have needs too. I really think that she takes me for granted. She never comes and verbally says anything appreciative. If I ask or hint, she gives me a list of things that she has done for me (I pack your lunch, I made juice for you etc etc). I compliment her for her looks and her cooking and her dressing etc.

I understand what you are saying above, but at this point, I feel rejected and a bit miffed. Most women complain that their husbands don't call, but I always would call when she was a SAHM. I have not touched her physically all March (3rd day now) and I don't really feel like it. I have decided not to call her during the work day either. She's called a few times and I let it go to voice mail and call back after 10 minutes. I think I am too available and too easy. I usually make moves to have sex on Sat or Sunday night and she knows it, (and still puts on the log act) and this weekend, I'll just roll over and go to sleep. Let's see how long I can carry this on because at this point, I feel like a piece of sh!t and will feel worse if I get rejected yet another time.

I'll probably do something different after I feel a bit better.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Sometimes I think my wife loves getting flowers at work because no one else ever gets them.

A few years ago we were apart (I was traveling for work) for the week of Valentine's Day. I sent her a dozen red roses every day that week.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

OliviaG said:


> I hope it works for you nirvana. I understand how miserable the situation makes you feel.


Thanks Olivia. This time I am just pulling away slightly, but not making a big show about it. Earlier, I would pull away and not talk to her for days but this time I don't touch her at all but, I make the usual conversation. I don't give her any compliments on anything even if she dresses well or cooks something good. She usually asks how the food is and I will just say "good" to be polite. I don't call her during the work day like earlier, and when she calls, I let it go to VM and then call back after 10 minutes (to show that I am busy lest she think that I am doing nothing).

It's time that she put some work into this marriage and make me happy. Just like me working on our retirement and saving enough to buy us a nice house does not mean much to her, I would say that her making me juice or packing lunch does not mean much to me either. 

I don't know if I will cave in and give up when I get really really horny, but I will try. I am not deviating a whole lot from my usual behavior so it should be sustainable. I want to see if she will make a move on me. It's been ages, and I could do with the ego-boost. I am in shape, and am not bad looking, so what more does she want? This year I am going to start exercising more and doing weights in addition to the running I do each year. She might just make a move on me just to prove to herself that she's still got "it" because she will be surprised in a week or so that I am not making any moves.

She does all of this to me, probably just to keep me off balance and always guessing. Interesting times ahead. I know this is silly but what the heck.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

nirvana said:


> It's time that she put some work into this marriage and make me happy.


She can't make you happy but she may be able to understand you better if you give her the chance. 

Rather than this pull/push dynamic, why not be straight with her with what _does_ float your boat? The intention isn't to blame her for what she isn't doing but instead to let her in with what is meaningful to you. 

Does she enjoy your touch? And if she does, why not tell her how good her touch makes you feel in return?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

GusPolinski said:


> Sometimes I think my wife loves getting flowers at work because no one else ever gets them.
> 
> A few years ago we were apart (I was traveling for work) for the week of Valentine's Day. I sent her a dozen red roses every day that week.
> 
> ...


Approved!

She would have been surrounded by roses...! and left smiling for days (and years to come at the memory, I'd imagine).


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

heartsbeating said:


> Approved!
> 
> She would have been surrounded by roses...! and left smiling for days (and years to come at the memory, I'd imagine).


She actually called me crying on the third day. Sent me a pic later -- roses EVERYWHERE. She barely had room to work.

Funny story... when roses showed up on the first day, everyone there figured I was a dummy and got the dates wrong. Still, the resident loudmouth called her before she got to work and ruined the surprise.

I called one of her friends the next morning, clued her in, and asked her to (kindly) tell everyone to STFU.

By the third day, all but a few of the women there (the ones Mrs. Gus _hadn't_ worked w/ for years) hated both of us.

But that's probably just because they didn't get squat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

GusPolinski said:


> She actually called me crying on the third day. Sent me a pic later -- roses EVERYWHERE. She barely had room to work.


Nice!


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## RainbowBrite (Dec 30, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> Sometimes I think my wife loves getting flowers at work because no one else ever gets them.
> 
> A few years ago we were apart (I was traveling for work) for the week of Valentine's Day. I sent her a dozen red roses every day that week.
> 
> ...


Nicely done Gus. That gesture will warm her heart for the rest of her life.


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

Nirvana, instead of playing games (I consider purposely not answering her calls to appear being busy as game playing), why don't you just talk to her? Have you expressed that her preparing lunches and juices isn't what you need to feel loved? Or are you expecting her to read your mind?


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

It's day 6 of my No touch policy and looks like she's noticed.
It's hard for me to not touch her because she is so yummy. I always run my hands on her waist before we go to bed and she lets me.

We all had a good time during the day yesterday and at night, I watched some TV. I was waiting to see if she would snuggle up like she does often but that did not happen. Ok, I continued watching TV, made some usual talk, and then turned it off and tried to go to sleep. She was tossing and turning and I thought she might come close and put her arm around me. Nope. Then after about 20 minutes, in the darkness, she asked me why I was behaving this way. I asked her what she was talking about in a polite tone. Then she accused me of making her feel insecure and not caring for her and not giving her any attention (whaaaat?) and if not me, there were several people who gave her attention (I think she means her coworkers who are Indians who are some guys and many gals). I told her calmly to go to sleep and it was late (midnight). Then she said she won't let me win and could deal with my games. I did not reply.

All she needed to do was cuddle up, hold my hand, snuggle up and give me a kiss. Like a woman. Instead she thinks she can bully her way through this. I am not playing this game. Then she stormed out of the room and to the computer for about 15 minutes. Looks like I did mess with her mind and she reacted the same way that I do when she messes with my mind by rejecting me so often. I cannot sleep, so I spend 30 minutes on the computer before coming back. 

The next morning (today), she was already up and I got up, asked if I can make her coffee and behaved normally as if nothing happened. She had that look on her face, but then became normal quickly. 

I want her to initiate affection, love or sex. Not all the time, but at least 25% of the time which I think is reasonable. I didn't marry her to become her paycheck. If she does not know, she can learn. I'm her husband, there is no shame here. 

Let's see how long this goes. All she needs to do is cast away her massive ego. We usually have sex Sunday nights because we are tired weekdays from our jobs and have some event on the other days. We will see if she initiates. If not, I roll over and go to sleep. I don't want to get rejected yet again. I have never rejected her in the past when she's wanted it (many many years ago).


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

Celes said:


> Nirvana, instead of playing games (I consider purposely not answering her calls to appear being busy as game playing), why don't you just talk to her? Have you expressed that her preparing lunches and juices isn't what you need to feel loved? Or are you expecting her to read your mind?


I agree these are games and believe me, I hate it. I always used to pick up when she called, but I also get the sense that she thinks I am not busy or working hard or whatever. Any loving woman would be happy her husband gives her high priority. She's had every thing easy. Let her work for some love, only then will it be valued.

I've told her that we should have sex more often. Once a week is reasonable. She always complains that she is "busy" but obviously she makes time for things when she wants to. She takes me for granted because she thinks I am always available and asking for it.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Your wife sounds like a narcissist, and they usually 'win' at games like this. If she had respect for you and the marriage, she'd be kinder to you. She'd show you love because she wants to, and wants to please you, not because your games have 'forced her hand.' Narcissists lack empathy, and are incredibly self absorbed...and it's their way, or no way. I don't think that pretending to act like her, will bring you the results you desire. Narcissists don't make very good life partners, period. The only thing that she is most likely getting upset over, is that she is losing control over you. It's all about controlling the other person, for a narcissist. 

If you have to play games/pretend to be someone you're truly not, to get sex...is that really how you envisioned marriage?


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

On the plus side, she called up her parents and was gloating about how her husband (me of course!) sent her many nice red roses to work and how everyone was oohing and aahing. She loves this stuff.

Then the questions is why won't she make me happy? Why constantly try to manipulate and tame me? It hasn't worked and never will. Even my teachers in India growing up could not tame me and I was just a kid and in India back then, teachers could kick butt and nothing would happen.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

*Deidre* said:


> Your wife sounds like a narcissist, and they usually 'win' at games like this. If she had respect for you and the marriage, she'd be kinder to you. She'd show you love because she wants to, and wants to please you, not because your games have 'forced her hand.' Narcissists lack empathy, and are incredibly self absorbed...and it's their way, or no way. I don't think that pretending to act like her, will bring you the results you desire. Narcissists don't make very good life partners, period. The only thing that she is most likely getting upset over, is that she is losing control over you. It's all about controlling the other person, for a narcissist.
> 
> If you have to play games/pretend to be someone you're truly not, to get sex...is that really how you envisioned marriage?


Deidre, I think you are right and I have felt this and even told her directly. Her father and sister are actually worse that my wife. In her family, manipulation and control is common. Everyone is trying these tricks on each other. I am not acting like her, I am just not pursuing her like I used to. I think she used sex as a carrot and I need to take that out of the equation. Sex is not currency. That is what got her mad last night and I think she was offended that I did not do anything in bed. I took care not to say anything nasty or be an a$$hole and let her blow off steam.

Today, the kids were out of the house, so she and I went furniture shopping. Just the two of us, it felt like a date! I did not hold her hand or do anything like that, but I opened doors for her etc. Then we went to a shoe store and she liked a couple, so I bought them for her. She was thrilled and she grabbed my arm and thanked me. That was sweet. I'll let her touch me, but I will not from my side for a while. She will have to make the moves for some time. I couldn't resist looking at her from the back as she was looking at the shoes, but I didn't let her see me checking her out.

Anyway, it's an experiment. Let's see how it goes. I hope I don't get weak and try to have sex with her tonight just because I am feeling the stress inside. If she comes on to me, I will give in. :grin2: If nothing else, this is a good mental reset.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

Amplеxor;15134337 said:


> Flowers are just a waste.
> 
> They live for what a few days, then they're dead and right in the trash.
> 
> ...


One of my wife's love languages is definitely gifts and I admittedly have fallen short on this one. I want to do more in many ways.

The flowers made my wife happy.
Good enough for me! :toast:


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

nirvana said:


> Deidre, I think you are right and I have felt this and even told her directly. Her father and sister are actually worse that my wife. In her family, manipulation and control is common. Everyone is trying these tricks on each other. I am not acting like her, I am just not pursuing her like I used to. I think she used sex as a carrot and I need to take that out of the equation. Sex is not currency. That is what got her mad last night and I think she was offended that I did not do anything in bed. I took care not to say anything nasty or be an a$$hole and let her blow off steam.
> 
> Today, the kids were out of the house, so she and I went furniture shopping. Just the two of us, it felt like a date! I did not hold her hand or do anything like that, but I opened doors for her etc. Then we went to a shoe store and she liked a couple, so I bought them for her. She was thrilled and she grabbed my arm and thanked me. That was sweet. I'll let her touch me, but I will not from my side for a while. She will have to make the moves for some time. I couldn't resist looking at her from the back as she was looking at the shoes, but I didn't let her see me checking her out.
> 
> Anyway, it's an experiment. Let's see how it goes. I hope I don't get weak and try to have sex with her tonight just because I am feeling the stress inside. If she comes on to me, I will give in. :grin2: If nothing else, this is a good mental reset.


Can we place bets around here? lol Just kidding. 

I understand why you're doing this, it has to be disheartening to have your wife treat you like this. It would be a hard way to spend one's lifetime, hopefully, it won't come to that. 

There are women who look at their spouses as little more than debit cards...almost like surrogate fathers. So the idea of sex is sort of annoying to them, because their view of marriage is for a man to support them financially, buy them things, etc. They don't see having sex as necessary or part of the equation. I have an Indian friend and Muslim friends and their culture is a bit different however, in terms of 'shyness' with women initiating sex with their husbands, so that might play a part here, too. I hope things work out for you!!


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

*Deidre* said:


> Can we place bets around here? lol Just kidding.
> 
> I understand why you're doing this, it has to be disheartening to have your wife treat you like this. It would be a hard way to spend one's lifetime, hopefully, it won't come to that.
> 
> There are women who look at their spouses as little more than debit cards...almost like surrogate fathers. So the idea of sex is sort of annoying to them, because their view of marriage is for a man to support them financially, buy them things, etc. They don't see having sex as necessary or part of the equation. I have an Indian friend and Muslim friends and their culture is a bit different however, in terms of 'shyness' with women initiating sex with their husbands, so that might play a part here, too. I hope things work out for you!!


ha ha that's why I called it an experiment! 

I want her to understand that a happy marriage is not about controlling each other. Her father in my opinion is the MCP type, he has his wife under his thumb. It was her birthday recently and my wife asked her dad if he got her mom anything and he said "no, she doesn't want anything". So basically he answers for her. On the flip side, I don't subscribe to the hen-pecked husband thing as I am not the type who will put up with that. My wife has a few friends who claim to have their husbands in their control and my wife seems to have been glamorized by that. Does not work with me.

Yes, Indian women are generally more shy compared to Western and I understand that. But we've been married 15 years and she's lived in the US for the same number of years so she is Western enough. She is well educated with a Masters degree, and she is fashionable and I have no objection to anything as I know she is responsible and will not go overboard. 

I am not expecting her to initiate 50% of the time, but just maybe 20%. Just enough to make me feel desired too. At this time I do not feel that way even though I take care of myself, am tall (over 6 ft), have no paunch, have all my hair and look about 10 years younger (other people tell me this). I make 6 figs+, highly educated from top schools, so she is also lucky to have me (but she never says so). I tell her very often that I am lucky to have her. All that will stop and she will begin to feel the difference.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

My wife comes from a far more repressed country in central Asia and despite being here for more than twice your wife's years and also well educated and westernized (lol)... Same attitude.

Don't count on it getting better. Not without serious intervention.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

nirvana said:


> I agree these are games and believe me, I hate it. I always used to pick up when she called, but I also get the sense that she thinks I am not busy or working hard or whatever. Any loving woman would be happy her husband gives her high priority. She's had every thing easy. Let her work for some love, only then will it be valued.
> 
> I've told her that we should have sex more often. Once a week is reasonable. She always complains that she is "busy" but obviously she makes time for things when she wants to. She takes me for granted because she thinks I am always available and asking for it.


Honestly, the games are tiring. I actually just talked with my wife last week regarding some issues (including lack of sex / effort) and believe we are now back on track. If I didn't talk to her and kept playing games, I would just end up further disconnecting myself from her which would not end positively. Work has to be done on both sides as well, can't be a "H, you need to do this, and if so I will then maybe do that" policy. If things revert back I will consider that a huge negative.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

EllisRedding said:


> Honestly, the games are tiring. I actually just talked with my wife last week regarding some issues (including lack of sex / effort) and believe we are now back on track. If I didn't talk to her and kept playing games, I would just end up further disconnecting myself from her which would not end positively. Work has to be done on both sides as well, can't be a "H, you need to do this, and if so I will then maybe do that" policy. If things revert back I will consider that a huge negative.


Good that it worked for you.
But that has not worked for me.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

nirvana said:


> Good that it worked for you.
> But that has not worked for me.


Well, before you pat me on the back it has only been a week lol. I think I laid it all out there and we are on the same page, and the goal is to prevent any sort of relapse. 

In your situation, given my personality, I would just end up distancing myself and minimizing any effort towards her (probably just divert my attention more towards the kids). Definitely not saying that is the best approach, just where my personality would lead things to.


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

nirvana said:


> I agree these are games and believe me, I hate it. I always used to pick up when she called, but I also get the sense that she thinks I am not busy or working hard or whatever. Any loving woman would be happy her husband gives her high priority. She's had every thing easy. Let her work for some love, only then will it be valued.
> 
> I've told her that we should have sex more often. Once a week is reasonable. She always complains that she is "busy" but obviously she makes time for things when she wants to. She takes me for granted because she thinks I am always available and asking for it.


Ok, so you already told her you want sex once a week. Seems that's what happening since you said this:



> Sex can be once a week since we are both busy and tired during the week


You were just complaining about a general lack of affection. So is it the sex or affection that's bothering you? 

It doesn't sound like you've had much of a discussion at all. Have you expressed your desire for more physical intimacy? Have you told her that juices and lunches aren't enough? Have you approached her in a non-combative, non-confrontational manner and asked her why the lack of intimacy? Come up with an actual plan together on how to improve things?


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

EllisRedding said:


> Well, before you pat me on the back it has only been a week lol. I think I laid it all out there and we are on the same page, and the goal is to prevent any sort of relapse.
> 
> In your situation, given my personality, I would just end up distancing myself and minimizing any effort towards her (probably just divert my attention more towards the kids). Definitely not saying that is the best approach, just where my personality would lead things to.


I am doing this for 2 reasons.
I want to stop expecting things. When I expect sex, I get disappointed. So if I don't have that expectation, I don't feel bad.

I don't want anyone to have a carrot to control me. I think that is the case now, so I want to dispel any notion of that.

Well, another one is I just want to "detox" myself and see how long I can go. It may also be good for my wife too to have some time away from sex.

Yesterday as I said we went out to mall without the kids and it was very refreshing. She called me this morning to tell me she enjoyed it and we should do it more often. I enjoyed playing the "boyfriend" though it was not elaborate and not for too long. Next week, we'll go have coffee somewhere.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

Celes said:


> Ok, so you already told her you want sex once a week. Seems that's what happening since you said this:
> 
> You were just complaining about a general lack of affection. So is it the sex or affection that's bothering you?
> 
> It doesn't sound like you've had much of a discussion at all. Have you expressed your desire for more physical intimacy? Have you told her that juices and lunches aren't enough? Have you approached her in a non-combative, non-confrontational manner and asked her why the lack of intimacy? Come up with an actual plan together on how to improve things?


It is both. I think she is much more of a mom than a wife. She is a good mom, but I feel she's taken me for granted. Yes, and the same with the sex. She fills her day with this and that and then comes to bed and crashes saying she is very tired. Okay, I work very hard too and I if I can make time, she can as well. 

She's told me "if you want more sex, you have to listen to me". Okay, what does that really mean, that I become her puppydog? If I do, then she loses all respect for me as a doormat husband. I could never live with myself as one. 

After yesterday's "date", she told me today that she enjoyed it and we should do more. She may be rediscovering her romantic side, so I'll run with that for now. Living in the US with our folks in India, makes it hard for us to have alone time. And her being a supermom (SAHM for 10+ years) has made her forget about everything else.


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

Have you actually asked her what "listening to her" meant? Or are you just jumping to conclusions?

Your communication skills are terrible. I'm sorry to say. Sounds like you two need counseling.


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## the wife1962 (Mar 9, 2016)

I am not a flower/gift/anniversary/birthday person. Noting is expected. Giving anything should come from the heart. Not just because the calendar says so. Or Hallmark pokes your guilt into buying something.
That being said....I was pleased and surprised when my husband showed up this Valentines Day...at the kitchen door....on a Friday afternoon...during work hours....with a bouquet of red roses and a small box of chocolates. 
It showed me he really is trying to make amends for what he did last year! I never asked for the gesture. Nor expected it. The fact that he did it, and told me how it took a week of him planning(he is the super of his shop), asking for that Friday afternoon off, and trying not to blow his cover during his daily lunchtime phone talk with me.
It felt so good that he made such an effort to me, for me. :x


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

the wife1962 said:


> I am not a flower/gift/anniversary/birthday person. Noting is expected. Giving anything should come from the heart. Not just because the calendar says so. Or Hallmark pokes your guilt into buying something.
> That being said....I was pleased and surprised when my husband showed up this Valentines Day...at the kitchen door....on a Friday afternoon...during work hours....with a bouquet of red roses and a small box of chocolates.
> It showed me he really is trying to make amends for what he did last year! I never asked for the gesture. Nor expected it. The fact that he did it, and told me how it took a week of him planning(he is the super of his shop), asking for that Friday afternoon off, and trying not to blow his cover during his daily lunchtime phone talk with me.
> It felt so good that he made such an effort to me, for me. :x


Why did he celebrate VD on the wrong day?


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## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

Dude. Who cares. They just do. And throw in s ballon as well. 

Just be glad you know something that does make them happy. I give my gal flowers weekly. Not expensive either. Big hit if you can deliver them to her place of work


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

I love flowers. It's those small simple things that make me so happy and it's hard to explain. A beautiful flower reminds me how awesome God is and it's a reminder of how beautiful this world is.


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