# sisters in law (long)



## krika (Feb 25, 2014)

Hi

I met my sisters in law after we had been together and lived together for about 2 years. They live in another country, when he is a foreigner. I lived with him and his family for about 1 month when we went to visit them and I blamed a lot on culture. Now I dont think it is that easy to blame the culture anylonger, when I know the culture better and it is basically like western culture, with some twists and things that has happened since making that conclution dosent seem normal.

When I met them at first they were nice, I developed really good relation with one of them and appreicated it very much. With the other sister it was harder, when she was darker in her ways and more manipulative, but I thaught we wore ok. 

Before we left and lived with his family, I later found out that they talked on the internett basically everyday. He told me on many many many ocations that he didnt want to join me visiting friends and different things, when he said he wanted to relax. Boring, but hey.... so I let it go. He also used to talk negative about his younger sister which he chatted with almost everyday. 

After getting to know them and getting some sort of relathionship with them, i was in for a dissapointment. They never took and still do not take the initiativ and write, talk etc. The sister I thaught I had a good relathionship with blocked my phone nr. And this I know for a fact. I once made a call from my fiancees phone, before I realised she had blocked my number. I said, hi, how are you? (when I was thinking it was going to be nice to catch up) she started stressing from the second she heard it was me, where is he, is he ok, and kept repeating this endlessly, I just gave him the phone. After they had talked for a while, they continued chatting online like nothing had happened. I went to the bath and cried my eyes out. He went to her defence.
ok...
when he is calling his family on skype, she talks and acts normal when he sits in front of the camera, but when i get there she leaves and refuses to talk. (???)
I asked him for a heart necklace as a birthday gift, he refused to buy me one, when he said he didnt like hearts... when his younger sister had her graduation at age 23, we went to a store to buy her something, and this was not long after the incident, he pointed at a heart necklace and said it was nice and that we should buy it for her. I asked him first gently, are you sure? he was positive, this escaleted at a later date to a full blown argument. I refused to buy her such a gift, so we didnt.
she has blocked me on facebook in such a way that we are friends, but i cant see her history and so forth. I know this cause I was on his facebook, when we have this sort of relathionship. After we posted a picture of us both on his facebook, she blocked him aswell....
she gets angry if they dont speak, he dosent do it daily anymore, now its not often at all, and she gets really upset, angry and in return refuses to talk with him for a period of time.
yesterday when he was talking on skype with his family, his parents wanted to see me and say hi, when we have a good relathionship(as far as I know atleast), so I decided to join them. when we were finnished talking to them his mother asked her to come and talk to him on skype, she refused, then the mother started laughing and continuesly asked her, hey, he is here, talk to him, why not and so on. First she got upset, then she got soo angry and started yelling. After that all went silent, we were sitting in front of the camera and it was totally weird. The other sister came in front of the camera and said she was going to call someone, looking dark eyed and strange. He asked me what happens now, I said I think that was that, it might be that they are waiting for you to hang up. It was just too weird with no goodbyes and anything. He got stressed and uncomfortable and decided to hang up.

I seriously dont know what is going on or what I have done to set this in motion. I have felt all kind of emotions regarding this. disapointment, sorrow, confusion and so on. I really dont know what is going on and why they are like this. The sister I perseaved as darker and manipulative has suddenly lost the ability to speak english she says... If im not wanted, I wont bother them, which I in no way do. I have stopped contacting them a while back. I have asked him about it, but he has always defended them and said im too sensitive, but yesterday he got proof as to what I have been going through with them, he just looked at me with wide eyes after he ended skype.

I told him I understand more than you know and im not blind. The conversation started and ended there, when I have been trying to make him see this from my point of view for some years now. 

there are just so many situations and they are and its his family, so they will always be a part of his life. When they come to visit they will stay with us and so forth. 
I really dont know how this happened or what to do. I am just pretending that all is normal at the moment and try not to have to much to do with them. His brother, I only talked to him once on skype, turned away when I talked, ignoring me completely and didnt answer. He was defended as a shy person.

Any input would be great. I can not ask or confront them in any way about this, I have tried gently and descreetly and get nowhere. I even asked bluntly once and it was nothing, was told that it was just a misunderstanding. So I really need to know how to handle this and when they come to visit and on family occasion and so forth.

All his sibling are in the mid 20s to early 30s, so no teenagers here

Thank you


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

The problem isn't them. The problem is your husband. He's the one that's allowing/condoning/encouraging their behavior. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

PBear said:


> The problem isn't them. The problem is your husband. He's the one that's allowing/condoning/encouraging their behavior.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


^^This.

People don't have inlaw problems, they have marriage problems. The problem in this case is your husband, allowing this situation to continue.

When you are married, your spouse becomes your immediate family and your first priority.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree that a large part of the problem is that your husband allows this to go on.

But there is something very wrong in his family. The way they are acting is not normal. It's like there is a big secret. He's overlooking what they are doing because that is how his family operates. Instead of handling problems directly they play these games. He was raised to pretend that it's not going on.

Does your husband treat you well otherwise? I ask because his family is so dysfunctional it's hard for me to believe that is not.


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## krika (Feb 25, 2014)

yes, i feel as if there is some sort of secret, but cant figure it out. he has vaguely said so and taken it back and pretend that there is nothing. i have tried with all my being to find out, but came out empty and exhausted. 
in his ways, he is a bit childish, but after hard work we are getting better. his sence of what a relathionship needs has been a bit off, but improving.

thank you for your imput


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## krika (Feb 25, 2014)

he said something not long ago about his family never considered his need when growing up, about him wanting to travel and live in another country and so on. he said i cant just ignore them, its not in my nature, he has to do what is expected of him. then he was about to say someting, stopped himself and looked horrified. turned away and shut down, pretended it was nothing. i asked what do you mean. after pulling himself together he said he must take care of his parents when they get old... ok... Well, dont we all. but there is something that he was about to tell me, but what, have no idea. not many days after i said i knew the family secret, he looked at me in a regular way and said ok.
so by the looks of it, there must be a secret there and i have felt it, but i really dont know what the secret is.
family secrets, how can they drag it with them into the future and let it affect others in such a negative way? i dont get what it can be even and how they can allow it. if there is such a thing as a secret. since he didnt deny it, laugh it off or anything, then there must be.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

krika said:


> he said something not long ago about his family never considered his need when growing up, about him wanting to travel and live in another country and so on. he said i cant just ignore them, its not in my nature, he has to do what is expected of him. then he was about to say someting, stopped himself and looked horrified. turned away and shut down, pretended it was nothing. i asked what do you mean. after pulling himself together he said he must take care of his parents when they get old... ok... Well, dont we all. but there is something that he was about to tell me, but what, have no idea. not many days after i said i knew the family secret, he looked at me in a regular way and said ok.
> 
> so by the looks of it, there must be a secret there and i have felt it, but i really dont know what the secret is.
> 
> family secrets, how can they drag it with them into the future and let it affect others in such a negative way? i dont get what it can be even and how they can allow it. if there is such a thing as a secret. since he didnt deny it, laugh it off or anything, then there must be.


If the issue is a family secret, well families do this kind of thing all the time. They get caught up in a vicious cycle of trying so hard to keep the secret or bury it that it destroys them.

Or it could be that there is some kind of phobic attachment with his sister, or sisters. I've knows a few families where none of the children ever get married. It's like they are a little tribe that will not let outsiders in.

If this is the case, then maybe your husband traveled to live somewhere far away from them so that he can meet his need to be part of them via Skype but be far away enough so that he could start to break the bonds.

You need to stop letting yourself be hurt by what the some of them are doing. It's not about you. There is something very wrong with the family dynamics. they would act like this to anyone he married.

Personally, I think it owes you to tell you what the problem is. When you married you became his primary family. Whatever is going on is causing issues. If it were men I'd tell him that none of this going on with his family makes any sense. And that he brought you into this family, you are being mistreated and you deserve to know why. 

If you do that just say it once. Give him a chance to process it.

But, if you do this be prepared to find out something that might be very disturbing.


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## krika (Feb 25, 2014)

well, what i know is that he had a little sister who died when she was only 1, ive been told from illness, he was 5 years old at the time.
i have also been told he was adopted by close family when he was born, but continued to live with his new parents and his birth parents as one family.

you are right, I should be involved in the secret. cause it is creating confusion, fractions and destructivness, but i dont think he will ever tell me what it can be, since now after 6 years together, he for the first time was about to tell me and stopped himself and looked completelly shooked by what he was about to say.

it is hard to become a member of a family that i experience as so caothic and i have a problem with their ways of setting boundaries. like there is none. they do have a strong moral and prinsipal way of life, when his biological father is strict. so, he is setting the boundaries in the family and trying to hold on to the old ways. this is also a part that is confusing, cause i like boundaries within a family, but their boundaries is solely based on moral and principals. people walk straight in to their house without phoning or even knocking on the door first. they can come from far away and suddenly they are standing in the middle of the living room. everyone must drop wathever they are doing and greet them and make them feel welcome. this can happen at any time, i have experienced it happening from 7 am to 1030 pm, one never knows when visitors will come (this is only one example)

i have a chronic illness and was not on the right meds at the time i was there, so i was in such pain and exhausted by the traffic in the house that i actually started crying once. i woke up in the morning, feeling crap and in pain, there were visitors and i just couldnt take it and broke down. other than that we wore out every day driving, visiting places and not being in the home, i just couldnt take it. i was in the house only 2 full days, where we didnt take the car and drive to do something else.

the only 1 who isnt married is the yongest sister, they are all married, but the 2 sisters that is acting strange is living in his home country, the others have moved, when there is 5 of them. the unmarried one is living with her parents. she is also the one who is acting weirdest of them all, towards me at least.

confusing


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

krika said:


> well, what i know is that he had a little sister who died when she was only 1, ive been told from illness, he was 5 years old at the time.
> i have also been told he was adopted by close family when he was born, but continued to live with his new parents and his birth parents as one family.


This sounds like he was the child of an affair. I don’t know what country he’s from but adoption is not common in a lot of countries. 


krika said:


> you are right, I should be involved in the secret. cause it is creating confusion, fractions and destructivness, but i dont think he will ever tell me what it can be, since now after 6 years together, he for the first time was about to tell me and stopped himself and looked completelly shooked by what he was about to say.


How old is the sister that is causing the main issues? Are you sure that she’s his sister? Strange question I know.. but it’s what came to mind.


krika said:


> it is hard to become a member of a family that i experience as so caothic and i have a problem with their ways of setting boundaries. like there is none. they do have a strong moral and prinsipal way of life, when his biological father is strict. so, he is setting the boundaries in the family and trying to hold on to the old ways. this is also a part that is confusing, cause i like boundaries within a family, but their boundaries is solely based on moral and principals. people walk straight in to their house without phoning or even knocking on the door first. they can come from far away and suddenly they are standing in the middle of the living room. everyone must drop wathever they are doing and greet them and make them feel welcome. this can happen at any time, i have experienced it happening from 7 am to 1030 pm, one never knows when visitors will come (this is only one example)


There is nothing wrong with that example. It’s just not the way you are used to doing things. To me it sounds wonderful (as long as these are people they know coming into their home.) I often have a few extra people living in my home, visiting, etc. I love it.

But if you don’t want that in your home, that’s ok as well. 


krika said:


> i have a chronic illness and was not on the right meds at the time i was there, so i was in such pain and exhausted by the traffic in the house that i actually started crying once. i woke up in the morning, feeling crap and in pain, there were visitors and i just couldnt take it and broke down. other than that we wore out every day driving, visiting places and not being in the home, i just couldnt take it. i was in the house only 2 full days, where we didnt take the car and drive to do something else.


Are you saying that you left their house every day to get away from all the people? Wasn’t there a place in the house where you could rest and get quiet? 

If they are very open, social people they might have felt rejected by you if you kept going off to get away from them. After all you did this because you did not like being in their house. 


krika said:


> the only 1 who isnt married is the yongest sister, they are all married, but the 2 sisters that is acting strange is living in his home country, the others have moved, when there is 5 of them. the unmarried one is living with her parents. she is also the one who is acting weirdest of them all, towards me at least.


Maybe she’s just a jealous person and wants her brother’s attention. Or maybe she is upset that most of the others have left and that has put the burden on her to have to stay at home.



krika said:


> confusing


Yea, he needs to just tell you. But if he has not told you, it’s probably because he thinks it change things with you.


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## krika (Feb 25, 2014)

"How old is the sister that is causing the main issues? Are you sure that she’s his sister? Strange question I know.. but it’s what came to mind."

she is 24, she looks different than the rest of them and she walks, talks and carry herself differently. He is 32. She is supposedly waiting for a man, she has been waiting for him to marry her for 5 years now, and say she must wait 5-6 years more, when he is in another country. that is actually how long it will take for him to get a passport here. 
the man she is supposedly waiting for, she is not friends with him on facebook (she is an active fb user) and i have never seen her talk to him or anything when i was there, when i asked him, he said he never seen her talk to him or anything either.
i have thought about this and can it be? so hard to say. i said ill do a dna test of her with both mother and fathers dna, then he said dont take dna from my dad, he think as it might not match and then he said, when people are living together their dna become more similar... eh? ok?
i dont know if he just gets confused, and saying stupid things and if she is his sister, than how can he be with me when im asking questions like that? how can he tolerate it? i get confused by all this.
i had a bad dream a week ago about she not being his sister and let it to rest after some struggle and arguments with him, when i dont see their relathionship as normal or her ways with me, but if that is the actuall secret, then i dont only want to know, but i need kick him out asap. cause there is no way he would want to go against his family or for me to live with that. the problem is that they live in another country, so getting dna and such is not an easy task

well, all is sounding crazy i know.

i am in general a really social person, when i visited them, i could not go any other place in the house to rest, when it is considered very rude, so therefor we didnt stay there so much, when also I needed to rest. we told them that because i have never been there before i want to see their country, get to know the culture and so on, which was a satisfying explanation for them. to my knowledge they didnt see this in a negative way.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

krika said:


> she is 24, she looks different than the rest of them and she walks, talks and carry herself differently. He is 32. She is supposedly waiting for a man, she has been waiting for him to marry her for 5 years now, and say she must wait 5-6 years more, when he is in another country. that is actually how long it will take for him to get a passport here.
> 
> the man she is supposedly waiting for, she is not friends with him on facebook (she is an active fb user) and i have never seen her talk to him or anything when i was there, when i asked him, he said he never seen her talk to him or anything either.


So you have no idea if this guy even exists. Has she even ever met this guy in person? She sounds like a very unhappy woman who has no control in her own life.



krika said:


> i have thought about this and can it be? so hard to say. i said ill do a dna test of her with both mother and fathers dna, then he said dont take dna from my dad, he think as it might not match and then he said, when people are living together their dna become more similar... eh? ok?


When people live together their dna becomes similar???? Please tell me that your husband is not in the sciences. That is completely false. If he says that his DNA will probably not match his father’s, that tells you a lot.

How could you do a DNA test? I doubt that they would agree to it. You could always gather hair with the root (from a hair brush?) for whoever and do the test secretly. But it would be interesting after the things you said here. I think you husband knows the truth. And I think he has already told you that the man you think is his father is not his biological father.




krika said:


> i dont know if he just gets confused, and saying stupid things and if she is his sister,


Does she act extremely jealous of the attention he gives you?


krika said:


> than how can he be with me when im asking questions like that? how can he tolerate it? i get confused by all this.


Apparently you have figured out something. He has not said that you are wrong.



krika said:


> i had a bad dream a week ago about she not being his sister and let it to rest after some struggle and arguments with him, when i dont see their relathionship as normal or her ways with me, but if that is the actuall secret, then i dont only want to know, but i need kick him out asap. cause there is no way he would want to go against his family or for me to live with that. the problem is that they live in another country, so getting dna and such is not an easy task


Are you saying that you think that she might not be his sister but instead his wife, or something like that? 



krika said:


> well, all is sounding crazy i know.


You know the situation. It is obviously very disturbing to you.


krika said:


> i am in general a really social person, when i visited them, i could not go any other place in the house to rest, when it is considered very rude, so therefor we didnt stay there so much, when also I needed to rest. we told them that because i have never been there before i want to see their country, get to know the culture and so on, which was a satisfying explanation for them. to my knowledge they didnt see this in a negative way.


Sounds reasonable.


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## krika (Feb 25, 2014)

i know that he is his father, but if he is her father i do not know, and he said that he was unsure if his little sister and his fathers dna match. in that culture it is normal for the wife to stay with his family, even if he is not there, if they have an agreement. i have heard about it happening before and they pretend it is their sister, cousin and so forth to get papers in another country. then the actuall wife is imported and they live happily ever after.

haha, no he is not inscience 

the guy she is waiting for is real, he is on facebook, but they are not friends on facebook and she says she knows him from high school. that they met after he left to another country on the internett and then they decided they liked eachother and are going to marry in 5-6 years. that is 5-6 years ago and now she is saying that he says that she needs to wait another 5-6 years before they marry. they have never kissed, huged or touched eachother in any way, cause he has been in another country all the time they have had this agreement she claims.

she acts extremelly jealous and im not alowed to hug or kiss him infront of the family, when he says it is rude. she dosent even want to speak with him on skype when im around, only when im not there. she blocked his facebook when we put out a picture of the 2 of us on his account.

well, she might be his sister or she might be the future wife. at the end i dont know. i keep all options open, cause she is acting so strange and her lovelife does not make sense and the way he talks to, about and with her is different from his other siblings. so i dont know really.

when i asked him to tell me something from his siblings childhood, he had a story for each of them, but not for her. thats when i started thinking about things and keeping my eyes and ears more open.
after taking notice, either they have a really strange sibling relathionship or there is something here and she is not his sister at all.

i do not want to leave him and this 6 year relathionship if it is nothing and just the family being dysfunctional, thats why i need to find out the truth somehow. 
but it has come to the point where his siblings (including her) is acting so strange, cold and rejects me without me knowing why.
i have always sent presents and treated them as i would my own family.

either i am so confused by their ways and how they treath eachother and start thinking the worst or there is a secret there, which could be anything and my mind has come to an option that is something that is familiar in his country. i dont know.

but is it usually this difficult to become a part of a new family? is it normal for the siblings to act in this way?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

krika said:


> i know that he is his father, but if he is her father i do not know, and he said that he was unsure if his little sister and his fathers dna match. in that culture it is normal for the wife to stay with his family, even if he is not there, if they have an agreement. i have heard about it happening before and they pretend it is their sister, cousin and so forth to get papers in another country. then the actuall wife is imported and they live happily ever after.


I lived in East Africa for several years when I was a child. The custom was for parents to make arrangements for a girl at birth. When she turned 10 (and sometimes younger) the girl was sent to live with her future husband’s family. This was so that she was brought up with the same family habits, learned to cook for him, etc. She of course would live the rest of her life in his family’s home. 

I don’t know why but when you talked about the way she acts towards you and your husband, I get the impression that she feels you are her rival. So this type of situation came to mind. I apologize if I’m way off base.




krika said:


> haha, no he is not inscience


LOL


krika said:


> the guy she is waiting for is real, he is on facebook, but they are not friends on facebook and she says she knows him from high school. that they met after he left to another country on the internett and then they decided they liked eachother and are going to marry in 5-6 years. that is 5-6 years ago and now she is saying that he says that she needs to wait another 5-6 years before they marry. they have never kissed, huged or touched eachother in any way, cause he has been in another country all the time they have had this agreement she claims.


I really feel badly for her. This is a long distance relationship that is hardly existent. She really had no idea what he is like.. and he does not sound like a good choice. 

Maybe her problem is that it hurts her a lot to see the two of you together because for some reason she cannot have what the two of you have. Why doesn’t she find a man where she lives to marry? Surely there are some good men there.




krika said:


> she acts extremelly jealous and im not alowed to hug or kiss him infront of the family, when he says it is rude. she dosent even want to speak with him on skype when im around, only when im not there. she blocked his facebook when we put out a picture of the 2 of us on his account.


This coule support either theory.. she’s not really his sister… or it just hurts her to much to see you two have what she cannot have.


krika said:


> well, she might be his sister or she might be the future wife. at the end i dont know. i keep all options open, cause she is acting so strange and her lovelife does not make sense and the way he talks to, about and with her is different from his other siblings. so i dont know really.


What would you do if she’s his future wife? Would polygamy be a possibility in his culture?


krika said:


> when i asked him to tell me something from his siblings childhood, he had a story for each of them, but not for her. thats when i started thinking about things and keeping my eyes and ears more open.


interesting


krika said:


> after taking notice, either they have a really strange sibling relathionship or there is something here and she is not his sister at all.


YOu could just tell him that you know that she is not his sister. See how he reacts.



krika said:


> i do not want to leave him and this 6 year relathionship if it is nothing and just the family being dysfunctional, thats why i need to find out the truth somehow.


I agree with you.. I would want to know what’s going on as well.


krika said:


> but it has come to the point where his siblings (including her) is acting so strange, cold and rejects me without me knowing why.
> 
> i have always sent presents and treated them as i would my own family.


If this nonsense continues, you might come to a time when you no longer feel like doing this. You can only two diamonds into a dark endless pit for so long. Eventually you will run out of diamonds. If they keep this up you will grow to not care as a way to protect yourself emotionally.


krika said:


> either i am so confused by their ways and how they treath eachother and start thinking the worst or there is a secret there, which could be anything and my mind has come to an option that is something that is familiar in his country. i dont know.


You might want to tell him that your imagination is coming up with things that are probably worse than reality. So you need for him to tell you what this is all about, what is the big secret.



krika said:


> but is it usually this difficult to become a part of a new family? is it normal for the siblings to act in this way?


No siblings usually don’t act that way. It’s highly unusual. From what you say, his family sounds harder than many others to deal with.


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## Sunburn (Jul 9, 2012)

PBear said:


> The problem isn't them. The problem is your husband. He's the one that's allowing/condoning/encouraging their behavior.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Deja vu!

I think this is common especially if the male sibling is younger than the female siblings.

When I was younger my mother and older sister always viewed any women in my life as competition. Being typically male and naive to this apparently common female trait it persisted for years because my lack of confronting the issue gave tacit approval to my mom and sister. When I finally realized what was going on and put the kibosh on their estrogen filled p i s s i n g contest things got A LOT better.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

Reading this whole thing I keep coming back to one conclusion that has already been eluded to.

They aren't genetically related. They may have been raised as brother and sister. But they may likely not be. Could be some other explanation as well. But Your fiance's "sister" is jealous of you. She thinks she should be in your exact shoes. Engaged to the man you are engaged to.


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## krika (Feb 25, 2014)

thats the only thing that makes sense, cause the way she acts is too weird. but if she is a crazy younger sister, half or not, the question i cant get out of my mind, do they have an agreement or is she just a crazy younger sister who gets tantrums like she is a 4 year old.
but how to find proof or get to the truth? ihave no experience in such matters.
i have seen her call women aunt, which is not her aunts on facebook, this has happened 2 times til now. i asked him about it, he said, maybe its people from her boyfriends family while looking to the front door (she claims she has only met his father and he is exactly like my fiances dad in the way of being, how original), but im thinking, maybe its her real aunts.

well, the whole thing is disturbing.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You could just tell him that you know there is a problem and you need for him to tell you what it is.

You could just ignore her. Only talk to and care about the family who treats you well.


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