# reading here makes me feel heartless sometimes



## bellringer (Aug 20, 2010)

I read these forums all the time, and I wonder if I am heartless, my stbxh left me back in january, saying he was unhappy, I never begged him asked him back nothing! I was of course sad for a week and a half, then one day my son said to me mom you havent cooked a nice dinner in a while, I looked at him and thought, He is right, I am so consumed in this sadness that he is suffering, I was on sleeping pills and some nerve pills, I went off those and began to live my life with my son, if I continued to be depressed all the time then how could I raise my son, I thought about asking my husband if we could talk but thought if he rejects me it would only push me into that sad state i was in when he first told me. 




So I got myself a laywer, I didnt want stbx to think I was gonna be weak because he is the type that thrives on that **** and would love it if i was on the couch crying all the time so he could screw me out of all the money, I began to do things we always did, even took a trip with my son to disney, stbx was shocked when i called him one day said I am taking son to disney and your paying.



we went for a week and had a blast. husband underestimated me because i was so laid back, and somewhat shy, he was very controlling. my son and I did everything all summer, and had fun. I went out with friends, I still go out with my friends and either I think I am heartless for not trying to save my marriage or I just grew strength through my son, I didnt want to beg him because if he didnt want to come back on his own then i didnt want him here. and he does have a gf, and that bothered me in the beginning, but it doesnt anymore, I am not even mad with her,it was him, and if it wasnt her it would have been someone else, if he wasnt happy couldnt change that. I cant stress over things i cant change. I figure he will be with someone and as long as she is good to my son then I am fine with it. 




He is dragging this divorce out and I dont get it. I know money has alot to do with it, he is trying to hide it, but the days we have had court dates he conviently forgets his paperwork, he never usually forgets anything. I am sure he is trying to make me cave in and give up, but i am strong now and I wont give up, I want what i deserve, he can pay the bills in this house forever for all i care. he is so bad that the judge wanted a trial the other day on the spot, and now the judge has ordered a deposition. anyway, am I normal or mabey just knew in my heart it was over?


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## separatedmomof3 (Oct 6, 2010)

Bell - I don't know your situation like how long you have been married etc. so it is hard to say without knowing. I personally don't think that I could throw in the towel so easily. I have been married 23 years and have been with my husband for 29 years total. We were very happy in the beginning and even in the end I was happy but he has not been for the last few years. I guess because I was the one that was not uphappy I have to fight for it. I have to be able to look my three kids in the face and say "I did everything I could to make this work". If it turns out not to work, I gave it my all. If it turns out to work then it was well worth fighting for.

Good luck!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I think you are not normal, you are exceptional. I hear a tone in your post that shows confidence and straneght. So bravo and keep up the excellent work you are doing with the boy.
Thats just me, I'm not normal either, so keep up the good fight and good luck on the D.


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## bellringer (Aug 20, 2010)

Hello, separated, I understand in the end you want ot say you did all you could to save the marriage and thats great, I dont have time to waste on him, I am almost 44 yrs old, we were together 20 yrs married 10, like I said if I was busy trying to get him to come home and kept getting rejection then i would wind up on the couch depressed and wouldnt have the strenght to go on for my son. my stbx wanted this divorce, i mean he asked for ot on thursday and on saturday he was asking me to call his lawyer(as he wanted me to go with his) If he wanted out that fast then I didnt see any reason for me to fight. mabey if he said he needed to separate for a bit to think about things, but i have no time to fool around with his ****. he wants out then go. I have no regrets for not fighting for him.


In fact I can truely say I have no regrets at all, I did everything for him when we were married, mabey after my son came along things were different, i did pay more attn to him, but if i didnt who would have, my son is 6 and husband never really bothered to try to be a dad, he will admit to that to. I was way to nice that was my problem, I watch alot of my family and friends and the woman i know are all *****y to their husbands and there happy,(I think) they seem it anyway, mabey i wasnt a challenge to him. I mean they dont do half the things I did sexually either but again i think there all happy. my husband got bored so mabey that was my fault, i should have fought more with him. actuallly come to think of it in the beginning, if i was nice to him he walked all over me then when i became a ***** he backed down like he was afraid. 



But i tried to be *****y for a while it didnt last, it was exhausting to me. I am a pretty happy woman, cant help it, and thats something i wont change. I think in the long run he will have the regrets, and thats what he will have to live with. He still tried to find out what i do, calls a million times a day, (I dont answer) he is only allowed to call 2 times for my son, lawyers orders, because it was getting rediculous, but he dont listen he still tries. whatever. 



Hello The guy, thank you, I am confident and like i said mystrenght comes from my son, he is everything to me. I know he will be fine because he sees me as his security, I thought it would be hard with him being a boy, needing his dad(his dad dont do anything with him) but I can do anything a guy can do, we go fishing, I catch snakes for him in the yard, we went on my brother in laws boat and caught turtles. he is doing very good, I worried about him but he is doing great in school. I am hoping the d is almost over so we can close this chapter of our lives. I will fight this till the end, but not to get him back to get his money. no sense in letting him and gf walk into the sunset with what is mine and my sons.


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## GoDucks (May 19, 2010)

Great work, really. Inspiring story, considering your path. I enjoyed the read. I hope my 2 sons can see me as the same role model you are for your son. Your story shows your love and priority for your kid, which is wonderful.


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## Chasing Rainbows (Oct 9, 2010)

I do not think you are being heartless, I too think along the same lines as you, why beg them to come back when they are so sure that this is what they want. Although that is all I want to do I feel that it will just push them further away and also set myself up for more rejection as you say. Good for you for taking control of your life and you have your priorities absolutely right, your son and you. 

It is strange that he is dragging it all out but like you say it could just be the money side of things. I have spoken to lawyers and it is early days for me, they now have all the financial details to work out a settlement etc. For my spouse, the financial side of things scares him. He is a good earner and whatever the settlement turns out to be will not have a huge impact on him I doubt. Yet I got the threats about him leaving his job etc, 

Keep staying strong and get what you deserve. I am not one for taking a spouse for everything they have however I do think that it is fair to expect what you are entitled too. I hope things go smoothly for you...


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Good story and I am glad you are happy.

I do doubt your statement though that you don't have any regrets.

Even though your story parallels mine with gaining emotional strength and healing everday, I do still encounter an occasional regret that I did during marriage.

The other day at my son's birthday party, my stb-x pointed out one time I didn't act very good as a husband. The event was fuzzy to me in my head (it was about 3-4 years ago) and it's slowly coming back.

You know how women are - they'll use things on a guy, a guy won't recall and will accept guilt.

I think that's how women win 3/4's of all arguments 

Anyway, no matter how it went down, I regret the incident. I am sure you have regrets and you will have some as the years progress and that's okay and normal too.

I am trying to figure out whether to apologize for that incident or what - does it help her have closure? Does it help me? She seems soooooooo angry and hurt at the end here.

I am not sure why though. . .is it because 

A. She's not getting what she wants in divorce?
B. SHe's sorry she's losing me?
C. SHe's just unhappy?

Is it my obligation to try to diagnose it? Becuase I lived that. . .


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## bellringer (Aug 20, 2010)

I swear I have no regrets, His whole family has said he did me a favor, I did everything, oh except take his offer to go to a sex club, and that isnt something I would have done, I did alot in bed but i must draw the line. I look at my friends and sisters and they do nothing i mean no cooking cleaning very little sex and mabey later if something happens to their marriage they could say, gee mabey i should have did more, I have thought about what my part could have been and I am guilty of not paying attn to him as much as i did after my son was born, but like i said if i didnt who would mabey if he was a better father and took on some of the responsibilities i would have been able to pay more attn to him, so no I am sorry i dont regret paying attn to my son. see stbxh mother was NEVER there for her kids, i mean never even took them out for halloween, I wasnt gonna be that mother, my son is to important to me. will continue later but right now have a playdate with my little guy


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