# I am considering a separation or divorce? Am I wrong?



## Isabellam (Aug 23, 2010)

Let me start by saying that I am very confused and scared of making the wrong decision. My husband and I have been married for about 2 1/2 years and together for almost 6. Our relationship has never been perfect (I do things to annoy him and he does things to annoy me), but we were always there for each other. Anyway, we bought a house and got a puppy just a few months after gettnig married in April 08. Life changed. The house and the puppy were our focus. I love my puppy, he became my child - I didn't know how much I wanted to be a mom until I got my dog - so I took great care of him. Anyway, fastforward a year, we celebrate our 1 year anniversary with a trip to Italy. I thought it was fun, he said this is the first time he started to feel disconnected. Anyway, in the summer of 09, I was so owerwhelmed with life and work, that I told my husband that I was not sure I was in love with him anymore. That devastated him and our marriage.

We tried to work on things. We went on trips, etc. Things seemed to be going well. I thought life was moving forward, and started to talk about having a child and he kept avoiding the topic. He finally said he wasn't happy and off to therapy we went. That was a disaster. We just ended up disliking each other more. In the mist of all this, my husband started getting close to a coworker. I found about his cheating in May of this year. He denied the extent of the relationship, but I saw messages going back to January 10. It devastated me, but helped me realize that I loved him and wanted to work on things.
He told me that he would end it w/ her that she meant nothing. He did not.
In July, I again found emails between the two of them. He claimed that he ended things in his mind, but that he never told her because he was afraid she would retaliate since they were coworkers. So I made him write her an e-mail ending things. Suppodsely that has been over, really over, since then.

Anyway, back to therapy we went. So now, after almost 2 months of therapy sessions, conversations, talks, etc., he tells me that he doesn't feel comfortable having sex with me, and that he does not know if he wants to have children. We talk and talk about these issues w/ no resolution. I am tired. I understand that we can't have kids now because of where we are, but he doesn't even know if he wants kids at all in the future. I am at a loss.

So, here I am, feeling confused. We get along on a day to day basis, he says i love you and has attempted to complement me more, etc. But the other day I tried to initiate sex and it was awful. He looked completely uncomfortable, I felt rejected, but pretended that I could put it behind me. It hurt. So, we talked last weekend and we both agreed that it would be difficult to spend the holiday together the way things are. So here we are, just a couple of months from the holidays, I don't know what to do.

I think in my heart, I know that we are probably headed for divorce, but I am trying to give it my best shot.

Anyway, I guess my question is - when do you know enough is enough? Am I unreasonable to set timelines for dealing with issues? I am not asking to resolve everything, but we need to take steps. I am not sure how much strength I have left.

I am not sure this post makes much sense, but I would appreciate any help.


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## Brioli (Sep 6, 2010)

Can you give me more details? I see in your post several things that are issues...but yet...I need you to follow through a bit more with details. What sort of timelines?


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## Isabellam (Aug 23, 2010)

Brioli thanks for the response. In terms of timelines, I have decided that I do not want to start yet another year wondering whether we are going to make it. I would like to have some kind of resolution by the end of this year. I just cannot do it anymore.
I also realize that the holidays will be very painful, we usually spent them with his family and his sister is pregnant, first grandchildren, etc. I just don't have the energy to deal with it all. So, I am hoping that we can resolve something before the holidays come around. I mean, I am not sure exactly how to measure sucess, but I am hoping to have at least put something behind us. Just one issue -- Do you know what I mean? I just need to get out of this holding pattern and move forward.


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## Brioli (Sep 6, 2010)

Isabellam- You have to to follow your heart...however….you can’t put a timeline on resolutions when it comes to love and emotions.

I understand your frustration…I do…however know there is no such thing as knowing what the future holds or accomplishing emotional goals by a certain time. We are talking about emotions here, and it’s not like a career (On September 30th, we will decide whether we are having kids or not together). You are dealing with feelings and they don’t work like other types of goals. You have to ask yourself what is most important? I know this seems silly, but make a list. Make a list of what good things he does and make a list of the bad things he does…then…prioritize their importance in your life. Which is most important and which is not (number them)? You may think you are able to hold this information in your head clearly, but no one can truly do this when it comes to emotions. The list will help you put things in perspective, when you do this…come back here and share your results….


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## ADM (Apr 12, 2010)

Don't you need to take some time on your own, some time off so you can figure things out? Cann't you say it out loud? Probably being on your own will help you better realise how you feel about it all?

Just an idea...


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## *sighs* (Sep 14, 2010)

Hi there,

I don't know whether you're still using this site, but my own situation is very similar to yours and I'm also in a terrible dilemma right now. Have you made any progress?

In my case, my husband is asking for another chance after cheating on me with a coworker and lying rings around himself about it, and has announced after 6 months of trying that he never actually wanted to have a child. I just don't know how much it is reasonable to take for the sake of a marriage.

I hope you've managed to work towards some kind of resolution, one way or the other. Be strong xx


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