# Help with non sexless marriage



## thenerdguy (1 mo ago)

Looking for advice on my situation.

Been married about 20 years, we have 3 kids who are getting older now. The days of having young kids and not having the energy for sex is way behind us.

We actually do have a lot of sex, of course I would want more. But we are around 2 to 4 times a week.

My problem, my wife told me sex with her is boring and routine. And I get it.

I asked her what she wanted, and it was like asking her what she wants to eat for dinner.

So I am trying to figure out what I need to do here. Anyone been in this situation with advice?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

thenerdguy said:


> My problem, my wife told me sex with her is boring and routine. And I get it.
> 
> I asked her what she wanted, *and it was like asking her what she wants to eat for dinner.*


In order to better advice, what do you mean with the above bolded?
Is she a glutton for food, or what? Is she asking you for threesomes, other females, males? so, what does "*and it was like asking her what she wants to eat for dinner"* means?


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## thenerdguy (1 mo ago)

Its that old saying, that when a women says she is hungry and you ask her whats she wants and give her suggestions its always nope I dont want that.

You want pizza?
Nope
You want Chinese?
I had that for lunch
You want Tacos?
I dont want to be gassy
You want Steak?
No not today

So you just need to pick something


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Read some online articles about spicing things up. Just start *doing* new things, such as positions or locations. Improve your oral skills and surprise her with them. Flirt with her or kiss her when she isn't expecting it.


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## mwise003 (1 mo ago)

My wife never complained, but I could tell she wasn't exactly having the best orgasms if any. Oral was off the table for her... so I had to do other things.
If your wife won't communicate, then that's kinda on her. All you can really do is be responsive to her wants/desires.

That being said, I did an experiment and it did get better, but you have to move slowly. 
Many women need clitoral stimulation. So I bought a VERY small (not intimidating) clitoral vibe. She was apprehensive and didn't want to touch it, but allowed me to put it on her during PIV.
You know what, after some trial and error it got better. Later, she would start asking for it. Then eventually she started controlling it. Now we have many clitoral vibes, some for the shower, some for bed. Never have sex without it. 

Pro tip: Assuming your bed is the right height. Have her sit on the side of the bed. Continue with foreplay, eventually have her lay back and pick up her legs, either on your shoulder or in the crook of your arms. This allows her to use her vibe more freely because your weight isn't on her. FYI - your standing the whole time, which I found easier for me as well to control the pace, thrust etc...

Also, sex doesn't have to happen in bed. Kitchen table, shower, sofa, the floor next to a roaring fire....


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## Inside_Looking_Out (Apr 8, 2012)

Sounds like she wants you create 'butterflies'. The 'butterflies in your stomach' feeling is a hard thing to recreate when you have been with someone for that long. But remember, that feeling usually happens only when you are doing something new, something a bit out of your comfort-zone, something exciting, something you weren't really expecting. That is true for life in general, not just the bedroom. 

Expecting someone else to create that is a tall order, whether you are a man or woman. You have to take the other person a bit by surprise, catch them off-guard and it absolutely can not hint of something that is already routine or you do all the time. So, make sure you have a pretty clear understanding of what her absolute 'no's' are...and then take the plunge and try something new! 

Don't ask her to spell out every detail, that ruins the 'butterfly' part of it. Instead, get a broad understanding of some of her desires that maybe she has held back about. Ask her to send you some links to some spicy stories she reads but might be a bit embarrassed to admit she reads, or her favorite sexy movie scenes of all time (doesn't have to be porn, it could be a regular movie that has always turned her on), or ask her to write you a dirty story and tell her not to hold back on the details, mood, setting, emotions, etc. 

Once you have an idea of what gets her motor going nowadays, build on creating that kind of mood and environment for new sexy encounters, but....and here is the kicker, this is an absolute MUST or you will kill it and her desire to try anything outside the box....YOU HAVE TO play your part with enthusiasm and let her know how much doing this is turning you on as well. If you approach it like a checklist or a chore just to get to the end goal, you will have effectively killed your bedroom life. That is the part that many spouses get wrong when wanting to meet their partner's need. The "I did what you asked, why aren't you happy" routine will nix the other person's desire to try every time. Women especially, want to feel that their partner gets excited by them and excited by focusing on their passion for them. 

Good luck, and have fun!


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## mwise003 (1 mo ago)

Inside_Looking_Out said:


> Sounds like she wants you create 'butterflies'. The 'butterflies in your stomach' feeling is a hard thing to recreate when you have been with someone for that long. But remember, that feeling usually happens only when you are doing something new, something a bit out of your comfort-zone, something exciting, something you weren't really expecting. That is true for life in general, not just the bedroom.
> 
> Expecting someone else to create that is a tall order, whether you are a man or woman. You have to take the other person a bit by surprise, catch them off-guard and it absolutely can not hint of something that is already routine or you do all the time. So, make sure you have a pretty clear understanding of what her absolute 'no's' are...and then take the plunge and try something new!
> 
> ...


I agree passion is a very important part of seduction/foreplay etc...


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

thenerdguy said:


> Its that old saying, that when a women says she is hungry and you ask her whats she wants and give her suggestions its always nope I dont want that.
> 
> You want pizza?
> Nope
> ...


My experience is that asking if she wants to do something rarely works. 3/4 of the time it's something she'd actually love to do, but will say no to anyway. Because the premise is lame, and the delivery is lame. 

On the other hand, a variation of asking DOES work: I'll send her a private message :

(I'm paraphrasing here) 

"We're going to have some fun tonight. Do you choose scenario A or scenario B?"

"We're watching an erotic movie tonight, your choice - A or B"

etc

This tells her that YOU have some exciting ideas, and she gets to go along for the ride. Either way, she's going. If she refuses, well, she knows she's gonna miss out. The only question remaining is does she want to go to "Boston" or "NYC"? You're whisking her away, not asking her if she wants to be whisked away. Small change, big difference re her butterflies. 

In other words, take charge, that's what she's telling you she's interested in by not telling you what she's interested in.


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## thenerdguy (1 mo ago)

Inside_Looking_Out said:


> Sounds like she wants you create 'butterflies'. The 'butterflies in your stomach' feeling is a hard thing to recreate when you have been with someone for that long. But remember, that feeling usually happens only when you are doing something new, something a bit out of your comfort-zone, something exciting, something you weren't really expecting. That is true for life in general, not just the bedroom.
> 
> Expecting someone else to create that is a tall order, whether you are a man or woman. You have to take the other person a bit by surprise, catch them off-guard and it absolutely can not hint of something that is already routine or you do all the time. So, make sure you have a pretty clear understanding of what her absolute 'no's' are...and then take the plunge and try something new!
> 
> ...


Yup I think this is the exact answer. Looks like I have some homework to do.

The other issue I need to figure out is that, years ago when our kids where young we went thru what probably lots of people go thru. It was not a sexless marriage, but with young kids that can get in the way. So to solve this problem we planned time to have sex together. And it worked wonders for us. Now she wants it spontaneous and unplanned.

But she also needs to be warmed up. How do I warm her up for sex without hinting or planning anything.


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## mwise003 (1 mo ago)

thenerdguy said:


> Yup I think this is the exact answer. Looks like I have some homework to do.
> 
> The other issue I need to figure out is that, years ago when our kids where young we went thru what probably lots of people go thru. It was not a sexless marriage, but with young kids that can get in the way. So to solve this problem we planned time to have sex together. And it worked wonders for us. Now she wants it spontaneous and unplanned.
> 
> But she also needs to be warmed up. How do I warm her up for sex without hinting or planning anything.


It starts first thing in the morning. The alarm goes off, reach over and cuddle and ask her how her sleep was. Make sure you tell her how nice/sexy she looks before you leave with a 10 second kiss.
Text her during the day something sweet.
When you get home, greet her at the door with a hug and grab her butt or playfully slap it if she isn't opposed to it. Some women hate this, some love it.
I think it's called kino... you should really be doing this every day whether sex happens or not, is planned or not.

Flirt with your wife like you're on a first date all the time... but don't be smothering. 
Once appropriate, the kids are in bed, chores are done, and maybe a glass of wine, initiate.
Don't go straight to sex.... caress her, kiss her neck, do everything with passion uuntilshe has to have you.


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## thenerdguy (1 mo ago)

mwise003 said:


> It starts first thing in the morning. The alarm goes off, reach over and cuddle and ask her how her sleep was. Make sure you tell her how nice/sexy she looks before you leave with a 10 second kiss.
> Text her during the day something sweet.
> When you get home, greet her at the door with a hug and grab her butt or playfully slap it if she isn't opposed to it. Some women hate this, some love it.
> I think it's called kino... you should really be doing this every day whether sex happens or not, is planned or not.
> ...


Well crap, this is pretty much every single day already.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

thenerdguy said:


> Yup I think this is the exact answer. Looks like I have some homework to do.
> 
> The other issue I need to figure out is that, years ago when our kids where young we went thru what probably lots of people go thru. It was not a sexless marriage, but with young kids that can get in the way. So to solve this problem we planned time to have sex together. And it worked wonders for us. Now she wants it spontaneous and unplanned.
> 
> But she also needs to be warmed up. How do I warm her up for sex without hinting or planning anything.


The plan only needs to be in your head. It is up to you to play it out. That is what I do. Sometimes I do tell her. In the morning I'll say something I will be seducing you tonight or some other no so subtle hint that I will be initiating tonight. 

As for making it less routine, just like initiating, do it, don't ask. It is pretty well known that the worst way to get sex is to just ask for it. You have to take action to initiate it. Same for trying new things. You can have some discussion, but generally speaking you take it upon yourself to bring in something new, like a toy or new position, etc. It would be a good idea to talk about what is and isn't on the table. There are some good yes/no/maybe lists out there. You can find out what things she might be willing to try and which are totally out of the question. Then work from the maybe and yes list.


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## Inside_Looking_Out (Apr 8, 2012)

thenerdguy said:


> Yup I think this is the exact answer. Looks like I have some homework to do.
> 
> The other issue I need to figure out is that, years ago when our kids where young we went thru what probably lots of people go thru. It was not a sexless marriage, but with young kids that can get in the way. So to solve this problem we planned time to have sex together. And it worked wonders for us. Now she wants it spontaneous and unplanned.
> 
> But she also needs to be warmed up. How do I warm her up for sex without hinting or planning anything.


Spontaneous doesn't always mean spontaneous, for me at least. Spontaneous is actually a code word for, "I didn't have to brainstorm, plan, or execute this adventure." Some of the hottest adventures that my husband and I have had involved very little on his part actually, other than forethought, but they felt spontaneous because I didn't expect them or plan them out. 

One good example of that was, my husband knew that I had a day of errands and shopping, and I would be kid free during that time. He texted me while I was out and about and told me that he wanted me to go pick out some new lingerie and that he would be looking forward to seeing it on me that night, and couldn't wait to take it off me. So, I had all day to think about the fun we would be having that night, and feeling like he couldn't wait to ravish me. It was all about how that made me feel above all other things, it made me feel sexy and desirable and wanted. 

The problem with that is, it will work three, four, five times, if you don't string them all along together in a short time. You have to mix it up. Men will often try something, they get a good response from it...and then they stop trying to come up with new answers. I get it! Why come up with a new answer if this one works?! However, the problem is, it won't work once we know all your moves. 

But don't despair, two can play that game...it shouldn't only be YOU coming up with new ideas! Once the ball is rolling, tell her that you too, enjoy butterflies! Make it a competition, who can beat who in a game of ideas and new fun playtimes. Men deserve and want to feel desired too, its not just a ladies game! 

And pay attention to her ideas and actions that she comes up with. It's human nature, that we often unintentionally do to/for our spouse, what we wish our spouse would do for us. Does she play with your hair/scalp all the time, it's likely that she finds that super appealing and automatically assumes you would love it too. Does she touch you firm, or feathery soft? Men often touch women too firmly or aggressively, because it's the level of pressure they enjoy the most. Women will often touch much softer, which some men can find way too ticklish, because it's the way they like to be touched. Does your wife go overboard making extravagant gifts or creating certain kinds of moments for people (like birthday parties and such), it might mean that she wishes people would do that for her. Does she take lots of photos of everyone else and takes notice when someone is looking super cute that day? .She is likely wishing that someone would notice that she is feeling/looking cute and that they would want to take her photo.

Once you can spot the things that she wishes would happen more often, it will become easier for you to turn her on and ramp her up, so much so, that she might not even realize you are doing it! Women are not as complicated as people think. Oftentimes, a woman just wants to feel that, even after 20+ years, their spouse is still curious about them.


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## thenerdguy (1 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> The plan only needs to be in your head. It is up to you to play it out. That is what I do. Sometimes I do tell her. In the morning I'll say something I will be seducing you tonight or some other no so subtle hint that I will be initiating tonight.
> 
> As for making it less routine, just like initiating, do it, don't ask. It is pretty well known that the worst way to get sex is to just ask for it. You have to take action to initiate it. Same for trying new things. You can have some discussion, but generally speaking you take it upon yourself to bring in something new, like a toy or new position, etc. It would be a good idea to talk about what is and isn't on the table. There are some good yes/no/maybe lists out there. You can find out what things she might be willing to try and which are totally out of the question. Then work from the maybe and yes list.


So I am trying to figure out what new things. We have been together a long time. And pretty much have done everything and have all the toys. The only thing we have not done is a threesome or swinging. And while id try anything once, that is not something I am into. I joked about it once and she said she would do it.


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## thenerdguy (1 mo ago)

Inside_Looking_Out said:


> Spontaneous doesn't always mean spontaneous, for me at least. Spontaneous is actually a code word for, "I didn't have to brainstorm, plan, or execute this adventure." Some of the hottest adventures that my husband and I have had involved very little on his part actually, other than forethought, but they felt spontaneous because I didn't expect them or plan them out.
> 
> One good example of that was, my husband knew that I had a day of errands and shopping, and I would be kid free during that time. He texted me while I was out and about and told me that he wanted me to go pick out some new lingerie and that he would be looking forward to seeing it on me that night, and couldn't wait to take it off me. So, I had all day to think about the fun we would be having that night, and feeling like he couldn't wait to ravish me. It was all about how that made me feel above all other things, it made me feel sexy and desirable and wanted.
> 
> ...


Wow you knocked it out of the park with this one. This is totally it, all of it.


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## Inside_Looking_Out (Apr 8, 2012)

thenerdguy said:


> Wow you knocked it out of the park with this one. This is totally it, all of it.


 Aww, thank you! I really hope it helps. I am on year 28 (or is it 29 now?) of marriage. It's not always been easy, or even all that good. That's why I am here myself. But, we still try, we still work on it and we still care. A lot of the things your wife is saying and asking, are things that I have asked for myself, so it's pretty easy to try to put myself in her shoes and play interpreter for you


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

thenerdguy said:


> So I am trying to figure out what new things. We have been together a long time. And pretty much have done everything and have all the toys. The only thing we have not done is a threesome or swinging. And while id try anything once, that is not something I am into. I joked about it once and she said she would do it.


Please don't bring others into your sex life. You will regret it and won't get what you are looking for.


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## mwise003 (1 mo ago)

thenerdguy said:


> So I am trying to figure out what new things. We have been together a long time. And pretty much have done everything and have all the toys. The only thing we have not done is a threesome or swinging. And while id try anything once, that is not something I am into. I joked about it once and she said she would do it.


Sounds like she thinks a threesome or group sex might be interesting, why not roleplay a threesome with some of your toys?


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

thenerdguy said:


> But she also needs to be warmed up. How do I warm her up for sex without hinting or planning anything.


By _doing_. Instead of saying "Hey, let's strip down and do XYZ!" you initiate nonverbally. Get near her, touch her, kiss her, get her into right physical condition and head space, then proceed from there. 

If you want to do something special like maybe some candlelight bondage and/or massage then be sneaky and learn to set props etc. where they will be convenient without her being aware you're setting things up.


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## thenerdguy (1 mo ago)

mwise003 said:


> Sounds like she thinks a threesome or group sex might be interesting, why not roleplay a threesome with some of your toys?


Actually I don't think so really. However we did try roleplaying a threesome once with one of the toys we have that sticks to things. She was pretty meh about it.


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## thenerdguy (1 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> The plan only needs to be in your head. It is up to you to play it out. That is what I do. Sometimes I do tell her. In the morning I'll say something I will be seducing you tonight or some other no so subtle hint that I will be initiating tonight.
> 
> As for making it less routine, just like initiating, do it, don't ask. It is pretty well known that the worst way to get sex is to just ask for it. You have to take action to initiate it. Same for trying new things. You can have some discussion, but generally speaking you take it upon yourself to bring in something new, like a toy or new position, etc. It would be a good idea to talk about what is and isn't on the table. There are some good yes/no/maybe lists out there. You can find out what things she might be willing to try and which are totally out of the question. Then work from the maybe and yes list.


I like this approach, I will try this and see how it goes.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

thenerdguy said:


> Its that old saying, that when a women says she is hungry and you ask her whats she wants and give her suggestions its always nope I dont want that.
> 
> You want pizza?
> Nope
> ...


I've said it before, I will say it again, most women do not want to tell you the kinky stuff they are thinking about. They don't want to have to spell things out for you. They want you to pay attention, observe, get clues, talk about things and figure it out yourself. Women have a way of leaving little hints here and there. Maybe you notice her reading an article online about erotic massage, maybe she is extra interested in a TV show or Movie when theres a rough sex scene. 

The fact you have to ask her for ideas is what is making it boring for her. You need to step up your game in reading her and trying new things. You might try something new and she might not be into it, scratch that off the list and go next. Break the routine, don't be boring. Buy some toys whatever just don't do the same stuff over and over and over.


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## Griswold (2 mo ago)

I decided to look at how the ladies on the all girls team play. Discovered the "Kivan method" for oral sex. You can google it. Yikes that rocked her world. We had to bring a bath towel. Seems to me that your choice of side works better based on if she's right or lefthanded. She's a lefty, so I'm perpendicular from her right side. Maybe it's just us but she dramatically prefers me on that side. When you are playing at the Y, focus a bit on the ridges running down from the clitoris. Don't ignore the little fellow of course, but hitting those ridges from the side seems to work. Plus, you can put a nice pillow under your head at the right level and relax. The other thing I'm doing more of is "pancaking." I find that harder to sustain (it essentially means you keep your tongue out, flat and soft and move your head, not the tongue) That's another towel soaker. Hope this is not too graphic. We've been married 30+ years so ..never too old to learn new stuff....Oh, the other dirty little secret which Insidelookingout noted: texting. For us, nothing dirty or risqué. But just some nice witty little complements to her through out the day . One other thing I've started doing is be aware of a very subtle Dom/sub vibe. My wife is a take charge - survive in a mans world type of girl. She does not want to be "dominated" but I figured out that she likes knowing that I have a plan. It seems to let her relax knowing that I've mapped out whatever adventures we'll have. So now, I make very subtle hints....sort of in the variety of "oh, you'll find out...." or "we're going to need a lot of pillows tomorrow...." I guess this is in line with what Bigdaddy posted.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

thenerdguy said:


> Its that old saying, that when a women says she is hungry and you ask her whats she wants and give her suggestions its always nope I dont want that.
> 
> You want pizza?
> Nope
> ...


I guess she is burned out which isn't that different from being bored. Sometimes there's no easy answer to that after being married 20 years. Maybe you guys actually need to go longer in between having sex so that it's more appreciated when you do. You might ask her if she thinks that would change anything.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

thenerdguy said:


> ........We actually do have a lot of sex, of course I would want more. *But we are around 2 to 4 times a week.*
> 
> My problem, *my wife told me sex with her is boring and routine*. And I get it.
> 
> ...


In working with a Sex Therapist to reconcile a sex starved marriage (i.e. she told me she would never have sex with me again and she meant it), our ST had us do a number of exercises.

Based on what you posted. I would suggest two things. First, don't push your wife for more sex. Most people would be thrilled with sex 2 to 4 times a week. The harder you push, the more she will likely resist your advances and create a very negative feedback loop.

I would suggest that you and your wife read up on Sensate Focus exercises. Sensate Focus Exercises

Next, I would suggest that you Google Yes/No/Maybe sex list. There are lots of them out there. Find you that fits your desires and thoughts. Many can be downloaded and edited to include additional things you might want to try. Find one, edit it, print out two copies and share it with your wife. Explain the ground rules to her and make sure that both you and she understand them. Then fill them out separately and in a week have a dinner date where you go over the answers and create a composite list where you cross off all the items that have either one or two "no's." Then, reorder the list to show the "yes/yes" items, followed by her "yes" and your "maybe" followed by her "maybe" and your "yes" items. 

Now as to the ground rules. These will be things to "spice things up." They are not to become things you do all the time. For example is she say maybe to something you really, really want, she have to feel comfortable that you will not want to do it twice a week every week for the rest of her life. The two of you need to understand that the things you agree to try, are just that you will try them, not you will adopt them. Agree that you will only try something from the list say once or twice a month on a certain day of the week. For, example something from the list on the 1st and.or 3rd Saturday of the month. That way you will get variety without it being potentially scary for her or you. Of course if you both say, that was the best sex of my life, then by all means add it to your regular list, but don't over due it. The purpose is to create variety. By discussing "maybe" and "no" items you can find your partners boundaries and they can learn yours. Sometimes a maybe might be desired by our spouse, but she is just afraid of what you might think of her or that you might be shocked or turned off by her if she said it was a "yes." Again, ask and listen. Ask if there is someway it can be made more appealing, but listen more than try to push it as something to do.

Good luck.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Young at Heart said:


> Based on what you posted. I would suggest two things. First, don't push your wife for more sex. Most people would be thrilled with sex 2 to 4 times a week. The harder you push, the more she will likely resist your advances and create a very negative feedback loop.
> 
> I would suggest that you and your wife read up on Sensate Focus exercises.


Yeah, that's basically my approach


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

thenerdguy said:


> Looking for advice on my situation.
> 
> Been married about 20 years, we have 3 kids who are getting older now. The days of having young kids and not having the energy for sex is way behind us.
> 
> ...


My wife and I have been married for 34 years and I can tell you over time the sex does become mundane. In-fact the whole marriage becomes just a routine.
It`s not that we don`t love each other it`s simply doing the same things each day.
I tried talking my wife into going for a sexy couples massage to spice it up a bit but she`s not having any of that.
It always has to be vanilla, in the bedroom, curtains drawn and the lights dimmed. Once the deed is done, we get dressed and continue on with whatever we were doing.
It really needs both partners to be open minded and willing to trying new things but if one partner won`t budge there is not much one can do about it.
I honestly don`t know how to put the zest back into a long term marriage.
There is a movie called the Stepford Wives, whereas in a small town of Stepford the husbands dispose of their wives and replaced with replica robots. If only that was possible.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

gameopoly5 said:


> My wife and I have been married for 34 years and I can tell you over time the sex does become mundane. In-fact the whole marriage becomes just a routine.
> It`s not that we don`t love each other it`s simply doing the same things each day.
> I tried talking my wife into going for a sexy couples massage to spice it up a bit but she`s not having any of that.
> It always has to be vanilla, in the bedroom, curtains drawn and the lights dimmed. Once the deed is done, we get dressed and continue on with whatever we were doing.
> ...


So you would prefer a mind numbed robot that does whatever you command? No thank you. I want a partner that works with me and follows my lead by her own free will.

You need to change your strategy. For example, the massage. Don't ask or talk her into it, just do it. Tell her I booked us a couples massage for this weekend. You go whether she comes or not. You've turned over all control of everything to her. This may seems brutal and harsh, but the problem is you have no spine and no family leadership ability.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

thenerdguy said:


> Actually I don't think so really. However we did try roleplaying a threesome once with one of the toys we have that sticks to things. She was pretty meh about it.


Yeah, wives gotta be really turned on for that to work. I speak from experience lol


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Inside_Looking_Out said:


> Sounds like she wants you create 'butterflies'. The 'butterflies in your stomach' feeling is a hard thing to recreate when you have been with someone for that long. But remember, that feeling usually happens only when you are doing something new, something a bit out of your comfort-zone, something exciting, something you weren't really expecting. That is true for life in general, not just the bedroom.
> 
> Expecting someone else to create that is a tall order, whether you are a man or woman. You have to take the other person a bit by surprise, catch them off-guard and it absolutely can not hint of something that is already routine or you do all the time. So, make sure you have a pretty clear understanding of what her absolute 'no's' are...and then take the plunge and try something new!
> 
> ...


A very good post...
For her.

......................................................................

I see this as being rich, the rich man trying to thread the needle, trying to climb through the eye of the needle, to get to heaven.
The odds and the sages are ever against you.

One soul doing all the work, the other soul being the lazy judge.

One person making love, the other deciding, whether or not, to join in.
For men it becomes this work, the ritual, the prize hopefully arriving and cumming.

Yes, this is reality.
A sad one!

Not one, I would opt out of, mind you.
One where, manners must be minded.
This, you have so reminded, remanded us men.

Is this dance, worth it?
Millions of pregnancies, say it is!
The dance is not that two step, it is that slow balls-room waltz.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

Inside_Looking_Out said:


> Men deserve and want to feel desired too, its not just a ladies game!


I once started a thread on that very topic, whether it was reasonable of me to want to be desired by my wife. Many posters ripped me and said NO, that I was unfairly demanding my wife act like a man (which I don’t), or that I had self esteem issues. Truly refreshing to see at least one of the fairer gender who thinks it is reasonable.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

gr8ful1 said:


> I once started a thread on that very topic, whether it was reasonable of me to want to be desired by my wife. Many posters ripped me and said NO, that I was unfairly demanding my wife act like a man (which I don’t), or that I had self esteem issues. Truly refreshing to see at least one of the fairer gender who thinks it is reasonable.


You aren't alone. I think most men want to be desired, I know I do. I cherish the moments when my wife does something that lets me know that she unequivocally loves and desires me.


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## Inside_Looking_Out (Apr 8, 2012)

gr8ful1 said:


> I once started a thread on that very topic, whether it was reasonable of me to want to be desired by my wife. Many posters ripped me and said NO, that I was unfairly demanding my wife act like a man (which I don’t), or that I had self esteem issues. Truly refreshing to see at least one of the fairer gender who thinks it is reasonable.


Oh my goodness, anyone that thinks the men are immune to feeling lonely, insecure, unloved, etc. are doomed to be in failed relationships. Reciprocal admiration, respect and love are required for a successful relationship. To expect a woman to get revved up in the same way that a man does, that would be unfair...many women fall under the category of responsive desire. But being 'horny' is WAY different than letting your man know you desire him, that you find him appealing and sexy and that you are excited to share intimate time with him. You don't have to be revved up or horny to do any of those things. I think people greatly confuse the two.


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## Inside_Looking_Out (Apr 8, 2012)

SunCMars said:


> A very good post...
> For her.
> 
> ......................................................................
> ...


If you will note, I made mention that it has and needs to be a two-way street. That in asking/requiring her to do the same for him, he will gain knowledge into her desires as well as receiving the passion and desire that he deserves to feel as well. But you are not wrong, the person that 'cares' the most will always be the one with the most responsibility on their shoulders. That is why it must be an equal friendly competition...otherwise the only thing that will be bred will is resentment, not lust.


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## thenerdguy (1 mo ago)

This morning I planted the seed for tonight, and I got a positive flirty response. Appears it is a go. Now I just need to figure out what the heck I am going to do to change things up.

Speaking of changing things up. Way back when we had no kids or when they were very young. Sex could happen anytime and any place in the house. But with teens in the house...... We cant really just go at it on the couch.

Anyone got some creative ideas in a situation like this? Or are we stuck in the bedroom?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

thenerdguy said:


> This morning I planted the seed for tonight, and I got a positive flirty response. Appears it is a go. Now I just need to figure out what the heck I am going to do to change things up.
> 
> Speaking of changing things up. Way back when we had no kids or when they were very young. Sex could happen anytime and any place in the house. But with teens in the house...... We cant really just go at it on the couch.
> 
> Anyone got some creative ideas in a situation like this? Or are we stuck in the bedroom?


If you are worried about a kid walking in, then behind a locked door is the only way to go. It doesn't have to be the bedroom, but you do need a safe and private location. Maybe in the shower together or an empty guest room. 

Isn't the flirty prelude different to some degree already? Remember, it doesn't need to be drastic changes. Just small stuff here and there can spice it up. I simple idea, can you record yourself or cast live video to the TV? My wife is very afraid of pics or video of her getting out there, but she has been open to me streaming video just to our TV with nothing capturing it. Very sexy to see us going at it on the TV real time. 

They cost a few bucks, but check out some of the fun and games on this site:




__





Printables Archives - Uncovering Intimacy







www.uncoveringintimacy.com





We've used some with great success.


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## Inside_Looking_Out (Apr 8, 2012)

If getting out of the bedroom is a problem or really just not feasible...trying ramping up your bedroom instead. There are lots of small furniture items, even inflatable furniture items, that might change up the way you use your bedroom. But certainly explore using a guest room if you have one, or a big walk in closet (great place to explore some light bondage with overhead spaces to tie up wrists), or try to utilize time when they are at school for an anywhere around the house romp. At this age...really, I want most of the time to be in my bed...but starting off somewhere else is a lot of fun, then moving to the bed for the main action. So maybe a big blanket and some touchie feelies on the couch would suffice?


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## lmucamac (5 mo ago)

Maybe she needs a little romance. Try doing something special for her, or with her. For women it’s often the emotional connection that can get her in the mood. 

Be creative when the time is right, try a different position. Don’t ask, just do it. Pay attention to whether or not she’s enjoying it. 

Go to the adult store together and purchase a toy.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Inside_Looking_Out said:


> If getting out of the bedroom is a problem or really just not feasible...trying ramping up your bedroom instead. There are lots of small furniture items, even inflatable furniture items, that might change up the way you use your bedroom. But certainly explore using a guest room if you have one, or a big walk in closet (great place to explore some light bondage with overhead spaces to tie up wrists), or try to utilize time when they are at school for an anywhere around the house romp. At this age...really, I want most of the time to be in my bed...but starting off somewhere else is a lot of fun, then moving to the bed for the main action. So maybe a big blanket and some touchie feelies on the couch would suffice?


Good advice. We got a wedge and it allowed for some new fun positions.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

Inside_Looking_Out said:


> If getting out of the bedroom is a problem or really just not feasible...trying ramping up your bedroom instead. There are lots of small furniture items, even inflatable furniture items, that might change up the way you use your bedroom. But certainly explore using a guest room if you have one, or a big walk in closet (great place to explore some light bondage with overhead spaces to tie up wrists), or try to utilize time when they are at school for an anywhere around the house romp. At this age...really, I want most of the time to be in my bed...but starting off somewhere else is a lot of fun, then moving to the bed for the main action. So maybe a big blanket and some touchie feelies on the couch would suffice?


Change of scenery a great idea. Family room is a good alternative. we watch adult movies twice a year. Inspiring


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Good advice. We got a wedge and it allowed for some new fun positions.


Where did you find wedge?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Where did you find wedge?


Amazon









Amazon.com: Drive Medical Folding Bed Wedge, 7" : Health & Household


Buy Drive Medical Folding Bed Wedge, 7" on Amazon.com ✓ FREE SHIPPING on qualified orders



www.amazon.com


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Amazon
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Thanks! enjoy adding to our sweet lovin’ arsenal. She does like the vibes I’ve surprised her with. One we bought together at adult store. Big one!


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

Griswold said:


> I decided to look at how the ladies on the all girls team play. Discovered the "Kivan method" for oral sex. You can google it. Yikes that rocked her world. We had to bring a bath towel. Seems to me that your choice of side works better based on if she's right or lefthanded. She's a lefty, so I'm perpendicular from her right side. Maybe it's just us but she dramatically prefers me on that side. When you are playing at the Y, focus a bit on the ridges running down from the clitoris. Don't ignore the little fellow of course, but hitting those ridges from the side seems to work. Plus, you can put a nice pillow under your head at the right level and relax. The other thing I'm doing more of is "pancaking." I find that harder to sustain (it essentially means you keep your tongue out, flat and soft and move your head, not the tongue) That's another towel soaker. Hope this is not too graphic. We've been married 30+ years so ..never too old to learn new stuff....Oh, the other dirty little secret which Insidelookingout noted: texting. For us, nothing dirty or risqué. But just some nice witty little complements to her through out the day . One other thing I've started doing is be aware of a very subtle Dom/sub vibe. My wife is a take charge - survive in a mans world type of girl. She does not want to be "dominated" but I figured out that she likes knowing that I have a plan. It seems to let her relax knowing that I've mapped out whatever adventures we'll have. So now, I make very subtle hints....sort of in the variety of "oh, you'll find out...." or "we're going to need a lot of pillows tomorrow...." I guess this is in line with what Bigdaddy posted.


OMG, I did Google the Kivin Method, watched demo video. Woman was going wild. Loud. Came hard … will try it here when we have house to ourselves! Lol


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Longtime Hubby said:


> OMG, I did Google the Kivin Method, watched demo video. Woman was going wild. Loud. Came hard … will try it here when we have house to ourselves! Lol


That new wedge you are shopping for can put her is a good position for it too


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## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

Actually look up Liberator sex furniture they make all kinds of stuff, I think they put the wedge out on the market first.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

Xmas is near!!


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## Griswold (2 mo ago)

The nice thing (for you I think) about Kivan is that it's "different." She needs to lie closer to the edge of the bed so that you can lie perpendicular. So when you tell her to move "there" - she will be wondering what the heck is going on. But if I'm right, she'll also like the feeling that you have something in store for her - she will feel you are in charge and took the time to think up something for her. My wife was mystified when I first did it. I've been playing at the Y for decades (and thought I was really good at it) but we always were middle of the bed straight up the middle (or 69) types. For your next trick...get that wedge, and get her butt up on that, and pancake her. Put that in your back pocket, and if things work out with kivan (worst case is a normal O; best case is she drowns you) , just tell her if you liked that, wait for next time ...  And start texting about the mysterious something up your sleeve.....and so the cycle can begins. Have fun.
PS - one last tid bit that the lesbian ladies make in the stuff I read - we guys are way too prone to using our sharp tongue. Keep your tongue softer, flatter. especially with Kivan if you get more "flat" with your tongue, you can hit that ridge and her mr. happy at the same time. You'll see.)


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## thenerdguy (1 mo ago)

Thanks for the help everyone, it was a success.

I was actually not confidant at all it would be a success. All these years of planning and routine, I figured I would get shot down with just going for it.

Not the case at all. Well for me it was planned, I took care of everything before hand. And removed all the routine crap we do when its planned and had it all ready to go.

It was completely spontaneous, she was like what are you doing...... I said you. Next thing I know its on.

Lets just say, we didn't make it out of foreplay, it was pretty intense.


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

thenerdguy said:


> I took care of everything before hand. And removed all the routine crap we do when its planned and had it all ready to go.
> 
> It was completely spontaneous, she was like what are you doing...... I said you. Next thing I know its on.
> 
> Lets just say, we didn't make it out of foreplay, it was pretty intense.


AWESOME


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

Griswold said:


> The nice thing (for you I think) about Kivan is that it's "different." She needs to lie closer to the edge of the bed so that you can lie perpendicular. So when you tell her to move "there" - she will be wondering what the heck is going on. But if I'm right, she'll also like the feeling that you have something in store for her - she will feel you are in charge and took the time to think up something for her. My wife was mystified when I first did it. I've been playing at the Y for decades (and thought I was really good at it) but we always were middle of the bed straight up the middle (or 69) types. For your next trick...get that wedge, and get her butt up on that, and pancake her. Put that in your back pocket, and if things work out with kivan (worst case is a normal O; best case is she drowns you) , just tell her if you liked that, wait for next time ...  And start texting about the mysterious something up your sleeve.....and so the cycle can begins. Have fun.
> PS - one last tid bit that the lesbian ladies make in the stuff I read - we guys are way too prone to using our sharp tongue. Keep your tongue softer, flatter. especially with Kivan if you get more "flat" with your tongue, you can hit that ridge and her mr. happy at the same time. You'll see.)


Will try the flat tongue. Probably wait till we have empty house


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## Griswold (2 mo ago)

Wonderful to hear T-Nerd!


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

thenerdguy said:


> Looking for advice on my situation.
> 
> Been married about 20 years, we have 3 kids who are getting older now. The days of having young kids and not having the energy for sex is way behind us.
> 
> ...


Change it up, no same old no same old. Do something different, different positions, more aggressive.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

Divinely Favored said:


> Change it up, no same old no same old. Do something different, different positions, more aggressive.


Absolutely. Wives never say it, but they crave variety. She once called me “boring in bed” maybe 10 years ago. Opened my eyes. I asked. She says I’m not boring now. Stepped up my game! Toys, positions, whispered pillow talk, porn twice times a year (she loves FF and FFM but won’t admit) talk about fantasies… it’s all in the sexual arsenal .


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Absolutely. Wives never say it, but they crave variety. She once called me “boring in bed” maybe 10 years ago. Opened my eyes. I asked. She says I’m not boring now. Stepped up my game! Toys, positions, whispered pillow talk, porn twice times a year (she loves FF and FFM but won’t admit) talk about fantasies… it’s all in the sexual arsenal .


I constantly read about sexual techniques, etc. Caitlin V on YouTube, Charles Black(Don of Desire). Picked up some oral techniques that has my wife levitating a foot off the bed! She swears I'm magic. 😎 Aba Dabra Cadabra, I'm gonna reach out and grab ya!


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## thenerdguy (1 mo ago)

Another update, we ended up doing it again.

This time I gave her the hint in the morning but in a different way. Then about an hour or so before I was going to start, we were laying in bed and I started looking up new positions to try. She looked over and asked what I was doing, and I was like uh nothing. Then I showed her, and she giggled. That night turned out amazing.

We did take one of those tests of things to try. And I was a bit shocked, we matched up really well. But there were a few things we matched on that ive always wanted to do but never had the balls to do. Nothing too crazy, but some hot stuff. Now I have a nice little list of things to mix in here and there to try.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

thenerdguy said:


> Another update, we ended up doing it again.
> 
> This time I gave her the hint in the morning but in a different way. Then about an hour or so before I was going to start, we were laying in bed and I started looking up new positions to try. She looked over and asked what I was doing, and I was like uh nothing. Then I showed her, and she giggled. That night turned out amazing.
> 
> We did take one of those tests of things to try. And I was a bit shocked, we matched up really well. But there were a few things we matched on that ive always wanted to do but never had the balls to do. Nothing too crazy, but some hot stuff. Now I have a nice little list of things to mix in here and there to try.


Great you are starting to spice stuff up. Regrets didnt do it sooner, you both missed out on lot of fun.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> Great you are starting to spice stuff up. Regrets didnt do it sooner, you both missed out on lot of fun.


Can make up fir lost time. I am Mister Spice It Up. Someone here has to be.


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## Married12years (11 mo ago)

thenerdguy said:


> Looking for advice on my situation.
> 
> Been married about 20 years, we have 3 kids who are getting older now. The days of having young kids and not having the energy for sex is way behind us.
> 
> ...


Hey.kudos for 20 years and stull getting it in! What I would do to spice things up is get out of the bedroom. Sex in there is now off limits. Do it in different places, times and try new positions. Treat her as if you didn't know her and your trying to impress her. There's playing cards with different positions buy some and pull a couple of cards and go at it. Sexy massages, blind fold and feed her, role play, toys. Change up your style. Talk trash if you don't now. Grab some cialis and get some round 2 and 3 action going. Be assertive and tell her what to do. Get out YOUR comfort zone and have fun with her. More to sex than penetration also, **** her mind, flirt, put sexy notes in her purse, her car. Send her cant til you get home texts. Buy some sexy outfits. Give her some money and send her into Victoria Secrets to buy something sexy. Hope some of these suggestions help.


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## Griswold (2 mo ago)

Great news NerdGuy. If it's possible please share your new ideas! I'm all about planning out surprises for her. I'd be thrilled if you surprised me! No need to be graphic of course. I really think my wife likes knowing that my wheels are always turning with ways to keep it fresh. Way to go TAM


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

We like graphic! Lol


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

Plan to surprise my wife with the Kivin Method this week. When we have the house to ourselves. From what I’ve read, she may get very vocal. Excited as trying new things in bed is always lotsa fun! Like the various vibes over the years. Etc.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Plan to surprise my wife with the Kivin Method this week.


I tried it this past weekend and got a great response from my wife who has told me that oral "is not my favorite."


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

Diceplayer said:


> I tried it this past weekend and got a great response from my wife who has told me that oral "is not my favorite."


Great. I have heard similar here at times - “why do you enjoy doing that?” - and also have heard “mmm, I love the way you eat me.” Wives! Good to hear it went well for you two, can’t wait to try today or tomorrow!


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

Looks like tomorrow morning. Sleepy head still snoozing. Don’t want to try Kivin Method when son is home tonight. Sources say can result in noisy pleasure, lol


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## thenerdguy (1 mo ago)

We ended up doing it again, I had told her that I had something planned for later and it might hurt. When we started she was already really wet and I didnt even touch her yet. Normally it takes her sometime to warm up with foreplay but she was way passed that point. We still did foreplay, and it all turned out really good.

Something interesting I did notice. A few years back I did get the snip. After that point right before our "planned" sex she would also ask if I had a towel ready because she didnt want me cumming in her. These last 3 sessions that has not come up at all. Also when we did the would you try it test, turns out its cool cum in her, on her anywhere and swallowing. This is an interesting change.


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