# Shocked with divorce talk from husband



## BrandiArcuri (Jul 7, 2021)

We just moved for my husbands job a month ago to a different city, 2 hours from our families. Last week my husband came home and told me that he doesn’t want this life anymore. We have two kids…we’ll I do but he claims them as his own. We’ve been together for 7 years and married for almost 5.

I am in absolute shock. Our marriage has been good, especially great for the last 6 months or so. He basically said that he’s never really been alone and wants to worry about only himself.
So here I am in a brand new town and completely beside myself. 
His “plan” is that we live together until fall to save up money and then he will move out. He says he will still pay and take care of me and the kids and wants this to be civil. How can this be civil when I am so completely heartbroken.
He refuses counseling.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Unfortunately his behavior perfectly fits the profile of someone who has met another person.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

He met someone else that he’s either interested in or (probably) already started a relationship with. Sorry.

Start investigating.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

I'm really sorry this is happening to you.

As for "how can this be civil", civil is just the opposite of confrontational, it means you don't fight about splitting up. If both of you are reasonable about splitting things up, it means you don't spend as much on attorneys and each wind up with more. It doesn't mean you have to be friends.

You can't stop him from going so take care of you and the kids. Contact an attorney to find out your options, but don't let them talk you into a fight unless you're convinced it's in your best interests. You may want to get counseling for yourself, and depending how they're taking it, the kids.


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

There's a process called conscious uncoupling that basically encourages everyone keep things civil and not to act maliciously. Reflect on what went wrong and how to avoid those same problems in the future. Cherish the good times as the positive experiences that they were. Ultimately forgive the other person and yourself for the breakup.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Has he legally adopted your kids? Otherwise he just might be in survival mode and saying whatever he needs to in order to keep things "civil".


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Did he make any trips to the area for work before you all moved there? Has he been in contact with work colleagues there before you moved?Have any other work colleagues moved there recently?

It's just that this same thing happened to a lady I used to know. They all moved away because of a new job for him, it was then discovered that the main reason for him wanting to go was that he wanted to be near his OW. She and the children moved back.
It would be very hard for you to stay there in the same house when you know he is leaving and you know no one. Plus the children have changed schools as well?
In your place I would move back to be near family and friends. You need support. The children can go back there their schools and friends.


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## Burndownthedawn (Mar 27, 2021)

Oh lovely, you left me a message on my post and I had to come reply on yours. 

When my husband left me, I was shattered. Into tiny little pieces. Knowing what I know now... Man there is so much I would go back and do differently but I also know I was only physically capable of so much at the time. 

My advice for you - listen to your gut first. If you gut is concerned with cheating it's probably right. If your gut says something isn't right, there's probably a reason. Get into therapy NOW, not later. It was the single biggest help for me. Then, call all your friends. They are going to support you and you'll probably feel awful and like a burden go them (I did anyway!) But they will literally be your saving grace. Don't be afraid to tell your story. Force yourself to get out of the house. Force yourself to go and do things for yourself. It will help. Then push through to making yourself a bucket list of things you want to do or need to do and start looking at it everyday. 

I think there was a few lessons I learned for myself almost immediately. 

If the milk turns sour, you don't put it in the fridge and try it again tomorrow. You throw it the heck out. 
If you are too much for someone, let them go find less - you are worthy and deserving of a true love, not what you just went through. 
They are likely projecting their own faults and inability onto the relationship - don't be angry they don't see it your way, be thankful that you have the emotional intelligence to do things the right way. Also recognize they can only meet you as far as they've met themselves. 
Be gentle with yourself. This is hard. It's the hardest thing I've ever done. Time will help, time will help you heal. 
Put up boundaries NOW about how you need to be treated now and stick to them. Don't allow yourself to be completely accessible to someone who has proven inaccessible to you. 

Things will be ok. Message me if you need anything! I've been there 100% and I am HERE for you if you need an ear.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Don’t be quick to take him back when the new girlfriend doesn’t work out. It would be ironic if he was being catfished.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

It’s a bit conniving and cunning that he moved you all away from friends and family and then dropped the bomb… perfect way to isolate you (and himself) from both families so they don’t see the truth.

This is the worst part of what I’m reading and smacks of serious cruelty.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

you moved a month ago it looks as he had an other love interest before he moved  and now that he is in a different city he wants her to join him , he thinks he can do the best for you who he still has feelings for but he loves the other


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Burndownthedawn said:


> If the milk turns sour, you don't put it in the fridge and try it again tomorrow. You throw it the heck out.


I need to remember that one.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Consult a divorce attorney pronto. No sex! No cooking, laundry, nothing for him. Go for alimony. He wants you to make this easy on him - screw him. Getting you to move and get him settled in is really selfish so return the favor.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

Sorry you are going through this. I wouldn't recommend you accept his "plan" of staying with you guys until he can leave and be on his own. Things will turn sour very quickly, especially if he is having an affair and he will be constantly messaging his affair partner. I would either kick him out or move back to the town where your families are and just tell them why you are moving back. But before anything else, I would file for divorce so that he starts paying you child support and spousal support. His move is extremely irresponsible and disgusting. Cut any contact and sex with him. Limit your interaction to what concern the kids only. No decent human being does this for his family. You need a support system to go through this, so moving back to live next to your family and friends is important now to help you navigate this difficult time.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

coquille said:


> Sorry you are going through this. I wouldn't recommend you accept his "plan" of staying with you guys until he can leave and be on his own. Things will turn sour very quickly, especially if he is having an affair and he will be constantly messaging his affair partner. I would either kick him out or move back to the town where your families are and just tell them why you are moving back. But before anything else, I would file for divorce so that he starts paying you child support and spousal support. His move is extremely irresponsible and disgusting. Cut any contact and sex with him. Limit your interaction to what concern the kids only. No decent human being does this for his family. You need a support system to go through this, so moving back to live next to your family and friends is important now to help you navigate this difficult time.


I second this. 
Do not allow him to exit your marriage at his convenience after detonating your marriage and family. Take control of the situation and get proactive right now. He gets no comfort, no convenience and no consideration if this is the path he wants.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

I'm with @Sfort, he's met someone else, and doesn't want to be honest about it.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

How are you doing OP? I was thinking of you away from your family and your situation. It must be hard being so isolated


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