# Young Married Couple and Sex



## wiccawife (Aug 13, 2013)

My husband and I are both 23. We have been married for 2 years. He was my first and so sex is something that I discovered with him.
While we are not in a sexless marriage, I have found myself confused an with no where to turn for answers. I'd really appreciate knowing if I am experiencing something normal and if anyone has any advice. 

I have found that while I don't mind having sex with my husband and I sometimes become aroused, I usually prefer to satisfy myself. It is almost as if I generally regard sex as a basic need that should be satisfied as quickly and efficiently as possible. Frankly, satisfying myself is faster and easier. While I do get off with my husband, I just usually prefer to take care of myself. I have incorporated this into our couples lovemaking but I think it makes him feel like he can't satisfy me. 

My major problem is that I find my libido to be fairly low. I don't want this to cause a problem in my marriage, but I am also at a loss to determine what 'turns me on' I do become aroused but even to me what arouses me is confusing! I find myself sometimes aroused by one thing and at other times something else. How is my husband supposed to be able to know which I want? I'm sure many will say through communication, but the problem is that I don't know either. When he tries something I don't like, I tell him. If he does something I do like, I also respond. But I am honestly confused as to how my preferences can just switch up so easily? Is this normal? And is there anything I can do to make myself feel more in the mood more often?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Welcome Wiccawife, 

You've come to the right place for understanding your sexual self!

Yes, perfectly normal. Women's brains, in terms of how eroticism and sex drive are experienced, work very differently from a mans'. If you think of it in terms of training the brain, a sort of Pavlovian conditioned response, it begins to make sense. For years you touched yourself. You knew exactly what to do, you knew exactly when to switch it up, you had only yourself and your thoughts to co-mingle to produce the sought after effects, your orgasm.

But now you have a partner and that brings in a whole new set of dynamic and ever changing set of variables, plus you also have to contend with how you touch him at the same time he is touching you.

Solo play is like a 4 way stop intersection Look 3 different ways to guide you before you can move on. Sex with a partner is like a 1,000 way stop intersection. The possibilities are endless and it takes lots of experience before you get a "feel" for how to perceive threats to your safety or clear avenues to get where you want to go.

You say you communicate what feels good and what doesn't. Excellent! that is vital. You say it confuses you that sometimes what feels good doesn't feel good another time. Your mood and energy level can play a huge role in how his touch is experienced by you. His mood can also play a role for you. The interactions you've had together can play a role.

You say you sometimes become aroused. Can you talk a bit more about that? What is happening when you do become aroused and what is happening during those time you have sex but are not aroused?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Are you on hormonal birth control? That can affect your libido. Do the two of you spend any time flirting and teasing each other throughout the day and before getting down to business? Do you have any fantasies that you use when masturbating that you haven't shared with him? And would you say he's a "good lover"? Or does he just focus on his own pleasure?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## committed_guy (Nov 22, 2011)

wiccawife said:


> My major problem is that I find my libido to be fairly low. I don't want this to cause a problem in my marriage, but I am also at a loss to determine what 'turns me on' I do become aroused but even to me what arouses me is confusing! I find myself sometimes aroused by one thing and at other times something else. How is my husband supposed to be able to know which I want? I'm sure many will say through communication, but the problem is that I don't know either. When he tries something I don't like, I tell him. If he does something I do like, I also respond. But I am honestly confused as to how my preferences can just switch up so easily? Is this normal? And is there anything I can do to make myself feel more in the mood more often?


Yes, it is normal. You nailed it in your question, "communication"! How does he respond when you tell him what you like? Does he get offended when he tries something that you don't? Then that's his problem, not yours. In a good marriage sex is fluid, not static. Desires, likes and dislikes, come and go. somethings you like one time you may not like another. For example, at one time my wife introduced, and liked, anal sex, now she doesn't. I'm fine with that, I was never a huge fan but I really appreciate she brought it up and trying it required a great deal of communication between the two of us. 

My wife was a virgin when we got married so we've been learning a lot. My suggestion is to buy a few married sex books like "Red Hot Monogamy" is a good one. 

One of the things I learned in our counseling sessions was that married sex doesn't mean you have to perform for the other person. You are there to show the other person you love them and to enjoy an intimate act. It doesn't always have to be fireworks and the "best ever!". Sometimes it's just duty sex, other times it's freaking great. Don't stress over it not being the best ever each time. Make a point to try new things. Tell your husband you love him, and that you do want to make it better but will take some time. You have the rest of your life together to figure it out. Some times it will be great, others not. The beauty of marriage is that you have someone who is committed to you through the bumps and lumps and isn't going to leave you if you don't perform on the first date. Take your time, enjoy, go slow. 

You mentioned pleasuring yourself; can you do that during intercourse too? It's common knowledge that most women cannot get an orgasm from intercourse alone, and if you can sneak your hand down there to massage yourself at the same time all the better. For me as a husband it is more important that she enjoy, regardless how she gets there.


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## wiccawife (Aug 13, 2013)

Thanks so much for all the responses! 

In response to some questions, I am not on hormonal birth control. I was previously but we moved to Japan (have been here for 2 years now) and it is not easy to obtain.

As far as becoming aroused I feel like a roller coaster. Sometimes I am aroused multiple times a week and other times I don't feel aroused for a month straight. I read erotic stories sometimes if I feel that I've been in a dry spell and they help me get into the mood enough to not feel uncomfortable satisfying my husband even if I'm not particularly in the mood. As ridiculous as it sounds I sometimes don't even realize that I've not been in the mood for a long period of time. 

My husband and I talked about it and I've started making a small star in my daily planner to indicate when the last time we were intimate was. This helps me keep an eye on it and make sure that I am not unintentionally leaving my husband unfulfilled for long periods of time. 

As I mentioned, I am a quickest way to an O kind of girl and when I masterbate myself, I use a toy. We've tried using it when we are together, but it is generally just in the way and once I reach orgasm I don't want to be touched at all, so I particularly dislike this method as I may get off and leave my husband hanging. On the few occasions we tried it, I was willing to help my husband finish in other ways, but I think we both dislike it since it is more like taking turns than enjoying together. 


During the times that we decide to have sex when I am not aroused, I can still enjoy it as long as I make sure to be well lubricated, I just feel less into it. That sounds strange and I try to focus on what is going on and how I feel, (and sometimes I can become aroused after getting started) but usually if I wasn't aroused or didn't get aroused after we got started, my mind is a bit elsewhere. :scratchhead:

And PBear, my husband is a very considerate lover. I have had to tell him that I enjoy sex with him regardless of if I achieve orgasm or not and that it doesn't make me unhappy at all if I don't. But he still makes it a priority for him. We often tease and flirt. Sometimes I enjoy this for just the teasing and flirting and other times it is a prelude to something physical. 

I really appreciate all the input and advice!


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

When you have time alone, and not that I'm pushing this, but view porn from A to Z, everything and find out what turns you on and then do those things with him.

It sounds like you are a LD (low drive) individual. My wifee has a similar sex drive like you. 1 - 2x week if I'm lucky and sometimes 1x month.

You have to realize that most guys are in the mood almost all of the time and we don't need romance and a lot of foreplay either. We are sex machines and built on test. So no worries about your man not being in the mood or turning you down, unless he's been turned down too many times and has given up, or is seeing someone else or secretly viewing porn.

Why not have him give you oral with a small vibrator at the same time until you orgasm? Then have sex afterwards. If he did this for you every time, would that help? And no rush either, take his time on you.


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## committed_guy (Nov 22, 2011)

wiccawife said:


> ...As I mentioned, I am a quickest way to an O kind of girl and when I masterbate myself, I use a toy. We've tried using it when we are together, but it is generally just in the way and once I reach orgasm I don't want to be touched at all, so I particularly dislike this method as I may get off and leave my husband hanging. On the few occasions we tried it, I was willing to help my husband finish in other ways, but I think we both dislike it since it is more like taking turns than enjoying together.
> 
> 
> During the times that we decide to have sex when I am not aroused, I can still enjoy it as long as I make sure to be well lubricated, I just feel less into it. That sounds strange and I try to focus on what is going on and how I feel, (and sometimes I can become aroused after getting started) but usually if I wasn't aroused or didn't get aroused after we got started, my mind is a bit elsewhere...


So what's wrong with him getting off and then you masturbating afterwards? This is what my wife usually does and cannot usually (99 times out of a 100) O through intercourse. I get mine then use my fingers inside her and she uses her vibe for several O's.


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## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

I think you might be viewing sex as an end goal, orgasm driven act. That is masturbation and what you have trained your body and mind to want and need. As others have mentioned sex with a partner is different snd your goals should be different. You need to start focusing on sensual pleasure, long love makng sensual sex. Not every time but the times when you feel "not in the mood" sensual sex can bring you there. Focus on feeling sensations in the body and deriving pleasure from intimacy, playing with your partner, body massage, food! Take breaks during lovemaking to talk or take a bath or shower. Really connect. I think this is what's missing and the best part of partnered sex. Orgasms and the goal to get there fall to the wayside when you experience sex like this. It helps you become aroused because there's no pressure only fun.

I would also recommend a book called "Womens code". The author is a natural healer that helps women achieve hormonal balance through diet and exercise. In todays world women are very out of balance with our femininity and the flow of our cycles. Our cycles are very delicate. Drs are not equipped with basic knowledge if cycles and how to help. Drugs (fake hormones) are the last thing you need. She specifically addresses libido and sexual response. It's a breat book. Next I would suggest a book about sensual sex. You choose 

Porn IMO is not going to help. Porn is designed for quick arousal for the end goal which is orgasm. It's too orgasm focused which a lot of people are. I think taking the orgasm out of the picture is the fastest way to have the best sex of your life....and yes you will also orgasm


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

FemBot said:


> I think you might be viewing sex as an end goal, orgasm driven act. That is masturbation and what you have trained your body and mind to want and need. As others have mentioned sex with a partner is different snd your goals should be different. You need to start focusing on sensual pleasure, long love makng sensual sex. Not every time but the times when you feel "not in the mood" sensual sex can bring you there. Focus on feeling sensations in the body and deriving pleasure from intimacy, playing with your partner, body massage, food! Take breaks during lovemaking to talk or take a bath or shower. Really connect. I think this is what's missing and the best part of partnered sex. Orgasms and the goal to get there fall to the wayside when you experience sex like this. It helps you become aroused because there's no pressure only fun.
> 
> I would also recommend a book called "Womens code". The author is a natural healer that helps women achieve hormonal balance through diet and exercise. In todays world women are very out of balance with our femininity and the flow of our cycles. Our cycles are very delicate. Drs are not equipped with basic knowledge if cycles and how to help. Drugs (fake hormones) are the last thing you need. She specifically addresses libido and sexual response. It's a breat book. Next I would suggest a book about sensual sex. You choose
> 
> Porn IMO is not going to help. Porn is designed for quick arousal for the end goal which is orgasm. It's too orgasm focused which a lot of people are. I think taking the orgasm out of the picture is the fastest way to have the best sex of your life....and yes you will also orgasm


Quoted because it should be read over and over, printed and shared with Mr. WiccaWife.


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