# Should I stay or should I go??



## irishwife (Aug 8, 2013)

Ok--let me get to the point and give out the facts and then I am seeking honest advice about staying vs leaving my husband. I am a 50 yo wife who works from home at a FT job with no office space and 3 kids. I make approx 50% more than my husband:

Here are his positive attributes:
He is very attentive, has a permanent job, loves me more than anyone else ever has, has been with me married for almost a decade, dating another 2 yrs, we have a child who is 7 and he adores, he is a good dad, also a good stepdad to 2 teenagers who can be a real pain..remembered our anniversary, brings me roses, cleans up after dinner and pays half the mortgage(when he is working)..doesn't drink, smoke, cheat, beat me, abuse me in any way..

You are thinking "what's the problem" then?

Here's the problem--we don't have any sex or intimacy and have not in almost a decade, he is irresponsible and does not communicate about anything financial and he makes huge financial decisions/mistakes without consulting me that leave him in major financial crisis and leaves me picking up the tab (for almost everything), he refuses to talk to people who might be able to help solve these problems or consider getting his mom to co-sign a loan so he can fix these mistakes , he ignores the kids quite a lot (or sees them as an imposition and locks them outside the bedroom door)...he rages or is withdrawn and depressed and is not willing to seek treatment b/c past treatments didn't work, he will not do repairs around the house or yard, does not pay his way (other than half the mortgage payment) and even that he does not give it willingly and I have to ask every month, he bounces checks, refuses to try activities that I love--he is "set in his ways"--acts 10+ yrs older than me even though I am 2 yrs older than him, is not interested in hobbies I enjoy, sees himself as a victim, is not pro-active esp with regards to work and finances, expects me to do any and all activities "kid related" as he is "too busy"...and expects me to pay for all home repairs, kids clothes/supplies/shoes/Christmas presents, etc... I am resentful and that translates to me becoming someone I don't like...I am seeking counseling alone, but I wonder what your feedback is...will this marriage stand a chance? Should I stay for the stability it gives my kids? Am I asking for/expecting too much? 

I feel like a mom to him and not a wife...we have a house together and we are underwater, so leaving is not so easy. The teens are almost out of high school, so my plan was to wait this out another couple years for their sake but I am really not happy...and I feel taken advantage of constantly!


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

Leaving may not be easy, but I don't think that you are being unreasonable in wanting to get out of this situation. Sex is a really important part of a marriage. Did something happen that caused you to not be intimate with him for this long? You have a son together, so I assume sex was once something you enjoyed. Has your husband always been like this or has something happened to change him?

I think there are so many women who post on here how they resent their husbands for not pulling their fair share of the weight with finances. Resentment can be a relationship killer, so if you are going to stay, you will have to figure out some way to stop resenting your husband. Have you told him how you feel about the finances or you just expect him to understand? Sometimes men dont just get our subtle hints that we expect them to know what we want.

Bottom line is you are not happy. You cant be a good mom with all this stress. I would contact a lawyer and at least see about a separation. You feel like a mom to him? Seems like you have already decided that you should leave. Now its time to do something.


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## Dahlia92 (Dec 31, 2012)

Only you can decide what is best for you. He is not healthy and he is not participating in a healthy relationship. It will impact you and your kids.

I noticed some red flags in your post (the economic situation, the rages, the kids as an imposition, withdrawn, refuses help, refuses to try activities you love, doesn't do his fair share at home). Before you decide you aren't being abused, please take a look at this page and at some of the other pieces of the wheel and see if there are some that fit and how many. Sometimes abuse can take forms that aren't aligned with what is typically thought of as "abuse.". 

Tactic #12 â€” Economic Abuse

Your husband is controlling the finances in your relationship by what he is doing and it's not right. I know, been there done that. It's not fun and it is so very stressful. 

If he doesn't acknowledge there's a problem and won't get help, there is no chance he is going to change. Is this the example of a relationship you would like your kids to see modeled?

Was he always like this. Or did it start after you were married? What there something specific that happened around the time it started?


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

On one hand he 'adores' the kids but he sees them as an imposition and ignores them? How is that being a good dad?

Do you want to have sexual intimacy with someone? After a decade of none, it doesn't seem likely you ever will with him.

I think you need to collect advice from those on this forum who have been through it, how you can now start separating your accounts and protecting yourself and your financial future before (if) you file for divorce.


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## irishwife (Aug 8, 2013)

Wow! That's 4 for 4 for leaving...some great comments! Thank you!! Yes, it started almost as soon as we got married but I had a failed 1st marriage so I did not want another! I stuck in there and I had done the single mom thing so long with 2 toddlers that I was really NOT wanted to be a single mom again. 

The sex stopped after the marriage as well--as did the start of a decade of job insecurity. I blamed the job issues on the lack of sex--I blamed the baby issues for the lack of sex. I just thought it would all get better but it didn't.

You are right--it is financial control to constantly put me in a bind because of financial disasters he knowinglly creates!! Thank you.


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## irishwife (Aug 8, 2013)

Ok all--I've thought about this overnight and I think to get 100% accurate feedback, I need to provide 100% accurate honesty about my strengths and weaknesses as well--since there are always 2 sides to the story--

My pluses: Hard worker, overachieving type A personality, very successful in school, career and financially, doting mom, great cook, highly intellectual, energetic, sports loving (esp baseball and football), love travel and ski--will book and arrange (and pay for) all vacations, weekend getaways, considerate, kind, highly outgoing at parties, loads of friends (male and female), artistic and creative, extremely ambitious and go after what I want, high sex drive, attractive, work out, do yoga, meditate, extremely generous with family and friends, focus on self improvement and goal oriented...

My negatives: Can be demanding and *****y, critical and self-critical, insecure (which I fight with over ambition), shopaholic (when I cannot travel due to my hubby's finances--I compensate by shopping), master of guilt trips, very focused on weight and body image and physical appearance (probably because I get no sex)..get depressed and frustrated easily, lack patience and understanding, selfish, talk about spousal frustrations with kids which I know is a no-no, one upmanship, have flirtations (but no physical contact or cheating)...generally restless and easily bored....seek external validation way too much....highly sensitive, need meds to sleep and anti-depressants to function at this point..

OK--please--anyone else with any other comments/ideas?? Keep them coming.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I wouldn't want those traits in a husband. 

The decision is ultimately up to you. Ignoring children is way out of line, but so is the way he handles the finances and ignores you intimately. If this were me, I wouldn't stay.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

IrishWife, I haven't read other replies yet. 

It sounds like the two of you have a lot of incompatibility (sexually, financially, and emotionally - three of the five pillars of compatibility) so there's a good chance that your marriage will eventually fail. 

However, that doesn't mean it's doomed to fail, either. If you can learn to set boundaries that prevent you from feeling harmed by his irresponsible behaviors, it might give the two of you some breathing space to appreciate more of the good. It might go the other way and foster a crisis that results in him making a decision to change or for the two of you to separate. 

Can you figure out what kinds of things get him really motivated to action? Sometimes people are motivated because they want to avoid criticism, while others cave in and feel helpless and unmotivated when they expect complaints. They're more likely to get motivated if they expect praise. (Of course, that praise has to be in a love language they understand, too.)

Use his motivation style in conjunction with boundaries to promote the changes you're hoping to see. For instance, stop paying for shortfalls. Insist on an automatic transfer of funds for the mortgage payment so you don't have to ask him. (You hold the purse strings = you hold the power. You seem to have gotten this jumbled up in your relationship and should reassert it. If he wants the power and freedom to do what he wants to, he should earn enough to make that happen or else learn to live within his means, and if he wants a say-so in the matter, then tell him to behave as a provider.)


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## irishwife (Aug 8, 2013)

Thank you for all your responses!! This is so helpful. I wish I knew about this web site before!!:smthumbup:


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Yea I'd serve him and see how he acts then. if you serve him and he still doesn't change then what's the point you two don't have any kids together so why waste your time with someone so self-destructive and intent on bringing everyone down around him.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Sounds like you have a case of role reversal. You make the money, and he spends it foolishly.

You want sex, and he won't intiate.

It sounds like you are checking out, and that is understandable.

In all fairness to him, you should be direct and completely honest. Tell him it is over because of x,y, and z. That way he can work through it mentally after his world is shattered. 

Maybe his next gf/wife will get the benefit of his efforts to improve.

Good luck!


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

you can't say you're staying in this for the stability it offers your kids, then bad mouth him to the kids. They probably really don't like him, or resent him for how he's treating you and them. They know exactly what is going on and it's probably killing them.

As soon as you leave him, you will be much more stable financially and emotionally. Does he know that you're thinking about leaving him. I think it's time to tell him how resentful, unfulfilled, unsatisfied you are, which I'm sure he knows, and if he wants to stay in this marriage, then he'll participate more as a husband, father, and financially responsible person.

I don't care how great he is at times - this gets all tossed out the window and soon as he disrespects you - which seems to happen all the time. being financially irresponsible and leaving you holding the bag is incredibly disrespectful.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

No sex in a decade & you have a 7 yr old son together? Maybe he did the math & realizes that it's not his kid. So he decided not to be sexually active with you anymore.

He loves you & wants the family, but doesn't want anything to do with sex. Sounds like most older housewives I hear about.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Irishwife, you say that you are in therapy. Why don't you two go together? You said you can be critical, but you have you really told him any of what you told us here? Have you told him that your resentment is building to the point where you are seriously considering leaving him?

I really think that is the place to start before deciding whether to end the marriage. 

I see three distinct problems:

1. Finances. Insist that you won't bail him out again unless he agrees to the following: have all money going into a joint account, and set up automatic bill pay for the largest monthly expenses. And he bounces checks? This is 2013. Who uses checks anymore? *Get rid of his credit cards and checkbook and make him use debit cards only*. That way he can't spend more than he has (there are many ways to vary this plan, depending on your situation). 

2. Sex. Has he given you any reason for his lack of interest? Have you lost interest? Have you both gained a lot of weight? Has he seen a physician about this? If it's not a medical issue that can be managed, but he has just lost all interest, then in all likelihood you only options other than leaving him are either to live without sex for the rest of your days or tell him you are taking a lover on the side. 

3. Kids. If his stepkids can "be a real pain" as you said, what about his biological child? Does he see that child as such an imposition? 

I don't see much hope here, but if he makes just a couple of changes, and you both go into marriage counseling, you could improve things. It's worth a shot.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You cannot say what a good dad he is, when you describe his neglect in the next paragraph. (I was also curious about how your son is 7, when you havent had sex in a decade?) Bottom line is, there is no stability here for your kids, financially or emotionally. I would be willing to bet that they are quite unhappy. You are being disrespected and your kids see it...they are not being respected either. 

The things you have listed would be dealbreakers for me.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Okay... In OP's defense, she did say that it has been "almost a decade". My guess is she's exagerating a little, and that possibly, though rare, they probably do have sex on occasion.

But I am curious...Did you have an affair? A lot of your post feels very resentful to you current husband, and you want an excuse, or support from other people that it's okay for you to leave the marriage.

Yes, I can see lots of resentment toward your hubby.... especially financially. Believe me... I'd love to get half the mortgage payment each month!. I haven't gotten household bill help from my hubby in ... welll..... scratch that. Last month, we sold our extra refrigerator in the garage for $425. I got their first $250 payment, to help pay our son's car insurance bill, that was $300 more than I expected.... Other than that... I can count on one hand how many times he's given me $50 over the past 3 years.

And... each time, I've not been told it was for help with household bills. I was told to buy gas in the kids car, or to purchase beer for his friend (about $20, soooo Whoopeeeeeee $30 for me to spend freely at will!!! Oh my, I'm in heaven. NOT.)


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## irishwife (Aug 8, 2013)

Yes, some things to clarify--our daughter is his...we had sex back when we were married in 2004 and prior, just slowly stopped to less than 1-2 times a year in the last 7-8 yrs...he has sought treatment for low T and taken Androgel hoping that would help but it did nothing but make him even more aggressive and grumpy towards the kids. He had a lot of untreated dental work that led to losing teeth and he has bad breathe to boot which makes it hard for me to get in the mood at this point. 

My daughter adores her dad...if we split, I break her heart...if we split later, I just delay breaking her heart but by the time she is a teen with her own friends, she may care a bit less. She loves spending time alone with me. My hubby does not want to spend time alone with her unless he gets an occasional bout of guilt for not doing so and then he does something with her and she really appreciates it. 

Financially, he paid no taxes last year even though he was supposed to be paying estimated taxes all along. He won't tell me what the final debt is but I want him to get a personal loan and pay the IRS because a personal loan cannot be tied back to me...He needs a co-signer so I asked him to get his mom to cosign. I already co-signed for his car and that is a huge mistake because they treat it like it's my loan. Everything else is also in my name, 1st and 2nd mortgages, my car, all camps and childcare, our cell phones, XM Radio, Health Insurance, Life Insurance, etc...he pays the gas/electric. If he transfers the IRS debt to a personal loan and pays the IRS and then pays back the personal loan, then would I still be liable? I think not but I feel less threatened than when he owes the IRS at least $20K+. I filed married separately since I pay most of the mortgage and all the childcare stuff so I can claim these deductions..

I should also say it's fair to mention that after I married him and his unemployment issues started, he racked up his credit cards (also unbeknownst to me) to the tune of $80K+ and he had to declare bankruptcy and we divorced lest I lose all our assets. I can't believe now that I remarried him thinking that chapter was long behind us only to find history repeating itself over again...

I guess my 1st trip should be to a lawyer to see how and if I can protect my assets (married or divorced)...then what divorce would mean in terms of the fact that I would essentially be having to support 2 households...that doesn't seem like an attractive prospect. In 3 yrs, the 2 oldest will be off to college and then I can sell the house for a profit and move to a condo with my daughter...how can I be happy in the meantime? Should I do that and just try to be happy and count my blessings or just surrender to the chaos that will ensue now...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I've been in a similar situation but my ex stopped working all together. What did I learn? I would have been a lot wiser to get rid of him when he was working. It's a lot easier kick out someone who will not be homeless.

I don't see what you are getting out of this relationship.

I think that you are wrong about when to break your daughter's heart. It will go better for her at this young age. She has time to heal before he hits her teen years. Drastic family changes in the teen years is horrific for kids. Sure they get their own lives.. but they depend on a stable foundation from which to rebel and go out into the world. Divorcing earlier gives you more time to stabilize her home life for she hits her teen years.


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