# Sex has taken a nose dive IMO



## Monty4321 (Jul 15, 2011)

:scratchhead: So the gf and I have been together for six months. We in our early 30s. We live together and she has three kids. For the first 3 1/2 months we had sex like cats and dogs - during this period she was searching for a job. We both initiated equally. When I was at work we often text and talk about how we couldn't wait to rip each others clothes off. Then on or around month number 4, we hit a wall. Her desire for frequent intimacy dropped like a bag of rocks. We went from having sex 5 days a week to once or twice per week. It shocked me because I loved the normal intimacy. 

I'm not a person who wants to have sex every single day, but I looked forward to knowing that I can have her everyday if I wanted to. Now every single time we have sex, it's only because she's in the mood. Almost every single time that I initiate, I'm turned down. I am now to the point that I don't want to initiate because I know she's going to turn me down. So I feel like our sex life will only be on her terms. 

Now whenever we have sex, she absolutely loves it. She stays in the mood for it. If we have sex in the morning, she'd want to do it all day.

When we first got together, she was an extremely sexual person. There were times I felt that I couldn't keep up. Even when we weren't having sex, we'd always be sexual with each other. We would flirt with each other all the time. We would also sext each other often. Now she has even cooled way off with the flirting and all forms of sex talk. So this is a shock to me as well. 

Because of all this, I am now in a position that I am trying to change myself and cool off. I am dialing back on my flirting, sexual touching, sexual talk, sexting, and initiating sex.

My previous relationship was an eight year marriage. The marriage was sexless and intimacy didn't exist. My gf knows about that.

Now she did go through a period in which she had anxiety and was stressed trying to find a job - so we were stressed about the finances. She also had family troubles. Right after this peak of stress, she finally found a job. 

The few times that I bought up my concerns with her, she blew me off and got frustrated with me. I'm afraid to bring it up anymore because I don't want to appear needy. I also don't want her thinking that I doubt her efforts in the relationship.

Her reasons that she gives are, she's tired a lot from work, she feels like she's getting old, she's aching from work, or she's just now in the mood. She works at a nursing home which is long physical work. I think that stressful period that she had kind played a role.

Outside of this issue we actually have a great relationship and plan on marrying each other. We have our ups and downs as with any couple. The few times 

Am I in the wrong for being frustrated that she all of the sudden took a nose dive sexually and I have to just suck it up? 

I just really fear getting into another marriage were there is no intimacy.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

She's not your wife she's your girlfriend. For 6 short months even. Dump her. Dating is for finding the one and she ain't it. You should not be having sex problems this early. It's a sign that it time to just bail.

Eta: you know cats and dogs don't do it right?


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

Monty4321 said:


> The few times that I bought up my concerns with her, she blew me off and got frustrated with me. I'm afraid to bring it up anymore because I don't want to appear needy. I also don't want her thinking that I doubt her efforts in the relationship.
> 
> Her reasons that she gives are, she's tired a lot from work, she feels like she's getting old, she's aching from work, or she's just now in the mood. She works at a nursing home which is long physical work. I think that stressful period that she had kind played a role.
> 
> ...


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## Monty4321 (Jul 15, 2011)

WorkingOnMe said:


> She's not your wife she's your girlfriend. For 6 short months even. Dump her. Dating is for finding the one and she ain't it. You should not be having sex problems this early. It's a sign that it time to just bail.
> 
> Eta: you know cats and dogs don't do it right?


I also agree that it's way too early to be having sex problems. To me I'm trying to figure out if it's a sign or not. If a friend came to me and told me he was having this issue, I would say exactly what you said. 

One issue about it that's really bothering me is, she doesn't seem to be bothered that I'm bothered. I mean, I'm really struggling with this. 

We really love each other and want to marry. So we're giving it a year. But I'm really hitting a wall.


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## Monty4321 (Jul 15, 2011)

sparkyjim said:


> Monty4321 said:
> 
> 
> > The few times that I bought up my concerns with her, she blew me off and got frustrated with me. I'm afraid to bring it up anymore because I don't want to appear needy. I also don't want her thinking that I doubt her efforts in the relationship.
> ...


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## Monty4321 (Jul 15, 2011)

sparkyjim said:


> Do you know how to discuss issues with her without projecting all of your fears into the discussion?


What do you mean?


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## ET1SSJonota (Dec 25, 2012)

Monty4321 said:


> What do you mean?


Without being accusatory or putting her in a situation where she feels she has to defend herself. "You" statements when you could use "I" statements. 

However, it is hard to have that kind of discussion without doing so. Honestly, it might not even be credible, although we could talk about the psychology behind trying to for quite some time. The bottom line is her behaviors have changed, you don't understand it, and you want more information. Being factual, rather than emotional, can go a long way. So can understanding.


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## Janky (Nov 26, 2013)

Only 6 months in and this is already going on? Run for the hills man.

Had this same thing happen with a past gf.

She gets her hooks into by being all HD in the beginning and then goes back to business as usual, LD.

Bait and Switch.

Im not really surprised that she doesnt care that this upsets you, I could never figure that one out myself when I was going through it.

Leaving was the best thing I could have done. 

Why should you do all the work on fixing this when the issue is clearly her?

I notice this in most of the SIM threads, the person who is hurt has to do all the work to get the other person to be intimate with them again. Sorry, that just sounds crazy to me.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Na, 
You know many women do that initial interest thing and then level off to their normal and that is probably what you are seeing. 

She has a physical job, she is tired, has kids, is not young any more, etc..

How many women in this world are sex goddesses? My guess is that they are few and far between. 

The question is what is it really going to go down to? If you can never initiate sex and interest her what does that mean? 

I doubt she will ever be like your ex. But at this early stage the fact that she does not occasionally respond to your initiating sex is troubling.


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## tornado (Jan 10, 2014)

You were in a sexless marriage? Do you really need to think about this. Marriage should be totally out of the question.


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## Monty4321 (Jul 15, 2011)

Janky said:


> Only 6 months in and this is already going on? Run for the hills man.
> 
> Had this same thing happen with a past gf.
> 
> ...



Did u leave because of the lack of sex? How long was the relationship? What did she say when u left. What did she say when u complained? 

Did she try to help at all?


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## Monty4321 (Jul 15, 2011)

tornado said:


> You were in a sexless marriage? Do you really need to think about this. Marriage should be totally out of the question.


It's crazy, because she loves it when we do. She be feeling all good afterwards and in a really good mood and she always wants to do it again later. But then the next day hits and she's dead sexually. I either ask or try to initiate twice during a seven day stretch and more times than not get turned down.


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## Monty4321 (Jul 15, 2011)

Is it too early in the relationship to talk about expectations? To talk about this - would this normally mean the doom of the relationship?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Monty4321 said:


> Is it too early in the relationship to talk about expectations? To talk about this - would this normally mean the doom of the relationship?


You say you two want to get married - of course you need to talk about expectations! You've only been dating 6 months and you're already living together. This is the time to be learning about each other.

Here's what you've learned: When your relationship just started and she wasn't working, the sex was great and 5 times a week. Then she had some stress piled on her, and then finally started a new job which is in a high stress caregiver role, and she has three kids. Under that normal life scenario, her sex drive takes a back seat. She wants sex and can fully enjoy it only when she's already fully relaxed - in the morning after she's just spent the night resting up.

You've also learned that trying to discuss this when you're feeling frustrated will not be productive. It puts her on the defensive, and then it's hard to discuss things calmly when someone feels provoked. The way she might see it is, she's struggling with the demands of her new job, and all you are worrying about is getting off. (I'm not saying this is what you are doing or intend at all, but how she might take it if you talk (yell?) to her while you're feeling frustrated with her).

So bring it up some time other than when you are in bed, and not right after you've been turned down and are feeling rejected. 

"Babe, I know you've been under a lot of stress with the new job, but I miss our connection. I miss the time we used to have to play together. How can we make sure we make the time for each other?"

And then you can talk about both of your expectations for your sex life together. You can look for common ground - you might agree not to try to have sex when she's tired form work, and do it in the mornings instead, for example.

She may tell you that this is it - this is how sex works for her when living together with someone while she has a job. That she loves sex with you, but her mind and body can't get into it when she's tired from work and under stress. That once or twice a week is what she can offer. 

Then it's your turn to consider whether you can live with that or not.


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## Janky (Nov 26, 2013)

Monty4321 said:


> Did u leave because of the lack of sex? How long was the relationship? What did she say when u left. What did she say when u complained?
> 
> Did she try to help at all?


About 6-8 months in is when it went to sh*t.

Sex dropped from 5-6X a week, to 1X a week, to 1X every 2 weeks, to 1X a month.

Not only did the sex drop, most affection and kissing was like a peck on the lips once a day.

I talked to her about it, thought i was doing something wrong and couldnt figure it out.

Excuses i was told included:

Sorry if i spoiled you in the beginning, im not really that sexual

We have been together long enough that we dont need to have sex as much.

I told her that I wasnt happy and would leave if things didnt change. She would change for about a week and then it would go back to normal. 

Rinse and repeat....

She was upset that i broke it off although she wouldnt ever go to the dr about being possibly ld or couseling.

I gave up, had enough, never do it again.

Theres nothing worse than waking up everyday wondering why the person you love wont touch you.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

OK to talk about expectations -I would be more interested in her expectations than telling her yours. Because if you can get her to answer honestly what an ideal married couple looks like than you can determine for yourself if that meets your needs.

If you tell her yours than she may be tempted to fudge a bit in an effort to be the person you want when in reality she may not be. (sexually speaking)


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

Janky said:


> I gave up, had enough, never do it again.
> 
> Theres nothing worse than waking up everyday wondering why the person you love wont touch you.


Yup. Been there, done that, have the t-shirt around here somewhere....

Six months is too soon to be having these problems. It points to one of several possible things:

1. The bait and switch. She's not into sex, unless it's just long enough to "hook" a guy. Once she's got her "hooks in him", she relaxes, and the sex starts dropping off. This almost NEVER improves.

2. She's into sex when it's exciting. As in new relationship exciting. Once the novelty wears off, the sex wanes.

3. She's no longer into you. Over the past 6 months, she may have seen things in you that turn her off. And she's pulling back. You no longer make her want to "mate" with you.

4. Temporary hardship or stress. Doesn't sound like this as it has steadily been declining almost from the start. This is how it usually goes with bait and switchers, OR, insecure women settling for less than what they know they want or deserve. The "any port in a storm-ers". 

At any rate, do not even THINK about getting married now. Six months is FAR too soon. The honeymoon phase should last a couple YEARS, not a couple MONTHS. Think more along the lines of 5 years before marriage, and you'll likely avoid one or more very financially and mentally costly mistakes. Anyone can "stand on their head" and be the "perfect" mate for a year or so. Until they've got you by the short hairs on your fuzzy nuts. Almost nobody can put on a show for 3 years or more. About year 3, you're starting to really see what you'll be dealing with later.


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## ET1SSJonota (Dec 25, 2012)

I see a lot of curiosity Monty, but I'm not seeing if any of this is actually sinking in for you. 

One of the things that sites like this one (in particular) have taught me is that your "gut feeling" has a strong possibility of being right. What's it telling you now? If we're not reading too much between the lines, it's telling you that you're walking into the classic Bait and Switch, except she's even shown you her hand before you say the "I do's". 

You even say that you've discussed it and it's gotten temporarily better... so what's THAT tell you? 

I would suggest taking marriage completely off the table at this point. That based on your past experiences, and her behaviors thus far, that you won't commit yourself to reliving that pain - and you're already starting. 

One of the things that keeps my hopes/spirits up in my situation is that if I start getting down, and withdraw (as you mention), my wife will notice fairly rapidly - and DO something about it. So even if things aren't happening as much as I'd like, at least she's showing that she has an active interest in me continuing to try. If 5+ times a week was her "normal", was what SHE wanted, dropping that off to 1-2 times would be noticed by HER, and SHE would be trying to do something about it. 

By all evidence, you've now been introduced to the ACTUAL sexuality of your significant other. Now decide if being duped is ok with you, or if you want to do something about it.

Best of luck,
Jon


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Invest in a quality product as shown in the link below and use as soon as it is delivered to get away.

http://www.martin-baker.com/

The "too tired" excuse is bogus. I'm 54, have heard it too many times from someone who is never tired of walking five miles a day...


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## Deseperada (Jan 7, 2014)

john117 said:


> Invest in a quality product as shown in the link below and use as soon as it is delivered to get away.
> 
> Home
> 
> The "too tired" excuse is bogus. I'm 54, have heard it too many times from someone who is never tired of walking five miles a day...


I agree John.. I am a 51 year old female .. work over 80 hrs a wk and never too tired.. as a matter of fact, it releases tension and relaxes the soul. I too am in a sexless relationship 1-2 times a wk for me as a Latina.. is very Frustrating. .. Good luck


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

If 1-2 a week at 51 and 80 hr work weeks is sexless there ought to be a mass migration of TAM members towards that part of the world 

Seriously tho you bring up a good point. People in that part of the world (figuratively speaking in terms of world of course) feel more sexual. I've spent some time in Puerto Rico and Miami and the difference in attitudes compared to up North is apparent  

Most people mistook my wife for a local and she received much attention since she did dress the part.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

I would just as soon not see stereotyping people with comments like "that part of the world" -this is 2014 people live all over the place. Latinas are Americans also.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Culturally, not geographically that "part of the world"... 

My kids are American born but have enough cultural baggage from their parents to last them a while, even tho they have spent little time in their parents' birth countries.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Culturally Latinas are Americans also. What is this 1950 again?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

It's not one or the other, but both.


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