# Leaving Your Best Friend, Advice Needed



## LivingInJello (Jan 7, 2014)

Good morning,

I am deeply struggling with my relationship and having to internalize everything. My husband is my best friend and we started dating 10 years ago. I am 29 and he is 31. We have been married for 4.5 years and I am considering ending it and need an outlet and thoughts (advice) from other individuals. 

The reason I can't converse with him on this subject is because he is approaching the end of his Ph.D, we are trying to sell our house and preparing to physically separate due to job moves. He loves me unconditionally and the mere mention of it would destroy his ability to finish writing his thesis and defense. We have no children and I have been financially supporting us since we have been married. 

I have an excellent job and given his field of study, I know I will always make much more money than him. The reason I say this is not to express greed or resentment but to show the dilemma I will write about. My husband has decided to persue a post-doc in another state once he finishes his Ph.D. While he has opportunities to do a post-doc locally, he refuses to do it. He wants to follow the best opportunity and while he is probably correct, he will be gone for one to three years (truly unknown) . I will not follow him because my job is stable and I have tremendous opportunities for advancement and a post-doctoral position is not permanenet and in one to three years he will be looking for work, probably in a different state again, which will definitely pay less than what my salary is. If I move jobs in my field, I will be forfeiting benefits I have accumulated and will not be able to find a post as good as what I have. (I have looked into this). 

I have been begging my husband to reconsider his leaving for the position in another state and he will not do it. He treats me wonderfully, is handsome but has anxiety that makes him not seek out opportunities. He is so skilled in his field that people come to him to offer him post-doctoral work, but he will never follow-up on a lead unless someone outright contacts and persues him. Our life has alwasy been like this. He will not support me if it means confrontation with another individual has to occur. 

(Example: We have lived in the same house for five years and have a neighbor who is a big big man that plays tejano or rap music with strong bass at all hours of the night, nearly every day of the week. It drives me out of my mind and I am always sleep deprived. I have begged him to go over and talk to the neighbor and ask him to stop it and he won't. I am tiny and I will have to go out at 2am and approach a drunken large male to ask him to turn down his music, because my husband is paralyzed by anxiety to do such. Sometimes I have to drive to my mother's house just to sleep and my husband is ok with this rather than going outside and approaching this individual.) 

This is just one of many situations. I am scared that when/if we have children I will always have to fight the battles for them. 

His good side: He is kind, intelligent, witty, loves me, extremely attractive, hard-working, helps around the house. My family adores him and my friends adore him. He attends my church even though he is not of my faith.

His bad side: He has anxiety, does not have any local friendships that I have not built for him, refuses to seek out relationships, will always make less money than me, refuses to branch out from his very focused skill set to persue other work, his field of study does not have opportunities for him where my job is based. He keeps important things from me because his family is weird and he will leave me out. Example (He did not tell me I had a neice because he was ashamed of the circumstances of his brother's child. His family told him not to share it with me and he obliged. I found out about the child's existence when I retrieved the mail one day and found an invitation to her 2 year birthday.) We did go to marriage counseling for that. That was about 2 years ago and we were married.

What I feel: I am missing out on life and may never have children. I will lose my best friend, who I spend nearly all my time with. My friends (they were all originally my friends) will be very angry with me and desert me because they have come to love my husband. I will always have to be the strong one in my family. I am scared of divorce because I am Catholic and will not be able to get an annulment because this is not a divorce that is due to abuse, which means I will have a huge void in my faith. 

I broached this topic with my husband and voiced my concerns once and he nearly had a break down and told me he understood and gave it a 50/50 chance that we would stay together if he left. He said, "I know I may be destroying the best thing in my life," and yet he is still going. I asked him if we divorced if he thought we could still be friends. He said no. 

After this conversation which was a number of months ago I checked out of the relationship emotionally. I have been doing more and more things solo and preparing myself to live alone, which is inevitable. I really believe I want a divorce but I am terrified and feeling completely miserable and it is eating me up. I know I would not divorce him until after he finished his Ph.D. and got settled in his new post in the other state and that is probably 3 to 4 months from now, which seems like an eternity to deal with this emotional nightmare. I still am physical with him out of duty and I do a good job of pretending I am into it, because I know he needs it to relax. I feel nothing during the act. I am very personable and know I would easily be able to find another partner if I leave my husband, so that is not a concern I have at all.

I appreciate you reading this tome of a post and would appreciate any feedback.


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## Mysterymind (Jan 7, 2014)

Do you feel that you might resent the fact that you put him through school and was there for him and now he has found his wings?

It must be hard to deal with the judgement from friends you might be anticipating.

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## Mysterymind (Jan 7, 2014)

What is your field of work?

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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Hi and welcome to these boards. I am quite new here myself. Your story is well-written and it is clear that you have analyzed your situation and have given much thought and consideration to resolving it. One thing stands out though: 



LivingInJello said:


> I have been begging my husband to reconsider his leaving for the position in another state and he will not do it....I broached this topic with my husband and voiced my concerns once and he nearly had a break down and told me he understood and gave it a 50/50 chance that we would stay together if he left. He said, "I know I may be destroying the best thing in my life," and yet he is still going.


It seems as though you have concluded in your heart you must divorce him in order to have the kind of partner and life you ultimately want. However, *would you stay in the marriage if he decided to stay in town to do his post-doctoral work?* From your post, it seems that either way, he is not the type of person you ultimately want to be with. Perhaps that is a question that will help you in your decision.


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## LivingInJello (Jan 7, 2014)

Thank you all for your feedback. 
Mystery- 
I do resent the fact that he is leaving after all the years we have spent together. It feels like abandonment and in his own words he is willing to risk out relationship for it. It is not so much that he is leaving, but rather the reason he is leaving. His opportunity is not a new job; it is simply another progressive step in education. This step is something that he could pursue locally and we have excellent and highly regarded institutions in our area. He ultimately wants to work in industry and he feels that this is necessary for him to do so, but he has never looked for a job in industry so this is all speculative. I feel that he continues to postpone a permanent job because he is not mentally able to reach out and look. When I encourage him he gets defensive and says I do not understand. He will not even look for a job until the post-doc is up, so that is another 1-3 years of my life wondering what will become of us. 

Happy- 
I think you are right that I have concluded in my heart about divorce, but I have not discussed it and I do not know whether that conclusion is fixed or still malleable. I am not sure whether I would stay with him at this point even if he did his post-doc locally. He has caused me so much pain saying that he will not and it makes me feel that our relationship will always be secondary. Furthermore, it does not change my future concerns about his lack of seeking out work. He is ambitious but can not follow-up, in short, a dreamer.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You dated for 5.5 years... That seems long enough that these personality traits should have been fairly obvious, no?

In any case... You can see where you sit in his priority list. You know his personality issues are with regards to him getting a job and being gainfully employed, even if he doesn't make your salary. Personally, I see these issues and resentments growing in the future, not getting better. The only real difference is you'll be older, your biological clock will be ticking that much louder, you'll be on the hook for that much more support...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Gosh... It sounds like he definitely has a lot of stress an anxiety that is holding him back in a BIG way, but at the same time, I get the feeling that you aren't (and haven't been) very committed either.

I don't mean that as an insult or to make you feel bad, I promise. It sounds like you are both in a situation where there are things at stake that are VERY important to both of you, things that you are both willing to risk your marriage over and you both acknowledge that. THAT ALONE makes me question the commitment level, because IMO, outside of faith and children, I don't think anything else is worth risking a marriage over. 

If my wife told me that it was absolutely incredibly important to her that we move out of state so that she could go to a certain school/program that would be better for her career, then as long as she isn't insanely wrong about that assertion, I would agree to move us with her. Job/Money just isn't that important to me I suppose. Same situation in reverse however, if I wanted to leave for that same opportunity, but my wife wanted us to stay put because of the incredible job/career that she has here and REALLY doesn't want to walk away from that, I'm sure I'd agree to stay as well, especially since there are local options available for what I (your husband) wants to do, even if they aren't quite as good.

In any case, as you said, you've been ready and preparing to exit the marriage for some time now so I imagine that there isn't much that can be done about it now. In my experience, once a woman has been pushed over that final line, it's nearly impossible to bring them back. I don't want to assume anything here however, so let me just ask, have you indeed decided that you do want the divorce for certain, or are you still debating that?


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

Stay married. Divorcing is horrible and won't be worth it. You also chose to enter into a lifelong marriage contract. Honor your contract.


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## needhelp66 (Apr 29, 2013)

What does he want you to do? 

If he was ok to go to counselling with you, may be worth trying that again to ensure your both well aware of how your futures will turn out.

How long have you had this job and desire to stay where you are? From before you we're married? 
I'm not catholic or Christian but I understand that your faith talks about marriage contracts...was this part of the agreed contract that he is now trying to break by moving away?

Sounds like the neighbour issue will go away soon once you sell the house which will lower at least some of your stress.

If you moved state and got a lower paying job, would the drop be so much as to impact your way of living? And are you prepared to sacrifice your marriage for this? 
On the other hand, how much difference would it make for him to do his post doc locally in the long term? Are there other reasons he wants to move away? You said he has hidden things from you before....

All the best...be healthy and stay strong


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## Sun Catcher (Dec 6, 2013)

He is 31 year old professional student, a wimp and from what I read makes choices for and does things for his benefit and not yours. How can you call someone like this your best friend, much less your husband? 

You made a mistake in marrying him, your not committed and perhaps never were. Your friends and family don't need to 'understand', it is none of their business. Don't worry about the catholic church, I know for a fact annulments are a dime a dozen here in Florida, even on marriages that have lasted over 60 years with multiple children. 

Just don't make the mistake of getting pregnant now.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You have no obligation to nice out the remaining time while he finishes his dissertation. That further commitment in the face of his nonchalance will only cause you to resent him more. Since you know he does not care about you, why should you guide out if the nest?

His lack of commitment to you is indicative of his lack of commitment to his own happiness.

Perhaps some uncle figure whom he respects could get him to take a hard look at himself. IC, yes, that may be too slow.

Why don't you begin to 180 him. Don't have intercourse with him. No more passionate kisses. Give him hand jobs to placate him.

His decision making is dysfunctional. You do not want to have children with him, unless he insightfully shows remorse for his callous treatment of you.

Whomever he marries will probably regret it.

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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

LongWalk, I get what you are saying and I don't necessarily disagree, but it seems to me like OP's commitment level isn't any stronger than her husbands. It sounds like both have basically planted their feet and said that they will not inconvenience their careers for the other. 

Personally I think OP's case is a little bit stronger, given that he could conduct his studies locally, albeit with a weaker institution, but we are also only getting OP's side of the story so I tend to assume that most original posters leave out a few details from time to time that wouldn't favor their case.

It sure sounds like the OP has decided on divorce however, having given up on the marriage "a number of months ago" and preparing for the single life. So unless the OP indicates otherwise, I am thinking that this thread is in the wrong section?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

wilderness said:


> Stay married. Divorcing is horrible and won't be worth it. You also chose to enter into a lifelong marriage contract. Honor your contract.


Sorry, but this is generic advice and a prescription for insanity. Divorce is nothing compared to lifelong misery and suffering, pain and anger. I know, I did it for 20 years.

I believe you two are ultimately incompatible and its best to end it now before children are brought into such an unhappy situation (whether planned or accidental). 

My biggest remorse for my failed marriage is that my children had to suffer through years of icy anger and unhappiness. I tried my best to shelter them from it, but kids are smart and perceptive and you can't hide the truth from them.

I agree with *cdbaker*, your commitment to this marriage is somewhat questionable. Listen to your internal voice and pay attention to all the red flags.


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## Mysterymind (Jan 7, 2014)

What if you move with him and he finds someone else? You would have left all your friends and your career behind. When you marry a weak wishy washy guy you get stuck being the motherly figure.

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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Mysterymind said:


> What if you move with him and he finds someone else? You would have left all your friends and your career behind. When you marry a weak wishy washy guy you get stuck being the motherly figure.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


Huh? I don't think OP has said anything about being concerned about him finding someone else and leaving her. I don't think she has given any indication that she has reason to be suspicious or worried about that at all. I mean, anyone could meet someone new and cheat on their spouse, so why suggest that as a particular potential concern here?


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

I have to say you are a little tough, constantly saying how you are more successful, (not that it matters) accomplish more in your career (not that it matters) have an excellent job and now when he tries to secure success, you suggest he should take a lesser position. It is as if you are saying, Jack you are not particular successful and will never be, I will be the primary breadwinner so let's make sure we stay we I need to be. 

I'd be inclined to say you should move. Alternatively, you too should work together on alternate solutions.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Bobby5000 said:


> I have to say you are a little tough, constantly saying how you are more successful, (not that it matters) accomplish more in your career (not that it matters) have an excellent job and now when he tries to secure success, you suggest he should take a lesser position. It is as if you are saying, Jack you are not particular successful and will never be, I will be the primary breadwinner so let's make sure we stay we I need to be.
> 
> I'd be inclined to say you should move. Alternatively, you too should work together on alternate solutions.


If the OP was a man, I don't think you would have posted this.

How is he securing success? He's a professional student and he's just going to school some more while she supports him. She posted twice that he can obtain the same schooling where they already live. He's 31 years old, he needs to grow up and get a job like grown ups do. 

Who is paying for him to move to another city? For his new apartment, furnishings, food? I hope you're not, OP. If he wants to leave then he needs to do it all on his own.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Well I'll agree we are a little short on details. However the original post suggested he had a choice between a prestigious program which would facilitate a good placement and promote success in the future or podunk college, the local school nearby. 

If he's a perennial student that's one thing. The post suggests he is sincerely seeking succes which would require a good graduate program. Perhaps it would make sense to post some details.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Bobby5000 said:


> Well I'll agree we are a little short on details. However the original post suggested he had a choice between a prestigious program which would facilitate a good placement and promote success in the future or podunk college, the local school nearby.
> 
> 
> 
> If he's a perennial student that's one thing. The post suggests he is sincerely seeking succes which would require a good graduate program. Perhaps it would make sense to post some details.



This guy is going for his post doc. He will already have a PhD in a few months. From what she posted it doesn't sound like his field of study is very lucrative whether he does post doc study or not. I'm all for doing what you love but at some point you need to become an adult. I mean what's next? Is he going to want to go for another degree when he's done in post doc in 1-3 years?


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

She says that her husband is her "best friend". How many people have the same best friends since grade school, high school, or college? I went through several best friends who I only now call friends or even acquaintances. 

What brought you close to your friend either no longer appeals to you or to them. Point is people change, so you move on.

And another thing to the OP, your husband isn't your friend, he is your husband as much as you are his wife. You do things what is best for the marriage not destroy it.


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## tiffpaige (Feb 28, 2014)

I too am Catholic (Roman), my husband and I are the same ages, we have been married for a couple years longer, and we sure have been through this. Let me start by telling you that our local parish was not accepting of our separation, and down right voiced their opinion of divorce. If this is your decision, please prepare yourself for any type of outcome from people that have no business being in your business.

We have a child, and he has always come second to everything my husband wants. He always had his "dream career" and I supported him. Through this pursuit let me tell you that when he started looking for different jobs, they all seem to be lateral moves because he has no backbone and won't fight or has no confidence that he can do better. 

After I supported him through that time in his life and his career got going, he lost all (I mean all) respect for me. This started small like hiding things from me (just as you had mentioned). The hiding increased to the point that he would disappear for days, refused to answer my calls or texts etc. All I want to say is that this could spiral. One of the hardest times in life is when school ends and career begins. I remember feeling lost and my husband started acting oddly too. Even my best friend had depression and anxiety when she graduated after being in school for six years. 

So, here is what I did. It may seem extreme or off the wall, but it seems to have worked. We separated. No contact, that's it, done. He moved all his stuff out and we said goodbye. We didn't speak for a long time (I am talking over a year and a half with no contact). About two years ago I decided that I couldn't and wouldn't live without him anymore. He told me he had recently been secretly checking on me to see how I was doing because he missed me too. We came back together and things were like when we first started dating. We were a team again. We finally understood what we had to lose. I never did really date anyone because I always knew he was it in my heart, but I was so over his lack of care about me or "us" that something had to be done. I think the separation showed him what his life would amount to, which wasn't much besides work and school. 

Good luck, God Bless you both, and tears are acceptable. It's ok to be upset, it's ok to fight for your marriage, it's ok to question other people's motives when it affects your future. Once you start bringing children into the mix, you can expect your personality to change. I promise you this; your love will grow for your husband, your time for friends will dramatically decrease, and your care for other people's opinions will drop significantly. In fact, I lost contact with most of my friends. You might still be understanding (I think I am), but the moment it starts affecting the children, understanding goes out the window. 

Please think for your future. I personally think that withholding love or affection from someone, no matter how angry you are at them is wrong. I like to tell my husband that although I don't like him at that moment or care for his actions or words, I love him. Right then and there, I am so angry. but so in love. God wants us to love and respect our spouses unconditionally. We must remember this. I think that it is easier for a man to understand what he has when it is gone, women tend to overthink things and consider something a hundred times before making a decision. 

And, finally here is some secret advice that I learned that I would like to share with you... Never withhold sex from your spouse. The best way to get over a heated argument is to go at it hot and heavy. The best way to get them to listen is to speak to them when they are sated and naked. When I really need to bring up something upsetting or want to talk about a sensitive topic I always try to talk to my husband afterwards and in the calm quiet of our home, in our room (could be anywhere for you as you don't have children yet lol). I hope this helps.


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## poppyseed (Dec 22, 2013)

You say, you have been checked out of the relationship.

Maybe, you've grown out of the relationship instead of growing together (nothing unusual). You have been so unhappy and I have to say, I'm unsurprised by that. You supported him too much over the years and perhaps, he even took advantage.. I'm not sure if you call him "your best friend". More like an unwanted mate...

I think it's normal nowadays for people to assess the health in their marriage from time to time. If it isn't meeting their needs, people do consider other options. It is no longer an automatic lifelong commitment, realistically speaking.


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## MerryMerry (Dec 6, 2009)

You could be describing my husband to a tee. Mine is also finishing up his dissertation for his PhD, been working on it for seven years! Just keeps dragging it out so he can stay in school forever! I think he's afraid to face the real world. His family is weird just like your dh's too! They pay for him and enable him to keep up this lifestyle of procrastination. Meanwhile, I am the only one in the house working/looking for a better job. Something I learned from discussing the situation with my minister the other day: your situation you're going through may change, but your husband is always going to have these traits that are pissing you off. That's not going to change, so why wait for it to happen; you'll just waste more years of your life. I was surprised to hear that from my minister, but he is right. Even if our dh's finish their PhD's soon, they'll still have these characteristics of low achievement and drive. Do you want to live with that forever? I said my husband is my best friend too so I can understand where you're coming from, but that love does not supersede my value system. At what point do you sacrifice your values for your husband?


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

This is a small matter, but you do know that the police will come out and tell your neighbor to turn their music down. Once and a while for a party is OK, but all the time is disturbing the peace....


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