# Any advice on how to get hb back from OW??



## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

I never in my wildest dreams thought that my hb would ever leave or cheat on me.. Wow was I shocked. 
We were together 8 years, married 4. Have two kids, 3 & 8.
Hb said he's moving out 9/4 and said he wasn't talking divorce or throwing in the towel, he just needed to figure things out.. 
Found out after 2 mos separated that he's been talking to coworker for months at night while I was sleeping, etc.
Confronted him the next day but said I can forgive him and I understand mistakes and the mistakes I've made and all I want is to save our marriage and family. 
He started saying ILyBNILWY after that and began becoming more and more distant. Started being angry and re-writing our history as all negatives even our wedding night. Completely different man than I've known for 13 years total. Shocked. 

Anyway, I know that he is hurting and lost and I know I want us to try and save us and that I can forgive him. But also know that he has to want to come back not out of guilt or pity. 

Looking for any advice on how to win hb back from OW...? Any success stores or suggestions.
I never thought I would ever want someone back after this but love prevails. 
Thanks in advance!!
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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Btw I've begged pleaded, stopped drinking, apologized, offered changes, asked for MC-he refuses, fried daily, lost 20 lbs in a month.. Written heartfelt apology letters etc. nothing nudges him he has turned cold.
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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Cried daily lol
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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

"winning back" means you view your cheating husband as a prize. Until you can look at him not as a prize but as a flawed person, who chose a new relationship with some other woman with low enough self esteem to be a MM's AP over his own W and his own family, you will never be able to capture his respect. I guess why would you want to?

But, if your goal is to break him out of his fog so that you have a chance at having him in a place where R may become a possibility, the first thing you have to do is kill the affair, and it shouldn't be too hard because they are just two people using each other for a pretend gratification, it feels real to them but under the circumstances of deception and backstabbing, their brains are high on each other and they will be highly out of touch with the reality around them. So find as much evidence as you can, using whatever means at your disposal - but don't sacrifice your own dignity, reveal the truth about their choices to everyone whom the affair impacts: the AP's spouse, their families, their workplace(s). Don't be afraid if it means they lose jobs, lose friends etc...

What matters most is the truth, followed closely by saving your marriage if at all possible. But until you are willing to let him go you will have no power over the situation, so take enough time to decide what you really want before offering the gift of R.


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Lon said:


> "winning back" means you view your cheating husband as a prize. Until you can look at him not as a prize but as a flawed person, who chose a new relationship with some other woman with low enough self esteem to be a MM's AP over his own W and his own family, you will never be able to capture his respect. I guess why would you want to?
> 
> But, if your goal is to break him out of his fog so that you have a chance at having him in a place where R may become a possibility, the first thing you have to do is kill the affair, and it shouldn't be too hard because they are just two people using each other for a pretend gratification, it feels real to them but under the circumstances of deception and backstabbing, their brains are high on each other and they will be highly out of touch with the reality around them. So find as much evidence as you can, using whatever means at your disposal - but don't sacrifice your own dignity, reveal the truth about their choices to everyone whom the affair impacts: the AP's spouse, their families, their workplace(s). Don't be afraid if it means they lose jobs, lose friends etc...
> 
> What matters most is the truth, followed closely by saving your marriage if at all possible. But until you are willing to let him go you will have no power over the situation, so take enough time to decide what you really want before offering the gift of R.


I see what you mean about using the term "winning" him back, I don't mean to imply that necessarily.. But I did say it.. 
What matters most I agree is the truth and saving our marriage and family. 
I have let everyone know about the affair such as my family, his mom and cousin, and I've also messages his OW's ex or possibly not ex (?) on Fb to let him know and see if he was aware. Have not heard back from him and he has not seen it yet as my phone lets me know if the MSG has been seen.. 
Hb knows I have let family know. He claims she is not the reason he left. Yet we all know that's why and what gave him the strength/reason to give up and leave.
I have also messages the OW on FB last week (I've known of her for two mos) but never contacted her until then as I did have a few glasses of wine and felt the need to. I let her know she is nasty and tearing a family apart etc. no response from her. 
Btw she was not married but was in a long term relationship and had a home with him which she moved out of a week after my hb got his apt. Clearly they both left their significant others for each other.
Hb has her around the kids already and they know her. Ugh makes me sick.. 
So you say until I am ready to let him go I will have no power over the situation.. So this means to back off and live my life without contacting him, ect? I'm not necessarily being honest with myself if I am to tell myself at this moment that I am willing to let him go.. Not ready.. But can back off I need to. 
Also this OW is complete opposite of me so weird!!
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## Twofaces (Dec 5, 2011)

Your in the first, desperate stages. Give it some time, you may not want him back.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Have you hired a shark of a divorce attorney yet, and really showed him the ramifications of what he is throwing away? he hasn't shown you much compassion at all, so defend yourself in kind and protect your own interests because no one else will, and he resigned from that position.

Yes, the 180 is part of your solution, no begging, pleading, all that is doing is enabling him to go on with his affair and realize you will be the backup, it is boosting his confidence that he is doing the right thing by serving his own needs with the OW.

And I advise an IC if you aren't already, discuss how to identify and enforce your boundaries... you've given your H the choice between you and the OW and he has made his choice clear, sorry to say. There is nothing you can do to change him so invest that energy into you, for the sake of your children and yourself.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

panel van. chloroform. tried and true.

sorry for your pain; but you don't want somebody who doesn't want you. which you'll learn eventually.


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Lon said:


> Have you hired a shark of a divorce attorney yet, and really showed him the ramifications of what he is throwing away? he hasn't shown you much compassion at all, so defend yourself in kind and protect your own interests because no one else will, and he resigned from that position.
> 
> Yes, the 180 is part of your solution, no begging, pleading, all that is doing is enabling him to go on with his affair and realize you will be the backup, it is boosting his confidence that he is doing the right thing by serving his own needs with the OW.
> 
> And I advise an IC if you aren't already, discuss how to identify and enforce your boundaries... you've given your H the choice between you and the OW and he has made his choice clear, sorry to say. There is nothing you can do to change him so invest that energy into you, for the sake of your children and yourself.


So he started talking divorce after 2 mos separated and says he wants a dissolution where we agree to everything and less costly etc. I agreed to this on Nov 28th. I was very honest and open and non confrontational about it. I stated that if this is what he truly wanted that I am ready and also let him know that I had spoke with a lawyer and the costs involved and about the procedure and approx. child support. I also indicated it is still the last thing I want but that I don't want us to fight or hate each other. I also asked if he would pay for it as this is something he wanted. He said he would talk to his dads friend (lawyer) and get back to me. I let him know that I will not sign a waiver so that his lawyer can rep him against me (he represented me in the past), sorry wont help in that dept.
So then I asked him again a few wks ago when he plans on doing this and what he's waiting for whether its money, etc to please let me know so that I can be prepared mentally and so I'm not so hopeful etc. don't want to be blindsided again.. He refuses to answer. Hung up on me. And then still has not mentioned divorce again. Is he confused. Lazy. Is he too broke. I don't fn know. I hope he's confused I guess.
Also on Christmas he told me he did miss me ( I had asked him) and then told me the next day (I asked him if he would please think abt coming home) he replied "I am" thinking about it. But next day told me he thinks abt it every day but always comes to same conclusion.
Yes I am desperate.
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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Orpheus said:


> panel van. chloroform. tried and true.
> 
> sorry for your pain; but you don't want somebody who doesn't want you. which you'll learn eventually.


Lol.. I know I want him to want me. But I know what you mean. Thx
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## keepmyfamily (Nov 16, 2012)

Focus on yourself and your children and live your life.

Trust me, you'll hit a point where you'll realize that you can do better. Who wants someone that doesn't care about them enough to be faithful? Cheating is the ultimate F you in my book. My husband showed me that the past 10 years and our family were disposable to him, he has shown no remorse, no apologies and has not cut off contact with OW; so therefore, the kids and I deserve better.


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

keepmyfamily said:


> Focus on yourself and your children and live your life.
> 
> Trust me, you'll hit a point where you'll realize that you can do better. Who wants someone that doesn't care about them enough to be faithful? Cheating is the ultimate F you in my book. My husband showed me that the past 10 years and our family were disposable to him, he has shown no remorse, no apologies and has not cut off contact with OW; so therefore, the kids and I deserve better.


Thanks. I guess I have different viewpoint because I cheated on my hb a few yrs ago. And I have been extremely remorseful and repented. I know that it was a mistake and due to personal issues not my hb. But the difference is that I stopped and apologized and cut off all ties and worked at us. That is a big difference as never did I ever say I didn't love my hb. Or leave. I'm sorry that happened to you also. I understand mistakes though and also that people can change!
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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

I agree wholeheartedly though that I need to stop and focus on me and the kids that's all I can do.
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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

veebras said:


> that's all I can do.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


it's like you answered your own question.


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Lol. Well easier said than done for certain!
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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

it almost always is.


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Bumping up! Any advice? Please just tell me again and again. I'm needy lol. I need support!! Thanks
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## coachman (Jan 31, 2012)

The only way to possibly get him back is to....let him go.

Read the "Just let them go" link in Orpheus's signature.


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

coachman said:


> The only way to possibly get him back is to....let him go.
> 
> Read the "Just let them go" link in Orpheus's signature.


Thank you 
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## StephenG (Nov 22, 2012)

I've been through something like this and I have seen both sides of the wall.
Do yourself a favor right away and say F him, I do not mean to sound rude but you're going to continue to wonder, hope, and try to fix your marriage, and the worst part : You'll be doing all that alone while your husband is out having a jolly, merry time.

The last thing he is thinking about is you, and you don;t want to win back a cheater, once one always one. Not worth your time, love, or support.

I had to get my own confirmation to get over my wife, such as when I found she was talking to OM during our marriage and right after our separation, so you'll need to find your own to get over him.

Lose the zero and find your hero


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

" win him back " isn't the best idea !

Make him run back to you and ask you for forgiveness and mercy is different story !

Let him go ! Cut all contact, change your hair stile and color, dress sexy , act happy and confident ! But the best and fastest way is to make him jealous .


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

I'm in the exact same boat as you and what everyone is saying is true, just let him go, act as if you're moving on with your life. Remember he is a WANT not a need. 
And she's met the kids?? WTF?? That is not cool. Get yourself to a therapist and a lawyer. Stick to the 180s. Do you have a support system in place? What is your child custody like?
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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Give the defiant what they want.

Start living life for you (and your kids).

Do not do anything to try and get reactions from him.

That will just keep you in the cycle.


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

BigMac said:


> " win him back " isn't the best idea !
> 
> Make him run back to you and ask you for forgiveness and mercy is different story !
> 
> Let him go ! Cut all contact, change your hair stile and color, dress sexy , act happy and confident ! But the best and fastest way is to make him jealous .


Thank you. I agree. With all you stated. Hate games of love this is life though. I've been doing great today! He has kids and kept ten last night. When he came to pick them up it was clear I was going out as I was dressed up n hot lol. And today he's watching them now at our house and I am out to dinner with a Gf. He doesn't knw who I'm with tho n I dressed up again  thanks again
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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

familyfirst09 said:


> I'm in the exact same boat as you and what everyone is saying is true, just let him go, act as if you're moving on with your life. Remember he is a WANT not a need.
> And she's met the kids?? WTF?? That is not cool. Get yourself to a therapist and a lawyer. Stick to the 180s. Do you have a support system in place? What is your child custody like?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah it's so not cool, she's worming her way in more being lil mommy and fun. Grr sickening girl. And about custody nothing currently filed we are separated as in he moved out but nothing filed with courts at all.. I have the girls daily except he watches them twice a week on his off days and they stay at his apt occasionally like once a week.
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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

So today and lately we've been getting along better. He came over for dinner two das ago I had invited him as he said he was willing to give it a try if I thought it was a good idea. No issues that night and he offered to help me make bed, cleaned hamster cage. Also he came over today and helped take down the Christmas tree and all. And even put my laundry away/hung my clothes up??!! Wtf weird. Not sure if he's just trying to be friends (?!) I can't really just be friends with him .. I'm too attracted! And too in love. 
Anyway he's being really now and were getting along its nice! So.. I'm just trying to create positive circumstances to hopefully let him see positivity and that we can work on us.
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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Unless he's dumped his posOW and broke all contact and shown true remorse and transparency, he's just cake eating. Keeping you as plan B. I would not be letting him in your house except for child care even set boundaries. Start reading other threads on here, there are some strong brave people who can show you how they did it. He is not being friendly, he is making a calculated move. Don't fall for it. Keep your self respect. Oh and keep him out of your bed! He may stds, and doesn't deserv to be there. Sofa or spare bed would have been fine, or he could go home. Don't be inviting him over.i know it's harem but do the 180 !


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Sorry about the typos, damn predictive txt


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Lol. Definitly no sex or in my bed unless he truly came back and repented and was remorseful. No way. But I am part to blame in this Denise by bad habits and actions so he felt unloved.. So I feel guilty and wasn't really there for him as a wife and friend should have been for quite some time. We were both still becoming and growing. Anyway just being an option is ok to me at this point and I want him to make the rift choice on his own eventually. I know I sound a bit crazy prob.. Thx
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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

And same shiit predictive text here lol
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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

What is posOW? Pice of shiit??! Lol
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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

"Just being an option is ok". Oh god that sounds horrible!!!!! But I gaurentee (I just suck at spelling lol) that I havw written the same thing in my thread. You do not deserve to be an option for anyone. If you screwed up, then own up to it, say you're sorry and then move on. Don't be a doormat. No man wants a doormat. You need to start thinking about reality. You're cooking him supper and then he goes home and screws POSOW. Think about that. Don't worry, I've done it myself but great people here on TAM are helping me get better and stand up for myself. He is a want, not a need. Be the better person.
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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

Yep, and she definitely is, don't forget that. You are the better person whether your H sees that right now or not. He's in a fog, you'll have to wait it out.
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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

veebras said:


> Lol. Definitly no sex or in my bed unless he truly came back and repented and was remorseful. No way. But I am part to blame in this Denise by bad habits and actions so he felt unloved.. So I feel guilty and wasn't really there for him as a wife and friend should have been for quite some time. We were both still becoming and growing. *Anyway just being an option is ok to me at this point* and I want him to make the rift choice on his own eventually. I know I sound a bit crazy prob.. Thx
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



You willingly board on the Plan B bus ?


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

BigMac said:


> You willingly board on the Plan B bus ?


In a way... Yes. Sad I know.. But being honest here. And bcuz I've made big mistakes in the past and I know people are only human and make mistakes. We are married and I actually don't take that lightly. So I'm willing to be patient and let him realize his mistake I'm hoping and be here for him unconditionally (for as long as I can) only I will know when that time is no longer. I don't know yet..?!
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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

familyfirst09 said:


> "Just being an option is ok". Oh god that sounds horrible!!!!! But I gaurentee (I just suck at spelling lol) that I havw written the same thing in my thread. You do not deserve to be an option for anyone. If you screwed up, then own up to it, say you're sorry and then move on. Don't be a doormat. No man wants a doormat. You need to start thinking about reality. You're cooking him supper and then he goes home and screws POSOW. Think about that. Don't worry, I've done it myself but great people here on TAM are helping me get better and stand up for myself. He is a want, not a need. Be the better person.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks babe. I'm trying not to be a doormat!! I'm trying to move on as much as I can. Takes some damn time! Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone!!
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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

Oh you're not alone. I know I screwed up too. And I've told him "ill wait" and I've cooked him supper, the whole works. And you know where it got me in over 4 months? Absolutely no where!! Have you read the book Divorce Remedy yet? If not, I highly suggest you read it. You're going to need to do things that will be completely unnatural to you (its extremely hard and I still suck at it but I'm trying) but it will help you mentally and may just help save your marriage and bring him out of this affair fog that he is in.
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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

The big thing is to detach yourself from him. Starting taking care of your life and living YOUR life without him. Look up the thread on 180s.
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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

veebras said:


> In a way... Yes. Sad I know.. But being honest here. And bcuz I've made big mistakes in the past and I know people are only human and make mistakes. We are married and I actually don't take that lightly. So I'm willing to be patient and let him realize his mistake I'm hoping and be here for him unconditionally (for as long as I can) only I will know when that time is no longer. I don't know yet..?!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I completely understand you . Just don't give him too much of a " freedom " because he'll abuse it.


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

I remember when I first found out about POSOW, and H was still working and shooting and hunting on the weekends and wasn't taking any responsibilty for D and I was like "its okay, you go have a good time, blah blah". And him saying "I'm not going to take advantage of this situation". Well its been over 4 months and he hasn't taken care of D for more than an evening here and there and he's worked, gone shooting (which he goes with POSOW btw) and hunting. Nooooooo not taking advantage at all. But I let him. Don't LET him treat you that way. I've got lots to learn myself. Rely on these good folks here to help you too!!
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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

familyfirst09 said:


> Oh you're not alone. I know I screwed up too. And I've told him "ill wait" and I've cooked him supper, the whole works. And you know where it got me in over 4 months? Absolutely no where!! Have you read the book Divorce Remedy yet? If not, I highly suggest you read it. You're going to need to do things that will be completely unnatural to you (its extremely hard and I still suck at it but I'm trying) but it will help you mentally and may just help save your marriage and bring him out of this affair fog that he is in.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm def going to get the Divorce Remedy as a few ppl have mentioned it to be great advice! Thx! And I've said the I'll wait.. Take ur time shiit too many times too. Done now. For now. Hoping I can keep this up! I did really good tonight!!!!! Yesss!
I've read Love must be Tough and Divorce Busting. By same author I think.
Thanks again! Hope you're doing okay too.
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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

BigMac said:


> I completely understand you . Just don't give him too much of a " freedom " because he'll abuse it.


Check! I agree. Thank you!
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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

BigMac said:


> You willingly board on the Plan B bus ?


You stayed aboard the plan B bus, yeah?

:scratchhead:


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

For now in a way... Yes I admit that
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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

veebras said:


> For now in a way... Yes I admit that
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not you, sweetie. 

BigMac.

It's hard to admit and come to terms with being plan B, at first, but you'll be fine.

It just takes time to find yourself and love yourself, again.

Just as a sidebar, however - while you're working on yourself, it's not necessary to play games with your STBXH. 

It's tough as hell, but it will benefit you the most to just forget about him and focus on your own well-being.


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

BigMac - 

In case you haven't noticed, that's the same question all newly separated betrayed spouses have.

At first, we all want to know how we can get the POS back home.

The fact is, *most* of us evolve and discover our own self-worth, which ultimately results in a stronger person who has no desire to play second fiddle to another person.

With that being said, I simply offered my opinion.

Seeing as how this is a public forum, that's acceptable, and it's not necessary for you to be okay with said opinion.

Good to see you back.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

You want him back that badly. I'm not going to try to talk you out of it. 

Ok, here's how it can be done!

1. First let go of him completely and allow yourself to grieve what you lost. Take a few months to cry it out, but *you stay with the pain until you've had enough and don't feel like beating yourself up anymore.* Don't try to meditate on it or block it from your mind. Just stay with it and remind yourself you can stop this anytime you want by thinking of something different. *Under no circumstances are you to believe this is all your fault and something you did caused him to have sex with another woman instead of masturbate to pornography and stick with you.*

2. You need to flirt with other men and enjoy the company of others. During your marriage did you ever look at other men or casually flirt back? No? Why not it could have helped you take him off his pedestal and shown him you're attractive enough to be taken away from him if he's not careful. Even though you're still married you can go on practice dates. And I think you'll find this helps you feel sexy without him. Just make a commitment to yourself - No sex until divorce. Trust me it's worth it!

3. When your husband is a jerk ignore him! He is not special, he is not Prince Charming, his body has not been carved out of marble and brough to life by the gods. He is not allowed to treat you like crap and get praise and affection in return. He is a d!ck for leaving you and he will not be rewarded with your returned phone calls or visits until he decides to treat you like a member of his family. 

4. MOST IMPORTANT: There will come a time when you talk to him again and see him on a court date or a casual date to "talk things out". Under no circumstances are you to look at him like you want him, touch him like you want him, or follow him like he's your husband. That means NO kissing, NO sex, NO hugs, and NO double dates! The further away you push him when he tries to hoover you in the more he'll want you. Just be nice to him and tell him "NO". 
And I've seen this work myself, and with a lot of others on here. You're the prize and you will not have sex with your husband again until he has an HIV test and commits to MC with you. 

5. START OVER! Start over..... START THE HELL OVER! Keep your Soon To Be Ex Husband in the friend zone and treat him like a friend. This doesn't mean he's allowed to complain to you about the hussy he's banging being mean to him. In that case you tell him "this too shall pass" or whatever and change the topic. If you can start things over as slowly as possible talking to him as rarely as once a week for less than 5 minutes while you date others.

ANd if you think I'm kidding about the dating, you don't know how a cheater's mind works. Trust me on this as soon as your husband even suspects you're spending your spare time with a potential guy you may be sleeping with(in his mind) he's going to show a lot of interest in you..... but only until he can bang you and then go back to her!

The trick to screwing up an affair is to have a casual friendship with your spouse and provide them a sanctuary away from the AP when things start going south. Once he ignores enough phone calls from her and spends your birthday with YOU this time she's going to have a nuclear meltdown until he dumps her...... though it takes like some 7 tries or so to end an affair successfully. So, use your better judgement and remember my two favorite medications for this: Pull away, and act happy! And whenever you have a good day with your spouse or a good conversation over the phone..... pull back for about a week or two...... and act happy. Once you get enough outside support and friends you won't care if he calls or even comes back. You might just find a better replacement anyhow.


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Nsweet said:


> You want him back that badly. I'm not going to try to talk you out of it.
> 
> Ok, here's how it can be done!
> 
> ...


Thanks so much for all your advice. I think you're right in what you're stating! Since I have backed off and went out and have been acting happier he is coming around more and helpful and friendly. Last night when he left after watching the kids he said bye to me and paused at the doorway and looked at me. He never does this usually. And typically each time he's leaving I say something like I love you. Or please come home. And he paused for a sec and was expecting me to say those things but did not! Just said bye. It was a nice feeling. Lol 
I have been dating. He doesn't know this really but probably suspects so. And I will def not be having any sec with any man until divorced. And not with hb until he is back for good and remorseful. 
Thanks again
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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

I hate dating though really.. I got on Match.com a few weeks ago basically just to try and move on some.. Make myself feel somewhat better n meet new friends perhaps. I dunno.. Not ready for any relationship really. I still want and pray for my hb back. I'm just trying to r happier for me n kids and be patient and back off, give him space, a possibility to miss me and see positive changes and all. I am such am impatient person though. My mind thinks of him still almost all day. I wish I could just turn it off. I guess it has been getting a not better with time though. Hanging in here by a thread I feel.. Wah
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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

Do you have any male friends you can hang out with?
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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

familyfirst09 said:


> Do you have any male friends you can hang out with?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not many. I do have one from childhood I've been talking with gain recently. Haha I asked him to go to dinner with me soon and he actually just texted me this: " are you using me for a practice date? Lol" funny guy. No! But anyway.. I don't have too many or too many friends here in general from moving alt etc
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

Haha, you should have said yes!!
I'm in the same boat tho, the men I have as friends want more than a "friendship" so I keep them at a distance and I don't have a lot of female friends anymore, a lot of my friends were toxic and had to go. I do have new activities starting up this month so hoping that will help me make new friends, both male and female.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

familyfirst09 said:


> Haha, you should have said yes!!
> I'm in the same boat tho, the men I have as friends want more than a "friendship" so I keep them at a distance and I don't have a lot of female friends anymore, a lot of my friends were toxic and had to go. I do have new activities starting up this month so hoping that will help me make new friends, both male and female.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We are similar I also have dropped some friends since this all came down due to their toxicity. And I used to be a big drinker with them. Can't be doing that shiit so much anymore as partly the reason for Denise of our relationship in a way. Thanks again for helping a sister out as reinforcing thins for me. I need constant reminders to stay strong an all!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

We ALL need constant reminders. Thank heavens for TAM!!!
Where do you live?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

familyfirst09 said:


> We ALL need constant reminders. Thank heavens for TAM!!!
> Where do you live?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Cincinnati OH. And what about you? How are you doing also? Are you still in limbo/anything in the works etc? Trying for reconciliation still?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

I'm in Nova Scotia, Canada. I'm just taking it one day at a time. My H is gone, in the affair fog and wants nothing to do with me and barely anything to do with our D. He sometimes makes an effort but feels more for show than anything. So all I can do is keep trying NC, 180s and see if I can get my life back on track without him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

familyfirst09 said:


> I'm in Nova Scotia, Canada. I'm just taking it one day at a time. My H is gone, in the affair fog and wants nothing to do with me and barely anything to do with our D. He sometimes makes an effort but feels more for show than anything. So all I can do is keep trying NC, 180s and see if I can get my life back on track without him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm sorry. Wish you lived here! Lol. He's in a fog too. Sucks. And barely sees his child, that's horrible. I hope that at least changes! And all that you desire!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

Lol I wish you lived here! I can't make him be a father and am done trying to. It'll be his loss. My desire is to live a better and happy life, with or without him. I'd still rather it be with him but I have to move past those thoughts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FrustratedFL (May 18, 2011)

Familyfirst - I can relate. My stbxh has been in an affair fog and hardly ever calls or see my daughter. It will be their loss that they abandoned their daughters. 

I am shocked at the person he has become.... I am in the middle of the divorce process and am trying to get past all the anger, and to contact him ONLY when child communication is needed.

It is so hard. I thought for the longest time he would come back and show remorse and realize what he is losing. That never happened...


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

How long has this been going on for you frustrated?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

I suggest reading Broken Heart on Hold -Surviving Separation by Linda Rooks as well as receiving Charleyne Cares daily emails from Rejoice Marriage Ministries. I believe these two things have helped me tremendously. They are Christian based so if that's def not your thing I understand. But if you truly live your spouse and are willing to be patient and love unconditionally for as long as you are able at least then I highly suggest the advice in these. I also like these scriptures and Hosea 11:11.
This is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel, says: “In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength.” Isaiah 30:15a 

“In that day I will restore David’s fallen tent. I will repair its broken places, restore its ruins, and build it as it used to be.” Amos 9:11
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Just went they all of the texts dating back to Sept when he first left and wow.. I'm begging and stating my love a whole lot and all he says I he ever replies are one liners like I know. Puts some things into perspective to look back theu those!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Dang this predictive text crapola
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

veebras said:


> Thanks so much for all your advice. I think you're right in what you're stating! Since I have backed off and went out and have been acting happier he is coming around more and helpful and friendly. Last night when he left after watching the kids he said bye to me and paused at the doorway and looked at me. He never does this usually. And typically each time he's leaving I say something like I love you. Or please come home. And he paused for a sec and was expecting me to say those things but did not! Just said bye. It was a nice feeling. Lol
> I have been dating. He doesn't know this really but probably suspects so. And I will def not be having any sec with any man until divorced. And not with hb until he is back for good and remorseful.
> Thanks again
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good to hear, you sound like you're doing just fine. 

I have to tell it like it is to the newly betrayed and separated and that is, you may end up getting divorced no matter what you do. I tell you this so you won't make the same mistakes I did and waste a couple years chasing someone who was never worth marrying in the first place. Just a precaution and not a means to tell you to quit trying if you really want him back. And in time you may find a better man who treats you much better than your husband who is worth chasing after, so long as he's single too. So keep an open mind and be prepared for both outcomes. 

Also, get the legal stuff done ahead of time...... Jump into divorce right away and have him served if you haven't already. It doesn't alway squash an affair but it will earn you respect for refusing to be a doormat. For the rest of the stuff, just make sure you're not going to get screwed in court and you have a history of good character. So like people can back you up in case he tries to make you look crazy or stupid. I seen it happen and been through it. There are ways to fight their legal case and get them to drop it, but you're no where near ready for this and it's doesn't really apply now. 

For the most part do your best to forgive yourself, get treatment, and take your chill pills if prescribed. You never know when you'll need these until you're freaking out and having a PTSD flashback in the middle of the night. As for the dating, keep it up and just have fun dating without kissing or sex..... Every read a children's story involving a perfect Prince? Well they're all more than surface metaphores for finding the one. In most if not all the prince has been cursed and first must earn her respect for a magic transormation back into a man. Any man that tries to push past your boundaries and get sex from you, including your husband, kick him to the curb or at the very least slam the brakes on seeing him for a while. 

TRUST ME I KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT! You're better off being friends with sexual chemestry who wait out your divorce and counselling to have sex. If he can respect that then he's a keeper. Oh, and divorced men who have gone through the same thing and seriously put some work into themselves, ie betrayed husbands, are going to be perfect for casual dating as friends first. Just so ya know I waited out 18 months until after divorce and I felt better than I would cheating on my half of the marriage. Because at some point you're going to have to explain to the next person why you had sex outside of marriage and there will be a whole trust issue there. Double up on batteries for Mr. Buzz-buzz and enjoy yourself.:rofl:


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

veebras said:


> Found out after 2 mos separated that he's been talking to *coworker* for months at night while I was sleeping, etc.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Coworker.

Why does it always seem to be a co worker.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Lon said:


> "winning back" means you view your cheating husband as a prize. Until you can look at him not as a prize but as a flawed person, who chose a new relationship with some other woman with low enough self esteem to be a MM's AP over his own W and his own family, you will never be able to capture his respect. I guess why would you want to?
> 
> But, if your goal is to break him out of his fog so that you have a chance at having him in a place where R may become a possibility, the first thing you have to do is kill the affair, and it shouldn't be too hard because they are just two people using each other for a pretend gratification, it feels real to them but under the circumstances of deception and backstabbing, their brains are high on each other and they will be highly out of touch with the reality around them. So find as much evidence as you can, using whatever means at your disposal - but don't sacrifice your own dignity, reveal the truth about their choices to everyone whom the affair impacts: the AP's spouse, their families, their workplace(s). Don't be afraid if it means they lose jobs, lose friends etc...
> 
> What matters most is the truth, followed closely by saving your marriage if at all possible. But until you are willing to let him go you will have no power over the situation, so take enough time to decide what you really want before offering the gift of R.



really though l wish it was that easy.
with mine he wasn't married, worked somewhere that couldn't care less and her job was in a totally separate place and again , it was none of their business who she was screwing outside of work.
about all i could do was ring her parents but that backfired too.
they didn't want to interfere so felt all they could do was support their daughter even if she is fkg up.

so all l had was to tell her she's not living under this roof seeing someone else.
all that did was stop her for 6wks until she could afford to move out


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Rough morning as I have to drive by my hbs apt every day and I always look over to see if his car is there because I'm obsessed I guess. Well his car was not there this morning.. Ugh. Assuming he stayed with OW..? I don't know why that bothers me so much because for all I know she cld be staying at his apt nightly when he doesn't keep the kids. I almost called him ..! Not going to tho.. Pointless n just wld set me back. I can tell I am making some progress bcuz I would have Def called weeks ago. And for what.. To piss him off and push him further and closer to her. Still hurts though. Thanks for listening 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Also my job is suffering because I am so caught up in this emotional pain it's hard to focus as much as I should and used to. I just started this job in April and hb left in Sept. so anyway I doubled my income with this job. They hired me on from a broker I worked for, they were my client and hired me direct. Great job, love it but very detail oriented and demanding. Hard to be on top of it all thru this. So not only am I beating myself up abt my failed marriage and hb leaving for another woman (gut punch to my self esteem) but also now beating myself up abt my work. Ugh. Depressed today now.. I am on Prozac! Lol.. It seems to help some. 
Anyway I wanted to mention that I make more $ than my hb now and I feel like this may have a little something to contribute to why he left because he has always been a really hard worker and prided himself as the breadwinner. I feel like he is jealous and feels inferior or un needed now. And or also that he could leave as I can afford to make it on my own now. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

I want to call him soo badly today. So posting on here instead. Not too much to say.. Just feeling so alone and wish I could get his comfort and reassurance so bad. Want to eat his voice so badly. Bad dreams last night too.. About sex I try I block those thoughts and images out. Help me wow
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Hear not eat his voice lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

Haha, "eat" I thought that was funny. Good job in posting here. Have you visited the social spot yet? That's a really good distraction as well. Its like an addiction isn't it, you need something else to take your mind off of it. Use whatever works!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

familyfirst09 said:


> Haha, "eat" I thought that was funny. Good job in posting here. Have you visited the social spot yet? That's a really good distraction as well. Its like an addiction isn't it, you need something else to take your mind off of it. Use whatever works!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I will check that out! Thanks 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

What's ur opinion on this any and all..? Why does he no longer talk about divorce/dissolution? Even when I ask specifically about it.. Such as a few maybe three wks ago.. I asked him to ease let me know what his plans are on the dissolution. I told him I wanted to know what the wait is for, is it money, time, what? I said I don't want to be hopeful and blindsided and crushed again and would like some closure if this is definite. Any way he won't answer the question and now never mentions it either. Of course this makes me somewhat happy and hopeful but in such a state of limbo.. Ughhh. Any idea as to why.. Do u think its for confusion perhaps is that typical or perhaps laziness or money who knows I guess..?!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

So I totally messed up and when we talked about our morning plans for the kids since he's off and watches them on his days off.. I asked him to come back and he was so mean to me I am in tears and the pain starts all over again.  I am so upset. He is so cold and said he will never be with me or live with me ever again and that he'd rather be single. I said how would u even know as ur not single u have a Gf you left me for. Wtff. I can't believe this as he is so not even remotely the same man I knew he has drastically changed its scary. I'm a mess. I wish I could stop crying and caring. I keep getting my hopes up and ten crashing and burning over and over
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

veebras said:


> I will check that out! Thanks
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



me too !


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

How can someone leave like this... A family at stake an future generations..!? It's horrid. I sent this MSG to him last night:
I see the person I love in front of me but it is just the skin. The man I loved my soul mate, the man who would never leave me, protect me, give me a wonderful life had left that physical shell a long time ago..((((( I'm so sad. And you are checked out. I can't understand why a man wouldn't want to save his marriage and family. As much as I and we do. 
And this today:
Even though you've let me down I forgive you and still love you. An agape love. 
Please read my truths and have faith. Turn this around right in your time.

So I messed up. Back to backing of and 180
As much as possible. 
I've decided at the end I this month if he still hasn't approached anything about dissolution again then I will ask to have a meeting or calm convo with him to discuss exactly which path we are on and to see what the wait is for etc. I need some closure or some hope. 
Things suck. My world seems so bleak.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

Just so you understand - you sending him messages like this makes you come across as pathetic and needy. Like a loser, am emotional drain. In other words, what you're actually doing is driving him further away, regardless of what your intentions are.

You need to stop. Please stop. Don't wait until the end of the month, don't expect anything, assume the worst. Grieve, move on. If you need to, get some of your friends together and have a wake/funeral. Kill this thing and move on. Please.


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

caladan said:


> Just so you understand - you sending him messages like this makes you come across as pathetic and needy. Like a loser, am emotional drain. In other words, what you're actually doing is driving him further away, regardless of what your intentions are.
> 
> You need to stop. Please stop. Don't wait until the end of the month, don't expect anything, assume the worst. Grieve, move on. If you need to, get some of your friends together and have a wake/funeral. Kill this thing and move on. Please.


Thank you. I need to hear that. Tough but true.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

So tonight has been one of the worst yet.. Hb comes over with kids and starts tearing me down mean-spirited I feel like. He's saying in front of my daughter how she's going to need counseling and is not normal for her age. And then twists and tells me that if I won't let him father her he will only father the other daughter (his). Even though my 8 yr old has been raised by him since 6 mos old and only knows him as her father.. I just have been so calm and as loving unconditionally as possible for the last 4 mos to him. Only angry twice toward him.. So tired of him beating me down intentionally so I flipped my lid and ran up and hit him and kicked him and yelled nasty things. A very Dumb ass move things got crazy he threw me down. Etc. 
he then leaves. And I immediately apologized and said it was wrong of me but so in pain and angry I got out of control and wld never again because I won't that was crazy.i dunno man
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

I texted him:In sorry I've said this so many times I have been beating myself up for months over what I did in the past. I also am upset and angry and more so sad and wounded to my core and I acted out I'm desperation tonight I'm sorry I mean it. It was wrong. U have to get that I am hurt and I am.

He responds saying "You are exactly the same as you were. Responsible for nothing. Everything is somebody else's fault."
I responded with:
I didn't say anything like that. I apologized and said I was wrong. 

I am feeling horrible actually. But he's so damn mean and kicks me when I'm down constantly. But it's never ok to hit someone I know that
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

One more thing.. I rarely ever drink anymore and I had a beer while he was here. I had only drank one inch out of it and he starts saying I can tell you've been drinking tonight. Basically saying I'm a drink still. He likes to put me down and have validation a for what he's doing. And I literally drank an inch of the damn beer. He comes over and starts criticizing me drinking and my parenting and my child. Whtffff. Evil man
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

This isn't good, from either of you.

You can't get physical with your ex, now you look like an idiot, and he seems like the level headed one.

It's time for you to simply cut him off. Don't text, don't call, nada. Stay on your own, get your head in a good place. Your emotions are all over the place and I'm afraid it's becoming obvious.

This sort of situation could be played against you in a divorce court rather negatively, by a cynical partner. Enough is enough, surely.


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

caladan said:


> This isn't good, from either of you.
> 
> You can't get physical with your ex, now you look like an idiot, and he seems like the level headed one.
> 
> ...


You have some solid advice here. Thanks again 
I am so weak though its obvious.... Dammit trying to rebuild my self and self esteem still. Getting better. But I made him my world for 8 years. My life revolved around him and his damn work schedule and my kids n work and not much more. Hard pill to swallow and hard to stop hoping wth
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

veebras said:


> So tonight has been one of the worst yet.. Hb comes over with kids and starts tearing me down mean-spirited I feel like. He's saying in front of my daughter how she's going to need counseling and is not normal for her age. And then twists and tells me that if I won't let him father her he will only father the other daughter (his). Even though my 8 yr old has been raised by him since 6 mos old and only knows him as her father.. I just have been so calm and as loving unconditionally as possible for the last 4 mos to him. Only angry twice toward him.. So tired of him beating me down intentionally so I flipped my lid and ran up and hit him and kicked him and yelled nasty things. A very Dumb ass move things got crazy he threw me down. Etc.
> he then leaves. And I immediately apologized and said it was wrong of me but so in pain and angry I got out of control and wld never again because I won't that was crazy.i dunno man
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



ahh , don't beat yourself up over losing it , they deserve it anyway , they'll probably be going anyway , they're treating someone that loves them like worse than dirt - who cares. it's gonna happen
l lost it with mine 1/2 a dozen times - so what l reckon makes no difference anyway , nothing does,who could blame us.

or as Howard Hues -not sure how that's spelt - said to his wife as she was walking out - your leaving me yet expect graciousness , kicked her out and slammed the door on her chicken [email protected] arse ,

it's not good with the kids around i know but what's done is done how strong can you be.
fk him .


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

that's one thing about this 180 stuff l reckon. yeah when it's over it's over but hey , if you do that while they're trying to walk out the door it just lets them of scott free and fk that l reckon.

mine wasn't getting off scott free l gave her hell for what she was doing .


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

veebras said:


> So tonight has been one of the worst yet.. Hb comes over with kids and starts tearing me down mean-spirited I feel like. He's saying in front of my daughter how she's going to need counseling and is not normal for her age. And then twists and tells me that if I won't let him father her he will only father the other daughter (his). Even though my 8 yr old has been raised by him since 6 mos old and only knows him as her father.. I just have been so calm and as loving unconditionally as possible for the last 4 mos to him. Only angry twice toward him.. So tired of him beating me down intentionally so I flipped my lid and ran up and hit him and kicked him and yelled nasty things. A very Dumb ass move things got crazy he threw me down. Etc.
> he then leaves. And I immediately apologized and said it was wrong of me but so in pain and angry I got out of control and wld never again because I won't that was crazy.i dunno man
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So, y'all got physical in the presence of your children?


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

whitehawk said:


> ahh , don't beat yourself up over losing it , they deserve it anyway , they'll probably be going anyway , they're treating someone that loves them like worse than dirt - who cares. it's gonna happen
> l lost it with mine 1/2 a dozen times - so what l reckon makes no difference anyway , nothing does,who could blame us.
> 
> or as Howard Hues -not sure how that's spelt - said to his wife as she was walking out - your leaving me yet expect graciousness , kicked her out and slammed the door on her chicken [email protected] arse ,
> ...


Thank u. I have been feeling pretty awful about this all night and day.. Ugh. I'm feeling so awful becAuse it was in front of my girls. That's so wrong. I have never before just so damn emotional I literally snapped. Never again! Thank you though and so agree about the treating like dirt that's been killing me the most. Awful, it's verbal abuse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

HappyKaty said:


> So, y'all got physical in the presence of your children?


Unfortunately yes and never again I vow. That's the worst part of it all.. Enough is enough!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

I did the same thing (tho not in front of D). H brought his dirty laundry home from POSOW house when he first started up with her. And like a zombie emotionally dummy I washed them. By The next morning, D's first day of school, the anger had really built up in me. I was getting D out of the truck to the bus stop, supposed to be such a joyous say, and I said "you're a son of a *****". He sat in truck. After I got her on the bus and got back in the truck he looked at me and said "what did I do?". I lost it!! I started pounding on him, picking up stuff throwing it at home. Called him every name in the book. It felt good!!!
I did apologize afterwards and its never happened again. And again thankfully my D did not see or hear anything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

familyfirst09 said:


> I did the same thing (tho not in front of D). H brought his dirty laundry home from POSOW house when he first started up with her. And like a zombie emotionally dummy I washed them. By The next morning, D's first day of school, the anger had really built up in me. I was getting D out of the truck to the bus stop, supposed to be such a joyous say, and I said "you're a son of a *****". He sat in truck. After I got her on the bus and got back in the truck he looked at me and said "what did I do?". I lost it!! I started pounding on him, picking up stuff throwing it at home. Called him every name in the book. It felt good!!!
> I did apologize afterwards and its never happened again. And again thankfully my D did not see or hear anything.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know what u mean! And it is very unfortunate but no more ever!! And a couple things he said really set me off I feel like he came here to attack me verbally. As everything was a put down.. One can only take so much... Damn.. He had told me earlier in the day when I had told him even though he has let me down that I can forgive him and low him and his response was "I haven't done anything wrong".. Wow that was a reality check right there he literally believes he hasn't. Wow. Everything is all my fault he blames everything on me and feels validated. It's like dealing with a mentally insane person at this point and its making me mentally closer to insanity as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

You lost it. You realize how toxic this crap is with him? What it's doing to you? YOU decide when enough is enough! You can only control you. So start taking your control back. If you keep reacting this way you will loose a lot more than you think. Get a grip. One inch of beer or not. Be done with that especially when he's around or the kids are. Change your entire atmosphere. You have too! You in counseling??? 
You need the 180 rules BAD!!!!! NOW!! No excuses no explanations nothing. 
Understand I understand 'we' understand the loss of control...the intense anger and emotion...but it only costs ourselves. You let his asinine bs control you...which put you out of control. You need to get a grip...get help and start that 180...if you don't...your a fool because your allowing him to destroy you...
What's it going to be? You have officially hit rock bottom and STOP apologizing to him! STOP TALKING TO HIM FOR CRAPS SAKE!!!!!!!


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Since he left he has put full blame to every issue in our marriage to me. He owns up to zero demise or failures. Zero. I'm starting to think that he has always been emotionally abusive and that I always blamed myself and this has become a pattern and so strong that I didn't even realize it until now. He thinks other people are supposed to make him happy. So did I. I'm growing now but he had to jump into OWs arms to be happy and thinks she's his ticket now. Sad to say but she's probably his next victim. He has done nothing but be extremely cruel and vindictive to me and made me feel responsible for all problems.. I have fully believed him for so long. I'm starting to realize I am not solely responsible and that he was never truly there for me when I needed help. He just put me down. Revaluations
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Stella Moon said:


> You lost it. You realize how toxic this crap is with him? What it's doing to you? YOU decide when enough is enough! You can only control you. So start taking your control back. If you keep reacting this way you will loose a lot more than you think. Get a grip. One inch of beer or not. Be done with that especially when he's around or the kids are. Change your entire atmosphere. You have too! You in counseling???
> You need the 180 rules BAD!!!!! NOW!! No excuses no explanations nothing.
> Understand I understand 'we' understand the loss of control...the intense anger and emotion...but it only costs ourselves. You let his asinine bs control you...which put you out of control. You need to get a grip...get help and start that 180...if you don't...your a fool because your allowing him to destroy you...
> What's it going to be? You have officially hit rock bottom and STOP apologizing to him! STOP TALKING TO HIM FOR CRAPS SAKE!!!!!!!


Thank you Stella! I agree and I've been such a mess he's been controlling me not myself. I've lost myself in him and this pain. I was going to counseling weekly but haven't been in over a month and a half or so. I'm going to make an appt now actually I really need to. Thx again. 
I feel like I'm dying..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

V -

It's okay to be angry.

In fact, used in the right way, that anger can take you to great places.

But...

When you're no longer capable of controlling your anger, you need to check yourself, before you wreck yourself.

Physical violence is a dangerous game, as I'm sure you know.

Your STBXH could very easily turn that around on you, in a custody battle.

I know all about the urges to beat the sh1t out of a cheating husband, but it's imperative that you refrain from acting on said urges - in the presence of children, or not.

Again, I know I'm preaching to the choir, as you seem like a smart woman, but it's clearly time to drop him before he pushes you too far.


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

HappyKaty said:


> V -
> 
> It's okay to be angry.
> 
> ...


Thanks, I agree I need to check myself before I wreck myself. And the custody thing definitely scares me. 
I've been reading a lot online tonight about emotional spousal anise. I see clearly this has been my marriage. It's taken this to make me realize.. The time and separation and his verbal/emotional abuse and blame during this time. It's so obvious suddenly. Which is helpful to leave him the hell alone and get on. Thx again
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Abuse not anise Grrr lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Veebras google ...passive aggressive personality disorder... Read that....
Then add ...in marriage or relationship.... (See your husband anywhere?)

Tell me what you learn... 

Also look up narcissism ... If that's even spelled right.


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Stella Moon said:


> Veebras google ...passive aggressive personality disorder... Read that....
> Then add ...in marriage or relationship.... (See your husband anywhere?)
> 
> Tell me what you learn...
> ...


I have googled passive agressive and that is absolutely him. It sucks. It's so obvious now. It was manipulative. Yet he claimed I was manipulatie he was great at turning everything around. 
Also he wld everything in. Very much a passive agressive man  I still love the man and want him back.. But only if he were to be remorseful and apologetic and honest/open. I wish..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Stella how did you know..?! You're smart. Where you in a similar relationship?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Great... This is bs. Now hb won't answer any texts about picking girls up tomorrow. I had made plans.. Grrr. And he's so damn childish and controlling about everything! Everything has to be on his terms and whether he feels like it or not or feels like being amicable or not. Bs. 
Hasn't said a word or text to me - I asked yesterday at 10am to let me knw what time he's picking them up. Then again tonight at 7:30.. No responses. Just tired of everything being a choie to him. 
****
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

I need to start a new thread or change title of this one! Yes!!! Feels nice for now. He's undeserving
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

veebras said:


> Stella how did you know..?! You're smart. Where you in a similar relationship?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeap. 

my stbxpos is a passive aggressive etc etc...thee hardest type of male to live with on the planet. abusive sob. 

I'm doing all that I can to pick up what pieces i have left of myself and my self esteem etc... he stripped me down to nothing...I've read the book *co dependant no more*...and *don't call that man*...and now i'm reading *the emotionally abused woman.. * I'm also in counseling and in domestic abuse groups...and there's another womens group starting up at the end of the month my couselor is heading...I have learned so much...I knew he was PA in the marriage though...learned it through couseling...once the couselor said it I researched it and low and behold there was a pic of my husband! It was amazing... but my husband wouldnt get help for it...or embrace it...own it own anything...etc... 

I got so co dependant on him I couldn't 'function' mentally physically emotionally unless we were 'fixed'...(getting along..him home...me kissing his ass etc etc) i took the abuse and the neglect. He whittled me down to the core... a shell of a woman...and I allowed it. I 'needed' this man. "had" to have him...

and gosh...in love. so in love with him... I'd watch him from the window when he was outside...and admire his 'shell'...
but his insides could be dark... not always...but enough to destroy me. destroy us. 

and then when he was done...he walked away...


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Stella Moon said:


> Yeap.
> 
> my stbxpos is a passive aggressive etc etc...thee hardest type of male to live with on the planet. abusive sob.
> 
> ...


Wow. I'm still shocked somewhat that you were able to tell my hb is PA too! Thanks for sharing and I wish you all the best After he left me I realized how co dependent I am too. ****ty.. Hard enough being left.
So hb watched the girls yesterday and overnight so that was good. And today when he was leaving he said to the girls "give me a hug and kiss" -they did and then my dumbass was like "I want a hug n kiss too"
And I hugged him. He looked at me kinda crazy lol. I miss the man and still wish and pray he will return soon..!
I just told him this yesterday via text:
All I wanted to say to u is that I can't make u love me and I'm done trying/why would I want that. I'm ready to try and move on. No more drama. Done with it. That's all
And then hugged him and told him I still love him this morning.grrr
I am all over the place.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

I absolutely hate being alone single.... Ducking sucks. Not used to it. Ugh. Not embracing it. I feel so alone and depressed and like I'll meet meet anyone or be able to trust anyone. We all thought my hb was the most honest good guy and look.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Ducking!!! Lmao
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Oh it goes on... I just sent hb this text: (an hr ago and no response as usual)  sucks to be me
I still want to be with you forever and work on us and our family. I am trying to move on. But I still long for you.. Please come home baby. I am not going to be mean or pressure you. Like I said I can't make u love me. But I wish so badly to hold you and be close again and way closer. I love you. Bye, I PROMISE to leave you alone about this going forward. I will. But just know always that I want to work things out for good so much.

I wish so badly to have him change his heart and head home. Man
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

I guess I'm trying to say goodbye in a way.. And the fact that I said promise in all caps means I have to stick to that to prove things. He doesn't trust me. 
It's going to be hard.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

So I am at work and here I am again.. Needed a break!
Hb came over this morning to watch the girlies and texted me from outside "R u Ready?" He wanted to not be near me or see me, not to cross paths.. 
I feel like he is so mean to me in every way that he possibly can be. This shows that to me. 
Anyway, I didnt say anything to him and he's keeping them overnight. This will be the first time I don't see my girls for a full day.. Wow.
I dont know anymore. I know I stillw ant him to come home and work on this family and lost love that I believe can still be there. It is for me. 
But I am letting him go now. I need to be healthy and here for my girls. And I am going to focus on God and helping others thru this desert time. 
Picked up a new book titled "The 5 Love Languages of Children" - I need to focus on them more, and our relationship!

Hope everyone is doing okay today. Hang in there..


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## shikha87 (Jan 15, 2013)

I guess I have been using GoTalk2 ios app, which has counselors online
all time, I have spoken to many of them. It really helped me. I would highly recommend everyone to try it out 
Let me know if anyone wants the detail. You can search on itunes with GoTalk2 and moreover it's a free app


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

You need to listen to Stell Moon, Veebras! 

You may not want to hear it but your husband's actions are very narcissistic, and I'm seeing red flags of someone you can't love into being healthy now or ever. I'm sorry to tell you this but you're going to see him get meaner with you whenever you pull away from him. Narcissists and narcissist dominant personality disordered people like borderlines can't deal with abandonment and will try to pull you back in to keep from dealing with the pain of losing you. This goes for right now and years from now! I'm not kidding he will be back to play with you when his affair is over, but as soon as he has you he will cheat on you again and again. 

Honey, it's time to stop beating yourself up! I ask you, how bad a person could you be if you're willing to lose sleep over what YOU said during an argument he started, and so patient that you will let him come home just so you can talk to him about his day over a family dinner. What woman on earth would do this is she truely believed she was better than her cheating husband? None! Because if you were a bad woman you would have dropped him in a heart beat for the next rescuer type to believe the lie you tell him. Instead you're focusing on a man who didn't even have the balls to pull the plug and give you an honest answer before he ran like hell from his responsibilities in marriage...... gotta give him props for being a parent, but still falling into the arms of a strange woman is a lot more selfish and expensive than working on your marriage. 

I've been working on a new concept for the betrayed spouses here that I think will benefit you now. That is the reason why we feel so heartbroken and emotionally bankrupt after a POS spouse leaves for an affair. You ready for this?...... You placed your husband on a pedestal higher now than when you were first dating because you're simply not willing to let go of the fantasy person he was in the beginning. Listen, nobody is completely real in the first year of the relationship because they're still worried about making a good impression. But after that the mask starts to peel off and I think what you're seeing now, the best of him, has more to do with clinginess and codependency instead of mutual patience and understanding. The whole blame you for everything real or imagined, and not leave you alone after, just screams of a borderline/narcissistic personality disorder. These people will say some nasty things to you one day and then call you crying and scared because you stopped picking up for them. Well, duh! You act like that and you're gonna get screened! 

To give you an example of how my ex wife's emotional reasoning was..... Her reasons for leaving me were "You're mean!", "It's not working", "I need time and space (to look for my next victim)", "you raped me!", "I don't trust you", and "I'm scared of you". All of this while she blamed me for her personality traits ("you're controlling" - when every argument ended with me giving into her, and she used to unpack my bags and hide important things so I couldn't leave without her permission.) And she claimed after two years of a healthy sex life that she never liked it and I made her do it against her will. I never had to put a gun to her head to give her foreplay!:rofl: The weirdest thing was during our *divorce she would NOT leave me alone and followed me everywhere.* When I had enough and tried to walk away from her during an argument she held me by my wrists so tight I had bruises the next day...... Had I done that to her 3oft from the courthouse (where she did it) I would have been arrested and held in jail.

Hope this gives you an insight into what you're going to see. To recap..... You're going to be blamed for everything and if it sounds like he imagining it then he's really talking about himself. He will push you away and then come crying to you for a second chance, but when you give it to him he'll leave you AGAIN! You're going to be left with a lot of toxic shame so get some help and be sure you use the words "Narcissistic", "borderline", "rewrite history", and "believed his own lies" to describe your husband so the therapist and yourself. You need to keep reminding yourself it's not that he doesn't love you, he doesn't love himself... And so he will continue sabotage future relationships when he with someone loving and supportive. THERE ARE MUCH BETTER MEN OUT THERE. In fact I bet if I brought you a new bachelor to your door everynight for an all expenses paid date you will forget about your husband after 2 or 3 months. Problem is a lot of betrayed spouses are too hung up on believing their ex was "the best thing to ever happen" and they themselves are worthless.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

veebras said:


> Since he left he has put full blame to every issue in our marriage to me. He owns up to zero demise or failures. Zero. I'm starting to think that he has always been emotionally abusive and that I always blamed myself and this has become a pattern and so strong that I didn't even realize it until now. He thinks other people are supposed to make him happy. So did I. *I'm growing now* but he had to jump into OWs arms to be happy and thinks she's his ticket now. Sad to say but she's probably his next victim. He has done nothing but be extremely cruel and vindictive to me and made me feel responsible for all problems.. I have fully believed him for so long. I'm starting to realize I am not solely responsible and that he was never truly there for me when I needed help. He just put me down. Revaluations
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Are you? And yet...


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

veebras said:


> Wow. I'm still shocked somewhat that you were able to tell my hb is PA too! Thanks for sharing and I wish you all the best After he left me I realized how co dependent I am too. ****ty.. Hard enough being left.
> So hb watched the girls yesterday and overnight so that was good. And today when he was leaving he said to the girls "give me a hug and kiss" -they did and t*hen my dumbass was like "I want a hug n kiss too"*
> *And I hugged him.* He looked at me kinda crazy lol. I miss the man and still wish and pray he will return soon..!
> I just told him this yesterday via text:
> ...


Your not listening....


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

veebras said:


> Oh it goes on... *I just sent hb this text: (an hr ago and no response as usual)  sucks to be me
> I still want to be with you forever and work on us and our family. I am trying to move on. But I still long for you.. Please come home baby. I am not going to be mean or pressure you. Like I said I can't make u love me. But I wish so badly to hold you and be close again and way closer. I love you. Bye, I PROMISE to leave you alone about this going forward. I will. But just know always that I want to work things out for good so much.*
> 
> I wish so badly to have him change his heart and head home. Man
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Your not listening...


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

veebras said:


> So I am at work and here I am again.. Needed a break!
> Hb came over this morning to watch the girlies and texted me from outside "R u Ready?" *He wanted to not be near me or see me, not to cross paths..
> I feel like he is so mean to me in every way that he possibly can be. This shows that to me. *
> Anyway, I didnt say anything to him and he's keeping them overnight. This will be the first time I don't see my girls for a full day.. Wow.
> ...


and here...you "complain" about being 'dizzy' because you didn't listen about GETTING OFF THE MERRIGOROUND!! 

2x4'd!!


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Stella Moon said:


> and here...you "complain" about being 'dizzy' because you didn't listen about GETTING OFF THE MERRIGOROUND!!
> 
> 2x4'd!!


I know.. Thanks Stella. Just getting there and it's still so hard. But did great today complete NC. And he texted me around 9 to see if girls cld call to say gnite.
One day at a time..!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Nsweet said:


> You need to listen to Stell Moon, Veebras!
> 
> You may not want to hear it but your husband's actions are very narcissistic, and I'm seeing red flags of someone you can't love into being healthy now or ever. I'm sorry to tell you this but you're going to see him get meaner with you whenever you pull away from him. Narcissists and narcissist dominant personality disordered people like borderlines can't deal with abandonment and will try to pull you back in to keep from dealing with the pain of losing you. This goes for right now and years from now! I'm not kidding he will be back to play with you when his affair is over, but as soon as he has you he will cheat on you again and again.
> 
> ...


I truly appreciate all if the time and encouragement from your response!! Thank you. 
Only thing is.. I cheated on him several times years ago.. And feel a whole lot of guilt and remorse for that. I have since it occurred. So I'm not sure if u read that thru my other posts. It's almost like karma and I deserve it at this point and therefore I feel like people make huge mistakes but we are all only human and that he can be forgiven.. But not something I can make him be (remorseful) sad and want to improve and save our family and love. 
But yes I am seeing thru this also and growing And learning it wasn't rift as we were both looking for each other to fulfill one another. And he did emotionally abuse and put me down and was a PA man for sure. But I know not intentionally. Ugh
Thanks again though!! You make a lot of sense. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Btw purchased The Divorce Remedy book tonight  thx for the suggestion!
I swear Barnes and noble is in business because of us Peeps lol. Or at least me. I've been book shopping am reading like crazy!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Veebras...
You made mistakes also years ago...I get that. You feel/felt remorse and moved on and tried to make your marriage work. But that's not an excuse for him to consistently do what he's doing to you. That's not a free pass for your stbxh to mistreat you and cheat/betray you. It's not. 

I have felt punished for my sins in the past as well...like you...but in a different way...hard to explain and too long of one. But I know what you mean. 

The thing is...is 'no'...you don't deserve it. And you shouldn't be putting up with it just because of what you did in the past. You need to forgive yourself for that and realize since that you tried to make your marriage work. Your stbxh is not on the same page and is treating you terribly. What you did 'in the past' is not a ticket for you to sit back and 'take it'. If you keep that mindset you minez well just hand him a stick and nickname yourself piñata. 
In jest he is punishing you...that is enough. You need to stop punishing you also. Forgive yourself and understand it's not a ticket or an excuse to put up with what your putting up with now. 

Ya some said for karma...I got that. I do...but again...a lot has happened in your marriage in between...you gave it a try...and your heart was in it...you had remorse and took responsibility...it was all that you could do under your circumstances...

But this is now... and your not his piñata.


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Stella Moon said:


> Veebras...
> You made mistakes also years ago...I get that. You feel/felt remorse and moved on and tried to make your marriage work. But that's not an excuse for him to consistently do what he's doing to you. That's not a free pass for your stbxh to mistreat you and cheat/betray you. It's not.
> 
> I have felt punished for my sins in the past as well...like you...but in a different way...hard to explain and too long of one. But I know what you mean.
> ...


Thank you Stella! And your piñata reference made me laugh out loud  true. I am working on forgiving myself. I so have a lot of guilt. But that's the difference here as he has none and has no remorse. That's a big difference. 
You have been very helpful in my healing and I truly appreciate your advice!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

You are worthy of validation...he's not giving you that. 

Give it to yourself!


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

And ya...my guy had zero remorse for his abuse...I had given him the stick...
Now...I got the stick..


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

I gotta ask, do you honestly believe you deserve this punishment you're giving yourself? I mean really..... Do you deserve to be punished for the rest of your life for an affair you've nearly killed yourself over? Of course your husband would be pissed, but that's nothing that can't be worked through with a little therapy and maybe 6-8 months of slowly rebuilding trust and learning to take care of each other needs. That doesn't entitle you to be punished or asaulted no matter what. 

"To fulfill a need in eachother"? As in you were looking to take care of someone who needed you and be taken care of by a man who needed your love. Sweetheart, that's a codependent relationship red flag for sure. When you are a natural care-taker rescuer type, which isn't a bad thing, you naturally attract partners who are always in need of your help. These types put you on a big pedestal and make you feel so special at first but the relationship soon becomes all about taking care of their many problems. And the moment you start needing them for once they devalue you and start looking for a new victim who's willing to give endlessly. I think that's what you're experiencing here with him.

The affair you had years ago should have been a sign your needs for affection we're not being taken care of. I'm not saying that was the right way to go about it, but I'm willing to bet you expressed your needs to him first, throughout, and now after are still being made to feel worthless for needing him. And I can't blame you either because before my marriage went to hell I got as far as to register for ****** ******* but that was it. I just remembered this last night as an A-ha! monent.... I wasn't allowed to have female friends and remember I just missed being around people who cared about my problems instead of putting me down and then asking me "what's wrong".

I have some websites I want you to checkout.
BORDERLINE MALES I'VE KNOWN, AND ALMOST LOVED; Surviving the Crash after your Crush.
COULD MY BPD LOVER BE RIGHT ABOUT ME?? The Borderline and You

Also I read Divorce Remedy cover to cover 2-3 times. It's a great book but it's better to use the information from there along with HomerMcdonald's "Stop Your Divorce Or Lover's Rejection!". I can send you a pdf copy if you want. Spoiler alert! These divorce books are written by men and women who have never been through a painful life shattering divorce. And they are missing an important chapter..... "Help my ex is crazy and making my life a living hell!" -That's what Tom Cruise's ex wives will title their book when it's eventually written.:rofl:

Pulling away(which you are doing) and Acting happy are the two greatest things you can do right now besides therapy. I could tell you day and night to stop beating yourself up, but it's not going to work if you don't understand why you've been beating yourself up since childhood and how your stbxH has opened those wounds. It's not your fault, this guilt has been there all along and he's capitalizing on it to make his escpae from responcibilities in this marriage. You didn't make him cheat just like he didn't make you cheat! What you can make yourself do is get help and learn from this experience the tools necessary to resolve your issues with abadonment, self-esteem, depression etc. and not let others bring you down. I was severely depressed after going through the same thing but I learned by talking to others, especially the older married women 60+, I'm a wonderful person and my ex wife was not worth stressing over. I see those same qualities in you despite what you think of yourself. You're going to make some non-needy guy a wonderful non-needy wife who is willing stick it out and work on personal growth.


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Nsweet: wow! Thank you for the links and all of your input! I didn't complete reading the first link yet. The second one about "could my BPD lover be right about me" was very insightful and helpful. Shortly after my hb left I actually thought I may be BPD and narcissistic some because my hb kept telling me how horrible I am, and how I have no empathy, and he told me and others that he thought I was a sociopath too! He made me feel like complete scum of the earth and sick. I believed everything he told me like he is God and blamed myself for everything as he did.. I literally contemplated suicide several times I was so low, and he kept me there and felt validated in what he's doing. I was pumping him up, eating his words right up.
I'm not perfect and definitely have some baggage from childhood abuse and rape and haven't always been the best wife clearly but not scum of the earth or insane. Not deserving to be driven to the ground verbally and emotionally and blamed for all issues.
He and I both have codepency issues and we were so codependent and sometimes I was also counterdependent too. Toxicity...! No g

ood.
You and others on this site have been soooo helpful in my healing and learning, you really have. Thank you again.
Also, please send me the PDF you mentioned if you can, that would be great


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

veebras...did I ask you to google something for me also yet? 

google passive aggressive personality disorder...then add 'in a marraige'... 

sometimes it fits...see it any of it does for you...see if you see your husband in any of this...


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

A rememberance of a few things he said after leaving-blaming me: 
"You built this house and now you're going to live in it."

"How did you not notice I wasn't happy?! I quit saying I loved you six months ago and you never even noticed." (So not true)

He said he couldn't tell me anything because I wouldn't let him. That I would always fight with him or put him down if he expressed any emotions. This is also not true. As the only time he ever exoressed any emotions it was in anger, if he ever mentioned he was unhappy it would be in the middle of an argument, and defenses up. Never a rationale, calm, open, caring conversation about our relationship or any issues.. and he blames the reason for that on me too. What else is new..! Wow this is actually becoming more and more clear each day that passes. Time does help heal, I never ever thought I would be able to agree or post that. 
Anyway good night peeps, take care and thanks again so much!


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Stella Moon said:


> veebras...did I ask you to google something for me also yet?
> 
> google passive aggressive personality disorder...then add 'in a marraige'...
> 
> sometimes it fits...see it any of it does for you...see if you see your husband in any of this...


I did google those as you said and yes he fits to a T.. its scary. I feel weird in myself that I have been OK with this and blind to this and accepting. It makes me feel a lil odd or easily manipulated some.. 
He always held everything in and then crazy outbursts. Building resentment and internal hatred.
He blames me for everything wring in his life and always has.
He did intentionally forget **** I would ask him to pick up at the store or do. Lol
Very PA


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

veebras said:


> I did google those as you said and yes he fits to a T.. its scary. I feel weird in myself that I have been OK with this and blind to this and accepting. It makes me feel a lil odd or easily manipulated some..
> He always held everything in and then crazy outbursts. Building resentment and internal hatred.
> He blames me for everything wring in his life and always has.
> He did intentionally forget **** I would ask him to pick up at the store or do. Lol
> Very PA


yaya...

caaan so relate...my stbxh...never finished his projects either...and yet had to start new ones...
that and he was a mean mthrfker with his tongue and actions...and zero remorse...runner...

it was all my fault don't yanno...


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Runner! Definitely. Hb always left in an argument he stonewalled and ran. Keeps running.. ewww


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

yeap...'runner' was my azzwipes middle name...

he learned it from his dad...his dad would rip on his wife...belittle her..yanno put her down...then walk out of the room or out of the house into the 'man cave' (outside building built just for that too)

my stbxh...would just 'leave me' anytime he wanted and run to his parents...stbxh is an only child...and his parents enabled his behavior...that way his parents wouldn't have to deal with each other...they'd have my husband around for company...yanno...and that's what they have now. My husband. ... 

I couldn't and cannot compete with that...i begged and begged and asked for them not to take him in all those times...to ask them to just not let him in... make him man up and 'go home'...but never...not once... 
him mom tried on occasion...his mom acknowledged a couple times it was all messed up and wrong...but it didn't matter...it was his dad...his dad runs the show in THAT house...she was the rug sweeper...his dad ran the show...and taught my husband to treat me like crap and walk away...and the woman is to shut up and tolerate it...rug sweep...like his mom does... 
period.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

That was exactly how I felt when my ex wife left me. I went through anger management weeks before, because being forced to shut down around her pissed me off and I couldn't even raise my voice in excitement at the tv without her coming out of the other room in tears. 

She was a classic borderline waif btw....... She always manipulated me by crying to get her way, and when that didn't work she capitalized on any secret shame I had long ago confided in her. Then after she left I was left questioning myself and thought I was the bad guy who drove her to cheat, like she said she was a "good girl" before she met me. BULL F*CKING SH!T! 

I didn't realize just how messed up she was until we were divorcing and the real her came out. When I tried to walk away from her during our arguments she would hold me back, and other times she actually slapped me. I REMEMBER NOW!!!!! I felt horrible for the one time I had enough and slapped her back after she had been slapping me to win every argument. I never hit hard, but the emotional damage of going against my own morals, and how I was raised to treat women like extra delicate flowers..... I had enough off being hit. That was still the wrong way to go about it and I do feel ashamed, but I did everything possible to make up for it and ended up making it up to her mom who forgave me when my wife couldn't. 

Actually my wife forgave me all the time like I did with her faults, but that was only until she could use the next inflated real or imagined flaw in me to make her argument and always feel right. Like it was my fault she pulled the rip cord when I asked her to start pulling her weight in marriage because after leaving the Navy I needed 2 full months to decompress and adjust to outside life. Everything moves faster on the outside and it really freaked me out. I remember she told me things like how my dad said "treat her right", she never got the point that my dad is a emotional drain on every relationship and uses people.

You want to know when I realized "it's not you, it's her"? When I was about to commit suicide after a new medication for depression set me off the deep end and I reached out to her to just hear "It wasn't all your fault". She actually encouraged me to kill myself and told me how everything was all my fault and how she remained a good innocent perfect little girl. I basically told her to "f*ck herself" right then and there, but in a nice way with 2-3 full text messages about how I regretted wasting nearly two years reading MC books to reconcile, and how she was just damaged goods. Then I re-broke up with her. The last red flag came when she blew up my phone to tell me she was leaving me and not the other way around and then she actually gave me the line from Fight Club "You're the worst thing to ever happen to me". 4 hours later after watching tv and forgetting about it I was like "Wait! Did she just quote that line from the movie I watch once a week?". 

Sorry I didn't mean to make this about me, just to give you a real life example. To sum it up.... I went through the same thing just as I know others after a relationship with a special kind of crazy person are so entangled in their exes warped ID that they need therapy to seperate themselves from who they were told they are. If you feel like you're crazy..... honey, more often than not you're just fine. It's the other people in your life making you feel crazy. If you need proof just think back to how you were when you were happy and single to how you are now. You're basically the same person only now you're shedding HIS SKIN.


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

The Passive-Aggressive Spouse | Marriage Missions International
This link is about passive agressive spouses. Everything's screams my hb. Everything. Wow.

Nsweet: I like to hear abt yours and others situations. It helps me to see where ur coming from and also learn some things, get to hear your side.
My hb has not done any of the craziness such as pulling me back in or contacting me really. Just cold and a stranger to me and very verbal/emotionally abusive. He has days he will be nice and then days he is the Devil.. It's very stormy and confusing.
I guess it seems the more I back off and no contact the nicer he gets. I've been doing very well at this lately. I'm feeling better bcuz of it too.

How can I be the crazy ass one when he's the one putting ALL blame on me!? That's a crazy person right there. One who takes no blame or faults. One who thinks they are righteous and perfect. 
One who thinks I ruined their life ~ that's a crazy person! Someone who doesn't work on issues and uses bandaids to cover up.. That's an unhealthy person. Here I am learning and growing and working hard and whole heartedly to improve myself as a wife, mom, and woman. I am not the crazy one here! Lol
I do have some things to work on that's how I know I'm sane! 
Thanks guys n gals
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Stella Moon said:


> yeap...'runner' was my azzwipes middle name...
> 
> he learned it from his dad...his dad would rip on his wife...belittle her..yanno put her down...then walk out of the room or out of the house into the 'man cave' (outside building built just for that too)
> 
> ...


Very similar sitch here. Hb would stay with a friend tho. And ten towards the end of our relationship any time we fought he would freakin post something on FB such as "anyone have a place I can stay tonight?" Wtf - for attention.! Or to show his now OW?! I dunno. Bs though. 
Says I would chase him thru the house and wouldn't let anything be so he had to leave. Not necessarily true. I just wanted to try and resolve things and to be closer/have an agreement/compromise----improve our relationship!! So wrong of me!? 
Also, he always twice every argument into my problem, always. He always made me end up believing him too. He was very manipulative in that way. Wow
It's like I knew it but I still would believe him. 
Also hbs dad is a runner as well. The man actually ran as at as Thailand where he's been living for years! Not much of a father! And a completely selfish runner.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

One more rant here... On my lunch, lol... I texted him yesterday this: 
"We need to come up with a consistent plan. I would suggest that the girls stay overnight with you on the days that you watch them. Call me to discuss or text me back. Thx"
He never responded until 5 hrs later and said "We'll talk tomorrow"
Then I just texted him today on my lunch and said: 
"Would you like to talk about my suggestion yesterday? Call me? Or later"
His response: 
"Call later"

ughhh.... Just annoying that he never will own up or talk to me if I ask anything..its all on his terms only.. And Im tired of everything being on his terms and whether he feels like it or not.. etc. That's why I am suggesting he keep the kiddos too. I will miss them but it would also be nice to have some time alone and not have to get them to bed or up at the crack of dawn for work everyday..

We'll see how this goes later.

Thx hope you are having a good day


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

OMG that's funny I completely forgot about how my exW would start an argument and then fun to FB looking for supporters. The only people who sided with her where other rescuer types who believed she was picture perfect. 

You see now? You see the "come rescue me" attitude your husband displayed whenever he was held accountable? Like a drowning man who only swims just enough to survive but can't let anyone rescue him without pulling them under..... Then the minute you give up he's doing back strokes and synchronized swimming.


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Nsweet said:


> OMG that's funny I completely forgot about how my exW would start an argument and then fun to FB looking for supporters. The only people who sided with her where other rescuer types who believed she was picture perfect.
> 
> You see now? You see the "come rescue me" attitude your husband displayed whenever he was held accountable? Like a drowning man who only swims just enough to survive but can't let anyone rescue him without pulling them under..... Then the minute you give up he's doing back strokes and synchronized swimming.


Lmao! Nice analogy there  
Childish **** he displays and does. !!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

I always won my husband back, and have no doubt I could do it again. I like you, used to believe that to keep my marriage and family intact was of the utmost importance and my love for my H would cure all. I accepted a repentant H back in early years and a un-repentant H back in later years. It’s not worth it! Let me stress it again..... It’s not worth it!!! How many years do you want to give to a man that does not have the same values and feelings towards you that you do for him? For one thing he has no respect for you... and the more you keep asking, “do you miss me, do you think about coming home, the more he knows he has that option open to him and he doesn’t deserve it. If you take him back you’re accepting a dysfunctional, un-respectful, uncommitted man and you will always doubt him. If you really want him back and you want a chance to make it work, make him work for it….make him prove himself to you and your children.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Veebras.

You gave him the option of "later" so he took it.

That will happen every time you do it.


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

True, true....
However, I was never really given a choice! He decided.. Already. Without me. 
?! 
But yes, I see what you mean as well..!

I am getting healthier though and setting some boundaries. Feeling some liveliness within me for once again. Even more so than in years!
We spoke briefly just a moment ago and he agreed that we need consistency and has agreed to keep the children on his off days overnight as I suggested. This way I am not always wondering/having to ask him, or contact him. Its known! And it's no longer just an option as whether he feels like it or not.


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

doureallycare2 said:


> I always won my husband back, and have no doubt I could do it again. I like you, used to believe that to keep my marriage and family intact was of the utmost importance and my love for my H would cure all. I accepted a repentant H back in early years and a un-repentant H back in later years. It’s not worth it! Let me stress it again..... It’s not worth it!!! How many years do you want to give to a man that does not have the same values and feelings towards you that you do for him? For one thing he has no respect for you... and the more you keep asking, “do you miss me, do you think about coming home, the more he knows he has that option open to him and he doesn’t deserve it. If you take him back you’re accepting a dysfunctional, un-respectful, uncommitted man and you will always doubt him. If you really want him back and you want a chance to make it work, make him work for it….make him prove himself to you and your children.


Thank you! I am happy to report (I know it has only been 4 days) but that I have not uttered a word about missing him, wanting him, or asked him to come home..or spoke the love you's!!
I am no longer partaking in that shiiit. I am worth more than that, I realize that today at least!
And I totally agree with the make him work for it/prove himself to me. That's all there is to it. I am not trying anymore, I am backing off and doing me. I am going to be okay!!
I'm sure I will have my low points/ups and downs, but I also can finally feel time is healing me. And his actions are showing me the true him/possibly forever not for me?!
We'll see, it's not up to me anymore. LETTING HIM GO
Thanks again


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

I had two beers and started thinking sad again. Grrr depressant!!
I function so much healthier sober... Duh!
Too easy to look to others for comfort when drinking. Dumb
Numb. Moving along...!
Okay though! Thx for listening
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Yes!!! 
Perfect 
YouTube
Katy Perry "Part of Me"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Army Of Me - Christina Aguilera (Lyric Video) - YouTube


I've shared this before...it just 'does it' for me. Bought the cd...I crank it in my vehicle...


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Watch the vid Veebras..._it's indeed for you..._


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Stella Moon said:


> Army Of Me - Christina Aguilera (Lyric Video) - YouTube
> 
> 
> I've shared this before...it just 'does it' for me. Bought the cd...I crank it in my vehicle...


<3 yep! Thx for sharing never heard that one Stella!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

Great Song Stella Moon 
Isn't there a thread for songs?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

So I go to the same lil local coffee shop my hb does. And they know us both and now he brings OW there all the time.. It's a little embarrassing. Or mean. But anyway this morning I finally said something to the barista guy for the first time. I asked if hb still comes in daily in the mornings and gets the same drink. He says yes. So I said I will purchase his drunk for him this morning. I said I knw he comes in here with another girl but that I still love the guy. Anyway I told him not to tell him that part, just that someone bought his drink. He agreed. Lol
Why did I do that...?! I wanted to! Oh well.. It's done. I feel good abt it though. I knw hb has already been and he hasn't thanked me but whatever. I'm waiting for you to tell me that was dumb but that's ok. I'm ok with it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

How would you feel if he gave the coffee to the ow as a point to make her? You get no thank you and you bought the ow a coffee.... my point being, even though you paid for a coffee to accomplish whatever...... you don’t know what happened. You’re trying to control his feelings or out come and it’s not going to work. If you want to waste your $ go ahead. I won’t tell you its dumb, we all do things based on our emotions when we’re going through such difficult times.


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

doureallycare2 said:


> How would you feel if he gave the coffee to the ow as a point to make her? You get no thank you and you bought the ow a coffee.... my point being, even though you paid for a coffee to accomplish whatever...... you don’t know what happened. You’re trying to control his feelings or out come and it’s not going to work. If you want to waste your $ go ahead. I won’t tell you its dumb, we all do things based on our emotions when we’re going through such difficult times.


Right... I do feel a little dumb abt it now.. A little. Oh well. He did say thank you finally. Lol
I am going on a date tonight to a comedy club with a man from Match.com.. Lol he's Hott  and seems nice.. We'll see...
I'm still in love with hb which sucks but trying to get out and get on.. For now since I am being made to!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

So my date tonight was so awesome! Nice change of pace! Plans to have Thai dinner next Wed! I'm happy as I can be about that. 
I drive by hbs apt (always have to) to get home and his ride was there. Makes me feel better but who knows who's in there or where he had been of anywhere.. And why do I care?!!!
Anyway was a nice eve at comedy club and lil bar next door. Very nice man  so far lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

Good for you 
Don't forget the 180s with him too, no man like needy 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

familyfirst09 said:


> Good for you
> Don't forget the 180s with him too, no man like needy
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yep! I agree. And he has already contacted me. Funny..
I still woke up and thought about hb first thing this morning.. I hate that. I was thinking "I wonder if he' wakes thinking if me?" Yeah who knows..! Probably not and if so not nicely. 
Thanks
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

That's great 
I still fall asleep and wake up thinking about my H. I'm told it will pass over time. Its important to shift focus, its hard, but important. I try to force myself to immediately start thinking about what I have to do that day.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

veebras said:


> So I go to the same lil local coffee shop my hb does. And they know us both and now he brings OW there all the time.. It's a little embarrassing. Or mean. But anyway this morning I finally said something to the barista guy for the first time. I asked if hb still comes in daily in the mornings and gets the same drink. He says yes. So I said I will purchase his drunk for him this morning. I said I knw he comes in here with another girl but that I still love the guy. Anyway I told him not to tell him that part, just that someone bought his drink. He agreed. Lol
> Why did I do that...?! I wanted to! Oh well.. It's done. I feel good abt it though. I knw hb has already been and he hasn't thanked me but whatever. I'm waiting for you to tell me that was dumb but that's ok. I'm ok with it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That was dumb.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

thrilled you went on a date!


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Stella Moon said:


> That was dumb.


Lol yes it was. I learn best from mistakes...!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Stella Moon said:


> thrilled you went on a date!


Thanks! Meeting again soon.. Nice )
But no rushing or expectations just some friendly fun and adult conversation!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Just wanted to publicly congratulate myself that I have not said I love you or asked hb to come home since I sent the text promising I would not and my goodbye. Ok! It's only been 6 days but that's the best I've done and not gonna stop! Yesss
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Started reading the Divorce Remedy tonight. Thanks guys
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jeffery (Oct 8, 2012)

It is hard read this. Has anyone went back and read her thread from about a year ago? She cheated on her husband. he told her what he needed to R. The OP stayed Friends with some who enabled her affair and chose that friendship over her husband. 

Many posters gave her good advice and she chose to not do any of it.Her marriage was over then.

Now a year latter she wants to claim the victim. 

Veebras WTF are you doing dating when you are trying to prove to your husband you have changed. This will only prove to him he is doing the right thing by leaving you this is no way to get him back. Also beware of your need for sex. with a little wine out on a "Date" you will soon be legs up somewhere.

Please read what Rookies wife has done to win her husband back after she had an affair . I feel you need to be hit hard by a 2x4

I have come to respect this site with all the wonderful people who give out great advice but this tread is gut wrenching to even read. Just My opinion anyone else feel this way?


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## Jeffery (Oct 8, 2012)

veebras said:


> I had two beers and started thinking sad again. Grrr depressant!!
> I function so much healthier sober... Duh!
> Too easy to look to others for comfort when drinking. Dumb
> Numb. Moving along...!
> ...


see what i mean


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## marriageinformation.org (Jan 20, 2013)

The first thing I would say is you need to ask yourself a couple questions. 1 can you forgive him completely? 2 Is he worth the effort to fix the relationship? If you can honestly answer yes to both then give it your best shot but make sure he is willing to work on the relationship too. Love is worth the effort. Good luck.


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Jeffery said:


> It is hard read this. Has anyone went back and read her thread from about a year ago? She cheated on her husband. he told her what he needed to R. The OP stayed Friends with some who enabled her affair and chose that friendship over her husband.
> 
> Many posters gave her good advice and she chose to not do any of it.Her marriage was over then.
> 
> ...


If you have read thru these posts this year that is, you will see that I have repeatedly mentioned that I cheated. And I have felt absolutely terrible, guilty, and remorseful because of my mistakes. I have not cheated again and never will ever. I learned my lesson, very hard learn. 
Now the reason I was on this site a year ago was to seek help to restore my marriage, I openly admitted about my affair and was seeking advice to help my marriage and try to help my hb. Obviously I wasn't doing the right thing by staying friends with the girl my hb hates if I truly wanted to help him and our marriage. At that time even though ppl told me on this site, I didn't fully understand the ramifications. No one is perfect. 
This also I have repeated in this thread. How I messed up and have repented and changed for the better and how I know he could also. 
About the dating.. It's in the meantime and nothing serious as I stated. Hb left me for OW too soooo... I dunno
Thanks. 
Don't be so harsh. I'm not claiming victim anyway. And you have no clue how hb has also mistreated me and put me down for years! No one is perfect. And my mistakes are not to be my future or demise. They do not define me thank you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

marriageinformation.org said:


> The first thing I would say is you need to ask yourself a couple questions. 1 can you forgive him completely? 2 Is he worth the effort to fix the relationship? If you can honestly answer yes to both then give it your best shot but make sure he is willing to work on the relationship too. Love is worth the effort. Good luck.


I can honestly answer yes to both! 
He is not willing to work on the relationship at all at this time sadly. I have to let him go for now. But I still love him and wish he would come home and we could build a solid foundation for good. But he has to want to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jeffery (Oct 8, 2012)

About the dating.. It's in the meantime and nothing serious as I stated. Hb left me for OW too soooo... I dunno
Thanks. 

I see that you have NOT changed. when trying to reestablish your marriage Dating is not going to do thing to help it can only hurt. He will never come back if he finds this out. 

The topic of dating while separated has been discussed for a long time. And the facts show those who date others while separated almost never R. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/64615-yes-i-can.html?highlight=rookie

Please take some time to educate your self. do you want R or not

ask your self this question: would your husband have found an OW if you had not cheated on him? if the answer is no then who is to blame?

sorry i come off a little hard on you but you need to have someone give you ADVICE instead of telling you how right you are.

Do you want to show him you love him without saying anything and still sticking to the 180? then dont date and work on you.

You have begun to do some of the right things but you are making another big mistake


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## Jeffery (Oct 8, 2012)

Rookie4 said:


> Bjornfree, The Road is right. If you go to the reconciliation thread you will find numerous WS's who are truly remorseful and working hard to recocile. EI, CSS, and others are good role-models for the WS. He's also right in that my ex wife can get just about any man she wants, but she hasn't even dated or looked at another man. Makes me feel a whole lot better.





Rookie4 said:


> EI, this is precisely what Sweetie is doing for me. I mean , sh*t, we aren't even living together.........yet, and she lets me know where she is and what she does and who she does it with, 24/7. This has been going on since I expressed my interest in R. I never asked for any of it, never demanded an accounting, but she gives me anything I could ever want to know, of her own free will.
> 2 years ago, she showed me what she was capable of. Betrayal, dishonesty, disrespect and cruelty. 2 years later and she again is showing me what she is capable of. Love, kindness, respect, loyalty, desire, and honesty. Al in the same 5'6", 125 lb. package. Is it any wonder that I'm slowly going insane. LMAO!!


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## Jeffery (Oct 8, 2012)

contrite (kənˈtraɪt Pronunciation for contrite ; ˈkɒntraɪt Pronunciation for contrite ) 
Definitions
adjective

full of guilt or regret; remorseful
arising from a sense of shame or guilt ⇒ "contrite promises"
(theology) remorseful for past sin and resolved to avoid future sin

Derived Forms
conˈtritely adverb
conˈtriteness noun
Word Origin
C14: from Latin contrītus worn out, from conterere to bruise, from terere to grind
Synonyms
View thesaurus entry
= sorry, humble, chastened, sorrowful, repentant, remorseful, regretful, penitent, conscience-stricken, 


Your BH stayed with you for a long time ( about a year) before he moved out. You had ample time to show him true remorse. Maybe you did :but going only by your posts here on TAM it would seem you did not show true remorse., and i feel by dating now before you are divorced shows you do not known what true remorse looks like.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Have either one of you even bothered to read "Stop Your Divorce" or any GOOD marriage counseling books or articles online. What's the one thing they tell you over and over and over? It's that you can't convince anyone you've changed. If anything the harder you try the harder you will only reinforce their perception of you being controlling and the the exact same reasons why they left in the first place..... Not because you are, but because they are looking for problems in the first place. 

To put it simply..... Just agree with him and follow through with the divorce like he wants. The more you show you are on board with this, the better he will treat you. You must not turn around and say "hey, I changed my mind I really want you" because if you do he will be PISSED and brobably cut you out of his life for good with no chance or reconciliation EVER.

And another thing! You had an affair and it didn't last. They almost never last long. Now you learned your lesson and he's cheating. You know it won't last between them because of iussues with trust and wondering if he/she will cheat again. Let him have his fun and do nothing about it. Seriously, pull away and have fun living your life again. If dating makes you feel better then have fun, but do realize that if you have sex with your date you may feel worse because you would still be cheating and that guilt is going to follow you around for quite a while. If heard of a way to deal with this though, it's called a vibrator and it can help you take take the need to have sex out of your night so you can make rational decisions again. In all fairness I should warn you that any man that will knowingly have sex with you as a married woman won't want you when you're free because of the feeling of conquoring you being more about an ego trip than "love".

BTW it's time to let go of that toxic shame over cheating on your husband. You said it yourself you had a bad marriage and I think more than a few people have pointed out problems before. You learned your lesson and it's time to forgive yourself. Don't play the victim anymore or look for other reasons to feel bad, let go of your past and allow yourself to enjoy the lessons that made you what you are today. You're not an aweful person, you're a person who made a mistake and delt with those consquences. If anyone here can't understand that it's because they feel better bashing you instead of themselves.


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## Jeffery (Oct 8, 2012)

By telling the OP it is ok to date then you are encouraging her to end things with her BH with no Chance for R. and she will be the cheating wife again. Nsweet i agree with everything you said except " Date if it makes you feel good" That is never a good thing to advise a married person.

OK say after some time your husband decides he does indeed desires to try and R with you. But, later learns that you have been dating during your separation? will he believe you when you say that you have been faithful to him?


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

For the record I think dating during divorce is healthy when paired with firm NO-SEX-OUTSIDE-OF-MARRIAGE boundaries and IC. BUT, and it's a BIG "BUT" dating cannot be used to distract you from your problems or as a means of making your husband jealous so he will take interest in you. If you are going to date before your divorce it should be because you feel ready to start over and put your past behind you. And don't be a jerk about it, let your date know what your going through so you don't end up stringing them along into to some drama filled crap they are better off not getting involved with. As best as my MC therapist Jody from Divorce Busters put it, "Give yourself a year to deal with divorce before you start looking for a girlfriend or replacement wife". Believe me it didn't seem fair at the time but I needed that time to end my depression and anger and relax so I could start over. I'm not quite there yet but I'm closed and I recognize I've made a lot of improvements that will stick for life.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Jeffery said:


> By telling the OP it is ok to date then you are encouraging her to end things with her BH with no Chance for R. and she will be the cheating wife again. Nsweet i agree with everything you said except " Date if it makes you feel good" That is never a good thing to advise a married person.
> 
> OK say after some time your husband decides he does indeed desires to try and R with you. But, later learns that you have been dating during your separation? will he believe you when you say that you have been faithful to him?


I don't know what kind of betrayal and heartaches you've gone through that makes it OK for you shame her for cheating before, but...... here's the thing.

He left her for another woman = *THIS MARRIAGE IS OVER!*

I don't know how else I can put it, he's cheating on her and there is nothing she can do to change his mind or encourage him to come back and work on things if he's still with this other woman. Every MC worth their salt is going to tell you the same thing, to let his affair end and live your life, or more along the lines of "Yeah, yeah I head enough about him.... what are you doing for YOU?". 

Either way this pipe dream of him coming back before divorce is not likely to happen in such a brief time frame. In order for a cheater to come back they have to get used to living without their spouse and hit rock bottom having their better life fail and losing their boyfriend/girlfriend..... and that usually happens 2-4 years after they leave. By that time both people have moved on or else remained good enough friends that they can co parent without ripping eachother a new one every time the show up to pass the kids over. 

I hate to put everything this blunt and bring the betrayed partner to tear if I can help it but I can't blow smoke up anyone's ass an tell them they will get their wish if they only try hard enough, love hard enough, or keep praying for their loved ones to come back. It just doesn't work that way and sometimes you have to cut your losses and realize what you had wasn't the best thing for you and you can replace them with a partner that you can better trust. Sometimes you just need to let them go and work on yourself first.


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

I agree some with both of you- Jeffrey & Nsweet. 
It's so hard to know what to do sometimes because I am now the BS as well. And he actually LEFT me. I never left him for good or wanted a divorce or said the words ILYBINILWY never! 
So. In a hard place here. 
I admit I did not do the right things always and to R after my affair I didn't I was still selfish and I didn't realize it. At that time I did not know God. That was a lot of the problem. And my hb doesn't still. 
Anyway, I agree about the NO SEX unless divorced for several reasons.. I would feel guilty and terrible for years I am sure and also it doesn't look good to anyone. And mirally wrong.
About the dating its getting out and having a friendly adult conversation and the ppl know that I am currently separated/not divorced and also that its not what I chose or want. I have been very honest, also abt the I sex bcuz I don't want to waste anyone's time or lead anyone on, or waste my own time!
I agree Jeffrey abt how I realized the mistake I made and that hb can / will eventually but also like Nsweet said it is going to take quite some time I'm sure and wether divorced or not it doesn't matter. Their relationship is going to have to hit rock bottom or him in order for him to realize unfortunately. 
I am just trying to heal and grow within now and focusing on me and my kids.. Because always focusing on R was literally killing me. I can't live for someone else who doesn't even consider my feelings or me at all. 
I have made it very clear to hb that I want and can forgive him as I've been there and looked outside for hope and "love" (not real love!) anyway I've let him know that R is my utmost desire for us and our family is the most important thing in life to me. I've asked and let him know I wld love to work everything out, offered MC. Hold him I will always welcome him home and basically wait for him. 
It's up to him now I can't coerce it convince him it doesn't work. It does push him farther. I'm at a loss. 
All I can do is make sure to not have sex with anyone and that will keep my conscience clear, I vow not to! 
Thanks to both of you guys!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Jeffery said:


> About the dating.. It's in the meantime and nothing serious as I stated. Hb left me for OW too soooo... I dunno
> Thanks.
> 
> I see that you have NOT changed. when trying to reestablish your marriage Dating is not going to do thing to help it can only hurt. He will never come back if he finds this out.
> ...


Thanks I read through Rookie's entire thread_ I want to read thru the original threads too but haven't had the chance yet.. however one thing to note from what I've gathered thru the reconciliation thread is that Rookie left his cheating wife but not left her cheating he didn't leave for OW..correct me if I'm wrong hough. So very different circumstances here.. and Rookie also seeked help on TAM and cared. My hb has left for OW and has repeatedly been cold and uncaring and done. He has not sought any help or advice and has told me he hasn't done ANYTHING wrong..
I will read thru the originals soon. Thanks for the link.
And yes I do truly want R more than anything, and I agree about the 180 and focusing on me.


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Again I awoke with thoughts of hb.  miss how I used to roll over and hug n kiss n say how I love him in the mornings. 
I don't understand his ways and his life at this time. How this could be what he truly wants, doesn't make sense to me. I'm praying for him. 
It's so strange.... He has become a stranger to me.. It's like the fog I've read of. 
I'm going to try and be productive today! It does get easier with time but not better necessarily. I no longer cry daily, which is nice.. My tears are drying up..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

I know the feeling. But it will be better. Different, but better. Listen to what Jeffery and Stella Moon has told you along with others. The reality is your H may NEVER come back or it could be years and you need to prepare yourself for that. I'm in the same boat. My H is not coming back. Will he try to in the future? Not a clue but I can't put my life on hold to wait. 

However, not putting my life on doesn't mean I'm going to rush out and start dating, nor do I want to. I, like you, have to learn to stand on your own two feet. Stop looking to a man to validate you. Dating sites are mostly just meat markets. And if you truly want to show your H that you have changed and are making you a better you for him, don't date. Find new ways to make male/female friends, like meetup.com.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

yeah there will come a time when you can no longer cry even if you wanted too.


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

familyfirst09 said:


> I know the feeling. But it will be better. Different, but better. Listen to what Jeffery and Stella Moon has told you along with others. The reality is your H may NEVER come back or it could be years and you need to prepare yourself for that. I'm in the same boat. My H is not coming back. Will he try to in the future? Not a clue but I can't put my life on hold to wait.
> 
> However, not putting my life on doesn't mean I'm going to rush out and start dating, nor do I want to. I, like you, have to learn to stand on your own two feet. Stop looking to a man to validate you. Dating sites are mostly just meat markets. And if you truly want to show your H that you have changed and are making you a better you for him, don't date. Find new ways to make male/female friends, like meetup.com.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree.. The dating sites being meat markets lol.. True. Ugh.
I am starting a yoga class this Wed eve and very excited to! I never had the time to do things for me when with hb.. Now when he watches the kids I can do me. And I am hoping to relax, get some energy too, and meet some new ppl, healthily! 
I'm sorry you are in the same spot.. It's so rough. I hope you're feeling better it sounds like you are and being very realistic about the situation as well 
Also I plan on starting up knitting classes again.. I took them for a while a year ago and had a great time with the different women of all ages and stages there! 
Thanks girlie
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

dblkman said:


> yeah there will come a time when you can no longer cry even if you wanted too.


Sad 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

I also agree familyfirst... That its time to stand on my own two feet and not look to a man to validate me. This is very difficult for me sad to say.. As I have always been in a relationship pretty much since 14! It is time... Just lonely some and so different but also what I do need.. Thanks again
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

I'm in the same boat, I've never really been single, and I've never lived alone before. But somehow I'm doing it. I still feel like crap most of the time but my D is happy and it gets easier every day. Making new healthy friends helps. I also feel tremendous guilt over my past mistakes which led to my relationship ending. I'm working with a counsellor to help. Do you see an IC?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

familyfirst09 said:


> I'm in the same boat, I've never really been single, and I've never lived alone before. But somehow I'm doing it. I still feel like crap most of the time but my D is happy and it gets easier every day. Making new healthy friends helps. I also feel tremendous guilt over my past mistakes which led to my relationship ending. I'm working with a counsellor to help. Do you see an IC?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I was going to IC weekly after hb left.. I actually have an appt today at 2! I haven't been in almost 2 mos now but ready to start again. 
Going to try focusing more on me and my kids this round bcuz previously was just talking abt hb leaving me and relationship..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

This site has been a God send to me & very helpful to hear from others!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

IC is extremely important for you and your kids. He's gone, focus on being the better you. He'll be sorry he left.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies. 
Martin Luther King, Jr. 

Read more at Martin Luther King, Jr. Quotes - BrainyQuote
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Why does he never mention divorce anymore..?
Why did he not answer me when I asked him to let me know what the plans are for dissolution? I asked him to let me know when..whether he is waiting for $/income tax time or whether its time constraints.. Etc.. He won't answer me those questions.. This was about a month ago I asked..
Also I. 11/28 I told him I was ready when he is and that I had seen a lawyer, explained the basics. I told him its the last thing I want but if its what he truly needs then I'm ready.

Why....??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

Forget the "why's". You'll never know the answer and you'll drive yourself crazy trying to answer them yourself. My H still wants to file together this year even tho we don't live together and said me and D can stay in the house for another year if we "wanted" to. Why? No effin clue. Think about other things, start to make positive list on how your life will be better without him. Find some distractions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

familyfirst09 said:


> Forget the "why's". You'll never know the answer and you'll drive yourself crazy trying to answer them yourself. My H still wants to file together this year even tho we don't live together and said me and D can stay in the house for another year if we "wanted" to. Why? No effin clue. Think about other things, start to make positive list on how your life will be better without him. Find some distractions.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks.. I know just hard..!! 
What is your situation with everything? How long has your hb been gone? And are you in the process of divorce yet?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

I am starting to realize he never truly loved me for me. He only loved sex with me and how I look. He didnt love me as a person, on the inside, he even told me he always loved who he thought I could be. Wtf that's a dumb way to look at things & to marry someone hoping they'll change for you..?! I mean we all need to grow and evolve and all but to expect someone to change to your liking wow..! And we were together four years before we got married..! I dunno... Just reeks immaturity. 
I feel sorry for him sometimes more and more lately.. Such as how will he ever have a healthy relationship..?!
Oh I dunno... I think he will forever run n blame but that's blaming too I guess. 
Good night all. Be strong! Myself... Included )
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

I'm so glad you're taking better care of yourself now and seeing your IC. It's funny you feeling sorry for your H as I now feel the same. I feel like I'm the stronger one between the two of us, and despite everything, i do care for him and have pity for who hes become. I think back to howhe once wanted to be the best person he could be...I just feel sorry for him now, he used to have such self-respect and integrity and unless he faces his issues he will never become that person he dreamt of becoming. I feel quite unattached to him now and his situation and only wish him the best. I believe him to be quite unhappy in his choices but that is none of my business. Take care you remain detached and focus on yourself and your family.


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Oh shiit just one last rant tonight... Just looked at beotch OW FB why the hell..?! Anyway hb had emailed me his work schedule earlier because I need it to let the daycare/school know the girls schedule and that way I also know what days he is off/watching them.. Anyway I had notices earlier he is off Monday Feb 4th and it stated "request off"... And I thought to myself wonder why?! Odd day to request off n all... Never asked of course. But just noticed on her page that her flipping birthday is February 3. So that gives me my answer right there i am such a damn detective lol..
So now I am just waiting for him to come and tell me a lie of why he can't watch them all night that day.... I know it's coming. Ugh I'm so sick of this situation... And her.
And him wtf.!!
I did it to myself I know but I never look at that page of hers and its like I did to get my answer or something weird..!
So now how do I go about this when he approaches me about not keeping them overnight?? Do I say I know why.. Or be nice and not make him keep them? Or tell him to find a sitter (his mom)?! Or what
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Chopsy said:


> I'm so glad you're taking better care of yourself now and seeing your IC. It's funny you feeling sorry for your H as I now feel the same. I feel like I'm the stronger one between the two of us, and despite everything, i do care for him and have pity for who hes become. I think back to howhe once wanted to be the best person he could be...I just feel sorry for him now, he used to have such self-respect and integrity and unless he faces his issues he will never become that person he dreamt of becoming. I feel quite unattached to him now and his situation and only wish him the best. I believe him to be quite unhappy in his choices but that is none of my business. Take care you remain detached and focus on yourself and your family.


Thanks! You sound strong that is awesome! I revert back sometimes as u cld gather in my most recent rant. It's one step forward and two steps back a lot for me?! And IC is very helpful. Started back today and going back in two weeks. I am getting stronger 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

Don't snoop - 180 rule. You're only setting yourself up to find out things you don't want to know. Is he supposed to have the kids that day? If so, then tell him no. Are you keeping a journal of things happening? It may come in handy for any court case for divorce/custody issues. 

My H started with OW 5 months ago and moved in with her 2 months ago.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

familyfirst09 said:


> Don't snoop - 180 rule. You're only setting yourself up to find out things you don't want to know. Is he supposed to have the kids that day? If so, then tell him no. Are you keeping a journal of things happening? It may come in handy for any court case for divorce/custody issues.
> 
> My H started with OW 5 months ago and moved in with her 2 months ago.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know.. Not going to look anymore I think.. 
I don't keep a journal of things.. Too lazy..!
He is supposed to have the kids that day and he recently agreed to keep them overnight each day he watches them. 
Just hard to see in your face/the reality of it 
It would be harder if he lived with her I feel like.. I'm so sorry. But guess what's the difference in a way.
I drive past his apt every day to n from work and always look over... His car was not there yet again this am.. I'm thinking he stays with OW except days he has kids possibly. Makes me sick. 
I dunno anymore... Some days are really harder than others.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

You should be keeping one or you may ger scre#ed even more. Find a different route to work. You're torturing yourself. And only you can stop that torture. And no its not easier when they live together, trust me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Also noticed he's off feb 13th.. Probably will celebrate v day then ughhh ... Sickening. Sad.
I miss him terribly today and last night I couldn't sleep I was up till 1 am and crying. Haven't cried in a while. 
I'm trying to let go I am. I realize he has to live this life and come to his own conclusions on his own time. Nothing I can go but let go and live for me and kiddos.. Tough going though
Also, he rarely calls anymore to say gnite to the girls. Just cut himself off from us more n more every day
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

familyfirst09 said:


> You should be keeping one or you may ger scre#ed even more. Find a different route to work. You're torturing yourself. And only you can stop that torture. And no its not easier when they live together, trust me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Honestly absolutely no other route to work! And kids daycare is next door to his apt complex.. Ugh
I'm sure it would be harder if they lived together I'm sorry. Nasty people!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

Then you have to force yourself not to look. You're prolonging your own pain. 
Rught now his focus is POSOW not you or the kids. And these are the things you should be writing down.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

familyfirst09 said:


> Then you have to force yourself not to look. You're prolonging your own pain.
> Rught now his focus is POSOW not you or the kids. And these are the things you should be writing down.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you! You seem so strong girl.. I appreciate your advice
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

Oh I'm not strong at all, lol, but I'm getting used to everything. Its been 5 months now. And I've done the begging, pleading, snooping, etc etc, lost 15 pounds, anxiety the whole works. I just can't live like that anymore for me or my D. I love him to death but I don't want to die. I deserve better and so does my kid. I effed up to, just like you did but don't let your past ruin your future. Or your kids. 
What is your IC telling you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

familyfirst09 said:


> Oh I'm not strong at all, lol, but I'm getting used to everything. Its been 5 months now. And I've done the begging, pleading, snooping, etc etc, lost 15 pounds, anxiety the whole works. I just can't live like that anymore for me or my D. I love him to death but I don't want to die. I deserve better and so does my kid. I effed up to, just like you did but don't let your past ruin your future. Or your kids.
> What is your IC telling you?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It has almost been 5 monts for me too :/(
I can't live like I was.. I can't live like this still too... But I can't stop loving him. I don't want to hate him or harden my heart either.
I'm slow but moving on..
Also the RMM daily emails and my bible and other books all tell me to not give up hope. And to stand firm for my marriage/restoration. 
However the part that I haven't for down which uktimately is the just important part probably is that I need to let go and let God. To trust and not worry to have full faith.
Although apparently I do not. I do, but Don't lol.. Such as a plan B... Not necessarily but I am "dating" an also not thinking that I could stand till my death.
Wtfff

My IC basically just listens to me and doesn't say too much I realize from last appt. however we had a lot of catching up to do.. I'm going to go back and try being quiet and let him speak more and see if this is for me ... Maybe I need a new therapist..!? I don't know.
He tells me to not drink. Which is smart. He wants to focus on kids next time. 
He tells me to occupy my time with them and activities for me such as yoga, exercise etc. 
and to not be desperate! Lol
Thx!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

hopefully at some point you can cope with out the crutch of a man or a drink, then you will know your really healing.


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

doureallycare2 said:


> hopefully at some point you can cope with out the crutch of a man or a drink, then you will know your really healing.


You my dear are absolutely correct. Thank you for telling it like it is! I know you are right I am trying.. trying,,, trying to get there...!


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Have to see hb in passing tmrw morning first time since Friday. Only saw him Fri for 30 sec on my way out the door for work, and tmrw will be the same. Then again I will see him Fri morning as he's off again. Sucks to just see him for 30 secs and bye. Ughhh miss him so terribly last night and today again. It's easier but still there. 
I want to say so badly "why is your car gone every morning?" So badly but not going to. Dot think I should AT ALL and definite shouldn't let him know I care so much or notice I presume..
What good would that do. Nada.
Just miss him the old him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Random rant... I can't believe I haven't smoked myself to death throughout this. Wowsa
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

How the **** can someone just cut you out of their life like this. Just quick and cold never even felt the blade.
It's disgusting to me. To just walk away. I'm mad and disgusted tonight. I'm lost I don't get it. I'm also scared and worried about me being responsible alone for my kids and housing etc. ugh
I know we'll be okay but so different. I never wanted to live in an apt or condo ever again. Especially not with kids man!
Sick cold man

And to just have a new flippin life. See ya later. Weird. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

It's obvious you broke you husbands heart with your affair, and with the words you wrote about your affair that he read on d day.

Then he tried to R, but as he found out, being a faithful spouse requires more than getting your WS from stopping having sex with the OM, it also requires the WS to put the same obsessive passion they gave the OM back to the betrayed husband.

Your husband got you to stop having sex with others, but he didn't get you putting that passion into him and the marriage. So he gave it a run, and made a choice to move on. I don't think he should be with the OW like he has before the D is done, but its clear that he is done giving second chances.

Your only real hope to be with him is for him to really see a long term new woman who is willing to put the energy into him again, but for tar you need to wait for a time when he is receptive. Now is not that time.


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> It's obvious you broke you husbands heart with your affair, and with the words you wrote about your affair that he read on d day.
> 
> Then he tried to R, but as he found out, being a faithful spouse requires more than getting your WS from stopping having sex with the OM, it also requires the WS to put the same obsessive passion they gave the OM back to the betrayed husband.
> 
> ...


Thank you Shaggy. You are correct. It sucks that I was not in the right frame of mind for complete lasting R at that time  I didn't even know it.. Blind 
He had to protect himself and he is trying to although not in a good way.. Either way..
Sucks you don't know what you have till its gone sometimes and I took him for granted (
I am backing off 180
As much as possible and giving him his time to sin. We all make mistakes and grow on our own terms and time. I hope and pray he will see and be receptive at some point.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

If I ask him if we cld eat dinner together tonight wld that be a bad stupid move? I mean I am honestly trying to R and all.. 
Bcuz he has the girls today and I don't get to see them at all on his off days that he watches them now, and my oldest wants to see me she said last night.. She misses me. I dunno. Bad idea? 
I can't decide..
Honestly would not beg or even ask him to consider coming back or stating I love him. Just dinner with the kids n then off to yoga class and my time.. Thx
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

I think I know not to.. But then again I need to really know why.. I need some more reasons. Because acting like I don't care to see him is that really the right way?! It's not that I am acting like I don't care really.. He knows I do. I dunno..!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soca70 (Oct 30, 2012)

veebras said:


> Random rant... I can't believe I haven't smoked myself to death throughout this. Wowsa
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I hear ya


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

Let him have his day with the girls.... your trying to get him to have dinner together would just be seen as another emotional, clingy, needy, desperate request. You really do need to do the 180, more than a lot of people I have seen on here and the reason why is how much you want to fight not doing it. Because you are desperate and needy. Instead start making him guess what you’re up too? Why does she seem so happy, why is she always in a good mood. Why doesn’t she ask me questions or is trying to get me to spend time with her anymore? Make him curious but be working on yourself while you’re doing it. My husband has asked me several times what Im up too. He lies to the OW about where he is now when he’s dropping in to see me. It made him curious. I give yes or no answers or I say that really isn’t your concern anymore sorry. I came out of my bathroom the other morning at 7:15 and he was sitting on the couch waiting for me (glad I was dressed from my shower) he just wanted to talk. I said not only was it not a good time as I was getting ready for work but it’s time to set boundaries as to his showing up at the house... talk about mad.... but you know what, he's the one doing the perusing (not me like at other times in our life together) and I bet the OW has no idea. Do I want him back? no... do I think its impossible though...? no. I would never try and guess what could happen years from now. I just know I don’t want his problems back in my life. Maybe if he ever shows up actually a different man I might say come to dinner. Start showing your husband a different woman. You’re probably asking how if I’m not actually seeing him... he'll know by your lack of contact and from others. What you have been doing hasn’t worked right? so be brave try the 108 whole heartedly and see what happens...


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## Lovingwife315 (Dec 10, 2012)

Doureallycare2- That is such good advice, but sometimes so hard to follow.....I pray to be that strong someday soon. As my H and live apart now, he is activly with OW (although it is mainly EA and long distance, they see each other once in a while) He wants me to want him, he pulls me back in all the time by telling me he desires to be with me, just not to be married to me anymore.....\

God Give me stregth


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

Lovingwife, he's playing with you, I’m sorry but he is....If he really wanted you he would be willing to do what ever it took. Where is his respect for you let alone love? My husband moved in w/ OW when I kicked him out, says I gave him no choice... oh so you like the choice better of having a weak, eyes closed wife and you having all the comforts of home and all the OW you want.. Of course he does.. when you start respecting yourself you will reap the benefits.


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

This is really really REALLY great advice. How long has your sitch been going on?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

"Your only real hope to be with him is for him to really see a long term new woman who is willing to put the energy into him again, but for tar you need to wait for a time when he is receptive. Now is not that time"

How does she show her H that? And V, you need to think whether or not you really want to put your life on hold for this man, who earlier you said is verbally and emotionally abusive to you. Is that what you want?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

familyfirst09 said:


> This is really really REALLY great advice. How long has your sitch been going on?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well this time: I found out about OW in July didn’t say anything about knowing to my husband and started seeing lawyers. I retained a Lawyer on August 18th and he was going to file with the clerk. Meanwhile I stilled lived with my H as if I knew nothing waiting to hear from lawyer that everything was now in the system and he wouldn’t be able to touch pension or anything. I still hadn’t heard anything from lawyer by the time my H was going to Business conference at the end of Sept (that he always took me- after years of going I know the others wives and also know several of the vendors who wine and dine him), he said that none of the wives were going this year so it would just be him going but next year he would make it special for me. I knew through the emails I had found in July that OW was meeting him there for a "wonderful weekend together" He took me out to a special dinner the night before he left and out to breakfast the morning he left and he was off... I had put a letter in his suitcase telling him to enjoy himself because when he got home there would be no fun only lawyers as I filed for divorce. He texted me several time on his drive to conference.. slow traffic, ect....... Latter I received an electronic receipt from a store for ladies lace thong and bra that was purchased that morning (he paid with cash but was so used to using his reward card, I guess he didn’t think about it) anyways I don’t think they had a great weekend by the text messages and phone messages I was getting. I guess other woman got mad and left early. Anyways she still let him move in w/her. For me this was the last. I had been through it all before with him several times, too much hurt and no faith in him at all anymore at all.


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

doureallycare2 said:


> Let him have his day with the girls.... your trying to get him to have dinner together would just be seen as another emotional, clingy, needy, desperate request. You really do need to do the 180, more than a lot of people I have seen on here and the reason why is how much you want to fight not doing it. Because you are desperate and needy. Instead start making him guess what you’re up too? Why does she seem so happy, why is she always in a good mood. Why doesn’t she ask me questions or is trying to get me to spend time with her anymore? Make him curious but be working on yourself while you’re doing it. My husband has asked me several times what Im up too. He lies to the OW about where he is now when he’s dropping in to see me. It made him curious. I give yes or no answers or I say that really isn’t your concern anymore sorry. I came out of my bathroom the other morning at 7:15 and he was sitting on the couch waiting for me (glad I was dressed from my shower) he just wanted to talk. I said not only was it not a good time as I was getting ready for work but it’s time to set boundaries as to his showing up at the house... talk about mad.... but you know what, he's the one doing the perusing (not me like at other times in our life together) and I bet the OW has no idea. Do I want him back? no... do I think its impossible though...? no. I would never try and guess what could happen years from now. I just know I don’t want his problems back in my life. Maybe if he ever shows up actually a different man I might say come to dinner. Start showing your husband a different woman. You’re probably asking how if I’m not actually seeing him... he'll know by your lack of contact and from others. What you have been doing hasn’t worked right? so be brave try the 108 whole heartedly and see what happens...[/QUOTE
> Thank you. You are so right about me very desperate and needy this is true. Obviously.
> I feel like I'm dying losing myself some and so alone without him..! Sucks. He was a part of me and my soul.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Also I am trying and doing such better with 180 thanks to all of your support and advice and reminders!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

I didn't ask him or contact him about anything. Thanks for your advice  And I am enjoying my time tonight!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

familyfirst09 said:


> "Your only real hope to be with him is for him to really see a long term new woman who is willing to put the energy into him again, but for tar you need to wait for a time when he is receptive. Now is not that time"
> 
> How does she show her H that? And V, you need to think whether or not you really want to put your life on hold for this man, who earlier you said is verbally and emotionally abusive to you. Is that what you want?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't think he was verbally and emotionally abusive to me to extremity except when he left me he really dug me deep. 
But he was, although I know not intentionally. So I know we both need this time apart and that it was truly necessary unfortunately. At least for me it is.. Since I wasn't maturing and I wasn't being the best person and wife that I could be. I was too codependent and did not work on me. I was complacent. 
But I do know deep inside that he loves or loved me and that I really hurt him. I also know that ppl can change as grow and that I am whole heartedly willing to work on this marriage and family, so long as he is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Yoga was awesome and just what I needed. Zennnn.. Relaxing  and therapeutic. Good night TAM friends.
Hb actually said hello/answered phone when I called to say gnite to girls. And said bye.. Was friendly. Nice change of pace as well. Baby steps
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

veebras said:


> I also know that ppl can change as grow and that I am whole heartedly willing to work on this marriage and family, so long as he is.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you know it, than show it. Change the person you can change...you! Dont give up after a day or a week doing the 180. Keep being strong, sticking with it and taking it one day at a time. Remember what you were doing before did not work, it's time for a change.


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

I read somewhere that it takes 21 days or 3 weeks of doing something repetitive for it to become habit. So that is what you (myself as well) need to strive for. 180 for 3 weeks, that is your goal. Even just start with one at a time - like FIND A DIFFERENT WAY TO WORK!!!
Read what people are saying and LISTEN - what you have been doing HAS NOT BEEN WORKING. Time to change it up.


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

doureallycare2 said:


> If you know it, than show it. Change the person you can change...you! Dont give up after a day or a week doing the 180. Keep being strong, sticking with it and taking it one day at a time. Remember what you were doing before did not work, it's time for a change.


Thank you I need your reminders and encouragement I appreciate it. I feel so alone a lot but knw I am not by this site! Trying hard and succeeding so far..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

familyfirst09 said:


> I read somewhere that it takes 21 days or 3 weeks of doing something repetitive for it to become habit. So that is what you (myself as well) need to strive for. 180 for 3 weeks, that is your goal. Even just start with one at a time - like FIND A DIFFERENT WAY TO WORK!!!
> Read what people are saying and LISTEN - what you have been doing HAS NOT BEEN WORKING. Time to change it up.


This is great advice - I am going to listen to you and try the complete 180 for three weeks! I'm going to print it out and read it as often as necessary/daily. And to have a goal (timeframe) definitely helps. Thank you. Hope you are doing okay.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

V - 

The 180 is incredibly hard to stick with, and even more hard to do it for the right reason.

You have to constantly remind yourself that you're doing it for your OWN healing, and NOT to 'win' back your walk away spouse.

With that being said, the 180 is 100% effective in healing yourself, when implemented and carried out with the right mindset.


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

HappyKaty said:


> V -
> 
> The 180 is incredibly hard to stick with, and even more hard to do it for the right reason.
> 
> ...


But I want him back... But I know girl and thank you just printed the list
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

I have mine up on my bathroom mirror so I see them every time I'm in there and I read them. You have to WANT to heal, WANT to change. He's not coming back with how you are now, needy and desparate. Remember that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

familyfirst09 said:


> I have mine up on my bathroom mirror so I see them every time I'm in there and I read them. You have to WANT to heal, WANT to change. He's not coming back with how you are now, needy and desparate. Remember that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks. I am going to have to read the list a lot. And be mindful and repetitive about it!
I'm realizing that I never had a chance to grow and mature as an individual as much as I should have or should have wanted to. I was a crazy teen and got into drugs and alcohol and then had my first child at 21. Days after my 21st bday. And since then have always worked FT and cared for a child and then got married within 4 years and hb is a chef and works 70 hrs a week so no me time at all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Btw 11 days I have not said I love you or come home. NC except kiddos!! Getting there
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Almost slipped up and said I love you because he talked to me on phone today like normal /used to about his car situation.. Anyway I didn't! ) 
I have second date tonight for dinner at Thai restaurant.. Looking forward to it..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

I miss him I would give everything I own and anything to be with him again. Fck. 
Not to die over though. But I miss him .. The old him.. The one who made me feel loved and good all over. The one I took for granted 

The one who also left me and dirtily. Ugh I'm a mess a mess a mess. Gonna go read that 180 list again
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

Go over to the social spot, take your mind off things. Be proud of yourself!! 11 days is a great achievement. Baby steps...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MDreyGP (Jan 26, 2013)

Hey, I've been following your posts for some time.

The moment your husband finds out that you've been dating other men, he'll flip and any chances of a R will be lost. 
I've sent you a private msg.

Cheers!


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

MDreyGP said:


> Hey, I've been following your posts for some time.
> 
> The moment your husband finds out that you've been dating other men, he'll flip and any chances of a R will be lost.
> I've sent you a private msg.
> ...


Thank you! I'm just not sure he cares but yeah... I get it too..!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

familyfirst09 said:


> Go over to the social spot, take your mind off things. Be proud of yourself!! 11 days is a great achievement. Baby steps...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you! Just laying in bed today...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

So...hb kept girls yesterday & overnight..
He stayed here all day because they were sick and wanted to be at home. 
He was here when I got home from work and left right away, he said "sorry I have to run." That was different.. We had texted prior so I knew he was leaving when I got home so he cld get his tire fixed.
Earlier in the day he had asked me if he cld stay here with them while I wet out if I wasn't going to be out too late. I let him knw that wld be fine but that I wasn't putting a curfew on myself and that I didn't knw what time I'd be home.. He decided to take them to his apt instead.
Okay, just some weird things he did (not necessarily weird but different for him lately):
He texted me that he wanted to stop at grocery store on his way back from getting the tire fixed & asked if girls needed meds or anything. I told him wet dog food wld be great and we have meds. 
So he bought dog food which was nice.
While he was at the store he sent me a text saying "this Kroger is garbage too to bottom".. Then this: "stuck in line behind crazy ppl"
He knw I was in a hurry - waiting for him to return so I cld leave so he texts me hes on the way and again when he got to the street nearby.
He calls me after he left with the girls to tell me he's off next Friday but won't be able to keep the girls because he has a job interview. He told me they contacted him / a recruiter for the restaurant. So I said congratulations that wld be great! Good luck. And no problem.
But called him back a few mins later and said well that shouldn't last all night.. He says he is not sure when over and if he can watch them or not... He'll let me know.. Hmmmmm
Well anyway I am excited hoping he gets the job because then OW wouldn't be working with him. And the place he works at now is cultish and weird/he's built his life around it and it has hurt our marriage. I've told him that it wld be great if he came back /got a new Job/worked less and spent more time with me and the kids. --told him this a month or so ago.. And it appears I may get part of my wish!? 
He was also very nice n seemed like his old self yesterday. Which makes it harder!
I did mess up my 11 day streak today!! Ughhh
I sent him this text:
" I really miss you and wish you would consider working on our marriage for good. I love you"
So starting over... Wish me luck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

The date went well.. Dinner and drinks at a local tavern and lots of dancing! It makes me miss my hb even More though..!? Today has been hard. I miss him so much today. 
Supposed to take tango dance lessons with the guy I met. Like once a week🌇... Sounds fun! Well see
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

MDreyGP said:


> Hey, I've been following your posts for some time.
> 
> The moment your husband finds out that you've been dating other men, he'll flip and any chances of a R will be lost.
> I've sent you a private msg.
> ...


This is a very odd first and only post by a new member here and makes me wonder.. 

I suggest you completely disregard this extremely poor advice and view any messages sent by this person with extreme caution.

If husband finds out you are dating, it is NOT true that any chance of an R will be lost. If anything it might make him jealous and rethink his decision, but don't go out and date for the purpose of making him jealous, that's just lame. 

Go live your life, have fun, maybe even have some casual sex, but be aware that you are not ready for a new relationship, and be honest with potential dating partners about your situation.


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

sharkeey said:


> This is a very odd first and only post by a new member here and makes me wonder..
> 
> I suggest you completely disregard this extremely poor advice and view any messages sent by this person with extreme caution.
> 
> ...


Hmmmm. Thank you!
Yes I have been honest with this guy I even told him last night that I still would like to be with my hb..! I feel I had too
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

You do of course realize that what I'm wondering is whether or not this first time poster who has only posted on your thread, who has been following you around, has personal messaged you, and who is telling you not to go out with anyone else is in fact your husband?


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Btw hb didn't respond to my text. Maybe he's thinking about it.. Just kidding. Ugh
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

sharkeey said:


> You do of course realize that what I'm wondering is whether or not this first time poster who has only posted on your thread, who has been following you around, has personal messaged you, and who is telling you not to go out with anyone else is in fact your husband?


I don't think so at all. Based on the PM and my hb isn't aware of this site or me on here to my knowledge. He wouldn't take the time! And I know that the MSG isn't from him because no misspelled words lol and because it was pretty long and informative. And just no!! But that would be nice/flattering... I wish he cared enough to do that!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Why would someone take such an interest in your thread and only your thread?

Anyway, good luck and please stop sending him those desperation texts. They're not working for you.

Just leave him alone.


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

sharkeey said:


> Why would someone take such an interest in your thread and only your thread?
> 
> Anyway, good luck and please stop sending him those desperation texts. They're not working for you.
> 
> Just leave him alone.


I don't know....weird. 
Thanks again  I'm trying
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

Would you mind sharing what this guy told you?? It does seems very very strange, be careful. 

Have you ever had a guy really like you and you didn't like him? Someone that chased you around like a puppy dog?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

familyfirst09 said:


> Would you mind sharing what this guy told you?? It does seems very very strange, be careful.
> 
> Have you ever had a guy really like you and you didn't like him? Someone that chased you around like a puppy dog?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Lol. Why do you ask that? And yes. 

He basically told me he's a marriage counselor and would like to help me, free, and gave me some hope and suggestions for R. His MSG seems legitimate and helpful. ?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

How did you feel about that guy that was chasing you around??? Because basically you are that puppy dog now or that guy acting all needy and clingy chasing you. Think about it. 

Counselling is never free...be weary. Why would he reach out to you? Was it legitimate advice?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

familyfirst09 said:


> How did you feel about that guy that was chasing you around??? Because basically you are that puppy dog now or that guy acting all needy and clingy chasing you. Think about it.
> 
> Counselling is never free...be weary. Why would he reach out to you? Was it legitimate advice?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah.. I know. Today is so rough!!!! I'm sad again like when it first happened...?! 

Not sure why really! And yes legitimate advice. Nothing crazy or scammy
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Going to read Divorce Remedy now.. I guess I'm so depressed today because another man/dating makes me feel worse..?! Makes me miss HIM more. 
And seeing him last night and hearing his voice yesterday and this morning first thing as I awoke because he was dropping the kids off. 
I miss my hb so much I can't help it. And crying again.. I need a miracle
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

Then don't date. Work on yourself. You're trying to replace your H, it won't work. Once you let him go, then you will be ready to date. Its not fair what you are doing to the people you are dating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MDreyGP (Jan 26, 2013)

sharkeey said:


> This is a very odd first and only post by a new member here and makes me wonder..
> 
> I suggest you completely disregard this extremely poor advice and view any messages sent by this person with extreme caution.
> 
> ...


Dear Sir,

1. You haven't read my post. Veerbas has. You are entitled to your opinion but forming preconceived notions about any advice I may have given without reading my msg, seems rather preposterous and preemptory. 
2. She is free to discard my advice/opinions.
3. No I'm not her husband. if I were, I'd be knocking on her door, asking about her dates.
4. Seeing another man (or casual sex for that matter) rarely helps when your spouse is in a REVENGE AFFAIR.
5. Make her husband JEALOUS? After her first affair? (no offence Veerbas) This is not High School. 
6. I agree with the 'go have fun and live your life part' and have advised her to meet up with female friends/family members etc.
7. CASUAL SEX? AND I'M THE ONE GIVING EXTREMELY POOR ADVICE? (keeping in mind: Her A, Her H's RA, Her wish for a Reconciliation) Sarcastic Much?


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Feeling better today than yesterday.. More productive! I've got to stop drinking..! At least to excess. Ugh
No good.
Spending the day cleaning this house up! And then grocery shopping. My little one got a hot dog out of the fridge around 10:00 last night and apparently left the fridge open all night I found the door wide open at 5am.. Need new food now! Lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

I leave this thread for a week and it turns into total anarky. Ahem, last time I checked this was VEEBRAS' life and no one but VEEBRAS could live it. I think we're all avdising her based on our own morals instead of allowing her to do what she needs to do to move on and heal. 

So, is it OK to date? Veebras, you tried it already and found out..... You've moved on past your previous infidelity to the point where you feel guilty allowing yourself to go out with another man. And that's OK, there's nothing wrong with casual dating and there's nothing wrong with staying home. What can be a problem is if you spend all your time ruminating on how to get back with your husband instead of working on you.

I think you need to therapy to help with what's known as "Toxic shame" left over from probably the affair, but more likely way back from childhood. Everybody has a little, but I assure you this shame will keep you stuck in a viscious cycle after divorce. And it may even cause you to settle for mediocre relationship with men who you think won't leave you..... Though, they may be worse than your husband! 

Deal with yourself first and take some time off before you consider dating again. I cannot stress this enough, there are tons of things you need to learn before your ready to date again like healthy boundaries and the many many red flags that separate the awkward from the CRAZY! 

And just to remind you I read DR and participated heavily in MWD's online groups for months. I was obsessed with reconciling with my abusive wife and nearly let her ruin my life instead of doing the sane thing and pulling the plug early on so I could start working on myself and then worry about reconciliation after a couple years. I do not agree with the reconciliation books only because you find that excitement in how to win them back that could have been used for getting better first. It's like forcefeeding yourself chocolate because you miss your exes cocoa. Instead of making yourself sick every night, maybe you could go without for a while and decide you liked the taste but not enough to deal with the crap their sweetness came along with.

What really helped me, and still helps me every night, is to remember the WTF moments and the out of control fights in our relationship. Like how I was slapped in every argument so she could win and how everything that she did wrong was always my fault. Whenever I miss her I think back to those extreme moments and go "HELL NO I DON'T WANT HER BACK, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?" - I can do better than a reunited relationship where I always have to worry about them cheating on me again and lying every time they get the chance.


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Toxic shame... Read about it online... Yes, fits. And I was mentally and physically abused as a child.. I think this carries over definitely. And because of the affair also. Ugh.
I'm not proud of me. I do feel like this is mostly my fault and I am guilty as hell. Sad about me.
Who I was.. I do feel a sense of some hopefulness though in me for me to become that better person and to learn and grow within. I want to. I am working on me!
I am growing closer to God and that helps me.
Also, Nsweet-- please just tell me what the red flags are between the awkward and te CrAZY!! Lmao.!
Anyway.. I am staying home today from work "sick" because I was up crying and couldn't sleep last night. On top of that my youngest, 3 yrs old, woke twice with night terrors. She has been having those episodes more frequently since hb left 
That's what got me started crying and upset. Then this morning she says "daddy's not here" man... Sucks.
Thanks for your input Nsweet. I enjoy reading your posts
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

I admit I am still obsessed with R. And the books I read prove it..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

So already hb can't keep kids this Friday as he has an interview... Wtf ever an interview does not last for hours or all night. I told him in a text: "I guess you have plans... An interview would not take all evening & night. Okay. This time."
Ughhhh I'm so pissed and sad again now. Because I'm assuming he's taking OW out Friday for her bday which is on Sunday. 
Mthr****er.. And he hasn't seen his kids since last Friday and won't until Friday but chooses to spend the evening with her. What a pos. 
I should've said no. To ask his mom. I think I will.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Ok as soon as I finished posting I sent him these texts: (I'm pissed!)
"How about have your mom keep them so you can see your *****? I know it's her bday weekend and you need to do something, but not on my time."
Ughh feels good to say but I feel like I need to be oh so nice all the time.. Cuz I do truly want him back. But **** this
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Was that dumb? I just don't freakin know what to do anymore. Apparently being nice isn't working either lol. I don't know...?!! I don't want to fight or be mean intentionally either. Just don't want to be a doormat I guess. But how to not be a doormat and also not be an intentional *****.. Well.. I guess by being firm and polite. Well I messed that one up. Ok so going forward I need to be firm on boundaries and with the kiddos schedule and polite about it. Man!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

How old are your kids? What kind of schedule do you have? Are you thinking long term?
If you stick to the 180s you are niether a doormat or a b****. You're impulsive like me I can tell. You have to learn to control that. 
How long has it been for you again?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

familyfirst09 said:


> How old are your kids? What kind of schedule do you have? Are you thinking long term?
> If you stick to the 180s you are niether a doormat or a b****. You're impulsive like me I can tell. You have to learn to control that.
> How long has it been for you again?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hi! My kids are 3 & 8. The schedule changes weekly, the days vary because hb is a chef and works crazy hours. Some weeks he's off on Monday and Thursday, then the next week cld be Tues & sat for example.. So he gets a new work schedule each month. So I know the days he's off a month in advance. And he watches them on his off days. It was a new agreement last week that he would keep them overnight twice a week, on the days he watches them. 
And if he couldn't, he could have his mom, etc. 
So our life still revolves around his work schedule. As always.

Lol! I am very impulsive.. To a fault yes indeed..! Working on that but very hard with emotional ****.

Hb will be gone 5 mos on 2/4.  and he started EA with coworker at least 2 months before he left. (Phone records only went back that far) but they've worked together for two years now. Sickening..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

So after those texts I sent: 
"You only communicate when you feel like it. If things are going your way. If I'm nice to YOU. What about me? And what if I only did the same? So can you cover Friday? You shld."
he responds with:
"What the **** was that."
"Why would I want to talk to you so I can deal w your anger."

Man he always fricken blames me. Whatever.

I said:
"I'm not asking u to talk to me. I'm asking you to let me know about Friday."
He says; 
"I will when I figure out the logistics."

And my final response:
"I just don't appreciate you lying to me. And I also thought we agreed already that you wld keep them on off days and if u couldn't, u would figure it out. Ok thx we'll hear from you Fri.."

He lied and he blames and he's not right. He needs to wake the hell up
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Ok one last rant of texts: 
He responds: "you're such a *****"
I say:
"I'm sorry you see me that way. I just wish you would want to be home and want to see your kids more. And asked if you would handle Friday. I'm jealous and sad. I can tend to be angry thru those feelings at times. It's only natural."
Him:
"I cry every night because I can't see my kids. "

Wtf do I say to that? I'm just gonna leave it for now. Who's fault is that is what I want to say. Or ask him to come back. But nooo
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

Man, we could mirror each other, exact same situation, same time frame too and both POSOW are from their work. You need to stop the texting tho, even I don't do that. You're just hurting yourself. He's not going to respond and you know this so why set yourself up to be hurt?
His guilt will get to him eventually, but you can't control when that will happen. 
I can see it would be hard to set up a schedule under those circumstances but if you know the schedule in advance then set a monthly schedule and then its his responsibility to stick with it. 3 and 8 are very young, and you need to be taking care of them. That should be your number one priority. He's gone, let him go, he's not coming back to the person you are right now nor do you want the man he is right now. 
I know you're hell bent on getting him back, and no one is going to change your mind but he's not coming back to how you are now. You can't fix him, fix yourself. 
How often do you see your therapist? You need to go more often. These are words I tell to myself as well. I'm having a horrible time letting go but I have to protect my child

Here's something my therapist got me to do:
Make a list of what he did wrong in the relationship
Make a list of what you did wrong in the relationship
Make a list of what you need from your primary relationship and then ask yourself, can he meet these needs? I'd say right now, he can't. My H may have been able to or may be able to in the future but he can't right now, nor can I meet his right now and maybe I never will be able to. I don't want to live in limbo anymore, I need to heal and be strong and happy for my child, I can't do that if I keep hanging on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

Don't respond. He's putting a guilt trip on you. My H does it all the time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

familyfirst09 said:


> Man, we could mirror each other, exact same situation, same time frame too and both POSOW are from their work. You need to stop the texting tho, even I don't do that. You're just hurting yourself. He's not going to respond and you know this so why set yourself up to be hurt?
> His guilt will get to him eventually, but you can't control when that will happen.
> I can see it would be hard to set up a schedule under those circumstances but if you know the schedule in advance then set a monthly schedule and then its his responsibility to stick with it. 3 and 8 are very young, and you need to be taking care of them. That should be your number one priority. He's gone, let him go, he's not coming back to the person you are right now nor do you want the man he is right now.
> I know you're hell bent on getting him back, and no one is going to change your mind but he's not coming back to how you are now. You can't fix him, fix yourself.
> ...


I don't go to the therapist enough. I don't know, I keep telling myself I will. I plan on going every two weeks, went last week and will make another appt for next week soon.
The list idea of needs sounds great. I should so that. As a matter if fact I am going to make myself so it tonight. 
I really appreciate you talking to me thru this. I'm sorry you are here too, with a very similar situation. You do seem much stronger than I?! I have never been alone though. Maybe you have.

Thx girl
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

familyfirst09 said:


> Don't respond. He's putting a guilt trip on you. My H does it all the time.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I did respond... Duh me..
And interestingly enough I'm surprised he kept engaging in the conversation. He never does this. Well I never really text *****y things either..
Guess that for his attention or something..?

Here is the convo/what do you think..? I mean, is he possibly thinking abt things? I feel like he is but he's too damn prideful and selfish too..

I responded:
"It doesn't have to be that way. It's a choice. I still love you and I've told you, all"
Him:
I will never forgive you for what you did to me. How you treated me was cruel. You lied to me everyday we were together. I'm sorry for you me and our children
Me:
You can't forgive me. Well that says a lot. I can forgive and I can learn from mistakes and grow and we cld together but you don't want to. I didn't lie to u everyday. I do and did love you. You contributed as well. And you cared more about your job and the ppl there. I am sorry I hurt you I've let you know this. It hurts me too.Two wrongs don't make a right. And we're even. I can move past
Him:
How are we even I left you I never cheated on you.
Me:
You were having an emotional affair and this isn't the first time. I have phone records John. And talking to her while I was sleeping in the middle of the night.. For months.And flirting at work everyday.. And we're still married. No u never cheated.
Him:
Your crazy that didn't happen
Me:
I just want you to remember this. Because you seem to think its all my fault. You're the one who is unwilling, you won't forgive, you refuse to work on anything, you walked out on our family, you left us. You are not justified. You did engage in an affair. You've coldly turned your back on your wife when I've needed you the lost and looking back you were never really there to help in my hardest times. I'm very remorseful and I've been suffering. 
How do u think I got her phone #... That never happened..really?
I agree that I wasn't the best wife or there for you either when u needed me. I agree.
Him:
8 years of lies and betrayal. Now you want to work on things damage done.
Me:
That's your choice. And it's been done both ways. And it doesn't have to be this way. I cry for you every night almost. People can change. Enough said. 
Sometimes it takes a breakdown or crisis to reach someone. I'm sorry that was me.
Him:
I'm sorry to.
Me:
Well don't be. I'm grateful in a bitter sweet way. As it is clear this needed to happen as unfortunate as it is. But to me that doesn't mean it couldn't be true and greater than before. If nourished. If cared for. That's what I want. But you, I can't make want that. Sadly. Its all i can say. 

That was it. Sorry soooo long.!
But anyway he actually engaged with me lol. But blames me and feels justified. Definitely a revenge affair I feel like.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

V,

Before I say this, let me just reiterate what I've said before.

I know how bad this hurts and how hard it is to do the right thing.

Now, with that being said, you are reading way too much into his responses.

You told him everything he wanted to hear. You confirmed that you would be right there waiting on him, while he plays house with his mistress.

Emotionally, you want to be where he is, right now - dispassionate.

He didn't even give you a crumb of a bone - just straight forward, derogatory responses.

Stop feeding him, girl. It's never going to work. He hasn't even had an opportunity to miss you.


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

HappyKaty said:


> V,
> 
> Before I say this, let me just reiterate what I've said before.
> 
> ...


Thanks HK. You're right. After reading the post over and seeing how much I wrote and always staying my mistakes and that I still want us. And then his responses are nothing. 
And I read into it way too much. Guess I got excited bcuz he never really engages in any convo with me anymore. Wow I'm looking for crumbs!
I need to get better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

It takes time, sweetie.

I can't stand my ex, and still catch myself analyzing his messages. Sometimes, I'll even put thought into my response, but immediately want to kick myself in the a** for doing so. 

You got this, girl.


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

He's still very angry V. You're not going to reach him and you're driving him further away with all the texts and messages. I did the same thing. And my H even used the same words "damage done". He has shifted all the blame onto you because it helps ease his guilt. POSOW is boosting his ego and youre making yourself look like a "bunny boiler" (new term I heard ha!). As Katy said, give him a chance to miss you. 
I'm not as strong as you think, I've been where you are, heck still am in a way, but I'm fighting for my child now so its making me stronger. I've never been alone in my life, never lived alone but yet somehow I've been doing it for 2 months now, taking care of our home, the bills, our child, all of our responsibilities on my own and things are getting done and my daughter is happy and that is what matters most to me. 
You're co-dependant just like I am. My H has been like my second child for 15 years, I'm so used to taking care of him and his needs I let mine slide and now I don't know what to do with myself. But I know if I keep going down this path of misery my D is going to have a miserable life and I don't want that. Our children take on our emotions and I can't let that happen. 

Get back to the 180s. For yourself and for your kids. 

I'm going to read some of the threads on the "life after divorce" forum. Maybe it will give me some inspiration. Maybe you should try that too. 

Its gonna be a hell of a ride for the next few years no doubt but you have a lot of support. Take advantage of it to help you move on. We can help each other through. 

**hugs**
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

familyfirst09 said:


> He's still very angry V. You're not going to reach him and you're driving him further away with all the texts and messages. I did the same thing. And my H even used the same words "damage done". He has shifted all the blame onto you because it helps ease his guilt. POSOW is boosting his ego and youre making yourself look like a "bunny boiler" (new term I heard ha!). As Katy said, give him a chance to miss you.
> I'm not as strong as you think, I've been where you are, heck still am in a way, but I'm fighting for my child now so its making me stronger. I've never been alone in my life, never lived alone but yet somehow I've been doing it for 2 months now, taking care of our home, the bills, our child, all of our responsibilities on my own and things are getting done and my daughter is happy and that is what matters most to me.
> You're co-dependant just like I am. My H has been like my second child for 15 years, I'm so used to taking care of him and his needs I let mine slide and now I don't know what to do with myself. But I know if I keep going down this path of misery my D is going to have a miserable life and I don't want that. Our children take on our emotions and I can't let that happen.
> 
> ...


Thank you *hugs*!! 
Everything you've hit right on the nail. 
And we are very similar it seems. I am very co dependent I had never even heard of the term until this happened. Lol
Yes, he is very angry.. Very. He is using this to feel guiltless and be ok with what he's doing. It's so obvious and sad.. But it's like he doesn't even see it or realize it. Wow. 
That's crazy to me.
But feels justified to him. And he loves to say he didn't leave for her or ever cheat. He never did anything wrong. Hmmm. Really?!
But yes I need to be stronger and more present for my girls. They need more more now than ever. I have been so consumed and so depressed I haven't been there like I need to be 
And I need to shift the focus from him to them. And myself.
Thanks again 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

How cld I forget to mention the bunny boiler!? Lmao... What! Haha
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

I did send one other text.. I know slap me ten times.!
I need to learn to take others advice and to stop doing what hasn't been working. Hello... 180!
Anyhow i just sent this (I thought it was quite funny..but thought provoking):
Who would you rather hurt.. Her? Or your children and wife? Really think about it. She's a dust mite comparatively 

That's it. That's all. I'm done. Thank you very much.

God help me
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

And now you're trying to guilt him back. That doesn't work either.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

You're right. That's dumb. That's what I did at first and wasn't working then either! I'm seriously done. 
Guilt him back- that would suck if that was the only reason he came back.. But then I tell myself well it cld still work once he's here and I try and he sees changes.. Lol.
And anyway he's not coming back so let me go fantasize some more...?!
Ughh gotta make dinner and rock out with my darlings tonight!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

I've had those thoughts as well, don't feel bad, they will pass. 
Get the book "co-dependant no more"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

Hi Veebras,

I have read some (not all) of your thread. Sorry you find yourself here. I am in a very similiar situation, so i can relate.

Hang in there, think of yourself and keep moving. I have been and continue to do the 180, and its hard, but it seems to get better and easier every day.


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Garry2012 said:


> Hi Veebras,
> 
> I have read some (not all) of your thread. Sorry you find yourself here. I am in a very similiar situation, so i can relate.
> 
> Hang in there, think of yourself and keep moving. I have been and continue to do the 180, and its hard, but it seems to get better and easier every day.


Thank you Garry, I appreciate you reaching out to me. 
I sincerely hope things get better for you and soon as well. 
I will need to check out your thread.
I am usually always on my cell phone on here and it's very limited compared to actually being on the PC version.Full site. 
Thanks again, stay strong


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

veebras said:


> Thank you Garry, I appreciate you reaching out to me.
> I sincerely hope things get better for you and soon as well.
> I will need to check out your thread.
> I am usually always on my cell phone on here and it's very limited compared to actually being on the PC version.Full site.
> Thanks again, stay strong


Yeah, i had a few when i really started losing it. The main one is the "Wife is having a midlife crises...what do i do?". Someone rightfully told me to calm down and stay focused. Very simliar situations, except my STBXW has not identified, nor acknowledged the OM.
This site has helped me alot, as it connects you to folks who know how it feels etc. Friends help, but they havent been there (at least in my situation).


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Garry, have you filed for divorce yet?


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

veebras said:


> Garry, have you filed for divorce yet?


Yeah, she wanted to separate, keep me in limbo while she field tested the new guy. I filed back in November. She didnt protest at all. I had a D day in October, gave her the option of marriage or divorce, she chose divorce, no MC nothing.


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

What are the main 180s you are doing Garry?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

One thing seems for sure, the more i tried the more she walked away....told me i am trying to "guilt her into staying". Now she is just very bitter and angry..not sure why, but it doesnt help.


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

familyfirst09 said:


> What are the main 180s you are doing Garry?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She actually used/is using the 180 to justify why she is leaving me...because i "just dont care".


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

Oh crappy. I think 180s work better on men than women IMO. Where's yours thread?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Garry2012 said:


> She actually used/is using the 180 to justify why she is leaving me...because i "just dont care".


That's what I always worried about with 180.. And my situations a lil different than most BS as I was the betrayer before too. So some 180 is good for me. I need to stop the begging, asking, and apologizing by now though. It's been almost 5 mos and hasn't seemed to help one bit. So.... But yeah, I always worried about what you stated.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

We are what is called a "madhatter" where we have worn both hats of a WS and a BS. So it is hard to 180 when the guilt of being a FWS over takes us. The 180s are for us, not to win them back. We have to learn to forgive ourselves before anyone else can. Its hard I know, esp us co-dependant type. But the 180s are for our emotional stability which our children need and we need. 
Whenever you feel like contacting him, come here and vent instead. Or write letters, emails, etc just don't send them. That will help with the impulse control.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

familyfirst09 said:


> We are what is called a "madhatter" where we have worn both hats of a WS and a BS. So it is hard to 180 when the guilt of being a FWS over takes us. The 180s are for us, not to win them back. We have to learn to forgive ourselves before anyone else can. Its hard I know, esp us co-dependant type. But the 180s are for our emotional stability which our children need and we need.
> Whenever you feel like contacting him, come here and vent instead. Or write letters, emails, etc just don't send them. That will help with the impulse control.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Great advice! And Madhatter.. Wow. Lol
Thank you
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

My children have been acting out a lot lately..I actually feel like I am losing it and losing control as a parent. They are going thru this emotional trauma too, right along beside me, mirroring my movements and I have been lost and weak. 
My youngest, 3, will not let me turn her bedroom light off at night anymore, she freaks out and has to have the light fully on, a night light will not do.. And because of that she wont go to sleep for 3 hrs after Ive put her to bed because she's trying to play and it's too bright! She calls me in every 10 minutes literally asking for covers, a doll, a drink, etc. So she ahasnt been getting ample sleep and thus neither have I!
Then, my oldest,8, has been acting out in the mornings. She refuses to get up and then once finally up she refuses to wear anything clean that she has, and she's making me late to work almost daily at this point. Not Good!

I am meeting with my therapist next Monday and we are going to discuss my oldest daughter in more depth and more focus on the girls/parenting. I need to start there now! Shift the focus from hb and loss to the darlings and love and what I can do better for them.
I am looking forward to my next appt. 
What's crazy is I feel so overwhelmed to change me, and to be a better parent, a better person, a better wife, closer to God, everything ALL AT ONCE! And I am trying to bite off more than I can chew at one time maybe..! It's becoming overwhelming..Maybe due to the fact that I am impatient and results oriented..!
Hoping to get better for the girls and sooner than later. They need me.


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

Get the book "dinosaur divorce", its great for kids going through a divorce. Don't be emotional in front of your kids. My 5 year old D was really bad when this started but I've kept her routine as much as I can, talk with her openly about her feelings and don't get emotional in front of her (anymore). And she's much better now. They need time to adjust too. Are they around POSOW?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

I miss my husband...Just saying. I MISS HIM. I love him. I want him.
I want him to want me and our family for life.
Please dear God bring this man to his knees, to his senses, to forgiveness and growth.


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

They used to be around her often in the beginning, but I dont believe they have been around her in at least a month. 
Possibly the little one, but the oldest would have said something.
I let hb know I didnt think it was right, too soon, and confusing particularly for the oldest.


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Thanks - I will check that book out!


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

veebras said:


> I miss my husband...Just saying. I MISS HIM. I love him. I want him.
> I want him to want me and our family for life.
> Please dear God bring this man to his knees, to his senses, to forgiveness and growth.


Know the feeling. Say the same prayer every night as i move on with my life.


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

I pray that he gets this new job. I think that could be great for him. And possibly a starting of a turning point for us.! Hopeful. 
The place he works now is cultish and he's all wrapped up in that place it has helped to kill our marriage, and needless to say, OW works there. 
I'm praying. It's more money and would be better for him too ultimately.
I'm so alone without him by my side. I'm so not while without my hb. Just the way it is. I feel lost. I feel trapped too?!
I am just venting on here. I can't tell him so gotta get it out somewhere thx
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

Vent away girl, this is the place to come, and not texting him. Good job!!
You gotta learn to stand on your own two feet, be independant. Its gonna be tough but you'll be so proud of yourself that you did. I've been on my own 2 months now, it gets easier. I can't say I don't miss H any less but being on my own is getting easier.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

I know...i have done the same


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

familyfirst09 said:


> Vent away girl, this is the place to come, and not texting him. Good job!!
> You gotta learn to stand on your own two feet, be independant. Its gonna be tough but you'll be so proud of yourself that you did. I've been on my own 2 months now, it gets easier. I can't say I don't miss H any less but being on my own is getting easier.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you!! You are like a savior (spelling?!) to me! I want to feel that way!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Garry2012 said:


> I know...i have done the same


I am still in the process of reading your thread, I'm slow. Sorry that you're going thru all this too. It's horrible. 
But in a weird way glad to be on here, to have found TAM. It's like a lil community club I never wanted to belong to or knew of, but love
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Where is MDgrey...?! I haven't heard back lately
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

veebras said:


> I am still in the process of reading your thread, I'm slow. Sorry that you're going thru all this too. It's horrible.
> But in a weird way glad to be on here, to have found TAM. It's like a lil community club I never wanted to belong to or knew of, but love
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Its long....i vented alot too. I have denied, fought, tried to reason...nothing worked. I blog everyday...lots of people listen to me...here, they understand me.


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

Well I've got a few saviours on here myself. We all need them. How long have you been on your own now? And this is therapy for me. "Do unto others" is a great way to live a mindful life. 

You're earlier thread where you said you're trying to tackle too many things at once, that is so true, I try to do that as well. But let time be your friend. 
Make a list of the things you want to improve in your life and the steps you need to take to get you there. Short term goals long term goals. And remember you're doing it for YOU and your KIDS!!! 
Then its completely up to you to start crossing the items off the list. No one else can do it for you. Start small, aim low. 

Do you have any pets? Like a dog? My dogs are really good company when I'm home by myself after D goes to bed. And I chat with friends and my family and come on TAM, esp over to the Social Spot. Its fun and distracting. 

Funny quote I read "I try to take one day at a time but sometimes a couple attack me all at once". 


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

Nobody IRL understands unless they've been through it and I don't know anyone who's been through what I've been through or going through.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

my parents D...but no ea/pa...just bad M

A few of my male friends are jealous...but i loved my wife.


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

Yep I know people that have gotten a D, or went through a separation but nothing like this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

familyfirst09 said:


> Well I've got a few saviours on here myself. We all need them. How long have you been on your own now? And this is therapy for me.* "Do unto others" is a great way to live a mindful life. *You're earlier thread where you said you're trying to tackle too many things at once, that is so true, I try to do that as well. *But let time be your friend.
> Make a list of the things you want to improve in your life and the steps you need to take to get you there.* Short term goals long term goals. And remember you're doing it for YOU and your KIDS!!!
> Then its completely up to you to start crossing the items off the list. No one else can do it for you. *Start small, aim low. *Do you have any pets? Like a dog? My dogs are really good company when I'm home by myself after D goes to bed. And I chat with friends and my family and come on TAM, esp over to the Social Spot. Its fun and distracting.
> 
> ...


Thanks lady! You have some great input, and I plan on making these lists! I am such a procrastinator when it comes to my personal life/lists/journaling, etc. I need to slow down and get on it!!

I do have pets! A dog, two cats, and a lil hammy. (hamster!)
I am so involved in reading right now, which is good. And my pets are comforting too 
I talk to my lil sis every day, she has been my rock thru this!
Hope your day is good! Off to work...here now, but need to focus! lol


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Red Flags?

Ok I know this response is a little late, but I can tell you the red flags I noticed from my marrige/divorce and how they synced up with the big book of crazy(DSM-IV-TR).

Did you two get into a relationship within a matter of days or weeks of meeting and commit with "I love you!" before getting to know each other?

Did he give you TOO MUCH affection and presents at the start but then stopped after he had you?

Did he tell you sob stories about how the people in his life treated him poorly and then wrap it up by stroking your ego?

Did you fall for him harder and faster than you normally would?

Does he lie about small things, make up stories, or distort what really happened between you two on a daily basis to where he seems to do it without thinking? - This before he cheated or there were problems.

Does he withhold small problems from you and make you feel guilty about not being a mind reader or not instinctively knowing how to fix the problem?

Did he tell you in the beginning anything having to do with how you rescued him from depression or how he used to have problems until he met you?

Does he seem to perk up when you talk about him, but then sort of tune you out or seem like he daydreams when you talk about your life? - At anytime in your marriage.

Does he tell you something sweet after there has been silence between you two? Like when you're upset and don't want to talk does he say things like "You look so pretty" to rope you back in?

If you answered yes to a majority of these questions then congratulations you've married Mr. Crazy! No seriously, if you are having problems dealing with guilt and blame-shifting that he's caused you know isn't true and everyone you know tell you is false, then you really are dealing with a crazy-making spouse and you need to listen to others who tell you to steer clear of him until you're emotionally well off. I cannot stress this enough if you're having problems.... Learn to be the bad woman who says "NO!" and set boundaries to keep him at bay, because he will test you and use you want for reconciliation to feed off of any attention you give him until he's sucked you dry and has moved onto the next victim. 

I'm telling you this for your own good! Pull the plug and heal before you pick up another reconciliation book.


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## FrustratedFL (May 18, 2011)

Veebras - I can relate to the hurt, anger, obsession, emotions and the roller coaster you described. I have been through it all. Still dealing with stbxh infidelity with bar tramp with 4 duis. After 16 years of marriage I tried everything to shake him back to reality. Nothing worked.

I tried guilt, force, anger, niceness, tears and child guilt. Nothing worked. No remorse, no apology still with posow. 

We have been separated for 16 or so months. I filed for divorce and was angry. Had many text messages like you wrote. 

Every time I would call ex to ask about marital debt, properties, terms he would go dark. It was so frustrating. I finally turned the corner and began 180. I turned my energy to my daughter, job, friends and future. Went dark... 

Never text him unless chid related. Short answers only. Ex started noticing and now asks questions and texts random conversations. 

We are beginning the mediation and I am trying to take the high road. It is sad but I have come to realize iould not trust him any longer. He lost everything for some scumbag.. I think he is starting to now comprehend the permanent damage he has inflicted on our family. I will always love the guy I was married to before the affair but I do not miss the narcissist he became. 

Word of advice - watch the drinking. You cn permanently lose your kids if you keep up the irrational behaviour. Happened to a friend of mine. Good luck.. breathe. Stay off he phone and Facebook....


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

Where you at V? Everything ok?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Nsweet said:


> Red Flags?
> 
> Ok I know this response is a little late, but I can tell you the red flags I noticed from my marrige/divorce and how they synced up with the big book of crazy(DSM-IV-TR).
> 
> ...


Thanks NSweet!!!
Everything in bold has definitely been a constant/truth in my marriage. And I always appreciate your advice! These help me to see some light and for any future relationships


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

FrustratedFL said:


> Veebras - I can relate to the hurt, anger, obsession, emotions and the roller coaster you described. I have been through it all. Still dealing with stbxh infidelity with bar tramp with 4 duis. After 16 years of marriage I tried everything to shake him back to reality. Nothing worked.
> 
> *I tried guilt, force, anger, niceness, tears and child guilt. *Nothing worked. No remorse, no apology still with posow.
> 
> ...


Frustrated: The things I put in bold... I can totally relate!
It's crazy!
I am glad you are taking the high road and can see that you are ready to heal and to take care of YOU and the children!! I am happy for you 
Thank you for letting me know I am not alone and sharing some of your story. I hope you are having a good day today!!


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

familyfirst09 said:


> Where you at V? Everything ok?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hey girl!!!
Thanks for checking up on me 
I needed a "day off" of it all. 
I want to share that - at least today-- lol... I am feeling the healing!
I am starting to feel better. I can listen to music I couldnt for so long & not cry!
I dont even have to see him anymore. Such as this morning.. he is off and came over to watch the girls.. Usually, in the past I would always get cute for work and kind of linger around and try and see him/talk to him, etc. Well the last few weeks, I just walk out before he comes in and I am on my way, no exchange of words! And today I pulled out and left when he was turning onto our street, didnt see him at all. 
I didnt care to.!!
I feel good, I feel like I am moving on some, and I even started questioning myself whether I would really want him back.. 
I know in my heart I still do, however, he would have to be completely different/remorseful and I am not holding my breath or expecting anything any longer.
I thank TAM and YOU especially, and others for helping me to get here.
I know I am sure of it, I will have more downs my way.. But for now I feel great.
Counseling appt on Monday - more focusing on parenting and my girls!
Signed up for yoga class series every Wed, styarting next week!! 
AND IT'S FRIDAY!
Happy Friday all.
Hope you have a great day FamilyFirst


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

veebras said:


> Hey girl!!!
> Thanks for checking up on me
> I needed a "day off" of it all.
> I want to share that - at least today-- lol... I am feeling the healing!
> ...


Its a slow process for me as well. Hang in there and keep moving and working on yourself


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

FrustratedFL said:


> I can relate to the hurt, anger, obsession, emotions and the roller coaster you described. I have been through it all. After 16 years of marriage I tried everything to shake him back to reality. Nothing worked.
> 
> I tried guilt, force, anger, niceness, tears and child guilt. Nothing worked.
> 
> ...


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

I would like to quote the last paragraph of the four page letter I gave my husband telling him I wanted a divorce.

"it happens in a blink doesn’t it? One day we were young, had all these dreams ahead of us, then we cling to those dreams, try to hold on with our every breath, and then it seems like in an instant there over. But now maybe it's time to look ahead again or at least above for a new and different way of life. Let’s be at peace ok, with each other, with ourselves? I really hope you can make whatever the next leg of your life work for you and that you get the help you need to accomplish that. I hope we can go on with the steps of this divorce as amicably and peacefully as possible. Love always!"

Of course its not going peacefully because he still is not the man I thought he was going to be and he's a liar. Also I believe in some ways he is still trying to cling to the lifestyle that he was able to lead for many years. But my dark days have lessened because in my heart I knew I had to let him go.


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

doureallycare2 said:


> FrustratedFL said:
> 
> 
> > I can relate to the hurt, anger, obsession, emotions and the roller coaster you described. I have been through it all. After 16 years of marriage I tried everything to shake him back to reality. Nothing worked.
> ...


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

I love you guys.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

My IC got me to do the same list but it was at the start of all this so in my eyes, back then, we were meant to be. I had fog goggles as well. They're slowly lifting. When I keep reading what I've written about him, all the ****ty things he has done and the fact that he acts like nothing is wrong and still blames me for everything, well as he is now is not someone I want in my life. I would rather be happy and alone then miserable and married. 

I filed today, just waiting for the paperwork to be drawn up to hand it over to him. I don't think he knows what's coming because he's expecting me and D to keep living this way, he's a cake eater and I'm done serving him. 
I love him, and honestly if he came back home right now I'd open the door for him. But its not going to happen and I can't wait for it to happen anymore. 
And NC does work, I went 4 days NC at all, he sent me an email today, I didn't respond and then he calls wanting to know if I got his message....

Keep it up V, better things lie ahead. And do those lists! I'm going to re-do mine. Better frame of mind.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

Yeah...I gave my STBXW the D filing as her birthday gift...I figured it was what she wanted.....she didnt ask me to take it back either. I know I offer alot (she used to too) so I will take me on down the road to someone who cares. I love her too...always have...but I cant let her treat me like that...and like you, would rather take my chances with someone who gives a darn. No road from here is easy....but the road seems easier when you feel like your doing the right thing.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

I need an your opinion: My stbxh came over Sunday to talk about filing tax return again and I just don’t know what to do..... I don’t want to be the B%&* but I almost feel like I will be if I insist on splitting tax return and having half of it go into my account. He wants to pay county and school taxes with the return which will take up probably all the $ and have it deposited in our joint account. problem is, his sister does our taxes, she could tell me an inaccurate date $ will be in account ect (also I try not to use the account as he pays bills out of it and I dont want to be accused of anything)... also he has a 1099b for $1400.00 that he has to pay taxes on that he rec'd in Oct. He did not share that $ with me or tell me about it but now we could be taxed up to 35% on return for that $.. My dilemma, how much of a stink do I make about wanting some cash... was needing some cash..... He could have paid part or all of that $ he rec'd in oct on the taxes but didn’t.... also big problem is we're not talking about anything because of lawyers being involved. I look at it that I’m going to give him the house, and most of property why do I have to help pay taxes when he has a lot more money coming in. on the other hand.. I am responsible also for the house taxes, my name is on them to and I’m the one living in the house until the divorce gets settled. any ideas......??? I so resent giving up the $. If we were together we usually use the tax return for a vacation and to celebrate my birthday and he comes up with other ways to pay taxes. Once in while he does use some of the return to pay them though.... I talked with finical advisor, I talked with lawyer. Advisor says try to get him to split it w/me in separate accounts. Lawyer says if he puts a request in for a judgment I will probably get 33% of it. He says it’s probably not worth the fight sense husband is still paying all the bills for me... walking on cracked ice....


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

doureallycare2 said:


> I need an your opinion: My stbxh came over Sunday to talk about filing tax return again and I just don’t know what to do..... I don’t want to be the B%&* but I almost feel like I will be if I insist on splitting tax return and having half of it go into my account. He wants to pay county and school taxes with the return which will take up probably all the $ and have it deposited in our joint account. problem is, his sister does our taxes, she could tell me an inaccurate date $ will be in account ect (also I try not to use the account as he pays bills out of it and I dont want to be accused of anything)... also he has a 1099b for $1400.00 that he has to pay taxes on that he rec'd in Oct. He did not share that $ with me or tell me about it but now we could be taxed up to 35% on return for that $.. My dilemma, how much of a stink do I make about wanting some cash... was needing some cash..... He could have paid part or all of that $ he rec'd in oct on the taxes but didn’t.... also big problem is we're not talking about anything because of lawyers being involved. I look at it that I’m going to give him the house, and most of property why do I have to help pay taxes when he has a lot more money coming in. on the other hand.. I am responsible also for the house taxes, my name is on them to and I’m the one living in the house until the divorce gets settled. any ideas......??? I so resent giving up the $. If we were together we usually use the tax return for a vacation and to celebrate my birthday and he comes up with other ways to pay taxes. Once in while he does use some of the return to pay them though.... I talked with finical advisor, I talked with lawyer. Advisor says try to get him to split it w/me in separate accounts. Lawyer says if he puts a request in for a judgment I will probably get 33% of it. He says it’s probably not worth the fight sense husband is still paying all the bills for me... walking on cracked ice....


Honey, I have no idea! That's a tough call. Have you made a decision? Sorry for the delay. And I appreciate and read your last few posts on this thread. I am feeling much better.. But probably only because I am now dating someone for about a month almost now. We're having a great time getting to know one another and trying out new things! And my hb is noticing I guess.. 
Funny (NOT) how now he is texting me to have a good day at work yesterday and he was off/watching the girls - so he asks me if I am coming straight home because he said we should get together with the kids for a bit as he had no plans. Then he asks me when I got home if I was hungry and wanted him to go pick something up or cook dinner. Wtfh..!? Crazy. To be honest at this point I'm no longer positive I would want him back.. ? I am starting to feel Alive again! I hope that you are too 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Garry2012 said:


> Yeah...I gave my STBXW the D filing as her birthday gift...I figured it was what she wanted.....she didnt ask me to take it back either. I know I offer alot (she used to too) so I will take me on down the road to someone who cares. I love her too...always have...but I cant let her treat me like that...and like you, would rather take my chances with someone who gives a darn. No road from here is easy....but the road seems easier when you feel like your doing the right thing.


How are you doing Garry? You sound like a great guy you will definitely have another chance to be treated right. Whether that's her or someone else (more suited for you)!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

familyfirst09 said:


> My IC got me to do the same list but it was at the start of all this so in my eyes, back then, we were meant to be. I had fog goggles as well. They're slowly lifting. When I keep reading what I've written about him, all the ****ty things he has done and the fact that he acts like nothing is wrong and still blames me for everything, well as he is now is not someone I want in my life. I would rather be happy and alone then miserable and married.
> 
> I filed today, just waiting for the paperwork to be drawn up to hand it over to him. I don't think he knows what's coming because he's expecting me and D to keep living this way, he's a cake eater and I'm done serving him.
> I love him, and honestly if he came back home right now I'd open the door for him. But its not going to happen and I can't wait for it to happen anymore.
> ...


Are you okay? You filed, wow. I am proud of you though. Hope you're well. When will he know you filed? I don't even understand the process (only have looked into dissolution).. Best to you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

Well good Veebras, I’m glad you’re doing better, I’m on an emotional rollercoaster right now and I know its because of all the contact I have had with him lately. I did send him an email regarding filing our taxes and he was angry as I knew he would be. One email response he said do it all yourself and pay the house taxes too. then another email just says the name of a coffee place... I assume that is because I asked if we could meet in a neutral place to discuss the matter. Another email said "what I can’t come to the house anymore?" so I had to explain that I was just asking to meet in a neutral place to talk about the taxes. He has an awful temper and I don’t want to talk $ alone with him.......he intimidates me so much still. And his mood still affects my mood so now I’m feeling very depressed.


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

veebras said:


> How are you doing Garry? You sound like a great guy you will definitely have another chance to be treated right. Whether that's her or someone else (more suited for you)!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Im ok. Had a HUGE blowout with my MIL over the whole thing. While for 17 years she thought i was the best SIL ever, now im no good...and she absolutely refuses to acknowledge my SBTXW is in a MLC or having an affair. She is in as much denial as my STBXW...so sad and so frustrating. She acts as though I am the one who is cheating on her daughter...so weird.

Thank you for the kind words. My STBXW says i will have no problems replacing her...lol. I just need to get through all this first. I will have some trust issues to work though.


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

doureallycare2 said:


> Well good Veebras, I’m glad you’re doing better, I’m on an emotional rollercoaster right now and I know its because of all the contact I have had with him lately. I did send him an email regarding filing our taxes and he was angry as I knew he would be. One email response he said do it all yourself and pay the house taxes too. then another email just says the name of a coffee place... I assume that is because I asked if we could meet in a neutral place to discuss the matter. Another email said "what I can’t come to the house anymore?" so I had to explain that I was just asking to meet in a neutral place to talk about the taxes. He has an awful temper and I don’t want to talk $ alone with him.......he intimidates me so much still. And his mood still affects my mood so now I’m feeling very depressed.


Hang in there...the whole journey is a rollercoaster. The dips just seem to get less and less as you go. I still get angry and sad about what she is doing...but not as much...or maybe as long. Sometimes the whole thing just seems so surreal....


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

Garry2012 said:


> Hang in there...the whole journey is a rollercoaster. The dips just seem to get less and less as you go. I still get angry and sad about what she is doing...but not as much...or maybe as long. Sometimes the whole thing just seems so surreal....


 Gerry, surreal is an excellent word to describe it!


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

Is to me.....My stbxw adored me....so its very hard for me to accept that she now is ok with just walking away with another. MLC is a powerful force to be sure. At least once a day it catches me: i cant believe this is REALLY happening.


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

Prob i will have is i do NOT want to be her friend at all...just a co-parent. She wants to be buds....i will be fighting this for a long time...before and after she exits the fog.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

Garry2012 said:


> Prob i will have is i do NOT want to be her friend at all...just a co-parent. She wants to be buds....i will be fighting this for a long time...before and after she exits the fog.


Garry, That is the hardest thing for me. I don’t want my stbxh as a H anymore, I really don’t. He cheated on me so many times and has hurt me over and over again, but I want to know he still wants me in his life. I have a need to be needed and wanted by him.. isn’t that insane? That might be what you stbxw wants also. I can feel this mean awful part of me that wants to use him.. be my friend, be there for me to depend on you financially and to fix things, ect... so forth... I want to talk with him again like he's my best friend.... Only problem with all that.. 1st) is he lies. 2nd) is I couldn’t depend on him when we were married what makes me think I would be able to divorced? 3rd). what makes me think I would be able to control my emotions or his any better either? His temper was awful...do I really want to keep myself exposed to that. Like I have said before I really think its just a matter of how hard it is to accept change....to move forward.. Yet it probably really is the only way to truly heal. Don’t be friends right now.. if that comes in 10 years or so after the heart has a chance to fix itself than great.....


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

I sort of understand, but i dont have that need. I respect my friends too much to put someone in my circle of trust who cheated and lied to me. Besides, i fully expect to have someone else take the roll of my best friend and partner. Besides, the more i become her friend now, the more she thinks i agree with the D.


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

I really don't understand how all these people just walk away from such huge parts of their lives. And all the hurt and pain they have caused and then expect to be friends???? That's ridiculous!! I don't want to be H's friend. We were best friends for 15 years and he dumped me for a tramp. Yeah no that's not someone I want as a friend. I can't even co-parent with him because he's so blinded.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

Yep..13.5 here and 3 kids under 10...she decides she wants to be free. Ill coparent..but thats it...dont chit chat with me.


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

My H is sooooo chit chatty with me when other people are around, like his parents. But when we are alone (not very often) he spews hatrid at me. He's so fvcked up right now sometimes its scary.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

Interesting. My STBXW is the opposite..im the bitter one with the snide comments. She just ignores and wants to be buddies. Then again, she has mentioned that "maybe she will regret this in a few months and want back"...uhh...your divorcing me. She is so lost...at times i feel bad for her, especially if she comes out of the fog missing me..she will be a mess. heck a year ago she cried at my dad's funeral at the thought of losing me....now she is just fine with it? MLC.


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

She actually said that? Like basically telling you you're plan B? Ugh. My H did something similar a while back. Told me to "let him do this and maybe we will come back together down the road". But the more time he has spent with OW, the more bitter he has gotten and angry. Makes me wonder what she says to him. But I can't worry about that. His loss!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

I have heard from a few of these people in these sitch's. 1 or 2 from being on Paxil / Celexa, a few from MLC. They truly are confused. 

One described it vividly and made me feel so bad for them. She said it's like sometimes she can't think for herself. She'll lay awake at night sometimes adn think "WTF? " but will wake up and do it all over again... not knowing why. but those moments, (they call them "windows" in the other forums) are rare but she does see them, but no longer cares or think sabout them when they're back to being "retarded" (her word, not mine)


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

Yep...his mess to deal with..just like it will be hers too. Weird that he is getting angry. Just wants out you think?


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

I have a feeling my STBXW will have a major meltdown when she exits...but who knows.


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

He's angry because of my past issues. I'm not perfect and I contributed to the break up for sure. I'm dealing with my issues but he refuses to and still blames for everything. He says his life is miserable and its my fault. He's a total avoider and blame shifter so the only way he can deal with his own guilt is to put it on me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

ahh. My STBXW is blaming me for treating her badly 15 years ago..and that is why she wants out now...she "never got over how i treated her when we dated". We broke up several times when we dated due to her EXTREME jelousy and me not ready to get into another relationship so quickly after my 3 year relationship.


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

15 years ago? When you were dating??? Again, ridiculous!!!! Forigive me if I've already asked this or if you have said (I'm on my blackberry, hard to go back and read) but does she have OM?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

familyfirst09 said:


> 15 years ago? When you were dating??? Again, ridiculous!!!! Forigive me if I've already asked this or if you have said (I'm on my blackberry, hard to go back and read) but does she have OM?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah..at least an EA...she wont admit but i caught on a VAR and some other stuff. She is out of her gord.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

I ignore almost all of the chit chatty stuff for now. I try and keep it blunt and business like but polite as not to create to many problems if we go to mediation. He got mad at me the other day about my very polite email to him about fililing for taxes, than sends me a picture of our yard from his phone while I was at work. I dont know what to think.... I just hate dealing with him right now.


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

Being civil is a hard line to walk when you want to be angry and tell them to ef off and get out.But i have kids at home, and they have even told me not to fight anymore...so i try not too. It is awful as i am in the house with my STBXW and my STBX MIL ...terrible environment. I just hate that we have come to this point...especially when I think we were just a few MC sessions from a decent M..IF..and thats a big one....she was willing to work on it.


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

Very hard. I lived with my H for 3 months while he was off in never never land with posow. It was disgusting sometimes, watching him groom himself before taking off for 4-5 days with her. I was an emotional wreck, total zombie, couldn't even speak most days.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

Yeah...that would be. I dont have her doing that thankfully. But she primps to go to work etc...and is VERY concerned about her looking good..typical MLC stuff. 

Her uncles wife is on her second POSOM and they are about to finalize...yet, my STBXW or MIL see zero similarities....


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

I lived with mine for 3 months also before we actually separated, but the difference was he didn’t know that I knew he was having an A. I was going and seeing lawyers while I knew he was texting and seeing her. If he said he had to go out for some reason you should have seen his face if I wanted to ride along. It was actually comical but hurtful. The thing that kept me sane was that I had a goal. I knew he was planning a weekend away with her for a business conference that he usually took me on and I wanted the papers filed before that date. That didn’t work out but I still gave him his good by letter in his suitcase that weekend asking him to move out and that I wanted a divorce. He moved in with the ow (in the basement he said -lol- because she didn’t want him jumping from me to her...rofl..) We were expecting our first grandchild in December and had been making all kinds of plans for that over the summer, postponing vacations and such. He ruined so many things... and I still dont know why....

I can’t imagine living w/ a MIL or having my husband openly getting ready for a date in front of me. One of my problems has always been stifling my anger, if I got mad he always got madder. Breaking things or even hurting me once in a while. Could I have taken that.... I think I would have had to lash out...


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

My STBXW just lets it all roll off her back. I can go on and on about her leaving for another man, cheating etc...doesnt faze her...and she will chit chat 30 minutes later. MIL just has her head in her Azz so she doenst have to deal with the fact that while she is VERY religious, she has an adultrous daughter...to much for her to accept...so it MUST be me lying.


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Hb acting weird.. Coming around now that I am healing. He sees I am moving on and happy again and doing new things. He's questioning his decision it's obvious. I honestly don't knw how I feel about him any more. He hurt me pretty bad an was overly cold. Just an update.
I'm dancing again, listening to music again, taking yoga, and soon belly dancing classes. Having a life again.  hope you guys are doing okay too. You will!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

Yep...he sees you moving on. Its hard..i dont know what i would do either if SBTXW wanted back. I have seen a whole different person now, and would have a really hard time trusting and cherishing. She texted me for the first time in weeks yesterday..just to kinda touch base with me...i ignored her. Like you, i am moving.


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Garry2012 said:


> Yep...he sees you moving on. Its hard..i dont know what i would do either if SBTXW wanted back. I have seen a whole different person now, and would have a really hard time trusting and cherishing. She texted me for the first time in weeks yesterday..just to kinda touch base with me...i ignored her. Like you, i am moving.


I hope so Garry. You deserve so much better. Know and remember that. Be strong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

So do you Veebras. I want to have people in my life who WANT to be in my life....we are on this planet too little time to waste.


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Garry2012 said:


> So do you Veebras. I want to have people in my life who WANT to be in my life....we are on this planet too little time to waste.


Well said and so true!  hard but truth
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

Yeah, it makes it hard when they were happy in your life not that long ago.


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

How are you doing Veebras?


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Hi guys.. It's been some time. I'm doing so much better. Just because I have had to. I still miss him of course but I've finally accepted it. I've had to. And he's been very friendly and helpful finally. He says he's happier and wants me to be happy. He doesn't sound like he's truly happy to me and when I see him I know him.. But it is what it is. And I'm moving on. Who knows what will happen in future years from now etc. I'm being me and doing me again and it feels great. I've also been dating a guy for about a month now which obv helps. He's so different from hb and very interesting n sweet. Who knws where things will go. Taking it semi slow. Trying to. 
How are you??
Well still no talk if divorce or future... Just living day by day. I'm not bringing it up and neither does he and I'm ok with that for now.. Until I need to move in the summer I guess. Gotta figure out the house though?! Not trying to rush or worry though currently.
Hope you guys are doing well. Please let me know!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

Glad you’re doing well, all you can do is take it one day at a time, everything works differently for each of us. I can even imagine dating again now or in the future. My biggest problem right now I think is still my worry and over contact with the stbxh. I have legal papers that Im supposed to be filling out for my lawyer and I can’t even look at them to overwhelming. Like an ostrich. If I put my head in the sand maybe it will go away? Also hurt feeling that he didn’t wish me a happy b-day but he email and texted me 4 times yesterday about a meeting he was in and the weather... what the hell is that... IDK... I hate it.. Just tired... just want it over but not helping myself get it over with...now Im upset because he said hes going on Vacation to texas at the end of march to his sisters. we went together last year, I bet he's taking new woman and I dont have the money to go somewhere warm.


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

V, Don't you think this new man is just masking the fact you haven't actually dealt with any of your issues? He's a rebound...sorry I don't mean to be blunt but I was almost in your shoes and I could see what was happening....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

I absolutely agree with FF. I just got out of the same situation. The newness is exciting and spellbinding. It makes your own issues seem nonexistent, or unimportant at the very least.


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

I'm still reading your thread Katy 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Yes I admit it is helping and part of why I am feeling better and moving on. But what's the harm really. I dealt with my issues and still am, seeing psychologist still, and was faithful and absolutely depressed and lonely for five monts. At some point it was time to move on and this man has been amazing. Yes the newness and the excitement etc. I know it. I am trying to stay grounded and take care of me & my kids first and foremost. 
Him and I have been together a lot, cooking together, hanging out watching movies, volunteering, going to church, etc. he actually has a photo of us together up in his office I met him there for lunch today. It all seems too good to be true really. Lol
Who knows! But yes it's a large part - him- helping me to heal.. And to learn new thins and meet new people.. Not so bad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

doureallycare2 said:


> Glad you’re doing well, all you can do is take it one day at a time, everything works differently for each of us. I can even imagine dating again now or in the future. My biggest problem right now I think is still my worry and over contact with the stbxh. I have legal papers that Im supposed to be filling out for my lawyer and I can’t even look at them to overwhelming. Like an ostrich. If I put my head in the sand maybe it will go away? Also hurt feeling that he didn’t wish me a happy b-day but he email and texted me 4 times yesterday about a meeting he was in and the weather... what the hell is that... IDK... I hate it.. Just tired... just want it over but not helping myself get it over with...now Im upset because he said hes going on Vacation to texas at the end of march to his sisters. we went together last year, I bet he's taking new woman and I dont have the money to go somewhere warm.


I'm sorry things are not well right now for you. You are a strong woman I can see it thru your posts and advice to me! You will get thru this.. This too shall pass.
Have you tried doing something new, like a class of some sort, or meetup group, something you've always wanted to do, something new? Meeting new people and all surely would help some.
I hope you're feeling more uplifted soon! 
It will be what it is.. Nothing can change another but themselves I've finally accepted that. Hard but true. 
Hang in there!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

doureallycare2 said:


> Glad you’re doing well, all you can do is take it one day at a time, everything works differently for each of us. I can even imagine dating again now or in the future. My biggest problem right now I think is still my worry and over contact with the stbxh. I have legal papers that Im supposed to be filling out for my lawyer and I can’t even look at them to overwhelming. Like an ostrich. If I put my head in the sand maybe it will go away? Also hurt feeling that he didn’t wish me a happy b-day but he email and texted me 4 times yesterday about a meeting he was in and the weather... what the hell is that... IDK... I hate it.. Just tired... just want it over but not helping myself get it over with...now Im upset because he said hes going on Vacation to texas at the end of march to his sisters. we went together last year, I bet he's taking new woman and I dont have the money to go somewhere warm.


I kind of trudge on myself. Going through the divorce papers... It turns my stomach... But less everyday. I'm not ready to date anyone... I have had a couple if women want to date.... I just can't do it... I need time to get myself together... Jumping into a new relationship would be impossible for me.
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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Ff? How are you? I'm being silly I think.. But it is ok. Maybe.. A lil confused if this is ok t not. Lol questioning myself and motives tonight.. Hmmm
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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

Thanks veebras, Im ok... I had an ok day, once again stayed home by myself all day and night but that was my choice. Got my house cleaned, cooked up a storm and made a pie. I watched old girlie movies that I love. I did feel lonley but it was barable. I totlay understand why your dating and what your saying about it helping you to heal. The lonliness I feel wasnt for people in general, I was invited out by a couple diffent friends and didnt want to go) its want that love, a hug a kiss, a caress some one to hold you at night or for you to hold. However I have to say Im a little worried about you also. There are a couple of people in my divorce group that divorced years ago but never went through the whole greiving process and used some type of "help" to get through it and now find out years latter that they have all this pain still. Dont let that happen to you. 
Garry, this trudging part does get old though doesnt it..  especially in this deep mud....


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

veebras said:


> Ff? How are you? I'm being silly I think.. But it is ok. Maybe.. A lil confused if this is ok t not. Lol questioning myself and motives tonight.. Hmmm
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm hanging in! Taking it day by day. Trying to focus more on my healing than the stupid sh!t H is doing. 

You're not being silly. What are you questioning? Whether you are ready to date? You have to give yourself time to heal which I don't think you have done. 

"When you jump in the water while still bleeding the sharks will come". You are still bleeding.
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## Garry2012 (Oct 5, 2012)

Honestly, I went on a couple coffee dates...i can tell i am no where near ready to move on. Yeah, it takes my mind off the present situation...but I know i am not really involved..and thats not right. I can wait...it gets easier and easier to just walk away from X.


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

Wow I haven't been on here since Feb it appears. Just wondering how everyone is doing? How things are going for you and of anyone has been lucky enough to reconcile or break free of the pain? I hope that. I am doing better but still fall back sometimes. Guess it's only natural. And I still long to reconcile but not like I did before I am no longer stuck, thank Gid! I feel much better but there will always be that pain and sense of a deep loss inside me buried mostly but can resurface. I have been in a relationship for abt three mos now. He seems great we have been totally infatuated with each other and it's all still new. Lately like today, I feel like its too good to be true or something just isn't right. I feel like we have both really rushed into things and spend all of our free time together that we can, which I love, but at the same time it scares me. I'm afraid of being left gain and afraid I am not taking enough time to be me and to heal more? I don't know I guess after such a tragedy it's almost hard to trust and to let yourself be vulnerable again. It's still soon.. I am so grateful for this site it was a true lifesaver for me and helped to keep me alive almost. Crazy but true. Thanks to everyone who was there for me. Let me know if you're still here how you are doing? Ttys
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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

Still here, I have my first court date coming up on the 30th... nervious.....But doing good, healing, taking it one day at a time.

As I told you in my last post, you do need to take the time to heal. People think that a new relationship can heal the damage caused to you by someone else, but it just mask the issues. Hopefully you are in some type of IC to help you.


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

doureallycare2 said:


> Still here, I have my first court date coming up on the 30th... nervious.....But doing good, healing, taking it one day at a time.
> 
> As I told you in my last post, you do need to take the time to heal. People think that a new relationship can heal the damage caused to you by someone else, but it just mask the issues. Hopefully you are in some type of IC to help you.


Hey thanks for responding. Sorry you are having to go through this and te divorce process. I can't imagine. I wish you the best. I would be nervous too. It's hard it's still so surreal.. More so again.
I was going to IC regularly but funny.. I stopped going shortly after I started dying this guy. Hmm. 
Well I do go to yoga and to the gym now to be alone wih myself and to take care of myself. I enjoy it. But have been thinking abt going back to IC. I should. Just schedule is so damn tight! Ugh 

We haven't talked abt dissolution/divorce in quite some time. I am getting more $
The way things are now as he is still paying most of the mortgage and daycare expenses bi weekly. And all health insurance thru him. So I'm my pushing it. And he seems ok for now.. But I know when the unfortunate time comes for the paperwork and filing that I will be saddened again and it will be hard. Not looking forward to it at all. 
Glad to hear from you, I wish under better circumstances. :/ take care and chat if you'd like I'll be checking in.
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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

Well Im glad he is still helping you! Im sure your right and when the actual time comes for any type of court or paperwork it will bring new and old hurts up. So you need to try and prepair your self for that. There is just no getting around how sucky it all is....Good luck with everything!!


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