# Sent possible OW a message and she ignored it...



## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

After years of anxiety I sent the OW a message. She read it, it shows as seen. It was a day ago. I was polite, basically telling her my family is in turmoil and I need peace and closure. She moved far away so she has no worries. I'm assuming since she ignored the email pretty much what I feared is true. 

On a side note another girl immediately responded back and helped ease my worries, apologized for some stuff and I dunno...

After comparing the two it really makes me feel my worse nightmares must be true. 

Why would one reply back so quickly and the other ignore the message?

A couple weeks ago I texted the one my WH actually confessed to and her story pretty much matched up, a few slightly different things... It was a drunken ONS on a business trip.

But, this girl who didn't reply back... I think this was full blown affair. 

Two Ativans tonight as I wait for a response.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

What does it matter what they say. You will never know what the truth is. They will tell you what they want to tell you and would you even know the truth if it were told to you in absolutes.

The question is, Who are you and who do you want to be? 

Is your husband truly remorseful? Does that matter to you? What do you want out of your marriage? Is he doing the heavy lifting?

Don't focus on OW. It will just drive you nuts. They are out of your control. I am sorry you are here sister. God bless.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Why do you think she will tell you the truth if she responds? 

Let it go.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

I know you're probably desperate/exasperated but I wouldn't text or try to contact the OW again.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Forget about any good response from the OW.

Have your H take a polygraph test.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

You can have peace and closure without talking to any of these women.

I mean what will it change, you have chosen to move on, and forgive your husband you now need to look towards the future..... 

What do you actually want to hear from these women, it could make things worse.

3 times your husband had affairs??. your very forgiving.


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

I think you want them to corroberate your H stories and put your mind at rest, thing is, do you want to know the truth or just enough to satisfy yourself what he said was true?

If it is for peace and closure, you can get that from inside, emotions are controlling you, you need to get a grip and control your emotions, you are behaving like a victim, stop that, sit up straight, shoulders back and head back and shout from the top of your lungs "I refuse to be a victim", repeat 10 times and get busy doing something productive to stop you thinking about it, if you do have a thought, then say to yourself "why the feck are you thinkig about that?" and then think about something nice, fluffy bunny rabbits and pretty rainbows helps me.

Just stop beating yourself up over these OWs ok.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

The one who replied was not bothered. ONS; who cares? Well, obviously you do.

But someone who was in a long term affair, who sees the hurt and damage caused to a blameless faithful spouse and her children? How does someone deal with that? By ignoring it? 

"Sorry about the ONS" that's relatively easy. 

But apologising for destroying a family? That'd take guts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

hurtingbadly said:


> After years of anxiety I sent the OW a message. She read it, it shows as seen. It was a day ago. I was polite, basically telling her my family is in turmoil and I need peace and closure. She moved far away so she has no worries. I'm assuming since she ignored the email pretty much what I feared is true.
> 
> On a side note another girl immediately responded back and helped ease my worries, apologized for some stuff and I dunno...
> 
> ...


Sorry. 

The email you sent would be a very hard one to receive and I doubt she could come up with a good reply. I know I would not be able to.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

This has been years in the making. I have struggled for three plus years now and I'm just at a point I want answers. The anxiety and doubts have just about killed me. I think the length of time that went by before I learned of things has really done a number on me. I question almost a decade of my life. I can't look at family photos anymore without sobbing. It's very sad. 

He did take a poly a couple years ago and failed.

First girl - He has only confessed to the drunken ONS when he was out of town on business. This happened almost eleven years ago. I found out three years ago, but it took a year to find out who she was. She was a coworker from another office and had moved soon after it happened.

I texted her last week, she immediately called me. We talked for an hour. Her story mostly matched up to his, some slight variances. She's a sad person and I almost felt like apologizing to her for my husband's bad behavior. How messed up is that? She's a selfish drug addicted train wreck that has a history of sleeping with married men with children. She did apologize. I wanted that and if anything talking with her confirmed what I thought of her. She's a mess.

Second girl - He denies the second girl. I found some inappropriate messages years ago. Ive never got confirmation or closure on her. I finally sent her a message, she almost immediately responded back and continued to chat with me. She apologized, said she didn't remember the messages, but it was very disrespectful to me and she felt really bad it played any part into our troubles. It made me feel better the fact she was so quick to respond, but I no longer trust anyone. So I take this with a grain of salt.

THIRD GIRL - She is the reason all this started. I worried about her for YEARS. They worked together. When I couldn't take it anymore that is when WS admitted to the first girl. I have NEVER found peace or closure on her. He has since admitted they were too close and he has read boundary books because of this. I do not believe him, I have too many things that don't add up that I won't go into detail here.

I sent her the message. I was not mean (Haven't been mean to anything of them.). It showed as seen and she did not respond back. I then sent another message that I know she read it, so I'll assume the worse by her lack of response. I then asked her to please just help me find some peace and closure. This morning I discover she has blocked me. What a cold, selfish, horrible person. 

So there you go. I confront WS, he still DENIES anything happened with her other than he shouldn't have gotten so close to her at work. He denies anything physical, even with his hand on the Bible. Seriously?!? 

I guess I'm doomed to spend the rest of my life wondering what the truth really is. Why are people so mean?!?


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

You are looking for answers that you may never get. Your gut is saying that there is more and there may be more.

Letting go of all this is hard. I am wired like you but do try to work on letting go of this.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Thorburn said:


> You are looking for answers that you may never get. Your gut is saying that there is more and there may be more.
> 
> Letting go of all this is hard. I am wired like you but do try to work on letting go of this.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

And one of you asked if he was remorseful? I guess you could say he is. He has given me passwords, read books, gone to counseling... But, if he continues to not be forthcoming I don't really think that is remorse?!? 

We can't afford to divorce. He lost his job thanks to this mess. We're basically having to start over financially. That's another story.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

How? How do you let it go? I like being in control and I no longer know what has really happened in my life. I guess I also don't like being made a fool. I feel like by others knowing things I don't know... This drives me crazy. The need to know what was done behind my back is all consuming. It's like a decade of memories that you're no longer sure were even real. How does one cope with that? I've removed many photos, but even the ones of my children remind me that those years they were growing up I was being made a fool. 
How many people know stuff? Why would nobody come to me?
Sometimes I feel I can no longer live here. I feel so trapped.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Tell us about the failed polygraph.

Which question(s) did he fail. Did he confess afterwards? Does he still deny the results?


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## Aerith (May 17, 2013)

3 different OWs?

Doubt you can have peace and closure while you are with your husband. 

There is a good chance it night be 4th and 5th OW.

Sorry you are going through that. 

My mother got divorced after my father 3 rd affair as she realised he was not going to change whatever he promised.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

hurtingbadly said:


> We can't afford to divorce.
> 
> We're basically having to start over financially.


Honestly, by taking divorce off the table, you're eliminating your best chance to get your husband to turn around. 

If you have to start over financially with him, you can start over financially without him.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

hurtingbadly said:


> This has been years in the making. I have struggled for three plus years now and I'm just at a point I want answers. The anxiety and doubts have just about killed me. I think the length of time that went by before I learned of things has really done a number on me. I question almost a decade of my life. I can't look at family photos anymore without sobbing. It's very sad.
> 
> He did take a poly a couple years ago and failed.
> Smilies
> ...


Wow. Does this sound familiar. I sent emails to two of the flings and heard back immediately from one. The second was the full blown affair (stbx denied his involvement with her) and only after I saw her FB page with a child on it that was the right age and coloring to be my stbx's, did she respond to my question on paternity via email. She says the child is not his. anyway, only after all of this, did the stbx admit to it. Trickly truth to the nth degree...and no, I still don't know who the others are. But, really, who cares.

Hurtingbadly, you have a choice to make. Your WS is still lying and not 100% committed to R. Your finances are in disarray, you're unhappy. Really, what is stopping you? Do you have children?

Like your ws, mine destroyed at least a decade of memories. I want to vomit when I think of the time we spent together. I responded by taking control of my life and cutting him out as much as possible. I will not choose to be abused that way nor will I allow myself to continue to be disrespected. Financially, it is a hardship, but so what? I can look at myself in the mirror, I like what I see and the future is bright.

You ask how you cope with the memories and the betrayal? I have gotten rid of scads of photos with the permission of my children. I am selling my jewelry that he gave me. I moved across an ocean (!) I did a bit of venting with a permanent marker on his cherished possessions. I exercise a ton. I wrap myself in a bubble of golden light when the negativity and hate threatens to overwhelm me and visually push those thoughts out of my head. I go out to be around people...even to the grocery store. I do not allow myself to spiral down. It will take time and effort.

Oh, and dance. I dance around the house to music that I like. The kids and the dogs like that one best.
*hugs*


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

The only reason you are looking for closure from these other women is because you are not getting it from your husband. He is the only one who can really give that to you. 

What does he need to do in order for you to move past this? Figure that out and discuss it with him.

More than likely it is trust. You have to be able to trust him. It is not the OW fault that your H did what he did, he chose his behavior. 

So, how or what can your husband do to rectify this. If he can't, or won't, no matter what, then close the door on this relationship, even if you can't afford it.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

You said he failed a poly--was this related to his relationship with Third Girl?

Here's the thing: Many waywards will avoid full disclosure at all costs until there is basically nothing left to lose (Mrs_Mathias had a great post about this from the WS viewpoint a while back). Unless you are willing to get to this point ("tell the full truth or I'm walking, and here are the D papers for you to review"), you will be forced to live with this. I'm in a somewhat similar position. What you need to do is assume the worst and make your decisions based on this. My W denies her EA was ever physical. I think there's a better than even chance she's lying. She will take this to her grave. Based on how she has behaved for the last several months and the prospects for the future, I am willing to live with this assumption, because I see a good life ahead (we've been married 37 years). But it would be a better life if she would respect me enough to tell the whole truth.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Poly -
Have you had intercourse outside your marriage? 
He said no and failed.

Is there anyone else your wife is unaware of that you had sexual contact with?
He said no and this came back inconclusive.

Did you have sexual contact more than once with (first girl he admitted to)?
He said no and failed.

Before agreeing to the poly he admitted he kissed this girl. The day before the poly he admitted the kiss was actually a blow job. After the poly he told me his buddy actually had intercourse with her first, then she gave him the BJ. He also admitted they let her share their room for an additional night.

I know, I know. Trust me, those images run thru my head every night. 

My guess on the second question that came back inconclusive was I am aware of the third girl so I can see how that question could have been confusing. Should have been worded better. 

As for the first question? My guess is it wasn't a BJ, but sexual intercourse and/or his buddy was banging her same time he was getting the BJ.

Nice world I live in. 

Did I mention I tested positive to HPV five years later from this? Right smack dab when I believed he was cheating with girl number three?

I'm not sure on girl number two, but I do think they were flirting.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Unfortunately, depending on other people for "closure" isn't likely to get you anywhere. They (the OW in particular) have nothing to gain by admitting anything close to the truth. You need to focus on yourself, and rely on what you can control to begin healing. Relying on other people will only delay the healing process. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

And yes, I have two teens. One has two more years of high school left. The younger one is having more difficulties with everything. She wants us to make up. 

I would say if I let it go he'd probably be a better husband. He is trying harder with the kids, he says he understands boundaries better... He no longer works with a company that encouraged partying and cheating while out of town. There was definitely a culture there. I knew this. 

He has apologized. The issue that remains is I don't have closure. I still feel I don't know things. And I can't cope with him still lying to me. What kinda relationship is that?

We've been together over twenty years. And he is no longer the person I thought he was. He is secretive and was selfish. 

Soooo, I guess this comes down to trust. Can I trust him in the future? Maybe. Can I trust he isn't still lying to my face about the past? Not so much. 

I was a SAHM. I've had a job for almost a year now, but the pay is pathetic. I've applied to almost 200 jobs now. I really don't know what to do. His job situation is evolving right now so I can't depend on anything with that at this moment. 

Do I hang on until high school is over? Do I just try to find a fake happy place, pretend and make it thru that hurdle? I dunno.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

hurtingbadly said:


> And I can't cope with him still lying to me. What kinda relationship is that?
> 
> *He will continue to lie until the consequences of doing so are too great. He won't stop lying just to give you peace of mind. *
> 
> ...


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

hurtingbadly, I understand how you feel. I have been there too, not because of cheating, but I have had those feelings eat me up to the point that it took years from me.

Finally one day I realized that if I didn't get this under control and let it go, it was going to make me sick. I could actually feel the negative emotions affecting me on a cellular level. So I realized I had to let it go - for me. Letting it go is a conscious choice, you just decide you are not going to let this control you any more, you are going to take back your life, emotions and happiness.

I know it sounds hard, but it really isn't. If you don't have good eating habits, then acquire them, sugar is poison to your moods. If you don't exercise, then start, you need the endorphins from that. Start smiling and looking at all that is good in your life.

I never got the closure I wanted, needed, but that is something not all of us are going to get. You can get past this without his full disclosure. You know he lied, you know he cheated. Knowing more will not change any of that. Decide that yesterday is the last day that you will give up anymore of your happiness.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

hurtingbadly said:


> I was a SAHM. I've had a job for almost a year now, but the pay is pathetic. I've applied to almost 200 jobs now. I really don't know what to do. His job situation is evolving right now so I can't depend on anything with that at this moment.
> 
> Do I hang on until high school is over? Do I just try to find a fake happy place, pretend and make it thru that hurdle? I dunno.


hurting,

I understand where you're coming from. What I would recommend is that you sit down privately and formulate an exit strategy; based on financial contingencies. If it takes weeks or months to put yourself in position to leave; that's okay. You may or may not have to implement the plan - based on your husband.

But just have a plan.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

hurtingbadly said:


> How? How do you let it go? I like being in control and I no longer know what has really happened in my life. I guess I also don't like being made a fool. I feel like by others knowing things I don't know... This drives me crazy. The need to know what was done behind my back is all consuming. It's like a decade of memories that you're no longer sure were even real. How does one cope with that? I've removed many photos, but even the ones of my children remind me that those years they were growing up I was being made a fool.
> How many people know stuff? Why would nobody come to me?
> Sometimes I feel I can no longer live here. I feel so trapped.


People have their own selfish interests at heart. They aren't thinking of you. There is no such thing as control. You may have felt you had it but you really didn't. Not if you are thinking of anyone's actions but yours. Those are the only ones you control. 

You have chosen to R. You have to let the rest go. There just are no answers.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

hurtingbadly said:


> Poly -
> Have you had intercourse outside your marriage?
> He said no and failed.
> 
> ...


Look, sweetie, you choose the world you live in.

Have you been tested recently?

Is he a consultant? I ask because my stbx is/was.

OK. Your situation has many similarities with mine. SAHM for 15 years, though I lived abroad; lying cheating husband; two teens (14 and 15), great uncertainty in the job market; std (yes, thank goodness, mine was easily curable).

The thing is even if you leave, you may never get the truth. IMO, the reason you are staying is fear. FEAR. Fear is never a good reason.

How would you want your children to behave if faced with this decision? Model that behavior for them.

I like Bad memories' suggestion of an exit plan. I also would recommend IC for you immediately. Should you decide to stay you need a strategy to deal with the betrayal or it is going to eat you up inside.


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## Aerith (May 17, 2013)

If you like to be incontrol, then putting an action plan can help you to beat your desparation. It works for me well when i am lost and panicking...

Put on the paper - To stay with H, i need to do the following and then1,2,3 and soon

To divorce myH i need to do the following 1,2,3...

And start working on that.

You will receive a lot of great advice here what practical steps you need to taketo make things happen.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

hurtingbadly said:


> How? How do you let it go? I like being in control and I no longer know what has really happened in my life. I guess I also don't like being made a fool. I feel like by others knowing things I don't know... This drives me crazy. The need to know what was done behind my back is all consuming. It's like a decade of memories that you're no longer sure were even real. How does one cope with that? I've removed many photos, but even the ones of my children remind me that those years they were growing up I was being made a fool.
> How many people know stuff? Why would nobody come to me?
> Sometimes I feel I can no longer live here. I feel so trapped.


It is a process and a choice. Letting go, is allowing yourself to let go of the baggage, chains, etc that's holding you back.

It is reaching the point of "So what?" So what if I don't know everything. So what if there is more that he did.

As long as you keep ruminating on all of this stuff you stay trapped in an endless cycle. 

You are stuck due to finances. You are stuck because you can't get answers. You are stuck because there are more questions. You are stuck because you feel that people should follow the same moral code that you have and come clean.

You state this drives you crazy and ask how does one cope?

If you keep ruminating on this crap it will drive you nuts. And you are not coping well at all.

Is he worth this aggrevation? Is he worth continuing to TT you? Is he worth all this? 

It is when you detach, when you reach that point of detachment, and have no more emotional ties to him, then that is when you can let go.

You can't cope under the circumstances that you are living, or at least you can't cope in any healthy meaningful way.


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