# Emotional Affair



## hurting2025 (Feb 21, 2013)

My husband of almost 15 years (been together for 24 years) started having an emotional affair with another woman who he met when he was on the road. I believe there was nothing physical there but the emotional part is killing me. I found out about this 3 months ago. I have asked him numerous times to stop texting her but he says "She's my friend, that's it, and I'm not going to stop being friends with her". So the other night me and him got into it hard core....we had both been drinking and he started throwing stuff around. I took our 17 year old daughter to my mother's house and didn't tell him where we were. 2 days later I come home to talk to him and told him what the issues were and what I needed from him to make our marriage work. He says he will try but he's not giving up his friendship with her. We are so emotionally disconnected it's awful! I love my husband so much and I don't want to get a divorce but I don't know what to do. Do I just let this "friendship" continue and not say anything? Do I leave him? It seems that leaving him for those few days didn't do a whole lot to make him realize that he's doing something wrong. I honestly think the man has blinders on and can't see the big picture. He says if I was doing the same thing he wouldn't care because he doesn't look at my phone or the cell phone bill and all I'm doing is snooping. The only way I found out was because he was too drunk to shut his alarm off one morning so I did it and I hit the message button and there was her name and the messages they sent back and forth. Granted none of them were bad or anything but I still don't think it's appropriate for a married man to be texting some girl that he met a couple of years ago every day! I'm so depressed that in this last 3 months I have lost 45 pounds. I can't eat, I can't sleep and I can't seem to find a way back to our "real" marriage. We do not connect emotionally anymore and he's all of a sudden not interested in sex. He used to want it at least 3 times a week and now if I can get it once every 2 weeks I'm lucky. What should I do. I need advice as I'm lost. Thanks in advance!


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Do not buy the "just friends" crap...I think all of us BS's have been told that.

Stop having sex with him as well...I encourage you to find the link for the "180" and start implementing that asap. Do a search on google for 180 divorce busters and it should come up...or find it on here.

You have to start getting your personal power back..right now he is calling all the shots.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Honestly, I'd be telling him that if he wasn't willing to give up his little girlfriend then there's no point in pretending to work on the marriage. Really, that's what this amounts to. I gave my husband a choice between his "friend" or our marriage. Our marriage was, and still is, worth more to him than another woman. If I were you, I'd go back to your parents' house, with your daughter and many more of your belongings. Go longer than the few days. Let him see what he is choosing by picking his "friendship" over you. If it doesn't even register to him that he will lose you, well, then, you have your answer, sadly.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Since he won't put a stop to it you have to. 
Do you know who she is? Is she married? If you know her phone number you can do a reverse lookup and find out. Discover all you can about her. 

In the meantime let your husband know that you won't accept a third party in your marriage, and as long as he thinks it's okay to have an inappropriate relationship with another woman you will do what you need to do. 

And what you need to do is to protect yourself and your children. Tell him you are going to visit a family law attorney to know your legal rights and remedies. Before you do this steel yourself. Stiffen your spine. You need to resolve yourself that "this is it". He is in a marriage or he is not. So when you go to the lawyer have a mindset that you will have to be willing to lose the marriage if you want to save it. Otherwise you will be in limbo until he makes up his mind about "you or her" .

And understand this, as long as he is in contact with her their emotional connection will continue to thrive and strengthen. It is up to you to get him off the fence. 

If it is possible, contact the OW's husband or boyfriend and let them know that your husband is in an emotional affair with their SO. 

Stop the alcohol and start the 'steely nerve' attitude.


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## hurting2025 (Feb 21, 2013)

Thank you for your advice thus far. I talked to my therapist a little bit this morning and told her what everyone was telling me. She agrees that I need to come to terms with this loss. I'm holding on by threads, unfortunately. We have decided on a 2 week trial run and I'm going to honor that unless he starts texting her again (he promised he wouldn't while we were deciding what we wanted). If I see he is texting her again then hopefully I can realize that it's over. Please know that I'm taking everyone's advice to heart and I truly appreciate all your input very much!


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

get this book, Not Just Friends

Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"

you need to be firm with him, honest to pete...husband and wife come before any friends. "It's her or me babe, her or me"

How are you going to be sure he wont text her and hide it from you? these things thrive on secrecy, it's the thrill the rush of chemicals in the brain, once the secrecy is blown up, it shatters unicorn land.

read the newbiw link by almostrecovered, it will help you.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html


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## dgtal (Jun 11, 2010)

People here have the concept wrong and classify the A into a EA type when there is none evidence. Affair is Affair where EA is the initial phase and PA is the goal. A good porcentage of A`s end after it becomes physical. IMO, there is only one word "Affair"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

He's doing this because something is missing in his relationship with you. What is he getting from this other woman? A sympathetic ear? Maybe some ego boosting? Some flirtations?

You say you don't connect emotionally anymore... were you really connecting before he started texting this woman?

Figure this out... maybe through marriage counseling or individual counseling. Figure out what is missing between the two of you. Another posted said stop having sex with him. Yes, you can use sex as a weapon but you can also use it as a means of bringing you two closer.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

You will only tread water as long as he is involved with her. Your marriage has just about zero chance of recovering while he is still emotionally attached to her. The EA must end and he needs to understand that. I let my wife's EA go on after she convinced me (and herself) that is was just a friendship. Only after I forced the issue and told her I would leave if she didn't end it did we really start to improve the marriage. It is a scary prospect I will grant you, but it's the only way. We are 6 years post D-Day and very happy.


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## MountainofEmotions (Mar 22, 2011)

This is an all to common story. 
I understand what your are going through now....your head is spinning and you don't know where to turn or what to do.

From my own experience, YOU MUST TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, Mentally and Physically. Its amazing what a exercise routine will do for you and your stress level. It will allow you to get some rest, allow your body to deal with the stress, give you a little time to think about things to clear your head. Plus, improving your health is always a good thing.

Now back to the issue, start a journal, and keep good notes of conversations, events, and a timeline. It will help your keep the story straight and even open your mind to the meaning of it all.

His actions in no way, and by no means has anything to do with the person you are, period! He is the one that made the choice and now has to live with the consequences. It is just as easy to have an affair as it is to work on your marriage.

Give him a choice and a short time frame to decide. Then stick to the consequences of his decision. Also, once you have found out all you can about her, EXPOSE the affair to all you know. This is critical to end the affair!! Do not settle for less. In my situation, I did'nt and I am suffering the consequences. 

Stay Strong and goal oriented. Keep your daily routines as best you can. Workout often as you can. You are not alone.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Chris Taylor said:


> He's doing this because something is missing in his relationship with you. What is he getting from this other woman? A sympathetic ear? Maybe some ego boosting? Some flirtations?
> 
> You say you don't connect emotionally anymore... were you really connecting before he started texting this woman?
> 
> Figure this out... maybe through marriage counseling or individual counseling. Figure out what is missing between the two of you. Another posted said stop having sex with him. Yes, you can use sex as a weapon but you can also use it as a means of bringing you two closer.


I have to disagree with you.
He is not cheating because something is lacking from her position in the relationship. He's cheating because he is selfish and a coward. It is on him. 100%. Lots of people have issues in relationships and that is no excuse to cheat. He had options and CHOSE to be unfaithful.


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

Treat him as if he and his "friend" were doing this right in front of you in your own living room!!! Because that is what he is doing. He is being rude and selfish. You can tell him I said it too.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Pluto2 said:


> I have to disagree with you.
> He is not cheating because something is lacking from her position in the relationship. He's cheating because he is selfish and a coward. It is on him. 100%. Lots of people have issues in relationships and that is no excuse to cheat. He had options and CHOSE to be unfaithful.


Correct, the decision to get involved with another woman is on him 100%. Just as my wife's decision was. However in a majority of affairs, it is driven by a need, a desire or a weakness in the WS. One cannot simply point a finger at a WS and assume their motivation was a total lack of character. I hold my wife responsible for her actions but I also looked at my own in the lead up to them. There was more to our recovery than just ending the affair. I had to address my own demons, my passive-aggressiveness, lack of empathy for her needs and anger issues. Those were the issues that made her feel alone in the marriage and with time made her vulnerable to the affair. No different from a man with a frigid wife would be more susceptible to a sexual encounter outside the marriage. The decision to do so however hangs on the betrayer but there was a driver.

I have no idea if the OP has issues to address to improve the marriage but when a marriage gets in trouble that is the time for some serious self reflection and our own culpability in the problems. And almost always, both have some amount of fault in the downfall. We both accepted that in the end and we both made changes. 

My caution to any BSs reading this is to not get lost in the process. You cannot lose yourself in this or you'll be adrift as I was early on, turning into some one my wife couldn't even recognize anymore. You cannot burden yourself with all the problems with the marriage and if you do, you'll eventually crumble emotionally as I did. Work on yourself with confidence but remember you are not the betrayer.


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## hurting2025 (Feb 21, 2013)

After reading everyone's posts I feel I need to add a little more information as there are some things I didn't think to mention in my initial post. 

My husband worked in the town that this girl works for a couple of months the last 2 years. He works construction. So, instead of sitting in a room alone he would go to the bar each night (that's where he met her). This town is 2 hours away from our home. He has made no attempt to go and see her at any point. The only time he saw her was when he worked there and he insists that it wasn't every night as she has 3 children, 2 being under the age of 12. He has told me that she is not married but is in a relationship with her 2 youngest sons' father. The last 3-5 years of our marriage have been great! We rarely argued about anything and he would always come home after work if he wasn't on the road. Even when he was on the road he would text me at least 4-5 times a week and then we would talk on the phone at least 2 nights. I even surprised him one time and went to visit him when he was in the town where this girl is. He didn't seem upset that I was there, in fact, he was very happy! He tells me that this girl is just someone he can "bull****" with. Excuse my language. He doesn't talk about money, children, or things going wrong at home. He just talks to her about what is going on with the other people he knows from the town and what she has been up to. He says that there is no discussion of our marriage, just his work and that when he gets mad at work he vents to her because she doesn't tell him to quit his job like I do. I should also state that he doesn't ever call her, he just texts her. My biggest problem is that it was kept a secret from me and after looking into it deeper he was texting her almost every day and to me that is not right. He should be getting a hold of me if he's having a bad day, just like I do to him. 
The first night I came home after leaving was not good. The second night was better. Last night he text me and asked me to get ready because he was coming to get me. When he got to the house he had 2 of his guy friends with him. We went to one of their houses and hung out there shooting pool, listening to music, etc. My initial thought is "why would he get a hold of me when he's with his buddies if he didn't want me to be with him?" I'm trying to look at the positives......he contacted me first and asked me to do something! Also, with the 2 hour span between her home and ours and him never attempting to go see her while I'm at work and he's at home (layed off for the winter) that there really isn't any kind of feelings for her....except emotional. I'm probably grasping at straws but I feel that leaving some of this information out from the first post wasn't right and that if I want help I need to give all the facts. I truly appreciate everyones' reponses!


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

hurting2025 said:


> He says that there is no discussion of our marriage, just his work and that when he gets mad at work he vents to her because she doesn't tell him to quit his job like I do.


What are you going to do about meeting his needs in this area?



hurting2025 said:


> I should also state that he doesn't ever call her, he just texts her.


Just as bad and likely you are getting half truths here.




hurting2025 said:


> My biggest problem is that it was kept a secret from me and after looking into it deeper he was texting her almost every day and to me that is not right.


Secrecy is a huge red flag and now that you know he may have found better ways to hide the communications.


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## canadiangirl (Apr 24, 2012)

strugglinghusband said:


> get this book, Not Just Friends
> 
> Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"
> 
> ...


Not Just Friends was a HUGE eye opener for myself and my FWH. Read it.


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## BKG (Feb 22, 2013)

After 1-1/2 years of dealing with the aftermath of my husband's emotional affair I can tell you that if he is not willing to give it up then save yourself time and heartache and hire a lawyer for counsel - so you will have everything ready to go. Make your plans - have everything in place. Then calmly tell him the deal - the choice. and go through with it. You need to heal - you are worth it.


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