# Funeral trip for my STBX MIL



## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

Hi,

I have a long thread on TAM from right before my husband and I split. If you would like to read it for background ->http://talkaboutmarriage.com/private-members-section/302474-trial-separation-pros-cons.html#post14179218

But to sum up, my soon to be ex is/was an abusive drug addict. We had been together for 8 years, and it took me a long time to crawl out of that and save myself. I now live with my parents in PA, and my 2 girls, ages 4 and 8. I had a lawyer draw up divorce papers, but stbx has not been served yet. I had to wait 6 months for residency here, and it's taken me awhile to save up the money. Child support has been sporadic, we don't have a custody agreement, and stbx has limited supervised visitation until he takes a drug test. He claims he is clean, but i left in December 2015 and he is stalling bc he doesn't think he will pass the test yet. My car is in his name, it's insured, but not inspected because it has VA plates (I have to go to VA to do that.). I think it will make the trip. I have not received any child support in September, but i have enough money to make the round trip. He said he will have cash for me when i get there, but 2 weeks ago he was very mad that i wouldn't let him use my credit for a $200 cash advance. Speaking of my credit, i found out after i left that he had taken out a bunch of credit in my name and then stopped paying any of it. When i file for divorce, i'm also filing for fraud.

The catalyst for me finally finding the "balls" to leave, was that i was sleeping in a separate room/in house separation. We were not sleeping together and had not been for 2 months. I woke up in the middle of the night to him on top of me, he assaulted me and i feel like i escaped rape by the skin of my teeth. He left in a rage. I packed up the kids and lit out of there to my parents house, and told them everything i had been keeping to myself out of a sense of false shame.

Anyway. the question.
My mother in law ( his mom) died on Saturday (sept 25th). She had been sick for a while, but i only discovered she was dying of cancer about a month ago. When the girls were born, we all lived in the same town in VA and I spent a lot of time with his parents. His mom was a great lady. Her funeral is Wednesday. Both girls will miss a day of school to go. It's a 6 hour trip, so 12 hours round trip.
He will be there, and has recently broke up with the girlfriend he had been cheating on me with while we were still married. His family has been urging him to get me back. They are not close, and most of them don't know 90% of the backstory. His mom knew it all, but she's gone now. He has been emailing me constantly. One day he's getting back with his gf. One day he loves me. His emails are pushy, demanding, manipulative. full of "ive changed, i'm clean and sober, and i love you" baloney, but clearly not.

The girls want to go, and they want to see their dad and their cousins. I feel like if i say no, then i'm the bad guy who drove a wedge between them and the family. Everyone else is local. The stbx recently moved to the DC area and has a 3 hour trip. He formerly lived in PA and worked across the state line in Baltimore. I assume his promotion/move is behind their breakup, and now he is laser focused on me, the back up plan/doormat. Also, if we got back together, he wouldn't have to pay cs, and he neatly escapes credit card fraud as well.

I usually insist that he can only come for visitation when my dad is here. My dad can't come with me to the funeral (work). My mom has offered to come with me. STBX hates my mother, and has expressed his hatred of her on more than one occasion. i don't let him visit if only she is here, because i don't think his misogyny would allow him to leave if she told him to.

i'm so torn. If it were just me, i wouldn't go. But the kids... she is their grandmother, and while my youngest has only met her a few times, my oldest spent LOTS of time at their house and they were very close. Her nanny used to watch her while i worked. She is very sad that nanny is gone.
I feel like this is a soap opera. My ex is a drama llama to the core and loves to create upheaval. It seems to be a family trait. Thinking of being there with all of them makes me cringe. There are 6 surviving siblings, plus the ex, and a half dozen adult cousins/nieces etc.

Go? or don't go? so conflicted. the funeral is this Wednesday (sept 28th)


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## Sammy64 (Oct 28, 2013)

I would be the bigger person in this, and take your daughters to the service... Dont hang out afterwards, say your good by's and GO!! make sure he gets to see the girls first thought...


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Go. Set some boundaries for yourself and do not allow yourself to be sucked into the madness. 

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Hmm, I don't think I would go under the circumstances unless you really think you can ignore him. He's going to use the opportunity to harass you and your mental health and well being is far more important for your daughters then going to the funeral. 

Do you have a male friend or relative that can go with you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

lifeistooshort said:


> Hmm, I don't think I would go under the circumstances unless you really think you can ignore him. He's going to use the opportunity to harass you and your mental health and well being is far more important for your daughters then going to the funeral.
> 
> Do you have a male friend or relative that can go with you?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


no, I had a few in mind, but no one can take off work except for my alcoholic youngest brother, who stbx doesn't respect and who isn't reliable.

And yes, i'm certain that he is planning on harassing me and using his family to help. : (


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Go! But, for added security, take other of your family members with you!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

sixty-eight said:


> no, I had a few in mind, but no one can take off work except for my alcoholic youngest brother, who stbx doesn't respect and who isn't reliable.
> 
> And yes, i'm certain that he is planning on harassing me and using his family to help. : (


Don't go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tripod (Jun 18, 2016)

Send flowers. Have your kids help pick them out online. Have them make a card to send as well. That way they can participate and feel good about saying bye to grandma. 

If you go, you place yourself in physical jeopardy. YOur ex will likely get loaded and under the pressure of his mom's death, who knows what he is capable of doing. Giving your kids the opportunity to play with cousins and say good bye "in person" to nana just isn't worth the risk. 

He's shown you what he is. Believe him.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

For the children, yes. 

You definitely need another adult along. If one isn't available then rethink going.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

sixty-eight said:


> no, I had a few in mind, but no one can take off work except for my alcoholic youngest brother, who stbx doesn't respect and who isn't reliable.
> 
> And yes, i'm certain that he is planning on harassing me and using his family to help. : (


Ok, so if you think he'll harass you then take a strong male with you (and not just physically strong; someone that emits a strong alpha male personality). If you're not able to do this, then don't go. (your youngest brother isn't the right choice)


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

arbitrator said:


> *Go! But, for added security, take other of your family members with you!*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





Openminded said:


> For the children, yes.
> 
> You definitely need another adult along. If one isn't available then rethink going.


The only adult available is my mother. We are not delicate flowers, we are strong women.

But he is a misogynistic abuser, with a power and control dynamic. Dilemma.

He is supposed to be clean and sober right now. He is in some kind of therapy, and is on anti-anxiety meds. But they keep changing his meds, and he is all over the place.


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

tripod said:


> Send flowers. Have your kids help pick them out online. Have them make a card to send as well. That way they can participate and feel good about saying bye to grandma.
> 
> If you go, you place yourself in physical jeopardy. YOur ex will likely get loaded and under the pressure of his mom's death, who knows what he is capable of doing. Giving your kids the opportunity to play with cousins and say good bye "in person" to nana just isn't worth the risk.
> 
> He's shown you what he is. Believe him.


i really like this idea. While he is not a big drinker, and i don't think he will get loaded, he is a substance abuser in recovery. I wouldn't be surprised if he's using, or abusing his regular meds.

I *love* the flowers instead idea. ty : )


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## Sammy64 (Oct 28, 2013)

Sending flowers is not the same as being there.. I understand about the issues with your Ex, but do it for the kids.. They asked, at least you should try and go.. Set your boundary's and make it know to everyone that counts


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

I think you have bad vibes about going and need to listen to your instinct. 


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

Your kids are 4 and 8.

I was 8 when my much beloved grandpa died. I remember nothing about his funeral, the graveside or the people there. I remember everything about the good times we had together.

68 your kids will not remember her funeral but they will remember her.

Why put them in the middle of a tempest?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Absurdist said:


> Your kids are 4 and 8.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




YES!!! 10,000 times over!


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

yeah, i was on the fence still, until tonight. STBX facetimed the kids and decided it would be appropriate to yell across the room to arrange the next visitation. When i called, "email me" he flipped out and told the kids that mommy is a liar and mommy doesn't want daddy to see them ever. And then i had to get up and hang up on him, and then the kids cried....

And then he sent me all kind of bs over email that my lawyer and I aren't helping him get his drug testing over with quicker, and how angry he is about that and the fact that i won't consider getting back together. 

I'm not doing that in public in front of family and friends and the kids. He was all sweaty and wild eyed.
If my dad could have gone with me, that would be different. But he can't.
We will stay home and send flowers.

Thanks everyone!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You might also help your kids write a letter to their grandma's family about what they loved about her. And send those letters with your flowers.

That said, not sure who the flowers would go to, but if it's to someone you know and like, you might consider arranging to have a tree planted in their yard or in a park in honor of her.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Instead of going..... send the flowers, and a sweet note from the kids. Then maybe do something sweet in Grandma's honor. Go on a picnic, or bake cookies and donate them, volunteer to feed the homeless..... something. Or have an "all about Grandma day" and let the girls decide what to do and how to honor their grandma. 

Just some ideas.

Do not go.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Don't go. Use the flowers and cards idea instead.

Go in a week or two when a dependable male relative can accompany you, and don't leave his sight when in the presence of your STBX.

Don't announce your trip to your ex more than 2-3 days before leaving. In the meantime, don't say or do anything to give him, the kids, or anyone else (other than the aforementioned male relative) the impression that you'll be making the trip at all. This has the added benefit of ensuring that his meddlesome family will be less likely to be available to... well, meddle during your visit.

Establish ground rules -- when you do tell him that you're coming, also tell him in very clear terms that there will be no reconciliation, and that any mention of reconciliation will result in a sharply abbreviated visit.

Your safety is PARAMOUNT and trumps _all other concerns_ at play here.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Yes, go.

Take your mother.

Take a voice recorder with you. Go to "Best Buy" and get one for 60 bucks.

Stay out in the open, always around people, never anywhere were he could comfortably do you harm.

Stay a few minutes, sign the guest book, give your condolences, say a prayer at her coffin or urn and leave.

Never dishonor the dead......else, it will haunt you all your upright days.


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## Seasong (Mar 1, 2012)

Hi!

So sorry in this time of loss, there is no peace for you. If you choose to stay at home you can send the flowers with the cards, as well as what was suggested about planting a tree or something to honor grandma. 
Your mental safety as well as physical is important and extra drama isn't needed there. You can honor her in your own way. When my great aunt died and I couldn't attend, I grieved but never felt I missed out. We planted a flowering bush that looks like a tree and it's as tall as the roof overhang and so beautiful. It's in bloom now and just gorgeous.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

SunCMars said:


> Yes, go.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




No no no. This simply is not true in certain circumstances. 


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

SE, his actions are right out of the abusers handbook. Alternate between abuse and love bombs and see if you can wear them down. 

You should know that well.

He's searching for a tactic that works with you and is frustrated that he can't find one. 

And he's already demonstrated that he doesn't actually give a sh!t about his daughters except to the extent he can use them as leverage over you. 

Do not go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

If this were just a normal breakup / divorce I'd say go - show yourself to be above his petty complaints. But he is abusive and dangerous and that changes things. I like the suggestion above of sending flowers. It shows that you hold no grudge against his family.


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