# Recovering from an emotional affair



## YoungCZ (Apr 14, 2018)

I have been married to my wife for 6 years and together for 9 years. I just recently caught her in an emotional affair. It was with someone she has been friends with for several years. She has always texted with him but the frequency of the texts and sexual comments and flirting became bad for two months before I caught it. She swears nothing physical happened or was going to happen, but I definitely feel it was headed down that road. He is also married by the way. She immediately deleted her Facebook account, blocked his number, and said this was a huge wake up call and wants to make things work with us. After blocking his number, I still checked phone records and he texted her 14 times with no response. I finally texted him to not contact her anymore and told him she would no longer be responding. I feel she has done everything she can to make things better, but I am having a really hard time trusting her. I've gotten bad anxiety and depression from all of his, as we also have a 4 year old daughter. Not sure how to get past this.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

As to be expected. Takes a lot of time to get over stuff like this. What makes you so sure it was only text? Cheaters lie and they are very good at it. Why did the relationship change all of the sudden? Are sure this isn't a long term thing? 

What has your wife done to change. She wants to make things work with you? Unh-uh, you worked, she did. Unless you are not telling us the whole story, this is NOT a problem in your marriage it's a problem of her character. People like your wife don't really change until the make a life changing effort. White knuckling it doesn't fix the problem, maybe temporary but they need to do the work. She needs to change her thinking. Until then she is NOT a good choice. Get your wife the book. "Not just friends" make her read it, it's the least she can do. That should be the starting point and if I were you that would be a requirement. I would let her know that you haven't made up your mind yet. Don't make this easy on her. This not a time to protect her. She needs some consequence for her actions. 

Tell his wife, it will give you another set of eyes to hold her accountable. 

This is a hard thing. Sounds like you don't have kids, DON'T - until you are sure you are able to get over it and she is safe.


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## YoungCZ (Apr 14, 2018)

I don't know it was only text which certainly makes it difficult. I can only go by what she is aying and what I read in text conversations. She said her relationship changed with him because of our lack of communication. He was giving her attention she thought she was lacking.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Marriage counselling and individual counselling for her.

His wife needs to know.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Like Matt said, get a counselor! 

Till then, this guide may help you better than white knuckling it. 

NOT "Just Friends"

Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity


Best


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

EAs hurt as much as PAs. With flirty/sexual stuff, the intention is there - might as well be a PA. Were they going to sext forever? It stopped because you caught her not because she wanted to. I did R after EA & left after 3 years. I realised I'd wonder if it would happen again in 5, 10, 20 years & I'd be on alert/monitor forever. What we had was gone. I wish I'd left after 12 months, sooner actually. Life's too short, kids or not. 

You're anxious, depressed & feel vulnerable. This is what she has done to you. I think getting past it is helped by BS taking control and feeling in charge of their life by doing the following. May sound like hardball, it's not. Make her fully experience the consequences. 

WS always have an excuse & usually blame BS. So yours is textbook. 
-Don't accept any responsibility whatsoever. Tell her not to put you at fault & that she could have discussed it with you instead of sexting etc OM. 

-Don't fall the 'it was harmless & wouldn't have led to anything'. Tell her that's bull**** & that she didn't stop it, you did. Ask her were they going to sext forever. Tell her your trust was broken, it has turned your life upside-down, you now have anxiety & depression & she put your daughter's secure home at risk. 

-Expose her. Tell friends & family she's no longer friends with OM because they were sexting. 

-Tell her you'll give R 12 months max. Don't waste more time than that on it. After 12 months, maybe even 6, if I still didn't have 100% trust (there's no such thing as 95% trust, it's like being pregnant or not), if I still felt unhappy/depressed/anxious & still felt the need to monitor, I'd leave. Even if she's truly remorseful, it's no good unless you feel 100% secure & OK. 

-Tell OM's wife as someone said above. She needs to know. Wouldn't you want to know? 

-Keep posting. Posters will be give you valuable insights along the way.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Unless this man lives on Saturn, it's likely *a lot more than an EA*.

A lot more.

Your wife is just lucky you didn't find evidence of more. That way, she can play it off like she was going down a slippery slope but YOU stepped in - her hero!! - and stopped the madness and she's *SO* relieved to have been given this wake up call! 

This woman couldn't BE any more cliche if she tried.

There's more to the story.

There's *ALWAYS *more to the story.

Keep digging.

You'll see.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

I am going to suggest that as a final nail in the affair's coffin, you require that your wife take and pass a polygraph. That should put any fears to rest and as a consequence it is unbeatable. If there is something that has been left unsaid, it will come out, generally in the parking lot. The questions should be: Is this her only affair? Did she have intercourse, oral or vaginal with AP? If so, was protection used? Has she talked to AP since Dday?


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

I agree with @Taxman fully, polygraph her especially if she can meet OM. Emotional affairs are very damaging, I’m sure she put you down to OM, trust is very difficult to earn back. Hopefully you know that you do need to inform om’s Wife so she can make it so he has no time to contact your wife. Offer to send the texts if OM tells his wife it was nothing. As for your own wife, she needs consequences to understand what she could lose. Put her in a spare bedroom, when she commits fully to reconciliation she can come back to your room WHEN YOU ARE READY. This gives her a consequence and let’s her know what she is about to lose. 

It sounds as if your wife wants to commit to reconciliation, but is she willing to do the hard work? What if communication breaks down again? How does she cope? What if another guy begins to communicate and make her feel good? Does she tell you? Is she being transparent, showing you her phone, all accounts and passwords? These are all things you will need to move forward with reconciliation. If you need more help just let me know.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> His wife needs to know.


 @YoungCZ
This!
:iagree:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

YoungCZ said:


> I don't know it was only text which certainly makes it difficult. I can only go by what she is aying and what I read in text conversations. She said her relationship changed with him because of our lack of communication. He was giving her attention she thought she was lacking.


It sounds like you caught her EA before it went physical. That's good. It's good that she stopped all contact with him.

There are some books that I think would help you. 

"Surviving" and affair by Dr. Harley. This will give you info on how a person like your wife slips into an EA a little bit at a time. Think of the old boiling a frog analogy.

Then here are two books to help you and your wife restructure your marriage to void this sort of thing every happening again and to rebuild the trust and passion between you. Read them together, in this order and both of you do the work they say to do.. together.

"Love Busters"
"His Needs, Her Needs"

Both of these books are also written by Dr. Harley.


.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Polygraphs are a waste of money. They are wrong about as often as they are right. So after the polygraph, you still don't know the truth.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Please take time and listen to what everyone says here and weigh it with what you get from friends and family.

In the case where it seems like she if fully remorseful and seems to be engaged in Reconciliation, that will take a long time to figure out. I don't believe in scorched earth exposure.

At this point, I would recommend;
- Couples Counseling ASAP
- Telling your closest friends and family that you know will keep it between you and can offer you the most guidance and help, don't be ashamed but I wouldn't tell every soul right now. Maybe a handful of people you can count on.
- Exposure to his wife. Your wife will assuredly not want this and most likely be angry and it will seem counterproductive but you NEED to this. Not only will he be locked up with trying to save his own marriage, he won't have much time right now to intrude in on yours. His wife has a right to know and then will be your eyes and ears on that side and may uncover more that you didn't know. Her knowing also will bring out the best or worst in your wife and this situation, it will bring the true result to a head.

Chances are this was more than emotional and like others have said, this didn't end because she blocked him. This ended because you found out. 

You have to watch yourself, listen with every sense you have, trust your gut. The immediate reactions are to rugsweep and take her initial reactions for Gospel but sadly what we find out, the week after discovery or a few weeks after, is when the true emotions come out. This is when people take affairs to different locations, channels and more underground. I hope this is not the case but well more often than not, the first discovery of the affair is far from the end of it.

Get a plan together for yourself but also to tell his wife. With respect, with care and do it soon!


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Polygraphs are a waste of money. They are wrong about as often as they are right. So after the polygraph, you still don't know the truth.......



Maybe so.....but she is likely to spill the beans before walking in the room


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Mr.Married said:


> Polygraphs are a waste of money. They are wrong about as often as they are right. So after the polygraph, you still don't know the truth.......
> 
> 
> 
> *Maybe so.....but she is likely to spill the beans before walking in the room*


*
*

That and her willingness/eagerness to take one to prove her innocence is the true value of a poly.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

YoungCZ said:


> After blocking his number, I still checked phone records and he texted her 14 times with no response. daughter. .


This means he is still trying to continue the A with her. If he is trying to get in contact with her, he will eventually find a way even if she has blocked his phone and facebook etc. 

When she sees what he has gone through and seen the effort he took to get in contact with her, she will see that as proof of their love and his devotion etc to her. 

This is one of the major reasons why you need to divulge this to his wife. Once his wife has this info, it will likely put him on the defensive and his time and energy will be spent putting out the fire in his own house and will stop pursuing your wife. 

Your wife will see that as him throwing her under the bus and abandoning her and that will be her actual "wake up call" that their A was not all rainbows and unicorns that she thinks it is. 

Don't threaten to tell his wife. Don't talk to her about it. Don't threaten him about and give him a chance to fabricate stories and such. Just go all Nike and just do it.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

The worry here is the 'many' year friendship.

Many years, many days and nights, many opportunites.

Both parties, after many years, are already on 'intimate' terms.

He was her second husband.

And she concealed this from you, hid her feelings from you, not from him.

His, were the more important feelings. It seems.

No, they were.



TRQ-


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> Polygraphs are a waste of money. They are wrong about as often as they are right. So after the polygraph, you still don't know the truth.


Sorry Ele... This is wrong. I am in a field where we use them. 

No, they are not perfect, and yes someone who is well trained can beat a poly. 

But in the case of infidelity, with a normal person, they work. They either point out complete deception, show possible deception, or prompt a parking lot confession. 

No they are not perfect in any way, but they do work.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

For those not in agreement with the polygraph from the standpoint of veracity, I come at it from the standpoint of psychological warfare. If the wayward THINKS that a polygraph will expose them, then they will voluntarily confess beforehand. I have had a few tell me that they got the whole story as they arrived at the test center. One lady said that her husband failed to show up, just sent her a text confessing and letting her know that he would voluntarily leave their home if she so desired. (She did)

I am also in agreement that our OP should have a word or two with the AP. Get him to toss her under the bus. Get a recorded breakup where he puts the blame on her, calls her a few choice names, makes fun of her (one client had the AP say the one thing that he knew would cut his wife to the core-the AP laughed at how FAT she was, referred to her as a whale, and said his days of chubby chasing are at an end-he played it for his wife, and she spent the next six hours puking, crying and having a massive meltdown-her husband followed it up with: Guess that is another thing he did for you that I didn't-carry insulting thoughts about you-you were just a WHALE OF AN EASY LAY to him)


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Total trust in ANYONE is an invitation to eventual pain and betrayal. It is not logical to think that a person will never lie, never betray, never change over the years, and always react the way you hope they will to every situation. Trust but verify, Never disregard a red flag. A little ripple on the water can be a tiny, insignificant bug on the surface or a huge life changing creature just under the surface.

You need to be comfortable that you have the entire truth before you decide what to do. How can you forgive if you don't know what you are forgiving?

If AP lives near you, you have to consider the possibility that they hooked up.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

@YoungCZ , 

The first thing that you need to understand is this. She is lying about something. 

If your wife and the OM were in any type of proximity where it is even remotely possible that they could meet up.... Well guess what. THEY HAD SEX. If it has been going on for a while, THEY HAD SEX FOR A WHILE, WILD MONKEY SEX, AND A LOT OF IT. 

If this is case, proximity, she is lying, they all say that, they all swear that it was not physical, and most of the time, they are lying. 

Listen to what the people are saying here. You have a lot to learn...


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

YoungCZ:

You have to be willing to lose your marriage to save it. You have to totally get her attention and make her believe this. So....

1. *Visit* with a lawyer. Free consultation. *I wouldn't hide this from her*.

2. *Timeline.* She writes down everything. It will be checked by polygraph.

3. *Polygraph.* The US Government uses them.

4. *No sex* till this is settled to your satisfaction. Get her and yourself STD tested. This shows how serious you are.

5. *Inform* the other betrayed spouse.

6. *DNA* your child. Let her know you are doing this.

7. *180.*

8. *No-Contact letter* edited by you and sent to OM. You may have to send a cease and desist letter through your lawyer since he hasn't gotten the message.

9. *Stay calm* in all discussions with her. Have a written agenda including:
a.) your questions.
b). your demands.
c). what actions will she take on her own?

10. *Under no circumstances*, beg, try to change her mind, or try to reason with her. *NEVER DO THE "PICK ME" DANCE.* *It never works.* It only makes you look weak and loses her respect for you.

11. *Women respect Strength, Courage, & Decisiveness*. Be strong. Be Courageous. Be Decisive! Good Luck!


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

*Wow, that is the most concise post...*



skerzoid said:


> YoungCZ:
> 
> You have to be willing to lose your marriage to save it. You have to totally get her attention and make her believe this. So....
> 
> ...


Wow, that is the most concise post... and totally correct, totally spot on. 

Really good work @skerzoid!!!!


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

YoungCZ said:


> She said her relationship changed with him because of our lack of communication. He was giving her attention she thought she was lacking.


"She said her relationship changed with him because she has weak boundaries and felt entitled. Instead of working on communication with me, she started cheating with him. He was giving her the attention she thought she deserved and she wrongly shifted the blame for her betrayal to me."

There. I fixed it for you.


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## YoungCZ (Apr 14, 2018)

Thank you all for the responses thus far. This is incredibly difficult. I'm hearing a lot of people saying tell the other wife. I do agree I would want to know, I just don't want stress and drama from this other guy, I just want him gone and to focus on my marriage.

Where does one get a poly? Not sure how my wife would react to me asking this, but I'm definitely interested.

I did know this guy. We went to his wedding, we went out as a group multiple times. My wife tells me she has only been out with him in groups and has never been anywhere with him one on one.

Thanks again for all the responses


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Here what you need to understand —

Physical proximity means physical affair.

Perform data recovery on her phone.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

OP, you said that those texts got very bad. What are the contents that made it bad? You need to tell his wife. You also said that you don't want any drama from this guy. Are you afraid of him? You need to put pressure at his end & that means knowledge given to his wife. Since they are friends for this long, if they are sexting, I doubt if this is only an emotional affair.


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## Stillasamountain (Jan 13, 2014)

YoungCZ said:


> Thank you all for the responses thus far.



Honestly, you can’t do better than skerzoid's list.

She needs to fully understand that even if it was "only" an EA, she has put her marriage and family at grave risk.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

YoungCZ said:


> Thank you all for the responses thus far. This is incredibly difficult. I'm hearing a lot of people saying tell the other wife. I do agree I would want to know, I just don't want stress and drama from this other guy, I just want him gone and to focus on my marriage.
> 
> Where does one get a poly? Not sure how my wife would react to me asking this, but I'm definitely interested.
> 
> ...


First off, if you are scared of this guy, your marriage is over, you lost. Do you understand that? 

You don't need her permission to tell his wife, and you sure as hell don't need his permission, so man up already. You tell his wife for at least 2 reasons, 1) She deserves to know just like you did, while he is dealing with his wife, he will tend to forget your wife. And 2) His wife's story may actually wake you up to the fact that your wife is sleeping with another man and you don't seem to get that. Proximity equals sex in almost every situation. 

Those are just 2 reasons. So WAKE THE F*** UP ALREADY.

Second off, you are already being weak. Let me explain why: You do not ASK her to take a polygraph, YOU FU***** tell her or you file for divorce. Get it? She does not have rights as far as the marriage goes, the only right she has it to divorce you now, otherwise you make the rules. 

If she won't take a poly, then you have your answer, now don't you. 

So get on the internet and search for polygraph testing in your area, and it will cost a few bucks and it will be worth every penny. 

Next, make a copy or forward all texts the your wife has sent to the other man, to your email account and print them out for his wife. 

By the way, have you run the Dr Phone software on her phone to recover all of the texts that she deleted? I'll but not, well then get started. 

Meet the OM Wife in person with your evidence and have a talk with her about what she knows. 

Listen, so far, you are being a weak beta boy, time to be a man. Nut up and get it done. 

This is what you are going to find out. She has probably been sleeping with him the whole time "You noticed a difference"... How long ago was that? 3 Months, 6 Months, how long? Well when you noticed the difference is when she started sleeping with him. I will bet something was off with your sex life as well but you have not realized it yet!!!

You need to wake up. This is not almost over, it is just getting started!!!


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

*Re: Wow, that is the most concise post...*



BluesPower said:


> Wow, that is the most concise post... and totally correct, totally spot on.
> 
> Really good work @skerzoid!!!!


Thanks, that means a lot.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

I am no means a VET and the vets know how much I dropped the ball over the last year in my situation but the one thing I'm afraid of for OP in these situations is that so much **** is being thrown at him at once it can be overwhelming and none of it gets done or it gets cobbled. 

I don't think you have to go scorched earth off the bat, you can do things that are most effective and will get you where you need to be in phases.

This is what I think we can all agree on, I think ....

- chances are this is deeper than you have been told and can imagine. What she has told you and what you have found out is probably a 1/3 of it. If you could give us the context on some of the 'worst' messages, we can probably decode it a bit.

- Trust nothing of what she says right now and only half of what you see her doing

- For so many reasons, the OM's wife HAS to know. It's not vindictive, it's not out of vengeance, it's out of fricken necessity! You don't realize how hard it will be for him to pursue on his end of the affair if he has his wife breathing down his neck and blowing up his ****. 

- without telling your wife, see if you find out more information on the down low. We can help you with that. Does she use a computer, iphone, do you have a shared wireless plan? If you list what devices and programs she uses, social media, etc. PM me if you want with that info and I can give you some ideas on what to try.

- Exposure to others is important but you don't have to cast a wide net yet but you need to cast quickly. If you have a close relationship with someone that she will listen to and take advice from, those would be good targets. Her parents, siblings, etc. Make sure others know so they can help guide you and become a 'check' for you as well so you can measure if you are crazy on some things. So many times my STbxW was so good at manipulation and gaslighting and not thinking anything was wrong with what she was doing, I had to ask myself if I was crazy and blowing this out of proportion. 

All of the advice from the Vets is good stuff and they know what the Hell they are talking about but I don't want you to get overwhelmed and drop everything because it seems like too much. Tackle the basics and go from there. To me, exposure to the other man's wife, is much more reasonable and effective than a polygraph.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

YoungCZ said:


> *I do agree I would want to know, I just don't want stress and drama from this other guy, I just want him gone and to focus on my marriage*.


Noooo OP. Please tell OM's wife. C'mon. Be fair, you guys were even at their wedding. It may get you to the truth also so do it for YOU as well. Why be afraid of this jerk? Your BS will be very pleased if you don't tell OM's wife. It will make it a lot easier on her. 



YoungCZ said:


> *Where does one get a poly? Not sure how my wife would react to me asking this, but I'm definitely interested*.


Oh gosh OP, it doesn't matter what she thinks. If she doesn't agree, you don't have the truth.

*Don't let this thread go to 90 pages. * Look at ScubaSteve's 98 pages: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...wife-might-cheating.html?highlight=scubasteve It always does with trickle truth. Most posters think your WS's A went PA. They have good noses for this stuff & have been through it.

To get the truth you can also download DIY divorce papers from the net. Fill them out. She won't even look at them. CALMLY sit down, place them on the table & say you want the 100% truth NOW & if you find out later she lied, you'll divorce her immediately with no more dialogue. It worked a treat for my friend. 

The first thing you need right now, for your SANITY & ASAP is the truth. Only then can you start R. I didn't get the truth until after 2 yrs of R. Then I left him, having wasted 2 yrs of my life on a liar & a jerk. I don't want the same thing to happen to you. Show her your strength & she won't stuff you around again. Guaranteed.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Taxman said:


> For those not in agreement with the polygraph from the standpoint of veracity, I come at it from the standpoint of psychological warfare. If the wayward THINKS that a polygraph will expose them, then they will voluntarily confess beforehand. I have had a few tell me that they got the whole story as they arrived at the test center. One lady said that her husband failed to show up, just sent her a text confessing and letting her know that he would voluntarily leave their home if she so desired. (She did)
> 
> I am also in agreement that our OP should have a word or two with the AP. Get him to toss her under the bus. Get a recorded breakup where he puts the blame on her, calls her a few choice names, makes fun of her (one client had the AP say the one thing that he knew would cut his wife to the core-the AP laughed at how FAT she was, referred to her as a whale, and said his days of chubby chasing are at an end-he played it for his wife, and she spent the next six hours puking, crying and having a massive meltdown-her husband followed it up with: Guess that is another thing he did for you that I didn't-carry insulting thoughts about you-you were just a WHALE OF AN EASY LAY to him)


Taxman has some damn good stories


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I read your three pages of replies...

Things I gleaned that I think you should particularly listen to:

1do not try to protect her.
2 do not rugsweep like you are attempting to do. Why do I say this : your quote:
“I do agree I would want to know, I just don't want stress and drama from this other guy, I just want him gone and to focus on my marriage.”. I am very concerned about your attitude. It’s one that most betrayed spouses want—- to just get things back to normal and get over the pain.
It will NOT work that way.

3. Tell the affair partner’s wife. That’s a must if you want to save your marriage.

4 you don’t know the truth, only what you’ve been told by a lying cheater. Make no mistake, that’s what she is. Blameshifting like she is doing is classic. 
Accept no blame. Find the truth. Google your city and polygraph service.

5. Unlikely you caught this before it went physical. Possible. Unlikely.
Far more greater odds it was already. 

6. Emotional affairs, which I think it was an EA and PA, matters not. They are equally as damaging. Why? Once a woman falls in love with another man, she’s almost invariably no longer in love with her husband. Just because she says she is matters not. She may still love the security her relationship with you Provided. Basically she doesn’t want her life together have to start over.

7. Famous, yet accurate quote here at TAM: you have to be willing to lose your marriage t save it.

Don’t think this is a small thing, that was stopped in time to fix . It may not be. Because if your wife loved you like you loved her, this wouldn’t have happened.

Give her some consequences. I’d polygraph her and if refused, would serve her papers.
Once she cheated, your marriage was gone. That’s the truth. Whether it can be rebuilt depends on whether she is still in love with you. One thing is for certain: you playing the pick me dance and being good to her—- that will fail guaranteed. 
Your best chance at saving your marriage is to be strong, be firm, be unemotional. Make her believe in her heart that she has lost YOU.
See how she reacts. If she doesn’t make some major changes in her attitude and really try to fight for YOU, you’d be better off divorcing her.

Sorry. It’s the truth.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

Remember this OM is still trying to 
contact your wife for a reason. What did
your wife to do encourage this? She may tell
you that they were always out together in a 
group and never alone.What about afterwards?
A lot of things can happen in parked cars. Kissing,
hugging, groping,hands and tongues in different 
places. She may not think this is physical cheating but how about you?
She must have done something to encourage 
him, that something more could happen ? You could have 
her restore her face book account just so you could see it.
She can always delete it again. If you do as GUS said 
data recovery her phone check for deleted apps also.


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## YoungCZ (Apr 14, 2018)

I have tried two different data recovery tools and neither one recovered their texting thread. Is there one I should be looking for or that anyone knows will work for sure?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

alte Dame said:


> "She said her relationship changed with him because she has weak boundaries and felt entitled. Instead of working on communication with me, she started cheating with him. He was giving her the attention she thought she deserved and she wrongly shifted the blame for her betrayal to me."
> 
> There. I fixed it for you.


Remind me to never... to..

Never to bring Red Dog your' way.

I would hate, him hating more, for you to fix his spelling, to re-arrange his dik-shun.
For you to lop off his dangling modifier.

Just Sayin'


The Host-


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Which ones did you try? Is it an iPhone?


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

YoungCZ said:


> I have tried two different data recovery tools and neither one recovered their texting thread. Is there one I should be looking for or that anyone knows will work for sure?


This is bad. It could mean a lot of things. 

Is she smart enough to wipe a phone? 

Dr. Phone or Drfone (not sure how to spell it) almost always works. 

How much of their texts were you able to read when you first caught her? In general, how long was that thread (in days and number of texts). 

How many other text threads were on the phone with her other friends and you? What were the dates of those threads?

If she was able to periodically wipe the phone, then they were texting a lot.

How long did she say that the affair went on? 

Did she have any other apps like snap chat or other "texting" apps on her phone? 

If dr fone did not work, then she really knows what she is doing. 

And the other thing is you need to look for a burner phone that she may have hidden somewhere that she can get to it easily but you would not look. 

I am afraid that this one is going to turn out real bad for you. 

Along with everything everyone has already said, Why do you think he tried to contact her 14 times after she stopped responding? 

It was not because s and stolen glances at group functions, I can assure you of that. 

I think you are going to need to plant a VAR in her car and anywhere around the house where she might talk when you are not around.

When you find out that they have been sleeping together for a while, what are you going to do, you may as well think about that...


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

YoungCZ said:


> Thank you all for the responses thus far. This is incredibly difficult. I'm hearing a lot of people saying tell the other wife. I do agree I would want to know, I just don't want stress and drama from this other guy, I just want him gone and to focus on my marriage.


Sir you are operating under the impression that when his wife confronts him, he will turn on you. He will be too damn busy trying to keep his life, to worry about you. The fastest, surest way to end an affair is to expose it, both sides. He is really unlikely to pursue your wife, when he is ducking brickbats thrown by his wife. That , and his life will not be his own, unless he is a total piece of steaming shytte, he will be on his knees keeping his wife from burning him. I urge you to contact that wife post haste. It will serve two purposes, as your wife will see what that affair has done to two families. If she is out of the fog, the remorse will hit like a freight train. 

You came to TAM for our expertise in this matter. A fu ckload of us have been through this. We know how to address things in the early days. Read any thread here in the CWI forum. Check out other sites, it is a universal that you OWE it to the other spouse. She is operating under the assumption that her husband is faithful. He has put one over on her. Leaves him room to go after your wife again. Nobody is monitoring him. OUT HIM, he won't have the time.


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## Uselessmale (May 20, 2017)

EA doesn’t happen just by accident, she was missing something in the relationship, if not it wouldn’t have happened. MC for both of you. It sounds like she is willing to talk, but you have to be involved too. At least give it a try, if you want to stay married. Best wishes for you and her.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

SunCMars said:


> Remind me to never... to..
> 
> Never to bring Red Dog your' way.
> 
> ...


I have a very sharp red pencil.


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## Mizzbak (Sep 10, 2016)

YoungCZ,
Sometimes we get so caught up in the shame that isn't ours that we end up trying to keep lies and secrets that aren't ours either. As though that will somehow make it possible for us to keep the life we had before. But that life doesn't exist anymore. Your friend betrayed his wife and you. Just as your wife betrayed both you and his wife. What both of them need and deserve is to be confronted by the CONSEQUENCES of their choices and behaviour. Without that, neither of them is likely to learn and change. 

It is very, very likely that your wife is only telling you a small part of what went on between them. It's called trickle truth and almost every one of us who have been betrayed went through it. The wayward spouse, even if they genuinely want to save their marriage, wants to minimise what they did as much as possible. That way they don't have to acknowledge the pain their behaviour caused, and they don't have to face up to what that behaviour tells them about their own character. Getting your wife to do a timeline and polygraph could be very helpful. Does she have Google timeline or something like that on her phone? Can you check where she has been, whether she took long lunches or came home from work later than usual? Does her work have timekeeping records? What about her credit card and online transactions? It can be tough to overwrite the normal trusting behaviour that we show towards our spouses, but she broke that in you. And she should see that she has. Even if nothing new is revealed by any of what you ask for.

Not only should you tell your friend's wife, but if you are all part of a close-knit group of friends, I would consider telling that group too. If your "friend" has a pattern of behaviour like this, he is likely to endanger other marriages. (Especially if his wife is never told.) I don't usually subscribe to public humiliation as punishment, but both he and your wife's behaviour has earned that. Remember that the shame of this isn't yours. Don't tie yourself up in emotional and moral knots trying to keep secrets that you had no part in creating. Cut out the cancer and make sure that it can never come back. Then work on healing yourself and deciding whether you want to work on healing your marriage.

FWIW, the husband of my husband's affair partner was the one who told me. And I will be forever grateful to him for that. 

I am sorry that you are here.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

YoungCZ said:


> Thank you all for the responses thus far. This is incredibly difficult. I'm hearing a lot of people saying tell the other wife. I do agree I would want to know, I just don't want stress and drama from this other guy, I just want him gone and to focus on my marriage.
> 
> Where does one get a poly? Not sure how my wife would react to me asking this, but I'm definitely interested.
> 
> ...


Cheaters always lie a lot. Always. Most BS's want to believe what their told. 

You want the other man out of your life inform his wife. You are making the critical mistake of helping hide their affair. That usually enables. Other man will see it as a sign of weakness on your part (which it is. It's your wife, family and future you'd better defend it) and continue his advances. You are now their coconspirator.

Better wake up and do what's needed without warning!!!!!


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

YoungCZ said:


> Thank you all for the responses thus far. This is incredibly difficult. I'm hearing a lot of people saying tell the other wife. I do agree I would want to know, I just don't want stress and drama from this other guy, I just want him gone and to focus on my marriage.
> 
> Where does one get a poly? Not sure how my wife would react to me asking this, but I'm definitely interested.
> 
> ...


In groups without you I am betting. Is it common for your wife to "go out" with groups? And go out to where? 

Ask her when and who else was part of the group. Sorry to say this is beginning to sound like a typical physical affair.

Google polygraphs in your area.

Tell the other wife. Quit letting fear control you.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

YoungCZ said:


> I have tried two different data recovery tools and neither one recovered their texting thread. Is there one I should be looking for or that anyone knows will work for sure?


Google top rated recovery systems. Fonelab used to be #1


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

YoungCZ, a few points from my POV:



Opposite sex friends are NEVER a good idea. Even if they are gay but especially not if they are straight (and married in this case). I know that a man will always be wondering if he can get in there without anyone knowing and eventually, even the most committed of wives will do the same. Men and women can never be close friends without it becoming something more.


No one should ever use the "we got into this because he was giving me the attention I lacked from you" or "he was giving me what I was not getting from you". He will always be giving you what I wasn't which is fresh illicit cheating attention - the type that sends a buzz right down there!


I wish for once cheaters (even emotional affair ones) would just say that "I was enjoying the buzz and kind of hoping I would get away with it. It was exciting and I do have loose boundaries and not enough will power when it comes to that type of opportunity (to me) or temptation (from your point of view)". See, this would be honest and be a starting point if you wanted to work on it. What you are working on now is fabricated blameshifting.


These affairs are always headed to going physical which in this case, there is a strong possibility it already had (opposite sex and straight, several years friendship and familiarity, lots of contact, lots of opportunity, secretly conversing and hiding the details, you caught her as opposed to her coming clean - just too many red flags). You should always approach the R phase as if she had cheated physically because, at the very least, the intent was there. So don't fall for that "it wasn't going to progress to anything" malarkey! Of course it was and she wanted it to.



How did you catch her ?


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

YoungCZ said:


> I just recently caught her in an emotional affair.


How did you catch her? In hindsight, were there any signs? Who is the guy? A friend? A friend from where?



YoungCZ said:


> the frequency of the texts and sexual comments and flirting became bad for two months before I caught it.


How could you tell that? The frequency - did she tell you when she was texting him but he is just a friend? Or was she hiding it from you and you saw it on your provider's account? And how did you know about the sexual comments and flirting? Did she do it in front of you or you saw enough of the texts to see it that way?



YoungCZ said:


> She swears nothing physical happened or was going to happen, but I definitely feel it was headed down that road.


If you saw enough of the contents of the texts, likely you would be able to see if she had been physical. Flirting and sexual innuendo is one thing, very detailed what I want to do to you and what I want you to do to me is another. I am guessing the ones you saw were the former rather than the latter? If two adults who are strongly attracted and in a romantic/sexual relationship (wouldn't you classify their relationship as romantic AND sexual in nature?), and they are in close proximity to each other, usually it doesn't take very long for them to give in to their temptations. If you saw a text like, "I can't wait for the first time," then I would believe they weren't having sex. If you have sexual messages but no evidence they consummated, then I wouldn't know for sure.

She has been lying to you by omission, maybe by commission, for at least two months. Day in, and day out, every time she talked to you, every morning when you woke up, every night when you went to bed, she was lying to you and there was deception blanketed over the two of your lives. Arguably, the other man knew more about her inner life than you did. She was doing things that are so upsetting to you that you came to a forum full of people, of whom you have no idea of their backgrounds, to ask question about your wife. If that isn't the definition of lack of trust, I don't know what is. She really earned that distrust, didn't she?

One point I am trying to get to is, you don't know her as much as you thought you did. You really can't look at her words and actions now and treat her the same you did before. Before, you would have trusted her no matter what, blindly. You thought you were in this together, thick or thin, and if there was a problem she would tell you. You really have to reconsider what you expect from her. This is what I see as possibly the biggest hurdle to reconcile, to see that you're basically dealing with a whole different person, like an alien in your wife's body. Your wife was loyal and honest, this alien who took over her body is unfaithful and lies like crazy.

About 995 out of a 1,000 cheaters lie, especially right of the bat whent they're caught (that's my estimate - but anyone here can read as many stories as they want and catalog the actual stats of how often they lie) - about the level of physicality, about how frequently, about the things they talked about, about when it started, about when it ended. Yes, she shut it down immediately. That is so easy. Granted, very few cheaters will do that immediately like yours did. But it is easy because it placates you, and she does not yet "miss" him. She was, according to her, getting a lot of stuff (needs? or wants?) from him, and not from you. And probably she's still not getting it from you, so soon enough, she will start to pine for him. Easy enough to contact him somehow without you knowing. But it's ok, because now that you're aware, I don't believe she can deceive you for long.

The best way I could see to end the affair, for good, is to tell the other man's wife. Let him throw your wife under the bus.

The polygraph is a tool. Just search online, it happens for infidelity all the time. I don't know if it's accurate or not. It's based on baseline "truth" biological indications against the questions that are in doubt. I read one study, it was done by students in a research project, and the things they lied about were of no significance. I question if the biological indications would be the same if telling a lie didn't matter much. If anyone is aware of a study of the accuracy of polygraph when the subjects' statements had a serious consequence, I'd love to read it. As it stands, I wouldn't necessarily trust the polygraph result, but by the same token, I definitely wouldn't trust someone who just lied to me for two months to get the truth, either. Based on how frequently cheaters lie when first getting caught (again, you can easily look it up yourself here), the polygraph has to be better than the cheater. Yeah, flipping a coin is better. The polygraph is a tool, just one that you have.

One of the best ways to get the truth is to tell the other man's wife. Just do it, don't warn her, don't warn him. See if the other man's wife can see texts. Sometimes the affair partner doesn't delete all the texts. Or pictures. Or videos.

Another way is to call the other man directly, hear his voice, and ask him to match up to your wife's claims.



YoungCZ said:


> I finally texted him to not contact her anymore and told him she would no longer be responding.


Why didn't you call him on the phone to tell him that? At his employment? Or his house? You really let him off the hook very easily. I don't know why.



YoungCZ said:


> Not sure how to get past this.


1. Most people want to know the basic truth. Any significant doubts makes it very, very difficult to "get past this." Actually, no one ever "gets past this." This is part of your history, it kind of changes the relationship forever, you now know something that you never knew before. It doesn't have to be all melodramatic, but I liken it to when you found out there was no Santa Claus. Christmas still could be a great day, but it's definitely not the same when you thought Santa was coming down the chimney. Same with your marriage. You know something that will change the way you look at it, at best, you will get used to that and it will become part of your life. 

2. If she DOES and says trustworthy things, for a very long time, you might trust her almost as much as you used to. Almost.

About the "attention" - most of the time, it's not the reason for the affair. It might be true, in a way. When you courted your wife, probably you were much more complimentary and focused in on her than you are now, with a young child and all the things of a young family, chores, finances, etc., you have to deal with in addition to romance and sex. To some degree, I do believe both spouses take each other for granted at some point. Then, the other guy comes along and starts "courting" her, and she likes it, and likes it more, and likes it a whole lot, and eventually ... Basically, she was happy enough, thought it was all good, until he came along and made her remember the new relatioship feelings like butterfiles. That might be why she never talked to you about the "attention," because she didn't really know she was missing it until he started giving it, and she didn't want that to stop.

But if she was the one who did the courting of him, then that's a whole different story. Much tougher to reconcile if she purposely sought out an affair.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

YoungCZ said:


> I'm hearing a lot of people saying tell the other wife. I do agree I would want to know, I just don't want stress and drama from this other guy, I just want him gone and to focus on my marriage.


He is already still coming around and trying to continue their A. That is stress and drama. 

If you inform his wife then his energies will go to focusing on his marriage as he tries to put out the fire in his own house. 

There is a 99.9% he will throw your wife under the bus once his wife finds out. 

When he throws her under bus, that is when her affair fog will be lifted and she will realize the gravity of the situation. 

Right now she is confident the OM will be there waiting for her so all she has to do is appease and placate you for awhile until you start to feel like things are back to normal and you start letting your guard down. She is thinking she will be able to take back up with him again once you have been placated enough. 

Once he throws her under the bus and she realizes one wrong move and she will be out in the cold with no one, she will sober up real fast and at least come to the negotiating table willing to face reality. 

Weakness and passivity is the super highway to getting chumped and manipulated and cheated on more. 

Strength and decisiveness are pathways to not getting walked on and played the fool.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

YoungCZ said:


> Not sure how my wife would react to me asking this, but I'm definitely interested.


Whether you do or whether you do not want to do a poly - this is completely the wrong attitude. 

She does not get to decide what you do and you do not ask her and you do not get her permission or play Mother May I,

She is the one who has fouled here and there for you make the decisions on whether you remain in this marriage or not and if you decide to try to reconcile this, you determine what facts and information you need to know to make that decision and you decide what it is that you need in order to move forward. 

Her option is either to comply with your requirements or walk. 

Stop *****footing and stop being a doormat afraid to upset the two cheaters.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

YoungCZ said:


> My wife tells me she has only been out with him in groups and has never been anywhere with him one on one.


People in affairs lie, deceive, rugsweep, gaslight and deflect blame. 

There is an easy way to tell if someone in an affair is lying or not - their lips are moving. 

Do your own investigation and fact finding without her knowledge or consent. Learn the truth.

Do not ask her anything you do not already know the answer to. 

Then if she does say something, corroborate that with facts. 

You are being chumped and played the fool here because you want to believe and you want things to be the way they were. 

You are duping yourself.


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## Lasvegas (Feb 20, 2018)

I hope she did not get any reason to cheat on you. If you do not take care of your spouse then someone else will.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Polygraphs are a waste of money. They are wrong about as often as they are right. So after the polygraph, you still don't know the truth.


But sometimes it gets a confession before it is taken.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Contact the OBS. Tell her that you caught your wife in an affair with her husband. Say your wife is giving you the run around and would appreciate her help in finding out how many times they were together. Then see what the OM tells her.


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## [email protected] (Apr 19, 2018)

My ex had an emotional affair with someone from his work, around 6 years ago, which involved him telling her he loved her and also kissing her. This went on for a long time before I found out. I threatened to leave but he pleaded me to not leave, so I didn’t. We have two girls which at the time were quite young. Part of me staying involved marriage counselling which definitely helped. I ended up forgiving, but not forgetting. It will always stay with you and eat away at you in regards to feeling inadequate and not good enough. 
We were going on ok but then last year he started messaging inappropriate emails to some other females at his work as a ‘bit of fun’. When I approached him he thought I was carrying on and I didn’t need to worry. It took him two months to completely stop with the messages. This lack of respect for me stirred up so many memories from the past, because you NEVER forget. Six weeks ago I left my husband of 15 years for no real reason apart from the fact that I shut down and put up a wall. I stopped loving myself because of the rejection I felt. 
Now back to you- speaking from experience, you never forget even if you can forgive. This will change you as a person as the self doubt creeps in. A big part of my leaving was because I didn’t want the girls to think that what was role modelled to them is what a marriage should be, because it wasn’t. How do you want your child to see you as a person in their eyes? The person who has the affair will never change, but the person you become because of the hurt and pain will definitely change the person you are now. Please think of long term and good luck. I feel for you.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

TDSC60 said:


> *Total trust in ANYONE is an invitation to eventual pain and betrayal.* It is not logical to think that a person will never lie, never betray, never change over the years, and always react the way you hope they will to every situation. Trust but verify, Never disregard a red flag. A little ripple on the water can be a tiny, insignificant bug on the surface or a huge life changing creature just under the surface.
> 
> You need to be comfortable that you have the entire truth before you decide what to do. How can you forgive if you don't know what you are forgiving?
> 
> If AP lives near you, you have to consider the possibility that they hooked up.


Say it ain't so, TDS60

There are some people you can totally trust. I will condition this by saying 'few' are trustful, not totally.....none!

Your' Momma was one.

Some men, some women are 'some'. I modified the noun making its so 'here'.

Some is reality, none is absence of reality. Be careful in using absolutes in life.

Your' bitter root is showing. 



TH-


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> Polygraphs are a waste of money. They are wrong about as often as they are right. So after the polygraph, you still don't know the truth.


Also people have beaten them. And they cost a lot of money.

Though the reason for a the polygraph is they yield the

PARKING LOT CONFESSION

And, that is what makes them priceless.


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

YoungCZ said:


> Thank you all for the responses thus far. This is incredibly difficult. I'm hearing a lot of people saying tell the other wife. I do agree I would want to know, I just don't want stress and drama from this other guy, I just want him gone and to focus on my marriage.
> 
> Where does one get a poly? Not sure how my wife would react to me asking this, but I'm definitely interested.
> 
> ...


This the reason that you expose the affair to the OMW. He will be to busy putting
out fires in his own house to break NC with you. Also his BW will be watching him
so close it will be to hard to break NC with your WW.

That makes it so much easier to and motivates him to find a new woman to be
his AP. You exposing the OM teaches him that he is better off not to break NC
with your WW.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Let me outline what happened when one of my partner's clients was exposed. He was carrying on with a co-worker. They were junior executives at a Fortune 500 company. They had bright futures. The co-worker's husband caught on, and went into detective mode, and had some reservations about handing his results over to the client's wife. Within a day or so, he realized that there were two parties betraying their spouses. So, he told the guy's wife. Best decision ever. She marched herself into HR the very next day. Demanded that BOTH be terminated immediately. Quick and decisive action. Her husband's tail was between his legs, and he went NC. Our client saw the difference in his wife immediately. She was shocked. Her world was in mid-implosion. He went further and exposed her to her family. Pretty much, he saw her be kicked out of rainbow/unicorn land. He had pretty much decided that she was going to have to work her ass off to keep him. His final consequence was to remove her from their home. She reluctantly agreed to live with her parents. She agreed to be monitored. She worked quite diligently to repair the marriage. He filed divorce and it was final while she was living with her parents. They dated after the divorce was final, but he just could not get over her betrayal. They are both involved with other people right now. She has been relatively unsuccessful in re-launching her career. I sense that there is a substantial amount of resentment toward the OMW for deep six-ing her career. The exAP worked his ass off, and managed to find a smaller company that would take him on. No such luck for her, she is in a support position, but as time passes, the likelihood of getting a position like she had pre-A is getting more and more remote. She opines regularly that she fu-cked herself, she should have known better.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

SunCMars said:


> Say it ain't so, TDS60
> 
> There are some people you can totally trust. I will condition this by saying 'few' are trustful, not totally.....none!
> 
> ...


My kids have lied to me.
My wife has lied to me.
My brother has lied to me.
My father has lied to me.
My mother has lied to me.

Most are "white lies". When challenged, I got "I didn't want to upset you" or "I knew you would get mad".

I even heard my wife tell one of our kids (teenager then) "Don't tell your Dad - it will just make him mad".

Since I don't expect totally honesty, I am not destroyed when I find out about the deceptions. But the one thing that really burns me up is deception - for any reason.

I have become cynical. Life has taught me never to take anything at face value.



Total trust is looking through rose colored glasses.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

How are you doing YoungCZ?

If your wife uses an iPhone, there is a program called iMazing that can be downloaded for free. (You will have to pay to get some functions activated).

It is advertised as a file/photo transfer program between Apple devices. It can also recover text messages. Worth a look. Takes about 15-20 minutes with the phone hooked to a computer (any type computer) to set it up.

My son now uses it on his wifes phone. He caught her in an EA on the verge of a PA. He has it set up where when she walks into the house the phone automatically connects to his home Wi-Fi network and updates all texting to his home computer. He can view them at his leisure and does not have to have her phone.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Typical BS mistake is to help hide their affair. Inform OM’s Wife without warning. He doesn’t give a damn what you think.

Your lack of action here will enable it further.

Better wake up!!!!!


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

skerzoid said:


> YoungCZ:
> 
> You have to be willing to lose your marriage to save it. You have to totally get her attention and make her believe this. So....
> 
> ...


Have you done even one thing on this list? You need to get over your fear and get your balls out of hock! Otherwise your precious marriage is toast!


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

YoungCZ said:


> Thank you all for the responses thus far. This is incredibly difficult. I'm hearing a lot of people saying tell the other wife. *I do agree I would want to know, I just don't want stress and drama from this other guy, I just want him gone and to focus on my marriage.*
> 
> Where does one get a poly? Not sure how my wife would react to me asking this, but I'm definitely interested.
> 
> ...


Exposure to his wife is the best way to get him out of your marriage/life.

Are you to affraid of him to do what's needed? You know this tells him he can do exactly as he pleases and it sends the same message to your wife.

I suspect you'll do nothing and learn the hard way. 

Why are you even here?


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

TDSC60 said:


> In groups without you I am betting. Is it common for your wife to "go out" with groups? And go out to where?
> 
> *Ask her when and who else was part of the group.* Sorry to say this is beginning to sound like a typical physical affair.
> 
> ...


Friends giving alibis for your wife who split from the group with OM? 

Yeah, wingmen lie.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Malaise said:


> Friends giving alibis for your wife who split from the group with OM?
> 
> Yeah, wingmen lie.


I think everybody lies. Whether it is by omitting some facts or by intentionally misleading or by outright untruths. The worst and most unforgivable to me is when I ask a direct question and get a lie in response.

Cynical? Absolutely. I feel like the TV Doctors from a few years ago - House? Everybody lies.


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