# How do I respond to virtual infidelity?



## Concernedwife88 (Jan 3, 2018)

My husband and I have been married for over 5 years. We have one child (a toddler) and, as of 2016, I am a stay-at- home mom. We also just bought a house. 

Throughout our marriage, my husband's porn use has been a constant issue. I compromised and said that magazines and dvds were fine but that I didn't like the idea of internet porn. He yes-es me to death and then every so often I check his phone and find that he's on a porn site. 

The most recent time happened 2 days ago. I was really upset and wanted to talk but he just denied. Then he slipped up and said he only went to a live cam site once years ago (we were married then too). Well, I did some digging in his other email. He has memberships to chaturbate, cam4, cams, and multiple other live cam sites. I even saw a post where he asked guys in a forum for more photos of a particular girl. 

I saw Omegle open on his phone once a couple of years ago but he said it was a pop-up. I never thought he was on live cam sites. Also, a girl on another porn site recently thanked him online for following her. 

We have tried the accountability apps for his phone but then I find an iPod under the bathroom sink. I don't know what to do. It hurts so bad and makes me sick to my stomach. He was even logged into the one cam site when I was looking through his phone (he only got this phone a few months ago). On Chaturbate he follows 31 girls and in his email from a few years ago other girls were inviting him to watch. He also used to follow porn girls on Tumblr.

I confronted him and he is sticking to his story that it was just the one time but I know that's a lie. That makes me even more mad. He claims he never talked to them but I don't know what to believe anymore.


----------



## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

I would recommend thinking of it as an addiction, not as infidelity. It's like you're dealing with an alcoholic, and keep finding new stashes of bottles.


----------



## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

The cam girl's are like cheating, as far as I'm concerned. The only difference is that [thankfully], since he hasn't had actual sex with them; you wouldn't get a disease from him.

I'd feel the same way that you do. I'm sorry that you're going through this.

Do you think he'd be open to getting some type of marriage and/or sex therapy to work on why he needs to do this when he has a wife; whom he is hurting a great deal.

I get the feel from your post that he is insensitive and doesn't care much about your feelings.

The bottom line is: if he continues to pursue the cam sex; could you stay married to him and raise a family with him?

If the answer is no, could you make it financially on your own?

Don't have any more kids until you get this resolved to your satisfaction.

Again, I'm sorry this is happening. I can relate. It's a real painful, humiliating thing to deal with.


----------



## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

Laurentium said:


> I would recommend thinking of it as an addiction, not as infidelity. It's like you're dealing with an alcoholic, and keep finding new stashes of bottles.




That's a good analogy. Although, I would still consider it cheating too.

Great combination: a cheating addict


----------



## Concernedwife88 (Jan 3, 2018)

Financially, I would figure it out and make it work but I'm from a divorced home and I'm afraid of doing that to my young daughter. I don't know how much longer I can deal with the lying. I don't think he understands what the big deal is. It is frustrating because I know that he would not be ok with it if the roles were reversed. I thought about counseling but I'm not sure if it would help since he refuses to admit anything. I would love to try counseling but I think it would be a waste if he refuses to quit and just does it to humor me.


----------



## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

That's good to hear that you could make it financially.

Of course you don't want your daughter to lose her mom and dad being together, that's only natural.

But should your daughter be raised in this environment, where her dad is following these porn chicks and spending time doing cam sex with total strangers. He's not a great dad role model.

And she will sense how unhappy you are. Don't forget that.

He doesn't see what the big deal is; yet he'd be upset if things were the other way around [you spent time masturbating with guys on cam sites].

That tells you that he *does* see what the big deal is; he just doesn't care.

You're right that counseling wouldn't work if he was just doing it to get you off his back. It reminds me of that joke, "how many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?...........One, but the light bulb has to want to change."

What you are describing sounds pretty bleak.

Now, you said that you were okay with magazines and dvd's; but not okay with internet porn? So porn doesn't bother you....is that right?

If so, then it's the fact that he is contacting the people and having a personal connection to them.

Could he at least be willing to meet you halfway? Let him know that you don't mind the filmed porn; you need him to not contact anyone through cams or chat rooms. It seems like the least that he could do for you.


----------



## Concernedwife88 (Jan 3, 2018)

I wasn't a huge fan of any of it but the "not online" thing was an agreement that we came to a while back...I didn't even know about the live cam subscriptions at the time. 

It sucks because he's a really great guy aside from this but I don't think this is something that I can continue to deal with for the rest of my life. The lying is the worst part. If he was at least honest with me, I could try to help and understand but he continues to deny everything which makes me wonder what else he could be up to.

Ah yes! Perfect quote about the light bulb.


----------



## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

Yeah, I understand about that; I loathe porn myself, but I try to keep an open mind, and know that some women don't hate it as much as I do.

It seems like [from what you've shared], that you really have to have a sit-down, heart-to-heart with him about how you feel. Share with him what you've posted here---I mean the basic message not word for word.

If you find him still doing it [and he may get very sneaky, to try and hide it from you], then you know that he simply does not care about your feelings and emotional security.

You also have to bear in mind that he escalated from video porn, to contacting people via cam sites. So, what might the next escalation be? He might not try to get together with any of these people irl; but how could you be sure? Answer, you couldn't. You already see that he doesn't seem very concerned about your feelings and values.

That would only leave divorce as an option; or staying with someone who you will pretty soon have no respect for, and whom you cannot trust. Your sexual responsiveness to him might suffer too. Hard to get turned on and let go when you know what he's really into.

Do you have a family member or friend whom you could trust to talk this over with? Or, could you see a counselor, or possibly a properly trained clergy person? Someone else who will treat this issue confidentially and offer you some advice, or just be there as a sounding board to offer you support. You are in a very lonely place right now; believe me I know.

How is he a great guy, apart from this?


----------



## messenger (Nov 29, 2017)

I might be blamed, called crazy, but your husband is under a demonic oppression, don't expect a successful marriage from allowing this things into your marriage, you should be his everything not porn, chats, some ladies out there, no HE needs deliverance otherwise things will get worse and then divorce...Watch Emmanuel tv marriage, deliverance you'll be grateful later, yes you can heal, he can be set free and start all over again. .Thank me later;;happy 2018


----------



## messenger (Nov 29, 2017)

please watch tag above


----------



## messenger (Nov 29, 2017)

youtube.com/watch?v=oEpIZnkjojY here is something that will help your marriage..


----------



## Phil Anders (Jun 24, 2015)

How is your sex life, and how has it been historically? Is he happy with it? Would you even necessarily know if he weren't, apart from discovering the porn? Have you generally been confident in your attraction for him, or are you chronically & volubly insecure about your appearance & weight? Have you been an enthusiastic participant in exploring his fantasies & vice versa, or is there a list of "perverted" things you won't try and have emphatically shut him down on? 

Many people here will cluck indignantly and validate your decision to become a warden to his "addiction"...and who knows, maybe you've been a wonderful GGG dream partner all along, and he truly is just an insensitive jerk. In that case you have lots of wonderful forensic advice to follow. 

But if you don't already have the kind of relationship where he feels safe being completely open with you sexually, my standard advice is to find out what porn is actually doing for him; to NOT automatically assume it's about unattainable standards of youth or beauty, but rather about confident enthusiasm & adventurousness; and then to seriously consider whether you can co-opt its role in his life by becoming an ally rather than a scold. 

Regardless, I would not stay in a relationship where I couldn't be that primary outlet and refuge for my partner.


----------



## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

Wow, that is surely a porn addiction if I ever saw one.

Hindsight, but I think this is a case where you should have been able to stomp out all of his porn usage.

And that's coming from someone who doesn't think porn is necessarily a huge problem.

Does he ever initiate/reciprocate intimacy with you?


----------



## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Lying is destructive. 

My wife is a pathological liar. She can’t help it. Similar to an addiction I suppose but she can’t change, cannot control it. I have noticed some people speak about Asperger Syndrome. I don’t know much about that, but I have heard it isn’t necessarily controlled. People live with it. 

However, my wife lives a tightly controlled life by choice because she wants me to know everything about her, even though she can’t answer questions. We have learned to cope with her sickness by making certain her life is an open book to me. She never has to answer questions.

I suspect your husband is a liar. Perhaps he is a liar simply by choice which is why you keep finding he has done things he has promised he wouldn’t. Perhaps he can’t control his lying, besides being unable to control his actions.

I have read that compulsive liars are not pathological liars, for some reason the shrinks know about. Your husband is a liar deep along the spectrum somewhere.

A shrink might be able to help him with that part, but since it’s just one part of your problems I don’t think you can get that far. Sadly.

I do wish you good fortune. 

If only your husband actually cares enough to want to find a cure...


----------



## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

What a douche. Why does he have no self control?

Are you two in love? How is your sex life? I get laid every day and have no desire to watch porn.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Please be aware that this type of behavior can escalate in a predictable way:

porn viewing -> interactive porn (e.g., cam sites) -> strip clubs with lap dances and vip rooms -> Craig's List hookups -> escort sites and hookups -> affairs.

Right now you are living with a nice guy on the outside who is actually a liar and cheat.

Your decision is a personal one, of course. All I can tell you is that I would lose respect for a man who did this, esp. the lying part. I don't believe I would build a life with someone who behaved this way. Too much heartache and disrespect.

So sorry you are going through this.


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Laurentium said:


> I would recommend thinking of it as an addiction, not as infidelity. It's like you're dealing with an alcoholic, and keep finding new stashes of bottles.


That's like saying a drunk driver is not responsible when he kills a pedestrian because, after all, it's an addiction. not vehicular manslaughter. 

This is cheating, maybe with extenuating circumstance, but cheating nonetheless, and should be dealt with as such.


----------



## pragmaticGoddess (Nov 29, 2017)

Whether it is an addiction or infidelity, the thing is it hurts. Your husband is betraying you and your family. 

You might think that you’re neglecting your daughter of a family environment if you divorce but I can tell you from experience that she will have to deal with a heavy sense of insecurity her whole life from her father’s infidelity. To a young girl/ woman she will subconsciously live with the fact that her father chose other women above her mother. Now what does that say about her mother’s daughter?

You have a lot to consider, whether to stay and support your husband through his addiction or leave this man with a lack of integrity. What I can add is that you can help him as much as he wants, but it’s up to him to want to change. Right now it sounds as if he doesn’t think he has a problem.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

In your position I would give him a choice, the porn or the marriage. I would also tell him that you know he is lying and unless he tells you the truth and agrees to stop the marriage is over. There has to be consequences or he will never stop. 
It is cheating, very much so, and with multiple women. 
If he honestly thinks he may loose you and his child he may stop. You say otherwise he is a good man, but his porn use is causing massive damage and do you honestly want your daughter growing up with a man who watches porn a lot? 
Be strong and give him that ultimatum.


----------



## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Well he seem to have a real compulsion .

My advice is to sit down in a non confrontion way. Tell him you love him and you can get throught this . That it a know fact that this stuff becomes addictive and through counceling and honesty he can give it up. 

But he has to want to save his family . Or he can spank the monkey to fake people instead of having a loving family.

That your willing to meet any reasonable needs he has with love .

Say all this with info in hand without emotions getting in the way.

If he resists start your exit plan.


----------



## CB724 (Dec 27, 2017)

Unfortunately, I have been in this situation. My husband opened up that he was addicted to porn (he saw it at an really early age like 10-11 years old from his older brother). He chatted with girls etc on Omegle and in emails. He also used Snapchat A LOT. I caught him 10 months before we got married. I told him our engagement was over, but then realized I didn’t want to throw away 4 years of our life together because of his addiction. We worked through it. Yes, I’ve caught him more since then. It tends to happen when he’s stressed out about stuff. The last time was a year ago. I know that feeling of being sick to your stomach. It hurts so bad and you do feel cheated. But know that, he’s not doing it to hurt you. He’s doing it because he’s addicted. You can work through it, but he’s got to be willing to admit that he has a problem. I gave my husband an ultimatum of being honest and open with me or we are through. Something that’s helped him is writing his thoughts in a journal and letting me read it. We discuss it but only if he wants too. Maybe this is an option for your husband, maybe not. But it doesn’t hurt to try. I wish you the best and hope that you’re able to work through this if that’s what you truly want.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Concernedwife88

Do you have any idea how much money he's spending on all this port, cam sites, etc? There is usually a fee for those things.


----------



## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Laurentium said:


> I would recommend thinking of it as an addiction, not as infidelity. It's like you're dealing with an alcoholic, and keep finding new stashes of bottles.





Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> That's like saying a drunk driver is not responsible when he kills a pedestrian because, after all, it's an addiction. not vehicular manslaughter.


I hope it's already clear, I am not suggesting for a moment that he is not responsible for his actions, nor that they are acceptable.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I used to be addicted to smoking but gave it up when I had small children because I put them first. Was it easy to give up? Of course not, especially as my then husband was still smoking around me. 
If your husband cares about you and the marriage he will stop whether he is addicted or not. If you give him a choice he will show you what he values more, you or the porn. IF he values the porn more, than why would you want to be with him anyway?


----------



## Tony Conrad (Oct 7, 2013)

I always class it as mental adultery personally. Addiction is no excuse it only shows one got willingly deeper and deeper until they got imprisoned by it. We live in an age when this happens so easily. I don't watch porn but very often porn finds me. One has got to get good at switching it off as quick as possible. I have a draw to spanking and know it therefore I have to be very careful with those kinds of sites.


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Laurentium said:


> I would recommend thinking of it as an addiction, not as infidelity. It's like you're dealing with an alcoholic, and keep finding new stashes of bottles.


deleted.


----------

