# mother in law advice



## tasp (Apr 23, 2013)

my mother in-law situation is complicated to say the least and I'm only going to deal with one tiny issue here today so I might be slightly vague on details in order to not open too many cans of worms... 

I was looking through my husbands e-mail last night looking for a particular e-mail he had sent me while I was in Iraq four years ago. (we had, had an argument and I wanted him to read the sweetest words he has ever said to me) Anyway I found an e-mail response from my husband to his mother. 

In her e-mail she said numerous very nasty and frankly untrue things about me personally. Some related to how I was treating my husband and some were about how I was "writing them off". She also said more personal things about me and my general character. 

It is upsetting on a number of levels but a big one for me is how untrue they were. This was years ago and my relationship with my husband has changed a great deal, however at that time he was not the best spouse. He was very insecure and controlling and made numerous large scale financial mistakes against my wishes. 

My question is if its acceptable or advisable to bring this up now. My mother in-law is fairly unstable and emotional. My Husband and Father in-law always just back off of her when she is being hurtful and "wait it out." I tend to feel that making excuses for bad behavior and giving in only encourages more of the same. I would much prefer to logically sit down and discuss things in order to move past them. Honestly how can I expect something to change if I never point it out as an issue. 

Anyway, Im just not sure how to prudently go forward. It was years ago and perhaps I should drop it. On the other hand it makes me feel like the last four years were a two faced relationship where I have tried very very very hard to keep peace and after reading what she said about me, quiet frankly I don't think I would have gone to the trouble.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

I would discuss it with her. If you hold this all inside, not only are you being dishonest with her also, you are going to build up a lot of anger over time. Which could lead to a blow out later. Better to deal with it now, and give your MIL a chance to explain herself. 

If I was his MIL, I would want to know if you were upset by something I had said. Then I would at least have a chance to have my say about it. Also, I want to point out that whatever your MIL has heard was told to her by your H. What she knows is whatever he tells her. Her opinions come after the fact. 

By the sounds of it, your H has an issue with running to his mommy like a tattle tale. Is your H the "mommy's boy" type?


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## tasp (Apr 23, 2013)

somethingelse said:


> I would discuss it with her. If you hold this all inside, not only are you being dishonest with her also, you are going to build up a lot of anger over time. Which could lead to a blow out later. Better to deal with it now, and give your MIL a chance to explain herself.
> 
> If I was his MIL, I would want to know if you were upset by something I had said. Then I would at least have a chance to have my say about it. Also, I want to point out that whatever your MIL has heard was told to her by your H. What she knows is whatever he tells her. Her opinions come after the fact.
> 
> By the sounds of it, your H has an issue with running to his mommy like a tattle tale. Is your H the "mommy's boy" type?


_Posted via Mobile Device_

The relationship dynamics in my husbands family are very complicated. In some ways he is very much a "mommys boy". He relies on his parents for help more than I think any one should. He does have a lot of resentment as well his parents are most defiantly emotionally abusive to him and quite frankly I think they get off a little bit helping him because it allows them (particularly his mother) control. 

While I was deployed his mom did our banking for us. I couldn't really do it effectively over-seas and my husband is a.) just not good at it and b.) at that time he was an over the road truck driver and his being away from home would have made it complicated. 

With control of our finances my H mother took it upon her self to judge every dollar my husband was spending and get WAY to involved in his personal life. 

For financial reasons we were considering moving a few hours away to allow me access to a private catholic college my step mom works at where my military benefits and family discount would have afforded me a private college degree at no cost. Needless to say this didn't happen, which now after reading the e-mail I wonder if I was manipulated into thinking I was making a good decision for my husband and myself in actuality I was doing my mother in-laws bidding


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

tasp said:


> my mother in-law situation is complicated to say the least and I'm only going to deal with one tiny issue here today so I might be slightly vague on details in order to not open too many cans of worms...
> 
> I was looking through my husbands e-mail last night looking for a particular e-mail he had sent me while I was in Iraq four years ago. (we had, had an argument and I wanted him to read the sweetest words he has ever said to me) Anyway I found an e-mail response from my husband to his mother.
> 
> ...


My belief is that it is the son's/daughter's job to run interference with the parent. I think direct intervention on your part would be a mistake. You have to make it clear to your husband that he is to check her when she gets out of hand, as many MILs do. He needs to control her and correct her when she is mistaken with regards to your behaviour and character. It is often difficult for mothers to let go, it sometimes requires intervention, but it has to come from him, not you. She needs to be made to understand that it is her, not you, who will lose your husband's affections if she behaves unacceptably. 

Talk to him. Ask him how he responds when she bad-mouthes you. Make it clear that you expect him to defend you and control her.

I have been there and it can be very corrosive to your relationship. He needs to do his duty and deal with her.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

A person can't give effective advice when portions of the background are censored. 

The reasoning on her controlling the banking isn't sound. There are about 1.6 million long haul truckers in the US and there aren't many of them who have their mother doing their banking. That means depositing your paycheck and paying your bills. 

With a wife deployed in the military, stepping up to the plate and managing that much temporarily is not a lot to ask out of a husband. You have a husband problem, not a mother in law problem.


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## tasp (Apr 23, 2013)

Wiserforit said:


> A person can't give effective advice when portions of the background are censored.
> 
> The reasoning on her controlling the banking isn't sound. There are about 1.6 million long haul truckers in the US and there aren't many of them who have their mother doing their banking. That means depositing your paycheck and paying your bills.
> 
> With a wife deployed in the military, stepping up to the plate and managing that much temporarily is not a lot to ask out of a husband. You have a husband problem, not a mother in law problem.


I have some of both actually but the purpose of my post was to try and decide if I should bring up the things my mother inlaw said about me in an e-mail to my husband four years later... It's hard for me to imagine having a conversation with her now knowing how she really feels about me. It also colours our relationship for the last four years in an different light. In some respects it feels petty to bring it up knowing however delicately I do it is likely to result in a fight. On the other hand her opinion of me in the e-mail is the complete intithisus of how she has acted.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

1. You're not going to change her. If you bring this up, she will complain how intrusive you are to look at a private email. 

2. Try to cut your mother-in-law out of the role in managing the family finances. 

3. Be nice, try to minimize discord.


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## Pinkdaisy91 (Apr 16, 2013)

I am sorry to say this but in my own personal experiences with my MIL, I learned the hardest way that nothing I say and/do will change the way she feels, thinks or speaks about me. She is very unappreciative of the wife I am to her son and seems to push the both of us out of her life in general. I am sorry that you are dealing with this but I hope that your MIL is different but it does not sound that she is very appreciative of you! You should try talking with her but I would also have your husband present because your words could very well get twisted! I wish you the best of luck keep us posted.


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