# Wife cheated with my best friend



## Husband34

So here it is in a nutshell. My wife and I have been together 9 years married for 5 now. Last summer my best friend who moved abroad came to visit. In the past he's flirted with her and she's flirted back always insisted its just jokes. When we first got together she was living a party girl lifestyle which always made me nervous but she's always insisted I saved her from "that life" of one nightstands emotionless sex. Fast forward to last year, we all drank heavily that night and come 1am I was tired and insisted she come to bed with me. She refused and I even said "please don't keep drinking with my best friend" she insisted she just wanted to have fun. I went upstairs and didn't turn on the AC so I could hear their conversation. I over her say that I didn't turn on the AC and that I was probably listening so they should move to the garage. This was alarming to say the least so I went outside and watched them through the window. They sat next to each other on a love seat. I watched them flirt back and forth for sometime he would put his hand on her leg and she would smile and gently take it off all flirty like. I couldn't hear but body language showed them getting more and more flirty. I saw them lock eyes and almost kiss but she turned away and did the father son and holy ghost thing as if she was praying then she turned back to him and they started full fledged making out. That's when I lost mind confronted them yelled kicked him out and then left. The next day she swears to not remember a thing and blames it on 12hrs of drinking.... she also comes back to it was just a kiss but I know in my heart if I hadn't broke it up she would have slept with him and we definitely wouldn't be together today. She was very remorseful at first. Then about 2 months later she says she can't keep hating herself for 1 mistake and now hates when I bring it up. But I'm still hurting I think about it almost daily. Part of me wishes I had not interrupted so I can say for sure she would have gone all the way. Because despite being blackout drunk she swears theres no way she would have slept with him. He's out of our lives entirely but we were friends for 20 years so he gets brought up by family or other friends once in awhile. But they have no idea what happened. So I have to internalize my pain. I didn't want to tell anyone to protect her I don't want my family to hate her.... it feels like every time she angers me or is a little cold my mind goes right to her infidelity. We have two kids a house and a great life otherwise but I fear ill never be able to fully put it behind me.... I don't know what to do. A little advice would be appreciated.


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## Evinrude58

It hurts. And it likely won’t get better. Poo stinks and tastes bad days, weeks, months later, or so I’ve been told. After that collossal poo Sandwich she’s served up, it’s likely best you just cut your losses. You’re going to have to wonder forever Every time she’s out if she will be Banging other men. She’s shown you what she is. No need to wonder.

she refused and headed downstairs for some fun with another man? Ha!
Pack her stuff, or accept what you have. This won’t be the last time she wants to chase other men. You married a ****. What did you expect?


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## jlg07

Her being "black out drunk" is just a bit TOO convenient. You KNOW she wanted to be a party girl again, even if just for the night.
She KNEW you didn't turn on the AC, and INTENTIONALLY moved them out the garage where you couldn't hear. This wasn't a "i was drunk" -- this was INTENTIONAL on her part.
If she "hates" when you bring it up, tell her that you HATE that you had to watch her make out with this guy and that trumps HER hate. SHE caused the problem not you.
She hasn't done ANYTHING to make you believe her -- has she gone to IC to find out WHY she felt it was ok? Do you have access to all her email, phone, etc. to make sure this guy doesn't contact her? Has she blocked him on all devices?


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## bobert

Step 1 is to stop trying to rug sweep her cheating. It needs to be properly dealt with, whether she likes it or not. Of course she'd rather just move on and forget about it, but it doesn't work that way. Not for the BS at least. 

I doubt her blackout drunk story. Each step from refusing to go to bed, to acknowledging the AC was off, to taking it outside was planned. She's just sorry she got caught. 

Does she still drink? That is something that SHE should have immediately cut out on her own and never wanted to do again.


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## leftfield

Husband34 said:


> .... I couldn't hear but body language showed them getting more and more flirty. I saw them lock eyes and almost kiss but she turned away and did the father son and holy ghost thing as if she was praying then she turned back to him and they started full fledged making out. That's when I lost mind confronted them yelled kicked him out and then left. The next day she swears to not remember a thing and blames it on 12hrs of drinking.... she also comes back to it was just a kiss but *I know in my heart if I hadn't broke it up she would have slept with him and we definitely wouldn't be together today*. She was very remorseful at first. Then about 2 months later she says she can't keep hating herself for 1 mistake and now hates when I bring it up. But I'm still hurting I think about it almost daily. *Part of me wishes I had not interrupted so I can say for sure she would have gone all the way.* Because despite being blackout drunk she swears theres no way she would have slept with him. .....


Notice the bolded parts of your post. You already know what you are dealing with and you know that you can't trust her. You can't always police her and you can't control her.


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## Husband34

But I do still love her.... we've made strides and we built this life together. She did quit drinking for a bit but we enjoy drinking so we started drinking together again. Shes vowed never to be drunk without me. I do have full access to her phone she doesn't hide anything. Also she's a stay at home homeschooling wife. So she's doesn't work she literally never goes out with friends im literally the only adult she sees for months sometimes. This guy is definitely out of our lives and she never talked to him without me around b4 or after. He was my friend not hers. I mean it wasn't an affair or an emotional cheat.... is it never possible to forgive such a thing does all infidelity end In divorce.


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## Openminded

No, it doesn’t. Some can reconcile and some can’t. You’re the only one who can decide if you can.


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## bobert

Husband34 said:


> does all infidelity end In divorce.


No, but there are two options if you rug sweep. Either you end up divorcing or you keep living (and hurting) like this.


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## Husband34

Well what do you suggest? We've talked about it so many times. We've cried and she's apologized but I still feel hurt sometimes. Not always but definitely sometimes. Most times I look at her let my heart tell me I love her and move past without saying anything to her about my hurt. She doesn't like talking about it because it makes her cry and ultimately doesn't make me feel better.... I just wanted to know from ppl who went through this if it ever gets better or if after a year it still hurt that it will forever...


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## VladDracul

Husband34 said:


> I over her say that I didn't turn on the AC and that I was probably listening so they should move to the garage.


I don't know what you did to your friend but sounds like he had it in for you; if you know what I mean.  He may be out of your life for now but rest assured there are other men with the same plumbing wanting to, and may be welcome to, lay pipe around your house. I hate to be this blunt Dawg, but most of us wouldn't be stupid enough to not know exactly what she was getting at when she wanted to move out of earshot. The chick wanted privacy with your friend to do things you wouldn't approve of; unless youre into those things.
What do you think would have happened it you'd been called out on an emergency? You've got yourself a tiger by the tail there 34.


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## Rob_1

Husband34 said:


> *In the past he's flirted with her and she's flirted back always insisted its just jokes*


Example #1



Husband34 said:


> c*ome 1am I was tired and insisted she come to bed with me. She refused and I even said "please don't keep drinking with my best friend" she insisted she just wanted to have fun.*


Example #2


Husband34 said:


> *she also comes back to it was just a kiss but I know in my heart if I hadn't broke it up she would have slept with him and we definitely wouldn't be together today. She was very remorseful at first. Then about 2 months later she says she can't keep hating herself for 1 mistake and now hates when I bring it up.*


Example #3
Dude: Read what you wrote. The above shows how weak you've been to your wife as to boundaries. No wonder she looks like she has little respect for you. For her to do it while you're there tells a lot of her respect for you and to what she might be doing when you're not around.



Husband34 said:


> I went upstairs and didn't turn on the AC so I could hear their conversation.


why, I mean why knowingly you would leave them alone? nonetheless, you know have proof of what your guts were telling you. Dude, she's not marriage material, unless you want to be in constant turmoil as to what she might be doing.




Husband34 said:


> *she also comes back to it was just a kiss but I know in my heart if I hadn't broke it up she would have slept with him and we definitely wouldn't be together today. She was very remorseful at first. Then about 2 months later she says she can't keep hating herself for 1 mistake and now hates when I bring it up.*


That's because she was never remorful. All she was doing was damage control, because in her mind she knows that in the end you will not do anything other than getting pissy about it and that you would eventually just rugsweep it, and by now she's getting annoyed with your constant reminders, because she's more secure that all you're doing is blah, blah, blah, no consequences other than the constant annoyances of having to hear it.



Husband34 said:


> *So I have to internalize my pain. I didn't want to tell anyone to protect her I don't want my family to hate her.... it feels like every time she angers me or is a little cold my mind goes right to her infidelity.*


This. This is typical of guys like you. Men that don't have the courage to do what needs to be done. And you are wondering why you're alone in your pain? really. What you have done is basically cowardice, because you prefer to suffer it all alone rather than to rock the boat. You are afraid.




Husband34 said:


> *When we first got together she was living a party girl lifestyle which always made me nervous but she's always insisted I saved her from "that life" of one nightstands emotionless sex.*


I just can't understand men that go for the "party girl" type of women. Don't you realize what the ultimate result is with this type of women? where you so low on yourself that you thought that she was the best that you could do?
Now tell me this: who is going to save YOU from her? what are you really going to do about it? if nothing, then don't cry about it, suck it up and carry on with the below:


Husband34 said:


> *We have two kids a house and a great life otherwise but I fear ill never be able to fully put it behind me..*..A great life? how can that be a great life dude. You are just justifying yourself out of fear, weakness, and a lack of self respect.


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## Offkilter123

Didn’t you post this on SI several months ago?


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## Rob_1

moreover, what love has to do with it. Your problem is not that you love her, it's the kind of love she has for you.


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## bobert

Husband34 said:


> Well what do you suggest? We've talked about it so many times. We've cried and she's apologized but I still feel hurt sometimes. Not always but definitely sometimes. Most times I look at her let my heart tell me I love her and move past without saying anything to her about my hurt. She doesn't like talking about it because it makes her cry and ultimately doesn't make me feel better.... I just wanted to know from ppl who went through this if it ever gets better or if after a year it still hurt that it will forever...


It does get better but yes, it will always hurt. That pain gets easier to handle and takes up less "space" but it never, ever goes away. 

It takes 2-5 years to heal from infidelity. For me (with a much different situation), things didn't start feeling better until around two years. Boatloads of IC and MC is what helped, not just watching the clock tick. That just prolongs the pain.


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## Husband34

Nope, first post. Must have been a similar scenario...


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## Al_Bundy

Have you looked into other things she's doing? Her chat history, social, texts, etc.... No offense but if she'll cheat with your best friend in your house, she'll cheat with anyone. I doubt this was the first time she's done anything. Party girls don't just stop. If they do they often end up resenting their rescuer in the long run.


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## Openminded

Husband34 said:


> Well what do you suggest? We've talked about it so many times. We've cried and she's apologized but I still feel hurt sometimes. Not always but definitely sometimes. Most times I look at her let my heart tell me I love her and move past without saying anything to her about my hurt. She doesn't like talking about it because it makes her cry and ultimately doesn't make me feel better.... I just wanted to know from ppl who went through this if it ever gets better or if after a year it still hurt that it will forever...


It can take years to get beyond a spouse’s actions — whatever they may be — assuming that’s possible for you. Her job is to do what you need for her to do (obviously within reason) so that you can recover. But don’t ever again trust her as completely as you did in the past. That’s just asking for trouble.


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## Husband34

Rob_1 said:


> Example #1
> 
> 
> Example #2
> 
> Example #3
> Dude: Read what you wrote. The above shows how weak you've been to your wife as to boundaries. No wonder she looks like she has little respect for you. For her to do it while you're there tells a lot of her respect for you and to what she might be doing when you're not around.
> 
> 
> 
> why, I mean why knowingly you would leave them alone? nonetheless, you know have proof of what your guts were telling you. Dude, she's not marriage material, unless you want to be in constant turmoil as to what she might be doing.
> 
> 
> 
> That's because she was never remorful. All she was doing was damage control, because in her mind she knows that in the end you will not do anything other than getting pissy about it and that you would eventually just rugsweep it, and by now she's getting annoyed with your constant reminders, because she's more secure that all you're doing is blah, blah, blah, no consequences other than the constant annoyances of having to hear it.
> 
> 
> 
> This. This is typical of guys like you. Men that don't have the courage to do what needs to be done. And you are wondering why you're alone in your pain? really. What you have done is basically cowardice, because you prefer to suffer it all alone rather than to rock the boat. You are afraid.
> 
> 
> 
> I just can't understand men that go for the "party girl" type of women. Don't you realize what the ultimate result is with this type of women? where you so low on yourself that you thought that she was the best that you could do?
> Now tell me this: who is going to save YOU from her? what are you really going to do about it? if nothing, then don't cry about it, suck it up and carry on with the below:


Well not everyone can as strong as a man as you are random forum reader..... but its not that easy. But I guess thats a typical answer from "guys like me" I don't want to spend the rest of my life paying alimony to a woman I love while she finds a life with another man... she's been there for me during a job loss where we could have lost everything we've had a sick child we went through together we've had so much life and again I love her and she been a good wife to me other then that night. I've talked about previous flirting but I did too. Its all jokes till it isn't anymore. She's not this horrible cheating monster maybe I should have elaborated more. She obviously did a horrible monstrous thing but does 1 night define who we are.... I don't know, maybe... but I'd like to think maybe not


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## dubsey

Given all the information you've provided, and that she gets upset with continually talking about it, I guess, if I were you, I ask her what she'd like you to do on days/moments/whatever that you're upset about it. It still upsets you from time to time, what does she want you to do when that happens?

If she tells you to ignore it or something similar, ask her if it's ok to reciprocate when she's upset about something you're tired of hearing about.

Just ask her what she'd like. You can't control that it upsets you until it no longer upsets you. What does she want from you? Does she want to be the kind of wife who doesn't care when her husband is hurting and upset?


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## rugswept

This whole sign of the cross thing: she did the sign of the cross asking for forgiveness for what she was about to do. That, with guiding him to the garage, makes it clear what her intentions were at that time. Is that her? How would I know. Is that her when she's intoxicated? How would I know. 

I do know this: she has boundary issues. The wall, as far as you should be concerned: no more of these little meetups, chat ups and drink ups with some man when there's no one else around. That should now happen never. 

If it's one of those that they hit on her and then she's ready, that can happen in so many ways (and is likely to).


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## Rob_1

Husband34 said:


> Well not everyone can as strong as a man as you are random forum reader..... but its not that easy. But I guess thats a typical answer from "guys like me" I don't want to spend the rest of my life paying alimony to a woman I love while she finds a life with another man... she's been there for me during a job loss where we could have lost everything we've had a sick child we went through together we've had so much life and again I love her and she been a good wife to me other then that night. I've talked about previous flirting but I did too. Its all jokes till it isn't anymore. She's not this horrible cheating monster maybe I should have elaborated more. She obviously did a horrible monstrous thing but does 1 night define who we are.... I don't know, maybe... but I'd like to think maybe not


Then, there you have it. Some men can tolerate it most don't. She was going to have sex with the Xfriend, and you knew it. She was consciously or not setting it up. Now, you obviously are not going to do anything at all. *So why carry on with what to do about it?* Like I said before: Just suck it up and shut up. You're not going to achieve anything with the continuous nagging and recriminations. You'll live with it for the rest of your life. It will always be in the back of your mind. There's nothing else to do but to accept it and move on.


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## Al_Bundy

I get not wanting to pay alimony. I know people paying lifetime alimony, it sucks.

I don't doubt she has some fun qualities, women like that usually do. They tend to be social ninjas do to their extensive experience. Fun to be around, can hang out with the guys and so on. It just sounds like she wants the security of married life but still have some party girl fun. Like I said before, it wasn't just that she cheated. It was who and where she did it. 

Unfortunately I can tell you that you probably won't stop thinking about it. It hits you when you least expect it. I don't think it would ever go away.


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## Husband34

dubsey said:


> Given all the information you've provided, and that she gets upset with continually talking about it, I guess, if I were you, I ask her what she'd like you to do on days/moments/whatever that you're upset about it. It still upsets you from time to time, what does she want you to do when that happens?
> 
> If she tells you to ignore it or something similar, ask her if it's ok to reciprocate when she's upset about something you're tired of hearing about.
> 
> Just ask her what she'd like. You can't control that it upsets you until it no longer upsets you. What does she want from you? Does she want to be the kind of wife who doesn't care when her husband is hurting and upset?


Thank you for your constructive input.... I will fo that. And the last time I brought it up we were having a fun night I brought it up out of nowhere and she said she hates when I bring it up because it makes feel sad.... so I haven't in awhile and I feel she'd want to be there for me.... maybe she wasn't ready to go there... I dunno
Worth a try though. Tired of suffering In silence... I even reached out to strangers on the net 🤦‍♂️


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## jlg07

Also, the random flirts should ALSO stop 100%. She should be willing to do that considering where this flirty behavior sent her...


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## Husband34

100% flirting stopped from both of us again it was always jokes..... until it wasn't anymore. But I too would harmlessly flirt with her friends but it was right in front her and she knew I was kidding.... so it's hard to distinguish the jokes from reality


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## sokillme

You're too nice. You put up with too much crap. You care way too much what she thinks. You should have nipped that flirting in the bud before it got that far. Your wife has no fear of losing you. She know she has all the power so she has no fear. If this wasn't pecipitated by flirting I would say it was the alcohol but she knew what she was doing.



> He's out of our lives entirely but we were friends for 20 years so he gets brought up by family or other friends once in awhile.


Tell them he made a pass at your wife and he is dead to you.



> Also she's a stay at home homeschooling wife. So she's doesn't work she literally never goes out with friends im literally the only adult she sees for months sometimes. This guy is definitely out of our lives and she never talked to him without me around b4 or after. He was my friend not hers. I mean it wasn't an affair or an emotional cheat....


She sounds like a jerk, and her being dependent on you has turned your dynamic to parent child which is common it seems. Entitled child. Tell her to get a job. Quit being so nice.



> is it never possible to forgive such a thing


Not if the WS isn't contrite.



> does all infidelity end In divorce.


No but a lot should.


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## Diana7

Husband34 said:


> But I do still love her.... we've made strides and we built this life together. She did quit drinking for a bit but we enjoy drinking so we started drinking together again. Shes vowed never to be drunk without me. I do have full access to her phone she doesn't hide anything. Also she's a stay at home homeschooling wife. So she's doesn't work she literally never goes out with friends im literally the only adult she sees for months sometimes. This guy is definitely out of our lives and she never talked to him without me around b4 or after. He was my friend not hers. I mean it wasn't an affair or an emotional cheat.... is it never possible to forgive such a thing does all infidelity end In divorce.


Some couples do make it work even after a full blown affair but it takes time and effort. Her flirting with anyone has to stop, a married man or lady flirting with another person is very unwise. I hope for your childrens sake you can make it work again. If you think she is fully sorry and repentant then you have a chance.


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## SRCSRC

Very sorry for your pain. Flirting with someone else when you are married is disrespectful and will lead to more serious indiscretions as time goes by. Single people flirt. Married people should flirt only with their spouses. As you said, it's only joking around until it isn't. I know from experience all about flirting and OM. I wish not to add to your pain but it is unlikely this is your wife's first indiscretion with another man. If you are willing to pull the band-aid off and get to the bottom of her behavior, make her sit for a polygraph in order to determine whether she has played around on you. If she refuses and throws a fit, you know the answer. Don't forget, but for you stepping in, she would have screwed him. Do not, for an instant, blame the alcohol. She wasn't passed out. On the other hand, she was quite busy. 

Now, if she passes the test, you can feel pretty confident that she has not cheated on you (the tests aren't perfect) and you can work on rebuilding trust and your relationship. But, if she refuses or provides a parking lot confession, you have to be ready to deal with the consequences. You are obviously quite upset or you wouldn't be here. To look for the truth on the possibility you will not like what you find is very scary but not knowing will eat you alive. I'm sorry but you will have to pick your poison.


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## Husband34

SRCSRC said:


> Very sorry for your pain. Flirting with someone else when you are married is disrespectful and will lead to more serious indiscretions as time goes by. Single people flirt. Married people should flirt only with their spouses. As you said, it's only joking around until it isn't. I know from experience all about flirting and OM. I wish not to add to your pain but it is unlikely this is your wife's first indiscretion with another man. If you are willing to pull the band-aid off and get to the bottom of her behavior, make her sit for a polygraph in order to determine whether she has played around on you. If she refuses and throws a fit, you know the answer. Don't forget, but for you stepping in, she would have screwed him. Do not, for an instant, blame the alcohol. She wasn't passed out. On the other hand, she was quite busy.
> 
> Now, if she passes the test, you can feel pretty confident that she has not cheated on you (the tests aren't perfect) and you can work on rebuilding trust and your relationship. But, if she refuses or provides a parking lot confession, you have to be ready to deal with the consequences. You are obviously quite upset or you wouldn't be here. To look for the truth on the possibility you will not like what you find is very scary but not knowing will eat you alive. I'm sorry but you will have to pick your poison.


Honestly I get how it looks from an outside perspective but I'm 100% confident this has never happened before. We've spent everyday and night together she doesn't have a second work life she has 2 close friends and sister but has legit never hung out with them without me in drinking or that type of scenario. The flirting was only with our close friends she never flirts with strangers.... lol I get that doesn't sound better but trust me the flirting was like an inside joke we both did. Like no doubt she did this but I'm sure nothing else has happened. We're always together we had an amazing relationship always talked about how everyone else should be jealous... I really can't see how it would be possible. I'm not concerned about other times


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## VladDracul

Husband34 said:


> And the last time I brought it up we were having a fun night I brought it up out of nowhere and she said she hates when I bring it up because it makes feel sad.


I tend to agree with her. If you and her have kicked this thing around for awhile, why do you keep harping at her about how hurt you are? There is nothing she can say or do that's going the wipe the slate clean. You know she was willing to go to second, third, and even home base with another guy, by your won admission, you ain't going anywhere because of it, so why keep badgering her. She either won't do it again or she will do it again. Only time will tell.
In the meantime, have you ever considered giving her a hall pass. I've seen it work for some marriages when one or both desire the attention of others for what ever reason. One old boy I knew, when ask why he would tolerate such a thing said the his old lady would do it anyway, her needed her, and thinking about her with another man was sort of a turn on ( It may be like that for you. I mean when they were in the garage, you did sort of watched the show for awhile) and gives him an excuse to tap a little on the side himself.. He also said she's more into sex and besides, " It will wash off and is some fine grinding when it does". (not his exact words, but close)


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## sideways

In my opinion, you're not mad at her, you're mad at yourself for not doing anything about this.

You knew she was a party girl.
A girl who got around (i.e. slept with random dudes).
You "saved" her from this life (smoke she blew up your a$$).
So once you know the nature of something do NOT be surprised when it acts in character. 

Thus you KNEW deep down who she is and THUS why you didn't turn the air conditioner on because you d%#m well knew that her previous flirting with this guy wasn't "kidding" around. 
NOPE!!

So she did EXACTLY what is in her nature and why she purposely moved him to another room where you couldn't hear her going in for the kill.
SHE WAS THE AGGRESSOR and why you're pissed about this whole thing is YOU KNEW THIS ABOUT HER FROM THE MINUTE YOU MET HER!!

You foolishly thought she would change her evil ways for you.

She made the cross sign (as pointed out) to say, "forgive me father I can't control my evil urges" and went at with him.

As also pointed been pointed out, she did this in YOUR HOME WITH A GOOD FRIEND OF YOURS WHILE YOU WERE THERE!!!

If she's bold enough to do this (and she IS and you've KNOWN THIS FROM THE MINUTE YOU MET HER) you can rest assured that this was NOT HER FIRST RODEO (and again, QUIT LYING TO YOURSELF because deep down in your soul you KNOW this is true).

It's WHO SHE IS!!

So you're NOT mad at her, no NO NO!!!

You're mad at yourself because you knew who and what she is all along and you made a major life choice with your John Thomas instead of your head and now what you feared all along has become your reality. 

However you're also mad at yourself because if this was just you and her you could potentially walk away but NOPE, because you IGNORED that inner voice years ago you have now brought innocent children into this mess.

As pointed out, this has NOTHING to do with love. Of course you love her, but it's about who and what she is (which you ignored) and she doesn't truly love or respect you because she can't. She doesn't have it in her.

If she did she would have boundaries in place that enforce her respect and love for you that would also show she's trustworthy. 
SHE'S NOT!!

Again she did this in your home with you there.
With your so called friend (and he was NEVER your friend)!!

So now you're asking what can you do about all of this and your pain??

Two choices as far as I can see.
1) Shut the F up and quit whining about this because when you married her and had kids with her you signed up for this. Oh you hoped it wouldn't happen, you thought your love for her would change her, but you ALWAYS knew deep down that evil monster lay dormat just waiting to come out. Now it has. Either shut up and accept that this is your fate and that you'll always be looking over your shoulder with her and playing Mr Detective. 
OR
2) Leave. Walk away!!

You're not going to do this so find a way to start liking the s&%t sandwich she gave you.

I know this is harsh but quit lying to yourself. 
You want her to be honest with you??
Maybe the better question is why can't you be honest with yourself??


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## sideways

"We're always together".

If you're honest with yourself you know why this is.


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## manfromlamancha

Based on what you have said, you know enough to know that she is not wife material. She took it to the garage so that you couldn't listen?!?! Jesus H Christ!!! She made the sign of the cross before moving in for the session?!?!?! What more do you need to know? Dump her now while the damage is minimal. DO NOT HAVE KIDS WITH HER! And she will not stop because she has faced no consequences at all - in fact you are protecting her reputation?? The POSOM also must have thought that you wouldn't do anything about it once the deed was done - hence he proceeded full speed ahead in your house while you were upstairs! You need to work on yourself so that others don't perceive you to be weak.


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## Marc878

Sorry man but the capability is there for her to do this again. Not to mention this didn’t just happen. She was
Probably planning this out.

You don’t want to go through this again.

Shes sorry she got caught now but that won’t last.


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## sokillme

Husband34 said:


> Honestly I get how it looks from an outside perspective but I'm 100% confident this has never happened before. We've spent everyday and night together she doesn't have a second work life she has 2 close friends and sister but has legit never hung out with them without me in drinking or that type of scenario. The flirting was only with our close friends she never flirts with strangers.... lol I get that doesn't sound better but trust me the flirting was like an inside joke we both did. Like no doubt she did this but I'm sure nothing else has happened. We're always together we had an amazing relationship always talked about how everyone else should be jealous... I really can't see how it would be possible. I'm not concerned about other times


So what's your problem then. Like you say this is SO COMPLETELY OUT OF CHARACTER, why even worry about it?!

I mean maybe she just lost her mind and kissed you good friend.
Maybe she was possessed. 
Maybe the Devil made her do it. 
Maybe aliens.
The way you describe her it has to be something like that right? I mean seems so to me if you had an amazing relationship and everyone else is jealous then it has to be like something like what I just wrote. That certainly makes more sense then you seeing here with rose colored glasses.


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## jparistotle

Husband34 said:


> So here it is in a nutshell. My wife and I have been together 9 years married for 5 now. Last summer my best friend who moved abroad came to visit. In the past he's flirted with her and she's flirted back always insisted its just jokes. When we first got together she was living a party girl lifestyle which always made me nervous but she's always insisted I saved her from "that life" of one nightstands emotionless sex. Fast forward to last year, we all drank heavily that night and come 1am I was tired and insisted she come to bed with me. She refused and I even said "please don't keep drinking with my best friend" she insisted she just wanted to have fun. I went upstairs and didn't turn on the AC so I could hear their conversation. I over her say that I didn't turn on the AC and that I was probably listening so they should move to the garage. This was alarming to say the least so I went outside and watched them through the window. They sat next to each other on a love seat. I watched them flirt back and forth for sometime he would put his hand on her leg and she would smile and gently take it off all flirty like. I couldn't hear but body language showed them getting more and more flirty. I saw them lock eyes and almost kiss but she turned away and did the father son and holy ghost thing as if she was praying then she turned back to him and they started full fledged making out. That's when I lost mind confronted them yelled kicked him out and then left. The next day she swears to not remember a thing and blames it on 12hrs of drinking.... she also comes back to it was just a kiss but I know in my heart if I hadn't broke it up she would have slept with him and we definitely wouldn't be together today. She was very remorseful at first. Then about 2 months later she says she can't keep hating herself for 1 mistake and now hates when I bring it up. But I'm still hurting I think about it almost daily. Part of me wishes I had not interrupted so I can say for sure she would have gone all the way. Because despite being blackout drunk she swears theres no way she would have slept with him. He's out of our lives entirely but we were friends for 20 years so he gets brought up by family or other friends once in awhile. But they have no idea what happened. So I have to internalize my pain. I didn't want to tell anyone to protect her I don't want my family to hate her.... it feels like every time she angers me or is a little cold my mind goes right to her infidelity. We have two kids a house and a great life otherwise but I fear ill never be able to fully put it behind me.... I don't know what to do. A little advice would be appreciated.


Man Up. Tell you wife if she is done beating herself up and for you to get over a kiss then might as well tell he I should just get over this marriage. Stop playing this emotional game and get off the rollercoaster.


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## jparistotle

jparistotle said:


> Man Up. Tell you wife if she is done beating herself up and for you to get over a kiss then might as well tell her I should just get over this marriage. Stop playing this emotional game and get off the rollercoaster.


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## Mr.Married

Wild animals are best living among others of their type where they can remain who and what they are. They are not bad or evil..... they just... are. 

Captive beast often bite those that try to tame them. 

Beautiful they may be .... but wild they are.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

Husband34 said:


> But I do still love her.... we've made strides and we built this life together. She did quit drinking for a bit but we enjoy drinking so we started drinking together again. Shes vowed never to be drunk without me. I do have full access to her phone she doesn't hide anything. Also she's a stay at home homeschooling wife. So she's doesn't work she literally never goes out with friends im literally the only adult she sees for months sometimes. This guy is definitely out of our lives and she never talked to him without me around b4 or after. He was my friend not hers. I mean it wasn't an affair or an emotional cheat.... is it never possible to forgive such a thing does all infidelity end In divorce.


Brother there is more to this story or you left out some facts. This was not their first rodeo in my opinion. She was not black out drunk if she asked him to move it to the garage. Does not pass ol Sarge‘s smell test.


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## SRCSRC

Was this the first night of your friend's stay over at your home? I would call him up and ask him to tell you if this was the first time they hooked up. Don't get mad and don't be confrontational. Simply appeal to his better self to tell you the truth about the two of them. You need to know what happened to know what you are dealing with. He owes that to you as a former friend. This entire episode just doesn't make sense. It was obviously planned because they purposely moved to the garage. This was not a drunken decision by either of them.


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## Tatsuhiko

What bothers me is that she's still lying. She's blackout drunk but listens for the air conditioner to conclude that you might be listening. I'm not sure that a sober Sherlock Holmes could make such an intelligent deduction. Then she makes the sign of the cross--a clear indication that she knows she's about to do something wrong. Again, how drunk could she have been?

"I don't remember" is one of the conscious, intentional cheater's favorite lies.


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## Luckylucky

By not telling people/friends/family ‘I don’t want people to hate her’ you’re not protecting her. You’re actually protecting yourself from the truth. 

This is you protecting you. 

If someone did that to a friend or family member I would hate that person. And those types of people deserve those consequences. For everybody to see who they are - that pain and suffering belongs to her. She doesn’t want to hate herself for her mistake? She gets away with it?

No, really let everyone know and this will be the greatest lesson she will learn, by feeling shame and what it means to face the truth.


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## Lostinthought61

Husband34 said:


> Thank you for your constructive input.... I will fo that. And the last time I brought it up we were having a fun night I brought it up out of nowhere and she said she hates when I bring it up because it makes feel sad.... so I haven't in awhile and I feel she'd want to be there for me.... maybe she wasn't ready to go there... I dunno
> Worth a try though. Tired of suffering In silence... I even reached out to strangers on the net 🤦‍♂️


 It’s called accountability and she needs to own it, and her drunk excuse is bs considering she was cognitive enough to move it to the garage because she knew you shut off the ac....that remake alone says she knew exactly what she was doing so you have a cheater and a liar on your hand.


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## skerzoid

3 Strikes and she's out::
Strike - 1) You begged her to not continue drinking with your best friend? She refused. 
Strike - 2) She listened to see if you turned on the air conditioner. You didn't and she said "Lets move to the garage".
Strike - 3) While sitting on the loveseat (who keeps a loveseat in the garage?) She crosses herself asking for a dispensation from God. She then goes at it with your good friend. She's out!

These were all decisions she made while "blackout drunk"?

Did you know your friend was a player? Was that what you feared would happen? You took the risk of marrying a "Party Girl", then allowed her to stay downstairs with your "flirty" best friend? It sounds like you were afraid she would slip back into her old former self. What happens next time she is out of your sight?

You better look very hard at this situation and draw some very strict boundaries. It makes her sad? Better sad than divorced. 

This really important because you don't want to expose her to family and friends. 

If there is one thing that is epic on these pages, its that a lack of consequences for cheating results in heartache down the road.


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## Manner1067

As others have suggested or implied, you married a low-quality women that was not wife material

now you are outraged at yourself because of your bad decision. It is like investing your retirement money in some sketchy, beaten-down company on the verge of bankruptcy, and then being shocked when you lose it all

If my wife pulled something like this, she would have been served papers within 24 hours

and I can guarantee this isn't the first time your wife has done something. You can lie to yourself, rationalize, explain it away, whatever ...but that is the truth

Do you have kids? If not, the decision is easy. You are still pretty young and can rebuild your life. Cut your losses and move on


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## Tested_by_stress

I'm reminded of an old saying in my neck of the woods......

" you can't turn a bar ***** into a housewife". 

She was sober enough to realize you left the AC off to listen. She was also sober enough to realize the garage was a better place to get down to business. Had you not interrupted, she'd have wound up on her back or on her knees or both!


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## hamadryad

A Diamondback Rattler would be intriguing to keep as a pet, but the reality is that the potential is always gonna be there to get bit......Sounds like what you have....

I can't really add much, sure, its time to pull the plug here, unless you want to keep the Rattler after you spent a month in excruciating pain in the hospital recovering from the bite....but one thing does puzzle me....I once was in the position that the other guy was in...My buddies wife was always so excited to see me every time we got together... and she would drop little cues here and there, .....and then it happened...I stopped over to meet him to drop something off, and she invited me in...told me he wasn't home, blah, blah...

Not that I was available, anyway, but even if I was, the thought of tearing up a friends wife, is just the ultimate disrespect....Never happen in a million years...,It would never be worth it.,.......yet you hear this stuff happening all the time... I just don't get it...


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## oldshirt

Husband34 said:


> .... so it's hard to distinguish the jokes from reality


No it's not. 

Dude she intentionally moved him from one location to another because she knew you were listening. Isolating is one of the key moves in the seduction process and she intentionally and with forethought did it. She was GOING to F him. It is just the technicality of your intervention that she didn't. 

They were engaging in the seduction and foreplay process on their way to having sex. 

That is NOT flirtation and that is NO JOKE.


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## ABHale

Husband34 said:


> Thank you for your constructive input.... I will fo that. And the last time I brought it up we were having a fun night I brought it up out of nowhere and she said she hates when I bring it up because it makes feel sad.... so I haven't in awhile and I feel she'd want to be there for me.... maybe she wasn't ready to go there... I dunno
> Worth a try though. Tired of suffering In silence... I even reached out to strangers on the net 🤦‍♂️


If she wanted to be there for you she wouldn’t get mad at you for bringing it up.

The alcohol showed you who she really is, it lowered her guard and the real person showed herself. When people show you who they really are, believe them.

She obviously doesn’t love you the way you love her. She knew you were listening and moved to the garage so she could have sex without you hearing it. She is the one that suggested it. How convenient she doesn’t remember, right.


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## oldshirt

Husband34 said:


> When we first got together she was living a party girl lifestyle which always made me nervous but she's always insisted I saved her from "that life" of one nightstands emotionless sex.


Are you seriously saying that?? 

Party girls are not damsels in distress. They are damaged goods and low hanging fruit with character flaws and lack of personal accountability. 

Simps do not 'rescue' party girls from their bad behavior, They are the suckers that get duped into committing to them and binding themselves legally to them and end up being the ones that pay their bills and change the diapers and clean up the puke of their offspring that the guys they were banging did not want anything to do with because those guys understood their true natures and understood the ramifications of their character flaws. 

You were not her rescuer, you were her mark and her chump. You bought the cow after they had drank all the milk for free. 
You didn't save her from herself, she is still the ho (as evidenced by trying to F your friend right literally under your nose) You were the guy that settled for her and bought the cow when no one else would. 

You can keep eating this turd sandwich and can cry and make promises, but she still is what she is. If she would F your friend in your own garage with you right there, what does she do with other guys when you aren't around? Is your friend special? Is he a movie star or male model or a rock star or pro athlete?? Are all the other guys she's partied with movie stars and male models? or is he just a guy?? Are there 3 billion other guys in the world just like him? That's means she has 3 billion other guys to choose from when you're not around to be the party pooper.


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## QuietRiot

Husband34 said:


> So here it is in a nutshell. My wife and I have been together 9 years married for 5 now. Last summer my best friend who moved abroad came to visit. In the past he's flirted with her and she's flirted back always insisted its just jokes. When we first got together she was living a party girl lifestyle which always made me nervous but she's always insisted I saved her from "that life" of one nightstands emotionless sex. Fast forward to last year, we all drank heavily that night and come 1am I was tired and insisted she come to bed with me. She refused and I even said "please don't keep drinking with my best friend" she insisted she just wanted to have fun. I went upstairs and didn't turn on the AC so I could hear their conversation. I over her say that I didn't turn on the AC and that I was probably listening so they should move to the garage. This was alarming to say the least so I went outside and watched them through the window. They sat next to each other on a love seat. I watched them flirt back and forth for sometime he would put his hand on her leg and she would smile and gently take it off all flirty like. I couldn't hear but body language showed them getting more and more flirty. I saw them lock eyes and almost kiss but she turned away and did the father son and holy ghost thing as if she was praying then she turned back to him and they started full fledged making out. That's when I lost mind confronted them yelled kicked him out and then left. The next day she swears to not remember a thing and blames it on 12hrs of drinking.... she also comes back to it was just a kiss but I know in my heart if I hadn't broke it up she would have slept with him and we definitely wouldn't be together today. She was very remorseful at first. Then about 2 months later she says she can't keep hating herself for 1 mistake and now hates when I bring it up. But I'm still hurting I think about it almost daily. Part of me wishes I had not interrupted so I can say for sure she would have gone all the way. Because despite being blackout drunk she swears theres no way she would have slept with him. He's out of our lives entirely but we were friends for 20 years so he gets brought up by family or other friends once in awhile. But they have no idea what happened. So I have to internalize my pain. I didn't want to tell anyone to protect her I don't want my family to hate her.... it feels like every time she angers me or is a little cold my mind goes right to her infidelity. We have two kids a house and a great life otherwise but I fear ill never be able to fully put it behind me.... I don't know what to do. A little advice would be appreciated.


Something I would never say to the man I loved when he specifically asked me not to drink alone with their best friend: “I just want to have fun.”

Though, I’m not the type of person who’d ever have to be asked that question to begin with, and I actually hate being drunk. So I have to think the real issue is not the incident itself... but the underlying value system of your wife.

I sure sympathize with your situation, but I’m not sure you can change anything about it. You can monitor and police her and maybe interrupt any other stupid decisions she might make, but I don’t think you can ever change that she is the type of person that will disrespect your (valid) direct request, and bang your friends while you’re asleep upstairs.


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## Rushwater

Husband34 said:


> Well not everyone can as strong as a man as you are random forum reader..... but its not that easy. But I guess thats a typical answer from "guys like me" I don't want to spend the rest of my life paying alimony to a woman I love while she finds a life with another man... she's been there for me during a job loss where we could have lost everything we've had a sick child we went through together we've had so much life and again I love her and she been a good wife to me other then that night. I've talked about previous flirting but I did too. Its all jokes till it isn't anymore. She's not this horrible cheating monster maybe I should have elaborated more. She obviously did a horrible monstrous thing but does 1 night define who we are.... I don't know, maybe... but I'd like to think maybe not


Bud, this situation is NO BUENO! Here is a question: After you flat out busted her, what work did she to do regain your trust? Anything besides crying and saying that she is sorry and it will never happen again? If not, then she knows that you can be cucked in the future and you will not do a damned thing about it. Be honest with yourself. Does she get irritated or annoyed when you bring up what she did with your sh!tty friend? How do you think she would react if she were in your shoes? She would have a lawyer on the phone at 6AM the next morning.

The whole reason you are here on TAM is because you are scared sh!tless that she is capable of doing it again. PERIOD. You are doubting her and it's obvious by the way that you are making excuses for her. And yes, your friend may be out of your lives forever (blah blah blah), but you know, deep down that there will always be another guy that might light that same fire and it has you scared. Don't get me wrong, I would be scared too, if I were in your shoes. But, if I caught my wife, in a situation where she was about to bone another guy, her ass would be on the street in mere minutes. I couldn't live with those nightmares. It sucks, you have built a life together, have children together, you love her and cannot imagine life without her. But, think about this: She took on the risk of throwing all of that away, with some douche, in your house, WITH YOU AT HOME, UPSTAIRS!!!!!!! I'm sorry bud, but you already know the answers to your questions. And deep down, you now look at your wife, like she is an enemy spy that cannot be trusted. You also know that the first time she gets home one hour late from the mall, your mind will be spinning with fear that she boinked an old college friend that she reconnected with on Facebook. I feel for you. It sucks ass. Women are usually VERY good at hiding affairs. They are not sloppy like most men.

So, if your plan is to stay with her, then I would definitely get a digital, voice activated recorder (VAR) and put it in places where she makes phone calls. You can leave it there for days and days before the battery dies. At least this way, you can keep some tabs on her. Believe me, she's earned it! I know you said that she is a stay at home mom whom homeschools your children. But, if she goes out to run errands, you can hide a GPS tracker on her car and keep an eye on where she goes via a cell phone app and she will never be the wiser. Yup, it sucks to have to take these steps, but, she was about to bang your best friend in your house with YOU UPSTAIRS!!!! That takes some serious balls. I don't care how drunk I could get, I would NEVER cheat on my wife. I doubt you would either. So, why should she get a pass? Good luck and sorry that you are here!


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## syhoybenden

ABHale said:


> The alcohol showed you who she really is, it lowered her guard and the real person showed herself.


In vino veritas. Old Roman adage meaning "In wine there is truth".


There is nothing new under the sun.


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## ConanHub

Husband34 said:


> So here it is in a nutshell. My wife and I have been together 9 years married for 5 now. Last summer my best friend who moved abroad came to visit. In the past he's flirted with her and she's flirted back always insisted its just jokes. When we first got together she was living a party girl lifestyle which always made me nervous but she's always insisted I saved her from "that life" of one nightstands emotionless sex. Fast forward to last year, we all drank heavily that night and come 1am I was tired and insisted she come to bed with me. She refused and I even said "please don't keep drinking with my best friend" she insisted she just wanted to have fun. I went upstairs and didn't turn on the AC so I could hear their conversation. I over her say that I didn't turn on the AC and that I was probably listening so they should move to the garage. This was alarming to say the least so I went outside and watched them through the window. They sat next to each other on a love seat. I watched them flirt back and forth for sometime he would put his hand on her leg and she would smile and gently take it off all flirty like. I couldn't hear but body language showed them getting more and more flirty. I saw them lock eyes and almost kiss but she turned away and did the father son and holy ghost thing as if she was praying then she turned back to him and they started full fledged making out. That's when I lost mind confronted them yelled kicked him out and then left. The next day she swears to not remember a thing and blames it on 12hrs of drinking.... she also comes back to it was just a kiss but I know in my heart if I hadn't broke it up she would have slept with him and we definitely wouldn't be together today. She was very remorseful at first. Then about 2 months later she says she can't keep hating herself for 1 mistake and now hates when I bring it up. But I'm still hurting I think about it almost daily. Part of me wishes I had not interrupted so I can say for sure she would have gone all the way. Because despite being blackout drunk she swears theres no way she would have slept with him. He's out of our lives entirely but we were friends for 20 years so he gets brought up by family or other friends once in awhile. But they have no idea what happened. So I have to internalize my pain. I didn't want to tell anyone to protect her I don't want my family to hate her.... it feels like every time she angers me or is a little cold my mind goes right to her infidelity. We have two kids a house and a great life otherwise but I fear ill never be able to fully put it behind me.... I don't know what to do. A little advice would be appreciated.


If it wasn't for the kids, I would say walk.

You still maybe should.

She is lying to you and that is no foundation for reconciliation.

She had her wits about her just fine, so much so that she was perceptive enough to know you could be listening to them so she moved to the garage.

She wasn't even close to blackout drunk.

I would recommend counseling at the least to see if she can get honest and actually work through her issues which have not been dealt with or cleared up.

I'm very sorry you are dealing with this and you need an advocate and someone you can talk to as well.


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## Luckylucky

I used to be a party girl, not anymore. I can have a drink in company, even get drunk and have fun. I’d probably make a fool of myself and be all over my husband like a rash and make that sort of a scene, so I control myself, I’d hate to embarrass him. That fun part hasn’t died, it never will. I think you mean something else when you describe her as a party girl. 

My husband would never have to ask me, ‘please don’t drink with my best friend.’ 

Take about 20 steps back. 

If there were 3 of us? I’d politely chit chat with my husband’s friend, say goodnight and tell them to have a good time and excuse myself. 

Your wife made about 10 mistakes before she even ended it with a kiss.


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## VladDracul

Luckylucky said:


> If there were 3 of us? I’d politely chit chat with my husband’s friend, say goodnight and tell them to have a good time and excuse myself.


Yep. You're obviously not interested in spending a little alone time with your husband's friends while he's out of the picture. I'd bet when old 34 left to go to his room, she and the so-called friend probably thought, "finally!".


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

VladDracul said:


> Yep. You're obviously not interested in spending a little alone time with your husband's friends while he's out of the picture. I'd bet when old 34 left to go to his room, she and the so-called friend probably thought, "finally!".


Yes, I will bet you this was all pre planned.


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## Blondilocks

Just for kicks and giggles, run this by an attorney to find out your financial obligations should you decide to divorce. The less time you're married, the less the cost in alimony. 

Check into the cost of childcare should your wife decide to get a job and have interaction with adults other than yourself. Having another male adult around may have sent your wife into an over-excited mode due to her pent up need for interaction. Your kids don't have to be home schooled.

Tell your wife that she broke this and *she* needs to find a way to fix it. That isn't your job. Tell her you will be consulting with an attorney so she can stuff the tears and take this seriously.

Good luck. Oh, and stop with the childish flirting if you haven't already.


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## Rob_1

Luckylucky said:


> Your wife made about 10 mistakes before she even ended it with a kiss.


Sorry, but I don't buy your analysis that she made 10 mistakes. She purposely, with all the intentions in the world set it up. There was cheating in her mind. A mistake is to put a pair of socks one navy blue and other black. Is just that the husband want to see what he wants see because he doesn't have the guts to do anything other than ***** about it.


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## Benbutton

Husband34 said:


> Well not everyone can as strong as a man as you are random forum reader..... but its not that easy. But I guess thats a typical answer from "guys like me" I don't want to spend the rest of my life paying alimony to a woman I love while she finds a life with another man... she's been there for me during a job loss where we could have lost everything we've had a sick child we went through together we've had so much life and again I love her and she been a good wife to me other then that night. I've talked about previous flirting but I did too. Its all jokes till it isn't anymore. She's not this horrible cheating monster maybe I should have elaborated more. She obviously did a horrible monstrous thing but does 1 night define who we are.... I don't know, maybe... but I'd like to think maybe not


Ok think totality of the circumstances. She did this:
1. With your best friend 
2. In your house 
3. While you were home
And you:
Caught it before it went further.

Now I generally look at cheating is cheating, there really aren't levels of it. This though??? It's about as bad as it gets and speaks volumes of her lack of morals and inhibitions.

BTW, you didn't rescue her from her previous lifestyle. She chose to live that way and in the end "you are what you are".


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## Lostinthought61

What keeps going over and over in my head is that you knew something could happen and so you chose to watch it start to play out, clearly you had this inkling you could not trust her otherwise you would have stayed in bed but instead you played the scenario out in real time to I can only think to test both of them and both failed you, one you banished from your life the other you have basically rugsweeped....what that tells me is you are truly playing with a weak hand.....she clearly has more control on this relationship than you do....oh sure you spy on her but that tells me you think you are in control but in truth you have not punished her by exposing her and forcing her to accept her actions there you are scared to do....because the potential outcome is scary to you. Her loss in your life is greater than the respect for and yourself. I suspect you know this to be true but you just can’t admit it.


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## Chuck71

The intent was there 100% It would have went further had you not stepped in. Now she is complaining about you 

bringing it up. A remorseful WS would welcome a dialogue about how you feel from the actions of the WS.

She is not sorry she did this, she is just sorry she was caught.

I don't know anything about Canadian law but you can 1-Divorce her, 2-Rugsweep it and hope it never happens again (it 

will, promise), 3-Seek out MC to find out why this occurred, or 4-Divorce her but remain in same home.


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## Evinrude58

Husband34 said:


> Well not everyone can as strong as a man as you are random forum reader..... but its not that easy. But I guess thats a typical answer from "guys like me" *I don't want to spend the rest of my life paying alimony to a woman I love while she finds a life with another man*... she's been there for me during a job loss where we could have lost everything we've had a sick child we went through together we've had so much life and again I love her and she been a good wife to me other then that night. I've talked about previous flirting but I did too. Its all jokes till it isn't anymore. She's not this horrible cheating monster maybe I should have elaborated more. She obviously did a horrible monstrous thing but does 1 night define who we are.... I don't know, maybe... but I'd like to think maybe not


yiu may not want it, but YOU have set yourself up to receive it.

stay at home mom. Clearly no boundaries, bored, and likes sex a lot.
Perfect setup for cheating, and you’ll be paying her for many years to bang other men in the future.

Instead of telling her to stop drinking and get her ass in the bedroom, and sending your friend packing his disloyal ass to his own house, you passively went and hid in your room while another man attempted to have sexually with your wife.

you need to accept the fact that you are passive and to scared to move on from a cheater. I get it. Change is hard. You love her. It’s really hard to pull the trigger and boot her. But it really would be for the best. The longer you’re with her, the more you will be screwed financially.

she does not love you like you love her. Is that enough for you?


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## Tested_by_stress

I forgot to add in my original post. If I was you , the friend would have left that night minus a few teeth.


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## Numb26

1. Leave her
2. Divorce her
3. Work on making the best YOU you can and the best life you can for yourself
4. Never look back


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## Benbutton

It's not called alimony, it's called the freedom tax and worth every penny.


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## Trustless Marriage

She has low self esteem, no boundaries and maybe a people pleaser as well. She should have come right to bed with you. I had a similar thing happen where I went to bed and a friend stayed up late with my wife drinking. She said he was trying the old sob story trick to try and get close to her. That was the last time I would leave her alone with another guy. I broke off our friendship and kicked him out of my wedding party.

Until she gets help in regards with why she feels the need for attention from another man, you need to keep her on a short leash. If she refuses, she is not marriage material. And yes I believe she would have had sex of some type with that friend of yours if you had not stopped it. After all, that is the end game for many.


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## Marc878

Married 5 years and you’re worried about lifetime alimony ?
Sounds like an excuse to stay in this.


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## Rob_1

I know that it has only been a day since he last posted, but I doubt very much that he will come back to the forum. We see it all the time; some men when told the true about how they are perceived/what they're doing wrong, cannot handle it/accept what's being said, or just get to embarrassed. Then, they just disappear either in shame or rejecting everything being said.
Let's just hope that he'll at least will read anonymously and get some of the input to use on himself if he decides not to participate anymore.


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## Tatsuhiko

Rob_1 said:


> I know that it has only been a day since he last posted, but I doubt very much that he will come back to the forum.


Exactly what I was thinking. He wasn't ready to hear the truth.


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## oldshirt

Rob_1 said:


> I know that it has only been a day since he last posted, but I doubt very much that he will come back to the forum. We see it all the time; some men when told the true about how they are perceived/what they're doing wrong, cannot handle it/accept what's being said, or just get to embarrassed. Then, they just disappear either in shame or rejecting everything being said.
> Let's just hope that he'll at least will read anonymously and get some of the input to use on himself if he decides not to participate anymore.


A lot of people don’t want advice on what to do and certainly don’t want to feel as if they have anything they need to do. 

A lot want to be patted on the back and told, “there there. She’s so wrong and you are so good. You didn’t deserve that, she should be glad to have you and should treat you better.” 

They basically want to be told they are great and that the other person is wrong. They don’t want any actual accountability for themselves.


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## nekonamida

oldshirt said:


> A lot want to be patted on the back and told, “there there. She’s so wrong and you are so good. You didn’t deserve that, she should be glad to have you and should treat you better.”


I agree but I also think it goes even deeper than that. Many come here looking for a magic solution. They want "5 Easy Tricks to Make Her Get It" and then are shocked when we don't have any simple answers. He's looking for us to tell him what to do and say to make her go back to the wife he thought he had and we all know that is IMPOSSIBLE. If he can't get that, he at least wants us to tell him how the unring the bell so that he can believe she's the wife he thought he had. He, like many, is not ready to accept that she isn't that wife and never was so he doesn't have anything to lose by putting the marriage on the line as a way to possibly incentivize her to do better. And if she doesn't, he's not losing out on as much as he thinks he is.

Plus, he is absolutely NOT ready to hear that statistically speaking it's not likely that he happened to catch them in the act the one and only time it happened after years of overlap between the friendship and the marriage. He may know where she is most of the time but I don't find it coincidence that he was immediately suspicious of them drinking together. There's been other parties and other opportunities for them to be at it right under his nose before. This is not the actions of a man who completely trusted them together alone and found it unthinkable before he saw it happening. I'm betting he'll be back when the TT starts dripping out.


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## Galloping Ghost

Rob_1 said:


> Example #1
> 
> 
> Example #2
> 
> Example #3
> Dude: Read what you wrote. The above shows how weak you've been to your wife as to boundaries. No wonder she looks like she has little respect for you. For her to do it while you're there tells a lot of her respect for you and to what she might be doing when you're not around.
> 
> 
> 
> why, I mean why knowingly you would leave them alone? nonetheless, you know have proof of what your guts were telling you. Dude, she's not marriage material, unless you want to be in constant turmoil as to what she might be doing.
> 
> 
> 
> That's because she was never remorful. All she was doing was damage control, because in her mind she knows that in the end you will not do anything other than getting pissy about it and that you would eventually just rugsweep it, and by now she's getting annoyed with your constant reminders, because she's more secure that all you're doing is blah, blah, blah, no consequences other than the constant annoyances of having to hear it.
> 
> 
> 
> This. This is typical of guys like you. Men that don't have the courage to do what needs to be done. And you are wondering why you're alone in your pain? really. What you have done is basically cowardice, because you prefer to suffer it all alone rather than to rock the boat. You are afraid.
> 
> 
> 
> I just can't understand men that go for the "party girl" type of women. Don't you realize what the ultimate result is with this type of women? where you so low on yourself that you thought that she was the best that you could do?
> Now tell me this: who is going to save YOU from her? what are you really going to do about it? if nothing, then don't cry about it, suck it up and carry on with the below:


This is the closest to what I was thinking but put in much kinder words so I will just leave it at that so I don't catch a ban.


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## manowar

Maybe youre still checking in. there is help for you. What are you doing about your situation now that you've had some time to think about it? Come back and let us know.

the comments may have seemed harsh and not what you wanted to hear, but they were an attempt to wake you up. It wont get better as time goes on. she will repress her desires. Its how shes wired. What you dont want is where she sees you more like a father figure rather than her husband. yes this happens a lot. If you get to that point, youre in big trouble. Based on your posts its clear that you dont understand why you are in the situation you are in.

You thought a wedding ring was going to change everything. Turn her into the sweat virtuous woman that you invision in your head. Hey that's how it ends in the romantic comedies. Also you didnt rescue her from anything. She chose her prior lifestyle because she liked it. She loved the attention. Its called validation. there are probably a few men from her past that she would have gladly married. Those guys werent going for it. That's where you come into the picture. What you did is give her a fix -- you provided respectability. You stepped in as what's known as 'the white knight'. She probably doesnt even consciously realize this. Its your job to fix it. Her indescretion wasnt the worst. *You want to stay married. Fine. Time to change you.* Get a perspective on whats going on. I can only sketch it out. 

First - no more Fing crying and complaining! Girls dont respect that shyt. 

I think you are Mr. Nice Guy. Put her on a pedestal, do whatever she asks. Never confrontational. Always getting her input when making decisions (showing indecisiveness). She's the greatest thing in the world and how lucky you are to have her. She's the prize - right. the problem with this sort of behavior is it weakens you. Makes you submissive in the relationship and believe me your wife doesnt want that. She wants a leader. A guy that has his **** together, is decisive, assertive, and is someone she wants to follow. leadership in the bedroom as well is huge. You are the prize buddy. Start thinking of yourself in those terms.

*Read this book:* The married sex primer by athol kay. it should provide a road map for you.

He talks about the alpha/beta dynamic. It looks like you have to up your alpha side and maintain it. Don't slip back into the beta side which seems to be your undoing. *Also go Red Pill *- rich cooper videos and rollo tomassi on youtube to start. Start dressing better. Hit the gym. Build up your body. this is what these chicks go for. Being the loving family man dad isnt enough.

*Do not say anything to your wife. Do this on your own*. She will notice the change in you over time. It may take awhile.
This is how you get her to desire you. You've taken on a difficult challenge. Its up to you to pull it off. Or in the very least give it a serious try if that's what you want. Your nice-guy plan isnt going to work.

I hope you read this and hope it helps.


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## Divinely Favored

manowar said:


> Maybe youre still checking in. there is help for you. What are you doing about your situation now that you've had some time to think about it? Come back and let us know.
> 
> the comments may have seemed harsh and not what you wanted to hear, but they were an attempt to wake you up. It wont get better as time goes on. she will repress her desires. Its how shes wired. What you dont want is where she sees you more like a father figure rather than her husband. yes this happens a lot. If you get to that point, youre in big trouble. Based on your posts its clear that you dont understand why you are in the situation you are in.
> 
> You thought a wedding ring was going to change everything. Turn her into the sweat virtuous woman that you invision in your head. Hey that's how it ends in the romantic comedies. Also you didnt rescue her from anything. She chose her prior lifestyle because she liked it. She loved the attention. Its called validation. there are probably a few men from her past that she would have gladly married. Those guys werent going for it. That's where you come into the picture. What you did is give her a fix -- you provided respectability. You stepped in as what's known as 'the white knight'. She probably doesnt even consciously realize this. Its your job to fix it. Her indescretion wasnt the worst. *You want to stay married. Fine. Time to change you.* Get a perspective on whats going on. I can only sketch it out.
> 
> First - no more Fing crying and complaining! Girls dont respect that shyt.
> 
> I think you are Mr. Nice Guy. Put her on a pedestal, do whatever she asks. Never confrontational. Always getting her input when making decisions (showing indecisiveness). She's the greatest thing in the world and how lucky you are to have her. She's the prize - right. the problem with this sort of behavior is it weakens you. Makes you submissive in the relationship and believe me your wife doesnt want that. She wants a leader. A guy that has his **** together, is decisive, assertive, and is someone she wants to follow. leadership in the bedroom as well is huge. You are the prize buddy. Start thinking of yourself in those terms.
> 
> *Read this book:* The married sex primer by athol kay. it should provide a road map for you.
> 
> He talks about the alpha/beta dynamic. It looks like you have to up your alpha side and maintain it. Don't slip back into the beta side which seems to be your undoing. *Also go Red Pill *- rich cooper videos and rollo tomassi on youtube to start. Start dressing better. Hit the gym. Build up your body. this is what these chicks go for. Being the loving family man dad isnt enough.
> 
> *Do not say anything to your wife. Do this on your own*. She will notice the change in you over time. It may take awhile.
> This is how you get her to desire you. You've taken on a difficult challenge. Its up to you to pull it off. Or in the very least give it a serious try if that's what you want. Your nice-guy plan isnt going to work.
> 
> I hope you read this and hope it helps.


Damn straight. Read MMSLP and NMMNG. Worked for me. Quit whining about sparse sex and her always being *****y. I dropped 60lbs in 5 weeks and buffed up. Wife bout **** a brick. She said she thought i was already gone. Now we have sex 5-6 days a week.


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## skerzoid

Gandalf, my sword is glowing blue.


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## MattMatt

@Husband34 Is your ex friend married or in a relationship? If so, tell them.


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## Taxman

A client took the opposite attitude. He had caught her with a coworker, and she swore him to secrecy. She said she could never live down the humiliation. She thought that he would hold his tongue. They were at her parents' when there was a comment made, and he responded by saying that his WW was now under his thumb as he had her on infidelity with (name of coworker). Her parents essentially froze and stared at her. Her first reaction was to ask her husband why he broke his promise. His response was that on our wedding day you promised to be faithful. Seems you could not keep that promise. He was not about to keep that secret, and the humiliation was just what was needed. Her Dad took her out of the room, they could hear muffled yelling. She came out of the room with red eyes and a puffy face. She did not say a word, just took her car and went home. Her father said that she will never even think of betraying you in future. She now knows that we will disown her and we will treat her as if she died. He came home to a dark house. She was sitting with her phone in her lap. She said that she had just called her office and left multiple messages for the next day. I have exposed my AP, and I have offered my resignation. A bit of a crap storm followed. AP was a higher up at her company and it did not go well for him. She offered her testimony, and caused a shakeup in management at her company. The result was that she had a five year hole in her resume which kept her out of upper level positions for a few years. That too was placed squarely on her shoulders as fallout. They could no longer afford their home and had to move down. During the selling process, legal process and moving process all she could do was apologize and hope that this would be good for them. Upshot was that her affair affected so many parts of her life that were good before and damaged them. Their life for the first five years were not as affluent as they had been before and it was all on her. She, to her credit stepped up, took on a second job. She admits that 16 hour days purged any want to ever step out again.


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## Marc878

Sadly OP will get to go through this again.


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## NTA

> When we first got together she was living a party girl lifestyle which always made me nervous but she's always insisted I saved her from "that life" of one nightstands emotionless sex.


This advice is the for the next time: It seems like you liked the idea of saving her. A guy who admits to a lot of indiscriminate sex would not be of interest to me. We've all had our wilder days but they should be over on your accord before getting married.


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## Jrb1220

Husband34 said:


> So here it is in a nutshell. My wife and I have been together 9 years married for 5 now. Last summer my best friend who moved abroad came to visit. In the past he's flirted with her and she's flirted back always insisted its just jokes. When we first got together she was living a party girl lifestyle which always made me nervous but she's always insisted I saved her from "that life" of one nightstands emotionless sex. Fast forward to last year, we all drank heavily that night and come 1am I was tired and insisted she come to bed with me. She refused and I even said "please don't keep drinking with my best friend" she insisted she just wanted to have fun. I went upstairs and didn't turn on the AC so I could hear their conversation. I over her say that I didn't turn on the AC and that I was probably listening so they should move to the garage. This was alarming to say the least so I went outside and watched them through the window. They sat next to each other on a love seat. I watched them flirt back and forth for sometime he would put his hand on her leg and she would smile and gently take it off all flirty like. I couldn't hear but body language showed them getting more and more flirty. I saw them lock eyes and almost kiss but she turned away and did the father son and holy ghost thing as if she was praying then she turned back to him and they started full fledged making out. That's when I lost mind confronted them yelled kicked him out and then left. The next day she swears to not remember a thing and blames it on 12hrs of drinking.... she also comes back to it was just a kiss but I know in my heart if I hadn't broke it up she would have slept with him and we definitely wouldn't be together today. She was very remorseful at first. Then about 2 months later she says she can't keep hating herself for 1 mistake and now hates when I bring it up. But I'm still hurting I think about it almost daily. Part of me wishes I had not interrupted so I can say for sure she would have gone all the way. Because despite being blackout drunk she swears theres no way she would have slept with him. He's out of our lives entirely but we were friends for 20 years so he gets brought up by family or other friends once in awhile. But they have no idea what happened. So I have to internalize my pain. I didn't want to tell anyone to protect her I don't want my family to hate her.... it feels like every time she angers me or is a little cold my mind goes right to her infidelity. We have two kids a house and a great life otherwise but I fear ill never be able to fully put it behind me.... I don't know what to do. A little advice would be appreciated.


She is turning it around and manipulating you. They are still talking or messing around. Bet that!


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## GusPolinski

Not sure if I commented on this one already so here goes:

OM needs to be exposed far and wide so that he can be seen for the POS that he is. Obviously this will mean exposing your wife as well, but oh well. 🤷🏻‍♂️

Also, it kinda sounds like your wife is _still_ living the party girl lifestyle. It’s time to grow the **** up and give up drinking to the point of near blackout. JFC.


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## HappilyMarried1

Hello @Husband34 

I don't if you come back here anymore, but if you do I think this something you can get through since it has not happened before or after this incident. One thing after reading the entire thread you said in your OP that when you went upstairs you heard her tell your friend you could probably hear them and she is the one that wanted more privacy. (why) I would really want a answer to that and what was she thinking to want to go out to the garage? She was not to drunk to think about that. I think she is using the drinking as an excuse (I think the alcohol helped) but I think she wanted a little fling she would be the only to know how far she planned on going. Best of luck! I hope you come back and give everyone an update.


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## smi11ie

It sounds to me that she loves the attention. What a nightmare for you. She shouldn't be flirting with your friends. So sad that she destroyed a 20 year friendship just to feel like the popular girl. Your friend is obviously at fault too but you are not married to him. You also asked her to come to bed and she refused because she wanted to go crazy.

Good news is that she never actually had sex with him. Drinking just doesn't suit some people. I know a 50 year old guy who had his tongue down a 20 year-old's throat, in the middle of the dance floor, at a wedding. His wife was watching on mortified. The best solution for you both might be to stop drinking altogether.


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## Chuck71

OP posted multiple times back in the spring. He got excellent advice. He vanished afterwards.

He either was afraid to take advice given or stuck his head back in the sand.

Happens quite often


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## Sfort

smi11ie said:


> Good news is that she never actually had sex with him.


Assuming facts not in evidence.


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## Kaliber

@Husband34 has left the building, I think he couldn't handle the truth!
If he doesn't wise up and Alpha up he will be back later with a story that his wife had an affair!


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## Sfort

Kaliber said:


> @Husband34 has left the building, I think he couldn't handle the truth!
> If he doesn't wise up and Alpha up he will be back later with a story that his wife had an affair!


He's possibly still reading but not responding. Even when OPs leave the building, the discussion can remain relevant and helpful to others.


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## Kaliber

Sfort said:


> He's possibly still reading but not responding. Even when OPs leave the building, the discussion can remain relevant and helpful to others.


True!
One thing I couldn't understand, he says he is married for only 5 years and he is talking about lifetime alimony.. I can't register this!!
He looks like from Canada, so, do husbands in Canada pay lifetime alimony after divorce if they were only been married for 5 years??!!


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## MattMatt

Sfort said:


> He's possibly still reading but not responding. Even when OPs leave the building, the discussion can remain relevant and helpful to others.


He's not been back in four months.


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## Sfort

MattMatt said:


> He's not been back in four months.


Assuming he uses the same account or that he logs in to read.


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## arodathon

Husband34 said:


> So here it is in a nutshell. My wife and I have been together 9 years married for 5 now. Last summer my best friend who moved abroad came to visit. In the past he's flirted with her and she's flirted back always insisted its just jokes. When we first got together she was living a party girl lifestyle which always made me nervous but she's always insisted I saved her from "that life" of one nightstands emotionless sex. Fast forward to last year, we all drank heavily that night and come 1am I was tired and insisted she come to bed with me. She refused and I even said "please don't keep drinking with my best friend" she insisted she just wanted to have fun. I went upstairs and didn't turn on the AC so I could hear their conversation. I over her say that I didn't turn on the AC and that I was probably listening so they should move to the garage. This was alarming to say the least so I went outside and watched them through the window. They sat next to each other on a love seat. I watched them flirt back and forth for sometime he would put his hand on her leg and she would smile and gently take it off all flirty like. I couldn't hear but body language showed them getting more and more flirty. I saw them lock eyes and almost kiss but she turned away and did the father son and holy ghost thing as if she was praying then she turned back to him and they started full fledged making out. That's when I lost mind confronted them yelled kicked him out and then left. The next day she swears to not remember a thing and blames it on 12hrs of drinking.... she also comes back to it was just a kiss but I know in my heart if I hadn't broke it up she would have slept with him and we definitely wouldn't be together today. She was very remorseful at first. Then about 2 months later she says she can't keep hating herself for 1 mistake and now hates when I bring it up. But I'm still hurting I think about it almost daily. Part of me wishes I had not interrupted so I can say for sure she would have gone all the way. Because despite being blackout drunk she swears theres no way she would have slept with him. He's out of our lives entirely but we were friends for 20 years so he gets brought up by family or other friends once in awhile. But they have no idea what happened. So I have to internalize my pain. I didn't want to tell anyone to protect her I don't want my family to hate her.... it feels like every time she angers me or is a little cold my mind goes right to her infidelity. We have two kids a house and a great life otherwise but I fear ill never be able to fully put it behind me.... I don't know what to do. A little advice would be appreciated.


Lots of things about your story resonate with my wife. I posted about her here:








I know she lied and now I question everything


My wife and I have been together 7 years, married for 5, we met at the office she still works at. Things have been great, she is like my one true love and we have a kid together. I've always had 100% trust in her and I know she is hotter than me and I'm probably punching above my weight, but...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com





But I'll save you reading a long and argumenative thread and try and be helpful in some way.

My wife can also be flirty and I always took it to be here friendly nature, but I knew that men could take it the wrong way. I agree that it sounds like if you hadn't intervened, then she would have slept with him. My wife has admitted, on 5 separate occasions, to kissing another guy. This was horrible and upsetting, but I guess part of me was relieved that she had only kissed them, and it hadn't gone further, and that she had admitted it to me straight away. 

Looking back on it, there is good evidence that actually she did go further than just kissing them, and perhaps she was testing the waters to see what she could get away with, and what I would forgive her for.

My takeaway from this is that I let the "kiss" slide too easily, and that may have caused further cheating. Sounds like you really didn't let it slide so perhaps that has helped right the ship.

My other advice is that I think your gut instincts are usually right. You said in a reply that you were pretty certain that something like only happened once. If you really believe that, then it's probably true. Ignore the naysayers in the replies. 

There are so many things my wife has told me that really didn't add up at the time, but I trusted her, and so I ignored that nagging feeling. I'm now looking back on all those things, and reassessing them, and realising that they make a lot more sense if she was actually cheating on me. So trust your gut. 

That said, I've basically had rose tinted glasses since I met her and they are now just starting to slip. So your trust in her could be because you love her and just because of objective reality.

Is your wife a "people pleaser"? I just discovered this temr and it perfectly describes my wife, and I'm starting to see why it might be a problem.


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## VFW2

She should have gone to bed with you, but when she wouldn't, you should have sent him home. If you are going to bed, your friends don't need to be there alone with your wife. I'm not blaming you, but for future reference and to others listening. As for how do you get through this? Some people forgive immediately, while others never do. First you have to ask yourself what do you want her to do? She can't erase the past anymore than you can, so you have to decide what would help you. Actually it seems as if you two are headed forward, but it does take time. Will you ever forget? No, but you need to find a way forward.


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## Talker67

VFW2 said:


> She should have gone to bed with you, but when she wouldn't, you should have sent him home. If you are going to bed, your friends don't need to be there alone with your wife. I'm not blaming you, but for future reference and to others listening. As for how do you get through this? Some people forgive immediately, while others never do. First you have to ask yourself what do you want her to do? She can't erase the past anymore than you can, so you have to decide what would help you. Actually it seems as if you two are headed forward, but it does take time. Will you ever forget? No, but you need to find a way forward.


that def is a little odd, being as the guy was YOUR friend.
and she might have interpreted your going to bed and leaving them alone as you giving her permission to play sexually with him.

And consider, if she was getting laid in the garage with you 100' away, who ELSE has she been eagerly banging when you were not home?

Sounds like you inadvertently ended up with a Hot Wife.
If you can live with that change in the marriage....then you are all set. You do not even have to worry about the classic "how do i ask my wife to be a hot wife?", as you already know what her answer will be.

But if that is not your cup of tea, she has to go....

she gets turned on by the danger of possibly being caught. so she is going to do kinkier and more depraved sexual things chasing that thrill now. who knows who she will bring home next week, and what they will do? You might get a call from the local police to come bail her out of jail for Dogging in the local park as a crowd watched...


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## jlg07

Talker67 said:


> Sounds like you inadvertently ended up with a Hot Wife.


That's not a hot wife -- that is a CHEATING wife.


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## Talker67

jlg07 said:


> That's not a hot wife -- that is a CHEATING wife.


yes she IS a cheating wife.
if he gives her permission to cheat, she becomes a HotWife.

i was just pointing out that he already knows she would say yes to being his hotwife, as she if probably boffing a couple guys already


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## EleGirl

Zombie thread - closed


----------

