# Emotional affair



## Carihirchert (Jul 22, 2011)

Hi,
I am new here, my name is Cari. My husband and I have been married for 11 years. We have 2 kids. 

2 years ago he got back in contact with an ex girlfriend from high school on facebook. Didnt think anything of it until his facebook was open and a chat with her was up. In the chat he was asking her to send him nude pictures. I was hurt, angry, confused. I confronted him about it, he said it was a joke, he likes to joke like that with her. I wasnt laughing.

Fast forward to now, same thing happened, only much worse and Im in a lot of pain mentally. His facebook was up and a couple of chats were up. One from the ex girlfriend, in which it was from several days. He said he wanted to take a shower with her, have sex, he was inviting her over stating that I would be at work at that time. 

Another chat with an old guy friend from high school. He had gone into depth about our sex life, telling him that I dont like anal sex. His friend then suggested a bunch of toys and the he "force" the idea.

I confronted him, again he claims he is joking. I told him how hurt I was, that I wanted that kind of joking to stop. No, he didnt want to. Im hurt and angry. I go to a counseler next week, alone, as he doesnt want to go because he feels its not his problem.

To add to everything, he had been saying he wanted an ipad-type of thing through Sprint. I asked him to wait because finances werent great for us right now. When I went to pay the cell bill, I found that he had been talking with her on the phone for hours while I was at work. I asked about it, he admitted that he had been and doing video chat with her at night while I was at work. Few days later, he comes home with the pad thing, even though it was $400 we didnt have. 

Any opinions, suggestions?!
Cari


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

He's not joking - he's lying to you. He's having at least an emotional affair, maybe physical if he's asking her to come over. There's nothing in his behavior that is acceptable or appropriate for a married person - period. He's completely showing you no respect, you're going to have to explain to him that he can't treat you that way - likely by telling him that if he doesn't go completely no contact with the Ex that you're out. 

Even if he wasn't having an affair if he loved and respected you and you told him you didn't like what he was doing he would stop because he loved you.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Cari, you need to lay down the law very clearly here. You also need to enforce the 180 (read up on that) - it is basically turning cold, where you don't beg and plead with him, and you do things strictly for yourself. Focus on you. 

At the same time you need to tell him that this "joke" is a violation of your marriage and you won't stand to have another woman in your relationship. Tell him if he doesn't adhere to this then you will leave the marriage. You need to "man up" and not be a doormat here. Timing is crucial too. Do it now or he will keep walking all over you and will eventually get physical with this woman if he hasnb't already.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

He's not joking. He's trolling for sex. By refusing to stop, he's also putting her above you. So you need to enforce some reality right now. Don't wait until you see a counselor next week. Either this stops today or he finds a new place to live tomorrow. Until you're willing to enforce that kind of ultimatum, you're just blustering.

If he's low on funds now, wait until he's faced with the prospect of running two households. That should snap him out of it.

You need to put a keylogger on his computer. Put a voice-activated recorder under the seat of his car. If the other woman is married, you need to expose the affair to her husband. If you have to kick your husband out, tell his family why. I doubt many people will view it as harmless fun.

If your husband says he will end it, he needs to provide you with the passwords to his email, Facebook, phone, etc. He should probably just delete his Facebook account since he seems to use it mainly to hurt you.

Good luck.


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## Carihirchert (Jul 22, 2011)

I have been focusing on me, thats why Im going to see a therapist next week. I have anxiety and this is making it worse. I feel very deperessed and I need to talk to someone that is an objective third party, that can also help with the depression in general.

What is the 180? Is it something that is on this website? Any info would really be good, I need all the info and help I can get. I am starting to realize that I cant just let things go, I have a hard time with confrontations.

I did stand up for myself last night. Anytime I stand up for myself, he puts me down and gives me dirty looks and it just makes me feel as if I am really going crazy. Last night, we were playing around with his new pad thing, doing silly pictures with the kids. He started telling me, lets take a pic of your butt and see how it turns out. No, I dont want to I told him. He kept on about it until I got mad, really mad. Finally I yelled at him "I have said no enough times to get my point across. Now respect my answer and drop it." He glared at me and I left, he went to bed. I didnt say anything after that to him. Was the right way?
Cari


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## Carihirchert (Jul 22, 2011)

PHT, 
I have tried a similar program to keyloggers after the first time and he threw a huge fit. Uninstalled it and said if I downloaded anything to "his" computer again, he was going to get really mad. She isnt married but I think she has a boyfriend. I have the password to everything already but I dont log into them. Everytime I have found something, he has left it up. On purpose, I dont know. I think he forgot they were up. 

I think that is why he got that pad thing, he has been very uptight about it. I have asked if I could play on it, try it out. Last night he did but he was on my heals with it. And he takes it to work with him, he is very protective of it.
Cari


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Carihirchert said:


> I have been focusing on me, thats why Im going to see a therapist next week. I have anxiety and this is making it worse. I feel very deperessed and I need to talk to someone that is an objective third party, that can also help with the depression in general.


You certainly should see someone. Just don't wait a week to stake out your boundaries.



Carihirchert said:


> What is the 180? Is it something that is on this website? Any info would really be good, I need all the info and help I can get. I am starting to realize that I cant just let things go, I have a hard time with confrontations.


The 180 is short for changing your behaviors 180 degrees from what you are naturally inclined to do. It basically means to stop focusing on your husband and start focusing on yourself. Get yourself mentally ready to be independent and realize that you can do it. Even if you reconcile with your husband, you will be stronger for it. And a side effect is that frequently it is the wake-up call the wayward spouse needs to change his behavior and end the affair.
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forums: Divorce busting 180 degree list



Carihirchert said:


> I did stand up for myself last night. Anytime I stand up for myself, he puts me down and gives me dirty looks and it just makes me feel as if I am really going crazy. Last night, we were playing around with his new pad thing, doing silly pictures with the kids. He started telling me, lets take a pic of your butt and see how it turns out. No, I dont want to I told him. He kept on about it until I got mad, really mad. Finally I yelled at him "I have said no enough times to get my point across. Now respect my answer and drop it." He glared at me and I left, he went to bed. I didnt say anything after that to him. Was the right way?
> Cari


He puts you down because you often back down and let him have his way, right? If he's asking for nude pictures of you after this, either he doesn't think he's done anything serious, or he thinks he can force you to back down and ignore it.

But yes, I think you did fine. You have to communicate with him clearly and consistently that he crossed a grave line that may well break up his family. If you say that you're hurt and angry, but then let him continue to sext his girlfriend and take pictures of your butt, he'll probably decide that you're just blowing smoke and you'll get over it without any effort on his part. If you say that you're hurt and angry, ignore anything except a sincere apology from him, and start packing his bags if you catch him sexting again, he'll get the picture.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Carihirchert said:


> I have tried a similar program to keyloggers after the first time and he threw a huge fit. Uninstalled it and said if I downloaded anything to "his" computer again, he was going to get really mad.


Of course he got mad. Cheaters don't like getting caught. But this is your marriage and possibly your health (STDs) we're talking about here. Hoping for the best is not an acceptable strategy.



Carihirchert said:


> She isnt married but I think she has a boyfriend.


Expose to him. And don't warn your husband or the OW. That just gives them a chance to get their stories straight. If your husband isn't willing to end the affair, hopefully the OW will end it after being busted by her boyfriend.



Carihirchert said:


> I have the password to everything already but I dont log into them. Everytime I have found something, he has left it up. On purpose, I dont know. I think he forgot they were up.


Why aren't you checking them? If you've only caught him by his forgetting to close his accounts, then there's a good chance you are only looking at the tip of the iceburg. Start snooping.



Carihirchert said:


> I think that is why he got that pad thing, he has been very uptight about it. I have asked if I could play on it, try it out. Last night he did but he was on my heals with it. And he takes it to work with him, he is very protective of it.
> Cari


Sure. You're onto him, so he has to take his affair underground. He probably won't be so forgetful with his Facebook account in the future.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

The simple question for him or statement - if you don't think I'll like it it is not OK. If you think I would be upset, it is not OK. If you want this marriage and me you have to respect my feelings and not hurt me.

There is nothing threatening in that. It is stating the boundaries you need to feel safe and secure in your marriage. If he comes back at you angry and accusing and argumentative, state I will not be talked to that way or disrespected. If you don't want me and our marriage then leave. If he does leave, tell him as he is going he cannot come back until he is willing to respect you, your feelings and your need to feel safe and secure in your marriage.

WHen he calls begging for forgiveness, stick to the same lines and repeat them as are you ready to...... If he says yes, say OK how do you intend to do that? If his answers are not acceptable tell him they are not acceptable and when he has time to think clearly and come up with better commitments, call back. DO not argue, do not explain. You are trying to get him to understand it all on his own. If he can't, there is nothing you can do change his mind. If this goes on for more than a week or two, start protecting yourself financially and come back here and we suggest ways to do that. Peronally, I don't believe in the 180 unless you are at the absolute last resort point. Your not there yet in my opinion.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

If your having any thought of self harm, see a doctor NOW and get help.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Briefly, I don't believe in the 180 except as last rest becasue if followed exactly, it cuts off communication and is deceitful of your true feelings to your spouse. If you want to understand why I feel that way, look in the mens clubhouse for the 180 thread I wrote.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Listen to PTH here, Cari. The advice is sound and you need to hear it. This *is* the tip of the iceberg; you *are* in for a long process and struggle. Clearly your husband feels his behavior is acceptable, and he's been able to get his way for a long time, and has taken his dominant position to do as he pleases. 

It is time for that to stop, and to stop it he needs to be certain you are serious. Whih means you need a plan, so that when things get chaotic and crazy and start moving very fast, you're following the plan you've already thought about.

He doesn't respect your needs or wishes currently, he's hiding things and lying to you + making you feel bad for calling him out on it. You can either learn to live with that and the arguements and feelings it causes, or you can't. Assuming you can't, you need to determine what you will do in order to have him make the changes you require to be content and safe in your marriage, and follow that plan. It unfortunately all starts with confrontation, which I know you are afraid of, but confrontation does not have to mean yelling and screaming. This is about standing up for what you want for the rest of your life and how it will be lived --with him or without him. He needs to make significant change, so this will not be easy. But if he loves you and does not want to lose you, he will need to. Read up on the 180, and apply what fits for you but only what fits for you...it's about establishing for yourself and for him that you CAN and WILL move on without him if he's not going to take the right actions to make you secure and safe in your marriage. Good luck and sorry you are here.


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## Carihirchert (Jul 22, 2011)

So, this morning something interesting/weird happened. He works a very early shift, he usually starts about 4-4:30 am everyday. He was leaving for work today, I was kinda awake cause he was getting dressed and what not. I asked "arent you gonna say goodbye?" He responds with "I thought you were mad at me again." I asked "is there a reason I should be mad again?" He walked off with out responding. 

Im not sure how to take it. I feel stuff is going on but cant find proof. I check his facebook and emails now but Im starting to think since he has that pad thing, that he has a different email and is avoiding facebook. I dont ever have a chance to snoop on the pad thing, as he has it with him all the time and he charges it in our room. I hate snooping, how much can I really do before it becomes too much?


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## Craggy456 (Feb 22, 2011)

Cari, your H is doing the same thing mine did. He is protecting all of his electronics like a hawk. I could only use the computer @ work because he put passwords on EVERYTHING. He's trying real hard to hide his cheating from you.
You may not like snooping but it's the only way you're going to get your evidence. Can you put a voice recorder in his car somewhere? Or better, follow him?
What about when he's asleep, can you check the Ipad then? he can't watch it 24/7


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## Carihirchert (Jul 22, 2011)

No, am not able to put a voice recorder in car. No way to follow him, we have kids and usually one of us is with the kids. Right now, the only proof I have is some chat logs I printed out between the 2 of them. I also printed out our cell phone bill that shows he was on the phone with her one night for over 2 hours. Right now, I can only show that its an emotional affair, nothing more. I have no way of knowing if she has come over, though I have asked my neighbor if she could keep an eye out for a woman coming over while Im at work.

Im pretty sure right now, he's gonna slow down for a while on what he is doing until he thinks I've stopped watching him. Im gonna just keep watching and getting more evidence. Im also going to work on my self esteem and also standing up for myself to him. Let him know that I know whats going on and Im watching.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Sorry I'm not a fan of waiting till he does something to get cauhght at it and having him get deeper into it and having it explode further. I'm for putting it on the table, with or without 'proof' of more, telling him you know and will not tolerate it, and making him show you his emails, his iPad, his cell texts, everything. If he has nothing to hide, this won't be a problem. Obviously, that's not the case.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

I agree 2X.


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