# Considering infidelity.



## HiddenInSight (Jan 14, 2016)

Ok, here goes. I'm new, I came upon this site because I Googled "thinking about cheating on my husband". 

Before I even get into any details I'll be up front & say that I actually have plans to meet up, with the coworker to whom I have formed an attachment, later today. I'm already having second thoughts, reconsidering, & even feel guilty for even having planned to meet. Because of this I probably won't go through with today's meeting but I feel like there will soon come a point at which I won't care one way or another. Maybe I'm too chicken to keep a planned meeting, but what if a work function brings my coworker & I together & I decide to just go with it?

Ok, DH & I met at ages 15 & 12, respectively. Married when I was 15, just celebrated our 10the anniversary, & have three children. Our oldest was an unplanned, teen pregnancy. I got my GED, & stayed home with the children while DH parents put him through college. During the course of his collage career DH had four PAs that I'm aware of. 

Three came to be known because I found intimate pictures of the other women in his phone & one because on of the women approached us in the store & was furious to learn that he was married. I forgave him for these incidents & tried to focus on being a good wife & mom. Our relationship has always been rather one-sided. With DH being a dominant, & in my recent opinion, controlling kind of guy. I can recognize that I'm soft spoken, quiet, & submissive. DH has insisted that I be a SAHM until just last spring when I convinced him that our youngest was old enough for me to join the workforce. 

Since then I feel like I have been let out of prison. Before I started working most of my socializing was done online in mom forums or via Facebook with friends & family that DH approved of. But now, I have real female friends & several of my male coworkers have indicated that they find me attractive. Now, in the past DH has had a history of being very, harsh with his words. For example, when he cheated 4 weeks after the birth of our 2nd DS he told me that he did so because I wasn't "putting out".

Admittedly, I wasn't. A few months before I gave birth I was put on bedrest & I wasn't up for intimacy. Another more recent example of our issues, I was recently recognized at work for a job well done & it was a pretty big deal. 

My manager told my husband & an audience that I was a "gem" & that my nursing skills were "priceless". 

We got home & I was still excited & bragging & he told me to shut up because my manager doesn't really know me, & that if he did he would know how worthless I really am. This is important because I feel like his statement in this situation is what broke me. I even begged his pardon & asked him if I misheard, I didn't. He repeated himself, "you're not special, you're worthless..."

This moment woke me up to the toilet bowl that I have been living in. I would never speak or say things like this to him because he would be furious. He has all of my social media & email information. My paycheck goes to a joint account that I can't withdraw from without permission. A GPS tracker on my phone. 

Now that I have realized that so much is wrong, I started speaking up about. I tried voicing my feelings & after our last really bad fight DH got physical & my stipulation for forgiveness was for DH to consider counseling. He said he would consider, & then never spoke of it again. 

Currently, DH is living & maintaining an apartment in another state several hours away because of his job. On New Years Eve I decided to surprise him because over the phone he said he was lonely, & missed me, & was turning in early. I drove 6 hours to show up to his apartment full of people & a NYE party in full swing. When I showed up & was introduced as his wife there was a lot of side-eyeing amongst his coworkers. One of his female coworkers was very curt, borderline rude to me, & she seemed so angry before she left shortly after I arrived. 

I feel like she & my DH may have exchanged some looks or communication & I just had an off feeling about the whole situation. 

I get back to work & a coworker who has always be kind picks up that something is wrong. In the past he straightforwardly told me that he thought I was beautiful & he wanted to get to know me. He is engaged & I am married, & at that time I reiterated those facts & he said he understood. My coworker asked me to tell him my problems & I basically told him everything about my life & marriage up until now. He is 14 years older than I am, handsome, & very experienced man. 

He's been married twice. He says that I need to getaway to take my mind off of things & wants to take me out to see his masseuse later today. He's attractive & kind. But I'm not stupid & I can't pretend that I don't know what he really wants. I really just this moment in which I can be happy & in which I can hurt my husband like he has hurt me before. I know it's not right, it goes against everything I feel about marriage. 

After I read what I typed I realized that I sound like a mess but cheating on my DH is not the answer. I also realized that DH is probably cheating again, & that I need to think of exiting this crappy relationship rather than following through with something that goes against my personal beliefs. I'm not going to cheat,. So this probably isn't in the right forum, if it ever was, to get advice on how to handle all of this. I'm still going post since I was wasted so much time on typing tthe. ANY insight or advice is welcome . Thanks.


----------



## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Limited time. I had to skim a little more than I usually like to...

I didn't see where you explained why you are not divorcing him. Did I miss that?

If not, then why aren't you divorcing him?


----------



## HiddenInSight (Jan 14, 2016)

In the past I never felt like it was an option, kids too young, no where to go, etc. For all that he hasn't been the best of husband's DH is an outstanding dad & provider. He always makes an irrefutable argument for why I should forgive him too. But after reading many of the other posts up here my guy is just telling me that he has gotten better at hiding what he does.


----------



## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Please don't cheat you will only devalue yourself. You have every right to divorce him, and that's exactly what I would do. Secondly, I would avoid getting into a relationship with anyone at your work place. If the relationship goes south, it could be disastrous at work, in the very least awkward.


----------



## Sun Catcher (Dec 6, 2013)

Hidden in sight, do not cheat on him, divorce him! 

I did what you are now contemplating. My 1st husband was emotionally abusive and a narcissistic serial cheater during our over 20 year marriage. "Girlfriends" (in quotes because I soon discovered they were neither interested in the health of my marriage nor my personal well being) suggested I have a fling. It would make me feel better and show him 2 could play at this game. Well I fell for it and started an EA with a co-worker and eventually slept with him. I am not that kind of person and I felt ugly and dirty after the fact. I never spoke to my AP after the night we slept together. I confessed to my husband and filed for divorce the next day. It didn't help me in any way.

You know the worst of having been unfaithful back then. Not so much to my EH, that marriage was dead in the water and I should have divorced years before. The worst part of that degrading EA/PA was telling my current husband about it. Admitting I had cheated on my EH. That I was no better than "those" women who everyone loves to hate! 

Don't put this horrible feeling of guilt and shame on your shoulders! Don't think that having an affair will somehow even up the ante. It doesn't. You will be left feeling like a dirty slvt. I hated that I allowed myself to be brought down to that level. Just don't go there. Divorce, take care of yourself and your children first. Don't degrade yourself, keep your honor intact and hold your head high. Do get out of your marriage asap!


----------



## MovingFrwrd (Dec 22, 2015)

HiddenInSight said:


> In the past I never felt like it was an option, kids too young, no where to go, etc. For all that he hasn't been the best of husband's DH is an outstanding dad & provider. He always makes an irrefutable argument for why I should forgive him too. But after reading many of the other posts up here my guy is just telling me that he has gotten better at hiding what he does.


Based on the information presented, he sure appears to have a habit of cheating. Have the two of you tried any counseling of any sort? I don't doubt that he's a good provider, but he needs to be a good HUSBAND. I'm curious as to the irrefutable arguments, what points does he bring up to have you consider forgiveness? I tend to agree that it appears he has gotten better at hiding things. I'm assuming you have no access to his phone or e-mail either. 

Given the past you presented, a lot of red flags jump up - young marriage, teen pregnancy, cheating at nearly the onset of marriage, controlling behavior, verbally abusive remarks, there doesn't seem to be an easy solution out of this - in any way. Divorce sounds like the best option because there is an awful lot of work to be done and while you may be willing and able to put in the work, the information given on him indicates he is not willing or able to give much of an effort.

Guard yourself and your heart from other men at this time - you don't need to add fuel to the fire. Absolutely do not cheat - I see it going poorly for you.


----------



## Emmi (Dec 11, 2015)

I am glad to read that you changed your mind about cheating. It really does seem like you need to divorce your husband, I wonder if you can get an annulment based on how young you were when marrying plus the fact that he's been cheating from the very beginning.

This other man has a fiancée, he is no better than your current husband. Don't take part in hurting this woman, you are better than that.

Please don't let your husband continue to emotionally and physically abuse you, leave him without lowering yourself to his level by cheating.


----------



## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

You were married at 15 years old? Are you in the US?


----------



## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

The other man has a fiancee, and has been married twice already. He may have the same track record as your husband. I would advise what others have already said, 1) don't cheat with this guy; 2) leave your husband and divorce or have him go into counseling with you to get to the bottom of why he cheats and see if he will stop; 3) get counseling for yourself to come up with ways either to stand up to his abuse and also why you might be attracted to a guy who could be like your h. Even if the new guy was divorced twice because of reasons beyond his control, like his wives cheating, or the marriages ending under pressure, or if the second marriage was a rebound, it should be a red flag for you that this guy is coming on to you while engaged to be married. 

You were young when you met your h and married, so you need to do some work to be sure you don't fall into patterns and end up with the same kind of guy again. Your h has really disrespected you time and time and time again, so don't disrespect yourself by cheating. But if you feel this is a wake-up call and you may want to leave the marriage, I would affirm that. Just explore that and then do it, without the baggage of cheating.


----------



## MovingFrwrd (Dec 22, 2015)

Threeblessings said:


> You were married at 15 years old? Are you in the US?


That surprised me as well.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*This would be nothing more than a bonafide example of a potential "punishment affair!" To willingly participate in an affair of this magnitude, makes you absolutely no better than your H has been to you!

In the course of time, God will judge him accordingly, inclusive of all of his infidelity. If you decide to cheat, whether to spite your H or not, the Heavenly Father will hold you to those very same standards! Will you have an acceptable answer for Him?

Please don't go "immoral" ~ divorce first*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Feeling lost and lonely (Dec 15, 2015)

My wife cheated on me repeatedly and offered me to do the same when we argued about our lack of intimacy thinking it would "make me feel better"
I would still have to live with it for the rest of my life with or without staying married to her. I say leave him before you have an affair.

Sent from my XT830C using Tapatalk


----------



## thebirdman (Apr 5, 2014)

HiddenInSight;14663977
After I read what I typed I realized that I sound like a mess but cheating on my DH is not the answer. I also realized that DH is probably cheating again said:


> I think you have come to a good conclusion. Sometimes all we need is to lay everything out in front of us. It provides clarity.
> 
> Your marriage has major issues. You're going to have to evaluate it and decide if you believe it can be saved or is worth saving or if it's just best to move on. Either way the road will continue to be hard for a while.
> 
> ...


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Amongst other things, I think you got married way too young. And which country do you live in ? Getting married at 15 is illegal in many countries and your husband would go to jail for statutory rape.


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Echoing what everyone else has already said. And just want to add that this male coworker is no "friend" to you. Don't let his charms fool you. He's a lowlife cad who is likely trying to cheat on his fiancée. Plus he has a dismal track record of two failed marriages. And his offer to take you for a massage? Very strange workplace behavior indeed. I wonder what the boss would think about that.

Best of luck. Stay strong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Take the high road and keep your character intact. Do NOT cheat.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Both men are pathetic losers. The OM more so.

Do you even see how low his opinion of you has to be?

He wants to treat a wife and mother like nothing more than a cheap piece of ass.

Don't live down to his expectations.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

A revenge affair will hurt you. Trust me. I have personal experience of this. 

What would i suggest You could do? Divorce the cad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

HiddenInSight said:


> After I read what I typed I realized that I sound like a mess but *cheating on my DH is not the answer*.
> 
> I also realized that DH is probably cheating again, & that* I need to think of exiting* this crappy relationship rather than following through with something that goes against my personal beliefs. I'm not going to cheat,.
> 
> So this probably isn't in the right forum, if it ever was, to get advice on how to handle all of this. I'm still going post since I was wasted so much time on typing the. ANY insight or advice is welcome . Thanks.


You have the answers..... you even told us

If what you have said is how you see married life and you have reached the end of what you can tolerate and 
you think counselling is not the answer and you do not want to remain with your husband then the next step is what you must take

*The last thing is to get involved in any relationship* until you have sorted out your current one...and
thinking someone who will cheat on his GF/Wife is remotely what you want to get involved with again...ermmm?

You have the answers

Talk to mum a friend ...someone you can open up too......please make sure its a women

Take care


----------



## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

Your husband is a complete jerk and loser! Why would you want to stay with him? The coworker is willing to cheat on his fiance with a married woman? Another loser! Divorce your husband asap and try to stay away from a$%holes.


----------



## HiddenInSight (Jan 14, 2016)

Good morning everyone! Thank you all for your advice, & constructive criticism. Even though we're online it still makes a difference to have someone else's opinion, more so since I don't really have friends or family who would understand me in this situation. 

To answer some of your questions:

Concerning my age-
I'm from Alabama, where it's legal to be married as young as 14 with parental consent & w/o parental consent if you're pregnant. 

And I promise I'm not some backwoods, ******* who's married to her uncle-brother. I am well spoken, an avid reader, & educated to the extent that my DH has felt comfortable with (a 2 year ADN at the local college).

I am from a small, rather strict community in which both my parents & in-laws are/were active in the community & county & state politics. When I became pregnant both our parents consented & pushed for us to marry. DH didn't object at all, but I held off until a month before my oldest was born. I will say that I experienced a great deal of pressure from both sides to marry him due to our families strict religious beliefs & extreme preoccupation with what our community would think if our baby was born out of wedlock. 

My husband's reasons for me to forgive him every time he does something outrageous-

He's a federal government official who is occasionally in the public eye, marital issues won't be good for his career. I need to think of the people who would be affected if he lost his source of income. By that he means my mom, he handles all of her bills & finances since she's getting on in years. And also the children, because how would I support them & my mom on a nurses salary? 

Because of her health, MIL has lived with us since FIL passed away. She's like a second mom to me. She's the one who influenced DH to let me get my ADN. I oversee her health care. DHs question, who would take care of mom if we separate? MIL knows a lot about what goes on but she has an old-fashioned "that's just how men are" attitude. 

According to her I should just be a good wife & mom & look the other way when he messes up. My own mom feels that because he is such a good provider that's all that matters & I need to woman up. 

Another of his reasons why he should be forgiven is because no one else would have me; a woman with 3 kids, a mediocre education, & who's not that great in bed.

Also, quote, he "loves" me.

He's hit me 3 times in all our years together. The first time he bloodied my nose when I found out about his collage affairs & told him I would leave hime & tell everyone in our community that he's a cheat. Second time, was when I found out about a one night stand he had while working in NY. I tried to gather up my kids to leave & that provoked him to punch me. 

The last time was just around the end of last year. He frequently has drinks with coworkers & during a moment of jealousy I told him that maybe I should start having drinks with my male coworkers. He smacked me & his ring sliced my cheek pretty badly. I know that these occurrences probably count as domestic violence to some of you. But it only happened these times & it's been literally years between each occasion. 

He has apologized & agonized over losing his temper so completely. Saying that the thought of me leaving & taking his kids made his so mad he couldn't think about what he was doing. This last time he cried & helped me get cleaned up immediately after. Saying that the thought of me spending time with another man made him act before thinking. His mom even spoke to him after this occurred & he promised he will not lift another finger to me, no matter what. 

I have said that I have forgiven him, but I'm still very resentful I just don't show it. I think that my MIL sees me braking & she has told me that "women need to have fun, we just have to be more discreet than men..."

I'm pretty sure that she was condoning an affair. 

I desperately want satisfaction & fulfillment & yes, I'm selfish enough to want revenge against him. I've done lots more thinking since my original post & reading y'alls advice. I'm supposed to meet my coworker at lunch time & I'm definitely not going. But it'snot because of any moral superiority or a pure soul. It'seems because I'm too weak & don't have the guts to take any power for myself.

Typing it out really makes it clear how hopeless & pathetic my situation is. But thanks again to everyone who responded.


----------



## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

HiddenInSight said:


> *He's hit me 3 times* in all our years together. The *first time *he bloodied my nose when I found out about his collage affairs & told him I would leave hime & tell everyone in our community that he's a cheat. *Second time*, was when I found out about a one night stand he had while working in NY. I tried to gather up my kids to leave & that provoked him to punch me.
> 
> *The last time* was just around the end of* last year*. He frequently has drinks with coworkers & during a moment of jealousy I told him that maybe I should start having drinks with my male coworkers. He smacked me & his ring sliced my cheek pretty badly. I know that these occurrences probably count as domestic violence to some of you. But it only happened these times & it's been literally years between each occasion.


Jeez ... What a Slimy low life

Once is one time too much - though I can understand a guy walking in and finding there wife in bed with 
another guy losing it.....not right though

You are worth so much more and your children should be in a normal loving home if its with two people or 
just one

You are obviously a nice women who attracts men...case in point with Mr Slimeball 2 at work

Please talk to someone face to face..counsellor..friend..a women whos strong and has a lot of experience 
would go a long way for you to set a straight path on getting to where you want to go


----------



## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

You need to divorce him rather than cheating on him, if for no other reason than I would expect extreme violence if he caught you, given his previous behavior.


----------



## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

HiddenInSight said:


> Good morning everyone! Thank you all for your advice, & constructive criticism. Even though we're online it still makes a difference to have someone else's opinion, more so since I don't really have friends or family who would understand me in this situation.
> 
> To answer some of your questions:
> 
> ...


You do understand how typical it is for the abused to defend the abuser....right? 

In each of your descriptions of the abuse...it sure smacks of rationalizing his attacks.....that YOU provoked him. You know that's not true....everyone gets to be responsible for their own actions.

HE WILL NOT STOP HITTING YOU...until he has faced some repercussions. Protect yourself


----------



## HiddenInSight (Jan 14, 2016)

I'm not trying to defend him, I'm trying to be logical & fair. The last time, before I said what I said about going out for drinks, I think I subconsciously knew what his reaction would be. Unfortunately, I still let my mouth run away from me.


----------



## MRR (Sep 14, 2015)

So...

Neither your husband NOR this other man value you; you realize that right? 

Do YOU value YOURSELF? If so, you will not cheat. And if you do cheat, you will value yourself even less. As far as the other man, he SEEMS kind and interested but only for one reason. The guy is divorced 2x and now engaged and clearly wants sex. As soon as you shut that down he will move on to the next target. He sees you as nothing special either. 

Prove them both wrong. Divorce your husband and live a good life and only associate with AVAILABLE men who treat you well (no physical or verbal abuse) and put your own needs first. You will then be able to provide your kids of a good example of a happy mother.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Leave him. He deserves it. 

Don't cheat on him. You don't deserve it. 

Anything else is excuses.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jelly_bean (Sep 23, 2014)

Hidden in Sight you know what you need to do. My god I read your post and it was me probably at the same age, I assume you are around 24-25. I wish I had found something like this site when I was at the point you are at right now. Instead I made that meeting, and I made I again, and then finally ended up in a PA. It was the biggest mistake I ever made because it made me feel like scum, it took my power away in a way. Right now you know you are being the best Mom and Wife you can in your situation, that is power to hold your head up high. That power is gone if you cheat, you are just as bad as him. Then it hangs on you like a Scarlet Letter. When my STBXH from my second marriage cheated on my the first time I felt it was karma for my bad behavior in my previous marriage. In fact I let a lot of bad behavior like the emotional abuse you are experiencing now exist for 12 years because I still held that badge of dis-honor, thinking I was getting what I deserved.

Since it sounds like you have been in a emotionally abusive relationship for a long time I get the fear, you are worried his anger will escalate and you have been a victim for so long you are fearfully of those outbursts because even though he may not lay a hand on you emotional abuse can be just as painful. But you need to be strong and leave this man, not only because he is a serial cheater but because he is abusive and he will teach your children to be abusive. You have the power to end this cycle right now I promise you will find the strength and the support from family and places like TAM to get your life back.

Good luck


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

He is an abusive cheater.

All of the other details of your life together will never change that fact. They don't soften it; they don't contextualize it; they don't excuse it.

Contemplating an affair is like fiddling while Rome is burning. Your marriage is a bad one. He is obviously cheating now. Very, very obviously.

Get a divorce. I don't think you'll get different advice from any objective listener.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

HiddenInSight,

There are several things that I’d like to address.

The first is that I am glad that you decided to not cheat. When you have your next relationship, it needs to be with someone who respects you and who you respect. You deserve so much more than you have had in your marriage. Many good men will not even date, much less marry, a woman who has cheated on a previous husband. You are better than that. 

The times that you husband hit you are domestic violence. Domestic violence is a crime. You gave us his “reasons” (excuses) for hitting you. They do not hold water. Why? Because there is never a valid reason/excuse for hitting one’s spouse. The last time he hit you, of course he was very apologetic, put on a good show of remorse and helped you clean up. It was an act. Why? Because if you had called the police he could have been charged with domestic violence. Since he hit you with is ring, it can be considered that he used a weapon. That ups the charges quite a bit. A charge of domestic violence would have most likely lead to him losing his job immediately.

Please do some reading on the “cycle of abuse”, you will see that right after the abuse occurs the offender enters into a reconciliation/honeymoon phase where they are ever so sorry and nice to their victim. Abuse is about control. Abusers have a need to control their victim through emotional/verbal abuse and often physical abuse.

Note that sometimes the abuse is emotional abuse with sporadic episodes of physical abuse. In these cases physical abuse is only used when the victim is showing independence and the abuser is starting to lose their control over the victim. His act of hitting you was to up the ante to put you back in your place as a submissive wife who he can control using verbal/emotional abuse. So far that’s working for him. It’s not working very well for you. As you get older, you will get more independent. And as you do, the level of violence will increase. It always does.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycle_of_abuse

Your statement that you sort of led him to hit you by saying that you would go out and drink with your male co-workers is a typical victim making excuses for their abuser. There is no reason/excuse for him hitting you that is acceptable - NONE AT ALL. Do some reading, a lot of reading, about abuse. You are doing the typical excuse making because that is the only way you can live with the truth of the horrible situation you are in.

I strongly suggest that you find an organization near you that provides support for victims of domestic abuse/violence and get into counseling ASAP. 

(next topic will be in my next post)


----------



## Vulcan2013 (Sep 25, 2013)

You can marry young in the southern U.S. Don't even have to be blood relatives. 

Your H sounds horrible. You have a precious chance to work on yourself, exit the marriage, and do it with your head held high because you took the high road. 

The OM is unworthy of you. You would be leaving a cheater for another cheater. Tell your H next time he hits you, you will call 911 and file DV charges.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

HiddenInSight said:


> In the past I never felt like it was an option, kids too young, no where to go, etc. For all that he hasn't been the best of husband's DH is an outstanding dad & provider. He always makes an irrefutable argument for why I should forgive him too. But after reading many of the other posts up here my guy is just telling me that he has gotten better at hiding what he does.


Do you want to live a life where you can hold your head up high, smile at strangers and friends alike without first thinking "do they know? do they talk about me?" Do you want your kids to look at you with love, instead of ashamed of you?

Then just divorce your husband and retain your dignity.

And in the meantime, read this book: http://www.mdjunction.com/forums/em...ndy-bancrofts-why-does-he-do-that-read-online


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

HiddenInSight,

Ok, next topic here… him being a good provider and divorce.

How old are your children?

How old are your mother and your MIL?

Since your husband lives in another city where he works, how often does he come home? How much mail does he still get at the house where you live?

If you divorce him, you will get child support until your children are 18. You can also ask for alimony (spousal support).

In 2016, your husband getting a divorce will NOT hurt his career. He will not lose his source of income over a divorce. So many people divorce these days that it is common and acceptable. Anyone who is telling you that a divorce will hurt his job is clueless about this topic. If your husband is telling you that, it’s him using one more thing to control you.

You can get temporary alimony, on top of child support, until the divorce if final. You might be able to get interim alimony because you need to increase your earning potential; meaning you go back to school for your bachelor degree in nursing. Basically, through the end of the divorce, you will get about 50% of your joint income.

Alimony in Alabama | DivorceNet.com

In Alabama, misconduct (affair) could lead to you not getting spousal support. Yet another reason to not cheat.

Alabama Divorce Source: Alabama Alimony

Alimony in Alabama | DivorceNet.com

Asset and debt division will be along the lines of 50/50. 

Do you have any idea what your assets are? Does your husband control those? You need to find out what they are and where they are. I suggest that you get photo copies of everything you can. Even just an account number helps because your lawyer can subpoena the records for the financial institution. 

If you do not have access to the last 7 years of taxes, you can request tax transcripts from the IRS. They are a good source to find out what your husband has. Another good way to get info is to get his credit report. You can do this online.

Also make sure that you have your husband’s social security number.

Dividing Property in Alabama | DivorceNet.com

Since your husband could be said to no longer be living with you, he has his own apartment. When you file for divorce, you can ask the court to make it so that you have sole use of your home. He has sole use of his apartment. That way he has no rights to even enter your house. It does not matter if he is part owner of the house. It’s as though you rent it and so he would have to make arrangements to enter the home.



HiddenInSight said:


> how would I support them & my mom on a nurses salary?


You say that he handles all of you mom’s bills & finances. Do you mean that he has access to your money and pays her bills? Does he also put money towards her bills? Do you know how much she has in income and what her bills are? You will most likely need to take this over. Depending on her income, she might be able to get food stamps, welfare, and other aid.

Again, how much detail do you have on your mother’s income and her bills? Do you know how much extra a month she needs? Or do you know if she really does not need more? 



HiddenInSight said:


> Because of her health, MIL has lived with us since FIL passed away. She's like a second mom to me. She's the one who influenced DH to let me get my ADN. I oversee her health care. DHs question, who would take care of mom if we separate? MIL knows a lot about what goes on but she has an old-fashioned "that's just how men are" attitude.


If you are the one who takes care of you MIL, this might stay the same. Do you really think your husband wants to take care of his mother? And if either of you are uncomfortable about it, she will have to move and her son (your husband) will need to step up to the plate. After all she could move in with him. It might crimp his style, but that is not your concern.



HiddenInSight said:


> According to her I should just be a good wife & mom & look the other way when he messes up. My own mom feels that because he is such a good provider that's all that matters & I need to woman up.


Of course you MIL says this. She has it made. She has you as a nurse maid. I’m an old woman, I want a nurse made too… where do I find one?  

Was your FIL like your husband? Did he cheat? Did he abuse your MIL?

You MIL does not want her situation to change. And if that means that you end up spending your life in a marriage with an abuser, she’s ok with that as long as her own needs are met.



HiddenInSight said:


> Another of his reasons why he should be forgiven is because no one else would have me; a woman with 3 kids, a mediocre education, & who's not that great in bed.
> 
> Also, quote, he "loves" me.


Now you know that it’s not true that no one else will have you. That’s just more emotional abuse on his part. Note what that statement does to you…. you buy into it at some level and thus stay in the marriage. It preserves his control over you. 

The statement that he “loves” you, is more control. He might love you in his own way… but he does not have the capacity to love you in a way that a husband should love his wife.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

turnera said:


> Do you want to live a life where you can hold your head up high, smile at strangers and friends alike without first thinking "do they know? do they talk about me?" Do you want your kids to look at you with love, instead of ashamed of you?
> 
> Then just divorce your husband and retain your dignity.
> 
> And in the meantime, read this book: FREE - Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That" Read Online


HA! You beat me to it Tunera! I was going to suggest that book. (free is better)

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men


----------



## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
The answer to any problem is never another problem. That only serves to further complicate the original problem. Cheating will in no way help your situation and will, most assuredly, introduce unwanted complexity along with sullying your reputation and besmirching your integrity.

Also, this "attractive and kind" gentleman vying for your attention is not being kind. He is manipulating you to acquire what he wants and, as you said, you are not stupid, so you know what that is. I am somewhat perplexed as to how you find him attractive since he is morally bankrupt and so lacking in honor. He wants to "start something" with a married woman while he is engaged? What of his fiance and your H and 3 kids? How could you see him as anything but vile? But I digress.

You two married young which is problematic at the onset but what makes it worse is that your H was not then, nor is he now, mature enough for a grown up relationship and he has no respect for you. Violence is almost never the way to handle a situation but is to be expected from immature individuals as is selfishness, deceit and a severe lack of empathy.

Your options are limited, given your situation and familial entanglements but there are options. In any event, you should not allow him to abuse you. If he fears losing his job/income then perhaps remind him that if he lays hand on you again you will file charges and he may lose more than that.

You too are lacking in maturity in that you do not have the moxie to prevent his philandering and abuse. You must however, at some point, decide that you will no longer subjugate yourself to this kind of treatment. Once you do you will begin to see that there are other opportunities in life for a bright, determined, faithful woman. Your best course of revenge on him is to let him see what a jewel he so casually discarded, if he ever matures enough to be able to.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

manfromlamancha said:


> Amongst other things, I think you got married way too young. And which country do you live in ? Getting married at 15 is illegal in many countries and your husband would go to jail for statutory rape.


The legal age of consent in the USA is confusing.

It can be 18, or 16, or 15, or even 12, under some circumstances.

https://globaljusticeinitiative.files.wordpress.com/2011/12/united-states-age-of-consent-table11.pdf


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

The legal age for marriage has changed in Alabama, but according to this, it used to be 14. This article is from 2003. al.com: Special Report

You have grown up believing that you lack value. This has been reinforced by the older women in your life. You seem to think that the man you are considering having an affair with values you, but he does not. He does not value his fiancee. He is a cheater. Why would you want to join yourself with yet another cheater? It does not make sense.

See an attorney and get advice on exactly what to do about your situation. He can establish a plan that will be best for you and your children.

In the event of a divorce, your husband will be responsible for a larger portion of childcare than you will, in addition to his child support and possible alimony. Do yourself a favor and do not cheat. It puts you in a much better position in all respects.

With your husband living away from you, this gives you many advantages. You can prepare a plan. This plan should include protection for you. Do not inform your mil of what you are doing. She does not have your best interests at heart, nor those of your children even.

Here is a website for abused women with lots of great information. A Cry For Justice | Awakening the Evangelical Church to Domestic Violence and Abuse in its Midst


----------



## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Ele has given you some excellent advice. I'm not saying it will be easy, but I do believe it will be better. Material things don't equal happy. Just because he keeps a roof over your head and food on the table doesn't mean you are living. A good man doesn't cheat on his wife, or hit her. Ever. Not even once. 

My wife cheated on me. I found out about it and didn't hit her. Hell, I was even pretty good to her in the divorce and division of marital assets. What would your H do if he caught you cheating?

Better to get out of that relationship while you can. Even if it means a bit of a struggle at first.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I've been thinking about you and your situation. What seems to be happening is that you feel trapped in your marriage and are trying to do something to regain some power by doing to your husband some of what he has done to you. Reducing yourself to his level does not give you power. What gives you power is taking control of your own life and not letting other people control you, including your mother or mil. They are adults. They couldn't be that old. How old is your mother? Your mil? They are not your responsibility. They are used to having a man take care of them, which is why they give you such rotten advice that enables your husband to abuse you. They don't know how to take care of themselves, but they are perfectly capable of learning. That is not on you to deal with. That is on them. You are taking on the responsibilities that others should be taking for themselves. That does not really help anyone, least of all you.

There is a lot that you can to do get out of the situation that you are currently in. Take a step back and think about it. You are now not under your husband's thumb as you were before, because you have a job and he has moved away. Those two things are huge. Further, you do have an education for skilled position and as others have mentioned, you could probably go back to school and get your BS in nursing. For one thing, your husband would be your ex and would not be able to stop you.

You are used to being demeaned and manipulated. That is what is going on here. You are taking a dangerous rode of revenge, when the better way is to take responsibility for yourself and your children, let go of responsibility for other adults that should be doing that for themselves, and make a plan to get into a much better position in life where you are divorce from an abusive man and are free to find someone of honor. If you do cheat and continue down this road of degradation you will have a hard time finding an honorable man in the future, because you dishonored yourself with adultery.

Change your perspective and change your life. You can do it.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

In hopes that you are still reading here…

I know that is it very hard to leave a marriage, even a really bad one. It can seem something too big to ever be able to accomplish. Sort of like moving a mountain. You cannot move a mountain. But if you had a plan, people to help you and a lot of dump trunks you could do it… one step at a time.

Think of your marriage and your husband as that mountain.

You needs help to do this. So build a support team. Clearly your mother and MIL are not part of your support team, not right now anyway. 

To build a support team start with a domestic abuse organization near you. Get into counseling. Here is the nation hotline number… 1 800 799 7233. They can help you find a place that will help you. Get into counseling. You really need it.

Then get some friends who will support you. If you have none right now make some. How do you do that? Well there is often a support group meeting at domestic abuse centers. You might be able to get some support there. In 1996 when I was divorcing my son’s father, I met a woman going through the same thing. We helped each other out a lot. She’s is still my BFF to this day.

Or go to a place like Find your people - Meetup and find activities that you like doing. They have things that you can do by yourself and some that you can do with your children. There are also women’s groups. Get out there and get active. Build a support system.

So the next thing to do is to break out all the times that you need to do to leave your marriage. Write them down in a to-do list. Then just start working your plan. It’s a lot easier to do one step at a time. And somehow the big goal.. moving that mountain takes care of itself.

One day you will have worked all of your plan steps and the only thing left to do is to get the final divorce papers after the 

Since your husband has been physically violent, I am leave in the items below for a safety plan. What do you do if he ever gets violent again? How do your protect yourself and your children? 

========================================

*Get a support system: *



 Find a local organization that provides counseling and help for victims of domestic abuse (emotional and physical). Get into counseling with them. They will have sliding scale counseling. 
.
 Also check into legal aid in your area. 
.
 Talk to attorneys and do research on the internet to find out your rights in divorce. Be informed. Check out legal aid in your area. Ask the domestic abuse organization if they have a list of attorneys who do pro-bono work or very low fee work and how specialize in cases of divorce with domestic abuse. Most will have such a list. Many attorneys will give a half hour free consultation. If you have a good list of questions, you can learn about your rights and how the local court system handles specific issues. You might even find an attorney that you really like.

Also, since it seems that you husband keeps money from you (another form of domestic abuse) you probably do not have the money to file for divorce. You can ask an attorney to get a court order for your part of legal fees to be paid out of marital assets/income.

Do It Yourself Forms

Child Support Forms


 Let a trusted family member, friend, coworker or neighbor know your situation. Develop a plan for when you need help; code words you can text if in trouble, a visual signal like a porch light: on equals no danger, off equals trouble. 
.
 Set up a ‘safe address’ and ‘safe storage space’. If you have a trusted friend/family-member, ask them if you can use their address for some things and if you can store some things at their place… like a box of important papers. If you do not have someone who will help you out in this way, rent a PO Box and a small storage space. Use the ‘safe addresses for your mail. Use the ‘safe storage space’ to keep important things you will need like: 
.

 your mail from the ‘safe address’
.
 All account info and ATM card for your personal checking account
.
 Copies of all financial paperwork, filed tax forms, etc. 
.
 Certified copies of birth certificates, marriage license, passports, 
.
 Car title, credit cards, etc
.
 Social security cards for yourself and your children. And get your husband’s social security number. 
.
 Citizenship documents (such as your passport, green card, etc.) 
.
 Titles, deeds and other property information 
.
 Medical records
.
 Children's school and immunization records
.
 Insurance information
.
 Welfare identification
.
 Valued pictures, jewelry or personal possessions

* Your safety Plan: * this is so that you can leave immediately if things get out of hand. 
.

 Know the phone number to your local battered women's shelter. 
.
 Keep your cell phone on you at all times for dialing 911. It’s best to dial 911. You need to establish a record of his abuse. So call 911 and start creating that record. If you think that it is not safe for you to leave, ask the 911 operator to send the police so that they can ensure your and your child’s safety when you leave. 
.
 If you are injured, go to a doctor or an emergency room and report what happened to you. Ask that they document your visit. 
.
 Keep a journal of all violent incidences, noting dates, events and threats made. 
.
 Keep any evidence of physical abuse, such as pictures. 
.
 You can get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and keep it on you at all times when you are around your husband. This way you can get recordings of the abuse. 
.
 Plan with your children and identify a safe place for them. Reassure them that their job is to stay safe, not to protect you. 
.
 If you need to sneak away, be prepared. Make a plan for how and where you will escape. 
.
 Back your car into the driveway, and keep it fueled. Keep your driver's door unlocked and other doors locked for a quick escape. 
.
 Hide an extra set of car keys. 
.
 Set money aside. Open a checking account in your name only and put your paycheck (or a portion of it) in that account. Do not use the address of the home you live in with him for this checking account. Use your ”safe address” to the account and keep all of the paperwork related to the account in your “safe storage space”. 
.
 Pack a bag. Include an extra set of keys, IDs, car title, birth certificates, social security cards, credit cards, marriage license, clothes for yourself and your children, shoes, medications, banking information, money" anything that is important to you. Store them at a trusted friend or neighbor's house. Try to avoid using the homes of next-door neighbors, close family members and mutual friends. 
.
 Take important phone numbers of friends, relatives, doctors, schools, etc. 
.
 Know abuser's schedule and safe times to leave
.
 Be careful when reaching out for help via Internet or telephone. Erase your Internet browsing history, websites visited for resources, e-mails sent to friends/family asking for help. If you called for help, dial another number immediately after in case abuser hits redial. 
.
 Create a false trail. Call motels, real estate agencies and schools in a town at least six hours away from where you plan to relocate. 
.
* After Leaving the Abusive Relationship *


If you get a restraining order, and the offender is leaving: 
.

 Change your locks and phone number. 
.
 Change your work hours and route taken to work. 
.
 Change the route taken to transport children to school. 
.
 Keep a certified copy of your restraining order with you at all times. 
.
 Inform friends, neighbors and employers that you have a restraining order in effect. 
.
 Give copies of the restraining order to employers, neighbors and schools along with a picture of the offender. 
.
 Call law enforcement to enforce the order. 
.
 To prepare for leaving: 
.
 Consider renting a post office box or using the address of a friend for your mail. Be aware that addresses are on restraining orders and police reports. Be careful to whom you give your new address and phone number. 
.
 Change your work hours, if possible. 
.
 Alert school authorities of the situation. 
.
 Consider changing your children's schools. 
.
 Reschedule appointments if the offender is aware of them. 
.
 Use different stores and frequent different social spots. 
.
 Alert neighbors, and request that they call the police if they feel you may be in danger. 
.
 Talk to trusted people about the violence. 
.
 Replace wooden doors with steel or metal doors. Install security systems if possible. Install a motion sensitive lighting system. 
.
 Tell people you work with about the situation and have your calls screened by one receptionist if possible. 
.
 Tell people who take care of your children who can pick up your children. Explain your situation to them and provide them with a copy of the restraining order. 
.
 Call the telephone company to request caller ID. Ask that your phone number be blocked so that if you call anyone, neither your partner nor anyone else will be able to get your new, unlisted phone number.
.

.


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> The legal age of consent in the USA is confusing.
> 
> It can be 18, or 16, or 15, or even 12, under some circumstances.
> 
> https://globaljusticeinitiative.files.wordpress.com/2011/12/united-states-age-of-consent-table11.pdf


Not according to the table you provided slink to, Matt!


----------



## Popcorn2015 (Sep 10, 2015)

Does your husband's family know what a scumbag he is? How about your family?


----------



## HiddenInSight (Jan 14, 2016)

Hello again everyone. Once more, thank you ladies & gentlemen for the outpouring of support & advice. Since I created my original post I have done a lot of thinking, reading, & have begun researching my options. I want to be clear that I didn't go meet my coworker & have no intention to ever do so. That's honestly not who I am. 

He called & inquiried of my whereabouts I told him that I realized meeting him outside of work was inappropriate to both our families. He was very understanding, yet insistent that he just wanted me to meet his massage therapist because I need some me time. 

I thanked him & declined & that's the end of that. 

Currently, DH is not open to couples counseling but I have decided to find a counselor to talk with on my own. DH isn't a scumbag to anyone else, just me. He loves & protects our children fiercely & I don't want to damage the relationship between them. Hopefully, a counselor will be able to help me determine what I can do to get us on the right track. I'm thinking that I could speak up more often about what is appropriate when he is away from home & I could definitely try harder to curb my tongue so that I don't start an altercation. 

I just want to exhaust every effort to fix myself & my marriage before I go down the road to divorce. Again, thank you to everyone who has been a voice of reason when I was one step away from doing something so wrong. You are more appreciated than you will ever know.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

manfromlamancha said:


> Not according to the table you provided slink to, Matt!


If you read through the tables you will see every one of those ages. In fact it looks as if that in some states they can even abolish the legal age in some individual cases, at least in theory.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Popcorn2015 said:


> Does your husband's family know what a scumbag he is? How about your family?


She said they are well aware, but they enable him and encourage her to stay with him. If she divorces him, they will be required to take responsibility for themselves.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

HiddeninSight

You have been given great advice.

And I think it is a great idea to get a professional counselor for advice and guidance.

but remember this.

It takes two to repair a marriage. Not one.

Your husband is a liar. 
Your husband is a cheater.
Your husband is verbally abusive.
Your husband is physically abusive.

You have every valid reason to divorce him.

You not only need a counselor but a good lawyer.

What you should do before you ask your husband to join you in counseling is to document the abuse with your lawyer.

Then ask your husband if he truly wants to work on the marriage. Make it clear to him that you will no longer tolerate the lies, infidelity, verbal or physical abuse.

If he threatens you or is threatening in any way let him know the marriage is over and you will divorce him. Make it clear you have documented the abuse with your attorney and that you will no longer tolerate this behavior.

Then you will see if he is truly willing to work on the marriage.

I think from your description of him he does not love you but I could be wrong.

Protect yourself. Protect your children.

Make a plan. You and your kids are worth it.

Look at the serious, specific advice given her and use it with your counselor and attorney.

You were smart enough to come here and that means a lot to all of us.

Good luck and keep us posted....

HM


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

HiddenInSight said:


> Hello again everyone. Once more, thank you ladies & gentlemen for the outpouring of support & advice. Since I created my original post I have done a lot of thinking, reading, & have begun researching my options. I want to be clear that I didn't go meet my coworker & have no intention to ever do so. That's honestly not who I am.
> 
> He called & inquiried of my whereabouts I told him that I realized meeting him outside of work was inappropriate to both our families. He was very understanding, yet insistent that he just wanted me to meet his massage therapist because I need some me time.
> 
> ...


It sounds like you are moving in the right direction.

Can your marriage be saved? There is a possibility. Put some time limits on it so that you are not there 20 years from now in a bad marriage wondering where all the years went. Until thing do get better, or you decide to leave check progress every 3-6 months. If in 3 months there has not been significant improvement you might want to consider leaving.

You said that you need to learn to not provoke him. I agree that everyone should not provoke their spouse into a fight/argument. Be your husband also needs to learn how to behave like loving husband and he cannot hit you, push you, or otherwise hurt and/or threaten you. I'm hoping that you will tell him to that if he ever hits you again that you will call 911 and have him arrested. He needs to know that someone besides you will stop him from abusing you.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Also...

Since it sounds like you are not going to leave him, at least right now, make sure you have a safety plan.

Also, when you talk to the counselor, talk to them about how to talk to you husband about the need for all of your martial assets/income to be open to you and you both manage them instead of him controlling it. There is something called 'financial abuse'. It is a kind a emotional abuse because it limits your independence to the point that you cannot leave him.

I think that, if you are staying with him, you need to insist that you start working on a Bachelor degree in nursing. Can the classes you have for you AA be applied to a bachelor in nursing, or would you need to start from scratch?


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Couples counseling does not work in abusive situations, so it's fine that your husband is not open to couples counseling. It wouldn't do any good unless your husband is willing to change his ways. Instead your husband has convinced you that you need him so much that you will put up with being mistreated and lied to. Hopefully you will soon reject those ideas.

I'm glad you are beginning to research and learn. This will help you make changes to your life so you can be safe and healthy.


----------



## longtermdude (Jan 23, 2013)

HiddenInSight, 

Oh wow! Um I must be blunt, that is one of the ****tiest situations I have ever read. Why would you stay in this relationship? On the cheating thoughts, it's not worth it! Exit this relationship, find you and then find someone that will treat you like you deserve, this relationship you are in is BS and honestly kind of dangerous on many levels. I have male friends like him, they are a waste and need to be single and not wasting the time of an awesome wife which they truly do not care about. Move on please!


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

HiddenInSight, 

You need to be tested for STDs. Your husband's cheating exposes you to the potential of getting all kinds of STD's.

If you continue to have sex with him, he needs to wear a condom to protect you. Thought my suggestion is no more sex with him.


----------



## Hurtconfusedtired (Jan 15, 2016)

Don't do it if there are problems leave just don't cheat no excuse for it at all. Sorry my husband did it to me I did stay with him and we are working in things. There is not much worse than cheating on your loved one I don't care the excuse weather it's loneliness,loss of feelings, or revenge, one the hurt never goes away and then there is the fact if you do cheat and the one you are cheating with becomes your next partner they then always have in the back of there minds well they cheated with me they will probably do so on me. Never any real trust that way. My advice never never do it.


----------



## Kelly:( (Jan 15, 2016)

I hope you didn'tgo through with meeting up with your coworker. Please don't do this out of respect for yourself and your children. This is a huge alarm moment meaning you need couples counseling or what I hate to consider but divorce because his cheating seems to make you rationalize cheating yourself. Don't let your toxic marriage poison the great mother you have been, currently are, and the kind of mother you are tomorrow. Please it's better to make an attempt to work on the marriage with counseling and then if that doesn't work you need to decide if it's time to separate because being the best mother and person is the most important thing you can do for your kids. The worst thing to let happen is for your kids to think its ok mom and dad to cheat which is very hard to hide from them. They may not realize it when they are young but one day they will be married or in a relationship and they will go through something similar, we pray they don't, and they will then think back on their parents marriage and what they saw and might have heard when we thought they didn't hear us. Then they could either think it's normal. Hopefully they don't go through the pain you've been through. Easier said then done. I'm in a similar situation where my husband has cheated even though he won't admit it.


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

HiddenInSight said:


> Hello again everyone. Once more, thank you ladies & gentlemen for the outpouring of support & advice. Since I created my original post I have done a lot of thinking, reading, & have begun researching my options. I want to be clear that I didn't go meet my coworker & have no intention to ever do so. That's honestly not who I am.
> 
> He called & inquiried of my whereabouts I told him that I realized meeting him outside of work was inappropriate to both our families. He was very understanding, yet insistent that he just wanted me to meet his massage therapist because I need some me time.
> 
> ...


Your husband actions are not your fault.... He will never change unless he makes that choice, you can not change who or what he is. Always be true to yourself and you are priceless no matter what the fool says. Stay strong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

HiddenInSight said:


> I'm not trying to defend him, I'm trying to be logical & fair. The last time, before I said what I said about going out for drinks, I think I subconsciously knew what his reaction would be. Unfortunately, I still let my mouth run away from me.


Your WH has no respect for your or the marriage,
He has been physically, emotionally and mentally abusive. Not only that he is a serial cheater who feels entitled.
YOu have to start looking out for yourself and your kids.
Keep working and save as much money as you can. Go to a counsellor to help you deal with the issues of resentment not for him but for yourself. Develop your skills, take up all training opportunities at your job. Start to emotionally detach from your WH. His actions will destroy you and your self esteem. It is also not good for your children to have him as a role model, they will have no respect for themselves if girls or respect females if they are boys.
Go and consult a lawyer in the net town for to see your options and financial outcomes if you divorce.Do not make excuses for his behaviour, we all have choices and will weigh the benefits and the costs of each. You have to do this carefully.


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I'm glad to hear you didn't go through with it and have decided not to. Stick to that. If you're tempted, think about the person you want to be if/when you do divorce and are back in the dating pool. Don't you want to be someone who can say to a future potential partner, "Even when things got tough, and I got tempted, I never cheated on my spouse?" Yes, you want to be that person . 

I hope you find a good counselor that helps you sort through your many emotions you're feeling from your abusive spouse.


----------



## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

Don't take this the wrong way but your marriage to me does not sound like it was ever based on love but love of sex. There is a difference and sounds like neither of your were ready and still are not. You have children. It's time to put their interests first if you cannot make decisions that are best for yourself.


----------



## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

Just a quick note...I'm an RN in a state in the Deep South (for 25 years), and I make good money. If your husband is employed, your children are entitled to a percentage of his income in child support. You have been married for quite some time. He is a government official? Then he probably has a retirement plan, of which, upon your divorce, YOU are entitled to a percentage (just so you know, I was once married for only two years to a POS who refused to work or get up off his a** and when I kicked him out, I had to give him $8,000 of my retirement savings, this was about 15 years ago, which was peanuts compared to what he was costing me). If he's been working for the government for any amount of time, even if he doesn't pay into a retirement plan through his government agency, there is an AUTOMATIC government retirement contribution (small, like maybe 1%, but it's there), not to mention any IRAs he might have. GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT!!! He is not a good father. Good fathers don't wh0re around and leave their invalid mothers with their wives to care for. What WON'T look good on his political profile? Being accused of being an abuser. Let that sink in. Being divorced for "irreconcilable differences" looks way better than "spousal abuse" any day of the week. Let your attorney tell him that. 

Leaving an abuser is hard. And scary. But your children are destined to follow in your footsteps as far as what they will put up with in a relationship. Your relationship will be their relationships magnified. 

The guy you didn't go meet...he's not a nice guy either. He's a married scumbag out for a side piece no matter what he tells you. What married man who is a good man meets another woman for any purpose at all without his wife? He is not your friend.


----------



## MovingFrwrd (Dec 22, 2015)

HiddenInSight said:


> Hello again everyone. Once more, thank you ladies & gentlemen for the outpouring of support & advice. Since I created my original post I have done a lot of thinking, reading, & have begun researching my options. I want to be clear that I didn't go meet my coworker & have no intention to ever do so. That's honestly not who I am.
> 
> He called & inquiried of my whereabouts I told him that I realized meeting him outside of work was inappropriate to both our families. He was very understanding, yet insistent that he just wanted me to meet his massage therapist because I need some me time.
> 
> ...


Best of luck on the journey - I hope you don't go it alone. If your husband is not an active part of this, I don't see much change in the situation unless you have the strength to part ways.

It's a tough thing to consider (divorce), and it appears at least the thought is in your head to mull around so let's consider that progress. You'll have a reaction to that thought and investigate how you're responding to that reaction. It's good to know why you are thinking what you are thinking and doing what your doing. It sounds like common sense - but it's far harder than most think.

I totally understand the need to try to protect where you are - marriage, kids and all the entrapments that come with your current life. In one way, if you convince yourself to stay, it validates your past decisions and makes you think you did all the right things. There's nothing wrong with coming to that conclusion, but part of reaching that conclusion will be having a partner who is as actively working with you to reach your joint goals - and I hope the goal is a committed, great marriage.

Keep strong, keep working, and gently try to turn the husbands head to come to counseling with you. It seems like the desire is strong to keep the marriage, and him joining you in counseling is a key component. You are working on yourself, he needs to work on him, and you both have to work on your marriage.

If he refuses, along with the past history of what he has done to you, I think that's all the real information you need to make a decision. Sometimes convincing yourself of where you are and what you need to do is the hardest thing. I'm rooting for the best outcome for you.


----------

