# Dreading Christmas Day



## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I've had a mental relapse lately and it's really got me feeling like crap. I'm dreading my emotions when I receive a gift from my wife on Christmas Day. The person I greatly disappointed, hurt, and destroyed trust will be giving me a gift that I feel I don't deserve. 

I know all too well that I should feel extremely lucky and grateful for her being such a loving and forgiving wife who still cares enough to get me a gift after what I did.

Yet, I fear that I may start to cry and have to leave the room while my mother in-law and adult daughters wonder what's going on since none of them know about the EA. 

I'd feel better if I had received nothing. At least that would feel justified. Getting a gift just doesn't even sound right to me. 

I know. Suck it up, put on a good show, and appreciate what a wonderful wife I have.

Just needed to spew this mindless crap.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The idea I think is that you want to give back to her. Accepting her gift(s) to your graciously and with love would be a huge gift TO HER. In front of your extended family just make a comment on how lucky you are to have such a wonderful wife.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

Maybe if you will talk to your wife beforehand and tell her what you just wrote, it will take the edge of the actual gift giving and you don't have to leave the room crying while everyone wonders what's going on. 
I'll tell my husband that he is the actual gift, not just on Christmas but every day, and I'll do it before we head out in the living room. I haven't told him that before and I'm scared of it but I'll do it anyway.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

hertoo, its sounds like your wife has forgivin you? when are you going to forgive yourself? sharing these feelings with her would probably help you both....jmho


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I did share my feelings with her this morning. Pretty much word for word. She offered a few suggestions and said she would help me through it. It still scares the hell out of me.

I was slowly climbing the stairs of self forgiveness one step at a time and making progress. But slipped and fell back to the bottom yesterday. Re-played d-day all over again in my head, several times. So I'm looking at the stairs again, feeling like my feet have been nailed to the floor. I know it will ease up in time, and I can start climbing those stairs again. And I might fall again too. But I'll keep trying.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

HerToo said:


> I did share my feelings with her this morning. Pretty much word for word. She offered a few suggestions and said she would help me through it. It still scares the hell out of me.
> 
> I was slowly climbing the stairs of self forgiveness one step at a time and making progress. But slipped and fell back to the bottom yesterday. Re-played d-day all over again in my head, several times. So I'm looking at the stairs again, feeling like my feet have been nailed to the floor. I know it will ease up in time, and I can start climbing those stairs again. And I might fall again too. But I'll keep trying.


what ever you do, do not stop trying to get up those stairs, I hope you see that you have a wonderful wife, waiting at the top....

My god man....she loves you, she waiting,shes forgivin you..........


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I still need a smack up side the head quite often to see that. With my head in my rear, it's a tough shot!


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## OOE (Mar 17, 2011)

HerToo, have you ever read about grace? It's an undeserved gift.

You need to accept your wife's forgiveness -- and her Christmas gift -- in the same light.


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