# Love Vs Love Arranged marriage...is dis a successful marriage..readers please judge..



## anuabhiramchandra (May 30, 2014)

My name is Anu.I am a BTECH graduate...I fell in love with *<moderator edit: removing identifying information>*,an IT professional in an MNC.He lives in Hyderabad with his mom and dad and I stay near Rajamundry with my parents.More over he is my relative..my cousin..I was in love with him from my graduation 2nd year...but he has no feelings towards me...being relatives every one were in favour to our marriage our marriage proposal was made...i readily agreed for marriage but he didnt like me so he said no for marriage..every body convinced him and we both got married...i thought every thing will be fine after marriage..but my assumption was wrong...he left me in my maternal home on the 11th day of our marriage and went back to his home...he even was not interested to talk to me...and lead life together..he says he is uncomfortable with my presence...and had no feelings towards me even after marriage...i dedicated my life to him...i only need some love from him...but unfortunately i cant get dat love from him..atleast i am happy i married the person i liked...
its been 3 months we married and 2 months 19 days we were staying seperate..one day i asked him if he wil take me back to stay together but i was shocked with his answer he said dat he will.take.me back after 2 years...my life became miserable without him...all.the people around asks about my married life what i can say to them...my mom and dad were so upset with all dese...i was so moved with all dese happenings...i was moving on with a hope dat one day he will understand my feelings for him and get back our happy life...but d other way i was so weak mentally dat i was so depressed...being newly married i didnt expect much from him but only some love and care...i used to cal to him and text him daily...but some tyms i even wilnt get any response from..he is not happy with my company.i behave as per his like only..d only problem is he is not loving me..he has no positive opinion about marriage and wife and all..he only says marrige is a part of life but it is not full life...he says to me dont think more about me..do any job and lead dis 2 years happily...after 2 years i wil take you back to home he said...i was so sad to say dis was the result of my love...what to do...???Will there be any solution for dis??Is my marriage a success or not??


----------



## anuabhiramchandra (May 30, 2014)

readers and members over here please help me with your suggestions..


----------



## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

I am very sorry for the pain in your marriage. In the US we have a completely different culture than the one you have. There are no arranged marriages. As a Christian, I understand that marriage is first and foremost the idea of God. He gave it to us for the purpose of procreation, companionship (relationship), and to reflect His nature in our world. Marriage is an honorable and desirable state and it should be a source of joy in life.

With that being said, how do you feel about your marriage? Is this what you want to have as a relationship between you and your husband? As you have already discovered, when there are Red Flags (things that should warn you about the relationship) they need to be addressed. These things DO NOT get better after marriage. They usually get worse.

I cannot see into the future and cannot guess as to what will happen when the two years are over and your husband takes you into his house. I am not an expert on your culture and how things are done there. I do know that all of us have a limited number of days in this world and we all have purpose and meaning. When God is at the center of our lives, living a full life is possible. Blessings on you!


----------



## anuabhiramchandra (May 30, 2014)

Although I cant get any solution...thank you for suggestion....thanks walvin for reading my story and expressing your view...i can do one thing dat is accepting gods decision regarding my destiny...


----------



## anuabhiramchandra (May 30, 2014)

i only wanted to know whether i am on wrong side loving my husband deeply or he is on wrong side ignoring me and my feelings....


----------



## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

This seems like a mistake from the start. He never was all that interested in marrying you it seems based on what you wrote. He was honest from the beginning that he didn't want the marriage. It sounds like he was pressured into the marriage then regretted it after it happened. I feel sorry for both of you. 

It's not wrong to love him, but you seem to have more of a crush than love. Do you really know him? It sounds like you don't. You have a fantasy image of him in your head. He hasn't really let you know who he is as a person, his innermost thoughts, secrets, feelings, hopes, and so on. You can't make him love you. Just because you have strong feelings for him doesn't mean he has to reciprocate. 

Do you really want to remain married to a man who doesn't want to be married to you? 

I edited your post to remove his name. Please don't identify him by first and last name.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I am not Indian but I might as well be after 30+ years of having lots of Indian friends in the USA. You need to figure out WHY he is taking this position. I probably know well over 100 Indian couples and nothing like that has occurred that I know of. If you understand why he is taking this position you may be able to take some action...

1. He is doing this because he wants to go against his parents. If he was 'pushed' into marriage there's a good chance he may react in this way. 

2, Perceived social status difference between the two families, yours and his. 

3. He is not interested in marriage at this time. If he's in IT and working for an MNC, he may be looking for overseas assignments and who knows what else. 

I can think of a few more reasons but those 3 could be reasonably close. 

Now, keep in mind that you can't make someone to like you or love you. Would be nice... Not in your culture, not in any culture. So it may be better to look at your options that do not include him.

How's your family reacting in all this?


----------



## anuabhiramchandra (May 30, 2014)

both families my parents and his parents as well are sad about dis.they were trying to convince him regarding this...i knew him from my childhood...i knew his likes and dislikes...i behave as per dat only...according to indian tradition during marriage he wil make 5 promises
1.act as per dharma
2.will share my rest of life with wife
3.will make her happy
4.will be with her at all times and support her
5.will not leave her hand until death
if my husband really doesnt want me then he shouldnt marry even everybody forced him he can say no he can resist...he himself tied knot mangalsutra making all abovr 5 promises...


----------



## anuabhiramchandra (May 30, 2014)

he tied knot to me and made me his wife now its our responsibility to take care of our relation...if he doesnt get love on me..he might have resisted dis marriage very strongly...he can stop tied mangal sutra and all..but he didnt...now if he leave me like dis my future seems very uncertain...


----------



## anuabhiramchandra (May 30, 2014)

being hindhu indian woman i have to lead my rest of life with my husband only...and my love for him with a small hope will wait for his love and care till end of my life...becoz i loved him and married him with broken heart i will wait for his love...


----------



## anuabhiramchandra (May 30, 2014)

also i wanted to know whether i am thinking in the wrong way and expecting more from him...or being a husband he is ignoring his responsibility towards his wife???who are at the wrong side...????


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

No, he's not supposed to leave you after 11 days, and he's not supposed to be apart from you for two years for no reason. 

What is his reason for waiting for two years? That sounds very strange. What is his plan for these two years? Is he seeing someone another woman? Is he going somewhere? 

What does he expect will be different in two years that will make him want to be a married man then but not now?


----------



## anuabhiramchandra (May 30, 2014)

his age is 23 now and its been only one year he joined in the job...he says he need another 2 more years to get settled not financially but professionally becoz he was settled financially..dey were financially very strong.. and by that time he will turn 25 years old...his colleages were not married yet..so he says his ego is getting hurt getting married soon...i hope he is not liking any another woman.becoz.he said dat he is not in love with any other woman...


----------



## anuabhiramchandra (May 30, 2014)

at the time of marriage i asked him if he loves another girl and saying no to me...den he said no he is not loving another woman..we went to shopping one day dat day he was so insecure dat he married at early age and if any of his friends would see him at public places and tease him for getting married soon..during d whole day of shopping he walked distant to me and behaved as if anybody friends sees him and would make him feel down...


----------



## anuabhiramchandra (May 30, 2014)

norajane said:


> No, he's not supposed to leave you after 11 days, and he's not supposed to be apart from you for two years for no reason.
> 
> What is his reason for waiting for two years? That sounds very strange. What is his plan for these two years? Is he seeing someone another woman? Is he going somewhere?
> 
> What does he expect will be different in two years that will make him want to be a married man then but not now?


 his age is 23 now and its been only one year he joined in the job...he says he need another 2 more years to get settled not financially but professionally becoz he was settled financially..dey were financially very strong.. and by that time he will turn 25 years old...his colleages were not married yet..so he says his ego is getting hurt getting married soon...i hope he is not liking any another woman.becoz.he said dat he is not in love with any other woman...


----------



## anuabhiramchandra (May 30, 2014)

norajane said:


> No, he's not supposed to leave you after 11 days, and he's not supposed to be apart from you for two years for no reason.
> 
> What is his reason for waiting for two years? That sounds very strange. What is his plan for these two years? Is he seeing someone another woman? Is he going somewhere?
> 
> What does he expect will be different in two years that will make him want to be a married man then but not now?


 at the time of marriage i asked him if he loves another girl and saying no to me...den he said no he is not loving another woman..we went to shopping one day dat day he was so insecure dat he married at early age and if any of his friends would see him at public places and tease him for getting married soon..during d whole day of shopping he walked distant to me and behaved as if anybody friends sees him and would make him feel down...


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

So he wishes he were still single like all his friends his age, and he made a mistake in getting married so young. He's not ready for, and doesn't want, the responsibility of marriage yet. He'd rather play with his friends.

Is it too late to get out of this marriage?


----------



## anuabhiramchandra (May 30, 2014)

norajane said:


> So he wishes he were still single like all his friends his age, and he made a mistake in getting married so young. He's not ready for, and doesn't want, the responsibility of marriage yet. He'd rather play with his friends.
> 
> Is it too late to get out of this marriage?


as i said already i am a hindhu indian woman and made this marriage happen as per my love...i cant get out of dis...main reason for narrating my story is i was confused whether i was thinking wrong about him...or have to wait pateintly..so i need some suggestions from experienced married couples...need some mental support...


----------



## anuabhiramchandra (May 30, 2014)

WolverineFan said:


> I am very sorry for the pain in your marriage. In the US we have a completely different culture than the one you have. There are no arranged marriages. As a Christian, I understand that marriage is first and foremost the idea of God. He gave it to us for the purpose of procreation, companionship (relationship), and to reflect His nature in our world. Marriage is an honorable and desirable state and it should be a source of joy in life.
> 
> With that being said, how do you feel about your marriage? Is this what you want to have as a relationship between you and your husband? As you have already discovered, when there are Red Flags (things that should warn you about the relationship) they need to be addressed. These things DO NOT get better after marriage. They usually get worse.
> 
> I cannot see into the future and cannot guess as to what will happen when the two years are over and your husband takes you into his house. I am not an expert on your culture and how things are done there. I do know that all of us have a limited number of days in this world and we all have purpose and meaning. When God is at the center of our lives, living a full life is possible. Blessings on you!


 Although I cant get any solution...thank you for suggestion....thanks walvin for reading my story and expressing your view...i can do one thing dat is accepting gods decision regarding my destiny...
i only wanted to know whether i am on wrong side loving my husband deeply or he is on wrong side ignoring me and my feelings....


----------



## anuabhiramchandra (May 30, 2014)

Coffee Amore said:


> This seems like a mistake from the start. He never was all that interested in marrying you it seems based on what you wrote. He was honest from the beginning that he didn't want the marriage. It sounds like he was pressured into the marriage then regretted it after it happened. I feel sorry for both of you.
> 
> It's not wrong to love him, but you seem to have more of a crush than love. Do you really know him? It sounds like you don't. You have a fantasy image of him in your head. He hasn't really let you know who he is as a person, his innermost thoughts, secrets, feelings, hopes, and so on. You can't make him love you. Just because you have strong feelings for him doesn't mean he has to reciprocate.
> 
> ...


 both families my parents and his parents as well are sad about dis.they were trying to convince him regarding this...i knew him from my childhood...i knew his likes and dislikes...i behave as per dat only...according to indian tradition during marriage he wil make 5 promises
1.act as per dharma
2.will share my rest of life with wife
3.will make her happy
4.will be with her at all times and support her
5.will not leave her hand until death
if my husband really doesnt want me then he shouldnt marry even everybody forced him he can say no he can resist...he himself tied knot mangalsutra making all abovr 5 promises...
he tied knot to me and made me his wife now its our responsibility to take care of our relation...if he doesnt get love on me..he might have resisted dis marriage very strongly...he can stop tied mangal sutra and all..but he didnt...now if he leave me like dis my future seems very uncertain...
being hindhu indian woman i have to lead my rest of life with my husband only...and my love for him with a small hope will wait for his love and care till end of my life...becoz i loved him and married him with broken heart i will wait for his love...
also i wanted to know whether i am thinking in the wrong way and expecting more from him...or being a husband he is ignoring his responsibility towards his wife???who are at the wrong side...????


----------



## anuabhiramchandra (May 30, 2014)

john117 said:


> I am not Indian but I might as well be after 30+ years of having lots of Indian friends in the USA. You need to figure out WHY he is taking this position. I probably know well over 100 Indian couples and nothing like that has occurred that I know of. If you understand why he is taking this position you may be able to take some action...
> 
> 1. He is doing this because he wants to go against his parents. If he was 'pushed' into marriage there's a good chance he may react in this way.
> 
> ...


 both families my parents and his parents as well are sad about dis.they were trying to convince him regarding this...i knew him from my childhood...i knew his likes and dislikes...i behave as per dat only...according to indian tradition during marriage he wil make 5 promises
1.act as per dharma
2.will share my rest of life with wife
3.will make her happy
4.will be with her at all times and support her
5.will not leave her hand until death
if my husband really doesnt want me then he shouldnt marry even everybody forced him he can say no he can resist...he himself tied knot mangalsutra making all abovr 5 promises...
he tied knot to me and made me his wife now its our responsibility to take care of our relation...if he doesnt get love on me..he might have resisted dis marriage very strongly...he can stop tied mangal sutra and all..but he didnt...now if he leave me like dis my future seems very uncertain...
also i wanted to know whether i am thinking in the wrong way and expecting more from him...or being a husband he is ignoring his responsibility towards his wife???who are at the wrong side...????


----------



## anuabhiramchandra (May 30, 2014)

i used to call to him daily...takes care of him by asking about his food and all...he speaks very irritatingly and give reply in off mood..as wife i am ready to.fulfil.my duties in taking care of him his parents and cooking household work his every need..as hisband i asked his only duty in staying together and taking care of me dats all...
also i wanted to know whether i am thinking in the wrong way and expecting more from him...or being a husband he is ignoring his responsibility towards his wife???who are at the wrong side...????


----------



## anuabhiramchandra (May 30, 2014)

Coffee Amore said:


> This seems like a mistake from the start. He never was all that interested in marrying you it seems based on what you wrote. He was honest from the beginning that he didn't want the marriage. It sounds like he was pressured into the marriage then regretted it after it happened. I feel sorry for both of you.
> 
> It's not wrong to love him, but you seem to have more of a crush than love. Do you really know him? It sounds like you don't. You have a fantasy image of him in your head. He hasn't really let you know who he is as a person, his innermost thoughts, secrets, feelings, hopes, and so on. You can't make him love you. Just because you have strong feelings for him doesn't mean he has to reciprocate.
> 
> ...


 i used to call to him daily...takes care of him by asking about his food and all...he speaks very irritatingly and give reply in off mood..as wife i am ready to.fulfil.my duties in taking care of him his parents and cooking household work his every need..as hisband i asked his only duty in staying together and taking care of me dats all...
also i wanted to know whether i am thinking in the wrong way and expecting more from him...or being a husband he is ignoring his responsibility towards his wife???who are at the wrong side...????


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your husband was obviously not mature enough to get married. That is most likely why he let himself be pushed into something that he did not want.

No one knows if someday he will mature enough to be a real husband to you. His actions are not acceptable in your culture. But now he seems to be able to stand up to people and do what he wants.. abandon you and the marriage.

Did the two of you consummate your marriage? How was your sex life during the few days that he was with you? The answer to this could tell a lot.

Are you currently working a job? Does he contribute anything to your financial support?

Hindu's can get divorced in India. While you do not want a divorce at this time, I think it would be very wise of you to see an attorney (or solicitor) to find out what the laws are and what your rights would be.

In material I read online, not living together for a period of 2 years (or so the laws keeps changing) is grounds for divorce. That might explain why he has picked 2 years. He might not be telling you his plan. 

In the Hindu Marriage act of 2012, irreconcilable differences were added as a reason that Hindu people can get divorce. 

http://www.prsindia.org/uploads/media/Marriage Laws/Marriage Laws Bill 2010.pdf

Hindu Marriage Act - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


----------



## anuabhiramchandra (May 30, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Your husband was obviously not mature enough to get married. That is most likely why he let himself be pushed into something that he did not want.
> 
> No one knows if someday he will mature enough to be a real husband to you. His actions are not acceptable in your culture. But now he seems to be able to stand up to people and do what he wants.. abandon you and the marriage.
> 
> ...


no we didnt consummate our marriage...hr wish dat also after two years and we didnt consummate but we were very close to each other those few days..but didnt consummate...i was not ugly also to avoid me and also i am smart and fast enough to be his partner...


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

anuabhiramchandra said:


> no we didnt consummate our marriage...hr wish dat also after two years and we didnt consummate but we were very close to each other those few days..but didnt consummate...i was not ugly also to avoid me and also i am smart and fast enough to be his partner...


I think that you need to give up on him as a husband. 

He's not ready to be married. There might be a possibility that he is gay as well.

You can get a divorce. Have you talked to anyone about it? Surely you do not want to spend your life married to a man who does not want to be married to you and who ignores you?


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He was probably pressured by his family to marry you. There are a number of reasons he might not be interested in marriage with you. You can't make him love you although duty might keep him with you. Time will tell. If you aren't going to divorce him then you will apparently have to wait two years and see if he changes. Just don't expect that to be the case.


----------



## ShameLessLover (Nov 5, 2013)

Anu, Love should not be demanded. "I love you" should not actually mean "I want you to love me because I love you so much". It's an emotion, you cannot force someone to have this feeling for you just because you want it. You do not know how much pressure you (+ both families) are/have been putting on your husband from the beginning. 

I totally agree that your husband should never had said YES to this marriage. I bet he must be under tremendous pressure - but it's not an excuse. He should have quit right there.

For you - It's time to step back. You divorce him or not but it's time to FOUCS on yourself. Your happiness should not depend on others. A confident and happy person is way more attractive than i-love-you-you-love-me-not type. Who knows, once he sees you happy and non-demanding, he will come right after you. Good Luck.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

It is pretty hard to be a divorced woman in India. I knew two when we were living there. Both married men they later believed were gay. One remarried to a man who beat her. The other was considering remarriage to a man her minister found for her. He had found the first one, so I did not have much hope for the second. 

We left India before I could find out whether or not she had agreed to the marriage. So depressing.


----------



## anuabhiramchandra (May 30, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> I think that you need to give up on him as a husband.
> 
> He's not ready to be married. There might be a possibility that he is gay as well.
> 
> You can get a divorce. Have you talked to anyone about it? Surely you do not want to spend your life married to a man who does not want to be married to you and who ignores you?


ya i reaveled al d things to my parents...all were saying let us wait for some time and lets see wat happens...we have many relatives and all are assuring will solve dis problems soon..


----------



## anuabhiramchandra (May 30, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> I think that you need to give up on him as a husband.
> 
> He's not ready to be married. There might be a possibility that he is gay as well.
> 
> You can get a divorce. Have you talked to anyone about it? Surely you do not want to spend your life married to a man who does not want to be married to you and who ignores you?


thank you so much for your valuable suggestion...


----------



## anuabhiramchandra (May 30, 2014)

Openminded said:


> He was probably pressured by his family to marry you. There are a number of reasons he might not be interested in marriage with you. You can't make him love you although duty might keep him with you. Time will tell. If you aren't going to divorce him then you will apparently have to wait two years and see if he changes. Just don't expect that to be the case.


thank you for your valuable suggestion...will be waiting for his love and care..


----------



## anuabhiramchandra (May 30, 2014)

ShameLessLover said:


> Anu, Love should not be demanded. "I love you" should not actually mean "I want you to love me because I love you so much". It's an emotion, you cannot force someone to have this feeling for you just because you want it. You do not know how much pressure you (+ both families) are/have been putting on your husband from the beginning.
> 
> I totally agree that your husband should never had said YES to this marriage. I bet he must be under tremendous pressure - but it's not an excuse. He should have quit right there.
> 
> For you - It's time to step back. You divorce him or not but it's time to FOUCS on yourself. Your happiness should not depend on others. A confident and happy person is way more attractive than i-love-you-you-love-me-not type. Who knows, once he sees you happy and non-demanding, he will come right after you. Good Luck.


your words are quiet acceptable...i agree with your opinion completely..thank you for suggesting...even i was about to chose a way dat gives me happiness...its time for me to move on and have to look after my own happiness also..i wil lead a happy life independently..and hope one day he returns back for my love...thank u..


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

anuabhiramchandra said:


> your words are quiet acceptable...i agree with your opinion completely..thank you for suggesting...even i was about to chose a way dat gives me happiness...its time for me to move on and have to look after my own happiness also..i wil lead a happy life independently..and hope one day he returns back for my love...thank u..


At this point in time, since you are determined to try more, I agree that this is the way to go.

We are all responsible for our own happiness. Find yours.

What are the things that you like to do? What are things that you always wanted to do but have not yet?


----------



## anuabhiramchandra (May 30, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> At this point in time, since you are determined to try more, I agree that this is the way to go.
> 
> We are all responsible for our own happiness. Find yours.
> 
> What are the things that you like to do? What are things that you always wanted to do but have not yet?


being his life partner i am ready to fulfill all my responsibilities...i wil take good care of him and wil support him in al aspects...i mey not be at his home..but i hope lyf wilnt be very smooth for al so if at al he may need me for support i am ready to be his side..his parents were 60 years old..as daughter in law its my responsibility to look after dem...i wil take care of dem..my husband is not to talk to me daily but i can talk to his parents i wil cal to dem daily and ask about their health and all..becoz his parents wer so loving wit me..der wer supproting me al d tym..and wer trying to change his mind...


----------



## anuabhiramchandra (May 30, 2014)

i hope one fine day he wil confess his love for me..


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

While you wait to see what your husband will do, you need to be working on yourself, doing things that you enjoy.

How long are you willing to wait for him?


----------

