# Losing friends after divorce



## ku1980rose

Anyone else have troubles with losing friends after your divorce?

I can't say that my ex-h and I had A LOT of mutual friends because we were only married 2 1/2 years, but I find that I have lost some of my friends since the divorce. 

Because the house was part of his job, I moved away. Because I couldn't afford a place of my own and I thought this would be a good time to make some changes in my life, I quit my job and moved home with my parents for a few months.

Since then, I have found that I've lost some of my friends. One was easy to deal with because she was a mutual friend. After the divorce, she seemed to have a lot of sympathy for my ex and I even suspected she had feelings for him. I didn't share a lot of details of our marriage with her.

But, the one that bothers me is a former co-worker who was a really good friend. She knows my story. She knows about our non-existent sex life from him sleeping on the couch. She knows why I left and even supported me in the decision. Her and her husband were becoming mutual friends because our husbands did a few things together. But her and I were friends long before since we worked close together.

And now it seems that she is starting to take his side on things. Maybe because she lives in the same town and sees/hears things? Do you think that people sympathize with him because they see him all the time? And since I moved away it looks like I have just happily moved on with life while he is sad and hurting?

I guess it's not a big deal. Life will go on. But, it hurts when it seems I am losing one of my good friends. We don't even talk much about the divorce, but it comes up once in a while. 

Anyone else finding that their friends have chosen sides?


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## dream_weaver

Yes I too have 'lost' a few friends,only mutual ones as all my friends supported my decision to leave. The friends that I've lost haven't taken sides but have chosen to distance themsleves from both myself and the ex as they found it hard to divide loyalties not that it was asked of them but something they couldn't deal with. I understand 'his' friends will support him and take his side as my friends have with me,one mutual couple have taken mine as they have been disgusted with his behaviour since the separation and things he continually does that affects the children.

It's hard from friends' point of view to know where the loyalties are and I think they ultimately distance from you both or choose a side to be an ally with. One friend that did that I called her on it and said she could have spoken with me to say she was struggling with it but she didn't and did say she hoped she could get back to the friendship we had but needed 'time'....well I moved house and changed all my phone numbers etc so she has no way of contacting me and I really think our friendship has come to an end,we don't live in the same state so it's hard to maintain anyways.

I think I'd approach your friend and ask her what is going on for her in relation to you and the ex and see if that's the end of the relationship or not and move on.


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## ku1980rose

dream_weaver said:


> Yes I too have 'lost' a few friends,only mutual ones as all my friends supported my decision to leave. The friends that I've lost haven't taken sides but have chosen to distance themsleves from both myself and the ex as they found it hard to divide loyalties not that it was asked of them but something they couldn't deal with. I understand 'his' friends will support him and take his side as my friends have with me,one mutual couple have taken mine as they have been disgusted with his behaviour since the separation and things he continually does that affects the children.
> 
> It's hard from friends' point of view to know where the loyalties are and I think they ultimately distance from you both or choose a side to be an ally with. One friend that did that I called her on it and said she could have spoken with me to say she was struggling with it but she didn't and did say she hoped she could get back to the friendship we had but needed 'time'....well I moved house and changed all my phone numbers etc so she has no way of contacting me and I really think our friendship has come to an end,we don't live in the same state so it's hard to maintain anyways.
> 
> I think I'd approach your friend and ask her what is going on for her in relation to you and the ex and see if that's the end of the relationship or not and move on.


Yeah, I've considered that. And, I will talk to her if that's what it comes down too. It's just things she's said that seem like she is starting to go his way. She doesn't even really know him. She knows that the way he treated me and knows how our relationship ended. But, he is pretty good with the "pity poor me" attitude. It seems that a lot of people in our small town are taking him under their wings. Which I truly feel is good for him, but it bothers me about my friend.


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## Corpuswife

It's very common. My take on it is....they may take a side; they may not know how to be friends with the both of you; they may be nervous how to approach you as a single person. 

Either way, don't fret. If you have a true, connected friendship then it will be. If not, that's ok....you have bigger fish to fry!


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## BW1

Most of the friends we had were my ex''s, friends, and family. Even though I do miss some of them, some things are better left alone. They always take the side of family, and I can't stay in contact with them. Just to weird.


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## Stretch

I disengaged from many of our mutual friends for two reasons. I was more than a little upset that most of them did not come to my defense. Some flat out said nothing and their friendship is now tainted for me.

Secondly, once I got a girlfriend, I did not want my wife to get pissed off that I was happy and doing well and change her positions on the divorce arrangements before they were complete.


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