# How important is it for you to bring home a paycheck?



## Asherah (Mar 16, 2011)

Both my husband and I are on our second marriage. He is from another country and came here to live with me and my children. Because we were blending a family of four teenagers (2 of mine and 2 of his- he has full custody) and my preschooler at the time, we both agreed that an adult needed to be home. I am a registered nurse and have been at my job for a long time- my job is stable and I don't make bad money. It made more sense for me to keep my job and work and for my husband to stay home. The job market is awful and even if he could find something my pay and insurance is probably still going to be better and will probably be more stable. He is visiting his family for the summer currently... he had not been home in a couple of years and when he left we were also dealing with some issues that I think may actually stem from him not working outside of the home. I have tried to reassure him that the job he does here at home is invaluable.... but I really think he is having problems because he is not financially contributing. Being a woman, I guess I probably see it differently - but how important is it that you bring home a check ? Thanks in advance !


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I suppose my first reaction is to wonder why teenagers need a stay at home parent. Even if they did, you're an RN and presumably could work 2nd or 3d shift, freeing your husband up to get a job. It really doesn't matter how important outside employment is to anyone else. What matters is how important it is to the guy you married. I can't imagine not financially supporting my family (even if I didn't have to). I get edgy if I take two weeks off from work. My wife is a teacher but she works because it pleases her. I get a lot of personal pride in the knowledge that I can take care of my family's needs whether my wife works or not. It may be old fashioned, but it's the way I feel and it's what I expect from myself. It really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. I have expectations of myself and if I don't match them, I can't feel entirely good about myself. If it's not feasible for him to actually get outside employment, maybe he can work from home, maybe get a part time job or take online college courses. He might need something to achieve in order to make himself feel that he is doing something tangible for his family's security. When he gets around other males in his family, I doubt he wants to brag about his great muffin recipe.


----------



## Asherah (Mar 16, 2011)

Thank you for the reply... I can appreciate what you are saying. We thought having an adult in the house would be best... four teenagers left alone under our circumstances could have been utter chaos. Because we had a long distance relationship and then coming together and trying to blend our families- along with an ex husband who does not step up to the plate - well, we thought having an adult at home might make the transition easier and would allow for someone to be on the homefront to provide guidance and be there for the kids. Your points are well taken unbelievable- I was just curious to know how other men felt... you are right about it being what is important to my husband.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Since you seem to be a down to earth thinking person, I would like to ask you the following question. What if something happened to you and you were no longer able to work?


----------



## Asherah (Mar 16, 2011)

That's definitely something to consider and another point well taken. I honestly have not given that a thought until now....


----------



## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

I know you make good money and your money is enough to provide your family a comfortable life. 

But I think it is important for men to have self-confidence. Normal men need to feel that they are able to protect their families, they are the providers. It is the key for them to be happy. When they are happy, then they have the energy to make the whole family happy. 

I can sense that from my husband. 

Last week he came home very disturbed, his hours were cut. I make good money, my salary is enough to cover our living, he still has hours, and the hours can bring home some income. But I could sense he was very disturbed, he was not normal. He was in no mood to joke with me and make me laugh. 

He went to look for jobs right away, and he landed a new job the next day. Now he is all cheerful and in joke mood again. 

I think it is important for men to have jobs, it is important for us to be understanding and supportive when they don't have jobs, but we have to understand the importance of them feeling confident about themselves. 

The teenagers have to learn to be responsible themselves. They don't need a baby sitter anymore. You give them opportunities to grow up and be responsible, then they will learn.


----------



## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

I think most people have the idea that a 'real man' goes out and works and brings home the cash. Clearly over time this idea has come to be seen as rather old fashioned but I think that when it comes down to it, most people feel this way even if they don't want to look like dinosaurs by talking about it in these terms.

Friends, neighbors and family will start to look at a man who 'doesn't work enough' as a loser, lazy, etc so there are society influences on women with regards to their man's job.

This puts a lot of pressure on men. The job is a big part of his identity.


----------



## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

both my wife and I have full time jobs and leave our teen daughter in charge of the boys.

as for your original question, it wouldn't bother me not to earn a paycheck, but I would get bored really quickly, especially with teens.

I would have to work, but not because of the $$ issue, but to stop from going nuts not doing anything, but that is my nature, constantly busy.

What about him getting a over night job? he can work nights and you during the day and have someone home and he can keep busy and productive.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

In a general way, men view their employment and success there the same way a woman views her family and success there.

It's almost a part of our DNA.

I had a brother-in-law who successfully "Mr. Mom'd" My sister is truly the alpha in that relationship.

It worked for them.

I think they are unusual.

And, your husband being from a foreign land makes your chances of success with that arrangement even less.


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

My wife has preached the gospel of mommy has to be home to mother the little darlings forever. My youngest is 20 and doesn't live at home. My 23 year old recent college grad does live at home, is looking for a job until hopefully before I drop in the bridle he'll move out. The 26 is more or less on his own but I pay most of his bills and own his home. Until he gets a regular gig which he just wrapped up his masters degree for. And yet mommy still needs to mother the little scamps. 

There will always be a reason to 'stay at home' for people who want to stay at home. Just wait; as soon as your kids grow up and marry, the next reason will be to take care of an aging parent or sibling. Or the job market sucks or they want to move or whatever. Or he or she wants to be a full time grandma or grandpa and the garbage starts all over again. I really wish people were just more honest with one another. If my wife had told me early on that she was never ever ever ever ever going to be employed no matter what, I could have planned around that instead of an endless list of bull**** excuses.


----------



## triton1984 (Nov 20, 2009)

One of the first thing men do when talking to another man they either don't know or haven't seen in awhile is to ask what the other guy does. Sometimes you can tell by the vague answer that the guy isn't proud of what they do. So yes I think it is very important for many if not most men.


----------



## Asherah (Mar 16, 2011)

Thank you for the thoughts and great insight. He's Canadian so our cultures aren't too different. You've all pointed out some really good things that I really should have thought about. I think we both got so focused on just bringing our family together and making it work that we didn't - or at least I didn't consider long term ramifications from him being at home. Thanks again...


----------

