# ok men, some help please???



## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

if going through a trial separation, what are some signs for a woman to look for that there IS a way to save the marriage? Just simple everyday things...:scratchhead:


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## EVknoble (Sep 10, 2009)

Making an effort to fix it even if he may not get it working again.

If you guys split cause he was a pig and he has now cleaned the house and is making a point of showing you.. he is trying. 

Why your not living together and who took the step in leaving may help get an answer.


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## EVknoble (Sep 10, 2009)

One other thing is what are you doing to show there is a chance?


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

a short version of the story would be that after i had our children i expected him to do only for and with family...WOW what a mistake! after counceling i finally realized this! he left, saying that he needs to clear his head, which after this building on him for 10 years i can and do understand! i am uncertain of if he will actually see the changes in me, or if he wants to...i believe in my heart that this is not what he wants to be going on either, i think he needed to do something drastic to open my eyes! well i see now...he has mentioned divorce at times but he has also said that he loves bein married and wishes he was no where but in his own bed at night and with his family! i am not taking all of the blame for our problems...this is his major issue though and the one that he just couldnt deal with anymore. i am respecting his wish and giving him some space. he is here everyday with our kids and i take it as comes, just enjoying that he IS here, no talking about things as i can sense he is not ready just yet...it has been 1 month and i am keeping my head high!


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

After reviewing your threads, he sleeps somewhere else, but comes back to the family house in the evening? hhmmm... how is this being separated? do you guys have any boundaries set for your separation? Do you have any timelines set for him to come back and talk about what his intentions are? do you know what he is doing to get through his issues - books, dvd-s, audio programs, counseling of some type? If all he is doing is tossing things around in his head, he can do that at home and will probably make no changes either. 

Somehow, you guys need to get together and set some expecatations on the split, so that it has boundaries on when it will move forward, one way or the other.


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

I have been counceling for myself, and focusing on me and our children.I have let him know...that I love both him and our family and would like him to come home.
He has started taking meds for depression and as I said is here everyday and is taking care of his responsibilities. he does not go all out for me as of yet, only the children which i am glad he is doing...they are young. he does do little things for me, and I always make a point of thanking him.
I am afraid to approach any of the relationship stuff because i can sense he is not ready. He calls me MUCH more throughout the day than probably the past year and i am cautiously taking it slow. I want to be here for him in his time of need (the depression). I do not want to push him away. I figured gaining the friendship back first is a step in the right direction and this also allows me more time to work on myself!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I agree with no1...you don't have any boundaries. He wants to separate but really isn't. He may be emotionally disconnected from you but not really THAT separated. 

You want signs...they will be clear. You won't have to ask us. You may see wishy washy signs along the way. A look or something he said or how he responded to a comment. Then the next day...he's cold or angry or a jerk. This is all completely normal.

You will only be able to truly win him back, when he is ready. This will take patient and time and space (true space). One month is probably too soon.

It's good that you are attending counseling. Get an activity or exercise or go out. Something...take focus off him. Let him know that you are a fun gal.


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

I would think positive encouragement for the phone calls, the care for the kids and the efforts that he does do would be great at this point. If he is not ready to open up, these may help push him in that way. Along those lines, gentle, but firm reminders of the marriage and the things you need would be positive. This gives him some clues on where your needs are, and what he has to do to answer those needs. It may help spur some discussion on his part too.


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