# Ultimate betrayal?



## needopinion (Sep 10, 2010)

I will try to keep this short. I lost my job. I got a new job in another city/state It was worth the move because Im the breadwinner. We have one child. I asked my husband to continue working at his current job and I'd relocate and get our son in school until he could get a job out here OR until we leased/sold our house. I was scared we wouldn't be able to swing it with 2 house payments. He chose to quit and come with us with no job. 

I had friends who got him interviews asap. It took him forever to call and set up the contacts etc. He was slow. He LOVED the idea of us moving but didn't love the idea of finding work. So he finally did. Got offered part time with the promise of full time soon. He turned it down. Said it would be weekends and he doesn't like that. So, I was getting scared we were going to lose the house. I am a writer. I broke down and began writing trash romance novels in ebook form. I don't approve of it and I a, still worried I'll go to hell but that's beside the point. I told him that I wouldn't even tell my best friend I was so ashamed. I have a very public job and this could ruin my reputation. 

Well, I'm not making about 1500 a month while my dh is just playing mr mom. No work. Doesn't seem to care. In fact, he went and bought a new couch and asked this morning if we could go buy a new bed because he found a coupon. I said when you get a job!


Well today I found out he old my old coworkers (where I got laid off) that I'm writing "smut trashy romance novels under a secret name and making big bucks!

I'm so ashamed. In so many ways. I want to kill him. Men are emailing me about it from my old job and teasing me. I want to divorce him. 

What would you do?????
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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

I can see why you'd feel pretty betrayed, as he clearly violated your trust in him.

I am curious if you can tell us more about things at the time of the move. I assume you guys were relatively happy then? He's got a stable job and suddenly he turns into an irresponsible person overnight? Weird. Was he happy when you found the new job?


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## needopinion (Sep 10, 2010)

We have had many troubles but we were relatively stable at the time of the move. He is acting this way because he has a ego issue. While he doesn't make a ton of money he was very good/respected in his position. He feels he is taking a step back by following me but I make double his income. It was the only way for us to survive. We could not live off of him and he was supportive of me taking the new job because he saw $$$$$. Now, he's being picky and unrealistic. He's always been irresponsible with money but I've covered it in the past. 

I don't know what to do. 




Acorn said:


> I can see why you'd feel pretty betrayed, as he clearly violated your trust in him.
> 
> I am curious if you can tell us more about things at the time of the move. I assume you guys were relatively happy then? He's got a stable job and suddenly he turns into an irresponsible person overnight? Weird. Was he happy when you found the new job?


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

needopinion said:


> We have had many troubles but we were relatively stable at the time of the move. He is acting this way because he has a ego issue. While he doesn't make a ton of money he was very good/respected in his position. He feels he is taking a step back by following me but I make double his income. It was the only way for us to survive. We could not live off of him and he was supportive of me taking the new job because he saw $$$$$. Now, he's being picky and unrealistic. He's always been irresponsible with money but I've covered it in the past.
> 
> I don't know what to do.
> 
> ...


Do you respect him? Did you before this? I don't know if you mean to, but your posts read a bit like you don't and did not respect him.


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## needopinion (Sep 10, 2010)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Do you respect him? Did you before this? I don't know if you mean to, but your posts read a bit like you don't and did not respect him.


Well right now I'm very hurt. Yes I respect him and his work. The entire reason I began writing that horrible garbage was to make ends meet so he didn't have to take a job he didn't like. But this really hurts now AND it's harder when he Is buying furniture!!!! We can't afford that!!!!

Do you see what I mean?

To give a little history. He is the same guy who told me that he would never see our son if/when we separated (last year almost) because he could not afford a 2 bedroom apt on 65k a year. 
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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

needopinion said:


> Well right now I'm very hurt. Yes I respect him and his work. The entire reason I began writing that horrible garbage was to make ends meet so he didn't have to take a job he didn't like. But this really hurts now AND it's harder when he Is buying furniture!!!! We can't afford that!!!!
> 
> Do you see what I mean?
> 
> ...


I understand that you are stressed and why. He does not seem to be behaving well, and it is something that needs to be dealt with. Since he is not here, I can only give advice to you, so here goes:

1) Sit down with him and have a talk about budget. When he buys something, or wants to buy something, ask how you are going to pay for it. Don't attack, but get him inovled in the process. You are not his mother, your his wife, so work to treat each other like partners. What are you as a family going with out so that you can afford a particular item. 

2) I assume that you told him you did not want others to know about the job you took. Why did he tell them anyway? What reasoning did he give? Is he apologetic?

3) Revisit your respect for him. You say you respect him and his work, yet your initial post undercuts that. You note yourself as the breadwinner and you imply that he only supported your new job to get more money. There is an undercurrent of disrespect, like he is a leech and not doing what he should be to support your family. You may not intend it, but it still seems like it was there. If it is there, he probably can sense it.


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## needopinion (Sep 10, 2010)

Thanks for your advice. I do believe I have an issue with him not trying hard enough to provide for our family. All the pressure is on me and I'm cracking. I had to take a pay cut at this new job and I've been taking writing jobs just to cover my loss in pay AND try to support his absent salary. It appears it doesn't bother him. He just keeps telling me my books are going to make us millionaires. He's not realistic. 

As for his reasons for blabbing about my secret side job. He said he told one friend (who I instructed him not to tell or ANYONE). Because he wanted him to create a website for it. He got mad and said that he would no longer communicate with this friend. But it turns out he was not being truthful. He actually texted it out to several other guys at my former company who he knew quite well. It's just very embarrassing to me. I am a catholic woman and a mother. I don't even read that trash and certainly didn't like the fact that I was being forced to do something like that just so my husband didn't have to work on weekends. He has apologized. He has no explanation other than he was proud of me. 

And he now appears to be ignoring me as if I did something wrong. 

understand that you are stressed and why. He does not seem to be behaving well, and it is something that needs to be dealt with. Since he is not here give advice to you, so here goes:

1) Sit down with him and have a talk about budget. When he buys something, or wants to buy something, ask how you are going to pay for it. Don't attack, but get him inovled in the process. You are not his mother, your his wife, so work to treat each other like partners. What are you as a family going with out so that you can afford a particular item. 

2) I assume that you told him you did not want others to know about the job you took. Why did he tell them anyway? What reasoning did he give? Is he apologetic?

3) Revisit your respect for him. You say you respect him and his work, yet your initial post undercuts that. You note yourself as the breadwinner and you imply that he only supported your new job to get more money. There is an undercurrent of disrespect, like he is a leech and not doing what he should be to support your family. You may not intend it, but it still seems like it was there. If it is there, he probably can sense it.[/QUOTE]
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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Hi Opinion

First off, don't ever be ashamed of writing 'trashy' romance novels. Nothing at all wrong with that. If your selling, women are buying, and they are enjoying your work and creativity. Plus, if it brings in income than that's better than a lot of artists can say for their work. Keep at it, I say! Embrace the fact that you have the skills to create such works. 
a lot of successful authors write under pen names. Particularly if they venture outside their main genre of work. You'd be surprised at some of the pen name works out there from artists you would never guess. 

As for your husband. Well. He needs to grow up a bit. Everyone needs to give their share in making the household run, so it seems he's just being lazy and comfortable and needs a good kick in the nuts to get his head out of his azz.
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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

In fact, I don't find them 'trashy' at all. I do a LOT of reading, and one of my exes used to read those books a lot. I asked her why she reads that garbage, and she put it back in my face.... Asking me to read one before I commented on them. So I did. And I found them just like any other novel...they tell a story. Some of them even the it well. I've read so called 'recommended' books from drama to science fiction and there are plenty of examples in those categories that I can consider 'trash'. I have lengthy examples of these so called 'greats' that I couldn't even get past chapter four because they were written so terribly aweful. Lol

So....if you can do it then all the power to you.
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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

I tend to agree with alphaomega. Your dh needs to grow up and realize that in order to make ends meet in this poor economy, he needs to find work even if it means working nights and weekends.

I can't blame you for being upset with him since him not being willing to find whatever work he can right now, that meant YOU had to take on an additional job doing something you're not very proud of doing. He needs to realize that you did this ONLY because SOMEONE has to provide for the family.

He had no business sharing with ANYONE what you are doing to make extra cash on the side since he not only should have realized that this was between the two of you..but it was totally disrespectful to you!!

In addition, while you're busting your rear trying to make a living for your family..he has no right to think that in the meantime he can go out and buy expensive furniture, irregardless how much you're bringing in.

A third point I'd like to make is that he doesn't want to work weekends, but what does he think YOU'RE doing while working two jobs?? Does he not realize that this takes quality time away from you spending time with him and your child?

I think he's being very selfish and the two of you need to sit down and talk about it. You need to set some boundaries.


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## needopinion (Sep 10, 2010)

That's the thing. I am ALWAYS under pressure. I am either working my day job or waking up early/staying up late to write these books. I am grateful that I can make this income, but I just want a "normal" marriage. I didn't marry my husband for money. He on the other hand called me (jokingly) his cash cow. But that's what it's become. I love working. I really do. But I wish the financial pressure wasn't always on me. It's just destroying our marriage. 

I have spoken to him about this. But he just responds sarcastically by saying "I'm sorry I'm not a millionaire". I don't want a millionionare. I just want someone as hungry to support their family as I am! 

I don't know what to do. 

tend to agree with alphaomega. Your dh needs to grow up and realize that in order to make ends meet in this poor economy, he needs to find work even if it means working nights and weekends.

I can't blame you for being upset with him since him not being willing to find whatever work he can right now, that meant YOU had to take on an additional job doing something you're not very proud of doing. He needs to realize that you did this ONLY because SOMEONE has to provide for the family.

He had no business sharing with ANYONE what you are doing to make extra cash on the side since he not only should have realized that this was between the two of you..but it was totally disrespectful to you!!

In addition, while you're busting your rear trying to make a living for your family..he has no right to think that in the meantime he can go out and buy expensive furniture, irregardless how much you're bringing in.

A third point I'd like to make is that he doesn't want to work weekends, but what does he think YOU'RE doing while working two jobs?? Does he not realize that this takes quality time away from you spending time with him and your child?

I think he's being very selfish and the two of you need to sit down and talk about it. You need to set some boundaries.[/QUOTE]
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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Well I can tell you from a man's point of view it's a big ego hit to have your wife working while you don't have a job.

Not saying he's being mature about it, but you looking down on him certainly isn't helping matters.

What would your husband say about how you act towards him? Would he say you nag him? B*tch at him? Disrespect him? It's possible he told your coworkers out of anger or spite because of the way you've been treating him. Respect and admiration is an emotional NEED for most men.

If you decide you don't want to respect him, then let him know that you want to end the marriage. If you want it to work, then you'll have to start respecting him and encourage him instead of looking down. You can do that with boundaries and guidelines, but it shouldn't be with an insulting or degrading attitude.


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## needopinion (Sep 10, 2010)

I can honestly say I never b&tch at him or nag at him. I'm a very kind, loving wife. It's not in my DNA. The other day I snapped because he wouldmt even let me do the laundry with the setting I like to use. He likes everything to be HIS way. He set up the closet, the house the bedroom HIS way. He even had to instruct me as to where I cam find my own underwear because HE organized it. I never said a word but it bred resentment. I finally snapped and said "can I please just do a load od laundry on my own". So in a nutshell I am not the monster you are predicting. 

The reason he told my coworkers is not out of anger. It's out of stupidity. It least that's what he said when I asked why he betrayed me. 






COguy said:


> Well I can tell you from a man's point of view it's a big ego hit to have your wife working while you don't have a job.
> 
> Not saying he's being mature about it, but you looking down on him certainly isn't helping matters.
> 
> ...


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## needopinion (Sep 10, 2010)

I can honestly say I never b&tch at him or nag at him. I'm a very kind, loving wife. It's not in my DNA. The other day I snapped because he wouldmt even let me do the laundry with the setting I like to use. He likes everything to be HIS way. He set up the closet, the house the bedroom HIS way. He even had to instruct me as to where I cam find my own underwear because HE organized it. I never said a word but it bred resentment. I finally snapped and said "can I please just do a load od laundry on my own". So in a nutshell I am not the monster you are predicting. 

The reason he told my coworkers is not out of anger. It's out of stupidity. It least that's what he said when I asked why he betrayed me. 






COguy said:


> Well I can tell you from a man's point of view it's a big ego hit to have your wife working while you don't have a job.
> 
> Not saying he's being mature about it, but you looking down on him certainly isn't helping matters.
> 
> ...


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

COguy said:


> Well I can tell you from a man's point of view it's a big ego hit to have your wife working while you don't have a job.
> 
> Not saying he's being mature about it, but you looking down on him certainly isn't helping matters.
> 
> ...


So far it hasn't been shown there is anything to respect, he needs to grow a pair.


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