# hardest thing to cope



## denise1218 (Dec 24, 2010)

My husband and I are a complete mess. For weeks now we have each cried on a daily basis. The sadness I feel is undescribable. He says that he could never trust me again. I have done the same thing over and over and that I will never change. I am going to a therapist and he is going to be going to a therapist as well. He is all about getting a divorce and moving on. I still have a shred of hope. I asked him if maybe we could just separate for a given amount of time and reevaluate the situation in like 2 months. He loves me and I love him. We just both lost trust in each other for various reason. We are going to tell the kids tomorrow about this decision. I am heartbroken. Is it possible that we would be able to work thru this?


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## sad_dad (Dec 20, 2010)

What was it that you did?

Therapy can certainly help if you are committed and get a good therapist. There are usually underlying reasons for why we do things. If you can dig those out, and come to terms for why you are doing what you are doing, it may be possible to fix yourself.

That will help YOU.

Your husband has to believe that it is worth his time to risk himself longer in your relationship since you say he has not trust.

If he gives you a chance, you have to be very sincere about improving yourself.


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## denise1218 (Dec 24, 2010)

What I did was really wrong. We have been married for 17 years. Thru out those years I have been in charge of the bills and finances...unfortunately the bills were more than the finances. I neglected to tell him.
The last straw came when I had to confess that I hadn't made the mortgage payment in 10 months. Mind you...I am not trying to make an excuse but it just snowballed so fast...In my mind I was trying to protect him from the stress and worry. I thought it would work itself out. Now the bank wants to foreclose. I admit I am in the wrong and he has every right to want to divorce me. I know without trust and respect you cannot have a marriage. I have never been to a counselor before and I am hoping I can find the reason why I have this kind of secretive and lying behavior. My intentions were never to hurt him....I just wanted to protect him. I am heartbroken because I have hurt him so much. I just want the chance to prove to him I can and will change. He is already talking about how he knows that we will each find someone again....I dont want anyone else....I want him. But he says with 100% being that he will never be able to trust me again. I have tried to say that we have to not think about yesterday, not worry about tomorrow, we just have to be in the moment right now. How can I fix this?


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## sad_dad (Dec 20, 2010)

So it looks like there is a trust issue, and the two of you are in severe financial stress.

He did give you the responsibility, so he should have some understanding.

You guys are in a pickle. Paying for a divorce and then two households will further deteriorate your financial position. 

You need to try to convince him to do three things:

1) You will start therapy to work on yourself.

2) The two of you will start marriage counseling to work on trust and see if there are other issues in the marriage.

3) You will visit a financial planner and look at various paths for recovering, as well as the financial implications of divorce.


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## denise1218 (Dec 24, 2010)

he doesnt want to.
We went to the marriage counselor together and over the next few sessions we will each go separetly. He doesnt think that a marriage counselor can make him forget. He said he will always wonder if I am lying. I don't want to give up and I realize that I was the one that got us into the situation and I know that it is not up to me...the ball is in his court. But he says he doesn't want to go thru this anymore. But I dont want him to quit on us. Give us time with therapy to figure ourselves out....i am desparate.


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## sad_dad (Dec 20, 2010)

Don't panic.

Trust takes time to rebuild.

And a traumatic situation takes a long time to resolve itself.

Depending on the other parts of your marriage, you have a very good chance of getting through this.

Be as sincere and as you can be. Make your apologies, and then stand aside and let him work through things in his head....a divorce will put you in a much worse financial position and he may come to that conclusion.

You may want to look at different financial scenario's on your own.

I am in a similar situation (broke the trust due to my drinking) and trying to work my way back. 

It can take a very long time to resolve.....I am six months in to this. I am now divorced (she wanted a quick divorce before she would work on things). 

She recently started counseling with me.

We will see what happens.


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## denise1218 (Dec 24, 2010)

I wish you luck. I guess it is true...you never really know what you have until its gone. I just have a sinking feeling that if he got a place of his own that he wont' come back. I know I shouldn't be begging and pleading....but i am just so overcome with sadness and despair...it stinks because I think what I am going thru right now is hard...i know it is going to be nothing after we tell our boys. I am just so afraid that if I give him time and space apart it will be final. How long do i hold out for hope that this will work out for us eventually.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Why didn't you pay the mortgage? 



sad_dad said:


> Don't panic.
> 
> Trust takes time to rebuild.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## denise1218 (Dec 24, 2010)

my husband gets paid every 2 weeks. I would tend to pay the bills after he got both paychecks so that I knew we would have money for food and gas. We both have to commute to work and between the both of us we spent around 450-500 month in gas alone. We bought our house at the housing boom and our mortgage was 1125.00 per month. The first month there was enough to pay the bills. Mortgage company wouldn't take partial pymts...so I thought I would double up the next month...but it was the same cycle...and it just snowballed and I felt trapped scared and alone.


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## Gilgamesh (Dec 15, 2010)

Your story, like many others here, touches each and every one of us...it truly is a hard time in your life right now...
There is so much pain from whats going on, not only loosing the one you love, but the whole financial thing...
The therapy and counseling will help you become stronger, posting on here will help to, everyone on this site is here to help you, you are NOT alone....
The only way to show your husband you are changing is by believing in yourself. Change your actions, try not to break down (yea i know right the hardest thing ever). Give your husband some more control over the bills, if you havent already. There is no guidebook to life, you thought that you were trying to protect him, sometimes it just ends up going sour...
Right now your biggest ally is yourself and your actions, be confident, do not give up, and we will not give up in trying to help you either. Communication is the key to everything.
Im sorry you are going through this right now and im sorry i dont have all the answers to help you get through this, but we will all be here for you to help in whatever way we can.


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