# Is this okay??



## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

I just finished reading a post from Pit-in-my-stomach about the issue in recovery and how BS's dont ever listen to advice given. 

I understand this completely and im just realizing what i need to do if i want my marriage to survive at all. 

My questions is about my guilt. I feel guilty moving on. I feel like im showing him that i dont ove him by moving on. 

He still refuses to show me the statements, the phone, the phone bills.. etc.... and continues to blame me for all of our issues. 

He also tells me he will let me see these things when i show him i am calm and in control of myself. He is right in the sense that i have a easyblow-up button but at the same time 6 years of the same bs about money and responsibilities will do that to anyone...

anyways, he left the house after our first MC appointment and since then has mentally tormented me. I get it. I let him do it to me. Weve had a terrible toxic relationship for over a year and a rocky one the five before that...

but he left

he is deceiving me

whether he is actually cheating or not i dont know. But i feel in my core he is and the red flags are there (read my other posts). 

he denies it, and i guess i feel guilty because i want to believe him. Im in pain for myself and for the life my children will have from this day forward. 

I love him even tought i know we are no good for each other. maybe im just used to him. but i know i wanted to make my family work and i feel he didnt. or he did but under his deceptive terms. 

Well my question come here. 

I went to legal aid and have an appointment with the attorney regarding the legal seperation/custody in dec. 

I applied for food stamps, and in order to qualify for them I have to put him on child supprt. So i agreed to file for child support with the state attorneys office. 

I feel I have to put this in for a fair argument.. I am a stay at home wife and he makes a decent wage (median income) but he is payign the household bills in the mean time... Im saying that because when he found out about the food stamps he flipped out and told me what a piece of crap i was for not trusting him as a man...whatever... im scared now about his reaction to the child support request...

My mother (thanks god for her) is buying a investment property and will let me live there rent free until im back on my feet and i have the stability my family and I need.

But throught all of this i feel immense guilt. My mother says i shouldnt because even though i was no angel ( i did fight with him alot) he chose this for us. But i still do. then she got upset and told me that she thinks i dont value myself. I think I do but i still feel so guilty. 

IS this normal? how many of you went through it and when the heck did it go away?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Yes, it's normal to feel guilt. There are a lot of feelings in reaction to this crap.

BTW, he is a manipulative head-tripper if he thinks it is ok to control the situation he has created. He's trying to get you to believe that your reaction to his cheating is WORSE than his cheating behavior so therefore you don't get to have the evidence you demanded. Sorry, that doesn't wash. I think you ought to bring it up in your MC session, the very next one.

BTW II, your guilty feelings will pass. His guilt will not. Think about that.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Google gas lighting. This is what he is doing to you. It is very normal and your feelings are very normal. It is for this very pourpose that people like him do it, to make you feel guilty and to shift the blame from him. Make no mistake about it. Don't give in to this. No matter how much he does this to you, realize that he is a peice of SH!T and is not worthy of your guilt. He will stomp on you until you are nothing. I understand that the small nagging doubt is still there, try not to listen to it. That doubt is that because he trys as hard as he can to put it there. YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING. For you and your children.


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

Feeling anxious and worrying about guilt and one's responsibility in the matter is normal.

Don't let him emotionally terrorize you. You need to take care of your family and that's all you are doing. Do not let him in to bully you or listen to it on the phone.

Best,

Lyn


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Good for you for taking care of your family.


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## FML2011 (Sep 21, 2011)

The feeling will go away. I asked to leave WH last week and the feeling just started going away in the last few days. He tried again today to make me feel bad and for the first time...it didn't work. I didn't get emotional, I didn't react and I felt good. You have to be strong for you and your children. I suggest asking him to not contact you for a few days. I did this on Sunday and didn't see or speak to WH til last night...and I felt SO much stronger!


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## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

for the first time in years i see hope in my future. i feel like i can do things that i have been stopped from doing. i feel like i can conquer the world. Alone with my kids but i feel strong and t hat i can do it. 

I have hope. I want to work, i want to go back to school. I want to be the best person god intended me to be. 

But he keeps on.. telling me that he doesnt understand how i could think he is cheating on me when he isnt. How i could thingk so poorly of him after all the abuse ive done to him. He claims i have physically and verbally abused him. 

Yes I yell ALOT. I yell because we are fighting and t hey are so incrdibly ridiculous that i cant believe i am even defending myself. He accusses me of everything and i have concrete proof that he is hiding something and doesnt have the balls to understand me


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

He doesn't have to understand why you could think he is cheating. That's his problem. How could you think so poorly of him? He can figure that out for himself. If you are as abusive as he claims you are, then he should be glad to be free.

You know what he is doing (trying to guilt you so he can manipulate you) and you are not going to play the game. End of conversation.

When I said this, the person went and locked themselves in another room.


Best,

Lyn


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

He is used to being able to manipulate you and control you....he does not understand this "new" you.

This is good....it means you are coming out from under his thumb.

He will however ramp up his efforts to control you..so be on your guard.

The guilt thing is something BS feel mostly because we by into the blame shifting thing...sometimes a little...other times we accept all the blame.

You will see yourself pulling out of this "guilt" the more you realize how little of a part you played in the betrayal....which was none.


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## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

Im so upset. He keeps on and on and on. Im moving one county over and still have not told him anything. I am starting to pack little by little this week and hoefully will be able to move out completely soon. I love him. I love him desperately and wish that we could work on it. but he refuses to believe anything other than it was all my fault and i refuse to believe he will ever change. Maybe it all happens for a reason.


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

mishu143 said:


> Im so upset. He keeps on and on and on. Im moving one county over and still have not told him anything. I am starting to pack little by little this week and hoefully will be able to move out completely soon. I love him. I love him desperately and wish that we could work on it. but he refuses to believe anything other than it was all my fault and i refuse to believe he will ever change. Maybe it all happens for a reason.



Protect your sanity!

L


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## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

I need words of encouragement. I need a sweift kick in the ass. i need it all. 

He calls me and we speak about the kids only to get back into the same topic. How horrible i am that i kicked him out. now hes staying at a clients house supposedly and he says he isnt doing anything and hasnt done anything wrong. 

ofcourse i dont believe him. I still feel guilty about my plans. I still want to try to fix it and im afraid if I leave he wont try to fix it anymore. Hell just take it as i dont love him. 

I know and I understand that if he wants to fix it he will regardless of where i move. But im so scared. He keeps blaming me and i keep picking up his calls. I really dont want to because they all lead to the same thing. fights!

I go into the *****es facebook page every single day atleast once every two to three hours and i hate her more and more every minute i see her pictures. I see how she is the girl I used to be and i imagine their relationship. 

He swears nothing ever happened and that they are just coworkers. But i dont believe that you worry about just your co-worker. I feel horrible. I want to cry all the time. But it wont come out until i fight with him. 

I am trying to do the 180 but with no money or resources to get things done i feel duped. Ontop of it i am constantly thingking about the situation im in. 

Ive been applying to jobs left and right and nothing has come up. Ive been looking for condos and noone will take my offer. Im desperately loney and feel so close to breaking down. 

I hate my life. I have good days and bad ones. and for the last week they have all been pretty bad. I feel weak. I feel torn. I feel like ****. 

what do i do? Is it normal? please help


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Look at your kids, and then you'll realize what you need to do and why you need to do it.

Do what you think is right for the kids and that in return will make things right for you. BTW, I would listen to your mom on this one.


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

Tell him that there is nothing to discuss until he can stop picking fights and is interested in proving he is trustworthy = honesty and transparency. I don't recall if you mentioned a marriage counselor...if not, get one. He has to attend and progress if he wants to be married to you.

Stay away from the Facebook page. You can't learn anything there, as my friends told me when I did this.

Just my op.

Best,

Lyn


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## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

Hi lyn, 

Yes we did seek MC and the appointment was so bad that she told us she wasnt going to see us anymore until i went to anger management. I really got a bad feel from her. My husband was screaming at me the entire time and she believes his bull**** and sends me to anger management. 

Im going just to finish it up and not have anyone tell me anything else. 

I really hate this


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## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

oh yea and it seems that she got fired!!! yey.!!!! he seemed a lil docile when he called me today but guess what im still so angry i lashed out


ooooo i still dont want him here. he lied like crazy. but is he feeling ****ty now that he cant see her anymore(atleast at work). i dunno


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

It's normal to feel a roller coaster of emotions. Since he's not owning up to what he's doing and trying, instead to manipulate how you see and handle the situation in a way that would allow him to keep both you and the affair going (this is called gas-lighting, I believe), you are going to feel more confused and conflicted. 

It might be easier to handle it if he would just confess to his misdeeds, because that's clear cut, but it doesn't look like he wants to do that.

Look up "affair fog", "gaslighting" and "blameshifting". 

And, you're not doing anything wrong. Hang in there. Be firm. Don't accept his bad behavior and his lies. Sure, you respect yourself. Now, make sure that he understands this. Even if you feel guilty, make him see that this is a result of HIS behavior (the cheating), even when you're inclined to feel like things are amiss because of his gaslighting.


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

So, go to anger management JUST FOR YOURSELF AND TO PROVE TO HIM YOU ARE WILLING TO DO THE WORK (even if not needed.) IS HE?

It's tough to calm down when someone is pushing you around, so I would try to find a good counselor for support while you deal with him.

Best,

Lyn


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## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

Hey all im going to the anger management but my marriage therapist is a f***ing bi***. shes so rude. atleast thats how i feel but se really is. OMG. my husband didnt show up today to see the kids claiming he has a virus so now i have a sick baby, amd a four year old who wants to trick or treat. 

About the sick baby. on friday we made plans for WH to comeover and see the kids. by 7pm he called claiming we should hold it off till sunday. I hung up on him and left it at that. then he called me back and told me he wanted to go to church and go to the pumpkin patch with the kids. I said fine. On saturday my daughter (who was already sick) had to go see the dr. from there we were sent to the er because she needed further testing and a spinal tap/ She is eight months old. I felt horrible and i couldnt take my son with me to the er. When i called hubby he basically told me to keep him posted. 

He been living on the beach which is about twenty min away from us. I would think he could show concern for his daughter needing such a serious procedure but he didnt. he said keep me posted. wtf?

I called my mom who drove a county over to pick up my son and take him home with her. 

While 4 hours into the Er visit I found out the reason he said keep me posted was becasue the bastatrd was in sannibel island on a "fishing trip" with a "client". I told him he was an ******* and didnt bother him anymore. after 7 hours in the er we were discharged and thankfully only a virus!! no spinal tap. Called him and he wouldnt pick up so i left a voice mial telling him that. 

HE NEVER CALLED...On suday at 5pm he finally remebered he had kids and texted me to follow up. told him i wasnt home and then he got mad asking me why i was in the streeet with bad weather and a sick baby. I didnt bother answering him because obviously i was driving over to the next county to pick up my son!!!

when i got home he texted me again saying i knew he was coming home at 5 from sannibel and that i am purposely keeping him from seeing his kids. 

I infored him the plan was church and patch, not awaiting a return from sannibel island. and to top it off he never told me when he was coming home so he needed to stop bu**sh**ting himself. then we played phone tag for a bit. 

he called me late into the night telling me he loved me but we couldnt keep on with this relationship and i had to change and blah blah blah. 

told him that was fine. i accepted my responsibility a looooong time agao and it was time for him to do his part. he got mad and hung up on me after screaming how horrible i was and accussing him falsely. 

I told him "then what is the problem with proving me wrong"....

he hung up on me. I called him like 50 times but he turned off his phone. whatever then he called me again and i didnt pick up anymore. 

Today he wouldnt pick up his phone at all. my son is going to go another day without seeing his dad. Im so sad but ohwelll such is life right. I hat ehim for what he is doing. all my suffering is now going away. I no longer want him back. i no longer feel anything for him. Im numbing myself on purpose to not let him get to me. 

I havent done a good job at all at the 180. I need to do better this week. 

just needed to vent. any comments? hes obviously up to no good right? i still dont know he is cheating but shooot he sure is acting like it.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Looks like he's gonna make it easy for you to win 100% custody of both your kids.


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## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

should i bee journalling all this stuff happening. because his recollectiong differs greatly with mine and im afraid he convinces the judge or lawyer diff. 

Im paranoid because healways gets his way. i even recorded him and the way he is and he still blames me and he broke my recorder.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

I agree create a journal
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

I can't say for sure if he is up to no good, but one thing I do know and that is, although I would be furious about his odd behavior, you aren't going to get anywhere with all of this fighting. If you want to get to the bottom of it and move in a positive direction, I think it's critical to get off of the blame train.

Yes, there is a lot to be accounted for, and although the counselor is a *****, she can also be very helpful because of the fact she is not compliant or easily swayed to take sides.

If your behavior is above reproach, it gives you the upper hand. The more control you display, the more you have.

Best,

Lyn


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

mishu143 said:


> should i bee journalling all this stuff happening. because his recollectiong differs greatly with mine and im afraid he convinces the judge or lawyer diff.
> 
> Im paranoid because healways gets his way. i even recorded him and the way he is and he still blames me and he broke my recorder.




Absolutely!

L


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## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

Lyn and all others, 

I want to thank all of you for your help in getting thru this all. I take your advice to heart and although it is difficult to display control i am trying my hardest. 

As i type this. I found out about three hours ago that my husbnad was in the hospital. He did not call me or tell me anything. He'd been there since early in the morning. I only found out because of his godmother. 

I dont know what is happeneing I know he left the hospital but the hospital would not talk to me over the phone and he was on morphine sos he was out and couldnt pick up. My mother in law says hes having stomach issues and/or maybe a mental breakdown. 

I am more inclined to believe he either relapsed and is there for that or alcohol poisining. I dont know why but that is the feeling i get. I know i can be way off and i know that since we are seperated he is within his right to not tell me he was there. but my heart aches for him. We have never not been with each other in that situation i have always been by his side. 

I feel hurt he didnt call me, i feel hurt i couldnt be there with him, im ashamed he didnt want me there. 


Im ashamed that ive been behaving the way i have, callowing him to push my bottuns and harrassing him to get details out of him i may never get. 

I am suffering now and crying my heart out at the realization that WE are probably over. I am so hurt i cannot describe my hurt. I feel so betryed and deceived. It never ends. I just want to stop myself anf restrain myself from making myself seem needy when all i want is the truth. 

I call him all the time (after he calls me and we start to fight) because i want to finish what he started, instead of letting him simmer and stew i give him what he wants. 

Im a fool. Im a joke. Why is this so painful. Its been a month of this back and forth and all i feel is worse instead of better. the time hasnt helped me heal and i know its because of my lack of self control. 

What can i do? what can i do to stop myself. I feel so pathetic. I feel like loser and most of all i feel like its over.


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

Well,maybe it isn't over. I have noticed that when angry with my husband, a "crisis," no matter how small, pulls us together. It's a challenge to practice humility on a daily basis. I've found that it's a situation I see, everywhere, in all relationships. We have a choice: we can insist on being right or we can do the right thing.

Once you calm down, maybe you can get a message to him to please call you and let you know how he is and how you can help. When he does call, tell him you want to learn how to communicate with one another in a calm, productive and positive way. 

Right now, you are in deep distress. These things do pass. The big issue is getting control over one's emotions and refusing to hurt one another with your words.

God bless,

Lyn


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## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

Hi all, 

My husband was in the ER alll day again yesterday and was admitted into the hospital. Appaerently he has an extreme case of colitis. hes only 32. he need to have a colonoscopy in 6 weeks and may have polyps/cancer because of how bad the inflammation is. In all this i have not been to see him. 

My mother in law called me last night to tell me everything and also told me that he was making her not call me. She finally put her foot down and told him not to put her in the middle of our fight and that i was his wife and needed to know what was going on with him. 

She also spoke to me the same way my mother did and told me we needed to work things out if we still love eachother. 

She says she asked him if he still loves me becuase what he is doing is wrong. he said he does but he cant stand the fighting anymore. 

Neither can I. I truly love him. Most of my yelling is triggered by his spending our money. 

He is careless and never takes into consideration our family. He feels he needs to earn more and i feel he needs to quit spending it all because even if he makes millions he will find a way to spend it all. he is like MC hammer!!!! seriously he has no sense with money!

I want t owork on our marriage, but i feel i need him to be transparent and to explain where all our money has gone for the last couple of months. I want to be on the phonebill, i want the credit card statements (all of them), i dont want passwords on the phone and i want the phone deletions to stop. i want all the passwords to all the emails. 

i want it all and i feel that is the only way we can move forward. He lies all the time. Even if he isnt cheating he is even stupider for acting the way he has been acting. wreckless and loose. 

I am a stay at home mom and i have ajob interview today. It breaks my heart to think i have to leave my kids behind to make 10 dollars an hour in a job i will hate. I want to stay home with my kids and go back to school to finally finish my degree. 

but i cant do it if i leave him, and in all honesty i love him and want my family more than life itself. I believe in the sanctity of marriage, but i cant be the only one. 

My mother says that he will never confess, that he is a man and that if i want to work it out, i need to stop fightintg him and asking him questions. 

I feel i am letting him off the hook. I fell i am rewarding his bad behavior. We dont have sex like we used to, im mean to him, hes mean to me, he doesnt spend time with us, and he spends all our money. Its a vicous circle and she says the only way to break it is to show humility and do what i want for myself (like go to school and take care of myself physically/mentally) and to be nice to him and stroke his ego. she say that she wants us to work but that i have to be the bigger person. 

I feel sooooo strange being nice because im afraid it wont work out the way i want it to. 

I dont wan tto work!!!! I dont want to leave my kids!!!! I want my family!!!! what can i do!!!!!!! what should I do!!!! I want my husband and i feel he wants me too but he keeps on pinning the blame on me. 

The MC i dont like but from what ive been reading here, maybe shes not taking sides, and i feel like shes a bicth. Im doing what she told me to do. which it to go to anger management. but my anger stems from him!!! please can someone explain this to me. Sorry it was so long/.


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

I get what you are saying.

1. Pave the way for success in your marriage.

2. Make a commitment to communicate with one another differently. Hold your temper and don't treat him like a naughty child. 

3. Tell him you want to stop the fighting and go in a different direction. Ask him if he is willing to do the same and make changes, as you are.

4. If he agrees, tell him that for the stability of the family and your marriage, the two of you are going to need to learn how to work together on your financial situation. Be prepared to make compromises. If things get tense, both of you calm down and cool off before trying again. There is no excuse for screaming and/or fighting and it will not solve anything, just inflame it. Just so NO to fighting.

5. A counselor/mediator/coach of some kind will be invaluable in helping to set new guidelines mfor your marriage. Don't try to do this on your own.

Remember, happiness is a choice.

Best,

Lyn


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## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

Hey lyn, 

Im going to the job interview anyways. Just to see if the pay is okay whatever. I dont want to tak eit or anything but just in case, im not going to burn any bridges. 

As far as my hubby and i go....

How do i approach this, I do not want to seem like i have my tail between my legs, he has made it clear that he wants me to apologize for kicking him out and whatever, but im not. i felt strongly about it and still do. I am willing to continue this seperation if he feels he cannot do differently but i want to try. 

So my question is... how do i approach that conversation? I want the truth, but as my mother says, i need to get over it and forget that he will ever tell me. I find it extremely hard because, again, i feel like i am allowing him to behave poorly in our marriage. I feel like he gets to f**k up and smile like nothing ever happened. 

Let me also say my mom does feel we need the seperation big time. she feels so strongly about it that she wants to buy and investment property to have me move closer to her while we work things out. but that is a commitment of atleast 2 years because she cant lease the property until she has owned it for two years. 

My next question is, if he does not agree to the transperency but still wants in, what do i do? I refuse to have a foggy marriage. we married with the expectations of transperency and i am still dead on that point. To me a marriage has no SECRETS> NONE. my bills are his and his are mine. 

The money thing is a huge hurdle but i can deal with that thru counseling and if he doesnt change it then i will work around it like every other smart woman does. I want to care ofr my kids and go to school...bottom line. 

what if he doesnt go for it?

Im willing to change to show him i love him. im willing to forgive him for it all, im willing to be the b**ch just to help us workout. but how do i get the ball rolling.


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

There is a difference between cowering, bowing and scraping and negotiating. 

He wants you to apologize for kicking him out. Exactly what is there to apologize for? You can apologize for losing patience with him. Is he ready to admit his part? If not, there is no discussion, no fighting, no communication until he is ready to negotiate in a fair way, which likely means the assistance of a counselor.

You want the truth about what, exactly? You may not be able to get the entire truth b/c you can't force someone to do/say anything. That said, things can obviously not continue as they were. There are trust issues, for sure. You don't trust him and perhaps with very good reason. You don't OWE him trust, he needs to facilitate that in your marriage. 

He does need to be accountable as an adult and that would be the terms of reuniting, and that would be my greatest point. 

1. You are sorry you don't have more patience. You can't cope with all of the turmoil.

2. There are serious issues which need to be addresses if both are going to be satisfied in this marriage. Do you love one another enough to want the best for one another? Do you both want to "be right," or to DO THE RIGHT THING? Hint: the correct answer is to do the right thing. What does that entail? Behaving yourselves and being respectful to one another and considerate of one another's feelings. THAT is love.

If this can't happen, there is no point. It's up to you AND up to him.

Start calm, stay calm. See a counselor, don't let him push you around and bully you, stand firm. If he wants to come home, he needs to change his attitude. 

If he does not agree to adult behavior, save yourself any further heartache and get legal advice. What you see is what you get. Can you live with it? Not likely.



mishu143 said:


> The money thing is a huge hurdle but i can deal with that thru counseling and if he doesnt change it then i will work around it like every other smart woman does. I want to care ofr my kids and go to school...bottom line.
> 
> what if he doesnt go for it?


What if he doesn't go for what?

Best,

Lyn


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## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

i mean what if he doesnt go for the transperency thing. i know i wont take him back. it sucks!

Last night my mother in law left us alone in her apartment with the kids. She told me "be kind and make him miss you guys" i did just that and he ended up with his hands all over me, kissing me. then he called me a jerk and i looked at him and told him dont start with me because all your lying is what is causing this. 

He still doent see what he is doing. 

he went on to say that he was really hurt by all the fighting we were doing and that he has never ever cheated on me. but that he felt the need to do all this stupidity to prove he was still a man. 

whatever. 

after that i stopped talking because i was getting mad. i kept my cool. kept on with the affection. when i was leaving with the kids he told me to call him. 

I called him about 4 5min after i left but he was going to the corner store to buy some food for his new diet (colonitis). his mom was also with him so they were talking back and forth and he would hang up call me back hang up call me back whatever. 

finally he got back to his mom and called me again and was just going to tell me good night. i said "okay i stayed up and extra 2 hours waiting for you to call me and talk thinking you had something to talk about. 

he said "well what did you think i was going to say" 

I said nothing. he kept pursuing but i kept my cool and said nothing. 

Then he said it: and i guess its a step forward but it stung liuke a b**ch. he said that he was happy to see me and he missed the affection. he hadnt gotten it in a loooong time (this is true) and that he missed me as a partner. but that last night was only a baby step and we just had to continue what we were doing. 

urrrgh seriously you anus!!! he f**ks up and im the one being punished. i refuse to ask him back hime. my mom says i should. she says we belong together and we are both stubborn idiots. she says to let it allllllll go and to let him deal with the money thing he is causing us. which is all fine to me. but i expect nothing less than transperency. and at this point i dont see him saying he will be transparent. 

I guess what im asking is...how do i continue with this situation. 
His last paycheck wasnt even a pasycheck. he deposited cash into the account to make it look like it was his check. so im tempted to belive he asked for another loan and just put in what he thought was his check amount. but his bank posts the deposits slip and its very clear it was cash. 

im very mad because i keep wondering, where the hell is alll this money. what is going to happen to us. he has to pay this back and we have enought problems. jesus. this man doesnt under stnd the position he is putting us in. 

that is what i am afraid of. My idea is to just continue being nice and let it ride out. but i am not calling him or chasing him. i will let him do the pursuing. i mean its complicated i know, but seriously why are men so stupid. why is mine so stupid?


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## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

lol this is so crazy!!!

i went to my motehr in laws house today to visit my husband and ofcourse we were alone and for the first time since we seperated i did what i was told. i was nice again as i was yesterday. and sweet. he ended up wanting to screw. we did because i felt guilted after i said no three times. he said your still my wife after i told him he wasnt in our hom so i wanst having sex. well i did. 

and then as he napped i went to snoop in his car and found a doctors costume and beads all over his car. the kind of beads that get thrown at you when you go to mardi gras or fantasy fest. 

he denied it was his. he turned bright red and yelled at me. 

do you all want to know the best part?

I KEPT MY COMPOSURE!!! im so proud of myself. 

i simply smiled grabbed my children and walked away. picked up my belongings after he stormed off in his car and i went home. 

what a fu**ing Dic*!!!


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Why are you still seeing him ? You know he is a user and abuser and until you walk away and stay out of contact he will jerk you around as he likes . 

Focus on you and your children , cut him out of your life .

The only way you will get respect from your husband is when you respect yourself , when you get there it is you who will decide of you want him in your life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

yep it sure seems that way. unfoturnately it took this for me to finally really stop trying. 

This is the straw that broke the camels back for me. 

let me top the cherry off for you guys, my mother in law called me and told me she does not want me to be in her house alone with her son ever again because the landlord told her she heard us fighting and was about to call the cops. 

i corrected my mother in law and told her her son was yelling while i calmly grabbed my kids and left and she had the nerve to tell me that me bringing the beads and doc costume into the house set him off and i should have known better. 

lol never talking to anyone on his side of the family again
!!! they are all the same crap. I met my husband and fell into crap. and i knoew it the whole time, just failed to tell myself the truth. 

Sad, my kids are the ones who suffer in the end. The loser also said he was going to g et himself fired so that he could work as a busboy and make my life a living hell by making me work even harder as a single mom. i guess he doesnt see how that will affect his kids because him working as a busboy will not hurt me one bit. 

off to a new life my friends...the story will continue!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Clearly he is used to momma accepting and enabling whatever behavior he wants to do. Make a note to yourself: Next time find a man, not a mommas boy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

so last night he came by here at 9:30 and i aske dhim ehtru the door "what do u want?" and he stormed off saying fine bye. got in his car and drove off. 

Then at around 11:30 he sends me this text:

Last time I will say this I need you to not personalize this and just for once be receptive. Although I have lied for reasons that were not necessary it was always to keep the peace in our home. I do love you sasha more than you will ever understand. I never cheated kissed or touched or even had any interest looking for another relationship with any other woman. I do not have any type of relationship whatsoever. I love my family it was my motive in,life but it was taken from me under false pretense I love u and want to spend the rest of my life with you but things have to change in an,extreme fashion no excuses no demands no more chances. We have to learn how a relationship works how two people should help eachother and make eachother better and how to teach by example instead of words I want vic to know what a happy family is were he feels safe no worries no doubts I want a happy home and I will fight to the end but I will no longer live the torn untrusting unrespecting uneasy home 


I agree with him on the fighting but does he really think that i am the problem? i guess so because he still doesnt realize what a jerk he is....


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

Wow. WHAT A TRIP.

I will say, maybe I already have, but...I was in a marriage like this. The being screamed at, the money vanishing, etc. We were separated for a time while I waited for him to get reasonable. After 5 years he decided to get counseling. He also decided he was never going to change and hired a lawyer. After I was married to someone else, he told me that he regretted the way that he treated me and wished he'd been nicer, that I deserved better.

My advice: don't enable his behavior by providing a conversation for him to fight. Be polite, be civil, if he comes over, don;t ask him what he WANTS. Be kind and ask him what you can do for hum.

His refusal to be transparent, for me, is a deal-breaker. These money issues will not be resolved.

He has to change if he wants you to trust him. Simple as that.

Best,

Lyn


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## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

well it seems we r over. I am atleast. im done with th egames and his head trips. he came over last nite to see the kids and was so sick he couldnt go home. He got here with a dramatic scene about how he felt awful and thowing up whatever. i nursed him was kind and sweet and let him sleep. 

today i went into his phone and d/l the pics he had in them and he definantely was out partying at a festival halloween while my daughter and i were in the er. whatever i know she got sick while he was already gone but why the need to lie about being away with a client. why not just say where he really is?

whatever long story short we got into a huge fight then he started with his act again that he felt terrible and he laid down again. I laid down next to him and he started hugging me told me not to cry anymore. he never cheated and he never would. 

he said i kicked him out so hes been out doing as he pleased but never screwed around. anyways we got into the topic about coming back hoime and im getting this to be more of a power trip than him wanting to really work on this. He kept asking me if i wanted him home and i said but without your lies and you bull**** and i want access to all the accounts etc. 

he said fine no more lies but he doesnt want me snooping anymore. I have to trust him. i said no you have to earn it. you dont deserve it. he got mad and blew up again. 

whatever, then he got back to normal and started talking again but reallyu just wanted to screw. i gave in because i became his wife again. we screwed and he came inside. while he was in the shower he asked me about the morning after pill. i got mad (even thought i know we arnt trying to have anymore kids) and told him ofcourse now im your f**k buddy. 

he kept saying tyhat wasnt it. i told him then i guess you just wanted to get laid. i felt used. he told me that ofcourse he needed to get laid. im his wife and he diodnt want to screw in the street. 

I was so fu**ing offended but kept my cool. i told him it was amistake to screw again and that that was the last time i would make that mistake. so basically the only thing im good for is to screw him but nothing else. 

i wen tto the RX store and bought the morning after pill. im doen with this man. im calling my dady tomm and buying some packing boxes. im leaving for good.


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