# LOL, XH checking to be sure I'm all right -



## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

So I get a text today from ex, saying, good morning, how are you? May we set a time for him to come by and get some of his things, and he is required to return the military ID card. 

I didn't reply, I was busy, didn't want to talk to him really, and was really curious about what he meant by "how are you," was he being courteous, was he really checking. I also thought it was funny that he said "May we set a time . . . " After my lawyer got finished with him, he sure is showing me some respect. 

So in the meantime, while I think about it (it is our first post-divorce "correspondence" since the divorce was final last Tuesday, and he's already married to the OW, 6 weeks ago), I look at the phone records, and I can see that she's texting him every fifteen minutes. She wants that damn card back so she can get hers and her free tax-payer paid health insurance (which I don't have because I get my own at work, but what the hell, everything else is paid for her by the taxpayer). I wonder if the USAF ID guys will ask how much time elapsed between the divorce and the new marriage (uh, minus six weeks) unlike the clerk who issued the marriage license . . . 

Anyway, so I finally text him back and say, Hello, I'm doing great and I hope you are too. Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday between noon and 4 would work just fine. I'll leave your junk mail on the couch and my military ID in an envelope right next to it.

Okay, so, he texts back almost immediately, Wednesday or Thursday would work for him, and he's glad to hear I'm doing alright. He asked me to leave his blue organizer folder out on the couch as well, and that he would get as much stuff as possible. 

So, he really WAS getting pressure from his new illegal ***** of a wife to get my ID card back, and I guess he was really hoping I was a in a puddle on the floor and waiting and hoping for him to come back to me (which he never will). 

Right. I think I'm going to like this phase. NOW he worries about me. I'm not anybody's Plan B. 

Fvck him.


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

He is likely being nagged non-stop already. He made his bed. Good riddance.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Karma has awoken!!!! Good for you and good riddance to him!!!!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Your last two words encompass everything. 

Fvck him. 

And his h0.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

TeddieG said:


> So, he really WAS getting pressure from his new illegal ***** of a wife to get my ID card back, and I guess he was really hoping I was a in a puddle on the floor and waiting and hoping for him to come back to me (which he never will).
> 
> Right. I think I'm going to like this phase. NOW he worries about me. I'm not anybody's Plan B.
> 
> Fvck him.


good call.

I think he'll find a dependapotamus is troublesome beast to marry...


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## TheGoodGuy (Apr 22, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> Your last two words encompass everything.
> 
> Fvck him.
> 
> ...


Totally agreed. You go TeddieG!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheGoodGuy (Apr 22, 2013)

spotthedeaddog said:


> good call.
> 
> I think he'll find a dependapotamus is troublesome beast to marry...


Dependapotamus!! What a great word.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

Yeah, I used that card to get on base and shop, since it wasn't full of people, and I especially enjoyed doing my Christmas shopping there because it was like a composite of various department stores without all the traffic. And I loved the porcelain serving pieces for Christmas that I always got for family. My sister loved Santa Claus everything (cake plates, serving trays, salt and pepper shakers) when the kids were little or to take some lovely baked thing to work. I got her a huge amazing Santa Claus cookie jar there that looked like Santa sitting his comfy chair at the base. It was the ultimate and complete and final contribution to her collection. I remember getting beautiful ornaments from Europe for my mother, which she would display on her mantle with an ornament hanger. I didn't have to pay tax, and some items had 10-15% in the way of discounts, which I thought was fair for the folks serving our country making abou the same as WalMart workers on food stamps, or veterans who served their country for 20-years plus. But more importantly, there were items that I am sure are available elsewhere, but buying wine glasses from Germany or plates from Austria were just reminders of the places where my h served and was trained and where the people rolled out their hospitality as we used their bases . . . 

And I could always count on it in the event he had an emergency and I needed ID to prove my status as his wife . . . And all she wants it for is another freebie. 

Fvck.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

spotthedeaddog said:


> good call.
> 
> I think he'll find a dependapotamus is troublesome beast to marry...


I know, I can not WAIT for him to discover that no matter WHAT he does, she still isn't, and isn't likely to be, happy. 

Too bad for him.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

ID? Oh I thought I was supposed to shred it after we signed. It's gone. Sorry. 

Or

ID? Sorry I misplaced it.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

That ID meant a lot to me. I was proud to be married to a veteran who spent 20 years of his life serving his country, winning awards, especially for marksmanship, providing supplies and ground support to our troops all over the world. And then he came out of the military having his retirement delayed for a year because the USAF sent him to Desert Storm and also supplying troops in Iraq. When he finally got to retire he spent ten years in contracting keeping refueling trucks and various support vehicles in good operating order. 

I'll never understand what happened to that stand-up guy that was my h. 

That ID card meant a lot to me. And all she wants is free healthcare as part of her trifecta - food stamps and free childcare, and now finally the ***** has free healthcare. 

How nice for her.


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## NoMoreTears4me (Oct 21, 2015)

For me I have found, by looking back and examining things. That when my now ex was nice to me she was after something. She was either keeping me on the hook while she was planning something or she needed something in return.

There was NO actual concern. After she got what she wanted from me she returned to her natural state.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

TeddieG said:


> was really curious about what he meant by "how are you," was he being courteous, was he really checking.


You're reading WAY too much into it...

I say, "Hi, how are you?" to strangers all the time just to be polite.

I really don't give a fvck how they are. It's just something people say. Like "bless you" after someone sneezes. 

Stop caring whether there is hidden motive behind his words. You're still letting him rent space in your head. You don't exist to him except as an old roommate who still has his stuff.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

TeddieG said:


> I know, I can not WAIT for him to discover that no matter WHAT he does, she still isn't, and isn't likely to be, happy.
> 
> Too bad for him.


I understand where from where this comes, Teddie... I really do.

But it is not healthy for you, even if it feels good in the moment.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

BetrayedDad said:


> Stop caring whether there is hidden motive behind his words. You're still letting him rent space in your head. You don't exist to him except as an old roommate who still has his stuff.


Exactly.

Detachment, Teddie. Focus on being great, which all of us know you are; not on retribution, which is poison to your soul.



Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

farsidejunky said:


> Detachment, Teddie. Focus on being great, which all of us know you are; not on retribution, which is poison to your soul.


This is great advice, and some I need to heed, too.

After telling me two weeks ago that I "didn't need to know" where he was going on his next airline trip when I asked him out of politeness, my ex left an unwieldy voice mail message on my phone while on his latest trip, telling me all about where he was and where he'd been and when he'd be coming home and seeing our son again. I thought he must have had me confused with his GF at first.

I didn't call him back - didn't seem to "need to." He texted me a half hour later saying "Just wanted to make sure you got my message." There was really nothing pertinent in it about our son - he was just reiterating what he'd already told me about what time he'd be picking him up the day he got back. I just texted back a little later that yes, I got his message and that would be fine.

I spent a good part of the day that day reading way too much into why he was suddenly being Chatty Cathy about his trip, and so concerned when I didn't call him or text him back within 30 minutes of leaving his message.

You know what? He was probably just bored. And I need to concentrate my energy on other things.


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## MRR (Sep 14, 2015)

The other day my ex asked me if we could have a talk-- that is one of her things, having a talk. So I was like... ok, what? clearly not interested in her drama. She said what she had to say and I said do what you want that is on you and i dont care what you do. 

She said, I dont understand why you hate me so much? (she walked away from the marriage, fyi).

I said, It isnt that I hate you, its that i dont care (and i meant it).

Of course the next day she said, when i went to pick up my son, i need to talk to you about something. I stood with her apartment door half open and said, ok so talk. Not mean but i do not have a lot of interest in these little 'talks', so my patience isnt there. 

She proceeded to tell her that she had ended things with her bf. I said that is your deal, my only concern was that the kids are safe. ( I let it be known that I was not fully comfortable with this guy based on some significant issues with drinking). 

Of course she wanted to talk about it but luckily for me I do not care about how she spends her time or with whom (though i was keeping a close eye on how the kids were due to the suspect bf). 

In any case, there WAS a time when I would wonder what she wanted, etc., and even when i was going through cancer treatment-- twice-- and she acted like she really cared, crying and emotional, it all came down to her. Her reaching out was for her own personal reasons not because she ever really wanted to help me. Now I dont care. You can get there too. Half the time she texts me I literally do not respond. And have NO urge to-- which is even more important. You can get there, where you have your own life and do not care what he does, you do not analyze his contact with you, and you do not hate him or his life, wife, friends, family, etc. 

I am not totally there but closer and closer.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

farsidejunky said:


> Exactly.
> 
> Detachment, Teddie. Focus on being great, which all of us know you are; not on retribution, which is poison to your soul.
> 
> ...


Thanks, junky. I know, you guys are right. I just wanted a little glimpse out the window of the karma bus. I wasn't really thinking of it as retribution at the time, but rather the natural order of things; but you're right, it does sound like a desire for retribution, I guess, and I really DO want him to be happy and well (or at least that's what I've been saying for the last 7 years). 

:frown2:

Going back to work now. So I can be great again.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

MRR said:


> The other day my ex asked me if we could have a talk-- that is one of her things, having a talk. So I was like... ok, what? clearly not interested in her drama. She said what she had to say and I said do what you want that is on you and i dont care what you do.
> 
> She said, I dont understand why you hate me so much? (she walked away from the marriage, fyi).
> 
> ...


Thanks, MRR. When my brother's first wife left him for her old boyfriend, the boyfriend was living far away, and she would call my brother, like they were best buds or something, and whine to him that she was upset because she thought the old/new boyfriend was really in to her but was turning out to be a part-time boyfriend, and she wasn't up for that. 

My brother was astonished. 

I am convinced cheating makes people crazy, or destroys their empathy, or something. 

Not my problem any more. :wink2:


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

TeddieG said:


> I am convinced cheating makes people crazy, or destroys their empathy, or something.


I've come to realize that whatever empathy my ex might have had for anyone before was either just for show, or has died.

He told me the other day that his GF is going "back home" for Christmas - for a week, actually - without him. That she's leaving on the day he goes back out on his next trip. I go, "Well, I guess you can coordinate dropping her off that way." He goes, "She's not even flying out of the same airport. She can drive herself and park her own car. That's not my problem."

This is the amount of regard he has for this woman he had to be with so badly, he started divorce proceedings in March, our divorce was final by July, and he moved her in with him in September.

"Take another look into his eyes, and you will only see a reptile."


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

Yeah, beans, I know my h's OW didn't get a prize. Which makes me wonder why I care. If he didn't love me anymore and wanted a divorce, that would have been one thing. But to cheat, especially with a woman like that. I realize cheaters often affair down. She was determined to get him away from me; it was less about him and more about winning. Her own first husband cheated on her and married the OW. She had to know what that meant, but I think she wanted to steal a man away from someone in order to feel her self esteem restored or something, I guess. And her own father abandoned the family when she was 12, although her younger brother turned out normal. 

I just don't see what they thought they would gain by hurting me, although h DID have a smirk on his face for DAYS when he told me he loved me but wasn't in love with me. 

I will just never know what I did to him to make him want to hurt me like that. But of course I know it wasn't about me; it goes all the way back to his mother and his issues with her. But I wish he hadn't told me he was cheating and had just packed up his stuff and left, rather than string me along for a long time. When I saw the divorce had been granted on the court's online system, I was surprisingly calm, then giddy, so relieved it was over. I wasn't prepared, I guess, for the aftermath, the delayed reaction. 

But what's done is done.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Embrace the pain, Teddie. It is what will ultimately lead to your healing.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Reminds me of right after my D.... we still had to communicate (ugh). I told her I had my taxes done.

About two months later "when are we going to meet to do our taxes" ... I sent her the same email

telling her I had mine done. I filed M/S but she wanted to file together. The way I filed, I received $1k,

she then had to file the same way, and pay in $2k. Guess why she wanted us to file together.... 

Email blow-up...... by this time IDGAF..... so I did respond. "If we were M, I would have considered this

but you decided we shouldn't be anymore so.... I just followed your lead."

Teddie..... nothing like having an old hag contacting him every 15 minutes. I bet he just loves that schit LMAO

He made his bed.... now he must lay in it. He should have been more careful in what he wished for.

Feel glad.... you had him when he was at his best. He is a shell of his former self.

As for contacting you... don't read into it. If he wants something, it is up to him to ask, and yours to decide

to assist with or not.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

Thanks, Chuck. I just hope he doesn't contact me. I stipulated in our divorce decree that we file separately this year. We always get refunds but they're a lot lower because he doesn't have much withheld, and this year my refund will be higher and he'll probably break even or possibly even owe. 

I just look forward to the day when a day goes by and I don't think about any of this. The holidays aren't helping, and getting a divorce so close to Christmas sucks. We were just shy of a month from our 10th wedding anniversary, after being together 10 years before that. We got married January 3, while we were in my home state for the holidays. But what the hell, he crapped on every major holiday or birthday at some point over the last 7 years, so what's one more. 

Because I'm so tired I think my pity party is carrying on a little longer than I expected. Time to hit the shower and wash the fuvktard out of my hair for the day. One day at a time. 

But thank you, because I DO need to remind myself that I had him at his best and now he truly is a shell of himself. I am sure part of my grief is the loss of the guy he was, not the guy he is. And that might have happened whether he stayed or whether he went. I got to watch some of his twilight, and it wasn't pretty. He's just an angry old man now. 

But it is what it is.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

The Christmas holidays suck when you are going through or just out of a M. I was dreading Christmas '12. Ended up chatting with an ex/gf and we met when she came down to visit family (just hugs and catching up). I never understood fully why the suicide rates are so high during the holidays.... after 2012, it made perfect sense.

I saw my XW at her best. I felt privileged to have. Sadly... I saw her decline. It will get better. There are many pieces which have yet to fall in place for you emotionally.... once you reach the IDGAF stage, everything will fall in place.

You now have a drama-less life.... LOL look what your XH has. From what you have stated about the OW.... she would have Billy Graham headed for the liquor store in a few weeks.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Teddie, I know what you mean about mourning the loss of the guy he once was (or in my case, of the guy I once thought he was).

I got to watch a decline for several years, too. We were married for 25, and I can honestly say now that we should have ended it about 7 years ago. But our son was only 6 at that point - it may have hurt him more in some ways to end it while he was still so young. We didn't fight or even bicker, so it's not like he watched us at each other's throats ever, let alone for years. But we drifted apart. Holidays for those last several years, except for making them fun for our son, kind of always sucked. He went out of his way not to be here in town for them, just like he did this year. He has always been weird about them. I have to wonder if his family, when he was growing up, had some weird rituals he's never told me about that makes him dislike Thanksgiving and Christmas so much.

I especially enjoyed the song "You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch" when they played it on the radio the other day on my way to work. I never realized how ridiculously funny that song was until I could apply it to someone I know. Or thought I knew.

You know what? The holidays don't have to be terrible for either of us. Start a new tradition - like going to a movie on Christmas Day. My son and I are going to see the new Star Wars movie on Christmas Day. It's the first time he's been willing to go to a movie with just me in over a year.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Teddie, 

"You have much *han*", as my girlfiriend and I like to joke. It's a Korean emotion...

_Han is sorrow caused by heavy suffering, injustice or persecution, a dull lingering ache in the soul. It is a blend of lifelong sorrow and resentment, neither more powerful than the other. Han is imbued with resignation, bitter acceptance and a* grim determination to wait until vengeance can at last be achieved.*

Han is passive. It yearns for vengeance, but does not seek it. Han is held close to the heart, hoping and patient but never aggressive. It becomes part of the blood and breath of a person. There is a sense of lamentation and even of reproach toward the destiny that led to such misery._

I'm still waiting for the karma bus to flatten my ex, but alas, it will most likely happen late in this life...or perhaps the next.

In the meantime, I will embrace my _han_.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

Chuck71 said:


> From what you have stated about the OW.... she would have Billy Graham headed for the liquor store in a few weeks.


How wise and observant and damned spot-on you are. I look forward to things making sense or falling into place. Really, they're starting to. I was looking at some texts on my phone today and somehow happened on to a pic of h i took at one of our favorite restaurants when he was home in August for surgery. It was the same restaurant I took him to on his birthday in 2008, when he looked at me across the table as if he didn't know me, and a week later I got the ILYBINILWY speech. Interestingly, when we were dating, the LAST thing I feel in love with about him was his looks. But ever since, I've thought he was gorgeous. For an older guy, he didn't get the paunch and he was tall and skinny. We met in Texas, and the first time I saw him live and in person he was in skinny jeans and a pair of cowboy boots. For years, and even through his crisis, I thought he was amazingly gorgeous and held age at bay. 

And today I saw that pic from August, with his steel blue gunmetal eyes in a blue shirt that made them stand out, and the only reaction I had was, meh. 

Wow. He was once my Kryptonite. He's fallen from grace in a huge way. And it is all on him.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

ThreeStrikes said:


> Teddie,
> 
> "You have much *han*", as my girlfiriend and I like to joke. It's a Korean emotion...
> 
> ...


Damn, threestrikes, you're good. It's not that I want him to experience vengeance, unless by that you mean he experiences an awakening and realizes that he threw the real prize away for a carnival ring that will turn his finger green (maybe with gangrene). But this, "There is a sense of lamentation and even of reproach toward the destiny that led to such misery," yeah. He chose. He had other choices. But there were a whole host of things stacked against him, like his mother, his FOO, his upbringing . . . even so, this morning my mantra was, no matter WHAT was going on with him and what was placed in front of him, if he loved me, he'd be here. 

End of.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

I still glance at photos of XW and I from years gone by. I even posted one here a couple years ago on my LaD thread. I still can see her at the lake, hair blowing in the wind, racing to the car to change the station.... that God-awful Hansen song came on. 

Those are times I will always carry. What if you get M again Chuck? Well.... everyone has a past. But also what I remember is what she turned into. How she balled up in a shell after her mom died. How she put on 100+ pounds and let herself go. Yes I posted a pic of her on a dating site after the D.

You can't fix them. Why should you even want to? As my D was in progress, my then IC / best female friend asked me why I was not trying to save the M. -She schit on the bed, she can clean it up-


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

Nomorebeans said:


> Teddie, I know what you mean about mourning the loss of the guy he once was (or in my case, of the guy I once thought he was).
> 
> I got to watch a decline for several years, too.
> 
> ...


 @Nomorebeans, I love the idea of a movie. I want to see Spotlight. One Christmas when h was with OW and I was home alone I watched the Lion in Winter on the BBC. That would have become a tradition except that the BBC didn't continue to air it every year. 

You know, in many ways my h's symptoms mirrored those of a midlife crisis. What I was up against, though, was he pre-existing bi polar disorder, and I look back now and realize that just as the surgery changed him for the worst in August, the anesthesia for the kidney stone procedures (3 of them) changed him, and then all hell broke loose with the infidelity and the sh!t hit the fan. It is comforting to hear you and @Chuck71, sad to say, dealt with decline. It makes me feel less alone and less like the variables in my situation really weren't variables at all, and can be common as people age. And Chuck is right, we can't save them. 

Thanks so much beans. When I'm in the movie theater I'll be thinking of you! Happy holidays to you and yours.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

TeddieG said:


> So I get a text today from ex, saying, good morning, how are you? May we set a time for him to come by and get some of his things, and he is required to return the military ID card.
> 
> I didn't reply, I was busy, didn't want to talk to him really, and was really curious about what he meant by "how are you," was he being courteous, was he really checking. I also thought it was funny that he said "May we set a time . . . " After my lawyer got finished with him, he sure is showing me some respect.
> 
> ...


Ha! You be plan HOT! Dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

Dude007 said:


> Ha! You be plan HOT! Dude
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Aw Dude, you ALWAYS know the right thing to say. LOLZ!


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

My ex was the same, she wanted me to fight over her like some prize. Too bad I love myself too much to place another before myself, LOL.

You go girlfriend!

But I seriously hope that my ex recieved some help to help her deal with her abusive past. Damn that empathetic side to myself at times.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Chuck71 said:


> I still glance at photos of XW and I from years gone by. I even posted one here a couple years ago on my LaD thread. I still can see her at the lake, hair blowing in the wind, racing to the car to change the station.... that God-awful Hansen song came on.
> 
> Those are times I will always carry. What if you get M again Chuck? Well.... everyone has a past. But also what I remember is what she turned into. How she balled up in a shell after her mom died. How she put on 100+ pounds and let herself go. Yes I posted a pic of her on a dating site after the D.
> 
> You can't fix them. Why should you even want to? As my D was in progress, my then IC / best female friend asked me why I was not trying to save the M. -She schit on the bed, she can clean it up-


In my "amicable divorce" odyssey I think it was about a year between actually seeing her. I still can't believe how much she let herself go. I remember showing my lawyer a picture of her that I took like a month before the meltdown and he didn't even believe it was the same person. I have many good memories of my ex, it's a shame they are now associated with the freak show she has become. 

The holidays do stir emotions and memories, I was one of those saps who proposed on Christmas mainly because I couldn't figure out a good gift haha! Since everyone I know is divorced and there kids are grown the gang usually end up celebrating Christmas by going out to a friend's cabin, they drink too much beer, I cook them too much food and watch whatever football game we can get.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

honcho said:


> In my "amicable divorce" odyssey I think it was about a year between actually seeing her. I still can't believe how much she let herself go. I remember showing my lawyer a picture of her that I took like a month before the meltdown and he didn't even believe it was the same person. I have many good memories of my ex, it's a shame they are now associated with the freak show she has become.
> 
> The holidays do stir emotions and memories, I was one of those saps who proposed on Christmas mainly because I couldn't figure out a good gift haha! Since everyone I know is divorced and there kids are grown the gang usually end up celebrating Christmas by going out to a friend's cabin, they drink too much beer, I cook them too much food and watch whatever football game we can get.


When your XW was "on".... she was amazing. Totally get that.

Damaged people......... damage people. It's all they know. They may not even "mean to"

They start off so dynamic... then you're thinking.... WTF has this person turned into?

But if you notice... they are awesome for a short time and miserable for a lot longer


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Chuck71 said:


> When your XW was "on".... she was amazing. Totally get that.
> 
> Damaged people......... damage people. It's all they know. They may not even "mean to"
> 
> ...


Usually by the time you start asking wtf they have already sucked so much life and energy out of you it seems. I always joke they are like vampires, once they have drained you they move to the next. 

Damage does damage, no doubt but I'm pretty sure my ex means to do it haha


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

TeddieG said:


> Thanks, junky. I know, you guys are right. I just wanted a little glimpse out the window of the karma bus. I wasn't really thinking of it as retribution at the time, but rather the natural order of things; but you're right, it does sound like a desire for retribution, I guess, and I really DO want him to be happy and well (or at least that's what I've been saying for the last 7 years).
> 
> :frown2:
> 
> Going back to work now. So I can be great again.


Teddie, you are only human, don't beat yourself up about it. You will fine and move on and he will only be a distant memory. However, I am not so sure about him though but who cares? As the saying goes 'what goes around comes around' and he will probably regret his new marriage but that is his problem. Let him go.


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## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

I don't know what happened in your relationship, but I think he's regretting it.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

Threeblessings said:


> I don't know what happened in your relationship, but I think he's regretting it.


 @Threeblessings, I think you're right, and my friends say the same thing. But as aine says, it is really important to let him go and let him become a distant memory. A friend of mine recently said I was doing a really good job of just letting him be. I always have. I wanted him to make the decision, and the OW gave him an ultimatum just about the time she realized he was slipping away for the last time; she had her family join her in an intervention/confrontation, and before he left there he had asked her to marry him (which he did, before our divorce was final). So it's just crazy. And I'm glad crazy doesn't live here anymore.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Sounds like he's getting a taste of things to come, Teddy!

How did he manage to marry 6 weeks before the D was final? Sounds like they were in an awful hurry.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

He had surgery in August, my mother died in September, and he got in touch with her by going to her house. She and her family confronted him - get all in or get all out, and getting all in meant getting married. She was the one in a hurry because she knew they were unraveling and that he had been attempting reconciliation with me. 

One of two scenarios: either she did not know we were not divorced (he told her so many lies I'm sure he lost track) and he didn't have the balls to tell her that we were still married, because after he disappeared from her life, he would contact her and her family again. 

OR, he did it because on her third divorce, she and her then-h filed with paperwork they got online and agreed on everything and it was approved in 3 weeks. If he confessed and told her we weren't divorced (and lied and said that I was the one who got emotional when the final decree was negotiation, rather than telling her HE was the one who changed his mind the day he was due to show up in court and hand in the proposed decree), she was scared to death that he would never leave me. So ten days after he filed this time, they went to the county clerk's office and requested a marriage license. In this state, you have ten days to use it. I think he told her, IF she knew we weren't divorced, that we were fast-tracking it, doing it with online forms, over and done, and ten days after he filed, he'd be divorced. Didn't turn out that way. His lawyer was very slow; my lawyer didn't get a decree proposal for over a month after he filed, more like six weeks. And then my lawyer countered. 

So either both of them know they married illegally and don't care, or he fed her a bill of goods. I think she knew we weren't divorced because the day he was supposed to be here to go to court with his lawyer and turn in our agreed-upon decree, she and he texted non-stop for three hours. She was monitoring him the whole time and making sure he showed up and turned it in. 

So they both know that he wasn't divorced, I suspect, but a condition of coming back to her was marriage; they may have been putting on a show for her family. Or they may both be so mentally disordered that the niceties of the law don't matter to them. Even IF a divorce is final, a divorced person can't marry in this state for six months after a divorce decree. I fully expected him to marry her quickly and ignore that rule AFTER the divorce was final, but it never ever occurred to me he'd marry while still married to me. 

But again, my friends think he did that so that subconsciously he knows he's not legitimately married to her and has an out if and when he wants it. I suspect they will play house for years and no one will be the wiser, but who knows. It may also be that he is trying to put one over on her. 

I have no clue, really, since his conflicted relationship with his mother has colored all his relationships, and he already resents OW, his now-illegal wife. It is just very curious, and the only reason I find it interesting is because I KNEW he was crazy at times, but this just confirms my instincts. It is hard to look at someone you love and say, jeez, he's acting more and more crazy more and more often. 

There is also scientific research that anesthesia changes peoples' personalities and it takes months to get over (some people don't, if they're older). His problems started after three surgeries in a row for kidney stones, and then he pretty much came unglued after his surgery in August, when he nearly died, and it took 8 hours to get him off the anesthesia and to bring his blood pressure back up. I'm the type that needs to understand things, and I saw his personality and behavior changing, and I sought to understand it. I've thrown in the towel. 

It's been a long ride. Thanks for asking.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

He could also be realizing his mortality so to speak and trying to do as much as he can quickly. Thinking the end could come or barely escaping the grim reaper you start telling yourself the rules don't really matter because chances are I'll be gone when accountable time comes. 

I've seen guys do all sorts of oddball stuff after a critical illness over the years.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

honcho said:


> He could also be realizing his mortality so to speak and trying to do as much as he can quickly. Thinking the end could come or barely escaping the grim reaper you start telling yourself the rules don't really matter because chances are I'll be gone when accountable time comes.
> 
> I've seen guys do all sorts of oddball stuff after a critical illness over the years.


That's pretty much what I think is at the heart of it. I've always believed that as much as he complained to me about the drama of living with her, her drunkenness, yelling at the neighbors, walking the streets at night drunk in her nightgown, cops coming out, he really needed that to feel alive because he was so depressed. And it works with his need to be a KISA. She has a ten year old kid, and he had trouble adjusting to his kids growing up, although he's got grandchildren that age he could be pouring himself into if he just would. It's a do-over, a replay, and if he thinks he has little life left, he wants to be a hellion on the way out. 

So if it works for him, great. I don't think it will work long term, and from what he said, he didn't think it would either, but when the family confronted him, he caved. And I am not sure they have him on the pedestal they did when they thought they were going to get to unload the freeloading sister/daughter on someone who appeared to be a stand-up guy, but turned out to be two timer. Not being the center of attention and the life of the party when the honeymoon turns to reality will eat away at him, but it does in every relationship he has, so whatever. 

I really do wish him well, health, well-being, and happiness, as well as personal safety. But my desires for him and $1.25 will get him a diet Coke from a machine. It's all up to him.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

honcho said:


> He could also be realizing his mortality so to speak and trying to do as much as he can quickly. Thinking the end could come or barely escaping the grim reaper you start telling yourself the rules don't really matter because chances are I'll be gone when accountable time comes.
> 
> I've seen guys do all sorts of oddball stuff after a critical illness over the years.


My ex's exact words when he first tried to justify his affair were "I'm 56 years old. I may not have much more time."

If only that were true.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

My STBXW was 47...... "I don't want to live the rest of my life miserable"

Question... why did you want me back so bad when I decided to walk away from saving the M?

Guess you weren't THAT miserable... huh *wink*


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

TeddieG said:


> That's pretty much what I think is at the heart of it. I've always believed that as much as he complained to me about the drama of living with her, her drunkenness, yelling at the neighbors, walking the streets at night drunk in her nightgown, cops coming out, he really needed that to feel alive because he was so depressed. And it works with his need to be a KISA. She has a ten year old kid, and he had trouble adjusting to his kids growing up, although he's got grandchildren that age he could be pouring himself into if he just would. It's a do-over, a replay, and if he thinks he has little life left, he wants to be a hellion on the way out.
> 
> So if it works for him, great. I don't think it will work long term, and from what he said, he didn't think it would either, but when the family confronted him, he caved. And I am not sure they have him on the pedestal they did when they thought they were going to get to unload the freeloading sister/daughter on someone who appeared to be a stand-up guy, but turned out to be two timer. Not being the center of attention and the life of the party when the honeymoon turns to reality will eat away at him, but it does in every relationship he has, so whatever.
> 
> I really do wish him well, health, well-being, and happiness, as well as personal safety. But my desires for him and $1.25 will get him a diet Coke from a machine. It's all up to him.


Damn........ she is a "serious drunk" .... and she does this with a young child around?

Granted... I danced on the roof of my parent's house in my underwear but I was 20 and three other 

guys were doing it too. We liked a girl across the street. Yeah... LOL... How'd that work out!

But a mother being a "sod" around family? Damn.... morals of an alley cat at 3 AM.

So many people want the "new and exciting" but find out it's, at best, the same 'ol song n dance, mostly

they end up much worse than their previous.

You dealt with his crap a long time, you led him to the water but he never drank. That is 110% on HIM


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

Chuck71 said:


> Damn........ she is a "serious drunk" .... and she does this with a young child around?
> 
> Granted... I danced on the roof of my parent's house in my underwear but I was 20 and three other
> 
> ...


Yes indeed.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

How are you enjoying the "blistering hot" weather Teddie?


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

@Chuck71, Hey, I just caught up with this thread and saw your post. I hated it. And now it's back!! But we actually had spring here in the central Midwest for the month of March and much of April. Along with the requisite tornadoes. But i DO like spring! 

How's the weather where YOU are?


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

I think when I asked you that it was below zero in your area LOL. Weather was great in March-April... had windows raised 99% of time. Nice rain storms every few days.

Now it will be 90-100 every day until September, humidity about knocks you down.

Read any good books lately?


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