# It’s not personal



## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

I do not know if it is just the women in my life or just the way that I explain things but I am having difficulty in getting them to see that when I criticize something that they have or have not done it is not a personal attack on them.

The latest example.

I am teaching my 17 year old daughter to drive and when I explain that she is doing something wrong (not balancing the clutch / accelerator, braking to abruptly etc) she takes it as a personal affront. I have taught guys to drive in the past and did not have this problem. 

Similar things happen with my wife (the stew was great but the dumplings were a bit dry) my older daughter (I am happy you got such a strong grade in English literature but you should retake the mathematics exam and see if you can lift that grade).

Is it a problem with my communication skills or are women just more likely to “take it personally”.


----------



## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

> I do not know if it is just the women in my life or just the way that I explain things but I am having difficulty in getting them to see that when I criticize something that they have or have not done it is not a personal attack on them.
> 
> The latest example.
> 
> ...


Try it like this. 

Daughter driving: "You're doing great! Don't worry too much about easing the clutch/accelerator like I told you, keep practicing and it'll get easier. Don't worry too much about hitting the brakes too hard, the more you do it the better you'll get at it."

Dry dumplings: "Great stew honey!" 

I'd bet she knew the dumplings were dry and was already unhappy about it. You didn't need to add to it.

Test results: "I'm really proud of you for your english grade! What do you think about how you did?" 

If you ask her opinion about her grades you might find that she was already dissatisfied with her math grades and planning to retake, or she might be thrilled that she scored as well as she did and relieved that that's over. That can open up a conversation about her future and the possible need for tutoring. 

The point I'm making here is be less critical. Think back to when you were learning to drive, did you correctly work the clutch/accelerator on your first try or did it take some practice? Try just being encouraging and let the negatives go, see where that takes you. I doubt your world will fall apart if you're don't point out your families shortcomings.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Wiltshireman said:


> I am happy you got such a strong grade in English literature *BUT* you should retake the mathematics exam and see if you can lift that grade.


Your communication just needs some tweaking. In this sentence the word BUT negates everything positive you said.

Practice giving praise and then stop talking.

"The dumplings were great". Trust me she already knew they were dry.

For every negative you say you need 10 positives to offset the one.

You are working at a 1 to 1 ratio at the moment and they feel they can't do anything right with you.


----------



## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Agree with NF. Any individual small criticism, constructive or not, might not be taken as personal, but when they add up it can seem otherwise. Don't sweat the small stuff, like dry dumplings.


----------



## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

Well, as a happily married man for 36 years with three daughters, I think I am in a position to say that in my experience women generally do take criticism more personally than men. 

They (the women) are still lovely.


----------



## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

One good rule of thumb is to not offer unsolicited criticism. Did your wife ask you about the dumplings? Did your daughter ask you about her math grade? 

Some people will always find the negative no matter what. Are you one of those?


----------



## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

I know that I do tend to answer questions as asked without first thinking about how it might affect their feelings.

Dad why does the car keep staling? How was the dinner love? I pasted all but one of my GCSE’s.

With my sons or male friends it is unusual for them to take umbrage at constructive criticism.
“good movement but keep your guard up” , “ you have got all the answers right but it looks better if you show your working”, “if you update the sales predictions before you do the ordering you will be less likely to have a shortfall”
I do give a simple “well done” or “great work” when something is done right first time but I find it hard to not tell “the whole truth” when asked.

As for when I was taught to drive that would be a poor example to use with my daughter as I was taught whilst I was in the military and the nco’s would give you a slap around the head for any minor infraction or make you run the assault course if you failed an assessment.


----------



## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

My wife generally takes criticism personally. I've learned is not just when I'm actually being critical, it's whether she perceives it as such.

I've also learned to "let go of the little things", it really helps. It took a while to learn this and it's very different than walking on eggshells (I made that mistake).


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Because us women are more emotional by our very natures....generally speaking....we can (and often do ) take things more personally over men. I have 5 sons and 1 daughter.. Boy can I see this play out!

I have a great appreciation for the truth, I like to know how others feel and where they stand, even if it's not so pretty at times......if I feel it's not said tactfully and it "stings" me ....as some are not as "learned" in this area...... I will probably laugh and let the person know in some fashion... like "Damn, can we throw me under the bus a little faster" or something... I am not the type to clam up and withdrawal over some criticism ....but I may just let you know what I am thinking ...of how it is "coming off".

Excellent Post by Nucking Futs.. ..gotta love that name.


----------



## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Wiltshireman said:


> I know that I do tend to answer questions as asked without first thinking about how it might affect their feelings.
> 
> Dad why does the car keep staling? How was the dinner love? I pasted all but one of my GCSE’s.


I think you're missing the point of their communication. 

"How was the dinner, love?" possibly means "Did you enjoy the dinner I made you?" not "Please tell me if anything was lacking."

"I passed all but one of my GCSE's." (which I must point out is not actually a question) possibly means "Hey, Dad! I'm so proud of myself for passing all but one test." not "I need your help in identifying that one painfully obvious failure in my performance."

As far as the driving lesson, I'm sure you can understand that a girl could easily get frustrated by slow progress leanring such a skill. How exactly do you speak to her when you answer? Are you giving her the information she needs or are you criticizing her? My father was famous for this. It wasn't always what he said but the way he said it. By the time I was in my early teens, I simply stopped asking him for help or advice. 

Give it some thought.


----------



## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

My wife tells me that I am a bit OCD (she could have a point) and I do tend to "sweat the small stuff" , "count the pennies" but that is because I feel without the basics right you can’t expect long term success. 

No house will stand for long on poor foundations.

I do find it hard to give fulsome praise unless the job is done right but I know I do make the effort to thank people for hard work / effort even if the result left something to be desired.

Sometimes I think my wife especially expects me to say what she wants to hear and I will play along with that “does my bum look big in this dress” she asks “you look great to me” is my standard reply even though we both know she does have a bigger than average bottom (just as I now have a middle aged spread) why do we have to pretend we / or our lives are perfect? Why can’t we just be honest and love each other / our home / our loves faults and all.


----------



## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Wiltshireman said:


> Why can’t we just be honest and love each other / our home / our loves faults and all.


Because you are different people with different needs. Perhaps she is more insecure than you and needs reassurance? Perhaps she feels that nothing she does is good enough if you are nit-picking the little details? Giving a positive repsonse to a question does not mean you have to be dishonest. You are the one who chooses how you interpet the questions. A simple, "The stew was great," is just as honest and answer as "The dumplings were dry," but offers encouragement instead of criticism.

Your mind does not work that way, apparently. You don't want things to be sugar-coated and would prefer that people ditch the diplomacy and give it to you straight, warts and all. Nothing wrong with this, but it doesn't seem to be what your wife and daughters need. A sure path to ruin is to give people what you need and not what they need.


----------



## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

zookeeper said:


> Are you giving her the information she needs or are you criticizing her? My father was famous for this. It wasn't always what he said but the way he said it. *By the time I was in my early teens, I simply stopped asking him for help or advice. *
> 
> Give it some thought.



I do try and give people the information they need and I hope I do not criticize them when none is due but I can see that this is something I need to work harder at. 

I would *HATE IT* if my children did not feel able to come to me for help or advice. Thanks for the incite.


----------



## JJG (Mar 9, 2011)

Wiltshireman said:


> With my sons or male friends it is unusual for them to take umbrage at constructive criticism.
> “good movement but keep your guard up” , “ you have got all the answers right but it looks better if you show your working”, “if you update the sales predictions before you do the ordering you will be less likely to have a shortfall”


The examples you give above are what i would call (as you do) constructive criticism. However, the examples you give toward your female family members sound like pure criticism.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

In one of my marriage books it said write down every one of my husbands faults on one side of a sheet of paper. On the other side write down every one of his good qualities.

Then she says practice seeing only his 'good side'. Doesn't mean that his flaws don't exist it means choose to see only the good in him.

I do this now with my kids, my close friends, everyone. 

You do realize that we are all doing the best we can given our circumstances. Learn to appreciate the good and you will be so much happier.


----------



## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

zookeeper said:


> Your mind does not work that way, apparently. You don't want things to be sugar-coated and would prefer that people ditch the diplomacy and give it to you straight, warts and all. Nothing wrong with this, but it doesn't seem to be what your wife and daughters need. A sure path to ruin is to give people what you need and not what they need.


Again thanks for the great advice. You are so right about the "warts and all" part of my personality. I guess there is always ways I can learn to be a better husband / father / person, for me at least the journey continues.


----------



## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> Your communication just needs some tweaking. In this sentence the word BUT negates everything positive you said.
> 
> Practice giving praise and then stop talking.
> 
> ...


This is right on. The "But" is what killed you. 

Try "and" or just separate sentences, interspersed with the things that went right. Basically you can focus on what can be done to make things better, rather than focusing on what has gone wrong. 

For example, with your 17 y/o D and the brakes: "You have very fast reactions, faster than the car can take. Let's try slowly starting the brakes a few seconds earlier- this way your brakes will last longer and it will be help the car work optimally."

For the clutch: "This is tricky, but once you get it will become 2nd nature. OK ready? More gas/more clutch, good, too much gas, hang in there" etc.

This is a management technique. In my field I work almost entirely with women, so it works quite well. I let someone know what I want, and the phrases "You are wrong" or "This is wrong" are not spoken.

For the math- is this a test that can be re-taken? I am going cold since I don't know your daughter, but I might approach it like "Hey, great job on the English! English is really your strength. We all have strengths and weaknesses. Do you want to do some extra work and strengthen your math skills? We can look up some games or exercises on-line if you are up for it. I know it can be hard but you are very smart, I bet you can score higher next time if you work it."

I think it is awesome that you are looking online for this. It is perceptive of you to notice that your current type of communication isn't working, and I think it shows a lot of caring for you to reach out to get some feedback.

As suggested earlier it seems you just need some tweaking on your communication method.


----------



## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Wiltshireman said:


> Again thanks for the great advice. You are so right about the "warts and all" part of my personality. *I guess there is always ways I can learn to be a better husband / father / person, for me at least the journey continues.*


This attitude is the key to all self-improvement. Good for you and better for your family. You can do this.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Wiltshireman said:


> Again thanks for the great advice. You are so right about the "warts and all" part of my personality. I guess there is always ways I can learn to be a better husband / father / person, for me at least the journey continues.


You have a good attitude here.. I can be a little "in your face" if I get upset... Not so much the little things... I am not too bad.. careful of my mouth....

BUT... 

For instance...Last night talking to my oldest College bound son... who is very responsible with his $$.... to the point of paying his rent 6 months ahead of time and putting himself in the position of gathering the rent from 4 other roommates - as the LandLord only wants to deal with ONE PERSON...and it's him.... so it is ON HIM to make sure these 4 others pay on time.... 

He's got one guy who is 4 months behind, wastes his $$ left & right... idiot basically... another is 3 months behind..and the 2 others didn't pay this month yet ... I was getting very critical on my son last night telling him he is TOO EASY on these roommates (swearing about it in fact)... and they are talking advantage of him...mercilessly. 

I was getting carried away, I was really angry, feeling if they get evicted when he paid 6 months ahead of time ... I just wanted to freaking SCREAM....... the unfairness of this.... here he stopped and told me - if he was anyone else, he would have walked out the door and stopped listening to me.. .WOW.. did he put me in my place!! .. And he said it really calm... and yeah...I deserved it...I didn't need to get so critical like that... (I'm not perfect) 

I tend to be a little pessimistic, feeling he is going to get screwed... he went home and 2 of the guys had $1009 for him - (rent due in 2 days).. still a couple others are behind ...but they won't be evicted this month anyway...... So I told him I was thrilled to hear that, that I was proven WRONG... Love it....and he can assure them his mother won't come over with a club to beat them all up now. Jokingly. 

Many of us have to work in this -- in our frustrating moments !


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I was married to a man who was very focused on giving people the full, honest, unvarnished truth. All the time. About everything. There were very few compliments that weren't negated with criticism in the same breath. 

_I love your new dress, but your shoes don't quite work with it. 

The chicken was good, but the sauce needed more lemon.

Thanks for making home-made cookies for my office. It would have been better, though, if you'd made double chocolate instead of plain chocolate chip.

Thanks for picking up Mom's birthday gift, but why did you choose gold wrapping paper? Ivory would have been better. _​
Over time, I eventually felt that absolutely nothing I did was ever going to be quite right. Nothing was good enough. Because nothing I did was appreciated. Well, when asked, he did appreciate it, but just would have appreciated it_ more _if I'd gotten it "right". He loved me and he wanted me to get things right, to be better, to do better. That sounds well-intentioned doesn't it? He certainly never consciously meant to be negative or nit-picky. He just wanted me to be better. And wanted to be honest with me about where I was falling short. And he definitely did not understand that two people may feel differently about something without one of them being wrong. He just thought that everyone "should" feel the way he did about things, need the same things he needed, and be as interested in "improving" as he was in seeing them "improve." 

But from my perspective, the person I loved most in the world was always giving me information about how to stop being not good enough, wrong, and/or sub-par. Someone who loved me was constantly giving me feedback that I was defective in a thousand little ways. It was easy to feel that if he loved me and was just trying to help, then I must be as inept and defective as he obviously thought me to be. It was pretty much an extended exercise in gradual chipping a way of self-esteem. 

My suggestion? Stop offering criticism in the guise of "just trying to be helpful". Offer praise without the criticism. And don't forget to recognize and verbally appreciate sincere effort - even if it falls short of your high standards. You can recognize faults in others without having to point them out.


----------



## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

Both of my parents are hypercritical. No matter what I was doing they always had "advice" for how I could have done it better. I learned very early in life to build a wall between us to protect myself. I never talk to them about anything that truly is important to me. They are so critical of everything it is exhausting and depressing talking to them, even when it is not me they are talking about.


----------



## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

SoccerAmerica - Girls vs. Boys: Should coaches communicate differently?

^^this explains very well (It's about coaching soccer but I think you would benefit from the tips that the coaches have learned and share)


----------



## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

Thank you all for your advice and I will try and take it onboard.

I was impressed by the “sandwich method” in the article that "Blonde" provided the link to I will be using that for sure.


----------

