# What's the best way to confront?



## dre43 (Feb 25, 2013)

I have only partially confronted because I don't want to show my hand completely yet. I have confronted about phone calls and texts because I have access to the phone records. I've been told that the behavior would stop. However, I've been monitoring emails and chats for almost 2 months now... needless to say the activity has only escalated. I only have access through his phone. I don't want to give away how I've got my information because once I do, I will lose all access. Any suggestions or verbage I can use?


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Ultimately the best way to confront would be with divorce papers.

He promised to end it, and now more? He is does not believe you will do anything, or he doesn't care.

So sorry you are here.

You need to use the D papers to get his attention.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Lovemytruck said:


> Ultimately the best way to confront would be with divorce papers.
> 
> He promised to end it, and now more? He is does not believe you will do anything, or he doesn't care.
> 
> ...


Absolutely:

"I gave you a warning and a second chance. Instead you took advantage of my good nature and my love to continue to deceive me. I won't stand for it another day."

When he denies (deny, deny, deny) tell him to prove it. Ask him to give you the phone. Ask for his password, and his password to the email acct. Don't let him "show" them to you - he'll delete. 

Is the OW married?


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## dre43 (Feb 25, 2013)

First off, we are not married. We have been together for 6½ years but have talked about getting married. So, it will be easy to just walk away when I decide is enough. Unfortunately, we do have a 2½ year old daughter together. That's why I haven't just told him to get out yet. And once I do, his whole world will fall apart. He has nothing... no car, no place to go... absolutely nothing. Everything is in my name. And financially, he's a mess. He contributes very little to the household and makes more money than me. I pretty much support all of us. I know I am better off without him. He has no respect for me or our relationship. I have given him way more chances than any one person deserves. I'm tired of being taken advantage of. 

This infidelity would be easier to deal with if it was with an ordinary kind of affair. But, he has been contacting transsexual escorts. He keeps making contact, but never actually gets to the point of meeting with anyone. Although, I know (at least through his emails) that he has met with one in the past. I just don't know when exactly. Either way, I'm not OK with it. It's cheating any way you look at it. I'm just trying to find my strength to make the final confrontation. Because once I do, that will be it. Thanks for listening. Any and all words of encouragement are appreciated.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

dre43 said:


> First off, we are not married. We have been together for 6½ years but have talked about getting married. So, it will be easy to just walk away when I decide is enough. Unfortunately, we do have a 2½ year old daughter together. That's why I haven't just told him to get out yet. And once I do, his whole world will fall apart. He has nothing... no car, no place to go... absolutely nothing. Everything is in my name. And financially, he's a mess. He contributes very little to the household and makes more money than me. I pretty much support all of us. I know I am better off without him. He has no respect for me or our relationship. I have given him way more chances than any one person deserves. I'm tired of being taken advantage of.
> 
> This infidelity would be easier to deal with if it was with an ordinary kind of affair. But, he has been contacting transsexual escorts. He keeps making contact, but never actually gets to the point of meeting with anyone. Although, I know (at least through his emails) that he has met with one in the past. I just don't know when exactly. Either way, I'm not OK with it. It's cheating any way you look at it. I'm just trying to find my strength to make the final confrontation. Because once I do, that will be it. Thanks for listening. Any and all words of encouragement are appreciated.


What a prize! Booby prize. 

par·a·site 
/ˈparəˌsīt/
Noun
An organism that lives in or on another organism (its host) and benefits by deriving nutrients at the host's expense.
derogatory. A person who habitually relies on or exploits others and gives nothing in return.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

dre43,

Where is the sign-up sheet for women like you? 

You are far too nice for your own good. I can't imagine putting up with what you are experiencing.

It sounds like you need to evaluate what you are getting out of this deal.

Unless there is something cRaZy bad about you, you certainly can find a better man.

Take some time to think. Read about all of the related posts here on TAM, find a support system, and set your expectations a little higher.

Bless your giving heart!


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## Leasel (Mar 30, 2013)

I just wanted to add something to what everyone else is saying: in one of your posts it sounds like you're worried about what will happen to him if you chuck him out, and "his whole world falling apart" might keep you from dumping him. He is an adult, and he needs to be able to take care of himself, without leaning on you or anyone else every step of the way. If you chuck him out, he's not your problem, and don't let him try to lean on you further, it will only make things worse for you.


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## dre43 (Feb 25, 2013)

Lovemytruck said:


> dre43,
> 
> Where is the sign-up sheet for women like you?
> 
> ...


I agree... I am way too nice. I know I don't deserve any of this. If I had a girlfriend going through everything I've been dealing with lately, I would have told her to throw his butt out. I'm just finding it hard to take my own advice. I am pretty normal... relatively speaking. LOL I think part of me is in denial. I don't want to believe that he is really doing this, even though I see it with my own eyes. I don't understand how or why he is doing this. He tells me all the time that he is lucky to have me. Yeah... I know... because he thinks he's getting away with something. And, at the moment.... he is. Because until I confront him, it will continue. I also know that even once I confront, any trust I have is gone. Unless he's willing to stop the behavior, we will never be able to get past this. I thought that with what I did tell him I knew, that he would try to stop. But, I know I was wrong. It has only escalated. And the thing is... I am very available to him and it doesn't seem to matter. I know I'm not the problem. The problem is with him.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

dre43 said:


> This infidelity would be easier to deal with if it was with an ordinary kind of affair. But, *he has been contacting transsexual escorts.* He keeps making contact, but never actually gets to the point of meeting with anyone. Although, I know (at least through his emails) that he has met with one in the past. I just don't know when exactly. Either way, I'm not OK with it. It's cheating any way you look at it. Any and all words of encouragement are appreciated.


Would this be considered some type of fetish? Is a desire for this type of thing something that he will be able to stay away from? This seems like one of those things that is deep-rooted, the desire for which always will be in the background, with a constant inner battle to keep from engaging in. Maybe do some research on the desire for this particular type of sex and see what's involved in refraining from acting on it.


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## dre43 (Feb 25, 2013)

Will_Kane said:


> Would this be considered some type of fetish? Is a desire for this type of thing something that he will be able to stay away from? This seems like one of those things that is deep-rooted, the desire for which always will be in the background, with a constant inner battle to keep from engaging in. Maybe do some research on the desire for this particular type of sex and see what's involved in refraining from acting on it.


I believe it is a fetish. He has referred to it as such in one of his emails. I have done some research of it online. But only about the attraction... not how to refrain. I have found some interesting information on it though. In my opinion, having a fetish is one thing... acting on it is another. I know (at least I'm 99.9% sure) he has experienced some things but wants to do more. I feel guilty invading his privacy. But, I feel it's warranted at this point. At least that's my justification.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

dre43 said:


> I believe it is a fetish. He has referred to it as such in one of his emails. I have done some research of it online. But only about the attraction... not how to refrain. I have found some interesting information on it though. In my opinion, having a fetish is one thing... acting on it is another. I know (at least I'm 99.9% sure) he has experienced some things but wants to do more. I feel guilty invading his privacy. But, I feel it's warranted at this point. At least that's my justification.


I really meant to say maybe it's more than a fetish. It's more like he likes a certain type of sex that is somewhat of a contradiction to heterosexual sex. Kind of like bisexual tendencies.

About 30 years ago, I worked with a couple of guys, who at the time were in their 50s, they are now in their 80s. They got married in their late 20s, had kids, raised families, and in their mid 50s left their wives because they were gay - always had been, it was just too socially unacceptable 60 years ago when they were in their 20s. They have been solely in gay relationships since they left their wives 30 years ago. I have no idea how those guys faked being straight all those years - I assume they hooked up with other guys and their wives either didn't know or overlooked. If you stay with your guy, I wonder if you will be in the same boat.

I don't know if it (attraction to transsexuals) is something that can be repressed. It seems like it is a pretty strong urge for your guy.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

I guess what I also meant to say was, that this is not a normal affair situation, I look at it that he is having problems with his sexual identity, his sexual preferences, he is fighting deep urges that he may be genetically pre-disposed to. It's not quite the same as being selfish or weak of character, and the methods for dealing with the infidelity likely will not be the same.

I think you two should seek some type of counseling that specializes in the transsexual aspect.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

How does he explain what he is doing?

I confess that I would feel some compassion for a man who felt compelled to do this. Nonetheless, it's no way for either of you to live. It sounds like a serious issue with his sexuality.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

At least you aren't married. I would have his things on the porch and file for child support ASAP.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> I really meant to say maybe it's more than a fetish. It's more like he likes a certain type of sex that is somewhat of a contradiction to heterosexual sex. Kind of like bisexual tendencies.
> 
> *About 30 years ago, I worked with a couple of guys, who at the time were in their 50s, they are now in their 80s. They got married in their late 20s, had kids, raised families, and in their mid 50s left their wives because they were gay - always had been, it was just too socially unacceptable 60 years ago when they were in their 20s. They have been solely in gay relationships since they left their wives 30 years ago. I have no idea how those guys faked being straight all those years - I assume they hooked up with other guys and their wives either didn't know or overlooked. If you stay with your guy, I wonder if you will be in the same boat.*
> 
> I don't know if it (attraction to transsexuals) is something that can be repressed. It seems like it is a pretty strong urge for your guy.


This made me think of a friend of mine from high school. He was a good friend and part of our gang but there was something about him that made me uncomfortable. Always touching and always invading your personal space. I've known him since middle school and he was always like that. This guy is a mystery to me. He has participated in porn movies, regularly goes to sex parties, etc. He is primarily interested in women but goes both ways and is completely transparent about it. He doesn't identify as gay because he isn't attracted to men like he is to women but he does enjoy the sex act. He's now married and his wife also participates in this lifestyle. I went to their wedding. How they stay married is beyond me but they've been married for years now. They own a gym together so maybe it's financial but I also know a lot of their hookups come through there.

I also have a brother who is gay and he is not attracted to women at all. Zero.

I do agree that counseling is a good idea. Someone who has experience with this sort of thing.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

dre43 said:


> I believe it is a fetish. He has referred to it as such in one of his emails. I have done some research of it online. But only about the attraction... not how to refrain. I have found some interesting information on it though. In my opinion, having a fetish is one thing... acting on it is another. I know (at least I'm 99.9% sure) he has experienced some things but wants to do more. *I feel guilty invading his privacy.* But, I feel it's warranted at this point. At least that's my justification.


I would not feel guilty about invading his privacy at all. You have to protect yourself, and this affects you just as much as it affects him.

It's one thing to have these deep-seated desires that denying would be like denying your own identity, it is another thing to lie to you about what is going on. He absolutely should own up to what he is doing, not telling you he won't do it anymore and then just continuing to do it anyway. He deserves NO SYMPATHY for the lies he's telling you.

This problem, like most in a relationship, should be confronted head on. Tell him you KNOW he has been up to something, don't tell him how, just tell him you KNOW, and let him know that you want to seek counseling for it.


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## carpenoctem (Jul 4, 2012)

Lady:

Unless you view him as some kind of a humanitarian / socio-psychological redemption project that you would like to keep investing your time, energy and money in, please do the logical thing.

By all means, respect him as an individual, and don’t compromise your integrity. But *do get a little angry, and be fair to yourself. *And to your daughter.

You sound like an exceptional catch. Get with someone who values and reciprocates it more, and contributes more to your life together – emotionally, sexually AND financially.

*You are the kind of women that men look all around for, and rarely find. Glad to have made your acquaintance.*


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## dre43 (Feb 25, 2013)

[B]carpenoctem[/B] said:


> Lady:
> 
> Unless you view him as some kind of a humanitarian / socio-psychological redemption project that you would like to keep investing your time, energy and money in, please do the logical thing.
> 
> ...



I appreciate all the kind words. I am not perfect and have my own issues, but feel I am open-minded. I have stood by him through some tough times. I guess that's part of the reason why I haven't just packed his things. I am a lot stronger than he is though. Although, it would be nice to have someone take care of me for a change. He suffers from depression, anxiety and panic attacks. I was hoping with the initial confrontation that it would have got him talking about it. But, it didn't. I guess I can understand why he would not want to. His only explanation to me for contacting escorts was that he's sick. He does see a counselor but I would probably bet that this issue does not come up. I would go to counseling with him if that would help. Heck, I may just go to IC for myself. It wouldn't hurt.


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## Kaberle (Apr 6, 2013)

It does sound like there is a problem there. How much do you think the depression and anxiety plays a part in the behavior? I don't know the whole situation that you are both dealing with but do you think there is a chance that what he is doing is a result of his problems. Has he gotten help? What kind of help has he looked for besides going to counseling? You obviously sound like a very caring and understanding person but why have you put up with all of it so long? Do you think he can change and stop contacting these people? Would you stay with him if he proves that he has stopped contacting those people? I don't want to sound like I'm ok with what he is doing because I'm not, but you have been together for a long time and you do have a child together so there are very good reasons to stay together. How do you know he has met one of them? Once again, I am not condoning the behavior but if he is sick then he may need your help more than he needs you to leave and abandon him.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The best way to confront is to step out side the situation and address it a business proposal and that you have to confidence to leave nothing on the table, no negotiations, you have your proposal and they except it or now.

Its not about pointing fingers or listening to excuses. You have the full knowledge of your opponents capabilities and it not a matter of trying to justify or validate or disprove your own statement.

the fact of the matter is this is your proposal and it will be up to your old man to face it and except it or not....cuz in the end what you are telling him is Truth and his counter proposal means nothing since you are so damn confident that there is in fact no room for negotiations.

So in short it all about how you present your self with confidence, and your conviction. Waywards can smell weakness, so don't have any when you confront! Unless your trying to negotiate with him?


See it this attitude that you show.. your perception, your strength in your self that show him and other that are in fact in the know and the information you have is accurate and does not need to be validated. Lets face it he know the truth, you just face to make him believe you know the truth and will no longer tolerate it.


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## dre43 (Feb 25, 2013)

Kaberle, I have wondered whether the depression and other problems are related at all. Part of me thinks they may be. I have stood by him this long because I do love him, we share a child together and I am the only stable thing in his life right now. He is a good father. He knows he has to make some serious changes, if we are going to work. I have no problem staying with him, if he would stop all the questionable behavior. We are very compatible otherwise. Yes, I do feel sorry for him. Not a good reason to stay together... but I know he has a problem. He does currently see a counselor and is prescribed various medications to help with all the depression and anxiety. I don't think they are working because he continues have issues at work as well as his personal life.

You asked how I know that he has actually met anyone. I don't know for sure... but he has mentioned in a few emails to people that he has contacted that he has met previously. But, I'm pretty sure it hasn't happened in the couple months that we've been trying to fix our relationship. I know he is struggling and I do want to be there for him.

I know that by me saying some of this, that it will make some people a little angry with how I'm dealing with this. Many people will think I'm stupid for staying and letting him do this to me. It has taken a toll on me emotionally and it will take me a long time to trust him again. He wants to make a change though. He has even told me that. I think he's starting to realize he needs to, if he wants to keep me. Something changed yesterday in him. We shall see if he makes good on the promises he's making.


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## Kaberle (Apr 6, 2013)

What do you mean something changed in him yesterday? I think it's good that he is getting other help, sometimes it takes a long time to get the medication right or for it to help. It doesn't make me mad that you are standing by him, I am sure it is taking a toll on you emotionally. Maybe together you will be able to fix whatever is wrong with him and once that's fixed you will find that your relationship is stronger and more solid than ever before. I know what it's like to deal with the issues like he has, there is help and there is a way out for him. It sounds like the best thing for both of you is to possibly attend the counseling together, if he is serious about changing and stopping this behavior then he should have no problem with you going with him.


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