# Why can't we be your first priority?



## LPNmommy (Apr 19, 2014)

My husband and I have been together for 4 years. We have a 2 year old together, he has a 6 year old from a previous marriage that I help raise, and we are expecting again!! I love my husband very much , but I often feel like I am living this marriage for the both of us,. He works 12-16 hours 5 days a week so I know he is indeed tired. I also work 5-6 days a week as a nurse on my feet all night (on midnights) pregnant and after taking care of the babies all day. The issue is my husband any free time he has he seems to spend with his friends or anyone but us! He is currently spending thousands of dollars on a racecar that we were saving for to buy our first home. He spends the time when he wakes up on the weekends till after me and the kids go to sleep on that car. If he isn't working on that he is out fishing,hunting, anything he can. He doesn't understand that on his day off and while I'm off I miss him and want to spend time as a family! He states "it's my only days off I deserve me time." He is completey oblivious to how it hurts me to always be last priority as well as my kids. If I comfront him with my feelings he gets angry and leaves for even longer. He gets angry when I am tired when he gets home from working and expecting. I'm tired of being his doormat to come in and out of. He used to be so strong in the church with us and now he hardly ever makes time. I can't even talk to my husband. I couldn't tell you the last time he kissed me or hugged me. I want to build our marriage up but I can't do it alone and he refuses to compromise ! Advice would be greatly appreciated !
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Congratulations on your new little one! I'm sorry you're going through this and I know how you feel. I fought my H for years to get him to stay home. I haven't come to any resolution myself, though. Before having my baby I gave up trying to be with him and I moved on and did other things. We hardly saw each other but I coped with it. But when you have a baby you need your spouses help. So I've had to hound him, which is unpleasant for everyone. I did eventually "get my way" but it doesn't make me feel any better since I feel like I had to force him to be here. And he resents me for being home, for not feeling as good as he would feel had he been doing what he wants to be doing, so we just fight when he's home. It really feels like a lose-lose situation. I'm hopefully that as my little one gets older I won't need his help as much and can let him go and do whatever he wants. Fighting someone to be with you doesn't feel any better than being without them, IMO. Facing the reality that they don't really want to be around you is tough, heartbreaking, but if you do just accept their actions without resistance you can deal with the grief and heartbreak and move on.


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

Why does anyone have to work 12 - 16 hours a day?

I am just asking because this is exhausting. 

Anyways you need to tell your husband pretty much what you have said here. You should add that you see the relationship ending soon if he cannot realize that your needs and desires are just as important as his. 

And really? A race car? What a f - ing waste of time and money just so he can put his well being at risk.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Give him more BJs. He'll be home all the time.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You can shift the responsibility for the 6 yr old back to where it belongs - him. Take your child and go somewhere on his days off. Care for your child and let him take care of himself such as cooking, laundry etc.

He needs to see how little he is contributing to the household. Until he starts acting like he is part of the family don't treat him as though he is. Forget the BJs. He doesn't deserve any.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Start off with some compliments and look nice. Then you have to discuss this. He is married, I think he's wrong and you too should be spending more time together.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I used to think the same thing. But, I found when my husband doted on me, I had the inner urge to push him away. So, I realize his hobbies and passions are part of the thing that makes him interesting and attractive.

Be certain to strike a balance.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

magnoliagal said:


> I used to think the same thing. But, I found when my husband doted on me, I had the inner urge to push him away. So, I realize his hobbies and passions are part of the thing that makes him interesting and attractive.
> 
> Be certain to strike a balance.


The key to life balance

55


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

just got it 55 said:


> The key to life balance
> 
> 55


But, let it be said... when he comes home from work, I quite often have on a dress, am wearing make-up and heels. No, it's not "June Cleaver", but I want him to WANT to be home.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

magnoliagal said:


> But, let it be said... when he comes home from work, I quite often have on a dress, am wearing make-up and heels. No, it's not "June Cleaver", but I want him to WANT to be home.


As long as that meets your balance 

But I find it hard to balance on heels

55


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

So, Magnoliagal, did you dress up in heels while pregnant, caring for two children all day and working all night? Or were you a SAHM?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Can you at least get him to make a date night to commit some couple time to you every week? That might be easier than trying to get him to give up hobbies. Is there any way you can switch so you are on the same schedule? I realize your schedule probably means no daycare and more money but wasn't sure if this was feasible. It make family time and couple time easier.

I know you want him to WANT to - I had a friend who came very close to an affair because he was always at the ball park or the bar with his buddies until he realized it was really about family. Now he has a hobby he does one day a week for a few hours but the rest of the time is at home.

That is a bit drastic but my point is, it took him coming close to losing everything before he changed his priorities. What was the reason for his first divorce? Was he looking for a mother to his daughter vs. a wife?

Is he YOUR first priority? Kids often are... but that doesn't mean his lack of attention is your fault - just trying to see both sides.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I agree with those that talk about balance. Life is about balance. I agree he needs time to himself to pursue hobbies but he also needs to dedicate time to working on his relationship with you. 

I think the two of you need to take a look at why he is working 12-16 hours a day. That doesn't leave a whole lot of time for hobbies or family. If it's because you need the money maybe you can look at cutting costs somewhere at home. If it's because he's a workaholic he needs to realize it's jeopardizing his life with you.


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## Dredd (Apr 16, 2014)

Ok, a situation I heard before is the mother will "lump in" the kids with her. Otherwise said, they come with you (the mother), so he can't spend time with you without them following close behind. And as you probably know, kids are huge drain.

I sense in your post that you may think he doesn't do enough to help with the kids, etc. So a possibility is that he avoids you because you try to give him more work to do.

Now, I'm not taking his side, just trying to give you another point of view. You could try disconnecting from the kids, and try to make the time spent between the two of you a positive experience for you both. It sounds like he's trying to find a little peace, somewhere he isn't hounded or poked for help. You could try being that escape.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

All too familiar....husband was military, gone alot and when he was home he was tuned into his own world of interests but was not one to help with the kids or household or seem to find it important to spend time with me and his family. It was my grip for many many years and all the talking in the world never changed a thing. We went to lots of counseling, no help again.

I was raising his two sons, husband had full custody. One thing I wish I would ahve done looking back now to a very young wife (me) who was willing to bend over backwards for the love of my husband, was I wish I would have removed myself from the responsibility of his sons. I did try and try to involve him but I always ended up the one to take on the responsibility for them and I wish I had not. My advise with the 6 year old is to let the bio parents take care of this child, you do not need to help raise this child. your hands are going to get very full once the new lil one arrives.

Your relationship in not on a mutual footing and somehow your husband needs to understand this. I would suggest trying marriage counseling.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

My wife IS my first priority, sometimes to a fault. I am probably out of balance the other direction. Maybe it is because one of my love languages is "quality time" but I have never done much apart from my wife. For instance, I enjoy golf, but I never really got into it because it would take most of my day away from her. I cherish my days off because we can spend the entire day together. Come Monday, I am thinking of the weekend and spending time together. It really doesn't matter what we are doing: working around the house, taking a drive, clothes shopping for her, antiquing, we enjoy it all.

I will admit that my wife does not have the same love language and sometimes she has even felt "smothered." However, she knows that she is my #1 priority and she enjoys our times spent together as much as I do.

I wish that I could tell you that I used to be like your husband and this is what I did to change. I am afraid I can't so I am not sure I can be much help. I wish you could level with him and he would listen. I wish he would reward a book like "The Five Love Languages" with you. Sadly, often this scenario ends with the wife having an affair.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

My wife was always my first priority, but eventually she become complacent with reciprocation, so she isn't anymore


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Starstarfish said:


> So, Magnoliagal, did you dress up in heels while pregnant, caring for two children all day and working all night? Or were you a SAHM?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What's the point of this question?

We have 3 kids.

I was pregnant 27 months of our 23 year marriage.

I also worked full time for roughly 8-9 years.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> What's the point of this question?
> 
> We have 3 kids.
> 
> ...


Point was this:



> But, let it be said... when he comes home from work, I quite often have on a dress, am wearing make-up and heels.


Can't be home waiting in a dress, make-up and heels if you yourself are elsewhere at work.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

LPNmommy said:


> My husband and I have been together for 4 years. We have a 2 year old together, he has a 6 year old from a previous marriage that I help raise, and we are expecting again!! I love my husband very much , but I often feel like I am living this marriage for the both of us,. He works 12-16 hours 5 days a week so I know he is indeed tired. I also work 5-6 days a week as a nurse on my feet all night (on midnights) pregnant and after taking care of the babies all day. The issue is my husband any free time he has he seems to spend with his friends or anyone but us! He is currently spending thousands of dollars on a racecar that we were saving for to buy our first home. He spends the time when he wakes up on the weekends till after me and the kids go to sleep on that car. If he isn't working on that he is out fishing,hunting, anything he can. He doesn't understand that on his day off and while I'm off I miss him and want to spend time as a family! He states "it's my only days off I deserve me time." He is completey oblivious to how it hurts me to always be last priority as well as my kids. If I comfront him with my feelings he gets angry and leaves for even longer. He gets angry when I am tired when he gets home from working and expecting. I'm tired of being his doormat to come in and out of. He used to be so strong in the church with us and now he hardly ever makes time. I can't even talk to my husband. I couldn't tell you the last time he kissed me or hugged me. I want to build our marriage up but I can't do it alone and he refuses to compromise ! Advice would be greatly appreciated !
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



HUGS

I have been there and as such, I really feel your pain. I don't know the answer right off but I feel for you more than you know.


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## delirium (Apr 23, 2012)

He sounds burnt out. I would try not to take it personally, when your kids get older it will be easier and you will hopefully have more time to spend with each other. It's hard when there are babies/toddlers in the house. 

12-16 hour days would be difficult. Is it possible that he is introverted and requires a lot of 'me time' to recharge? My husband and I are both this way. Do you give him some time to himself when he gets home from work? You probably need some time to yourself as well, maybe you both could come up with specific times to give each other breaks. 

Do you ever have time together just the two of you? Could you arrange a family member to watch the kids so you could go out for a relaxing evening?


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