# I don’t feel like I can be myself.



## Cstone (May 14, 2021)

For many years now my husband and I have had this constant argument hanging over our heads. And any time we have it, it ends up always being my fault. 
I either said something offensive or just said something that turns him off completely. 
I am a sarcastic person, I have been pretty much my whole life. But I can’t say anything in a sarcastic manner or in a joke form or else he will get upset. Joking and so on is my form of flirting. So I don’t even get to flirt with my husband the way I know how. 
This morning we were beginning some foreplay and he said “yeah, that’s better”when I did something he liked, so I said “well just hold on, I’m working up to it”. He completely shut down. I tried to explain what I was trying to do and then we both shut down. 
So now I am internalizing it all to be my fault again. The whole morning he just hasn’t seemed to give a **** about me and the depression I’ve been put into because of the recent arguments. 
I feel like every time I open my mouth, I ruin it all.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Sounds like a basic personality clash and I don’t see how that can be fixed. I am a lot like you and I wouldn’t be able to not be true to myself for very long. How depressing. 


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

"Joking" about another person isn't flirting. I dated a guy who also "joked" about me a lot. When I told him how hurtful it was, he also complained, boo hoo, that he couldn't "be himself". 

I'm not in a relationship with him anymore.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Livvie said:


> "Joking" about another person isn't flirting. I dated a guy who also "joked" about me a lot. When I told him how hurtful it was, he also complained, boo hoo, that he couldn't "be himself".
> 
> I'm not in a relationship with him anymore.


It isn’t flirting to you. Like it isn’t flirting to her H. Like I said...basic personality clash. 


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

We have similar personalities. We are annoying. Some people around us get their fill and can't take any more. You can be yourself without always having to make a smartass comment. It's not unlike having to learn not to pick your nose in public, if that's something you tend to do.

The next time you're in that situation, assuming it happens again, practice keeping your mouth shut (for talking). If you do speak, think to yourself, "what's the most positive thing I can say to make him feel appreciated?" It will feel fake, but if you love him, it will be real. If it has a positive effect, it will not be hard for you to continue along that path. If it fails, come up with Plan B.

In a marriage, we don't get to say, "I am who I am, and you can take it or leave it." It's necessary to compromise. My spouse and I have very different interests, and we accommodate each other in those activities. However, we have a lot of the same interests, and we enjoy those together.

Our sarcastic personalities don't even fit well here on TAM. Some posts that are intended to be tongue-in-cheek or just sarcastic fall flat. People reading them (with no sense of humor!) think we're being asses when that's not at all the intent.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

I have two somewhat opposing thoughts on this, so maybe (as with many things) it’s somewhere in the middle.

At first I was reminded of the old bill Cosby bit asking someone why they liked cocaine. “because it intensifies your personality.” I said, “yes, but what if you’re an asshole?” 

Maybe you’re overly abrasive/obnoxious and need to learn when and where to control it. You can still “be yourself“ and also tone down potentially offensive behavior.

Then my personality came out and started to suspect that perhaps your husband is an just an easily offended, whiny snowflake who needs to toughen up a bit.

chances are a workable solution (if there is one) is probably somewhere in the middle.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Sfort said:


> In a marriage, we don't get to say, "I am who I am, and you can take it or leave it."


Umm, yes. Yes, you do get to say that. I went into marriage a fully formed adult with my very own personality. This is who I am. If you don't like me the way I am I clearly got involved with the wrong person and it's time for us both to move on.

I'll tone it down and be proper for things like work events or family events with DH's side (they're older and very reserved), but I'll be damned if I have to put on "company manners" for my own spouse.

I'll compromise on where we eat or what exterior doors we order or when we have company over, but I'm not about to compromise on my speech or behavior in my own home.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

MJJEAN said:


> Umm, yes. Yes, you do get to say that. I went into marriage a fully formed adult with my very own personality. This is who I am. If you don't like me the way I am I clearly got involved with the wrong person and it's time for us both to move on.
> 
> I'll tone it down and be proper for things like work events or family events with DH's side (they're older and very reserved), but I'll be damned if I have to put on "company manners" for my own spouse.
> 
> I'll compromise on where we eat or what exterior doors we order or when we have company over, but I'm not about to compromise on my speech or behavior in my own home.


So, IF you were someone who was continually responding to your husband with biting criticism and negativity, for example, and it began to wear on him because he didn't like being spoken to like that all of the time, you would refuse to compromise on your behavior and speech?😮 Where does that leave room for a spouse to request the removal of behaviors that are harming the relationship? Or is it just: tough, deal with whatever I dish out?


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

MJJEAN said:


> Umm, yes. Yes, you do get to say that. I went into marriage a fully formed adult with my very own personality. This is who I am. If you don't like me the way I am I clearly got involved with the wrong person and it's time for us both to move on.
> 
> I'll tone it down and be proper for things like work events or family events with DH's side (they're older and very reserved), but I'll be damned if I have to put on "company manners" for my own spouse.
> 
> I'll compromise on where we eat or what exterior doors we order or when we have company over, but I'm not about to compromise on my speech or behavior in my own home.


You're one of the lucky few who found a spouse who was a perfect fit. Two humans rarely mesh like that. In fact, I've never known anyone who had such a perfect marriage, my own included, that they didn't have to compromise.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I assume you were that way when he married you. Maybe it’s the cumulative effect of that behavior? Those who aren’t sarcastic often find those who are to be very tiresome over time.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

MJJEAN said:


> Umm, yes. Yes, you do get to say that. I went into marriage a fully formed adult with my very own personality. This is who I am. If you don't like me the way I am I clearly got involved with the wrong person and it's time for us both to move on.
> 
> I'll tone it down and be proper for things like work events or family events with DH's side (they're older and very reserved), but I'll be damned if I have to put on "company manners" for my own spouse.
> 
> I'll compromise on where we eat or what exterior doors we order or when we have company over, but I'm not about to compromise on my speech or behavior in my own home.


Ditto!


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## K3itty (May 12, 2021)

Well, if it's a bad habit and it bothers your spouse over so many years, maybe it's worth changing out of it, even if it's what makes you "you."

For me, I take forever to get out the door. That's how I was raised. My parents didn't care if we would be late to literally anything. So I thought that was fine. My husband is the opposite. He arrives to everything early and see it as a way to show respect to people. For a long time, I didn't get it. But I made conscious effort to be better.

Same for how I like to clean certain things. With covid, I sprayed down everything with alcohol. Is it necessary, who knows? But it's finally bothering him. So I limit what I do, cus it was becoming too excessive.

I'm grateful my husband points out my flaws. I can trust him enough to know he's not saying things to hurt me, but are pointing things out that are annoying to the general population. Who else would know my flaws like he does? And then I can take this critical criticism and improve as a person.

Is sarcasm a good way to communication? Is it an ego boost for you? Is it speaking the truth? Does it hurt people's feelings? Why do you need to talk sarcastically?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Your husband has girlish sensitivity and needs to put his purse away. It’s not your fault.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Livvie said:


> So, IF you were someone who was continually responding to your husband with biting criticism and negativity, for example, and it began to wear on him because he didn't like being spoken to like that all of the time, you would refuse to compromise on your behavior and speech?😮 Where does that leave room for a spouse to request the removal of behaviors that are harming the relationship? Or is it just: tough, deal with whatever I dish out?


Yes, I would (and have) refused to compromise my behavior and speech. He is free to request removal of behaviors and I am free to say no. I refuse to censor myself or refrain from expressing my personality and views/opinions with the one person who is supposed to be the closest to me.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> Umm, yes. Yes, you do get to say that. I went into marriage a fully formed adult with my very own personality. This is who I am. If you don't like me the way I am I clearly got involved with the wrong person and it's time for us both to move on.
> 
> I'll tone it down and be proper for things like work events or family events with DH's side (they're older and very reserved), but I'll be damned if I have to put on "company manners" for my own spouse.
> 
> I'll compromise on where we eat or what exterior doors we order or when we have company over, but I'm not about to compromise on my speech or behavior in my own home.


Yup, I really couldn't agree more! Some people are extremely sensitive to everything, and maybe that's the way OP's spouse is, who knows. Mine was like that as well, I couldn't say the right words, \usually had the wrong tone, and would have a ticked off spouse who'd berate me for a couple of hours. You know what? I'm exactly the same way with my (also sensitive) BF, and he doesn't get offended. The opposite: he appreciates the fact that I'm up-front, don't hide things, and will speak up for what matters. Some men are just super sensitive and take everything the wrong way. 

@Cstone, I would say that in your situation, it's a case of mismatched personalities, and unfortunately, that can't be fixed without one person completely changing to suit the other. And, that's not really a recipe for a healthy relationship. Another person mentioned about making fun of your H; is this something that you do, or is it more just having a personality where you like to playfully banter? Making fun of another is just plain ole wrong, but harmless banter is, well, harmless.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Sfort said:


> You're one of the lucky few who found a spouse who was a perfect fit. Two humans rarely mesh like that. In fact, I've never known anyone who had such a perfect marriage, my own included, that they didn't have to compromise.


I am me and I like me just the way I am. If my romantic partner didn't like me just the way I am they weren't a romantic partner for long. I had a couple "close but no cigar" relationships where I loved the men involved, but they needed me to censor or alter a few things about myself and I realized I'd need them to make some changes, too. So I moved on and kept looking. Close only counts for throwing hand grenades and horseshoes. Found DH a few years later. I'm not a romantic and I've never believed love conquers all or "the one" (there's 8 _billion_ of us, people!) or any of that Disney claptrap. I've always had confidence in my ability to find another romantic partner. So I didn't see any reason to stay with someone that would want me to change or that I would want to change.

Does this mean I don't compromise at all? Of course not. We can negotiate finances, decorating decisions, schedule, menu, etc. But I refuse to compromise on how I speak and express myself.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Cstone said:


> I am a sarcastic person, I have been pretty much my whole life. But I can’t say anything in a sarcastic manner or in a joke form or else he will get upset.


Well if it were any consolation, your husband wouldn't last more than a half of a second with my wife. She loves making sarcastic comments at me during foreplay, but I dish them right back at her. She might equate my abilities as a lover to that of a drive through for a fast food restaurant, meaning that she show up whenever and that I am too easy and that I'll always to give her whatever she wants right away. She'll continue and compare herself to a gourmet restaurant the requires a reservation days in advance. I'll sarcastically reply to her that most high end restaurants fail and that you've actually got to hustle to keep it hot and ready. I'll continue and ask her if she has ever noticed a line of eager and very hungry customers wanting their $5 pizzas. I'll then continue to tell her if it were not for my ability to hustle in the bedroom that her restaurant would have had to file for bankruptcy long ago due to leaving people starving and canceling reservations. She'll continue that I am sadly mistaken that it only makes me want her more when I can't have it and that I'll pay anything. She will then shift and get me to agree to finish a major household project if I want her to continue to prove her point.

While that is fun when it works and we both know it is playful, you both have to have a lot of self confidence to pull that off and make it work. If you question yourself after a bad reaction, then perhaps you are the one not well suited for that type of banter. If my wife and I were playing sarcastically and she lost her mojo, without skipping a beat I'll get cheerful and say claim I now have a home-field advantage because I am very used to working with her angry at me!  

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## Cstone (May 14, 2021)

Ursula said:


> Yup, I really couldn't agree more! Some people are extremely sensitive to everything, and maybe that's the way OP's spouse is, who knows. Mine was like that as well, I couldn't say the right words, \usually had the wrong tone, and would have a ticked off spouse who'd berate me for a couple of hours. You know what? I'm exactly the same way with my (also sensitive) BF, and he doesn't get offended. The opposite: he appreciates the fact that I'm up-front, don't hide things, and will speak up for what matters. Some men are just super sensitive and take everything the wrong way.
> 
> @Cstone, I would say that in your situation, it's a case of mismatched personalities, and unfortunately, that can't be fixed without one person completely changing to suit the other. And, that's not really a recipe for a healthy relationship. Another person mentioned about making fun of your H; is this something that you do, or is it more just having a personality where you like to playfully banter? Making fun of another is just plain ole wrong, but harmless banter is, well, harmless.


Yes I mean it as 100% playful banter. 
for example
The other night we were watching Chevy Chase on a talk show, and his humor was great and made both of us laugh. After the show was over, I was in a playful mood and wanting to continue the comedy we were just watching. We were about to get into our hot tub and he pulled the steps over to it to get in. I, being the taller and longer legged one, made a joke saying “I don’t know why you would bring those over, I don’t need them...” implying his shorter legs. Definitely a subject I will never touch on again with how he reacted.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Cstone said:


> Yes I mean it as 100% playful banter.
> for example
> The other night we were watching Chevy Chase on a talk show, and his humor was great and made both of us laugh. After the show was over, I was in a playful mood and wanting to continue the comedy we were just watching. We were about to get into our hot tub and he pulled the steps over to it to get in. I, being the taller and longer legged one, made a joke saying “I don’t know why you would bring those over, I don’t need them...” implying his shorter legs. Definitely a subject I will never touch on again with how he reacted.


OK, for this, I can understand why he might be upset, as you were playing off of the fact that he's shorter than you, and it sounds a little like poking fun at his physical stature, which is something that I feel like a lot of shorter men are already a little self-conscious about. So, while it might sound funny in your head, saying something like that to someone else might hurt that person. My sister used to call me a vulgar nickname, and her and her H thought it was hilarious. It hurt me, I said so, and was told to suck it up, which I did for about a year and a half. An example of what they thought was really funny, really hurt me, and it did long-term damage to our relationship. While I do think that in some cases, your H might be being a little sensitive, in the instance you mention above, I feel like you're in the wrong here.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

We are all free to be who we are.

And, others are free to think (them) A-holes.

A good number of people have no interest in other peoples fair-minded opinions.
That is their right.

So sad for the rest of humanity.

Civilization suffers for such boorishness.


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## OddOne (Sep 27, 2018)

Ursula said:


> OK, for this, I can understand why he might be upset, as you were playing off of the fact that he's shorter than you, and it sounds a little like poking fun at his physical stature, which is something that I feel like a lot of shorter men are already a little self-conscious about. So, while it might sound funny in your head, saying something like that to someone else might hurt that person. My sister used to call me a vulgar nickname, and her and her H thought it was hilarious. It hurt me, I said so, and was told to suck it up, which I did for about a year and a half. An example of what they thought was really funny, really hurt me, and it did long-term damage to our relationship. While I do think that in some cases, your H might be being a little sensitive, in the instance you mention above, I feel like you're in the wrong here.


Essentially emasculating him. There's more than one way to make a man feel like he's less than a man. 

Big issue for me is not just what form the sarcasm takes, but how often it's done. I can appreciate wit, sarcasm, etc., but it can be done incessantly. I don't know how much OP is actually being sarcastic with her husband, but if it's a near daily occurrence, and multiple times a day at that, I can see why it would get annoying. Sometimes a person just wants a simple, helpful, or at least neutral response, and not "clever" retort or whatever. Some people always feel a need to perform. Get bored easily and want to liven up a room. I wonder if that's who OP is.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Cstone said:


> For many years now my husband and I have had this constant argument hanging over our heads. And any time we have it, it ends up always being my fault.
> I either said something offensive or just said something that turns him off completely.
> I am a sarcastic person, I have been pretty much my whole life. But I can’t say anything in a sarcastic manner or in a joke form or else he will get upset. Joking and so on is my form of flirting. So I don’t even get to flirt with my husband the way I know how.
> This morning we were beginning some foreplay and he said “yeah, that’s better”when I did something he liked, so I said “well just hold on, I’m working up to it”. He completely shut down. I tried to explain what I was trying to do and then we both shut down.
> ...


Ok, I guess I'm not good with sarcasm cause I don't understand why 
'just hold on, I'm working up to it' is sarcastic?

On the other hand the stair thing is more than sarcasm it is sarcasm at your spouses expense. 

I've always liked the saying treat your relationship like a bank. Make sure you make more deposits than withdraws so you have enough to last a lifetime.

I don't think it is too much to expect a partner not to put you down. 
You can be who you are all you want. Maybe you can't change, but you also can expect him to change how being constantly the butt of some joke makes him feel.

There are ways to be sarcastic without doing that at his expense. I am a sarcastic person, I also like to make 'smart' comments but I always limit the ones I direct at my spouse.

These kind of small tearing down comments build resentment over time and resentment ruins relationships. While it doesn't justify and affair it does open the door for one. Some woman comes along and thinks he's the greatest thing since sliced bread and isn't afraid to tell him all the ways he's great ..... Things happen.

What is his love language? Do you know his do you know yours? My husbands is physical touch and words of affirmation. I am not naturally a gusher but I've gotten so used to tell him my words of affirmation it now comes naturally when I speak to him. I still have trouble gushing over others even my child. But I'd encourage you to figure out what his needs are and work to meet those. 

You two should handle this like adults and instead of blaming each other and shutting down try actually talking to him. NOT at him. NOT you took it the wrong way. NOT You make me feel bad for being me.

How about I realized that sometime I cross a line. I think that I've done that enough that even when I don't mean things in a bad way you react like I did. I love you and don't want to hurt you. Then name 3 things you like about your spouse. 

I would like to be able to talk instead of handling things by not talking. Ask him if he'd take the 5 Love Languages test with you. Commit to strengthening your marriage and your communication. Right now this isn't a good form of communication.


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## Cstone (May 14, 2021)

OddOne said:


> Essentially emasculating him. There's more than one way to make a man feel like he's less than a man.
> 
> Big issue for me is not just what form the sarcasm takes, but how often it's done. I can appreciate wit, sarcasm, etc., but it can be done incessantly. I don't know how much OP is actually being sarcastic with her husband, but if it's a near daily occurrence, and multiple times a day at that, I can see why it would get annoying. Sometimes a person just wants a simple, helpful, or at least neutral response, and not "clever" retort or whatever. Some people always feel a need to perform. Get bored easily and want to liven up a room. I wonder if that's who OP is.


We’ve been together for 10 years, and around year 4/5 I stopped being sarcastic with him, stopped joking around. He took on a new job that he had to be more “professional” at, and his group of friends changed. He used to be able to dish it back at me. And I always welcomed the retort. He’s been climbing up the career ladder ever since then, with new positions and responsibilities. Less friends, less hanging out with others (not counting covid times). We have a 3 year old, which makes it even harder to have a social life. I miss social life. 
there are so many factors in the reasons why things are the way they are. But as of the last few months, he and I have been on opposite worlds. 
I do tell him many up-building things. I compliment his looks, I tell him I love him all the time. But I feel anything like that goes on deaf ears. It’s amazing how the positive things said suddenly disappear with one small thing taken the wrong way.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Cstone said:


> We’ve been together for 10 years, and around year 4/5 I stopped being sarcastic with him, stopped joking around. He took on a new job that he had to be more “professional” at, and his group of friends changed. He used to be able to dish it back at me. And I always welcomed the retort. He’s been climbing up the career ladder ever since then, with new positions and responsibilities. Less friends, less hanging out with others (not counting covid times). We have a 3 year old, which makes it even harder to have a social life. I miss social life.
> there are so many factors in the reasons why things are the way they are. But as of the last few months, he and I have been on opposite worlds.
> I do tell him many up-building things. I compliment his looks, I tell him I love him all the time. But I feel anything like that goes on deaf ears. It’s amazing how the positive things said suddenly disappear with one small thing taken the wrong way.


One of my favorite lines from the movie Pretty Woman

"The bad stuff is easier to believe"

Most people are already critical of themselves when a loved one says something mean or unintentionally cruel it sticks.
In addition it does negate out many of the good things we say.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I have a question, is he allowed to speak to you in this way? So is he allowed to make jokes at your expense, sarcastic remarks in bed etc?

We had this issue early in our marriage and it really wore me down. And it wasn’t my sensitivity at all, I felt that absolutely everything was passed as just a joke. So I had no idea if something was funny, serious, hurtful, fun or whatever. Because everything suddenly became, I was only joking, I wasn’t serious, why are you being so sensitive. (Btw this type of behaviour can also be put into the category of bullying, and a red flag for psychological abuse. fine line, right?)

I tried to let it go, but it felt like any intimacy was being rejected. He has feelings? I have feelings? Cue sudden biting remarks. He’s upset with me? Cue rude comments that are kind of funny - but he’s actually hurt by something I’ve done but won’t tell me because he’s rather punish me with these jokes at the worst times and I have no idea what’s happened or is happening.

I also noticed he didn’t like me doing the same to him. But I was told I was too sensitive, and I had to accept him for how he is. So I did.

But it did spill over into his life with everyone else and became a problem for him - a couple of times wives of his mates would speak up saying they’d had enough, ‘leave my husband alone or I’ll have something not so funny to say’! Or other explosive remarks. And then some of these wives would actually call me to tell me they had had enough - that was a horrible time and I found I was making excuses for him. Again, wasn’t my job to fix him or dig him out of the hole either.

Do you know why you do this? What’s really behind it, other than you think you’re really funny? Have you ever noticed people going silent, or maybe friends of family members ghost or avoid you?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

It's a clash of personalities. I had the same with my wife. If I made a little joke about her, she would shut down and she wouldn't talk to me for 2 days. I learnt not to do it, but I wasn't myself anymore. I am a spontaneous person. The jokes were never nasty, but somehow they affected her. Good luck. You have a life of semi-misery in front of you...


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## OddOne (Sep 27, 2018)

Cstone said:


> It’s amazing how the positive things said suddenly disappear with one small thing taken the wrong way.


I think the mind is geared toward remembering the negative over the positive. Most of the time life is uneventful, and as the saying goes, no news is good news. Which also means good news is, effectively speaking, not news; i.e., not interesting and not worth remembering.

Unfortunately, I don't think there's much of a solution here other than counseling, but it depends on how receptive your husband is. I assume he is probably too stressed to try and work on bringing back the fun in your marriage. At least what you consider fun and what he no longer does, at least not like he used to. Maybe there are online forums where you can have a bit of banter? Want to be careful not to make it an obsession or too much of an escape though. Unfortunately, as you are probably well aware, sarcasm doesn't often translate well to chat and forums, but it's better than nothing.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

MJJEAN said:


> I'll compromise on where we eat or what exterior doors we order


I’m never bending on my solid wood doors. Fortunately the Mrs is on the same page here.



Ursula said:


> ...a little like poking fun at his physical stature, which is something that I feel like a lot of shorter men are already a little self-conscious about.


There’s even a song about it, “Short Short Man” by Gillette. It’s a modern classic with deep lyrics, might take several listens to take it all in.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Cstone said:


> We’ve been together for 10 years, and *around year 4/5 I stopped being sarcastic with him, stopped joking around*. He took on a new job that he had to be more “professional” at, and his group of friends changed. He used to be able to dish it back at me. And I always welcomed the retort. He’s been climbing up the career ladder ever since then, with new positions and responsibilities. Less friends, less hanging out with others (not counting covid times). We have a 3 year old, which makes it even harder to have a social life. I miss social life.
> there are so many factors in the reasons why things are the way they are. But as of the last few months, he and I have been on opposite worlds.
> I do tell him many up-building things. I compliment his looks, I tell him I love him all the time. But I feel anything like that goes on deaf ears. *It’s amazing how the positive things said suddenly disappear with one small thing taken the wrong way.*


If you've stopped joking around and being sarcastic, when did the height comment happen?

And yes, it takes 1000 attaboys to essentially erase 1 negative comment, or so Dr. Phil says. It's not just your husband, it's everyone; if you put down someone enough times, they will start believing the insults.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

MJJEAN said:


> Umm, yes. Yes, you do get to say that. I went into marriage a fully formed adult with my very own personality. This is who I am. If you don't like me the way I am I clearly got involved with the wrong person and it's time for us both to move on.
> 
> I'll tone it down and be proper for things like work events or family events with DH's side (they're older and very reserved), but I'll be damned if I have to put on "company manners" for my own spouse.
> 
> I'll compromise on where we eat or what exterior doors we order or when we have company over, but I'm not about to compromise on my speech or behavior in my own home.


So if a spouse is a very flirty person then their SO should suck it up and quit *****ing about all the flirting they do with OS people? Go to divorce as opposed to them cutting that out for the sake of the relationship.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Yeah the stair comment was bad. Women to a large degree have issue with being with a guys shorter than them, so you brought that discussion to the forefront of his mind. I would have made the stairs a permanent attachment to the hot tub. If it looked gawdy or was in the way...tough crap! Situation remedied so you would not have had the opportunity to make the remarks again that you did.

I am 6'05" and wife is 5'03". She has a bulldog attitude to make up for her size. I do not disparge her height when she is griping about something being placed out of her reach. When she complains about being short and we dont know what it is like, I do not make a snide remark, i tell her being tall is not all roses....you constantly hit your head on low crap. 

We compliment each other. I get things for her up high, she gets stuff for me down low. I drop something and she will say Ill get that! 
If you are a sarcastic person it should never be directed at your spouse...that is just hurtful. It tells them something about them is not up to par/they're not good enough. Especially when it is not something they can control.

So if the remarks are no big issue to you...what if he started making some remarks about breast size that made you feel inadequate? Or say you were blond and he starts making all the cutting remarks alluding to blonds/stupidity? Something can be funny unless you are the one being talked down to. 

When my wife in the past said something sarcastic about something i did, i took that remark to the Nth degree and done exactly the sarcastic remark. She might say, i didn't mean do that, i was being sarcastic. I would say well you said it now you got it! I always said be careful what you say/wished for....you might not like the response/results. If one don't like the results they should not have opened your mouth in that manner.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

When you consider that all humor is rooted in hostility, it is easy to see that a joke at a spouse's expense can be interpreted as ridicule and does not induce loving feelings. Humor is a useful tool but needs to be used sparingly to be effective. Otherwise, you'll come across as a real tool.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Divinely Favored said:


> So if a spouse is a very flirty person then their SO should suck it up and quit *****ing about all the flirting they do with OS people? Go to divorce as opposed to them cutting that out for the sake of the relationship.


I'm not trying to change, alter, or train a grown person. I am of the belief that, yes, if your SO is a flirt by nature you either accept they flirt or find someone more suitable to you.

Also, I think it's silly to say "Oh, well, s/he doesn't flirt anymore!" as if the "problem" has been fixed. The flirt is still a flirt. They're just not acting on it, either in the presence of the SO or at all. Their flirtatious nature is unchanged. If you (the general you) can't accept the base nature of the person you're with, and they you, then why even be in a relationship?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

MJJEAN said:


> I'm not trying to change, alter, or train a grown person. I am of the belief that, yes, if your SO is a flirt by nature you either accept they flirt or find someone more suitable to you.
> 
> Also, I think it's silly to say "Oh, well, s/he doesn't flirt anymore!" as if the "problem" has been fixed. The flirt is still a flirt. They're just not acting on it, either in the presence of the SO or at all. Their flirtatious nature is unchanged. If you (the general you) can't accept the base nature of the person you're with, and they you, then why even be in a relationship?


You can say same about a cheater. Tell BS to suck it up or leave. He likes girls...she likes boys...we are going to have our boys/girls nights and be home sometime tomorrow morning. The injured party should just tale it or leave it. Person should not have to change their party girl/boy habits, acting single, just because they are married now...or have kids now. Dont talk to them, just divorce.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Divinely Favored said:


> You can say same about a cheater. Tell BS to suck it up or leave. He likes girls...she likes boys...we are going to have our boys/girls nights and be home sometime tomorrow morning. The injured party should just tale it or leave it. Person should not have to change their party girl/boy habits, acting single, just because they are married now...or have kids now. Dont talk to them, just divorce.


Uh...yes. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Unknown2u (May 19, 2021)

x


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Divinely Favored said:


> You can say same about a cheater. Tell BS to suck it up or leave. He likes girls...she likes boys...we are going to have our boys/girls nights and be home sometime tomorrow morning. The injured party should just tale it or leave it. Person should not have to change their party girl/boy habits, acting single, just because they are married now...or have kids now. Dont talk to them, just divorce.


As someone already said...umm, yeah. 

Cheaters have an extremely high recidivism rate and the options once you've been cheated on are exactly that. Take it or leave it. You can't go back and undo it. Your options are to stay, suck it up, and risk being cheated on again or leave.

I actually do know people who have told spouses they have their boys/girls night out, they'll be home tomorrow, and if they don't like it they are free to ease on down the road. People who act single after marriage know what they're doing. They aren't stupid. If they were inclined to quit they would. Why argue about it like you're their mom?


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