# Recently Separated and hurting



## injurycaused (Feb 25, 2018)

Hi all,

Unsure on really how to start this as I never normally post on forums but I suppose you have to start somewhere....oh, I never use these forum things either 

This may be a little long winded but basically my wife of 8 years and I have recently separated. It came about where I was messaging other women in a provocative manner and was always when I had a drink.  I would get to a point mid week (lets say a Thursday) where I would want to have a few bottles on an evening while watching telly just to relax then I would start to feel a little low and then a would feel the need to boost my self esteem somehow and wold resort to that using bad judgement. 

This went on for a number of years and got triggered when my dad first got diagnosed with an illness and my mother kind of put all the pressure on me to rally the family together and I would also be emotionally blackmailed into constantly being with the family. I have been to counselling sessions since the separation as I want to understand myself a little more and understand why I felt the need to seek this validation. turns out it stems back to my childhood and the constant picking apart my character as left an impact on me. 

So, my wife, she is the kindest, most beautiful soul I have ever met, so supportive and so very understanding but I have crushed her, tore her trust into pieces and I have let myself swell as the family down (we have two beautiful kids) I didn't reach out to her whenever I was feeling like this which I regret massively as I know she could have helped me. I moved out just before xmas when everything came to light. We have never had any blazing rows, we have never stopped contact and we always chat and stuff when I go round to see the kids and are on the same page. sometimes if I sense its frosty I will just get myself away to where I am staying down the road to avoid any conflict. I make sure I am giving her the space she needs but I know I have wounded her.

Its a total killer as I miss the kids, her (the cat, a little bit) and just being around them. I adore her family so much and the pain and shock I have caused everyone is off the charts. At the minute I am just cracking on with the counselling sessions and trying to look after myself, I have certainly stopped the drinking as I would never in a million years even dream of doing that sort of thing when I was sober or even when I have been drunk on nights out and if I was ever approached I always tuned away from that. but for some reason I felt when my state of mind was altered I was sending nothing more than texts that are harmless to anyone (as I thought at the time) and I have been extremely blinkered and immature.

Sorry for the long winded post. first time and all that caper.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

What would you like to know from us?


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## lala911 (Feb 23, 2018)

After reading your post, it sounds like the same behavior that my husband was doing. I don't understand it and he was defensive when I caught him. You should just read my post so that you can see what he did and how much it has hurt me. If he would have been completely transparent with me, I could have understood, but he continues to accept that this behavior is inappropriate and it is an EM affair. I feel like there is another person out there that knows my husband at a level that I should only know him. That hurts me because I haven't done that. There are so many other things that can pick you up, watch a funny movie, read a book, go out for a walk. He was depressed too and it is hard having to deal with all the ups and downs from it. If you love your wife you should stop doing this behavior, promise to go to therapy with her every week, listen to marriage podcasts, and really start letting her do the things that she has always wanted to do and give her a break from the kids to do them. I find that I just do not trust my husband at all, he takes his phone everywhere he goes, every morning to the bathroom and he puts his phone on do not disturb every night. If you have to be that sneaky around your wife, then its best you for you to be alone and without her, if you do that. I hope that you use the time away wisely and work on yourself, but you are going to have to reassure her that you are not with anyone else. I am constantly wondering if he is with another woman and if he still talks to them. I have no reassurance that he is not, and because he has lied, I don't trust his word anymore. If you really want to work on this, let me know. I'm your wife on the other side with the same hurts. Good luck.


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## injurycaused (Feb 25, 2018)

@lala911

Absolutely agree with you. I really do want to resolve this and at present i am attending counselling to get a better understanding of everything for my own benefit aswell as my families. Where i am renting is literally 2 mins round the corner from home so i have my phone on loud everynight incase i need to be round home for our youngest to give my wife a chance to rest. The trust has been massively impacted, i totally understand that and whatever i say will meannothing to her but what i am doing is staying consistent, giving her space where she needs it and being there when she needs me. I defo want to fix this.


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## lala911 (Feb 23, 2018)

you sound sincere. I hope you get the help that you need, fighting for your family is the best outcome for everyone. I wish my husband would realize that, but I think he fell too far off the deep end. Do you think you have an alcohol problem? Think about the things she would complain about and really do some soul searching. Also, ask her to give you a list of the things of conditions she wants from you before you return and work on those things. My therapist said that I needed to be very clear with this and that I needed to put it in writing. My husband would not meet my conditions. ;(


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## injurycaused (Feb 25, 2018)

Thanks @ lala911 nah i dont have a problem with alcohol although i have cut it out as the actions i have committed were when under the influence. I dont want to let them down anymore and i have taken a great deal for granted and i know i have. At the moment it is very raw for her and i get that. I am looking to continue my therapy for as long as i need. I felt like i lost myself a few years back with some issues in my life and never really reached out to her when i should hve. She is amazing, beautiful, caring and an absolutely amazing mammy to the kids. Makes me so proud of her. I have hurt her massively. I have been using my time alone to meditate (i have anxiety issues which have caused me great pain over the years) i am also a keen runner so i get out there and smash out a few miles to clear the head. Taken up drawing again also so i am drawing all my sons favourite superheros and stuff and getting them framed up for him. Its just so hard but i want to show empathy to my wife and trying to avoid wallowing in my own self pity. I know right now she has said she doesnt want me coming backbut i never push or ask as i firmly believe in my actions speaking louder than any words i can provide to her right now.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

So your wife won't let you come home, and has told you she wants a divorce? Did I miss that part? Why don't you just go home and get your stuff straightened out?


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## injurycaused (Feb 25, 2018)

Nah there been no mention of divorce. I left without any real drama. I have moved my stuff out and all that. Im literally 45 seconds away door to door in the car. We are separated but we dont have any blazing rows or anything. I think its going to ne good for me to sort myself and get headspace though.


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## lala911 (Feb 23, 2018)

Are you able to stop communicating with the women online? did you ever meet with them?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

injurycaused said:


> Nah there been no mention of divorce. I left without any real drama. I have moved my stuff out and all that. Im literally 45 seconds away door to door in the car. We are separated but we dont have any blazing rows or anything. I think its going to ne good for me to sort myself and get headspace though.


I don't have a clue about what you're thinking, but I can sure tell you what your wife is thinking about your "headspace"....

What you're doing isn't wise if you want to stay married to your wife.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

This was going on for years but you only decided to do something about it when she had had enough and asked you to go. To me that shows you are not really repentant, and are only sorry because you have lost your family though it. If you were repentant you would have stopped long ago.
She may not be able to trust you again after all that time, so you need to be prepared for the fact that the marriage may be over.


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## injurycaused (Feb 25, 2018)

Thanks for the responses everyone.

Yeah all comms stopped immediately. Changed number and everything. Never ever met and have never ever done anything physical with anyone else. Even if they did ask to meet i would have ran a million miles.


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