# What would you do?



## mitzi (Oct 8, 2013)

My husband and I have been married nine years. Out of those nine years seven has been sexless. Not once in seven years. 
No he doesn’t have a medical issue and no I’m pretty sure he’s not gay. His excuse is always stress. I’ve always been a very sexual women. I think it’s a big part of any relationship. Not only has it done a number to my self esteem but it’s been extremely difficult not to find it elsewhere. Yes Ive has oppertunities. 
We get along but I just am not sure how long I can go along like this. 
We are seeing a marriage counselor at the end of month. I’m not so keen on this but it will more then likely be the last straw if that doesn’t work.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

What would I do???

I would've had a completely new life, new home and new partner(s) 6 1/2 years ago.


----------



## mitzi (Oct 8, 2013)

If only it was that easy. I haven’t had the greatest of relationships through the years. I was in a very abusive marriage before. He’s not abusive so it makes it more difficult justifying walking away.


----------



## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

We are not you.

I say I wouldn't have made it six weeks. All kinda outrageous nasty would have happened after one excuse. I warned my wife when we first dated sex was an absolute must all the time.

Note, I say this, but who knows the truth. I did the best I could selecting and vetting her, and it has worked out after a lot of rocks in the stream, but she is one sexy babe. She is that. So, I'm just lucky.

All that matters is what you want to do.

Good luck.


----------



## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

mitzi said:


> If only it was that easy. I haven’t had the greatest of relationships through the years. I was in a very abusive marriage before. He’s not abusive so it makes it more difficult justifying walking away.


Have you tried talking to him? Being very candid about what you're being tempted to do? Tell him something like this:

"Honey, I need you to have sex with me every week. Over the past several years, I've struggled with the temptation of having this need met outside of our marriage. I don't want anyone else, and don't want to leave, or hurt our marriage, but I'm scared I won't be able to control myself if you continue to neglect me."


----------



## mitzi (Oct 8, 2013)

I have yes and he gets upset with me or tells me he will get better and it never does.


----------



## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

He is avoiding sex. Stress is a lame ass excuse to me. So the stress is so bad outside of your relationship that you choose to create it within your relationship by refusing your partner sex? Sure that makes a lot of sense. 

It is easy to walk away once you have made the decision to do so. 

Divorce. Then don't get married again. That is my advice. Something is wrong with you to pick a guy who abuses you and another who wont have sex with you. 

This is why I wont EVER get married again if I get divorced. I wouldn't trust myself to not pick the wrong person again. 

You are wasting away your life with this man. I'm sorry you are here.


----------



## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

mitzi said:


> If only it was that easy. I haven’t had the greatest of relationships through the years. I was in a very abusive marriage before. t*He’s not abusive *so i makes it more difficult justifying walking away.


Yes, he is.

This is emotional abuse.


----------



## happy2gether (Dec 6, 2015)

Malaise said:


> Yes, he is.
> 
> This is emotional abuse.



so it is emotional abuse for a man with no sex drive to deny sex to a woman?


----------



## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

mitzi said:


> I’m pretty sure he’s not gay.


7 years? I bet he is.


----------



## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

One thing I have observed over the years is there are a great many marriages wherein the woman is the one who is yearning for more sex, and the man is failing to perform.

There is a thread specifically about this issue in the Ladies Lounge on this site.

And there is some idea that sex doesn't always require erections, just enthusiasm.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blo...es-think-when-their-husbands-penis-falls-down

Sadly it seems to me men have a real advantage when it comes to sexless marriages. It seems to me men can deny sex more easily than women can. I notice most people never see my caveats of saying things like maybe, and seems to me, and such. 

Please notice I use words like seems to me, maybe, and consider the possibility. I notice people only read absolutes, though. Such is life when dealing with people I suppose.

I coax machines to answer the great riddles of life for a living. Machines make so much more sense than people do. 

But consider the possibility your husband could tickle your fancy without having to perform adequately himself. 

Good luck.


----------



## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

happy2gether said:


> so it is emotional abuse for a man with no sex drive to deny sex to a woman?


Not if he's made an honest effort to change the situation. OP says he hasn't.


----------



## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

happy2gether said:


> so it is emotional abuse for a man with no sex drive to deny sex to a woman?


Yes it is, it goes both ways. SO clearly needs a intimate physical connection. He is depriving her & not making any effort. 

He could easily get in the shower with her, give her a loving body wash & use fingers, tongue, etc to let her know she is loved.


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

After 7 YEARS he's either gay, asexual, or just not into you. I'm in the "I'd have left 6.5 years ago" camp. Trust me, there are non-abusive men who actually have sex drives. Find one as soon as the divorce is filed. Yes, it is that easy.


----------



## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

mitzi said:


> My husband and I have been married nine years. Out of those nine years seven has been sexless. Not once in seven years.


I would have dumped him very close to seven years ago.



mitzi said:


> No he doesn’t have a medical issue and no I’m pretty sure he’s not gay. His excuse is always stress.


At the end of the day the reasons why are superfluous, all that really matters are his actions.

Being spent from sex with others or being repulsed by you, or having a medical issue and or being gay or whatever really doesn't matter.

If he wanted to have sex with you he actually would, yet he doesn't.

So...



mitzi said:


> I’ve always been a very sexual women. I think it’s a big part of any relationship. Not only has it done a number to my self esteem but it’s been extremely difficult not to find it elsewhere. Yes Ive has oppertunities.


That being the case since you aren't getting any, it would seem that you don't have a marital relationship that is worthy of the title.

At the end of the day no one in a monogamous sexual relationship ought to be owed any sexual fidelity, if they unilaterally withdrawn sex from their sexual relationship.



mitzi said:


> We get along but I just am not sure how long I can go along like this.


So what if you get along with him. Absent sex you would do well to get along without him.

There are lots of people who I get along with, yet don't have sex with them. Yet not one of those people who I don't have sex with qualifies as a sexual partner of mine.

That said I figure if you can suck up seven years of no sex, you can (and probably will) suck up many more years of it.

Venting about it is just more of the same putting up with it.

Some people like to complain about all sorts of things that they don't have to put up with, all while they do nothing that will change what they complain about.

If you don't like being in a sexless marriage with a man who for the last seven years, has proven to have absolutely no desire to have sex with you at all ever. Then end this farce today!

On the other hand if you do like being in a sexless marriage, I encourage you to suck it up with dignity and embrace your choice to accept what you have chosen for the last seven years.



mitzi said:


> We are seeing a marriage counselor at the end of month. I’m not so keen on this but it will more then likely be the last straw if that doesn’t work.


A marriage counsellor will not give him the desire to have sex with you, that's on him.

As to it being the last straw, saying "more than likely" qualifies that as it won't really be the last straw at all.

No one can save you from your husbands desire to never have sex with you. Just as no one can save you from your own desire not to dump his lame behind.

If you have had enough...


----------



## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

You would be shocked if I told you the number of sexless years.. In fact I'm ashamed.. But anyways the good thing is he agreed to counseling (mine didn't). So you will hopefully get some answers soon. In the beginning I thought mine was gay or even too much porn. But now I believe it's anxiety issues cuz he is a worrier yet won't get help for that either... If your spouse always seems stressed out he might have anxiety as well.


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

curious does he wake up with morning wood?


----------



## pragmaticGoddess (Nov 29, 2017)

Honestly I am not sure whether I could have gone 7 years of no sex. I am assuming you have tried almost everything. It’s time to give yourself a timeframe after which you will move on


----------



## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

mitzi said:


> No he doesn’t have a medical issue


How do you know?



mitzi said:


> I’m pretty sure he’s not gay.


Again how can you be sure. 

I mean I'm a heterosexual guy and I'll admit to getting nervous at times during sex. When I met my wife after getting divorced I had a few problems, but I recognized them for what they were (mental issues) and I worked though them and now have no problems at all.......However....Seven years is a long time. There is something going on. Maybe he is gay. Maybe he is looking at porn and masturbating in place of sex. Maybe he has someone on the side or maybe he does in fact have some medical issue he's afraid to talk about with you. How old is he? Guys often have prostate problems when they get older.


----------



## Maxwedge 413 (Apr 16, 2014)

What was your sexual relationship like before you got married? How about in the first 2 years? I mean, was it regular and fulfilling at first and then suddenly fell off - or was it always weak and you hoped it would get better? And yes I am also curious about your ages. Yes people can have good sex lives at any age. But if your talking about a man losing drive there is a big difference (and list of causes) between a 28 yo man and a 78 yo one.


----------



## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

BioFury said:


> Have you tried talking to him? Being very candid about what you're being tempted to do? Tell him something like this:
> 
> "Honey, I need you to have sex with me every week. Over the past several years, I've struggled with the temptation of having this need met outside of our marriage. I don't want anyone else, and don't want to leave, or hurt our marriage, but I'm scared I won't be able to control myself if you continue to neglect me."


Maybe that is what he wants and is not sure how to tell her? Maybe there is a problem that He can't/ won't tell her about? Maybe he is a closet chuck or wants her to do it so that he can play the victim and leave while saving face?


----------



## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

It's one thing to have a spouse who doesn't desire you. Believe me, I know how awful that feels. It eats away at your sense of self-worth and gender identity. A man feels like less of a man, a woman feels like less of a woman. 

But it takes it to a whole new level when you've expressed your need to your spouse and they've demonstrated that they have no inclination to accommodate your need. I know how awful that feels too. 

You need to shake things up. Otherwise you'll just sit in limbo for many more years. He needs to understand how serious this is. If he sits in marriage counseling, not offering up any insight into his issues, or just making promises that go unfulfilled, it's time to move on. 

Is it possible that he's got someone at work that he's giving all his affection to? You might want to keep your eyes and ears open.


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

mitzi said:


> My husband and I have been married nine years. Out of those nine years seven has been sexless. Not once in seven years.
> No he doesn’t have a medical issue and no I’m pretty sure he’s not gay. His excuse is always stress. I’ve always been a very sexual women. I think it’s a big part of any relationship. Not only has it done a number to my self esteem but it’s been extremely difficult not to find it elsewhere. Yes Ive has oppertunities.
> We get along but I just am not sure how long I can go along like this.
> *We are seeing a marriage counselor at the end of month. I’m not so keen on this but it will more then likely be the last straw if that doesn’t work.*


*
*

i wish the marriage counselor would kick his @ss. literally as well as verbally.
you get married, you have sex(or at least intimacy). that is the accepted deal since time immemorial. there are no excuses. none.


----------



## happy2gether (Dec 6, 2015)

so why is it abuse for a man to treat a woman the way many(not most nor all) women treat their husbands? HELLO EQUAL RIGHTS!


luckily for me my wife loves sex, although it has been slow lately only averaging 3-4 times a week. Normally we are at least once daily, not bad for 20+ years together.


----------



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

happy2gether said:


> so why is it abuse for a man to treat a woman the way many(not most nor all) women treat their husbands? HELLO EQUAL RIGHTS!


I'd think it would be emotional abuse either way.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

happy2gether said:


> so why is it abuse for a man to treat a woman the way many(not most nor all) women treat their husbands? HELLO EQUAL RIGHTS!
> 
> 
> luckily for me my wife loves sex, although it has been slow lately only averaging 3-4 times a week. Normally we are at least once daily, not bad for 20+ years together.


It is soooo messed up with either gender.

I advised and helped a young woman divorce her husband after only two years of marriage because he wouldn't plow her fields. She was very attractive and a wonderful person. He was mental.

Definitely glad for you two!


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Let's get back to the fact it's been 7 years.

If he was gay he would be with a dude(s) by now.

If it was a medical issue, there would be doctor bills piling up.

If it were a relationship issue and she was making him mad, he would have left by now.

If he were having an A, he would have left the OP and been married to the OW and had a couple kids by now. 

If he were simply old, he would occasionally say ," do you remember when we used to have sex? Let's try that again."

But it's been 7 years with nothing despite her talking to him about it and him just saying he'll try harder and then doing nothing.

This means he is a dud male who simply does not have it in him and he doesn't want to. Period.

All the MC and sex therapy and books and date nights and sexy lingerie in the world do not take you from 7years of nothing to a regular, active, happy and healthy sex life. 

He's a dud. And he's a dud that is not into you at all but doesn't have the drive and wherewithal to leave you either.

If you want to be roommates and share the rent and housekeeping chores and live without intimacy and romance and passion, maintain the status quo.

If you want to have a live life and experience sexuality and passion , you have two options.

One is divorce and walk away.

The other is go up to bar and pick someone up or get some kind of FWB on the side. 

Turning a dud who is perfectly happy to go 7 years with nothing into a halfway acceptable lover is not thinking rationally and ain't gonna happen. 

There are 3.5 billion other men in the world who want to have an active and happy sex life life. If you want a sex life, you need to step out your front door and get one of those.


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

mitzi said:


> My husband and I have been married nine years. Out of those nine years seven has been sexless. Not once in seven years.
> No he doesn’t have a medical issue and no I’m pretty sure he’s not gay. His excuse is always stress. I’ve always been a very sexual women. I think it’s a big part of any relationship. Not only has it done a number to my self esteem but it’s been extremely difficult not to find it elsewhere. Yes Ive has oppertunities.
> We get along but I just am not sure how long I can go along like this.
> We are seeing a marriage counselor at the end of month. I’m not so keen on this but it will more then likely be the last straw if that doesn’t work.




- For a hubby not to have sex with his wife for 7 years is crazy.


- He could very well be gay or just seeing other women.


- Is he very overweight and insecure were as you are very fit and hot? Or visa versa?


- Very odd to me. Even guys I know who are yes almost LD, still have sex 1x week or maybe more from time to time.


- We aren't seeing something here. Something else is going on.


- A hot wife that has a healthy high sex drive would make me an extremely happy man. No issues on my end.:grin2:


----------



## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

The only other thing I can think of, and doesn't look like it has been asked, OP, are you a very outspoken, gotta have it your way type of person. Had a relative that pushed her BF around, nothing was ever good enough for her.
BF ended up with ED, cuz she could drain the life out of ANYTHING.


----------



## ladyphoenix84 (Jan 21, 2018)

Damn. I get **** if we go 2 days without physical intimacy.

Sent from my SM-G930P using Tapatalk


----------



## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Two days without seems a long time to me, too. But I never asked anything of my wife except going along. I initiated and she responded and we had fun. It worked for us.

This whole thing about demanding a wife act aggressively passionate in some special way just seems like something learned from porn.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> This means *he is a dud* male who simply does not have it in him and he doesn't want to. Period.
> 
> All the MC and sex therapy and books and date nights and sexy lingerie in the world do not take you from 7years of nothing to a regular, active, happy and healthy sex life.
> 
> ...




This!

He is perfectly content. How you feel doesn’t affect him. He will not change.

He will not change.

He will not change.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

mitzi said:


> My husband and I have been married nine years. Out of those nine years seven has been sexless. Not once in seven years.
> No he doesn’t have a medical issue and no I’m pretty sure he’s not gay. His excuse is always stress. I’ve always been a very sexual women. I think it’s a big part of any relationship. Not only has it done a number to my self esteem but it’s been extremely difficult not to find it elsewhere. Yes Ive has oppertunities.
> We get along but I just am not sure how long I can go along like this.
> We are seeing a marriage counselor at the end of month. I’m not so keen on this but it will more then likely be the last straw if that doesn’t work.


If you really still love him try counseling for 3 months if nothing changes, divorce him. Tell him if it ever goes back divorce him, if it ever goes back divorce him. 

If you just like him as a friend divorce him.


----------



## Julie smith (Feb 4, 2018)

I have a similar situation. We had sex for the first time after we got married. On our honey moon my husband tells me that he isn’t sexually attracted to me. This DEVISTATED me!!! When the kids were younger Sex actually got better and we were happy for a good chunck of time. He owns his own business and works 100 hours a week! I have always been a stay at home mom and was always with my kids if they weren’t in school. Life has been very lonely for me because it’s only been about the kids for the past 20 years! Now both my kids are away at university and i’m more lonelier now then ever before. My husband never has taken time off from work except for a week a year and that doesn’t happen every year. He’s a workaholic!!! Now that it’s just us home I feel lost. I started having an affair but we never had sex. I am very attractive and constantly get comments on my looks. I just don’t get them from my husband. This is very hurtful to me. I want us to be able to have amazing sex now that my kids aren’t here anymore but we just seem to not even know who we are as a couple anymore because it’s always been about the kids. I never thought I’d be in this situation. Me having an affair gave me confidence and made me feel pretty and wanted all the things my husband never made me feel. I now don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I can’t leave because i’m not financially able to but I am miserable with him. Please help! Any advice is appreciated!!!


----------

