# How much should you know?



## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

I'm making this post partly out of curiosity and partly to help others to decide what sort of detail they want to get about a spouse's affair.

My wife had two affairs with two different men 22 years ago; both were ONS. I found out 5 months ago. My wife was very remorseful and fully cooperative. I insisted on knowing as much detail as possible. I don't exactly know why I wanted to know this. It was during the immediate confrontation and I was still in a state of shock and wanted as much info as possible to try and determine what was going on. I was also worried that my imagination would make it out to be worse than it was or that I would obsess over not knowing what they did. 

We are fully R and everything is good except that I still struggle with mental images born of all the detail I learned about the affair. I knew one of the OM and have found that I obsess about that A more than the other. I guess it's because I have a more complete picture. I find that almost all my idle time I end up thinking about it. At times when my wife an I engage in sex I have to make sure it didn't play out like one of the affairs which completely kills the mood.

If anyone else has struggled with obsessive mental imagery of WW with OM and gotten over it I'd like to know what worked for you.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

How do you know these were just ONSs. How do you know they were the only ones? 

Why did she do it?

What is being done to prevent this from happening again?

How did you find out? The thing is this only happened for you five months ago. It is still fairly fresh.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

In my case I think my big ego helped. See I wasn't going to let some POS out do me maybe its my competive nature but I make sure I give it my best when it comes to sex.

As far as the mind movie, I look at it as some poorly made porno, most of the time it was on the run and the POS OM's didn't have a clue on what bottons to push. Sure there was one or two OM that had game but for the most part it was just two drunk poeple fumbling around in the sack.

I personaly had to know ever detail and know I can eliminate circus clowns and gang bangs...my fww is a one at a time girl. For the most part sex was the price she paid for the friendships. Even in some case it was getting her self in a bad spot and dealing with giving it rather then having it taken.

A guy really has to understand what he is asking of his cheating wife when it comes to mind movies...in one case...one case out of many unfortinatly... my fWW told me details if blowing a guy with a percing and how the POS cried and could handle it. It can be very nerving to hear the rest of this story but in the end and I mean after years of adultory behavior, I / we got a real understanding on what my FWW had become.

As tough as it was we realy learned alot about what my FWW needed both emotionally and sexualy. Now she has excepted who she is and has excepted my boundries and we can now meet each others needs with out shame or embarassment.

I have to say I can't really mention any emotional need being met during her affairs cuz in the end ther was none. It was just a bandaid for a physically abusive husband.

So be warned guy asking your wife if she blew the guy may not be what you want to hear, but it may be something you have to hear, so think carefully.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

As much as you are comfortable knowing. I wanted absolutely no details of any kind. None. But other BS are different, they want details.


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## castepatri (Dec 7, 2012)

The thing is this only happened for you five months ago. It is still fairly fresh.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

For me, the details were a big deal of my wife's 5 year long affair. I needed them to actually STOP the mind movies I was having. See, with the reality of WHAT happened, I was able to stop my brain from pretending and visualizing what happened.

I'm not normal, though. I used it to stop the damned things. Some people it makes it worse.

I was able to take the obsessive mind movies to near nil after knowing every single fact of the affair. Yes, the sh-t that I knew kinda haunted me. Then again...my wife had a physical affair with some f'ng scumbag. So, it's gonna hurt. But knowing WHAT really happened saved my brain the more horrible things I thought.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I'm with digs.
You have to know what your dealing with and if you can forgive , you have to know what you are forgiving.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Ok, sorry but if you want any real help here, you have to be willing to give more details than this. 

You say "My wife had two affairs with two different men 22 years ago"

How did you find this out? 
Were you told by someone else ?
Did she come clean ?

Sorry but can't give any meaningful advice without more disclosure.


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## MrMathias (Nov 19, 2012)

I want every detail I can get. I even had my WW show me positions, places, how he held her when they watched a movie. 

Fact is my imagination is better than anything they came up with, so knowing the truth has been helpful to me. I want to face the full puzzle so I can process it. I'm pretty sure I don't have mind movies, at least not debilitating ones. I've been told my interest in specificity isn't healthy, but who can say?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Regret214, my WW said the following to me just a month ago..."Do you want me to sit here and be a puddle of sorry and hurt?"

The f'ng answer is "YES!!!"

If you answer otherwise, you're a liar...and you ain't EVER gonna get through this sh-t.


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## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

Digs and guy - I agree. I'm fairly certain what my brain would have come up with would have been worse. The thing about knowing what you are forgiving is important as well, I think. I'm a very detail oriented person in all aspects of my life so it only makes sense that I would be here as well.

Two others have mentioned that it's ONLY been five months and that it's fairly fresh. Five months seems like a long time in this regard. Are you saying it's still fresh and that's why I still obsess about it? That's what I keep telling myself. Give it more time and it will go away. It just seems like it would be subsiding by now but in many ways the mind movies are worse now than during the first week. I was dealing with so many other emotions in the beginning I didn't have time for them.

Thanks for the advise and encouragement


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## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

barbados said:


> Ok, sorry but if you want any real help here, you have to be willing to give more details than this.
> 
> You say "My wife had two affairs with two different men 22 years ago"
> 
> ...


None of these questions are relevant to my original post. I'm just wanting to know what other think about getting details. I got as much as I could but am not sure it was the right choice. I'm fairly certain my own imagination would be worse. The only thing is that this is the only thing I still struggle with.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Your just a pup, I'm 3 yrs since d-day and you can forgive but you can't forget.
The mind movies can be forced out with a montra, my favorite is "I diserve good things" back in the day I would repeat it a hundred times a hour. These day i don't have mind movies I do have triggers..like when her text goes off.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Yes, CF...it IS only 5 months overall that you've known. It is totally acceptable that you "obesess" over it. Hell, Brother...you just learned this stuff. I don't care if it was 1 time 20 years ago or 20 times in 1 year. This sh-t still hurts. Period.

Allow yourself to feel that.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I'm a pervert, my imagination was off the charts, it was good to find out that my FWW is a one at a time girl, and circus clowns scare her.
Actually compared to my dirty mind, the sh1t my old lady did with OM's was tame..at least by my standard...but I'm wired different then most.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

2asdf2 said:


> If you are like me:
> 
> It will get better....for a while.
> 
> ...


I agree with this sooooo f'ng much.

1 month out I was like, "I got this".

2 months out I was like, "You gotta be sh-tting me!!"

4 months out I was like, "I got this".

6 months out I was like, "Get me the fck outta here!!!"

8 months out I was like..............you get it.

Don't let your guard down. Understand this f'ng sh-t for what it is. It sucks. Your significant other sought someone else. No matter what...that sucks moose balls.

Period.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

I'm with the "want to know all" group. The trouble is, my STBXW has not said anything beyond admitting (one week AFTER she moved out) to the PA - almost 4 years after the fact (2 years previously, she let me think it was just an EA which began in summer 2008 and ended fall 2009.)

So I have to deal with my very active imagination. The thing is, our sex life was good - even during the affair and during our false R, and pretty satisfying until the last year (when I felt like I was the only one initiating). The worst thing, and still bothers me, is looking at photographs from the summer (2009) she had the affair. Eg - pictures of the family or pictures of the weekends I had my girls out to the cottage and my wife stayed in the city. Kind of taints everything when I imagine that my wife was probably humping her young golf pal at the exact moment a particular photograph was taken. And I wonder if she did things with him that she wouldn't do with me.

I think that knowing everything would definitely help - but am realistic enough to know that I will never get that information. 

My IC thinks that one of the most important step for moving on, for me, would be to get into another relationship. Maybe erase the mind movies by making some of my own. 

Problem is, during low periods (like this weekend where we got together for dinner to celebrate my youngest daughter's birthday) - deep down, I still feel married and just not in the "dating" frame of mind (coming up on two months since she moved out). But I am working on it, slowly....


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

SomedayDig said:


> I agree with this sooooo f'ng much.
> 
> 1 month out I was like, "I got this".
> 
> ...


I was like that on a hour by hour bases, not month to month:lol:


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

Doubt, I think this is the right word. You will always have doubt.You will wonder "Is this true or is she fooling me?" I could go on but I am crazy now. Good luck David


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

The problem is that you have details, it's that your wife cheated and you are dealing with her betrayal. If you had details or not you would still be having horrible mind movies and triggers. The only difference is you'd be triggering on things you entirely imagined instead of things based on the truth.


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## theredwildflower (Dec 10, 2012)

i once stumbled on a video where i saw my husband in the past having sex with an ex girlfriend.

OMG it was traumatic and it killed our sex life.

However over time the images faded and it's now a distant memory that it's a blurb.

Give yourself time but don't make your wife feel guilty. Destroying your own sex life just adds to the problem.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

the guy said:


> I'm a pervert, my imagination was off the charts, it was good to find out that my FWW is a one at a time girl, and circus clowns scare her.
> Actually compared to my dirty mind, the sh1t my old lady did with OM's was tame..at least by my standard...but I'm wired different then most.


Pervert here too!


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

confusedFather said:


> None of these questions are relevant to my original post. I'm just wanting to know what other think about getting details. I got as much as I could but am not sure it was the right choice. I'm fairly certain my own imagination would be worse. The only thing is that this is the only thing I still struggle with.


These questions are relevant to why you are here.

I looked at your original post on TAM. There you state you found out 4 days ago about what happened 22 years ago.

This affair is old news to your WW. Just finding out makes this affair brand new to you.

Your mid is reeling because not only you do not know what happened all those years ago you do not know what happened from when the affair ended till your dday now.

You want to know all about the affair because your life was a lie during the affair. Then you life has been living a lie all these years because your WW lied by hiding the truth for 22 years.

You don't know what happened in the affair.

You don't know if any of the OM is the bio dad of your kids.

So when asked how you found out?

What can you prove to be true?

You want the truth then you need your WW have be polygraphed and paternity tests need to be done for a start to get at the truth.

Why all those years before your WW decided to confess?

Why all those years before you realized your WW had an affair and asked her?

Back ground is important.

What makes you believe your WW is 100% honest now?

If you believed her you would not be asking about knowing now on TAM.

How much detail to know is based on how much the BH wants to know.

Ask all you want, just ask slow, because once you hear an asnwer you can not unhear it.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

My wife had an EA over 15 years ago. 

It was almost a years after I found out that I finally got to the point where I was not thinking about what happened on a daily basis. thinking about it was a major part of my life for that year. 

Lots of wasted time dwelling on something I was trying to forgive and forget. While you can forgive, you never forget. You have to reach a place of acceptance. Yes it happened but I will not let it define me and my life. You have to move past it.

If it had gone PA (I can never really be sure it didn't) I have no idea how long it would have taken.

Time is the key. Each individual is different, but the answer is the same - Time.


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## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> I agree with this sooooo f'ng much.
> 
> 1 month out I was like, "I got this".
> 
> ...


Okay so I'm not going crazy or maybe I am but it's a common kind of crazy when dealing with this type of situation; a type of PTSD perhaps.

I've seen other talk about triggers. This is another thing that made me think I was losing it. I didn't want to take my normal route home because I would have to drive by the house of the person who told me about the first affair. The most logical alternate route took me past the apartments where the second affair occurred. Driving out of the way made me think "Why the heck am I driving this way. Oh yeah because...". So, I thought I'm doomed to think about this every time I drive home.:rofl:

Time is indeed the key. I don't get triggered by the drive home anymore. This stuff messes with your head in ways you never thought possible.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Crazy crap ain't it?! 

Yeah, I live in a smallish town. I kinda can't go any one place without going past a hotel. Moose balls. F'ng moooooose ballz!!


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

It really depends on your personality...i didn't get details right away...i still don't have them all. But it still suck either way, details or not. Even if they tell us, our mind will still wonder "is he/she down playing it for my benefit"...it f'cking sucks. It hasn't gone away for me, details don't help, not having details didn't help. No lie, it's groundhog day everyday for me mentally. 

I wonder if its different for men than women?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DevastatedDad (Oct 2, 2012)

I asked for all the details. I am glad I did. What happened was much lamer than my imagination. Doesn't mean It wasn't brutal. Really fvcking brutal.

I asked for the details in small doses so I could absorb them easier. I may or may not know everything but I know what was in my head was worse then it really was.

I am 5 1/2 months from DDay. The up and down was killing me (literally) got to the point where I couldn't get out of bed. I put a blade to my wrist twice to see if I could possibly force myself to do that.

I am on a low dose of Zoloft. That and talking to WW a lot about all this stuff has helped a lot. 

That was a round about answer. For me the details are a must so a year from now I don't learn something new and trigger and test that blade out again. I need to know everything so I know what I am dealing with.

Right now I am an a good place and have been for about 3 weeks and I no longer wonder about things because I feel I know everything. I think it is helping me to trigger a bit less.

That is my convoluted long answer.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

lisab0105 said:


> It hasn't gone away for me, details don't help, not having details didn't help. No lie, it's groundhog day everyday for me mentally.
> 
> I wonder if its different for men than women?


Lisa...

My wife cheated with multiple men for years before finding out she was a cheater. I searched for the truth for over a year. Did I get it? the details? Unless someone comes forward "out of the blue"... I will never know for sure. 

I don't really think it matters whether male or female. It's about knowing the truth, knowing how bad is bad. The relentless hound of truth never really sleeps.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

RWB said:


> Lisa...
> 
> My wife cheated with multiple men for years before finding out she was a cheater. I searched for the truth for over a year. Did I get it? the details? Unless someone comes forward "out of the blue"... I will never know for sure.
> 
> I don't really think it matters whether male or female. It's about knowing the truth, knowing how bad is bad. The relentless hound of truth never really sleeps.


Yeah, I agree. And in the case of an EA, the WP wants so much to label it as just friends. The only way you can know the truth, the extent of the relationship and whether your partner is laughing in your face because he's getting away with giving less to our relationship while expecting more from me........
I always like reminding him......while she was f*ucking another guy, she was getting a trip out of you. Maybe I need to take lessons from her......


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

The other factor which affects how much you want to know is the amount of trickle truthing which the DS did before D-Day. I think that if there was a lot of trickle truthing then you naturally would want to know MORE details when you actually discover the affair - simply because you know that there are details which the DS is hiding. Imagining those details eats away at you. 

In my case there was a lot of trickle truthing, over 3 - 4 years of false R, with D-Day (for the PA) happening AFTER we split. But now that we've separated for almost two months, I am getting to a stage where I still care, but much less than before. In fact, I can go almost a whole day without thinking about it!!


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## Leuven (Oct 1, 2012)

I think it also matters when DD was. I knew about the affair, but he kept on lying for another 4 weeks about it. Then he finally admitted it. If he would have spoken up the day I confronted him, I would have bbeen able to believe on what he tells me about it. Now I keep on doubting on everything he says.


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## mochamom (Nov 28, 2012)

It was 30 some odd years ago... I knew what happened, begged him for many years to just tell me. For some reason he would never own up to it ... then one day out of blue the needed to clear his conscious... Thought I was passed this, but really didn't need those details. So now the "Gorilla" is back, and I don't like it one bit... just be careful. Complete honesty is not always the best policy.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

mochamom said:


> It was 30 some odd years ago... I knew what happened, begged him for many years to just tell me. For some reason he would never own up to it ... then one day out of blue the needed to clear his conscious... Thought I was passed this, but really didn't need those details. So now the "Gorilla" is back, and I don't like it one bit... just be careful. Complete honesty is not always the best policy.


You did not get to control when and what you were told.

Along with if you were told 30 years ago you would of had left this in the past 25 years ago.

So if you were 30 on dday, now 60, you have to wait till you hit 90 to be where you would of be now at 60 if you had gotten the truth when you needed it.


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## cabin fever (Feb 9, 2012)

Her idiot OM was stupid enough to text a play by play to her phone while I was checking it. Didn't really need to many details after that, but she did tell me, if I asked. 

luckily for me, he was usually apologizing for his "performance". Who the phuck does that?

I still get down sometimes thinking about it, but then I think about what a douche, and tool he really is (I got a ton of intel on this moron) and it slightly makes me feel better, till I realize what a tool my wife had an affair with. At least if it was Brad Pitt or something i could understand. 

I still say it makes me stronger everyday.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

I of course can only speak for myself on how much a BS needs to know. Because for me, there is never enough.

I've read almost 4000 facebook messages, numerous texts, and have my wife's confession; but if I could get more, I would. I want to know every last detail of their 2 year PA, no matter how it hurts. And trust me, it was more than painful.

To this day, 13 months after Dday, I only have his messages, not hers, except for one. Short of breaking into the AP's home and steeling his computer, there's probably no way I'll ever get them. But that doesn't keep me from scheming up ways to do it my mind.

I'm sure some, if not most, would say I need counseling.


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## MrMathias (Nov 19, 2012)

badmemory said:


> I'm sure some, if not most, would say I need counseling.


Not I. 

I'd hack OM's Facebook account right now if I had the ability. It probably has the conversation my WW deleted from her end. I have less than a quarter of it archived and the early stuff would help me know when they crossed into EA. 

Probably doesn't matter in the long run. 

I'm sure some, if not most, would say I need counseling.


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## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

cabin fever said:


> I still get down sometimes thinking about it, but then I think about what a douche, and tool he really is (I got a ton of intel on this moron) and it slightly makes me feel better, till I realize what a tool my wife had an affair with. *At least if it was Brad Pitt or something i could understand. *:lol:
> .


That cracks me up. The first guy was in a band. She said his hair was kind of long but starting to bald. What an awful look. She thinks he must have been close to 50; she was 23-24 at the time. I keep picturing her banging Michael McKean.

Second guy was some I know. We both worked with him before I joined the Navy. He literally looked like Beavis from Beavis and Butthead and his voice was like him as well.

Her choice is AP's makes me wonder if I'm not as good looking as I always thought.:rofl:


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