# Did anyone else catch their wife by sheer intuition?



## WorkOnIt (Jun 6, 2012)

Having a ***** of a time daily with emotional flood. My spouse and I have been together just shy of 8 years, two young children. Something went amuck in February and she came home one day and flipped life right upside down. Heard it all, where she wanted to move out, space, etc etc etc... I thought what the hell.. Told her how I really felt about her if she was doubting it, wept real tears. Even dropped the rings finally... Truth was trickling in, found out she had spoken to another man, etc etc, but did not know how far it had gone.. proceeded to get married in March but my intuition would not let up.... In the end she finally trickled to me that during the time period between February, and just days before our wedding she had slept with this guy 3 times. I got the truth from her completely just a week ago. Two weeks after our weeding I had to smash her cell phone and ipod because she was still in contact with the OM.. I truly believe that Mr knight in shining armor had her convinced that he was some kind of saint man, and only now after much explanation of the "game" and what men are really like to get into a woman's pants, does she truly understand. I do see regret and remorse in her, and I know her very well. For the first 8 years she had never done anything at all like this. I admit I was not very attentive for a period of time, always stressed about bills and money, and worries of life trying to figure out how my family was going to make it and get ahead. I admit I put her feelings for sometime on the backburner. I can understand the basic need for love, but she swears now that she sees exactly what this guy did by flattering her with what she wasn't getting from me. She told me that all she really wanted was just for me to love her, which I do, but wasn't always showing. Are all men love dumb, and too comfortable after awhile? Assuming their wife knows?. I'm not sure but I think we all tend to be. The guy himself is a slime ball.. Played the typical moves, taking an emotionally distraught woman on POF.com, and flattering her for the first few conversations to gain interest, then hooking her emotions by playing off her words to act like he cared... We all know the game and what comes next... Basically used her, and played her like a fool with no regard to the fact that when she crashed her family and world would come right down on her. We've been together since she was fairly young, so she has no real experience with how cold / calculated / and cruel men can be when they're on the hunt for sex. I understand all these things, but it's the trust, and fear of being emotionally destroyed again. We are still together because I know her to be a better person than what she had done, but all I can say when someone cheats right through a marriage with you is OUCH. It's probably the biggest blow one can suffer. I forgive her because I chalk it up to her living a fantasy month believing that there's some perfect man out there but how do you tell someone who has no idea that underneath the surface all men are *******s at the core once heads butt?...
I've been reading alot about things and I am sure we can save this and affair proof our marriage, eg the 5 languages of love etc, but does anyone else feel like if they do it a second time it's over on the spot? How could anyone take someone back after twice, three times?. I feel sorry for those people who do not believe they deserve better.

Fool someone once shame on them, twice shame on you?

I guess I'm looking for advice.. It's been almost 3 months since the last contact and our wedding.. I'm supposed to be happy newly married but I am miserable, but yet some days are good.
She does love me, and I think fell back in love with me, but the hurt is there, and it's really deep... Relapsing to bad days from the pain sucks. Looking at the wedding photos hurts. The movies are the worst. 

Either way I'll struggle through and give her her chance.
One only.


I knew every lie she told me was a lie just based on my guts.. follow them.. I caught her in every lie by listening to my intuition.. I have my home / internet / phones / and her on lockdown until I can be proven wrong and it's kept her initial urges to contact the OM in check, long enough for him to easily forget about her.

Be vigilante.


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

My wife was away with limited contact. I knew deep down there was someone else in the picture just from history rewriting and coldness I could detect in her over the phone.

I thought I was going crazy until I received a phone call from someone else confirming a rapidly progressing EA.

If it happens a second time is it over? Oh yes. Instantly. It was almost over the first time. I filed within a few days of everything going down because she wasn't going to come home despite me asking her to.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Have you thought about marriage counselling?

Also, if she has a car, a VAR device hidden in it might be a good idea.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Sorry but your wife had sex with this OM 3 times right before your wedding. What is wrong with this picture? You are the fall back guy. This is beyond total humiliation. You deserve better. You need to contact an attorney and seek an annulment. You married her under false pretenses. This is really as bad as it gets.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

the answer is yes in my case. in may she wrote me the most tender
heartfelt words of love you could imagine. she was going to spend the rest of her life making me happy. then june, july august. financial crisis. i got moody becasue of her moodiness and alloofness. i tried to be loving, but at the same time felt rebuffed becasue of her moodiness so i reacted. i knew something was wrong and up. i tried desparately, but awkwardly to tell her she was the same girl i fell for 3 years before. things kept getting worse. something was up. i checked my phone logs. 3-4weeks on the phone every day with someone. found out it was a guy across country. checked my picture mail. pictures exchanged every few days, but mostly friendly stuff. then one day, she borrowed my computer. left her facebook open on it. i snooped. found her love letters to this guy. "oh, babe, the man ive been waiting for all eternity...blah, blah". even today, almost a year later she denies anything was wrong (LOL) and cry


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

I too intuitively that something was wrong.

Confronted her, without any evidence. She confessed to a very old EA. I still do not have all the truths....


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

That is a very tough situation... So, I’ll go to basics: Your marriage started with infidelity and lies. And, its only been three weeks (probably within the annulment time period). For me, but recognizing how my marriage went, I think I’d get the annulment so you aren’t married. You can still work it out and get the certificate later when you feel its time. 

My fear for you is that the period before getting married and the first few years are typically the ‘unicorns and rainbow’ period. Things get harder down the line. So, if she’s already able to cast you aside now, it will only be easier a few years down the line when she has her ‘knight in shining armor’ syndrom shattered by the realities of dirty clothes, tight finances, and the daily grind... You won’t look that shiny anymore. So, she needs serious help now as to ‘why’ when she is supposedly full of love for you, can sleep with other men without shame or much guilt (she went back).


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

You have fallen for the fallacy of the "unmet emotional needs" justification for her affair. The truth is that you could have satisfied her "emotional needs" and she still would have cheated on you. If she had any doubts about marrying you, she had the responsibility to say so before she went through with it. She should have told you that she was having feelings for another man before she continued seeing him. But she did not, did she? She chose to betray you instead. I'm sorry but you are justifying your wife's betrayal before and after the marriage on her lack of experience with men and on a predatory OM. You're shifting responsibility from her to the OM.

I'm not judging you for choosing to R (reconcile) but to warn you that you may be heading for a false R if she is not willing to implement the principles in *How to Rebuild Your Spouse's Trust After an Affair*. They are the true acid test about how committed she is to atone for her betrayal,

Lastly, working to become a better husband is a noble goal, infidelity or not, but make sure you're doing it for your benefit NOT HERS.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Annulment and restart dating


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

"The guy himself is a slime ball.. Played the typical moves, taking an emotionally distraught woman on POF.com, and flattering her for the first few conversations to gain interest, then hooking her emotions by playing off her words to act like he cared... We all know the game and what comes next... Basically used her, and played her like a fool with no regard to the fact that when she crashed her family and world would come right down on her. We've been together since she was fairly young, so she has no real experience with how cold / calculated / and cruel men can be when they're on the hunt for sex."

this is EXACTLY where my WW has been led. thank you for articulating this


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

I guess I had been getting odd signs, feelings for a while,, then one evening while talking to my daughter, he made the comment "once a cheater, always a cheater",, a rock hit my gut, and my heart skipped a beat...

The next day I found out about all the calls and texts from looking at our cell phone bill online!!! 

That was the first of 2 EA's I found out about that he had... (could of been PA's, but no proof)


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

I did, so i was at my work place one day drinking a cup of tea with one of my mates, now my wife had been acting cold and distant and uninterested in sex and i like the nice guy that i was started indulging her, asking her what was wrong,working on spicing the sex up and basically acting like a snivelling little puppy dog "boohoo what happened to my sweetheart? How did i go from being a champ to being a loser?" 

So yeah i had these little periodic twinges in the pit of my stomach. 

Now as i was saying, I was chatting with my work mate about a football match i think, and out of the blue there's this clear voice in my head accompanied with that funny twinge "Mate, your wife is f*cking another man.Plain and Simple".

And then there's this icy calmness that washes over you when you accept that this is happening. So yeah i dug deep and went dark and collected enough data to assert that she'd been having an affair for 7 months and was making tentative plans to leave me.So i just accepted this and waited for 4 more months playing James Bond, and her plans to leave me were becoming concrete(at this point I really didn't want to ask for a reconciliation and i wanted to adopt the stance of " yeah, whatever b*tch leave" and i really wanted to serve her the papers before she got a chance to ask for the D).

And as i said 4 months later when the happy sneaky couple are seriously contemplating about leaving their spouses( me and OMW) he dumps her out of the blue " Oh, i can't do this to my wife she'll be hurt boohoo"( who're you kidding you b*stard).

So while she comes back from the break up meet, I ask my solicitor who also happens to be my best mate and confidant to file the D8 and there she is recovering from her broken heart and mind you she was still in contact with the OM, him being the ass that he was asking her to continue seeing him and both of them making plans to see how they could just continue the relationship without doing anything to threaten both the marriages. 

And lo and behold the papers come home through registered mail and BANG.

I have to say even though it was probably one of the most traumatic times in mine and my fWW's marriage we got through it.
And there's still this amazing feeling you get when you're outsmarting a person who's hell bent on deceiving you. 

Machiavellian criminal virtue people say. I just call it payback


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> Annulment and restart dating


That is actually not a bad idea to consider. It would be a way for her to pay a consequence for her blatantly disrespect and violation of trust. She has turned the marriage from the get go into a sham.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> "The guy himself is a slime ball.. Played the typical moves, taking an emotionally distraught woman on POF.com, and flattering her for the first few conversations to gain interest, then hooking her emotions by playing off her words to act like he cared... We all know the game and what comes next... Basically used her, and played her like a fool with no regard to the fact that when she crashed her family and world would come right down on her. We've been together since she was fairly young, so she has no real experience with how cold / calculated / and cruel men can be when they're on the hunt for sex."



It think blaming the OM is your way of rationalizing and coping with her affair.

Once the OM put his eyes on her. She had no other way. Is that what you meant?

Your wife is not an adult and can make decent rational choices.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

anonymouskitty said:


> I did, so i was at my work place one day drinking a cup of tea with one of my mates, now my wife had been acting cold and distant and uninterested in sex and i like the nice guy that i was started indulging her, asking her what was wrong,working on spicing the sex up and basically acting like a snivelling little puppy dog "boohoo what happened to my sweetheart? How did i go from being a champ to being a loser?"
> 
> So yeah i had these little periodic twinges in the pit of my stomach.
> 
> ...



So you got back with her?


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

i think what he meant (at least i think in my case) that WW is really looking for someone to love her and relate to her in an exciting way.
can only speak for my WW but i know how she relates. shes looking for an emotional lover (and not kid myself physcal), hes just looking to get in her pants. period. thats the deception

maybe thats what he meant. so they are cheating on us AND each other?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

anonymouskitty said:


> And as i said 4 months later when the happy sneaky couple are seriously contemplating about leaving their spouses (me and OMW) he dumps her out of the blue " Oh, i can't do this to my wife she'll be hurt boohoo"( who're you kidding you b*stard).
> 
> So while she comes back from the break up meet, I ask my solicitor who also happens to be my best mate and confidant to file the D8 and there she is recovering from her broken heart and mind you she was still in contact with the OM, him being the ass that he was asking her to continue seeing him and both of them making plans to see how they could just continue the relationship without doing anything to threaten both the marriages.
> 
> ...


You helped your emotional recovery by finally refusing to see yourself as a victim of your wife's betrayal and becoming a man unafraid of divorce.

Can't help to think how more satisfying it would have been if you had called up the OM, in front of your WW, to tell him to come pick her up.

Kudos to you sir.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

yep, and i'd listed the OM as a co-respondent in the D so he got the mail too , situation blows over with him threatening me and my wife with dire consequences for spreading lies( talk about a guy whos **** scared of little ol wifey  ). so i grab ahold of OMW and present all the evidence that i've collected and NC begins in earnest. I think that my fWW was really pulled out of the fog when he called up to threaten us, talk about being use.

So a few days later she asks me to give her another chance. And you know i really felt pity and genuine sadness for her that she'd been manipulated , so yeah i told her that her future behaviour would determine the outcome and i still kept tabs and checks on her. And we start talking and talking and talking and a month or so later she writes me a really beautiful letter and she's really feeling remorseful i can tell, so i pulled the plug on the divorce.And then we did some MC and IC and my behaviour at this point was a bit deplorable to say the least, treated her like s*it , but she took it like a champ and we weathered the storm.

Been an amazing marriage ever since. She knows that she's not gonna get another chance for anymore screwups now .

And i don't regret giving her another chance

PS: The OM dated my sister in law years ago


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

WorkOnIt said:


> Having a ***** of a time daily with emotional flood. My spouse and I have been together just shy of 8 years, two young children. Something went amuck in February and she came home one day and flipped life right upside down. Heard it all, where she wanted to move out, space, etc etc etc... I thought what the hell.. Told her how I really felt about her if she was doubting it, wept real tears. Even dropped the rings finally... Truth was trickling in, found out she had spoken to another man, etc etc, but did not know how far it had gone.. proceeded to get married in March but my intuition would not let up.... In the end she finally trickled to me that during the time period between February, and just days before our wedding she had slept with this guy 3 times. I got the truth from her completely just a week ago. Two weeks after our weeding I had to smash her cell phone and ipod because she was still in contact with the OM.. I truly believe that Mr knight in shining armor had her convinced that he was some kind of saint man, and only now after much explanation of the "game" and what men are really like to get into a woman's pants, does she truly understand. I do see regret and remorse in her, and I know her very well. For the first 8 years she had never done anything at all like this. I admit I was not very attentive for a period of time, always stressed about bills and money, and worries of life trying to figure out how my family was going to make it and get ahead. I admit I put her feelings for sometime on the backburner. I can understand the basic need for love, but she swears now that she sees exactly what this guy did by flattering her with what she wasn't getting from me. She told me that all she really wanted was just for me to love her, which I do, but wasn't always showing. Are all men love dumb, and too comfortable after awhile? Assuming their wife knows?. I'm not sure but I think we all tend to be. The guy himself is a slime ball.. Played the typical moves, taking an emotionally distraught woman on POF.com, and flattering her for the first few conversations to gain interest, then hooking her emotions by playing off her words to act like he cared... We all know the game and what comes next... Basically used her, and played her like a fool with no regard to the fact that when she crashed her family and world would come right down on her. We've been together since she was fairly young, so she has no real experience with how cold / calculated / and cruel men can be when they're on the hunt for sex. I understand all these things, but it's the trust, and fear of being emotionally destroyed again. We are still together because I know her to be a better person than what she had done, but all I can say when someone cheats right through a marriage with you is OUCH. It's probably the biggest blow one can suffer. I forgive her because I chalk it up to her living a fantasy month believing that there's some perfect man out there but how do you tell someone who has no idea that underneath the surface all men are *******s at the core once heads butt?...
> I've been reading alot about things and I am sure we can save this and affair proof our marriage, eg the 5 languages of love etc, but does anyone else feel like if they do it a second time it's over on the spot? How could anyone take someone back after twice, three times?. I feel sorry for those people who do not believe they deserve better.
> 
> Fool someone once shame on them, twice shame on you?
> ...


I'm very confused... How did this POSOM get your fiancé/wife to create a profile on POF so he could seduce her?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

anonymouskitty said:


> yep, and i'd listed the OM as a co-respondent in the D so he got the mail too , situation blows over with him threatening me and my wife with dire consequences for spreading lies( talk about a guy whos **** scared of little ol wifey  ). so i grab ahold of OMW and present all the evidence that i've collected and NC begins in earnest. I think that my fWW was really pulled out of the fog when he called up to threaten us, talk about being use.
> 
> So a few days later she asks me to give her another chance. And you know i really felt pity and genuine sadness for her that she'd been manipulated , so yeah i told her that her future behaviour would determine the outcome and i still kept tabs and checks on her. And we start talking and talking and talking and a month or so later she writes me a really beautiful letter and she's really feeling remorseful i can tell, so i pulled the plug on the divorce.And then we did some MC and IC and my behaviour at this point was a bit deplorable to say the least, treated her like s*it , but she took it like a champ and we weathered the storm.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Awesome read! That's what we have been trying to get thru to many of the betrayed spouses here. Taking firm, decisive action. You can't love them out of the affair, you can't sweep it under the rug, you have to expose to the other betrayed spouse, etc. That's what it takes to get to R.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

I guess i sorta realized that if i were passive-aggressive in my behaviour and if i continued to be in denial of the situation the outcome would have been very different.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

lordmayhem said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Awesome read! That's what we have been trying to get thru to many of the betrayed spouses here. Taking firm, decisive action. You can't love them out of the affair, you can't sweep it under the rug, you have to expose to the other betrayed spouse, etc. That's what it takes to get to R.


Ugh... So true. Unfortunately, I didn’t do that. First time (unconfirmed) we argued and I tried reason; It got rugswept and she just learned to hide better. Years later, I discovered new boyfriends. That time I tried to ‘love her’ back and change so she’d want me... as well as passive/aggressive explosions. Found the underground EA six months into MC and the false R.

Then I learned. Nuked the relationship; I was done with her (set her free). And she came back with real changes this time. I’ve been watching ever since. Not reconciled. Not limbo. Not unhappy. Just in a ‘weird’ place where its more of a limited/conditional relationship now.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

sigh.......

Dude, your lying to yourself and swallowing the hook because it's easier and less painful than the blunt force reality of the situation... If this path had a real chance of long term success, I wouldn't be typing right now... 

Listen, your marriage is going to pay the piper.... The consequences of this event and her decisions will reverberate through your marriage forever. Forever may not be a longtime in terms of your marriage, then again you may have swallowed that hook fairly deeply... you may have many years before the walls of this reality crumble...

*You choose...* Red pill, blue pill. One of them you get to go back to the reality the two of you have written together... you cope with what it seems you believe... and you wait..... 

The other, you glimpse the terrible and disillusioning truth of who she is and what has happened. You test yourself and the limits of your love, and you put her and this marriage to a test it will likely fail. Probably very quickly and painfully. You may not be ready for that so you might opt for the long road... *I completely understand.* But, understand this... The long road doesn't lead to 'happily ever after'... Quite the opposite. The signs on that road say 'the end' 50,000 miles.... Enjoy your trip.

Most take the long road and the slow fade. *Its not as scary.* Your mind is strong, its amazing the power of denial. By sheer will you will be able to see what you want to believe... For awhile.

The biggest part of the reality you would have to face *if you want to make it through this 'for real'*... begins with two things....

*1. *No, it was not your fault. No part of her decision to betray you has anything to do with you. Nothing you did, and no part of who you are justifies her choice to betray you. _It's in her, it's who she is_.

*2. *She was not a victim. The big bad wolf didn't seduce your poor unsuspecting and niave flower.... This is the 'script'. This is the story line, its what is ALWAYS painted. You know why? It works. It's easy to believe because you WANT to believe it. Truth is, she wanted him. She made the decision. She wanted it and burned for him. Have no doubt, she persued and you were an afterthought.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

> And as i said 4 months later when the happy sneaky couple are seriously contemplating about leaving their spouses( me and OMW) he dumps her out of the blue " Oh, i can't do this to my wife she'll be hurt boohoo"( who're you kidding you b*stard).


Oh and if i'd waited for two more months to file, I wouldn't have been able to do so, at least not on the grounds of adultery  at least so yeah it all fell in place pretty nicely i think


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Racer said:


> Ugh... So true. Unfortunately, I didn’t do that. First time (unconfirmed) we argued and I tried reason; It got rugswept and she just learned to hide better. Years later, I discovered new boyfriends. That time I tried to ‘love her’ back and change so she’d want me... as well as passive/aggressive explosions. Found the underground EA six months into MC and the false R.
> 
> Then I learned. Nuked the relationship; I was done with her (set her free). And she came back with real changes this time. I’ve been watching ever since. Not reconciled. Not limbo. Not unhappy. Just in a ‘weird’ place where its more of a limited/conditional relationship now.


The important thing is that you learned. If you read my thread, I did all the wrong things too in the beginning and my previous marriage.

To the original question: Yes, on a hunch, I discovered my fWWs secret facebook account by entering in her work email address. The rest is history.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Pit-of-my-stomach is right. Listen mate, you can either choose to hang on to the image of your wife being virgin mary or you can choose to accept that she really has done what she has done and make decisions(whatever they may be).


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

anonymouskitty said:


> yep, and i'd listed the OM as a co-respondent in the D so he got the mail too , situation blows over with him threatening me and my wife with dire consequences for spreading lies( talk about a guy whos **** scared of little ol wifey  ). so i grab ahold of OMW and present all the evidence that i've collected and NC begins in earnest. I think that my fWW was really pulled out of the fog when he called up to threaten us, talk about being use.
> 
> So a few days later she asks me to give her another chance. And you know i really felt pity and genuine sadness for her that she'd been manipulated , so yeah i told her that her future behaviour would determine the outcome and i still kept tabs and checks on her. And we start talking and talking and talking and a month or so later she writes me a really beautiful letter and she's really feeling remorseful i can tell, so i pulled the plug on the divorce.And then we did some MC and IC and my behaviour at this point was a bit deplorable to say the least, treated her like s*it , but she took it like a champ and we weathered the storm.
> 
> ...


You actually took her back? Oh well, better you than me.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

lordmayhem said:


> The important thing is that you learned. If you read my thread, I did all the wrong things too in the beginning and my previous marriage.


Talked about this with guys on another forum. It’s almost a right of passage and a necessary step before you are truly willing to stop holding your punches out of fear of ramifications. Almost like needing to get repeated kicked when you are already down. Something will snap and you’ll recognize if you don’t absolutely destroy this behavior right here and now, the beating won’t ever stop. Every round will go like that if she knows you’ll curl into that ball and cave; That is what you are teaching her works. You can’t reason or talk your way out of behavior with someone completely irrational. 

And getting back into intuition. I wouldn’t call it that in my case. My gut hasn’t sat right for a decade and my wife was openly hostile toward me. The discovery of the two boyfriends was proceeded by a tongue lashing for not hiding easter eggs (I was sick and in bed) which ended with the ILYBNILWY with a demand I move out so she could have some space to decide if she could continue tolerating me... Redflag since I didn’t think being sick warranted this response. I found condoms and the phone records the next day. 

The false R was just dumb luck.. Happened to see a drawer cracked and saw a pre-paid calling card laying there... She’d been using that to talk to him knowing I had tabs on everything else (she’d provided me with all the passwords and so forth, so she knew what I was looking at).


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

Why do men accept this "lack of attention/loneliness" excuse? And why do some men pigeonhole/stereotype all men as just wanting sex?
No doubt the OM is a slimeball. But , putting down an entire gender like this is just wrong.
And, have you looked at whether your wife was just perfect in giving you enough attention and emotional support? i bet she was less than great in these areas, as well. yet, you did not cheat, did you?
it's a two way street. Wives have just as much responsibility for meeting their H's needs,as vice versa.
I realize that in the aftermath of betrayal, many BSs first look to blame themselves and the OM. The BS ids devastated and depleted by the trauma and self esteem and confidence are in the tank. So, in this state , we , often, take blame that does not belong to us.
You are a man, right? Are you like "all men" just wanting to get into the pants of anything female that moves. i suspect not. many of us are not at all like that.
And, there was significant value to your wife and kids from you focusing on meeting financial and other obligations. She should see that and be grateful, not cheat on you.


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## WorkOnIt (Jun 6, 2012)

Oh she's not innocent by any means, but neither am I. Although I never stepped out of the relationship, I treated her quite poorly at times, but I never recognized those things until all of this **** came down. I believe she started seeking an emotional connect because we were so disconnected, and the OM once the emotions were hooked did use the typical male predator situation to push for the sex... Hook them and **** them... We all know this is how men work until they find the girl they want to marry correct?. It's genuinely a very easy way to get a girl you never actually ever intend a future with. She's thinking rainbows, and sunshine with this "wonderful" new man, and he's thinking when can I get my rocks off next... I actually found a search on the computer after the first time she did it, but before the second and third time that was on google asking if she can fix her relationship after having cheated meaning she wanted to, but she also knew my opinion on it, and I believe in her mind, she had already ****ed up her life, so there was no going back, and her best chance at not being alone was to continue along the path she had mistakenly taken. I'm sure she already knew at that point that she wanted me, but I believe she thought it would never be in her mind for what had happened. I think the entire gravity of everything dawned on her when she realized this OM was never going to take the role of me, for her and our children and at that point the gravity of what she did hit her. When I confronted her, she said the CRASH was the hardest thing. Going from an imaginary scenario, to sudden reality, remorse, and grief at what she had done to us and her family. We lay in bed at night now, and we do experience memories, and that heart connection. She also wears the other shoe, and is very much afraid that I will not forgive her, and move on, and someone else take her place in her life. We've had talks about what life is really like starting over.. the 2 year woo factor, which is actually more like 6 months where you have two kids and baggage before the OM realizes all the kids do is cut into sex time... The reality is every new relationship is the same once the woo is gone.. So the grass is only green where you actually water it. I do think she's concluded that she wants to commit to her family, and realizes it was the biggest mistake she could have ever made. She feels regret and foolish for being played a fool and so easily mislead to destroy all she had, and had built at the whim that something was going to be better freely without work. I think she's more willing now to turn to me, rather than outside the marriage if there are issues. Time will tell. I am not counting on anything. I am not getting any hopes up, so that I cannot be let down if she is not truly willing to go the moral route. I'm not willing to be broken down again, and I've made my stand with this, she's aware, and she knows that I won't give a third chance. She's still here. We are moving 1000 miles away for a new job and new beginning. The one thing though that she doesn't understand is that although the affair may be over for her and in her mind and she wants it just to go away and move on with life and fix it, that my mind, and heart are forever damaged, and it's far harder for me to let it all go, and not want to bring it up, and I also realize at this point that the scars and images (movies) will always be there. MY biggest challenge will be to let them become less frequent with the emotional waves that come with. I know that anything I say can bring more damage but sometimes it's hard to hold feelings of anger back, because after all this was the ultimate betrayal, but when I look at it after the feelings of rage vanish, and I feel sane again I remember in my mind that there were periods where I was a monster towards her emotionally too.
I do not allow her to justify this, and I do not justify my actions either. A moral wrong is a moral wrong on either end. The hard part is that we made it through everything that life could throw at us for 8 years being 100% faithful completely to each other only to have this **** go south right before our wedding we always wanted.
Life's a real ***** sometimes. I've controlled the urge to want revenge, as I know it won't benefit anything, but god damnit there's days I feel like exploding and imploding and leveling everything around me, and then ten minutes later the rage is gone, left with sadness... I start counting and breathing.... Certain things I hear from her set me off, and other things are so comforting that I feel almost like none of this happened. I know factually if she could go back and change it she would, because the 8 years we knew we were closer than close to each other... It's almost like a switch flicked in her head for a month long period, and then flicked back off... and she's the person she was for 8 years again. I actually believe she even has no idea why she did this. She cries about what she did because I don't feel she can even comprehend why. I guess I just have to learn to be more emotionally in tune with her, and I guess she has to learn how to communicate her needs that way better so I'm aware. Apart from that we have a pretty good thing, and always did. Yeah sure it's not cool what she did ... but she did come back and marry me right?. She realized something, had some kind of awareness happen. She sure doesn't like the other guy much that's for sure. Like I said earlier I am not blaming this on the OM as she had choices, and moral ones to make, but he did kind of lead her through everything with the sexual push. I think in the beginning she was just looking for emotional connection, but hey that's the inexperience part of what men are really like with women they are not looking at for marriage or a future. That's reality. If more women knew this, they'd be less inclined to destroy lives with men who truly love them for a few weeks, or months, of useless fantasy. Things will never be the same, but I'm hoping that we can use her learning to become stronger than ever, and something even deeper, once I learn to forgive that is, and the images get a bit less painful.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

I don't think we, being BS's generally see the other side of the story, yes she was selfish and yes she knowingly deceived me but ultimately both of us view it as a bad decision on her part and we all make bad decisions.

Besides as i said my behaviour during reconciliation was anything but civil towards her, snide remarks, name calling and rage and I'm ashamed to say that i nearly came close to brutalizing her(mind you I've never been the kind of guy to abuse anybody either physically or emotionally) and all the while she just took it with silent tears and I saw her beat herself up about the entire incident she still does sometimes but seeing that just kills you on the inside, when you know you're doing it just to get back at someone for a mistake and they're taking it without question.

I always thought that i was the kind of guy who'd never give second chances to anyone but I'm certain now that I'd regret giving her the divorce, especially when i was livid about the entire incident and cursed her to hell. I imagine I'd end up being bitter and cynical so yes i actually took her back and you're right better me than you


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Pit said it. Read what Pit wrote. 

Somehow you went from point 1 to square K. Doesn't make sense what I just wrote and it does not make sense that you are saying. The OM is to blame, ouch and your wife? She is not as naive or innocent as you present her to us. If your wife is this easy due to her being naive or not having enough experience in the world then you need to watch her 24/7 because it will happen over and over again. I would suspect that your wife actively participated in this activity with her eyes wide open.

My wife says she could not say no to people. I do see that as one of her flaws, but I told her she better start saying no, fast or there will be no future with us.


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## WorkOnIt (Jun 6, 2012)

BigLiam said:


> Why do men accept this "lack of attention/loneliness" excuse? And why do some men pigeonhole/stereotype all men as just wanting sex?
> No doubt the OM is a slimeball. But , putting down an entire gender like this is just wrong.
> And, have you looked at whether your wife was just perfect in giving you enough attention and emotional support? i bet she was less than great in these areas, as well. yet, you did not cheat, did you?
> it's a two way street. Wives have just as much responsibility for meeting their H's needs,as vice versa.
> ...


I don't mean all men, but I mean how men generally treat a woman who they don't see a future with, yet still want the goodies is what I meant. I think when a man sees a woman he wants a future with that is where the true niceness comes in and you don't make an immediate push for the sex because then it becomes almost disrespectful. There are differences and I am aware of that, so please don't be offended. Some people are genuine but only to those they can see something actually with. I highly doubt a woman in a relationship with two kids was this guy's future dream girl, along with all her baggage, hence why he believed he could throw the charm on, hook her, lay waste to her life, simply for a piece of ass, and best case, suck her in use her to be his maid, baby sitter of his kid, and pay half his bills. POF.com is nothing but a hookup website, and there's a reason this guy is trolling on it. I bet he played the same lines on all the other local women on there. It's simply the "game" and we men all know the rules that apply, but come on, a married woman should be off limits, and a real gentleman would have told her "WTF are you doing, you have a family, kids, and a husband, go home and work on that"... So there is no chivalry in this puke man, and no fantasy to someone like that.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Awesome read! That's what we have been trying to get thru to many of the betrayed spouses here. Taking firm, decisive action. You can't love them out of the affair, you can't sweep it under the rug, you have to expose to the other betrayed spouse, etc. That's what it takes to get to R.


So tell me what consequences AK's wife had to face? She got to f**k another guy for 7 months, and was at the point of leaving AK, and now gets to return to her meal ticket, and gets AK to stop the D. And what does AK get? To be second-hand Charley. So AK is bragging about how he managed to put one over on her? This would be funny, if it weren't so pathetic. I swear, sometimes I wonder about people. Geez, people, an affair isn't a competition. If AK's wife had come to him and confessed, then R might have a shot, but because she was outed, the only thing she learned is to take it deeper undercover the next time. Since my STBEW's affair, I have read so many books and visited so many websites, it makes my head swim, and the one thing I learned is that WS's who voluntarily confess are showing true remorse, while those who were outed rarely do, and that the chances of E is far greater with the former than the latter. OP, I completely agree with Warlock, you will be WAY better off by ending it and looking for somebody with class and integrity.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

It all comes down to what principles a man or a woman has.Mistakes happen yes, many people don't recognize it yes. And i know that most men(married) boast about their conquests never realizing that their wives might be doing the same thing. So as i said it all comes down to whether or not you ignore your conscience when you willingly go out to hurt someone. Why do you think the WS feels guilty(not in all cases) and remorse after the affair has ended-> Because they ignored that tiny thing that pricks you when you know the cake's not meant for you.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

WorkOnIt said:


> Oh she's not innocent by any means, but neither am I. Although I never stepped out of the relationship, I treated her quite poorly at times, but I never recognized those things until all of this **** came down. I believe she started seeking an emotional connect because we were so disconnected, and the OM once the emotions were hooked did use the typical male predator situation to push for the sex... Hook them and **** them... We all know this is how men work until they find the girl they want to marry correct?. It's genuinely a very easy way to get a girl you never actually ever intend a future with. She's thinking rainbows, and sunshine with this "wonderful" new man, and he's thinking when can I get my rocks off next... I actually found a search on the computer after the first time she did it, but before the second and third time that was on google asking if she can fix her relationship after having cheated meaning she wanted to, but she also knew my opinion on it, and I believe in her mind, she had already ****ed up her life, so there was no going back, and her best chance at not being alone was to continue along the path she had mistakenly taken. I'm sure she already knew at that point that she wanted me, but I believe she thought it would never be in her mind for what had happened. I think the entire gravity of everything dawned on her when she realized this OM was never going to take the role of me, for her and our children and at that point the gravity of what she did hit her. When I confronted her, she said the CRASH was the hardest thing. Going from an imaginary scenario, to sudden reality, remorse, and grief at what she had done to us and her family. We lay in bed at night now, and we do experience memories, and that heart connection. She also wears the other shoe, and is very much afraid that I will not forgive her, and move on, and someone else take her place in her life. We've had talks about what life is really like starting over.. the 2 year woo factor, which is actually more like 6 months where you have two kids and baggage before the OM realizes all the kids do is cut into sex time... The reality is every new relationship is the same once the woo is gone.. So the grass is only green where you actually water it. I do think she's concluded that she wants to commit to her family, and realizes it was the biggest mistake she could have ever made. She feels regret and foolish for being played a fool and so easily mislead to destroy all she had, and had built at the whim that something was going to be better freely without work. I think she's more willing now to turn to me, rather than outside the marriage if there are issues. Time will tell. I am not counting on anything. I am not getting any hopes up, so that I cannot be let down if she is not truly willing to go the moral route. I'm not willing to be broken down again, and I've made my stand with this, she's aware, and she knows that I won't give a third chance. She's still here. We are moving 1000 miles away for a new job and new beginning. The one thing though that she doesn't understand is that although the affair may be over for her and in her mind and she wants it just to go away and move on with life and fix it, that my mind, and heart are forever damaged, and it's far harder for me to let it all go, and not want to bring it up, and I also realize at this point that the scars and images (movies) will always be there. MY biggest challenge will be to let them become less frequent with the emotional waves that come with. I know that anything I say can bring more damage but sometimes it's hard to hold feelings of anger back, because after all this was the ultimate betrayal, but when I look at it after the feelings of rage vanish, and I feel sane again I remember in my mind that there were periods where I was a monster towards her emotionally too.
> I do not allow her to justify this, and I do not justify my actions either. A moral wrong is a moral wrong on either end. The hard part is that we made it through everything that life could throw at us for 8 years being 100% faithful completely to each other only to have this **** go south right before our wedding we always wanted.
> Life's a real ***** sometimes. I've controlled the urge to want revenge, as I know it won't benefit anything, but god damnit there's days I feel like exploding and imploding and leveling everything around me, and then ten minutes later the rage is gone, left with sadness... I start counting and breathing.... Certain things I hear from her set me off, and other things are so comforting that I feel almost like none of this happened. I know factually if she could go back and change it she would, because the 8 years we knew we were closer than close to each other... It's almost like a switch flicked in her head for a month long period, and then flicked back off... and she's the person she was for 8 years again. I actually believe she even has no idea why she did this. She cries about what she did because I don't feel she can even comprehend why. I guess I just have to learn to be more emotionally in tune with her, and I guess she has to learn how to communicate her needs that way better so I'm aware. Apart from that we have a pretty good thing, and always did. Yeah sure it's not cool what she did ... but she did come back and marry me right?. She realized something, had some kind of awareness happen. She sure doesn't like the other guy much that's for sure. Like I said earlier I am not blaming this on the OM as she had choices, and moral ones to make, but he did kind of lead her through everything with the sexual push. I think in the beginning she was just looking for emotional connection, but hey that's the inexperience part of what men are really like with women they are not looking at for marriage or a future. That's reality. If more women knew this, they'd be less inclined to destroy lives with men who truly love them for a few weeks, or months, of useless fantasy. Things will never be the same, but I'm hoping that we can use her learning to become stronger than ever, and something even deeper, once I learn to forgive that is, and the images get a bit less painful.


Dude, you say you're not blaming the OM, but pretty much everything you say is maing excuses for your ws. If you don't respect yourself, and demand the same respect from her, who is to blame, then? Not the OM, right?


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

well she did confess about visiting a dating website 5 months prior to meeting the OM, now why would she have to? I didn't know about it. not till she confessed at least. BadBlood I think you're quick to judge and generalize people, you're still angry with your STBEW which is understandable. Call me pathetic, but I'd rather go to my grave knowing that I did the right thing(you might disagree here) and I was true to myself. I'm sorry that you're in a mess here but you need to let go of the anger sometime, yes people screw you over all the time, yes revenge can be satisfying but you'll always know that it still happened and that'll make you even more bitter and even more cynical.

I'm not here to brag about it, it was a very painful phase in both our lives i'm just adding my 2 cents so that i can help someone who's going through something similar. And if they do recover from it, I may have the satisfaction in knowing that i helped someone somewhere.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

I just cannot buy that your wife is all that naive. Are you aware that many women have voracious sexual appetites and are every bit as predatory as some men.

For some strange reason, we cling to the belief that the OM are always the moving force behind this and that they are the ones fooling the women.
That is insulting to women. 
Women who cheat , just like men who do, plan these things, pursue the affairs etc.
Have you read any of the women cheater's posts on sites like that doccool one. In many of the cases, the women are absolutely nefarious.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

anonymouskitty said:


> It all comes down to what principles a man or a woman has.Mistakes happen yes, many people don't recognize it yes. And i know that most men(married) boast about their conquests never realizing that their wives might be doing the same thing. So as i said it all comes down to whether or not you ignore your conscience when you willingly go out to hurt someone. Why do you think the WS feels guilty(not in all cases) and remorse after the affair has ended-> Because they ignored that tiny thing that pricks you when you know the cake's not meant for you.


we must run in different circles. Very few of the guys i associate with boast of their conquests. I suspect that some refrain because they know that doing so will make them look pathetic and juvenile, as well as cast doubt on their actual achievement in that area.
In my experience, folks that talk a lot about their accomplishments are , often, insecure and are fabricating.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

@BadBlood:- I do trust her now but not blindly and I've accepted the fact that life is unpredictable, if and when the situation occurs again I know exactly what i have to do


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

anonymouskitty said:


> It all comes down to what principles a man or a woman has.Mistakes happen yes, many people don't recognize it yes. And i know that most men(married) boast about their conquests never realizing that their wives might be doing the same thing. So as i said it all comes down to whether or not you ignore your conscience when you willingly go out to hurt someone. Why do you think the WS feels guilty(not in all cases) and remorse after the affair has ended-> Because they ignored that tiny thing that pricks you when you know the cake's not meant for you.


AK, with all due respect, you really need to get a dose of reality. If the OM had not dumped her, even if you served her papers, she would most likely still be with him, and you're OK with that? Did she do anything before he dumped her to show that she was feeling bad about what she was doing? So you got to surprise her, and have cussed her out a few times. So what? It's a matter of comparison. She got to eff another guy, almost left you and probably would have, gets to come back to easy street and what do you get in return? To be the second choice of a cheater. Also compare your situation to mine. I have a new woman who treats me like I was made of gold, don't have to worry about a cheating wife, and can enjoy life . You, on the other hand, will always be married to a cheater. Think about it.


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## WorkOnIt (Jun 6, 2012)

Badblood said:


> Dude, you say you're not blaming the OM, but pretty much everything you say is maing excuses for your ws. If you don't respect yourself, and demand the same respect from her, who is to blame, then? Not the OM, right?


Oh I respect myself, and each situation is different for each couple, and I'm not the type that couldn't easily wipe my hands, walk out and start something new immediately either. I am quite capable, but I also know my wife. We were in a bad place, at a bad time, and I wasn't as there as I should have been when she needed the emotional. I do blame her for her choice, but that doesn't mean I have to hate her for being human with a basic need for love. I don't accept the apologies though. Words now mean nothing. What I will accept is actions, and seeing her change to value what she has, and nothing less. If I didn't feel she truly regretted it, I wouldn't be here. As far as I am concerned it's both of them. This was not a choice I had any choice in. I accept that. All the choices now are in my hands. None of them are easy. What keeps me holding on is the regret and remorse, and the realization that she chose her family, and the fact that I factually know that she is not the person she was for a month long period. The other thing I've forgotten to mention is that she was also coming down cold turkey off some pharmaceutical antidepressants during this time period, that were prescribed to her to deal with other issues in her life, everything from abuse as a kid, both physical and sexual, to much worse things. She went from being an emotional zombie at the time when she did this to suddenly the person who could feel again, right about the time I found out what she'd done. 

Trust me when I say this one truly regrets it.. I'm aware of the statistics, and the numbers, and the women out there who are just plain cruel callous *****es, but my wife was ****ing amazing up until this happened. I've been through 2 other cheaters before and not a single one of them actually gave a **** for what they did after the fact. I'm not blind stupid nor naieve, and not easily mind tricked at all. She now has to deal with the fact that she made a life choice over something she felt for only a short period of time, and damaged us, and our family forever. She doesn't feel good, that's for sure, but she wants to be here, and fix it whatever it takes. I've not been easy on her, because I'm one to believe that if you are, they won't realize that they won't get the chance to do it and hurt you a third time. I've put my foot down. Next time I walk and she knows this. I don't think there will be a next time and if there is, she is aware that she will never have another chance. I know she loves, me but I am not sure she was aware how much I loved her if that makes sense. I feel she didn't think I really did.

Women are fickle creatures so I've learned, and I will be a more attentive, loving husband, but I won't do it a second time.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

@BadBlood If you read my story again you'll realize that I'd already let her go at that point.In fact i was actually hell bent on pursuing the D.
So she effd another man, i'm not happy about it but what am i going to do about it now? she effd another man and i've accepted that fact.
Your new woman may be treating you like gold right now, but we all know that even gold loses its value when its not dusted properly. I still think you're hanging on to the image of your STBXW being virgin mary, learn to accept the situation. And you are so wrong if you think that you don't have to worry about being cheated on again. Listen man, anyone anytime anywhere can be a cheater. It just takes one bad decision. Think about it and maybe get a dose of reality??


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Hey! Wait a darn minute! Why would someone who is married be on POF???


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

Not sure if i recall this clearly. But, i was under the impression that badblood, initially, gave his wife a second chance, until he busted her again.
Sorry if I got that wrong.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

@BIgLiam: They definitely are, which is why they brag about it as they're seeking validation from others. And most cheaters do it because they're seeking validation, example -> " He made me feel like a woman".While men are vocal about it because somewhere in their insecure hearts they know that the other guys are all appreciating it ( these guys are insecure too) while there're some men in the group who appreciate him alright but go behind his back and snigger about how they got to bone his wife


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

To me, that type of braggadocio makes me lose respect for a man or woman. But, then again, i am old and my testosterone is waning.


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## WorkOnIt (Jun 6, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Hey! Wait a darn minute! Why would someone who is married be on POF???


Happened before we got married. Nothing has happened since we were married.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

little unclear about something, she met him on POF? So she was looking for some strange? You have to set up a profile to communicate with the people on POF. That takes real effort. It's a very clear premeditated decision to cheat. There is no 'I'm so niave' 'heat of the moment mistake', to that.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

BigLiam said:


> I just cannot buy that your wife is all that naive. Are you aware that many women have voracious sexual appetites and are every bit as predatory as some men.
> 
> For some strange reason, we cling to the belief that the OM are always the moving force behind this and that they are the ones fooling the women.
> That is insulting to women.
> ...


Big - it took this site to open up my eyes and in the beginning I was so focused on the OM. My wife was at fault. She pursued the OM is what I discovered and it took months for me to realize it. Too many of us look at our wives as the weak ones while all along they are the tigress' on the prowl. grrrrrrrrrowl.


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## WorkOnIt (Jun 6, 2012)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> little unclear about something, she met him on POF? So she was looking for some strange? You have to set up a profile to communicate with the people on POF. That takes real effort. It's a very clear premeditated decision to cheat. There is no 'I'm so niave' 'heat of the moment mistake', to that.


She wasn't out there just looking for sex though. She was looking like most women do for an emotional connection, and she's never said she was naieve. I said she was naieve to think some magic man would come riding in on a white horse all shimmering, rather than a ****ing ********* on a worn out donkey. She knows what she did.. She's explained how she was feeling. In hindsight she is not proud, and in fact beyond shamed. It was a conscious decision for sure, one that if she ever makes again, someone else will have her life, but I do believe she learned from it. What I mean by naieve is that she doesn't really know men that well. We've been together since she was quite young.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

anonymouskitty said:


> @BadBlood If you read my story again you'll realize that I'd already let her go at that point.In fact i was actually hell bent on pursuing the D.
> So she effd another man, i'm not happy about it but what am i going to do about it now? she effd another man and i've accepted that fact.
> Your new woman may be treating you like gold right now, but we all know that even gold loses its value when its not dusted properly. I still think you're hanging on to the image of your STBXW being virgin mary, learn to accept the situation. And you are so wrong if you think that you don't have to worry about being cheated on again. Listen man, anyone anytime anywhere can be a cheater. It just takes one bad decision. Think about it and maybe get a dose of reality??


Have you ever read any of my threads? If not, then what are you talking about? The very last person on earth I would compare my STBEW to is the Virgin Mary. I can see why you are going to have problems. You really don't respect yourself, do you? You are willing to accept second best from her. OK , so admit it and move on. And saying that my new GF could possibly cheat is more an example of your own mistrust than mine. Maybe you would put up with it, but I won't.....ever.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Good for you BadBlood  I'm truly happy oh and have you set boundaries with your new gf? I have with my fWW -> she can do what she wants with whoever she wants , i've just stated the consequences . What she does is upto her


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

I'd suggest reading some of Marc Rudov's stuff or Tara Palmatier' or Paul Elam's regarding some women and their natures. 
This whole "pusuit of emotional connection" deal is a cover for women wanting to have sex with other men.
I think it is Machiavelli who points to the hypergamy deal in his posts and i agree.


Look ,there is a reason women are multi orgasmic and do not require recovery time. Look at the recent cougar phenomenon. Think those women are looking for a deep emotional connection?
Are guys threatened by the notion that women have the same, and often, greater sex drive than males?


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

actually, this whole thread is kind of sad, isn't it. Here we are,talking about how we caught our cheating spouses, and when all is said and done, what matters most is what we did or are doing with that knowledge. The choices for BS'S that caught the cheater are very few. Either you accept what the cheater did, and also realize that they would still be cheating if you had not discovered it for yourself, or you show some backbone and end the marriage, because you will not accept the dishonesty and disrespect. Remember, "fool me once, shame on you..fool me twice,shame on me". I decide not to be a fool, you will have to make the choice for yourselves.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

Badblood said:


> Have you ever read any of my threads? If not, then what are you talking about? The very last person on earth I would compare my STBEW to is the Virgin Mary. I can see why you are going to have problems. You really don't respect yourself, do you? You are willing to accept second best from her. OK , so admit it and move on. And saying that my new GF could possibly cheat is more an example of your own mistrust than mine. Maybe you would put up with it, but I won't.....ever.


Bad day, badblood? Ease up on the personal attacks. This guy seems to respect himself just fine. How is he any different than any of the other BSs that have taken back their cheater?


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

anonymouskitty said:


> Good for you BadBlood  I'm truly happy oh and have you set boundaries with your new gf? I have with my fWW -> she can do what she wants with whoever she wants , i've just stated the consequences . What she does is upto her


You never answered my question. Have you read any of my threads?


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Thats a classic lie man, the levels of testosterone in women increases when they're in their thirties and the same goes down for men. Whoever thinks that men are the horniest bought into the age old lie, women can and are more horny


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

@BadBlood No i have not -> going to remedy that.

And if you really look at it this way, the price i'm paying for her faithlessness is not giving her unconditional trust and being vigilant for warning signs, the price she's paying for her part is her shame(and this is the thing that she beats herself up about sometimes) and the fact that she may never regain my trust completely ( another thing that she beats herself up about). But we're happy. I'm sure both Almostrecovered and lordmayhem will attest to this.

And the price you're paying is anger and bitterness towards your STBXW and she's paying too, she may never realize it but she lost a good man and husband by her actions

So in the end we all pay a price


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## WorkOnIt (Jun 6, 2012)

Badblood, I actually had my spouse tell me everything, although it was the trickle effect as she wanted to hurt me as little as possible, and she still wanted a chance to save our relationship, and she knew how strongly I feel about unfaithfulness. I have now complete power to choose my own life, my eyes are wide open, and I will always follow my gut instincts from here on out, and not my mind, or my heart as they are easily mislead, and swayed. I choose to stay because I believe this was something they regret, and want to change, and some people have the ability to learn from something and change themselves. Not all but some, but even I've learned from the mistakes I made towards her, and I'm becoming a better person for it, hopefully for her, but ultimately for myself. Not everyone can find forgiveness and understanding, not everyone can accept what happened, yet realize you may have played a part in their getting there... There are different reasons for people stepping out.. The first part of determining whether you can save it, or burn it, is figuring out why. If you played a part in that, but she's still there, you have a shot and making your life better in my eyes. If she did it because she's a nympho well your only option is to run for the hills. If the person in GENERAL was a great person but you were not, but you've learned, and they're still there, what do you have to lose by giving them a second chance, and both of you learning from it?... Probably nothing.. Best case you fix your issues and have a great marriage, or worst case you head where you were obviously headed for, which is basically starting over on both ends going through the motions with new people only to realize that they're human too and everything you went through with the last person will likely just happen again.

At least that's my view.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

Actually, from what i have read, the women's testosteron does not increase, but the estrogen goes down, thus the balance tip toward the testosterone. Same net effect, though.
Michelle Langely points this out in her book "Women's Infidelity". 
She claims that coupling this increased attraction to strange with society having inculcated women with the belief that lust for another must indicate that the woman loves the new guy, thus she does not love her husband, drives this equation. 
She goes on to say that men do not make this mistake as frequently as women as they are socialized from an early age to recognize that being attracted/lusting does not indicate love.
Pretty interesting. not sure if it is true. but, my own life experiences, having been propositioned by a lot of women who had no connection with me, leads me to think that women do not need emotional connection anymore than men.
Just yesterday, some woman that I barely know called me to ask me out.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

anonymouskitty said:


> @BadBlood No i have not -> going to remedy that


OK, no problem. Look AK and Workingonit, I have a reputation for telling it like it is. I have zero problem with either of you guys and do sympathize with your situations. What I'm trying to get you to do is realize the odds are enormously against your WS'S being as remorseful as you seem to think. Whatever you do, don't take my word on it, read for yourselves or visit some of the more comprehensive websites, that deal with infidelity. Cheaters who confess, are far, far more remorseful, more committed to R and less likely to repeat, than those who are outed. Had my STBEW confessed, very likely I would have given her another chance, but because she got caught, I ended it, and also because I deserve better than a cheater for a wife.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

@BadBlood if you've read one of my previous posts you will know that she confessed to visiting a dating website and trying to hook up with someone, now she needn't have confessed that at all ( what would her gain be? fool me into thinking that she was really remorseful ? probably probably not.But her behaviour prior to all that went down suggests that she truly is remorseful.I'll never know that but I don't need to worry about it now.

And i really appreciate that you speak your mind firmly and clearly


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Fore warned is fore armed. Good Luck, Dudes.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Same to you mate


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## l4u (Jun 6, 2012)

She cheated on me twice.
Once with my brother and the second time with her highschool sweetheart.
I was stupid to take her back and look what she did to me. 
It's been a year since we got divorced. We were married for 3 years. 

In both situations my gut feeling didn't let me down. She was very distant, always secretive with her phone/computer until I caught her by snooping around and following her wherever she used to go.

Regarding her first affair, I'm more mad at my own brother than her. Look what my brother did to me. I don't talk to him anymore.


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## WorkOnIt (Jun 6, 2012)

l4u said:


> She cheated on me twice.
> Once with my brother and the second time with her highschool sweetheart.
> I was stupid to take her back and look what she did to me.
> It's been a year since we got divorced. We were married for 3 years.
> ...


My guts have never let me down. 
I've learned now that words are meaningless.
If something feels out of place at any part of working on my end to remain together I'll be prompt in removing the problem.
I do love my spouse, and I'm following my gut instinct to give her one second chance because my alarm bells aren't going off to do so. If I feel them go off again, it will be her loss.
I'm worth more than being 2nd or a piece of garbage to someone. I've found my inner strength and know what I deserve from someone. She's welcome to be a part of my life if she's learned. If not she's free to go until she's learned but she'll have to accept the fact that I'll have moved on too.


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## husbandfool (May 20, 2012)

Wow! This happened right before the wedding?
What's going to happen down the road when life gets day-to-day and not pretty? 
Good luck, my friend.


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## WorkOnIt (Jun 6, 2012)

husbandfool said:


> Wow! This happened right before the wedding?
> What's going to happen down the road when life gets day-to-day and not pretty?
> Good luck, my friend.


We were together for 8 years prior to making the leap both of us completely faithful this I know for sure, as I would have caught any sign and known. I am extremely intuitive.

Perhaps she having little experience with men caught a case of cold feet and wanted to test the water just to be sure before spending the entire rest of our lives together?. Especially since the last couple of years have had some major ruts / pot holes, and worrysome issues financially?.

I was ill nearly dying a few times, (Feel better now), but that compounded into not being able to work full time, some hardship, and struggling. 

I also don't think I was as appreciative or emotionally in tune with her as I should have been and many of the arguments were basically me being very insensitive and ****ish to her for things I expected her to view logically, whereas I've really learned much of what women do is purely emotional. 

Regardless life is back on track. I feel healthier, just landed a really decent job, and outlook for my future is pretty good. I do think I can forgive her, because when I look at how I was treating her through the stress, I can see how she might pick up on an idea that I didn't love her at all anymore. Too much focus on everything but her. She came last, but only by pure blindness, and accidental oversight, and not lack of love. I didn't display any. Everyone wants to feel loved. It's no excuse to step over the line, and there is no justification to have done that instead of making other choices, like us seeking some help etc, but in a way I can see how living daily with me and my insensitivity would have been confusing. In a way I've created my own hurt. I have opened up and put my heart on my sleeve. Taken the blows of anguish by hearing things I've never wanted to hear, but I do feel that she is remorseful, and certainly shamed. I think the look in my eyes alone when she told me was enough for her to never want to do this again. Over all except this one month period she's been an amazing partner, mother, housewife, spouse, and so on. I think we just hit a rut that she felt she couldn't get out of, and I think in a way she knew she screwed up badly but learned that what she wanted was me which is why she married me before I learned. She knew if she told me before that I would not have married her, and she would have lost the person she actually realized completed her.

Everyone's situation is different. 
I don't blame myself for her choices. 
I do blame myself for making her feel lonely however.

Forgiveness is easy.
It's the trust that will be hard.
I'm willing to give it a shot just to see.
Hard as it may be, but I'm not doing so blinded with closed eyes now. I'm wide awake, and always watching.
Funny how your entire world can be blown apart in just one sentence. Hurt is an understatement, so I am focusing on learning what I did wrong to make me a better person and I can only hope that she's doing the same on the inside of herself.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

morituri said:


> That is actually not a bad idea to consider. It would be a way for her to pay a consequence for her blatantly disrespect and violation of trust. She has turned the marriage from the get go into a sham.


You can't get an annulment if you have children. He needs to divorce her. Slept with another guy three times (yeah, right) just shy of their wedding day? Please...

How the hell did this pig actually stand up there in front of all those people and look her boyfriend in the eye and make those vows?

That takes a cold, calculating heart to do such a thing.

Divorce her brother.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Badblood said:


> Have you ever read any of my threads? If not, then what are you talking about? The very last person on earth I would compare my STBEW to is the Virgin Mary. I can see why you are going to have problems. You really don't respect yourself, do you? You are willing to accept second best from her. OK , so admit it and move on. And saying that my new GF could possibly cheat is more an example of your own mistrust than mine. Maybe you would put up with it, but I won't.....ever.


In all fairness to AK, you BB gave your STBXW a chance for R but she blew it by making contact with the OM. So you at one time had considered R and if she had not made contact with the OM, you MAY still be with her.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

morituri said:


> In all fairness to AK, you BB gave your STBXW a chance for R but she blew it by making contact with the OM. So you at one time had considered R and if she had not made contact with the OM, you MAY still be with her.


IDK, Mori, possibly, but not probably.


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## WorkOnIt (Jun 6, 2012)

Badblood said:


> IDK, Mori, possibly, but not probably.


The trick is to make it impossible.
Until the fog is gone.

Lockdown... Semi like an intervention.
Some may argue that it's not going to work.
In my case it bought time for her to wake the **** up, and analyze the entire "game" and recognize.
The OM simply gave himself away by letting the real him come out during that time.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

@BadBlood: Mate no two women are alike, your wife was never remorseful about her actions which i think is the root cause of your anger. Let it go , you have a nice gf now you're happy with her and thats all that matters. With regards to my fWW I did not accept second best from her, I put her through the torture rack for months, I don't think she'd put up with it if I was her meal ticket, besides she had a nice job which she quit immediately, mostly because she'd met the OM at a conference(I didn't even ask her to do this).

And yes your gf may be the best and may never cheat on you-> thats exactly what i thought about my wife till the s*it went down.
Don't put her on a pedestal mate, we're all humans and unless you become a realist and change your POV and accept the situation for what it is you are definitely going to carry the hurt and anger for ages.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

anonymouskitty said:


> @BadBlood: Mate no two women are alike, your wife was never remorseful about her actions which i think is the root cause of your anger. Let it go , you have a nice gf now you're happy with her and thats all that matters. With regards to my fWW I did not accept second best from her, I put her through the torture rack for months, I don't think she'd put up with it if I was her meal ticket, besides she had a nice job which she quit immediately, mostly because she'd met the OM at a conference(I didn't even ask her to do this).
> 
> And yes your gf may be the best and may never cheat on you-> thats exactly what i thought about my wife till the s*it went down.
> Don't put her on a pedestal mate, we're all humans and unless you become a realist and change your POV and accept the situation for what it is you are definitely going to carry the hurt and anger for ages.


AK, you still haven't read enough of my threads to know what went down. The problem wasn't that she was not remorseful or guilt-ridden enough. She was so remorseful that she attempted suicide ( no bogus attention getting, but genuine razorblade to the wrists ) and if she had bled another 5 or 10 minutes, I would be a widower. The main problem is that she is bat-**** crazy, and landed in the nuthouse. I have been supporting her getting it back together, ever since. Our D is final this month, and I'm REALLY looking forward to a lot less stress.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

May be she's bipolar or something mate, be gentle with your ex - you don't want her pulling anymore stunts to disrupt your future relationships do you?

And i really do believe that your decision was the best. Peace of mind guaranteed


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## WorkOnIt (Jun 6, 2012)

This morning my spouse woke up and said "holy **** what did I do. I really was in a fog. How could I hurt you and my family like that. He never even cared about me."

Each day is more recognition. Each day gets a little better.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

WorkOnIt said:


> This morning my spouse woke up and said "holy **** what did I do. I really was in a fog. How could I hurt you and my family like that. He never even cared about me."


Im sure that is the case....


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Hope your not relying on her conscience and personal guilt to be the primary source of consequences.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

anonymouskitty said:


> May be she's bipolar or something mate, be gentle with your ex - you don't want her pulling anymore stunts to disrupt your future relationships do you?
> 
> And i really do believe that your decision was the best. Peace of mind guaranteed


Whatever problems she has, they are hers, alone. I'm no longer involved. Even after the affair , I supported her struggle for mental health, but as some posters know, I was being her crutch. Now she has to work on her issues herself, without me. I wish her luck , but from a distance.


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## WorkOnIt (Jun 6, 2012)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Hope your not relying on her conscience and personal guilt to be the primary source of consequences.


Not at all. I am quite confident that I'd have a good life either way


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Man words don't mean sh*t, let her actions do the talking. You keep your hard stance and don't budge, even if she starts crying like a b*tch don't be the beta boy and go console her.......just stand there watching her with a bored look.....sometimes b*tches fake things to see if they really have a hold on you......b*tches are programmed that way


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## WorkOnIt (Jun 6, 2012)

anonymouskitty said:


> Man words don't mean sh*t, let her actions do the talking. You keep your hard stance and don't budge, even if she starts crying like a b*tch don't be the beta boy and go console her.......just stand there watching her with a bored look.....sometimes b*tches fake things to see if they really have a hold on you......b*tches are programmed that way


She knows I am serious, and she also knows that I am capable of stonewalling and walking away and never looking back as that is what I did in two previous relationships. She knows that right now I hold the cards to my future. She knows that nothing she says will make a difference and everything is in actions. I've said this matter of factly and in solid firmness. 

We all know our spouses better than anyone else, so I do know that she is being sincere. What she did is honestly not like her at all, and I think she's even shocked herself that she could have done it too. Today she's racking her brain to herself to even figure out why she did this. She is realizing that everything she needed was right in front of her. I'm sitting in silence watching her learn her own lesson. I'm not being a push over, and I've told her clearly that walking away for me and starting over again is just as easy as staying and letting her fix her mess. She knows I mean it. She's making efforts and just starting to come to terms that everything from here on out is on her end to save her marriage until I feel comfortable enough to recommit any trust and serious feelings again. 

She says it was the biggest mistake of her life, and I have said, prove it by actions and not words. I actually think she will.

I've told her that I am no longer proud of her, and she knows she is not proud of herself, and I said "Make yourself proud of yourself, and then perhaps I will learn to be proud of you too again".

I'm not blind, but I see enough effort and sincerity to allow me to stay. She knows that one simple sign of anything and I'll be gone. I have put my foot there and it won't budge. I will however be kinder, more compassionate, and more sensitive when she wants to talk but she knows my boundaries and I honestly doubt she will step over again knowing now what she will lose. Too bad it took all of this for her to realize everything she always wanted was right there in front of her.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Anniversaries are going to be a tough time for the two of you. I hope that you both are going to IC and MC.


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## WorkOnIt (Jun 6, 2012)

morituri said:


> Anniversaries are going to be a tough time for the two of you. I hope that you both are going to IC and MC.


Absolutely. She is the one who is reading marriage help books, saving marriages, how to have great marriages etc, and is asking about seeking MC. The anniversary area will be hard for sure, but like I said earlier, I do know her to be a better person than this, and I think she feels like she's let herself down too. There is much regret, guilt, shame, and disbelief on her end that she could have become like everything she actually hates, (In her own words). 
If I didn't see it I would be gone without a second glance.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Badblood said:


> AK, with all due respect, you really need to get a dose of reality. If the OM had not dumped her, even if you served her papers, she would most likely still be with him, and you're OK with that? Did she do anything before he dumped her to show that she was feeling bad about what she was doing? So you got to surprise her, and have cussed her out a few times. So what? It's a matter of comparison. She got to eff another guy, almost left you and probably would have, gets to come back to easy street and what do you get in return? To be the second choice of a cheater. Also compare your situation to mine. I have a new woman who treats me like I was made of gold, don't have to worry about a cheating wife, and can enjoy life . You, on the other hand, will always be married to a cheater. Think about it.


I really do not understand why you make such rude comments. Think about this:

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

If you understand english, this is the section of TAM that you are on. What you are doing is no more than bashing someone who is trying to recover from infidelity. You are being the opposite of being helpful. You are being disrespectful and antagonistic. Good luck with that.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

anonymouskitty said:


> @BIgLiam: They definitely are, which is why they brag about it as they're seeking validation from others. And most cheaters do it because they're seeking validation, example -> " He made me feel like a woman".While men are vocal about it because somewhere in their insecure hearts they know that the other guys are all appreciating it ( these guys are insecure too) while there're some men in the group who appreciate him alright but go behind his back and snigger about how they got to bone his wife


A big time counselor that does broadcasts on a religious radio station said every man he has counseled that cheated said his affair partner made him feel like a man.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

chapparal said:


> I really do not understand why you make such rude comments. Think about this:
> 
> Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.
> 
> If you understand english, this is the section of TAM that you are on. What you are doing is no more than bashing someone who is trying to recover from infidelity. You are being the opposite of being helpful. You are being disrespectful and antagonistic. Good luck with that.


Weird thing is , badblood gave his wife a second chance, initially.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

chapparal said:


> I really do not understand why you make such rude comments. Think about this:
> 
> Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.
> 
> If you understand english, this is the section of TAM that you are on. What you are doing is no more than bashing someone who is trying to recover from infidelity. You are being the opposite of being helpful. You are being disrespectful and antagonistic. Good luck with that.


Phooey!!!


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

BigLiam said:


> Weird thing is , badblood gave his wife a second chance, initially.


If I knew then, what I know now, I wouldn't have bothered.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Badblood said:


> If I knew then, what I know now, I wouldn't have bothered.


If you were not hurting you would not have posted your initial thread "Why should I care?" You may be a battle tested marine - for which we will always be grateful for - but in this forum you are one of us.

Believe it or not I do agree with you but nevertheless I will respect those who will make a valiant effort to R even though, like you, I chose to D. Can't you do the same as well?


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

Yeah, I am pretty pro divorce, as well. But, no need to insult those who try R. You can advocate for divorce without personal attacks.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

morituri said:


> If you were not hurting you would not have posted your initial thread "Why should I care?" You may be a battle tested marine - for which we will always be grateful for - but in this forum you are one of us.
> 
> Believe it or not I do agree with you but nevertheless I will respect those who will make a valiant effort to R even though, like you, I chose to D. Can't you do the same as well?


What other Bs's do is their business, and I , of course, hope that AK and Working, are successful in their attempt at Reconciliation. Where I differ, is that I don't believe that true R can take place as long as BS'S delude themselves by blaming the OP, or making excuses for their WS'S behavior. Self-delusion is the worst enemy that a BS faces.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

BigLiam said:


> Yeah, I am pretty pro divorce, as well. But, no need to insult those who try R. You can advocate for divorce without personal attacks.


 I insulted nobody. I am direct and honest. I would be doing nobody any good , if I was otherwise. Infidelity is a terrible Demon, and cannot be vanquished with platitudes, sympathy, wishes and delusions. It must be faced head-on, with honesty and clear-headed rationality.


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## WorkOnIt (Jun 6, 2012)

Badblood said:


> What other Bs's do is their business, and I , of course, hope that AK and Working, are successful in their attempt at Reconciliation. Where I differ, is that I don't believe that true R can take place as long as BS'S delude themselves by blaming the OP, or making excuses for their WS'S behavior. Self-delusion is the worst enemy that a BS faces.


There's no delusional in what I am doing though. There's no excuse for what she did. I agree 100% with that. I can only take her for what I know her to be deep down inside, and also look at my own inside issues that may have contributed, but I by no means blame her affair on myself. These are issues she had in her head. All I am doing is giving her the opportunity to fix her choice, and if she doesn't I fix my life, move on, and enjoy what I can in life. If she makes another wrong choice that's her problem, and not mine. I won't hesitate to walk.


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