# Telling the munchkins



## sayjellybeans (Jun 25, 2012)

I just read that children who are told nothing about the reasons for their parent's divorce have a more difficult time working through things. It seems weird to tell an 8 and an 11 year old that mama was too close with another man. But anything else would be a stretch or fabricated. I'm not sure what's right.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

sayjellybeans said:


> I just read that children who are told nothing about the reasons for their parent's divorce have a more difficult time working through things. It seems weird to tell an 8 and an 11 year old that mama was too close with another man. But anything else would be a stretch or fabricated. I'm not sure what's right.


When dealing with situations as life altering and traumatic as infidelity in their family the truth is the only rational way to go regarding children

If my wife were to cheat I'd simply tell my kid I divorced her mom because she had a boyfriend behind my back and that isn't acceptable to me


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## sayjellybeans (Jun 25, 2012)

What do we say? Do I use the word friends? We weren't physical, we didn't say I love you, it lasted two weeks...


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I don't really know your situation but it sounds as if you were having an EA.
Is that Correct?

Are you still involved with this OM?

Was it your husbands wish to divorce?


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## sayjellybeans (Jun 25, 2012)

Also, neither one of us currently have the cash to get our own place, so parents' house it is. 

His parents live nearby, closer to school and activities and have a room for stbxh and each kid. They're both retired and have always been willing to help with activities. 
Although, MIL is a compulsive person: shopping, hoarding, and lying. I worry about the effect of her personality on the kiddos. 
They also have their other grandchildren around a lot, which may not be a bad thing, but they fight a lot. 

My mom lives 20 minutes away, and we'd be in rush-hour traffic on the way to school, and there's no back-up nearby for help getting them there or picking up (I have irregular hours currently). She works full time and can't help in that capacity. 
Her house is big, but there would still be room-sharing, and I'd guess it would be me and my 8yo daughter because my 11yo son probably needs his own space.


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## sayjellybeans (Jun 25, 2012)

tacoma said:


> I don't really know your situation but it sounds as if you were having an EA.
> Is that Correct?
> 
> Are you still involved with this OM?
> ...


Yes EA. Have had NC with OM for almost 10 months. 

Yes, H wants the divorce. Has never had any real interest in rebuilding our relationship.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

sayjellybeans said:


> Yes EA. Have had NC with OM for almost 10 months.
> 
> Yes, H wants the divorce. Has never had any real interest in rebuilding our relationship.


In that case I'd simply tell the kids that I screwed up really bad and became involved with another man and their dad can't accept it.

I'd tell them I was wrong and wanted to try and fix it but it couldn't be fixed.

I'd ask for their forgiveness and apologize for hurting them.

I'd then do everything in my power to shield them from as much of the fall out I could.

I'm sorry your in this situation sayjellybeans, truly sorry.
I hope it goes well and if you're up to it please post how the discussion with the kids went .


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## sayjellybeans (Jun 25, 2012)

Strange, stbxh doesn't want to tell children about my infidelity.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

sayjellybeans said:


> Strange, stbxh doesn't want to tell children about my infidelity.


Because he finds it disgraceful to be a father who had so little worth that his wife (his children's mother) cheated on him. His ego has been badly bruised and because *he's aware that those children will one day forgive you for this*, he doesn't feel like telling them about your affair will help the situation.

Follow Tacoma's advice. Your kids will eventually find out and find you less respectable if they get misled about your divorce throughout their childhood.


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## sayjellybeans (Jun 25, 2012)

synthetic said:


> Because he finds it disgraceful to be a father who had so little worth that his wife (his children's mother) cheated on him. His ego has been badly bruised and because *he's aware that those children will one day forgive you for this*, he doesn't feel like telling them about your affair will help the situation.


Maybe. But what he says is that they're too young.


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

I believe you can tactfully let the kids know, however please do not burden the kids with adult issues that they may not understand. Tell them what is necessary and no more, what you tell them unfortunately will have to be decided by you and H. I do not however believe in total silence, chances are they already know something is wrong. 

When my ex cheated and i left I resisted the urge to tell the kids "your mom cheated and now i want a divorce", instead i told them "well your mom has made a decision that made it impossible for us to be together anymore.............." of course there was more but I refused to burden my kids with my ex's crap. they asked simple questions and I answered as best I could, they of course asked questions that were really difficult if i felt they would not understand I just told them "there are some things you are a bit young to understand right now".


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