# Dating



## everafter (Mar 10, 2011)

I'm sure it's been asked before, but what are your thoughts on dating? My divorce will take over 6 months to take place. We have been separated for over 5 months with no expectation nor hope for reconciliation. He was the one who was largely to blame for the demise of our marriage. Although I realize I am still married, and I am not actively looking for someone else, should it arise, is it reasonable to date? I'm not talking sex, and I'm sure I'll have trust issues, so it might all be a moot question. On the other hand, I know that that long phase of my life called marriage is over, and I don't want to limit myself. Thoughts? Oh yes, I would do everything I could to minimize the effect on my older teen boys.


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

I would like to know others thoughts on this as well. Like you, I am not looking to date but wonder if the right guy comes along whether or not I would be in the right to do so.


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## kat456 (Oct 11, 2011)

I am too going through a divorce as of right now we are not even speaking. But I do have to say that I have thought this very same question. At times I feel excited about the prospect of going on with my life. 
At other times I feel hopeless, sad, and just want my husband back. Taking him back is not an option because I think I would have to boil him before I let him come home. God knows what he's been doing or who he's been doing it with.

This is how I feel today. If I ever get another chance at love I will grab it with both hands and do all the things I should have done in my marriage. I will be their friend, lover, partner, and do everything I can to keep the love alive. 

I will not have trust issues because this new man did nothing to deserve distrust. <but I will know sooner if they are not trustworthy, because I have now been around the block and am smarter for it> 

I will not take them for granted for a moment because I know how that feels.

I will make love to them like they are the last man on earth everytime.

I will never let someone great pass me by because the person who was not great has caused me pain and I am afraid of being hurt again. I will love again. I will love harder. I will not let this divorce ruin my heart. 

I honestly hope I get another chance at it. I am now a single mother with 4 children. It is hard to hope for someone who is willing to take that on. 
Good luck to you.
Don't be afraid.
Don't hold back the marriage is over it is okay to move on.
If the opportunity comes go for it. What the hell is life anyway if you don't have someone to share it with and to love you.:smthumbup::smthumbup:


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## everafter (Mar 10, 2011)

Words of wisdom, K. One man kept smiling at me. Turns out he is married. Despicable!


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Sorry to bust up the party...

My marriage should be over legally sometime in January.

In my eyes - I'm still married. 

I also have two young girls and don't want them to have any doubts about things when they look back and wonder why Dad may have been dating sometime "near the end."

Also - I know how vulnerable I am right now. Everything I've read and been told says to wait one year before dating.

Flirt - go to lunch with people - chat - talk - but don't rush into anything serious. Give yourself some time to heal.

My 2 cents...


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

NG, my marriage will be legally over once my lawyer gets my revised separation agreement done, I sign, my stbxw signs, including her affidavit of adultery that will waive the remaining waiting period (May 2012) and finally once a judge signs it.

In my eyes, I realize I'm still married, but right now I couldn't care less, I proclaim it officially over even in the legal stuff isn't done yet.

As for dating it has begun (and I don't just mean making a profile on a dating website) met a nice and beautiful woman, also 6 months out from separation. On our second date got hot and heavy and I never once felt any desire for any particular person other than this new woman. I can still sense some emotional damage (longing) that is yearning to be repaired (fulfilled), and that will take time, I just don't expect anyone else but myself to do that. Maybe I should wait longer, but I don't really care I just want to experience life for once.

But listen to your emotions, I don't think they will let you jump into something you're not ready for. Ignore what you've read and been told, do what is right for you. I have a young son, and I too don't want to cast any perceptions about why his parents split up, so I definitely will not be introducing any women to him as my GF, nor act around him in that manner...


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Lon said:


> NG, my marriage will be legally over once my lawyer gets my revised separation agreement done, I sign, my stbxw signs, including her affidavit of adultery that will waive the remaining waiting period (May 2012) and finally once a judge signs it.
> 
> In my eyes, I realize I'm still married, but right now I couldn't care less, I proclaim it officially over even in the legal stuff isn't done yet.
> 
> ...


I can already feel myself being "pulled" at times.

I could probably justify it - truly justify it - by saying that my marriage has been over for at least a year.

I'm not sure I would trust my own judgment some days if the right girl showed me the right kind of attention. Just being honest...


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## everafter (Mar 10, 2011)

Well, it's not like I'm being asked out. I think I would do lunch with a man. I would be careful not to hurt my sons, especially the older one who is away at college. He is home so little, it's like a kind of timewarp for him.
I suddenly realized that it would be hard to take rejection at this point. Or a crush by someone else. Maybe I will just wait until summer...


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

everafter said:


> Well, it's not like I'm being asked out. I think I would do lunch with a man. I would be careful not to hurt my sons, especially the older one who is away at college. He is home so little, it's like a kind of timewarp for him.
> I suddenly realized that it would be hard to take rejection at this point. Or a crush by someone else. Maybe I will just wait until summer...


:iagree:


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## Craggy456 (Feb 22, 2011)

I'm too focused on rebuilding myself and starting over to even think about dating


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Interesting...I have no desire to date at all. But I think it is fine to date as long as there are no games being played. As long as the break up is clean and the new party would not face peril, I say go for it, but don't get too serious until you work out all the disappointment from ex or the current nutjob ;o)


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

I think everyone in our situation runs the risk of the rebound. However, I think part of truly letting go and detaching emotionally is finding yourself again. This can be done a number of ways. Once I let go, I was determined to be more independent and prove to myself that I was a whole person on my own. I focused on my kids and running my household alone, I got out and spent more time with friends. And I went on dates with the opposite sex. It felt really good to see that I was a damn good person with a lot to offer. I was careful not to get invested in anyone, and I saw each situation as a friend. I was open and honest. I talked to many of my friends about my separation and impending divorce, and formed a nice network of others in the same situation. I took back up one of my old hobbies. I found value in myself and my self-esteem sky-rocketed. I wasn't dependent on men to make me feel good, but I enjoyed being myself and getting to know myself and what I would be looking for when I was ready. 

I definitely wasn't looking to replace my STBX, and I wasn't even looking for a partner. I basically wanted someone of the opposite sex that I could hang out with in addition to my same sex friends. Incidentally, I did meet someone, someone that was a friend turned into more. And I'm not divorced yet and we've been together almost 4 months. I don't have a moral dilemma about it, because in God's eyes I'm divorced. My marriage was over when he cheated and walked out on me. It isn't over when the legal system says it is. Separation of church and state! Kidding aside, I think dating is fine as long as you know the dangers and signs of rebounding. Fostering that independence and knowing you can be alone are very important. My relationship is long distance which gives me plenty of time to work on myself and my priorities. And I am happy with my situation. But I'll be a lot happier when my marriage is legally over!


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## Oak (Mar 21, 2011)

As with anything else, there are plenty of generalities that you can apply to this topic which work as universal wisdoms. 

That said, there are also plenty of exceptions.

For me I also felt a certain reluctance to date (or at least have sex) while I was separated even once I knew I was getting divorced. But in my case the entire process of being told my ex was unhappy to actually getting divorced was only 4 months. If it had looked like the process would have taken longer, I would have come to terms with it.

I am not a god-fearing person, nor am I burdened by a sense of guilt when I think about having sex out of wed-lock while legally married...I just simply found it disrespectful to the personal commitment I had made.

Now I look back and I wonder why I waited, however I know it was the best thing to do as it forced me to truly become comfortable in my own skin as a single individual. That sped up my healing immensely. I still hung out with friends of the opposite sex and I maintain that is ALSO very healthy.

Everyone is different, be honest with yourself and you will know when you are ready to date. Just remember that if you are only looking for a physical release, or conversely if you are only looking for a new relationship...COMMUNICATE those thoughts with your partner. Do not be a game player, in the end it will only hinder your own progress.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

I have no desire to date. I've been separated almost a year but have tried in that year to "make it work" with my husband. Now I've come to a different place but I don't want to replace him with someone new. In fact, the LAST thing I want/need is a complication in my life and dating seems to be one big complication waiting to happen. 

Plus, I have kids and the last thing I would want to do is start bringing potential boyfriends into their lives. They've been through enough. If and when I do decide to date I plan to keep it on the Down Low when it comes to my kids. 

I have a lot of male friends (always have) but I rarely find myself attracted to other men. I guess I'm just really fussy. It's a blessing in disguise.


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## iammovingon5678 (Nov 21, 2011)

LonelyNLost said:


> I think everyone in our situation runs the risk of the rebound. However, I think part of truly letting go and detaching emotionally is finding yourself again. This can be done a number of ways. Once I let go, I was determined to be more independent and prove to myself that I was a whole person on my own. I focused on my kids and running my household alone, I got out and spent more time with friends. And I went on dates with the opposite sex. It felt really good to see that I was a damn good person with a lot to offer. I was careful not to get invested in anyone, and I saw each situation as a friend. I was open and honest. I talked to many of my friends about my separation and impending divorce, and formed a nice network of others in the same situation. I took back up one of my old hobbies. I found value in myself and my self-esteem sky-rocketed. I wasn't dependent on men to make me feel good, but I enjoyed being myself and getting to know myself and what I would be looking for when I was ready.
> 
> I definitely wasn't looking to replace my STBX, and I wasn't even looking for a partner. I basically wanted someone of the opposite sex that I could hang out with in addition to my same sex friends. Incidentally, I did meet someone, someone that was a friend turned into more. And I'm not divorced yet and we've been together almost 4 months. I don't have a moral dilemma about it, because in God's eyes I'm divorced. My marriage was over when he cheated and walked out on me. It isn't over when the legal system says it is. Separation of church and state! Kidding aside, I think dating is fine as long as you know the dangers and signs of rebounding. Fostering that independence and knowing you can be alone are very important. My relationship is long distance which gives me plenty of time to work on myself and my priorities. And I am happy with my situation. But I'll be a lot happier when my marriage is legally over!


I felt like you wrote my own story


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## everafter (Mar 10, 2011)

Sounds like the answer isn't one size fits all! 
I am now in the scarey exciting position of having a flirtation with an amazing man! My brain tells me: "Proceed with Caution!" At least it's something better to lose sleep over.  (no, not sleeping with him)


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Interesting. With all the sad feelings I have been having, would it be so bad to make friends with others of the opposite sex who might help the ego? As long as they understand the situation.


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