# Controlling because of his Beliefs



## Amarah (Apr 2, 2018)

Im Christian married to a Muslim man. Before our wedding, I made it clear to him that I will not convert to Islam and he agreed. We were so happy during our first year but things change after that. He demanded me to wear clothes from neck to toe (but not hijab) even during summer and we always argue because of that. I compromise by changing my clothing style but he wants more.Now, he wants me to use a shawl always. Another thing is the food. He dont want me to eat any food that theres no halal code in it. We cannot even eat out. I talked to him many times that we must understand each other as we have different culture and religion but he was so close minded. He never appreciated my sacrifices. He just want me to change.Im so frustrated, exhausted and unhappy . I was trying to compromise everything. And if I don't follow what he wants, he says that I dont even listen to him which a wife should do. Now, he wants me to cut my communication with my male friends in social media which Ive known before I met him. One thing more, he always drags my family into our fight. He says I have same attitude with my mom. For the record, he hates my mom. Can someone give me any advice?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Amarah said:


> Im Christian married to a Muslim man... Can someone give me any advice?


Yup, realise that you have made a rather silly decision, seek annulment if possible, divorce if not, and find someone else more compatible.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Amarah said:


> Im Christian married to a Muslim man. Before our wedding, I made it clear to him that I will not convert to Islam and he agreed. We were so happy during our first year but things change after that. He demanded me to wear clothes from neck to toe (but not hijab) even during summer and we always argue because of that. I compromise by changing my clothing style but he wants more.Now, he wants me to use a shawl always. Another thing is the food. He dont want me to eat any food that theres no halal code in it. We cannot even eat out. I talked to him many times that we must understand each other as we have different culture and religion but he was so close minded. He never appreciated my sacrifices. He just want me to change.Im so frustrated, exhausted and unhappy . I was trying to compromise everything. And if I don't follow what he wants, he says that I dont even listen to him which a wife should do. Now, he wants me to cut my communication with my male friends in social media which Ive known before I met him. One thing more, he always drags my family into our fight. He says I have same attitude with my mom. For the record, he hates my mom. Can someone give me any advice?


Divorce, it will only get worse, then he may decide he wants to a marry another three women in accordance with his religion and make you wear niquab, no swimming, no going out side the home, etc. This is how it starts. He will erode your self confidence, undermine your individuality, erase your friendships, not allow you contact with your family whilst demanding complete obedience. By then you will only be a former shadow of yourself and too far gone to help. Get out now while you still can. 
There is a reason why he hates your mother, she can see right through him and probably didn't want you to marry him. He will make sure that your family will be cut out of your life also, This is just the beginning. I know if you were my daughter I would have done everything in my power to stop you marrying this man.
Love is blind but God gave you a brain, use it!
I live in a Muslim country and have witnessed too many cases similar to you. RUN!


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

You made an enormous mistake marrying a Muslim man honey. Get an annulment now. Don't waste your time thinking it will get better - it won't.

Get out now.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You have made a terrible decision, it will get worse and worse, especially when you have children. 

I have no idea why you married him. If you are at all serious about your faith, you should never marry outside it.

Sadly you should end this marriage now.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> You have made a terrible decision, it will get worse and worse, especially when you have children.
> 
> I have no idea why you married him. If you are at all serious about your faith, you should never marry outside it.
> 
> *Sadly you should end this marriage now*.


I know what you mean, but it would be sad if she stays.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

manwithnoname said:


> I know what you mean, but it would be sad if she stays.


Yes, it was sad that she thought it was a good idea to marry a muslim man. I don't know what women are thinking of when they do that, unless they are a repressed muslim lady.


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## Amarah (Apr 2, 2018)

My husband is kind and responsible. But when it comes to his belief, we always end up fighting because he insists on what he wants. He said that he thought he can change me. When we first met, he was so open minded about everything. He is loving and caring even until now. I know we have different religion but I chose to close my eyes with the reality. I still love him but Im unhappy and depressed.


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

I can't believe you thought this was going to work out or believed that he was going to be lenient in enforcement of his beliefs. There are no moderate muslims that live by western standards/principles. There will be fundamental incompatibility here that will not get resolved unless you give up all of your own values and submit to his 100%. If you're not willing to do this you need to end the marriage. Get out before he starts hitting you, which is perfectly acceptable in his religion to do to a disobedient wife. I'm an attorney and I've handled quite a few family cases involving Shariah law, which is law that your husband will consider higher than civil "man's" law.


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## Handy (Jul 23, 2017)

Amarah, this is only going to get worse. If you have kids and then divorce, I bet you will get no child support and maybe he will try to prevent you from even seeing your child.

The love you have for your H now is NOT going to sustain your relationship

Do both of you a favor. You need a H that fits your life style. Your H needs a subservient Muslim wife..


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Amarah said:


> My husband is kind and responsible. But when it comes to his belief, we always end up fighting because he insists on what he wants. He said that he thought he can change me. When we first met, he was so open minded about everything. He is loving and caring even until now. I know we have different religion but I chose to close my eyes with the reality. I still love him but Im unhappy and depressed.



Christians are told not to be with someone of another faith. How can light and dark mix? How can oil and water mix? 
It won't work. It will get worse. He may bring another wife or two into the marriage. He will expect children to be bought up as muslims. He will expect you to do everything he wants. He will not let you live you life. 
If he was kind and responsible, then he wouldn't treat you the way he is and try and change you.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Amarah said:


> My husband is kind and responsible. But when it comes to his belief, we always end up fighting because he insists on what he wants. He said that he thought he can change me. When we first met, he was so open minded about everything. He is loving and caring even until now. I know we have different religion but I chose to close my eyes with the reality. I still love him but Im unhappy and depressed.


No. Your husband was not open minded. He actively deceived you. How I know this is that he said he thought he could change you. That is a blatant admission that he was not open minded and this was his plan all along. He is not who you think he is. He is a liar and a controlling husband.

His behavior of trying to change you into someone else is abusive and as mentioned by @aine, he has a plan that he is implementing in order to wear you down and eventually control your entire life. You are in serious danger. Do not stay in denial of what is happening. Face the truth and RUN.

I am a Christian and I say RUN. You are being oppressed, which is a valid reason for divorce. If you stay, you are enabling his abusive behavior.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Amarah said:


> My husband is kind and responsible. But when it comes to his belief, we always end up fighting because he insists on what he wants. He said that he thought he can change me. When we first met, he was so open minded about everything. He is loving and caring even until now. I know we have different religion but I chose to close my eyes with the reality. I still love him but Im unhappy and depressed.


:rofl:

Loving and caring!

_"He demanded me to wear clothes from neck to toe (but not hijab) even during summer"
"He dont want me to eat any food that theres no halal code in it. We cannot even eat out."
"And if I don't follow what he wants, he says that I dont even listen to him which a wife should do."
"Now, he wants me to cut my communication with my male friends in social media which Ive known before I met him."_

Kind and responsible!

_"He was so close minded. He never appreciated my sacrifices. He just want me to change."
"Im so frustrated, exhausted and unhappy."
"I was trying to compromise everything."
"He always drags my family into our fight. He says I have same attitude with my mom. For the record, he hates my mom."_

You said yourself you are choosing not to accept the reality. You took a gamble and lost. But still haven't learnt your lesson.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

CynthiaDe said:


> No. Your husband was not open minded. He actively deceived you. *How I know this is that he said he thought he could change you. That is a blatant admission that he was not open minded and this was his plan all along. He is not who you think he is. He is a liar and a controlling husband.*
> 
> His behavior of trying to change you into someone else is abusive and as mentioned by @aine, he has a plan that he is implementing in order to wear you down and eventually control your entire life. You are in serious danger. Do not stay in denial of what is happening. Face the truth and RUN.
> 
> I am a Christian and I say RUN. You are being oppressed, which is a valid reason for divorce.* If you stay, you are enabling his abusive behavior.*


Damn right


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

It sounds like a classic example of the old bait-and-switch. Yeah, he was a tolerant guy before the wedding. Now it's a completely different story.

You have the freedom to choose - at least in my country (USA) - whether or not you want to worship a deity or not. That is one of our fundamental freedoms. And he has the audacity to tell you what you can and cannot believe? NOBODY CAN CONTROL YOU UNLESS YOU ALLOW THEM TO.

Your husband is NOT a nice man, nor is he kind, open-minded, or respectful to you. You think you are depressed now? Just try staying in the marriage. He will grind you down to nothing. Seriously.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> Christians are told not to be with someone of another faith. How can light and dark mix?


Paint. Makeup.



> How can oil and water mix?


Salad dressing.

This is not about religion. This is about a man who has married someone on false pretenses and is trying to control her.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> Christians are told not to be with someone of another faith. How can light and dark mix?.



It can, it’s called dusk.

I have friends who are moderate Muslims and they don’t force anything on anyone and lead a peaceful life. 
The problem is that this guy is controlling, not that he is Muslim.



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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

He probably thought that if he trapped you with marriage and promises (lies) he could eventually wear you down to comply with what he really wanted from you. In Islam, it is considered fine to lie to a non Muslim. It is called "taqiyya." (pronounced "tah kee yah, accent on the kee syllable.)

Here is a link explaining it

https://www.thereligionofpeace.com/pages/quran/taqiyya.aspx

Get out while you still can, and before he resorts to physical punishment, which is also allowed in Islam.

https://www.thereligionofpeace.com/pages/quran/wife-beating.aspx


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

NobodySpecial said:


> Paint. Makeup.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Amen  


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

Fry up a pound of bacon and tell him that you're not taking his controlling bull**** anymore and that he can either treat you as an equal or an ex. Tell him to wrap his controlling ass from head to toe like he's some kind of scary leper and see how he responds.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

This will only get worse; you need to get out now.

As another poster said, it has nothing to do with the fact that he is Muslim; it has everything to do with the fact that he is controlling and manipulative. In other words, he is an abuser. He would be this way regardless of your religion.

Formulate an exit strategy and get out ASAP.

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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

NobodySpecial said:


> This is not about religion. This is about a man who has married someone on false pretenses and is trying to control her.


It is about a religion that gives its practitioners permission to lie to non practitioners. Women in that religion are property, are supposed to be controlled, and are required to obey whatever the husband says. 

https://www.thereligionofpeace.com/pages/quran/taqiyya.aspx

https://www.thereligionofpeace.com/pages/quran/wife-beating.aspx


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Araucaria said:


> It is about a religion that gives its practitioners permission to lie to non practitioners. Women in that religion are property, are supposed to be controlled, and are required to obey whatever the husband says.
> 
> https://www.thereligionofpeace.com/pages/quran/taqiyya.aspx
> 
> https://www.thereligionofpeace.com/pages/quran/wife-beating.aspx


This is true, but there are degrees. Not all Muslims practice these teachings, but a significant portion of Muslims believe it is part of their religion. Look at countries that are predominantly Muslim. In those countries, women are second class citizens and are considered property. This is not an unusual situation.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

inmyprime said:


> It can, it’s called dusk.
> 
> I have friends who are moderate Muslims and they don’t force anything on anyone and lead a peaceful life.
> The problem is that this guy is controlling, not that he is Muslim.
> ...


Case in point. The Wicked witch of the steppes - AKA my late mother in law - was a devout Muslim. Her husband is not. She was a manipulative ace, but never used religion. 

The guy is a Bozo. But, nonetheless, it's a good idea to bail out very very carefully.


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## Amarah (Apr 2, 2018)

He said we will never be happy if I dont compromise. Now he is giving me a silent treatment. I dont even want to start any conversation. I still do my duties- cooking and preparing his lunch for work. I don't know what to do and where to start.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Amarah, everyone has told you point-blank what you must do. it is up to you whether you want to wallow and remain miserable or do something about it.
Which country do you live in? I am sure there are women's aid organizations who will help you formulate a plan to get out and move on.
He will continue to bully you and intimidate you till you give him what he wants.
Speak to your parents and siblings and do something about it. I know you got yourself into this, and they may not be helpful but do it now before you no longer have a family or friends because he will soon start to work on that also.
You said he is kind and responsible, NO, HE IS NOT. A man who is kind and responsible does not force his will on his wife, dictate what she wears, eats, who she communicates with, etc. Cant, you see that?


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Amarah said:


> But when it comes to his belief, we always end up fighting because he insists on what he wants. *He said that he thought he can change me.* When we first met, he was so open minded about everything. He is loving and caring even until now. I know we have different religion but I chose to close my eyes with the reality. I still love him but Im unhappy and depressed.


Can you get a recorder app on your phone then without his knowledge and record him saying that he married you under false pretenses thinking he was going to change you after the wedding? Focus on that.

That might be good information to use for an annulment, or a divorce.

He duped you. He is not the man he pretended to be. Giving you the silent treatment because you won't change is manipulative and abuse. Don't let him convince you that he is right and you are wrong.

You accepted his religion. Do you force him to eat pork? Probably not. You thought he would respect your culture and religion, and he is not.

He is not going to change. This is who he is. He will only get worse.

Can you move in with your family right away while you work on how to divorce him? You need to be away from him, as he is eroding your self esteem, courage, and he is attempting to isolate you from all your support groups.

You will end up a prisoner in your own home. Get out while you can. This is very serious.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Amarah said:


> Im Christian married to a Muslim man. Before our wedding, I made it clear to him that I will not convert to Islam and he agreed. We were so happy during our first year but things change after that. He demanded me to wear clothes from neck to toe (but not hijab) even during summer and we always argue because of that. I compromise by changing my clothing style but he wants more.Now, he wants me to use a shawl always. Another thing is the food. He dont want me to eat any food that theres no halal code in it. We cannot even eat out. I talked to him many times that we must understand each other as we have different culture and religion but he was so close minded. He never appreciated my sacrifices. He just want me to change.Im so frustrated, exhausted and unhappy . I was trying to compromise everything. And if I don't follow what he wants, he says that I dont even listen to him which a wife should do. Now, he wants me to cut my communication with my male friends in social media which Ive known before I met him. One thing more, he always drags my family into our fight. He says I have same attitude with my mom. For the record, he hates my mom. Can someone give me any advice?


Yes. You need to consider how bad he may become over time.

He is demanding that you disobey Jesus by eating "Halal" food. 



> Mark 7:19-21 New International Version (NIV)
> 19 For it doesn’t go into their heart but into their stomach, and then out of the body.” (In saying this, Jesus declared all foods clean.)
> 
> 20 He went on: “What comes out of a person is what defiles them. 21 For it is from within, out of a person’s heart, that evil thoughts come—sexual immorality, theft, murder...


https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Mark+7:19-21&version=NIV


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## PretzelLogic (Jan 16, 2018)

Amarah said:


> He said we will never be happy if *I * dont compromise.


Thats terrible, and really the crux of it all, isnt it?
If YOU dont compromise you both (the "we") will NEVER be happy...

One person can't compromise.
One person can ONLY give up what they value, or give into what they dont believe in this situation.

Furthest thing from compromise I could imagine...


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Amarah said:


> He said we will never be happy if I dont compromise. Now he is giving me a silent treatment. I dont even want to start any conversation. I still do my duties- cooking and preparing his lunch for work. I don't know what to do and where to start.


I'm all for compromise! BUT, if you have to compromise, he also has to. What is he compromising on?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

It sounds like you discussed this before you were married and said that you would not follow his religion. Maybe he thought you would still act as a traditional muslim wife even if you didn't convert, or maybe he changed his mind. Maybe you told him but he didn't listen.

In any case this is a fundamental divide between you. I think that you need to tell him in very clear terms that you do not plan to live as a muslim wife, and that if that is not OK with him, then you are both better off divorced. 

I don't see this as about a particular religion, but about someone who wants their spouse to follow their religious lifestyle. That is something that needs to be agreed before marriage. .


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Don’t get pregnant. 

If he has dual citizenship once the baby is born, he could go back to his home country with the baby. You would never see the child again unless you went there as well as the dutiful Muslim wife.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Amarah ;

Do you have a job outside the home? Or do you stay at home?

What do your mother and father say about all this?


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

.


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

Amarah said:


> Im Christian married to a Muslim man.


My wife's name is Ammara but she is Muslim. :wink2:



Amarah said:


> Before our wedding, I made it clear to him that I will not convert to Islam and he agreed. We were so happy during our first year but things change after that. He demanded me to wear clothes from neck to toe (but not hijab) even during summer and we always argue because of that. I compromise by changing my clothing style but he wants more.Now, he wants me to use a shawl always. Another thing is the food. He dont want me to eat any food that theres no halal code in it. We cannot even eat out. I talked to him many times that we must understand each other as we have different culture and religion but he was so close minded. He never appreciated my sacrifices. He just want me to change.Im so frustrated, exhausted and unhappy . I was trying to compromise everything. And if I don't follow what he wants, he says that I dont even listen to him which a wife should do. Now, he wants me to cut my communication with my male friends in social media which Ive known before I met him. One thing more, he always drags my family into our fight. He says I have same attitude with my mom. For the record, he hates my mom. Can someone give me any advice?


Since your husband agreed to not pressure you into embracing Islam before tying the knot, then he [should] stick by his word in this regard. 

However, certain aspects of your lifestyle such as your clothing-related preferences, eating habits and 'what kind of company to keep after marriage' - can be negotiated [outside] the bounds of faith for the sake of increased compatibility between you two since you two are miles apart in the core aspects of your beliefs otherwise.

I see no harm in 'respecting' the values of your husband unless he go overboard with his demands and does not take your _concerns_ into consideration. Marriage is about 'mutual understanding and compatibility' - not a one-sided affair. 

Your complaints suggest that you are not willing to compromise on the aforementioned aspects of your lifestyle out of the respect of your husband's values and his coercion is affecting you. This is not a good sign for your marriage. 

1. Do you consume pork? Is it your favorite? Can you drop it?
2. Your male friends causing issues? 

Your husband should go easy on your clothing-related preferences but 'male friends' can be a source of friction.

On the other hand;

3. Is your husband under influence of somebody or is he trying to rekindle his faith? 
4. Why your husband dislike your mom? 
5. Does your mom interfere in your relationship unnecessarily?

Your feedback is appreciated.


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## Amarah (Apr 2, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> @Amarah ;
> 
> Do you have a job outside the home? Or do you stay at home?
> 
> What do your mother and father say about all this?


I quit my job.
My mom and dad knew this would happen. My mom wants divorce and my dad is just waiting for my decision.


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## Amarah (Apr 2, 2018)

@LeGenDary_Man
I stop eating pork to respect my husband belief. We are not living in a Muslim Country so this includes EVERYTHING you see in a Grocery Store because he believes it has some pork fats on it. Even the chicken and beef, we must buy to the trusted halal store. Before,we can eat out anywhere but now, we cant even eat at Mcdonald,we only go to one restaurant which is halal of course. 

I don't have any issues with my male friends. Some of them are even married. We dont even chat. We just had a fight one day, and he brought up that I must delete them all because he does'nt even make female friends because thats not acceptable in their religion. He asks me what will I feel if he has female friends.

You're right.He is trying to rekindle his faith with the help of his family and his friends. Everynight he listens to their elders talks. He always tells me to read their Quran so I will understand. So I said you must read the Bible as well, he said he already know whats in the Bible coz its also in their Book. Then I refuse.


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

Amarah said:


> [MENTION=91297]
> I stop eating pork to respect my husband belief. We are not living in a Muslim Country so this includes EVERYTHING you see in a Grocery Store. Even milk, bread, everything coz it he believes it has some pork fats on it. Even the chicken and beef, we must buy to the trusted halal store. Before,we can eat out anywhere but now, we cant even eat at Mcdonald,we only go to one restaurant which is halal of course.
> 
> I don't have any issues with my male friends. Some of them are even married. We dont even chat. We just had a fight one day, and he brought up that I must delete them all because he does'nt even make female friends because thats not acceptable in their religion.
> ...


I understand. Sorry to see you in this situation. 

I would like to reason with your husband in a chatting session but I am not sure if he would be forthcoming. I am also a Muslim and therefore in a good position to reason with him.

Cross-culture marriage can work with reasonable understanding, IMO.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

You don't know this guy. Obviously, he is different than what you thought. 

Once he sees that you are not changeable, watch out. I would be fearful for your safety. That religion is ****ed up when it comes to a lot of things. Honour killings are not unheard of. If they will kill their own child, they won't think twice about killing a disobedient Christian wife.

Do not stay with him, and do everything to keep safe.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

The corollary to the story is that getting married to a woman from said cultural heritage is also risky. They have been preconditioned from birth to behave in specific ways and given the far fewer restrictions one encounters with a more western husband things would be great, right?

Not always, because in either case these preconditions are very difficult to get past regardless of gender. I'm an immigrant - westerner - myself and observed this return to heritage with my wife. Rules that applied to her at age 25 don't apply to her daughters at age 25. It's not a winnable situation.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

FeministInPink said:


> This will only get worse; you need to get out now.
> 
> As another poster said, *it has nothing to do with the fact that he is Muslim; it has everything to do with the fact that he is controlling and manipulative.* In other words, he is an abuser. He would be this way regardless of your religion.
> 
> ...





Amarah said:


> @LeGenDary_Man
> I stop eating pork to respect my husband belief. We are not living in a Muslim Country so this includes EVERYTHING you see in a Grocery Store because he believes it has some pork fats on it. Even the chicken and beef, we must buy to the trusted halal store. Before,we can eat out anywhere but now, we cant even eat at Mcdonald,we only go to one restaurant which is halal of course.
> 
> I don't have any issues with my male friends. Some of them are even married. We dont even chat. We just had a fight one day, and he brought up that I must delete them all because he does'nt even make female friends because thats not acceptable in their religion. He asks me what will I feel if he has female friends.
> ...


 As people get more serious about this religion they become more controlling, more exclusive, more isolated, and more VIOLENT, because their books teach violence against non Muslims, and women.

Your husband is already picking up on the controlling, exclusive and isolating aspects of Islam. Do not wait for him to be violent against you, and think he is justified to do so because:

1. You are not a Muslim
2. You are a woman
3. You are not obeying him
3. He is Muslim man, and believes because of the teachings of his religious books that he is superior to you.

Go home to your parents. They love you and I'm sure they miss you and are worried. They will be relieved and happy to have you home again, rather than trapped in that man's home for the rest of your life.

Don't read his book. His book is not accurate when it comes to what it says about Abraham, Ishmael, Isaac, and even Jesus. Tell him that you will read the real Bible to get the truth, and tell him that he should read the real Bible if he wants to know what it really says.

As you know, the Bible (Jesus) teaches love and forgiveness. His book, and Mohammed teach hatred and violence...unless you need to be nice (for a while) to get something you want.


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

@Amarah

- Can you identify some positive characteristics of your husband? 
- Does he listen to you? 
- Does he help you? 
- Does he fulfill your needs? 
- Do you experience completely peaceful (and romantic) days in your relationship?

It is important to understand what kind of person we are dealing with in this case. _*If*_ your husband is generally good to you and can be reasoned with, then your marriage is salvageable.



> He is trying to rekindle his faith with the help of his family and his friends. Everynight he listens to their elders talks. He always tells me to read their Quran so I will understand. So I said you must read the Bible as well, he said he already know whats in the Bible coz its also in their Book. Then I refuse.


A marriage in which 'outside influences' take hold, is bound to FAIL. 

His circle (friends and family) and your circle (friends and family) might turn your marriage into a ISLAM vs. CHRISTIANITY _slugfest_ which would be bad for your marriage in the end. 

You (and your husband) need to cultivate a relationship with mutual understanding of each other's values (and beliefs) instead of making it convenient for others to influence you and your husband. 

*1. Outside influences should be curtailed:*

FYI: https://www.focusonthefamily.com/ma...s-for-protecting-your-cross-cultural-marriage

*2. Acquire knowledge of Islamic teachings in regards to women and their rights in marriage:*

Since you married a Muslim guy, you need to do your homework; objective is to acquire a deeper understanding of the religion of your partner because _it_ will influence his decisions throughout the course of his life. *Same for your husband;* he should do his homework in regards to CHRISTIANITY. This homework should not be subject to conditions from either; it is for the benefit of your marriage and to understand your partner better.

Think about this matter in this way: if you marry a jew then it make sense to acquire an understanding of Torah and Jewish traditions. Similarly, if you marry a buddhist then it make sense to acquire an understanding of Buddhism and its traditions. This kind of knowledge is for YOUR benefit and compatibility-building.

Do not turn your marriage into a ISLAM vs. CHRISTIANITY _slugfest_ by your own had. Your marriage should be above these squabbles. 

Pointers:-

Surah an-Nisa* (Holy Quran): https://quran.com/4

*_This surah is about the rights of women and orphans._

https://backtojannah.com/rights-of-a-wife/
https://www.al-islam.org/introducti...lam-ayatullah-ibrahim-amini/mutual-rights-and
https://www.quora.com/Is-the-wearing-of-burka-burqa-required-in-the-Quran-or-the-Hadiths

If your homework in regards to Islamic teachings is good enough, nobody will be able to manipulate your husband in regards to his faith and outmaneuver you in this matter. You - as his wife - would be in the position to reason with him on the basis of your own knowledge when the need arises. 

*3. Cross-cultural relationship counseling*

FYI: https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/counsellor-articles/cross-cultural-relationships

Search for *cross-cultural relationship counseling* service near your location. 



> We are not living in a Muslim Country so this includes EVERYTHING you see in a Grocery Store because he believes it has some pork fats on it. Even the chicken and beef, we must buy to the trusted halal store. Before,we can eat out anywhere but now, we cant even eat at Mcdonald,we only go to one restaurant which is halal of course.


There is only one such restaurant near your home? Have you scouted for more?

Secondly, your husband's belief could be misplaced. You can check ingredients of any stuff in a Grocery Store and/or inquire about _pork-free meals_ in various restaurant. 

---

In the end, it is up to you to decide if you can manage this journey (or not); *cross-cultural relationship counseling* is worth a try before you pull the plug, IMO.


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## Ms. Hawaii (Mar 28, 2018)

@Amarah how are you?


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## Handy (Jul 23, 2017)

* Amarah
I stop eating pork to respect my husband belief. We are not living in a Muslim Country so this includes EVERYTHING you see in a Grocery Store because he believes it has some pork fats on it. Even the chicken and beef, we must buy to the trusted halal store. Before,we can eat out anywhere but now, we cant even eat at McDonald, we only go to one restaurant which is halal of course.*

I am of the belief that "made up crap IE doctrine" is bad for people. Halal is not scientific in today's world. My opinion about Kosher kitchens is the same. It is all superstition and does not have any scientific backing. It "might have been" a worthwhile practice a long time ago.

My point is why bother with something that makes life more complicated and has no scientific evidence. I bet the chemicals in some foods are worse for the human body than what is considered Halal but highly processed and contains chemicals that have long names and are hard to pronounce words on the ingredient list.

The universe and everything in it works on some scientific process. Discover the process, be it chemistry, psychology, economics, or some other field of study.

If I were you, I would leave now before it gets worse. The way things are heading, I only see misery in your future. Let your H have his fantasy life with someone that wants a fantastic life like his. 

I do not see any way, not even a small part you can fix in this marriage.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

LeGenDary_Man said:


> *_This surah is about the rights of women and orphans._
> 
> https://backtojannah.com/rights-of-a-wife/
> https://www.al-islam.org/introducti...lam-ayatullah-ibrahim-amini/mutual-rights-and
> ...


I respect you coming forward as a Muslim in this. However as I read those links, if the OP tries to study that, there's nothing she can use for her husband.

The first link quotes some verses from the Quran but others seem to be just additions - easily rebuked especially since her husband is much more knowledgeable.

The second link will only reinforce her husband's views if she tried to show him that:

Responsibilities of men:


> 4. Religious and Moral Guidance
> 
> Men are obligated to make provision for religious, ethical, and belief related issues of their wives. Either they must help them in this matter themselves, or they must provide the instruments for their learning. A man must be careful of his wife’s morality and conduct. He must encourage her to virtuous deeds and praiseworthy behavior and dissuade her from evil deeds and indecent behavior. In short, he must free her from the fires of Hell and invite her to Heaven.
> 
> ...


Responsibility of wives:


> In Hadith several issues are greatly emphasized:
> 
> 1. Obeying one’s husband in religiously permissible issues
> 2. Submission to one’s husband in sleeping together, sexual pleasure, and lovemaking; except where religiously prohibited
> ...


I'm sorry, but Islam and Christianity can NOT mix when one or more party is religious. A non-religious Muslim (i.e. one that doesn't really give a sh-t), sure, but her husband is obviously not one of them.

There is only one solution and I'm sure everyone already knows what it is by now.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Ursula said:


> I'm all for compromise! BUT, if you have to compromise, he also has to. What is he compromising on?



Good point. If you have to eat halal food, make sure he eats kosher food, as a compromise. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

inmyprime said:


> Good point. If you have to eat halal food, make sure he eats kosher food, as a compromise.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Pffft!

I'd say buy a pig as a pet!

And sing this song!






"If I had words to make a day for you, I'd sing you a morning, golden and true!
I would make this day last for all time! Give you a night deep in moonshine!"

*sings and dances* ^_^


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

LeGenDary_Man said:


> @Amarah
> 
> - Can you identify some positive characteristics of your husband?
> - Does he listen to you?
> ...


You are very tricky, trying to pretend that you are not partial, yet posting links that advise this Christian woman how to be a Muslim wife.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You made a mistake. He's not going to change. You have two choices: stay or go.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Amarah said:


> Im Christian married to a Muslim man. Before our wedding, I made it clear to him that I will not convert to Islam and he agreed. We were so happy during our first year but things change after that. He demanded me to wear clothes from neck to toe (but not hijab) even during summer and we always argue because of that. I compromise by changing my clothing style but he wants more.Now, he wants me to use a shawl always. Another thing is the food. He dont want me to eat any food that theres no halal code in it. We cannot even eat out. I talked to him many times that we must understand each other as we have different culture and religion but he was so close minded. He never appreciated my sacrifices. He just want me to change.Im so frustrated, exhausted and unhappy . I was trying to compromise everything. And if I don't follow what he wants, he says that I dont even listen to him which a wife should do. Now, he wants me to cut my communication with my male friends in social media which Ive known before I met him. One thing more, he always drags my family into our fight. He says I have same attitude with my mom. For the record, he hates my mom. *Can someone give me any advice*?


Yep you made a poor decision and he lied to you. Time to divorce this is only going to get worse. And please do NOT have kids with this man


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