# Is it appropriate?



## InquisitiveMan (Jan 10, 2013)

My wife of 5 years has been friends with a single man for about 15 years. He lives in a different state, but they talk and message each other often. I have never met him and he seems like a decent guy, but I've always thought he may have some feelings for her. Also, she is very attractive and has a very successful occupation.

Recently, I found out that he is buying her a Cartier bracelet with a some of his bonus. He is not rich by any means, but he does ok. They had a conversation though texts and my wife was really excited. He sent her a picture of it from the store and she was giving him the size she would want it in.

From my perspective, I find it inappropriate for him to be doing this. I know, if I was a single I would never buy a married woman really expensive jewelry. To me, I think it would be disrespectful to her husband and simply inappropriate.

I asked her about it and at first she said it was a joke. Then she said he got a big bonus and there is nothing wrong with it. I asked if the tables were turned if she had a problem with it and she said she wouldn't. 

What do you make of this? Am I right for expressing concern? 

Thanks!


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I wouldn't have had a problem with it if they've been friends for 15 years and you haven't had a reason to suspect their friendship was anything more than platonic. However, when she lied and said it was a "joke" that would give me reason to be concerned that she was NOT simply being platonic.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Yes, I agree it isnt appropriate. Its a nice gesture that as a friend he wants her to have something so nice, but since she is married, expensive jewelry isnt the way to go.


----------



## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

It is absolutely not appropriate. I don't think I've ever met an average guy (not rich) who did something like this and didn't expect it to have a romantic effect. "I did it because I love her as a friend". Doesn't that sound ridiculous coming from a guy? 

This is huge red flag and you need to start taking a closer look at their relationship. As KB said the joke comment was a huge tell. Time to set some boundaries and see what happens.


----------



## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

KathyBatesel said:


> However, when she lied and said it was a "joke" that would give me reason to be concerned that she was NOT simply being platonic.


Good call.



InquisitiveMan said:


> Also, she is very attractive and has a very successful occupation.


Don't forget to take into account the fact that he wants to get her naked when contemplating this.


----------



## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

I did not see anything inappropriate until you mentioned the gift....and then you mention the lie. Tell her if it is not a big deal, then don't accept it. The only jewelry a married woman should recieve from another man is from her husband or family.

You now have red flags....I would start searching for more info.


----------



## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

It's inappropriate. She's married. 

Time to go into "trust but verify" mode. Cartier bracelet = red flag. Look at the content of her texts and emails. Just to make sure. You never know.


----------



## DangerousCurves (Jul 18, 2012)

I recommend the book - Not "Just Friends"


----------



## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I'm not good at sharing my partner with other women in any capacity so I wouldn't even be comfortable with the friendship that involves messaging and emails plus the fact that I'd be suspicious that I had been married to someone for 5 years without having met this wonderful friend.Then if that friend bought my partner some expensive jewelry??That would be the end of the friendship right there.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

I'd put it in a box and send it right back with a note "I'm a little newer in so & so's life than you. Lets keep things comfortable between us. Don't send *my wife* gifts". 

But that's just me.


----------



## InquisitiveMan (Jan 10, 2013)

As someone who has never used forums for relationships, this is great. Thank you all for your replies.


----------



## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

I don't know what world you're living in because nobody in my world is rocking Cartier anything. But inmy world that would be a big he!l no! No to the bracelet but no to the "friendship" also
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Way inappropriate.


----------



## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Cartier white gold "love" bracelet on EBAY for $4,800:

Authentic Cartier 18K White Gold Love Bangle Bracelet Size 19 | eBay

OP -

How does she know this man? Former boyfriend/lover/co-worker/family friend/neighbor ?

Has he been single the entire 15 yrs. of their friendship? and if so why do you think? How old is he?

Because they are friends living so far apart, what kind of friendship do they have? Visits/emails/phone calls/texts?

Have you historically been okay with this friendship & has he given her gifts in the past?


----------



## InquisitiveMan (Jan 10, 2013)

She met him while they were both in college.

He has had girlfriends, but he has never been married.

They are both the same age.

They talk though texts and phone calls.

I've been okay with the friendship, partly because of the distance. However, I've always had suspicions of his intentions seeing how she's married and he's in constant contact. I just wish that she could step back and see that maybe his intentions aren't simply to have a friendship. But rather, maybe the friendship is what he maintains in order to stay close.


----------



## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

In light of Emerald posting the price:take the gift,sell it and use the money to take your wife on vacation.Send vaca pics to "friend" and say "thanks for the overpriced piece of jewelry for my WIFE,we had an amazing time on our second honeymoon bc of it"


----------



## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

Sorry....I'm struggling with your statement: I know him but I've never MET him! Exactly how well do you know him? 

Yes, this is VERY inappropriate!!? Does He has a gf (other than your wife, of course)? If so, then he needs to spend the $$ on her instead. I have male friends, too, but NONE of them have ever bought me jewelry; if they did, I'd refuse it as it represents more than friendship IMO.


----------



## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

If he is such a close friend to her and has this kind of money how is it possible that he wasn't at her wedding? Something is very off here and I would put an end to it.


----------



## Cdelta02 (Sep 20, 2012)

Looks like he is single because he couldnt marry her. Thats the only way in which a single man gives a married woman such an expensive gift. Because he knows there wont be anyone else.

Tread carefully bud, this doesnt look good.


----------



## Cdelta02 (Sep 20, 2012)

Are you aware of the content of all their conversations? If not, put a logger on her PC and a voice activated recorder in the room she chats from.


----------



## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

Has she ever taken a trip business or personal without you? Does she guard her phone? There is something really off about all of this and I agree you need to look into it. Have you ever seen their texts or emails to each other?


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

No man talks to a woman or buys her a gift without wanting a sexual relationship.

I think you should expect 100% committment to your marriage and tolerate or accept nothing else.


----------



## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

I think the ONLY man I'd not have an issue with buying my wife a Cartier bracelet would be her father. Even then I'd rather see it go to our kids.

Sorry single men buying expensive gift......Yeah he likes her.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

InquisitiveMan said:


> I've been okay with the friendship, partly because of the distance. However, I've always had suspicions of his intentions seeing how she's married and he's in constant contact. I just wish that she could step back and see that maybe *his intentions aren't simply to have a friendship. But rather, maybe the friendship is what he maintains in order to stay close.*


The bold text is what this is all about. 

Consciously or unconsciously romance is always an option for OSF. 

He is keeping her in his life as an option that might work out one day. He is making a bold statement by the enormity of the gift. He could have been innocuous by buying something as small as a book or CD but he didn't. This is the type of keepsake that lovers wear to remind themselves of how special their relationship is.


----------



## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Cake eaters...


----------



## seasalt (Jul 5, 2012)

It's wrong and inappropriate on his part but far more troubling is her response. Somehow get in touch with this guy and let him know that you don't want him buying your wife any gifts. Don't ask your wife if you should or could just do it.


----------



## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Yeah. Protect your territory.


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

OK so I won't even read the rest of the thread to tell you this:

NO WAY, NO HOW is this appropriate!

If a "friend" of my wife made a gesture even CLOSE to this, I would tell her that she would need to cease all contact with this "friens" because he is not a friend to the marriage!

STRANGER DANGER!


----------



## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

InquisitiveMan said:


> My wife of 5 years has been friends with a single man for about 15 years. He lives in a different state, but they talk and message each other often. I have never met him and he seems like a decent guy, but I've always thought he may have some feelings for her. Also, she is very attractive and has a very successful occupation.


I think you made a mistake 5 years ago for allowing this "friendship" to continue in the first place after your marriage. Question for you: Do they meet regularly in person? If so, even a bigger issue.



InquisitiveMan said:


> Recently, I found out that he is buying her a Cartier bracelet with a some of his bonus. He is not rich by any means, but he does ok. They had a conversation though texts and my wife was really excited. He sent her a picture of it from the store and she was giving him the size she would want it in.


Please forgive my bluntness but what guy drops this kind of coin on a woman he's not having sex with (or wants to have sex with)?



InquisitiveMan said:


> From my perspective, I find it inappropriate for him to be doing this. I know, if I was a single I would never buy a married woman really expensive jewelry. To me, I think it would be disrespectful to her husband and simply inappropriate.


Your damn right it's disrespectful. Have you told your wife that you feel you are being disrespected? Better yet, have you called this ass clown and told him not to send it? If not, why?



InquisitiveMan said:


> I asked her about it and at first she said it was a joke. Then she said he got a big bonus and there is nothing wrong with it. I asked if the tables were turned if she had a problem with it and she said she wouldn't.


A joke? That's a lie. 
She wouldn't mind if the tables were turned? Another lie.



InquisitiveMan said:


> What do you make of this? Am I right for expressing concern?
> 
> Thanks!


You have a right to be concerned. You also have a right to ask your wife not to accept this gift because it's not just a token gift. It's expensive and gives the appearance of a deeper relationship or feeling, even if it's only on his side. It's not appropriate and if she accepts it over your objections, she considers your feelings inconsequential.


----------



## humanbecoming (Mar 14, 2012)

OP, do YOU buy gifts like this for your wife?

Here's the scenario I'm seeing:

Wife: (wearing new jewelry around friends) 

Friends: "wow, gorgeous! Who gave you that?"

Wife: "oh, so and so.... We've been friends for years"

Friends: "friends, huh? Nudge nudge, wink, wink, snicker.... Is he cute?"


Sorry.... Women look to men as providers, which is where the whole notion of giving gifts in the first place comes from- the biological need to show you can provide.

Just him offering this has knocked you down a step, whether she will admit it or not.... 
I wouldn't be surprised if her sex drive increases once she gets this, and contact with him increases as well, subconsciously, the courtship has begun once she agreed to accept this gift.


----------



## InquisitiveMan (Jan 10, 2013)

humanbecoming said:


> OP, do YOU buy gifts like this for your wife?
> 
> Here's the scenario I'm seeing:
> 
> ...


I have bought her very nice jewelry among other things. I was actually wondering the same thing about if someone commented on the bracelet. Wouldn't it sound a bit odd for a married woman to say "Oh, yeah. My friend gave this to me." If I heard that, it would start making me question the person.


----------



## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

I think it is very inappropriate.


----------



## stopandmakecoffee (Jan 2, 2013)

did your wife actually get the bracelet, or not?
does she wear it or return it?

if she didn't actually get the bracelet, it is an inside joke between them. or her 'BFF' is gay.gay knows better about how to treat their lady friends than straight guys.gays are girls' best friends.

if she actually got the bracelet AND wears it everyday, there's your red flag.

some things i'd like to ask:
1. do they meet frequently?if they don't,why worry?

2. she told you from the beginning that they were friends for 15 years.that's friendship. i have them too, and i never cheated.does she tell you everything, and by everything i mean everything about this male friend? did she show you her chatlogs/text/emails/facebook message from him? if she did, you have nothing to worry about.

3. you bought her jewelry, he got her jewelry. apparently, jewelry is her thing. a friend's buying friend something she likes, i don't think that matters.i've been in the same situation. my BFF [a guy,single, never been married, and we've been friends for years] got me a rare action figure for my birthday and i did let my H [now STBXH] know because there was really nothing between me - the BFF.

don't get paranoid. sit down, talk, and include her BFF by skype, perhaps? ask them what's going on, tell them it makes you feel uncomfortable because it's inappropriate for you. if he's a good friend and care about her well being, he'll understand.if he's being defensive, that's your alert.

do not opt for divorce just yet.talk, discuss, resolve the problem will be a wise move.

JMO


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Inquisitive, 

It's time to start searching out some of the reads on relationships. 

I'd sugest "Not Just Friends" and "His Needs, Her Needs". These should give you an idea about the dynamics of what is at play. 

There are plenty more a newbie should become familiar with, but that's a start. Welcome.


----------



## galian84 (May 7, 2012)

Great advice. I would say you have a right to be concerned. I know I'd be very uncomfortable accepting a gift, especially one that expensive, from a man I just consider a "friend". Even if I'd known him for years. 

The only men I'd be comfortable accepting that from is my SO or the men in my family (father, brother, uncles, etc).


----------



## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

It's not just a piece of jewelry...we're talking around $5000, right? That's a helluva friendship!


----------



## Malcolm38 (Dec 25, 2012)

I'd make sure to send the gift back to Loverboy and tell him to find someone else to romance.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

InquisitiveMan said:


> mI was actually wondering the same thing about if someone commented on the bracelet. Wouldn't it sound a bit odd for a married woman to say "Oh, yeah. My friend gave this to me." If I heard that, it would start making me question the person.


 This is the reason that it is inappropriate. No matter how much she denies it, some people with think that the other man (OM) is her lover and think that you are a fool for allowing this. Thus ever time that she wears it she will be diminishing you and your marraige in the eyes of others. And no matter how hard we try to say otherwise, what our friends and family think of us really does matter. BTW, there will be other men that will be tempted to pursue your wife with the belief that she is open to cheating.

Add to the above the fact that this gift shows that your wife and the other man are more than just friends and you have a real problem in your marraige. The fact that your wife does not see this means that she may already be in an emotional affair (EA) fog.


----------

