# Wife wants to do the divorce ourselves. No lawyers.



## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Talked to my wife last night about specifics on our assets, debt, type of custody,etc. She has not spoken with a lawyer and really has done little homework on the whole divorce process. She just wants this to be done with no bad blood so to speak. She wants to save money by trying to do this ourselves. I told her there are some things we might have to get certain people involved, but I wasn't sure exactly who at this point. She had no problem with:
1. Giving me the house. If I sell it, any profit from it is split 50/50.
2. Child/marital support. She is currently on unemployment and her dad is helping me out. I trust her dad that he will not change his tune.
3. Home assets I keep unless there is anything I don't want.
4. My school loan debt is around 12 grand. She said would 50/50 be ok and I said I would think about it. 
And finally, and the biggest negotiation we had was the kids. She misses them terribly. She mentioned joint custody and I said I was fine with that. But I mentioned primary custody and she didn't know what that was. So I explained the kids would reside with me and visit her during vacation/holiday time. I could tell this part hurt her. I told her this is the reality with the kids. She's living in another state! She is hoping to find a job with the school district so she will have more time off with the kids. 
She said she wants them Thanksgiving most of the time and doesn't care for X-mas. They can stay with me. She never has liked X-mas. 
The part we struggled with agreement a bit was the length of time the kids spent with her during the summer. That's assuming she has summers off. She asked for the majority of summer, 2 months. I told her that's an awful long time. I feel confident we will work something out there.
The last thing she mentioned was if the kids decided they want to live there. I laughed. We then discussed about the mental-well being of the kids and if either one of them suddenly is not doing well here in my hometown and their child counselor decides its best for them to live with her for a time, would I be ok with that? I said it will depend on a lot of things. But I want what's best for the kids.
My wife cried during this time. I think she realizes that she can't have her cake and eat it too. I told her the only way to see her kids more often was to move back down here, and she said that isn't happening. I told her it's her choice, but she'll have to live with it.

So? Do I need a lawyer? Can this process be done easier???


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

I have a lawyer and my stbx lives 1/2 mile away, but with the OW. I am asking for sole custody... probably won't get it, but I do expect primary physical custody and visitation for him NOT at his place with OW. Sorry... I think that is totally inappropriate for my girls to have to see him shacking up with the woman who helped destroy our marriage. 

I also make a significant amount more money than he does, so no way am I going without a lawyer.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Hell yes you need a lawyer!

Once her pain has subsided, anger will set in and you will have nothing. I can almost promise you that once she gets mad, she's going to get a lawyer who's sole purpose in life is to make you broke and alone.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Yes. You need a lawyer. If you can keep things amicable with your stbx, your lawyer won't cost much. You could get out for as little as a few hundred dollars. But an experienced divorce lawyer will be invaluable for explaining what you are entitled to and what you need to consider.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Yes you need a lawyer,me specially since she has not contributed or held true to any agreement you have made with her. After all huge is still tslking to the 
OM and likely still cheating. You cannot trust her, that's why you need the lawyer to construct a divorce agreement that protects you and the kids and has enforceable responsibilities in it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

The ex and I worked out our agreement thru a mediator, which is what a court in TX will require you to do even if you first present your case to them. 
A judge is going to go by what the Standard Order is for Family Law and you had best familiarize yourself with every aspect of it, rather than think hes going to give a rats-ass about what time frames you and your ex want with the kids. 
It CAN be done without a lawyer, but the work you need to put into finding out whats going to be acceptable to a judge, who will review your agreement and weigh it against the standard order, with the false pretense of "whats best for the kids" being slung about, will be of paramount importance. Texas Family law code is posted on the states website, and its lengthy. 
You have to understand what each parent's rights are first, before you can deviate. 
Once those touchy issues like custody, and money come into play, alllllllll bets are off, and you will either need a mediator who is a lawyer but acting impartial, or will need a lawyer to represent you in the mediation process.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Texas Constitution and Statutes - Home

Theres the link, ,, get to reading, because THATS what the judge will base all decisions on regardless of your agreement.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

I just spoke with my father in law. He talked to her today and told me he thinks a lawyer would be best to help with the fine details, etc. He has tried over the last year to keep our marriage together despite knowing his daughter screwed up and was in the fog. So I know he wants what is best. He doesn't think his daughters' idea of doing it ourselves is the best thing.


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## I_Will_Survive (Oct 28, 2011)

Not having gone thru the process yet myself, I can't REALLY say, but there is a company called NOLO press (NOLO.com) that has do-it-yourself legal information -- books, forms, and sometimes online services. Very reasonable prices and helpful info. I've used their stuff to set up companies, but not (yet) for divorce.

Divorce lawyers are incredibly expensive -- at least where I live.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

There you go, the Internet (us on tam) and you FIL agree, and we disagree with your WW we must be right.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

I think that if you're dealing with property, debt, custody, child support and out-of-state residency/visitation....you've gone way past a do-it-yourself filing. I'm not even sure that you're eligible for it with all of those confounding issues.

You can likely economize by coming to terms on what you'd both be willing to work with, but as others mentioned, you're still subject to state statutes. More importantly, I think that having someone who has the experience to look out for your best interest down the line is a good idea as well.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I did my own divorce without lawyers but it was also very simple because my ex and I did not own any property together (no house, no land, etc) everything we did have such as household furnishings was divided up when he moved out (he took his clothes and a tv, I kept everything else.) We had 2 cars, mine and his, so no fighting over that. We worked out a fair visitation schedule, I wrote up all the paperwork myself (I do have a law degree but I am not a lawyer) we both went before the judge, the judge asked us if we both agreed to the terms of the divorce, we said we did and it was over. I was divorced within 2 weeks of filing. A divorce can be done without lawyers but tread very carefully. Do not agree to anything you feel uncomfortable about.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

I have decided to hire my lawyer to help with the specifics, things both my wife and I would probably be unaware of during the process, and most importantly knowing that I'm not screwing myself by giving away too much. I had my first meeting with my kids soon to be child therapist. She was awesome and she listened to my story about the infidelity and my wife leaving and what effect it has had on my kids. She's totally in my corner on this one. When I told her that my wife might want the kids all summer because she never gets to see them, she said hell no. She said normally it's 7 weeks at the most. She said for me to stand my ground and to not enable her or give her too much. She feels that's all she has ever known her life.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

michzz said:


> I would be uncomfortable with her taking them out of the state for an extended period of time if I were you.
> 
> Lawyer up but do not throw that in her face. Do not telegraph your tactics and strategies to protect your kids and yourself.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

This is why its extremely important to have the temporary child custody order signed by a judge as soon as possible. Without a custody order, possession is nine tenths of the law. I don't know how many people that I've had to tell people that over the phone.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You can do it all yourselves----go to your closest county courthouse, and pick up the blank divorce packet, and custody packet----and the 2 of you can sit down together, fill them out, and file the paperwork------

1st you go on line, and find texas family law codes---and look at every single code that refers to property, divorce, custody, and everything else you think is pertinent----its all there---that's where an atty. would go!!!!!


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## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

I didnt read the whole thread but here is my .02 . Divorcing with the use of a good mediator will save you tons of money. Round numbers i have been given, 2-3000 with a mediator 20,000 - 100,000 with lawyers. If it is amicable and you can agree that is when a mediator is worth it. A mediator, a paralegal will know the laws. 
There is a book on Controlled Seperation that describes how to have a more amicable divorce.

Good luck.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

disbelief said:


> I didnt read the whole thread but here is my .02 . Divorcing with the use of a good mediator will save you tons of money. Round numbers i have been given, 2-3000 with a mediator 20,000 - 100,000 with lawyers. If it is amicable and you can agree that is when a mediator is worth it. A mediator, a paralegal will know the laws.
> There is a book on Controlled Seperation that describes how to have a more amicable divorce.
> 
> Good luck.


The thing is he cannot take any chances at all that he will lose primary custody of his children. STBXW is an unfit parent who will be thousands of miles away. If at all possible I would try to keep from having to send them to MINN at all.

A friend of mine is having to drive from Louisville to Hilton Head every mo. Ex also has to make opposite trip every mo. Just money down the drain. Custody every 2 weeks.


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## Bartimaus (Oct 15, 2011)

OP do a dissolution and you do all the paperwork.
If she is being honest and you agree to what she wants then she should have no problem at all with you writing it all up in your words. But the judges are skilled at recognising wrongs and schemes so if you try that the judge will bring it to her attention. You two agree on what you want and you write it up on the dissolution papers,let her and her friends or relatives read it and go file it.


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## hurtnohio (Jul 17, 2011)

My counselor / coach also does mediation. She recommends you both get a lawyer, and tell them you want to try mediation. Work out all the details with the mediator, then submit the final plan to your respective lawyers to ensure your interests are protected. You'll still have lawyers' fees, but it will just be at the front and back ends of the divorce process. The nitty-gritty details can be worked out with a mediator. As long as both of you are willing to find an agreement that is mutually beneficial to you and the kids.

Not sure I'd recommend going this completely alone. There are too many pitfalls and landmines that could get you. Your assets are one important, but remember that how things pan out here could help determine your kids' futures! Don't try to skimp on working out the details of your kids' lives!


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

I will get my lawyer involved, but I will make it clear I want to go through mediation first. My wife also brought up doing this as a "no-fault" divorce. It surprised me a bit that she brought this up. Not sure if she thought this was a strategy or what. I told her here in Texas, it's a no-fault state and most divorces are handled this way anyways.
She doesn't care for the material things and that's fine with me. She is fine with paying child support too. The only little bump I foresee that is gonna take some convincing is the time the kids spend with her during the summer. She wants like 10-12 weeks. LOL. I am thinking 6 weeks. My family therapist that I went to see last week said 7 weeks tends to be the MAX.


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## InFlux (Oct 30, 2011)

You might want to consider "bird nesting" if you can swing it. Basically instead of throwing the kids around from house to house like a frisbee, you two become the frisbees instead and the kids stay put in the family home. Doing it this way means that the place you get for yourself can be very small (even a 1 bedroom place) since the kids don't have to stay there. For visitation schedule you can do something like 2-2-3 (you stay in house M-Tu, STBX W-Th, you F-Su, STBX M-Tu, you W-Th, STBX F-Su, etc.) This has a lot of advantages for everybody. The kids lives aren't as radically changed since they stay in the same house, go to the same school, have the same friends, etc. You see the kids the same amount of time (50/50) but more often in the sense of less time apart (2-3 days vs. 1 week). When you're away you have your own place which makes things much easier for pursuing your next relationship and sorting yourself out. About the only downside is that you have to be able to swing two small places for you and the STBX instead of one. You also have to be on good enough terms to be able to come together on the plan...Long term this might not work but I'd highly consider for the first year or two while everyone "adjusts" to the new reality and figures things out...


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## Shane Jimison (Sep 1, 2011)

Divorce can be done mutually without the help of any lawyer if your wife wants to save money and want to make divorce yourself. You can do this in an easier manner. You can apply for mutual divorce by signing legal agreement and dividing you assert between you both.


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

Are the kids willing to spend the majority of their summer vacation with her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

My husband and his ex had an agreement that the children spend most of the summers with their mother. She had walked out on the family and moved to another state. It's a situation similar to yours. 

My H had joint legal custody and sole physcial custody wiht her having visitation rights. 

We hated it. My H and I married in 2000 when the children were 10/11. They spent every summer, the entire summer, with their mother. There was only one summer when we were able to have them at all.. for 2 weeks. So we were the mean parents to made them go to school, made them clean their rooms, etc etc. She was the good parent who got to spend summer vacation having fun with the kids.

I would at least make it that you had the right to two weeks or so for a family summer vacation with our children. If you do not do this you will miss the fun of having summer vacations with your children.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

I'm sorry to hear what your summers were like, but it doesn't surprise me how a child would react to the two very different circumnstances (vacation vs school). As an educator, I have summers off which would allow me the best opportunity to spend vacation time with the kids while my STBXW has a year-round job. Not sure how she'll take care a D10 and a S5 while she's at work for 2 months. But I'm gonna make sure I have the kids for a portion of summer too. Thanks for planting that seed in my brain.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

Houstondad said:


> So? Do I need a lawyer? Can this process be done easier???


I'd agree to just about all of that without a lawyer.

EXCEPT the marital support part. Either she drops the stupid alimony idea, or you suggest getting separate attorneys.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

On the topic of student loans. I believe that student loans are generally considered seperate debt in divorce. You might want to discuss this with your attorney.


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## OhhShiney (Apr 8, 2011)

Your situation cries out for a lawyer for each of you. Your situation with the kids and the finances sounds complicated and could blow up. At some point you will have to convince a judge that child custody and assets/debts are being handled fairly. That description has to seem clearly equitable ensure that the needs of all involved are being met. Any time anyone is making what a judge might see as major concessions it could get messy. 

My ex and I were able to avoid lawyers because our child was grown, we had no debts, and we could describe how we split up the real estate and bank accounts in three sentences even a lawyer could not argue with. 

I hope all works out well in the long run. It's not an easy process.


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