# A Rock and a Hard Place



## Mrs Q (Feb 1, 2011)

My H's choices of how he runs one of his businesses has caused our marriage serious dammage. He persuades girls between the ages of 18 and 28 to work special events distributing ice cream in trade for notariaty as a promo girl on his website and free stuff like concert tickets and surf/skate/snow apparel. He is always providing booze when they are "working." He has more than crossed the line in the past, and I've told him this is a deal breaker. We still argue about this like every other month. His connection with his girls has always been this wierd secret thing with him. I've told him if you have to hide it, you shouldn't be doing it. I've waited month after month, that has now become years waiting for him to grow up. I have become the super sleuth because it drives me crazy that he is up to something. I'm over the old stuff, but he still is as shady as ever and I don't trust him at all. He feels as if I should trust him - like he's such a better guy now, but I don't take him seriously when he still has the cel number in his phone for the masseuse that has given happy endings among other things. He won't give it up and I won't tollerate it. How do I resolve this? Emotionally I would not have a hard time leaving him, but I would rather work it out. We have two daughters ages 12 and 14, and I'm not sure what is the best thing for them. We have had some devistating losses already. My Mom died in '05, my Dad in '07 and my sister this past June. I really don't have much of a support system and my H knows this. What do I do?


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

OK - when you say "his" girls - you mean these girls that work for him, right?

You may only have two real choices. If you've discussed it before and nothing changes, leave him or learn to live with it...


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

You put forth an ultimatum and you stand by it

"Me or continuing to act inappropriately with women"

if he agrees it's you then you demand complete transparency and you verify it with VAR's and keyloggers and such
you also need to get true remorse as to what he's done to the marriage- he needs to own the damage that he has caused

if he chooses to keep the young girls then you file for D as you have already lost him anyways and you don't have someone willing to work on the marriage- it can't be done from one side only

I suggest you ask this to be moved to coping with infidelity and also click my newbie link


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## Mrs Q (Feb 1, 2011)

Thank you. I will. I am really concerned about the impact on my girls. They are nutty enough with all of their hormones! But seriously, for their age they have experienced some great losses. I was very close to my parents. I was devistated. My girls had to find a way to handle their own grief, but also had to watch how it all affected me. It can be hard when faced with things in life that you can't fix and this will be one more. I feel like an old pro at dealing with death now, but there was a time where I just felt like shattered glass. My girls had to watch all of it. It changed us all.


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## Mrs Q (Feb 1, 2011)

I totally get the need to follow through on the ultimatum. My H thinks he has changed his behavior enough that I should be satisfied. Yes, he is not hooking his promo girls up to win bikini contests, and taking them to dinner and a show like he used to, but he still like covets them. He thinks its a guy thing and it doesn't matter because he loves me but they are just the flavor of the month. I don't have any experience with divorce. I don't know how to do it and what the impact will be. I know I won't get a re-do. I want to get it right.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

what better way to show your girls what a strong woman can do than by standing up for yourself?


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## Mrs Q (Feb 1, 2011)

Absolutely - I am strong. I am a survivor. I will survive this. I am cautious to villify my H to the girls. My H broke the contract with me, my H has failed to make the proper concessions with me. I read your post about being in limbo forever. That resonated with me. My priority is my girls. It keeps me here. Is having the docs drawn up and giving them to my H in an effort for him to understand that this is an all or nothing deal? Do I wait 6 years?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Mrs Q said:


> Absolutely - I am strong. I am a survivor. I will survive this. I am cautious to villify my H to the girls. My H broke the contract with me, my H has failed to make the proper concessions with me. I read your post about being in limbo forever. That resonated with me. My priority is my girls. It keeps me here. Is having the docs drawn up and giving them to my H in an effort for him to understand that this is an all or nothing deal? Do I wait 6 years?


who said you have to vilify him? You can state that their father still loves them and that you still love them very much and that this has nothing to do with them. When they get older (I dont know their ages), you can explain in more detail if they ask.

Now presenting papers may put him in shock enough for him to realize how serious you are and then what's needed to keep you. BUT do know that he may just either agree and try to keep it more secret (in which case you continue with the D process) or actually say, "okay, let's divorce". But know that if he does then you are just merely in a sham of a marriage and it's best to put it to bed.

I also think that if you do put the D papers on the table but do nothing about t if he doesn't comply will be a VERY dangerous precedent. Empty threats will always bite you in the ass.


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## Mrs Q (Feb 1, 2011)

I am ok with the decision of going through with D.

The thing about the danger of making an empty threat is key. That is a notible component to getting the timing right.

Great advice. Thank you!


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