# 2 weeks in, possible state lines dividing us.



## knowfiguy (Mar 13, 2014)

Hey all,

Last spring my wife told me she was unhappy and wanted a divorce. This board and you folks kept me from completely unraveling. A week later she said she wanted to keep trying. fast forward to the start of 2015, we've moved from MN to IA so my wife could take a promotion at work. 

over a week ago, after a spat about money she told she was done and couldn't handle it anymore. While its not what I want at all. I want to be a family, if not for me, but for my two small children. She wants to do a separation and see how we both feel. I do want to note that after dealing with this last year I almost feel hardened to this and it hurts but not like last time. hopefully that's not me not caring as much, I don't know.

We have a lease In Iowa until fall, and there will be no open positions in MN for her to move into until Spring/Summer. This means we will be living together in a small townhome until then. We get by, were fairly amicable. But I feel like the sooner we can be away from each other and find out whats its like the better. Less chance for arguments and resentment. Plus its soo damn confusing when we have a good day.

Yesterday she gave me the option to move back to MN, and she would have a roommate(would be a female co-worker, or her gay friend) move in to cover expenses. I would only have to help with daycare in IA. Then we would each have the kids a week then shuttle them back and fourth. I'm struggling with this immensely I have no idea what to do.

For one the kids, I am not prepared to go a week without my kids, I love them to death and spend every day with them. Secondly, she's not positive she wants divorce but I feel like living 300 miles away from each other might hinder the possibility of reconciliation. If she decides to consider it maybe after she misses me.

She will be moving back to MN when she finds a position and maybe waiting til then for any chance at a R is what it takes IDK. Just looking for advice, or if anyone's been in a similar situation.


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

Is it possible for you to rent a small apartment in IA until fall? At least to be in the area as your kids?


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## knowfiguy (Mar 13, 2014)

Jane139 said:


> Is it possible for you to rent a small apartment in IA until fall? At least to be in the area as your kids?


Hi Jane, we talked about this but my issue is I dont want to get stuck into another lease, when its possible she could have a job in MN within 2-3 months.

I'm not even sure I could afford it, my plan in MN was to room with friend or family. They've all offered to let me save some cash for a place.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Sorry you are going through this and your children are going to be living in a broken home. Is your wife seeing someone else? There must be something else going on, I can't imagine why she would break up your family over one argument. Seems she is being selfish and not thinking about what is best for your children.

Why does she want to move back to MN? She should stay where she is, she has a job stop uprooting the children and then you can rent an apartment there is she is sure she wants to go through with the divorce. Don't move, and abandon your children, they need you especially now. Being apart is not good for your marriage, it will just increase the chances of one of you meeting someone else and never getting back together. Shuttling your children back and forth is a bad idea, kids need stability. Stay in the house with her and work on your marriage.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

I agree with Happily Married. All this uprooting of the kids moving back and forth cannot be good at all. The three top stressors in life are death, divorce and moving. Your poor kids are getting (possibly) two of the three.

If she's only going to be there 2-3 more months, personally I would just stay put in the townhouse. You've stated that things are amicable. So, suck it up, give each other space and time to be alone in the house -- when you're there, she can go out for a few hours, and vice-versa. Let the kids share a room with bunk beds if necessary and you set up a spare room for yourself.

Start doing the 180 while you're living there. You don't have to do "family dinners" and TV night every night. One of you can hang out in your own room while the other has time with the kids.


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## knowfiguy (Mar 13, 2014)

Happilymarried25 said:


> Sorry you are going through this and your children are going to be living in a broken home. Is your wife seeing someone else? There must be something else going on, I can't imagine why she would break up your family over one argument. Seems she is being selfish and not thinking about what is best for your children.


 We've always had financial differences, and after financial hell the last handful of years in our marriage I told her I was done letting that be the norm. She had her purse stolen from a bar the weekend of new years and then used my HSA card to put a down payment on a new Iphone. Needless to say I wasn't happy at all when I found out. I have to pay penalties on money used for non health items. I don't believe she is seeing someone. But I cant guarantee anything. 



Happilymarried25 said:


> Why does she want to move back to MN? She should stay where she is, she has a job stop uprooting the children and then you can rent an apartment there is she is sure she wants to go through with the divorce. Don't move, and abandon your children, they need you especially now. Being apart is not good for your marriage, it will just increase the chances of one of you meeting someone else and never getting back together. Shuttling your children back and forth is a bad idea, kids need stability. Stay in the house with her and work on your marriage.


I can clarify this. WE BOTH want to go back to MN, as this is where we're from and all our family and friends. I have a job that allowed me to work from home while we stayed in Iowa, and I want to go home to be around family/friends. I have no one here for me once she decided she wanted to separate. Its hard being alone, completely. At the moment she isn't willing to work on the marriage, she wants to see how we both feel(her, but she says both) living away from each other. She says maybe she wont be happy without me, but at the moment she isn't happy with how things are now. 

We married young, I wasn't fully prepared, nor did I understand what it really meant to be a husband. So she says I wasn't always appreciative or showed I cared. Then when I really realized, I changed and have been better for a few years now but she says she cant get over her past feelings. I'm not sure if she ever will. My thought was being away from each other maybe she can work through her issues, IF that's what she decides to do. We both agreed to not date, or become involved with anyone until we decide what were going ultimately do.


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## knowfiguy (Mar 13, 2014)

Thanks, as you've both agreed staying here until we can both move back is probably my best bet. I'm trying to abide to the 180, I slip up some but I am working on it. 

I'll deal with being stuck here in IA for the kids sake, and possibly my marriages. We were talking about the kids and she got frustrated and said she'd just stay with me if it was going to be this hard so she could see the kids. I told her yesterday that I refused to take her back until we've gone through a separation. I am fully intent on moving out from each other to force her to realize what life will be like without me. If its better for her then so be it. I told herI was not going to do this again to myself.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

knowfiguy said:


> I told her yesterday that I refused to take her back until we've gone through a separation. I am fully intent on moving out from each other to force her to realize what life will be like without me. If its better for her then so be it. *I told herI was not going to do this again to myself.*


Normally, I would suggest that separation usually isn't good when people are trying to work through marital issues.

In your case, I think you are absolutely correct to force her to see what life is like without you. You are NOT a human yo-yo to be pulled up and down on her whims. If you're willing to possibly end the marriage (if she decides to she is happier without you) then I think separation will be best for your current mental state.


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## knowfiguy (Mar 13, 2014)

I'm just trying to work this thats fair to me and the kids. Obviously moving out means I lose my kids every other week. This would be harder on them when they would go to my wifes house in IA, since in MN with me they would be surrounded by myself and family often. 

But I badly want my wife to realize what life is like without me. Not just mentally but everything that I add to her life she may not think I do or notice.


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