# My wife wants to leave because I sent messages to another woman. What can I do?



## jtreason (Aug 4, 2011)

I hope someone here can help me with some advice. Me and my wife have been married for over 6 years and we have 1 son. We have had normal marriage problems in the past but we have always found a way to work through it. There have been times when I have found out about guys calling her and I know she was on the phone for many hours with a couple guys. I have always discussed it with her and I forgave her. I even remember a time where she sent her "best friend" a text saying "I love you" and he said "I love you too". I confronted her about it and she said that she loves him as a friend and nothing more. I have caught her in lies about her relationship with other men but I always forgave her since I thought that was the respectable thing to do.

Last year, a woman from the same country as my wife became my friend on facebook. We talked about a lot of different things and I told her that I liked talking to her. I was having trouble with depression and the VA has been giving me medication for it. I am currently 80% disabled and 50% is from my depression. I really enjoyed talking to the woman because since I barely knew her, I felt like I can tell her anything and get/give advice from someone that is non biased. I also liked the attention that she gave me since I really felt/feel like I have nobody to talk to about personal problems. I am not a very social person and the only person that I talk to everyday besides my wife is my mom. I have literally no friends and i never go to hang out with anyone. I am 27, home everyday with my family and the only time I go out is to go to the store or to go to the gym. My depression was under control at one point but once I came off of the medicine, the sleepless nights and thoughts of suicide started to come back.

Back to the subject, I sent the woman some messages saying things like "I miss talking to you, you are very beautiful, and I can't sleep because I'm thinking about you". I sent these messages almost a year ago. I have never thought of cheating on my wife and this was sort of a fantasy/game for me. I NEVER sent her any messages saying "I love you, I want to leave my wife for you", or anything else sexual or disrespectful to my wife. I know what I did was wrong but I never meant to hurt anyone.

On Sunday, my facebook was open and my wife saw all the messages. I have not sent this woman any messages for the past 3 months but my wife was still hurt by what she saw. She has come up with all sorts of theories such as I want to leave her to be with this other woman and that I love the other women more than her. Keep in mind that I never told the other woman that I loved her or wanted to be with her. 

After lots of fighting, I finally calmed down and told my wife that I am sorry. I told her that I never meant to hurt her and the only person that I want to be with is her. She does not believe me at all and now she wants to leave me. I have been pleading with her and she still wants to leave me. She has already started looking for a apartment and movers also. I have emailed the woman on facebook to get her to talk to my wife but the woman has not responded. Just this morning, I decided to deactivate my facebook page because it caused me nothing but pain.

What can I do to get my wife to trust me and give me another chance. She feels that I cheated on her by talking to this other woman. She does not care about my depression and she says that is just an excuse. I feel that if I lose her, the only person I will have left is God. Please someone give me some useful advice. She is not interested in counseling since we have tried it before in our marriage. She claims that she was happy and trusted me until she saw the messages and now she wants to leave. I really don't understand how she could love me one day and then want to leave the next. I also feel that it is selfish of her to not understand that I was wrong and give me a chance to make it better. I would really love to save my marriage but I feel that if she does indeed leave me over this, I will prefer to not have any conversation with her unless it is about our son. Does anyone have any advice about what I can do?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

First you said you sent the messages a year ago, then you say you sent messages w/in the last 3 months. Doesn't match. 

You both did inappropriate things. Very. If she doesn't want to be with you anymore and doesn't want counselling and is leaving, you will have to accept that. It's a hard lesson to learn.


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## jtreason (Aug 4, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> First you said you sent the messages a year ago, then you say you sent messages w/in the last 3 months. Doesn't match.
> 
> You both did inappropriate things. Very. If she doesn't want to be with you anymore and doesn't want counselling and is leaving, you will have to accept that. It's a hard lesson to learn.


What I meant is that the messages that she thinks are inappropriate were sent almost a year ago. I did have contact with the woman until May of this year but it was just casual conversation. My wife knows that the woman is not in the country and that there is no way that we met or had sex. Despite this, she feels that if the woman were here, I would have had sex with her.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Casual or not... the point is you stayed in contact with someone you cheated on your wife with. 
That = points against you in her mind.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

> I even remember a time where she sent her "best friend" a text saying "I love you" and he said "I love you too". I confronted her about it and she said that she loves him as a friend and nothing more. I have caught her in lies about her relationship with other men but I always forgave her since I thought that was the respectable thing to do.


It looks like you swept things under the rug just to avoid confrontation.



> I have been pleading with her and she still wants to leave me. She has already started looking for a apartment and movers also.


Let her go. If your apology and your request for forgiveness was sincere then you've done your part. Let's face it, you cheated on her and if she wants to leave you for that reason, she has a every right to do so.

Pleading, crying is not only ineffective but emotionally repulsive. Few women respect a man they view as emotionally week. 

If you want a shot at attracting your wife, you must show her that you will accept her decision to divorce you and wish her happiness -*and mean it.* In the meantime, start becoming an attractive man who enjoys life by going out and doing things your passionate about. You'd be surprise how many wives do a double take when their husbands start doing this and become attracted to them once more.

*Your happiness comes from you not from your wife or anybody else.*


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

morituri said:


> Pleading, crying is not only ineffective but *emotionally repulsive*.


I love this terminiology!


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Sounds to me like your wife has a serious double standard going on. Or, she wants to leave and is just using this as justification. Jellybeans is right - you both did very inappropriate things, the key word there is both. If she wants to leave there's really not a lot you can do to stop her. Personally I don't think she's justified in it because of what your actions as posted above in light of her own actions - again as posted above. I'd suggest looking over in the Men's Clubhouse and read some of the "Manning Up" threads. They deal a lot with what makes women stay or leave. It doesn't sound to me like your situation is really an infidelity issue but more a marriage issue. Your right to ask her to go to marriage counseling but if she wont' you certainly can't make her.


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## Lily_B (Jul 28, 2011)

morituri said:


> It looks like you swept things under the rug just to avoid confrontation.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Well said!!!! :iagree:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> Personally I don't think she's justified in it because of what your actions as posted above in light of her own actions - again as posted above.


They both have justification to leave. He chose to stay, she didn't. But they both had reason to leave. Just because he now doesn't agree with her wanting out doesn't mean she shoudn't.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

How about a full-on effort demonstrating to her your openness and transparency for everything she ight want to know, full admission and apology for what you've done, action to making MC appointment(s), with a statement that you will respect her wishes if she truly wants to leave, but you want to work at recovering the marriage and will do whatever it takes to make this right? What have you got to lose? 

Shutting down your FB account seems like removing evidece, to me. And your own comments show clear rug-sweeping... _"I miss talking to you, you are very beautiful, and I can't sleep because I'm thinking about you"_ is not innocent nor only a game/fantasy - it is admitting and inviting a deeper relationship, clearly an EA. She has every right to expect if it were logistically possible, a PA would ensue. Why wouldn't she? What have you done to demonstrate anything besides that conclusion?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> They both have justification to leave. He chose to stay, she didn't. But they both had reason to leave. Just because he now doesn't agree with her wanting out doesn't mean she shoudn't.


Fair point. It just seems to me that she isn't willing to be A) cut with the same sword she cut her H with and B) that she isn't willing to give him the same forgiveness and commitment that he gave her - for what AS POSTED seem to be roughly equal transgressions. She may just not be as committed to the marriage, maybe she does in fact have a double standard (certainly not uncommon), or maybe there's something in the other side of the story we don't know.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> Fair point. It just seems to me that she isn't willing to be A) cut with the same sword she cut her H with and B) that she isn't willing to give him the same forgiveness and commitment that he gave her - for what AS POSTED seem to be roughly equal transgressions. She may just not be as committed to the marriage, maybe she does in fact have a double standard (certainly not uncommon), or maybe there's something in the other side of the story we don't know.


Maybe she feels there is too much water under the bridge now and to much damage. Or she just wants out. 

Either way, it's her choice to make. He does not have to agree with it. If she wants out, he can't do anything to stop her. 

Like Mori said -- "Let her go." There is no sense in holding onto someone that doesn't want to be held.


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## jtreason (Aug 4, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Casual or not... the point is you stayed in contact with someone you cheated on your wife with.
> That = points against you in her mind.


I have a question about this. I understand that some people consider sending messages to be cheating but I have never looked at it like that before. Since my wife knows that I have been treated for depression for over a year now, does that mean that she probably didn't love me before? I ask this because when I used to tell her how my depression affected my life, she would just brush it off like it wasn't her problem. She knows that I was taking medication for insomnia and anxiety and she knows that I often felt lonely. I'm not trying to use this as an escape goat but I feel that if she ignores this fact and focuses on the fact that I cheated by sending messages, that would mean that she has not loved me for a long long time. Am I wrong for feeling this way? Also, we live in Houston and she knows that if I really wanted to cheat on her, I could have easily been with someone here.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If you don't see what you did as cheating, then that is an even bigger problem, IMO. 

As for your wife---only she can answer if she loved you before or not. Currently, she wants to leave you so that is what you have to work with. 

Oh and depression does not make anyone stray. It's a choice that you and she both made. A deliberate choice made of your own volition.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Both of you are flirting with EAs and have proved you really cannot have these type of opposite sex friends without crossing boundaries your spouses would object too.

In fact that is part of the problem. You guys have not set down and agreed to boundaries around this. You need too. Also there can be no double standard. It has to be mutual.

Forgiving is not helpful in the way this has been going on. You have to know the full extent of what you are forgiving. Plus you really cannot forgive if it keeps going on. There must be total NC with people who have been part of an EA. Then forgiveness would have a real meaning. Otherwise it is just rug sweeping.

Yes there very much is a double standard here. BUT, again you have to have agreed upon boundaries around this that are mutual.

Yes this is being unfaithful to your spouse.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

jtreason said:


> I have a question about this. I understand that some people consider sending messages to be cheating but I have never looked at it like that before. Since my wife knows that I have been treated for depression for over a year now, does that mean that she probably didn't love me before? I ask this because when I used to tell her how my depression affected my life, she would just brush it off like it wasn't her problem. She knows that I was taking medication for insomnia and anxiety and she knows that I often felt lonely. I'm not trying to use this as an escape goat but I feel that if she ignores this fact and focuses on the fact that I cheated by sending messages, that would mean that she has not loved me for a long long time. Am I wrong for feeling this way? Also, we live in Houston and she knows that if I really wanted to cheat on her, I could have easily been with someone here.


Sending inappropriate messages is being unfaithful. If you willfully did this then it is cheating. Sometimes people can fall into inappropriate behavior which is being unfaithful without them fully realizing it. It is still wrong and there is no excuse for it. Having proper boundaries can help with this. If a boundary is crossed then you know it is cheating. No gray area. 

We can get attached to people in very subtle ways that can start to cross over into activities which our spouses would not like. So that is being unfaithful.

Also lets get real, if you send more than a couple of emails to someone on a daily basis, what the heck is that about? Let alone hundreds of messages a day. Even if the message is not inappropriate it is a huge flag. How about interacting with your spouse instead?

Anyway, again both your wife and you have proved you cannot handle opposite sex friends. If you think you can, then continue on please.


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## jtreason (Aug 4, 2011)

Wow I really appreciate all the advice here and although I never realized that some people feel as if sending inappropriate messages to someone I never met is cheating, I now realize that this is very bad. The thing that hurts the most is that I feel that by her exercising her right to leave now, I feel that she never saw me as an equal since I always forgave her and she never had a problem with me regarding infidelity. She said she loved and trusted me until she saw the messages and from that point, she didn't want to be with me anymore. Maybe I'm just stupid or something because I don't see how you can go from loving someone one day to hating them the next, especially when all I sent was messages and I broke it off months ago. I feel like I have been living a lie.

I did send the woman messages but it was never hundreds. It was more like 20 messages over a 8 month span.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

It doesn't sound like you are too convinced that your marriage is worth saving. You need to do some good old fashion soul searching and review your relationship with your wife. Has it been a mutually nurturing one? or Has it been one where one or both of you are more Takers than a Givers? You may want to offer her to go to MC (marriage counseling) and if she refuses then you go. It may help you to find the answers to decide whether to stay married or not.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> They both have justification to leave. He chose to stay, she didn't. But they both had reason to leave. Just because he now doesn't agree with her wanting out doesn't mean she shoudn't.


I came here to say something like this but Jellybeans said it perfectly. Just because you forgave her for what she did wrong does not means she can forgive you for what you did wrong. 

If I were in her position, I would also feel betrayed/cheated on. I don't think she is overreacting.

You say:


> I also feel that it is selfish of her to not understand that I was wrong and give me a chance to make it better.


It sounds to me like you don't have a very good understanding of what "selfish" means.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

jtreason said:


> Wow I really appreciate all the advice here and although I never realized that some people feel as if sending inappropriate messages to someone I never met is cheating, I now realize that this is very bad. The thing that hurts the most is that I feel that by her exercising her right to leave now, I feel that she never saw me as an equal since I always forgave her and she never had a problem with me regarding infidelity. She said she loved and trusted me until she saw the messages and from that point, she didn't want to be with me anymore. Maybe I'm just stupid or something because I don't see how you can go from loving someone one day to hating them the next, especially when all I sent was messages and I broke it off months ago. I feel like I have been living a lie.
> 
> I did send the woman messages but it was never hundreds. It was more like 20 messages over a 8 month span.


I know we can get hungup on numbers. 20 messages over 8 months sounds fine. Certainly no EA volume.

So then it comes down to the content of the messages.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

It sounds like she maybe projecting her behavior and feelings upon you. From what you said she's has certainly engaged in inappropriate behavior with other guys via text and phone. Perhaps it even went farther.

So when she catches you doing something similiar it reminds her of what she's done and she fears the worst.

she is now using you as the "bad" guy to end the marriage and to assuage her own guilt.


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

Do you think maybe she's tired of living with your depression? It can't be that much fun. 

Are you a veteran? If so, thank you for your service. 

But please, get better help for this depression. If you are doing nothing but staying home everyday wallowing in sadness and surfing the internet, you won't get better. You will have nothing to offer to a real, live woman in front of you, much less a long-distance internet EA.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I'm weird about friends of opposite sex...

If it's a NEW friend, it's no good. 

If it's an OLD friend, I'm ok with it.

I have a male friend that I love. We have been friends longer than I've known my husband...in fact, when I met my husband, my friend gave me the nerve to talk to him 

Is your wife's friend an old friend? What is her view on love? There are more meanings of love than the typical romantic love. 

My husband has a close female friend and despite my suspicious and untrusting nature, I just trust. She has been his friend longer than he's known me. Oh well.

As far as your wife wanting to leave her...let her.


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## jtreason (Aug 4, 2011)

omega said:


> I came here to say something like this but Jellybeans said it perfectly. Just because you forgave her for what she did wrong does not means she can forgive you for what you did wrong.
> 
> If I were in her position, I would also feel betrayed/cheated on. I don't think she is overreacting.
> 
> ...


What I mean by selfish is that all the times that I was suspicious of her activities, I put aside my emotions for the sake of the marriage and I forgave her to try to move on. To give you a better idea, there was once a time when she was supposed to come home from work at 2am but she didn't. I went looking for her and she turned up a hour late. She said she was lost in her car and that she was afraid to call me because she thought I would get upset. While we were discussing this at 3am, she gets a text from a guy that said "good night my angel". This made me furious but I chose to forgive her because I knew everyone makes mistakes.

Also, later one in our marriage, I noticed on her phone bill that she was talking to a certain number for very long periods of time. Maybe hours at a time but the strange thing was that the calls were always during times that I wasn't around or she was at work. She would often clear her phone logs so I would never find out. I confronted her about it and after much fighting, I chose to forgive her. I was even a nice guy and never bothered to call and question the other guy. 

This is what I mean by selfish. I feel that even though she wasn't honest with me in the past, I could forgive her for the sake of our marriage and the well being of our son. If she can't give me the same courtesy, I feel that this is selfish.



Entropy3000 said:


> I know we can get hungup on numbers. 20 messages over 8 months sounds fine. Certainly no EA volume.
> 
> So then it comes down to the content of the messages.


the inappropriate messages were along the lines of

"I really miss talking to you"
"I can't sleep now and I wish we could chat"
"You are beautiful"



Shaggy said:


> It sounds like she maybe projecting her behavior and feelings upon you. From what you said she's has certainly engaged in inappropriate behavior with other guys via text and phone. Perhaps it even went farther.
> 
> So when she catches you doing something similiar it reminds her of what she's done and she fears the worst.
> 
> she is now using you as the "bad" guy to end the marriage and to assuage her own guilt.


I understand this now and I feel like an idiot. I should have cut her loose at the very first glimpse of her dishonesty.


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## jtreason (Aug 4, 2011)

TeaLeaves4 said:


> Do you think maybe she's tired of living with your depression? It can't be that much fun.
> 
> Are you a veteran? If so, thank you for your service.
> 
> But please, get better help for this depression. If you are doing nothing but staying home everyday wallowing in sadness and surfing the internet, you won't get better. You will have nothing to offer to a real, live woman in front of you, much less a long-distance internet EA.


Maybe you are right. Maybe she is tired of living with my depressed self and she wants to move on to live life. I honestly wish it was just a switch I could hit that could make me turn this off but life doesn't work like that. I have been receiving medication from the VA but it doesn't seem to help. My depression started when I got out of the military in '09' and was mostly due to things that I experience during my 8 years in the military. I figured that since we made the devotion of marriage, she should do everything in her power to try to help me overcome this. This is like leaving someone because they become paralyzed.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

I agree with the commenter (sorry don't remember who it was) who said it looks like you're not feeling like there's a whole lot worth fighting for in this marriage. If you've given up on your marriage, and she's given up on your marriage.... inevitability results.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

jtreason said:


> Maybe you are right. Maybe she is tired of living with my depressed self and she wants to move on to live life. I honestly wish it was just a switch I could hit that could make me turn this off but life doesn't work like that. I have been receiving medication from the VA but it doesn't seem to help. My depression started when I got out of the military in '09' and was mostly due to things that I experience during my 8 years in the military. I figured that since we made the devotion of marriage, she should do everything in her power to try to help me overcome this. This is like leaving someone because they become paralyzed.


I can feel the pain in your post. Depression is devastating to the person suffering and it can also be devastating to the spouse. I think the disconnect is that you believed in the devotion of marriage as you call it but neither of you really carried through with that.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> Sounds to me like your wife has a serious double standard going on. Or, she wants to leave and is just using this as justification. Jellybeans is right - you both did very inappropriate things, the key word there is both. If she wants to leave there's really not a lot you can do to stop her. Personally I don't think she's justified in it because of what your actions as posted above in light of her own actions - again as posted above. I'd suggest looking over in the Men's Clubhouse and read some of the "Manning Up" threads. They deal a lot with what makes women stay or leave. It doesn't sound to me like your situation is really an infidelity issue but more a marriage issue. Your right to ask her to go to marriage counseling but if she wont' you certainly can't make her.


Sigma you took the words out of my mouth. I think she just wants out and is usiing this as an excuse. While this does not take away from your transgretions your wife has many many EA her self if not PA it seems and is projecting
on to you.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

I agree with some of the posters, I think your wife is looking for an out.

Based on your posts, she's had multiple EA's and most likely a PA at some point. She now sees you were capable of an EA and probably feels that validates all her past transgressions. She'd prefer to be the victim and let you take the fall in the breakdown of your marriage. She most likely believes whatever she's done, you've done.

I'd think in a situation like this it would've been a wake up call to clear the air and start fresh. However, it seems your wife is taking it as an opportunity to leave. Her affairs were not addressed in the past, so she had no reason to leave because she could continue her behavior. Now that she sees you're going to partake in the same behavior as her, the dynamic has changed.

This is a difficult situation, because now if you ever try to address her own cheating in the past, she'll throw your EA back at you. So, even if she stays, she'd most likely continue to have EAs and possibly PAs, because in her mind you have justified her behavior.

I would say let her go and do the 180 as suggested. Improve your life and don't settle for anything short of full transparency from both of you and complete honesty moving forward.


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## aeg512 (Mar 22, 2011)

Here is my take on this one. If factual information is being provided the wifes response is over kill. No iffs ands or buts about it. However, there could be a good reason for this reaction on her part, she is in an A and can use what he has done to end the M and save face on her part. She has been caught too many times with things much worse. What needs to be done is get a copy of her phone read out for the past six months to show text and calls. It will not show the actual text but will shows the numbers from where they were sent and received. Is there a pattern? Her phone could be sent to a tech to see what could be recovered. I think she is using this for her benefit.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

You did something you would not want done to you. If what your doing feels the elast bit uncomfortable to you if your wife found out, it is 10x the pain for her. Be 1000% transparent. Reinstate facebook - your stuff is still there if you do it right away and let her see everyhting. Block the OW. Kiss you wifes A$$. Set up marriage counseling. DO something and quit talking if you want to save it.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Now understanding _her_ prior affairs, and your combined failure when you discovered her activity, I'd say that you both have had severe, unresolved issues within your marriage that have never gotten addressed. You disovered her actions and simply forgave her, without getting to the root of _why_ she went outsuide the marriage. Subsequently, she lost respect for you because you swept it under the rug, with no consequences. So, she went and did it again...and within a barren marriage that resulted, you also strayed outside the boundaries. Built up over time, she's concluded she wants out, and you've given her the excuse to make it happen. I'm sorry to say, but I'm sure she has grown weary of dealing with your depression as a factor here (no it does not absolve her of her behavior, nor you of yours -- and I thank you for your service to this country and hope you get better help to deal with this terrible condition, regardless of your marital outcome).

Path one is the two of you both decide you want to work at trying to save your marriage, essentially banding together and starting all over, despoite your history. Not likely, but can be done.

Path two is to simply admit the damage is done, has gone on too long to un-do, and find ways to part as amicably as possible, with you moving on and improving your own life and making a better one for yourself in your future, hopefully one day with someone who can respect and remain faithful to you, with you doing the same.

A shame, for sure. Good luck to you sir.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

The bottom line is she wants out. He has to accept that. Even if he's not what he wants.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

JB, she may want out and has been clear. He can fight for it and may have a SLIM chance. But he had better take FULL responsibilty, get off her past deed and DO something!


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