# Well... The final straw.



## Todi

Married 8 years with 2 kids. 

Have a history of asking for advice here. In the midst of another R with couselling this time . Gave her 2 chances previously. Finally got a VAR and caught her meeting her coworker Beau and flirting before work. When confronted she confessed to kissing him twice recently...

FML. You were all right!!! Last four months were a waste of time and much money!!! At least I finally have concrete proof! Moving for D asap!


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## Todi

Definitely going to tell the POSOM's wife but not until my own divorce is final... I guess he's recently separated but she still deserves to know.

Debating on whether to text him that he's a POS and should be ashamed. Wonder what her work would think... Hmm...


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## kingsfan

Tell his wife/ex-wife and don't wait until later. File for divorce now. Don't waste your breathe on him though. Be sure to out her big time, let everyone know what you know.


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## happyman64

Todi

Tell his wife now.

Leave their job out of it for now.

You cannot trust her so finish it.

HM


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## MattMatt

You are right. It is time to move on.

She cannot be trusted.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoChoice

OP,
This woman has the intellect of a child. She is not capable of being in a mature relationship. What you need to concentrate on now are the qualities you look for when considering a potential mate. If you do not reevaluate your process you may very well find yourself here again. Good luck to you.


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## ThePheonix

Todi said:


> Gave her 2 chances previously.


Men are too often caught up in trying to save their marriage that forget why they are in this position to begin with; because their wives have lost romantic interest in them. It usually doesn't take long to find out that a reconciliation will go down in flames unless the WW regains the requisite romantic interest. Hence, why its stressed to acquire the more attractive "alpha male" behavior. 
Men need to realize, albeit few do, that a woman will not mentally, and oftentimes physically, stay with a man they have little or no romantic interest in.


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## workindad

OP- sorry for the spot you are in, but you have a plan to move forward. Now execute it. Do not delay. Obviously, your wife is not into you and has no respect for your marriage and she doesn't want to reconcile. She just wants to stay married to you and keep playing you for a fool.

Focus on you and your kids.


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## Tobyboy

Is this the same coworker from April emails?
What made you decide to finally use a var?

You know, "recently kissed" means that they have been having sex for a while!!!

Expose both of them!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pluto2

Tell the OM's wife. She likely has the same doubts you had during the R, and she deserves the truth as much as you did.

I'm sorry you are going through this.


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## drifting on

Todi

When I had the smoking gun from my WW affair I called the OMW the following morning. No way was the POSOM going to confess to his wife. As it is that is the only justice a BS is able to feel, and it comes with destroying another person who had no idea. I would think twice about the work exposure, protect yourself financially first. I'm sorry that you have to deal with this, I was hoping your wife understood the gift she was given. Best of luck to you and stay strong. I hope you find peace and happiness in your future.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolf1974

ThePheonix said:


> Men are too often caught up in trying to save their marriage that forget why they are *in this position to begin with*; because their wives have lost romantic interest in them. It usually doesn't take long to find out that a reconciliation will go down in flames unless the WW regains the requisite romantic interest. Hence, why its stressed to acquire the more attractive "alpha male" behavior.
> Men need to realize, albeit few do, that a woman will not mentally, and oftentimes physically, stay with a man they have little or no romantic interest in.


my x cheated cause she was a cheater and selfish. This seems like typical blame shifting. If a woman or man feels left out in a marriage they have choices: work on the marriage, leave it or cheat. But that is thier choice and has nothing to do with the other person. Cheaters are selfish and doesn't matter what gender they are.


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## Wolf1974

Op. Hard lesson to learn. Cheaters are cheaters and don't change. Sorry for the next several months of heartache you're going to go through. Just know many of us went through this and came out the other side. You're not alone . Get a good lawyer ASAP.


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## Satya

Some members disagree with the divorce approach after the first time caught, but really, it's the only thing I'd recommend after seeing how many times false R is posted in this place. There may be outstanding exceptions (we have a few ex-waywards here that have shown TRUE remorse from the get-go) but they seem to be pretty rare.

I'm sorry you found out this way, but at least you know the truth at last and can act upon it.


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## Thundarr

Todi said:


> Married 8 years with 2 kids.
> 
> Have a history of asking for advice here. In the midst of another R with couselling this time . Gave her 2 chances previously. Finally got a VAR and caught her meeting her coworker Beau and flirting before work. When confronted she confessed to kissing him twice recently...
> 
> FML. You were all right!!! Last four months were a waste of time and much money!!! At least I finally have concrete proof! Moving for D asap!


Hopefully the last four months have given you wisdom and therefore not a waste of time. Waking morning after morning in a state of uncertainty is miserable. Snooping because you can't trust who you're with a miserable. Trying to control a situation or person you have no control of is miserable. Looking back after the fact and realizing you let someone treat you like crap sucks.

These are all things you will avoid letting ever happen again. Sure you might be once bitten twice shy for a while but that's a good thing. You won't trust you own judgement in women but that's a good thing too because it will keep you from jumping into something too fast.


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## weightlifter

Find out any alimony or cs implications if she loses her job. Some judges will blame you if you out her at work. Ask you lawyer.

Official policy here is happiness is the best revenge. I disagree. Happiness IS the best revenge, while viewing the smoking ruins of the life of the guy who is screwing your wife. But be careful. The guy in the mirror is always the one you need to look out for. If it wrecks the finances, walk away. Dont win a battle and lose the war.


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## lordmayhem

I have to wonder if this is indeed the final straw. Look at his other 5 threads. His WW keeps cheating on him over and over. This is OM#5 I think. He posts in the thread and then disappears.

All his WW has to do is beg him for another chance, even though she's a serial cheater, he'll give her that chance.

I'm not entirely convinced this is the final straw.


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## Thundarr

lordmayhem said:


> I have to wonder if this is indeed the final straw. Look at his other 5 threads. His WW keeps cheating on him over and over. This is OM#5 I think. He posts in the thread and then disappears.
> 
> All his WW has to do is beg him for another chance, even though she's a serial cheater, he'll give her that chance.
> 
> I'm not entirely convinced this is the final straw.


This is the last last final straw :| . Seriously though Todi, if you stay in this too long then the drama, dysfunction, and hysterical bonding will become a part of who you are. There's no happy solution to staying in this.


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## Todi

Thanks for the replies and encouragement.



lordmayhem said:


> I have to wonder if this is indeed the final straw. Look at his other 5 threads. His WW keeps cheating on him over and over. This is OM#5 I think. He posts in the thread and then disappears.
> 
> All his WW has to do is beg him for another chance, even though she's a serial cheater, he'll give her that chance.
> 
> I'm not entirely convinced this is the final straw.


I deserve this. And I agree that the title of my thread should have been "The Final Final Last Straw".

I have posted in my previous threads and read all responses. It's been good solid advice, even when people call me out on how I've done things wrong... And I've done a LOT wrong in hind sight.

At least I feel like I've tried my best and I will leave this marriage knowing I tried everything. My kids at least deserve that I suppose. Counseling was the last thing I would have looked back on and regretted not trying.

Maybe OPs seem to leave their threads because they're acting on the advice they've been given... Just like today. I've been away packing up all my ****. Kind of hard to keep up on posts. =)


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## NoChoice

OP,
I would like to comment on another aspect of your post that I find troubling. Please explain to me how a spouse can "snoop" on their spouse? What secrets are there to be kept hidden? If you have to "snoop" on your spouse then there are fundamental issues with your marriage. When we enter into marriage we accept that the "I" ceases to exist and the "we" is now the state of our being. Everything an individual does within a marriage should be done with the mindset of how will this affect US. Anything short of that is withholding and withholding does not bode well for a marriage. 

Secrets and covert behavior are necessary and expected in the world of espionage but not so much in an agreement based on trust and openness. Always remember that a person that is hiding something is a person with something to hide. Almost without exception, such a person does not do well in marriage. Please consider it as you move forward into your next relationship. Good fortune.


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## CTPlay

Such a fallacy. My kids deserve to have me fight for the marriage.

Your kids deserve to have fully engaged parents.


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## ConanHub

CTPlay said:


> Such a fallacy. My kids deserve to have me fight for the marriage.
> 
> Your kids deserve to have fully engaged parents.


Please expand on this statement.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThePheonix

Wolf1974 said:


> my x cheated cause she was a cheater and selfish. This seems like typical blame shifting.


Saying a spouse has lost romantic interest is not necessarily saying the BS caused it. Sometimes the BS may behave in a manner that causes a loss of romantic interest in the partner. Sometimes the other partner just get to a point where you're not what they want.
But for those who think my comment was blame shifting, why do some members recommend to the betrayed beta, SAHD, to become more alpha if they don't believe the behavior contributed to the cheating?




Satya said:


> after seeing how many times false R is posted in this place. There may be outstanding exceptions (we have a few ex-waywards here that have shown TRUE remorse from the get-go) but they seem to be pretty rare.



My observation is the betrayed spouse is often pushing, selling and maneuvering the wayward to reconcile. How many time have you seen, "if you want to save your marriage, you have to make the affair impossible to continue". What do you think youre going to have if they only stay with you because its impossible to be with the one they really want. You're relegating yourself to plan B. That strategy may keepum in the barnyard but it ain't going make them want to stay.


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## bigfoot

I'll comment on the "my kids deserved me fighting to save the marriage" fallacy. I think it is, in many instances, foolish to take that position. 

If you cheat, you are no longer an asset to the family unit. The cheater owes it to the family to prove why they should not be expelled. The betrayed owes it to the kids to stand as a guardian at the door demanding that the cheater prove they are worthy of re-admittance. The betrayed protects the kids from the betrayer by putting them out not keeping them in. Remember, they betrayed the kids too. IMHO.

Your spouse had an EA, maybe a ONS, I get it. Should your family be destroyed by this. I still think it is crap to put it on the kids. I think that the issue should be spouse related. Do you, as a betrayed spouse, think it is worth the risk to allow the family unit to continue. A household is what the parent or parents make it. IMHO.

In the case of a serial cheater or LT affair, or intense one time thing, I think that the question is this: "Do my kids deserve me putting their home life and stability at risk by trying to work things out with my cheating spouse"? The difference with this question is that you recognize that the cheater is a danger to your family, not an asset. Saying your kids deserve you trying to keep the family together makes it sound like the cheater is an asset, and they are not.

They can be great parents to CO PARENT with, but they are not worth the further disruption of your home life. Kids living life waiting for the other shoe to drop is terrible. Kids watching parents fight because one is a cheater is horrible.


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## aine

Sorry Todi you are here. You seem to be moving swiftly, what is her reaction to the divorce?


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## Rugs

Why are YOU packing?


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## bandit.45

Rugs said:


> Why are YOU packing?


Because he's a good little husband....


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## Thundarr

bandit.45 said:


> Because he's a good little husband....


Do you mean nice guy?


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## Todi

Packing in preparation for selling our house. Meeting with the realtor tomorrow... Just moving my stuff to the garage, etc. Scheduled a meeting with an attorney tomorrow. Papers will be served asap. 

Picking up where we left off 4 months ago Stat.

This is NOT me being the good little husband... All this within 24 hours of confronting her. I'm moving on.


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## Todi

Also. I'm not leaving the house. Just getting this ball rolling fast. As soon as the house sales and divorce is final. I'm ready to roll. 

Looking forward to being able to focus my time and energy on my kids and myself...


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## Todi

aine said:


> Sorry Todi you are here. You seem to be moving swiftly, what is her reaction to the divorce?


She worked all day today (12h shift). Haven't talked to her since 4am when we finally went to bed. Made her take the guest room. 

She knows we're done. And if there was any doubt, coming home to 1/3 of the house packed in the garage should make it real clear.


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## arbitrator

*Do "the 180" and lose her like a bad habit. 

Sure, by her very own admission, "they kissed!" In "cheater speak," that richly equates to them doing the "horizontal bop" together!

Expose their infidelity now rather than later, get yourself tested for the presence of STD's, and get yourself to a good family law attorney and file~file~file!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CTPlay

ConanHub said:


> Please expand on this statement.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hey Conan,

A marriage, united and strong is no doubt by the numbers, the best place for children to be raised. It's stable.

By the same token, a destroyed marriage full of conflict caused by infidelity, is no environment for children. I can't speak for anyone else so I will talk from my own experience. When my STBX is in her OM obsession, she ignores the kids to satisfy her own emptiness. The children call for their mom but she is too infatuated to be there for them fully. Her emotions are conflicted and throw in a demanding job and boom, even my STBX knows she can't keep this situation going. 

By my own actions, I'm balancing my own pain with trying to be there for the kids and compensating when mom is gone. It's not 100% the best situation for the kids either. Even the kids know that something is off. Their behavior is marked by fear and uncertainty. They act out in class, they become much more sensitive to conflicts etc.

By my own limited count with respect to separation help groups, the vast majority of divorce is due to infidelity and in most cases, the marriage is rarely salvaged. This is an account by the counselor running the group and even my divorce lawyer. 

I applaud those who have worked hard to regain their marriage. Most people in my limited sample have not and their energy was best spent starting their new lives with their children vs chasing after a wayward wife or husband who have crossed a line they could never return from.


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## Wolf1974

ThePheonix said:


> Saying a spouse has lost romantic interest is not necessarily saying the BS caused it. Sometimes the BS may behave in a manner that causes a loss of romantic interest in the partner. Sometimes the other partner just get to a point where you're not what they want.
> *But for those who think my comment was blame shifting, why do some members recommend to the betrayed beta, SAHD, to become more alpha if they don't believe the behavior contributed to the cheating?*
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> My observation is the betrayed spouse is often pushing, selling and maneuvering the wayward to reconcile. How many time have you seen, "if you want to save your marriage, you have to make the affair impossible to continue". What do you think youre going to have if they only stay with you because its impossible to be with the one they really want. You're relegating yourself to plan B. That strategy may keepum in the barnyard but it ain't going make them want to stay.


You've never seen me say any of those things. I say if someone cheats on you they are selfish and you should leave. Find someOne who believes in commitment and has good character. Cheaters don't have that


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## Sports Fan

Expose to all immediately including the other mans wife. Chances are they are not going through a seperation and she has no idea


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## lordmayhem

Tobyboy said:


> Is this the same coworker from April emails?
> What made you decide to finally use a var?


I'm curious as well, since in his other thread, he said he refused to do so.




Tobyboy said:


> You know, "recently kissed" means that they have been having sex for a while!!!


Yup. According to the law of Trickle Truth, They've probably been banging for a while.


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## lordmayhem

Todi said:


> She worked all day today (12h shift). Haven't talked to her since 4am when we finally went to bed. Made her take the guest room.
> 
> She knows we're done. And if there was any doubt, coming home to 1/3 of the house packed in the garage should make it real clear.


Good for you. And this time her begging for another chance shouldn't sway you from doing the right thing. You've already given her more chances than she deserves. 

That's how serial cheaters are. They get caught, tell you what you want to hear, beg you for another chance, then when things settle down, its time to start cheating again or violating the boundaries.


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## ConanHub

Excellent! Thank you for the very good illustration. CTPlay.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BetrayedDad

Todi said:


> Definitely going to tell the POSOM's wife but not until my own divorce is final... I guess he's recently separated but she still deserves to know.


If you're 100% on divorce then I'm going against the crowd here and agreeing with you. Whether you love or hate Trump, he's right about one thing. Leverage is how you win at life. If she's infatuated with this OM, don't throw away possible leverage you can use to grease the skids of the divorce. Once everything is final, you BLOW HIS SH!T UP. 

Exposure is a tool to save a marriage. If the marriage is headed for divorce it serves little purpose except to help out the OMW. You should definitely tell the OMW but not until after YOU get YOUR DIVORCE straightened out. OMW is not going to help you with the bills because you had no leverage to work out a more favorable divorce.

Sounds cold but being the nice guy is what got you back stabbed in the first place. You have to play on her level going forward. 



Todi said:


> Debating on whether to text him that he's a POS and should be ashamed.


He'll think you're a weak pvssy and you'll give him a free ego boost if you send him a message like that. You either show up on his door ready to kick his a$$ or you don't say a word.


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## weightlifter

I agree with betrayed dad.

Trying to remember who but one poster here used the wayward wife's fog against her after he filed. She let the response date pass and BAM! Like two months later he was divorced uber fast with little legal drama.

WIN THE WAR and yes, YOU ARE at war. WIN IT.

All sorts of fun revenge can be extracted AFTER you win.


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## happy as a clam

aine said:


> Sorry Todi you are here. You seem to be moving swiftly, what is her reaction to the divorce?


Moving swiftly? Hardly.

Todi has had other "final straw" threads in the past. Just glad he finally has accepted the truth and can move on from here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happy as a clam

Todi said:


> She knows we're done. And if there was any doubt, *coming home to 1/3 of the house packed in the garage should make it real clear.*


Way to go Todi!!

Best thing I've ever read on your threads!

Stay strong brother! No waffling now... Remember, if you're not moving forward you're at best...stagnant. Or even worse, moving backwards.

Keep your eye on the ball.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marduk

Todi,

Get ready for a ****storm... people don't tend to take this kind of thing gracefully.

You'll likely see a random pattern from your soon to be ex trying to destabilize you so she can eke one more day out of you. Things like: anger, despair, throwing other guys in your face, all kinds of things. Be ready for it.

This isn't the end of your journey with this woman, so hang tight. The more calm and cool you are, the more she will come at you.

Part of the cheater's script is that they're so amazing that two people should feel lucky to share them. When that doesn't turn out to be true... boom.

Plus, if the other dude dumps her, which is likely, it will magnify.


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## GusPolinski

marduk said:


> Todi,
> 
> Get ready for a ****storm... people don't tend to take this kind of thing gracefully.
> 
> You'll likely see a random pattern from your soon to be ex trying to destabilize you so she can eke one more day out of you. Things like: anger, despair, throwing other guys in your face, all kinds of things. Be ready for it.
> 
> This isn't the end of your journey with this woman, so hang tight. The more calm and cool you are, the more she will come at you.
> 
> Part of the cheater's script is that they're so amazing that two people should feel lucky to share them. When that doesn't turn out to be true... boom.
> 
> Plus, if the other dude dumps her, which is likely, it will magnify.


In other words...

Gird your loins and pucker up.


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## happy as a clam

GusPolinski said:


> In other words...
> 
> *Gird your loins and pucker up.*


In case you don't know how to "gird your loins", here's a pictorial:


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## truster

Personally, I'd go against the advice of those suggesting you expose her and the OM.. for now. That sort of thing can be a very valuable card to have in your hand in upcoming negotiations. You can decide down the line whether you'd prefer to exchange it for something (better custody, other terms), or just enjoy letting 'er rip.


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## GusPolinski

truster said:


> Personally, I'd go against the advice of those suggesting you expose her and the OM.. for now. That sort of thing can be a very valuable card to have in your hand in upcoming negotiations. You can decide down the line whether you'd prefer to exchange it for something (better custody, other terms), or just enjoy letting 'er rip.


Agreed. Well, I _sort of_ agree...

Any sort exposure done _prior_ to divorce should be done w/ the goal of saving the marriage in mind. (Honestly, though, if you have to expose in order to save the marriage, there's probably no point in doing either.)

Once divorce is a foregone conclusion, though, there's no point other than vengeance... and vengeance should be exacted _*strategically*_.

Now... as far as OMW goes? Sorry, but I'd have to let her know ASAP.


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## BetrayedDad

GusPolinski said:


> Once divorce is a foregone conclusion, though, there's no point other than vengeance... and vengeance should be exacted _*strategically*_.
> 
> Now... as far as OMW goes? Sorry, but I'd have to let her know ASAP.


An infatuated WW will almost become selfless in protection of their OM. They will be more than willing to burn their lives down in exchange of not hurting their fantasy of coming together with their "true love". They fear the OM with blame them (the WW) for ruining his life so she will do whatever it takes to make plan A work including taking all the heat.

I saw it first hand and numerous times in this forum. They're stupid enough to think the OM would do the same for them. It's only after the OM bus tosses them hard is when they finally start to wake up. It's while they are still in la la land that you have the upper hand.

Work, family, friends exposures are okay but did she care what they thought when she started the affair? Nope, but I guarantee she sure as hell cares what OM thinks about her. Leverage against his exposure is the best card in the deck, hands down.

OMW will find out soon enough and any BS is morally obligated to inform her regardless of the outcome but you have to take care of yourself first. You're in an airplane right now that's in a tail spin. You put your oxygen mask on FIRST before you help the passager next to you.


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## Marduk

I agree. Hold back exposing to achieve the fairest settlement possible, then once signed, expose anyway. 

It's like nuking the site from orbit. It's the only way to be safe.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45

marduk said:


> I agree. Hold back exposing to achieve the fairest settlement possible, then once signed, expose anyway.
> 
> It's like nuking the site from orbit. It's the only way to be safe.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I wouldn't even expose then. 

I would tell her *"Look b!tch, I will sit on this dirty little secret of yours as long as you promise to tell people that the reason we divorced is because we just were not compatible. Which is true...you're a wh0re and I'm a person with integrity. 

But if I ever catch wind of you talking smack about me in public, blaming the demise of the marriage on me, or disparaging me in any way, every friend and family member you have will receive a special e-mail from me, with attachments, laying out your whole sordid affair. 

Treat me good, and we will smoke the peace pipe and go our separate ways. Dis me...and I'll rain the truth down." *


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## CTPlay

bandit.45 said:


> I wouldn't even expose then.
> 
> I would tell her *"Look b!tch, I will sit on this dirty little secret of yours as long as you promise to tell people that the reason we divorced is because we just were not compatible. Which is true...you're a wh0re and I'm a person with integrity.
> 
> But if I ever catch wind of you talking smack about me in public, blaming the demise of the marriage on me, or disparaging me in any way, every friend and family member you have will receive a special e-mail from me, with attachments, laying out your whole sordid affair.
> 
> Treat me good, and we will smoke the peace pipe and go our separate ways. Dis me...and I'll rain the truth down." *


I gotta agree with Bandit. If you've moved on completely, you may not even feel the need for retribution. It would just be a moot point. 

Forget. Move on, live your life, buy the Harley.


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## GusPolinski

marduk said:


> I agree. Hold back exposing to achieve the fairest settlement possible, then once signed, expose anyway.
> 
> 
> 
> It's like nuking the site from orbit. It's the only way to be safe.



LOL. Love the Aliens semi-quote.


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## Marduk

bandit.45 said:


> I wouldn't even expose then.
> 
> I would tell her *"Look b!tch, I will sit on this dirty little secret of yours as long as you promise to tell people that the reason we divorced is because we just were not compatible. Which is true...you're a wh0re and I'm a person with integrity.
> 
> But if I ever catch wind of you talking smack about me in public, blaming the demise of the marriage on me, or disparaging me in any way, every friend and family member you have will receive a special e-mail from me, with attachments, laying out your whole sordid affair.
> 
> Treat me good, and we will smoke the peace pipe and go our separate ways. Dis me...and I'll rain the truth down." *



With my ex, I thought that was the case. I mean, by the time I found out, we were already separated, and we were trying to be civil.

But then none of her family would talk to me with few exceptions. None of her friends, or even some co-friends.

Then I found out that she had been bad mouthing a bunch of BS about me behind my back...

That all took years to sort out. I should have just gone public once ink was on paper.


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## Todi

Tobyboy said:


> Is this the same coworker from April emails?
> What made you decide to finally use a var?


Yes. This is the same coworker from April. Things seemed "off", so I decided to use a var.

Caught her on the 1st day, but actually got really lucky. I shopped around for VARs for a while and talked myself into a cheaper model. Turns out it was NOT Voice Activated, and the battery ran out before her commute home. I was resigned to try buy an actual VAR and try again, but figured I'd listen to her commute in. I was lucky to have caught a couple minutes of evidence at the end of her commute to work when they talked in the parking garage briefly. The verbiage was only just specific enough to remove all doubt... I feel very lucky in this.


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## Todi

BetrayedDad said:


> He'll think you're a weak pvssy and you'll give him a free ego boost if you send him a message like that. You either show up on his door ready to kick his a$$ or you don't say a word.


Solid advice. And since there's no way I'm going to jail for kicking his a$$, holding my tongue is the right play...


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## bandit.45

marduk said:


> With my ex, I thought that was the case. I mean, by the time I found out, we were already separated, and we were trying to be civil.
> 
> But then none of her family would talk to me with few exceptions. None of her friends, or even some co-friends.
> 
> Then I found out that she had been bad mouthing a bunch of BS about me behind my back...
> 
> That all took years to sort out. I should have just gone public once ink was on paper.


He has to decide if it will work in his case. But it might be worth the shot. Nothing wrong with a little blackmail to get the best results for yourself.


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## ThePheonix

Besides that Todi, she's gonna be the same old girl that needs multiple guys regardless of what you do to him. When she's with her next future ex husband, she'll likely be doing the deed with someone else.


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## Vulcan2013

You can promise now, and reveal later anyway. Not like you're making a "vow" or anything.


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## MJJEAN

Todi said:


> Solid advice. And since there's no way I'm going to jail for kicking his a$$, *holding my tongue is the right play*...


Depends. Do you live in a state where infidelity is taken into account when assigning assets and custody in a divorce? If so, exposing her to friends, family, and telling the other BS is the right thing to do. Especially if the other BS is also divorcing and fighting for a share of assets and custody. It's info she needs to have for her own case.


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## GusPolinski

MJJEAN said:


> Depends. Do you live in a state where infidelity is taken into account when assigning assets and custody in a divorce? If so, *exposing her to friends, family*, and telling the other BS *is the right thing to do.* Especially if the other BS is also divorcing and fighting for a share of assets and custody. It's info she needs to have for her own case.


If you have evidence of the infidelity, and if it will matter at all in determining division of assets, whether or not spousal support is awarded, and/or custody of any minor children, then present it IN COURT.

Exposing to OMW? Absolutely.

Exposing to the WW's friends and family, though? That serves absolutely NO purpose in a divorce... unless of course you WANT to make the divorce needlessly drawn out and bitter. Save that until AFTER the divorce is final.

Remember...

STRATEGY.


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## lordmayhem

Todi said:


> She worked all day today (12h shift). Haven't talked to her since 4am when we finally went to bed. Made her take the guest room.
> 
> She knows we're done. And if there was any doubt, coming home to 1/3 of the house packed in the garage should make it real clear.


That was yesterday. So what was her reaction when she came home yesterday?


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## Todi

Was exhausted so I was in bed when she got home. More guest room for her. She worked another 12h today. She didn't mention anything via text today... Exhausted again today from more packing. Probably won't get a feel for how she's taking it until tomorrow...


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## sparrow555

How did she respond to your confrontation?


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## commonsenseisn't

Todi said:


> Debating on whether to text him that he's a POS and should be ashamed. Wonder what her work would think... Hmm...


This is a tactical error. It only makes you look more emotionally invested in a mess than he is. In other words it makes you look like a cry baby sucky mouth. 

If you absolutely have to tell him something say something like this: thanks for taking her off my hands.


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## Todi

sparrow555 said:


> How did she respond to your confrontation?


This morning is the 1st morning we've been able to communicate. She's actually putting on a brave face, but I can tell she's freaking out. Hopefully she's deep enough in the fog with this guy that she doesn't put up too much of a fight getting things moving.

Realtor coming to take pictures of the house soon, attorney tomorrow, papers served ASAP, splitting funds as soon as I get the OK from attorney, etc...

Working out more than normal, spending quality time with the kids, vesting more in work... I have rough moments, but over-all I feel better than I have in years!


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## Todi

commonsenseisn't said:


> This is a tactical error. It only makes you look more emotionally invested in a mess than he is. In other words it makes you look like a cry baby sucky mouth.
> 
> If you absolutely have to tell him something say something like this: thanks for taking her off my hands.


Yeah. I've actually decide he's not worth my words or the jail time after kicking his ass... If I talk to anyone, it is going to be his wife at some point in the not-so-distant future. =)


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## MJJEAN

GusPolinski said:


> If you have evidence of the infidelity, and if it will matter at all in determining division of assets, whether or not spousal support is awarded, and/or custody of any minor children, then present it IN COURT.
> 
> Exposing to OMW? Absolutely.
> 
> Exposing to the WW's friends and family, though? That serves absolutely NO purpose in a divorce... unless of course you WANT to make the divorce needlessly drawn out and bitter. Save that until AFTER the divorce is final.
> 
> Remember...
> 
> STRATEGY.


Actually, exposing helped me greatly in my divorce. Since everyone knew by the time we went to court, he didn't have his former image to uphold. He was quite cooperative in a way he wasn't back when he was trying to play the victim.


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## bandit.45

The reason you feel better about things is because, I think, in your gut, deep down in your nads, you knew you were in false R. Now it's all out in the open. It's all tangible and you can deal with it. 

You sound strong. You sound like you have your head wrapped around things. That's good. Keep showing strength and push forward. 

Expose expose expose.


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## manfromlamancha

Todi said:


> Yeah. I've actually decide he's not worth my words or the jail time after kicking his ass... If I talk to anyone, it is going to be his wife at some point in the not-so-distant future. =)


Wow Todi! I am impressed - you are handling this so well compared to many others. Keep it up!


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## terrence4159

I agree its not worth your time confronting the om. I would expose her far and wide and him. I don't know why people on here always hate the om. He didn't cheat on you he didn't make your wife into a hooker rat. No reason to be mad at him.

The guy who cheated with my ex wife man he is on my Christmas card list. I'm so so thankful for him taking that off my hands.


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## tom67

terrence4159 said:


> I agree its not worth your time confronting the om. I would expose her far and wide and him. I don't know why people on here always hate the om. He didn't cheat on you he didn't make your wife into a hooker rat. No reason to be mad at him.
> 
> The guy who cheated with my ex wife man he is on my Christmas card list. I'm so so thankful for him taking that off my hands.


terrence have you ever exchanged your kid with ex?
I know your current wife did but wouldn't it say a lot if you did once and was a robot, smiled, and walked away.
Just throwing sh!t in the fan.>


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## Todi

Quick update on my situation for any that might care.

It's been 1.5 weeks since confronting the wife with VAR evidence and tell her it's done. Things started moving really quickly. Contacting Realtor, Meeting with Attorney, etc...

Well. As of today, our house is under contract (sold in 3 days.) The house is 80% packed. We have 2 weeks to be OUT. And last night, she signed uncontested divorce papers that are Fair. Pretty much just child support and we worked out a 5/9 split that will allow us to both work full time...

Most crazy 1.5 weeks of my life. But the easiest 125 lbs I've ever LOST!


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## farsidejunky

Wow. That is fast! Good for you, brother.

Any hesitancy from her?


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## Todi

Yes, some. But we both know it's over, so we're focused on being fair and doing what's best for the kids. I'm just relieved I wont have to be with someone I can't trust any longer...


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## Lostinthought61

has she taken ownership of her actions?


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## manfromlamancha

And is she still carrying on with POSOM?


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## Decorum

Todi said:


> Definitely going to tell the POSOM's wife but not until my own divorce is final... I guess he's recently separated but she still deserves to know.


Next item on the list


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## Todi

Xenote said:


> has she taken ownership of her actions?


It's still a case of her saying the words, however... It's more of the "Sad I got caught" rather than "Sad I did it" type **** I think. Either way, at this point, would be hard to believe much of anything...


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## Todi

manfromlamancha said:


> And is she still carrying on with POSOM?


As far as I know.. No. I did ask her, out of respect for 8 years of marriage, not to. At least until things are final... However, her word doesn't mean **** at this point.


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## JohnA

Hi Todi,

In 2005 I discovered my ex's was having an affair. I did not know about any sites like this at the time. I wish I had. The concept of the fog explains so much and provides a template to predict both her current behavior and future actions. She is still in contact with him. He is telling her it is not all her, but actually is mostly on you. He is telling her how to be fair to herself first. What she is not noticing is the lack of "their future commitment" from him.

To answer your question my ex went pysco after the AP dumped her. Despite me asking her to cool it for 90 days till she moved into her new place.

The past is the future unless we change it. The less desperate she is reconcile, the more confident she is in the other man. 

She will turn your daughters into pawns by introducing them to the new and approved daddy 2.1 ver. Stay active in their lives. Make sure they know they have one and only one father. Anyone else deserves no more respect then a teacher or priest/rev/rabbi/uncle - at best !!! YOU and ONLY are the father. Make dam sure the stbx understands that.


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## bandit.45

Todi said:


> Yes, some. But we both know it's over, so we're focused on being fair and doing what's best for the kids. I'm just relieved I wont have to be with someone I can't trust any longer...


She is going to wreck hard in a few months.


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## Clay2013

bandit.45 said:


> She is going to wreck hard in a few months.


There is alot of truth in these words. You want this divorce final as quickly as possible. Once things crash around her you might just see her begging for you to stop things. 

Good for you for getting so much done in so little time. 

C


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## bandit.45

Clay2013 said:


> There is alot of truth in these words. You want this divorce final as quickly as possible. Once things crash around her you might just see her begging for you to stop things.
> 
> Good for you for getting so much done in so little time.
> 
> C


It can go both ways. 

If she comes out of the fog... and is not too proud... she may have that _down-on-her-knees-begging-with-snot-running_ moment...

OR...

She will lash out and go on a smear campaign against him...telling everyone who will listen what a horrible, mean, spiteful person her ex-husband is.


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## happy as a clam

Todi said:


> Most crazy 1.5 weeks of my life. But the easiest 125 lbs I've ever LOST!


Did you really lose 125 lbs??  Or did you mean 25 lbs?


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## dubsey

happy as a clam said:


> Did you really lose 125 lbs??  Or did you mean 25 lbs?


I presume the stbx is about 125 lbs...


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## Clay2013

bandit.45 said:


> It can go both ways.
> 
> If she comes out of the fog... and is not too proud... she may have that _down-on-her-knees-begging-with-snot-running_ moment...
> 
> OR...
> 
> She will lash out and go on a smear campaign against him...telling everyone who will listen what a horrible, mean, spiteful person her ex-husband is.


When I booted my xW out it was the latter. She had no problem walking away from the kids. She informed her family and everyone I pushed her away. I was abusive. I heard so many things that I just got sick of it all. I completely cut off her family to the kids and I shut her down to writing certified letters. She tried to pass notes through the kids but i just threw them in the trash. 

Its a tragedy we can't brand them on the way out the door lol 

Sorry.  

C


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## happy as a clam

dubsey said:


> I presume the stbx is about 125 lbs...


Ooops! I'm quite slow today...

:rofl:


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## BetrayedDad

Todi said:


> Things started moving really quickly.





Todi said:


> Well. As of today, our house is under contract (sold in 3 days.) The house is 80% packed. We have 2 weeks to be OUT. And last night, she signed uncontested divorce papers that are Fair. Pretty much just child support and we worked out a 5/9 split that will allow us to both work full time...





Todi said:


> But the easiest 125 lbs I've ever LOST!


I've said it 100 times on TAM. If you're 100% set on divorce, the best way to ensure favorable terms is to move AS FAST AS POSSIBLE.

The longer you drag it out, the more time they have to "think about things", "become bitter and entitled" and have people "whisper in their ear".

Use the WS fog to YOUR advantage. I was divorced in less than 30 days and got a sweet deal. Good man! Keep it up! I'm routing for you bro.

Once everything is final. Expose OM and STBXW to EVERYONE you know. This one was a no brainer, glad you took our advice. We've been in your shoes.


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## Todi

dubsey said:


> I presume the stbx is about 125 lbs...


^^^ this.


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## happyman64

Todi
Good for you. Glad you got out with your pants on and fair custody. 

Keep the focus on you and the kids. You cannot control your wife nor can you control how she will behave when she has the kids. 

Just provide the stability and love your kids always expect from you. 

They will draw their own conclusions as they get older. 

HM
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy

What did you hear her say on the VAR that made you finally pull the trigger?


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## GusPolinski

Todi said:


> Quick update on my situation for any that might care.
> 
> It's been 1.5 weeks since confronting the wife with VAR evidence and tell her it's done. Things started moving really quickly. Contacting Realtor, Meeting with Attorney, etc...
> 
> Well. As of today, our house is under contract (sold in 3 days.) The house is 80% packed. We have 2 weeks to be OUT. And last night, she signed uncontested divorce papers that are Fair. Pretty much just child support and we worked out a 5/9 split that will allow us to both work full time...
> 
> Most crazy 1.5 weeks of my life. But the easiest 125 lbs I've ever LOST!


Damn. That was fast.

Do you already have another placed lined up?


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## Todi

GusPolinski said:


> Damn. That was fast.
> 
> Do you already have another placed lined up?


Fast indeed. It's like a roller coaster that never gets past the initial drop!

Finding a place is the last piece, and unfortunately the buyers needed to move in sooner than later, giving us only 3 weeks (2 left.) I'm going out with a realtor tonight to look at 4 possible properties to buy. If nothing works out, I will probably rent for a year while I figure everything out.


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## Todi

the guy said:


> What did you hear her say on the VAR that made you finally pull the trigger?


All I needed was concrete proof that she had broken one of the last guidelines we had setup. My spider sense has been fairly spot-on over the last 3.5 years I think. I felt the need to use a VAR because she knew all the old tricks... I didn't expect to catch anything immediately.

What I did catch was her waiting in her car (I assume in the parking garage of her work for 10+ minutes.) Heard another card door close, then she turns off vehicle. I hear guys voice explaining that he got held up arguing with his wife and that he need to plan for it. Then I hear my wife compliment his shirt... Then she asks "What were you arguing about? Your new Girlfriend...? *giggles*". In all honestly, they could have talked about the weather and I could have told by her voice that it was more than that.

Haven't felt that surge of adrenaline in YEARS! My heart was almost beating out of my chest... Felt so angry, yet vindicated "I CAUGHT YOU *****!"

That was the final straw... Concrete proof the 1st time the VAR was in her vehicle. I really lucked out IMO. Hard to believe it was only 1.5 weeks ago.


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## BetrayedDad

Todi said:


> Haven't felt that surge of adrenaline in YEARS! My heart was almost beating out of my chest... Felt so angry, yet vindicated "I CAUGHT YOU *****!"


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uldc1oXpMCE


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## GusPolinski

Todi said:


> Fast indeed. It's like a roller coaster that never gets past the initial drop!
> 
> Finding a place is the last piece, and unfortunately the buyers needed to move in sooner than later, giving us only 3 weeks (2 left.) I'm going out with a realtor tonight to look at 4 possible properties to buy. If nothing works out, I will probably rent for a year while I figure everything out.


I seriously doubt that you're going to be able to buy and close on a new home within 2 weeks.

Might want to look into renting for the time being.


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## Todi

GusPolinski said:


> I seriously doubt that you're going to be able to buy and close on a new home within 2 weeks.
> 
> Might want to look into renting for the time being.


Me too. But if I find something that works, I could find a way to wait out a bit more time. Renting is probably the better idea for the next 12 months at least anyways...


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## bandit.45

125 pounds of cheatin' heart.


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## farsidejunky

Is that a country song?


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## G.J.

1.5 weeks !!!!!!!!!

I present you Todi with the offical TAM cup for sorting out the bvtch 

or S.O.B. for short


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## bandit.45

farsidejunky said:


> Is that a country song?


Has that feel to it doesn't it?


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## Dyokemm

BetrayedDad,

lmao....great pic.

Man, I miss that show.


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## BetrayedDad

Dyokemm said:


> BetrayedDad,
> 
> lmao....great pic.
> 
> Man, I miss that show.


Me too man.... 

Easily, one of the funniest comedians of our generation.


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## OldWolf57

T, there are ways to get in a house if it's empty, and livable while in escrow.
If you find one you like, have your realtor offer a $1000 more of earnest money alone with your with your report, and ok from the bank.
In RE, we never say it can't be done !!!


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## weightlifter

Did you out the om to his wife?

Grats on no alimony.

Did she just give in that the marriage was over?


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## MattMatt

farsidejunky said:


> Is that a country song?


If it isn't, it damn well should be. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## eastsouth2000

when telling the POSOM wife. best do it face to face. with evidence in tow!


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## G.J.

eastsouth2000 said:


> when telling the POSOM wife. best do it face to face. with evidence in tow!


Yep...make your wife wear handcuffs for a more dramatic effect :wink2:


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## Todi

Quick update for anyone that might care...

It's been over 2 weeks since my last update.

Divorce was written up, we agreed on everything, no fighting. It was filed about 2 weeks ago. 

House sold in 3 days, we closed today. She is living with her parents. I'm living with a friend for two weeks until I close on my new home.

We submitted a motion to the court to waive our 90-day waiting period (stupid Utah.) Just to make buying new houses less potentially messy. I was told 3-7 days until we knew if the judge ok'd or denied the motion. It's been over 10.. UGH.

Decided to go through with the purchase though. My kids need stability and I don't think my STBXW would try to start **** this late in the game or afterwards. Especially since no marital funds are being used in the purchase/down payment.

Could be a total of 6 weeks between confronting her and moving into a new home as a new person... Now to figure out who I am again and focus on myself and my two kiddos.

Wish me luck!


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## JohnA

Wow, I thought bananapel was decisive. Her head most be doing now stop 360.

Take time to read threads in life after divorce. My sister has kids. I warned her the divorce was the easy part, now comes the hard part. Particularly if you married a world class mom.s boy.


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## happyman64

Todi

You don't need any luck. You are doing great.

Get in that new house, focus on yourself and the kids.

Everything else will fall into place.

Glad you finally made up your mind to ditch the cheating boat anchor.

HM


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## Chaparral

Have you let posom's wife know what he is doing and your wife is now single?


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## GusPolinski

Chaparral said:


> Have you let posom's wife know what he is doing and your wife is now single?



My thoughts exactly. Once the divorce is final, OMW should be the very first person that you call.


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## Mrtruth

Yeah I'd call the omw and I would go out of my way to confront him...no not the way you are thinking. Walk up to him with a serious face get right in his face still looking serious then yell out ohh myyy god thank you so so so much for taking my wife off my hands.....I will never ever be able to thank you enough for this. Then give him a big hug and walk away.


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## Todi

Chaparral said:


> Have you let posom's wife know what he is doing and your wife is now single?


Not making ripples, let alone waves until everything is final... But SOON!


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## GusPolinski

JohnA said:


> Wow, I thought bananapel was decisive. Her head most be doing now stop 360.
> 
> Take time to read threads in life after divorce. My sister has kids. I warned her the divorce was the easy part, now comes the hard part. Particularly if you married a world class mom.s boy.


While I don't want to take anything away from @Todi here (because it's great that he's finally managed to work up to this), I'll point out that it's taken him at least a couple of years and a half-dozen threads to achieve this.

@Bananapeel is pretty much -- IMHO -- the gold standard as far as decisive BHs go around here.

Todi... awesome updates, man. Keep on keepin' on.


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## JohnA

Hi Gus, 

I didn't realize Todi had earlier posts. So to revise my earlier statement: to the TAM members who never gave up on Todi, YOU did great!!! To help people like Todi is the best reward for being here. So many posters fade away and it is sad to know they have given up. The most recent example to date NavyTec. I hope to hear from him again and that henis alive and kicking ass !

But my final thought holds true: when kids are involved, divorce is the easy part. The hard part is getting the kids grown up hole. Step back and reflect. A WS cheats on every one, they have a chacter flaw that has damaged everyone. Among other "wisdom" they have taught their children: how to cheat.


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## Todi

This will be my last update on this thread...

I've been in my new house for over a full week now. The judge did sign the waiver of the 90 day waiting period with only a couple days to spare before I closed. I was able to buy the house as a SINGLE man.

My divorce is final and I'm now finding that I have time to reflect on everything. It's been the most insane roller coaster ride of my life and we seem to have never left the initial steep drop!

My kids are doing as well as can be expected. I'm still on good terms with the Ex and we will be good co-parents. She is actually moving to the same city I'm in, so it will be great for the kids. And only a slim chance we'll run into each other at the grocery store.

I'm finding that this is the first time that the loneliness has been able to set in. Especially when I go almost a week at a time without seeing my kiddos. Even so, I'm so glad I no longer have the stress and weight on my shoulders of worrying about an unfaithful spouse.

I'm finding that the thought of dating is both intimidating, scary and exciting all at once. I think I'm going to take a lot of time before I jump into anything though. I've been hiking more, trail running and going out with friends on the weekends. I still worry about how to move on and be able to trust another woman. More so wondering if my issues with trust will carry over after being married to an untrustworthy wife for years.

Either way, I might start new posts in "Life after Divorce", but I think I'm done coping with the infidelity in my marriage. I'll probably continue to lurk and hopefully be able to help someone else like many of you have been able to help me over the last few years!

Here's to the future!


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## happyman64

Todi

Did you ever clue in the OM's wife?


HM


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## ThePheonix

Todi said:


> I still worry about how to move on and be able to trust another woman. More so wondering if my issues with trust will carry over after being married to an untrustworthy wife for years.


This may sound like I'm insulting your intelligence but in your replacement partner pursuits, but cognizant that most, including you, are attracted to the same personality traits in a woman. My advise is that once you can see clear, review her personality characteristics (excessive need for attention, thrill seeker ,easily bored, need to be center of attention, big ego or very low self esteem, a party girl, etc.) Regardless of what you might hear, relationship happiness is key to a woman not seeking outside interest. Find one that proves she thinks your the cat's pajamas. If she tries to change you, it means she's not happy with you as you are and the it will escalate in time.


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## Divinely Favored

Did you leave the OMW twisting in the wind? Or did you do the honorable thing and tell her?


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## Todi

happyman64 said:


> Todi
> 
> Did you ever clue in the OM's wife?
> 
> 
> HM





Divinely Favored said:


> Did you leave the OMW twisting in the wind? Or did you do the honorable thing and tell her?


I dropped her a line. It seemed like the polite thing to do...


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## Divinely Favored

Well done


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