# Something finally sunk in for me



## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Most everyone here knows me by now and my story. Basically distant wife etc.etc. We have sex usually once a week, but mostly duty sex. I am always thinking of ways to make sex better between us with no real results. She mostly lays there while I work my butt off trying to make her O. 

I decided I was going to quit making better sex my goal. I backed off and acted as if sex was the last thing I wanted. No sexual innuendoes, no touching, no compliments, and so forth. 

I started working on things around the house without prompting. She needed some things that required my assistance and I eagerly did it making sure it was what she exactly wanted. I never acted like she owed me.

After a couple of weeks of doing this, I have noticed more intrest and a little more passion during sex. Not a dramatic change, but a noticeable change.

I guess what I'm saying is try making a strong connection and maybe the rest will follow.

Has anyone else experienced this?


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## john1068 (Nov 12, 2013)

Thound said:


> Most everyone here knows me by now and my story. Basically distant wife etc.etc. We have sex usually once a week, but mostly duty sex. I am always thinking of ways to make sex better between us with no real results. She mostly lays there while I work my butt off trying to make her O.
> 
> I decided I was going to quit making better sex my goal. I backed off and acted as if sex was the last thing I wanted. No sexual innuendoes, no touching, no compliments, and so forth.
> 
> ...


Yes, absolutely. For me I made these changes back in November 2013. October my W and I had sex twice - my B-day and her B-day, and not even on our our anniversary...

I found TAM when I started looking at how to deal with where our marriage was...I confirmed no affair, either ongoing or in the past...I read His Needs Her Needs and started to put the things I learned to work - listening to her, fulfilling her emotional needs, sharing with her my feelings (I keep them bottled up), helping more around the house without being asked. Complimenting her looks.

So far in January, the sex count sits at 9. But the benefits are much more than sexual. She's more affectionate to me. She actually "glows" at times. She "feels" prettier. And all of this feeds back to her affection toward me. 

It's been a learning experience, I'm not done yet...FYI, together 25 years, married 22 years, I'm 45, she's 44.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Thound said:


> Most everyone here knows me by now and my story. Basically distant wife etc.etc. We have sex usually once a week, but mostly duty sex. I am always thinking of ways to make sex better between us with no real results. She mostly lays there while I work my butt off trying to make her O.
> 
> I decided I was going to quit making better sex my goal. I backed off and acted as if sex was the last thing I wanted. No sexual innuendoes, no touching, no compliments, and so forth.
> 
> ...


Sometimes it works in the opposite. Your wife ISN'T using you, she must love you for it to work the way you are saying.


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## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

I once thought as you did... until I realized I shoulda been doing these things anyway... after all, it's my responsibility as much as hers... and I dont want sex as a payment/reward.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Accipiter777 said:


> I once thought as you did... until I realized I shoulda been doing these things anyway... after all, it's my responsibility as much as hers... and the I dont want sex as a payment/reward.


Yes you should be doing it. However if the lady was using you, it won't help your case one bit, and she can even behave more badly as a result of it. With someone that loves you it fills their love.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Accipiter777 said:


> I once thought as you did... until I realized I shoulda been doing these things anyway... after all, it's my responsibility as much as hers... and the I dont want sex as a payment/reward.


That's pretty much how I feel now, but I'm thick headed. It took me almost 32 years of marriage to figure it out.

Also what I didn't mention in first post is that I have become more of a leader, and I have quit being needy and pouty.


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## Mulligan (Nov 24, 2013)

I think there is a lot to be gained by removing sex as a contentious issue in a marriage. One party wants it, angles for it, expects it, hopes for it, while the other party feels stalked by it and treats it like an obligation. When sex is no longer the elephant in the room, everyone can relax a bit and that is a good thing.

I also think that there is a lot to be gained by making yourself more attractive to your spouse. That may be from doing things around the house, or getting in shape and being more physically attractive, or improving your attitude (because you're not brooding over the lack of sex). I think if you become happier and more confident, you are usually more attractive to your spouse and are more likely to get sex. How you find that happiness and confidence will vary from person to person.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

"Has anyone else experienced this?" 


Yes. 
Sometimes I think sex gets put up too high on the list. But then again maybe that is my 52 year old self talking and not my 20 year old self.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Sex or emotional connection? I don't see one happening without the other unless I'm a couple decades older than my current mid 50's...

You can stop thinking about sex and put your effort into knitting doilies. If you can knit without massive resentment and anger you're ahead of many people .


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

Mulligan said:


> I think there is a lot to be gained by removing sex as a contentious issue in a marriage.


I did this several years ago and started the 180 for myself. My happiness level has gone up dramatically however I still am not getting laid.

YMMV


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

I think as we get older sex does drop down the list of priorities...but it should still be on the list, maybe in the top five, if not cretainly top ten.

Do eighty year olds have sex? I sincerely hope so, though probably on teh kitchen table, in the shower etc but I hope they have 'gentle' sex atleast a couple of times a month, health permitting!!

For those of us in sexless marriages now....God help us when we are 80! Hope I don't get arthritis in my hands ;-)


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