# Sexless marriage....not sure what to do



## LonelyHousewife (Jun 3, 2015)

Hello everyone. I'm new to this site but I have been looking for a place to ask advice about my marriage and this seems like a good community to get some help.
My husband and I have been together for 8 years and married for almost 3. I am 31 and he is 30. When we first started dating I worked 2 jobs (6 days a week) and he went to school 2 and a half hours away. We only saw each other every other weekend, plus his room mate never left us alone so we would have sex once a month sometimes twice if we were lucky.
I assumed this would change when we moved in together but sex was always infrequent with us. We had a lot of issues during our relationship, we both lost our jobs at one point, depression, bankruptcy, losing our home, family members passing away suddenly, we were separated for a few months while I took care of my mother after she had a mastectomy and chemo,etc, so I wasn't too concerned with our less than fulfilling sex life.
I tried to initiate sex several times till I got tired of being rejected. He was always too tired, or too stressed. I eventually found out that he was flirting with women online, telling them he was single, though they were all long distance and he hadn't slept with any of them. I forgave him and we moved on.
After our situation improved I wanted our sex life to improve but it didn't. I once again tried to initiate but his response was always I'm too tired right now. When I would bring up the fact that it had been 2 or 3 or 4 months since we had last had sex, he would respond "Oh really? Well we can have sex now if you want". It always hurt when he said that but I always said yes because I wanted to have sex. I've always had a high sex drive and felt like I was climbing the walls.
Before we got married, we talked about the things we wanted in our marriage, where we wanted to live, how we would raise our children and so on. I told him I wanted to have sex at least once a week. Physical intimacy is important and he agreed. We had just moved to our new apartment a week before we got married so we agreed to have a fresh start. 
We had sex on our wedding night and again a week later but then months passed. 
In August it will be 1 year since we last had sex. I brought up the fact that it had been so long and he gave his usual response of "well we can have sex now if you want" and I snapped and told him no. Those words didn't get me in the mood much to his surprise since I had always agreed before.

I don't know what to do. I don't just want to be a chore to him, something he needs to get done in the week. I don't want our sex life to be an afterthought. I want to be wanted. I want him to seduce me and make me his. I want him to want to have sex with me when I initiate it (I haven't initiated in months, the rejection just got to be too painful), but the truly sad thing is that the longer it goes on now, the less I care.
In my head I'm thinking about what my life will be like when we are no longer together, will I meet someone who wants me, and am I just wasting my life with a man who doesn't truly love me? 
I do love my husband. In every other way we are perfect together but this is just eating away at my heart and making me lose any desire to be with him. It hurts because I don't want to leave him but it feels like he is pushing me away. Or perhaps because its been going on for so long he thinks I'll just keep accepting ti or something.

So any advice?
Sorry this is so long.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

LonelyHousewife said:


> Hello everyone. I'm new to this site but I have been looking for a place to ask advice about my marriage and this seems like a good community to get some help.
> My husband and I have been together for 8 years and married for almost 3. I am 31 and he is 30. When we first started dating I worked 2 jobs (6 days a week) and he went to school 2 and a half hours away. We only saw each other every other weekend, plus his room mate never left us alone so we would have sex once a month sometimes twice if we were lucky.
> I assumed this would change when we moved in together but sex was always infrequent with us. We had a lot of issues during our relationship, we both lost our jobs at one point, depression, bankruptcy, losing our home, family members passing away suddenly, we were separated for a few months while I took care of my mother after she had a mastectomy and chemo,etc, so I wasn't too concerned with our less than fulfilling sex life.
> I tried to initiate sex several times till I got tired of being rejected. He was always too tired, or too stressed. I eventually found out that he was flirting with women online, telling them he was single, though they were all long distance and he hadn't slept with any of them. I forgave him and we moved on.
> ...


You are clearly unfulfilled in your marriage and I am sorry you are going through it. Your husband's indifference indicates he is in some kind funk/fog or really just is not as into the marriage. The fog might that he is getting attention elsewhere, or he might be depressed and disappointed with his life in a that has nothing to do with you. 

You should know that an affair is a real possibility, but is not for certain with the info here. If you give us more information about his behavior and if any of it is suspicious we could evaluate that to better precision and give focused advice on affair discovery.

Regardless, what you do know is that your marriage is not meeting your needs and you seem to the only one that cares one way or the other. Ask for marriage counseling. Be prepared to leave him through the process or it will not work. Set boundaries on the time you will waste trying to get him back into the relationship. You have to be willing to end your marriage in order to have a chance to save it.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

It sounds to me that he is insecure in his performance abilities. Avoidance is one response to that insecurity. It is easier to mess around on the internet, with porn, or dirty mags than engage with a real, live woman, even your wife. If sex was real that good to him, he wouldnt avoid it. This probably has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him and his sexual maturity level.

to rule these ideas out, ask yourself, does he have any performance issues?
When you engage in sex, how good do you think it is for him?


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## LonelyHousewife (Jun 3, 2015)

I doubt that it is an affair. We spend pretty much every moment that we aren't at work together. He comes home every night and everyone at his job knows me and we actually do a lot of activities with his coworkers and their spouses. I don't really know when he would be meeting with someone else though it's always a possibility.

He does have performance issues though. He has high estrogen at least his body indicates that he does. I've asked him to go to the doctor but he says he's too busy at work to take the time off for a check up. About a 1/3 of the time that we started having sex he would lose his erection. 
I tried to help him by doing the things he likes. He enjoys light bondage so I let him tie me up and struggle since he likes it. However, this only works occasionally and I honestly haven't tried it in a while because I'm tired of rejection. I haven't initiated in months and neither has he.
He's very affectionate and playful. He likes to grab my butt and play with my chest but it never goes beyond that. When I try to take it to the next level he backs away and claims to be tired. I would prefer he didn't do it because with him kissing and touching me, I get turned on and then nothing happens.

He seems to really enjoy it and always says we should do it more often but that doesn't happen.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

From were I'm sitting the one that needs to be tied up is your old man. The why I see it is you need to tease the shyt out of him and maybe even throw on a male chastity device....LOL...all's I'm saying is maybe he is rubbing one out way to much.

Seriously those 20 minute showers have to stop and see if he can go a week with out throwing a load when you are not looking....I bet he would do a lot more then smack your @ss and cop a feel!

I bet he is spanking the monkey more then you know, so quietly check it out, he probably has cum rags all over the place and when you do catch his @ss rubbing one out and not giving it to you...then all the more reason to tie his butt up and .....well you figure it out!

I could be wrong, but don't blame me for thinking out side the box.


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## mjalex (Mar 5, 2015)

How is your emotional relationship?
A stronger emotional connection could lead to a greater physical connection.

Also, it is very embarrassing to be in the position of losing an erection. Perhaps he's afraid of that happening again? He doesn't have to worry about that if sex is never initiated.

When you two are alone, what do you do together? It could be very telling!


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## LonelyHousewife (Jun 3, 2015)

I'm sure he masturbates though I've never found anything related to it. When I asked him how often he does it, he told me once maybe twice a week. 
Our emotional relationship is great. I share everything with him and he does the same. We talk about everything including our sex problems though that's the one thing he doesn't seem to like to talk about.
When we're alone, we usually are cuddled up on the couch. We spend most nights watching stuff on hulu with my head on his chest and his arm on my waist. We always end up making out but when I want to take it further he says later when what we're watching is done or says he's too tired to have sex. If I try to push it he pulls away and gets mad that I pushed it even though he said no.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
This sounds like a classic Low Desire / High Desire (see the threads on LD / HD) issue, EXCEPT for his flirting online. Most LD people do not have a lot of interest in sex and so are not that likely to flirt. 

You have every reason to be unhappy, no one should have to live in a sexless marriage if they have a healthy partner.

On the occasions where you did have sex, did he seem more or less adventurous than you? 

The best model I can come up with is that he has low desire. The online flirting was his trying to see if he was attracted to anyone else, because he didn't feel a sexual attraction to you. I suspect he didn't find the others attractive either. 

This is very unlikely to be a problem with you our with anything you do or do not do - but is there anything about you that would be a major turn-off to men? Has he made any negative comments? (again, I think its very unlikely, but I'm just asking).

He could be truly low desire. He could be gay and in denial. 


You are going to spend your life miserable and frustrated if things stay like this, and that frustration will turn into resentment for him. You need to fix this. I think you need to talk with him - let him know just how much this affects you. Offer to go to counseling. Don't just let it go on - otherwise you will be like some of the posters here who have spent decades waiting for things to improve - and who now feel that they are out of options.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

If you don't have kids, divorce. If he has gone a year without sex this is not likely to ever change significantly enough for you to feel desired and wanted. He's a great friend, and that is all.

Go find a lover and friend in one man.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

LonelyHousewife said:


> I doubt that it is an affair. We spend pretty much every moment that we aren't at work together. He comes home every night and everyone at his job knows me and we actually do a lot of activities with his coworkers and their spouses. I don't really know when he would be meeting with someone else though it's always a possibility.
> 
> He does have performance issues though. He has high estrogen at least his body indicates that he does. *I've asked him to go to the doctor but he says he's too busy at work to take the time off for a check up. About a 1/3 of the time that we started having sex he would lose his erection.*
> I tried to help him by doing the things he likes. He enjoys light bondage so I let him tie me up and struggle since he likes it. However, this only works occasionally and I honestly haven't tried it in a while because I'm tired of rejection. I haven't initiated in months and neither has he.
> ...


Sounds like low testosterone. Push the issue of going to the doctor. He can't take time away from work to go to one visit? Bull. Let him know that this is affecting YOU and you've had enough of it. If he still won't go, see Anon Pink's advice above.


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## Kitt (Jun 3, 2015)

This sounds very frustrating. I agree that his testosterone levels needs to be checked and he needs a full check up. There could be a medical reason for this. Sex life is usually a good indicator of what is going on in the marriage so I'm having a hard time with your perspective that everything is good otherwise. Could there be some deep seated resentment or trust issues?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

After years of being serially rejected and cohabitating with a zombie, you naturally feel undesirable. How could you not? You've been "told" that daily for years. It's a lie and the world is chock full of men who would love to pursue you. You are like a fox with it's foot caught in a trap. You wonder that if you were released, would you be able to run. You can't run, now and you won't be able to until you ditch the zombie. He's been this way throughout your entire marriage? I don't think I'd waste a day trying to help him change. You've lost 8 years of your life. I wouldn't toss another one at him.


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## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

Sounds like there are two different questions:

(1) How do you feel about spending the rest of your life with someone with less sexual desire than you'd prefer, and

(2) How do you feel about spending the rest of your life with someone who doesn't care that he's hurting you?

For me, #1 falls into the category of, "Oh well, people just aren't perfectly matched, at least not in all ways."

#2 could have been, "He shows his love for me by doing extra to make me happy," but instead is, "He doesn't love me."

If you decide to keep trying to make it work, I'd suggest you not just be mysteriously unhappy, but remind him daily of why you're unhappy, because from my experience LD people tend to be dense, oblivious. (Maybe they're doing some power and control things, too, but could be significantly unaware.)


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Remember Hold's 2 rules for mismatched libidos:
1. Never get married to someone while the mismatch exists. It isn't fair to either of you.
2. Never have kids with someone while the mismatch exists. It isn't fair to the kids.

Add to that the following observation: LD males who were always LD and who resist seeking help never improve if they stay with the same partner. You are extremely unlikely to resolve this to your liking. Make your decision on that basis. Do not fret that if you stayed longer or tried something else you could have resolved the sexual mismatch. Isn't going to happen.


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## LonelyHousewife (Jun 3, 2015)

Thank you all for no pulling any punches as to what you think. It's stuff I've thought to myself many times but seeing it in print is still a shock.
I tell myself he really loves me and wouldn't hurt me intentionally but considering how many times we've talked about this and how much it hurts he must know that it's hurting me. His disinterest in going to the doctor is a slap in the face.
Maybe he resents me for something though I don't know why. He doesn't act like it. We are smiling and happy and people always saying how they wish they had a relationship like ours. What a joke.
If he refuses to go to the doctor with stupid excuses, I'll have to start looking into divorce.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

LonelyHousewife said:


> ...He does have performance issues though. He has high estrogen at least his body indicates that he does. I've asked him to go to the doctor but he says he's too busy at work to take the time off for a check up. About a 1/3 of the time that we started having sex he would lose his erection.
> 
> ...He's very affectionate and playful. He likes to grab my butt and play with my chest but it never goes beyond that. When I try to take it to the next level he backs away and claims to be tired. I would prefer he didn't do it because with him kissing and touching me, I get turned on and then nothing happens.
> 
> He seems to really enjoy it and always says we should do it more often but that doesn't happen.





LonelyHousewife said:


> ... I tried to initiate sex several times till I got tired of being rejected. He was always too tired, or too stressed. I eventually found out that he was flirting with women online, telling them he was single, though they were all long distance and he hadn't slept with any of them. I forgave him and we moved on.
> ...In August it will be 1 year since we last had sex. I brought up the fact that it had been so long and he gave his usual response of "well we can have sex now if you want" and I snapped and told him no. Those words didn't get me in the mood much to his surprise since I had always agreed before.
> 
> ....I don't want our sex life to be an afterthought. I want to be wanted. I want him to seduce me and make me his. I want him to want to have sex with me when I initiate it (I haven't initiated in months, the rejection just got to be too painful), but the truly sad thing is that the longer it goes on now, the less I care..





LonelyHousewife said:


> I'm sure he masturbates though I've never found anything related to it. When I asked him how often he does it, he told me once maybe twice a week.
> 
> ...Our emotional relationship is great. I share everything with him and he does the same. We talk about everything including our sex problems though that's the one thing he doesn't seem to like to talk about.
> 
> ..When we're alone, we usually are cuddled up on the couch. We spend most nights watching stuff on hulu with my head on his chest and his arm on my waist. We always end up making out but when I want to take it further he says later when what we're watching is done or says he's too tired to have sex. If I try to push it he pulls away and gets mad that I pushed it even though he said no.





LonelyHousewife said:


> ...I tell myself he really loves me and wouldn't hurt me intentionally but considering how many times we've talked about this and how much it hurts he must know that it's hurting me. *His disinterest in going to the doctor is a slap in the face.
> **Maybe he resents me for something *though I don't know why. *He doesn't act like it*. We are smiling and happy and people always saying how they wish they had a relationship like ours. What a joke.
> If he refuses to go to the doctor with stupid excuses, I'll have to start looking into divorce.


OK, I feel some of what you are going through having been in an SSM. 

First let me start that it is normal to want to find your partner to blame for your problems. He probably doesn't resent you. His not going to the doctor is not negative on you, your attractiveness or his love for you.

The guy has performance issues and is afraid to confront them. You comment about estrogen has me very concerned because metabolic syndrome is a serious pre-diabetes issue that affects many men and can lead to errection problems if untreated. He sound in many respects like this might be part of his problem. 

He probably knows he has some medical issues and is just trying to ignore them. It takes a brave man to accept that he has a medical problem and to accept that he needs to take charge and deal with it.

My suggestion is to first drop all your anger directed toward him due to his not meeting your sexual needs. This will be very hard. But show him love. Then, sit down with him and tell him that he is important to you and that you want to grow old together with him and you are concerned about his health. Tell him that errection problems for men are fairly common in the US and can be advanced signals of some fairly serious diseases from heart disease, to diabetes, etc. Tell him that you need him to see a doctor for a complete medical check up and if need be you will find one that is available after normal business hours or on weekends.

Again, his problems are his and do not reflect negatively on you. That was one of the hardest lessons I had to learn in recovering from my SSM.

Good luck.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
From what I've seen, it seems that most LD people have an extremely difficult time understanding how much they are hurting their partners, no matter how often they are told.


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## arabian (Jun 3, 2015)

"sexless marriage"...euphemism for paying a shrink / a hooker to talk about your issues isn't it?


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> From what I've seen, it seems that most LD people have an extremely difficult time understanding how much they are hurting their partners, no matter how often they are told.


Exactly. See my signature.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

LonelyHousewife said:


> His disinterest in going to the doctor is a slap in the face.
> Maybe he resents me for something though I don't know why. He doesn't act like it. We are smiling and happy and people always saying how they wish they had a relationship like ours. What a joke.
> If he refuses to go to the doctor with stupid excuses, I'll have to start looking into divorce.


The whole thing is very odd. I can't imagine a man fondling a woman's chest and not wanting to have sex. But I digress...

You have brought this up to him obviously but have you clearly stated "I am unhappy." "I can't continue to live like this." I recommend you very nicely explain that you are very concerned about your marriage because of how unloved you feel when you haven't had sex for a year and he won't prioritize seeing a doctor. I'd put a date on the calendar that this appointment needs to happen by.

He may be embarrassed to talk to a dr. about it but also, if he has such low desire ...he's perfectly happy with things the way they are. As long as you tolerate it he feels things are fine despite your bringing the subject up.

ALSO - did you say you are 31? Do you want children? You'll never have them with him if things don't change and you only have so much time to divorce and find a partner you can have a family with.


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

Sorry you are going through this. There is really only one way to solve this and that is with communication but it is evident that until you can find a way through his walls that wont happen soon. I am curious have you ever tried almost forgetting about him and taking care of urself but in front of him? That way he will either become interested and join in or become insulted and huff off. This may give u some insight into his mental status. If he becomes interested then it easier to solve than if he becomes upset. Good Luck


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

I think most husbands will not make a doc's appt. You are going have to make the appt. Call his job to get him a day off and take him to the doc. You have to handhold him and speak to the doc.

Just the way they are. I do this when ever I set up a new appt. Follows ups he can do by himself.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

arabian said:


> "sexless marriage"...euphemism for paying a shrink / a hooker to talk about your issues isn't it?


No it is not a euphemism for that. It is a real problem that hurts lots of couples.


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## magnificent27 (Jul 17, 2015)

brooklynAnn said:


> I think most husbands will not make a doc's appt. You are going have to make the appt. Call his job to get him a day off and take him to the doc. You have to handhold him and speak to the doc.
> 
> Just the way they are. I do this when ever I set up a new appt. Follows ups he can do by himself.




What kind of physical shape are the two of you in at the moment? I ask because years ago I was dating someone who was significantly overweight... after she got in shape her drive skyrocketed. For men, T levels can be impacted by diet, exercise and sleep patterns. I feel more mentally prepared to perform if I am physically fit.


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