# Just figured out he has FAS/Aspergers/ADD



## ellie-ann (Jul 29, 2014)

I've been married awhile and it's always been kind of confusing. In 2008 I tried to get us into marriage counseling without success. Long story short-After some testing it's apparent he is struggling with a number of issues. I am kind of miserable and don't know what to do. For now, how to I treat someone with a really bad memory, no empathy and an inability to be intimate?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Are you diagnosing him, or is a professional? And if he's not willing to work on his issues, does it matter what the label is?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ellie-ann (Jul 29, 2014)

Professional diagnosis. Also, his mother told me she drank when she was pregnant with him. He has mild Aspergers and ADD. Also major anxiety and ADD.

He is going to therapy, but not very often, and only takes anxiety medication that isn't sufficient. He blanks out a lot when we talk...no answer at all. Also, doesn't show empathy and we haven't had sex in 6 years-which doesn't seem to bother him!

Thanks for the reminder "if he isn't working on it, it doesn't matter" I need to remind myself of that!!

Wondering if other people have lived with this and fell out of love because of it. Or have you left and never looked back?


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## Boottothehead (Sep 3, 2013)

My first husband had some mental health issues and went through cycles of taking care of them and denying he had them. I still get my back up when I hear sweeping generalizations about people with mental illness. In the end, though, he was the only one who could take care of himself - I couldn't do it for him.
Is there a chapter of NAMI where you live? It's a little 12-step-ish, but they do have a support group for spouses and family members, which was a godsend.


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## ellie-ann (Jul 29, 2014)

Thank you for earnest response boot, yes there is a NAMI chapter here. Thanks for the suggestion. I don't know which route to take with this. I am trying to be compassionate with him and take care of myself. Yes, he needs to be the one to accept it and deal with it.

Did you fall out of love because of his illness?


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## Boottothehead (Sep 3, 2013)

He cheated on me with someone from his work, and didn't want to work on rebuilding the marriage. I honestly don't know if it was his personality or his illness. I tried very hard over the years to be supportive, and it took me a while to get to the point where you are: realizing that I can and should take care of myself first.


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## ellie-ann (Jul 29, 2014)

Sorry to hear that, that must've been painful. I've wondered a lot about what is illness and what is personality. I think I can tell some of it now. It's hard because you want to be compassionate yet not put up with the mistreatment.
My husband is trying (so he says) and has made some changes. He is a really good person. And I have decided not to let him make life decisions for us because he cannot. For example, I need to save for retirement and he spends freely. I just don't go along with it and save what I can and don't complain.
I'm just not attracted to him anymore at all and don't think I ever will be. I am honest with him. He needs to decide how much he wants to put up with.


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## poppyseed (Dec 22, 2013)

ellie-ann said:


> I am kind of miserable and don't know what to do. For now, how to I treat someone with a really bad memory, no empathy and an inability to be intimate?


A bad memory can be neurological, which would make it a medical condition. Not sure how old this gentleman is and what he does for a living. I have seen / met some people with ASD spectrum. No empathy / unable to be intimate : is he always like this when he was dating? 

Sometimes, people with ASD spectrum also have alexithymia. A big part of any relationship is connecting emotionally. You don't connect physically either which may in turn, affect one's emotional well-being. You may have "just figured out he wasn't or was no longer the one" by the sound of it.


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## ellie-ann (Jul 29, 2014)

Poppyseed-
He was like this when we were dating. He came from a nice, somewhat prestigious family where they had the time and ability to teach him some skills that really just seem like rehearsed learned behavior now. He is very nice, but cannot connect emotionally.
His mom said to me, "Sometimes I think J_ _ _ is the way he is because I drank when I was pregnant with him." At that time I didn't understand (1997) and I asked HIM! He just blew it off.
We pretty uch live like roommates now. I try to be kind and patient and understand, sadly, for him he is kind of disabled! He won't admit anything-I think he was taught to deny it all.
Thank you.


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## ellie-ann (Jul 29, 2014)

When he had his extensive neuropsychological testing in 2011 the Neuropsychologist said, "You don't understand the meanings of things." That was devastating but it fit like a glove.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

tough spot

I don't think any solution is right or wrong of whether you leave or stay


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## ellie-ann (Jul 29, 2014)

Time will tell! I think the most important issue is his well-being. I can take care of myself..he cannot as well as I can. I matter too, but I don't want to injure him any further. 
His therapist is helping him identify his issues and work on them.
It's been really painful and grievous for me; a failed marriage at my age. But I am trying to look forward. I suppose it could've been worse, he could've been abusive and he's not.


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## poppyseed (Dec 22, 2013)

ellie-ann said:


> His mom said to me, "Sometimes I think J_ _ _ is the way he is because I drank when I was pregnant with him." .


I'm curious ellie-ann. How old was his Dad when your H was conceived? 
I often think "Aspergers" is a convenient diagnosis for clinicians but support for their partners/ spouses would be terribly hard to come by.

If he's earning a good living and is co-operative with you then that's not a bad foundation to build on. You are essentially a care taker for him and his family probably saw you as a good carer who will stick around to look after him. His parents will some day pass and he will be left all alone. 

I think it's a very lucky situation for him. Some of them would end up in institutions.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Trying Tilda is also married to someone with FAS... Here is her thread:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/191690-unbearable.html

Perhaps it would be helpful for you to read.


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## ellie-ann (Jul 29, 2014)

Both his parents are gone. His father was 36, 15 years older than mom. 
At our wedding shower someone came up to my mother and said, "She will take good care of him." My mom didn't tell me until last year! The reception was his home town.
He tries to be cooperative, but because of his "wiring" he is confused!!
Thanks for the other link to TT.
I don't want to think of this as a mess, but it kinda is. What is the most positive solution? I don't think I can go on like this forever. We have no kids.


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## poppyseed (Dec 22, 2013)

ellie-ann said:


> What is the most positive solution? I don't think I can go on like this forever. We have no kids.


I dunno..to be honest, it's debatable whether you have any ground for D. You would need to speak to a lawyer, perhaps. D under unreasonable behaviour, perhaps? But, you KNEW he had this condition. It's a disability, isn't it? I'm surprised that this sort of discussion never came up before. I guess, the idea and the reality are two different things... Having said that, it might be some consolation if I told you there's the high divorce rate amongst people with ASD? 

So, you are not unusual in that sense. You tried and didn't work. Your spouse got ASD which would have put so much strain on the relationship. That's just my view.


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