# Dealing with lack of respect



## jls (Sep 26, 2013)

Lately my husband and I have been fighting a lot, usually over stupid things. He has depression and finally went to the doctor and will be starting medication as soon as our insurance approves it.

Until then, I need help in figuring out how to respond to him. His latest comment has me furious. He told me that if I'm upset with him, he can do whatever he wants, since I'm already upset, it won't make a difference. Are you kidding me?? I seriously have no idea how to even respond to that lack of respect... Does he not see that he is only making things worse? 

Any advice would be appreciated...


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## akasephiroth (Jul 29, 2010)

That type of reasoning could be due to his depression, and his depression could also be due to something more such as bi-polor. If you love him stick bye him if he is getting help. Depression can be a pain to deal with.


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## jls (Sep 26, 2013)

I do love him and don't want to leave...but it is getting so hard lately. I do regret it, but at one point, I said I was thinking about leaving him and giving up on our marriage. His response was 'go ahead, I won't try to stop you'. How can I be with someone that doesn't care about me or our marriage? He says I deserve better than him...and sometimes I agree, but if he thinks that, why can't he make an effort to make things better? When I try to talk to him about anything important, he just shuts down and stares off into space, the only reply I get is 'I don't know what to say'.


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## akasephiroth (Jul 29, 2010)

These are all signs of bi-polar depression i've been there. My mother is medicated for her's and i have gone though my own stages of the same, if he is unwilling to fight it on his own then medication is the only option. 

I would wager that if you packed your bags and started to walk out the door he would try and stop you. He needs help and love lots and lots of love. The sitting and staring into space, the hateful comments, remember this is a Sickness that is talking though him the best way to deal with it is to avoid confrontation until he's been medicated. 

Go with him to the Dr when he goes in for his depression, try to catch the Dr away from your H and talk to him about what's going on he can possibly give you a time frame of when the med will kick and and your H return to normal.


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## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

If he is suffering of depression you may try to attend some of his visits that you know how to act around him. When he says, it dont know what to say, maybe he does not know!! Sorry you have to go through this, it is very hard to live this life. Try to know his diagnosis and learn how to deal with him. Good luck!


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## jls (Sep 26, 2013)

Thank you for the input, I really appreciate it. I've never talked to anyone about this even though we've been dealing with it for awhile.

I've asked him about going to an appointment with him and he refuses. I know I just need to wait for him to start the medication and then go from there. I just feel like I'm at my breaking point so getting the reassurance from everyone here really helps.


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## akasephiroth (Jul 29, 2010)

Just to give you a idea of how bad Depression/mental disease can be here's a recent event my mom went though.

Her B/F who is also her landlord about 2 months ago showed up unannounced walked into her house took her bible and glasses and walked away without a reason. When she insisted he give them back he refused called her horrible names, told her he wanted her to move she was stealing his house. When she approached him further he poped her with a wet towel. She ended up having to call the law to have him restrained and sent to a mental hospital. He came home last week as if nothing had ever happened. His brother explained that the B/F had come off his med's. When on his med's this same man that went crazy one night, would do the most random acts of kindness, he went and purchased my mom a $300 A/C unit over the summer because he had heard my mom coughing and thought it might be due to the heat. 

If you love your H hold in there if he's getting help you will see a huge change.


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## jls (Sep 26, 2013)

Thank you for sharing that and I'm sorry that your mom has to deal with that. It does give me hope that things can get better. 

My husband says the only reason he went to the doctor was because I kept nagging him. But I guess that's better than nothing. Deep down, he knows there is a problem, even though he won't just come out and say it.


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## akasephiroth (Jul 29, 2010)

Also sounds like deep down he really cares for you as-well otherwise no amount of "nagging" would mattered


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

jls said:


> Lately my husband and I have been fighting a lot, usually over stupid things. He has depression and finally went to the doctor and will be starting medication as soon as our insurance approves it.
> 
> Until then, I need help in figuring out how to respond to him. His latest comment has me furious. He told me that if I'm upset with him, he can do whatever he wants, since I'm already upset, it won't make a difference. Are you kidding me?? I seriously have no idea how to even respond to that lack of respect... Does he not see that he is only making things worse?
> 
> Any advice would be appreciated...


What he may be really saying is that when you're upset with him, he feels helpless and doesn't know how to fix things, so there's no point in trying to get out of the doghouse he's already in. 

Is he right? When you're angry, what happens when he tries to make it up to you? If the answer is that he can't, or that you'll get over it whenever you feel like it, then you're playing a role in this, too.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

OP,

You are obviously being put through the mill by your husband condition and it is not surprising that you are feeling the strain.

As long as you are happy your husband's "I can do what I want" statement / attitude will not lead to abuse then do try and see things though whilst he is waiting for the medication / talking therapies to come into effect. Whilst you cannot "make him better" you can provide the support that enables him to get the professional help he needs to learn how to live with his illness.

Stay strong for your loved one but Stay safe for you all.


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## jls (Sep 26, 2013)

KathyBatesel said:


> What he may be really saying is that when you're upset with him, he feels helpless and doesn't know how to fix things, so there's no point in trying to get out of the doghouse he's already in.
> 
> Is he right? When you're angry, what happens when he tries to make it up to you? If the answer is that he can't, or that you'll get over it whenever you feel like it, then you're playing a role in this, too.


I can't answer your question because I honestly can't remember the last time he tried to make it up to me. He never apologizes. I'm always the one to apologize just to make things better, even when I don't think I'm at fault. He never tries to fix a problem, he just ignores it until I give in. 

He seems to intentionally make choices that he knows will upset me. For example, the other night he went out with some friends and told me he wouldn't be gone long and that he wouldn't spend much. After 4 hours, I call him to see what's going on and he tells me that he spent $60 and would be home soon. Well $60 is a lot to spend on himself in one night so I got upset. Not crazy upset, but more along the lines of "I thought you said you weren't spending much...you know we don't have that kind of money to throw around." So instead of coming home and apologizing, he went back inside and spent another $20.


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## jls (Sep 26, 2013)

Wiltshireman said:


> OP,
> 
> You are obviously being put through the mill by your husband condition and it is not surprising that you are feeling the strain.
> 
> ...



Thanks. I'm really not worried about abuse, and I know I just need to wait it out, but I've been dealing with this for a long time and just feel like I can't take it anymore. I just hope things start changing soon.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

jls said:


> I can't answer your question because I honestly can't remember the last time he tried to make it up to me. He never apologizes. I'm always the one to apologize just to make things better, even when I don't think I'm at fault. He never tries to fix a problem, he just ignores it until I give in.
> 
> He seems to intentionally make choices that he knows will upset me. For example, the other night he went out with some friends and told me he wouldn't be gone long and that he wouldn't spend much. After 4 hours, I call him to see what's going on and he tells me that he spent $60 and would be home soon. Well $60 is a lot to spend on himself in one night so I got upset. Not crazy upset, but more along the lines of "I thought you said you weren't spending much...you know we don't have that kind of money to throw around." So instead of coming home and apologizing, he went back inside and spent another $20.


I think it would benefit you to learn how to set boundaries and how to stand up for yourself. Giving in only allows the behavior to continue and depressed or not you have the right to be treated decently.

And boundaries won't work without consequences. At the moment he has none so nothing changes.

I also agree that he sounds bipolar. Meds will help but they aren't a cure all. Can you read up on how to live with someone who is mentally ill? Get some coping strategies.


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## jls (Sep 26, 2013)

Thanks. I have been doing some reading about it and I do feel like I'm learning some. 

Do you have any suggestions on consequences though? I feel like I can't do anything that will effect him.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

May I caution you about setting boundaries before you start trying to do this? 

You need them, for sure. However, your post about him spending $60 and then when you mentioned it, spending more and taking longer raises something in my mind that I think will prove very problematic when you do start setting boundaries.....

It sounds to me like you're in a power struggle with him. When you say, "I thought you weren't spending much, but you've spent $60," you are criticizing, which is very unhealthy for your relationship. 

Before you begin setting boundaries, please make sure you are not allowing ANY blame to come from you!

If you don't ensure that blame is NOT part of your boundary setting, you'll get a lot of boundary setting right back at ya. It won't look so much like boundary setting as World War III or the Cold War. He will turn the same tactics back on you, and it will become a duel to see who can punish who worse. 

How do you take blame out? You have to make sure that you're ONLY speaking or acting for yourself and your own actions. What he says or does is irrelevant to setting boundaries for yourself. There is a LOT of bad information out there about how to set boundaries, and I can assure you that if your relationship's in trouble now, going about establishing boundaries the wrong way will backfire. 

Also, there's not enough information here to guess at bipolar. Rebelliousness is not a mood disorder or a mental illness, and so far, that's all I've seen in what you've written.

If you'd like to read it, I have an article about how to set and enforce boundaries that you may find helpful: 

How to Set Boundaries and Be More Assertive


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## accept1 (Sep 23, 2013)

The previous poster whom I respect is right.
You are in a power struggle and you both wont give in.

No amount of medication will help and dont take his words too literally. In this situation he will say anything to upset you or shut you up.

You both have to agree to stop this power struggle.


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## dojo (Jul 4, 2011)

If he's clinically depressed his reactions are not 'his' anymore, so, while they're very hurtful, you'll need to take his words more lightly (sure, it's easier said than done). I'd wait a little for the new treatment to kick in and then see if it starts working all better


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## someone90 (May 31, 2013)

jls said:


> I do love him and don't want to leave...but it is getting so hard lately. I do regret it, but at one point, I said I was thinking about leaving him and giving up on our marriage. His response was 'go ahead, I won't try to stop you'. How can I be with someone that doesn't care about me or our marriage? He says I deserve better than him...and sometimes I agree, but if he thinks that, why can't he make an effort to make things better? When I try to talk to him about anything important, he just shuts down and stares off into space, the only reply I get is 'I don't know what to say'.


I've dealt with the exact situation. He says he doesn't care if you leave because you deserve better but a lot of that is just a front because he's hoping for some attention or affection. A lot of times logic doesn't come into play with depression. Sufferers just feel terrible and look for any way to take their feelings out, and a lot of times that includes trying to sabotage your own life.

I was in the same situation with my wife but she's doing much better now. Anti-depressants are only a band aid for some time. It will seem like they work like magic but if he gets off of them the problems are likely to come back. My wife has been using traditional chinese medicine and acupuncture and it's been working great, you might want to consider that.

I think therapy is important as well, it gives them a chance to analyze what's happening instead of just how they perceive things in their head. It's difficult for a spouse with depression to look at situations objectively so an outside voice can help a lot. 
Recently I had a fight with my wife where I mentioned things she was doing that were making me feel really insecure and upset. I knew she couldn't help the way she was feeling but I could only endure so much. She mentioned getting a divorce because she felt that she was a burden to me but I told her that she was being selfish and unfair to me, where usually I would try to comfort her in that situation. If you feed their feelings of insecurity they just snowball, sometimes it's good to fight back but not so much that they reach a mental breaking point...


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