# Need some advice!



## DesperateHousewife007 (Oct 13, 2016)

Hello! I just discovered this site and I would really like some advice. I have been married for almost 7 years. We are both in our mid twenties and healthy with one child (5 years old). In general, I'd say we are happy. But I have not been happy with our sex life for a very long time. I don't want to sound like I am putting my husband down or that I am basing our marriage off of sex, because I am not. I love him and will continue to love him, I would just like to find a solution for this issue. I can count on one hand how many times I have had an orgasm with him since we have been together. I have told him what it takes for me, what I like..etc. He just doesn't seem to care to put forth that extra effort. We have danced around this issue many times and he doesn't seem to ever take it seriously. Every time we have sex, it's just in and out. He finishes then I'm just left there to take care of myself. We have tried "new places" recently and even then, he's just in and out and done. I have bought lingerie, toys, sex games, and nothing seems to make an impact. It makes me feel unwanted, unattractive, and many other ways that I shouldn't have to feel when I have sex with someone I love. We tried tonight and it was the same old thing. When it was over, I just got dressed and left the room and now he's mad at me for being mad about it. I just don't get it! :frown2:


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## 247769 (May 18, 2016)

I understand how you feel, I'm in the same boat or rut with my wife. It can be very frustrating and hurtful. 

Sent from my XT1060 using Tapatalk


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## 247769 (May 18, 2016)

peterrabbit said:


> I understand how you feel, I'm in the same boat or rut with my wife. It can be very frustrating and hurtful.
> 
> Sent from my XT1060 using Tapatalk


We've been married for 25 years and sex seems no more exciting as doing the laundry or any other chore for her. Like you I've tried all sorts of things, some may last for a week or two then it's back to the rut. She won't even discuss it. What I've learned is you have to find your own form of contentment and release. I'm still learning.

Sent from my XT1060 using Tapatalk


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Have you asked him if he would enjoy sex if he could not have an orgasm during sex?

Either he's a very selfish, unloving man or he has no clue about sex with a woman... no clue that he needs to please you because sex is not just about him.

There are some good books on Amazon that are meant to teach men about how to please a woman. 

There is a book that some who post here suggest but I cannot remember the name of the book. It's something like "She Comes First" . Hopefully someone who post here that knows the name of that book.

You might need to get him into counseling with a marriage counselor who is also a sex therapist. 

Were I you, I'd be very tempted to tell him that sex is off the table until he agrees to do something about this.


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## DesperateHousewife007 (Oct 13, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Have you asked him if he would enjoy sex if he could not have an orgasm during sex?
> 
> Either he's a very selfish, unloving man or he has no clue about sex with a woman... no clue that he needs to please you because sex is not just about him.
> 
> ...






I think it's a mix between him being selfish and not knowing. I have tried many times to show him what I like and sometimes he will do it right then (those are the handful of times I've had an orgasm) then he just goes back to the same old thing the next time. I have brought up the idea of counseling and he's too stubborn to go for that. I love him dearly, but I am a very sexual person, so this is becoming hard for me. :frown2:


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## DesperateHousewife007 (Oct 13, 2016)

peterrabbit said:


> We've been married for 25 years and sex seems no more exciting as doing the laundry or any other chore for her. Like you I've tried all sorts of things, some may last for a week or two then it's back to the rut. She won't even discuss it. What I've learned is you have to find your own form of contentment and release. I'm still learning.
> 
> Sent from my XT1060 using Tapatalk



I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this too. The whole "it feels good" thing isn't even what gets me. It's that connection that I want.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

DesperateHousewife007 said:


> I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this too. The whole "it feels good" thing isn't even what gets me. It's that connection that I want.


Well there are two possibilities, he is embarrassed that he is not good at it and has lost his mojo, or he doesn't care enough and is selfish. The first can be fixed, the second I really don't think so. Have you impressed on him how important this is to you? Like this may be a deal breaker?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I'm sorry you are in this spot, its really difficult. I really don't know what to suggest if he just doesn't care if you enjoy sex or not. Problems with technique are easy to fix, but attitude less so. 

Many men find their partners orgasming to be incredibly arousing - separate from simply enjoying giving their partners pleasure. If if that is missing, many men want to please their partners just in order to think of themselves as great lovers. Sadly though not all do.

As peterrabbit mentioned, there are women who feel this way too, but since it is generally easier to get men to O, I think it is less often a problem. Still, there are a significant number of men and women who don't realize that an O is just one necessary part of good sex, but by itself is still not enough.

You have my sympathy, but no good ideas. You've told him, you've asked him to go to counseling. I don't have any good ideas on what else you can do.


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## DesperateHousewife007 (Oct 13, 2016)

sokillme said:


> Well there are two possibilities, he is embarrassed that he is not good at it and has lost his mojo, or he doesn't care enough and is selfish. The first can be fixed, the second I really don't think so. Have you impressed on him how important this is to you? Like this may be a deal breaker?


I have expressed it quite a few times and as I said before, he will help me "finish" that time..then it's back to the same thing. I don't know if it's this whole ordeal causing this feeling, but I truly feel like it could be that I am not as attractive to him anymore. I have gained some weight (but by looking at the girls he dated before me, he is into curvy women so that shouldn't be a big issue for him). I don't always keep myself up as I used to because now I have a child to be more concerned with. I feel like maybe I should work on myself, but then again, I don't know if that is really the root of the issue.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

DesperateHousewife007 said:


> I have expressed it quite a few times and as I said before, he will help me "finish" that time..then it's back to the same thing. I don't know if it's this whole ordeal causing this feeling, but I truly feel like it could be that I am not as attractive to him anymore. I have gained some weight (but by looking at the girls he dated before me, he is into curvy women so that shouldn't be a big issue for him). I don't always keep myself up as I used to because now I have a child to be more concerned with. I feel like maybe I should work on myself, but then again, I don't know if that is really the root of the issue.


You should work on yourself whether it's the root of the issue or not. 

Did he used to be more attentive to you sexually? If so, how long ago did this change?


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## DesperateHousewife007 (Oct 13, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> You should work on yourself whether it's the root of the issue or not.
> 
> Did he used to be more attentive to you sexually? If so, how long ago did this change?


He used to be, but I feel like that actually stopped before all the changes. It got to the point for a while that he rarely even wanted to have sex and sometimes when he did, it was out of pity because we hadn't in so long. But the issue we're dealing with now, was an issue then too. I will say though, he did have a lot going on around this time, so the fact that he never wanted it, was totally excusable. Now he actually initiates more often and "wants" it, I can definitely tell a difference in that. But he still doesn't put that extra effort into it.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

DesperateHousewife007 said:


> We tried tonight and it was the same old thing. When it was over, I just got dressed and left the room and now he's mad at me for being mad about it. I just don't get it! :frown2:


I'm sorry to hear about your story, and I hate to tell you this but men have very sensitive egos when it comes to sex. Most of us as teenagers grow up watching porn and unfortunately that serves as our educational model for female sexuality, in that we learn as soon as we put it in that you should start having orgasms nonstop and get super excited to make us orgasm fast by overwhelming us with your beauty. Much like learning that santa clause is not real, grown men also have a tough pill to swallow that most women will never be able to orgasm via simple missionary sex that last for a few minutes. For those men still struggling with the idea that it actually takes effort and communication to please a female partner, odds are that he might feel you are just broken sexually compared to everything he has seen in porn or that for some reason his penis is just not the right size needed to please you. So for that reason, getting upset that he did not please you and storming out of the room upset is going to cause BOTH of you a great deal of emotional pain. Whatever you are feeling, he is feeling it too. If this is the case, he just has a broken model of female sexuality (designed to make profit from porn) that he is using in the bedroom. 

Here is what you should try:

At first try taking responsibility for your own orgasm in an effort to "share" that experience with him. Do this during foreplay and do not allow him to penetrate you until after you have had one. Generally speaking most women know how to stimulate themselves to an orgasm within minutes, and do this while you are in his arms and making out with him or if you are brave enough perhaps allow a position so that he can see what you are doing. Do not be scared to do this, as it is most men's fantasy to watch their wife pleasure herself and it is considered a very beautiful, erotic, and emotionally intense experience for him if you can do it.

The purpose of that is to allow him to experience being there with you when it happens, and at the same time taking pressure off of him (at least momentarily) so that your orgasm becomes a source of fascination for him as opposed to something that stresses him out and causes him anxiety. 

@peacem use to be in your same situation in that her husband would be rather one-sided in the bedroom and leave her to just take care of things in the shower afterwards. She took a very proactive attitude towards her own pleasure during lovemaking, and about 100 or so explosive temper tantrums later it seems like they are finally getting the hang of it and having a much more meaningful relationship in the bedroom. So if she chimes in, her advice will likely be the most helpful for you.

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Legend (Jun 25, 2013)

One of the pillars of great sex is very open, honest communication. There is no dancing around the issues. It's honest, direct, and straightforward.

Tell your husband to quit being a selfish pr!ck. 

My wife loves to be strapped down to the bed tightly and made to submit, forcefully. How the heck would I know without honesty from her?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Legend said:


> One of the pillars of great sex is very open, honest communication. There is no dancing around the issues. It's honest, direct, and straightforward.
> 
> *Tell your husband to quit being a selfish pr!ck. *
> 
> My wife loves to be strapped down to the bed tightly and made to submit, forcefully. How the heck would I know without honesty from her?


If your husband has anxiety associated with his ability to please you, this will be counter productive.

You can however address these issues outside of a sexual context by sharing some fantasies with him and explaining some ways that you might like to try. Since that discussion would take place in a context where he is not aroused and compelled to make himself orgasm, there is a better chance to get his honest opinion about trying something in a constructive way that you could actually discuss and better understand why he will or will not be willing to try something during lovemaking.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

By allowing him to get away with this, you've "trained" him that it's OK to do this. You have to untrain him. If he goes for PIV intercourse, you tell him you're not ready. If he's doing foreplay on you, you tell him to continue until you orgasm. You've talked to him, now use actions instead.

You "trained" him for years. Allow some time to unwind that training.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

DesperateHousewife007 said:


> He used to be, but I feel like that actually stopped before all the changes. It got to the point for a while that he rarely even wanted to have sex and sometimes when he did, it was out of pity because we hadn't in so long. But the issue we're dealing with now, was an issue then too. I will say though, he did have a lot going on around this time, so the fact that he never wanted it, was totally excusable. Now he actually initiates more often and "wants" it, I can definitely tell a difference in that. But he still doesn't put that extra effort into it.


Here's a thread that lists some resources that might help you.

*http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/350970-sex-starved-wife.html*


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## Manchester (Oct 7, 2016)

You say you have had less than a half dozen orgasms 'since you've been together' which means this isn't something that was good and then went bad. Which means this is how it was, and this is how it's probably always going to be. If he had any interest or motivation to change it would have happened a loooong time ago, it's highly unlikely that any real change will happen now.

Sorry to say it but you knew this when you decided to make a lifetime commitment to this man, and now you've made your bed and you've got to lay in it without having an orgasm unless you can find other ways to get it done.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

DesperateHousewife007 said:


> I have told him what it takes for me, what I like..etc. He just doesn't seem to care to put forth that extra effort.


It is a little similar to my situation, but you are different because you were confident enough to tell him directly what you like. My own fault was that I never felt able to do that as we never talked about sex and it felt awkward.

The main reason my H did what yours does, is that he never felt confident in being able to provide me with orgasms. He thought it took too long, and I thought there is something wrong with me. Now I know I am perfectly 'normal', but to move things along and give him confidence I needed to introduced toys that will get me there fast. Most men like to see a woman orgasm - so it seems odd that our husbands gave up so easy (perhaps tiredness or a touch of laziness??). So speed things up, put a vibrator under his pillow and tell him you aren't going to sleep until you have had at least three big orgasms...be a bit bossy.

If that doesn't change things you need to look at other factors that can be many and complex. Self soothing rather than 2 way intimacy, poor sleep (using sex as a sleep aid), lack of confidence, childhood issues, issues over erections or PE, worry over children overhearing (so trying to get it over and done with), too much porn (porn usually shows women having very quick orgasms which are noisy and overacted - usually don't represent reality and can be confusing to men without experience). 

It could be many things but hopefully just lack of confidence that can be easily be worked on. Try taking the lead and being in control. @badsanta often recommends denying male orgasm as a form of tease? May be a good idea?


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## DesperateHousewife007 (Oct 13, 2016)

Manchester said:


> You say you have had less than a half dozen orgasms 'since you've been together' which means this isn't something that was good and then went bad. Which means this is how it was, and this is how it's probably always going to be. If he had any interest or motivation to change it would have happened a loooong time ago, it's highly unlikely that any real change will happen now.
> 
> Sorry to say it but you knew this when you decided to make a lifetime commitment to this man, and now you've made your bed and you've got to lay in it without having an orgasm unless you can find other ways to get it done.


Well, I don't necessarily agree nor disagree with that. But, he used to put more into sex. Even if I didn't orgasm, he put forth more effort to make it good for me. Where as now, it's always one of the same few positions for a few minutes and that's it..no foreplay, nothing. So, it was definitely better before, not perfect, but that doesn't mean what I am dealing with now is something I knew was coming.


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## 247769 (May 18, 2016)

I don't mean to be a Debbie downer but I wasted 10 years searching for that magic pill or discussion to bring change to our relationship, it didn't happen. So I focused on ways to control and satisfy my own needs. Since then the pressure has elevated itself and we are beginning to find a happy medium. 

Sent from my XT1060 using Tapatalk


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Next time your husband wants to have sex, turn on the TV, lube up your hands and make an appropriate sized hole into which he can thrust. Encourage him to use that hole, while you watch TV. Explain to him that since your pleasure isn't anywhere on his radar, he should be content with whatever hole your furnish him.

Kidding aside, you said you don't want to make this sex issue into something more than it is. I'm telling you it already is. It is an issue that will destroy your self worth. The man you love cares absolutely nothing for how you feel. The man you love is lazy and won't lift a finger (and honestly that's all it takes for crying out loud) for you, for your need to feel desired, wanted, pleasured. 

You've married a man who sees sex as one sided and sees nothing wrong with that. Because he sees nothing wrong with that, you are second guessing yourself. It makes you terribly unhappy that your husband puts zero effort into your pleasure, but you talk yourself out of that because...he must be right, right? The man loves you and if he loves you than he would care about the important things, right? And since he doesn't care about your pleasure during sex, it must not be that important after all, right?

WRONG!!!!

I know you love your husband so let me save you some time. He will not change unless the prospect of NOT changing is worse than staying the same. You must give him two choices, and only two!

1. Get your head out of your ass and put serious effort into my sexual pleasure.

Or

2. Be content with my lubed up hands for the rest of your life while I slowly stop loving you and look around for a man who WILL enjoy loving me.

Now, you can say this however you want to say it, nice and sort of vague or direct and to the point. But he will continue to make you feel like you're the selfish one for risking a good marriage just because of sex. No, you're not risking your marriage, he is. He is the one who is showing you every time you have sex that his sexual pleasure is all that's important and if you ask for your pleasure too, you're being selfish.

Do you have a daughter? If not, think about a future daughter and her future husband. Would you want your daughter to be tied to husband who gas lights her into thinking her sexual pleasure is selfish while his sexual pleasure is all that matters? I bet not.

How your husband solves his self centered problem is his concern. But if you don't lay those choices out and force him to make a choice, you will be worse and worse as time goes by. You will lose more and more of your self worth. You will end up miserable and trapped.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Manchester said:


> You say you have had less than a half dozen orgasms 'since you've been together' which means this isn't something that was good and then went bad. Which means this is how it was, and this is how it's probably always going to be. If he had any interest or motivation to change it would have happened a loooong time ago, it's highly unlikely that any real change will happen now.
> 
> Sorry to say it but you knew this when you decided to make a lifetime commitment to this man, and *now you've made your bed and you've got to lay in it without having an orgasm unless you can find other ways to get it done.*



Bolder part is complete nonsense! Seriously, you're suggesting it's OP's fault that her husband is a lazy lover? Nonsense!

You are suggesting that people don't grow. You are suggesting that unless sex began as earth shattering and fantastic as we could possibly desire, it never will be. Patently untrue.

People grow in relationships. Whether they grow by their intentions, or they grow by consequence, they grow. Couple learn one another, couples become more attuned to each other, they learn their own body and they learn their partner's body. Sex is never stagnant, except by choice.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

DesperateHousewife007 said:


> Hello! I just discovered this site and I would really like some advice. I have been married for almost 7 years. We are both in our mid twenties and healthy with one child (5 years old). In general, I'd say we are happy. But I have not been happy with our sex life for a very long time. I don't want to sound like I am putting my husband down or that I am basing our marriage off of sex, because I am not. I love him and will continue to love him, I would just like to find a solution for this issue. I can count on one hand how many times I have had an orgasm with him since we have been together. I have told him what it takes for me, what I like..etc. He just doesn't seem to care to put forth that extra effort. We have danced around this issue many times and he doesn't seem to ever take it seriously. Every time we have sex, it's just in and out. He finishes then I'm just left there to take care of myself. We have tried "new places" recently and even then, he's just in and out and done. I have bought lingerie, toys, sex games, and nothing seems to make an impact. It makes me feel unwanted, unattractive, and many other ways that I shouldn't have to feel when I have sex with someone I love. We tried tonight and it was the same old thing. When it was over, I just got dressed and left the room and now he's mad at me for being mad about it. I just don't get it! :frown2:


It took me over 20 years to figure out how to make love to my wife. I think men in general grow up with porn and simply have no idea what real sex is like. 

I know that was my problem. Also, it seems that my wife in particular likes the full body, long, slow sensual type of sex. Most porn is just slam bam thankyou mam. Maybe you could watch a instructional video together. That might help him.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

Buy him the book "She comes first". It is a book for men to help them understand women's needs better.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

That only helps if he cares. She seems to suggest that he just doesn't care, but maybe I'm misinterpreting.



wantshelp said:


> Buy him the book "She comes first". It is a book for men to help them understand women's needs better.


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## Manchester (Oct 7, 2016)

Anon Pink said:


> Bolder part is complete nonsense! Seriously, you're suggesting it's OP's fault that her husband is a lazy lover? Nonsense!


Nope, I'm saying that she knew he was like that when they met, and she entered into a lifetime commitment with him and now years later she's complaining because.. drum roll please.. he's still like that. 



Anon Pink said:


> You are suggesting that people don't grow. You are suggesting that unless sex began as earth shattering and fantastic as we could possibly desire, it never will be. Patently untrue.


Sure people can learn, and develop wisdom through life experiences but to EXPECT that a guy who is a bad/lazy lover is going to somehow become an enthusiastic/talented lover and marry him with that expectation in mind is foolish, and to turn around years later and complain about it requires one to take a good look in the mirror and say to the reflection looking back at you "What was I thinking"?



Anon Pink said:


> People grow in relationships. Whether they grow by their intentions, or they grow by consequence, they grow. Couple learn one another, couples become more attuned to each other, they learn their own body and they learn their partner's body.


Not always.



Anon Pink said:


> Sex is never stagnant, except by choice.


Whether it's by choice, by lack of enthusiasm, clinical depression, or just because the person doesn't have a strong drive, it happens. 

What you describe is almost a fairy tale. Sure some couples figure it out, but a lot don't. Especially those that had problems from day one, and in case you didn't get it, I'm talking about the Op here.



DesperateHousewife007 said:


> Well, I don't necessarily agree nor disagree with that. But, he used to put more into sex. Even if I didn't orgasm, he put forth more effort to make it good for me. Where as now, it's always one of the same few positions for a few minutes and that's it..no foreplay, nothing. So, it was definitely better before, not perfect, but that doesn't mean what I am dealing with now is something I knew was coming.


You've been together at least 7 years. A half dozen orgasms since over that time period is less than one orgasm PER YEAR. There was a problem there. An obvious problem. One that you should have known was there. Even if he "tried harder" back then.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> Next time your husband wants to have sex, turn on the TV, lube up your hands and make an appropriate sized hole into which he can thrust. Encourage him to use that hole, while you watch TV. Explain to him that since your pleasure isn't anywhere on his radar, he should be content with whatever hole your furnish him.


 @Anon Pink If my wife tried to tease me that way, I'd actually get all excited! Until I find out that she only did it as a way to be an awesome badáss at playing the circle game so she could punch me in the shoulder!


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Its very easy to fall into the trap of thinking that things will improve with time. You are in love with your partner and so you naturally think the very best about them. It can take a long time to realize that there is no misunderstanding, that they just don't care about you.




Manchester said:


> Nope, I'm saying that she knew he was like that when they met, and she entered into a lifetime commitment with him and now years later she's complaining because.. drum roll please.. he's still like that.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## araffair (Sep 2, 2016)

I suggest buying a penis extender for him. It will reduce his sensitivity allowing him to last longer during intercourse and the added girth/length will increase your pleasure allowing you to climax sooner.


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## DesperateHousewife007 (Oct 13, 2016)

Manchester said:


> Nope, I'm saying that she knew he was like that when they met, and she entered into a lifetime commitment with him and now years later she's complaining because.. drum roll please.. he's still like that.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Yeah, definitely a problem. But the fact that he actually put forth that extra effort back then was enough for me even if I did have to finish it off myself most of the time. He wasn't very experienced when we got together (we were teenagers), so I chalked it up to that for a while. Then it just went even further downhill. It definitely hasn't always been this big of a deal. I guess the orgasm isn't the main thing I am after here. It's that extra effort that I know is there because I've seen it before!


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

araffair said:


> I suggest buying a penis extender for him. It will reduce his sensitivity allowing him to last longer during intercourse and the added girth/length will increase your pleasure allowing you to climax sooner.


Interesting. Wondering if the OP can comment on whether she thinks there is a size girth issue here that has not been discussed? Maybe H has PE (Premature Ejaculation) issues? How long after he starts PIV before he is ejaculating?


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## DesperateHousewife007 (Oct 13, 2016)

araffair said:


> I suggest buying a penis extender for him. It will reduce his sensitivity allowing him to last longer during intercourse and the added girth/length will increase your pleasure allowing you to climax sooner.



I actually have one. He is already fairly big, so adding that in isn't fun for me. Also, penetration isn't what really gets me there..it's always been foreplay.


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## DesperateHousewife007 (Oct 13, 2016)

wantshelp said:


> Interesting. Wondering if the OP can comment on whether she thinks there is a size girth issue here that has not been discussed? Maybe H has PE (Premature Ejaculation) issues? *How long after he starts PIV before he is ejaculating?*


I'd say anywhere from 5 to 10 minutes usually. Which, that seems normal. But same goes for lots of other women, I can't reach that point if we just jump straight into it and let it be done when he finishes.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Manchester said:


> Nope, I'm saying that she knew he was like that when they met, and she entered into a lifetime commitment with him and now years later she's complaining because.. drum roll please.. he's still like that.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I bet it's pretty common for people to get married and not even know that sex is supposed to be fantastic. I bet a LOT of women married a man who never rang their bells in bed, but they loved him and sex felt like an extension of love because it felt intimate. 

It's very common for everyone to start out as underwhelming in the sack. We learn as we go. 

My sex life started out not so great. It was my fault because I didn't know how to orgasm so obviously I didn't know how to tell him how to help me orgasm. It was his fault because he never seemed to care. I honestly believe neither of us had much, or any, awareness about female orgasm. 

I think women normally have difficulty orgasming. I think to rare that a woman can orgasm shortly after she becomes sexually active.

Of all the women I know in real life, only 1 had regular orgasms shortly after she became sexually active. Every other woman I know said they were well into their late 20's before orgasms became a regular part of sex. So when you start out having sex without orgasms, you kind of assume that this is normal. Falling in love, getting married and having a normal sex life, without orgasms, seems normal. 

Once you learn your body, as a woman, and learn what you need to build arousal and reach climax, you should be able to share that knowledge with your husband and you should expect your husband to enthusiastically engage and encorporate this new knowledge. 

You're foolish to think people enter into their sexual activity knowing everything they need to know to be a good lover.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

wantshelp said:


> Interesting. Wondering if the OP can comment on whether she thinks there is a size girth issue here that has not been discussed? Maybe H has PE (Premature Ejaculation) issues? How long after he starts PIV before he is ejaculating?


You're thinking through a penis centric lense.

It doesn't matter how wide or long it is. It doesn't matter how long he can last. What matters is that HER arousal is built and climbs throughout the encounter. What matters is that he pays attention to HER arousal because his arousal is pretty damn easy to asses.

The "Magic **** Syndrome" is when people think an erection is all that is needed for her to orgasm. Frankly, an erect penis is the last on the list of things needed for a female orgasm.

BTW, have your husband out the extender on his fingers and lube it up. Start slow, then build. You'll get there! And how!!!!


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

If I may ask, does your H play video games? Watch porn or perhaps watches when you are not around possibly satisfying himself?


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## DesperateHousewife007 (Oct 13, 2016)

Yeswecan said:


> If I may ask, does your H play video games? Watch porn or perhaps watches when you are not around possibly satisfying himself?


He does play games, but not often at all. He may jump on a game once a month for an hour at most. And as for the porn, as far as I am aware he doesn't watch it. He isn't tech savvy at all, I'm the only nerd of the family. I am always the one clearing the history, fixing the computer, phones..etc. I have never came across anything and the only porn we actually own is a few super old VHS tapes of girls gone wild and we don't own a VCR, so he hasn't been watching that. :laugh:


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

DesperateHousewife007 said:


> He does play games, but not often at all. He may jump on a game once a month for an hour at most. And as for the porn, as far as I am aware he doesn't watch it. He isn't tech savvy at all, I'm the only nerd of the family. I am always the one clearing the history, fixing the computer, phones..etc. I have never came across anything and the only porn we actually own is a few super old VHS tapes of girls gone wild and we don't own a VCR, so he hasn't been watching that. :laugh:


Ok, all of that (games/porn) are a huge distraction and often kill a marriage. Do you feel you have simply become room mates looking after your child?


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## DesperateHousewife007 (Oct 13, 2016)

Yeswecan said:


> Ok, all of that (games/porn) are a huge distraction and often kill a marriage. Do you feel you have simply become room mates looking after your child?


I do somewhat feel that way. I just hope it's something we can overcome.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 247769 (May 18, 2016)

What I've learned is not everyone has a high sex drive, some are satisfied by a peck on the cheek or snuggling on the couch. Just keep this in mind as you work through this, just because he's not that into sex doesn't mean he's cheating, in to porn or has a medical condition. If you love him appreciate the positive things and give the other time. With a little luck and a lot of communication things will work out. IMHO

Sent from my XT1060 using Tapatalk


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## DesperateHousewife007 (Oct 13, 2016)

peterrabbit said:


> What I've learned is not everyone has a high sex drive, some are satisfied by a peck on the cheek or snuggling on the couch. Just keep this in mind as you work through this, just because he's not that into sex doesn't mean he's cheating, in to porn or has a medical condition. If you love him appreciate the positive things and give the other time. With a little luck and a lot of communication things will work out. IMHO
> 
> Sent from my XT1060 using Tapatalk



Aa far as his sex drive and him wanting it, that's not even an issue. I've thought about withholding til he see's that he's not doing his part. I'm just worried that would backfire and he would stop trying completely. It's hard..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

DesperateHousewife007 said:


> I'd say anywhere from 5 to 10 minutes usually. Which, that seems normal. But same goes for lots of other women, I can't reach that point if *we just jump straight into it* and let it be done when he finishes.


*WAIT A MINUTE!!!*

So you two are just laying there and at any moment he can just suddenly slip his penis inside you? 

Either your husband has a ninja penis or perhaps you are too eager to please him! I'm starting to think this is not all his problem and that your behavior may have A LOT to do with it.

When my wife and I decide to have sex, it can take up to an hour before any attempt to mount has a chance to be successful. Up until then she will want to enjoy talking about her day while I rub her back or something of that nature. If I make a move too soon, I get a swift jab of her finger into my most ticklish spots. Once she is ready to go, it is mutually enjoyable and THEN penetration begins.

Badsanta


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## DesperateHousewife007 (Oct 13, 2016)

badsanta said:


> *WAIT A MINUTE!!!*
> 
> So you two are just laying there and at any moment he can just suddenly slip his penis inside you?
> 
> ...


It's not like totally unexpected. This is how it is 99% of the time...he mentions it, whips it out and wants a bj for a few minutes, then he starts to jump right in. Fast forward just a little bit and he's done and wants something to drink. I've tried to take charge, put his hand down there, ask him to do stuff..it's usually short lived if he even does go along with it.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

DesperateHousewife007 said:


> It's not like totally unexpected. This is how it is 99% of the time...he mentions it, whips it out and wants a bj for a few minutes, then he starts to jump right in. Fast forward just a little bit and he's done and wants something to drink. I've tried to take charge, put his hand down there, ask him to do stuff..it's usually short lived if he even does go along with it.


*SWIFT JAB OF THE FINGER INTO HIS MOST TICKLISH SPOTS!* Until you are ready!


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> Once you learn your body, as a woman, and learn what you need to build arousal and reach climax, you should be able to share that knowledge with your husband and you should expect your husband to enthusiastically engage and encorporate this new knowledge.


Maybe it's bad luck, but I've met a lot of women who never learnt their own bodies and would not communicate it , so at best the man gets to enthusiastically try random stuff on the off chance.



Anon Pink said:


> The "Magic **** Syndrome" is when people think an erection is all that is needed for her to orgasm. Frankly, an erect penis is the last on the list of things needed for a female orgasm.


Rather like the women who believe that because they turn up and have a pu$$y they are a perfect partner?


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## DesperateHousewife007 (Oct 13, 2016)

badsanta said:


> *SWIFT JAB OF THE FINGER INTO HIS MOST TICKLISH SPOTS!* Until you are ready!


I will definitely try that. With my luck we will both just be trying to poke one another all night and end up nowhere, but it's worth a shot for sure!


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

DesperateHousewife007 said:


> I will definitely try that. With my luck we will both just be trying to poke one another all night and end up nowhere, but it's worth a shot for sure!


Not to be crude. But a poke with the vibrator would probably work. Ladies come first. :laugh:


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

OP, so he wants a BJ as foreplay? Does he ever perform oral on you? I am guessing not.

How about when he presents his penis for you to pleasure, you just say something like "you gotta get me in the mood first! How about x, y, or z (whatever gets you there). After I cum, I'll really be in the mood to go all out for you!"

Other approach, if he insists on going straight to PIV without doing anything for you, go along with it for a few minutes. Then stop him (before he cums), and let him know you need to go to the bathroom. Leave for a few minutes, come back to bed, roll over, and go to sleep. If he says anything, just say "oh I took care of myself in the bathroom, so we're done, right?" If he says something like "But i'm not done!" You can respond with "so? What's the issue?"

Final approach, buy "She Comes First," drop it in his lap, and say "Read it, learn it, and until then our sex life is over."


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## Manchester (Oct 7, 2016)

DesperateHousewife007 said:


> It's not like totally unexpected. This is how it is 99% of the time...he mentions it, whips it out and wants a bj for a few minutes, then he starts to jump right in. Fast forward just a little bit and he's done and wants something to drink. I've tried to take charge, put his hand down there, ask him to do stuff..it's usually short lived if he even does go along with it.


I think I see the problem here.


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## DesperateHousewife007 (Oct 13, 2016)

Manchester said:


> I think I see the problem here.


Okay..do tell...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DesperateHousewife007 (Oct 13, 2016)

Abc123wife said:


> OP, so he wants a BJ as foreplay? Does he ever perform oral on you? I am guessing not.
> 
> How about when he presents his penis for you to pleasure, you just say something like "you gotta get me in the mood first! How about x, y, or z (whatever gets you there). After I cum, I'll really be in the mood to go all out for you!"
> 
> ...


I really like the bathroom idea. Give him a taste of his own medicine..something I've not tried yet!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

The majority of women can't O from PIV alone unless they are already aroused in other ways and many can't at all.

This is so alien to me. I can't imagine having sex without doing anything I could think of to get my partner to O. Sure, once in a while it won't happen, but normally I'd expect it. My experience is somewhat limited, but I haven't yet been with a woman who couldn't O from patient use of oral and fingers, if not from PIV. (there are some of course, and I'd hope they would tell their partners what worked for them).

In the end though, the problem remains. His problem is not technique, or any other physical issue - he just doesn't care. Unless he starts caring, this just isn't going to get better.




DesperateHousewife007 said:


> I'd say anywhere from 5 to 10 minutes usually. Which, that seems normal. But same goes for lots of other women, I can't reach that point if we just jump straight into it and let it be done when he finishes.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

...


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Sawney Beane said:


> Rather like the women who believe that because they turn up and have a pu$$y they are a perfect partner?



I don't personally know of a single woman who thinks her genitals qualify her as the perfect partner.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

DesperateHousewife007 said:


> Well, I don't necessarily agree nor disagree with that. But, he used to put more into sex. Even if I didn't orgasm, he put forth more effort to make it good for me. Where as now, it's always one of the same few positions for a few minutes and that's it..no foreplay, nothing. So, it was definitely better before, not perfect, but that doesn't mean what I am dealing with now is something I knew was coming.


I would have absolutely NO problem with stopping him in the middle of one of his underwhelming quickies, throwing him off me, getting off the bed, and leaving him there to 'finish' himself. What a completely selfish assclown.


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## Manchester (Oct 7, 2016)

DesperateHousewife007 said:


> Okay..do tell...


He's selfish, lazy, and doesn't give a crap about pleasing you at all.

And/or he's clueless and inexperienced but you can easily determine if that's the case by telling him what you want him to do and see how he responds. My guess is, he won't.


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## DesperateHousewife007 (Oct 13, 2016)

I completely agree with what most of you are saying. I really do think he is selfish and doesn't really care about how I feel when it comes to a lot of things. We had a discussion last night and I told him how I felt. His only response was, "well, you're not getting any tonight. I don't feel like it." I think if I could convince him to go to counseling with me, that would be our best bet at this point because I can't seem to get through to him myself. I have asked a few times before and he always says, "We don't need anyone else in our business."


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

DesperateHousewife007 said:


> I really like the bathroom idea. Give him a taste of his own medicine..something I've not tried yet!


A few years into my first marriage, my husband started to get selfish in the sexual department. One night he finished, informed me that my I was responsible for my own orgasms, and then he rolled over and went to sleep.

So the next night when we were having sex, I got him all worked up, he was about to come. I rolled over to go to sleep. He was not happy, and asked me "what the hell?" I replied very sweetly, "Your orgasms are your responsibility." And then I went to sleep.

That was the last time he pulled that nonsense on me.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

DesperateHousewife007 said:


> I completely agree with what most of you are saying. I really do think he is selfish and doesn't really care about how I feel when it comes to a lot of things. We had a discussion last night and I told him how I felt. His only response was, "well, you're not getting any tonight. I don't feel like it." I think if I could convince him to go to counseling with me, that would be our best bet at this point because I can't seem to get through to him myself. I have asked a few times before and he always says, "We don't need anyone else in our business."


"well, you're not getting any tonight. I don't feel like it." <- Talk about passive aggressive! With that comment, I think it's more than him being lazy. He punished you last night for daring to bring up your issue with this.

Have you looked at any of the books suggested in the Sex Starved Marriage thread? They have a lot of info that would be helpful.

And I think you need to give him the "She goes first" book.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> And I think you need to give him the "She goes first" book.


 It's "She comes first"


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## DesperateHousewife007 (Oct 13, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> "well, you're not getting any tonight. I don't feel like it." <- Talk about passive aggressive! With that comment, I think it's more than him being lazy. He punished you last night for daring to bring up your issue with this.
> 
> Have you looked at any of the books suggested in the Sex Starved Marriage thread? They have a lot of info that would be helpful.
> 
> And I think you need to give him the "She goes first" book.


I need something that I could read (with or without him). Something that may help me communicate better with him and make him understand that he is being unreasonable about it all. He is not a reader, unless it's a car magazine. Getting him to read a book, especially like that, would most likely never happen.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

DesperateHousewife007 said:


> I need something that I could read (with or without him). Something that may help me communicate better with him and make him understand that he is being unreasonable about it all. He is not a reader, unless it's a car magazine. Getting him to read a book, especially like that, would most likely never happen.


So go to the below linked thread where I gave a list of resources (books) for women who are in a situation like yours. 

*http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/350970-sex-starved-wife.html*

Even if he will not read the books, you reading them will help you.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Sadly there are people out there with a very strange idea of what constitutes good sex, and you have the misfortune to be married to one of them. People have suggested various ways you can try to make it clear to him and the ideas are worth trying, but they might not work. I've run into an endless set of arguments from my wife on how the things I want are somehow fundamentally different from the things she wants:

"I don't like doing XYZ so you shouldn't pressure me into doing it", when XYX is a huge range of things that are part of a normal sex life. 

One advantage the OP has is that her husband wants sex, so her turning him down means something to him. (my wife could happily go months without). So its not crazy for her to simply tell him - "We'll have sex after you give me an O, here is how to do it". 

I really hate tit for tat sex - but maybe its better than not getting any pleasure from your partner at all. 






DesperateHousewife007 said:


> I completely agree with what most of you are saying. I really do think he is selfish and doesn't really care about how I feel when it comes to a lot of things. We had a discussion last night and I told him how I felt. His only response was, "well, you're not getting any tonight. I don't feel like it." I think if I could convince him to go to counseling with me, that would be our best bet at this point because I can't seem to get through to him myself. I have asked a few times before and he always says, "We don't need anyone else in our business."


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

DesperateHousewife007 said:


> It's not like totally unexpected. This is how it is 99% of the time...he mentions it, whips it out and wants a bj for a few minutes, then he starts to jump right in. Fast forward just a little bit and he's done and wants something to drink. I've tried to take charge, put his hand down there, ask him to do stuff..it's usually short lived if he even does go along with it.


I'm sorry your sex life is handled in this fashion with your H. Your H whips out his willy for oral and then done a few minutes later after jumping right in? Yeah, your right...there is no concern for your sexual satisfaction. In my world my W always goes first and no matter what it takes to sexually satisfy her. It appears you H needs to have his hand held in the making love department and not simply getting a nut as quickly as possible so he can get a drink. I truly think you need to spell it out for your H.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

DesperateHousewife007 said:


> I completely agree with what most of you are saying. I really do think he is selfish and doesn't really care about how I feel when it comes to a lot of things. We had a discussion last night and I told him how I felt. His only response was, "well, you're not getting any tonight. I don't feel like it." I think if I could convince him to go to counseling with me, that would be our best bet at this point because I can't seem to get through to him myself. I have asked a few times before and he always says, "We don't need anyone else in our business."


You are at a the losing end of this battle. The question is do you accept it or look to move find a person that is more compatible? It is not like you have not tried to make it work with your H.


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## DesperateHousewife007 (Oct 13, 2016)

Yeswecan said:


> You are at a the losing end of this battle. The question is do you accept it or look to move find a person that is more compatible? It is not like you have not tried to make it work with your H.


I honestly think me trying to leave him would wake him up and make him realize he is being an idiot about the situation. I have thought about that several times. My only thing is, if it backfires on me, I will need to be ready to take up all the responsibility that goes along with being alone and right now, I am not in a good position for that. When we had our child, we both agreed that I would be a stay at home mom at least until she started school. She started this year and I have been looking for a decent job. No luck yet, so I would really be screwed at the moment if it ended badly. Also, I do love him, so in a way, I would feel like a POS for leaving him over sex. But to me, it is more than that because he is being so selfish about it.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

DesperateHousewife007 said:


> I need something that I could read (with or without him). Something that may help me communicate better with him and make him understand that he is being unreasonable about it all. He is not a reader, unless it's a car magazine. Getting him to read a book, especially like that, would most likely never happen.


First off, this is basic biology. Women can keep going after their orgasm and men can't as easily (usually), so it's such a simple and obvious concept. 

I wonder if you can get him to want you to have an orgasm. For me, the orgasms were so much better when W was having an orgasm at the same time. I loved seeing her having such pleasure. It totally made me orgasm when she got hers. Does your H react positively to your enjoyment? If so, maybe take it down a notch. Make him work harder to get you to express that passion. Order him around a bit. Yell at him. Tell him what you want-- faster, slower, right there, don't stop. Maybe reward him for letting you climax first but teasing him with an epic blow job? Once he starts to see the value to him for you to climax first, he'll realize that sex is better when everybody wins. Maybe tie him up and do your favorite positions first?


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

Yeswecan said:


> Your H whips out his willy for oral and then done a few minutes later after jumping right in? Yeah, your right...there is no concern for your sexual satisfaction.


Oh, is that what he's doing?! Ugh.


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## IndianApple (Mar 27, 2016)

DesperateHousewife007 said:


> I honestly think me trying to leave him would wake him up and make him realize he is being an idiot about the situation. I have thought about that several times. My only thing is, if it backfires on me, I will need to be ready to take up all the responsibility that goes along with being alone and right now, I am not in a good position for that. When we had our child, we both agreed that I would be a stay at home mom at least until she started school. She started this year and I have been looking for a decent job. No luck yet, so I would really be screwed at the moment if it ended badly. Also, I do love him, so in a way, I would feel like a POS for leaving him over sex. But to me, it is more than that because he is being so selfish about it.




First hunt for a descent job and only then you can get seperated. There will be issues when it comes to the kid so be prepared.

Trying to make him satisfy more sexually or make him realise about his selfish nature wont help unless a third person (may be his best friend or anyone close to him) make him point out his negative points, especially when it comes to you.

Start avoiding him when he feel an urge to have sex. This will create a question mark in his mind about why are you denying sex with him.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

DesperateHousewife007 said:


> I honestly think me trying to leave him would wake him up and make him realize he is being an idiot about the situation. I have thought about that several times. My only thing is, if it backfires on me, I will need to be ready to take up all the responsibility that goes along with being alone and right now, I am not in a good position for that. When we had our child, we both agreed that I would be a stay at home mom at least until she started school. She started this year and I have been looking for a decent job. No luck yet, so I would really be screwed at the moment if it ended badly. Also, I do love him, so in a way, I would feel like a POS for leaving him over sex. But to me, it is more than that because he is being so selfish about it.


I'm glad to see you've straightened your spine. Now that your backbone is in place, let's tame the beast a bit.

While it may be true that your husband is selfish and lazy it is probably also true that he does love you. As such, it is probably accurate that your husband, as @peacem said earlier, has a very ill informed idea of what a woman needs to build arousal and achieve sexual climax. 

If you've ever seen the cover of Cosmopolitan magazine, you've seen that every single month there is a headline of "5 moves to make your man pant" or "8 sex tips every man wishes his woman new." What angers me about this is not that once sided suggestions of how a woman can please man but that there is no equal amount of information geared to men. 

Why is that? Why do women devour sex tips to please their man but no such lists are marketed to men about women?

Because men don't read? Because Sports illustrated can't figure out a way to make the headline seem Sports related? "Score big with these techniques to have her screaming in passion" I don't know, I think it could sell...

My point is that in all likelihood, your husband is clueless about sex, as @UMP also stated earlier in the thread. He doesn't know that women don't work the way men do. He doesn't know a woman must be suffiently aroused, that her climax normally takes much longer than his. He doesn't know that this is the normal way women achieve orgasm. 

He doesn't know.

You have to teach him.

Open easy discussions. Talk about how Cosmo always has advice for women to rock his world and ask if he has ever encountered articles for men to rock her world. Discuss how porn portrays female sexuality as men wish it to be, but as it is in reality. Gently inform him that you need much more effort, every single time you two have sex because that is how normal women need it. Gently let him know that when he does not put some effort into your pleasure you feel used and you don't want to feel used.

Then you're going to have to take the lead a few times and show him what you want from him, tell him how you want to be touched, where you want to be touched and for how long you want that touch before your ready to move on to penetration. 

I don't know why some men can find the information they need to be good sex partners and other have to be lead by the scruff of the neck. But just because your husband needs to be lead by the scruff of his neck, doesn't mean he won't get there.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

DesperateHousewife007 said:


> I honestly think me trying to leave him would wake him up and make him realize he is being an idiot about the situation. I have thought about that several times. My only thing is, if it backfires on me, I will need to be ready to take up all the responsibility that goes along with being alone and right now, I am not in a good position for that. When we had our child, we both agreed that I would be a stay at home mom at least until she started school. She started this year and I have been looking for a decent job. No luck yet, so I would really be screwed at the moment if it ended badly. Also, I do love him, so in a way, I would feel like a POS for leaving him over sex. But to me, it is more than that because he is being so selfish about it.



It appears that you are working on accepting this is who your H is. But, we as humans are allowed to change. Hopefully your H for the better. But yes, he is selfish about it. AND...does not return the favor of oral. That(giving oral to H) should be over in short order. 

To be honest, the way you describe the sex it makes you looked "used" for his 10 minutes of jolly time. Then your H is off for a drink? WTF is that?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> You have to teach him.


IMO I'm believing the OP H has no interest in being taught anything concerning sex. It simply is not a part of his life that requires any interest or effort on his part. He is being the dad and provider. That is enough in his world. It is all completely wrong of course. H does not realize that he is screwing up with lack of attention/intimacy with his W.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> And I think you need to give him the "She goes first" book.


Won't do much good if he won't read it. 

And that's my prediction.

Moe than likely you will have to destabilize the relationship.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

wantshelp said:


> It's "She comes first"


If this doesn't get straightened out, she had it right the first time.


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## GoodFunLife (Apr 24, 2015)

Desperate - 

Hate to say it but your H sounds like a clueless, selfish pr!ck. You deserve better. 

I would strongly encourage you to say no mas until he gets his act together. You have made it too easy for him to get what he wants - it's going to take a while to unwind his mental programming but the longer you wait the longer it will take. 

if for some reason you can't bring yourself to shut him down, try the other end of the spectrum -

Describe in vivid detail your fantasy sequence of how you envision sex with him. How he first makes you come with his fingers, then again with his tongue and then after you have already come twice you are so revved up you are begging for him to be inside you so you can come hard together ...

If he doesn't take the bait and start raising his game he may be hopeless. 

Another book that he would probably refuse to read but he sure would benefit from is David Deida The Way of the Superior Man. He needs to learn how to control his sexual energy and redirect it toward giving you the pleasure that you deserve.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

DesperateHousewife007 said:


> His only response was, "well, you're not getting any tonight. I don't feel like it."


The guy's an a$$hole.

Up until this I was prepared to give him a break and assume he was just ignorant.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Yeswecan said:


> IMO I'm believing the OP H has no interest in being taught anything concerning sex. It simply is not a part of his life that requires any interest or effort on his part. He is being the dad and provider. That is enough in his world. It is all completely wrong of course. H does not realize that he is screwing up with lack of attention/intimacy with his W.


I believe people can be taught...with the right motivation. As I said in my first post in this thread, only two choices. Work with me to fix this or we divorce.

See this thread for the same situation. A husband who shows no interest in his wife's pleasure. Notice the date... June 2013

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/79017-18-years-no-orgasms.html?highlight=


Now see this thread, same woman, same marriage. She tried all sorts of ways to get him to step up but ultimately, she had to throw down those two choices and she had to be firm in her boundary. Fix this or we are done. Notice the date, July 2016

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...old-timer-18-years-no-orgasms.html?highlight=

3 years of @MissScarlett working on this and finally she has a happy ending!

But, notice this thread, another wife with a husband who takes no notice of his wife's sexual pleasure. Notice the begin date and notice how she has given up on a good sex life because....she was never in a place to make the ultimatum. 3 years and still her sex life is lacking and she no longer cares.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/98817-ld-husband-journal.html?highlight=


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## DesperateHousewife007 (Oct 13, 2016)

Thank you all very much for the wise words and advice. I will definitely be putting it to the test! I am glad I found this site! I was a member of another forum site and had asked for advice on there. It's mainly younger, *****y women. They all pretty much told me it was all me. I was being selfish for nitpicking this and not thinking of all the good things my husband has done for me instead. It made me feel like crap and I started to think they were right.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IndianApple (Mar 27, 2016)

DesperateHousewife007 said:


> Thank you all very much for the wise words and advice. I will definitely be putting it to the test! I am glad I found this site! I was a member of another forum site and had asked for advice on there. It's mainly younger, *****y women. They all pretty much told me it was all me. I was being selfish for nitpicking this and not thinking of all the good things my husband has done for me instead. It made me feel like crap and I started to think they were right.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




Its not your fault. If he need you in his life, he will have to quit being selfish. Otherwise, he's the biggest looser 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## IndianApple (Mar 27, 2016)

Marriage is all about commiment and respecting each other. If these stuff are lacking then it makes no sense. But i would also suggest you to think about your child if you would like to get seperated. 

It sucks bigtime when people take us for granted. The same is in your case. Your H is taking you for granted.


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## Chinabound49 (Aug 12, 2016)

As a man with a healthy sex drive, i would venture to say there could be one of a few reasons for him being this way.

1. He feels insecure at performing sexually
2. He for some reason does not have a high sexual desire for you. This could be he is just not a sexual guy, and u have not stated how your sex drive is so it is impossible to comment on that. Like if it was real low he may not enjoy sex with u.
3. He is maybe cheating
4. He does not realize or understand that one of his functions as a husband is to worry only during sex about satisfying his wife's needs, making sure she is looked after sexually, well, that is my viewpoint.

Have u sat him down and had a serious non offending chat about what u need and why? and what u would enjoy him to start doing?

That might help

Bill


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## DesperateHousewife007 (Oct 13, 2016)

Chinabound49 said:


> As a man with a healthy sex drive, i would venture to say there could be one of a few reasons for him being this way.
> 
> 1. He feels insecure at performing sexually
> 2. He for some reason does not have a high sexual desire for you. This could be he is just not a sexual guy, and u have not stated how your sex drive is so it is impossible to comment on that. Like if it was real low he may not enjoy sex with u.
> ...



My sex drive is fairly high, or maybe normal for my age. Definitely not low though. I am positive he's not cheating. It would be a very huge shock if he were. I can say that he has always been a very faithful man. We have talked about it several times. Sometimes I think it was bad timing for the conversation. But I have made him aware of what I want several times.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IndianApple (Mar 27, 2016)

DesperateHousewife007 said:


> My sex drive is fairly high, or maybe normal for my age. Definitely not low though. I am positive he's not cheating. It would be a very huge shock if he were. I can say that he has always been a very faithful man. We have talked about it several times. Sometimes I think it was bad timing for the conversation. But I have made him aware of what I want several times.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




Does is going thru some financial crisis ? If he does not have any extra marital affair then stress could be the reason. But what i feel is, men enjoy sex more when they have stress. 

But again, he taking you for granted, is something which nobody would do if he truly loves you.


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## DesperateHousewife007 (Oct 13, 2016)

IndianApple said:


> Does is going thru some financial crisis ? If he does not have any extra marital affair then stress could be the reason. But what i feel is, men enjoy sex more when they have stress.
> 
> But again, he taking you for granted, is something which nobody would do if he truly loves you.
> 
> ...


Nope. We are actually doing a lot better financially. We have struggled in the past of course, but we are at the point now, he was recently able to buy himself a new ATV and we were able to go on vacation. So the bills are always taken care of, we have some in savings for emergencies and we can still afford to enjoy ourselves a little bit too. But, then again we did go through a really rough time a while back. We had already had our child and as I previously said, we both agreed that I'd stay home for the first couple years of her life. Well, he lost the job he had been at for several years very suddenly and we were not prepared. I was able to quickly find a job. It was a crappy job, but it paid the bills. I worked for about a year there, he stayed home during that time. The job he lost was a good job as far as benefits and pay, but other than that he was very unhappy there. I told him I'd work til he was able to find a job that he would be happy with. During this time, he was pretty depressed about everything going on, so sex was few and far between, but I understood so I wasn't really "mad" about it. Everything has gotten so much better for us over the last 2 years in all aspects..he wants sex more often now, he seems so much happier, but my end of the problem still exists.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

I have to be honest and ask this.

What in the world would possess you, *time after time after time*, to willingly give this arrogant a*sshole oral sex, let him use your body as a sperm receptical, then climb back off you when he's done not giving a rat's ass HOW you feel?

He's barely showing you the same amount of courtesy most johns give a hooker.

That's a fair question.


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## IndianApple (Mar 27, 2016)

DesperateHousewife007 said:


> Nope. We are actually doing a lot better financially. We have struggled in the past of course, but we are at the point now, he was recently able to buy himself a new ATV and we were able to go on vacation. So the bills are always taken care of, we have some in savings for emergencies and we can still afford to enjoy ourselves a little bit too. But, then again we did go through a really rough time a while back. We had already had our child and as I previously said, we both agreed that I'd stay home for the first couple years of her life. Well, he lost the job he had been at for several years very suddenly and we were not prepared. I was able to quickly find a job. It was a crappy job, but it paid the bills. I worked for about a year there, he stayed home during that time. The job he lost was a good job as far as benefits and pay, but other than that he was very unhappy there. I told him I'd work til he was able to find a job that he would be happy with. During this time, he was pretty depressed about everything going on, so sex was few and far between, but I understood so I wasn't really "mad" about it. Everything has gotten so much better for us over the last 2 years in all aspects..he wants sex more often now, he seems so much happier, but my end of the problem still exists.




Hmmm ... your above statement clearly proves he is selfish ... 

I guess you tell him over and over again about your desires make no difference to him. 

May i suggest you one thing :-

How about you watching a porno when he is in the house in your living room or wherever in the house and to grab his attention, you groan and the moment he enter the room, he should see you fingering .... 
At that moment, he might get excited and come close to do the same ins and outs ... but this time, you will not let him do it and will cry or yell to make him understand what exactly are your desires from him ...

Just make sure you dont melt down if he come close to you ... 

Do this for couple of times and see the difference 


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## DesperateHousewife007 (Oct 13, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I have to be honest and ask this.
> 
> What in the world would possess you, *time after time after time*, to willingly give this arrogant a*sshole oral sex, let him use your body as a sperm receptical, then climb back off you when he's done not giving a rat's ass HOW you feel?
> 
> ...


Honestly, because it is better than nothing at all.


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## DesperateHousewife007 (Oct 13, 2016)

I don't want to make him sound completely selfish because he does do so much for me. Anything else I want or need, he makes sure I have it. I have a house that is paid for, a nice car that is paid for, clothes, shoes, accessories, anything..I just really don't care so much for all the materialistic things though. I've told him that too. I told him he would save so much money if he stopped buying my happiness and just making it happen through affection. He's extremely stubborn though. I recently asked WHY? Why doesn't he put forth more effort into sex and he did give me an answer. He said he knows I like oral and he just doesn't like to do it. He doesn't like all the "wetness" he says.


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## IndianApple (Mar 27, 2016)

DesperateHousewife007 said:


> Honestly, because it is better than nothing at all.




True and everyone should have some desire which OP has so i dont think she's expecting anything great...


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## IndianApple (Mar 27, 2016)

DesperateHousewife007 said:


> He doesn't like all the "wetness" he says.



If thats the case then you tell him it is unfair to give him blowjobs too ... 



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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

I do have to say I cracked up when I read that he actually made the comment, *"you're not getting any tonight"* like the 30-second sh*t show he serves up is something a woman would actually feel deprived about missing. That was hysterical. 



DesperateHousewife007 said:


> Honestly, because it is better than nothing at all.


No. It's really not. :frown2:
The amount of utter disrespect and disregard being shown to you is nauseating. 

When you tell someone over and over that you only want to experience the same joy that you're giving them and they basically refuse you and tell you you're *not* worthy of the effort, then you're being disrespected to your core if you allow him to use your body like that.


> I have a house that is paid for, a nice car that is paid for, clothes, shoes, accessories, anything..I just really don't care so much for all the materialistic things though.


So do I, OP. I have all those things too. So what? But my husband would never dream of disrespecting me the way yours does. Not only would he not even consider treating me in that manner, but like most _normal_ men, he actually thrives on being able to bring out the passion in me. The more passion, the more exciting it is for him.

Your H sounds like one of those guys who loses all sexual desire for a woman once she's had his kid. I wouldn't be surprised at all if that were the issue. Because the only way he can have sex with you is if he doesn't connect with you in any way at *all*. He can't look at you as a sexual being. He treats you like you're a sex worker he picked up off the streets.


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## DesperateHousewife007 (Oct 13, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I do have to say I cracked up when I read that he actually made the comment, *"you're not getting any tonight"* like the 30-second sh*t show he serves up is something a woman would actually feel deprived about missing. That was hysterical.
> 
> 
> No. It's really not. :frown2:
> ...



So, do you have any advice for my situation or did you just come here to throw it all in my face and make me feel even worse about the sh*t that I have been putting up with? I obviously know he's being an ass about it or I wouldn't have came here in search of ways to possibly make things better.


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## IndianApple (Mar 27, 2016)

DesperateHousewife007 said:


> So, do you have any advice for my situation or did you just come here to throw it all in my face and make me feel even worse about the sh*t that I have been putting up with? I obviously know he's being an ass about it or I wouldn't have came here in search of ways to possibly make things better.




I highly agree with OP. We are here to advice and not to discuss about our lives other than OP. We can create a new thread for our own issues. Lets not complicate things. OP is in real pain. She pay no heed to materialistic things because thats just temporary.. caring and loving is all she need ... this is what every human needs it ...

Chill desperate 


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## GoodFunLife (Apr 24, 2015)

Desperate -

I think you need to work on your own self esteem and stop tolerating the manner in which your H is disrespecting you in the bedroom. You have been letting him get away with it for too long and rationalizing it by acknowledging the other ways in which he contributes to your quality of life.

I'll give you a real life example. I'm fortunate to have had a really good relationship with my W but we've had our share of issues in the bedroom and she has always struggled with receiving pleasure and reaching orgasm. It took me years and years to understand this and part of me still struggles with it. 

One night a couple years ago we were on vacation and our daughter came in our room and interrupted us mid session. That was the end of that and we did not finish. I was at the peak of my selfish lover ways and was beyond aggravated that I wasn't able to come so of course I started behaving like a jackass as soon as we woke up the next morning making my wife think her sole purpose in life that day was to help me finish what we left incomplete the previous night. Very awkward uncomfortable day to say the least. She held her ground, I was an angry jerk and needless to say nothing came of it (bad pun). 

At some point in the following weeks the lightbulb went off - that feeling of incompleteness is how my W may feel every time we have sex and she doesn't O yet she never complains and the one time it happens to me I make a huge deal out of it as if she is the villain for not solving my problem. I don't know why I was blind to it for so long now that I can see it plain as day - part of the growth process we have gone through over the past year. 

Point of all that is to say your H needs a wake up call like right fvcking now and if he can't get there on his own you need to be the one to instigate it. Protect your self esteem before it's too late.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

DesperateHousewife007 said:


> So, do you have any advice for my situation or did you just come here to throw it all in my face and make me feel even worse about the sh*t that I have been putting up with? I obviously know he's being an ass about it or I wouldn't have came here in search of ways to possibly make things better.


I don't think that the poster was throwing anything in your face. I think that she was telling exactly what she saw in your posts. Probably to try to get you to really see and feel what's going on. Your husband is using passive aggressive tactics to disrespect you and avoid physical contact with you as much as possible. 

You keep looking for ways to make it better. Before it can get better, if it ever can, you need to treat his behavior for what it is... total passive aggressive manipulation and disrespect. 

What you would tell someone to do if their spouse was treating them the way yours if treating you?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Tron said:


> Won't do much good if he won't read it.
> 
> And that's my prediction.
> 
> Moe than likely you will have to destabilize the relationship.


I agree that the only way to fix this is probably to destabilize the relationship. And when she does that, that's the time to hand him the "she comes first book". Maybe he'll read it when he realizes that she's serious and will not allow herself to be treated this way.


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## DesperateHousewife007 (Oct 13, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> What you would tell someone to do if their spouse was treating them the way yours if treating you?


Run. 

I see that I am at the point now of making up excuses for his behavior but that is what I have been doing for all this time, it's a hard habit to break. After dealing with this for so long, my self esteem is awful. I had a random man try to add me on Facebook earlier this year. He sent me a message and told me how beautiful I was. He was respectful about it. I didn't add him because I knew what he was after and I am married. Even though I didn't know him, his comments made me feel so good for the following days. I used to be able to bring this sort of thing up and talk about it no problem with my husband, but it is so hard for me now because the thought that is in the back of my mind the entire time is, "why would anyone want to be intimate with someone like me anyway?!" I guess I really do have to work on myself first, but I don't even know where to start at this point.


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## IndianApple (Mar 27, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> I don't think that the poster was throwing anything in your face. I think that she was telling exactly what she saw in your posts. Probably to try to get you to really see and feel what's going on. Your husband is using passive aggressive tactics to disrespect you and avoid physical contact with you as much as possible.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




There are people who accept the fact with age and just let it go ..

There are people who know what is right and what is not... they try to know the root cause and resolve such issues to make sure such things would never happen again.. 

I guess OP is option 2.


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## DesperateHousewife007 (Oct 13, 2016)

IndianApple said:


> There are people who accept the fact with age and just let it go ..
> 
> There are people who know what is right and what is not... they try to know the root cause and resolve such issues to make sure such things would never happen again..
> 
> ...


Yes, I have known all along that it wasn't right. I did try really hard to talk to him and point him in the right direction. But, now I feel like I have put up with it for so long that I have put myself in a hole and don't know how to get out. And I do agree that it's partly my fault for putting up with it and letting it go this far, but we are both still young and for the most part, trying to figure life out. I had no idea that letting him treat me this way would drag my own feelings of myself this low too.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Hi, sorry you are going through this. 

What was your husband's reaction to the lingerie, toys, games etc? 
Was he excited to participate? 



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## IndianApple (Mar 27, 2016)

MrsAldi said:


> Hi, sorry you are going through this.
> 
> What was your husband's reaction to the lingerie, toys, games etc?
> Was he excited to participate?
> ...







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## DesperateHousewife007 (Oct 13, 2016)

MrsAldi said:


> Hi, sorry you are going through this.
> 
> What was your husband's reaction to the lingerie, toys, games etc?
> Was he excited to participate?
> ...


Sometimes, he is. Other times he makes me feel like it was just bad timing.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Oh I know the feeling. Its so tempting when someone shows the type of interest in you that you so desperately want from your spouse.

There are men who would love engage in passionate wonderful MUTUAL sex with you.

Can you live with knowing that they are out there while staying with your husband?


I wish I had a helpful suggestion, but I've failed to solve what seems like the same problem in my life after 30 years. 



DesperateHousewife007 said:


> snip
> After dealing with this for so long, my self esteem is awful. I had a random man try to add me on Facebook earlier this year. He sent me a message and told me how beautiful I was. He was respectful about it. I didn't add him because I knew what he was after and I am married. Even though I didn't know him, his comments made me feel so good for the following days. I used to be able to bring this sort of thing up and talk about it no problem with my husband, but it is so hard for me now because the thought that is in the back of my mind the entire time is, "why would anyone want to be intimate with someone like me anyway?!" I guess I really do have to work on myself first, but I don't even know where to start at this point.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

IndianApple said:


> There are people who accept the fact with age and just let it go ..
> 
> There are people who know what is right and what is not... they try to know the root cause and resolve such issues to make sure such things would never happen again..
> 
> I guess OP is option 2.


Yes, I get it. Been there done that. And something I learned about option 2 is that we can wallow in trying to figure out what's going for years. Some stay stuck in #2 for a lifetime even.

At some point, after we've done the homework to understand, we need to stop. At some point, trying to figure it out turns into "making excuses". At that point we need to take action.

The thread that I linked for DHW gives some of the best books out there for a person to use to figure it out. Those were provided to help her move alone more quickly.

If he does not change pretty quickly, she needs to take action. There are two phases to the actions that she needs to take.

1) First work on herself, on her self esteem and to get stronger emotionally.

2) Destabilize the relationship. This might wake him up or it might end the marriage. It's scary. I get that. Been there, done that too. And now I'm divorced. I'm a lot happier divorced than staying in a marriage where I'm not treated well.

DHW as been in #2 for some time now. She needs to move to action. (At her own time and pace of course.)


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

DesperateHousewife007 said:


> Sometimes, he is. Other times he makes me feel like it was just bad timing.


I was talking (well, my husband said nagging! It was during sports) about sex and he called me "sex mad"! I guess I'm still a bit annoyed over that!  
Timing is important, would he listen more after sex? Maybe that's a good time to explain things, works for me. 

Regarding oral for you, I recommend teasing him while you are giving him some! 
Instruct him that unless it's mutual, it will the end of BJs for him! 
Don't be afraid to be a little bossy (in a nice way). 
Tell him your orgasm first or nothing. 

If he's insecure or lazy regarding oral, try to use toys with him there, perhaps when he sees you have a mind blowing time, he will want to join in the fun! 

Basically, be a little more concentrated on you, on your pleasure. 
When he wants it, be a little selfish, perhaps then he'll be a lot more interested. 

Do you think that might work? 




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## DesperateHousewife007 (Oct 13, 2016)

MrsAldi said:


> I was talking (well, my husband said nagging! It was during sports) about sex and he called me "sex mad"! I guess I'm still a bit annoyed over that!
> Timing is important, would he listen more after sex? Maybe that's a good time to explain things, works for me.
> 
> Regarding oral for you, I recommend teasing him while you are giving him some!
> ...


I am willing to try it out!


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

DesperateHousewife007 said:


> So, do you have any advice for my situation or did you just come here to throw it all in my face and make me feel even worse about the sh*t that I have been putting up with? I obviously know he's being an ass about it or I wouldn't have came here in search of ways to possibly make things better.


A lot of people have called him out for the selfish sh*t that he IS in this thread. 

I'm trying to impress upon you that you need to *STOP* disrespecting yourself. I also brought up a salient point that he may very well be one of those men who can't see their wives as a sexual being once they've had children. That's a *real thing*, DesperateHousewife, and I think it's a very real possibility in your case. Please spend some time reading up about that.

Sadly, you seem to think this his disrespectful attitude toward you is your fault and that it's something *you've* caused. It's not your fault and you didn't cause it. But the damage his continued unacceptable treatment of you is doing to your sense of self worth and your self esteem is obvious because you've started another thread stating how YOU have to work on yourself 'in order to fix my sex life.' 

I agree that you need to work on yourself. But for your own well being, *not *to 'fix' what your husband has broken and selfishly refuses to fix, but to gain back a healthy sense of your own self worth. And that starts when you STOP allowing him to disrespect you sexually.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> I believe people can be taught...with the right motivation. As I said in my first post in this thread, only two choices. Work with me to fix this or we divorce.
> 
> See this thread for the same situation. A husband who shows no interest in his wife's pleasure. Notice the date... June 2013
> 
> ...


Anon,

I lived it. I was the uninterested H of 20 years married that finally GOT IT. I turned it around. So can this H of the OP. He just has to realize it and sometimes that takes some motivation. In my case it was the D motivation presented by my W. Furthermore, it was this site and similar that helped in showing me how I as not going full circle for the marriage.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Yeswecan said:


> Anon,
> 
> I lived it. I was the uninterested H of 20 years married that finally GOT IT. I turned it around. So can this H of the OP. He just has to realize it and sometimes that takes some motivation. In my case it was the D motivation presented by my W. Furthermore, it was this site and similar that helped in showing me how I as not going full circle for the marriage.


I did not know that about you @Yeswecan
Were you disinterested in her sexually, disinterested in sex in general, or unaware of her need for sexual fulfillment?

Fixing an unfulfilling sex life is very hard. Men have their pride and women have their shame, or some mix thereof, and overcoming pride and shame takes courage and humility.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> I did not know that about you @Yeswecan
> Were you disinterested in her sexually, disinterested in sex in general, or unaware of her need for sexual fulfillment?
> 
> Fixing an unfulfilling sex life is very hard. Men have their pride and women have their shame, or some mix thereof, and overcoming pride and shame takes courage and humility.



Anon,

Oh yeaaahhh...I was that guy floundering for years. My W kept showing me the deeper water to stop floundering. It took me time to understand the deeper water stops the floundering. What I did was believe that a good dad and supporting the family was what was required. The sex part with my W was like, "Don't I do enough?" Apparently I didn't and did not grasp that idea for close to 20 years. My W had every right to send me packing(she did talk about it over those years). I blew it off as I do enough with being a dad and supporting the family. I wonder if the OP H is feeling the say way. 

To answer your question I was truly unaware my W needed the affection. She said it many times to me. "Sex in marriage is a huge part of it." she would say. I just blew it off.....UNTIL...realizing she had every right to find that person who would provide the affection. However, my W never did. She cried silently(as told to me later) in the bathroom and prayed I would get it. Well I got it in a major way. Marriage took off like a rocket and is still on it's way to Pluto. 

My feelings here is the OP H does not get it. It is a triangle to me. At one point you have dad part of the marriage. The next point on the triangle is good provider(stable home, etc) and the third point to complete the triangle is loving/keeping your W emotional needs fulfilled. If any H connects the three dots completing the triangle life will be very good for that individual. It is a hell of a lot of work but the rewards are wonderful. Just got to want it.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Yeswecan said:


> Anon,
> 
> Oh yeaaahhh...I was that guy floundering for years. My W kept showing me the deeper water to stop floundering. It took me time to understand the deeper water stops the floundering. What I did was believe that a good dad and supporting the family was what was required. The sex part with my W was like, "Don't I do enough?" Apparently I didn't and did not grasp that idea for close to 20 years. My W had every right to send me packing(she did talk about it over those years). I blew it off as I do enough with being a dad and supporting the family. I wonder if the OP H is feeling the say way.
> 
> ...



My H too. "I go to work every day and come home every night. I am a good husband."

It must have been a painful awakening to see how your perception had been so incomplete for so long. 

Do you, or did you and your wife ever revisit past mistakes? Did or do you two ever talk about past hurts and past misdeeds? I guess I'm trying to figure out the defensiveness still present in my husband, even though he is behaving in a much better way. He will not go there and it bothers me that I'm expected to just forget soooo damn much.


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## GoodFunLife (Apr 24, 2015)

Desperate -

I would encourage you to think about the relationship between respect and attraction and to consider the possibility that this might be the root cause of your bedroom issues. 

Any man who is consistently not interested in giving pleasure to his woman and is dismissive of the (not so subtle) signals she is giving - yet at the same time expects on demand BJ's and has no problem using her as a repository - is most likely lacking both respect and attraction for her. 

And to take it a layer deeper - he probably feels that you have lost respect for yourself and through no fault of your own this has compounded the problem. You can't make him stop being a d!ck but you can stand up for yourself and stop rewarding his bad behavior. It will surely be awkward and uncomfortable for a while but my guess is when he starts to see you restore your own self respect, his respect for you will grow and so will his attraction and desire to give you pleasure instead of just taking whatever he can coerce you into giving him.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> My H too. "I go to work every day and come home every night. I am a good husband."
> 
> It must have been a painful awakening to see how your perception had been so incomplete for so long.
> 
> Do you, or did you and your wife ever revisit past mistakes? Did or do you two ever talk about past hurts and past misdeeds? I guess I'm trying to figure out the defensiveness still present in my husband, even though he is behaving in a much better way. He will not go there and it bothers me that I'm expected to just forget soooo damn much.


Painful? Yes. Specifically the crying by herself in the bathroom after I went to sleep. I felt like a complete sh!t. Such a simple thing when you think about it. Love your W emotional and physically. Is that so hard? Well hell, I'm working providing and changing a diaper. You want more? Resentment builds. Defensive stance is present at that time. I still get defensive at times. Specifically when I'm trying my best but my W reaction is not what I expected. Most of that comes from miscommunication. But yes, it is very hard to "forget" some things said or done in the past years of a marriage. I don't expect my W to forget some of the bad portions of the past but I would hope when forgiven she would attempt to forget. 

So yes, we revisited my mistakes. Owned them. My W has some mistakes as well. I felt unappreciated. My W turned that around 100 fold. Our love languages of course. Once we understood each other language the marriage came full circle. We both apologized for not understanding our own specific love language and FIXED it from there on out. 

Once this was out in the open our marriage felt like the day we said our vows. It was refreshing and exciting. This revelation for us happened over 3 years ago. To this day that excitement honeymoon feeling has stayed. :smile2:


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Can you say why you couldn't understand what she was asking? I feel in a similar situation - despite my telling her, my wife either truly doesn't understand or truly doesn't care. 

Is there a better way to say it?



Yeswecan said:


> Anon,
> snip
> 
> To answer your question I was truly unaware my W needed the affection. She said it many times to me. "Sex in marriage is a huge part of it." she would say. I just blew it off.....
> snip


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> My H too. "I go to work every day and come home every night. I am a good husband."
> 
> It must have been a painful awakening to see how your perception had been so incomplete for so long.
> 
> Do you, or did you and your wife ever revisit past mistakes? Did or do you two ever talk about past hurts and past misdeeds? I guess I'm trying to figure out the defensiveness still present in my husband, even though he is behaving in a much better way. He will not go there and it bothers me that I'm expected to just forget soooo damn much.


Yeswecan mentions that he and his wife apologized and owned up. I think this is so huge. A heartfelt apology is every bit as important as changing your ways. Acknowledgement of hurts caused is the first step to righting them. 

Your husband acts better now, but has he ever apologized?

I think it's important because you can act better, but without acknowledgment of what went wrong, it's just going to make a person resentful in the long run because now they have to "act different" on top of everything else. It becomes another burden instead of the paradigm shift that's really needed. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

uhtred said:


> Can you say why you couldn't understand what she was asking? I feel in a similar situation - despite my telling her, my wife either truly doesn't understand or truly doesn't care.
> 
> Is there a better way to say it?


Oh, I understood what she asking. I felt I was doing enough. Add in video games and simply wanting to be left alone because of all I as doing. I didn't care. Who has time for intimacy when busy like I was right? Wrong! What got my attention was this site as well as others. I noticed a reoccurring theme to every infidelity post. Lack of intimacy/sex. As I'm reading these horrific tales of utter destruction of a marriage due to "no intimacy/sex" my gears started turning. My W could have gone to another. After all, my W explained to me over the years what she was missing. However, my W stayed the course and prayed that one day I would understand. The revelation that my W loved me so much that she did not waiver but waited until I got it left me astonished. Twenty years she waited. I as utterly floored. It was at that very moment of the revelation that I fully understood how I completely screwed up that portion of the marriage. Did I feel like a horses arse? Yes, an entire team of horses arses. Since then I changed 100+++% in the H department. I leave no doubt in my W mind that I love her PHYSICALLY and as often as possible. It is very much about appreciating each other and saying it every day. It is understanding each others top desire in a relationship and fulfilling it.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Fozzy said:


> Yeswecan mentions that he and his wife apologized and owned up. I think this is so huge. A heartfelt apology is every bit as important as changing your ways. Acknowledgement of hurts caused is the first step to righting them.
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Fozzy, my apology to my W was direct eye contact and absolutely sincere from the heart. It lifted a huge burden of my misgivings over the years. My W did not know what to make of it. As we know, ACTIONS speak louder. After the apologies the actions to follow drove it home and made it real/tangible. It certainly became a new chapter.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Fozzy said:


> Yeswecan mentions that he and his wife apologized and owned up. I think this is so huge. A heartfelt apology is every bit as important as changing your ways. Acknowledgement of hurts caused is the first step to righting them.
> 
> Your husband acts better now, but has he ever apologized?
> 
> ...



No, he hasn't apologized and the odd time something is brought up, he gets very defensive and shuts it down.

Yes, you're absolutely right that it feels like another burden of bearing hurt (at times but not all the time) to be expected to forget and move on when there has never been an acknowledgement or apology. Reasons, yes. Rationale, yes. Explanations, yes. Acknowledgement that what he did, or didn't do, hurt, never. Acknowledgement his idea of how to be a husband was wholly inadequate, never.

And so I end up feeling gaslighted because when I remember, if I should say outloud what I'm thinking, I am a grudge holder.




Yeswecan said:


> Fozzy, my apology to my W was direct eye contact and absolutely sincere from the heart. It lifted a huge burden of my misgivings over the years. My W did not know what to make of it. As we know, ACTIONS speak louder. After the apologies the actions to follow drove it home and made it real/tangible. It certainly became a new chapter.


Yes, actions do speak louder than words, but actions do not take the place of words.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> No, he hasn't apologized and the odd time something is brought up, he gets very defensive and shuts it down.
> 
> Yes, you're absolutely right that it feels like another burden of bearing hurt (at times but not all the time) to be expected to forget and move on when there has never been an acknowledgement or apology. Reasons, yes. Rationale, yes. Explanations, yes. Acknowledgement that what he did, or didn't do, hurt, never. Acknowledgement his idea of how to be a husband was wholly inadequate, never.
> 
> ...



It can become a burden on both of you. A burden on you for the reasons you state, but also a burden on him (leading to more resentment from him) because now he feels he has to act different even though he doesn't think he's done anything wrong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Fozzy said:


> It can become a burden on both of you. A burden on you for the reasons you state, but *also a burden on him (leading to more resentment from him) *because now he feels he has to act different even though he doesn't think he's done anything wrong.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Never thought of it that way but you raise a good point. Hell yes he would have a lot of resentment if he didn't think he had done anything wrong but to have a peaceful home he has to act differently.

I'm not sure that's my burden to share.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> Yes, actions do speak louder than words, but actions do not take the place of words.


Agreed 100%. The words come first that are followed by acting on those words. :smthumbup:


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> Never thought of it that way but you raise a good point. Hell yes he would have a lot of resentment if he didn't think he had done anything wrong but to have a peaceful home he has to act differently.
> 
> I'm not sure that's my burden to share.


Yes, I get defensive when I believe I did not do anything wrong. Unfortunately my first reaction is always a defensive one. I had to learn to shut up and listen. Still working on that!


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## DesperateHousewife007 (Oct 13, 2016)

Over the past week, I followed some of the advice I got here and I will say I can tell it is working! I know it's nothing solid and it is definitely going to take some time to get things where they need to be. But a little improvement is definitely something to be thankful for at this point!


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Hi OP, I am the poster than Anon linked to - 18 years no orgasms. (Anon was my biggest cheerleader during the time and I always feel her advice is on point and she speaks the truth.)

It's been a journey with some setbacks but it's definitely been worth the work to change. I think both DH and I were sexually immature and just never progressed through our marriage. I reached a point where I was done. I was ready to end the marriage over sex. I was 44 at the time, had never had an orgasm with DH or any other sexual partner before him. There were things in life I wanted to experience and an adult sexual relationship was one of them. 

DH was at first only reacting to save our marriage. My orgasms were not important to him. He would have been more than happy to go the rest of his life having sex with me when and how it suited him and then turning over and going to sleep. At the beginning our encounters failed. He couldn't find the right way to get me there and the only direction I could give him was to mimic the way I masturbated. Since he was 'trying' this became enough for him. For a period of time he would try, nothing would happen, he would finish and I was really no better off than I had been. 

I got mad - again. Started to consider ending the marriage again. This led to a decision that actually turned the tide. I told him no PIV under any circumstances unless I've already come. I will do it or you will do it. Things aren't going one inch farther until I've had an orgasm. And for a long time I got myself off. For a long time I would get my vibrator out and he would wait. After some time he started to help. He would finger me while I used the vibrator and this resulted in crazy strong orgasms, better than I'd ever had in my life. I guess this is when things changed for him. He was participating, he was adding a component I could not mimic by myself. He became intrigued with upping my orgasms. His confidence grew by doing this. 

More time passed, he asked me to not get out the vibrator, he wanted to try himself again. He found some magical oral/manual combination that started giving me multiple orgasms. Now I very reliably have orgasms with him this way. I don't even care about ever having PIV orgasms with him. I wouldn't want to give up any of that oral! 

So, in my case fortunately things did work out. It did take time! The better part of 3 years. I didn't start coming overnight. He didn't start caring overnight. It was a long process. I had to grow up too, I had to accept responsibility for my part of the problem. I didn't start having orgasms when I became sexually active. I was embarrassed that my body wasn't working right. I was embarrassed I couldn't come like other women. I didn't say anything about it. I didn't expect a sexual experience equal to his. Felt that I was broken, not worth the embarrassment or trouble. We never talked about sex. I kept him ignorant of my feelings, made jokes to my friends at his expense, became bitter. A man couldn't find a clitoris with directions and a map, amiright? So in retrospect I find my past behavior as bad, perhaps worse than his was. I think he was just happy to be having sex and really wasnt educated about a woman's body. But he is now and I have no complaints! Dynamics can change. It is possible.


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