# How to will yourself to not care



## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

What if - 

You were in a relationship that you couldn't end for two years for legal reasons.

Your husband told you he wanted out of the relationship but not out of the house.

He wanted to sleep in your bed but never have sex.

You were still in love with him and wanted it badly enough to work to border on obsession.

If I can change my thinking to his way - only being freinds, never wanting a romantic or sexual relationship - I can get through these two years. 

But I need to be able to stop being in love with him, stop wanting to fix us, stop hurting when he's loving to everyone else but me, stop hurting when he ignores me or is cruel to me. 

Keeping myself busy with work helps some. But I work from home (in our bedroom no less) so there is a constant reminder of him. 

I am trying to get out more, but all the people I socialize with are his friends. 

Some of his friends are getting to be pretty close to me, and I would hate to lose them if we broke up. 

Other than just not being around when he's home, what else can I do? How do you get over someone when there is a constant reminder of them and their rejection of you? He lives here, he sleeps in our bed, and he doesn't love me or want me. He is constantly playing with and affectionate to our kids, bordering on the really weird at times. (he will take the baby's hand and put it down my shirt for a 'joke' and say "look at mommy's great tits!) but never say anything sexual or complimentary on his own. He will bring the baby over to the bed if i'm lying down and nuzzle him and kiss on his neck like he would do with me - and wants me to see and approve of it. I just leave the room, I can't stand it. 

I can't kick him out, but I need a healthy way of helping myself turn off my emotions for him.

So many of you have fallen 'out of love' - how would you do it if you needed to? :scratchhead:


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I cannot understand why you want someone who is so cruel. His behavior is totally unacceptable. Tell him. He may not love you but he owes you decency and respect if only for the sake of the children. What messages are they learning about mistreating others, from him? What messages are they learning about living with unkindness, from you? Don't stand for it.

Second, the "not able to separate" thing is probably only b/c one or both of you are unwilling to accept the sacrifices it might mean. I suggest you get over that! Think about having your own place, even if it is tiny. It would spell freedom and relief. so what if it creates a financial set back? If he objects, tough sh*t. He's created the situation, so he has to live with it. He doesn't get to make all the decisions. Find a place, take the kids, move. he can deal with the house, rent it, or sell it. Make sure you talk to a lawyer first, however. Maybe you can force him out, and have him pay for child support, etc. Too bad if he has to live with roommates or his parents or whatever. don't agree to anything to help him that compromises the things you really need--which, right now, is to be done with living with him so you can get on with repairing your heart and starting your new life. 

For now, insist on separate bedrooms. He can sleep on the couch if he's unwilling to share a true marriage bed. His decision, so he is the one who should move out. 

Are you getting counseling? Sounds like you would really benefit. Also, start broadening your circle of friends. Join a group or club totally unrelated to him/his friends. Is your job one where you could go to a workplace? that might help, too. 

Stand up for yourself, and you will start to feel better. Good luck.


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## reidqa01 (Apr 26, 2009)

Snix,

No affair (I do not know) on your part, then decency is the word of the day.

If you had affair, then accept what is forthcoming and dished out.

If you had affair, simply leave, the same applicalbe for him.

But no affair either side, make room for each other.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

snix11 said:


> How do you get over someone when there is a constant reminder of them and their rejection of you? He lives here, he sleeps in our bed, and he doesn't love me or want me.


This is what you're going to have to change your thoughts processes about. My sister also thinks this way. She's in love with a complete loser because she's so fixated on his rejection of her. But the guy is a complete nut case and doesnt know what he wants in life. He's so lost and confused, and she takes the confusion as a personal rejection. She internalizes it as having something to do with her worth. 

you have to separate your worth from their actions. Ive had to do it to an extent with my H. They're just people. they arent accepting you or rejecting you. they're just trying to live their life. Your worth has nothing to do with their choices. when you figure that out you wont hurt as much anymore.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Thanks everybody - Blanca, I'm working on it. 

No, there has been no affairs. Just his weirdness that drives me nuts. After telling me he was finally ready to leave me and move out, and me crying and finally becoming ok with it, he is then nice to me all day, even affectionate. 

I was planning on confronting him tonight about it, but his mother was admitted to the hospital and will probably die in the next 24 hours. Certainly not a time to bring things up.


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## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

I agree with Blanca and sisters above. 

I think he's been very clear that he is not interested in the relationship anymore. I would have given up on him long ago if it were me. I would not let him sleep in your bed, and frankly, I'd ask him to move out. What he is doing is just unfair in every single way. It pains me to read about your story, and all the ways he's treated you. You've tried plenty and I think he go now. Not you. 

I don't think a confrontation is even needed. Just let him know (after his mother's crisis passes) that he needs to leave. Period. I wish you luck - you deserve better than this guy.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

I'm sure after the crisis passes he will bring it up. But there is the taking off life support tomorrow, the funeral, the huge family gathering (probably here) the inevitable family arguments etc. 

I figure it will be at least two weeks before he's ready to move out. 

In the mean time, I'm just being supportive and trying to help his kids - he hasn't talked to them or been here for several days and doesn't talk very well with them about this stuff. Plus he's wrapped up in his own grief and guilt at the moment. 

And of course he's taking off work till further notice, which leaves me in the role of super mom, grief counselor for a 10 yr old, hand holding for him, sole money earner etc. 

And now this swine flu to deal with. Fun fun...


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

snix11 said:


> I was planning on confronting him tonight about it, but his mother was admitted to the hospital and will probably die in the next 24 hours. Certainly not a time to bring things up.


It's just possible that her death might be the catalyst for his improvement. He will gain some release from it. Is his dad alive?


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

no doubt the death of his mother will change him...somehow. i'm sorry for your husband's and your loss.

on the chance you need to hear it again, your husband is not only very confused, and the death of his mother most likely will add to that confusion for the forseeable future, but he also displays cruelty towards you, and his interactions with his children you describe are just plain wierd and beyond unacceptable. 

i wish you all the best.


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## reidqa01 (Apr 26, 2009)

Snix,

I too wish you all the best during these trying times.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

This is bordering on emotional cruelty! In fact, I think it's crossed the line. Get help for yourself, if you haven't already. Ask him to move out of the bedroom. I know, in situations like these, there is hope that he'll roll over one night and profess his love/lust/whatever. Let him work for it, if this happens. Join a social group/activity or something that you like. Make your own different friends. Get your own life and keep yourself busy in different fun ways.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

hi everybody. thank you for your kind words and your thoughts. He's doing ok i guess. He told me thank you for being so patient today. I have no idea what that means. Patient for what? him moving out? his impending speech about how i'm not the girl for him?

whatever. it's just kind of a fog this week. i was at the hospital today with his family. he asked me to be there (in his way... "yes, you can be there if you want to, yes you should be there")

i just tried not to be a fifth wheel and comfort as best i could. he has his sisters and his aunts now. it's good to see him being real with them. somewhere along the line i lost him - wasn't in the waiting room, or the smoking area or at his truck or with his mom, so i just came home and got the kids in bed. 

what a week.


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