# Did he cheat or am I just insecure?



## sweet pce (Oct 28, 2010)

Ok so I've been with this man for a few years now, about a year and half ago I was confronted by one of his friends who told me that he had witnessed my BF get "close" with another woman!! I then confronted him and he claimed that they were just really good friends and that she was like a cousin to him, I told him I would be more comfortable with the whole situation if I met her. They still talk and txt all the time (which is extremely flirtatious), we still haven't met. Since this situation I've been extremely insecure, to the point where I check his txts and emails. I am now 38 weeks pregnant and about 4 months ago my BF called me at about 1PM and said he was going to have a beer with his buddy and he'd be on his way shortly. 5 hours later shows up drunk telling me some crap story about how his friends room mate had tried to stab him and that he just wanted to shower and he was going to go back and make sure his friend wasn't going to get hurt. He got home at 2 that night and was really drunk so I let him go to bed in peace. I asked him why he was late the next day and he said that he had actually left at 1030pm but he had helped some kid who blew a tire on the side of the road and drove him home, the time he left and location of where he took the kid has changed multiple times. After this he started getting txts from someone called "Shan," I asked him who it was and he said it was spelling error and that it was really "Shawn" but never fixed it. Everytime I try to confront him he gets really mad at me and storms off yelling. I then noticed this person sending him txts like "tell me you're coming" or "come out with me and my girls tonight" he would tell her things like he's working when he's with his mother and I or that his ride had broken down when we're out on a date. I called the number and it turns out it's a girl named "Shona" who also happens to be his best friend's GF!! WTF? I've never had a problem with him having his friends GF's on his phone, he talks to some of them regularly and I never ask any questions about so I don't understand why he'd lie. He goes out drinking all the time without giving me a heads up or anything just comes home drunk. I've stopped trying to confront him when these things happen because he just gets mad at me and I'm way too emotional to control any of my feelings, I just deal with it and everyday I wake thinking about these things and I feel angry and frustrated. I don't think I'm up for this!!

Is he a cheating liar or am I overreacting?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

He's cheating you out of an emotional relationship, He's set his priorities and you are in the middle of them, He's not being honest.

Most likely he's made some advances at other chicks. Lets say he hasn't slept with this chick and they are just "friends" and you want to know if your over reacting b/c you..... well yes he is cheating you out of an emotional connection that a relationship should have.

My question is. Is his behavior exceptable as long as he doesn't sleep around or is his behavior unexceptable no matter what is really going on b/c his priority is not focused on his relationship with you?

In short you are being neglected, period.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Well you tell me. My definition of "faithfulness" is giving 100% of your affection and loyalty to your spouse ONLY. When you two married, most likely somewhere in the vows was something about "...forsaking all others". Thus, if he is giving some of his affection to someone else, that would unfaithful according to my definition. Doesn't matter if it's "just friends" or fooling around. 100% is 100%!! Likewise if he is more loyal to protecting this "friend" and keeping that "friendship" secret than he is to being loyal to you--then it's not 100% to you, is it? 

In a healthy marriage, the two spouses are lovers and best friends, and they are transparent to one another. That means I let my Dear Hubby see the Real Me (warts and all) and I don't hide things from him even when I'm afraid he won't like it or he'll get mad. Would you say he is being transparent with you? Or is he hiding things?

Seems to me you've answered your own question.


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## sweet pce (Oct 28, 2010)

the guy said:


> My question is. Is his behavior exceptable as long as he doesn't sleep around or is his behavior unexceptable no matter what is really going on b/c his priority is not focused on his relationship with you?


No, it's definitely not acceptable but I feel helpless! Sometimes I love him more than anything and I can't believe he'd do these things and at other times I'm so sick at the thought of him I just want to leave.

I'm pregnant and feel like if I leave I'll be putting my daughter through what I went through and I don't want her to experience the whole broken home scenario and I feel stuck. On the other hand I also don't want her to grow up in house full of negative energies. 

We can't work through these things because he won't talk about them. He apologizes for being a jerk but he never owns up to these things that happen with other women. 

Could it be me? At about 3 months pregnant I began to get really angry and emotional when he'd go out clubbing all night, maybe I was jealous or just thought that if I wasn't going to drink then he should be here going through all of this with me, he'd go regardless and get mad at me for being mad at him. Was I just pushing him away or making it worse? I know that I can be overly emotional sometimes and maybe I was taking the wrong approach or something... He said he needed time to be a man, to be himself, and that sometimes people need to be apart. I somewhat agree but when we're together I still feel alone... 

ugh, I'm sorry my post is such a mess but I'm very confused and I'm feeling a lot of different things... Not sure about what I'm going to do, what I should do, or how to do it. I'm only 21 and I feel 40 inside :S


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

AC has good things to say so reread her reply.

If you want to give your kid a good example on how to have a health marriage you may want to rethink the the whole raising your kid in a loveless marraige. No one wants to teach there kids the wrong way to do things.

Or you can have the marraige I had, see you are married to me in away... 19 years ago. Most likely you two will have another kid and he will stop partying but he now has to work harder to get his family feed. 

You for sure resent him for past behaviors (going out ), and in addition you will resent him even more b/c he's working. I know that doesn't make sense but in 6 or 7 more years you will find some one that you will connect with emotional and you will put a spin on it, something like" he's not there emotionaly so my new friend will met my emotional needs. 

so your friend ship turn in to a affair you have sex with OM and you fell like sh*t so you stop for a few years. He still isn't around so justify another affair. Soon he will find out and 10 or 12 years go by and you guys final work it out. 

Maybe you dont, Maybe you leave him know and prevent this ugly future that me and my wife lead for so many years.

Maybe he figures it out now and prevent the missery that me and my wife caused each other. See it took my wife to cheat on me to pull my head out of my [email protected]@. Maybe leaving him will get his out head out sooner then it did for me.

Please reread AC's reply that will help you understand why you are validated in your feelings. Reread my post to help you understand the future.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

sweet pce said:


> At about 3 months pregnant I began to get really angry and emotional when he'd go out clubbing all night
> :S


Clubbing like dance clubs? Those places where the girls go dressed like ****s and half of them are there to get laid? Those places where EVERY male is there hoping to get laid? Why do you think he goes to nightclubs? Is he always cutting a rug around the house but just needs to break loose on a dance floor every now and then? 

Let me guess: he doesn't go into a lot of detail about these clubbing excursions, right? You ask but after a few questions he gets defensive, right? Sorry to break this to you honey, but for a guy, clubbing is all about the strange.


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## sweet pce (Oct 28, 2010)

well, it happened again! The other night my BF told me he was going to meet his friend for some drinks, I have lost all trust so when he jumped in the shower I checked his text messages and as I suspected he was going to meet up with the OW. I let him go out of fear he would yet again twist it around and get angry with me, while he was gone it felt like I got angrier with every thought that passed. He called me at about 7pm and said he'd be on his way home shortly, he didn't show up until 1am, he was angry and abrupt. We didn't speak at all but he slammed each door he passed through and stammered around the house without purpose and eventually passed out in the spare room. I finally confronted him about the OW the next evening, he tried to lie and maintained that it was guy his friend worked with until I told him that I had called the number ( I hadn't but it worked like a charm), he then went quiet and left quickly, we again slept in differnet rooms. I asked him on Sunday why he would lie to me about it, he was playing video games and said we should talk about when he was more focused and could concentrate on the conversation. He avoided me for the rest of the day and when we went to bed he tried to act like he was sleeping right away but as soon as I caught him with his eyes open I asked him again. He told me that he didn't know why he had lied and that he didn't want to tell me because I get angry every time he goes out. I told him it was because all he does is lie and it was never like this until he got caught lying accidentally. He told me that it was my fault that he lies and that nothing happened between them, he was just trying to protect me and that if I'm going to go through his phone I should ask him about the things that I find. I asked him who he was with on Friday night and he tried to tell me again that it was his guy friend. I asked for his phone on the spot, he got really nervous but gave it to me anyways, Probably thinking I was only looking for texts from girls. I found a thread between him and this guy friend he was supposedly with Friday discussing what they had done that night and it was clear they weren't together at all, we got into a bit of an argument... I told him I didn't think I could do this anymore and that I can't live the rest of my life wondering if he's telling the truth, I should just be able to trust in him and his decisions. He lied to cover up lies and didn't even apologize after he was caught. *I *slept on the couch last night and today he's acting like I'm the jerk, he asked me if I was staying here for the day as if he wants me to leave now.... I'm 39 weeks pregnant, I have no income right now, and I hurt beyond any hurt I've ever felt. What am I supposed to do, why am I the who has to pay for what he's done? I don't understand how he can one day love me more than anything and the next just dust me off like I'm nothing. What did I do to him that would make him treat me like this? Am I crazy and just over analyzing the situation or does it seem definite to anyone else that he's cheating? Is there anyone else who's gone through something like this>?


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

sweet pce said:


> I'm 39 weeks pregnant,


Isnt that almost 10 months?



sweet pce said:


> I have no income right now, and I hurt beyond any hurt I've ever felt. What am I supposed to do, why am I the who has to pay for what he's done? I don't understand how he can one day love me more than anything and the next just dust me off like I'm nothing.


I am genuinely sorry your going through this. 



sweet pce said:


> What did I do to him that would make him treat me like this?


If he's having an affair, This is NOT YOUR FAULT. I don't care what you did, NOTHING makes this your FAULT. This is a failing IN HIM. Not you, you can NOT take responsibily for his choices.



sweet pce said:


> Is there anyone else who's gone through something like this>?


Most of us here. Different situations, details & people, But same betrayal, pain & heartache.


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## sweet pce (Oct 28, 2010)

hahaha I asked the same question but 40 weeks is the start of the 10th month, so it's a full 9 months and a full term pregnancy is 40 weeks.

I can't help but think that maybe it's something I'm not providing that's making him turn to other women. I've tried to remain calm but I think I might have lost my temper last night and made a mistake. I don't want to leave him but I feel like I don't have a choice, I want to be happy and I don't want to be that mother who's always bitter and sour and I feel like if I don't find out the truth it's always going to be there in the back of my mind making me angry and hateful. I think my need to know the truth might be making the situation worse...


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