# Dealing with issues/in-laws



## flight11 (Mar 25, 2013)

Ours was a love marriage and we are married for close to 4 months now. Though we had lived together before marriage when his parents were away we don't seem to have the same relationship now. 
1. He is too much concerned about his mother and father at times it goes to an extent that even when we are having our personal time/sex at night he talks about his parents suddenly like "dad has cold for the last two days will he be okay, he looks tired". I dont know if this is how husbands/guys are after marriage?
2. And he cares a lot about his parents that even for a smaller thing to be bought for me or to go out for a beach he thinks so much, gets their permission.In case his mother doesnt reply with a happy note we never go out if I insist on. 
3. Most of the things that I talk with him like my interest about how our kids should be is never kept as a personal matter. He discusses everything with his mother and his mother always talks to him about me (good/bad),any thing that she needs when I am away. 
4. Even for cooking something of my interest or trying out my hand, I am in a position to consult with his dad, mom and then do it. If his dad doesn't like the food is not prepared at home at all. 
5. Anything to be bought only his dad should go out to buy, though we are the only two earning members at home we are only in a position to give him a list and he will only buy. I sometimes feel even my husband should go out learn to buy things and know the cost of living. He is just equivalent to an illiterate in these matters.He doesnt have any responsibility other than transfering money to his dad as soon as he gets the salary. 

I feel so bad that I am frustrated but I refrained from showing these because we end up fighting/arguing and I end up crying and I have started to burry all my problems or likings or interest. This way I feel I dont love him anymore or I dont know what is there to get attracted towards him. but I am scared problems would come and I dont want that to hurt my parents bcos they never wanted me to do a love marriage initially though they are very happy about the marriage now. But this way I only feel acting to my husband and his parents but I dont feel free,given a chance i think I might go away and be happy. But I still feel 4 months is too early to think about a break up. At this point in time I need some let out and suggestions to deal within myself. Please help.


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## LouAnn Poovy (Mar 21, 2013)

Where are you?


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## flight11 (Mar 25, 2013)

How is that relevant?


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## relationshipsguide_gal (Apr 6, 2013)

Sorry about your plight flight11. I think the first few months in a new marriage living with the in-laws is the most trying times. I hope you be able to find a way to adjust more easily and if it becomes too much, remember you can talk to your husband. He's your husband after all. Just say things in a NON-threatening way while being honest about your feelings. If it's becomes too difficult to you, you can write it in a letter. Well wishes, mae


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Why are you living with his parents? Can you two move to your own place, even if it's just a small apartment? It seems that would fix most of your problems.

I also don't understand why your husband is transferring his pay to his dad. Why is his father in control of your finances? Why can't you go buy groceries and his father always has to do it.

I feel like I'm missing something. You said this was a love marriage, so I'm assuming you also have arranged marriages in your culture?


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Everyone.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Maybe you should introduce your husband to the phrase: Happy wife, happy life.

Whatever your situation, you need to stop acting and be yourself. Be honest with your husband about how you feel and what you are thinking. Tell him what you want, tell him what he does that upsets you, tell him what he does that you like and love, talk with him. Also be open to listening to him as well. You two need to develop your own bond and your own trust - he needs to start understanding that you are the woman in his life, not his mother.

If he and his family don't like it, well, then you know where you stand and you can do whatever is best for you after that. But at this point, your husband needs to know how close he is to losing you because he is not taking YOU into consideration. YOU are his family now, too, and deserve respect and an opportunity to grow and flourish.

Your husband brought you into that house, so it is his responsibility to make sure you are and feel welcome and comfortable.


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## firefly789 (Apr 9, 2013)

When your husband married you, your opinions and likes should have become the most important. He should not be thinking about his parents all the time, especially when you are intimate. He seems immature. Giving his salary to his parents? This needs to stop. How does he react when you bring this up? Do not have children until this is resolved.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

What's a "love marriage"? :scratchhead: Sounds like you husband loves his parents too much. You got yourself a real "Mama's Boy". Papa's boy too! 

This is what parents today do to their kids by hovering over them and controlling everything they do. They turn into neurotic, immature adults. :slap:

You are and always will be third in line. Do you want that? It's going to be a very lonely and frustrating marriage for you. Do you really want that to be this way for the rest of your life? Do you want to bring kids into this mess because if you think it's bad with what you EAT wait until you have kids! 

I'd send him a message NOW and move out. If he doesn't follow you then you've got good reason to end it and move on. He obviously hasn't moved on from his childhood. :loser:


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

I wouldn't do it. If I couldn't afford to live on my own then I wouldn't get married and if my kids wanted to move in with me after getting married I wouldn't let them. IMO you need to be self sufficient to be married. Otherwise stay single. 

If you are going to play adult games then act like adults. 

I can see if there was a crisis in the family (you lose your home or job, etc ) but to just plan to move in? Wait to get married until you can be on your own then.


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