# Spinoff: Porn in relationship with good sex life



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

So, as a kind of spin off to a couple of other threads, I have a burning question.

Men: if you are in a relationship with a GOOD sex life, meaning: it's happy, it's mutual, you feel the majority of your needs are being met, and there is a reasonable frequency, would you be willing to give up watching occasional porn?

So, I'm not talking about sex starved relationships. And I'm not talking about sexual relationships in which major needs aren't being met. And I'm not talking about watching it together.

I'm asking about solo porn consumption in addition to your good sex life with your partner.

Time and time again I've read men saying THEY FEEL.... entitled to consume porn, and they also defend it by asserting it doesn't harm their relationship (in their view).

Under those circumstances, in a good sexual relationship, would you be willing to give up solo porn use?

If not, WHY?


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

Yes, in fact I have given it up. 100% for at least 3 years now. 

I guess I have a sticking point with the entitlement comment you made though. I don't think men feel entitled to consume it...I think they feel entitled to make their own decision about it's consumption and use, and to me those are two totally different things. I think a man's (or woman's for that matter) opinion about whether it causes harm in a relationship or not should be just as valuable as any other conflicting opinions in the matter. I just think that person just had better be ready with some pretty good points and counterpoints when making that argument for themselves.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

You'll tear it away from my cold dead hands. In seriousness I am very happy with our sex life. If my wife asked me to stop watching porn I would have no issue. But she would have to stop also.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I have a great sex life. In that one way (certainly not financially!), I may be in the 1%. Even so, it's not perfect, and I would gladly have sex even more often. So the answer is no, and I see no need to give up occasional porn because it fills a need and never detracts from or diminishes sex with my wife. She doesn't seem to care as long as she's not neglected. And I agree with @hubbyintrubby about "entitlement."


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

I have a great sex life and I never watch porn.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I am milked daily and hence forbidden to milk myself as I only produce enough milk for consumption and not enough for wastage. 

In other words, I'm lower drive than my partner, so it would be suicide to our sex life (and real life )


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## Imperfections (Nov 26, 2020)

Livvie said:


> So, as a kind of spin off to a couple of other threads, I have a burning question.
> 
> Men: if you are in a relationship with a GOOD sex life, meaning: it's happy, it's mutual, you feel the majority of your needs are being met, and there is a reasonable frequency, would you be willing to give up watching occasional porn?


My sex life is great however I am always keen to learn, think and find out about new things. (Otherwise what’s the point to life?) I don’t ‘watch’ porn (as in, I don’t actively seek it out), however if I come across anything that interests me, I may watch it for the same reason my wife may watch a cooking show: if she sees some recipe that she likes and that wets her appetite, she will want to make it for us to eat together...

I think there’s a big misconception by some women why some guys watch it (for good reasons; for many, it is a very unhealthy obsession and hurts relationships). If I knew this was hurting my spouse in any way, I would stab myself in the eyes next time anything remotely ‘porn-like’ flashed in front of me. Is your question perhaps: whether it is POSSIBLE for a guy to give up? Yes, absolutely but it’s difficult to avoid because it’s everywhere.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

What if they are with partners who don't mind them watching porn and don't find it threatening...?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Livvie said:


> So, as a kind of spin off to a couple of other threads, I have a burning question.


As a side note, you might want to see a doctor about that burning. You can't get it from porn, but might from a partner!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

It depends.....

If, I am at that age where I must wear_ Depends_, then yes.
...........................................

Seriously, I personally have no problem with what you suggest.

..........................................

That said....

What other people do in their private moments is their business.

.........................................

That said.....

The Genie is out of the lamp. There is no going back.

.........................................

Pick your mates, carefully.
Atter you vet them and pick them, do not nit-pick them, pushing them to go back on their word.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Our sex life is good and I still view porn. My wife knows I view porn and never really says much about it. It’s a nonissue with us. My wife never watches porn but has on a couple occasions asked to watch it with me.... though we never seem to have gotten around to that


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Livvie said:


> So, as a kind of spin off to a couple of other threads, I have a burning question.
> 
> Men: if you are in a relationship with a GOOD sex life, meaning: it's happy, it's mutual, you feel the majority of your needs are being met, and there is a reasonable frequency, would you be willing to give up watching occasional porn?
> 
> ...


I would give up porn, just like drinking, gambling, hanging out with friends, watching football on Sunday or just being lazy on a Saturday only because I chose to do it. I would not give up anything because someone asked. If she demanded, I’d know she is not the right one for me. 

“Good sex” is in the eye of the beholder. What one thinks is “good” another might think is garbage.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Livvie said:


> Men: if you are in a relationship with a GOOD sex life, meaning: it's happy, it's mutual, you feel the majority of your needs are being met, and there is a reasonable frequency, would you be willing to give up watching occasional porn?


I've had all of that and plenty more in all of my rich ongoing sexual relationships, and the answer is no I would not give it up.

As to why, I like visual pornography and erotica, plus I do as I please. Of which my sexual partners can either accept me as I am (as I do of them), or as always they are more than welcome to forfeit their splendid opportunity to be with me.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Already did give it up; so yes.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Mr.Married said:


> My wife never watches porn but has on a couple occasions asked to watch it with me.... though we never seem to have gotten around to that


You sir, better hop on that! Don't let that be a wasted opportunity.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Interesting, thanks for the replies!

For some women, if they are putting substantial energy into making sure they are attractive and sexy to their partner, working on keeping sex in their thoughts and arranging their life so they have the time and energy in it for regular sex (not making HIM jump through hoops to get her in the mood or stress free or not tired, etc.) and try to be a giving, adventurous sex partner.... for her partner to still use porn, can feel like a huge turnoff.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Livvie said:


> For some women, if they are putting substantial energy into making sure they are attractive and sexy to their partner, working on keeping sex in their thoughts and arranging their life so they have the time and energy in it for regular sex (not making HIM jump through hoops to get her in the mood or stress free or not tired, etc.) and try to be a giving, adventurous sex partner.... for her partner to still use porn, can feel like a huge turnoff.


I agree with you and am certain that it is true for some women. yet that's the thing, it applies to some and not others.

Yet it just hasn't been an issue for me.

Of which my wife doesn't care about my looking at pornography and erotica. While she also encourages me to pay more nude models, to pose for me so I can paint pictures of them. She has also told me that she doesn't feel threatened by my enjoying the sight of other women. And she says through my actions and behaviour, I have always made her feel extraordinarily desired as a sexual mate and loved tremendously. One thing for sure she isn't turned off, since we enjoy a great sex life that is more varied, frequent and exciting than most people ever get to enjoy.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

For background context, I am not anti-porn. I think within certain guidelines and contexts that it has it's place and can even have value. 

And I love me some good nuru massage videos! LOL

That being said, back when my wife had an active libido and especially when we were active in the swinging lifestyle, I couldn't really have cared less if porn existed or not. 

So to answer your questions, yes, I would be perfectly ok without any porn if I had an active and satisfying sex life. 

But now that being said, my ideal partner would likely enjoy certain porn genres herself and enjoying it together would be a welcomed bonus ;-) 

I really don't believe in either/or type scenarios. I think people should pursue that which they enjoy.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Personal said:


> I agree with you and am certain that it is true for some women. yet that's the thing, it applies to some and not others.
> 
> Yet it just hasn't been an issue for me.
> 
> Of which my wife doesn't care about my looking at pornography and erotica. While she also encourages me to pay more nude models, to pose for me so I can paint pictures of them. She has also told me that she doesn't feel threatened by my enjoying the sight of other women. And she says through my actions and behaviour, I have always made her feel extraordinarily desired as a sexual mate and loved tremendously. One thing for sure she isn't turned off, since we enjoy a great sex life that is more varied, frequent and exciting than most people ever get to enjoy.


I think the key might be that you HAVE always made your wife feel extraordinarily desired and loved tremendously. I'd be willing to wager that a lot of women who don't want their partner using porn might not feel so negatively about it if their partner felt the same way about them as you do your wife.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

My wife didn’t mind my using porn and TBH would probably prefer I returned to it. Unfortunately for us I’m done with it; jury is still out.


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## Lance Mannion (Nov 24, 2020)

Good scenario. My answer is complicated.  

I'm going to need to lay a foundation for my answer.

A man and a woman meet, in person or internet doesn't matter. They arrange a date of some sorts, not just a meeting, so there is some investment by both. Let's say a night out, dinner and drinks. Both have a good time. At the end of the night, no sex, but an expectation of another date. The woman calls her friends, she's all happy, it was a good date, she's very pleased with the attention he paid her, their interactions were rewarding. A good night. The man calls his friend, talks about the date, remarks that he's disappointed that he didn't get any action. The date was not all he expected. Maybe bedroom action will come on the 2nd date. He hopes so!

Men and women have two different sexual imperatives. The man wants sex. In a state of nature, he wants to go forth and screw lots of women and screw them a lot. The woman craves male attention, she wants to assemble a group of men who will give her attention and then, from that group, she will choose one to invest more in, have sex with.

As the relationship matures to exclusivity and marriage, the man must give up his sexual imperative, he sacrifices his prime goal in order to lock down his woman. Does a woman though have to give up male attention in order to lock down her mate? Most women still love getting male attention even when in relationships. Porn is, for many men, the same as non-sexual male attention is for many women. If a man can't go out and screw lots of women as many times as possible, at least he can view many women being screwed. It's a tapping into his sexual imperative in the same way that women do with their hunger for male attention and compliments. Women should think about the last time they were complimented and then ask the men in their lives when was the last time that the man received a compliment about his looks or his personality or talent. Some women have been surprised by the results of this experiment.

So, my answer is this, if a woman is prepared to fully give up her sexual imperative, then I will match her. We both make equal sacrifice and equal commitment to the health of the relationship. I'm not really prepared to be in a relationship where the man has to give up his sexual imperative fully and the woman can still seek out satisfaction from following her sexual imperative. That's too much of an unbalanced relationship for my liking.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I can't believe you equated compliments and attention a female might experience to masturbating to porn, unless you are talking about emotional affairs, sexting, flirting, shared inappropriate sexual innuendos ...


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## Lance Mannion (Nov 24, 2020)

Livvie said:


> I can't believe you equated compliments and attention a female might experience to masturbating to porn, unless you are talking about emotional affairs, sexting, flirting, shared inappropriate sexual innuendos ...


I can't help what you believe and don't believe.

Women who seek out male attention because they like how it makes them feel are continuing to follow their sexual imperative. That's pretty damn straightforward. Emotional affairs and sexting and such are just more downstream of that imperative, much like guys escalating their sexual imperative while in a marriage and buying lap dances from strippers. The man wants some form of sexual variety, the woman wants male attention. The lowest rung on that ladder is porn for men, they simply watch what others are doing, they do not participate, for women it is to go into the world and attract male attention and complements, the women feel good from engaging in that process. Both get a "tickle" of sorts on their sexual imperatives. The man is not breaking faith or vow by watching porn, the woman is also not breaking faith or vow by soliciting the attention of men other than her husband. Both though are following their sexual imperatives.

If you want your man to fully commit to you and forgo porn, to completely abandon his sexual imperative, then you should make the same degree of sacrifice for your relationship and not seek out male attention and complements.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Lance Mannion said:


> I can't help what you believe and don't believe.
> 
> Women who seek out male attention because they like how it makes them feel are continuing to follow their sexual imperative. That's pretty damn straightforward. Emotional affairs and sexting and such are just more downstream of that imperative, much like guys escalating their sexual imperative while in a marriage and buying lap dances from strippers. The man wants some form of sexual variety, the woman wants male attention. The lowest rung on that ladder is porn for men, they simply watch what others are doing, they do not participate, for women it is to go into the world and attract male attention and complements, the women feel good from engaging in that process. Both get a "tickle" of sorts on their sexual imperatives. The man is not breaking faith or vow by watching porn, the woman is also not breaking faith or vow by soliciting the attention of men other than her husband. Both though are following their sexual imperatives.
> 
> If you want your man to fully commit to you and forgo porn, to completely abandon his sexual imperative, then you should make the same degree of sacrifice for your relationship and not seek out male attention and complements.


Your reply has nothing to do with what I said.

The two things are night and day.


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## Lance Mannion (Nov 24, 2020)

Livvie said:


> Your reply has nothing to do with what I said.
> 
> The two things are night and day.


They're not night and day, they're both speaking to basic drives. You want a man to abandon his basic drive and give full commitment to the marriage, but want to reserve your basic drive and not give the same full commitment to the marriage. You like the feeling you get when men pay attention to you and compliment you and don't want to give that up. That's an imbalance in the marriage.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Lance Mannion said:


> They're not night and day, they're both speaking to basic drives. You want a man to abandon his basic drive and give full commitment to the marriage, but want to reserve your basic drive and not give the same full commitment to the marriage. You like the feeling you get when men pay attention to you and compliment you and don't want to give that up. That's an imbalance in the marriage.


Wtf stop talking to me like you're talking about me personally. I'm not even currently married, so I can do whateverthef*ckIwant. 

It's still not the same--- jerking off to watching other women--- not your wife---****, or a wife getting compliments from some random clothed man.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Lance Mannion said:


> So, my answer is this


Is it difficult being the kind of person who feels compelled to twist oneself into a pretzel, while claiming that turnips are tables?


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## Lance Mannion (Nov 24, 2020)

Livvie said:


> Wtf stop talking to me like you're talking about me personally. I'm not even currently married, so I can do whateverthef*ckIwant.
> 
> It's still not the same--- jerking off to watching other women--- not your wife---****, or a wife getting compliments from some random clothed man.


A man wanting to sweep a woman off her feet and a woman wanting a man to sweep her off her feet are also not the same thing. The man is experiencing a unique set of feelings which are different from the unique set of feelings that the woman is experiencing even though both are playing a part in that activity.

A man's instinctual path to sex takes a different route than a woman's instinctual path for sex. Being a spectator to porn is not sex, just like a woman basking in the complements men give her is also not sex, but both share common root as being rungs on their respective ladders to sex.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Lance Mannion said:


> A man wanting to sweep a woman off her feet and a woman wanting a man to sweep her off her feet are also not the same thing. The man is experiencing a unique set of feelings which are different from the unique set of feelings that the woman is experiencing even though both are playing a part in that activity.
> 
> A man's instinctual path to sex takes a different route than a woman's instinctual path for sex. Being a spectator to porn is not sex, just like a woman basking in the complements men give her is also not sex, but both share common root as being rungs on their respective ladders to sex.


If your **** is in your hand and you are having an orgasm because you are maximum sexually aroused to images of naked women (not your wife) performing sexual acts, it's a lot closer to sex than _complements from clothed men_.

I mean, really. How can you say they are even close, with a straight face?

I'm done responding to you about this (non) analogy, FYI.


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## Lance Mannion (Nov 24, 2020)

Livvie said:


> If your **** is in your hand and you are having an orgasm because you are maximum sexually aroused to images of naked women (not your wife) performing sexual acts, it's a lot closer to sex than _complements from clothed men_.
> 
> I mean, really. How can you say they are even close, with a straight face?
> 
> I'm done responding to you about this (non) analogy, FYI.


And if a man complements you or merely pays attention to you and you carry this glowing feeling with you all day, then you're moving up the female sexual imperative ladder.

Look, there's another angle to this issue - insecurity. For both men and women. Insecurity manifests from different directions.

Many times a man will get jealous of his woman's male admirers. What women generally tell the men is "Deal with it, it's your problem to control your jealousy, it's not up to me to isolate myself from my male friends." They guy has to deal with his feelings of insecurity. Well, porn makes many women feel insecure. I get it. But what I don't get is why the response to the man is thought appropriate but the same damn standard is not applied when a woman is feeling insecure in her relationship, now the man has to bend in order to make her feel secure.


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## StillGoing (Dec 9, 2020)

Mr.Married said:


> Our sex life is good and I still view porn. My wife knows I view porn and never really says much about it. It’s a nonissue with us. My wife never watches porn but has on a couple occasions asked to watch it with me.... though we never seem to have gotten around to that


My wife has said that for a while now. At first, I was hesitant. After all, the average pornsite nowadays is fairly aggressive if you've never seen anything _at all_. So the first experience I shared with here didn't go over so well. A few weeks ago though, we talked about it again. I promised to show here something sensible, something soft. Not my ordinary meal, but more suited for watching together. Something lesbian and busty, since, honestly, who's interested in the man parts anyway...

Anyway, first showing was over a week ago and a great success. Last weekend went great too. I may have to start a topic on this if it keeps going and people are interested enough (no point in hijacking this one). It's a mighty fine line to walk between pushing it too far and being too passive about it, but I finally think I'm onto something. Which is good, since sex had grown more and more troublesome over the past two years.

Oh, and we're almost 10 years married. We both changed a lot over the years, but she went from "porn is weird" to admitting she likes looking at women to "let's watch naked women together" in a few years.


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## Misticaleclipse (Dec 21, 2020)

I am a woman. I don't think you need to give up things that make you happy just because something else makes you happier.Its the same with sex and porn., Sometimes you just need some me sexy time, a quick release,or are to tired to warm them up etc. To many women take it personally against themselves, when its not about bad sex at all. AA long as its not an addiction I don't see an issue.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

I gave up porn long ago for religious reasons and couldn't be happier. My wife is an incredible lady that deserves 100% of my time and attention- if not more. My attraction for my wife actually went way up partly as a result- like a blind man my other senses became more attuned to her- her scent, taste, softness of her skin and hair. I think when on porn 95% of my attraction for things was visual- and this has changed significantly. I can get fully aroused by her scent alone.... it's like the visual part of my brain has taken a back seat. I'm often speaking against porn on here because I wish men would know what I know and could experience this. My wife is such a gorgeous person I am so glad to be devoted to her. She always makes herself pretty and I am so glad I have her to feast my eyes on and feel like here prettiness would be so wasted if I were diverting any of my attention to other women. I purposefully avert my eyes from other women at movies or at the swimming pool... it makes locking my eyes on her all the more joyful and exciting. 

Even if God himself or the church decided porn was ok I'd stay away from it- just because of the enormous benefits not using it- has provided to my marriage. When I tell my wife I love her- I can _mean_ it. I can look myself in the mirror. There ain't any fantasy or gross images getting between us. When I make love to her I'm not recreating some scene or wanting someone else- it's all a unique and creative expression of my love for her and our love for each other. I'm not a wealthy man and I haven't given my wife a perfect life by any means- but I have made this small sacrifice to be fully devoted to her and I am perhaps as proud of this as any of my life's accomplishments. I mean, maybe other guys can't say this about their wives but I can and that she is truly a beautiful person and fully deserves my devotion and love. She's sacrificed her body completely in having my children and I try and sacrifice mine by working hard, "blueballs" from time to time when she has been sick/delivered a baby, or traveling for work. Frankly, I don't think most men have the restraint and self discipline to be porn and masturbation free.... based on my reading on TAM- almost none do. I think a couple of generations back all men thought like I do that these things were wrong and beneath a married man... too bad it took Pornhub less than a generation to turn men into little porn addicted wussies that have to run off an whack it the moment the urge strikes. Men today now are also blinded to the suffering of the poor actors and victims of sex trafficking and exploitation that is such a huge part of the porn industry. I'd hope this would turn a few men away from porn. I'd think that any man with daughters could be easily disgusted with porn.... seems like it is such an accepted part of our culture men (and women) can't see it for what it is: a gross attack against the dignity of women, men, marriage, and sex!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Many women appreciate a man's hard calloused hands, never his hard phallused hands.

His hands are meant to stroke her, not made to indulge himself..


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

This may be a bit crude, but I never _really_ knew how delicious my wife's p___y tasted until I has off porn for a decade. This discovery alone was worth giving up porn.

I think it took a decade before the sexual/visual synapses of the brain got replaced with sexual/taste ones. Don’t believe me- conduct your own experiment. Oh I forgot, you’re too porn addicted and weak.


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## LonelyHiker (Dec 15, 2020)

As a former sex/pornography addict, I have been very well versed in the downfalls of pornography. Not everyone falls into the "addict" category in regards to pornograpy, but multiple studies have shown the ill effects of watching it. I believe this has a bigger impact on the younger generations since they are getting exposed at a younger age and the ability to access it has increased dramatically with soo many kids having smart phones. These kids are growing up with a twisted sense of what a sexual relationship should be. Its affecting both the males and females since girls are viewing it as well and think this is how they are supposed to act.

Men in general are more visual, watching porn locks these images into the male brain (it becomes a rolodex of pictures/images/videos). For the addict (and I would even say the routine watcher who takes care of himself while watching).. this creates neural pathways in the brain... ruts if you will. Every time you watch it and release yourself, you fill these pathways with endorphins.. but over time... the pathways become de-sensitized to the endorphins causing the need for a more intense event or more a case where you need it more often.

Its the same with alcoholics... it always gets worse over time.

I am over 5 years free of it and will never go back to it.. it now makes me sick to my stomach.

I can say that I have enjoyed sex with my STBXW more since giving up porn that I ever had while watching it. Like a previous poster said, you become more in-tune with the sensations surrounding sex and you are more in the moment. It is also more gratifying..

The mental rolodex is now gone and if I need to relieve myself, I now just re-live the moments I've had with her.

I would say we had very good sex so I never needed another stimulus, just not enough sex for my liking.

From a different standpoint... if a wife has an issue with her husband watching porn, it would seem that he should be sensitive to that issue. Trust me fellas, it doesn't fall off if you don't use it


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