# my wife left sunday and i dont know what to do



## carpio (Nov 1, 2011)

my wife left me sunday she took the kids and now is staying with her brother 60 miles away. she says she left cuz she doesnt think i am about her that i am a selfish person and i personally feel that everything i do is for her and the kids i want my family back i just dont know how to do it i asked her and she says she isnt happy anymore that i she hasnt been happy for awhile now and that really stresses her out to the point where she becomes phyisically ill


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

If you are committed to saving the marriage, then you need to implement a plan. And it sounds like that plan starts with you going to individual counseling first, and then you both attend marriage counseling. Tell her this plan, and see if she is willing to give the plan a chance.


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## carpio (Nov 1, 2011)

i suggested it to her and she said i do need to go to a counselor and she kinda shrugged off the idea of going together she said we can talk about that later


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## hurtingsobad (Oct 29, 2011)

Don't do the guy approach....If it's broke, show me were, and I will buy the part and fix it. Women are complex, emotional beings. Us guys are analytical, impatient beings. Think what SHE would like, not what you want! And take it S L O W!


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## carpio (Nov 1, 2011)

and that is excatly what i did the day she left. did the whole guy approach and yes of course blew right up in my face. i did talk to her this morning and my son went into the room where she was i asked to talk to him and she said no prob she asked him if he wanted to talk to me and he said no. that hurt me really bad i mean really bad. u know i thought my son and i were really tight he is only 5 and i dont know what goes thru a 5 y/o head. what i do know is this really sucks. what am i going to do i dont get to see him til sat.


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## carpio (Nov 1, 2011)

talked to my son just a few mins ago and he sounded really happy i am just guessing earlier today he didnt want to talk cuz he just got up and he deff isnt a morning person felt really nice to hear his voice. he told me he loved me and couldnt wait to see me. man that felt really good.


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## carpio (Nov 1, 2011)

my wife is coming down here to pick up some stuff really nervous about seeing her she isn't bringing any of the kids with her so i guess i can get some 1 on 1 time even if it is just helping put stuff in the car. i dont know what to do. what should i say to her if anything i mean i really want this to work out between us. i am really freaking out right now


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## lpsscc (Oct 31, 2011)

What I would do? 

1. As suggested go to individual counseling. DO NOT tell her you are doing it. Do it for you. Find out if you truly are jacked up from a professional perspective and fix yourself if you need to.

2. Read the 5 love languages.

3. Go No Contact except for finance and children subjects. Do dont tell her you are going No Contact and write some tacky goodbye email or whatever. Just give her space and time to miss you. Do this now.

4. Read No more Mister Nice guy... If you feel you were doing everything to make her "happy" you are probably too nice and didn't do the things you needed to do for yourself which made her 1) loose respect for you and 2) feel you are always going to be there for her so she can put you on a shelf - which is bull!

If I would have done this stuff right away instead of pursuing my wife for 4 months I would have been in much better shape than I am in today. Basically it finally took me doing an 180 (look it up) to get her attention.


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## carpio (Nov 1, 2011)

i am all for going to counseling for myself that is not a problem but the way i see it if i go no contact isnt that giving her what she wants. and if i do that will she take it as a sign of moving on, on my part that is one signal i dont want to make.


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## lpsscc (Oct 31, 2011)

carpio said:


> i am all for going to counseling for myself that is not a problem but the way i see it if i go no contact isn’t that giving her what she wants. and if i do that will she take it as a sign of moving on, on my part that is one signal i don’t want to make.


That is one way of thinking about it sure, and yes, it’s a risk but you are missing her point - she WANTS what she wants - give it to her. She believes that she has tried with you over and over and she is done trying. In her anger or displeasure she has not yet identified all the things you really did for her - your worth. To keep doing for her and begging for her to reconsider, and supporting her emotionally she gets to cake eat. She gets the unappreciated things you did do for her for free and gets her space and freedom at the same time (cat eating). This can last for months and months trust me.

So... if you silently go no contact and tell her you're giving her space and that you RESPECT her decision you will give her time to miss the little things you did. If you show her that you have your own power and that you are fine on your own it will get her thinking...

No contact does not have to be "mean". It just means you stop hassling her altogether. When she calls or sees you be nice, smile, and listen to what she has to say. Do not try to fix her "problem". Her problem is not in her thinking... it's with you. Work on you. An improved, confident, and strong you combined with you acting like you can go either way but prefer to stay married will attract her back to you if anything will.

Just my opinion ya know.


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## carpio (Nov 1, 2011)

thank u for clearing that up. still pretty nervous about seeing her in about 15 mins or so i will keep my compusure like u suggested. it will be hard thats for sure but i think i can do it


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## lht285 (Aug 25, 2011)

If you spend a lot of time here reading what other people are going through you will see that many of them start by trying to beg plead and generally act like a wuss. Women don't like wusses. They like men. So, be polite, be distant, and don't initiate affection. You need to focus on yourself. Read the 180 stuff. Even though at this moment all this stuff seems counter-intuitive, it is because you are going down the same path you have always walked. This path is the path that led you TO THE SPOT YOU ARE IN(a very bad place). Even though all this stuff "feels" wrong to you, you need to follow it. Even if you don't get your wife back, it will help you as a man and as a person to become a better person. Your wife is walking all over you right now, by being a forthright MAN she will notice and it will make her think about what she is doing. It may not solve anything and she may already be gone in her head, so work on yourself.


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## lpsscc (Oct 31, 2011)

carpio said:


> thank u for clearing that up. still pretty nervous about seeing her in about 15 mins or so i will keep my compusure like u suggested. it will be hard thats for sure but i think i can do it


You can do it. Remember how you acted while you were dating? Being nice but not expecting anything... do that. It will be very, very hard but it's what you have to do to attract her again. Be the old confident you not the married you.

Just a warning... this will take awhile...


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## carpio (Nov 1, 2011)

thanks guys not what i wanted to hear. i wanted the secret formula to doing it but i see what u guys are saying and i will do it the right way thanks for ur words of wisdom.


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## lpsscc (Oct 31, 2011)

carpio said:


> thanks guys not what i wanted to hear. i wanted the secret formula to doing it but i see what u guys are saying and i will do it the right way thanks for ur words of wisdom.


It took my stupid ass 6 months to figure this out. God bless this forum...


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## carpio (Nov 1, 2011)

that's what i am saying i would be a complete and total mess right now if it wasnt for this thing


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## carpio (Nov 1, 2011)

well i did it she came picked up her stuff i smiled and helped her move some things she needed into the truck opened her door for her and said i will see u friday when i pick up the kids man that was hard but i got to go to work now talk to u guys later


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