# Devastated, and at a complete loss.



## PeaceSeeking (Aug 7, 2011)

My husband and I have had many issues that I've posted about in the past, but by far the worst is his emotional affair with his high school girlfriend. First of all, he denies he's in an emotional affair. He says they're "just friends", but over the years the relationship has proven to be much more than that. In the first year of our marriage, I discovered a sexually explicit email he wrote to her, describing in great detail all the acts he wanted to perform with her. When I confronted him about it, he claimed that it was just a joke, and that everyone from his hometown has the same "racy" sense of humor. I explained that I wasn't comfortable with it, and he said it would stop. Everything seemed fairly good for several years, then in the seventh year of our marriage, his behavior seemed _off_ somehow. I noticed a flash drive in a cup holder in his car, and when I opened the file, I found a topless photo of his high school girlfriend. We went to counseling over that, and things improved, or so I thought. About 2 months before our tenth anniversary, I started to get that funny feeling again. I downloaded a text messaging monitoring app to his cell phone, and discovered that he is texting her daily. He's still saying sexually explicit things, and asking for more nude photos. Back when I found the picture three years ago, he told me they weren't having any physical contact whatsoever, just email. The texts I'm seeing now have referenced times they have gone places together, and hint at sexual contact. I am devastated, and I don't know what to do. He has no idea that I know about the text messages, and I just don't know how to deal with this again. I think it may be time to leave the marriage, but I have nowhere to go. We are ten years into a thirty year mortgage, I work full time, but there's no way I could afford our house on my own. I am an only child, and my parents are deceased. I have no close family, and my friends are pretty much in the same financial straits. We've had a lot of monetary setbacks, and my credit is not good. I don't know that I could get an apartment on my own. Our ten year anniversary was four days ago, and I've been keeping up the pretense that nothing is wrong, but it's getting harder and harder to cope. I plan to print out the texts and confront him, but what could the outcome be, other than us splitting up? I don't see how we could ever reconcile. What reason would I have to ever believe anything he says? But if we split up, where do I go?


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

You are stronger then you ever imagined. And no one will ever care about you the way you NEED to care about yourself.

Do you have children?

You can do this. You can live on ramen noodles and with roommates again. You can live in your car. I did. You can rebuild your life. Every day is a wasted day. No zero days. No more zero days. Haven't we had enough zero days? Had enough of this? We deserve better and better is out there if you fight for it. You need to fight for it.

And your fight is for you not for him. You fight for you.

It's not easy. If it was worth it would it be easy? Holy **** you have put up with a lot. How many nights have you spent thinking about the reality of your situation? Don't live in a fog. You can go further. Reality will destroy you but you will rise from those ashes and you will amaze yourself.

It's not the title that makes you. Wife and mother. It's the character that defines you. When you are laying on your death bed what will make you who you are? You're character and the decisions, the hard decisions, harder then anyone imagines that you made and only you know. How do you know your on the right path? Because it's hard and you have to work every day, every second of every day, it's constant. You have to do the best you can every moment and every single time.

It's time for you to be your best and jump. Jump because you know that you will survive. You will survive because you are stronger then anyone knows and you will never give up.




And you'll get up. Again and again. It's a hard path but there are men out there who would never treat you that way. Hurt you that way. Just get up. Get up and know that you are going to be knocked down again. This is your end but it is really your beginning. Have faith. Get angry. Get angry right now.

Then calm down. Because your whole life is ahead of you and you will make it. You are more than just a woman. You are something else entirely.

I believe in you.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

It seems that you have accepted and understood the man you are with for what he is. His excuses for his behavior based on how things were from where he came from is a clear indication the past delegates his present actions, let alone the effects they have on the future with you. 

His continual contact with his ex and the manner they communicate in as you know it does hurts you. You mentioned that you went to counseling over some photos he was given by his ex, an effort no doubt made by yourself to address and fix the situation. But how many times do you need a third party to tell your husband what he is doing is wrong and hurtful to others.

Yes, he is in a EA and with the photo's and text and whatever else the walls of unfamiliarity are down and you can and eventually will in not already will find yourself the victim of a physical affair by your husband. Beat him to the finish line, remove yourself from the environment and detach from him completely. You got the evidence so your already ahead of the game, now adhere the consequences to him and don't look back, let your husband do that seeing as that's all he has done your entire marriage.


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## Meli33 (Oct 16, 2014)

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Gather all the evidence you have collected over the years, consult an attorney and present it to him with divorce papers etc. He will not change as he has been doing this on and off through the years. You deserve so much better then this.


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## PeaceSeeking (Aug 7, 2011)

@Rustytheboyrobot, we don't have children, it's just the two of us. I guess that should make this easier, but I feel like I've had so much loss in my life, and I'm not ready to leave the home where I thought I'd spend the rest of my years. My mother passed away five years ago, and shortly after her death, my stepdad walked away from my childhood home with no notice or warning. He just couldn't cope with life without my mom. He literally walked out and left the front door wide open. The house was vandalized and ransacked. I lost a lot of precious mementos. The city took over the house, and wouldn't let me near it. After sitting empty for years with no upkeep, it's now slated to be demolished. I know I want a different life than the one I've been living, but I feel like I need the emotional security of my own home right now.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

PeaceSeeking said:


> @Rustytheboyrobot, we don't have children, it's just the two of us. I guess that should make this easier, but I feel like I've had so much loss in my life, and I'm not ready to leave the home where I thought I'd spend the rest of my years. My mother passed away five years ago, and shortly after her death, my stepdad walked away from my childhood home with no notice or warning. He just couldn't cope with life without my mom. He literally walked out and left the front door wide open. The house was vandalized and ransacked. I lost a lot of precious mementos. The city took over the house, and wouldn't let me near it. After sitting empty for years with no upkeep, it's now slated to be demolished. I know I want a different life than the one I've been living, but I feel like I need the emotional security of my own home right now.


 If this is your wish then you will have to succumb to the price of this emotional foundation. The fee is living with a man who has treated you second, with disrespect and no regard to your open feelings, Are you ready to pay the price of this residence? Notice I did not call it a home since the experiences and feelings inside the dwelling are also what makes a house a home. 

The choice is your's, we all hope you can make the one best for you, the choice FOR you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Gather the money for an attorney. Find out your rights. File for divorce. Place an ad for a couple of female roommates. Once you get them set, tell your husband to move out.


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

Home is where the heart is. Personally my self-respect and dignity were worth more than my old house. I miss it though. That and the chance to make a real life.

How's your friend situation? Do you have people you can chat with every day?


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## PeaceSeeking (Aug 7, 2011)

I do have good friends, with whom I've already discussed this issue. Some of them are in transitional or temporary housing situations, but they're not financially able to be roommates.


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## rustytheboyrobot (Nov 20, 2013)

Is the house in your name, his name, or both your names? What about the mortgage?

It sounds like you will have to burn it all to the ground so you can rise up from the darkness.

Are you working? You can find yourself some roommates in an apartment and sell the house.

None of this is easy. It's not supposed to be easy. I mean you already know your husband isn't going to change. He's told you he will over and over and then shown you reality. Does he know how serious you are? You have to be that serious.

File for divorce. Not because this will shock him into changing. Maybe it will but probably it won't. Do it so you can start moving on with your life. You can move into an apartment with some roommates and make new friends. Meet new people.

Hell you could move. You could up and move _anywhere._


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

PeaceSeeking said:


> My husband and I have had many issues that I've posted about in the past, but by far the worst is his emotional affair with his high school girlfriend. First of all, he denies he's in an emotional affair. He says they're "just friends", but over the years the relationship has proven to be much more than that. In the first year of our marriage, I discovered a sexually explicit email he wrote to her, describing in great detail all the acts he wanted to perform with her. When I confronted him about it, he claimed that it was just a joke, and that everyone from his hometown has the same "racy" sense of humor. I explained that I wasn't comfortable with it, and he said it would stop. Everything seemed fairly good for several years, then in the seventh year of our marriage, his behavior seemed _off_ somehow. I noticed a flash drive in a cup holder in his car, and when I opened the file, I found a topless photo of his high school girlfriend. We went to counseling over that, and things improved, or so I thought. About 2 months before our tenth anniversary, I started to get that funny feeling again. I downloaded a text messaging monitoring app to his cell phone, and discovered that he is texting her daily. He's still saying sexually explicit things, and asking for more nude photos. Back when I found the picture three years ago, he told me they weren't having any physical contact whatsoever, just email. The texts I'm seeing now have referenced times they have gone places together, and hint at sexual contact. I am devastated, and I don't know what to do. He has no idea that I know about the text messages, and I just don't know how to deal with this again. I think it may be time to leave the marriage, but I have nowhere to go. We are ten years into a thirty year mortgage, I work full time, but there's no way I could afford our house on my own. I am an only child, and my parents are deceased. I have no close family, and my friends are pretty much in the same financial straits. We've had a lot of monetary setbacks, and my credit is not good. I don't know that I could get an apartment on my own. Our ten year anniversary was four days ago, and I've been keeping up the pretense that nothing is wrong, but it's getting harder and harder to cope. I plan to print out the texts and confront him, but what could the outcome be, other than us splitting up? I don't see how we could ever reconcile. What reason would I have to ever believe anything he says? But if we split up, where do I go?


First, he doesn't love you and continues to prove it to you loudly.

Second, where do you go? 1) A good attorney. 2) Anywhere. Why? because it's a lot better than where you are.

Third, expose him fully. He needs to be held accountable. NOBODY will buy his idiot excuses he has fed to you.

Fourth, you deserve so much better. Go and find it. Stop being wishy-washy. Just do it. Stand up for yourself and decency.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

PeaceSeeking said:


> I do have good friends, with whom I've already discussed this issue. Some of them are in transitional or temporary housing situations, but they're not financially able to be roommates.


In today's day and age, you can get roommates by the poundful.


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

The old "just friends" mantra....

I think everyone here's saying the same thing, Peace.

Keep your self esteem and your dignity - and boot his azz out just as soon as possible!!!

You will hurt, but you're already hurting. You will feel betrayed, lied to, abandoned and in general horrible, but again, you already feel those things.

Difference is that you *will *get over it. If you stay in it - you won't.


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

PeaceSeeking said:


> @Rustytheboyrobot, we don't have children, it's just the two of us. I guess that should make this easier, but I feel like I've had so much loss in my life, and I'm not ready to leave the home where I thought I'd spend the rest of my years. My mother passed away five years ago, and shortly after her death, my stepdad walked away from my childhood home with no notice or warning. He just couldn't cope with life without my mom. He literally walked out and left the front door wide open. The house was vandalized and ransacked. I lost a lot of precious mementos. The city took over the house, and wouldn't let me near it. After sitting empty for years with no upkeep, it's now slated to be demolished. I know I want a different life than the one I've been living, *but I feel like I need the emotional security of my own home right now*.


Life was meant to be a wonderful experience - NOT trading happiness for "emotional security"...


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

sounds like you have had a pretty tough life, and you are in a tough spot. In this case, i would say you are highly incentivized to make the marriage work. Maybe you can ignore the texting and nude pix (yeah i know, he is a douche bag) and give him lots of sex and pretend like the marriage is great. Try to do more stuff with him, romantic stuff, develop hobbies together, work out at the gym, etc. Maybe he will rebond with you, and stop all this other foolishness. good luck.

since you are so fearful of being alone and divorcing him, i would NOT recommend the famous "180".


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## SomethingsUp (Sep 30, 2014)

Oh PeaceSeeking, your story made me cry, it reminds so much of mine. Re-read what RTBR posted to you, It moved me so much I printed it off for myself. 

Your H reminds me so much like mine does, I am taking steps now to move on, doing the 180. I have things started with a lawyer, I'm running twice a day now, morning and evening to help me with how depressed I've been feeling with all that's happening.

You deserve to be happy, we only have a short time in this life and to stay with a person who his literally breaking your heart into pieces is just not worth it. 

I'm scared to death right now in this pursuit to change my life but deep inside, I know I have to. That zero day that RTBR explained really hit home with me. Take care and do something for YOU!


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## Imstrong123 (May 18, 2013)

Im so sorry for the situation you are in! First, I would go to a friend's house for a few days..you need space and time away from this torture to think your next move. Don't answer his calls, please, don't, this is for you. I have been married for 27 years when I found out my H had a double life...it was the most devastating think I ever lived through...even my father's dead when I was 18..I had no career, three young kids, lived far away from family....and i stayed and he has work very hard to earn my trust, and he tries every day to be the best husband ever...but the pain doesn't go away....i can only tell you, if it's been 10 years or marriage and you have NO kids, I would divorce him. Life is too short, too precious, and reconciliation too damn hard. He has obviously been lying to you, and in my experience cheaters NEED to lie to someone, hide from someone, you have been, like all of us cheated on....an unwitting part of his fantasy...and is not fair. If I were you, I'd leave, I'd start over, again life is too short and he is not worth it. Good luck!


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