# Married for 13 years, and hating it



## prague (Jun 30, 2014)

Long story. We met, fifteen years ago, and it was electric. She is beautiful, graceful, intelligent... amazing really. I am not much of a looker, and was astounded that she could want to be with me, but she did.
It was brilliant to begin with, for the first year or so. Then the rot set in. I smoke, every now and then. She doesn't like that. I forget to cut my hair, and it ends up a little messy. She doesn't like that. I am forgetful. She doesn't like that. One night, about two years into our relationship, we were going out, and I pit on some tennis shoes-Adidas pumps. With jeans. Shout? What are you wearing? Why? They don't go. Wear something else. When I shouted back, the **** hit the fan, and I ended up never wearing the shoes again, and apologising to her. (I know. Mistake.) The same pattern has been repeated over and over and over. And over. And yet I am still insanely glad she is with me as she is well out of my league.
Two kids. A mortgage. And now I lose my job. Now she has to work (and up to now I have supported us both) and I am home, doing what I can to keep the house (not clean enough, embarrassing, you never do things the way I want you to do them, you don't show me you care) and the arguments rage on, day after day.
I do shout back, then I give in. I know her problem-perfectionism, and I don't shape up. But now I don't really care.
Today, I told her I have a job interview tomorrow. She says, at 6 in the evening, over dinner (cooked by me) "are you having a haircut?" and ends with a disdainful look. I say, "don't start, I look fine, leave it". She sulks for the rest of the meal as I interact with the kids, and have fun with them. I tidy up, she sits on sofa with kids, and asks them for hugs and kisses. I sit down with them, and the kids jump me, laughing, tickling, etc. I am a monster, they need to get me etc. She says "do you have to be so loud?" as she sits on the chair, with her legs under her. I say" yes, we're having fun. You don't have to tell me to be quiet like a naughty boy". She sulks, and I take the kids to bed.
When I get downstairs, she is crying. I ask, "what is the matter?" she says, " you don't care about my feelings. I am embarrassed when you are loud with the kids, and I think you look professional with a hair cut" I smile. She cries. She shouts, she goes to bed. I type.
I think it's over. I've had enough. Help.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Get a haircut before your job interview.

It's too long, it looks unkempt and messy and now it's getting rather greasy because you don't wash it often enough, I'm guessing 2-3x per week.

Don't ask me how I know, I just do.


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## prague (Jun 30, 2014)

That's where yr wrong. Lovely bouncy curls, washed every day.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

It sounds to me like she is frustrated. Maybe she thought you were going to change and you didn't as much as she hoped (a classic dynamic). At the same time, you do display some attitudes that sound a little immature to me. Of course you should get a haircut before a job interview -- not because your wife says so, but because you want to get the job. I wonder if you are recognizing where some of your wife's concerns are coming from -- you seem to be looking at it from the perspective of a child with a mom rather than a husband with a wife. You have to find a way to separate "she wants me to do this" from "what is the best thing to do." Right now I think any time she wants you to do something, you instinctively don't want to do it.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Not saying that's all there is to it. You have 13 years of marriage behind you -- that's a lot of baggage and history and complication. But you say things got bad right after the first year. However you also recently lost your job, so you are both experiencing greater than normal stress, which can magnify the badness.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

you remember a fight over sneakers you wore 12 years ago??? I think you might have some issues also.

Have her help you dress to get ready for the interview. It might actually have a positive effect, both on her AND on you getting the job.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Read MMSLP
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

prague said:


> Adidas pumps


Pumps are women's shoes. 

Adidas makes a line of pumps for women.



prague said:


> That's where yr wrong. Lovely bouncy curls, washed every day.




Are you a woman?


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

You are not speaking her love language. Find out what it is and do it.

If she is so out of your league and you think she is beautiful, why don't you try step up your game?


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Pumps are women's shoes.
> 
> Adidas makes a line of pumps for women.


Different kind of pumps. I think these are the basketball type shoes with a "pump" in the tongue that adds air somehow, somewhere. Called "Kicks"? I'm too old to really know.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SDTZ7iX4vTQ&feature=kp


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

For the original poster, you've got a bad uphill battle. She obviously is focused on herself, and strong willed. This has only been reinforced throughout the marriage. She's likely lost the ability to consider how you feel at all. Worst of all, you'll never be able to get her to see this.

You may have to force her hand, and try to get into counseling with her. Someone else will have to sort this out and get you two to communicate in a healthy way.

If you are able to get her to give any ground, consistency will be all-important. Ever read any books on dog training? Consistency.



Also, you're about to have the term "beta" flung at you like flypaper canon balls.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

OP, she has always been highly opinionated and controlling, and she probably realizes that she's more attractive than you, yet you may have the far better personality. You got her because she's flawed, and it shows in her personality.

I'd say there is no hope for the relationship unless a) you change to be more assertive and refuse to take her crap, and b) she is willing to change her b1tchy controlling perfectionist attitude (therapy may help, but no matter what, it's going to be difficult or impossible for her to change even if she wants to).


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

:iagree:


Married but Happy said:


> OP, she has always been highly opinionated and controlling, and she probably realizes that she's more attractive than you, yet you may have the far better personality. You got her because she's flawed, and it shows in her personality.
> 
> I'd say there is no hope for the relationship unless a) you change to be more assertive and refuse to take her crap, and b) she is willing to change her b1tchy controlling perfectionist attitude (therapy may help, but no matter what, it's going to be difficult or impossible for her to change even if she wants to).


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

> and the arguments rage on, day after day.


This.
Right here.

You are stuck in a pattern of programmed responses to each other. The only way to break the cycle is to CHANGE your responses.
Instead of letting her cry, why didnt you go comfort her? Instead of yelling back, just say "Wow. You seem pretty vested in this."

The fact that you still yell at each other means there is hope but things are getting stretched tight.

YOU need to change things from your side. She will most likely follow suit but it will take some time and a bit of discipline. Im not saying knuckle under, Im saying change the way you do things.

Listen to here about the hair cut. It might SOUND like she is being controlling, but it may also be a misguided attempt to keep you looking good "in her way of thinking".

...and the next time you are horsing around with the kids...invite her to play to...I get the feeling there may be an exclusion dynamic going on here.

I wish you nothing but change for the better.
I hope your job interview goes well too.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Crush the bs as soon as it starts.

When she starts on about how you look pick her looks apart completely. Go over the top. Hit her wear it hurts. Maybe mention that she's gaining too much weight.

Will this work, probably not but you need to get in the fight. You're getting killed out there!


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

She sounds bored and disappointed in you. Also sounds like she is giving you the cheat sheet on how to attract her. You can keep on ignoring it but I'd consider listening to her words more. 

Her delivery makes it sound like your mom, which isn't OK, but are you acting like you need a mom sometimes? Maybe she'd like to appreciate some of your more attractive qualities, but you sound a bit like you are purposely denying something she'd like because it's too much effort for you. She might start liking sweatpants soon if not already.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

prague said:


> That's where yr wrong. Lovely bouncy curls, washed every day.


Well, if what you say is true then just own the job interview and get the job? 

Seems like life's stresses have weighed on you guys a bit. Hopefully you getting back in the work force will start to right the ship.

Good luck!!


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## KalmAndKollected (Sep 26, 2012)

Good luck with that. The shoe story told me the whole story in one sentence. If you hate it at 13 years, you will despise it at 20.


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## Little Lion (Jun 30, 2014)

You guys are stressed because of income loss. When you find a new job that should help a bit. I would get some Marriage Therapy in the mean time.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Some of the advice being given in this thread doesn't look like it's intended to be serious. If you think it's a troll leave it alone, don't give bad advice. You never know how many other people may read it and think you were serious.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I don't think he's trolling. But I do think he has a bad case of doormat-itis.


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## Singleton (May 30, 2013)

Guys do not have "lovely" curls!

Get a haircut, get some nice clothes and get a job. Then come here and post again.


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