# Is Snooping Ever "OK"?



## MaBi123 (Nov 28, 2013)

Is it ever ok to snoop through your spouse/significant other's belongings (computer, cell phone, etc) if you have a reason to suspect cheating?

I'm engaged, but my fiance has been acting really strange lately. He's a very private person, and has made me promise numerous times not to go through his computer.

Lately he's been doing weird things like the following:
- Taking late night phone calls (that he says are for work) outside or in the car
- Told me he's talking to another woman who is "better" than me while in a fight, then later saying it wasn't true. He always says outrageous things in fights or when he's angry. His whole family and all his friends usually roll their eyes when he's angry and told me never to believe anything he says.


Last week, I found a piece of paper with "Hi Sarah " written on it in my fiance's handwriting. I confronted him about it immediately, and he said it wasn't his but that his dad had written it. I said "are you sure?" because I know his handwriting and he said yes. I didn't believe it.

Later that night, I noticed he left his computer open while he was sleeping. Normally it has like 3 passwords on it (he's a computer tech). I know I promised never to look through it, but I couldn't resist. On the computer I found tons of selfies of him, which is weird because he hates taking pictures and he doesn't have Facebook. 

In one of these selfies, he was holding the paper that he said wasn't his.

I woke him up immediately and confronted him. I might have had an "edge" in my voice, but I used the words "please" and didn't yell. I didn't think it was fair to wake him up screaming or something.

Instead of answering my questions, he just started yelling at me and called me a snake and a b*tch for sneaking around through his computer. He says I am untrustworthy because I broke a promise. Then, in his rage, he took a knife to my favorite purse.

When he calmed down later, he said "sarah" is a family member. I have never heard of anyone in his family named Sarah. He just responds that he wants to keep it private and I need to stop being nosy. 

I still don't have any info on this Sarah other than she is a "family member" and he said that he already told his parents and other family members not to answer questions about her, so I can't ask them.

He keeps saying he can't trust me now that I broke a promise, and that he won't be telling me who "sarah" is because I can't be trusted. 

So was it wrong to break the promise and look at his computer? Did I have a valid reason? Or should I feel really bad about it?


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

In your case your gut is telling you he is up to no good. Snoop...if you find nothing....stop and move on. If you find something you then have your answer.


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Has he always been this way? I mean being 'emotional' about stuff like this.

To me, it seems like lots of red flags going up

If its on the up and up (which does not seem like it) the family should be able to talk about "Sarah".

And the 'snooping' thing is never wrong if you are looking to save/repair your marriage - my opinion anyway.

There should be no need for privacy in marriage (except the bathroom as they say - and not for taking 'personal calls' in there)

Good luck with your situation.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

He took a knife to your favorite purse? That comes fairly close...and he was enraged. I'd do more than snoop. I'd leave. He's not marriage material at all. Regardless of your motives behind snooping. Sweetie, it's always okay to do thorough background checks on men you are going to marry, and investigate everything else you might need to know about them, as long as you do it legally. Why would you even need to ask?

p.s. He needs to pay for the purse.


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## MaBi123 (Nov 28, 2013)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> p.s. He needs to pay for the purse.


He says I deserve that and worse for snooping after promising not to. He has offered to take the purse to a seamstress and have it repaired. It may sound silly, but it's special to me and cannot be replaced so he can't just buy another.

I doubt he will take it to the seamstress though. He never gets around to doing stuff like he says he will, or it takes months.

I told him that if Sarah really is family and there is something awful going on in her life, I don't need to know. I just need to know who she is and what his relationship to her is. Still waiting to hear back. I'm not marrying him until I know who she is and I get proof.


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## MaBi123 (Nov 28, 2013)

Noble1 said:


> Has he always been this way? I mean being 'emotional' about stuff like this.


He's always been a really private person. There have been a few other instances like this where he was telling the truth, so it's possible he's not cheating. He was way overly private about his mother (not wanting to talk about her and being really vague), then I met her and she's total normal and nothing to hide. 


Getting information about exes and his life before we met has been like pulling teeth. But he has never outright lied before. 

I asked him if maybe Sarah was his daughter or something, but he said she wasn't. 

I don't know whether he's cheating or just hiding some major family secret, but either way I'm very hurt.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

He seems to have significant anger management issues as well. Has that turned up before? Did you feel physically threatened by him taking a knife to your purse?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

Maybe it's just me, and perhaps I have a term like "domestic violence" defined too narrowly, but I'm extremely troubled by what OP said about him slashing up her purse with a knife.

To me, when a person punches the wall, tears apart doors, room, etc, close to the person they're arguing with, it's a form of terrorism; a threat of violence. "This is what I want to do to you!"

Fine, he didn't like being snooped on. Who does? Perhaps in the future, he won't lie, attempt subterfuge, and engage in extremely suspicious behaviour. He's the person with something to answer for, not OP.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I won't even read the comments of my TAM brethren until later. But with that being said, if a potential wayward spouse has set off an inherent possibility of "probable cause," then most everything under the universe itself governing love and war, warrants snooping.

All greatly under under the guise of the the intended BS attempting to preserve his or her emotional investment in the other spouse!

That's essentially a "no-brainer!"*


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## MaBi123 (Nov 28, 2013)

arbitrator said:


> *I won't even read the comments of my TAM brethren until later. But with that being said, if a potential wayward spouse has set off ai inherent possibility of "probable cause," then most everything under the universe itself governing love and war, warrants snooping.
> 
> All greatly under under the guise of the the intended BS attempting to preserve his or her emotional investment in the other spouse!
> 
> That's essentially a "no-brainer!"*


That's what I thought too.

He claimed his little lie about the paper wasn't a lie but a joke. He said, "I thought you knew I was joking that it wasn't mine."

No, I didn't know it was a joke. I asked a question, got a dishonest answer. That sounds like a lie to me.

The funniest thing is that he gets on everyone's case, including mine, for lying. If I tell even one lie he will scream and yell till the cows come home. But it's ok for him to lie I guess.


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## MaBi123 (Nov 28, 2013)

Another thing that I hate: When he gets angry, he will say horrible things, then later say "I didn't mean it, I was just angry." You have no idea how many times I have been told I was fat or stupid or "just a dumb b*tch."

I get it, I've said things I didn't mean when I was angry. I think we all have. But it seems like he does it on a weekly basis.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

MaBi123 said:


> He claimed his little lie about the paper wasn't a lie but a joke. He said, "I thought you knew I was joking that it wasn't mine."
> 
> No, I didn't know it was a joke. I asked a question, got a dishonest answer. That sounds like a lie to me.


Are all his jokes this poor? His excuses are feeble.

Frankly the purse slashing (something he knew meant a lot to you?) shouldn't be taken lightly at all.


> He says I deserve that and worse for snooping after promising not to.


That's even more worrying.

Ultimately his rage over the "sarah pic" was to throw you off the scent and make sure that through the purse knifing you'd get the message that he should always be allowed secrets. NOT MARRIAGE MATERIAL.

How long have you known him?


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## MaBi123 (Nov 28, 2013)

azteca1986 said:


> Are all his jokes this poor?
> 
> How long have you known him?


A little over four years.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I think your promise no longer applies.
He's not worthy of promises.
It seems he got your promise and then behaved as he liked, knowing full well if you "snooped" (i.e. looked out for yourself before marrying this guy) he could accuse you of breaking a promise. 
Before anyone else, you have a promise to keep to yourself.

If he can't be counted on to repair the purse, then I think you know where this is leading to...

You did well, snooping. Not only did you find out that he's hiding something as well as lying, you found out that he's quick to grab a weapon and quick to use it on something that has a big sentimental value to you. That's a threat. You should take it seriously or you could very well be next.

When I was a teen my boyfriend's sister had her face slashed by a boyfriend. She was a model. 

If I were you I'd move out right away. There's no way I'd be able to sleep or let my guard down with a guy like that around.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

_Is it ever ok to snoop through your spouse/significant other's belongings (computer, cell phone, etc) if you have a reason to suspect cheating?_

It is *always* OK to snoop if you suspect cheating. One of the cheater's most potent weapons is the "invasion of privacy" and "controlling" accusation.


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## MaBi123 (Nov 28, 2013)

I guess my question is: Would you all have looked through the computer if the above had happened to you? 

He said what I should have done was wait a few days and ask again nicely and "without drama." And then he would have told me. Now he says, I will never know who she is.

When I asked I said, "hey, what's this? Is it yours?" in a normal tone of voice. When he said no I said, "Isn't this your handwriting?" "No, that's my dad's" he said.

Then I dropped it because we were going to watch a movie.

I don't know how I could have been "less dramatic."


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

MaBi123 said:


> A little over four years.


Is his behaviour getting better or getting worse?


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## MaBi123 (Nov 28, 2013)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> If he can't be counted on to repair the purse, then I think you know where this is leading to...


The entire back of the purse is completely slashed up to the zipper, so I don't even think a seamstress could repair it. All of the inner pockets are slashed through too.

It was a Prada purse I bought at a thrift store. I was so proud of myself for that amazing find, that's why it meant a lot to me.

He goes, "get over it, you paid $3 for it." It's not like I can just walk back into the thrift store and pay $3 for another one though.

I know it's silly. It's not like my dying mother gave me the purse or something. But it was still my favorite and something I cherished.


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

MaBi123 said:


> I guess my question is: Would you all have looked through the computer if the above had happened to you?


Without hesitation I would have looked. As others have said, if he feels the need to hide things from you, then he is up to no good.

DO NOT marry this man. He is lying and threatening you. Why on earth would you want to subject yourself to a life time of being treated that way? Walk away while you can.


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## MaBi123 (Nov 28, 2013)

azteca1986 said:


> Is his behaviour getting better or getting worse?


It's actually getting better. He used to blow up more often and worse. He's been controlling himself much better in the past year or so.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

MaBi123 said:


> The entire back of the purse is completely slashed up to the zipper, so I don't even think a seamstress could repair it. All of the inner pockets are slashed through too.
> 
> It was a Prada purse I bought at a thrift store. I was so proud of myself for that amazing find, that's why it meant a lot to me.
> 
> ...


It's probably a counterfeit. Unfortunately, like your guy. For $3 I think you've still got a good deal on that purse. It has served you well and been your friend.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

MaBi123 said:


> It's actually getting better. He used to blow up more often and worse. He's been controlling himself much better in the past year or so.


Up to the point he knifed something he knew you cherished.

To answer your question: I can look through anything I please. As can my wife. Passwords or secrecy don't belong in a marriage (or a LTR)


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

MaBi123 said:


> I guess my question is: Would you all have looked through the computer if the above had happened to you?


Actually, I'm scratching my head over the question. I think a more logical one would be to ask why you are willing to stay with someone like this ....


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Prodigal said:


> Actually, I'm scratching my head over the question. I think a more logical one would be to ask why you are willing to stay with someone like this ....


It would seem as though he is making use of her desire to be an honest, reliable and physically safe person, while excusing himself from being same. In more general terms, it's abuse and it's to her credit that she is questioning whether it's okay. It shows that she has a sound and principled mind as well as a sweet nature and some innate innocence about life that's been toyed with and taken advantage of.

Displays of violence are what male gorillas do to establish dominance: chest beating, coconut throwing, baring fangs. It's so they can mate with more than one female. He's taking advantage of what makes one human, which is morality, kindness, ability to make promises and rise above and beyond impulse...while he's nothing more than a brute. :-( 

Some people LOOK human, but when push comes to shove, they are found to be lacking. Infiltrator! Disengaged. No explanations needed to anyone. Least of all him I would think.


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

I did gloss over the last few posts, but it seems like he does not respect you at all.

Not sure if this is accurate, but that's the feeling I get from reading what's been posted.

The question is that this is the "baseline" for how good its supposed to get being at the 'engaged' part of the relationship.....how do you feel about it?

(Above is what "they" say, not personal opinion, but can be accurate)


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

MaBi123 said:


> I'm engaged, but my fiance has been acting really strange lately. *He's a very private person, and has made me promise numerous times not to go through his computer.*
> 
> *Lately he's been doing weird things like the following:
> - Taking late night phone calls (that he says are for work) outside or in the car
> ...


You need to LOSE this man..and don't look back.... when he said there was another women "better" in his anger... I wouldn't dismiss this...not with this mountain of red flags you laid out in this opening post alone...and when his own family members & friends outright tell you -you *can't* trust anything he says... you can not say you weren't warned....

This man's way of life is Blame shifting, he needs Anger management, he is abusive knifing your purse....:wtf:, what you see right now will only grow 10 times WORSE once you are married..add a kid or 2....do you want a father like that for your children... towering in fear, his slicing up their toys....treating them as he has treated you?...



> *Bellavista said*: *DO NOT marry this man. He is lying and threatening you. Why on earth would you want to subject yourself to a life time of being treated that way? Walk away while you can*


I echo this ...and sternly.... if you were my daughter.. I would paint you a dreadful picture of your future life ....misery on that plate...before your very eyes to what you will be treated like.. he has shown his true colors.. do not ignore them ...to your own detriment. 

Would I look upon his computer...Hell [email protected]#$% and there would not be any apology for it either...when there is nothing to hide, there is nothing to get all pi$$ed off about...

... I also would never make a promise not to- the asking alone would be a RED FLAG... any man who threw any hint of >> "*this is none of your business woman*" at me -while we were an item/ sleeping together, sharing saliva and a bed..... It'd be an automatic deal breaker - knowing he didn't share the same values or vision I had in a love filled relationship, that our "foundations" were worlds apart...it's good to care about our own future happiness.. 

If you value honesty in a man, you yearn for someone emotionally available...someone who *respects* you, cares about you, doesn't belittle you, if you want a WILLING / Giving Transparency... these things ARE possible...such men are out there... it's your life.. heed the warnings here from many who have walked this path ...and some have lived to regret it...only to fight to get out later with a couple kids in tow.


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## whathappenedtome (Nov 4, 2013)

If this is how he treats you before you are married, it will only get infinitely worse after you are married. Don't snoop, leave. There are thousands of good guys out there who would never call you those names, or knife your purse, or lie about their relationships with another woman. 

You deserve better, and you can have it.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I just realized something.. I read this part wrong


> *MaBi123 said*: *His whole family and all his friends usually roll their eyes when he's angry and told me never to believe anything he says*.


Basically what you were saying here is ...they roll their eyes  and say he speaks ... says anything when he is MAD.. so therefore the fact he mentioned some other women being better, could have just been more BS to stir you up. 

Well if he was MORE open & transparent, I may BUY that line..... but since he is clearly NOT...flipping out like a mad butcher .... I wouldn't put any stock into this family/ friends dismissing his behavior as -"who cares what flies out of his mouth".. 

It really DOES matter... when a person is full of "*DOUBLE TALK*".... whether when they are calm/ happy/ content... or even in fighting.. it has a way of eroding TRUST.....and this is a vital part of healthy relationships... sure we all fight now & then, even say nasty things in a moment - a little exaggerating, getting too emotional (I've been there)....but pulling hurtful sh** out of thin air to slap each other with... (if he was)...this is still "Unacceptable" behavior....it's demeaning, ugly..and he shouldn't get a pass...


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

Please don't marry this person.

He sounds childish, selfish, hostile and potentially violent.

Walk away.


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

You have a valid reason to snoop, he is cheating and trying to turn the fight into he can't trust you.

Yes I have snooped and will again. My husband has cheated and said things that gave me reason to snoop. Found nude pictures of his mistress. If he wants to stay with me he will have to live with it like I have to live with what he did and said.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

=/

WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY too many red flags to ignore IMO


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

You know, most psych profilers would say the knife to your purse is a metaphorical representation of you. If you don't get out now you are the next "object" he takes a knife to (possibly) eventually.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Yes, you are sensing something and he might not be honest with you even if you ask. My first husband was having an affair which when I finally started following him and caught them together, he admitted to but not up until them. My current husband was a porn addict and covered and lied about it for many years but he finally was caught too and only then did he admit and together we sought help.

Not sure why men do this but they do.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> I'm engaged, but my fiance has been acting really strange lately. He's a very private person, and has made me promise *numerous* times not to go through his computer.


I've decided to look at the set up someone is trying to achieve. My theory is that a serial cheater who is in remission will set up with his partner that "snooping is bad, bad, bad" and other activities that might also cut into his game. You agreed to this so now he is in a position to call you a liar and to retaliate by, well, cheating. 

Any potential partner who talks in negative terms like "don't snoop" or even "don't play games with me" is a serious red flag. IMO, this means that this what they plan to do to you...... but will double talk you when they do.

as the others have said, get out now before you married him. You don't want to be accused for the rest of your life for doing the very things he keeps you not to do. (ie pretty soon, he will be accusing you of having an affair.)


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

MaBi123 said:


> Is it ever ok to snoop through your spouse/significant other's belongings (computer, cell phone, etc) if you have a reason to suspect cheating?
> 
> I'm engaged


Stop.
Call off this engagement .
You are being conditioned to accept abusive behavior which would only get worse.

Secondly , the concept of " snooping " cannot apply in marriage
( or during engagement ) because ,

THERE ARE NO SECRETS IN MARRIAGE.

Whenever " snooping " starts , it means one of two issues.
1) There is a lack of trust
2) There was a breach of trust.
Both issues are counterproductive to building a healthy relationship.
Ironically , you come across as a very trusting person.

Sorry that after so long , your relationship has come to this, but it's never too late to find someone who loves and respects you.


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## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

sh987 said:


> To me, when a person punches the wall, tears apart doors, room, etc, close to the person they're arguing with, it's a form of terrorism; a threat of violence. "This is what I want to do to you!"


Yes, this is abusive. It's symbolic violence. The Emotionally Abusive Relationship is a book that people finding themselves in such situations should read.


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## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

Your partner sounds very abusive and DANGEROUS. I'm sorry, but destroying your personal belongings with a knife and saying the kinds of things he said to you...he has no respect or true regard for you, and if you stay, he is going to hurt you. He's making you promises that this will be the case, and it's important that you recognize them.



MaBi123 said:


> Is it ever ok to snoop through your spouse/significant other's belongings (computer, cell phone, etc) if you have a reason to suspect cheating?


Yes.



MaBi123 said:


> I'm engaged, but my fiance has been acting really strange lately. He's a very private person, and has made me promise numerous times not to go through his computer.


He's not terribly subtle, is he? "Private" tends to equal something to hide. 



MaBi123 said:


> - Told me he's talking to another woman who is "better" than me while in a fight, then later saying it wasn't true. He always says outrageous things in fights or when he's angry. His whole family and all his friends usually roll their eyes when he's angry and told me never to believe anything he says.


This is definitely emotionally abusive.



MaBi123 said:


> Instead of answering my questions, he just started yelling at me and called me a snake and a b*tch for sneaking around through his computer. He says I am untrustworthy because I broke a promise. Then, in his rage, he took a knife to my favorite purse.


You are too nice to this guy. I would have been out of there at this point. He is totally projecting. HE is the untrustworthy one, and he is trying to distract your attention from that by attacking you for "violating his privacy". He knows he is wrong.

Okay, the knife to your favorite purse is a huge warning and threat. You had better take it seriously. Destroying someone's personal belongings, especially in such a violent manner, is something that dangerous people do. He didn't just throw it away, HE TORE IT APART WITH A KNIFE. Such a person won't mind hurting you if they feel you do something to "justify" that response, just so you know.



MaBi123 said:


> When he calmed down later, he said "sarah" is a family member. I have never heard of anyone in his family named Sarah. He just responds that he wants to keep it private and I need to stop being nosy.


He needs to stop being shady and sh!tty...



MaBi123 said:


> He keeps saying he can't trust me now that I broke a promise, and that he won't be telling me who "sarah" is because I can't be trusted.


More projection. This guy is trying to mind-fvck you, and now he is withholding. The longer you stay with him, the worse your head will be. He'll have you so mixed up that you start agreeing with him that you deserve all his abuse, and in fact, that's it's not even abuse, but for your own good! You don't want that. 



MaBi123 said:


> So was it wrong to break the promise and look at his computer? Did I have a valid reason? Or should I feel really bad about it?


Of course your reason was valid. It's not good to break promises, but you have more pressing concerns here. If he has nothing to hide, why is he screaming at you and cutting up your purse? His reaction was highly inappropriate and abnormal, to say the least.



MaBi123 said:


> He says I deserve that and worse for snooping after promising not to.


This is a threat. It also expresses that he thinks you deserve to be abused and harmed for going against his wishes. Never mind _marrying_ this guy - as others said, get out while you still can!


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

soulpotato said:


> Yes, this is abusive. It's symbolic violence. The Emotionally Abusive Relationship is a book that people finding themselves in such situations should read.


Yeah, a quick google search shows that I wasn't narrowly defining domestic violence at all. Run, OP. Run for the hills. It will only get worse.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

MaBi123 said:


> Is it ever ok to snoop through your spouse/significant other's belongings (computer, cell phone, etc) if you have a reason to suspect cheating?
> 
> I'm engaged, but my fiance has been acting really strange lately. He's a very private person, and has made me promise numerous times not to go through his computer.
> 
> ...


I will respond on the off chance this is a genuine thread.
Get out of there, you are about to marry a nut job. As he gets older it will get worse and you are entering into years of pain that you can avoid. Normal relationships, healthy ones do not involve knives, or secret computers, or secret relatives named Sarah, AND he told the other relatives not to talk to you about Sarah....Ummm. WTF is up with that..? Even if there is a Sarah, she is not a relative and if she is you need to be even more grossed out. 
Just avoid trying to figure it out. Unless you are dying to get great fodder for a Lifetime movie. Just leave. You will start to feel less crazy almost immediately.


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## Boottothehead (Sep 3, 2013)

MaBi123 said:


> Another thing that I hate: When he gets angry, he will say horrible things, then later say "I didn't mean it, I was just angry." You have no idea how many times I have been told I was fat or stupid or "just a dumb b*tch."
> 
> I get it, I've said things I didn't mean when I was angry. I think we all have. But it seems like he does it on a weekly basis.


This is another big red flag. You don't have to put up with being called names on a regular basis. People who love and respect each other don't do that.


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## suesmith (Jan 5, 2012)

How old are both of you?


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Ok, there are bigger issues here than him cheating - which, yes, he is.

Him saying to you that he is talking to someone who is better than you at anger- he said how he feels. Anger just made him spill it, and he retracted later once he realized what he has done.

Abuse- verbal and physical- bursts out of this story. Him cutting your purse - wow. I once caught my cheating ex on MY computer, sending a greeting card to a girl he promised he stopped contact with. I flipped out and in attempt to get his attention, I grabbed the mouse and threw it away. His response? A punch in the computer,that broke it, a pull of my fur jacket, that broke it as well, and a slap that threw me on the floor. So, you see a pattern? how cheaters get aggressive and blame shifting when they are caught on?

Rest assured, the "Sarah" is anything but a family member. You have found all evidence of the contrary. Please trust your common sense and don't let him insult your intelligence by talking you into believing his lies. Even a cretin person would smell this one. 

Dump him before you spend years of your beautiful life on a cheater , liar and abuser like him. There are so many good men out there. Don't marry this one. 
Ah, and yes it is ok to snoop, if you have suspicion. Without a doubt. There should be full transparency in a relationship anyway!


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

MaBi123 said:


> Is it ever ok to snoop through your spouse/significant other's belongings (computer, cell phone, etc) if you have a reason to suspect cheating?
> 
> I'm engaged, but my fiance has been acting really strange lately. He's a very private person, and has made me promise numerous times not to go through his computer.
> 
> ...


Do not marry this nut job. Clearly his genitals wish to park in Sarah's garage. Dump him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

MaBi123 said:


> Another thing that I hate: When he gets angry, he will say horrible things, then later say "I didn't mean it, I was just angry." You have no idea how many times I have been told I was fat or stupid or "just a dumb b*tch."
> 
> I get it, I've said things I didn't mean when I was angry. I think we all have. But it seems like he does it on a weekly basis.


You need to think very carefully about marriage with a man like this. You will have it all your life. Can you put up with that?


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Uh is the title a trick question?

Odds he is doing Sarah...

Anyone?

I know which side i would bet on.


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> Uh is the title a trick question?
> 
> Odds he is doing Sarah...
> 
> ...


No thanks. That's a bet against the house if ever I saw.


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## Microwavelove (Sep 11, 2013)

Snooping is the least of your worries in this instance. He took a knife to your purse. You need to pack what's left in another purse and get the heck out of dodge. Seriously, you're ignoring a lot of red flags.


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

To me this guy sounds like he has no respect for her. She had better tow the line and be faithful but that doesn't apply to him. He has a tantrum and knifes her purse, I would worry that next time it might be me. Usually people are on their best behavior before the wedding if this is his best I would be seriously worried.

Leave him, don't even consider marrying him.


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## ScorchedEarth (Mar 5, 2013)

Please heed the advice you see posted. 

Just about ALL of us here have been where you are. We know the signs. We've BEEN THERE!

Please get out while you can. 
Leaving the room, cussing up a storm, leaving the house in a huff because you are mad - THAT'S normal. 
Taking a knife to ANYTHING because you are mad is NOT NORMAL!


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## MaBi123 (Nov 28, 2013)

suesmith said:


> How old are both of you?


I'm almost 28 he is 32


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

I tell my wife everything's an open book. She's welcome to look through emails, computer, texts, phone records, anything. I have nothing to hide.

Your fiance tells you to promise you won't snoop. He has a lot to hide.

Plus he has a nasty temper. Anybody who gets that angry about his secrets has a lot to hide that he doesn't want you to know about.

You're making a big mistake if you marry this guy.


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## MaBi123 (Nov 28, 2013)

update: 

We've been apart for a while to cool down. We talked a little in those days and I didn't mention "Sarah." Today I brought it up again. It's not something that I am going to let drop even if we break up and I told him that. He just kept telling me to shut up and not talk about it. I told him that I was not going to let it go and said, "If you won't be clear about who she is and how she's supposedly related to you, I have to assume you are cheating."

He kept saying not to accuse him of cheating because he wasn't and I would "feel stupid" if I knew who she was. I kept doing it, because I was angry. I know I shouldn't have goaded him or "egged him on." That was dumb of me.

Finally he told me not to do it again or I'd be sorry. I said something like, "she must be a really special girl if you're going to all this trouble to keep her a secret."

He left the room and came back with wet canned cat food all over his hands and smeared it in my face and down my top. 

Cat food doesn't taste good, if anyone is wondering.

Then he grabbed my tea cup and threw tea in my face. Luckily, my tea wasn't very hot so it didn't hurt.

He said, "see that's what happens when you don't drop it." Then he accused me of being "emotionally abusive" for goading him and for pushing the issue.

I'm still the wrong one for snooping, btw.


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## MaBi123 (Nov 28, 2013)

update: 

We've been apart for a while to cool down. We talked a little in those days and I didn't mention "Sarah." Today I brought it up again. It's not something that I am going to let drop even if we break up and I told him that. He just kept telling me to shut up and not talk about it. I told him that I was not going to let it go and said, "If you won't be clear about who she is and how she's supposedly related to you, I have to assume you are cheating."

He kept saying not to accuse him of cheating because he wasn't and I would "feel stupid" if I knew who she was. I kept doing it, because I was angry. I know I shouldn't have goaded him or "egged him on." That was dumb of me.

Finally he told me not to do it again or I'd be sorry. I said something like, "she must be a really special girl if you're going to all this trouble to keep her a secret."

He left the room and came back with wet canned cat food all over his hands and smeared it in my face and down my top. 

Cat food doesn't taste good, if anyone is wondering.

Then he grabbed my tea cup and threw tea in my face. Luckily, my tea wasn't very hot so it didn't hurt.

He said, "see that's what happens when you don't drop it." Then he accused me of being "emotionally abusive" for goading him and for pushing the issue.

I'm still the wrong one for snooping, btw.


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## MaBi123 (Nov 28, 2013)

sorry, I don't know why it posted it twice.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

And you havent left him, filed domestic violence charges, and arranged to file divorce tomorrow because....?


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## MaBi123 (Nov 28, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> And you havent left him, filed domestic violence charges, and arranged to file divorce tomorrow because....?


Well we don't live together currently and we aren't married so no need to file anything.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

You DO realize this is abuse and there is no future right?

I hate guys who hit / abuse girls. I wanna beat his azz now.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Is snooping ok in your situation? Absolutely not. Running away from this train wreck of a man as quickly as you can is what you need to be doing. Whether or not he is cheating on you has been fully eclipsed by the abusive and disrespectful manner in which he treats you. I am truly outraged that someone would do what he is doing. 

The way he has treated you is inexcusable. Find your self respect and cut this cancer out of your life before he really takes hold.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

MaBi123 said:


> Well we don't live together currently and we aren't married so no need to file anything.


THANK GOD!!!!!!!

Back in the day weightlifter would have kicked my @ss...just so you know were I'm coming from...I can tell you it *will* get worse.

There is a progression with this unhealthy behavior and in my case it started with breakinging things (like the purse) then it goes to attacking you with food (like cat food), then the "food fight" moves forward but with out the food.

I mean **** your old man went from one stage to the next in a matter of days..in my case it took a several months.

At your old mans rate you will end up on the floor with snot running out of your nose with him daring you to get back up only to do it again...with in a matter of weeks.

In my case it took only a few years from throwing a drink in my old ladies face to slapping her around.


So please trust me he will get worse!!!!! I did

I'm not proud of what kind of "man" I *was* when I was young and did alot of wrong to a lot of poeple.


On a side note.
If your dumb enough to marry this POS be prepared to have a jail fund...thats extra money you have when your old man is in county for a few months.


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## summergirljea (Jul 17, 2013)

do not marry this guy PLEASE for your own sake....sometimes it takes time for someone to show who they really are. he doesn't sound like it will get any easier or better...you can do better. move on now


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

Plz plz plz read my thread. Plz do yourself a favor and do NOT marry this guy. Do not end up in the situation I am currently in. There are SO many red flags right now, leave, be free, you'll only appreciate independence after you are far, far away from this ugly situation. Best of luck!!


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## fallensoldier (May 6, 2012)

Again, going through your thread, it really does bring tears to my eyes. All I see is my family and friends begging me to walk out, begging me to remain strong, begging me to file for divorce and to get rid of the cancer of an XH that I had. I would give the world to be back at engaged, not have given him 6 years of marriage and running out the door those many years ago. Plz be strong, plz wake up.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

MaBi123 said:


> update:
> 
> We've been apart for a while to cool down. We talked a little in those days and I didn't mention "Sarah." Today I brought it up again. It's not something that I am going to let drop even if we break up and I told him that. He just kept telling me to shut up and not talk about it. I told him that I was not going to let it go and said, "If you won't be clear about who she is and how she's supposedly related to you, I have to assume you are cheating."
> 
> ...


So what are you going to do about what happened? Please say your telling him to go away forever, and filing a restraining order on him to help remind him to stay away for good.


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

Just like everyone else, I think you should run away, not walk away. My spouse was "private" when I met her and continued to be the entire marriage. Of course she's a cheater, just like he is except you don't have proof. Get to his phone when he's sleeping if need be, I wouldn't waste your time he's not worth it. 

Stbxw said that I was "controlling" when I questioned her secrecy. I was also accused of being "emotionally abusive". There we're things I did wrong and I stopped doing them. We went to councilling before the affair. People like this don't want to be married. There can't be secrets in a marriage. I hope you see that. 

If that's not enough, he's got anger problems and sounds incapable of handling problems on an adult level. Is he going to stab your children if he is mad at you?

*I'm having a hard time believing any of this as truthful, but I'll play along for now. If it is true you really need to look into some self help books on building better relationships *


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

MaBi, what are you doing, sitting there, arguing with the man? By this point, does anything other than the domestic abuse matter? Forget about being right/getting him to admit that he's cheating. Do you really need him to when it's so obvious? Forget about all of that.

Get out of there. Be safe. He's escalating his aggressive responses to your questions, and will continue to.

I think people around here quite often default to a "just leave" stance when it may not at all be warranted. In the case of domestic violence, though, you can take no chances.

It will continue to escalate, and sticking around for any reason, let alone to provoke him, is extremely dangerous on your part. People get killed.

Don't let it be you.

SH


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

If you're married it's ok to snoop.

If you are engaged, you are just judging on what you see, knowing that this will be your marriage.

So the question is, is this how you want to live for the next 50 years? You can't marry him and then expect him to become a different person.

My opinion, big mistake to marry this man.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

MaBi123 said:


> Well we don't live together currently and we aren't married so no need to file anything.


Go get a restraining order at the police station.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

He is cheating. He is abusing you. You are a complete and utter fool if you stay with/marry this man.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Hicks said:


> If you're married it's ok to snoop.
> 
> If you are engaged, you are just judging on what you see, knowing that this will be your marriage.
> 
> ...


No it's not "ok" to snoop if you are married, it's never ok. People have a right to privacy and marriage is based on trust. If you cannot trust your partner's genitals to wander somewhere other than the marriage then you don't have a marriage. 

Snooping for the purpose of quelling fears of abandonment and insecurities is very destructive. In short, if you have to snoop, then you shouldn't be married to them.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Sanity said:


> No it's not "ok" to snoop if you are married, it's never ok. People have a right to privacy and marriage is based on trust. If you cannot trust your partner's genitals to wander somewhere other than the marriage then you don't have a marriage.
> 
> Snooping for the purpose of quelling fears of abandonment and insecurities is very destructive. In short, if you have to snoop, then you shouldn't be married to them.


Spoken like someone who has never been cheated on.


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## RodgerRabbit (Dec 3, 2013)

I am new; but I have to agree with Sanity; and I have been cheated on and snooping means you have NO trust in the person you are having a relationship with. So if you have no trust then you have no relationship and need to get out.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

3Xnocharm said:


> Spoken like someone who has never been cheated on.


I've been cheated on 3 times in my lifetime. Caught two in the act. One was pretty much confirmed so yes been cheated on. I simply told them it was over. It's a deal breaker and should be treated as such. 

Trust is THE solid foundation of any relationship and if I have to snoop constantly its just not worth it OR I'm too insecure. I'm not insecure about being cheated on. If they want to F somebody else let them. I've told people in my life that being with me is strictly voluntary. We should be together because we love each other and trust each other. The moment you find a BBD and you can't help yourself, save yourself the trouble of hiding it and simply tell me and move on. No games.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I disagree. When there is a marriage there usually high stakes that affect other people such as children. It makes complete sense to verify untrustworthy behavior through snooping before hitting the button on "ending the relatoinship".


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

We're talkiing about snooping when the behavior shown is untrustworthy. Not blanket espionage.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

People usually(not all the time) snoop for two reasons:

1. They are insecure and have some control freak tendencies

2. They have some doubts about their partner/spouse due to certain behaviors and they want to find some sort of peace via invasion of privacy. 

I believe in letting adults behaving like adults and making adult decisions along with accepting the consequences. Be faithful and trustworthy and you get 1000% from me. Start creeping around and we are done. Without trust there is no marriage. 

I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you

-Friedrich Nietzsche


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Hicks said:


> We're talkiing about snooping when the behavior shown is untrustworthy. Not blanket espionage.


Additionally, snooping often follows concerted efforts to be secretive on the spouse's part. Secret email accounts, burner phones, ridiculous BS stories to explain unusual behavior, etc. 

The key to trust is not blind faith, it is total openness and accountability.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

MaBi123 said:


> Finally he told me not to do it again or I'd be sorry. I said something like, "she must be a really special girl if you're going to all this trouble to keep her a secret." He left the room and came back with wet canned cat food all over his hands and smeared it in my face and down my top. Cat food doesn't taste good, if anyone is wondering. Then he grabbed my tea cup and threw tea in my face. Luckily, my tea wasn't very hot so it didn't hurt.


So...you *HAVE * now broken up with this abusive cheating *******, correct?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

MaBi123 said:


> But it was still my favorite and something I cherished.


Which is exactly why abusers trash things like that. They do it for one reason only: to break your spirit. To shut you up.

But you're not that dumb, are you? You're walking away from this abuser, right?


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## bagdon (Jun 7, 2013)

MaBi123 said:


> Is it ever ok to snoop through your spouse/significant other's belongings (computer, cell phone, etc) if you have a reason to suspect cheating?
> 
> I'm engaged, but my fiance has been acting really strange lately. He's a very private person, and has made me promise numerous times not to go through his computer.
> 
> ...


Well, I only read the opening statement to this thread and the first few replies afterward. This is my opinion based on your opening post:

A.) He doesn't love you; He's very selfish and childish; He's got anger issues; could possibly be physically abusive. 

B.) He doesn't love you; He lies to you about things that shouldn't matter if it were on the up & up. He's got too much to hide. (first he denies writing the note then he disregards that lie to say well, it was a female relative...BS! why lie about it in the first place?) 

C.) He doesn't love you; marriage is an intimate relationship between a husband and a wife; some things should be shared with your spouse especially if the spouse is asking.

D.) He doesn't love you; He may be sexually compatible with you; maybe he's very physically appealing to you or doing well financially; Maybe you're just easy for him to manipulate. 

E.) He doesn't love you; I think his family likes you but they don't really respect you. I don't think they're telling you everything about him and they are giving you subtle warning signs without "getting in your business". (rolling their eyes at his angry outbursts; telling you not to believe what he says)


If he says he loves you, and really believes it himself, he doesn't know how to love you which means he's very immature dealing with personal relationships. Especially Marriage! He's not ready for marriage and depending on his age you may want to reconsider your options for a husband.

Finally, I think you need to do a better job of respecting and loving yourself before you get married.


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## Convection (Apr 20, 2013)

Let me add another voice to the chorus: what he is doing is abusive and it will not get better. Do not marry this man.

Put aside his secretive behavior for a moment. Just his domineering and childish attitude ought to be enough to send you fleeing. I have never even come close to smearing wet cat food on my wife or throwing tea in her face - and I say that as a man with anger management issues.

He will not stop this unless he wants to, and that requires a deeper level of introspection than you have indicated he is even capable of reaching. He WILL continue it and he likely WILL escalate.

Repeat: do not marry this man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

MaBi123 said:


> Another thing that I hate: When he gets angry, he will say horrible things, then later say "I didn't mean it, I was just angry." You have no idea how many times I have been told I was fat or stupid or "just a dumb b*tch."
> 
> I get it, I've said things I didn't mean when I was angry. I think we all have. But it seems like he does it on a weekly basis.


OK, and um, WHY are you going to marry someone who is so verbally abusive???


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why would you marry ANY PERSON who thinks it's ok to call you fat or stupid?

That's not love, in case you didn't already know. Sounds more like codependence, on YOUR part.


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

I must be old school.When you take marriage vows,you
just don't hide anything.A marriage is hard enough to
make work when everything is good.

Your not even married to him and he cuts up your purse
because you didn't follow his wishes.This is controlling
behavior and abusive.How long until he looses control
and harms you.

You shouldn't be afraid of someone who you are about
to marry.

How would he appreciate if you ruined something of his?
To many red flags from your fiance.He is secretive and
has anger issues.

Ask yourself,why would someone get angry if they had
nothing to hide.

Good Luck


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Snooping is spying, which is the world's second oldest profession-with even fewer morals than the first...

...but sometimes, it IS necessary.


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

MaBi123 said:


> Then he grabbed my tea cup and threw tea in my face. Luckily, my tea wasn't very hot so it didn't hurt.


I keep coming back to this and I find it very disturbing...

Let me ask you a simple question. Did he use a thermometer to check the temperature of the tea to be sure that it would not scald you before he threw it in your face?

Plain and simply, this is assault. He assaulted you. And I do not throw words and accusations like that around haphazardly. He very possibly could have hurt you severely.




MaBi123 said:


> He said, "see that's what happens when you don't drop it."


NO. That is what happens when you are dealing with an egomaniac and an abusive man.

I cannot fathom why he did any of this to you and why he did not immediately beg your forgiveness. Then again I have never ever raised my hand to a woman nor would I ever blame another person for something that I physically did to them.

I think a lot of the other posters recognize that you are in an abusive relationship with a man who is obviously hiding something. I don't care if his "Sarah" is Mother Theresa. He has no reason to be so controlling, so evasive, and so abusive. 

I hope you recognize that you just got involved with a bad person and that you simply have to completely break it off with him. You should not be at all concerned now with who "Sarah" is. You should be concerned for your safety.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

sparkyjim said:


> I keep coming back to this and I find it very disturbing...
> 
> Let me ask you a simple question. Did he use a thermometer to check the temperature of the tea to be sure that it would not scald you before he threw it in your face?
> 
> Plain and simply, this is assault. He assaulted you. And I do not throw words and accusations like that around haphazardly. He very possibly could have hurt you severely.


Akin to the man in Russia who threw acid in the other's face. He MEANT to hurt you. He is dangerous. And it WILL escalate.

I see you posting elsewhere but not here. Is that because you're not willing to leave him?


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## bagdon (Jun 7, 2013)

turnera said:


> I see you posting elsewhere but not here. Is that because you're not willing to leave him?


Yeah, what's up with that?:scratchhead:


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## MaBi123 (Nov 28, 2013)

turnera said:


> I see you posting elsewhere but not here. Is that because you're not willing to leave him?


I think after posting this, everyone is confirming what I already knew deep inside. My relationship is over. And regardless of how abusive or wrong he was, I still feel horrible about it. 

AND, I almost feel like I deserve this.

I have not been the perfect girlfriend or fiancee, a point he brings up constantly. I went out with a male friend 4 years ago and he kissed me. I should never have gone out with the guy. I told my fiance (who was then just a boyfriend, we'd only been dating about 2 months) about it right away but I know I probably did something to invite the guy to kiss me. I never had any feelings beyond friendship for this guy, but maybe I led him on without intending to?

I have had an emotional affair two years ago. I have never slept with anyone or anything physical, but I know it's still bad and very wrong.

I also have depression and can have a bad attitude. I don't call him names, but I can be very negative and touchy. I know I can sometimes be b*tchy and hard to deal with, something I work on everyday.

One time nearly 3 years ago I talked to him with a disrespectful tone in front of his friend. He was outside talking and relaxing while I was inside packing his suitcase for a trip, cooking lunch, and taking care of a huge mess our cats had made while we were gone. He was preparing to go on a business trip and we had to leave for the airport in 20 minutes.

I was super angry because I was under a lot of stress and he was doing nothing to help or prepare himself for the trip, so I came outside and gave him attitude in front of his friend, *which I feel bad about and have apologized for numerous times.* His friend later said about me, "What a b*tch. If my wife did that, I'd throw her through a wall." He echoes that statement as proof that any guy would treat me badly if he had to "deal" with me on a daily basis.

He reminds of all these things I've done wrong every day. Even though I have made huge improvements, I'm still reminded of that time in 2010 when I did this or that. That is his excuse for treating me badly. 

Anytime I bring up something he has done wrong in the past few weeks, I am reminded of everything I have ever done wrong, and we only end up talking about me.


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## MaBi123 (Nov 28, 2013)

sparkyjim said:


> I keep coming back to this and I find it very disturbing...
> 
> Let me ask you a simple question. Did he use a thermometer to check the temperature of the tea to be sure that it would not scald you before he threw it in your face?
> 
> Plain and simply, this is assault. He assaulted you. And I do not throw words and accusations like that around haphazardly. He very possibly could have hurt you severely.


He didn't use a thermometer, but when he grabbed the cup he could tell just from touching it on the outside that it wasn't very hot. He had also seen me make the tea 30+ minutes ago, so he knew it would have already cooled down considerably.

This isn't the first time I've had a drink thrown in my face, but he never threw anything scalding hot at me.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

MaBi123 said:


> He was outside talking and relaxing while I was inside packing his suitcase for a trip, cooking lunch, and taking care of a huge mess our cats had made while we were gone. He was preparing to go on a business trip and we had to leave for the airport in 20 minutes. I was super angry because I was under a lot of stress and he was doing nothing to help or prepare himself for the trip, so I came outside and gave him attitude in front of his friend, *which I feel bad about and have apologized for numerous times.*


You're talking like a victim. Stop it.

A real husband wouldn't have expected you to do 100% of the work to get him to the airport, he would have been at your side, doing half of it.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

MaBi123 said:


> He didn't use a thermometer, but when he grabbed the cup he could tell just from touching it on the outside that it wasn't very hot. He had also seen me make the tea 30+ minutes ago, so he knew it would have already cooled down considerably.
> 
> This isn't the first time I've had a drink thrown in my face, but he never threw anything scalding hot at me.


You need to leave him and never look back. And you need to get yourself into therapy and learn to stop accepting unacceptable behaviour. The first time you had a drink thrown at you is unacceptable. It's not a joke when done in anger or frustration.


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

There is nothing in your previous post that justifies him abusing you MaBi. If he was unhappy with you as a fiance, he had the option of breaking off the engagement. He didn't do this, because you were an easy and willing target for his cruel and bent nature.

Do yourself a favour, leave this guy and get far away or he WILL suck you back in again. Get some counselling so that you don't end up in another abusive relationship. Determine why you feel it is ok to be treated like a doormat and abused and then take all of the blame on yourself to excuse your partners poor behaviour.

It is such a tragedy when women accept being abused by nasty, POS men as being what they deserve. Nobody deserves to be treated badly, of either sex.

By the way, your fiance seems to have friends that are just as bad as he is. GET OUT NOW.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Sanity said:


> No it's not "ok" to snoop if you are married, it's never ok. People have a right to privacy and marriage is based on trust. If you cannot trust your partner's genitals to wander somewhere other than the marriage then you don't have a marriage.
> 
> Snooping for the purpose of quelling fears of abandonment and insecurities is very destructive. In short, if you have to snoop, then you shouldn't be married to them.


I agree, it's never OK to snoop in a marriage because I think there should be an expectation that everything is out in the open so that there is nothing to snoop on. In short, if you feel the need to keep things from someone, you shouldn't be married to them.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

Sanity said:


> No it's not "ok" to snoop if you are married, it's never ok. People have a right to privacy and marriage is based on trust. If you cannot trust your partner's genitals to wander somewhere other than the marriage then you don't have a marriage.
> 
> Snooping for the purpose of quelling fears of abandonment and insecurities is very destructive. In short, if you have to snoop, then you shouldn't be married to them.


This isn't real-world advice. 

So when a spouse gets that "gut feeling" that something's not right, then he/she should just divorce their spouse rather than investigate?

In my case, my wife was acting differently. More distant, more critical of me, etc. So I snooped. I found evidence of a mild EA. I put my foot down, told her I'm not tolerating that in our marriage, and the EA ended. To be sure, I snooped a little more later on, found nothing, and now, my trust in her is back.

But the way you see it, I should have divorced as soon as I noticed signs that something might be going on with my wife, even though it wasn't clear what that "something" might be and only snooping would uncover the truth. Because as you say, if have to snoop, you shouldn't be married to them.


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

I think there are two entirely different things being debated here. If a spouse has a feeling that something is off, in particular if the SO is taking great pains to keep their computer/phone/etc locked, then investigating should be a given. In particular if the SO says that the spouse is not allowed near their devices.

What is snooping anyway? If I go and walk through my neighbours house and check out their computer uninvited, then that is snooping. There is no relationship there. Even if I go and check out my grown sons' computers, that is snooping. What they do is their business, when they are grown up.

However, if my husband was to (and he did) act precious with his phone/computer and his behaviour indicates that there may be a less than ideal reason for this, then doing what I need to do to find out what he is up to is justified. After all, there is relationship there that is based on trust and forsaking all others.

As many have said, on this thread and others, there is no place for secrecy in a relationship. if the one spouse is doing something that they don't want the other to EVER find out about, then obviously it is a problem and it needs to be brought into the light and dealt with.


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