# women on this site please give your best advice



## chitown (Feb 22, 2010)

Im going thru a divorce that I don't want but my wife does. I posted my story on another thread but decided to ask a more general question.

We have been separated for 2 months now and all the papers will be signed in the next couple weeks. For the first 6 weeks of our separation/ divorce my wife and I had been having sex 5 times a week. Well after posting a thread and getting the responses I decided to cut her off from sex with me.

Now I do understand that my situation is strange in that my wife is the one that wants the divorce and is also the one that wants to keep having sex with me until we meet other people after our divorce is final. Usually it's my situation is reversed in that the man is the one that wants to keep having sex even though getting divorced. Don't get me wrong, I love having sex with my wife as our sex life has always been amazing! However this leads me to the question for this thread.

How do I get my wife back even if she wants a divorce?

I would like to hear a womans point of view on this? If your giving a man the best advice to win back his wife, what would it be?


Now for me i've told my wife how much I love her, begged, got angry and pissed ect... none of this has worked. In fact, it only made me look like an idiot in her eyes im sure. Well i've accepted this divorce for what it is and will no longer even try to save it. However, I will no longer have sex with her and have done a good job so far the past two weeks. My next challenge will be to cease all contact unless it has to do with the kids. So im going to start that tomorrow and will see how this marriage of mine plays out.

So this thread is for advice from women if im doing the right thing? This advice will also help other men that are going thru a divorce but don't want to break up there marriage.

So if the women on this site would please chime in and offer your knowledge for guys that want to save there marriage and want there wifes back.


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## chitown (Feb 22, 2010)

any woman viewing this post? Please reply, your knowledge would be very much appreciated.


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## HappyAtLast (Jan 25, 2010)

What are her reasons for divorce? Sounds like she wants the best of both worlds-to be on her own, but to have you available when she wants you. You say you've accepted the divorce for what it is and won't try to save it, but you also want her back. I wish I had some encouraging words for you, but it sounds like she's already made up her mind.


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## Cgreene21 (Feb 11, 2010)

I'm not a woman, but you are being played bro.

My situation was similar to yours, only there was no physical contact between us. She kept me in the apartment, led me on with hopes of reconcilation, going out with me and spending time with me...

Then I discovered the affair. SHE wanted the divorce, but SHE didn't want to let me leave. 

Its going to be tough, but you'll feel a lot better about yourself if you sever those bonds now and just focus on what you need to do. The more you try to smother her, the worse it will be, not only in her reactions, but to your overall self-woth.

ANd I can totally understand why you would continue to sleep with her. To me, my stbx was...hell, still is the most beautiful woman in the world to me, and our sex life was always fantastic. But sometimes bro, its just not worth the heartache.

Hang in there, you've got friends here.


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## chitown (Feb 22, 2010)

HappyAtLast said:


> What are her reasons for divorce? Sounds like she wants the best of both worlds-to be on her own, but to have you available when she wants you. You say you've accepted the divorce for what it is and won't try to save it, but you also want her back. I wish I had some encouraging words for you, but it sounds like she's already made up her mind.


I would love to save my marriage but can't try to save it anymore. It can't be a one sided with me being the only one trying to save the marriage. This is why i've said to myself that i accept it and will move on. 

I also personally feel that sometimes people don't realize what they have till its gone. She still has had me even going through this separation and divorce. She has still had me and knows it. So not anymore.


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## chitown (Feb 22, 2010)

Cgreene21 said:


> I'm not a woman, but you are being played bro.
> 
> My situation was similar to yours, only there was no physical contact between us. She kept me in the apartment, led me on with hopes of reconcilation, going out with me and spending time with me...
> 
> ...


Dude, I hear you! I do feel played but not anymore will I stand for it. 

She has told me on a couple occasions that part of her doesnt want to let me go. It's like she wants her cake and to eat it to.

I know shes thinking I wont be able to hold out much longer on not having sex with her. I have noticed her making sexual comments to me when we've talked lately which is her trying to get me thinking. Well it's not going to happen. This is one bro thats been played enough.

Thanks for the reply its very much appreciated.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

My advice...don't become "needy" and pursue her.

Just behave as if you have better things to do...and do them!

Go on a date or two. Nothing heavy....just dinner or lunch. 

Smile if you come across her. Look like you are taking good care of yourself.

Most importantly....keep focusing on what's eating you inside. Read some books and do some soul searching. We all have something that we can work on.


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## chitown (Feb 22, 2010)

Corpuswife said:


> My advice...don't become "needy" and pursue her.
> 
> Just behave as if you have better things to do...and do them!
> 
> ...


don't you think if she found out I was going on a date she would be pissed? wouldnt that ruin a chance of fixing the marriage?


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## ducky (Feb 17, 2010)

chitown said:


> don't you think if she found out I was going on a date she would be pissed? wouldnt that ruin a chance of fixing the marriage?


Is she dating?

I think you should absolutely stop pursuing her. Be friendly but find things to do with friends and on your own that make you happy. Let her pursue you. There have been some guys on the site who have posted about a book, I think it is Alpha Male - Beta Male, sounds like it would have some helpful info.

Good luck


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## Cgreene21 (Feb 11, 2010)

Does it matter if she is dating? She isn't taking your feelings into consideration at all, why give her the satisfaction of knowing that you intend to wait it out? 

Take some of the power back and do what you want. If she gets mad, so what? If she is getting mad, than at least she still cares. If she still cares, than there is still hope. 

If you show her that you are constantly available to her, she's going to take advantage of you. She might have a moment of weakness, you give into her, and you're right back to where you started my friend. Or worse.

And who knows, you might acually go on a date and realize that you deserve better than what she's been giving you.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Cgreene21 said:


> Take some of the power back and do what you want. If she gets mad, so what? If *she is getting mad, than at least she still cares. If she still cares, than there is still hope. *
> 
> *If you show her that you are constantly available to her, she's going to take advantage of you. * She might have a moment of weakness, you give into her, and you're right back to where you started my friend. Or worse.
> 
> And who knows, *you might acually *go on a date and *realize that you deserve better than what she's been giving you*.


:iagree:


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## chitown (Feb 22, 2010)

ducky said:


> Is she dating?
> 
> I think you should absolutely stop pursuing her. Be friendly but find things to do with friends and on your own that make you happy. Let her pursue you. There have been some guys on the site who have posted about a book, I think it is Alpha Male - Beta Male, sounds like it would have some helpful info.
> 
> Good luck


I've asked her if shes dating and shes told me she doesnt have time to date and doesnt think dating is a good idea for her right now. However, I question wether I believe her half the time because i've caught her in several lies during the separation.


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## chitown (Feb 22, 2010)

Cgreene21 said:


> Does it matter if she is dating? She isn't taking your feelings into consideration at all, why give her the satisfaction of knowing that you intend to wait it out?
> 
> Take some of the power back and do what you want. If she gets mad, so what? If she is getting mad, than at least she still cares. If she still cares, than there is still hope.
> 
> ...



This post was very uplifting for me and I needed it. I need to take back the power and allow her to pursue me and if shes doesnt then it wasn't meant to be.

Your also right, maybe if I go out on a date I may find someone that wont treat me like that. 

Thanks to everyone for all the advice its greatly appreciated.


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## chitown (Feb 22, 2010)

I've doing a lot of reading on this topic and it does seem to me that the people that have got there wife or husband back after they filed for divorce are the ones that just said eff it and went about there business and stopped all contact.

I wonder why that works?


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

It really doesn't matter if she's dating.

This dating "thing" will be about you. Don't have sex or get all serious with the dates...have fun. Let her know that you will begin dating. She will be pissed. Then...she may have unexpected feeling towards letting you go.

Does this work all of the time. NO. 

However, the dating may boost your confidence anyway and keep you busy.

I normally would say wait until you are divorced...don't muddy the waters. My opinion has changed as long as you don't get involved.


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## chitown (Feb 22, 2010)

I've read many posts about how the wife was 100 percent ready to get divorced the suddenly changes her mind after the husband decides to go his own way? I mean why does the woman wait? Why does she not try and say shes changed her mind while the husband is telling her how much he loves and misses her? Instead the wife waits until the husband says the hell with it, im moving on?

Im sure many have read those same kind of posts. Im just curious is to why a woman waits until the man has giving up?


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

chitown~

To some small degree I disagree with CorpusWife but not entirely. I would disagree with "going out on dates" for the fun of it for two reasons: #1-you are not single and thus not available yet, and #2-the woman you'd be dating needs to be considered. What happens if you date a lady "just for fun" and she really a wonderful person? Smart, funny, beautiful inside and out? You could easily put yourself into the position of thinking of her rather than thinking of your wife, and we don't want to go there right now. There's enough going on!  Also, what if the lady meets you and just thinks you are awesome? Well... we all know you are  but I mean she could start to have feelings for you and then what "Sorry I need to go back to my wife now--I was just using you for an experiment." That's not too cool. 

However, CorpusWife really does have the right idea and that's why I wanted to talk to you about this: 


chitown said:


> I've doing a lot of reading on this topic and it does seem to me that the people that have got there wife or husband back after they filed for divorce are the ones that just said eff it and went about there business and stopped all contact.
> 
> I wonder why that works?


I don't think so much that the spouses say "Eff it". If you think about it, if you told your wife "I am not too happy and I'm thinking about leaving" and she got all needy and begged you and hung on your leg...would that make you think "Huh I want someone who acts like that--all weak and clingy"? Or would you want someone who would stand on their own two feet and be a little brave and say, "I want you in my life but I'm willing to admit I made some mistakes."? See the difference?

This is why overall I think CorpusWife is exactly right on. If you make promises and say you love her so much, your wife will likely think "Yeah yeah I've heard all this before and nothing changes." So don't say "Eff it" ... say "I want you in my life but I am perfectly capable of living a happy, fulfilling life without you too." If you just eff it, that's like saying you don't care and can't be bothered anymore, and that's like closing your heart and being hard. Nope, this method of taking back your power is like saying you do care, very much, but it's a choice and you are a grown up, able man who can be strong and get on with life and still be a good man. 

Make sense? That's why it works. Because when it's all begging and "I love you don't leave" that is something that will smother and kill because you don't respect yourself at all. This way--the "take back your power way" means that you would love to have her back but you respect yourself too much to be treated poorly.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

This topic is discussed thoroughly in Dr. Dobson's book..."When Love Must Be Tough." 

It's a basic book but encourages the one being left to gain their confidence and composure during the "tough love" phase or no contact.

Of course, Dr. Dobson in no way advocates dating. I'm not saying dating the same woman multiple times. Date different women and be truthful. It's not about a relationship..it's dinner. 
No matter how you see it...it's like playing a game. I'm not "politically correct" in my words with marriage being a game. It's more of a lack of a better choice of words.

The game part of this is having your wife uncover feelings that she thought were lost. It doesn't work all of the time. 

Part of Dobson's book mentions the game of chasing (needy) and imagining your spouse in a cage. Once you open that cage door...to release them (quit chasing)...they look out of the cage and wonder...."do I really want to go."


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Yep I'm familiar with Dobson's book and this site about it: "Love Must Be Tough". That's why I overall agree with the concept but just not the exact dating application. Now, if chitown has a female cousin and they meet at Applebees and catch up on old times.... :smthumbup: But I think asking someone out, trolling singles places for a "date" etc. is really asking for trouble in a marriage that's already vulnerable. In my personal opinion, it's not too wise to convince a spouse to end their affair by flirting with one yourself! That's when it gets real weird. 

And yeah I get that it can be viewed as a "game." That's just a way of looking at it or an image so you can picture it, but this is not "hinting" or "playing head games." Nope, this is just being right up front. If the spouse wants out--let them leave. You're an adult who can have a happy, fulfilling life without them. You *choose* to be here, and you would want to be with someone who would *choose* to be with you. So let them go but also let them experience the natural consequence of the choice. That means no contact. No getting good needs met by A and money needs met by B. NOPE! If they want to leave...let them leave. You can keep working on you and becoming a better person. 

Thus, I would HIGHLY suggest going to a ballgame with guy friends, or like me-- I joined a support group and me and my lady-friends have movie nights on Fridays and went out to eat and to a movie together. It was fun. It was a way of having someone supportive who liked me. It was encouraging. It was faithful.  Faithful is good.


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## deanbert74 (Dec 9, 2009)

What reasons has she given for wanting a divorce? Was this sudden out of the blue or were there problems all along? Did you go the counseling route and exhaust all those options? Did you marry early in life? How old are your kids? How long have you been married and how old are both of you?

Need more info to give advice on what shes got going on in her head.

I definitely wouldn't start dating, you obviously still love and want to be with her, how fair is that to do to other women. Even if its casual, your head and heart aren't in it so don't waste your time. I would start spending time with friends and get out there socially. If you have drifted away from friends, get back in touch with them, stay busy so your not spending all your time thinking about the situation.

I would keep up with the no physical contact thing. Thats just unhealthy for you right now. You are emotionally connected still and she has her own reasons for wanting to keep that aspect of your relationship going. You can't keep your head clear with that still going on. 

I would stop communicating except when absolutely necessary. You are too accessible right now. She knows your there and you still want her. This is a turnoff. When you do talk to her, keep it to the point and short. She needs to know that she isn't in control of you and how this is going to go anymore. Take the control of you back. I guarantee you will see a change in her. She will want to know what has changed, and try to get that control she had back. 

Not sure how happy you are with your body or appearance, but if you could benefit from the gym, a new wardrobe, or a makeover-go for it. The best you look the better you feel about yourself and the more confident you will be. These changes will get her attention too, and if things don't work out with her, you are on the right path to feeling good about yourself and starting over.

My husband and I split for 6mos, he filed for divorce. During our separation he had fun with the guys and ran around without any responsibility. He actually entertained the thought of getting divorced and maybe working it out down the road, I was like oh hell no! It was then or never, period! In the end he found the grass wasn't greener, and he did want a wife and a family, not to mention he was gonna have to pay throught the ass. We reconciled about a month before our divorce was finalized, so its not over til you sign those papers. 

If staying married is what you truely want, then stay postive, but be realistic that this may not work itself out. Good luck, I hope some of my advice helps!


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## chitown (Feb 22, 2010)

Affaircare said:


> Yep I'm familiar with Dobson's book and this site about it: "Love Must Be Tough". That's why I overall agree with the concept but just not the exact dating application. Now, if chitown has a female cousin and they meet at Applebees and catch up on old times.... :smthumbup: But I think asking someone out, trolling singles places for a "date" etc. is really asking for trouble in a marriage that's already vulnerable. In my personal opinion, it's not too wise to convince a spouse to end their affair by flirting with one yourself! That's when it gets real weird.
> 
> And yeah I get that it can be viewed as a "game." That's just a way of looking at it or an image so you can picture it, but this is not "hinting" or "playing head games." Nope, this is just being right up front. If the spouse wants out--let them leave. You're an adult who can have a happy, fulfilling life without them. You *choose* to be here, and you would want to be with someone who would *choose* to be with you. So let them go but also let them experience the natural consequence of the choice. That means no contact. No getting good needs met by A and money needs met by B. NOPE! If they want to leave...let them leave. You can keep working on you and becoming a better person.
> 
> Thus, I would HIGHLY suggest going to a ballgame with guy friends, or like me-- I joined a support group and me and my lady-friends have movie nights on Fridays and went out to eat and to a movie together. It was fun. It was a way of having someone supportive who liked me. It was encouraging. It was faithful.  Faithful is good.


Affaircare, thank you for both post replys. I'm so glad I found this web site it has helped me more than you can possibly know. For the last two weeks i've pretty much had limited contact and had told my wife that I will not fight with her about the divorce. I told her if this is what she wants then I accept it and will move on and be fine. 

Well tonight she has her paper work at the house and needs to sign it. I stopped over to see my kids for a few min tonight and she was supposed to give me her signed paper work to drop off at the attorney's office. Then im supposed to sign mine tomorrow. She told me she can't sign them right now, not in front of me because something is keeping her from signing right now and she doesnt know what it is. Im like OK. Well then let me know when you sign them as im going there tomorrow to sign mine.

So right now it's up in the air at the moment. 

Thank you for the advice it's very much appreciated.


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## chitown (Feb 22, 2010)

Corpuswife said:


> This topic is discussed thoroughly in Dr. Dobson's book..."When Love Must Be Tough."
> 
> It's a basic book but encourages the one being left to gain their confidence and composure during the "tough love" phase or no contact.
> 
> ...


Corpus, thank you again for your advice it's very much appreciated. I wrote on my post reply above what my current situation is tonight.


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## chitown (Feb 22, 2010)

deanbert74 said:


> What reasons has she given for wanting a divorce? Was this sudden out of the blue or were there problems all along? Did you go the counseling route and exhaust all those options? Did you marry early in life? How old are your kids? How long have you been married and how old are both of you?
> 
> Need more info to give advice on what shes got going on in her head.
> 
> ...



Deanbert, thank you for taken the time to give me some sound advice. I'm glad I have this site and people like you and the others to help me through this very difficult time in my life.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I understand your situation.....I didn't take my advice regarding dating. I was married 25 years and now divorced since the beginning of January. 

I tried it all-no regrets. I just didn't date-it probably wouldn't have helped me. It's the only thing I didn't do as I am a Christian and it conflicted with my values. However, not everyone feels the same way. I was just "throwing" it out there.

It's good that she is pausing before signing the papers. Don't mention the signing. Let her take her time-no pressure. You are already pretty much doing that!

I think that you are doing a wonderful job.


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## chitown (Feb 22, 2010)

Well, she signed the papers and dropped them off at the attorneys office at lunch time. So I made the trip and signed mine. I will not fight her on this. I don't want to be with someone that doesnt want to be with me.

Any and all contact with her will cease. The only time I will talk with her is if it has to do with the kids. I will also make sure it's not BS that shes trying to ask just to talk to me when she gets lonely. I already put a stop to the sex and will now start dating. Im not getting into any serious relationship for at least a year. Those are my terms. I need time to heal from this marriage. However, I will go and date because I do have physical needs lol. 

Thank you to all that has giving me great advice. This is a great forum to have available.


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## cimunique (Mar 6, 2010)

i'm not sure what u did or if u did anything to make ur wife want a divorce ... yet it's here. .. Try talking to her dueing pillow sex. u know right after sex... asking her one question . Why do u want to divorce me ....? listen to her answer without rebuttal. find out the things she was lacking from the relationship. Most men tend to forget the thing that got ur woman, she still needs on a weekly bases. it does not seem sex was you guys problem , maybe it was communication. she still follow bible laws about being married. Its against gods law to have sex with anyone but ur husband or wife while u r still married. if she believes in god , then god says he Hates Divorce. I stongly believe for every problem their is a solution. no problem is unfixable un less it's a square root problem . lol ask her if this the best solution for her? if she says YES then give her the divorce , yet become her shinning knight in armour all over again. my great great grandmother told me , she once left . my great grandfather refused to let another man steal her heart , so he became her pursuitor all over again. she stated until then she had forgot why she ever feel in love with him at first. so try something old instead of something new.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

If you're in the middle of divorce I really wouldn't touch her sexually. Just far too risky. Think rape changes or spermjacking.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Hi there,
I would suggest you still have sex with your wife and make sure your touch really shows her how much you love her.....
She isn't totally gone if she says a part of her can't let go, this will take some time to change, a little touch of the shoulder during the day, a smile, a nice word and showing her the man she fell in love with in the first place will have great value....
It's called a Plan A, make your life her soft spot even if you are the only one working at it for now......what have you to lose.....marriages are worth a shot.....
I have turned things around doing exactly what I suggested, my hubby had an affair and told me he wanted to go to her and has changed his thinking on the whole thing today.....
we aren't better yet, but with a little more patience and some MC I feel we at least have a shot at keeping things together.....


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