# New here. Hi. I came to vent.



## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

I am really not sure what's going on over here. I didn't even read anything before I signed up... but I do need a place to vent a little bit and I feel that some manly support will be in order.

So, hi 

I used to read a lot about EQ (which is exactly like IQ, except instead of intelligence it refers to emotional). It says that some people have high EQ and therefore can better handle stressful situation, and some just don't have enough of it.

What do you think, how does it feel to be married to someone who has very little of it? Or maybe none?

What it basically means is that she acts upon her emotions. If she is under stress, she will never admit and say "I am scared", "I am sad", "I can't do it anymore." Rather she will find ways to blame anyone and anything for whatever goes wrong. And the bigger the stress is, the more crazy it sounds.

So let's talk about what happened today, just to give you a taste of what I am sayin'. I put the oldest kid to bed while she tried putting the baby to sleep. No luck for her. I already feel where we are heading, so I suggest she take care of the oldest while I will take care of the baby.

Great, the baby is sleeping.

I go out to take care of something (for myself) and come back. Still didn't eat dinner. The baby woke up. She goes up, and comes down in a second. "My back is hurting me" she complains.

I say "okay, but I didn't eat dinner yet so I will go up to the baby in few minutes" to which she replies "okay, so I will turn the monitor off so you won't hear the baby cry."

Now, I know many people believe that you should let your baby cry (till he or she are blue, and just gave up). I really hate that approach but can't argue, I do get very well where you are coming from. After sleepless nights you sometimes just want to sleep and can't think straight. Again, I really don't like it but do understand it.

But she never planned it, never mind did it in the past. It just NOW that she is tired/upset or whatever, that on the spur of the moment she decided that she doesn't take care of the baby.

Okay. I can't handle my baby crying. I go up, and I stay up for 3 hours! I did expect it to happen since I know my wife very well.

She comes up, very upset. "I want to let you know that I am very upset with you." [You? upset with me? did you realize that someone else should be upset here?] And then goes on to explain that since the baby is up now (after 3 hours of rocking/falling a sleep/ waking up/ mind you) she will have a hard time falling a sleep and it's my fault...

That's it. I feel so much better now that I wrote my story. Someone, somewhere in the world will read this and laugh - or at least I hope so. 

BTW, I don't need any advice of "why are you staying with her just divorce her", but thanks anyway.


----------



## WorldsApart (May 5, 2011)

Babies make people crazy 

My wife and I had 2 children 22 months apart. 4 months into the first child, my wife discovered the joys of co-sleeping. So with #2 on his way, it was time to move the now 2 year child out of our bed. It was a 6 month long battle to get her to sleep in her own bedroom. Funny enough, after that bedtime was the easiest part of the day for both of them.


----------



## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

No way. Don't blame the baby for that... she is was always like that - blaming me for whatever goes wrong in the house or outside...

I think I suffer from the nice guy syndrome. I have to read about it.


----------



## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

You may. 

You wife seems full of fitness tests. This is one of them. Truthfully, you need to stand up to them. Don't be afraid of disagreements if you are. They have thier place and function. And one of them is getting respect from your wife. 

Me, I would have just told her that I understand that a cholicy or fussy sleepless baby is the worst torture ever invented for parents, but she has no right to blame you for the baby not sleeping.

Or, just give her a stern look, and say, I can't believe you just said that. Then go cold until she apologizes. 

Search boundary testing handbook in men's clubhouse. 

Also, read up on Nice Guys. Maybe you just are. Hey! Join the club! But the journey out of that Nice Guy trap is sure a ride! You may just discover untapped hidden strength in you that you completely forgot about.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

why are you staying with her just divorce her...oh sorry, wrong thread. never mind, carry on.


----------



## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

Very nice responses so far. I do think I have to stand up and start demanding respect from my wife. I will have to read the book...

Meanwhile, I am glad I found this place and hope this will be very beneficial for my marriage.

Cheers


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

joshbjoshb said:


> Very nice responses so far. I do think I have to stand up and start demanding respect from my wife. I will have to read the book...
> 
> Meanwhile, I am glad I found this place and hope this will be very beneficial for my marriage.
> 
> Cheers


Josh,

Read this link.

Prepare for an epiphany.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18347-fitness-tests.html


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

when I finally got fed up with a cranky wife and a cranky baby I told the wife to go shopping and I would take care of it. when she left I took my first son (9 months ) and put him in the crib the first night he cried for an hour and then slept throught the night. the 2nd night it took 45mins the 3rd night it took 15mins the fourth night 5 mins.

It was not easy it sucked big time to hear him crying and banging around but it was well worth it .

when we had son # 2 she said will you teach this one how to sleep and I said sure same exact senario.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

CM,
Perfect example of teamwork. I agree listening to a baby cry is difficult. However it is typically even harder for a woman - their hard wired nurture reflex is stronger. It is great that you did this and that she appreciated and respected what you did. 




chillymorn said:


> when I finally got fed up with a cranky wife and a cranky baby I told the wife to go shopping and I would take care of it. when she left I took my first son (9 months ) and put him in the crib the first night he cried for an hour and then slept throught the night. the 2nd night it took 45mins the 3rd night it took 15mins the fourth night 5 mins.
> 
> It was not easy it sucked big time to hear him crying and banging around but it was well worth it .
> 
> when we had son # 2 she said will you teach this one how to sleep and I said sure same exact senario.


----------



## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

Well, hi again everyone and thanks for your replies!

Well, my point is still the same. Every time my wife has an anger attack I realized that she really has problem with expressing her emotions. 

This is not only about me. This is with her mother, her sisters... whenever she is getting upset she just loses it, talking very harshly, and doesn't get why people hang up the phone on her.

For example, we were just discussing something that her sister has to take care of. In no time she is already calling her sister, and then upset why her sister is so upset and hanged up the phone when she spoke so nicely. Well, for sure she did speak nicely this time but she brought up such a sensitive issue, didn't think it before talking, and the results were just so bad...

I guess she just has a very low EQ, very hard time to deal with emotions, and it's not about me only.

How do you live with such a person? I am so exactly the opposite, always careful in what I am saying, trying to avoid any knee-jerk reaction... 

I don't know if you can help me with that.

One thing for sure: I have to make sure to be a man and not let her moods ruin my day.

It's not always easy. I found that its easier when I am not hungry and when I have some type of satisfaction in work etc.

Anyways, enough for today. That's was my venting. I guess I will keep doing so in this thread. At least I feel someone is reading my venting and maybe - just maybe - feels that he knows what I am talking about.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Believe me, we do know.


----------



## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

Josh . . . there are a few things about your posts that sound oddly familiar. The bit about "I'll turn off the monitor so you won't hear the baby," was the first one. A little passive-aggressive or something along these lines. I've beenmarried 19 years and only in the past few years have I been able to figure out that oftentimes, she has some other issue she's dealing with and I somehow get sucked into a confrontation. You and I corresponded on another chat about control issues and I think for my wife, when she's feeling that she can't control some aspect of her life, she finds (creates?) one that she an at least confront (and sucks me in). For example- was it really the baby that kept your wife up, or something else? I also will get attitude (not directly) for doing something around the house that she thinks is her 'job' or responsibility - as if she's failed at her job. Like, maybe your wife really felt that putting the baby down was her role - not yours - but you did it and thus she's failed (in her mind). Apologies for babbling on so much here - not meaning to hijack your thread.


----------



## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

hay jay

No reason to apologize at all! This is why I am here for. Maybe to find someone that went through something similiar to my situation who can help... 

What you say makes so much sense. You have to hear the craziest from last night. I did something nice with the kids at dinner, and she said "well, thank you for doing that, but I feel that you do it because you don't think that I am a good mother."

She is so full of insecurities! But then, how much can I give her security? At the beginning of our marriage I used to always try to complement her, say how she is good and try to reinforce what I thought was a major problem by her, the lack of self value.

But when you give and give and just get hit back - again due the major insecurity she has - you just give up.

I do thank you for taking from your time. Your short words really gave me insight.

A friend of her suggested she read the surrendered wife book. I looked a bit into it. What an amazing book! This is exactly what she needs: to stop thinking she can change me (and the entire world, for that matter since she has very similar issues with her family) and to start taking care of herself. 

She did lately started going to a gym and I hope she keeps up with it.


----------



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Two words. Right fight.


----------



## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

Josh - maybe our wives are long-lost sisters they never knew they had. Yes, lots on insecurity for my wife - she needs a lot of affirmations all around - and it does get tiring. (Although there seems less of it now - so many years out).

The bit about stop taking care of everyone else and taking care of herself is also an issue. Is your wife a stay-at-home-mother by chance? I think for my wife this was an issue for awhile - her whole being was about well-care for kids, clean house, meals on the table etc. and this, in the big scheme of things, is a fairly narrow way to define oneself. Good that your wife is going to the gym - the exercise alone might help her clear her head a bit (or something like that).


----------



## Kricket (May 10, 2011)

Is this her normal behavior? Is it possible that she is suffering from postpartum depression?

My son is now 11 months old and we had a hell of a time when he was born. He was allergic to milk protein and as a result, he had colic 24/7. We were lucky to get 4 hours of sleep a night and some nights it was 2 or 3. While I am one of those mothers who will hold and comfort a crying baby no matter what, I still had my moments where I thought somehow I was causing him to cry so much by being a bad mother. 

It sounds like your wife's behavior may be amplified by the baby. I don't know how old the baby is, but her hormones may not have reached their normal levels just yet. If so, you should really consider looking into some postpartum depression sites just to check to make she is handling things okay.


----------



## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I was an angry wife so you have my total sympathy. It took lots of therapy to fix me. My therapist says when learning emotions I stopped at A for anger. It's the only emotion I knew so I referred to it often. She said what I frequently expressed as anger was really overwhelmed, surprised, frustrated, fatigued, etc. And insecure doesn't even begin to describe me. I was a bottomless pit of neediness. It showed up in compulsions like being a perfectionist. My belief was I was unlovable unless I was perfect. I was incredibly hard on myself. 

Now here is the bad news. My husband could have done everything right, said all the right things and in my case it wouldn't have made a darn bit of difference. He couldn't fix me only I could do that. The best thing you can do (aside from encouraging her to seek help) is to set healthy boundaries. She needs to own her feelings instead of dumping or blaming them on you aka yes you need to pass fitness tests.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

In fact, if you don't pass fitness tests, you will be quickly steamrolled out of your own life.


----------



## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> I was an angry wife so you have my total sympathy. It took lots of therapy to fix me. My therapist says when learning emotions I stopped at A for anger. It's the only emotion I knew so I referred to it often. She said what I frequently expressed as anger was really overwhelmed, surprised, frustrated, fatigued, etc. And insecure doesn't even begin to describe me. I was a bottomless pit of neediness. It showed up in compulsions like being a perfectionist. My belief was I was unlovable unless I was perfect. I was incredibly hard on myself.
> 
> Now here is the bad news. My husband could have done everything right, said all the right things and in my case it wouldn't have made a darn bit of difference. He couldn't fix me only I could do that. The best thing you can do (aside from encouraging her to seek help) is to set healthy boundaries. She needs to own her feelings instead of dumping or blaming them on you aka yes you need to pass fitness tests.


Oh, you sound just like my wife.

What was the turning point in your life?


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

joshbjoshb said:


> Oh, you sound just like my wife.
> 
> What was the turning point in your life?


I've asked her the same thing


----------



## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

On a early morning (very early!) and a weekend, just checking up my thread after a night in which I got some yelling and cursing. I replied as calmly as I was able to be:

"I am not talking to you this way and will not response when you talk to me this way".

Which didn't quite calm her. At least I went back to sleep 

The more I think of it, this is what I need. To be strong, to set my boundaries. And to hope that maybe one day she will realize what type of a mistake she is making... 

Interesting anecdote:

She went with my kid somewhere where someone yelled at her. She felt so attacked, and when she got home she told me - why is it that whenever I am outside and being attacked, I am always so scared and never defending myself, but yet so aggressive at home with you?

Sweet, no?

Sometimes she has some moments where she see things and gets it... I wish they would come more often, more likely I wish she will have a major "lighting" in her head and finally seek counseling.


----------



## gravis420 (Jul 17, 2011)

Josh- just joined myself and for similar reasons.needed a place to vent and a place to emotionally regroup. My W is full of fitness test. Hell half of my day is filled with em'. But Inthink I found away to deal with the "Princess" syndrome. I stop playing her games. I aint gonna tell you to get divorced, Just stop playing the games. Refuse to take the fitness tests. Dont think that she knows you dont like for your baby to cry. Bet your ass she knows.Thats why she puts you in a posistion to hear your baby cry. You like to eat at a certain time or keep a certain schedule? but she refuses or is suddenly ucapable of doing things or following the schedule?? Puts you on tilt, really gets your goat right? Yep I know it all to well. I will only tel you to stop playing her games. stop participating in these fitness tests. Then she will have to adjust/reevaluate her behavior.


----------



## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

Hey gravis.

First, if you want to vent open your own thread and don't hijack mine - just kidding!

But welcome. The past few days since I joined really helped me with having more strength and knowing how to defend myself in front of my wife's attacks. I do know that the relief I feel now is only temporary since earlier or later she might boil again and who knows how will I react, but so far so good. TG.

Now for you. You wrote about "fitness test" but I think that we must not generalize all women who have a nice guy in their marriage. Some of them are just rough and angry people by nature. If you have one of those, well I feel sorry for you. What did you think in the first place?

But some of them, me included, have wives who just deal with some emotional issues. I always see it by the way she treat everyone else and those who are close to her (me and her family). It seems like she has a lot of weakness in her, very scared and afraid, but because she feels comfortable with us she is trying to at least feel some control by trying to control us.

Well, I don't think its so much a fitness test. I do think that its more of a problem of strong lack of self esteem.

I know I can't change it. She has to realize what's the problem and do something about it. But what I CAN do is to be myself, and not let myself feel like garbage every time she lets it out on me.

I believe it will also be so much healthier for her and led her in the right direction, at least one step.


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> CM,
> Perfect example of teamwork. I agree listening to a baby cry is difficult. However it is typically even harder for a woman - their hard wired nurture reflex is stronger. It is great that you did this and that she appreciated and respected what you did.


Thanks mem


----------

