# Am I being Paranoid for no Reason?



## Wonderingnow (Dec 20, 2012)

Wife is from Colombia, does not have any ex-boyfriends on facebook. However, she is still good friends with a sister of an ex-boyfriend and considers her a close friend, even though my wife is extremely social and has dozens of "close friends". Right now she is visiting her family in Colombia for three weeks and I know she was seeing that sister again. Checking on her facebook, she "liked" a bunch of the sisters pics, including one where the ex-boyfriend was in it together with her. 

She's going out at least twice a week to drink with her old friends and stays out till 1-2 AM. 

Is this disrespectful and should I start a fight or should I let it go? Should I get a keylogger to check up on her activities while she was away? 



The relationship with my wife is awesome besides the current distance. Sex is frequent and great. However, I have a hard time with trust after being cheated on in a previous 7 year marriage.


----------



## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

If she's never given you reason not to trust her you should probably own your own sh!t.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Its never a bad idea to protect your self from deciet. In addition its best to protect your marrige by investigating the possibliity that distance *doesn't* make the heart grow founder. You may catch something before it gets out of hand. So go for it!


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Wonderingnow said:


> Wife is from Colombia, does not have any ex-boyfriends on facebook. However, she is still good friends with a sister of an ex-boyfriend and considers her a close friend, even though my wife is extremely social and has dozens of "close friends". Right now she is visiting her family in Colombia for three weeks and I know she was seeing that sister again. Checking on her facebook, she "liked" a bunch of the sisters pics, including one where the ex-boyfriend was in it together with her.
> 
> She's going out at least twice a week to drink with her old friends and stays out till 1-2 AM.
> 
> ...


If she were home with you, would you be happy with her going out twice a week to drink with "old friends" until 1-2 am? She's the same person in Colombia as she is home. What's inappropriate is inappropriate there. Are her friends only available to see her in the middle of the night? And if so, can't they see each other anywhere else but in nightclubs where single people go to get drunk and hook up? Your wife is not single.

Married people who like to go out and get drunk in nightclubs without their spouses will disagree, but that is not something married people do. They don't date other people, and they don't put themselves in positions where they will be intoxicated with members of the opposite sex hitting on them.

So, I see no problem in letting her know how you feel.

I am guessing that your wife was single when she lived in Colombia, married you and left, and now when she returned she is going out with all of her old single friends and doing all of the things they did when they were single. That is not good in any country.


----------



## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

tread lightly. besides a photo, among a bunch of photos liked on facebook that happened to include the brother of her friend, is there any reason to suspect anything else? if she is young and hasn't seen her friends for awhile, staying out late is not necessarily unusual. 
as to comparing if she were home with you and going out, not the same. she isn't home with you. she is with family and friends elsewhere. Is it a fair assumption if you were there with her, you'd be going out with her? You didn't say she was going out getting drunk, only that she is going out drinking. Be careful not to jump to conclusions.
tread lightly


----------



## ItsGonnabeAlright (Nov 19, 2012)

If you want to check up on her that's fine, but if she chooses to cheat, no amount of keylogging will prevent her from doing so. You are not there, and you will never know. What if she really doesn't like her ex, but finds another person? Someone who doesn't even own a computer? 
The point is, if she is going to cheat, you can't stop her. It seems as though you have a good relationship, don't ruin it by becoming a controlling, paranoid guy.


----------



## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> If she were home with you, would you be happy with her going out twice a week to drink with "old friends" until 1-2 am? She's the same person in Colombia as she is home. What's inappropriate is inappropriate there. Are her friends only available to see her in the middle of the night? And if so, can't they see each other anywhere else but in nightclubs where single people go to get drunk and hook up? Your wife is not single.
> 
> Married people who like to go out and get drunk in nightclubs without their spouses will disagree, but that is not something married people do. They don't date other people, and they don't put themselves in positions where they will be intoxicated with members of the opposite sex hitting on them.
> 
> ...


While I agree with the sentiment here, and the basic principles, I don't agree that this is necessarily how you should react. You will come across as paranoid and controlling, and if she is 100% dedicated to you, the mistrust will upset her hugely as it is affecting her happy holiday catching up with friends and family...though it does depend on how delicately you handle it and how sensitive and responsive she is to your needs. 

How are things at home - does she go out and party with friends at all, or does she only do daytime visits for a cup of tea now she is married? I doubt this is the case. 

If she goes out with her friends at home, you can't exactly stop her because she is away. Voice your concerns? yes. Stop her going out and lay down the law? you can but I think that would backfire on you. It could be a catalyst for a whole host of issues. If she complies, you will be 'happy' and she will not be. And then you have a pissed off wife to look forward to when you reunite. If she says yes to shut you up, that she will stop but goes out anyway, that will cause huge upset and paranoia on your part and she will have a very pissed off and jealous husband to look forward to coming home to, with a host of issues to thrash out on her return. Misery! If you lay down the law I think only misery will result.

Unless.......Is she a terrible flirt after a few drinks? Does she have sex on the 1st date? Does she get so drunk she does not know what she is doing? Does she give you any concern that her boundaries are flaky? If so, this is the only good reason you have to lay down the law.

If it were me and I was back home visiting my old close friends and my family who I had not seen for how long (?) I would be out partying and living it up with them all. I would be having a ball and letting my hair down and having a great time seeing all those people I hadn't seen in so long. If my husband laid down the law like the above suggests I would be extremely unhappy and it would put a huge cloud of misery and pissed offness over my hol. And for what? If she is likely to cheat, would approaching like this make it less likely? 

I think you have every right to voice your concerns, to tell her your worries, to ask her to be careful, to not put herself in situations that could lead to other things, to promise to drink only a certain amount, to pace herself, to please be careful and to come home to you in one whole piece. If she is a good wife she will understand your concerns and be receptive to allaying your fears.

She may well have worries and concerns about you too! Leaving her husband on his own to do as he pleases for 3 weeks!


----------



## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Wonderingnow said:


> Is this disrespectful and should I start a fight or should I let it go?


Why is it one or the other, either "let it go" or "start a fight"?

How about sitting down with her and discussing your concerns in an open, communicative way, and give her the opportunity to address them?


----------

