# Stonewalling husband



## Meagan (Apr 30, 2016)

I am sorry this is going to be a very very long post.

Background
I grew up in a broken family. Parents fighting being abusive to each other. Father being drunk and threatening mum with a chopper. Parents never spoke to each other civilly. There was never a full family outing as far as I can remember. Never been with the family together. Mum was overly strict because I was the last child born in the 70s and she could never understand anything about me. My siblings were all born in the 60s. As I grew up I was never happy at home. School was my escape. I always wish I had cancer and died young. I never dated any guy until I was 18.

Marriage
I met my husband at a youth club. He was very handsome. I am a plain Jane. I was attracted by his looks. He also seemed like a gentleman. He was loving, gave all the attention and affection I needed. I was a teacher then and he had only middle school certification. He was jobless and found him a job. While we were dating he got diabetes at the age of 21. I loved him to the core. He became a type one diabetic. Everyone around me told not to marry him but I loved him and did not want to give up on him. They told me of the complications that he would get but I was stubborn.
Meanwhile he introduced me to his family. His family and my family are worlds apart. They live live like anyway and my family has rules and regulations. Eg. sleep anytime wake up anytime 
eat anytime eat anything including junk 
no need to pray
no discipline
no need to follow traditions
His mothers first reaction to me was my son had better options. I just took it with a pinch of salt.
As time went on I tried to mingle with his family but was always treated as outsider. Any suggestion I gave fell on deaf ears. My brother in laws treated me like invisible. They never spoke to me. I tried to give gifts to everyone to impress them but they just kept me out of boundaries. 

My in laws bought a big house thinking that we would stay with them and contribute financially. My husband the decided that we should move out because there would be friction.
We bought a small house with a loan from my mum. He too wanted to move out as he didn't want to be controlled by his parents.

After our marriage bil ignoring me continued when we visited them. When went to their house, she would be all smiley in front of him and when goes off somewhere she would she ' you stole my son". 

I was too pissed that I told my husband that I didn't want to visit them anymore. I was pregnant with my first child. I told him he was free to visit them but my husband has this clingy behaviour whereever he goes to he must bring me along. Since I didn't go he didn't go too. 
I treated him so well cooking all the healthy dishes for him. BUt he was adored by my family. He was treated to many things and gifts. After my 1st son's birth, one day he told me he didn't want me in his life. He told me he was seeing someone and we were finished. I cried and cried not knowing what to do. I suggested counselling. I wanted to get back together. My son needed a father. First he was stubborn to get together. Later during counselling he said it was my temper when he spoke about his parents and my constant threat to suicide scared him. I realized my mistake. He said he had no contact with his parents. I knew what I had to do. I called his mother and apologized and asked her to make his son come to me. She spoke to him and he came back to me.

We continued our life happily. While we were happy we struggled financially because due my son's medical problem and some work place issues I quit my job to look after our two sons full time. My husband still was only in a low paying job. Bring $2000 a month. My main concern was to budget put food on the table, give my sons a good environment and education. Meanwhile my mother sponsored me to study degree. I did it while being a sahm. I used to borrow money form my mother for expenses and get all kinds of snide remarks. But life was good.

About ten years ago my husband started withdrawing again little by little very subtly. But I was still very busy trying to budget the family finances, work part time, look after the kids full time cook clean and everything else.i was dedicated wife and mum. Looking after my husbands healthy with the little we had, looking after 3 special needs sons and working part time to finance him. I dint have time to confront him. He was hospitalized several times and I stood by him. His parents only came much later.
BUt I noticed.
BUt my son's education came first. I just pretended nothing was wrong and continued life. I was still visiting my in laws. I and my children were still treated like outsiders. BIls continued ignoring me and children. Mil continued sweet talking. But never did anything for us. In 17 years i and my children and even husband did not receive even one gift from them no matter what occasion. I forgave them instead I gave them gifts and I gave them money. Meanwhile my husband supported me to set up my own business. We were better off financially. 
3 years ago
As the boys were growing up I felt my husband becoming more and more distant. He became passive aggressive. BTW he has never said I love you. He stopped cuddling me and even sitting beside me. He stopped having sex saying that he has yeast infection. I felt dejected. Everytime I ask if anything is wrong, he will stonewall. I will keep blaming myself for his lack of interest in me. Is it because I put on weight, I am ugly, I dont work in a stable job or something else? The more he stonewalls the more I become agitated, I continue . In the end he will either become aggressive and break things or say something to make me feel bad. Like its my fault. Even then if I try to rationalize and it seems that I am right he will shut me by saying that's why I dont like to talk to you. Because you make me feel stupid.
I cannot live like this anymore no affection from him at all. 
Bils only started to talk to me last year when they were about to get married. On the day of marriage so that the other family will think we are one happy family.
WHen things started going downhill, I resorted to mil asked to talk to her son. She promised me but made things worst. I had an argument with her and she slammed the phone on me.
I convinced my husband to go counselling but he only came once and refused to come again. The only reason he said was he missed his past carefree life in his parents home and his friends. He sees friends going outing posting on facebook. But I have never stopped him from going out with friends. He goes out everymonth for company dinners and stuff. I am the one with no friends and never go out with anyone except the kids. I feel so lonely.
We haven't spoken in 2 months, I am hurting. I have never loved anyone so deeply. I am so bitterly disappointed. I am contemplating divorce. I feel cheated after taking care of him so much.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

First, find a good therapist and start going. Second, MAKE some friends. Your therapist will tell you that you need friends; mine did, and she was right - it made all the difference in the world. Third, start speaking honestly to him, whether he gets upset or not. Your key problem is communication, and he needs to know how you feel. Fourth, remember the one key thing: you can't change him. You can only change yourself. But by changing yourself, you will likely see a difference in HIM.


----------

