# I think I may have turned a corner



## stillhoping (Aug 27, 2012)

I agreed to let my exH take me out for dinner for my birthday. He has never said anything other than that he wanted the D and that he doesn't want to change anything. Suddenly in the last 2 weeks, though, he friended several of my family members on Facebook, came by my house and spotted a truck in my driveway, sent me encouraging notes because I was preparing for an important exam, etc. We had a nice dinner, and as usual, when we spend time together, I find myself wondering why we aren't still together. He never seems to get how awful it feels and it isn't his fault, he just can't get it. I need to limit my exposure to him. That was the end of the line, my final inoculation from him. Time for me to accept he means what he says, he is done as my husband. Time for me to help him see I do NOT want to be his friend. Contact only as it relates to our children begins now! I still had a bunch of things to take care of related to our divorce, got them all ready to go this week, time to end this and move on.


----------



## stillhoping (Aug 27, 2012)

Good news, I have been able to stick to this for a week already! Nothing at all, and it feels good, in control. I had a great night out with friends and my son's friends last night to celebrate St. Patricks day and usually when he was missing, that was all I noticed. Last night, I thought, what a fool, he is missing this, a nice turn around. We sang Irish songs, toasted with 12 year old whiskey and had a blast.


----------



## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Congrats! I remember when I finally turned the corner in my relationship. It does feel good and feels final. Just be aware that sometimes it is difficult and you find yourself looking back. However, overall I've been able to stick with my decision and have been very happy about it. Come back here often and let us know how things are going! Glad you had a good time out last night!


----------



## stillhoping (Aug 27, 2012)

Ahh, spoke too soon. I have stayed dark with the ex but its like I can't avoid hearing about him. His sister called me to say that he called his siblings to tell them that he is dating. Then he emailed me about one of my grown kids "in case they didn't tell me" and texted me about a house project he heard I was doing to tell me who I should talk to about it. Today I heard that the kids are meeting him for his birthday dinner and they are going to meet the new woman. I want to go to a desert island where I won't have to hear anything about him. Please let it end soon!


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You are doing the right thing by limiting contact to only co-parenting issues.

You don't have to respond to him about his house repairs/paint suggestion, you don't owe him anything but responding to him about co-parenting issues and the divorce things.

Sorry you are going through this. It DOES get better.


----------



## stillhoping (Aug 27, 2012)

the thing is, the "kids" are adults, so really no need for communication about them or at least not much. Tonight he is taking the kids out to dinner for his birthday and they are going to meet the new girlfriend. UGH, I just don't want to think about him for a bit, and news keeps coming. Thanks Jelly, nice to see you here


----------



## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

That's the good thing about my marriage/divorce - no kids. So, we don't have much contact. After I finally get my furniture moved from the house (been waiting for family help to move things) and get his name off my car, then there will be NO contact. Good thing is, I have no desire to speak to him anyway. It's not like he really ever talked to me when we were married.

I agree with you, though, on the kids. They are grown. You shouldn't have much communication about them. It sounds like he's just trying to find ways to get you to talk to him.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

*His sister called me to say that he called his siblings to tell them that he is dating.* Wow! Can you tell her nicely, "Thanks, [insert name], but considering your brother DUMPED ME...I'm NOT interested in hearing about his private life; now OR in the future."

Then he emailed me about one of my grown kids "in case they didn't tell me" "'[insert STBXH name], thanks, but the kids are grown; they'll let me know what I need to know."

and texted me about a house project he heard I was doing to tell me who I should talk to about it. Ignore THIS like you never received. 

Today I heard that the kids are meeting him for his birthday dinner and they are going to meet the new woman. Same thing you told the soon to be ex-SIL, "Kids, since your dad dumped ME, I prefer NOT to hear about his personal life; neither now nor in the future. As adults, I'm SURE you can understand why! I, too am moving on."

I want to go to a desert island where I won't have to hear anything about him. Please let it end soon!

If you want it to end, stand up for YOURSELF, for YOUR RIGHTS as the aggrieved party, and demand (nicely) that people quit crapping on you 'for your own good/edification'. You're entitled to live your life the way YOU want...if others find it 'bitter' or 'in denial' or 'immature'.....who cares?!?

**hugs**

1.) If your kids are ALL adults (no minors), then QUIT interacting with him! You're NEVER going to be his 'friend'. He wants a divorce? He gets one. Get out of YOUR life (feel free to stay in the kids' lives). If he needs to get you information, he can contact YOUR ATTORNEY.

2.) You really SHOULD do the 180 and go dark...for your own piece of mind. He's trying to be your 'buddy' after he exploded your world. Yeah, uh NO...you don't get to do that! You get your exploded/expanded new universe. Stay out of MINE. 

He's CAKE-EATING to a degree....stringing you along like a 'friend' while having his new girlfriend! Fvck him. Time to cut him loose COMPLETELY until you have a mutual function for one of the kids!


----------



## stillhoping (Aug 27, 2012)

Slowly, that sounds so good on paper, I am finding it SOOO hard to do. But you are right, I do need to remember that I am the one who is the aggrieved party and I have made it too easy for everyone to think that I am not. I suck it all up, let him "help" me cause people think it is nice and one of my sons even tells me I should be "patient" and see what happens. I bet he doesn't think that any more, now that he has met the new woman. I would like to sign up for a lobotomy now. Not for the 30 years of dating and marriage, raising a family, taking vacations, caring for our parents, building houses and all the other small, important things that make a marriage, but for the betrayal of walking away without so much as a tear shed. Without any attempt to save the relationship. And thinking that he can have it all. And in the end, I still love him. But I will keep trying for my own sake. Thanks so much for the great feedback


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

stillhoping said:


> Slowly, that sounds so good on paper, I am finding it SOOO hard to do. But you are right, I do need to remember that I am the one who is the aggrieved party and I have made it too easy for everyone to think that I am not. I suck it all up, let him "help" me cause people think it is nice and one of my sons even tells me I should be "patient" and see what happens. I bet he doesn't think that any more, now that he has met the new woman. I would like to sign up for a lobotomy now. Not for the 30 years of dating and marriage, raising a family, taking vacations, caring for our parents, building houses and all the other small, important things that make a marriage, but for the betrayal of walking away without so much as a tear shed. Without any attempt to save the relationship.* And thinking that he can have it all*.


So make sure he knows he can't have it all by not participating in his antics.

SlowlyWiser's responses were on point.


----------



## stillhoping (Aug 27, 2012)

I agree. My therapist told me today I need to consider myself an addict and the best way to deal with that is to detox. No contact, not even a little sip! I asked her if there was a Lover's Anonymous! Anybody want to be my sponsor?


----------



## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

See if there are any divorce support groups in your area. Try Meetup.com. You need to start building your own life away from your Ex so you can truly move on. You are totally caught up in your ex husband, your ex life, etc. 

You need to cut off contact not only with your ex but his family too. There's no need to have any contact with him. Your kids are grown so that's not an issue. You should've told him "Thanks but no thanks" when it came to going out for your birthday. Go out with your friends or kids instead. 

SGW's post should be your guidance on how to conduct yourself. She has it pegged. Stop telling yourself what you SHOULD be doing and start doing it. No more excuses. 

It's hard..we've all been there. I don't know how long it's been for you since the break up of your marriage, but it took a solid 2 years for me to get over my husband and marriage. It doesn't just happen though..You have to work at it. It's a habit and an addiction that you have to break. Good luck. It'll get better.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

*stillhoping:*
You have an ENTIRE thread (heck, an entire FORUM) FULL of sponsors! Come here WHENEVER you need a 2x4 upside the head...or a hug...or whatever!


*Freak:* Congrats on the D Day!


----------



## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> *Freak:* Congrats on the D Day!


 Thank you so much! It's going to be an awesome day! No foolin' around! I'm going to get falafel at this Middle Eastern restaurant in town that I keep wanting to try and then go home and change my status on Facebook. 

And then: Keep doing what I've been doing! Living it up and partying down!


----------

