# Very taboo?? rape fantasy



## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

So I have a question, how many people out there , men and women have ever thought about or participated in a "rape fantasy" ? 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blo...s-rape-fantasies-how-common-what-do-they-mean

This article is 5 years old , but still makes some interesting points. The reason I am posting this is because I am currently in a dominant / submissive relationship , its been the most amazing, healthy, loving and truly exciting experience of my life. We have explored many different concepts and about a week or so ago she told me she needed to tell me something.:scratchhead: She proceeded to tell me she has never felt closer to another person in her life, and she trusted me completely( which was always an issue for her) she proceeded to tell me that lately she has been thinking about lately, actually she has become consumed with the idea of me taking complete and total control of her and playing out a rape fantasy with her ..

Now as a man I can honestly say this concept scares the living you know what out of me... but she becomes insanely aroused at this idea, she says she just wants me to grab her , ignore her cries , ignore her saying the word no and just take her...

I was brought up to cherish, love and respect women , being raised by a single mom and having a sister , I pride myself on that, so i learned all about " no means no" but now this woman who i trust with my life, who i love more than i have ever loved another before, this woman who i truly respect and admire is telling me that what turns her on more than anything ( in her words) is " that sometimes no means yes".

This is all mind boggling for me and her... she can't understand why is turns her on as much as it does, she keeps saying that me needing to take whats mine , and stopping at nothing drives her wild.. So we have talked and talked about it , but we haven't quite yet gone through with it and earlier today I mentioned that I want to take her to a place where we can be alone , a huge house that's been in my family for years, and i said i wanted us to be alone there , and then she said "the idea of being in a big house, trying to hide scares me a bit that scares me a lot actually " I was just feeding off something she was saying previously, and then she said " is this too much, maybe it too much"

Amazing to me that she would say that because SHE is the one who brought this up to begin with, i would never in my life EVER mention the R word ( rape fantasy ) to anyone , and she mentioned it to me, and became SO very excited about this idea, i just want to love her, make her happy, make her feel desired, make her feel excited and i guess its still very new to both her and I, so we are learning the boundaries.

In saying that i ask this>> didn't any boundaries / walls crash down when she mentioned this idea? , she is the one who has become consumed with this rape fantasy, and i have gone along with it to make her feel aroused , to keep her excited, So I think when she mentioned it that many "boundaries" went out the window.. any thoughts , idea's suggestions ?

Yes i know we need a safe word , i was thinking something like 
" supercalafragilistiexpealidocious" but she seems to think that will take too long for her to say :scratchhead:


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Lots of women have this fantasy and once you get the hang of it, it won't be scary to either of you anymore. Just stop worrying about things in advance and go slowly, you'll be fine.


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

We had it, we did it, and it was extremely realistic because that is what she wanted. During the role play she was terrified. We filmed it and it was more of a rape/snuff film verbally. A lot of disrespect and "Cry into the camera and say goodbye to your family, this is the last thing they will ever see of you....." type thing. After it was over we both were numb to how real it felt. She cried. It was rough, painful, and there is no passion or love. No making sure it's lubricated properly or stopping if she got sore. She got treated the way she would be treated if she was raped.

Now, in hindsight, after a few years, the urge is coming back for her. She has talked about it and the memory is so much better than the actual live experience. The experience itself is scary. However the afterthought is like every naughty story you've ever read. Make sure you have a safety word just in case she wants "out" and talk about how real she wants. If it's just sort of rape me but love me, or just rape me and use me like a piece of meat for one night. It's role play and as long as you both consent, it's not really rape or bad. You only live once, don't run from her fantasies.


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## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

get and read 'My Secret Garden' - a study on female sexual fantasies. It will possibly help you (both) understand the basis and drivers for this very common fantasy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
rape fantasies are very common in women and men - both as assailants and victims. Its not entirely clear why, but it doesn't matter. 

I see no problem at all with acting out a rape fantasy IF:

1). You have a safeword. (something either person can say to immediately end the game). Note that violating a safe word turns a game into actual rape. 

2). You have talked things over and made sure you both understand what she wants. If she just wants to be thrown on the bed and fked hard, and you slap her in the face and call her a dirty XXXXXX, things will not end well. (or maybe she DOES want to be slapped and degraded). Be sure that you both understand what sort of fantasy this is, and what is and is not off limits.


You can actually have a 2-level safe word:

Red: STOP EVERYTHING, game over.

Yellow: Allows the "victim" to indicate that they do not want some particular action, but that the game can continue. 

Start with something fairly wild and build up from there.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Seriously, safe words are mostly only needed by people who are having consensual sex with strangers. Very rarely does a wife and husband need them.


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> Seriously, safe words are mostly only needed by people who are having consensual sex with strangers. Very rarely does a wife and husband need them.


Safe words are needed if you take role play seriously, regardless of if its a stranger or a long time husband and wife. Especially if it's a rape fantasy where the wife wants to be a "victim" so saying "stop, don't, quit, you're hurting me" do not mean anything. Even if your save word is, "you are really really hurting me", or the tone of her voice changes, the concept is the same. It's just easier to have a safe word so there are no misunderstandings. Serious role play, which I'd only suggest you do as a husband / wife, safe words are used to break character and very normal. 

I have no idea why a husband and wife wouldn't have a safe word while role playing. That makes no sense.

In fact, I would never role play with strangers or use "safe words" with someone you don't totally trust.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

And I have never once needed any type of safe word with my husband so our experiences differ. Why would I not trust my husband? If I want to stop something or something hurts more than I can handle I say "let's switch it up".

And even though you may have never done so, thousands of people participate in BDSM play with others who are virtual strangers. That is where safe words initially came from. That is the scenario where safe words are actually needed.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> Seriously, safe words are mostly only needed by people who are having consensual sex with strangers. Very rarely does a wife and husband need them.


not true, you need it in this kind of situation/relationship. Saying "no" is part of the play, but he needs to know when she really means "NO" - that's when safe word comes. She may want that rape thing now, but may change her mind in the middle of it, and she would need it to communicate it.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

It really is just a matter of communication. Saying "you need a safe word" is not accurate, since I don't need one and none of my kinky friends who are in committed relationships need one. 

Some people like having one because they feel it puts more danger into the mix and they like that. But it is just a preference.

When you are joining a group BDSM play, then safe words are required.


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

I like the idea of my husband controlling my pleasure -it's someone having total control over me, but I would have a problem calling it rape. Rape conjures violence, fear and inhumane treatment


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

There is a difference between Consentual non-consent and role play realistic rape. 

Consenting for Nonconsent sex means that either party gives blanket permission for the other to force sex. Generally, sex isn't really forced between the couple. An example would be wife is doing something and her H walks up and starts taking her clothing off then proceeds to have sex, whether she seems into it or not. He may be rough, he may simply be methodical. But the wife has given blanket permission for the husband to have sex with her when ever he wants. This couple might have a safe word or they might not. 

A safe word is absolutely necessary for rape role play. Especially if it is realistic rough role play. But it could also be a husband coming home late while wife is sleeping and he yanks off the covers and has sex with her. Or her hides somewhere and over powers her.

What Coldie described above sounds a bit extreme. The whole point is that this scenario is erotic not fear inducing. Maybe his wife wanted the threats and humiliation in order to make her believe it was real?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Sorry anon...I still disagree. A safe word is not always necessary. If you feel perfectly safe at all times without one, you don't need one.

Having played rape games of all kinds and only with people I was perfectly safe with (and I've been both the rapist and the raped) I've never once needed a safe word. 

It is a matter of preference. If you need one to feel safe or because you like the extra danger, then you create one. If you don't, you don't.


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> A safe word is absolutely necessary for rape role play. Especially if it is realistic rough role play. But it could also be a husband coming home late while wife is sleeping and he yanks off the covers and has sex with her. Or her hides somewhere and over powers her.
> 
> What Coldie described above sounds a bit extreme. The whole point is that this scenario is erotic not fear inducing. Maybe his wife wanted the threats and humiliation in order to make her believe it was real?


It's all subjective. I'd say it was extreme to vanilla couples, but normal among couples who experiment and role play regularly. Some women want to leave the safety of their world and really feel what it would be like to be raped. Some want to just moan and hear their husbands say, 'I'm raping you," and that pleases them. It really is subjective and every person has their own unique fantasies.

OP, it really is normal but some women never open up about things like that. You should be happy you have a wife that is open with you. Like anon says, some may see rape as a form of humiliation. And it's embarrassing to admit to wanting to be humiliated if that's her kink.


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> Sorry anon...I still disagree. A safe word is not always necessary. If you feel perfectly safe at all times without one, you don't need one.
> 
> Having played rape games of all kinds and only with people I was perfectly safe with (and I've been both the rapist and the raped) I've never once needed a safe word.
> 
> It is a matter of preference. If you need one to feel safe or because you like the extra danger, then you create one. If you don't, you don't.


Let's put it this way since you are so insistent on letting the OP know that a safety word isn't necessary.

If they have a safety word and never use it, that's okay. It's not going to be a mark against their egos or prides that they had to use a safe word (like this is an insult to your relationship or something). If they don't have a safety word and they need to use it, that's not okay. See the difference? 

I have no idea why anyone would preach against having a safe word when doing rape role play. That just blows me away.

To suggest it was only for strangers was just wrong to begin with. You don't do rape play with strangers. When dealing with rape play, a safe word is crucial. I mean, it's like suggesting to the OP that he doesn't need a seat belt just because you and your husband have never been in an accident when you drive, so to use a seat belt unnecessary. It's a healthy precaution and we are trying to help the OP not suggest he isn't in a good relationship (with trust) if he needs a safe word.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

You don't seem to know much about this topic if you don't know that thousands of people play rape games with strangers. Do you not understand what goes on in BDSM groups, underground dungeons, and sex clubs all over the world? Maybe you could do some reading about this if you don't want to take my word for it. 

I'm going to make a guess based on your answers that I have more knowledge and experience on this topic than you do. 

But think whatever you want, no skin off my nose. Yeah sure, strangers don't play kinky sex games with each other and ALL wives feel unsafe with their husbands and need safe words. Lol!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Sorry anon...I still disagree. A safe word is not always necessary. If you feel perfectly safe at all times without one, you don't need one.
> 
> Having played rape games of all kinds and only with people I was perfectly safe with (and I've been both the rapist and the raped) I've never once needed a safe word.
> 
> It is a matter of preference. If you need one to feel safe or because you like the extra danger, then you create one. If you don't, you don't.


No prob FW. You know I respect you tremendously. I think we found another area in which we might diverge...

The safe word is for the comfort and peace of mind of the "rapist" that way he knows he can keep going and keep going because she will say the safe word if he goes to far.


I've told this story several times. I had to patch the pool liner, bottom of deep end. I'm an excellent swimmer but couldn't press the patch into the liner as it would send me back to the top. My H had to take the telescope pool and hold me down there, but he kept letting go. I came up and yelled why do you keep letting me go? I need you to push me down so I can press the patch down. 

He was terrified of drowning me. I took a loath toy, told him to keep pushing and don't let up until you see me let go of the floaty toy. 

He needed the assurance that he could do what I asked without worry he would go too far.

Safe words are vital


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

Thanks all for the replies !! I have been with this woman for nearly a year, and we started 6 months ago discovering ourselves sexually. We discovered that i am very much dominant and that drives her wild, and she is very much submissive and that drives me wild. We are VERY much new to this whole scene. We like to think we are very adventurous but i am sure we are very much rookies and would be considered tame by many more experienced people. 

We will read the book " a secret garden" because she is very much concerned about why this turns her on so much. I wish there was something i could say to her to put her mind at ease. Earlier today when her and I were talking I suggested we go spend some alone time together in a very old , very large family home, where we could be alone, and we could live this fantasy out, and I said there were many rooms she could run to and hide ( she was extremely turned on by the idea of escaping from me prior to this conversation) Anyways She immediately stopped me and said that reminded her of a horror movie and that she hated horror movies, and her having to run and hide scared her. I felt horrible immediately and said sorry that i thought that would turn her on. She backed off completely and now is unsure if she wants us to continue on this path. 

I tried to calm her nerves by telling her how much i love her, and how i was so sorry to scare her, and that I thought she would be turned on by the idea. Perhaps the sense of trust and safety is not there quite yet ? I would imagine that people who have been married for years and years have that. Perhaps her and I haven't been involved long enough to build that sense of safety and trust? 

I am just thinking/ typing out loud here forgive me, but i am trying to look deep into my own psyche and see if this really is for me ? I am very much in love with her, and she is very much in love with me, and i do want to make her happy, I want to make her more aroused than she has ever been in her life, but i also need to be able to tell her if something makes me uncomfortable. The issue is she is extremely sensitive about this, about what we are becoming together sexually, that i don't want to make her question her own passions and desires because I am not comfortable with something she wants desperately ( or she did). I know her so well, if i say I am not into this, she will feel horrible and she will question why this turns her on so much until she loses her marbles ! 

I know there are a couple of Facebook BDSM pages , but are there other online outlets for this lifestyle ? It truly fascinates me and her, we both really love the idea that I completely control our pleasure, it turns her on beyond belief that she does not have to say a word, that i just know exactly what to say, what to do , how hard to spank her, how gently to kiss her, just exactly how and where to touch her.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Safe words are vital for those who need them. Some of us always feel safe and don't need one. 

There's no shame or problem with needing one. I'm just saying some of us don't and never will need one. 

Some people have what is called an Unsafe word. He he.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Soveryalone, I'm curious why you chose this user name?


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

Rags said:


> get and read 'My Secret Garden' - a study on female sexual fantasies. It will possibly help you (both) understand the basis and drivers for this very common fantasy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


lol I googled The secret garden , and read the plot summary and was rather confused , good thing I double checked the name :lol: fyi the secret garden is a children's novel that came out in 1911


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Soveryalone, I'm curious why you chose this user name?


oh , I created this user name on this site nearly two years ago , after the end of a 12 year relationship , she fell in love with a former friend and then married him 2 months after and when I created this name I felt So Very alone


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Oh I see. That's sad! I'm glad you are happy and in love now.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening Faithful Wife
I don't know the sort of play that you do. I think safe words are essential in any play where the "victim" may tell the "assailant" to stop as part of the game. "Stop, please don't use that vibrator on me again...".

It may seem that a " real "stop" can be distinguished from a pretend "stop" but that isn't always the case. It is horrible for both people if due to a misunderstanding the game doesn't stop when one of them really wants it to. Not worth the risk in my book.

Now if people engage in the sort of play where "stop" is never part of the game, then there is no need for a safeword. OTOH, what is the downside of having one just in case?





Faithful Wife said:


> Safe words are vital for those who need them. Some of us always feel safe and don't need one.
> 
> There's no shame or problem with needing one. I'm just saying some of us don't and never will need one.
> 
> Some people have what is called an Unsafe word. He he.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening soveryalone
Have her describe an example fantasy to you. Try to get an idea of what sort of thing she wants.


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Oh I see. That's sad! I'm glad you are happy and in love now.


Thanks so much that's very kind of you, yes I am very much in love, and she is as well, we both are very happy , she is about 2 hours away and we don't get to see eachother as much as we both want and there are a couple issues we need to iron out but long story short , we are happy together yes  thanks


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening soveryalone
> Have her describe an example fantasy to you. Try to get an idea of what sort of thing she wants.


Good evening to you as well, She has described in details exactly what she wants and I am doing my best to give her exactly that, we are both very new to this, so I have told her we are both going to make mistakes with this, we are both learning what works and what doesn't , she is afraid that we have gone too far with this ( this happened briefly once before after she asked me to pick out a video for her to watch ) I picked out what I thought she would want, but after she watched it she felt disgusted, she said seeing it in action ( a rape fantasy type thing) that it all felt so real to her and she wasn't comfortable with how she was feeling about it, a couple days went by and she was back in full swing totally turned on by the idea.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> HHaving played rape games of all kinds and only with people I was perfectly safe with (and I've been both the rapist and the raped) I've never once needed a safe word.
> 
> It is a matter of preference. If you need one to feel safe or because you like the extra danger, then you create one. If you don't, you don't.


The fact that you did not need safe word only means that your boundaries weren't pushed to their extremes.


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## justamale51 (Mar 20, 2015)

Two fo my long-term partners both fantasized about rape. And enjoyed it.... 

Of course, it was a 'safe' and 'mock' rape ... with me. So none of the risks.

Bizarre though it may sound, I can well imagine what might turn a woman on here.
* The feeling of being desired. Intensely.
* The 'freedom' to loose responsibility for any action of what 'he' does to you.
* The fantasy that some stranger is taking you... attracted to you.
* A bit of BDSM thrown in (which is a turnon for many of us)
* Subconsciously wanting to play the dirty ****/temptress role...

And more...


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

HI Sovery. I'm in a 24/7 D/s relationship and, like you, find that it's intensely intimate and loving. It's not something you can learn over night--it's a journey. Good for you for going slow and educating yourself. 

I have some suggestions/advice for you. 

1. Read up on "after care." After an intense fantasy or "scene" it is essential that you provide a loving and safe environment for your sub to "come down" from her experience. If you've not done rape scenes before, it's impossible to predict how she will feel about it afterwards after the endorphins withdraw. She might be fine . . . but she might struggle with unexpected emotions. Make sure you know how to handle the range of possibilities. Read up on "sub drop," too. It can crop up in the hours and days after an intense emotional experience like the one you and your partner are contemplating. 

2. Establish a safe word. I've been married for 25 years and we have a safe word for the comfort of BOTH of us. We regularly push into "unchartered territory" sexually and otherwise, and it's crucial to have a way to exit from that territory if need be. You have every right to use that word, too, if the scene is making you uncomfortable. You might trust your partner to the ends of the earth, but if you are experimenting, then the responsible thing to do is to lower the risk as much as you possibly can. (I've seen people go so far into the "headspace" of their scene that they become incoherent and even getting out the safe word is a struggle. Some couples I know actually use a pattern of grunting or ASL instead of a safeword, because they become non verbal in their headspace. The mind is a freaky thing!) 

3. Pay attention to your partner's struggles over "why am I like this?" Even for those of us who embrace this kink in ourselves, it can be hard to put all the doubts to rest. Let her talk about it as much as she needs to. Do some reading on the psychology of submission so that you try and understand the emotinal impulses and needs of her kink, and how they might cause conflict with her intellectual mind. 

Likewise, pay attention to you own conflicts and struggles; being a Dominant in a loving relationship with a sub is a HUGE responsibility. You're going to be doing the heavy lifting. 

4. Read all you can about D/s. There is A LOT written about it out there, and it doesn't work the same for every couple. You will eventually find a community of like minded couples. It can be so, so worthwhile, but it takes work and commitment and, above all, communication and stark honesty to build the trust that sets the foundation.

Good luck.


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

I started reading " my secret garden " all I can say is wow... 
https://archive.org/stream/MySecretGarden/17327923-Nancy-Friday-My-Secret-Garden#page/n9/mode/2up

It was quite the strange day with her , she went from being more turned on than ever before to being afraid of feeling how she was , to feeling confused about it, and then she was blaming me for going along with it her words " this is totally my fault " and I said " Whatever she wants to do is fine with me, whatever turns her on , turns me on even more" Then she basically got angry at me for going along with this... I think she is just really struggling with craving something like this so desperately, her mind can't process it or get to the root of why it drives her so wild... 

So I mentioned the book " my secret garden " and she seemed really excited by it. I am extremely new to all of this , but I do know that its my job to take her hand, guide her into this new mysterious world,protect her and allow her to experience pleasure like she hasn't ever felt before. I knew exactly what she meant to me , and what I meant to her the first time I kissed her and her entire body went limp and started to quiver, I have this ability to make her melt, and she is becoming less and less afraid of that power I seem to have over her.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening soveryalone
Also tell her YOUR fantasies. It may actually make her feel better if this is a two way street.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

I don't think there is anything wrong with having fantasies...shows you are normal.
However I think I probably would have some sort of a safe word so that you know when 'no' really is no. Its like - don't..stop. Is that 'please don't stop what you are doing because its nice'...or does it mean - don't do that...please stop it?

As much as a couple might be deeply in love and trust each other 100% etc, I would still be wary about enacting a rape scene.
Marital rape is (in the UK) a criminal offence. Fast forward five years when things have turned sour and you are divorcing...she can make an allegation of rape against you.
Maybe its the cop in me coming out but I think I'd ask her to 'write me a little note telling me what you would like me to do to you....something I can keep safe to remind me.....'


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> You don't seem to know much about this topic if you don't know that thousands of people play rape games with strangers. Do you not understand what goes on in BDSM groups, underground dungeons, and sex clubs all over the world? Maybe you could do some reading about this if you don't want to take my word for it.
> 
> I'm going to make a guess based on your answers that I have more knowledge and experience on this topic than you do.
> 
> But think whatever you want, no skin off my nose. Yeah sure, strangers don't play kinky sex games with each other and ALL wives feel unsafe with their husbands and need safe words. Lol!


I'm totally okay with you have more knowledge and experience than me on the topic.

My opinion on rape play shouldn't be done with strangers, isn't about what is or isn't done in underground dungeons or sex clubs, it's my opinion on who rape play should be done with safely. People make bad choices and do not take precautions, ignore good advice on having a safe word, and role play with strangers in dungeons about being raped. However, I am not trying to teach the OP about BDSM, give him advice that may hurt his relationship, or lecture him on the history of sex dungeons, I am giving him helpful advice on his wife's rape fantasies. Having a safe word does nothing negative to the fantasy or your relationship. If it's never used, that's perfectly fine. Not having it can really hurt your relationship if something goes too far. I'd suggest the OP never let his wife carry out her rape fantasies with strangers in dungeons, or role play rape with her and not have a safe word on deck. This seems to be the general consensus. Some people may ignore these healthy precautions, like some people ignore wearing a seat belt, ignore not texting and driving, etc. That doesn't mean they should advise others to practice their (most would say bad) habits.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

soveryalone, you both should fill out the BDSM questionnaire and talk about it together - it will give you both an idea of things which each each of you like, or not, what's acceptable, what must not go, etc. It's a good starting point, and can be reevaluated later on.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I think what FW is trying to say is that the better you know your submissive, the more naturally you will know, and be able to ongoingly assess, her limits. There really is no substitute for thorough understanding of your partner.

And a safe word, to some, puts the sub in charge. It doesn't feel "real."

I do think FW was clear that if *you* need a safe word, *you* should have one. She just disagrees that *everyone* needs one.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

jld said:


> I think what FW is trying to say is that the better you know your submissive, the more naturally you will know, and be able to ongoingly assess, her limits. There really is no substitute for thorough understanding of your partner.
> 
> And a safe word, to some, puts the sub in charge. It doesn't feel "real."
> 
> I do think FW was clear that if *you* need a safe word, *you* should have one. She just disagrees that *everyone* needs one.


In rape role play, the safe word is more for the rapist than the victim.

Can you imagine how hard it would be for ANY husband to push away everything society and his own values have taught him about caring for the woman he loves in order to over power her, make her cry intentionally, say mean vulgar things to her, ignore her no's and tears and keep going? The man HAS to have the security and confidence that she will safe word if he goes too far.

Some role plays are simple and can be choreographed precisely and be fun. But some role plays require elements of surprise and off the cuff behavior that cannot be planned out and agreed to. 

I personally think it is foolish to engage in any sort of rape fantasy role play with out a safe word.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I cannot intelligently comment on how to manage role play. Dug and I never do it. Anything we do in the context of D/s is genuine. 

But I do think FW is right on this, at least in the context she describes: a trusted, fully bonded husband and wife pair. And I say that to you with respect, AP.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

I think that the context of one's relationship does matter when choosing whether or not to use a safe word. 

For those of us who choose to incorporate "play" which has, as a goal, to reach an alternate "head space," it is crucial. Many couples don't "play" in this manner, and for them the idea of a safe word can seem foreign. The desirability of reaching another "headspace" can seem foreign. But for folks with that kink, and with a partner they trust, being pushed to that alternate "place" is so very, very bonding. 

The two times I've used our safe word have been to protect my Dom, not to protect me. He puts his trust on the line in this dynamic just as much as I do. If he hurt me--psychologically or physically--he would never forgive himself. And I take that very, very seriously when we engage in play that pushes boundaries.


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## jin (Sep 9, 2014)

I recently created a dating profile on *******. There are lots of questions you can answer to increase the chances of a match and one of them was this topic ie would you like to role play a rape fantasy. I answered "unsure" (but was surprised to see s few women answered "yes".


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

GettingIt said:


> I think that the context of one's relationship does matter when choosing whether or not to use a safe word.
> 
> For those of us who choose to incorporate "play" which has, as a goal, to reach an alternate "head space," it is crucial. Many couples don't "play" in this manner, and for them the idea of a safe word can seem foreign. The desirability of reaching another "headspace" can seem foreign. But for folks with that kink, and with a partner they trust, being pushed to that alternate "place" is so very, very bonding.
> 
> *The two times I've used our safe word have been to protect my Dom, not to protect me. He puts his trust on the line in this dynamic just as much as I do. If he hurt me--psychologically or physically--he would never forgive himself. * And I take that very, very seriously when we engage in play that pushes boundaries.


GI, do you see how that illustrates giving the "sub" the responsibility in the relationship?

Calling a person the "dom" doesn't actually make that person the dom. Having the responsibility, having the buck stop there, does.


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

GettingIt said:


> I think that the context of one's relationship does matter when choosing whether or not to use a safe word.


I can agree with this. 

I believe FW said very rarely will a husband and wife need them, which I actually can agree with. They may not ever need them, but what does it hurt to have one? You can find 100s of examples on google/reddit right now of couples (yes, married couples) that didn't have one and how it turned into a disaster, and no examples of a couple that had one and were upset because they wasted 10 seconds thinking of a safe word that they have NEVER USED!!!!!

In context, we are giving advice to the OP who is new to rape play. In context, suggesting a safe word to this OP is good practice. Suggesting it's for mainly for strangers, in context or not, is just false.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

First of all just because someone may have a rape fantasy doesn't automatically make them a sub.

Second of all, there are all kinds of alternate consciousnesses and head spaces people can get into without being a sub or having a safe word.

Anon...I think possibly because of actual experiences in your life, you can't get your mind around not having a safe word for rape play. But I'm telling you I personally know several people who simply don't need one. 

Just to give my personal example...Neither my husband or I have any real life experience with rape or having the idea beaten into us that this type of sexual play is wrong or that all men are potential rapist. If you have zero attachment to the word or act, and if you already have a blanket consent agreement in place, you don't need a safe word. 

In fact my H and I have played date rape, where one of us drugs the other (ambien) and then there's literally no way for the drugged one to even use a safe word even if we had one. We can do this because we have full trust and consent and neither of us has any truly hard boundaries (meaning all of our boundaries have been tested and we've realized there's no real "no").

I've talked to many others who are in the same position. 

There's no rule book. If a couple doesn't need a safe word they just don't. If they do they do. If it is unclear whether they do or not, then they should have one just in case. But to say all couples who play need one is inaccurate.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Also for myself, the only time I would require a safe word would be if I was going to play with a true sadist. In that case, when dealing with someone who gets off on causing others pain, I would need one.

I would also require one if playing with a stranger.

Other than these two scenarios I would never need one. If any partner of mine wanted one for any reason I would be happy to create one.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Coldie said:


> I can agree with this.
> 
> I believe FW said very rarely will a husband and wife need them, which I actually can agree with. They may not ever need them, but what does it hurt to have one? You can find 100s of examples on google/reddit right now of couples (yes, married couples) that didn't have one and how it turned into a disaster, and no examples of a couple that had one and were upset because they wasted 10 seconds thinking of a safe word that they have NEVER USED!!!!!
> 
> In context, we are giving advice to the OP who is new to rape play. In context, suggesting a safe word to this OP is good practice. Suggesting it's for mainly for strangers, in context or not, is just false.


It's simply a matter of opinion. My personal belief is that everyone who responsibly engages in consensual non-consent play needs one. Sometimes the "need" is never realized, sometimes it's realized too late--sometimes with mere regret, sometimes with tragedy. And although I consider it a need of responsible play, it's also a choice. I choose to do it out of love and respect for my husband, my children, and everyone who cares about me. Besides, it takes about ten seconds to establish, and you can pick something hilarious! I love crowing it out when my husband tries to crawl into bed without showering


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

jld said:


> GI, do you see how that illustrates giving the "sub" the responsibility in the relationship?
> 
> Calling a person the "dom" doesn't actually make that person the dom. Having the responsibility, having the buck stop there, does.


Yes, in some formulations of D/s, the submissive has responsibilities. Every dynamic is negotiated differently to suit the needs of the two individuals in it. Some Doms won't accept a sub who won't accept responsibility. Some subs would not accept a Dom who expected responsibility from her/him. 

It might help you, as far as BDSM play is concerned, to think of the roles as "top" and "bottom." Those are common terms that are much more specific and less open to the broad interpretation of the very general category of "D/s."


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening jld
I know that some people engage in no-safeword play but I find the idea worrisome. If the "top" knows the "bottom's" limits and will never exceed them, then the bottom is already controlling the interaction. If the top might exceed real limit, then the sub needs a way to stop things.

In a no-safeword situation would a top really not stop no matter what the bottom said? "I mean it please stop, I'm not enjoying this anymore" or "Call an ambulance I think I'm having a heart attack...."

Or if there is some word or phrase that would stop things - isn't that just a poorly defined safe-word. 




jld said:


> snip
> 
> And a safe word, to some, puts the sub in charge. It doesn't feel "real."
> 
> I do think FW was clear that if *you* need a safe word, *you* should have one. She just disagrees that *everyone* needs one.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening Faithful Wife
This is the first time in a long time that I have been shocked by sexual activity. (and I have friends who are actively into BDSM and have rather er. diverse tastes of my own.

If you have full consent, you are adults and welcome to play as you wish. But to me....yikes!

Is a normal dose of ambien that completely debilitating? 



Faithful Wife said:


> snip
> 
> In fact my H and I have played date rape, where one of us drugs the other (ambien) and then there's literally no way for the drugged one to even use a safe word even if we had one.
> .


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Richard, I'm sorry to have shocked you. But this was one of my less shocking stories as far as I'm concerned. 

Yes ambien can create a state where you are unable to give consent. It can also cause complete memory loss of the time when the drug was in effect. You can also do things you may not normally do and you may have no idea what you will get up to while intoxicated. The drug has been a problem for some people who, even taking it as described, will get out of bed and do the equivalent of sleep walking...some people have even gotten into a car and attempted to drive!!

When you are playing sex games and drugs are involved, there are a whole lot of safety parameters that should be in place. 

The world of kink involves a lot more than just tops and bottoms, subs and doms.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> *In rape role play, the safe word is more for the rapist than the victim*.
> 
> Can you imagine how hard it would be for ANY husband to push away everything society and his own values have taught him about caring for the woman he loves in order to over power her, make her cry intentionally, say mean vulgar things to her, ignore her no's and tears and keep going? The man HAS to have the security and confidence that she will safe word if he goes too far.
> 
> ...


I'd insist on one. There's no way I'd agree unless there was a foolproof method for her to stop me, short of shooting me.


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## Marriedwithdogs (Jan 29, 2015)

I can see where faithfulwife is coming from with married couples not needing a safe word. Your partner knows you inside and out. He/she can decipher if you are in true pain, or getting aroused from light pain.

I can see how ppl can get off on this sort of thing when the relationship is new, and blissfully exciting. I think if hubby and I tried to role play something like this, we would both end up laughing. Plus if my hubby caused me true pain, I would loose respect for him.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Marriedwithdogs said:


> I can see where faithfulwife is coming from with married couples not needing a safe word. Your partner knows you inside and out. He/she can decipher if you are in true pain, or getting aroused from light pain.
> 
> I can see how ppl can get off on this sort of thing when the relationship is new, and blissfully exciting. I think if hubby and I tried to role play something like this, we would both end up laughing. Plus if my hubby caused me true pain, I would loose respect for him.


BDSM play is certainly not for everyone. True pain is the goal for a lot of bottoms. I'm a masochist and find pain very useful in a lot of ways, but I do want to be able to say when enough is enough. Still--especially early on when we first started to explore this together--he often was the one to stop the activity before I had reached my limit. If the top isn't comfortable, he shouldn't press on, no matter how much the bottom wants him to. I would never, every want my husband to push out of his comfort zone for me in this way, but nothing has made me feel more loved and respected than his willingness to learn how to top for me so I can have the pain I crave.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening faithful wife
Its good to be shocked - just been a long time since its happened to me. (I think drugging may have a special "squick" factor for me). 

Then I guess I'm also disturbed by 24/7 BDSM relationships because they are difficult to distinguish from real abuse.





Faithful Wife said:


> Richard, I'm sorry to have shocked you. But this was one of my less shocking stories as far as I'm concerned.
> 
> Yes ambien can create a state where you are unable to give consent. It can also cause complete memory loss of the time when the drug was in effect. You can also do things you may not normally do and you may have no idea what you will get up to while intoxicated. The drug has been a problem for some people who, even taking it as described, will get out of bed and do the equivalent of sleep walking...some people have even gotten into a car and attempted to drive!!
> 
> ...


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> In rape role play, the safe word is more for the rapist than the victim.
> 
> Can you imagine how hard it would be for ANY husband to push away everything society and his own values have taught him about caring for the woman he loves in order to over power her, make her cry intentionally, say mean vulgar things to her, ignore her no's and tears and keep going? The man HAS to have the security and confidence that she will safe word if he goes too far.
> 
> *I personally think it is foolish to engage in any sort of rape fantasy role play with out a safe word*.


:iagree: I would never do any type of role play like this without a safe word. I personally would never ever want to do this type of fantasy(rape fantasy), but think it's very important to have a safe word, especially for a couple just starting out. She may think she wants or likes something, but it's completely different in reality vs the fantasy in the mind. 

I'd talk to her about possible scenarios and see what she thinks she likes vs what she doesn't want. Then take it slow as you try some of those out, watching closely to see her reaction and make sure you both know the safe word to stop things right away if it's more than either of you want.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Richard, Not much makes me feel "squick" when it comes to what others do in bed. To each their own.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening faithful wife
> Its good to be shocked - just been a long time since its happened to me. (I think drugging may have a special "squick" factor for me).
> 
> Then I guess I'm also disturbed by 24/7 BDSM relationships because they are difficult to distinguish from real abuse.


It's only difficult to distinguish for someone not in the relationship. The difference is that someone who's being abused likely isn't enjoying it.

This thread makes me want to listen to the Eurythmics.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening Fozzy
The person being abused is not enjoying it (by definition I guess), but an outside observer you can't tell. I think some people hide abuse by claiming it is consensual 24/7 bdsm.







Fozzy said:


> It's only difficult to distinguish for someone not in the relationship. The difference is that someone who's being abused likely isn't enjoying it.
> 
> This thread makes me want to listen to the Eurythmics.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening Fozzy
> The person being abused is not enjoying it (by definition I guess), but an outside observer you can't tell. I think some people hide abuse by claiming it is consensual 24/7 bdsm.


I don't think this is accurate. Considering so many people have no idea what a BDSM relationship looks like. The lately emerged Christian Grey might alter that awareness though.

People in a consenting 24/7 D/s relationship are actually very happy. They would proudly sport their red bottoms and other bruises in their favorite places if people didn't assume they had been abused.

I do know of one woman, online, who was abused in a consentual BDSM type relationship. She kind of lost herself within it and found herself agreeing to many things that in hindsight, she regrets. Yes, the slight danger is there, particularly for a submissive who enters the relationship as a submissive, instead of finding their submission once the relationship has fully connected.


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

I have known several women who have admitted this fantasy. 

Approached as simply role playing I see nothing wrong with it. Each woman seems have to her own reasons to be attracted to it, but as long as she is not putting herself in danger with strangers, I see no reason or value in trying to turn over psychological rocks to find out why it is appealing.

However, I do have a long time female friend who did play at the line between fantasy and reality and put herself in a dangerous situation where the line between actual rape and consent became fuzzy. I think this was mostly a product of age and inexperience but even in an established relationship the need for a safe word is directly related to how "realistic" you want to play it. 

If it involves surprise, aggression and physically overcoming verbal and physical resistence, I wouldn't do it wihout a clear unambiguous safe word.

I recall seeing an article a while back about a woman who claimed the rape play with her boyfriend went wrong and became real rape because her refusals were genuine but then again she admitted it was specically part of her fantasy to be violent, unexpected and pursued even if she started crying.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

Faithful Wife said:


> ....and if you already have a blanket consent agreement in place...


--Only speculating here, but I wonder if from the perspective of the active participant, such an agreement serves a similar purpose to a safe word psychologically?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

From p. 165 of The Commerce of Peoples: Sadomasochism and African American Literature:

"That the safe word may be used to impede the gravitation toward the exercise of real power is undoubtedly what motivates the debate surrounding it. This gravitation of competencies is demonstrated by the fact that the safe word, as a device of safety and consent, usually prevails during the early stages of a relationship but slowly fades as partners approach their potentials."


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Ocotillo, in our case, we just don't have any unknown boundaries anymore so we don't need to have anything in place in order to feel "safe". Our blanket agreement is there to remove the need for stated consent for any act (ie: either of us is free to initiate anything we want at any time). Either of us can still say "not tonight honey" but we rarely do.

It takes a lot of time and openness and self-awareness to get to this place but once you are, couples don't generally go backward.

There is no time I've ever felt unsafe sexually and that undoubtedly shapes my experience. Same for my husband. He didn't get the whole "don't follow your instincts and be rapey" messages that many young men get. Things are different when you were not harmed with bad messages or experiences in childhood.

And I'm not the only example...as I keep saying, I've known lots of people who have done lots of kinky stuff with no need for a safe word.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening Anon pink
I agree that people in a *consenting* 24/7 relationship can be happy. It is just that as an outside observer it is difficult to tell if it is really consenting. (unlike a limited-time play relationship where the non-play times are obvious).

I know a couple that is into BDSM and a variety of other non-traditional sexual activities. 

One view: They have a varied and interesting lifestyle.

Other view: He beats her. he cheats on her (they are "poly" but only he takes advantage of that). He stays at home where she cooks, cleans and works a full time job to support them both. 

She *could* leave any time she wants (she is the one with a job), but often abused spouses don't leave. Is it a "alternative lifestyle", or is he abusing her..... Not so easy to tell. 






Anon Pink said:


> I don't think this is accurate. Considering so many people have no idea what a BDSM relationship looks like. The lately emerged Christian Grey might alter that awareness though.
> 
> People in a consenting 24/7 D/s relationship are actually very happy. They would proudly sport their red bottoms and other bruises in their favorite places if people didn't assume they had been abused.
> 
> I do know of one woman, online, who was abused in a consentual BDSM type relationship. She kind of lost herself within it and found herself agreeing to many things that in hindsight, she regrets. Yes, the slight danger is there, particularly for a submissive who enters the relationship as a submissive, instead of finding their submission once the relationship has fully connected.


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

Anonymous07 said:


> :iagree: I would never do any type of role play like this without a safe word. I personally would never ever want to do this type of fantasy(rape fantasy), but think it's very important to have a safe word, especially for a couple just starting out. She may think she wants or likes something, but it's completely different in reality vs the fantasy in the mind.
> 
> I'd talk to her about possible scenarios and see what she thinks she likes vs what she doesn't want. Then take it slow as you try some of those out, watching closely to see her reaction and make sure you both know the safe word to stop things right away if it's more than either of you want.


It depends on personality types and the senario so I can imagine a situation in theory where a couple is so in tuned and similar that a safe word is not needed. Also what some might call a "rape" fantasy may really just be aggressive sex with little resistence or it migt be something much more violent with active resistence. But if you are dealing with a passive aggressive personality there may be hidden limits or nuances of mood that they feel the other person "should" know are responsible for in the event of any after the fact unhappiness. 

I suppose maybe the rule is not to do it with a passive aggressive personality or unless you know the person well. Otherwise if you don't have a safe word then you have to accept there is an element of risk even with long established couples. What if you have a fight with your partner. In the past this has resulted in great make up sex so the dominant partner begins "forcible" sex while the other partner still thinks the fight is ongoing is sex is the last thing on her mind.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening Anon pink
> I agree that people in a *consenting* 24/7 relationship can be happy. It is just that as an outside observer it is difficult to tell if it is really consenting. (unlike a limited-time play relationship where the non-play times are obvious).
> 
> I know a couple that is into BDSM and a variety of other non-traditional sexual activities.
> ...


I think there is a lot of potential for abuse. But what can you do? If she accepts it, she accepts it. And if you tried to talk to her about it, she might just get defensive.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

I think one thing to keep in mind is that play isn't always sexual, and has as its goal seeing how far the bottom can be pushed before he/she "breaks." Some BDSM couples engage in impact and breath play along these lines, where relying on the top (no matter how bonded he is with the bottom) is crucial to safety. Both breath play and impact play is commonly incorporated into rape play.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Right but breath play can also be done without a safe word, because some couples may just use normal communication and say "too much" or "stop". The only reason to use a safe word versus "stop" is a matter of preference. Some couples use a safe word because they don't want to come out of character and say "stop". Again that's just a preference, not a need. 

Safety and consent are necessary. Safe words are not the "only" way to accomplish this.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Right but breath play can also be done without a safe word, because some couples may just use normal communication and say "too much" or "stop".


You can't speak if you're being choked hard enough, and this isn't uncommon in breath play. In this case, it's common for the bottom to hold something in their hand which they drop to signal "stop."


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

A hand signal is not a safe word, and the point I believe was about safe words wasn't it? That's what I keep coming back to. It isn't accurate to say all couples who play need a safe word. What they need is consent and safety. This can be accomplished in several ways.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> A hand signal is not a safe word, and the point I believe was about safe words wasn't it? That's what I keep coming back to. It isn't accurate to say all couples who play need a safe word. What they need is consent and safety. This can be accomplished in several ways.


In the BDSM community, "safe word" is defined broadly, and not literally. It's a negotiated method of communicating "stop" from the bottom to the top. Sometimes, verbal, sometimes not.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I'm confused...do you think I don't know this?

I've made my point and it hasn't changed.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

jld said:


> From p. 165 of The Commerce of Peoples: Sadomasochism and African American Literature:
> 
> "That the safe word may be used to impede the gravitation toward the exercise of real power is undoubtedly what motivates the debate surrounding it. This gravitation of competencies is demonstrated by the fact that the safe word, as a device of safety and consent, usually prevails during the early stages of a relationship but slowly fades as partners approach their potentials."


This is soo interesting to me, mainly because it sort of solidifies something that I've been kicking around about myself, and my own dynamic. Somehow I seem to view the "potential" that is talked about here as . . . undesirable. I've talked about my relationship as a journey, the exploration as a journey. "Approaching potential" sounds so final, like the end of the journey, the destination. But for someone who lives for the journey, for the discovery, for the ever shifting boundaries, the thought isn't comforting, it's worrisome. If we don't need a safeword, where is the danger? If we don't need a safeword, where is the mystery? In an odd way, I think I need uncertainty--or at least the belief in uncertainty. If things cease to evolve and change in my relationship, would I stay? I don't know. This is something I honestly don't know about myself. 

Weird. 

On the other hand, the passage does say that the reliance on the safeword "fades." It's a little unclear if that means the safeword is discarded, or if it just eventually stops being used as the partners get the swing of things. 

Yeah, no. That doesn't sound satisfying. It sounds boring!


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> I'm confused...do you think I don't know this?


I'm sorry to have confused you. The information I offered was meant for general use of anyone participating in/reading this thread.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

Faithful Wife said:


> He didn't get the whole "don't follow your instincts and be rapey" messages that many young men get.


'Satiable curiosity here, but how did he manage to escape that? It's not like you have to actually witness the penalty for rape in the UAE for it to be drilled into your head.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Strange that you quoted me then. Seems to be you are addressing someone when you quote them.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Ocotillo, some people had/have parents who don't have huge hang ups or fears. Or who simply don't talk about sex at all to their kids. Or who can deliver information without using shaming or fear tactics. 

People can actually grow up sexually healthy and know not to rape people without being told sometimes. 

My H has been allowed to develop his sexuality in the absence of a bunch of stigma surrounding it. This is part of why he also ended up finding lots of similarly healthy sex partners and had a great sex life.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Ocotillo...here's another way to say it...what if, as a guy, all your earliest sexual experiences were healthy and consensual...and you never experienced rejection, in fact, you were pursued sexually by women all the time...and there was never in your experience a lack of great sex or enthusiastic partners? If you can wrap your mind around this (plus the absence of shaming messages), then you might understand why this man doesn't really know why others have to be told not to rape people. This would be my husband.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Strange that you quoted me then. Seems to be you are addressing someone when you quote them.


Sometimes yes, sometimes no. It depends on the drift of the convo. I don't think I've had an issue with my intent being misinterpreted before. It's not that I wasn't including you as part of the audience of my comment, it's just that the info wasn't meant for you exclusively or in particular, but rather as part of the larger discussion.


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> A hand signal is not a safe word, and the point I believe was about safe words wasn't it? That's what I keep coming back to. It isn't accurate to say all couples who play need a safe word. What they need is consent and safety. This can be accomplished in several ways.


Likewise, it's definitely not accurate to suggest safe words are mainly for strangers. 

At this point, it seems semantics and technicalities are being used to make sure we all feel okay about ourselves. That's okay with me, as long as the OP knows that having a form of a safe word, whether it be a blanket agreement, a hand signal, body language, a pinch, or just agreeing ahead of time exactly what you will be doing, is important when doing role play. 

FW, I think the story about being drugged is amazing and extremely trusting. I believe my wife and I would do the same, but we've been doing this for a very long time.


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

We've done rape play (without pain or choking) while my wife has drank a lot and is in and out because she is tired from drinking. My wife, enjoys almost not being there consciously and waking up the next morning feeling taken. I think this is an extreme version of rape play, but because it's her husband, it makes her feel an extreme feeling of being vulnerable, without feeling absolutely violated. She'd be upset the next day if I didn't give her those type of feelings. Again, we've been doing this a long time and I'd never suggest this type of play to any couple. It's definitely a bonding experience because of all the trust, the animal feeling a man gets that he knows is wrong, and the woman getting her own desires fulfilled. There isn't a safe word or a safe idea being used during this type of play because there are no extremes being pushed. I would not choke her, hurt her, or do things to her body while she is in and out, because I wouldn't want to really hurt her. All semantics though, because we still have a safe word (it's really a word that makes us both laugh) that we have talked about a long time ago..... and if at any point the word is said, I would stop.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Coldie said:


> ...That's okay with me...


Oh PHEW, I was sooooo worried.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Coldie said:


> It's definitely a bonding experience because of all the trust . .


I think that this is the key to the bonding that a committed couple achieves through "risk play" (for lack of a better word.) It's different than the relationship between strangers who play, or even between play partners who don't have a relationship outside of that play.


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> Oh PHEW, I was sooooo worried.


Enough so you responded just to let me know how muuuuuch you weren't worried.


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## FatherofTwo (Dec 6, 2014)

My wife who grew up in a strict , conservative Catholic family enjoys this fantasy very much. I was taken aback when she first hinted and then finally admitted to her arousing it was for her to be forced and raped with her even being tied up and blindfolded.

At the start we needed the safe word because she wanted me to push and push harder and rougher than the last time we role played and I was afraid of hurting her or going overboard.

Now I do know her limits where she would enjoy so no safe word needed but at the start when two people are just experimenting and sharing for the first time it's crucial. 

Good luck and I hope both of you enjoy.


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## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

Thanks to everyone who has replied to me on this thread. Her and I are trying to plan a night together , hopefully soon. We actually haven't even had intercourse yet believe it or not , we have done everything except. She does live two hours away, so a great deal of our contact is via text or on the phone. Its quite intoxicating for certain, the build up is really intense. We talked for many months before we actually met in person and when we finally did meet, and when I was able to kiss her , all the time waiting was worth while. The buildup and anticipation is not like anything else I have ever felt in my life. We have talked and talked and talked , for hours upon hours and have gotten so very close emotionally that everything else is just falling into place.

I swear every single moment of our relationship feels exactly like the moment before a first kiss, and not just any kiss, imagine that moment right before you kissed the love of your life?? Its perpetually like that for her and I and its truly incredible and intoxicating. I wonder if anyone else has met someone online . or someone a a bit distant from them in terms of location? Her and I have physically been together about 10 times or so , and each time is more intense than the last. 

On our second date she drove the two hours to see me and we we went to the movies, well we tried to go to the movies , prior to going in I asked her permission for a kiss ( our first kiss ) and she said yes. This intense feeling of complete calmness and peace quickly felt like a burning fire, a chaotic and uncontrollable passion. I leaned in slowly and touched her face, and gently parted my lips and barely with the tip of my tongue flicked her upper lip, and her entire body just melted , she began to quiver , and she immediately aroused. We stayed in the car for hours , touching , kissing , exploring one another. The next few dates were exactly the same.

The last time we saw one another I had gotten a hotel room for a week near her house, she came to see me a few times and I can't quite put into words the feelings of excitement. Anyways sorry to get off track here, just figured I would give a little more information about her and I. 

At some point along the way we started to talk more and more about what we both desired, about what turned us both on, and she admitted that she felt very submissive with me. She said that she wanted to just give into every little craving and fantasy that I had. She wanted me to treat her with love and respect, but also do what I needed to do to her in order to feel satisfied. It quickly evolved and we both realized I was very much dominant and she was very much submissive. I am 38 years old and she is 34 and we have never felt this in love before in the past, and neither one of us has ever remotely felt this sexually liberated or turned on. It was like we have found ourselves together, on all levels. We have connected on every possible level, and I wonder if people out there reading this thread felt this way with their spouse? Did you feel a connection with them you could not explain? Did you want to try new things ? Did you and them "find yourselves" together ? This woman is my best friend, and I cannot imagine living my life without her as my wife... I really wonder if anyone would be willing to talk with me about this, I would love to hear from happily married people and how it was in the beginning in their relationship. I know I have been in relationships in the past and I thought I was in love, but looking back I realized that I just really liked them a whole lot. With this woman now, its a wanting, a needing , a craving that if I do not have her, I will slowly die inside . I know that I can make her happy, and I know she makes me happy. I am just so curious to know what the future has in store for her and I. Anyways sorry for the long post, and sort of off thread post, again just wanted to give a little more info about me and her.

In terms of a safe word , I can really see both sides to this, every couple is different, some might require having that word to make them both feel more comfortable , and some might not. I would guess that not having a safe word has that element of danger a little bit, because based on some research I have done things can get pretty intense and its very possible for someone to get very injured with some of this play.

UGHH I really hate that her and I aren't together yet , I hate that we still sleep in separate beds , I hate that she gets so exhausted during the day ( she has a son) and she runs a few small businesses, I hate that she falls asleep when we are talking, I fear that she is getting bored with this , but in my heart I know she is not, and she just exhausted, but my god do I hate this time of the night, I hate when I have so much more to say to her and now I have to wait until morning to tell her.

Is It normal to feel like I am losing my mind ? with her honestly the feelings are so strong, and I feed off her emotions intensely, and I don't know , I feel this wave , this roller coaster of new feelings , emotions , and this powerful grasp she has on me. I feel like I am losing my mind , I guess this is part of falling in love ?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

It sounds like she feels safe with you, so she allows herself to trust you. Be proud of that: you earned it. 

And keep earning it. The best way to do that is to always be a stand up guy. Give her no reason to distrust you. Communicate clearly and listen to her feelings. Seek to understand and then to be understood, a la Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.

People get so focused on the sexual side of D/s, but the underpinning of a successful relationship of that nature is total trust, total transparency. Be always worthy of hers.


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