# Do you leave because of lack of intimacy?



## 1marriedlady (Mar 27, 2015)

I've read numerous people are going through the same as I am - they are not happy with the intimacy/sex in their marriage. I was wondering if there is anyone here who thought about leaving because of this?

Do you give it all up - for sex? I know it's frustrating when your spouse and you are not on the same page. I'm there right now, I want the intimacy back, I want more sex and he's content not have it for months at a time. And when he does - it's dull. 

Do I give up everything we've worked for/at for 20+ years because he's not giving me the sex I want? Would I, could I do that to me, to him, to our kids? 

Intimacy plays a huge role in a marriage and when that is gone? What next? Do you stay, which I know people have. But is it a legitimate reason to leave?


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

Yes

Sunk costs - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It's a tradeoff only you can decide.

I left my marriage of 24 years mostly because of the lack of sex and intimacy, but the lack had also created other issues that made cooperation and respect difficult to maintain.

For me, it was a very good decision to leave, and it was also good for my son, and eventually was good for my ex as well.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

married lady. I think a LOT of people have thought about, or actually have left because of serious sexual issues.
Read through posts past and present here and you will run into a lot of threads where people have left or are seriously considering moving on.

I will personally not make a judgement on this. Needless to say, if everything else is good or ok, and no abuse occurring, it's always better to try to resolve matters.

being content with no sex for months at a time is completely unacceptable for vast majority of people and is a very serious problem. Deep resentment can build up. That's almost not a marriage. room mates.

how many times a year do you think you are intimate?


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

If you are going "months at a time" with no sexual contact and have been married over 20 years, you have topped my similar problems and I can practically guarantee he isn't doing the same.


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## 1marriedlady (Mar 27, 2015)

hookares said:


> If you are going "months at a time" with no sexual contact and have been married over 20 years, you have topped my similar problems and I can practically guarantee he isn't doing the same.



The longest we've gone without is 6 months and I think we finally had sex because I brought it up. And it was terrible, not worth the effort. This time it's been 6 weeks and counting. I know, it's sad that I'm counting.

Hookares - I think you are thinking my hubby is having an affair. I don't believe that, that's not me turning a blindeye, I just know him. He works, he comes home, he sits on the couch, he works around the house. That is his life.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I think that lack of intimacy is one of the root causes for my plan to leave one day. There are many others too numerous to name. I didn't think it would be fair to the kids to make them grow up with her as the primary parent since I know they hate her as much as I do. In addtion, there's no way I could live on just 30% of what I make. My decision was easy, I had to stay and put up with her.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
That really is the big question. Is sex just one (though important) activity you do with your partner, or is it central to the relationship? 

Does it really matter to you, or have you just convinced yourself that it does? 

Is it the lack of sex that bothers you, or the sense of unfairness that you aren't getting sex? If your partner were physically unable to provide any sex (for some reason) would you feel as badly?


It is really difficult to know.


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## MotoDude (Sep 15, 2010)

I'm glad I left and I'm sad and hurt that I was so stupid to stay for that long almost two decade of begging like a dog for food. Oh..tonight, tonight come...i'm tire now, tomorrow. Tomorrow come, I'm relaxing and i'm tire, wait til weekend. Oh..stop bothering me, i want to sleep in, it's 10 freaking am sleep in! This goes on and on and on til you basically stop and jerk yourself off and repeat the begging again after a few day. 

Now I met the woman who will open her legs, pull my pants down for bj and hand job. Let me eat her, and toss my salad and let me in the backdoor. WOW...we been married a few years now, I'm getting it 4-5 times a week, some days I get twice and on weekend she love to wake up and jump on me.

my 1st marriage together almost two decade....I dont even get a hand job...dont know what a BJ feel like. But I live in a nice big beautiful home.

Fack dat! I'm now happy and the new wife is a happy with what we have...and for the 1st time, the new wife know how to save and I"m debt free!


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

1marriedlady said:


> ....if there is anyone here who thought about leaving because of this?
> 
> ....Do I give up everything we've worked for/at for 20+ years because he's not giving me the sex I want? Would I, could I do that to me, to him, to our kids?
> 
> Intimacy plays a huge role in a marriage and when that is gone? What next? Do you stay, which I know people have. But is it a legitimate reason to leave?


First suggestion get the book "Still Sexy after all these years." It is a series of interviews with mature, older women who have lost husbands, had husbands who became impotent for medical reasons, have divorced late in life, etc. It is all about how these womens have retained their sexuality and sensuality despite overwhelming situations.

Second suggestion. I was in a true sex starved marriage, no sex for months and then when it happened it was weapon used by my wife against me when I was most vulnerable. Having been in my marriage nearly 40 years at that time, I decided I would try to save it. My wife was very angry with me, and had emotionally checked out decades earlier. 

What helped me was MW Davis book the Sex Starved Marriage. That, plus Chapman's 5 Languages of Love and other books helped me figure things out. Then I worked on "Getting a Life" and becoming a much better me along with 180's, as well as providing my wife with the things she needed to feel loved (Chapman). We eventually got into sex therapy with a great counselor.

Ultimately, my wife found out that I had a time line where I had promised myself I would be in a loving relationship by a certain milestone birthday with or without her. I have investigated divorce laws and knew the number of months prior to my deadline that I would have had to file for divorce, so it would be final and I could freely start dating to meet my goal. My wife couldn't believe I would divorce her, in her words after all "it was only sex." The sex theapist helped my wife understand that my wife could either allow the marriage to end or continue, but my wife would have no one to blame but herself.

So yes, people have been there, but I wanted to fight to try to save my marriage and with help from some great books and a great sex theapist was able to convince my wife that she too wanted to save the marriage.

Good luck to you.


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

I've had similar experiences & I've decided there are too many good things in our marriage to throw it away over sex.

Sex is the glue to hold a marriage together, but it can still thrive without it, if you choose to let it, like I have done.

I've lowered my drive to be more compatible with hers, a lot of this was because of repeated hurt feelings & not feeling close. Sex became a knife to the heart for me, I enjoy it when it happens, but I don't let it rule my world anymore, it will drive you insane.

I can go a few times a week or once every four months, sadly it's never earth shaking, so not a huge loss.
I'm learning to feel close to her with cuddling on the couch, hand holding & working on our lackluster communication.

I consider my wife an LD, but not a selfish or malicious one. She rarely turns me down, her heart is just not in it, so my asking has greatly diminished over the years. You can make yourself do it for your spouse, but you can't make yourself "want" it. I hate asking, because it's not a reward or a favor and I quit treating it like one. I can tell when she is more open to it and that is the only time I try, it cuts way down on feeling hurt.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

My first marriage ended largely due to a sexual mismatch and although divorce sucks and I would have preferred to be able to work it out with my ex-h, that did not happen and I am much happier now. I was able to date a lot and then ultimately find a sex god and marry him. Woot!


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

I've just finished reading Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay and I've found it enormously helpful. It takes you through a "diagnostic" process step by step which makes it easier to sort out whether or not *you personally* should leave the relationship. Anybody else read this book and found it helpful?


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

I do not think i could stay in a sexless marriage. I would miss that intimacy, the feeling of being loved, and wanted. I would do everything i could to possibly save the marriage first tho, I love my husband and do not think i could live without him, but there is no doubt i would miss the sex and everything that comes with it.

Its also a lot harder if you have children to, although i always said i would never stay just because of the children. Sometimes its better for the children to split up than to stay together.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

You ask, "Do you give it all up - for sex?" 
My current temptation is to leave, give it all up, not to get more sex, but to avoid the constant reminder of what I'm missing. 
We are gaining on the problem currently, and there have never been "months at a time". So I'm ok.
You need to think of it as not just a one missing thing problem. You need to recognize how much it affects. That's my point.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Yep. For sure. I have always known I wasn't the type who could be in a sexless relationship. So much that I have always told my SO up front I can't live like that and it would cause me to leave if it ever occurred. 

I suspect that the reason I have never had a sexless relationship is because I have had this conversation with the consequence attached


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

1marriedlady said:


> I've read numerous people are going through the same as I am - they are not happy with the intimacy/sex in their marriage. I was wondering if there is anyone here who thought about leaving because of this?
> 
> Do you give it all up - for sex? I know it's frustrating when your spouse and you are not on the same page. I'm there right now, I want the intimacy back, I want more sex and he's content not have it for months at a time. And when he does - it's dull.
> 
> ...


For me, and I think for many, it's not just phisical sex that was lacking it's the closeness and intimacy that went with it and the knowledge that the person you chose for the rest of your life just doesn't have that level of feeling towards you.

Splitting up is hard and it's hard on the kids but do you really want to set your unhappy marriage as an example to them. You are their role model for pretty much everything. Your choice is whether you are a good or bad role model. 

How will you feel in the future knowing that your daughter is unhappy, as you are now, because she settled for a dull and passion free marriage thinking that was normal.

There are two sides to every equation.

However I would suggest that you try everything you can to fix the marriage. At least then if you leave you won't regret not trying.


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

doobie said:


> I've just finished reading Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay and I've found it enormously helpful. It takes you through a "diagnostic" process step by step which makes it easier to sort out whether or not *you personally* should leave the relationship. Anybody else read this book and found it helpful?


That book helped me make the final decision to stay. I loved the way it was set up, with all of the questions at the end of each chapter, like mini tests. I've never read a book set up that way. Instead of telling you what to do, the answers you choose make the decision for you.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I ended my 20 year marriage and it was the right/best thing to have done for me and my ex.

It was not all about sex or lack thereof, it was the lack of passion, lack of desire, the losing of my self esteem because of feeling rejected.
But ultimately I ended the marriage because I did not want my kids to make the same mistakes and it was vital to me that they see that we are all worthy of having a happy, fulfilling life.
By that time my then husband revolted me anyway so even if he had of wanted sex I would have said no. He is a very LD man due to being emotionally stunted, he watched his parents live till death in a sexless/passionless marriage and this is the path he was taking us on. I had to stop it for everyones sake.

5 years down the track and I am exceptionally happy, with a man that is my match in many ways inside and outside of the bedroom. We are thriving emotionally, sexually, physically and financially. Had I stayed in my past marriage I would have been miserable and another 5 wasted years would have gone by.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Personal said:


> If I am cohabiting with my spouse and there are no health caveats, I would be seriously concerned if there was no sex for a week or a fortnight.
> 
> If this stretched to a month without resolve I would think my marital relationship is in serious trouble for a myriad of reasons that are unlikely to be about sex.
> 
> ...


Same here, although it would be easier because we don't have children.

By far the biggest benefit I get from being married is regular sex. It doesn't have to be earth-shatteringly wonderful every time, but it has to be relatively frequent (several times a week) and pleasant.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

I didn't just think about it, I was ready to leave. 

Fortunately I followed the advice of this forum and worked on my marriage, giving it my best effort before I quit. It worked, and we're happier than ever. 

I can't imagine going 6 months without sex. I'd never put up with that. By the 3 months mark I'd have been telling her we're done.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Leave. I stayed. It was a horrendous mistake. Yes, sexual mismatch by itself is worth leaving over. Being denied is worth leaving over. Being harassed is worth leaving over.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Young at Heart said:


> My wife couldn't believe I would divorce her, in her words after all "it was only sex." The sex theapist helped my wife understand that my wife could either allow the marriage to end or continue, but my wife would have no one to blame but herself.
> 
> 
> Good luck to you.


I think that's the road I'll be going down one day, once I can handle it financially. Once thing that scares me is that in getting divorced, I won't have enough money for the things I would need to attact another woman. Other women aren't going to want someone who is poor.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

Personal said:


> If I am cohabiting with my spouse and there are no health caveats, I would be seriously concerned if there was no sex for a week or a fortnight.
> 
> If this stretched to a month without resolve I would think my marital relationship is in serious trouble for a myriad of reasons that are unlikely to be about sex.
> 
> ...


Sometimes my husband and I do not have sex for a week, I do not love him any less tho, and the same goes for him too, its just not a major problem for us if we do not have it for that long. It does not mean were any less affectionate tho, we cuddle, we kiss, we tell each other we love each other all the time, we laugh, we joke were happy.... Its not been no longer than 2 weeks tho, and like you say 3 months i do not think i could handle that.

Sometimes were just happy to go to bed and spoon etc.

BUT i still could not live in a sexless marriage, some people have different ideas to what a sexless marriage is... NEVER, occasionally..... twice a week every relationship is different.

Some people could not cope with 3 nights a week, but its ample for me.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

1marriedlady said:


> But is it a legitimate reason to leave?


Yes. Lack of intimacy (and I don't just mean sex) is soul-killing. 

Without true intimacy -- sharing your innermost thoughts, being affectionate, touching, being emotionally vulnerable to your partner, sexual satisfaction -- it really is just another "non-spouse" relationship.

I left my marriage after 20 years for this very reason.


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## Shake_It_Up (Apr 1, 2015)

I'm consistently seeing people refer to leaving their 20 year marriages. What is it with that number, 20? For me, who's in a very similar boat and an 17 year marriage, it's simply taken me several years to finally come to a point where I believe I've done all I can do and that nothing is going to change. My situation has been terrible for over 10 years, but I kept holding out hope that I could fix it. I can't. Seems to be a recurring theme. 20 years or so, and we wake up and realize this is pointless.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

larry.gray said:


> I didn't just think about it, I was ready to leave.
> 
> Fortunately I followed the advice of this forum and worked on my marriage, giving it my best effort before I quit. It worked, and we're happier than ever.
> 
> I can't imagine going 6 months without sex. I'd never put up with that. By the 3 months mark I'd have been telling her we're done.


That is cool as ****, Larry. 

High Five!


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Shake_It_Up said:


> I'm consistently seeing people refer to leaving their 20 year marriages. What is it with that number, 20?... Seems to be a recurring theme. 20 years or so, and we wake up and realize this is pointless.


I agree. I think for many of us, 20 years is about the length of time it takes to get our kids raised, to finally realize that the only reason we even stayed is mostly for the kids. In hindsight, I think my kids would have been FAR better off if I had left when they were younger. But at the time, I thought staying was the right thing for them.

I think you're right, it does seem to be a recurring theme. At twenty years, many people in this boat finally say, "Enough of this sh*t!!!"


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## 1marriedlady (Mar 27, 2015)

happy as a clam said:


> Yes. Lack of intimacy (and I don't just mean sex) is soul-killing.
> 
> Without true intimacy -- sharing your innermost thoughts, being affectionate, touching, being emotionally vulnerable to your partner, sexual satisfaction -- it really is just another "non-spouse" relationship.
> 
> I left my marriage after 20 years for this very reason.


I love him. But I miss what you said - the true intimacy, that's what makes a marriage. I want my husband, NOT a roommate.


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

happy as a clam said:


> Yes. Lack of intimacy (and I don't just mean sex) is soul-killing.
> 
> Without true intimacy -- sharing your innermost thoughts, being affectionate, touching, being emotionally vulnerable to your partner, sexual satisfaction -- it really is just another "non-spouse" relationship.
> 
> I left my marriage after 20 years for this very reason.


How long did it go on like that, prior to the 20 year mark? Ours will be in 2016. Holding on to the good things gets me by, but I wake up more and more wondering if "getting by" will always be good enough???


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I too have contemplated ending my 15+ year marriage to Mrs.CuddleBug many times....

I also feel that the lack of sex, intimacy, physical closeness is soul killing.

We are to take care of each others needs as our own and we are not our own once married.

Sexual mismatch is my number one issue to this day.

We have taken the 5 love languages quiz, I am HD and she is more LD, I am adventurous and she is vanilla, I am into everything always spice it up and she is conservative and predictable. I could have sex with her, give and receive every day, cuddle, physical intimacy (not sex) but she isn't into this nearly as much as I am, so I am sexually and physically starved.

TAM has helped a lot, 5 love languages quiz, and she finally started taking the initiative and going to a gym, walks in front of me naked now, but overall, Mrs.CuddleBug is still overall LD and vanilla. If I bring it up, to talk about it, she tells me, I don't want to talk about it. So I honestly stopped initiating a long time ago and I do my own thing. Yes, everything I've learned has helped but she will probably be LD and vanilla her entire life. 

Good woman and wifee, but what a waste.......


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> I too have contemplated ending my 15+ year marriage to Mrs.CuddleBug many times....
> 
> I also feel that the lack of sex, intimacy, physical closeness is soul killing.
> 
> ...


CB, 

I thought you guys were on the right track now? 

Did things go back to the way they were?


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

I will probably be leaving for this reason. It's a shame that sex is such a strong desire. When you think about it, it's very similar to a drug addiction. It's something we crave constantly for a pleasurable reason. It's the same way an addict goes nuts unless he gets his regular hit. Replace sex with heroin and it's not much different. 

If all I wanted was someone to lie there while I did the deed, I could probably have that. But it's not very satisfying and I feel bad making her do something that she doesn't enjoy. What I really want is the intimacy that sex provides. Unfortunately, nothing else is the same, and like an addict, I can't just wish away the cravings. 

It's been 10+ years of duty sex and 2+ years since we last did it (I stopped initiating). At this point, I have a negative association with sex although I still crave it. I look forward to leaving and not being in a relationship. I can't see wanting to be in a relationship again. I feel really messed up and wish I left years ago.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

T&T said:


> CB,
> 
> I thought you guys were on the right track now?
> 
> Did things go back to the way they were?



Overall, things are great but in the sexual, physical department, Mrs.CuddleBug can still go week / month of no sex and not clue in.

I do initiate sometimes but mostly I don't anymore.

We are eating together, cuddling on the couch, movie and tv together, doing projects for our place together, talking more, almost no fighting, surprise each other with dinners, you name it but she is still overall LD and vanilla. She has lost a lot of weight, new clothes, braces are almost done, hair style and new shoes and I tell her she is my soft and sexy Mrs.CuddleBug and I text her at work everyday too, with pics of flowers and kitties.

All that is fantastic.:smthumbup:

But Mrs.CuddleBug is still........overall............more LD and vanilla.

Not much I can do.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> Overall, things are great but in the sexual, physical department, Mrs.CuddleBug can still go week / month of no sex and not clue in.
> 
> I do initiate sometimes but mostly I don't anymore.
> 
> ...


All of that sounds great except the sex part. Are you happy CB?

I know you were really struggling with it at one point.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

woundedwarrior said:


> *How long did it go on like that, prior to the 20 year mark?* Ours will be in 2016. Holding on to the good things gets me by, but I wake up more and more wondering if "getting by" will always be good enough???


Pretty much the whole marriage 

I should have gotten out years sooner, especially prior to having kids, but honestly, I couldn't figure out what the heck was going on. Sounds pretty dumb now, but I literally spent years trying to "fix" everything, buying books, lingerie, date nights, weekend trips, then counseling. I kept thinking if I could just "hit" on the right combination, it would all fall into place. *sigh*

Back then, the internet was brand new and forums like this didn't exist. Certainly, no one was talking about about LD husbands. People getting married today have a lot more sources of information.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

happy as a clam said:


> I should have gotten out years sooner, especially prior to having kids, but honestly, I couldn't figure out what the heck was going on. Sounds pretty dumb now, but I literally spent years trying to "fix" everything, buying books, lingerie, date nights, weekend trips, then counseling. I kept thinking if I could just "hit" on the right combination, it would all fall into place. *sigh*
> 
> Back then, the internet was brand new and forums like this didn't exist. Certainly, no one was talking about about LD husbands. People getting married today have a lot more sources of information.


I was the same way. I figured I would eventually find the magic combination which would unlock her desire. I happened to stumble across thread on a long since deleted forum called "Married Men, post here if you hate your life." It was filled with post after post by people who were in the same situation as me. They also had been trying for years without any improvement. It was at that moment it clicked that the problem would (likely) never be fixed. But by then we had kids and I thought I should stick around for them. That was 13+ years ago. Now looking back, I realize it's too long to wait and I should have left then.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

T&T said:


> All of that sounds great except the sex part. Are you happy CB?
> 
> I know you were really struggling with it at one point.



Not to derail this thread, but I am happy just not sexually happy.

Mrs.CuddleBug still locks the bathroom doors when having a shower.....and we've never had sex in the shower.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Once the kids leave home, the HD realizes they hate the LD's guts. The HD would not allow themselves to realize this while the kids were living at home and leaving was unacceptable. Now the HD realizes there will be decades more of living with the LD and no kids to buffer the disdain in both directions. Divorce becomes a survival imperative.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Instead of having The 5 Love Languages quiz, also have a HD or LD quiz.

Take the quiz.

Then give the results to each other.

Go from there.


If he turns out to be HD and she is LD, nope.

If he turns out to be LD and she is HD, nope.

If they both are LD or HD, great.:smthumbup:


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## Shake_It_Up (Apr 1, 2015)

The wording of this thread makes me think.... It doesn't say "Do you leave if sex is absent" It says intimacy. They're 2 different things. I don't miss or crave the physical feeling of sex. I can do that pretty well by myself. I miss the connection. I miss feeling the way I feel after really good sex. Its like a drug. My LD wife doesn't understand it, not does she care.


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## 1marriedlady (Mar 27, 2015)

CuddleBug said:


> Not to derail this thread, but I am happy just not sexually happy.
> 
> Mrs.CuddleBug still locks the bathroom doors when having a shower.....and we've never had sex in the shower.


Shower is his favourite place.


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## 1marriedlady (Mar 27, 2015)

Shake_It_Up said:


> The wording of this thread makes me think.... It doesn't say "So you leave is sex is absent" It says intimacy. They're 2 different things. I don't miss or crave the physical feeling of sex. I miss the connection. I miss feeling the way I feel after really good sex. Its like a drug. My LD wife doesn't care to meet that need.


I said intimacy because I can live without sex. I cannot and don't want to live without the intimacy that a marriage should have.


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## Shake_It_Up (Apr 1, 2015)

1marriedlady said:


> Shake_It_Up said:
> 
> 
> > The wording of this thread makes me think.... It doesn't say "So you leave is sex is absent" It says intimacy. They're 2 different things. I don't miss or crave the physical feeling of sex. I miss the connection. I miss feeling the way I feel after really good sex. Its like a drug. My LD wife doesn't care to meet that need.
> ...


Exactly my point. I knew that wasn't an accident.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

As the clock keeps ticking towards 26 months from now, I would say no. Intimacy is not the reason for leaving, but it forces you to focus on every detail of the reaction ship, and avoid the doe eyed assessments that come from "love"

Since I'm planning a rather unexpected exit, the analogy with Pearl Harbor has been made and I'm fine with it. If a spouse is so oblivious that they don't notice the fleet approaching... They deserve what they get.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

doobie said:


> I've just finished reading Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay and I've found it enormously helpful. It takes you through a "diagnostic" process step by step which makes it easier to sort out whether or not *you personally* should leave the relationship. Anybody else read this book and found it helpful?


Yes. I haven't followed through yet. But very illuminating, and breaks it down into small enough steps so as to avoid over generalization.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I believe it is a valid reason. I have considered it heavily over the past two years. My marriage has never been sexless but rather it's a lack of feeling desired or that my orgasms are unnecessary or whatever. 

However my situation has improved since October - since a very candid argument on this subject. And now perhaps it isn't 100% as I would wish, but he is making an effort and things are better and I have stopped thinking about divorce. 

We will be married 20 years later this year. So many people around me are getting divorced right now, it doesn't even surprise me anymore. I think it's a crucial time in a marriage. If things have been pretty good but there have been 2 decades of the same issue I think many feel it's time to jump ship and live the 2nd half of your life differently.


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## Omar174 (Mar 12, 2014)

1marriedlady said:


> Shower is his favourite place.


Beats off in the shower and ignores you?


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## 1marriedlady (Mar 27, 2015)

Omar174 said:


> Beats off in the shower and ignores you?


No Omar. When he wants sex - the shower is a favourite place to do so.


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## Shake_It_Up (Apr 1, 2015)

MissScarlett said:


> We will be married 20 years later this year. So many people around me are getting divorced right now, it doesn't even surprise me anymore. I think it's a crucial time in a marriage. If things have been pretty good but there have been 2 decades of the same issue I think many feel it's time to jump ship and live the 2nd half of your life differently.


Have you been reading my mail?


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

1marriedlady said:


> Shower is his favourite place.


The day Mrs.CuddleBug sneaks into the shower to surprise me. I will be posting here all day.:smthumbup:

If I ever snuck into the shower with Mrs.CuddleBug, she would freak!!!!

Sad she still locks the bathroom doors just to have a shower while I leave the bathroom locks open when I shower.:scratchhead:


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

Dear 1marriedlady

Three months ago, I would have said yes, I felt that I was the only one going without sex, however since then and reading this and other sites, I would say no.
I would advise people not to assume that sex will be a natural adjunct to all marriages, it is something that has to be discussed, probably before marriage. However, my wife said before marriage that she was the Blow Job Queen. This however has not manifested itself during eight years of marriage.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

I'm in a similar position to Jacko - before my marriage, my husband gave the impression that he was a sex god and wanted an adventurous and interesting sex life (those were his words). It's adventurous in as much as we've embarked on the adventure of trying to make a celibate marriage work and that's not interesting at all. Just about anything else you're not getting from your spouse you can get from other people. If you like walking, you can hike with friends, if you like going out, you can go out with friends, if you're extrovert and he's introvert, you can have great platonic relationships with friends. However, if you like sex and you're not getting any, having sex with friends is deemed a betrayal and grounds for divorce. Total lack of sex puts you between a rock and a hard place - you have to suck it up, become "immoral" and cheat or end the marriage. My husband claims he would be devastated if the marriage ends which puts me in a position of having to be the one to hurt him by walking out, taking the immoral option of cheating or just resigning myself to a miserable life of celibacy.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

doibie,

You deserve to reframe how it is you look at the possibility of your marriage ending. Read up on boundaries. You are taking ownership of his breaking his vows to be your husband, and are taking ownership of the consequences of that.

He is choosing to not be a husband. The natural consequence is the marriage is over. Don't blame yourself for doing the sensible thing and filing the paperwork, if you want to some day.

Btw, I have thought what you stated about sex being a unique sort of thing in a marriage several times before. I made that point to my wife, once. I forget what she said, but I remember I didn't like it. Might have been one of the times she told me she wished I would get it from someone else.

It is worse than just the monopoly a spouse has on sex. The fact is, many of us WANTED to share our sexual life exclusively with our partner, because it brings a closeness that otherwise cannot be felt. And then the partner just stops showing up.


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## Ohso lonely (Apr 5, 2015)

My husband and I have had sex once in the last eight, YES EIGHT years!!! Last night I told im we were roommates and not husband and wife. He got pissed but atleast it open up a conversation. He had many reasonz or cutting me off, but they were not valid. Time goes by and before you know it, eight years passes, or our adult son is living with us temporarily, so no alone time, which is total BS! Do I stay or shall I leave. I fantasized about having an affair.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Another one with a 20 year prison sentence here... will be out in about 5... we had our last child very late, so I still have a few more prison years to do...


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Ohso lonely said:


> My husband and I have had sex once in the last eight, YES EIGHT years!!! Last night I told im we were roommates and not husband and wife. He got pissed but atleast it open up a conversation. He had many reasonz or cutting me off, but they were not valid. Time goes by and before you know it, eight years passes, or our adult son is living with us temporarily, so no alone time, which is total BS! Do I stay or shall I leave. I fantasized about having an affair.


Society will accept a woman leaving a marriage where there is little of no physical interaction.It just seems that this isn't true if it is a man who is being deprived.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

Personal said:


> How did he give you that impression, did he prove himself to be a spectacular sexual partner in bed prior to your marriage or did you take his word for it without the test drive and found out otherwise after marriage?


He talked non stop about what a great sex life we had ahead of us. We did have sex before marriage, lots of it and it was interesting and varied. Okay, he was rougher than I liked it, but this is something I was working on - I didn't expect things to change immediately, I honestly believed that we could talk (and with practice) come to a sex style that suited us both. That's pretty hard to do when you don't have sex.


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## Shake_It_Up (Apr 1, 2015)

doobie said:


> My husband claims he would be devastated if the marriage ends which puts me in a position of having to be the one to hurt him by walking out, taking the immoral option of cheating or just resigning myself to a miserable life of celibacy.


I don't buy it. If he'd be devastated, he'd be trying to prevent it.


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

Dear ohsolonely

What is it with 2007, our "dry" spell has lasted since the wedding night a number of things have been mentioned by my wife. Right back to 2007 was Venus out of alignment with Mars for the eight years after 2007. To be serious, it must be more problematic for a woman (Note to self weight for the PC police to descend on my post) than it is for a man, at least society is attuned to the fact that man might not have sex as often as they require. Has your husband given and answers as to why he has not "performed" (note again weight for the PC Police). I would be interested to hear his excuses and see if they match my wife's excuses. Take heart from the fact that you are not the only one in the world suffering this. Hoping that in the world tonight all LD spouses will make love to there HD spouses.


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## Ohso lonely (Apr 5, 2015)

My husbands excuses for no sex for the last 8 yrs are very lame...too tired, (grown) son living at home, even though every weekend our son stays at his girlfriends house, time goes byso quickly, i.e. one week turns into 2, etc. He hasnt givenmy any real reasons.


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## Ohso lonely (Apr 5, 2015)

jacko jack said:


> Dear ohsolonely
> 
> What is it with 2007, our "dry" spell has lasted since the wedding night a number of things have been mentioned by my wife. Right back to 2007 was Venus out of alignment with Mars for the eight years after 2007. To be serious, it must be more problematic for a woman (Note to self weight for the PC police to descend on my post) than it is for a man, at least society is attuned to the fact that man might not have sex as often as they require. Has your husband given and answers as to why he has not "performed" (note again weight for the PC Police). I would be interested to hear his excuses and see if they match my wife's excuses. Take heart from the fact that you are not the only one in the world suffering this. Hoping that in the world tonight all LD spouses will make love to there HD spouses.


Lame excuses.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

The things I want to do with Mrs. CuddleBug would be awesome

- sex in the shower
- lots of toys and oils
- talk dirty
- anywhere, anyplace, anytime
- sky is the limit
- try anal, feet, breasts, lots of give and receive oral, etc.


But if I talk dirty with Mrs.CuddleBug she gets very upset and almost offended. If I ever snuck in the shower to surprise with with sex, she would freak out. She still locks the bathroom doors when having a shower. If I buy more than one sex toy, you stop buying all those things. She is very shy, insecure, LD and vanilla, even though she has comes a long way over the last year.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> The things I want to do with Mrs. CuddleBug would be awesome
> ...
> 
> She is very shy, insecure, LD and vanilla, even though she has comes a long way over the last year.


While it would be great if she did those things, I feel like your expectations are unreasonable. You're expecting too much change in her. It would be like wanting you become a person who doesn't care about sex at all. 

It's like expecting an introvert to become an extrovert. The introvert may be able to make some small changes, but it's unreasonable to expect them to become a person who is super sociable, hosts parties, sings karaoke, and stuff like that. They may do those things once in a while depending on their mood and environment, but it is highly unlikely they will actually become an extrovert--especially if someone else is trying to make them change.


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## Herself (Jul 26, 2014)

Hi all. I'm on the list of having already waited to long but waiting just a bit longer.

I really think the 5 love languages should be taught in high school. I just had no idea a man could be low drive and it has been slowly killing me.

He offered me to have boyfriends, it's just not what I want. The mutual desire for one another and the emotional vulnerability and closeness that comes from sex is part of what I need to live a healthy happy life. I want that with my husband and I want to spoil a man sexually that appreciates it.

The scary part is wondering if a better match is even out there. It's great to hear the encouraging stories.

Hubby started Calais yesterday but I really don't think that will effect drive like he expects it to.
And I'm not hideous I get hit on all the time. Our gp apparently even asked him if he was gay. Oh how I hope I have the strength to go when our deadline comes.

I love him dearly but as a close friend, marriage is more than that to me.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

Herself said:


> Hi all. I'm on the list of having already waited to long but waiting just a bit longer.
> 
> I really think the 5 love languages should be taught in high school. I just had no idea a man could be low drive and it has been slowly killing me.


I've heard a few times that it is much harder for a woman to deal with. The stereotype is that men are up for it anytime they have a pulse and that women often "have a headache". A mans friends will sympathize when his wife isn't interested but when the hubby isn't interested everyone just assumes that it must be her fault. That is not the truth.



> He offered me to have boyfriends, it's just not what I want. The mutual desire for one another and the emotional vulnerability and closeness that comes from sex is part of what I need to live a healthy happy life. I want that with my husband and I want to spoil a man sexually that appreciates it.


I think you are right there. Boyfriends on the side really isn't a solution. If that is what you wanted you wouldn't have got married in the first place.

You really have to wonder how much of a marriage you have when this is his solution instead of him making the effort to live up to the vows he took when he married you.



> The scary part is wondering if a better match is even out there. It's great to hear the encouraging stories.
> 
> Hubby started Calais yesterday but I really don't think that will effect drive like he expects it to.


I presume you meant Cialis? I don't think a trip to France is really going to solve anything. 

Cialis won't do a thing for someone that isn't interested, it doesn't change the lack of interest one iota. It only helps with ED with someone that wants to have sex. If your husband has no interest then his Dr did him a real disservice there.



> And I'm not hideous I get hit on all the time. Our gp apparently even asked him if he was gay. Oh how I hope I have the strength to go when our deadline comes.
> 
> I love him dearly but as a close friend, marriage is more than that to me.


It's more than that to a lot of people, and you are not being selfish or unreasonable expecting marriage to be more than that.

If/when you do leave you will be stunned by how many people are out there in the same situation.


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