# Post-Divorce Co-Parenting - Torn



## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Been divorced since 7/29 after 25 years of marriage. We have a 13-year-old son. My ex basically left and divorced me for another woman. He moved 10 minutes away into our rental house that became vacant in May. She lives out of state but plans to move down here and in with him by the end of the year.

We have joint custody, but I have 80% of it since he is gone (he is an airline pilot) the majority of the time. The Parenting Plan is very flexible as to when each of us will have our son with us. Since my ex moved out in May, when he's home, he comes over and spends the afternoon and evenings him. He takes him to the gym or to play tennis or to dinner - he's not here for most of that time. But DS very rarely stays with him, even though he'll have two or three days off in a row frequently. DS doesn't like staying with him - not because they don't get along or the house isn't welcoming - the ex bought him a new bedroom set of his choosing, and he has one of his video game consoles set up over there. He doesn't, he says, because it bothers him to be living part-time in two different houses, and his dog and most of his stuff is here, and he's just more comfortable here.

I like having him here at night with me and don't want him to suffer because of his Dad's nonsense, but I think he should spend more time with his Dad in general, and I think his Dad shouldn't be able to get away with living like a single, childless guy (nor should his POS girlfriend get to live with him like a teenager with no responsibilities when she gets down here). She signed on to be a potential stepparent in this deal - by God, she'd better plan on doing some parenting.

But I come back to my son. Do I say, "I'm sorry, honey - you know this was not what I wanted - but this is part of being a child of divorce." And make him spend weekends and other occasional nights with his Dad? (His Dad, by the way, has said he'd abide by whatever my wishes are in this regard.) Or do I continue on with things the way they are to try to keep things as comfortable as possible for my son? Note that he's almost 14, and very mature for his age, so if I want to go out for dinner with girlfriends or something, I can leave him alone for a couple hours, so nighttime childcare isn't an issue.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I wouldn't get involved in the relationship between your son and his father. That's between the two of them. .... of course you don't interfere but that's it.

That's how I deal with my ex, I don't get involved. If he wants the boys and they want to go that's fine. If they want to stay home that's fine. They're 12 and 14 so they can decide. 

Fyi, your son is plenty old enough to be home much more than a couple of hours. My 12 year old stays home by himself if school's out and his brother is doing something. I usually sign them up for a camp just so they don't lay around on video games all day every day but if it's just a day out of school here and there he's plenty old enough. I don't leave mine overnight but otherwise I don't even think about childcare.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

intheory said:


> If your son would rather stay with you; let him stay with you.
> 
> I don't think your ex's other woman is responsible for any parenting. But she should be aware that your H has to be fully responsible to his son in all ways; time spent together, financially etc.
> 
> ...


Thank you, intheory. I agree. Yes, it's tempting to want to punish them. But it's more important not to punish my son, and to try to make him feel as comfortable as possible in an uncomfortable situation. My main worry was that maybe he doesn't get to spend as much time with his Dad this way as he could be - but quality is more important than quantity.

For his Dad's part, even when his girlfriend was visiting him for six days shortly after he moved out, he came over every one of those days and was here when DS came home from school and for 3-4 hours afterwards. On the weekend days, he spent all afternoon with him. I asked him how his GF was dealing with that (even though it was none of my business, I know) and he said, "She knows it's part of the deal - and if she can't handle it, it's a deal breaker."

So, yes, I agree that letting DS decide how and when he wants to see his Dad is the way to go.


----------



## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

lifeistooshort, I'm with you, too. I have let him stay home alone all day the couple of days he didn't have camp and I had to work. I also left him alone one evening for about four hours while I went to a concert. I'm the same way - I wouldn't leave him alone overnight, but he can handle himself for several hours on his own. He's also almost 6' tall and looks like he's 16, not 13, so I that takes even more of the worry away. And once our puppy is full grown, she'll be about 60-70 pounds and a force to be reckoned with, besides.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I wouldn't attempt to push either of them onto the other.


----------



## NWCooper (Feb 19, 2013)

Well, I agree your son's relationship with his dad is between them.

However, you are no longer his wife, so I don't think he should have access to your house. That is your personal space now. His son, his time, his house or where ever they choose to go. There will come a time when you might have someone yourself, and the ex husband planted in the living room doesn't sound like an ideal situation.


----------



## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

NWCooper said:


> Well, I agree your son's relationship with his dad is between them.
> 
> However, you are no longer his wife, so I don't think he should have access to your house. That is your personal space now. His son, his time, his house or where ever they choose to go. There will come a time when you might have someone yourself, and the ex husband planted in the living room doesn't sound like an ideal situation.


That's a good point, too, NW. My ex has said that when I start seeing someone else, or just decide I want more privacy, he'll no longer come to the house, except to pick up and drop off. If it were all about me, I'd have drawn that boundary long ago, because it isn't easy seeing him every day, knowing he's in love with someone else and is starting to plan a future with her. But my son says he likes that he comes to the house and shoots baskets and plays ping pong with him like he always used to. Hopefully that's not unhealthy and isn't keeping him from finishing the grieving process of his having left. But it probably is.


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Nomorebeans said:


> That's a good point, too, NW. My ex has said that when I start seeing someone else, or just decide I want more privacy, he'll no longer come to the house, except to pick up and drop off. If it were all about me, I'd have drawn that boundary long ago, because it isn't easy seeing him every day, knowing he's in love with someone else and is starting to plan a future with her. But my son says he likes that he comes to the house and shoots baskets and plays ping pong with him like he always used to. *Hopefully that's not unhealthy and isn't keeping him from finishing the grieving process of his having left. But it probably is.*


I think this is something you should discuss with a counselor. I don't know the answer to this question, but I sure as hell would not want my ex inside my home (of course he's never lived here). I don't even like seeing his truck pull up out front.

As far as your original question, I think I'd leave it as it is for now and be thankful. I only see it becoming an issue when you start dating someone seriously. And who knows, by then he may be ready to spend more nights at his dad's house.


----------



## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

We all lived here together for the last 11 years - our son's growing up years. He doesn't remember the other house we lived in - the house his Dad is now back in.

But I think you're right, STR - whether it's really healthy for him to have his Dad hang out with him here is probably a question for a counselor. He does leave by 7:00 or 8:00 each night - he doesn't stay until he goes to bed or anything like that. But it's still unusual.


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

I'm sorry you're going through this. I feel your hurt through your words. Sending you a virtual hug. 

Your son understand enough of what went down between you and ex. His male instinct to protect kicks in. He's the "man of the house and he knows fathers betrayal hurt you. He may feel that spending time away from you, means mom is lonely and hurt. Then there is also the fact that even if he's getting along with his father, he could still feel hatred for breaking the family apart.


----------



## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Thank you, JS. I really try not to let on to my son how hurt or angry I am about the situation, and his Dad and I have a very civil relationship. His Dad helped fix an AC issue at the house tonight that I didn't ask him to do - he noticed it while he was here and took it upon himself to fix it. It took about an hour overall, and we even got along through the course of that.

But you're right - I'm sure that dynamic of wanting to protect my feelings is part of why my son is reluctant to stay there. I need to make sure it's clear that I really don't mind if he stays there - in fact, I think it would be good for him to, if he wants to.


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I don't know, NMB, its sure sounds as if your ex likes playing family at your house. He can come over for his dad time and when he's with your son, pretend that everything is fine. I definitely agree with talking to a counselor, but it seems the current situation is delaying the inevitable. The time will come when your ex won't be in your house as much, for what ever reason, and your son could have a hard time adjusting. Just my thoughts.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Keep the status quo for the time being as the divorce is all fairly fresh for your son and you need him to feel stable and loved by both of you.
However, as you move on with your life you need to start thinking about what you want also and you may want to draw the line at having your ex come to your house and ask for your son to go to his instead, that is not difficult if it is only a few mins away.
I agree with other posters that it is not about punishing your ExH or the OW but you also have to lay down boundaries that will help you to heal and move on. I cannot see that happening while your ExH is still trying to play happy families and pretend it is all ok. 

You need to reconsider the arrangements, speak to your son about it, he is old enough to understand how you feel about having your ExH in your home regularly and how it makes it difficult for you to move on. As time goes by you will establish boundaries that are more acceptable to you too. Your son needs a mother who is healthy mentally and emotionally too. So start thinking about what you want in terms of the arrangement for your son and your ExH.


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Nomorebeans

From what you've posted here about your son he does appear to be mature for his age. I will say this also, but I was a year older when my parents separated. I hardly went to see my father as he lived with my grandparents. It was very awkward to visit with my father there.

As for your son, I think he knows your pain. Children are much more aware then we give them credit for. Your son may also be greatly disappointed in his father, his choices, and the dismantling of his family. He may be very upset of how his father is treating his mother, and walking out on the family. If your son is not in therapy I would possibly get him in so he has a chance to work this out. Best of luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Nomorebeans said:


> Been divorced since 7/29 after 25 years of marriage. We have a 13-year-old son. My ex basically left and divorced me for another woman. He moved 10 minutes away into our rental house that became vacant in May. She lives out of state but plans to move down here and in with him by the end of the year.
> 
> We have joint custody, but I have 80% of it since he is gone (he is an airline pilot) the majority of the time. The Parenting Plan is very flexible as to when each of us will have our son with us. Since my ex moved out in May, when he's home, he comes over and spends the afternoon and evenings him. He takes him to the gym or to play tennis or to dinner - he's not here for most of that time. But DS very rarely stays with him, even though he'll have two or three days off in a row frequently. DS doesn't like staying with him - not because they don't get along or the house isn't welcoming - the ex bought him a new bedroom set of his choosing, and he has one of his video game consoles set up over there. He doesn't, he says, because it bothers him to be living part-time in two different houses, and his dog and most of his stuff is here, and he's just more comfortable here.
> 
> ...


The highlighted text to me says "your dad did this, now you need to suffer the consequences"

While the statement may be true I think it's bad parenting to say it to the child. You have to remember the relationship between you and your ex is different than the relationship between a parent and child. It's not your job to nurture the father son relationship, that's on dad, but try not to ever project your hostility toward the ex onto your son.


----------



## 2&out (Apr 16, 2015)

"I think his Dad shouldn't be able to get away with living like a single, childless guy (nor should his POS girlfriend get to live with him like a teenager with no responsibilities when she gets down here). She signed on to be a potential stepparent in this deal - by God, she'd better plan on doing some parenting."

Wow. I hope this isn't what this post is really about.


----------



## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

I can't imagine trying to force my kid on her father if she didn't want to go and he wasn't really available. 

I love having my kid with me. I think you're extremely fortunate that your son wants to be with you the majority of the time. 

Its almost like you think you'd be punishing your ex and his gf by forcing your child over there...that's bizarre to me. And you can't force his gf to parent your child either. How those relationships are managed is really between your ex and his gf....its not really your business.

I do however think that if you're doing the majority of the parenting time, you have every right to request fair child support based on the percentages. If I were you, I'd be filing a motion to compel him to pay the proper proportional share of support because he isn't taking him half the time and that's not fair to you and your son.


----------



## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Did any of you last few posters read the whole thread, or just my original post? I have no intention of saying that to my son. And no, I don't plan to use my son to punish my ex. If you read the whole thread, you'll see I'm wondering if ultimately it's healthy for my son to have my ex come over to our house regularly and play Happy Family, as others here have said, rather than spend time with his Dad elsewhere.

EnigmaGirl, you cheated. Tell me - did you go hang out with your kids after your divorce in your ex-husband's home regularly? Would you have, if your divorce had been relatively amicable, you still got along with your ex, and he was open to that arrangement?

I'm sorry that I used that highlighted phrase in my OP for emphasis - that's all I meant by it, but it was a poor way of getting that idea across. I would never say such a thing to my son. I've asked him if he'd like to go spend time over at his Dad's and he's said he prefers for him to come here. My ex prefers that, too, because he gets to pretend nothing has really changed and he didn't do a really sh!tty thing to me for a while.

Clearly, it's not healthy for me. What I'm torn about is whether and for how long I should go on allowing this arrangement to continue as it is when it still tears my heart out to see my ex every day and pretend everything is how it used to be when its not. I don't want to hurt my son or punish him for our divorce, so I really don't know how to fix this and was looking for some advice. Your advice seems to be "Don't be such a selfish b!tch."  Thanks, but you misunderstand me - that's the last thing I'm being, here.


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Nomorebeans said:


> Did any of you last few posters read the whole thread, or just my original post? I have no intention of saying that to my son. And no, I don't plan to use my son to punish my ex. If you read the whole thread, you'll see I'm wondering if ultimately it's healthy for my son to have my ex come over to our house regularly and play Happy Family, as others here have said, rather than spend time with his Dad elsewhere.
> 
> EnigmaGirl, you cheated. Tell me - did you go hang out with your kids after your divorce in your ex-husband's home regularly? Would you have, if your divorce had been relatively amicable, you still got along with your ex, and he was open to that arrangement?
> 
> ...


Your son sounds like a really great kid. This is such a tough situation, though, since I know you don't want to put him in the position of making adult decisions (i.e. "OK mom, I'll go over there if you need me to) when he's not an adult . 

I do think he's old enough to understand that your feelings matter, too, and that you need some boundaries. 

Do you think there's any part of him that is still hoping you guys get back together?


----------



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

OP if I misunderstood your comments I apologize, your angry (and hurt) are obvious, and I know from my own experience kids pick up on that. 

Personally I wouldn't let my ex wife come back into my home to hang out with the kids, and she wanted to do just that, at that point she was like a trespasser to me. When she left me and the kids to move in with another man she gave up that right to pretend we still were a family unit. I think the ex coming back into the home for visits and play time just confuses the kids and stymie's the healing process. It is your ex's responsibility to maintain relationship with his child, you don't do anything to undermine that relationship but the ex has to step up and make it clear to your son that things have changed.


----------



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

OP if I misunderstood your comments I apologize, your angry (and hurt) are obvious, and I know from my own experience kids pick up on that. 

Personally I wouldn't let my ex wife come back into my home to hang out with the kids, and she wanted to do just that, at that point she was like a trespasser to me. When she left me and the kids to move in with another man she gave up that right to pretend we still were a family unit. I think the ex coming back into the home for visits and play time just confuses the kids and stymie's the healing process. It is your ex's responsibility to maintain relationship with his child, you don't do anything to undermine that relationship but the ex has to step up and make it clear to your son that things have changed.


----------



## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

I think I can diagnose this situation from all sides. The husband/dad is feeling tremendous guilt and probably still questions deeply if its(SHE) all really "worth it". So hes getting to live two lives right now until GF moves down. His bachelor pad and his family home. He currently has the best of both worlds but knows it will end soon. NMB is still sad/angry but probably knows in her heart there was not much flame left with the ex-husband anyway. She is more concerned about the effects on her son. She seems very level headed and probably approached her marriage in this same way. ie Wasn't in love per se but her life was working as a family. The son is most likely a little off axis with all that's going on. He loves to stay in the family home because that's where he has always been and feels safe/comfortable there in there in the midst of all the chaos. Therefore, I think you continue to let the kid choose if and when he wants to stay at the bachelor pad. He is actually learning a life lesson along with everyone else. In the real world, more often than not, marriage ends in divorce. And the long term marriages end more often than not, because of third party involvement. DUDE


----------



## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> EnigmaGirl, you cheated.


What the hell?!? Where did you get the idea that I cheated?

I certainly *did not cheat *on my ex husband, I simply initiated a divorce. 



> Tell me - did you go hang out with your kids after your divorce in your ex-husband's home regularly? Would you have, if your divorce had been relatively amicable, you still got along with your ex, and he was open to that arrangement?


No, I would not but I also don't think all divorce situations are equal. Some people can get along and manage certain things for the kid's sake...some can't.

If you're finding that you can't tolerate this arrangement, then don't.



> Your advice seems to be "Don't be such a selfish b!tch." Thanks, but you misunderstand me - that's the last thing I'm being, here.


If you're referring to me, I certainly said no such thing.

I was saying that 1. Its a good thing that your son prefers to spend time with you, 2. That you can't control your ex husband's gf's behavior and 3. If you have your son for more time than was agreed upon, then your ex should be paying more CS since you're absorbing more of the parental burden.


----------



## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Your son sounds like a really great kid. This is such a tough situation, though, since I know you don't want to put him in the position of making adult decisions (i.e. "OK mom, I'll go over there if you need me to) when he's not an adult .
> 
> I do think he's old enough to understand that your feelings matter, too, and that you need some boundaries.
> 
> Do you think there's any part of him that is still hoping you guys get back together?


There might have been a part of him that hoped for that at first, but I don't think he does so much anymore. Nothing that's really been said - just a change in the vibe I pick up from him.


----------



## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Cooper said:


> OP if I misunderstood your comments I apologize, your angry (and hurt) are obvious, and I know from my own experience kids pick up on that.
> 
> Personally I wouldn't let my ex wife come back into my home to hang out with the kids, and she wanted to do just that, at that point she was like a trespasser to me. When she left me and the kids to move in with another man she gave up that right to pretend we still were a family unit. I think the ex coming back into the home for visits and play time just confuses the kids and stymie's the healing process. It is your ex's responsibility to maintain relationship with his child, you don't do anything to undermine that relationship but the ex has to step up and make it clear to your son that things have changed.


No worries - I admit that I was very angry at my ex for living like a bachelor or a grandparent who just comes over to visit our son for a few hours and then leaves. He's not having to do any of the heavy lifting anymore - getting him to bed, limiting his video game playing, helping him with homework, nagging him to brush his teeth, supervising him and his friends when they come over. I don't mind doing any of this - it's part of being a parent, and I actually enjoy it, but he's being more of a playmate than a parent these days, and it irritates me. I wouldn't use our son to punish him for that, though, and I'm sorry I came off that way.

Your advice is excellent. It's really a discussion I need to have privately with his Dad about boundaries for the good of my own mental health, and about it really being his responsibility to facilitate his relationship with his son. Maybe he can take him off to the gym or basketball practice or somewhere else more often, and they can stop by his house in their travels, since it's so close, for short periods of time to start. But he can't keep hanging around here like he still owns the place - he both literally and figuratively no longer does.


----------



## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Dude007 said:


> I think I can diagnose this situation from all sides. The husband/dad is feeling tremendous guilt and probably still questions deeply if its(SHE) all really "worth it". So hes getting to live two lives right now until GF moves down. His bachelor pad and his family home. He currently has the best of both worlds but knows it will end soon. NMB is still sad/angry but probably knows in her heart there was not much flame left with the ex-husband anyway. She is more concerned about the effects on her son. She seems very level headed and probably approached her marriage in this same way. ie Wasn't in love per se but her life was working as a family. The son is most likely a little off axis with all that's going on. He loves to stay in the family home because that's where he has always been and feels safe/comfortable there in there in the midst of all the chaos. Therefore, I think you continue to let the kid choose if and when he wants to stay at the bachelor pad. He is actually learning a life lesson along with everyone else. In the real world, more often than not, marriage ends in divorce. And the long term marriages end more often than not, because of third party involvement. DUDE


Yes, you pretty much nailed it. I think you're right, but I think Cooper is right, too. No one should force our son to spend time at his Dad's house if he doesn't want to. But his Dad also shouldn't saunter around here like he still lives here, especially considering it was his choice to leave. There needs to be a balance of sorts.


----------



## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

EnigmaGirl said:


> What the hell?!? Where did you get the idea that I cheated?
> 
> I certainly *did not cheat *on my ex husband, I simply initiated a divorce.


I had gotten the impression from one of your posts in another thread that when you and your ex h separated, you moved in with another man whom you're now married to. Sorry I misunderstood. My mistake.



EnigmaGirl said:


> No, I would not but I also don't think all divorce situations are equal. Some people can get along and manage certain things for the kid's sake...some can't.
> 
> If you're finding that you can't tolerate this arrangement, then don't.
> 
> I was saying that 1. Its a good thing that your son prefers to spend time with you, 2. That you can't control your ex husband's gf's behavior and 3. If you have your son for more time than was agreed upon, then your ex should be paying more CS since you're absorbing more of the parental burden.



I think it's a good thing, too, that my son prefers to spend time with me, and I'm happy to have him here with me as often as possible. My ex h is paying more child support than the joint custody agreement formula calls for, and the additional amount he's paying (which adds up with the rest to the maximum allowed plus a few more hundred a month) is in writing in the agreement. So no worries there, but you make a good point.

I was bitter in my first post not about being given an unfair settlement, but about looking ahead to the start of school (the kids started back here yesterday), and knowing I would always be the one getting our son up and going to school while getting myself ready for work and taking care of the dog every day, and he'd never have to help with any of that again under our current arrangement. I had an unusually stressful week at work coming up and was feeling overwhelmed and undersupported from a time aspect, not a monetary one.

Yes, I hate the idea of the OW living the Life of Riley on his dime when she gets down here to the resort town we live in (he's told me she'll have to leave her current job, and might not work "for a while"), but that's really not my problem and shouldn't be my concern. I really would never punish my son in order to get back at her - in fact, if I'm really honest, I hate the idea of him even having to meet her, let alone spending any time with her. But I think as time goes by, he will likely have to in order to maintain a good relationship with his Dad.


----------



## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> I had gotten the impression from one of your posts in another thread that when you and your ex h separated, you moved in with another man whom you're now married to. Sorry I misunderstood. My mistake


lol...no problem. I was legally separated for over 7 months before I met my now husband. And I never moved in with him...I bought my own home and moved in all by myself. We got married years over 5 years later after my divorce was final.

There was a thread about dating while separated and someone had the opinion that dating while legally separated is cheating...so maybe that's where you got the idea. Personally, I don't agree that dating while legally separating is cheating...especially since it took me 6 years to get divorced.



> I was bitter in my first post not about being given an unfair settlement, but about looking ahead to the start of school (the kids started back here yesterday), and knowing I would always be the one getting our son up and going to school while getting myself ready for work and taking care of the dog every day, and he'd never have to help with any of that again under our current arrangement. I had an unusually stressful week at work coming up and was feeling overwhelmed and undersupported from a time aspect, not a monetary one.


You know what I noticed after I divorced? That I wasn't around to mask my ex's behavior...especially in parenting suddenly my kids staring noticing that my ex is kind of a jerk of a dad in a lot of respects.

To give him credit, he's present....which is more than some parents are. But he's also self-absorbed, cheap, mean, and he yells alllll the time. He's an angry guy.

When I was married to him...we parented as a couple, so where he lacked, I made up and vice versa. Without me around, his bad traits are just a lot more obvious and I'm not there smoothing things over with the kids or cajoling him to stop screaming. So its not that he changed into a worse parent after divorce, its just that exposed on his own, his personality traits are unmasked and a lot more obvious.

So thinking back, where you always doing the majority of the work anyway...or were you nagging him to participate when he didn't want to....or is this really new behavior?


----------



## HeartbrokenW (Sep 26, 2012)

My daughter was 12 when her dad and I parted ways. But she was old enough to have whatever relationship he wanted to have with her. She had her own cell phone so he contacts her, she contact him, etc. She didn't go often, but when she did, it was something they decided on. This past January, he moved 2000 miles away.. so now she only sees him over the summer. I just stay out of it.. their relationship is between them. What sucks is that I had to pay for the airline ticket to fly her home afterwards as he said he couldn't afford it. (He doesn't pay support either, I support our daughter. Its a long story, don't ask.)


----------



## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

EnigmaGirl said:


> lol...no problem. I was legally separated for over 7 months before I met my now husband. And I never moved in with him...I bought my own home and moved in all by myself. We got married years over 5 years later after my divorce was final.
> 
> There was a thread about dating while separated and someone had the opinion that dating while legally separated is cheating...so maybe that's where you got the idea. Personally, I don't agree that dating while legally separating is cheating...especially since it took me 6 years to get divorced.
> 
> ...


I don't think of meeting someone while you're already legally separated and starting a relationship as cheating. My ex h tried to pretend that was what was happening/happened, when he asked to separate after actually already having met and had a PA with her (unbeknownst to me at that time). He would have gotten away with it, at least for a while, if I hadn't caught them.

So I was projecting onto you. Your story reminded me of the false one my ex attempted to tell the world, to avoid admitting he'd gone about it all wrong. I went down the rabbit hole with it from then on. 

As to your last questions, I always felt I was doing the majority of the work because he was physically gone for more than half our marriage, as he is an airline pilot. I didn't think I resented him for that, but clearly, I did. For his part, he is a good and involved father. I never nagged him to help out when he was home, or didn't feel like I should, because I married him knowing what his profession would be, it had its perks, and I shouldn't complain. But he had his selfish ways. He would need to have an hour or two upon arriving at home after every trip (no matter how short or long) to "decompress." Funny, I am an IT Manager of five employees. I was always expected to hit the parenting ground running the second I got home. Time to make dinner, check homework, feed and walk the dogs. While he napped, because 5:00 to 6:00 p.m. was when he often had "a sinker." On weekends, I would get up, take care of the dogs, make breakfast for our son and myself, and sometimes shower and grocery shop before he'd even get up. And then, he'd have to go for a run or a bike ride and shower before he'd even start to consider interacting with either of us. This wasn't just in the latter years when things had gone South - this was always.

The important thing is I'm not bitter. To sum up: The answers to your questions are yes, no, and no. I've always done the majority of the work, I didn't nag him, really, because it's not my nature, and no this isn't new behavior for him.

You're spot on about the unmasking, and I use that term about him from time to time. I don't believe people change. We just come to see each other for what we really are over time. Our son is learning how selfish his Dad is, and not because I ever say anything to show him that. The other day, at 4:00, he goes, "Dad just called to say he's gonna 'close his eyes' for a half hour and then come take me to the gym. I guess we'll see him at about 7:00."

Yep, kids figure out what's what when the mask comes off.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Nomorebeans said:


> That's a good point, too, NW. My ex has said that when I start seeing someone else, or just decide I want more privacy, he'll no longer come to the house, except to pick up and drop off. If it were all about me, I'd have drawn that boundary long ago, because it isn't easy seeing him every day, knowing he's in love with someone else and is starting to plan a future with her. But my son says he likes that he comes to the house and shoots baskets and plays ping pong with him like he always used to. Hopefully that's not unhealthy and isn't keeping him from finishing the grieving process of his having left. But it probably is.


If you've not already done so, change the locks. And if you have, and your ex has somehow obtained a key, change them again and make sure that he doesn't get another key.

Then tell him to get a basketball net and ping pong table at his own f*cking house.


----------



## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> If you've not already done so, change the locks. And if you have, and your ex has somehow obtained a key, change them again and make sure that he doesn't get another key.
> 
> Then tell him to get a basketball net and ping pong table at his own f*cking house.


Just checking back in to report that the ex bought and set up a ping pong table at his own f*cking house yesterday. And took our son to a local public basketball court to practice basketball instead of using our goal out in the cul de sac in front of our house. Last night, he said he thinks our son should start spending more (or some) time over at his house with him.

I wish I could say I stepped up and initiated that conversation, as I should have and was planning to, but it was he who did. Typical of our screwed up relationship, I guess. The important thing is that we're going to start no longer playing the "Happy Family" game. I'm very relieved about that - I'm way over living in Plan B Limbo.


----------



## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

NWCooper said:


> Well, I agree your son's relationship with his dad is between them.
> 
> However, you are no longer his wife, so I don't think he should have access to your house. That is your personal space now. His son, his time, his house or where ever they choose to go. There will come a time when you might have someone yourself, and the ex husband planted in the living room doesn't sound like an ideal situation.


:iagree::iagree:

your son probably has a love-hate relationship with him .

over time , if you are happy , all things are fine and he can have two sets of parents . 

If you are alone and not happy , he probably will resent him later years . I would .


----------

