# New Relationship doubts



## CTPlay

Hi,

I have been in a relationship with someone for about 6 months now but I'm having some doubts. She has no kids and we are about the same age.

A little background about me, I've been divorced/separated for 2 years now. Or has it been 3? Time flies when you are having fun I guess. I have 2 kids, young.

The person I have met, she seems to be quite aggressive with the pace of the relationship. She sleeps over every weekend, and we talk religiously each and every night. I just get the feeling that she wants to move forward very quickly. She says that at our age, speed quickens the pace. She has been divorced for 3 years or 4. She was brought overseas and got married. She divorced after 10 years of what she says was a loveless childless marriage. 

My issue is that she is basically starting her life from zero. She has no savings, no real education, and lives with friends (married couple). She is from overseas but she is employed and currently going to college part time. She likes to drop hints. She mentioned that she can't be doing college part time and that she may be considering doing it full time and working part time. I have no idea how that would work for her. We live in a very very expensive city. I get the feeling that by moving in with me, I could support her? I dunno. I also am getting a bit weary on being her driver. 

Other than being quite aggressive with her pace, she seems nice enough. I'm by no means in love. She is a change from the normal women I date who are basically all corporate women. I'm not saying that is a good or bad thing. 

We just got into an argument as she basically hid the fact that she has no education when I was under the impression that she was highly educated. Her background is unfamiliar to me. I'm not at all knowledgeable about her home country. She is not careless with money. 

Any advice?


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## minimalME

In terms of modern dating, 6 months is a pretty healthy amount of time. I've rarely gotten past four dates.

I'm curious as to why you've spent so much time with her? What is it that you want in general? Marriage? Girlfriend?

Do you think she was ashamed of her lack of education?


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## CTPlay

minimalME said:


> In terms of modern dating, 6 months is a pretty healthy amount of time. I've rarely gotten past four dates.
> 
> I'm curious as to why you've spent so much time with her? What is it that you want in general? Marriage? Girlfriend?
> 
> Do you think she was ashamed of her lack of education?


Those are great questions, lol. I spent a lot of time with her because she's easy going and seems not too care too much that I don't live in splendor and glory. She seems to be quite accepting of my 50% child custody situation and knows not every weekend is available. I've not had that kind of acceptance before. 

I would like to get married again. Dating is just not a whole lot of fun. She is definitely sensitive to her education background. She has a lot of pride. And that's not a bad thing.


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## minimalME

I agree, I'm not fond of dating either. And acceptance is vital.

My initial thoughts - she's employed and going to school. Those are good things. The fact that she lives a minimalist sort of lifestyle doesn't bother me personally, cause I do too. But I'm financially independant. 

If you're fond of her, maybe just wait it out and see what choices she makes on her own?

And if you don't like toting her around, be honest.

I think it's normal and healthy to have doubts. 

Relationships these days seem very fragile, and a lot of people are willing to toss it if things aren't perfect. I don't think that's a good thing, but at the same time, can you see yourself marrying this person?


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## CTPlay

minimalME said:


> I agree, I'm not fond of dating either. And acceptance is vital.
> 
> My initial thoughts - she's employed and going to school. Those are good things. The fact that she lives a minimalist sort of lifestyle doesn't bother me personally, cause I do too. But I'm financially independant.
> 
> If you're fond of her, maybe just wait it out and see what choices she makes on her own?
> 
> And if you don't like toting her around, be honest.
> 
> I think it's normal and healthy to have doubts.
> 
> Relationships these days seem very fragile, and a lot of people are willing to toss it if things aren't perfect. I don't think that's a good thing, but at the same time, can you see yourself marrying this person?



Yes, I could see me being married to her... but she's not "perfect".


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## minimalME

CTPlay said:


> Yes, I could see me being married to her... but *she's not "perfect"*.


None of us are.


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## oldshirt

CTPlay said:


> Any advice?


Do not marry her, knock her up (she may say she is on the pill or other BC and not really be) have her move in, give her money or support her. 

And do not fall in love with her emotionally to the degree that you do anything stupid (like getting married, knock her up etc etc )

It is ok to date and spend time with her, but do not do anything that will make you legally obligated to her in any way. 

*Do not invest more than you are willing to lose. *


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## CTPlay

oldshirt said:


> Do not marry her, knock her up (she may say she is on the pill or other BC and not really be) have her move in, give her money or support her.
> 
> And do not fall in love with her emotionally to the degree that you do anything stupid (like getting married, knock her up etc etc )
> 
> It is ok to date and spend time with her, but do not do anything that will make you legally obligated to her in any way.
> 
> *Do not invest more than you are willing to lose. *


That is some harsh advice. Why so extreme?


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## oldshirt

CTPlay said:


> That is some harsh advice. Why so extreme?


It's not harsh or extreme at all. In fact, I am quite surprised that you think it is. 

That is very down-home, practical and sage advice. 

It is fine for you to date and spend time together and enjoy each other's company to your heart's content. 

But the moment you knock her up, marry her or have her change her permanent address to your home and you support her in any way, then that shifts your relationship into one with legal ramifications. Then it is a whole new ballgame. 

You have some very logical and legitimate concerns here. There is a realistic chance she is simply looking for a meal-ticket and ticket to stay in this country. 

If you do not entertwine any of your finances, do not marry her or officially cohabitate with her and do not impregnate her, the chances of you being on the hook for her legally or financially are quite small. 

If you do do any of those things, then you are at risk if she turns out to just be looking for a meal-ticket and roof over her head in this country.


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## 23cm

Some wisdom from films:

Run Forrest. Run

It’s a trap!

I’m walking here. I’m walking here 

Houston we have a problem. 

Hasta la vista baby.


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## Red Sonja

So she misled you about her education level, what else don't you know about her? From what you describe of her she is looking to be supported financially (by you) sooner rather than later. At 6 months you do not know her well enough to marry, cohabitate or support her financially in any way. It takes about 2 years to really know someone.

Enjoy the relationship but do not let her bully you into any entanglements and, be cautious because the "hinting" and "aggressive" pushing you describe _are _red flags.


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## Cynthia

How did you meet her since she's outside of the normal profile of who you date?

Why did you think she was highly educated and when did you find out that she is not?

You've known her for six months, but this information just came out or has she told you a little at time and it's all coming together in your mind and causing you concern?

You didn't say exactly what you are concerned about. Do you think she is looking for someone to take care of her?

How much longer until she is finished with her education?

She may be able to go to school full-time and work part-time with financial aid.


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## sa58

You do not know her, you just found out
about her education level. Think about 
what else you may not know. Why did
she get divorced? You only know what 
she tells you. What will you find out later?
If she moves in with you will she continue 
to go to school? No one is perfect but
you should take more time and may be
just be supportive in helping her achieve
her goals.


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## chillymorn69

Shes not a keeper.

Just my opinion!


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## farsidejunky

CT, I think you know there are underlying issues here.

To my knowledge, this is the first one you have asked us about since your divorce. 

That in and of itself gives me pause.


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## StarFires

You sound both confused and confusing. You're not in love with her, but you could see yourself married to her? You're not sure about the relationship and looking for advice, but you were vague about what advice you need. You said you were under the impression she was educated but didn't tell us what gave you that impression. You said you she had an argument about it but didn't tell us what the argument was. What is her side of the matter?

I also don't know in what way you feel she is rushing things. It's been six months. What's wrong with her spending the weekends and the two of you talking each night? I kind of thought that what couples do.

Really though, if you don't love her after six months, then you're just messing around. You need to stop playing with her feelings and let her go so she can find the love and life she's looking for. You are just having fun, and she needs to know that. Otherwise, you are just using her, and she needs to be in on that so she can make her own decisions, rather than you deciding for her that it's okay for you to string her along for your own purpose. So either break up with her, or let her know you are not serious and the relationship won't go any farther.


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## Satya

CTPlay said:


> I'm by no means in love.


Tell her this.

The only reason you're being swept up is because you allow it.

Let her go so she can find a man who wants to make her a kept woman and will fund her education.

You're simply incompatible. There's nothing wrong with admitting it, to yourself and to her. There's inherently nothing wrong with what she wants either, it just doesn't resonate with what you're willing to provide.

Let her go and find a woman who is at a more accomplished stage in her life.


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## Andy1001

This is eerily similar to what happened to a former colleague of mine. He had never been married and hadn’t really dated much but by the time he was thirty he was fairly wealthy and he had a great apartment in Manhattan. He met a foreign national and within a few weeks she had virtually moved in with him. She was talking marriage almost immediately and after about six months they went to Vegas and got married. 
Within a few weeks she told him that her brother was coming on a visit but he sensed something was off when this guy arrived,his wife and her brother seemed very close and were always going out together and on overnight “sightseeing” trips. 
One day he got a call from the cops about leaving the scene of an accident,problem was he had been at work when the accident occurred. His wife begged him to say it had been him driving but he wouldn’t play ball.Her brother was arrested and it turned out that her so called brother was really her ex husband and the whole thing was a scam. Her ex husband was an illegal immigrant and he was deported and after a quick divorce she followed him.
Their plan was she was going to college in another state for four years on my friends dime. Guess who she would have been rooming with.


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## SunCMars

CTPlay said:


> Those are great questions, lol. I spent a lot of time with her because she's easy going and seems not too care too much that I don't live in splendor and glory. She seems to be quite accepting of my 50% child custody situation and knows not every weekend is available. I've not had that kind of acceptance before.
> 
> I would like to get married again. Dating is just not a whole lot of fun. She is definitely sensitive to her education background. She has a lot of pride. And that's not a bad thing.


You said that you are 'not' so fond of her?

You should be. She is 'easy' to get along with. That is a huge plus.
It also could be because she 'needs' to be easy, friendly at this stage. She is trying to win you over.

Give this relationship time. Encourage her aims, but do not let her move in with you, yet. If you can afford it, lend her a little money toward her schooling. 

See what happens. 
Note: If things between you do not move 'fast enough' for her, she may shed you, not vice-versa. Relationships are so fragile.


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## SunCMars

Satya said:


> Tell her this.
> 
> The only reason you're being swept up is because you allow it.
> 
> Let her go so she can find a man who wants to make her a kept woman and will fund her education.
> 
> You're simply incompatible. There's nothing wrong with admitting it, to yourself and to her. There's inherently nothing wrong with what she wants either, it just doesn't resonate with what you're willing to provide.
> 
> Let her go and find a woman who is at a more accomplished stage in her life.


Which will it be?
One who is accomplished and a pain in the butt?
One who is working to better herself, and pleasant to be with?

Really accomplished people are driven, and often drive others crazy. :|
Or so it seems to me!! 

I am surrounded by accomplished people. And most are rather neurotic. To say the least.

By marrying an accomplished women, your joint bank account will surely grow, but so will the incoming tension between you two.
Or so it seems to me!!


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## Tatsuhiko

I can't fault her too much for lying about her educational background. My sense is that she's running among the big Americans now and feels like she is not up to par. Her talk about full-time schooling and part-time work is her ambition speaking, which is admirable. Maybe it's not something she can realistically accomplish without financial support, but I'd be inclined to admire her more than some golddigger who's looking to get married and retire to a life of daytime television. She can be made to understand that you need more time for the relationship to develop. If she bails out immediately at that point, then you have your answer.


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## [email protected]

CTPlay said:


> Hi,
> 
> I have been in a relationship with someone for about 6 months now but I'm having some doubts. She has no kids and we are about the same age.


Sounds like early 30's. 



> The person I have met, she seems to be quite aggressive with the pace of the relationship. She sleeps over every weekend, and we talk religiously each and every night.


Yet, you seem to hardly know her. You also don't want anyone else to know anything about her except that she is from m"overseas", which means any of over 100 countries. 



> I just get the feeling that she wants to move forward very quickly. She says that at our age, speed quickens the pace. She has been divorced for 3 years or 4. She was brought overseas and got married. She divorced after 10 years of what she says was a loveless childless marriage.


Then of course she isn't interested in wasting time, which you are doing. 



> My issue is that she is basically starting her life from zero. She has no savings, no real education, and lives with friends (married couple). She is from overseas but she is employed and currently going to college part time.


You've contradicted yourself here at least once. Going to college, but no real education. Being employed is not starting from zero, either. You seem eager to put her down. 

She isn't a corporate woman, so what? I have a PhD and my wife has a high school degree from an atrocious school system. But she is bright and is totally on board with homeschooling our kids, and we are zealots. 

So your goals as parents or life partners can be completely compatible, regardless. However, looking down on her as you do is fatal. 



> She likes to drop hints. She mentioned that she can't be doing college part time and that she may be considering doing it full time and working part time. I have no idea how that would work for her. We live in a very very expensive city. I get the feeling that by moving in with me, I could support her? I dunno. I also am getting a bit weary on being her driver.


Sheesh. For 2.5 million years the men support the women and in the last twinkling of an eye, and only in the top 1% of the world's wealthiest population - suddenly this is so horrible? There's no reciprocity with things she does for you or what?



> Other than being quite aggressive with her pace, she seems nice enough. I'm by no means in love. She is a change from the normal women I date who are basically all corporate women. I'm not saying that is a good or bad thing.
> 
> We just got into an argument as she basically hid the fact that she has no education when I was under the impression that she was highly educated. Her background is unfamiliar to me. I'm not at all knowledgeable about her home country. She is not careless with money.


Before I dated a girl from a foreign country, I made it a point to study up on her culture, the history, their religions - it always goes over big and you know all kinds of do's and don'ts. You fancy yourself as educated, and if so then you are clearly both lazy and disrespectful to know so little after six months of actually being together. 

You keep saying "no" education and that's not true. She is currently a college student. 

If you can't tell she has no degree then what the heck is it to you? Bill Gates has no degree, and you can't tell with him either. So what does it matter? Why is it such a big deal to you? Did she lie in some way? 



> Any advice?


Stop taking advantage of her. You look down on her and if character is the question instead of whether you have a degree or not then guess who is the one lacking?

Frankness is better than flattery when life courses are at issue.


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## [email protected]

Andy1001 said:


> This is eerily similar to what happened to a former colleague of mine. He had never been married and hadn’t really dated much but by the time he was thirty he was fairly wealthy and he had a great apartment in Manhattan. He met a foreign national and within a few weeks she had virtually moved in with him. She was talking marriage almost immediately and after about six months they went to Vegas and got married.
> Within a few weeks she told him that her brother was coming on a visit but he sensed something was off when this guy arrived,his wife and her brother seemed very close and were always going out together and on overnight “sightseeing” trips.
> One day he got a call from the cops about leaving the scene of an accident,problem was he had been at work when the accident occurred. His wife begged him to say it had been him driving but he wouldn’t play ball.Her brother was arrested and it turned out that her so called brother was really her ex husband and the whole thing was a scam. Her ex husband was an illegal immigrant and he was deported and after a quick divorce she followed him.
> Their plan was she was going to college in another state for four years on my friends dime. Guess who she would have been rooming with.


It isn't in any way similar, other than being from a foreign country. This woman was married to a US citizen for 10 years and divorced for at least 3. Works and goes to college. They've been together six months and not even engaged, let alone married. They do not live together nor have they even had a direct conversation about it. So how is this "eerily" similar? 

You just wanted to tell the story. But gold-diggers come from every walk of life. Depending on what country this gal is from she could make a far better wife than most American women. That is, if you like cooperation and teamwork instead of narcissism and greed.


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## Married but Happy

Six months, and you're "by no means in love." That's a danger sign - for both of you. I'm sure you love the sex and the attention, but do you love her? Someday, are you willing to have children with her? It seems like she wants a husband, children, family - is that compatible? And her best years for starting a family may be past - she doesn't have time to waste. So, decide what you want, decide if she is compatible with that, and either focus on building this relationship towards marriage, or end it ASAP (for her sake, if not for yours).


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## Andy1001

[email protected] said:


> It isn't in any way similar, other than being from a foreign country. This woman was married to a US citizen for 10 years and divorced for at least 3. Works and goes to college. They've been together six months and not even engaged, let alone married. They do not live together nor have they even had a direct conversation about it. So how is this "eerily" similar?
> 
> You just wanted to tell the story. But gold-diggers come from every walk of life. Depending on what country this gal is from she could make a far better wife than most American women. That is, if you like cooperation and teamwork instead of narcissism and greed.


Unless you are in private contact with the op can you enlighten me as to where he said his girlfriends former husband was a US citizen?
Did I skip over it in the thread?
Maybe you should come down of your high horse and actually read what is being written instead of playing devils advocate.
How about that?


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## Magnesium

Isn't the OP in Canada?

Regardless, this is doomed. Not because she is foreign, or uneducated or wants to be supported, but because the OP seems to value his willful ignorance. I alternate between exasperation and numbness reading so many threads by folks who seem to know what's really wrong but don't want to hear truth or do anything about it. It's pretty gross, really. 

So, go ahead and marry her, even though you don't love her and even though all of these red flags fire up your gut instincts enough to come here and talk about. Why even ask for advice? Why bother? Just go ahead and make a terrible mistake ....but don't blame anyone but yourself when your world implodes.

6 months! I cannot comprehend how grown folks can deceive themselves like this ... and then cry about how people have done them dirty. Sheesh


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## Robbie1234

[email protected] said:


> Sounds like early 30's.
> 
> 
> 
> Yet, you seem to hardly know her. You also don't want anyone else to know anything about her except that she is from m"overseas", which means any of over 100 countries.
> 
> 
> 
> Then of course she isn't interested in wasting time, which you are doing.
> 
> 
> 
> You've contradicted yourself here at least once. Going to college, but no real education. Being employed is not starting from zero, either. You seem eager to put her down.
> 
> She isn't a corporate woman, so what? I have a PhD and my wife has a high school degree from an atrocious school system. But she is bright and is totally on board with homeschooling our kids, and we are zealots.
> 
> So your goals as parents or life partners can be completely compatible, regardless. However, looking down on her as you do is fatal.
> 
> 
> 
> Sheesh. For 2.5 million years the men support the women and in the last twinkling of an eye, and only in the top 1% of the world's wealthiest population - suddenly this is so horrible? There's no reciprocity with things she does for you or what?
> 
> 
> 
> Before I dated a girl from a foreign country, I made it a point to study up on her culture, the history, their religions - it always goes over big and you know all kinds of do's and don'ts. You fancy yourself as educated, and if so then you are clearly both lazy and disrespectful to know so little after six months of actually being together.
> 
> You keep saying "no" education and that's not true. She is currently a college student.
> 
> If you can't tell she has no degree then what the heck is it to you? Bill Gates has no degree, and you can't tell with him either. So what does it matter? Why is it such a big deal to you? Did she lie in some way?
> 
> 
> 
> Stop taking advantage of her. You look down on her and if character is the question instead of whether you have a degree or not then guess who is the one lacking?
> 
> Frankness is better than flattery when life courses are at issue.


Why are you so aggressive in your posts. You dismiss anyone's opinion that doesn't agree with you and you are being misleading in some of your points.


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## MJJEAN

CTPlay said:


> Hi,
> 
> I have been in a relationship with someone for about 6 months now but I'm having some doubts.
> 
> The person I have met, she seems to be quite aggressive with the pace of the relationship.
> 
> She mentioned that she can't be doing college part time and that she may be considering doing it full time and working part time. I have no idea how that would work for her. We live in a very very expensive city. I get the feeling that by moving in with me, I could support her? I dunno. I also am getting a bit weary on being her driver.
> 
> I'm by no means in love.
> 
> We just got into an argument as she basically hid the fact that she has no education when I was under the impression that she was highly educated. Her background is unfamiliar to me. I'm not at all knowledgeable about her home country.


So, basically, a foreign born woman you barely know is trying to accelerate the pace of the relationship so you can support her while she works part time for spending cash while going to college like some kid? Oh, Hell, naw!

If you're into her and see her as a potential wife, proceed very, very, very slowly.

If you're rather "meh" about her then end the relationship because she's looking for a husband or husband figure and she wants it now.


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## Magnesium

Robbie1234 said:


> Why are you so aggressive in your posts. You dismiss anyone's opinion that doesn't agree with you and you are being misleading in some of your points.


Homeboy is projecting like crazy.


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## Bananapeel

NEVER and let me repeat NEVER let a woman move in with you that you have no intention of marrying. By intention, I mean engaged to and already planning the wedding. I know living together is the norm these days, but you'd be much better off just bucking the trend and saying no. There is absolutely no advantage to you to have her move in. But there are huge advantages to her. Think about it...you would essentially be agreeing to support her so she gets a major financial advantage while you take a financial hit. You also lose your space and some degree of freedom/control of your life. Also, you are already seeing her all the time and sleeping with her, so what do you gain in this arrangement? 

For the marriage, that is also insane. You aren't in love with her so do not under any circumstances marry her. Marriage is hard enough already when people are in love, but without that component it is stupid to even consider an option. Watch out too, there's a potential that she'll try to get pregnant to coerce you into marriage, so make sure that BOTH of you are religiously using birth control. If you do accidently knock her up (i.e. by being stupid and not using proper birth control), still do not marry her. 

If you were in love and wanted to marry, always make sure to get a damn good prenup because if there was a divorce it would be taking assets away from your kids to give to her. Make sure she knows ahead of time what a prenup is and that you'd want one signed prior to any sort of wedding planning.


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## MJJEAN

Tatsuhiko said:


> I can't fault her too much for lying about her educational background. My sense is that she's running among the big Americans now and feels like she is not up to par. Her talk about full-time schooling and part-time work is her ambition speaking, which is admirable. Maybe it's not something she can realistically accomplish without financial support, but I'd be inclined to admire her more than some golddigger who's looking to get married and retire to a life of daytime television. She can be made to understand that you need more time for the relationship to develop. If she bails out immediately at that point, then you have your answer.


Eh, let me give you another perspective.

She was married for 10 years and had no children. During that time she could have been getting her education while working or getting her education as a SAHW. Apparently, she did neither. So, what was she doing for that decade?

Now that she's single, she's working and going to college. Fair enough. The problem is that saying "I'm working part-time while going to college." has become a euphemism for "I'm an uneducated barely employed adult who has been and will continue to fail at adulting." 

In other words, it's entirely possible she's just working and going to college so that she looks like a good prospect unless/until she finds someone to support her. After that, she could suddenly stop taking classes and/or stop working. She would be far from the first to pull that crud. 

Or, worse, she could be one of those people who go to college for a decade, use that as an excuse for being unable to do anything, and never actually get a degree or a real job.

Add in she lied about her level of education and stated she left her "childless marriage", I'd be suspicious as Hell.

It wouldn't surprise me if she moved in w OP, "accidentally" became pregnant, and then decided to become a SAHP. Whether OP likes it or not, because at that point he'd be well and truly stuck.


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## CTPlay

oldshirt said:


> It's not harsh or extreme at all. In fact, I am quite surprised that you think it is.
> 
> That is very down-home, practical and sage advice.
> 
> It is fine for you to date and spend time together and enjoy each other's company to your heart's content.
> 
> But the moment you knock her up, marry her or have her change her permanent address to your home and you support her in any way, then that shifts your relationship into one with legal ramifications. Then it is a whole new ballgame.
> 
> You have some very logical and legitimate concerns here. There is a realistic chance she is simply looking for a meal-ticket and ticket to stay in this country.
> 
> If you do not entertwine any of your finances, do not marry her or officially cohabitate with her and do not impregnate her, the chances of you being on the hook for her legally or financially are quite small.
> 
> If you do do any of those things, then you are at risk if she turns out to just be looking for a meal-ticket and roof over her head in this country.


Thanks for elaborating, and this is good advice. Obviously if she is being insistent on any of the above, I can certainly see those as flags at this early point in a relationship.


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## CTPlay

Red Sonja said:


> So she misled you about her education level, what else don't you know about her? From what you describe of her she is looking to be supported financially (by you) sooner rather than later. At 6 months you do not know her well enough to marry, cohabitate or support her financially in any way. It takes about 2 years to really know someone.
> 
> Enjoy the relationship but do not let her bully you into any entanglements and, be cautious because the "hinting" and "aggressive" pushing you describe _are _red flags.


Thanks Red.


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## CTPlay

CynthiaDe said:


> How did you meet her since she's outside of the normal profile of who you date?
> 
> Why did you think she was highly educated and when did you find out that she is not?
> 
> You've known her for six months, but this information just came out or has she told you a little at time and it's all coming together in your mind and causing you concern?
> 
> You didn't say exactly what you are concerned about. Do you think she is looking for someone to take care of her?
> 
> How much longer until she is finished with her education?
> 
> She may be able to go to school full-time and work part-time with financial aid.


Hi Cynthia. After a rash of unsuccessful dating I was given advice to perhaps date someone outside the norm. I met her via OLD. 

I had gotten the impression that she was highly educated as her father sent her to a different country (near her home country) to attend university. I later found out that it was not university but college. She attended only 2 years of Business Mgt and left as her dad lost his business and couldn't pay for it. This was all new info to me. I had asked about her university days but she was always vague about it. After she had mentioned that she had like 2-3 years of part time college left and that she was thinking full time, that's when I started to ask about her education. Why would you need to go to college if you have a foreign university degree? I mean, that country's education is globally recognized. Thats' when it all came out and she later apologized for misleading me. 

Yes, you are right. I'm getting drips and drabs here and there. She worries that people will judge her so she doesn't elaborate on her darker areas of the past. She told me a story. She said that her coworker told her about private details of her life and divorce that my gf would be mortified to tell anyone. I guess that's her indirect way of saying that talking about her own less then stellar parts of her life is considered taboo. 

Bottom line. I'm concerned of being the meal ticket. I'm trying to build my life with someone, not build a life for someone.


----------



## CTPlay

sa58 said:


> You do not know her, you just found out
> about her education level. Think about
> what else you may not know. Why did
> she get divorced? You only know what
> she tells you. What will you find out later?
> If she moves in with you will she continue
> to go to school? No one is perfect but
> you should take more time and may be
> just be supportive in helping her achieve
> her goals.


She said her reasons for divorce in a 10 year marriage was that her ex worked 2 jobs or worked late everyday. She basically sat home with nothing to do. She did eventually get a job, to help support financially and her ex said he would cut back on hours. He didn't. She had enough and divorced him.


----------



## CTPlay

farsidejunky said:


> CT, I think you know there are underlying issues here.
> 
> To my knowledge, this is the first one you have asked us about since your divorce.
> 
> That in and of itself gives me pause.


Hey!

I'm here for the same reason why I came the first time. To cut through the fog. 

TAM's a good place. I'm just wondering when Gus will roll around and give his patented direct one liner advice.


----------



## CTPlay

StarFires said:


> You sound both confused and confusing. You're not in love with her, but you could see yourself married to her? You're not sure about the relationship and looking for advice, but you were vague about what advice you need. You said you were under the impression she was educated but didn't tell us what gave you that impression. You said you she had an argument about it but didn't tell us what the argument was. What is her side of the matter?
> 
> I also don't know in what way you feel she is rushing things. It's been six months. What's wrong with her spending the weekends and the two of you talking each night? I kind of thought that what couples do.
> 
> Really though, if you don't love her after six months, then you're just messing around. You need to stop playing with her feelings and let her go so she can find the love and life she's looking for. You are just having fun, and she needs to know that. Otherwise, you are just using her, and she needs to be in on that so she can make her own decisions, rather than you deciding for her that it's okay for you to string her along for your own purpose. So either break up with her, or let her know you are not serious and the relationship won't go any farther.


Yes, I am confused. It's why I come to TAM to get hammered out of being confused. I do feel rushed. She wants to meet my friends, my parents, my children. She says that she is getting the impression that i'm not opening up unless I do those things and she cites that her friends who are dating all do these things (and they do). Perhaps culturally, this is normal. 

I get what you are saying on playing with her feelings. I am wondering however if it's just fear of commitment that is driving all of this. That this is all me. I honestly don't know. I'm here to work through the fog and get answers with the help of TAM.


----------



## CTPlay

Satya said:


> Tell her this.
> 
> The only reason you're being swept up is because you allow it.
> 
> Let her go so she can find a man who wants to make her a kept woman and will fund her education.
> 
> You're simply incompatible. There's nothing wrong with admitting it, to yourself and to her. There's inherently nothing wrong with what she wants either, it just doesn't resonate with what you're willing to provide.
> 
> Let her go and find a woman who is at a more accomplished stage in her life.


Advice heard. Is it shallow to expect her to be more accomplished?


----------



## Cromer

Red Sonja said:


> So she misled you about her education level, what else don't you know about her? From what you describe of her she is looking to be supported financially (by you) sooner rather than later. At 6 months you do not know her well enough to marry, cohabitate or support her financially in any way. *It takes about 2 years to really know someone.*
> 
> Enjoy the relationship but do not let her bully you into any entanglements and, be cautious because the "hinting" and "aggressive" pushing you describe _are _red flags.


You never really know anyone.


----------



## CTPlay

SunCMars said:


> You said that you are 'not' so fond of her?
> 
> You should be. She is 'easy' to get along with. That is a huge plus.
> It also could be because she 'needs' to be easy, friendly at this stage. She is trying to win you over.
> 
> Give this relationship time. Encourage her aims, but do not let her move in with you, yet. If you can afford it, lend her a little money toward her schooling.
> 
> See what happens.
> Note: If things between you do not move 'fast enough' for her, she may shed you, not vice-versa. Relationships are so fragile.


Let me add more info, after her divorce, she said that she moved back to her home country for 2 years. She said she opened up her own business and sold it afterwards. She came back here (she is a citizen) a year ago. She enrolled in college and got a job.


----------



## CTPlay

SunCMars said:


> Which will it be?
> One who is accomplished and a pain in the butt?
> One who is working to better herself, and pleasant to be with?
> 
> Really accomplished people are driven, and often drive others crazy. :|
> Or so it seems to me!!
> 
> I am surrounded by accomplished people. And most are rather neurotic. To say the least.
> 
> By marrying an accomplished women, your joint bank account will surely grow, but so will the incoming tension between you two.
> Or so it seems to me!!


Yes, the accomplished women that I have been dating previously did not seem compatible with children. I took the advice of dating a different demographic.


----------



## Chuck71

If you are having sex (feel weird even saying that), do not put faith in just her using protection.

YOU use protection as well. You don't seem to like corporate females.... nothing wrong with that.

You want a low key, low maintenance gal... not a thing wrong with that.

I'm guessing you want someone at or near your education level..... NATWWT

She stated she was in a loveless M.... that happens all too often. And childless... she is wanting kids....

not kid, kidS. Do you want any more children? Does she know if you do or not?

I will go against the majority here, I am in favor of living together, even if M is not on the table.....

ONLY if... there is an agreement on who pays what.... and if it is 50 / 50 or very near.

You may be looking at it as you will be paying at least 75-80% of the bills. Financially.... you have very little,

if nothing.... to gain. If you see a future with her possibly... and want a couple more kids.... 

make moving in together as step one, when both agree that M is within the near future.

But do not move in, until then. If you are unsure due to income instability, then wait. If this upsets her,

show her the door. Good chance the people she is staying with are ready for her to move along.

On the ..... you should know if you are in love after six months.... I strongly disagree. Ask anyone who

has been M before....and had a rough D. People are guarded the next time around...well some are. I was....

Some hop right back into a M and five-seven years later, at the courthouse getting D again.

Is this your first "serious" thing since your D? Is this hers?

My post-D g/f started "mentioning" M right after she moved in. Funny after a year of living together,

the true her appeared. I told her to leave. But I did not have two kids, you do.

Has she met the kids yet? How old are the kids? Does she get along with the kids?

If she moves in and the kids are not in school, are you going to expect her to watch after them?

If so.... what about her going to college? Sorry but me thinks you need to take it really slow

and have numerous in depth chats before even considering a move in. If she can't wait.... "there's the door."


----------



## Chuck71

MJJEAN said:


> Eh, let me give you another perspective.
> 
> She was married for 10 years and had no children. During that time* she could have been getting her education while working or getting her education as a SAHW.* Apparently, she did neither. So, what was she doing for that decade?
> 
> Now that she's single, she's working and going to college. Fair enough. The problem is that saying* "I'm working part-time while going to college." has become a euphemism for "I'm an uneducated barely employed adult who has been and will continue to fail at adulting.*"
> 
> In other words, it's entirely possible she's just working and going to college so that she looks like a good prospect unless/until she finds someone to support her. After that, she could suddenly stop taking classes and/or stop working. *She would be far from the first to pull that crud.
> *
> *Or, worse, she could be one of those people who go to college for a decade, use that as an excuse for being unable to do anything, and never actually get a degree or a real job.*
> 
> Add in she lied about her level of education and stated she left her "childless marriage", I'd be suspicious as Hell.
> 
> It wouldn't surprise me if she* moved in w OP, "accidentally" became pregnant, and then decided to become a SAHP*. Whether OP likes it or not, because at that point he'd be well and truly stuck.


OP..... read this OVER and OVER


----------



## CTPlay

Magnesium said:


> Isn't the OP in Canada?
> 
> Regardless, this is doomed. Not because she is foreign, or uneducated or wants to be supported, but because the OP seems to value his willful ignorance. I alternate between exasperation and numbness reading so many threads by folks who seem to know what's really wrong but don't want to hear truth or do anything about it. It's pretty gross, really.
> 
> So, go ahead and marry her, even though you don't love her and even though all of these red flags fire up your gut instincts enough to come here and talk about. Why even ask for advice? Why bother? Just go ahead and make a terrible mistake ....but don't blame anyone but yourself when your world implodes.
> 
> 6 months! I cannot comprehend how grown folks can deceive themselves like this ... and then cry about how people have done them dirty. Sheesh


I appreciate the hard hitting advice. That's why I asked the question. I've been single from my divorce and this is a different world for me. It's natural to want guidance. My intention is not to play anyone. 

I want to her perspectives, so I have come here.
I will take those perspectives, and make a decision.


----------



## CTPlay

Bananapeel said:


> NEVER and let me repeat NEVER let a woman move in with you that you have no intention of marrying. By intention, I mean engaged to and already planning the wedding. I know living together is the norm these days, but you'd be much better off just bucking the trend and saying no. There is absolutely no advantage to you to have her move in. But there are huge advantages to her. Think about it...you would essentially be agreeing to support her so she gets a major financial advantage while you take a financial hit. You also lose your space and some degree of freedom/control of your life. Also, you are already seeing her all the time and sleeping with her, so what do you gain in this arrangement?
> 
> For the marriage, that is also insane. You aren't in love with her so do not under any circumstances marry her. Marriage is hard enough already when people are in love, but without that component it is stupid to even consider an option. Watch out too, there's a potential that she'll try to get pregnant to coerce you into marriage, so make sure that BOTH of you are religiously using birth control. If you do accidently knock her up (i.e. by being stupid and not using proper birth control), still do not marry her.
> 
> If you were in love and wanted to marry, always make sure to get a damn good prenup because if there was a divorce it would be taking assets away from your kids to give to her. Make sure she knows ahead of time what a prenup is and that you'd want one signed prior to any sort of wedding planning.


If I go down that route, prenup will happen.


----------



## CTPlay

MJJEAN said:


> Eh, let me give you another perspective.
> 
> She was married for 10 years and had no children. During that time she could have been getting her education while working or getting her education as a SAHW. Apparently, she did neither. So, what was she doing for that decade?
> 
> Now that she's single, she's working and going to college. Fair enough. The problem is that saying "I'm working part-time while going to college." has become a euphemism for "I'm an uneducated barely employed adult who has been and will continue to fail at adulting."
> 
> In other words, it's entirely possible she's just working and going to college so that she looks like a good prospect unless/until she finds someone to support her. After that, she could suddenly stop taking classes and/or stop working. She would be far from the first to pull that crud.
> 
> Or, worse, she could be one of those people who go to college for a decade, use that as an excuse for being unable to do anything, and never actually get a degree or a real job.
> 
> Add in she lied about her level of education and stated she left her "childless marriage", I'd be suspicious as Hell.
> 
> It wouldn't surprise me if she moved in w OP, "accidentally" became pregnant, and then decided to become a SAHP. Whether OP likes it or not, because at that point he'd be well and truly stuck.


Holy crap. Why didn't she get her degree while married for 10 years is a great question.


----------



## Chuck71

CTPlay said:


> Hi Cynthia. After a rash of unsuccessful dating I was given advice to perhaps date someone outside the norm. I met her via OLD.
> 
> I had gotten the impression that she was highly educated as her father sent her to a different country (near her home country) to attend university. I later found out that it was not university but college. She attended only 2 years of Business Mgt and left as her dad lost his business and couldn't pay for it. This was all new info to me. I had asked about her university days but she was always vague about it. After she had mentioned that she had like 2-3 years of part time college left and that she was thinking full time, that's when I started to ask about her education. Why would you need to go to college if you have a foreign university degree? I mean, that country's education is globally recognized. Thats' when it all came out and she later apologized for misleading me.
> 
> Yes, you are right. I'm getting drips and drabs here and there. She worries that people will judge her so she doesn't elaborate on her darker areas of the past. She told me a story. She said that her coworker told her about private details of her life and divorce that my gf would be mortified to tell anyone. I guess that's her indirect way of saying that talking about her own less then stellar parts of her life is considered taboo.
> *
> Bottom line. I'm concerned of being the meal ticket. I'm trying to build my life with someone, not build a life for someone.*


Her past is NOT taboo.... that there says she is hiding something, something HUGE.

A university and college, at least in the US are interchangeable, even if it is a JUCO.

Does she have a two year degree in business management? That degree will not get her far....

hell a four year in that field doesn't carry much today. You can gauge a lot about a person by.....

asking questions. As @MJJEAN stated... why did she not work on her education during those ten years?

You're not getting full transparency with her.... and if you don't get that in the beginning stages

of a relationship, you damn sure won't down the road. She's hiding something.... I'd lay $ on it


----------



## Chuck71

CTPlay said:


> Yes, I am confused. It's why I come to TAM to get hammered out of being confused. I do feel rushed. *She wants to meet my friends, my parents, my children. She says that she is getting the impression that i'm not opening up unless I do those things and she cites that her friends who are dating all do these things* (and they do). Perhaps culturally, this is normal.
> 
> I get what you are saying on playing with her feelings. I am wondering however if it's just fear of commitment that is driving all of this. That this is all me. I honestly don't know. I'm here to work through the fog and get answers with the help of TAM.


That is when YOU are ready, NOT her.....


----------



## [email protected]

Andy1001 said:


> Unless you are in private contact with the op can you enlighten me as to where he said his girlfriends former husband was a US citizen?


Sure. She was an overseas bride. Legally it is either a fiance visa or marital visa, regardless of whether Canada or the US. Only citizens can do that. 

Ten years will have been long past permanent residency for herself - it would be extremely unusual for her not to be a citizen. I didn't bother mentioning that because it is already so far different from the scam you related. 

I've been on a visa site for 11 years now. Helping others trying to get them. There's generally a couple of scam threads going on at all times among the thousands of current applicants taking advantage of the site. In every case I have ever seen, the applicant took no heed of obvious red flags. 

The same thing will be true in your own story. 



> Did I skip over it in the thread?
> Maybe you should come down of your high horse and actually read what is being written instead of playing devils advocate.
> 
> How about that?


The horse is quite comfortable, thanks. In this case. 

Sometimes we know so little that we have no idea how little we know.


----------



## MrsAldi

CTPlay said:


> She said her reasons for divorce in a 10 year marriage was that her ex worked 2 jobs or worked late everyday. She basically sat home with nothing to do. She did eventually get a job, to help support financially and her ex said he would cut back on hours. He didn't. She had enough and divorced him.


So the marriage ended because her ex was working hard to support her while she stayed at home?

So she wants to probably go back to the life before just with a man with better income perhaps?

Past history is a great indicator of future behaviour.

You don't really love her so find an independent woman who has no problem supporting herself financially. 

Sent from my F3311 using Tapatalk


----------



## CTPlay

Chuck71 said:


> If you are having sex (feel weird even saying that), do not put faith in just her using protection.
> 
> YOU use protection as well. You don't seem to like corporate females.... nothing wrong with that.
> 
> You want a low key, low maintenance gal... not a thing wrong with that.
> 
> I'm guessing you want someone at or near your education level..... NATWWT
> 
> She stated she was in a loveless M.... that happens all too often. And childless... she is wanting kids....
> 
> not kid, kidS. Do you want any more children? Does she know if you do or not?
> 
> I will go against the majority here, I am in favor of living together, even if M is not on the table.....
> 
> ONLY if... there is an agreement on who pays what.... and if it is 50 / 50 or very near.
> 
> You may be looking at it as you will be paying at least 75-80% of the bills. Financially.... you have very little,
> 
> if nothing.... to gain. If you see a future with her possibly... and want a couple more kids....
> 
> make moving in together as step one, when both agree that M is within the near future.
> 
> But do not move in, until then. If you are unsure due to income instability, then wait. If this upsets her,
> 
> show her the door. Good chance the people she is staying with are ready for her to move along.
> 
> On the ..... you should know if you are in love after six months.... I strongly disagree. Ask anyone who
> 
> has been M before....and had a rough D. People are guarded the next time around...well some are. I was....
> 
> Some hop right back into a M and five-seven years later, at the courthouse getting D again.
> 
> Is this your first "serious" thing since your D? Is this hers?
> 
> My post-D g/f started "mentioning" M right after she moved in. Funny after a year of living together,
> 
> the true her appeared. I told her to leave. But I did not have two kids, you do.
> 
> Has she met the kids yet? How old are the kids? Does she get along with the kids?
> 
> If she moves in and the kids are not in school, are you going to expect her to watch after them?
> 
> If so.... what about her going to college? Sorry but me thinks you need to take it really slow
> 
> and have numerous in depth chats before even considering a move in. If she can't wait.... "there's the door."


Great advice. Answers:

NO more kids. Not happening, and I use a rubber tube at all times. 
In all fairness, 50/50 would not be fair. I have kids, she can't be expected to take on those costs. But yes, I'm not looking to foot 80% of the bill. 2/3 would be fair.
I"m not looking to have her move in. I'm perfectly content for now, living on my own with my kids.
This is both our first serious relationship. She met her ex late in life which is very unusual for a woman to be unmarried in her home country. 
She has not met the kids, and I consider that a huge step. My kids are under 10.
I do not expect her to watch the kids. I expect her to have a full time job. I don't need a nanny. I don't need a housekeeper or cook. I do all those things.
She has said nothing about moving in but again, hint dropping. Seems that her friends want her out. "Seems".


----------



## [email protected]

Robbie1234 said:


> Why are you so aggressive in your posts. You dismiss anyone's opinion that doesn't agree with you and you are being misleading in some of your points.


By all means, cite something you disagree with and state why. This isn't an argument.


----------



## CTPlay

Chuck71 said:


> That is when YOU are ready, NOT her.....


She indicates as follows:

"YOu lead, but I determine the pace"


----------



## CTPlay

She is a Cdn citizen. I've seen the passport.


----------



## [email protected]

Magnesium said:


> Homeboy is projecting like crazy.


An ad-hom followed by an assertion without evidence.


----------



## Andy1001

[email protected] said:


> An ad-hom followed by an assertion without evidence.


The exuberance of your verbosity is only exceeded by your supercilious pedantry.


----------



## Yeswecan

oldshirt said:


> .
> 
> There is a realistic chance she is simply looking for a meal-ticket and ticket to stay in this country.


My very first thought.


----------



## Chuck71

CTPlay said:


> Great advice. Answers:
> 
> NO more kids. Not happening, and I use a rubber tube at all times.
> In all fairness, 50/50 would not be fair. I have kids, she can't be expected to take on those costs. But yes, I'm not looking to foot 80% of the bill. 2/3 would be fair.
> I"m not looking to have her move in. I'm perfectly content for now, living on my own with my kids.
> This is both our first serious relationship. She met her ex late in life which is very unusual for a woman to be unmarried in her home country.
> She has not met the kids, and I consider that a huge step. My kids are under 10.
> I do not expect her to watch the kids. I expect her to have a full time job. I don't need a nanny. I don't need a housekeeper or cook. I do all those things.
> She has said nothing about moving in but again, hint dropping. Seems that her friends want her out. "Seems".


Answered in order...... may want to get snipped, very low cost, UNLESS you want it reversed. Have you considered freezing a number of "potential mini-CTPlays" just in case you meet someone down the road?

The 50 / 50 was meant for household bills, lights, water, gas, mortgage, vacations, etc. But if she wants to be M, her income will also be spent on the two kids.... dude you're a package deal. Not when you're dating..... but if she wants to move in and M.... yes she assumes partial responsibility of the kids financially. If she would not want that.... stick to weekend sleepovers.

You'll be amazed at how a 67/33 turns into a 75/25, 80/20, 90/10....etc 

Tell her flat out NO on moving in for..... the next six months. Then re-asses. If she wants a meal ticket... she will move on.

How old is she? If she is over 35 and wanting kids..... you need to tell her you do not want any more kids. If she wants kids, she needs to be with a man who wants kids too.

How does she feel about full time job and night classes? But until she moves in, that's not your problem. Unless..... you state she needs a FT job before moving in (or she thinks you are saying that)

Yes with young kids, you have to be very guarded. They get attached quickly. Her pressuring you to meet them.... to me, is a borderline deal breaker, especially if you have already told her you want to take it slow concerning your kids.

Hinting.... LOL.... how covert. Women will often hint to a man what they want. Most just don't come right out and say it. How's this go..... move in....90 days later hints about getting engaged.....90 days later hints about a wedding date. Not all do this but a majority do.


----------



## Chuck71

CTPlay said:


> She indicates as follows:
> 
> "YOu lead, but I determine the pace"


I am inclined to say, slow it down. Now ask her determination of the pace....


----------



## Chuck71

Andy1001 said:


> The exuberance of your verbosity is only exceeded by your supercilious pedantry.


Thanks Andy..... now I'll need to find a dictionary


----------



## CTPlay

Hmmm thoughts on getting fixed.

This is an honest question, but I ask myself, why would I want children at middle age? Why would I be involved with a woman who wanted more kids? 

Getting fixed would be a good idea. I can't see why any middle aged man wouldn't want to.

UNLESS HE WANTS MORE KIDS. LOL


----------



## [email protected]

CTPlay said:


> Let me add more info, after her divorce, she said that she moved back to her home country for 2 years. She said she opened up her own business and sold it afterwards. She came back here (she is a citizen) a year ago. She enrolled in college and got a job.


It's strange that so much more information can be added with so little effort, yet you are so vague. 

It makes a big difference whether she is 108 IQ from Singapore (that's the average) vs. 59 from Equatorial Guinea. Or whether her job is a 7-11 cashier vs. car sales or something related to her degree. 

A great wife takes a lot of dedication and experience, something women went to "finishing schools" for in the old days, to become wives of company executives or those in high political office. There are cultures that produce great wives for men who want more traditional marriages and the fact you turned away from corporate women suggests a number of countries that are really good prospects. 

I am going to change direction radically here though because the horse is way out of the barn. 

To find the wife that was perfect for me, I took the advice of making two lists. The first list was my "must haves": the things my prospective wives absolutely had to have for me to even consider them. 

The second list was the "dealbreakers". I had that list in my wallet when I met my wife. Holy ****, I went right down the list, check-check-check-check and not a single deal-breaker. 

Formal education was much less important than raw IQ, creativity, and most importantly commitment to homeschooling children. I don't put much stock in degrees nowadays unless it is something technical, and I didn't need my wife to get a job. Her job was being my wife and mother to the kids. Old school. 

We cannot impose our ideas of what constitutes a good mate upon you except where it comes to character. If she has bad character, and lying to you by any of the three ways (direct lie, lie by omission, and lie with the inclusion of extraneous misleading information) - that is bad character. 

A person has to be awfully good at evasion and diversion to go six months without revealing much of themselves. But on the other hand, it is clear you did no investigation into her country and culture to find out the major social mores that guided her development. 

I think the latter has to do with not having these lists of features you are looking for and using as strikes. Because that set of lists I had ultimately drove me to the Philippines. Top of the list was relentless commitment to family, and they peg the meter. So were you to have a set of lists, it follows that knowing a person's home culture is important. 

When we aren't driven by an organized set of principles we just fall in with whomever and go with what is convenient. But time passes and our time is limited. 

So... do your lists.


----------



## Cynthia

CTPlay said:


> Advice heard. Is it shallow to expect her to be more accomplished?





CTPlay said:


> Holy crap. Why didn't she get her degree while married for 10 years is a great question.


No, it's not shallow to expect more of her and I also wondered why she sat at home and why she thought the answer was to divorce her husband rather than to make something more of her life. Frankly she sounds unmotivated.

I know plenty of women who stay home, but none of them are sitting around bored. They are doing something and actively involved in being productive.

Do you see any indication that she thinks of herself as a victim?

Do you relate to her, enjoy being around her, and does she treat you well and have your back? If those things are not present, the relationship is doomed anyway.

Does she stimulate you intellectually? If she is intellectually able to meet your requirements, then it really doesn’t matter what level of education she has or not. You thought she was more educated than she actually is, which probably means that she is smart. Is she well read?

From what you’ve said, you like this woman and enjoy her company. You can see this relationship moving forward if she is serious about you as a person, but if she is playing you and simply wants a “meal ticket” you don’t want to have anything further to do with her. The problem is that you cannot read her mind and we can’t either. We do not know whether she is sincere and a good woman or if she isn’t. And clearly you don’t want to kick her to the curb if she really is someone who is of good character and loves you for who you are, not for what you could potentially give her.

As you said, she is somewhat prideful and not willing to self-disclose too soon. She may be protecting her heart and not wanting to be thought of as less than or she may be withholding information to get you to commit and to take care of her. Maybe she doesn’t want to feel “less than,” but she likes you and wants to build a true relationship with you. Lying is never a good way to get close to someone, however, it divides. If she was lying or being deceitful, that would be a big concern about how she handles her relationships, because she sees that as a relationship tool. I think it's important to address this with her frankly and openly, letting her know that this has caused you to doubt her sincerity.

My recommendation is that you make it clear to her that there is zero chance of her moving in. Support her emotionally in her choice to flip from full time work and part time school to full time school and part time work, but do not make any kind of statement that you would in any way, shape, or form support her financially through this. Basically if she is willing to do what it takes to get her degree without your assistance, she is proving that she does have ambition and does want to improve her financial circumstances without relying on a man to do it for her.

If she is clear on your position that you will not financially support her at all, that may answer your question and you may find she moves on to someone else. If she is serious about her relationship with you simply because she is into you and wants to build a relationship with you, your relationship should grow. I understand that she wants to be included in your world if she is into you, but if that makes you uncomfortable, let her know you aren’t ready for that and it comes with time.

I can see how this would be confusing, because she could be totally legit or she could be using you. The problem is that you don’t know if she’s a liar or if she’s being truthful and that takes time to figure out. By setting good boundaries and sticking to them, while being clear that you are not going to financially support her; that should help resolve this, because gold diggers are not going to hang around forever hoping that they will strike gold when all indicators are that it’s not available.

In the meantime, you might consider meeting another couple or a group of friends for drinks from time to time and taking her along. If she’s your girlfriend it’s only nature to include her with your group of friends.


----------



## [email protected]

Andy1001 said:


> The exuberance of your verbosity is only exceeded by your supercilious pedantry.


lol. There were eight words in the post you quoted. Look up verbosity. 

A pedant picks apart minor details. Pointing out that someone calls me names instead of using logic and reason - not pedantry.

Generally I am pretty happy to have errors in logic and reason pointed out. I value experience I don't have too. 

Bring on any of that and I will gladly acknowledge.


----------



## CTPlay

I texted her that I was considering getting fixed. I was in fact going to get fixed after the birth of my 2nd son. She seemed ... to not like what I told her. I will have to find out why.


----------



## Cynthia

CTPlay said:


> I texted her that I was considering getting fixed. I was in fact going to get fixed after the birth of my 2nd son. She seemed ... to not like what I told her. I will have to find out why.


Have you told her that you do not want any more children?


----------



## CTPlay

CynthiaDe said:


> Have you told her that you do not want any more children?


Since the beginning


----------



## Cynthia

CTPlay said:


> Since the beginning


This is a serious issue. If she thinks she may want to have children, you two are not compatible. If she chooses you over having children she will likely resent you in the future if you stay together. She doesn't appear to be a career minded woman or she would have already moved in that direction, but she's not. Why didn't she have children with her ex husband?


----------



## CTPlay

CynthiaDe said:


> This is a serious issue. If she thinks she may want to have children, you two are not compatible. If she chooses you over having children she will likely resent you in the future if you stay together. She doesn't appear to be a career minded woman or she would have already moved in that direction, but she's not. Why didn't she have children with her ex husband?


Apparently her ex was infertile.


----------



## Magnesium

So, you've been telling her for 6 months that you don't want children and she continued to date you and pressure you to move quickly. Hmm. Me thinks you should not have sex with her or not use condoms to which she has access. Actually, I think you should dump her cold, but whatever.


----------



## Cynthia

If she wants children (even if she might want children) and either don't or are unsure, your relationship is doomed. May as well cut her loose now so she can find someone she is compatible with. Same for you. You need someone in a different stage of life. You both need someone with similar values and that doesn't seem to be the case with this relationship.


----------



## Satya

CTPlay said:


> Advice heard. Is it shallow to expect her to be more accomplished?


No, if that's truly what you desire and need in a partner.


----------



## Chuck71

CTPlay said:


> Apparently her ex was infertile.


And she has made falsifications in the past...... Learning about one's XH is a critical part of my criteria

when I am considering getting serious with someone. The way someone feels about their X does change

as time goes on. But one thing I have noticed since my D, very often... at first g/f will admit

they both did wrong in the downfall of the M.....and around six-nine months, it shifts to 

-it was all his fault- or... the complete opposite. My experience is, the latter showed she was fully 

not over her XH, the first shows they are re-writing history. Neither are good but the first one

will draw a red flag. Something is not being told.... and with her being from another country, you 

may never know. BTW.... what country is she from?

If you're leaning on getting out, use the kids thing if you don't want to hurt her feelings.

If not, simply state you do not see her as trustworthy. You can love someone to the moon and back

but if you ain't got trust, you ain't got jack. Well... you actually do.... but it is an unhealthy, soul destroying feeling.


----------



## MilkChocolate

I don't know if this is helpful or not, but I have a similar yet opposite problem. I am post-divorce and working full time, having 2 smalls kids 96% of the time. I was a SAHM prior to the divorce and though I am not upset at all about being back at work, I did take a huge pay cut from the gap and I'm starting over professionally. I'm struggling financially but realize I'm more fortunate than others, as I chip away at my lawyer debt.

I've been seeing a wonderful man for 8 months. We love each other. And he's good as gold to me and my kids. But I'm starting to see that he isn't fiscally responsible and he's not keeping his life together. I feel he has placed his future happiness in/on me; he wants to move in together; wishes we could "help each other more," etc. I am starting to feel stifled and freaked out that he may be putting his life's happiness on our relationship. I'm kind of wondering if he sees me as stable and as perhaps a life together would be a safety net for him and his child. It's all turning me off. I'm happy living alone with my kids, and (though I have no time for a social or dating life) happy with, and of myself and my journey into rebuilding my life and starting fresh. It hasn't been easy, but I'm progressing. I have zero desire right now to get married or move in with anyone....though the companionship and love are refreshing and nice. 

So I ask you: is it wrong for me to perhaps end the relationship with someone who has been adoring and emotionally supportive of me, and who treats me and my kids wonderfully well...because I see him as fiscally irresponsible, probably immature in terms of this whole post divorce adulting (and parenting) gig, and who may be looking to hitch his wagon to mine? Is it wrong to, after a difficult divorce from an unhappy marriage, want a man who can stand on his own two feet? I am NOT looking for someone else to support me. In fact, I wish I could survive without the child support I get from my loser ex...and I vow to someday, somehow not need it...so he can just evaporate if he wants. But I am also not looking for a man I have to take care of and support financially. I don't care how much a prospective mate
earns; I care that he can manage his affairs and support himself and show responsibility and accountability. 

Our situations are different, but maybe not SO different at the core. My experience is that we all suck at taking our own advice, so what advice would you give to me?


----------



## CTPlay

MilkChocolate said:


> I don't know if this is helpful or not, but I have a similar yet opposite problem. I am post-divorce and working full time, having 2 smalls kids 96% of the time. I was a SAHM prior to the divorce and though I am not upset at all about being back at work, I did take a huge pay cut from the gap and I'm starting over professionally. I'm struggling financially but realize I'm more fortunate than others, as I chip away at my lawyer debt.
> 
> I've been seeing a wonderful man for 8 months. We love each other. And he's good as gold to me and my kids. But I'm starting to see that he isn't fiscally responsible and he's not keeping his life together. I feel he has placed his future happiness in/on me; he wants to move in together; wishes we could "help each other more," etc. I am starting to feel stifled and freaked out that he may be putting his life's happiness on our relationship. I'm kind of wondering if he sees me as stable and as perhaps a life together would be a safety net for him and his child. It's all turning me off. I'm happy living alone with my kids, and (though I have no time for a social or dating life) happy with, and of myself and my journey into rebuilding my life and starting fresh. It hasn't been easy, but I'm progressing. I have zero desire right now to get married or move in with anyone....though the companionship and love are refreshing and nice.
> 
> So I ask you: is it wrong for me to perhaps end the relationship with someone who has been adoring and emotionally supportive of me, and who treats me and my kids wonderfully well...because I see him as fiscally irresponsible, probably immature in terms of this whole post divorce adulting (and parenting) gig, and who may be looking to hitch his wagon to mine? Is it wrong to, after a difficult divorce from an unhappy marriage, want a man who can stand on his own two feet? I am NOT looking for someone else to support me. In fact, I wish I could survive without the child support I get from my loser ex...and I vow to someday, somehow not need it...so he can just evaporate if he wants. But I am also not looking for a man I have to take care of and support financially. I don't care how much a prospective mate
> earns; I care that he can manage his affairs and support himself and show responsibility and accountability.
> 
> Our situations are different, but maybe not SO different at the core. My experience is that we all suck at taking our own advice, so what advice would you give to me?


This guy sounds wonderful and he has treated you well from what I understand. He gets along with your kids and I imagine the 8 months have been great times. But we both know, that women *generally* like their men based on their ability to stand on their own feet and to have their poo in order. Men are more apt to take on the role of provider. Let's not get into gender based arguments here. I don't see a whole lot of successful marriages where the man doesn't have his poo together, where the woman is wearing the pants and the apron. 

By all means, I could in essence, play the role of primary provider. Oh gosh, wait, I've been there already. My bottom line is all about character. She works, she goes to school part time, all very good qualities, all admirable. No one doubts that. Would I invest in a person I love? Yes of course, been there, done that. No regrets. Life is about having someone's back.

I am trying to determine character here. If she is who she appears to be, there is goodness in that. But small signs wear at me daily. I don't know if that's my fear of commitment or my fog of denial. Like I said, been there, done that on TAM.

The point is, I have my poo in order. I would like companionship and someone to share in my successes. But I will not stand for someone who would endanger what I have built and rebuilt. 

For now, I seek input and advice. But I'm going to make my own decision and live with it.


----------



## CTPlay

CynthiaDe said:


> No, it's not shallow to expect more of her and I also wondered why she sat at home and why she thought the answer was to divorce her husband rather than to make something more of her life. Frankly she sounds unmotivated.
> 
> I know plenty of women who stay home, but none of them are sitting around bored. They are doing something and actively involved in being productive.
> 
> Do you see any indication that she thinks of herself as a victim?
> 
> Do you relate to her, enjoy being around her, and does she treat you well and have your back? If those things are not present, the relationship is doomed anyway.
> 
> Does she stimulate you intellectually? If she is intellectually able to meet your requirements, then it really doesn’t matter what level of education she has or not. You thought she was more educated than she actually is, which probably means that she is smart. Is she well read?
> 
> From what you’ve said, you like this woman and enjoy her company. You can see this relationship moving forward if she is serious about you as a person, but if she is playing you and simply wants a “meal ticket” you don’t want to have anything further to do with her. The problem is that you cannot read her mind and we can’t either. We do not know whether she is sincere and a good woman or if she isn’t. And clearly you don’t want to kick her to the curb if she really is someone who is of good character and loves you for who you are, not for what you could potentially give her.
> 
> As you said, she is somewhat prideful and not willing to self-disclose too soon. She may be protecting her heart and not wanting to be thought of as less than or she may be withholding information to get you to commit and to take care of her. Maybe she doesn’t want to feel “less than,” but she likes you and wants to build a true relationship with you. Lying is never a good way to get close to someone, however, it divides. If she was lying or being deceitful, that would be a big concern about how she handles her relationships, because she sees that as a relationship tool. I think it's important to address this with her frankly and openly, letting her know that this has caused you to doubt her sincerity.
> 
> My recommendation is that you make it clear to her that there is zero chance of her moving in. Support her emotionally in her choice to flip from full time work and part time school to full time school and part time work, but do not make any kind of statement that you would in any way, shape, or form support her financially through this. Basically if she is willing to do what it takes to get her degree without your assistance, she is proving that she does have ambition and does want to improve her financial circumstances without relying on a man to do it for her.
> 
> If she is clear on your position that you will not financially support her at all, that may answer your question and you may find she moves on to someone else. If she is serious about her relationship with you simply because she is into you and wants to build a relationship with you, your relationship should grow. I understand that she wants to be included in your world if she is into you, but if that makes you uncomfortable, let her know you aren’t ready for that and it comes with time.
> 
> I can see how this would be confusing, because she could be totally legit or she could be using you. The problem is that you don’t know if she’s a liar or if she’s being truthful and that takes time to figure out. By setting good boundaries and sticking to them, while being clear that you are not going to financially support her; that should help resolve this, because gold diggers are not going to hang around forever hoping that they will strike gold when all indicators are that it’s not available.
> 
> In the meantime, you might consider meeting another couple or a group of friends for drinks from time to time and taking her along. If she’s your girlfriend it’s only nature to include her with your group of friends.


Your post was spot on. It's exactly what is on my mind and what I'm thinking. Awesome, thank you for understanding.


----------



## CTPlay

Chuck71 said:


> And she has made falsifications in the past...... Learning about one's XH is a critical part of my criteria
> 
> when I am considering getting serious with someone. The way someone feels about their X does change
> 
> as time goes on. But one thing I have noticed since my D, very often... at first g/f will admit
> 
> they both did wrong in the downfall of the M.....and around six-nine months, it shifts to
> 
> -it was all his fault- or... the complete opposite. My experience is, the latter showed she was fully
> 
> not over her XH, the first shows they are re-writing history. Neither are good but the first one
> 
> will draw a red flag. Something is not being told.... and with her being from another country, you
> 
> may never know. BTW.... what country is she from?
> 
> If you're leaning on getting out, use the kids thing if you don't want to hurt her feelings.
> 
> If not, simply state you do not see her as trustworthy. You can love someone to the moon and back
> 
> but if you ain't got trust, you ain't got jack. Well... you actually do.... but it is an unhealthy, soul destroying feeling.


The biggest weight on my mind is her ease with using my resources. She eats my food, drinks my booze, i'm her driver, stays at my place, takes my gifts, etc. It's how easy she just moves in and starts utilizing these things. I thiknk that she has noticed my slight horror at this and has started to pay for a few things. Though I"d say it's more me. I guess I"m different. I don't normally just visit someone's house and make myself welcome to their goodies with such ease.


----------



## Cynthia

CTPlay said:


> The biggest weight on my mind is her ease with using my resources. She eats my food, drinks my booze, i'm her driver, stays at my place, takes my gifts, etc. It's how easy she just moves in and starts utilizing these things. I thiknk that she has noticed my slight horror at this and has started to pay for a few things. Though I"d say it's more me. I guess I"m different. I don't normally just visit someone's house and make myself welcome to their goodies with such ease.


Between this and the issue of children, I can see why you are concerned. What is your gut telling you? Are you here to find out if you're being overly sensitive or that you should be concerned about what your gut is telling you?


----------



## MilkChocolate

I wasn't at all suggesting that you don't have your poo in order, and I certainty wasn't trying to start a gender-based argument. It's unfortunate you took my comments that way. 

I gleaned from your post that you may have concerns about where she is in her life, and whether she may be looking for a meal ticket...which I thought sounded similar to my situation. Personally, I think fiscal habits can be a reflection of character. 

Best of luck to you.


----------



## Livvie

CTPlay said:


> The biggest weight on my mind is her ease with using my resources. She eats my food, drinks my booze, i'm her driver, stays at my place, takes my gifts, etc. It's how easy she just moves in and starts utilizing these things. I thiknk that she has noticed my slight horror at this and has started to pay for a few things. Though I"d say it's more me. I guess I"m different. I don't normally just visit someone's house and make myself welcome to their goodies with such ease.


This make me feel ill with memory of being taken advantage of by a man I had a relationship with post divorce.

He would stay at my house and eat my food, use my things, use consumables I bought, take half hour long hot showers (where I live it costs a lot to heat hot water), would turn the heat way up when he was there and I wasn't, use my washer and dryer, we took my vehicle/used fuel I paid for whenever we went anywhere, on and on. With ease, like it was my job to provide and provide. It's not just you!! You aren't wrong to feel how you do about this.


----------



## Chuck71

Livvie said:


> This make me feel ill with memory of being taken advantage of by a man I had a relationship with post divorce.
> 
> He would stay at my house and eat my food, use my things, use consumables I bought, take half hour long hot showers (where I live it costs a lot to heat hot water), would turn the heat way up when he was there and I wasn't, use my washer and dryer, we took my vehicle/used fuel I paid for whenever we went anywhere, on and on. With ease, like it was my job to provide and provide. It's not just you!! You aren't wrong to feel how you do about this.


That's called a mooch. If I'm at her place, I eat what she presents or I drive to the nearest store, buy my own stuff.

If you're in the dating phase, whoever is driving their vehicle, the other does the gas.

Using your washer / dryer, hot water, heat.... he wasn't looking for a live-in, he wanted a Holiday Inn.

But people will try that. One overnighter I had back in 2015 would run my heat up from 65 to 70.

When the bill came.... I presented her with it and requested half be paid. She was the one who

drank a *couple 12 packs* of Coke each day, use a bar of soap in the shower, and go through

two rolls of toilet paper each day. Yes I posted on my thread about it... I was beyond stunned...


----------



## Livvie

Chuck71 said:


> Livvie said:
> 
> 
> 
> This make me feel ill with memory of being taken advantage of by a man I had a relationship with post divorce.
> 
> He would stay at my house and eat my food, use my things, use consumables I bought, take half hour long hot showers (where I live it costs a lot to heat hot water), would turn the heat way up when he was there and I wasn't, use my washer and dryer, we took my vehicle/used fuel I paid for whenever we went anywhere, on and on. With ease, like it was my job to provide and provide. It's not just you!! You aren't wrong to feel how you do about this.
> 
> 
> 
> That's called a mooch. If I'm at her place, I eat what she presents or I drive to the nearest store, buy my own stuff.
> 
> If you're in the dating phase, whoever is driving their vehicle, the other does the gas.
> 
> Using your washer / dryer, hot water, heat.... he wasn't looking for a live-in, he wanted a Holiday Inn.
> 
> But people will try that. One overnighter I had back in 2015 would run my heat up from 65 to 70.
> 
> When the bill came.... I presented her with it and requested half be paid. She was the one who
> 
> drank a *couple 12 packs* of Coke each day, use a bar of soap in the shower, and go through
> 
> two rolls of toilet paper each day. Yes I posted on my thread about it... I was beyond stunned...
Click to expand...

Wow! Yeah, the entitlement that goes with a mooch is gross. I think OPs girlfriend is definitely in this camp!!


----------



## Livvie

I've been thinking about this situation. CT, how old is your girlfriend?

Has she ever taken care of herself/ been responsible for herself, as an adult? I know even very young people (without degrees) who are responsible and adult enough provide for themselves, they work hard and share an apartment with a roommate. Some even are going to school part time while doing this. Has your girlfriend demonstrated she has this ability?

It's not wrong to want to have a partner who has drive, ambition, and the wherewithall to be an adult by managing life by developing the ability to fund their own way.

I'd let this one go, if it were me. First off, you say you aren't in love with her. That's huge. Secondly, this woman seems to feel that others are there to provide for her life. Not in love with her, coupled by the fact that she isn't capable of/ desirous of making her own way through life, why do you want to sign up for being her provider? You already have two young children to take care of.


----------



## Satya

SunCMars said:


> Which will it be?
> One who is accomplished and a pain in the butt?
> One who is working to better herself, and pleasant to be with?
> 
> Really accomplished people are driven, and often drive others crazy. :|
> Or so it seems to me!!


 @SunCMars, I'm sorry to hear that your experience has not resulted in you meeting a balance. It does exist but for an accomplished person to be "pleasant" as you say, I find that they usually have to be completely (or mostly) self-made. Humble beginnings and all that.


----------



## CTPlay

Livvie said:


> I've been thinking about this situation. CT, how old is your girlfriend?
> 
> Has she ever taken care of herself/ been responsible for herself, as an adult? I know even very young people (without degrees) who are responsible and adult enough provide for themselves, they work hard and share an apartment with a roommate. Some even are going to school part time while doing this. Has your girlfriend demonstrated she has this ability?
> 
> It's not wrong to want to have a partner who has drive, ambition, and the wherewithall to be an adult by managing life by developing the ability to fund their own way.
> 
> I'd let this one go, if it were me. First off, you say you aren't in love with her. That's huge. Secondly, this woman seems to feel that others are there to provide for her life. Not in love with her, coupled by the fact that she isn't capable of/ desirous of making her own way through life, why do you want to sign up for being her provider? You already have two young children to take care of.


She is around my age. I don't date those significantly younger than I, just doesn't work for me. Has she been responsible as an adult. From a Western standpoint, I'd say no. She lived years with her parents and than got married to someone from a completely different country. 10 years later, got divorced. I'm not aware that a woman on her own would be an accepted practice in her country. She did not want to be a slave to her man from what I gather. Too independent was her problem apparently. 

Her past is so sketchy. I think it's hidden and not talked about ... and this may be solely due to pride. And the other thing is, how can I apply the same Western standards? From a superficial standpoint, my concerns are as follows... and I'm just talking this out...

Only did 2 years of college outside of her own country. Apparently her parents went through financial hardship. But her other sisters went to university in their own home country. I guess she just went straight to work as an admin assistant.

Fast forward, never found anyone. Eventually got hooked up with a Cdn who brought her over. Apparently he was infertile, and he worked until 10 pm. He promised to cut back hours and never did. She divorced him. After divorce went back to home country, opened her own business with the money she won in divorce settlement. Stayed there 2 years? Came back to Can. a year ago. Found me, the chump who started this thread.

My questions. What did she do after college? Just worked? Nothing else?
During her period of marriage. What did she do then? Just stayed home? 

Without information, all I can do is unfairly guess. She coasted with her parents after university. She coasted with her ex and got divorced. Now she's starting her life with part time college and a job?

Don't get it. Do you persecute someone for their past? Doesn't it count that what they are doing now is working?

I just don't get anything anymore. So nice to be in the fog again. NOT.


----------



## minimalME

You're making yourself miserable.


----------



## john117

Take it from a PhD married to (and separated from) another PhD from a strange country. Not a gold digger per se but every bit helps. 

Without a very clear idea about her family's mental health status and general socioeconomic conditions it's extremely risky. I'm speaking from experience. Gold digger status is irrelevant.


----------



## Cynthia

In my opinion, a healthy relationship shouldn't be this hard. Clearly you don't trust her. That's not a good sign for the future.


----------



## cc48kel

CTPlay said:


> The biggest weight on my mind is her ease with using my resources. She eats my food, drinks my booze, i'm her driver, stays at my place, takes my gifts, etc. It's how easy she just moves in and starts utilizing these things. I thiknk that she has noticed my slight horror at this and has started to pay for a few things. Though I"d say it's more me. I guess I"m different. I don't normally just visit someone's house and make myself welcome to their goodies with such ease.



This is not a good sign.. I would get snipped and proceed with caution. I wouldn't introduce her to my kids, family or friends as it would be a bit embarrassing for me. That's fine if you want to continue to date BUT women get attached easily so you might want to 'back-off' a bit. Let her figure out that she needs to find someone else to take care of her.


----------



## Chuck71

CTPlay said:


> She is around my age. I don't date those significantly younger than I, just doesn't work for me. Has she been responsible as an adult. From a Western standpoint, I'd say no. She lived years with her parents and than got married to someone from a completely different country. 10 years later, got divorced. I'm not aware that a woman on her own would be an accepted practice in her country. She did not want to be a slave to her man from what I gather. Too independent was her problem apparently.
> 
> Her past is so sketchy. I think it's hidden and not talked about ... and this may be solely due to pride. And the other thing is, how can I apply the same Western standards? From a superficial standpoint, my concerns are as follows... and I'm just talking this out...
> 
> Only did 2 years of college outside of her own country. Apparently her parents went through financial hardship. But her other sisters went to university in their own home country. I guess she just went straight to work as an admin assistant.
> *
> Fast forward, never found anyone. Eventually got hooked up with a Cdn who brought her over. Apparently he was infertile, and he worked until 10 pm. He promised to cut back hours and never did. She divorced him. After divorce went back to home country, opened her own business with the money she won in divorce settlement. Stayed there 2 years? Came back to Can. a year ago. Found me, the chump who started this thread.*
> 
> My questions. What did she do after college? Just worked? Nothing else?
> During her period of marriage. What did she do then? Just stayed home?
> 
> Without information, all I can do is unfairly guess. She coasted with her parents after university. She coasted with her ex and got divorced. Now she's starting her life with part time college and a job?
> 
> Don't get it. Do you persecute someone for their past? Doesn't it count that what they are doing now is working?
> 
> I just don't get anything anymore. So nice to be in the fog again. NOT.


The best predictor of future behavior is examining past behavior.

And CT..... you may be Round II


----------



## manfromlamancha

CTPlay, I have just gotta ask the question - what is her home country and where did she get sent to college? Believe it or not, this will explain a lot to me.


----------



## bandit.45

CT your picker is still broken my friend.


----------



## GusPolinski

CTPlay said:


> Hi,
> 
> I have been in a relationship with someone for about 6 months now but I'm having some doubts. She has no kids and we are about the same age.
> 
> A little background about me, I've been divorced/separated for 2 years now. Or has it been 3? Time flies when you are having fun I guess. I have 2 kids, young.
> 
> The person I have met, she seems to be quite aggressive with the pace of the relationship. She sleeps over every weekend, and we talk religiously each and every night. I just get the feeling that she wants to move forward very quickly. She says that at our age, speed quickens the pace. She has been divorced for 3 years or 4. She was brought overseas and got married. She divorced after 10 years of what she says was a loveless childless marriage.
> 
> My issue is that she is basically starting her life from zero. She has no savings, no real education, and lives with friends (married couple). She is from overseas but she is employed and currently going to college part time. She likes to drop hints. She mentioned that she can't be doing college part time and that she may be considering doing it full time and working part time. I have no idea how that would work for her. We live in a very very expensive city. I get the feeling that by moving in with me, I could support her? I dunno. I also am getting a bit weary on being her driver.
> 
> Other than being quite aggressive with her pace, she seems nice enough. I'm by no means in love. She is a change from the normal women I date who are basically all corporate women. I'm not saying that is a good or bad thing.
> 
> We just got into an argument as she basically hid the fact that she has no education when I was under the impression that she was highly educated. Her background is unfamiliar to me. I'm not at all knowledgeable about her home country. She is not careless with money.
> 
> Any advice?


If you’ve not already done so, break up with her ASAP.


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## CTPlay

GUESS WHAT GUYS!!!

She just got fired from her job! Not layed off, fired!

YAY!!!


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## CTPlay

bandit.45 said:


> CT your picker is still broken my friend.


My pecker too.


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## Chuck71

CTPlay said:


> GUESS WHAT GUYS!!!
> 
> She just got fired from her job! Not layed off, fired!
> 
> YAY!!!


Maybe she wanted to..... Maybe she wants to watch the Today Show from 7-11 in the AM.

Appears you will be footing 100% of the household finances..... that is, if you're okay with it.

I hope you're not!


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## SunCMars

CTPlay said:


> GUESS WHAT GUYS!!!
> 
> She just got fired from her job! Not layed off, fired!
> 
> YAY!!!


Gee? 

Why the glee?

Sounds kinda meany.


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## OnTheFly

SunCMars said:


> Gee?
> 
> Why the glee?
> 
> Sounds kinda meany.


Sarcasm? Getting fired in Canada makes getting EI harder.


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## bandit.45

Im confused


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## Elizabeth001

bandit.45 said:


> Im confused




Me too!
🤣


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Chuck71

Elizabeth001 said:


> Me too!
> 🤣
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


So is OP...


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## arbitrator

*Late to the party, as usual, but unless you feel an element of love for her in your heart, I'd say that it's well past time for her to go!

Not to be crass here, @CTPlay ~ but if you two are just mutually "tapping each other," say on a regular basis, then there could be some mixed signals of entitlement, more especially on her part! And few people would blame her as her mental mantra would be that "she's only earning her keep!"

By the way, after having gotten fired from this latest job, is she still firmly domiciled there in your place?*


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## SunCMars

OnTheFly said:


> Sarcasm? Getting fired in Canada makes getting EI harder.


Exactly!

She got fired, she will have a harder time getting Employment Insurance [Unemployment Benefits].

How is this a good thing? Now she is really going to be needy.

The women is not emancipated, likely from some country where women are less than males. The Middle East or Near Asia?

In some countries, men dominate and women have to rely on men [more so] or totally.

I get it, she is a mooch, she eats your food, drinks your wine or booze. Helps herself.

But, in return, she is giving her love and her intimacy. Giving her body. Apparently, that is worth squat to some of you. For the thirty bucks a week in food and drinks that she 'takes' she is a worthless human being?

Get real, you cheapskates !!!

The fact that she is not a solid financial contributor in a relationship makes her worth mocking. OP, laughing at her predicament?

He enjoys her company, enjoys her intimacy, takes her to his bed, even though he does not love her? Sounds like he is the user.
She is good enough to eff, but not good enough to respect, Ugh.

Sorry, this does not set well with me.

She is a good women, maybe not a great pick, but far from a bad one....




The Host, RD-


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## Livvie

SunCMars said:


> OnTheFly said:
> 
> 
> 
> Sarcasm? Getting fired in Canada makes getting EI harder.
> 
> 
> 
> Exactly!
> 
> She got fired, she will have a harder time getting Employment Insurance [Unemployment Benefits].
> 
> How is this a good thing? Now she is really going to be needy.
> 
> The women is not emancipated, likely from some country where women are less than males. The Middle East or Near Asia?
> 
> In some countries, men dominate and women have to rely on men [more so] or totally.
> 
> I get it, she is a mooch, she eats your food, drinks your wine or booze. Helps herself.
> 
> But, in return, she is giving her love and her intimacy. Giving her body. Apparently, that is worth squat to some of you. For the thirty bucks a week in food and drinks that she 'takes' she is a worthless human being?
> 
> Get real, you cheapskates !!!
> 
> The fact that she is not a solid financial contributor in a relationship makes her worth mocking. OP, laughing at her predicament?
> 
> He enjoys her company, enjoys her intimacy, takes her to his bed, even though he does not love her? Sounds like he is the user.
> She is good enough to eff, but not good enough to respect, Ugh.
> 
> Sorry, this does not set well with me.
> 
> She is a good women, maybe not a great pick, but far from a bad one....
> 
> 
> 
> 
> The Host, RD-
Click to expand...

Sun, 

I usually respect your point of view. Not this time.

This girlfriend is entitled. Being a mooch is not an honorable way to live.

Just because he has sex with her doesn't mean that *the way* she consumes his goods is "good" or okay.

Dating is the time to notice and heed red flags.

Men complain all of the time they got screwed in a divorce (wife didn't work throughout the marriage) or that wife isn't pulling her weight even at home. These men are told, hey, you should not have signed up for this kind of woman/marriage in the first place.

Here we have a man who is aware of and wants to discuss red flags, and you just knocked him down for it.

I'd get out of this relationship ASAP if this were me, OP.


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