# Is it healty to just keep bringing it up?



## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

It's been a year, I know pretty much what happened. The when & where, All the sex details. I still hurt over this, But talking about my feelings only brings all the details back fresh in my mind. I'm not sure if it helps or makes things worse to keep talking about how we feel.

My H spends every minute he's not at work with me. He constantly tells me how much he Loves me & That he only wants me for the rest of our lives. I know he means it because I see it in his eyes & I feel it when we're intimate. We spent the first 4 months talking about the A details & Our feelings. 

If I'm happy, He's happy. When I start talking about how I feel we both get depressed. So when is it time to let it go & be happy with what you have now. I know we could have a good life. If I could stop thinking about the past & look at all the changes he's made & how committed he is to me & our marriage now. So my question is when the same old hurt & feelings pop up again, Should you just keep bringing them up or deal with them & move on? I just want to be happy again..

I would like to hear your thoughts on this..


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

I am about 7-8 months ahead of you, IC and MC, and I feel you would benefit from both IC and MC. I still have pain, I still have my bad days, but IC and MC help this. Also, the fact that your husband is mirroring your emotions shows his empathy and remorse. We also heal at our own pace, but not being able to discuss this will keep you from healing. 

My suggestion to you is to find an IC and MC, as you are probably exhibiting symptoms of PTSD. A relatively new therapy to PTSD is to have the traumatized person keep repeating what causes them pain and triggers. I think this could be beneficial to you in your healing. Just knowing where he is will not heal you. It needs to be talked through and MC could help your husband in being there for you. 

I remember when you first came here and how similar we were both destroyed. You have come such a long way in your healing and the process of reconciliation, but maybe it's time to find that MC. IC would help very much too, so that you as a person can heal and not just heal the marriage. 

I wish you the best of luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Being honest about what you are feeling, in a positive way even with negative emotions, is always good.

He should be able to express what he is feeling as well in a safe environment for both of you.

Don't be upset about it. There isn't really a timeline about this and it isn't unheard of for a couple recovering from infidelity to very occasionally talk about their feelings twenty years after the fact.

If you know what "love busters" are, just avoid them when expressing what you are going through with each other and you both should grow closer from the sharing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Thanks drifting on & ConanHub, We are both so scared. We've always been happy, Never argued. We've always enjoyed doing everything together. Now I'm afraid I'm gonna drive him away if I keep dwelling on the past & he's afraid that if he says the wrong thing I will either leave or have an RA. He's scared to death to go to mc because of this. He's never been one to talk about feelings & even though he don't talk as much as I'd like he has come a long way.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Getting everything out in the open in a safe, emotionally speaking, environment will make the fear dissipate.

I'm in a Harley phase right now so I would advise reading His Needs Her Needs and Surviving an Affair.

I'm not supportive of all his advice but the tools for building a better, stronger marriage in those books is fantastic. Love Busters is another good book.

Small investment of money for those resources and they are something helpful when read together or individually.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Part of me says maybe the WS is right, maybe I should move on and not keep bringing it up, because it makes them feel bad to keep dealing with it.

But the other part of me says too ****ing bad! You were the one who couldn't get off of the other guys **** long enough to come up for air for about 3 yrs. Maybe I need to keep asking you about it/talking about it for 3 yrs so that I am comfortable and can move on. We can call it "Revenge Question Affair", RQA.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

When you're ready to let it go I suspect you will. 

Don't rush the process. Go with it and steer it. 

What are you looking to get by bringing it up? Validation? Empathy? Security? Regret? Sympathy? Support?

Having been there somewhat I suggest you try to figure out what you're looking for from your husband and just ask for that directly instead.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

@Devastated an lost - didn't you also say that he is adamant about you not getting IC or getting a job to get yourself out of the house? Whether you R or D - he appears to be going for a rugsweep and not true healing.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

marduk said:


> When you're ready to let it go I suspect you will.
> 
> Don't rush the process. Go with it and steer it.
> 
> ...


I've never really thought about it that way. I guess what I really want most is validation. & a little of all the rest. Most of all I want to be able to talk to my best friend when I'm hurting..


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Truthseeker1 said:


> @Devastated an lost - didn't you also say that he is adamant about you not getting IC or getting a job to get yourself out of the house? Whether you R or D - he appears to be going for a rugsweep and not true healing.


Yes he's never really wanted me to work. & he's not to crazy about me going to IC either, He was raised by his grandparents & has a lot of old school ways. But I'm considering going anyway.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> Yes he's never really wanted me to work. & he's not to crazy about me going to IC either, He was raised by his grandparents & has a lot of ols school ways. But I'm considering going anyway.


 @Devastated an lost If you are going to truly R in the healthiest way possible he has to get on board with your healing otherwise all this will do is make you suffer while he gets to rug sweep his adultery. You have two issues - his addiction and his infidelity to deal with which is why you need a good counselor. Staying in that house with no job, no counseling and not even being able to go to the gym is keeping you in a prison.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Devastated an lost said:


> I've never really thought about it that way. I guess what I really want most is validation. & a little of all the rest. Most of all I want to be able to talk to my best friend when I'm hurting..


Then ask for that maybe without making both of you relive the whole ordeal?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

His attempt at creating greater intimacy is what will lead to lower desire and passion. Read a book called "Mating in Captivity". I think that you're on the wrong path and what you're both doing will eventually backfire. I can see it is with the best intentions, but I think it's going to fail eventually.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

marduk said:


> Then ask for that maybe without making both of you relive the whole ordeal?


I have.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Devastated an lost said:


> I have.


And, does that work?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Devastated an lost said:


> It's been a year, I know pretty much what happened. The when & where, All the sex details. I still hurt over this, But talking about my feelings only brings all the details back fresh in my mind. I'm not sure if it helps or makes things worse to keep talking about how we feel.
> 
> My H spends every minute he's not at work with me. He constantly tells me how much he Loves me & That he only wants me for the rest of our lives. I know he means it because I see it in his eyes & I feel it when we're intimate. We spent the first 4 months talking about the A details & Our feelings.
> 
> ...


You need some good Talk Therapy. 

It'll take time. But you can get through this.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

His ideas (and upbringing) are too restrictive for you to be able to continue to discuss this with him. He just wants you to get over it and move on because he's afraid if you keep thinking about it that you'll do to him what he did to you. But it can take years to work through all the pain and hurt the cheater caused. You need IC at a minimum and that combined with MC would be even better. 

If he won't go with you, go alone. You aren't going to heal unless you talk about it as often as you need to and he's not receptive to that so it can't be with him. A therapist is what you need to move forward.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> *Devastated an lost*
> It's been a year, I know pretty much what happened. The when & where, All the sex details. I still hurt over this, But talking about my feelings only brings all the details back fresh in my mind. I'm not sure if it helps or makes things worse to keep talking about how we feel.
> 
> *My H spends every minute he's not at work with me*. He constantly tells me how much he *Loves me* & That he only wants me for the rest of our lives. *I know he means it because I see it in his eyes & I feel it when we're intimate*. We spent the first 4 months talking about the A details & Our feelings.
> ...








> *So my question is when the same old hurt & feelings pop up again, Should you just keep bringing them up or deal with them & move on?*


*Weighing the pros and cons I would say that you stop taking with him about your feeling on that issue and stop yourself from thinking about the hurtful details*. You already know all those details so you gain nothing and wind up like a moth drawn to the flame. Furthermore, you both get DEPRESSED when you talk about it, you have fear that you will drive him away, and you start thinking about a RA!!!!!!!!!!!! Being depressed and having an RA will probably kill any chance that you have of a successful R and do a LOT of damage to your potential happiness. *One of the main reasons for talking is to get to where he proves his love for you and you already said that he does that.*



*



Most of all I want to be able to talk to my best friend when I'm hurting.

Click to expand...

*Two suggestions; the first is for you to find a good woman that has wisdom and preferably one that has already gone through this type thing with a successful R for years and then you talk to her when you can’t stand it anymore and need to talk. Secondly, you can use nonverbal communication with your husband and just tell him you need his support and snuggle up to him and hug him. *Let him show you some more of that love that you “…see in his eyes & I feel it when we're intimate.”*


It is very natural to want to rehash the great pain but it often winds up with you feeling that you have been treated so unjustly
( because you HAVE!). Then you think of some justice such as a RA!!!!. Reconciliation requires forgiveness and forgiveness also includes suffering from hurt but refusing to get into revenge or hate. Forgiveness also means that you are giving a gift and grace. *Grace does not include justice but it does include mercy.* I know that is real hard but true R is not for weakling but for the strong and those that are guided by true love.


*STOP all actions and thoughts that bring about depression and RA.
Focus on the positive and eliminate the negative*!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I think her fwh gets fearful of her having a RA. I don't believe she is tempted.

He is so fearful that he won't let her get a job.

He cheated. He needs to deal with his stupidity.

He also refuses counseling. He could honestly use a good kick in his unfaithful ass to start more effort at R.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Op, you really need to see a psychologist. Your husband's affair will continue to torment you if you don't get help. Don't let your husband dictate as to how you should heal. He has no right to stop you from building your own security and self-esteem. Get a part-time job and see a psychologist. After you heal, you will stop talking about his affair as you would have let out the foul air.

Don't let him hide behind the veil of his conservative upbringing. He did not live the way he was raised. I don't believe that conservative upbringing includes cheating. His affair was long term and would not have stopped, had you not discovered it.

You need to focus on yourself. You are too co-dependent with your husband. He is still dictating as to how you should mend what he had torn. His actions are akin to a vandal who tells his victim what his punishment should be. Sorry you are here.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Do not rugsweep this. Don't pretend everything is fine because its easier. Recovery is only on your timeline.

Can you explain the circumstances when you raise the issues? Are you triggering?


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> Yes he's never really wanted me to work. & he's not to crazy about me going to IC either, He was raised by his grandparents & has a lot of old school ways. But I'm considering going anyway.




Discouraging you against going to work and IC is... well, I'm at a loss for words. Who the $#&#@\ does he think he is?



His discouragement is an attempt to control you, perhaps conscious, perhaps less so. It doesn't matter who raised him, we are talking about YOUR life, not his.



The only reason you should still choose to have him in your life is that as you become the best, most self-assured, confident, clearest thinking, baggage-free, self-directed, self-actualized, healthy and resilient person you can be --- that you find he still brings something to your life you want and need, and you desire it from him. Maybe he fears that version of you would choose otherwise?





Don't let his fears keep you from answers and change you seek. Unless that is who you want to be.



Psychologytoday.com has a good search tool for finding therapists, should you choose that path.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

@Devastated an lost I think all of the posters here are not arguing R or D but what is unacceptable is his insistence that you dont go to IC, don't work and he won't even let you go to the gym for fear you may meet a man there. He is a warden not a husband at this point.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Devastated an lost said:


> If I'm happy, He's happy. When I start talking about how I feel we both get depressed. So when is it time to let it go & be happy with what you have now...
> 
> So my question is when the same old hurt & feelings pop up again, Should you just keep bringing them up or deal with them & move on? I just want to be happy again.


DL,

For those who attempt a R, the dilemma you describe is probably the largest hurdle to cross. You hurt, you need to talk about it... but the only one that you can discuss these feeling and give/get honest feedback is the same one that caused the hurt. 

You start in and in short order you are back to DD. "Why did I bring it up again?" "What am I trying to accomplish?" "This is futile?" ever had those thoughts? 

Been there. IMO, it's is part of healing, it has to play out, to deny the hurt is just another lie.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

marduk said:


> And, does that work?


Sorry to leave you all hanging. My computer went down. @marduk I have told him I miss being able to talk to him like my best friend. In the past we've always talked to each other when we had a problem. He says he misses it too. I have tried to create a safe place by not talking directly about the A, just our feelings. He panics because he don't know how to fix this. I've told him I don't need him to fix it. I just need to get it off my chest. You can only bottle stuff up for so long. Every time I have a bad day & I don't have to say anything, Just by not being in a laughing/joking kind of mood, which is my nature. he gets depressed & says he can't stand to see me hurt & to know he's the reason why. It's as much me as it is him. When he starts getting depressed I back off. It's like we're stuck in a rut. That's why I wonder if it's best to just let it go.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Devastated an lost said:


> Sorry to leave you all hanging. My computer went down. @marduk I have told him I miss being able to talk to him like my best friend. In the past we've always talked to each other when we had a problem. He says he misses it too. I have tried to create a safe place by not talking directly about the A, just our feelings. He panics because he don't know how to fix this. I've told him I don't need him to fix it. I just need to get it off my chest. You can only bottle stuff up for so long. Every time I have a bad day & I don't have to say anything, Just by not being in a laughing/joking kind of mood, which is my nature. he gets depressed & says he can't stand to see me hurt & to know he's the reason why. It's as much me as it is him. When he starts getting depressed I back off. It's like we're stuck in a rut. That's why I wonder if it's best to just let it go.


My point is this.

If you're looking for reassurance, just ask him for reassurance and let him know what that means to you. It could be a hug, it could be spending time with you, it could mean you need to hear that he's sorry.

You don't have to bring up the affair if it hurts both of you. If you're both committed to R, and have already gone through it, you don't need to cycle on it over and over.

Just get him to give you what you're looking for directly, maybe.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Thanks everybody, you've given me a lot to think about. You are to me like IC in a way. I am looking into IC We are going on vacation next week. When we get back I think I will make an appointment. I think just some talk therapy would be a big help for me.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

marduk said:


> My point is this.
> 
> If you're looking for reassurance, just ask him for reassurance and let him know what that means to you. It could be a hug, it could be spending time with you, it could mean you need to hear that he's sorry.
> 
> ...


The problem is I don't know what I'm looking for really. When you ask me that question it really made me think. I need to figure out what I need. All I know is that I'm just so hurt & I don't know what will make it stop. Maybe I need help with my coping skills.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> Thanks everybody, you've given me a lot to think about. You are to me like IC in a way. I am looking into IC We are going on vacation next week. When we get back I think I will make an appointment. *I think just some talk therapy would be a big help for me*.


Exactly..the only way to have a true R if that is what you both want is if you are on the path to true healing - all rugs weeping does is allow resentment to build up. Look at Riverrat's thread - after 30 years of rug sweeping his wife's affair he had enough and is divorcing her - his wife's desire to rug sweep actually backfired - it didn't make the affair go away but kept it very much alive.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Pluto2 said:


> Do not rugsweep this. Don't pretend everything is fine because its easier. Recovery is only on your timeline.
> 
> Can you explain the circumstances when you raise the issues? Are you triggering?


Yes usually when I'm triggering. By her being in our home, both our vehicles & showing up everywhere we went I have triggers everywhere. All the places we go have bad memories for me now. There not as intense as they use to be, but I still trigger a lot.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

My H is much like yours in that his intentions are good and he wants to fix things. He also simply doesn't know what to do.

I agree with Marduk. I think articulating that would help.

I also agree with all the others that some counseling would be a big help, not just to you, but to him as well (although we know that he would resist).

One thing I have done in times like this with my H is to declare safe days in which we would just give ourselves a break from the problems. We would just do the Scarlet O'Hara 'I'll think about it tomorrow' for a day. This isn't rugsweeping; it's just taking the burden off for a while.

Good luck DanL. I've always thought you two had the love and respect to make it through R. I still think you do.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Exactly..the only way to have a true R if that is what you both want is if you are on the path to true healing - all rugs weeping does is allow resentment to build up. Look at Riverrat's thread - after 30 years of rug sweeping his wife's affair he had enough and is divorcing her - his wife's desire to rug sweep actually backfired - it didn't make the affair go away but kept it very much alive.


 @Truthseeker1, I agree, I'm taking baby steps to break a life time of old habits. I was always content & happy being a Mom & house wife. Taking care of everybody else made me feel good. It's hard to put myself first, but I'm getting there.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

I concur with the opinion of many here that having someone other than you husband to offload your feelings would be a good idea. Ideally IC.... However, I disagree with continuing to relive the affair. As a BS, I understand your pain. But at some point you have to move on. You haven't been able to articulate what you are seeking from your husband with the continued reliving. At some point your husband may get the impression that it's not going to get better and start to wonder if this is where he should remain. 

Good luck


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

alte Dame said:


> My H is much like yours in that his intentions are good and he wants to fix things. He also simply doesn't know what to do.
> 
> I agree with Marduk. I think articulating that would help.
> 
> ...


 Thanks alte Dame I think so too. It's just a matter of breaking old habits. At this point we hardly ever talk about it. The subject comes up at most maybe once a month or so.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> By DAL
> Yes usually when I'm triggering. By her being in our home, both our vehicles & showing up everywhere we went I have triggers everywhere. All the places we go have bad memories for me now. There not as intense as they use to be, but I still trigger a lot


.


You only have one year after D-day and that is too early for most to not have triggers. *Nothing will help that more than you determining to put the triggers out of your mind immediately; mind over matter does help. You will not always be able to do that but you can improve with practice and determined will.* Your attitude and your husband’s attitude is very good considering the situation and if you get a good IC, preferably a woman that has experienced what you have, you will get better over time. 


*I still no not think it best to talk with your husband about the things that make you both depressed and you thinking about a RA.* One of the main reasons for not talking to him is that he is too weak to help you and when he gets depressed then you get depressed. There is no justice in him not being able to help you more because he caused all the pain. However, I am not looking for justice or blame I am taking your words and suggesting what would help you more. Realize and accept that you are not going to be as happy as you want for a while. I know that you deserve to be happy but what you want and what is reality are two different things and dealing with reality will help you more.

For whatever it is worth, you and your husband are in a LOT better shape than some of the others dealing with infidelity that I read on this forum! It is not a contest but a least you know that you have a good chance of making it your marriage. Some of the others that I read on TAM have about as much chance of winning as a one legged man in an AZZ kicking contest!


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

DL,

I'm 6+ years in R with my fWW. When I "finally" found out the truth, she had been serially cheating with multiple OM for almost 7 years. It was bad, horrible, mind numbing at DD, and during the weeks into months as the truth was leaked and discovered. My IC gave us a <10% at best of R. We are still together. Why? 

LET GO OF YOUR FEAR, ANIEXTY, AND GUILT ABOUT BRINGING UP YOUR H BETRAYAL. 

You did not cause this problem, you did not bring a "third" into your marriage. He did. When you honestly attempt to R, it will never be "ALL GOOD NOW"... "LET'S MOVE ON." You will ask the same questions 1000s times. SO WHAT! If he is remorseful, willing to do everything to R your marriage, he will tuck the pride, embrace the guilt and answer honestly 1000s time the truth. Hear a truth... the WS knows all the truths, the times, the places, what they were thinking, what they were doing, what they were hiding, and WHAT THEY WERE FEELING. You were abused by his action. He took advantage of your trust as his wife and life partner. 

Bottom Line: 

If he wants to re-claim your trust, stay married and re-claim what he with conscience, with deliberate means through away, it is never his again, never again for the rest of your marriage his right to say "too much", never again forever to question your asking WHY?.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Mr Blunt said:


> .
> 
> 
> You only have one year after D-day and that is too early for most to not have triggers. *Nothing will help that more than you determining to put the triggers out of your mind immediately; mind over matter does help. You will not always be able to do that but you can improve with practice and determined will.* Your attitude and your husband’s attitude is very good considering the situation and if you get a good IC, preferably a woman that has experienced what you have, you will get better over time.
> ...


Thanks Mr Blunt, You gave me a direct answer to my question & I think you're right. With all the talk about rug sweeping I've read on here. I didn't want to make that mistake. I don't think that's what we've done here. We have talked about it, He has showed remorse & told me more than once how sorry he is. He's made a lot of changes, I believe he's done all he knows & is capable of doing. 

I'm going to explain the issue with the RA I've always told him in the past, Since we've never been with anybody else, That if he ever cheated on me I would have to know what it's like to be with somebody else too. I couldn't ever get over it until I knew what he experienced. Him knowing & me not would drive me crazy. Every time the subject came up over the last 33 years. That's where I stood on the matter.

That being said, It's easy to say what you would do until it really happens to you. I won't lie I did think about it in the beginning, But I found out real quick I don't have it in me. That's not who I am. But he knows what I told him over & over so he's terrified that I'm going to do it now. So there you have it. The reason for the RA being in the picture.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

I think the fact that you two were such good friends makes it much harder to recover. I think you really need to soul search this one and decide if compartmentalizing the life with him and moving on is the better choice. IDK Only you can answer that question but you need to ponder it seriously and not be so co-dependent for your own well being. DUDE


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Dude007 said:


> I think the fact that you two were such good friends makes it much harder to recover. I think you really need to soul search this one and decide if compartmentalizing the life with him and moving on is the better choice. IDK Only you can answer that question but you need to ponder it seriously and not be so co-dependent for your own well being. DUDE


DUDE, I think you're right about the being such good friends. If we'd had a bad marriage we could fix it. It's hard when he tells me I did nothing wrong, I was the best wife he could ask for & I don't need to change a thing. So if everything was go great why did he cheat? That's my biggest question?!?!


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Devastated an lost said:


> DUDE, I think you're right about the being such good friends. If we'd had a bad marriage we could fix it. It's hard when he tells me I did nothing wrong, I was the best wife he could ask for & I don't need to change a thing. So if everything was go great why did he cheat? That's my biggest question?!?!


EXACTLY, SO HOW CAN YOU EVER FEEL SAFE AGAIN IN THE RELATIONSHIP IF YOU HAD ALREADY GAVE IT YOUR BEST?? I'd walk...DUDE


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> BY DAL
> So if everything was go great why did he cheat?


*"...the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life..."*

Devastated and Lost, from what I have read about you I think you are a valuable and good woman. What your husband did was to damage his character and hurt you big time.* However, it had nothing to do with you but it was him succumbing to his lower nature and feeding his selfishness.*


*Your husband, according to you, is really remorseful and has proved that for the last year with his ACTIONS.* I believe you that he is really sorry and changing. You will have to endure the pain that he caused and keep getting better. What you are doing is really the true test of love not the Hollywood crap that the movies show.

All people have a selfish nature including you. However, you have proven for over 30 years that you will not succumb to a PA. He did the same but then gave in to his selfishness and now he sees what that has done to him. He cries, begs, and is full of fear that you will do the same. *I think that he truly knows what a gem he has in you and is trying to make it up to you.*


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Devastated an lost said:


> The problem is I don't know what I'm looking for really. When you ask me that question it really made me think. I need to figure out what I need. All I know is that I'm just so hurt & I don't know what will make it stop. Maybe I need help with my coping skills.


Only a really wise person realizes and admits it when she needs something but doesn't know what it is.

You will figure this out.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

I want to thank you all for caring. I don't really have anybody I can talk to & It means so much to me, That I can come here & say what's on my mind & there's always somebody here to help me figure it out. For someone that spends most of her time alone. I feel like I have so meany friends now. I wish I could meet you all..

D & L


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

I think it depends on a lot of things.

I'm going to assume that you already have the answers to all of your questions. Like what happened, when it happened, with whom it happened, how did he go about making it happen, WHY did he make those choices, etc. If not, then you really need to get those answers asap, probably while working with a marriage counselor.

Again, assuming you have the answers to your questions, then it sounds like you are just suffering from triggers. Those suck, and I'm sorry you are going through that, unfortunately it's a pretty normal thing for victims of adultery. With that said, if your husband has truly done everything he can do to help you heal/recover, has been fully open and honest with you to the best of your knowledge, then the best thing you can do for your marriage is to reach a point of forgiveness. That literally means simply sharing with him that you forgive him for what he did to you and the marriage, that while before you held an emotional "pain debt" for his actions, you are now forgiving that debt. From then on, you should do your best to not repeatedly bring it up to him, baring any new developments. (Like it would be totally different if you suddenly found new evidence, or noticed red flags indicating new reasons to distrust him, etc.) Why? Because if he has done everything he can to show and prove his remorse, to help you with healing, to be honest and trustworthy, eventually you should do your best to stop punishing him for his past action. By agreeing to remain in the marriage and work to repair it, that meant you were willing to eventually let this go, because it's not fair to punish him forever. 

Forgiveness of something like this really isn't all that different from releasing someone from a financial debt. Like if you loan someone $100,000 for example with a repayment arrangement, but in short order it becomes obvious that they can never repay you, at least not in full. You can repeatedly bug that person about it, reminding them about it and how much you are struggling with having to carry this debt, can ensure he never has a moment of peace without feeling the guilt of this irreparable debt. But the debt can't be repaid, so ultimately you need to write it off if you care for your own health, as well as the relationship you have with this person. It's as simple as saying, you no longer owe me anything for this debt, it is forgiven. That doesn't mean you have to forget it however, certainly you can take that situation into consideration and be more careful about loaning him money again in the future for example.

As you have described, continuing to carry this emotional debt openly in front of him is really only causing you both more stress and pain. Certainly you can't control your triggers, you can't just switch off your emotional struggle when painful memories come to mind from time to time, but I think it can help enormously when you make the official gesture of telling him that you are now going to forgive him and do your best to leave it in the past. Again, that doesn't mean you have to forget about it, or not continue to keep an eye on him in the ensuing years. I know for me it helped enormously. When I felt a trigger, I would just pause and consider that there was nothing my wife did wrong in this particular moment to cause the trigger, that I did find closure on the whole affair, that there is nothing more to discover or ponder, and I'm able to let it go much quicker than I had before I decided to forgive her.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated

When you first posted your story you were truly your name on here. Time has gone by and I see you have completely changed. You are so much stronger then before. But it takes more then strength, it takes so much more to fight through reconciliation. Your hardest battle will to be vulnerable, and that is easily to see why you are struggling so much now. 

Who have you spoken to about this matter? Have you gone for IC? Has your husband? How much has your spoken to you about this? It's not how he was raised devastated, it's what he can't do that has his fear so high. He can't simply say I'm sorry and this all goes away. He has to put forth an effort, and sadly you know that he hasn't. Because if he talks about it and you get upset his fear rises thinking you are gone. He thinks if you really examine the full picture you will find no reason to stay. 

Now I'm not saying you aren't vulnerable to him, you are and what happens? He is not vulnerable to you in return. That is painful and will bring the whole affair up all over again. You gave him your heart again and by him not being vulnerable you hurt all over again. He has never really given you what you need about the affair. If he had or had been vulnerable you wouldn't be where you are now. 

Devastated, you need IC and then you will both need MC, and you may as well tell your husband he will do both also. Because if you don't I M sorry to say but you won't remain together. Your husband for lack of a better term needs to pull his head out of his ass and start putting an effort into his marriage. Because if he doesn't in about a few weeks you are going to need surgery, surgery to remove your foot from his ass and by then it will be too late. 

Your husband is weak right now so make an IC appointment for him. Same office that you make an appointment for yourself. Different therapists, but the same office so they can communicate and see where your problem lies. If you want to wait until after your vacation that's fine, it's your foot that will be messy, not mine. 

Best of luck to you devastated.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

drifting on, 

We have started talking more since I first posted this. Our vacation is in 6 days so I am going to wait until I get back. I've taken a lot of good advice from the posters here & used it the last few days & things have improved. I will take the advise you gave me & use it too. The last thing I need right now is surgery.. lol


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## warshaw (Jul 31, 2015)

Devastated an lost said:


> He constantly tells me how much he Loves me & That he only wants me for the rest of our lives. I know he means it because I see it in his eyes & I feel it when we're intimate.


The trust you had for him when you first met has been irrevocably damaged. I'm sure he had the same look in his eyes and said the same things to you and you felt it in the early days, months and years of your marriage, "pre" affair. Now he says it all again but there is now a history, a history that will never, ever be erased because it is forever written into your mind and will always be as clear as the day you discovered it. 

You can learn to deal with it but you will always have one eye open, as well you should, because your husband has shown you who he is and what he is capable of. 

I wish you the best in your struggle to find a way to deal with these issues, I know how difficult it continues to be.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

@warshaw, 

That pretty much explains how I feel. The learning to deal with it part is hard, but I'm getting there.


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