# Thought I would drop by with an update



## Foxesandowls (Sep 15, 2017)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/394282-husband-told-me-last-night-he-doesnt-want-married-anymore.html

I posted originally in September that my husband of 16 years told me he no longer wanted to be married. He is 2 years post-Weight loss surgery --basically he pulled a Benjamin Button--he feels like a 20 year old guy and wants to act like one. 

So...it's been a little while since I posted. The sale of the house fell through. The buyers got cold feet at the very last minute. We lowered the price of the house, got some additional nibbles, but no additional offers and so in Mid-December, we made the decision to take the house off the market and relist in the Spring. It's been mostly OK--we're basically living like roommates. But, we continue to argue--I attended his office Christmas party with him and he was such a child--he decided he was bored and wanted to leave halfway through dinner, so we left and he was acting like such a jerk. I was embarrassed and I ended up kicking him out of the car and making him take an Uber home. 

Then we got in a big fight Christmas Eve because I had put presents for myself in my stocking (because every year, no one gets me anything, so I get myself stuff) and this year, he happened to decide to get me stocking stuffers. I can't read his mind! Anyway, the holidays were tough. 

But, I've been pretty good--just compartmentalizing everything and taking care of day to day stuff--setting aside time every once in awhile to fall apart for a few minutes at a time. 

Two weeks ago, he went out to happy hour and got a little tipsy and insisted on rehashing all of our issues--I told him I didn't want to talk to him about all of this while he was even slightly impaired. But, he badgered me, so we "talked" and he suddenly tells me that his real problem is that we don't have sex often enough and that _if I can fix that_, he wants to stay married. My immediate response was sarcastic and defensive--"Oh, let me just throw a switch, because that's all it takes!" 

Time for a little TMI--he's not wrong. We have never burned up the bedroom. But, until he had weight loss surgery and lost all that weight, his drive was lower than mine. My sex drive has always been pretty low. I like sex, and I don't reject him ever when he wants sex, but it's extraordinarily difficult for ME to initiate sex and that is what he wants--I really think that he believed that once he lost weight and started working out, I would be all over him, but while I'm loving and affectionate, I've never been sexually aggressive. So....that's his "real" issue. 

And I told him that while I was willing to explore why I have trouble initiating sex, I have lost all my faith in him and I still think that we should proceed with splitting up--hes' still drinking, he still has a hair trigger temper, he's still selfish and my instincts are telling me that divorcing him is the right thing to do. But, I forget that he's had a couple of glasses of wine and apparently doesn't hear any of that--all he hears is that I'm willing to explore my issues. 

Fast forward to this past weekend--he goes out of town to his cousin's wedding and Sunday night, he tells me that he wants to trade his car in for a sports car, like the one I have. I'm like, "OK. It's your car". And then he says, "I wonder what J would say" And I'm like, wait. "J is MY mortgage guy--why would he care what YOU do about your car??" But instead of answering me, he sends J an e-mail telling him we're probably staying together and that he wants to get an auto loan and would that affect OUR chances of getting a mortgage. J then emails me and says, "UM....what the heck?? Are you guys staying together? I mean, that's great if you are, but I want to check in with you first." And I told him things were in limbo still-but that my dear husband was jumping the gun and has car fever. 

Oh you guys. I was LIVID. He got home late last night from his trip and I haven't had a chance to talk to him. But, that email was SO presumptuous and just.... NOT OK. And more than ever, I think being on my own is the right thing to do. He "says'' he loves me, but his action are so self-serving. He says I'm too suspicious of him and always think the worst of him. That's probably true too--I probably have some trust issues. 

March 1, the house goes back on the market. I am not the praying sort, but I'm begging the universe to let the house sell quickly so I can move on.


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

My advice, stop engaging with him. Stop going out with him. It never ends well.

He lost weight but he's a drinker. Not a good combo of he was really interested in maintaining his health.

You can't fix bitter, you can only fix yourself. March is not that far away. In the meantime, practice detachment.


----------



## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

notmyrealname4 said:


> I've heard of this before; the fat person loses a significant amount of weight, then wants to dump the partner who stuck with them when they were unattractive.
> 
> I wonder if he wants to stay with you *now*, because he's not getting the appreciation and admiring glances from other women that he thought he would?
> 
> ...


I think this is a real possibility.

In my experience, and I have known a number of people who have had weight loss surgery, people who get it tend to have an overinflated sense of how good they look. 

They lose a lot of weight quickly and thus tend to sag, and the sugery causes them to be unable to absorb nutrients well so they age a lot. 

So while they do look better and their health is probably better, they just tend to look less fat. 

That's it. I've yet to see one that really looks that good. I'm sure they exist, this is only my experience.

But they imagine they're all kinds of hot and everyone now wants them.

So the models he thinks he's now entitled to aren't interested, so you'll do. 

I think this guy will be gone if he gets another opportunity.


----------



## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

My main question is: Why are you engaging in these arguments?

Hold this man to his word. He said he no longer wanted to be married. Yet, you go to the office Christmas party with him as if you are still married, then you argue with him because you don't like his behavior. 

If he does not want to be married, he does not get the privilege of your company at the office Christmas party. He faces his colleagues without a partner.

If he does not want to be married, he does not get to sit down and tell you that all he needed was more sex. If that were the only issue (and it was not) he should have said that to you and tried to preserve the marriage. 

If he does not want to be married, then he does not get to engage you in re-hashing, arguing etc.

Stop engaging him. Give him time to figure out what he wants. You are too valuable to allow yourself to be tossed around by his manipulations.

If he gets his act together and wants to come to you to discuss reconciling the marriage and if, at that time, you are interested in reconciling the marriage, then he can begin to win your trust back. Talk of returning to the marriage comes AFTER he has won your trust. 

Do not, under any circumstances, have sex with him. He is not thinking clearly and he somehow has this fantasy that if you two had only had more sex your marriage would have worked. Wrong. If you have sex with him, the sex will be some of the best you have ever had together, and this will only further confuse him. You don't want him coming back, saying he wants to reconcile, when he was all mixed up about sex. Leave sex out of it and then see if you want to reconcile.

Finally, he was overweight enough to need weight loss surgery and you are taking the blame for the lack of sex??? Really? Has he figured out that his gluttony might have something to do with your lack of attraction?


----------



## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Sheesh, what everyone has already said is the advice you should follow but I have one thing to mention and that you can probably count down if you are afraid of losing this confident man and he goes on the rest of his life like this .... he won't.

I see this guy hitting a brick wall in the future. Doesn't sound like he has a lifestyle that is built to maintain his new found look. He's going to gain weight again, he's going to lose this self confidence and he's going to end up feeling worse than he did ever before. If Benjamin Button wants to keep you as a wife, he will have to follow your ground rules, not his demands. You can surely compromise, that's part of a healthy marriage but there has to be give and take here and because of his own actions, he's going to have to be giving still, a lot more than he is now.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It's very difficult to continue living with someone you're in the process of divorcing. 

Stop talking unless it directly relates to the divorce.


----------



## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

Stop engaging with him. Do the 180 and detach from him completely. No conversations, no going out and DEFINITELY NO SEX.

He wants to milk you for what you can do for him. Shut that down. Shut HIM down and move on and out as quickly as possible.

BTW - I've been wondering about you and I'm glad you came back to update us.


----------



## Foxesandowls (Sep 15, 2017)

Thanks everyone. You're all correct, I know that. I feel "weak" for feeling guilty about just not engaging with him--not actually talking to him--for almost 20 years, he was the person to whom I told everything. I suppose I'll get over that eventually. 

But, I think it's the best thing to do. Last night, I started talking about what we need to do to the house to put it back on the market (because we only have a month to get stuff done) and we mapped out the weekend (errands, chores, etc.) and that's it. I handled it like I would a business transaction--civil, but no emotion. I think that's just how I need to handle everything from now on--like he's a client or a colleague. 

This is harder for me than I thought it would be (the 180), but I'm just going to keep coming back to this forum to remind myself to keep my defenses up. I also just ordered this book called "Divorce: Think financially, not emotionally" by Jeffrey Landers. I don't know if it's any good, but I read some reviews and it seemed interesting.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You're doing great. 

It's a tough process but you'll get through it.


----------



## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

Yes, you're doing great. The 180 is not meant to be easy, but it is very effective. Remember, the purpose it to detach and improve your own life and nothing that matters is ever very easy.

When you're living separately, it will be a lot easier, but only after the roller coaster of emotions slows down and you can actually enjoy the ride.


----------



## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

It is extremely hard as it goes against your natural instincts but it works very well and really helps with the healing process, the best thing for me was when my wife finally left and I completely detached. It has been close to 8 months since we spoke face to face and said anything more than a couple phrases about kids followed by a yes/no/ok and it has worked wonders in helping me move on.


----------



## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Act nice let him think things are maybe ok. 

Don't let him buy his car!

Start save as much as you can on the side...wink wink

Put the house back on the market. List it yourself until spring.

He sounds unstable.


----------



## Foxesandowls (Sep 15, 2017)

Hello everyone! 

It's been a long time since I stopped by and posted anything. Much has happened, but I will condense things and just give a brief update:

--We sold the house
--My amazing realtor found me a terrific townhouse that has a yard and walking trails for the dogs
--I moved! 

I'm leaving out a ton of details, I know. But, the main thing is that I moved! I bought a wonderful townhouse all on my own and now live with my two gorgeous dogs and we are establishing a routine and I'm loving my new neighborhood. I moved on the 19th, so it's not even been two weeks, but I feel SO good. I have not filed for divorce yet--but will be doing that very soon. And I have a feeling that it will be me who files, even though, ironically, it wasn't me who initiated this whole thing. 

I feel happy and hopeful and my anxiety and stress level has gone WAY down. My dogs seem happier too. We have been taking at least two walks every day. It's been pretty wonderful. 

I'm not quite settled in the new place--but now that I'm fully done with the old house and with my old life, I can take my time and set up my new place exactly how I want it. I'll stop by now and again because the support here has been so very helpful and I would like to return the favor to others who are going through the same things as I've gone through.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Great update!!


----------



## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

I'm so glad things have gone so quickly for you and you are getting some peace! It is amazing that even your dogs are happier!


----------



## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

It's so funny you just posted as I had just been thinking of you this past week and wondering how you're doing. I am SO GLAD to read this update!

Congratulations on your new life!


----------

