# So I talked to his ex..



## Kerrbear (Apr 1, 2019)

I spoke with the ex of the guy I’m currently seeing (long story) and she said he’s a narcissist and that’s mentally and emotionally abused her. He’s been a nice guy around me though so far. Should I be worried? Should I mention this to him?


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## a_new_me (Dec 27, 2012)

Well, what a loaded question.

In my experience with a narcissist, he was amazing at first. It, over several years, developed into the roller coaster from hell.

2 years on that coaster exploded into a crap storm. Serious assaults with life long (disabilities) implications, jail, restraining orders, good behaviour and then him moving and doing a 25 mile work commute each way because it is “cheaper” (nice excuse. No other reason for the uhaul aside from being closer to me)

5 years total after, he is still a pain I.M.A.

I should have ran when he first disclosed that he had a harassment record, but he was handsome, younger, educated and we connected. 

Now I cannot have a life, 2 years after the restraining orders ended....but I should have known that the 2nd time he breached his probation because he was stalking me.

Do not tell him you talked to her and change your phone number.
You are either the one he will stalk, or the one he will behave with because he is still stuck on her...

Good luck. 



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

What made you talk to her? Did you see some red flags or was it curiosity?

Not sure his ex is the right person, depends on why they broke up. If you talked my husbands ex wife he would be depicted as the worst scum of the earth, deadbeat dad and general lazy oaf. He's anything but.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Run a background check.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

In your other thread you say that he was upset because you interrupted him, so he hung up on you, broke up with you.. and then days later he came back as though nothing happened.

In another post you said that this is why he broke up with his ex.....



Kerrbear said:


> He said it’s because he didn’t feel like she listened to him.


So according to him..... his ex did not listen to him. And he's started with the "you don't listen to me" and "you interrupted me". 

That was back in April. What has being going on since then? What lead you to talk to his ex?


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

MANY women call their ex a narcissist. I belong to a divorced women's group on Facebook and I swear, 95% of the women in the group call their ex a narcissist. Some of them might be but certainly not that many men are true narcissists. They are most likely just your garden variety selfish *******s. A lot of these women post screen shots of arguments with their exes and I honestly don't see any narcissism at all. But, I almost married a man who was later diagnosed with borderline personality disorder with severe narcissistic features so I am well versed in true narcissism. 

But hearing about how he gets upset enough to hang up and break up with you and her because he feels ignored is a giant red flag to me. I remember my ex went ballistic on me once because we were watching tv and I was doing cross stitch while we were watching. He felt ignored. I was still talking to him and discussing the show, etc but he HATED that my attention was not 100% on him and accused me of not loving him. He once went crazy on his ex wife when they were gardening together and she chose the flower bed on the other side of the yard. He got up and dragged her over to work on the same bed as him causing her physical pain. His thoughts at the time were "who the **** does she think she is to ignore me like this??" I reminded him of what had happened with us and he said "oh yeah...I felt the same way then too." He just doesn't change. He's trying now...lots of meds and therapy but it's still there. I feel badly for him...he wants to change and he tries very hard. He's well aware that the way he thinks isn't normal. He feels deep remorse for how he treated me and even told me once he's glad for me that I didn't marry him. But he didn't see any of that until he had a psychotic break and finally got diagnosed and had intense therapy.

I'd be very careful with this man. If it were me, I'd be ending things now. But, I have zero tolerance for this type of stuff now. I make sure my boundaries are very clear. One of the first things I told my new guy was that I do not ever tolerate being called certain things or being told "**** you." You get one chance and then you're done. He looked a little scared at how intense I was about it. 

Think long and hard about this...these people start off seeming wonderful but then they change ever so slowly...you don't even notice it at first. My family and friends noticed it before I did.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> MANY women call their ex a narcissist. I belong to a divorced women's group on Facebook and I swear, 95% of the women in the group call their ex a narcissist.


This is why I don't like labels. Better to ask about specific examples.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Kerrbear said:


> I spoke with the ex of the guy I’m currently seeing (long story) and she said he’s a narcissist....


Is there a woman left on this planet who *DOESN'T* claim her ex is a "Narcissist?" Let me guess - his ex made that "diagnosis." 

Golly. What a _*shocker*_.

You see this done all the time on message boards, too. Posters "diagnosing" people they read about in posts, claiming the person is probably a "Narcissist" or a "porn addict" or "sex addict," when they have absolutely NO medical education or training *whatsoever*. So I'm guessing this woman made an armchair "diagnosis" of him and not surprisingly, in her 'medical opinion,' he's a "Narcissist." :rofl:

He sounds like an *immature douche bag who doesn't respect you*, no doubt about it. But no one online or any of his ex's or any of his drinking buddies or co-workers or neighbors are qualified to tell you whether he's a Narcissist or not. Only a medical professional can tell you that.

But whether he is or not is moot, really. The point here is, why do you have NO self respect at all? Is there a *reason* you continue to allow him to disrespect you? Is it because he's the only male in a 250 mile radius of your home so he's the only game in town? Is it because you're afraid if you dump him you won't have another chance to find someone else? Is it fear of being alone? Is it co-dependency? Or is it really nothing more than just plain bad decision-making?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Not saying he's a peach, but...

My ex actually reached out to my current wife while my current wife and I were dating to warn her about me and how I was a narcissist and a paranoid schizophrenic, and that the abuse would start. Only a matter of time. Those communications, along with my exes communications with me were part of the supporting evidence in the NPD clinical diagnosis of my ex wife.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Its not proof, but keep you eyes open. Does his behavior fit that pattern?


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## AandM (Jan 30, 2019)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Is there a woman left on this planet who *DOESN'T* claim her ex is a "Narcissist?" Let me guess - his ex made that "diagnosis."
> 
> Golly. What a _*shocker*_.
> 
> ...


I call bull**** on you. A lot of people got their psychology degree from Cosmo, while staying in a Holiday Inn Express.


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## Kerrbear (Apr 1, 2019)

I’ll just post a general reply bc sorry way to many to reply to here!

Yes same guy and yes lots of ups and downs but I was rationalizing this was because he’s still going through a very heated divorce.

Our kids have met and have exchanged numbers. Well, his ex wife messaged me through my child’s phone asking to speak with me. I felt bad doing this behind my boyfriends back but curiosity got the best of me and I called her.

First, she’s a therapist herself. She didn’t seem hostile at all but very level-headed and personable. So she began telling me a bit about their history and what lead to their divorce. And also warmed me that he’s been diagnosed by their couples therapist as being a narc and by her own observation/experience with him as well. He was verbally abusive to her- name calling, critical, telling her repeatedly he didn’t love her and wanted a divorce. She said she’s still shaken up by him and is scared of him.

Now he hasn’t been a saint with me as I went over in a previous post but he’s never name called or acted as horribly as he did to his ex. 

Thing is I’m just wondering if she’s saying all this to scare me away? He’s told me she’s not particularly happy we are dating or our kids have met. And that she’s no saint herself, having broken up the marriage bc of her affair. He’s also said she has a big ego and was very controlling during the marriage. So who do I believe here?

And no I’m not scared of being alone nor is it codependency. We get along very well and I have a good connection with this man. I just wish I met him after his divorce issues were done bc of all the drama resulting from it.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

First, there's a large distinction between having a narcissistic personality and having a disorder like NPD. He may well be on the narcissistic end of things but be perfectly healthy psychologically.

Also, language changes as we go on in life and the word 'narcissist' has entered the general vocabulary to mean 'self-centered.' This isn't the official definition in the fields of psychiatry or psychology.

Independent of the labeling, though, I would say that you absolutely don't want to be in the middle of any of this. He says, she says. You can't and won't win.

(And fwiw, I'm the only person I know who isn't a narcissist, lol. I'm the perfect INFJ.)


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

What you do is take anything she says about him with a grain of salt but take the warning to heart as well. Use your best judgment. You're the one spending time with him so you are the best one to judge how he treats you and what it means if anything. How he treated her is unrelated because as a couple they would have had a totally different dynamic.

He may end up being perfectly fine with you. 

I just came out of an almost exact situation. I chose to leave because he treated me like a queen but treated everything and everyone else not so well. I knew it would be just a matter of time before our little bubble popped and he began to treat me like everyone else.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Kerrbear said:


> I’ll just post a general reply bc sorry way to many to reply to here!
> 
> Yes same guy and yes lots of ups and downs but I was rationalizing this was because he’s still going through a very heated divorce.
> 
> ...


First of all the fact that SHE reached out to you is a HUGE red flag against her. Of course she sounded calm, shes a therapist and used to dealing with people, she is a trained professional and knows how to compose herself. I think she is sticking her nose where it doesnt belong and working towards sabotaging your relationship and punishing her stbx.

I think you need to stop reaching out and asking everybody else's opinion of your relationship, especially entertaining people's ex's. It doesnt look very favorably on you and if I found out my GF was asking for everybody else's opinion I'd be done.

Has he mistreated you?, Has he been abusive? If you answer yes to these questions then you shouldn't need anybody else's opinion on the matter. There is also the distinct possibility that he may suffer triggers after being in an abusive relationship, maybe they both were horrible toward eachother...


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

My ex said I was insane. 

I say she was. 

Maybe both is true, or neither, or something in between. 

Something drove you to talk to his ex. What was that?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Not said:


> What you do is take anything she says about him with a grain of salt but take the warning to heart as well. Use your best judgment.


I second this. I have warned a new gf before about an ex, with all sincerity and honesty about his issues, so I know that sometimes these warnings are for real. But I also know that sometimes an ex wife or gf is psycho, so agree that you should not ignore what she said, but do keep yourself aware of his behavior.


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## a_new_me (Dec 27, 2012)

Benbutton said:


> First of all the fact that SHE reached out to you is a HUGE red flag against her. Of course she sounded calm, shes a therapist and used to dealing with people, she is a trained professional and knows how to compose herself. I think she is sticking her nose where it doesnt belong and working towards sabotaging your relationship and punishing her stbx.
> 
> I think you need to stop reaching out and asking everybody else's opinion of your relationship, especially entertaining people's ex's. It doesnt look very favorably on you and if I found out my GF was asking for everybody else's opinion I'd be done.
> 
> Has he mistreated you?, Has he been abusive? If you answer yes to these questions then you shouldn't need anybody else's opinion on the matter. There is also the distinct possibility that he may suffer triggers after being in an abusive relationship, maybe they both were horrible toward eachother...




I have to disagree with you about the huge red flag thing.

I reached out to my ex’s now ex gf. The guy that moved to the same city I live in even though he has no friends of family here and it gave him a huge commute.

Ya, he was with her for nearly 2 years and she had no clue that he beat the crap out of me several times in front of my kids, stalked me, spent 9 months in prison and had racked up 10 charges. He behaved himself, they had separate bedrooms and had occasional sex because she was always busy with other things. She had no clue that he cheated on her and was quite surprised when he left her to move closer to me.

She even confronted him about it. He told her to go to hell. 

I didn’t tell her who he really was to be malicious. I told her so that she would not have to go through what I went through and what my children went through.

Warning the new gf about an abuser is the right thing to do. You could be saving their life.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

My husband's ex said that he was emotionally abusive. We have been married for 14 years and he hasn't got an abusive bone in his body. He is the most easy going, easy to please, laid back and patient man I have ever met. 
I knew she was wrong and trusted my instincts. Exes can say all sorts of things for all sorts of reasons, many lie. 
She on the other hand is controlling and manipulative according to those who know her.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

a_new_me said:


> Benbutton said:
> 
> 
> > First of all the fact that SHE reached out to you is a HUGE red flag against her. Of course she sounded calm, shes a therapist and used to dealing with people, she is a trained professional and knows how to compose herself. I think she is sticking her nose where it doesnt belong and working towards sabotaging your relationship and punishing her stbx.
> ...


I too am speaking from experience as my ex wife tried to sabotage two of my relationships and she is diagnosed bpd. 

You may choose to disagree but my experience was different than yours.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Kerrbear said:


> I’ll just post a general reply bc sorry way to many to reply to here!
> 
> Yes same guy and yes lots of ups and downs but I was rationalizing this was because he’s still going through a very heated divorce.
> 
> ...


She's a therapist? What's her education level? Is she a phycologist? A psychiatrist? Or something else?

What is the education level of their couple's counselor? Most couple's counselors don't have the medical/psychiatric education/qualifications to diagnose anyone with something like NPD. She's completely out of line telling you what some counselor diagnosed him with some kind of mental health problem. That's not what couple's counselors do. She knows that. 



Kerrbear said:


> He was verbally abusive to her- name calling, critical, telling her repeatedly he didn’t love her and wanted a divorce. She said she’s still shaken up by him and is scared of him.
> 
> Now he hasn’t been a saint with me as I went over in a previous post but he’s never name called or acted as horribly as he did to his ex.


If I were you, I'd take what she said with a few grains of salt. He might have been abusive of her, or she might just be bad mouthing him. 

Does what she said match your experience with him? 

You say that he has not been a saint with you. Can you give us the 3 worst examples of his bad behavior? Without examples, it's hard for people to help you.



Kerrbear said:


> Thing is I’m just wondering if she’s saying all this to scare me away? He’s told me she’s not particularly happy we are dating or our kids have met. And that she’s no saint herself, having broken up the marriage bc of her affair. He’s also said she has a big ego and was very controlling during the marriage. So who do I believe here?


This is crazy making. Don't waste your energy on this. The only thing that matters is, how does he treat you? 



Kerrbear said:


> And no I’m not scared of being alone nor is it codependency. We get along very well and I have a good connection with this man. I just wish I met him after his divorce issues were done bc of all the drama resulting from it.


It takes about 18 to 24 months to get to know someone.


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## Kerrbear (Apr 1, 2019)

EleGirl said:


> Kerrbear said:
> 
> 
> > I’ll just post a general reply bc sorry way to many to reply to here!
> ...


She has an MA and is a psychotherapist

Some things that I’ve seen that I’m not fond of:
Complains about his problems constantly but seems bored/disinterested when I have a problem I need to discuss.

Broke up with me because I wasn’t being empathetic and interrupted him when he was speaking one day. I was trying to offer a solution to something he was complaining about.

If I ask for extra attention or affection he says I’m being needy.

Only wants to do activities he’s interested in. 

Is unreasonably hard on his kids. Won’t say anything to them but will complain to me about them. 

Maybe I am worried my judgment is off and that’s why I’m here and speaking to his ex. I was in a very unhappy marriage for some time with someone who hid his faults early on. I don’t want to get duped again.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

I agree with @Not, and think that you should keep in mind the things that she tells you. Don’t dwell on them, but also keep your eyes open to how your BF treats you. I also agree that it totally depends on people’s personalities, and how those personalities either get along with or clash with others. My XH and my personalities clashed, but I know he’ll be a great match for someone out there. At one point though, I’d have slotted him into the “narcissist” category. That was when I was upset and angry though, and now I would just say that he was very confused, didn’t know how to be in a relationship, and was just self-centred.


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## Kerrbear (Apr 1, 2019)

I hear you. I’m just worried my judgment is off 😐. Also feel like I’ve been sucked into the middle of their disagreement and wish I hadn’t spoken to her.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Kerrbear said:


> I hear you. I’m just worried my judgment is off 😐. Also feel like I’ve been sucked into the middle of their disagreement and wish I hadn’t spoken to her.


What does your gut say?


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## nekonamida (Feb 21, 2017)

Kerrbear said:


> Some things that I’ve seen that I’m not fond of:
> Complains about his problems constantly but seems bored/disinterested when I have a problem I need to discuss.
> 
> Broke up with me because I wasn’t being empathetic and interrupted him when he was speaking one day. I was trying to offer a solution to something he was complaining about.
> ...


The worst one is him breaking up with you over nothing. It does sound like his exwife could be telling the truth.

If this is as good as things ever get with him, do you still want to be with him? I'd hope not because I'm seeing that he's isn't giving you much of anything here. No emotional support, no sympathy, no care for you or your interests. The sex must be awesome because I don't really get what you're getting out of this otherwise. It sounds like you're his emotional sponge and sex toy but that's about it.

If he really is a narcissist, he didn't start off abusing his exwife either and he will start with you when he feels comfortable enough. His current behavior isn't great and does sound like it could be a precursor to future abuse. He doesn't seem to really see you if he acts bored, disinterested, and dismissive any time you try to connect with him about something that isn't him or his divorce. You sound like a prop - a useful tool for him to let his frustration out on and get sex and support in return without a thought or care to what you want - and that mindset is consistent with narcissists and abusers.

You should think hard about whether this relationship is serving you well now TODAY when you can't really share any of your life with him in an emotional sense. And if not, get rid of him. But if you do think you're getting enough out of this, keep your eyes open and be ready to leave if he does start abusing you too.


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## Ms. Hawaii (Mar 28, 2018)

Kerrbear said:


> Broke up with me because I wasn’t being empathetic and interrupted him when he was speaking one day. I was trying to offer a solution to something he was complaining about.
> 
> I




And you took him back? 

I would dump him based on what you posted, but I have 0 tolerance for BS.


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## a_new_me (Dec 27, 2012)

Benbutton said:


> I too am speaking from experience as my ex wife tried to sabotage two of my relationships and she is diagnosed bpd.
> 
> You may choose to disagree but my experience was different than yours.




I am sorry that you went through that. It must have been rough for you.

Not all people are compatible, and that does have a serious effect of the dynamics of relationships.

From what OP has posted however, it sounds more like her partner is more of a narcissist, than someone that is manipulative and malicious, like you have described your ex as.

There is a HUGE difference between these type of people, and from what she has stated, her partner is showing the early signs of being an abuser.

Regardless of if the person is incompatible or an abuser is insignificant at this point in time.
What is most important is that OP knows, and goes in eyes wide open before she becomes a statistic.

I would take having a jerk for an ex any-day over having to deal with the repercussions of being disabled, living in terror and the effects of PTSD for not just myself but my young children, who suffer EVERY SINGLE DAY because they witnessed their mother almost being beaten to death. 


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Kerrbear said:


> Some things that I’ve seen that I’m not fond of:
> Complains about his problems constantly but seems bored/disinterested when I have a problem I need to discuss.
> 
> Broke up with me because I wasn’t being empathetic and interrupted him when he was speaking one day. I was trying to offer a solution to something he was complaining about.
> ...


Have you ever had a relationship where it felt you were getting an equal and fulfilling amount of loving behaviors from your partner? Or has it mostly been you having to accept less than what would feel satisfying and good? Do you feel you deserve better treatment than you’ve been getting from him? Or that maybe crumbs is all you deserve?

When the answers tend towards the lesser experience, there some who would say the way to avoid being duped again is to address whatever has left one’s expectations so low, and left one uncomfortable about accepting more.

Not saying that is relevant to you. But is something on my mind lately.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Kerrbear said:


> Broke up with me because I wasn’t being empathetic and interrupted him when he was speaking one day. I was trying to offer a solution to something he was complaining about.


YIKES. How did he finagle his way back into your life after this ****show?!! I realize this is the Cliffsnotes version, but if this is really the gist of it, why did you take him back? What did he say and do to manage that?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Just because she is a therapist doesn't mean that she is not the crazy one. 

As a hospital professor once said to a TAM member about crazy people working in the mental health field: "It's easy to hide a tree in a forest."

However, I don't think he is relationship material. And if he's too hard on his kids, might he not be too hard on your kids?

About her spreading confidential information from therapy sessions? Even if it's concerning her ex-husband, that's not cool and her licensing authority/board would take a pretty dim view of that.


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## Kerrbear (Apr 1, 2019)

Marduk said:


> Kerrbear said:
> 
> 
> > I hear you. I’m just worried my judgment is off 😐. Also feel like I’ve been sucked into the middle of their disagreement and wish I hadn’t spoken to her.
> ...


I guess not to trust him. Hence why I’m here and talked to his ex


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## Kerrbear (Apr 1, 2019)

nekonamida said:


> Kerrbear said:
> 
> 
> > Some things that I’ve seen that I’m not fond of:
> ...


We have fun together, great sex, our kids get along. But yes getting little in terms of emotional support from him. I definitely give way more than him.


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## Kerrbear (Apr 1, 2019)

PieceOfSky said:


> Have you ever had a relationship where it felt you were getting an equal and fulfilling amount of loving behaviors from your partner? Or has it mostly been you having to accept less than what would feel satisfying and good? Do you feel you deserve better treatment than you’ve been getting from him? Or that maybe crumbs is all you deserve?


Yes my ex husband initially but then he turned into a totally different person.


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## Kerrbear (Apr 1, 2019)

lucy999 said:


> YIKES. How did he finagle his way back into your life after this ****show?!! I realize this is the Cliffsnotes version, but if this is really the gist of it, why did you take him back? What did he say and do to manage that?


Lots of begging and promises. He’s never done it again either. I do think I forgive easily though. I have a hard time staying mad at people in general.


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## Kerrbear (Apr 1, 2019)

MattMatt said:


> Just because she is a therapist doesn't mean that she is not the crazy one.
> 
> As a hospital professor once said to a TAM member about crazy people working in the mental health field: "It's easy to hide a tree in a forest."
> 
> ...


He calls her crazy all the time. But then she called him crazy too lol. Idk what’s real.

He actually has said comments about my kids. While not false observations, I would never have said things about his kids to him, it’s not my place.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He’s showing you who he is. There’ll probably be more down the road. You’ll have to decide if that’s what you want.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

a_new_me said:


> Benbutton said:
> 
> 
> > I too am speaking from experience as my ex wife tried to sabotage two of my relationships and she is diagnosed bpd.
> ...


Actually I described my ex as being diagnosed with BPD, she also has narcissistic tendencies. As described by my therapist when I asked her about these things she advised that borderline and narcissistic behaviors are very much diagnosed together. 

She wasn't simply a jerk or incompatible. She was very much emotionally abusive and physically abusive as well as neglectful toward our children.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Kerrbear said:


> Some things that I’ve seen that I’m not fond of:
> Complains about his problems constantly but seems bored/disinterested when I have a problem I need to discuss.
> 
> Broke up with me because I wasn’t being empathetic and interrupted him when he was speaking one day. I was trying to offer a solution to something he was complaining about.
> ...















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## nekonamida (Feb 21, 2017)

Kerrbear said:


> We have fun together, great sex, our kids get along. But yes getting little in terms of emotional support from him. I definitely give way more than him.


Kerr, you could throw a rock and hit a guy who provides more than this for you. You can find fun, great sex, and nice kids anywhere.

This looks cut and dry to me. You don't trust him. He doesn't even provide the most basic of needs for a relationship and he's resistant to changing that. He isn't a good parent. He says things that you find unacceptable and in bad taste about your kids whether they're true or not. You give far more than you get. It's time to cut and run.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Kerrbear said:


> I guess not to trust him. Hence why I’m here and talked to his ex


Then you shouldn't be with him.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Not said:


> What you do is take anything she says about him with a grain of salt but take the warning to heart as well. Use your best judgment. You're the one spending time with him so you are the best one to judge how he treats you and what it means if anything. How he treated her is unrelated because as a couple they would have had a totally different dynamic.
> 
> He may end up being perfectly fine with you.
> 
> I just came out of an almost exact situation. I chose to leave because he treated me like a queen but treated everything and everyone else not so well. I knew it would be just a matter of time before our little bubble popped and he began to treat me like everyone else.


A good observation.

A popular refrain is this, "A person who treats animals badly is not to be trusted".

Animals or people, all should be treated fairly and kindly, 99% of the time.

If you get an animals hackles up, step away. If you get a fellow human's hackles up, first, look in the mirror.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> Just because she is a therapist doesn't mean that she is not the crazy one.
> 
> As a hospital professor once said to a TAM member about crazy people working in the mental health field: "It's easy to hide a tree in a forest."
> 
> ...


Like that moth to a flame.
That troubled person to that trouble solving profession.

That which interests you can also be one's bugaboo.
And, often is.

Some people enjoy the itch, the pain and the prescribed ointment that relieves one of this.

Feeling the pain, seeing the source can both be comforting.

We swat at, only those gnats that we feel, ignore those, that only others see.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Kerrbear said:


> We have fun together, great sex, our kids get along. But yes getting little in terms of emotional support from him. I definitely give way more than him.


--- The thing with abusive people is that they are not abusive all the time. 

Look up the term “Cycle of Abuse”. Abusive people are generally good (fun, great sex, etc) most of the time. That’s part of the cycle. If they are abusive all the time, they could no sucker someone into staying with them.

The cycle of abuse works because it confuses the target (you). Generally, abusers pick someone who has weak boundaries, someone who will question their own intuition. This is what you are doing. Your gut is telling you that something is really off with him… him breaking up in anger like he did, him not giving you affection and emotional support, etc. You know there is something wrong. But you are second guessing yourself.

This is your pattern. The same one you had in your previous relationship.


Kerrbear said:


> Yes my ex husband initially but then he turned into a totally different person.


 --- Abusive people are usually not abusive at the start of a relationship.

They build it up to it slowly over time. Your ex did that.

It sounds like this is what the guy you are dating is doing.

A person with strong, healthy boundaries would have not allowed him back in her life after he broke up over that phone call. That's crazy making on his part. He found out a lot from that acting out. He found out that he can be mean, attack you angrily, ignore your needs, etc, and you will just forgive him. So now he's ignoring your needs for emotional support etc, because you have taught him that he can.

I think that you would benefit from some individual counseling from someone who specializes in helping victims of abuse. You would benefit from learning to set strong boundaries and learning to not put up with neglect and abuse.

There are some good books available from places like amazon.com for learning to set strong boundaries.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

People like him seek people like you.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Kerrbear said:


> Some things that I’ve seen that I’m not fond of:
> Complains about his problems constantly but seems bored/disinterested when I have a problem I need to discuss.
> 
> Broke up with me because I wasn’t being empathetic and interrupted him when he was speaking one day. I was trying to offer a solution to something he was complaining about.
> ...


This litany would definitely ring alarm bells for me. She could be right.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Kerrbear's BF is so, into himself, and so consumed with his own thoughts, he has no hugging room left for others

His *ego* is very prominent, and he is so dominating, *ergo* I would end the relationship.


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