# Approaching 2 different anniversaries.....



## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

well, it will be a year ago right about now that my H started his A. So while we are doing very well - my marriage is very strong - we're happy, in love, so connected....it's wonderful quite frankly! We rarely fight now and are so conscious of making the other happy. I guess how our marriage should have been. 

So, for me I feel the next few weeks will be, in a way, my last obstacle. This is my favorite time of year but everything we go to do reminds me that this time last year......... Because we never stopped doing all our family things, my H was always around during the A. In fact, I asked just the other day - how could you still do all those things with me while it was going on? He said, "I still liked doing things with you when you were you - the fun you. Not the *****y, mean person you were most of the time" Well, that hurt but I can, unfortunately, understand what he meant. The same way he was a jerk to me alot of the times - we fed off one another. The hardest thing will be trying to keep the reminders of one year ago from haunting me. 

The other part is our wedding anniversary is coming up as well - 15 years. (My H has a less than 2 month affair and it had to occur around our anniversary???!!!!) So, for me I want to do something special. Unfortunately we can't afford alot right now but wanted to make it special nonetheless. For the past few years we hadn't made it special, part of the problem too I would say. Part of me feels that it is hypocritical though. I mean to celebrate our union and vows that are now broken? That part makes me sad. I truly want to renew our vows but again, can't really shell out hundreds of dollars to do so. I was thinking of just renewing them ourselves, just us. Since his A isn't out in the open, only a handful of people know, so for pretty much everyone else we're still the same couple we've always been. So, just something for us - to renew our bond. Does that sound silly?

Sometimes I feel like a fake because we are so happy and people will comment on it, tease us. We will get together with other couples and someone will talk about no kids at home for the night so what does that mean, etc. - playful kidding and we'll be the couple that they comment on - "doesn't matter to them - they are like rabbits anyway, etc." I mean - we are that couple now - but we once weren't! 

Sorry, just rambling I guess. I don't post on here or actually visit here much anymore. 90% of the time, the A is the farthest thing from my mind. I am too busy with life - hubby, kids, work, etc. and making the most of it that I don't have time to dwell in the past. My H is so in love with me - tells me upteen times a day how much he loves me, how beautiful I am, how sexy I am, how much I turn him on, etc. I know my H didn't have an A because I wasn't all those things and the OW was. He had an A becuase I wasn't.......there. Emotionally, physically, etc. Had I been it would have never happened. Sad but true.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

It's understandable that you would have these kinds of feelings. And I don't think there's anything wrong with celebrating your anniversary, or with renewing your vows, just the two of you. Celebrating your anniversary, instead of looking at it like celebrating vows that were broken, you can look at it as that you did live up to the "for better or worse" part of the vow, and you made it through the worse. Renewing the vows, just the two of you, is a nice idea, too, to remind you of what you have, what you want, all that kind of stuff. I see nothing wrong with any of it.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I have a great suggestion for you, mommy2. This month is a month for RECLAIMING. You reclaim this month for YOU and for your marriage and your family, and don't you let this affair have ONE MORE MINUTE of your time! 

So "This is my favorite time of year but everything we go to do reminds me that this time last year........."?? Nope reclaim it. Start a new tradition, that this time of year starts with you and dear hubby having a private wedding ceremony on September 10th--you, him and your pastor only. It's very personal, only you two know about this "secret anniversary" and it is the two of you before one other person (like a judge would also work) and taking back the month. Then every year after this, you two can renew your vows to each other again, have a "secret" anniversary (just days before your real one), have a "secret" celebration, and part of the fun is keeping it just between you two! Then start new traditions like drinking the first cup of hot cider together, etc. and adding new twists to the old traditions you like so well so that they are now YOURS and yours only.


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

@atruckersgirl - Thank you! For the most part I have wanted to continue to celebrate my anniversary, it's sometimes part of me would ask if I was being hypocritical. But you're right - we did survive and deal with the for better or worse part!

@Affaircare - thanks for the suggestion. I like the reclaiming and to be honest, I only feel like that a little bit of the time - I get that cringe feeling when I think of a year ago. But I am pretty good and putting those thought aside. I have never let the A or the OW consume me. Again, I have moments but they are few and far between. This is MY marriage and MY husband. She may have had him for a few weeks for a few stolen moments but he is the father of my children and with me. So she can't take that from me. Will consider the "secret" anniversary. Since the A is our hidden secret, kinda want to not have to have anymore, you know what I mean? LOL Also, would like to renew the vows with the pastor but we just started going this past year or so to this church and I like the minister alot but wouldn't want to raise any red flags as to why we want to renew our vows. We'll see though. I am going to discuss with my hubby. And we are keeping up with all the old traditions and starting new as well. Funny thing - we take kids to a farm every year. We had planned to go the day my H's A was discovered! After the horrible discovery that morning and hours of talking and not sure what we were going to do - we still took the kids and went! So that will always be bittersweet. I think he helped that we went - I think we realized how important it was to work on our marriage to save our family! Thanks again!

@RWB - I have NEVER blamed myself for my H's A. That's all on him. He knows that. He should have told me/talked to me or walked out versus that. He was weak/selfish and we both know that. I do blame myself for not being a better wife and being there physically & emotionally for my H. Because I wasn't he believed I didn't love him or give a rat's a** if he did what he was doing. If I had been the wife all along that I am now - he would have NEVER been tempted to have an affair. I have forgiven my H and I do think he thinks it's a blessing! 

I am fortunate that I don't worry too much about my H having another A. I guess I am lucky in the sense we weren't in this madly in love phase, I thought all was well and then shocked and horrified that he was doing this behind my back. I was shocked and horrified no doubt, but knew my marriage was in a bad place. On the other hand, the hubby of the OW thought their marriage is fine and dandy and WHAM! Still have no idea what her reasoning was - think she just took advantage of the situation. Probably the reason he still is having a rough time, can't sleep - still a mess. I, comparatively, am doing just fine. 

Thanks again! Gonna go discuss our anniversary plans with my hubby!


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## Rightpath (Jan 24, 2011)

So mommy2 what did you decide on the vow renewal? Your story could have been mine. I say our marriage fell apart, months before H had A. It was on both of us that it wasnt wor'king. Yet it was on him for the A.
But we are in such a good place now! We are happy. I have forgiven him, also. 
Though I have moments also that are hard. A few weeks ago, the OW tried to be my H friend on facebook. More than a year and half later! He cried when he told me and showed me he rejected it the friend the request was something I was waiting for - the contact- and now that is finally over with. I know now he will tell me. I sometimes wonder if i should write her a message. To let her know i forgive her also. To be honest, part of me does - part not so much. She also i feel took advantage of the situation.
thanks for sharing your story... its good to know another who is making their marriage work.


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

@Rightpath - well we still haven't renewed our vows. We will, my H understands why it's important to me. Just still want to kind of make special. Small ceremony or something. Even if just us two. 

I have forgiven my H too and actually, it's funny, it's the OW I am having trouble forgiving completely. She was a good friend. Not to go into details or long story but I have still have contact with her now, limited. Again, no one knows about us so to not continue to join our group of girlfriends for our monthly get togethers would raise red flags. We are cordial, again, we don't want to raise curiosity. So, that's my next hurdle - trying to truly forgive her. 

Glad to hear things are going well for you too. We too are in good place and happy.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

Thanks for posting Mommy2, I love hearing from people who are surviving the affair.

It's only been a month since d-day for me and it's still a roller coaster of emotion. In a few months I'll be approacing the date his affair started this time last year too. Although most contact was through email and text, there were still about 20 occasions where they essentially had a "date" (only 2 of those involved sex) spread out over 2010. So soon I'll be saying "This time last year..." for the rest of 2011.

We will also be celebrating our 15 year anniversary this year and unfortunatley the second time he had sex with her was just days before. It's disappointing because we were pretty sexually active, at least 2-3 times a week. It's probably why the affair wasn't more physical. But it still stinks feeling like our anniversary date was tarnished. May have to ponder that special secret anniversary date at some point.

Anyway, any tips you can give on getting through the trap of thinking about 'what he was doing last year' will be helpful. I know it's not productive to think that way and will try to focus on rebuilding, but I also know it will be hard. 

Congratulations on making it this far!


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## pacmouse (Nov 27, 2008)

I am also struggling with the same thing. My H had his first sexual encounter with the OW just 5 days before our 8th anniversary. Of course I didn't know this when we were celebrating our anniversary together 5 days later (thinking everything was fine) We had a great night and nothing seemed off. For our 9th anniversary we were separated, but still celebrated by going into town for a show and dinner. He was kind of sniffing around previously to this and seemed like he was having second thoughts. Shortly after this date, I found out about his affair and exposed him and the OW!!!! 

I have been playing the "a year ago this time...." for awhile and it sucks!!!! My last two anniversaries have basically been lies and I don't know how to get bast this one either.

We have been working on our marriage for four months and everything is going really well, but, GEEZ this detail is really a hard one to get over...

I would love to hear more ideas on how to get that special feeling back for our anniversary date. I have even considered doing a vow renewal on "their anniversary" to reclaim that day.

ugh!


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## Rightpath (Jan 24, 2011)

Mommy2... we are pondering the vow renewal...We renewed ours at 20 years - more for the "event" thing. This time it would be more of a private meaningful ceremony. Same with us- only a few close friends and our sons know of the A- - you are a brave gal encountering the OW on a regular basis. I find myself really forgiving but i dont have to see her ever again. 

For pacmouse and saffron, its one day at a time i kept -and still somedays, keep, telling myself, "You made the decision to work on your marriage- now move foward."
For us it was learning to put God first- at the helm of our marriage. We believed in God before- but weren't practicers of our beliefs. Especially in our marriage. We went to counseling a few times and took a marriage class at our church. Our pastor taught communication-our biggest problem. How to listen and be attentive to each others needs with "The Five Love Languages." You can google it for more info on the how to accomplish them.


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## mentalmess (Jan 8, 2011)

This thread hits close to home. We are about a month past d-day. The OW posted anonymously as a concerned friend that my husband was having an affair for years. She did it on our anniversary.
My husband is doing everything right. I am trying to find ways to combat the horrible,hurtful thoughts and pictures in my head. My husband looks like he is going to cry when he sees me having a bad time which makes it even worse. I am torturing not only myself but him too.
I love the idea of renewing vows. Too soon yet but if things go well maybe next year. It would be a great way of taking back our anniversary. It will be our 25th.


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## marleygirl (Feb 3, 2011)

My husband first cheated on me 2 days after our 3ed anniversary. I don't know how I will get through our anniversary in August. I have suggested a vow renewal but not a time frame. This August will be our 5th anniversary. He carried on this affair on and off for 18 months. during the first 6 months I lost 2 babies and my Mother. we are just a couple of weeks into healing and I am struggleing with thoughts of them together and the lenght of time he lived a lie.


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

Saffron said:


> Thanks for posting Mommy2, I love hearing from people who are surviving the affair.
> 
> It's only been a month since d-day for me and it's still a roller coaster of emotion. In a few months I'll be approacing the date his affair started this time last year too. Although most contact was through email and text, there were still about 20 occasions where they essentially had a "date" (only 2 of those involved sex) spread out over 2010. So soon I'll be saying "This time last year..." for the rest of 2011.
> 
> ...


Not sure what tips to give besides just trying to forget about "it" as much as you can. (easier said than done) and just focus on the now. I think I asked him if they were together/did it on our anniversary and I am pretty sure he said no. Not going to ask again. He actually probably doesn't remember now anyway. I guess "fortunately" for lack of better word - they only had sex about 10 times. The PA part of the A only lasted a couple weeks. I think they had been kissing prior to that so I guess the true PA may have been a bit longer. 

Again, still definitely planning to doing the vow renewal - hopefully sooner versus later. For our anniversary this year we did do something special. We got a hotel and went away for the night, just us, no kids. It wasn't far from home but it's an adult only retreat - big walk in shower, hot tub in room, etc. We had wine and candles and just enjoyed us for the evening. It was truly amazing!! We may start a tradition - we felt like we were worlds away!

@Rightpath - not sure if I am brave or crazy??!!  I want to find that forgiveness but am not all the way there yet for OW. Maybe someday. I know some say she doesn't deserve it, and I partly agree. But it's not healthy or right. She doesn't deserve my friendship, like she once had. But I guess I can forgive and be an acquaintance.


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## Rightpath (Jan 24, 2011)

mommy2- I really struggle with the aspect of everyone deserves forgiveness. including the OW. I pray on this often. But it has not come fully.
Our kids are older so my H and I, can take off now when ever schedules and finances allow. I agree it is such a good thing to just connect as two adults can.  glad you had that time!

To the others.. For you both its all pretty fresh for you. give it some time. Try to avoid the triggers... songs, places and even tv programs that make A's seem ok. 
I think the hardest thing and still is sometimes is the open part of the world that expresses their disgust of As - and staying with the cheater. and nothing about those who stay together and make it work. Maybe we should all go public? NOT. lol.
Take it slow -and put your faith in God. We now both listen to K_LOVE radio. (and we were country through and through) its like daily reassurance.


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