# Fiancee and WebCam



## SeattleAlan (Mar 11, 2010)

I am engaged to an absolutely wonderful woman - second time around for both of us. Recently she asked me to help her figure out why her home computer was so sluggish. I jokingly said "Is there anything on there you don't want me to see?" Her reply was " Of course not - You already know everything about me- I have no secrets from you." By prior arrangement, I took her computer home to work on it while she was travelling on business.

I went through methodically cleaning out the junk and remnant files, old software, etc. I found a series of files I didn't recognize and opened them to see whether they could be deleted. They were IM chat logs of hers from before we met. I couldn't help but see that they were very explicit sexual encounters and web cam sex. 

We have a fabulous relationship with great sex.... But I had no idea that she had been into this. l knew that she had a difficult marriage prior to the sudden death of her spouse. These conversations happened for about a year before her husband died and ended when we met.

I'm now full of mixed emotions about this... I have no problem with the fact that she did this in the past - but... Feeling guilty that I read some of her most private correspondence (I'm sure she didn't have a thought that it was still on there) I think part of my justification for reading it was to find out if it was still happening. I'm very happy that it is not happening now behind my back and feel that she has not lied to me. I can't get the thought out of my head that maybe our sex is now too "tame" for her. We are both adventurous and open-minded but also both very shy. Does she want more that she is bashful to suggest- as suggested by her list of likes and dislikes in the chat logs... 
It was also a real turn-on to see that she was so sexual. But I feel almost jealous in some ways of the strangers with whom she shared more and did more on camera than we have shared. 

I'm wondering whether to just delete and forget I ever saw it (yeah right...) or at least never bring it up.. Or do I find some way to raise it and tell her that I had deleted some files that I didn't think she would want her teenage kids to see - thereby working into a discussion about it. 

What I would like to say to her about it:
- It's OK!
- Thank you for being so honest about ending other relationships when we met. Though I never asked for this, she made a point of saying this several times that she was getting rid of all connections to others she had met or dated. (this was proof that she really did cut all old ties - not that proof was needed)
- It is kind of intriguing knowing she has such a strongly sexual side to her I had not seen.
- I want to find out if she wants more adventurous sex but is too shy to ask

But... I'm hesitant to raise it because:
I don't want her to feel that I violated her privacy
I don't want to damage our fabulous relationship
I don't want to make her uncomfortable
I don't want to raise anything that she may be very embarassed by or that she has tried to put in her past.

So, Any thoughts insight or comments?

Thanks!
Alan


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## steve71 (Feb 5, 2010)

Hi Alan

well, what a surprise! I can see your difficulty and I've tried to imagine how I would like to respond in the same situation. I don't think I would want to avoid talking about it and maybe now is the time rather than next year, five years or never....

If your lovely lady has been resourceful and courageous enough to find such a solution to staying sane in her previous relationship then perhaps she will be able to cope with your discovery without too much difficulty. Surely you can be as open with her as she has been rational about seeking pleasure?

I would not allow the slightest hint of jealousy or reproach in my voice when first raising the subject. And a warm twinkle in your eye might help a lot too! Maybe you can suggest camming together if you go away on business trips - don't leave her feeling exposed and vulnerable over this and do welcome what you've discovered into your loving relationship.

I think I rather envy you


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## AlexNY (Dec 10, 2009)

Be advised that she may well want very different things from the man she loves than she wants from total strangers.

It is good for her to be the person that she wants to be with you. If she does not want to be the "wanton" that you saw in those videos, you will only make her uncomfortable bringing it up.

If she is hiding the person that she wants to be because of shy/guilt/etc., then you might improve things by bringing it up.

My guess, it your marriage is as good as you say, let sleeping dogs lie.

Good luck.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

> I went through methodically cleaning out the junk and remnant files, old software, etc. I found a series of files I didn't recognize and opened them to see whether they could be deleted. They were IM chat logs of hers from before we met. I couldn't help but see that they were very explicit sexual encounters and web cam sex.


I'd encourage you to be upfront about it. You discovered it legitimately and you had an obligation to check each file (maybe not to view it in detail, but a lot can be gleaned from a quick 'scan' to see if it is something you can delete, as I tell my students!)

Because you have such a positive outlook on it, your openness will increase the intimacy between you. Stress that you are glad to have had the opportunity to learn more about her and you are excited to explore more sexually if she's still interested.

This is just one opinion, of course!


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## steve71 (Feb 5, 2010)

Alex, you've made me think again about what I said. I often forget that there are often very different protocols in US relationships than in my country. I do know US couples with quite pronounced areas of privacy within their relationships and it always surprises me. My own instinct is to try to give the whole man and hope to be given the whole woman - and I think in such elemental matters as sexuality I would find it hard to know something unsaid was lodged at the very core. But maybe that's just me and good luck to Alan whichever way he decides to handle things.



AlexNY said:


> Be advised that she may well want very different things from the man she loves than she wants from total strangers.
> 
> It is good for her to be the person that she wants to be with you. If she does not want to be the "wanton" that you saw in those videos, you will only make her uncomfortable bringing it up.
> 
> ...


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## WILLARD (Mar 11, 2010)

Greetings,

My firsts instinct was to ask you if you still have the files.....

However, on a serious note....you said fiance.....(and have no immediate plans to get married)...I hope.

This is a difficult one....as it seems your lady has a "dark side" as we all (you included) have. This brings up a few questions:

1 - Why the "second time around" for both of you?
2 - How much do you know about the lady's past?

Saying nothing will eat you up....

Time to come clean and put all the cards on the table. Otherwise, your future is built on quicksand.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

tell her you found the videos, but dont mention that you read anything. it would concern me that she never mentioned it. and i think it should concern you that she was doing it while being married.


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## SeattleAlan (Mar 11, 2010)

Thanks all for the good insight. It really helps to bring it into focus. 

Yes, it is second time around for both of us. I was married for 15 years - no kids, and we just went in different directions. My wife and I were one of those couples who everyone thought would be perfect together but never quite meshed. While we had lots of similar interests but we had completely different outlooks. Also, she lost interest in sex years ago - I later learned that she had felt attraction to other women for years and had burried it. She has not moved on to be with another woman, but basically has no interest in men beyond friendship. We parted on good terms.

My fiancee- I have known her for a number of years though not well until after her husband passed away I do have some good long time friends who have also been freinds of hers for years. Our social circles overlapped, but we never got to know each other well. I know from the files (both video and chat logs) that she always refused to meet up with any of the guys she was playing with online saying "I don't do that. I'm married" 

Her husband was a class-A jerk to her by all accounts - but a reasonablly good father. He played around several times on her and her intention was to divorce him when the kids were a bit older, but he passed away suddenly. She started the cybersex video and chat after she caught him the second or third time. Earlier chat files are plain vanilla with no sex or inuendo.

I'm not concerned that she was doing it while she was married (though maybe I should be...) as she was completely devalued by her husband. Even his friends say he treated her like dirt.


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## WILLARD (Mar 11, 2010)

Sounds as though you are committed to this relationship. Still think all the cards should be on the table. Yes, what she did BEFORE meeting you is sort of her business. That would have been the case if you never found the STUFF. Clear the slate. Better do it now that later. This will eat you alive. Best of luck. Let us know how the TALK turned out.


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## SeattleAlan (Mar 11, 2010)

Thank you all for your great insight, suggestions and advice. We had the discussion today - I had not planned to have it so soon and was going to try very hard to NOT make a big deal about it... However, we were having a great discussion about sex, truth, relationships, our future... All very positive- It was the perfect opportunity. 

So, out it came - less eloquent than I would have preferred, but there it was. She was at first horribly embarassed until she realized that i was OK with it. She said it was something she did for a time but felt it was just was not her. Kind of sexy at first, but she said that she just didn't feel good about and was the one thing in her life she was most embarassed by. From the file dates, the cam sex did only last a few months. She was afraid to tell me because she didn't want me to think any less of her or be freaked out.

Our discussion went on for several hours. Bottom line- We have a new understanding of each other, it opened all the secrets both of us had - nothing too deep and dark - but we now have a new openness and much greater understanding. I feel that there is nothing now that I can't say to her, tell her about or ask her about. She says that she feels the same. 

She really wants complete openness and even told me that if I wanted to read through all the files to go ahead and ask her about anything if I was the least bit concerned. I thought this was a very bold move but said that was not at all necessary. The files are now gone. 

It was probably the best thing that has happened for our relationship. So, thanks again to all-
Cheers-
Alan


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## steve71 (Feb 5, 2010)

Sounds like the perfect outcome to a very tricky situation


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