# Divorce is the hardest thing I have ever gone through-any support out there?



## anewstine (Mar 23, 2016)

My marriage hasn't been great for years, I often thought divorce would solve a lot of issues. Been together about 16 years, have a 5 year old son, and although things haven't been great especially the past couple years I insisted we go to counseling but he didn't show up half the time and then when our therapist told him he needed to start his own personal therapy as well he never did. I hung in there because of my son. My husband wasn't abusive per se, he did pick at a lot of things he felt I wasn't doing right (aka his way or the highway), and I felt unloved, not secure emotionally or financially (he has made some really bad choices while we've been together-and has never really understood why he does it or how it affects the family), unheard, and taken for granted. We didn't hate each other, we weren't throwing things or fighting but we weren't talking or anything else. I had given up on trying to make him go to counseling etc. so I checked out and he withdrew. I have tried everything I can think of that is in my control to help us but it has been like pulling him along like a dog that doesn't want to go for a walk. Then in January he confessed to cheating, a one night stand the week prior and then about 4 weeks later he said to me that he wasn't happy and that he wanted to divorce. Even though I have been the one that is wronged in my opinion he doesn't really see his responsibility in it all-he says that he thinks that he did do everything he could to make it work. We are still cohabitating while we work out some financial stuff (i.e. getting an equity loan to pay off credit card debt, refinancing my car loan) so he can move out. Yet when it comes to actually doing any of this, even though he wants it, he doesn't come home because he is too busy drinking with friends. He has agreed that my son and I can stay in our house for now and that he will move out. Rent is very expensive where I live so we have to do this all to make it work so he can move out. This past weekend I reached my breaking point. The pain, guilt of what I would be doing to my son etc. all got to me and I reached out and asked him if he thought we might be able to make it work if we put in the work. He was adamant that he didn't think we had a chance and that he still wanted to divorce. Although devastating I honestly think that I would do whatever I needed to do to keep our family together for my sons sake, while not taking care of myself at all and continuing to put everyone else first to keep the peace, so the universe is making my husband do it so that I don't have a choice in the matter. It's not that I don't think I won't be happier divorced its that I just feel so guilty about the effect this is going to have on my son, I am terrified about what my finances are going to look like, and the idea that my family will be no more and I will be a single mom. Divorce sucks! It is a death that is stigmatized, you feel like a failure, a loser, like you have no control over your own life and you are riddled with guilt. 
If anyone is reading this I want to thank you for taking the time. And any feedback about why my husband isn't following through even though he has asked for the divorce would be appreciated.


----------



## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

anewstine said:


> My marriage hasn't been great for years, I often thought divorce would solve a lot of issues. Been together about 16 years, have a 5 year old son, and although things haven't been great especially the past couple years I insisted we go to counseling but he didn't show up half the time and then when our therapist told him he needed to start his own personal therapy as well he never did. I hung in there because of my son. My husband wasn't abusive per se, he did pick at a lot of things he felt I wasn't doing right (aka his way or the highway), and I felt unloved, not secure emotionally or financially (he has made some really bad choices while we've been together-and has never really understood why he does it or how it affects the family), unheard, and taken for granted. We didn't hate each other, we weren't throwing things or fighting but we weren't talking or anything else. I had given up on trying to make him go to counseling etc. so I checked out and he withdrew. I have tried everything I can think of that is in my control to help us but it has been like pulling him along like a dog that doesn't want to go for a walk. Then in January he confessed to cheating, a one night stand the week prior and then about 4 weeks later he said to me that he wasn't happy and that he wanted to divorce. Even though I have been the one that is wronged in my opinion he doesn't really see his responsibility in it all-he says that he thinks that he did do everything he could to make it work. We are still cohabitating while we work out some financial stuff (i.e. getting an equity loan to pay off credit card debt, refinancing my car loan) so he can move out. Yet when it comes to actually doing any of this, even though he wants it, he doesn't come home because he is too busy drinking with friends. He has agreed that my son and I can stay in our house for now and that he will move out. Rent is very expensive where I live so we have to do this all to make it work so he can move out. This past weekend I reached my breaking point. The pain, guilt of what I would be doing to my son etc. all got to me and I reached out and asked him if he thought we might be able to make it work if we put in the work. He was adamant that he didn't think we had a chance and that he still wanted to divorce. Although devastating I honestly think that I would do whatever I needed to do to keep our family together for my sons sake, while not taking care of myself at all and continuing to put everyone else first to keep the peace, so the universe is making my husband do it so that I don't have a choice in the matter. It's not that I don't think I won't be happier divorced its that I just feel so guilty about the effect this is going to have on my son, I am terrified about what my finances are going to look like, and the idea that my family will be no more and I will be a single mom. Divorce sucks! It is a death that is stigmatized, you feel like a failure, a loser, like you have no control over your own life and you are riddled with guilt.
> If anyone is reading this I want to thank you for taking the time. And any feedback about why my husband isn't following through even though he has asked for the divorce would be appreciated.


I'm very sorry you are in the situation that you are in. Nobody wants to be here. Your spouse isn't following thru with filing probably because he realizes how much it's going to cost him. 

You have been married long enough to collect alimony depending on what state you live in, child support and dividing the assets all adds up to an expensive lesson. He also knows your not going anywhere, you would do anything to save the marriage so he has no incentive to change his behavior or file for divorce. 

You don't have to be riddled with guilt, he is/has wrecked the marriage and has no desire to repair it. You have no control right now because you have put it all in his hands.


----------



## anewstine (Mar 23, 2016)

Honcho
Thank you so much for your response. I can't tell you how much it means to me to have people get where I am coming from and provide support. It is honestly the only way that I am even remotely getting through any of this. So thank you.
I think you are totally right. He has always been able to rely on me, to my detriment and even though he told me that we have taken each other for granted I think that after all these years he takes for granted that I am the steady reliable...won't hurt a fly one. Right now he has the best of both worlds. He came home after hanging out with friends to find my son and I cuddling on the couch watching tv and he joined us like nothing was going on. I find it difficult to be around him and my son because it makes me think about the fact that our family is breaking apart and all my guilt and sadness bubbles up. I don't understand him and how this just isn't bone crushingly painful for him but when I confront him about that he just says that he is hurting too, that everything is going to be okay, and that he's just trying to keep the peace. He actually would probably stay living here indefinitely if I haven't made it a point that I would like him to move out. All I can say is that he is so clueless to what the reality of the divorce will be for him, and especially for my son. How he thinks everything is going to just be okay boggles my mind. 
Yes I'm in California so I will get spousal support/child support. I am lucky though. I have a good job and with the spousal/child support I can probably make it. We own our home and have some equity in it. Part of me just wants to sell and be done with it but rent is so expensive that it would be cheaper for me to stay in the house and try to make it. Plus my son is starting kindergarten in the fall, the school is in walking distance and that would be one more thing he gets pulled from him. I think right now it would be best for me to stay in the house for as long as possible even though that means I will have to rely on my husband. It's scary because although he has a good job as well and makes more than me he doesn't always make great decisions about finances and work.
I went to lunch with a good friend today and she pretty much said what you said in your last sentence. That he wrecked this, doesn't want to repair it and that he isn't taking responsibility for it. I need to lay that at his feet and not mine. I am trying really hard to hold onto that. You are so right but it is so hard. I have so much guilt about how this will affect my son but ultimately my guilt isn't going to make this situation any better for my son. I am trying to hold onto this thought as well. I guess I just need to start the process myself. It will be like every other thing in our marriage...I will have to take responsibility for it and get the ball rolling. I honestly don't know who I am married too.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

He is still cheating.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


----------



## emily882 (Mar 23, 2016)

Divorce IS DEFINITELY the hardest thing I've ever been through, I hear you. I recently also typed the words "Divorce sucks!" into a Facebook message about a week ago, just so you know someone else is feeling the exact same thing. Though my situation is completely different from yours (had to get restraining order against husband) and EVEN THOUGH my husband was definitely going to harm me if I stayed in marriage any longer.. I STILL THINK that getting a divorce is the HARDEST thing I've ever done. You can' imagine life without the other person -- after all, so far they've been your support system and a big part of your identity and your whole life. Possibly at times your husband seemed like your whole world. On his good days, the one person who was there for you. Anyway, just wanted to write a quick response to let you know you're not alone in feeling like this is a DIFFICULT and sometimes seemingly impossible process. (You've got to believe it's not impossible though, because that's the way you will be able to deal with it, make it through). If it helps at all for you to know this, i'm only a month and a half into the process and I already (depending on the day) feel a tiny bit better than I did at the very start, when I thought I wouldn't be able to do it (to stand on my own two feet, or be alone). Seeing a therapist can help you better deal with specific problems you're facing, if you're interested in that type of thing. Wishing you the best.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I'm sorry. Divorce is definitely tough. 

When I ended my 45 year marriage, it was scary but I felt it was the right thing and I never looked back. Three years later, I'm at peace with my life and happy. You will be too. 

PS
When my ex-husband first cheated several decades ago, my son was just entering his teenage years. I stayed because I didn't want our family broken up. My son has since said he would have much preferred I had gotten out then. He feels I shouldn't have worried about him at the expense of myself and that I should have trusted that he would have adjusted just fine. I wish I had too.


----------



## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Have you spoken to a lawyer yet? If not I would encourage you to do so and learn your legal rights. In very general terms California is one of the worst states for the higher wager earner in a marriage and extremely generous in alimony in the country, 

Take some time and read up on the 180, it will help you gain some emotional distance from him which you need right now. When people of both genders get like your husband is acting right now for all the proclamations of wanting a divorce rarely are the ones who do the actual effort to file. They kind of keep spouses "on hold" thinking the spouse will never file and they can still go out, party, continue affairs etc.

Your allowing the behavior to continue so why we he want to change? As fareside said his affair is probably more than what he admitted to, is either still going on or he is out playing the field looking for a new conquest. 

Divorce isn't fun, it's natural to have the feelings of failure and loss especially in the beginning but hanging around in limbo land just prolongs those feelings. The more you start to control your own destiny and empower yourself the quicker your self esteem will return and the more you will realize he isn't "the prize".


----------



## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

Sorry that you are here, divorce is not something that I wish on anyone. It was a miserable experience that I hope to never have to go through again. The emotions, legal, and other things that you have to go through at the same time can get a little overwhelming at times.

Don't feel like a failure, this is all not just because of you. Your stbx husband sounds like he carries a good chunk of responsibility in all that is happening. It is to bad that he cannot see what his actions have caused and that he could make positive changes.

The silver lining of divorce was multiple layered for me. One of the biggest was that my kids turned out pretty well. Both are straight A students, involved, and caring individuals. I could not be more proud of them and the things they accomplish.

The other layer for me was that the divorce made me realize that I needed to make changes to myself and deal with situations differently than I did in the past. Did a lot of reading and introspection on my life and my marriage. I have worked to make myself a better person, both for me and my significant other.

Keep on posting here, there are a lot of us that have been where you are. We can answer questions or just listen to you vent.

P.S. The reason your husband has no desire to reconcile is because he is most likely seeing the new woman.


----------



## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I can relate to what you are going thru and have dealt with. Your husband has been emotionally unavailable, caught up in his own world and his own desires. No doubt you have talked many times and you have told him how you feel and what you need from him and perhaps he might try by giving you a bouquet of flowers or a nice bracelet for your birthday and then he is back to himself. Of course he feels he tried, he bought the bouquet of flowers!!!! He remained in the room with you even though you might not have talked....guys like this look at the world thru different eyes. If you were to dig into his past he more than likely has been like this with every woman he has had a relationship, very likely an example of what a man should be like given to him by his father.

My first husband and I divorced when my daughters were 1 & 6, my husband was having an affair. He was unemployed at the time so the courts granted me only $50 a month per child for child support (this was in 1997) with a clause that indicated my child support could be raised when he became employed. I took that to the state twice when my ex was making some real good money and it was never changed. he would not even pay the child support so he ended up on the dead-beat dad list and the state went after him. He left me with a pile of bills. I did not want to be a welfare mom yet I knew I could not make it working a job 8 hours a day at minimum wage. So I became a self-employed housekeeper, cleaning normally 2 houses a day, working 6 hours a day. I had the skill of being a piano instructor so i taught a few lessons in the afternoons and I found a couple offices that needed someone to clean for them on the weekends. I paid off all those bills with out help and I raised my children without child support. I did it and so can you, do not fear!!!!!

Conquer your fears!!!! I so get it. What will happen if your husband decides he does want to stop the affair and he wants to work things out? Do you really think he can be a different man than he has been up to this point? Really think about that! We want that, we are hopeful but where in the years that you have been with him has he shown you that he is capable? Your son will grow up believing the disconnection between married couples is how marriage looks like. he will also see how your husband does his own thing without any regard to you or your feelings and he will believe this is the way to treat the women in his life. Do you want that? Do you want to remain miserable for the sake of saving your child pain? Is that fair to you? Is that fair to him?

Are you seeing a counselor right now? Do seek one, a good one!!! 

I am currently going thru another divorce, married to my second husband for 24 years. He and I had one child, he raised my older daughters and I raised his sons. My husband is passive-aggressive, emotionally unavailable, always caught up in his own little world....porn, other women, emotional affairs, constantly eyeing the other women....he has been so caught up with other women, taking his emotional affair lady to lunch, walking across the parking lot where he worked not knowing I was in the building and saw it all. When I would ask him he would deny what I saw, deny his feelings but I knew he was lying. He also lied about the pron use....his son found files hidden on the computer, my middle daughter walked in on him while he was viewing a strip show in the middle of the day with 3 kids in the house (I was gone at the time) and our 3 year old was awake and in the room. We went to counseling, he admitted he was a porn addict, we took the steps the counselor suggested but it was a matter of time and he was back to old habits. He he could have a relationship with me the porn would be a different issue but porn has been his go to for satisfaction....I have been the one to pursue him and this was happening even before we married. I asked him many times and he always had an excuse. What I have learned is that this is typical behavior of a passive-aggressive. They have to have that person to take on their responsibility and that person is not just responsible for the home and kids , that person is responsibility for the relationship and that person is the person he will blame when you do not please him but oh, let's not talk and let's deny everything you see. He will remain calm while you are getting frustrated as heck because the whole relationship is a mess. If any of that sounds familiar you are best to get out now and consider yourself fortunate. Men like this cannot change.

You are not to blame for your husband's affair. This is a reflection of who he is, you have to be able to see it that way. He does not sound like the type that can say to you, "I screwed up, I am sorry I hurt you, I love you and I want to make our marriage work. I will contact a counselor today." No, he wants to blame you, he wants to believe he had reason, he does not feel remorse, and he is not going to seek counseling on his own. Why would you want to stay? Is it really worth it to keep your son from having divorced parents? And if you were to get back together how many more years down the road would you be going thru the very same thing?

If you do not have a career that will support you and your son it is possible in most states for you to receive at least short time alimony and I would request that on top of child support and in the meantime find a way that you can make it work for you financially. Cleaning houses takes little skill, except to make the family happy....I cleaned windows, ironed clothes, even did laundry and I made alot more than I could flipping burgers somewhere.


----------



## anewstine (Mar 23, 2016)

AVR1962
Everything you described is right on about how he is/things are. Your first paragraph was like you knew my situation exactly. Thank you so much for your response. It's so nice to know that you aren't alone and that someone gets it.
I am fortunate...I have a career and a good stable job although he makes more than I do so he will have to pay me spousal and child support more than likely. He just hasn't always been consistent with work and finances so relying on him to be stable financially so that I can remain stable worries me. I know in my heart of hearts that I will be able to do this, to make this work. Shoot I've had to be resourceful over the years to keep our lives together. Doing it for myself should be easier I guess but the unknown scares the crap out of me.
I do have a therapist and I am going to start seeing her regularly again on Monday (she hurt herself right after this happened so she hasn't been able to see clients-go figure). I also went to see my doctor this morning and got my anti-depressants increased and zanax to help me when it gets really bad. I am hoping that this helps at least a little. 
You are so right as well about what my son will learn from him and about what marriage is. There is a little voice in my head that keeps telling me that. I don't know what I am more sad and distressed about...the marriage breaking up or how it is going to hurt my son (probably how it is going to hurt my son). I feel so guilty for what we are about to put him through. So much so that it often makes me feel an unbearable pain. This is not what I envisioned for his life. I had such a screwed up childhood and I never want my child to hurt like I did. I keep telling myself that it is out of my control, that these are choices he is making and that there is nothing I can do about it. I just hope I start to believe it soon!
You are also so right about the fact that he thinks I should take responsibility for the relationship, the house, everything. He acts like somehow this all just happened mysteriously and yes you are right he totally thinks that "he tried" because he came to a counseling session, picked up our son, or gave him a bath. He has said to me more than once "what do you want, its not like I beat you or anything." He has totally learned this behavior from his father. He is exactly like him to a certain extent. His father has made very poor choices financially and takes no responsibility for anything even now. It is always someone else's fault. His mother isn't much better. There are 6 kids in his family and she told his sister once that her kids should take care of them. Honestly most of them have had a hard time taking care of their own selves and children. Because they act just like their parents. The only reason my husb is any different than his siblings is because he hitched his wagon to me and I have been the one to work my butt off over the years for everything we have today. Without me we wouldn't have most of what we have now. But of course he doesn't see it that way. 
You are also right about "how many years down the road". I have thought about that. Do I wanta be doing this when I am 10 years older? Heck no! And that's probably what would happen because I have wanted him to change for 15 years and nothing has changed his behavior, maybe temporarily, but nothing consistent and I have tried to do everything that I am in control of to do that. I know that I need to do this for me and my son, it just hurts so badly that at times it is so unbearable that I want it to just end. One of the few things that is keeping me together, small sliver by sliver building me up so I can be stronger, and giving me the smallest flicker of hope is the support I am getting here. THANK YOU so much for taking the time to write and I am sorry that you are having to go through the pain of divorce a second time. Please reply again...I would love to chat more.


----------



## anewstine (Mar 23, 2016)

C3156
Thank you so much for your response. In my heart of hearts I do feel that my son will be okay (I worry that he won't-not necessarily rational fact based worry though), especially because I know I will do whatever it takes to make sure that he gets what he needs, unlike my stbx. How old were your kids when you divorced? I feel like it is better to do it now while he is young then wait and do it when he is older-would be harder on him I think. I work with so many successful males that come from single parent homes that I know that if I do it right he will turn out okay. I just feel like I failed him. I couldn't provide the family that he wants or needs. BUT I need to stop taking responsibility for all this. My stbx is the one that cheated and won't put the time in. I am trying to focus my energy on taking care of myself and my son and saying over and over that this isn't on me.
I don't know what I think about the not wanting to reconcile and the other woman. I have asked him over and over again if there is someone else and you would think that if he came clean about it the first time that he would now. Plus I can usually tell when he is holding back/lying. But I have been wrapped up in my own sadness and grief so I am not sure if I could tell right now. No matter what I think, he is seeing someone or he is not, it really doesn't change anything for me...it would just hurt more so maybe its better that I don't know. What I know is that he doesn't want to try and therefore we will divorce and although I would rather be in physical pain then what i am going through now I need to do my best to accept that this is happening and work through the pain. If I can do that I think I will be okay. But I couldn't even begin to do that if it weren't for people like you providing me support. Thank you!


----------



## anewstine (Mar 23, 2016)

Emily882
Thank you so much for your response. I too can see small glimmers of hope from time to time. It truly sucks though doesn't it. Because I will feel a little glimmer of hope and then I will get hit by the grief train without warning. I am finding it hard to cope sometimes but I am trying to be okay with the fact that I feel horrible and I need to take it one day, even one hour, at a time.
I am so sorry that you are going through this too...especially with your situation. I would not wish any of this on my worst enemy and it gives me a new appreciation for why people stay/why I might stay.
It is sooooo hard to imagine my life without him...you are right. Even though I wasn't getting what I needed it still is hard. I gave so much of myself to him, our relationship etc. that I don't even know who I am anymore.
I am seeing a therapist but not starting up regularly with her until next week. She injured herself right after all this started so she hasn't been seeing clients but will be again next week. I think once I can start to see her again that will help.
Thank you for your support!


----------



## anewstine (Mar 23, 2016)

Openminded
Thanks so much for your support. Its good to hear that children can be supportive of divorce. Mine is 5 and its going to be hard for him to understand but I know that I will do everything in my power to get him everything he needs to feel safe and loved. 
Its just so hard to feel like you are going to be responsible for your childs pain. This is what is killing me inside. But I need to work, and I am trying-its just hard, on letting go of the responsibility for what is happening. I don't have control over what my stbx has or hasn't done. I know that I have done everything in my power to make this work...he is the one that hasn't and I can't control that (this is very hard for me-I am a total control freak).
Thank you for talking about the peace you are feeling. This gives me so much hope for the future!


----------



## anewstine (Mar 23, 2016)

Honcho
So my stbx and I are continuing to see our couples therapist. She has done a lot of work with divorced couples, is willing to work with us (i.e. advise what to do next etc.) and she has suggested that we try to go through mediation first. Because of this I haven't talked to a lawyer. I will definitely at some point to make sure that whatever we agree too supports my rights etc. And I am trying to get referrals so that in case I need one I have one to call. Do you think there are other reasons I should talk to a lawyer right now?
I looked up the 180 as you suggested and I think you are right. I need to move forward with things-can't wait for him. I don't know if I can do everything that is on the list yet, i.e. be cheerful, no matter what only show them happiness and contentment. This is going to be hard but I think putting some space like it suggests between us will help and it will ultimately make me feel better because I am doing something and I am doing something that I am in control of.
It is hard but I am going to try to empower myself and get the ball rolling because my brain knows your right, its the pain in my heart that isn't convinced, that I need to take my power back, let him take responsibility for his actions and move on with my life. Thank you for your support.


----------



## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

anewstine said:


> AVR1962
> Everything you described is right on about how he is/things are. Your first paragraph was like you knew my situation exactly. Thank you so much for your response. It's so nice to know that you aren't alone and that someone gets it.
> I am fortunate...I have a career and a good stable job although he makes more than I do so he will have to pay me spousal and child support more than likely. He just hasn't always been consistent with work and finances so relying on him to be stable financially so that I can remain stable worries me. I know in my heart of hearts that I will be able to do this, to make this work. Shoot I've had to be resourceful over the years to keep our lives together. Doing it for myself should be easier I guess but the unknown scares the crap out of me.
> I do have a therapist and I am going to start seeing her regularly again on Monday (she hurt herself right after this happened so she hasn't been able to see clients-go figure). I also went to see my doctor this morning and got my anti-depressants increased and zanax to help me when it gets really bad. I am hoping that this helps at least a little.
> ...


Glad I could help. Lady I have been down this road. I passed up the red flags and made excuses for my husband. I was compassionate and thought I could help. This man did not want help, he just wanted me to accept him the way he was but the way he was/is was not healthy for the 2 sons he was raising. At first i saw that he seemed wiling to give up the porn but once those wedding vows were said it was done. he accomplished his goals and that was to win and now everything was up to me and he could go on acting like a bachelor. nothing has ever changed. I knew by the time we had our first anniversary that I had made a mistake. At year 4 we talked and both agreed we were heading to divorce but we had blended two families, we had both been divorced previously and both had custody of all four children. We didn't wan to put the children thru another divorce so we had one of our own. 

Things only got worse after our daughter was born. He had his second emotional affair when I was pg. I remember taking our daughter into his office for everyone to see her for the first time and this lady was sitting on my husband's desk. Talk about a blow to my self-esteem!!! 

When she was 3 and was caught by my older daughter viewing a strip show online with our 3 year old in the room I demanded counseling. At that point though I had already taken a step out the door, meaning I had become cautious and knew I could no longer trust this man. I wanted us to resolve issues, I wanted him to get help and actually become involved in the marriage rather than other women but that was never to be. I could see this and I remained for 16 years in marriage with one foot out the door, trying but being careful. This is no way to live.

One of my fears was that he would try to take full custody of our daughter. He did this to his first wife. She is now 19, in college, working and do a great job at becoming independent and so I feel now I can exit. 

The marriage has been a dead end and I should have left it long ago, fears kept me in it and that is not the right reason to be in a marriage.

I wish you the best with the counseling and finding your way out of this. Your son will be fine. he has you and if his dad wants to be a part of his life, which he should be, then great. Don't beat yourself up with the thought of leaving your son's dad. Right now I think you need to concentrate on what is good for you. Finding your happiness is better for your son than staying in a marriage that makes you bitter, angry, depressed and hurt.


----------



## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

anewstine said:


> My marriage hasn't been great for years, I often thought divorce would solve a lot of issues. Been together about 16 years, have a 5 year old son, and although things haven't been great especially the past couple years I insisted we go to counseling but he didn't show up half the time and then when our therapist told him he needed to start his own personal therapy as well he never did. I hung in there because of my son. My husband wasn't abusive per se, he did pick at a lot of things he felt I wasn't doing right (aka his way or the highway), and I felt unloved, not secure emotionally or financially (he has made some really bad choices while we've been together-and has never really understood why he does it or how it affects the family), unheard, and taken for granted. We didn't hate each other, we weren't throwing things or fighting but we weren't talking or anything else. I had given up on trying to make him go to counseling etc. so I checked out and he withdrew. I have tried everything I can think of that is in my control to help us but it has been like pulling him along like a dog that doesn't want to go for a walk. Then in January he confessed to cheating, a one night stand the week prior and then about 4 weeks later he said to me that he wasn't happy and that he wanted to divorce. Even though I have been the one that is wronged in my opinion he doesn't really see his responsibility in it all-he says that he thinks that he did do everything he could to make it work. We are still cohabitating while we work out some financial stuff (i.e. getting an equity loan to pay off credit card debt, refinancing my car loan) so he can move out. Yet when it comes to actually doing any of this, even though he wants it, he doesn't come home because he is too busy drinking with friends. He has agreed that my son and I can stay in our house for now and that he will move out. Rent is very expensive where I live so we have to do this all to make it work so he can move out. This past weekend I reached my breaking point. The pain, guilt of what I would be doing to my son etc. all got to me and I reached out and asked him if he thought we might be able to make it work if we put in the work. He was adamant that he didn't think we had a chance and that he still wanted to divorce. Although devastating I honestly think that I would do whatever I needed to do to keep our family together for my sons sake, while not taking care of myself at all and continuing to put everyone else first to keep the peace, so the universe is making my husband do it so that I don't have a choice in the matter. It's not that I don't think I won't be happier divorced its that I just feel so guilty about the effect this is going to have on my son, I am terrified about what my finances are going to look like, and the idea that my family will be no more and I will be a single mom. Divorce sucks! It is a death that is stigmatized, you feel like a failure, a loser, like you have no control over your own life and you are riddled with guilt.
> If anyone is reading this I want to thank you for taking the time. And any feedback about why my husband isn't following through even though he has asked for the divorce would be appreciated.


I mentioned on my own thread on here that is was harder than I had expected. Even once it was finalized, I expected relief, but instead fell into a slump for a few months. This is even with a comfortable lifestyle, yoga, exercise and friends. 

Eventually, I came through. Eventually, so will you. 

I wish you all the best I can.


----------



## anewstine (Mar 23, 2016)

AVR1962
Sometimes I don't know who I am more angry at about the situation, him or me. Why do we pass up red flags and put up with all this crap? We got together pretty young and were married a little over a year after we got together. So I can say that I certainly have changed a lot in the past 15 years plus. And I think this is part of his problem. I started to not take care of so much especially once my son was born. It literally just became too much and at this point I had been in therapy and had actually started to think I deserved better (our couples therapist just told me this a couple weeks ago as well). If I didn't have a child with him then I don't think this would be so heart wrenching but you and everyone around me keeps telling me the same thing...that my son will be okay and that although this is hard it will be better for us both in the long run. If I am the stability in my young sons life then I need to take care of myself and be at my best so I can take care of him in the best way. Many people have posted that the reason he doesn't want to work it out is because he is either playing the field or seeing someone. He tells me he isn't but at this point I don't believe anything he says really. I honestly don't want to know. I don't need to know. It won't make a difference. It will only cause me more pain so I am going to leave that alone. I like the idea of pouring my energy and concentration into what is good for me. I am really going to take that to heart and try to concentrate on that instead of all his crap and obsessing about all the things that will change, fears etc. I don't want to be bitter, angry or depressed anymore and that's what I had resigned to being for along time. Not engaging with my son...just checked out. One silver lining is that I have been doing more quality things with him because I don't feel like I have a weight around my neck...I just wish the pain in my heart would go. Even though I don't completely believe it yet I just keep trying to convince myself that I can make it through this and that it will be okay. I am going to try my best to hold onto this anyway. 
I am sorry that you are going through these trials as well. Please let me know if you need to vent etc. I think we all can use all the support we can get.


----------



## anewstine (Mar 23, 2016)

Mr The Other
Thank you so much for your response. I feel like I can't hear the words "you will get through this" enough. It provides that small glimmer of hope that I can do this and be okay. Thank you


----------



## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

anewstine said:


> Mr The Other
> Thank you so much for your response. I feel like I can't hear the words "you will get through this" enough. It provides that small glimmer of hope that I can do this and be okay. Thank you


Then I will write them again, you will get through this. But like most things in life, what is worth it still takes struggle to achieve. I do not know of anyone who would say the happiness at the end is not worth it, it is.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It's true that after divorce there is an adjustment period for children and it's difficult to live through (I saw it with my grandchildren when their mother divorced my son because she wanted to live the single life). But it's also difficult to live through decades of your parents not divorcing when your mother stayed with your father (who cheated) because she didn't want to destroy your world and you see the dysfunction. That's what my mother did when my father cheated and I, in turn, repeated that when my husband cheated. 

The difference between my mother and me? I'm at peace with my life since my divorce and my mother never was because she remained in a very long and unhappy marriage -- exactly the length of time mine was -- until she died. That's no way to live.


----------



## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

anewstine said:


> AVR1962
> Sometimes I don't know who I am more angry at about the situation, him or me. Why do we pass up red flags and put up with all this crap? We got together pretty young and were married a little over a year after we got together. So I can say that I certainly have changed a lot in the past 15 years plus. And I think this is part of his problem. I started to not take care of so much especially once my son was born. It literally just became too much and at this point I had been in therapy and had actually started to think I deserved better (our couples therapist just told me this a couple weeks ago as well). If I didn't have a child with him then I don't think this would be so heart wrenching but you and everyone around me keeps telling me the same thing...that my son will be okay and that although this is hard it will be better for us both in the long run. If I am the stability in my young sons life then I need to take care of myself and be at my best so I can take care of him in the best way. Many people have posted that the reason he doesn't want to work it out is because he is either playing the field or seeing someone. He tells me he isn't but at this point I don't believe anything he says really. I honestly don't want to know. I don't need to know. It won't make a difference. It will only cause me more pain so I am going to leave that alone. I like the idea of pouring my energy and concentration into what is good for me. I am really going to take that to heart and try to concentrate on that instead of all his crap and obsessing about all the things that will change, fears etc. I don't want to be bitter, angry or depressed anymore and that's what I had resigned to being for along time. Not engaging with my son...just checked out. One silver lining is that I have been doing more quality things with him because I don't feel like I have a weight around my neck...I just wish the pain in my heart would go. Even though I don't completely believe it yet I just keep trying to convince myself that I can make it through this and that it will be okay. I am going to try my best to hold onto this anyway.
> I am sorry that you are going through these trials as well. Please let me know if you need to vent etc. I think we all can use all the support we can get.


It sounds like you are doing like I did for many years. I knew in my heart that my husband was up to his old tricks and I would ask from time to time and he always reassured me he was not but there was always this distance. I think when a man does not go to his wife for sex something is certainly up. Rather than press the issue to get an answer I didn't want to hear I would focus on me, my career, my children, the house, I did lots of yard work, took walks with my dogs, spent time with friends. Those things did make me feel better about me but the relationship between my husband and I never grew and there was always this tension of feeling like I knew what he was doing, feeling rather wounded too that he preferred going to porn rather than trying to have a relationship with me.

Living like this is very lonely as that person you are supposed to be able to depend on is not available to you. the person you should be able to connect to intimately is engaging with other women and after awhile the only touching you get from this man is thru sex and that also is not a good feeling. At least for me I felt like I was nothing but a cook, nanny and housekeeper. 

Like you, I did not want to tear apart my family so I kept those blinders on to what i had a gut feeling he was doing and kept my focus. This is no way to live. As much as you want to fight that depression and get yourself back to where you want to be for yourself, this other garbage nags at you in the background. It is not loving, it is not mutual, there is no sharing. You live day to day with rejection. Think about that!!!!!! once I realized this I knew I could no longer continue this route.

We still have one child at home and breaking this family up has been the hardest part for me. I no longer love my husband, cannot hardly stand to be around him anymore. I know he will not change, we've been together 27 years and had lots of counseling and he is still that same man hooked on other women while he ignores me completely. I am in my mid 50's now and realize how much good intention was wasted to this man who didn't care. I could have had a loving caring, mutually loving relationship with a man who actually wants to be in my life and I chose this.

You have to take a good look at the whys here. I have been in counseling now for over 4 years. I understand what made me who I am and how I got here. Why do we ignore those red flags? For various reasons and you have to go back to that and ask yourself what was going on in your head when you saw the warning signs. Is it possible you are codependent? 

Our brains can really deny what we don't want to see and that is not a good part our brain is capable of. I had come out of an abusive relationship, my first husband was a sex addict, wanted to have 3-somes which I refused. he would have physical tantrums if 3 days would go by and we had not had sex, he would threaten that he was going to look elsewhere and then he would leave the house. I wanted to find someone that was "safe." My second husband did not come onto me, he claimed he had no history of cheating on his wife, didn't date in high school claiming girls didn't like him, had sole custody of his two small sons and claimed his wife left them with him, he owned his home and had a career. My first husband could not hold a job and we were forever without money and food. He was intelligent, he loved to crack jokes. All of this would turn around with time and when it did I felt lied to and tricked.

Things were not making sense so I kept asking questions and with time and put it all together. In many ways he is a honest man with good values but then there is this side of him that is rather twisted. His wife didn't just up and leave her two sons behind. He told me she had been having an affair so I felt some kind of kinship with him as my husband did have an affair but with more questions I found out there was no affair. 

He had been going out drinking with the guys and would not call home to tell his first wife what he was doing. She was not quite the communicator I am and so rather than talk this out she made her friends and decided to go out with them just like he was doing and well my husband did not like this. he is a jealous type even though he will not show that. He demanded that she be home one night by _______ time and she did not. He locked her out and would not let her back in. He then contacted an attorney, filed for full custody of the boys. She had nothing, no car, no savings, had only just started a minimum wage job....the boys were 2 & 4. She tried to take a couple things from the home and he demanded them back. The only thing she had when she left that marriage were her clothes. I later got to know her a little, enough to ask some questions, there was never an affair. My husband was the one trying to create rondevous with other women, he had boxes of porn mags, was subscribed to the Playboy channel.

Once the divorce was finalized he asked his sister to take the boys during the week, his wife had left town and moved back in with her mom. She only lived 20-30 minutes up the road but that is where they lived during the week and the reasoning was his work. The only time he saw the boys was on the weekend. What was he doing during the week? Drinking with his drinking buddies from work.

I stepped into a land mine and had not even been aware of it.

My husband would not speak to his exwife, refused on the basis that he was angry at her....after 3 years? That's when I met him. I really felt she had wounded him. His family and friends all supported him, said it was best for the boys that my husband had them. I believed it all and I supported my husband. I believed and supported a lie and then he turned around and did the same to me.

Why did he do all this? Control. I think in my husband's twisted thinking his wife had to "pay" for having her own life and had to "pay" for not following his orders as he commanded her so his punishment to her was to lock her out, take her sons away from her and never speak to her again.

My husband is the worst worst communicator....one of my counselors felt he might be a highly functioning aspergers (or it could just very well be very established passive-aggressive behavior). Anyone that gets close to him like a wife is the person responsibility to make him happy with no words said and if you do not make him happy you will pay the price.


----------



## anewstine (Mar 23, 2016)

Mr The Other
I am truly holding onto that. One theme I see for people starting to go through this is the pain and suffering and feeling like its never going to get better. Another theme for people that have gone through it seems to be that it does get better, you will be happier, its the right thing to do, and that I will be happy that I did it. 
I just keep telling myself that although I don't see it yet I will get there. Thank you for your words of encouragement...you have no idea how much I appreciate and need people to say things like you have said. It is the only way I am going to get through this. So thank you again.


----------



## anewstine (Mar 23, 2016)

Openminded
I know you are right. I am just struggling to get to the point where I can see feeling better about this whole situation and coming to peace with how my son will be. I think that this might happen once my stbx moves out and we actually rip the bandaid off and tell him. I really am not sure how he will react. My stbx just keeps saying he is going to be fine but thats because he doesn't/can't take responsibility for anything. He just wants to believe its going to be okay because the alternative would mean that he would have to maybe feel something about it. I know that in the end this is what I need to do it just feels so wrong to do anything that would cause my son pain. I guess I need to think about the fact that I wouldn't let him eat candy for breakfast because I know it isn't good for him. Its going to upset him now but in the long run its whats best for him. I know this is a very simplistic example but I am sure that you get the idea.
Thank you for your response. Getting support here is what is keeping me sane and my eyes pointed to the future.


----------



## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

I'm in the middle of a divorce and have a 5 and 3 y/o. I totally get how feel about changing everything they know. But in my marriage, we acted like roommates. No intimacy, no kissing, no sex for 4 years. Hell, not even roommates, since roommates talk and have fun together (usually). I knew I had to look out for myself and show my kids what a real relationship looks like. As long as their mom and dad are in their lives, they will be just fine. There are some good books on amazon that are for children that describe what a divorce is and reinforce that it wasn't their fault. The worst thing you can do is fight with your ex around the kids and talk bad about him. Make sure you and family/friends don't bad mouth their dad when your kids are around. Make sure he does the same for you. 

Living in a loveless marriage just because of your kids is a cop out. But so many people do it and I feel really sorry for them.


----------



## anewstine (Mar 23, 2016)

AVR1962
Yes I have been doing it for years and it has just progressively gotten worse, especially once my son was born and he ceased to be the center of my attention/and I stopped doing EVERYTHING. And by this point I had been in therapy for a while and had started to discover my own self worth. It is so strange because a switch seemed to just get flicked by him right after Christmas and although things weren't great before I never thought that he would make some of the choices he has been lately. Not so much towards me because that has already been bad but towards my son. I.E. he told me last night that "I know its horrible but my buddies are going to San Diego this weekend and I am going to go" instead of spending Easter with his son. Didn't ask if I needed anything for his basket...nothing. No concern for what it may or may not do to him. The one thing that I am holding onto right now is he does feel some guilt I think and so I am trying to use that to get what I feel my son and I need to be secure for the future. I just have to be smart about it all which is sometimes hard when you are in the throws of it all emotionally.
Yes my husband is a horrible communicator. He always has said "we" are horrible communicators, but it really is him. He doesn't see it...won't take responsibility of course. I am finally realizing why this happened to me. I am an empath and he has narcissistic personality traits(I don't know if he has the full on personality disorder but if he doesn't he is damn close). I have read many articles about it and it is crazy how much we fit the pattern and how much more sense some of the things that have happened make. And I totally think that I am a codependent. I actually am going to start to go to codependent anonymous meetings in my area. I feel like if anything it is a another line of support, that it can help me to have healthier relationships and it is another thing that will keep me occupied and out of my head. Breaking up my family is the worst part of all this I agree. Secondly the feelings of failure, grief, and fear because so many things are going to change so drastically. I know I can make it through this...I just don't quite believe it yet.
Thank you for responding. Having support is the only way I am even getting up in the morning.


----------



## anewstine (Mar 23, 2016)

GuyInColorado
That is pretty much what my stbx and I did for the past year or so, lived like roommates. We would come home and just go to our separate areas and not even really talk. So I get that. And yes you are right. Is this how I want my son to see marriage/relationships? Is this how I want him to treat his future spouse? No way. I never want him to have to go through anything like this ever again. It is just that this whole situation is SO PAINFUL. It feels so wrong to do something that causes your child pain and I realize that this isn't realistic, that my child will never be in pain, it just feels horrible. And I think that's where the cop out, for me anyway, comes in. I would do anything to make sure my son is happy and healthy. I guess I need to see this as making sure he is happy and healthy...its just not the happy and healthy I thought it was going to be. How have your kids adjusted/are adjusting? How do you do custody? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.


----------



## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

I am sorry that you are going through this, I wished I had some words of wisdom... My wife and I have only been together for 5 years and she has filed for divorce. We've had our problems but I have stood with her through all kinds of trouble, including her burying her brother. I begged for marriage counseling, she refused. Then she told me she is seeing someone else, someone she had hated-her supervisor! Now they are cozy... This <several dirty words> animal never stayed true to his wife-he messed around on her with a girlfriend, then cheated on the girlfriend with a coworker! The coworker that my wife replaced when the coworker got promoted!!! OMG, this sounds like such a damned soap opera. So I have had my heart run through a blender, I feel so lost and hurt and betrayed and angry and hurt. I guess this is a long winded way of saying I feel you. I can't even cry any more.


----------



## anewstine (Mar 23, 2016)

WhyMe66
I am so sorry that you are going through this too. I just don't understand how someone who claims to love you just all of the sudden changes so drastically. You sound like you have been the same type of spouse I have. Supportive, willing to do what it takes, and committed. And my stbx has no regard for how this will affect my son. I am so angry. Do you have kids together?
All I can think is that our spouses have gone a little nuts. Who in their right mind would get together with someone who they know has screwed over so many other women? Does she think that somehow its going to be different for her? I just don't get their thought process. Its not normal, rational or healthy. And here we are taking the whole brunt of their stupid selfish choices. Can you tell I am angry
Thank you for your response. Support from others is my only solace right now...the only thing getting me out of bed...besides my son. Unfortunately I can't seem to stop crying. 
I totally get when you say that you feel hurt and betrayed and especially lost. Its so bad and sudden that I feel like at any moment I am going to wake up from this bad dream. I am so not a person that would do something like this to someone I love. Shoot I wouldn't even do it to someone I didn't love/like. I often think...who the heck did I marry and what does that say about me.


----------



## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

I share your anger. I loved her and married her. We were working on things and then all of the sudden she is copulating with this animal from her job and telling me "I don't think I love you anymore." He is a serial cheat, cheated on his wife with a mistress then cheated on the mistress with a GF, divorced his wife to move in with the GF and she wised up and dumped him! He remarried his wife and is now cheating on her with mine...

We don't have kids together but my daughter gave us two beautiful grand-babies. THAT is going to be tough... MY stbx is a fantastic Oma, I doubt that my daughter will let her see them though. I am so thankful that I found this website! Much better than sitting in a room with uncomfortable chairs, stale donuts and over cooked coffee waiting to take turns spilling our guts.


----------



## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

anewstine said:


> WhyMe66
> I am so sorry that you are going through this too. I just don't understand how someone who claims to love you just all of the sudden changes so drastically.


They don't change drastically. It's always a part of their personality that normal human blameshifting eventually gives them "permission" to express.

It's actually quite immature.

But, try explaining "that".


----------



## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

anewstine said:


> WhyMe66
> I am so sorry that you are going through this too. I just don't understand how someone who claims to love you just all of the sudden changes so drastically. You sound like you have been the same type of spouse I have. Supportive, willing to do what it takes, and committed. And my stbx has no regard for how this will affect my son. I am so angry. Do you have kids together?
> All I can think is that our spouses have gone a little nuts. Who in their right mind would get together with someone who they know has screwed over so many other women? Does she think that somehow its going to be different for her? I just don't get their thought process. Its not normal, rational or healthy. And here we are taking the whole brunt of their stupid selfish choices. Can you tell I am angry
> Thank you for your response. Support from others is my only solace right now...the only thing getting me out of bed...besides my son. Unfortunately I can't seem to stop crying.
> I totally get when you say that you feel hurt and betrayed and especially lost. Its so bad and sudden that I feel like at any moment I am going to wake up from this bad dream. I am so not a person that would do something like this to someone I love. Shoot I wouldn't even do it to someone I didn't love/like. I often think...who the heck did I marry and what does that say about me.


AnewStine and WhyMe66, have you either heard of Borderline Personality Disorder? I don't know know either of your situations enough to make a call but one thing that stood out in your post here is that this seemed sudden to you and in your situations your wives turned quickly. Is it because you were not ever really aware of what your wife was feeling? Or was there some behavior like this with other people in her life? Is it typical for her to just cut out someone because of some offense and not speak to them? 

BPDs idolize and cherish someone, they tend to be emotionally needy. They will be someone best friend but then something happens and they always have an excuse for why they cut someone out of their life but it might not be in reality of the situation. When they cut this person out they are absolutely the worst person. These people are actually dangerous as they can do great harm.

If this is not a common behavior with your wife(ves) I just wonder what did lead to the demise? BPDs can many times be promiscuous as well.It's like they are always seeking attention and love.


----------



## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

WhyMe66 said:


> I share your anger. I loved her and married her. We were working on things and then all of the sudden she is copulating with this animal from her job and telling me "I don't think I love you anymore." He is a serial cheat, cheated on his wife with a mistress then cheated on the mistress with a GF, divorced his wife to move in with the GF and she wised up and dumped him! He remarried his wife and is now cheating on her with mine...
> 
> We don't have kids together but my daughter gave us two beautiful grand-babies. THAT is going to be tough... MY stbx is a fantastic Oma, I doubt that my daughter will let her see them though. I am so thankful that I found this website! Much better than sitting in a room with uncomfortable chairs, stale donuts and over cooked coffee waiting to take turns spilling our guts.


Brother...

Take your focus off this animal.

It won't help you.

What's done is done.

It's time to work on you.


----------



## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Just kind of jumping in here. Yep divorce was the most painful thing I went through. 

When I was married I used to have nightmares that my husband had done something really awful and I would be devastated. And then I would wake up and think "Oh thank god that was just a dream." Only now it's not a dream anymore. And it feels a bit surreal. 

But I'm a year and a half out. I'm not over it. Being divorced still hurts. I still sometimes can't believe that this person I once loved so much could do such horrible things. But...the despair you feel every morning? I don't feel that anymore. For me it was about 10 months before I finally felt that fog lifting. I still have moments, although they are less and less and shorter and shorter. But I'm moving on with life, and doing things that I couldn't do with him. And I'm excited about life again. 

So yeah, feel what you gotta feel, but know that it's not going to last. And yeah, Xanax helped me the most when I was going to sleep and couldn't distract my brain. Use it when you need it, but remember it can be habit forming. 

Also make sure to actually grieve. Allow yourself to cry and to be angry and devastated. These are normal feelings. But skip the guilt. This isn't your fault. 

Oh and keep this in mind, cheaters rewrite history. It can be crazy making. But he's going to turn you into the most horrible person in his head to justify what he did. It made me so angry when my X did that, but eventually I just had to let it go. I did lose friends over it. But the ones I kept were gold. 

And cherish your son. He's the best thing that came out of your marriage. And despite your disappointment, your son makes all the heart break worth it.


----------



## anewstine (Mar 23, 2016)

BlueWoman
It is good to hear that you are excited about life again and that this isn't going to last. I have to keep reminding myself that even though it doesn't feel like it will get better...right now anyway. Thank you for saying to skip the guilt because the more I hear it then maybe I will stop. This isn't my fault and I even saw my therapist today and she got mad at me for feeling guilty. She told me that she can testify that I have done everything in my power, at great detriment to me, to keep my family together. This is about him and his BS. So I am going to try to keep telling myself that. It's not my fault...I have nothing to feel guilty about...and that it is going to get better.
And you are REALLY right about my son. He is the BEST THING that came out of it and because of him I ultimately would not change anything. He is amazing and I am so lucky to be him mom. I just wish he didn't have to go through this pain.


----------



## anewstine (Mar 23, 2016)

AVR1962
I don't think my husband is BPD but I do think he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Once everything hit the fan I did some research and figured out that he was narcissistic and to me a lot of his previous behaviors and choices made perfect sense once I figured this out.
I also am figuring out that I am an empath (narcissists and empaths together do not end well...especially for the empath). Narcs suck us dry, are disconnected, insecure, needy and make poor choices with little empathy. I don't know how I didn't see this before all this happened but I didn't. I truly just thought he loved me but had a hard time with emotions and was a poor communicator. I of course know its much different now. I don't know who he is at this point. It hurts and although the meltdowns on the bathroom floor are over (or at least way less than before) now I have just slipped into a sadness, a sadness fog like everyone talks about. You are here but not really here. You feel out of it...like a zombie going through the motions. I don't find happiness where I used too but I know deep down that this will end at some point. And when that does that I will look back and thank my lucky stars that I am no longer with him. I deep down know this will happen...I just want it to happen now


----------



## anewstine (Mar 23, 2016)

I had a break down at my desk this afternoon. Thankfully no one was around. I just sobbed because I felt horrible and I just can't believe how angry I am. I don't want to blow up at him because I am trying to play nice so I can get what I want but it is so hard not to be able to tell him how much I hate him. I hate him for what he is doing to our family, what he will be doing to our son (once we tell him he is moving out), how he is treating me, how he has thrown me and our family away like we meant nothing when I gave him everything.
Part of me hates myself too. For putting up with it all these years. But I would have done anything for my family...why does that make me the bad person? I am seeing an attorney tomorrow for a consultation, sitting here trying to write up all my questions. Hopefully I will feel a little safer and more empowered after I speak with her. Or more likely I will leave and start crying before I can make it to the car. I never thought I would be here...what is my life going to look like?


----------



## unbe (Dec 20, 2013)

anewstine said:


> I had a break down at my desk this afternoon. Thankfully no one was around. I just sobbed because I felt horrible and I just can't believe how angry I am. I don't want to blow up at him because I am trying to play nice so I can get what I want but it is so hard not to be able to tell him how much I hate him. I hate him for what he is doing to our family, what he will be doing to our son (once we tell him he is moving out), how he is treating me, how he has thrown me and our family away like we meant nothing when I gave him everything.
> Part of me hates myself too. For putting up with it all these years. But I would have done anything for my family...why does that make me the bad person? I am seeing an attorney tomorrow for a consultation, sitting here trying to write up all my questions. Hopefully I will feel a little safer and more empowered after I speak with her. Or more likely I will leave and start crying before I can make it to the car. I never thought I would be here...what is my life going to look like?


your life is going to look however you want it to look. that shouldnt be on your mind right now (trust me I know its hard not to worry)

You have short term goals that all of your efforts should be focused on. These are VITAL toward any future you will have.

Stay focused on getting the most and best deal you can at this point. 

Focus on working on yourself in the present. IC is a must at this point!!!!!!!!!

Focus on getting sleep

Focus on eating right

If you have children, Focus on them.

Day by day....Keep posting


----------



## anewstine (Mar 23, 2016)

Unbe
Thank you. There is a small part of my rational brain that gets all of this. But it gets taken over by my ridiculously broken heart. I am so angry and hurt that it is overwhelming me. He told me that he cheated, said it was a one night stand, but he didn't sleep at home again last night (we are in different rooms-working on financial stuff to get him out) and I can't imagine that he is out doing anything but being with someone else. He tells me there is no one else but I don't believe him. On top of the divorce this is just killing me right now. I feel used and betrayed. It would explain a lot though. Why it is so easy for him just to check out on his family. I wish I knew what I could do to stop feeling so taken advantage of/defeated/used.
I do have a son, he's 5 and you are so right that focusing on him does help. But I also feel guilty about how this is going to change his life and his world. We haven't told him yet. Waiting to tell him when stbxh moves out, otherwise it would be too confusing for him. So many people tell me that this isn't my fault, people on this forum, friends, my therapist, that he decided to cheat, that he did this and that I need to let him feel the guilt. Unfortunately I don't think he does feel guilty. That is the hard part of all this. I think there is part of him that feels justified in it all. That somehow he made a one night stand mistake but it was kind of a good thing for us because he realized how unhappy he was. So lame. How does someone change so drastically...so many people going through this have the same kind of story as I do. I guess I just never thought I would be here.
The other problem is that I don't know what I want my life to look like. I am very goal oriented and feel completely lost right now because I don't have a plan. My plan for the future was blown up by him. And I gave so much of myself to him and our life that I don't know who I am anymore really. But I am trying to figure that out.
I just want this pain to stop but I also know that there is no going back. I do not want to be married to him anymore I just am so scared about the future and being able to take care of my son.
Why does life have to suck?


----------



## unbe (Dec 20, 2013)

anewstine said:


> Unbe
> Thank you. There is a small part of my rational brain that gets all of this. But it gets taken over by my ridiculously broken heart. I am so angry and hurt that it is overwhelming me. He told me that he cheated, said it was a one night stand, but he didn't sleep at home again last night (we are in different rooms-working on financial stuff to get him out) and I can't imagine that he is out doing anything but being with someone else. He tells me there is no one else but I don't believe him. On top of the divorce this is just killing me right now. I feel used and betrayed. It would explain a lot though. Why it is so easy for him just to check out on his family. I wish I knew what I could do to stop feeling so taken advantage of/defeated/used.
> I do have a son, he's 5 and you are so right that focusing on him does help. But I also feel guilty about how this is going to change his life and his world. We haven't told him yet. Waiting to tell him when stbxh moves out, otherwise it would be too confusing for him. So many people tell me that this isn't my fault, people on this forum, friends, my therapist, that he decided to cheat, that he did this and that I need to let him feel the guilt. Unfortunately I don't think he does feel guilty. That is the hard part of all this. I think there is part of him that feels justified in it all. That somehow he made a one night stand mistake but it was kind of a good thing for us because he realized how unhappy he was. So lame. How does someone change so drastically...so many people going through this have the same kind of story as I do. I guess I just never thought I would be here.
> The other problem is that I don't know what I want my life to look like. I am very goal oriented and feel completely lost right now because I don't have a plan.  My plan for the future was blown up by him. And I gave so much of myself to him and our life that I don't know who I am anymore really. But I am trying to figure that out.
> ...



Let me try and break down your post...Its kind of all over the place but that makes sense because you are dealing with a rush of emotions.

There is a small part of my rational brain that gets all of this. But it gets taken over by my ridiculously broken heart. I am so angry and hurt that it is overwhelming me. He told me that he cheated, said it was a one night stand, but he didn't sleep at home again last night (we are in different rooms-working on financial stuff to get him out) and I can't imagine that he is out doing anything but being with someone else- Honestley, what he is doing isnt your concern. You cant stop him, cant convinence him or control him. All you can do is things that directly affect YOU and how YOU are going to feel. If someone was repeateldy doing things that hurt me the only thing that makes LOGICAL sense is to remove myself from that situation. Dont think about him at all, think about YOU and YOU alone. Stop allowing the pain to stick around.


I do have a son, he's 5 and you are so right that focusing on him does help. But I also feel guilty about how this is going to change his life and his world. We haven't told him yet- I do not have children and dont feel I can give good advice here. I would leave this to the more experiecend posters. 

So many people tell me that this isn't my fault, people on this forum, friends, my therapist, that he decided to cheat, that he did this and that I need to let him feel the guilt. Unfortunately I don't think he does feel guilty. That is the hard part of all this. I think there is part of him that feels justified in it all- These people are 10000% correct, it is not your fault he CHEATED. There are parts of the marriage that im sure are you fault and you need to own them. Him CHEATING is not one of them...tahts all on him. Whether he feels guilty or not in the scheme of this is irrelevnat.

How does someone change so drastically...so many people going through this have the same kind of story as I do. I guess I just never thought I would be here.- Common theme among st cheating spouses. Think about the rush you got when you first started dating. You cant think of anything else...Nothing else matters. Thats what your dealing with. Thats why it makes no sense to you.

The other problem is that I don't know what I want my life to look like. I am very goal oriented and feel completely lost right now because I don't have a plan. My plan for the future was blown up by him. And I gave so much of myself to him and our life that I don't know who I am anymore really. But I am trying to figure that out.- You will figure it out. You can still achieve your goals in life. The trick is not having to count on anyone other than YOURSELF in order to complete these goals. 

I just want this pain to stop but I also know that there is no going back. I do not want to be married to him anymore I just am so scared about the future and being able to take care of my son.
Why does life have to suck?- Ok you have two different sides you need to look at here. The emotional and practical side. To set up your future practically you need to strike hard and fast on the D. It is imperative that you keep these two separate at this point otherwise your heart will screw up your future for yourself and your son. The emotional part is tougher. IC will help, working out will help. Talking to people will help. TIME is the biggest helper...You need time. Life doesnt suck, this PART does. Life brings great things and joys, you will see this again....soon.


----------



## unbe (Dec 20, 2013)

check your pms...


----------



## anewstine (Mar 23, 2016)

Thanks unbe
I went to see an attorney today to figure out what I need to do. You are right I need to get things going. I feel like I make 2 steps forward and then get kicked in the gut and thrown back. I am in counseling and I found a support group to go to twice a month about an hour away from my home (the drive sucks but it gives me time to think, cry, and sing along to Adele 21)..I've only been once and all I can say is that although I was glad I went it ultimately made me feel like I needed to do things like yesterday based on many of the other women's experiences. 
I get everything you are saying about stopping the pain from sticking around but I can't seem to make that happen. I have been through some stuff in my life, poor dysfunctional family, abusive parents (verbal and physical), both parents are deceased (my dad died while I was in high school), pulled myself up from poverty and put myself through college, and became a respectable member of society all by myself. I have always been stronger than my other siblings and extended family BUT I can't shake this. Any other time in my life I have been able to push through, put the pain on a shelf, and get what I needed to get done. This is different. I don't know if its because of my son (I am feeling a lot of guilt about our situation even though I realize it isn't my fault) or because of the cheating or what. I am completely freaked about what is going to be the best decisions for the future. It all has me overwhelmed, frozen stiff, and scared. 
How did you push the pain away/get through this?
I did check my PMs, now you need to check yours


----------



## unbe (Dec 20, 2013)

anewstine said:


> Thanks unbe
> I went to see an attorney today to figure out what I need to do. You are right I need to get things going. I feel like I make 2 steps forward and then get kicked in the gut and thrown back. I am in counseling and I found a support group to go to twice a month about an hour away from my home (the drive sucks but it gives me time to think, cry, and sing along to Adele 21)..I've only been once and all I can say is that although I was glad I went it ultimately made me feel like I needed to do things like yesterday based on many of the other women's experiences.
> I get everything you are saying about stopping the pain from sticking around but I can't seem to make that happen. I have been through some stuff in my life, poor dysfunctional family, abusive parents (verbal and physical), both parents are deceased (my dad died while I was in high school), pulled myself up from poverty and put myself through college, and became a respectable member of society all by myself. I have always been stronger than my other siblings and extended family BUT I can't shake this. Any other time in my life I have been able to push through, put the pain on a shelf, and get what I needed to get done. This is different. I don't know if its because of my son (I am feeling a lot of guilt about our situation even though I realize it isn't my fault) or because of the cheating or what. I am completely freaked about what is going to be the best decisions for the future. It all has me overwhelmed, frozen stiff, and scared.
> How did you push the pain away/get through this?
> I did check my PMs, now you need to check yours


I didn't really push the pain away. It kinda just gets less and less every day. Doing things helps, taking up hobby. Time is what really helps the most but the trick is it needs to be occupied. You can't just sit around and mope, you'll never get past it that way.

Keep pushing forward....don't look back. There will be time for reflection, it's just not now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## anewstine (Mar 23, 2016)

unbe said:


> I didn't really push the pain away. It kinda just gets less and less every day. Doing things helps, taking up hobby. Time is what really helps the most but the trick is it needs to be occupied. You can't just sit around and mope, you'll never get past it that way.
> 
> Keep pushing forward....don't look back. There will be time for reflection, it's just not now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am totally trying to figure out how to fill the time. I was so focused on my son and family that I let a lot of "me" activities go by the side. I am reaching out to friends etc. though and trying very hard to stay occupied because it is better than moping and ultimately moping is just going to make me feel worse.

I like the idea of pushing forward not pushing away. Makes way more sense because if I pushed it all away it would just come back in some other way. So I will continue to push forward and selling the house is just going to be a piece of that


----------



## unbe (Dec 20, 2013)

anewstine said:


> I am totally trying to figure out how to fill the time. I was so focused on my son and family that I let a lot of "me" activities go by the side. I am reaching out to friends etc. though and trying very hard to stay occupied because it is better than moping and ultimately moping is just going to make me feel worse.
> 
> I like the idea of pushing forward not pushing away. Makes way more sense because if I pushed it all away it would just come back in some other way. So I will continue to push forward and selling the house is just going to be a piece of that


How are we doing these days???


----------

