# Husband is Dissatisfied!



## somethingtotalkabout (Oct 15, 2009)

My husband and I are attracted to each other, but I have been having health problems lately that make sex hard to enjoy. They have been going on for about a month now, and I am trying my best to get over them so that we can get back on track! However, my husband is really disappointed with our sex life because of it. I love him and I want to make him happy, but he feels like if he experiences pleasure and I don't, then it's not fair and he's not interested. What should I do? he feels like I am turning him down because I don't enjoy it, which is not the case! How do I go about getting our sex life back on track and avoiding all of these hurt feelings?


----------



## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Just keep initiating and pleasing him and when he gets worried about your pleasure, ask him if he thinks you'd keep initiating if you didn't enjoy it.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Just went through about a month of this. Wife had an inflammation, went to ob/gyn and got estrogen - which helped. Still for almost a month we were limited in what we could do, and I am not very fond of one way sex. 

I am willing to accept a limited amount of mercy sex in those situations just to avoid being very sexually frustrated. 

It was very nice for me, that she made the effort to offer, even though I declined more then I said yes. I was very nice about it - I just didn't feel good about being selfish. About once a week I would get to the point where I was really edgy and then.... 

As we age I think we need to accept that these things will happen, if your partner is truly doing the best they can then we should be grateful to them, and gracious about the situation. 





somethingtotalkabout said:


> My husband and I are attracted to each other, but I have been having health problems lately that make sex hard to enjoy. They have been going on for about a month now, and I am trying my best to get over them so that we can get back on track! However, my husband is really disappointed with our sex life because of it. I love him and I want to make him happy, but he feels like if he experiences pleasure and I don't, then it's not fair and he's not interested. What should I do? he feels like I am turning him down because I don't enjoy it, which is not the case! How do I go about getting our sex life back on track and avoiding all of these hurt feelings?


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

i think he should be a bit more sympathetic to your health issue. you are seeking help for it so your not ignoring it, and you are trying to please him even though you aren't gettign as much out of it as you might like to. i commend you for wanting to please him.


----------



## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I guess I don't understand what the problem is when one partner WANTS to make the other feel good. That isn't mercy sex. That's love. Believe it or not, we get a lot of positive feelings from making our husbands feel good even if we don't receive anything in the more traditional sense. It isn't a one way street as you guys are supposing.

Learning to accept a gift is a good skill to have. Calling it selfish to accept something that is offered without strings is mislabeling. You aren't being selfish.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

My wife has said that to me for many years. Why is it that until this morning - just now - I never got it. OK - I get it now. 




dobo said:


> I guess I don't understand what the problem is when one partner WANTS to make the other feel good. That isn't mercy sex. That's love. Believe it or not, we get a lot of positive feelings from making our husbands feel good even if we don't receive anything in the more traditional sense. It isn't a one way street as you guys are supposing.
> 
> Learning to accept a gift is a good skill to have. Calling it selfish to accept something that is offered without strings is mislabeling. You aren't being selfish.


----------



## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

dobo said:


> I guess I don't understand what the problem is when one partner WANTS to make the other feel good. That isn't mercy sex. That's love. Believe it or not, we get a lot of positive feelings from making our husbands feel good even if we don't receive anything in the more traditional sense. It isn't a one way street as you guys are supposing.
> 
> Learning to accept a gift is a good skill to have. Calling it selfish to accept something that is offered without strings is mislabeling. You aren't being selfish.


I think, dobo, that it comes down to (and I'm stereo-typing) for guys it isn't getting off that we love most about sex. It is getting our partners off. So when our partner isn't, or can't, enjoy it, our prime motivation is gone.

I read in one of the Mars/Venus books:
When asked about their best sex experience,

women will tend to relate a time when their partner drove them absolutely wild.

men will tend to relate a time when they drove their partner absolutely wild.

So simply laying back, and enjoying receiving pleasure is not something that men are typically used to doing. It is simply a foreign concept to a lot of guys. Men, tend to keep score sexually, and if their partner isn't getting her's...then the guy is losing.

For OP, maybe your husband would react better if instead of doing something "for him", you tell him that he had better be ready, because when you're healthy again, the bill is coming due and everything that you're doing for him now will be paid back. In Full.  

That also makes it clear that it isn't him, and it isn't really you, that is the problem right now. It is the medical problem that you have.


----------



## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Your stereotype doesn't work in reality. Many, many men take and don't give. Huge massive numbers...

Secondly, I stick by what I say. If you don't enjoy it because you feel selfish, then you're wrong when your partner wants to give it to you freely and joyfully. If you don't enjoy it because you won't allow yourself to receive without giving, I still think you are wrong because now you are depriving your partner the pleasure of giving.

Men who keep score about sex are starting new problems where there ought not be problems if she's happy.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I agree. Many, many men take and don't give. I don't keep score in the bedroom, I already know it is somewhat one sided. I always finish, sometimes she doesn't. I think it helps that she knows I want/am willing to do whatever I can to make it as much fun for her as possible when we connect. I also think it helps that I go above and beyond outside the bedroom. And last but very much not least I know it helps that she knows she is my highest priority in life. 




dobo said:


> Your stereotype doesn't work in reality. Many, many men take and don't give. Huge massive numbers...
> 
> Secondly, I stick by what I say. If you don't enjoy it because you feel selfish, then you're wrong when your partner wants to give it to you freely and joyfully. If you don't enjoy it because you won't allow yourself to receive without giving, I still think you are wrong because now you are depriving your partner the pleasure of giving.
> 
> Men who keep score about sex are starting new problems where there ought not be problems if she's happy.


----------



## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

MEM11363 said:


> And last but very much not least I know it helps that she knows she is my highest priority in life.


:smthumbup: :smthumbup: :smthumbup: :smthumbup:


----------



## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

I have to side with downandout on this one. We are all different, I wouldn't say "massive amount of men" - that is also stereotyping. As for me, I don't get the enjoyment out of sex if my wife isn't absolutely blown away by the sexual encounter. Yes, I finish if she can't but I ALWAYS wait for her. Downandout does have a very valid point - it is an ego trip for men to know they can make a woman reach orgasm and MANY do feel less than adequate when their sexual partner doesn't experience a mind blowing session.


----------



## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

So this is all about you in the end, then? How's that not selfish, just because she happens to O? How is putting the condition on when you will accept your wife's love (based on the need to feed your ego) loving?

You deny her something she enjoys because you are denied something you enjoy? Does that make ANY sense?

It makes none to me, especially if this is about ego. And especially since this is the same kind of thinking that puts pressure on women who have trouble reaching orgasm.

PS - I still think you're great even if I disagree w/you Brighterlight!


----------



## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

I didn't say it was right. Just that a large number of men have that attitude. That they judge the quality of sex by the quality of their partner's experience.

It really isn't my idea. At least I can't take credit for it. It is in the Mars/Venus books.

It's an attempt to explain OP's husband's viewpoint on why he is frustrated, and why he has the attitude he has.


----------



## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

So a book said it, it must be right.

Look, books are guides. They're not bibles. She obviously wants something different and while she can understand what he may (MAY) be thinking, he can also change his attitude. \


----------



## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

> So a book said it, it must be right.


You do realize we are anonymous posters on an internet forum?

If my insight is not applicable, feel free to ignore it. It isn't worth arguing over.

I can't address OP's husband. He isn't reading this forum. So my comment was targeted to how OP could approach it differently. Again, feel free to ignore it if it doesn't seem to apply.


----------



## JoLoPe (Oct 16, 2009)

somethingtotalkabout said:


> My husband and I are attracted to each other, but I have been having health problems lately that make sex hard to enjoy. They have been going on for about a month now, and I am trying my best to get over them so that we can get back on track! However, my husband is really disappointed with our sex life because of it. I love him and I want to make him happy, but he feels like if he experiences pleasure and I don't, then it's not fair and he's not interested. What should I do? he feels like I am turning him down because I don't enjoy it, which is not the case! How do I go about getting our sex life back on track and avoiding all of these hurt feelings?


My few cents:

With any relationship, communication is the most important thing. The only "problem" is that sometimes we think we're communicating, when we're only speaking from our perspective. Often the other person doesn't experience our words the way we intend them, and often there are meanings behind the words that aren't addressed.

The best you can do is be as clear as you can with your husband about how you feel about all the pieces of the equation. The next thing you can do is ask him to tell you what he understands from what you tell him. You can explain that you are just wanting to be clear that you were clear, and that it has nothing to do with him. If there is a *misunderstanding* address it like you didn't communicate what you needed to in a way he needed to hear it, and be clear to him (if necessary) that that is what you are doing.

Next, you can find out what he thinks is missing in your activities. It may be that certain things evoke certain meanings and feelings, and without them he feels lacking in them. It is possible that those feelings are unconscious (as many times they are)...however, if he's willing, he may be able to identify what he gets from what he is currently lacking.

Once the essence is identified, perhaps there is another way for him to either get what he needs, or give you what he needs to to feel OK within himself.

In your conversation make it more about YOU than him, and hopefully he won't be defensive about it. However, if you find him getting defensive at all, let him know that there is nothing that is *wrong* here other, than perhaps, that you two can't have "business as usual."


----------

