# Opposite Sex Friendship & Marriage



## Noman (Oct 17, 2014)

Hi, all-

I would like your opinion on my situation.

My wife has a freelance photographer who works for her. Until recently he was the only one. The job doesn't pay much and is really more of a hobby for anyone doing it.

At one time she was doing the same job and they were competing against each other. Then my wife got the job running the department and now he works for her.

I feel the photographer is insinuating himself in our marriage, my wife says he's just a friend.

Last year he started gifting her things. First it was a used camera lens he no longer needed that would fit her old camera.

I looked at the lens and it doesn't look at all used to me, no wear marks. Looking on eBay this lens is still being bought and sold and used is worth $150.

A few months later they had an old fashioned tea at the Womens' Club and my daughter wore my great grandmother's dress (it was magical) to the tea.

I was there, with my camera, as was my wife and the photographer.

Before going inside for the tea I asked my daughter to pose against a nice back drop outside so I could take a picture.

I'm taking pictures, telling her to turn this way, tilt your head, so on and suddenly the photographer jumps in and starts taking pictures. Nothing wrong with that, my wife had her camera and she took some pictures too.

A few weeks later I was at my in-laws' house and as I walked by the spare bedroom, I saw three of these pictures hanging on the wall.

I asked where they'd come from and my wife told me the photographer had printed them out and given them to her.

These are large pictures 11" x 17" and someone bought Aaron Bros frames for them. I'm not sure who. My father in law _makes_ picture frames so I'm sure he didn't run out and buy these expensive ones.

The next thing I know copies of movies in DVD format are showing up. "The photographer rented them and made a copy for us."

The lens bothered me, the pictures _really_ bothered me. 

When I brought up the lens my wife said he didn't need it anymore, it was no big deal.

The pictures, though, seemed kind of weird. My wife said they just have a competition from when they were both freelance photographers, but it feels like he's in competition with _me._ (And this may be a key point.)

I was mulling what to do until the DVDs started showing up, then I told my wife, "No more gifts."

I didn't do anything about the photographs because they were already hanging up at my in-laws.

The lens actually fit an _old_ camera of my wife's and I don't think she's ever used it. It's sitting in a cupboard.

Things seemed to settle down, no more gifts and a few months later the photographer's wife had some health issues and he disappeared for the most part.

Now he's back, though, and he's discovered Facebook.

The other day he sent a message to my wife that said, "My wife just got back from lunch with the pastor's wife. I was showing her how I'd found the stuff on my son and that I WAS POKING YOU !!!"

My wife made light of this, saying they're having a 'poke war' and she'd been under deadline and he was pestering her with messages and pokes.

I see it as being a little more serious than that.

So, do you think this person has crossed the line of friendship into something else?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Yes I do! Gifts? Yes, for a birthday. Out of the blue? Nope. Pictures? Framed? Nope. Now FB. He has found another way to get your W attention. It is possible the OM is having a unsaid EA with your W. She is possibly unknowing or is playing dumb. This OM has to go. He is in more of a competition then just picture taking.

EDIT: Do you have a cordial relationship with the OM W?


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

He seems to be a bit _too_ friendly. However, he is not the problem. Your WIFE is the problem, she entertains his gifts & everything else. I would not feel comfortable accepting gifts from another man & I know my husband would not appreciate it either. Your wife seems to have a problem with establishing boundaries & seems to undermine your feelings.

Have you done a little snooping to see if anything more is going on?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

This is no different than male manager and a female worker.

Inappropriate to get into ANYTHING beyond business/work.

Simple as that.

I also don't believe in "work friendships". I used to and had MANY, but in time realized it wasn't REAL/TRUE friendship.

And almost all of these "work friends" ended up quite the opposite of what I thought I knew.

Besides the fact that I already spend WAY too big of a portion of my day at work with these people.......no need to add to that.......


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

From what you said I don't think it's a big red flag...YET.
Stay vigilant on this though I assume you two have each others passwords.
IF at any time she changes her passwords and doesn't tell you then it's serious then it's VAR and keylogger time.
It was good you said no more gifts now observe no more talk on this subject.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

JustTired said:


> He seems to be a bit _too_ friendly. However, he is not the problem. Your WIFE is the problem, she entertains his gifts & everything else. I would not feel comfortable accepting gifts from another man & I know my husband would not appreciate it either. Your wife seems to have a problem with establishing boundaries & seems to undermine your feelings.
> 
> Have you done a little snooping to see if anything more is going on?


:iagree:

Excellent observation. Perhaps the W likes the wee bit of attention as well?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

tom67 said:


> From what you said I don't think it's a big red flag...YET.
> Stay vigilant on this though I assume you two have each others passwords.
> IF at any time she changes her passwords and doesn't tell you then it's serious then it's VAR and keylogger time.
> It was good you said no more gifts now observe no more talk on this subject.


:iagree:

Excellent advise.


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## Noman (Oct 17, 2014)

Yeswecan said:


> Do you have a cordial relationship with the OM W?


We _had_ a 'friendly' relationship. I only see him once or twice a year.

We now have a very strained relationship, although I'm not sure he knows it yet.

I didn't post this before, but about a week before the 'poking' comment my wife thought she'd lost the $1,000 Nikon camera I bought her last year for Christmas. (Nice camera, different brand than his so there won't be any sharing. Nice move, eh?) She ended up finding it. I was a little irritated with her because she was just leaving it on her desk at work and she thought someone had walked off with it.

Anyway, they were messaging and he asked if she'd found her camera.

She replied that she had but I was mad at her.

His reply was, "Why? Someone needs to slap that boy up side the head."

So...it's on.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Noman said:


> We _had_ a 'friendly' relationship. I only see him once or twice a year.
> 
> We now have a very strained relationship, although I'm not sure he knows it yet.
> 
> ...



OK...one thing my W never does is discuss things like this with other males. Not even her brother. She will vent to her closest female cousin if it involves a tiff between me and her. 

Your W is confiding with OM. She is working on an EA in my opinion. Poor boundaries. The OM is belittling you with the 'boy' comment. W never responded foul to the OM comment. This needs to end.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Noman said:


> We _had_ a 'friendly' relationship. I only see him once or twice a year.
> 
> We now have a very strained relationship, although I'm not sure he knows it yet.
> 
> ...


Now that you just posted this... he has to go this is an ea at least.
Take her out to dinner and have the talk no emotion no crying or begging.
Tell her there 3 in the marriage right now that's one person too many.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

tom67 said:


> tell her there 3 in the marriage right now that's one person too many.


and always will be.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Yeswecan said:


> OK...one thing my W never does is discuss things like this with other males. Not even her brother. She will vent to her closest female cousin if it involves a tiff between me and her.
> 
> Your W is confiding with OM. She is working on an EA in my opinion. Poor boundaries. The OM is belittling you with the 'boy' comment. W never responded foul to the OM comment. This needs to end.


:iagree:
And you need to show his wife the texts do not tell your wife just do it!
This can escalate quickly act fast on this pounce on it.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Noman said:


> We _had_ a 'friendly' relationship. I only see him once or twice a year.
> 
> We now have a very strained relationship, although I'm not sure he knows it yet.
> 
> ...


In my relationship, opposite sex friends are a no go/boundry.

3 BIG reasons....but MANY others as well.

Reason#1: it's inappropriate and disrespectful towards our relationship.

Reason #2: too risky, WAY too risky. 

Reason #3: Most guy (not all) will not be friends with a girl they don't find attractive. FOUNDATION of "friendship" is broken from the get go. You should know this as a man and watching MEN your entire life.


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## Noman (Oct 17, 2014)

DoF said:


> You should know this as a man and watching MEN your entire life.


Oh, I _do_ but my wife insists I'm just 'jealous' and that I'm the only man in the world who feels the way I do.

Keep the replies coming, folks, I'd like to hear from more women.

Best,

Noman


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

> The lens bothered me, the pictures really bothered me.
> 
> 
> 
> The pictures, though, seemed kind of weird. My wife said they just have a competition from when they were both freelance photographers, but it feels like he's in competition with me. (And this may be a key point.)


These two items bother me as well. Pictures. Getting a weird feeling about them.

Yes, the key point is the OM appears to be in competition and it is not over a picture. He is competing for your W IMHO.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Noman said:


> Oh, I _do_ but my wife insists I'm just 'jealous' and that I'm the only man in the world who feels the way I do.
> 
> Keep the replies coming, folks, I'd like to hear from more women.
> 
> ...


Gee, where have we hear the 'being jealous.'? Well, if certain behavior is making one jealous and uneasy....IT NEEDS TO STOP. Common sense. You W is digging the attention sir. You are concerned. OM is poking on FB. It's grand! She is liking the attention. If she was serious about respecting you she would seriously listen to your concern. She blows it off as being jealous. Not good in my book. 

Time to talk about your concerns with your W. She needs to respect your feelings. OM needs to go.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Yeswecan said:


> These two items bother me as well. Pictures. Getting a weird feeling about them.
> 
> Yes, the key point is the OM appears to be in competition and it is not over a picture. He is competing for your W IMHO.


Noman contact this pos's wife and see what she thinks after you fill her in.
He is a snake in the grass.
Ask your w how she would feel about a female texting you and belittling your wife?
Yeah we know the answer.
Cooly and as calm as you can shut this down.
You can't control her but you can control what you will tolerate.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

tom67 said:


> From what you said I don't think it's a big red flag...YET.
> Stay vigilant on this though I assume you two have each others passwords.
> IF at any time she changes her passwords and doesn't tell you then it's serious then it's VAR and keylogger time.
> It was good you said no more gifts now observe no more talk on this subject.


I agree that so far this doesn't sound too bad. 

But stay alert.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Noman said:


> We _had_ a 'friendly' relationship. I only see him once or twice a year.
> 
> We now have a very strained relationship, although I'm not sure he knows it yet.
> 
> ...


This would have resulted in a confrontation with me. 

You need to teach this guy not to talk about you that way, and teach your wife not to accept someone talking that way about you. Disrespectful on both their parts.


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## hardcandy (Sep 16, 2014)

The photographer has feelings for your wife. This is a definite.

Your wife may just enjoy this "friendship" because he is giving her something you may not be.

This is why she may be playing dumb/innocent or blowing it off as their "friendship" has not quite crossed the lines of inappropriateness. And she doesn't want to lose this "friendship."

As a woman, if a man I don't like is giving me that much attention or gifts, I would be annoyed and tell him to blow off before my husband has to tell me to do so, I'd complain to my husband about his behavior, or I may even say "I need to fire him. I think he likes me." 

Sadly, your wife may secretly be attracted to him as well if she continues to make light of their rather close work relationship. If she accepts your feelings as justified, then she would have to get rid of the photographer -- this is why she may be in denial. OR she may just genuinely like him as a friend.

It stinks that men and women can't be friends. Believe me, I had to end many friendships with men out of respect for my marriage even though I really did enjoy them only as friends. But, someone (usually the man) is always attracted the other person (usually the woman).

I think it's fair that as a husband, you can request your wife to end this friendship, or at the very least, for her to truly keep it as business only: No gifts unless there is a reason (bday, christmas, congratulatory, etc..), no poking on FB, no confiding in each other regarding their marriage, and whatever else bothers you.


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## Noman (Oct 17, 2014)

hardcandy said:


> It stinks that men and women can't be friends. Believe me, I had to end many friendships with men out of respect for my marriage even though I really did enjoy them only as friends. But, someone (usually the man) is always attracted the other person (usually the woman).


Thank you.

This is something that my wife refuses to acknowledge.

This worries me to no end because I do believe she knows it is true.


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## D.H Mosquito (Jul 22, 2014)

the only one needing a slap up side the head is him not you, perhaps you should just have a friendly but firm chat and tell him to cool his heels no presents and no non work related contact


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