# 26 & married for 3 years, together for 6... spark left a long time ago, advice needed



## dazedconfused (Nov 6, 2010)

*26 & married for 3 years, together for 6... spark left a long time ago, advice needed*

Wow, can't believe I have found myself in this situation, but here I am. 

I started going out with my husband when I was 20, he was 21. We are now both 26 & have been married for 3 years, together for 6 & have a 15 month old daughter. I was really attracted to my husband when we first met, he is a really handsome man. Everything was great for a few years, he was a bit of a wild one & I liked that, he is from a country area so I loved the fact we were so different in so many ways yet so compatible. 

We were best mates, I could tell him anything, well if you count this, almost anything. Both of our families love both of us, we have no problems with money, no problems with infidelity etc... 

We used to have sex regularly, however over the years my attraction towards my husband has become non-existent. He really has let him self go, he has gained a bit of weight due to no physical exercise & I found it a turn off. Especially since the birth of our daughter, I have found the time to bounce back to having a better body than before I had her & he is still the same which just puts me off. 

We never have sex, and I mean never, never even kiss, he tries but I just dont even feel interested in it. He tries to initiate sex regularly & knows that I find it hard because he has let himself go so much & i've lost attraction to him.

He is a great husband and provider and an excellent Dad to our daughter and he would do anything for us. We really have a great life BUT it has only been just 6 years and I don't know how things could possibly get any better? I have found myself feeling less towards him even emotionally....... 

Breaks my heart to admit this, as I know he is very much in love & attracted to me but i'm at a point where I don't know what to do? I feel so guilty and so torn up inside as he really is a wonderful person but the spark just feels like it disappeared a long time ago.

The answer seems obvious but I wan't to know if there is anyone who has been in a similar situation & had a positive outcome?

I fear the opinions of family & friends (especially his) if we had a trial separation? 

Opinions are welcomed, just try not to be too harsh on me as this is my very first post


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## dazedconfused (Nov 6, 2010)

*Re: 26 & married for 3 years, together for 6... spark left a long time ago, advice ne*

I probably should have added that I have become fairly 'nit picky' because im not happy, I tend to find he frustrates me easily these days & it leads to arguments...... I think most unfairly started by me because I know I am not happy


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## dazedconfused (Nov 6, 2010)

*Re: 26 & married for 3 years, together for 6... spark left a long time ago, advice ne*

So no one has any advice to offer me? :s


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

*Re: 26 & married for 3 years, together for 6... spark left a long time ago, advice ne*

Please sit down and discuss this with your husband about your frustration. 

It is never a good idea to bottle up your frustration and let him puzzle. 

Please tell him to lose weight and become a sexy man again. I know it is not easy for him, but for you and him and your marriage, sounds like this is something he must do.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

*Re: 26 & married for 3 years, together for 6... spark left a long time ago, advice ne*

It is not physical exercise he lacks, I have read an article about people gaining weight, many people think that it is because of lacking exercise, actually no. It is what people eat make people gain more weight. 

Does he eat a lot? What does he eat? 
Who cooks at home? 
Please arrange a healthy diet for him or ask him to go to a doctor for the weight issue. 

(I am the same. Once I was grossed by a man who wanted to get close to me. His stomach was just too big for me. I didn't care how successful he was financially. I just didn't like his big stomach.)


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

*Re: 26 & married for 3 years, together for 6... spark left a long time ago, advice ne*

You aren't attracted to him. You refuse him intimacy. You stay with him because he's a great provider (money). I'm sure millions of women have been in a similar situation. My advise is to either accept and treat this man as your husband (as you promised) or ditch him. He can still provide for you and he can still be a great father. At least, he would be free to find real love. Your appearance will also change. Could be age will do it but it could happen instantly in a fire or accident. Real love will still adore you even when you aren't all that hot. It'll look past a few wrinkles or a few extra pounds. We justify to ourselves everything we do. If you don't have sex for a while you must explain to yourself why and that means finding fault with him. Likewise, if you have sex regularly, you will have to tell yourself that he is desirable.


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## savevsdeath (Nov 9, 2010)

*Re: 26 & married for 3 years, together for 6... spark left a long time ago, advice ne*



unbelievable said:


> You aren't attracted to him. You refuse him intimacy. You stay with him because he's a great provider (money). I'm sure millions of women have been in a similar situation. My advise is to either accept and treat this man as your husband (as you promised) or ditch him. He can still provide for you and he can still be a great father. At least, he would be free to find real love. Your appearance will also change. Could be age will do it but it could happen instantly in a fire or accident. Real love will still adore you even when you aren't all that hot. It'll look past a few wrinkles or a few extra pounds. We justify to ourselves everything we do. If you don't have sex for a while you must explain to yourself why and that means finding fault with him. Likewise, if you have sex regularly, you will have to tell yourself that he is desirable.


This right here is exactly what you shouldn't do. You loved your husband and found him attractive at one time, so you owe it to him and yourself to at least talk about his weight gain and increasing unattractiveness to you. You are very lucky in that he is male, and while it may hurt him to hear you say that he's fat he will be far more likely to do something about it; nothing will motivate a man faster than his woman telling him he is no longer attractive.

Give him time to get his sexy back, and see if you can re-ignite that spark. If not, consider other options or just separate peacefully and work out an equitable arrangement for your child. And if you are ever the one on the recieving end of the 'fat discussion', remember how hard it was to tell him how you felt, and give him the courtesy of not blowing up on him.


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## jimrich (Sep 26, 2010)

*Re: 26 & married for 3 years, together for 6... spark left a long time ago, advice ne*

My first reaction is that your unhappiness will definitely harm you child. So, for your child's sake get into some kind of counseling where you can come to a solution. Or go on line and google: relationships or look for some relationship books, videos, etc. to learn exactly how to get the love and friendship back in your home before you wreck your child. Either fix the marriage or get a DIVORCE so you child will not have to suffer under two unhappy parental role models. If you focus on doing what's right for your dependent, vulnerable little child, you will see exactly how and WHY to fix your marriage.


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## chefmaster (Oct 30, 2010)

*Re: 26 & married for 3 years, together for 6... spark left a long time ago, advice ne*

Things you're assuming that may not true:

1. He knows the weight is an issue.
There are dozens of things that could be going through his mind as to why you two don't make love anymore. Even if you have told him directly that his weight is an issue.(believe me it's true)

2. The only reason you aren't attracted to him anymore is because of his weight.
There's also the fact that not only is he not a bad boy anymore he may be the opposite now. 
And the fact that married partners can become bored with each other after years of doing the same things and tellng the same stories over and over.
And the fact that your subconscience is telling you that at his current health he could be dead soon.

3. He is very much in love & attracted to you.
He certainly wants you. But keep in mind one of the major reasons couples remain in love & attracted to one another is: missionary-style sex. I'm guessing it's been a while for that also? Different positions are great for variety and trying new things but the downslide of you two began on the day you two last did that. Your attraction began to wane on that day. 

This didn't all happen overnight and it won't get fixed in a day but I am willing to bet you, since you asked, _We really have a great life BUT it has only been just 6 years and I don't know how things could possibly get any better?_ that if he were healthy and fit and handsome again tomorrow that you would attract to him whether you liked it not, and you would kiss him, and soon enough you too would be back to smiling and being happy.

That of course still leaves the question: Can he and will he change himself?

I can tell you what I would do if I were you and in your financial situation. For the sake of his health and for the sake of your daughter getting to grow up with a dad and with parents who are happy and healthy I would walk my butt down to the local gym and hire a personal trainer.

The man you once knew and loved and were deeply attracted to is still there you just haven't 'seen' him in while, if you know what I mean 

So what's harder, asking for a trial separation or explaining the reasons he needed a trainer?

And who knows..it just might work.


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