# Can guys have a platonic friendship with a woman?



## TashaB

I just recently learned that my former best friend was in love with me for a long time. I've known him over 20 years. Was talking to my girlfriend about this who doesn't know him and she wondered how he could have felt that way for so long and I not know. 

It got me wondering can a guy have a genuine platonic friendship with a woman?


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## tobio

I have a few of what I consider platonic friendships with guys. There has never been any flirtation or hint of anything more from these guys. I always thought when younger it was simply because they didn't fancy me that we could have a good friendship. Now? I'm not so naive.

I think a lot of them are nice guys and would not dream of making advances unless I ever made it clear that was what I wanted. I don't think that necessarily negates our friendships though. I have a good friend with whom I share a similar love of music and used to travel a lot to gigs with before my kids arrived. I have one who I used to study with who I can chat away to about the subject we studied. I have another who was a drinking buddy whom I used to houseshare with. Another with whom I have deep chats about putting the world to rights over a cuppa. I value their friendships and don't discount them just because they're guys.

I do not know however what they would say if asked the same question!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lost soul

Can guys have a platonic friendship with a woman? no


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## TashaB

And are you a woman/ man? Those who respond.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TashaB

lost soul said:


> Can guys have a platonic friendship with a woman? no


What makes you feel it can't happen?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dymo

This brings to mind a video I saw last week.

Why Men and Women Cant be friends - YouTube

Kidding aside, while I don't think you can have a 100% platonic friendship between a guy and a girl, you can get damn close. And you can certainly be close friends with a girl without falling in love with them. The risk is always there, though.

If you don't feel the same way about this guy, don't lead him on. Let him know there is no future. He'll be hurt, but it's kinder in the long run.


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## johniori1

oh godd


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## DanF

I think that on the guy side, it is extremely rare.
In all my nearly 50 years, there is and has been only one woman that I can honestly say that I have a purely platonic relationship with. Anyone else, if I have liked, her, I have wondered what she would look like naked.


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## CandieGirl

Not willingly, no!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## YupItsMe

Answers to this question are always disturbing. 

I (male) have many female friends. Im not attracted to most of them. A few are very attractive. When I was single, I would have tried to sleep with them because they are hot. 

I dont think about them that way now because my boundaries are understood. If they feel differently about me and it becomes an issue, I shut it off.

I love my wife. One of my top 5 responsibilties and promises frankly is to help my wife to feel secure and know to me, she is the sexiest, most desireable woman alive.


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## MrK

I am 50, and I have never pursued a friendship with a woman I didn't want to screw. Can it be done? Maybe. I've never seen it.


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## FrankKissel

Of course.
I've had several female friends with whom I've never been interested in anything beyond friendship. Can't say I've never wondered what it might be like to be more than friends with a few of them, but that doesn't mean I'm somehow compelled to act on those thoughts or even wanted to.

Some guys see every woman as a potential place to insert their you-know-what. Some don't.

It goes without saying that a platonic relationship isn't possible when one side or the other wants more than a platonic relationship. You can only "just be friends" is that's what both only want.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma

Certainly a man can have a platonic friendship with a woman.

For absolutely no sexual thought the woman would have to be someone who held no sexual attraction at all...whatsoever.


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## ocotillo

It's certainly possible. My best friend growing up was female. We were like a brother and sister. She came to me for advice with boys and I came to her for advice with girls. 

We've known each other for nearly fifty years now and and are still friends. She's been married almost as long as I have. The basis for the friendship today is some shared hobbies and interests. 

The dynamic is different with a friend of the opposite sex though. We both make a conscious effort to involve our spouses when they are intertested or to at least keep them in the loop when they're not. This includes sharing every single email and FB interaction.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

I'm sure they can, but my husband and I made an agreement our first year of marriage, no platonic casual relationships of the opposite sex. It's worked well for us these past 12 years.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BigBadWolf

No.

Work aquaintences, or perhaps friends of "the couple" notwithstanding, but these are not what I personally call "friends", and exist only with deliberate boundries, boundries that are not required in an actual friendship.

A friendship where there is true bonding, vulnerability, trust, and loyalty, not going to happen between men and woman without generating emotional/sexual bonding that would by any definition cross the line to good old fasioned "attraction".

Anything we assume or describe is "platonic" between a man and woman is only going to happen with either much deceit or restraint on one side or the other. 

Then if and when something happens and true feelings are revealed, then there is the predictable shock! shock! SHOCK! to hear that this so called platonic friend has "always loved you" or some similar sh!t like that.  

Just a bad idea to be that naive. 

A man invests his time to be with a woman for the prospect of potential mating. Don't kid yourself to pretend it is something else.


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## lost soul

:iagree: that was way more eloquent than what I was gonna say :smthumbup: thank god for spell check cause I didn't even come close to spelling eloquent right, , , in fact I had to spell it wrong three times to find the right one and I'm still not sure it is :scratchhead: 

even if a there no attraction with a female and she is just really cool to talk with, , , that becomes attractive and the lil head takes over


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## Shaggy

Yes, but only if both side strickly recognize boundaries and refuse to cross them.

If either one is naturally a flirt or a tease - then no.

If either one likes to push things - then no

If either one tends to have a drama filled life and uses the other as a support tool -then no

if either one are touchy-feely types who need a lot of physical contact (hugs, cuddles, handholding) with friends - then no
---

however if they keep it at agreeing on common interests, topics, discussions - then yes.

---

Can they be close best buds who hang out all the time - I'm gonna go with NO


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## Shaggy

BigBadWolf said:


> No.
> 
> A man invests his time to be with a woman for the prospect of potential mating. Don't kid yourself to pretend it is something else.


Not always true - sometimes a man will invest his time in a woman in hopes that she will be the gateway to meet other women.


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## BigBadWolf

Shaggy said:


> Not always true - sometimes a man will invest his time in a woman in hopes that she will be the gateway to meet other women.



Still can be considered "prospective mating" though!


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## TashaB

Well I'm No longer in contact with former best friend. Was just wondering how you all felt about this topic.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## okeydokie

if the man is gay then yes


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## Chaparral

You have already proved that its not possible. LOL


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## Runs like Dog

Sure. In the same way Catholic school girls don't consider anal to be sex.


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## FrankKissel

BigBadWolf said:


> No.
> 
> Work aquaintences, or perhaps friends of "the couple" notwithstanding, but these are not what I personally call "friends", and exist only with deliberate boundries, boundries that are not required in an actual friendship.
> 
> A friendship where there is true bonding, vulnerability, trust, and loyalty, not going to happen between men and woman without generating emotional/sexual bonding that would by any definition cross the line to good old fasioned "attraction".
> 
> Anything we assume or describe is "platonic" between a man and woman is only going to happen with either much deceit or restraint on one side or the other.
> 
> Then if and when something happens and true feelings are revealed, then there is the predictable shock! shock! SHOCK! to hear that this so called platonic friend has "always loved you" or some similar sh!t like that.
> 
> Just a bad idea to be that naive.
> 
> A man invests his time to be with a woman for the prospect of potential mating. Don't kid yourself to pretend it is something else.


Speak for yourself, I guess. While you may personally find it impossible to develop a friendship with a woman without eventually trying to boink her, there are plenty of people who can and do. I have female friends I have zero interest in hooking up with.

Curious though ... do you believe the same go for gay men and women? Can a gay guy have male buddies he isn't trying to screw? Can a lesbian have female friends with whom she won't eventually try to get into bed?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thor

Yes, as a man I do have some platonic relationships. These are women who are either not at all sexually attractive to me or who I have learned I do not want to cause problems.

As a general rule, it is not possible to have a pure of heart platonic relationship with 99% of attractive women. Whatever is attractive to each man is the key.

I am acquainted with some attractive women who are married. I am friends with women who are married to friends and neighbors. I work with some attractive women. All of these are off-limits to me even though I find them attractive. So there is the thought that getting naked with them might be fun, but I reject the idea at the outset.

The threat is attractive available women. Nature makes it impossible to have a close friendship without the specter of sex taking control of motivations. It is important to keep strong personal boundaries as a man to keep from letting things get too personal or familiar.


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## ocotillo

The question seems to break down into the categories of those who have/have had platonic relationships vs. those who haven't.

Even for those who haven't, I'd be willing to bet that you had cousins, sisters, or other female relations who grew up to be attractive women, but you never, ever saw them in that light. 

Humans have some pretty strong psychological barriers in place (They're called "Incest avoidance mechanisms") that turn the biological aspect of a male/female relationship off almost completely when necessary. And it's entirely possible for the kin-recognition reflex to be triggered for people who are not technically family.


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## that_girl

Friendships that are casual? Sure.

Close friendships? No.

I'm a woman.

Although I do have close male friends....somewhere in our past, there were feelings that we didn't act on...but it was rough for a while. I haven't made any new male friends since marriage. Just isn't appropriate.


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## EleGirl

Runs like Dog said:


> Sure. In the same way Catholic school girls don't consider anal to be sex.


Um, was this comment necessary? I was a Catholic school girl as were my 4 sisters and many friends. We did not even kow what anal sex was. Nor did we engage in any kind of sex.

There are plenty of non-Catholic school girls who engage in sexual behaviors... why single out Catholics?


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## okeydokie

chapparal said:


> You have already proved that its not possible. LOL


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## that_girl

okeydokie said:


> if the man is gay then yes


I made out with my gay friend once. We were both single and in college...but it did happen. lol. He's still gay. I enjoyed his tongue ring.


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## Runs like Dog

Don't mind me I have typing Tourette's


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## Anubis

Depends on the woman and how you define "platonic".

Men usually divide women up in groups. At one end are the one that hold no attraction for you, at the other end are the ones you wish to grow old together with.

Thor said it well: "As a general rule, it is not possible to have a pure of heart platonic relationship with 99% of attractive women."

However, there is a huge distinction between private and fleeting thoughts and actions we take. Some men have boundaries, and act according to them. Others don't, and make up their decisions on the spot.

I defiantly have a friendship with a single woman that would be a case study for this. I also have very strict boundaries that I place on myself, which among other things honor the relationship I am in, and prevent this friendship from crossing over in EA territory. Both my fiance and this friend get full transparency from me (there are some unusual details, and history with the friend from my teen years), and they get along well. (If they ever gang up on me, I'm in trouble). In a different life, where I never met the woman I am with now, I might explore the possibility of a relationship with the friend (no guarantees it would work out given circumstances). In this life, I feel no inner need to play with fire. What matters to me is that I have these boundaries because I want to be a certain type of person and I'm doing it for myself. And I get respect for this from both of them.

You can't control what you think sometimes, much less that another person thinks. The adult thing, IMHO, is to understand that about people, and judge them on actions. Sometimes my fiance sees a guy and has the thought "what a hunk". It doesn't bother me. She isn't concerned if I see a gal and think "look at those legs" (though she may ask "where did she get those shoes?") We communicate *a lot* and this is one of many, many areas we touch base on. In a relationship with a solid foundation and commitment from both, neither party should have to worry about some random person walking through the door for the first time and sweeping their partner away. Or so I would like to believe.


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## I'mAllIn

I posted this exact same question a little over a month ago while debating this with some friends. I argued yes because my best friend of the last six years was a man I worked with. We spent time together regularly, both alone and with our spouses and in groups, and neither of us had shown any interest in being anything other than just friends in that entire time.

Then about three weeks ago while out for drinks he kissed me and informed me he'd been attracted to me since the day I interviewed at the company we both worked for. Needless to say I no longer think guys bother to spend much time at all with any women thay aren't at least somewhat attracted to.


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## Noel1987

This is rare in cases i have never been in that kinds situation so cant really tell you what you should go for but thanks anyways for sharing


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## WhereAmI

I've had only had one straight male friend that's never given me that "I'm mentally undressing you" vibe, and that's my BIL. At times H has said he worries that he has a crush on me, but I'm confident he doesn't. Our relationship is similar to the one my brother and I have.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## southbound

BigBadWolf said:


> No.
> 
> Work aquaintences, or perhaps friends of "the couple" notwithstanding, but these are not what I personally call "friends", and exist only with deliberate boundries, boundries that are not required in an actual friendship.
> 
> A friendship where there is true bonding, vulnerability, trust, and loyalty, not going to happen between men and woman without generating emotional/sexual bonding that would by any definition cross the line to good old fasioned "attraction".
> 
> Anything we assume or describe is "platonic" between a man and woman is only going to happen with either much deceit or restraint on one side or the other.
> 
> Then if and when something happens and true feelings are revealed, then there is the predictable shock! shock! SHOCK! to hear that this so called platonic friend has "always loved you" or some similar sh!t like that.
> 
> Just a bad idea to be that naive.
> 
> A man invests his time to be with a woman for the prospect of potential mating. Don't kid yourself to pretend it is something else.


:iagree:




that_girl said:


> Friendships that are casual? Sure.
> 
> Close friendships? No.
> 
> I'm a woman.
> 
> Although I do have close male friends....somewhere in our past, there were feelings that we didn't act on...but it was rough for a while. I haven't made any new male friends since marriage. Just isn't appropriate.


:iagree:


Casual friends, sure, but I've known a few people over the years who act just like they were dating, but minus the intimacy. They talk a lot, hang out, buy birthday gifts, but they are just "friends." that just never made any sense to me from a male point of view. It may happen, but I think the guy would always be willing to go further if it were all up to him.


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## Entropy3000

TashaB said:


> Well I'm No longer in contact with former best friend. Was just wondering how you all felt about this topic.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He was your BFF. Very bad idea indeed. It is one thing to have an opposite sex friend. It is another if they are your BFF. Perhaps you should ask that specific question because there is a big difference between having a casual platonic friend and a very intimate BFF. If a womans husband is not her best male friend then that is asking for big trouble. But add to that that the OM is her BFF then forgeddaboutit.

Also you now exist as an example of how you have cheated with your BFF male friend and then have asked your hubby to let him stay your BFF if you promise not to keep on having sex with him.

So the real deal is just how risky is it for a married woman to have a very close male friend? More specifically how risky is it for a married woman to to have a male BFF other than her husband? Then how risky is it for a married woman who cheated with her male BFF over a six month period to continue being BFFs with this same male "friend"? 

Life is shades of gray and it depends on the circumstances of the relationships. How closely bonded they are or can become. It is about risk and the possible threat it has to the "primary" relationship. Sure one can have opposite sex platonic casual friends that are a relatively low risk to a relationship. Make the friends ever more closer and place them in between the spouse and you and have sex with them and then I would say that is pretty risky indeed. 

So we try to establish appropriate boundaries in place and accountability to deal with the shades of gray in life because without boundaries we are left to shoot from the hip depending on how we "feel" at the time. Some of us come with more risk than others. Some need tighter boundaries. But if we rely just on how we feel we may be unduly influenced by our brain chemicals oxytocin and dopamine. I know. Been there. Until I went through withdrawal I was sure I just had a close female friend ... I was wrong. I have better boundaries now.


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## SockPuppet

TashaB said:


> I just recently learned that my former best friend was in love with me for a long time. I've known him over 20 years. Was talking to my girlfriend about this who doesn't know him and she wondered how he could have felt that way for so long and I not know.
> 
> It got me wondering can a guy have a genuine platonic friendship with a woman?


Im a guy and have platonic relationships with women.


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## Chaparral

SockPuppet said:


> Im a guy and have platonic relationships with women.


Do you wonder how they would be in bed?


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## Dadof3

Tasha - shame! - in your situation, NO! You cant have a platonic relationship with a man you've slept with, who wants to replace your man!

Why go down this path like you are fishing for the answer you want to hear?

I think the right answer is depends.


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## Entropy3000

southbound said:


> :iagree:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> :iagree:
> 
> 
> Casual friends, sure, but I've known a few people over the years who *act just like they were dating*, but minus the intimacy. *They talk a lot, hang out, buy birthday gifts, but they are just "friends."* that just never made any sense to me from a male point of view. It may happen, but I think *the guy would always be willing to go further if it were all up to him.*


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

Exactly. It becomes dating which is part of the mating ritual. A slippery slope. I cringe when I hear married women talk about hanging out at guys houses without their husbands and even sleeping over ... especially so they can talk aboiut thier marriages.

I have some good male friends. We don't talk a lot. We certainly are not texting each other. We may buy each other beers from time to time but I am not sending them birthday cards and sending them gifts .... LOL


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## grade_school_love&married

:scratchhead: I don't know about this one. This may be a different discussion but my husband and his ex are supposedly "just friends", but I found emails through FB that proves otherwise. he denies any feelings but will not stop the contact for any reason. They have no kids together and were only together for a couple of years, now she makes him feel guilty about her kids thinking he is their dad. She's wrong for that and it makes me mad as hell that them two have to make it a point to "express feelings" when he is re-married.

No I don't think they can have a platonic relationship. Men thing with their other heads, women think with their hearts, well in most cases. When my husband does something nice for her kids, she has to send him emails saying she loves him. That's messed up!!!


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## Entropy3000

EXs are especially dangerous. Once a person has been intimate with another the path to re-connecting can be short circuited to the extreme. Like minutes. First off everyone already knows that the attraction exists. "Well he had already seen me naked!?"


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## Entropy3000

I'mAllIn said:


> I posted this exact same question a little over a month ago while debating this with some friends. I argued yes because my best friend of the last six years was a man I worked with. We spent time together regularly, both alone and with our spouses and in groups, and neither of us had shown any interest in being anything other than just friends in that entire time.
> 
> Then about three weeks ago while out for drinks he kissed me and informed me he'd been attracted to me since the day I interviewed at the company we both worked for. *Needless to say I no longer think guys bother to spend much time at all with any women thay aren't at least somewhat attracted to.*


Write this down in the book of truisms. Sure guys can be freindly and even helpful. BUT, there is a limit as to how much they are willing to invest of their time and efforts. A heterosexual man is not going to put a large investment in a woman without him being interested.


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## SockPuppet

chapparal said:


> Do you wonder how they would be in bed?


The greatest way to have a satisfying sex life is by not trying to get it. Let it come naturally, and stop leading with the penis.

So in answer to your question, No. I am mostly able to not objectify women, especially my friends. I feel like there is some hidden trust boundary I break when doing that.

Also, when objectifying friends or women in general your penis can become over zealous, and thats a no-no.


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## SockPuppet

Entropy3000 said:


> Write this down in the book of truisms. Sure guys can be freindly and even helpful. BUT, there is a limit as to how much they are willing to invest of their time and efforts. A heterosexual man is not going to put a large investment in a woman without him being interested.


Ill try and hunt down the study itself, but it stated that men only friend women under very specific circumstances.

#1. They find them sexually attractive

#2. They find their friends sexually attractive.


Thats it. Looking back at life, I can say that I am, too one degree or another, physically attracted to the vast majroity of female friends. The non-atractive ons are all: Either women met as co-workers, friends of friends, friends of wife.

That is it.

But just because a guy only makes friends with women he would sleep with doesnt mean thats an impulse he will follow through with, and it doesnt mean that it cant be that simple. Yes, my female friends are sexually attractive, and no that doesnt mean I would take the opportunity if presented.


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## that_girl

Before marriage, I had a lot of male acquaintances.

Some became pretty close. We knew we wouldn't be good couples, but that sexual tension was there. We'd have a night of lovin'  And then be fine and move on with our friendship. Got that mess out of the way.

:rofl: Doesn't work for everyone. I didn't do it with everyone. But sometimes, it's pesky to have that sexual tension just hanging around when you just want to hang out.


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## BigBadWolf

FrankKissel said:


> Speak for yourself, I guess. While you may personally find it impossible to develop a friendship with a woman without eventually trying to boink her, there are plenty of people who can and do. I have female friends I have zero interest in hooking up with.


Two things to consider:

My wife would disapprove, as I would her, any claiming to be "just friends". Playing with fire, not advisable for anyone wanting a successful marriage.

or...

Despite my noble intentions, the woman will try to "boink" me. THis is not just about horny men with no self control, of course.

The "plenty of people who can and do", understand I assume they are just full of sh!t. 

Read this very forum, it is full of tales of affairs that start out because parties involved were naive enough to belive "just friends". 





> Curious though ... do you believe the same go for gay men and women? Can a gay guy have male buddies he isn't trying to screw? Can a lesbian have female friends with whom she won't eventually try to get into bed?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Gay men? Generally my male gay friends and coworkers do not (seem to?) look at me as sexually available, therfore those extra boundries and discretions are not necessary as with a woman.

But I have been made to feel uncomfortable around a gay co-worker and having his partner "drop in" unexpectedly when my coworker and I wanted to grab a meal after working late. I was young and learned a BIG lesson about perception on that one! 

Lesbians? Absolutely not. 

I have been propositioned far too too too many times, and right or wrong, based solely on my own experiences, simply choose to consider any lesbian as bisexual. Keeps me out of trouble! :rofl:


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## grade_school_love&married

Entropy3000 said:


> EXs are especially dangerous. Once a person has been intimate with another the path to re-connecting can be short circuited to the extreme. Like minutes. First off everyone already knows that the attraction exists. "Well he had already seen me naked!?"



Well, on that note, I did find out once I moved here to be with my husband (He came before me by 3 months to get work), That she, my husband and her kids and my husband's mother all went to lunch one day........and he lied to me about it saying it was just her kids, his mom and him. When I got mad about him not telling me the whole truth, he gets all defensive saying, "Who are you to tell me who I can and can't have lunch with", I did tell you, "You just didn't hear it". I know he DID NOT TELL ME.

Just to elaborate on the emails I read.....and I did not "hack" into his FB account, he left it wide open more then once......curiosity got the best of me. Several were dated as far back as June of 2010.......a couple in particular that got my attention was him telling her that she was his best friend, and always will be, and he will never find another like her. He tells her that what he gave up with her, them, the kids, their life and went to, was not worth it....(which was me). He also tells her he could see himself going into eternity with her......:wtf:

In more recent emails, like just in Nov. and Dec. he was thanking her for the "talk last night", and after she tells him that she loves him and doesn't ever say he loves her too, he just says, know your loved. I have also read where she is thanking him for getting her out of yet, another financial hole......and she got herself a new dress for the grandma's funeral!!! And that was AFTER I had done moved here, 1500 miles away.

I am thinking that he HAS tried sleeping with her? Because in heated arguments about it, he says, oh she has morals because of us being married, she won't have him.


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## OhhShiney

TashaB said:


> Well I'm No longer in contact with former best friend. Was just wondering how you all felt about this topic.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is one of those damned if you do damned if you don't situations. Philosophically, I can see that it's possible to have a platonic friend of the opposite sex. Philosophically, I know that asking a person in a committed relationship to end a friendship of any sort could trigger resentment. 

Practically I would say that as a man, I have been on both sides of the situation. I've been in a profession where 90% of the workers are women, and 3/4 of those are lesbian. I became close to many of the workers over the years. As my marriage began to crumble, it was hard to NOT become infatuated with some of them, regardless of their sexual orientation. I did NOT enter into any form of a sexual relationship, but I began to engage in some emotional relationships. I was unhappy at home, and the temptation was hard to resist. I never succumbed to anything physical, but did end up ending my marriage. 

From my experience, I was tempted during a time of unhappiness, and could see that this would be a reason to avoid 
getting myself in a similar situation in the future. 

My ex was friends with a number of men, mostly from work, none of which ever made me feel threatened as the boundaries were well defined. 

However, in my second marriage, my own experiences of being tempted in times of trouble have made me wary of my wife's friendship with an ex husband. This is probably a reflection of my own insecurity and feeling of guilt for how strongly I was tempted AND my feeling if a sexual boundary had been crossed in the past, future contact would be potentially way to tempting. 

My point is that I think well-defined boundaries are needed, and an acknowledgment that such relationships may be troublesome in a time of weakness. I'd have to say that ANY past sexual history would be a no-no.


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## Jellybeans

Its interesting that the person who posted this thread has another thread inCoping with Infidelity all about how she had an affair and sex with her best friend...a man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

Entropy3000 said:


> EXs are especially dangerous. Once a person has been intimate with another the path to re-connecting can be short circuited to the extreme. Like minutes. First off everyone already knows that the attraction exists. "Well he had already seen me naked!?"


Oh I totally agree. My ex, the charming Libra, would always say: "It's not new loves you have to worry about, it's the old ones." He was right.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calif_hope

TashaB, sad to see you posting a question like this considering your very, very recent events. TadhaB what would your recently hurt husband think of this. Why didn't you pose the question: Can a married women maintain a platonic friendship with a man she has known for 20 years AND (important part here) had a sexual affair with thus betraying my husband.

You still can't get over the fact that your husband is upset with you for asking to allow you to have your best friend (affair partner) back un your life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Numb in Ohio

I'm a woman,, and I say NO!

My H had been talking to his ex high school sweetheart (class of 81) and had "hooked up with her twice in 99... and NOW supposedly they are able to talk and it's "just friends"

Whatever!!


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## TashaB

calif_hope said:


> TashaB, sad to see you posting a question like this considering your very, very recent events. TadhaB what would your recently hurt husband think of this. Why didn't you pose the question: Can a married women maintain a platonic friendship with a man she has known for 20 years AND (important part here) had a sexual affair with thus betraying my husband.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I did not ask that question calif_hope because it would be irrelevant. Didn't we already go through this? I tried to keep OM in my life and it made things worse so I now understand it *ISN'T* an option. 

But he was the only close male friendship in my life and I have been wondering lately how I could know him for so long and not have known how he felt. AND if guys even feel that it is possible to have a female friend and not have "those" feelings for her. Which is the reason I started this thread.


----------



## calif_hope

TashaB, it is possible, but all the parties involved must have a level of maturity and an understanding if the real value of friendship. I have a married female best friend, we saw each other through some very rough experiences (same military unit)..........we have a common hobby that our spouses have little interest in.......we text and e-mail often, saying that, I have to state that I would't mind her husband or my SO seeing those e-mails/texts. - or overhearing / recording our conversations because no lines are crossed, not even close.
Well two exceptions - one I was asking for advice and if her husband had the details he would have a field day teasing me......the other, she spent two afternoons with me recently - helping me pick a engagement ring for my HTBW (Hope to be Wife).........
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aug

Once you've had sex with him, the friendship is no longer platonic by the very definition of the word.

So, in your case now you may want to rephrase your question.


In general, the answer is yes it is possible to have platonic relationship with the opposite gender. (But in your case, the answer is "obviously not".)


----------



## Kobo

This question has been repeated numerous times on this board and people have given most of the points I would have. I will say that at a conversation party I went to the women were split 50/50 on this subject. Even the married ones. The men were divided. 100% of married men said that it was not possible to have a male/female friendship without any thought of sex. 100% of the single men there said that male/female relationships without thoughts of sex can happen. Funny how that works.


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## asif.tiv

It's so difficult topic and explain about this in short word. I will appreciate others. who are participating in this debate.


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## Entropy3000

SockPuppet said:


> Ill try and hunt down the study itself, but it stated that men only friend women under very specific circumstances.
> 
> #1. They find them sexually attractive
> 
> #2. They find their friends sexually attractive.
> 
> 
> Thats it. Looking back at life, I can say that I am, too one degree or another, physically attracted to the vast majroity of female friends. The non-atractive ons are all: Either women met as co-workers, friends of friends, friends of wife.
> 
> That is it.
> 
> *But just because a guy only makes friends with women he would sleep with doesnt mean thats an impulse he will follow through with, and it doesnt mean that it cant be that simple.* Yes, my female friends are sexually attractive, and no that doesnt mean I would take the opportunity if presented.


I totally agree. It comes down to boundaries and being aware of the risks involved. As you say using onces head to think and not rely on feelings. i.e. thinking below the belt. 

A "large" investment in time and effort by a man single or married in a married woman would be a concern in my opinion. Where that line is, is debatable surely. If this man is closer to the woman than she is to her husband that is a real red flag. 

Of course men can have reasonably platonic relationships with women and still be sexually attracted to them. Unfortunately the people asking the question may be involved in something else altogether and are trying to justify their friendship that is well into the inappropriate if not unfaithful range.

There is a point at which a relationship can become inapropriate. That likely varies from couple to couple somewhat. But the danger is that things can move into being unfaithful and it can be very difficult to put the genie back in the bottle. So there is risk involved. The changes in that direction are muddied by our feelings and needs.


----------



## jules_999

Hi. I'm a 53 year old married male and for me, it's generally not possible to form a platonic friendship with a new woman. I have been attracted to women since the age of 8 and I guess I'm one male who is wired to wonder what she looks like naked, what she's like to kiss, what she would be like in bed. And for me, this kind of thought crosses a line and is unfair to my wife. That being said, I consider myself friendly, but not friends, with all of my wife's friends and do not pursue new female friendships. Does being friendly with my wife's friends count as a platonic relationship?

I am also very careful in business situations. I always hang out with the married guys and NEVER go to bars alone with single women unless I know several colleagues will be there because being alone in a bar, even with no intent, can lead to trouble.


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## Entropy3000

Kobo said:


> This question has been repeated numerous times on this board and people have given most of the points I would have. I will say that at a conversation party I went to the women were split 50/50 on this subject. Even the married ones. The men were divided. 100% of married men said that it was not possible to have a male/female friendship without any thought of sex. 100% of the single men there said that male/female relationships without thoughts of sex can happen. Funny how that works.


Great post. It says much. So this is why many married men try to c0ckblock. The gap of married women being 50/50 on this causes those married guys concerns. And yes of course the single guys are all about it. They are trying to repoulate the planet. Some would say that the 50/50 is needed by the wives for them to keep their options open ... you know that hypergamy thing. I am not saying that these inclinations are even conscience. I personally believe they are part of our gender wiring to one degree or another and lurk below the surface manifested by chemicals to the brain. We just need to be mature and aware that no one is totally immune.


----------



## CandieGirl

My story is about a man I was friends with from 2001 - 2006. He was always the perfect gentleman. He never crossed that line, not even once. He saw me through a nasty breakup, I cried on his shoulder, still in love with the other guy, and he didn't take advantage; I started dating again, and would tell him about the men I dated, and he would laugh with me about the blokes I dated; he would listen just like any girlfriend. There was never anything between us. We were very close - and I loved him, but NOT romantically. He just wasn't for me, there was zero attraction that way. I was proud of myself for being 'just friends'...or so I thought!He died of cancer in 2006 - it was only then that I was told by his friends and family that he had been in love with me. 

This revelation devastated me; I actually stopped seeing the man I was dating at the time, because I felt such immense guilt and grief, for NOT knowing...how could I not know? It phucked me up for years...and I will never have an opposite sex friend again.


----------



## CH

Jellybeans said:


> Its interesting that the person who posted this thread has another thread inCoping with Infidelity all about how she had an affair and sex with her best friend...a man.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Guys, she left out an important detail. Already posted in the Coping forums, she had sex with the guy once already. He's stalking her and she still wants to be friends with him because they've known each other for 20 years.

Husband wants NC, she says she still wants him as a friend. What is there to talk about........

She has sex with a best friend of 20 years. Realizes it was a mistake, husband forgives her but wants NC.

She says no, she's known him all her life (in other words he's more important to her than her husband PERIOD).

He's stalking her because he's in love with her now, she's scared of who he is right now but still wants him as a friend (most likely to help him out, whatever).

She has clearly stated that she wants the friend over the husband, I hope the husband gets smart and just kicks her to the curb and get it over with because he's being made the fool in all of this IMO. So messed up....


----------



## anotherguy

According to this non-scientific, and humorous survey - you will see the answer is...uhm...'NO'.

Why Men and Women Cant be friends - YouTube


----------



## meson

CandieGirl said:


> My story is about a man I was friends with from 2001 - 2006. He was always the perfect gentleman. He never crossed that line, not even once. He saw me through a nasty breakup, I cried on his shoulder, still in love with the other guy, and he didn't take advantage; I started dating again, and would tell him about the men I dated, and he would laugh with me about the blokes I dated; he would listen just like any girlfriend. There was never anything between us. We were very close - and I loved him, but NOT romantically. He just wasn't for me, there was zero attraction that way. I was proud of myself for being 'just friends'...or so I thought!He died of cancer in 2006 - it was only then that I was told by his friends and family that he had been in love with me.
> 
> This revelation devastated me; I actually stopped seeing the man I was dating at the time, because I felt such immense guilt and grief, for NOT knowing...how could I not know? It phucked me up for years...and I will never have an opposite sex friend again.


Maybe he was a better friend than you thought. Perhaps he knew that you really didn’t feel the same. Perhaps he knew it was better for you both if he put you in the friendzone. I don’t know him but perhaps it was his love for you that enabled him to keep his distance so that his admission of love would not mess up your life and his.

This is true for me. I am friends with a woman whom I also love. It’s a platonic love like that for a relative but its love nevertheless. She will never know that I love her and it’s because I am afraid that will change our relationship. She has a good marriage and I have a good marriage and that information might mess everything up and ruin several lives in the process. My wife who is also my best friend knows and we have boundaries and transparency to manage the risks of this friendship.

So yes some people can be just platonic friends with the opposite sex but it’s not wise to share the feelings one has for the other. This precludes being BFFs with married opposite sex friends.


----------



## toolate

FrankKissel said:


> Of course.
> I've had several female friends with whom I've never been interested in anything beyond friendship. Can't say I've never wondered what it might be like to be more than friends with a few of them, but that doesn't mean I'm somehow compelled to act on those thoughts or even wanted to.
> 
> Some guys see every woman as a potential place to insert their you-know-what. Some don't.
> 
> It goes without saying that a platonic relationship isn't possible when one side or the other wants more than a platonic relationship. You can only "just be friends" is that's what both only want.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You just proved why a man cant have a completely platonic friendship with a woman... an attractive one especially! If the thought crosses your mind... then if the opportunity arises.....bingo. Once you get married, your female friend is your wife. Any and all other females, especially any you either slept with or thought about sleeping with become dangling carrots that need only the right conditions (and stressors in the marriage) to cross a line. If there are women you have never thought "what would she look like naked?" or "what if?" at all.... then you may be able to have some minor platonic friendship. 

but remember, when you chose to marry your wife, you chose for HER to be the ONE you share everything with, so to share those things with another woman is breeching that.

My husband came home and told me he was talking with his employee (a brunette, 24 year old single woman) about how i do something with him to relieve his back pain... Its kind of personal, not kind of actually, it IS personal. Why would he be talking to her about this I thought at the time. So, I told him that its not ok to talk about that kind of stuff with a female coworker period. Not jealous (suspicious maybe after he told me he would find another woman to have sex with and I would never know)... but the thought is always there... is this the one hes doing? Too bad he allowed his insecurity to let him think it was ok to say that and do the things he does. to bad my insecurity allowed me to do what i have done. 

Bottom line: if the thought enters your mind at all... its not platonic even if you dont act on that thought.


----------



## toolate

cheatinghubby said:


> Guys, she left out an important detail. Already posted in the Coping forums, she had sex with the guy once already. He's stalking her and she still wants to be friends with him because they've known each other for 20 years.
> 
> Husband wants NC, she says she still wants him as a friend. What is there to talk about........
> 
> She has sex with a best friend of 20 years. Realizes it was a mistake, husband forgives her but wants NC.
> 
> She says no, she's known him all her life (in other words he's more important to her than her husband PERIOD).
> 
> He's stalking her because he's in love with her now, she's scared of who he is right now but still wants him as a friend (most likely to help him out, whatever).
> 
> She has clearly stated that she wants the friend over the husband, I hope the husband gets smart and just kicks her to the curb and get it over with because he's being made the fool in all of this IMO. So messed up....


In light of reading this additional info about OP's intentions: my bottom line stands! OP... you cannot continue to be married to your husband and friends with this other man you had sex with (even if it was just once). You have crossed a line, a line I know about... you cannot have that friendship and stay married. You have to choose this other man OR your husband.


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## CandieGirl

What it should boil down to is not having any friends who know what me or my husband look like naked, feel like inside...no, no, no, no, NO.


----------



## CandieGirl

meson said:


> Maybe he was a better friend than you thought. Perhaps he knew that you really didn’t feel the same. Perhaps he knew it was better for you both if he put you in the friendzone. I don’t know him but perhaps it was his love for you that enabled him to keep his distance so that his admission of love would not mess up your life and his.
> 
> This is true for me. I am friends with a woman whom I also love. It’s a platonic love like that for a relative but its love nevertheless. She will never know that I love her and it’s because I am afraid that will change our relationship. She has a good marriage and I have a good marriage and that information might mess everything up and ruin several lives in the process. My wife who is also my best friend knows and we have boundaries and transparency to manage the risks of this friendship.
> 
> So yes some people can be just platonic friends with the opposite sex but it’s not wise to share the feelings one has for the other. This precludes being BFFs with married opposite sex friends.


In the end, we both decided that I would be the one to be with him as he crossed over to the other side. That experience alone was life altering - a moment unlike any other. The end of a life; the complete opposite of much celebrated birth! He had so many chances to tell me before he died; and he didn't. I so regret that! I ended up falling in love with him after he died...when it was too late. I slept with a framed photo, some dog tags, and a sweater...for years...Who knows what may have been had he told me? Anyways, in your case - are you sure you'll never tell her? How does your wife feel about this? I don't think I could be as accepting as she...


----------



## FrankKissel

toolate said:


> You just proved why a man cant have a completely platonic friendship with a woman... an attractive one especially! If the thought crosses your mind... then if the opportunity arises.....bingo. Once you get married, your female friend is your wife. Any and all other females, especially any you either slept with or thought about sleeping with become dangling carrots that need only the right conditions (and stressors in the marriage) to cross a line. If there are women you have never thought "what would she look like naked?" or "what if?" at all.... then you may be able to have some minor platonic friendship.
> 
> but remember, when you chose to marry your wife, you chose for HER to be the ONE you share everything with, so to share those things with another woman is breeching that.
> 
> My husband came home and told me he was talking with his employee (a brunette, 24 year old single woman) about how i do something with him to relieve his back pain... Its kind of personal, not kind of actually, it IS personal. Why would he be talking to her about this I thought at the time. So, I told him that its not ok to talk about that kind of stuff with a female coworker period. Not jealous (suspicious maybe after he told me he would find another woman to have sex with and I would never know)... but the thought is always there... is this the one hes doing? Too bad he allowed his insecurity to let him think it was ok to say that and do the things he does. to bad my insecurity allowed me to do what i have done.
> 
> Bottom line: if the thought enters your mind at all... its not platonic even if you dont act on that thought.


With all due respect, that's just plain silly. 
As human beings, we are defined by how we act,not how we think. And we possess the free will to choose how we act. That includes the ability to choose, or not choose, to act on every thought or impluse that crosses our mind. Just because one wonders what it might be like to (fill in the blank ... rob a bank, see a woman naked, punch your atrocious boss in the nose, tell off your nosy in-laws, quit your job) does not mean you're ever going to act it. I mean, sheesh, is your impulse control really so poor? Mine isn't.

I'm fully capable of drawing boundaries in my relationships with others - men and women - and adhering to them. If you feel you and your husband are not - or that the only boundary is to have no relationships at all - that's entirely your perogative. Whatever works for you is fine by me.
But please hop off your high horsde and don't lecture those of us who can have opposite-sex friendships as if we're somehow doing something wrong or on the cusp of cheating. I've been with my wife 24 years now, and married for 15, and had female friends the entire time. Never has it caused a problem in the relationship with my wife. Perhaps it would for a guy with poor impulse control or a lack of respect for his wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog

If one or both of them are gay, ugly and smell bad.


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## Enchantment

I am sure there are people who can have platonic friendships with members of the opposite sex. Just as there are those who think they have a platonic friendship with a member of the same sex and may find out the other person harbors more than a platonic interest. There are all kinds of degrees and permutations possible.

The question, to me anyway, isn't whether it is possible for you to have a platonic friendship, but whether it is appropriate for you to so do. And in many cases, when you are in a maritial relationship and you need to put the needs of your spouse and marriage as paramount, it may not appropriate for you to pursue those friendships.


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## CandieGirl

Enchantment said:


> I am sure there are people who can have platonic friendships with members of the opposite sex. Just as there are those who think they have a platonic friendship with a member of the same sex and may find out the other person harbors more than a platonic interest. There are all kinds of degrees and permutations possible.
> 
> The question, to me anyway, isn't whether it is possible for you to have a platonic friendship, but whether it is appropriate for you to so do. *And in many cases, when you are in a maritial relationship and you need to put the needs of your spouse and marriage as paramount, it may not appropriate for you to pursue those friendships.*


Amen...! :iagree:


----------



## BigBadWolf

FrankKissel said:


> And we possess the free will to choose how we act.



Quick, don't waste another minute, get to the coping with infidelity forum, and tell all the waywards and betrayed spouses to just just "freewill choose"  to end any and all destructive behaviors that are causing them grief and heartbreak!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seriously, have you really given much thought to your position, particularly concerning what happens in affairs when dopamine, serotonin, and norepinephrine are flowing?


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## akira1

Sure! As the internet says, only if:
1. You're gay.
2. You're not attracted to each other.
3. You're looking for someone better looking.


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## FrankKissel

BigBadWolf said:


> Quick, don't waste another minute, get to the coping with infidelity forum, and tell all the waywards and betrayed spouses to just just "freewill choose"  to end any and all destructive behaviors that are causing them grief and heartbreak!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> Seriously, have you really given much thought to your position, particularly concerning what happens in affairs when dopamine, serotonin, and norepinephrine are flowing?


Oh, give me a break. People CHOOSE to be faithful or unfaithful. Stop making excuses for people who lack self control, feel entitled and CHOOSE to act badly. "Gee honey, I didn't want to bang my secretary on my desk. The dopamine made me do it."
"Gosh, dear, I really didn't want my trainer's **** in my mouth, but the oxycontin was running to high for me to say no."
What. A. Joke.

Every affair is the result of multiple conscious choices to cross acceptable boundaries. I'm not saying dopamine, etc., don't exist, but that only happens well AFTER those conscious choices are made.

Good lord, what ever happened to personal accountability? Are we really just two-legged jellyfish who float wherever the waves of our hormones choose to take us?

Apparently not, because the fact is the large majority of married people don't cheat. Which means, fortunately, we're not the slaves to our impulses and hormones that you claim. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## OOE

FrankKissel said:


> Oh, give me a break. People CHOOSE to be faithful or unfaithful. Stop making excuses for people who lack self control, feel entitled and CHOOSE to act badly. "Gee honey, I didn't want to bang my secretary on my desk. The dopamine made me do it."
> "Gosh, dear, I really didn't want my trainer's **** in my mouth, but the oxycontin was running to high for me to say no."
> What. A. Joke.
> 
> Every affair is the result of multiple conscious choices to cross acceptable boundaries. I'm not saying dopamine, etc., don't exist, but that only happens well AFTER those conscious choices are made.
> 
> Good lord, what ever happened to personal accountability? Are we really just two-legged jellyfish who float wherever the waves of our hormones choose to take us?
> 
> Apparently not, because the fact is the large majority of married people don't cheat. Which means, fortunately, we're not the slaves to our impulses and hormones that you claim.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't want my boys to drink (at least until they're legal). Therefore, I don't keep alcohol in the house.

If I had alcohol in the house and caught my oldest drinking, would I be upset with him? You'd better believe it. Would there be consequences? Absolutely. Do I think that since I don't have alcohol in the house that he'll never drink while underage? Um... no!

Removing the alcohol from the house adds a layer of protection.

So does limiting other-sex friendships/contact while married.


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## AFEH

I tried it one time. Was going through some introspection and realised all my female friends were family. So I set out to make three non family female friends. Wife said she was ok with it, she wasn’t. And no matter what I told the women they thought I wanted more than what I was saying and wouldn’t leave me alone when I said no. Always been my problem that, women only wanting me for sex. Some seven years later there’s still one that chases me occasionally. I’ve had to have t-shirts printed with “Stay Away From Me” on them. And still they come on to me and wont leave me alone.


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## FrankKissel

OOE said:


> Removing the alcohol from the house adds a layer of protection.
> 
> So does limiting other-sex friendships/contact while married.


And if you and your wife believe your relationship required that extra layer of protection, that's fine. I'm not suggesting you are right or wrong. Whatever works for you works for you.

But what's wrong is to suggest what works for you - or what hasn't worked for others - is what works/doesn't work for everyone.
Opposite sex friendships are neither inherently good or bad. It's how some people deal with those friendships that causes trouble.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BigBadWolf

Juggling flaming batons while standing in a pool of gasoline isn't necessarilly good or bad either.

But if you don't want to get burned, don't play with fire. 


You MAYBE can control yourself. Point taken.

Can you control your spouse?

Can you control your opposite sex friend?


AFEH is exactly right. I have been ambushed very often by so called female "friends" more time than I care to remember. 

IT's too typical that someone involved has a different idea of what they want from a relationship, this forum sadly is a strong testament to this.


----------



## worldwide

worldwide said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hormones play a huge role in behavior. How else do you explain PMS or Menopause? I'll be sure to let my SO know that she is making a conscientious decision to be cranky and irritable every 30 days.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## CandieGirl

FrankKissel said:


> Oh, give me a break. People CHOOSE to be faithful or unfaithful. Stop making excuses for people who lack self control, feel entitled and CHOOSE to act badly. "Gee honey, I didn't want to bang my secretary on my desk. The dopamine made me do it."
> "Gosh, dear, I really didn't want my trainer's **** in my mouth, but the oxycontin was running to high for me to say no."
> What. A. Joke.
> 
> Every affair is the result of multiple conscious choices to cross acceptable boundaries. I'm not saying dopamine, etc., don't exist, but that only happens well AFTER those conscious choices are made.
> 
> Good lord, what ever happened to personal accountability? Are we really just two-legged jellyfish who float wherever the waves of our hormones choose to take us?
> 
> Apparently not, because the fact is the large majority of married people don't cheat. Which means, fortunately, we're not the slaves to our impulses and hormones that you claim.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:lol:

:soapbox:

Seriously....get down....


----------



## FrankKissel

worldwide said:


> Hormones play a huge role in behavior. How else do you explain PMS or Menopause? I'll be sure to let my SO know that she is making a conscientious decision to be cranky and irritable every 30 days.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And if your SO starts sleeping with a co-worker or the guy next door, be sure to let her know it's not her fault and not to feel bad about it. And certaqinly don't get upset about it yourself. Her hormones made her do it, after all. 

Because, yeah, PMS-induced crankiness and carrying out a sexual affair are pretty much the same thing. Excellent analogy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## worldwide

FrankKissel said:


> And if your SO starts sleeping with a co-worker or the guy next door, be sure to let her know it's not her fault and not to feel bad about it. And certaqinly don't get upset about it yourself. Her hormones made her do it, after all.
> 
> Because, yeah, PMS-induced crankiness and carrying out a sexual affair are pretty much the same thing. Excellent analogy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_[/
> 
> Sarcasm. Maybe I should have added a smiley face. All I am saying is that you shouldn't discount the impact of hormones or other chemicals on behavior. Much worse results than affairs can have been significantly attributed to hormonal imbalances (I.e. Actions taken due to post-partum).
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## FrankKissel

worldwide said:


> Sarcasm. Maybe I should have added a smiley face. All I am saying is that you shouldn't discount the impact of hormones or other chemicals on behavior. Much worse results than affairs can have been significantly attributed to hormonal imbalances (I.e. Actions taken due to post-partum).
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Post partum is a form of clinical depression, i.e. a real medical illness. Numerous studies have shown it's not simply a hormonal issue. If it were, it would affect far more women than it does. And PPD is hardly comparable from the dose of dopamine one gets from a new love interest.

I'm not discounting hormones as a factor. I'm discounting notions that hormones subjugate one's free will and ability to chose and control one's actions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BigBadWolf

FrankKissel said:


> I'm discounting notions that hormones subjugate one's free will and ability to chose and control one's actions.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Free will, is a concept, an idea, a construct of the imagination. Like a "soul mate", "destiny", or "santa claus".

Hormones, on the contrary, they are real.

In fact, Testosterone, a hormone, it is blamed for all sorts of interesting behavior.


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## ducksauce

I think it's possible depending on the person. I don't have many female friends but there was one that kept dropping hints that she was interested but I never got a clue. Later, she just straight out told me she wanted to be with me but I made it clear that I never saw her in that way because I was interested in another girl. She was attractive and we were close too.

As long as both parties respect each others' boundaries it's possible.


----------



## Conrad

ducksauce said:


> I think it's possible depending on the person. I don't have many female friends but there was one that kept dropping hints that she was interested but I never got a clue. Later, she just straight out told me she wanted to be with me but I made it clear that I never saw her in that way because I was interested in another girl. She was attractive and we were close too.
> 
> As long as both parties respect each others' boundaries it's possible.


Your example indicates that it isn't.


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## Enchantment

BigBadWolf said:


> Free will, is a concept, an idea, a construct of the imagination. Like a "soul mate", "destiny", or "santa claus".
> 
> Hormones, on the contrary, they are real.
> 
> In fact, Testosterone, a hormone, it is blamed for all sorts of interesting behavior.


I most assuredly believe in such a thing as free will. At least as it is defined in the following as "free and independent choice; voluntary decision": 

Free will | Define Free will at Dictionary.com

Hormones, indeed are real - I know that only all too well since mine are in a cratered state of imbalance.  But, what else is real is your mind and your thoughts and indeed your actions. Without those mankind would be as lowly as the lowest animal - you would not be able to walk down the street with the testosterone running through your veins without jumping every female in sight and fighting every male. But, since you don't do that, there must be something other than your hormones that are allowing you to control yourself DESPITE them.

I, however, do agree with you that I do not believe in 'soul mates' - or there being only a single person that you can love in your lifetime, and I've no idea about destiny. No Santa Claus?  Darn.


----------



## Anubis

FrankKissel said:


> Oh, give me a break. People CHOOSE to be faithful or unfaithful. Stop making excuses for people who lack self control, feel entitled and CHOOSE to act badly. "Gee honey, I didn't want to bang my secretary on my desk. The dopamine made me do it."
> "Gosh, dear, I really didn't want my trainer's **** in my mouth, but the oxycontin was running to high for me to say no."
> What. A. Joke.
> 
> Every affair is the result of multiple conscious choices to cross acceptable boundaries. I'm not saying dopamine, etc., don't exist, but that only happens well AFTER those conscious choices are made.
> 
> Good lord, what ever happened to personal accountability? Are we really just two-legged jellyfish who float wherever the waves of our hormones choose to take us?
> 
> Apparently not, because the fact is the large majority of married people don't cheat. Which means, fortunately, we're not the slaves to our impulses and hormones that you claim.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree: 

Took the words right out of my fingers.

Who or What is to blame for our actions if not ourselves?


----------



## NaturalHeart

TashaB said:


> I did not ask that question calif_hope because it would be irrelevant. Didn't we already go through this? I tried to keep OM in my life and it made things worse so I now understand it *ISN'T* an option.
> 
> But he was the only close male friendship in my life and I have been wondering lately how I could know him for so long and not have known how he felt. AND if guys even feel that it is possible to have a female friend and not have "those" feelings for her. Which is the reason I started this thread.


 
 I commented in her other thread that I saw this and said this topic would not apply to her because she has not been platonic with her male friend.


----------



## Dexter Morgan

TashaB said:


> I just recently learned that my former best friend was in love with me for a long time. I've known him over 20 years. Was talking to my girlfriend about this who doesn't know him and she wondered how he could have felt that way for so long and I not know.
> 
> It got me wondering can a guy have a genuine platonic friendship with a woman?


And is there a reason you don't think other people have read your other thread and know that you actually had sex with this guy and cheated on your H with him?

Its odd, you ask if you can have a platonic relationship with a male friend that you already crossed the line with.

But to answer the question, sure you can absolutely have a platonic friendship with the opposite sex, but once you cheat on your spouse with that person, then you shouldn't have ANY relationship with that person from then on out, unless you don't care that you will be disrespecting your spouse.


----------



## Initfortheduration

Man she is looking for the "Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval" isn't she? She will cheat again. She is evasive, manipulative, narcissistic, entitled, and self centered. She will search out positive reinforcement until she gets that seal. Then katy bar the door. She will reignite the affair and end up on his shaft within the week.


----------



## Chaparral

I think this thread has definitely gone overboard. Let it die.


----------



## ducksauce

Conrad said:


> Your example indicates that it isn't.


But we remained friends, nothing came of it.


----------



## Dadof3

chapparal said:


> I think this thread has definitely gone overboard. Let it die.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Yea, I think she left the building about two weeks ago, tail tucked in-between her legs. Don't think Tasha's coming back!


----------



## NaturalHeart

Dadof3 said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree:
> 
> Yea, I think she left the building about two weeks ago, tail tucked in-between her legs. Don't think Tasha's coming back!


 
But she will return under a new name and ask questions similar to what she posted here as well as "slept with best friend thread". The name may change but that twisted thinking will always reveal the person


----------



## that_girl

I had platonic relationships with men.

After we got sex out of the way.

:rofl:


----------



## nice777guy

ducksauce said:


> But we remained friends, nothing came of it.


And you aren't dead yet either!


----------



## nice777guy

that_girl said:


> I had platonic relationships with men.
> 
> After we got sex out of the way.
> 
> :rofl:


Was kind of thinking the same thing - just in reverse / guytalk!

"Was platonic up until I thought I had a chance to SCORE!!!"


----------



## Dexter Morgan

Dadof3 said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree:
> 
> Yea, I think she left the building about two weeks ago, tail tucked in-between her legs. *Don't think Tasha's coming back*!


I agree. This place is for those that respect the sanctity of marriage. Not for those who want to see how much disrespect they think they should be able to exhibit in a marriage.


----------



## JustaJerk

It _is_ possible, but sometimes given certain circumstances there is that small chance of it developing into something more. 

There are alot of stories on here where a person turns to their "friend" for comfort during a time of personal struggle, and it developes into "_those types_" of friendships. KWIM.

Its a boundary issue. Some people have poor bounderies.


----------



## alphaomega

I'm friends with a lot of women at work


For some reason, I want to have sex with them all. Sometimes, even all at the same time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TashaB

Thanks everyone for your replies. I think several here have made very valid points, IF there are clear boundaries then female and male friendships can be maintained as platonic only. Those who have weak boundaries shouldn't play with temptation. 

Those of you who don't think it could work, i'm curious, do you think bi-sexual people should not have friends at all?


----------



## CH

TashaB said:


> Thanks everyone for your replies. I think several here have made very valid points, IF there are clear boundaries then female and male friendships can be maintained as platonic only. Those who have weak boundaries shouldn't play with temptation.
> 
> Those of you who don't think it could work, i'm curious, do you think bi-sexual people should not have friends at all?


Everyone can have friends, but you can't be friends with the person you slept with while married to your husband/wife.

Unless you're both swingers or he's into being a cuckold, if that's the case then game on.


----------



## Dexter Morgan

TashaB said:


> Thanks everyone for your replies. I think several here have made very valid points, IF there are clear boundaries then female and male friendships can be maintained as platonic only. Those who have weak boundaries shouldn't play with temptation.
> 
> Those of you who don't think it could work, i'm curious, do you think bi-sexual people should not have friends at all?


Once again, you question means nothing seeing as how you are asking the question as if you did not step over the line with a so-called friend.

You cheated. Therefore through your own actions you already answered the question. You can't be friends with this other guy and respect your husband. End of story.

Again, sure two people can have a platonic relationship. You already had a non-platonic relationship with your so-called "friend" behind your husband's back.


----------



## bkkchris64

My wife insists her male friend is purely platonic. Here is my story, please feel free to comment.

She: 27 years old, very attractive.
Him: 25 years old, very attractive
Me: 47 years old, used to be attractive, but still fit, have all my hair, slightly graying.

Married 3 years, together 6 years. No kids no previous issues ever.

I was working away from home and she took up a friendship with this platonic friend. They went to the gym, shared lunches and a tour of a tourist spot in town.

While I was away she did mention the gym and a "by the way" a friend I met told me about it. That friend turned out to be him.

Upon my return I discovered the following:

-They were working out together.
-They were texting each other while my wife and I were on vacation.
-A text from him said "i miss u"
-He visited my home and each of them had the opportunity to tell me but neither did.
-She had the opportunity to come clean on all of the above and didnt until a few days after I asker her.
-He clearly knew the platonic relationship was causing serious problems and did not attempt to call me to explain.
-She told me she ceased all contact with him but I found out otherwise.
-She says the entire friendship was innocent and she was unaware of the potential problems it might cause.

My wife does have a few long time gay male platonic gay friends. One of them is very close to her and he visiits our home and has even spent the night. I am not worried in the least bit about him. He is clearly gay and not a threat in my opinion. Her "friend" that has caused the problem is 6' 4'', a part time male model and is clearly not gay. I have met him, he is a very nice guy and it appears he is just friends with my wife, but the term "friends with benefits" keeps going through my mind.

Thoughts and comments are welcome.


----------



## costa200

bkkchris64 said:


> My wife insists her male friend is purely platonic. Here is my story, please feel free to comment.
> 
> She: 27 years old, very attractive.
> Him: 25 years old, very attractive
> Me: 47 years old, used to be attractive, but still fit, have all my hair, slightly graying.
> 
> Married 3 years, together 6 years. No kids no previous issues ever.
> 
> I was working away from home and she took up a friendship with this platonic friend. They went to the gym, shared lunches and a tour of a tourist spot in town.
> 
> While I was away she did mention the gym and a "by the way" a friend I met told me about it. That friend turned out to be him.
> 
> Upon my return I discovered the following:
> 
> They were working out together.
> They were texting each other while my wife and I were on vacation.
> A text from him said "i miss u"
> He visited my home and each of them had the opportunity to tell me but neither did.
> She had the opportunity to come clean on all of the above and didnt until a few days after I asker her.
> He clearly knew the platonic relationship was causing serious problems and did not attempt to call me to explain.
> She told me she ceased all contact with thim but I found out otherwise.
> She says the entire friendship was innocent and she was unaware of the potential problems it might cause
> 
> Of course this bothers me very much. Thoughts and comments are welcome.


You're a guy. You know what is going on. You have been lied to and your wife is now sneaking behind your back contacting this guy. Does this sound like an "innocent friendship" to you?

There is no such thing between two mutually attractive opposite sex people. Up to you if you want to allow this other guy to step into your marriage.


----------



## bkkchris64

Yes exactly what I think as well. I guess it's really hard to see through the cloud of love. Thanks for the comment.


----------



## bahbahsheep

I dont think men can be platonic friends with women. I think they are just being platonic to wait for the opportunity to get into your panties!

All the men I have known are the same and forget about the woman leading the man on story line - if the male was in the right mindset, he would not have perceived it as leading on. I think men jsut use this as an excuse to justify their wrongs.

I am a female.


----------



## bkkchris64

bahbahsheep said:


> I dont think men can be platonic friends with women. I think they are just being platonic to wait for the opportunity to get into your panties!
> 
> All the men I have known are the same and forget about the woman leading the man on story line - if the male was in the right mindset, he would not have perceived it as leading on. I think men jsut use this as an excuse to justify their wrongs.
> 
> I am a female.


Yes agree as well. In this particular case, the man involved and I had a chat. he mentioned a few key phrases that let his true intentions show.

1. "I was drunk when I first saw and approached her"
2. "I now have a girlfriend so dont worry"

In response to excuse number 1. this let me know he was apologizing for hitting on my wife.

Number 2. He now has a girlfriend so he is not actively seeking my wife.

Funny the innocent guy took off for hong kong soon after. My wife must have told him what I do for a living.

Thanks for the insight bahbahsheep


----------



## bahbahsheep

bkkchris64 said:


> Yes agree as well. In this particular case, the man involved and I had a chat. he mentioned a few key phrases that let his true intentions show.
> 
> 1. "I was drunk when I first saw and approached her"
> 2. "I now have a girlfriend so dont worry"
> 
> In response to excuse number 1. this let me know he was apologizing for hitting on my wife.
> 
> Number 2. He now has a girlfriend so he is not actively seeking my wife.
> 
> Funny the innocent guy took off for hong kong soon after. My wife must have told him what I do for a living.
> 
> Thanks for the insight bahbahsheep


interesting Chris. I am from Hong Kong too. 


over the course of my life, 3 men has tried to get me drunk and initiate a sexual encounter with me but everytime I am not quite that drunk enough to succumb to them so I think I have seen enough sinister in life. 

Men really do think that they can do anything and claim that they passed out (not knowing what happened) after a drunken session but I am more concerned about their lack of respect for woman.


----------



## bkkchris64

bahbahsheep said:


> interesting Chris. I am from Hong Kong too.
> 
> 
> over the course of my life, 3 men has tried to get me drunk and initiate a sexual encounter with me but everytime I am not quite that drunk enough to succumb to them so I think I have seen enough sinister in life.
> 
> Men really do think that they can do anything and claim that they passed out (not knowing what happened) after a drunken session but I am more concerned about their lack of respect for woman.


Yes sure do agree about lack of respect. Coincidentally she claimed her platonic friend lacked respect for women. I wonder how she discovered that trait ?......


----------



## shenox

the answer is NO


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

bkkchris64 said:


> My wife insists her male friend is purely platonic. Here is my story, please feel free to comment.
> 
> She: 27 years old, very attractive.
> Him: 25 years old, very attractive
> Me: 47 years old, used to be attractive, but still fit, have all my hair, slightly graying.
> 
> Married 3 years, together 6 years. No kids no previous issues ever.
> 
> I was working away from home and she took up a friendship with this platonic friend. They went to the gym, shared lunches and a tour of a tourist spot in town.
> 
> While I was away she did mention the gym and a "by the way" a friend I met told me about it. That friend turned out to be him.
> 
> Upon my return I discovered the following:
> 
> -They were working out together.
> -They were texting each other while my wife and I were on vacation.
> -A text from him said "i miss u"
> -He visited my home and each of them had the opportunity to tell me but neither did.
> -She had the opportunity to come clean on all of the above and didnt until a few days after I asker her.
> -He clearly knew the platonic relationship was causing serious problems and did not attempt to call me to explain.
> -She told me she ceased all contact with him but I found out otherwise.
> -She says the entire friendship was innocent and she was unaware of the potential problems it might cause.
> 
> My wife does have a few long time gay male platonic gay friends. One of them is very close to her and he visiits our home and has even spent the night. I am not worried in the least bit about him. He is clearly gay and not a threat in my opinion. Her "friend" that has caused the problem is 6' 4'', a part time male model and is clearly not gay. I have met him, he is a very nice guy and it appears he is just friends with my wife, but the term "friends with benefits" keeps going through my mind.
> 
> Thoughts and comments are welcome.


Put your foot down and demolish that friendship! For goodness sakes this could easily turn into an affair if it already hasn't emotionally. There's nothing innocent about their friendship. It sounds more like an emotional affair.

I said earlier in this post that I do not agree with friends of the opposite sex period! Platonic or not!


----------



## bkkchris64

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Put your foot down and demolish that friendship! For goodness sakes this could easily turn into an affair if it already hasn't emotionally. There's nothing innocent about their friendship. It sounds more like an emotional affair.
> 
> I said earlier in this post that I do not agree with friends of the opposite sex period! Platonic or not!


I did end it for them. Funny thing about this "friendship" is if I had not pulled the strings on some clues, I dont think they would have ever told me and it would be blossoming as we speak. I'm now back outside of the country and working. I have moved her out of our house and into an apartment closer to her family. She has started a new job. I am not happy with her and am leaning towards a divorce. These things don't sit well with me and I don't tolerate them.


----------



## BrockLanders

If I weren't married I'd bang just about any female friend I have as they're all pretty (I've never cultivated a friend relationship with any female who I didn't find attractive, I wonder why????)


----------



## bollywoodboy

A man can only have a platonic friendship with a woman they are not attracted to. Otherwise millions of years of evolution will put that man on a very slippery slope should there come a time when an opportunity arises to take that relationship physical.


----------



## oldgeezer

TashaB said:


> I just recently learned that my former best friend was in love with me for a long time. I've known him over 20 years. Was talking to my girlfriend about this who doesn't know him and she wondered how he could have felt that way for so long and I not know.
> 
> It got me wondering can a guy have a genuine platonic friendship with a woman?


The answer is yes. 

And it's up to him to do so. Geez, YOU HAD A PLATONIC FRIENDSHIP with the guy. He never once put moves on you or any such thing, and buried it so as to keep the friendship in place. 

Been there. High school friend. Other guys in school mad as hell at me because I got to enjoy the company of someone I really enjoyed as person - but she was as hot as hell and they thought me being friends was blocking them from getting a date with her. 

Now, seriously, I shared 3 years of high school with her and I had the most agonizing, heart-rending crush on her by my senior year, but she not on me, so we were friends and I never once did anything to hurt that. Good friends are amazingly hard to come by, you know. 

I never told her until almost 30 years later. She was shocked. 

Of course, that was then, and this is now, and it's all water under the bridge. It's NATURAL for guys to fall that way. Doesn't mean they will act on it, or not value true friendship. It's all about what you do, not what you feel. To this day, I consider her one of the most trustworthy and awesome people I ever got to know. But crush? That was decades ago and probably just raging hormones, the friendship and respect endures.


----------



## Wazza

I'm pondering this a lot right now. When I first started reading on TAM I got very excited about EA's. I'm now working through this and getting back to a point of balance.

Most of my close friends who I can really talk to have been female. That's just how it is. There are certainly dangers to this, and it needs to be managed and restrictions put in place. 

Number 1 is nothing is hidden from my wife. If I have to hide it from her there's a problem.

Number 2 is boundaries that stop several steps short of a danger situation, so something doesn't "just happen".

Number 3 is making sure my marriage is stronger than any other relationship. If my marriage were to go through rough times again I'd have to be very careful what relationships I formed with other women.

I have faith in my ability to say no to an affair when I am thinking. The danger is leaving a ***** that can cause me to fall in a moment of weakness.


----------



## oldgeezer

You're right. Nothing "just happens". Everyone makes the choices they make and the 'I didn't mean for it to happen" line might be technically true, but the "I let it happen and went along with it" actions did. Those are CHOICES. We make them. And if you set yourself up for this stuff, you'll get stung by it. 

Can a guy have a platonic friendship with a woman? Of course. Absolutely. But using one to do all the things you should do inside a marriage - confide, comiserate, get emotional strength - this is not how you create a platonic friendship during a personal crisis. This is how you create a need for that person - a marriage ending proposition - or at least it very, very easily can be.


----------



## Wazza

oldgeezer said:


> But using one to do all the things you should do inside a marriage - confide, comiserate, get emotional strength - this is not how you create a platonic friendship during a personal crisis. This is how you create a need for that person - a marriage ending proposition - or at least it very, very easily can be.


I need my friends. I confide, commiserate and get emotional strength from them. I think it's a bit more subtle than what you are saying, though I believe i get your point.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

YupItsMe said:


> Answers to this question are always disturbing.
> 
> I (male) have many female friends. Im not attracted to most of them. A few are very attractive. When I was single, I would have tried to sleep with them because they are hot.
> 
> I dont think about them that way now because my boundaries are understood. If they feel differently about me and it becomes an issue, I shut it off.
> 
> I love my wife. One of my top 5 responsibilties and promises frankly is to help my wife to feel secure and know to me, she is the sexiest, most desireable woman alive.


This gave me lots of peace of mind - my BF was out late with some guy friends he rarely sees, went to his favorite bar where the bartender is a very good female friend. I got a text at 4:30am that he was home and saw on FB that the group had moved to a mutual male friends' house - my guess is they stayed at the bar until closing then moved the party to friends' house.

It really bothered me and I have no reason to suspect anything - she is 12 years younger and fairly hot though. He was honest about where he was and I know how he feels about cheating after being cheated ON in his marriage. This is probably more about my personal insecurities. He's a stand-up guy.


----------



## dixieangel

I don't believe it's possible. I've tried so many times and at 45 years old, I give up. I do not have male friends because it always turns sexual.


----------



## 2ntnuf

No. Not gonna work. Even the women I thought I could have one with, turned out to have a crush on me. I just didn't realize it for a while.


----------



## DangerousCurves

No.


----------



## See_Listen_Love

Yes of course you can. It is a matter of boundaries, if you are not aware of these an EA can grow on you. 

You have to accept the vision of evolutionary biology on this matter, men are programmed to spread their genes and react on certain triggers. If you understand this you can be aware of the danger and avoid problem area's.

That a lot of people are conscious or unconscious open to other relations is a different point.


----------



## mswalker

It's been my experience that it isn't possibly for an extended period of time, unless they are a "family friend". Men would become my platonic good friends, and then after a couple of years flip out because it didn't progress into something romantic. Maybe as we get older this changes, but so far (and I'm 45) there's been an ulterior motive to every friendly gesture.


----------



## mswalker

It's been my experience that it isn't possible for an extended period of time, unless they are a "family friend". Men would become my platonic good friends, and then after a couple of years flip out because it didn't progress into something romantic. Maybe as we get older this changes, but so far (and I'm 45) there's been an ulterior motive to every friendly gesture.


----------



## 45188

No. They will always end up wanting her. Always. They won't always act on it, but the thoughts will be there. It's happened to me with like 15-16 different guys and I'm only 28!


----------



## gbrad

kipani said:


> No. They will always end up wanting her. Always. They won't always act on it, but the thoughts will be there. It's happened to me with like 15-16 different guys and I'm only 28!


If they don't act on it then no big deal. No harm no foul. If she is a friend and she is attractive, of course I'm going to think about her in a physical way at times. Whether or friend or not, thats going to happen with attractive women. Doesn't mean there shouldn't be a friendship.


----------



## Caribbean Man

humanbecoming said:


> I think it depends on how the individuals view each other.... My best friend is a woman who is 10 years older. *We met due to mutual interests, and built a strong friendship. Honestly, she became like a big sister to me. *We can spend hours on the phone, chatting on Facebook, or talking. We have spent the night together in hotel rooms, gone out and done things together, etc. there is ABSOLUTELY no attraction in a sexual way, yet on the surface, it could look bad. I made a point to get to know her husband, and became friends with him. She did the same with my wife. There is just no way either of us would disrespect the other, or the other persons marriage by doing something inappropriate, and our spouses know this ever have no issues with our friendship.


I am in a friendship much like this one highlighted here.
One of the persons who mentored me when I was starting my business is a female .
We used to talk for hours,sometimes I would sit in her office way after midnight,and she would explain stuff to me.
We would have lunch ,sometimes even share ideas over a drink. 

She introduced me to some very important people in the the industry,everything a mentor could do. I worked with her to learn the industry for over three years.
There was never , ever anything sexual between us. She is older than I.
Many times we would be at social functions and a another female would ask her about me and she would tell them that I was happily married and not interested [ lol!] even though she was divorced.
She was really generous to me, and I fully respect her and I am extremely grateful to her.
She travels a lot for her shows. I stopped working for her because I wanted to focus on my business and such extensive travelling was out of the question for me. [ China ,Europe etc.] We parted ways , but often kept in touch.

Recently I ran into her and she hugged me and asked how was business , wife etc. I told her it was great. She was genuinely glad for me and even joked that I was giving her competition now. [ I recently tendered for a contract and my tender won over hers.]
But we are great friends. Whenever I'm in need I can count on her.
And there was NEVER anything overtly or covertly sexual between us.


----------



## Wazza

gbrad said:


> If they don't act on it then no big deal. No harm no foul. If she is a friend and she is attractive, of course I'm going to think about her in a physical way at times. Whether or friend or not, thats going to happen with attractive women. Doesn't mean there shouldn't be a friendship.


Agree, with addition of setting boundaries to ensure I don't act.


----------



## 45188

The temptation would never even be there if you guys just stick to male friends and we stick to female friends.


----------



## The Middleman

mswalker said:


> It's been my experience that it isn't possible for an extended period of time, unless they are a "family friend". Men would become my platonic good friends, and then after a couple of years flip out because it didn't progress into something romantic. Maybe as we get older this changes, but so far (and I'm 45) there's been an ulterior motive to every friendly gesture.


No it doesn't get better as we get older, trust me on this one. By nature, men and women are not meant to be friends; we are hard wired to have sex. That's why no good can ever come from an opposite sex friendship.


----------



## gbrad

kipani said:


> The temptation would never even be there if you guys just stick to male friends and we stick to female friends.


I just don't think that is realistic or necessary. People should be able to be friends with other people. There is temptation for different things all over the place. If you are never tempting by anything how do you really know your true personality? (and I don't just mean sex)


----------



## The Middleman

kipani said:


> The temptation would never even be there if you guys just stick to male friends and we stick to female friends.


Very true, but it's the women who get very vocal (my experience) when I say a married woman (or man) should not have opposite sex friends. You should hear the names I get called!


----------



## Maricha75

gbrad said:


> I just don't think that is realistic or necessary. People should be able to be friends with other people. There is temptation for different things all over the place. If you are never tempting by anything how do you really know your true personality? (and I don't just mean sex)


In a perfect world, I would agree...we SHOULD be able to be friends...well, close friends, with the opposite sex. However, if you KNOW there is a huge temptation to stray, why would you put yourself into that situation? Yes, there are temptations all around us. I agree, you can't avoid everything. However, if you can avoid certain temptations by removing yourself from the situation, I'd say that would be better than potentially succumbing because you kept putting yourself into it.



The Middleman said:


> Very true, but it's the women who get very vocal (my experience) when I say a married woman (or man) should not have opposite sex friends. You should hear the names I get called!


Ahhh, sucks when some get so vicious about it. Hubby and I have a few OSF, but none that are close, and none that are solely friends to one and not the other. The ones I DID consider to be close, like family, I no longer speak to because it was a temptation... Yes, I thought of them like family. But the fact is they are NOT family...so it always had that potential. So... they're gone. You won't get any opposition from me regarding OSF...at least not when it comes to CLOSE OSF... or ones who are friends to one, but not the other.


----------



## 45188

The Middleman said:


> Very true, but it's the women who get very vocal (my experience) when I say a married woman (or man) should not have opposite sex friends. You should hear the names I get called!


They're just ignorant or young. Really, I was ignorant until recently. Don't listen to this modern BABBLE about how we're all mature adults and we should be able to be friends. That's just not how our BIOLOGY works.

I made a facebook post about it the other day and the women are all like THIS ISNT TRUE IM FRIENDS WITH SO MANY GUYS - I told them "Do you talk intimately with them? Tell them your secrets? Spend a lot of one on one time with them, texting and on the phone? They wanna have sex with you."

Some disagreed and others were like "Can't be friends unless they're gay."


----------



## Wazza

I suppose as an analogy....I drink alcohol because I can handle it. I know how destructive it can be when it gets out of control, and if I thought I was getting out of control with it I would stop drinking totally.

So, yes, I have sexual thoughts about female friends....but then I have sexual thoughts about strangers. I just draw the lines well short of where it can get out of control with femaie friends, just as I draw strict lines with drinking.


----------



## dixieangel

I really get tired of trying, only to wind up with the stress of being propositioned and having to thwart their effort. Many times, they won't stop even when I tell them it has to stop..they keep hassling me and trying to win me over..or wait for a weakness. Then, finally, they disappear.....it's always the same and I just don't need the trouble. We shouldn't put ourselves in those situations. People that do, especially women, are really naive in most cases, IMO. Live and learn...


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## DocHoliday

This is how a great marriage failed in my story. I have known my H since we were 17. Married right after graduation ( college ). We had a great family, not perfect. But we were very lucky for 23 years.

I know now when a work relationship he had with a female supplier went wrong. I could tell in his demeanor ( tho at the time I was naieve ). It took months and many denials...of course, I WAS the problem... She was his "marriage counselor". What a crock.

I did everything wrong, include blame myself. He does not believe in EA, or did not at this time. 

I do not blame her, he was the married one, She was a supplier, it was her job to gain confidence. Ruined my marriage. Still limping along, but I really never got over his betrayal and actions.

Friendships with opposite sex friends is a dangerous game, especially if there is a spouse and children who depend on you.


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## Caribbean Man

Wazza said:


> I suppose as an analogy....I drink alcohol because I can handle it. I know how destructive it can be when it gets out of control, and if I thought I was getting out of control with it I would stop drinking totally.
> 
> So, yes, I have sexual thoughts about female friends....but then I have sexual thoughts about strangers. I just draw the lines well short of where it can get out of control with femaie friends, just as I draw strict lines with drinking.


:iagree:

I guess based on what I'm reading is some posts, men and women are not made to be friends.......
Something sounds weird about that.

Sexual urges are quite natural,without them we would have been extinct. But the urge to pee is also natural. So too the urge to eat food which visually stimulate the eyes and excite the palate.
But do we stop, bare our genitals and pee whenever we feel the urge?
Of course not. That's why toilets have doors and locks.
Do we eat EVERYTHING that is edible simply because it exites our sensory glands?
Of course not . That's why fitness is a big multi million industry.

Therin lies my logic.
Sexual urges CAN be controlled, all it takes is DISCIPLINE.
Men and women CAN be friends , all it takes is DISCIPLINE .


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## southbound

I suppose it depends on how someone defines "friend." I am single now, and I am around married woman that I label as friends; I mean, we're not enemies. I like the woman that works with me and i consider her a friend, but we don't call, text, visit, share intimate things, or go out to a movie when her husband is too tired. that would just seem like too much. I think when a man and woman start acting like they are dating minus the sex, it can lead to problems.


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## See_Listen_Love

With women and beautiful looks and curves it's like with the Top Gear super cars, you can enjoy the look, the feel, the sound and the enthusiasm of the driver on video without having to own one, drive one, or be obsessed by one.

So the beauty of a woman is a flower for mankind. We don't need to take the flower home to enjoy the beauty of nature.

Real sexy, real dangerous is when you get a deep mental connection with another woman besides your spouse. When you are aware of the male nature to spread your genes everywhere, you know you have to keep a safe distance.


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## MsPATS

I have a guy friend who I am very attracted to but his signals are very confusing. This has been going on for six months. We have dinner together at least twice a week, sometimes he sleeps over, but he sleeps on the couch. We have taken vacations together and share the same room, but don't sleep together. Our friends call us the love birds. We talk for hours together on the phone, some of our discussions are very personal. Some topics I have never discussed with anyone and I am very comfortable talking about these things with him. Sometimes we cry together about sad parts of our lives. He truly is the best friend I've ever had. We are very open with each other. Last week after dinner and drinks, when I returned to the living room, he turned the lights down and had soft music playing. What a setting. When I suggested we sleep together he seemed shocked and I backed off again. I am 58, he is 45. I am widowed, he is divorced. I don't want a platonic relationship, but don't want to lose his friendship. Any suggestions.


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## MrK

Hi MsPats. You should probably start your own thread. But before you do, how long have you known this friend of yours is gay?


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## MsPATS

I don't believe he is gay. If he were gay why would he set up the living room with low lights and soft music? This was not the first time he did that. When he comes to my house he brings wine for us.


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## JTL

My friends and I (both male and female) have discussed this topic a few times. Mostly, we all agree that you cam't really have a true friendship with the opposit sex. Now, this is our opinion based on ourselves. I'm sure there are many people out there that can successfully have and maintain a true platonic friendship with the opposit sex. I'm not sure i could though. I have opposit sex friends, but they are all spouses of my friends which is definitely different. I am comfortable enough to call or text these women from time to time about an issue or question but could never go beyond the ordinary. No deep secrets, no deep conversations. I am really comfortable and close with one spouse in particular. We are close as couples, very good friends. I sometimes think of her as a sister...BUT i still find her attractive and could envision myself having sex with her. No, i don't want to and never would-because i would not put myself or my family (or theirs for that matter) in that position. It is not a "sexual tension" situation either. I understand how it can become easy to fall into sex with a friend when you get to a certain level of comfort and closeness. I choose to not put myself in that position with the opposit sex. When i was young, i had some female friends but if i had the chance, i would have slept with every one of them.


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## StargateFan

This is tough. I only read the first 5 pages. Although I think it is not possible, I have had a few friends that I had absolutely no interest in sexually, some i did. Weird and I cannot explain it. It certainly is dangerous and the whole social media thing makes it even more complicated.

I would say there should be no 1:1 contact except in a very public places and all communications should be available to the respective spouses.


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## arbitrator

It is possible~ but there would be absolutely no physical attraction whatsoever to me, as I'd largely treat her just as I would a sister in the family!


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## bbrad

Yes they can.

I work with a lot of women in my industry, and most are pretty darn good looking. We work many long hours together with deadlines to meet.

I have made a mental note always mention the wife and kids to them, and never discuss certain topics. 

One is sex, another is marital issues, be it mine or theirs. I try to be interested in their SO's. What they are up to where they are working etc.

This way, to me at least, the relationship is always professional. I might have to meet them for lunch or a drink, but always invite my wife, or make sure their SO is also invited. And we meet in a place where we will know other people, and people we my know. 

Seems to work for me at this point. Only been married going on 20 some odd years. Things right now are not going that great between us, but a 180 and some counseling seems to be helping. Man, I miss my wife, I miss us.


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## RandomDude

If she's fkable, nope, never will be platonic
She will be FWB!

But there's plenty who I feel no sexual attraction towards, so they can be friends strictly, and nothing will ever come of it, which is good


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## Caribbean Man

I think to each his own.
Man, be honest with yourself.
Woman, be honest with yourself.

I have more female than male friends and we get along perfectly fine.
I am not tempted to have sex with any one of them and most of all,
They respect themselves, me and my marriage.


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## Soccerfan73

I have more female friends than male ones in my profession. I think it's possible to just be friends. 

But I also make a point of not crossing certain boundaries such as being alone after work or discussing relationship issues. It's a "line in the sand" that I need to have.


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## 2ntnuf

Do you mean friends or acquaintances? I don't get this. Why would anyone think a friendship with someone who is capable of having sex with you, other than your SO, be worth the risk?? 

It(sex) doesn't have to even happen. It may cause suspicions and issues that will fester and cause more issues. Why risk it? Isn't your relationship with your SO more important than that?

Is it that you want to keep a few names on the list of potentials because you figure your relationship is going to fail someday anyway?(due to statistics)

Is anyone reading what is on this site? It is a bad idea. There are so many reasons for the cheaters to cheat. Why give them another? It's not innocent. Nothing is. There is motive for everything. Read through this site. More excuses than you can count await your perusal.


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## gbrad

2ntnuf said:


> Do you mean friends or acquaintances? I don't get this. Why would anyone think a friendship with someone who is capable of having sex with you, other than your SO, be worth the risk??
> 
> It(sex) doesn't have to even happen. It may cause suspicions and issues that will fester and cause more issues. Why risk it? Isn't your relationship with your SO more important than that?
> 
> Is it that you want to keep a few names on the list of potentials because you figure your relationship is going to fail someday anyway?(due to statistics)
> 
> Is anyone reading what is on this site? It is a bad idea. There are so many reasons for the cheaters to cheat. Why give them another? It's not innocent. Nothing is. There is motive for everything. Read through this site. More excuses than you can count await your perusal.


A friend is someone you get along with, can have things in common with, and enjoy talking to or hanging out with. All of those things can be someone of the opposite sex or same sex. The gender of someone has nothing to do with friend ability


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## 2ntnuf

gbrad,

Thank you. Problem for me is those things are all the same as a what helps to make a good marriage. Where then do you draw the line? 

That is what I used to think. I do not believe this is possible with the opposite sex. I just can't see hanging out with or talking with the opposite sex alone unless you are not married.


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## geek down

If I had even the slightest attraction to the girl....no.. I could not have a platonic relationship..I've tried in the past...I cant and will not do it again..

if there is ZERO attraction, then its not a problem..

I've had friends that have crossed that line with me..Most are not my friends anymore..They wanted it to be only when they wanted it.. Its either platonic or romantic... can't switch between them.


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## aston

lost soul said:


> Can guys have a platonic friendship with a woman? no


Simple, short but true! Every female friend has been undressed in his mind. The ones we're attracted to, we keep around. The ones we're not attracted to we treat more as acquaintances. Thats the honest brutal but sad truth. Simple biology...:lol:


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## Hortensia

I haven't been very lucky with opposite sex friendships. 
years ago, i fell for my male best friend. He was a friend of my then jerk boyfriend actually, but switched to my side during a very nasty split. He protected me, helped me get back on track , listened to my crying, even posed as my new bf to make my ex leave me alone. And he was handsome. I fell for him,but timing sucked. He never made a move and acted all like a gentleman. He reunited with an old flame and got married. i became friends with his wife too and stayed close for years. This whole time there was still something boiling down between us, like a heart connection. Up to this day i wonder, did he feel the same? 
Then i had another friend, whom i just wanted as a friend- zero attraction. I was in love with a friend of his ( my current husband) and this guy was helping me get close to him. All i talked about was my love, but this didnt stop the friend to fall in love with me. Things, needless to say, went awry.
If i was single, i may still befriend other males, although my belief in the existence of such friendships has been shaken. But married, my husband would frown upon any man getting too close, and he's the only one i need. I would growl at him being friends with single women, def a no-no in my book. Ex-flames friendship is out of question as well. So..no, i guess my answer to the question is no.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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