# Advice on a situation please



## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Was after some feedback on something that happened yesterday...

It was my birthday. We went out on Saturday for tea just me and him whilst his mum babysat, late afternoon/early evening. We were going to go out in the evening but felt it would be too late by the time the baby went to sleep (usually 9pmish.)

We had a lovely time, it's the first time we've been out just me and him since the baby was born three months ago. We were both pretty tired, him because he'd been ill, and this is where this ties into what happened yesterday...

We spent the day together with the youngest kids, and at one point I asked if he wanted to have some "quality time" in the evening, snuggle up together on the sofa, or was he going out (he usually meets his best friend on a Sunday for a couple of beers.) He was like, hell I'm going out! I said I wouldn't ask usually, but with it being my birthday it'd be really nice. I don't ever usually ask him to change his "guy" plans, he goes out on certain days (a creature of habit) and that's just what he does and I don't have any problems with that.

I asked if he'd make an exception just this once, I wouldn't usually ask etc etc... Cue him blowing up!

He's been ill this week and took Wed-Fri off work. I stay at home anyway so was looking after him whilst he was in bed. He said he needed some space, we'd spent all week together (I didn't judge it as like this- I hardly spent ANY time with him because he was asleep for most of it), he'd hardly been out, I go on too much about quality time anyway, we'd been out yesterday, this is why he felt crowded and suffocated... This last part I had no idea about, and tbh I feel a complete muppet for thinking he might want to spend another evening with me!

It panned out with him staying in. This is a HUGE departure from his usual behaviour, usually he'd stand his ground and would have gone off out. Instead he spent the evening in, not "with" me but sat across from me, watching tv, on the laptop, saying the odd thing (he wasn't in a "bad" mood as such) and I got such little out of him despite trying to chat, that in the end I went to bed.

I'm pretty confused. He seems ok today when he phoned me from work, but I obviously misjudged the situation- tbh I'd have much rather he went out if he'd rather do that than spend such tortured time with me!

What's going on?


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

It takes some work to find back the exciting moment you used to share with him and some effort to ignite the flame of passion.
You need a date from him.
Ask him to date you.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> It takes some work to find back the exciting moment you used to share with him and some effort to ignite the flame of passion.
> You need a date from him.
> Ask him to date you.


The thing is, we *do* have that! I know it sounds odd in relation to what I've just said, but despite that, we do have that spark, we speak often about how we still feel it for each other. It seems we've had a bit of a blip though!

The dating idea is one I'd like to do, and do tell him, but it is quite difficult at the mo with baby being so little and not being in a set routine yet. I've also asked him before but I know he thinks it's a HUGE hassle... It does make me feel sad at times that he'll put in the effort to meet his friends but doesn't do that for me.

Anyway that's o/t.


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## Shelda (Dec 11, 2008)

You said he was ill? Like a virus or a disease? My view is that maybe he felt rejected when the baby was born and now he is reverting back to his teen years again.He sounds very immature and I see many lonely evenings at home for you.Time to get your own life going with your friends are be the stuck at home by yourself Mom.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Shelda said:


> You said he was ill? Like a virus or a disease? My view is that maybe he felt rejected when the baby was born and now he is reverting back to his teen years again.He sounds very immature and I see many lonely evenings at home for you.Time to get your own life going with your friends are be the stuck at home by yourself Mom.


He had a sick bug really badly.

I don't think he felt rejected when the baby was born. It's our second, and he is absolutely the doting father and he often says like I mentioned that he's glad we still have that spark.

The regular evenings out is something he's always done. We did used to argue about it a lot, I was a single mum of two young children when we met and I'd often suggest date nights in, not just slobbing out in front of the tv but like a picnic dinner by candlelight on the living room floor, renting a DVD we went to choose together with popcorn and stuff like that. As we grew closer and he spent more time at my house in the evenings, he wasn't keen on just staying in if either we hadn't got plans to go out or one or the other of us hadn't got plans to go out.

He really eased up on the going out when our first was born, and has settled into a fairly harmless routine of going out for a quiet beer a couple of times in the week and once at the weekend. I wouldn't usually dream of interrupting his plans - he enjoys going for a beer with his friend and I enjoy having the space at home. I was more taken aback that he felt so claustrophobic and wondered how I could have approached it better in future.


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## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

tobio said:


> He had a sick bug really badly.
> 
> I don't think he felt rejected when the baby was born. It's our second, and he is absolutely the doting father and he often says like I mentioned that he's glad we still have that spark.
> 
> ...


Could be so many things, such as fear that you are trying to control him. You know, already having lessened after the first was born, he might fear that you will make him stop altogether.

About him falling out and then sitting on the sofa: he is being a child. He eventually gave in to your reasonable request after getting angry, so now he is just pouting that you didn't let him go, but he cannot admit that you might be right as well, so he sits on the other side distracting himself.

This is my take on it, everybody, correct me if I'm wrong.


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## LoveTalks (Jan 19, 2011)

i think most people will dislike such situation, only how will the person handle it. so your husband will be, i guess feeling very defensive about this and expressed it out wholesale, he may really thought you are trying to control him.

i think you can probably try asking him about the incident in a soft tone and express your reasons, so to ensure him that you are not trying to control him or anything since you will, most of the time respect his plans. if he shows acceptance and understands your action.. he should be treating you better next time when you request him for something like this. sometimes men should seriously consider giving up his buddies for his wife. couple of sundays wouldn't kill his buddies.


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## EffedUpGuy (Jan 19, 2011)

I'm sorry to post this here, i need advise on a stituation too but a much different type of situation. Please help me before it's too late.

here it goes...

Please help me... someone.

I've never talked about this to anyone... and didn't even realize how much of a problem I have till now. 

I don't know what to do, i'm scaring the S*** out of myself! I have a serious serious problem.

I use to be addicted to internet porn. But now i hardly ever look at it. Sounds good right? Well the reason I don't really care for porn anymore is i've been addicted to "casual encounters" and i'm not talking about just CL but everywhere... with men, woman, and transexuals. 

I've been married now for 5 years, and been with her for 14 years! Now I want to say something with the most honest truth... I love her. I love her very very much. We just had a baby together and I love him so much. I love both of them more than anything. I would do anything for them. But for some reason i keep finding myself in these situations. On CL or on some other personals site. It's affected my job, my relationship with my wife and friends (Because i spend all day at work online setting things up with someone) or i tell her i have to work late and go out to meet these people. 

I don't know why i do this. i'm actually shaking while typing this.

After evey "encounter" i feel terrible... like i just killed someone. This happens everytime. Then as i'm going home i'm crying in the car.. saying prayers to god asking for forgiveness.. and promising myself i'll NEVER do something like that again. It takes about 2 days where i find myself in the same situation.... and it's almost like someone is taking over my body and putting thoughts in my mind.... You know what the weird thing is too.... I'm NOT gay. Not at all.... when i see guys out in public kissing or holding hands.... i get kinda grossed out.... then why do I enjoy having casual sex with men? or trans? I don't know. I feel completely discusted Immediately afterwards.... but don't know why... why don't i feel that way before hand. 

To top everything else off... when i'm not hooking up with dudes, i'm hooking up with female pros! WTF is wrong with me?!?!?! I feel absolutely terrible.. on sooo many levels... like for one cheating on my wife.. two... spending our money that we need for the baby and living... and three... breaking the law! what would happen if i got caught?!?!

The bottom line is.. i have a problem, and i don't know how to fix this, because evertime i tell myself i'll never do it again... i do it again and again... I really do hate myself. I have a really good job.. its the career of my dreams. I have a really strong family, i'm very close with my parents and my wives parents. I love my wife so much, she's beautiful and she makes me feel good... he hardly ever fight, she enjoys making love to me so it's not like i can't get it from her... i just can't figure out what is making me do these things. But if don't do something soon... i'm going to really get hurt by getting some kind of F'ed up disease or breaking my wife's heart or worst... getting some F'ed up STD and giving it to her!!! And i don't want either of those to happen. I've thought about telling her all this. and i'm come close a few times. But then I feel like I would be selfish for doing that. She doesn't deserve that type of pain and niether does my baby. They are happy, and I don't want to hurt them... but I'm hurtting them by doing this! ITS DRIVING ME CRAZY!!!! I don't know what to do.... Please someone give me some advise... I'm not looking for sypathy... so to all the women reading this who have husbands... You probably want to kill me, and i don't blame you... i deserve that.

please help me.


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## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

EffedUpGuy said:


> I'm sorry to post this here, i need advise on a stituation too but a much different type of situation. Please help me before it's too late.
> ...
> You probably want to kill me, and i don't blame you... i deserve that.
> 
> please help me.


1. Start a seperate thread
2. Seek counceling/therapy
3. Tell her
4. I would not know what other advice to offer you, but trust me, I do not want to kill you.


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## EffedUpGuy (Jan 19, 2011)

Draguna said:


> 1. Start a seperate thread
> 2. Seek counceling/therapy
> 3. Tell her
> 4. I would not know what other advice to offer you, but trust me, I do not want to kill you.


I Appreciate your response.

I've done therapy before... for 2 years! And didn't make me feel any different. 

Trust me, I want to tell her.. I want to tell her more than writing this message on some lame fourm... But if i tell her. It will break her heart, and she won't understand. I don't want to put her through that. 

I'll try starting a new thread.... but if anyone else can tell me what they think, i would really appreciate it.


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