# He has no time for me.



## 4sure

One of our major issues is H doesn't spend time with me. Although he has plenty of time for others. I have tried everything. I feel so left out, pushed to the side, neglected. I have expressed this to him many times. 

He spends about 15 minutes with me before he wants sex. We use to have a great sex life, now nothing. I refuse to have great sex with him when he has no time for me outside the bedroom.

This weekend he is off 4 days. He told me what his plans are. Not one day involves any time with me. He plans on spending time with his friends, our son, and his family.

I ask him when did he plan on spending time with me. Grinning, thinking he is being funny, he says, "when I retire I'll squeeze you in." Of course I wasn't laughing. He's 44yo btw.

Being neglected, and ignored is getting old real fast for me. I'm trying to control myself. In my younger years I would have gotten attention elsewhere, but I don't want to do that.

Any suggestions besides wrapping hands around his throat and applying pressure


----------



## themrs

Make plans for yourself while he's out. Sign up for a class that's once a week for yourself. Find a hobby and stop chasing him.

I used to be in the same spot you are in. As a matter of fact, my husband wouldn't even touch me unless he wanted to have sex. It made me feel used. I told him. He felt bad about it, but nothing really change. The only thing that worked was me getting a life. I started doing things without him. I started telling him MY plans and where I was going. Eventually, he started asking me when I'd be home and wanted to spend more time with me.


----------



## Jellybeans

4sure said:


> Being neglected, and ignored is getting old real fast for me.


This is how breakdowns start. So nip it in the bud fast. Sit him down TODAY and tell him how badly this is effecting you. I don't think some men understand how MUCH emotionally neglecting their wives/partners effects them. It's the same as someone who needs sex a lot not getting it from their partner. It kills the relationship if not corrected. 

Over time, people start taking eachother for granted and that is where the problems start.


----------



## spottedzebra

4sure said:


> Being neglected, and ignored is getting old real fast for me.


My husband prefers spending time on his bicycle (insert village pun here) to spending time with me. When we are at the table having dinner together, he is constantly checking his phone for Facebook updates from his cycling friends. On weekends, he hares off to the bike track as soon as he can, without ever stopping to think that maybe it would be nice to go out as a family and do something together for a change. We both work full time and weekends are the only time we have that we can spend together as a family.

I wish I had the heart to abandon the kids at home on weekends and go and do my own thing too, but I can't/won't. So I usually just try to find time on the weekdays for my hobbies and try not to hate him too much for going off on the weekend.

It sounds like he's not taking you seriously - he probably has no idea that this is a problem for you. Like the other posters say, try telling him?


----------



## AFW8

Wow I was actually just going to start a new thread but I read yours and thought " oh so I'm not the only one that is feeling alone and left out"
I also am in this type of situation. My husband spends more time with his car and his friends than with me. Then when and if he does spend time with me, he always mentions it like " see we hung out for 2 hours" I've told him before how much it reallys hurts me, and how I love spending time with him. Example:Lastnight we were suppose to go hang out with his friends late in the evening to go eat and take pics of the car group he's in. So at last I decided not to go because I kept getting the vibe that he didn't really want me to go and then he says something like "ball and chain and how if he wants to go then he's going to go" It hurt like hell that he said that to me. I feel like we are so diff. in the amount we need to spend time together and he just doesn't care. Today same thing, has been hanging out with this friend, all day. Tomorrow he's got racing at the track. I go watch him but he completley ignors me. I hate this and I don't know what to do. I don't need friends to hang out with me because I consider him my best friend. I'm so tired of this!!


----------



## 4sure

themrs said:


> Make plans for yourself while he's out. Sign up for a class that's once a week for yourself. Find a hobby and stop chasing him.
> 
> I used to be in the same spot you are in. As a matter of fact, my husband wouldn't even touch me unless he wanted to have sex. It made me feel used. I told him. He felt bad about it, but nothing really change. The only thing that worked was me getting a life. I started doing things without him. I started telling him MY plans and where I was going. Eventually, he started asking me when I'd be home and wanted to spend more time with me.


I have done this, still do. It isn't working. He doesn't feel bad. I didn't get married to live separate lives. I could have remained single, and saw him on weekends. One of the reasons I got married was for companionship.


----------



## 4sure

I have told him so many times, even I'm tired of hearing it. We had a big blow out argument this past Thursday. Everything I said went in one ear, and out the other. I told him I will never bring this subject up again. 

This was a stab in my heart. For 14 years I have been trying to get him to go to the islands in our boat, or I should say his boat. He gave me every excuse: I'm not an island kind of guy I perfer the river, etc... 

He tells me the guys are going fishing. I'm not invited. He ends up going to the islands with friends, his brother and bros gf. The reason he went. His bro ask him if he wanted to go because his gf, of 2 years, wanted to go.

Nice huh? I looked at him with tears in my eyes, and said, "unbelievable." I was so crushed, it made me sick, felt like I got punched.


----------



## JustAGirl

Jellybeans said:


> This is how breakdowns start. So nip it in the bud fast. Sit him down TODAY and tell him how badly this is effecting you. I don't think some men understand how MUCH emotionally neglecting their wives/partners effects them. It's the same as someone who needs sex a lot not getting it from their partner. It kills the relationship if not corrected.
> 
> Over time, people start taking eachother for granted and that is where the problems start.


:iagree: Happened to me....I'm now separated!
Got my own life, and kept it....

Talk to him NOW...set boundaries NOW....fix it NOW 

Good luck!


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove

You should have felt crushed and like you were punched and I felt that way for you when I read that.

Men are either clueless, insensitive, or truly only work with one-side of the brain and its the clueless, insensitive one. 

Sometimes I find that my husband just "doesn't get" what hurts me. It seems like no big deal to him and a second thought isn't given to - wow, would this hurt my wife? 

Women tend to think this way before we do anything - will it hurt him, is this good for the kids, what will my mom or BFF think? We seem to have forethought into how our actions affect others. Men appear to be sometimes clueless here.

An example in my house.

Goodnight kiss and hug from hubby. Happens every night. Last night, said he was tired and comfortable, gave me the kiss but skipped the hug saying he didn't want to move. Ok, no problem. Then the cats jump on the bed and all of a sudden he's not tired - they get hugged, petted, hell he even picked two of them up to cuddle them up close to him - but he was too tired to hug me - I finally got up and told ALL of them (cats included) - there, now there's more room for YOU GUYS (they are all boys), sorry I was in the way and went to the other room to watch TV.

I don't think my husband had a clue as to what I was feeling sad about - at all - like I said - clueless!

Not any advice - but I know how you feel - perhaps one day he'll wake up, but it may be too late because you'll be gone.

Let's hope he wakes up before then!


----------



## staircase

4sure said:


> I have told him so many times, even I'm tired of hearing it. We had a big blow out argument this past Thursday. Everything I said went in one ear, and out the other. I told him I will never bring this subject up again.
> 
> This was a stab in my heart. For 14 years I have been trying to get him to go to the islands in our boat, or I should say his boat. He gave me every excuse: I'm not an island kind of guy I perfer the river, etc...
> 
> He tells me the guys are going fishing. I'm not invited. He ends up going to the islands with friends, his brother and bros gf. The reason he went. His bro ask him if he wanted to go because his gf, of 2 years, wanted to go.
> 
> Nice huh? I looked at him with tears in my eyes, and said, "unbelievable." I was so crushed, it made me sick, felt like I got punched.


I am so sorry that happened to you. I would have been devastated. I am angry for you


----------



## WhereAmI

Have you tried reversing the roles? Going out without telling him? Taking fabulous pictures of all the fun you have and leaving them around so he can see? Laughing on the phone when he's around and making plans with other people and NOT inviting him? 

He's loving you wanting him to be there. He gets his fill, but knows that he doesn't have to do anything with you to keep you around. When you show that you don't need him hopefully his eyes will open. If not, you're likely to realize that you actually _don't_ need him. From now on, be selfish. Take care of you first and only allow him to come if he asks. It will feel good and you'll be in a better place no matter where he ends up.


----------



## pidge70

My man is the same way. He spends more time on his laptop thaan with me. When I say something to him I get, what do you want to do? Heck, I don't know, just spend some frigging time with me. He of course generally goes back to the comp.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sisters359

Here's how it goes: one partner neglects the other's messages about needs (whatever they are about). The other partner (in this case, you), figures out how to be happy without this need. Before you know it, you are disconnecting. You aren't even angry much; you just don't care much about him because he adds little to your life (you figured out the key to being happily alone, however, which is a great thing). You either decide to leave then, or you end up in an affair b/c someone else starts to give you attention you enjoy (it's fun and it's intoxicating). Then you remember how H wouldn't meet that need, how you did without having it met, but now it's ooooohhhhh so nice having it met! So, you either get divorced or caught, most likely both.

You can print out what I wrote and hand it to him and just say, "This is the script we willl be following, or at least that's what I've learned is likely. I hope you are ok with it. I love you now, but chances are that I won't after a few more years of neglect. I just want you to be forewarned." 

Seriously, if this doesn't get his attention, nothing will. You might as well leave right away b/c he's not going to care. Good luck.


----------



## marriage101

I'm so glad im not alone!! My H in I fight all the time bout this. I have gfs that I hang out with but I got married for a reason!We have been married less than a year n it seem like we been married forever ...just going thru the motions.....Im tried of begging my H for attention!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## JustAGirl

sisters359 said:


> Here's how it goes: one partner neglects the other's messages about needs (whatever they are about). The other partner (in this case, you), figures out how to be happy without this need. Before you know it, you are disconnecting. You aren't even angry much; you just don't care much about him because he adds little to your life (you figured out the key to being happily alone, however, which is a great thing). You either decide to leave then, or you end up in an affair b/c someone else starts to give you attention you enjoy (it's fun and it's intoxicating). Then you remember how H wouldn't meet that need, how you did without having it met, but now it's ooooohhhhh so nice having it met! So, you either get divorced or caught, most likely both.
> 
> You can print out what I wrote and hand it to him and just say, "This is the script we willl be following, or at least that's what I've learned is likely. I hope you are ok with it. I love you now, but chances are that I won't after a few more years of neglect. I just want you to be forewarned."
> 
> Seriously, if this doesn't get his attention, nothing will. You might as well leave right away b/c he's not going to care. Good luck.


*COULD NOT HAVE SAID IT BETTER MYSELF! **where's the "like"
button!!!*


----------



## staircase

pidge70 said:


> My man is the same way. He spends more time on his laptop thaan with me. When I say something to him I get, what do you want to do? Heck, I don't know, just spend some frigging time with me. He of course generally goes back to the comp.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I didn't know my husband was married to both of us.


----------



## 4sure

sisters359 said:


> Here's how it goes: one partner neglects the other's messages about needs (whatever they are about). The other partner (in this case, you), figures out how to be happy without this need. Before you know it, you are disconnecting. You aren't even angry much; you just don't care much about him because he adds little to your life (you figured out the key to being happily alone, however, which is a great thing). You either decide to leave then, or you end up in an affair b/c someone else starts to give you attention you enjoy (it's fun and it's intoxicating). Then you remember how H wouldn't meet that need, how you did without having it met, but now it's ooooohhhhh so nice having it met! So, you either get divorced or caught, most likely both.
> 
> You can print out what I wrote and hand it to him and just say, "This is the script we willl be following, or at least that's what I've learned is likely. I hope you are ok with it. I love you now, but chances are that I won't after a few more years of neglect. I just want you to be forewarned."
> 
> Seriously, if this doesn't get his attention, nothing will. You might as well leave right away b/c he's not going to care. Good luck.


I'm not an angry person by nature. I hate being angry, but I can feel it towards him. I feel like I'm drowning, treading water, reaching out to him, and the SOB won't even throw me a life perserver.

I won't have an affair. Isn't me. I don't want another man. I have purposed in my heart if this marriage doesn't last I will not be in another relationship. I'll go it alone. I'm married now, and feel alone, so why not be alone - it would hurt alot less.

I still have hope at this point. I am reading the books that so many have suggested to others to read. I'm checking into MC if he won't go I'll go alone.


----------



## watisdislife

My husband says he has to work for his PhD and spends time with his family as they need him more. I accept that. But I deserve some time. We are recently married and in a long distance relationship. I hate it when I keep waiting for him. I don't like doing anything. He says this is how it will be.


----------



## MRR

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> You should have felt crushed and like you were punched and I felt that way for you when I read that.
> 
> Men are either clueless, insensitive, or truly only work with one-side of the brain and its the clueless, insensitive one.
> 
> Sometimes I find that my husband just "doesn't get" what hurts me. It seems like no big deal to him and a second thought isn't given to - wow, would this hurt my wife?
> 
> Women tend to think this way before we do anything - will it hurt him, is this good for the kids, what will my mom or BFF think? We seem to have forethought into how our actions affect others. Men appear to be sometimes clueless here.
> 
> An example in my house.
> 
> Goodnight kiss and hug from hubby. Happens every night. Last night, said he was tired and comfortable, gave me the kiss but skipped the hug saying he didn't want to move. Ok, no problem. Then the cats jump on the bed and all of a sudden he's not tired - they get hugged, petted, hell he even picked two of them up to cuddle them up close to him - but he was too tired to hug me - I finally got up and told ALL of them (cats included) - there, now there's more room for YOU GUYS (they are all boys), sorry I was in the way and went to the other room to watch TV.
> 
> I don't think my husband had a clue as to what I was feeling sad about - at all - like I said - clueless!
> 
> Not any advice - but I know how you feel - perhaps one day he'll wake up, but it may be too late because you'll be gone.
> 
> Let's hope he wakes up before then!



You might want to talk to my ex wife before you start making generalizations like

'men are [basically, completely incapable of anything but their own interests/well-being]'

and 

'women are [basically, the most thoughtful creatures on earth]'

Now this whole thing is just a pity party and I dont feel sorry for any of you.


----------



## deg20

Here's a male perspective:

I'm separated for 2 years, but was married for 10...my wife left me, and one of the reasons was she said I didn't want to go to the trailer with her on weekends anymore...she usually took the kids, and the trailer was right beside her parents' place on a lake. Her brother's cottage was there too.

I always decided to stay home alone. I did yardwork, had the house to myself, and cherished the alone time from her and the three kids. Now, she went every weekend in the summer...she never compromised to offer to do something else on the weekends with me, and I never quilted her. I thought this was fine with her. Her family was there, and she ignored me most of the weekend anyway, chatting with nieces and uncles and visitors, and I'm not a swimmer anyway...I was barely noticed, so I just didn't go. I honestly didn't see this as a problem, and whenever I declined, she just said "ok", and then stopped asking me. This went on for about the last 3 to 4 years of our marriage.

When she left me, I got the laundry list of my wrongdoings and shortcomings. There was infidelity on her part, but I received this list anyway...Near the top was this issue. My defense was that had she brought it up, discussed how she felt, told me how much she wanted me there, told me how it hurt her, etc. we could have had a heartfelt discussion about it and I would have went, or at least worked out a compromise, but like everything else, it was swept under the rug.

My point is, let him know how you feel before it's really too late. I still feel bad about this every day...it was selfish of me and I did not take her feelings into account.


----------



## happy as a clam

Zombie thread. This thread is almost 5 years old... OP is long gone.


----------



## jorgegene

AFW8 said:


> Wow I was actually just going to start a new thread but I read yours and thought " oh so I'm not the only one that is feeling alone and left out"
> I also am in this type of situation. My husband spends more time with his car and his friends than with me. Then when and if he does spend time with me, he always mentions it like " see we hung out for 2 hours" I've told him before how much it reallys hurts me, and how I love spending time with him. Example:Lastnight we were suppose to go hang out with his friends late in the evening to go eat and take pics of the car group he's in. So at last I decided not to go because I kept getting the vibe that he didn't really want me to go and then he says something like "ball and chain and how if he wants to go then he's going to go" It hurt like hell that he said that to me. I feel like we are so diff. in the amount we need to spend time together and he just doesn't care. Today same thing, has been hanging out with this friend, all day. Tomorrow he's got racing at the track. I go watch him but he completley ignors me. I hate this and I don't know what to do. I don't need friends to hang out with me because I consider him my best friend. I'm so tired of this!!


then he should have married his friends instead of the 'ball and chain'.

and the other posters' husband should have married his bicycle or his cycling buddies.

seriously, men who do not make conscious effort to spend quality time with their wives (unless there is abuse) should be ashamed of themselves.

let me repeat that: ashamed of themselves.

you get married, it's a big commitment and you better do it or else stay single. period. end of story.


----------

