# Lost my job & wife behavior changed.



## y3zalman (Feb 24, 2013)

Me & my wife and a daughter have been together for about 6years. So after college I became a father and after finishing my studies I took looked after my father's business and some what supported my family who lives with me(lets say 5 months a year). My father kept on telling me to finish my studies and complete my degree since I was only a diploma holder. I took his advice and joined University, few months later he passed away and the business had to be shut down. Though he left some money for me to complete the studies. I supported my wife & child as long as the money was there.

Now that I have completed my education, I have been job less for about 7 months, its just those cases when 'its not what you know, its who you know', but still I am doing my best to find work. I understand what she is going through & paying for daughter's school fee but I see & feel degradation in her attitude towards me. Since we both don't live in the same country, I requested if she could pay for my ticket and we could be all together. I feel in her response that even if we are together or coming to live with her, I will be just a responsibility on her to take care of since I will be coming with no money. I never confronted her about her change in behavior but it just shows the way she talks to me now. 

Any help how to deal with this? or all this is just in my head?


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

It always makes alarm bells ring for me when I hear married couples talking about “his money” and “her money”. My wife and I have always had “our money” with us both putting into the household account and retaining only “pocket money”. Putting that to one side, for any family experiencing hard times financially (in your case you not working) the first thing they should do IMHO is look at ways of reducing their outgoings. Running two households is always more expensive than running one especially if they are in different countries. 
If you returned to your wife and daughter would your prospects of employment / potential standard of living be higher. 
If / could your wife and daughter come to live with you (is her job / finances transferable).


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## pb76no (Nov 1, 2012)

I'm confused about the "not living in the same country". Have you always lived apart? 

If you don't discuss her change in behavior (perceived or real doesn't really matter), then how is she (and you) supposed to address it?


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

GET A JOB! Any job!

Deliver pizza, bag grocieries, flip burgers. Anything.

And why are you not living as a family? That is a recipe for disaster!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You asked HER to buy you a ticket? I'd have told you no, too.

My husband would be delivering pizza, mowing lawns, or flipping burgers to pay our bills if he couldn't get a job in his profession.

What are YOU doing?


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## y3zalman (Feb 24, 2013)

Ok it took awhile to reply but here is what the situation is:

1. Yes we do not live in the same country, I live with my siblings now. Sometimes she comes & spends couple months with me.
2. I would LOVE to do any job & I mean any job but there are some really harsh rules & regulations in the country I am living in, e.g., cannot work part time, If I work in lets say pizza delivery...I need to get under their employment status which means for the next 2-3years I cannot change my job to a better opportunity and even after those years, my employer holds the right to either send me back to my home country or let me work else where. And I will be earning about 400$ a month.

3. We have talked about living together, where I live, but my wife doesn't like the idea so much since she has to leave a lot behind. (Which I totally understand).

4. I am not asking my wife to pay for my ticket, I have taken back that expectation and I have never asked her in words to pay for my anything. All I expect from her is acceptance since she will be paying for my food & roof over my head. I am not a person with many demands. 

I have been a partial provider to my family over the past few years but the cold reality is I cannot anymore until I get a job, my siblings has been supportive in this & tells me to just wait a bit longer because I can make real good money working in my profession and its just a matter or time & patience(about 3000$). At times when I call my wife & daughter to talk, I talk to them with high spirits & excitement but it breaks my heart & hurts me when I hear total disregard & no interest to have a conversation with me in her voice. It brings me to tears even when I write this that most of the times when I call I can hear her 'tsk's over the phone and as if she is really bothered by my call. 

Is being jobless is such an unforgiving sin?


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

I don't really see any semblance of a marriage here. Obviously being jobless is causing a problem...you cant even buy a ticket to be with her. Get the money for a ticket and get to her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why are you IN this country where you can't even work? When your wife is in a different country?


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## y3zalman (Feb 24, 2013)

Thoreau said:


> I don't really see any semblance of a marriage here. Obviously being jobless is causing a problem...you cant even buy a ticket to be with her. Get the money for a ticket and get to her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Like I said, I never verbally told her to get me a ticket. It was something in my mind but seeing her behavior I completely backed out from the idea. I can manage to get myself a ticket to be with my family. But unfortunately that is not the problem, I have this huge fear of living with my wife where I am not paying for anything(at least not until I get any job) & totally depending on her. Even talking to her on the phone I feel very unwelcome.

We have talked about this before (when I had some money) and she told me its fine but her actions contradicts. And sadly, the pain doesn't stop there. When we are together, on numerous occasions out of no where I hear hurtful things like I am a boring person and there is no fun in me and the list goes on & on.

Why am I in a country where i cannot work? Its not that I cannot work but its just extremely difficult to find work, like I mentioned, its not what you know its who you know. I could go back to my home country & work but the salary would be quite low & I wouldn't be able to support my family...


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

Family? Marriage? Sorry....I just don't see I.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

I would rather make low $ and be with family. I would rather work 16 hours a day and go home to wife and kids than endlessly search for work.....in another country.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Wiltshireman said:


> It always makes alarm bells ring for me when I hear married couples talking about “his money” and “her money”. My wife and I have always had “our money” with us both putting into the household account and retaining only “pocket money”. Putting that to one side, for any family experiencing hard times financially (in your case you not working) the first thing they should do IMHO is look at ways of reducing their outgoings. Running two households is always more expensive than running one especially if they are in different countries.
> If you returned to your wife and daughter would your prospects of employment / potential standard of living be higher.
> If / could your wife and daughter come to live with you (is her job / finances transferable).


You are absolutely correct. For 47 years there has been no his or her money it is our money...A checking account a savings account...period...It is the only way in a true marriage. My wife probably earned about 1 year of my pay during the entire marriage...I fed and clothed, and kept a roof over our heads, and now provided for a comfortable retirement.....She has managed the household, and the finances, and done an outstanding job....We are financially secure, have a comfortable home, several automobiles, an investment home, and a nice pleasure boat....
I could not have done this without her. She watched over our day to day expences with an eagle eye. I know she will get good value for every cent she spends, and can honestly say I have not even looked at a bank account book in years.....I trust her implicitly....As for spending, she is free to buy anything she desires. In fact I have to encourage her to spend more on herself....She likes clothes, and dresses really nicely, but often buys from thrift shops.....All this, and she is a beautiful loving and very sexy woman too. I thank God for finding her for me, as I am not nearly smart or lucky enough to get such a treasure on my own.....


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## akashNil (May 20, 2012)

Come on friend! 

Increase your skill-set to get a high paying job in your home country. See the interest in her voice if you join some good course and FINISH it.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

How did you come to live with your siblings? Did you go to university in this other country and then stayed there?

And - you say if you move back home, your won't make enough money to support your family, but right now you are making -no- money to support your family, and you don't live with your wife. 

You hold onto the excuse that it's who you know. How did your siblings find jobs? How do they know then? Can they not introduce you to these people they know and help you find a job? If that's not going to happen, it's time to move back home and take some chances. The current situation isn't working -for anyone involved.


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