# critical spouce



## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

What would you think if you slept in, and when you went into the kitchen, your husband had washed the dishes and cleaned up the sink?

Would you say....Thanks.....

I was going to put those in the dishwasher....

There is a chip on this bowl, be more careful...(the chip was months old)...Only have 3 of these mis-matched bowls....


She actually said both.....I was going to put those in the dishwasher....There is a chip on this bowl, be more careful

If I woke up and found my car washed I would not complain about water spots.......

the woodchuck


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I'm with you there man. That sh!t gets old quick.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

If my husband woke up and immediately did the dishes or other housework, I'd be overjoyed! Housework is not really his thing. He does make breakfast on the weekends which I'm very grateful for.

I do often tell my husband how much I appreciate all he does for me. He really works hard to provide for us and to make sure we are happy. How could I ever be upset with that?

Your wife sounds like my mother. She's always yelling and nagging about something. It's highly irritating!


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

Woodchuck said:


> What would you think if you slept in, and when you went into the kitchen, your husband had washed the dishes and cleaned up the sink?
> 
> Would you say....Thanks.....
> 
> ...


Well,, I wouldn't make THAT mistake again... 

Leave them dishes and that sink alone!


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Another thing I hate is when I do something helpful, I get the "I could have/would have done that" Just say "Thanks" for crying out loud!

I think that it is one of those things where people sometimes have a hard time taking compliments because they feel like if they say 'thanks' they are being vain by acknowledging the truth in what you say, and in the case of being helpful, they see it as you out doing them, and in order to feel less of an imbalance, they have to bring you back down to their level rather than build themselves up by doing something in return.


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## Zookeepertomany (Jun 27, 2013)

I sure wouldn't nag about it. I don't know that I would or do always say thanks because we both live in the house and we both should clean up without asking. 
However, if he knew I was going to do it but snuck in and did it before I could. I would be very thankful for being so thoughtful.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Zookeepertomany said:


> I sure wouldn't nag about it. I don't know that I would or do always say thanks because we both live in the house and we both should clean up without asking.
> However, if he knew I was going to do it but snuck in and did it before I could. I would be very thankful for being so thoughtful.


I think in cases like this, saying nothing would be better than being critical. Being critical not only acknowleged that something was done, but turns it into a negative by finding fault in it. At least by saying nothing, it remain a neutral gesture.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

Zookeepertomany said:


> I sure wouldn't nag about it. I don't know that I would or do always say thanks because we both live in the house and we both should clean up without asking.
> However, if he knew I was going to do it but snuck in and did it before I could. I would be very thankful for being so thoughtful.


My wife always thanks me... mentions to me that noticed I did something..

EVEN IF she goes behind me and re-does it... She never tells me about it... But, once in while I do notice that she re-did something.


What she does do that bugs me is this.... She's been on me to do something around the house for a couple of months.

A lots of the time, I've been thinking about exactly how I want to do the job. Other times, I'm just being lazy.

But, finally, the day arrives when I'm ready to do it... I start getting my tools out and she asks, "What are you doing?" And I tell her, "I'm gonna fix so and so." And she says, "OH..not TODAY!!! it might .......". 

That just pisses me off to no end. I do not want to listen to 5 more months of bugging me... until I'm in the mood to do it...

Whe I'm in the mood to work... LET ME DO IT!


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

hambone said:


> My wife always thanks me... mentions to me that noticed I did something..
> 
> EVEN IF she goes behind me and re-does it... She never tells me about it... But, once in while I do notice that she re-did something.
> 
> ...


I f ucking hate trimming shrubbery...I just hate it...We had a tree come down during an ice storm, I cut it up, and with my sons help dragged it to the curb...The stump became the pedestal for a bird bath...After a couple of years, She wanted to make the area around the stump into a bulb bed.....

I walk with a cane, but I took a pick, post hole digger, and shovel and spent about 16 hours digging out the tree roots and the 200# stump.....I did this by swinging the pick seated on a stool...There were about 3 wheelbarrow loads of roots...large roots, plus the stump...The hole was 6 feet in diameter and almost 3 feet deep....

Now she is making little remarks about progress on the bulb bed, and not even making it....

And the reason no progress has been made on it is she hasn't had the energy to go to Lowes and pick out the retaining wall stones...

I know lack of progress on a project can be frustrating, but I say, anytime you are ready, I will go to Lowes with you...No go....

And I am still the bad guy because I offered to work on trimming shrubbery one hour a day...I didn't think that was unreasonable....

But she go's out, works 4 hours, and comes in exhausted, and shot for 2 whole days...Which makes more sense?

the woodchuck


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

when she criticizes your efforts say. what the hell is your problem?
most people are thankful when someone dose something nice for them.

then go take along drive. and when you come home give her the cold shoulder


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## Senior Citizen (Jul 25, 2013)

Boy....talk about ungrateful! I have the same problem......whatever i do......and I am a pleaser.......it is never right. And I do what I do because I like clean......and I want to lighten his load.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

What it all boils down to is "we all live for approval"...Why should anyone be stingy with it?

the woodchuck


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Woodchuck said:


> What it all boils down to is "we all live for approval"...Why should anyone be stingy with it?
> 
> the woodchuck


See thats the thing...if nothing was said, that's one thing, but actively diminishing what we did is totally different. I'm not sure that people who do that are intentionally trying to be mean or degrading. In fact, I have a feeling that they forgot what they said twenty minutes later.

I think it is something along the lines of people like to be on an even level with their partners. When one partner does something positive, they are raised up. The other person wants to level the field again, so they can go about it one of two ways, either build themselves up, or bring the other one back down. It is always easier to bring the other down. I think this largely occurs subconsciously.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> See thats the thing...if nothing was said, that's one thing, but actively diminishing what we did is totally different. I'm not sure that people who do that are intentionally trying to be mean or degrading. In fact, I have a feeling that they forgot what they said twenty minutes later.
> 
> I think it is something along the lines of people like to be on an even level with their partners. When one partner does something positive, they are raised up. The other person wants to level the field again, so they can go about it one of two ways, either build themselves up, or bring the other one back down. It is always easier to bring the other down. I think this largely occurs subconsciously.


So what would you call someone who refuses compliments, and is critical of their mate...A natural born buzz kill?

the woodchuck


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Woodchuck said:


> So what would you call someone who refuses compliments, and is critical of their mate...A natural born buzz kill?
> 
> the woodchuck


I'm not really sure what I'd call it, but therre are an awful lot of people out there like that. I think some of it is social conditioning. If you agree with someone that you are good at something, that you look good in an outfit, you have nice hair, of what ever, we have been trained that that is egotistical, vain, full of your self, and those things we are told are bad. Many peoples natural reaction is to find something self critical to offset the compliment so as not to appear egotistical.

A similar mindset exists when it comes to doing nice things for others too. I think this may affect women more than men. It has been drilled into our heads that women need to be independent, have to do things for them selves or the are weak. Men have had it drilled into their heads that we need to do things like clean the house, do laundry, and so forth to make our women happier. Those things are polar opposites, and by acknowledging that you did a nice thing, they either say they could have done it themselves, or are critical, implying they could have done it better. They need to do that to maintain the sense of independence that they have been told they have to have.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Woodchuck said:


> What would you think if you slept in, and when you went into the kitchen, your husband had washed the dishes and cleaned up the sink?
> 
> Would you say....Thanks.....
> 
> ...


This is what my husband would do If I gave him ATTITUDE... He's ask me who pi$$ed in my corn flakes.. 

Seriously .....she is not happy about something...and she is taking every little irritation out on you...when not a drop of it is YOUR Doing... you are being a blessing to her and she is verbally spitting in your face... Call her on it [email protected]#$

Then dig to see what is wrong with her... what is on her mind...get to the root. 



> I walk with a cane, but I took a pick, post hole digger, and shovel and spent about 16 hours digging out the tree roots and the 200# stump.....I did this by swinging the pick seated on a stool...There were about 3 wheelbarrow loads of roots...large roots, plus the stump...The hole was 6 feet in diameter and almost 3 feet deep....
> 
> Now she is making little remarks about progress on the bulb bed, and not even making it....
> 
> ...


 She is getting ahead of herself, you sound very reasonable to me.. maybe trim the projects down (along with those bushes) to not get so much done in a small space of time... so the expectations are not as high...and hopefully she will get less frustrated... 

You seem to be doing all you can.. she is not doing her part in being co-operative..to work with you, kinda like a "back seat driver".


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## firefly789 (Apr 9, 2013)

I wonder if it is *****iness, or if it is insecurity that you have done "her" job. Could she feel that it is a sign that she is not keeping the house clean enough? I have a friend whose H can do nothing right in the house, so, he does nothing. I don't care if it's done wrong (which is very subjective). When I load the dishwasher it is forks down, knives down, spoons up. When H loads it, everything is up. So what. I can live with it until it's time to do it again! No redos, nothing but a thanks.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

firefly789 said:


> I wonder if it is *****iness, or if it is insecurity that you have done "her" job. Could she feel that it is a sign that she is not keeping the house clean enough? I have a friend whose H can do nothing right in the house, so, he does nothing. I don't care if it's done wrong (which is very subjective). When I load the dishwasher it is forks down, knives down, spoons up. When H loads it, everything is up. So what. I can live with it until it's time to do it again! No redos, nothing but a thanks.


You sound exactly like my wife!


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I always say thank you when anyone does anything to help out, I am eternally greatful for all jobs that are done to help make the house run smoothly.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> See thats the thing...if nothing was said, that's one thing, but actively diminishing what we did is totally different. I'm not sure that people who do that are intentionally trying to be mean or degrading. In fact, I have a feeling that they forgot what they said twenty minutes later.
> 
> I think it is something along the lines of people like to be on an even level with their partners. When one partner does something positive, they are raised up. The other person wants to level the field again, so they can go about it one of two ways, either build themselves up, or bring the other one back down. It is always easier to bring the other down. I think this largely occurs subconsciously.





samyeagar said:


> I'm not really sure what I'd call it, but therre are an awful lot of people out there like that. I think some of it is social conditioning. If you agree with someone that you are good at something, that you look good in an outfit, you have nice hair, of what ever, we have been trained that that is egotistical, vain, full of your self, and those things we are told are bad. Many peoples natural reaction is to find something self critical to offset the compliment so as not to appear egotistical.
> 
> A similar mindset exists when it comes to doing nice things for others too. I think this may affect women more than men. It has been drilled into our heads that women need to be independent, have to do things for them selves or the are weak. Men have had it drilled into their heads that we need to do things like clean the house, do laundry, and so forth to make our women happier. Those things are polar opposites, and by acknowledging that you did a nice thing, they either say they could have done it themselves, or are critical, implying they could have done it better. They need to do that to maintain the sense of independence that they have been told they have to have.





firefly789 said:


> *I wonder if it is *****iness, or if it is insecurity that you have done "her" job. Could she feel that it is a sign that she is not keeping the house clean enough*? I have a friend whose H can do nothing right in the house, so, he does nothing. I don't care if it's done wrong (which is very subjective). When I load the dishwasher it is forks down, knives down, spoons up. When H loads it, everything is up. So what. I can live with it until it's time to do it again! No redos, nothing but a thanks.


This gets to the heart of what I was saying. She may feel like like he is now a step above her and the desire to get back to even drives her to tear him down rather than build herself up by doing something nice in return.

Just had this happen with my STBW last night actually. She had been gone all day visiting her borther, and I got some things done around the house. While I was doing my jobs like mowing, fixing a ceiling fan, etc, I also ran through and folded a couple of loads of laundry, and had dinner on the table when she got home. Rather than saying thanks for doing the laundry, she said she would have done it tomorrow. I decided to challenge her on that, and she indeed felt like I already do so much around the house, because I do the house maintenance, almost all of the cooking, work 12 hours a day already compared to her 5, that she didn't want me to feel like I had to do more things too, and what kind of a woman do I have if I have to do laundry on top of it all. So yeah, she confirmed exactly what you said above too.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

My wife reads all my posts, and was not a happy girl yesterday.....

She is taking some meds, that make her fool lousy, and I could tell she was a little upset, but we managed to make up very nicely by bed time........

I am going to try to get a little thicker skin, and give her more slack about the meds. she was really sweet last night, and I hope today will be as smooth...

Going over to the sons house for lunch, so that should put her in a good mood....

thanks for all the input, and giving me a chance to vent

the woodchuck...


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

That's not fair. I think sometimes we women just have a lapse in judgment when it comes to our houses. You should call her on that. I never tell my hubby any critical comments if he helps me out. And, I have lots of ways of showing my appreciation.


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## soulconnection (Jul 10, 2013)

hambone said:


> well,, i wouldn't make that mistake again...
> 
> Leave them dishes and that sink alone!


ahahaha!


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

Sounds like my wife. If I'm changing diapers, she'll watch me and critique how I'm doing it. Dishwasher, same thing. Feeding the kids, you're not doing it fast enough/correctly/giving them enough. It gets to the point where I don't bother doing anything as she'll just say she can do it herself. 

When I'm driving, she'll critique how I'm driving, and if I miss a parking spot and park two spots away, she'll throw a fit and say that I don't listen to her. I don't even want to drive if she's with me anymore, as all she does is *****. 

In my wife's case, she says she doesn't like to not be in control, plus she has insecurity issues. She won't say anything to anyone else (not even her drama queen, PITA sister, who needs a good smackdown).


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

Maybe this is out of line and I don't know what the normal division of work in your house is...but do you thank her every time she does the dishes?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

justonelife said:


> Maybe this is out of line and I don't know what the normal division of work in your house is...but do you thank her every time she does the dishes?




When my STBW does things around the house that are "her job" I do thank her. I don't always say "thank you" in those words, but I'll tell her the kitchen looks great, or how nice it is to have a clean bathroom counter, things like that. I always make sure to give some positive recognition of the things she does, because even though she looks at it as "her job" I do appreciate it.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> This gets to the heart of what I was saying. She may feel like like he is now a step above her and the desire to get back to even drives her to tear him down rather than build herself up by doing something nice in return.
> 
> Just had this happen with my STBW last night actually. She had been gone all day visiting her borther, and I got some things done around the house. While I was doing my jobs like mowing, fixing a ceiling fan, etc, I also ran through and folded a couple of loads of laundry, and had dinner on the table when she got home. Rather than saying thanks for doing the laundry, she said she would have done it tomorrow. I decided to challenge her on that, and she indeed felt like I already do so much around the house, because I do the house maintenance, almost all of the cooking, work 12 hours a day already compared to her 5, that she didn't want me to feel like I had to do more things too, and what kind of a woman do I have if I have to do laundry on top of it all. So yeah, she confirmed exactly what you said above too.


My DH recently unloaded the dishwasher. I dang near fell over! We have had a dishwasher for 6 months and he doesn't even put his dirty dishes in it, let alone empty it.

I thanked him! 

But, I confess that I did wonder what prompted it. I wondered if he was making a silent point about the housework not getting done. Since I do most of the housework, it gets done on my time, which is consistently behind "real" time. 

But, even if he was making a point, I was content. For one, I was happy he helped out. For two, hey, if he preferred to empty the dishwasher rather than wait another hour until I got home, then yay for both of us! 

At any rate, my concern was because I know I am not timely with household chores. Your wife might have felt the same way.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

justonelife said:


> Maybe this is out of line and I don't know what the normal division of work in your house is...but do you thank her every time she does the dishes?


This got me thinking a bit more about common respect. 

One common courtesy is to hold the door for someone, and the courteous response is a thank you.

So why it is that some people feel that they can show that type of courtesy to a complete stranger, often on a daily basis, but not do the same for their spouse?


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

samyeagar said:


> This got me thinking a bit more about common respect.
> 
> One common courtesy is to hold the door for someone, and the courteous response is a thank you.
> 
> So why it is that some people feel that they can show that type of courtesy to a complete stranger, often on a daily basis, but not do the same for their spouse?


Sam - You make a good point. I think there are marriages where people become so comfortable with one another, that they forget to be polite. A little thoughtfulness goes a long way when you have to live with someone.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

RoseAglow said:


> But, I confess that I did wonder what prompted it. I wondered if he was making a silent point about the housework not getting done. Since I do most of the housework, it gets done on my time, which is consistently behind "real" time.


This is how I would feel, but my husband is terribly passive-aggressive. I'm realizing that he's conditioned me to wonder what he's mad about when he does something helpful. Because he's never helped out with housework just to be helpful. 

Woodchuck, if you've spent years and years passive-aggressively "helping" your wife to make a point about what she's not doing, then I could see your unloading the dishwasher triggering an automatic response in her, even if you only meant to be truly helpful this time. If you're not PA, then disregard!


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

firefly789 said:


> .....or if it is insecurity that you have done "her" job. Could she feel that it is a sign that she is not keeping the house clean enough?


I was also thinking exactly this. Sadly, I confess I have been guilty of this.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

I wouldn't care about a chip in a bowl.. I would probably fall over dead if I saw my husband doing dishes....

Housework isn't really anyone's job, if it needs to be done then do it


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Woodchuck said:


> What would you think if you slept in, and when you went into the kitchen, your husband had washed the dishes and cleaned up the sink?
> 
> Would you say....Thanks.....
> 
> ...



There's your answer. If I woke up and found my car washed, I would not complain about water spots. That's what you say to her the next time she makes a comment.

I did this one once. I was busting my butt to help get ready for a Christmas party at my house. I had everything about 90% complete and my wife came home. She looked around and said nothing. As I walked away I said, "your welcome". She said "I didn't say thank you". I replied. "Would be nice if did once in a while".


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Some people cannot be happy unless they are keeping those about them on edge, walking on egg shells. Drama is their "normal" and if conflict didn't exist, they'd create it.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> Some people cannot be happy unless they are keeping those about them on edge, walking on egg shells. Drama is their "normal" and if conflict didn't exist, they'd create it.


It's called, "stirring the pot".


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