# Starting over together...



## Kresaera

First, let me say I haven't shared my entire story anywhere on here. Bits and pieces, yes, but not the entire thing. Basically, my husband has had 4 emotional affairs in our 9 years of marriage (I use emotional loosely because they were sexual in nature, just no physical touching, lots of planning, lots of sexy talk, just no touching) and I had a physical affair 3 weeks ago. If you want to know more, PM me and I'll share. 2 days after it happened, my husband was told in a very bad way. The person who told him was going off the word of an 8 and 11 year old and she wasn't there, she had no idea what actually happened. I came clean about a week later. 

Since then, his whole demeanor has changed regarding how I reacted to his affairs and we have had some serious heart to heart talks. We have decided to reconcile and our relationship has done an entire 180. I can feel the love in my belly and heart again and we are spending actual time together. 

We are going to do the 7-day Boot Camp starting the day after Christmas and we have been doing Yoga together every morning. Our relationship feels brand new again! I've also started blogging about our reconciliation and our relationship as a whole. It's been an eye opening experience for both of us and I hope it continues.


----------



## GusPolinski

Kresaera said:


> My story of how my marriage survived 5 affairs ----> Click here! <----


Uhhh... no judgement here, but I feel the need to say this w/ respect to your (current) signature (and BTW, your link appears to be broken)...

If you were caught in an affair only 2/3 weeks ago, it's more than just a little presumptive to say that your marriage has "survived". I mean... it's great that things are going well between the two of you, but you're not quite at the finish line just yet.

And about this...



Kresaera said:


> ...I had a physical affair 3 weeks ago. If you want to know more, PM me and I'll share. 2 days after it happened, my husband was told in a very bad way. The person who told him was going off the word of an 8 and 11 year old and she wasn't there, she had no idea what actually happened. I came clean about a week later.


Who are the 8-year-old and 11-year-old? Please tell me that your children weren't home at the time...?


----------



## tryingpatience

Read your other posts. I think you are missing some details. What happened to the last EA your husband had? Did it become physical? Did you just have a revenge affair? There's a lot of drama in your life. Without the details this sounds like rugsweeping on both your parts. Once the novelty of this R wears off you'll both be back to the same patterns.


----------



## Kresaera

GusPolinski said:


> Uhhh... no judgement here, but I feel the need to say this w/ respect to your (current) signature (and BTW, your link appears to be broken)...
> 
> If you were caught in an affair only 2/3 weeks ago, it's more than just a little presumptive to say that your marriage has "survived". I mean... it's great that things are going well between the two of you, but you're not quite at the finish line just yet.
> 
> And about this...
> 
> 
> 
> Who are the 8-year-old and 11-year-old? Please tell me that your children weren't home at the time...?


You're right, honestly I made that signature quickly and didn't think of my wording. I'll check on the link. As for the children, no my kids weren't there. There were no children there at the beginning, however the guy's brother came home early with his niece and nephew. They didn't see anything except us together behind a closed door and they speculated. We didn't have sex either, just 2nd base. 


As for the novelty wearing off, I'm well aware that we are VERY early into our recovery and I'm maintaining a positive attitude that we've both learned our lessons and we are committed to one another now, however, my guard is still up. We are both an open book with the other one, no more secrets. It's been a bit since I posted this one and we are still doing great! New phone numbers, new emails, new everything basically. We completely cut ties with our old lives and started new. Like I said, I'm not completely naive, my eyes are wide open and if I take even 5 more minutes than I should at the grocery store, he's asking me questions, so his are open too. We have a long road ahead of us, but we are willing to make that journey together.


----------



## cdbaker

Yeah... I don't want to say that you are doing anything wrong here as it sounds like you guys have the right idea here, but I would definitely throw up a few caution flags:

1. First, your saying that you're marriage has "survived" when you are (at least the most recent) offender could be construed as rug sweeping, and insensitive towards your husband. I'm not saying that's your intention, just suggesting that you be aware of that.
2. I'd also be cautious about not getting too caught up in the excitement of starting over. It sounds like it's going well and you enjoy it, maybe it feels like a whole new relationship. Just remember that the excitement will wear off and you'll have to both be strong enough to avoid slipping again.
3. I'd still HIGHLY recommend starting marriage counseling either way. You both need to investigate what drove you to your affairs, and how to not only avoid such choices in the future, but also how to avoid putting yourself in such a position to even make such choices. (For example, reviewing cell phone bills together every month to make sure no texts are being deleted, NONE. Recording your passwords for ANYTHING/EVERYTHING somewhere together that you both have access to. Never going anywhere with a member of the opposite sex alone. Etc.)
4. Make sure that you are giving each other permission to be distrustful of each other for a while. We see it all the time where one partner says that they forgive the offending spouse, and then when she have any fears/doubts, the offending spouse avoids it with something like, "I thought we were past that already." or "You said you forgave me, but I guess that was a bunch of baloney" or something similarly guilt inducing.

Have you completely, 100% cut off all contact with the other man?


----------



## Kresaera

cdbaker, yes. 100% cut off completely. Hubby and I both changed our phone numbers, deleted our facebook accounts and I cut all contact with him as well as anyone who knows him so there's no chance at all for me to see him. 

Reading over your suggestions made me happy actually because we are doing all of those things. This is going to be a very very long and bumpy road, for both of us, we rug-swept the first 3 affairs he had and we aren't making that same mistake again. Both of us have our eyes wide open and the trust is definitely not back yet. A little more each day but nowhere close to being 100%. Like I said, we are just trying to be positive and work through this together as a team. I'm hopeful, but not dumb


----------

