# Crossroads......



## guitarheaven (Nov 27, 2010)

Hi everyone,

I am new here. I need some honest, unbiased advice. I feel like love blurs my judgement and common sense in my relationship with my wife. Here is our story:

We have been married for a year and half and dated for a year before we became married. Our relationship was for the most part good while dating...until we moved in together. The stress of work and a relationship, bills and not living with her parents consumed my wife. She became depressed and withdrew from me and our relationship. I have had issues as well, with alcohol and depression. Though, I feel my depression has become worse being around my wife. I feel even lower, not being able to make her happy and ultimately not being able to be open and communicate with her.

She has threatened to end our relationship several times, even before we were married. I love her and she came around after each time, and told me it was a mistake trying to end it. I wonder if she did want to end it though, and when she had to deal with the actuality of it she couldn't. We have gotten through these issues I believe. I can't remember being happy with my wife.

The reason I am writing here today is because of what has happened these past weeks. We sat down and discussed were our relationship was and what we are doing about it. My wife talked about separation and we decided to sleep in separate rooms for a week. Well, three days in after work she gets mad about something and tells me to leave, we're done. I'm like ok and start packing my stuff. I convinced her to let me stay that night. The next day I separated our cell accounts, opened a checking account and started looking for apartments. Mind you, I also have Final exams coming up and certification tests. I felt done with our relationship and hurt by her sudden, unemotional decision. It seemed like she had made up her mind.

A few days later, she tells me she's sorry and wants to try it again. So we did the sleeping in two rooms for a few nights and history repeated itself. Now she says she wants this back, but she doesn't act like she even wants me living here. I feel as though she is through with our relationship, but cannot handle the separation.

I look at my life and I don't want to continue living like this. I love her and that makes it hard. Thank you for letting me vent. I would appreciate any input on my situation. I am not asking for an answer, just guidance. This is my first marriage and I feel as though I have no one to turn to for an unbiased opinion.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Her "get out" response was unemotional, but so was your "ok" response. Seems to me that neither of you have shown a great deal of commitment. Marriage takes work and it involves stress, but alcohol isn't going to help; sleeping in separate rooms won't help, and threatening divorce every few days won't help, either. If you suffer from depression, that has to do with brain chemistry and is only aggravated by your choice to consume depressants (alcohol). Blaming the condition on your wife isn't going to help you or your marriage. You can't change your wife's behavior but you can change your's. Make a commitment. Either commit to getting out and getting on with life or make a commitment to making marriage work, come hell or high water. That would mean the marriage is more important than alcohol, more important than any hurt feelings you might have, more important than dirty socks on the floor, more important than school, work, bills, and always more important than being right. You're not responsibile for doing her job as wife but you are responsible for the way you do your job as husband.


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## zsu234 (Oct 25, 2010)

Young, short marriage, no kids.....RUN!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You're learning how to be a responsible husband. If running is the solution to problems, you're going to end up a very lonely 50 year old guy with a string of failed relationships. Maybe you can make this thing work and maybe you can't, but you can learn from the experience and emerge a better, smarter, stronger man.


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## guitarheaven (Nov 27, 2010)

To unbelievable:
Thank you for you response. I understand that alcohol doesn't help things. I have gone months without alcohol just to show my wife that I can and will. I do use alcohol to "self-medicate" and it is wrong, yes, though i only drink one to three beers maybe three times a month. When she smothers me and guilt-trips me into spending all my time with her and tells me i am selfish for wanting a little free time (30min. a week). I can't help but want to drink to relax from her stress. 

The issues we have from alcohol and understanding we need free time is in the past. I rarely drink now. Though this past week I have had a beer almost every night. 

I feel very committed to my wife. I have been their for her and been understanding and I used to do things to make her feel good. Though, when someone constantly put's down things you do from the heart and never gives me the respect to finish a sentence, that naturally breaks things down. I can only feel at the bottom emotionally and push myself for so long.


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## guitarheaven (Nov 27, 2010)

Hi everyone,

We have gone our seperate ways. It was tough at first, but i feel so relieved now. I have no doubt that i made the right decision by leaving. I know that i have faults like everyone else. But i also know that you cant deny that living with people who are never happy and refuse to let themselves be happy will bring you down . Thanks for your input before. It really helped me out.


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