# Found out wife cheated first year of our marriage,7 years later



## RestlessInGeorgia

I found out yesterday that my wife cheated on me during the first year of our marriage, when we were having an argument and she went to stay with a friend. She slept with this friend and I had suspected they had slept together for many years of our marriage. Something just didn't seem right between the two of them. Whenever he introduced a new girlfriend to us, she was overly critical of her, to the point of sounding jealous. Whenever I would confront her about it, she would get pissed at me and tell me that I don't trust her and that nothing was going on and nothing had ever gone on between the two of them. 

Yesterday, we were at her moms house for memorial day, to go swimming. Her mom and her cousin were there and they were drinking. My wife decided to set her cousin up with this friend. They were texting back and forth. Her mom, being drunk, said that this friend had mentioned that he hoped her cousin was happy with "small meat". I found this statement odd because I've never known this guy to talk like that with my wife. Well later after we left her moms house, I asked to hold her cell phone. She was apprehensive at first, but finally just gave it to me. I looked at the messages between her and this guy. Only one thing struck me as odd. When he sent the message about "small meat" her response was "no u don't". So I asked her how she knew the size of his ****. She said she didn't even remember sending that. I made her look at the messages again. She still maintained that she didn't remember sending it. She also still maintained they never slept together.

I told her that I wanted to hold her phone again. She asked why. I told her that I was going to send a message to him from her phone asking "Do you remember that time we slept together?" She asked why I wanted to send that message. I told her because if you haven't slept together, the response from him should be "WTF are you talking about?" and I would drop the subject forever and she could tell him that she sent the message to the wrong number accidently. She insisted that I send him the message from my phone so he wasn't tricked. I told her that if she wasn't going to let me send the message, then she was going to do it. I asked her if she already knew what the response would be, that's why she didn't want the message sent. This is when she came clean.

She told me that during the first year of our marriage, we had gotten into an argument and I kicked her out of the house. (I don't remember kicking her out of the house, I thought it was a mutual decompress period from the argument) She went to stay with him, which was fine to me because he was a good friend at the time and I didn't fear anything would happen then. She said while she was there it just happened. I told her that she always had the choice, that situations might be right, but right before that had sex, she could have chosen not to. She said that it was a mistake that she regrets and never happened again after that and that she was trying to just forget about it and hoped I would never find out because she never wanted to hurt me. I told her that lies are always revealed. It may be immediately or several years later, but lies are always found out. 

I asked her if she had slept with him after that, or with anyone else while we've been married. She said she hadn't, which at this point, I don't believe. I told her we have three choices, she can leave, I can leave, or I can choose to forgive her but it would take time. I also told her that I better never hear this guys name, see his number on her phone or phone records. I told her that I still love her, I'm just confused about what to do now. I told her that this happened for her 7 years ago, but for me it might as well have happened yesterday.

She tried to sleep on the couch last night, but I told her she could sleep in the bed with me if she wanted to. I really don't have it in me to be an ******* right now. This morning she was all weepy. I went about doing my normal morning ritual because I'm not ready to decide yet and I think it's too soon to decide. My nerves are just shot and I don't know what to do. This is the ultimate betrayal.


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## Workingitout

I feel for you, having been there. I think your course of action to get her to confess was brilliant. Goodluck with whatever you choose to do from this point on.


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## RestlessInGeorgia

Thanks for the compliment. I figured that tactic would get the turth one way or another. The sad thing is, I feel worse for having found out and at this point I don't trust much that she says. For all I know they slept together many more times. I would like to be able to forgive, I'm just not in the frame of mind to make that decision right now.

What did you do in your situation and why? I'm not looking for someone to tell me what I should do. I know only I can decide that. Thanks for any information.


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## RestlessInGeorgia

findingmyway said:


> my experience is as the om and you may not want to know...but. 1 I would be stunned if she has told you everything to this point. She remained friends with him and was jealous of his gfs? Been there, he has had her repeatedly over the course of your marriage. Your best bet to find the whole truth would have been to ask him quickly. She will certainly contact him as soon as possible to make sure their stories match. Check her phone or email you will see. 2 women are harder to get when newly married. I doubt he is the only other guy. 3 you will likely need a polygraph or the threat of one to know the truth. Maybe you can also get some useful information from a keylogger for her pc and phone.
> 
> I have no advice for you regarding what to do about the information. Just letting you know how I have seen this progress before from my end.


I'm pretty sure they had slept together more than once. But, in the end once is all it takes. She will probably never confess to any other times and that is fine. He's in the military, so I could always threaten to tell his commanding officer about the affair, so I can get all the information.


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## Eli-Zor

It is very likely your wife is lying and has been in an ongoing affair with this guy, your issue is she will try sweep it under the rug. For openess tell her you want the whole truth, even suggest you know more than she thinks you do, it is your choice to forgive however as she has continued to maintain contact there is a lot more going on. She can start by sending him a mail that you read and verify that tells him you know of the affair and she wants no further contact with him , a template of the no contact letter is on the affaircare.com under the articles. Warn him in the letter if he does contact her she will lay a harassment charge against him.

To protect yourself from any future lies to her family either you together tell them of the affair or you tell them, do not give her the chance to call them to cover herself and her excuse is she had an argument is bull%**^

The only real way to get the truth from her is to polygraph her , if you go this route do not back down.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pit-of-my-stomach

Do you have children?


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## Lilyana

I found out my H cheated on me in the beginning of our relationship. Before we were married. I chose to forgive it. But I never forgot it. If I had listened to my head then, I would have ran. Things only got worse. MUCH MUCH worse.


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## RestlessInGeorgia

Eli-Zor said:


> It is very likely your wife is lying and has been in an ongoing affair with this guy, your issue is she will try sweep it under the rug. For openess tell her you want the whole truth, even suggest you know more than she thinks you do, it is your choice to forgive however as she has continued to maintain contact there is a lot more going on. She can start by sending him a mail that you read and verify that tells him you know of the affair and she wants no further contact with him , a template of the no contact letter is on the affaircare.com under the articles. Warn him in the letter if he does contact her she will lay a harassment charge against him.
> 
> To protect yourself from any future lies to her family either you together tell them of the affair or you tell them, do not give her the chance to call them to cover herself and her excuse is she had an argument is bull%**^
> 
> The only real way to get the truth from her is to polygraph her , if you go this route do not back down.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm trying to find out how many times they slept together. I sent the OM a message telling him he owed me at least that much information. He may not answer, but I'm monitoring her cellular activity to see if she gets any messages from him. This will tell me that they are trying to get their stories straight. I know she is lying about how many times. But, your idea about a polygraph test is a good one. I found a place locally that does them. I'm going to tell her that she is going to take one and I will take one as well. This way we know what the truth is once and for all. She has accused me in the past, probably out of her own guilt, and I never have. I've come close twice, and she knows this, but I never followed through with it.


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## RestlessInGeorgia

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Do you have children?


No, she has children from a previous relationship.


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## RestlessInGeorgia

Lilyana said:


> I found out my H cheated on me in the beginning of our relationship. Before we were married. I chose to forgive it. But I never forgot it. If I had listened to my head then, I would have ran. Things only got worse. MUCH MUCH worse.


My fear is that it's going to get a lot worse if I choose to forgive too. She was all weepy this morning. I don't know if it's because of remorse or because I know they at least slept together once. Did your husband lie about how many times he cheated, did he continue to cheat after you forgave him, or was there so much resentment that the marriage continued to get worse?


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## Lilyana

RestlessInGeorgia said:


> My fear is that it's going to get a lot worse if I choose to forgive too. She was all weepy this morning. I don't know if it's because of remorse or because I know they at least slept together once. Did your husband lie about how many times he cheated, did he continue to cheat after you forgave him, or was there so much resentment that the marriage continued to get worse?


I tried to forget it, he cheated repeatedly. And I kept letting him. I became a doormat. Letting his problem dictate everything in my life. He continuosly lied to me, and still does even now that we are seperated moving toward divorce. I think that if someone has it in them to cheat, and you let them once, chances are they will do it again. 

Now that might not be true in EVERY case, but it certainly is in mine. But just because it happened to me doesn't mean it will happen to you. 

Trust your gut. And don't let her get away with anything. If she wants it to work she will give you everything you ask for. You have to be a hard a$$. Tough love.


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## RestlessInGeorgia

NZHappy said:


> My friend - I have to agree - from your descriptions it sounds like your wife has not been fully honest with you. There's a thing called Tickle Truth (TT) and frankly, it sounds like she's not coming completely clean straight away.
> 
> You might be OK not knowing how many times she slept with him - but are you OK with her deceiving you and still having feelings for this man (otherwise, why get jealous of his girlfriends?).
> 
> Best of luck.


Well, I decided to find out a better way. I messaged the OM and asked him how many times he and she slept together. I told him, he could either tell me in the text or in front of his Commanding Officer. See, here in the states a military official will get into serious trouble for Adultery considering it's against the governing law of the U.S. military. They can be jailed and stripped of rank because of it. 

At this point he responded and told me that they slept together twice during the time she stayed at his house 7 years ago and they both felt like **** for doing it and decided to stop and never speak of it again. I would tend to believe him because he is being faced with jail time through the military. I told him that I'm not a vindictive person and there was no need for get his CO involved.

I then sent a message to my wife and told her that I now know there were two times they slept together. She responded by saying she would pack her things this evening. I told her there was no need to, I just want honesty. It's amazing what a little cunning will get you. Knowing that they slept together twice doesn't really change anything. It just proves that she only told a half-truth.


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## Runs like Dog

Was this at the White Trash Regional Championship Games or the ******* Olympics because the whole lot of them sound like trailer brides.


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## RestlessInGeorgia

Lilyana said:


> I tried to forget it, he cheated repeatedly. And I kept letting him. I became a doormat. Letting his problem dictate everything in my life. He continuosly lied to me, and still does even now that we are seperated moving toward divorce. I think that if someone has it in them to cheat, and you let them once, chances are they will do it again.
> 
> Now that might not be true in EVERY case, but it certainly is in mine. But just because it happened to me doesn't mean it will happen to you.
> 
> Trust your gut. And don't let her get away with anything. If she wants it to work she will give you everything you ask for. You have to be a hard a$$. Tough love.


If I decide to forgive her, she will know and agree to be completely transparent about anything I ask without being upset in any way. She will also be aware that if I find a secret cell phone, e-mail account, etc., she will leave immediately and we will get divorced. If I find any evidence that she is having an affair, we will get divorced. I'm not going to let her just walk all over me and I'm not going out to sleep with someone too just to get revenge. I wouldn't ever wish her the pain that I've been caused.


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## RestlessInGeorgia

Runs like Dog said:


> Was this at the White Trash Regional Championship Games or the ******* Olympics because the whole lot of them sound like trailer brides.


Huh?


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## Runs like Dog

Drunk mothers, cheating wives, conspiracy sisters? Holy Moly they've had a great laugh at your expense. And for a long time. What a bunch.


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## RestlessInGeorgia

Runs like Dog said:


> Drunk mothers, cheating wives, conspiracy sisters? Holy Moly they've had a great laugh at your expense. And for a long time. What a bunch.


I agree. The sad thing is, her family is what I would describe as trailer trash. She seemed different from all of them when we were dating. She had goals in life and has gone to college to better herself. Hell, she's a nurse and makes decent money. I guess I was just very deceived.


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## kenmoore14217

I agree with FMW, there is more truth to come out!! Push strongly for the poly


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## RestlessInGeorgia

findingmyway said:


> RIG, hmm you may be in a unique position to extract the truth. Do not back off the polygraph idea. My bet is that they already had their story set. She had years to get it down. You can use the poly to get him to fess up. Let him know that if the poly reveals she is lying that you will contact his CO. Give him a get out of jail free card and he will sing. You can also ask him about other guys he may know of.
> 
> I doubt he is the only om, he may or may not know the answer.
> 
> seriously, you had an argument with her so she went and spent the night at a male friends house. WTF were you thinking? And he feels so guilty that he stayed in your lives for the past 7 years without having sex with her again. Makes no sense to me.
> 
> good luck.


I have no idea what I was thinking when I sent her to stay at his house. At the time, he was in a committed relationship as well, he wasn't married though. I guess it was youthful stupidity at the time. I have known it was a mistake for years. I just found out the truth of why it was a mistake. And, I do plan on going through with the polygraph test. I also plan to have one done on myself for her. I want the entire truth of our life together to be laid out in black and white. She has accused me of cheating, probably out of her own guilt. I want her to know once and for all that I never touched another woman besides her, the entire time we have been together. I was put in a situation twice where I could have, but backed out at the last second. I have told her about both of these instances, because even getting to that point made me feel guilty. I also want to know once and for all how many men she has actually had an affair with.


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## RestlessInGeorgia

After I confronted her, through text message, about having actually slept with him twice, she said she would pack her things and leave tonight after she got off of work. I'm still not sure that I want her to leave. I really don't know what I want. I need the results of a polygraph to figure it out once and for all.


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## alphaomega

Restless,

Does a polygraph matter? Two times, four, one hundred. Does that really change anything?

OK. So, ask yourself, and think hard....Do you want to keep the marriage? If not, thats fine. No one will judge you.

If you do...then...

1. Stop being so lovey and accomadating. If you are too lovey right now, what happens is that you give the impression that you will sweep this under the rug, without her doing the heavy lifting. This is not a good way to instill the respect you need.

2. Call up the OM. Tell him he is NEVER allowed to call, text, come by the house, anything, ever again.

3. Call up the in-law mother. Ask her how long she knew about the affair. Ask her why she didn't feel the need to tell you. It's obvious that she holds little respect for you either. Tell her she is not allowed in your family home ever again until you decide otherwise. She needs to respect you. Her behavior enabled your wife, in a way, in giving the impression that her infidelity was not that big a deal.

4. This is the biggest issue. Now, mostly what you did so far was excellent, like showing your personal boundaries, but some of the things your are doing are not so great....not bad...but not great.
Make her sleep on the couch for a while. Why? Because you are pissed. And your marital bed is only for your marriage partner, someone that is committed fully to the marriage. Until she shows you she is, it's couch time.

She wants to move out tonight. Fine. This is a ploy to see if you will cave. My response would be..."Well, I'm willing to allow you to work on this marriage, but if you just want to leave and not fully commit to repairing this relationship, then fine. Your free to go."
Dollars for donuts she wont bail. This is a type of fitness test.

Next. Don't be so available. Pick two nights a week, maybe three, whatever, to go hang out with the guys and do manly things. That is, if you aren't already. Go to the gym. Go shoot big guns. Do yoga. Whatever. Doesn't matter. Start focusing on you. This is important. You need to work on yourself, and get some independence back in your personality if you feel that you lost WAY TOO MUCH of it in your marriage, in that you focused only on her needs all the time, gave them priority, and let yours slip. I'm not sure if this is your case, but if it is, stop. Your needs are just as important as hers. They make you..well...you. They also make you a better man. Focus on you. Get stronger. Be manly. Stop focusing all your attention on her all the time if that is the case.

Ok. So...if she stays. Then ask her if she's committed and will work on the relationship. She needs to carry the weight here. 
Don't give yourself a polygraph. You did nothing wrong. And you don't have to prove anything to her. Keep it at that. Besides, that's not going to win her back, if that's your plan.

Is that your plan? If so, there's more you need to do. If yes, then you are portraying too many Nice Guy traits. Go to the Mens Forum and read the sticky on Manning Up and Nice Guys. It's not your job to "win" her back. You are deserving of respect, and you are a catch. If she can't see that, then that's her problem. There are literally thousands of women out there that would be happy to be with you. 

Good luck, friend! It's going to be a hard road.


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## RestlessInGeorgia

alphaomega said:


> Restless,
> 
> Does a polygraph matter? Two times, four, one hundred. Does that really change anything?
> 
> OK. So, ask yourself, and think hard....Do you want to keep the marriage? If not, thats fine. No one will judge you.
> 
> If you do...then...
> 
> 1. Stop being so lovey and accomadating. If you are too lovey right now, what happens is that you give the impression that you will sweep this under the rug, without her doing the heavy lifting. This is not a good way to instill the respect you need.
> 
> 2. Call up the OM. Tell him he is NEVER allowed to call, text, come by the house, anything, ever again.
> 
> 3. Call up the in-law mother. Ask her how long she knew about the affair. Ask her why she didn't feel the need to tell you. It's obvious that she holds little respect for you either. Tell her she is not allowed in your family home ever again until you decide otherwise. She needs to respect you. Her behavior enabled your wife, in a way, in giving the impression that her infidelity was not that big a deal.
> 
> 4. This is the biggest issue. Now, mostly what you did so far was excellent, like showing your personal boundaries, but some of the things your are doing are not so great....not bad...but not great.
> Make her sleep on the couch for a while. Why? Because you are pissed. And your marital bed is only for your marriage partner, someone that is committed fully to the marriage. Until she shows you she is, it's couch time.
> 
> She wants to move out tonight. Fine. This is a ploy to see if you will cave. My response would be..."Well, I'm willing to allow you to work on this marriage, but if you just want to leave and not fully commit to repairing this relationship, then fine. Your free to go."
> Dollars for donuts she wont bail. This is a type of fitness test.
> 
> Next. Don't be so available. Pick two nights a week, maybe three, whatever, to go hang out with the guys and do manly things. That is, if you aren't already. Go to the gym. Go shoot big guns. Do yoga. Whatever. Doesn't matter. Start focusing on you. This is important. You need to work on yourself, and get some independence back in your personality if you feel that you lost WAY TOO MUCH of it in your marriage, in that you focused only on her needs all the time, gave them priority, and let yours slip. I'm not sure if this is your case, but if it is, stop. Your needs are just as important as hers. They make you..well...you. They also make you a better man. Focus on you. Get stronger. Be manly. Stop focusing all your attention on her all the time if that is the case.
> 
> Ok. So...if she stays. Then ask her if she's committed and will work on the relationship. She needs to carry the weight here.
> Don't give yourself a polygraph. You did nothing wrong. And you don't have to prove anything to her. Keep it at that. Besides, that's not going to win her back, if that's your plan.
> 
> Is that your plan? If so, there's more you need to do. If yes, then you are portraying too many Nice Guy traits. Go to the Mens Forum and read the sticky on Manning Up and Nice Guys. It's not your job to "win" her back. You are deserving of respect, and you are a catch. If she can't see that, then that's her problem. There are literally thousands of women out there that would be happy to be with you.
> 
> Good luck, friend! It's going to be a hard road.


I must have made it sound like her mother was aware of the affair. This isn't the case, or as far as I know isn't. My wife was trying to set her cousin up with this guy yesterday. I don't believe she is still having an affair with him anymore at this point. As far as another man, who knows, I don't. The messages between my wife and the OM supported that she was trying to set her cousin up with him. Her mom was a little drunk and found it funny that he was joking about how small his **** was in the text messages. My wife must have read that message aloud. My wife was the one that responded to him and told him he didn't have a small ****. I'm pretty sure her mother wasn't aware of the response. 

I have to agree about the, "let her sleep on the couch". I guess I was a little too soft on that. I am going to make her aware that she needs to sleep there until I have decided to forgive her and she has committed herself to me again. 

I also agree that the "I will pack my things when I get off of work" is a ploy to see if I'll cave. I told her already that I wasn't sure whether I wanted her to stay or leave, but if she decides to, then that's her choice and I will go see an attorney tomorrow to file for divorce. 

I do try to focus on being an attentive husband. Sometimes I can be an @$$hole, but I'm sure every man has that capability, just like every woman has the capability to be *****y. I don't rightly know of anything I ever did to deserve "this" though. I will stop pandering to her so much. I also need to go and hang out with friends more often. That's something that suffered a lot while we have been married. We are pretty much stuck up each others hind end when we are off of work.

I think I agree with you on the polygraph. There's nothing I need to prove. I didn't do anything wrong to begin with. And, there really is no need for it with her because I've already discovered she is a liar and paying for a polygraph to back that up is just a waste of money that may be needed for an attorney. The only reason I would want to know about other men is so that I can be tested for STD's. Which I'm going to have done regardless. 

I'm just not sure I want to forgive her at this point. I'm not too sure I want to even continue being married to her. I will forgive her one day, for myself, regardless of whether we stay married or not.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach

I suspect once the eye of the sh1tstorm of emotions passes over you are going to be able to take a hard look at the situation and assess the damage. Looks "totaled" from here... The cost of rebuilding is far greater than the value you will ever get out it, it's junk, built on a faultline.


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## workindad

You need more information at this point. I doubt you have the whole picture yet. 

She seems awful quick to want to pack her bags and go??? She either wants out or is trying to play you for a pass on this one. 


Whatever you do, don't send her off to another male friend's house while you figure out what you want. Figure out what you want first, then if you decide you want to be rid her... then send her packing.

Best of luck.


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## ahhhmaaaan!

"I really don't have it in me to be an ******* right now."- This is your problem- You're too damn nice. You need to keep her on her toes by being a little more apprehensive about the situation. I find it kind of odd that she would actually leave just like that, without begging for forgiveness, or trying her damn hardest to convince you of her remorse. I don't know about this one.


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## ClipClop

If she can't face him and her shame it might explain it. There are also people who just give up. If she is generally beta, I can see her leaving.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ShootMePlz!

One thing that struck me was that this event happened 6-7 years ago but she somehow remembered that he didn't have a small "Tool"!!!  Look she remained friends with this guy!!! That says alot right there!!!

Also as a 20 year retired vet..... the military won't put him jail for screwing a non-military members spouse but it could effect his rating and ability to re-enlist. If it were a military members wife then he would be crushed!!! But it still should scare the crap out of him.


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## ClipClop

So she remembered his size. I remember guys from 20 years ago. And unless someone EA reAlly memorable for being far on either edge of the spectrum. It OS reasonable to.conclude they were just fine no matter bow long ago or vague your memory. Further how many friends would you say you tell them they are right. You are small
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem

I have to say, the whole marriage has been a lie from the beginning. When one spouse cheats in the FIRST year of marriage, it taints the whole marriage. And supposedly over ONE argument and she fu#ks this guy? He obviously didn't rape her. She chose to have sex with this guy, so she was obviously attracted to him before she married you and vice versa.

Remember the Trickle Truth. You have only discovered the tip of the iceberg. And don't believe the OM just because he said so. He won't confess to you, and I don't care if he's in the military or not. All you have is basically his word and your WWs word, not hard evidence that would stand as evidence in an Article 15, much less a court martial. From the way she has been guarding her phone from you, it's obvious the affair has been ongoing, whether or not they slept 2 times or a hundred times.

And yes, your wife is in a Long Term Affair (LTA), and this has been going on for 7 years, the entire length of your marriage. Maybe it went from a PA to an EA, but it's still cheating. And you don't even know when the last time she had sex with this guy. You have to remember that she's kept this a secret from you for 7 years. It's been more than once or twice. 

Either way, you are still in the initial shock/denial/survival mode. At this point, you feel like you love her so much you are willing to do anything to forgive her and save the marraige. You will probably hit your Anger stage in the next couple of months and you will wonder why the hell are you staying with her. In the meantime, you are going to be on this emotional roller coaster.

Follow the advice above. Have her send the NC letter ASAP. Install computer monitoring software on the computer and her phone if possible. Get a VAR, and be prepared to monitor her. There may be a secret email account and secret cell phone. You have to know for certain if the A is still ongoing, and if she breaks NC.

She must be totally transparent with all passwords to all accounts, cell phones, emails. If she isn't and insists its an invasion of privace, let her know that you now have EVERY RIGHT since she has seriously damaged the marriage. If she doesn't do so willingly, then she is not remorseful and not ready to R.

Get tested for STDs, there's always the possibility she has gotten something, and no, don't believe her if she says they used protection. They almost always never do.

Polygraph her if you can afford it. If you decide to R, you have to stand strictly by your requirements. Remember, if she receives ANY communication from him and she doesn't tell you about it, that is also breaking NC. At this early stage, either she or he will attempt to fish and break NC. They almost always do, especially since this is an LTA. They just don't drop their affair partner overnight when they've spent years in an LTA.


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## RestlessInGeorgia

Update:

We spoke last night after she got home from work. I asked her why she lied and told me they only slept together once. She asked me if it made it easier to find out it happened twice. I told her that at this point the truth is her friend and that if she wishes for me to decide to forgive her, she needs to be completely transparent to me. I told her that I scheduled a polygraph for Friday after work and that she will submit to it. I told her that if she is caught in any lies, she's gone. She said she had not problem with taking the polygraph. I guess this may be a good sign that she is telling the truth. I know she could be lying and cave the night before and spill the truth. Either way, by Friday afternoon I will have all the answers I need to determine whether I can even start to entertain the thought of forgiveness. 

She asked me what I wanted to do. I told her that in the emotional state I am in right now (Anger), she really doesn't want my decision. She asked what the decision would be and I told her that if she wanted a decision then, it would be for her to pack her things and leave for good. After a confronted her about her lie yesterday, she said she was going to pack her things and leave when she got off of work. This was a ploy, just as someone earlier had stated. 

She continued to tell me that she was in a lot of pain over what she had done and she never wanted to hurt me. I told her that she had no right to try to compare her pain and suffering to mine. She committed the ultimate betrayal and all the times I might have been an a$$h0le, put together, would not come close to the first time they slept together, let alone the second time as well. I also told her she was a hypocrite for accusing me of ever having had an affair on her. She had done this twice, after the affair. I guess it's true that people that have affairs tend to accuse the other spouse of having one as well. I came close twice but pulled my self out of it. She already knew about both times because I don't carry guilt around very well.

I told her shame on her for coming down on me, when I accused her of cheating on me with this man several times during our marriage and making me feel like a [email protected]$$ for not trusting her. I told her that keeping him around after the affair, even is nothing was still going on, was a slap in the face to me. I told her I wasn't too sure that they didn't have the affair the entire time we were married. I said that we would find out Friday from the polygraph. She still maintained that those were the only times and said she couldn't wait to prove it to me Friday.

We have already sent a NC to the OM. I made sure that she knew what she was signing and what it meant if any of the terms of the NC were broken, by her, in any way. She said that she understood. I told her that if he tried to contact her in any way, she was to tell me immediately. I also told her that if I find out they had contact in any way and I wasn't made fully aware of it, she was gone for good.

She said this morning that she no longer wanted to use the cell phone that was in my name because she didn't want me to continue monitoring her phone. I told her she had two options, either continue to use that cell phone or have no cell phone at all. I told her that if I found out about another cell phone of any kind, secret or even if she told me about it, she would be gone. I told her I have every right to look at the call and text message logs now and that if I looked at her phone and noticed that a message or call was deleted that was on the log, she was gone. 

I'm pretty sure it was a LTA, even if by some chance there weren't any more sexual indiscretions, there was definitely and EA going on through the years or there wouldn't have been that slight hint of jealousy in her voice when he introduced us to a new girlfriend. The EA is just as bad if not worse than the PA. Although, it was probably a full on affair for our entire marriage. If I find out this is the case from the polygraph, my decision is made and final and I will go directly to a divorce attorney on Monday.


----------



## Eli-Zor

Stay on course, I am sure there is a lot more going on than she is admitting even if it changed from a PA to an EA it is still an affair no matter how it is described. Her comments on the cell phone are a huge red flag.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rob774

To the OP, first of all... hats off to you for handling this situation this way. Its a shame you couldn't pick up the phone immediately after getting the OM's number of times he slept with her, and call her and said, i found out it was more than once. This way she could of come clean on more of a solid number. More than likely, once he admitted to you it was only 2x, he contacted her to make sure she stuck to that number. But at this point, i would assume the worst, and that it has probably gone on for years.

I always said i could forgive an affair, if i was mistreating you, pretty much drove you into the arms of another man. But if that wasn't the case at all, and you just were being selfish... i would have serious concerns about giving it another go. But like it is now, its all on her, if she does the right thing... you guys can get through this... could luck.


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## Jellybeans

Eh. Sorry you find yourself in this situation.
My bet is this has been going on behind your back for a long long time, perhaps your entire marriage.

Now I could be wrong but my bet is that it was never completely over between them.

What is the backstory wtih this guy. How does she know him? Did they ever date before you and her got together? Your gut was right on the money--you suspected there was something "off" about them and you were correct. The fact he'd have lots of girlfriends and she'd act really jealous is very telling.

Her texting him about his size--sure, we women remember details like that but she is MARRIED to YOU so that was totally inappropriate for her to be talking about it with him.

My bet is she and he spoke and got their stories straightened out. She said it happened once, he said two. It was probably more. Get tested for STDs.

Also, when you asked her "Why did say it happened once when it was twice" and she asked you if it would make you better it it was only one time...TOTAL DEFLECTION. She didn't even answer your question! 
But that is neither here nor there.

My feeling is this was a Long-Term Affair. I could be wrong but that is the way it comes across to me. It's more of a betrayal sine they were friends in front of your face and still texting about d!ck size. 

Advice: first you need to figure out what you want. If it's to be with her, he needs to be out of her life 100%. Not more friendship w/ this guy. If you want out, file for divorce. 

Have you talked to him since?

*She said this morning that she no longer wanted to use the cell phone that was in my name because she didn't want me to continue monitoring her phone*

This is very telling and a huge red flag.


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## F-102

Well played, sir!


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## lordmayhem

First let me say that you are doing great, and that I admire your strength and resolve in this. What you are doing is standing your ground and fighting for your marriage.



RestlessInGeorgia said:


> We spoke last night after she got home from work. I asked her why she lied and told me they only slept together once. She asked me if it made it easier to find out it happened twice. I told her that at this point the truth is her friend and that if she wishes for me to decide to forgive her, she needs to be completely transparent to me. I told her that I scheduled a polygraph for Friday after work and that she will submit to it. I told her that if she is caught in any lies, she's gone. She said she had not problem with taking the polygraph. I guess this may be a good sign that she is telling the truth. I know she could be lying and cave the night before and spill the truth. Either way, by Friday afternoon I will have all the answers I need to determine whether I can even start to entertain the thought of forgiveness.


Yes, you caught her first TT where she only admitted to one time and the OM admitted to two times. They ALWAYS minimize the extent of the affair, hence the term trickle truth. 

I've read many stories where the WS will readily agree to the polygraph, in the hopes that you are bluffing. Don't be surprised if she tries to back out at the last minute, with excuses like you don't really need one, or citing the expense. You may even possibly get the "parking lot" confession, where she will tearfully confess to a little more about the A in the parking lot before going inside, in the hopes that you won't go through with the polygraph. I truly hope that this won't be the case with you and it was truly only twice (which hurts just the same anyway).



RestlessInGeorgia said:


> She said this morning that she no longer wanted to use the cell phone that was in my name because she didn't want me to continue monitoring her phone. I told her she had two options, either continue to use that cell phone or have no cell phone at all. I told her that if I found out about another cell phone of any kind, secret or even if she told me about it, she would be gone. I told her I have every right to look at the call and text message logs now and that if I looked at her phone and noticed that a message or call was deleted that was on the log, she was gone.


Like jellybeans said, a huge red flag. You already know that you have every right to monitor since she cheated, especially since that is a physical instrument of the A. A good way to ensure there is no secret cell phone or find out if there is one, is to purchase a Voice Activated Recorder (VAR) or two. A strategic place to place one is usually under the drivers seat of her vehicle. If there is one place cheaters feel secure with talking to their affair partner is in their vehicle. HurtinginTennessee placed a hidden VAR near the computer and got a hit and discovered a 2nd secret cell phone. On the SI site, there is a poster named ChoppingOnions. He wasn't getting hits on the VAR in the normal places because his WW is an experienced cheater. He got the guts to hide it in her purse! She didn't discover it and it blew his mind that he discovered that there is an OM#2 and the VAR showed she told her OM#2 to stop calling or texting her for a while because ChoppingOnions was on to her. A VAR can definitely help if the cheaters decide to take the A underground. This is in addition to any computer monitoring software and possibly phone monitoring software. 

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Why do you have to practically be a PI? Because like most of us, you have invested years, money, and love into the marriage, so it's not that easy to walk away from without definite proof of broken NC, or she has kept NC. You want to be able to begin to trust her. This starts with her being transparent, and with you verifying that there is NC between them. As time goes by and you find no renewed contact, you will start to begin to feel safe again. You will begin to start trusting again since you have verified NC. And as time goes by, you will find yourself checking on her less and less often. This is how trust is rebuilt.



RestlessInGeorgia said:


> I'm pretty sure it was a LTA, even if by some chance there weren't any more sexual indiscretions, there was definitely and EA going on through the years or there wouldn't have been that slight hint of jealousy in her voice when he introduced us to a new girlfriend. The EA is just as bad if not worse than the PA. Although, it was probably a full on affair for our entire marriage. If I find out this is the case from the polygraph, my decision is made and final and I will go directly to a divorce attorney on Monday.


Even if it reverted to an EA only, that is just as hurtful and agonizing. She shared the most intimate thoughts and details of herself with an OM instead of you. There is that deep emotional connection between them that should have been reserved soley for you because you are her spouse, not him. I feel for you, I know how it feels.

You are doing great! Keep to your boundaries and I hope all goes well for you and that the polygraph goes good. Remember, she has to do the heavy lifting now that she has cheated. Trust but verify!


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## lordmayhem

Forgot to add: The first rule in monitoring is to NEVER EVER reveal your sources or methods of monitoring. If they know how you are monitoring them, they will find other ways of evading detection and taking the A further underground.


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## RestlessInGeorgia

lordmayhem said:


> Forgot to add: The first rule in monitoring is to NEVER EVER reveal your sources or methods of monitoring. If they know how you are monitoring them, they will find other ways of evading detection and taking the A further underground.


Thanks for all of your advice and encouragement. I'm really not at a mental state to determine if I want to truly salvage this marriage or cut my losses and move on. I know that there will be someone else if I decide to move on. My biggest problem is that I HAVE invested so much of myself into her. TAB has helped me out a lot these past few days. I'm generally a very emotional person during arguments, which keeps me from thinking straight. I've done a lot better with not getting too emotional, since I can vent here. I will continue to persist with the polygraph and hopefully I will find that she is being truthful. 

I made a mistake yesterday, when I got home from work. I told her that I didn't want to argue this evening. I knew damn full and well that I couldn't keep to that statement after I said it. She tried to have a decent meal for me when I got home. I told her thank you and while she was grilling dinner, and burning it BTW, I laid what I thought the "REAL" story to be. 

I told her that 6 years ago, it was actually 6 after I thought long and hard about it, we got into a major argument. I told her that I thought she needed to leave to figure out what she wanted out of this marriage. I don't remember what exactly the argument was over. She said she would, but she had nowhere to go. I suggested our friend (i.e. OM), since I trusted her and he seemed to be a great guy and true friend to me. 

OM came into our lives when my wife started working at an income tax office. They became friends at work, and we all became pretty good friends outside of work. He introduced us both to his girlfriend, whom he seemed very committed to and quite in love with. At the time of our argument, he had alread broken up with this girl, a couple weeks prior, and was telling us about a new girl he was pursuing that worked at Sonic's Drive-In. So, I still thought nothing of her crashing on his couch for a few days to figure out what she wanted. 

Anyways, she was there for three days. According to her, she was upset and reading a book, "Odd Thomas" to be exact, trying to get her mind off of me kicking her out. He came in and comforted her, while she was crying, and one thing lead to another and they slept together. Then they slept together the second night as well. On the third night, the girl from sonic came over and he stayed outside talking to her all night. When he came in and went to bed, she thought about what she was doing and decided to grab her things and come home and try to hide what she did for the sake of our marriage, because she didn't want to lose me. This was according to her. 

I told her I believed she was jealous and angry because he spent all night out talking to the sonic girl and knew he only used her for a piece of @$$, and nothing more. She decided she didn't want to be tossed away with the trash, so she decided to just settle for me, because it's better than having no one at all. Then, I told her, you kept him around as a "friend" because you had an emotional attachment, and you hoped that the affair would continue and it probably did, and you hoped he would tell you to leave me and be with him. I told her she was just waiting on that day to come and it never did because she was just a piece of @$$ for him to screw between girlfriends or even while he was with girlfriends and that she knew it. 

She pleaded with me that this wasn't the case and that they only slept together twice and never again after. She admitted that she may have had a slight emotional attachment, but that he was nothing more than a friend after she came home on the third night. I told her that I found it hard to believe. I told her that the text message between them on Monday over the size of his ****, showed that it wasn't something she tried to forget, or else she would have never brought that up in the messages. She said she was just being playful in the text messages. I told her bullsh!t and that she would never convince me of it. I told her no matter how many times she tells me, she wasn't remorseful of the affair even after this many years and that she probably isn't remorseful now, that she just feels guilty for having been caught.

She got upset and told me she had hoped we could have a night off from arguing and share a decent meal together. She said she was stupid for ever believing that would be the case. I told her that I apologize for misleading her about it earlier. I told her that unfortunately she has to listen to all the hurt and anger come pouring out, if she wants to stay there in this marriage, until I've worked through it and figure out what I want to do once and for all. I told her that after the polygraph, she may never have to worry about me again.

So when do these emotions of hurt/anger start to subside? My nerves are shot and I can't get any kind of rest at all. I know they'll subside in time, I just want them to give me a break for a few hours. God, I'm just so exhausted.


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## Jellybeans

She was "just being playful?" :rofl: Okaaay!

I'm with LM: never reveal your intel sources. 

Again, I think this was going behind your back for a long long time.

Your hurt and anger won't be going away anytime soon, RIG. Sorry to tell you. but you just found out. It's been a year and three days for me and I'm divorced now and even this morning in the car in rush hour I was thinking about my ex-H cheating and it was making me angry. The fact that you had to find out on your own and not because she told you makes it worse. 

What are you going to do???????????


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## F-102

Sounds like she's trying to weasel out of the polygraph.


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## Jellybeans

findingmyway said:


> RIG, you may not like my input, I have been the OM. However, some points to keep in mind.
> 
> 1. *The OM is not your friend. * Believe me, he thinks you are a D-bag.
> 2. The OM staying around and pretending to be your friend was for one reason. To keep nailing your wife.
> 3. The OM certainly would find her tect encouraging, I would take that there is still interest from her.
> 4.If she wasn't interested in me, she wouldn't keep me around.
> 
> See where this going? She doesn't want you monitoring her phone. She just told you her contact with him is continuing. Now she'll just use a different method. She's still balloing him or wants to.
> 
> I mean no harm with this reply.


This post is SPOT ON. The fact that they kept up the charade of being "friends" right in front of your face makes this 100x worse in my opinion.

I myself was involved in an EA/PA. Nothing absolves that at all but I will tell you that I NEVER would have introduced OM to my H, invited OM to any place/gathering where my H was or even taken him to the same places. No way. The level of cake-eating on both of their parts RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU is astounding! 

I ended the A on my own and when I did, I deleted my entire FB, OM's contacts from my phone and never ever spoke to him again. Also, I came clean to my H.

My feeling is that if she truly cared about the marriage and was committed to you and ONLY you, she would never ever ever have stayed in touch with OM.


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## Gabriel

Jelly, I've read a lot of your posts. Lemme get this straight, you had an affair, AND so did your spouse, later? You've been on both sides? That might explain your good insight on all this.


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## jnj express

Restless, be prepared for the lack of trust, the hatefulness, and whatever else, to go on for years----anything could/can trigger you, especially if you stay with your wife

5 yrs from now, she may do something out of the ordinary, without contacting you---I PROMISE YOU, THEN AND THERE, YOU VERY LIKELY WILL QUESTION HER HARD, OR JUST PLAIN ACCUSE HER OF CHEATING-----it is just the nature of the beast

The only thing that would alleviate all of this---is for you to D., if you stay, your sub-conscious will work you over, itgs just what the sub-c., does

The way this game is properly played out---is, if there is to be a R.---then your wife does anything/everything necessary to get you thru all your pain----she needs to hold you, help you, and and do ALL the HEAVY LIFTING

If she can't handle those kinds of things, anytime/everytime they come up---then your R., is in for problems

As to her cellphone---NOTHING IS TO BE HIDDEN---she is to be completely transparent, in re: TO EVERYTHING----stand for no less, allow no less

Do not be so completely positive as to the POLY---there are people who know how to beat them, and in all actuality, your wife may fully believe what she says---whether it is the truth or not

You don't really need anymore than what you have---WHAT YOU NEED TO DO, IS TO DECIDE HOW YOU WANNA SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE


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## Ronin

I still don't understand how men can accept this behavior. You have no kids with her, just drop her and move on to someone with morals and respect. How could a man ever look at a woman who gave herself to be used for sex to another man is beyond comprehension. Id rather burn to death or drown than keep that women. I don't care if its been 50 yrs. 

Stay hard on the polygraph so you can get the REAL truth. You know, the one where she's had sex with 14 different men including 5 guys you know and have hung out with. 

She doesn't appear to be a "one timer" from the story, even though once was enough. Personally, I would consider my marriage invalidated from the day it happened, and I'd be on the way to the divorce lawyer, 100%. Oh, and I'd report him to his COs too, just because of the scumbag way he carried on with her and knowingly betrayed you for a long period of time. Basically vindictive carnage and destruction to all involved etc.

Ronin


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## Jellybeans

Gabriel said:


> Jelly, I've read a lot of your posts. Lemme get this straight, you had an affair, AND so did your spouse, later? You've been on both sides? That might explain your good insight on all this.


That is correct. I've been both the BS and DS. Hub and I both told eachother. It was during our separation. 

RIG, stay tough! 

To me it's very telling that she does not want to give you her phone and didn't want to be "monitored"... to me that says it all. Oh and the fact that she was texting with him about his d!ck size with you right there, so many years after the fact. WTH.


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## sexuallyfustrated

Ronin said:


> I still don't understand how men can accept this behavior. You have no kids with her, just drop her and move on to someone with morals and respect. How could a man ever look at a woman who gave herself to be used for sex to another man is beyond comprehension. Id rather burn to death or drown than keep that women. I don't care if its been 50 yrs.
> 
> Stay hard on the polygraph so you can get the REAL truth. You know, the one where she's had sex with 14 different men including 5 guys you know and have hung out with.
> 
> She doesn't appear to be a "one timer" from the story, even though once was enough. Personally, I would consider my marriage invalidated from the day it happened, and I'd be on the way to the divorce lawyer, 100%. Oh, and I'd report him to his COs too, just because of the scumbag way he carried on with her and knowingly betrayed you for a long period of time. Basically vindictive carnage and destruction to all involved etc.
> 
> Ronin


You don't know how men accpt this from women? Wow but women should be use to it and take the man back because it's different , it's a man. I have heard this reasoning from so many ppl and it's not cool. What are you really saying with this in terms of women and men and affairs?


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## RestlessInGeorgia

@jnj_express - I've told my wife if there is any hope for Reconciliation that she will be doing all the heavy lifting. I made her understand that this didn't mean she would be doing all the work by herself, just the majority of it. I've decided to give her a list of things she has to be willing to live with and be understandable on, if there is any hope for R. She is aware that she must be completely transparent. I have all of her passwords. She is going to continue to use the phone on the account that I have access to. She is aware that her text messages on her phone must match the online records. If I ever ask her to see her text messages and they don't, she's aware that it is over at that point. If the OM contacts her in any way, she is aware she has to tell me about it and that her only response to him will be "Don't ever call me again, it's over and I love my husband." If she receives a phone call, the call better not last more than 1 min in the online records and she is to let me see the call in her phone call log to determine it lasted no more than a few seconds. Just enough time to tell him what I told her to. Unfortunately the online log only logs calls in minutes. She is also to only answer a call or message from him once and that's just to tell him this. If he continues to try to contact her, she must be willing to file a restraining order against him. I've told her at this point I am in self preservation mode and have to guarantee my safety as much as I can.

@Ronin - It's not that I accept this behavior, plainly I don't. If I did then I wouldn't have had a problem with her cheating on me to begin with or hiding it in plain sight for 6 years. You may be right, she may have had multiple guys that I don't know about. I'll find that out today at the polygraph. This will be the real test of whether reconciliation is a possibility. I've already made her aware that our marriage had been a complete and total sham from that day forward. Unfortunately I still love her and I've read stories on these forums where things could go either way. Our marriage could become the strongest it's ever been or it could become worse than it ever was. This is the risk I have to weigh before deciding to divorce her. 

My emotions seem to be calming down and I am starting to think rationally. I don't accept any blame for her cheating on me, I just accept that I wasn't a great husband before the cheating. I was young and still learning and naive enough to kick my wife out of my house and allow her to stay at another mans house. That is my only part in this. I may have been responsible for a tiny pin prick in our marriage, but she's responsible for the big gaping hole, which she slowly tore further and further open over the years. I almost fell into cheating on her twice, pulled away from those woman, and made her completely aware of them both. I didn't want to have to live with that kind of guilt and shame, and I sure as hell cared more about her feelings than she did about mine. 

I also asked her how do you fix a gaping hole. No band-aid will cover it, you can't stitch it back together because there is not enough skin, any gauze you try to pack in will eventually need to be changed which exposes the wound again. The only thing that can be done is to take great care of the wound and hope that it will close eventually, but it's going to take time and effort from her treating the wound whenever it starts to bleed. And, there will always be a scar there once it finally heals.

She hasn't confessed to anything else, even though the polygraph is this afternoon. She may in the parking lot beforehand, but if she does it will be a ploy to not go through with the poly. She is aware that if I find out there is more to the story or there were any other affairs, that it's over. I will not have my heart and emotions stomped on more from her. 

Thanks again for all the great advice on here and I will let everyone know the results of the poly as soon as I get them. We meet the examiner in a little over an hour. It's supposed to take between 1 1/2 to 3 hours and this examiner specializes in relationship polygraphs.


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## RestlessInGeorgia

Jellybeans said:


> That is correct. I've been both the BS and DS. Hub and I both told eachother. It was during our separation.
> 
> RIG, stay tough!
> 
> To me it's very telling that she does not want to give you her phone and didn't want to be "monitored"... to me that says it all. Oh and the fact that she was texting with him about his d!ck size with you right there, so many years after the fact. WTH.


I posted a little after you, but she has had a change of heart about the phone. Just read my previous post and you'll understand.

Edit: You're right about texting the size of his d!ck in front of me. It makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about it.


----------



## Grayson

sexuallyfustrated said:


> You don't know how men accpt this from women? Wow but women should be use to it and take the man back because it's different , it's a man. I have heard this reasoning from so many ppl and it's not cool. What are you really saying with this in terms of women and men and affairs?


Pay no mind to Ronin. He's got a VERY strict policy of zero tolerance for when a woman commits anything he views as a transgression against him, and expects them to know what he will see as such a transgression without being told, whether one might consider it obvious or not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WhereAmI

If he calls she should ignore his calls. Picking up the phone is allowing her to communicate with him.

If she were to go out of the way to contact him (new email, visit his house, etc.) that little contact could be used to say, "Meet me at my house in 20 minutes." 

Stick to *NO* contact.


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## RestlessInGeorgia

WhereAmI said:


> If he calls she should ignore his calls. Picking up the phone is allowing her to communicate with him.
> 
> If she were to go out of the way to contact him (new email, visit his house, etc.) that little contact could be used to say, "Meet me at my house in 20 minutes."
> 
> Stick to *NO* contact.


You're right. She did agree and send him an NC already.


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## lordmayhem

Sending you strength and wishing you luck. If she goes through with the polygraph and passes, then I would say your chances for R are very good.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach

RestlessInGeorgia said:


> I'll find that out today at the polygraph.
> 
> I will let everyone know the results of the poly as soon as I get them.


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## Jellybeans

^ I love that gif of MJ!


----------



## RestlessInGeorgia

Update:

The polygraph is over with and I've gotten the results. 

She didn't break down and admit anything in the parking lot, or the lobby of the testing facility. She said she wasn't lying to me about anything and that she would go ahead and take the polygraph to set my mind at ease and prove it. I told her that this was part of what it's going to take to help work towards any reconciliation.

The interviewer explained to us that he would ask the questions that I provided to him, but that he would also ask additional questions that would help ascertain other aspects of what led to the affair and what has happened since the affair. He said that I couldn't be in the room because it would influence her answers and could possibly throw the results off because she may be overly anxious because of my presence. He said he would start with a brief interview before the polygraph as a way to get to know her as a subject better. He says he does this as a way to loosen them up a little before hand, if at all possible, and also to see how his personal judgement compares to the results of the polygraph. Basically a pre-polygraph interview with some of the questions she would be asked during the polygraph. 

The entire process took about 2 hours and he called me back in. He explained to me that polygraphs are generally 95% or more accurate. We then started with the questions, it seemed like there were more than about 40 of them total. I only provided him with 18. On a couple of them, he said that her answer couldn't be verified as true or false the first time they were asked. They were do you have a complete lack of interest in sex with your spouse? She said no. The other was, do you think you had a truly happy marriage before the affair was found out? She said No. He told me that he asked these questions a second time and was able to verify the responses to be truthful.

As far as the major questions here are her answers and her responses were all verified as truthful.

1. Did you continue an affair with the OM after you told your husband it was over? (No)
2. Did you have an affair with anyone else after the OM? (No)
3. Are you remorseful over the affair you had on your husband? (Yes)
4. Did you keep the OM around as a friend to try to hide the affair from your husband? (Yes)
5. Did you have any feelings for the OM after the affair was over? (Yes)
6. Do you still have feelings for the OM now? (No)
7. Do you want to save your marriage? (Yes)
8. Do you want to save your marriage for financial security? (No)
9. Do you want to save your marriage because you love your husband? (Yes)
10. Did you keep the affair from him because you were worried about your husbands feelings? (Yes)
11. Do you feel the state of your marriage before the affair is the reason for the affair? (Yes)
12. Did you have intentions of sleeping with OM when your husband kicked you out? (No)
13. Are you likely to have an affair again, if your marriage runs into problems? (No)
14. Are you likely to have an affair on your husband in the future, regardless of marital problems? (No)
15. Do you have plans of ever contacting OM in the future? (No)
16. Have you been completely honest about the nature of the affair with OM? (Yes)

I guess all I can say is thank god for small victories. I guess she was being honest after she was caught and I spoke to OM to get the rest of the details. It really doesn't feel like a victory though. I still lose in the end. She had an affair and hid it from me for 6 years. Now all I have to do is figure out if reconciliation is truly an option and if I can live with that choice. 

I see some hard days ahead of me. Thanks again for all the advice. I will continue to update this thread as things progress. I kinda need it as a place to vent with people that know what I'm feeling and going through.


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## Darth Vader

Why bother with this woman? After all, she forced you to live a lie for 6 years! 6 years of your marriage are nothing but a LIE!


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## Eli-Zor

At least now you are in a position where you can make a more confident decision as to what you want next and how to take it forward. Start the journey it not going to be easy, keep very high boundaries, search for examples of extraordinary precautions your wife should implement, she has some heavy lifting to do for a long time. Breathe, give yourself some space to vent and move forward.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

I'm surprised you didn't ask how many times they had sex.

Something tells me it was WAY more than just those two times.


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## Grayson

As I understand it to work, Jellybeans, they have to be yes or no questions. Looking at the questions he says he provided, I see one or two that MIGHT cover that, but could also have enough wiggle room to them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RestlessInGeorgia

Darth Vader said:


> Why bother with this woman? After all, she forced you to live a lie for 6 years! 6 years of your marriage are nothing but a LIE!


I know that she's forced me to live a lie for the past 6 years. Right now I'm very confused about what I really want. She does have 2 kids from a previous relationship that I have known for most of their lives. A little girl that is 11 and a little boy that just became a teenager. I know they're not my biological children, but that doesn't mean I love them any less. We have been together a total of 10 years and some months. I really did/do love this woman. It's really not as cut and dry as many people believe or even I believed. I was able to give other friends advice when their spouses/girlfriends cheated on them. But, when it comes down to me, I can't even take my own advice. By even giving her the gift of reconciliation, it's like I'm just giving my seal of approval for the whole affair. I think that's what I'm having a hard time getting past at this point.

I see your concern and thank you for it. BTW, great user name. I'm a big Star Wars fan, of the original trilogy.


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## RestlessInGeorgia

Jellybeans said:


> I'm surprised you didn't ask how many times they had sex.
> 
> Something tells me it was WAY more than just those two times.



I don't think anymore than two times would make the pain or realization of the situation any better or worse. Once could be construed as a mistake, two or more times is a conscious decision. I know it was a conscious decision and that's all that matters. I felt I got the answers I needed to even entertain the idea of reconciliation. 

Thanks for all of your advice and support on here Jellybeans.


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## RestlessInGeorgia

Grayson said:


> As I understand it to work, Jellybeans, they have to be yes or no questions. Looking at the questions he says he provided, I see one or two that MIGHT cover that, but could also have enough wiggle room to them.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You're right, they advised me before hand to make sure any questions I wanted asked were posed in a yes/no format. They said that it was harder sometimes to ascertain truthfulness if the test subject has to put too much thought into the answer. They are already in a nervous state going into the polygraph and having to think too hard may cause false readings.


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## RestlessInGeorgia

findingmyway said:


> Does she have access to medication like Inderal? A friend told me it works for tests like this. Never tried it myself (poly or the drug).



Nope, she doesn't have access to any drugs. I know I mentioned she's a nurse, but not at a hospital. She works for a chiropractor. Chiropractors don't have the ability to write prescriptions of any kind because they're not medical doctors. She works there because the pay was better than at any of the local hospitals or doctor's offices.

It's kinda moot now anyways. The poly is already over and I don't have another $500 to spend on a second one.


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## RestlessInGeorgia

We have her kids this weekend, so I told her I would give her the weekend off from discussing the affair because the kids don't need to be aware that anything is going on unless I decide to end the marriage. 

Last night I decided to go to bed around 9:30 because I am thoroughly exhausted from all of this. Right as I fell asleep, I woke up again and had a major trigger. I got so angry that I just started to shake. I flashed on him and her having sex and it was very vivid. I think the mind movies are the worst part of this. I really just wish I could give a sh!t less, but I can't. I have pretty much been cold to her since.


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## lordmayhem

RestlessInGeorgia said:


> I know that she's forced me to live a lie for the past 6 years. Right now I'm very confused about what I really want. She does have 2 kids from a previous relationship that I have known for most of their lives. A little girl that is 11 and a little boy that just became a teenager. I know they're not my biological children, but that doesn't mean I love them any less. We have been together a total of 10 years and some months. I really did/do love this woman. It's really not as cut and dry as many people believe or even I believed. I was able to give other friends advice when their spouses/girlfriends cheated on them. But, when it comes down to me, I can't even take my own advice. By even giving her the gift of reconciliation, it's like I'm just giving my seal of approval for the whole affair. I think that's what I'm having a hard time getting past at this point.
> 
> I see your concern and thank you for it. BTW, great user name. I'm a big Star Wars fan, of the original trilogy.


I'm normally hard core when it comes to the wayward spouses, but in your case she has actually taken the polygraph without resistance and delays and passed, as well has being transparent and she's meeting your requirements for R. The gift of R is very precious, but it appears she is doing the heavy lifting to earn that gift. As long as you are monitoring her, I would say your chances are very good. Yes, you will continue to trigger, yes you will continue to have the mind movies. But these definitely lessen as time goes by and her actions are in accordance with R. It's not easy at all. But you certainly aren't validating her A in any way. You have taken decisive action with the poly, your strict requirements for R, and your monitoring. I think you're doing great.


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## RestlessInGeorgia

lordmayhem said:


> I'm normally hard core when it comes to the wayward spouses, but in your case she has actually taken the polygraph without resistance and delays and passed, as well has being transparent and she's meeting your requirements for R. The gift of R is very precious, but it appears she is doing the heavy lifting to earn that gift. As long as you are monitoring her, I would say your chances are very good. Yes, you will continue to trigger, yes you will continue to have the mind movies. But these definitely lessen as time goes by and her actions are in accordance with R. It's not easy at all. But you certainly aren't validating her A in any way. You have taken decisive action with the poly, your strict requirements for R, and your monitoring. I think you're doing great.


Thanks. My family found out the other day because I just kind of broke down while talking to my mom on the phone. She keeps trying to push me to just divorce her and move on. She believes that I gave up on too many dreams to be with this woman. I don't feel that way. I told my mom that I should have never told her about my wifes affair. She's just being my mom and trying to protect me, and I can't fault her for that. I just wish I had never opened my mouth.

My wife is unable to have kids after the two she has now, which is a great relief in light of the current situation. We had talked in the past two years of invetro-fertilization, but I procrastinated on moving forward. I wanted kids when I was younger, but knew I was giving that up to be with her. Her two kids are wonderful and that was always enough for me. I haven't wanted kids of my own since before we were married. 

I feel she being honest with me. I can tell she gets a little frustrated with me when I unload with questions about things over the years, but I remind her that part of my healing process is her being there to listen to me and answer any other questions I might have. I asked her why she is even getting frustrated to begin with. She said she isn't frustrated at me asking her questions, she's frustrated because she is trying to do things to help me through this and it doesn't seem to be doing any good. I told her that she couldn't have possibly hoped for me to be alright after a few days? She really didn't respond. 

She's not dealing very well with the guilt right now. What should I do? Should I show that I care about her guilty feelings? Should I just ignore them and focus on just me? I know I don't owe her anything as far as comforting her quilt, or do I? I just don't know how to respond to this. Right now I feel that I can't. Right now I feel like she deserves ever last guilty, shameful feeling she gets. And I wrong for feeling this way, or is it normal?


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## lordmayhem

RestlessInGeorgia said:


> She's not dealing very well with the guilt right now. What should I do? Should I show that I care about her guilty feelings? Should I just ignore them and focus on just me? I know I don't owe her anything as far as comforting her quilt, or do I? I just don't know how to respond to this. Right now I feel that I can't. Right now I feel like she deserves ever last guilty, shameful feeling she gets. And I wrong for feeling this way, or is it normal?


Of course you want her to feel the pain, you are the betrayed party, you're angry and upset. Those are natural feelings. Yes, she is feeling the guilt and shame, but I'm sure it doesn't even begin to compare to your hurt. Not even near the same level. She should get individual counseling if your insurance covers it. The only problem is choosing the right one, as some counselor prefer to deal with pre-affair issues instead of the affair itself, and end up doing more harm than good if they actually validate the A. You may have to shop around for the right counsellor. It's hit or miss at times.

As you know already, betrayal of this magnitude takes on average of 2-5 years to recover from. R is a hard and difficult road. I'm approaching 1 year myself, and I have to tell you, it isn't easy, there are bound to be set backs every once in a while. You're still raw from your recent DDay, so you should just work on yourself for now, get some IC and let her get help through IC also possible. You don't have to make the decision to R or D right now, because who knows how you will feel about it 8 months from now? You still have the right to walk away if you one day decide that this is a deal breaker for you and you cannot live with what she did. Just tell her to work on yourselves right now and see what happens down the road. The decision is ultimately yours to make.


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## F-102

You told your family?

Ugh...Thanksgiving is going to be a laugh riot this year.


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## RestlessInGeorgia

F-102 said:


> You told your family?
> 
> Ugh...Thanksgiving is going to be a laugh riot this year.


The funny thing is we went to celebrate my brothers birthday today. I asked my parents not to treat her any differently. I told them that this was done to me and not them. They agreed and for a couple of hours life felt normal.


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## RestlessInGeorgia

I decided to tell her this afternoon that I had come to somewhat of a decision. I told her about an MC that a good friend had recommended. I told her that she needs to understand that we may still end up divorced but that we would figure that out together with the MC. Counseling didn't save my friends marriage but it showed him it was time to move on.


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## F-102

RestlessInGeorgia said:


> The funny thing is we went to celebrate my brothers birthday today. I asked my parents not to treat her any differently. I told them that this was done to me and not them. They agreed and for a couple of hours life felt normal.


What's the old analogy: the elephant in the room.

Not saying you did wrong, hell, your family was bound to find out anyway, but now there's a new perspective-and a new wrench-in the works.


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## tierzastarr

Im sorry to say this but the more questions that are asked in a polygraph, the less accurate the test becomes. If I remember correctly a real proffessional will have you ask a max of 6 Q's. Sorry but she could have some false positives.


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## RestlessInGeorgia

tierzastarr said:


> Im sorry to say this but the more questions that are asked in a polygraph, the less accurate the test becomes. If I remember correctly a real proffessional will have you ask a max of 6 Q's. Sorry but she could have some false positives.



Thanks for your concern. I really hope there weren't any false positives.


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## RestlessInGeorgia

F-102 said:


> What's the old analogy: the elephant in the room.
> 
> Not saying you did wrong, hell, your family was bound to find out anyway, but now there's a new perspective-and a new wrench-in the works.


I agree. I don't really even know why I told them to begin with. My mom and I are really close and I just couldn't stop myself. I broke down and told her everything. I understand what you mean by "wrench". My mom has told me several times to just cut and run. I told her that it wasn't her decision to make. Hell, I haven't even made a decision yet. I'm really proud of my mom. She didn't treat my wife any differently this weekend when we were celebrating my brothers birthday. I told my wife last night that my family knew all that was going on. I told her that I was going to tell anybody that I felt necessary, to cope with this whole ordeal. She said that she was fine with that and to do whatever I needed to.


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## lordmayhem

tierzastarr said:


> Im sorry to say this but the more questions that are asked in a polygraph, the less accurate the test becomes. If I remember correctly a real proffessional will have you ask a max of 6 Q's. Sorry but she could have some false positives.


I've never heard that. I've been polygraphed twice now, once when I was in the military when they were polygraphing everyone with ______ access, and the other when I was applying to become a LEO. Heck, the first 5 or 6 questions alone are for the examiner to get a base reading and to put you at ease before getting to the real questions.


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## tierzastarr

lordmayhem said:


> I've never heard that. I've been polygraphed twice now, once when I was in the military when they were polygraphing everyone with ______ access, and the other when I was applying to become a LEO. Heck, the first 5 or 6 questions alone are for the examiner to get a base reading and to put you at ease before getting to the real questions.


Hmmm, that's weird. Oh well, if anyone is reading this thread and decides on giving their DS a polygraph, there's info at this site. Polygraph Information What I was talking about is under reality check #5. Feel free to check it out. There's also http://polytest.org/FidelityTesting.htm that gives examples of questions.


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## tierzastarr

I'm sorry to say this but you might have been scammed. Here's more info from one of the sites above:
UNACCEPTABLE POLYGRAPH QUESTIONS

Do you love (name) ? 
Do you love (name) more than (name) ? 
Do you want to be with (name) ? 
Have you done anything inappropriate with (name) ? 
Do you plan to stay with (name) ? 
Are you attracted to (name) ? 
Do you want to leave (name) for (name) ? 
Do you intend to be faithful to (name) ? 
Did you ever cheat on (name) ? 
Have you ever lied to (name) ?


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## tierzastarr

tierzastarr said:


> Im sorry to say this but the more questions that are asked in a polygraph, the less accurate the test becomes. If I remember correctly a real proffessional will have you ask a max of 6 Q's. Sorry but she could have some false positives.


And what I meant was a max of 6 relevent to the subject Q's.
And more info: HowStuffWorks "How Lie Detectors Work"


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## RestlessInGeorgia

Update:

I figured I needed to update all of you that are following my thread. Thanks again for all the support. This may get a little long-winded so please bear with me.

This entire weekend I made a great effort to not act as if anything was wrong for the kids sake, since they were visiting from their fathers house. This meant that every time feelings of rage came up I would leave the house for a little bit to cool down. I made sure at least one of the kids were around us at all times because they were a safety net. I wouldn't bring anything up with them being around. If I had a question that I desperately needed answered, which I had a couple, my wife and I would step into the garage and I made sure my voice was never raised and hers as well. 

We dropped the kids off with their dad on Sunday at 5. I asked my wife what she wanted to do about dinner, since we still have to eat, even though I still have no appetite. She offered a place up and I said that was fine, but that I wanted to stop by the book store first. I wanted to take a look at "After the Affair" to see if it's something I might like to pick-up since it seems to be highly recommended. After we left the bookstore we went to the restaurant and had dinner. 

During dinner, I attempted to make idle chit-chat to relieve some of the awkwardness and tension. I told my wife that my brother had texted me earlier about going to the gym with him, but that I hadn't received the message until it was too late. I told her I probably wouldn't have gone anyways. She looks at me and says, "I don't want to start an argument, but that's one thing that helps to cause resentment in me for you." She was speaking in the same nice tones I have come to know since D-Day. I asked her what was it that caused resentment. She said, "I've asked you to go to the gym with me before and you refuse to. Then your brother asks and your willing to go. Basically, your willing to do things with other people that you won't do with me." I responded by telling her that, "If she had listened to me, I said I probably wouldn't have gone anyways." At this point, my rage started to flair up and I went straight to the affair. She started to get upset with me and I told her she had no right to. She then started to cry and said, "So I'm not allowed to be upset?" I said, "Yes, you can be upset over all of this, but not with me." She then said, "I'm allowed to have feelings and I'm not going to live like a prisoner." I told her that she wasn't a prisoner and had a choice, she could either choose not to get upset with me, or leave. At this point she got up and ran out of the restaurant crying. 

I followed her out the door and asked her what she wanted me to do. She said, "Please take me home, so I can grab my things, because I don't want to be a prisoner." I told her that if that's what she wanted, then I'd take her home and help her pack her things. I also told her that she's cooked this whole prisoner thing up in her own head. On the way home, I told her that now I see our marriage was a huge mistake, even before we got married. I told her that she tried to leave me twice before our marriage and three times after. I told her that I was the fool for reeling her back in. She said she didn't think our marriage was a mistake and asked if I truly believed that. I said based on your affair and the evidence that you've tried to get out several times, yes I think it was a mistake to you. This caused her to cry even more and I started to feel bad, but I held those feelings in because she didn't deserve those feelings from me at all right now.

When we got home she headed straight for the couch and curled up in the corner crying. I then went into everything that I've been feeling and dealing with since D-Day. She asked me several times if I just wanted a divorce. I told her that I didn't have an answer for that. I told her that if I decided to forgive her for what she had done, it wouldn't be for her, it would be for me. And, IF I decided to give her the gift of reconciliation, that she better know it's the greatest gift she's ever received or ever will receive and it will only be given once. 

The discussion wasn't really heated at all. There were a lot of tears and shedding of pain and anguish from the both of us. We laid a lot of feelings out that we hadn't expressed to each other the entirety of our marriage. It felt great getting a bunch of stuff off of my chest. I started to feel slightly connected to her despite the affair. During the conversation I made her commit to never having any male friends for the duration of our marriage and to never tell another male the intimate secrets of our marriage. I told her she gets the same commitment from me and has always had that commitment. I also told her that she needs to tell me about any issues she has with our marriage or me, regardless of whether she's afraid that I will get angry. I told her that she can't just hold onto problems, because it builds resentment and who cares if I get angry. If I have time to think about the problem she brought to me, I'll realize that I'm in the wrong, or what we can do to solve the problem.

I felt like this night started on a low point and ended on a very high point. I guess that's why people compare this to a roller coaster. Well, we decided to go to bed and we laid there in the bed staring at each other. Then, before I knew it, we were having sex. It was quite possibly the best most intense sex I've ever had with my wife. Afterwards, I lay in the bed unable to go to sleep until about 2:30 in the morning. I kept thinking that I had just made a mistake. I felt like she may have thought that I had forgiven her for what she had done. It ate at me all night. I came to the decision that I was going to let her know that this didn't resolve the affair or make me decide to forgive her. 

I woke up about 5 Monday morning and got her up at 5:30 and asked her to get ready so we could go out for breakfast together before work and discuss a few things. I was in a better mood because of the sex the night before. I didn't want that to cloud the issue of the affair. This is the primary reason I felt it was a mistake. We never go out for breakfast before work, so this was a change as well. 

When we got to the restaurant, we ordered our food and as we were eating I told her that we needed to discuss what happened the night before and what it meant. I told her that, while it was great and the best sex we've ever had, that it really didn't mean I had forgiven her for the affair. I told her that we still needed marriage counseling and that I still haven't decided what I wanted to do yet. I told her that the sex was a good baby step and that the discussion we had before the sex was a good step too. She said that she understood that the sex didn't change anything. She knows it's going to take a lot of hard work and she's willing to make the extra effort to do her part in helping me cope with her affair and show me that she's truly guilty and remorseful for the decisions she made in the past. She has started doing this, but I can't say how long it will last. Only time will tell. 

Yesterday, I called and made appointments for Marriage Counseling. I gave a brief explanation of what was going on and asked him whether he thought we should meet together or individually. He said that he prefers to meet with us individually first so that we feel safer to say what we need to say, then he will bring us together when it's time. He said that the couples counseling portion may not come for awhile and that there may be times we meet individually a few times and then together. I told him that whatever he recommended, we were willing to follow. I gave him our schedules and he scheduled me for Wednesday afternoon and her for Thursday morning.

So, this is where we are right now. I don't have any preconceived notions that the marriage is repairable, I just have to find out if it is. Thank you all again for your support during this rough time for me.


----------



## Jellybeans

*I followed her out the door and asked her what she wanted me to do. She said, "Please take me home, so I can grab my things, because I don't want to be a prisoner." *

This concerns me. She needs to own what she did and own the fact that you don't trust her right now and why.

It's good you called an MC up. When's your first appointment?

Did you get tested for STDs? Have you heard from OM again?


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## RestlessInGeorgia

Jellybeans said:


> *I followed her out the door and asked her what she wanted me to do. She said, "Please take me home, so I can grab my things, because I don't want to be a prisoner." *
> 
> This concerns me. She needs to own what she did and own the fact that you don't trust her right now and why.
> 
> It's good you called an MC up. When's your first appointment?
> 
> Did you get tested for STDs? Have you heard from OM again?


It bothered me too. She seemed to be ignoring the fact that I told her she had no right to get upset with ME. I'm pretty sure she's eaten up with guilt, but it in no way compares to what I'm dealing with. She does have a right to be upset as well, just not project it at me in any way.

As far as MC. I meet with the MC first tomorrow at 2 and she meets with him on Thursday at 10 in the morning.

I have not been tested for STD's yet. I've got to make an appointment with my GP to get that done. Thanks for reminding me. With everything that's gone on since D-Day, I practically forgot about doing that.

As far as I know, OM has not attempted to make contact and she hasn't attempted to make contact with him either. I've made sure to search her car every evening and look through her purse for a secret cell phone. Plus, I'm responsible for the finances and I have seen her pay stubs and the amount of money she's deposited into our account matched her pay stubs. I've also seen every receipt that is drawn on our account and what the itemized purchases were. 

My biggest concern is, today is her short day at work. She is already at home for the day. Anything could be going on right now and I wouldn't know it. Hell, she may not even be at home for all I know. I really need to get a couple of VAR's, one for the house and one for her car. I've even considered loading a GPS locater app on her cell phone.


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## RestlessInGeorgia

NZHappy said:


> Hyper bonding is the sex you just had - it's normal for over 65% of couples.
> 
> Buy this book and give it to your wife - it will really help the both of you 100% guarenteed Amazon.com: How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful (9781450553322): Linda J. MacDonald M.S.: Books


Thanks. I wasn't quite sure what to think of it. I feel like sex should be the furthest thing from my mind and I didn't want her to get the wrong idea. I'll let her know about the book as well for thanks for the link.


----------



## WhereAmI

RestlessInGeorgia said:


> I told my wife that my brother had texted me earlier about going to the gym with him, but that I hadn't received the message until it was too late. I told her I probably wouldn't have gone anyways. She looks at me and says, "I don't want to start an argument, but that's one thing that helps to cause resentment in me for you." She was speaking in the same nice tones I have come to know since D-Day. I asked her what was it that caused resentment. She said, "I've asked you to go to the gym with me before and you refuse to. Then your brother asks and your willing to go. Basically, your willing to do things with other people that you won't do with me." I responded by telling her that, "If she had listened to me, I said I probably wouldn't have gone anyways." At this point, my rage started to flair up and I went straight to the affair. She started to get upset with me and I told her she had no right to. She then started to cry and said, "So I'm not allowed to be upset?" I said, "Yes, you can be upset over all of this, but not with me." She then said, "I'm allowed to have feelings and I'm not going to live like a prisoner." I told her that she wasn't a prisoner and had a choice, she could either choose not to get upset with me, or leave. At this point she got up and ran out of the restaurant crying.


I think you made a big mistake here. Your wife was trying to tell you that you've made her feel rejected. Instead of hearing what she said you decided to excuse your actions and turn her comment into an affair discussion. 

There's no doubt that her affair was horrible. That doesn't mean that you're perfect, though. If you expect her to bottle up her emotions while you process the affair you may end up even worse off than you are now. You want her to feel comfortable. 

I suggest that you approach her and let her know that you understand she felt resentment because of your actions. Tell her you appreciate her honesty and you hope it continues. You can ask her to be patient with your responses to her emotions since you're still dealing with the shock of the affair, but she needs to know that you're not ignoring her.


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## Rob774

One of the deepest stories i've ever come across on TAM.

Please continue to keep us informed...


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## RestlessInGeorgia

WhereAmI said:


> I think you made a big mistake here. Your wife was trying to tell you that you've made her feel rejected. Instead of hearing what she said you decided to excuse your actions and turn her comment into an affair discussion.
> 
> There's no doubt that her affair was horrible. That doesn't mean that you're perfect, though. If you expect her to bottle up her emotions while you process the affair you may end up even worse off than you are now. You want her to feel comfortable.
> 
> I suggest that you approach her and let her know that you understand she felt resentment because of your actions. Tell her you appreciate her honesty and you hope it continues. You can ask her to be patient with your responses to her emotions since you're still dealing with the shock of the affair, but she needs to know that you're not ignoring her.


I know I shouldn't invalidate her feelings. Right now I have so much anger and hurt that it's hard to think about her feelings when I can't even deal with mine. D-Day was less than 10 days ago for me. I'm really doing the best I can right now. I did let her know that her feelings did matter to me later after things calmed down. That was part of the conversation that took place after we got home. 

Also, I may have left some things out of the conversation at dinner, but I didn't go from her feelings of rejection, directly into an affair discussion. It progressed from her feelings of rejection, to something else, then again to something else, and finally into a discussion about the affair. All I can really remember is what started the conversation and where it ended. I apologize for the confusion but I didn't use her concern over working out at the gym as an excuse to jump into an affair discussion.


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## RestlessInGeorgia

Rob774 said:


> One of the deepest stories i've ever come across on TAM.
> 
> Please continue to keep us informed...


TAM has been a life saver for me with this. I can't get this kind of support from family and friends. They're too closely connected to be objective about it. 

I intend to continue to use TAM as an outlet. She's not aware of me having an account on here, because this is my safe place right now. In time I may show her this thread, so she can see what I went through and the emotions involved from my end of this whole ordeal. 

I may not update daily, or even every other day, but I intend to keep all of you as up-to-date as I can.


----------



## cb45

whether u re-committ or dont, i think u need to maintain a "i dont give a shat either way" kinda attitude. 

may not be popular to say/think this but....there it is.

u may be surprised with the "results" for u, either way it turns out.


----------



## cb45

oh, and dont tell her bout
TAM as u may find yerself a repeat customer if u go the distance with her over the yrs. she'll just mock u in the end
or worse yet post here bout u and all yer folliables (sp?).

ya digg?:scratchhead:


----------



## Mrs Chai

Appreciate you keeping us up to date. Your story has been the most powerful I've ever read. I'm a frequent lurker here and occasional poster. TAM is my place as well. Though I would keep it just for yourself - like someone said before - for a while yet.


----------



## lordmayhem

Remember you have the right to heal on your own timeline, no one can rush you on this, and if you feel later on that this was a deal breaker for you, you have the right to walk away. Only 35% of marriages survive after the discovery of infidelity so R is difficult, even under the best of circumstances.


----------



## F-102

As far as the "prisoner" comment, she may have felt cornered, and the only weapon she had was to say something she thought would hurt you or have you on your knees begging.


----------



## RestlessInGeorgia

F-102 said:


> As far as the "prisoner" comment, she may have felt cornered, and the only weapon she had was to say something she thought would hurt you or have you on your knees begging.



You may be right and before confirmation of the affair, I probably would have done exactly what you said. I can't exactly explain why, but after D-Day, I seem to have a new found strength. I could have chosen to be the victim, or I could choose to be strong for myself. Well, I chose strength and I refuse to let anyone who thinks/thought so little of me to have that much power over me. I will not be treated like a doormat. Right now, it's all about what helps me to heal and decide whether to move on or work this marriage out. She knows and has said that I hold all the cards in the marriage now. I just need to make sure that I don't abuse that power. I really never wanted it to begin with. I believe marriage shouldn't be a power struggle, but a mutual relationship where both people are willing to compromise for the other and show compassion to each other.


----------



## RestlessInGeorgia

I think the following post will explain to people why I entertain the thought of forgiveness and reconciliation.

I need to kind of give everyone a little background on myself. I was raised in a Christian home and taught Christian morals and values. I know some of you would say that Christians are a bunch of nuts, and I would agree looking at Christians that bomb abortion clinics, the likes of Westboro Baptist Church, the Crusades, and so forth. There's no doubt that Christianity has had it's share of problems, just as any other religion. I look at it as any other group of people, you have those that are genuinely good people and those that miss the entire point of Christianity, which is love and compassion. I may not agree with gay marriages, but that doesn't mean I hate or hold ill will towards gay people. I may not agree with abortion, but I'm not going to harm a person that has one. God gave every man, woman, and child free will to live their lives as they please. Who am I to take that away from them? I believe this world lacks love and compassion and I refuse to contribute to that.

All of that being said, the reason I even entertain the thought of reconciliation is because of my beliefs. God sent his son to be the perfect sacrifice for my transgressions, even before I was, even when I didn't deserve forgiveness. His son laid down his life, without question or concern, for me and all of humanity. All he asks is that we know him, follow him, and do what he would have us do. It's no more than any parent asks of a child. When our children do wrong, we punish them, even though it hurts to do. Then we forgive them unconditionally knowing that they may let us down again. We punish our children in the hopes that they learn their lesson and not make the same mistakes.

After all of this happened, I cried out to God to ask why he would allow this to happen to me. I never got an answer, directly. But, the first thought that came to mind was the story of Jesus and the Adulteress. As she was about to be stoned for having an affair, he stepped in and told the crowd, "He who is without sin, cast the first stone." Since guilt had set in on the crowd, not one stone was cast and the crowd dispersed. Jesus then turned to the woman and asked where her accusers were and whether they had condemned her. She told him no one did and he responded, "Then neither do I condemn you. Go now and leave your life of sin."

This story hit me like a ton of bricks. It not only dealt with a cheating spouse, but also showed me that I'm not innocent either. It spoke to me on many different levels. It told me that I too have sinned, and will continue to sin against God, but he still showed me grace. It showed me that Jesus was willing to forgive for adultery, shouldn't I show the courage of my beliefs and at least entertain the thought of forgiveness and reconciliation? Don't I owe this to the person I claim as my lord and savior? I know the bible states that God hates divorce, but it also says that a marriage can be put away for infidelity. Jesus said it "CAN BE", not that it has to be. I believe the reason for this allowance is because of the pain caused by the total betrayal and that God knows this pain is very hard to overcome. 

I now know that if I forgive her, it's because God forgave me. I know that it will be his grace, not mine. I also know that if I can't, God is not ashamed of me. So, I think I owe this to myself to try and forgive the biggest transgression ever brought against me. I know, as well, that if I forgive her, this will be the only time and will not happen if she has another affair. I hope this was a good explanation for those of you that wonder why I don't just get a divorce.

Even if you don't believe in God, Jesus, or any other deity, forgiveness is good for the soul.


----------



## morituri

Forgiveness and reconciliation are not necessarily bound at the hip. You can forgive your wife but chose to not reconciliate - something I did - or you can never forgive her but chose to reconciliate. The latter is often the choice many betrayed spouses make to the detriment of both.

But be that as it may, forgiveness is - and always will be - for the benefit of the offended party not the offender.


----------



## RestlessInGeorgia

morituri said:


> Forgiveness and reconciliation are not necessarily bound at the hip. You can forgive your wife but chose to not reconciliate - something I did - or you can never forgive her but chose to reconciliate. The latter is often the choice many betrayed spouses make to the detriment of both.
> 
> But be that as it may, forgiveness is - and always will be - for the benefit of the offended party not the offender.


I know that as well. I refuse to live in a marriage where we've reconciled and I've not forgiven. If our marriage is meant to continue, they're a packaged deal or the marriage is off. I know, regardless, one day I will have to forgive her for what she's done to me, if only for me. Thanks for your concern and help.


----------



## morituri

Forgiving the sinner is not the same as forgiving the sin.

There are two types of forgiveness. One which is dependent on the betrayed spouse's emotions and the other which is a firm, deliberate choice made by the offended party not subject to his/her emotions.

The problem with the type of forgiveness dependent on the emotional state of the betrayed is that it is not a real and permanent one. Only the second type can truly offer you the freedom to move on with your life with or without your wife.

You cannot trust your emotions to make life altering decisions for you. Emotions act like 3 year old spoiled brats throwing temper tantrums. Reason should take over and drag them until they cool off and settle down.

You may want to consider the following to help guide you towards a definite decision:

1. Can I honestly emotionally heal by remaining married to her?

2. Her post DDay actions, do they make her worthy of reconciliation?


----------



## Jellybeans

morituri said:


> 1. Can I honestly emotionally heal by remaining married to her?


That seems like it'd be a huge hurdle. Can most people do that?

Mori, I know you and I both divorced... and I still have triggers and the betrayals still hurt. I wonder for those that reconcile...if that pain ever goes away? Anyone care to share?


----------



## morituri

Jellybeans said:


> That seems like it'd be a huge hurdle. Can most people do that?


I don't know how credible some statistics are but I remember reading one in which it said that only 35% of the marriages affected by infidelity survived.



> Mori, I know you and I both divorced... and I still have triggers and the betrayals still hurt. I wonder for those that reconcile...if that pain ever goes away? Anyone care to share?


Beans, I still have them as well. Although not as severe as in the past. I don't believe that the pain entirely goes away no matter whether a couple reconciles or not. But as with other types of pain, it can diminish over time IF the betrayed stops him/herself from picking on the scab.

Everybody's emotional fortitude is different. Some have Herculean fortitude while many others do not. A person has to find out what he/she is able to endure. That requires some deep soul searching.


----------



## Jellybeans

morituri said:


> I don't know how credible some statistics are but I remember reading one in which it said that only 35% of the marriages affected by infidelity survived..



Yeah I've seen that # somewhere else too. Which is interesting because usually people who advocate reconciliation after infidelity tend to say the #s are much much higher.



morituri said:


> Beans, I still have them as well. Although not as severe as in the past. I don't believe that the pain entirely goes away no matter whether a couple reconciles or not. But as with other types of pain, it can diminish over time IF the betrayed stops him/herself from picking on the scab.


True. So what do you do when you "triggeer?" I was never jealous over my now ex H but when I think of it now Ido get jealous/mad/sad/insecure/feel unsafe when I think of it now. And I still don't like OW.


----------



## F-102

morituri said:


> I don't know how credible some statistics are but I remember reading one in which it said that only 35% of the marriages affected by infidelity survived.
> 
> That's better than the supposedly 2% of marriages that survive that were born of infidelity.


----------



## ahhhmaaaan!

Jelly... why would you ever like the OW. I find it funny when people say we shouldn't harbor any bad feelings for other. Hey, I hated Darth Vader, and I still do- Does that make me a bad person for it... he was a ****. I'll tell you what triggers me up the ass- movies and t.v. shows that cast cheating in a funny way. I literally want to throw me beer at the t.v. screen.


----------



## cb45

:iagree: basically with Morituri.

u seem to confuse reconcilation with forgiveness.

u can leave her but still forgive her, sooner better than later.

u can stay with her & TRULY not forgive her.

they made a movie about that/this kinda marriage/atmosphere.

check this YouTube link out:

YouTube - ‪THE WAR OF THE ROSES - HQ Trailer ( 1989 )‬‏


----------



## RestlessInGeorgia

morituri said:


> Forgiving the sinner is not the same as forgiving the sin.
> 
> There are two types of forgiveness. One which is dependent on the betrayed spouse's emotions and the other which is a firm, deliberate choice made by the offended party not subject to his/her emotions.
> 
> The problem with the type of forgiveness dependent on the emotional state of the betrayed is that it is not a real and permanent one. Only the second type can truly offer you the freedom to move on with your life with or without your wife.
> 
> You cannot trust your emotions to make life altering decisions for you. Emotions act like 3 year old spoiled brats throwing temper tantrums. Reason should take over and drag them until they cool off and settle down.
> 
> You may want to consider the following to help guide you towards a definite decision:
> 
> 1. Can I honestly emotionally heal by remaining married to her?
> 
> 2. Her post DDay actions, do they make her worthy of reconciliation?


I agree with what you're saying. I am a very forgiving person, or so I would like to think that. With her affair, she's giving me something that is almost impossible to forgive. I'm not even sure I can do it and stay in this marriage. In my post about my beliefs and why I'm even considering forgiveness and reconciliation, I may have been confusing. I know I don't owe her anything because she's perpetrated the worst possible betrayal a spouse can. I've even made her aware of that. I definitely don't want her to get any ideas that I condone or am willing to quickly forgive her affair, her cover-up, continuing in friendship with this guy after the affair, or her flirtatious remarks over text messaging. I've made her aware of this as well, several times. 

My goal is to find out the answers to the questions you posed. I've learned over the years to not act in haste based on my emotional responses to a situation. Acting on emotion alone almost never illicits the desired effect. I'm trying to give my emotions a chance to subside, somewhat, and try to think logically about this entire thing. This is why MC is a definite requirement for us, as well it should be. She's also aware that MC may result in us parting ways. She knows that if 8 or 12 months from now, I find I can't get past this, the marriage is over. 

She has made a lot of effort since D-Day to try and reassure me that she's not contacted OM and comfort me when feelings of anger and hurt arise. I feel she's been completely transparent. I don't get any feeling that anything is going on right now. Now, this may be because D-Day was less than 10 days ago and she's being extra cautious right now. I know WS's are known to do this. Time will tell if she has truly changed her ways. As of right now and for the forseeable future, I have my guard up and I'm not letting it down and it will probably never be completely down even if the marriage continues. 

Thanks again for your concern and helping me through this.


----------



## RestlessInGeorgia

F-102 said:


> morituri said:
> 
> 
> 
> I don't know how credible some statistics are but I remember reading one in which it said that only 35% of the marriages affected by infidelity survived.
> 
> That's better than the supposedly 2% of marriages that survive that were born of infidelity.
> 
> 
> 
> I don't even see how that is even 2%. Why would you want to have a marriage with a known cheater? TV and movies have made affairs so glamorous, it makes me sick. They tell spouses that if they find their soul mate, to pursue them no matter the cost, even if it destroys their family, they owe it to their self because you only live once. That's another thing, this soul mate crap is just that, crap. Marriage takes work no matter how close you feel to your spouse in the beginning. Once day the "FEELINGS" will start to fade and the marriage truly begins. Marriage is not just about feelings of love, it's about sharing life together and that includes all the bad crap that comes with it.
Click to expand...


----------



## RestlessInGeorgia

Update:

I had my first session of MC yesterday. We are meeting separately right now at the request of the marriage counselor, so I guess in essence it's really IC for the time being. I was a little on edge going into the session, I guess because I didn't know this guy and I tend to have a hard time opening up to strangers. I was somewhat put at ease when I sat down because I noticed he had a Bald Eagle collection in his office and I collect Bald Eagle stuff as well. I think it helped to break the ice a little. 

I started by telling him about how I uncovered the affair, the affair itself, and what she had done after the affair was over to try to cover it up. I then went back and told him of our entire life together, since the night we met. I tried to get as detailed as possible with him over issues we had before we were married and after we were married. In all, the session was almost two hours. He gave me time to tell him the story of our lives and then took the opportunity to address a few things like why I've been sexually aroused this week. I told him that I didn't understand why because of everything that has happened. He said that it may be that I'm trying to stake a claim that she belongs to me. I told him I felt like sex should be the furthest from my mind. He said that I may be subconsciously trying to emotionally break any bonds she might have for OM and that was a good thing. He said that if I was trying to figure out whether to forgive and possibly reconcile that it's imperative for her to get rid of any bond she may have with OM, and mutual intimacy almost always accomplishes that. Trust me, it's been mutual. We have had sex together every night since Sunday, except on Tuesday, and it's been the best sex of our entire relationship. He asked why we didn't have sex on Tuesday and I explained that she had sore muscles from the previous nights and I told her we would take a night off. He said that he understood.

He also gave me a good piece of advice for this marriage or any future relationship I might have. He said that when we discuss things, we should sit across the table from each other and take each others hands to discuss the issue. He said this creates a physical connection between the two people and it causes them to feel connected in a physical way as well as on an emotional level and makes both people more amenable to the discussion and less willing to jump to anger. Being a man, and one who craves physical touch many times daily, this makes perfect sense to me. I can't believe I had never thought of this before. I think this is great advice for anyone in any kind of relationship.

After the session he recommended the book "Wild at Heart" for me to read, as well as "The Five Love Languages". I told him that I had read "The Five Love Languages". He said he thought it best for me to read it again. I told him I would and thanked him for his time. We setup another appointment for next Wednesday at the same time. I think the best part about this session was that it was great to tell someone who was being unbiased in the whole situation and understood the feelings and hurt I was going through.


----------



## Jellybeans

That is good you saw the counselor. It's nice to talk to an objective party who has no clue about your personal life, to let it all out. 

When does your wife go see the MC? 

When will the couple session be? 

RIG, a lot of people have really amazing sex after cheating is discovered. I have no idea why that is but I've read it on this very forum before and I can attest to it as well in my situation. It's weird, right?



RestlessInGeorgia said:


> That's another thing, this soul mate crap is just that, crap.


I personally don't believe in soul mates ("Hole" mates LOL).


----------



## RestlessInGeorgia

Jellybeans said:


> That is good you saw the counselor. It's nice to talk to an objective party who has no clue about your personal life, to let it all out.
> 
> When does your wife go see the MC?
> 
> When will the couple session be?
> 
> RIG, a lot of people have really amazing sex after cheating is discovered. I have no idea why that is but I've read it on this very forum before and I can attest to it as well in my situation. It's weird, right?
> 
> 
> 
> I personally don't believe in soul mates ("Hole" mates LOL).


My wife has her MC session today. It's very liberating to be able to talk to an objective person. I'm not quite sure when the couples session will be. He said he wanted to meet with us individually for a few weeks. As far as the sex is concerned. Yes it's really weird. I almost feel like I'm doing something wrong. I'm just glad to know other people have experienced this as well. It makes it a little less weird for me to know that it's somewhat normal. I read on SurvivingInfidelity.com that it was called Hysterical Bonding. 

I don't believe in soul mates either. I think that's a bunch of crap. Marriage is what you make of it, and it requires great effort and care. If my marriage ends in D, the next relationship will require the same effort and care. It may feel like soul mates in the beginning, but I know from experience life will step in at some point in the relationship.


----------



## lordmayhem

Enjoy the hysterical bonding while you can, its fantastic! 



RestlessInGeorgia said:


> I don't believe in soul mates either. I think that's a bunch of crap. Marriage is what you make of it, and it requires great effort and care. If my marriage ends in D, the next relationship will require the same effort and care. It may feel like soul mates in the beginning, but I know from experience life will step in at some point in the relationship.


Ah, but the affair partners do while in their affair. Here's a funny cartoon made by marzipan there from SI mocking the whole soul mate thing. These are based on the emails and texts that she discovered between her WH and the OW.

Soul Mate Shmoopies


----------



## HurtinginTN

RestlessInGeorgia said:


> After all of this happened, I cried out to God to ask why he would allow this to happen to me. I never got an answer, directly. But, the first thought that came to mind was the story of Jesus and the Adulteress. As she was about to be stoned for having an affair, he stepped in and told the crowd, "He who is without sin, cast the first stone." Since guilt had set in on the crowd, not one stone was cast and the crowd dispersed. Jesus then turned to the woman and asked where her accusers were and whether they had condemned her. She told him no one did and he responded, "Then neither do I condemn you. Go now and leave your life of sin."
> 
> This story hit me like a ton of bricks. It not only dealt with a cheating spouse, but also showed me that I'm not innocent either. It spoke to me on many different levels. It told me that I too have sinned, and will continue to sin against God, but he still showed me grace. It showed me that Jesus was willing to forgive for adultery, shouldn't I show the courage of my beliefs and at least entertain the thought of forgiveness and reconciliation? Don't I owe this to the person I claim as my lord and savior? I know the bible states that God hates divorce, but it also says that a marriage can be put away for infidelity. Jesus said it "CAN BE", not that it has to be. I believe the reason for this allowance is because of the pain caused by the total betrayal and that God knows this pain is very hard to overcome.


I, too, had these thoughts. That story popped immediately into my head. Also, the "God hates divorce." and "Except for adultery," pieces. Yes, scripturally, we have the right to divorce our wives. 



RestlessInGeorgia said:


> I now know that if I forgive her, it's because God forgave me. I know that it will be his grace, not mine. I also know that if I can't, God is not ashamed of me. So, I think I owe this to myself to try and forgive the biggest transgression ever brought against me.
> 
> Even if you don't believe in God, Jesus, or any other deity, forgiveness is good for the soul.


I had not been to church in years. I also grew up in the church. I have started back, mostly due to the affair. One night, we had a huge fight (verbal, never any physical fight. I have never hit her or any other woman.) I do believe the affair is finally over, yet I was harboring very much anger, bitterness, and resentment. This particular fight was 98% my fault and it was in front of the kids. I was ready to walk away. The next day, I went and talked to my counsellor (Christian pastor and marriage counsellor). That night, I went to church. Guess what the topic was? Forgiveness. Something hit me hard that night. 

I realized that forgiveness wasn't so much a gift that I could give her as it was a gift I could give myself. Part of the Lord's prayer is "Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us." I don't want to get into a big theological discussion between law and grace, etc. I wrote a long letter to my wife the next day. I told her I forgive her. I laid out in detail what I was forgiving her for. With each sentence, I felt more and more peace. 

Now, that has been a week ago. I don't know if reconciliation will work or not. To be quite honest, my heart isn't really into it. For the kids' sake, I will give it some time. Mainly because the affair is over. However, I feel 100% better. I don't know if my marriage will work out or not. I do know that conscience decision to forgive has given me internal peace.


----------



## RestlessInGeorgia

HurtinginTN said:


> I, too, had these thoughts. That story popped immediately into my head. Also, the "God hates divorce." and "Except for adultery," pieces. Yes, scripturally, we have the right to divorce our wives.
> 
> 
> 
> I had not been to church in years. I also grew up in the church. I have started back, mostly due to the affair. One night, we had a huge fight (verbal, never any physical fight. I have never hit her or any other woman.) I do believe the affair is finally over, yet I was harboring very much anger, bitterness, and resentment. This particular fight was 98% my fault and it was in front of the kids. I was ready to walk away. The next day, I went and talked to my counsellor (Christian pastor and marriage counsellor). That night, I went to church. Guess what the topic was? Forgiveness. Something hit me hard that night.
> 
> I realized that forgiveness wasn't so much a gift that I could give her as it was a gift I could give myself. Part of the Lord's prayer is "Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us." I don't want to get into a big theological discussion between law and grace, etc. I wrote a long letter to my wife the next day. I told her I forgive her. I laid out in detail what I was forgiving her for. With each sentence, I felt more and more peace.
> 
> Now, that has been a week ago. I don't know if reconciliation will work or not. To be quite honest, my heart isn't really into it. For the kids' sake, I will give it some time. Mainly because the affair is over. However, I feel 100% better. I don't know if my marriage will work out or not. I do know that conscience decision to forgive has given me internal peace.


I know that I have to forgive her, eventually, for what she has done. I'm just not sure about reconciliation. That's why I don't want to make any rash or quick decisions. If I divorce her, I want to know that it was the right thing to do. I want to be able to walk away from this marriage without a thought to whether we could have reconciled. I know that only 35% percent of marriages survive affairs. 

It's hard to have the person you are closest with, betray you so completely. I accept the part I played to lead up to the affair. I was young, selfish, uncaring, naive, and stupid. I will, however, never accept responsibility for her choices. NEVER. She created this whole mess, it's up to her to do the heavy lifting to help fix it. My part is to try to get some normality back in my life and recognize her efforts to help me through this. The gravity of what she did has hit her like a ton of bricks and she is doing the heavy lifting that she should be. I don't know how long it will last. Only time will tell.

I haven't even told her that I'm entertaining the idea of reconciliation. In fact, I've told her only that I don't know/see how/if this can be repaired. I don't want her, for an instant, to think that I condone what she did, or absolve her for her grievous betrayal so easily. In the meantime, I am engrossed in self-reflection and working on me. I want to be the best me I can be, for me and no one else right now. I have enacted my own 180 and will hold firm. I may seem like I waiver from it in some of my posts. But, the thoughts in my head, stay in my head, or are expressed on TAM, for right now regarding forgiveness and reconciliation.

Our situations are the same, but different. You and your wife have children together and me and mine do not. Stay strong, my friend, we will survive this and come out better on the other side regardless of the outcome of our marriages.


----------



## RestlessInGeorgia

lordmayhem said:


> Enjoy the hysterical bonding while you can, its fantastic!
> 
> 
> 
> Ah, but the affair partners do while in their affair. Here's a funny cartoon made by marzipan there from SI mocking the whole soul mate thing. These are based on the emails and texts that she discovered between her WH and the OW.
> 
> Soul Mate Shmoopies


I love the satire of how utterly ignorant the WS and OP are. "We are in love. My d!ck is perfect." :rofl: XtraNormal has always been one of my favorites, I can't believe I haven't seen those before. Thanks for sharing the link. I have a good mind to show them to my wife, so she can see the absolute absurdity of affairs. I probably won't at this point though.


----------



## Jellybeans

^ Your situation is also different from TN's in that he is always there for his wife, no matter how much cheating she does. She has continually walked all over the chances he gives her and she has had an ongoing affair for almost a yr. 

It sounds like you make no promises to her and that to me, is good. 



lordmayhem said:


> Enjoy the hysterical bonding while you can, its fantastic!
> 
> Soul Mate Shmoopies


I just love that they call it "hysterical bonding." 

And I've seen those cartoons before...hilariuos!


----------



## HurtinginTN

RestlessInGeorgia said:


> I know that I have to forgive her, eventually, for what she has done. I'm just not sure about reconciliation.


I believe forgiveness and reconciliation are 2 entirely different matters. The forgiveness has set me free from the constant anger, bitterness, etc. of dwelling on the affair. Whether we reconcile or not remains to be seen. As long as certain conditions are met, I am still willing at this point to work in that direction. 

It's like the Cherokee story of two wolves.

An elder Cherokee told his grandson that two wolves were fighting inside of him. One was good (happiness, contentment, peace, etc.) and the other was bad (anger, bitterness, hatred, etc.). There was a contstant struggle between these two wolves. He told the grandson that these wolves were inside of him as well. In fact, they were in everyone.

The grandson asked which one would win.

The grandfather answered simply, "The one that I feed."


----------



## RestlessInGeorgia

Jellybeans said:


> ^ Your situation is also different from TN's in that he is always there for his wife, no matter how much cheating she does. She has continually walked all over the chances he gives her and she has had an ongoing affair for almost a yr.
> 
> It sounds like you make no promises to her and that to me, is good.
> 
> 
> 
> I just love that they call it "hysterical bonding."
> 
> And I've seen those cartoons before...hilariuos!


Hey, the marriage counselor said "Forgive me for the analogy, but it seems you are sticking a flag in the ground and claiming the land as your own." :rofl: I think I laughed for a good 20 seconds.


----------



## ahhhmaaaan!

I just saw the cartoon... the funniest **** I've seen in a LOOOONG time. If I were still in contact with HER I'd send it to her. I'm laughing my ass of as I write this... Oh man, it just kills me. About the hysterical bonding- Did you find your wife attractive in that way EVEN after you found out she gave herself to another man? I don't know if you've read my posts, but my STBXW wanted me sooo bad to do her after her revelation. Needles to say I was completely turned off by her by that time. She would actually undress right in front of me as if nothing happened. I put a stop to those shinanigans REAL quick. It seemed so fake and almost like she was giving me a mercy [email protected]#k or something out of pity. I never touched from that day on. I resorted to self stimulation- how pathetic , huh. On the bright side I got to screw every Hollywood actress I had a thing for; then again it was only in my mind... ha ha.


----------



## Ronin

sexuallyfustrated said:


> You don't know how men accpt this from women? Wow but women should be use to it and take the man back because it's different , it's a man. I have heard this reasoning from so many ppl and it's not cool. What are you really saying with this in terms of women and men and affairs?


I have stated it very clearly before that I'm not here to give women advice since they get plenty of it from other women/friends/family/oprah/etc. Im here to give men advice. I dont condone cheating either way and I know I didnt give that impression with my post. I speak from a man's POV to a man and I don't know anything about dating a man so I leave it to women to give advice on male infidelity.

Ronin


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## F-102

RIG, I think you blamed morituri for a comment that I had made-the 2% one.
No, I am NOT condoning an A with a cheater, but the 35% comment made me think of my 2% one, and I just threw it out. Maybe, what I was trying to say was, I still think that you have a good chance to save this, 35% or no. Whether or not you stay is your decision and you have, in my opinion, every right in the world to divorce her, but I wouldn't let some statistic sway my decisions.


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## RestlessInGeorgia

F-102 said:


> RIG, I think you blamed morituri for a comment that I had made-the 2% one.
> No, I am NOT condoning an A with a cheater, but the 35% comment made me think of my 2% one, and I just threw it out. Maybe, what I was trying to say was, I still think that you have a good chance to save this, 35% or no. Whether or not you stay is your decision and you have, in my opinion, every right in the world to divorce her, but I wouldn't let some statistic sway my decisions.


I apologize if I came across as blaming anyone for the statistics. That was definitely not my intention. I just can't see how any relationship can survive, that was born out of an affair. Anyone in their right mind would assume the other person is going to do the same thing to them. I guess this is why the percentage is at 2%. That just means those 2% are just idiots. 

Right now everything is still raw. I can't seem to go 5 minutes without thinking about her affair. Today I am in full-on rage mode because of stupid mind-movies. My wife asked what was wrong with me this morning and I told her that she should know what's wrong and shouldn't even have to ask. She said she just wanted to know if she had done something wrong last night or this morning and I told her no she hadn't, but that she probably wanted to leave me alone for right now. I haven't gone into full-on rage mode since D-Day more than the first week after, and only twice this week. I know since I'm only 11 days out from D-Day that I shouldn't expect anything less.


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## Jellybeans

How has your wife been acting lately? Does she seem guilty or remorseful to you? 

Sorry about the mind-movies. I wish I could tell you they stop, but they...don't.  They may go away or lessen with time but you'll always have triggers. I"m divorced and still have them! Crazy, huh?

Re: affairages... some do last. It does go against the odds and what is expected though. My aunt's husband left her for his nurse/other woman eons ago, married her, and they're still together. He's a total alcoholic though and not a good man. 

But I agree--it's a poor foundation to start a marriage or any good relationship on. The distrust/mistrust/knowledge that you both caused a lot of damage to a lot of people is not good. Most people who end up together as a result of an affair almost always say they wish it wouldn't have happened "that way." That's very telling!


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## RestlessInGeorgia

ahhhmaaaan! said:


> I just saw the cartoon... the funniest **** I've seen in a LOOOONG time. If I were still in contact with HER I'd send it to her. I'm laughing my ass of as I write this... Oh man, it just kills me. About the hysterical bonding- Did you find your wife attractive in that way EVEN after you found out she gave herself to another man? I don't know if you've read my posts, but my STBXW wanted me sooo bad to do her after her revelation. Needles to say I was completely turned off by her by that time. She would actually undress right in front of me as if nothing happened. I put a stop to those shinanigans REAL quick. It seemed so fake and almost like she was giving me a mercy [email protected]#k or something out of pity. I never touched from that day on. I resorted to self stimulation- how pathetic , huh. On the bright side I got to screw every Hollywood actress I had a thing for; then again it was only in my mind... ha ha.


I read your story and have feelings of great sorrow for what happened to you. 2 years of her having an affair and her ending the affair when she was ready to settle down and have children with you. I would get the same feelings that you have. I think you are making the right decisions for your circumstance.

To answer your question about finding my wife attractive after finding out about the A, no I did not and at most times still do not. After finding out about it, I told her not to touch me in any way. I told her I would sooner let her lover touch me, than to let her touch me. I felt this way for the entire first week. I was cold, I wouldn't undress in front of her. I showered separately from her. I normally sleep naked, so I slept with pajama pants on, still do today, and probably will for an undetermined amount of time. I would go about my daily routines and not even glance at her. I stopped telling her I loved her. She no longer got a kiss good-bye or hello or before bed. She tried to touch me once last week to pinpoint a spot on my back that was hurting. When she touched my back, my skin crawled and I recoiled. 

Then, last Sunday, I couldn't really explain it, but we had an argument that ended in us sharing repressed feelings and emotions that we hadn't expressed to each other before. I felt the sincerity in her voice and she felt it in mine. We went to bed and laid there staring into each others eyes. I know, corny, right? Then before I knew it I was tearing her clothes off in almost a primal manner. I was so turned on, I felt like I couldn't control it. We then had the best sex we've ever had in our entire relationship. Afterwards I laid awake for most of the night thinking I had made a huge mistake. I made sure she knew that the sex didn't absolve her of her affair and that I still wasn't sure what I wanted to do. She said that she understood.

Well, since then, we have had sex every night except for Tuesday. The only reason we didn't Tuesday was because her muscles were aching from the sex and over exercising. But, we resumed Wednesday night and probably will continue for god know how long. I think I understand why this has happened to me. Subconsciously, I am trying to break any emotional and/or physical bond she had or still has for OM. Trust me, it's started working. She's flirting with me again through texts and I flirt back even though my heart's not really in it right now. I see she is trying to make an effort and I don't want her to feel like I don't notice it. How long will this new change last? I don't know, only time will tell. If I feel the marriage can't be like this most days in the future, I'm walking away. I know everyday is not going to be perfect, and I know everyday will be a struggle but if she puts in the effort and I reciprocate in kind, I think we can build a beautiful marriage, born from much hurt. That's really the only hope I have and I need to figure out if it's possible and I can move past the A.

Does she deserve forgiveness and reconciliation? Hell no she doesn't? But, I have to know that if I divorce her, I have given my all to this marriage and can walk away with no regrets of leaving her.


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## RestlessInGeorgia

Jellybeans said:


> How has your wife been acting lately? Does she seem guilty or remorseful to you?
> 
> Sorry about the mind-movies. I wish I could tell you they stop, but they...don't.  They may go away or lessen with time but you'll always have triggers. I"m divorced and still have them! Crazy, huh?
> 
> Re: affairages... some do last. It does go against the odds and what is expected though. My aunt's husband left her for his nurse/other woman eons ago, married her, and they're still together. He's a total alcoholic though and not a good man.
> 
> But I agree--it's a poor foundation to start a marriage or any good relationship on. The distrust/mistrust/knowledge that you both caused a lot of damage to a lot of people is not good. Most people who end up together as a result of an affair almost always say they wish it wouldn't have happened "that way." That's very telling!


She does seem remorseful. Right now I'm still not convinced of whether it's about the affair being exposed or whether it's about what she's done to me. She listens when I talk about her affair and seems very apologetic. We just started MC this week, so now is the time for me to start figuring out if this can be turned around.

Do you believe your uncle is an alcoholic because of marrying the woman he had an affair on your aunt with? Does alcoholism seem to be his way of dealing with the guilt, or is his current wife not the gem he thought her to be? I know you probably don't have the answers to these questions. It seems to me that life has repaid him for what he did to your aunt.


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## Amalgum Tattoo

RestlessInGeorgia said:


> I just can't see how any relationship can survive, that was born out of an affair. Anyone in their right mind would assume the other person is going to do the same thing to them. I guess this is why the percentage is at 2%. That just means those 2% are just idiots.


I think the survival % of a relationship that is born out of an affair depends heavily on why the affair relationship started and how it is managed going forward. There are many reasons people feel driven to have affairs. I suppose how a person reacts, as an individual, to their circumstances at home weighs in on this.

My experience is probably unusual, perhaps in the 2%. My wife and I were an affair, but are very happily married now with two children. We have a high degree of trust in the other - we resolved to not repeat our previous mistakes and we recognize the shortcomings of the other as human beings. Therefore, we set strong marital boundaries and focus on good communication and marriage-building activities. In essence, we've done what neither of us did the first time around.

Any post-affair relationship/marriage that doesn't focus on these things is a set up for potential disaster.


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## Jellybeans

RestlessInGeorgia said:


> She does seem remorseful. Right now I'm still not convinced of whether it's about the affair being exposed or whether it's about what she's done to me..


It could be either one of those and maybe both but I have no doubt she feels a lot due to the fact you uncovered it and it's not a secret anymore. 



RestlessInGeorgia said:


> Do you believe your uncle is an alcoholic because of marrying the woman he had an affair on your aunt with? Does alcoholism seem to be his way of dealing with the guilt, or is his current wife not the gem he thought her to be?


Oh I don't know. I don't know him that well but everyone hates him in the family an dthe OW. LOL. My cousin *his daughter* got married nad OW didn't show her face there, even after having been married to him for eons. He was drunk the entire wedding making an a$$ out of himself. 

It's good you are doing MC.


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## F-102

RestlessInGeorgia said:


> I apologize if I came across as blaming anyone for the statistics. That was definitely not my intention. I just can't see how any relationship can survive, that was born out of an affair. Anyone in their right mind would assume the other person is going to do the same thing to them. I guess this is why the percentage is at 2%. That just means those 2% are just idiots.
> 
> Right now everything is still raw. I can't seem to go 5 minutes without thinking about her affair. Today I am in full-on rage mode because of stupid mind-movies. My wife asked what was wrong with me this morning and I told her that she should know what's wrong and shouldn't even have to ask. She said she just wanted to know if she had done something wrong last night or this morning and I told her no she hadn't, but that she probably wanted to leave me alone for right now. I haven't gone into full-on rage mode since D-Day more than the first week after, and only twice this week. I know since I'm only 11 days out from D-Day that I shouldn't expect anything less.


Exactly-and I'm still waiting for LeAnn Rimes/Eddie Cibrian to disintegrate.


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## michzz

F-102 said:


> Exactly-and I'm still waiting for LeAnn Rimes/Eddie Cibrian to disintegrate.


Nah, they're soulmates.


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## Jellybeans

F-102 said:


> I'm still waiting for LeAnn Rimes/Eddie Cibrian to disintegrate.


When that happens, it's going to be EPIC!


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## F-102

But of course, she has to prove to the world that she made the "right" decision, even if it means she will starve herself to death.


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## RestlessInGeorgia

Update:

I figure it's been a few days since I last updated everyone on what has been going on. Well, last Wednesday I had my first session of IC with the marriage counselor. I explained everything that had happened with the affair and explained our entire lives together. It took about 2 hours. I told him that I couldn't explain why I was so sexually aroused and he told me that it was called hysterical bonding and explained why it was probably happening. He told me that it was probably a subconscious act of trying to reclaim what belongs to me (i.e. my wife). I told him that the entire purpose of me being there was to figure out if my wife and I could reconcile our marriage. He said he would help me figure that out for myself. At the end of the session, he recommended a couple of books for me to read, "Love & Respect", "Wild at Heart", and "The 5 Love Languages". He gave me copies of the books and said that they would help regardless of whether I chose to reconcile or not. He then said that he wanted to continue meeting on a individual basis for at least the next month and then he would evaluate whether we needed to meet as a couple. 

My wife went the next day to her IC session. She told me after that he had recommended she also read "Love & Respect" as well as "The 5 Love Languages" and a book that dealt with self esteem issues. She said she was given a homework assignment to answer two questions. What do you want out of this marriage? Why do you want to be married to "John Smith"? (i.e. generic name of mine for anonymity sake) She said that she found our counselor very easy to talk to and felt very good after leaving her session. 

We really didn't go too much into what we discussed in our individual sessions, as they are private for right now. I know we will need to discuss them at some point when we meet as a couple. My wife found out there was a workbook for "Love & Respect", went to the store, and bought a copy for herself. When I found out, I told her that I would also like a copy of the workbook, so we bought one for me as well. So I see a certain level of commitment from her on our marriage and helping me deal with the affair.

Well, Friday I had a bad day, full of triggers and angry/hurtful thoughts. It really was a bad day and probably the worst so far for me. I just had a deep feeling of loss and hopelessness. I tried to force myself off of thoughts of the A, but they just kept coming. Let me preface this with, my wife got a new phone upgrade on our account and hasn't really figured it out yet. I sent her a text message in the afternoon, being a little flirtatious because she told me earlier in the day that she had bought me a surprise for when I got home. Well, for the past week we have had sex every evening, except one, and it's been the best sex we've ever had together, so I sent a sext message about the surprise. I figured doing this might help get my mind off of the A. I didn't receive a response, so I sent a "Disappointed" text, and when that was unanswered, I sent a third text. At this point I'm started to get pissed that she's not answering me in any way.

I got home and was still in a major funk over the day and her not answering my texts. About 10 seconds before I walk in the door, I receive a reply from her apologizing for not replying to me. I went into the house in a very bad mood. She had bought me a surprise and I wasn't in the right state of mind, so I didn't receive it very graciously. She could tell that I was in a bad mood very quickly and asked if she had done anything wrong. The first couple of times she asked, I told her no. Then when she asked yet again, I finally told her.

I wasn't upset because of the texts, I was upset because of being trapped in my own head with thoughts of the A. I broke down and started sobbing. I asked her why she had done this to me? I asked her what I had done so terribly wrong, that I deserved this? She said I didn't do anything and that none of this was my fault. She started crying as well at this point. I told her that she treated my heart as a play toy, that she was just bored of and tossed to the side. I told her that my heart is broken into a million pieces and that she was responsible for it. She said she knew how it felt to have your heart broken so completely, when she had to give custody of her kids to their father. I asked her, then why would you do that to me? I had given you myself completely. I had given you all of my heart and everything that I am. I asked her why she never saw that, and if she did why she chose to ignore it? She said she didn't know why. All she knew was that, because of how her mother treated her as a child, she figured nobody could love her, if her own mother didn't. She felt like life was just too good to be true and that I was going to get rid of her as soon as I could. She said this was the reason she had the A and had at other times sought emotional comfort from men other than me. She said she was just on a self-destructive cycle and had broken free of it about three years ago and had accepted that I wasn't just going to throw her away like her mother did when she was growing up. 

She said she never wanted me to find out about the A, after she had chosen to keep it a secret and that she didn't have another A afterwards. She had come close, but had pulled herself back because she didn't want to do that to me again. She said she kept the OM in our lives as a friend so that I wouldn't suspect anything had ever happened. She said that it was the second most ignorant mistake she had ever made, after the A. She said she felt like she couldn't come to me about her feelings or concerns and that's why she spoke to other male friends. I told her that those were A's as well, just EA's and not PA's. I told her that those were bad too because she was connecting with these other men on an emotional level. She said that she hadn't thought of those being A's as well, but that didn't matter, it was about how I perceived it. She begged and pleaded that I believe her that she would never have an A on me again. 

We continued to talk for what seemed like hours. I told her that I knew marriages have Peaks and Valleys and that our marriage had basically been on massive Valley since her A, even though I didn't have proof of the A. I told her that in order for this marriage to survive this, I have to know there are going to be more Peaks than Valleys and believe she's committed to me and our marriage. I told her that I'm not stupid enough to think there aren't going to be arguments. But, that there's no reason we can't turn our marriage around and make it more than it ever was. All it takes is commitment and effort from the both of us. Our marriage will be what we make it to be. If either of us feels that the other is not putting any effort in, then it's up to us to say something about it to each other. 

I then decided to address her self-esteem issues. I told her that there is no reason to be ashamed of her body during sex and have sex with the lights out. I told her that I didn't know who sold her on her not having a good-looking body, that it just wasn't true. I told her that what she sees as her physical imperfections were not imperfections to me, they made her unique and beautiful in a way unlike any other woman. I told her that when we made love, her body was the most perfect thing in the world to me, and that's all that should matter. I also told her that she has a very loving and sweet personality and she was generally a good person. She said, but I had the affair. I told her that we all make mistakes and it's not about making the mistake as much as learning from that mistake and never letting it happen again. I told her she should have more respect for herself, that she's a strong, beautiful, intelligent, and loving person.

The conversation started out from my hurt and anger, then turned to a very constructive conversation about what needs to be done to reconcile our marriage. She showed me that her heart is broken for what she had done to me. I really do feel she's remorseful for what she had done. She seems to believe what she's saying about never having an A again and wanting to be with me, if I'll continue to have her. I've known my wife for over 11 years and can tell when she's being completely honest and whether she's hiding something. This is why I always accused her of an affair with the OM, even though I didn't have concrete proof. So I see the honesty in her eyes and she's very sorrowful for what she had done to me. After our conversation, we made love and it was another great love-making session. We've never had such passion in our relationship. It's sad to say, but maybe the A will turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to us. I know that sounds ignorant, and I feel ignorant for saying it.

Saturday we decided to go and have breakfast together at Golden Corral. Her mother called before we left the house and asked to join us for breakfast and to take my wife shopping afterwards. So, we met her there. 

Now, her mother's husband is in prison because he was convicted of molesting my wife's youngest sister. Here's a little back story on this. The sister came home from school one day and asked her mom what her mom would do if she ever got suspended from school. Her mom told her "The worst punishment she had ever had." Well the next day she told her mom that her mom's husband had molested her. Then, we all come to find out that the sister had been suspended from school for being caught smoking. Also, a topic on discussion in one of her classes was about another local man that had been arrested for child molestation. So, the sister deflected the blame onto her mom's husband, thus he went to jail. He was released on bond, the sister had to go live with her biological father, and her mom's husband went back home to her mom. Everyone knew that the sister was lying just to get out of trouble for being suspended. She even told one of her cousins this. Her mom's husband is a very good man, with three children of his own from a previous marriage. He isn't the type of person to have done what he was accused of. Well, the police had collected samples from the laundry basket in their house and found traces of semen on the sisters clothing, which probably got there from a towel that her mom and mom's husband had used, that traces of semen were also found on in the laundry. So, they used this against him and almost a year later he was convicted because of a piss-poor lawyer he had and has to serve 12 years in prison.

So, after that long back story, here's what happened at breakfast Saturday morning. We all start talking about my wife's youngest sister, who is pregnant and also cheating on her fiancee who is out of the country for 3 months. Her mom is condemning the sister over the affair. Then, her mom starts talking about a guy she reconnected with and is having an affair with after 20 years apart, while her husband sits in prison. She's all smiles and everything. This was obviously a trigger for me. Now my wife's mom is not aware of my wife's affair, as far as I know, or at least not aware that I have knowledge of it or she wouldn't be talking about her affair. I looked at her mom and asked what she was going to do when her husband got out of prison? She said that life was just going to go back to normal. I said, so you're going to have an affair for another 7 years, and then you expect your life is just going to go back to normal. She said yes. I just kinda snorted a sarcastic laugh. When my mother-in-law got up to go get more food, I looked at my wife and told her that I had had just about enough of her mother and her hypocritical ways for the day, and that I was just going to leave before I said anything really damaging. My wife said she understood and she apologized for her mother. 

Later Saturday evening, we went to go see Pirates of the Caribbean and sat snuggled together, holding hands in the theater. Afterwards we went for ice-cream and shared a brownie-fudge-sundae. On Sunday, we went to church, came home and spent the entire day at home just enjoying each others company. Not much else to say other than that. She did say at one point in the weekend that she knows we are meant to be together because she had tried to leave me before our marriage and a few times after our marriage and she could never seem to follow through with it. She says that she feels God put us together and that she gave up fighting against it three years ago. She goofingly stated, "You complete me." and gave a slight chuckle. I told her that I already knew that we were meant to be together, I was just waiting on her to realize it too. But, if she did ever have another affair, I wouldn't even consider forgiveness. The marriage would be over. I have a small hope that we can get through this, but again, only time will tell. 

Thanks for all the help and listening again. Sorry this was such a long update.


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## Jellybeans

First of all, I love Golden Corral. I make the biggest salad for myself when I go there, before I eat any of the food.

Now I'm hungry.

Random but back on topic:

It sounds like you guys had a really good talk! Keep it up with being honesty and open with eachother about how you're feeling and what your expectations are. That is true intimacy. It doesn't surprise me at all that you're having amazing sex. Which is also great


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## RestlessInGeorgia

Jellybeans said:


> First of all, I love Golden Corral. I make the biggest salad for myself when I go there, before I eat any of the food.
> 
> Now I'm hungry.
> 
> Random but back on topic:
> 
> It sounds like you guys had a really good talk! Keep it up with being honesty and open with eachother about how you're feeling and what your expectations are. That is true intimacy. It doesn't surprise me at all that you're having amazing sex. Which is also great


Thanks for the advice and encouragement. I don't want to make it all about the sex, but sex is a barometer of the relationship for a man. I've known for years that we had issues because the sex was few and far between and when we had it, it was horrible. I think we are reconnecting and I hope that she's as serious as I am about this marriage. I have started to enjoy talking with her again and spending time together outside of the bed. I really want to believe that we can work through this and everyday it feels like we can. :smthumbup:

Edit: On Golden Corral, I do the same with the salad. I usually start out with steak and sides, then make sure I have room for a huge salad. My only gripe is their Bacon is horribly grease soaked during the breakfast bar.


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## lordmayhem

That's great RiG. Just keep in mind the saying about actions, not words. Should you decide to give the precious gift of R, stay uncompromising with your requirements. You're going to be on the emotional roller coaster for a while yet. I'm sure you've already experienced some of that. One moment you love her with all your heart, the next you will trigger and you can't stand the sight of her.

The HB sex is great too, much more intense than makeup sex.


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## Jellybeans

lordmayhem said:


> The HB sex is great too, much more intense than makeup sex.


It really is!


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## the guy

Your update sound all to fimilar...its nice to have your best friend back, isn't it

Triggers are a b*tch just remember as time goes by there not an excuse to treat your wife sh*tty. 

I wish I had some great way on preventing them..but I just don't have one. When they do happen alls I can do is think about the good and positive things my wife has done in helping me heal.

I hope thats helps and good luck


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## RestlessInGeorgia

the guy said:


> Your update sound all to fimilar...its nice to have your best friend back, isn't it
> 
> Triggers are a b*tch just remember as time goes by there not an excuse to treat your wife sh*tty.
> 
> I wish I had some great way on preventing them..but I just don't have one. When they do happen alls I can do is think about the good and positive things my wife has done in helping me heal.
> 
> I hope thats helps and good luck


Thanks. That's great advice.


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## F-102

Great to here, RIG!

And there's no way in hell that I will ever lose this spare tire if I keep going to Golden Corral!


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## RestlessInGeorgia

F-102 said:


> Great to here, RIG!
> 
> And there's no way in hell that I will ever lose this spare tire if I keep going to Golden Corral!


I hear ya. Mine has shrunken over the past couple of weeks due to loss of appetite, but food has always been a good friend to me. Also, my wife is a great cook and that's one thing I'll never fault her for.


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## Jellybeans

Everything in moderation, guys!


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## RestlessInGeorgia

Jellybeans said:


> Everything in moderation, guys!


I eat in moderation. I moderately work my way through 3 - 4 plates of food. :rofl: 

On a serious note. I usually have a huge problem with portion control and I've found that having small meals several times a day is better than 3 large meals. I don't believe I'm obese in any way, I could just stand to drop about 20 pounds to my optimal weight.


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## Jellybeans

5-6 small meals a day, no soda, cut out sugars = awesome. I try to do this M-F and then on the weekends eat whatever the hell I want.


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## disabled

RestlessInGeorgia said:


> I eat in moderation. I moderately work my way through 3 - 4 plates of food. :rofl:
> 
> On a serious note. I usually have a huge problem with portion control and I've found that having small meals several times a day is better than 3 large meals. I don't believe I'm obese in any way, I could just stand to drop about 20 pounds to my optimal weight.


I used to have a binge eating disorder, I had to pray to Jesus to break the curse of overeating. I used to eat and eat having tears flowing from my eyes. Now, I have been set free by the grace of Jesus. I barely eat a child size meal for a 38 year old. I be full up to the brim.  I have read your posts, they have provided me alot of uplifting words of wisdom. Bless Jesus for the knowledge he has allowed you to share with the forum. I believe all things through him are possible. Take care for now. 

Disabled


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