# Husband can't cum



## Simone25 (Jun 6, 2012)

So my husband is not able to cum through intercourse, no matter what kind. We've been together 8 years and not once has it happened. He does finish himself off at the end when we have sex sometimes, but most of the time he doesn't finish. Its put a major strain on our relationship. For several years I thought he wasn't able to at all until he opened up and told me he could when he masturbated. This of course left me devestated, and feeling useless and unattractive. 4 years later we have a kid (conceived because he finished himself and put it in me to get me pregnant). Things aren't good at all, we rarely have sex, twice a month at a maximum and it's short and not always good. I feel hopeless knowing that it will probably feel like this forever. I don't know if I can take feeling useless to him. The sex is good but I'm always upset after. And I still feel betrayed and can't trust him after finding out that all those times he never did anything with me, he was really mastirbating behind my back and sometimes watching porn. I want this to work bit see no solution. He has stopped masturbating for months at a time and it didn't help. Anyone have any advice? I'm very desperate and love him with all my heart. I don't want to lose him over this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I'm sorry you're going through this. I've had problems with sex and porn in my marriage and it left me with a very wounded self-esteem. 

I'm reluctant to believe that your H abstained from masturbating for months. I'd take his word with a grain of salt and I'd probably assume he is lying. 

It doesn't sound like he wants to change. Maybe if you let him know that you can't live this way he'll start to want to change.


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## MindOverMatter (Jul 1, 2012)

"SOMETIMES watching porn"? 

If this guy cannot cum inside you -- and not to be graphic, but there is no better feeling than being inside a woman -- then he's watching A LOT of porn, and there's no way he's going months between viewings.

I've watched porn in the past, but I've never not been able to finish inside my wife. I think you need to have a serious heart-to-heart with this guy and let him know EXACTLY how you feel about this matter. This isn't trivial to you, nor should it be.


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## Simone25 (Jun 6, 2012)

He has definitely tried. He's gone to a doctor, gone to a therapist, and tried all sorts of remedies and things to try and help. We believe the proble
Is that he masturbated a lot when he was younger, and that he is so used to that type of stimulation that nothing else gets hi
Off, like a mental block. And I know when he watches porn and can honestly say he hasn't in a very long time. I check the computer,etc and he is very open with me. We have had several deep conversations about it and he is just as hurt as I am.
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## Simone25 (Jun 6, 2012)

My issue here is not the porn, I know he doesn't have an addiction to it. He has sworn on our daughters life that it's been months since he's done anything. He is able to masturbate in front of me with no porn on and he does quite easily. So I am not looking for an answer to porn problems here, I'm looking for similar experiences and advice on him not being able to reach orgasm with me. And he hasn't been able to with women in the past either, so I know it's not me, bit very hard for me not to feel unattractive.
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## MindOverMatter (Jul 1, 2012)

I don't think he could have masturbated any more than the average guy when he was younger. Teenage boys -- and I was one, once -- masturbate pretty frequently. 

Glad to hear he has sought medical help for this. Out of curiosity, how is his diet and fitness level?


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## glitchathon (Oct 22, 2009)

Have you tried a handjob with a lot of guidance from him? Maybe first understand the physical sensation he needs to get off.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MindOverMatter (Jul 1, 2012)

Simone25 said:


> My issue here is not the porn, I know he doesn't have an addiction to it. He has sworn on our daughters life that it's been months since he's done anything. He is able to masturbate in front of me with no porn on and he does quite easily. So I am not looking for an answer to porn problems here, I'm looking for similar experiences and advice on him not being able to reach orgasm with me. And he hasn't been able to with women in the past either, so I know it's not me, bit very hard for me not to feel unattractive.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Simone -- I wasn't trying to address the porn issue. Honestly, a LOT of guys watch porn and have no issues performing with their wives. What's truly baffling is that he can climax that way, but not with you. Trust me, no hand job I have ever given myself has ever felt as good as actual sex with a woman. 

I realize it's easy for me to say this, and difficult for you to do, but the issue here clearly is not your level of attractiveness. Your husband truly has a medical (maybe psychological) issue that needs to be addressed, and I doubt it has anything to do with you.


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## Simone25 (Jun 6, 2012)

MindOverMatter said:


> Simone -- I wasn't trying to address the porn issue. Honestly, a LOT of guys watch porn and have no issues performing with their wives. What's truly baffling is that he can climax that way, but not with you. Trust me, no hand job I have ever given myself has ever felt as good as actual sex with a woman.
> 
> I realize it's easy for me to say this, and difficult for you to do, but the issue here clearly is not your level of attractiveness. Your husband truly has a medical (maybe psychological) issue that needs to be addressed, and I doubt it has anything to do with you.


Thanks for your input. He tells me that it feels 1000 times better than when he does it himself, but that he gets to a point with MD where he can feel it coming and then it just goes away. So i honestly believe it's mental. He does need more help though. It's just difficult to find a therapist with experience with this, as it is very uncommon at his age. He is 25, he is in good health and slim, but he does smoke cigarettes (daily) and pot (often) and drinks very rarely. He also has a history of bi-polar and was on many meds as a teenager. I don't think his fertility is the issue though as it took one try to conceive our baby, but that might've been luck. I'm just at a loss. We never have sex, and it's because he feels bad that he can't, not just for him, but for me as well. I try to not let him know it bothers me, but I have cried after sex, and tried to hide it. I just know he is never going to want me. He never starts things with me unless he is drunk, he isn't passionate or sporadic. I understand why he isn't but I don't know how to cope.
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## Simone25 (Jun 6, 2012)

glitchathon said:


> Have you tried a handjob with a lot of guidance from him? Maybe first understand the physical sensation he needs to get off.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We have tried everything, I h e tried several times to give him a handjob bit he doesnt come close. He has me do it a certain way, or guides my hand, but nothing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Joey_ (Jul 7, 2012)

Tell him to hold his breath (do not use any device to cut off his, air, just for him to merely hold his breath) when he is ready to cum. Also, he likely needs to work on his concentration. 

You might be able to assist by making the experience as erotic as possible.....perhaps you could watch some porn and learn tricks regarding erotica. Learn what you husband finds hot....what does he think about when he masturbates.

However, as stated by others in this thread, this is your husband's problem.....not yours. 

Good luck!

Joey


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## MindOverMatter (Jul 1, 2012)

Simone25 said:


> Thanks for your input. He tells me that it feels 1000 times better than when he does it himself, but that he gets to a point with MD where he can feel it coming and then it just goes away. So i honestly believe it's mental. He does need more help though. It's just difficult to find a therapist with experience with this, as it is very uncommon at his age. He is 25, he is in good health and slim, but he does smoke cigarettes (daily) and pot (often) and drinks very rarely. He also has a history of bi-polar and was on many meds as a teenager. I don't think his fertility is the issue though as it took one try to conceive our baby, but that might've been luck. I'm just at a loss. We never have sex, and it's because he feels bad that he can't, not just for him, but for me as well. I try to not let him know it bothers me, but I have cried after sex, and tried to hide it. I just know he is never going to want me. He never starts things with me unless he is drunk, he isn't passionate or sporadic. I understand why he isn't but I don't know how to cope.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Am I correct in assuming you are roughly the same age? The cigarette smoking isn't doing him any favors, but at age 25, it shouldn't cause him any issues with his libido. The bi-polar meds are troubling, because it's possible they could have done some damage.

Is it possible that he suffered some type of sexual event with either a male or female before you met him? Perhaps a childhood thing?

I feel for you -- life is difficult enough when things are working as they normally should, but this problem undoubtedly has you shaking your head.


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## Joey_ (Jul 7, 2012)

Optimize Your Orgasms


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## Simone25 (Jun 6, 2012)

MindOverMatter said:


> Am I correct in assuming you are roughly the same age? The cigarette smoking isn't doing him any favors, but at age 25, it shouldn't cause him any issues with his libido. The bi-polar meds are troubling, because it's possible they could have done some damage.
> 
> Is it possible that he suffered some type of sexual event with either a male or female before you met him? Perhaps a childhood thing?
> 
> I feel for you -- life is difficult enough when things are working as they normally should, but this problem undoubtedly has you shaking your head.


Yes I'm 25 as well. I have no problem with wanting sex, at least I didn't until all of this, which now it just turns me off because I already know the end result. As far as I know he has no trauma or anything like that in his past. We've gone over everything in detail many times. I just have no clue what to do. We have tried soooo many things. Everything previously mentioned and it never helps.
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## MindOverMatter (Jul 1, 2012)

Simone25 said:


> Yes I'm 25 as well. I have no problem with wanting sex, at least I didn't until all of this, which now it just turns me off because I already know the end result. As far as I know he has no trauma or anything like that in his past. We've gone over everything in detail many times. I just have no clue what to do. We have tried soooo many things. Everything previously mentioned and it never helps.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Unfortunately, even if you get to the underlying reason, your husband's probably going to have an incredibly bad case of performance anxiety.

Can't say I blame you about not wanting sex -- if I knew how the movie ended every time, I wouldn't bother to watch. Hopefully someone with a shared experience can chime in. I sincerely wish I could help, because your frustration comes through in your post. Keep your chin up, because this honestly does not sound like anything having to do with you or your performance.


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## Simone25 (Jun 6, 2012)

MindOverMatter said:


> Unfortunately, even if you get to the underlying reason, your husband's probably going to have an incredibly bad case of performance anxiety.
> 
> Can't say I blame you about not wanting sex -- if I knew how the movie ended every time, I wouldn't bother to watch. Hopefully someone with a shared experience can chime in. I sincerely wish I could help, because your frustration comes through in your post. Keep your chin up, because this honestly does not sound like anything having to do with you or your performance.


I honestly believe that if he does have any hope of overcoming it, it's not going to be with me. There is too much emotional damage between us, too much fighting, resentment, and mistrust. As much as I hate to admit it, its hopeless. The sex is really good when it does happen, but it's always in the back of my mind, and his, that nothings Gunna happen. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

Your husband has what is called "delayed ejaculation" due to lost of jerking it, also called "death grip syndrome" (Google it). The problem is he's grown so accustomed to his hand that he can't cum any other way. This isn't so weird when you think about it. No vagina can replicate the pressure and stroking mechanism of a hand. And let's face it, he'd had years of practice before you two had met.

I suffered through this, too, and honestly I'm still working on it. Here's what I'm doing (don't laugh): I bought a fleshlight. Seriously. You can go to the fleshlight website, go to their forum, and see all kinds of posts about guys using them to overcome delayed ejaculation. You can Google it, too. Look up "using fleshlight to overcome death grip syndrome" and you'll see plans that guys have developed to get over it.

Here's what you do: Whether he masturbates alone or whether he uses it at the end of sex with you to finish, he uses the fleshlight, NOT his hand, NEVER his hand. You're trying to get his d!ck to regain its sensitivity. Most men have reported that after a couple months of this, they can finish inside their ladies. 

And it makes a nice toy for those times when sex isn't possible, too.


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

Simone25 said:


> I honestly believe that if he does have any hope of overcoming it, it's not going to be with me. There is too much emotional damage between us, too much fighting, resentment, and mistrust. As much as I hate to admit it, its hopeless. The sex is really good when it does happen, but it's always in the back of my mind, and his, that nothings Gunna happen.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And as much as we men may not like to admit it, performance anxiety can be a huge problem. We like to pretend that we're complete studs, but sometimes this sh!t gets in your head and that just makes the problem way worse.


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## Simone25 (Jun 6, 2012)

Davelli0331 said:


> Your husband has what is called "delayed ejaculation" due to lost of jerking it, also called "death grip syndrome" (Google it). The problem is he's grown so accustomed to his hand that he can't cum any other way. This isn't so weird when you think about it. No vagina can replicate the pressure and stroking mechanism of a hand. And let's face it, he'd had years of practice before you two had met.
> 
> I suffered through this, too, and honestly I'm still working on it. Here's what I'm doing (don't laugh): I bought a fleshlight. Seriously. You can go to the fleshlight website, go to their forum, and see all kinds of posts about guys using them to overcome delayed ejaculation. You can Google it, too. Look up "using fleshlight to overcome death grip syndrome" and you'll see plans that guys have developed to get over it.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

There are so many generalizations stated in this thread that I won't bother addressing even one of them for fear of being banished once again.
Let me just say there are a myriad of causes for a man's failure to ejaculate and NONE of them have to do with his not loving or even appreciating his wife.


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

I use it 2-4x a week, and I've been using it for 2 months now. I use it when we have sex, and I also keep it in the shower and I'll have have a go at it for a few minutes most days toward the end of my shower. I only use it to completion after sex, though. That's the other thing, you're H has to quit jerking it outside of sex. If he's jerking 2-3x a week not counting when you guys have sex, that makes it really difficult to finish during sex.


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## Simone25 (Jun 6, 2012)

Davelli0331 said:


> I use it 2-4x a week, and I've been using it for 2 months now. I use it when we have sex, and I also keep it in the shower and I'll have have a go at it for a few minutes most days toward the end of my shower. I only use it to completion after sex, though. That's the other thing, you're H has to quit jerking it outside of sex. If he's jerking 2-3x a week not counting when you guys have sex, that makes it really difficult to finish during sex.


He has stopped for months at a time with no improvement during sex. He says it feels a little better when we have sex, like he can feel more. But it just doesn't seem to make that big of a difference. He went to a sex therapist who had us do exercises, but nothing came FTP
That either.
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## Vanquish (Nov 10, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_

Is he able to stay hard the whole time?

I have a thought. Many women aren't able to have an orgasm during sex, but they insist that they still enjoy that time with their husband. Maybe it's true that your husband still enjoys the sex, loves to see you have an orgasm, but then has to finish on his own. That might just have to be the way it is for a while. Maybe you are putting too much pressure on him. You are able and willing to have sex, you even have a child. That puts you in a much better position than many couples. 

Making a big deal of it will make it worse. If I even have the slightest bit of performance anxiety it takes all the will power, fantasy and concentration I have to stay hard. 

Enjoy him, your child, and be thankful that you have some sex. Many people have none of that.


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## ioatham (Jul 12, 2012)

I completely understand where you are at; my husband has the exact same problem. We have been together for 6+ years, and he was a virgin before we met. So, needless to say he only had self stimulation before we met. It was very very difficult at first. I never blamed myself though. I realize that this is his problem, and I know that it is very psychological. My husband used to view porn a lot before we were together. He does not now, and it hasn't helped his problem. He does not masturbate without me being there. Our only solution is to make love as usual (he is llike the energizer bunny...can go forever because of his inability to orgasm with intercourse)...so,when we are ready to be 'done', he gets himself to the point of climax, and then right before the finish line, he inserts and finishes in me. (hate to be so graphic!!) I just want you to know that you are NOT alone in this. Pornography & years of self stimulation has robbed both of us from a normal sex life. You CAN not allow this issue to ruin things between you two. As for my marriage, I had to get past it and realize that this is how he is. It isn't personal. It is what it is. At least you have been blessed with a child, considering the circumstances. We havent been so fortunate. I have tried HJ's, BJ's, never ever have I been able to make him climax. We have tried him going weeks & months without orgasm. It didn't work. I truly feel your pain, but it sounds like tour husband may be having sine libido problems also that need to be dealt with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Simone25 (Jun 6, 2012)

Vanquish said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_
> 
> Is he able to stay hard the whole time?
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Simone25 (Jun 6, 2012)

Simone25 said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He has no problem staying hard at all. I'm sure he does enjoy it but has told me that it's on his mind the whole time (thinking whether he will this time, not wanting to disappoint me). I know me stressing it probably hasn't helped at all, but after 8 years it's hard to sit silent.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## J.R.Jefferis (Jun 27, 2012)

There may be some sort of inhibition factor at play here and he needs to relax more when he is with you. In these cases I have heard that a good hand job can be the first step towards him being able to finish with you...


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## Simone25 (Jun 6, 2012)

I haven't ever been able to make him climax either. We conceived our daughter the same way you said you all do, him finihin and puttin it in at the end. I'm really trying to cope with it and realize that I have nothing to do with it. Easier said than done of course. But I want to make it work, I wouldn't have stuck it out this long and had a child if I didn't want him in y life forever. Thanks for your input, and a much as I hate for anymore else to have to go yrhough this, it is nice to know I'm not alone. 





ioatham said:


> I completely understand where you are at; my husband has the exact same problem. We have been together for 6+ years, and he was a virgin before we met. So, needless to say he only had self stimulation before we met. It was very very difficult at first. I never blamed myself though. I realize that this is his problem, and I know that it is very psychological. My husband used to view porn a lot before we were together. He does not now, and it hasn't helped his problem. He does not masturbate without me being there. Our only solution is to make love as usual (he is llike the energizer bunny...can go forever because of his inability to orgasm with intercourse)...so,when we are ready to be 'done', he gets himself to the point of climax, and then right before the finish line, he inserts and finishes in me. (hate to be so graphic!!) I just want you to know that you are NOT alone in this. Pornography & years of self stimulation has robbed both of us from a normal sex life. You CAN not allow this issue to ruin things between you two. As for my marriage, I had to get past it and realize that this is how he is. It isn't personal. It is what it is. At least you have been blessed with a child, considering the circumstances. We havent been so fortunate. I have tried HJ's, BJ's, never ever have I been able to make him climax. We have tried him going weeks & months without orgasm. It didn't work. I truly feel your pain, but it sounds like tour husband may be having sine libido problems also that need to be dealt with.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

People connecting this masturbation and porn should be aware 99% of the guys out there have masturbated and used some sort of porn for it and don't have this problem (don't ask me what the remaining 1% did). Clearly, the problem isn't too much mastuburbation and porn. This is a psychological issue that needs to be solved and is probably very specific to each man that has this problem. 

Ask your men what they use as mental image to get off. If you can get an honest answer you may work it off. Or, as alternative, try and find out what kind of porn they like. It may give you clues to what is going on.


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## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

I would seek out a new sex therapist who specializes in this sort of thing. A urologist would likely be able to provide a referral.


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## SoWhat (Jan 7, 2012)

Vanquish said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_
> 
> Is he able to stay hard the whole time?
> 
> ...



Great post.

I have DE. As far as I can tell, it has nothing to do with "death grip" (though Davelli is helpful for putting that POV out there) - I stopped masturbating for quite a while and nothing changed. When I do go "solo," it takes about 45 minutes to an hour.

I still love my GF even when I don't cum. I still love having sex with her! 

This became an issue for us several months ago and it made everything miserable. I said "But you don't always get off from sex either!" 
She said "But it's different, I'm a woman!" 

Don't impose this double standard on him. Relax. RELAX!


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## Simone25 (Jun 6, 2012)

I understand what you mean, but he doesn't have sex with me for that reason, not the other way around. So feeling like he enjoys it is pretty difficult when I have to intiate every single time. Not sure if it has much to do with death grip because he doesn't seem to hold it that tight, plus he can cum easily with a product similar to the fleshlight. 



SoWhat said:


> Great post.
> 
> I have DE. As far as I can tell, it has nothing to do with "death grip" (though Davelli is helpful for putting that POV out there) - I stopped masturbating for quite a while and nothing changed. When I do go "solo," it takes about 45 minutes to an hour.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SoWhat (Jan 7, 2012)

Simone25 said:


> I understand what you mean, but he doesn't have sex with me for that reason, not the other way around. So feeling like he enjoys it is pretty difficult when I have to intiate every single time. Not sure if it has much to do with death grip because he doesn't seem to hold it that tight, plus he can cum easily with a product similar to the fleshlight.
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Hmmm. Thanks for the info. 

This is one instance where I really would recommend putting on the porn-moratorium, and I'm generally really opposed to that.


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## Simone25 (Jun 6, 2012)

Also the difference is you say you still love her when you don't cum, but how would your feelings change about that if you never did once in 8 years? That's a whole different story. Not Trying to sound *****y just saying that it does take a very big toll on our relationship. Feeling useless for a long time is difficult, especially to the only person you want, no matter how confident one is. 



Simone25 said:


> I understand what you mean, but he doesn't have sex with me for that reason, not the other way around. So feeling like he enjoys it is pretty difficult when I have to intiate every single time. Not sure if it has much to do with death grip because he doesn't seem to hold it that tight, plus he can cum easily with a product similar to the fleshlight.
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Simone25 (Jun 6, 2012)

We've watched porn several times, hasn't made a difference. 



SoWhat said:


> Hmmm. Thanks for the info.
> 
> This is one instance where I really would recommend putting on the porn-moratorium, and I'm generally really opposed to that.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SoWhat (Jan 7, 2012)

Simone25 said:


> We've watched porn several times, hasn't made a difference.
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, I mean the other way around. Tell him to not masturbate/look at porn for some indefinite period of time.

If I didn't for 8 years? 
I don't know. I'd probably get used to it (or maybe I'm just telling myself that).
It's something I continue to work on. I know it's important to her for self-esteem reasons, so I do my best. I'm probably at 20% of the time now. Earlier in the relationship, I was at like 5%.


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## Simone25 (Jun 6, 2012)

SoWhat said:


> No, I mean the other way around. Tell him to not masturbate/look at porn for some indefinite period of time.
> 
> If I didn't for 8 years?
> I don't know. I'd probably get used to it (or maybe I'm just telling myself that).
> It's something I continue to work on. I know it's important to her for self-esteem reasons, so I do my best. I'm probably at 20% of the time now. Earlier in the relationship, I was at like 5%.


Oh ok. Well he has stopped for months at a time with no improvement. So it doesn't really seem to help. I just wish he would try more. To me, if he really cares about it that much, he would try harder. Anything he has done has come from me suggesting it, not because he took initiative. Sometimes I feel like we should take a break.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

Honestly, this seems like a typical situation with couples, only in reverse. Generally it's the men frustrated about being able to help their wives climax. I think the same kind of advice is appropriate here: don't worry about getting him to climax. Just focus on pleasing each other. Orgasms aren't a goal, they're a bonus.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> I just wish he would try more. To me, if he really cares about it that much, he would try harder. Anything he has done has come from me suggesting it, not because he took initiative.


He knows why he can't... And it doesn't have to do with the type of physical stimulation. He has a mental block that is easy to get through when he is doing it himself. You really need to figure this out with HIM.


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## Simone25 (Jun 6, 2012)

costa200 said:


> He knows why he can't... And it doesn't have to do with the type of physical stimulation. He has a mental block that is easy to get through when he is doing it himself. You really need to figure this out with HIM.


I have asked him so many times but he just won't open up to me about it. I don't know what to do anymore. I try to relax and enjoy the sex but I know he's always thinking about it, and can tell when he is. I wish he'd talk to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SoWhat (Jan 7, 2012)

This almost sounds like a form of performance anxiety. 
The more he stresses about it, the worse it becomes. The worse it becomes, the more stressed he is about it. 

So maybe continually putting it under the microscope, trying to get him to "open up" is a not the best idea.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> I have asked him so many times but he just won't open up to me about it.


Do you think there is some sort of shame on his part? I mean, what if what he is using mentally to finish isn't exactly kosher or something? 

Also, putting pressure on him can make things worse even... I think he should get specialized help.


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## Simone25 (Jun 6, 2012)

costa200 said:


> Do you think there is some sort of shame on his part? I mean, what if what he is using mentally to finish isn't exactly kosher or something?
> 
> Also, putting pressure on him can make things worse even... I think he should get specialized help.


I dont think there is anything strange that he thinks of. He has told me what he thinks about and it's just the normal stuff, sex in general, me, etc. I've found his porn before and it's nothing alarming, just the normal. His answer never changes when I ask him about it. He says he doesn't initiate with me cuz he feels like he is letting me down by not finishing. I'm not putting pressure on him to cum, I just want him to realize that I'm not disappointed by that, but rather the fact that he never wants sex with me. He obviously has to have a sex drive if he masturbates, but I think that is gone downhill because now he says he only does every couple of months an then feels guilty afterwards because he should have done stuff with me. I know he has anxiety about it which is why he avOids it. I want him to get help too but can't find any sex therapists where we live. It's like this crap is taboo or something.
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## Simone25 (Jun 6, 2012)

costa200 said:


> Do you think there is some sort of shame on his part? I mean, what if what he is using mentally to finish isn't exactly kosher or something?
> 
> Also, putting pressure on him can make things worse even... I think he should get specialized help.


He ha answered a lot of questions and we have come very far. For 2/3 years I didn't even know he was able to cum at all, and now he can do it in front of me with no problem. So he has opened up but I still feel like there is more too it, and he possibly can't explain it. Like a mental block or something subconscious that he can't control.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Simone25 (Jun 6, 2012)

Bumping to update. Things are a little better. He is going to therapy and weve been more open with each other and having sex more often. Still no change as far as he goes though. Anyone else have input?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

Dr. Rockstar said:


> Honestly, this seems like a typical situation with couples, only in reverse. Generally it's the men frustrated about being able to help their wives climax. I think the same kind of advice is appropriate here: don't worry about getting him to climax. Just focus on pleasing each other. Orgasms aren't a goal, they're a bonus.


^THIS^



Vanquish said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_
> 
> Is he able to stay hard the whole time?
> 
> ...


And ^THIS^

This is the first thing I thought. I am in the exact situation as you but reversed (my wife can only orgasm by herself). After she beat it in my head that having an orgasm is just not important to her, that she still enjoys sex with me, I finnally chose to accept that and stopped beating myself up for it. The general advice for men who have this issue is that a woman's orgasm is her own choice and she must own it. Same should be true form a man...right?


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## Simone25 (Jun 6, 2012)

The difference though ia that is does matter to him. He beats himself up over it to the point where he just avoids sex with me. It would be different if it didnt bother him. He says he thinks about it too much. I don't know how to make him understand that it doesn't matter to ME. 




QUOTE=hubby;1057423]^THIS^



And ^THIS^

This is the first thing I thought. I am in the exact situation as you but reversed (my wife can only orgasm by herself). After she beat it in my head that having an orgasm is just not important to her, that she still enjoys sex with me, I finnally chose to accept that and stopped beating myself up for it. The general advice for men who have this issue is that a woman's orgasm is her own choice and she must own it. Same should be true form a man...right?[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ioatham (Jul 12, 2012)

Thanks for bumping. I actually have some great news. After 6.5 years together...we hit a really rough patch (husband caught watching porn, and decided to tell me many things he'd not been too honest with me about). We really sought God for healing in our marriage & sex life, and took a 2 week break from intercourse. Before the first time we came together again, I prayed that God would make everything work like it should. Sure enough, it did! Its been 2 months now, and virtually each time we've ML, he has been able to orgasm just like normal.

I NEVER thought there was hope. I've obviously learned differently. 

HOLD ONTO HOPE.


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## Simone25 (Jun 6, 2012)

ioatham said:


> Thanks for bumping. I actually have some great news. After 6.5 years together...we hit a really rough patch (husband caught watching porn, and decided to tell me many things he'd not been too honest with me about). We really sought God for healing in our marriage & sex life, and took a 2 week break from intercourse. Before the first time we came together again, I prayed that God would make everything work like it should. Sure enough, it did! Its been 2 months now, and virtually each time we've ML, he has been able to orgasm just like normal.
> 
> I NEVER thought there was hope. I've obviously learned differently.
> 
> HOLD ONTO HOPE.



I try. After 8 years its very hard. It's not as if it only happens sometimes, it has never happened, not even once.  I feel like it will be this way forever.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## finebyme72 (Jul 12, 2011)

I used to suffer from delayed ejaculation for two reasons: anxiety and I took anti-depressants for a short time after my parents died. I also had the death grip syndrome as well. Professional help might be the only thing that helps. I found that once I cut out the anti-depressants and let up on pleasuring myself, I found that not only could I orgasm more quickly but it was also much stronger. Now I have DE only occasionally after I run 5-10 miles. But my point is, there probably isn't any one thing that is the cause, it could be all of these things. Seek help.


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## lovingsummer (Jul 27, 2012)

Is he on any anti-depressants now? My H takes Paxil and at a higher dose, there is no "happy ending" without an entire marathon of different stimulation. Sex, HJ, BJ, etc. It sucks


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

I had the same problem, hence my handle, and it turned out to be my maturbation technique. I was using a strong grip, which got stronger with time, so was unable to come with the relatively loose 'grip' of a vagina. I took some advice on using only a very light grip for a week or two and 're-conditioned' myself and it sorted the problem out.


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## Simone25 (Jun 6, 2012)

johnnycomelately said:


> I had the same problem, hence my handle, and it turned out to be my maturbation technique. I was using a strong grip, which got stronger with time, so was unable to come with the relatively loose 'grip' of a vagina. I took some advice on using only a very light grip for a week or two and 're-conditioned' myself and it sorted the problem out.


He has gone from doing it 2-3 times a week to maybe once every two months, and doesn't use his hand anymore but rather some toys I got him that closey represent a vagina. He's fine with that and it takes him very little time. Just with me he can't. And he doesn't take anti depressants, he did maybe 8-10 years ago, never has since he met me. I dont think it's a 
Physical problem. He says he just puts too much pressure on with me to do it. He is going to therapy now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Simone25 said:


> He has gone from doing it 2-3 times a week to maybe once every two months, and doesn't use his hand anymore but rather some toys I got him that closey represent a vagina. He's fine with that and it takes him very little time. Just with me he can't. And he doesn't take anti depressants, he did maybe 8-10 years ago, never has since he met me. I dont think it's a
> Physical problem. He says he just puts too much pressure on with me to do it. He is going to therapy now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Maybe you should decide not to have penetrative sex for a period of time. If you take the performance issue off the table by deciding to just go with mutual masturbation, oral etc you can just focus on pleasuring each other for a while, and move slowly back to penetration later.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Has he considered getting off the pot for a while? You said earlier he is a regular user. I don't know how regular but I know many people who are regular users who feel it doesn't impact them in any way but clearly does.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Why is this thread so long? Stop masturbating. Period. Fixed.


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## Simone25 (Jun 6, 2012)

Drover said:


> Why is this thread so long? Stop masturbating. Period. Fixed.


Had you actually READ previous comments you'd see that he has stopped and it hasn't solved the problem, so get off your high horse you insensitive ****.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Simone25 (Jun 6, 2012)

Drover said:


> Why is this thread so long? Stop masturbating. Period. Fixed.


And if you don't have any input, then **** off.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Simone25 (Jun 6, 2012)

MaritimeGuy said:


> Has he considered getting off the pot for a while? You said earlier he is a regular user. I don't know how regular but I know many people who are regular users who feel it doesn't impact them in any way but clearly does.


I'm sure the pot doesn't helP, but he stopped for 2 years and nothing changed. Doesn't mean he shouldn't stop again, I just don't believe that's the root cause.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Simone25 said:


> I don't know how to make him understand that it doesn't matter to ME.


Of course it matters to YOU, it's all about YOU.

Look, you even wrote it here:



Simone25 said:


> Its put a major strain on our relationship. For several years I thought he wasn't able to at all until he opened up and told me he could when he masturbated. This of course left me devestated, and feeling useless and unattractive.


He's feeling pressured because you can't handle it.

The root of this problem is you, and the fact that he knows you're devastated, feeling useless, and unattractive. 

Too bad because it probably had nothing to do with you originally and what might have been a minor inconvenience is now a major stumbling block. 

I can see why he's avoiding sex with you, guys don't want to be failures and that's how he feels when he's with you.


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## Simone25 (Jun 6, 2012)

I was devastated because he lied to me. Not because he can't do that. He avoided having sex with me for years because of it, so excuse me for feeling hurt and betrayed. My issue is not him not doing that, my issue is him not having sex with me, which is clearly because of it. For 3 years I didn't even bring it up. I always offer to help him finish. It's not like I'm there asking "are you going to now, now, now?" please don't try to act like you know the in's and out's of my relationship. I came here for advice, not criticism.



sharkeey said:


> Of course it matters to YOU, it's all about YOU.
> 
> Look, you even wrote it here:
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Simone25 said:


> I was devastated because he lied to me. Not because he can't do that. He avoided having sex with me for years because of it, so excuse me for feeling hurt and betrayed. My issue is not him not doing that, my issue is him not having sex with me, which is clearly because of it.


You were devastated, hurt, and betrayed because he lied to you. Got it. Did you feel useless and unattractive because he lied to you? Of course not, you feel that way because he can orgasm via masturbation but not when he's having sex with you, and of course he knows you feel this way so it makes the problem worse.



Simone25 said:


> please don't try to act like you know the in's and out's of my relationship. I came here for advice, not criticism.


You want advice, you got it.

No reason to be defensive.


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