# cyclical - why do i always think it will change?



## RPosie (Aug 2, 2008)

Hi all - in need of some advice, had a blowup with the husband after marriage counseling tonight...he has decided after telling me and signing on paper that he is going to give up a bad habit (smoking) that now he just wants to do it in 'moderation'...been here, seen this, and yet I get the verbal abuse that I don't trust him, etc etc. 

I'm so tired of the game. I'm so tired of thinking it's going to work and then getting hit with emotional manipulation.

When do we finally give in, and acknowledge that it just isn't worth fighting for anymore? (It's been 10 yrs)


----------



## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

I am confused - you are in marital counseling because of his smoking?

Or is it about him saying one thing and never sticking to what he's said (other than about smoking)?


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

RPosie said:


> and yet I get the verbal abuse that I don't trust him, etc etc.


how is him telling you he thinks you dont trust him verbal abuse? i dont get that.


----------



## Tiredspouse0297 (Dec 9, 2010)

Maybe she means the guilt trips. I get that for everything from my husband. You're a bad person because you don't trust them or you want them to run to the store after work or etc. etc. etc.


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Tiredspouse0297 said:


> Maybe she means the guilt trips. I get that for everything from my husband. You're a bad person because you don't trust them or you want them to run to the store after work or etc. etc. etc.


that may be but usually if you feel guilted by someone it means part of you thinks they are right.


----------



## moonangel (Jan 19, 2011)

It's been going on for 10 years? WOW. How do you stay?


----------



## k.m (May 18, 2009)

RPosie,

I can relate. I can't help you, sadly, because I'm kind of in the same boat, but I can relate.

We continue because we're either very very stupid or very very optimistic. Since, in every other area of my life I am a dyed-in-the-wool pessimist -- I must be stupid.

I've lived the cycles even longer than you. I keep thinking he'll learn that telling me the truth is better, but he doesn't, and I've learned a response to his bullsh*t over the years that is guaranteed to make him WANT to lie to me, unfortunately. And, when I bring up that he always lies, and usually gets caught, he tries to gaslight me into thinking that it never happened. Or make me out to be the bad guy ("I have to lie to you").

Yah. Right.

Well -- again, I cannot help. But at least you know you're not alone!


----------



## RPosie (Aug 2, 2008)

Thanks for all the responses.



reachingshore said:


> I am confused - you are in marital counseling because of his smoking?
> 
> Or is it about him saying one thing and never sticking to what he's said (other than about smoking)?


We're in counseling for a couple of reasons....we were making progress (I thought) but the quit method didn't work which has caused me to lose trust in him - I REALLY thought he was going to do it this time. Sadly. Also makes me question how much he really respects me and my wishes.




blanca said:


> how is him telling you he thinks you dont trust him verbal abuse? i dont get that.


It's verbal abuse when you're told by the person who has promised and made an oath to love you no matter what things no wife or lover should ever have to hear - and he plays it up like it's a big joke, I'm just the only one who doesn't get his humor. You mention guilt - I feel guilty because I love him, no matter how messed up he is (who isn't - I'm certainly not saying I don't have my F-ups too) and hope that one day he'll be better. 



moonlight said:


> It's been going on for 10 years? WOW. How do you stay?


Because it wasn't always like this...it has had it's good times. But it's also been one bad substitute for another - the big picture pulls together that it's a cycle - and it's like no moderation exists.



k.m. said:


> I can relate. I can't help you, sadly, because I'm kind of in the same boat, but I can relate.


I'm sorry that you are in a similiar boat. I guess misery loves company sometimes. It just is good to know I'm not alone, thank you for posting and I hope things get better for you.

So, with that being said - any other suggestions? As mentioned, we're in counseling - I don't know what else to really do. Will it change or am I being naive?


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

RPosie said:


> It's verbal abuse when you're told by the person who has promised and made an oath to love you no matter what things no wife or lover should ever have to hear -


According to your logic, that one should love no matter what because you made an oath, you ought to love him inspite of what he's saying. You made that promise, too. But i think you can appreciate that it doesnt work that way. 

Im sure you've slung a few unloving, manipulative things his way at times and things are starting to get out of hand. It doesnt do you any good to play the martyr or the victim. Its a chicken or the egg situation where no one really knows who started what. its more like you two are a catalyst for each other's issues, you push his buttons, he pushes yours. The Dance of Dysfunction as its called. If you leave him as the victim you'll take all your emotional baggage and blindly play it out in a new relationship down the road. Im sure he is dysfunctional, there's no doubt about that, and maybe leaving him is the best option. I think there are some situations where it is not possible to heal in the presence of the other dysfunctional spouse. But dont leave and play the victim. It wont help you down the road. Own your contribution to the dysfunction and change it so you can have a better life.


----------

