# anniversary problems



## uncool (Dec 12, 2010)

I posted this on another forum and am reposting it here:
married 17yrs 4 kids. I am the romantic type of husband who loves to spoil his wife. Every time I try to make our anniversary special she seems to fight it.
What is wrong with a nice candle lit dinner at a nice restaurant to commemorate your marriage? 
This year I decided to make plans in advance. I gave her 3 choices. The first two choices were mine... then I said if that didn't sound fun she was more than welcome to choose something she wanted to do. I reminded her a few days in advance. I hinted I liked option #1... she said she didn't want to do option#1 so I dropped it thinking option#2 & #3 were what she was maybe aiming towards. My wife hates to talk or communicate in any fashion... it seems to be my job to guess what she wants. I'm just dying to get a reconnection going w/my wife. So friday night is our anniversary. I text her right before I leave the office asking her if she's ready to go out. She texts me back and says "lets talk about it when you get home". So things are already starting to fall apart. So I decide to step it up and bring home a nice bouquet of a dozen long stemmed red roses. 
I made dinner reservations at 2 different restaraunts (in case she didn't like one we could go to the other) and got movie tickets to a romantic movie and also was prepared to foil all those plans in case she wanted to do something else for plan "C" .... but what did she choose?? Nothing!!!
I get home from work and she's totally avoiding me she just sits on the couch in front of the TV playing her damn cell phone game. hours go by and it's getting late. I finally just leave the house & go to dinner and a movie by myself. I'm going to at least go do something fun and take care of myself. I come home later that night.... she doesn't even question where I've been she's still sitting in front of the damn TV playing her damn cell phone game and falls a sleep on the couch while I go to bed alone. 

So my question is "am I over reacting"? are marriage anniversaries usually no big deal to most married couples? Do most women think anniversaries are dumb?

I even bought her $5k worth of new furniture she's always wanted as a little gift right before our anniversary.

So 2 days later and out of blue she says "I'm starving lets go get something to eat"
Of course I jumped at the chance to spend time w/her. We get to her favorite restaurant and there's an hour and a half wait. She says "wow we maybe should have planned ahead and got a reservation or something"... I decided to just bite my lip and say nothing about my previous reservations the night before. So after dinner we return home... she plops in front of the TV and whips out the cell phone game and decides to spend the night on the couch again. No kiss no hand shake no hug no nothing. She sleeps on the couch a lot recently... but just this once I was hoping for her to recognize my efforts and be turned on and impressed or reward me or something. I haven't had sex in 4 months. Is a little affection or action once in a while so much to ask in a husbands efforts to make his wife happy? I'm not abusive, I have no bad habits or addictions, we don't argue or fight.... what am I missing or doing wrong?

I feel absolutely lonely. I try so hard. I can't win. I get slammed w/rejection every single time. I'm starting to look at other women even though I don't want to. 

Should I just chill out and not let things like this bother me? Do most women like their man to try to make anniversaries special? or is it a turn off? or do wifes get disgusted with their husbands efforts and only think we're trying to get some?
I'm thinking of doing absolutely nothing for our next anniversary. But that might backfire also .... wtf am i supposed to do?
I'm 100% sure she's not having an affair.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

If you haven't had sex in four months don't you think this is more than just about the anniversary?

If you haven't done so yet, get her alone and talk to her. I did it in the car when we were about 30 minutes from the house so I had at least 30 minutes of her undivided attention.

Ask her what you have done to get treated this way. her first response will be "Nothing" so you are going to have to drag it out of her. Explain that you don't want to live this way and would like to go to marriage counseling.

if she doesn't want to go, go alone and let her know you are going. It will show you are serious about resolving this problem.

And explain that while you promised monogamy, you didn't promise celibacy.


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## AniversaryFight (Mar 7, 2011)

I agree with miketastic
You are Mr. Nice and turned to wussy, the boring man.

It is more that anniversary. There is much problem in your marriage that you think, The avoiding you, communication, sex (by the way I cant imagine not having sex with my wife for more than a week if we are both healthy and in a normal life state). I am having between 4 to 6 days per week and within those days a total of 5 to 10 times a week as for some days more than once and she initiates as much as I do! The reason am telling you about my sex life is that I am not a wussy!!! and so don't be! DO NOT be NICE, but be GOOD!

Firsr of all you both have problem. 

Starting with her:
She is not a good communicator!

You
You are not good communicator.
you are doing normal routine and predictable stuffs. Bunch of rosses, dinner, gifts. She feels like you are buying her to get sex and that is boring. I am not against dinner and rosses but do not do in all occassions, birthdays or all anniversaries. Do something different each time. Stop giving presents all the time.

During normal life conversation, pay attention to what she says she like, want to go or to do etc. Put it down on paper not infront of her and dont tell her you will do it for her either. But in your mind you will do it in some occassion or just a normal weekend. Not the following weekend but several weekends after...

Stop asking her. Lead her. Next time in some occassion do what she said she liked. Tell her to dress sexy as you are going to take her somewhere as a suprsise. No matter how much she convince you to tell her where you are taking her. do not tell! Suprise her!

Be a good lover. There is so much details on this. Learn to enjoy her body and concentrate in her. Do not be selfish. Lead her!

Now in order to go back to normal track. Stop doing what you are doing her. Stop ask for approaval and take care of yourself when she start coming to you then do what I have said. Do not whine and complain about sex just have a smile on your face and enjoy you hobbies. At the days when you are too horny mastabate before going to be so you can sleep good instead of having headache  (make sure she do not see you). When she notice your changes (taking care of yourself, hang out with your friends, hobbies) and not become a begging dude, and sees you happy...she will come back to you.

But be patience, to change form a wussy to become A MAN is not an easy process but when you become, you will enjoy for the rest of your life as it will be part of you. First you will have to act and after a period of time (even up to 2 yrs) and lots or errors and learning not to repeat it will be part of you and who you are. Lifetime wealthy!!!! 
Now do not be scare, I am not telling you that it will take up to 2 years to get back to track, no no no. It may take even a month. But to become fully ALPHA male it is a long process!


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## Neil (Jan 5, 2011)

get over to the men's clubhouse and read the sticky at the top and all the links within

"The Man Up and Nice Guy Reference"

May give you some insight


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## uncool (Dec 12, 2010)

AniversaryFight said:


> She is not a good communicator!
> *true*
> 
> You are not good communicator.
> ...


I do take care of myself. I don't whine. I spend all the time I can on hobbies. It doesnt change anything... but I appreciate your post... I'd try not to be so wussy


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Buy this book Amazon.com: No More Mr. Nice Guy! (9780762415335): Robert A. Glover: Books Read it from cover to cover, it was written by a Recovering Nice Guy -- you will learn in it's pages to change *YOUR behavior *to a more healthy behavior before her and in response to her non-repsonsiveness even. She may bulk at the changes at 1st, but this is NOT your concern, you do it anyway. This you seek -to catch her attention! 

Once you start reading, you will begin to see all that you have been doing wrong, even explaining the WHY's behind it - to gain her favor. Women often take these men for granted-if we can get away with it. I know this is terrible -but true. I even did it with my dear husband for a time. he was always too nice and not one to Be "selfish" with his own needs. This was a fault --NOT something good. 

It is obvious you can NOT change her, so you must change yourself >>> gain this confidence you need before her, to stand up to her - and your changing will inevitably cause a differenet REACTION in her , it will likely even BUILD more attraction. 

And if not, time to lay things on the table, as Chris Taylor was saying - "while you promised monogamy, you didn't promise celibacy". Let the chips fall where they may, you didn't sign up for a Sexless marragie (once every 4 months IS considered sexless). 

You are a man, and you have Needs. To act as though you do not -just to please her, to pacify her is only hurting you, building resentment within in, and killing any chance of happiness and connection. You deserve better, to be loved & desired by the woman you married.


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

She is completely emotionally cut off from you. Honestly, she sounds really disconnected and in a way that really worries me. Is she disconnected from the children...friends...other family? Does she work or do anything or is it just phone games and tv all the times? Has she been to the doctor lately, has she been checked out for depression or anxiety?

You don't fight or argue because she just doesn't even care anymore and you are a peacekeeper.

How many times have you communicated to her that a sexless marriage is unacceptable? What was her response?


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## uncool (Dec 12, 2010)

notaname said:


> Is she disconnected from the children...friends...other family?* nope just me*
> 
> Does she work or do anything or is it just phone games and tv all the times? *she does some work from the home but mostly just a stay at home mom*
> 
> ...


lllllllllll


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

The fact you never fight or argue is not a good thing. So many people say this , and I always think to myself either 1 of 2 things --- that has to be extremely boring or they are NOT communicating .

Everyone who shares their hearts & minds will disagree & see things differently- not every day but sometimes - if they are being who they are. We need to let our voices be heard , our needs expressed so we can grow in our connection with each other, share what binds us, talk about what separates us and be relentless to RESOLVE these things so we can live happily with each other. 

Being Conflict avoidant will do you no favors, that Nice Guy book will alert you to these things & discuss how to handle conflict in a healthy manner.


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