# Need some help...she said it's "just emails".



## RazorC (Aug 31, 2010)

Me and my wife of two years (been together for 7 years) hit a rough patch in March of this year. I've never had a reason to distrust her or even suspect her to be unfaithful, untill one day I came home and found her email. First I was going on thinking I was logged on to my account and then I saw it. Dating back from January a slew of emails back and forth from him and her.

Everything from graphic talk that'll make a porn star blush, to a few nude pics from both parties. When I confronted her she simply stated that they were mearly "emails" and had no desire for him or care for him at all, it didn't help matters since this wasn't a long distance email but with a married teacher at her local university.

Needless to say, I almost left, actually said I was, but after thinking it out I decided to take her word for it and try to live life based around her. There was no proof other then dirty talk through emails and she simply stated it was a fantasy world. Everything would be OK. Untill two weeks ago when more emails surfaced. Emails that said "tired of this affair" and "please leave me alone" from her and one from May from him thank her for their "wow" the day before. I confronted her again but with a diffrent demnor (I felt nothing! Simply gave up.). Again it was said it was all emails, and she tried to stop it several times but he was always emailing her.

Now everything is wishy washy, she just got a new job that makes her stay out past 9 pm everynight and I can't really take it thinking about what's going on. It pisses me off knowing this guy got away with everything and I kinda want to tell the university but I don't want to see his family hurt if he is the sole income of the household. (My wife told me he has 2 girls) In the end I don't know what to do about me and my home.


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

Don't let her fool you Razor. I "caught" my husband with texts b/t him and a girl and he said "it was just a friend who needed advice"..

Three years later it has only gotten worse (please see my threads for background if interested). 

She was obviously emailing him the stories and pics for attention. There is a disconnect somewhere in your relationship and you need to figure it out if you want to save your marriage. She's broken your trust and that is a very difficult thing to repair and regain.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I think you should send an email to the guy stating that if he has contact with your wife again, you will tell his wife and employer. And no contact includes telling her about this email.

If it gets back to her, you will know they are still at it.

And it will show the guy he didn't "get away with it".


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Razor; Do not kid yourself, fight for your marriage and your wife. Your wife is deceiving you big time.You are telling me she stepped away from this, what got bored. Possible but not likely.

Yes, tell the university. Yes tell his wife and do not believe your wife is innocent and not actively engaged in the emotional affair. The sob story about his kids is exactly that.. 

Assume your wife is still in the EA, she needs to be onboard and evidence to you that she is not.

How do you know what she is doing until 21:00 I am sure you can believe what she is telling you. NO YOU CANNOT

Please understand that the affair partners are tenacious and have the ability to deceive and lie to a level that will astound you. Do listen to her words however at this stage do not believe a word she says. 

If the EA is over without delay get her to write a robust no contact letter, you read and she sends. This is not a wishy washy letter it must be done immediately. If she declines or procrastinates you have your answer. Then let all her family and friends know she is in an EA.

Please do what is asked - you are not the first to come to this site and if you choose to ignore this advice you will not be the first to risk loosing your wife and marriage. 

If you progress past this point post and further advice will be given


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## Sadara (Jul 27, 2010)

If they are still communicating, they are still having at the very least an emotional affair. You need to find a way to contact his spouse and fill her in on what you know. I'm not sure that I would contact the university he works at, there may really be nothing that comes of it. If your wife works at this university too, you could cause your own spouse harm at work that you do not want to inflict .... or maybe you do.  but tread lightly here, tell his wife at least though.

Do not believe her. She is saying it's just emails, but do not believe her. Get the proof, if you need it, that the relationship is physcial, if it really is. But, at the very least she is emotionally involved. Women are emotional and if she is emailing with him like this, her emotions ARE involved with him. The affair has to stop for you to have any chance at rebuilding your marriage. She has to put it behind her and stop communicating with him. You can do your part, if you want, to end the affair that is happening. Emotional Affairs (EA) hurt just as much as Physical Affairs (PA).


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## RazorC (Aug 31, 2010)

Thanks for the help everyone. It really is tough on me, and I guess it boils down to me maning up and doing something about it rather then talk. Its had to imagine this is the place we're in since we've never fought and I always thought we have an amazing life together.

Extra tidbit...one of the last emails I did find was from her stating she's had enough and needs to be left alone. She did it in a way not to break his heart and was very concern for his well being. She is a student at the university.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

"She is a student at the university". - Don't care she is married and your wife and he is having an affair with her, out him as soon as.

Futhermore he is married, if he was so concerned for his family he would not be messing around.


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

I never thought I would go through it too. Be strong. Even if you lack physical evidence, she is emotionally detached from you. She has broken your trust. 

BTW Wisp is right, they will deceive and lie to levels that will shock you.


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## Sadara (Jul 27, 2010)

Well, that information changes my opinion... a LOT. He's a married professor at the university, she's a student. You should tell the university, even if she tried to break it off. I am quite sure the university wouldn't approve. The consequences that his family pays are his fault, not yours for outing him. You should out him. His behavior isn't acceptable. He should not be sleeping with his students... period!!


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Edited my post

Is your wife a student or an employee at the university?

If she's a student, alot of colleges/universities have clauses that prohibit student/professor relationships and both parties can get the boot if the affair was consensual. If she only worked there and is no longer employed then just inform the university that he's not leaving your wife alone.


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## Devastated1 (Dec 7, 2009)

Sadara said:


> Well, that information changes my opinion... a LOT. He's a married professor at the university, she's a student. You should tell the university, even if she tried to break it off. I am quite sure the university wouldn't approve. The consequences that his family pays are his fault, not yours for outing him. You should out him. His behavior isn't acceptable. He should not be sleeping with his students... period!!


I agree with this. Also, who's to say that he hasn't done this before or will do this again to another student. I'd print out all the e-mails and pictures, make three sets of copies, one for you to cover your back side, one for the University so they have proof, and one for his wife as she may not believe you. But that's just what I would do. Good luck with your decision.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

RazorC, 
Look the OM's behavior is unacceptable and you have to stop the affair that is going on between your wife and this man, exposure is the only way this happens. This means the University, his wife and his friends......an affair cannot happen if it's out in the open for all to see, not near as much fun.......I might try talking to him first to give him a chance to do the right thing, but I would tell him in no uncertain terms that if he doesn't quit emailing your wife and having an inappropriate relationship with her that you will make sure everyone knows what he is up to. I'm going to bet if you had a conversation with his wife he would stop what he is doing.........speak to your wife, tell her what your plan will be where the OM is concerned, tell her this is unexceptable to you and the marriage......She will be mad but you can survive it , not the OM being in her life, she has crossed the line and will understand if she wants to save her marriage.....
good luck


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## RazorC (Aug 31, 2010)

My wife is going to school for her masters and I'm afraid if I out him to the school she'll be kicked out also. All the money lost and wasted.

She is a student there and was once his studnet, but not anymore. This bloomed from "friends that would talk" to the monster it is now.

In March, I did send him a message via Facebook (he had they were on each other's lists) and he said he was sorry, loved his wife...etc. etc....but yet here it is August and we're at it again.


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## Devastated1 (Dec 7, 2009)

Sorry, but he's a lying sack of *blank*! Period. This needs to stop and the best way to do it is to go to his wife and university with proof. Otherwise you're a crazy jealous husband who has no idea what he's talking about. Also, I wouldn't tell your wife that you're doing this or even thinking about doing this simply because they will get together to plan their aliby "my husband is a crazy lunatic, don't believe a word he says, he's always been jealous blah, blah, blah." Liars will lie to whatever extent possible to cover their own butts. They can't lie when faced with black and white proof. Well, they could try but it will just make them look like idiots.

Good Luck.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

"My wife is going to school for her masters and I'm afraid if I out him to the school she'll be kicked out also. All the money lost and wasted"-- please stop looking for reasons not to out him. Your marriage is a lot more important.

This is a professional body and they will not want their name dragged through the mud. They will in all likelihood do nothing, as this is something that happens to a lot of students. 

For you it is a shot across their bows and his to let them both know you will not tolerate this. For your wife once you have done the deed and if she hears something its called consequences. 

Your own words “here it is August and we're at it again.” . 

Fight for your wife with every breath you have, sitting pondering and being a nice guy tells both of them what?


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Even if they are "just e-mails", they are still inappropriate for married people to be sending back and forth to people that they are not married to. It needs to stop.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Wisp, alot of colleges have a zero tolerance for student/teacher relationships. They will not look the other way if both adults were consenting. This isn't fairy tale land, this is America where people love to sue at a drop of a dime.

She will be kicked out if it's in the universities by-laws. She is now a potential threat of having another affair with another professor. Which in turns increases a chance of some huge litigation lawsuit against the university. There is no way they're gonna say, "ooohhhhh poooooorrr young lady was seduced by the jerk professor." This was a consenting affair on both ends.

If the professor black-mailed her or offered her better grades for certain favors then yes he's SoL and she's the victim. In this case I highly doubt that was the case.

Check with your wife's university regarding their policies on student/teach relationships. Once you find out you can move on with outing the professor or not at that point. That's between you and your wife. Because that's both of your futures not ours. It's easy to say, just tell the university and what ever happens, happens because it doesn't affect our lives.

Razor, you could probably at this time just use the threat of going to the local authorities to report harassment if he doesn't stop all contact with your wife. Since she has already told him to leave her alone it is harassment at this time.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Usually I'm against "outing" the other person, as I'm not sure it addresses the issues in your marriage.

But in this case, he is in a power position, and is potentially using that to his advantage. Maybe your wife fell all over him - or maybe he does this to every pretty girl who passes through his class.

Send some of the e-mails to the school's HR department and ask for their opinion. In other words - OUT HIM.

If he's clean and this is his first "problem", then maybe he'll survive. If this is the third or fourth complaint, maybe your e-mail will be the one to get the slimebag fired.

He created the mess. Let him figure out how to clean it up.


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## Sadara (Jul 27, 2010)

I understand the Original Posters concerns about his wife getting kicked out of grad school. Not only could that adversely affect her, but in turn could affect him badly too. But, he still has to find a route to force the contact between the two of them to stop. If she tried to end it with the OM and he's not listening, that IS a huge problem. I have no other ideas for you cheatinghubby, but work with your wife to find a solution. She may not be receptive of it at first, but deep down she will be grateful that you want to help her. And approach her in a way that makes her feel like you are trying to help her, not put her on the defensive. Between the two of you, maybe you can come up with a solution that will work in your situation.


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