# craigslist and escorts for over a year. Kill me.



## jennatorturor (Aug 20, 2016)

Hello all,
I was engaged and still with a man who spent our entire first year (until I caught him) sleeping with hookers he met on craigslist and other escort sites. Mind you these were cheap 50 dollar crackhead do it in the car types. I'm 44, attractive and was head over heels in love. He would literally search his hooker ads while he talked to me on the phone, then hang up with me and call them. He would text me while he was driving to his next pump and dump site.

I can make little jokes now, its been 4 months, but I was devastated. I lost 18 lbs I couldn't afford to lose in a month. I slept 2-3 hours a day and almost lost my job. I have two young boys on top of that, and luckily that forced me to get my poop in a group. I trusted this man completely and it was lie after lie. On top of that, hes a lawyer, lol.
I'm still a mess. I have so much info that I filled 6 notebooks.
God help me.......


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

These crazy people can hide their craziness for only so long.
Sorry you were subjected to this.
At least you're free to find a better man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

At least you found out before you married him. Kick the creep to the curb and get back out there. You're going to be fine.


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

jennatorturor said:


> Hello all,
> *I was engaged and still with a man* who spent our entire first year (until I caught him) sleeping with hookers he met on craigslist and other escort sites. Mind you these were cheap 50 dollar crackhead do it in the car types. I'm 44, attractive and was head over heels in love. He would literally search his hooker ads while he talked to me on the phone, then hang up with me and call them. He would text me while he was driving to his next pump and dump site.
> 
> I can make little jokes now, its been 4 months, but I was devastated. I lost 18 lbs I couldn't afford to lose in a month. I slept 2-3 hours a day and almost lost my job. I have two young boys on top of that, and luckily that forced me to get my poop in a group. I trusted this man completely and it was lie after lie. On top of that, hes a lawyer, lol.
> ...


Are you still with him, OP?


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

I hope you blocked his number from your phone and facebook. He needs to stay gone.


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## dash74 (Jan 3, 2015)

Get checked out by a Dr please


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## jennatorturor (Aug 20, 2016)

I am actually still with him.
His line was he was a sex addict. Went to counseling. Hes still lying.
Don't know how to stop loving someone
ps-
I know, I know


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

jennatorturor said:


> I am actually still with him.
> His line was he was a sex addict. Went to counseling. Hes still lying.
> Don't know how to stop loving someone
> ps-
> I know, I know


The way to stop loving someone is to not be around them long enough to get your head straight where you can see the forest through the trees.

If it's really all so wonderful and he's truly the one, your relationship will survive a 12 month separation...

Good luck.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

jennatorturor said:


> I am actually still with him.
> His line was he was a sex addict. Went to counseling. Hes still lying.
> Don't know how to stop loving someone
> ps-
> I know, I know


When you start loving and respecting yourself, you'll leave him. And not a moment sooner. That's the real problem, actually. He's who he is, but the fact that you want to stay with him and he is putting you at great risk physically and emotionally, it speaks to how you view yourself. I'd let this guy go...block him, so you can heal. Prayers and hugs.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jennatorturor said:


> I am actually still with him.
> His line was he was a sex addict. Went to counseling. Hes still lying.
> Don't know how to stop loving someone
> ps-
> I know, I know


"Went to couseling"? Past tense? 

It takes years of counseling to deal with a sexual addiction. He's not done the work. So of course he's not going to stop.

As someone said, the way to get over loving someone is get away from them. After a while you will stop loving them.

Plus... I rather doubt the person he really is is the person you love. You love the idea of who you thought he was. Clearly that person does not exist. So what/who exactly are you loving now? A concept of the perfect guy you thought he was.


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## jennatorturor (Aug 20, 2016)

oh I did, full std screening


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

jennatorturor said:


> I am actually still with him.
> His line was he was a sex addict. Went to counseling. Hes still lying.
> Don't know how to stop loving someone
> ps-
> I know, I know


:slap: :slap: :slap:

From here on out, you deserve whatever you get.

JFC...

(Be sure to get yourself tested every 90 days!)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jennatorturor (Aug 20, 2016)

I think youre right elegirl


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

Why does this guy want a relationship?

He is a lawyer, so I'll assume he's financially sound; doesn't need a partner to help out with life expenses.

You're 44, so it's unlikely he (or you), want to start a family.

You've already got 2 kids.......a lot of guys (especially from what I hear on TAM), are reluctant to get serious with single moms.

He doesn't seem to get his main form of sexual gratification from you......


So why is he even bothering with a relationship with a regular (non-prostitute) woman?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Tell him if he wants to help fallen women that he should do so via a registered charity and NOT via his pen*s. 

By the way, what example are you setting your children by not dumping Mr Humpem Esq?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

jennatorturor said:


> I can make little jokes now, its been 4 months, but I was devastated. I lost 18 lbs I couldn't afford to lose in a month. I slept 2-3 hours a day and almost lost my job. I have two young boys on top of that, and luckily that forced me to get my poop in a group. I trusted this man completely and it was lie after lie. On top of that, hes a lawyer, lol.


A profession liar from a profession with no sense of right/wrong or justice, only "success". If he's any good at his job he's an expert at fooling juries and clients too, if that's any consolation.

Sorry to hear that you good caught by such a useless bag of meat, but you're so lucky to have got out when you did. Well done for ending it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

spotthedeaddog said:


> A profession liar from a profession with no sense of right/wrong or justice, only "success". If he's any good at his job he's an expert at fooling juries and clients too, if that's any consolation.
> 
> Sorry to hear that you good caught by such a useless bag of meat, but you're so lucky to have got out when you did. Well done for ending it.


She is still with him 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> She is still with him


as I was saying.....

I suppose lawyer money makes up for everything.
Hope she realises when it goes to any separation it's going to cost her a fortune and he'll have all the trump cards and cost him pretty much nothing.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

First off, I'm not sure this is a real post, seems fishy.

Assuming it is real...gross OP!! Listen to yourself!!!

What exactly would it take for you to break up with a man?
Cheating on you with hookers isn't enough?
Yeah...read that again...you won't even break up with a man who is cheating on you with hookers. Do you have zero standards for yourself?

Love, schmove. This is pure lunacy. Wake up!


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Jenna,

I am assuming you are with him because of financial reason, because let's be honest there is not enough love int this world to put up with that crap, so if your still with him after possibly endangering your life, a mother of two children it has to be that he is very comfortable, and you are looking to have a comfortable life for you and your kids, and in the back of your mind your willing to settle for this than take your chances out there again. you must know that he will not stop if anything he does not have to lie anymore about it too you and he has a crotch (addict). Sadly, you have obviously become complacent with this otherwise he would have been out of your life seeing as your not married. You have no more cards in your hands to play, you have shown your hands to him, you folded, because your still with him, and he gets to keep the kitty or in his case kitties.


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## dash74 (Jan 3, 2015)

jennatorturor said:


> oh I did, full std screening



Don't forget a pap with a hpv screening that's one that can bite you well on down the road 


HPV was how my mom found out her 3rd husband was was cheating and slipping her the dirty d yak


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## thebirdman (Apr 5, 2014)

dash74 said:


> Get checked out by a Dr please




Do this like yesterday if you haven't already. Your STBX is a 5th degree slime bucket who's man parts are probably going to fall off at some point. You don't need this in your life. 

This is a logical decision. You start by saying "buh bye" and then you don't ever speak to him again. The feelings will follow shortly.


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## Good Guy (Apr 26, 2016)

Why is he with you? If you were married with kids it would make sense maybe in a sick way, but I don't see why he's with you. I think he has bigger problems than a sex addiction. 
If this is real then you need to dump his ass.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

jennatorturor said:


> Don't know how to stop loving someone


You don't have to stop loving him, but you do need to learn to love yourself enough not to be abused. Yes, he is abusing you. Whatever the root reason is for his behavior, he is harming you greatly. You have no duty whatsoever to stay with him while he works through (or pretends to work through) whatever issues he has.

He probably does have some good qualities, and obviously you feel good in some way with him in your life. Breaking from him completely is what you have to do, but you don't have to hate everything about him to do that. You just have to realize that the negative stuff is so bad that you cannot continue in a relationship with him, regardless of what all the good stuff is.

Imagine he brings you AIDS. And he is at high risk of contracting it with his lifestyle, so you are at a very real risk of contracting it. So imagine how life for your 2 children would be when you get AIDS. Just the possibility of that should be enough to cancel out anything and everything good about this guy.

I think you should pursue some counseling of your own to understand how and why you are willing to put up with someone treating you this badly.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jennatorturor,

Have you done any reading on sexual addiction. A very good book on the topic is 

"Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction" by Patrick Carnes, Ph.D.

It's all about getting the next fix, just like any other addiction. The chemical part of it is the release and uptake of dopamine and other feel-good chemicals in the brain. It has similar affects as a cocaine addiction. The thing about sexual addiction, like many addiction, to keep up the level of chemicals in the brain it requires escalation. By that I mean that to get the same high, he needs to keep doing riskier and riskier behaviors.

If you are going to stay with this guy, he needs to be working with a psychiatrist. You need to be involved. You will have to monitor him. It's a project. Are you ready for a life-long project? I say life-long because as soon as you let down your vigilance, he will most likely slip back.

And this 'good news' only applies if he's actually willing to work on his sexual addiction. If he's not, just plan a repeat (and worse) of that last year for every year you are with him.

What do you two have in place right now to monitor him? How do you know he's not doing all that right now?


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Jenna,

Gather all the evidence that you have, go quiet, find all his contacts and then expose him to high heaven. Professionally , at his place of worship, to his adult children etc. Don't warn or threaten do it suddenly and completely. Get a PI to gather photos. 

If you know where he meets these women have the cops bust him.

It's revolting that this man would put your Health at risk knowing you have children who need you.

Sorry to hear this happened to you his cynical use of the addict defense is almost as disgusting as the indiect abouse of you
Tamar children.t


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

He spent your first year together with cheap, drug taking prostitutes & you make jokes about it now? 
Will it be funny when you eventually get HIV from him? 
You have already lost your job, what next? 

Get some counseling for self esteem & confidence. 
He's probably got those dark triad traits of charm & is extremely manipulating. 

You need to be strong for your health & your children. 

This guy more than likely a sociopath or something.
I don't see things improving for you if you stay with him. 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

jennatorturor said:


> oh I did, full std screening


Do it again in 6 months. 

So did you cancel the engagement? You said "was engaged". 

Are you still sleeping with him?


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## jennatorturor (Aug 20, 2016)

Hi Everyone,
I guess I should have added more background. I don't sleep much anymore and I get online at 1 am wondering wtf happened to my life. Then I ramble.
First I think I need to clarify that I am a single mom, I work in science and make crap money, and I wont accept a dime from him. I always felt the need to remain financially autonomous just in case the ****e hit the fan. And it has. So if anyone thinks money is the issue, its not. Sadly the escalation of his addiction has badly damaged his practice and his finances are a hot mess. This being said......

This is not a justification of his actions, or mine, but I am trying to understand. ELEGIRL, I have read the crackpot Patrick Carnes book, and many others. I say crackpot because Dr. Carnes is a former sex addict himself. If you read his works he tends to be all kindness to the addict and harsh to the betrayed. I wonder why. That book did more damage than good and Dr. Carnes is all for staying with a sex addict because its not the poor addicts fault, and you should be supportive etc. His books are the most often advised reading in this situation. After more reading and research I decided that his skewed and biased "science" was better off at Goodwill. Anyway, I digress.

So I meet this man. He is short, only 5'6", elegant and smart. His social skills are "off" but he is charming. He pursues me, I give him a million reasons why it wont work. He has a million and one reasons it will. So he is courting me via phone and e-mail and occasional meetings as I am busy with work and kids etc. We talk about everything- FF, I end up falling for him hard. He talks about marriage and this and that. I fall harder. I am still keeping him at an arms length but I am softening.
I had asked him if he was married. He had said no.
oops, to be continued, kidus interuptus lol.


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## jennatorturor (Aug 20, 2016)

OK
Long story short, after much wooing and finally some kissing I begin to notice that something is off. I ask him point blank if he is in a relationship. He says he lives with someone but they are not together. I tell him that I had told him I don't see people who are not single. Its a deal breaker for me. I tell him Im upset and I need to hang up and we can discuss it when I take a step back and regroup.
I regroup.
I'm legally deaf so I text him. Most of our "phone" conversations are through text. 
I tell him he knew I wouldn't get involved with some already involved.
We had promised to be totally honest.
I asked him why he lied and what was going on.
He said he was living with a woman he had been with for 17 years (I'm inwardly freaking). He says she was an alchoholic, occasionally violent, and he didn't know how to get rid of her. He had supported her for the entire relationship, paid her child support and dealt with her drunken violent rages.
Now that hes lied I doubt most of what hes saying.(I find out later that he is telling the truth, his mom didn't know half of the story but verified she was an alchaholic and a bit nutty)
So this woman had spent a year representing herself as something she wasn't, made up a past and a personality (she was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder) and then spent the next sixteen years destroying him in any and every way possible. He kept clinging to the person he thought she was and slowly realized the truth. Then he was overwhelmed and just trudged along.
He stayed faithful for 12 years and finally after being depressed and lonely for a long time started watching porn, then going to strip clubs, then hiring escorts. He told me everything, and after a week of talking he convinced me that it was over and it had been over. It was just a matter of getting her out of the house.

It was emotional and was full of details and I was shown a lot of proof and I chose to believe him.

He promised he would never lie to me again.

He made a lot of effort to get her to leave. He would go home and have me on the phone so I could hear what was going on as best I could. She was usually ranting so I generally got the idea. She said she wouldn't leave, she was never leaving (his secretary confirmed what he said when he told me he slept in his office about half the nights he worked there, which was 12 years).

Again, long story short, he finally had to serve her with an eviction notice. I saw it, and the order of service.


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## jennatorturor (Aug 20, 2016)

Sorry this is so long.

So she leaves, goes to live with her parents.
Everything has been great. She pretty much emptied the house while he was gone, and that upsets him. He agrees to pay 4,000 dollars to make her car (that he bought her) like new and pay her bills for 6 months, but she is gone.

I slowly start integrating him into my life. I bring a few things to his place and he eventually comes to mine and meets my boys (ages 4 and 7 at the time). They like him.

I'm very happy. We are great together and every one says they are jealous of us. 
The sex is mind blowing, and while his ex is still trouble here and there, I am incredibly happy, and have that strange sense of peace you get when you feel like youre where you belong? I'm sure you've all felt that. Even with the WS.

We have a life. We went to a swingers club and while we stayed together, had sex in a "couples room" with dozens of other people. Had a blast. Did it one more time a few months later. Had enough . We cook dinner together every night my boys are at my ex's. We talk, we drink a glass of wine with dinner (he constantly mentioned that another drunk would be a deal breaker and I laughed a said I understood that.

Fast forward....

We are talking about this and that while I am sitting with my boys and they are watching a movie. Somehow this website :The Erotic Review comes up. I get sick to my stomach even typing it. He said it was an amazing site just from a technological point of view. blah blah, hookers, I'm only half listening. He says I should check it out. I hang up and look.
I text him and say I need a user name and password.
He says use mine...........


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"He said he was living with a woman he had been with for 17 years (I'm inwardly freaking). He says she was an alchoholic, occasionally violent, and he didn't know how to get rid of her. He had supported her for the entire relationship, paid her child support and dealt with her drunken violent rages."

Who would have thought that a lawyer couldn't get a drunken violent person out of his own home? Must be one sh!t lawyer.

She might have turned into a drunken, violent person when she discovered he was banging dirty wh0res and anyone else who is stupid enough to believe his yarns.

You have two young children who you really do not need to be exposing to this type of nonsense. Cut him out of your life pronto.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

When does school start?


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## jennatorturor (Aug 20, 2016)

Sorry this is so long.

So she leaves, goes to live with her parents.
Everything has been great. She pretty much emptied the house while he was gone, and that upsets him. He agrees to pay 4,000 dollars to make her car (that he bought her) like new and pay her bills for 6 months, but she is gone.

I slowly start integrating him into my life. I bring a few things to his place and he eventually comes to mine and meets my boys (ages 4 and 7 at the time). They like him.

I'm very happy. We are great together and every one says they are jealous of us. 
The sex is mind blowing, and while his ex is still trouble here and there, I am incredibly happy, and have that strange sense of peace you get when you feel like youre where you belong? I'm sure you've all felt that. Even with the WS.

We have a life. We went to a swingers club and while we stayed together, had sex in a "couples room" with dozens of other people. Had a blast. Did it one more time a few months later. Had enough . We cook dinner together every night my boys are at my ex's. We talk, we drink a glass of wine with dinner (he constantly mentioned that another drunk would be a deal breaker and I laughed a said I understood that.

Fast forward....

We are talking about this and that while I am sitting with my boys and they are watching a movie. Somehow this website :The Erotic Review comes up. I get sick to my stomach even typing it. He said it was an amazing site just from a technological point of view. blah blah, hookers, I'm only half listening. He says I should check it out. I hang up and look.
I text him and say I need a user name and password.
He says use mine...........


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## jennatorturor (Aug 20, 2016)

I see hundred of prostitutes, detailed reviews and "resumes" . Reviews written by the losers who use their "services". Lurid and graphic and detailed. I'm getting numb. Theres a whole section dedicated hiding your cheating. They have forum threads dedicated to it.
Theres an in site mail server.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

jenna, aside from his sexual addiction, are you not concern for your own health. and i sorry i was off base before about where you are coming from, but i am concern fro your health both mentally and physically. you can't continue with this lack of sleep.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jennatorturor said:


> This is not a justification of his actions, or mine, but I am trying to understand. ELEGIRL, I have read the crackpot Patrick Carnes book, and many others. I say crackpot because Dr. Carnes is a former sex addict himself. If you read his works he tends to be all kindness to the addict and harsh to the betrayed. I wonder why. That book did more damage than good and Dr. Carnes is all for staying with a sex addict because its not the poor addicts fault, and you should be supportive etc. His books are the most often advised reading in this situation. After more reading and research I decided that his skewed and biased "science" was better off at Goodwill. Anyway, I digress.


I read the book years ago. Don't recall him being "all kindness" to sex addicts.

The reason that I suggested the book is that I seems that you want to stay with this guy. You are after all still with him. The book is for people who are staying with a sex addict and who are working with them to beat the addiction.

If you stay with him, with your current attitude, you will become bitter like his ex. Gee I wonder how she got that way? I would not believe his story about him being faithful for years and he only stated with activity with the prostitutes when he met you. That's just nonsense.

Have you actually spoken to her? Not sure she'll want to speak to you the way things went down, but it would be interesting.

You either need to take the point of view of that book and see if the two of you can work together to end/control his sexual addiction, or you need to leave him. Anything else is nothing more than self destruction.


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## jennatorturor (Aug 20, 2016)

Its all his emails to and from his hookers from 2012- 2014.
He's polite. He tells them he wants stockings and heels. He gives them his cell number and they settle on a price etc. etc.
I see the email address is gmail. He had told me he used the same password for all his side stuff.
You can imagine what I saw.
I was receiving text from him this whole time and I ignored them.

(So sorry I haven't had anyone to talk to about his and I'm spilling my guts here!)

I look at the hookers websites. I was shocked. They weren't pretty. I started downloading photos and sending them to him with snide remarks like "I see you ****ed my mom". He kept reminding me to look at the dates. They were before me.

I was so mad, so up set, but I told myself he did this to his ex and not me. But that didn't make me feel better.

I looked at his gmail. This account was dedicated to his porn life. He had sex in his office with really gross women he found on craigslist. 

Now I see they were not all before me. There were a lot after me. I had put the boys to bed and NOW I'm crying, and ignoring his texts.

I download all our text messages and start comparing times and dates.
Hes texting while he is talking to his hook ups. He loves me, hes tired, and I would go to be happy and he would go to bed with a 100 dollar skank from nearby skanktown.

I'm ready to leave, but I want answers. I saw someone mention their "morbid curiosity". I can relate.

So I tell him its too much. He denies. I send him proof. He denies. I tell him I want access to EVERYTHING. I get it.
e-mail, phone records, bank account etc.

The phone and google history nearly kill me. I count what appears to be 11 hookers banged and 100's of calls and emails and at least 6 hours a day dedicated to his ****.
I also see that after his ex left he stopped calling and e-mailing *****s, that's when it became just an internet obsession.

I know this is pathetic. 
Has anyone else gone through this?
He still wont give me any info though he admitted to doing it. He says he was broken, and he doesn't understand why he didn't stop. He says I should move on. 
The fact that he stopped the actual sex when I became the "only woman" gives me hope. The fact that he had sex with two hookers the week before he kicked her out is making me sick. He says he was getting pressure from her and me and that he went back to his old "self medication".
But during that time period he only stopped for one month out of 8. Looking and living with him I still cant believe it. It doesn't seem real.
Worse I don't understand. We were happy, and I gave him every opportunity to tell me the truth. For the next year there was nothing. 
He gave me every thing I asked for, went to therapy like I asked, but he wont answer any questions.
I searched obsessively. Read books, had him read books.........
I know what you all think, but I NEED to know why.
Thanks for listening.


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## jennatorturor (Aug 20, 2016)

I actually did speak to his ex. She contacted me.


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## jennatorturor (Aug 20, 2016)

Xenote said:


> jenna, aside from his sexual addiction, are you not concern for your own health. and i sorry i was off base before about where you are coming from, but i am concern fro your health both mentally and physically. you can't continue with this lack of sleep.


Yes, thank you.
I take L- tryptophane a few nights a week so I can get 6 hours. I did "normalize" a bit after a month, but I find it hard to sleep and I don't eat much. I beat myself up for missing the warning signs. He is actually a good person. This crazy sex crap is like a warped second person. I cant merge them.
I WAS tested for everything under the sun and I plan on being tested again at the 6 month mark. I am that idiot that everyone says is "such a nice person". I also am very naïve. Obviously. Most of you are further down the road thAN I am. I have removed all my things from his house, and I have told myself that there is a good chance he cant stop. I have his work and phone and laptop monitored. I can see his location at all times. He just says he cant deal with what he did and cant stand to discuss it. He has kept his word in as much as quitting all the sex sites etc. He may have the burner phone you talk about but I don't think so. His secretary keeps me posted and I see that he is more productive at work as he is actually working lol.
Im 44 and hes 61 btw.


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## jennatorturor (Aug 20, 2016)

I have access to his work and personal accounts to, as well as his cc statements. If he spends a dime I know it.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

. . . . . and then what happened?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Please stop beating yourself up, self-blaming is not the answer, you can't fix what you don't own...you don't own his problem he does, it is not your job to fix him you already you hands full raising two kids, and a career of your own, focus on yourself and on your children, if he is indeed worthy (and i have my huge doubt to say it lightly ) then let him step and be a man instead of the immaturity of a child.


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## jennatorturor (Aug 20, 2016)

Oh Lord,
When I realize I wont get any info I start the now infamous spread sheet.
Its basically his phone bill pasted into excel (handy because of the date and time) and all his ***** highlighted in their own individual color. Not making this up. That way its easy to see how often he called each individual *****. (its embarrassing but obsessing over the spreadsheet distracted me from the content and made it bearable). I then pasted his craiglist emails and some fun gut wrenching highlights into the appropriate time frame and included all the sweet things he was texting me while he was doing it. Such as him asking me if I was ready to be loved and respected for the rest of my life while he was also watching hot british *****s get dp'd on his computer AND searching for the hooker he would bang that night.
I often thought he had to have made his ex crazy, but people would volunteer info about her that confirms his story. She also texted me at length and when I checked her facts (she said she did work, somewhere near their home, but a phone call confirmed she was lying) She actually lied more than him. Before I let him meet my boys I did a background check on both of them.
He had a parking ticket. She had 3 DUI's, resisting arrest, passing bad checks and fraud.

She also was a member of 3 dating sites. She said she knew about the escorts, which was true, she just didn't care as long as she could stay home and drink all day. Funny thing, he was starting to go bald. He had a large bald spot on the back of his head. 5 months after she left his hair was growing back. He had no idea, lol. I told him that was where she dripped the poison . Today, the bald spot is gone. He isn't using rogaine or anything. He seems to have lost his hair from stress and when the stress was gone the hair grew back.
Im surprised Im not bald, haha.
See how Im all over the place?
I just don't believe in hasty decisions. This is so very bad though.
So I compiled my massive spreadsheet and when I was done he refused to look at it. He convinced me it would "trigger" bad behavior. I deleted it, he texted 2 minutes later and said he was sorry and he would look at it. Took me two weeks to recompile. I was so upset after that that I deleted the google account so I wouldn't be able to look at it.
He finally sat while I basically went over it and he said he didn't remember. This made me think he cant be honest and I became upset.
I was making myself a basket case so I dropped it. Since then I have been working on all the things Ive neglected. Healed a little, but every time I start to relax I get upset, because I feel like if I relax then the next bomb will drop.

Yes Im an idiot. But he DID stop. He had no idea that over a year later I would be pouring over his private info. He voluntarily gave me what I asked to have access to and more.
Very confused.


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## thebirdman (Apr 5, 2014)

Honey, you're telling us as much about you as you are about him here. I'm starting to lose count of the number of times you have called yourself an "idiot." Do you really believe that? If so, why?

It's good that you don't believe in hasty decisions but I would would be concerned that you don't know how to evaluate or act on the significance of the information you've received. 

Imagine your house burned to the ground. Would you be having a debate about whether or not you should find another place to live? Would you say, "No, I like this house. I think I'll stay here. Maybe I can make myself comfortable in that ash pile over there." 

You want to know why we all think what we think? It's because this cannot be made good! Your man has some pretty serious personal demons of his own to deal with. That's not a reflection on you. He made his choices. Time for you to make yours. You cannot fix this. You want to be happy? You want to have a good life? You want to stop having to worry about what else you are going to find out? 
You're going to have to make the hard choice to wash your hands of that whole situation. It's hard, I know. What's harder is not doing what needs to be done and continually paying the consequences for it, which you will. 



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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

With all this hard work you put into it, or you just trying to prove that he's a good man? Because it seems to me that that's what you're doing.

OK, let's pretend he's a good man. Why would a good man do this? He might do it if he has loose boundaries, a weak personality, an ability and desire to lie a lot, and various other random bad traits.

Is he still a good man? I don't think you necessarily need to know my opinion but let's assume you still think he's a good man.

Can you live with this good man? If this is as good as it gets? Because of his age, I doubt his personality traits are going to improve. I believe they're just going to get worse as he gets older and realizes he's losing more and more of the things in life he wanted to pursue. I would call it a midlife crisis, but I think his midlife crisis was probably deferred because of the alcoholic roommate.

So even if you can attempt to justify this is a good man with several terrible traits and also excuse the rest as being associated with a midlife crisis, would you get?

I don't know what's left, but it's not something I would expose my children to.

So if you really want to believe all of that, I would tell him that you want to go no contact for six months and see if there's something there. If, for some reason, there is something than he will have had time to think about himself and fix his problems, and you will understand what you see in him


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

Infidelity is the least of your problem.

Please tell me you are giving up custody of your children to the ex. The problem is not the guy, it is you. Unless you can clean up your act and start acting like a mom you have no business raising children.

Until you can isolate yourself from these dangerous people (you have no idea what these people are capable of) your children should stay away from you.


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## Yosemite (Aug 23, 2016)

You sound very lost and confused. You need to seek counseling or at the very least guidance from someone you know and trust, and I'm not talking about lawyer dude.


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## jennatorturor (Aug 20, 2016)

Infidelity is the least of your problem.

Please tell me you are giving up custody of your children to the ex. The problem is not the guy, it is you. Unless you can clean up your act and start acting like a mom you have no business raising children.

Until you can isolate yourself from these dangerous people (you have no idea what these people are capable of) your children should stay away from you. 


You are messed up


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