# Have you been the cheater? Interested ---



## SoCalMark (Dec 31, 2010)

Hello everyone.... In these forums I seem to always read about the victims of destructive marriages and that the other spouse is usually is to blame for being unfaithful. This always strikes me as quite interesting.

I was the adulterer in my first marriage. I found my first wife quite nice and accommodating, loving and supportive but I had fallen in love with someone else. The someone else (now my second wife) had trouble with her first husband having an affair. My wife now is ten times the woman that I both needed and wanted in the first place and my first wife has moved-on but not without constant retribution though the years. Even though I must have apologized a million times in the last 14 years, the hurt still is there from a promise not kept.

How many of you were the “cheater” because I want to warn those of you who are thinking of doing this. BE PREPARED! Be prepared to constantly lie, sneak around and feel like a criminal on the run. It is the worse year of my life and I wish to never ever do it again. Unless you are absolutely sure that you are going to leave your spouse and that your co-conspirator is absolutely committed to you... walk away early in the game. The agony of cheating plays with your mind and your soul.

If you have kids, it will make the pain all the more worse. I also want to advise that I also don’t recommend staying with a spouse that does not share the same dreams, aspirations and romance desires that you have — that is a miserable existence!

Thoughts are invited and encouraged.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

so you are saying there were absolutely no problems in your marriage and you still left your first wife? Or did I misunderstand this post?

Also how secure does your second wife feel now that she knows you are capable of cheating?


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

You describe 1 type of cheating there are many more. The people that engage in your type often end in divorce.....a guy we'll call hime "chris" does the no strings attached hit it and quit it type of affair. It's all a game, it's all for fun, after he scores a few times he is gone.

Not saying one is better or worse it's harder to get caught on the latter.


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## SoCalMark (Dec 31, 2010)

notreadytoquit said:


> so you are saying there were absolutely no problems in your marriage and you still left your first wife? Or did I misunderstand this post??


--- That is correct. There were no problems but we both knew we didn't marry for love, we were married out of friendship



notreadytoquit said:


> Also how secure does your second wife feel now that she knows you are capable of cheating?


--- I once had a professor in a college sex-ed class say that given the right circumstances and sexual invite, 78% of all men would have a sexual encounter with another woman if they knew for certain they could get away with it. I would have to agree with that figure. We are all "capable" - as you put it - of having an affair but mine was not for sex (there was nothing wrong with that) but for absolute love.


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## Tiredspouse0297 (Dec 9, 2010)

I'm the cheater in my relationship. My marriage has had many problems but, like you, I'm cheating with someone that I love. We dated before I met my husband but the timing was wrong. No one else would have tempted me, even though I was very unhappy. The worst part is I don't feel much guilt, if any. Neither does he. I think because we are in such unhappy relationships to begin with. Finances and the bad economy, along with the stability of my children, keep me here. They are my kids from my first marriage. No, I never cheated on my ex-husband. People can say what they want but in the perfect storm everyone is capable.


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## Fallon (Dec 23, 2010)

Tiredspouse - I don't understand your current scenario. Are you both currently married to different people, or are you currently not married? Just out of curiousity.

I would love to believe in true love, that something like that exists and there is the possibility of finding it. When my husband confessed his affair, he accused me of marrying him just so that I could leave my parent's house. Honestly, this wasn't the reason, but it is true that I would have stayed there had we not married, so I carry an element of guilt from that (which I am sure was his intention). When I eventually confided in a friend about what happened, I said to her that I felt that I could never trust another man again, and that me staying was a case of "rather the devil you know, than the devil you don't".


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## Mrs. In Love..But (Jan 11, 2011)

@SoCalMark

I am glad to see someone honest about cheating speak about it. Many of the posters on this forum are not talking from real experience. Only what they "may" do if confronted with the issue. I would have never thought in a million years, I would cheat on my husband. My reason.....no sex over 8months. We have talked about it and he said he would change. First it was stress, then it was work and then he said we had grown so far apart that he was afraid to touch me. Sad thing, we have only been married for 2 years (im 32, his 41). We finally had sex yesterday, and it was horrible. I couldn't concentrate and enjoy myself. I still do have feelings for him, but now that I have started this affair my emotions are torn. I'm trying hard to keep my mind and energy focused on marriage and not the other OM.

I really have no one to talk to because no one would be sympthatic to me. It's like cheaters don't have feelings or something.


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## remmons (Dec 20, 2010)

I was the adulterer in my first marriage also. My ex wife and I have reconciled and moved on with our lives. We are now good friends. Our kids understand why that their mom and I cannot be together, but they see that their mom and dad can, and do get along, and that we both are always there for them. I have made my amends. I have since improved my way of life to become a better me.


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## SoCalMark (Dec 31, 2010)

This is why I wanted to start this thread because when you talk to the "EX" wife or husband it always seems to be the other persons 'fault' --- I loathe that word becuase cheaters don't cheat because they were out LOOKING for that affair. We cheat because the atmosphere, love and compassion is missing in our own marriage. Yes, it might be our fault but if you find another happiness from it... so what. People always want to say "...well you have kids, you should stay together.." Why? So they can see how miserable you are too? I like giving my kids something to smile about and teach them about healthy loving relationships. Guess what -- kids survive and grow-up to be pretty passionate adults on their own. I always get pissed at people like Dr. Phil and Dr. Laura -- screw your judgement. It's not like I am a crack-head.


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## NotJustMe (Jun 24, 2010)

SoCalMark said:


> This is why I wanted to start this thread because when you talk to the "EX" wife or husband it always seems to be the other persons 'fault' --- I loathe that word becuase cheaters don't cheat because they were out LOOKING for that affair. We cheat because the atmosphere, love and compassion is missing in our own marriage. Yes, it might be our fault but if you find another happiness from it... so what. People always want to say "...well you have kids, you should stay together.." Why? So they can see how miserable you are too? I like giving my kids something to smile about and teach them about healthy loving relationships. Guess what -- kids survive and grow-up to be pretty passionate adults on their own. I always get pissed at people like Dr. Phil and Dr. Laura -- screw your judgement. It's not like I am a crack-head.



I do not at all support the theory that no couple with children should ever get divorced, but face it, the vast majority of the time that people divorce it has nothing to do with the relationship being beyond hope of repair...it is just that giving up and getting divorced is so much easier (particularly in today's society) than sticking around and working things out.

Also, I'm not saying that cheaters do not have feelings, but I will say that they do not deserve respect. Respect is something I personally reserve for those people with the guts to step up and either fix their relationship or end it cleanly before finding themselves a relationship safety net by cheating. I mean, come on...if your marriage is so horrible that it isn't worth saving, then end it already. If you aren't sure whether or not it is worth saving, then be an adult and honor your freaking commitments until you DO know one way or the other where the relationship is headed.


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## Discoverycounseling (Jul 24, 2010)

Good Post .. should cause people to think before acting.


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## Harvard (Aug 11, 2009)

never was a cheater. I enjoy the person I am with or find someone else but or me cheating has never been an option


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

This is an interesting thread. OP if wifey #2 is such a prize what are you doing on a marriage forum. Maybe you are posting in the happily ever after section giving advice on how to get the type of woman you are entitled to who is heads above of the woman you have. You seem to still be bitter towards wife #1 what did she do to you - was a a financial bloodbath to get rid of her? Well you can't expect to get off with no consequences since she had to feel it and her children as well. 

How are things going with wife number two. I am curious are you concerned that she may cheat on you and how do you know she is not cheating on you now? Have you cheated on her? It's interesting that you point out that 80% of the men would cheat if they had a chance, I wonder why the prof did not query women. It difficult for men to even think of it but I'll bet that 80% of woman would not mind having a new men to have sex with either. Men never seem to consider that but it is true. 

BTW you sound like quite a prize I think your first wife was lucky and she does not know it and you and you present wife are well matched.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

SoCalMark said:


> Hello everyone.... In these forums I seem to always read about the victims of destructive marriages and that the other spouse is usually is to blame for being unfaithful. This always strikes me as quite interesting.
> 
> I was the adulterer in my first marriage. I found my first wife quite nice and accommodating, loving and supportive but I had fallen in love with someone else. The someone else (now my second wife) had trouble with her first husband having an affair. My wife now is ten times the woman that I both needed and wanted in the first place and my first wife has moved-on but not without constant retribution though the years. Even though I must have apologized a million times in the last 14 years, the hurt still is there from a promise not kept.
> 
> ...


Congrats I guess is that what I say? :scratchhead:

I haven't read the comments, but I will say I have a met a few guys not woman....guys like you. Always have that playful side.....my question is how hard has it been to stay faithful now?

Because most of the guys I know that play are happily married they just "want" the spice on the side. They mean little and it truly is just a game "hit it and quit it" then "on to the next one".

Your situation was different you went from loving relationship to another....a little different.


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