# Help! My husband is a sexual deviant :S



## DigitalHeart (Nov 15, 2011)

So, my husband and I have been happily married for many years now, and have had a fairly satisfying sex life. That is, up until recently. Now things have become very complicated 

There's a few typical issues coming into play which are obstructing our sex life, nothing out of the ordinary really (kids, work etc) but there's one on his side which is really causing problems. I had no idea when we got married about this, he kept it under wraps fairly well. But he has recently admitted to me that he is a paraphilic, a sexual deviant. His interests include involving bodily fluids in our sexual activities such as urine, faeces etc. Whilst I don't feel comfortable sharing further details, you'll just have to take my word for it when I say that they are pretty full-on!

The problem, however, is that he has recently lost interest in what most people, including me, would call "normal" sex. I am fairly happy in the bedroom with a normal sex life. I even enjoy going that extra bit further, using toys and occasionally experimenting a bit with new things. I've told him I am happy to do costumes or try new positions, if it meant spicing things up for him. But he has no interest in any of these at all, he wants more 

Last night he admitted to me that he finds our sex life to be "boring", especially since having our 2nd child. All that stretching down there during childbirth has admittedly taken its toll on me, and he doesn't find things as satisfying anymore. I've reluctantly put out for him anally quite a bit lately, to keep both of us mutually satisfied. I actually HATE anal sex, I don't get any enjoyment out of it whatsoever and find it quite painful, it puts a dampener on my night. But he enjoys it, which is why I have gone ahead with it anyway (this is at my own will, I want to add! He has never forced or pushed me into it) But last night I just found I have had enough of it, and told him that I don't want to do it anymore. Although he understood, this came as a great disappointment to him.

I just don't know what to do. I don't want to get involved in these extreme fetishes he has (some of them it took him a LOT of courage to admit to me, he was very hesitant to tell me because, regardless of how many years we have been together, he knew I would still be horrified) but at the same time he is just not happy with our normal sex life anymore, to the point where he barely has an interest in sex with me at all. I seem to be the only one initiating it these days, and when it does happen, you can tell his enthusiasm is not there.

I even vented to him last night that I feel that he married the wrong person, and needs to find someone else who has a mutual interest in his sexual taste, because I just can't relate at all 

I'd REALLY appreciate any advice on this one


----------



## SilverSiren (Nov 8, 2011)

What a tough situation! I recommend getting counseling asap.


----------



## AndBuffyStakedEdward (Nov 15, 2011)

SilverSiren said:


> What a tough situation! I recommend getting counseling asap.


:iagree:

I think you need to figure out what changed. Why the sex was satisfying for so many years then went to "boring". 

If this is how he felt from the beginning, it was wrong for him to hide it and he can't expect you to change now because of it. Why should you go out of your way to indulge his fetish? _Especially_ if they are things you are not in to.


----------



## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

I also agree with therapy as the very definite next step.

I think OP did a good job explaining how this change occurred. I'd imagine it's normal for a paraphilic to hide urges from everyone, especially the one he loves. It sounds like he is humiliated by his own urges. 

I have no experience with this, but I'm certain therapists exist that specialize in this area.


----------



## SleepingBeauty1 (Mar 5, 2012)

I can relate to your stutuation. I have been with my husband for a year now and only married for a few months. He is my best friend and we are crazy inlove. He has really opened me up sexually. I knew he had a freaky side but I had no idea that he as a sexual deviant. He is in the military and stationed in a different state. Im waiting until my child is done with the school year before I can move to be with him. We had hit a speed bump in our marriage and im now questioning his feelings for me. We share our fantasies but now he wants them to come true. He wanted me to have sex with another man and tell him the details. He also wants me to try women as well. I just couldnt bring myself to do these things that he had requested in fear of ruining our marriage and hating myself. He got very upset with me and told me that we will never be on the same level sexually and maybe he is not the man for me( This devastated me. So I compromised with him and set up a profile on a sex web site to flirt with other men and tell him about it. I considered this because I want to keep him interested in me and not be such a prud. Doing this really turned him on. I played along but I felt dirty and very ashammed of myself. I feel like I have violated our marriage. I havent been able to sleep at night and I have been crying alot. It seems like everytime we talk now its about sex with other men. I hate this! I want it to just be me and him but that is alot to ask for I guess. So I know how you feel in a way. I am going to seek help with a councilor. My husband is going to be deployed until November so its not like we can work on our issue now. But in the mean time he is wanting me to do more and more freaky twisted stuff. Im afrade to tell him no in fear of him becoming bored with me. It feels like Im a sex toy and not a wife any more. This has taken all the fun out of sex


----------



## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

SleepingBeauty - Don't do it. Unless it is something you decide you are curious about, it will just delay the inevitable disintegration of your marriage plus you likely carry around deep regrets about what you did out of desperation . Perhaps the one thing your husband is right about is you're not compatible. My guess is he will always be looking for a new experience and therefore your efforts at pleasing him will be doomed to fail.


----------



## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Hi DH sorry you are here I feel that one should only do things in this area that they feel comfortable with. It sounds like your hubby could use some IC for sexual issues just my opinion. It sounds like you have set your boundaries sometimes folks just grow apart which is fine I would not do anything I didnt feel comfortable myself.

Good Luck


----------



## SleepingBeauty1 (Mar 5, 2012)

Im just hoping that he loves me enough to understand..... sigh


----------



## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

All ways tell my wife I would likely try anything at least once with her, as long as it didnt involve urine, feces, or other people.

Feel sorry for you ladies. Maybe some counseling is needed. Otherwise that stuff goes too far past the norm of a husband whining about not enough bjs.


----------



## effess (Nov 20, 2009)

Definitely requires counciling. You've gone above and beyond in my opinion already with some of the things you've done. That stuff he's into is screwed up. The fact that he was so reluctant to tell you proves that. 
If you don't nip this in the bud now - this will only lead to alot of resentment and anger on both sides.


----------



## Jeff74 (Feb 11, 2012)

Tough situation.

Whether or not these fantasies are just non normative or are actually screwed up is an interstitng topic. What I mean is that is your husband a normal, psychologically sound individual with nn normative sexual tendencies or does he have a true psychological disorder?

I am inclined to believe that he does not have a psychological disorder...

This leaves 4 possibilities of resolution:

1. He alters his desires to match yours
2. You alter your desires to match his
3. Compromise in the middle
4. No compromise and no one changes.

I hope you two are able to solve this major problem and work things out!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## phantomfan (Mar 7, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## phantomfan (Mar 7, 2012)

I understand how you feel. It's natural for your wants/needs to change over time. My only hard/fast rule is no animals and other people. I've done the other people, and for 98 percent of couples that open that pandoras box, it never works out. Im not into fluids and not sure if my partner asked me to dump on them or vice versa that I'd be able to do it. Having said that, Id like to think that I'd give it a college try if it really did the trick. If I didn't want to do it again, I'd look for other ways to get the same thrill or experience without the part you object to. 

Guys love anal for three reasons. It feels damn good, it shows you trust your partner and that every place you have to offer is not off limits to us. Any time you go out on a limb sexually for a man, the emotional connection that you feel (from a man's point of view) is worth an occasional pain in the ass. I wish my wife was less prudish and more willing to try things. 

It might cost you some money, but you can always get stiched up down there. If he always had those desires, he should have told you long before you got married and had kids. Unfortunately that didn't happen. My only advice is to do some research for alternative activities, talk through it with someone and with each other. 

There may be an underlying issue that is driving the escalation that once dealt with will bring things into balance. Good luck to.you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## amomoffour (Aug 25, 2016)

I Have been married for 30 years have four kids and have had to leave my husband due to this. I strongly urge you to get out of the marriage it gets worse! Now he is posting on Craigslist for men women and tyranny's. I have filed for divorce. These people are sick! You need to get out!!!! PLEASE listen to me! He isn't just doing it with you! Don't let it be to late and have it affect your health. It will only cause you heartache and disgust. I am 50 years old now we got married when I was 19. It took this long to find out what a mess he is and what a huge lie I have lived!!!!!!


----------

