# MIL ruining my marriage.



## Veronic TT (2 mo ago)

Hi. 
sorry this is rather long post but I really want to know what’re other people views on my situation.
So I married to the guy who is a mummy’s boy (although he is already 45yrs old…Eek!). We dated for 12 long years (sigh!!!). Before we married, there was not much issue as I hardly met his mum and she still has her husband alive and wasn’t that clingy to my husband. But after we married and has my daughter, my FIL passed away and my MIL started to treat my husband like her husband. She also displayed jealousy towards me and always trying to prove that she can do better than me in whatever I do. Things that really annoy me are…
She calls my hubby 4-5 times everyday and keeps ringing constantly until he takes her call or call her back…as if he doesn’t have other life (me and my baby!). She calls just to ask how is he and my daughter.My husband thinks it is normal (sigh!)
He will go to see her every day, sometimes 2 or 3 times a day. She isn’t sick nor live alone. She will call him to come if he doesn’t go anyway. When she calls him to come, he cancels all the plan we made and goes to her instead :’(
She comes to our house uninvited and unannounced and use the copy of our house keys my husband gave her for emergency. She knows no boundary nor respect to my marriage.
She brings home cooked meals or calls my husband to come take food from her almost everyday and always find fault in my cookings. My no good husband chose to eat her cookings over mine! It broke my heart whenever he left the lunchbox I packed for him untouched and took his mum’s food to work instead. I don’t know what is my place in his life anymore.
She is two faced and very manipulative. She acts as if she is ok with me in front of my husband but when he is not around, she doesn’t even smile nor make eyes contact with me. She just hold that tense face and quiet.
She bad mouthing of me to her relatives. I have never offended to any of them but they showed they don’t like me. But when I made afford to show that I am a nice person, some of them started to like me and told me about the ****s she’s been talking about me to them even before they have met me.
I started to have big arguments with my husband when his mum tried to take control of my daughter’s life as if she is the mother and I don’t exist…and my husband sadly stood by his mum’s side as he always did and broke my heart to the point that I stopped having feelings for him. 
My daughter is now 4 years old. Me and hubby haven’t been sleeping in same room for more than 3 and half years. We don’t have any romance or intimacy or laugh or love whatsoever in that time. 
i am 10 years younger than him and I would say I am attractive woman. I am very independent and highly educated unlike my husband. So it is hard for me to stay in this loveless marriage. My MIL and husband drove me to the point that I am now anti depressant dependent. 
I know I can do better if I leave this unfair husband and selfish MIL. Everyday I stay in this marriage I feel that I am wasting my life.
My poor little daughter always asking that she wants brothers sisters…it breaks my heart every-time she says that. And I really want to give her siblings but it is almost impossible with this same husband. Unless I separate from him and find a proper partner who will love me and stand by my side as a partner should, I will not be able to have another child I’m afraid.
I am already 36years old and time is running out for me unless I act quickly in finding a decent husband. And after everything my husband put me through, I find it hard to trust any man and love to me is a joke. 
What should I do? I am so sad and lost !_!


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Veronic TT said:


> Hi.
> sorry this is rather long post but I really want to know what’re other people views on my situation.
> So I married to the guy who is a mummy’s boy (although he is already 45yrs old…Eek!). We dated for 12 long years (sigh!!!). Before we married, there was not much issue as I hardly met his mum and she still has her husband alive and wasn’t that clingy to my husband. But after we married and has my daughter, my FIL passed away and my MIL started to treat my husband like her husband. She also displayed jealousy towards me and always trying to prove that she can do better than me in whatever I do. Things that really annoy me are…
> She calls my hubby 4-5 times everyday and keeps ringing constantly until he takes her call or call her back…as if he doesn’t have other life (me and my baby!). She calls just to ask how is he and my daughter.My husband thinks it is normal (sigh!)
> ...


@Veronic TT Welcome to TAM!
I'm sorry to hear about your tragic marriage. It sounds like it's hanging on by a thread at this point.

One thing I didn't hear too much about n your post was how your husband felt about all this. What did he do when you confronted him and tried to put up boundaries, etc ?

Now that you're almost ready to walk, have you given him the ultimatum? (Me or MIL)


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Veronic TT said:


> What should I do?


You need to talk to him about this. If you already have, how did it go? What did you say?


Veronic TT said:


> I know I can do better if I leave this unfair husband and selfish MIL.


In my opinion that would be a bad move.


Veronic TT said:


> I am so sad and lost !_!


You will need to avoid that victim-stance when talking to him.


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## Veronic TT (2 mo ago)

Yes he told me not to complain of his mother ever. And he started the silent treatment on me when I asked him to not let his mum take my daughter away from me. He said she was just trying to help and I am being a b***h.
She took my daughter for a whole week and not letting me see her when she was only 4 weeks old. Every time I went knocking on the door to take my daughter back, she opened the door ajar and said “baby is sleeping, Go Go” and shut the door to my face. She is my first/only child and I am a fantastic mother and there was no reason for anyone to do that. She was so weird. She even forced my daughter suck her nipples as if she was trying to breastfeed my child. She wants to be her mum OMG!!!. She is crazy.
I didn’t want to upset my hubby because I already know that he will choose his mum over me but if I didn’t tell him at that point, I don’t know if my baby will be alive now. I could hear my 4weeks old crying from the door but couldn’t see or touch her. When I heard my baby was screaming too loud on the 6th day that I haven’t seen her, I forced myself in and found baby was in thick layers of clothes and two thick blankets covering her and big pillow pressing on her (Yes…big pillow on top of the infant..true story!) in the room without ventilation on the day that was 40 degree in summer. My baby was breathless and she was intentionally overheating baby to death. I was so worried for baby’s life in crazy woman’s hand so I just grabbed my baby and walked out.

I have told him I am leaving and he is cool about that. He said his mum will come and live with him when I leave. He has no heart for me at all. His mum and him both are just so weird. To him, he needs nobody as long as his mum is with him. And to her, she will do whatever it takes to have full control of her son and she is treating me like a competition. Sometimes, they even made me think what kind of lunatic family I have married myself into LOL


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## Teacherwifemom (5 mo ago)

I’m sorry. You lost me when you said she took your infant for a week. The only thing you should have done is call the police and then a lawyer. That would literally only happen over my dead body.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Veronic TT said:


> Yes he told me not to complain of his mother ever. And he started the silent treatment on me when I asked him to not let his mum take my daughter away from me. He said she was just trying to help and I am being a b***h.
> *She took my daughter for a whole week and not letting me see her when she was only 4 weeks old. Every time I went knocking on the door to take my daughter back, she opened the door ajar and said “baby is sleeping, Go Go” and shut the door to my face.* She is my first/only child and I am a fantastic mother and there was no reason for anyone to do that. She was so weird. She even forced my daughter suck her nipples as if she was trying to breastfeed my child. She wants to be her mum OMG!!!. She is crazy.
> I didn’t want to upset my hubby because I already know that he will choose his mum over me but if I didn’t tell him at that point, I don’t know if my baby will be alive now. I could hear my 4weeks old crying from the door but couldn’t see or touch her. When I heard my baby was screaming too loud on the 6th day that I haven’t seen her, I forced myself in and found baby was in thick layers of clothes and two thick blankets covering her and big pillow pressing on her (Yes…big pillow on top of the infant..true story!) in the room without ventilation on the day that was 40 degree in summer. My baby was breathless and she was intentionally overheating baby to death. I was so worried for baby’s life in crazy woman’s hand so I just grabbed my baby and walked out.
> 
> I have told him I am leaving and he is cool about that. He said his mum will come and live with him when I leave. He has no heart for me at all. His mum and him both are just so weird. To him, he needs nobody as long as his mum is with him. And to her, she will do whatever it takes to have full control of her son and she is treating me like a competition. Sometimes, they even made me think what kind of lunatic family I have married myself into LOL


Why on earth did you not call the police the she did that? And the pillow? Holy ****!

You need a divorce asap.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Veronic TT said:


> I have told him I am leaving and he is cool about that


Then you have your answer. Do what must be done.
The MIL sounds very harmful to your baby, you need to take control of that right NOW! You are the mom, become a mama bear! Protect your baby!


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## Veronic TT (2 mo ago)

Teacherwifemom said:


> I’m sorry. You lost me when you said she took your infant for a week. The only thing you should have done is call the police and then a lawyer. That would literally only happen over my dead body.


Because till that point, I didn’t have problem in my marriage and my husband said that his mum wants to take care of baby for a couple of days and I said Ok. But I didn’t think that she will not let me get in the door to see or touch my daughter at all. My pregnancy was very complicated so I thought she genuinely wanted to help me only to realise that she isn’t normal. 
yes I wanted to call the police. I told my husband I will next time and that’s why she stopped taking my daughter. But started attacking me in other ways.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

there is one too many in the marriage


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Veronic TT said:


> I have told him I am leaving and he is cool about that. He said his mum will come and live with him when I leave.


So... what's gonna happen once crazy MIL bites the dust? Will your stbx (will refer to him like this since you're all but separated physically) just cry and cry like the boy he is?

Have you consulted a lawyer? Started making a plan to put financials together? Started putting away money? Since he's cool with you leaving, perhaps separating permanently will go smoothly. But with a MIL like yours, he might draw it out just to spite you on her behalf. 

Sorry you have such a poor excuse of a husband, OP. Time to start putting yourself and your daughter first now. Leave him and MIL to their emotionally incestuous relationship.


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## Veronic TT (2 mo ago)

Thank you for your advice. I haven’t consulted a lawyer. He said he will support my child’s education and our necessary expenses (food and clothing) but yes you are right. I should not solely rely on just what he says he will with that kind of MIL. 
I really can’t do that anymore. I have tried for four years and that’s already too much. It is just not me to be stress and angry everyday. I was a very calm and chill person before. I have to get away from the toxic MIL and senseless husband. Just don’t know if my decision to live separately from dad will hurt my 4 years old’s feeling. Not that he is very kind to our daughter though but still she loves him.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Veronic TT said:


> Hi.
> sorry this is rather long post but I really want to know what’re other people views on my situation.
> So I married to the guy who is a mummy’s boy (although he is already 45yrs old…Eek!). We dated for 12 long years (sigh!!!). Before we married, there was not much issue as I hardly met his mum and she still has her husband alive and wasn’t that clingy to my husband. But after we married and has my daughter, my FIL passed away and my MIL started to treat my husband like her husband. She also displayed jealousy towards me and always trying to prove that she can do better than me in whatever I do. Things that really annoy me are…
> She calls my hubby 4-5 times everyday and keeps ringing constantly until he takes her call or call her back…as if he doesn’t have other life (me and my baby!). She calls just to ask how is he and my daughter.My husband thinks it is normal (sigh!)
> ...


I think they have a weird relationship dynamic, and your MIL is extremely jealous of you. Which tells me, that you possess some great qualities, or else she wouldn't be cutting you down the way she does. Please don't take her criticisms personally, she is clearly an idi*_, and do not internalize any of it. She acts nice in front of your husband because she is hiding her behavior, she is very manipulative and calculated. So, she talked s**_ about you to family? DO not bother trying to explain your redeeming qualities, when they see how you are, versus how she is painting you, they will come around. I don't want to tell you to leave your husband, but I feel like that is the only way he will change, if you leave, he will realize what he lost. I find it strange that your husband has not tried to repair your marriage, and you have been sleeping in separate rooms for so long. Maybe it is best you leave, but the question is, will he give you a hard time about that?


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I’m not sure what to say, except that I’m horrified for you and your baby. What kind of a person takes someone’s baby for that long? Oh my goodness… 

In Australia we have wonderful MCHN’s, did you speak to your nurse about this at the baby’s checkups?


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## visionary (Mar 4, 2020)

Veronic TT said:


> She was so weird. She even forced my daughter suck her nipples as if she was trying to breastfeed my child. She wants to be her mum OMG!!!. She is crazy.


This is sexual abuse. Incest also.

Please talk to a lawyer ASAP and go for 100% physical and legal custody. Your child should not live with, or even be around, that sick woman.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

As an outsider looking in I can say that to me the answer is very simple. You need a divorce. Stop wasting your life on MIL and a man still stuck on her tit.

Let’s get real … your biological clock is ticking and you better hurry the hell up…. Like now !!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Veronic TT said:


> Yes he told me not to complain of his mother ever. And he started the silent treatment on me when I asked him to not let his mum take my daughter away from me. He said she was just trying to help and I am being a b***h.
> She took my daughter for a whole week and not letting me see her when she was only 4 weeks old. Every time I went knocking on the door to take my daughter back, she opened the door ajar and said “baby is sleeping, Go Go” and shut the door to my face. She is my first/only child and I am a fantastic mother and there was no reason for anyone to do that. She was so weird. She even forced my daughter suck her nipples as if she was trying to breastfeed my child. She wants to be her mum OMG!!!. She is crazy.
> I didn’t want to upset my hubby because I already know that he will choose his mum over me but if I didn’t tell him at that point, I don’t know if my baby will be alive now. I could hear my 4weeks old crying from the door but couldn’t see or touch her. When I heard my baby was screaming too loud on the 6th day that I haven’t seen her, I forced myself in and found baby was in thick layers of clothes and two thick blankets covering her and big pillow pressing on her (Yes…big pillow on top of the infant..true story!) in the room without ventilation on the day that was 40 degree in summer. My baby was breathless and she was intentionally overheating baby to death. I was so worried for baby’s life in crazy woman’s hand so I just grabbed my baby and walked out.
> 
> I have told him I am leaving and he is cool about that. He said his mum will come and live with him when I leave. He has no heart for me at all. His mum and him both are just so weird. To him, he needs nobody as long as his mum is with him. And to her, she will do whatever it takes to have full control of her son and she is treating me like a competition. Sometimes, they even made me think what kind of lunatic family I have married myself into LOL


That is very disturbing, you should have reported her for kidnapping and child abuse. 
Please tell your lawyer all these things and try and get full custody.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Your marriage is over. Has been for a long time. . . around when you & hubby stopped sleeping in the same room. 

Go see a lawyer & get out already. Otherwise you are going to be 40 & in the same situation.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Just wanted to say my MIL....a huge narcissist...had a major impact on the failure of my marriage. And your situation sounds much worse.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

> Just don’t know if my decision to live separately from dad will hurt my 4 years old’s feeling. Not that he is very kind to our daughter though but still she loves him.


Better than showing her the toxic dynamic you two have when you’re together. She will eventually use that as an example for her own relationships. Don’t teach her that she should just tolerate abuse/disrespect.


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## Veronic TT (2 mo ago)

Teacherwifemom said:


> I’m sorry. You lost me when you said she took your infant for a week. The only thing you should have done is call the police and then a lawyer. That would literally only happen over my dead body.


I didn’t I was so scared to be alone with an infant and without any money or anyone. Both my parents already passed and my relatives are all in overseas and I don’t really know them. So basically my husband is the only person I have at this difficult time. 
I told my husband she is trying to kill our baby and to cut her off. And he tried defending his mum with very nonsense excuse saying that she was just trying to stop baby from having reflexes which is waking baby up. I have no proof or witness if I call police since my husband (the only person I have) will do/say anything to protect his mum. And that’s the day we stopped sleeping on the same bed and the day he has stopped all the affection to me since.


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## Veronic TT (2 mo ago)

GC1234 said:


> I think they have a weird relationship dynamic, and your MIL is extremely jealous of you. Which tells me, that you possess some great qualities, or else she wouldn't be cutting you down the way she does. Please don't take her criticisms personally, she is clearly an idi*_, and do not internalize any of it. She acts nice in front of your husband because she is hiding her behavior, she is very manipulative and calculated. So, she talked s**_ about you to family? DO not bother trying to explain your redeeming qualities, when they see how you are, versus how she is painting you, they will come around. I don't want to tell you to leave your husband, but I feel like that is the only way he will change, if you leave, he will realize what he lost. I find it strange that your husband has not tried to repair your marriage, and you have been sleeping in separate rooms for so long. Maybe it is best you leave, but the question is, will he give you a hard time about that?


It is very clear she is so jealous of me. I am better than her son in every way, age, look, qualification, wealth, family background, etc. I came from highly educated and wealthy family which is complete opposite of what they are. My mum stopped talking to me for dating him as he doesn’t tick any of the boxes or hold any quality that my family would look in a husband. But I was young and stupid so I chose him over my mum and she hated me till her last breath. We married just two months after my mum passed away because my mum will never bless our marriage as long as she lives. All my friends and family disagreed us too but I didn’t listen to anyone because I was a fool. I thought he will defend me like I did for him.


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## Veronic TT (2 mo ago)

Spoons027 said:


> Better than showing her the toxic dynamic you two have when you’re together. She will eventually use that as an example for her own relationships. Don’t teach her that she should just tolerate abuse/disrespect.


That’s absolutely true. That’s what I am thinking everyday. Day after day, she understands things more and more. I don’t want her vision of love and marriage as bizarre as my marriage is.


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## Veronic TT (2 mo ago)

Spoons027 said:


> Better than showing her the toxic dynamic you two have when you’re together. She will eventually use that as an example for her own relationships. Don’t teach her that she should just tolerate abuse/disrespect.


I agree with you. I read her books and showed her movies that teach how the love is. And i tell her everyday that mum and dad don't love each other anymore but we both love you (I don’t know if that’s wrong to say to a young child though). I am surely taking her and moving away by the end of next year. At the moment, I am just working hard and saving more money for that to happen quickly and smoothly.


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## Veronic TT (2 mo ago)

D0nnivain said:


> Your marriage is over. Has been for a long time. . . around when you & hubby stopped sleeping in the same room.
> 
> Go see a lawyer & get out already. Otherwise you are going to be 40 & in the same situation.


That’s my worry. I dated this man and was always with him since I was 19. Now that I am 36 and all my good time in life, I wasted with that wrong person. I shouldn’t waste any longer. How stupid I was to date a man for that long without finding out about how his parents are like. I just want to slap myself


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## Veronic TT (2 mo ago)

SCDad01 said:


> Just wanted to say my MIL....a huge narcissist...had a major impact on the failure of my marriage. And your situation sounds much worse.


Did you manage to get out of your failed marriage? How did you cope ?


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Veronic TT said:


> It is very clear she is so jealous of me. I am better than her son in every way, age, look, qualification, wealth, family background, etc. I came from highly educated and wealthy family which is complete opposite of what they are. My mum stopped talking to me for dating him as he doesn’t tick any of the boxes or hold any quality that my family would look in a husband. But I was young and stupid so I chose him over my mum and she hated me till her last breath. We married just two months after my mum passed away because my mum will never bless our marriage as long as she lives. All my friends and family disagreed us too but I didn’t listen to anyone because I was a fool. I thought he will defend me like I did for him.


Yeah, sometimes we realize too late that our parents are sometimes right. But with age comes experience, and that's what life is all about. My husband was similar to yours in that he never defended me. I think at the end of the day, some men don't have a backbone to do what is right, they just choose to be blindly loyal, but unfortunately it's never to their wives...lol. I mean, sad to say, if you don't see much improvement or change in him, it may be time to walk away, if you can support yourself financially.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

You made a mistake. When you were 19 you fell in love & didn't have the perspective. You hung on & got married. Now it's a nightmare. 

The longer you stay the worse it is. Things can get better if you act to change them.


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## elliblue (7 mo ago)

Veronic TT said:


> Yes he told me not to complain of his mother ever. And he started the silent treatment on me when I asked him to not let his mum take my daughter away from me. He said she was just trying to help and I am being a b***h.
> She took my daughter for a whole week and not letting me see her when she was only 4 weeks old. Every time I went knocking on the door to take my daughter back, she opened the door ajar and said “baby is sleeping, Go Go” and shut the door to my face. She is my first/only child and I am a fantastic mother and there was no reason for anyone to do that. She was so weird. She even forced my daughter suck her nipples as if she was trying to breastfeed my child. She wants to be her mum OMG!!!. She is crazy.
> I didn’t want to upset my hubby because I already know that he will choose his mum over me but if I didn’t tell him at that point, I don’t know if my baby will be alive now. I could hear my 4weeks old crying from the door but couldn’t see or touch her. When I heard my baby was screaming too loud on the 6th day that I haven’t seen her, I forced myself in and found baby was in thick layers of clothes and two thick blankets covering her and big pillow pressing on her (Yes…big pillow on top of the infant..true story!) in the room without ventilation on the day that was 40 degree in summer. My baby was breathless and she was intentionally overheating baby to death. I was so worried for baby’s life in crazy woman’s hand so I just grabbed my baby and walked out.
> 
> I have told him I am leaving and he is cool about that. He said his mum will come and live with him when I leave. He has no heart for me at all. His mum and him both are just so weird. To him, he needs nobody as long as his mum is with him. And to her, she will do whatever it takes to have full control of her son and she is treating me like a competition. Sometimes, they even made me think what kind of lunatic family I have married myself into LOL


I stopped reading after 'pillow'.

Sorry, but if you let an other woman take your baby there is sonething wrong with you too.
Mothers have strong instincts and do anything to get their baby back.
Why didn't you call the police?

You're MIL is clearly sick, but what about you not being able to protect and fight for your baby????
Even half a day without a mothers permission, the mother not fighting the hell to immidiately get her baby back is strange.

The problem isn't just the MIL. It is all three of you and the infant is in real danger with all of you guys. 

What you guys put this baby through is having traunatising impact on her for the rest of her life and you let it happen to your child. You didn't even call the police.
And her letting the baby suckle her nipples or any part of her body for her own saddisfaction is child abuse. You are just watching which makes you a bystander and enabler and also guilty for what hapoens to the child.


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## elliblue (7 mo ago)

The issue is, you aren't protecting your child. You're just concerned about your marriage and your daughter wanting a sibling.
Here, you are projecting your wishes onto your daughter. Even if she said this, you're just using it to make it look like you're concerned about your daughter. But where was your will to protect her when your MIL was doing what she did?
Obviously staying with your husband is more important to you. 
Why is now giving your daughter a sibling even worth thinking about or mentioning in such a situation???

I haven't read everything you wrote, but I think it is time you ooen your eyes and stoo playing your MIL victim or complaining about your husband.
He is obviously highly disturbed and you should ask yourself why you want to stay with such a person. He is not going to change. Mummy boys don'r change. She most likely abused him in aimilar ways she did to your daughter. It would explain his weird attachment.


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