# Confused



## teddybear990 (Feb 17, 2017)

I'm a married man who had sex with my female friend recently. Never intended anything to happen but we work together , we carpool twice a month about 30 miles to work. I had sex with her in the backseat of my truck, in the store room at work, and I've taken a few minutes at her house also when dropping her off. I can't bear to confess this all to my wife, ever. I would destroy her. I've been married 9 years now. We have two kids, both from this marriage. I am in counseling with my wife but honestly I've just been working the system, I don't think I truly want her but I dont know what else to do at this point. Can't afford divorce or child support so I feel I have to fake and play act everything in this relationship. Although the sex with my wife is good, I can't complain there. This girl from work makes me feel great. She is 4 years younger and has a personality that makes me feel like I have more connection to. I tell her about my marriage problems in the past and she is straight up honest - she tells me that my wife "needs to go". I don't know if I truly am at that point yet. I feel stuck.


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## adegirl2016 (Dec 14, 2016)

Wow. If you feel this way about your wife, you need to go. If child support is an issue - man up. You either make things work with your wife and drop this other woman or move on. Your wife deserves to know about what you are doing. For all we know, she may not want to be with you after knowing this. 
Also, you are exposing your wife to life threatening STDs. High risk HPV is one of them. You need to tell her so she can get tested.
There is a lot more to this than just your feelings. You have just opened a huge can of worms.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

teddybear990 said:


> I'm a married man who had sex with my female friend recently. Never intended anything to happen but we work together a couple times a week, we carpool about 30 miles to work. I had sex with her in the backseat of my truck, in the store room at work, and I've taken a few minutes at her house also when dropping her off. I can't bear to confess this all to my wife, ever. I would destroy her. I've been married 9 years now. We have two kids, both from this marriage. I am in counseling with my wife but honestly I've just been working the system, I don't think I truly want her but I dont know what else to do at this point. Can't afford divorce or child support so I feel I have to fake and play act everything in this relationship. Although the sex with my wife is good, I can't complain there. This girl from work makes me feel great. She is 4 years younger and has a personality that makes me feel like I have more connection to. I tell her about my marriage problems in the past and she is straight up honest - she tells me that my wife "needs to go". I don't know if I truly am at that point yet. I feel stuck.


Tell your wife.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Dude, of course she makes you feel better and tells you your wife needs to go. Can't afford living without 50% of everything and child support, who can, but you've really already made that decision. Don't know what to do, you need to tell your wife and she'll tell you to get lost. The OW will probably tell you the same, she's probably just out for a thrill. You really made this hard for yourself.


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## Pixel (Jan 10, 2017)

Tell your wife. Tell her now. Do not do this to someone who is actively trying to make your marriage better with counselling and stuff. It's not fair. It's evil. It's disgusting. Don't be a coward.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

OP your feelings for/relationship with your friend from work aren't any different from every other wayward spouse who cheated with a work buddy. It's the stereotypical workplace affair. Read the Chapter on Intimate Conversation from His Needs, Her Needs. Your story is in there, word for word. Of course you think this woman is perfect, she hasn't had to raise your children and put up with any of your crap and vice versa.

Tell your wife.


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## Pixel (Jan 10, 2017)

Further to Keke's post, please also take some time to read through the threads of people who are dealing with infidelity. Feel their hurt and pain and know that this is what you are doing to another human being who loves you. Ya, it's going to destroy her you are right. But read these threads and understand.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

One life at work is fantasy good times no bills thrills. Another life at home with bills, kids and responsibilities. Of course the OW at work is wonderful with no responsibilities other than finding a place to do what you do. 

Tell your W.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

This is how it's going to play out...

OP will not tell his wife and will continue the affair.

His affair partner will continue to tell him to get rid of his wife.

OP will not get rid of his wife since having his cake and eating it is much easier.

Affair partner will turn into a bunny boilier and drop a dime on OP with his wife.

OP will lose his wife and his "soulmate" when they realize what he is.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Be a man, grow up and tell your wife. Cut off all contact with the ow, look for another job and start to be a responsible husband and father. Stop travelling alone in the car together now. Tell her its over.
Yes your wife will be deeply hurt. Yes she may divorce you. Yes you will cause terrible disruption in your children's lives. That's what happens when you lie, cheat and put your own selfish desires first. There are bad consequences. Why anyone would be interested in a women who has no moral values, no integrity and and thinks nothing of having sex with another womans husband I will never know. She will almost certainly cheat on you as well, you do realise that. That's if she isn't now. 

I doubt you will do what I have said above, I hope you do though. No marriage should have such deep secrets. 

BTW you must get tested for STD's, and if you have had sex with your wife since, she must as well. Please don't have sex with your wife until you know you are clear. A woman who has sex with others womens husbands may well have an STD.They are so common now.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

I understand you're probably feeling confused and torn up right now, but you do have to tell your wife. If she were having sex with a man from work, you'd want to know right? Same difference. Then the hard part: you need to tell your work friend that you don't want to see her anymore.

This is going to be a very difficult and confusing time for both of you, so be sure to look after yourself, eat well, read what other people here telling you, and take time everyday to do some soul-searching.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

teddybear990 said:


> I'm a married man who had sex with my female friend recently. Never intended anything to happen but we work together a couple times a week, we carpool about 30 miles to work. I had sex with her in the backseat of my truck, in the store room at work, and I've taken a few minutes at her house also when dropping her off. I can't bear to confess this all to my wife, ever. I would destroy her. I've been married 9 years now. We have two kids, both from this marriage. I am in counseling with my wife but honestly I've just been working the system, I don't think I truly want her but I dont know what else to do at this point. Can't afford divorce or child support so I feel I have to fake and play act everything in this relationship. Although the sex with my wife is good, I can't complain there. This girl from work makes me feel great. She is 4 years younger and has a personality that makes me feel like I have more connection to. I tell her about my marriage problems in the past and she is straight up honest - she tells me that my wife "needs to go". I don't know if I truly am at that point yet. I feel stuck.


You are lying to us and to yourself. Your **** didn't just fall into her. You did this. It's going to come out. You can have some control in the blow up of your life or you can have it sprung on you. You are in for years of pain now so you might as well put on your big boy pants and attack the problem like a man.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

TB,

You wrote,* she is 4 years younger and has a personality that makes me feel like I have more connection to. I tell her about my marriage problems in the past and she is straight up honest - she tells me that my wife "needs to go". I don't know if I truly am at that point yet. I feel stuck. *

Text book setup for an affair, complain about your spouse to someone who "UNDERSTANDS ME", if you ever end up with this woman not only will she have all the problems your wife has now, but you will be with a woman who is willing to break up a family and harm your children, think to yourself what kind of woman would ask a man to leave his children.

Confess to your W and make amends this is no way to live.

Tamat


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

TAMAT said:


> TB,
> 
> You wrote,* she is 4 years younger and has a personality that makes me feel like I have more connection to. I tell her about my marriage problems in the past and she is straight up honest - she tells me that my wife "needs to go". I don't know if I truly am at that point yet. I feel stuck. *
> 
> ...


I agree, how dare this immoral home wrecker tell you that your wife 'needs to go'. That alone shows you what sort of person she is. Its she who 'needs to go'.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Dear confused; 

Figure out what is really important to you today, in 10 years, in 30 years and on your death bed.

If you are honest, it will probably be the love of your wife and children. If it is, then you need to change what you are doing and your way of life.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Uh BARF.....
WTH man?
Set your wife free, you are a dirty dog...she doesn't deserve you.
Just...gross. Your parents will be SO proud.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Is OW married?


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Have you read any of the threads in Coping with Infidelity?

Because if you had, it would be obvious that you would be getting zero support here for your actions, you'd be getting the advice (tell her) that you are getting, and your moral character would be impunged.

This crowd is not a cheater support group. In fact, it's the exact opposite; a tar-and-feather the cheater group.

What kind of response did you really expect here?


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## emuna (Nov 1, 2016)

I hope your wife finds out and tears the woman a new one, takes her babies and leaves you with absolutely NOTHING!!!!!!!


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## nursejackie (May 22, 2015)

Read the threads from betrayed spouses- you are in a fog of stupidity. You arent even thinking for one nano second abut what you are doing. My dad this this for decades to my mom. In the end after my mom died he told me to throw out the other womans pictures- she was no-one.

My mother endured decades of pain for "no-one".
The only reason this woman seems to get you is because she is setting off some chemical reactions in you that are bonding you to her. You should be bonding with your wife. Figure out what it is you are getting from this woman that you are not getting from your wife. Work through counselling to make sure you are meeting each others needs. You can fall in love with the mother of your child again- but not while you are in the lala land of chemical war fare. 

I did this too. With someone I worked with. I felt the same way- he really "got me". I know now that he didn't get me at all. Its just that at the beginning of any relationship there are the raging chemicals that make us see the person with rose colour glasses- think about other relationships you had before you wife- werent they so wonderful too?........until they werent?

Once the chemicals wear off you will be left with the normal problems and pitfalls with this woman. She wont get you anymore. You will notice the booger in her nose and not think it was "cute". You will find some of her mannerisms annoying.

Think about what has drawn you to her- if she likes to doll herself up and your wife doesnt (busy with raising a family) later on you will be annoyed at her obsession with her appearance- why do you have to wait so long for her to get ready...
If its her yourth- later on you will wonder why she seems immature- shes never had children and had to sacrifice her needs for them...If its her adoring attention -later on you will see her as too clingy and needy- 

This is how relationships go- you will be left with a girl who you are no longer smitten with- you will wish you had put that energy into your marriage. You will get caught. I doubt you will tell her but you will get caught on some level- if not now-later. Your wife probably already has that sick to her stomach feeling that something just isnt right. Shes wondering why things arent really improving even with the MC. Shes wondering why you are turning away from the marriage instead of towards it. Your children will think you are a ****. Theres a good chance they wont want you in their life when they find out the details. 

Your only defense for ruining your marriage, destroying your wife, compromising your childrens future.....OH yeah- she "gets you". **** that. Grow up.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Teddybear

Well, what a truthfully warm reception you have received here. Without trying to be harsh, and this will be quite difficult, I'll try to honestly help you. It's not that the other posters haven't been helpful, it's more I don't think they speak your language. What you have been doing is self degrading to you, to the OW, and especially to your wife. Now I don't know what your marriage was like before you started your affair, but I'm sure it wasn't that great. 

So from here you need to decide, marriage or divorce. Give your answer in therapy where I'm sure you've rationalized you affair. If I were you, I would divorce, and the reason is pretty simple. Kids. You see I think all parents want their children to do better then them. If you feel this way then divorce. Don't show them how to deceive, lie, show no love, instead show them that not everything works. 

Your kids can split time between you and your wife. Raise them and co-parent with your wife as best as possible. I think that's the best you can do. Also, let your wife know what you've been doing. This may help you detach more if that's possible. It sounds like you don't like your wife at all. Be honest with your yourself, then your wife. You won't tell her, you won't love her, and worst of all you just continue to be a fake and fraud to her. 

Do the right thing, tell her so she can go find someone who will love her. Tell her so she can find someone to be an honest father to your kids. Tell her because she deserves so much better then you. This will then free you to be with the woman who "gets you".


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## teddybear990 (Feb 17, 2017)

blueinbr said:


> Is OW married?


No,, she has a boyfriend she is currently unhappy with


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

teddybear990 said:


> No,, she has a boyfriend she is currently unhappy with




Other than posting here as a pseudo-confessional, what do you want?

You are not going to stop banging the coworker. How can we help?


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

I'm not going to judge you... you know how sad this is or you would not be here.

You wouldn't accept such actions from your wife... why are you holding yourself to a different standard?

It won't end until you end it... if not, be prepared for the worst because loving yourself again will take a very long time. 

And then you will always doubt... if your AP can do this with you, can she do this to you?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

teddybear990 said:


> No,, she has a boyfriend she is currently unhappy with


People who cheat will always say that. If she isnt happy when why is she with him?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> I'm not going to judge you... you know how sad this is or you would not be here.
> 
> You wouldn't accept such actions from your wife... why are you holding yourself to a different standard?
> 
> ...


Thats why relationships that begin with cheating rarely last. Especially ones where both are cheating.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Surely you know how wrong this is and that you may well loose your family? I think you know what you need to do, are you man enough to do it?


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> Thats why relationships that begin with cheating rarely last. Especially ones where both are cheating.


We know this from the pain we witness from watching others... :frown2:

I hope this resonates with the OP...


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Get tested for STD's, they are rife. The last thing your poor wife deserves is to be infected with an STD. If you have had sex with her she will need to be tested as well. 
Tell her, she deserves to know what is going on.What you are doing is cruel. It wont end well.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

Understand that there is a very strong chance, stronger than not, that this will end in heartbreak for you. Your wife could find out and leave you. Your girlfriend could decide she wants her other boyfriend, or no one at all, and leave you just like that, without so much as a goodbye. Perhaps both could happen, and indeed from what I have read this terrible third option is the most likely scenario. You, my unfortunate friend, will soon be nursing a great deal of heartbreak. Are you prepared for that?


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## Davidmidwest (Nov 22, 2016)

Call it off. Don't ever tell her. Work on your marriage. Listen to the audiobook and read and do the exercises in Gottmans Books from 2000 on. 7 principles, making love last, and couple of others. the both of you need to do this. Get therapy. You strayed because you are not connected to your wife. You need to train her and yourself to connect, she needs to appreciate you, admire you, and be your confident.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Your wife, unless she's really oblivious, already knows you're pulling away emotionally and otherwise. It doesn't take an Einstein to tell the subtle differences in your spouse's behavior.

Hopefully she's already getting STD checked and canceling the useless therapy. And drafting divorce papers. 

Basically all the stuff you won't do, that at least would have a whiff of maturity and integrity.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

OP:

How's that cake tasting?


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

teddybear990 said:


> I Never intended anything to happen but we work together , we carpool twice a month about 30 miles to work.* I had sex with her in the backseat of my truck, in the store room at work, and I've taken a few minutes at her house also when dropping her off.*


I automatically stop reading from there because it's a nonsense.

You fully intended it to happen, not like you slipped and accidentally fell into her..in the backseat of your car, at work and wherever else you're doing her.

You can't stop yourself but you can't tell your wife but you can't do this and that..you always have an excuse.

It's very simple. Stop having sex with the woman that is not your wife.

Or I'll rephrase, stop accidentally slipping and accidentally having sex with this woman, accidents do happen but you keep falling into her, may I suggest staying away from this woman thus avoiding these unfortunate accidents.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Hate to say this, but I hope your wife finds out sooner than later, she deserves better than this. You need to figure out why you would engage in this tawdry affair, cause that is what it is. Or perhaps you and your AP deserve each other.


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