# Suspecting wife EA



## Beerman (Jul 18, 2014)

I have been lurking around this website for a while now. Many good advice on relationships and marriages. Now I really need help! I have posted my story of mmsl forum and am getting great advice there. But the more advice I have the better. Let me tell ya a little of my story.

I just came apon this website and am hoping for some good advice. I am in my Mid 30s and have three children, who happen to be girls under the age of 7(Dear lord......please help me!) I married my beautiful wife in 2005. We dated for quite a few years before we got married. 8 years to be exact. Why so long you may ask? I was 18 at the time and she was 15. Way to young to get serious in a relationship. We seemed like the perfect match. As time went by we had our ups and our downs. In 2003 we were not getting along at all and I decided to end the relationship. I started dating a girl from my work. It was fun, and we had a good time, but I really was starting to regret ending my relationship with my wife. I finally gave in and called her about six months later. I met her at a park(she had her "boyfriend" there with her), and we talked for a bit.....awkward!!!!!! We both decided that we made some mistakes in our relationship and wanted to try again. We started dating again and things seemed to be getting better. We both were getting older and a little wiser. In Febuary of 2005 I asked her to marry me. In August of 2005 we were married!

The first couple years of our marriage were pretty awesome. We did some traveling and started to settle in to our new life together. Now, I knew my wife suffered from mild depression and was on some medication to counteract it. What I didnt realize is how much it would affect our sex life. Our sex life was pretty good before we got married. After.......thats the problem. In 2007 we welcomed our first child. She ended up having some health issues at birth which was pretty stressful on me and my wife. But everything turned out to be OK. She still has the same issues today, but things are looking better. She was born with a hole in her heart that never sealed up. Its called a VSD. We have yearly visits with our Pediatric Cardiologist to make sure everything is still good. So far......so good.

We didnt wait long to have our second child(me having a high sex drive, wife being on antibiotics) oops..... but a good oops. Wouldnt have it any other way. Our second girl was born a year and 2 weeks later. They are the best of friends! After our second daughter was born our sex life was completely gone. My wife was just to busy taking care of the kids and by the end of the night she just wanted to go to bed. We were having sex maybe once or twice a month! It sucked. I just learned to live with it I guess.

My wife is a SAHM and I work 2 jobs trying to support our children. She is a great mom! I will give her that. Our kids are well taken care of and have no worries about that. But it seemed like our marriage took a back seat. In fact if I were to ask her today what is most important in her life it would be our children. Despite that we had our third girl in 2010. She is awesome and would have it any other way.

As our kids grew older and less attached to us I was hoping we would reconnect in our marriage and maybe start having sex more frequently. Ummmmm. no! Between her taking care of the kids and her depression medication our sex life in pretty much non existent. Lucky to have it once a month. And when we do it me initiating and her reluctintly agreeing to it. I feel guilty having sex with her as I know she is not into it at all. I have told her how important it is for me to have physical intimacy with her and her response" Well I can go off my medication and be a ***** to you and maybe have a little more sex drive, or stay on my meds and be nice to you and have no sex drive".

Now the problem other than the wifes sex drive. I did some research tonight and some not so good news came out of it. I look at my cell phone records and a number popped out at me only for the sole reason it was from another state and they seemed to talk for more than 35 minutes each call. And to really piss me off my wife is trying to hide it from me. Every time this individual would call I would be on my night shift at work or he would call before I got home from work. I have my entire work schedule for the year. I crossed refrenced it. What in the hell do I do? I found out who this person is through facebook and HE is a facebook friend of my wifes. And met this guy on a damn casino game. I really want to put a keylogger on her phone, but I can never get it away from her. And she password protects it. Things are starting to add up a little. What would you guys do?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Here, read...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...e-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html#post430739

Pay attention to weightlifting's instructions for using a VAR to record the phone calls, while you're at work.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Beerman, you should have your thread moved to the coping with infidelity section, so you will get the best possible information to help you.

Your W is having an EA most likely. Keylogger is a must in your situation, and you need to put some VARs around the house and maybe in her car to try to catch the gist of these conversations.

Funny how she can't make the time for sex with you, but can have 30+ minute phone calls to some POSOM.


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## Beerman (Jul 18, 2014)

Thanks for the advice. I am pretty stupid when it comes to computers. How do I move this thread into the other section? lol


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Hmm...

So your wife is:

1. depressed
2. not having sex with you
3. giving you an option to either be depressed or have sex with you, but is currently giving you the worst of both worlds
4. chatting online with some dude and hiding it from you

Do I have this right?

And she brings exactly what to the relationship except giving birth to your kids?


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## Beerman (Jul 18, 2014)

Good points Marduk. Really she brings nothing to our relationship. Thats why Im here. Ill take some resposibility in some of the problems we have as I am an "nice guy". I am working on that right now. Our kids are her number 1 priority. And have been sense they were born.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Whatever you do, do NOT let her know that you suspect something is going on.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Get a couple of Voice Activated Recorders and carefully hide them in the house where she probably makes the phone calls. You will hear exactly what she says. Weightlifter is a member here who has stellar info on which model VAR to get and what kind of batteries. Hide and attach the VARs really well so that she won't find them if she vacuums under a piece of furniture.

They do make some VARs which look like a regular pen. You could plant one on a desk as long as you don't think she would notice the new different "pen" and look at it.

Right now it probably isn't necessary, but consider putting a VAR in her car if you think she is making phone calls while driving.

Keylog the computer. You should do a bit of research to find the best software, and be sure you know how to install it before you attempt to install. You don't want to spend a lot of time doing it if she may interrupt you, and you don't want to screw it up and have her discover the keylogger. You may have to find a creative way to pay for it if she keeps your finances.

The keylogger will capture any email accounts she is hiding from you, and give you the passwords. If there are secret accounts or if she is using some kind of messaging program on her computer you will get all the hard data you need about what is really going on.

For now STFU about any suspicions. Don't tip her off that you suspect anything at all. She will just get better at hiding it from you. If you find something, don't reveal it to her! Come here first. You never want to reveal how you found anything, and you want to be strategic in revealing what you know.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Did you ask her why she password protects her phone ? There should be complete transparency in a marriage. And its not like its a work phone. And how long has this been going on for ?


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## Beerman (Jul 18, 2014)

As of now she has no idea about this. I just dont know how to put a keylogger on her phone. She takes it everywhere with her. VAR may be the way to go. I almost feel guilty hiding this from her. But what goes around comes around.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I understand that she doesn't know about this and a VAR or 2 would be a terrific idea. But what happens if your phone is out of charge and you say to her "can I use your phone" - does she unlock it for you or tell you the passcode. Try this - and if she unlocks it for you first, purposely lock it again and say "just give me the passcode - its easier" - the response to this will be very telling!


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## Beerman (Jul 18, 2014)

I have not asked her why she has a password on her phone. She never has until a few months ago. She started talking to this guy in May. I never have had a reason to think she was having an EA. But a few red flags came up and I started to wonder. Some red flags: Over the last month she has been dressing up real nicely around the house. Usually shes got a pony tail and a teeshirt on. Thats what kids do to ya. No time to look pretty. Now everyday she takes an hour or so in the bathroom getting ready. Her hair is always done and she smells good. Another flag. She shaved down there. All of it. She hasnt done that in 10 or so years. hmmmmm........


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Do you know his name? How far away is he? Does he travel to your town? Find out what ever you can about him.


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## Beerman (Jul 18, 2014)

I do know his name. You can find out everything on facebook. He lives in california. As far as I can tell the only communication has been through phone calls. I do not believe he has been to see her. But who knows


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## Beerman (Jul 18, 2014)

We were on a family vacation with her family and our youngest child got sick. So I had to come home with her and take her to the dr. I am going back tommorrow. But this gives me some time to do some"research" of our house. And I have found some telling things. She has changed her email password. I know that for a fact. And its a little telling that all the sexy underwear I have bought for her in the past that she wont wear and is usually barried in the bottom of her drawer, are magically on top now. Wonder of some pictures are being taken?


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

1. Withdrawal of affection
2. Phone evidence
3. Spiffing up appearance (for a long-distance EA)
4. New sexy lingerie

Someone has done their homework. The plot unfolds.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Beerman said:


> I have not asked her why she has a password on her phone. She never has until a few months ago. She started talking to this guy in May. I never have had a reason to think she was having an EA. But a few red flags came up and I started to wonder. Some red flags: Over the last month she has been dressing up real nicely around the house. Usually shes got a pony tail and a teeshirt on. Thats what kids do to ya. No time to look pretty. Now everyday she takes an hour or so in the bathroom getting ready. Her hair is always done and she smells good. Another flag. She shaved down there. All of it. She hasnt done that in 10 or so years. hmmmmm........


  OK. All of a sudden, she's getting all frilly with the nice hair, smelling good, shaving her pubic hair off and your the one begging for sex and very seldom getting it, wearing the sexy underwear all of a sudden, changing her password on her computer and phone and the strange phone number is all I would need.

If it was me, I would find a pay phone or borrow one from a buddy and call the number and see who answers but don't use your phone.

Next thing I would do is take the kids to Grandmas house for a few hours, come back home and then have a real up close and personal "one on one" conversation with the wife and lay it out right in front of her. 

Then of course your going to here her excuses and you listen to what she has to say, and then you tell her that she has caused you to believe that she's up to no good and if her answers aren't up to snuff with you (and I doubt they will be), then you tell her that your making an appointment for a polygraph test and if she fails shes gone and leave it at that. 

Put it in her lap and let her know in a way that your as serious as you've ever been and you will not put up with this crap and will end it if she's lying, then it's up to her and I would insist on having her open up her computer and phone there because there are no secrets in a marriage.

You do this in a way that she know that you mean business and don't let crying or tears get to you because all that does is give her a way out and make you feel like a heel.

There's no reason for what she's doing if your sex life is that bleak. she's not wearing the underwear for you, she didn't shave her box for you and she's not getting all dressed up for you so if not for you, then who is she doing it for.

Honestly she's not doing a real good job hiding whatever she's doing so it's not like your prying. Hell you can see it right in front of you.


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## Beerman (Jul 18, 2014)

Your right everything is right in front of me. But I want to ram the message home. I want to make sure I have all my bases covered before I sit her down. What Do I have to lose really? A marriage, no sex, no intimacy. Hell I got that now. Im going to try to keylog her phone somehow and see how it unfolds.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

It sounds like there is a PA in progress locally, in addition to the EA with the guy she's messaging. I doubt she would be shaving her nether regions for you or for some guy she's messaging.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

*Re: Re: Suspecting wife EA*



Thor said:


> It sounds like there is a PA in progress locally, in addition to the EA with the guy she's messaging. I doubt she would be shaving her nether regions for you or for some guy she's messaging.


Selfies?


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

So when the confrontation all unfolds, you are going to feel a lot of pressure to leave. "I'm leaving you," sort of thing. DO NOT LEAVE. Ask her to leave. It's important psychologically because she needs to realize what she'll be giving up. Hopefully it's just an EA. Often people say they aren't any different, but I personally would way rather deal with an EA than a PA. 

You're going to need to create some pain for her, if there is any hope of snapping her out of it. Most likely she'll just deny and go on the offence and make a bunch of accusations about you. That's pretty much the playbook. Don't expect much resolution or empathy from her. Just think of her like a drug addict and the POSOM is the drug. When it is time you need to be a rock. Tough love is the only thing that may work. and even then it's a long shot.


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## Beerman (Jul 18, 2014)

If she is having a local PA shes really good about hiding it. We have three kids. That equals 6 eyes. There is no one else to take care of the kids other than me. Mind you I have thought the same though. I would hope my kids would tell me if something is going on. I cannot grasp the fact that what she is doing is destroying our family. Our kids are the innocent victims here.


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## Beerman (Jul 18, 2014)

Honetly Im thinking selfies. But I looked at our phone records and do not see her sending any pictures. Maybe she has a app, or is doing facetime with this guy. I do not know yet.


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

First off. You don't know(yet) what your wife is doing when your at work. So, before you do anything, or say anything.... Find out the truth!!!
Here's what I would do. 

Keylogged the PC(Relytec is my preferred keylogger)
Place VARs where she's most likely to talk(I would assume the bedroom)
Find out all you can about the OM(is he married, travel for work..)
Consult with a lawyer. 

If you can't get to her phone, go online and see if you can disable it or drop it in some salted water. This will force her to use the keylogged PC. 
If you have a landline phone, var it or disconnect it from use. 

What kind of cell phone does she have?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Beerman (Jul 18, 2014)

She has an Iphone5s. Reccommended keylogger?


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

For PC .... Relytec. 
For iPhone ..... Teensafe.(I've never used Teensafe, but heard it's pretty good)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

You both should have each others passwords there is no excuse.
But if want to investigate then go ahead.


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## whatslovegottodowithit? (Jan 6, 2013)

Does she use itunes?...see what apps are there in itunes on the computer. If she's using an app for selfies, then you'll know.
What does fb history of messages show? Uploaded pics?
Your wireless carrier?...can you block his number at your carriers website if needed? Can you see her actual txts? Pics? Contacts? 
Ever considered 'accidentally' smashing/stepping on the phone and telling her you will take it to get fixed OR take it to the phone store to transfer the content to a new phone (extreme, I know..thinking out of the box)?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Beerman (Jul 18, 2014)

She does not use Itunes as it is not downloaded on our home pc. I do have access to her facebook and nothing out of the ordinary. Just pics of the kids and grandparents. Our carrier is Tmobile. That would be awesome if I could see her text and pics. As far as smashing the phone...............I am a clumsy SOB!


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

a lot of people talk about keyloggers, but you can find a whole heck of a lot just looking at the internet history or outlook deleted files. I would spend a half hour on the home computer and see what you can find.

a lot of web browsers save search terms, so you can type in things like "cheating" "affair" "hookup site X" and as you start to type, does the computer fill in the full name? If so you know she is looking at questionable stuff.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Beerman said:


> If she is having a local PA shes really good about hiding it. We have three kids. That equals 6 eyes. There is no one else to take care of the kids other than me. Mind you I have thought the same though. I would hope my kids would tell me if something is going on. I cannot grasp the fact that what she is doing is destroying our family. Our kids are the innocent victims here.


She is dolling herself up, wearing the sexy undies, and shaving her vag for someone Beerman. There was a WW member here that was having a 5 year PA, and she said that when her kids were young she would put them to bed and have sex with POSOM right in the house and the kids never knew.


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## whatslovegottodowithit? (Jan 6, 2013)

Beerman said:


> She does not use Itunes as it is not downloaded on our home pc. I do have access to her facebook and nothing out of the ordinary. Just pics of the kids and grandparents. Our carrier is Tmobile. That would be awesome if I could see her text and pics. As far as smashing the phone...............I am a clumsy SOB!


Darn!...if had verizon, there's a way to see txts, pics (if backed-up, default is yes), and contacts if one is the primary acct. holder or authorized by primary acct. holder using their desktop site.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Beerman PM Gus Polinski or Squeakr they are IT guys.
Heck PM both of them.:smthumbup:


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Ask a mod to switch to CWI.
I think you have a good chance to save this m so far.
Right now act stupid and observe for now.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Beerman said:


> She has an Iphone5s. Reccommended keylogger?


Do you know the user ID (it will be an e-mail address) and password for her Apple iTunes account? If so, and if she has iCloud backups turned on, you can use an app like Wondershare Dr. Fone to access the iCloud backups for her device. You should then be able to see any texts, pics, etc that she hasn't deleted, along w/ at least some that have been deleted.

As far as an actual keylogger goes, you'd first have to jailbreak the device, which may or may not be possible (or, at the very least, easy) depending on the version of iOS that it's running.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Do you know the user ID (it will be an e-mail address) and password for her Apple iTunes account? If so, and if she has iCloud backups turned on, you can use an app like Wondershare Dr. Fone to access the iCloud backups for her device. You should then be able to see any texts, pics, etc that she hasn't deleted, along w/ at least some that have been deleted.
> 
> As far as an actual keylogger goes, you'd first have to jailbreak the device, which may or may not be possible (or, at the very least, easy) depending on the version of iOS that it's running.


seconded. Get wondershare dr. fone now! just hook it up to a cable and you can get all the information from the phone. The free trial lets you see all the info, to save it, you need to pay for the full version.

wait until she goes to sleep and get it from her


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Beerman said:


> If she is having a local PA shes really good about hiding it. We have three kids. That equals 6 eyes. There is no one else to take care of the kids other than me. Mind you I have thought the same though. I would hope my kids would tell me if something is going on. I cannot grasp the fact that what she is doing is destroying our family. Our kids are the innocent victims here.


SAHMs are a very high risk group for affairs. Where there's a will, there's a way. I've heard this same story from many men I know in real life.

She could be sending selfies or facetiming this guy long distance, but what about the makeup and nicer clothing? That all sounds like she is seeing someone in real life.


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## Beerman (Jul 18, 2014)

Thanks you all so much for the info. I will see if I can get her Itunes account. In fact I may install it on our computer for my phone and she may follow suit. FYI my operating version of Iphone is 7.1.2 and I know hers is the same as we updated them together. I am leaving for the rest of my family vacation today so I may or may not have internet service. I plan on telling her nothing yet. But I go back on my night shifts for a week starting monday and would like to have some "ears" installed around the house by then. I have read how to jailbreak an Iphone, but I dont want to screw it up. That wouldnt end well.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

The iP5 is a really nice device with a lot of memory on board. She doesn't keep music or podcasts on it?

You could download iTunes for free onto your computer. Especially if you also have an iPhone or iPod or iPad it makes sense to do this. Then if she connects her phone it will back up to the computer, and voila you have all the info you need.

The iPhone has 3 back up options. One option is iCloud which may be what she is using. ALL her photos are stored in the cloud for 30 days. ALL photos. The idea is they would then be automatically downloaded onto her other devices like an iPad or laptop/desktop computer.

With iCloud you could pair up another device on her account without her knowing about it, but you will need her appleid, password, and access to her phone in order to approve the new device. This may not be possible if she is guarding her phone.

The second back up option is to a computer. This is an either/or option. Either back it up to the computer or back it up to the iCloud. If she is using iCloud it won't also back up to iTunes. But if she converts to iTunes then every time she plugs the phone into the computer (to charge it or to sync music/videos/podcasts) it will back everything up on the computer.

The third option is no back up at all. If she isn't using iTunes or iCloud then there is no back up. Thus no way externally to see what she is up to. You'd have to access her phone somehow.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I still do not understand why you don't ask for her phone password under the guise of wanting to use it as I mentioned before ?


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## Mulder (Jul 9, 2014)

Question for the IT guys - is there something you can put on your HOME network so that it captures everything any device is doing (websites, key logger, etc)? I've seen threads like this and I can't imagine someone jailbreaking their spouses iPhone and loading a key logger directly.

Beerman - I feel for you. I'll give you some advice from my side of things having been a bad guy in the relationship. You're in a tough spot right now as your wife clearly is checking herself out of your relationship and the dopamine rush of having something enticing her outside of the marriage is clouding any little rationalization a woman has. To save this will take a MULTI-PRONGED approach.

Has she communicated to you that there is anything lacking in the marriage? Do you think there has been something lacking in the marriage? (If everything is great and it is just the sex then you aren't acting attractive enough - I know how this goes - you can think you are the most attractive guy and be completely stupid about over-caring nice guy stuff that will turn her off - this is what I am suspecting).

Many people here on TAM think that you should bail on the cheater and never look back. My story is a good example of how that doesn't necessarily have to happen, especially if you have kids...you CAN turn this around. But you have to decide now - if you want to blow up this affair and SAVE your marriage? OR if you want to find out about this affair just to blow it up and then leave her.

If you try to shut down the affair right now without a plan then she may make that decision for you....taking all control out of your hands. If my wife had tried to blow up my cheating activity while i was checking out of the relationship I would have just left her.

So if you want to save this, then my approach is this (I'm not yoda so this is not the only way keep in mind):
1. stay vigilant on watching for the EA or PA. Do your best to track if she isn't wearing the sexy underwear for you - then why? DO NOT ASK HER! Her rationalization hamster will go apish*t and say that she does it to feel sexy and that doesn't mean that it has to result in hot monkey sex with you - then she'll tell you that you are being creepy observing her underwear activity and then she'll throw them all away. (just a hunch).
3. If you find out about an affair then either go into c*ckblocking mode so that it cannot happen, or move to confront the man who is moving in on your woman. Send him a message loud and clear that he will stop talking to your woman, and if he is married copy his wife on the message. Be dominant. Anticipate her deciding that she wants out anyway and talk to her about saving the marriage, the kids, everything you built together, and that you will take responsibility to making this marriage awesome and exciting alternative to her activities.
3. read up on NMMNG and MMSL. Become a sexy manly man. work out, Go out with your friends, be harder to get (be busy with productive, manly things and not doting on her day and night).

Keep posting her and venting here - do not start into any "relationship" conversations with her.

Good luck - I'll keep checking in.


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## SevenYears (Jun 23, 2014)

I would have to agree with Thor. She's very likely having a PA with someone. You said she hasn't sent any picture messages. So why else would she need to doll herself up and shave down below.

And regarding the children. They don't always mention when someone is over especially if they are told not to. I know someone who was sleeping with a married woman while her 10 year old was in the living room. He told him if he said anything to his Dad he would take his playstation. Though you would have to be a crappy parent to allow or do that. Obviously his was.

I don't know much about VAR's and keylogging bu there are plenty of people on here who can help out.

If it turns out to be a PA/EA, and I'd be surprised if it isn't, she won't be able to use the excuse anymore that the meds have got rid of her sex drive.

Best of luck.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

You can't rug sweep or minimize. Your marriage is in cardiac arrest and time is ticking. If you need to take a week or two to gather information then so be it but other than that, you've got to blow this up sooner rather than later.

Exposure to her family and a separation to wake her up would help. You know she's justifying this as your fault and that he's just a friend. You also know there's a 99.99% chance it will be PA (physical) unless to stop it. If you do stop it then she'll try to say it would never have been physical but don't let her rug sweep that either.

The things you need to do are about you taking care of yourself. Life is too short and we only get one. By the way being a hard a$$, holding her accountable for what she's already done, exposing the truth and accepting nothing less than loyalty is your best chance of true reconciliation if that's what you want. Anything less is your best way of being hurt and going into false reconciliation.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Whatever you do, don't confront her without explicit iron clad proof.

If you do (and it's easy to do, trust me, you're hurt and looking for her to say it isn't true), it will likely blow up in your face, with her spouting "you don't trust me" and "you're insecure."

And drive her deeper underground and towards the other guy.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

marduk said:


> Whatever you do, don't confront her without explicit iron clad proof.
> 
> If you do (and it's easy to do, trust me, you're hurt and looking for her to say it isn't true), it will likely blow up in your face, with her spouting "you don't trust me" and "you're insecure."
> 
> And drive her deeper underground and towards the other guy.


He should dig a little for proof of PA if it's there but beyond that, the phone records are proof that it's inappropriate and unacceptable. To think this isn't already betrayal would be rug sweeping.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

marduk said:


> Whatever you do, *don't confront her without explicit iron clad proof.*


:iagree:

Otherwise, she will go underground just like marduk said.


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

Best way to confront is while she's in the act. Take Monday night off and bust her good!!! Make sure you have keys to all the lock doors in house, especially the bedroom door.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Beerman said:


> Thanks you all so much for the info. I will see if I can get her Itunes account. In fact I may install it on our computer for my phone and she may follow suit. FYI my operating version of Iphone is 7.1.2 and I know hers is the same as we updated them together. I am leaving for the rest of my family vacation today so I may or may not have internet service. I plan on telling her nothing yet. But I go back on my night shifts for a week starting monday and would like to have some "ears" installed around the house by then. I have read how to jailbreak an Iphone, but I dont want to screw it up. That wouldnt end well.


Don't bother w/ installing iTunes. Just get Wondershare Dr. Fone and use it to pull info either directly from her phone or from the iCloud backups of her phone.

Also, I'm not quite certain, but I don't believe that there is a reliable jailbreak for iOS 7.1.2 just yet. If you decide to go that route once there is, though, there are ways to conceal the fact that it has been jailbroken.


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## wamsgr (Jul 20, 2014)

Sounds like the same crap I was going through 5 months ago. She is in a fog where she doesn't see the affair (the emotional part at least) as anything wrong. The fact is, it's all cheating. The elements of secrecy, frequency and duration define it as such. I had all my evidence together at the time of confrontation. Problem is this "fog" doesn't allow the cheating wife to see the obvious. They rationalize and shift blame very well in this "fog".
Let me give you a few bits of advice on things I should have done better. 
1. Don't fear her wrath over you snooping around her stuff. You are a reasonable, honest person who has only done so because he had to.
2. Don't make any decisions too early, like "I want to work this out" or "I forgive you". Those are easy to say but very difficult to do. She will have to show contrition and willingness to change in order to earn those things from you (ie: your forgiveness and your staying with her). Your priorities right now have to be your children, yourself and finding out the truth.
3. Total "No-Contact" with the affair partner(s) is the only way recovery will have a chance. In my case, the OM was a former co-worker and long time friend of hers. What finally broke her out of the "fog" was my ultimatum: No contact with him or this will end in divorce.
4. Don't give up your evidence sources. There are many ways to find stuff on her accounts. So don't tell her how you got them. Remember you didn't choose this. She put this dilemma on you and your family. You didn't want to look did you? But you knew you had to.
5. Find a healthy outlet to deal with the crap. It will take you to some dark places. I nearly became an alcoholic. Turn it into a reason to make healthy changes in your lifestyle. You can do it, and it will help sustain you.
6. Don't think you can get over it super fast. You will have triggers that make you as angry and hurt as the day of discovery. It sucks, but it's normal. Find a punching bag or a gym. Don't take it out on yourself or your kids or the walls of your home.
7. Some will disagree with this. But one of the greatest steps to restoring my manhood was confronting the OM. For me it was a short, 5 minute phone call. There was no argument, threats, discussion or raised voices. I basically told him I knew what was going on and it was going to end. It was a great healing step for me.

My marriage is still intact. There are still tough moments and bad days. But it is getting better. If your wife shows remorse, and admits her betrayals, then you have a chance. If not, then you're in for a battle. When you do confront, she will be defensive. So give her some time to come around (but not too much time). She will call it a friendship. She will have excuses and lame explanations. She may be unwilling to call it an affair or cheating at all. You gotta keep your confrontation calm and lay out the facts. It's hard, but try not to yell or scream or rip doors off hinges. Just lay it all out there, and make it clear what you expect going forward.
You will get through this. It sucks, but it will make you a stronger person in the end. Good luck my friend..


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## Beerman (Jul 18, 2014)

Ok Im back. Im exaetusted from vacation,but Im back. Thank you all so much for the info and replying. The last day or so I have learned some more infomation I would like to share. Of course we didnt have internet so she couldnt use her apps to text back and forth. So she used the tmobile network. And of course it showed up on my account. Same guy, numerous text. I also have been paying quite close attention to her(she has no clue) and have been writing down times when shes texting, so I can cross refrence it with my phone bill. It worked. I have been making some more close obervations about her and have put them in my phone. I have tried numerous passwords so far on her phone but to no avail. I did find out she has 2 apps I didnt know she had. Skype for Iphone, and Walkie-Talkie PTT. As soon as I found out about these I remembered she keeps her earphones next to her bed. She aint listening to music. She has seemed a little withdrawled from her family last night and this morning and have seen her texting somebody many times. She even said she was going to take a nap when she got home. Bull****. Texting. 

So today when I got home I really needed to clean my truck out(sand everywhere) so I went to the local electronic store. No vaccums, oh well. But I did find VAR. Got 2 of them. Again I start my night shifts tomorrow. We will see what happends.


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## Beerman (Jul 18, 2014)

I really want to start MAP soon. Should I wait till I blow this thing up?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

What kind of VARs did you buy? The Sony ICDPX333's are very nice, and have been recommended by a few folks here. Pair them w/ lithium batteries for maximum record time, as well as plenty of Velcro. You should also buy some cheapie headphones at the local dollar store, plug them into the headphone jack, and snip off all but the plug... that way, if something happens (wife hits a bump while driving, for example) and the VAR goes from record mode to play mode, she won't hear anything.

Also, it sounds like you're trying to figure out the lock code for her phone... do you know the user ID and password that she uses for her Apple iTunes account? If so, and if she has iCloud backups enabled on her phone, you can use an app like Wondershare Dr. Fone to retrieve undeleted texts and pics (as well as at least some of any that have been recently deleted) from her online backups.

If she is indeed cheating, is that a deal-breaker for you? What if it's actually a PA?


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## Beerman (Jul 18, 2014)

Thats exactally what I bought!


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## Beerman (Jul 18, 2014)

Wow, as of right now not sure. I remember years ago, even before we got married I would not put up with cheating at all. Now kids are involved. But let me tell you this. If it is a PA and I do catch her. Im done! I know everyone is not perfect in this world and we all make mistakes. But that one.......you dont make.


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## Beerman (Jul 18, 2014)

Is it a good Idea to put earphones on them now, even though Im not putting them in the car?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Take a look at this...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/208202-need-advice-my-wife-cheating.html#post9673954

This is poster weightlifter's standard evidence gathering post, as appended by poster MattMatt (at WL's request, as he was more or less AFK at the time) in another thread. Browse through it for instructions on configuring the VARs -- pay special attention to the input regarding the bit rate setting. Setting it low will result in smaller file sizes (which, honestly, w/ 4 GB of onboard memory, isn't even an issue) but the flipside is that you may be unable to hear anything clearly.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Beerman said:


> Wow, as of right now not sure. I remember years ago, even before we got married I would not put up with cheating at all. Now kids are involved. But let me tell you this. If it is a PA and I do catch her. Im done! I know everyone is not perfect in this world and we all make mistakes. But that one.......you dont make.


Prepare yourself for the worst.

And, since it would seem that we've arrived at the point where this advice is typically given, allow me to echo weightlifter's standard input on this topic...

If you begin to hear what you even think may be your wife engaging in sexual activity w/ another man, stop playback, make a backup, put it in a secure location, and have a trusted friend listen to the rest of the recording in order to either confirm or (hopefully) debunk your suspicions.

Hearing your wife in the throes of passion w/ another man will wreck you like nothing else. There are several folks here on TAM that can attest to this.


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## kcon (Jul 21, 2014)

It sounds to me like the Mrs. is definitely up to no good. You really do need to confront her ASAP though. It is all well and good to 'collect' evidence, but you are risking her falling even deeper into whatever this is while you wait. 

You need to ensure that the kids are not home, 'surprise' her with some kind of dinner, and record the entire conversation on an audio device. DO NOT TELL her you are audio recording her. This is completely legal and only one person need know the conversation is being recorded in order for it to be admissible. 

If I were you, I would make child care arrangements for your kids or take a few days off yourself. Be prepared to tell her she needs to pack her things and find somewhere else to go if her answers cannot be accounted for. Let her see what it feels like to not have you. 

She has taken you for granted, and this needs to be corrected.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

kcon said:


> It sounds to me like the Mrs. is definitely up to no good. You really do need to confront her ASAP though. It is all well and good to 'collect' evidence, but you are risking her falling even deeper into whatever this is while you wait.


This is a double-edged sword. Wait too long and she slides deeper and deeper, "soft" confront (i.e. w/o hard evidence) and she takes things further underground.

I say wait and watch... for now.



kcon said:


> You need to ensure that the kids are not home, 'surprise' her with some kind of dinner, and record the entire conversation on an audio device. DO NOT TELL her you are audio recording her. This is completely legal and only one person need know the conversation is being recorded in order for it to be admissible.


Depends on the state; some states require only one-party consent -- other's require both. And this is assuming, of course, that OP lives in the States.

As for the rest...



kcon said:


> If I were you, I would make child care arrangements for your kids or take a few days off yourself. Be prepared to tell her she needs to pack her things and find somewhere else to go if her answers cannot be accounted for. Let her see what it feels like to not have you.
> 
> She has taken you for granted, and this needs to be corrected.


Again, _patience_.


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## Beerman (Jul 18, 2014)

Like I said. I am on my night shifts starting tomorrow I will see what happends. If I can tell or hear that something is changing for the worst, I will take action. But in my case, in order for her to understand I need firm evidence. I agree with Gus plus a agree with kcon. It is a double edge sword. Btw she hasnt talked to this guy in a couple days. Thats why I think she will so something tommorrow......maybe


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

You MUST have hard evidence to confront. Right now there is some tiny probability she is not in an affair. Tiny, but not zero. Which is why you are wondering what is really going on, and why you are using VARs.

If you confront before you have hard data she will gaslight you. She will come up with some kind of explanation which might be possibly true. And thus you will be in the same place you are now, not knowing for sure. She will be emboldened to continue her affair because she has bullsh1tted you successfully. Then she'll find better ways to hide her activities.

You can confront with no evidence but only if you're willing to go nuclear from the beginning by handing her divorce papers in the initial confront. Tell her she has to PROVE to you her loyalty and she has to PROVE to you nothing happened. Otherwise the divorce goes through.

Better, though, is to take the few days necessary to gather solid intel before the confront. Only a few days, not weeks.


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## Mulder (Jul 9, 2014)

You want to start MAP asap - because it is for YOU. You want to be as attractive as you can in your relationship and be the best alternative she has to any affair.

I would be unable to work if I knew my wife is texting another guy and I she doesn't know I know and she has the house all to herself at night while I am gone at work.

If you have enough money - can you get a Private Investigator??

Just think Sting - I'll be watching you. 

Good luck dude. Prayers going out to you.


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## retiredvet (Jul 27, 2014)

The sad part is if she is having an affair, and the marriage ends, chances are you are going to pay thru the nose...and for a long time based on the ages of your children....


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

OP is posting in Considering Divorce or Separation


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