# I need to fantasise about other women during sex



## orange_ (Apr 18, 2013)

So you've read the title - here's the story

I'm 28, male, and I've been with my current girlfriend for 8 months. That may not sound like a long time to most of you but it is by FAR the longest relationship I have ever had.

I've genuinely never met a girl like her before. She is the least selfish person I have ever known. She is madly in love with me and would do anything for me. She never gets stroppy or bossy... and she can do the manly things I cannot like change a car tyre!

However, there is a big problem.. and it's sexual.

As I've mentioned above, I've never really had a serious relationship before. I have no idea why. It's all I have ever wanted. I was a fat kid and didn't have my first girlfriend until I was 19. I was also obsessed with shows like Friends, The Office and now How I Met Your Mother - as well as any chick flick going - so as you can probably tell I live in a fantasy land where the girls are flawlessly beautiful and there is such a thing as happily ever after - manly, huh?!

Anyway, where were we.. Once I lost the weight, I found it easier to get the girls. And I was obsessed with the hot ones. I based everything, absolutely everything on looks (because everyone is basically nice, really, right?). It wasn't until I found myself single at 27 and having only ever had two 3 month relationships that I realised something needed to change.

I decided enough was enough. The next girl I meet.. I'm basing it ALL on personality. And that's when I met my current girlfriend.

Having sex with her was initially a struggle because I was forcing the chemistry - I was so determined to see this personality thing through. After I while I found I could only ever get it up by going on top and kissing her neck so I wasn't looking at her face, eyes closed, and fantasising about some truly awesome sex I had with a couple of f*** buddies I once had.

She doesn't know I do this.

I genuinely can't remember if this is the first time I have done this however. I actually think I've done this before, with one-nighters and f*ck buddies etc. Not all the time though. I think it might just be a habit now.

Anyway, I know she's not attractive. But I do really love her. These last months have been the happiest of my life. But I'm constantly thinking about other women when we're having sex, Constantly looking at other girls and get angry that my girlfriend doesn't look like that (God, it'd be so much easier if she was attractive) and I don't know if I should just confess all to her.

I actually told her tonight everything apart from the Title. I kept that part back as I thought it'd be too damaging. She was understandably devastated. She is suggesting a 2 week break so I can really think about things

In summary, I'm 28 and the best I can do is 8 months. I'm terrified of dying alone, and I know looks fade in the end. It's only skin deep.. But can I really go the rest of my life (if I stay with her) thinking about other women whilst having sex?


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## northland (Apr 13, 2012)

Yes.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Oh god please, no!

Leave this poor girl, and go find one who will fantasize about The Rock instead of you, while you fantasize about whoever. That is the only way you are going to have a mutually satisfying relationship.

Well that or actually address your own intimacy issues so you can be present during sex. But you didn't seem to consider that as an option so, go with the first one I said. Easier, and fair at least.


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## orange_ (Apr 18, 2013)

Well then Faithful Wife.... Do you think I have intimacy issues? Is that my problem? How I can even address them - other than posting my problem online!


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Faithful Wife said:


> Oh god please, no!
> 
> Leave this poor girl, and go find one who will fantasize about The Rock instead of you, while you fantasize about whoever. That is the only way you are going to have a mutually satisfying relationship.
> 
> Well that or actually address your own intimacy issues so you can be present during sex. But you didn't seem to consider that as an option so, go with the first one I said. Easier, and fair at least.


 I agree with the above.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

As hard as that was, you did the right thing. We can't force chemistry, that special click we get when we meet the eyes of the person we love. 

Sure you could go the rest of you life fantasizing about other women while you have sex with whomever you marry. But, is that fair to the person you marry?


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Thinking about other women during sex is normal. 

What is not normal is thinking of your spouse as this unattractive, almost to the point of being repulsed by her. Getting angry that she does not look like other girls.


Rodney Dangerfield used to say that his wife liked to talk during sex. So she would call Rodney on the phone from her boyfriend's house. About the same level of respect here.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

orange_ said:


> Do you think I have intimacy issues?


I think you just don't fancy your girl friend.

Lust is pure chemistry...not something you can force. If sex is this difficult and lacking in passion now imagine what it will be like 10 years down the track with a mortgage and a couple of kids thrown into the equation.

How can you two be connecting in bed when your closing your eyes and imaging some else. I like to have some eye contact when I'm being intimate... maybe your girl would like that too.

Let the poor girl go and find someone who will love and cherish and adore her... this must be heart breaking for her.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

yep your not relationship material until you get squared away on this.

if this happens with every girl no matter if shes pretty or not then some counselling of some sort is needed.

when you find the right one you will think shes pretty even when she at her worst . and she should feel the same.

JMHO


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Having sex with someone who is clearly with someone else in his head the whole time, every time, is among the most soul-destroying experiences it's possible to have. Random fantasies here and there during sex is one thing. Wishing and pretending that the woman you are with, the woman who loves you and whom you profess to care about, is someone else each time you two have sex is quite another. If the later scenario describes you, please do your girlfriend the extreme kindness of getting out now.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I foresee this two week break lasting forever.

No one wants a lover who doesn't want them.

Move on
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Yes, I think you have intimacy issues. There are many books and resources for this.

But basically, you need to realize that by fantasizing about someone other than who you are with, while you are with them, is a way you are keeping that person from really knowing you. It is a way that you are protecting yourself from being vulnerable. If you have to "see" them and not an imaginary lover, then they will "see" you too, and this is what you are protecting yourself from.

Usually this type of issue comes about because you have trained your body to only be able to get off in one way (the images in your head).

A first step to overcome this would be learning to masterbate without any mental or physical images to look at. If you need an image, get naked in front of a mirror and use your own body's beauty as your turn on. 

This is a good exercise for anyone, really. It is a way to connect sexually to yourself! Very necessary to be able to do this, before you can connect with someone else.


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## urnotme (Jun 1, 2012)

I agree with the above posters. It is soul destroying to be with someone who doesn't want you.


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## catfan (Jan 12, 2013)

She is not the right one for you, and you sure aren't the right one for her. 
Stop fooling yourself and her and move on please...


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## orange_ (Apr 18, 2013)

I really do wish that I could find a way to be with her and be totally happy. I'd love to make her happy because she deserves nothing less.

The attractive thing - If she walked past me in the street, I probably wouldn't pay much attention. But she's not ugly.. when she puts in the effort. That might sound harsh but I'm trying to be as objective as possible. What's the point of an internet forum if you can't be totally honest??

Maybe the 13 years of watching porn has melted my brain a little...


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## Jane_Doe (Aug 9, 2012)

Reading the original post broke my heart.

I'm not very attractive either - objectively - and I've been with a man who preferred fantasy over reality. I've felt like dogsh!t in bed next to someone who I love, and assumed it was me and that's all I deserved for not being pretty or thin enough. For about 6 years, on and off.

Now? I'm surprised every day that my husband is ravenous for me, looks deeply into my eyes and says I'm beautiful, can't keep his hands off me, and truly makes me happy.

So the best thing you can do for yourself and her is to let her go. You need to work out what mix of looks and personality is right for you. And if you really want her to be happy, let her be happy with someone who finds her unconditionally gorgeous.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

When you settle, then your waisting your time and hers. It's that simple. The other details in your post are distracting from that obvious truth.

Maybe you settled out of fear (of being alone, or unable to find more). Don't get me wrong, people prioritize all of the time and that's part of reality but you've created an intolerable situation. You don't have to settle for someone you're not attracted to in order to feel safe or secure or like you have the upper hand.

To me it seems like a sh!tty thing to do to yourself and a sh!tty thing to do to your girl. You both deserve better.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Stop watching porn. If you detox off of it long enough your brain will learn to find normal women attractive.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

orange_ said:


> and she can do the manly things I cannot like change a car tyre!


That probably has more to do with the inability to keep a relationship than this does:




> I was obsessed with the hot ones. I based everything, absolutely everything on looks (because everyone is basically nice, really, right?).


This is so odd because my experience with beautiful, intelligent, and athletic girls has been that yes, they were very nice people. 

This borders on saying beautiful girls are bad people. 

And looks are keys to personality types. I went for athletic girls because I was an athlete so there were many lifestyle signals sent by a girl with a decent musculature. I imagine the same thing would be true for what others consider beauty. Like the guys who want make-up, heels, fancy hair-do's and etc. They want to wait three hours for their girl to get ready for going out of the house.


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## orange_ (Apr 18, 2013)

Wiserforit said:


> This is so odd because my experience with beautiful, intelligent, and athletic girls has been that yes, they were very nice people.
> 
> This borders on saying beautiful girls are bad people.


I'm not saying that beautiful girls are bad people. I was saying actually that everyone is basically "nice". But there's a difference between that and what she is. She is so kind and so supportive and so genuine and selfless. She treats me in a way I have never been treated before.

She told me she doesn't think she'll ever be able to love anyone as much as she loves me. And that she'd do anything to make this work...


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## Jane_Doe (Aug 9, 2012)

You can't really think those are her honest feelings if you haven't yet told her you fantasise about other women during sex. If you tell her, she might change her mind really quick on that one.


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## I got this (Feb 25, 2013)

You shouldn't have to force unless you are dead tired or ill but still want to meet the needs of your spouse.

This is a case of poorly placed determination of meeting a goal


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Attraction is essential in long term relationships. It's great that you wanted to make personality more important, but the issue is basing it _all_ on personality. For many people, a persons physical attractiveness is important. It was for me and my husband. Without attraction/lust, there is no sexual chemistry. Without sexual chemistry, there's so sexual satisfaction...no real intimacy. Imagining other women while having sex is _faking_ your sexual interest. This poor girl. 

You love her. Great. A lot of sexless marriages are filled with couples who "love" each other, but would give anything to have the other want to f- them. The only thing more heart shattering than realizing the person you love doesn't desire you sexually, is being cheated on. Seriously, you can find a girl you're sexually attracted to _and_ who has a great personality.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

There are plenty of physically gorgeous women are who also selfless, genuine, sincere and loving. Thundarr said it best: you _both_ deserve better. As individuals, are sexual desires aren't the same. What you find sexy, others won't. My husband said he would never date an ugly girl. He knew himself, his desires. You know your desires too. 

Let this girl go. She WILL find love again. And it will be very different than what the two of you have. You'll also find love again, too. And it will be much healthier for you and her to be with other people.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

I think it's an absolute MUST to be physically attracted to your partner. 

I've only ever heard about people losing attraction towards their partner if say over the years they've gained too much weight, etc.

OP, unless her face is going to magically change to attractive overnight, I suggest you do the fair thing and end this R


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Jane_Doe said:


> You can't really think those are her honest feelings if you haven't yet told her you fantasise about other women during sex. If you tell her, she might change her mind really quick on that one.


Actually she'll wonder what she's doing wrong and try even harder to fix it and inflate orange's ego more in the process.


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## in_disbelief (Nov 29, 2010)

I wasn't attracted to my boyfriend because of his stunning looks. He is not that fit for example.
Even though he's not the most attractive man I know, when we have sex I never think about anyone else and I've never wished he looked different. 
I find his personality attractive so I love his looks as well and he gets me excited even if he's not that hot. If this isn't your case, then maybe it's not love. It wouldn't matter then that she's not that good-looking. 
It sounds like she's a good friend that you're forcing yourself to see as a girlfriend, not to feel shallow.


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

orange_ said:


> Maybe the 13 years of watching porn has melted my brain a little...



There it is!!

I'm late to this thread but as I read along I knew at some point the OP would bring up his porn use. That's too bad, because as you can see it has led him to this life of dissatisfaction with an available and kind woman. He needs the fantasy just to get by in reality.

Look, take care of the basics first. You need to get rid of the porn from your life, and get back to reality. I know there are a lot of people who post here who think there is nothing wrong with porn - but here is a prime example of why it is bad - because here is a guy that has gotten used to getting himself off to fantasy images of women and he can't find satisfaction with a real woman, and he blames her attractiveness for that.

I am not going to disagree with anyone here who says that chemistry is important. I know that, but this guy wants more than your basic two H's meet an O, because he has amped himself up on watching rocket science.


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## creative (Apr 23, 2013)

Beauty is such a common thing, it's the personality that is hard to find. Sure there are plenty of hot chicks out there who we would like to bang but In their heads, there is plenty of selfish guys to be used and they don't really give a **** about you aaa person. Decide on what YOU want and don't put any chicks down for what they look like, that's such an OMEGA MALE, not an ALPHA MALE. Show EMPATHY and LOVE, for yourself and towards EVERYONE who you meet and is already in your life and you will have your wishes fulfilled. If you can't be present with you're chick while you are enjoying her sexually, let her go free so SHE can enjoy a guy who she can truly connect with on a deeper level. 

AT LEAST YOU OWE HER THAT.


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## Gruff (Feb 27, 2012)

Don't ever get married, unless you tell them beforehand, 'we're going to have problems when your beauty fades'.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

Man up and learn to change a tire.

Sounds like your girlfriend is more of a nurturing, mother figure to you. The relationship is not working, will never work.

Lay off the porn. You're in danger of ending up like one of those men who sits in a dark room wanking in front of fake images on a screen for hours a day, unable to make a connection with anybody. That's a pretty sad existence.

And last, you don't have to 'settle down' at 28. You have time to find someone you can have a mutually satisfying relationship with.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

orange_ said:


> So you've read the title - here's the story
> 
> I'm 28, male, and I've been with my current girlfriend for 8 months. That may not sound like a long time to most of you but it is by FAR the longest relationship I have ever had.
> 
> ...


You are far too analytical. Forcing yourself into a relationship based on a cold intellectual decision, rather than letting biology do the work, is unfair on yourself and the partner you are bound to hurt. You can't divide personality and attraction into discrete silos and decide which one to prioritise. She has to do it for you as a package.

If you had no sexual desire for her in the beginning how do you think things are going to be when you have been sharing a bathroom for 15 years and you have watched her squeeze a gooey baby out of her vagina? 

Sexual attraction is vital. It can't be just ignored.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

johnnycomelately said:


> and you have watched her squeeze a gooey baby out of her vagina?


 Ew.


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

pink_lady said:


> Ew.


Wow, I did not expect a woman to say this...

I was there for both of my kids being born - most beautiful thing I ever saw...


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## northland (Apr 13, 2012)

sparkyjim said:


> Wow, I did not expect a woman to say this...
> 
> I was there for both of my kids being born - most beautiful thing I ever saw...


Me too.

But I could have skipped the episiotomy. And the part where they partially removed her uterus, flipped it onto her belly and zapped the fibroids. I can still smell them burning as I write this.

I guess I could have looked away but it's like when you pass a bad accident, you can't help scanning for blood and body parts.


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## center1 (Jan 25, 2013)

Wait, YOU were the fat, unattractive kid and now you see no value in anyone outside of their looks? Wow. Therapy. That's all I can suggest kiddo. You've got some maturing to do. I'm not trying to insult you, it's just the truth. You are going to learn so much about relationships going forward. I was married to a model and I couldn't stand him touching me after about 4 years because he had nothing on the inside. If you marry based on looks, I GUARANTEE (unless you are empty headed yourself) that you will someday find yourself lonely and willing to be with the ugliest person on earth as long as she has a personality.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

waiwera said:


> I think you just don't fancy your girl friend.
> 
> Lust is pure chemistry...not something you can force. If sex is this difficult and lacking in passion now imagine what it will be like 10 years down the track with a mortgage and a couple of kids thrown into the equation.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

We bond with our partners during sex, but in your case this is one sided. You're 'bonding' with your fantasies.

I hope one day you meet someone you can truly love and be attracted to, but right now I would let this woman go so that she can find someone who can truly love her.


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## MissMe (Feb 26, 2013)

Let the awesome, ugly woman find someone that will fully appreciate her. It's not you. 

I wish I hadn't read this one.


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## nothingtodeclare (Apr 13, 2013)

*Re: Re: I need to fantasise about other women during sex*



center1 said:


> Wait, YOU were the fat, unattractive kid and now you see no value in anyone outside of their looks?..


Not whay OP said at all. He sees tons of value in her, just not in the bedroom.


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