# Emotional affair advice



## tg-1 (Jan 21, 2009)

Hi there, it's nearly 5:00 am here and I cant sleep...
and I need to share my pain. and ask for advice...

I have been married for over 5 years, and we have been together for over 13 years. we have to boys 8.5 and 4 my eldest has mild Autism.

our relationship had ups and downs over the years, mainly my wife kept feeling that I do not listen to her, or I do not show her I fancied her or love her enough, and I keep trying to improve and show her how much I do lover her. as I was working from home over the last 7 years, I got myself in to a slum of not shaving, not getting properly dressed etc. also my work was getting on top of me with stress, and not having a 9-5 routine. 

7 month ago I started working away from home, meeting new people and looking after myself better.

at around the same time, I began to feel that my wife was talking about a certain Mark, saying they met on a course and the meet for lunch now and again, which I did not mind, even when he start giving her lifts to work. but something started to feel odd, and I felt I could not confront her with 'feeling odd' so I committed the sin of going through her emails, and found that she has been meeting almost on a daily basis, and the kind of relationship they had over email I felt was inappropriate outside our marriage. also she confided in a friend saying that she do not think she 'fancied him' but she has a small crush on him, which 'may o away or get stronger...' I confronted her with that and she was very apologetic in the beginning, saying how sorry she was, the next day, she was 'angry' with me for violating her privacy, which I have apologized for, but still felt I am the hurt party in this. 

to cut the story short, I promised not to spy on her, and she promised not to speak to him, as "he is not important to her".

long story short she kept emailing him after that, and I kept spying and finding that out, this happened 3 times in a space of 3 month. that last time, I promised not to spy on her. and over the last two month I did not spy on her, I kept the pain and hurt to myself (as much as I could) and told myself I have to trust her. 

after two month of not spying, today she left her laptop open, and I wanted to reassure myself, and I found out she is still communicating with him, and working out a system of deleting emails from him. 

She does not know I know that, and I do not want her to turn the tables on me by accusing me of spying etc. 

I do not have her password, and today was the first time in 2 month I did it, only to be hurt again. 

what should I do, I am in a lot of pain... having to go to work in a few hours and pretend everything is normal...


----------



## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

What your wife is doing is wrong. She is having an emotional affair and she needs to put a stop to it now. Have you thought of councelling? Suggest it to her and see what she thinks. My husband had an emotional affair, something he'll deny even now. Our hunches serve us well and where there's smoke there's fire. Married people shouldn't have close friends of the opposite sex, unless they are long standing friends. I usually find giving someone an ultimatum is forcing them to make a choice they don't want to make anyway. It's not productive. There is no easy way to get through this but since you have two young children, one with special needs it's pertinent you try everything you can to save your marriage. Hopefully your wife is receptive to councelling. If she refuses to go discuss with her calmly why this affair hurts you so much. Good luck to you.


----------



## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Sorry to hear what you're going through. The statistics are that 80% of marriages with an autistic child end in divorce. If I may suggest a possible course of action. This involves some brinksmanship. 

Right her a note, saying that you are going to leave her. Tell her that you looked on her open computer and saw that she has continued the emotional affair with the other man. 

"Well darling. I am making arrangements to leave you. Seeing as I obviously don't trust you, and you obviously can't be trusted this is the only option left. You have betrayed me yet again. And have continued your emotional affair with this other man. You want your privacy? Fine, I'll leave you to it. I tried to believe you, but when you love someone as much as I love you, you can't help but know when someone else has been brought into your marriage. Being as you obviously love this other person enough to lie repeatedly to the man you promised forever to, the only option left is to bow out and see if you can be faithful to someone who may be able to make you happy. It is apparent that you can't be faithful to me. I have taken responsibility for my actions in the past and have endeavored to change those areas that I have been complacent in. I know that this will be rough on the kids and everyone involved, and my heart is breaking over this situation. But what I require of you is to much to ask.....transparency. You won't give it, and I can't make you. I looked at our wedding photo imagining myself replaced in the picture with your laptop computer. It would be funny if it wasn't so tragic. I love you and wish things could have been different. Its just so hard to believe it. Coming to the realization that our marriage is crumbling. The arrangements will take time. So I am asking your patience while things are prepared. I love you, and truly wish only happiness for you in the future. I just wish it could have been with me."

Write this note. And leave it where she will find it before you go to work. Now this is the hard part. You need to take off your wedding ring and put it on top of the note. 

You will notice that it doesn't say you are leaving it says that you are "preparing to leave". If she is contrite and humbly begs your forgiveness, then you give her your demands. 

1. Demand all passwords and that she not use the computer without you in the room. Install a keylogger on her computer without telling her, so you can see if she continues the EA.

2. Marriage counseling.

3. You want to see her write and send a "no contact email" or better yet if she has his phone number, get him on a speaker phone where she tells him in front of you that it is over and that she has sent an NC email to him.

4. If the other man is married and you can notify his wife. DO IT! She can control him from her side with the same demands.

Do not promise to stay. Promise to consider staying if she changes. But as of right now you are preparing, if only mentally and emotionally to leave. She needs to be a mascara and snot running mess over this. She needs to be terrified that you will leave her. This is a strong stand. But man up and do it. You have been betrayed. She has ZERO rights to privacy at this point. If she has been calling him you will need 2 or 3 voice activated recorders. 1 in her car. 1 by the phone in the family room and one in the bedroom. Please consider this course of action. If she loves you and (I think she does) this could work for you.


----------



## tg-1 (Jan 21, 2009)

Thanks for the advice, 
Since I wrote this, I have sent a text to my wife saying, _please tell me the truth_, I feel you are holding out on me. I got a long text back saing that _"we have been through this and I cannot go through it anymore" _and she rang me crying saying that she had no contact with him and that I should belive her. and stop going over old ground. If I did not read the emails myself I would have belived her! I got to a point that I doubt if really did see these emails... 

I still have not told her I know, and as I have not copied the emails (as I have done before) if she deletes them, I would not have proof.

We Both love are kids very much, and our kids are not a straign on our relationship.

As for Him, he told my wife that *he would be angry *if his wife had the same relationship he is having with my wife, and if his wife finds out She will leave him! I did send him and email in november asking him not to contact my wife. he was worried I will forward the email to his wife, and asked my wife to ask me to destroy it. and after that, also suggested to my wife that this mess is not "worth it" unless they have _an affair_. 

and my wife said that she was shocked and the will never talk to him again. and I found out yesterday that they had a conversation on december 15th a very long email from him to her, telling her how hard he is working and what is planing for x-mas, but could not find any other emails since, the tone was "back to normal" and ended with happy Christmas. this is a month after we both agreed A) for me not to Spy, B), for her not to be incontact with him.

come to think of it, she has been keen for me not to spay on her... I wonder why...

Not sure I have the courage to admit that i know she is lying yet...


----------



## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

OK... It's man-up time. 

Step away from the computer... go look at yourself in the mirror. Seriously look at yourself. And then ask yourself how in the hell you can actually think that you looking at your wife's emails, who by the way, has a history of emotional affairs, is any type of a reason atALL for not confronting her for having an emotional affair (at least), continually lying to you about it, continuing it after you asked her to stop on more than one occasion!!!

Once you figure it out, you need to confront her about it. And you need to take some serious action, which may include something similar to the "note" suggested above.


----------



## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Again, please consider the letter. She is crying because you know. She loves you but you are allowing her to eat cake (have you and him too). But you have to do what you have to do. I tell you, read the success of people who take a hard line and ones that don't. The go through this for months trying to love their WW back to them. I doesn't work. They end continuing the affair and the end result is the spouse (you) ends up loosing any feeling and they end up divorced. Please take a firm hand.


----------



## tg-1 (Jan 21, 2009)

*UPDATE:*

I have confronted my wife this morning, admitting I have looked at her open laptop, and found she had been in contact with him, I then apologised for spying on her, and telling her that I do not know her login details, I only looked at her open laptop.

She said for her is an issue of control, she need to decide whom she sees or not, and It’s not for me to dictate. She said that we have been through this, and that she has not communicated with him since. _(The email I saw dated 15 December.)_ I sent him the email asking him not to contact my wife as it is damaging our relationship in 17 November!

*She has not apologised or said sorry, *
(that’s all I want so I can feel I can move part this)

Also her line is if she gives in to this, I would then ask her next to wear a Muslim veil… as I am an atheist is very ironic that she thinks that… and I am not the jealous type. I have and issue with 1 person only, she can have as many friends as she wants, I babysit a lot and she goes out with her friends etc, and I have never had any problems with that. I always supported her having fun, as she is a peoples person than me.

I have apologised for spying and told her I did not spy on her for the last two month. but still *feel ashamed for doing it*.

I feel when I go home she will say that she feels that she does not have control because I spied on her again and be angry with me! And for all I know she will deliberate communicate with him to punish me for spying… 

What I want is to trust her, but I want to be able to do ‘spot checks’ until I feel secure again! And I will not feel the need to do that any more.

I have never spied or had any concerns for 12 years! 

Maybe I am wrong in feeling this way. And she is right!

I loath myself for being this weak. 

Thanks everybody, for the support and for letting me express my feelings. I have never talks about my feeling with anybody and it feels very odd to put myself out there like this..


----------



## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

I so know how you feel. I watched my husband get close to a colleague for months. Same thing, he denied anything other than friendship is going on. He didn't e-mail this woman, and I use that term politely because she certainly is no woman, more like a teenager. He was sending her over 1000 text messages in one month as per his phone bill for cell. He was calling her late at night while I was asleep. The calls were sometimes over 1 hour in length. Even called her on our wedding anniversary after I was asleep in bed. Saw the home phone bill too. Said they mainly talked about work. The thing I didn't get was he was honest about everything. :scratchhead: However both my psycotherapist and marriage councellor have told me he DID have an emotional affair and what he did was WRONG!! DO NOT feel ashamed about YOUR behaviour. What do you have to feel like that for. She should be ASHAMED of herself but she is in a fog right now and can't understand what she is doing is hurting you. She is your wife and needs to make you and your children her 1 priority. I felt like banging my head against a wall with my husband. Didn't do me any good. He denied till the cows came home. 

Manipulators often make you feel like it's your problem and how dare you accuse them of anything. That's what is happening here. As well, emotional affairs come about because they are a symptom that your marriage isn't all hunky dory. Sometimes not. I'm not sure exactly what to tell you what to do but in your GUT if it doesn't feel right, it's not. Marriage councelling came too late for me. In the end, I met this "woman" my husband was involved with. She ignored me the whole night, had tantrums, went to the bathroom in bar. Out for cigarette, paraded her ex in front of us hoping it would make my husband jealous? So pathetic I told my husband to have nothing to do with her anymore. Well, he had tantrum. Left me at hotel all night. Came back home. 2 days later asked for divorce. Moved away and as far as I know now working up at that shop with her(she's assistant manager) and his other buddies and left me for good. They both deserve each other. When he's done reliving his teenage years I'll be long gone. I guess I got to be a drag. 

Bottom line, ask her if she communicates this often with her other "friends" and gets he back up when you ask her about them? This woman destroyed my marriage but my husband let her. Speaking or communicating with the other party won't help. They DON"T CARE or they wouldn't be involved with your wife. Good Luck


----------



## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

You are not responsible for what your wife has done. You are responsible now. If you remain weak and needy, kiss your marriage goodbye. I mean a marriage in any real sense. She does not respect you and you do not respect yourself. She will stop if you confront her. You get a keylogger and put it on her computer. So you can read, copy and confront her. If you can't even fight for you wife and marriage. Why would she want to stay with you? You don't care enough to make her stop. Some women want to be fought for, it makes them look at their husbands like hero's. They feel wanted. Write the letter! If you don't have the sand to confront her. And when she calls whining and asking you why you left, tell her the letter says it all. A man cannot live without the respect of his wife. SUCK IT UP AND ACT!


----------



## Cheated Don (Jan 18, 2009)

She gave up any right to privacy when she broke your trust. Init is right. She either has to make herself an open book for you, or there is no room for you to heal from this. It's scary to be tough with her, but that is the only way to get where you want to go.


----------



## tg-1 (Jan 21, 2009)

Thanks! 
Thats is what I need!

If she wants me to heal, she has to be and open book... until I feel ready to move on.

Also I really want her to say sorry, and to admit she was wrong, is that too much to ask... 

If that does not happen I fear I could never be happy again.

We have booked a marriage counceling next week, I now know what I want to say...


----------



## Cheated Don (Jan 18, 2009)

Getting some outside help can help you both. So often, our instincts in times like these can lead us to do damaging things. W and I wish you the very best in this trying time. We will be praying for you as we pray for each other.


----------



## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

tg-1 said:


> If she wants me to heal, she has to be and open book... until I feel ready to move on.


ARGHHHHHH! She doesn't want you to heal. She wants you to leave her alone so she can eat her cake and have her EA/PA.



tg-1 said:


> Also I really want her to say sorry, and to admit she was wrong, is that too much to ask...


Allow me one more time. ARGHHHHH! You don't want her to say she is sorry. YOU WANT HER BEGGING FOR FORGIVENESS. Her saying she is sorry is allowing her to keep control. She decides since she say shes sorry, that now you have to get over it.
Asking for forgiveness is her giving you the power.



tg-1 said:


> If that does not happen I fear I could never be happy again.


She does not have the power to make you happy. Only you have that power.



tg-1 said:


> We have booked a marriage counceling next week, I now know what I want to say...


One last time. ARGHHHHHHH! You know what you want to say?

Does it go something like this? 

"Darling, I am very disappointed in you. If that is OK with you?

"You have hurt me once again by carrying on this affair behind my back. Forgive me if I seem judgmental". 

"You have turned my life upside down and made me a cuckold. But I know that you must have your needs met too!"

"I know this by looking on your computer again. Please forgive me! I know it was a horrible invasion of privacy and I will spend the rest of our marriage trying to make it up to you."

Is that how you see this pretty much going. WHERE IS YOU RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION? You are giving her a license to cheat with your milqetoast response. You are worried about driving her into his arms. Congratulations, with your inability to show any testosterone at all, I can virtually guarantee it.


----------



## tg-1 (Jan 21, 2009)

*I think I have a bit of testosterone left in me...*
I will be a bit stronger then that, the main point is that *she does not think she has done anything wrong*, (for the last 7 month!) and has nothing to be sorry for, for her it's my problem if I am hurt, it's my insecurities!

We keep arguing over why I think she has done something wrong, and she cant for the life of her understand, 

“you should trust me to do the right thing”
“If I felt it is beginning to be inappropriate I who’d of stopped myself, it’s not you call to make”
“He is just a friend” 
“I don’t and never have fancied him” 
“all our email conversations are taken out of context” 
“It upset me too when he said that if his wife had the same relationship he would be angry”… 
“If I do as you ask, next you will ask me to wear a veil”
“I want to end it on my terms not yours”

And then the crying and saying “I can take this anymore, I will eave my job and then I will not have to bump in to him” and “I cant take you asking me if I spoke to him everyday” 

The only proof I have is that it HURTS!!! That I am not willing to share my wife with anybody…

How do I make her understand that what she is doing is wrong?


----------



## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

tg-1 said:


> *
> 
> How do I make her understand that what she is doing is wrong?*


*

By walking out... Seriously, she needs to understand cause and effect here. Very few things are simply black and white. By you saying you didn't like it, she should know something was wrong, and either do something to show that it really isn't, and/or stopping what's going on. We all know that there probably have been times when a spouse got upset over this and it really was nothing, but this doesn't sound like one of those times at all...

You need to tell her that she needs to knock it off, realize what's wrong with what's she's doing.... or you're done. Plain and simple.

What she is doing is simply re-directing blame. She seems to be a very good manipulator. She's making you feel guilty for things she is doing wrong.*


----------



## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

The problem is she can't understand why you are upset because she is getting her emotional needs met by this man. She is not thinking clearly and doesn't get it. Wait for the councelling session. If the therapist is worth their fee they will be productive in getting to the root cause as to why she is doing this to you. Walking out on her or giving her an ultamatum WON'T WORK. She may be very upset you left her but still won't get why. She may beg and plead you to come back but she won't give him up UNTIL SHE GETS IT. When she sees the light and truly understands why she turned to someone else outside your marriage for her needs to be met only then can you repair your relationship and move forward.


----------



## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

1nurse said:


> The problem is she can't understand why you are upset because she is getting her emotional needs met by this man. She is not thinking clearly and doesn't get it. Wait for the councelling session. If the therapist is worth their fee they will be productive in getting to the root cause as to why she is doing this to you. Walking out on her or giving her an ultamatum WON'T WORK. She may be very upset you left her but still won't get why. She may beg and plead you to come back but she won't give him up UNTIL SHE GETS IT. When she sees the light and truly understands why she turned to someone else outside your marriage for her needs to be met only then can you repair your relationship and move forward.


That's great advice... but I'm not so sure (obviously from only reading a few messages), anyway..... I'm not so sure that she doesn't know that it's wrong. I think there is a damn good chance she knows exactly what she is doing, and she knows she has gotten away with it, and thinks she will continue to get away with it unless he shows her he will actually stand up to her.


----------



## tg-1 (Jan 21, 2009)

*UPDATE:*

Had a long conversation with my wife last night, I have told her how much her actions hurt me, and she said that to her, my spying on her is as hurtful (if not more)…

And her going back to communicating with him is equally as bad (but not more) as me spying on her.
And I said to her, that the two are not comparable, once you broke the trust, I have a duty to my self and to our marriage to spy on you! If you have nothing to hide, you will not be obsessed with me spying, I can promise you that! And if after the first a few month of not finding anything, I would not have any need to spy again! 

*Semi Update*
In order for both of us to move on I need to take a "leap of faith" and never to spy on her again. that is the conclusion we got to so far. she feels as she is not in control of her life.


----------



## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

As I have written before you need to find out WHY your wife decided and I mean DECIDED to have an emotional affair with this man. She is still expressing an interest in keeping touch with this person. I understand you think you are putting a stop to things by communicating with Mark yourself however I can guarantee you it won't stop. I doubt he is being 100% truthful with you either.  How can you be sure she won't do this with someone else???? It might make you feel good and you have a resolution but you are only fooling yourself. As much as I wanted to say something or yell and scream at the ***** that got involved with my soon to be ex-husband I knew it might make me feel better but in the long run would do NOTHING productive. 

The person who is mainly at fault IS YOUR WIFE. This guy didn't put a gun to her head and say get involved with me or else. Listen, take time think and review your marriage. What's going on? Is there something that needs attention? Have you seen your councellor yet? Focus on you two. Forget Mark. He's a waste of space and your time. She needs to figure out what is going on with her. She needs to get back to being your wife again and you need to be her man. I made my husband my whole world. I was his wife, girlfriend and best friend. I did everything I could think of to focus on us and to save our marriage. Didn't help. It doesn't mean it will happen to you. Just that my husband made a statement that was quite profound little beknowst to him. Last thing he told me before he asked for a divorce was "I have nothing left to give to our marriage anymore. I'm emotionally drained." Yeah duh cause if he had invested half the time and energy he was giving to dumb ass we would still be together. But he's too shallow, immature and selfish to get that. Maybe one day he will but don't really care now. At least I know I can walk away knowing I did everything I could to save us. Take Care


----------



## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

tg-1 said:


> *I think I have a bit of testosterone left in me...*




Glad to hear it!




tg-1 said:


> I will be a bit stronger then that, the main point is that *she does not think she has done anything wrong*, (for the last 7 month!) and has nothing to be sorry for, for her it's my problem if I am hurt, it's my insecurities!
> 
> We keep arguing over why I think she has done something wrong, and she cant for the life of her understand,
> 
> ...


This is just excuses and blame shifting. Now to the big question.



tg-1 said:


> How do I make her understand that what she is doing is wrong?


I was encouraged by this response. Your fear of her/your leaving has to be secondary to doing what is right. She may not understand what she is doing is wrong. She is deep in the fog. What she can understand is that you will not take it. 

You could give her an object lesson. Ask her if it is acceptable for you to go on my space or face book and look for a person who can understand you? In fact. Tell her you are open about this so she knows that when you initially have private conversations with these women (because it may take some time to find the compassionate soul who will understand what you are going through), you are only trying to find one that you click with. Tell her not to be concerned if she walks into the room and you shrink your screen or are short with her because she is interrupting your train of thought. Tell her, naturally some of the conversations will be about her and our relationship, my dissatisfaction in areas of our marriage, and how we have grown apart over the years. Also tell her from time to time you will need to have lunch with her so that you can have open discussions. Kind of brain storming sessions that will help you deal with the situation at home. You know that it will be necessary to be secretive about this relationship, because I won't want you to worry. Just know I love you. If you are ever concerned about this relationship, I want you to remember that:


*“you should trust me to do the right thing”
“If I feel it is beginning to be inappropriate I will of stop myself, "it’s my call to make”
“She will be just a friend” 
“I won't fancy her” 
“Some of our email conversations may be taken out of context” 
“I will avoid striking up this friendship with a married woman, so as not to have another spouse who could misunderstand this."
“If I do ever end it, I will want to end it on my terms not yours”*

You have to present this as a serious compromise. This may be a word picture she understands.


----------



## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

tg-1 said:


> *Semi Update*
> In order for both of us to move on I need to take a "leap of faith" and never to spy on her again. that is the conclusion we got to so far. she feels as she is not in control of her life.


Can I call BS on this!!!!!

She just got you again! Not in control of her life? Leap of faith and not spy on her.


I'll give you an example from my life that maybe you could relate to... I was posting on a forum that was all guys. No affair, no woman, nothing like that. Without getting into details, she was upset because of the things that I was saying on there. It was most would consider guy talk stuff and 99.99% of it was just BSing, . Well she didn't like what I was saying on there, and I understand why. 

I told her that I wouldn't do it anymore. I gave her my log-in and user name and everything so she could see if I got back in. I would consider what I did much less severe that what you were doing, and I gave up everything so she knew what I was doing. And you wife won't do any of that, and has manipulated you into thinking you are in the wrong here...


----------



## Cheated Don (Jan 18, 2009)

tg-1, She is in control of both your lives at this point. IF you want to be in a true marriage with this woman, you HAVE to set some limits. She HAS to be forced to choose. Either her EA, or you. No contact or you separate. You HAVE to say it, and you HAVE to mean it. Your right to feel secure in your marriage trumps her right to privacy a dozen times over.


----------



## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

There is no "leap of faith". She broke that bridge. 

She MUST feel totally open and that does mean spying. Do not stop doing it. 

She must be an open book. That she feels "hurt" by your spying only means she has something more to hide. Period. 

You know she's wrong. She knows it, too, but is trying to make it your fault. 

Keep the pressure on. If she rebels, walk out and never look back. You deserve better.


----------



## tg-1 (Jan 21, 2009)

*my last update (for a while anyway)*

I feel completely physically and emotionally drained, I am at a point where I cannot think about this anymore! 

I still hate the thought that I could feel in a week a month or a year > _"what if she changes her mind... and think 'what was the fuss all about, I will send him only one email'..."_

I do hope this is not the case, and this is truly water under the bridge, done and dusted!

For me, I am done with spying or worrying, I hated doing it, and it's not in my nature, and hated how it made me feel. I am working on renewing myself, building my own confidence and pride. and I am going to prove to myself that I am a strong character and will stand up for myself.

after going around in circles 6 times now, there not going to be number 7. I know she has not apologized or said sorry, apart from "sorry we keep hurting each other". and I don't think a genuine apology will ever come... maybe with counseling... which we start in a week, who knows...

If she slips again, she knows I am not scared of leaving anymore, and she knows that she cannot have / develop a close personal male friend as much as I will not have/develop a close personal female friend! 

I hope I will never have to bore you good people with my story ever again.

Thanks for all your advice, and reassuring me that I am not mental case, and my feelings towards this were justified, and I have/had every right to be angry with what had happened.

Take Care

tg-1


----------



## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Unless she is contrite and actually sees the pain that she has put you through and understands that what she did betrayed you . I am afraid we will see you back again. good luck


----------



## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

Good luck with the councelling. I TOTALLY know how you feel with going around and around the mulberry bush. You're not getting any RESOLUTION which is why you feel the way you do. I was on that roller coaster for six months. Scary when my marriage ended but good for you. Focus on yourself like I did. I'm glad I don't have that sick feeling anymore in the pit of my stomach. Will he leave, won't he? Screw him and screw her. Be true to yourself. You're all you've got in this world. I don't buy that old "she's pushing you away because she feels you're too good for her." My ex gave me that song and dance too. I told him it's my life, my choices I'LL decide who deserves me or not. That's just a copout. Good luck.


----------



## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

:iagree:


----------



## broken love (Nov 27, 2013)

I to am in same way and I also have just caught my husband having a emotional affair with a married woman. I can not eat or sleep. I feel like I'm in a fog. I wish I had the answers.
My husband and I have had problems for last year because of my health problems and with him dealing with them, and in the mist of this I had a Hysterectomy and it made me have no sex drive for about a year. Six months ago I started to have that drive again and really tried to talk to my husband about it and that I loved him and wanted to work on our marriage, he just ignored me and I am assuming that is when things started with this woman because he was distant and always getting angry at me and starting fights so he could leave house and at that time warning bells should have went off in my head because he has never turned away from us being intimate. We have 17 years together and been married for 6.
I put a spy on his phone and found something in texts as soon as I pulled the system up. Found out they where meeting and texting quite a bit. They were telling each other that they loved one another more on her part and that she could not wait to see him again. At this point I felt as if I had been punched in the stomach and was shaking on the inside and out. I did not expect to find what I did. At first I asked him if he new this number and he got angry when I told him I was going to cell company to get info. In the end he fessed up everything. He told me it was not physical and just someone to talk to just friends. Well had him call her in front of me to call it off then found out he called her after. apparently he had things to say he did not want me to hear which hurts me to the core. Well I am having trouble believing this because of them telling each other they loved one another. We had made love the Thursday & Saturday (BTW texted her for 3 hours Saturday before and after we made love) before this came to light then the ( He fessed up Tuesday) Wednesday following me finding out after agreeing that we would save our marriage. And he has had no contact with her since That day everything came out in open, Even though I feel he met with her while I was at work following that Tuesday on Saturday and denies being at location gps tracker gave me told him I was there. Now he is having a problem making love to me he says he needs time and his head is not in right place. Well this just hurts me to the core. I told him I needed that for reassurance. My ego is smashed and I need to know that he still wants me in that way not to mention that I am questioning my attractiveness to him. I have plenty of men tell me all the time how beautiful and sexy I am but in the end I need to know my husband thinks that to. He says he loves me with all his heart and does not want to lose me and that he is sorry from bottom of his heart. Tell me what am I to think and should I tell other woman's husband?


----------



## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

zombie thread..


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

broken love said:


> I to am in same way and I also have just caught my husband having a emotional affair with a married woman. I can not eat or sleep. I feel like I'm in a fog. I wish I had the answers.
> My husband and I have had problems for last year because of my health problems and with him dealing with them, and in the mist of this I had a Hysterectomy and it made me have no sex drive for about a year. Six months ago I started to have that drive again and really tried to talk to my husband about it and that I loved him and wanted to work on our marriage, he just ignored me and I am assuming that is when things started with this woman because he was distant and always getting angry at me and starting fights so he could leave house and at that time warning bells should have went off in my head because he has never turned away from us being intimate. We have 17 years together and been married for 6.
> I put a spy on his phone and found something in texts as soon as I pulled the system up. Found out they where meeting and texting quite a bit. They were telling each other that they loved one another more on her part and that she could not wait to see him again. At this point I felt as if I had been punched in the stomach and was shaking on the inside and out. I did not expect to find what I did. At first I asked him if he new this number and he got angry when I told him I was going to cell company to get info. In the end he fessed up everything. He told me it was not physical and just someone to talk to just friends. Well had him call her in front of me to call it off then found out he called her after. apparently he had things to say he did not want me to hear which hurts me to the core. Well I am having trouble believing this because of them telling each other they loved one another. We had made love the Thursday & Saturday (BTW texted her for 3 hours Saturday before and after we made love) before this came to light then the ( He fessed up Tuesday) Wednesday following me finding out after agreeing that we would save our marriage. And he has had no contact with her since That day everything came out in open, Even though I feel he met with her while I was at work following that Tuesday on Saturday and denies being at location gps tracker gave me told him I was there. Now he is having a problem making love to me he says he needs time and his head is not in right place. Well this just hurts me to the core. I told him I needed that for reassurance. My ego is smashed and I need to know that he still wants me in that way not to mention that I am questioning my attractiveness to him. I have plenty of men tell me all the time how beautiful and sexy I am but in the end I need to know my husband thinks that to. He says he loves me with all his heart and does not want to lose me and that he is sorry from bottom of his heart. Tell me what am I to think and should I tell other woman's husband?


Broken, cut and paste your post and start a new thread. You will find help here. But using someone's old thread will be confusing to many on TAM. YOu will get good advice and help.


----------



## broken love (Nov 27, 2013)

Sorry I did not know how to properly post this I am new to this.


----------



## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

tg-1 said:


> *UPDATE:*
> 
> Had a long conversation with my wife last night, I have told her how much her actions hurt me, and she said that to her, my spying on her is as hurtful (if not more)…
> 
> ...



Look friend. She's dictating policy here. Whats wrong with that picture. She's pissed that your spying on her. Your pissed because she's having a EA with another guy. 

You have to make it clear to her with ACTIONS that you wouldn't be spying if SHE WASN'T CHEATING! You have to let her know that you will not put up with her having a EA with this guy. You want to put a stop to it? First and foremost let his wife know whats going on and let her deal with him. The last thing your wife or the OM wants is his wife finding out. Why? Because the EA will blow up. 

Another thing. Take charge of the situation. Your not the one causing problems in your marriage she is so why the hell are you the one walking on eggs. Right now you should drop the hammer on her real hard. Tell her that your filing for divorce because she's a liar, cheat and can't be trusted any longer and if she has any intentions of saving the marriage then she turns over all her passwords, goes NC with this guy and above all starts acting like a wife. Your the only one that can stop this from getting any more out of hand and informing the OM's wife is the first thing you must do. So stop dancing around do something to end it.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

6301, 

Who are you writing to? 

The OP hasn't been here since 2009


----------



## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

anchorwatch said:


> 6301,
> 
> Who are you writing to?
> 
> The OP hasn't been here since 2009


 Whoops! My bad! Sorry 'bout that. I'm old so forgive me. Happy Thanksgiving.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

broken love said:


> Sorry I did not know how to properly post this I am new to this.


Broken Love, best you start a thread of your own. We'll be here for you.


----------



## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

6301 said:


> Whoops! My bad! Sorry 'bout that. I'm old so forgive me. Happy Thanksgiving.



let us know what kind of booz you drank! 

I would love to know!!! :rofl:


----------

