# My post divorce/new relationship "diary"



## Surfer Joe (Oct 27, 2015)

Some of you might already know parts of my story from the various posts I’ve made. For those of you who don’t, well, you’ll get up to speed pretty quick if you choose to read on.

What am I looking for with this thread? Perspective. I don’t think I’m looking for anyone to give me the answers, but I often feel like those closest to me lack the distance to sometimes help me see what I’m struggling to see. I also know that I overthink things and that sometimes I’m just looking for someone to help me recognize what is right in front of my face.

I’ve had my share of failed relationships, including a divorce. I really want this one to work. I really like this girl and she likes me and I’m also thinking there are more people out there going through this part of life – so maybe as I discuss the ups and downs of my relationship – we can help one another through our mutual discussions.


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## Haiku (Apr 9, 2014)

A diary, this is a great idea. I might start my own. Thanks.

My first order of business is deciding which subform to create it in.

Got it: _Technical Difficulties_.


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## Surfer Joe (Oct 27, 2015)

Felt like my girlfriend and I didn't connect well last night and I hate how that feels. She has a lot going on with starting a new job/career and finding a place to live. I had my own baggage as I just found out that my ex's boyfriend/fiance is moving out. He's a real cretin and I'm glad because it gets him away from my kids - but there are some complex thoughts/emotions that go along with that and I felt a need to express those thoughts/emotions to someone.

I can't speak for her - but I needed more than she could offer (and she told me this morning she just didn't feel like she could offer much right now). This is not how it normally is and she said this is just how she is when she is in transition. I'm more than willing to give her the space she needs - it's just confusing. I'm struggling with how it feels to know I felt like I needed more than I got last night without feeling selfish and immature and making a big deal out of nothing.

We've just always been good at coming together - reconnecting when we get out of sync and last night was rough and I think most of it had nothing to do with our relationship. I think that our relationship is probably fine - but for me it's all about learning the nuances of relationships again.

I annoy myself because there were times - especially early on - where I felt I couldn't give her what she needed. There were nights I wished I could have just pulled back and checked out. There were nights where I was too tired - I had too much on my mind and so on. I don't think I ever did - but I know there were times I wished I could have. Last night I felt like it was the other way around and maybe it is impossible to always be in sync - to always be able to give what your partner needs when they need it or in the way they need it.


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## Surfer Joe (Oct 27, 2015)

I don't know. Maybe not the best idea to just vent. I slept badly last night and I've got a lot going on in my head worrying about what is going on with the kids. Felt like a good idea to write this up this morning - not so sure if this is the right place for doing that, however.


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## Surfer Joe (Oct 27, 2015)

Haiku said:


> A diary, this is a great idea. I might start my own. Thanks.
> 
> My first order of business is deciding which subform to create it in.
> 
> Got it: _*Technical Difficulties*_.


That's going to be the title of my autobiography...:wink2:


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## Haiku (Apr 9, 2014)

What’s wrong with it being here? Or maybe you’d prefer the Private Members Forum? Not that it offers much privacy but at least someone needs to sign up to read it.


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## Surfer Joe (Oct 27, 2015)

Haiku said:


> What’s wrong with it being here? Or maybe you’d prefer the Private Members Forum? Not that it offers much privacy but at least someone needs to sign up to read it.


I suppose this is a good place for it. Guess the "regret" I felt was that I didn't like what I'd written - felt it was too much, maybe too whiny - like I should have thought about what I was going to write instead of just pouring everything out - but then again maybe that is the best way to let it out.

I don't know. I'm chalking it all up to not enough sleep and too much on my mind - but I would welcome any discussion.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

Surfer Joe said:


> It's hard not feeling connected. I had a lot on my mind last night - my ex's bad news boyfriend/fiance is apparently moving out which is good news - but still something to think about. She has a lot going on with starting her new job and finding a place to live. Felt like we didn't connect last night and I hate how that feels. I can't speak for her - but I needed more than she could offer (and she told me this morning she just didn't feel like she could offer much right now). This is not how it normally is. I'm more than willing to give her the space she needs - it's just confusing. I'm struggling with how it feels to know I felt like I needed more than I got last night without feeling selfish and immature and making a big deal out of nothing.


It would help me, and I think others, if you would be specific with people you are referencing and what you are struggling with. Your reference to your "ex" and then your statement that "she" didn't give you as much as you needed doesn't make sense to me. Are you talking about your ex or your girlfriend?

This probably is not the correct forum for your "diary" type entries if you want to write it in a way that mimics speech and uses pronouns. People have a hard time following it.


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## Haiku (Apr 9, 2014)

Surfer Joe said:


> I suppose this is a good place for it. Guess the "regret" I felt was that I didn't like what I'd written - felt it was too much, maybe too whiny - like I should have thought about what I was going to write instead of just pouring everything out - but then again maybe that is the best way to let it out.
> 
> I don't know. I'm chalking it all up to not enough sleep and too much on my mind - but I would welcome any discussion.


Nothing wrong with drafts and edits and final drafts. We all can flow with it. 

Alternatively, you could start an email to yourself (or a word doc) and pound away there until you think you have the right expression. Then post it. 

You might consider saving your first draft because they are your raw feelings ... not necessarily the ones that truly represent yourself but helps you to keep on track. I think it’s beneficial to privately save the first and final draft together in a private spot. These can be helpful to read later as a gauge of how your feelings have changed, perspectives evolve, outlook improved or not, etc.


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## Surfer Joe (Oct 27, 2015)

BigToe said:


> It would help me, and I think others, if you would be specific with people you are referencing and what you are struggling with. Your reference to your "ex" and then your statement that "she" didn't give you as much as you needed doesn't make sense to me. Are you talking about your ex or your girlfriend?
> 
> This probably is not the correct forum for your "diary" type entries if you want to write it in a way that mimics speech and uses pronouns. People have a hard time following it.


I hacked apart my original entry because it was way too wordy - so I can see how it became confusing. I can go ahead and correct that. In this instance, I'm talking about my girlfriend - ex only figures in because of the news about her boyfriend moving out.


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## Surfer Joe (Oct 27, 2015)

...and to bring this rambling thread to a point: my question for the group is how to handle something like this. In the past - I would have let it stew in my head and I would overthink it and overthink it and probably eventually "apologize" for anything just go create a connection. In this case - I'd probably apologize for not being able to put my needs into words. I don't think this is a great approach.

Honestly - I think the best thing to do is to just let it go. It wasn't the best night, but it more than likely doesn't mean anything. I find it hard to just trust things will work out - but I want to get better with that. If this relationship is going to work - I need to be able to trust. Just not one of my strong suits. I feel like I need to actively work the problem and when there really isn't a problem I sometimes tend to create one just to fix it. Does that make sense?

My plan is to stay calm and carry on. I hope I can stick with that, however.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

When I went through my wife's affair through divorce I kept a journal, but that was for me. I'd recommend the same for you rather than putting it online. Just write it down, think about it when you need to, then go back in a month or a year from now to see how far you've progressed. Having a hard night can happen and as long as you recognize that you don't have to do anything other than accept it which is hard for people that are action oriented in their lives. 

To answer your question about how to handle it, just do nothing. If your GF is having an issue and wants to talk about it then discuss freely with her. But it doesn't sound like that is what is happening here. Maybe go for a run or lift weights, go for a hike, or whatever it is you like to do to reset your internal balance.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Ah, yes...........the wonders of dating and relationships!

how i don't miss that.

but to your question: well, you sound a bit like me. that is analytical and always trying to second guess what she's thinking by analysis.
well, i can only tell you that being analytical worked for me. in my past relationships, my girlfriends might suddenly go cold. the lovely dovey nature of the
relationship would stop. what to do? give space. don't push it. there are myriad reasons why they do this. not always because of you.
overthinking; there's no such thing to me in regards to women.

trust me, when you think something's going on,.......it is.

give them space. maybe gently approach her with a 'what's going on, are things ok' type of question, but most of all, don't be needy or pushy.

that's from jorgegene's collection of 2 cent wisdom.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I'm not sure I'd be very interested in helping my boyfriend deal with his emotions re his ex and her current relationship issues. Perhaps that's the disconnect.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It sounds as if neither of you are ready for a relationship at this time.


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