# Need to talk



## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

Moving over from infidelity thread for this one. Spouse and I are working on getting back together and things are going well. One thing that has annoyed me for years and is very sensitive subject that I now avoid with her is her weight. At one time she was 110 pounds. We've been together 20 years now and year after year she adds the pounds. We're both in our late 30's now and she probably has gained 75 pounds and it keeps rising. I am not a shallow person but I am very fit and into working out and it annoys me to no end. But I do still love her much. It has been a big sore spot in part because of my insensitive way of approaching in the past.  In a weird way, it contributed to her having an EA: her self esteem got to the point that she wanted attention from ANYBODY because I was busy at work and going back to college. I think she thought that I thought I was too good and that she couldn't meet my supposed expectations, and basically went emotionally AWOL on me. Anyway, I'm concerned because she keeps talking about losing weight but nothing ever happens. I'm afraid it may lead to more problems in our future. Thoughts welcome.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Her weight will undoubtedly affect her health and your marriage if it's not addressed.

You need to keep reassuring her that you love her, as it's clear from what you wrote that she has a lot of insecurities.

Have you tried to help her find/develop a diet/workout schedule that will work for her? Would you two be able to workout together, or does she have a workout partner (female friend)?


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## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

Browncoat said:


> Her weight will undoubtedly affect her health and your marriage if it's not addressed.
> 
> You need to keep reassuring her that you love her, as it's clear from what you wrote that she has a lot of insecurities.
> 
> Have you tried to help her find/develop a diet/workout schedule that will work for her? Would you two be able to workout together, or does she have a workout partner (female friend)?


Since the EA she has been more open to walking/running with me. Before that, she resented me so much about it she said it was too painful to have me be a part of it. So making progress, but she doesn't always seem motivated to do it. I know my handling of it in our younger years made it tough, but I haven't really brought it up for a number of years. What she is doing now won't really make a difference because it isn't a plan that she sticks to.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

My initial reaction is that she needs to get comfortable with her body OR do something about it. You cant wallow in that place where you hate yourself and cant seem to do anything to change it. But Im not sure that is what is going on.

If your wife is anything like mine... or like many people I know in general... she will pick up on your emotions - no doubt about it. Im not blaming you - but I believe that if you feel it is a problem - then 'it is a problem', and you will not be able to hide it. You cant.

We have been together 25 years. Im getting bald and old. My wifes a$$ is blossoming like a pumpkin (or at least getting a bit biger). We are both sagging in surprising places. Im growing hair in places I never had hair before. You know what? Its part of getting older.. yeah we try and eat right and all the rest. But this isnt about us...my point is.. I have learned to accept both who I am.. and who she is.

Im not trying to pontificate on how you should simply accept her for how she is, but make no mistake - if your measurement of her as a person includes a little bit of disgust over her weight - you have a problem on your hands because that is something that will be evident.

Is there something you can do together... that wont seem like you are forcing her onto a treadmill - but could be the start of positive changes anyway? Like.. I dont know... going for a walk a couple times a week or something? That is a double win because it could bring you both closer emotionally and physically. Once it becomes routine.. after a couple months.. you will wonder why you didnt do it sooner. It is not about losing weight initially.. but simply about getting into a healthier routine. She may need you to take the initiative. She wouldnt be the first person in the world that reacts to this type of situation by clibming up on the couch with a pint of Ben & Jerrys and a spoon if she believes you are being unjustly critical.. or if she simply believes you think her a bit of a slob.

You say 'In a weird way...'.. so you are feeling a little guilty perhaps. You need to find ways to tell her how much you appreciate her as a person... if indeed you feel that way. Do you? Once she feels like you are _on her side_ - you may find things may move along a little easier.

Let me ask you something just for kicks... what would it mean to you if your wife was overweight from here on out. Forever... lets say a nice round 200 Lbs? Is this a never ending problem with her and your 'supposed expectations'?


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Anotherguy brings up a good point with taking walks. In my family I know that getting a dog has done wonders for getting all of us to spend more time outside... and outside together.

My kids and I speed walk around the neighborhood, and because we have a border collie.. if he doesn't get his walks/playtime he goes nuts. So we have a compelling reason to do it each and every day.  He's also a cute dog and very sweet and loving, so if she likes dogs at all it could be a big win-win.


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## Bodhitree (Dec 29, 2011)

anotherguy said:


> My initial reaction is that she needs to get comfortable with her body OR do something about it. You cant wallow in that place where you hate yourself and cant seem to do anything to change it. But Im not sure that is what is going on.
> 
> If your wife is anything like mine... or like many people I know in general... she will pick up on your emotions - no doubt about it. Im not blaming you - but I believe that if you feel it is a problem - then 'it is a problem', and you will not be able to hide it. You cant.
> 
> ...


You make a great point. I have come to a realization that I'm not 25 any more and neither is she. In truth, I have made huge strides accepting her as she is- excess weight included. I do believe yes I can accept and love her regardless of weight. Actually discussing it here makes me feel a lot better because your response is rational and to the point. Harboring resentment about it is one of the things that got us to the breaking point to begin. Thanks for your post.


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## DanglingDaisy (Mar 26, 2012)

From a women's perspective I'm really curious to know why your partner's weight annoys you so much-why are you so sensitive about it?

Does this have something to do with the fact your wife's viewpoint on healthier living has been different than yours? Is it because her body type doesn't turn you on and you're frustrated sexually? Do you believe it's your "right" to have a barbie doll wife? Do you believe a person's value is based on their looks? 

Here is my viewpoint...I've been in similar shoes as your wife,on and off since getting together with my partner 14yrs ago. 

When we first me, I was 110lbs and very attractive. In actuality I was starving half the time and couldn't afford to eat-at the same time while I was partially starving half the time,I was so desperate to "be skinny and sexy" I also spent 2-3hrs a day running and jogging. Fast forward, a year after my partner and I met,I was pregnant with our oldest son. I packed on 40lbs during the pregnancy. WOWSA-I had never been overweight,but I also never thought my previous child's death would affect my new pregnancy and happy life(I battled with depression and a husband that acted oblivious to it). When my oldest son turned 1, I found out I was pregnant again-and YIPPEE gained another 40lbs from that pregnancy...I was ELATED to be 80lbs overweight-you can't believe how fantastic I felt looking like I was 9 months pregnant after ALREADY having given birth:bounce::bounce::bounce:

My partner made a comment one time years ago at my heaviest-that he always dreamed growing up about marrying a super model with lots of money. LOL I was no super model,and I was piss poor when we met-guess how that made me feel?:yay:

Looking back to those heavy set days, I know I was using food to help me deal with depression,feeling lost in raising children and to comfort me in a way my partner couldn't/wouldn't emotionally do(he was emotionally abusive and controlling). A LARGE part of staying overweight for me was to keep people at arms length-to keep people from trying to get closer and hurting me more. It was a shield of sorts I was struggling. 

Years later-I thought, I'll lose all the weight and life will be great! :smthumbup: My partner will be 100% happy and we can get closer in our relationship. DIDN'T HAPPEN. Instead, I had horny dudes all over the place hitting on me. My partner enjoyed the sex,but started wanting other things-like wanting to invite other men into OUR bed. Why? He got off with the idea of "losing" me to another man,of seeing me as a porn star than a wife. I also found out a couple years after losing all the weight he had been flirting with women at work-it seemed that losing the weight was more problematic than staying in a heifer state!


What I'm getting at, is her weight is most probably a SIGN of her emotional state. It could be that and health issues adding to it,or medications...those or not,it could be how your adding to her insecurities-and her resistant to WANT to change. Question-what is HER BELIEF on skinny versus overweight? She's been thin, and she's been overweight-getting at the root of it all is key 

I hate to tell you this...but if you critisized her weight in the past-even being the loving tender understanding partner you you are now-she's not going to trust you have her best interest at heart on this issue-and she's not going to open up to you and WANT to change if you're playing the therapist yet have a sexual interest in mind.

She needs to be seeing a counsellor/therapist alone to get at the root of her issues. 

In the meantime, figure out what's got you so riled up. If it's just to do with difference in lifestyles-why reconcile and get back together? Why bother investing into a person you detest on some level?

When you two get into your 70's...80's...do you think you'll feel the same way towards her? Will her weight still be a turn off for you? 

Hugs,


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## SoWhat (Jan 7, 2012)

2/3rds of US adults are overweight or obese. 
This is a huge change from how things were 20, 30, and 50 years ago. 

We're like this because we're living in a more sedentary manner and eating worse than we ever have before. 

It's the norm, not the exception, and I doubt there's much you can do; your wife is part of the mainstream, not you. 

I know people will ask you "Well, why do you WANT your wife to be a healthy weight? Isn't that sort of selfish?" 
It's obviously for a variety of reasons - you want to remain attracted to her, you want her to be healthy, etc. None of that's unreasonable. (If it IS unreasonable, I suppose a woman wanting her man to wear ironed shirts in public, or have groomed facial hair, etc. is unreasonable...)

But it's just not very likely, IMO.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Bodhitree said:


> You make a great point. I have come to a realization that I'm not 25 any more and neither is she. In truth, I have made huge strides accepting her as she is- excess weight included. I do believe yes I can accept and love her regardless of weight. Actually discussing it here makes me feel a lot better because your response is rational and to the point. Harboring resentment about it is one of the things that got us to the breaking point to begin. Thanks for your post.


Hi Bodhitree ~

This is a great attitude. We usually see posts where one spouse cannot accept and love their partner because of their weight and appearance and it can cause resentment on both partner's sides ...and in all the cross-talk about how it affects attraction and it's not selfish to want a fit/attractive partner, what does get missed is that a person is more than just the sum of their parts.

If anything, we should be most concerned about a person's health - their emotional health and what could be causing them to be overeating and how the eating affects their emotional outlook and self-esteem, and their physical health in what being overweight could do to them physically long-term. If you can focus on those aspects of it, and be supportive in your wife's efforts to address those issues and not hold on to your resentments, then you might see more traction on the issue from her.

Being able to live a healthy lifestyle and maintain your weight is exactly that - a lifestyle that has to be learned and it has to be managed throughout a person's life. Being a good role model and a supportive mentor to your wife could be very beneficial to her in being able to attain and maintain that kind of lifestyle change.

Best wishes.


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## SoWhat (Jan 7, 2012)

I think Enchantment's right, in the sense that you're going to have to focus on other things. I think so because this problem is not going away; she's going to stay overweight, like most of the Western world.

You clearly love her anyway. Be supportive. Do what you can to be there for her. 

I just disagree that the "cause" of her being overweight is likely to be emotional problems that lead to overeating. The human condition is the same as it was 50 years ago. There are 30% more obese people, 40% more overweight people, now because we move less and eat more and worse than we did then - not because we've got more emotional problems. 

JMO.

Edit: reads like I'm being disagreeable or combative. Not my intent!


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## DanglingDaisy (Mar 26, 2012)

Let's use the old "it's societial changes over the years" as the excuse.

Much better than addressing what's really going on here

For conversations sake,let's agree that people's lifestyles are different than what they used to be. We're not all attending to our gardens and barn animals to have food to eat. We use cars to get around instead of walk or bike. We have convenient contraptions to let us cook,clean and live in a warm,cooler comfortable home.

Most overweight people you see on weight loss shows-while it LOOKS like a case of conveniences that makes them that way,the truth gets told as they're pushed hard physically to change.:smthumbup:

I will assume the OP has never had anything to do with his wife's emotional thoughts-point is, if he's ONE of the causes,he needs to decide whether he's okay with her always being overweight.

This is HER body,and she will make decisions based on her self esteem and interests. Maybe she doesn't want to be skinny. She needs to see a therapist who can help her address this-if INDEED she feels it's something she wants to address at this time.

The OP must figure out why he feels the way he does-and decide whether he can be with her in whatever form she chooses.

It's ALWAYS easier to sit on your throne and preach. :allhail: Are you perfect OP? You say you love her, but do you TRULY respect her?


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## SoWhat (Jan 7, 2012)

I don't buy the post-hoc justifications. 

In fact, I don't think this is a situation *needing* justification. 
2/3rds of Americans are overweight or obese. This is because they're taking in Z amount of calories and burning X amount. It's not this guy's "fault" that his wife gained weight. It's not like she's a bad person for gaining that weight - if so, that means most of this country is "bad" for the same reason. 

She's probably like most of the rest of us; she watches TV more often than she gets outdoors, she relies a lot on fast foot, because it's convenient, etc. 

Her husband may ALSO do things that make her unhappy. But I think it's silly to say that this correlation is causally related to any weight gain. 

Maybe I AM being judgmental...on this guy. I think he should stop bringing it up with his wife, because the stats show it's unlikely that she's going to lose weight. 
He needs to think about whether or not he would stay with someone he's no longer physically attracted to. I think it's clear he loves her still...


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Coffee Amore said:


> If my spouse gained more than 50 pounds, I would still love him. My love for him will not be affected. However, my attraction to him will most definitely be affected. Sexual attraction isn't unconditional.


:iagree:

Even though I agree... I'd probably still be in love and horny enough to not really let it affect my sexual desire for her.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

SoWhat said:


> ...I just disagree that the "cause" of her being overweight is likely to be emotional problems that lead to overeating. The human condition is the same as it was 50 years ago. There are 30% more obese people, 40% more overweight people, now because we move less and eat more and worse than we did then - not because we've got more emotional problems.


You are completely speculating, and have no idea, frankly. You keep saying 'probably', 'unlikely' and 'most' as if it matters for this particular person. It is a mistake to lump her in with your standardized concept of 'the rest of americans'.. as if some generalizations can diagnose a persons situation, lifestyle or future.

Also - the idea that the 'human condition' in the US is 'the same' as 50 years ago is certainly not a given as you state. Within that timeframe we have had revolutions in feminism, civil-rights, sexual revolution, counterculture, war movements, youth sufferage, the cold war, the rise of social media, life expectancy has gone from 70 to 80 years, globalization... etc. 

but hey - we can take the philosophy arguments into another thread.


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## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

My estranged husband is morbidly obese, he is losing weight, they told him to lose weight the first time he had cancer, what did he do well he ate himself another 8 stone (actually just under my body weight), disgusting and now he has got cancer back. He used to be a powerlifter he is still a big guy and about 22 stones, still needs to lose another 6 stones for his height.

I don't find him attractive at all, it's not him personally it's the body weight, i've been watching the biggest loser and i watch them transform from unattractive, to attractive before my very eyes, as they lose tons of weight.

And for the record fat sex is not good, because it really does affect positions and how tired they get.

I don't believe i am shallow but i would never date an obese person again, it is a lifestyle choice that i choose never to follow.


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