# secrets



## blugirl2007 (Aug 24, 2008)

Hi,
I am new at this, and hoping telling my story and getting some comments might make me feel a little better....
I have been married for 2 years but together for 7....

My husband cheated on me a year ago, which was something completely out of character for him...we talked it through and decided to work things out and stay together. 

I still havent gotten over it and sometimes still bring it up every once in a while. 

He has been texting the girl he cheated with ever since it happend. 

At first it really bothered me and I didnt want him doing it, but at the same time, I tried to be understanding that she was his friend and that I didnt want to tell him who to be friends with, so I tried coping with it.

Sometimes they go weeks without texting and sometimes they send 50 a day between the two of them.
I tried telling him that it didnt bother me, but for some reason he would hurry and delete the messages so I couldnt read them, or he would lie when asked if he had talked to her lately.

Then just a few weeks ago, I accidently saw an email he'd sent to another random girl online, wanting to chat with her. 

I confronted him, because I was/am tired of feeling crushed and lied to....he apologized and said he needed to be a better person.

Seemed like the perfect time to bring up him hiding the messages, so I did. I told him if he had nothing to hide, then quit doing it. Finding little result, I went to the girl, and asked her to try and get it through his thick skull that I cant stand the secrets.

She confessed that sometimes they probably talk about things they shouldn't and it gets out of hand, but that they are nothing more than friends, and they mean it harmlessly.

Today, I picked up his phone and started reading some of the texts, she did tell him what I said, but he caught me with his phone before I could read them all...


I hate feeling like he hides stuff from me, or that something or someone else is more important than me and our marriage

I guess I am just so confused as to why he wont give her up for the sake of our relationship? I thought telling him it didnt bother me would make him feel like he didnt have to hide anything....but doesnt seem to help.

I love him very much and he says he loves me. 

I just dont know if I should hang in there, or leave, or what.

Please offer any advice! And thanks in advance for listening to my story.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

For an emotional or sexual affair to heal the person who committed the act needs to cut all ties with that person. He crossed the line and commited a crime of breach of trust now he has to pay the piper so to speak. If he honestly wants to keep the marriage he has to make hard choices about what his commitment is. 

draconis


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## blugirl2007 (Aug 24, 2008)

I agree with you there and I have felt as though I have conveyed that message to him. But I suppose he doesnt get it. It breaks my heart time after time when I see a message from her or catch him lying about texting to her. I also feel like any trust I thought had been built up gets knocked right back down. I honestly dont think it would bother me if he said hello or how is the family every once in a while, but when I look at our phone bill and there are 50 messages, I sort of feel compelled to look in his phone, which by the way- he is very very defensive about me even touching it.

I guess I dont know how to get the point across to him. I dont want to have to threaten to leave him for something to change...then again, I cant live like this either....


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Ask to go to marriage counsiling most worth their grain of salt will tell him for you that the only way to rebuild the trust is to stop his shifty behaviors.

draconis


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Drac is right. He must end all contact with her if the two of you are to recover the marriage. They are not just friends, they have had sexual intimacy with each other and the temptation will always be there. As long as he is in contact with her he will be tempted and you will be uncomfortable. You are not picking his friends by demanding he stop contacting her. You are protecting your marriage from another disaster. He needs to understand that. The fact that he is lying to you about the relationship and his wanting to start another chat friend speaks volumes. He needs to commit to you and you only. See that he understands this or as you say you can’t live this way. Good luck.


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## blugirl2007 (Aug 24, 2008)

I am starting to think that is the last hope. It seems whether I say, dont talk to her, or I dont care that you do...he doesnt change his behavior. 

I told a friend of mine, If I had ever known he was like this, I would have never married him. 

Sometimes, I wonder if he really is the man i thought I was marrying.....because until he cheated, I had no idea he was like that....And I really had no clue of his intent or mistake, to cheat until it happend. The guilt was all over his face and in his actions.....

All aside with the texting, our relationship is wonderful in every other aspect. We get along fine, the romance is fine, and etc....


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

I think you forget the fact that people can slip and make mistakes. Him having female friends isn't the problem but the fact he messed up is and that behavior needs to be addressed. He needs to understand he did wrong which at this point it seems he has no remorse and the very thing that he did wrong he is putting himself in the situation to do it again. So I see he has a choice fix the issue so you know he doesn't have that issue again and the fact he loses a friend over it can be a reminder of the damage he can cause or he loses your trust and maybe the relationship.

draconis


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## blugirl2007 (Aug 24, 2008)

Wow, the truth hurts, but yes you are right. I easily let myself forget that he made a mistake, and has yet to make it right. Some how I lose sight of that....and I am not sure how. Its not like waking up next to him everyday isnt a constant reminder....


Thanks for your comments....sometimes I need a reminder of whats really right in front of me.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I would recommend not making any decisions when the result you have in mind is how can I make him stop this behavior. In other words, saying he can talk to her in hopes that will make him be open about his contact with her, etc. I think it will send a confusing message that it possibly doesn't bother you.

Tell him what you need to be loved and feel safe in this marriage and don't settle for lies & deceit or anything less.


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## loveandmarriage (Aug 8, 2008)

If you don't mind me asking: How old are you guys? 

I agree with Draconis. He must end ALL contact with her. Keeping contact with the girl he cheated with, is a sign of disrespect. Regardless if you are comfortable with it.

Your husband is probably justifying in his mind that it is ok to keep contacting the "other woman" (Ex. "my wife said it was ok). However, he is failing to realize that his ACTIONS are speaking very clearly of what his intentions are with this woman. His lies, deceit, and secrecy is sending a message that he does not respect the trust that you have given him. Unfortunately, if this is not 'nipped in the bud", you will be down this road again. 

I would definitely tell him how you feel. It is ok to change your mind. Let him know that because he is being secretive it is raising red flags that are making you uncomfortable. Sometimes men just don't get. So you have to explain it to them and ask them if the tables were turned and I was doing this to you, how would you feel, and what would you need for me to do to help regain trust.


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## blugirl2007 (Aug 24, 2008)

I am 22 and he is 24. We have been together since I was 15 and we got married in 2006. 

I do have to give an update as well...I got the opportunity to go back and read those messages that he caught me reading, and to my surprise, she sent him like 6-7 messages, and he only sent her one...."Not mad, just busy at work"....which was his response to her " I hope telling you what she said isnt making you mad, i am just relaying a message"...

Confusing I know....but he hasnt sent her a text since then. He is off work tomorrow so we will see if he "finds time" to send her messages on his off days......


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## blugirl2007 (Aug 24, 2008)

loveandmarriage said:


> I would definitely tell him how you feel. It is ok to change your mind. Let him know that because he is being secretive it is raising red flags that are making you uncomfortable. Sometimes men just don't get. So you have to explain it to them and ask them if the tables were turned and I was doing this to you, how would you feel, and what would you need for me to do to help regain trust.


I confronted him via a letter. I am terrible at speaking face to face with him because I just cry and he can barely understand me.... He has sent about 75 texts to her just since yesterday... I am not a selfish person, but I have to make the right decision for me. I am too young to have to deal with this the rest of my life. 

He definately isnt the man I married, or at least I thought I married

I hope confronting him doesnt push him further away, but then again, I suppose if it does, then I know that separation is likely the result....

I just dont understand what went wrong and he wont talk about it.....


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Good for you for pursuing an alternative way to communicate with him. If it is difficult for you to get your point across verbally this would be a good option. Some of the most enlightening (and painful) communications my wife and I had early on in our recovery process were emails. If it pushes him further away that’s his choice. He is not respecting you as his wife and his promises in the marriage by continuing to contact her. Stick to your guns!!!


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## robin (Aug 24, 2008)

Once trust is broken it is difficult to trust again. That trust needs to be rebuilt again, which means he needs to prove to you that he can be honest at all times. If your having questions about his actions you do need to go with your intuition. Someone here gave great advice about see a counselor. If he is willing to continue to have a relationship with and really wants to work out it he will see a therapist. You need to come first in the relationship not another woman or anything else for that matter. I wish the best of luck to you.

Robin
Life's Little How To Book


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## blugirl2007 (Aug 24, 2008)

Well guys, I never got to give him the letter...I built myself up the whole way home from work. When I got home, I went in our office to take a minute to gather myself and I found where he went on some Myspace type website, and made a page with a different email address....

Needless to say- I marched in the bedroom, packed my bag..and prepared to leave. He came in and asked what was wrong, and I told him I was tired of living with a liar. We had a cry session and I told him everything I was feeling and told him that I was done living this way and that I expected a change right now or I was out. Ill give it a few days to let him make the necessary dicisions before I know if we can work it out, or let it go....

Thanks for all of the support and advice...I will return with an update in a few days.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

We are here for you. You might consider a keylogger to find out what he really is p too.

draconis


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Hang tough blugirl2007

Sometimes it takes a literal shock for a spouse to realize how deeply troubled a marriage is. Not to appear sexist but I think men suffer from this weakness more than women. It wasn’t until I discovered my wife’s emotional affair that I truly understood. It is referred to as therapy with a 2x4 and it snapped me back into the marriage. Maybe too late. If he decides to stay in the relationship work with him and take your time. Trust is hard to recover and has to be earned by the offending partner. Good luck.


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## blugirl2007 (Aug 24, 2008)

thanks! I really appreciate it. My bag is still packed and by the door. As if he hasnt already had enough "2nd" chances so to speak...I am going to give him 1 more. But I told him that this was it....

Thanks again for the support and hopefully I can come back with some positive news.


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## merry (Aug 29, 2008)

Trust me he is still cheating on YOU!!!!!! Talked to him - if he wants to be with you he need to cut, I mean cut all the communication . Other wise you need to separate from him . 
Life is too little to be wasted ..


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## blugirl2007 (Aug 24, 2008)

Well so far so good. He has not contacted the other girl as far as I can tell, and I have been doing lots of digging...and he hasnt been going on any chat websites or anything...maybe I scared him enough. My guard is still very high and I am still watching very carefully. 

I just wanted to say thanks for all of the comments and support....I will be on my toes and ready if I find that he isnt going to make this work.


<3


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## robin (Aug 24, 2008)

I am proud of you. Be strong and if he cheats again (even on chate websites) dump the chump. You deserve way better. The trust thing will probably linger and will take time. He will have to prove himself. Remember we are all here for you. 

Robin
Life's Little How To Book


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## bluebutterfly0808 (Aug 18, 2008)

blugirl2007 said:


> Well so far so good. He has not contacted the other girl as far as I can tell, and I have been doing lots of digging...and he hasnt been going on any chat websites or anything...maybe I scared him enough. My guard is still very high and I am still watching very carefully.
> 
> I just wanted to say thanks for all of the comments and support....I will be on my toes and ready if I find that he isnt going to make this work.
> 
> ...


just beware! there are other ways to communicate! he could use a tracphone! how would you ever know? just be a super detective & look in his car, etc. good luck! we will be thinking of you & sending you lots of strength!


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