# Am I in trouble with this man?



## willow67 (Sep 22, 2016)

I have never posted online before.

I am a 49 year old woman who is married to a 51 year old man for 9 months. We started our relationship 2 1/2 years ago while we were both ending other marriages. We were all love and thrills, excitement about how we were soulmates and magical dreams.

The problem is - he began having concerns about "duty, honour, obligation" and he started sleeping with his ex-wife again. He then left me, went back to his ex-wife and within 11 hours said it was the worst mistake of his life. He asked me to wait for him while he got his "business" sorted out. It took him 2 months and he was back with me. For the next 3 solid months he was sneaking around trying to get her to sign a separation agreement. He did whatever he could - she told him that she was going to tell me that they were sleeping together again, if he didn't continue to sleep with her. He said he didn't want that to happen. Finally, he had enough and told me himself. We ended up having a confrontation - ALL 3 of us. His ex, me and him. It was epic! I learned lots about him.

In the end, I forgave him. I married him. The issue today? I think he may have a mental health situation. He threatens me daily to leave me. He still defends his ex. He is still more loyal to her than he is to me. He has not been near her for 18 months but she did call him the other day and he took for the call for 10 minutes. 

I feel frightened all the time. He has betrayed me and lied to me in the past without conscience. I have always defended him and I'm not the kind of person to be treated like this. I'm successful, considered beautiful (ex-model), with all the stats etc., intelligent (his mother said I was too smart - because I could see through his shenanigans). We both are well-to-do in our own right. I own two businesses, have a beautiful home of my own, vehicles and everything money could afford. So does he. I love him... I don't want to live without him, but his "loyalty" for his ex, and his lies just kill me. He is a very difficult man. He twists and turns situations and manipulates almost every single detail. 

Wow! As I read this, I think, "What am I doing?" This is crazy - I guess I need to see what you all think... heart is in tatters...


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## rockon (May 18, 2016)

The only "business" that needs to be sorted out is an annulment.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

willow67 said:


> I don't want to live without him, but his "loyalty" for his ex, and his lies just kill me. He is a very difficult man. He twists and turns situations and manipulates almost every single detail.


Why don't you want to live without such a man?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

willow67 said:


> I feel frightened all the time.


You are choosing to live in fear. He is the source of your fear. You stay because you love him, but he is not loving you back. To be free of him is to be free of fear. You choose.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

He is married to you now, and you deserve his full loyalty. The only obligation he can reasonably feel to his ex is for helping her with practical issues that resulted directly from the divorce - paperwork, possible court apperances, child support alimony etc. He under no conditions should in any way be intimate with her while he is married to you.

Despite his words, he has no honor. No sense of duty. He is simply a cheating husband.

I see no reason that you should stay with this man.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Please get the heck out while you are still in the early stages of this madness...........This is insane.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Willow sadly you were sold a bill of goods....time to get rid of him and find a better life and a better man.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

Hahahahahahaha! "Duty, honor, and obligation"....to sleep with the ex-wife by cheating on the girlfriend and current wife.

I guess eventually you hear it all.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

willow67 said:


> I think he may have a mental health situation. He threatens me daily to leave me. He still defends his ex. He is still more loyal to her than he is to me.
> 
> I feel frightened all the time. He has betrayed me and lied to me in the past without conscience. ... I love him... I don't want to live without him, but his "loyalty" for his ex, and his lies just kill me. He is a very difficult man. He twists and turns situations and manipulates almost every single detail.
> 
> This is crazy - I guess I need to see what you all think...


Whether he has mental issues or not, it appears he has a loyalty to his wife that he doesn't have for you. 

And FWIW I have NO clue why you would proclaim you don't want to live without someone who threatens to leave you daily, still has a "thing" for his ex, and makes you feel fearful all the time.

What do I think? This IS crazy. He sounds like an awful person, BUT you love him. What the heck is there to love?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

willow67 said:


> I'm successful, considered beautiful (ex-model), with all the stats etc., intelligent (his mother said I was too smart - because I could see through his shenanigans). We both are well-to-do in our own right. I own two businesses, have a beautiful home of my own, vehicles and everything money could afford. So does he.


I dunno ... decide for yourself. But I've read enough of these posts where the partner/spouse is an intolerable jerk, but both parties are rolling in brains, beauty, and bucks.

These type of posts leave me doubting their authenticity. JMO.


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## willow67 (Sep 22, 2016)

Here's a little update...

Firstly, I'd like to thank you for your words of wisdom. Going through the exercise of writing this stuff out has been somewhat therapeutic. 

I found out today that since April my husband has initiated phone calls with his ex over a dozen times... 

He demanded I leave tonight. He keeps saying he doesn't deserve me... He cried. He says he's got a mental health issue and he can't think straight. He says he doesn't know what's wrong. I'm honestly living in a nightmare here. This is the worst thing I've ever been through. I picked up the phone and called his ex whole he was with me in the room. I left a message and demanded she never call him again... Ugh. Where's the dignity? Maybe I'm losing it now. God help me...


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

willow67 said:


> Here's a little update...
> 
> Firstly, I'd like to thank you for your words of wisdom. Going through the exercise of writing this stuff out has been somewhat therapeutic.
> 
> ...


He is telling you exactly who he is and you are _*IGNORING*_ it!

Believe him! He's sick and confused. You are the only clearly-thinking person now.

I realize you are trying desperately to salvage something here, but you are going to be running a marathon on a near vertical, descending escalator. Why do you want to dance a "pick me" dance?

It is going to exhaust you and burn you out while you wait for him to fix his problems. You certainly can't fix them. HE should have been the one calling his ex wife and telling her to f-off. But he can't because he's not there yet. He may never be there.

You are treating yourself the worst in all of this. You need to start treating yourself better.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Give him exactly what he wants. Leave. The problem that you were having before you got married is the same problem that you're still having now. Leave & require that he receive consistent therapy before even considering moving back in.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Willow,

You wrote *He demanded I leave tonight. He keeps saying he doesn't deserve me... He cried. He says he's got a mental health issue and he can't think straight. He says he doesn't know what's wrong.*

Yes he has an issue he likes to create cheap excuses for himself and plead for sympathy, perhaps he should call his mommy and cry to her.

Let someone else date or marry this guy who will not disconnect from his ex’es. It’s never going to be his fault, over time he will manipulate you to think you caused this.

Get an annulment and get out.

Tamat


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

willow67 said:


> He demanded I leave tonight. He keeps saying he doesn't deserve me... He cried. He says he's got a mental health issue and he can't think straight. He says he doesn't know what's wrong. I'm honestly living in a nightmare here. This is the worst thing I've ever been through. I picked up the phone and called his ex whole he was with me in the room. I left a message and demanded she never call him again... Ugh. Where's the dignity? Maybe I'm losing it now. God help me...



Don't ask yourself what is wrong with this man, asks yourself what is wrong with you for wanting to stay with him. Run fast they other way. Have some respect for yourself and kick this poor excuse for a man to the curb. He's cheated on you, lied to you and obviously lacks any respect for you. You deserve better.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

This one is simple: Get out.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

If someone ever says, "You don't deserve me." Believe them.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

What are you afraid of here? You said you're independently fine, so what's the issue? Why are you not a thousand miles away from this man already?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

He asked you to leave, so you called his ex to tell her never to contact him again. WTF??????

Whether he has "mental" issues or not, just leave. 

Too. Much. Drama.


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

Why should you be the one to leave?


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## willow67 (Sep 22, 2016)

You are all, every single one of you, absolutely right!! What on earth makes me feel like I should ever live like this? Yet, I beg him not to end the marriage. I am ashamed, humiliated and broken. I am also embarrassed to admit that his Mother actually does have a large part in all of this. It just gets worse with each word I write. 

He found out I had written in this forum. He demanded that I immediately delete and unsubscribe. He said, "Everyone will be telling you to run the other way!... They're all a bunch of idiots. They don't know that I have issues"... it appears that he knows this stuff about himself. We don't drink or party but he is becoming more unhinged each day I think.

I am beginning to see more clearly. We are presently at our Villa in Costa Rica but I need the courage to get a plane ticket out of here today! If you are praying people, I really need your prayers. Thank you so much for helping me through this.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

willow67 said:


> He asked me to wait for him while he got his "business" sorted out. It took him 2 months and he was back with me. For the next 3 solid months he was sneaking around trying to get her to sign a separation agreement. He did whatever he could - she told him that she was going to tell me that they were sleeping together again, if he didn't continue to sleep with her. He said he didn't want that to happen. Finally, he had enough and told me himself. We ended up having a confrontation - ALL 3 of us. His ex, me and him. It was epic! I learned lots about him.


What amazes ME is that you waited for this lying POS.



> In the end, I forgave him. I married him. The issue today? I think he may have a mental health situation. He threatens me daily to leave me. He still defends his ex. He is still more loyal to her than he is to me. He has not been near her for 18 months but she did call him the other day and he took for the call for 10 minutes.


I'll bet he hasn't been near her for 18 months. This creep can't be trusted for 18 MINUTES.



> I feel frightened all the time. He has betrayed me and lied to me in the past without conscience. I have always defended him and I'm not the kind of person to be treated like this. I'm successful, considered beautiful (ex-model), with all the stats etc., intelligent (his mother said I was too smart - because I could see through his shenanigans). We both are well-to-do in our own right. I own two businesses, have a beautiful home of my own, vehicles and everything money could afford. So does he. I love him... I don't want to live without him, but his "loyalty" for his ex, and his lies just kill me. He is a very difficult man. He twists and turns situations and manipulates almost every single detail.


That's because he knows he *can*. You showed him EXACTLY how much he can disrespect you and devalue you when you actually took him back after the incredibly low levels he sunk to right after you married him. All bets are off - he knows you won't leave no matter what he does.



> Wow! As I read this, I think, "What am I doing?" This is crazy - I guess I need to see what you all think... heart is in tatters...


I had the same question over and over from your very first post. What are you *doing* - besides swallowing your pride, throwing your dignity in the trash and allowing yourself to be disrespected over and over and over and over and over again? I guess that's a question only you can answer.

I think it's time you went and spent some time reading the CHUMPLADY site. Seriously. Please go there.

Now.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

willow67 said:


> He said, "Everyone will be telling you to run the other way!... They're all a bunch of idiots. They don't know that I have issues"...


We ALL have issues. As far as us TAM'ers being a bunch of idiots? Ah, why the hell not! I'm all for idiocy in all its glory. 



willow67 said:


> We are presently at our Villa in Costa Rica but I need the courage to get a plane ticket out of here today!


From The Pod in Arizona to the villa in Costa Rica: Yes, just gather your courage to leave your island paradise. I live in a studio apartment with an aging cat, and I'd bet a billion dollars my place is far nicer than yours. I don't have an a$$hole to deal with. I have peace of mind. I don't have anyone determining my happiness except ME.

Not that I'm actually believing this thread is authentic ... but what the hey ... it's Saturday night, I'm enjoying a glass of wine, and I've taped "Revenge of the Nerds." Life is good. Very good.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

My last husband divorced me to remarry his first wife. GET OUT NOW.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

COguy said:


> If someone ever says, "You don't deserve me." Believe them.


Definitely!


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## willow67 (Sep 22, 2016)

Thank you so much for your wisdom. I am most definitely feeling as though something has happened to my sense of self throughout this whole sordid mess.

My husband married me with the promise and understanding that faith would be a part of our lives. It is a big part of who I am. Now he has reneged on that too. He no longer wants anything to do with God. I feel as though we won't have much of a chance without Him.

I have been reading about a whole bunch of mental health disorders and I feel he is likely a grown juvenile narcissist who has major issues with his Mother. He has told me that he just wants her to be proud of him (he's 51).

I keep thinking that if I just love him enough, support him, show him that life can be so much better with me, that he'll realize what he has... He sabotages every chance we have for a life together though. He says he does realize what he has... He just says, "I'm so messed up". You should run as fast as you can away from me. Then he shifts and begs me to stay. Life is hard. I feel like I'M starting to lose my mind now.


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## Pam (Oct 7, 2010)

Wait, who owns the villa in Costa Rica? No, it really doesn't matter; just get out. He is making you as crazy as he is! You don't need him, you shouldn't want him, you are simply punishing yourself and letting him punish you for something. I don't care about his mother, or him, or his ex-wife. Get. Out. Now.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

willow67 said:


> Here's a little update...
> 
> Firstly, I'd like to thank you for your words of wisdom. Going through the exercise of writing this stuff out has been somewhat therapeutic.
> 
> ...


Probably not a mental health issue, but probably a personality disorder.

And narcissists make you feel like you're going crazy.

Please read this when you can...


Narcissistic Personality Disorder Symptoms | Psych Central


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

I see brains, beauty, and bucks doesn't always give one self-respect and high self-esteem, OP. As a previous poster said, the question isn't what's wrong with him, it's what's wrong with you? If he can do this and you are still talking about "I can't live without him" it makes me wonder: do you have friends? Are you a conceited person because of your status? That could explain why you fell for a narcissist. Give the ex-wife her garbage back...with a little red ribbon on top.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

willow67 said:


> Thank you so much for your wisdom. I am most definitely feeling as though something has happened to my sense of self throughout this whole sordid mess.
> 
> My husband married me with the promise and understanding that faith would be a part of our lives. It is a big part of who I am. Now he has reneged on that too. He no longer wants anything to do with God. I feel as though we won't have much of a chance without Him.
> 
> ...


Sadly, you ceased to be a victim a while back.

You're now choosing to be a volunteer.

But if that works for you - trying to blame his sh*t behavior on mommy issues and slapping psycho-babble labels on him to absolve him of said sh*t behavior - then more power to you, I guess.

There are infidelity boards out there that will help feed your delusion and encourage you to continue volunteering for this sh*t show at all costs - just google 'surviving infidelity' and you'll find it. Not too many posters on *this* board will encourage you to stay with such a POS, but the other board will.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

The foundation of this "marriage" was built in the fog of adultery. To build a marriage on the destruction of 2 marriages and I gather 2 families is such a negative. I'm sure on some forums, you're considered a winner, thinking LS, in the real world, you both are faulty partners that were not ready for marriage. 

There's a reason that people are always advised against dating someone that's going through a divorce. Quite a few times, like your husband, they decide to work things out. I have no doubt that if you weren't in the picture, your husband would have tried HARD to save his prior marriage.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

willow67 said:


> I have been reading about a whole bunch of mental health disorders and I feel he is likely a grown juvenile narcissist who has major issues with his Mother. He has told me that he just wants her to be proud of him (he's 51).


Why? So what benefit is it to know his problems and issues have a label? Work on your own issues. Believe me, you have enough of your own to work on.



willow67 said:


> I keep thinking that if I just love him enough, support him, show him that life can be so much better with me, that he'll realize what he has... He sabotages every chance we have for a life together though.


You don't have the power to change anyone. You can only change yourself. He's guilty of lying and cheating. He's asked you to leave. This guy is a toxic mess. Just leave already.

And I still doubt the authenticity of this. JMO.


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