# Is it just me



## mandmmom (Jan 30, 2009)

I am married to the person I've been with on and off since I was 16. I am now 35. I don't feel he is supportive the way he should be. I am a nurse and wanted to take a job with normal hours and he talked me out of it because he doesn't want the kids in daycare. My daughter is 4 and son 7 and in 2 years will both be in grade school. But I turned down an opportuninty because he made me feel guilty about wanting a normal life for myself. Now I accepted a position working night shift- three 12 hour shifts a week. And my schedule is turned upsside down but everyone else if happy so that's all that matters to him.

He makes me feel guilty about everything. I used to smoke and he never said a word about it. In fact he told me to go buy a pack and got me started again when I had quit for over a year one time. (long story my son had a bunch of dental work done and I was a basket case as it was traumatic for him) 

Anyway. I don't know where to go from here. I am embarrassed to say I don't have any close friends. And I don't want to burden my sisters with my problems. I just feel very alone and wonder if he is really on my side sometimes. I used to trust him completely but that is gone. I even went as far as to develop a relationship with a person online and just wound up feeling guilty about that as well. I just don't know if I am asking too much or if it's my own depressiion that's causing all the problem and not my husband after all. 

It's like even the things he does to help out like getiing the kids ready for school and on the bus is just something he uses to make me feel bad. He throws it in my face and makes me feel like a bad mom. He can never do anything without being pissed off and mean about it. Makes me wish he didn't do it at all.

I don't want to get a divorce and disrupt my kids life and my own for that matter. I just dont think it's normal to be this unhappy all the time. 

Thanks for any advice you could give me.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

ok, i wonder if this might help.
you have to do a bit of brain training and realisation.
i did 2 yrs of nights (3 per week)for the sake of family life, it was easier. i admit to missing home, but i personally didnt want and couldnt afford to put my children in paid care.
we wouldnt have had a life, paying so much out and this is reality.
i feel like i fought my H to on these issues as i prob stil do.
its somehow always seems easier for men.
but this is the realisation-
my H explained this to me and i think hes right.
in the male industry if he doesnt work full time, hes out, because its easy to replace him. my H is self employed but also works for contractors.
now in the female industry and im a nurse also.
its easier for me to juggle shifts around the children. i get paid sick leave and carers leave. i get holiday pay.
my H doesnt have those benefits. 
so its easier for me and yes i do get tired of it. life seems unfare that its you always having to juggle. 
but as women (my opinion) were better at juggling and our environment allows us that ,yes its called "freedom of choice".

after 2 yrs , nights stopped and i began days again. home life changed again and the children were older. so by now they were in full time education.

its not that everyone is happy in your home , whilst your not. its just easier and your all benefitting, even if your not fussed on things yourself. 
we all have bad and good days.
try taking the acceptance strategy on your issue. accept it .
but you must take time out for yourself and on another occasion go out for a meal with H. 
I have done this with my H, ive told him he's right and he changes. as if , oh she not fighting me and its changes the mood. 
as for the friends i dont have friends either. i have one really good mate, one really good farm colleague and i work with work colleagues. so thats my lot and im not embarrased. 
most of the friends from the past voodoo dolled me n e way.
best not to have them.
i found in my situations family were better. regardless if you dont see them often there stil your family. talk to your sister.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

I worked 13 years of third shift so that I could manage the kids while my wife worked 11am-8pm during the days. For the last five years she has worked nights. We have done this for our children and her college schedule. Since I now own my own business I can't do the overnights like when I use to work for someone else but in another few years the wife will have the choice of what she wants to do. Sometimes family requires a sacrofice. My wife and I have switched not only shifts but jobs in the marriage too.

draconis


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## mandmmom (Jan 30, 2009)

Okay thanks for the input. I know marriage is a two way street I guess I just don't feel strongly enought about him to make the effort sometimes. I just get tired of shouldering the responsiblitly for the most part. As far as financial decisions, buying Christmas presents, 401K, college funds he sits back and lets me worry about it. I know he was like this when I married him I just don't think this is what I want anymore. I think marriage should be more of a partnership and I'm tired of begging for his input and never getting any. I literally have to pull everything out of him or there would be no communication at all. I think thats how he gets back at me alot of times. By just giving me the silent treatment and literally not saying a word to me ever unless I call or talk to him. It's very hurtful and makes me feel not worth anything. Like the only thing he's interested in is having sex and he would be content if he never talked to me again. I feel like I deserve more out of a relationship than that. 

I tell him all the time we need to take time for ourselves as we never do anything without the kids and he seems to feel guilty doing anything without them- as do I. but it makes for a very stressful relationsip. Don't get me wrong I love spending family time together but there's no us anymore. Only us + the kids. It's not really a break at all. 

Thanks for listening to me vent. I know relationships are hard and nothings perfect but I wonder sometimes if we are on a sinking ship. I feel that way sometimes because we are not intimate in any way anymore other than physically. I crave that attention from other people as I am not getting it from him. 

Thanks for listening again. You have been very helpful. If nothing else it helps to know others have been through similar things.


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