# Should I keep my friend's secret?



## reesespieces (Aug 3, 2009)

One of my friends (I'll call Sue) recently decided to cut ties off with the rest of our friend group. I was the first to notice when I received a message from her saying she was starting her life over and was cutting people off. We all live in different states and don't get to see each other often, but we keep in touch on a daily or at least a few days each week.

A few months ago, she told me a secret about her marriage. Sue was so desperate to save her marriage that she and her husband decided to have affairs with other people. When she told me about this I was shocked. I actually thought she was crazy and tried to talk some sense into her. Sue never listened, and knew where I stood and after some time she and I discontinued talking. Not because I wanted to, but because Sue would always tell me she was too busy. 

The rest of our friend group have been inquiring about her for some time but all she does is texts someone with "I'm ok." I know that isn't true as I found out she and her husband are now getting a divorce. No one else knows she was swinging except me. 

I feel like I have to go to the grave with her secret. Everyone in our friend group continues to ask about her and wonders what is going on. On one hand...I don't think it's my secret to tell. I think SHE should have the balls to let everyone know what is really going on because Sue would always tell me she was about integrity. On the other hand, I didn't want to know this secret. I had asked her what was going on with her life one day and she told me the details. What should I do?


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

If she had confessed that she and her husband had made really bad financial decisions and this caused the destruction of their marriage, would you feel the need to blab about that?

I'd say cut her out of your life if you need or want to, but don't bother sharing any of the details you know. But I'm curious if I'm in a minority thinking that...

C


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Be discrete. You have whispered amidst the rushes on TAM
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## reesespieces (Aug 3, 2009)

2ntnuf said:


> Decide whether you want to keep her as a friend or find someone who you respect.


Well she's cut me off, too. I pretty much have no way of contacting her.


----------



## BeeHive (Sep 28, 2013)

Just keep it to yourself. Otherwise it's gossip.


----------



## reesespieces (Aug 3, 2009)

What am I supposed to say when the rest of our friends ask me if I knew anything? I've already been asked that twice, mostly because on Sue's social network page she announced that she was cutting off people in connection to her past. Do I just play dumb?


----------



## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

WHy do yo feel obliged to tell your other friends. Tell them it is not your business. One day they will learn that sue and h are divorced. It does not have to come from you.


----------



## ManOhMan2013 (Aug 1, 2013)

reesespieces said:


> One of my friends (I'll call Sue) recently decided to cut ties off with the rest of our friend group. I was the first to notice when I received a message from her saying she was starting her life over and was cutting people off. We all live in different states and don't get to see each other often, but we keep in touch on a daily or at least a few days each week.
> 
> A few months ago, she told me a secret about her marriage. Sue was so desperate to save her marriage that she and her husband decided to have affairs with other people. When she told me about this I was shocked. I actually thought she was crazy and tried to talk some sense into her. Sue never listened, and knew where I stood and after some time she and I discontinued talking. Not because I wanted to, but because Sue would always tell me she was too busy.
> 
> ...


*Trust me. You're NOT the only one who knows about this secret.
Benjamin Franklin said "Three can keep a secret, if two of them are dead." I am almost certain a few of your other friends know of her swinging life style. At least that's what my gut tells me.

Having said that, why would you sell yourself short and damage your own integrity by revealing your friends "swinging life style" to the other friends in your life? You're better than that!!

Oh, and just stop trying to contact your friend. Once she realizes no one is trying to reach her she will miss the attention an reach out to you all again.*


----------



## reesespieces (Aug 3, 2009)

TBH I doubt she will miss the attention. It was another friend that texted her. 

The thing is, I dislike knowing that I have to keep her secret. I know this sounds bad, but everyone else has this rosy view of her as if she can do no wrong, yet in the months past she'd try to tell me all her dirty secrets and then say how she wanted to keep her "good girl image" with everyone.


----------



## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

I agree... I don't think it is anyone else's business. If Sue were my friend, I would send her an email letting her know that you are sorry for her divorce, but hope she can find it in herself to not hold that against you. She is deflecting the pain from her divorce into anyone that was a part of that past. I don't think she knows how to move forward without severing ties right now. Just let her know that you are uncomfortable having to lie, but will keep her secret... And mention how much you care about her and hope she can find it in herself to your friendship. 

I'm sorry for your position... Really stinks.


----------



## reesespieces (Aug 3, 2009)

I think I will do just that, Pepper. I doubt she'll consider allowing us into her life again, but I think she should know how uncomfortable of a position this puts me in.


----------



## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

Take it to the grave, there is nothing useful for gossiping about your friend.
Whether you agree with her lifestyle choices is a moot point, her secrets are not yours to share.
If your mutual friends keep asking, just say to them, "I haven't heard from her, I'm not sure what her situation is."
It's not a lie & it stops the questions.


----------



## BeeHive (Sep 28, 2013)

Just say, "I'm not sure what's going on." It's true since you haven't heard from her in awhile.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Many people have skeletons in their closet and she's no different. I know plenty of dirty secrets about people and have no desire to share with anyone other than my trusted husband.

Have you looked deep inside yourself as to why this bothers you so much? Is it the lying to your friends? That's what would get me. Everyone asking and you aren't at liberty to say. That would make me uncomfortable.

What I'd do in that case is let time heal this. Eventually people still stop talking about her and she'll be yesterdays news. I've seen it happen time and time again. It's still new so it's all the buzz. It won't last.


----------



## reesespieces (Aug 3, 2009)

Mavash. said:


> Many people have skeletons in their closet and she's no different. I know plenty of dirty secrets about people and have no desire to share with anyone other than my trusted husband.
> 
> Have you looked deep inside yourself as to why this bothers you so much? * Is it the lying to your friends? That's what would get me. Everyone asking and you aren't at liberty to say. That would make me uncomfortable.
> *
> What I'd do in that case is let time heal this. Eventually people still stop talking about her and she'll be yesterdays news. I've seen it happen time and time again. It's still new so it's all the buzz. It won't last.


Bingo. I'm kind of hoping with the holidays in a couple of months and so forth, I will get less or no questions.


----------



## Tufluv (Oct 27, 2010)

It sounds like keeping her secret is making you feel like you have to be dishonest to others when they ask. That is not fair. Personally, I'm a straight shooter with friends, detest lying and won't let others make me do things I am uncomfortable with. But that get's me into a lot of trouble. So, with that disclosure, this is what I would do. I would email her and tell her that you are constantly being asked how she is doing and that lying to your friends is making you feel very uncomfortable. I would email her and ask her what she want's you to tell people when they ask about her. That should help get you off the hook for feeling like you need to either lie to people or gossip behind her back if you tell the truth. Even if she does not respond, at least you tried to do the right, honest thing.


----------



## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Your friend is probably totally humiliated and disgusted with herself for agreeing to the swinging lifestyle. On top of that, it didn't work and her husband left her anyway. She knows that when her friends find out they will all want to know "why". She doesn't want to tell them, she doesn't want them to know, and she doesn't want to talk about it. That is why she cut off connections with you and her other friends.

I am at a complete loss as to why you would even think about sharing this information with people whom it is none of their business. Have a little bit of respect for yourself and your friend. Keep your mouth shut. All you have to do is say "I don't know". Why would you feel guilty for staying quiet and having integrity? If you start blabbing, that is when you should feel guilty.


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

This is why I don't trust anyone other then my husband. If I tell my husband something that I ask him not to tell anyone, he WILL take it to his grave. I'll do the same for him and any other friend I have. I'm not one to go blabbing other people's lives either. 

Keep it to yourself and forget about it. "Sue" has enough to deal with in her life. She doesn't need this to come back and haunt her, especially if she wants to change her ways and improve herself.


----------



## reesespieces (Aug 3, 2009)

Tufluv said:


> It sounds like keeping her secret is making you feel like you have to be dishonest to others when they ask. That is not fair. Personally, I'm a straight shooter with friends, detest lying and won't let others make me do things I am uncomfortable with. But that get's me into a lot of trouble. So, with that disclosure, this is what I would do. I would email her and tell her that you are constantly being asked how she is doing and that lying to your friends is making you feel very uncomfortable. I would email her and ask her what she want's you to tell people when they ask about her. That should help get you off the hook for feeling like you need to either lie to people or gossip behind her back if you tell the truth. Even if she does not respond, at least you tried to do the right, honest thing.


I actually agree with you and in other situations would do what was suggested. However, from now on I am going to direct any inquiries to her-- and I think she should be able to speak for herself. I won't speak for her anymore, and I've already sent her an email as well. 

FWIW, I didn't ask for her to tell me this. She told me because she thought I would be "supportive." I wasn't of course. Sue's marriage had been on the rocks for a while before the swinging, and she's even gone so far to announce her separation from him on her myspace page. In a way she already outed herself and cut everyone off. If anyone asks, I'll say "you should ask Sue."


----------



## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

You're asking if you have a moral obligation to gossip about your friend, or ex-friend, to your other, local friends? No, you don't. In fact, some people might even argue that your moral obligation is to refrain from gossiping about your friend.

You don't want to lie to your friends when they ask you for intimate details of your friend's sex life? You could always tell them that it's none of their business. That sometimes works.

You are upset because people have a high opinion of your friend and you would like to set the record straight by publicizing her immoral activities? Again, I wouldn't. Only fools believe that other people are perfect. And, since it is common knowledge that she is divorcing, it stands to reason that reasonable people should conclude that she might not be a perfect wife.

I think you should hold your tongue and let your friend decide for herself what she wants the general public to know about her immoral behavior.


----------



## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

_Take it to the grave, there is nothing useful for gossiping about your friend.
Whether you agree with her lifestyle choices is a moot point, her secrets are not yours to share.
If your mutual friends keep asking, just say to them, "I haven't heard from her, I'm not sure what her situation is."
It's not a lie & it stops the questions. _

:iagree: One thing: You only have her word for it that both she and her H were stepping outside the marriage. Maybe it was only her and she was putting on a good front. Best to let it lay.


----------



## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

PHTlump said:


> You're asking if you have a moral obligation to gossip about your friend, or ex-friend, to your other, local friends? No, you don't. In fact, some people might even argue that your moral obligation is to refrain from gossiping about your friend.
> 
> You don't want to lie to your friends when they ask you for intimate details of your friend's sex life? You could always tell them that it's none of their business. That sometimes works.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

There's something else that may be at play here. Shame. Maybe she's ashamed of the depths she went to trying to save her marriage. Maybe she cut you off because you know how low she sank and she can't face you. Maybe she's cutting everyone else off because she assumes you let the cat out of the bag already and she's ashamed to face them.

Maybe the message you should be sending her is something along these lines: "You know I think you made the wrong decision but I still respect you. One bad decision made in desperation to save your marriage doesn't make you a bad person, and the fact that I disapproved of that decision doesn't make me any less your friend. I haven't repeated anything you told me and I won't unless you ask me to. If you don't want to be my friend anymore that's your call, but I'm going to continue to be your friend."

She sounds like she really needs friends right now. If you show her how good a friend you really are it might save her friendships with the whole group.


----------



## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

What good can be achieved by sharing your friend's secret with your friends? If she wanted them to know she would have told them. I would keep it to yourself.


----------

