# Am I such a bad mother?



## shelleyv

My daughter is at a very difficult age right now, she is almost three and everything is a mission, from getting dressed, to eating, to bathing. Nothing is easy. At this stage, there is more fighting, nagging, tantrums etc in our house than anything else and it is rather daunting. On top of this my husband is not supportive, and according to him i am the worst mother in the world. If thats the case, why does my daughter want me and not him. I dont dress her right, i dont bath her right, i dont feed her properly - the list goes on and on. I do everything i can for this child, as a mother does. i have no social life as i choose to spend my time at home with her above all else. I take her to school, fetch her, bath her, dress her, feed her, take her to the doctor, give her medicine when she is ill, pay her school fees, buy her clothes and toys, take her to parties, organise birthday parties (and pay for it all), teach her, love her, take care of her. What more can i do?


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## martino

You can do a lot more. Start by teaching her some independance skills that are age appropriate. Google search her age and what she should be doing independantly. Start watching Super Nanny and look into her books. Parents these days are amazingly over indulgent and spoiling. It's a trend that needs to stop.


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## preso

How about teaching her disipline ?
I don't see that on your list.


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## LaBella

martino said:


> You can do a lot more. Start by teaching her some independance skills that are age appropriate. Google search her age and what she should be doing independantly. Start watching Super Nanny and look into her books. Parents these days are amazingly over indulgent and spoiling. It's a trend that needs to stop.


:iagree: absolutely with martino, it is never late to learn more, being a parent is also knowing when to say NO, when to ground, do timeouts and show the children that you are the parent not one of their friends, spoiling is something that it is very easy to do and very difficult to eliminate, I have a child that is a brat but she knows how much she can push my buttons before she get in trouble. Learning to be tough is hard being a mother is harder.




preso said:


> How about teaching her disipline ?
> I don't see that on your list.



:iagree: with preso here, you have to teach her discipline, to learn that when you say NO it means NO, that crying, and trowing tantrums are a big NO and she will get timeouts for it, or maybe not going to the park or watching TV, those are disciplines that you have to teach.

But if your H has a problem with the way you are raising your D then tell him to do it himself and see if he can do a better job, or at tleast to help with it, when at least one of the parents is strict things run for the better, tell him to help you raise her and teach her what he thinks you are laking. Sometimes it is easier to critize than to go down and do it yourself. When you get your hands dirty then you appreciate a little bit more what the other person is doing.


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## martino

I say Shelley spend some of that money you are spending on toys and possesions on some knowledge. 

Amazon.com: Supernanny


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## Mommybean

Sorry hun, all the things you listed are just simply part of being a parent. You don't get kudos or a parade for doing the things that are your responsibility. I have a 2 year old and a 4 year old. Yes, some days are battles, but there are far LESS battles if you set boundaries and stick to them. Kids her age, its their JOB to test their boundaries and it is YOUR job to enforce them. How consistent are you with what you allow and don't allow? It's easy to give in when the child is screaming (yep, i've done it) but all it teaches them is that if they throw a big enough temper tantrum , they are gonna get what they want. So, she won't get dressed? Then, she misses whatever activity it was you were going to do. If she won't eat, she gets down from the table with NO treats the rest of the night. NO child that age has ever starved themselves. When you try to force her to eat, it creates a power struggle, and there is NO need for one. Kids her age, generally eat about 5 small meals... they do not eat the way adults do. 
Fighting and tantrums? Why? We use a very calm, but assertive approach with our boys. Even if she is screaming, talk to her in a CALM yet firm, low voice. She will eventually stop the screaming and mimic the same tone/level you use with her. Once again, if she knows what to expect each time, the amount of confrontations you have will drastically diminish. She is also old enough for time-outs. At her age, it should be 2 minutes (a minute per year of age) and the count does not START until she is calm. 
As for your H, you guys need to have a talk. You HAVE to be on the same page with parenting, so that once again, she KNOWS what to expect each and every time. You two cannot show discord around her when it comes to discipline...present a united front, even if you have to discuss it later. 
And, as for you...you HAVE to get some time for yourself. We all need downtime, and you will be a far better mom if you take care of yourself and your needs too.


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## martino

Huge words of wisdom from MommyBean, all golden truths. Every interaction with your child creates a history of conditioning. Either the child conditions you or you condition the child.


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## Sensitive

No, you are not a bad mother! Parenting is very difficult and all the self-help books in the world can't help every parent-child situation. I think your husband needs to share more in the parenting, as it is a complete insult to be so critical, and yet you feel you have no life outside being a mother. I often feel overwhelmed, too. Keep trying new ideas untill something clicks. Do you belong to any mother's groups? Often they offer playdates as well as support for new mothers with similar concerns. Good luck, and welcome to the forum.


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## martino

It is very difficult if one wants to never learn something new and think differently and keep doing things the same way wondering why they aren't getting a better result. As the old saying goes: *"If you keep doing what you're doing, you'll keep getting what you are getting." *

Some people need help and education plain and simple. Sure she should get time to herself and come to an agreement with her hubby, but to say all the parenting books won't help is pure ignorance in my opinion. When it comes to parenting kids this little, most situations are about the same. 1.child wants>2.parent denies>3.argument occurs>4.result 

She isn't a bad mother, but needs to learn new skills by the sounds of it.

M



Sensitive said:


> No, you are not a bad mother! Parenting is very difficult and all the self-help books in the world can't help every parent-child situation. I think your husband needs to share more in the parenting, as it is a complete insult to be so critical, and yet you feel you have no life outside being a mother. I often feel overwhelmed, too. Keep trying new ideas untill something clicks. Do you belong to any mother's groups? Often they offer playdates as well as support for new mothers with similar concerns. Good luck, and welcome to the forum.


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## paintmelines

Shes 3. honor her where she is at. Dont expect more then she can give in her developmental stage. Meet her there. Than...dont play her game any more. simple answers for her tantrums...and then change her attention to posative things to do with her energy. Dont fight make it short to the point and move on. GIve her a lot of attention for her correct behaviors and almost non for the naughty or unacceptable ones. she 3 shes gonna cry. let her be 3 sometimes. she cant be an adult or feel or act like one dont expect waht she cannot give.


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## shelleyv

Hi all
Thanks for the advice - some of it I agree with and some of it I dont. I dont think there is a perfect parent out there, I think we all learn as we go along, and each family situation is different. Its all good and well to say I should gain more knowledge, but at the end of the day, what works for one parent, might not work for another. I agree with being consistent and I most definately try, but there are days when it easier to give in! My fault I know. But thats life. Define discipline guys. Time-out, hidings, naughty corner, no TV, no treat. Whats the best thing at that time? Who knows. Most of the time you go with your gut and your emotional state of mind at the time. My only consolation is going to birthday parties and hearing other mothers complaining of the exact same things - this way I know I am not alone. My husband and I definately dont agree on the parenting thing, this makes it hard. However we are trying. The reason I wrote this post is because I truly believe I am doing the best that I can with my child, as most mothers do, yet I am made to feel that I am the worst mother. Is there such a thing as a bad mom? I dont know. Is it not in your natural instint to do the best for your kids? I think it is. We might not always make the right decisions, but we certainly do it with the right intentions


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## LaBella

shelleyv said:


> Define discipline guys. Time-out, hidings, naughty corner, no TV, no treat. Whats the best thing at that time? Who knows. Most of the time you go with your gut and your emotional state of mind at the time.


You are right and parenting is so different between each person, you and your H should sit down and talk about parenting your D, take and stand and use what you both feel is the best of each. If he really has problems with the way you parent then he should be more involve, but one thing you guys should not do under any circumstances is to argue on we the other may think is a bad decision in front of her, she will see it and use it to her advantage. If he has a problem witht he way you are doing something then discuss it alone, but never in front of her.



shelleyv said:


> The reason I wrote this post is because I truly believe I am doing the best that I can with my child, as most mothers do, yet I am made to feel that I am the worst mother. Is there such a thing as a bad mom? I dont know. Is it not in your natural instint to do the best for your kids? I think it is. We might not always make the right decisions, but we certainly do it with the right intentions


I am not telling you that you are a bad mom, or the worse mother ever, I will never say something like without even knowing you, you are doing what you believe is the best for your family and that is all right, and Yes, it is the natural instinct to the the best for our kids, but within reason, please remember that if we spoil them to much there will be consequences. But you post it for advice and we are trying to give you some, it is up to you to follow what your heart tells you, but some of us have older kids and seeing to much with either our own, we are ll humans and make mistakes, or with our kids friends.

I have 1 example to give you: My next door neighbors only have 1 girl, she is 11 years old and spoiled rotten, she is sneaky, noisy, bossy and a liar, her parents believe everything she tells them even when as an adult you can pretty much tell that something does not make sense. She get away with absolutely anything, they also buy her anything she wants, when she wants it regardless if she needs it or not. My D told me that she has a pretty prom dress that at age 11 already bought to use for her "Prom 7 years away". She likes to play with the other kids but everybody has to do want SHE wants to do, if 1 of them refuse she goes crying to her parents and tells them that the kid was mean to her or whatever, and the parents come to your house accusing your child of being mean to hers, without hearing the other side of the story.

These are just a couple of examples of how she is, Are her parents bad? I do not think so, are they overindulging, hell YES, this kid is going to have a lot of problems later in life I can warranty you that.

As mothers we like to the the best for our kids, but they should also know what is acceptable behaviour and what is not. Are emotional state sometimes cannot be in the middle. My youngest D (11 yol) was sexually abuse by her teacher, my emotional state is horrible due to the consequences, but if I start letting her get away with everything because of what happened to her then things will get worse. Kids need discipline and at any age need to learn that we are the parents and we are the ones with the last word. If I had not establish that early on life my 16 yol will be crawling all over my back by now, but she knows how much she can go for before she gets in trouble and that is what our children need to learn, that every bad behaviour has consequences and that as parents, even thougt we love them and will give our lives for them, we will not let them do something that it is not acceptable.

Please talk to your husband and get in some sort of agreement with him, take the advice everybody has given you and use what you thing is the best for you, but keep in mind that how we raise our kids today, is how they will behave in the future and nobody like to have a kid in their house that trows trantrums evey time that does not get what it wants, it is OK to spoil our kids, but not so much that their behoviur and you parenting will be critize be kids, teachers and paretns alike when she grows up. 

*Good luck and do not feel bad, you are not a bad mom.*


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## amberlynn

I have a 2 year old that acts just like this, altho I have no problem makin him eat..he eats all the time..but throwin the fits and screamin, oh yea, i know exactly how you feel. Its a hard thing to deal with, but you get thru it. He likes watchin spongebob, and if he throws a fit for not getting his way, he doesnt watch spongebob for the day, or I make him lay in his bed with no tv and no toys, most of the time he falls asleep. My husband is greatly involoved, some things we dont agree on seein how we were both raised differently. But as mentioned above, dont argue in front of your daughter, it will turn on you. My son picks up everything he hears, and repeats it. Some words you just wouldnt believe. I think your situation would go alot smoother if your husband would stop bein crude and step in and help you, he did help you make her, he needs to help you raise her. Youre not a bad mom, no one is perfect, but i dont think theres is a such thing as a bad mom. Try the time outs, it may work. Best of Luck!


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## Mommybean

Sorry, there IS such a thing as a bad mom. All you have to do is open the newspaper or watch tv, and that point can be proven. Do I think you ARE one...no. We are all given the ability to have kids...but that feat of nature does NOT mean it is inherent within us to be nurturing parents. Once again, its the nature vs. nurture phenomenon. 
My point about dsicipline is that you have to pick a system and stick with it. If its the time out, then thats what you use...no matter WHERE you are. Every place I can think of has an area that can be used for that. If your child is throwing a fit in a store/restaurant...REMOVE them. Not only do other customers deserve that respect, but your child has to know that they will not be allowed to carry on like that in public. 
I know its easy to give in, but you make it THAT much harder on yourself and your child when you do that, because she will always try to push just in case thats the time you are going to give in again.


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## martino

shelleyv said:


> Hi all
> Thanks for the advice - some of it I agree with and some of it I dont. I dont think there is a perfect parent out there, I think we all learn as we go along, and each family situation is different. Its all good and well to say I should gain more knowledge, but at the end of the day, what works for one parent, might not work for another.
> 
> Sure because one parent may be more skilled at parenting than another.
> 
> I agree with being consistent and I most definately try, but there are days when it easier to give in! My fault I know. But thats life. Define discipline guys. Time-out, hidings, naughty corner, no TV, no treat. Whats the best thing at that time?
> 
> Discipline is really a consequence. People use consequences to decrease the likeliness of that behavior occuring again. So you have to analyze your consequences and their effectiveness. Example: If you took your child to McDonalds Mon-Tue-Wed then Thursday you had plans again to go to McD, child acts up and you say: "No McD today!" well that consequence has no effectiveness because child has been saturated with McD already that week.
> 
> Who knows. Most of the time you go with your gut and your emotional state of mind at the time.
> 
> That's due to little/no knowledge on proven parenting techniques. People always rely on emotional state of mind when they have nothing else to go on.
> 
> My only consolation is going to birthday parties and hearing other mothers complaining of the exact same things - this way I know I am not alone.
> 
> You are not alone in unskilled parenting that is...
> 
> My husband and I definately dont agree on the parenting thing, this makes it hard. However we are trying.
> 
> How are you and him trying? have you written out house ground rules? what will happen if they are broken?
> 
> The reason I wrote this post is because I truly believe I am doing the best that I can with my child, as most mothers do, yet I am made to feel that I am the worst mother. Is there such a thing as a bad mom? I dont know.
> 
> Bad mothers are on CNN every day. You just need to learn some techniques.
> 
> Is it not in your natural instint to do the best for your kids?
> 
> Love is the natural instinct. You can love your child and still parent them with or without skill.
> 
> 
> I think it is. We might not always make the right decisions, but we certainly do it with the right intentions


Here:

Supernanny - Parenting Advice - Supernanny Techniques


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## Lorane

Well you are right, but still you have to try to be a good parent. The issues you are facing is not by only you many of us had experienced it. Let your child do some with himself try to understand what he/she wants. I would like to suggest you FREE Parenting Resources - Child n' Parent this site will help you know about to adjust with these problems. Here you may know great tips about good parenting and child health.


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