# I'll be married soon



## BeingFair (Sep 2, 2019)

Hello , 

I'm dating a woman since 4 years ago , everything is good and no issues but she started talking about marriage and I was hesitant at the beginning but then I said ok and I felt I'm ready to make this step . 

we both are matured , we both are 40 years old .... she have a good heart and we really love each other . 

Next step is to get married and we are planning for that but I'm trying also to avoid any future issues and to make the marriage work.

I live in an apartment and she have a house and I'm planning to move to live with her , I'm financially stable and she know that but for me to move to live in her house is not an easy step . 

I'm thinking of the following options :

1- Buy another house, share the mortgage with her and we live in it " this option may take some time to find a house and sell her house"
2- Live in her house and pay her a monthly rent and keep the house on her name

I'm a fair person and I don't want trouble in the future because of something silly like that so i really need your advice .


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Whatever you do, TALK with her about this and let her know your views on this. I'm sure you can both get to a decent conclusion for your marriage.
FWIW, I have a friend who got married very late in life (50+) and both he and his wife had fully paid-off houses.
They decided to sell both, and they bought a new place to begin their life together -- that way they were both in it equally.


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## BeingFair (Sep 2, 2019)

Right for sure I should talk with her about it but I was trying to think of options before I start the discussion.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

is she expecting you to pay for part of her mortgage ? that is the case you are better off buying a place together...either-wise you have no equity in her place


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Is she still paying on her house? Is your name going to be going on the deed? Will you be going any kind of joint accounts? Your name on utilities?

Moving into her house would be no different then her moving into yours, if you had one, as is "traditionally" done. Having a joint account that an agreed amount of money goes into for mortgage and bills is a good idea, but don't shy away from having separate personal accounts. My legal wife and I have been together for over 20 years and still maintain separate accounts. A common question when shopping or going out is who's paying. 

I'll throw out more questions you two should be considering if I think of them.

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## BeingFair (Sep 2, 2019)

maquiscat said:


> Is she still paying on her house? Is your name going to be going on the deed? Will you be going any kind of joint accounts? Your name on utilities?
> 
> Moving into her house would be no different then her moving into yours, if you had one, as is "traditionally" done. Having a joint account that an agreed amount of money goes into for mortgage and bills is a good idea, but don't shy away from having separate personal accounts. My legal wife and I have been together for over 20 years and still maintain separate accounts. A common question when shopping or going out is who's paying.
> 
> ...


Yes she is still paying on her house , she paid only like 5 years and still 25.

She like the house for now and she says we can live in it for a year or two then buy another one together . 

I never thought about having my name on the house deed or the utilities ... what are the advantages ? if i want to make it win-win relationship and fair 

Thanks


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

Is she paying for the house on her own?

You could buy a 2nd vacation house for you both to share.


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## BeingFair (Sep 2, 2019)

oldtruck said:


> Is she paying for the house on her own?
> 
> You could buy a 2nd vacation house for you both to share.


Yes we can buy a 2nd house and share it but then later she may say you are staying in my house for free


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

In a community property state, if you marry, all assets accumulated after marriage are spilt 50/50 in divorce. They are community property. 

That means that the assets belong to both of you. All assets that existed before marriage are sole-property, belong to the person who held them before marriage.

Something like a house sort-of startles the two joint-property/sole-property.

The amount of equity that she has at the date of marriage belongs solely to her.
The amount of equity that accurses after the date of marriage is community property. That means that it's 50% yours.

So let's say that on the day you marry, she has $25,000 equity in the house. 
After some years of marriage you divorce and now there is $100,000 equity in the house. 

In a divorce, she gets her $25,000 of equity that was hers before she married you.
Then the two of you split 50/50 the $remaining $75,000 equity.

It does not matter if your name is on the mortgage or the deed. You have claim to 50% of the community portion of the equity.

Now if you want your name on the deed, then you will also have to be added to the mortgage. So if you move into her house you both might want to consider refinancing. 

If you refinance and have your name on the deed, you would be 50% owner. So, if you do that, you should give her 50% of the current equity. Otherwise she is gifting you 50% of her asset (home equity) and this is not fair to her.

Or you two could buy a house together. This is actually the best thing to do when you marriage. Start out the new marriage in a home that neither of you owned before the marriage. That way there is not feeling that it's her house, not your. It's both of your's house.

If she owns this home when you get married and/or if either of you have any significant assets (she as one... her house), you would be best to draw up a prenuptial agreement that states very clearly what the pre-marriage sole property is.


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## BeingFair (Sep 2, 2019)

EleGirl said:


> In a community property state, if you marry, all assets accumulated after marriage are spilt 50/50 in divorce. They are community property.
> 
> That means that the assets belong to both of you. All assets that existed before marriage are sole-property, belong to the person who held them before marriage.
> 
> ...




I think I like the idea of buying a new house as soon as possible like 6 months after marriage in case she want try sell her house . 

Her only assets is what she paid on the house during the last 5 years and yes it should be only her ......my significant assets is in a saving account and this is mine only because I made it before marriage , do you think the Prenuptial agreement is important in this case? Is it offensive to ask her that we sign a prenuptial agreement


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

BeingFair said:


> Hello ,
> 
> I'm dating a woman since 4 years ago , everything is good and no issues but she started talking about marriage and I was hesitant at the beginning but then I said ok and I felt I'm ready to make this step .
> 
> ...



Wait a second. You’re 40 but weren’t “hell yes” to marrying her?

Why not?


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Marduk said:


> Wait a second. You’re 40 but weren’t “hell yes” to marrying her?
> 
> Why not?


Yeah...I was thinking the same. I didn't notice any enthusiasm among his lines. It's like ...he's getting married because he wants to do something different...like he got bored with the old stuff and wants to pursue a new hobby. 


:sleeping:


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> Yeah...I was thinking the same. I didn't notice any enthusiasm among his lines. It's like ...he's getting married because he wants to do something different...like he got bored with the old stuff and wants to pursue a new hobby.
> 
> 
> :sleeping:


I was thinking along the same lines. Getting married and the big question is about houses? There will be plenty of time to think about houses and investments. I would never advocate throwing caution to the wind, but it doesn't feel like there's any wind in this relationship in the first place. I've felt more passion watching Spock on Star Trek.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

BeingFair said:


> Hello ,
> 
> I'm dating a woman since 4 years ago , everything is good and no issues but she started talking about marriage and I was hesitant at the beginning but then I said ok and I felt I'm ready to make this step .
> 
> ...


The best advice I can give you is to talk to her about it. Talk about your concerns and partner together in this. She probably has concerns as well. You work through them with communication and compromise. You both compromise for the good of the marriage which becomes more important then either one of you individuality. That is how you build a good marriage and how you build loyalty and trust. 

Again better to talk to her then even us though we can give you ideas.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Get married. Keep your houses and live in them separately. There is much less confusion, arguing, and worry. You can each have your own lives and a marriage, too. 

lol


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

BeingFair said:


> I think I like the idea of buying a new house as soon as possible like 6 months after marriage in case she want try sell her house .
> 
> Her only assets is what she paid on the house during the last 5 years and yes it should be only her ......my significant assets is in a saving account and this is mine only because I made it before marriage , do you think the Prenuptial agreement is important in this case? Is it offensive to ask her that we sign a prenuptial agreement


One of the issues with sole property is that if, after you marry, you put any assets/income earned during marriage into the pre-marriage/sole-property asset, it's converted to community property.

For example, let's say that you have a savings account with $20,000 before you marry her. After you marry her 
1) if you keep the $20,000 saving account and never put any money that you earn after marriage into the account, it's your sole property. You could open a new account after marriage for any additional money you save, and new account is community property.

But

2) if you put some of your earnings (or other) community assets into the account after you marry, it converts ALL of the money in the account to a community asset. So if you start out with $20,000 when you marry her. Then years later you have added another $15,000 to the account. The entire $35,000 is not converted to community assets and she would get half of the $35,000 in a divorce.

Whether or not you should get a prenup depends on how much money you have talking about here and if the amount each of you has is of similar value. For example if you have $20,000 in savings and she was $20,000 in home equity when you marry, things are pretty much even. 

If the two of you marry and then buy a house, are you two going to put equal amounts down on the house? Or would you be putting the majority of the down payment?


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## shortbus (Jul 25, 2017)

You've been getting some advice here from both sides. Some premarital legal advice, and some for the impending divorce. Some of it correct, some, not so much.

Most advice you've gotten has been from females it seems.

You stated that you're financially stable. You've only stated she has a house, not that she's actually 'financially stable'.

Would this be her first marriage? Your first? Any kids on either side?

No offense, hear comes the 2X4, you seem a bit naive. I'm barely old enough to be your father, at 58, but let me give you a little mature male advice. At your age, and your accumulation of personal wealth, YOU'D BE CRAZY TO GET MARRIED!!!

If you were my son, I'd slap you in the back of the head in an attempt to knock some sense into you! Loving, light slap of course.

Prenups are written on toilet paper. Don't put your entire future in someone else's hands. 

Your own words, you just feel like this is the next step. Why? Preprogramming. 

I wish you good luck on whatever you choose. But I wouldn't get married in your situation knowing what I know now.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

BeingFair said:


> Yes she is still paying on her house , she paid only like 5 years and still 25.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Fair and win win are going to be highly subjective here, despite what some of the others are saying.

Advantages: you can deal with the associated companies with no issues. No problems with transfers upon a death.

Disadvantages: as others have noted, ownership and equity issues.

With the house, you two have to decide whether it's her house or your (plural) house. Will you feel like it's as much yours (singular) as hers? Will both of you feel comfortable with any changes/additions you might want to make?

Also keep in mind the difference between a true marriage and a legal one. The legal one is only for matters of legality, such as home ownership, property inheritance, medical decisions, etc. My legal wife and I were married for years before we ever got it legally recognized, and even then it was only because it became legally advantageous.

If you want to enter into a marriage without the legal hassles, then do so. You forgo many legal advantages and protections, but only the two of you can decide whether that is right for you or not.

Something I just thought of. Don't feel a pressure to get a new house together right away. Make sure you take you time and look for the one right for you two in the long run. Consider whether you want single level or multi floors. Number of bathrooms. How much entertaining will you do. Do you need specialty rooms, such as a library or board game room (we need both)? It's a marriage. You are planning to spend decades together. You've got time.

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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

BeingFair said:


> Is it offensive to ask her that we sign a prenuptial agreement


Ask her. Find out what she finds fair between you. Both of you should be looking at the possibility of divorce, however slim it might be. How important is it to protect what you have now over what you create together. Again this is subjective territory, and only you two can decide what is and isn't fair.

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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Marduk said:


> Wait a second. You’re 40 but weren’t “hell yes” to marrying her?
> 
> Why not?


Why should he be? Not all marriages are about love, at least the Hollywood style. Sometimes people will marry because it is advantageous to both. My favorite example, albeit fiction, is from the law show with Shatner and Spade. Their characters are close friends, but not lovers. But Spade's character wants to marry Shatner's character in order to be able to better care for him as Alzheimer's sets in.

Even with love being a factor for the OP, why does it have to be an enthusiastic type of situation? 

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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

maquiscat said:


> Why should he be? Not all marriages are about love, at least the Hollywood style. Sometimes people will marry because it is advantageous to both. My favorite example, albeit fiction, is from the law show with Shatner and Spade. Their characters are close friends, but not lovers. But Spade's character wants to marry Shatner's character in order to be able to better care for him as Alzheimer's sets in.
> 
> Even with love being a factor for the OP, why does it have to be an enthusiastic type of situation?
> 
> Sent from my Z982 using Tapatalk


Uh, I wouldn't want to marry someone that wasn't enthusiastic about it, and if I weren't enthusiastic about it, especially at a mature 40, I'd be asking myself why.

You can get everything you want from a relationship without tying the knot. It isn't something you easily undo. So why do it if you're not all in?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

BeingFair said:


> Hello ,
> 
> I'm dating a woman since 4 years ago , everything is good and no issues but she started talking about marriage and I was hesitant at the beginning but then I said ok and I felt I'm ready to make this step .
> 
> ...


I see what you are saying/feeling? It is her house and you may feel like a guest? Or renter? How will this house become your home? She has invested a lot of money in the home and may have feelings about selling? A lot of questions.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Marduk said:


> Uh, I wouldn't want to marry someone that wasn't enthusiastic about it, and if I weren't enthusiastic about it, especially at a mature 40, I'd be asking myself why.


And that's you, and it's perfectly legit. But it's not necessarily universal.





> You can get everything you want from a relationship without tying the knot. It isn't something you easily undo. So why do it if you're not all in?


Depends on what you want from the relationship. While there are indeed some things a legal marriage grants that you can use other legal avenues to get, there is much much more than can only be obtained with legal marriage. Furthermore, by obtaining a legal marriage, you can get them all for a lot less than paying for all those other legal documents separately.

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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Good luck @BeingFair. Hope all goes well. Here's a nice little song of love.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I dont believe in pre-nups. If you are not 100% committed then don't marry her. Personally I would suggest selling her home and buying somewhere together right away.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

This post is hard for me to relate to because when I’m in it, I’m 100% in it. I think your thinking too much into this to be honest. What is the worst case scenario? You waste $$ on a property you don’t legally own? If that’s your big concern than you two should shoulder a house together and split it and have both your names on the mortgage.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I too don't feel that you're enthusiastic about this marriage. If that's the case, you shouldn't proceed - there's nothing wrong with that.

I personally wouldn't ask for, and wouldn't sign a pre-nup, but that's me and I do understand why people do it, it's just not something I would do.

I'm an all in or all out kinda gal. In for a penny, in for a pound and all that.

And I would NEVER, not in a pink fit, charge my HUSBAND rent!!! Omg!


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

jlg07 said:


> Whatever you do, TALK with her about this and let her know your views on this. I'm sure you can both get to a decent conclusion for your marriage.
> FWIW, I have a friend who got married very late in life (50+) and both he and his wife had fully paid-off houses.
> They decided to sell both, and they bought a new place to begin their life together -- that way they were both in it equally.


As others have said, it also makes a statement about commitment, selling the two separate houses and going in together with one. Seems so... obvious? Unless going into the venture with cold feet, in which case I'd suggest putting things on ice for a while.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

BeingFair said:


> Hello ,
> 
> I'm dating a woman since 4 years ago , everything is good and no issues but she started talking about marriage and I was hesitant at the beginning but then I said ok and I felt I'm ready to make this step .
> 
> ...


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