# I can't figure out why



## 1dayatatime (Feb 19, 2012)

I am stuck in this funk. I have been here for the past couple months, it comes and goes. Currently I'm in one. I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to go anywhere, I just want to sleep and be alone. 
I initiated the separation and it has been just over a year now. I am going through the motions of divorce. Before I hit that year of sep. I was feeling good. I had dated a bit, too soon I see now and was feeling pretty good about myself. As that year approached I started to become really anxious and saddened. Since it has past I have been feeling stuck. I had thought I had moved on and was doing well but I see now that it was a state of distraction and avoidance. So now I feel as if i'm back to square one. There are a few reasons for the split but mainly I was tired of being the one to try all the time and after finding out about his EA I just couldn't let that go. There is no chance for reconciliation and I just want to get past this. I have to see him as he has visitation with the kids. I feel like this is not normal but who knows what normal is anymore. I feel like this is consuming me. It's what I lie awake in bed at night thinking about. Thinking about how much it sucks to be going through this and how I wish I never married him, how I wish I knew about his affair, how I wish things could have been different. Then I also think about my future and how i'm alone, financially i'm screwed and I can't trust men so how am I supposed to ever have a normal relationship. I don't want to repeat the same patterns so that is stopping me, fear, of making the same mistakes. I have my children to think about as well. My head is spinning right now but I hope this makes sense. I had a drink tonight (I know not a good idea) to relax a bit and to try to feel. Some might say I need counselling and i'm trying that. I have started seeing this social worker counsellor however I don't think she can help me. I think I need to see a different type of worker. I am on depression medication and will see that doctor next week so I may ask him what he thinks. I just wanted to not feel so alone.


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## Phoenixrfa (Mar 31, 2012)

I think your user name says it all. You do have to take it one day at a time. Talking to the right counselor should help. Drinking really doesn't. I am recently separated and heading for divorce myself. Going to lose my house because I can't afford it on my own. Going to lose almost everything that I have because I will have no place for it. I have been having lots of days where I want to curl up and wish the world would go away. I know that there will be lots of bad days ahead still.

My advice ( And I am no expert) : Focus on your kids, do things together, just don't smother. The financial end is harder. I am not sure what to say there, not knowing your situation. Find a way to lift yourself up when you feel depressed. I know, easier said than done. I exercise. Short or long hikes weather and time permitting. Plus I bought a used set of small dumbells. Everytime at night when I feel sad I do a short set of exercises with them. It does seem to help. The more exercising I do, the better I sleep. Sometimes though, my arms really are tired the next day. 

Find something positive each day to think about. Even little things. Keep a list. It will grow. 

It will get better.


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## Paradise (Dec 16, 2011)

The keeping a list idea is a good one. I didn't do that and I don't think I could consistently keep one but for someone that journals everyday I think it could work. I found having a journal to be therapeutic when I was at my limit of the feeling lost but during that stretch it was nothing but anger. Not sure if that is good or not. Guess i got all of that out of my system on paper but I ended up just going in circles. 

I use to be a really goal oriented person and during my divorce and the aftermath of it all I got away from that. Problem was I had the attention span of a lab rat so staying on task was difficult. I re-started by just doing daily goals. At first it made me feel stupid because at the end of the day I still had a ton of items that I didn't even hit. So, I backed it off and made a goal each day. Just one. Then upped it to two. Now I am thinking weekly with thoughts about months down the road. But, you have to start somewhere. 

Anyway, that worked for me and I am just now one year post divorce. Sounds like you are pretty similar to me in time frame and the "dating" game at the beginning. I did the same thing. No big deal.


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## Paradise (Dec 16, 2011)

Oh, and the financial thing....Yep...Went through that, too. Matter of fact I just sold my house so that mess is out of the way. However, I have a stack of bills and debt that are going to take years to get through. I think most people that go through divorce realize how much of a financial mistake marriage was because we did not ever factor in that we may get divorced someday. I'll never, ever tie my finances to someone else ever again. Like buying a house. Even if I get married again years down the road I will always make sure I can make payments on a house based on my income alone. I will not ever put myself in a position where I depend on someone else financially (nor emotionally...I'm in charge of me now).


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

Paradise said:


> I'll never, ever tie my finances to someone else ever again.


amen to that

I'm lucky enough to be able to take on the house myself but I'm still having to pay him to leave

never again!


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