# First Timer...Wife Sexting!



## FBcoach (May 20, 2011)

Okay, I've been looking for somewhere or someone to tell my story too. It's so embarrassing that I can't stand the thought of telling a friend or family member. I appreciate anybody who is taking the time to read my testimony. 

My wife and I have been married for 6 years. We have 3 great kids. We have had our share of arguments mostly due to me wanting to stay out too late with my coaching buddies but nothing too serious. Mothers day was less than two weeks ago and we had a great day. Hence, I thought, the perfect marriage. 

Last week, (the week following M-day) I notice my wife is acting a bit distant. Thinking back, I didnt think much of it because I was preoccupied with preparing a speech I had to give to my athletes and she had been working alot. Friday I was upset with her because we had talked about her saying no if her work asked her to go in on Saturday, because her days off fell on a weekend, and she told them she was going in to work. 

Sorry for the long winded version, and hope your still with me. Saturday, while my wife is at work I go to pay the cell bill online and, enlight of her unusual behavior, I decided to look at her call log. Starting on Tues and going through Fri there was a number that I didnt recognize and it hadnt been on the call log perviously. I reverse looked up the number and it came back with a mans name. 

I Immediately call me wife at work and ask her whos number this was (even though I already knew). She lied to me saying it was a girlfriends number. I call her on her lie and then she says he is just a friend from work. I continue to give her the full court press about the number of calls over those three days and she finally confesses....

She said they did have some inappropriate conversations and here is the kicker...she said he sent her a picture of his penis and she sent him a picture of her A** and V*****. 

She said they never even physically touched. She also said that on Friday she called him and told him that she didnt want to talk to him anymore. She told me that she was intriguded by another man showing her attention and at first she was just teasing him. She said she realized how far it was going, wanted it to end, and she wounldnt have taken any farther. 

Call me nieve, but I believe her. The call log showed only one call on friday for 10 mins. That Saturday morning she had apoligized for being distant and wanted to spend time together. Following the confrontation she quit her job and changed her phone number saying that it would help put my mind at ease. 

Also, I love my wife. I feel that most of this is my fault. I havent been a good communicator. I havent showed her much affection or attention. I have always had this mind set that she is lucky to have me but not the other way around. I also havent taken the time to make sure she is sexually satisfied. 

Therefore, I've made the decision to try to improve...to step up my husband game. We are gonna work it out. Ive been calling her more through the day, Ive been coming home as soon as I can, and have been showing her lots of affection. The sex has also been awesome. 

My questions....
Is my decision to forgive and improve the right one?

How do I cope with the reoccuring thoughts of my wife sending pictures and talking about sex with another man? 

I want to find this guy and kick his A** soo bad! How do I fight that urge?

Any other thougts are appreciated!

I am sorry for the length of this post and appreciate anybody who has taken the time to read and respond to it. It has really helped me getting all this off my chest. It has been tough writing it. Thank you.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

What your wife has done was very wrong. If you believe what she says and there was no PA, and she has taken full responsibility, told you everything etc maybe you should give her a chance and go to counseling. 

It is good that you know that you have some responsibility for the relationship problems and you need to work on those too other wise you will just end up back where you started. Women do need attention from their husbands and good communication.

You should never use it as a justification to stray yourself and she must agree to never ever behave that way again.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It's good she ended contact with him, quit her job and is committed to your marriage. Get into marriage counselling STAT. Be vigilant w/ her & tell her you need total honesty/transarency from her. You two can work this out but ONLY if you are both committed to it and there is no further contact with OM.

You need to work on this. When women cheat, a lot of times this is happening in their relationship: 



FBcoach said:


> I havent been a good communicator. I havent showed her much affection or attention. *I have always had this mind set that she is lucky to have me but not the other way around. *I also havent taken the time to make sure she is sexually satisfied.


Especially the bolded part. Why didn't you ever feel you were lucky to have her? I am curious.

Get counselling, talk about everything with her, plan a romantic weekend soon.


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## Again71 (Mar 31, 2011)

FBcoach said:


> I Immediately call me wife at work and ask her whos number this was (even though I already knew). She lied to me saying it was a girlfriends number. I call her on her lie and then she says he is just a friend from work. I continue to give her the full court press about the number of calls over those three days and she finally confesses....
> 
> She said they did have some inappropriate conversations and here is the kicker...she said he sent her a picture of his penis and she sent him a picture of her A** and V*****.
> 
> ...



Your situation sounds like mine, only a female version except I know the female that was involved in my fiance's EA. The first one was a year ago and I just found out about the second one a month ago. I felt embarrassed and didn't want to talk to any of my family or friends; I don't know why.

He told me the same thing, "They never even seen each other in physically." I don't believe it at all because there is more to the story, but anyways...it sucks. 

As for coping with the reoccurring thoughts, that is hard. Just when I feel like I have gotten over it, something sparks my thoughts, as it will for you. I have been told it takes time. I guess we have to try to trust and move forward. Be more aware of *our* actions on becoming a better person/ spouse and be *very aware* of the actions of our spouses.

Good luck to you.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

I think you are doing the right thing. After all, aside from just giving up and walking out the only other choice is to work on yourself and your marrige. That is what I have done for the last 6 months.

I just hope your story dosn't go as far as mine (or others here) have gone.

1 day out she admitted to only talking smack vie text and email
3 days out I had recovered all of the pictures off her phone so she admitted to them sending and receiving pics.
3-4 weeks out I found a journal entry she made about the making out...so she admitted to the physical affair.
3-4 months out after I could not make sence of it all she admitted to inviting him to our house while I was out of town. The final story was that he never showed. I believe it, but it just leaves you wondering forever where the story actually ends.

I hope you don't get the trickle truth like I did. It hurts bad for a long time. 6 months out and she admitted to a phone call to him after I found out. 6 freaking months..... I know it was a minor insignificant phone call, but to me it was a lie that took 6 months to come out. If she lied about a phone call, what else could she still be holding back?


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## ManDup (Apr 22, 2011)

The biggest issue you have, I would say, is the lies. Because how can you trust anything that she says about it after that? I think counseling is a minimum here. Don't be embarrassed to go, everyone has problems and needs help sometimes. Remember that none of this is in any way your fault. That's like blaming a rape victim. Even if you are not a perfect husband, it is up to her to TELL you that, and to draw firm boundaries for you such that she leaves you before she cheats. She did cheat, even if it was in some small way. So that's what you need to discuss in counseling.

Edit: the working on yourself part, and the working on the marriage part, come only after a full acknowledgement of everything I just said. In other words, it's icing on the forgiveness cake.


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## mmiller1234576 (May 3, 2011)

Coach... 

I would suggest looking up 180 on this site. Maybe not do it completely hard core, but once my W figured out I was fine on my own when I did some 180 stuff for a week or 2 and she realized her bad behavior was not going to limit me and I was going to be a better man with or WITHOUT her, she came back to me harder than I ever did before. She realized and started taking personal responsibility for her action. She stated to work on being a better partner.

I do have to agree with it-guy, since mine was the same a bit of the same. The story started out as X and then the more I asked the more that came out. Push for the truth, ask the same question 3 different ways, ask clarifying questions, never raise your voice or attack, they will just shut down. Most importantly listen. Most important listen. I say that twice because that is one of the mistakes i made. I didn't listen enough as she told these stories to me. If you get new news about the story, wait a couple hours and clear your head before responding to it. I like to use a technique called linear interviewing. You have them state the story step by step from the beginning. If the story starts going off track, stop them, and go back to a point where the story is solid. Keep milling it over and over till you get all the way thru. Do this 3-4 times in different ways and then in your mind compare the stories. Lairs will make mistakes in their lies and that is when the truth is discovered.

She probably like the entertainment value of what was happening and the attention that was givin.

I would hold the hard line to her and not let this slide. I am learning women want to be wanted, cared for and understood. 

Sometimes us guys need a crack to the head like this to get back to the way it should be. Only you can forgive and move on. You know if it is the right thing to do. You need to remember, this is your fault also. 9-10 stories I read out there on sites like this, the other person says, "I was distant, detracted, etc, etc, etc"...If i only spend a little more time with her vs BLANK maybe this could have been avoided."

Take ownership for your part in this, but remember you part is not her free pass to blame any of the A on you. Your part is to be a better partner, nothing more


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I don't know, FB- half of me says that you and the W are off to a good "restart", and that this is a golden opportunity to make your M better...

...but he other half is telling me that there is much, much more to this than she is telling you.


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

F-102 said:


> I don't know, FB- half of me says that you and the W are off to a good "restart", and that this is a golden opportunity to make your M better...
> 
> ...but he other half is telling me that there is much, much more to this than she is telling you.


:iagree:

Only reason is....there always is. 5 months from D-day and I still get little details. It took 2 months or so before I got all the big dates/details out.

Edit to add-I also got proof of it as well to back up claims.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I hope you have all of the information. You may never find out for certain, but I would not be surprised if you learned more in the coming days. 

No offense meant, but I'd seriously consider a keylogging program if she uses a PC. I'm installing one this weekend. Good luck.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

If you wanna make sure you have the full story---demand she take a poly---that usually gets you info---without her actually having to take the test

You may only have the tip, of an iceberg---who knows---only you live with your wife, and only you know whether she is lying or not

They got pretty deep into this, if they were exchanging nude photos---and your wife saying she ended it, prior to you "outing" her, may just be damage control

As to other guy---I can give you a couple of reasons to NEVER GO NEAR HIM---your kids, going to jail, the school board, who would pull your credential, and say you are unfit to teach

Other thing---you need to figure out what is more important in your life---your meaningless, boozehound buddies, or your family

Coaching football takes a lot of time in of itself--and when you are done with practice, watching film, going over the play book, and teaching for the day---it is time to go directly home----NOT GO OUT DRINKING----you need to get your priorities straight----BUT

No matter what your wife's EA, was not your fault----her cheating was/is 100% her fault---its to bad it took this kind of situation to wake the 2 of you up


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

You are not wrong for wanting to work things out with your wife. But you are not to blame for her going outside the marriage to do sex chats with other men, so do NOT own that.

However, it is great that you are acknowledging your part in the marriage being distant and I'm glad you are making your wife a priority. She has to do the same. She also must allow you complete access to her phone and email passwords and be willing to be accountable to you while you rebuild your trust in her. This is a betrayal and will take a while to process and heal from.

Additionally, I think your wife should be in counseling. The sexting can be quite addictive and people get off on the excitement. Unless she learns better coping skills, she is at risk of repeating the behavior.

You may not have been the best husband, but she also has a responsibility to address her concerns with YOU directly. Sexting some other guy is not a way to solve problems.

Your feelings of anger are appropriate. The OM is not the issue, so forget him. He could be anyone and he's entirely replaceable and irrelevant. Focus on your wife and your marriage.

I would also add that many folks on here are saying this is just the tip of the iceburg. Sometimes it is, but sometimes it isn't. Only you can be the judge.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

F-102 said:


> ...but he other half is telling me that there is much, much more to this than she is telling you.


This was my first thought and it's way more than half.


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