# The straw that broke the camels back....



## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

After everything we have been through (and quite frankly I feel like I have dragged him along every step of the way) I finally give up.

We were able to overcome the compulsive porn use, the lack of sex, crap sex, the habitual lying, the secrets, his bat**** mental family.....but it was one sentence last night that made me look at my husband and think 'you are really an unpleasant, arrogant, ungrateful person'. It didn't even hurt, it just hit me like a tonne of bricks that I just don't _like_ him anymore....I don't care anymore. Nothing left...no **** left to give. 

If I told you what he said to me most here would not understand without full context, but it basically told me why I feel so lonely ALL the time even though I have friends, family and a husband. He doesn't want a companion he wants a commodity; someone to talk when he needs counseling, to have sex with when he needs sex, to care for our son, to take care of the jobs he doesn't like doing, keep the house clean and maintained...in exchange for free food and shelter. 

Until it comes to my needs; if it cannot be bought with ££ he really shuts down. My own needs are fairly simple; I want someone to talk to, to laugh with, to occasionally watch TV with, to be intimate with and share my sexuality (not just in and out sex), to hug me when I am down, to advise me when I don't know what to do, to have my back when things go wrong, perhaps the odd compliment wouldn't go amiss. 

I don't care for material things, I'm a hippy. He wants to pay me to shut up and be quiet in the corner. Its like he bought a cute puppy to guard the house only to find out that it needs to be walked every day. 

(We had sex. I wanted to talk to him about my day, I hadn't spoken to a living person all day...he told me to shut the f up and go to sleep......so I did. Someone on TAM recently told me I am too cheap and I was a little offended, but now I think they were right.) 

Moving my stuff into the spare room. Might even redecorate for therapy. :smile2:


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

After sex he told you to stfu and go to sleep.

Wow ....just wow

Why are you staying with this man?

Start the exit plan.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Moving your stuff into the spare room may be to his advantage, not yours. Now he truly has a maid/nanny/cook/sex toy only when he wants it, he can avoid you even more now. I think it's going to be worse for you, you are going to feel more isolated and lonely.

I hope moving to another room is just your short term solution. What's the long term plan?


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

Exit plan:

This time next year I will have completed my masters degree which will hopefully make me employable 

Although we have a one pot system, my own income (not much) will be separated so I can save some money

Currently we are getting the house ready for sale (lots of jobs to do but should be done within a year). After sale should be enough (1/2 the equity) for a small house

Get son used to respite care so I can get my life back a little

Learn to maintain the car


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

The worst thing a man can do to a woman is leave her alone but married. Sorry.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Didn't you just start another thread about your religious MIL who thinks that you are a bad influence on his life? If so, consider the source. This guy comes from a mucked up family and nothing is going to change him. If I were you I would concentrate on getting out ASAP.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Peacem you found your voice, now begins your journey to reawakening....i am glad for you.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

peacem said:


> After everything we have been through (and quite frankly I feel like I have dragged him along every step of the way) I finally give up.
> 
> We were able to overcome the compulsive porn use, the lack of sex, crap sex, the habitual lying, the secrets, his bat**** mental family.....but it was one sentence last night that made me look at my husband and think 'you are really an unpleasant, arrogant, ungrateful person'. It didn't even hurt, it just hit me like a tonne of bricks that I just don't _like_ him anymore....I don't care anymore. Nothing left...no **** left to give.
> 
> ...


IF my husband told me shut the f up and go to sleep I would know that he wasn't the man for me. 
That's apart from his awful past actions, he sounds very selfish.


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

Is that Anne Boleyn in your profile picture? How apropos...Like Anne, you have a husband who sees you as a means to an end and only useful for his purposes and pleasure; someone who will destroy you when you're no longer giving him what he feels entitled to.

Start the 180 now. Get your ducks in a row and then paddle away as quickly as possible before you lose your head.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I wish you well.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I'm sorry your husband is who he is.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'm glad you finally got to your breaking point. You'll be much happier moving on.

Have you started developing a plan to leave yet?


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

peacem said:


> Learn to maintain the car


Good for you.

Wish I could help, but you put the steering wheel on the wrong side of the car.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Well on the STFU....

I would take that literally...
Oh, yes, physically.

Especially, physically. 

Shut tight your pretty hippy lips, your bippy mouth, via a hard 180.
Shut tight your legs with a burst of displaced air and with a loud slapping ka-whumpa.

Shut tight and down all communication. Only what is necessary to get around your quarters. 
Say things like, get the hell out of my way, don't talk to me. Tell him to STFU.

Better yet, make a pinned name badge that only has written these letters...STFU.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> Well on the STFU....
> 
> I would take that literally...
> Oh, yes, physically.
> ...


Ha! Indeed. Well said!
We all know what the 'F' in "STFU" is. So it only makes sense that, that's what you were literally told to shut up-- the 'F'! Tell him you will be quite pleased to comply with that directive. Henceforth, all 'effing' activity ceases immediately and completely.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

peacem said:


> After everything we have been through (and quite frankly I feel like I have dragged him along every step of the way) I finally give up.
> 
> We were able to overcome the compulsive porn use, the lack of sex, crap sex, the habitual lying, the secrets, his bat**** mental family.....but it was one sentence last night that made me look at my husband and think 'you are really an unpleasant, arrogant, ungrateful person'. It didn't even hurt, it just hit me like a tonne of bricks that I just don't _like_ him anymore....I don't care anymore. Nothing left...no **** left to give.
> 
> ...


I don't have much to say except I am sorry. You know there are men out there who love women and want sex to be an extension of their emotional bond with them. Just saying. Why do you stay?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

CharlieParker said:


> The worst thing a man can do to a woman is leave her alone but married. Sorry.


The worst thing anyone can do.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

sokillme said:


> I don't have much to say except I am sorry. You know there are men out there who love women and want sex to be an extension of their emotional bond with them. Just saying. Why do you stay?


Thanks. Not interested in men...ever. There are 2 reasons why I have stayed; one has gone to University and is having a good life....the other has very special needs that is generally a 2 man job. A strong 16 year with special needs and a 5ft 2" carer is scary. My husband for his faults is very good with him. x


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

@peacem, I was reminded of my "F it all" moment when I read your post. It was just an eye opening moment of clarity for me, too. Like I realized just how much time and effort I was WASTING desperately trying to hold on to sand.

I was so much more at peace... When I realized exactly what I had to do.

You'll be OK. Baby steps to your end goals.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Beautifully written - painful to read. 






peacem said:


> After everything we have been through (and quite frankly I feel like I have dragged him along every step of the way) I finally give up.
> 
> We were able to overcome the compulsive porn use, the lack of sex, crap sex, the habitual lying, the secrets, his bat**** mental family.....but it was one sentence last night that made me look at my husband and think 'you are really an unpleasant, arrogant, ungrateful person'. It didn't even hurt, it just hit me like a tonne of bricks that I just don't _like_ him anymore....I don't care anymore. Nothing left...no **** left to give.
> 
> ...


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

peacem said:


> (We had sex. I wanted to talk to him about my day, I hadn't spoken to a living person all day...he told me to shut the f up and go to sleep......so I did. Someone on TAM recently told me I am too cheap and I was a little offended, but now I think they were right.)


I'm sorry he said that to you and all the rest, I'm not sorry you've finally decided it is enough.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Holy cow! After every thing you’ve been through, all the painful hard work into helping him become whole and capable? Unbelievable!

I’m glad you have a plan and I’m certain everything will work out for you. 


How’d he react to you moving into the other bedroom?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

peacem said:


> Exit plan:
> 
> This time next year I will have completed my masters degree which will hopefully make me employable
> 
> ...


What do you want to know about maintaining a car?


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

ABHale said:


> What do you want to know about maintaining a car?


I'm embarrassed to say change a wheel/change the oil/water/lights?? I have always left it to him. I just put petrol in.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> Holy cow! After every thing you’ve been through, all the painful hard work into helping him become whole and capable? Unbelievable!
> 
> I’m glad you have a plan and I’m certain everything will work out for you.
> 
> ...


Funny story..it took him until late that evening to work out my stuff was missing. At the moment we are being very friendly with each other..just what I want. He bought me a bottle of gin as 'sorry'. But at the moment he is fine with it. I think we have come to an end...but not arguing. Peace x


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

A bottle of gin? Is that a cultural or Peacem thing?

It seems awful strange to me... LOL.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

farsidejunky said:


> A bottle of gin? Is that a cultural or Peacem thing?
> 
> It seems awful strange to me... LOL.


Definitely a peacem thing..it is stange. Co-dependent???


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

peacem said:


> Definitely a peacem thing..it is stange. Co-dependent???


Try it with elderflower tonic water.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

peacem said:


> I'm embarrassed to say change a wheel/change the oil/water/lights?? I have always left it to him. I just put petrol in.




AAA & a good local garage 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

peacem said:


> I'm embarrassed to say change a wheel/change the oil/water/lights?? I have always left it to him. I just put petrol in.


Look up Leisure Learning courses in your area. I'm pretty sure you can find one on maintaining a car. They usually only cost about $15-$25 for a few hours of lessons.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

peacem said:


> I'm embarrassed to say change a wheel/change the oil/water/lights?? I have always left it to him. I just put petrol in.


Well if you are embarrassed about that, perhaps I should be embarrassed as well. I'm sure I could change a tire if I absolutely had to, (my dad taught me eons ago) but for the oil and All other car maintenance needs, I take it to my dealership like clockwork. And I'm on a tight budget. I also have AAA. I tip my hat to any woman (and man) who knows how to do these things.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Changing a tire is not hard. I'm no expert but in a jam I know I could. I just don't fancy being at the side of a busy highway doing it. 

I've asked Odo to teach me how to replace my brake pads. I've observed the rear ones. Going to get hands on once my front ones need done.

It's my vehicle. It's also "older," so not as modern, therefore if I can learn something to help maintain it, I will. I feel it's my responsibility as the owner to know as much as is do-able (without advanced mechanical knowledge, which I clearly don't have). Odo helped me to install a rear camera and I have a few gadgets I've installed. Nothing overly fancy.

Sometimes the dealer gives me crap about the aftermarket parts I have existing. Most garages will not install aftermarket either, unless they specialize in its installation. I get gouged by the dealer for OEM anything, so I install my own simple things like wipers and cabin air filters. Always keep spare wipers in my trunk. My car is a rolling spectacle /closet as I am a traveling consultant. 

Some people just want to drive and have someone else maintain their vehicle. I need to have a basic knowledge of upkeep to feel comfortable as an owner and driver.


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