# New here. Looking for ways to thrive instead of just cope.



## BigBoofus (Jul 11, 2013)

Hi all.

My divorce will have been final 3 years next month and I want to just stop coping. I want to live and be happy again. Any suggestions?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Why is it that you feel you are merely coping?


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## BigBoofus (Jul 11, 2013)

Not really happy and have no real goals or passion. Just dealing with day to day life, paying bills, getting my daughters on their lives as adults, just get the feeling that I have no real purpose anymore. I'm not a husband anymore and being a Dad is coming to an end soon. Empty nest crap I guess. Work is just work. No real potential for change there. I'm at the top of my job now and people have to die for me to move up and I'm not sure I'd want their jobs if they did die.

Just feeling bleh...


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## imperfectworld (Jan 18, 2015)

I'm not divorced but this year my marriage has become a caretaker situation. I feel bleh too; so unusual for me but it feels like I've fallen and bounced back and fallen again one too many times. 

Do you have a heavy alimony burden? Could you travel - for a fun change? Any relationships?


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## len51 (May 22, 2015)

You just have to force yourself to get back on that horse by dating. We know a few couples that used online dating services to find their husband/wife. It is a good way for people like you to meet women since at an older age your options for where to meet women are few. Clubs and bars are teaming with young people so online dating makes a lot of sex. Every man I knew who got divorced found a new love/wife and claims to be happier now than before. However, you need to do something about it. Good luck to you sir.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Sounds like you need something new and shiny. Why aren't you dating????


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

While dating again might give you something to do, just dating won't make you a thriving, passionate, interesting person. That's got to come from you. 

I suggest you either find new hobbies or re-start ones you've given up over the years. Try a new place or activity once a week or once a month. Travel. Exercise. Join a sports team or club. Do a few of your bucket list items. Join a local civic or charitable organization. Volunteer for something. Pretty much just actively pursue doing things that get you out of your head and out of your usual routine. Try enough new stuff and you'll eventually find things you are passionate about. A huge bonus will be that being passionate about something and engaged with the world around you, will make you a much more interesting person to any future ladies you might wish to date. 

If you find you just can't muster the motivation for any of that, it might be worthwhile to speak with your doctor about the possibility that you're suffering from mild depression.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

3Xnocharm said:


> Why is it that you feel you are merely coping?


Great question, because it requires you to acknowledge that what you are feeling may not be the reality of it, and perhaps it's a matter of changing perspective or attitude and nothing more tangible is needed than that.

Many days (probably more days than not) I feel like I'm just going through the motions of survival... but it's those small occasional moments when you realize that you are more than just coping, that life is good, which you have to embrace.

Shiny new things are nice sometimes and can help you change your attitude enough to get you past the threshold, but they are not the solution. Nor is dating which can bring about all kinds of other issues to have to think about, which maybe you just don't need at this time...

My counsellor advised to to come up with a small list of accomplishments for each day, each year and the 6 major ones in my life. I think about them from time to time and try to come up with a new one each day. Also, written affirmations that you read to yourself can be incredibly effective... http://www.the-guided-meditation-site.com/how-to-write-affirmations.html


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

BigBoofus said:


> Not really happy and have no real goals or passion. Just dealing with day to day life, paying bills, getting my daughters on their lives as adults, just get the feeling that I have no real purpose anymore. I'm not a husband anymore *and being a Dad is coming to an end soon. *Empty nest crap I guess. Work is just work. No real potential for change there. I'm at the top of my job now and people have to die for me to move up and I'm not sure I'd want their jobs if they did die.
> 
> Just feeling bleh...


Being a Dad never ends, never. My Dad is 72 and still my main man, love him to bits. Yes he ****s me at times but I adore and love him. Please don't think your worth as a Dad has to come to an end just because your kids are a certain age. Be their "go to" man always.

As for the rest well it is hard at times and it is OK to wallow in it for a short time but after that you have to be the one to pick yourself up, get out into the world and live your life.

Volunteering is good for the soul.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Holland said:


> Being a Dad never ends, never. My Dad is 72 and still my main man, love him to bits. Yes he ****s me at times but I adore and love him. Please don't think your worth as a Dad has to come to an end just because your kids are a certain age. Be their "go to" man always.


:iagree:

I don't know what I'd do without my Daddy (this is the South, I'll be calling him "Daddy" until I'm dead). I'm 38 years old and I'd be utterly heartbroken if he ever indicated he thought he was done with the whole "dad" gig.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I'm 48 and my dad still insists on holding my hand when we cross the road. Got to love that


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

Can you take a solo road trip? After my divorce I got in my car and drove halfway across the country, mapping out interesting places I wanted to stop in/stay at. Get your podcast/audiobooks together and go! 

My roadtrip: Got my car over 100mph on an isolated road. Found a geode. Found a snakeskin. Ate the best barbeque of my life. Accidentally drove onto a pot farm in Texas. Sat at a bar until the lights went up. Got a nice warm kiss after those lights went up. Stayed in a haunted hotel. Saw a hitchhiker jump onto a moving train. Drove across a sherbert colored sky while I listened to the audiobook of "Lonesome Dove." Sat on the hood of my car from the US and watched the sun set in Mexico. 

Sometimes, even good 'ole Dad needs an adventure. Put on some Steppenwolf and get on that highway....it's such a great jump start to "new" adventures.


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## Kitt (Jun 3, 2015)

Rowan said:


> While dating again might give you something to do, just dating won't make you a thriving, passionate, interesting person. That's got to come from you.
> 
> I suggest you either find new hobbies or re-start ones you've given up over the years. Try a new place or activity once a week or once a month. Travel. Exercise. Join a sports team or club. Do a few of your bucket list items. Join a local civic or charitable organization. Volunteer for something. Pretty much just actively pursue doing things that get you out of your head and out of your usual routine. Try enough new stuff and you'll eventually find things you are passionate about. A huge bonus will be that being passionate about something and engaged with the world around you, will make you a much more interesting person to any future ladies you might wish to date.
> 
> If you find you just can't muster the motivation for any of that, it might be worthwhile to speak with your doctor about the possibility that you're suffering from mild depression.


Exactly...life has all kinds of wonderful possibilities that extend beyond relationships. A check up might be in order too to make sure you aren't depressed...sometimes depression is situational and just talking about it and getting some meditation, exercise and support can do wonders. Good luck!


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