# Like I'm living someone else's life



## Pinkbabs22 (11 mo ago)

In late 2020, my husband went through the worst depression; he had really struggled with wfh during covid. I did what I thought was the right thing, stood by him and sought him some help. Things limped along, with me doing what I always do, forge through problems, not wanting to give up.
In February last year, I still don't know why, I checked his phone. He'd been sexting with a woman he work with. I confronted him, so hurt and angry he could do it to me after nearly 25 years and me standing by him during multiple depressions.
He went to a bridge to jump off, but was found and brought home. He spent some time in a mental health unit but then came home, wanting to try again.
Again, things jarred along. My shields were now permanently up, which is not natural for me, so I was desperately unhappy. In August, I lost my job through redundancy and the fibal shred of confidence I had evaporated.
I found another job, in a similar position but the company culture is so different. I came home in November last year and it struck me like a meteor; we were done. I had heard us both talk to each other in the most hollow, resigned tones.
As soon as I said, he lit up. He clearly wanted it all along. I've gone along with it, because you can't stay with someone who doesn't love you anymore.
I moved out last month. I'm the lowest I've ever been. I then made the mistake of striking up a somethingship with a guy at work, who is also going through a separation, more recent than I. We both went too fast and when we ended up in bed one day, not full sex, it was a disaster. I had no confidence in the bedroom and because it wasn't a Hollywood moment, which first time, it seldom is, he immediately rejected me.

I feel so depressed, which is all wrong for me. I am usually positive and upbeat. I have even had suicidal thoughts. How the hell did my life get here?


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## redmarshall (11 mo ago)

Well, for one, its done with so now you can look forward to regrouping. I think jumping into something you weren't fully prepared for, was a mistake. You need to take time for yourself. You will feel lonely that's part of the process. But you have to keep moving forward, indulge in hobbies, explore, spend time with family. Rebuild yourself, you need time to heal. Give yourself this time and don't be this hard on yourself. As for the rejection you faced, you were probably in two minds, which showed, and I think that kills the mood a bit. maybe he's in a similar situation too. So take it easy, and give yourself some time.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

It sounds like the guy at work just wanted to get in your pants. Forget about him. There are lots of respectable men out there.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

How are things going @Pinkbabs22 ?

Are you taking things day-by-day and getting a little better?

Infidelity often is not reconcilable, it's just so devastating to relationships and trust.
Don't beat yourself up about that it's completely normal.

And stay out of other relationships right now, give yourself some time to heal.

It's super-tempting to run into the arms of someone who seems to appreciate you, but it's also a super-bad idea.
Anyone who does that with you doesn't really respect and understand your pain and just wants in your pants.


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## Scrooge (Dec 28, 2021)

Hope you’re doing OK, and feeling a bit better than when you wrote this!

Going through similar situation, probably not as bad as yours, but definitely got nothing but a kick in the teeth for putting my wife first throughout our marriage, even her parents, who I did everything I could to help and treated like they were my own, have shown their true colours in the last few weeks to say the least.

Life carries on though, disappointing set back, but that’s all it is. You were only reacting to what your ex put you through, don’t think you should be beating yourself up about anything.

A wise man once sang ‘Bitterness keeps you from flying’ (Tim McGraw’s Humble and Kind)! Past needs to be behind you, that’s where it belongs.


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## Pinkbabs22 (11 mo ago)

Scrooge said:


> Hope you’re doing OK, and feeling a bit better than when you wrote this!
> 
> Going through similar situation, probably not as bad as yours, but definitely got nothing but a kick in the teeth for putting my wife first throughout our marriage, even her parents, who I did everything I could to help and treated like they were my own, have shown their true colours in the last few weeks to say the least.
> 
> ...


Hi, well I'm still putting one foot in front of the other, but won't lie, it's a struggle. I feel bereft. I keep hoping someone will tell me it's all been a huge misunderstanding, but I know it's not. I think the hardest thing is that whilst he is happy as a pig in muck, I'm still 20 paces behind, trying to work out which way is up.
Thank you for your words though.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Pinkbabs22 said:


> Hi, well I'm still putting one foot in front of the other, but won't lie, it's a struggle. I feel bereft. I keep hoping someone will tell me it's all been a huge misunderstanding, but I know it's not. I think the hardest thing is that whilst he is happy as a pig in muck, I'm still 20 paces behind, trying to work out which way is up.
> Thank you for your words though.


So glad to see you posting here.
You should keep coming here because just getting feelings written down can help a bunch. Plus TAM folks are experts in this kind of thing (unfortunately) and can point out things you might not think of. 

It has been said that the best revenge is to live your life well.
I know it's hard, but cut him out of your head and live your life.

I didn't see where you had kids is that right?
Do you have to interact with the loser STBXH at all?


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## Scrooge (Dec 28, 2021)

Glad to know you’re doing OK, it will always be a struggle, but it will hopefully get easier.

It was a misunderstanding, being married someone who wasn’t willing to invest in the marriage as much as you do I mean, and now you cleared that misunderstanding up, it’s time to do things differently this time.

One day at a time is all I can say, some days are rougher than others, but you survived a long, and clearly not a very good marriage, so I’m sure you you’ll get through this as well.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Pinkbabs22 said:


> In late 2020, my husband went through the worst depression; he had really struggled with wfh during covid. I did what I thought was the right thing, stood by him and sought him some help. Things limped along, with me doing what I always do, forge through problems, not wanting to give up.
> In February last year, I still don't know why, I checked his phone. He'd been sexting with a woman he work with. I confronted him, so hurt and angry he could do it to me after nearly 25 years and me standing by him during multiple depressions.
> He went to a bridge to jump off, but was found and brought home. He spent some time in a mental health unit but then came home, wanting to try again.
> Again, things jarred along. My shields were now permanently up, which is not natural for me, so I was desperately unhappy. In August, I lost my job through redundancy and the fibal shred of confidence I had evaporated.
> ...


You're going to have to slow yourself down about dating. It is never good to date when you are feeling real vulnerable and kind of depressed and not that great about yourself or your life. You need to forget about dating and just put your life back together and get it running smoothly on a new routine that will hopefully be stress-free compared to your last one and then just see how that starts making you feel. 

You might even use this time to get a second little job on your days off or nights or something if you're young and energetic enough to do so and just sock some money away. 

You can't rate yourself by how men who are just sleeping with you treat you!!!!!


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## Scrooge (Dec 28, 2021)

Pinkbabs22 said:


> Hi, well I'm still putting one foot in front of the other, but won't lie, it's a struggle. I feel bereft. I keep hoping someone will tell me it's all been a huge misunderstanding, but I know it's not. I think the hardest thing is that whilst he is happy as a pig in muck, I'm still 20 paces behind, trying to work out which way is up.
> Thank you for your words though.


Hope you’re doing a bit better now than last time you were here 😁

Like many suggested, I think you should keep venting in here if you need to, it does help a bit


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## CF03 (10 mo ago)

Pinkbabs22 said:


> Hi, well I'm still putting one foot in front of the other, but won't lie, it's a struggle. I feel bereft. I keep hoping someone will tell me it's all been a huge misunderstanding, but I know it's not. I think the hardest thing is that whilst he is happy as a pig in muck, I'm still 20 paces behind, trying to work out which way is up.
> Thank you for your words though.


OP, I also feel like I am living someone else’s life and bereft, grief-stricken, heart-broken…..none of them seems powerful enough. On Friday night, at a restaurant my husband told me he was deeply unhappy and was going to leave. It hit me like a thunderbolt and as I sobbed uncontrollably he was resolved. There was nothing I could do or say. He had been thinking about this for some time. It’s day 2 of living this other life….one I didn’t want….and it’s awful. I just wanted to tell you I understand.


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## Pinkbabs22 (11 mo ago)

CF03 said:


> OP, I also feel like I am living someone else’s life and bereft, grief-stricken, heart-broken…..none of them seems powerful enough. On Friday night, at a restaurant my husband told me he was deeply unhappy and was going to leave. It hit me like a thunderbolt and as I sobbed uncontrollably he was resolved. There was nothing I could do or say. He had been thinking about this for some time. It’s day 2 of living this other life….one I didn’t want….and it’s awful. I just wanted to tell you I understand.


I really feel for you. There's no pain like it. The rug being pulled and suddenly you don't know which way is up. I'm far from there, but each day brings new hope. Take care.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

@Pinkbabs22 
I was visiting my TAM memory lane this morning and I remembered this quote by another poster here on TAM. It helped me at the time and it seems like a good one to repeat:

”
_Please remember, this is HIS problem, it's got nothing to do with you. You did nothing wrong, there is NOTHING wrong with you. He's broken. 

My grandmother used to say, "You do the best you can for as long as you can, and then you save yourself." It's time for you to save yourself.
”_


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