# Need some advice....



## Mick85 (Oct 13, 2011)

Background info....

My Husband is in the Army and we are stationed in Germany. We've been together since we were 18 (married at 19) and we are 26. About a Month and a half ago I came home from a trip to the States and as soon as I walked in the door my husband told me he wanted to separate and he wanted a divorce. Well to say I was shocked was an understatement; as we had not had any problems. He moved out the next day.

Well to make a long story short. When I left to go to the States he hit up the clubs when his friends, and got a glimpse of the single life he never had. (He's admitted this to me) He did cheat on me, and I caught him in it. He emptied our savings on drinking and partying, when I was gone. Several thousand dollars. I was pregnant and miscarried, and when I told him, he couldn't face me at the time. And waited almost 24 hours before he came over to face me. He has admitted that he is ashamed of himself because of what he has done to me, and says he could never forgive himself. He does show genuine remorse.

He's been deployed three times in the last six years. Two one year'ers and a 15 month one. And he is dealing with a lot of stuff that happened. Near death experiences and watching his friends die. And he has went to his unit and asked for help.

Well we are separating.....he's hell bent on that. I would love to stay and help him get through this. But I think me leaving is the best thing right now. We can't divorce by our state laws until the end of 2012. 

And here is what I need the advice on.....

He says he wants to divorce. But then he will make statements to the effect of he doesn't know what he wants. Or what he will want in the coming months. He'll be here in Germany until the end of next year and I'll be in Texas. Something tells me not to give up on him, and to have hope. It's just not cut and dry. And he even told me last night that he'll probably in the future have a moment where he thinks "What the hell did I do?" 

I know he is sick, and I'm pretty sure that it's deeper than I think it is. In all honesty this is NOT him at all. And it all basically happened overnight. And for the first few weeks after I got back he did go to a few MC sessions with me.

I know in my head that I just need to get my life together and settle into my new place and move forward. But I know I will worry about him and wonder. Even after everything he has done; I love him. And I know I always will. 

I'm at a loss.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Mick85 said:


> I'm at a loss.


Have you checked into the probability that he`s having an affair?

Your story is a perfect blow by blow description of a husband in an affair.


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## Mick85 (Oct 13, 2011)

tacoma said:


> Have you checked into the probability that he`s having an affair?
> 
> Your story is a perfect blow by blow description of a husband in an affair.


Oh I know he had one. But she's 20, barely out of high school and quite frankly; has the IQ of a rock.

I hacked his FB and found over 1,000 messages between the two of them.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Mick85 said:


> Oh I know he had one. But she's 20, barely out of high school and quite frankly; has the IQ of a rock.
> 
> I hacked his FB and found over 1,000 messages between the two of them.


Is he still in the affair?

If not how do you know?

When did this happen?


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## Mick85 (Oct 13, 2011)

tacoma said:


> Is he still in the affair?
> 
> If not how do you know?
> 
> When did this happen?


No, he's not. I made damn sure of that; she's scared ****less of me. 

I caught him a few weeks ago and they had been seeing each other for three weeks or so.


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## NormalPlease (Nov 14, 2011)

So so long, but I believe you and I are on the same page. My H and I are separated now. Our former MC and I believe he is going through mental issues and making bad decisions b/c of his mental state. After making bad choices, he's been genuinely living in shame over things he's done and cannot understand why he has done them. He cannot decide what he wants and goes through periods where he wants divorce, but then tells me he knows that would be the biggest mistake and that he'll just go through life never finding love. Then he'll say I deserve someone else b/c he'll never find the right help. He won't dedicate himself to counseling b/c of cost and his belief that it never helps. One thing I never did was go after the other female (doesn't mean they are not dirt for pursuing married men though). This is how I see it...if a man were going after me while I was married I'd feel it's wrong...then I take action to turn down his advances or avoid them at the least. Your husband is simply not turning her down or avoiding her. That is out of your hands and you cannot drive yourself crazy monitoring him b/c you're convinced you'll keep him on track everytime he attempts to stray. I'm only just able to convince myself of this...so my confidence is still shakey. I am realizing after this week that, even though we love each other, I cannot control my H's actions now, don't forsee controlling them in the future and will remain in this "investigative state" long as we we're in this relationship. The investigative state is mentally tiring and makes me feel bad about myself everytime I have to prove I know whats going on by telling him I pried into the personal life he isn't sharing with me. Much as we want to help someone we love whom cannot help themselves....we risk this going on for years (4 yrs good---3 years unhealthy) and finding ourselves worn out with the same results. I've decided I do not want to grow old like this....but it still hurts. Stay strong and get yourself in a better place so you can make the right decisions. I finally scheduled a counselor for myself (which is not something I ever thought I'd care to do)...b/c I know me...and I know my tendency to change my mind b/c I feel for him.


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## Mick85 (Oct 13, 2011)

I'm already in counseling, and I found that it does help. 

Mine has said the same thing. "You deserve better than me." "I can never forgive myself for what I've done." Blah Blah.....I find them to be excuses. Excuses made out of guilt.

I've got her DOB her full name, phone number and email. I reported her to the Army and she's not allowed on this Post. Cheating in the Military is punishable up to a Field Grade Article 15. So in all honestly I'm not worried about her. Because I know how that little fling is gonna end. 

But I've got a pretty tight support system when I get back to the States; I'm getting a place with a friend who was married to a soldier and her husband did the same thing; only 10 times worse. So I'll have someone who knows exactly what I'm going through. But at the end of the day, I'll know I'll be okay. 

I know he's a grown man and makes his own decisions. And I know this is something he's gonna have to work within his own self. But it still blows.


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