# Older wife



## definitionPetrol (5 mo ago)

Hi,

first of all, english is not my mother tongue, but hopefully you will understand everything.

My wife is 11 years older then me and is now in 50's. We got married 12 years ago, at that time, we look similar in ages, people usually thought she is maybe 2-3 years older since I looked a bit older for my age and she looked younger and had that young vibe as well. We get along great, but obviously there are some problems when I'm writing in here. 

Few years after we got married, our sex become rare, she had went into menopause and will for sex went down and any form of sex was rarer and rarer in years to come, that was first problem, but I was willing to wait and to try and somehow fix/work on that problem. 8-10 years later, problem got worse, sex is very rare...
We have no kids, but we talk about it before marriage and agreed that if we don't have kids, we can live with it, and I'd say both of us still think the same, that is not the problem.

Over years, duo to the problems in life, my wife gain weight (also, she got some hormon therapy that didn't help). So now, that most problems sorted out for here, she went on diet, and lost weight, but problem is that now, she looks much older, she got wrinkles (I guess duo to weight change) and she still would like to lose some weight, so it can get even worse...

Problem is that people that don't know us, started to think that she is my mom, 2 times so far, people said to me, "your mom can do it or something like that", I didn't told my wife that, to not hurt her feelings, but I'm not sure what to do next.

Thing is, we get a along well, and she is good person, but I started to feel like I'm not comfortable when we go out, someone might say something that might hurt her feeling by saying something like that. 

I thought about separation and divorce to be fair, but it doesn't feel right, not to here, but on other hand, I'm not happy as it is now as well. Also, I never talked about this problem with here since I feel like I'll hurt here to much and not sure how we can fix this by talking. 

Any kind of help, suggestion is more then welcome.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

To me, you overstayed your welcome, not because of the age difference but because, there were sex drive and other compatibly issues, but you stayed. Reading between the lines, it seems that is not that you are too concerned about someone saying something that would offend her as much as that you are actually feeling embarrassed to be seen with her. If that's the case the best you can do is to divorce. Why be with her for pity?


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

Didn't you say for richer or poorer , in sickness and health when u took your wedding vows ? We all change as we age. The sex thing I get. Talk to your wife...Explain your viewpoint to her, she may come around.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Do you love her? No where in your post do you talk about that. It's the most important thing. If you love each other you should be able to work together to heal what's wrong. 

As a post menopausal woman I can tell you losing weight is a bear. I did not change a lot of what I had been doing before 40 & after 40 but the pounds came on & are hard to shed. Even when I upped my physical exercise the weight was stubborn. Please don't be so shallow as to dump her over that especially if she's trying. 

Wrinkles happen. the fact that awful people make shallow comments should have you sticking up for her, not making her feel worse. the idea that these other people can persuade you to divorce your wife says more about your shortcomings then hers. 

The no sex thing is legitimate. Have you had talks with her about what would make her feel more in the mood? Try that before you throw in the towel. Do not mention her weight or the wrinkles. Be romantic & talk to her about how you'd like to be close the way you once were.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

For better or worse, until death to us part....has become.....until he/she gets old and fat or I'm not happy. 

Your wife deserves better.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Rob_1 said:


> Reading between the lines, it seems that is not that you are too concerned about someone saying something that would offend her as much as that you are actually feeling embarrassed to be seen with her. If that's the case the best you can do is to divorce.


Yes, please, give her the gift of divorce. She deserves to be with someone who truly loves her and wants her.


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## definitionPetrol (5 mo ago)

I feel like I might phrase thing wrongly, I just needed someone to talk to, and I don't have courage to do it IRL, my head is mess at the moment.

I do love here, we do get along and after reading your comments, my head is much clearer, I'll support here as much as I can. As far as sex goes, I did talk to her a lot about it, told here how I feel, not much has changed, but I'll try to talk with her about it again. 

Talking to you guys on forum, even if you are complete strangers to me, helped me, so thanks for that.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

definitionPetrol said:


> Problem is that people that don't know us, started to think that she is my mom, 2 times so far, people said to me, "your mom can do it or something like that", I didn't told my wife that, to not hurt her feelings, but I'm not sure what to do next.


People always used to think I'm my wife's dad and my daughter is my girlfriend...very weird. My wife would laugh and rib me about it for days, and daughter would be pissed. Doesn't happen so much anymore, but when it did, it wasn't a great feeling for me. I can imagine how a woman would feel if someone said that, and you're concern is valid.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I feel for the women who lose their sex drive due to menopause. It does not have to be this way. I realize not everyone can take hormone therapy but it is a viable solution for many. Before disolving your marriage I would consider asking your wife to see a hormone specialist. She will feel so much better!!!!!!!


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

"your wife is much older than you"

I believe they have said these words to you since the day you became friends with your wife and got married, now their words mean something to you?

You married someone 11 years older than you. Did you expect a healthy sexuality?

You weren't too young to think that menopause or other health problems would start!

your wife did not go out of the marriage, she tried to get rid of the weight when she told her that she was uncomfortable with her weight,

Now you think you deserve better than her,

i want to ask you

Have you recently had a woman who wants to get close to you or that you are considering getting close to?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

definitionPetrol said:


> Talking to you guys on forum, even if you are complete strangers to me, helped me, so thanks for that.


This is why this forum, TAM, exists. We are here to give you support and input.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Jimi007 said:


> Didn't you say for richer or poorer , in sickness and health when u took your wedding vows ?


Your point?

Everybody exchanges those useless vows and everybody breaks them when they divorce which is around half the time. 

Lots of people say them again with someone new.

Rinse and repeat. 

My point is that vows are meaningless and bringing them up as a way to bolster your side of an argument is meaningless.


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

Trident said:


> Your point?
> 
> Everybody exchanges those useless vows and everybody breaks them when they divorce which is around half the time.
> 
> ...


 I'm sorry you feel that way...I took my vows seriously and still do. Useless ? Maybe to you , they meant something to me when I said them


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Jimi007 said:


> I'm sorry you feel that way...I took my vows seriously and still do. Useless ? Maybe to you , they meant something to me when I said them


They meant something to everyone when they said them. Have you noticed the divorce statistics lately? Over 50%. And how about the rest of those "intact" marriages, many of which are filled with cheating and abuse and lack of caring for the partner, they're only together for convenience, or "for the children" or out of fear of starting over. They may not be divorced but their vows weren't kept either.

So who's left? I'd say less than 10% of the vow givers kept those promises. Go count the happy married couples you know and do your own math. This isn't about how you feel it's about the numbers. Its about telling another person "well you promised!" as if that's some sort of a fix for the situation they happen to be in at the moment.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Well, this is what happens when you marry someone over a decade older than you. The age difference really can catch up with you. I imagine it's even more pronounced when one is 60 and the other 70, and one is 70 and the other 80. Those decades bring big changes.

If you aren't going to be happy in this marriage, let her go sooner than later.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Trident said:


> Your point?
> 
> Everybody exchanges those useless vows and everybody breaks them when they divorce which is around half the time.
> 
> ...


Are you married? Asking for a friend.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Are you married? Asking for a friend.


Not anymore.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I have never believed that "vows" should keep 2 people in a very unhappy situation for decades.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Livvie said:


> I have never believed that "vows" should keep 2 people in a very unhappy situation for decades.


Unhappy married couples who stay together don't do it because of the meaningless vows they exchanged when they were young and foolish and "in love" and figured the person they knew for a few short months or years would be the person they wanted to spend their entire life 50+ years with based on knowing them a relatively short time and only seeing the good stuff and ignoring the bad despite there sometimes being huge red flags.

They stay together because "of the kids", because they can't afford to divorce, because it's too complicated, but the main reason unhappy couples stay together?

It's a 4 letter word.

*"FEAR".*


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Trident said:


> Unhappy married couples who stay together don't do it because of the meaningless vows they exchanged when they were young and foolish and "in love" and figured the person they knew for a few short months or years would be the person they wanted to spend their entire life 50+ years with based on knowing them a relatively short time and only seeing the good stuff and ignoring the bad despite there sometimes being huge red flags.
> 
> They stay together because "of the kids", because they can't afford to divorce, because it's too complicated, but the main reason unhappy couples stay together?
> 
> ...


Fear, comfort, and $$$'!


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## itskaren (Dec 28, 2011)

definitionPetrol said:


> Hi,
> 
> first of all, english is not my mother tongue, but hopefully you will understand everything.
> 
> ...


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## itskaren (Dec 28, 2011)

My mother is 72 and is in a relationship with a 30 year old. They look absolutely ridiculous together!


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