# Our prediction rate



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Something was just brought up in another thread that got me thinking... (I know, "thinking"... such a crazy idea, but I digress).

Here is the convo:



TRy said:


> For him to listen he would need to acknowledge that the world as he has know it is over. That is hard to do, so he wants to believe his wife and let her rug sweep. He sounds like a decent guy. He has done nothing wrong so it would be unfair for it to be true.
> 
> burnt, I wish and hope that we are not right. I really do. Be well and good luck to you.





Jonesey said:


> Look so do I. *I truly hope that for his sake that we all
> are wrong. But sadly we are most are not.*


How often do you guys think we get it wrong about cheating/infidelity specifically? 

I'd say generally we are unfortunately, spot on. It's nothing any of us like to be right about either.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Truth isn't reality it's the perception of reality.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

Not to be flippant on a horrible topic, but I think we as a whole are almost pitching a perfect game. 

It's just that so often the script is truly the same. 

"I have a rare situation"
"She/he loves me but isn't in love with me"
"He/she has been distant"
"They hide their phone"

etc. etc.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Way more often than not if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck - it's a duck!! Not always but it's always a safe bet. We're just better at knowing what ducks look, walk and sound like than most first time posters here.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Sadly, Im still waiting to be wrong. 

I know if I stick around another couple years and read a couple hundred thousand more stories, I will find a good spot to be dead wrong about someone cheating. 

Im a hopeless romantic and I'm in the fog about the whole thing, Im sure I will find the one I can be wrong about. 

Just waiting for my Mr/Mrs. Wrong About... She's/He's gonna renew my faith in humanity.

sigh.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

Yeah, if I was posting here when it was happening to me for the first time, I would have said something like....

"My wife is rather distant lately and I can't seem to locate her at times during the day. She says I'm being controlling. How can I apoligize to her for being a meanie?"


I don't mean to make light of it, but it really is something when you are in the beginning or middle of it. Once time goes by, the picture really clears up. 

I thought I was the only one who went through this stuff until I started reading other stories on here. I'm sorry other people went through it of course, but I am glad to at least have a chance to share with people who know what it's like, if that makes sense.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Soccer--you're right--usually the headlines/little things in the story pave the way for "hell yes, they are cheating."

Pit, your comment - "Sadly, I am still waiting to be wrong" made me :rofl:

LonelyNLost's thread will always be etched in my brain (Waves to LNL if she's reading this).

The first page was something like "My H is being weird" and we said "He's cheating on you" and she said no he wasn't or she didn't think so and BAM, like 3-4 pages in she writes something like "I just found out he's cheating."


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You were wrong with me 

I do admit things looked suspicious, but, even my therapist (whom I'm very candid with) didn't think anything was happening.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I'm 100% sure I cheated (EA).


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

It's like when my son totaled my car. Do you know what I didn't do that day. I absolutely did not total my car. That's what I did.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

that_girl said:


> You were wrong with me


TG, we told you it SOUNDED like all the red flags for an A. And asked you "are you sure?" and maybe told you to "rule it out."


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I was right about it everytime and often it turned out to be deeper than I orginally suspected.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

that_girl said:


> You were wrong with me
> 
> I do admit things looked suspicious, but, even my therapist (whom I'm very candid with) didn't think anything was happening.


I was wrong about you cheating or your H !?!? This is awesome news!!! But alas.... Im sceptical.  Bummer. 

I'm not sure I was wrong.  Please post link? 

lol.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Unfortunately when you see it day to day there are things that stand out and generally we get it right. Part of that is because most noobs are at critical mass when they get here and the marriage is listing badly.

I do recall a guy a couple of years ago who felt his marriage was in trouble as he found a pair of unfamiliar sexy panties with semen stains in them in the laundry. He was convinced that his wife had had an affair or ONS on her last business trip. (No not Shamwow) He got the:

Kick her to the curb.

Demand devoice.

Do a hard 180

Confront her immediately

VAR, keyloggers.....

He did confront her accusing her of cheating, describing the "secret" panties. Turned out they actually belonged to their son's girlfriend. They had gotten mixed in with his laundry when he came back for a visit from college.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Amplexor said:


> Turned out they actually belonged to their son's girlfriend. They had gotten mixed in with his laundry when he came back for a visit from college.


:rofl:

Great story.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Amplexor said:


> Unfortunately when you see it day to day there are things that stand out and generally we get it right. Part of that is because most noobs are at critical mass when they get here and the marriage is listing badly.
> 
> I do recall a guy a couple of years ago who felt his marriage was in trouble as he found a pair of unfamiliar sexy panties with semen stains in them in the laundry. He was convinced that his wife had had an affair or ONS on her last business trip. (No not Shamwow) He got the:
> 
> ...


Oh boy! Somebody probably had some major ass-kissing to do after that one!


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> Oh boy! Somebody probably had some major ass-kissing to do after that one!


:lol: "Hey Honey...sorry about that thing"


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I'm a noob here, but on other boards I am pretty well able to spot it. It's kinda creepy actually. One of the boards I am on isn't marriage or infidelity focused at all (more like a 'mommy' board), and I can tell whose husbands are cheating just from some of the women's posts.

It's weird, but I truly had NO inkling what my hubby was up to before I caught him. The only clue I had was that he wouldn't give me his computer password. He would log me in every time I needed to use it though (I didn't have a computer at the time). I had no idea he had a secret cell phone, secret emails, or had gone out to meet any of these 'women'. Scary.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Generally the people that come here are self-selecting and are in the middle of major drama. There's almost always someone else involved in the mix.


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## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

I think for many who come here, they are expecting to hear us say that they are over reacting, jealous, controlling.... all the things the DS may have been pointing to already. Looking for verification of the accusations that their life partner, soul mate, spouse and supposed best friend is already saying, sometimes. they get thrown for a loop when they are told to be suspicious, look deeper and accept that the person they married is longer there as they know them.

Look at that statement. That is a huge pill to swallow for someone reeling from the smack in the face of infidelity. While the advice we give is many many times sound, I do think we have often gotten to the point of putting it in the most brutal, simplest terms. Again, that can be hard to swallow. 

Q`


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

MrQuatto said:


> I think for many who come here, they are expecting to hear us say that they are over reacting, jealous, controlling.... all the things the DS may have been pointing to already. Looking for verification of the accusations that their life partner, soul mate, spouse and supposed best friend is already saying, sometimes. they get thrown for a loop when they are told to be suspicious, look deeper and accept that the person they married is longer there as they know them.
> 
> Look at that statement. That is a huge pill to swallow for someone reeling from the smack in the face of infidelity. While the advice we give is many many times sound, I do think we have often gotten to the point of putting it in the most brutal, simplest terms. Again, that can be hard to swallow.
> 
> Q`


I agree, and I also think it's the same for those who come on here confessing to an affair. They're wanting to hear that it was "okay" because their spouse wouldn't this or wouldn't that and when they are called out on their own actions instead of being sided with, they are really thrown off balance. Even if they never come back here again, what has been said to them, will stick with them. And hopefully, they make things right and end the affair.

(Hey, looky there, this was my 1,000th post )


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

i am beginning to feel a little like the grim reaper...

Yes. Affair. 
Go look. 
He/she is lying to you. 


When I first saw these words only in March I thought you were all 
MAD and BAD. 


First of all you get the


> Multi Quote


 with comments sometimes per sentence!

A little *bold* to emphasis the seriousness . 


_*italic bold*_ does not go astray either especially within 


> quoted text where the poster _[actaully gives the answe[/B]_r to thier own question.



Then there is the 
CAPITAL LETTERS IF PEOPLE REALLY AREN'T LISTENING

and then *BOLD CAPITAL LETTERS.* for the ones who refuse to believe themselves.


*Yes.* _It is all depressingly obvious_ *to an outsider.* _In the short time I have been here it has been pretty much spot on._


Hey apple. Congrats on a 1000. I am not sure congrats is the right word on TAM!


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

From what I have read and have been a part of on this forum...we are about 90%-95% right.

We may get some of the minor details wrong...but not the issues that matter like:

1. Yes, they're cheating
2. No, you can't trust them.
3. The affair isn't over until....
4. No, they can't be friends
5. Ect...

One advantage we have is we lived it already...some of us have been through hell and back again. When a person goes through such a life altering experience it changes your perception of the world around you. 

We as a whole no longer are oblivious to the subtleties that surround an affair. What seems to be a minor infraction to the new person...is a MAJOR red flag to us because we know what it really means.

Furthermore, we have all made critical mistakes while dealing with the affairs that rocked our own lives. It is these mistakes that we hope beyond hope that our fellow brothers and sisters out there avoid.

That is why I am here in the first place...which I am sure most of you are here because of the same reason. We want to shield the new people from having to walk through the fire we all did.

I just wish more people would heed our advice.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Yup, they don't call it _the script_ for nothing. The majority of the new people coming to the site are in the initial phase, right after DDay. So they're in that shock & denial stage, and being in that initial stage, they're in survival mode, wanting advice on how to save their marriage at all costs. They're wanting advice about how to get past this quickly and get things back to normal (rug sweeping), and if there's some kind of magic wand that can magically make the pain go away. 

Then they get advice that they don't want to hear: Start verifying, demanding NC, establishing boundaries, exposing the affair, do the 180, or divorce. All these things are so very difficult to do at first. So they post a few posts and disappear, or they react defensively, then disappear. In the mean time, they will try to sweep the affair under the rug, which only makes things worse and prevents them from making any progress toward healing. Some will go to MC, in the desparate hope that MC will be like a silver bullet that gets the WS to end the affair and come back to the marriage. Then a few come back a few months later to report that things have remained the same or have gotten worse. 

The denial stage is bad, very bad, and many BSs can't seem to get out of it until they've suffered a long time in limbo.


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## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

When people post questions in CWI, they usually already have a gut feeling or pieces of proof to start with. It's not that hard to predict, considering the forum they've chosen and the experience of most of the members here. 

Each person is an individual and even though millions of other people may have experienced the same painful situation, it is new and horrible to that individual. I'm all for tough love, to an extent, but a little compassion is greatly appreciated during tough times.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## burnt (Oct 12, 2011)

The problem with the advice given on this forum, is the member's giving the advice, 'want' to be right, for the wrong reasons.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

No burnt, we dont "want" to be right, but when the facts are given we cant help but see what others might not. I am here because 90 some days ago, what I had known to be my life for 30 years, my entire adulthood, was ripped apart by my x's infidelity. I did not want it to be true, I only wanted to fix what was wrong and get her back. I loved her with all my heart, wanted us to be together for another 30. But as I read the posts here I saw many many times a posting from someone else and it was as if I had wrote it myself, so I took the advice given and it saved my sanity. There really is a script, and it is wierd how those going thru cant see the truth when it is painfully obvious to those of us who have traveled that road before. No we dont want to be right, but sadly the folks on TAM generally are. Now if those newbees would only listen.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

> Furthermore, we have all made critical mistakes while dealing with the affairs that rocked our own lives. It is these mistakes that we hope beyond hope that our fellow brothers and sisters out there avoid.


:iagree::iagree:


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

burnt said:


> The problem with the advice given on this forum, is the member's giving the advice, 'want' to be right, for the wrong reasons.



let me make something absolutely crystal clear to you-


I never WANT to be right about telling someone that it's likely their spouse is cheating.

I don't WANT to tell them about the pain and hell they will go through

I don't WANT to tell people that they now have to resort to spying on someone who has their complete and utter trust.

I don't WANT to tell them that filing for divorce may be their best hope in saving a marriage.


but you know what I do want?

I WANT what's best for betrayed spouses, even if that means they now have to dig deep and find the strength to take some drastic measures that seem totally counter-intuitive to their goal.

I WANT betrayed spouses to wake up and start fighting for their own best interests as someone is stomping on their hearts and they aren't doing anything about it.

I WANT betrayed spouses to learn from my own mistakes as I see that my own mistakes in handling an affair are being repeated over and over again.


Dammit man, I've been there and I know exactly how you feel. I know exactly what that paralysis and uncertainly and fear and wanting so bad to trust feels like.

and so have most of us here


as I stated in my newbie link in my signature (if you haven't read it yet I suggest you do), I won't claim that we have all of the answers all of the time, but you know what? We've been through this and we can look back in hindsight and see what could have been done better. We've also, as board regulars, have seen the same sh!t over and over and over again.

YES every case is unique, but at the same time every case has similarities and scripts and predictable outcomes.


I wish you could see that.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> let me make something absolutely crystal clear to you-
> 
> 
> I never WANT to be right about telling someone that it's likely their spouse is cheating.
> ...


^ absolutely agree. The only person I would ever wish that kind of pain on would be my ex husband just so he could know what it feels like.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

burnt said:


> The problem with the advice given on this forum, is the member's giving the advice, 'want' to be right, for the wrong reasons.


You want the members giving the advice to be 'wrong' for the right reasons.

You couldn't be more wrong about members wanting to be right. No one here wants to be right, right sucks. 

Maybe you think it's 'misery loves company?' or maybe its a big popularity contest amongst anonomous people in anomous places, and everyone wants to be the smartest anonomous nobody floating out here in the sea of a trillion voices of the internet? 

No bro, your way off. I'm sorry your wife betrayed you. The motivation of the people here, though you would like to believe it's something sinister or jaded... is simple. 

We only seek to save you from some of the mistakes and agony that we have endured ourselves. Because ALL of our situations and ALL of our marriages were different too, special, and unique... just like you believe yours is now... Until they weren't.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Atleast 90%+. The problem is that most people believe they are in the less than 10% because they want to believe they have something "special" that nobody else has. The sad fact is that while every person and relationship is "special" in its own way, we are all still humans most with the same instincts just minor variations due to upbringing, situations and what not. It is not a script because it only happens to a few people, it is a script because it almost always plays out in the same way.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

It sucks being right and oh how we wish we were wrong.

I come here to try and support those going through the devastation of betrayal. It's been over 9 months since d-day, but the feelings from that day are etched on me forever. Unless someone has lived it, they can't understand. Most of us posting here have lived it and will never forget. 

I hope my posts help those who might be going through the feelings of a betrayal. I want them to realize they are not alone, that it's okay to question and verify a spouse's story, they are not crazy, and that the sooner the whole truth is revealed the better for them and their marriage.

Watching posters not want to research or verify concerns me, because it seems to show they're scared of finding something. If a spouse is not cheating, then there's nothing to find. If someone has taken the time to find this forum and post on this thread, then they must feel something is amiss in the marriage. But sometimes they are unwilling or scared to find the problem. It might not always be cheating, could be other addictions, but it's still a problem in the marriage.

Many times a betrayed spouse lives in their own fog. If I didn't have the OWH provide me hard proof of my husband's affair, I would've lived in limbo for who knows how long. I felt like such a fool on d-day. It sucks to feel like a fool, but sucks more to be played like one. So I see all of us here on TAM trying to watch the LS's back, making sure they're not being played the fool. If they're not, then that is absolutely wonderful! Helps restore my faith that not everyone cheats. But as the topic of this thread wonders . . . our predicition rate seems to be pretty high.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Amplexor said:


> Unfortunately when you see it day to day there are things that stand out and generally we get it right. Part of that is because most noobs are at critical mass when they get here and the marriage is listing badly.
> 
> I do recall a guy a couple of years ago who felt his marriage was in trouble as he found a pair of unfamiliar sexy panties with semen stains in them in the laundry. He was convinced that his wife had had an affair or ONS on her last business trip. (No not Shamwow) He got the:
> 
> ...


this reminds of when I was around 20 and my mom was going through the on and off again crap with my dad and his affair. I was home for the holidays and of course like any normal college student you basically stuff all of your dirty clothes into your bag for mom to wash. 
Later that day she pulled me aside and looked very nervous. She had a condom in her hand (new and wrapped) and she then said, "I need you to be completely honest with me and I want to let you know that I don't care if you are sexually active, nor is it any of my business but I have to know- is this yours? I found it while folding the laundry that had both yours and your father's clothes."
I sheepishly answered that it was mine (I knew the brand) and meekly grabbed the condom without looking at her.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

burnt said:


> The problem with the advice given on this forum, is the member's giving the advice, 'want' to be right, for the wrong reasons.


Oh man.. You are so wrong on this. We so desperately want to be wrong. People here are just outlining reality.
If you or your partner have had an affair then nothing will ever be the same again. The marriage has changed. Some people can recover and if conditions are met then there is a a lot of support for recovery. This is a pro-marriage site!
The problem is that most BS do not want to set the conditions that will allow them and their partners to recover. They want to bury it. Then a few months later. Here they are again. More pain, more agony, more betrayal. It hurts when another thread comes up with " I am not sure.. " I sometimes fall into the gentler camp, but sometimes it is so obvious that there is an affair that there is no choice but to try and protect the poster. 
A person in enormous pain and can see no way out. TAM saved my sanity.


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

Burnt,

I initially found this place trying to help my best friend going through marital problems. Showed him some posts, some ofthe stories that he couldn't deny the similarities with his situation. He too wanted to ignore the Internet advice, thought they were way off.

It's advice learned from some pretty awful experiences. His divorce is now going to be a nightmare for him, compounded by the ridiculous mistakes he made and his refusal to believe his wifes capacity for atrocious behavior and actions. TAM won't solve all your problems for you, but it can help find solutions to try. And as for my friend, I can lead a horse to water...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nice_cheryl (Oct 15, 2011)

Almost 100%.
If you feel it in your gut - it is probably true.
Do the research.


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## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

bump


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I want every WS to wise up, look at the person they loved, and return to loving them.

I want the WS to clear their head and come home.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

I know everyone here told me my H was having an affair and I tried to deny it. The minute I realized that was exactly what was happening, I was bombarded by red flags. In the past 5 days, I have gone from completely devastated to OMG! WTF have I been doing for the past 7 years?!?! I know that the way he acts and the things he says are because of the dense fog that is surrounding his head. I just thank all of you for helping me see what is going on. As hard as it is to accept that my H is having an EA and divorcing me, it makes it a little easier being able to chat with all of you.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Whether you're mostly accurate or not is not the critical issue. It's how you feel about being mostly right or suspecting you're mostly right. In any relationship - reality is far less important than the perception of reality


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Whether you're mostly accurate or not is not the critical issue. It's how you feel about being mostly right or suspecting you're mostly right. In any relationship - reality is far less important than the perception of reality


I disagree sir. What is more important here. My perception of reality is my wife is just hanging with a friend an awful lot. The reality is my wife just gave me herpies because she is ****ing her friend an awful lot?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Whether you're mostly accurate or not is not the critical issue. It's how you feel about being mostly right or suspecting you're mostly right.


Huh?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

That's a different thing. If you feel like your spouse is disloyal that's the same thing as if they are, whether they are or not. By the time it gets to spreading virii around, it's too late.


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