# How to handle a fight?



## Liz1972 (Mar 8, 2020)

Got in an argument to with my husband. Won't go into nitty gritty. He has refused to sleep with me last few nights and says he won't have sex with me for 2 months. But at the same time is sending me a bunch of nice texts and complimenting me all day. Which isn't his usual thing.. Meanwhile i am and i only speak to him when he speaks to me and the rest of the time i ignore him. and i reply to his texts but only with a quick short reply.. any advice?


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

Liz1972 said:


> Got in an argument to with my husband. Won't go into nitty gritty. He has refused to sleep with me last few nights and says he won't have sex with me for 2 months. But at the same time is sending me a bunch of nice texts and complimenting me all day. Which isn't his usual thing.. Meanwhile i am and i only speak to him when he speaks to me and the rest of the time i ignore him. and i reply to his texts but only with a quick short reply.. any advice?


He's acting fairly juvenile and being passive-aggressive from the sounds of it. Withholding intimacy is a manipulation tactic and if I were you, I wouldn't stand for it.


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## Liz1972 (Mar 8, 2020)

Thanks .. i think using sex and intimacy as a weapon or way to punish someone is a horrible idea. That is why i have chosen to stop all interaction with him other than what's necessary. i am polite but i am not going to cry, yell and especially not chase ..


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

Liz1972 said:


> Thanks .. i think using sex and intimacy as a weapon or way to punish someone is a horrible idea. That is why i have chosen to stop all interaction with him other than what's necessary. i am polite but i am not going to cry, yell and especially not chase ..


I think as little to no contact as possible is a great idea in your case. He really is weaponizing intimacy, and in some relationships that alone would be scene as an immediate deal-breaker.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

How long have you been married? Have you ever withheld intimacy from him during a disagreement? It's normal to not feel loving toward your partner during the few days surrounding a fight but to announce ahead of time that he's not going to sleep with you for 2 months is a bit odd? If it were me, I'd probably tell him he's risking not being welcome back in my bed when the 2 months is up. I think you're both using unhealthy tactics to show your anger. I would sit him down and tell him that withholding intimacy is not something you're going to get over easily if he's going to use that to punish you. And he in return should tell you that the silent treatment is also not a healthy way to deal with disagreements.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

What was the fight about? 

It can be common to not be intimate during a fight but many marriages, mine included; we've agreed we still have sex even if we're in a tiff. Been M 35 yrs.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

You’re both acting like children, snap out of it.


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## Liz1972 (Mar 8, 2020)

i have never withheld intimacy or used sex as a weapon... Although he has i used this tactic over and over and this time i think he has pushed me to my limit. i am considering staying at my moms in the next town. my goal is to resolve this but i i am just done.. it's always me chasing him for sex whatever else, attention and time and i am just done..I do love him very much but enough is enough . the reason. i don't even want to talk about it is because he always plays the victim over and over in any fight and it's always my fault according to him. how can you have a conversation when your dealing with that? Most of the time we get along but when things go wrong he doesn't play fair.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Liz1972 said:


> Got in an argument to with my husband. Won't go into nitty gritty. He has refused to sleep with me last few nights and says he won't have sex with me for 2 months. But at the same time is sending me a bunch of nice texts and complimenting me all day. Which isn't his usual thing.. Meanwhile i am and i only speak to him when he speaks to me and the rest of the time i ignore him. and i reply to his texts but only with a quick short reply.. any advice?


Need some pretext. What happened?


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Don't be surprised if there is another woman involved, even if you don't think there's the remotest possibility. Two months sounds like he's giving himself some time to play around. I hope I'm wrong.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I'm just going to throw this out there....is it possible he picked up a social disease and needs a couple of months to let the antibiotics clear things up? The two month sex ban is an odd thing to randomly declare. Then to be suddenly sending you unusual complimentary text messages seems like he is feeling guilty.

I would discreetly start digging.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Liz1972 said:


> ... it's always me chasing him for sex whatever else, attention and time and i am just done..I do love him very much but enough is enough . the reason. i don't even want to talk about it is because he always plays the victim over and over in any fight and it's always my fault according to him.


He sounds quite abusive to me. This is just my perspective from what you've reported, but I fail to see how you, or any other woman, could love someone who behaves like such a jerk. Sounds like you aren't priority number one as far as he is concerned. Actually, he sounds downright childish.

I couldn't stay in what you've described; sounds like marriage hell to me. But … your life, your choice. JMO.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Liz1972 said:


> Got in an argument to with my husband. Won't go into nitty gritty. He has refused to sleep with me last few nights and says he won't have sex with me for 2 months. But at the same time is sending me a bunch of nice texts and complimenting me all day. Which isn't his usual thing.. Meanwhile i am and i only speak to him when he speaks to me and the rest of the time i ignore him. and i reply to his texts but only with a quick short reply.. any advice?


What happened in the fight?


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## Liz1972 (Mar 8, 2020)

it's going to end in divorce


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## Liz1972 (Mar 8, 2020)

i was at a house drinking with my husband and my friend.. i showed her a text that upset her .. we continued to drink and she left without telling me and got into a drunk driving accident no injuries but a dui and damaged car. my husband blames me.


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## Liz1972 (Mar 8, 2020)

He thinks she drove drunk because i shared her an upsetting text . He doesn't even give her on ounce of blame.. he was at the house and left us both very drunk he doesn't blame himself either for leaving when he knew we needed a ride home and we're both drunk. i actually called him to come back and drive us home but she left i had no idea she said she was going outside for a cigarette and didn't come back... I am the only person he is blaming ..


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## Liz1972 (Mar 8, 2020)

i am i willing to accept all the blame here no way no how he is nuts 🥜


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Liz1972 said:


> He thinks she drove drunk because i shared her an upsetting text . He doesn't even give her on ounce of blame.. he was at the house and left us both very drunk he doesn't blame himself either for leaving when he knew we needed a ride home and we're both drunk. i actually called him to come back and drive us home but she left i had no idea she said she was going outside for a cigarette and didn't come back... I am the only person he is blaming ..


Some questions. And none of it is meant to blame you, I’m trying to understand. 

1. Why were you and your husband drinking with your friend? It seems like your marriage dynamic is already difficult, and this might make it even more so. 
2. What is the story with this friend of yours? Is she a hothead? Does she frequently do irresponsible things? If so, why is she your friend?
3. What was the text?
4. Why did neither one of you attempt to stop her from leaving?
5. Was it her house? How did you two get home?

Again - not blaming you. Trying to understand.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

A) Your husband's behavior of using/withholding sex as a weapon is toxic behavior, manipulative, and abusive. What he is doing is NOT ok, no matter what you might have done. There is no excuse for his behavior. As others have said, it's normal to not feel amorous towards your spouse in the midst of a fight, and you always have the right to say no... but withholding sex as punishment is toxic.

B) You are not responsible for your friend's drinking and her getting a DUI. Her behavior, her responsibility. No one gets to blame you for that, especially not your husband. If he wants to place blame, he was there, too, which means he should be looking at himself, too. The one caveat is if the party/drinking was happening at your house and you provided the alcohol... depending on the laws in your state, you could be held legally responsible if a guest gets drunks and hits someone or causes property damage. So, the present situation aside, that is something you should be cognizant of.

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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Admittedly, I'm caught on detail here and finding it all a bit confusing.

How many cars between you when the 3 of you arrived to the house together? 
Whose car was damaged through your friend's accident? 
How did your husband get home?
How did the '2 months' as a time-frame come about?


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## Liz1972 (Mar 8, 2020)

Hi.. Just to make it clear i didn't let her drive .. she went outside to smoke and i didn't realize she was going to get in the car. as soon as i realized it i told her to come back ... 

it's a vacation property not a place where we live. husband knew we all had to head home that night as my friend and i both have kids..

I think part of the issue is my husbands guilt . He is the only one who didn't really have anything to drink and he left me and her there very intoxicated with no safe way for us to get home..

The dynamics- husband and i have both been in a romantic relationship with my friend for 5 yrs.. and friends for 16 years .. He sent me a text that night saying he didn't want to continue in a relationship with the two of us and he barely wanted to be in one with me. i was hurt and upset and showed her the text.. He says this caused her to drink more and make a bad decision to drive so it's my fault and he says i showed her the text to hurt her (which isn't true at all).. and if i hadn't started a fight with him that night he wouldn't have left so it's my fault he wasn't there to drive us home!

He actually told me to get a job.. to pay for her car repair i told him No...

so that's my crazy life.. as he is blaming me i realize maybe i hate him.. because i am done being blamed for everything.. it's a joke he takes no blame for anything and accuses me of never taking responsibility but really he is talking about himself..


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## Liz1972 (Mar 8, 2020)

i meant when i saw her headlights and realized she left i called her in the phone and asked her to comeback.. meanwhile i was the only one who showed any responsibility. i actually called my husband and told him he had to drive back and pick up and take us home unfortunately she took off before he got there.. She doesn't blame me at all. she is upset because she knows i am fighting with him.. 

i bet this all had to do with his own guilt because he khe shouldn't have left us so intoxicated...


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## Liz1972 (Mar 8, 2020)

But I don't blame my husband either I feel like it's her fault because she should know not to get in the car and drive and I as drunk as I was new I couldn't drive and I put my husband to come back and get us


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

You already know your husband will blame you for everything short of Original Sin. Drinking? Uh, no. Just. No. 

Drinking and fighting - or even what start as minor disagreements - are a recipe for disaster. To which you can obviously attest.

For the time being, I'd suggest you limit consumption of alcohol. And, yeah, you are absolutely right to get this clown out of your life. This entire post is about far more than how to handle a fight. Seek legal counsel. Then get the heck out of this hot mess.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Liz1972 said:


> Hi.. Just to make it clear i didn't let her drive .. she went outside to smoke and i didn't realize she was going to get in the car. as soon as i realized it i told her to come back ...
> 
> it's a vacation property not a place where we live. husband knew we all had to head home that night as my friend and i both have kids..
> 
> ...


Ok I’m lost. 

You and your husband are in a relationship with your friend. While, presumably, you’re having to chase him around for sex and are in a high conflict marriage. 

Your husband texts you saying he doesn’t want to continue with your friend... and maybe not you either. 

So you go to a vacation home and are drinking together. You show her this text. She leaves to have a smoke, drives away drunk, and your husband blames you. 

Do I have this right?


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## Liz1972 (Mar 8, 2020)

Yes you have that right


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Marduk said:


> Ok I’m lost.
> 
> You and your husband are in a relationship with your friend. While, presumably, you’re having to chase him around for sex and are in a high conflict marriage.
> 
> ...


This is what I gather too. Along with husband is 'sending a bunch of nice texts and complimenting all day'. Yet won't have sex with Liz for 2 months.

Something does not compute (with me) here. 


Liz and her husband married 25 years, with 6 kids.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Liz1972 said:


> Got in an argument to with my husband. Won't go into nitty gritty. He has refused to sleep with me last few nights and says he won't have sex with me for 2 months. But at the same time is sending me a bunch of nice texts and complimenting me all day. Which isn't his usual thing.. Meanwhile i am and i only speak to him when he speaks to me and the rest of the time i ignore him. and i reply to his texts but only with a quick short reply.. any advice?


The truth of the matter is, you and he are ending the marriage without communication, it will dissolve, because resentment and jealousy will best it's ugly head. Your both proud and each of you expect to win the war. Just as well call it quits. Because one of you always gives in is why resentment is and will control to relationship to it's end. 

I can not tell you which is right without more facts but it may not matter much because if he has a active sex life it just won't be with you or vise versa. When the other offers a intentions of good will and the other doesn't accept it it will stop and the next stage is set.


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## Liz1972 (Mar 8, 2020)

I don't really think he wants to get out of a relationship with me.. He wants to punish me for he perceives i did wrong but is trying to balance it with some nice texts and stuff so that i don't actually leave him.. that's my guess


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Liz1972 said:


> Hi.. Just to make it clear i didn't let her drive .. she went outside to smoke and i didn't realize she was going to get in the car. as soon as i realized it i told her to come back ...
> 
> it's a vacation property not a place where we live. husband knew we all had to head home that night as my friend and i both have kids..
> 
> ...


Ok he's made a choice I just read you post. And found this the hit button. You and he sharing your friend and because of your romantic threesome romantic involvement he'll get sex from her. And it should be not surprise to you. Also if you feel the need to get hammered in order to have fun to that level should stop. But your earlier post said your gonna divorce, file and be done. You marriage was toast when you started to share each other. I'm not being judgemental just see how these types of relationships go.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Liz1972 said:


> I don't really think he wants to get out of a relationship with me.. He wants to punish me for he perceives i did wrong but is trying to balance it with some nice texts and stuff so that i don't actually leave him.. that's my guess


Ok, but only because your married and he feels guilty about leaving you.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I think it's true what they say - ''when the pain of staying in a toxic relationship exceeds the risk of getting out of it and facing the unknown, you will change.''

I think your relationship is toxic, and you both seem to feed off the drama. And the third wheel who is this other woman. It's not working, this triangle you have created with your husband and friend. I think you need to reflect on what you're getting out of this toxic set up, because it really is that, from my viewpoint. I don't know all of the details, and you say you love your husband, but your husband sounds like a tool who is used to pulling your strings. A narcissist who enjoys this game of two women ''chasing'' him.

Staying with your mom would do you some good. I would consider counseling, if he's willing, or maybe some for yourself. Then, start making decisions that don't involve drama...believe it or not, it's easy to get addicted to drama, even if we can't admit that. Hope things start looking up for you, but they won't change, unless you make a radical change.*


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## a_new_me (Dec 27, 2012)

Ok. Welcome to life.

You are his side piece 

You gave him his taste. Now you want different? Really?

WTF???

Decide on what you want and set boundaries. 

Unless this is a BS thing, guarantee he is nailing her and trying to gaslight.
Obviously not mature enough to handle diverse relationships. 

Sorry.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Liz1972 said:


> so that's my crazy life..


Yeah. The main thing in this story seems to be that everyone keeps making really, really unwise life decisions. 



> as he is blaming me i realize maybe i hate him.. because i am done being blamed for everything.. it's a joke he takes no blame for anything


The other thing is, nearly all your posts talk about "blame" (or "fault" or "guilt"). That's a completely pointless concept in a situation like this. Nothing ever gets solved in relationships by talking about who is to blame. Situations always are what they are because they got that way. The thing to focus on is what would be wise to do next. 

My advice to you would be don't ever talk or think again about who's to blame, or who thinks who's to blame. Get the car fixed. Stop smoking and excessive drinking. Stop punishing each other by withdrawing intimacy. Get to counselling, or end the relationship. Or take whatever actions seem to you like wise. 

But not all this "I blame him for saying he think's I'm to blame for him blaming me" childishness.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Liz1972 said:


> He has refused to sleep with me last few nights and says he won't have sex with me for 2 months.


LOL...and he thinks this is a punishment because...why?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> LOL...and he thinks this is a punishment because...why?


Good point!


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

OnTheFly said:


> You’re both acting like children, snap out of it.


^for the win


Both need to learn to argue fairly. Once you do, arguing generally stops all together.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

He's not the only penis in town. If his is unavailable, that's his choice.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Liz1972 said:


> I don't really think he wants to get out of a relationship with me.. He wants to punish me for he perceives i did wrong but is trying to balance it with some nice texts and stuff so that i don't actually leave him.. that's my guess


He's trying to regain or maintain control. That is why abusers blame. Read this book: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/why-does-he-do-that-lundy-bancroft/1102335902


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

hubbyintrubby said:


> He's acting fairly juvenile and being passive-aggressive from the sounds of it. *Withholding intimacy is a manipulation tactic* and if I were you, I wouldn't stand for it.


It's also a form of abuse. I also wouldn't stand for it, and would sit him down and have a chat with him. I would tell him that no intimacy for 2 months is a dealbreaker for me, and that if he wants to continue with the marriage, that both of us need to be committed to working through the issue at hand, hearing one another out, respecting one another’s words, and coming to terms with it. I think you’re both handling yourselves in a wrong manner: him by withholding intimacy and playing mind games with his sweet texts, and you by giving him the silent treatment unless spoken to.

Fix this before it ends up ending in divorce.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Liz1972 said:


> i have never withheld intimacy or used sex as a weapon... Although he has i used this tactic over and over and this time i think he has pushed me to my limit. i am considering staying at my moms in the next town. my goal is to resolve this but i i am just done.. it's always me chasing him for sex whatever else, attention and time and i am just done..I do love him very much but enough is enough . *the reason. i don't even want to talk about it is because he always plays the victim over and over in any fight and it's always my fault according to him. how can you have a conversation when your dealing with that? Most of the time we get along but when things go wrong he doesn't play fair.*


My immediate family is exactly this way, and I also chose to marry someone who was like this too. I won’t call any of them full-blown narcissists because I don’t think they are, but I do believe that they have narcissistic tendencies, and you cannot reason with someone like that. With the way your husband is, you’ll always be dealing with this in arguments, and it’s fine if you can handle it and navigate around it. In my case, I stopped talking to my now XH so that he couldn’t find anything to pick apart and blame me for.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Laurentium said:


> Yeah. The main thing in this story seems to be that everyone keeps making really, really unwise life decisions.
> 
> The other thing is, nearly all your posts talk about "blame" (or "fault" or "guilt"). That's a completely pointless concept in a situation like this. Nothing ever gets solved in relationships by talking about who is to blame. Situations always are what they are because they got that way. The thing to focus on is what would be wise to do next.
> 
> ...


Now that I’ve read the rest of your story, I agree with this post above. It seems that you guys feed off the drama, and keep making poor life choices. It’s time to grow up and change the dynamic. If I were you I would also give up excessive drinking. You have 6 kids with this guy and have been married for 25 years? This tells me that you’re old enough to know better. What are you teaching your children?


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I haven’t read everything on this thread. But I will say that learning to fight fair is incredibly important in marriage, because marriage will never be without arguments. 
It’s actually worth it to go see a therapist with the purpose of getting help for resolving arguments. 

What he was doing is wrong. What you were doing is wrong. You both are being immature and are not fighting nice.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Liz1972 said:


> i have never withheld intimacy or used sex as a weapon... Although he has i used this tactic over and over and this time i think he has pushed me to my limit. i am considering staying at my moms in the next town. my goal is to resolve this but i i am just done.. it's always me chasing him for sex whatever else, attention and time and i am just done..I do love him very much but enough is enough . the reason. i don't even want to talk about it is because he always plays the victim over and over in any fight and it's always my fault according to him. how can you have a conversation when your dealing with that? Most of the time we get along but when things go wrong he doesn't play fair.


It sounds like he knows that sex is important to you, so he uses it as a weapon. I think that you going to your mom's is a good idea.

This reminds me of how I handled my son's tantrums when he was a toddler. Toddlers want attention and tantrums are a great way to get it. So, when he threw tantrums, I started just walking away without saying a word. I'd go to another room. After a bit my son would stop his tantrum, come to the room where I was, throw himself on the floor in front of me and start crying and carrying with his tantrum. So I would go to yet another room. It only took me doing this a couple of times for him to realize that tantrums don't work on me. He would be ignored if he threw a tantrum.

Your husband is throwing a tantrum. Ignore him.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@ Liz1972 who pushed for the open relationship in the first place?

Is he continuing to have sex with her?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Girl_power said:


> I haven’t read everything on this thread. But I will say that learning to fight fair is incredibly important in marriage, because marriage will never be without arguments.
> It’s actually worth it to go see a therapist with the purpose of getting help for resolving arguments.
> 
> What he was doing is wrong. What you were doing is wrong. You both are being immature and are not fighting nice.


Learning "the rules of engagement" for fighting literally saved our marriage.

Our rules:
1. no name calling, imitating, rolling your eyes, etc.
2. no yelling.
3. no threatening divorce.
4. if you get to a point where you're going to do those things, take a time out. Rules for the timeout:
a) it must be formally declared, as in "I need a time out." You don't get to just walk away.
b) it means an immediate cessation of the discussion and must be respected.
c) it has a time limit - 30 minutes at minimum to a maximum of overnight. It is not a way to avoid the discussion.
d) it is not a 'break' from the relationship. It is a 'pause' on the discussion.

Things that are _not_ time outs: just walking away, ignoring the other person, telling someone to **** off, slamming/locking the door, leaving to go see friends for the night or the weekend, etc. It cannot be a punishment, cannot heighten anxiety, and cannot be used to manipulate the outcome of the conversation. It is solely a way to bring the emotions down so that the conversation can be continued.

We've gotten good enough at fighting that we now give each other a weekly get out of jail free/mulligan card - in other words, one of us can say something like "Ok listen I need a do-over on this whole thing." And then it's just over. I doubt it would work for something big, but when you've just said or done something stupid, we just move on with life often now.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Her choice to drink and drive is no ones but her own.

Your husbands punishing you like a naughty child is juvenile, abusive and toxic.

Your giving him the silent treatment is juvenile, abusive and toxic.

This whole thing is a toxic mess.


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