# Need some advice



## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

I need some perspective and thoughts.

20 year marriage, no kids. I work, she does not. My wife had an affair which led me to sort of wake up and to recount the last 12 years. I realized that I have spent most of our marriage working hard to make the marriage work and help her be happy and she spent most of that time being unhappy expressed in various ways.

She does not express herself or say what she needs, but will act out to get her way. I have never seen her cry, but acting out is about being cold and angry. She hardly ever responds to me intimately or emotionally. She has become less transparent in her activities since I caught the affair. She refuses the idea of marriage counseling or therapy.

We get along and have fun together frequently when she is not in a bad mood ( ~40% of the time). We have the same sense of humor and enjoy activities together. However all of the issues with emotion and intimacy lead me to believe this part of relationship is just bull****--a facade. 

It seems all the hard work I have done has not counted for much or at least she has been unable to make me feel that it has meant much to her. I now have regrets for trying as hard as I have and not getting clue earlier. The marriage just does not seem to mean all that much to her and I am unwilling to continue as it has been.

I explain this to her and told her I think divorce is the only answer for us because I don't see her changing or wanting to change. She thinks we are just swell and either does not believe I am serious or is unable to demonstrate that she does care about our marriage in any way beyond a smile and some words which is starting to take on a plastic quality in my imagination.

Thoughts? Anything else I can do here other than end it decisively? If I can save this I will. But that might be part of my problem. Though I am beyond being emotional about all this, I am a fixer and I am going nuts over not being able to fix this.

Oh, and yes, I have not been perfect in the marriage. I have never cheated but I am sure there are things I could have done differently. Thats not really point though. I say this only to show I am not completely self absorbed.

Thx


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Tell her it's MC or divorce. Then follow through.

What has she done to prove she's worthy of you staying with her after she cheated? How do you know she isn't still cheating?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Find a copy of "No More Mr. Nice Guy". See if it applies. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Filing for divorce may wake her up you could cancel it later.
Did she give you a timeline of the affair and who it was?
Get your financials in order.
She does not respect you.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Tell her to go get a job.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

Hope1964 said:


> Tell her it's MC or divorce. Then follow through.
> 
> What has she done to prove she's worthy of you staying with her after she cheated? How do you know she isn't still cheating?



I don't, but that is a point I am holding separately. If she is it is a total deal breaker and none of my questions matter anyway.

Thanks for your comments.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

PBear said:


> Find a copy of "No More Mr. Nice Guy". See if it applies.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It has for most of our marriage I am afraid. I am responsible for how long this has gone on, but I am much more lucid about it now. The problem has not been in my ability to make choices for my self interest, but in seeing the relationship for what it was.


Thx


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

tom67 said:


> Filing for divorce may wake her up you could cancel it later.
> Did she give you a timeline of the affair and who it was?
> Get your financials in order.
> She does not respect you.
> ...


I know everything about the affair but it only lasted a two months at most. More likely less than a month.

We are very healthy financially with a lot to lose from a long legal fight for both of us. I was hoping to do this uncontested and settle on support but service might be necessary.

Thx


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

The affair continues from afar through the miracle of the internet.

Spent today taking care of logistics, new bank account, PO box ect.. Tomorrow comes the discussion that there will be no way back from but I am fine with that -- better than fine. I feel a lot better knowing this is the way it has to be and that I did all I could...

Cheers


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

ScrambledEggs said:


> The affair continues from afar through the miracle of the internet.
> 
> Spent today taking care of logistics, new bank account, PO box ect.. Tomorrow comes the discussion that there will be no way back from but I am fine with that -- better than fine. I feel a lot better knowing this is the way it has to be and that I did all I could...
> 
> Cheers


Wow! You really have your act together. It is good that you have detached so much and can compartmentalize your emotions. I wish I was that together. You should be here giving us advice! I can relate because a lot of the going through the motions stuff of daily life is how I have lived for a large chunk of my 24 married years. Having never seen her cry is VERY telling.........big time ice queen and when they don't feel comfortable enough to be vulnerable in front of you it means they don't respect and love you IMHO. Ask me how I know! If she refuses counseling I think you are toast. Follow through until/unless she comes around. You deserve a better quality of life as do I. Keep us posted and keep talking but you are on your way..........D


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