# How to fix murky situation?



## Rafi478 (Apr 22, 2018)

I’m a 50 year old guy married for a bit over a decade. I’ve only done a few hit and runs outside my marriage, and any transgressions have occurred many miles away from home. 

About a year ago, I started flirting with a 21 year old waitress from a restaurant I’ve often frequented for years near my house. It was harmless so I thought , I had always liked her and thought she was good looking from when I met her. Couple of months ago, she gave me her number, we got really close and texted a crap ton, I told her more about myself than anyone combined, (most notably about my abusive childhood and anecdotes about my life that maybe I haven’t gone into as much detail with my wife about). We have a real connection. We were open about our obvious attraction to one another and she asked me if I’d kiss her. She then told me she’s a transsexual, which threw me for a loop but then because I thought it’d be jerky not to kiss her just because of that and because it’d put a stop a place and I did still want to lock lips with her, we made out at Halloween. It was nice but I thought I had been clear that was where it would end, though she argues I wasn’t.

I’ve tried to continue our personal connection but she’s insistent on more kissing and she says she’s in love with me. Around Thanksgiving, my wife almost saw an explicit text she sent and I told her that we couldn’t pursue this romantically. We’re close anyway. Plus I want to help her make money for her surgery and beyond through investments I’m doing. I’ve tried to be a good friend, helping her get surgery money, offering money if she needed it in a pinch with her job, Ubers for safe rides home from nightclubs. Yet, it’s like every month or so, we have an issue where she won’t move past the ‘romantic’ part of things, resulting in a blowup. She even asked me if I was carrying a torch for her based on my helping her so much and being so close to her and continuing to text and send pictures and phone and give her expensive Uber rides and everything else I share with her. Isn’t that crazy? It’s my nature to help my friends and look out for people, yes I’m helping her in a different way than my other friends (I don’t want her to spend money), but I simply identify with her journey and some hardships she’s faced in life. How is that a mixed signal, where would one get romantic intention from all of that? 

After Thanksgiving, I told my wife about the waitress and that she’d be helping me with the investments and that I’d try to help this girl primarily for her surgery. I didn’t tell my wife of the attraction or that we had made out and yeah, if she hadn’t been trans, maybe it would’ve gone further. I told the waitress that doing anything further like kissing more would be deceitful if my wife knows I’m working with her. The girl told me that we’re still lying in a way and called that deceitful, I told her plainly to mind her business about my marriage. Why would I tell my wife we had an attraction and flirted a bit and made out once or twice? That would only hurt her. And how dare this girl butt into my marriage! She called this an emotional affair and said we had crossed lines of intimacy. We have a connection, it was just a kiss- not much transpired like sex or anything further. That’s true we’re close but whatever an emotional affair is, I told her that the ‘emotional affair’ part is over and we’re just close friends who have a connection, what’s wrong with having a friend? I have guy friends I’m emotionally intimate with in some ways more than my wife, it’s not a contest. Why can’t I be close with this girl the same way I’m close with my guy friends? Again, why would it matter that we’re attracted and made out once? Telling my wife everything would only hurt her. Why should I hurt my wife on purpose by telling her of something small that happened? Why can’t we just move past it and continue as friends? Is that bad?

She also pushes boundaries by occasionally saying she’s in love with me casually in our conversation. I have no problem with her saying I love you every night as a good night (which she does) or way to finish the texting conversation but saying she’s in love with me is pushing a boundary and puts me into the position of having to reject her over and over again. And I don’t think being rejected would feel good for her either. Why can’t she understand that?

I still care about this girl very much and want to help her in such a big way but there’s been these blowups every three weeks or so. She keeps pushing boundaries by saying she’s in love with me. Can’t we just move past this and continue our connection? Even now, we continue to text and talk on the phone for many hours multiple times a week, but sometimes she’ll ignore me and be frosty and I have no understanding as to why. It all seems to come back to the romantic crap which is draining. I care about her deeply but want to move past the romantic drama and want to help her financially and just be close friends so as not to be unfaithful to my wife. Is that wrong to not want to hurt my wife by telling her, have I been misleading or unclear in words or actions? How can we move forward so I can keep my connection with her without drama and we can all live happily ever after?


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Shes confused about her sexual idenity along with her feelings for a much older guy that led her on.


You have some real problems in your thought process. You start off by saying you had only a few hit and runs during your marriage.

Really! Well at least they were far away... wtf

Your poor wife!

I hope she finds out about your hit in runs and leaves you


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*What is remotely wrong with keeping your vows of love right there with your wife rather than seeking it elsewhere!

When she ultimately finds out the truth about your true deception, don't be appalled that she doesn't go "nuclear" on you!*


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## stro (Feb 7, 2018)

This shouldn’t be murky at all. You had an affair. Don’t minimize it. It was an EA that became physical when you made out with her. 

Cut her out of your life completely TODAY. You do not need a “connection” with any woman who isn’t your wife. And you certainly can’t remain friends with your AP.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Is it me or is the OP incredibly nonchalant and oblivious about what the heck he's walking into lol. Its like a ******* coming into an inner city bar talking like a racist not realizing his surroundings. Is there a subforum on TAM where cheaters and lowlifes can openly get advice to help their cheating causes?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

stillfightingforus said:


> Is it me or is the OP incredibly nonchalant and oblivious about what the heck he's walking into lol. Its like a ******* coming into an inner city bar talking like a racist not realizing his surroundings. Is there a subforum on TAM where cheaters and lowlifes can openly get advice to help their cheating causes?


My,my....

On words, suggesting offensive words and threadbare posts be blocked, to be shunted aside, is not according to the Rules on TAM.

Pass on, pass on by.

I agree with your premise, not with your solution.

In an open forum, one must take the good along with the yellow colored salt.

Life is not rosy, nor is it free of debris.
All long as the poster follows the rules, they may open any such can of worms.

Even those, not containing worms, more so maggots. 

Pass on, pass on by. I will be right behind Thee.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Rafi478 You are a multiple cheater and... that's all we need to know.


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## Rafi478 (Apr 22, 2018)

stro said:


> This shouldn’t be murky at all. You had an affair. Don’t minimize it. It was an EA that became physical when you made out with her.
> 
> Cut her out of your life completely TODAY. You do not need a “connection” with any woman who isn’t your wife. And you certainly can’t remain friends with your AP.


It’s only ‘murky’ because I’ve been clear about my connection with her being only a friendship. We aren’t pursuing it romantically, why can’t she get that. I have no problem talking to her or caring a great deal for her or bending over backward for her more than anyone else. Yet she still wants to kiss me, she’s still causing drama and it gets back to the crap I thought we had put to bed months ago. It could be so easy, we just be friends, I help her make money and then all will be well. I wouldn’t want to risk our endeavors nor would I want to enter into ongoing deceit, especially with someone who works close by my house and someone my wife knows about. How can we fix this?


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## Rafi478 (Apr 22, 2018)

arbitrator said:


> *What is remotely wrong with keeping your vows of love right there with your wife rather than seeking it elsewhere!
> 
> When she ultimately finds out the truth about your true deception, don't be appalled that she doesn't go "nuclear" on you!*


I love my wife and would never do anything to hurt her. And that is why I have told this girl that I can’t pursue anything romantically, it would be entering into ongoing deceit. And we have a friendship, it was just one kiss. It shouldn’t be a big deal.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Rafi478 said:


> I love my wife and would never do anything to hurt her. And that is why I have told this girl that I can’t pursue anything romantically, it would be entering into ongoing deceit. And we have a friendship, it was just one kiss. It shouldn’t be a big deal.


Would it be the same no big deal if it was your wife sharing a kiss with another man?


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

Rafi478 said:


> I love my wife and would never do anything to hurt her.


Oh really? What do you call those hit-and-runs?

Dude, get over yourself. You're an active cheater. You're an unremorseful cheater. You are living a lie and it will devastate your wife when she finds out about all of your dalliances.

Change from the dishonorable cheater that plays with tranny's and give your wife a clean divorce. Walk away and let her have it all, because you really deserve to be hit and ran over by several karma busses.

The situation is not a damn bit murky to me!


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## bankshot1993 (Feb 10, 2014)

Rafi478 said:


> I love my wife and would never do anything to hurt her. And that is why I have told this girl that I can’t pursue anything romantically, it would be entering into ongoing deceit. And we have a friendship, it was just one kiss. It shouldn’t be a big deal.


No, you put a stop to the physical side becuase you found out that she had a ****. Your helping with the money so you can get rid of the **** so you can turn the physical side of the relationship back on.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

If you want to continue helping this woman, then your wife needs to be the go between you two. And you'll need to change your diner.


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## smi11ie (Apr 21, 2016)

You’re a real good samaritan (lol). You sound deluded and you are playing with fire. If what you are doing is so “normal” and “kind”, then why don’t you announce it all to your family and friends.

It seems to me you know it is wrong but you want people here to tell you it is ok. That won’t happen, because it is completely disrespectful to your marriage.

Be grateful for what you have, or get divorced then do what you want as a single man.

Me thinks the little brain doth guide the larger(?) brain.


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## smi11ie (Apr 21, 2016)

Rafi478 said:


> I love my wife and would never do anything to hurt her. And that is why I have told this girl that I can’t pursue anything romantically, it would be entering into ongoing deceit. And we have a friendship, it was just one kiss. It shouldn’t be a big deal.


It sounds like you have done quite a lot of stuff that would hurt your wife. You have just never been caught.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I’ve only done a few hit and runs outside my marriage, and any transgressions have occurred many miles away from home. 

What goes around always comes around. I hope your wife finds out who you really are and kicks your ass to the kerb asap and marries a real man who has integrity and honor not a POS who cheats on her, and plays sugar daddy.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Rafi478 said:


> I love my wife and would never do anything to hurt her. And that is why I have told this girl that I can’t pursue anything romantically, it would be entering into ongoing deceit. And we have a friendship, it was just one kiss. It shouldn’t be a big deal.


Lying to yourself much?


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

you already hurt your wife in many ways. you are an embarrassment to her as soon as she is not around you. now you're messing with a tranny? how low can you go?
you're 50? man up already and be a responsible and loyal husband, this is the way how you love your wife!


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## Rafi478 (Apr 22, 2018)

aine said:


> Lying to yourself much?


What am I lying to myself about? This girl suggested that I’m lying to myself like I’m carrying some sort of torch for her- where would one get that idea?

I do not deny that I care a great deal for this girl but the romantic part (that only amounted to flirting and kissing one time) is over. We’re just friends - everything since has been with only friendly intentions, nothing more. If she can get that, then I can have my friend in my life and be faithful to wife without any disaster or drama or problems.


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## Mrs. John Adams (Nov 23, 2013)

Rafi...I was a cheater. The one thing cheaters have in common with each other is the ability to lie...to lie to others but also to lie to ourselves. We lie by minimizing what we have done...we lie by validating what we have done.

Anytime you have done something in secret....texting, emailing, calling, flirting, kissing, touching....anything you have done behind your spouses back is cheating. If you don't believe me...ask your wife. So you have been cheating for a long time.

As a spouse..you vowed to remain faithful to your spouse...you vowed to put her needs before your own and you have failed. You have put your needs...your wants....your desires all before your spouse. You have acted selfishly.

I would say to you...be honest. With yourself and with your spouse. Tell her what you have done...because at the end of the day....this is all really about how she feels and how she wants to handle this betrayal.

This is not about you...this is not about your friend...this is about your wife. She gets to decide how she wants to proceed from here...and you either love and respect her enough to abide by her decisions...or you divorce.


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## Rafi478 (Apr 22, 2018)

bankshot1993 said:


> Personally I think this whole thread is nothing more than to get a rise out of us, nobody is really this obtuse.


Didn’t mean to be obtuse, it’s just I never wanted this to be such a huge deal. Everything’s fine with my wife, I love her. I just happened to hit it off with this girl and I had hoped it would be reasonable to put a brake on the romantic stuff (which finding out her being trans did) and continue a close connection that I think is neat that I’ve told her so much about my life more than all the people who met me combined. I had hoped it would be harmless. And then she would even meet my wife in some capacity after we worked together and made some money and things work themselves out reasonably with good friendship. Is it bad to want that?


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Rafi478 said:


> Now, I see what you’re saying here. Being the man she married from this moment forward - yes. That’s what I am doing. I’m not doing anything romantically with the girl anymore. She’s just a friend. I’m allowed to have close friends, I would think. In the long run, a few months of flirtation and making out with another girl should not end a decade plus long marriage. I love her and fully choose her. That’s why this girl needs to accept that the romance bull crap is over and we have a special friendship. No more, no less. Then everything can be all good and I’ll be faithful forever. I don’t want to be that person who cheats, especially in their backyard. That’s why I bothered posting. So that I can figure out a way to get this friend to understand that.


You seem to place more importance on how your other woman feels than the damage you are doing to your marriage. 

Try being a friend to your wife.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Rafi478 said:


> I have no problem talking to her or caring a great deal for her or bending over backward for her more than anyone else.


LOL. I'll bet.

Trying to decide what kind of popcorn to make.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Rafi478 said:


> She then told me she’s a transsexual, which threw me for a loop but then because I thought it’d be jerky not to kiss her just because of that and because it’d put a stop a place and I did still want to lock lips with her, we made out at Halloween. It was nice...


So, would you do her? Does she have an innie yet or still an outie? Hope your butt is ready for it if she's an outie


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## lace5262 (Oct 13, 2010)

Windwalker said:


> To be quite honest, the whole thing sounds like an elaborate farce to get a rise out of someone.


His 'OW' posted this same story on LoveShack from 'her' pov.


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## Coach23 (Mar 16, 2018)

You keep saying that this or that is immaterial and irrelevant. If its so immaterial and irrelevant then just tell your wife about all your "transgressions" both with this person and what you have done "miles" from home. Shouldn't be an issue...right? If you can't tell her EVERYTHING you have done, then it must NOT be immaterial and irrelevant. If you still don't get it after everyone here has explained it to you then your just a waste of everyones time here. There are those that come here for actual advice from people who are or have been in similar situations and need honest support.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

lace5262 said:


> His 'OW' posted this same story on LoveShack from 'her' pov.


That's interesting. So he really in that obtuse.


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## hardwired (Apr 6, 2018)

Rafi478 said:


> Didn’t mean to be obtuse, it’s just I never wanted this to be such a huge deal. Everything’s fine with my wife, I love her. I just happened to hit it off with this girl and I had hoped it would be reasonable to put a brake on the romantic stuff (which finding out her being trans did) and continue a close connection that I think is neat that I’ve told her so much about my life more than all the people who met me combined. I had hoped it would be harmless. And then she would even meet my wife in some capacity after we worked together and made some money and things work themselves out reasonably with good friendship. Is it bad to want that?


"Didn’t mean to be obtuse"...followed by an obtuse post. Smh.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Windwalker said:


> That's interesting. So he really in that obtuse.


Nah, that's not what it means.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Rafi478 said:


> But that’s the thing, I did tell my wife that I met this girl at the restaurant, we had some deep conversations, and that she would be onboard my investment endeavors with hopes to make money for her surgery. My wife knows these things so I’m not lying about them. I did discuss it with her. I just don’t want to hurt her by telling her about something that’s immaterial and irrelevant at this point.


To make it a level playing field also tell your wife she can have special male friends. As long as she only flirts and perhaps kisses one, it should be ok, you will be both in the same position. Fair right?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Rafi478 said:


> *I love my wife and would never do anything to hurt her.* And that is why I have told this girl that I can’t pursue anything romantically, it would be entering into ongoing deceit. And we have a friendship,* it was just one kiss. It shouldn’t be a big deal.*


Personally, I don't know if I am more offended by this or by the opening line about hit & runs, but far away from home.

Let's be blunt, when you say ".....would never do anything to hurt her......" you really don't mean that, as you have and do things that would probably hurt her extremely hard.

One of the things I have observed in my 69 years is that people often place themselves on a slippery slope as a way of testing themselves. It starts with "innocent" flirting, then the flirt become a little less innocent, then touching, kissing and making out, then maybe meeting someplace like a hotel restaurant.....and then well one thing lead to another. The divorced people I know have all sounded pretty much like you. They all just tried to push things a little further take one more exciting step in the direction of cheating, always saying they loved their spouse and that they would never hurt them, until they got so use to cheating that they were caught. You are on a very predictable path.

Assuming all you have done is kiss another woman (or transexual), knock it off if you really love your wife. I would suggest that you immediately tell your flirt partner (or more) that the relationship has ended as you have had a religious moment and need to focus on your wife, the woman you married. I would then advise you to pray for forgiveness. Next you need to really work on your own morality. 

Good luck.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

This is too much....


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

smi11ie said:


> It sounds like you have done quite a lot of stuff that would hurt your wife. You have just never been caught.


Yet.


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## Rafi478 (Apr 22, 2018)

Young at Heart said:


> Assuming all you have done is kiss another woman (or transexual), knock it off if you really love your wife. I would suggest that you immediately tell your flirt partner (or more) that the relationship has ended as you have had a religious moment and need to focus on your wife, the woman you married.


I already went through this at Thanksgiving when my wife almost saw the explicit text my friend sent. I told her we couldn’t pursue it romantically and that wouldn’t be right. We could be just friends and that way I’d be faithful to my wife rather than having something on the side with someone who my wife knows about that I’m working with. 

I am focused on my wife, hence why I’m just friends with the other girl. If more drama comes, then I’ll be at the end of my rope because all the drama is draining. It could be so easy, we’re just friends and then I have my wife that I love. Don’t see the problem with that.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Rafi478 said:


> It’s only ‘murky’ because I’ve been clear about my connection with her being only a friendship. We aren’t pursuing it romantically, why can’t she get that. I have no problem talking to her or caring a great deal for her or bending over backward for her more than anyone else. Yet she still wants to kiss me, she’s still causing drama and it gets back to the crap I thought we had put to bed months ago. It could be so easy, we just be friends, I help her make money and then all will be well. I wouldn’t want to risk our endeavors nor would I want to enter into ongoing deceit, especially with someone who works close by my house and someone my wife knows about. How can we fix this?


You cannot control her thoughts and feelings. She is tell you what she thinks and feels. She has feelings for you and your are keeping them going with this silly 'friendship' idea of yours. It's going to blow up in your face. This girl friend of yours is going to tell your wife everything. Your wife is going to dump you as she should.

Why is her 'friendship' so important to you? The time you spend with this person is time you should be spending with your wife.


You are what is called a serial cheater. 

How do you fix it? You end the relationship with your girlfriend. You tell your wife everything, to include all the other times you have cheated and this relationship. Then, once your wife knows who she is really married to, you let your wife decide if she wants to stay married to a serial cheater who lies to her.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Rafi478 said:


> Telling her something small like this wouldn’t do anything but hurt her - why would I want to hurt my wife on purpose? The negative part (which was minuscule) is over- just friendship. I told my wife this girl is my friend and that I’m helping her. Why tell her more after the fact when it’s dead already?


If it would hurt your wife, it's not "minuscule".

Your wife is going to find out.


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## Rafi478 (Apr 22, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> Why is her 'friendship' so important to you? The time you spend with this person is time you should be spending with your wife.


Because I do care very much for this girl. I’ve been clear about caring about her a great deal from the jump. I have a friendship with this girl.

That’s very different from being in love. I’m in love with my wife and have been for over ten years. Some things happen occasionally but I’ve never intentionally come close to having a full blown relationship on the side.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

Rafi478 said:


> Because I do care very much for this girl. I’ve been clear about caring about her a great deal from the jump. I have a friendship with this girl.
> 
> That’s very different from being in love. I’m in love with my wife and have been for over ten years. Some things happen occasionally but I’ve never intentionally come close to having a full blown relationship on the side.


What in the actual ****?

Point blank question.

Have you had sexual relations OF ANY KIND, during the time you have been married? Yeah, that's what I thought. Your description of a hit-n-run is a one night stand from the sounds of it.

How is that not a betrayal?


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## Rafi478 (Apr 22, 2018)

Windwalker said:


> What in the actual ****?
> 
> Point blank question.
> 
> ...


As in some people have relationships on the side where they have sex with another person, tell that same person they’re in love with them, that kind of long term full on affair. A real girlfriend on the side.

I’ve never done that. I have had a few out of town dalliances that never escalated anywhere other than a one night stand and then this friend, she’s just a friend I kissed once mainly because I thought it would be jerky not to since she had told me about not feeling attractive and if she hadn’t been trans, I would want to lock lips with her and she still is the good looking person I’m friends with and close to. Then I figured we could work together, continue our friendship platonically, and I could help her out at a time when most twenty somethings are struggling. None of that adds up to a relationship where people go out on dates and have sex, etc.

What I don’t understand is why she can’t understand that I’m just her friend. Where would one see romantic intention in that, like I’m leading her on or something. Being a friend does not mean being a lover or boyfriend.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

Rafi478 said:


> I have had a few out of town dalliances that never escalated anywhere other than a one night stand and then this friend,


I was pretty sure that's what a hit-n-run was.

Have you disclosed these one night stands with your wife?
Why not?

We both know why, but I'm dying to hear your hamster wheel spin.


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## Rafi478 (Apr 22, 2018)

Windwalker said:


> I was pretty sure that's what a hit-n-run was.
> 
> Have you disclosed these one night stands with your wife?
> Why not?
> ...


No, that would hurt her if she knew that. Those situations are dead anyway. What’s the use of bringing up old crap. It’s my cross to bear, she’s not hurt by what I’ve done. Which I admit is really bad, hence why I wouldn’t want to tell her and hurt her feelings.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

Rafi478 said:


> she’s not hurt by what I’ve done. .


Dude, you are a cheater. What's worse is that you come up with BS justifications. You are unremorseful. You're a liar by omission at the very least and probably have lied about a lot of things to her. You have no integrity nor honor.

In short, you suck as a husband. If your character flaws are this glaring to us, then your issues probably run much deeper. 
I'm out.
Go have fun with your tranny.


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## Rafi478 (Apr 22, 2018)

Windwalker said:


> Go have fun with your tranny.


Do you have to use a slur to refer to her? Yes she’s a transsexual and that’s okay. No need to disparage her.

I’m not telling my wife because it’s not worth telling her if I have no plans to cheat moving forward. My wife knows about my friend. It’s up to my discretion to tell her about something inconsequential or not. Being discreet is a thing, no? That out of town dalliance, she understood what it was so it’s water under the bridge. One kiss, water under the bridge if everything with the friend can be put to bed. Does that make sense?


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

Rafi478 said:


> Do you have to use a slur to refer to her? Yes she’s a transsexual and that’s okay. No need to disparage her.
> 
> I’m not telling my wife because it’s not worth telling her if I have no plans to cheat moving forward. My wife knows about my friend. It’s up to my discretion to tell her about something inconsequential or not. Being discreet is a thing, no? That out of town dalliance, she understood what it was so it’s water under the bridge. One kiss, water under the bridge if everything with the friend can be put to bed. Does that make sense?



Last I checked, tranny is the short from of transsexual. If I had been trying to be insulting, I would have been. I can think of a half dozen slurs I have heard over the years that have been used, but that is not one of them. 

You however, are still an unremorseful cheater. 
Now I'm out.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Rafi478 said:


> Windwalker said:
> 
> 
> > Go have fun with your tranny.
> ...


Rafi you clearly have some kind of mental issues if you don’t see why the people here keep pointing out that your one night stands were despicable and your wife HAS been harmed whether she knows about them or not. Your thing with the waitress is all you are focusing on in your thread and you keep trying to say the one night stands aren’t relevant.

Would your wife consider the ONS’s relevant information she should have in understanding that she’s been lied to and cheated on in her marriage multiple times? Yes, duh, it is relevant. 

Whatever is wrong in your head is likely not fixable. I suspect you are a narcissist or at a minimum you do not have normal empathy stemming from some disorder.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Rafi478 said:


> Didn’t mean to be obtuse, it’s just I never wanted this to be such a huge deal. Everything’s fine with my wife, I love her. I just happened to hit it off with this girl and I had hoped it would be reasonable to put a brake on the romantic stuff (which finding out her being trans did) and continue a close connection that I think is neat that I’ve told her so much about my life more than all the people who met me combined.


Did you tell your friend about all the other times you cheated on your wife? Is that part of what you shared with her when you told her all those things you never told anyone else?



Rafi478 said:


> I had hoped it would be harmless. And then she would even meet my wife in some capacity after we worked together and made some money and things work themselves out reasonably with good friendship. Is it bad to want that?


Yes that would be bad. It would be a horribly disrespectful thing to do to your wife.


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## Rafi478 (Apr 22, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> Did you tell your friend about all the other times you cheated on your wife? Is that part of what you shared with her when you told her all those things you never told anyone else?
> 
> 
> 
> Yes that would be bad. It would be a horribly disrespectful thing to do to your wife.


Not in great detail, but I did tell this girl since she had asked if I ever stepped out on my marriage. Mainly to illustrate that I wasn’t looking for a huge, bad affair or how that’s not my comfort zone. 

I do really care about this girl and as long as things are cool, want to continue being friends and close. It’s pretty neat to be connected to someone or have someone to talk to and be friends with and help them in their journey and honor who they are.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Rafi478 said:


> Not in great detail, but I did tell this girl since she had asked if I ever stepped out on my marriage. Mainly to illustrate that I wasn’t looking for a huge, bad affair or how that’s not my comfort zone.


When this girl tells your wife about your emotional affair (with some physical) she will also tell your wife about your other affairs/one-night-stands. How old is this person?



Rafi478 said:


> I do really care about this girl and as long as things are cool, want to continue being friends and close. It’s pretty neat to be connected to someone or have someone to talk to and be friends with and help them in their journey and honor who they are.


Wow, that's pathetic to put is mildly. Your poor wife. The person you are supposed to be connecting to is your wife.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Rafi478 said:


> I already went through this at Thanksgiving when my wife almost saw the explicit text my friend sent. I told her we couldn’t pursue it romantically and that wouldn’t be right. We could be just friends and that way I’d be faithful to my wife rather than having something on the side with someone who my wife knows about that I’m working with.
> 
> I am focused on my wife, hence why I’m just friends with the other girl. If more drama comes, then I’ll be at the end of my rope because all the drama is draining. It could be so easy, we’re just friends and then I have my wife that I love. Don’t see the problem with that.


Rafi, my heart bleeds not! You are just the same as every other typical cheater, there is nothing unique about you or your situation. You are cake eating big time. If there is nothing going on then I dare you to share these postings with your wife. You can’t can you? I guessed it, you are emotionally cheating and have crossed a line, you can call it whatever you want, rationalise it whichever way, it’s still cheating. Set your wife free, let her be loved by a man who doesn’t think with his little head and act so bloody entitled. There is no advice here that you will listen to, you are here looking for justifications. In truth I hope your wife finds the truth and sets herself free.........of you, problem solved!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Rafi478 said:


> As in some people have relationships on the side where they have sex with another person, tell that same person they’re in love with them, that kind of long term full on affair. A real girlfriend on the side.
> 
> I’ve never done that. I have had a few out of town dalliances that never escalated anywhere other than a one night stand and then this friend, she’s just a friend I kissed once mainly because I thought it would be jerky not to since she had told me about not feeling attractive and if she hadn’t been trans, I would want to lock lips with her and she still is the good looking person I’m friends with and close to. Then I figured we could work together, continue our friendship platonically, and I could help her out at a time when most twenty somethings are struggling. None of that adds up to a relationship where people go out on dates and have sex, etc.
> 
> What I don’t understand is why she can’t understand that I’m just her friend. Where would one see romantic intention in that, like I’m leading her on or something. Being a friend does not mean being a lover or boyfriend.


Would it be ok if your wife did all of what is included in this posting? Would it sit well with you? Would you have. A problem with your wife having dalliances, locking lips with some handsome younger man? Get my point? You are actually a nasty piece of work, masquerading as someone half decent.🤮


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

bankshot1993 said:


> Personally I think this whole thread is nothing more than to get a rise out of us, nobody is really this obtuse.



You'd think that. But, honestly, this guy sounds just like my serial cheating ex-husband. He's still angry with me for finding out about his cheating. If I hadn't, then I wouldn't have been hurt by it, and I wouldn't have selfishly chosen to blow up our happy family over it. All that hurt and everything that came after, was all my fault. I should never have found out. There is literally zero recognition that the real problem was that there was something for me to find out about and be hurt by. 

The way the minds of some folks work is really trippy.


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## Coach23 (Mar 16, 2018)

This guy can't possibly be this shallow, can he? I think he understands, but simply doesn't want give anything up because he has yet to pay a price. One day karma will get him. His wife will either find out and dump his cheating A$$ or she will have her own "dalliance's" he doesn't know about. Hope she enjoys herself. Rafi478, I see no hope for you at this point. Your more interested in keeping the transexual in your life then caring and doing right by your wife and your relationship. She should be the one you "honor", your confidant and best friend. I'm done with this dumba$$


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Rowan said:


> bankshot1993 said:
> 
> 
> > Personally I think this whole thread is nothing more than to get a rise out of us, nobody is really this obtuse.
> ...


Rowan was your ex a narcissist? That’s what I’m sensing on this one.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Where to start?



Rafi478 said:


> I already went through this at Thanksgiving when my wife almost saw the explicit text my friend sent. *I told her we couldn’t pursue it romantically and that wouldn’t be right. We could be just friends and that way I’d be faithful to my wife rather than having something on the side with someone who my wife knows about that I’m working with.
> *
> I am focused on my wife, *hence why I’m just friends with the other girl.* If more drama comes, then I’ll be at the end of my rope because all the drama is draining. *It could be so easy, we’re just friends and then I have my wife that I love. Don’t see the problem with that.*


I see a problem. Whether you know it or not, this is not a platonic relationship, you are having an EA, you are getting emotional fulfillment from a woman other than your wife. Thank about that. That is what your "friend" is picking up on an why you are having a hard time on getting her to not want to go on dates with you.



Rafi478 said:


> *Because I do care very much for this girl.* I’ve been clear about caring about her a great deal from the jump. I have a friendship with this girl.
> 
> That’s very different from being in love. I’m in love with my wife and have been for over ten years. *Some things happen occasionally but I’ve never intentionally come close to having a full blown relationship on the side.*


First it is more than friendship, it is an EA, maybe not a PA at this point, but an EA none-the-less. As to things happening "occasionally, come on now........ In 46+ years of marriage my penis has never fallen in another woman's vagina outside of my wife's. Marriage is suppose to be about commitment. Commitment is long term and not suppose to end when your wife is 50 miles away.



Rafi478 said:


> As in some people have relationships on the side where they have sex with another person, tell that same person they’re in love with them, that kind of long term full on affair. A real girlfriend on the side.
> 
> I’ve never done that. *I have had a few out of town dalliances that never escalated anywhere other than a one night stand and then this friend, she’s just a friend* I kissed once mainly because I thought it would be jerky not to since she had told me about not feeling attractive and if she hadn’t been trans, I would want to lock lips with her and she still is the good looking person I’m friends with and close to. Then I figured we could work together, *continue our friendship platonically, and I could help her out at a time when most twenty somethings are struggling. None of that adds up to a relationship where people go out on dates and have sex, etc.*
> 
> What I don’t understand is *why she can’t understand that I’m just her friend.* Where would one see romantic intention in that, like I’m leading her on or something. *Being a friend does not mean being a lover or boyfriend.*


"Out of town dalliances" never escalating to anything other than a one night stand does not make sense when you say that you love your wife and would never do anything to hurt her. Do you understand that the dalliances are not an expression of love of your wife, they were PA's. Do you understand that your friendship with this younger person is an EA just as much as your dalliances were PA's?



Rafi478 said:


> No, that would hurt her if she knew that. Those situations are dead anyway. What’s the use of bringing up old crap. *It’s my cross to bear, she’s not hurt by what I’ve done.* *Which I admit is really bad,* hence why I wouldn’t want to tell her and hurt her feelings.


Finally, you may have an understanding of what you have done could destroy your marriage and should stop.

Now the question is ....... can you change yourself sufficiently to stop doing things that are harmful to your marriage? That is the real question.



Rafi478 said:


> Do you have to use a slur to refer to her? Yes she’s a transsexual and that’s okay. No need to disparage her.
> 
> *I’m not telling my wife because it’s not worth telling her if I have no plans to cheat moving forward.* My wife knows about my friend. It’s up to my discretion to tell her about something inconsequential or not. *Being discreet is a thing, no? That out of town dalliance, she understood what it was so it’s water under the bridge. One kiss, water under the bridge* if everything with the friend can be put to bed. *Does that make sense?*


Does it make sense? Not to me. I think that pretty soon your marriage is going to be "under the bridge."

But that is your choice. We are all human and all have our weakness and failings. We are allowed to repent and seek forgiveness for our sins. I strongly suggest that you tell your young friend that it is not fair to your wife for you to spend more time with her and end what appears to me to be an EA. I suggest that you figure out how you can keep it in your pants so that you have not further one night stands.

Finding a woman for a one night stand and then not turning it into something more is not virtuous, it is cheating on your wife and potentially destroying your marriage.

I really do wish you luck. You have opened up to express your ideas. That took courage, especially on this forum, where marriage is valued. Now think about what the vast majority of people have told you. Do some introspection. Maybe even get some individual counseling, so that you can change your attitude toward your marriage and toward women (even transexuals). 

Good luck.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Rafi478 said:


> OK, come on. She’s my friend, we’re not in a romantic relationship at all. Plus, no need to bring up that she hasn’t had surgery. I don’t see anything wrong with wanting to help her out in a way that’s not insignificant- I’ve helped many of my friends over the years, I like to look out for people and help out if I can. That seems like me being a great friend. Don’t understand how someone would see me helping her with her journey differently.


You are delusional. Instead of sharing with anonymous strangers on this forum, I suggest you discuss all of this with your wife. If as you say there is no romantic relationship, no serious issue, nothing wrong with wanting to help her, that you are just a great friend. Why don't you run all of this by your wife if it is all so innocent. You can't can you? Do you know why? Ask yourself these questions and be honest.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

I feel sick. Just wow.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Why are you posting on a Coping with Infidelity forum? According to you, there is no infidelity, and you are only coping with a person who wants to take you up on your flirtations.

You clearly see nothing wrong with your predicament, other than this person you've charmed won't get off your back and just be your friend. You made this bed. What the hell do you want from us?

This is what you get when you act like a slime-ball. Live with it.


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