# Resolved/delete



## no name (Aug 4, 2016)

Hi, I'm on a positive road now. Thanks for everyone's input. The Thread is not needed any further and thus ended.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

*Re: Hubby won't initiate*

Does he have a porn habit?


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## no name (Aug 4, 2016)

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## no name (Aug 4, 2016)

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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

*Hubby won't initiate*

How old is he and has his testosterone levels been checked ?

Is he on any meds?

How is his weight?


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## no name (Aug 4, 2016)

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## no name (Aug 4, 2016)

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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

*Re: Hubby won't initiate*

Could you describe what getting the timing right looks like? That might show you patterns that, once identified, you can use to your advantage. What, for example, tends to get him in the mood?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Legend (Jun 25, 2013)

*Re: Hubby won't initiate*

Any person would want to feel desired and pursued by their spouse. You must be married to one of those rare men for whom sex is not important. You're going to have to tell him how much this kind of rejection hurts you and can build resentment. Some time ago, I decided to make an agreement with my wife. We would be radically honest with each other about all things at all times, period. Also, neither one of us will never be allowed to masturbate without the other's consent, first, each time. We also try to go out on a date once per week. This has moved the needle of our marriage from good to great. Our sex life has been frequent and fantastic since this agreement.


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## no name (Aug 4, 2016)

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## no name (Aug 4, 2016)

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## Seppuku (Sep 22, 2010)

*Re: Hubby won't initiate*

You have to ask yourself if you're willing to accept this for the rest of your life. Trust me, unless he is willing to change, it will only get worse. The good news is you don't have kids, so you can address it or leave, even though you say you don't want to.

Sent from my LG-H810 using Tapatalk


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

*Re: Hubby won't initiate*



no name said:


> 34. Healthy . No meds. There is no real excuse here.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk



When was his last physical? I am certain you dont know his testosterone level which could cause this. 

Any childhood issues? Abuse? Strict religion.


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## no name (Aug 4, 2016)

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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

*Re: Hubby won't initiate*



Seppuku said:


> You have to ask yourself if you're willing to accept this for the rest of your life. Trust me, unless he is willing to change, it will only get worse. The good news is you don't have kids, so you can address it or leave, even though you say you don't want to.
> 
> Sent from my LG-H810 using Tapatalk




"It will only get worse."

The most truthful statement said in TAM. And the most accurate.


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## no name (Aug 4, 2016)

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## no name (Aug 4, 2016)

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## no name (Aug 4, 2016)

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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

*Hubby won't initiate*

No, you wont see the symptoms. Actually, we are seeing at least one. 

What herbals? Some are dangerous. They are drugs just like what you get from pharmacy but without FDA testing. I am in the pharma field. 

So he thinks he has a hormone issue? Symptom #2.

What is your weight?


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## no name (Aug 4, 2016)

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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

*Re: Hubby won't initiate*

How much time does he spend on gaming, Xbox, etc?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

*Re: Hubby won't initiate*

"Plus he takes herbal medicines and nutrients to help with mens reproduction and hormones."

Why? It's not like he's interested in reproducing. If he doesn't lack desire, why isn't he initiating or at least complaining about the infrequency? Your statements and his actions are at odds.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

*Re: Hubby won't initiate*

I'm not concerned that he doesn't initiate, but it sounds like he also regularly turns you down. It sounds like this has been going on for a long time. Sadly it sounds like classic Low Desire - very difficult to fix. 

I won't suggest you leave, but don't get your hopes up too much that it will get better, it often doesn't. If it doesn't get better, you need to convince yourself that for him sex does not equal love. That he can love you but just not want sex with you, or with anyone. 

Living with no or minimal sex is miserable (as I know from experience), but it gets much better when you can convince yourself that it does not mean that you are living without being loved.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

*Re: Hubby won't initiate*



farsidejunky said:


> How much time does he spend on gaming, Xbox, etc?


I just don't get the whole grown men with Xbox thing when they have a wife begging for sex.

Is this an addiction? That I can understand. 

Is this the type of gaming in which you talk or chat with other gamers online? That would be of concern here.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

*Re: Hubby won't initiate*



no name said:


> I'm a qualified practitioner too in several fields including RN, naturopathy and nutrition. So I know what he's taking. He doesn't lack desire, he is very affectionate . But will get on to checking his levels in case. No he doesn't think he has a hormone issue. My weight is irrelevant , I look after myself eat well and exercise, healthy .


You asked for advice so most of us are giving advice based on our personal experiences. I asked about the weight because to many men it is NOT irrelevant if you are overweight or more. For many men it WILL affect the sex life, desire and rate of initiation.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

*Re: Hubby won't initiate*

This is a book one of our moderators, @EleGirl, has mentioned on this subject. Maybe it could help.

https://www.amazon.com/Hes-Just-Not-Up-Anymore-ebook/dp/B001140WHU
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

*Re: Hubby won't initiate*

you are talking about MONTHS in between sex? omg. 

How about some simple things to try, paste a calendar to the fridge, and put X's on it for the nights you want to have sex. Make sure he sees it. That way, days in advance, he will see the X for Thursday night, and subconsciously start preparing for it.

get him some new clothes. Sexy modern looking clothes. and compliment him when he wears them.

Similarly, buy him some fragrance to wear, and compliment him on when he is wearing some. The idea here being he might like the compliments, it might build up his ego/overcome shyness, and sets him up for other more risqué things to try.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

*Re: Hubby won't initiate*

It sounds like what you are going through is more of a male stereotype with a wife who never wants sex. That is what we generally hear regarding a sexual mismatch in marriage. 

My drive is also higher than my DH. We have been able to work out a compromise with sex and he has stuck to it. We've been married 20 years. 

I've experienced what you are talking about with timing, all the stars must align. This is stereotypically how women are towards sex. Can't be too tired, have to get up too early, frustrated, not frustrated, kids must be accounted for, everything must be in perfect order. 

This cracks and crumbles anyone from the inside. Basically what is being said is that 20 minutes of sleep is more important than being with you. Then one person on the planet you can experience sexuality with finds video games more important, entertaining stimulating than you. That's a hurtful message to man or woman. Whomever is the one being left out.

It can't be fixed. The best a couple can do in a mismatch is to negotiate a compromise both can live with. I do believe it will catch up with you. I was ready to leave my DH 3 years ago. I thought - I'm 45 and have never felt sexually desired. I am going to go my entire life without knowing what it feels like to be wanted. I am still young enough to get divorced and find someone who desires me. 

In short, because you can live with it right now doesn't mean it won't hit you at some point.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

*Re: Hubby won't initiate*

Now you know what half of all married men over 50 feel like. Everything has to be "just right". That's all BS. Buy a magic wand and start using it regularly. He either gets with the program or you buy stock in Hitachi.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Katgirl19 (Sep 4, 2016)

*Re: Hubby won't initiate*

I hear you I have the same problem. But for me it's been eleven years together. I am too the point of asking for a divorce so I can go find someone who does want and desire me. there are great things about him that I love but he has rejected me and told me I am selfish so much in the past that I am scared to even iniate sex or be intimate with him at all. I am even scared to hug or kiss him because I am afraid that he will think I want sex and yell and scream at me that I am being inconsiderate of him. I am at a complete loss of what to do and where to turn. The only time he tries to be intimate with me is when we have gone out and he sees someone he would like to be with but knows he could never be with. I am tired of being used to fulfill the object of his desire. I want to be with someone who sees me as more than just a friend.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

*Re: Hubby won't initiate*

Dogs make great companions and they don't yell and scream at you.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

*Re: Hubby won't initiate*



Blondilocks said:


> Dogs make great companions and they don't yell and scream at you.


Mine bites me instead. uppy:


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

*Re: Hubby won't initiate*



blueinbr said:


> Mine bites me instead. uppy:


What can I say? :grin2:


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## no name (Aug 4, 2016)

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## no name (Aug 4, 2016)

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## no name (Aug 4, 2016)

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## Seppuku (Sep 22, 2010)

*Re: Hubby won't initiate*



no name said:


> Well I love him to the ends of the earth , I know he really loves me. I could never think this issue outweighs what we have. So yes I can accept it but I do believe that we can both improve it if we made more effort it's just knowing how.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Right now you could never think it would be a huge issue, even a deal-breaker. Fast forward five or ten years and you may feel differently.

If he doesn't express a willingness to change, it is all but guaranteed that it will be worse than it is now.

Sent from my LG-H810 using Tapatalk


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## no name (Aug 4, 2016)

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## no name (Aug 4, 2016)

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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

*Re: Hubby won't initiate*



no name said:


> Well I have to organise the time . When he is not too tired , so not after exercise or a bad day at work , not when he's playing Xbox . I also factor my self to. So basically any other time. Plus I notice , that if I make more effort like wearing lingerie, music , candles etc
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


He sounds just like my husband! 
Apart from the Xbox (I threw it in the bin, don't do that though!), instead it's sports watching which he gets grumpy over. 
I have to make an effort every time. 
Lingerie always works. 
Maybe he wants you to be more sexually dominant, take the lead & see if anything improves. 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## no name (Aug 4, 2016)

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## no name (Aug 4, 2016)

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## no name (Aug 4, 2016)

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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

*Re: Hubby won't initiate*

To be quite frank, no one on TAM can tell you why your husband does not initiate. Only he can tell you that. You need to have your conversation with him more frequently until he understands that it is a big deal to you. Do you really want to have a child with him only to realize a few years down the road that you can't live like this? Would that be fair to the child? Would that be fair to him?

I'll just spit this out there - is he gay?


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## no name (Aug 4, 2016)

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## no name (Aug 4, 2016)

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## no name (Aug 4, 2016)

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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

*Re: Hubby won't initiate*



no name said:


> No he isn't gay. He finds me attractive. Yes I know only he can tell me but I'd like advice before I have the chat with him . Yes I plan to spend all my life with him regardless.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Most of us plan to spend our lives with them, until we divorce. 

Sent from my SM-T310 using Tapatalk


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

*Re: Hubby won't initiate*



no name said:


> I think there is a willingness, is just we both don't how to do that. When i brought this up on 3 seperate occasions in the past he was on board with making changes , starts off with enthusiasm but we slowly get back into the same habit . We just need a solution that works. I will have chat with him about this but this time I want to have other solutions.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


When you have brought up the lack of him initiating as well as the very low frequency of sex, what has been his explanation? It is just so unusual for a guy in his early 30s to only being willing to have sex every 3 months. And notice I said "to be willing to have sex." It sounds like he has no desire at all. Have you asked him how he is going 3 or more months without sex? Is he masturbating? If not, then something is physically (hormones) or physchologically wrong. He really should have his testosterone levels checked. I really feel for you. This will only worsen with age and with children. You love him but you should not sacrifice your well-being for him. You can remain good friends, but not necessarily married. Btw, how old are you?


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

*Re: Hubby won't initiate*

These threads of women wanting more sex with their husbands sound so strange to me. How I wish my wife wanted more sex. Sucks to be unevenly yoked.


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## no name (Aug 4, 2016)

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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Hubby won't initiate*

You do need to have that talk with him. There is some reading that I think will help you figure out what to say and do about this situation.

What you are going through is not unusual at all. Women just usually do not talk about it openly when their husband is withholding sex or had little to no desire for sex.

Here are three very good books on the topic that might help you.

The Sex-Starved Wife: What to Do When He's Lost Desire

He's Just Not Up for It Anymore: Why Men Stop Having Sex, and What You Can Do About It

Intimacy Anorexia: Healing the Hidden Addiction in Your Marriage


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## no name (Aug 4, 2016)

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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Hubby won't initiate*



no name said:


> Ian starting to understand that it real does take two to tango . I just realised that I need to stop blaming him and it's actually both of our faults , we have caused this to each other.


How do you think that you have caused this in each other?


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## no name (Aug 4, 2016)

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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

*Re: Hubby won't initiate*



no name said:


> Yes he masturbates regularly. I'm 34. I'm not open to leaving him, it my view it's not worth it.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Ok, well there is the perfect starting point to your conversation. How often is he masturbating? Why is he masturbating and yet leaving you out in the cold? 

You need to express how sexually frustrated you are, that going more than a week without connecting sexually with him is not good for your marriage (there are studies to show that, so maybe have some research ready to discuss that idea), and that you are not happy that he chooses to masturbate rather than initiating sex with you. You might start with the idea that he not masturbate unless he has come to you first for sex. The least he could do since he has enough of a sex drive to masturbate is to give you first right of refusal.


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## no name (Aug 4, 2016)

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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

*Re: Hubby won't initiate*

I will give you the same advice as I give men in a similar situation:

Tell him you are going to have sex every Friday evening at 11 PM for 30 minutes (or whatever you want).
Since you aren't willing to leave the relationship, you can't do anything if he refuses to cooperate.
But at least you will know how it is going to be, whether he accepts this or rejects it.


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## no name (Aug 4, 2016)

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## no name (Aug 4, 2016)

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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

*Re: Hubby won't initiate*



no name said:


> Yes - it's an option another member suggested too- concentual masterbation. It's s good idea. Yes I agree, I need to express I get frustrated I have difficulty in admitting it to him, I feel like iam ' degrading myself' I need to get over that .
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


How often is he masturbating? Is he using porn? Are you sure he does not have a porn addiction? In the past, how does he explain going months without sex with you? Does he think that is OK in a marriage? Have you ever had a normal frequency of sex with him (at least once per week)? When dating was sex an issue?


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## no name (Aug 4, 2016)

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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

*Re: Hubby won't initiate*

No name asked about our compromise. Once per week, he initiates and makes sure I have an orgasm. 

This was a vast improvement over where we were 3 years ago and something I can live with.


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## Seppuku (Sep 22, 2010)

*Re: Hubby won't initiate*



no name said:


> I think there is a willingness, is just we both don't how to do that. When i brought this up on 3 seperate occasions in the past he was on board with making changes , starts off with enthusiasm but we slowly get back into the same habit . We just need a solution that works. I will have chat with him about this but this time I want to have other solutions.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


At least he is willing to try, so there is some hope. Maybe put a calendar on the fridge and mark the days when you want to possibly get some. I've seen that suggested here, not sure if it was this thread or another.



no name said:


> Lol, I'm sorry 'begging for sex' I won't allow myself. Well he can go without playing, I wouldn't say it's an addiction. We actually both like gaming, he just plays more than I do and yes sometimes I feel playing Xbox is of more important to him than using his time in pursuing me.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I play games sometimes too, but if sex is on the table, games are not.


no name said:


> Yes he masturbates regularly. I'm 34. I'm not open to leaving him, it my view it's not worth it.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk





Abc123wife said:


> Ok, well there is the perfect starting point to your conversation. How often is he masturbating? Why is he masturbating and yet leaving you out in the cold?
> 
> You need to express how sexually frustrated you are, that going more than a week without connecting sexually with him is not good for your marriage (there are studies to show that, so maybe have some research ready to discuss that idea), and that you are not happy that he chooses to masturbate rather than initiating sex with you. You might start with the idea that he not masturbate unless he has come to you first for sex. The least he could do since he has enough of a sex drive to masturbate is to give you first right of refusal.


I assume you are female? For me (and I assume most men) masturbation and sex are not necessarily interchangeable. Often, masturbation is more about a quick release, maybe to relieve stress or something else.

I personally don't masturbate anymore, but when I did, that was one reason. The other reason was if I wanted sex but for whatever reason sex was off the table (wife not home, not able, or not interested).

However, if he IS masturbating often, that could be the problem. It can sap the desire out of it. Has he ever complained that sex was too much work? It could be that he wants it but doesn't want to go through the motions.

Or he could be gay and hiding it. Check his browsing history and stuff, if you're comfortable doing that.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

*Re: Hubby won't initiate*

Personally I would be upset if my husband was masterbating regularly while denying me sex. That actually blows my mind. He obviously doesn't have low drive if he is masterbating regularly, so why doesn't he want to have sex with you is the question. Because of he did, he would. 
Another thing... After reading your posts it seems like you have a very scheduled out, routine life. You have to schedule sex. He plays video games everyday after work. You are prepping his sperm for conception, and you changed the date when you want to start trying. It all seems so planned out and strange. I mean it's good to be responsible but it's not sexy and fun. Your young, you guys need to be more spontaneous and wild and have a good time. Get off the x-box and take him out, get tipsy and have sex in the car. Do something spontaneous and fun, have sex outside or whatever. Your living like your 60 years old. 
(On another note, it's not ok to play video games everyday. It's actually a sign of depression, a way to escape reality. A way to escape your unhappy mundane life. What is he going to do when he has kids? Come home and play video games instead of being with them? He sounds unhappy to me. Unfilled. You guys need to escape from the boring day to day life.)


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## no name (Aug 4, 2016)

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## no name (Aug 4, 2016)

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## no name (Aug 4, 2016)

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## no name (Aug 4, 2016)

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## NotEasy (Apr 19, 2015)

*Re: Hubby won't initiate*



no name said:


> Well, it's very hard to get him to go the doctors. But I have done it. Testosterone levels have not been checked... But as I'm in the medical field , I don't see any real symptoms to depict a deficiency , but it's an option to check though in case. Plus he takes herbal medicines and nutrients to help with mens reproduction and hormones. No abuse, atheist , no childhood issues. *He had a long term gf from high school that broke his heart at 21, he said he was really bad time for him. *
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I am clutching at straws here, it is so hard to understand. But do you think maybe he stopped initiating after his girlfriend broke up with him? Maybe you are suffering unjustly from his anger or resentment that should be directed at her. Sort of a massive passive agressive "I'll teach women not to treat me bad". Sounds wierd, but I can't see a reason. Have you talked with him about it?


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## no name (Aug 4, 2016)

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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

*Re: Hubby won't initiate*

does he having a gaming addiction? That is spends large amounts of time on xbox, ps3, etc?


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## NotEasy (Apr 19, 2015)

*Re: Hubby won't initiate*

Some more clutching at straws from me. Sorry if this seems too dumb or obvious.

So he can do the deed, nothing medically wrong and he is interested, he touches you, it is just he doesn't initiate. Is he too shy? Or just reluctant to initiate? Someone here started a thread about giving his wife three special coloured panties to use as signals of what type of night she wanted. It allowed the wife to initiate without saying anything. Maybe some sort of signal like that might help him initiate without saying anything. He could place the panties on the bed as a signal, or pick some other signal. I think it is a very poor alternative to asking, but maybe.

Is there any physical act he wants which you rejected? Again maybe this is a passive agressive play from him.

Have you asked him what position or act he would like? Dumb question. I am sure you have. And it sounds like "no dear, I'm tired"

Maybe schedule once a week/month is his choice. You must do anything he wants (except just going to sleep). Next week/month it is your choice. Or write out a script that you two will act out.

I agree with others that masturbation should not happen if your partner wants sex. 
Or maybe joint masturbation? Again a poor substitute, but perhaps a starting point.

As someone said, maybe he wants you to be in charge. He doesn't want to initiate, he wants you to force him, or something. Wild guess here, with no justification, just clutching at straws. This would need to be talked through carefully, verified and understood. I doubt this is the case here though, sounds more like dis-interest.

Sounds like he is gaming too much, but maybe use the gaming, given he is interested in that. 
pick a game you can win, compete with him, either strip poker style loose a round loose an item of clothing; or play 1 round winner picks position in the bedroom.
Or maybe there is some game that involves sex you two can play together. I doubt it, but maybe.


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## NotEasy (Apr 19, 2015)

*Re: Hubby won't initiate*



no name said:


> I have never spoken about my sx life with anyone, but i really need advice. Now b/f I go ahead I really don't want the ' leave him, divorce him' advice , it's not helpful for me. *Married for 3.5 years , together for 7.5 years *. No kids yet. We have a great relationship he is affectionate , supportive, we really love each other. My hubby does not initiate sx , he has been like this since most of the time I have known him. *I have spoken to him about it on 3 separate occasions* thru out our relationship, in time I have learnt to accept him like this , there r worse things. I can see he desires me but he won't initiate it , I know he is capable. He has no medical sexual problems either . I initiate every time. He really makes no effort in initiating or making time for it unless I schedule it in advance. The responsibility is all on me, I have to guess when he is in the mood, consider his schedule with work , exercise etc, what his day was like etc, sometimes I get the timing wrong and sometimes I get the timing right. It frustrates me that it's left all on me guessing. My sx drive has diminished less and less through the years bc of a lot of rejection in the past. so I now tend to start initiating again from 1-2 months after sx . I also tend to only initiate it once in a week per cycle. I get weeks of rejection if I don't get the timing right usually we end up doing it once about every 3 months, I'd prefer it every month but that doesn't happen. When it happens it's really awesome and passionate, I appreciate it a lot. *This time it's been 4 months and counting*, I have tried initiating but poor timing has lead to rejection , this amount of length is actually frustrating me and I find it upsetting that it doesn't bother him, I swear if I don't get the ball rolling we would never have sex , i am really starting to resent him. I have become accustom to 3 months, but 4 is over the limit, Iam going crazy with frustration, he is cool and calm. What's a gal to do?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Why have you only spoken to him about this 3 times given a 3+year sex-less marriage? 3 times should be enough, with most partners. Or do you mean 3 major arguments? 
Anyway, sounds like you two have communication problems. Others here probably can recommend books for that, I'll just suggest Marriage Counsellor or Sex Therapist.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

*Re: Hubby won't initiate*



NotEasy said:


> I am clutching at straws here, it is so hard to understand. But do you think maybe he stopped initiating after his girlfriend broke up with him? Maybe you are suffering unjustly from his anger or resentment that should be directed at her. Sort of a massive passive agressive "I'll teach women not to treat me bad". Sounds wierd, but I can't see a reason. Have you talked with him about it?


I think this is often the case, whether one is a man or a woman. Past negative experiences, or traumas can most definitely cause one to decide they're "not doing _that_ again". It's also often subconscious, too. The only sure-fire way to ensure there isn't a repeat of something is to never put yourself in that position again - particularly when you find someone you don't want to lose.

One's past shapes one's future, there's no doubt about it. Which is why I roll my eyes when that whole "the past is the past" sentence is uttered.

In any case, your husband has a sex drive, but he prefers to take care of it himself. He functions sexually, the parts work, and he apparently loves you and is capable of showing affection in other ways.

So there's clearly some block that's preventing him from having sex regularly, and that's what you need to figure out. It's unlikely he'll ever actually tell you what it is and why, so you have to be patient and figure it out yourself.

My wife has a block when it comes to sexuality and expressing herself to me. It took me years, but I believe I've figured it out. I think she believes her sexuality has always led to negative experiences, whether it's having been cheated on (ie. not good enough), unexpected pregnancy, or feelings of shame as a result of feeling used (casual sex).

Her sexuality dwindled to what it is now right around the time she realized I was in it for the long haul with her - not something she's had experience with. She'd never had a relationship that lasted longer than a few years, and they always ended badly. She's had her heart broken a couple of times, and each time seemed to revolve around sex in some way (cheated on, or accused of cheating by a paranoid man).

In short, her sexuality, I think she feels, is what's gotten her into bad or negative situations. So the best way to avoid those is to not be "like that". Like I said, she was 'normal', sexually, with me up until I started talking about the future, marriage, etc. Basically, when it dawned on her that I actually wanted to be with her long-term. Therefore, that protective instinct kicked in, I think. It may have also been a subconscious 's*** test'. "Let's see if he's serious about _me_, and not just my body." She hadn't had much luck in the the trustworthiness department. People often subconsciously resort to that whole self-fulfilling prophecy thing without even knowing it. "Let's see if he cheats on me" or "Let's see if he accuses me of cheating" - two things that seemed to have been a theme in her prior LTR's.

Perhaps your husband has a similar mindset.


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## no name (Aug 4, 2016)

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## no name (Aug 4, 2016)

*Re: Hubby won't initiate*



NotEasy said:


> Why have you only spoken to him about this 3 times given a 3+year sex-less marriage? 3 times should be enough, with most partners. Or do you mean 3 major arguments?
> Anyway, sounds like you two have communication problems. Others here probably can recommend books for that, I'll just suggest Marriage Counsellor or Sex Therapist.




Yes more like arguments but with outcomes. This time it will be a chat. 


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## no name (Aug 4, 2016)

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## no name (Aug 4, 2016)

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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

*Re: Hubby won't initiate*



no name said:


> , not when he's playing Xbox .


Could be he's getting the same problem they're having in Japan amongst many of the young folk. The world doesn't hold much interest for them and they never really get much emotive connection, where the video/gadget world and it's fictional worlds give them instant gratification and unsocial [emotion] contract.
The hassle of real life relationships hold little promise and are always involving effort - as opposed to the online sensory/endorphin/adrenaline rush. Games, shows and stories are designed to snag and pull peoples' attention into them. Real life doesn't have that same payoff. So much so that in Japan a lot of connected young folk just aren't interested in sex or relationships. And the less interest, the less sexual hormones so the cycle becomes self-reinforcing (positive feedback loop).

So could be you haven't got a porn addict, but just one of the next generation gamer-people, who are pretty much asexual. They make for good friends, and often great listeners too. Some women like them because they're never pushy and can have handy technical gadget/tech-job skills [if they can be convinced to get a job].


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## RideofmyLife (Dec 18, 2015)

*Re: Hubby won't initiate*

Maybe he's lazy and finds sex too much work? If it takes you a while to orgasm, he just might view it as not worth it except when you push him about it? Just a thought. 

For me, it takes a while to 'get there', so if my husband were less motivated, we'd probably almost never have sex.


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## no name (Aug 4, 2016)

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## Seppuku (Sep 22, 2010)

*Re: Hubby won't initiate*

Based on your replies, I think he probably feels like sex with you is too much work when he can just do it for himself in one minute.

Is he similarly selfish in other areas?

Perhaps you might get the answers you seek if you ask him directly, but preface it by asking him to be completely honest and not to worry about your feelings. Honestly it should be easy for him since he doesn't seem to care about your feelings anyway.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

*Re: Hubby won't initiate*

Real Love making sex is always better than and should be than doing it yourself.

and there is nothing wrong with his libido or his plumbing, so there is something else going on here.
he's just not telling you what it is. And so far it's just excuses, not the real answer.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

*Re: Hubby won't initiate*



no name said:


> Thanks! But y do I have to do the scheduling?? It be nice he did it sometimes.. Good advice, thanks!
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


You're the one who wants more sex, so you're the one who has to do the scheduling.

And I would suggest that you make it the same schedule every week, so you only have to set it up once rather than having to discuss it frequently.


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## no name (Aug 4, 2016)

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## no name (Aug 4, 2016)

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## no name (Aug 4, 2016)

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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

*Re: Hubby won't initiate*

Scheduling sex. Hmmm. I've read that on here in other threads, does this really work? I only ask because if the one spouse who feels neglected is scheduling sex with the partner who's not desirous, then will they be reluctant to have sex on a schedule?

It seems like there is something more to this, than mere desire. Or not having enough time, because he finds time to self-pleasure, so...Idk. It could be that he likes to do things on his own, is more of a loner. Even when it comes to sex, could that be possible?


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## no name (Aug 4, 2016)

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## no name (Aug 4, 2016)

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## no name (Aug 4, 2016)

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## no name (Aug 4, 2016)

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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

*Re: Hubby won't initiate*

No, that seems like a good place to start.

Let us know how it goes and we can probably give you some more suggestions.


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## no name (Aug 4, 2016)

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## no name (Aug 4, 2016)

*Re: Hubby won't initiate*

Thanks to everyone for your suggestions , it has been a Hugh help . If you have any more advice let me know. Thank you ! 


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## Seppuku (Sep 22, 2010)

*Re: Hubby won't initiate*



no name said:


> That could be the case. No he isn't selfish in other areas . Yes direct would be best . Hold on there , he does care about my feelings, I just don't think he realises the impact. Thank you for the advice .
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Prove me wrong - tell us how receptive he is to these ideas.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Hubby won't initiate*



no name said:


> Well gathering info thus far, the main points I need to bring up with him : 1) why? From both our sides. 2)masterbation, how often, giving me first preference instead. 3)arrange a signal for sex from each other 4) see if there is a psychological block 5) organise an alternate schedule system if he prefers it, 6) spontaneity , not being so scheduled instead, 7)fun ways to start sex, some sort of game etc.
> is there anything else ?


Have you read any of the books? They will give you far more insight that any thread on TAM.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Hubby won't initiate*



spotthedeaddog said:


> Could be he's getting the same problem they're having in Japan amongst many of the young folk. The world doesn't hold much interest for them and they never really get much emotive connection, where the video/gadget world and it's fictional worlds give them instant gratification and unsocial [emotion] contract.
> *
> The hassle of real life relationships hold little promise and are always involving effort - as opposed to the online sensory/endorphin/adrenaline rush. * Games, shows and stories are designed to snag and pull peoples' attention into them. Real life doesn't have that same payoff. So much so that in Japan a lot of connected young folk just aren't interested in sex or relationships. And the less interest, the less sexual hormones so the cycle becomes self-reinforcing (positive feedback loop).
> 
> So could be you haven't got a porn addict, but just one of the next generation gamer-people, who are pretty much asexual. They make for good friends, and often great listeners too. Some women like them because they're never pushy and can have handy technical gadget/tech-job skills [if they can be convinced to get a job].


This is a well known cause of some men not wanting sex with their SO. Video and online games cause the brain to produce and uptake a lot of the feel good chemicals that one gets out of having sex. I was married to a guy who lost interests in sex for this very reason. 

Is he AD/HD?


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## no name (Aug 4, 2016)

*Re: Hubby won't initiate*



EleGirl said:


> This is a well known cause of some men not wanting sex with their SO. Video and online games cause the brain to produce and uptake a lot of the feel good chemicals that one gets out of having sex. I was married to a guy who lost interests in sex for this very reason.
> 
> 
> 
> Is he AD/HD?




Interesting . No he isn't. 


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## no name (Aug 4, 2016)

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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Hubby won't initiate*



no name said:


> Yes I had a look at them briefly.


I really hope you do read them before you talk to him. It's very likely that he is not going to tell you the truth on a lot of those questions. He probably has no idea why he does not want sex with you. All he probably knows is that he does what he does.

My hope is that the books will give some insight to help you move the conversation with him in a direction where he can come to realize why he is doing what he is doing.

For example is you look at the book about when he's not up to it... it gives the reasons that about 4,500 men who don't want sex with their wife have given. Talks about what the guys have said. You might recognize your husband and your relationship in some of the answers.

You might have one chance at a discussion to open up communication on this topic. NO do-overs. So having a solid map in mind makes sense.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

*Re: Hubby won't initiate*



*Deidre* said:


> Scheduling sex. Hmmm. I've read that on here in other threads, does this really work? I only ask because if the one spouse who feels neglected is scheduling sex with the partner who's not desirous, then will they be reluctant to have sex on a schedule?
> 
> It seems like there is something more to this, than mere desire. Or not having enough time, because he finds time to self-pleasure, so...Idk. It could be that he likes to do things on his own, is more of a loner. Even when it comes to sex, could that be possible?


I have never found it to work long term. One partner always gets anxious because "they're expected to perform" at the deadline. Which tends to be a mood killer. It is no longer the "slip away for our scheduled rendezvous" that we're both looking forward to.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Re: Hubby won't initiate*

*Speaking with my moderation hat on, posts that do not comply with these guidelines *http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...es-coping-infidelity-section-please-read.html *run a very real risk of being deleted.

Other appropriate measures may be considered and taken where thought necessary or proportionate.*


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

*Re: Hubby won't initiate*



no name said:


> Yeah we need to find solutions that will fit with our personalities. Tam has given me many.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Do you realise you give very abrupt replies, and seldom engage in discussion. Is this something that you tend to do off-line as well?


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## no name (Aug 4, 2016)

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## no name (Aug 4, 2016)

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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

*Re: Hubby won't initiate*



spotthedeaddog said:


> Do you realise you give very abrupt replies, and seldom engage in discussion. Is this something that you tend to do off-line as well?


I don't think spottthedeaddog was trying to be stand offish or start drama, I think it was more to see if this is the way you talk or interact with your husband. You give aloof responses that give the impression that you are are listening but not really hearing nor do you really care about the other persons opinions. If this is the way you interact with your hubby I'm sure he may feel like you don't really care what he is saying or telling you his feelings will not make a difference as you won't take it to heart. He may have a problem that causes him not to initiate but he feels he can not talk to you about it. 

Just my opinion, and I have some knowledge in this areas because I use to be like that. My husband was sacred to tell me anything for fear of my anger or that I would not take him seriously or I would ridicule him. Caused tons of problem in my marriage before I started working on myself and reading books on how to talk to men and interact with them so we both felt heard and validated.

If you have a problem in your marriage you should look at yourself first with a microscope to see if there is anything that you may be doing to cause it. Every book I have read on marriage never tells you how to change your spouse they tell you how to change yourself so your spouse will react differently to you.

This is of course, just my opinion. I have been known to be wrong :grin2:


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

*Re: Hubby won't initiate*

re @spotthedeaddog 's question. This hit me as well. I tend to be coldly analytical about emotional problems, which is never helpful in connecting with Mrs. Nail. If I came to her with a list of 8 thing's to try, she would say "no, you just love me and stop trying to fix everything". Now I do have to add the disclaimer that her way didn't work either.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

*Re: Hubby won't initiate*



spotthedeaddog said:


> I have never found it to work long term. One partner always gets anxious because "they're expected to perform" at the deadline. Which tends to be a mood killer. It is no longer the "slip away for our scheduled rendezvous" that we're both looking forward to.


if you are basically having NO SEX at all...what do you have to lose in trying it???


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Hubby won't initiate*



no name said:


> Sorry matt, please clarify ' coping with infidelity guidelines' as this is the ' sex in marriage' section. Are we doing something wrong?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I believe that he was talking about a post that he deleted by a user named highvaluegal


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

*Re: Hubby won't initiate*



*Deidre* said:


> Scheduling sex. Hmmm. I've read that on here in other threads, does this really work? I only ask because if the one spouse who feels neglected is scheduling sex with the partner who's not desirous, then will they be reluctant to have sex on a schedule?
> 
> It seems like there is something more to this, than mere desire. Or not having enough time, because he finds time to self-pleasure, so...Idk. It could be that he likes to do things on his own, is more of a loner. Even when it comes to sex, could that be possible?


i think the theory goes something like this. you have a spouse that has low libido. they see the date coming up. they start to think about sex...something they NEVER do by themselves. So...at least they ARE thinking about it, and remember that they did agree to do this.


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## no name (Aug 4, 2016)

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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

*Re: Hubby won't initiate*

Sorry @no name . I can be critical and judgmental but I don't feel like I was being that way in that post, but then again I think my whole point was sometimes we don't realize how we come across to other people. I am not trying to attack you personally just trying to give you suggestion on reasons why these things have happened in our life. We all have had to deal with the problems that are posted here at one point in our life's and what caused them for each of us was different and sometimes it is not obvious to see the things that you are doing to cause the problem. Sometimes it takes outside perspective. I wish you all the best with your husband.


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## no name (Aug 4, 2016)

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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Re: Hubby won't initiate*



no name said:


> Sorry matt, please clarify ' coping with infidelity guidelines' as this is the ' sex in marriage' section. Are we doing something wrong?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Someone wasn't. And they did something wrong.

Rather than shame them by calling them out, I put a link to the guidelines.


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## no name (Aug 4, 2016)

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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

*Re: Hubby won't initiate*



no name said:


> Just to clarify, I'm not literally giving my hubby the list of things to try! Lol! They are suggestive cue points I can use to help the conversation for my own purposes. Im not going to read notes when i do this. Lol!
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Whew, I'm glad you are smarter than me.


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## no name (Aug 4, 2016)

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## thenub (Oct 3, 2014)

*Re: Hubby won't initiate*

Here's some more reading. 
https://www.amazon.ca/Want-Sex-Wants-Fries-Testosterone/dp/1514125242


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

*Re: Hubby won't initiate*



no name said:


> Hmm That's really Strange feedback and really inappropriate thus has nothing to do with the topic of this thread. Maybe you are trying to get a reaction from me or stir the pot but try the social spot instead. Thank you !
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Actually, I was thinking the same thing reading through this thread. It's not inappropriate at all, it was actually quite insightful. Mr Nail noticed this also.

Your dialog here is quite clipped. It is a valid point that if you try to solve real life problems in the same manner, this might be part of your problem with your H.

It may be crap or there may be something to the point. Perhaps you might reread the posts and have a think before dismissing the comment.


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## no name (Aug 4, 2016)

*Re: Hubby won't initiate*

Stick to the thread issue. 


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## no name (Aug 4, 2016)

Please end this thread. It seems my comprehension is related to my personality, is an actual topic. Thank you all. 


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Closing at the request of the OP.


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