# Fooled again



## Redone (Feb 10, 2013)

I am sitting here in bed just plain upset with myself. I had given my H one last attempt. After catching him again on the internet being inappropriate he started counseling on his own I of course been going on my own for a few years after 7 months that he has been going, here I am feeling disappointed that I have been fooled again. I put spyware on the computer that we have but mainly he uses I had that gut feeling something not right and yes my gut was spot on and once again he is back to his old habits. I am just so done . I am emotionally exhausted . I confronted him and I hear all of these excuses From him that he is not doing anything wrong .He has of course figured out the only way I know is spyware . So this morning he hacked into my laptop did some digging to get into my acct and got the info on the spyware called the company and discontinued the service. He does not know that I know all of this . At this point I just don't care anymore I don't care that he knows I was spying , I don't care what he does or says , I don't want to talk with him . I am done . We separated shortly this past spring and I know that he will not leave this house again. I don't want to see him , or look at him . It's the holidays and all my kids are home from college and it is difficult for me to pretend . I just don't want to do it anymore. So what options do I have if he won't leave the house ? I can't leave bc We have a disabled adult son . We really have not talked since I confronted him last night while he was actively being inappropriate on the internet


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Be strong.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

See an attorney and figure out the next step. 

Lean on your support system. Talk about it with them. Journal. 

It's ok to be done. Just gotta start figuring out what to do to move forward. 

You can do this. Baby steps.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

You can be separated and live in the same house. Just move into another bedroom and don't talk to him - except about things you have to talk about. If he won't leave - live as housemates. File for legal separation or divorce. Separate your finances - and the expenses and each pay your share of the bills. Live you life - let him live his - and both of you share the responsibility and care of your son. 

Not many can live like this civilly because they still have too many emotions involved. But it is an option that you can try, if you feel you can't leave but really are done with the marriage.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

LOL, what an idiot to think that taking the spyware away is going to solve the problem. Dump him just on the grounds of his stupidity. Hopefully you live in stupidity-fault state.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

mary35 said:


> You can be separated and live in the same house. Just move into another bedroom and don't talk to him - except about things you have to talk about. If he won't leave - live as housemates. File for legal separation or divorce. Separate your finances - and the expenses and each pay your share of the bills. Live you life - let him live his - and both of you share the responsibility and care of your son.
> 
> Not many can live like this civilly because they still have too many emotions involved. But it is an option that you can try, if you feel you can't leave but really are done with the marriage.


It's an option to consider while you are figuring out what your choices are.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Does he leave the house for an significant period of time on a regular basis?

If so, then go to Home Depot or Lowes, and get deadbolts and doorknobs to replace all the pre-existing ones on your exterior doors. When he leaves, change them. And once the house is locked down, pack a suitcase or two of his stuff, and set it on the porch.

I'm not sure of the legalities in your state, but that's what I would do.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

BioFury said:


> Does he leave the house for an significant period of time on a regular basis?
> 
> If so, then go to Home Depot or Lowes, and get deadbolts and doorknobs to replace all the pre-existing ones on your exterior doors. When he leaves, change them. And once the house is locked down, pack a suitcase or two of his stuff, and set it on the porch.
> 
> I'm not sure of the legalities in your state, but that's what I would do.


She would need to talk to a lawyer before doing this. In most, if not all states, neither of them have the right to kick the other out of the home. It's as much his legal residence as it is hers.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

If you can be content with having your H as a companion and co-caretaker of your disabled son;then it might be a good idea to legally separate, but live in the same house.

If his inappropriate internet activity were to be acted out in "real life"; then divorce would be the only dignified option at that point.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

BioFury said:


> Does he leave the house for an significant period of time on a regular basis?
> 
> If so, then go to Home Depot or Lowes, and get deadbolts and doorknobs to replace all the pre-existing ones on your exterior doors. When he leaves, change them. And once the house is locked down, pack a suitcase or two of his stuff, and set it on the porch.
> 
> I'm not sure of the legalities in your state, but that's what I would do.


In probably all jurisdictions that would get her arrested and taken down to the police station.


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## Mr.StrongMan (Feb 10, 2016)

OP was your husband viewing porn or talking to other women? Porn is a very hard habit to break, even if the man wants to. On the other hand, if he's talking to other women, that's a different story.

What kind of spyware did you user? Does it capture email passwords?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Time to lawyer up.

Find out what your options are and what you can reasonably expect in the event of a divorce.

This guy sounds like a complete douche bag.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Well beyond time to get yourself to a good "piranha" family attorney to help advise you of both your custodial and property rights! 

Your STBXH seems to be a real lout!

Sorry to see you here at TAM, @Redone ~ but you have come to the best possible place in the world for marital relationship advice! Best of luck to you!*


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

> I just don't want to do it anymore. So *what options do I have* if he won't leave the house ? I can't leave bc We have a disabled adult son .



Whether you accept it or not you and your WH are in a *legal binding contract *with children, property, and assets in the balance. If your WH will not agree to settlement and D... this is why we have Family Practice Attorneys and the Civil Court system in this country. 

Living in Limbo will steal years from your life. Make the call.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Mr.StrongMan said:


> OP was your husband viewing porn or talking to other women? Porn is a very hard habit to break, even if the man wants to. On the other hand, if he's talking to other women, that's a different story.
> 
> What kind of spyware did you user? Does it capture email passwords?


Same question, define "inappropriate online."

Are we talking about watching porn or something far worse like answering craig's list meet up ads for sex?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

180 time.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

My first thought was also what exactly 'inappropriate on the internet' means. It's kinda hard to give advice when we don't know what exactly he was up to. Was he spending money on a poker site? Shopping? Whacking off to pictures of Brad Pitt? What??


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

mary35 said:


> You can be separated and live in the same house. Just move into another bedroom and don't talk to him - except about things you have to talk about. If he won't leave - live as housemates. File for legal separation or divorce. Separate your finances - and the expenses and each pay your share of the bills. Live you life - let him live his - and both of you share the responsibility and care of your son.
> 
> Not many can live like this civilly because they still have too many emotions involved. But it is an option that you can try, if you feel you can't leave but really are done with the marriage.


I did this with my first husband. We lived like that for years (he wouldn't agree to divorce, and I wanted to stay with our kids a long as possible.)

I'm so sorry you are going though this. It hurts so badly to be emotionally beat up by those we love, over and over. I hate how the internet makes it so easy for this to happen, and how some spouses view it as "no big deal". The continued breakdown of the family unit, so sad....


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

BioFury said:


> Does he leave the house for an significant period of time on a regular basis?
> 
> If so, then go to Home Depot or Lowes, and get deadbolts and doorknobs to replace all the pre-existing ones on your exterior doors. When he leaves, change them. And once the house is locked down, pack a suitcase or two of his stuff, and set it on the porch.
> 
> I'm not sure of the legalities in your state, but that's what I would do.


It's probably not legal in any state. You would do it, your spouse would have you arrested, and they'd be a step ahead of you in the upcoming divorce.

You really need to think about the advice you give here and not just throw out haphazard ideas that could have grave implications was someone to take you seriously.

What she could consider doing is consulting with an attorney and discuss whether or not she is in fear of him and if so, a restraining order is one way to get him out of the house much faster than going through the slow legal contested divorce route which could take months as compared to days.


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## Redone (Feb 10, 2013)

I don't think he has any legality of staying in the house bc of our disabled son. Our son is 28 so not a minor. Without elaborating too much but yes it was porn and he has a addiction to "inappropriate porn". There is and has been a distinct pattern and bc he has this sickness he certainly does not think he is doing anything wrong . This has been going on and off for a few years and its clear to me now that he will not change especially when it comes to this. I need to seek legal advice on all this as counseling for him isn't helping anymore . Living in the same house not sure if that would work but maybe at least til we sold the house


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Redone said:


> I don't think he has any legality of staying in the house bc of our disabled son. Our son is 28 so not a minor. Without elaborating too much but yes it was porn and he has a addiction to "inappropriate porn". There is and has been a distinct pattern and bc he has this sickness he certainly does not think he is doing anything wrong . This has been going on and off for a few years and its clear to me now that he will not change especially when it comes to this. I need to seek legal advice on all this as counseling for him isn't helping anymore . Living in the same house not sure if that would work but maybe at least til we sold the house


What constitute inappropriate? iM PRETTY sure all porn is not appropriate. 

The important thing we need to know is THIS BORDERING ON ILLEGAL? please just spell it out for us. What is he whacking it too?


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

browser said:


> It's probably not legal in any state. You would do it, *your spouse would have you arrested*, and they'd be a step ahead of you in the upcoming divorce.
> 
> You really need to think about the advice you give here and not just throw out haphazard ideas that could have grave implications was someone to take you seriously.
> 
> What she could consider doing is consulting with an attorney and discuss whether or not she is in fear of him and if so, a restraining order is one way to get him out of the house much faster than going through the slow legal contested divorce route which could take months as compared to days.


More like you would do it, your spouse would call the police, the police would say it's a civil matter. There isn't a police department in the US that would waste their time arresting you for changing the locks on your house. The judge in divorce court won't like it and might penalize you for it but you really don't need to worry about being arrested for changing the locks.


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## Redone (Feb 10, 2013)

I am just tying to get through the holidays with all my kids being home. I have decided he can either move downstairs and live in the basement while we figure out the finances and house issue , or he can move downstairs and go back to counseling but this time with me going to his first visit so I can be there to explain to his therapist what is going on . Either way for me I am seeking legal advice next week .


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

IF he's viewing illegal content, you need to talk with a lawyer and the police. His computer can get a twice over by forensics. It'll be hard for him to hide anything unless he has NSA-level disposal techniques and equipment in his possession, which I doubt.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Knowing what he is viewing is actually kinda important when giving advice about this situation. I can only assume because you are so silent about it you fear legal ramifications. 

If so, you MUST speak to a lawyer.


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## ShatteredStill (Dec 20, 2016)

This is an anonymous site. As others have said, without knowing what you're talking about it's really hard to give advise.

If he's got a foot fetish our advise & YOUR OPTIONS will be different from child pornography or extremely violent porn. Man on man would be another issue altogether. See what I mean?

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. You know your standards & your limits. Stay strong.


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## ShatteredStill (Dec 20, 2016)

You said that your children are home from school. Are they YOUR children? Is he their biological father?

Given their age, have you considered being honest & open with them? Their support could be invaluable to you.


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## Good Guy (Apr 26, 2016)

It sounds to me that the you consider any porn watching as inappropriate as you haven't answered the question about illegal porn directly. If he's using it and ignoring you that's a different matter. Used in a healthy way, porn is just a masturbation aid. Of course you are entitled to your red lines, but no porn would be a dealbreaker for me.

I assume reading romantic novels or films - far worse than porn in terms of betrayal - as it goes on for hours, masturbating or watching any show where she considers any man even vaguely sexually attractive are also off limits to you? Fifty shades of grey?

I know I'm making a lot of assumptions here but I haven't got a lot to work with.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Redone said:


> Without elaborating too much but yes it was porn and he has a addiction to "inappropriate porn".


Trying to read between the lines as you continue to not be forthcoming which is causing a lot of speculation rather than helpful advice....

If by inappropriate you mean under aged and hence why you don't want to elaborate then your first phone call ought to be to the police.


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## Redone (Feb 10, 2013)

It's taken me a while to reply . Yrs it was underage porn as well as reg porn. He has had a porn addiction I believe for as long as I can remember but the underage porn showed up in the last year and a half . He is out of the house and I have seemed legal representation. I cannot go after him for the underage porn use bc he has a security clearance. He would loose that and his job and that would effect not only myself but my children. One adult child is disabled and I am his caregiver. I am devastated and upset with myself . He cheated on and off for yrs physically many years ago , but cyber stuff fairly recent . He went to therapy on his own but now knowing he never addressed the porn issue . I am numb just trying to go day by day right now.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Redone said:


> It's taken me a while to reply . Yrs it was underage porn as well as reg porn. He has had a porn addiction I believe for as long as I can remember but the underage porn showed up in the last year and a half . He is out of the house and I have seemed legal representation. I cannot go after him for the underage porn use bc he has a security clearance. He would loose that and his job and that would effect not only myself but my children. One adult child is disabled and I am his caregiver. I am devastated and upset with myself . He cheated on and off for yrs physically many years ago , but cyber stuff fairly recent . He went to therapy on his own but now knowing he never addressed the porn issue . I am numb just trying to go day by day right now.


Sorry to hear this.

Check with your lawyer. If you are aware he is downloading under age pornography then are you liable if you look the other way?


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## Redone (Feb 10, 2013)

He never downloaded. He looked at it multiple times and multiple websites .


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Is the enough to face legal time? I don't know the laws on this....

I would consult a lawyer on this.

I think you need to leave this sick man. Obviously he has a mental illness.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Redone said:


> He never downloaded. He looked at it multiple times and multiple websites .


The images would probably have been stored locally on his computer. So legally that might count as downloading.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> The images would probably have been stored locally on his computer. So legally that might count as downloading.


Excellent point, one that I don't think most people are aware of.


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## KaggyBear (Jan 16, 2017)

I found a bunch of "busty, wet teens" on my husbands computer. never again will i ever use his computer again in case i accidentally open his saved browser full of "facials". lol


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

KaggyBear said:


> I found a bunch of "busty, wet teens" on my husbands computer. never again will i ever use his computer again in case i accidentally open his saved browser full of "facials". lol


That you honey?


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## KaggyBear (Jan 16, 2017)

browser said:


> That you honey?


I guess my husband likes the same porn as you do XD


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## Redone (Feb 10, 2013)

He has left and I have seen a lawyer. Either way going after him for criminal charges will not help me in anyway . If he looses his security clearance he looses his job therefore I am screwed financially. Well I do work I don't make nowhere close to what he does and I need that money when this is all done and over with . Right now I am just trying to function one day at a time. When you are with someone for 28yrs and it is over it is hard


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## release2016 (Dec 30, 2016)

So sorry for what you are going through Redone. 

Yes - one day at a time and be sure to look after your health and eat right, and try to carve out a little time to do something which helps you feel uplifted a litte bit - maybe start and/or end each day with an inspirational song that you can join in with singing and/or moving to the music. Of course this isn't going to pay your bills but it might help you deal with the stress somewhat and help clear your head.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

I hope that you are able to share with your children what is going on; they are all older it seems? Pretending for a long time is going to wear you out emotionally. (I know because I did it and it did.) One thing my older teenage daughter shared with me is she was grateful she knew my STBX and I were headed for divorce. Not all the nasty details of his cheating; but just that this is what was happening. Take good care of yourself. Get through each day and that is an accomplishment in itself. Because you are you son's caregiver; please do that for you both.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Find someone you can confide in; you will need the support.


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