# She doesn't understand the concept of hugging??



## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

Ladies, your input please as I really can't wrap my mind around this one.:scratchhead:

My wife doesn't get hugging. She is not exactly what you would consider an affectionate person. If I were to give her a hug, she will just stand there with her arms at her side, feeling a little silly I think. She's always been like this with me and admits to being like this with everyone. Even a hug when shes devastated over someones passing does nothing for her.

Now she claims its because of her upbringing. I know her mother was not at all affectionate with her when she was young, but her sister is very affectionate! She was raised the same way doesnt seem to have this problem.

I'm a very affectionate person and have more or less "learned to live with it" and adapted to her. Sometimes though, when Ive had a horrible day and it feels like the whole world is falling apart around me, a hug from her would have made it OK and I would long for it. She use to try at first, but more or less gave up as she feels that its just the way she is and shouldnt have to do try for me.

Is there anyone else out there like this? Is it really that bizzare?
Could there be more behind it than just her upbringing?


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## ddf72 (Jun 19, 2009)

It may make her feel so vulnerable to literally open her "self" up to being that close to someone that it just doesn't register that it could be an intimate act of love.

Everyone has their own ways of dealing with childhood trauma. Maybe her need for physical affection when she was tiny was so great...and so ignored....that she "shut off" that part of her development.

Her sister could possibly have taken the "other" route and made doubly sure she expresses herself openly so as to leave no doubt as to HER affections she wants to share with others.

Maybe?


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

I got to ask...how's she in bed? Does she get into it? Does she get more vocal, more active? Or does she just lay there? 

If she gets into things then explain that hugs, for you, are like mini bedroom sessions. Just without all the sweat.


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

Im not really comfortable going there as I wouldnt like it if she were posting as such about me (Im kind of a private person).

Lets just say the more booze she drinks, the more courage.

Thats a good idea dcrim, but I still dont think she would understand.

It just seems like such a simple thing to me. It's not like your gonna feel like you just ran a marathon after a 5 second hug:scratchhead:

ddf72: Your analisys makes a whole lot of sense and it brings a very sad picture to my mind. That of a young child crying out to be loved and the mother telling said child to "get over it". I know her mother was like this with certain things, so its a good possibility. Thats incredibly sad.

This is another reason I would * really really* like to get her to councelling as I think alot of this stuff may float to the surface.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Im not really a touchy person either. My H is always asking me to hug him more, etc. I just forget. but i do like it when i hug him.


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## Lavender (May 14, 2008)

One of my Aunts would not hug her kids??? At my grandmothers funeral was when it first became relevant to me for my Aunt had 4 grown sons & they tried to hug & comfort her for the loss of her Mother .. aka theres & mine as well grandmother but she pushed them back & I was shocked.. i asked my Mom for explanation of her sister & she said " she has never been affectionate with her boys there whole life & ironically most of her sons are Over affectionate with everyone else... 3 out of 4 of my male cousins Hug me atleast 5 times per each encounter with them via wal mart or service station .. but one of them avoids & clearly isnt comfortable with the Hugs or expression of touching so sounds like your wife is the one who developed a tendacy to not want/ need it as her sister does and overly so .. very sad to me sorry i dont know any magic fix for it .. just thought id add that IVE SEEN IT BEFORE.. Good Luck


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

My parents never hugged me, with the exception of two times, my mom hugged me at my high school and college graduations. I was never really a touchy feely person, still don't like people to stand or sit too close to me. I am not sure if it is hard habit to break. I do hug my kids a lot, not as affectionate with my husband. I mostly just give a quick hug and kiss hello and goodbye.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

I think hugs should be done as often as possible.

It's a sign of love (of the many varying types). 

IDK, I think touch is a very important sign of affection...


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Blanca said:


> Im not really a touchy person either. My H is always asking me to hug him more, etc. I just forget. but i do like it when i hug him.


This could explain his other problems


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Sensitive said:


> My parents never hugged me, with the exception of two times, my mom hugged me at my high school and college graduations. I was never really a touchy feely person, still don't like people to stand or sit too close to me. I am not sure if it is hard habit to break. I do hug my kids a lot, not as affectionate with my husband. I mostly just give a quick hug and kiss hello and goodbye.


It's pretty well known that kids (especially males), form a non-demonstrative home will not enjoy too much hugging or intimacy in marriage. They are fine with a new g/f or b/f, but once they settle down into marriage, they tend to gravitate towards what they grew up with. I'm glad you hug your kids, as this is doing a lot to break the continuity - they will not have your problems when they get married. 

Esther Perel wrote a book about this called "Mating in Captivity". It is well worth reading, even though it rambles a bit.


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

dcrim said:


> I think hugs should be done as often as possible.
> 
> It's a sign of love (of the many varying types).
> 
> IDK, I think touch is a very important sign of affection...


See I completely agree with that, but she doesnt get it.

She claims actions actions speak louder then words so.....:scratchhead

So Blanca ,you would still hug your husband sometimes and not feel all weird about it? See, she would never really hug me on her own thought. It just made me feel unwanted.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Dark Angel said:


> So Blanca ,you would still hug your husband sometimes and not feel all weird about it? See, she would never really hug me on her own thought. It just made me feel unwanted.


oh ya i can hug him and not feel weird about it. I actually have to make mental notes to do it but it doesnt feel weird or anything. i hug my H sometimes but he has to ask me a lot, which i know makes him feel unwanted and lonely.


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## oldlady (Jun 20, 2009)

I don't like hugs from "friends" never have. Makes me uncomfortable. I used to like hugs from husband but lately I could care less but thats because I just don't think I "love him" and it goes back to hating hugs from friends or aquaintences.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Dark Angel,

I''m not an overly affectionate person - wasn't raised that way. And MT is right I had no problems with my wife when she was my girlfriend doing it but I settled down into marriage and dropped it slowly over time with her. 

My wife is a physical touch person as I found out after reading the book Five Love Languages. That is just one of the issues I'm actively working on. I don't need her to do that for me (however right now I would love her to). I'm more words of affirmation which of course she doesn't do a lot of. We'll get our languages worked out I hope. 

Although looking back on it it is strange that I do hug her family and my son a lot. I've probably given more hugs out in the last 7 years than all the previous years combined. Just not enough for her. 

Get her to read the book. It sure helped me.


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

Actually, Ive meant to pick up that book for myself regardless. I definitely want her to read it, if she ever agrees to try and work things out.

She really *hates* hugs and kisses from my family too. I can understand that no problem. She isnt married to them.

Now my 5yr old son days he doesnt like it either when everyone (meaning not either of us) wants to kiss and hug him. I think thats probably pretty normal for his age. She went and told him that shes always been like that too and its perfectly fine. She explained it that now he wont feel like hes alone or feel like hes weird, but Im concerned if it may influence him to be like that later in life.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

dcrim said:


> ...like mini bedroom sessions. Just without all the sweat.


dcrim: You are so funny and have such a _way_ with words!  Women don't _sweat_ dcrim, they _*glisten*_.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Hmmm. :scratchhead: Hugging.

I grew up with a Mom who was the "get over it" type. I also never heard "I love you" until I was about 40 years old when she realized she was going to croak one day and I suppose she wanted to make amends. Too late too little.

What I've observed about hugs and the hugginess of people is that it is very individual and yes, somewhat a function of how one is raised. 

I also notice it is a function of the AGE of sons/men; daughters/women and their stage in life. 

So it is a combination of several factors. 

_My_ dh hugs me as follows: opens his arms WIDE open, pokes out his chest and moves toward me in this shuffling pattern; he only does this when horny as he wants me to press MY chest against his stuck out chest. _*It is about as attractive to ME as gum on a sidewalk on a hot afternoon in Texas*_. I can see he is in it for the "cheap" thrill to fulfill his BREAST fixation.  

IF, however, he approaches be from behind as I am cutting up veggies at the sink, with my hands full, and he hugs me "full body, enveloping me with his arms" and nuzzles my neck  and I am feeling _good_ toward HIM, I drop the veggies and leave them to wilt for a few hours . 

When I am very upset over some bad news, my dh hugs me now and then, but it isn't consistent. 

Although I wasn't raised with hugs, I always wanted to be the stereotypical "Greek" or "Italian" hugger/huggie. Those big soft, affectionate hugs that give warmth and the "you are important to me" type hugs/hugger. 

I hug my very large sons (carefully making sure my breasts in no way make contact so as not to _weird them out_) BECAUSE sometimes they just need to understand physical contact can be non-sexual and necessary and can make people feel good about themselves. 

I hug my daughters now and then when they need it; I hug them when I haven't seen them in some time, I hug them when I am leaving on a plane (never know if you are gonna seem them again).

I hug my grandkids, but my grandson is at the AGE where he gets flustered...he is 8-9. So at that age in a boy, I usually keep aware of the sexuality of the hug and avoid any of the breast contact, too. 

I remember MY grandmother had these huge soft breasts, and my male step brothers, she'd literally bury their heads in her boobs, and they'd turn around all red faced. I try to be a bit more empathetic!


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Dark Angel said:


> Im not really comfortable going there as I wouldnt like it if she were posting as such about me (Im kind of a private person).


If you can't be open here, you'll never be open.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

depends... not all hugs are alike.

maybe yours are too gorilla like or hard ? something to think about as most people who love each other understand perfectly the need and desire for hugs.


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## whysobitter (Apr 7, 2009)

My H always gives cold pecks on the lips and not a lot of hugs  One time when he left for work I asked him for a hug and he squeezed me. Wasn't exactly what I wanted. I grew up in a family that wasn't affectonate, and when they do hug it's wimpy. I want hugs more than a silly peck on the lips. What people want or like has a lot to do with up bringing and their perceptions. I'm trying to train him to hug me affectionatly while he gives me that peck on the cheek.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Sandy55 said:


> dcrim: You are so funny and have such a _way_ with words!  Women don't _sweat_ dcrim, they _*glisten*_.


mmmm, yes, glisten, that works!


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

Thanks Sandy55 for the great post.

Geezz. I still remember being that little boy running away from a massive breast hug. LOL! I got quite a few on them when I was young.

Its those sneak attack hugs while shes cutting the veggies that I love. I don't mean it has to go anywhere from there (although I certainly woudlnt say no). Those little moments can be so special, but they are severly lacking.

I could understand if it was that she just wasnt happy with me, but that wasnt it.

MT - I suppose you are right. Im concerned that talking about her in that capacity would be a violation. Ive never been one to share sexual details about a woman Ive been with. It just seems wrong to me somehow. 

Preso - I like variety. Some hugs should be more like a tackle, some hugs should have the most delicate touch. It depends on the situation.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

I don't think anyone likes those hard gorilla hugs. I know people have given me some and it kinda hurts.


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## feylovelyheart (Jun 13, 2009)

Blanca said:


> Im not really a touchy person either. My H is always asking me to hug him more, etc. I just forget. but i do like it when i hug him.


You are just like me. I always forget to hug him even though I know he likes it when I hug him. I think I will remember to hug him all the time if he does the same. Most of time, I am the one who hug him. He rarely hug me even when I ask him too.


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## feylovelyheart (Jun 13, 2009)

Dark Angel...

Did you hug her a lot?

I didn't hug my husband often because he didn't hug me either. Sometimes he asked me to hug him but when I need it, he refused it. Sometimes he did, but he seems weird to do that. Don't know why!


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

anyone mentioned the possibility of 
aspbergers syndrome?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asperger_syndrome

? maybe she has something along those lines
?


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

preso said:


> anyone mentioned the possibility of
> aspbergers syndrome?
> 
> Asperger syndrome - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
> ...


How stange that you should bring that up.

She has been trying her best to get our 5yr old son diagnosed with this for the better part of years. The high priced specialist she took him to behind my back said no, but he might be to young to tell for sure. It didnt stop there. She pushed and pushed and got someone else to label him as "meets the autism spectrum disorder requirements". He is still suppose to see yet another specialist and I intend to be there this time.

Shes also accused me of having it. Shes convinced half the world is mildy autistic.

Now shes starting in on our 2yr old. No one else believes it either (even one of her family members who works with these kinds of kids)

I never even considered the possibility of her having it. Im convinced now that there is something there, but I dont think thats what it is.

I almost choked when I read your post.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Dark Angel said:


> How stange that you should bring that up.
> 
> She has been trying her best to get our 5yr old son diagnosed with this for the better part of years. The high priced specialist she took him to behind my back said no, but he might be to young to tell for sure. It didnt stop there. She pushed and pushed and got someone else to label him as "meets the autism spectrum disorder requirements". He is still suppose to see yet another specialist and I intend to be there this time.
> 
> ...



well then, she may have it, more so since she projects that everyone else does.


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## XiaSulin (Jul 5, 2009)

I am on the autistic spectrum and nobody had to bring me to several doctors for them to see it (that doesn't mean it can't take years to find the diagnosis). When I was a kid they did a psychological evaluation and they talked about this diagnosis. Which explained a lot at the time, and was what they used to get me to talk and to learn how to communicate conversations with other people. I've come really far from when I was a kid for instance I have started to iniate(sp) conversations instead of waiting for someone to come in and help me. And I don't have as much a struggle verbally speaking like I used to.

I think if you have to force a doctor to label all your kids autistic then my brain tells me that can't be it, but maybe she's just following her instincts :-/. 

If she has anything I don't know if it has to do with ASD but maybe, instead of trying to get the kids diagnosed she should be working on herself. I know that for a long time I didn't understand the concept of hugging and I still don't, that could be from anything though. Kind of Questions I can think of. Did her family just not hug? Was she abused? Has she always been like that with you? Is it like that with the kids? Etc.


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

preso said:


> well then, she may have it, more so since she projects that everyone else does.


I cant believe I never thought of that. I'll never know though as she would never get tested.

Shes convinced I have it and passed it to my son.

She is completely consumed by it.

She use to constantly get me to read a bunch of books by Jenny McCarthy. How she "cured" her child of autism. I read about her junk science in it and wouldnt bite.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

well, chances are she has it. 
You can read more about it online and see what can be done for it. I believe there are levels ??? of the problem ( mild, severe, etc) not sure but you can read up on it.... and maybe she has been previously diagnosised in her childhood or something...
something to look into now that you have some direction to understanding what her problem "could" be.
That she is projecting the disease onto everyone else is a big red flag she herself has it.
( takes one to know one)


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

I guess its possible. Her family would have told me if she had been flagged for it before.

They dont even want to hear her talk about it anymore. They dont buy it either.

My son tested as a genious. He did score very badly in social skills and his fine motor skills at mainly physical things have always been a bit behind. There are too many things that are normal about him as well.

Hes probably going to alot like me. Problems with social anxiety. He will need help from time to time, but its not the end of the world like she makes it.

I think at one time she even saw herself sa Jenny McCarthy the "Mother Warrior". She even straightened her hair and dyed it blond at the time. It was kinda creepy.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Asperger's Syndrome-Symptoms



http://www.webmd.com/brain/autism/tc/aspergers-syndrome-treatment-overview


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## XiaSulin (Jul 5, 2009)

Yes there are degrees of it. The thing is you can't just look at a list of symptoms because there are so many mental disorders that overlap but it does help to see some of the common issues through the symptom list. There's actually a specific criteria that is broken up into groups, and you have to have so many per group to be diagnosed as ASD. 'Social Issues' on it's own doesn't necessarily have to be a sign for ASD, or Asperger's more specifically.


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

I have read up on it a bit and at times I even waver on the possibility of him having it. I think part of it is the fact that she still has an effect on my thinking.

At the start she searched the internet endlessly for that sort of info and freaked herself. Sometimes I wonder if a bit of knowledge is a dangerous thing.

Before that it was all about what was wrong with her:
- Colon cancer
- Shingles
- Diabetes
- etc.

There were more, Ive lost track. At one time or another she searched the net and was convinced she had these things.

Once she moved on to the kids problems, the middle of the night hospital trips where they found nothing stopped.

Strange huh?


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## XiaSulin (Jul 5, 2009)

From what you're describing it sounds like your wife has a little bit more than ASD (I don't mean worse when I say more), I mean just a little bit different.


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## XiaSulin (Jul 5, 2009)

Dark Angel said:


> At the start she searched the internet endlessly for that sort of info and freaked herself. Sometimes I wonder if a bit of knowledge is a dangerous thing.
> 
> Before that it was all about what was wrong with her:
> - Colon cancer
> ...


Have you considered that she might be a hypochondriac?


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

XiaSulin said:


> Yes there are degrees of it. The thing is you can't just look at a list of symptoms because there are so many mental disorders that overlap but it does help to see some of the common issues through the symptom list. There's actually a specific criteria that is broken up into groups, and you have to have so many per group to be diagnosed as ASD. 'Social Issues' on it's own doesn't necessarily have to be a sign for ASD, or Asperger's more specifically.


I understand that. From the report she gave me they said he barely meets the sectrum requirements.

Perhaps I should take him to a specialist myself, even though it would cost alot. Maybe we could put this to bed once and for all.

Is it possible Im wrong..YES. Then at least I will know for sure too.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Before that it was all about what was wrong with her:
- Colon cancer
- Shingles
- Diabetes
- etc.
There were more said:


> What are the Symptoms of Hypochondria?
> 
> seems she may have several types of mental illness... some people do.


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

XiaSulin said:


> Have you considered that she might be a hypochondriac?


Affirmative.

Thats why Ive always struggled with her trying to diagnose her own kids.

Everytime we went to the hospital late at night I would go and be supportive and keep my mouth shut.

Some of it turned out to be true. She does have Hyperthyroidism (possibly Graves Disease). It took awhile to find that. Shes not even taking her pills now though.

Very foolish. Shes risking alot, probably to be skinny.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

To me, it sounds more like she is a hypochondriac or has some form of Munchausen Syndrome than an ASD. Especially since this seems to be such an ingrained pattern in her, seeking out medical diagnosis or illness for herself or your children. In the future, I would NOT let her take the children to the doctors appointments by herself, you need to be present to act as a buffer for your kids. 
Here is a link to some info on Munchausen Syndrome:
Münchausen syndrome - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Your home life must be hell.

sorry to say but MY GAWD.... I couldn't handle all that. Would be too much. I like a peaceful home life.
She ( your wife) needs something else to do than surf the web since she obviously can't handle all the information she is reading she needs to get a new hobby... perhaps something OFFLINE and physical. 


I thought my step son had aspbergers but after talking to my husband, he is just slow...........
as in low IQ... which I'm certain comes from his mothers side. He will never be college material but would make a good labor worker, like a roofer. Not everyone is smart and often people who are ... are so messed up emotionally, they do not make good partners or friends. I would rather be average IQ and have a happy life than be a genious who can't even enjoy simple things like hugs and a peaceful day.
I have a cousin who is genius ( no aspbergers, just super smart) he is a Phd in several fields.... and he is an idiot when it comes to common sense or being a nice person, his wife left him and he is not pleasant at all, in any way and has no feelings for others, not even his own mother. I do not think its that great to be super smart as many aspbergers people are. I see it as a curse and glad I'm not like that.


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

Mommybean said:


> To me, it sounds more like she is a hypochondriac or has some form of Munchausen Syndrome than an ASD. Especially since this seems to be such an ingrained pattern in her, seeking out medical diagnosis or illness for herself or your children. In the future, I would NOT let her take the children to the doctors appointments by herself, you need to be present to act as a buffer for your kids.
> Here is a link to some info on Munchausen Syndrome:
> Münchausen syndrome - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


That is exactly what my mother and my aunt suspect. I havent looked into it. Perhaps I should.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

Please do...because it can be VERY dangerous, and the lengths she will go to (if she has MS) could quite possibly intensify if she is not getting the results she wants,which could SERIOUSLY jeopardize your children's health, not to mention their mental state if she is trying to convince THEM that there is something wrong with them. DO NOT let her take them to a doctor/specialist alone again.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

preso said:


> Your home life must be hell.
> 
> sorry to say but MY GAWD.... I couldn't handle all that. Would be too much. I like a peaceful home life.
> She ( your wife) needs something else to do than surf the web since she obviously can't handle all the information she is reading she needs to get a new hobby... perhaps something OFFLINE and physical.
> ...



Preso, I get the gist of what you are saying, but REALLY....I have two close friends whose sons have Aspbergers...and I can promise you...they would rather been "normal" than to be saddled with the burden that they have. The tone of your post was a little off-putting to me in regards to the Aspbergers section...


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

The tone of your post was a little off-putting to me in regards to the Aspbergers section...[/QUOTE said:


> yes......... it would be hell to live through all the original poster has wrote about. I know some aspbergers people and I find them very difficult to be around. I can only imagine the hell it would be to live with someone like this...
> AWFUL to say the least.
> Read into what you want, that is my opinion.


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

I'd say it was hard preso, but not hell.

Im living in hell *now*

Im not so sure about her having Asbergers. Its also much less likely in women. She doesnt seem to follow quite enough of the symptoms

Munchausen Syndrome is much more likely. When my mother and aunt make a statement like that, I take it seriously. They wouldnt say something like that unless they had very good reason to believe it because it really could damage someones character if it isnt true.

Who knows, it could be many things. She keeps flip flopping on what shes saying and lies CONSTANTLY. She has her whole life.

Only an expert can say for sure, and I dont see that happening unless I make a threat about the kids. Im not going to do that though unless Im positive its the right course of action.

So damn complicated.

BTW: I do plan on attending any Doctors appts they go to. I have that right.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Dark Angel said:


> BTW: I do plan on attending any Doctors appts they go to. I have that right.



yes you do.
Hope things work out.


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