# What questions did you ask your WS?



## BeenThereAndSuffering (Mar 12, 2012)

I have been reading different threads and people have said WS freaked when I asked this question or lied about this question and I have found myself saying "I never thought to ask that question?"...so H has agreed to sit down tonight and answer all questions I have and I want to compile a list and want some opinions or suggestions on what questions I should ask......


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

This is a good thing to do, but PLEASE don't go into it with the attitude that he'll answer everything tonight and that will be the end of it. Because it WON'T be the end of it.

You will want the same questions answered over and over a thousand times. And he needs to answer them a thousand times. And he'd better answer them the same way a thousand times. Because every time he does, you trust him a teeny bit more.

If either of you is doing this as a way of ending the questions, don't.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

BeenThereAndSuffering said:


> I have been reading different threads and people have said WS freaked when I asked this question or lied about this question and I have found myself saying "I never thought to ask that question?"...so H has agreed to sit down tonight and answer all questions I have and I want to compile a list and want some opinions or suggestions on what questions I should ask......


What is the situation? You or him or both?

One night stand?

Physical affair of weeks or months?

Physical affair of years?

Emotional affair?

Who is AP - On-line, coworker, neighbor, old BF/GF?

Is it over or ongoing?

Can't really offer questions without a brief description of your situation.

General questions are what ever you feel you need to know.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Just some quick ones

1. Did you say you "Loved Her"? Asked because it really shows what type of commitment he was making to her. That statement shows a real break made by him.
2. Where did you take her?
3. Who else knows about this? Shows who your real friends are and also gives you a list of who you no longer want him to have contact with.
4. Depends on your strength of mind " Sexual History?" Also lets you know if you need to get tested for STDs if they did perform the act. 

Just some quick thoughts


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## courseplotter (May 8, 2012)

Reminds me of this scene.

Closer- Break up scene - YouTube


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## BeenThereAndSuffering (Mar 12, 2012)

H had an EA with Coworker, he said the only physical acts between them was kissing, hugging and holding but when A was exposed and OW tried to contact him and couldn't, she called me and said they had had sex in his truck..he denies this, even swore on our kids' life..OWS committed suicide on one of the nights she was out with my H.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I did find that the first time I asked questions that answers that my wife provided were very clipped answers and if you want specifics be specific in your questions.

No matter what the answers are you should have yourself tested for STD's. He lied and cheated already do not assume you are getting the truth and nothing but the truth now. This is about your health.

As a man I wanted to know more about the acts and who was being the agressor, where when, I did ask her a question that gave her the deer in the headlight look. When you had sex with me did you feel like you were cheating on him? I am not sure if I ever had a straight answer on this one.

I also found smashing her Iphone with a sledge hammer very satisfying.


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## aeg512 (Mar 22, 2011)

Your last question needs to be "Will you take a polygraph to answer some of these questions?"


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## BeenThereAndSuffering (Mar 12, 2012)

Yeah, she didnt even cry or anything, actually the next day she went to bar and called my H to pick her up and take her home cause she couldnt drive. They saw each other 2 more times after that before they got really busted and she has since left the state.


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## jinba (Apr 26, 2012)

Be prepared for a lot of evasive answers - and don't move on to the next until you're satisfied. I got a lot of "I don't know" responses and pretty much let them slide - the first time - which did me no good and only left me with more questions.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Asked everything over and over,WW has been home 3 months,I'm still asking questions,sometimes one I never thought to ask pops up.
The worst is "Did you love him?" and she says yes at the time I thought I did.She told him that 15-20 times,until she finally came around,she knows what a liar and loser he is now.
The why question,she cant answer,at least I always get a apology from her when I ask that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## baldmale (Dec 29, 2010)

When their stories don't even match I would definitely suggest a polygraph test. I think you're being lied to, and will continue down that path.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Ask him some questions (at lest three) that you know are true, then watch very carefully how he acts, like were his eyes go, if he blinks and what his hands do and how he holds him self up.

ask him;
was she a coworker
is she still out of state
did they kiss

Then go for the tough ones and see if his eyes look down, if he's blinking more and there are gesture that are different then when he was answering truthfully.

The best and 4th question to ask and it needs to be worded like this "was there any concern about pregnency".

This could answer two questions at once and he (hopefully) wont see it coming. 1) if protection wasn't used, and 2) if they really had intercourse. 

good luck


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

the guy said:


> Ask him some questions (at lest three) that you know are true, then watch very carefully how he acts, like were his eyes go, if he blinks and what his hands do and how he holds him self up.
> 
> ask him;
> was she a coworker
> ...


Actually cheaters tend to look the BS right in the eye 
(according to some of the books about it) when they are lying. They try to establish eye contact to see if you are buying it. That was definitely what I experienced. He lied like a man running for congress. I didn't know he had it in him to be such an expert in deceit.


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## nxs450 (Apr 17, 2012)

BeenThereAndSuffering said:


> I have been reading different threads and people have said WS freaked when I asked this question or lied about this question and I have found myself saying "I never thought to ask that question?"...so H has agreed to sit down tonight and answer all questions I have and I want to compile a list and want some opinions or suggestions on what questions I should ask......


I asked everything, and then some. There is know way you are going to have them all answered in one night. Let her know that she will need to answer things as they come up also. Try to let her know in advance that you want to talk. It's been 3 1/2 years and sometimes something new will hit me, and I will ask my wife about it. She is good about not getting defensive anymore and answering them the best she can. If I don't It will eat away at me until I say something.
Good luck.


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## nxs450 (Apr 17, 2012)

BeenThereAndSuffering said:


> H had an EA with Coworker, he said the only physical acts between them was kissing, hugging and holding but when A was exposed and OW tried to contact him and couldn't, she called me and said they had had sex in his truck..he denies this, even swore on our kids' life..OWS committed suicide on one of the nights she was out with my H.


Wow! That is the same as my wife's affair. It was with a coworker, and they were holding hands, kissing at lunch time. Other then that it was texting until a party after work one night at a club, and then they had sex in the back seat of her car. 
I found out about a week later.


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## Martin12 (Apr 27, 2012)

This is a relevant thread for me, because soon I am going home from working overseas to talk to my wife who just had a whirlwind affair with a guy from 34 years ago (he found her through Facebook). It went from zero to 200 in less than the month of March.

I know a lot from different sources already, but it's important that she tell me the story herself.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

If your really want to know the truth, I did, then sooner rather than later. While raw and painful, if you wait regardless of R or D it all gets blurred. Time is not on your side. IMO it is better to know how bad is bad and deal with the outcome... then finding out you have been played (lied to) years later.

T


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

BeenThereAndSuffering said:


> H had an EA with Coworker, he said the only physical acts between them was kissing, hugging and holding but when A was exposed and OW tried to contact him and couldn't, she called me and said they had had sex in his truck..he denies this, even swore on our kids' life..OWS committed suicide on one of the nights she was out with my H.


My man swore on his daughter's life. He is an amazing Dad, absolutely dotes on his daughter, they have a great relationship and I am envious of it because I don't have that with my children. I think it is totally different when you have one though. More than one child changes things massively. So yeah, he would do absolutely anything for his daughter and he totally adores her.

I asked him something that I knew to be true to see if he would be honest with me. I asked him over and over again, in different ways to get him to be honest with me, and he outright lied. Total bullsh*t. So I asked him to swear on his daughter's life. He did. He lied again and swore on his daughter's life. 

Don't take what your husband said to mean anything. I have read of others on here doing the same also. Ask yourself why she would say that to you? In what context was she saying it? Was it in a mean way? To set the record straight? What would she gain from telling u a lie, or telling u the truth? Was she angry that he had pulled the wool over your eyes, anger at him dumping her turned into telling u the truth?...That would be the most likely explanation I would think, and the best way to hurt him. I imagine she was extremely angry at him if he ended the affair because he gets to keep his family and she ends up with absolutely no one...only intense guilt, loneliness and regret to keep her warm at night, while he gets to bulls*it his wife and get to keep his 'cosy little family'. How did she know that you were unaware they had had sex? Did u tell her or did your hubby tell her that that is what he told u? And most importantly, which version makes most sense? 

It doesn't make sense to me that all they did was held each other and kissed. Sounds like a big fat lie.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Oh, and my questions were the why, when, did u love her, did u love me. Questions and answers to them created more questions, and so I asked more. Many of my questions were asked again and again, asked differently, to see if he would give me painful truths = be honest with me, to see if the answers changed = is he lying to me. I am a year on now and am seriously considering putting spyware on his phone to see if he continues anything. I almost believe him sometimes, but then I hit a major suspicion. I am not convinced he will ever be completely honest with me. I don't think he has it in him. There4 no trust. There4 no relationship. But I need bigger stuff to give me the backbone and conviction to leave him for good.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Only ask him the things you really want the answers to today!
Some things can always wait,
And maybe some things just don't need to be answered.
Think about how you will be able to deal with and proccess all the information also. 
There are some things I haven't asked my H. I simply don't want to know. Rug sweeping? Denial? Maybe but my heart is very fragile these days and I only ask for what I can deal with right now. The rest can wait !
Good luck
DG
X
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

oaksthorne said:


> Actually cheaters tend to look the BS right in the eye
> (according to some of the books about it) when they are lying. They try to establish eye contact to see if you are buying it. That was definitely what I experienced. He lied like a man running for congress. I didn't know he had it in him to be such an expert in deceit.


Very true!
My H down to a T!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

I always wanted to know: who started it?


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

BeenThereAndSuffering said:


> H had an EA with Coworker, he said the only physical acts between them was kissing, hugging and holding but when A was exposed and OW tried to contact him and couldn't, she called me and said they had had sex in his truck..he denies this, even swore on our kids' life..OWS committed suicide on one of the nights she was out with my H.


My Cheater husband claimed the same thing, only kissing and hugging, etc. 

It later turned out to be a lie. I found a receipt to a local hotel and a trip to San francisco and several other trips. 

On the other hand, the OW lied about still seeing him at times I knew he was with me. 

Just saying. IMO, the truth needs to be told for you to heal because otherwise the cheater is still gas lighting.

I do think it is possible for the OW to commit suicide over an EA, though. One counselor told me that most OW's are unstable. It is not in a woman's nature to cheat just for sex. They may really like the sex, but they always want more and most OW's are unstable. 

Men on the other hand will often want to end an affair when outed. Some men see cheating as a male right and a conquest.

Sorry, did not realize OWS meant other woman's spouse. Still the statement still applies to an OW that may commit suicide.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Remains said:


> My man swore on his daughter's life. He is an amazing Dad, absolutely dotes on his daughter, they have a great relationship and I am envious of it because I don't have that with my children. I think it is totally different when you have one though. More than one child changes things massively. So yeah, he would do absolutely anything for his daughter and he totally adores her.
> 
> I asked him something that I knew to be true to see if he would be honest with me. I asked him over and over again, in different ways to get him to be honest with me, and he outright lied. Total bullsh*t. So I asked him to swear on his daughter's life. He did. He lied again and swore on his daughter's life.
> 
> ...


The OW in my husbands cheating thing, always swore on her children, when caught in a lie.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

What I found to be interesting with my bf is that while he lied about some things ie "She was just a friend." on other occasions he would volunteer specific information. 

for example, when I said, it appears to me that every time she "likes" a concert that you mention on your FB and we didn't go together, she must have been with you. He said that that was not always true......but he did admit to going to a concert with her that he never mentioned on his FB wall nor to me at the time. (I suspect because he was getting tired of her "likes")

When I asked him about a couple of charges on his credit card statement, I mentioned that it appeared that he was closing a bar tab on one evening (this from someone who claims to have no friends in this town other than she) as it was a sports bar (they were watching a game as per the e-mails) and the menu online showed a very cheap menu. If drinks are GBP 3 and GBP 4 and hamburgers GBP6, that's a whole lot of eating and drinking for 2 people at GBP127. But.....he did admit that a lesser charge GBP75 (and at a more expensive place) was due to his closing a bar tab for her friends and he was really pissed off on that occasion.


ETA: He told me that he didn't find her physically attractive and definitely not sexually attractive. But then during that period, he withheld sex from me. While it doesn't appear that they had or even attempted sex during that period, my feeling is that he was contemplating the opportunity.

And after a series of questions, where he admitted that this "pity kiss" that she was referring to was not only initiated by him, but also admitted that he was more enthusiastic /passionate about it than she was. That's all I needed to know to realise that he was really into her and she liked keeping him around as eunuch.


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## BeenThereAndSuffering (Mar 12, 2012)

Here are some of the questions I have asked my WH and not in this order..lol..

Where were the places you took her?

Did you ever think about me?

Did you ever feel guilty?

What did you say to yourself to convince yourself that pursuing an affair was ok?

Has there been any contact with her?

Who all knew about the affair?

how far did it go? how many times?

Did you ever talk bad about me? if so, what was said?

what was it about her that attracted you to her?

did you ever talk about having a future together with her?

if you were unhappy in the marriage why not ask for a divorce so you could be free to be with whomever you choose?

did you ever take my kids around her?

how many times did you lie about your whereabouts to me so you could be with her?

did you ever tell her you loved her?

did she ever give you any gifts or you her?

when did the affair start?

who was the agressor?


Now you will have to ask these over and over until you get the truth unless your spouse is out of the fog and willing to be honest. I have more in my notebook that I will post later but it is important to only ask the questions that you can handle hearing the answers to, the rest you should save for a later time when the truth won't be to unbearable..


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

:iagree: I asked all of those as well.

Along with:

Do you have ANY feelings for her now?

If I was to D you, would you ever engage in an R with her again?


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## BeenThereAndSuffering (Mar 12, 2012)

2 important ones also are:

Do you still think about her?

Do you miss her?


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

why ask ? whats the logic ?


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> why ask ? whats the logic ?


I think the questions give you a window into the A. And if you ask them more than once and the answers change, well you know you're dealing with TT.

I think they also help to determine if your WS is remorseful.

Discussing the A opens the lines of communication between the spouses which can be the starting point for recovering the marriage. At least in my case, I found this to be true.


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## BeenThereAndSuffering (Mar 12, 2012)

Some people choose not to know any details, but I had to know..it was eating me alive and tearing me down, I felt like a fool, I could just picture them all pointing and laughing at me for not knowing..it was horrible and so were the mind movies. Asking the questions and getting the truth helped relieve some of the pain from heart and made life seem a little more bearable. Even after the A was over I felt that I was still competing for my H from this OW. I know it may seem silly and childish but having the answers made me feel better and realize that she never really stood a chance in the first place and if you want to know how I know that the only thing I can say is I just know.


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## Martin12 (Apr 27, 2012)

BeenThereAndSuffering said:


> Some people choose not to know any details, but I had to know..it was eating me alive and tearing me down, I felt like a fool, I could just picture them all pointing and laughing at me for not knowing..it was horrible and so were the mind movies. Asking the questions and getting the truth helped relieve some of the pain from heart and made life seem a little more bearable. Even after the A was over I felt that I was still competing for my H from this OW. I know it may seem silly and childish but having the answers made me feel better and realize that she never really stood a chance in the first place and if you want to know how I know that the only thing I can say is I just know.


Exactly the way I have been feeling, except that I've had to investigate and dig to breach each and every one of her serial lies, and then she complains about the investigations.

I still am not sure if she really prefers me to the OM, her answers to the question, "why are you choosing me?" are weak and ambivalent.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

It is annoying how once you've gotten some information, you put that together and then you find another aspect that needs piecing together.

For example, I planned and made dinner for my boyfriend for his birthday; the exact chocolate cake he wanted and so on.

He had been to his parents for 2 weeks but before he had left, we had had sex. I didn't realise how low his housekeeping skills were, so I decided to ask about the condom in the trash can.

While, on the one hand, I do believe that that condom was from when we had sex, his response at that moment suggested that he definitely had someone else on his mind "I have not had sex with anyone else, and if I decide to do so, I will let you know."

Well, I had put so much effort into the evening, I decided not belabor that.

So after all this info about his EA that came out, I learned

He had completely forgotten what I had done for his birthday ie: "I went out with her because I did not know how you felt about me." "You mean what I did for your b-day, accounts for nothing?" "Oh, what did you do?"

Yet, he remembered enough from the evening to tell his EA about the condom in the trash can story.

So 2 questions come out of this that I am wondering if or when I should ask:

1. How is it that you could remember the condom in the trash can incident that evening but nothing else?

2. In what spirit did you tell your EA that story. Were you telling here, look here at this 50 year old woman who has nerve to try to tie me down. His EA is 21 years younger than I am, and liked to make an issue of age from time to time.

Or was it in the spirit of: Look here, I may have had sex with her, but since I am telling you this story, I can show you that I don't care much about her and you still have a chance with me.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> why ask ? whats the logic ?


I agree. 

I asked the same questions myself, but the answers to these two questions are rather obvious. 

Of course they think about it and misses it, probably always will, it is how they are dealing with these facts that matters.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

BeenThereAndSuffering said:


> Did you ever feel guilty?
> 
> What did you say to yourself to convince yourself that pursuing an affair was ok?
> 
> ...


These are 3 I have not asked yet,,,,Yet will!! Thanks.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Numb in Ohio said:


> These are 3 I have not asked yet,,,,Yet will!! Thanks.


What made you think it was ok to pursue the Affair? Thats one I didnt think to ask yet.
I wish I knew why this is so damn hard to get over,wonder if I can.ugh
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Hers was a long distance EA but were making plans to take it to PA. Before I found out all the evidence:


How long have you been talking to him? - She said she had only been talking to him for 2 months. I found out later it had been 7 months when I discovered it was going on.
Did you tell him you love him? - She swore she NEVER told him anything like that, that it was all him and it was one sided from his end. I would later discover that it was her that first said "I love you" and she said it to him ALL THE TIME with every message. And that was only the messages I saw. They used to talk practically all night. I can only imagine what she said to him. She was the aggressor. 
Did you have phone sex/cyber sex with him? - She adamantly denies this. But they used to skype and talk all night during the weekends, so I don't know. From her messages, she was telling him that she can't wait to sleep with him and be his wife.
What does he have that I don't have? - She can't answer this one. I found out I'm superior in every way to him, he's just an old flame and that she said he made her feel like a teenager again.
Did you think you can just leave me and the kids and ride off into the sunset with him and nothing was going to happen? - She was making concrete plans to make her escape and if I didn't find out until I came home and she disappeared. I've told her if she wants, I'll pack her bags and buy her plane tickets myself and drop her off at the airport. 
Did you EVER talk bad about me? - On DDay, when I first discovered the affair, I was on her facebook account and I pretended to be her. He referred to me as the fat guy (I'm not, I'm just not skinny as a rail like him) weighing her down. I'm not stupid. He wouldn't be able to say that about me unless she was ok with it or said it herself. On the other hand, I never saw anything like that in her message and emails to him. Maybe when they were on the phone.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> [*]Did you EVER talk bad about me? - On DDay, when I first discovered the affair, I was on her facebook account and I pretended to be her. He referred to me as the fat guy (I'm not, I'm just not skinny as a rail like him) weighing her down. I'm not stupid. He wouldn't be able to say that about me unless she was ok with it or said it herself. On the other hand, I never saw anything like that in her message and emails to him. Maybe when they were on the phone.
> [/LIST]


Your Lordship, I'm not so sure about that assumption. I've made some less than kind observations about the appearance of my bf's EA (beached whale, Grandma tits.....). Other than his telling me that he did not find her physically attractive, he never made any specific comments about her.


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## BeenThereAndSuffering (Mar 12, 2012)

Here are some more questions I asked....

Why was I the last to know?

Has there been anyone else besides this one person?

Are you sorry you did it or just sorry you got caught?

Is this a isolated incident or a new behaviour?

What did you share about us?

what did you like about yourself in the affair?


As I said I have more I just need to find my notebook I have a ton in it and I will continue to post them as I hope everyone else will the ones they asked as well..


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

NextTimeAround said:


> Your Lordship, I'm not so sure about that assumption. I've made some less than kind observations about the appearance of my bf's EA (beached whale, Grandma tits.....). Other than his telling me that he did not find her physically attractive, he never made any specific comments about her.


I've made comments about OM myself. But what did your BF say to his AP about you? Did he badmouth you to her?


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> Your Lordship, I'm not so sure about that assumption. I've made some less than kind observations about the appearance of my bf's EA (beached whale, Grandma tits.....). Other than his telling me that he did not find her physically attractive, he never made any specific comments about her.


My spouse claimed he did not find the OW physically attractive, but the emails say otherwise.

All cheating spouses lie about that. They also lie, if they say they never still think about the lover. 

It's normal to think about someone you had sex with or dated. 

They both had a loving relationship, an illicit one, but one nonetheless. 

I worked in the Advertising industry, so I don't think the OW in my case is the type that most men would find attractive. So, I do not feel threatened by her appearance and sometimes the fact that she was not all that attractive really irks me. 

Obviously my STBEH was hot for her. Perhaps it was because she was alway talking about sex when with him from day one. 

Early in the relationship, She offered to take him to a men's club and she also talked about threesomes and girl on girl sex.

The fact that my husband was dating another woman while married to me and not only thinking but acting on such thoughts really insults and hurts me. 

It's normal to be attracted to someone of the opposite sex occasionally. 

It's totally another thing to act on it and sneak around like two giddy teenagers in a fantasy world of deception while married to an unsuspecting spouse.

I have more respect for people who have open marriages. It's not for me, but at least both agreed to go outside the marriage and date and have sex while married.


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> I worked in the Advertising industry, so I don't think the OW in my case is the type that most men would find attractive. So, I do not feel threatened by her appearance and sometimes the fact that she was not all that attractive really irks me.



Good to know I'm not the only one.

My H's ex-OW looks like Olive Oil (albeit the flabby, dumpy version) wearing a blonde stringy wig AND missing a nipple (no, not kidding).

How on earth he found that pathetic, needy, call our house 10 times in a row, STALKER more attractive than working things out with his wife, who is ten times more attractive (and has two nipples) is beyond me. And yes, it irks me too.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> I've made comments about OM myself. But what did your BF say to his AP about you? Did he badmouth you to her?


He told her personal things about our sex life. Specifically, that we had had sex only once .......so her reason why he should drop me. I also found a condom in his trash can and I asked to be sure that that was from us. He told her about that as well.

I can't find anything in writing in which he described what I looked like, neither objectively nor his opinion. I did see the text exchange between them after I had sent her an e-mail since he was trying to prove to me that he split the cost of the trip. A forwarded e-mail had her e-mail address on it.

She made a point of saying that she was 21 years younger than me and she would never do that. But she does do immature things like inquire about other people's sex life. My bf reassured him that I am very nice in person.


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