# Holding on to Marriage



## LearningLife (May 28, 2014)

I'm sorry this is going to be long.

I am a guy in my late 20s. I married my girlfriend of 7 years whom i met in college. And recently, we had a baby.

The problem is my wife has always been too clingy. She wants me to be with her all the time. This means i have no longer time for friends / social activities. To make matters worse, she do not like my friends. This means she will not go with me now will she let me go alone. Even work related stuffs outside normal office hours is a problem.

Despite working in a large organization, she do not have close friends of her own. She refuse to join work related social activities / just hang out with her colleagues. I tried to encourage her to make friends but she just cant.

I've raised my displeasure several times but nothing is changing.

I've thought of leaving a few times but I don't want my new born to live in a broken family. So I'm holding on.

I'm hoping to get some descent advise from seniors here on how to deal with this.

Regards,
No Name


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> The problem is my wife has always been too clingy.


You chose to marry her knowing that she's clingy. So why is this bothering you _now_, when it didn't bother you before? What's different now? What has changed?


----------



## LearningLife (May 28, 2014)

norajane said:


> You chose to marry her knowing that she's clingy. So why is this bothering you _now_, when it didn't bother you before? What's different now? What has changed?



Well, it did bothered me. After about 4 years of dating, this became a big issue and we broke up.. However, things changed and we got back together. She was more relaxed till the day we got married. Now it has started again.

Is it normal for women to be clingy? Does it mean men have to just bear with it and live like this forever?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

A bit more detail is needed.

How many hours a week do you spend with your wife, just the two of you doing things together that you enjoy?

How many hours are family hours with the baby and you two?


----------



## LearningLife (May 28, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> A bit more detail is needed.
> 
> How many hours a week do you spend with your wife, just the two of you doing things together that you enjoy?
> 
> How many hours are family hours with the baby and you two?


I drop her at work at about 8 am and off to work my self. Pick her back at 6:30 and all the time with her. Reach home at 7/7:30 and we're with baby. Weekends i'm with her.


----------



## johny1989 (May 21, 2014)

I think you should have to talk with her and try to tell her very politely that you have also another life with out her and like works and other stuff and just sit with her and make a time table and ask her how much time she wants to be with you and adjust with it your work time and you other times likes friends and meetings and tell her she has to cooperate with it because you can't stay with her every single moment but yeah if there is weekends it will be possible, because of works and other stuff.. just be clear with her and talk with her very politely and try to make her understand so she will understand that and may be she will give you some space..


----------



## LearningLife (May 28, 2014)

johny1989 said:


> I think you should have to talk with her and try to tell her very politely that you have also another life with out her and like works and other stuff and just sit with her and make a time table and ask her how much time she wants to be with you and adjust with it your work time and you other times likes friends and meetings and tell her she has to cooperate with it because you can't stay with her every single moment but yeah if there is weekends it will be possible, because of works and other stuff.. just be clear with her and talk with her very politely and try to make her understand so she will understand that and may be she will give you some space..


Tried that... Didn't work... simply ends up with an argument


----------



## LearningLife (May 28, 2014)

Still waiting for some tips from a man who has gone through the same thing


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Leaving her because you want more free time? Come on.

I think you are just going to have to be patient. She really likes being with you, it seems. And you two have a child together. Being a father means giving up some free time, at least for a while.

Keep talking with her. Actually, mostly try to get her talking, and then really listen.

How about doing activities she enjoys, and trying to meet some friends she likes through those? If she starts to feel comfortable with other people, she will be less clingy. 

Making some boundaries and pursuing your own interests is just going to blow up on you, I think. Try the softer approaches first.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Dude you are a young couple with a young kid at home.

Of course she's nesting and wants to focus on family time.

Here's a tip from a dad who's kids are a few years older than yours: treasure this time and find fun stuff to do as a family.

I also went through the "I don't get time with my buddies and my wife doesn't like my friends" thing when we first had kids.

Turns out I had two groups of friends: those that have kids, and those that don't. Those that don't won't understand what your responsibilities are but if they are true friends will still stand by you and your family. The ones with kids will get it and you'll do dad stuff together.

The others will fall to the wayside.

Go and find fun stuff to do as a family. I'm not saying do your own thing once in a while, but make it once a week or less I'd say.


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

LearningLife said:


> I'm sorry this is going to be long.
> 
> I am a guy in my late 20s. I married my girlfriend of 7 years whom i met in college. And recently, we had a baby.
> 
> ...


Learn to be her best friend and have her as your best friend. I have always believed that one's spouse is one's best friend. It seems you have failed in that one.


----------



## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Personally I think you will be healthier if you find activities to do on your own. Obviously your family is priority but I don't think it's healthy to spend every waking moment with them. You need time away. It's all about balance.

Rather than getting into an argument with her just make plans and do it. She's not your mother. Assuming you're not abandoning your child you don't need her permission to do things. Make sure you're fair and also make it possible for her to get away and do things on her own while you hold down the fort at home. If she chooses not to take advantage it's her loss.


----------



## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

baby? yeah, stressful time for everyone involved. give her some time to get used to taking care of the kid alone (and you learn too!).

once the baby is old enough for play dates, mom will find other moms to befriend, etc.

hang in there


----------



## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Sounds to me like you are experiencing pretty normal adjustments in the transition from being a couple to being parents. It seems like she's entirely focused on the family now that things have changed, and expects you to do the same, while you might think nothing in your life has to change.

Yes, it's good to have interests outside the marriage, but if she doesn't have many, or doesn't feel they are as high priority as the baby, then she's going to feel that something is unfair when you still want to pursue yours.

Some questions to ponder:

Does she get time away from the baby that isn't work time? She may be feeling overwhelmed by new motherhood. This really happens. Make sure to do your share of looking after the baby on a solo basis, and she'll be more willing to do the same while you are out.

What are your friends like and what do you do with them? If they are a bunch of carefree guys who just want you to go out drinking with them, then she may feel that this is no longer appropriate behaviour for a married guy with a baby. And she's probably right. If they are a bunch of carefree girls who want you to go out drinking with them, that's even worse! Are her reasons for not liking your friends valid?

What friends did she have in the time after it got better and before you got married? Is she still in touch with any of them? Do any of them have young children?

I would suggest first, not forgetting that you are still a couple, and not just new parents. Find things to do together that don't revolve around the baby.

If she's not good at making friends, don't just force her to try harder. That will never work. Maybe you can invite another couple you know over for a movie night or something similar. Then it's not you with your friends, it's you as a couple, hanging out with mutual friends, and you don't even need a babysitter. Even better if you can find another couple who also have a baby. Then you can take turns babysitting while the other has couple time.

If you can assure your wife that she and the baby are your main priorities (and they aren't the same priority, they are two individual ones), no matter what happens, she'll feel better about your other, lesser, priorities, such as having friends.

Try getting out with your friends once a month or something, to start with. If you make sure to have a special night with your wife on a weekly basis, one guy night a month won't be as concerning to her. Plus, you should also make it a night that will be enjoyable to her as well, and not just hours of her being alone trying to get the baby to fall asleep while you are out having fun. That sure breeds resentment!

Basically, when you tell her you want to go do something without her or the baby, she hears that she's the one who has to do all the child-rearing while you're the one who gets to have all the fun. It makes her feel as loved and valued as a nanny.

What do you think splitting up would accomplish anyway? Are you doing the fifties thing of assuming she'll do all the parenting and you'll just pay child support?


----------



## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

LearningLife said:


> Still waiting for some tips from a man who has gone through the same thing


This might sound a little cynical, but I would say enjoy this period of your life and her craving to be with you as much as possible. It won't last and you'll miss it when it's gone.


----------



## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

I don't know if it's the exact same thing but I thought my wife was a high maintenance b!tch. Had do everything together. It took me a few years reshape that into she doesn't do so well if I don't pay enough attention to her therefore I really need to make sure I pay enough attention to her. Saying her main love language is quality time is much easier. 

Check out the 5 love languages. It may be helpful to you. We'll be married 22 years and now I really don't like to be separated from her.


----------



## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Well, you are free to do what you want. However, just know that she may not always want to spend time with you. If you ignore her enough, she will find someone else who is interested in spending time with her. 

She may feel like she gave up a lot to become a mother. You may feel like you gave up a lot to become a father. Both of you gave up a lot. It just seems like she is more into you than you are into her. 

I don't see how it could be a problem for you to go have fun with your friends like twice a month or something, but seriously, you have responsibilities now. Free time goes out the window with young kids. Sorry.


----------



## Counterfit (Feb 2, 2014)

LearningLife said:


> .........She was more relaxed till the day we got married. Now it has started again.......


She pulled the old 'swichero on you"........women do this all of the time when they are seeking to get the contract signed (the contract of marriage that is).....

The bottom line is that she pretened to be who she was not so you would marry her.......now that you are married she can relax and be the "real her".

The woman you see now is the real her.............and that will never change.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Is either of you a first or second generation immigrant?

Such insecurities and clinginess are not unusual, mostly due to lack of a social circle and opportunity to build people interaction skills.


----------



## LearningLife (May 28, 2014)

ReidWright said:


> baby? yeah, stressful time for everyone involved. give her some time to get used to taking care of the kid alone (and you learn too!).
> 
> once the baby is old enough for play dates, mom will find other moms to befriend, etc.
> 
> hang in there



I'm hoping for this to happen


----------



## LearningLife (May 28, 2014)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> Sounds to me like you are experiencing pretty normal adjustments in the transition from being a couple to being parents. It seems like she's entirely focused on the family now that things have changed, and expects you to do the same, while you might think nothing in your life has to change.
> 
> Yes, it's good to have interests outside the marriage, but if she doesn't have many, or doesn't feel they are as high priority as the baby, then she's going to feel that something is unfair when you still want to pursue yours.
> 
> ...



That was a lot to think about. thanks man... Really appreciate it


----------



## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

People here may say your wife has issues.

Personally I think once you reach a certain age the constant socializing with friends needs to end and you focus on your marriage and young family.

But that's just me and I know most people dont think that way.


----------



## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

sinnister said:


> People here may say your wife has issues.
> 
> Personally I think once you reach a certain age the constant socializing with friends needs to end and you focus on your marriage and young family.
> 
> But that's just me and I know most people dont think that way.


Thats largely my view.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MedRepMom (May 15, 2014)

A woman's perspective: we had four kids while in our twenties. I can tell you that with each one I got clingy for ,at least, the first six months. I didn't feel secure with taking care of each kid- I just didn't think I could do it alone for an hour or two. My poor husband did nothing with friends for years. Now the kids are older and he has made his own friends. All is good. It was definitely a power struggle because we both worked and I was just exhausted. I don't really like to spend time with friends but I like to be alone a lot to run, bike, read... I wasn't getting to do that and felt like we both should sacrifice so I *****ed a lot. Time has passed and we both have slowly gotten a life back. You will, too. It takes time. You will need to probably let go of the drinking buddies for a short time. They will have the same issue when they have their own kids.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


----------



## Juve779 (May 31, 2014)

I think you both have to seat down and talk about the issue as two mature persons. You both have to communicate your needs and you both have to trust each other. She seems not to have trust in you, but again I'm not sure if you have giving her a motive to not trust you. Trust is a big part in any relationship. Another thing that can help, you both need to find a couple with kids that have similar likes and interests to you both and interact with them. That could help your wife with making friends. I hope this helps. Try to workout things out and try anything before consider in letting go your marriage. Personally, I have problems with my wife, but we are really working at it I love my wife and my son and would do anything to keep our marriage safe. 





LearningLife said:


> I'm sorry this is going to be long.
> 
> I am a guy in my late 20s. I married my girlfriend of 7 years whom i met in college. And recently, we had a baby.
> 
> ...


----------



## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Tip 1: Grow up. You got married and had a baby. You knew who you were marrying and you knew you were having a baby. This was al your choice. Live with your choices.

Tip 2: Find a compromise. You're not going to hang out with your friends as much as you want, this ain't your single days anymore. Your wife and baby are your #1 priority now. But you can still find time to hang out and have a life with yourself. Maybe you need one night a week, or a weekend day every other week or something like that for yourself. 

Tip 3: Find more things that you enjoy doing with your wife. 

Tip 4: When a baby is little it needs a ton of attention and your wife will need a ton of help. It will get easier later so just suck it up for a while.


----------



## long_done (Jun 5, 2014)

I think time apart is healthy and needed in a relationship, even with a baby.

Two people spending all the time together is not healthy. You need to give each other space, to go outside the relationship and get some external stimulation. This will refresh you and allow you to come back into the relationship with your spouse with a new perspective, that allows you to appreciate your spouse much more.

I disagree that you have to resign to being with the 1 person for all your time even when the baby is so young. The majority of the time should be with the spouse, but both you and her need an outlet from time to time, be it once or twice a week.

If your wife is too clingy and does not like you going out even once a week for an hour or two to spend time with your friends, provided it's just a social gathering to do a guy's stuff, then your wife needs to see a counselor and deal with her clinginess issues. She should see the time apart as a fun time for her to de-stress, do the things she really wants to do, and for you two to miss each other while you're apart.

I'm kind of shocked by the advice from those who think you should have no other friends or outlets with the wife... this is not normal or healthy.


----------

