# Very Frustrated



## Mcg47 (Jun 11, 2021)

Hi, I'm new on here so go easy on me. 

The wife and I have been married for 7 years and the sex used to be good and very regular. Now it's anything but. It went from 3/4 times per week to an average of about once every 3 weeks or so. We haven't had sex in over a month at this point. A month which included my birthday! 

My wife used to be a lot more sexual. She would have bought lingerie etc to keep things spicy. Lately it's different though. She's put on weight over the last few years with us having children and that has definitely knocked her confidence (which she never had a lot of anyways). We have talked about her weight and it does get her down. I've tried helping her with it by cooking healthier meals and encouraging her to get out and exercise but she doesn't want to know. 

It's got to the point where now my confidence in the bedroom has been knocked as well. There is only so much rejection I can take. Now I don't even ask for it anymore. I masturbate most days now instead of trying to have sex. 

I did try and spice things up. I bought various toys which only got used a few times. We sat and watched porn once to see if that would spark anything. I'm surprising her to a romantic night away in a few weeks to see if this can breath life into our sexless marriage.

Not sure what else to do at this point. Any advice would be welcome.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Buy “The Dead Bedroom Fix” by @dadstartingover it will get you started. You may also need “Married Man’s Sex Life Primer” from Athol Kay as well as other references but start with the first one.


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## Arbr14 (Apr 26, 2021)

Following this. My husband and I have been together 6 yrs but will be married 2 yrs in October and I have a similar issue with him. I don’t know what to do anymore either. We don’t have kids though. He hasn’t gained weight I went from 98lbs to 125lb in the last 3 years but I don’t know if that has anything to do with it or not at this point.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

Read this: *The Dead Bedroom Fix.*


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## Arbr14 (Apr 26, 2021)

dadstartingover said:


> Read this: *The Dead Bedroom Fix.*


Seems to be only from the perspective of a husband getting his wife to put out. My husband is the one not putting out, how is this book going to help me with that?
Is it applicable to flip the roles and still work?


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

Arbr14 said:


> Seems to be only from the perspective of a husband getting his wife to put out. My husband is the one not putting out, how is this book going to help me with that?
> Is it applicable to flip the roles and still work?


No, the book is for men only.


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## Mcg47 (Jun 11, 2021)

I have read the Dead Bedroom Fix and using the advice from it. That's why I'm surprising her on a night away in a few weeks. Get her away from the kids. 

I am an athletic man and already in good shape as I hit the gym most days so not much improvement needed from that point of view. 

I have improved on certain things since reading the book like the affection I give my wife but so far it hasn't worked but I will keep on trying.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

It’s more like turning a ship than turning a car. Give it some time.

If you’re already prepared to leave you can accelerate things. If not, get a MAP together (read the other reference) and follow it until you are prepared to potentially leave.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Mcg47 said:


> My wife used to be a lot more sexual. She would have bought lingerie etc to keep things spicy. Lately it's different though. She's put on weight over the last few years with us having children and that has definitely knocked her confidence (which she never had a lot of anyways). We have talked about her weight and it does get her down. I've tried helping her with it by cooking healthier meals and encouraging her to get out and exercise but she doesn't want to know.
> .


I don’t know what all women are like, but I do know what I am like. In order for me to want sex, I need to feel like I am desirable. She may be viewing you cooking her healthier meals as you saying she is not desirable and needs to change. That’s gonna kill her sex drive. 

I think you might be able to work around that (as obviously you should not stop cooking healthier meals). First make sure you are not pointing out why you are cooking healthy meals. Just do it. Keep encouraging her to go on walks with you, but not because she needs to lose weight, but because you like spending time with her. 

And then start complimenting her. All damn day. Tell her hair looks nice, her butt looks good in those jeans, you really like that dress she is wearing etc. Kiss her on the cheek and tell her she smells nice. Don’t over do it. One or two a day is enough. No more, or it won’t seem real. If she complains about her weight, listen to her and tell her if she wants your support you are happy to support her, but you think she is sexy as hell as she is right now. 

Gotta play the long game. Her weight has nothing to do with the fact that she is a sexual being. 

But don’t push for sex. Make her feel sexy but don’t associate that with you being horny. Because she will then just assume that it’s because you want sex, not that you want “her.” And believe me, it makes a difference for women. 


I don’t know if this would work on your wife, but I do know it would have worked on me. For me, my sex drive was very much linked to my perceived desirability. And foreplay really did start long before we ever got to the bedroom.


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## Mcg47 (Jun 11, 2021)

BlueWoman said:


> I don’t know what all women are like, but I do know what I am like. In order for me to want sex, I need to feel like I am desirable. She may be viewing you cooking her healthier meals as you saying she is not desirable and needs to change. That’s gonna kill her sex drive.
> 
> I think you might be able to work around that (as obviously you should not stop cooking healthier meals). First make sure you are not pointing out why you are cooking healthy meals. Just do it. Keep encouraging her to go on walks with you, but not because she needs to lose weight, but because you like spending time with her.
> 
> ...


I have improved on the affection I give my wife. It was always something I fell short on. I tell her things like she looks great and give her a kiss every now and then. More than I used to. 

The cooking thing was more her idea as I am the person who does most of the cooking in the house. She brought up conversation of her weight as I would never bring it up. She asked me to cook more healthy meals to help her out. 

Her weight seems to be her biggest issue in my opinion. She doesn't want me to see her naked as she thinks it will disgust me. She's told me this and it's annoying as I don't think this at all. It stops her from even going out for a walk or going to the gym as she feels people will be judging her being overweight.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

ccpowerslave said:


> Buy “The Dead Bedroom Fix” by @dadstartingover it will get you started. You may also need “Married Man’s Sex Life Primer” from Athol Kay as well as other references but start with the first one.


Can’t speak personally for the Dead Bedroom Fix, but Married Man’s Sex Life Primer is highly recommended.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Mcg47 said:


> I have improved on the affection I give my wife. It was always something I fell short on. I tell her things like she looks great and give her a kiss every now and then. More than I used to.


 Good. Keep it up.



> The cooking thing was more her idea as I am the person who does most of the cooking in the house. She brought up conversation of her weight as I would never bring it up. She asked me to cook more healthy meals to help her out.


 And that's good too. That may help her with her weight. Don't stop doing it, just recognize that you don't want to make a big deal out of it. (Note: I doubt you are making a big deal out of it.) 



> Her weight seems to be her biggest issue in my opinion. She doesn't want me to see her naked as she thinks it will disgust me. She's told me this and it's annoying as I don't think this at all. It stops her from even going out for a walk or going to the gym as she feels people will be judging her being overweight.


It's not her weight that is the issue, it's her perception of how her weight impacts her that is the issue. Her perception is what is stopping her from having a healthy and happy sex life or going out for a walk. Keep doing what you are doing, but consider that this may be bigger than you. She may need counseling to address her skewed perceptions. You obviously don't think she's unattractive, so she has a distorted image of what she looks like. If that's the case, I'm not really sure what you should do. Try to get her into marriage counseling, and possibly IC. But also, let her know that she is introducing a threat to your marriage. It's small right now, but it can turn into something very destructive to your marriage.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

There are some good articles that could help here: Sex Drive Archives - Uncovering Intimacy


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> It’s more like turning a ship than turning a car. Give it some time.
> 
> If you’re already prepared to leave you can accelerate things. If not, get a MAP together (read the other reference) and follow it until you are prepared to potentially leave.


Too bad you don't mean turning a speed boat. 😉

OP, don't give up on the quick fix all at once.

Tell him it's on, as you're getting naked, or when naked.

And you're starting with or without him, and do so.

Just to see what happens.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Mcg47 said:


> I have read the Dead Bedroom Fix and using the advice from it. That's why I'm surprising her on a night away in a few weeks. Get her away from the kids.
> 
> I am an athletic man and already in good shape as I hit the gym most days so not much improvement needed from that point of view.
> 
> I have improved on certain things since reading the book like the affection I give my wife but so far it hasn't worked but I will keep on trying.


Still take it up a notch. Unless you were at the Olympia last year, there's always the next level.


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## Mcg47 (Jun 11, 2021)

Al_Bundy said:


> Still take it up a notch. Unless you were at the Olympia last year, there's always the next level.


Yes I won it last year haha

Fair point, I'll take it up a notch.


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## Mcg47 (Jun 11, 2021)

BlueWoman said:


> Good. Keep it up.
> 
> And that's good too. That may help her with her weight. Don't stop doing it, just recognize that you don't want to make a big deal out of it. (Note: I doubt you are making a big deal out of it.)
> 
> ...


I had thought about saying that she may need help. I'm certainly out of my depth beyond what I am currently doing.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Mcg47 said:


> Hi, I'm new on here so go easy on me.
> 
> The wife and I have been married for 7 years and the sex used to be good and very regular. Now it's anything but. It went from 3/4 times per week to an average of about once every 3 weeks or so. We haven't had sex in over a month at this point. *A month which included my birthday!*
> 
> ...





Mcg47 said:


> I have read the Dead Bedroom Fix and using the advice from it. That's why *I'm surprising her on a night away *in a few weeks. Get her away from the kids.
> 
> ......I have improved on certain things since reading the book like* the affection I give my wife but so far it hasn't worked *but I will keep on trying.


Dear Mcg47;

You sound like a really Nice Guy. That is not meant as a complement. 

Once upon a time when I was in a sex starved marriage, I too was a Nice Guy. After reading Glover's Book No More Mr. Nice Guy and then studying MW Davis book the Sex Starved Marriage, I realized that I was a Nice Guy and that was a big part of why I wasn't getting the sex and emotional connection with my wife that I wanted.

Let me tell you the four hardest parts of no longer being a Nice Guy. The first was to really forgive my wife for all the pain I blamed on her. The second was to recognize that I could not change anything about her, she had to want and initiate the change. The third was that my worth or self-image should not be based on a codependency where I am validated by my wife's sexual desire for me. Finally, and perhaps the hardest was to understand what a "covert contract" was and how destructive they are to a relationship.

A covert contract is where you say if I do "X" my wife will surely have sex with me. Then you go about doing "X" (cooking, doing chores around the house, doing romantic gestures like taking her away for a weekend) without telling her that you have created an implied contract in your head where if you do something she has to have sex with you. She never agreed to the contract, she may (but probably not) be even aware you have any expectations for her participating in this "contract." The problem is you do your part of the contract, but since she has never seen the contract nor has she agreed to it, she has no intention of doing what you expect.

You feel used and abused. Most Nice Guys will then double down and do twice as much "X." such as doing the cooking, laundry, vaccuming, etc. in their covert contract and expect that will get her attention. Again without discussing the negotiated arrangement. You probably know that if you said to her, "Honey, if I take you out for a romantic weekend, I expect you to start having regular sex with me several times a week." .......she would laugh at you and say she didn't want to go on a romantic weekend as she doesn't want to have sex with you on a regular basis. And that may be why you don't discuss your covert contract with her.

Another reason is that as David Schnarch likes to say long term married couples don't have a communication problem. They communicate near perfectly in one sense. They can complete each others sentences, they know what their partner is thinking based on facial expressions, body language, tone of voice. This means that very shortly after you implement your covert contract plan, she will know what you want and know why you are doing what you are doing. At that point, depending on your relationship, she will probably think this guy thinks I am going to prostitute myself for a weekend at a hotel? Or she may say, it is about time this guy started to do the cooking or taking on his fair share of the chores and there is no way I am going to reward that with sex.

*"Not sure what else to do at this point. Any advice would be welcome." 

My advice: Read Glover's book NMMNG and MW Davis book the Sex Starved Marriage. Both tell you how to "Get a Life" or become a more integrated man who is more confident and no longer a clingy needy codependent person hanging onto his wife. You will be presented with some 180's to try and figure out how you can change the dynamic in your relationship, but in a way of your wife's choosing (not yours) and how you can provide positive feedback to her changes you like. My other suggestion is to book some sessions with a really good sex therapist who is a marriage counselor with extra training, because sex seems to be a focal point for the real underlying problem in your relationship, and that problem is not sex but something else. Your perceived sexual problem is just the resulting symptom of the underlying problem.

Good luck. *


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## Mcg47 (Jun 11, 2021)

Young at Heart said:


> Dear Mcg47;
> 
> You sound like a really Nice Guy. That is not meant as a complement.
> 
> ...


No offense to you but you are talking rubbish. I am not a person who thinks I should deserve sex for doing chores around the house etc. As with any 2 people in a romantic relationship, intimacy is important. I am not a dog looking for a treate for being a good boy. 

The main issue seems to be her lack of confidence due to weight gain. She doesn't like me seeing her naked as she thinks I'll be disgusted by it, which is far from the truth. This is an issue which she will need to work hard at to get over. As her loving husband, I will help her if she needs me to do something. A good partner will always help out if asked.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Mcg47 said:


> No offense to you but you are talking rubbish. I am not a person who thinks I should deserve sex for doing chores around the house etc. As with any 2 people in a romantic relationship, intimacy is important. I am not a dog looking for a treate for being a good boy.
> 
> The main issue seems to be her lack of confidence due to weight gain. She doesn't like me seeing her naked as she thinks I'll be disgusted by it, which is far from the truth. This is an issue which she will need to work hard at to get over. As her loving husband, I will help her if she needs me to do something. A good partner will always help out if asked.


I think it sounds like you are doing everything right. I've dealt with this to a much lesser extent with my wife. She actually isn't overweight, but the way her weight is distributed gives her a bit of a belly. She hates it, but I don't think it is a big deal. In fact I regularly tell her I love every inch of her. I go so far as to purposely put my hand on her belly while we are in bed going to sleep. That belly is part of her, so I love it as much as the rest of her. I think regularly giving genuine and sincere complements have gone a long way. And only a small portion of those compliments focus on her physical beauty.
The difficult part is trying to get her to understand her value to you is not tied to her physical appearance alone. You want her for the whole package, not just the wrapping. Somehow she has to realize that chasing the perfect body is a losing endeavor. There are supermodels with body image issues. It is really more of a psychological issue than a physical issue. 

My best advice is sincere compliments that are about more than just appearance
no criticism of her appearance, constructive or otherwise 
respect, but don't reinforce her image issues

Give it time and if it doesn't seem to be getting better then consider counseling.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

BlueWoman said:


> It's not her weight that is the issue, it's her perception of how her weight impacts her that is the issue.


I would say it's probably both. We don't know how heavy the wife is. Until she loses weight and feels good about herself, the husband is destined to a highly unsatisfactory sex life. No compliment will make things right. I've been there.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

As I'm sure you're aware, this is common. I hear this ALL the time. 


Wife gains weight with baby
Husband really doesn't care all that much, thinks she's great... sure, she could lose a few pounds... but who couldn't!? He's still crazy about her.
Wife doesn't care what he thinks. She still hates herself.
So... what's interesting is that there's a growing subset of this "wife hates her weight" group that I usually hear from after it's too late. That situation goes like this:


Wife gains weight with baby.
Husband assures wife that she is awesome and loves her to pieces and wants her every day.
Wife doesn't care. Hates herself.
Wife is convinced by a friend to join her at CrossFit gym. 
Wife goes and loves the gym and the new group of friends. They really push her to get better. Trainers are quick to point out that she should be making better gains in the gym and in weight loss. She needs to bump things up a notch or two. She dutifully obeys.
Wife looks like a million bucks. Completely different woman. New confidence. New look. Husband is amazed... but also a little concerned about the obvious "she's hot - he's not" dynamic they have going on. 
Wife starts drifting away from husband. 
Affair(s) discovered.
So... there's something to the CrossFit group and the trainers that we can learn from. Tough love. Setting an example. Getting a tribe involved. It's a tough balancing act, as the husband. As far as societal norms are concerned, a man saying to the wife, "Yep, you're fat. Let's do something about it" is not exactly praise-worthy. At the same time, if a woman were to sit her man down and say, "I'm worried about you. You're gained a lot of weight and you keep mentioning it but you do nothing about it. It's not good for your health and it's not a good example for the kids. Frankly, it's not attractive, either. I know you're better than this"... she would have a chorus of people applauding her. Just the way it is.


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