# My Ex is trying to set me up as a harrasser, what do I do?



## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

I just found out that my former spouse whom I have never abused, hit or done anything untowards is stating stuff on facebook like 'please dont tell him where I am now living' implying that I am some sort of thug or bad person and now I wonder what she is telling my children about me. Is there any defense against this type of behaviour?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

next time you see her in person keep a VAR on you person.

If you have copies of evidence that proves her affair then expose it to family and friends and inform them that she is rewriting the marraige history to avoid the guilt of her affair and that you want to clear the air in what is really going on.

How old are the kids?

You may want to talk to your lawyer and find your option on how to legally stop her from ruining your reputation.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I wouldn't take, 'please dont tell him where I am now living', as saying you are an abuser. 

Maybe she just doesn't want you knowing where she is because she knows you would be tempted to go there and reach out to her. Not necessarily to beat her up, just pressure her to talk to you.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

bigtone128 said:


> I just found out that my former spouse whom I have never abused, hit or done anything untowards is stating stuff on facebook like 'please dont tell him where I am now living' implying that I am some sort of thug or bad person and now I wonder what she is telling my children about me. Is there any defense against this type of behaviour?


Yes, there is a defense. It's called the Truth.

Do you already know where she is living If so, how did you acquire that information From her? Then the truth would be that you already know. 

Are you stalking her facebook page, or are you accepted by her as a friend? If you are a friend, then just take screen shots of the page as it might be helpful, but do not respond.

How is your relationship with your children? Do you see them often? Quality time? Love them? Then nevermind what she says to them. Children aren't dumb. So long as you spend time with them, they will come to figure it all out. And never say anything negative about her around the children. Be the better person.

Hope that helps.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Unfortunately, one of the very typical tactics that unfaithful wives use specifically is crying wolf and using the magic word "abusive" as justification for her affair. If she uses the word to describe you, and then sets you up even by hitting you herself, and you get angry as a result... BAM she has her "proof" that you are abusive and is justified. At that point, she can call the police, say you are intimidating her and threatening, have them ask you to leave, add a lock, go file for a restraining order, and until that court date comes up you are basically out of your home and away from your children. 

Now I don't know anything about you. You may very well be a controlling, abusive person; and likewise, she may very well be trying to make a case out of nothing. Based on your post that you've never done anything to her, I can not make any realistic judgement cuz you could well be lying! LOL Thus, rather than jumping onto YOUR side or HER side, I'm going to be utterly neutral and assume nothing.

SOOOO...since I do not know you, do not know how you've treated her or how she has treated you, and do not know what has gone on behind closed doors, here is what I would recommend. Have a video or at minimum a voice recorder on your person AT ALL TIMES. Any time you are with her or speaking to her in any way, record it and tell her that you are recording to protect everyone involved--and that if she continues to speak with you, that you take that as her acknowledgement of recording (that way no matter WHAT your state laws are, your behind is covered: both people in the convo know it's being recorded). When you meet with her, always only meet with her in a public place where other people can witness anything that happens (like "at the library" or "at McDonalds" or "at the kids' school"). If you need to go to something like her home, or you know she is coming to your home, ALWAYS (always, always always) have a witness there with you. Ideally it should be someone who is over the age of 18yo and not a relative or involved with whatever legal case (like divorce, separation or whatever); however, a relative or friend is better than no one. If you can not get a witness to be there, CANCEL!! I mean it, do not EVER be with her alone without recording and/or a witness. 

Then, nothing personal, but neither one of you will be able to taunt the other to anger without some proof or witness of what was said, what was done, and who did what to whom.

Do not communicate via text UNLESS you are keeping logs--in which case you sync up and save them somewhere off your phone. 

Any communications you have via writing, keep a copy on your PC and somewhere printed, off site (like in a locked drawer, in your office). I don't care if it's IM chatting or emails or what...keep a copy of what YOU said and what SHE said. The idea is to be able to document that you were calm and your requests were reasonable.


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## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

It sounds like you are no longer living together. I that is not the case make it so soon. You need to see a lawyer ASAP and tell them what she may be doing. File a TRO (Temp Restraining Order) so that she can't come near you; that way she can't claim you hit her. It is not uncommon for women to use this card. It is a killer against men particularly in custody battles.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Your character will speak for itself over time. I started a program in our state as a soldier in 2001. I was a Master Sergeant at the time. I hired the staff (had senior military members reporting to me), got vehicles, equipment, became an expert in legal, insurance, etc. After 911 I had 11 centers across the state. I wrote the policies, procedures, dealt with congressmen/women, you name it I did it. In 2004 they converted the position to a state civilian job and I had to move, get a new boss. I was told the boss was a jerk and that I should move on. I could not leave my baby (big mistake). I got fired. A two star general signed the papers. The general would not talk to me for years. I sat across the table from her at various functions and she refused to talk to me. I told them at the time that they would find out who the guilty party was. My former boss (after I was fired) had federal and state charges filed against him (thanks Office of Special Counsel for listening to me). Eventually folks found out the truth. In 2008 as I was deploying to Iraq this general paid a visit to our Headquarters twice, once in September and once in November. Guess who got a hug and a kiss each time she visited. Not the Colonels, nor the Majors, nor anyone else. Me. She told me to take care of her soldiers. When I returned from Iraq in late 2009, she was there to greet us as we got off the plane. She stopped me. Had me put my three weapons on the ground, drop my ruck and she gave me a hug and a kiss and told me that I did a great job taking care of her soldiers and that she heard great things about me. I was the only one she had do this. Call it vindication or whatever, but when I was fired, the charges were false. I did not yell or scream, but tried to keep doing my job to the best of my ability. 

Your best defense is you. Your character. If you are on FB post positive things. Post pictures of you with happy good people. Do not let her get under your skin. Folks that know her will put two and two together (at least most normal people will). Stay positive.

You can defeat the forces that prevail against you if you stay above the fray.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If your children are with her part of the time, then unless there is a verifiable history of abuse, then you have the legal right to know where your children are when they are with her.

The best way to deal with this is to not ever near her. Keep your distance from her. If for any reason you have to see her keep a VAR (voice activated recorder) on you to record everything that is said.

For drop offs and pickups of children, you stay in your vehicle and the children get themselves from her place to your car and visa versa.

All other communications should be either via email, text or letter. There has to be a record of what you do say to her. 

I see no problem with you keeping an eye on her facebook. Viewing another person’s facebook is not stalking them as long as you do not post on her page. It’s a PUBLIC site. 

From what you have said, she is not doing much so far to paint you as abusive. This might really be more about her wanting her privacy. But be careful because false accusations of abuse are all too common.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

Thanks for your advice - my kids are 19 and 18 - one is finishing up high school and the other one is away from home....she blocked me and my family from fb - but one distant family member mentioned she was doing this on fb - idk....it annoys me she wont take responsibility for her actions.....oh well.....


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If your children are that old then you don't have an issue with the kids. She can tell them whatever she wants. And you can have whatever relationship you can build with them.

You cannot control what she says or does. Since you have some concern about her, just ignore her and do not go any where near her.

It's done. Move on.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

Best to ignore it. If you object, you play into her hands.


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## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

Your kids are old enough. My youngest is 18, his problem is that he refuses to look at the proof, he doesn't want to know the truth. I understand how much the truth hurts but sooner or later he will have to face it in his own way. 
As for communication, keep everything in writing. I do. I download and print all text messages and emails. Right now there isn't much communication between me and the STBXH so it's ok. 

Good luck.


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