# dealing with wifes rape/cheating



## confussed husband (Mar 26, 2011)

A few months ago me and the wife split filed the big D and before the big D day was back together. About a month ago I told the wife it was time to talk aboyt why we came close to D. one of her friends told me she had sex with a friend of mine in the park batroom the weekend we split. When we finally talked she admitted to this but says he raped her he has a record a mile long, but instant devorice filing, guy follows you 70 miles when you move to your moms and you flirted with him in text before we split....dont sound like eape. However I love my wife and son but something more has come up....before I never looked at anothee women without thinking of my wife, now I feel im falling ib love with a old friend....we talk alot hide our messages we have even made plans to get off alone one weekend soon...i love my wife but I cant find myself devoting my life to her like I once did. Anyone help?
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## howcouldshe (Jul 18, 2011)

You have several issues that you are dealing with and I think they may be tied together but you need to address each of them.

1-What made you and your wife decide to get back together after you filed for D? How long after you taking her back to trying to work it out did this "rape" occur?

2-If she knew he had a record a mile long then why would she be texting him and why would she get involved with him? I have a similar sitution and I can tell you that you may never know the answer but it is worth exploring.

3-You are headed down the road of a EA which will very well lead to a PA, stop the train right now, the fact that you have to hid the calls and texts and are planning a weekend together that tells you it is wrong. Do not be lead down this path you can stop it right now. I know how it is and I am sure you have a ton of doubt or anger towards your wife but be the bigger person. Cut communication with the old friend. Move forward with your divorce and once that is filed and done then you can talk to the old friend. As one that is a BS I know the hurt that you actions may cause even if you were hurt by your W already. Be the bigger stronger morally correct person.


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## confussed husband (Mar 26, 2011)

Im on moblie and forgive me for sucking at english. As for the people trying to help the "rape" is the excusse for the split, she told me she felt dirty and could not stand to look at methinking that if I found out about the rape I woulda said "told ya" cause just weeks before I told her some guy was gonna take the flirting to far and show up on the front step while I was at work. As for the D im still paying on the 2k I barrowed to get a custady order just to see my son, I do know the D after the "rape" was alot of her mom....ahe told me to my face "you had to call everynight I payed 2k to speed this up and get you out the picture and you kept bothering her till she came back" btw I called everynight to talk to my son not the wife, as part of my temp custady order wife was required to maintain a contact number I could reach
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## confussed husband (Mar 26, 2011)

The "rape" was in late march we split first of april got back together in late may it wasnt till a few weeks ago I was able to get her to finally talk about why we split, this was done in a effort to find out what I had done, when we split it was a bit random and I was lost as to why. I blamed myself, we got back together when we followed through with old vaction plansbehind her moms back for the kid, (no reason for him to miss his first deep sea trip cause momma and daddy). On the vaction we found that old spark, but after here telling me she was raped im lossing it. Here story has changed twice, from a forced overpowered rape to a man with knife in fear of life rape. she refusses to file charges too. Parts of me believes rape, parts of me dont . And im turning to a old friend for an EA cause of the stress. if I come stright out and say I dont believe her i could be making it worse for a rape victim, if I say I do believe her and she lieing im saying do it again just yell rape.
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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You should call her on this - because she is protecting the man who "raped" her. Either she files charges, or you're gone. You know what happened she had sex with him, it didn't work out with him for whatever reason, and she broke it off. Now she's running back to you with a story to shame you into taking her cheating butt back in to a nice safe place.

Sounds like a polygraph might be a good idea here.


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## borninapril (Jun 6, 2011)

Personally I wouldn't be surprised if this happens a lot more often than we would think. I know a couple times when I've talked to my wife when I think she's started to go too far with a male friends that she needs to think about the possibly happening. However I do agree with Shaggy that it could be all about her wanting to you feel pity for her and take her back. I would strongly suggest that you ask her to take it to the police and if she says no or doesn't want to, then seriously consider her story might be made up.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

It could be that she was having an EA (emotional affair) that blew up in her face. She may have fallen in love with the OM (other man) but may not have been ready to have sex with him. She met the OM in the park, he tried to get physical with her, she refused him, he got angry and ultimately forced himself on her. She may be ashamed to admit this to you.

Of course this is just speculation and it may not be what truly happened but it is a very plausible scenario.


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## confussed husband (Mar 26, 2011)

thank you all...update* when,i woke up this afternoon I was greeted with a very angry look, the W was suspecting something checked my phone and found this post....after talking with her again on the whole thing....mori you where basically dead on, sge says she never blamed me she told no one of the rape and turned her anger with it on me because I bugged her when she tried to get away. I did call alot to start after the split. Anyway ive also relized after think about it that my "love" for this other woman was not love but revenge, ive removed contact with her and plan on talking with the W about pushing charges, ther may not be any evidance to rape but people like this needs to be sgown no means no even if a t re xt from 2 days ago might have said yes
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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

So your so-called friend has a long criminal history, raped her, and she doesn't want to press charges against this guy? Some friend you have. Why would she protect some loser with a long criminal history? It doesn't make sense when you look at it that way.

It looks like she's making this up to garner sympathy. It's possible she may have been in an EA/PA with your buddy behind your back for some time now. But now that you have decided with D, she wants to come back to the marriage.

Now you say you are falling into an EA with another woman. This is a bad idea for several reasons. For one, you're still married, so legally, you are cheating on her too. Another is that to you, this seems like a revenge affair, which is also wrong. You need to go NC with this woman and explain to her that you cannot be with her until your marriage is dissolved.

Your WW is a cheater, and you need to deal with her as such.


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## confussed husband (Mar 26, 2011)

I dont think everything clear here, this guy was a friend not a long time friend I knew him a month before it all went down, had no clue about his history till after thr fact and I never started the D she did that...i only filed after she did to get a temp order of custady for my 3 year old. she tells me her mom started the D very believable....her mom has made the commet that she could make sure we didnt last.. and has been a thorn since day 1. Howevee
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## confussed husband (Mar 26, 2011)

Lol yay for moible!!! Anyway...however the wife did admit to flirting to start with and said it got outta hand.. this is not the first time but it will be the last, im done with theses EA she on her last chance if she looks at another guy with a smile ill be having my expencive lawyer finish up the D. As for my Ea your right it was only revenge and I was weak and stupied, it will now most likelly be a mistake costing me a long time friend. I was cought up in revenge so strong I confussed my joy for hurting the Was love for this person.
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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

So it looks like you are going to give her one shot at R. But your MIL is against you, so this is going to be difficult at best. Trust has been broken, and she is going to have to rebuild that trust with you. That means being transparent and you have to verify that the A is over and there is NC. Otherwise, she is just going to try and sweep this under the rug. Take a look at this table by Fighting2Survive from another forum. She should be conform to everything on the left hand side.


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## confussed husband (Mar 26, 2011)

I have full access to everythibg, phone email ect. Full detailed phone bills just incase she deletes them before I see. She goes from school (child care major) and home I dont ask it but she calls me at work if she leaves to go to the store, only thing off that list not being done is remorse, she shows non I got an im sorry for how I treated you and that it. as for not pushing charges for the rape....the guy now lives 70 miles away she said she fears having to face him in court.
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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Remorse is a Pillar for Reconciliation. No remorse means she still doesn't own the affair and accept responsibility for it. It also means that she's only guilty she got caught and she can do it again. She needs to go in for counselling if you can afford it. Otherwise, it may be months from now or years from now when you've let your guard down, then it will happen again.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

lordmayhem said:


> Remorse is a Pillar for Reconciliation. No remorse means she still doesn't own the affair and accept responsibility for it. It also means that she's only guilty she got caught and she can do it again. She needs to go in for counselling if you can afford it. Otherwise, it may be months from now or years from now when you've let your guard down, then it will happen again.


Two points... Counseling is a lot cheaper than divorce. And if you don't deal with the issues that caused the cheating in the first place, any reconciliation that you do now is useless.

C
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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Just recently I found out that my ex-wife had been raped as a teenager by one of her cousins. She never told me about her horrific ordeal and instead of trying to address and resolve it through professional counseling, she chose to bury it in her mind. Now I can see how her rape may have also contributed to her affair.

Encourage her to talk to a rape counselor. If she hesitates then you take the initiative and contact one. She may still be in a state of denial and her attempts to bury it are not healthy. If her EA gone bad is a serious issue that needs to be addressed and resolved, so is her rape. It not only has serious repercusions for her but for you and the marriage as well.


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