# How do you 'fall out of love' and move on



## brokenheart2 (Jan 22, 2009)

Someone please help me, I'm having such an awful time. I'm stuck in the past. I can't move on. I'm filled with regret, confusion, loneliness, and the feeling that I blew my one chance to be happy.

I found the girl of my dreams, so, so beautiful, in such a unique sexy way. Smart, complex. She loved me suddenly and without warning after four years of friendship. I felt it in her eyes, and in return I loved her so much. She would say incredible things, like her soul would find mine in the afterlife, like I was the one person she'd been put on earth to love,etc. I bought it head over heals, and proceeded to build my world around her, started a buissiness so that we could travel (which was what she always wanted). I wrote her poems, songs, made her art. For the first few months it was firey like that all the time, but had eventually settled down into domestic life. I kept the romance alive as much as I could, and showed her everyday she was my everything, but she would complain that it wasn't as magical as when we first got together. I would make every effort to show her how I felt, but we were working so hard now to make ends meet, that things had settled down a bit, and we no longer for instance stayed up all night talking, because we were both working 12 hours. But, at the end of the day I was always there for her, and I thought we would soon have a family. I never had the slightest hint that she was unhappy with me or the relationship.

Well, she met a guy at work she had a 'connection' with, and claimed that meant she wasn't ready to marry me. She began to get more and more distant, kept saying things had changed and we were getting stagnant, she would even make up things about me, saying I had lied about this or that when I honestly hadent. She kept saying she was getting 'tired' and 'running out of steam' she stopped making love to me, but just wanting to screw (it was an obvious change). Finnally she quit coming home at night. She started spending the night at this guys house, claiming that she would go out drinking and didnt want to drive home, that they were just friends, although she was 'interested' in him. Instead of coming home to the house I bought her 3 months before and we had restored together, she started spending the night at his house. Finnally she was gone, and all I got was a letter that said, "while I believe that I did love you with all of my soul, at the beggining, and just as much as you did me, at the end, things changed, and I realized, almost subconsciously, that you were probably much more in love with me, and thats not fair to you. I don't deserve you."

I had my problems in the relationship, by no means a perfect man, but I always put her on a pedastle, treated her nice, let her have whatever she wanted. I loved her. I would attract other sexy women, but my love for this girl prevented me from ever looking twice at them. My love would have never just gone away. At the end I told her I would do anything in the world to make her happy, but she just seemed not to care. She kept saying she didnt want to loose me, but that she needed to explore this guy, and I got more and more upset until she said I was smothering her. She said she just didnt want to be in love anymore.

My question is, how do people just turn love off? How do I stop loving her, now that she is dating this other guy and completely ignores my exsistence? Seeing as how this was my only serious relationship in my life (at 24), is this something that happens often? Are women often cold hearted? Do their feelings change with the breeze? Is it possible to constantly maintain a magical relationship while working so hard? What did I do wrong? How do I move on, and stop thinking that I missed out on the best thing in my life? How do I drop the jealousy and hatred I feel towards this other man? How can someone say amazing things about their soul finding yours, and then just walk away like none of it meant anything to them? Am I just a fool?

Please, the pain, its killing me. I miss her so much, am so low.

Seth


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## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

women aren't the only ones that can be cold hearted. you didn't do anything wrong. i can't tell you how to move on coz i myself can't move on. guess we're both fools.
i've been told it gets easier w/ time and you'll eventually find someone else


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## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

There is a possiblity that she is just afraid of making a commitment to anyone. Unfortunately, the "fairytale" of a relationship does dwindle with any long term relationship.

It sounds to me like she wants the fairy tale....but doesn't quite know that it has to be worked at. It's not something that just happens.

At least this came out before you got married. I am just sorry it hurts so much!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

There isn't a switch. It's a process and a lousy one at that. All of the positive advice in the world has absolutely zero impact on the pain. But there is one truth that you _must_ be willing to accept: you will not always feel the way you do now. It will get better.

There is another simple truth that doesn't hold a lot of water when you are grieving: If you loved once, you are capable of loving again.

The way you love someone is intrinsic to you - not them. 

Engage with your friends. Work out. Start a journal. See a counselor. Do the things that you have always enjoyed doing. Remain engaged in your life - do not put it on hold. Accept that there are times you will feel like crap, but those feelings don't have to own you.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Hi Seth,

I agree with Deejo.

One thing I noticed in your post is that you say you are full of regret. It also sounds as if you really put yourself into the relationship and I hope you don't regret that. She can choose to walk away, but you should not have regrets about giving all you could while you were in it because it will be a blessing to you when you meet a woman who reciprocates. In the end, the only regrets you should have when a relationship ends are the things you didn't do but even those are a learning experience for the next relationship.

I would guess she has found chemistry with this man and her focus is on that now, but if it ends or she decides it's not what she expected, she may be right back. Just be prepared for what your heart can handle if that happens. You definitely don't want to set the stage that it's okay for her to run off whenever another man catches her eye.


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## T-Dub (Feb 2, 2009)

We all remember those days when girlfriends broke our hearts. Its no fun. You will bounce back from this and be stronger. Easier said than done though. Hang in there!!


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## Always Something (Feb 15, 2009)

I lost a lot of years pining for my ex, and I always felt we weren't really "done" yet. There were no kids so we had no reason to keep contact. After his SECOND marriage ended (she cheated on him like she did WITH him on me- imagine that) he called me up at work out of the blue, on what would have been our anniversary, and we reconnected for awhile going over and acknowledging our mistakes and made apologies. He said that leaving me was the biggest mistake he ever made, that felt good. I never did sleep with him thank god, and as time went on I realised I was filler for his rebound period and when he started treating me with the same lack of respect that he had when we were married, I chose to not let him continue to hurt me anymore. I finally lost enough respect for him, saw him for what he was and he came down off the pedestal that I had put him on and being "in love with the memories". You need to reconcile with yourself that this person is not worth the heartache, and sometimes it takes one incident to jolt you to that place. The opposite of love can be indifference and can also be combined with a dose of lack of respect or even disgust if that helps you get there.


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