# Married women who are friends with guys



## randomguy1 (Mar 28, 2011)

Lets say your married, and you have aquired a few newfound guy friends.

Whats the etiquette there, so that it doesn't "cross the line".

I'm in a situation where "to me" guys are crossing the line, but in a "harmless" sort of way.. but my wife doesn't "shut them down' as I feel she should. She just sort of plays along, but in such a vague way thats she's not so much leading them on.. but they still attempt to talk to her like they do. Some of the guys are married themselves.. and they'll still make comments to her that to me a married guy shouldn't make to another woman.

chit chat, about the weather, work, hobbies and interests.. are fine.. but whats the cut off? Like, is it ok for a guy to elude to "being with you" in some fantasy world? or constantly telling you your "hot"? or even better asking for naughty photos. I mean, I know its not all guys, but an astounding number just have no respect for her or her marriage.. happily or not. And, why do the females not just say "hey, we are just friends.. I'm married". Instead of jokingly playing along..

for example..

wife: how was your trip to <insertplace>?
guy: good, but boring coming back to an empty hotel room.
wife: you couldn't pick anyone up?
guy: ha ha, i didn't see any that I'd want to pick up.
wife: oh lol
guy: how come you didn't volunteer to come?
wife: work lol
guy: I wouldn't have minded.

wife doesn't say anything for a bit..

guy: Did I scare you off?
wife: no, just got busy at work.

see what i mean? "harmless' but the intent is there. I don't talk to other married women like that..

here's another example.. this one is just a perv imo.

guy: pic????????
wife: sorry i'm slacking
guy: lol do you still have my number?
wife: yeah
guy: I'm ready to see that ass.
wife: lol ok.
guy: I want to see it all, but we'll start with that.
wife: lol ok.

and this sort of talk has gone on for say over a month. no pictures have been sent, and I don't think there is any intention in doing so.. so why keep the guy going like that?


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## WhiteRabbit (May 11, 2011)

some women enjoy that attention. low self esteem makes them want to get confirmation that men are attracted to them. 

I think the first conversation started out ok but then took a wrong turn toward the middle and end. if I were the one in that conversation i would have interjected with.. "inappropriate my friend...we can't have you forgetting that i'm happily married."

Of course, not all women do this because they crave the attention...some don't outright shut a man down bc they're too nice. these women are just too nice and don't want to hurt anyone's feelings no matter what.


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

You need to put that to a stop to that, pronto. A major boundary is being crossed by both parties and they should know better. deal with it yesterday, or it will get worse.

If that were me, I would be making a HUGE deal out of it at home- if it turns into a fight or one of us sleeping on the couch, so be it. 

my .02. Good luck.


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## randomguy1 (Mar 28, 2011)

I want to, but I had to use less than respectable means to even know it was happening. I mean, my wife is a nice girl who doesn't like to hurt people's feelings.. but recently she doesn't mind being "crass" with anyone including me.. except for these sleezeballs.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

I'm going to jump in on this as a woman who is, and always has been, friends mostly with guys. Since I was little--I'm girly as all get out now, but I was a hell-on-wheels tomboy growing up and it really wasn't until much later in life that I learned the "tricks" of being friends with women, lol.

I don't think there's any problem with women, married or not, being friends with guys...._*IF* they always have been_. If your wife has suddenly developed these male friendships, and several of them, I think it's more than a bit suspicious.

Also, I can tell you definitively, that those are not the conversations that one ever has with a guy if they really are friends. Ever. I don't think my friends have ever asked me for even a regular picture, much less a naughty one and I would seriously fall down dead if any of them ever said they wanted to "see that ass". Conversations about work trips would likely not ever involve asking who they "picked up" and the most mentioned would have been something more like, "it was awesome, you should have been there"

I hate to automatically veer towards suspicion and assume the worst just because girls are talking to boys...but these conversations look like they started out with the intention of flirting, hooking up, whatever. Otherwise conversations just don't go there with your friends. Or at least I've never had friends that I had conversations like that with.

Friends are friends. Dates are dates. These guys are on the string. Or at least the prowl.


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## randomguy1 (Mar 28, 2011)

she's been texting two of them all morning long.

since about 8 this morning, its not 10..

neither of us got much sleep last night, and I've already tried talking to her once this morning and all i get are "yes or no" answers. 

I sent her a text after i left work saying she looked nice...
and i got no response.

I asked her a little while ago, if she didn't like me giving compliments..

she said, "i'm too effing tired to get into it" and she never refers to me as her husband anymore.. I'm simply.. "Joe". 

Both of these guys are married, but I don't see what in the world they'd have to talk about all morning.. when she can't find two words to say to her husband.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Okay changed my answer based on your last post. Something is up with these men. She's encouraging it. The part where she'd rather talk to them that you is a huge red flag.

Sounds like she's shopping for a new man.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Well i'd have a problem if i came across my wife's texting that included this... i see your wife's reactions as playing it safe enough to keep the frienship going. Sure she should of shut this type of **** down immediately, because it ain't cool. But she's in reaction mode, these guys opening the door, she's just letting them down easy, instead of slaming the door.

The real truth will come out once you confront her, if she defends these guys actions as "harmless" and doesn't want to do anything about it once its realized its upsetting to you, now we have a RED FLAG. Whereas she understands your position, and say she will no longer engage them when they go there.. then you shouldn't have no worries. I have female friends who i know plenty about... i don't go there in regards to sending pics and stuff. That's an invitation to an EA.


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## randomguy1 (Mar 28, 2011)

I don't want that to be true. She's talked to me about both of them before. Both are married, and usually the conversations ARE harmless. I don't know if she's just liking getting attention from a guy in general or if its more than that. I just would think if your "that" tired.. you'd not want to talk to anyone.. period. It also doesn't help that she never talks to these people on the phone its always via some text or chat based deal that can be deleted. I never get to read anything but bits and pieces of conversations, and we are on rocky terms right now too.. but to me.. doing that isn't "working on us". Our anniversary is next week, and I have her a very expensive diamond ring and a nice dinner planned.. she doesn't know it.. but it doesn't make me feel very giving, when she'd rather get all her attention from some ********* via a text message.

I've even helped one of them before with some tech issues, and she actually told me she had wanted me to meet the other one some time. That he was one of the only friends she had left who would just listen to her. Should I believe it? As far as I know he's never crossed the line.. but the one I posted above about the trip.. she's been talking to him all morning.. almost a text every minute or two..

here's what I've said to her since 7 am this morning...

me: your morning get any better?
her: no i'm tired
me: me too, just had a user curse me out.
me: did our anniversary pop up on facebook for you?
her: yes

a little bit later.

me: you don't like me giving you compliments do you?
her: For what Joe? I'm too damn tired to get into it today.
me: I'm not trying to get into anything, just asked a question.

bit later... no response

me: do you want to go with me to get the paint and stuff tonight for the room?
her: idc
me: ok.........


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

randomguy1 said:


> I don't want that to be true. She's talked to me about both of them before. Both are married, and usually the conversations ARE harmless. I don't know if she's just liking getting attention from a guy in general or if its more than that. I just would think if your "that" tired.. you'd not want to talk to anyone.. period. It also doesn't help that she never talks to these people on the phone its always via some text or chat based deal that can be deleted. I never get to read anything but bits and pieces of conversations, and we are on rocky terms right now too.. but to me.. doing that isn't "working on us". Our anniversary is next week, and I have her a very expensive diamond ring and a nice dinner planned.. she doesn't know it.. but it doesn't make me feel very giving, when she'd rather get all her attention from some ********* via a text message.
> 
> I've even helped one of them before with some tech issues, and she actually told me she had wanted me to meet the other one some time. That he was one of the only friends she had left who would just listen to her. Should I believe it? As far as I know he's never crossed the line.. but the one I posted above about the trip.. she's been talking to him all morning.. almost a text every minute or two..
> 
> ...


So basically, she doesn't have time to get into long texts with you, but she doesn't have a problem with holding long convo with other men. Hmm, perhaps i spoke too soon about this being no big deal. 

This is why i go back to, if you address it calmly and its valid, and she still continues, then there's a problem.


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## randomguy1 (Mar 28, 2011)

yeah, I mean. I have no proof of anything and as I said before.. she never "agrees" to anything its just vague.. don't say yes.. but don't say no either.. so they'll keep talking to me.. its all about keeping the attention coming.. or thats how it seems.

my wife has never had alot of outside attention from guys. Her sister got all that. She's been with me for so long, she doesn't know what it feels like I guess.


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## shaung (Mar 18, 2011)

If this was my wife I would confront her about this and put a stop to it. If she refused I would ask her what is more important to her, her husband or her boyfriends, and yes I would use the word boyfriends. Tell her what you know, that she gets off on having sexual tension between her and other married men, and it WILL stop else you will walk.

I would also talk to the wives and let them know that their husbands are going after your wife. I would also talk to the men and let them know you know EVERYTHING they say to your wife. I would crack the whole thing wide open.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

randomguy1 said:


> yeah, I mean. I have no proof of anything and as I said before.. she never "agrees" to anything its just vague.. don't say yes.. but don't say no either.. so they'll keep talking to me.. its all about keeping the attention coming.. or thats how it seems.
> 
> my wife has never had alot of outside attention from guys. Her sister got all that. She's been with me for so long, she doesn't know what it feels like I guess.


So basically, she's grown found of having all this new attention, its a stroke to her ego and self esteem. U giving her a compliment... no big deal. An outside guy gives her a compliment, she's gushing through the rough.

Here's the ony problem with what's going on now. These guys... they are chipping away at her foundation, and it sounds like to me from the texts you quoted, that she is becoming annoyed with you asking about it. If you allow it continue, they may break her if she becomes vulnerable. By now putting your footdown, you are "rubber stamping" this to escalate.


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## WhiteRabbit (May 11, 2011)

Rob774 said:


> U giving her a compliment... no big deal. An outside guy gives her a compliment, she's gushing through the rough



A lot of times we feel the husband is complimenting us to get to have sex and not really bc they mean it.or they're complimenting us bc they feel it's what they're supposed to do. When a stranger or friend compliments us,we feel it's because they really mean it and have no ulterior motive.

I don't say this way of thinking is right...but it is common at least among women I've known throughout the years.


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## randomguy1 (Mar 28, 2011)

Rob774 said:


> So basically, she's grown found of having all this new attention, its a stroke to her ego and self esteem. U giving her a compliment... no big deal. An outside guy gives her a compliment, she's gushing through the rough.
> 
> Here's the ony problem with what's going on now. These guys... they are chipping away at her foundation, and it sounds like to me from the texts you quoted, that she is becoming annoyed with you asking about it. If you allow it continue, they may break her if she becomes vulnerable. By now putting your footdown, you are "rubber stamping" this to escalate.


I agree, but she's always caught me snooping once and has told me that if I was caught again.. that was the end of it. She told me I had to trust her or not, it was my choice. What if I am completely overthinking it, and it IS really just harmless talk? I'm going to at least wait til our anniversary is over before I say anything to her.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Wow, shes treating you terribly.

I think you need to ask her if she's in or out of the marriage.

if shes in, she goes to MC with you, and cuts contact with all her male "friends". If shes out you start moving on.

She is being completely disrespectful to you. Start demanding she respect you. Women don't love or respect men that let them walk all over them.


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## andy32m (Jan 27, 2011)

Wow, this is headed to a bad place and very similar to what I am going through. About six months ago I came home from work and my wife was typing furiously on Yahoo chat. She didn't even acknowledge that I came home. I finally walked in and asked her what was going on. She was like "oh sorry, I just reconnected with an old friend on facebook and we have been catching up." I have never suspected my wife of infidelity ever.

Well times goes on and this guy John is always coming up. Politics, music, sports, anything we would talk about there would be some reason for her to say something funny about John. She starts texting him and I am getting a little bit frustrated. She says there is nothing going on and all I start getting is the yes/no answers. Well, I check the phone bill and she was averaging about 2000 texts per month up to that point and the next month....BAM....over 6000 text messages and about 200 picture messages.

I freak out, I tell her this has to stop. She says there is nothing to be worried about and I am overreacting. Well I go through her phone and there are about a dozen pics of her that I would consider inappropriate. She said she took them for herself and never sent them to anyone. I did not believe her. I read her text messages with this guy and he was very suggestive and sexual in his tone and my wife never stopped it or shut him down. She admitted it was flattering and told me not to worry.

Fast forward a couple more months and after all the "sex-skyping" i found out they were doing, we are getting divorced.

I am sorry, but I do not think women can be "friends" with other guys while in a comitted relationship.


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## randomguy1 (Mar 28, 2011)

Well part of the problem is that ONE of them I went to school with and she works with him. They've already been accused of stuff, not even by me.. but by others. He's married and his marriage is on the rocks, but he hasn't left her. What he does is comes to my wife for advice, and to "vent". They became friends due to this, which I never really liked them being more than just coworkers. To me there is a certain line with work, where you don't mix outside life with people you work with, regardless of sex. So of course his wife, thinks he's having an affair with mine. I hear about his and his wife's entire marriage and all its problems, when I wonder.. why are we worried about his when we have our own to manage? I understand being there for your friends.. but there's a point where its too much. He doesn't need to know that much about us, and I don't want to know about his. the funny thing is, all these guys are either married with kids, or are like alot older or not even attractive.. compared to what I thought her standards were. Thats why I still feel like its the "attention" and feeling important to someone other than me.. that she likes.. not so much wanting to have a relationship with them like that.


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

COGypsy said:


> I'm going to jump in on this as a woman who is, and always has been, friends mostly with guys. Since I was little--I'm girly as all get out now, but I was a hell-on-wheels tomboy growing up and it really wasn't until much later in life that I learned the "tricks" of being friends with women, lol.
> 
> I don't think there's any problem with women, married or not, being friends with guys...._*IF* they always have been_. If your wife has suddenly developed these male friendships, and several of them, I think it's more than a bit suspicious.
> 
> ...


COGypsy hit the nail on the head with friendships between opposite genders.

My best friend all through junior high school was a guy. Finally had more friends who were girls in high school, but still good friends with several guys.

I pursued an education and career in a field which was predominately male. Par for that course, my hobbies also tend to lean towards those which are male dominated. The past few years I have wound up being one of the few parents, if not the only parent (excluding coaches), who knows how to keep baseball scorebook complete with stats. The fact I possess those qualities and traits often surprise a lot of individuals. Especially those who tend to judge a book by it’s cover.

That being stated, I usually tend to make friends with guys pretty easy. Not all wind up being genuine friends though. A lot of bad apples who have ulterior motives. Those guys need to be shut down promptly.


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## boxer (Apr 30, 2011)

Hate to break this to you, but she is already screwing with other men.

If you are in the USA, it doesn't matter, you will pay and pay and pay and pay some more. Men have no rights in divorce. Even so, you should have some dignity and just get out.

Don't marry. That's the only solution.


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## BM178 (May 17, 2011)

She needs attention. I used to do the same thing without actually feeling like I wanna leave my man and start being with those who I casually flirt with. There's a point in a relationship when you get tired of that person and just want attention from other men that make you feel good about yourself. Yes, it's wrong. If you're committed to someone you should not be sending mixed signals or stuff like that but it's part of a women when she needs that extra attention. Maybe it's just a stage she's going through. But still, talk. Put the question: DO you wanna be with me or not?


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

randomguy1 said:


> Well part of the problem is that ONE of them I went to school with and she works with him. They've already been accused of stuff, not even by me.. but by others. He's married and his marriage is on the rocks, but he hasn't left her. What he does is comes to my wife for advice, and to "vent". They became friends due to this, which I never really liked them being more than just coworkers. To me there is a certain line with work, where you don't mix outside life with people you work with, regardless of sex. So of course his wife, thinks he's having an affair with mine. I hear about his and his wife's entire marriage and all its problems, when I wonder.. why are we worried about his when we have our own to manage? I understand being there for your friends.. but there's a point where its too much. He doesn't need to know that much about us, and I don't want to know about his. the funny thing is, all these guys are either married with kids, or are like alot older or not even attractive.. compared to what I thought her standards were. Thats why I still feel like its the "attention" and feeling important to someone other than me.. that she likes.. not so much wanting to have a relationship with them like that.


My biggest concern, regardless of the fact that your wife is violating "boundaries," is the fact t hat you addressing your concern isn't enough for her to change. Years ago, while we are engaged, i told my wife it wasn't cool for her to be hanging out at a social club with her buds that were mainly filled with single people. I told her to look around, no one in there is about to get married and start their life anew. I didn't demand anything from her, the decison was hers and she understood where i was coming from, especially since my approach was calm and respectful.

She obviously isn't getting it or doesn't care for your concerns. If words won't get to her, perhaps actions will. Threaten to leave, if that doesn't shock her to the core, than you know it isn't a marriage worth saving.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

randomguy1 said:


> Lets say your married, and you have aquired a few newfound guy friends.
> 
> Whats the etiquette there, so that it doesn't "cross the line".
> 
> ...


Have not read the whole trhead. This is totally and completely wrong.

Married Man Sex Life: How To Tell When Too Much Flirting Is Too Much

You have every right to shut this down any way possible. You do not have to be nice about it. This is cheating behavior. Very disrespectful.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

WhiteRabbit said:


> A lot of times we feel the husband is complimenting us to get to have sex and not really bc they mean it.or they're complimenting us bc they feel it's what they're supposed to do. When a stranger or friend compliments us,we feel it's because they really mean it and have no ulterior motive.
> 
> I don't say this way of thinking is right...but it is common at least among women I've known throughout the years.


These guys are trying to get into her pants. Men who converse like this have ulterior motives. A husbands ulterior motive is base on the love he has for his wife. He experesses that with sex.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

randomguy1 said:


> Well part of the problem is that ONE of them I went to school with and she works with him. They've already been accused of stuff, not even by me.. but by others. He's married and his marriage is on the rocks, but he hasn't left her. What he does is comes to my wife for advice, and to "vent". They became friends due to this, which I never really liked them being more than just coworkers. To me there is a certain line with work, where you don't mix outside life with people you work with, regardless of sex. So of course his wife, thinks he's having an affair with mine. I hear about his and his wife's entire marriage and all its problems, when I wonder.. why are we worried about his when we have our own to manage? I understand being there for your friends.. but there's a point where its too much. He doesn't need to know that much about us, and I don't want to know about his. the funny thing is, all these guys are either married with kids, or are like alot older or not even attractive.. compared to what I thought her standards were. Thats why I still feel like its the "attention" and feeling important to someone other than me.. that she likes.. not so much wanting to have a relationship with them like that.


ummmm. Guess what? She now has to go find a job somewhere else. This is inappropriate.

The only cure is NC.


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## AvaTara539 (Apr 10, 2011)

Wow dude. I have a lot of male friends, some of whom are my ex's, and none of them would be alluding to me they wanted to be more than friends (such as in the 'in another world' scenario which is just an excuse to be flirtatious and call it innocent) or how hot I was. If they did I would put them down instantly, like "don't say that, I'm married", or "that's not appropriate". If she's not doing that, she's enjoy it, and you've got yourself a problem.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

You must realize by now that the real problem here is that your wife likes these guys better than she does you. She likes to spend more time with them anyhow. It is only of secondary concern that she'd probably like them in her pants more that she does you as well. Do not treat this as anything but the serious problem that it is. This communication is very bad and on many levels.

Good luck


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

randomguy1 said:


> I agree, but she's always caught me snooping once and has told me that if I was caught again.. that was the end of it. She told me I had to trust her or not, it was my choice. What if I am completely overthinking it, and it IS really just harmless


 I have not read all of these replies, but backing you into a corner saying "TRUST ME or not". It is all in the attitude, it speaks volumes --she is trying to PACIFY you. Take the focus off of her & bring it back on you. Very convenient. 

If you feel she is putting you 2nd best, then likely she is! and it has stirred something within you. Whether she wants to acknowledge this or not, does not make it "not there" or real. 

I am speaking from MY OWN being here. I have male friends in real life, and chat online. I am a conversationalist , love to debate, love to talk issues - I can talk to anyone. If we can shoot the breeze, we do , I don't limit this to females, and my husband is perfectly fine with it. And if in real life, he is always right there by my side. 

The more "*transparency*" you have with your spouse, generally the more *trust* you will have as well. 

If there is even a hint of her trying to HIDE something from you, a hesitency to sheild something she is typing, close the page, etc--or she can not pull herself away to spend time WITH YOU, her husband --this is NOT paranoia, but the beginnings of something sour.

What is the relationship lacking at home, this is the question?


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## Mirrormask (Jun 15, 2011)

WhiteRabbit said:


> A lot of times we feel the husband is complimenting us to get to have sex and not really bc they mean it.or they're complimenting us bc they feel it's what they're supposed to do. When a stranger or friend compliments us,we feel it's because they really mean it and have no ulterior motive.
> 
> I don't say this way of thinking is right...but it is common at least among women I've known throughout the years.


I just want to point something out. A Husband has every right to flat out ask for sex with his wife. A stranger doesn't have that right. So if he has to throw you a line (compliment), he is testing the waters with you. Besides why would a perfect stranger feel the need to tell you a compliment if he didn't have some type of attraction to you (wants to be your friend), otherwise why would he care what you looked like or whatever he complimented you on? The truth is women these days, i don't know whats going on with them, men either. You need to think your beautiful or handsome to yourself first. A husband or wife is a person who made a choice to spend a lifetime with you. You do not need to wonder if your husband or wife thinks your attractive, you should know by the actions they make. If a man wants to have sex with his wife, then that answers your question. If you you think "well, my husband would stick it in a watermelon if he could, just cause he wants it from me doesn't mean Im attractive", then you just answered another question, what makes you think someone other than your wife or husband would be thinking any differently. Women out there, im gonna give you a tip about men. We do not crave sex all the time, we do not think with our other heads like you think we do. Most of the time we are thinking about man stuff like, building something or thinking about how if we were King Leonidas we could have held of the Persians longer. We think about ALPHA MALE things. If you are having conversations with txt or emails or whatever with someone other than your husband, i will tell you what is going through the mind on the other end of the txt or emails. " I cant believe she is buying my bull****, I got this one in the bag". Men i will tell you a tip about women, compliment your wife, let her know how you feel. Do not mold yourself to her liking. Be that rugged hunter you are genetically born to be. Build stuff, hunt stuff. No one ever became an alpha male by baking a cake. This back and forth thing men and women do is stupid. Women have there strengths and men have theirs. Ladies this one is gonna make you mad but im gonna say what needs to be said. Men are born to lead and protect, they are born with the instinct to do what needs to be done without consulting with Cosmo. You have got to stop treating him like he is worthless, because once you break him like you TRIED so hard to do. Then you no longer want him because he is not what he once was in your eyes. Men are domesticated, but they still have their instincts just as you do. But would you go to a zoo and poke a Lion in his face for an hour while yelling and asking what are you gonna do huh? The irony is that women want to feel secure and protected, but once you have broken your husband and stripped away all his instincts which you WANTED to do so that you could prove to yourself that your in control and no one tells you what to do. Your left with a broken man that you DID to yourself. So you leave and look for something else. Men do what men were born to do, women do what they "think" is best. If you feed and pet a man, he will stay by your side to the death, PERIOD. But if you make him feel like you don't want him (stop having sex and so on), well lets just say you would leave a 98% good man to look for a 99% one. But what do i know?


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## Mirrormask (Jun 15, 2011)

To the OP. I feel for you i have been in your shoes. The advice i can tell you is this.

Put a pair on and stand your ground. Do you want your relationship to continue? Then defend it my friend. Your heart is your own and you have every right to defend it from even your wife. Sit her down and tell her to her face "this IS how this conversation is going to play out. I am going to tell you what i feel and you will respect me and sit there and listen to what i have to say. I am the man of this house and when i decide to speak you will listen. I not here to control you or make you do anything you don't want to do, but this time you will sit and listen to what i have to say or you can leave."

You cant be all mushy man, you got to be a man about this. Men don't speak like whiny kids, we speak to be heard. The point Im making is not to come off as violent but you need to let her know, i am not playing with what am telling you. As much as women will deny this, there is something they find atractive about when a man sits down and they know in there heart that "he is a gentle giant and will not harm me, but i know dam well this man is capable of breaking my neck". Why you ask? Because that's what instinctively attracts them, the feeling of a real man in their presence. 

So sit her down and let her know your not playing head games. She is an adult and there is no human on earth who is too tired to sit up for 30 mins and talk to save something like a marriage. If they are, then they really don't deserve what they have. See this is what i do not understand about men and women in a relationship. If your doing something and the other doesn't like it, then it IS a problem. The moment the other in the relationship doesn't approve, then it DOES NOT MATTER WHAT IT IS, it IS a problem. A marriage is a self contained entity. It should be 2 people against the world, not one person trying to figure out what the other is thinking. for Christ sake just say it. Why should a man have to figure out what a women is thinking, or figure out what he did wrong? Women, just tell him.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Mirrormask said:


> I just want to point something out. A Husband has every right to flat out ask for sex with his wife. A stranger doesn't have that right. So if he has to throw you a line (compliment), he is testing the waters with you. Besides why would a perfect stranger feel the need to tell you a compliment if he didn't have some type of attraction to you (wants to be your friend), otherwise why would he care what you looked like or whatever he complimented you on? The truth is women these days, i don't know whats going on with them, men either. You need to think your beautiful or handsome to yourself first. A husband or wife is a person who made a choice to spend a lifetime with you. You do not need to wonder if your husband or wife thinks your attractive, you should know by the actions they make. If a man wants to have sex with his wife, then that answers your question. If you you think "well, my husband would stick it in a watermelon if he could, just cause he wants it from me doesn't mean Im attractive", then you just answered another question, what makes you think someone other than your wife or husband would be thinking any differently. Women out there, im gonna give you a tip about men. We do not crave sex all the time, we do not think with our other heads like you think we do. Most of the time we are thinking about man stuff like, building something or thinking about how if we were King Leonidas we could have held of the Persians longer. We think about ALPHA MALE things. If you are having conversations with txt or emails or whatever with someone other than your husband, i will tell you what is going through the mind on the other end of the txt or emails. " I cant believe she is buying my bull****, I got this one in the bag". Men i will tell you a tip about women, compliment your wife, let her know how you feel. Do not mold yourself to her liking. Be that rugged hunter you are genetically born to be. Build stuff, hunt stuff. No one ever became an alpha male by baking a cake. This back and forth thing men and women do is stupid. Women have there strengths and men have theirs. Ladies this one is gonna make you mad but im gonna say what needs to be said. Men are born to lead and protect, they are born with the instinct to do what needs to be done without consulting with Cosmo. You have got to stop treating him like he is worthless, because once you break him like you TRIED so hard to do. Then you no longer want him because he is not what he once was in your eyes. Men are domesticated, but they still have their instincts just as you do. But would you go to a zoo and poke a Lion in his face for an hour while yelling and asking what are you gonna do huh? The irony is that women want to feel secure and protected, but once you have broken your husband and stripped away all his instincts which you WANTED to do so that you could prove to yourself that your in control and no one tells you what to do. Your left with a broken man that you DID to yourself. So you leave and look for something else. Men do what men were born to do, women do what they "think" is best. If you feed and pet a man, he will stay by your side to the death, PERIOD. But if you make him feel like you don't want him (stop having sex and so on), well lets just say you would leave a 98% good man to look for a 99% one. But what do i know?


Very insightful post. Lots of great points! Welcome to the forum.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

I am not shy in stating my firm opinion on this forum, married women AND men, do not entertain this notion of "platonic" friends or "just friends". 

It is simply playing with fire, so always is merely asking "how much fire is safe to play with?"

Safe? none.

But of course in this life, we all have habits, as mentioned the tomboy woman who friends with males all her life and such, so not to be completely dogmatic, here are rules of thumb.

1. No "just friends" men is best. 

2. If "just friends" men tolerated anyway, then they must be friends with "the couple", and not just the woman. 

3. If there is creating in the husband feelings of JEALOUSY, that is normal, the husband is reacting perfectly as a husband should. The man should not downplay his jealousy, hide his jealousy, or be ashamed of his jealousy in any way (however he is to be mature adult, no yelling or screaming nonsense, just acknowledging and enforcing his reasonable boundries and expecations). This is not "controlling" or "not trusting" or any of this other nonsense. His wife is vowed to be his monogamous partner, and that is physical and emotional and these as sexual natures should be reserved only for wife's husband, and he is responsible to insist these vows are honored.

4. If there is creating in the husband feelings of RESENTMENT, this is red flag and something must change. Again, the man should ignore any "controlling" or "not trusting" smokescreens and get to the root of the problem.

5. If there is SECRECY, this is biggest red flag and the husband is correct to assume it is true EA and take immediate action to shut down the affair, even if just in inception stages.


However, to the OP, things are much beyond what you should be tolerating!



randomguy1 said:


> Lets say your married, and you have aquired a few newfound guy friends.
> 
> Whats the etiquette there, so that it doesn't "cross the line".
> 
> ...



This guy is "fishing", and your woman is enjoying the attention. It is innapropriate and disrespectful flirtation pure and simple, if not already an EA.

So many lines crossed here I would not know much where to begin, but understand if it was me this woman would already finding herself either discussing in marriage counciling or to my lawyer what her ideas of marriage are.

You are right to be alarmed, treat your woman as if in an EA with this man and shut this nonsense down now!


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## losing my faith (Jun 15, 2011)

**** you in a catch 22 situation..... i know that feeling about... if you question to much or snooping in a cleva way.... then its what you doing... why you doing it... and dont you trust me.. and at the end of all that then you the wrong 1 or you need to suck up to make everything ok becoz you dont want to sleep cross or angry... i am in that same kinda boat that why i am here looking for a solution.... what do men do in situation like this...?


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## Mirrormask (Jun 15, 2011)

Inloveforeverwithhubby said:


> Very insightful post. Lots of great points! Welcome to the forum.


Thank you. I have been browsing here for some time, I had finally just seen enough to make me chime in. All of this he does she does stuff is just ridiculous.

Men are not Edward from twilight and women are not An "Indecent Proposal". 

If your not getting enough attention at home, perhaps you should rethink what your definition of attention is. Does your man work and provide a home, protection and food for you? Then hes doing what he is suppose to do. Does your woman cook and wash clothes and provide that special something for you, then she is doing what she is suppose to do. Everything else is just icing on the cake.

You would be surprised how many ladies will leave their husband because he doesn't do alot of the extra jazz they think they deserve, in order to find another guy who only does 2 of the three basic requirements of a husband. Same goes for men.

Men - Food, shelter, protection
Woman - Prepare food, houshold things and provide sex.

That's the basic things whether you agree or not. When you cut one of those off, that's when you start throwing a wrench in the gears. Tip to women, using the "cut him off from sex" thing, you are really asking for some turbulence in the relationship. By instinct a man has sex with his mate, if he cant, then his brain starts trying to compensate irrationally. The brain is just wired that way.

And the HUGE point you all need to understand is that when you get married, there is no such thing as ME anymore, it is now WE. Your friends become Friends of both of you. If you have a friend that you dont care for your husband or wife to meet, then something should flag in your own brain and you should ask yourself why does it bother me if my husband or wife knows this person.

One other thing to mention. There is no such thing as asking too many questions. You have every right to know anything you want to know in your own relationship. The only thing you do not have the right to know is what she has done in her past. That was before your time together.


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## losing my faith (Jun 15, 2011)

mirrormask well said.... i agree with everything you said... but what do you do when your other half doesnt see it as a WE.... and still see it as a you and me... and give off a vibe that saying i can do as i please and who are you to tell me or ask me this and that?


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## Mirrormask (Jun 15, 2011)

losing my faith said:


> mirrormask well said.... i agree with everything you said... but what do you do when your other half doesnt see it as a WE.... and still see it as a you and me... and give off a vibe that saying i can do as i please and who are you to tell me or ask me this and that?


I will tell you the answer to that. I am not saying you will like it but i will tell you.

Let them!

let them be independent. Of course let them also know that with independence, you don't come with that package. If there is no WE in a relationship, then as bad as it sounds there is no real relationship. There is a difference between taking care of yourself in a relationship and taking care of yourself independently.

In a relationship - i can reach the milk thanks tho, i can drive to work on my own, thanks tho. 

The wrong kind in a relationship - I do what I want Im grown, you don't tell me what to do Im an adult.

It is all about commitment. When you commit to someone, you give in and allow them to take their role. In your case it sounds like she doesn't care to let you grab the ropes and steer the boat as the man. That will ultimately not end up well at all. A man has his place at the head of the household and a woman's is by his side. This is how it has always been. The only thing i can tell you is that you will need to sit her down and talk to her. Tel her this is what i need you to do. You are beside me not behind me. You are my equal nothing more and nothing less. But your place is beside me. She might not take that so well, but that is what she will have to accept in order for the balance of the relationship to stay in check.

There is a theory floating around for some time now that men and woman are equally capable of doing anything. This just isn't true. Yes there are many thing that a woman can do that a man can do. But there are many they cant. Women crack under pressure when men work best under it. If a burglar breaks in, i would imagine your wife or girlfriend would lose her sense of independence real fast and turn to you. You would feel fear but instinct would kick in. You would do what men do, you would defend. That is what makes you the ultimate head of your household, that's what a head of house is. That's not to say some women would not make that choice themselves if they had too, but in general, they would not. Thy would call the police (which the mental picture would be a man in their head). So to make it all short for you. Sit her down explain that you are head of your household. If she wishes to stay, then she will need to start treating you as such. You are the husband and your word goes. She can discuss things with you, try to inform you of new things or certain things. But ultimately your words and decisions are the final say so. That is how the world sees it, that is how the law sees it and that is how the Lord sees it. Period


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## 34woman_pinkcatz (Dec 5, 2011)

Hey, I think I can help a lot since I have personally been through the same thing. I am now on my third marriage, lol, and it has been a tough long road, and this one is going to end as well. I married young, and was infatuated with this guy, I gave him everything, and he gave me nothing. He abused me physically and mentally, I had no where to turn, until I met this great guy named steve. We were just friends and I to this day have never done anything with him. He gave me that attention I was lacking and I loved it. I became obsessed with him. Needless to say the communication was way over the line that is accetapble for marriage. Husband found out and it cause strain in our marriage. I felt like he was controlling me, we divorced.


I continued with this newfound flirtatoius person on every relationship I wentnon, steve was always there telling me how hot I am, and we would always joke about each and every guy. He made me smile, however to me, just a friend, as I got to know more about him, he wasnt husband type, but I still loved the attention.

The second marriage was a combination of bliss and pain, and the one I will always regret. I was so hurt from my last one I had a huge wall up. I never let him in, and any arguement I cold heartly pushed him away, I continued to flirt left and right and disrepected him. I hsd those very exac conversations, where I didnt respond to it, but I didnt shutnit down as a loyal wife should. He caught several email and text communications that were innapropriate. I was that woman who never responded but never shut down the advances, I welcomed them. I always turned it on him. He was jealous, controlling, didnt trust me, etc. Only now do I realize he was being caring. He was being a man and stepping and defending his wife. Thats his wife. He was the one guy who was always there for me, most guys wouldnhave ran, and most did. That was my coping mechanism to not get hurt. That is the guy who fell apart because i pushed him away.

My third marriagejust happened to be a guy i was flirting with. He seemed to get me, and made me smile I felt he knew me better than my previous. husband, problem is he didnt. He knew me as a vulerable flirtys woman. He didnt know me as a woman, a wife, a mother, etc.i constantly was comparing him and his actions to me second husband. My second was the one who knew me. I was too stubborn to listen, always felt he was attacking me, when he was protecting me, and trying to make me see what love really is.my advice for woman, is when a man asks you to stop. Respect your marriage, love him, you will get way more out of life than flirting guy after guy. You will never find anything that way. Only heartacheand u will watch your perfect guy share everything u wanted with his new wife...that is the worst feeling ever


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## vickyyy (Oct 28, 2011)

randomguy, u really need to MAN UP.
Your wife has no any respect for u.


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## HaHa (Oct 1, 2010)

I have a couple of friends who are guys. One is actually my best friend who is also married. Any comments regarding sex or anything sexual that it pertains to me is one hundred percent off limits and vice versa. My rule is that if he wouldn’t say it in front on my husband, then he does not need to be saying it to me. Anything we do my husband has an automatic invite to as does his wife. His wife is more uncomfortable with us being friends than my husband is as her ex cheated on her (as did my ex so I understand). I try to be more understanding due to that and make sure that anything friend and I do I personally call her up and see if she wants to meet us for a drink or go do whatever we are doing. 

The conversations you mentioned would be totally inappropriate in my relationship.


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## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

I've only gotten through a few of the responses here, but this is what I can tell you from experience. You'll find a thread I started on here about the debate regarding opposite sex friends. I staunchly defended wives having male friends. I had one for 6 years, great friend, never once did our friendship cross the line. Just got the shock of my life a wek ago as he ruined our friendship and put me in a terrible position with my husband. 
Put your foot down, insist that she stop with the games with these guys because they'll take advantage of her first real chance they get.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

I'mAllIn said:


> I've only gotten through a few of the responses here, but this is what I can tell you from experience. You'll find a thread I started on here about the debate regarding opposite sex friends. I staunchly defended wives having male friends. I had one for 6 years, great friend, never once did our friendship cross the line. Just got the shock of my life a wek ago as he ruined our friendship and put me in a terrible position with my husband.
> Put your foot down, insist that she stop with the games with these guys because they'll take advantage of her first real chance they get.


Yes, this is a really old post and not really active. 

@I'mAllIn I'm interested to hear what changed your mind on the topic since I am also one of the few opposite sex friends advocates on TAM. It might be worth updating your thread with extra info.


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## 34woman_pinkcatz (Dec 5, 2011)

I also wanted to add one thing. the girl has two choices. She can choose the guys that will temporarily make her smile and cause stress and arguments with her marriage, our she can choose her husband, be happy, come to him, and guarantee he will make you smile way more than common flirts. Those are little pick me UPS, your husband will always pick you up when your down even when your a biitch to him. 

Would those guys be there if you treated them badly? Highly doubtful. I hope a woman doesn't make the same mistake I did.Love and respect your husband and you will reep the rewards. You feed it negativity, other Guy stress you're asking to be alone and miserable and will never see true happiness. Don't discount his feelings, its not that hed oesn't trust you,or is trying to control you (what i thought for awhile) he wants you and only you, a Womans dream, a Guy who won't cheat....

.if you're the girl reading this be honest with your man, that you messed up, crossed some lines, what you were searching for ?what you gained and learn from the expierence, apologize, say your not doing it again and never will and I guarantee you he will Love more than you have ever felt. If a guy did cross the line be honest!!! Trust me your guy already knows. Dont blame your man, its your fault for crossing the line and thinking its okay. If ur friend crosses the lone, say "hey thats inappropriote, my husband would be pissed" if he gets mad at you is he really a friend? Also if your friend cannot say the same thing in front of your husband, than its deemed innapporpriate. If our friend or friends does tis flirtin behavior they dont respect your marriage, and guess what? You are part of that marriage so basically this loving, caring, understanding great guy that makes you smile is also disrespecting you. Crazy thought huh? Makes ya think who your friends really are? Hope i got to some gilr in this post somewhere...You have two choices, lust or love? Your choice

.guys, don't be ran over, stand up strong that's attractive to a woman, confront the guys, we might get mad at first, and say that's an invasion of privacy but the bottom line, your the king of her jungle so to speak, claim it a yours and ward of any threats to your kingdom as any lion would do...be supportive when she apologies, but yes you have every right to be upset.your married and she should only be thinking and sharing things with you. When it comes to the opposite sex friends should be friends with xouples not individuals. Thats the onoy way it can work. Dont focus on the content of the communication, focus on the frequency, how often? If she is talking hours a night to a "friend" thats a guy, cause she is bored, she is lying, and there is something going on. You are the only guy besides her dad she needs to ever go to.so you have two choices, let her do it, and be ran over, viewed weak by her, and always be tye last to get attntion, or stand up, confront her, put a stop to it and set boundaries. Either she will be an inderstanding commpassionate wife and stop immediatelly, or she will be a defensive controlling wife and blame you for not trusting her and u walk away. If you still say, lol message me cause your one in a billion, thatslove and patience right there!!! So make your choice?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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