# My husband is always annoyed with me...and he has a right to be!



## missunderstoodnowmrs (Jul 31, 2012)

ok...
our marriage got off to a rough start. my husband and his family finally got to see my family treat me like dirt on our wedding day. my mother and sister wouldn't speak to me and refused to acknowledge my presence at my DESTINATION wedding. In fact, my husband's family was always there for me.

Since the wedding, I still haven't spoken to my family. I'm extremely upset and depressed about the way I've been treated. My husband's advice is to "deal with it" and "get over it". 

I've put him through a lot, and I have many emotional issues that he simply can't understand as we was raised by a "normal" family. 

It feels like he's always annoyed or upset with me. He rolls his eyes, sighs heavily, or talks down to me. When I try to tell him the way I feel, it turns into a huge fight. He says he's not annoyed with me or even acting that way. But, I know he feels the pressure of everything, too. When we were shopping this weekend, he said, "Hey! We haven't fought at all today!" as though this were some huge accomplishment. That really knocks the wind out of my sails. I constantly think that his life would be so much better without me and my drama in it. I actually feel sorry that he somehow ended up with an effed up me instead of well-adjusted girl that he definitely deserves. I've tried to be better for him or to pretend like everything's okay with me, but then I just end up going someplace alone to cry so he never knows it happens. It's upsetting him that I'm unhappy, and it's upsetting me that he's unhappy. I love him, and I know he loves me, but I think my issues are already tearing us apart. I Just don't know what to do. Should I just bow out of his life for his own good? He's too chivalrous to ever ask me to leave.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You should go see an individual counselor and find out how to end the cycle of constant drama.

It sounds like you already recognize that you do this. So now learn how to stop yourself from doing it.


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## EynaraWolf (Aug 26, 2010)

Cut your family out of your life until they can behave like mature adults instead of selfish children. Don't just not talk to them, make sure they understand you are taking control of your life and making healthy choices for yourself.

My husband and I constantly fought about the way my family treated me. He was less inclined to handle my crying and my messed up emotions when I kept allowing people to abuse me. It caused my husband no end of stress, but I felt I had to do <whatever> because they were my family.

Have an honest discussion with your husband about not knowing how to have a healthy relationship. Allow him to help you make healthy choices for yourself until you can make them on your own. He loves you or he wouldn't have married you. TRUST that. I know that's a difficult thing to do when the people you are supposed to love and trust the most abuse you, but you're going to have to make the effort for your husband.

When he's excited you didn't argue, don't feel bad about it. Celebrate it!

It's not fun having to deal with the emotional fallout of a person who has been emotionally abused. It IS stressful for him and you need to understand that. He probably has some anger towards you family for how they treat/treated you. He probably also has a difficult time understanding why its still effecting you when you are not talking to them.

You don't know how to have a healthy relationship. It doesn't make you unworthy of love. It means YOU need to take charge of your life and learn how to have a healthy relationship. Get counselling. Understand that your husband might not know how to handle this part of your life and will need some time and patience from you while learning how he can be supportive of you while you go through this process of self healing.

You can get better from this and have a happy marriage despite being broken. You just have to decide to fix yourself and then DO it.


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## missunderstoodnowmrs (Jul 31, 2012)

Thanks EynaraWolf. 

I'm crying now and as I read your post. It's nice that someone really understands. My H does get annoyed when I get upset about my family. You're right...he just doesn't get it. I'm very happy for him that he doesn't. I guess I am always waiting for the bottom to fall out from beneath me.

Your advice has helped me so much to put into words what I need to say to my new H. Thanks so much


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## EynaraWolf (Aug 26, 2010)

You can do this as long as you want to. The goal is happy AND healthy.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

I would add this thought. My wife has some really dysfunctional family as well while I was raised in a rather even keeled family. If he is like me whenever his wife has a problem he feels driven to fix it but at the same time he cannot fix that kind of problem so it makes him feel inadequate. The more he sees you hurt by them the more he wants to fix it but realizes he can't the more he feels inadequate. 

Maybe I'm the only guy who feels that way and I'm just wierdo but thats my experience.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EynaraWolf (Aug 26, 2010)

Stonewall said:


> I would add this thought. My wife has some really dysfunctional family as well while I was raised in a rather even keeled family. If he is like me whenever his wife has a problem he feels driven to fix it but at the same time he cannot fix that kind of problem so it makes him feel inadequate. The more he sees you hurt by them the more he wants to fix it but realizes he can't the more he feels inadequate.
> 
> Maybe I'm the only guy who feels that way and I'm just wierdo but thats my experience.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is very much how my husband felt.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Stonewall said:


> I would add this thought. My wife has some really dysfunctional family as well while I was raised in a rather even keeled family. If he is like me whenever his wife has a problem he feels driven to fix it but at the same time he cannot fix that kind of problem so it makes him feel inadequate. The more he sees you hurt by them the more he wants to fix it but realizes he can't the more he feels inadequate.
> 
> Maybe I'm the only guy who feels that way and I'm just wierdo but thats my experience.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is the way most guys are wired. When presented with a problem, they want to fix it. One of my female friends taught me that a number of years ago, and I think that's one of the greatest lessons I ever was given. That you can't fix everyone's problems, and sometimes, you just have to sit back, listen, and be ready with a hug, a shoulder, and a Kleenex. I've been told by a number of other women since then how much they appreciate the way I listen to them.

On the flip side... It's incredibly frustrating to watch someone continuously make the same obvious mistakes over and over again, ignoring useful advice from everyone around them. Picking up the broken pieces gets old quickly. My GF's sister is like this. She continues to make bad choices with her men. Then something blows up, she's in tears for weeks, and crying on my GF's shoulder, dragging her into her own little depression party. And all my GF can do is bite her tongue and try to avoid saying "we told you this would happen".

My advice... Try telling your husband that when you come to him all upset, you just need him to listen. I'm sure this is covered in a relationship manual. But also start working on solving the problem. Why keep inflicting your drama on everyone around you?

C


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I have ptsd, depression and anxiety as a result of an abusive childhood. I haven't spoken to my parents in 13 years. I've worked my butt off to heal and not once has my husband ever told me to just 'deal with it' or 'get over it'. If it were that easy I wouldn't have had to pay $13K in therapy over the last 13 years. 

The good news is after I sought help I was able to minimize the affects my drama had on my husband within about 6 months (I have a great therapist). I stayed in therapy to reparent myself which is no quick process.

This is totally fixable. It just takes time and effort.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

missunderstoodnowmrs said:


> He rolls his eyes, sighs heavily, or talks down to me.
> 
> I Just don't know what to do. Should I just bow out of his life for his own good?


Not really. If you are asking for a course of action, you need to own your issues and take responsibility for working through them. Your husband needs to encourage and support you, along with improving his body language and his tone.

I would guess that your husband is completely unprepared to deal with any of this. While marital love will not in itself overcome childhood wounds, we need to be sure that whatever he is doing is helping. This may require some work on his part


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

missunderstoodnowmrs said:


> I constantly think that his life would be so much better without me and my drama in it. I actually feel sorry that he somehow ended up with an effed up me instead of well-adjusted girl that he definitely deserves.


As long as you think this, nothing will change. 

Retraining the way you think isn't easy. You've learned to see yourself through the eyes of other people - but those people did not teach you to appreciate and value yourself - two of the main elements of happiness. 

You have to stop hoping for approval from toxic people. A good way to start is to minimize or eliminate your contact with them.

You have to surround yourself with people who show you the opposite - that you *are* a quality person who's worthy of being loved and liked. You may have chosen a life partner who repeats patterns you knew in childhood, so find people who are.

You have to believe those positive messages. It isn't easy in the beginning, but if you hear something good about yourself, instead of thinking, "Oh, that's not true," consider whether it just might be. 

Practicing affirmations helps, too. There are many great resources on how to develop and use positive affirmations on the Internet.


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