# Worst time in my life



## Discarded-husband

Hi guys, my name is Joe and I’m struggling through an in house separation in which wife is in an affair she refuses to give up and she’s on the brink of divorce. Here for guidance.

We have been together 10 years and married almost 5. I am dad to her twin 17 yo girls. Biological father not in the picture. Early on in our relationship she had a one sided open relationship and was allowed to see other men. It turned me on as well and I felt spiced up our sex life but actually it diminished the romance and intimacy between us. However, all other aspects of our marriage were actually very good. Best friends, love hanging out with each other etc. still had sex twice a week, although it was very routine. 

About 7 weeks ago she started talking to a new guy and after 2 weeks (and two times having sex) I felt too threatened by it and I asked her to stop. I wanted it to just be us. Anyway it led to a huge fight because she says she really connected with this guy. Basically she refused to stop, our kids found out about everything through our loud fighting and over the following weeks she dove deeper with him, saying she wants to leave me and they tell each other I love you. Now she is saying the usual “I love you but I’m not in love with you” crap, 100% wants separation or if I need a further answer wants a divorce. At first I made all the mistakes of threatening, begging, crying, etc. for the past week I have been focused on working on myself and showing her a more positive side of me. However I’m dying inside. I am sleeping in a separate room now and she openly continues her relationship with him. In fact she just left this morning to spend the weekend with him. 

She has agreed to attend counseling with me, which we have gone to a few times. The counselor is great and recognizes she’s in Limerence and is trying to get her to slow down and work on the marriage instead. Wife is still defiant though. I’m going to leave for about a week to visit my parents and give her a bit more space so when gets back tomorrow I won’t be here. It’s so hard. I love her so much and just want to wrap my arms around her and tell her how much she means to me. Doesn’t do anything though. She says she can only be affectionate with one person (him).

I’m wondering if I should leave a note for her to see when she returns that might plant some seeds for her to reflect and miss me while I’m always. Maybe she can think about giving up the affair if she misses me and starts to have hope things can be different. It’s crazy to even say that though because she genuinely was happy, her mind just got so mixed up by this connection with this piece of ****. 

I feel like I could fill a canyon with the tears I have cried over this situation. I’m willing to do anything and everything for myself to be as appealing as possible, but I desperately need her to put the brakes on her affair and be willing to at least try to work on the marriage. I just can’t get through to her. She has another counseling session in 4 days and I’m hoping the counselor can reach her brain and break through the fog she’s in. Any suggestions? Should I leave a note for her to find that might start her thinking about things deeper than what she is doing right now?


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## Casual Observer

Discarded-husband said:


> Hi guys, my name is Joe and I’m struggling through an in house separation in which wife is in an affair she refuses to give up and she’s on the brink of divorce. Here for guidance.


Sorry to have you here under such circumstances.

It's unusual that the adulterer is the one asking for the divorce, rather than the victim. If I'm reading that correctly? You want to stay married, and she doesn't? You've got a really tough road ahead of you if that's the case, and she's still actively engaged in an affair. The TAM jury, and most people in general, will suggest reconciliation is not even worth trying in this case. You need to move on, and as long as the affair is active, I really can't see you keeping your sanity if she's in the same house, separated or not.


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## skerzoid

Discarded-husband:

Sorry you are going through this.

You are doing several things wrong besides the obvious "Open-relationship". 

1._* Stop doing the begging, crying, pick-me dance. *_It never works and only makes you look weak to her. That **** stops now.

2. *You need to start practicing the the "180". * Here is a link. Do it religiously.... https://healinginfidelity.blogspot.com/2014/03/the-180-for-hurt-spouses.html

3. *The only way you can save this marriage is to be willing to lose it, and she has to believe that you are willing to lose it.* You have to set a tone.

4.* Go to a lawyer to at least find out your rights and procedures you should be following.* I would take it one step further and actually file. If she becomes remorseful, you can halt the proceedings & if not, at least you haven't wasted any more time moving on.

5. *Expose this to friends and family.* The best way to stop an affair is to shine the light of day on it.

6. *Get yourself checked for STDs.* You don't know where his **** has been.

7. *Do not leave the home hoping she will miss you.* She will just move him in or spend all her time at his place. *She is not going to "miss you".* That is called being hooked on "Hopium"(pathetically hoping she will see the light and come running back to you). You could also be seen as abandoning your family.

8. *You need to get your balls out of hock or what ever you did with them. *Women respect courage, strength, and confidence. All you are showing is weakness, Get it up man or you are going to be a doormat.


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## BioFury

skerzoid said:


> Discarded-husband:
> 
> Sorry you are going through this.
> 
> You are doing several things wrong besides the obvious "Open-relationship".
> 
> 1._* Stop doing the begging, crying, pick-me dance. *_It never works and only makes you look weak to her. That **** stops now.
> 
> 2. *You need to start practicing the the "180". * Here is a link. Do it religiously.... https://healinginfidelity.blogspot.com/2014/03/the-180-for-hurt-spouses.html
> 
> 3. *The only way you can save this marriage is to be willing to lose it, and she has to believe that you are willing to lose it.* You have to set a tone.
> 
> 4.* Go to a lawyer to at least find out your rights and procedures you should be following.* I would take it one step further and actually file. If she becomes remorseful, you can halt the proceedings & if not, at least you haven't wasted any more time moving on.
> 
> 5. *Expose this to friends and family.* The best way to stop an affair is to shine the light of day on it.
> 
> 6. *Get yourself checked for STDs.* You don't know where his **** has been.
> 
> 7. *Do not leave the home hoping she will miss you.* She will just move him in or spend all her time at his place. *She is not going to "miss you".* That is called being hooked on "Hopium"(pathetically hoping she will see the light and come running back to you). You could also be seen as abandoning your family.
> 
> 8. *You need to get your balls out of hock or what ever you did with them. *Women respect courage, strength, and confidence. All you are showing is weakness, Get it up man or you are going to be a doormat.


Quoted for truth.

You need to stop being weak dude. Stop tolerating her blatant disrespect. The more of her crud you tolerate, the less respect she'll have for you, and the less attracted to you she'll be.

Stop being the meek and kind husband. Get angry. Get strong. Toss her out of the master bedroom, or better yet, the house. If she wants some other guy, then she can go have him. Tell her family what she's doing, cancel her credit cards, start getting your paycheck deposited in a different account, and file for divorce.


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## niceguy47460

They both think you are weak . You need to show them you are not . Stop crying and file for a divorce asap and go for what will hurt her the most .


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## farsidejunky

Always give defiant people what they say they want. In rarely works out the way the want.

This will require that you let her go. 

Whether or not you have the strength to do so is the heart of your dilemma. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## niceguy47460

The minute you let her see other men you lost her . Let her go and get what you out of the divorce . And stop all credit cards in your name and stop her access to your money . Asap....


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## Tilted 1

niceguy47460 said:


> The minute you let her see other men you lost her . Let her go and get what you out of the divorce . And stop all credit cards in your name and stop her access to your money . Asap....



So damn true, and follow all the above in fact. Welcome and it was sadly only a matter of time, until you were here.


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## Spicy

niceguy47460 said:


> The minute you let her see other men you lost her . Let her go and get what you out of the divorce . And stop all credit cards in your name and stop her access to your money . Asap....



Correct. Don’t make the same mistake in a relationship ever again. Sorry for your pain.


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## Tilted 1

Get some friends to strengthen you in this time of loss. Don't be alone and surround yourself with positive men( no women). Now how are the daughter's taking this, are they siding with mom ? Or do they believe that it is wrong? If they know it wrong the so are you wanting to keep that excuse of a wife.


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## sunsetmist

IMO: your 4+ year marriage is over. It likely has been open (for her) the whole time, so now she has connected with another man and your turn is over. Do you suppose she was not hanging out with and friends with the other men she was having sex with? It was nice of you to raise her now almost adult children. Ignoring the cuckoldry, what is it you love about her? She was fun? Good in bed?

Consider getting tested for STD's. Work on yourself--someone who appreciates you may come along. Give her what she wants--her freedom. I hope her girls have more respect for you than she does. Sometimes, life sucks!


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## MattMatt

Is this why her first marriage ended?

You have the man's name? Check him on the sex offenders register. He might be using her to gain access to the girls.

Also is he married?


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## In Absentia

sunsetmist said:


> Consider getting tested for STD's. Work on yourself--someone who appreciates you may come along. Give her what she wants--her freedom. I hope her girls have more respect for you than she does. Sometimes, life sucks!



well, yes... she obviously thought she was still in an open relationship... maybe she's been seeing other men behind your back... get tested. The girls are 17 now, so you are not needed anymore... good luck! Harsh life, harsh reality.


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## syhoybenden

niceguy47460 said:


> The minute you let her see other men you lost her . Let her go and get what you out of the divorce . And stop all credit cards in your name and stop her access to your money . Asap....


Frankly, you have nothing left to lose anyways.

Seriously here now, you never lost her in the first place.

You Gave Her Away.

What the hell did you expect?


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## She'sStillGotIt

Discarded-husband said:


> She has agreed to attend counseling with me, which we have gone to a few times. The counselor is great and recognizes she’s in Limerence and is trying to get her to slow down and work on the marriage instead.


Is your therapist REALLY that much of a fool that he/she doesn't see the bigger picture here?????

This latest boyfriend of your wife's isn't your problem. *YOU* are your problem. Sadly, you're so weak, needy, desperate and passive that your wife has absolutely *no* respect for you at all. I mean, that's painfully obvious or she wouldn't be telling you to go lay down while she spends time with Romeo. She doesn't respect you at all. I don't know ONE woman who actually respects a needy weak man who lets her walk all over him. That's about as unappealing as it gets.



> I love her so much and just want to wrap my arms around her and tell her how much she means to me. Doesn’t do anything though.


I say this kindly. Try to find a decent therapist amongst the slew of idiots out there and get help for your severe co-dependency. 

And make sure your wife takes her two kids with her on her romantic weekend. If she wants to act like some bar fly, you can't stop her. But that doesn't mean _you_ should pick up her slack while she's off on some weekend keeping it classy. Tell Mother of the Year to make sure to *also* pack bags for her two kids as *they'll be going with her*. I'm sure her boyfriend will just LOVE that. :rofl:

I know you won't have the cajones to do that, but it would sure put a monkey wrench in Mommy Dearest's plans, wouldn't it?

I suggest you march right into the bedroom, open your wife's purse, and get your testicles back. She's had them for WAY too long.


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## manwithnoname

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I suggest you march right into the bedroom, open your wife's purse, and get your testicles back. She's had them for WAY too long.


Too late....she had them in there for a long time, but has discarded them recently.

Hopefully they can grow back... for OP's sake.


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## hubbyintrubby

You are now her plan B. The second things do not work out with the OM, she will come crawling back offering everything you're asking for RIGHT NOW. Do not be her plan B. Somewhere deep down you're a stronger man than that...you just have to find him.


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## Edmund

Discarded... You should post your story on the site ourhotwives.org the folks on there will have a different perspective as they think cuckolding is a good thing. It really works only for men who actually enjoy being humiliated. IMO it is a psychological syndrome similar to masochism. If you are not wired like that, your only choice is to get out. Follow the advice you will get here on TAM on how to disconnect, 180 etc.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

Here is the deal sir. She is in la la land right now. I would encourage you to get yourself a good attorney and have divorce papers slapped on her. This will provide you the upper hand as it takes extreme measures at time to knock a wayward to her senses. This likely will let her know the **** is about to get real.

Women respect strength. It is the way they are wired. You will need to show her how strong you are by taking bold action. Whatever you do do not cry, mope, and do the "pick me dance". If you do the dance, you are toast. It shows weakness. You need to show her you will be fine without her. Sit her down and tell her that you want to discuss how to divide your property.

My first inclination when I first felt something was amiss was to go into "pick me mode". Thanks to the seasoned pros on here I followed their advice, and when my FWW asked for a separation I went upstairs, grabbed her suitcase and a hanging bag and told her not to let the door hit her in the ass on the way out. I called her bluff. Shortly thereafter, i caught her with POSOM at her company's open house and walked up to my wife and handed her my wine glass and said if you decide to come home we will talk. I told POSOM "she is all yours asshat". Guess what happened. She started blowing my phone up begging me not to leave. **** her, I was mad and went nuclear on her as did her family and mine. I left for six weeks. I let her know I would be just fine without her. She got the message.Christmas Eve will mark four years of R. To drive home a point before I left, I took our heirloom bed and built a bon fire on my farm and burned the bed. I videoed it with my phone and sent it to her. She knew then how pissed I was.

The point I am trying to make is listen to those folks on her who have been there, done that. Be firm, inflexible, and strong. Read up on the 180 and implement it and get to work. Shock N Awe sir. That is how you deal with a wayward spouse.


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## Marc878

She's not your biggest problem. You are.


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## SunCMars

It seems these posters have our number.
Our number never sees the truth for the trees.
And they keep coming back at us.

Fool me once......


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## arbitrator

*She's nothing more than a lying pathological cheater and liar!

Get the hell out of Dodge while the getting is good, and make an immediate appointment with a piranha family attorney!

To hell with psychological or marital counseling with such an individual, as she'll have absolutely no problem in lying to them, too ~ it ain't going to help! *


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## colingrant

Giver her what she wants. Reconstruct your life and move on. Wayward spouses respect betrayed spouses that can live without them. There's nothing wrong with desiring to stay married, but you can't expect wanting to stay married to change her mind. In fact, if anything it reinforces to her that she can do what she wants and still return to you if and when she wants to.

So, by openly seeking to reconcile with her, is a means by which she can and will sustain her affair knowing full well the pain and anguish it brings onto you. I know you don't wish to hear it and even less likely to adhere to anything I've typed thus far. Nonetheless, I typed it anyway because it's the path to your own happiness, which is self healing and controlling only what you can control which is you.


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## lovelygirl

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Is your therapist REALLY that much of a fool that he/she doesn't see the bigger picture here?????
> 
> This latest boyfriend of your wife's isn't your problem. *YOU* are your problem. Sadly, you're so weak, needy, desperate and passive that your wife has absolutely *no* respect for you at all. I mean, that's painfully obvious or she wouldn't be telling you to go lay down while she spends time with Romeo. She doesn't respect you at all. I don't know ONE woman who actually respects a needy weak man who lets her walk all over him. That's about as unappealing as it gets.


:x:x
Can I like this post 100 times? 




> And make sure your wife takes her two kids with her on her romantic weekend. If she wants to act like some bar fly, you can't stop her. But that doesn't mean _you_ should pick up her slack while she's off on some weekend keeping it classy. Tell Mother of the Year to make sure to *also* pack bags for her two kids as *they'll be going with her*. I'm sure her boyfriend will just LOVE that. :rofl:


:lol:



> I suggest you march right into the bedroom, open your wife's purse, *and get your testicles back. She's had them for WAY too long.*


Daaaaamn, that's the hardcore truth right there!


Seriously, OP - you allowed her to have relationships with others while with you and now you're the one complaining about this thing??? 
How ironic is this??? You are against something you allowed yourself. Now you're seeing the consequences.

I wonder what she liked about you anyway... Sorry. 
As much as I'd like to have 2 or 3 boyfriends at a time .... (who doesn't want some variety ??  ) deep down consciously, *I wouldn't respect anyone who'd be okay with me doing that!!!!* She sees you in the same light. You're there for stability, but not because she really wants to be yours.

You need to re-invent your personality. You've got more issues than just this "relationship" with that woman.


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