# Dealing with post-divorce paranoia



## Round_1.5 (Oct 15, 2008)

Background, the short and sweet version:

23 y/o man marries 22 y/o woman. 6 months later, man suspects woman of lying/deceiving/cheating on him. 3 months after that, man discovers incontrovertible evidence that woman is cheating (emails, phone calls, text messages, and a little 4 am trip tot he emergency room due to "vaginal soreness" where woman is diagnosed with herpes [man did not and still does not have herpes...]). Man confronts woman and alleges an affair, woman disputes and leaves two days later, never to be seen or heard from again other than court documents of divorce.




I am the man and I am now 25, about to turn 26. Needless to say, I was very broken up about the way my previous marriage ended, but in retrospect I believe it was the best thing that has ever happened to me. I am with a girlfriend of five months and must say that I am happier than I ever imagined I could be (much happier than I ever was with my ex). Communication is great, intimacy and sex is great (though, another topic I hope to discuss with people here), we have fun together and laugh a lot, and we can discuss our problems and concerns openly.

However, there is something which for several reasons I don't feel comfortable talking about with her; I am what I consider to be moderately paranoid. Based on what has happened to me in the past, the closer I get to her the more and more concerned I get that something is going on behind my back. I find myself sometimes, though not always, trying to weasel my way into things like her online social networking account, her cell phone, email, etc. I DO NOT want to live that way and I DO NOT want to feel that concern about her. I also DO NOT want to hurt her, make her feel untrusted, or make her feel that she has no privacy. I really have no reason that I know of to distrust her, I only have my previous experiences.

She is aware of my past in great detail and we were friends for many months before we started dating. I don't hide anything from her and we both take pride in being open and truthful with one another.

How do I handle this pervasive paranoia?? :scratchhead:


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Only you can drop it. See a councilor if need be otherwise this will haunt you.

I am happily married for over ten years but it isn't my first marriage, that ended much like yours. It took time for me to understand everyone deserves a clean slate.

draconis


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## Round_1.5 (Oct 15, 2008)

I absolutely agree, but sometimes the fear and distrust grips me so hard I can't think about anything else...

It's very discouraging because I think that this girl could be the real deal.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

What you experience is very similar to a panic attack and logic is overwhelmed by emotion. Drac is right, you will need help with this from a professional. Continue to trust your new love and communicate with her when you have fears but you will need to overcome this paranoia or the relationship will suffer and probably fail.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Round_1.5 said:


> I absolutely agree, but sometimes the fear and distrust grips me so hard I can't think about anything else...
> 
> It's very discouraging because I think that this girl could be the real deal.


Well, what you are feeling is very normal, if that helps at all. 

Be patient with yourself. That is a really hard thing to go through. Its perfectly normal for you to have some paranoia. I know you want it to go away b/c you fear ruining a good thing, but it wont work that way. The more you try to push it away, the more it'll come back. Instead of fearing it, let it come, and realize you are still hurting. Comfort yourself. Tell yourself that it was a really hard thing you went through, but you are OK today. 

And remember, it happened, it hurt, but you are OK. Focus on how you feel today, and not how you think you'll feel _if_ it happens. 

It'll be hard. it'll take time. be patient with yourself. when you feel the paranoia coming, ask yourself, when it happened before were you hurt? sure. but are you OK now? ya.


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