# Issues in the bedroom, please help!



## Mrs. Segedy (Apr 17, 2010)

I love my husband with all my heart, and I find him very attractive. But lately it's been hard to 'get off' when we have sex. He doesn't have an issue at all. It's all me. It's hard to explain, but I'll usually initiate sex and then I find myself disappointed with doing so. He hasn't been lasting long lately, or maybe it's just he's not hitting the right spots, which he usually never has trouble doing. Then when he finishes he'll look at me and tell me that I didn't orgasm, as if I didn't know and it makes me feel horrible! I don't know what's wrong, but I find myself not wanting to be with him sexually because of it. Not because I'm unattracted to him, but because I'm discouraged. He'll ask me if I want him to finish me off but at that point I don't even bother, because then it feels like a chore. I do enjoy just being intimate with him, but after a while of not even coming remotely close to orgasming as he already goes, I'm frustrated. And it feels like when he's done, he's done and there's nothing he can do about it. What is my issue?


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

You said he asks if you want him to finish you off. I don't understand him asking, and I do understand you not bothering, so you say no. I would too because I don't think he should ask. He should just do it. I would find that pretty inconsiderate. Actually, I would be resentful of his inconsideration that he cums and I didn't. And then to ask??? Pretty nervy that guy. LOL

What is with him informing you that you didn't cum? hahahaha Hilarious!

1. He's not hitting the right spots but normally has no such problem.
2. He's not lasting as long as he usually does.
3. He asks if you want him to finish you off (I think he hopes you say no)

Sounds to me like he is getting lazy and very inconsiderate of you. But I must be way off base because I can't imagine my analysis being something you couldn't figure out on your own and definitely wouldn't blame yourself for. So I must be way wrong.


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## Mrs. Segedy (Apr 17, 2010)

Susan2010 said:


> But I must be way off base because I can't imagine my analysis being something you couldn't figure out on your own and definitely wouldn't blame yourself for. So I must be way wrong.


Blame myself for?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Not sure what your issue might be, I think hormones play such a huge role in stuff like this, or if you are having too much sex too often, or your mind is not aroused as well as your body. I would bet this is a common problem for women in/after menopause also, but I am not there yet, so I don't know! 

Have you had a heart to heart with him about how you are feeling? 

I doubt he would want to do anything to cause you to back away sexually. 

Has he always been the type of Lover who cares AS MUCH about your pleasure as his own? - Or you've just been blessed in years past to get off before him & this is new territory, something that never needed discussed before? 

I understand what you mean if he has to ask you afterwards -to finish you off, I would "feel" like a chore also. He surely could handle this a better way, maybe this makes you reluctant to bring it all up. But ultimately we are all a little selfish sexually , we want ours too! And that is nothing to be ashamed of >> He might even find such a dialog somehow "a turn on". 

Many men who have pre-mature ejaculations have become experts at Oral sex/Cunnilingus, cause without that skill, they often felt inadequate to please a woman. This one man wrote an entire book with all the fine tuned details of orally pleasing a woman cause it was the only sex he could ever have -that lasted -cause once he got it in, it was all over. 

Does your husband enjoy giving you oral ? Do you enjoy it ? 
That's one suggestion. Some men have claimed that taking viagra helps them "last longer".


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## Mrs. Segedy (Apr 17, 2010)

Well he hasn't been like this. It's just very "wham bam, thank ya ma'am." And when I told him not to worry about it, he responded with a "Well I'm not, but I'll finish you off if you'd like." I do feel he's being selfish. I make sure that if I do go before him, I make it very pleasing for him. As for oral sex, I do enjoy it and he does do it but not as often as I would like, and I'm nervous to talk to him about it, partially because I don't know how to say what I have to without being mean about it.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

He needs to understand in a roundabout way the best sex sequence is:

1. Woman cums
2. Man cums

If you are really on, you cum together but it's better to tip first orgasm (or second or third) towards the female for obvious physiological reasons. Because yes, it's over. . .the guy is tired, he's spent - only caressing and kissing after (which I admit is often my favorite part).

When working on #1, there is a variety of activity you can do.

I have personally never engaged in this but the best man in my wedding, who has a rocking marriage in all dimensions, confided in me that they use a vibrator to get his wife over the "hump" (ha, ha -pun intended). She told her sister about it and now her and her husband use one.

And. . .get this - the husbands are very appreciative because they know they're penises can't do that.

I have never tried this but perhaps some experimentation with that would do you good.

You could buy one and show him before sex and he could reply,

"Are you trying to seduce me Mrs. Segedy?"

(ha, ha, I just wanted to write that - every time I see your moniker I think of that movie)


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Mrs. Segedy said:


> Well he hasn't been like this. It's just very "wham bam, thank ya ma'am." And when I told him not to worry about it, he responded with a "Well I'm not, but I'll finish you off if you'd like." I do feel he's being selfish. I make sure that if I do go before him, I make it very pleasing for him. As for oral sex, I do enjoy it and he does do it but not as often as I would like, and I'm nervous to talk to him about it, partially because I don't know how to say what I have to without being mean about it.


 Hmmmm, well I wonder what is going on with him then, sounds like it may not be you at all - but his new way of "wham bam & he is done". I know you were just being nice when you told him "not to worry about it " but I am afraid you will have to eat those words & really clue him in to how you are feeling now. 

He *IS* being a selfish lover at this point, and you don't want this to continue, it will cause a horrible rift between you both if you keep stuffing it down. Just as you admitted , even at this point, you are nervous to even talk to him-because you will come off as "Mean" somehow. 

I am a letter writer myself - if I have something very difficult/heavy to share with another, I start by disecting my feelings on paper/computer to the other person, and this helps me clarify what is going on *with me *- why I feel so hurt, wounded, which then helps me relate this to the other person in a way that may open their eyes. Of coarse many times when I am writing all of this out, I may feel like SLAM blasting the person I am MAD at-telling them what for, but of coarse always take this out, but it helps me Personally to deal with my anger -BEFORE sharing my hurt. 

Maybe you could start writing your feelings down, this 
could lead into a heartfelt letter to him about what you are NOW missing from his making love to you. 

Be sure to encourage him by saying how much you love him, love to please him & all of the wonderful stuff as well, mention some of the beautiful moments of the past, how you used to feel in his arms, etc. But as well, the truth of how you are feeling NOW and how you long to get back to what it was.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

Mrs. Segedy said:


> Blame myself for?


1. But lately it's been hard to 'get off' when we have sex.
2. He doesn't have an issue at all.
3. It's all me.
4. It's hard to explain, but I'll usually initiate sex and then I find myself disappointed with doing so.

Mrs. Segedy, maybe I don't understand the question because these are your words. It's apparent to me you blamed yourself because that is what you explicitly stated 1 time (#3), what you indicated 2 times (#1, #4), and removed him from all responsibility (#2). To me, the problem is clearly him in that he has become lazy and inconsiderate of your needs. So again, I must not understand your original post, and also don't understand your question here in your second post.


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