# Smoking and stress



## eagle

Hello,

we have been married for two and a bit years (no children). Over the past year and a half i have found out that my wife was a smoker and is a smoker now. I had asked before we got married if she had smoked as i noticed her teeth were yellowish but she denied it.

She has been experiencing over the last couple of months stressfull situations with her work and this has gone from lying about smoking, to catching her, to quiting, to full on smoking infront of me (half a pack)

It is very trying for me to keeping it together as I hate smoking since i was around 10 where i would help out at the family-business which was in a smoke-filled environment. Suffice to say we dont kiss, hugging her is difficult for me etc etc.

I am just worried that this becomes a lifestyle choice on her part. How can i provide her with comfort etc, to relieve her dependence on it to get through.

thanks
e


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## greeneyeddolphin

I'm not a smoker myself. However, both of my parents and my boyfriend are all smokers. I know when any of them get highly stressed, they smoke. I can tell when my boyfriend is super stressed because our bank account reflects the increased cigarettes. 

Unfortunately, quitting is very hard. And it's even harder when the smoker is stressed. And pushing her to quit is going to add to her stress, thereby sending her even more toward smoking. 

Is the stress at work a common thing or is it temporary? If it's only temporary, I'd try to wait until her stress eases and then gently try to guide her toward quitting. Understand that she won't just put the cigarettes down and be done. She will need to taper off or buy the patch or something to help her, I'm sure. You'll have to be willing to work with her on that. 

If the stress is a pretty common thing, you might try suggesting or helping her to find a less stressful job, and again, once the stress is gone, the gentle guidance toward quitting. 

Or, as much as I hate to see my boyfriend and my parents doing something that is so obviously bad for their health, I just accept it as a part of who they are. I love them, therefore I accept that they will smoke. If they want to quit, I fully, 100% support that, and will even gladly put up with the bad moods, getting grouched at, and so on that comes with it. But, I don't ask them to, suggest they do, or hint that they should. I know none of them would appreciate it, and I'm not willing to jeopardize any of the relationships to get them to quit.


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## candice912

People change. Nothing in life is constant. Just as you decided one day that you didn't like smoking, your wife decided one day that she wanted a cigarette. 

Okay, you hate smoking. I understand. You have a right to hate it, just as your wife has a right to enjoy it. Does that give you a right to withhold love from your wife because you don't like smoking?Are you perfect? You don't have any vices for when you get stressed? You don't eat sugar, carbs, etc? You don't drink coffee, soda or tea? Is there something your wife does that you don't like? Did you stop something for her? Is smoking a big enough deal to end your marriage over? If you withold love from your marriage, you won't make it. Okay, so you hate it, maybe you could compromise with her. Tell her you don't like it and that you hope she will quit one day, but then you need to find a way to still love your wife in the meantime if you really want to be supportive. Maybe you could ask her to go freshen up after her smoke so you can be more comfortable being affectionate with her. 

Sometimes we love someone, but we are not in love with everything they do. It's just a reality.


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