# Women hide their sexuality



## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Take a good look at the posts in this forum......My w won't have sex with me......My h won"t have sex with me......

How can a man with a HD marry a woman with a LD, or vice versa?

In our time it is almost unheard of for a couple to marry without having had sex, and yet you see literally dozens of posts saying "I am an LD/HD married to an HD/LD, HELP"

What is happening here? Do these people marry hoping to change their mates, or is one mate deliberately putting on a "dog and pony show" in the sack before the marriage just to impress or trap the other party? (no not real dogs or ponies)

If that is the case, it is almost CRIMINAL deception on the part of the offending party....

In fact if it could be proven it should be grounds for a divorce.....

What is your experience......DETAILS.....


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

This is curious to me as well, I think that sexual compatibility should be as important to discussing before marriage as finances, how to raise your future children & wanting the same things out of life. 
You can't expect to change someone, what you see is essentially what you get.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I think in a lot of cases, it evolves over time. It's not a deliberate attempt to decieve. Kids have an impact, complacency in the relationship, financial stress, aging parents... And when the stressors don't get handled, sex drive takes a hit. Then resentments and frustrations kick in... 

As far as expecting someone to change... I expect they'll change. Just figure it's a 50/50 chance at best it will be in my favor...  It's just as likely (or more likely, it seems) to get worse!

C


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## moco82 (Jul 16, 2012)

Self-deceit a lot of the times. Naive hope that other, more positive aspects of your common life would make the sexual aspect bearable.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

What I find odd is how my wife went from normal HD to excessive HD since marriage, even she doesn't know the answer and we're going to MC in regards to it. I've always been HD, but to her, it's LD


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Marital problems = decreased sex.

That's my story.

So no it wasn't like that before we got married.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

My husband was a virgin. I was inexperienced. I had two partners before him, one time with each. And, with my lack of much experience, I was practically a virgin as well. Our problems didn't come about until the last few years, when he had a breakdown and is now medicated. Still trying to get that all sorted out. So, no, we didnmarrying, nor early on.'t have the problem before


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

My wife was a virgin when we started dating. She was higher drive than me at the time and I was normal drive. 

Now she's claiming she's always tired because of the kids...but that has been an excuse for 6 years now. 

I think most marriages start out where each party is happy sexually or they wont say I do. But then the other party just starts to change for whatever reason instead of dealing with their issues or just divorcing. Thats where I'm at now. Limbo. Not happy but will never leave my daughters. So I vent frequently on TAM.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I believe reasons for mismatched sexual drives are as varied as there are couples. If the problem isn't apparent at all before the wedding and appears on the honeymoon, it's pretty clear someone was deliberately played. If the problem shows up much later in the marriage, there was apparently no intent to deceive.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

We were young and didn't really understand sex to much. It was like yes had sex, dosent matter. But I was always high drive, as was he. 

Resentments become the pink elephant in the room, sex usually takes a dive.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Why is your thread titled "women hide their sexuality"?

Are you implying that it is always the woman's fault?


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> I believe reasons for mismatched sexual drives are as varied as there are couples. If the problem isn't apparent at all before the wedding and appears on the honeymoon, it's pretty clear someone was deliberately played. If the problem shows up much later in the marriage, there was apparently no intent to deceive.


:iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Well, I didn't hide my sexuality; I assaulted him full on with it, every chance I could get, and he moved in/married me anyway. He just can't keep up. He's never had a woman with a high drive. He always says "People don't HAVE sex like this all the time.". Well...I used to.

I've stopped giving him a choice, really...it's a small thing to ask for


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Holland said:


> Why is your thread titled "women hide their sexuality"?
> 
> Are you implying that it is always the woman's fault?


Actually no, It's just a catchier heading, and I thought a lot of people would open it out of curiosity, and I knew a lot of people would respond.........

I think you will see in the body of the post, no gender was picked out as being to blame....


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

It is starting to look like resentment is the 600 lb gorilla in the room when it comes to a sexless marriage, closely followed by stress and then mental/physical issues......

I know in our case it was a combination of outside stresses caused by the illness if her 2 sisters, and the medication she was taking for stress, depression, and pain....

Do any of you blame medication for a serious decline in your sex lives?

I know SSRI's, anti anxiety drugs, and opiates inhibit the ability to orgasm. I take pain medication as the result of the effects of aging and arthritis on a badly shattered leg, but I delay taking it until I am sure sex is off the table for that evening.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

My H takes SSRIs and I'm 100% positive that they affect his drive, which is not high to begin with. But there are other things, too, it's not only the medication.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

CandieGirl said:


> My H takes SSRIs and I'm 100% positive that they affect his drive, which is not high to begin with. But there are other things, too, it's not only the medication.


If the SSRI has a noticable affect on his libido, it might be the difference between a good sex life with a few issues, to a totally lousy one.....

has your husband tried welbutrin? It is similar to an SSRI but in about 20-30 percent of users it gives the libido a boost....

Not a doctor, I have just been down these paths before.......


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

" Women hide there sexuality"...only from there husbands!

Sorrys guys I could help my self.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I think you might go into a marriage with matching drives then life kicks you in the face and suddenly one of you (or even both of you) ends up in LD territory.
With that said,there are a high number of people who are insatiable prior to the I Do's then it drops off once they're hitched and "safe".


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

The truth is, he doesn't need the SSRI anymore...or any other antidepressant, as he is no longer suffering from depression. Things are balancing out, for the most part. I think!


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## Jeapordy (Aug 12, 2012)

In my case, I was very inexperienced as was my wife when we married at a young age. So although we had a lot of sex before we got married, we didn't have a lot of experience. And if everything else in your relationship is good (especially in a young people), then you give less significance to sexual differences than you probably should.
I knew I was a lot more sexually adventurous than my wife when we got married, but she "teased" me that she would be willing to be more open. Then after kids came along, all that adventurous talk went out the window. That leads to resentment and regret.
Add to that, careers, stress, aging bodies, and life in general, you can wake up 20 years later and wonder why you aren't the people who couldn't keep their hands off of each other every minute of the day. 
I really regret both of us not having more partners before getting married. I think it would have made us both a lot more prepared, honest and ultimately happier.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Woodchuck said:


> Take a good look at the posts in this forum......My w won't have sex with me......My h won"t have sex with me......
> 
> How can a man with a HD marry a woman with a LD, or vice versa?
> 
> ...


 It was not like this in the beginning. It started about 5 years ago and over the last 3-4 years it has gotten worse. He used to be high drive and now he isn't


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

SSRIs for postpartum depression combined with oral contraceptives killed DW's drive. Me acting like an A-hole in response kept it dead for a while afterwards. Her resenting it kept it dead a bit longer after I decided I shouldn't go through life as a angry A-hole.

Life it pretty good now.


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

I dated my wife for eight years so if the sex had not fallen off during that I figurerd we were good to go.We still have a good sex life 24 years going. 

I did have a good time sexually before I was married so not too much looking back on things wishing I done.


From what I read on many of these kinds of forms is that one person plays the game knowing full well that is not who they are and after the ring goes on the finger the real person comes out.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I think you might go into a marriage with matching drives then life kicks you in the face and suddenly one of you (or even both of you) ends up in LD territory.
> With that said,there are a high number of people who are insatiable prior to the I Do's then it drops off once they're hitched and "safe".


In our case... I came into the marriage with HD on overdrive and after 18 years and at age 52... Still HD on overdrive (I could go 3x a day if possible). My wife is not HD but not LD... We have had our lulls and we have had our oh yea times (longest run - 62 straight days). To spice it up we play games... Keeps it from being predictable and vanilla. 

I just don't get why some people just don't talk about it with their partner. We have both compromised on occasion and interestingly enough has made the times when we are both really horny that much better. I would say for some but not all it comes down to communication, respect and understanding each others needs. Don't just expect, communicate.


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## Horsa (Jun 27, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I think you might go into a marriage with matching drives then life kicks you in the face and suddenly one of you (or even both of you) ends up in LD territory.
> With that said,there are a high number of people who are insatiable prior to the I Do's then it drops off once they're hitched and "safe".


I agreed with you. My DW and I did get into marriage with matching drives, and when children came along she did get a dive in her drive. My resentment towards her did break us apart, until I join TAM and began working on improving my self. And DW being "safe" played a part in this problem, also doing the same thing again and again was boring after some years.

Sometimes we just need to work hard to regain the attraction that was there in the beginning of relationship.


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

Woodchuck said:


> Take a good look at the posts in this forum......My w won't have sex with me......My h won"t have sex with me......
> 
> How can a man with a HD marry a woman with a LD, or vice versa?
> 
> ...


I think there are a several reasons for this. One thing that pops in to my mind is that many women grew up with the being told that "sex is bad" and that "men who want to have sex with u are using you" & "men only want sex from you." whatever.


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## Snookums (Nov 6, 2012)

I think a lot of it has to do with the infatuation in the beginning of the relationship and as the relationship grows older the infatuation fades away.....at least that's what I think it is in my case.


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## pb76no (Nov 1, 2012)

Woodchuck said:


> Take a good look at the posts in this forum......My w won't have sex with me......My h won"t have sex with me......
> 
> How can a man with a HD marry a woman with a LD, or vice versa?
> 
> ...


What is happening here is that you are HERE - on TAM which is going to provide you with a skewed perspective of the "world" as a whole.

I think the other commonality is the dating/honeymoon phase is not an accurate predictor of a person's drive. Plus, the longer you know/interact with your SO, the more other things can start playing a role in your desire.


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## OhhShiney (Apr 8, 2011)

Woodchuck said:


> If the SSRI has a noticable affect on his libido, it might be the difference between a good sex life with a few issues, to a totally lousy one.....
> 
> Not a doctor, I have just been down these paths before.......


HD all of my life, I could have an O every day into my 50s.

That changed when I went on a HIGH dose of SSRI for nearly 3 years. (I would have probably had a horrible demise had I not dealt with my issues, and the SSRI had a profound, positive, effect on my mental health. ) It may well have saved my life, or at least rescued me from an unhappy marriage with my ex. But on the SSRI, I had a HUGE decrease in sex drive and began having sexual issues, usually delayed or no O, and sometimes ED. 

Thankfully, things got MUCH better within a year after quitting the SSRI. Two years after I took my last SSRI, I am STILL having some peculiar issues now and then, but at least I can finish and my mechanics are working as expected. 

I suppose that the SSRI may have cause me to seem to be lower drive than I was when I met my wife, and the slow return of my usual HD has caused a few issues over time. Certainly, my SSRI induced LD made it possible for me to see clearly enough to deal with divorcing my EX.


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

No, the level of sex wasn't where I wanted it to be when we got married, but it was a lot more than it is now.
I naturally assumed it would increase a bit with marriage...when it actually went the other direction, slowly, but surly.
After 13 years of dwindling sex, I am putting my foot down and changing things around for an increase. I've gone too long making up the difference with increased masturbation. I'm tired of masturbating, (not really, but would much rather have love making with the wife than to take matters into my own hands.)
Basically, she has been happy with the frequency, while I have not.
I plan to change this around to where I am happy with the frequency and quality of sex, and hope she is on the same page. If she chooses not to be on the same page, she may find herself being transferred to another book.


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