# Insecure? Paranoia? Baggage? Cheating?



## sleeptodream (Jun 7, 2012)

Here's my story...

My husband has always worked in an office of men. He left work & took off for 2 years to raise our little girls (We have a 2 year old & a one year old). He went back to work in October 2011. His new office has a lot of females who are young & very pretty. We are both 35 & I'm having a hard time accepting that I am not the youngest, prettiest thing anymore.
Anyhow, he has developed a "friendship" with one girl in particular. He has spoke of her several times. I kind of know her life history based on his conversations.
Anyhow, he gets off work at 4pm & I get off work at 5:30pm. I have always assumed he comes right home after work. I have learned recently that he's been going to happy hour & not telling me. When I confronted him he said that if he told me I would freak out. He said what's the big deal if he still gets home by the time I do?
I have started going through his phone, email, facebook, etc. He is friends with the girl on facebook, but it doesn't appear that they talk on there at all. What I have seen was text messages back & forth. Some dirty jokes exchanged, etc. Of course after I confronted him with my insecurity he has suddenly been sleeping with his phone. He said that he has done nothing wrong & that I need to seek counseling for my trust issues (which I have). 
Of course now that I can't look in his phone, I am a complete mess. I am still able to look at our cell phone bill, but the girl has an iphone, so all of their texts are imessages. I don't think a keylogger would do me any good because he rarely uses the home computer. He is ALWAYS on his phone or the Kindle Fire.

Am I being paranoid or am I catching the early stages of something developing?


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

trust your gut...you are catching the early stages IMO


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

You have every right to be paranoid. Sorry I think there is a very fine line with female/male friendships... I am not comfortable with anything that he is doing myself. Why are they texting each other to begin with?


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

..and the fact that he is hiding his phone from you I don't like that one bit...he is not doing much to reassure you. Who is this girl, is she single/married? I know there are plenty who think that nothing wrong with him having a female friend..I am not comfortable with it. If my H was texting/going out drinking with another female..no fricken way. The only texts that H gets are from his male buddies and family.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

might not even be "early"


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## sleeptodream (Jun 7, 2012)

When I talk to him about it he says that I don't trust him & that he would do nothing to jeopardize our marriage or our family. He said he takes his vows seriously.
I asked him how he would feel if the tables were turned & he said he trusts me so there would be no issue.

How can I see what they are imessaging each other? I feel like that is the only way I can verify what is going on. 
I'm not sure how the Apple ID thing works, but when we first got our iphone 4s he was receiving my imessages because we were on the same itunes account. I had switched it over to my email address, so that isn't happening anymore.
I'm wondering if I switch my phone over to his username will i get his imessages?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

as iheartlife will tell you- get the book, "Not Just Friends" by Shirley glass

Edit- hope beat her to it this time


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Get the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass, read it, and have your husband read it. This is NOT OK, whether you have trust issues or not.

I cannot emphasize enough - get that book. Everything you need to know is in it.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

sleeptodream said:


> When I talk to him about it he says that I don't trust him & that he would do nothing to jeopardize our marriage or our family. He said he takes his vows seriously.
> I asked him how he would feel if the tables were turned & he said he trusts me so there would be no issue.
> 
> How can I see what they are imessaging each other? I feel like that is the only way I can verify what is going on.
> ...


does he sync his phone physically to a computer or use the icloud to get updates?


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I agree with you investigate this to the full extent..messages, texts, etc. 

Perhaps try using a VAR in his vehicle as well. 

It is a sick feeling dealing with this but it will eat you alive until you know for sure.


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## sleeptodream (Jun 7, 2012)

This girl is shady, shady, shady imo.
She's 30 & has been married & divorced twice. The last time she was divorced was within the last year & she has a boyfriend that she's living with who happened to work with her at the same place as her....Maybe that's why she got divorced!


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

ah...same comments by my H...it may just be starting (yay for you) but at the same time is spirals. That is the best book ever so download it and start reading today! My H didn't "see" it coming and a year later he says he never thought he was "that" kind of man. FYI they don't realize it!


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

sleeptodream said:


> I confronted him with my insecurity he has suddenly been sleeping with his phone. He said that he has done nothing wrong & that I need to seek counseling for my trust issues (which I have).


There is absolutely NO SCENARIO where this is good. Those are huge, unmistakeable tells.

Knowing what I know, if that happened I would smirk and internally say "gotcha".


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## sleeptodream (Jun 7, 2012)

He has plugged in our iphones on the computer to update them, so I'm sure that they are syncing as well.
I tried to go on the computer this morning to find the back up & I feel like I clicked every folder, but didn't see anything.

I don't know if the VAR will help because I still have access to our cellphone bills & can see who he's calling. He seems to call her only on occassion for a minute tops.

I guess it would be interesting to see what that quick conversation is. I have a feeling that their "relationship" happens strictly during work hours & happy hour. 
I am nervous about getting caught with a VAR.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Way to retrieve deleted text messages from iphone - Truth About Deception

For text messages file, 3d0d7e5fb2ce288813306e4d4636395e047a3d28


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Mac: ~/Library/Application Support/MobileSync/Backup/
Windows XP: \Documents and Settings\(username)\Application Data\Apple Computer\MobileSync\Backup\
Windows Vista and Windows 7: \Users\(username)\AppData\Roaming\Apple Computer\MobileSync\Backup\


and then the file number keko posted


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## sleeptodream (Jun 7, 2012)

Perfect! I will try it tonight! So if we are syncing our phones & getting the new apple updates, the file should be there, right?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

yes the most recent one from the last update, so let's say he synced it April 10th and then on May 30th, you would get the texts from that span, if you sync it again you will get the most recent ones


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## lisa1975 (Jun 8, 2012)

Unfortunately I don't think you are paranoid, he seems not too kken about telling you everything about his life and he is obviously keeping things from you. There are a few more emotioal affair signs that you should look for and it will help you undertand if that is what you are dealing with:

1. If he has a truly personal relationship with some intensity, the relationship has probably crossed over to an emotional affair.

2. Sharing private thoughts – If he shares his most private thoughts with someone other than you – this means he is developing an emotional connection.

3. Is he hiding or revealing the extent of the side relationship? Meaning – Does he announce receiving new text messages? Does he tell you what they say? If not – this is a sign of an emotional affair.

4. When you ask him about these little signs – does he get angry and try to blame you for snooping instead of answering your question? If the answer is yes – It means he is feeling guilty and trying to hide the truth shift the attention to you.

Generally, the response from the person who has been “caught” is to argue, “What, you mean I can’t have a friend of the opposite sex?”

I'm sorry for what you are going through.


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## sleeptodream (Jun 7, 2012)

I couldn't find the files. I went to the C drive, went to Documents & settings...at that point it gave me 2 folders - ALL USERS or USER, I clicked on both & neither one had a folder called Application data.
Any other way I can find it?
I tried searching the computer for the text file 3d07e5fb etc. but nothing came up.
I tried searching the computer for icloud & nothing...


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

which OS?


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## sleeptodream (Jun 7, 2012)

I'm not sure...it's a couple of years old so I would guess Windows Vista or Windows 7.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

very strange, all PC's have an application data folder, that folder is not just for itunes


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

sleeptodream said:


> I couldn't find the files. I went to the C drive, went to Documents & settings...at that point it gave me 2 folders - ALL USERS or USER, I clicked on both & neither one had a folder called Application data.
> Any other way I can find it?
> I tried searching the computer for the text file 3d07e5fb etc. but nothing came up.
> I tried searching the computer for icloud & nothing...


If I understand you correctly, you're going to the "documents" subfolder; you need to back up a bit to the c drive.

I don't have an appdata folder on our PC computer. Another way to try is to go to documents, then in the left-hand column, choose the C:/ drive which gets you to the root drive where this stuff is going to be stored. I have an "apps" folder, but it's empty; there's also program files, where this stuff is most likely stored, I think.

Wish someone more computer geek would chime in!


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Sometimes the application data folder may be hidden and the user needs to deselect it from the view folders tab.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

By the way, sleeping with his phone is probably the WORST red flag that there is. Also, telling you you'll just have to trust him is, too.

What this translates to is a budding emotional affair...it is isn't more already.

Does he password his phone? If you have no other way around it, I'd steal it in the middle of the night, lock myself in the bathroom, and have at it.

yours truly,
someone whose husband slept with his phone for YEARS and she never once did the same and now regrets it mightily


P.S.: have you checked the ONLINE phone records? Verizon at least shows every single text (not the words, just the to number, from number, day, time, locations) for the current month. After that it's just a lump amount. But verizon also helps you analyze usage so you can see which number is called the most. Let's say he calls her number more than he usually calls you, for example--does it really matter that the calls are 1 minute calls?

I set up an online account for my husband's phone only after discovering he was still in his emotional affair. It's easy, go on the computer and set it up if you haven't already. It will send an email to his phone, advising him the account has been created, but if you go in and print off the info. you need that isn't in the paper bill, who cares. Edited to say, just time it so you get what you need before he complains and/or changes the password to the account.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

BTW, forgot something important: if you find evidence--DO NOT CONFRONT! Rookie mistake! He will delete it, slap a password on it, and then clam up like Fort Knox. SAVE all your evidence and get more advice before confronting.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Let's do the math here:

He is going to happy hours w/ the aforementioned co-worker unbenownst to you

+

You find out he's sending inapproriate sex. jokes to said co-worker and after confront him he 

+

Starts sleeping with his phone 

=

Your gut is right.

People don't start hiding/sleeping with their phone unlss there is somethign to hide.

I'd tell him how you feel on the subject and hope he can understand where you are coming from. Use the "flip agument" -Asking how he'd feel if you were doing that with a colleague (everything he's done), including sleeping with your phone.

As a man, he would totally not like if you were doing this with another dude at your job. No way.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> People don't start hiding/sleeping with their phone unlss there is somethign to hide.
> 
> I'd tell him how you feel on the subject and hope he can understand where you are coming from. Use the "flip agument" -Asking how he'd feel if you were doing that with a colleague (everything he's done), including sleeping with your phone.
> 
> As a man, he would totally not like if you were doing this with another dude at your job. No way.


:iagree:

I leave my phone lying in the open because I don't have anything to hide. She could go thru my text messages and I wouldn't mind one bit. And I think she has.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

sleeptodream said:


> He has plugged in our iphones on the computer to update them, so I'm sure that they are syncing as well.
> I tried to go on the computer this morning to find the back up & I feel like I clicked every folder, but didn't see anything.
> 
> I don't know if the VAR will help because I still have access to our cellphone bills & can see who he's calling. He seems to call her only on occassion for a minute tops.
> ...












iPhone Backup Extractor for Windows and Mac

It will automatically get the info from the sync folder.


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## sleeptodream (Jun 7, 2012)

Thanks for all of the info.
I feel like I'm in complete denial over here. I keep freaking out & then he'll be sweet as pie & I think to myself that it's not possible. 
He did have a password on his phone but told me that it's because he doesn't want the kids getting in there & deleting something. Then he just recently said that he doesn't have a password on it, which I know is true because as of our last "arguement" I was able to get in just fine. But of course when I saw the text & confornted him that's when his phone has been on lock down. For a long time he would fall asleep with his phone in his pocket & not put it on the charger, but just recently he has not put his phone on the charger for over 2 weeks.
My cellphone bill won't show the imessages between their 2 iphones. 
I looked again & I have windows xp. I went to the C Drive/ then documents & programs/ then there were 2 different user folders...I went into both of them & there was no such folder title application data.
I am SOO afraid he is going to catch me snooping. He definitely has a way of turning things around!

I will check out the link this weekend & hopefully will get into the back ups! Thank you everyone! I cannot thank you enough!


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## sleeptodream (Jun 7, 2012)

Also, I have learned from my mistake & am NOT going to confront him until I have all of my ducks in a row. That was a terrible mistake & now he is being more "careful".


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## sleeptodream (Jun 7, 2012)

How long will this take to download? And after I get the information, should I delete it from my computer? I don't want him to see what I'm doing.
Will this also track the imessages?




lordmayhem said:


> iPhone Backup Extractor for Windows and Mac
> 
> It will automatically get the info from the sync folder.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

1]It is not ok for a husband to hide his phone from his wife and vice - versa. 
Both my wife and I have iphones ,and she being the " techie " does all the installation of applications etc. I have no time nor patience with it ,neither anything to hide. I had a blackberry before , and she transferred all the info from my B.Berry to my iphone ,email addresses ,saved messages, contacts everything. 
Another time I lost my phone and she actually lent me her phone for a couple of days.
That " sleeping with phone " stunt is pure rubbish.
Just sayin

2] It is not ok for a married 30+ yr old man with children to be hanging out with girls half his age at a bar / pub during " happy hours ."
I had a bad experience with that,but I will post it another time


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## sleeptodream (Jun 7, 2012)

Hi Everyone!

I finally got into the iphone backup. The folder was hidden, so I figured out to unhide & there it was.
Weird question though...each file that I found was from a previous back up from my phone. I didn't see any from his phone. They seemed to be all of my text messages. How is that possible? I'm pretty sure he has ZERO idea as to where to find the backup, so I'm sure it wasn't deleted.

Thanks!


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> 1]It is not ok for a husband to hide his phone from his wife and vice - versa.
> Both my wife and I have iphones ,and she being the " techie " does all the installation of applications etc. I have no time nor patience with it ,neither anything to hide. I had a blackberry before , and she transferred all the info from my B.Berry to my iphone ,email addresses ,saved messages, contacts everything.
> *Another time I lost my phone and she actually lent me her phone for a couple of days.*
> That " sleeping with phone " stunt is pure rubbish.
> Just sayin


^this


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