# Husband dissatisfied with sex



## EmpressofIceCream (Mar 20, 2013)

My husband and I are a young couple, just approaching having been married for 2 years, and are starting to have some issues in our sex life unfortunately. 

I used to be on the pill, but it lowered my sex drive considerably - I just didn't want it that much. It was really uncomfortable to him not having sex much and I stopped taking it, and we just started using condoms. I thought things had picked up well enough to satisfy him, but last night he told me that he's been really frustrated with the quantity and quality of our sexual encounters, and every time he has to take care of it himself it feels like "an act of desperation". 

This makes me incredibly sad but there's a catch. He wants me to be more sexually active with him... but he also wants me to be more eager and satisfied. I just haven't been! How am I supposed to meet his needs while suddenly becoming more excited about it? I have been incredibly busy, depressed and generally unhappy - our housemates drive me crazy - my grades at the college I'm attending are slipping - I've gained weight since we got married and haven't been able to lose it - I've lost contact with most of my friends and don't feel like I have a support network. Sex is the last thing on my mind right now, and while I have no worries with just DOING it more, I absolutely cannot guarantee some mind-blowing experience. I have depression. Honestly, at this point I'd feel a little better taking care of my sexual needs myself, because it usually becomes such a stressful experience trying to satisfy him. 

I guess I've just been boring and disinterested. To me, attending to my sex drive has been not unlike occasionally scratching an itch; it's all quickies and just getting it done with so I can worry with what feels like everything that's pressing down on me. We've also had increased tension because he keeps asking me how he can please me but I basically don't have an answer. In some ways I feel like he doesn't touch me the way he used to; it may be my perception, but I find myself correcting him in bed (in a way I hope is gentle, but you can't know how that stuff comes off) and he doesn't really understand so it ends up being nonproductive and furthers his idea that we are just not having good sex. 

What do I do? :\ I know this is a HUGE problem for him and is creating tension between us, and I want to address it but I have no idea where to begin.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I'm reading between the lines here, please tell me if you are saying that you feel part of the problem is that the sex you are having with him isn't that great? You mentioned that you sometimes correct him in bed, and he doesn't touch you like he used to. If you are feeling a lack of sexual attraction and not feeling like the sex itself is very good, you are going to really need to start doing some talking and get this thing worked out.

Well, that is, if you want to stay married.

Letting your marriage become sexless is the same as signing your divorce papers now.

So, where to begin? Get really honest with yourself (and him) and separate the issues so you can deal with them separately:

Depresssion - eat better and get regular exercise! If you aren't doing these things, not only your mental health will suffer but also your sex life.

Housemates - get them out. No excuses about money. What is more important, your marriage or having housemates?

Weight - no one can help you on this but yourself. If you feel squishy and it makes you not want to have sex, then get yourself the cutest lingerie in the world that makes you feel sexy to get into the mood while wearing it. Be focused on the way the pretty fabric feels against your skin, instead of being focused on feeling squishy. And also, lose the weight! Again, that's something only YOU can take care of. 

Grades - Stress from work or school do dampen a person's sex drive, it is true. But they don't have to END a person's sex life. If you can't get horny because you are under too much stress, the answer is not to just let your sex life fall off the map. The answer is to get your stress under control as much as possible. If that means dropping a few classes so you can concentrate on the most important ones right now, do it.

Sexual performance and sexual attraction - if there are issues in this area (which you implied) you will need to discuss them like an adult with your adult husband. You need to be able to tell your spouse what is working and what isn't working. I think a lot of people don't realize just how much of sex is actually communication.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Faithful wife very well and eloquently written 
Great Job 

EmpressofIceCream I don't know how anyone could add

Communicate X 1,000,000,000 

Stay faithful 
Have Fun Always


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

EmpressofIceCream said:


> He wants me to be more sexually active with him... but he also wants me to be more eager and satisfied. I just haven't been! How am I supposed to meet his needs while suddenly becoming more excited about it?


You have to just do it. For your husband, sex is a primary need. So try to relate it to one of your primary needs. For many women, communication is a primary need.

Imagine if your husband came here and posted, "My wife wants me to communicate more, but she also wants me to act like I enjoy communicating." He would be laughed at. Women deserve husbands who enjoy having conversations with them. It's no different than men deserving fulfilling sex lives with their wives.



> Sex is the last thing on my mind right now, and while I have no worries with just DOING it more, I absolutely cannot guarantee some mind-blowing experience.


First of all, sex doesn't have to be mind blowing. You're trying to set up an impossible standard so that you have an excuse for not trying to meet it. So forget mind blowing.

Here is the realistic standard that every man would give one of his testicles for. Enthusiasm. Enthusiastic sex is like manna from heaven. You don't have to copy porn film moves. You don't have to give him multiple orgasms. It doesn't have to be unforgettable. But it needs to be enthusiastic. Unenthusiastic sex is mind numbing. It's soul crushing. It's marriage killing.

Also, as Faithfulwife said, make sex a priority. If you don't have time to have sex with your husband and do X, then you should probably stop doing X. It is only OK to put sex on the back burner in temporary and/or emergency situations. If you have the flu, forget about sex until you recover. Unless your problem is that kind of problem, then don't let it become more of a priority than sex with your husband.

Good luck.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Your proirities in life are upside down.

The top of your prorities is how you organize your life so that you are in a sexual marriage.


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## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

PHTlump hits it out of the park, as usual.


A little bit of effort goes a long way. Put it this way

If my wife come to bed in a flannel night gown and says "you wanna come over," I'm not really very interested.

If my wife come to bed in a flannel night gown and says "I'm pretty stressed out after today. If you come over and f*%$ the hell out of me, I might be able to get some sleep." I am suddenly very intrigued.

Just a pinch of enthusiasm can completely change the dynamic


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

It seems to me that your priorities are off. You are putting your husband on the back burner along with the pleasures of sex with him, the stress relief, rejuvination and great feelings it can bring in order to rush back to ruminating on your worries? That's backwards. Give you husband your time and focus give your problems and worries a time out. You don't need to perform circus acts. Just be present with him. Take your time and enjoy him. That's all he wants.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Can you identify some things that you two do together that help you feel that special connection? 

Asking you to dump all your stresses so you can focus on enthusiastic sex is kind of hard, so start slow. Make time for you and H to be together, ask for a back rub, take a long bath together. Focus on being together in the moment so you can get rid of the build up of stress that keeps you from being an enthusiastic sex partner.

You mention he doesn't touch you like he used to. Has he stopped flirting with you? Do you two send each other suggestive texts through out the day? Men seem to have an easy on switch and view sex as a good stress reliever. When I was your age I couldn't get into sex if I was stressed. Catch 22 that you two need to work out together. 

Spend time doing something fun together, then be enthusiastic in bed. 

I don't get how he expects you to automatically enjoy it more... Is HE willing to put some more effort into getting you aroused?


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

I agree with you anon, but its just a temporary dump. My thinking was he has been different with her because of her lack of response and percieved rejection. But yes, the op likely does need to feel more support and connection outside the bedroom to help her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

inarut said:


> I agree with you anon, but its just a temporary dump. My thinking was he has been different with her because of her lack of response and percieved rejection. But yes, the op likely does need to feel more support and connection outside the bedroom to help her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's a hard circle of behavior to break. Resentment just keeps growing on both sides.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Let me look into my backward gazing crystal ball.

Hmm. Turns out this is a rerun. I've seen this episode, and I know how it ends - and it's no surprise.

You're just seeing the tip of the iceberg with your husband. He's far more hurt and worried about your future together than you can possibly imagine, if I can guess correctly. Good for you, coming here and asking advice. 

As others have said, make sex a priority. Don't make sex the last thing you do at night before going to sleep, make it the thing you do before dinner, or when you need that break from studying. Approach it with willingness to try anything within reason, not with the expectation of earth shattering satisfaction every time, but rather with the enthusiasm that comes from engaging in the only thing on the planet you two have promised to do with no other. 

Make sure you take time to focus on you in bed, too. Have a "his" night and a "her" night, when you get to call the shots and decide the agenda. Don't get stuck in the role of always giving for or giving in to the other person, but sacrifice for each other sometimes. Expect him to do his part, and be prepared to do yours. Be GGG - Good, game, and giving. 

You do NOT want to look back 5, 10, or 25 years from now with regret on how your now-wasted sex life fizzled into slow failure. Whatever you need to do, be sure to do it.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Cletus I agree with everything you wrote. But.. There always is a but..

When I gaze backward I get pissed off all over again. If a husband wants better sex, HE needs to FIRST ask what HE can do to get her more aroused. HE needs to ensure that they are spending time together and that HE is doing HIS part. Once that has been taken care of, if the problem still exists, ONLY then does he say to his wife, this ain't working.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Cletus I agree with everything you wrote. But.. There always is a but..
> 
> When I gaze backward I get pissed off all over again. If a husband wants better sex, HE needs to FIRST ask what HE can do to get her more aroused. HE needs to ensure that they are spending time together and that HE is doing HIS part. Once that has been taken care of, if the problem still exists, ONLY then does he say to his wife, this ain't working.


I didn't realize I was being gender specific in my response. I would have said the same to a man with the same issues.

Some will still find that there are barriers which they cannot overcome through any amount of effort. Sometimes doing hir (sic) part just means more frequent access to lackluster sex. "You've been nice to me all week, so do what you have to" is every bit as satisfying as it sounds. 

The gender of the participants is uninteresting.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

No, you were not gender specific. I think that before we take a problem in a relationship to the partner asking for for help, we must first look at ourselves and find ways we contribute.

I recognize that this is a hot button issue. That men who want more sex will go to the ends of the earth and repave the way so she is in the mood. But we also have women who get ignored day in and day out except when he wants sex.

Interesting how we all read into this our own history...


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Cletus I agree with everything you wrote. But.. There always is a but..
> 
> When I gaze backward I get pissed off all over again. If a husband wants better sex, HE needs to FIRST ask what HE can do to get her more aroused. HE needs to ensure that they are spending time together and that HE is doing HIS part. Once that has been taken care of, if the problem still exists, ONLY then does he say to his wife, this ain't working.


100% agree....it takes effort from him too!








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> No, you were not gender specific. I think that before we take a problem in a relationship to the partner asking for for help, we must first look at ourselves and find ways we contribute.
> 
> I recognize that this is a hot button issue. That men who want more sex will go to the ends of the earth and repave the way so she is in the mood. But we also have women who get ignored day in and day out except when he wants sex.
> 
> Interesting how we all read into this our own history...


Agree with both your perspectives.

Will add it seems like the OP understands instinctively these are her issues to fix, so the reminder for her H to fix his stuff is not necessary.

It's a good thing the OP has realized she has issues. Not fixing them and letting the sex suffer effectively punishes her husband for stuff that he did not cause and cannot control. That's is a recipe for failure for any kind of relationship.


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## EmpressofIceCream (Mar 20, 2013)

Okay, just an update, but in some ways things have become better, in some ways worse. 

A lot of you basically said the same thing - and you're right. The external factors in my life should not be my first priority. So I attended to at least one of them - I dropped a class that has been nothing but headaches and tears, and made some time to be with him. (The housemates are here to stay unfortunately - we instead will be moving out when our lease is up in late July or August). I am still incredibly depressed but I am systematically cutting own on stress sources.

So here's the thing. We had sex a couple times, really slow, lots of foreplay, and I was surprised that it was actually wonderful! I've been trying to initiate every time I get the "urge" and I guess it has worked somewhat. However I don't feel like it's completely cured yet and I don't really understand why. 

He told me yesterday that he would be happier if I lost weight. I am not sure if this is a reasonable request. I told him ok but I'm really upset that he said that. I feel very unattractive and the small sexual confidence I had seems to be deflated again. 

Faithful Wife, thank you for the advice. Do you really think that simply diet and exercise can cure my depression? I worry that it is something chemical or something "wrong with me" - I always seem to end up in these spirals, no matter what. I guess I will be trying these methods anyway though because I need to lose the weight.

Thanks Anon Pink. I guess we haven't really been flirty. We have never done the suggestive texts thing - primarily because he is really bad at dirty talk. It is kind of adorable, I really don't mind, it is just not a skill set of his. Every time I've tried to get him to participate in some form of dirty talk he ends up saying something so strange I almost want to giggle. He really does try though. 

Cletus, you do seem to have made an accurate prediction now that this weight thing is coming out. He just seems really worried and afraid and I don't know what to do. We just keep talking but no reconciliation has been found yet. 

I guess, in summary, I keep discovering all these little layers and areas where each of us is a little dissatisfied with how the other is acting. I don't think it's irreparable, I absolutely want to fix it, but I think this is maybe about a lot more than sex. Sigh.


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## vegasruby (Apr 30, 2013)

EmpressofIceCream said:


> This makes me incredibly sad but there's a catch. He wants me to be more sexually active with him... but he also wants me to be more eager and satisfied. I just haven't been! How am I supposed to meet his needs while suddenly becoming more excited about it?


I understand. I told my husband I am not an actress. One thing you are going to get with me is the real me. I am not a fake. I cannot fake in any situation and that includes sex.


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## vegasruby (Apr 30, 2013)

EmpressofIceCream said:


> He told me yesterday that he would be happier if I lost weight. I am not sure if this is a reasonable request. I told him ok but I'm really upset that he said that. I feel very unattractive and the small sexual confidence I had seems to be deflated again.


I feel for you. He wants more and more. Can you live up to his expectations? What an awful spot to be in.


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## the blackwolf (May 2, 2013)

ok im 10 years with my wife and we just talked it hard but it make you both stronger i still learning things about my wife now one thing i did learn was this sex is ment to be fun so try to keep it like that get some toys get him to dress up jump him when he is not expting it suprise him teach him to suprise you you need to make time kick the house mates out i know i have been letting thing get on top of me and have just found out my wife wants me in her sleep so keep learning and work on it hope you last till you are both old anf gray ok


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

vegasruby said:


> I feel for you. He wants more and more. Can you live up to his expectations? What an awful spot to be in.


Wow this is a canned woman response you do not want to fall into it will make things worse. I'm guessing she can here for help. So here's my 2 cents. 
If your over weight you know it already and work toward getting that under control. Confidence will go a long way to sparking your sex drive....but I think your sex drive is his issue to repair. I would have him read a Married Man Sex Life Primer. Most men have no real understanding of what it is that triggers a woman's sex drive. It's natural to think the other sex thinks the way we do as men... Wrong. Tell him he can fix it. Educate him. Men love to fix things.


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## vegasruby (Apr 30, 2013)

MrBrains said:


> It's natural to think the other sex thinks the way we do as men... Wrong.


When I say that I get flamed. 

Yes, she did come looking for help. I saw plenty telling her their 2 cents. I was just being supportive. I was empathetic. She was obviously having troubles.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

He'd be happier if you lost weight?

Wow.

You should have retorted I'd be happier if you were smart enough not to tell a woman shes too fat...especially YOUR wife!

Seriously this is more than just sex sounds controlling.
You have you work cut out.


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