# trust issues



## michelle2012 (Jan 5, 2012)

Hi everyone,

I have been married for a year, to a guy that I know for about two years now. I feel he has been quite honest with me about his past relationships and sexual indulgences.

But one thing that bothers me is that he has a roving eye. I agree that hot women attract a lot of stares. I just wish that he was a little more subtle when he looks at women.But I still wouldn't label it as abnormal or problematic behaviour.

Now the incident from last night. We were out with his friends for dinner and drinks. And he was rotten wasted. It was about 1 in the morning when when we were still at the restaurant and his phone beeped (he got a message and was messaging someone back for about half an hour before that). This was going on when I was sitting right next to him. But I did not try to peep or ask questions because his friends were sitting right in front of us at the same table.

When we got home, he did the things he usually does when he is drunk. Tells me how much he loves and how I mean more to him than anything else in this world and how he could give everything up just to see me smile. And he was like SLOSHED at this point. He could barely walk or keep his eyes open. But he was saying my name (which kinda was a relief  ) and saying all these things.

Then he went passed out on the bed. My curiosity got the better of me and I checked his phone. There is this hot teenage girl who stays close by. She is like certified hot and beautiful and is every guy's fantasy. My husband is 30. I saw that she was the first one to send him a smiley at 12:30 am. After asking her "wassup" etc he messaged saying "you do know that I am always there for you". And then she replied saying "Why all of a sudden? Yes I know". Then he asked her out of nowhere "you ok?" She replied "Yes, all good "

I found this really bizarre and disturbing. Now I know that this girl, who has been with half the guys in our area already, is going through a rough break up. And my husband, who knows her boyfriend, has taken up the responsibility of ensuring a smooth break up, without anyone telling him. This is also one of the reasons why we fight. Its not like he is best friends with either of them. Why is he getting involved in the break up?? Who has asked for his help??! She wanted to break ties with that guy and he, who is hell bent on not breaking up, asked my husband her whereabouts. Since she is not replying to his calls etc. So that's where my husband came into the picture.

So to give him the benefit of the doubt, I feel that he could be trying to comfort her since she is going through this. But that was a month back I think, not sure. I am so irritated with all this. Now every time his phone rings I get suspicious. 

I just need some pep talk. Anyone?? 
--


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

I dont know if your husband was too drunk or not but he wasn't hiding the fact that he was texting her. Also, the comments exchanged weren't anything inappropriate (it seemed). Did you check the history of texts on phone, past ones that are still on his mobile? 

However, if you feel uncomfortible, you need to express your feelings to him. Do you want him to stop this communication with her? If you do, then tell him, see how he responds.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Please do not accept to hold the inappropriate exchange between them. He is a married man and should not be engaging in such behavior with another woman. You deserve better.


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## michelle2012 (Jan 5, 2012)

I need advice on 'confrontations'. The thing is, I'll do my snooping around, without letting him know. So he is under the impression that I know nothing. Even when he stares at other women, I pretend that I didn't notice. Which leads him to believe that I do not pay attention and hence am unaware. We have actually had this conversation, although in a playful, light manner. Wherein I have told him that I do not like to over react to things, but that does not mean that I don't notice!

Question for women: Say your husband is indulging in some discreet suspicious behaviour, say texting someone in the middle of the night or generally messaging continously at a restaurant or something while you sit there clueless, how do you confront him? Do you just ask him "who is that? or who are you messaging??" I do not know how to deal with this on a very basic level. I mean forget cheating and infidelity etc etc. How does a wife make it her own business when she wants to know who is her husband interacting with. And luckily my husband isn't one of those who'll ask me to mind my own business. He is not exactly secretive. If I ask I am sure he will give me a reply, might not be the truth, but he will respond without insulting me.

When you confront him, and if he asks, "how did you know" what to tell him?? I also face an ego issue to tell him that "hey, while u were sleeping, I went through your mails or messages etc

Please help!!!


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## l4u (Jun 6, 2012)

Humble Pie said:


> Also, the comments exchanged weren't anything inappropriate (it seemed).


Buddy I have to disagree. The comments were very inappropriate for someone who is in a relationship. 
Why does he have to be there for her? Why him? Doesn't she have other close friends? 
After all it's not his business.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Sorry about the circumstances that brought you here, but I think you are in a good place to work out your issues. Maybe not the only place you will need, but a good one.

My first concern is that your husband is flirting with jailbait and that needs to be stopped immediately. Would you want her parents knocking on your door one evening? Or if it gets to a PA, the police?

I am divorced and on the verge of another marriage. I feel that my first marriage was marred by a lot of EAs, inappropriate behaviour, my exH flirting and deferring to other women. It's not a good feeling.

OTOH, looking back on things, maybe my ex said it **** it, because I never took control of things. I deferred to him....and he took advantage of it. Imagine a world where even your husband's friends' wives bypass you to communicate with your spouse.

So I've learned a thing or two. This time around when I felt that my boyfriend was engaging in an inappropriate friendship, I did some snooping to get to the bottom of it, or as close as possible. Effectively, he was elevating an FB arrangement to an "ex" relationship and trying to frame her as just a friend.

One of the last e-mails that they share between each other, he was telling her about a trip that was taking with a "friend" as he told me. It was a male friend, mind you, but I still feel that he was setting the baseline so that every time he did something, it would be with a "friend" and then it really wouldn't matter who he was with, because, of course, "friend" covers just about every relationship outside of family and long term partner. 

I was a little bit shy about admitting that I snooped, but now I don't care. If my Long term partner -- the person with whom I share my home, finances, family, my free time and so on......has a problem with my wanting to know how he spends his/our valuable resources (time, money, etc), well, then, Houston, we have a problem.

Michelle, your husband should not be texting other people while out with his wife and/or friends. Exceptions include emergencies, that is life or death situations or perhaps something time sensitive ie. My BIL is coming to town tomorrow, I just want to respond to this text real quick.......

If your husband has a problem with this, then you need to ask yourself, do you want to work around this attitude the rest of your life or not?

I will admit it's a tough question and maybe some of the other posters can suggest some intermediate things that you can do/ try. But I do think that men respect women who take charge. My bf has not once become angry that I snooped. Instead, he has spent time and effort changing his behaviour so that I can trust him.

I am also thankful that this ugly problem came to light sooner rather than later. Maybe it would have been harder to take a stand after more than a year of exclusive dating or worse, marriage. 

But my attitude about this has strengthened, if my husband wants "special" friends that I have to work around, then I am perfectly happy to become one of those special friends while I go look for someone else who is more worthy of me.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He might be doing a Knight in Shining Armour act. (Well, he might be!)

By the way, here's a curious thing. My wife will often say: "Hey! Look at that girl there! Isn't she gorgeous?"

I will look over at some thin creature -not my cup of tea, as it happens!- and say: "I suppose so!"

Later I will see a woman who I think is hot (not thin, perhaps with fairly thick legs) and my wife will say: "God! What a sight! Isn't she hideous?"

And my response will be: "I suppose so!"

Having said that, you are right to be concerned, monitor the situation.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

I don't think your husband is cheating on you.

I think you should *have a talk with your husband and come to an understanding about what is and is not acceptable in a marriage*. Don't make a big deal about it, just bring it up when you both are free and have some time to talk.

First of all, checking other women out in front of you is disrespectful to you. Not only do you feel disrespected directly, but other people, like your friends and maybe even family, notice it, and they make assumptions about both you and your husband - like, "did you see how her husband blatantly looks at other women right in front of her?" and "Yes, and she didn't even say anything about it." 

LET YOUR HUSBAND KNOW HE LOOKS LIKE A CREEP OR A PERVE TO EVERYONE WHEN HE OGLES OTHER WOMEN IN FRONT OF YOU AND THAT IT MAKES YOU FEEL DISRESPECTED AS WELL. Tell him he should try to be more disciplined and make an effort not to do it and, if he does, he must do it much more subtly. I am a man and when I see another man looking women up and down, I think of that man as lacking in basic social skills or common sense, even moreso if he does it in front of his wife or girlfriend.

Second of all, you and your husband should both agree that there is no secrecy in marriage and that both of you have access and passwords to the other's devices and accounts so you can look at anytime. If there is nothing to hide, why would either of you care about the other looking at it (except for planning a surprise party or one buying a gift for the other online)? I have seen the expression on this website that privacy is for the bathroom, there is no secrecy in marriage.

Third of all, from your description of what is going on, your 30-year-old husband looks very immature to be getting involved in the breakup of a teenager and her boyfriend. This also strikes me as being CREEPY or PERVY. He shouldn't be involved in giving advice or help in her love life in any way, shape, or form.

Finally, texting others when engaged socially, such at dinner, is bad manners. This from NextTimeAround is right on the money: _your husband should not be texting other people while out with his wife and/or friends. Exceptions include emergencies, that is life or death situations or perhaps something time sensitive ie. My BIL is coming to town tomorrow, I just want to respond to this text real quick......._

You are early in your marriage and these problems are just starting to crop up, and you would like to discuss them and come to an agreement before any resentment builds up on your part. Approach it with your husband from that perspective. 

This will be much more beneficial to your husband that it will to you. If I met your husband and observed the things you posted here (ogling other women, giving breakup advice to a teenage girl, and texting while at dinner), I would think of your husband as a creepy, bad-mannered, immature jerk.


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## DiZ (May 15, 2012)

michelle2012 said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> I have been married for a year, to a guy that I know for about two years now. I feel he has been quite honest with me about his past relationships and sexual indulgences.
> 
> ...


Why do they even have each other's phone numbers? How old is she? If she is a teen, he needs to stop now before he ends up in jail.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

*There is this hot teenage girl who stays close by. She is like certified hot and beautiful and is every guy's fantasy. My husband is 30. I saw that she was the first one to send him a smiley at 12:30 am. After asking her "wassup" etc he messaged saying "you do know that I am always there for you". And then she replied saying "Why all of a sudden? Yes I know". Then he asked her out of nowhere "you ok?" She replied "Yes, all good "*

Respect yourself enough to tell your husband that this situation is totally unacceptable. 

What would you think if a friend of yours or your sister told you that her husband was giving breakup advice to "a hot teenage girl who stays close by and is very guy's fantasy" at any hour of the day or night, nevermind sending and receiving texts after midnight while out to dinner with friends? What advice would you give to them?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Will_Kane said:


> *There is this hot teenage girl who stays close by. She is like certified hot and beautiful and is every guy's fantasy. My husband is 30. I saw that she was the first one to send him a smiley at 12:30 am. After asking her "wassup" etc he messaged saying "you do know that I am always there for you". And then she replied saying "Why all of a sudden? Yes I know". Then he asked her out of nowhere "you ok?" She replied "Yes, all good "*
> 
> Respect yourself enough to tell your husband that this situation is totally unacceptable.
> 
> What would you think if a friend of yours or your sister told you that her husband was giving breakup advice to "a hot teenage girl who stays close by and is very guy's fantasy" at any hour of the day or night, nevermind sending and receiving texts after midnight while out to dinner with friends? What advice would you give to them?



Maybe when you get older and understand, being hot isn't everything. If your guy needs someone "hot" over what you have to offer, just simply say "well, I won't be keeping you."


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

By the way, when you say "teenage," *I am assuming 18 or 19*. If 17 or younger, then police and jail may come into the picture. Even at 18 or 19, her parents may not look favorably on your husband having any contact at all with her.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

It comes down to boundaries and what is acceptable for a married man or woman to be engaging in with a member of the opposite sex who isn't a brother/sister

Working someone through a romance of any kind is out of bounds. The member of the opposite sex should talk to friends or even possible suitors about detailed relationship crap - especially breakups. NOT A MARRIED PERSON OF THE OPPOSITE SEX

Texting secretly - A married person SHOULD NOT be texting a member of the opposite sex secretly ESPECIALLY about love-sex-relationship stuff.

Texting openly - A married person SHOULD NOT be openly texting a member of the opposite sex about love-sex-relationship stuff.

And then there are statements of being-there, uncondtional-love, unconditional-support etc. Frankly a married person's unconditional anything is for there spouse-children-parents-brothers-aunts-uncles-grandparents etc. It is most certainly crossing a major boundary to be saying this to a member of the opposite sex.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

She sent him a smiley at 12:30am because, not only does she like getting attention from him, a 30-year-old married man, but even moreso knowing that he will respond to her at a time when he most likely is in bed with his wife. It gives her a huge ego boost. *She may be interested in your husband. * Don't assume that because she gets attention from a lot of men that she is not interested in getting attention from your husband. Some people crave attention and no amount is enough. Obviously, she was looking for something by sending him a smiley out of the blue after midnight.

MattMatt said that your husband may be using the "knight in shining armor" approach to woo her - saving her from her bad boyfriend so he can become her knight in shining armor and take the guy's place. That is a possibility.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> She sent him a smiley at 12:30am because, not only does she like getting attention from him, a 30-year-old married man, but even moreso knowing that he will respond to her at a time when he most likely is in bed with his wife. It gives her a huge ego boost. *She may be interested in your husband. * Don't assume that because she gets attention from a lot of men that she is not interested in getting attention from your husband. Some people crave attention and no amount is enough. Obviously, she was looking for something by sending him a smiley out of the blue after midnight.
> 
> MattMatt said that your husband may be using the "knight in shining armor" approach to woo her - saving her from her bad boyfriend so he can become her knight in shining armor and take the guy's place. That is a possibility.


I think he might even genuinely think he is being a Knight in Shining Armour. But any Knight can fall off his horse, if he isn't careful...


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

My STBEH always had a roving eye and always said similar things to me as you mentioned your husband saying. 

I always dismissed his roving eye, but now regret it. 

The situation you describe is inappropriate and definitely suspicious. Don't overlook it. 

My own STBEH was emailing his lover as he lay in bed beside me. 

In retrospect I remember seeing a goony expression coming over his face when he received certain emails. When I asked him why he would say his friend sent a funny joke. 

I later learned he was receiving really super hot sexy bordering on pornographic emails from a really horned out housewife who has had numerous prior affairs, despite being married to a really nice, sweet, successful and faithful man. 

This woman was talking about their sexcapades and pushing for a long term relationship as well as suggesting he should leave me. 

Don't ignore these little nagging suspicions. I did and now I regret it.

Morituri is right. You deserve better.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Time for you to install some monitoring software on his phone and computer while he is asleep or sh!t faced drunk. Chances are good that there is more than what you have discovered.

You are in bad need of enforcing some personal, non-negotiable boundaries.

Non-negotiable boundary one, *sexual/emotional exclusivity*. Neither he nor you should have secret "friendships" with a member of the opposite sex. They are either friends of the marriage or they are gone.

Non-negotiable boundary two, *total transparency*. Neither he nor you should have secret email accounts, social network profiles, etc. to communicate with others. If he brings up the red herring of "privacy" tell him that he can have it when he goes to take a dump or pee, but everything else is "secrecy" with the intent on leading a double life.

There are more, of course, but these two are THE most essential and basic ones that all folks in a committed relationship should follow religiously IF they want to continue being in a relationship.


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## DiZ (May 15, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> By the way, when you say "teenage," *I am assuming 18 or 19*. If 17 or younger, then police and jail may come into the picture. Even at 18 or 19, her parents may not look favorably on your husband having any contact at all with her.


So true. If my teen was texting a married man and this neighbor was responding I would over his house in heatrbeat.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Will_Kane said:


> *She sent him a smiley at 12:30am because, not only does she like getting attention from him, a 30-year-old married man, but even moreso knowing that he will respond to her at a time when he most likely is in bed with his wife. * It gives her a huge ego boost. *She may be interested in your husband. * Don't assume that because she gets attention from a lot of men that she is not interested in getting attention from your husband. Some people crave attention and no amount is enough. Obviously, she was looking for something by sending him a smiley out of the blue after midnight.
> 
> MattMatt said that your husband may be using the "knight in shining armor" approach to woo her - saving her from her bad boyfriend so he can become her knight in shining armor and take the guy's place. That is a possibility.


I've thought about this as well. I work in marketing so the timeing of a broadcast e-mail is not a small matter to ponder.

But I thought about this as well when I looked at the messages between my bf and his EA. 

The last e-mail that she sent him was late Friday afternoon. Was she testing whether he would respond over the weekend when we were together. He responded Monday morning but apologised for taking so long to respond.

there were some other moments:
1) she asked whether he had texted her at 1am, the evening when she knew he and I had gone out together. I had gone home that evening. But it does make think she was looking for reassurance.
2) another private message string through Facebook over 3 days....at one point she said she had texted him before she went to bed.


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## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

Michelle, the title, of your thread "trust issues", may not be correct. If its anything like you describe, its not really a trust issue. He simply cannot be trusted.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

michelle2012 said:


> Why is he getting involved in the break up?? Who has asked for his help??! She wanted to break ties with that guy and he, who is hell bent on not breaking up, asked my husband her whereabouts. Since she is not replying to his calls etc. So that's where my husband came into the picture.


Why? Simple. He wants to bang her. And she enjoys the attention that she's getting from him. Her relationship with her man is none of his business. He wants to be able to slide into that spot. Quite frankly, this is disturbing behavior in such a young marriage since you've only been married a year and been with him for only 2. 

Its normal to be attracted to other people, but he's acting on it, and is basically pursuing her using the "supporting friend" route. If his boundaries are this low already, what will the future hold? 

You have to nip this behavior in the bud immediately. That means he goes NC immediately with this woman and you have a long discussion about proper boundaries. Many, many affairs start with discussing intimate details about one's relationship with a member of the opposite sex. If he's been helping her with hers, than you can bet he's discussion his relationship with her.


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

I agree your H has extremely poor boundaries and if he's not already involved in an A, he will be soon.

Many men (from what I've read) get an ego boost out of being the Knight to the damsel or dumbsel in distress. Often affairs are with grossly inappropriate OW/OM as well. 

By Frank Pittman

Accidental Infidelity

All affairs are not alike. The thousands of affairs I've seen seem to fall into four broad categories. Most first affairs are cases of accidental infidelity, unintended and uncharacteristic acts of carelessness that really did "just happen." Someone will get drunk, will get caught up in the moment—will just be having a bad day. It can happen to anyone, though some people are more accident prone than others, and some situations are accident zones.

Many times a young man has started his career as a philanderer quite accidentally when he is traveling out of town on a new job with a philandering boss who chooses one of a pair of women and expects the young fellow to entertain the other. The most startling dynamic behind accidental infidelity is misplaced politeness, the feeling that it would be rude to turn down a needy friend's sexual advances. In the debonair gallantry of the moment, the brazen discourtesy to the marriage partner is overlooked altogether.

Both men and women can slip up and have accidental affairs, though the most accident-prone are those who drink, those who travel, those who don't get asked much, those who don't feel very tightly married, those whose running buddies screw around, and those who are afraid to run from a challenge. Most are men.

After an accidental infidelity, there is clearly the sense that one's life and marriage have changed. The choices are:

To decide that infidelity was a stupid thing to do, to confess it or not to do so, but to resolve to take better precautions in the future;
To decide you wouldn't have done such a thing unless your husband or wife had let you down, put the blame on your mate, and go home and pick your marriage to death;
To notice that lightning did not strike you dead, decide this would be a safe and inexpensive hobby to take up, and do it some more;
To decide that you would not have done such a thing if you were married to the right person, determine that this was meant to be, and declare yourself in love with the stranger in the bed.


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## l4u (Jun 6, 2012)

Fvstringpicker said:


> Michelle, the title, of your thread "trust issues", may not be correct. If its anything like you describe, its not really a trust issue. He simply cannot be trusted.


"My Pervert Husband" would fit better.


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## michelle2012 (Jan 5, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> She sent him a smiley at 12:30am because, not only does she like getting attention from him, a 30-year-old married man, but even moreso knowing that he will respond to her at a time when he most likely is in bed with his wife. It gives her a huge ego boost. *She may be interested in your husband. * Don't assume that because she gets attention from a lot of men that she is not interested in getting attention from your husband. Some people crave attention and no amount is enough. Obviously, she was looking for something by sending him a smiley out of the blue after midnight.


****! I just don't know what to do. What Will said is exactly what's been playing on mind. I confronted him and ended up having a big fight. I asked him to place himself in my shoes and asked him to forget about the possibility of an affair and all. Just whether he would find it weird that I am encouraging a guy's extremely random message at 1 in the morning. He said that yes he would find that weird, but he would not stretch things. Just ask me what's going on, believe my answer and move on.

We have been having tense mornings since that day and I hate it. I just cannot be normal. He has done his bit. Told me that there is and will never be anyone else. And I believe him. It might be difficult to convince you guys, but I know him and I know that he is not lying or cheating. And no, this is not denial. 

Today he got really pissed off and said that he does not know why he messaged her. But now that its done, what can he do now? And he was getting really angry here. Like "****!!! its done now! what do you want me to do now??!!!! I am saying that there's nothing to it. There never will be. Wht can I do now??!!!" And while I do believe him, that vision is not leaving me. Now I dread bumping into her. I can imagine her smiling slyly that your husband writes such stuff to me when you are sitting right next to him. ****!!!  

I really want to put this behind me and back to being happy and crazy, the way we were. This is annoying!!


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## DiZ (May 15, 2012)

michelle2012 said:


> ****! I just don't know what to do. What Will said is exactly what's been playing on mind. I confronted him and ended up having a big fight. I asked him to place himself in my shoes and asked him to forget about the possibility of an affair and all. Just whether he would find it weird that I am encouraging a guy's extremely random message at 1 in the morning. He said that yes he would find that weird, but he would not stretch things. Just ask me what's going on, believe my answer and move on.
> 
> We have been having tense mornings since that day and I hate it. I just cannot be normal. He has done his bit. Told me that there is and will never be anyone else. And I believe him. It might be difficult to convince you guys, but I know him and I know that he is not lying or cheating. And no, this is not denial.
> 
> ...


Yep, after I saw a message from my husband to another woman he was having and EA with (which he still denies he was having,o we are just friends excuse) I was really crying and he said to me "I don't know what to say". HELLO!! How about saying I promise it won't happen again. He sure knew what to say to her!!


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