# advice?



## feetback245 (May 25, 2013)

I need some advice regarding my husband and I's financial relationship. We have known each other for more than 15 years, date for more than 5, and been married for more than 3. We had a toddler and one on the way.
We came into the relationship very independent minded- so having separate finances was not a big deal. 
My husband makes 3-4x more than me, even though I make a decent salary and have a good job. I currently work part time and care for our child when not working.
My husband and I have separate mortgages, car loans, and bank accounts. He doesn't want to have me on his main account because he says he wants his financial independence. His mom has been on his account since he was a teenager and she is still on it. I have never told my husband how to spend his money. I Have asked him about having a joint account- to feel more like a married couple.
My husband pays the majority of our joint bills and I pay my personal bills (including mortgage, car, gas, groceries, student loans, etc). Him and I have very little conversations about money goals or planning. he doesn't feel the need to. 

I feel way to separated from him- in money and in planning together and in working together. My husband will give me money if I ask and has given me a credit card but I don't feel comfortable asking for money and I don't spend his credit card very often. That's the annoying part of our relationship, I feel awkward that I need to ask and I feel like there is an inherent lack of trust.
His parents divorced and his mom got the majority of the money after the divorce and my husband has said that he didn't want to have joint bank accounts because he thinks I might clean out the bank account If I got angry and was planning on leaving. I have told him, I have never been like that and I will never be like that. BUt I think the lack of trust is unfair.
I have tried talking to my husband and explaining how I don't like the situation but I get the impression he doesn't see the importance or understand. he had told me he was will to put me on his account and then he later admitted that he was just "giving up" and he really doesn't want to do that. I said there needed to be some type of compromise then-so that we are financially working together. he has rejected going to therapy saying he can deal with the issue on his own. 
I don't know what to do.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Hmmm why is your husband so tight minded about a joint account? Why do you have to have it linked to his main bank account? Is there an underlying trust factor at play here? Money is money... if you have trust in every other area of your marriage have you considered why this is so important to you? Many married couples have totally separate bank accounts and finances, although one typically pays more and does more financial planning for the future. I think if your husband is adamant about not doing it, you need to simply ask him why, what is the real reason? Are you his first marriage and he doesn't want you to know how much money there is, or does he share the details with you? If he shares, then I would say you need to compromise on this, if he doesn't well then I might be concerned there is something else going on.


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## feetback245 (May 25, 2013)

Livelaughlovenow,

My concern is that something else is going on. My husband and I have had a lot of fighting since our 1st child was born. We have both only been married to each other.
We have talked about divorce at times- mostly in anger. My husband told me that if we divorce he doesn't want to be involved with the kids anymore. So when he doesn't want to share a bank account with me, but he is okay with having his mother on the account- it tells me he's got a back up plan in case things don't work out- or that he's not 100% committed to our relationship.
On top of that we've had new/recent issues with money- not that many but enough. Our last vacation, my husband agreed to go only if I paid. His reasoning was that we fought on previous vacations that he had paid for and so this time he wanted me to pay. I agreed to paying for the vacation. We had several change in plans on the vacation and things became more expensive than I anticipated so that I asked my husband to help me out with expenses and he got annoyed with me over this. His rational was that he was " teaching me a lesson". He did help pay for the vacation but the entire thing was a big mess.
And recently I wanted to buy a baby fence to go around our pool since we will soon have 2 children. He thought it was not a necessary purchase and so he refused to contribute. So I paid for the fence myself.
The sharing a joint account means more to me now than it did in the past because I was hoping to take time off of work after the birth of our second child, but now I have concerns that if he doesn't agree with my purchases then he will not help. And I feel we are not on fair ground financially. Although I make a good salary, he makes a lot more than me. And with me working less than full time to do the bulk of raising our kids, I feel it just leaves me at a disadvantage financially. I am not forced to work part time, but I always wanted to be there for my children when they were young.
Recently I wanted to do counseling. I was told by another counselor that family/marriage counseling is not covered by insurance. And my husband has said to me that he doesn't want to do counseling so that if we do it I will need to pay for it.
If the issue was just a personal preference I would understand having a joint account not linked to his main account, but like I said before I think him wanting to keep his main account all to himself demonstrates a much deeper trust issue.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You fight a lot and divorce has been threatened several times but you're wondering why he isn't eager to merge finances? He's insecure and so are you, probably in large part because the possibility of divorce keeps getting mentioned. I would concentrate on that. If this marriage fails, a judge will decide who gets what and neither of you will end up with as much as you have now. If your husband had threatened several times to murder you, would you be eager to buy him a gun if he asked for one? 
Around here, the law requires a fence around a pool. If it doesn't in your area, your home owner's insurance carrier probably does. If your husband is as financially savvy as you portray him, being sued or being refused insurance coverage probably aren't high on his wish list.


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## feetback245 (May 25, 2013)

Unbelievable,

Yes I am insecure and he is as well. We have both talked about divorce because of the fighting- it's not just me.
I appreciate you taking the time to comment, but I don't really get how you provide advice? I suggested marriage counseling and he is against it. although I am going to try to find someone who will see up both and we can still use our insurance.
I don't know if the law requires us to have a pool fence. I know that when you built a house it is a requirement but this house was built by someone else. And our home owners insurance has never made it an issue. My husband never made it a financial issue, and I didn't see it as one. I basically saw it as a safety issue.


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## SouthernMiss (Apr 25, 2013)

The way finances are handled in a marriage has to involve a "meeting of the minds."

If you're not ok with keeping finances separate...and he is ONLY ok with keeping them separate...you have a serious problem on your hands. I'm sure you already know that.

I would feel more sympathy for his side of things if they weren't so selfishly motivated...what kind of man says he wouldn't want anything to do with his kids anymore if y'all got a divorce?

How do you trust such a man? Respect him? Trust him?

Sounds to me that he is doesn't feel a part of a unit. He's still looking out for #1 like a single person.


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## feetback245 (May 25, 2013)

SouthernMiss,

The separate bank accounts wasn't an issue until recently. Now I feel like my husband having a problem with me on his account is an issue of trust and honesty. Previously I had more trust in my husband, his commitment to our family, and his willingness to share financially- so I didn't care if our accounts were separated.
I don't understand my husband's comment about not wanting to be part of the kids lives if I wasn't in the picture either. It's a very messed up perspective. His dad left the picture when his mom and dad divorced in his teen years. My husband says he's either 100% in the family (meaning we are all together) or he doesn't want to have to deal with kids after separation or me. I didn't hear him say that until a few months ago, so I didn't ever expect to hear that from him. 
I agree that right now he's thinking about his own perspective instead of what is best for the family.
I would have never married him if I had known his perspective on staying involved with kids after separation or divorce.


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## FourtyPlus (Dec 18, 2011)

Your husband says in the case of divorce he doesn't want to be involved with the kids anymore? It looks like you might have a much bigger problem than a joint account.


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## feetback245 (May 25, 2013)

Fourtyplus,

It does seem like a gigantic issue. Do you have any advice or suggestions or something?
We are going to a counselor this week. It seems like something that would be very difficult to change in my husband.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

What you have described sounds like your husband, and to some extent you by going along with him on these financial issues, is hedging his bet on this marriage or keeping some things at arm's length. Does this also extend to non financial aspects of your marriage? The less you are commingled the easier it can be to disengage and divorce.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You had 5 years of dating to figure out the type of man you were marrying.... Then you have have a kid and beomce preganant a second time and realize you have a problem? 

How can you have separate mortgages? Do you live together?
How can you pay a mortgage, a car, groceries etc on a part time pay?


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## Mr.D.E.B.T. (Jul 19, 2012)

I agree with most what everyone else has said in terms of there being a bigger problem, but would like to offer you some practical advice that may help. Instead of going all in with attempts to directly discuss finances, try to have conversations about each of your lifestyle goals and future plans. These types of discussions typically lead to some level of conversation about finances.


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