# So confused! Separated for over a year, husband admits he wants to be with other woman, but will NOT grant me a divorce!



## Mrs Sharp (Sep 14, 2020)

He has not been with any other woman that I know of, yet. We still have a great friendship, which is why I do not want to hire a lawyer. I am asking for a consensual divorce so that it will not get ugly and we can possibly maintain our friendship. (I know it will take me a long time before I could see him with someone else, and he admits he feels the same) We do not have any children together, I am not asking for anything but his signature!
Why will he not grant me a divorce?
or
Commit to me completely?

PS We grew up in the same neighborhood
We were close friends for 5 years before we started dating
We started dating in 2011, Got married in 2013
Had a blissfully happy marriage until his father passed away in July 2018


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

You are not friends. 

A friend would not put you through mental torture or keep you as a backup plan in case the grass is not greener. You need to start worrying about you, and not him, he has abandoned you, your marriage vows and is living his life on his terms without a thought for you. There is no way a husband will abandon you (for a YEAR!) if he wants to be with you and doesn't already have someone else. He's just trying not to look like an asshole and wants to keep you in his pocket in case things don't work out.

You are lucky not to have children, there is no reason whatsoever to play nice, wait, and be friendly. Tomorrow is Monday, get a lawyer and file for divorce.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

TXTrini said:


> You are not friends.
> 
> A friend would not put you through mental torture or keep you as a backup plan in case the grass is not greener. You need to start worrying about you, and not him, he has abandoned you, your marriage vows and is living his life on his terms without a thought for you. There is no way a husband will abandon you (for a YEAR!) if he wants to be with you and doesn't already have someone else. He's just trying not to look like an asshole and wants to keep you in his pocket in case things don't work out.
> 
> You are lucky not to have children, there is no reason whatsoever to play nice, wait, and be friendly. Tomorrow is Monday, get a lawyer and file for divorce.


^^This. All of this.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mrs Sharp said:


> He has not been with any other woman that I know of, yet. We still have a great friendship, which is why I do not want to hire a lawyer. I am asking for a consensual divorce so that it will not get ugly and we can possibly maintain our friendship. (I know it will take me a long time before I could see him with someone else, and he admits he feels the same) We do not have any children together, I am not asking for anything but his signature!
> Why will he not grant me a divorce?


He won't "grant" you a divorce most likely because being married is convenient for him. Do the two of you have children together/ What about assets, a home, etc? With a divorce he might have to pay child support, alimony, and split assets with you, maybe even sell the house if you own one. It's just easier to keep things the way they are and him mess around iwth other women. It's a great deal for him.

The fact is that divorces are not 'granted'. Instead you hire a mediator or an attorney to help you negotiate a divorce settlement with you. I would also advise you to learn about the divorce laws in you state. There is a lot of info on line about divorce. Also, Amazon.com sells books that have the divorce law for each state and the books explain a lot.

The way it works is you draw up a divorce petition, have him served, and then you two negotiate.


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## 20yr (Apr 19, 2019)

In some cases, a couple can amicably draw up a separation agreement and save on attorney fees but you are not required to wait for his consent. It sounds like you ahve been more than patient. It is time to hire an attorney and move this along.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Mrs Sharp said:


> We still have a great friendship, which is why I do not want to hire a lawyer.


As others have pointed out, he's NOT your friend. A friend wouldn't keep you in limbo and would cooperate with the divorce.

If you don't want to hire a lawyer then what, exactly, is your plan? Are you going to DIY the divorce and file In Pro Per? Ok, that works. You can file and a judge will finalize the divorce with or without your STBX's signature. Without filing the paperwork nothing changes.



Mrs Sharp said:


> Why will he not grant me a divorce?
> or
> Commit to me completely?


Because he doesn't want to be married to you, but he doesn't want you to move on from him, either. It's like a 5 year old who doesn't want to play with his Transformers toy, but also doesn't want anyone else playing with it.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

For the sake of..

He is doing this.... for the sake of whatever _mist_-sake he has in mind.
Not all humans are rational creatures.

The Japanese drink their sakes, uh, saki.

I am sure he has 'reasons', maybe something as simple as keeping you on his insurance policy. 

It might be that he does not you to hug and experience another man, as our clever @MJJEAN suggests.
I doubt that. 

If he dips his wick, he likely wants you to move on to someone else (nice man) as soon as possible to assuage his guilt.
Yes, he may be feeling guilt.

In our minds, he is a heel, wanting to heal this situation over without too much scarring. 
At that, he is a failure.

*He needs to give you clear reasons for his lack of signing.*

He might want to sample the perfumed meat market and decide if its worth his while to separate from his family.
That is delusional in that it keeps everyone in limbo, and that is anything but fair-fare.

At this point, Moi dunno.


_Gwendolyn-_


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

It may be that he is using this separation as a pressure relief valve. He is under a lot of pressure from different life areas and wants a place of his own to hide from the world.

It sounds like that _mid-life crisis_, where one of the orbital cycle generators is _separating_ him from his present place in life.

Or, he may already have a sweetie on the side.

Just a thought.

Our cranium tree house is replete with varied thoughts.


_King Brian-_


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I have a question?

Is he a sexually active husband?

Has his sexual responsiveness changed at all, especially in the last year, or so?

His father passing away might be a clue. 
He stayed married to please him....maybe?




_THRD-_


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Hi Mrs. Sharp, 
I realized how harsh what I said may have come across, and I just wanted to see how you were. It's a particularly hard topic for me (minus the year separation) b/c quite a lot of what you said rang true for me and my state of mind when I had to accept reality and act.

I know that doesn't make your choice any easier, just know that all of us have been down a similar road and simply want to spare you the anguish of wasting any more of your life on a man who doesn't seem to care about anyone but himself. Losing a parent is hard, but that is no excuse to alienate the person you vowed to love and cherish. I hope you come back, for strength, support, and clarity.


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## Dadto2 (Aug 11, 2020)

You don't need the consent of your spouse to get a divorce. Talk to a lawyer.

And stop with the friend talk. The belief that ex's can still be friends is BS and straight out of Hollywood. Best to make a clean and complete break and get on with your life.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

You definitely don't need permission from your spouse to file for divorce.


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## Mrs Sharp (Sep 14, 2020)

Dadto2 said:


> You don't need the consent of your spouse to get a divorce. Talk to a lawyer.
> 
> And stop with the friend talk. The belief that ex's can still be friends is BS and straight out of Hollywood. Best to make a clean and complete break and get on with your life.


Thank You, but Lawyers tend to like to get paid. Unfortunately, I had been a stay at home mom and housewife. I left with nothing and currently struggle to pay bills and eat each month.


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## Dadto2 (Aug 11, 2020)

Mrs Sharp said:


> Thank You, but Lawyers tend to like to get paid. Unfortunately, I had been a stay at home mom and housewife. I left with nothing and currently struggle to pay bills and eat each month.


I understand lawyers like to be paid. But your city/county will offer free lawyer services for situations such as yours

You’ll find people on the site willing to help, but it’s best not to be condescending when they do.


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## lucifer.stars (Jun 3, 2020)

So do it through the court. Take a good lawyer who will show you step by step how to do it correctly. And I have a question about why he doesn't want to divorce if he loves another woman. It seems to me that he doesn't want to divide your common property. Look for good fayetteville divorce attorneys and he will tell you all important details about the divorce. You have to insured that he won't leave with 10$. Or, maybe you'll speak with him and he'll turn back. It would be wonderful for both you.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Mrs Sharp said:


> Thank You, but Lawyers tend to like to get paid. Unfortunately, I had been a stay at home mom and housewife. I left with nothing and currently struggle to pay bills and eat each month.


Could you get a job? 
He doesnt care about you, he wouldnt treat you so badly if he did. If he wants to be with other women then what choice do you have?


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Mrs Sharp said:


> Thank You, but Lawyers tend to like to get paid. Unfortunately, I had been a stay at home mom and housewife. I left with nothing and currently struggle to pay bills and eat each month.


I am sorry for your situation sweetheart. Have you tried printing out the paperwork yourself (or getting it from the courthouse) and filling it out? When I got divorced we did it this way. 

It was not very difficult, there was just A LOT of it. Without kids and properties and businesses it should be fairly easy to do on your own if a lawyer isn’t an option for you.


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## DallasCowboyFan (Nov 20, 2012)

This situation has a smell to it. Perhaps someone from the past secretly came back into his life after hearing that his father passed? Have you checked his phones, social media, the computer? Of course, he could always have a secret phone. Someone helped get him through the emotions of losing a parent. Was it you? If he didn't lean on you, I would bet he leaned on someone else. Perhaps that person is also married and he may not want a divorce until/unless she is fully available. Just my two cents.


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

You shouldn't actually need his signature to file with your courthouse. Filing the forms doesn't require a lawyer and in my state they don't require your spouse's consent. If he decides not to show up to the divorce hearing, I think whatever you put into the agreement is what takes effect but that might be state specific. I know that of the half dozen divorces being finalized the same day, mine was the only one where both ex spouses were present.

You may not need your spouse's consent.

Edit: I'm fairly certain that the term used was "pro se divorce". I would google "pro se divorce <state>" and see what information comes up.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Mrs Sharp said:


> Thank You, but Lawyers tend to like to get paid. Unfortunately, I had been a stay at home mom and housewife. I left with nothing and currently struggle to pay bills and eat each month.


Is he paying you alimony or some type of support? If not, he's probably avoiding divorce so that he doesn't have to start paying those. File yourself. Don't wait for him anymore. Or if he refuses to file, move back in which will cramp his style and he'll want to move things along.


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