# The NEW Singles of TAM, 2021 Edition!!!



## LisaDiane

Farewell, old thread!!!!!!

Should this be the anthem for this thread...??


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## ConanHub

LisaDiane said:


> Farewell, old thread!!!!!!
> 
> Should this be the anthem for this thread...??


Here's rooting for you all!👍


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## Laurentium

Woo hoo!


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## LisaDiane

Laurentium said:


> Woo hoo!


It would be wonderful if YOU would post on this thread more...are you searching for anyone as a "single"...? Or you could just be the Patriarch of this thread...


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## TXTrini

So when are you gonna be single Lisa? 😁


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## Livvie

I'm single and will start online dating as soon as I am vaccinated!


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## LisaDiane

TXTrini said:


> So when are you gonna be single Lisa? 😁


I'm NOT sure...I'm positioning myself for a quickie divorce, once our finances are sorted out!


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## TXTrini

LisaDiane said:


> I'm NOT sure...I'm positioning myself for a quickie divorce, once our finances are sorted out!


Are you getting IC? I found that really helpful to transition. It took some getting used to thinking of "I" and not "we".


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## LisaDiane

TXTrini said:


> Are you getting IC? I found that really helpful to transition. It took some getting used to thinking of "I" and not "we".


Not lately...I've been in counseling over the years (being an anorexic teenager), and while it's great for uncovering issues, I've never found much help with resolving them. I've always done better on my own by just being honest with myself and being brave and facing what I need to do. 

I journal alot when I need to, being a very emotionally intense person, and that's been a HUGE help!!!


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## LisaDiane

@TXTrini, have you heard from @RebuildingMe lately??

I hope he's doing ok...!!!


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## TXTrini

LisaDiane said:


> Not lately...I've been in counseling over the years (being an anorexic teenager), and while it's great for uncovering issues, I've never found much help with resolving them. I've always done better on my own by just being honest with myself and being brave and facing what I need to do.
> 
> I journal alot when I need to, being a very emotionally intense person, and that's been a HUGE help!!!


The culture I come from still looks down on therapy, they're only now promoting mental health concerns. So, I grew up thinking it was a matter of mind over matter and sucked things up when they got hard. I learned to be self-contained to avoid being hurt, from a very young age. Like you, I'm a very emotionally intense person, but I've never been comfortable with that. I'm private to a point where I feel too exposed to journal  

My therapist called me on things I didn't catch about myself, like my tendency to laugh off traumatic things. As someone who scoffed at the idea of therapy, and a fellow DIYer, I can't recommend it enough, just to give you an impartial perspective on who you think you are.


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## TXTrini

LisaDiane said:


> @TXTrini, have you heard from @RebuildingMe lately??
> 
> I hope he's doing ok...!!!


He mentioned taking a break from TAM. His divorce hell's been getting hotter, hopefully, it'll be done soon.


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## LisaDiane

TXTrini said:


> He mentioned taking a break from TAM. His divorce hell's been getting hotter, hopefully, it'll be done soon.


He's got one of the WORST situations...


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## Hiner112

I'm biased towards somewhat older songs:

Somebody to love.


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## Hiner112

So today was worthy of some whining.

When my alarm went off this morning, I noticed that my foot sore. (I keep my alarm in the master bathroom so I can't just turn it off from bed) I figured that since I've run an average of 5 miles a day that I had rubbed a sore spot on the back of the heel or maybe some dryness had come back. Not only was it dry and cracked but it was bleeding. Awesome. Cleaning that up, getting ready for work, etc put me a bit behind when I usually leave but not too bad.

On the way to work there was a sign on the interstate saying that there was road work for 2 miles. I thought "well, they don't have a detour up and its only 2 miles, its probably not that bad so I'll just stay on the interstate". I was stuck there for an hour.

So I get to work about an hour and a half later than I should have and I am already done with the day. I walk in thinking about leaving early to avoid the traffic and whatever other problems are lurking for me. The first thing that pops up in Messenger as soon as I log in is something from one of my bosses saying the activity that hadn't been approved mid-week now was and I was going to have to stay later than normal to do it. It was only half an hour or 45 minutes later than normal but probably a couple hours more than I had planned on when I was walking in.

_sigh_ At least work was only 'meh'. There were fires to put out so I didn't get to work on any of the long running tasks I have in the office but that's more or less par for the course.

I had a bunch of chores planned for the kid free weekend but I'm worried the luck will carry over and I should just read a book or something.


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## TXTrini

Hiner112 said:


> So today was worthy of some whining.
> 
> When my alarm went off this morning, I noticed that my foot sore. (I keep my alarm in the master bathroom so I can't just turn it off from bed) I figured that since I've run an average of 5 miles a day that I had rubbed a sore spot on the back of the heel or maybe some dryness had come back. Not only was it dry and cracked but it was bleeding. Awesome. Cleaning that up, getting ready for work, etc put me a bit behind when I usually leave but not too bad.
> 
> On the way to work there was a sign on the interstate saying that there was road work for 2 miles. I thought "well, they don't have a detour up and its only 2 miles, its probably not that bad so I'll just stay on the interstate". I was stuck there for an hour.
> 
> So I get to work about an hour and a half later than I should have and I am already done with the day. I walk in thinking about leaving early to avoid the traffic and whatever other problems are lurking for me. The first thing that pops up in Messenger as soon as I log in is something from one of my bosses saying the activity that hadn't been approved mid-week now was and I was going to have to stay later than normal to do it. It was only half an hour or 45 minutes later than normal but probably a couple hours more than I had planned on when I was walking in.
> 
> _sigh_ At least work was only 'meh'. There were fires to put out so I didn't get to work on any of the long running tasks I have in the office but that's more or less par for the course.
> 
> I had a bunch of chores planned for the kid free weekend but I'm worried the luck will carry over and I should just read a book or something.


Ouch! Get some lanolin if you're not allergic and slather it on, then put on some socks. That happened to me and lanolin works SO well if you can stand the smell. Add some essential oil or something to cut it.


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## Elizabeth001

I’m lookin for a new love baby
A new love baby...yeah yeah yeah 







HELL YES!


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## Elizabeth001

Hiner112 said:


> So today was worthy of some whining.
> 
> When my alarm went off this morning, I noticed that my foot sore. (I keep my alarm in the master bathroom so I can't just turn it off from bed) I figured that since I've run an average of 5 miles a day that I had rubbed a sore spot on the back of the heel or maybe some dryness had come back. Not only was it dry and cracked but it was bleeding. Awesome. Cleaning that up, getting ready for work, etc put me a bit behind when I usually leave but not too bad.
> 
> On the way to work there was a sign on the interstate saying that there was road work for 2 miles. I thought "well, they don't have a detour up and its only 2 miles, its probably not that bad so I'll just stay on the interstate". I was stuck there for an hour.
> 
> So I get to work about an hour and a half later than I should have and I am already done with the day. I walk in thinking about leaving early to avoid the traffic and whatever other problems are lurking for me. The first thing that pops up in Messenger as soon as I log in is something from one of my bosses saying the activity that hadn't been approved mid-week now was and I was going to have to stay later than normal to do it. It was only half an hour or 45 minutes later than normal but probably a couple hours more than I had planned on when I was walking in.
> 
> _sigh_ At least work was only 'meh'. There were fires to put out so I didn't get to work on any of the long running tasks I have in the office but that's more or less par for the course.
> 
> I had a bunch of chores planned for the kid free weekend but I'm worried the luck will carry over and I should just read a book or something.


Whining is so unattractive to a new partner...jus’ sayin’ 




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## Hiner112

Elizabeth001 said:


> Whining is so unattractive to a new partner...jus’ sayin’
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


I guess its a good thing we're already in a long term relationship.


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## LisaDiane

Elizabeth001 said:


> I’m lookin for a new love baby
> A new love baby...yeah yeah yeah
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> HELL YES!
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


Wait...what happened to Mr. Sexy-Accent...??


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## 3Xnocharm

Hey all! >>waving<<
Still here, still single! 

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## jlg07

LisaDiane said:


> Not lately...I've been in counseling over the years (being an anorexic teenager), and while it's great for uncovering issues, I've never found much help with resolving them. I've always done better on my own by just being honest with myself and being brave and facing what I need to do.
> 
> I journal alot when I need to, being a very emotionally intense person, and that's been a HUGE help!!!


Lisa, I have to say from an outsiders point of view -- I think you will be fine. Your sense of humor shines through most of your posts -- if you keep that, you are golden.!


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## Numb26

Still single here but I am starting to put myself out there


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## LisaDiane

jlg07 said:


> Lisa, I have to say from an outsiders point of view -- I think you will be fine. Your sense of humor shines through most of your posts -- if you keep that, you are golden.!


Thanks! I'm not going to focus much on "being single" and I'm not going to be any different...I'm just going to BE ME and whatever happens, happens!!


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## Hiner112

TXTrini said:


> Ouch! Get some lanolin if you're not allergic and slather it on, then put on some socks. That happened to me and lanolin works SO well if you can stand the smell. Add some essential oil or something to cut it.


I have to be a little careful since I've developed sensitive skin in my middle age. I have some prescription lotion and one recommended by my dermatologist (Vanicream) that I use. The lotion+socks has worked very well.


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## Laurentium

LisaDiane said:


> It would be wonderful if YOU would post on this thread more...are you searching for anyone as a "single"...? Or you could just be the Patriarch of this thread...


Lol! I am single, but not actively "looking". And of course, not really meeting any new people during lockdown.


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## Elizabeth001

LisaDiane said:


> Wait...what happened to Mr. Sexy-Accent...??


Too many red flags. Tossed him back in the pond 


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## Lila

Still single and sort of looking in a very passive way😁.

Theme song to my dating life..."if it's meant to be it'll be, baby just let it be"


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## Lila

Elizabeth001 said:


> Too many red flags. Tossed him back in the pond
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


Trust your gut. It's more right than wrong


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## Lila

I am not sure what kind of energy I am putting out but without fail, the men I attract drives a big ass truck. Lol. My ex husband (white collar upper manager) drove a truck. Every guy I have dated since my divorce with the exception of one, drove trucks. And it's not I live in a rural area. What are the chances?


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## Enigma32

Lila said:


> I am not sure what kind of energy I am putting out but without fail, the men I attract drives a big ass truck. Lol. My ex husband (white collar upper manager) drove a truck. Every guy I have dated since my divorce with the exception of one, drove trucks. And it's not I live in a rural area. What are the chances?


There are some psychological correlations you will find that likely can answer this for you. For example, you can guess someone's political views based on what kind of vehicle they drive. Last I checked, I think anyone driving a Suburu voted Democrat 85% of the time. If the guy drives a Ford F-150, you can be pretty sure he didn't vote Blue. So, if you pick men based on certain personality characteristics, you will find they often prefer the same types of vehicles.


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## Affaircare

Lila said:


> I am not sure what kind of energy I am putting out but without fail, the men I attract drives a big ass truck. Lol. My ex husband (white collar upper manager) drove a truck. Every guy I have dated since my divorce with the exception of one, drove trucks. And it's not I live in a rural area. What are the chances?


Hey @Lila... I drive a truck. A big ol GMC pickup (she’s a beauty). Wanna go out? 😝ROFL 🥸


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## Lila

Affaircare said:


> Hey @Lila... I drive a truck. A big ol GMC pickup (she’s a beauty). Wanna go out? 😝ROFL 🥸


Lets do it!! 😂😂. The last guy I dated owned a huge GMC truck (double cab and extended bed). We never parked anywhere near the front entrance. Always had to go straight to the furthest parking space with no one parked near us. We would tell me it was to ensure we got our steps in for the day. 🙄😜


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## Affaircare

Yep mine is a double cab but I got the shorter bed cuz I’m a shorter gal! Plus The Big Guy (aka Beloved @Emerging Buddhist) approved 👍


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## Lila

Enigma32 said:


> There are some psychological correlations you will find that likely can answer this for you. For example, you can guess someone's political views based on what kind of vehicle they drive. Last I checked, I think anyone driving a Suburu voted Democrat 85% of the time. If the guy drives a Ford F-150, you can be pretty sure he didn't vote Blue. So, if you pick men based on certain personality characteristics, you will find they often prefer the same types of vehicles.


That's interesting. I believe in traditional relationships so that could be it. But I would be more apt to believe it has to do with body size/height or type of work they do more than political views. However the one person I dated that did not own a truck was very left leaning person.. He drove a brand new Mercedes. Most others were middle of the road or slightly conservative on the scale.


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## Numb26

Had a very, very bad day today. Have no idea what set it off today but I'm making it thru the best I can.

BTW @Lila I drive at Ford Heavy Duty F350 dualie. LOL


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## Laurentium

What does this say about me? I don't own a vehicle. If I (occasionally) need one, I rent one. This happens a couple of times a year.


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## LisaDiane

Numb26 said:


> Had a very, very bad day today. Have no idea what set it off today but I'm making it thru the best I can.
> 
> BTW @Lila I drive at Ford Heavy Duty F350 dualie. LOL


This is awful to hear, I'm really sorry...is there anything you can do today to make sure you feel better?


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## Numb26

LisaDiane said:


> This is awful to hear, I'm really sorry...is there anything you can do today to make sure you feel better?


I spent it with the kids, that always helps


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## TXTrini

Hiner112 said:


> I have to be a little careful since I've developed sensitive skin in my middle age. I have some prescription lotion and one
> recommended by my dermatologist (Vanicream) that I use. The lotion+socks has worked very well.


I'm super sensitive too, I'm allergic to so many things, it's annoying. I can't even use the stuff my dermatologist recommends, it's always trial and error. She gives me samples and it's always the same. It's to the point where I either analyze ingredients or make my own.



Laurentium said:


> What does this say about me? I don't own a vehicle. If I (occasionally) need one, I rent one. This happens a couple of times a year.


I don't either, but I do need to buy one soon. Many people won't date someone without a vehicle, go figure.


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## AVR1962

Still here as well, don't get on here much, life is keeping me plenty busy! January I went to Costa Rica with the guy I refer to as "tiger" and had a great time. The guy told me he couldn't dance, lol, I found out differently at the resort we went to. Oh my word, he can dance! He had everyone there watching him, coming up to him and introducing themselves. He knows how to dance hip hop and here I was dancing 70's style. I just encouraged him and let him have his fun, there was no way I could keep up with his moves. 

I was one of the many who lost power during the TX storm, what an ordeal!!!!!! Stay with my male friend during the whole thing so I did stay warm, he did not lose electricity. Trapped inside we ended up playing Monopoly....mopped him all over the board. I guess we are all good at something, lol!

One of my adult students who is in the early stages of Alzheimer's asked me if my friend and I would like to go to her house and have wine with her and her husband. I cannot spill my life to my clients. She knows I am seeing this guy but she doesn't have all the info. He and I do not have that type of a relationship. We are friends but we are not a couple. She then asked my kids had met him and of course they have not. Her question did make me think. I have become emotionally attached but for him I think he just sees the time we spend together as just that, nothing more, and I am not sure that he feels any sort of attachment. I have stepped back. I have family in town this week and I think a break to think things thru will be good for me.


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## Hopeful Cynic

TXTrini said:


> I don't either, but I do need to buy one soon. Many people won't date someone without a vehicle, go figure.


I think it's used as a proxy for many other things. If you own a car, you are likely more independent, more financially responsible, more able to get to date locations with me, more likely to share driving duties, etc. If it's a lifestyle choice, like living within walking distance of everything important, I respect that. If it's due to not being able to have a driver's license, I'd really wonder why!


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## Numb26

When it rains it pours. After a bad day yesterday emotionally and mentally, met someone today that for some reason I am interested in. I'm not sure if it is real interest or a reaction to the day I had yesterday so I excused myself from the situation. Just confused.


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## jlg07

Well Numb, I hope you at least got her contact info -- once you get past these bad days, you could always look her up then, no?


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## Numb26

jlg07 said:


> Well Numb, I hope you at least got her contact info -- once you get past these bad days, you could always look her up then, no?


Didn't get her number but I know where to find her


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## TXTrini

Hopeful Cynic said:


> I think it's used as a proxy for many other things. If you own a car, you are likely more independent, more financially responsible, more able to get to date locations with me, more likely to share driving duties, etc. If it's a lifestyle choice, like living within walking distance of everything important, I respect that. If it's due to not being able to have a driver's license, I'd really wonder why!


I let my license expire due to a terrifying near accident I had from driving on the wrong side of the road a long time ago. I started, but haven't finished the process, just need to find some time. It's on my to-do list, and I've been getting by just fine but OMG other **** keeps cropping up. When it rains, it pours.


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## heartsbeating

Laurentium said:


> What does this say about me? I don't own a vehicle. If I (occasionally) need one, I rent one. This happens a couple of times a year.


I think it says you live somewhere walk-able and likely with good public transport nearby?

(unless you take cabs / uber)


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## heartsbeating

@LisaDiane ...Impatience nearly got the better of me.

Well done on taking charge in starting this new thread!

Like I stated before, I really have no business being here. I just like popping in to see what's happening sometimes.


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## Laurentium

heartsbeating said:


> I think it says you live somewhere walk-able and likely with good public transport nearby?


Exactly right. But also, owning a truck or a big Merc isn't part of my identity.


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## In Absentia

Laurentium said:


> Exactly right. But also, owning a truck or a big Merc isn't part of my identity.


I live in the countryside. Without a car, I would be lost. Not that I use it a lot, because I work from home, but I need it if I want to get anywhere, especially after the bus services have been cut dramatically.

BTW, looking forward to start my single life after this Covid nightmare is over...


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## Livvie

In Absentia said:


> I live in the countryside. Without a car, I would be lost. Not that I use it a lot, because I work from home, but I need it if I want to get anywhere, especially after the bus services have been cut dramatically.
> 
> BTW, looking forward to start my single life after this Covid nightmare is over...


Have you gotten divorced?


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## In Absentia

Livvie said:


> Have you gotten divorced?


Not yet... because I don't need to get divorced. I'll just do my own thing (after I tell her). I'm not sure why I'm telling you, since you won't believe (and rightly so)...


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## TXTrini

In Absentia said:


> Not yet... because I don't need to get divorced. I'll just do my own thing (after I tell her). I'm not sure why I'm telling you, since you won't believe (and rightly so)...


If you're not getting divorced, you're not single and I for one am not going to cheer you on "doing your own thing" while still married. I don't particularly care what your circumstances are.


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## In Absentia

TXTrini said:


> If you're not getting divorced, you're not single and I for one am not going to cheer you on "doing your own thing" while still married. I don't particularly care what your circumstances are.


if we both agree, I don't see the problem. We are not religious.


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## Openminded

In Absentia said:


> if we both agree, I don't see the problem. We are not religious.


I doubt she’s going to agree. We all remember what happened when you moved next door.


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## In Absentia

Openminded said:


> I doubt she’s going to agree. We all remember what happened when you moved next door.


That was 18 months ago. She's much better now. If she doesn't agree, we'll have to separate. But she agreed before, so... I don't see a problem there.


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## Blondilocks

In Absentia said:


> if we both agree, I don't see the problem. We are not religious.


Ha-ha. I can see it now - you're the guy who will be singing "I've got 99 problems but a ..... ain't one".


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## In Absentia

Blondilocks said:


> Ha-ha. I can see it now - you're the guy who will be singing "I've got 99 problems but a ..... ain't one".


As I said, I don't expect anybody to believe me and rightly so...


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## Blondilocks

In Absentia said:


> As I said, I don't expect anybody to believe me and rightly so...


I'm just curious as to why you won't be divorcing. I think it would be a lot easier for you to find female companionship without the marriage hanging over your head. There really aren't that many women willing to go along with what you have planned.

In other parts of the world, how is your skin condition?


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## Affaircare

The day you actually move to someplace utterly on your own and at least two miles away...AND file actual divorce papers with the court, is the day I'll think you mean what you say. Until then, in my eyes you are a married man who's unhappy but won't actually do anything about it.

I am 100% not single myself, but I just got remarried here in 2019, and when I was single, I was 100% completely not married.

Signed, 

~Skeptical


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## In Absentia

Blondilocks said:


> I'm just curious as to why you won't be divorcing. I think it would be a lot easier for you to find female companionship without the marriage hanging over your head. There really aren't that many women willing to go along with what you have planned.
> 
> In other parts of the world, how is your skin condition?


Because it's a lot cheaper. She'll take me to the cleaners. I also want her to have some stability, enough room for the kids to visit, etc. After 35 years together, I care. If my single life doesn't work out, so be it. My skin is a lot better, actually, but not entirely out of the woods. It's a mess and I'm trying to cope right now. I feel lonely.


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## Openminded

In Absentia said:


> Because it's a lot cheaper. She'll take me to the cleaners. I also want her to have some stability, enough room for the kids to visit, etc. After 35 years together, I care. If my single life doesn't work out, so be it. My skin is a lot better, actually, but not entirely out of the woods. It's a mess and I'm trying to cope right now. I feel lonely.


If you’re planning on remaining married and just not living together — some sort of informal separation, I’m guessing — then you may not have too much of a single life. Unless you’re going to be hooking up with women who don’t care that you‘re married.


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## LisaDiane

In Absentia said:


> As I said, I don't expect anybody to believe me and rightly so...


I believe you will do what you really want to do, when YOU are ready to do it.

I've been rooting for you to have an "exit affair" for a year now...
That's what my beloved step-dad needed to get him unstuck from my soul-sucking mother and find the courage and motivation to think of himself and finally leave her. And he's been happier than ever with the new woman for the past 4 years.

Was it "the best" way...?? NO. But for him it was THE ONLY WAY he could see he needed to leave.


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## Not

In the old thread I mentioned my sister and her family possibly moving out here and staying with me while they get up on their feet. They got an offer on their house a week and a half ago and the appraisal _finally_ came back today.....SOLD! They’ll be here in three weeks! I am so over the moon and can’t wait for them to get here!

I moved away from home when I was 19 and haven’t seen my family often over the years, maybe once every 5 or 6 years so to have family here with me is just one of the best things that could be happening! 

This bothered me a lot when I divorced, outside of my two girls I have no family anywhere close by. They were all 2000 miles away and my son moved to the east coast. I felt vulnerable and worried about making it on my own but I’ve done just fine and have built a nice new life and now I can help my family. My people, my tribe, I can’t wait!


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## Elizabeth001

Well I take one day off from TAM & see what happens. Dang!

I walked out of my job today. Backed up the old schnauzer-mobile, opened the hatch, loaded all of my shat and left. How liberating. I sort of want to strip off all my clothes and run around in the yard naked. 


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## 3Xnocharm

@Not that’s wonderful! I hope you guys enjoy your time! 


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## TXTrini

Not said:


> In the old thread I mentioned my sister and her family possibly moving out here and staying with me while they get up on their feet. They got an offer on their house a week and a half ago and the appraisal _finally_ came back today.....SOLD! They’ll be here in three weeks! I am so over the moon and can’t wait for them to get here!
> 
> I moved away from home when I was 19 and haven’t seen my family often over the years, maybe once every 5 or 6 years so to have family here with me is just one of the best things that could be happening!
> 
> This bothered me a lot when I divorced, outside of my two girls I have no family anywhere close by. They were all 2000 miles away and my son moved to the east coast. I felt vulnerable and worried about making it on my own but I’ve done just fine and have built a nice new life and now I can help my family. My people, my tribe, I can’t wait!


That's wonderful! I hope you enjoy your time together, family is everything!


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## TXTrini

Elizabeth001 said:


> Well I take one day off from TAM & see what happens. Dang!
> 
> I walked out of my job today. Backed up the old schnauzer-mobile, opened the hatch, loaded all of my shat and left. How liberating. I sort of want to strip off all my clothes and run around in the yard naked.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


Oh wow! What got your goat?


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## In Absentia

LisaDiane said:


> I believe you will do what you really want to do, when YOU are ready to do it.
> 
> I've been rooting for you to have an "exit affair" for a year now...
> That's what my beloved step-dad needed to get him unstuck from my soul-sucking mother and find the courage and motivation to think of himself and finally leave her. And he's been happier than ever with the new woman for the past 4 years.
> 
> Was it "the best" way...?? NO. But for him it was THE ONLY WAY he could see he needed to leave.


I won't have an affair. I know it would take me out this dreadful situation, but I won't do that to my wife. If I meet someone, she will be the first to know.


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## In Absentia

Openminded said:


> If you’re planning on remaining married and just not living together — some sort of informal separation, I’m guessing — then you may not have too much of a single life. Unless you’re going to be hooking up with women who don’t care that you‘re married.


I won't be looking actively for a partner. I won't do online dating. We will be formally separated. If that's not enough to a potential partner, so be it.

We've been de facto separated for the last 3 years. My wife sleeps in another room (in the house next door), we haven't had sex for over 3 years, we don't kiss or cuddle, anything like that. We are brother and sister. I think she is recovering from her mental breakdown, so when this Covid thing is over, I will be able to live an independent life. I don't think she will object to that. She doesn't want to be with me in a proper marriage. She agreed to a separation 2 years ago, then she had the breakdown, when i started talking about the financial situation. Then I found her diary, full of despair. Since Covid was happening, I decided to stay and support her for a while. I contributed to the collapse of the marriage too and, after 35 years together, I thought it was the right thing to do. I'm not stupid. I know there is no way back and I have accepted it. This doesn't mean it's easy. As I said before, I feel very lonely and rejected.


----------



## LisaDiane

In Absentia said:


> I won't have an affair. I know it would take me out this dreadful situation, but I won't do that to my wife. If I meet someone, she will be the first to know.


I should correct myself -- I didn't really mean an ACTUAL affair, and my step-dad didn't technically cheat either. He just met someone (they were friends until he left my mom) who woke him up to what was possible, and gave him the motivation to imagine something DIFFERENT than the draining unhappiness of being with my very self-centered, cold, critical, drunk mother.

Whatever it takes, I would be happy to see YOU happy.


----------



## In Absentia

LisaDiane said:


> I should correct myself -- I didn't really mean an ACTUAL affair, and my step-dad didn't technically cheat either. He just met someone (they were friends until he left my mom) who woke him up to what was possible, and gave him the motivation to imagine something DIFFERENT than the draining unhappiness of being with my very self-centered, cold, critical, drunk mother.
> 
> Whatever it takes, I would be happy to see YOU happy.


Ok, I get it. Yes, it would be wonderful, but at the moment not possible, due to Covid. And I haven't been able to go back to my own country for over a year now, to see my family and my elderly mother. Together with my health problems (luckily resolving now) and the collapse of my marriage, it has been really difficult. I don't have anybody to talk to or family members I can go and see. I get why some people are nasty to me on TAM, but they have no idea how difficult it's been. I really appreciate your support.


----------



## hubbyintrubby

I'm starting the divorce journey for the second time in my life and I can already tell I'm going to have a big problem with feeling lonely. I've virtually never been a single adult man before. I'm don't really feel like I have a fear of being alone...maybe more like I fear the unknown of what it's like not to have somebody. I guess I'm just saying I don't really know how to be alone and I'm afraid I'm going to try to jump into another relationship before I'm ready just to have somebody like I feel like I've done before.


----------



## In Absentia

hubbyintrubby said:


> I'm starting the divorce journey for the second time in my life and I can already tell I'm going to have a big problem with feeling lonely. I've virtually never been a single adult man before. I'm don't really feel like I have a fear of being alone...maybe more like I fear the unknown of what it's like not to have somebody. I guess I'm just saying I don't really know how to be alone and I'm afraid I'm going to try to jump into another relationship before I'm ready just to have somebody like I feel like I've done before.


I've never been alone either. Never had a room just for myself. Never been on my own. It's scary indeed.


----------



## Elizabeth001

TXTrini said:


> Oh wow! What got your goat?


I’ve been looking for something else for a while. It’s not that easy to make a move at my age. The owner of the business is a greedy narcissist that doesn’t care about the employees in the least. She was going to replace me with a girl two weeks before Christmas but the manager ended up quitting first. I basically took over his position with no pay raise and had to train the girl that was going to replace me  No benefits...I haven’t seen a doctor in almost 3 years. 

I landed a position at the local college here. The pay isn’t that great but there’s awesome state benefits. The job security alone is worth the move not to mention getting away from the narc.

I turned in my notice last Friday but yesterday she let me know that I would be forfeiting my accrued vacation so I let her know that she would be forfeiting my notice 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## notmyjamie

Being alone for the first time can be very scary. But remember, you guys are adults, you've worked, paid for your homes, been responsible for your families for years. If you can do that you can learn to be alone. It's not the end of the world, I promise, but it is definitely an adjustment that doesn't always come easy. That's where a place like this comes into play...people to bounce your thoughts and emotions off of for support. _hugs_

As for me, I'm doing well for the most part. Still with BF and still feeling very lucky to have him in my life. We're coming up on two years. I know he wishes we could live together officially but I'm stuck with my house with the ex until Jan 2023. Thankfully, he has a great attitude about it "we deal with what we have to deal with but we can do it as long as we're together" Can't wait for him to get vaccinated and the world to open up so we can start doing things again!!!! We're planning a trip with all our kids to Myrtle Beach next summer. Kids are excited!! I think it will be a good chance for them all to really bond and get to know each other and have fun. I think they are all waiting for us to announce a wedding at some point. They will be disappointed as, for now anyway, that's not in the cards at all. I love BF with all my heart and he feels the same but I spent 25 years with someone and it turned out to all be a lie...I can't trust my judgement. I like that if something went sour right now, I can just be done with no legal entanglements at all. Not ready to give that up. I'd love to say I never have doubts about BF but sometimes, they creep in to my dark mind. "what if he doesn't really love me, what if he just wants me for (insert stupid reason here), what if, what if, what if...it all comes down to "what if he's not being sincere?" I try not to listen to those voices but sometimes they rage in my head. It sucks. To be clear, he's never actually done anything to bring these fears on...it's all in my head. He's a great guy, very open and honest with me about everything, gives me no reasons to doubt him...it's just me and my dark voices.

I've been moved to a night position at work which is supposed to carry a hefty bonus but as of yet I've not seen one red cent of that bonus. Grrr. Definitely impacts my time with my kids and BF and just my general health. I'm really not good at confrontation but I'm gonna have to confront my boss soon. She's the type to retaliate against people though so I have to be VERY careful about it. Ugh. I just want what I was promised, I don't think that's too much to ask.

Kids are good except for the youngest...struggling with some health issues and she just won't do the things she has to in order to stay healthy. Raising teenagers ain't for the weak. Really hope and pray she outgrows this condition the way her sister did.

Ok, enough babbling from me!!!! Hoping we all have a great 2021!!!


----------



## Not

Elizabeth001 said:


> I’ve been looking for something else for a while. It’s not that easy to make a move at my age. The owner of the business is a greedy narcissist that doesn’t care about the employees in the least. She was going to replace me with a girl two weeks before Christmas but the manager ended up quitting first. I basically took over his position with no pay raise and had to train the girl that was going to replace me  No benefits...I haven’t seen a doctor in almost 3 years.
> 
> I landed a position at the local college here. The pay isn’t that great but there’s awesome state benefits. The job security alone is worth the move not to mention getting away from the narc.
> 
> I turned in my notice last Friday but yesterday she let me know that I would be forfeiting my accrued vacation so I let her know that she would be forfeiting my notice
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk



Good for you and I hope your new boss is awesome!


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## hubbyintrubby

notmyjamie said:


> Being alone for the first time can be very scary. But remember, you guys are adults, you've worked, paid for your homes, been responsible for your families for years. If you can do that you can learn to be alone. It's not the end of the world, I promise, but it is definitely an adjustment that doesn't always come easy. That's where a place like this comes into play...people to bounce your thoughts and emotions off of for support. _hugs_


And this is exactly what I'll be keeping in the forefront of my mind until I'm comfortable. Very awesomely spoken @notmyjamie , thank you.


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## Numb26

notmyjamie said:


> Being alone for the first time can be very scary. But remember, you guys are adults, you've worked, paid for your homes, been responsible for your families for years. If you can do that you can learn to be alone. It's not the end of the world, I promise, but it is definitely an adjustment that doesn't always come easy. That's where a place like this comes into play...people to bounce your thoughts and emotions off of for support. _hugs_
> 
> As for me, I'm doing well for the most part. Still with BF and still feeling very lucky to have him in my life. We're coming up on two years. I know he wishes we could live together officially but I'm stuck with my house with the ex until Jan 2023. Thankfully, he has a great attitude about it "we deal with what we have to deal with but we can do it as long as we're together" Can't wait for him to get vaccinated and the world to open up so we can start doing things again!!!! We're planning a trip with all our kids to Myrtle Beach next summer. Kids are excited!! I think it will be a good chance for them all to really bond and get to know each other and have fun. I think they are all waiting for us to announce a wedding at some point. They will be disappointed as, for now anyway, that's not in the cards at all. I love BF with all my heart and he feels the same but I spent 25 years with someone and it turned out to all be a lie...I can't trust my judgement. I like that if something went sour right now, I can just be done with no legal entanglements at all. Not ready to give that up. I'd love to say I never have doubts about BF but sometimes, they creep in to my dark mind. "what if he doesn't really love me, what if he just wants me for (insert stupid reason here), what if, what if, what if...it all comes down to "what if he's not being sincere?" I try not to listen to those voices but sometimes they rage in my head. It sucks. To be clear, he's never actually done anything to bring these fears on...it's all in my head. He's a great guy, very open and honest with me about everything, gives me no reasons to doubt him...it's just me and my dark voices.
> 
> I've been moved to a night position at work which is supposed to carry a hefty bonus but as of yet I've not seen one red cent of that bonus. Grrr. Definitely impacts my time with my kids and BF and just my general health. I'm really not good at confrontation but I'm gonna have to confront my boss soon. She's the type to retaliate against people though so I have to be VERY careful about it. Ugh. I just want what I was promised, I don't think that's too much to ask.
> 
> Kids are good except for the youngest...struggling with some health issues and she just won't do the things she has to in order to stay healthy. Raising teenagers ain't for the weak. Really hope and pray she outgrows this condition the way her sister did.
> 
> Ok, enough babbling from me!!!! Hoping we all have a great 2021!!!


Listen to @notmyjamie, she helped me get thru my hardest times


----------



## TXTrini

Elizabeth001 said:


> I’ve been looking for something else for a while. It’s not that easy to make a move at my age. The owner of the business is a greedy narcissist that doesn’t care about the employees in the least. She was going to replace me with a girl two weeks before Christmas but the manager ended up quitting first. I basically took over his position with no pay raise and had to train the girl that was going to replace me  No benefits...I haven’t seen a doctor in almost 3 years.
> 
> I landed a position at the local college here. The pay isn’t that great but there’s awesome state benefits. The job security alone is worth the move not to mention getting away from the narc.
> 
> I turned in my notice last Friday but yesterday she let me know that I would be forfeiting my accrued vacation so I let her know that she would be forfeiting my notice
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


Oh wow, that sounds horrible, I'm so happy you found that other job! I bet it feel awesome to basically tell that c... to shove it! Congrats!


----------



## Elizabeth001

Not said:


> Good for you and I hope your new boss is awesome!


I’ve already met her. She’s pretty young (which is good in my mind) and she seems really nice and super calm. After all of the nut jobs I’ve worked for in my life, I need calm!!


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Elizabeth001

TXTrini said:


> Oh wow, that sounds horrible, I'm so happy you found that other job! I bet it feel awesome to basically tell that c... to shove it! Congrats!


I didn’t get an opportunity to tell her off but I’m glad I took the high road. She will get hers. Can’t outrun karma 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Lila

Elizabeth001 said:


> I didn’t get an opportunity to tell her off but I’m glad I took the high road. She will get hers. Can’t outrun karma
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


You could have been totally passive aggressive and blasted this song on your phone as you were packing your stuff away.


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## Elizabeth001

Hahahaaa! That would have been sweet! 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## TXTrini

Elizabeth001 said:


> I didn’t get an opportunity to tell her off but I’m glad I took the high road. She will get hers. Can’t outrun karma
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


I'm sure she got the memo 😁. No pay, no notice.


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## Hiner112

So there's kind of a funny recent story but I'm not sure who to tell it to so y'all are it.

I was heading toward the doctor for a checkup and I got to thinking, I would be entering the dating pool for the first time since basically everyone I went on a date with was a virgin. Neither I nor anyone I dated at this point would be such. An STI test might be something a partner might ask me to get or I might need to get one for my own piece of mind at some point. Does my GP even do those?

The exchange went something like this:

Dr: So we'll see you beck in a couple months for a followup. Do you have any questions?

Me: ...Yes... but not about that. I'm single for the first time in a long time and I was just wondering if you did STD checks here.

Dr. _professional straight face_: So do you have problems with urination or discharge or....

Me _eyes wide_ _interrupting_: Whoa, whoa, WHOA. I haven't been on a date yet. I was just curious.

Dr. _small smile_: Yes we can do any of those tests you would want to do. Is there anything else?

Me: Nope, that's plenty.

Dr.: Well, you can go out the way you came in. Just call the front desk to make your followup appointment.

Me _hustles out_

I'm too old to be as embarrassed as I was. _sigh_ It is probably putting the cart before the horse to an extent but I didn't know the answer to the question. It probably didn't help that Dr was / is an attractive woman. _At all._


----------



## Not

Hiner112 said:


> So there's kind of a funny recent story but I'm not sure who to tell it to so y'all are it.
> 
> I was heading toward the doctor for a checkup and I got to thinking, I would be entering the dating pool for the first time since basically everyone I went on a date with was a virgin. Neither I nor anyone I dated at this point would be such. An STI test might be something a partner might ask me to get or I might need to get one for my own piece of mind at some point. Does my GP even do those?
> 
> The exchange went something like this:
> 
> Dr: So we'll see you beck in a couple months for a followup. Do you have any questions?
> 
> Me: ...Yes... but not about that. I'm single for the first time in a long time and I was just wondering if you did STD checks here.
> 
> Dr. _professional straight face_: So do you have problems with urination or discharge or....
> 
> Me _eyes wide_ _interrupting_: Whoa, whoa, WHOA. I haven't been on a date yet. I was just curious.
> 
> Dr. _small smile_: Yes we can do any of those tests you would want to do. Is there anything else?
> 
> Me: Nope, that's plenty.
> 
> Dr.: Well, you can go out the way you came in. Just call the front desk to make your followup appointment.
> 
> Me _hustles out_
> 
> I'm too old to be as embarrassed as I was. _sigh_ It is probably putting the cart before the horse to an extent but I didn't know the answer to the question. It probably didn't help that Dr was / is an attractive woman. _At all._


I did the same thing a couple of years ago when I started dating and it _was_ embarrassing! I was so glad I asked though because I was told our age group is notorious for STD's, I had no idea! I assumed it would be teens through 20's. Apparently we all get divorced and go crazy lol!


----------



## Livvie

Hiner112 said:


> So there's kind of a funny recent story but I'm not sure who to tell it to so y'all are it.
> 
> I was heading toward the doctor for a checkup and I got to thinking, I would be entering the dating pool for the first time since basically everyone I went on a date with was a virgin. Neither I nor anyone I dated at this point would be such. An STI test might be something a partner might ask me to get or I might need to get one for my own piece of mind at some point. Does my GP even do those?
> 
> The exchange went something like this:
> 
> Dr: So we'll see you beck in a couple months for a followup. Do you have any questions?
> 
> Me: ...Yes... but not about that. I'm single for the first time in a long time and I was just wondering if you did STD checks here.
> 
> Dr. _professional straight face_: So do you have problems with urination or discharge or....
> 
> Me _eyes wide_ _interrupting_: Whoa, whoa, WHOA. I haven't been on a date yet. I was just curious.
> 
> Dr. _small smile_: Yes we can do any of those tests you would want to do. Is there anything else?
> 
> Me: Nope, that's plenty.
> 
> Dr.: Well, you can go out the way you came in. Just call the front desk to make your followup appointment.
> 
> Me _hustles out_
> 
> I'm too old to be as embarrassed as I was. _sigh_ It is probably putting the cart before the horse to an extent but I didn't know the answer to the question. It probably didn't help that Dr was / is an attractive woman. _At all._


I'll be asking my next partner to get pre tested before sex. Keep in mind you can also get hep B from someone. I'm so not interested in getting something from someone who has been sleeping around, especially since I haven't.

It's a pay to play world (pay meaning-- people who have lots of partners are more apt to get warts, herpes, hep B, and all of the other STIs) and I haven't been, so I'd not be interested in getting something from the one (new) person I have sex with.


----------



## Elizabeth001

FYI...herpes is not included on a standard STI panel. You have to specifically ask for it.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## notmyjamie

I was thoroughly mortified to have to ask my doctor, who I've known for a long time and also took care of my mother, to screen me for STD's when I left my exH. I just said "he cheated." She asked if he used condoms and I said "I have no idea" and so she screened me for everything, no more questions asked. It was a huge relief to have it all come back negative. 

It was pretty nice to say to now BF that I was totally clean. So I guess the embarrassing moments were worth it in more ways than one. 

PS. @Numb26 Thanks for your kind words. It's so nice to see you forging on and building a much better life!!!! Missed you while you were gone!!!


----------



## 3Xnocharm

hubbyintrubby said:


> I'm starting the divorce journey for the second time in my life and I can already tell I'm going to have a big problem with feeling lonely. I've virtually never been a single adult man before. I'm don't really feel like I have a fear of being alone...maybe more like I fear the unknown of what it's like not to have somebody. I guess I'm just saying I don't really know how to be alone and I'm afraid I'm going to try to jump into another relationship before I'm ready just to have somebody like I feel like I've done before.


Finally!! High five!! 

Just be mindful to stay away from women for a while. You have a bad picker, and no woman wants a man who can’t take care of himself. So do some self discovery and try to enjoy the journey this time. You don’t need a woman! 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Numb26

notmyjamie said:


> I was thoroughly mortified to have to ask my doctor, who I've known for a long time and also took care of my mother, to screen me for STD's when I left my exH. I just said "he cheated." She asked if he used condoms and I said "I have no idea" and so she screened me for everything, no more questions asked. It was a huge relief to have it all come back negative.
> 
> It was pretty nice to say to now BF that I was totally clean. So I guess the embarrassing moments were worth it in more ways than one.
> 
> PS. @Numb26 Thanks for your kind words. It's so nice to see you forging on and building a much better life!!!! Missed you while you were gone!!!


Was concentrating on the move so didn't have much free time but I am back now


----------



## TXTrini

Hiner112 said:


> So there's kind of a funny recent story but I'm not sure who to tell it to so y'all are it.
> 
> I was heading toward the doctor for a checkup and I got to thinking, I would be entering the dating pool for the first time since basically everyone I went on a date with was a virgin. Neither I nor anyone I dated at this point would be such. An STI test might be something a partner might ask me to get or I might need to get one for my own piece of mind at some point. Does my GP even do those?
> 
> The exchange went something like this:
> 
> Dr: So we'll see you beck in a couple months for a followup. Do you have any questions?
> 
> Me: ...Yes... but not about that. I'm single for the first time in a long time and I was just wondering if you did STD checks here.
> 
> Dr. _professional straight face_: So do you have problems with urination or discharge or....
> 
> Me _eyes wide_ _interrupting_: Whoa, whoa, WHOA. I haven't been on a date yet. I was just curious.
> 
> Dr. _small smile_: Yes we can do any of those tests you would want to do. Is there anything else?
> 
> Me: Nope, that's plenty.
> 
> Dr.: Well, you can go out the way you came in. Just call the front desk to make your followup appointment.
> 
> Me _hustles out_
> 
> I'm too old to be as embarrassed as I was. _sigh_ It is probably putting the cart before the horse to an extent but I didn't know the answer to the question. It probably didn't help that Dr was / is an attractive woman. _At all._


Awww, I remember when I had to do it. I cried in my doctor's office when I had to explain why I needed it, which totally shocked her. My ex used to come to my appointments with me. They've seen it all, unfortunately, but I was still embarrassed to have to ask. Its the first time I ever had a STD panel done in my life,


----------



## Blondilocks

We had to be checked for syphilis before we could get a marriage license. I don't think they do that anymore.


----------



## ConanHub

Lila said:


> Still single and sort of looking in a very passive way😁.
> 
> Theme song to my dating life..."if it's meant to be it'll be, baby just let it be"


Love that song but first time I've seen the video.

It looked like she was about to fall out of that outfit she was wearing while hitchhiking!😳


----------



## ConanHub

Elizabeth001 said:


> Well I take one day off from TAM & see what happens. Dang!
> 
> I walked out of my job today. Backed up the old schnauzer-mobile, opened the hatch, loaded all of my shat and left. How liberating. I sort of want to strip off all my clothes and run around in the yard naked.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


Pictures required.😁


----------



## ConanHub

Hiner112 said:


> So there's kind of a funny recent story but I'm not sure who to tell it to so y'all are it.
> 
> I was heading toward the doctor for a checkup and I got to thinking, I would be entering the dating pool for the first time since basically everyone I went on a date with was a virgin. Neither I nor anyone I dated at this point would be such. An STI test might be something a partner might ask me to get or I might need to get one for my own piece of mind at some point. Does my GP even do those?
> 
> The exchange went something like this:
> 
> Dr: So we'll see you beck in a couple months for a followup. Do you have any questions?
> 
> Me: ...Yes... but not about that. I'm single for the first time in a long time and I was just wondering if you did STD checks here.
> 
> Dr. _professional straight face_: So do you have problems with urination or discharge or....
> 
> Me _eyes wide_ _interrupting_: Whoa, whoa, WHOA. I haven't been on a date yet. I was just curious.
> 
> Dr. _small smile_: Yes we can do any of those tests you would want to do. Is there anything else?
> 
> Me: Nope, that's plenty.
> 
> Dr.: Well, you can go out the way you came in. Just call the front desk to make your followup appointment.
> 
> Me _hustles out_
> 
> I'm too old to be as embarrassed as I was. _sigh_ It is probably putting the cart before the horse to an extent but I didn't know the answer to the question. It probably didn't help that Dr was / is an attractive woman. _At all._


😆


----------



## Lila

I have been overwhelmed with work lately and feel like I am drowning. Feeling like this releases the mental demons I have worked hard to either cage or push to the back of my mind. Why? Because I start to think how nice it would be to have a supportive partner to hug. Someone in my life who is a distraction from the grind. It's times like these when I think the next 20 years are going to suck.


----------



## Affaircare

@Lila, 

Instead of caging or pushing down the "mental demon" why don't you invite the mental demon to tea (literally, brew some tea and set out two cups)? Spend a set amount of time acknowledging the demon ("Yep, you exist. Yep, I feel overwhelmed and sad. Yep, this actually does suck.), and then after said set amount of time, spend some EQUAL time acknowledging that it won't be like this forever and that life IS change, and then tell the demon it is TIME TO GO, and go escort them out the door. Open the front door and tell them they are free to go--you don't need them anymore.

In my head I call that a Pity Party. I throw very short little parties, and my demons bring melancholy-flower salads, and doleful pineapple pizza--one brought wistful-wisteria as a gift (crazy demon). Then we wallow in the mud, play a hearty round of 'whoa is me,' and I shoo them out the door.


----------



## TXTrini

Lila said:


> I have been overwhelmed with work lately and feel like I am drowning. Feeling like this releases the mental demons I have worked hard to either cage or push to the back of my mind. Why? Because I start to think how nice it would be to have a supportive partner to hug. Someone in my life who is a distraction from the grind. It's times like these when I think the next 20 years are going to suck.


Hey chick, if you were in the neighborhood, I'd pop over with some takeout and a movie with some studly dude taking his shirt off . I'm sorry life seems untenable lately, I hope it starts its upwards trajectory real soon _hugs_. The next 20 years are NOT going to suck! Nothing lasts forever, including this slump. 

Do you have a pet? I used to get lots of cuddles from my doggie when he was around and it really helped with my loneliness, one look at the little face, so full of love and trust really helped. Sometimes it helps to have something to love, even if it's not a partner.


----------



## Lila

Affaircare said:


> @Lila,
> 
> Instead of caging or pushing down the "mental demon" why don't you invite the mental demon to tea (literally, brew some tea and set out two cups)? Spend a set amount of time acknowledging the demon ("Yep, you exist. Yep, I feel overwhelmed and sad. Yep, this actually does suck.), and then after said set amount of time, spend some EQUAL time acknowledging that it won't be like this forever and that life IS change, and then tell the demon it is TIME TO GO, and go escort them out the door. Open the front door and tell them they are free to go--you don't need them anymore.
> 
> In my head I call that a Pity Party. I throw very short little parties, and my demons bring melancholy-flower salads, and doleful pineapple pizza--one brought wistful-wisteria as a gift (crazy demon). Then we wallow in the mud, play a hearty round of 'whoa is me,' and I shoo them out the door.



I try to practice gratitude, which helps me center myself and helps me usher the demons out the door. I don't have a reason to be a sad or to pity myself. On the contrary, I should be reveling in the life with which I have been blessed. Unfortunately, those demons sometimes barge right in bringing with them the gift of doubt, specifically doubt that anything will change in my romantic life. I still haven't figured out how to avoid doubt. I'm open to suggestions.


----------



## Lila

TXTrini said:


> Hey chick, if you were in the neighborhood, I'd pop over with some takeout and a movie with some studly dude taking his shirt off . I'm sorry life seems untenable lately, I hope it starts its upwards trajectory real soon _hugs_. The next 20 years are NOT going to suck! Nothing lasts forever, including this slump.
> 
> Do you have a pet? I used to get lots of cuddles from my doggie when he was around and it really helped with my loneliness, one look at the little face, so full of love and trust really helped. Sometimes it helps to have something to love, even if it's not a partner.


 @TXTrini I do have a new puppy but he's a pain in the ass 😂. He's only 4 months old and he's super obstinate and defiant. He is my test of patience. I'm hopeful he gets better and chills out as he gets older. 

I keep waiting for the next season of my life to start but that doesn't seem to be happening. I feel like I'm stuck in ground hogs day. Ykwim?


----------



## TXTrini

Lila said:


> @TXTrini I do have a new puppy but he's a pain in the ass 😂. He's only 4 months old and he's super obstinate and defiant. He is my test of patience. I'm hopeful he gets better and chills out as he gets older.
> 
> I keep waiting for the next season of my life to start but that doesn't seem to be happening. I feel like I'm stuck in ground hogs day. Ykwim?


Is he a husky?  My husky didn't do anything he thought was stupid and let you know. He was an adult when I got him though, a rescue.

I do know what you mean, I feel like I can't catch a freaking break for the last few years, it's always something. Just trying to weather the storm and not get too depressed. It sounds like you need some emotional release, do you do any meditation?

Last night I couldn't settle, until 20g of melatonin, a grief/stress blend in my diffuser, and a good 2 hrs of meditation just to clear my head enough to sleep. One that really helped me was 



followed by


----------



## Lila

TXTrini said:


> Is he a husky?  My husky didn't do anything he thought was stupid and let you know. He was an adult when I got him though, a rescue.
> 
> I do know what you mean, I feel like I can't catch a freaking break for the last few years, it's always something. Just trying to weather the storm and not get too depressed. It sounds like you need some emotional release, do you do any meditation?
> 
> Last night I couldn't settle, until 20g of melatonin, a grief/stress blend in my diffuser, and a good 2 hrs of meditation just to clear my head enough to sleep. One that really helped me was
> 
> 
> 
> followed by


He's a chihuahua mix lololol. He is like those sour patch kids. Some moments he's sweet and at others he's sour. 

I do meditate and I have listened to the Honest Guys. I'm also a big fan of Michael Sealy. He talks slow and enunciates every word. For some reason I find his slow, calm pattern of speech very relaxing. It's like a mental caress.

Eta:. Our time will come. We have to keep saying that to ourselves.


----------



## TXTrini

Lila said:


> He's a chihuahua mix lololol. He likes those sour patch kids. Some moments he's sweet and at others he's sour.
> 
> I do meditate and I have listened to the Honest Guys. I'm also a big fan of Michael Sealy. He talks slow and enunciates every word. For some reason I find his slow, calm pattern of speech very relaxing. It's like a mental caress.


hehe an anklebiter. I can't have small dogs, I don't see them when my glasses are off. I used to step on my dog all the time b/c he ws almost the same colour as the carpet, but he survived, a chihuahua would not.

He is great, isn't he? That's the exact reason I enjoy the talkdowns. I've used many of them, for stress, anxiety, positive affirmations and felt much better for it.


----------



## In Absentia

Lila said:


> I have been overwhelmed with work lately and feel like I am drowning. Feeling like this releases the mental demons I have worked hard to either cage or push to the back of my mind. Why? Because I start to think how nice it would be to have a supportive partner to hug. Someone in my life who is a distraction from the grind. It's times like these when I think the next 20 years are going to suck.


I feel exactly the same. That I will be on my own for the rest of my life, unable to form another meaningful relationship. Life sucks right now.


----------



## Lila

In Absentia said:


> I feel exactly the same. That I will be on my own for the rest of my life, unable to form another meaningful relationship. Life sucks right now.


Doubt is a mother ****er isn't it? 

I'm not really sure how to change that mindset. I have tried envisioning positive outcomes and actively doing things to reach those goals. I'm sure resilience plays a role in all of it. After all, you have to be resilient in order to keep a positive outlook when all you're hitting are dead ends over... And over.... And over..... And over.... And... You get it.


----------



## In Absentia

Lila said:


> Doubt is a mother ****er isn't it?
> 
> I'm not really sure how to change that mindset. I have tried envisioning positive outcomes and actively doing things to reach those goals. I'm sure resilience plays a role in all of it. After all, you have to be resilient in order to keep a positive outlook when all you're hitting are dead ends over... And over.... And over..... And over.... And... You get it.


I just can't believe I've screwed up so massively in my marriage. When things got tough, I crumbled and now I can't see myself being strong enough to be able to deal with more failures. It's a terrible mindset, but I can't shake it off.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

In Absentia said:


> I feel exactly the same. That I will be on my own for the rest of my life, unable to form another meaningful relationship. Life sucks right now.


You don’t need to have a relationship for your life to have meaning and be fulfilling! 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## In Absentia

3Xnocharm said:


> You don’t need to have a relationship for your life to have meaning and be fulfilling!


Of course... but it's rather difficult to imagine it right now.


----------



## Lila

In Absentia said:


> I just can't believe I've screwed up so massively in my marriage. When things got tough, I crumbled and now I can't see myself being strong enough to be able to deal with more failures. It's a terrible mindset, but I can't shake it off.


That's called regret and you'll need to find a way to forgive yourself to move past it.


----------



## Lila

3Xnocharm said:


> You don’t need to have a relationship for your life to have meaning and be fulfilling!
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I get this but boy is it so much nicer when you have someone to share it with.


----------



## In Absentia

Lila said:


> That's called regret and you'll need to find a way to forgive yourself to move past it.


yes, hopefully... I even opened a thread asking for advice re: how to overcome regret and sense of failure some time ago. Until I can move about, go back to my own country for a while, etc. it will be impossible to detach and start over...


----------



## Numb26

Lila said:


> I get this but boy is it so much nicer when you have someone to share it with.


This is what I have been feeling lately


----------



## hubbyintrubby

Numb26 said:


> This is what I have been feeling lately


And the lack of it is what I've been afraid of.


----------



## Livvie

...but at the same time, read some of the recent threads here. Many many many married people are in absolute crap marriages with ongoing, everyday conflict, and/or with people who don't care about their spouses and aren't participating in the marriage in a variety of different ways. 

I'd much rather be single!!


----------



## In Absentia

Livvie said:


> ...but at the same time, read some of the recent threads here. Many many many married people are in absolute crap marriages with ongoing, everyday conflict, and/or with people who don't care about their spouses and aren't participating in the marriage in a variety of different ways.
> 
> I'd much rather be single!!


Well, if you put it this way...


----------



## Elizabeth001

Livvie said:


> ...but at the same time, read some of the recent threads here. Many many many married people are in absolute crap marriages with ongoing, everyday conflict, and/or with people who don't care about their spouses and aren't participating in the marriage in a variety of different ways.
> 
> I'd much rather be single!!


Absolutely! When I get to feeling lonely, I force myself to remember how it felt when I was in such a miserable place with the X and we were stuck there trying to sell the house in a bad market. I felt utterly helpless. He was such a negative person and the energy was toxic and depressing!

I’ll pick single any day over that mess!


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## ConanHub

3Xnocharm said:


> You don’t need to have a relationship for your life to have meaning and be fulfilling!
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I not only get this, I was living it until I met my Mrs.

If I found myself without her, unlikely as she will probably outlive me, I have serious doubts that I would have another intimate relationship.

I love intimacy, sex and companionship but I'm fine without it as well.

I don't think everyone is wired that way though.

A lot of folks really kind of have a hole in them without a loving partner.


----------



## Not

Livvie said:


> ...but at the same time, read some of the recent threads here. Many many many married people are in absolute crap marriages with ongoing, everyday conflict, and/or with people who don't care about their spouses and aren't participating in the marriage in a variety of different ways.
> 
> I'd much rather be single!!


I agree with this but at the same time when two people meet and they’ve both lived that previously and really internalized the reality of that, things will be different. Neither one would make room for that in their lives because they know being single would be better.


----------



## Affaircare

Not said:


> I agree with this but at the same time when two people meet and they’ve both lived that previously and really internalized the reality of that, things will be different. Neither one would make room for that in their lives because they know being single would be better.


Yeah I’m quoting this for truth! Having been through a life with exH of conflict and control and mental illness...and then the peace and calm of being single afterwards, I don’t make room for anything other than a healthy, loving, respectful relationship. I would be single happily rather than put up with that kind of living.


----------



## Lila

Not throwing shade but I saw this on my instagram feed today and couldn't stop laughing. You'll understand why if you're a woman and have tried online dating. My favorite is the one with the litterbox in the back. 😂😂😂


----------



## ConanHub

Lila said:


> Not throwing shade but I saw this on my instagram feed today and couldn't stop laughing. You'll understand why if you're a woman and have tried online dating. My favorite is the one with the litterbox in the back. 😂😂😂
> View attachment 74544
> View attachment 74544


I died!!!!🤣


----------



## Lila

Do any of you fellow divorced single people feel like the relationship Gollum to your partnered friends/family? In other words, you (and your situation) serve as the example of what happens after divorce and should be avoided at all costs?


----------



## 2&out

Absolutely not. Most of them are jealous and I know that because 80% of them tell me so - and that includes the women I know.


----------



## Lila

2&out said:


> Absolutely not. Most of them are jealous and I know that because 80% of them tell me so - and that includes the women I know.


That's awesome. 

I think I might have inadvertently saved a marriage or two amongst my social circle. Makes me feel like I'm the example for "the grass is not greener".


----------



## Blondilocks

Lila said:


> Not throwing shade but I saw this on my instagram feed today and couldn't stop laughing. You'll understand why if you're a woman and have tried online dating. My favorite is the one with the litterbox in the back. 😂😂😂
> View attachment 74544
> View attachment 74544


I must need new glasses because I'm not seeing a litter box. Help me out?


----------



## Lila

Blondilocks said:


> I must need new glasses because I'm not seeing a litter box. Help me out?


Is that not a litterbox in the background of the lower right pic? I just assumed that's what it was.


----------



## 2&out

Not trying to be mean Lila - but I think you need to focus more on the positives of being single than the negatives. There are lots and lots of positives IMHO. Doesn't reading here remind you of "yea - marriage is more an _idea_ of being "happy"" then in reality being so. My conclusion is marriage is way more work than the payoff is worth - and being single is easy ! Certainly A LOT more stress free (for me).


----------



## CrAzYdOgLaDy

I am actually looking forward to being single again. No one telling me I can't do this or that. No one yelling at me or giving me the silent treatment. No more panic attacks hearing his car pull into the drive. I can do things at my own pace and hope to one day meet someone who has the same dream as me, which is to have my own animal rescue. They have to be an animal lover haha. My ex husband was a so called animal lover who hurt my dogs in his temper. My D I V O R C E can't come quick enough. 

Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


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## Lila

2&out said:


> Not trying to be mean Lila - but I think you need to focus more on the positives of being single than the negatives. There are lots and lots of positives IMHO. Doesn't reading here remind you of "yea - marriage is more an _idea_ of being "happy"" then in reality being so. My conclusion is marriage is way more work than the payoff is worth - and being single is easy ! Certainly A LOT more stress free (for me).



I think my partnered friends see me struggle with the things they have taken granted in their relationship. Things like home maintenance, child custody arrangements, holidays, finding a date for a function, etc. It's not huge stuff but it does make people think twice about frivolous marital complaints. I'll also add they hear about my "adventures in dating" and want no part of that. 

I think some parts of being single are better than being married but I would never say it's easier to be single than be married. It's probably because my marriage ran was like a fortune 500 company. We each had our responsibilities and we had a good functioning "partnership". We just grew up and grew apart. Sucks that we didn't work out but we didn't have a contentious relationship overall.


----------



## notmyjamie

Lila said:


> Not throwing shade but I saw this on my instagram feed today and couldn't stop laughing. You'll understand why if you're a woman and have tried online dating. My favorite is the one with the litterbox in the back. 😂😂😂


One of the reasons I answered BF's message was that his profile pictures were completely down to earth. One of just him sitting in a chair at an outside restaurant and the other was standing in a what I thought was a Christmas tree lot but turned out to be a single pine tree. The third was a great shot of him playing keyboards. No awkward guy photos in sight. LOL


----------



## Blondilocks

Lila said:


> Is that not a litterbox in the background of the lower right pic? I just assumed that's what it was.


What I see in that pic is cat, patio table with umbrella in center with potted plants on either side of the pole and possibly a white railing behind it. I probably need new glasses, though, because I thought I saw the non-existent cat @Andy1001 talked about in a photo Conan posted.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

CrAzYdOgLaDy said:


> I am actually looking forward to being single again. No one telling me I can't do this or that. No one yelling at me or giving me the silent treatment. No more panic attacks hearing his car pull into the drive. I can do things at my own pace and hope to one day meet someone who has the same dream as me, which is to have my own animal rescue. They have to be an animal lover haha. My ex husband was a so called animal lover who hurt my dogs in his temper. My D I V O R C E can't come quick enough.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


Yes! All of this! Getting free is sooo liberating in so many ways!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## heartsbeating

Blondilocks said:


> What I see in that pic is cat, patio table with umbrella in center with potted plants on either side of the pole and possibly a white railing behind it. I probably need new glasses, though, because I thought I saw the non-existent cat @Andy1001 talked about in a photo Conan posted.


🤣

Far bottom-right cat (cutest of them all, by the way), I also see the setting as a glass patio table with umbrella in middle, potted plant and maybe an ash-tray the other side of this - as it’s got the dips in the side.


----------



## heartsbeating

Yeah might be another potted plant - that could be an illusion making it look like there's a dip at the side edge. It’d be a pretty deep ash-tray otherwise. Hmm ... Maybe he uses that as a litter tray either way 🥸


----------



## Andy1001

heartsbeating said:


> 🤣
> 
> Far bottom-right cat (cutest of them all, by the way), I also see the setting as a glass patio table with umbrella in middle, potted plant and maybe an ash-tray the other side of this - as it’s got the dips in the side.


The type of floor in this picture must be hell on the cats paws.


----------



## heartsbeating

Andy1001 said:


> The type of floor in this picture must be hell on the cats paws.


Astroturf?


----------



## Elizabeth001

The grated stuff. Same reason I won’t tote my dogs in a shopping cart without a rug.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## TXTrini

Lila said:


> Do any of you fellow divorced single people feel like the relationship Gollum to your partnered friends/family? In other words, you (and your situation) serve as the example of what happens after divorce and should be avoided at all costs?


Yes. A close family member has been trying to keep my divorce quiet, like I did something wrong. I guess it would have been "better " to pretend everything was perfect and stay with a cheating spouse. Apparently bad things happen to me because I don't go to church. It's been very hurtful and stressful , so I've been keeping my distance and feeling rather isolated.


----------



## ConanHub

TXTrini said:


> Yes. A close family member has been trying to keep my divorce quiet, like I did something wrong. I guess it would have been "better " to pretend everything was perfect and stay with a cheating spouse. Apparently bad things happen to me because I don't go to church. It's been very hurtful and stressful , so I've been keeping my distance and feeling rather isolated.


😱

I know a LOT of divorced church people and a lot who have bad things happen as well.

Sometimes my brain hurts too much to try with this ****.


----------



## TXTrini

ConanHub said:


> 😱
> 
> I know a LOT of divorced church people and a lot who have bad things happen as well.
> 
> Sometimes my brain hurts too much to try with this ****.


Thanks. I know, it's just not what I was looking for that from that particular person. The timing was within a few days of DD and I thought it may have been unintentional at the time. 

But it's 18 months later, and the "shame" of my "situation " is still communicated loud and clear. Life sucks when a major part of your support system communicates this attitude. Can people be so oblivious that they just don't get it?


----------



## jlg07

TXTrini said:


> Thanks. I know, it's just not what I was looking for that from that particular person. The timing was within a few days of DD and I thought it may have been unintentional at the time.
> 
> But it's 18 months later, and the "shame" of my "situation " is still communicated loud and clear. Life sucks when a major part of your support system communicates this attitude. Can people be so oblivious that they just don't get it?


Some people are just too righteous and have very little empathy for anyone who doesn't think and/or live like they do. The EXACT antithesis of Christian. Honestly, if they get at you again, tell them that what they are saying is a VERY unChristian like attitude. Ask them where is their love for their common man? Putting you down about this says BOOKS about how Christian they really are -- then walk away.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

jlg07 said:


> Honestly, if they get at you again, tell them that what they are saying is a VERY unChristian like attitude. Ask them where is their love for their common man? Putting you down about this says BOOKS about how Christian they really are -- then walk away.


Way too nice. Ask them what makes them think that you give even half a FK what they think about how you live your life. If they can’t support you then they can get the FK out and shove their uppity unwanted opinion up their fake Christian butts. 


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----------



## Blondilocks

TXTrini said:


> Thanks. I know, it's just not what I was looking for that from that particular person. The timing was within a few days of DD and I thought it may have been unintentional at the time.
> 
> But it's 18 months later, and the "shame" of my "situation " is still communicated loud and clear. Life sucks when a major part of your support system communicates this attitude. Can people be so oblivious that they just don't get it?


Are they able to explain how *you* not going to church motivated your *husband *to put his penis where it didn't belong? Are they saying you are responsible for your husband's actions? If they can't explain it, then they have no business putting the blame on you.

Yes, they can be so oblivious. More likely there is a disconnect between their brain and mouth.


----------



## ConanHub

Blondilocks said:


> Are they able to explain how *you* not going to church motivated your *husband *to put his penis where it didn't belong? Are they saying you are responsible for your husband's actions? If they can't explain it, then they have no business putting the blame on you.
> 
> Yes, they can be so oblivious. More likely there is a disconnect between their brain and mouth.


I know a LOT of religious church attenders that got caught with their pants down.


----------



## ConanHub

I'm wondering if @LisaDiane is doing ok?


----------



## Elizabeth001

TXTrini said:


> Thanks. I know, it's just not what I was looking for that from that particular person. The timing was within a few days of DD and I thought it may have been unintentional at the time.
> 
> But it's 18 months later, and the "shame" of my "situation " is still communicated loud and clear. Life sucks when a major part of your support system communicates this attitude. Can people be so oblivious that they just don't get it?


I think the word is “obtuse”...you’re welcome 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## Elizabeth001

Elizabeth001 said:


> I think the word is “obtuse”...you’re welcome
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


And yes...yes they can.

I’ve been in orientation mostly on my new job for my first 2 days, but I’ve had a few minutes to hang out at my new “old” desk. This was taped to the top, I assume from the retired person I replaced:










I did chuckle when I first saw it because I could imagine the person that put it there....HOWEVER...

I had the pleasure of removing it before I left today!

I might have a bad day here or there but I fervently hope that my mind remains open until the day I die!


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## TXTrini

Hi guys, been MIA all weekend, thanks for the support. This has been weighing heavily on me for the last 18 months. At first I thought I was being over sensitive b/c of the timing. We finally talked last weekend, I didn't go off on a tangent, or anything. I simply told him that his comments really hurt, bc Iinstead of offering support, he kicked me when I was down.

Just b/c I don't cry in front of people, fall apart and talk about my crap 24/7 like he did after his divorce, doesn't mean I have no feelings. I guess people just can't understand those who choose not to wallow and move on with life? Anyway, I told him I didn't care what anyone (including him) thought, and if he couldn't be supportive, he should keep his "advice" to himself. 

I suppose we reconciled, but I know it's until the next round... as soon as he gets comfortable again. Why can't family just be there for you sometimes instead of wanting to control your every move? I'm tired of having to be the asshole every time I must enforce my boundaries. 



jlg07 said:


> Some people are just too righteous and have very little empathy for anyone who doesn't think and/or live like they do. The EXACT antithesis of Christian. Honestly, if they get at you again, tell them that what they are saying is a VERY unChristian like attitude. Ask them where is their love for their common man? Putting you down about this says BOOKS about how Christian they really are -- then walk away.


Yes, he's self righteous, it seems to run in the family. I don't see the point in arguing when I know it won't make a difference, so I've quietly gone my own way.


3Xnocharm said:


> Way too nice. Ask them what makes them think that you give even half a FK what they think about how you live your life. If they can’t support you then they can get the FK out and shove their uppity unwanted opinion up their fake Christian butts.
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Easier said than done when it's one of two people in your family left you're close to and you do GAF about what they think of you.


Blondilocks said:


> Are they able to explain how *you* not going to church motivated your *husband *to put his penis where it didn't belong? Are they saying you are responsible for your husband's actions? If they can't explain it, then they have no business putting the blame on you.
> 
> Yes, they can be so oblivious. More likely there is a disconnect between their brain and mouth.


I completely agree, oblivious is exactly the word I used to describe his attitude for other issues we've had in the past. I have pointed out how unbecoming his attitude is as a Christian. 



Elizabeth001 said:


> I think the word is “obtuse”...you’re welcome
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


This is an apt descriptor... Some people are so caught up in themselves they can't see anything else.


----------



## Numb26

After the last disastrous date I am thinking that I need to make up for it by having a good date. I am going to reach out the the one I met and was interested a couple of weeks ago. Wish me luck!


----------



## TXTrini

Numb26 said:


> After the last disastrous date I am thinking that I need to make up for it by having a good date. I am going to reach out the the one I met and was interested a couple of weeks ago. Wish me luck!


Keep us posted!


----------



## Numb26

TXTrini said:


> Keep us posted!


Somebody must have told her I asked for her number because she called me before I had the chance to call her. Dinner tomorrow


----------



## TXTrini

Numb26 said:


> Somebody must have told her I asked for her number because she called me before I had the chance to call her. Dinner tomorrow


Bow chicka wow wow!


----------



## Numb26

Date went very well.last night! Nice dinner, then drinks. Conversation never dragged. One good sign was that she was constantly touching me, my arms and chest.. Shows interest on her side, right? There will definitely be a second date.


----------



## Blondilocks

Numb26 said:


> Date went very well.last night! Nice dinner, then drinks. Conversation never dragged. One good sign was that *she was constantly touching me, my arms and chest.. *Shows interest on her side, right? There will definitely be a second date.


This could be a good sign or a red flag. I get the arm touching; but, the chest? How did she work that in there?


----------



## Numb26

Blondilocks said:


> This could be a good sign or a red flag. I get the arm touching; but, the chest? How did she work that in there?


Well, I am a bigger guy. She seemed very interested in hearing about my training and the competitions so I didn't feel uncomfortable with it. I took it as more of a curiosity thing. It didn't come off as she was treating me as an object, if that makes sense.


----------



## Blondilocks

Numb26 said:


> Well, I am a bigger guy. She seemed very interested in hearing about my training and the competitions so I didn't feel uncomfortable with it. I took it as more of a curiosity thing. It didn't come off as she was treating me as an object, if that makes sense.


Ah, ok. And you don't feel as though she was measuring you for a body bag, so that's good. You might want to start talking about all of your leg work.


----------



## Numb26

Blondilocks said:


> Ah, ok. And you don't feel as though she was measuring you for a body bag, so that's good. You might want to start talking about all of your leg work.


I didn't want to be to forward on the first date. Haha

I think I would have been put off if she had touched my legs


----------



## Lila

Numb26 said:


> I didn't want to be to forward on the first date. Haha
> 
> I think I would have been put off if she had touched my legs


Congratulations on the successful first date. Sounds like she was very into you if she was touching your arms and chest. The other way to know if she's interested is if she was mimicing your movements, and when she talked to you was she facing you (knees to knees) or away. Were you two sitting across from each other or next to each other?

Your lady friend sounds like she's a touchy feely person. Are you comfortable with that?


----------



## Numb26

We were sitting across from each other at dinner, beside each other during drinks. Good eye contact during dinner and knees touching during drinks. I didn't notice any mimicking but she did play with her hair a lot.

I do like touchy/feely. I am that way too.


----------



## Lila

Numb26 said:


> We were sitting across from each other at dinner, beside each other during drinks. Good eye contact during dinner and knees touching during drinks. I didn't notice any mimicking but she did play with her hair a lot.
> 
> I do like touchy/feely. I am that way too.


Yeah if your knees were touching at the bar, that's a really good sign. 

So when's the next date?😉


----------



## Numb26

Lila said:


> Yeah if your knees were touching at the bar, that's a really good sign.
> 
> So when's the next date?😉


Don't know but I hope soon. I will call her later on today.


----------



## ConanHub

Numb26 said:


> Date went very well.last night! Nice dinner, then drinks. Conversation never dragged. One good sign was that she was constantly touching me, my arms and chest.. Shows interest on her side, right? There will definitely be a second date.


Definitely physical interest. That's not bad and if other aspects of your interaction were good, it sounds like a solid place to start.


----------



## Numb26

ConanHub said:


> Definitely physical interest. That's not bad and if other aspects of your interaction were good, it sounds like a solid place to start.


There is definitely physical interest on my side. Haha We got along well, have some of the same interests and we even like the same drink! The only potential obstacle is the cultural differences


----------



## ConanHub

Numb26 said:


> There is definitely physical interest on my side. Haha We got along well, have some of the same interests and we even like the same drink! The only potential obstacle is the cultural differences


Care to illuminate?


----------



## Numb26

ConanHub said:


> Care to illuminate?


She belongs to the Crow nation


----------



## ConanHub

Numb26 said:


> She belongs to the Crow nation


I'm not up on their ways. Is she super religious about them?


----------



## Numb26

ConanHub said:


> I'm not up on their ways. Is she super religious about them?


I am not either but I am sure I will learn about Tribal ways and beliefs if we see more of each other


----------



## heartsbeating

Numb26 said:


> Don't know but I hope soon. I will call her later on today.


I take it she didn’t ask about tofu on the menu?

Good to hear your date went well!


----------



## TXTrini

Numb26 said:


> Date went very well.last night! Nice dinner, then drinks. Conversation never dragged. One good sign was that she was constantly touching me, my arms and chest.. Shows interest on her side, right? There will definitely be a second date.





Lila said:


> Congratulations on the successful first date. Sounds like she was very into you if she was touching your arms and chest. The other way to know if she's interested is if she was mimicing your movements, and when she talked to you was she facing you (knees to knees) or away. Were you two sitting across from each other or next to each other?
> 
> Your lady friend sounds like she's a touchy feely person. Are you comfortable with that?


Sounds like a promising start, Numb! Man, I have to say, I am really surprised at the no-nos to the touchy-feeling stuff . Good thing I'm not single anymore


----------



## Lila

TXTrini said:


> Sounds like a promising start, Numb! Man, I have to say, I am really surprised at the no-nos to the touchy-feeling stuff . Good thing I'm not single anymore


Girl, I'm single and struggle with the touchy feeling thing. I grew up in a culture where "personal space" is defined by inches and not feet. Everyone kisses cheeks hello, goodbye, and everything in between. To not greet someone with a kiss on the cheek is considered disrespectful. 

Having said that, I have learned to limit my ways to those who know me well. However I do want to find that special guy who enjoys my natural warmth and physically affectionate manner. You'd think this would be easy (every man will say they like physical affection) but it hasn't. My test for compatibility is to sit next to them in a booth. If they balk or look uncomfortable, it's a no for me.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

I’m touchy feely too! If a man doesn’t like to be touched then I would drive him nuts lol. I need someone who is the same way.. right now I am so touch starved I don’t even feel normal any more. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## TXTrini

Lila said:


> Girl, I'm single and struggle with the touchy feeling thing. I grew up in a culture where "personal space" is defined by inches and not feet. Everyone kisses cheeks hello, goodbye, and everything in between. To not greet someone with a kiss on the cheek is considered disrespectful.
> 
> Having said that, I have learned to limit my ways to those who know me well. However I do want to find that special guy who enjoys my natural warmth and physically affectionate manner. You'd think this would be easy (every man will say they like physical affection) but it hasn't. My test for compatibility is to sit next to them in a booth. If they balk or look uncomfortable, it's a no for me.


You and me both!! Thankfully my bf is touchy-feely too, or we wouldn't have worked. I didn't play too "nice". I was full-on me, warts and all. I figured if he could deal with my quirks, we'd get on. Now that could have blown up spectacularly, but I'd rather find out sooner than later. So far, we're still alive and kickin it 


3Xnocharm said:


> I’m touchy feely too! If a man doesn’t like to be touched then I would drive him nuts lol. I need someone who is the same way.. right now I am so touch starved I don’t even feel normal any more.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Girl, I feel you. I was touch-starved for years. I remember bursting into tears when my ex hugged me once, he was shocked and horrified, b/c I don't cry easily.


----------



## Blondilocks

TXTrini said:


> Girl, I feel you. I was touch-starved for years. *I remember bursting into tears* when my ex hugged me once, he was shocked and horrified, b/c I don't cry easily.


Aw, that is heartbreaking. I'm sorry he deprived you.


----------



## TXTrini

Blondilocks said:


> Aw, that is heartbreaking. I'm sorry he deprived you.


I don't think he intended to, we were 21 when we first met and he did try to be a good husband, but his idea of being a good husband was to take care of his financial responsibilities. 

Looking back, I realize we didn't really like each other for who we grew up to be and grew apart. I just didn't get the memo, b/c I'm too stubborn and don't know when to quit.


----------



## Lila

TXTrini said:


> I'm too stubborn and don't know when to quit.


You and me both. I call it the pitbull mentality. You fight or die trying. 

My only hope is that you did share some good times in your marriage to your husband.


----------



## TXTrini

Lila said:


> You and me both. I call it the pitbull mentality. You fight or die trying.
> 
> My only hope is that you did share some good times in your marriage to your husband.


To me, everything has a solution, it's just a matter of finding it. It's truly a double edged sword. 

I'm the suspicious sort, so all the "good " times are questionable b/c he cheated and lied to my face for so long. It's all good, it made it easier to not be hung up on him.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

TXTrini said:


> Looking back, I realize we didn't really like each other for who we grew up to be and grew apart. I just didn't get the memo, b/c I'm too stubborn and don't know when to quit.


Wow this is me too! Like Lila says, the pit bull mentality! It seems that once I get it in my head what I want, I clamp down on it and fight like hell to hang onto it, no matter how effed up it’s turning out to be! I mean yeah eventually I wise up and let go, but seem to love wasting years of my life fighting for what I thought I wanted. Hopefully if I ever manage to get into another relationship, I take this lesson with me and let go much faster if it goes bad. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Not

My fambam is all moved into my basement! I've got a house full now whereas before it was just me and my DD18 and she was only over every other week. It was always so quiet! So, huge change but everyone is excited and my DD18 is getting to know her two cousins she had never met (16G and 18B) and that's gone very well. Bro-in-law and my sis love Tank and vice-versa but I knew they'd all get along, birds of a feather and all that. If there are guns/ranges and Harley's involved BIL and BF are going to be good buddies lol!

My brother is now saying he wants to come for a visit with his family. This is huge, he's never come here for a visit. My brother and I rarely talk. There's nothing wrong, we just grew apart over the years and he stayed close with my sister. I left home at 19 while those two stayed together and supported each other. In fact, my brother tends to follow my sister where ever she goes so we're now thinking he wants to come check out the area and we might be placing bets as to how long it will be before he moves his family here. I would get to reconnect with him after all these years. Fingers crossed!

All is well with Tank. I think he was a bit nervous about my family coming, didn't know what to expect kind of thing but seems to be feeling much better about it all. He and I are similar when it comes to meeting new people. We're both quiet until we get to know the person but when he met my family he was a complete jabber jaws lol! So that was awesome and I can't help but compare to how it would have gone with my exH. BF is so much friendlier and open whereas exH would have been complaining about something pulled out of thin air by day two.

Life is good!


----------



## Blondilocks

Not said:


> My fambam is all moved into my basement! I've got a house full now whereas before it was just me and my DD18 and she was only over every other week. It was always so quiet! So, huge change but everyone is excited and my DD18 is getting to know her two cousins she had never met (16G and 18B) and that's gone very well. Bro-in-law and my sis love Tank and vice-versa but I knew they'd all get along, birds of a feather and all that. If there are guns/ranges and Harley's involved BIL and BF are going to be good buddies lol!
> 
> My brother is now saying he wants to come for a visit with his family. This is huge, he's never come here for a visit. My brother and I rarely talk. There's nothing wrong, we just grew apart over the years and he stayed close with my sister. I left home at 19 while those two stayed together and supported each other. In fact, my brother tends to follow my sister where ever she goes so we're now thinking he wants to come check out the area and we might be placing bets as to how long it will be before he moves his family here. I would get to reconnect with him after all these years. Fingers crossed!
> 
> All is well with Tank. I think he was a bit nervous about my family coming, didn't know what to expect kind of thing but seems to be feeling much better about it all. He and I are similar when it comes to meeting new people. We're both quiet until we get to know the person but when he met my family he was a complete jabber jaws lol! So that was awesome and I can't help but compare to how it would have gone with my exH. BF is so much friendlier and open whereas exH would have been complaining about something pulled out of thin air by day two.
> 
> Life is good!


I'm so happy for you!


----------



## Sfort

TXTrini said:


> his idea of being a good husband was to take care of his financial responsibilities.


It's not?


----------



## TXTrini

Sfort said:


> It's not?


Not unless you're a golddigger or emotional cripple.


----------



## WandaJ

Hello singles of TAM! I’ve been away for a while, busy life, a little bit of dating. But now I put an offer for my own house, and it feels great. It will need a little renovation but me and my daughters are excited. Feels better than dating, lol. My ex has found house just few streets over, lol.
once we settled in our new house, we’ll start working on divorce papers.
but life feels sooo much better now..
Looking forward to reading about everybody’s dating adventures


----------



## Numb26

WandaJ said:


> Hello singles of TAM! I’ve been away for a while, busy life, a little bit of dating. But now I put an offer for my own house, and it feels great. It will need a little renovation but me and my daughters are excited. Feels better than dating, lol. My ex has found house just few streets over, lol.
> once we settled in our new house, we’ll start working on divorce papers.
> but life feels sooo much better now..
> Looking forward to reading about everybody’s dating adventures


I have been on a new sdventure the past couple of weeks. 🙂


----------



## TXTrini

Numb26 said:


> I have been on a new sdventure the past couple of weeks. 🙂


Do tell!


----------



## LisaDiane

WandaJ said:


> Hello singles of TAM! I’ve been away for a while, busy life, a little bit of dating. But now I put an offer for my own house, and it feels great. It will need a little renovation but me and my daughters are excited. Feels better than dating, lol. My ex has found house just few streets over, lol.
> once we settled in our new house, we’ll start working on divorce papers.
> but life feels sooo much better now..
> Looking forward to reading about everybody’s dating adventures


YAY!!!!! It's GREAT to see you again!!!!!! 💜


----------



## LisaDiane

TXTrini said:


> Yes. A close family member has been trying to keep my divorce quiet, like I did something wrong. I guess it would have been "better " to pretend everything was perfect and stay with a cheating spouse. Apparently bad things happen to me because I don't go to church. It's been very hurtful and stressful , so I've been keeping my distance and feeling rather isolated.


This is AWFUL, and you must know it's THEIR problem, NOT YOURS!!!!!!

And guess what...?? Most of the worst crap that happened to ME was while I was going to church...so that's why I don't go anymore!!!!! Lol! (Plus, it's SO BOOOOORING!!!!!!!)


----------



## WandaJ

Numb26 said:


> I have been on a new sdventure the past couple of weeks. 🙂


Come on, you can not leave at that!


----------



## Numb26

She is the first person I have really been interested in since the D. She doesn't seem to mind my ugly mug and can't keep her hands off my arms.  I haven't introduced her to the kids yet, way to early. She is 10 years younger then me but that's really not an issue.


----------



## TXTrini

LisaDiane said:


> This is AWFUL, and you must know it's THEIR problem, NOT YOURS!!!!!!
> 
> And guess what...?? Most of the worst crap that happened to ME was while I was going to church...so that's why I don't go anymore!!!!! Lol! (Plus, it's SO BOOOOORING!!!!!!!)


Eh, I realized a long time ago, I have to deal with the fallout of my actions whether it pleases others or not so I might as well please myself. Unfortunately, it still hurts, b/c this is my closest family I'm talking about, not strangers who I don't GAFF about. Why can't people just mind their own damned business and keep their traps shut?
😬
Oh, a good way to head off BS, especially from pushy people is to ask them questions about their crap, and home in on the topics that make them squirm.


----------



## TXTrini

Numb26 said:


> She is the first person I have really been interested in since the D. She doesn't seem to mind my ugly mug and can't keep her hands off my arms.  I haven't introduced her to the kids yet, way to early. She is 10 years younger then me but that's really not an issue.


Nice! I hope it goes well, keep us posted!

I went out with a guy 5 yrs younger and felt icky, I dunno how you guys do it!


----------



## Numb26

TXTrini said:


> Nice! I hope it goes well, keep us posted!
> 
> I went out with a guy 5 yrs younger and felt icky, I dunno how you guys do it!


I think past a certain age it doesn't matter as much. 50s/40s isn't as noticeable as 30s/20s


----------



## Lila

Numb26 said:


> She is the first person I have really been interested in since the D. She doesn't seem to mind my ugly mug and can't keep her hands off my arms.  I haven't introduced her to the kids yet, way to early. She is 10 years younger then me but that's really not an issue.


Yeay!!!!! This is great news. 

I know your situation is a bit more difficult because you have sole custody of your kiddos but resist the urge to introduce her to the kids. Give it a minimum of 6 months. 

And you probably already know this but I'm going to repeat it. Unless you are open to having more kids, take responsibility for the birth control. She's probably still fertile. 

Sending you happy vibes.


----------



## Numb26

Lila said:


> Yeay!!!!! This is great news.
> 
> I know your situation is a bit more difficult because you have sole custody of your kiddos but resist the urge to introduce her to the kids. Give it a minimum of 6 months.
> 
> And you probably already know this but I'm going to repeat it. Unless you are open to having more kids, take responsibility for the birth control. She's probably still fertile.
> 
> Sending you happy vibes.


I am definitely waiting on the kid introduction for a long while. Though my oldest figured out that I am seeing someone. Haha

I took care of not having anymore kids after the birth of my youngest, if you know what I mean.


----------



## WandaJ

Numb26 said:


> She is the first person I have really been interested in since the D. She doesn't seem to mind my ugly mug and can't keep her hands off my arms.  I haven't introduced her to the kids yet, way to early. She is 10 years younger then me but that's really not an issue.


Good luck! At our age age doesn’t matter that much anymore. Enjoy and have fun


----------



## WandaJ

TXTrini said:


> Nice! I hope it goes well, keep us posted!
> 
> I went out with a guy 5 yrs younger and felt icky, I dunno how you guys do it!


Maybe it was a guy not his age? I went out with someone eight years younger and never even thought about age difference


----------



## WandaJ

One thing I realize about dating now how hard logistically it can be, when both of you have to find time between work and kids. There is always something coming up, lol.


----------



## Lila

Numb26 said:


> I am definitely waiting on the kid introduction for a long while. Though my oldest figured out that I am seeing someone. Haha
> 
> *I took care of not having anymore kids after the birth of my youngest, if you know what I mean. *


You can stay in the enneagram 6 club. 😜


----------



## TXTrini

WandaJ said:


> Maybe it was a guy not his age? I went out with someone eight years younger and never even thought about age difference


I dunno. I was about 8 months older than my ex and it bothered me everytime I turned a year older  . Maybe it's just a me thing. On an interesting note, my bf insisted on taking me to the urgent care today. My old doctor from out of town attended me, it was a happy reunion. She thought he was very smart and I looked great  (she thought my ex was NPD).


----------



## lifeistooshort

I never cared for younger guys....i have a hard time seeing them as my equal.

Of course my 19 years older ex never saw me as an equal.

I've come to think 10 years is about the limit of a reasonable age difference. My bf is just under 9 years older and I don't feel like he looks down on me. In fact he frequently asks for my opinion.


----------



## ccpowerslave

TXTrini said:


> I dunno. I was about 8 months older than my ex and it bothered me everytime I turned a year older  . Maybe it's just a me thing. On an interesting note, my bf insisted on taking me to the urgent care today. My old doctor from out of town attended me, it was a happy reunion. She thought he was very smart and I looked great  (she thought my ex was NPD).


For your dizzy spell? Did the doc have anything helpful to say or did they just refer you?


----------



## TXTrini

ccpowerslave said:


> For your dizzy spell? Did the doc have anything helpful to say or did they just refer you?


It turned out to be my previous doc of 8 years, so she knew me. Yeah, I have an inflamed eardrum and my shoulder is still pretty ****ed up. I got a steroid butt shot and some vertigo meds to take as needed. I still have an appointment with my PCP next Friday for routine stuff and another massage booked next Thursday.

It's time to handle my crap and move into the future healed and positive, I have many things to be thankful for under the avalanche of crap that's been raining down on me the last few years. 

What's the point of living in the misery of the past and wasting any more precious time, eh? Cheers to all my phoenixes rising! It's wonderful to move forward with you all, your courage inspires me to keep on keeping on.


----------



## Laurentium

It's the spring! But I don't feel as if I have enough free _time_ for dating. Like, if I meet someone, how many hours a week is the relationship going to need? I struggle to fit in an hour's phone call with my children (who are in their 30s) every couple of weeks.


----------



## Blondilocks

Laurentium said:


> It's the spring! But I don't feel as if I have enough free _time_ for dating. Like, if I meet someone, how many hours a week is the relationship going to need? I struggle to fit in an hour's phone call with my children (who are in their 30s) every couple of weeks.


You're retired. What is keeping you so busy?


----------



## In Absentia

Deleted my rant...


----------



## WandaJ

Laurentium said:


> It's the spring! But I don't feel as if I have enough free _time_ for dating. Like, if I meet someone, how many hours a week is the relationship going to need? I struggle to fit in an hour's phone call with my children (who are in their 30s) every couple of weeks.


Yeah, that’s my problem now, with selling house, buying house, planning remodeling, all on top of regular work. I am taking break from dating drama for now, need to focus on starting new chapter. Unless, of course, someone interesting comes along, lol


----------



## Blondilocks

In Absentia said:


> Deleted my rant...


Too late. When do you think you will be able to travel? Has Italy gotten a handle on Covid?


----------



## Hopeful Cynic

Laurentium said:


> It's the spring! But I don't feel as if I have enough free _time_ for dating. Like, if I meet someone, how many hours a week is the relationship going to need? I struggle to fit in an hour's phone call with my children (who are in their 30s) every couple of weeks.


That's my dilemma too! I've built myself such a full, rich, busy life as a single parent, I don't know how anyone I try to date isn't going to consider me too "unavailable." I want to find someone worth fitting into my life, but tolerant of the scheduling difficulties at the getting-to-know-you stage.


----------



## WandaJ

Hopeful Cynic said:


> That's my dilemma too! I've built myself such a full, rich, busy life as a single parent, I don't know how anyone I try to date isn't going to consider me too "unavailable." I want to find someone worth fitting into my life, but tolerant of the scheduling difficulties at the getting-to-know-you stage.


I have to say I run into this problem of single dads. Took us three weeks of rescheduling on both sides before we finally met, lol


----------



## Laurentium

Blondilocks said:


> You're retired. What is keeping you so busy?


I'm only semi retired. I don't really need to work, but I work about half time. Then there's running, and religious activities. I've just been to the gym...


----------



## In Absentia

Blondilocks said:


> Too late. When do you think you will be able to travel? Has Italy gotten a handle on Covid?


lol... I thought nobody would be interested in my self-made torture/odyssey any more... it is quite boring. I have no idea when I will be able to travel again. Maybe after the summer. I need some time off from this environment and I need sun and heat. Vaccinations are very slow in Italy, but I'm sure that by the summer the infection rate will be down. The country hasn't been in a strict lockdown for some time now... maybe they should have...  Thank you for reading and asking...


----------



## TXTrini

WandaJ said:


> I have to say I run into this problem of single dads. Took us three weeks of rescheduling on both sides before we finally met, lol


Ugh, yes. Before my bf, I went out with another single dad a couple of times. His kid was young, so even though my schedule is more flexible (no kids), he didn't have as much time as I'd have liked.

My bf (before recent developments) and I saw each other every other weekend, sometimes once during the week on off weekends. We've been spending every weekend together this past month, but man, it was ROUGH when we had to miss our weekends, or during his son's summer break when we basically took a month off. 

I don't envy you having to match schedules with single dads. How old are your kids?


----------



## LisaDiane

Laurentium said:


> I'm only semi retired. I don't really need to work, but I work about half time. Then there's running, and religious activities. I've just been to the gym...


You are a counselor, yes? I would think that would be too rewarding to ever completely give up!!!


----------



## WandaJ

TXTrini said:


> Ugh, yes. Before my bf, I went out with another single dad a couple of times. His kid was young, so even though my schedule is more flexible (no kids), he didn't have as much time as I'd have liked.
> 
> My bf (before recent developments) and I saw each other every other weekend, sometimes once during the week on off weekends. We've been spending every weekend together this past month, but man, it was ROUGH when we had to miss our weekends, or during his son's summer break when we basically took a month off.
> 
> I don't envy you having to match schedules with single dads. How old are your kids?


My kids are 13 and 16, and pretty independent. I am trying to avoid guys with younger kids, lol


----------



## TXTrini

WandaJ said:


> My kids are 13 and 16, and pretty independent. I am trying to avoid guys with younger kids, lol


I definitely advise you to, especially if you want to get lots of nookie


----------



## WandaJ

TXTrini said:


> I definitely advise you to, especially if you want to get lots of nookie


At this point maybe it would be for best, 😜


----------



## Blondilocks

LisaDiane said:


> You are a counselor, yes? I would think that would be too rewarding to ever completely give up!!!


The day Dr. Phil defended his dissertation, he walked out to the car where Robin was waiting and told her he didn't want to be a therapist as he didn't want to listen to people whine all day. lol Maybe, he should have thought of that before he earned his Ph.D. in psychology. He was a therapist for a while, though.


----------



## lifeistooshort

TXTrini said:


> Ugh, yes. Before my bf, I went out with another single dad a couple of times. His kid was young, so even though my schedule is more flexible (no kids), he didn't have as much time as I'd have liked.
> 
> My bf (before recent developments) and I saw each other every other weekend, sometimes once during the week on off weekends. We've been spending every weekend together this past month, but man, it was ROUGH when we had to miss our weekends, or during his son's summer break when we basically took a month off.
> 
> I don't envy you having to match schedules with single dads. How old are your kids?


That's why I won't deal with dads that have kids young enough to need supervision or get in the way of us doing stuff.

At 47 I prefer men my age to 10 years older so if said man decided to knock out kids later that's his problem.

Older kids are fine.

My bf has no kids and mine are grown and although they still live with me they do their own thing. Unless there's a specific event they have zero impact on anything we want to do.


----------



## Numb26

TXTrini said:


> I definitely advise you to, especially if you want to get lots of nookie


Funny, that's not a problem with this single dad with young kids. Hahaha


----------



## tripad

Hi I am back to this thread after an estimated 5-6 years . I wonder if anyone familiar is still around ? I was busy working , no dates . Recently , go onto date sites n manage to get two so call dates , but it didn’t feel like a date .


----------



## tripad

Just to get opinions . My 2nd date is probably someone I may be interested in . It goes like this . A date was planned and in the morning , he texted me calling my name n I replied with a question mark which to me means , what’s up ? He went into multiple texts claiming I was rude n disrespectful with the use of question mark . I was shocked n didn’t reply . After 1 h , he texted to ask if I was offended and I gave him a long text about how rude that was . He apologied n claimed that the date has to be cancelled as his meeting was shifted n I said no problem . I think he may be abusive n I didn’t text him for 2-3 days . After that , he texted to apologize again n I gave him a text about how rude he was when we were just mere strangers . A few days later he texted hello again n I decide to give it another try .


This is part A


----------



## OnTheFly

tripad said:


> A few days later he texted hello again n I decide to give it another try .


Speaking on the phone will reduce miscommunications greatly.


----------



## TXTrini

tripad said:


> Hi I am back to this thread after an estimated 5-6 years . I wonder if anyone familiar is still around ? I was busy working , no dates . Recently , go onto date sites n manage to get two so call dates , but it didn’t feel like a date .


Welcome back! 


tripad said:


> Just to get opinions . My 2nd date is probably someone I may be interested in . It goes like this . A date was planned and in the morning , he texted me calling my name n I replied with a question mark which to me means , what’s up ? He went into multiple texts claiming I was rude n disrespectful with the use of question mark . I was shocked n didn’t reply . After 1 h , he texted to ask if I was offended and I gave him a long text about how rude that was . He apologied n claimed that the date has to be cancelled as his meeting was shifted n I said no problem . I think he may be abusive n I didn’t text him for 2-3 days . After that , he texted to apologize again n I gave him a text about how rude he was when we were just mere strangers . A few days later he texted hello again n I decide to give it another try .
> 
> 
> This is part A


That sounds weird, which county are you from? I don't recognize the flag, maybe its cultural? I have no idea why someone would wig out to a "?" at the end of Whats up. That's such a stupid, petty thing to get butthurt about!

You've got more patience than me, I'd have blocked him after the first abusive text after that overreaction.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

tripad said:


> Hi I am back to this thread after an estimated 5-6 years . I wonder if anyone familiar is still around ? I was busy working , no dates . Recently , go onto date sites n manage to get two so call dates , but it didn’t feel like a date .


Welcome back!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Sfort

TXTrini said:


> What's the point of living in the misery of the past and wasting any more precious time?


Well said! I'm stealing it.


----------



## Sfort

OnTheFly said:


> Speaking on the phone will reduce miscommunications greatly.


Especially if she texts with the "text speak" she using here. What is with all of the n's in the post?


----------



## Openminded

Sfort said:


> Especially if she texts with the "text speak" she using here. What is with all of the n's in the post?


Yeah. IIRC that’s the way she always posts.


----------



## Blondilocks

TXTrini said:


> Welcome back!
> 
> That sounds weird, which county are you from? I don't recognize the flag, maybe its cultural? I have no idea why someone would wig out to a "?" at the end of Whats up. That's such a stupid, petty thing to get butthurt about!
> 
> You've got more patience than me, I'd have blocked him after the first abusive text after that overreaction.


She didn't type "What's Up". She only typed the '?' mark. For all he knew she could have been asking "Who are you?".


----------



## TXTrini

Blondilocks said:


> She didn't type "What's Up". She only typed the '?' mark. For all he knew she could have been asking "Who are you?".


My bad. Then I would have blocked her, instead of hurling abuse 
That's lazy AF.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Any guy that reacts like that is a hard pass. Next!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## tripad

TXTrini said:


> Welcome back!
> 
> That sounds weird, which county are you from? I don't recognize the flag, maybe its cultural? I have no idea why someone would wig out to a "?" at the end of Whats up. That's such a stupid, petty thing to get butthurt about!
> 
> You've got more patience than me, I'd have blocked him after the first abusive text after that overreaction.


I don't think it's a cultural thing . Singapore is a modern world .


----------



## tripad

Sfort said:


> Especially if she texts with the "text speak" she using here. What is with all of the n's in the post?


"n" is short form for "and" . I used it all the time for work n friends . never had an issue . There are a lot of other like ttyl , idk , etc


----------



## tripad

Openminded said:


> Yeah. IIRC that’s the way she always posts.


Do you remember me from long ago ? Hiii ....


----------



## tripad

Blondilocks said:


> She didn't type "What's Up". She only typed the '?' mark. For all he knew she could have been asking "Who are you?".


No , he knows that I know who I am talking to as we proceeded to reschedule our date .


----------



## tripad

TXTrini said:


> My bad. Then I would have blocked her, instead of hurling abuse
> That's lazy AF.


There you go .

See . The double standard that you exercise . Assuming you are a man as I don't know your gender .

I don't know what is the meaning of AF too and I check it up . N Ouch ! OMG ! N you get offended over a ? I used . I really can't comprehend .


----------



## Openminded

tripad said:


> Do you remember me from long ago ? Hiii ....


Yep.

Hope all is well.


----------



## tripad

3Xnocharm said:


> Any guy that reacts like that is a hard pass. Next!
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Thanks 3xnocharm I remember you , feministinpink n the guy with the cat pic .

Anyway , ladies n guys , hear this .

I have not dated or communicated with a man on a date basis for the past 6-7 years . N during my marriage , things didn't go well so there is not much practice with love talk or messages . Hence , when I am texting with these potential dates , I find myself stunned (literally) as to how to reply to show that I would like to find out more about you and get a boyfriend but I don't want to have sex with you right away . I am not sure if I may have sounded uninterested or have I genuinely screen off those who are after the sex only . So when I post here , I am trying to rectify my communication issue so I can progress so I welcome genuine feedback for me to improve myself so I can find a boyfriend now that i have invested 6-7 years and my children are older . It is not an attack on men .


----------



## tripad

Openminded said:


> Yep.
> 
> Hope all is well.


I must go back n read up to recall who you are .

Thanks for remembering me !!!!

All is well for work and my children and life has picked up and stabilised . Just that it is tough to be all alone , no one to share the joy or the sadness .


----------



## tripad

Openminded said:


> Yep.
> 
> Hope all is well.


hey , are you the one with the cat pic last time ? No that’s randomdude , I just checked


----------



## TXTrini

tripad said:


> There you go .
> 
> See . The double standard that you exercise . Assuming you are a man as I don't know your gender .
> 
> I don't know what is the meaning of AF too and I check it up . N Ouch ! OMG ! N you get offended over a ? I used . I really can't comprehend .


What double standard? I'm an equal opportunity blocker of people of either one of the two/zillion genders. If you meant, my use of AF to emphasize how absolutely annoying I find "text speak", it's a major pet peeve of mine and I find it difficult to take grown folk who speak like that seriously. 

Replying to a question with a question mark is lazy and conveys a dismissive attitude (my opinion! other people are welcome to think what they like). IMO, if you can't be bothered to reply properly, why should anyone bother to communicate further. 

Anyway, good to see you moving on with your life. Good luck.


----------



## tripad

TXTrini said:


> What double standard? I'm an equal opportunity blocker of people of either one of the two/zillion genders. If you meant, my use of AF to emphasize how absolutely annoying I find "text speak", it's a major pet peeve of mine and I find it difficult to take grown folk who speak like that seriously.
> 
> Replying to a question with a question mark is lazy and conveys a dismissive attitude (my opinion! other people are welcome to think what they like). IMO, if you can't be bothered to reply properly, why should anyone bother to communicate further.
> 
> Anyway, good to see you moving on with your life. Good luck.


That is the thing . Why are you so angry ? Just like him . I actually told him that he could have told me not to do that if he is particular about it and I would do it for him and there is no need to be rude and blast me for it . All of us have our own different ways of speaking or texting and there is really no need to get so upset about . If you can get so upset over a question mark , what more worst will I get if the relationship has other issues .


----------



## tripad

I just sense anger issues .


----------



## tripad

During subsequent texts , he said that his ex cheated , so he thinks all women are “****ing *****es”. Ouch ! Later he adjusted the statement to exclude me since I made clear sex is not on the table for dates . Is this kinda opinion a red flag ?


----------



## jlg07

So yes I would say this is a red flag -- he's going to hit YOU with all of the baggage his cheater ex dumped on him with cheating.

In GENERAL for texting with potential dates, how about trying to just use FULL sentences and none of the short-hand stuff? That will help eliminate any misunderstandings (and sometimes even THAT doesn't work since it's hard to nuance communications with JUST text -- no voice or body language clues).
I DO NOT date (married for over 30 years), but from reading on this board, MANY of the online folks are really looking for a hookup.

Be honest with the guys you are talking with and tell them that sex is OFF the table until there are real feelings after you've gotten to know them if that is what you want to do. It will help weed out the guys looking for quick sex.
Best of luck with trying to find a new person to spend time with!


----------



## tripad

jlg07 said:


> So yes I would say this is a red flag -- he's going to hit YOU with all of the baggage his cheater ex dumped on him with cheating.
> 
> In GENERAL for texting with potential dates, how about trying to just use FULL sentences and none of the short-hand stuff? That will help eliminate any misunderstandings (and sometimes even THAT doesn't work since it's hard to nuance communications with JUST text -- no voice or body language clues).
> I DO NOT date (married for over 30 years), but from reading on this board, MANY of the online folks are really looking for a hookup.
> 
> Be honest with the guys you are talking with and tell them that sex is OFF the table until there are real feelings after you've gotten to know them if that is what you want to do. It will help weed out the guys looking for quick sex.
> Best of luck with trying to find a new person to spend time with!


Yes , I can feel him hitting me with the baggage already , just after those few texts and one date. He will randomly become melancholic and advise me to stay single so I wont get hurt , how there are many *****es and asses out there , and ghost me after . Then , he will come back and try to reach out and text me little details of his life like I am his long time girlfriend . It is like a roller coaster ride even while I am not invested in him yet . I feel sad for him , he is a victim too .

Yes I am trying to improve my texting skills with full sentences now ,  like I am in school again . I even check my spelling and grammar .

Yes , I usually just make clear that sex is off the table till we get to know each other well and are considering a long term relationship . It does weed out very quickly . It gets tiring and cause me to be disillusioned with mankind many times . I just move on and comfort myself that at least I didn't become a slab of meat for someone .


----------



## tripad

jlg07 said:


> So yes I would say this is a red flag -- he's going to hit YOU with all of the baggage his cheater ex dumped on him with cheating.
> 
> In GENERAL for texting with potential dates, how about trying to just use FULL sentences and none of the short-hand stuff? That will help eliminate any misunderstandings (and sometimes even THAT doesn't work since it's hard to nuance communications with JUST text -- no voice or body language clues).
> I DO NOT date (married for over 30 years), but from reading on this board, MANY of the online folks are really looking for a hookup.
> 
> Be honest with the guys you are talking with and tell them that sex is OFF the table until there are real feelings after you've gotten to know them if that is what you want to do. It will help weed out the guys looking for quick sex.
> Best of luck with trying to find a new person to spend time with!


Yes , I can feel him hitting me with the baggage already , just after those few texts and one date. He will randomly become melancholic and advise me to stay single so I wont get hurt , how there are many *****es and asses out there , and ghost me after . Then , he will come back and try to reach out and text me little details of his life like I am his long time girlfriend . It is like a roller coaster ride even while I am not invested in him yet . I feel sad for him , he is a victim too .

Yes I am trying to improve my texting skills with full sentences now ,  like I am in school again . I even check my spelling and grammar .

Yes , I usually just make clear that sex is off the table till we get to know each other well and are considering a long term relationship . It does weed out very quickly . It gets tiring and cause me to be disillusioned with mankind many times . I just move on and comfort myself that at least I didn't become a slab of meat for someone .


----------



## WandaJ

tripad said:


> That is the thing . Why are you so angry ? Just like him . I actually told him that he could have told me not to do that if he is particular about it and I would do it for him and there is no need to be rude and blast me for it . All of us have our own different ways of speaking or texting and there is really no need to get so upset about . If you can get so upset over a question mark , what more worst will I get if the relationship has other issues .


She is not angry, just doesn’t appreciate to be called on something that’s not true. 
i agree that replying with question mark is not the best response, especially when you do not know each other yet. Proper communication will help avoid a lot of unnecessary drama. 
the guy could have handle it better too. I would not talk to him anymore, I am done with empty drama in my life.


----------



## ConanHub

tripad said:


> There you go .
> 
> See . The double standard that you exercise . Assuming you are a man as I don't know your gender .
> 
> I don't know what is the meaning of AF too and I check it up . N Ouch ! OMG ! N you get offended over a ? I used . I really can't comprehend .


She's a girl person.


----------



## notmyjamie

Haven't been to this thread in a while...I don't know why I lose track of it so much. Things are good here, for the most part. Everything can't be perfect and I am no exception. But the good stuff is really good. Was able to surprise my 19yo with a car this week...that was SO freaking fun. She is away at college and the only place she could get a job after an entire semester of looking, plus some, was an hour walk away, 15 minute drive away. Told her I was coming to drop off some new shampoo and conditioner to try as I loved it. She asked my youngest to bring her bike so she could at least use that to get to work. So when youngest apologized for forgetting the bike, she said "that's okay, I'll figure something out" so youngest said "but, I did bring something else" and then used the remote key to unlock the car. SO fun for all of us!!!! It's a Toyota Corolla 2007, nothing fancy but she is SO excited. 

BF and I are doing well. Things are changing quite a bit for us though...his 23yo just moved back home from another state and now lives across the hall. It feels more like she lives with us though because unless she's sleeping, she's in his apartment. Private time has been hard to come by...no pun intended!!! So far she's not taking "we're so tired" hints very well. LOL It's only been a couple weeks and I know once she gets some friends and starts working more it will lesson up in time. He's very excited to have her home so I am happy for him about that. And something about hanging out with her so much as if we all live together just makes our relationship has changed to something a lot more serious. He looked at me the other day in a rare moment alone and said "I'm going to make an honest woman of you one day, you know that, right?" and he was dead serious. Right now both our divorce settlements make it very hard to remarry but I think if they didn't he'd want to get married soon. A few weeks ago he casually mentioned "when we are able to combine our finances, such and such will be much easier" and I FREAKED out on him. I feel really bad but I almost had a full on panic attack. I'm not out of the hole from the debt my ex put me into nor am I completely disentangled from him yet. I am not sure I'll ever want to combine my money with someone else's again. Thankfully he took it well and understood completely. He did explain that I am much better at personal financing than he is so he really meant " when I give you my check and you do our budget" which isn't quite as scary to me but I still don't want to ever have to explain a purchase I've made, ever again. He also said if we never did it, he'd be okay as long as I'm okay and we are together. 

But, on the up side, we are travelling to Florida this coming weekend for his Dad's birthday!!! I'm ready for some family, fun and sun!! We always have such a great time when we travel. Should be a great weekend.

Hope everyone else is okay. Glad to see some dating is happening and things are going well for so many!!


----------



## LisaDiane

ConanHub said:


> She's a girl person.


And totally awesome!!!!!!


----------



## lifeistooshort

Ah....the old "all women are *****es except the ones who might sleep with me. Until they won't and then of course they're *****es too".

Nope....pass.


----------



## TXTrini

LisaDiane said:


> And totally awesome!!!!!!


Aww Shucks. 

I've been working on becoming more assertive, sometimes the asshole gets the best of me. 

@tripad 

I started dating in late 2019/early 2020 for the first time after my marriage ended (ex cheated). I talked to quite a few men, a few I went out with, until I met my bf of 15 months. 

There are some hurt, angry people out there, of course, but there are many decent ones too. It would suck to have the right person swipe left on you because of poor communication. Text is already so easy for intent and meaning to get "lost in translation " .

Heck, I'm still learning! This weekend, my bf confesses he was hurt that I came across like I was pulling back, bc of the tone of my texts when I'm preoccupied. Good luck dating!


----------



## ConanHub

lifeistooshort said:


> Ah....the old "all women are *****es except the ones who might sleep with me. Until they won't and then of course they're *****es too".
> 
> Nope....pass.


I'm genuinely curious about how many guys like that there are.

Not that it is any woman's responsibility to take care of these dudes because that is insanity, and I think a lot of these guys are borderline, but I'm on the outside looking in often.

I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be bitter if I struggled with women but I never have in the way these guys do so I might have a blind spot.


----------



## ccpowerslave

ConanHub said:


> I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be bitter if I struggled with women but I never have in the way these guys do so I might have a blind spot.


I don’t have any friends who carry on with a bitter attitude because who’d want to be friends with them? Guys probably don’t want to be around them either.


----------



## tripad

Do guys texts such mushy sentimental stuff even before first meet ? How best to reply ?
Example
1) I am thankful that you are talking to me when you could be anywhere else in the world .
2) I am going to bed now
3) Why aren't you texting me more ? ( It has been quite a few text throughout the day already )
4) The ones that send poems are probably scam calls .


I didn't reply well to these , guess I may be emotionally stunted after the bad marriage and divorce


----------



## Hopeful Cynic

tripad said:


> Do guys texts such mushy sentimental stuff even before first meet ? How best to reply ?
> Example





tripad said:


> 1) I am thankful that you are talking to me when you could be anywhere else in the world .


This guy comes across desperate or with very little self-esteem. He hasn't even met you yet?



tripad said:


> 2) I am going to bed now


You consider this mushy and sentimental? To me that's just a polite way to end the conversation.



tripad said:


> 3) Why aren't you texting me more ? ( It has been quite a few text throughout the day already )


Again, this is crossing into needy territory. I'd just answer that this is a normal amount of texting for me, and that if it doesn't suit him, he should keep dating elsewhere.



tripad said:


> 4) The ones that send poems are probably scam calls .


Agreed. Especially early on in the getting to know you stage. Unless maybe he's establishing that he's a published poet and you can independently verify that. Heck, google the poetry and see where it's ripped off from.



tripad said:


> I didn't reply well to these , guess I may be emotionally stunted after the bad marriage and divorce


I don't think most of those are easy to respond to. Some people just aren't good at texting. I'm not. I prefer to have in person conversations. Texting just serves to coordinate those. I can get into long emails though. Maybe it's a product of my age (gulp).


----------



## WandaJ

tripad said:


> Do guys texts such mushy sentimental stuff even before first meet ? How best to reply ?
> Example
> 1) I am thankful that you are talking to me when you could be anywhere else in the world .
> 2) I am going to bed now
> 3) Why aren't you texting me more ? ( It has been quite a few text throughout the day already )
> 4) The ones that send poems are probably scam calls .
> 
> 
> I didn't reply well to these , guess I may be emotionally stunted after the bad marriage and divorce


I agree with @Hopeful Cynic analysis. The one about going to bed is informative, while the rest is clingy, and on the long run would probably become suffocsting.


----------



## TXTrini

I agree with Hopeful Cynic's assessment. There are LOTS of eager beavers out there, who see something they like and want to impress the object of their attraction. I've had guys message me with everything from marriage proposals to DISGUSTING propositions for first messages. 

I completely ignored those messages, blocked and moved on, so I don't blame you for being hesitant to reply, you are not emotionally stunted. Either some of these dudes are real thirsty or you are very attractive and melted their brains  



tripad said:


> 1) I am thankful that you are talking to me when you could be anywhere else in the world .


Total ladyboner killer. Next.


tripad said:


> 2) I am going to bed now


How sweet, a nice way to end a conversation, like HC mentioned.


tripad said:


> 3) Why aren't you texting me more ? ( It has been quite a few text throughout the day already )


The dingleberry you NEED to flush NOW. Nexxxxxxxxxt!


tripad said:


> 4) The ones that send poems are probably scam calls .


Poems?  Wot?!


----------



## 3Xnocharm

tripad said:


> Do guys texts such mushy sentimental stuff even before first meet ? How best to reply ?


Not normal ones that you’d actually want to be with. I hate to admit but if they go over the top or try sex talk before we’ve even met, I ghost and block. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## tripad

Hopeful Cynic said:


> This guy comes across desperate or with very little self-esteem. He hasn't even met you yet?


We have not met yet



Hopeful Cynic said:


> You consider this mushy and sentimental? To me that's just a polite way to end the conversation.


we were not having any conversation . He texted at night out of the blue just to inform me he is going to bed . I only get that from my children so far - 



Hopeful Cynic said:


> I don't think most of those are easy to respond to. Some people just aren't good at texting.


Thank goodness . I seriously thought that I have communication issues after not having talk to a men other than for work purposes for 7 years . I literally , really literally , flinched after each difficult text wondering how I should reply best .


----------



## tripad

TXTrini said:


> I completely ignored those messages, blocked and moved on, so I don't blame you for being hesitant to reply, you are not emotionally stunted. Either some of these dudes are real thirsty or you are very attractive and melted their brains


Glad to hear that women out there find the same text difficult as well and I am not emotionally stunted . I am breathing a sigh of relief so loud .


----------



## TXTrini

tripad said:


> we were not having any conversation . He texted at night out of the blue just to inform me he is going to bed . I only get that from my children so far -


This is hilarious. Definitely no bueno (not good) if he reminds you of your kid. I'd not want to hit that.


tripad said:


> Thank goodness . I seriously thought that I have communication issues after not having talk to a men other than for work purposes for 7 years . I literally , really literally , flinched after each difficult text wondering how I should reply best .


Nah. Just remember, many men will simply not be compatible with you, and that's ok. The point of dating is to weed out the ones you fit best with in every way. The right person will meet you halfway, you both won't be contorted to fit or impress each other.



tripad said:


> Glad to hear that women out there find the same text difficult as well and I am not emotionally stunted . I am breathing a sigh of relief so loud .


How old are you? I'm trying to judge if the type of texts you're getting is a generational thing. I was 40 when I started dating, looking to date 40-50, though the age range of the men I communicated with ranged from 18-80 (I'm assuming based on looks, b/c some of those mofos were terrible liars  )


----------



## lifeistooshort

ConanHub said:


> I'm genuinely curious about how many guys like that there are.
> 
> Not that it is any woman's responsibility to take care of these dudes because that is insanity, and I think a lot of these guys are borderline, but I'm on the outside looking in often.
> 
> I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be bitter if I struggled with women but I never have in the way these guys do so I might have a blind spot.


I think there is a subset of men who aren't good catches but have an entitlement mentality who think like this.

I imagine it's frustrating for them because they want a woman in their life but they either don't have the tools to become a desirable guy or they've had bad experiences with women and are walking around with a victim mentality.

Women have their own issues.


----------



## ConanHub

lifeistooshort said:


> I think there is a subset of men who aren't good catches but have an entitlement mentality who think like this.
> 
> I imagine it's frustrating for them because they want a woman in their life but they either don't have the tools to become a desirable guy or they've had bad experiences with women and are walking around with a victim mentality.
> 
> Women have their own issues.


So match them up with some of the entitled ladies on Tiktok and watch the fireworks.😁


----------



## lifeistooshort

ConanHub said:


> So match them up with some of the entitled ladies on Tiktok and watch the fireworks.😁


That would work except I'm not sure they're looking for said ladies....they're entitled to ladies that don't want them.


----------



## ConanHub

lifeistooshort said:


> That would work except I'm not sure they're looking for said ladies....they're entitled to ladies that don't want them.


The entitled Tiktok ladies don't really want anyone anyway so it's a match made in heck. 😆


----------



## TXTrini

lifeistooshort said:


> I think there is a subset of men who aren't good catches but have an entitlement mentality who think like this.
> 
> I imagine it's frustrating for them because they want a woman in their life but they either don't have the tools to become a desirable guy or they've had bad experiences with women and are walking around with a victim mentality.
> 
> Women have their own issues.


Interesting how many of those sorts seem to think women over 40 are invisible or throw out the cat-lady taunt. 


lifeistooshort said:


> That would work except I'm not sure they're looking for said ladies....they're entitled to ladies that don't want them.


Guess they'll have to pony up $6K for sex robots or resign themselves to blue-balls.


----------



## WandaJ

lifeistooshort said:


> I think there is a subset of men who aren't good catches but have an entitlement mentality who think like this.
> 
> I imagine it's frustrating for them because they want a woman in their life but they either don't have the tools to become a desirable guy or they've had bad experiences with women and are walking around with a victim mentality.
> 
> Women have their own issues.


I think we have a share of these here on TAM. There is a lot of post generalizing what women do and think, supported by a dose of contempt


----------



## tripad

TXTrini said:


> How old are you? I'm trying to judge if the type of texts you're getting is a generational thing. I was 40 when I started dating, looking to date 40-50, though the age range of the men I communicated with ranged from 18-80 (I'm assuming based on looks, b/c some of those mofos were terrible liars  )


I am 52 though I look around 45 - 47 I was told , thanks to good genes . I only communicate with guys 45-55 years so I doubt there is a generation gap . I guess I don't play the field so I don't communicate well with people who inundate me with love messages even before we meet as I would be immediately be on my guard .


----------



## TXTrini

tripad said:


> I am 52 though I look around 45 - 47 I was told , thanks to good genes . I only communicate with guys 45-55 years so I doubt there is a generation gap . I guess I don't play the field so I don't communicate well with people who inundate me with love messages even before we meet as I would be immediately be on my guard .


You don't need to play the field if that's not your style. Personally, I hate multi-dating, suppose you end up liking all the dudes you went on first dates with, then what? Hunger Games to see who's left standing?

As soon as you feel uncomfortable, either block immediately or let them know then block if they persist. You already mentioned you're not in a hurry to have sex, so might as well take your time and ease into it. When you meet someone you feel comfortable with, you won't think twice about this.


----------



## tripad

TXTrini said:


> You already mentioned you're not in a hurry to have sex, so might as well take your time and ease into it. When you meet someone you feel comfortable with, you won't think twice about this.


I love sex . But I don’t want to do it with anyone for the sake of sex . Some mofo’s idea of getting to know you is to tell you his life story over a drink in 30 min and let’s have sex . 😳 One told me what makes me special if I have nothing to offer and there are many other women to swipe . Ouch !


----------



## TXTrini

tripad said:


> I love sex . But I don’t want to do it with anyone for the sake of sex . Some mofo’s idea of getting to know you is to tell you his life story over a drink in 30 min and let’s have sex . 😳 One told me what makes me special if I have nothing to offer and there are many other women to swipe . Ouch !


Understood. It's nothing more than mechanics at that point, no emotional connection to make it sizzle and entice you to want more.

I never understood why men like that don't just go hire an escort  It's a complete waste of time for both parties involved.

What a jackass. You should have asked him if he could answer his own question, there are also many other men to swipe. For all you know he could be a 2-pump-chump or bring a pencil to the table .


----------



## jlg07

tripad said:


> One told me what makes me special if I have nothing to offer


Holy crap -- I can't believe someone talks to another person they just met like that.
HE obviously has nothing special to offer. What an ass. I hope you just got up and left the table...


----------



## tripad

TXTrini said:


> I never understood why men like that don't just go hire an escort  It's a complete waste of time for both parties involved.


I just said the same thing to a friend .


----------



## tripad

jlg07 said:


> Holy crap -- I can't believe someone talks to another person they just met like that.


Exactly , I was taken aback . I smiled and told him I am special because some people just won’t get to have me . 
I deleted my online account . Gave up .


----------



## TXTrini

tripad said:


> Exactly , I was taken aback . I smiled and told him I am special because some people just won’t get to have me .
> I deleted my online account . Gave up .


What platform were you using? No need to delete your account and give up! Block, regroup and move on to a better quality man.


----------



## AVR1962

tripad said:


> I just sense anger issues .


My thought on a woman who has cheated on her husband, and I have plenty of lady friends who have, husband was not available to his wife. If a guy tells me his wife cheated usually I don't see the again. He can't see how he failed her and now he us going to blame every woman that comes into his life.


----------



## tripad

TXTrini said:


> What platform were you using? No need to delete your account and give up! Block, regroup and move on to a better quality man.


Thanks for the encouragement.

I use tinder . So far , I get scam texts or guys only interested in sex ,not relationships . Any better suggestions?


----------



## Numb26

TXTrini said:


> Understood. It's nothing more than mechanics at that point, no emotional connection to make it sizzle and entice you to want more.
> 
> I never understood why men like that don't just go hire an escort  It's a complete waste of time for both parties involved.
> 
> What a jackass. You should have asked him if he could answer his own question, there are also many other men to swipe. For all you know he could be a 2-pump-chump or bring a pencil to the table .


Ouch, pencil.....hahaha


----------



## Numb26

AVR1962 said:


> My thought on a woman who has cheated on her husband, and I have plenty of lady friends who have, husband was not available to his wife. If a guy tells me his wife cheated usually I don't see the again. He can't see how he failed her and now he us going to blame every woman that comes into his life.


So she cheats and it's his fault?


----------



## tripad

I disagree that the cheating party can blame on the other party for neglect . Perhaps counseling or divorce should be the option . Not cheating . 

My ex may have cheated , I didn’t bother to find out although I have a strong feeling he did . He was not feeding the family n he incurred debts which he begged me to pay . I didn’t cheat . N I don’t think I neglected him nor my children . He is just one lousy Asshole .


----------



## hubbyintrubby

Numb26 said:


> So she cheats and it's his fault?


This was my take-away also. It takes a very weak person to blame their cheating on their spouse.


----------



## AVR1962

Numb26 said:


> So she cheats and it's his fault?


No, she made the choice to cheat and he can not be blamed for her actions. She chose that path. However, a person has to look at why a partner cheats and there are various reasons why a partner will cheat. Men, typically, cheat for sex and it can be nothing more than that for them. Typically women cheat because they have been neglected by their husbands. Husband was not available to wife emotionally, perhaps even physically. He has been busy with work or his interests and is not taking time to nurture the relationship he has with his wife and it can lead to trouble.

I was a military dependent wife for many years. men sent on remote assignments and TDYs....talk about cheating and I saw it both ways. Men who were married would arrive to a new location and they were looking for the spots to pick up the women (not all for sure). You had the wives who were lonely when their husbands departed so they would have a "friendship."

There are also people who have a history. Many of my lady friends and men I have known who cheated also had a parent who cheated so they had that example given to them that gave them the clear for this behavior. Regardless of the reason, I generally do not continue to date a man once I know his wife cheated on him, or if he cheated on her.


----------



## jlg07

tripad said:


> Thanks for the encouragement.
> 
> I use tinder . So far , I get scam texts or guys only interested in sex ,not relationships . Any better suggestions?


SO from what I've heard, Tinder is really a hookup site -- for those who just want casual ONS type of sex.
There are LOTS of other sites out there -- others here can comment on the better sites.


----------



## tripad

jlg07 said:


> SO from what I've heard, Tinder is really a hookup site -- for those who just want casual ONS type of sex.
> There are LOTS of other sites out there -- others here can comment on the better sites.


😳


----------



## Elizabeth001

tripad said:


>


There you go again 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## tripad

Elizabeth001 said:


> There you go again
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


😂
Oops next time I must remember to add some words 

Couldn’t find words so that emoji shows my facial expressions


----------



## AVR1962

tripad said:


> I love sex . But I don’t want to do it with anyone for the sake of sex . Some mofo’s idea of getting to know you is to tell you his life story over a drink in 30 min and let’s have sex . 😳 One told me what makes me special if I have nothing to offer and there are many other women to swipe . Ouch !


I had a guy tell me that if you are not giving it there are plenty of other women who are and men will just go down their list of contacts til they find someone willing.


----------



## AVR1962

tripad said:


> Thanks for the encouragement.
> 
> I use tinder . So far , I get scam texts or guys only interested in sex ,not relationships . Any better suggestions?


I am a female, 58, divorced almost 5 years. I have been on several dating sites and in various groups, met all kinds of men and had lot of conversations. Tinder is insane....for one, it is know for hook-ups even though there is much more on there. Couples looking for someone to join them in the bedroom. I had several men tell me that they either had a girlfriend or were married but wanted a sexual partner....no thanks! I dated one man from Tinder and like you mentioned he wanted us to be instant even telling him I was looking for a relationship and took a bit to get to know someone before deciding I want to be intimate. he bought me $100 worth of steaks and left them at my door, took me to eat and drink. He would not stop pushing me even when I asked him for a little space. I finally stopped replying and he gave up. 

In my personal opinion eHarmony is dead and filled with a bunch of men who would have a very hard time finding a date, let alone a relationship. All the free sites, forget it! Who wants to be with a penniless man? Not meaning to step on any toes but I have received messages from men who cannot even spell. Match has been my best source from online dating but you really have to look and search, ask alot of questions, speak on the phone first. One time I did not speak to this man before meeting him, got there and his pictures were probably 20 years old. I did not recognize him. He knew who I was and flagged me to the table as soon as I stepped in the door. This was a man who was probably close to 70 years old, seriously!!!!! I was trying to plan my escape but there was no way to go to the bathroom and leave without him seeing it. I suffered thru that dinner with wine. I then promised myself that I would never do that again. If a man does not represent himself honestly with recent photos and we meet, I have made a vow to walk out after telling him I was leaving because he looks nothing like his photos. 

Just so you are aware too, there are men who put on profiles pretending to be women. I know that sounds bizarre but I went out on a date with this one guy that told me he had two profiles on Match, one as himself and the other as a female so he could see what men were saying to women. That creeped me out and I never saw him again.

I wish there were better ways to meet men but it is not easy nowadys. Watch for the red flags. There's alot of men looking for sex but being very manipulative in their words to try to make you believe differently. Just because a man finds you attractive does not mean he wants anything more than sex and it doesn't mean he is only seeing you, which if you have dated for any length of time, you already know. Actions speak louder than words.


----------



## In Absentia

man here, 57.... I think I'm pretty normal, so I will never go on a dating site now with a bunch of weirdos...


----------



## Elizabeth001

AVR1962 said:


> I had a guy tell me that if you are not giving it there are plenty of other women who are and men will just go down their list of contacts til they find someone willing.


And I tell men that if I was just looking for a f*ck, I can go down the list of phone numbers I already have...there’s no shortage. lol 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## TXTrini

tripad said:


> Thanks for the encouragement.
> 
> I use tinder . So far , I get scam texts or guys only interested in sex ,not relationships . Any better suggestions?


Oh course, love. I remember how terrified I was at the prospect of dating and the idea of being with another man. I had no freaking clue and actually googled how to date at 40 to get an idea of the current etiquette. 

I first heard Tinder labelled as a hookup app, the "bottomest" of the bottom feeders. I've heard people say it's for more than that, but the stigma is clear in my mind.

Have you tried others? I've heard good things about Bumble. I've used e-Harmony, ******* and Match.com and liked Match best of the 3, that's where I met my bf. Although OKCupud and Match shared some of the same people, strangely I found men behaved better on Match.

Most of the weirdos I met on *******, I went out with 3 dudes from there and bailed to Match. E-Harmony insisted on matching me with dudes who lived too far for me to consider (150 miles+), or I was not attracted to them. 

Now that you disclosed your app of choice, I fully support your decision to delete it. Definitely try other apps. Stick to the paid ones though, don't cheap out on this, you get exactly what you pay for.


----------



## TXTrini

Numb26 said:


> Ouch, pencil.....hahaha


Unfortunately, this is not just a joke. Man was a damned good kisser. Usually, I'm more sensitive in my descriptors, but this was the one who ghosted me, so it was a sore spot... or maybe not so sore. Hmmm


----------



## TXTrini

AVR1962 said:


> No, she made the choice to cheat and he can not be blamed for her actions. She chose that path. However, a person has to look at why a partner cheats and there are various reasons why a partner will cheat. Men, typically, cheat for sex and it can be nothing more than that for them. Typically women cheat because they have been neglected by their husbands. Husband was not available to wife emotionally, perhaps even physically. He has been busy with work or his interests and is not taking time to nurture the relationship he has with his wife and it can lead to trouble.
> 
> I was a military dependent wife for many years. men sent on remote assignments and TDYs....talk about cheating and I saw it both ways. Men who were married would arrive to a new location and they were looking for the spots to pick up the women (not all for sure). You had the wives who were lonely when their husbands departed so they would have a "friendship."
> 
> There are also people who have a history. Many of my lady friends and men I have known who cheated also had a parent who cheated so they had that example given to them that gave them the clear for this behavior. Regardless of the reason, I generally do not continue to date a man once I know his wife cheated on him, or if he cheated on her.


Regardless of why a cheater cheats, they still chose to reap the benefits of marriage while pursuing their selfish desires instead of having the courage to end one relationship, before moving on. That is a character/morality defect, don't mistake me, I am not absolving the BS from their flaws or contribution to a failed marriage, but that is a completely separate issue.

I don't understand what you deem BS unworthy to date, men who have not been cheated on (that they know) aren't any less flawed, so your logic here is faulty. If you say, you don't want to deal with the baggage a BS has, that's more honest, but everyone has some kind of baggage, including you.


----------



## Numb26

TXTrini said:


> Regardless of why a cheater cheats, they still chose to reap the benefits of marriage while pursuing their selfish desires instead of having the courage to end one relationship, before moving on. That is a character/morality defect, don't mistake me, I am not absolving the BS from their flaws or contribution to a failed marriage, but that is a completely separate issue.
> 
> I don't understand what you deem BS unworthy to date, men who have not been cheated on (that they know) aren't any less flawed, so your logic here is faulty. If you say, you don't want to deal with the baggage a BS has, that's more honest, but everyone has some kind of baggage, including you.


 Exactly!! I was cheated on, does that make me a less then desirable dating option?


----------



## Sfort

Numb26 said:


> Exactly!! I was cheated on, does that make me a less then desirable dating option?


Only if you *****, moan, and complain about it to the next person.


----------



## Livvie

She's was saying she won't date a man who was cheated on because she feels the man must have done something in order for his wife to cheat on him.

Note: I don't agree with this.


----------



## ccpowerslave

TXTrini said:


> Unfortunately, this is not just a joke. Man was a damned good kisser. Usually, I'm more sensitive in my descriptors, but this was the one who ghosted me, so it was a sore spot... or maybe not so sore. Hmmm


So the guy would disappear in that clam lineup...😱


----------



## TXTrini

Livvie said:


> She's was saying she won't date a man who was cheated on because she feels the man must have done something in order for his wife to cheat on him.
> 
> Note: I don't agree with this.


Which is why I questioned it. I don't know why I care anyway, if I were single, it would mean more men for me to date


----------



## TXTrini

ccpowerslave said:


> So the guy would disappear in that clam lineup...😱


OMG, not that again!


----------



## ConanHub

AVR1962 said:


> My thought on a woman who has cheated on her husband, and I have plenty of lady friends who have, husband was not available to his wife. If a guy tells me his wife cheated usually I don't see the again. He can't see how he failed her and now he us going to blame every woman that comes into his life.


Umm.... That's an entitled and irresponsible attitude at it's best from those cheatin ho ho's.😉


----------



## ConanHub

TXTrini said:


> Understood. It's nothing more than mechanics at that point, no emotional connection to make it sizzle and entice you to want more.
> 
> I never understood why men like that don't just go hire an escort  It's a complete waste of time for both parties involved.
> 
> What a jackass. You should have asked him if he could answer his own question, there are also many other men to swipe. For all you know he could be a 2-pump-chump or bring a pencil to the table .


The pen is mightier than the sword.... Says no one who has had a sword in their face....😉


----------



## Numb26

TXTrini said:


> OMG, not that again!


Did someone say clams?!?!?!


----------



## ConanHub

AVR1962 said:


> I generally do not continue to date a man once I know his wife cheated on him


You honestly seem off kilter and unbalanced with this philosophy.

Women cheat mostly for the same reasons men do and the women who blame their husbands just aren't grown up enough to own their own ****.


----------



## ConanHub

ccpowerslave said:


> So the guy would disappear in that clam lineup...😱


She is never gonna live that one down is she?😆


----------



## Numb26

ConanHub said:


> You honestly seem off kilter and unbalanced with this philosophy.
> 
> Women cheat mostly for the same reasons men do and the women who blame their husbands just aren't grown up enough to own their own ****.


So what she is saying is that it was something I did that made my ex have a threesome? LOL


----------



## ccpowerslave

ConanHub said:


> She is never gonna live that one down is she?😆


Never forget!


----------



## TXTrini

ccpowerslave said:


> Never forget!





ConanHub said:


> She is never gonna live that one down is she?😆


And... this is why I keep my shenanigans on the down-low


----------



## ccpowerslave

TXTrini said:


> And... this is why I keep my shenanigans on the down-low


When life gives you clams, hope that they’re not razor clams. 🦪


----------



## Lila

AVR1962 said:


> My thought on a woman who has cheated on her husband, and I have plenty of lady friends who have, husband was not available to his wife. If a guy tells me his wife cheated usually I don't see the again. He can't see how he failed her and now he us going to blame every woman that comes into his life.


I'm not going to assume to understand what you meant by your comment but my experiences have also led me to avoid dating men who use infidelity as the reason for their divorce. 

As someone whose ex had someone in the wings when he asked for the divorce, I can empathize with people who have been cheated on. However, I also understand there were issues in the marriage well before the infidelity. I will never take responsibility for my ex's cheating but I did play a big role in the demise of the marriage. 

When asked why my marriage failed, I answer truthfully with "we grew apart and neither of us was willing to change to make it work". I have only met one man who could do the same. I found it refreshing when he acknowledged his role in the marriage's demise (not to be confused with taking responsibility for the infidelity). He admitted he "chose poorly". He took responsibility for picking a woman who's only qualifying trait was her 'hotness'. He could have chosen a mentally/emotionally healthy woman who shared his values but instead he chose someone based on superficial traits. Like me, he managed to maintain a good co parenting relationship with his ex regardless of the infidelity. That's extremely rare.


----------



## Lila

tripad said:


> Thanks for the encouragement.
> 
> I use tinder . So far , I get scam texts or guys only interested in sex ,not relationships . Any better suggestions?


I'm going to give you a different take in Tinder. I am not cut out for online dating but if I had to choose an app, I would choose Tinder. 

I experimented with online dating in 2019 and tried Match (21 days), e harmony ( <2 weeks), hinge (9 days) and bumble (2 days). I tried Tinder in late 2020 for 2 weeks. 

I had the worst luck on Hinge. 

E harmony was just as everyone else has described.

Match was full of guys claiming to want a relationship but who were really looking for nsa sex (I could write a book). I did meet my first "boyfriend" post divorce on Match but that's a sad story in and of itself. 

I didn't like Bumble (way too many polished profiles with professional pics. Spidey senses screaming fake profiles) so didn't give it more than a glance. 

I had the best luck on Tinder. Found more men there who shared my values and relationship goals than on the other apps combined. I think it's the sheer volume of profiles - numbers game for sure. 

I would not give up on Tinder but maybe give a different app a try based on what's popular in your area.


----------



## ConanHub

Having witnessed dozens of cases of infidelity over the years and knowing the details, I can say the cheaters mostly just f'd their lives up and marriages due to shear selfishness and opportunity.

There were the minority that had some very rough circumstances before cheating but that wasn't the norm.

Many just did it because they could, cheating on pretty decent people that weren't anymore lacking than the rest of us.

A lot of them were actually very happy in their marriages and would say they love their spouse (which of course doesn't fit my definition of love) but did not want to get divorced and tried hard to reconcile.

I can see not wanting to date someone who is still very damaged from infidelity but not simply because someone cheated on them.


----------



## ConanHub

Lila said:


> I'm going to give you a different take in Tinder. I am not cut out for online dating but if I had to choose an app, I would choose Tinder.
> 
> I experimented with online dating in 2019 and tried Match (21 days), e harmony ( <2 weeks), hinge (9 days) and bumble (2 days). I tried Tinder in late 2020 for 2 weeks.
> 
> I had the worst luck on Hinge.
> 
> E harmony was just as everyone else has described.
> 
> Match was full of guys claiming to want a relationship but who were really looking for nsa sex (I could write a book). I did meet my first "boyfriend" post divorce on Match but that's a sad story in and of itself.
> 
> I didn't like Bumble (way too many polished profiles with professional pics. Spidey senses screaming fake profiles) so didn't give it more than a glance.
> 
> I had the best luck on Tinder. Found more men there who shared my values and relationship goals than on the other apps combined. I think it's the sheer volume of profiles - numbers game for sure.
> 
> I would not give up on Tinder but maybe give a different app a try based on what's popular in your area.


This stuff is so weird. I know you have explained it before but it still weirds me out.😳


----------



## Lila

ConanHub said:


> This stuff is so weird. I know you have explained it before but it still weirds me out.😳


I get it. I was involved in it and it weirded me out 😁. But I also understand that it works for others. 

Some people might think going to an organized singles event alone, and knowing no one there, is weird. I have zero issues doing that. Different strokes for different folks.


----------



## LisaDiane

ccpowerslave said:


> Never forget!


LOLOL!!!!!!!!


----------



## LisaDiane

Numb26 said:


> So what she is saying is that it was something I did that made my ex have a threesome? LOL


I hope you aren't truly taking it that way -- I don't believe she means that at all, so don't let her post offend you.

Besides, no one with any critical thinking skills at all would think that!


----------



## lifeistooshort

tripad said:


> Exactly , I was taken aback . I smiled and told him I am special because some people just won’t get to have me .
> I deleted my online account . Gave up .


Ha ha ha....I guy like that better be able to rock my freaking world 🤣🤣🤣

Somehow I doubt that would happen.


----------



## Openminded

I doubt I would refuse to date someone who was cheated on — not that I meet many in my age group who have been — since I know too well what that’s like. But I prefer casual dating and am not interested in a relationship and maybe I would feel differently about that if I did. And I don’t use dating apps. A field of bleating sheep doesn’t appeal to me. If I don’t run across someone in real life to date I’m not interested. Yes, that can take awhile but I find the thought of dating apps weird — like the old newspaper ads from my day that I thought were weird then.


----------



## tripad

Tried bumble as recommended . Seems the same as tinder . The immediate chill you feel when the men know sex in not happening anytime soon . 

The cheated on guy , with full of angst , is the only one who seems to appreciate that n met up once after we sorted out our issues with the question mark . He was hot on texts for 3 days straight . The meet went alright n he mentioned about meeting up again . Even though I may not start a relationship with him for many reasons , I see other good qualities in him n would definitely remain friends to see how his anger pans out . But he suddenly turn cold n reply curtly to my texts over 3 occasions . I get the chill so I stopped texting . It still hurts to have people so coldly put you out at a distance . 

The date site seems like a jungle of ugly mankind and the divorce seems to throw me into that unfamiliar jungle of sex hungry animal kingdom .


----------



## tripad

Incase you wonder , he definitely finds me attractive and he is definitely not as attractive as I would have gone for in my younger days when I had a wider selection 😅


----------



## AVR1962

ConanHub said:


> Umm.... That's an entitled and irresponsible attitude at it's best from those cheatin ho ho's.😉


I don't think you are understanding what I am trying to convey. We can just move on.......


----------



## ConanHub

AVR1962 said:


> I don't think you are understanding what I am trying to convey. We can just move on.......


It did sound funny coming from you.🙂


----------



## AVR1962

Numb26 said:


> So what she is saying is that it was something I did that made my ex have a threesome? LOL


No, sorry I replied....this is all getting really messed up.


----------



## AVR1962

Lila said:


> I'm going to give you a different take in Tinder. I am not cut out for online dating but if I had to choose an app, I would choose Tinder.
> 
> I experimented with online dating in 2019 and tried Match (21 days), e harmony ( <2 weeks), hinge (9 days) and bumble (2 days). I tried Tinder in late 2020 for 2 weeks.
> 
> I had the worst luck on Hinge.
> 
> E harmony was just as everyone else has described.
> 
> Match was full of guys claiming to want a relationship but who were really looking for nsa sex (I could write a book). I did meet my first "boyfriend" post divorce on Match but that's a sad story in and of itself.
> 
> I didn't like Bumble (way too many polished profiles with professional pics. Spidey senses screaming fake profiles) so didn't give it more than a glance.
> 
> I had the best luck on Tinder. Found more men there who shared my values and relationship goals than on the other apps combined. I think it's the sheer volume of profiles - numbers game for sure.
> 
> I would not give up on Tinder but maybe give a different app a try based on what's popular in your area.


Very interesting that you have had the most success with Tinder. Just curious...perhaps I set up my profile incorrectly....did you not find couples looking for someone to join them, married men looking for hook-ups, men with girlfriends who were looking for an extra friend, or men just wanting FWB relationships? That was my experience. I was thankful that these men were honest in what they were seeking but it also turned my stomach at the same time.


----------



## AVR1962

ConanHub said:


> It did sound funny coming from you.🙂


I guess I did not explain myself well!!!!!!


----------



## AVR1962

Openminded said:


> I doubt I would refuse to date someone who was cheated on — not that I meet many in my age group who have been — since I know too well what that’s like. But I prefer casual dating and am not interested in a relationship and maybe I would feel differently about that if I did. And I don’t use dating apps. A field of bleating sheep doesn’t appeal to me. If I don’t run across someone in real life to date I’m not interested. Yes, that can take awhile but I find the thought of dating apps weird — like the old newspaper ads from my day that I thought were weird then.


Tell us how you meet a potential date. Are you in any groups or classes? You go places where there are singles? I would much rather meet people in person but I am not going to hang out at some club, don't want to meet someone who likes to drink for pleasure in his off time. When I go out to eat I do sit at the bar instead of a table and I have had a few men approach me....had one guy pull up his chair right next to me one time and with little conversation that would have lead him to ask, he asks me if I would like to go find a hotel.....lol!!!!! I just laughed and told him no thanks and I can only imagine the look on my face!!! That was bizarre! Had another over weight, older bald man that kept trying to get my eye and I could see his actions out of the corner of my eye. I made no eye contact and we did not engage in conversation. When I went to pay my bill he had paid for my dinner without me knowing before he left the restaurant. I felt bad that I had ignored the guy. That was especially kind of him.


----------



## Lila

AVR1962 said:


> Very interesting that you have had the most success with Tinder. Just curious...perhaps I set up my profile incorrectly....did you not find couples looking for someone to join them, married men looking for hook-ups, men with girlfriends who were looking for an extra friend, or men just wanting FWB relationships? That was my experience. I was thankful that these men were honest in what they were seeking but it also turned my stomach at the same time.


Those things you mentioned were not exclusive to tinder. I ran into all of the above on every dating app I tried at about the same rate.

The benefit of using Tinder is volume. So as an example, I may have only 10 potential profile matches on match.com or hinge, but I had hundreds of potential matches on tinder. Assuming 10% of those were men with whom I shared common values and relationship goals, that's one potential profile match on match.com or hinge, but 10 or more profiles on Tinder. Does that make sense?

I also found the men on Tinder to be way more honest about what they were looking for and what they wanted then on any other dating app I used. I didn't waste half as much time trying to get to the truth.


----------



## Openminded

AVR1962 said:


> Tell us how you meet a potential date. Are you in any groups or classes? You go places where there are singles? I would much rather meet people in person but I am not going to hang out at some club, don't want to meet someone who likes to drink for pleasure in his off time. When I go out to eat I do sit at the bar instead of a table and I have had a few men approach me....had one guy pull up his chair right next to me one time and with little conversation that would have lead him to ask, he asks me if I would like to go find a hotel.....lol!!!!! I just laughed and told him no thanks and I can only imagine the look on my face!!! That was bizarre! Had another over weight, older bald man that kept trying to get my eye and I could see his actions out of the corner of my eye. I made no eye contact and we did not engage in conversation. When I went to pay my bill he had paid for my dinner without me knowing before he left the restaurant. I felt bad that I had ignored the guy. That was especially kind of him.


I live in a very large metro area with lots to do. Meet-ups, unmarried neighbors, church, community events, friends, hobbies. I have occasionally done classes. I have no interest in clubs or bars or single/mingle places. There’s no appeal to me in a “forever” relationship again — or anything close to it — so it doesn’t matter how long it is between meeting men. That’s not a priority. I just continue on with my life and if I meet someone to date for awhile, great. If not, also great. My very casual way wouldn’t work for anyone who is seriously looking but I’m not so, for me, it works well.


----------



## tripad

Openminded said:


> I live in a very large metro area with lots to do. Meet-ups, unmarried neighbors, church, community events, friends, hobbies. I have occasionally done classes. I have no interest in clubs or bars or single/mingle places. There’s no appeal to me in a “forever” relationship again — or anything close to it — so it doesn’t matter how long it is between meeting men. That’s not a priority. I just continue on with my life and if I meet someone to date for awhile, great. If not, also great. My very casual way wouldn’t work for anyone who is seriously looking but I’m not so, for me, it works well.



I think you should get pretty good dates . Most of the guys seem to work that way . 

I wish I can work the same way - imagine all the sex I can get ( assuming the guys are good 😆 ) 

Sigh , I know I can’t work that way because when it ends or if the guys turn out be asses , I will be heart broken .


----------



## TXTrini

tripad said:


> I think you should get pretty good dates . Most of the guys seem to work that way .
> 
> I wish I can work the same way - imagine all the sex I can get ( assuming the guys are good 😆 )
> 
> Sigh , I know I can’t work that way because when it ends or if the guys turn out be asses , I will be heart broken .


Chick, don't be discouraged. You know what you want, that's half the battle. It's up to you to stick to your guns and be ruthless in eliminating men who don't match you, regardless of their reasons. 

You don't need to be an ass about it, but just like men don't owe women a relationship, women don't owe men sex. It's simply a matter of running through the bros until you find that one man who wants similar things who does it for you mentally, physically and emotionally.

Don't waste time on wishy-washy half-assers, gamer-players or duds. Yes, there's lots of dross out there, but how else can you appreciate your golden nugget when you find him? And you will if you keep putting yourself out there.


----------



## WandaJ

Openminded said:


> I live in a very large metro area with lots to do. Meet-ups, unmarried neighbors, church, community events, friends, hobbies. I have occasionally done classes. I have no interest in clubs or bars or single/mingle places. There’s no appeal to me in a “forever” relationship again — or anything close to it — so it doesn’t matter how long it is between meeting men. That’s not a priority. I just continue on with my life and if I meet someone to date for awhile, great. If not, also great. My very casual way wouldn’t work for anyone who is seriously looking but I’m not so, for me, it works well.


yeah, I am not looking for any long term relationship either. Omiting those that do on bumble


----------



## Lila

I was going to post this update last weekend but decided to wait until my first "gig". 

Pre covid I met a woman at a singles social event I attended. She and I hit it off and became fast friends but we drifted apart when the covid lockdown happened. She went into full blown shelter in place until recently. She called about a month ago to catch up and told me that she used her Sheltering time to start a new business -Matchmaking services. Why is that important? Because she hired me to be her social coordinator 😁. I am now getting paid to do what I've been doing for free my entire adult life...... organizing social events and making sure everyone enjoys themselves. I didn't organize the one yesterday but she asked me to help get people to talk to each other. It was lots of fun. I will be happy to hear if there were any matches.


----------



## Sfort

And that's not a bad way to stay in circulation, if that's something you choose to do.


----------



## TXTrini

AVR1962 said:


> Very interesting that you have had the most success with Tinder. Just curious...perhaps I set up my profile incorrectly....did you not find couples looking for someone to join them, married men looking for hook-ups, men with girlfriends who were looking for an extra friend, or men just wanting FWB relationships? That was my experience. I was thankful that these men were honest in what they were seeking but it also turned my stomach at the same time.


My profile was fairly detail and uncompromising about what I wanted. I STILL got weirdos, so it's not you. They simply see someone ****able and take a shot. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, right? I had some interesting, rather tempting offers from some tasty little treats if I was of that mindset.

How detailed are you ladies on your profiles? Mine was rather straightforward but clear and detailed. Similarly, I went right past any skimpy profiles, regardless of how hot the dude was. 



Lila said:


> Those things you mentioned were not exclusive to tinder. I ran into all of the above on every dating app I tried at about the same rate.
> 
> The benefit of using Tinder is volume. So as an example, I may have only 10 potential profile matches on match.com or hinge, but I had hundreds of potential matches on tinder. Assuming 10% of those were men with whom I shared common values and relationship goals, that's one potential profile match on match.com or hinge, but 10 or more profiles on Tinder. Does that make sense?
> 
> I also found the men on Tinder to be way more honest about what they were looking for and what they wanted then on any other dating app I used. I didn't waste half as much time trying to get to the truth.


That's an intriguing take, Lila. I definitely appreciate the numbers advantage. I simply couldn't make myself try Tinder b/c of it's icky reputation  .

Maybe if I find myself single again, I'll check it out. Things have been really great with my bf though, no complaints.


----------



## ccpowerslave

I was told as a man if you achieve the four 6s you are irresistible to women. I am still trying to get the 6 pack abs. My wife’s review, “I can feel them under there.” Ouch...


----------



## jlg07

ccpowerslave said:


> I was told as a man if you achieve the four 6s you are irresistible to women. I am still trying to get the 6 pack abs. My wife’s review, “I can feel them under there.” Ouch...


Yeah I think a lot of guys have the six pack hidden by a 12 pack!


----------



## TXTrini

ccpowerslave said:


> I was told as a man if you achieve the four 6s you are irresistible to women. I am still trying to get the 6 pack abs. My wife’s review, “I can feel them under there.” Ouch...


It depends on what the woman in question is looking for. Abs are pretty if all you want is an eyeful. Even if all a woman wants is casual, abs certainly don't guarantee stamina or a great lay .


----------



## ccpowerslave

jlg07 said:


> Yeah I think a lot of guys have the six pack hidden by a 12 pack!


Yes... It’s a process.


----------



## ccpowerslave

TXTrini said:


> It depends on what the woman in question is looking for. Abs are pretty if all you want is an eyeful. Even if all a woman wants is casual, abs certainly don't guarantee stamina or a great lay .


Don’t ruin my dream TX it is going to be amazing, haha. Being around athletes all the time I already have some of my lines picked out.

Me: Are we in Ohio?
Mrs: uh no... what?
Me: <takes shirt off and flexes> oh coz I thought we were at a gun show

Me: Hey honey do we have any band aids?
Mrs: yea, why what happened?
Me: <takes shirt off and flexes> I can’t be sure but I think I’m cut

etc...


----------



## TXTrini

ccpowerslave said:


> Don’t ruin my dream TX it is going to be amazing, haha.


_cheerfully  onccpowerslave's parade_


----------



## Hiner112

Had a couple of ironic conversations with the ex recently that I thought I'd share.

The first one started with us discussing how we were going to handle the kids getting their driver's license (the oldest turned 15 a couple months ago and the younger one turns 14 later this year so we don't have a long time to plan / wait). This of course means that they're getting their tools for independence and they've both said things to the effect that they're moving away ASAP. About as far as they can get. They've also said that they're not at all interested in having children. Ever. The ex and I are anticipating limited visits. This lead into what it was going to be like without anyone at home. The ex said that she was probably going to be living alone since she always found something wrong with all the guys she talked to. She said that she thought I had raised the bar too much in too many ways for her to ever be satisfied with someone else. Ironic that she was the one that asked for the separation and divorce, huh?

One of the major contentious issues that the ex and I dealt with during our marriage was money. I believed that you should spend less than you make every paycheck and you should have money saved for emergencies. She thought I was a greedy asshole. She said on a couple of occasions, when I suggested that we not spend every penny in savings on (or put something on a credit card for) something we didn't need (a new patio or third bathroom for instance), that she should get divorced so she wouldn't have to discuss purchases with anyone. Now she's got structural problems with her house and wants to go to school and has no idea how to pay for either. Perhaps buying a new car the same year she bought a house (and got a divorce) wasn't the best idea. Doing a budget 6 months after you've obligated all of your money _might_ be a little late.

It both makes me very tired and makes me want to gloat a little bit.


----------



## TXTrini

Hiner112 said:


> Had a couple of ironic conversations with the ex recently that I thought I'd share.
> 
> The first one started with us discussing how we were going to handle the kids getting their driver's license (the oldest turned 15 a couple months ago and the younger one turns 14 later this year so we don't have a long time to plan / wait). This of course means that they're getting their tools for independence and they've both said things to the effect that they're moving away ASAP. About as far as they can get. They've also said that they're not at all interested in having children. Ever. The ex and I are anticipating limited visits. This lead into what it was going to be like without anyone at home. The ex said that she was probably going to be living alone since she always found something wrong with all the guys she talked to. She said that she thought I had raised the bar too much in too many ways for her to ever be satisfied with someone else. Ironic that she was the one that asked for the separation and divorce, huh?
> 
> One of the major contentious issues that the ex and I dealt with during our marriage was money. I believed that you should spend less than you make every paycheck and you should have money saved for emergencies. She thought I was a greedy asshole. She said on a couple of occasions, when I suggested that we not spend every penny in savings on (or put something on a credit card for) something we didn't need (a new patio or third bathroom for instance), that she should get divorced so she wouldn't have to discuss purchases with anyone. Now she's got structural problems with her house and wants to go to school and has no idea how to pay for either. Perhaps buying a new car the same year she bought a house (and got a divorce) wasn't the best idea. Doing a budget 6 months after you've obligated all of your money _might_ be a little late.
> 
> It both makes me very tired and makes me want to gloat a little bit.


Hiney baby! Good to hear from you, hell of an update! 

It serves her right! Irresponsible dumbass! My ex shared similar financial attitudes with your wife and it drove me NUTS. Aren't you glad you're not her piggy bank anymore?

Man I am living vicariously through you and enjoying the gloat just a teeny weeny bit Muaaahahaha It would be nice to hear some juicy **** like that about mine too, but I keep it tight and all businesslike when we have to communicate (official crap - I can't wait until I don't need his signature on anything else, that **** keeps popping up like bad pennies)

How's life for you otherwise?


----------



## Hiner112

TXTrini said:


> Hiney baby! Good to hear from you, hell of an update!
> 
> It serves her right! Irresponsible dumbass! My ex shared similar financial attitudes with your wife and it drove me NUTS. Aren't you glad you're not her piggy bank anymore?
> 
> Man I am living vicariously through you and enjoying the gloat just a teeny weeny bit Muaaahahaha It would be nice to hear some juicy *** like that about mine too, but I keep it tight and all businesslike when we have to communicate (official crap - I can't wait until I don't need his signature on anything else, that *** keeps popping up like bad pennies)
> 
> How's life for you otherwise?


Life has been a bit of a mixed bag.

The Good: About a month ago the kids and I built a (short range) flamethrower out of a torch, leaf blower, and some PVC pipe. We watched The Mitchell's vs the Machines on Netflix and we're looking forward to The Bad Batch on Disney+. I'm getting $2800 stimulus money and don't have any pressing need for it. I've gotten a "like" or two on OLD.

The not so good: There's someone at work that I should probably let go since he doesn't really contribute productively to the team. Getting anything approved at work is a huge PITA and since I'm "team lead" most of the annoyance falls on me. My blood pressure was "moderately high" for long enough that my doctor put me on blood pressure medicine which I will probably be on for the rest of my life. Contemplating responding to the OLD "like"s makes me feel more stressed out than hopeful or excited so I haven't responded yet.


----------



## TXTrini

Hiner112 said:


> Life has been a bit of a mixed bag.
> 
> The Good: About a month ago the kids and I built a (short range) flamethrower out of a torch, leaf blower, and some PVC pipe. We watched The Mitchell's vs the Machines on Netflix and we're looking forward to The Bad Batch on Disney+. I'm getting $2800 stimulus money and don't have any pressing need for it. I've gotten a "like" or two on OLD.
> 
> The not so good: There's someone at work that I should probably let go since he doesn't really contribute productively to the team. Getting anything approved at work is a huge PITA and since I'm "team lead" most of the annoyance falls on me. My blood pressure was "moderately high" for long enough that my doctor put me on blood pressure medicine which I will probably be on for the rest of my life. Contemplating responding to the OLD "like"s makes me feel more stressed out than hopeful or excited so I haven't responded yet.


That sounds like fun! What all have you set ablaze? I got myself a mini chainsaw the other day, I'm planning on doing some tree-trimming in my front yard to show that baby off as soon as I can stay upright on a ladder! Yeah baby! Rrerrow  

It ain't worth getting all riled up man (like I should talk ), what are you doing to bust your stress? Has anyone told him, he sucks? And not in a good way? Give him a shot to up his ante? He can't be that oblivious though, surely?

Don't feel bad about not being ready to date. If it doesn't feel good, you're not ready. Though, and I'm going to be super crude...wouldn't busting a nut release some of that stress oh so pleasurably? I know I'm much happier and WAY less stressed out when I'm getting some on the regular. 

All teasing aside, it's uncanny how much you sound JUST like my bf . He took his good old time after his divorce to start dating again (nothing wrong with that) and he was super anxious about dating.


----------



## Lila

Sfort said:


> And that's not a bad way to stay in circulation, if that's something you choose to do.


I'm assuming you meant this for me. 

Not going to say no, but my friend's company caters to young (er) people. The event I attended was made up of highly successful, never married 30 somethings, looking for others in the same boat. It was an interesting experience.


----------



## ConanHub

jlg07 said:


> Yeah I think a lot of guys have the six pack hidden by a 12 pack!


I've got more of a keg with banded walls.😉


----------



## Hiner112

TXTrini said:


> That sounds like fun! What all have you set ablaze? I got myself a mini chainsaw the other day, I'm planning on doing some tree-trimming in my front yard to show that baby off as soon as I can stay upright on a ladder! Yeah baby! Rrerrow
> 
> It ain't worth getting all riled up man (like I should talk ), what are you doing to bust your stress? Has anyone told him, he sucks? And not in a good way? Give him a shot to up his ante? He can't be that oblivious though, surely?
> 
> Don't feel bad about not being ready to date. If it doesn't feel good, you're not ready. Though, and I'm going to be super crude...wouldn't busting a nut release some of that stress oh so pleasurably? I know I'm much happier and WAY less stressed out when I'm getting some on the regular.
> 
> All teasing aside, it's uncanny how much you sound JUST like my bf . He took his good old time after his divorce to start dating again (nothing wrong with that) and he was super anxious about dating.


We tested flour, powder milk, and powder coffee creamer as fuel by sifting them over a torch. Flour was almost impossible to light and powder milk was at least reliably combustible but barely. They lulled me into a false sense of security. I was concentrating on making sure the powdered coffee creamer was hitting the flame when an orange fireball went up the right side of my body and singed off part of my goatee and hair.  The actual flamethrower once constructed did burn a small patch of the yard. You have to be very, very careful about how the wind is blowing.

The guy at work has had the, "this cannot continue as it is" meeting. Improvement has been marginal. It is as much a lack of capability as it is a lack of effort, I think. He was hired as someone that is supposed to have ~10 years' experience and our team is too small to dedicate a mentor so he's got to figure things out on his own and interpret tasks that don't have every detail spelled out but he doesn't seem to be able to do these things.


----------



## heartsbeating

Hiner112 said:


> The guy at work has had the, "this cannot continue as it is" meeting. Improvement has been marginal. It is as much a lack of capability as it is a lack of effort, I think. He was hired as someone that is supposed to have ~10 years' experience and our team is too small to dedicate a mentor so he's got to figure things out on his own and interpret tasks that don't have every detail spelled out but he doesn't seem to be able to do these things.


I have experienced this. The different approaches of support provided, the direct conversations and feedback, re-framing to what they needed to facilitate them being a strong team member, recognizing where their strengths are and valuing those too. What I found to be the most challenging/draining was resetting myself each time and with the knowledge that 'a team is only as strong as the weakest link' and essentially it largely fell on me as their manager to take steps to support them towards improvement and with an understanding of their perspective, too. While the approaches and direct communication between us seemed well-received, it took up a lot of my time and energy. Still, I had to accept that was part of what I had signed up for. Improvements occurred, great. Then some unexpected character shenanigans emerged that was a whole other scenario that I needed to call out - and escalated. My shoulders are rising just typing this haha. Anyway, I feel for ya. From the view that 'a team is only as strong as the weakest link' the intention is to support the person to get them to be as strong as the others. Good luck!


----------



## TXTrini

Hiner112 said:


> We tested flour, powder milk, and powder coffee creamer as fuel by sifting them over a torch. Flour was almost impossible to light and powder milk was at least reliably combustible but barely. They lulled me into a false sense of security. I was concentrating on making sure the powdered coffee creamer was hitting the flame when an orange fireball went up the right side of my body and singed off part of my goatee and hair.  The actual flamethrower once constructed did burn a small patch of the yard. You have to be very, very careful about how the wind is blowing.
> 
> The guy at work has had the, "this cannot continue as it is" meeting. Improvement has been marginal. It is as much a lack of capability as it is a lack of effort, I think. He was hired as someone that is supposed to have ~10 years' experience and our team is too small to dedicate a mentor so he's got to figure things out on his own and interpret tasks that don't have every detail spelled out but he doesn't seem to be able to do these things.


That sounds like a blast! So... how bad is the singe? Are you going to have to shave/trim? It could be an opportunity for a new look. The bright side is, it singed upstairs  not other places...

Oh man, he needs to take some invitiative. How long has he been there? You'd think knowing how tight the job market is, he'd do everything possible to make himself indispensible!


----------



## Hiner112

TXTrini said:


> That sounds like a blast! So... how bad is the singe? Are you going to have to shave/trim? It could be an opportunity for a new look. The bright side is, it singed upstairs  not other places...
> 
> Oh man, he needs to take some invitiative. How long has he been there? You'd think knowing how tight the job market is, he'd do everything possible to make himself indispensible!


I didn't notice the singed hair until I came in and noticed that the smell of burntness was following me around. When I looked closely in the mirror I noticed that about half an inch of the hair on the right side of my face and around my ear had a singed look. After a shampoo and brushing, I don't think you could really tell. And I stopped smelling like I had set myself on fire.

The problem guy has been there just over a year now. He got hired a bit before the pandemic became serious and I don't think that helped much. He seems to be trying most of the time but it takes him forever to finish anything and then someone has to go behind him to check to make sure what he did works. During the interview he talked a big game about always meeting deadlines and learning what he needed to do his job even if he didn't have specific experience but reality hasn't been nearly so good.


----------



## LisaDiane

TXTrini said:


> It depends on what the woman in question is looking for. Abs are pretty if all you want is an eyeful. Even if all a woman wants is casual, abs certainly don't guarantee stamina or a great lay .


Yeah, they actually do NOTHING for me...when I see defined abs on a guy, I think, "oh, he likes to work out"...it's an observation ONLY. I feel absolutely NO attraction to that at all, like I do when I notice if he has nice arms (NOT bulked up), or if he's got a great smile, or if he makes me laugh, or if I like his attitude.

And I LOVE making food and desserts for people I care about, and I have to tell you, the guy who loves my food and is happy to eat it will spark my excitement and arousal...whereas, if a guy didn't want to eat desserts or food I made because he might get fat or it would ruin his abs, I would be TOTALLY turned off and uninterested! I think I might consider that a personal weakness in him...Lol!!!


----------



## LisaDiane

TXTrini said:


> Though, and I'm going to be super crude...wouldn't busting a nut release some of that stress oh so pleasurably? I know I'm much happier and WAY less stressed out when I'm getting some on the regular.


OMG...LOLOL!!!!!! 💜


----------



## LisaDiane

Hiner112 said:


> We tested flour, powder milk, and powder coffee creamer as fuel by sifting them over a torch. Flour was almost impossible to light and powder milk was at least reliably combustible but barely. They lulled me into a false sense of security. I was concentrating on making sure the powdered coffee creamer was hitting the flame when an orange fireball went up the right side of my body and singed off part of my goatee and hair.  The actual flamethrower once constructed did burn a small patch of the yard. You have to be very, very careful about how the wind is blowing.


This sounds SOOOOO COOL and FUN!!!!!!!


----------



## LisaDiane

Hiner112 said:


> Life has been a bit of a mixed bag.
> 
> The Good: About a month ago the kids and I built a (short range) flamethrower out of a torch, leaf blower, and some PVC pipe. We watched The Mitchell's vs the Machines on Netflix and we're looking forward to The Bad Batch on Disney+. I'm getting $2800 stimulus money and don't have any pressing need for it. I've gotten a "like" or two on OLD.
> 
> The not so good: There's someone at work that I should probably let go since he doesn't really contribute productively to the team. Getting anything approved at work is a huge PITA and since I'm "team lead" most of the annoyance falls on me. My blood pressure was "moderately high" for long enough that my doctor put me on blood pressure medicine which I will probably be on for the rest of my life. *Contemplating responding to the OLD "like"s makes me feel more stressed out than hopeful or excited so I haven't responded yet.*


I can understand that feeling, but don't underestimate the value of pushing yourself out of your comfort zone and challenging yourself in personal relationships!! It can be a great way to help you grow and learn about yourself, not to mention, lead to positive outcomes with other people (women!), that you don't necessarily have to be "dating" to gain some enjoyment from them...!!! 

Sometimes, the hesitation means you SHOULD do it.


----------



## ccpowerslave

LisaDiane said:


> And I LOVE making food and desserts for people I care about, and I have to tell you, the guy who loves my food and is happy to eat it will spark my excitement and arousal...whereas, if a guy didn't want to eat desserts or food I made because he might get fat or it would ruin his abs, I would be TOTALLY turned off and uninterested! I think I might consider that a personal weakness in him...Lol!!!


Hmm... So I do worry about the calories in items and especially desserts or anything deep fried. Unfortunately my wife likes deep fried things and desserts.

She can eat like one or two of something. I am a big dude and I eat a lot. So if she made a dish that she makes I am going to eat a big plate of it or she will know I am holding back. 

Fortunately I mostly avoid this because I cook everything and if I need to I will cook a lite version of whatever it is for me or just throw all the carbs on her plate.

For desserts I have gradually chipped away at her on portions to where I can have like one cookie if she makes some. In return if I am making a batch of cocktails I make her a tiny one with a single measured shot worth of liquor. Then everyone tries and nobody feels bad.


----------



## LisaDiane

TXTrini said:


> That sounds like fun! What all have you set ablaze? *I got myself a mini chainsaw the other day,* I'm planning on doing some tree-trimming in my front yard to show that baby off as soon as I can stay upright on a ladder! Yeah baby! Rrerrow


That sounds AWESOME, and I have to tell you, I LOVE my tools and my favorite ones are my mini reciprocating saw and my leaf/wood chipper -- I can make my own mulch for FREE!!! 

Why can't you stay upright on a ladder...did I miss something??


----------



## LisaDiane

ccpowerslave said:


> Hmm... So I do worry about the calories in items and especially desserts or anything deep fried. Unfortunately my wife likes deep fried things and desserts.
> 
> She can eat like one or two of something. I am a big dude and I eat a lot. So if she made a dish that she makes I am going to eat a big plate of it or she will know I am holding back.
> 
> Fortunately I mostly avoid this because I cook everything and if I need to I will cook a lite version of whatever it is for me or just throw all the carbs on her plate.
> 
> For desserts I have gradually chipped away at her on portions to where I can have like one cookie if she makes some. In return if I am making a batch of cocktails I make her a tiny one with a single measured shot worth of liquor. Then everyone tries and nobody feels bad.


Does she tease you for being calorie conscious, or does she not care?

For me, I actually prefer men's bodies with a little weight on them...I find that look VERY attractive (especially with hairy arms and chests!!!!) and masculine. Too thin or zero body fat just isn't appealing to me and doesn't look as strong to me subconsciously, I guess.


----------



## ccpowerslave

LisaDiane said:


> Does she tease you for being calorie conscious, or does she not care?
> 
> For me, I actually prefer men's bodies with a little weight on them...I find that look VERY attractive (especially with hairy arms and chests!!!!) and masculine. Too thin or zero body fat just isn't appealing to me and doesn't look as strong to me subconsciously, I guess.


She doesn’t because she knows how hard I work on my fitness.

I wish I was that ripped. She is like you in that she doesn’t like it when I get down to fighting weight. She says my hips are “boney”. She does like abs though and also upper body in general like back, chest, shoulders, arms, etc...


----------



## LisaDiane

ccpowerslave said:


> She doesn’t because she knows how hard I work on my fitness.
> 
> I wish I was that ripped. She is like you in that she doesn’t like it when I get down to fighting weight. She says my hips are “boney”. She does like abs though and also upper body in general like back, chest, shoulders, arms, etc...


So...you wish you were "that ripped" even though it doesn't appeal to your wife as much, is that what you mean?


----------



## Blondilocks

ccpowerslave said:


> Hmm... So I do worry about the calories in items and especially desserts or anything deep fried. Unfortunately my wife likes deep fried things and desserts.
> 
> She can eat like one or two of something. I am a big dude and I eat a lot. So if she made a dish that she makes I am going to eat a big plate of it or she will know I am holding back.
> 
> Fortunately I mostly avoid this because I cook everything and if I need to I will cook a lite version of whatever it is for me or just throw all the carbs on her plate.
> 
> For desserts I have gradually chipped away at her on portions to where I can have like one cookie if she makes some. In return if I am making a batch of cocktails I make her a tiny one with a single measured shot worth of liquor. Then everyone tries and nobody feels bad.


You may want to reconsider your fondness of sausage. They typically have twice the amount of fat as protein and fat has 9 calories per gram vs protein and carbs at 4 calories per gram. Lean meats would be a better choice.


----------



## ccpowerslave

LisaDiane said:


> So...you wish you were "that ripped" even though it doesn't appeal to your wife as much, is that what you mean?


Yes because I want the physical capability (mainly) but I also think it looks good.


----------



## ccpowerslave

Blondilocks said:


> You may want to reconsider your fondness of sausage. They typically have twice the amount of fat as protein and fat has 9 calories per gram vs protein and carbs at 4 calories per gram. Lean meats would be a better choice.


I used to do only lean meat when I was in my 20s. I couldn’t stick to eating that for long (years) periods of time. I’d rather restrict carbs, alcohol, and sugar than fat.


----------



## TXTrini

Hiner112 said:


> I didn't notice the singed hair until I came in and noticed that the smell of burntness was following me around. When I looked closely in the mirror I noticed that about half an inch of the hair on the right side of my face and around my ear had a singed look. After a shampoo and brushing, I don't think you could really tell. And I stopped smelling like I had set myself on fire.
> 
> The problem guy has been there just over a year now. He got hired a bit before the pandemic became serious and I don't think that helped much. He seems to be trying most of the time but it takes him forever to finish anything and then someone has to go behind him to check to make sure what he did works. During the interview he talked a big game about always meeting deadlines and learning what he needed to do his job even if he didn't have specific experience but reality hasn't been nearly so good.


Oh, I imagined something more dramatic, like half your hair melted on one side  . I've had a few singe incidents myself, so I know the smell all too well... glad you weren't hurt.

It's always the ones who talk a good game, eh. When you're too humble, people overlook you, even when you can do the job. Humble people tend to only apply for things they're pretty sure they can manage. It's been a whole year though, is it a really technical job or something?


----------



## TXTrini

LisaDiane said:


> OMG...LOLOL!!!!!! 💜


Oh, come on! Like I mentioned on another thread, it's the first time in my life I'm getting the good stuff and it really does make a huge difference in my stress levels, so I totally recommend it.


LisaDiane said:


> That sounds AWESOME, and I have to tell you, I LOVE my tools and my favorite ones are my mini reciprocating saw and my leaf/wood chipper -- I can make my own mulch for FREE!!!
> 
> Why can't you stay upright on a ladder...did I miss something??


Ohhh, what kind? I'm in the market for a mulcher that can handle branches that's not terribly expensive.

I had a horrid continuous vertigo episode a few weeks ago. It's a bit better, but not going away. The doc thinks it could be from allergies (my eardrums are inflamed, but not quite infected). She had me switch my allergy meds, so waiting for it to take effect.

I didn't realize you had to change them every 6 months, but I've been really bad about taking them the last year anyhow. In any case, I've been avoiding climbing and using power tools until I can move my head more freely. I'm fine, bit's just more annoying now than anything.



LisaDiane said:


> Does she tease you for being calorie conscious, or does she not care?
> 
> For me, I actually prefer men's bodies with a little weight on them...I find that look VERY attractive (especially with hairy arms and chests!!!!) and masculine. Too thin or zero body fat just isn't appealing to me and doesn't look as strong to me subconsciously, I guess.


I like my men beefy too. No skinny dudes. I "dated" this one super fit guy and he was a bit scrawny for my tastes.

LOVE a hairy chest, legs, and arms. My bf is super cuddly, he has a little belly, on a nice barrel-chested frame and he's nice and fuzzy. He's got some nice buns too, I have to be careful not to slip my hand in his back pocket when we're out in public


----------



## jlg07

TXTrini said:


> I had a horrid continuous vertigo episode a few weeks ago. It's a bit better, but not going away. The doc thinks it could be from allergies (my eardrums are inflamed, but not quite infected). She had me switch my allergy meds, so waiting for it to take effect.


This MAY not be the case, but you can have crystals form in your ear that can cause continuous vertigo. You can also do vestibular therapy to help overcome any vertigo you have (my son had this...)


----------



## LisaDiane

ccpowerslave said:


> Yes because I want the physical capability (mainly) but I also think it looks good.


So you would rather look good to yourself, even if it's a turn OFF for her...?


----------



## ConanHub

LisaDiane said:


> So you would rather look good to yourself, even if it's a turn OFF for her...?


Mrs. Conan is like that with me. She really likes the ultra thin look and is often trying to achieve it when I like a girl with some "trunk" space.

When she first got into running and really shed some weight, she got so tiny that her derriere disappeared and Conan wasn't happy!😡

Her definition of beauty is a little different from mine.

Mrs. C likes lean muscles though and we both like abs.🙂


----------



## ccpowerslave

LisaDiane said:


> So you would rather look good to yourself, even if it's a turn OFF for her...?


Um kind of yes? Wait is that bad?

I can tell you that since I started my campaign last summer to get jacked, when I take my shirt off now she’s grabbing all the goods. So even if her mouth is saying “the hips are bone-y” the hands are betraying her.

It probably helps that my weight bench I have next to her work desk at home. So like this morning when I went down to do a set I was like “Whoa is it hot in here?” I took my shirt off and then did some reps. She was shaking her head no but I bet she was thinking “ohhhh yes”. Then again she may be wondering why she puts up with my stupid crap haha.


----------



## TXTrini

jlg07 said:


> This MAY not be the case, but you can have crystals form in your ear that can cause continuous vertigo. You can also do vestibular therapy to help overcome any vertigo you have (my son had this...)


I had an interesting idea to get that sorted, but I'm rather embarrassed to say it here . I need to do some research...


----------



## hubbyintrubby

TXTrini said:


> I had an interesting idea to get that sorted, but I'm rather embarrassed to say it here . I need to do some research...


Color us intrigued.....


----------



## 3Xnocharm

LisaDiane said:


> So you would rather look good to yourself, even if it's a turn OFF for her...?


It’s important to feel good in your own body! What if she like fat dudes? Should he eat to obesity just to turn her on?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## TXTrini

hubbyintrubby said:


> Color us intrigued.....


Don't mind me, I'm in a mood


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## Hiner112

TXTrini said:


> Oh, I imagined something more dramatic, like half your hair melted on one side  . I've had a few singe incidents myself, so I know the smell all too well... glad you weren't hurt.
> 
> It's always the ones who talk a good game, eh. When you're too humble, people overlook you, even when you can do the job. Humble people tend to only apply for things they're pretty sure they can manage. It's been a whole year though, is it a really technical job or something?


We're a software development team. Whether you consider it really technical or not is a matter of perspective. It is something that is really hard to measure or quantify.


----------



## Hiner112

LisaDiane said:


> So you would rather look good to yourself, even if it's a turn OFF for her...?


I know this wasn't directed at me but I do have a thought / opinion related to it. I decided long before anyone thought of me as someone worth dating what I wanted my body to be like. It is as much a part of me as my dark hair and blue eyes. I'm not going to build big muscles but I will have some definition. Anyone I date will have to appreciate it, tolerate it as a part of a whole that they do like, or find someone else.


----------



## TXTrini

Hiner112 said:


> We're a software development team. Whether you consider it really technical or not is a matter of perspective. It is something that is really hard to measure or quantify.


Gotcha. As someone who knows nothing about that, it's technical to me


----------



## AVR1962

On Cinco de Mayo I decided to go out to eat at Applebees after work, figured it was one place I could get in, lo!!!! Hadn't been there is over a year. Place was dead....three ladies together at the bar on one side, another single lady on the other side. This man sits a chair over from me, I see he had checked me out from the corner of my eye. he says "hi" to me so I asked him how he was doing. Oh my word, we ended up chatting the rest of the evening. In the course of our conversation I mentioned I had a profile on Match. Handsome, well kept, fit. he asked how old my kids are....doom, right? My oldest daughter is 40....he choked. I told him I figured he was half my age. The man is 48, I am 58. We exchanged numbers, afterwards he texts me to let me he enjoyed meeting me. He texted me yesterday asking when he could see me again and told me I don't need a profile on Match. I am pinching myself.....I actually met someone in-person! I will go out with him, I will give him a chance.


----------



## LisaDiane

3Xnocharm said:


> It’s important to feel good in your own body! What if she like fat dudes? Should he eat to obesity just to turn her on?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


That's a pretty extreme example.

You definitely misunderstood my tone (or whatever) -- I was only asking out of curiosity about how HE thought about it, NOT because I think he "should" do what she wants or not. I don't care, I just was trying to understand his thoughts.

But come to think of it, if a guy marries a woman and she puts on weight he doesn't like (but SHE doesn't mind or notice), do people say she should lose weight to turn him on again??


----------



## LisaDiane

ccpowerslave said:


> Um kind of yes? Wait is that bad?
> 
> I can tell you that since I started my campaign last summer to get jacked, when I take my shirt off now she’s grabbing all the goods. So even if her mouth is saying “the hips are bone-y” the hands are betraying her.
> 
> It probably helps that my weight bench I have next to her work desk at home. So like this morning when I went down to do a set I was like “Whoa is it hot in here?” I took my shirt off and then did some reps. She was shaking her head no but I bet she was thinking “ohhhh yes”. Then again she may be wondering why she puts up with my stupid crap haha.


Not bad at all if it works for you! I was just curious of how you were rationalizing it to yourself, to understand. I don't care one way or the other what people do.


----------



## ccpowerslave

LisaDiane said:


> But come to think of it, if a guy marries a woman and she puts on weight he doesn't like (but SHE doesn't mind or notice), do people say she should lose weight to turn him on again??


That is a really tough one. 

I’m not in the “beauty at any size” camp because there is a limit for me but my wife has never come close to hitting it in either direction. 

I don’t think she would ever let herself go to that extreme and if she did my concern would be more for her health. So I would want to get her healthy and then the attraction part takes care of itself.


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## TXTrini

LisaDiane said:


> That's a pretty extreme example.
> 
> You definitely misunderstood my tone (or whatever) -- I was only asking out of curiosity about how HE thought about it, NOT because I think he "should" do what she wants or not. I don't care, I just was trying to understand his thoughts.
> 
> But come to think of it, if a guy marries a woman and she puts on weight he doesn't like (but SHE doesn't mind or notice), do people say she should lose weight to turn him on again??


But they do! Haven't you read all the "my wife is fat" threads?


----------



## TXTrini

AVR1962 said:


> On Cinco de Mayo I decided to go out to eat at Applebees after work, figured it was one place I could get in, lo!!!! Hadn't been there is over a year. Place was dead....three ladies together at the bar on one side, another single lady on the other side. This man sits a chair over from me, I see he had checked me out from the corner of my eye. he says "hi" to me so I asked him how he was doing. Oh my word, we ended up chatting the rest of the evening. In the course of our conversation I mentioned I had a profile on Match. Handsome, well kept, fit. he asked how old my kids are....doom, right? My oldest daughter is 40....he choked. I told him I figured he was half my age. The man is 48, I am 58. We exchanged numbers, afterwards he texts me to let me he enjoyed meeting me. He texted me yesterday asking when he could see me again and told me I don't need a profile on Match. I am pinching myself.....I actually met someone in-person! I will go out with him, I will give him a chance.


You cradle robber, you! Enjoy!


----------



## 3Xnocharm

AVR1962 said:


> We exchanged numbers, afterwards he texts me to let me he enjoyed meeting me. He texted me yesterday asking when he could see me again and told me I don't need a profile on Match. I am pinching myself.....I actually met someone in-person! I will go out with him, I will give him a chance.


See this is EXACTLY the kind of unexpected, organic meeting I am looking for! Where it just happens as you are living your life! I don’t think I will ever get on a dating site again. I need to work on how I look before I can even think of dating anyway, no one is going to want me looking the way I currently do. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Hiner112

LisaDiane said:


> That's a pretty extreme example.
> 
> You definitely misunderstood my tone (or whatever) -- I was only asking out of curiosity about how HE thought about it, NOT because I think he "should" do what she wants or not. I don't care, I just was trying to understand his thoughts.
> 
> But come to think of it, if a guy marries a woman and she puts on weight he doesn't like (but SHE doesn't mind or notice), do people say she should lose weight to turn him on again??


My ex went from 130 or 135 to 175-ish between 18 and 28 (and two kids later) and it didn't really phase me. It was a little harder to carry her off to the bedroom but I blamed it on me being 30. 

I think that for committed relationships you should err on the side of acceptance and at the beginning of relationships you should be more strict so you don't start a relationship where there isn't any attraction. I'm sure there are limits for everyone like brushing teeth and bathing and drastic body changes but the normal aging changes like a few pounds a year, some wrinkles, grey or thinning hair, or stretch marks should definitely be overlooked with a lot of grace.


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## Hiner112

So it has been vivid dream time again.

On Thursday I was in a cross between Alien and Aliens. We were on the planet like in Aliens but the Xenomorphs were staying in the shadows and ambushing individuals like in Alien. I was alternately a character in the drama and camera man. On the surface I was sent to retrieve something and was chased back to the group by a facehugger. Then I would watch as someone else was snatched into the shadows. Finally, I was in the perspective of the recovery pilot and anyone that has watched the movies knows when I woke up.

Last night was also weird. I was married again and we were sharing an apartment with another couple. Not an apartment with two units but we shared common areas like the kitchen and living room. Except for a couple vacations, I've never been in a situation like that before. Conversations were familiar and friendly but I didn't recognize anyone in the dream at all. It started with me and the other couple hanging out at the kitchen island talking about meals and grocery shopping. Then a woman walks in and one of them says something like, "there's your beautiful wife" or something like that and all I can think is "I don't even know her name!". Imagine trying to get someone to say your wife's name because you've forgotten it. Man, I was so stressed out.


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## LisaDiane

TXTrini said:


> But they do! Haven't you read all the "my wife is fat" threads?


You are exactly right they do!! That was my point, that when someone needs to lose weight to attract their partner, it's encouraged or seen as necessary...but it's the opposite if someone might need to gain weight to attract their partner.

When I read or ask about those issues with couples, I am just curious about the thoughts someone has -- if your partner is attracted to a certain body type/look, why wouldn't you want to capitalize on that if possible, especially if attracting them is a major focus for you?

(I have NO opinion on it -- I was not, nor am I now, saying what anyone should or should not do)


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## TXTrini

LisaDiane said:


> You are exactly right they do!! That was my point, that when someone needs to lose weight to attract their partner, it's encouraged or seen as necessary...but it's the opposite if someone might need to gain weight to attract their partner.
> 
> When I read or ask about those issues with couples, I am just curious about the thoughts someone has -- if your partner is attracted to a certain body type/look, why wouldn't you want to capitalize on that if possible, especially if attracting them is a major focus for you?
> 
> (I have NO opinion on it -- I was not, nor am I now, saying what anyone should or should not do)


Oh, I know you're not a nagger like some other folks on TAM (you know who you are, and I'm not engaging!), you're just an insatiably curious kitty! 

I understand the lose weight thing, especially if it's a lot of weight. I can also understand if people are unhappy with their current fitness and decide to do something about it. The trouble is when one does it and the other does not, where does that leave the spouse who doesn't take the self-improvement journey. Maybe that's why one-half of a couple may feel threatened by the other's action.

What I don't understand is when people expect people their spouses to be frozen in time, the way they were, 10, 20, 30 yrs ago while never taking a good look at their current state.


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## ccpowerslave

TXTrini said:


> their spouses to be frozen in time...


I agree. They need to let it go...


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## DownByTheRiver

3Xnocharm said:


> See this is EXACTLY the kind of unexpected, organic meeting I am looking for! Where it just happens as you are living your life! I don’t think I will ever get on a dating site again. I need to work on how I look before I can even think of dating anyway, no one is going to want me looking the way I currently do.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


You just have to go out and look accessible and not be afraid to nod friendly like or say hi to show you're approachable. Got to get out there. I'm 68 and not looking, but nonetheless, I talk to strangers all the time when I'm out and about. It's not that hard. Just a two word comment like "long line" or "nice patio" is all it takes if another person is at all friendly or attracted.


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## lifeistooshort

I agree it's harsh to write off one who's been cheated on, but I would still want to know the circumstances of the marriage. "My ex cheated" would be insufficient information for me to decide whether they are a good prospect.

Cheaters are scumbags, but betrayed spouses aren't automatically good spouses. They may in fact have been a terrible spouse that happened to be married to one whose answer is to cheat. Those are two separate issues.

I want to know that they've contemplated what their part in the marriage breakdown was. That's important for them to grow and be a good partner going forward.


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## DownByTheRiver

lifeistooshort said:


> I agree it's harsh to write off one who's been cheated on, but I would still want to know the circumstances of the marriage. "My ex cheated" would be insufficient information for me to decide whether they are a good prospect.
> 
> Cheaters are scumbags, but betrayed spouses aren't automatically good spouses. They may in fact have been a terrible spouse that happened to be married to one whose answer is to cheat. Those are two separate issues.
> 
> I want to know that they've contemplated what their part in the marriage breakdown was. That's important for them to grow and be a good partner going forward.


This√


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## Hiner112

Thought I'd share a baby step of mine. I'm a couple messages in with a woman (not a bot this time I swear!).

The positive: We share an enthusiasm for reading and a desire to take things (very) slowly after recent-ish divorces (her 2019, me 2020). We've both served in the military and are working on our fitness now. We both see the world in shades of grey (which is pretty rare for this area to be honest). She seems to like both the shaggy and crew cut me.

The negative: She is over an hour away. The time between messages has been measured in hours, if not days. They tend to be fairly meaty (3+ paragraphs) though.

It's not much but it is progress past just hovering the finger or cursor over the profile...


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## heartsbeating

Hiner112 said:


> It's not much but it is progress past just hovering the finger or cursor over the profile...


Just ensure you know (and remember) her name


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## Hiner112

heartsbeating said:


> Just ensure you know (and remember) her name


Lucky for me her OLD name is her first name, LOL.

Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk


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## Not

deleted


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## Elizabeth001

Not said:


> Tank and I are no longer together. I never would've guessed that my family moving in would have such a huge impact but it did. Everything took the most sudden bizarre turn.
> 
> Before my family came Tank and I were together pretty much all the time. He was dropping hints about me moving in and I was looking at our options as far as that goes. I thought we were going to make it for the long haul. It was always just him and I alone. We'd go out with friends or his brother every now and then but mostly it was just us. And things seemed so damn good. He was the most attentive BF, super sweet and so very much into me. Always wanted me by his side. He always made me feel so good about us.
> 
> But in the words of my sister he became "possessive and clingy". As soon as they got here. That's all she ever saw of him, him dominating all of my time after they arrived. Him calling me non-stop when I was at my place. Him planning out all of our days together never giving me anytime with my family. It got so bad, I was constantly frustrated and stressed out. My family didn't want to be around him. He didn't want to spend time at my place. It got so stressful for me.
> 
> I would pull my car into my garage after work, get into my house and my phone would ring. Then he'd keep me on the phone while I packed my bag to go to his house then keep me on the phone my entire drive out to his house, 25 minute drive. If I tried to get off the phone so I could spend a few minutes visiting with my family before I left he'd act hurt. My daughters boyfriend made a comment to my sister on one of these days after I left that I was gone way more than usual lately. My brother in law was watching all of this and told me later on he thought Tank was obsessed. Like Tank was doing everything he could to keep me all to himself and when Tank was at my place with all of us my bro in law said it seemed like Tank was marking his territory so to speak.
> 
> The final straw was on Mothers Day. I told him the day before I wanted to spend mothers day with my sister and my daughters. We woke up at his house Sunday morning and once again he had the entire day planned out for us. That's when it hit me for real that something was so damn wrong.
> 
> It's been almost two weeks since we broke up, no communication between us at all. It all happened so fast and we went from spending almost all of our time together to this. It's been a total shock to the system.
> 
> I look back on the last year and never saw any of this. My head is spinning. I feel like all of my relationships end in with so much drama. I've crawled under my rock and I'm gonna stay here for a good long time.




Damn...I’m so sorry. I had hope for you 


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## 3Xnocharm

Well damn @Not that just sucks. A little clingy is endearing but this sounds over the top. And how were you to see this coming. I’m so sorry to hear this. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Openminded

I’m sorry, Not. I felt your family moving in would be a major adjustment for him but I didn’t think it would be as difficult as it turned out to be. If he rethinks it, will you try again or are you done?


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## TXTrini

Not said:


> Tank and I are no longer together. I never would've guessed that my family moving in would have such a huge impact but it did. Everything took the most sudden bizarre turn.
> 
> Before my family came Tank and I were together pretty much all the time. He was dropping hints about me moving in and I was looking at our options as far as that goes. I thought we were going to make it for the long haul. It was always just him and I alone. We'd go out with friends or his brother every now and then but mostly it was just us. And things seemed so damn good. He was the most attentive BF, super sweet and so very much into me. Always wanted me by his side. He always made me feel so good about us.
> 
> But in the words of my sister he became "possessive and clingy". As soon as they got here. That's all she ever saw of him, him dominating all of my time after they arrived. Him calling me non-stop when I was at my place. Him planning out all of our days together never giving me anytime with my family. It got so bad, I was constantly frustrated and stressed out. My family didn't want to be around him. He didn't want to spend time at my place. It got so stressful for me.
> 
> I would pull my car into my garage after work, get into my house and my phone would ring. Then he'd keep me on the phone while I packed my bag to go to his house then keep me on the phone my entire drive out to his house, 25 minute drive. If I tried to get off the phone so I could spend a few minutes visiting with my family before I left he'd act hurt. My daughters boyfriend made a comment to my sister on one of these days after I left that I was gone way more than usual lately. My brother in law was watching all of this and told me later on he thought Tank was obsessed. Like Tank was doing everything he could to keep me all to himself and when Tank was at my place with all of us my bro in law said it seemed like Tank was marking his territory so to speak.
> 
> The final straw was on Mothers Day. I told him the day before I wanted to spend mothers day with my sister and my daughters. We woke up at his house Sunday morning and once again he had the entire day planned out for us. That's when it hit me for real that something was so damn wrong.
> 
> It's been almost two weeks since we broke up, no communication between us at all. It all happened so fast and we went from spending almost all of our time together to this. It's been a total shock to the system.
> 
> I look back on the last year and never saw any of this. My head is spinning. I feel like all of my relationships end in with so much drama. I've crawled under my rock and I'm gonna stay here for a good long time.


Oh Not  I'm so sorry. I thought you guys were doing so well. That dynamic does sound extremely unhealthy though, but I thought you _liked_ spending that much time together, what you describe sounds exhausting. It's a good thing your family came, I'm glad you have loving support now.

I don't blame you at all for needing a time out, that sounds so sudden. Wish I could pop by with some cookies and whiskey, here if you need a shoulder, hon.


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## Blondilocks

Dear @Not , please don't write him off just yet. He was acting out of fear of being pushed out of your life. Some discussion to put his mind at ease was in order. Reach out to him and see if you can get together for coffee and hammer this out.


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## Elizabeth001

Blondilocks said:


> Dear @Not , please don't write him off just yet. He was acting out of fear of being pushed out of your life. Some discussion to put his mind at ease was in order. Reach out to him and see if you can get together for coffee and hammer this out.


Yes...a good hammering just might fix it! Great idea Blondi 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Lila

@Not I'm so very sorry to hear about you and Tank. Do you think this behavior is his true self that he was hiding or do you think this is his 'breaking point' behavior?


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## TXTrini

Blondilocks said:


> Dear @Not , please don't write him off just yet. He was acting out of fear of being pushed out of your life. Some discussion to put his mind at ease was in order. Reach out to him and see if you can get together for coffee and hammer this out.





Lila said:


> @Not I'm so very sorry to hear about you and Tank. Do you think this behavior is his true self that he was hiding or do you think this is his 'breaking point' behavior?


I agree with Blondi and Lila, suppose he's just reacting instinctively? 

The cynic in me says people's true faces don't show until 2-3 yrs after the honeymoon period, but at the same time, we're human and sometimes we do/say stupid ****. I'm hoping you guys can think about things and make some concessions for each other to find equilibrium. You two sounded so happy


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## Openminded

Yeah, I’ve heard the first two or three years of a relationship referred to as a “romantic comedy” (with best face only) and then real life sets in.


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## Not

deleted


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## heartsbeating

I'm really sorry to hear this @Not


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## Openminded

There are people who want all of your time and energy and attention. I was once engaged to someone like that. No matter how much I gave, it just wasn’t enough. I couldn’t live my life that way so I eventually ended it. Your guy sounds somewhat similar. Maybe he’ll change at some point and decide compromise is better than nothing. My guy couldn’t — it was his way or the highway so, a little late, I hit the road.


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## Hopeful Cynic

There are testing points in every relationship. A relationship in which there are no stressors to deal with doesn't give you a full picture of the other person's personality. You have to date long enough to see how the other person handles adversity, or a crisis. He was great when he could monopolize you, but he just wasn't able to share your attention. This tells you loads about him, like his inability to be supportive if you had to focus on something other than him for a while, like work, or a sick family member. Or if you were ill, he might get annoyed that you weren't focused on him any more, but on yourself. Things like that. He failed the relationship at this testing point. He's selfish.

I'm not sure I'd give him another chance, despite Blondilocks' advice. He didn't fit in with your family and he behaved in a very controlling manner towards you because of their presence. I doubt he'll have some sort of epiphany about how awful that was and engage in lasting change.


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## Enigma32

Not said:


> Tank and I are no longer together. I never would've guessed that my family moving in would have such a huge impact but it did. Everything took the most sudden bizarre turn.
> 
> *Before my family came Tank and I were together pretty much all the time*. He was dropping hints about me moving in and I was looking at our options as far as that goes. I thought we were going to make it for the long haul. It was always just him and I alone. We'd go out with friends or his brother every now and then but mostly it was just us. And things seemed so damn good. He was the most attentive BF, super sweet and so very much into me. *Always wanted me by his side*. He always made me feel so good about us.
> 
> It's been almost two weeks since we broke up, no communication between us at all. It all happened so fast and *we went from spending almost all of our time together* to this. It's been a total shock to the system.
> 
> I look back on the last year and never saw any of this. My head is spinning. I feel like all of my relationships end in with so much drama. I've crawled under my rock and I'm gonna stay here for a good long time.


It sounds to me like what you guys had early on is the sort of relationship he wants. I think I can understand him a little. My ex wife was really tight with her family and she wanted to spend time with them a lot. On the other hand, I am not close with my family so I just don't live that sort of life. Being with someone and spending a lot of time with her family also holds very little appeal to me. Your guy Tank wants a GF that wants to be with him all the time and you kinda seem to want a guy that will fit in with your life and family. I don't think neither of you is wrong you just want different things. Either way, I hope things work out for you.


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## Not

Hopeful Cynic said:


> There are testing points in every relationship. A relationship in which there are no stressors to deal with doesn't give you a full picture of the other person's personality. You have to date long enough to see how the other person handles adversity, or a crisis. He was great when he could monopolize you, but he just wasn't able to share your attention. This tells you loads about him, like his inability to be supportive if you had to focus on something other than him for a while, like work, or a sick family member. Or if you were ill, he might get annoyed that you weren't focused on him any more, but on yourself. Things like that. He failed the relationship at this testing point. He's selfish.
> 
> I'm not sure I'd give him another chance, despite Blondilocks' advice. He didn't fit in with your family and he behaved in a very controlling manner towards you because of their presence. I doubt he'll have some sort of epiphany about how awful that was and engage in lasting change.


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## Hiner112

So, there's been another step in the dating progress.

I now have a last name for someone and a new Facebook friend (same person).

The messaging has been regular in the evenings and tends to be a lot more extensive than what I've heard about. Last night there was a funny exchange where we'd kind of talked about family deaths and drama and I asked about what her favorite part of that day was. Her response was basically this conversation with you because after the first date I just had, I needed a pick me up.

I have an outstanding question I didn't answer because at 1 this morning I had to tap out. My kid's school doesn't care that I'm busy sharing my life story with someone new online and is going to start at the same time regardless. Speaking of which I have to go pick them up.


----------



## Elizabeth001

Hiner112 said:


> So, there's been another step in the dating progress.
> 
> I now have a last name for someone and a new Facebook friend (same person).
> 
> The messaging has been regular in the evenings and tends to be a lot more extensive than what I've heard about. Last night there was a funny exchange where we'd kind of talked about family deaths and drama and I asked about what her favorite part of that day was. Her response was basically this conversation with you because after the first date I just had, I needed a pick me up.
> 
> I have an outstanding question I didn't answer because at 1 this morning I had to tap out. My kid's school doesn't care that I'm busy sharing my life story with someone new online and is going to start at the same time regardless. Speaking of which I have to go pick them up.


Be super careful about adding OLD people to your FB until you’ve known them for a bit. I have spent a couple of weeks jabbering with someone to only have some major deal breaker come up just before we decide to meet, or shortly thereafter. Not meaning to poop on your party...I’m cheering for you 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## TXTrini

Elizabeth001 said:


> Be super careful about adding OLD people to your FB until you’ve known them for a bit. I have spent a couple of weeks jabbering with someone to only have some major deal breaker come up just before we decide to meet, or shortly thereafter. Not meaning to poop on your party...I’m cheering for you
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


Yeah, I didn't add my bf until we'd been dating for 6 months. I did peek at his wayyyy before that though.


----------



## Hiner112

_shrug_ I get to live and learn, I guess. It wouldn't be the first time I made a mistake or had to unfriend someone.

It's probably more likely that I should remove some old high school classmates than her though, I think.


----------



## Numb26

LisaDiane said:


> So you would rather look good to yourself, even if it's a turn OFF for her...?


I do not know about anyone else but I workout to have the body that makes me happy, noone else


----------



## ccpowerslave

Numb26 said:


> I do not know about anyone else but I workout to have the body that makes me happy, noone else


Most people will fail anyway but I think if you’re doing it for someone else you’re almost doomed to fail eventually.

I remember getting into really good shape like fighting weight in college inspired by a nice young lady I liked. I hung out with her informally for a while but wasn’t at orbiter level. She didn’t really have obvious orbiters because she was smart and had a mean sense of humor.

I think she liked being around me because I played guitar and I had weed. She didn’t do drugs, but she liked that someone else was edgy. I smoked, drank, etc... like a very lame watered down white collar Lemmy.

Anyway she did it for me back then but she was out of my league in the looks department. So I pushed it as hard as I could. Didn’t make a dent.

It took a few years to descend back to crap level but it happened.


----------



## Numb26

ccpowerslave said:


> Most people will fail anyway but I think if you’re doing it for someone else you’re almost doomed to fail eventually.
> 
> I remember getting into really good shape like fighting weight in college inspired by a nice young lady I liked. I hung out with her informally for a while but wasn’t at orbiter level. She didn’t really have obvious orbiters because she was smart and had a mean sense of humor.
> 
> I think she liked being around me because I played guitar and I had weed. She didn’t do drugs, but she liked that someone else was edgy. I smoked, drank, etc... like a very lame watered down white collar Lemmy.
> 
> Anyway she did it for me back then but she was out of my league in the looks department. So I pushed it as hard as I could. Didn’t make a dent.
> 
> It took a few years to descend back to crap level but it happened.


I spent to many years at crap level! LOL True I may have started as a therapeutic outlet....Now I do it for myself and my health, the fact that I now have the body I do is just a plus.


----------



## heartsbeating

Hiner112 said:


> So, there's been another step in the dating progress.
> 
> I now have a last name for someone and a new Facebook friend (same person).
> 
> The messaging has been regular in the evenings and tends to be a lot more extensive than what I've heard about. Last night there was a funny exchange where we'd kind of talked about family deaths and drama and I asked about what her favorite part of that day was. Her response was basically this conversation with you because after the first date I just had, I needed a pick me up.
> 
> I have an outstanding question I didn't answer because at 1 this morning I had to tap out. My kid's school doesn't care that I'm busy sharing my life story with someone new online and is going to start at the same time regardless. Speaking of which I have to go pick them up.


I don't mean to put pressure on you... here comes the but ...BUT while that's sweet what she shared, you may end up in 'back-up safe-guy territory' unless you progress things forward. Don't be the one that 'picks her up' following a bad first date. Be the dude taking her on a brilliant first date. Good luck!


----------



## Hiner112

heartsbeating said:


> I don't mean to put pressure on you... here comes the but ...BUT while that's sweet what she shared, you may end up in 'back-up safe-guy territory' unless you progress things forward. Don't be the one that 'picks her up' following a bad first date. Be the dude taking her on a brilliant first date. Good luck!


It is a danger. So far she's made basically all of the "first steps" (like, first message, sharing last name, friend request) and if I don't participate or do my own "moving forward" or whatever she could lose interest. On the other hand things are moving about as fast as I am comfortable with. I have doubts about whether a relationship is practical because of distance and just the logistics of meeting given custody and work and whatnot.


----------



## Hiner112

Interesting conversation yesterday. I'm going to nickname her Major since she's a retired major.

Us at 10 PM:

Me: We're over an hour apart. If we tried to have a relationship, it probably wouldn't work out.

Major: I just got out of my first post-divorce relationship, I don't know if I want to be yours because it was so awkward.

Also us at 2 AM.

Me: My ex wasn't much into kissing because it was wet and gross.

Major: So, what you're saying is that you need lessons .


----------



## minimalME

Hiner112 said:


> Me: We're over an hour apart. If we tried to have a relationship, it probably wouldn't work out.


What type of woman are you looking for? Do you want someone aggressive? Someone who leads?

Just being honest (and not meant to be unkind), I can't picture a healthy person continuing to talk to you after you say something like this.

Why bother talking to someone who's an hour away if this is your thinking? Are you just passing the time?


----------



## tripad

TXTrini said:


> Chick, don't be discouraged. You know what you want, that's half the battle. It's up to you to stick to your guns and be ruthless in eliminating men who don't match you, regardless of their reasons.
> 
> You don't need to be an ass about it, but just like men don't owe women a relationship, women don't owe men sex. It's simply a matter of running through the bros until you find that one man who wants similar things who does it for you mentally, physically and emotionally.
> 
> Don't waste time on wishy-washy half-assers, gamer-players or duds. Yes, there's lots of dross out there, but how else can you appreciate your golden nugget when you find him? And you will if you keep putting yourself out there.


Hey TXTrini

I disappeared for a while . I was discouraged , and thanks for lifting me up again . It helps .

Anyway I did put myself out there like you say and just screen off those who are after quick sex or let them screen me off when I made myself clear .


----------



## Hiner112

minimalME said:


> What type of woman are you looking for? Do you want someone aggressive? Someone who leads?
> 
> Just being honest (and not meant to be unkind), I can't picture a healthy person continuing to talk to you after you say something like this.
> 
> Why bother talking to someone who's an hour away if this is your thinking? Are you just passing the time?


We both like each other's personality but we're not blind to the potential problems.

We're both kind of trying to decide if we are just passing time or if we want to pursue it further.


----------



## tripad

Hi , advice please . I have been talking to a man for a month online now . We connected and he wanted to meet . He has been separated for 3 years and he said divorce will happen . Anyway we are meeting as a friend and I made known that I will not be in any sexual relationship with a separated man . 

Anyway he wanted to meet in his place for coffee . I suggested a picnic and perhaps that is a bad suggestion as it could involve too much time in case things doesnt turn out well . He said coffee first . At his place as there is covid lockdown and we cant drink in public places . 

Is it safe ?


----------



## minimalME

tripad said:


> Is it safe ?


I would counter with coffee in a public place. That's a very reasonable request. If he resists you on this, I'd move on, if it were me.


----------



## Blondilocks

Hiner112 said:


> We both like each other's personality but we're not blind to the potential problems.
> 
> We're both kind of trying to decide if we are just passing time or if we want to pursue it further.


It's a good thing you don't live in Southern CA. It can take many people an hour to get to work. An hour to travel to see a love interest? A piece of cake.


----------



## tripad

minimalME said:


> I would counter with coffee in a public place. That's a very reasonable request. If he resists you on this, I'd move on, if it were me.


covid lockdown no public drinking places are open .


----------



## tripad

We can drink and walk in a park with distancing .


----------



## minimalME

tripad said:


> We can drink and walk in a park with distancing .


Yes - this is a better solution than going to his house.


----------



## tripad

minimalME said:


> Yes - this is a better solution than going to his house.


I guess if he insists on his place or won’t meet me . He is probably after sex ?


----------



## minimalME

tripad said:


> I guess if he insists on his place or won’t meet me . He is probably after sex ?


It doesn't matter.

Your priority is protecting yourself - not figuring out the motives of a total stranger.


----------



## AVR1962

minimalME said:


> It doesn't matter.
> 
> Your priority is protecting yourself - not figuring out the motives of a total stranger.


It is so sad that women have to be on their guard this way constantly, it is hard to know what is sincere!


----------



## TXTrini

tripad said:


> Hey TXTrini
> 
> I disappeared for a while . I was discouraged , and thanks for lifting me up again . It helps .
> 
> Anyway I did put myself out there like you say and just screen off those who are after quick sex or let them screen me off when I made myself clear .


Hey there! Great to see you venturing out again! That's what we're here for hon, to encourage, embolden, uplift. If it weren't for the folks here on TAM, I might be a sorry mess of a person waiting for life to happen. 

Be safe with this new guy! Please meet up in the park and pay good attention to your instincts.


----------



## RebuildingMe

tripad said:


> I guess if he insists on his place or won’t meet me . He is probably after sex ?


Oh lord. What is so wrong with sex between consenting adults. I’ll never understand it. He may want sex so let’s cancel and send him to the leper colony


----------



## Lila

tripad said:


> I guess if he insists on his place or won’t meet me . He is probably after sex ?


Yes, and unless you are comfortable with having sex on your first meeting, then I recommend you meet this guy in a public space.


----------



## Blondilocks

RebuildingMe said:


> Oh lord. What is so wrong with sex between consenting adults. I’ll never understand it. He may want sex so let’s cancel and send him to the leper colony


Or, he may want to cut off her head and wear it as a hat like Garland Greene. 

If she is going to make house calls delivering bootay to lonely strangers, she can at least charge for it.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Blondilocks said:


> Or, he may want to cut off her head and wear it as a hat like Garland Greene.
> 
> If she is going to make house calls delivering bootay to lonely strangers, she can at least charge for it.


So because he suggested to meet at his place he wanted a booty call or he wanted her head in his freezer? Nonsense I say.


----------



## LisaDiane

RebuildingMe said:


> So because he suggested to meet at his place he wanted a booty call or he wanted her head in his freezer? Nonsense I say.


But you are not SURE...and that's the key point.


----------



## ccpowerslave

Trying to think of when my wife first went to my apartment, thinking maybe second date. She was impressed that my apartment was clean to military standards but not impressed with the contents of my fridge (a few Budweiser bottles and French’s mustard). No head chopping or freezer for her. I did want to have sex with her but I think it was probably another couple weeks.


----------



## LisaDiane

ccpowerslave said:


> Trying to think of when my wife first went to my apartment, thinking maybe second date. She was impressed that my apartment was clean to military standards but not impressed with the contents of my fridge (a few Budweiser bottles and French’s mustard). No head chopping or freezer for her. I did want to have sex with her but I think it was probably another couple weeks.


I like to explain it for men like THIS...would you get into an enclosed space with a gorilla, if he seemed nice and friendly, but you didn't know if he was tame or not? And if there was no one else around?

Would you consider that prudent in regards to your own safety??

Edited to add @RebuildingMe because I wonder what HIS response will be...


----------



## ccpowerslave

LisaDiane said:


> I like to explain it for men like THIS...would you get into an enclosed space with a gorilla, if he seemed nice and friendly, but you didn't know if he was tame or not? And if there was no one else around?
> 
> Would you consider that prudent in regards to your own safety??


No I totally get it. I’m very concerned for my wife’s safety at all times and it’s usually impossible to tell if someone is a creep, except for me, I am fine. But I mean for most people yes I get it.

I don’t like her trips to the office post Covid because there are not enough people around and there are random dudes out there. I have gone with her a couple times if I didn’t have to work just to act as security.


----------



## ccpowerslave

LisaDiane said:


> I like to explain it for men like THIS...would you get into an enclosed space with a gorilla, if he seemed nice and friendly, but you didn't know if he was tame or not? And if there was no one else around?
> 
> Would you consider that prudent in regards to your own safety??


The other thing that came to mind with this analogy was poor Harambe. All he wanted to do was have a grab and a drag and they killed him for it.


----------



## heartsbeating

ccpowerslave said:


> Trying to think of when my wife first went to my apartment, thinking maybe second date. She was impressed that my apartment was clean to military standards but not impressed with the contents of my fridge (a few Budweiser bottles and French’s mustard). No head chopping or freezer for her. I did want to have sex with her but I think it was probably another couple weeks.


I’m typically about safety. Yet I did briefly go to Batman’s flat on our first date. We’d been running errands after our planned lunch date, continued hanging out, collected his dry-cleaning and such haha. He had plans to go out with his friends that night but wanted to continue our date instead - with dinner and movie. He wanted to drop his stuff off, quickly change, and tell his friends he wouldn’t be joining them. I didn’t feel uneasy vibes about it; yet it was against what I’d normally do. Back then, no doubt I would have called my mother from a pay-phone to tell her where I was going and what we were doing, just as a courtesy more than anything. He was sharing the flat and a few friends were already there. They tried to convince him to still go out with them and me to join them. He declined this. When he went off to quickly change his shirt, his buddy was jovially hitting on me and Batman returned and told him to back off - and then took my hand and said he was taking me to dinner.

I also made it clear from the start that I wasn’t about casual sex. That wasn’t to ‘make him wait’ rather, it was about me feeling trust and to feel ready within myself to share that with him. Each to their own.


----------



## Blondilocks

I went to my husband's home on our first date - to meet his parents.


----------



## heartsbeating

Blondilocks said:


> I went to my husband's home on our first date - to meet his parents.


How was that?


----------



## Enigma32

RebuildingMe said:


> So because he suggested to meet at his place he wanted a booty call or he wanted her head in his freezer? Nonsense I say.


Brother, you must be completely out of the loop when it comes to dating. It's pretty much an unspoken rule among adults that invites back to his/her place means sex is now on the table, and you don't accept such invites unless you feel the same way. That's adult dating 101.


----------



## Openminded

When I was in college in the Dark Ages, a male acquaintance gave me a ride back to campus one afternoon. On the way, he mentioned needing to pick up something from his apartment. I planned to wait in his car but he came up with some “reason” for me to go inside and, naive girl that I apparently was, I went. As soon as we got inside, he grabbed me. I slapped the * out of him and told him I would stab him if he touched me again (which was a ridiculous threat since I only carried a baby Swiss Army knife). He immediately took me back to campus and was very civil whenever we ran into each other after that. He did, however, take the opportunity at some point to trash me by telling several of his fraternity brothers that I had had sex with him. I later learned he had a habit of doing that to freshman girls (he was in law school so several years older than me). You never know.


----------



## Hiner112

I do think there's at least the possibility that someone inviting you to their house is _actually_ asking if you want to have sex. There's nothing stopping the person invited to set expectations otherwise though by stating how they feel. Something like, "I could go to a date at your place but I feel like that you would expect something to happen that isn't going to happen." or "I know you well enough to feel safe meeting you at your place but I am not ready for sex." He'd probably still hope that she'd change her mind though.

There is a 100% chance that he's going to think about sex during the date. Full stop. It doesn't actually matter what you are doing on the date or where it is. The date being at one of your houses would make sex more convenient and so it might be more at the forefront but it wouldn't be absent somewhere else.

Treating your date as attractive isn't a problem. Thinking about sex isn't a problem. Feeling entitled to sex or her body is. I gather entitled men are a problem. Having encountered entitled men, some women would want to avoid situations where they would be inadvertently encouraging bad behavior or raise vain hopes. Dates and even first dates could still happen at someone's house but the conditions and people would have to be just right. She'd have to feel safe and confident in him. He'd have to have self control and the right kind of personality.

A lot of the problems women have with the situation wouldn't apply in my case because I'm average woman/girl size. I probably don't come across any more threatening than they do so the worry about threats / force are pretty minimal.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Enigma32 said:


> Brother, you must be completely out of the loop when it comes to dating. It's pretty much an unspoken rule among adults that invites back to his/her place means sex is now on the table, and you don't accept such invites unless you feel the same way. That's adult dating 101.


I think he was asking to _meet_ at his place, not invite her _back_ to his place. There is a difference. But I get on a site like this everyone is so jaded they expect the worst out of people.


----------



## tripad

RebuildingMe said:


> I think he was asking to _meet_ at his place, not invite her _back_ to his place. There is a difference. But I get on a site like this everyone is so jaded they expect the worst out of people.


Yes , you are right . He invited me to his place , not back to his place .

Having read all the advices and opinions , trying to think out of the box , what advice would I tell my daughter if she tells me the same scenario .

With just a photo and online chat , no name , no telephone number , I think it is putting myself at risk .

Even though he may be a high level professional staying in a nice place , there is always the possibility of drugging the woman so it appears to be consensual sex . 

Even though I made clear sex is not on the table , I do not trust a stranger's reply that he understood me . 

Finally , what is wrong with just a walk outside if he really want to meet me .

Of course , it crosses my mind that he is separated and not divorced so he may not want to be seen walking a woman in the park yet . So I told him we can have coffee when the Covid lockdown is over in a month . There is no rush .


----------



## Openminded

I think you’re wise to be cautious. The law student who grabbed me in his apartment went on to be a very powerful politician in the state we both grew up in. Maybe he changed for the better in the decades since that incident and maybe he didn’t (I say he likely didn’t). But he taught me not to be quite as naive as I had been before and that was a very good lesson to remember.


----------



## tripad

Hi , anyway , I offered a picnic very nicely . He prefers coffee at his place .

That night , I had no choice but to state plainly that I prefer a meeting in a public place , any place , is ok .

He did not reply to that and I thought that he would most likely swipe me off like all the others .

But he replied the next noon , just talking like usual with no mention of the meet up .

So we just continue chatting like there was never the meetup issue . I must say our communication flows well , although he seems the quieter person while I am the chatty one .

I am just puzzled what is this guy looking for ? My gf said he was just communicating out of boredom , it has been a month of texting ( 2.5 weeks on weekends , escalating to 1.5 weeks of daily texts , all lasting throughout the day , but of course with hours apart at times while we are both working ) and he said that he only texts playfully and flirtatiously to me . He has since stopped messages suggesting of sex since the day I mentioned I am not comfortable going to his place , with the amount of playful sex talks . Nothing wrong with sex talks , just that we don't know each other well enough yet .

My gf is fine with the casual sex and has them regularly and told me most guys don't text this much without a meetup and sex by this time . So we are both baffled .

Anyway , I am fine with just texting for now since the communication is always fun and engaging and I am not rushing for any relationship . I just wanted to screen thoroughly for one that will last . No unnecessary heart breaks .


----------



## tripad

Openminded said:


> I think you’re wise to be cautious. The law student who grabbed me in his apartment went on to be a very powerful politician in the state we both grew up in. Maybe he changed for the better in the decades since that incident and maybe he didn’t (I say he likely didn’t). But he taught me not to be quite as naive as I had been before and that was a very good lesson to remember.


Powerful politician ? Hopefully , he finds willing partners and not force himself on unwilling ones .

Yes , I prefer to err on the side of caution . I have a male friend who was invited to a male client's place , beer and snack , and the client (40+ years old then) raped my friend (28 years old then) . My guy friend was just sharing me this at 40+ years old confiding to me his sexual orientation and all the years of trauma . 

Never wrong to be careful .

If a man cannot respect that , I don't think he will be a nice bf or husband to have . So it is ok if he swipe me off .


----------



## Openminded

tripad said:


> Powerful politician ? Hopefully , he finds willing partners and not force himself on unwilling ones .
> 
> Yes , I prefer to err on the side of caution . I have a male friend who was invited to a male client's place , beer and snack , and the client (40+ years old then) raped my friend (28 years old then) . My guy friend was just sharing me this at 40+ years old confiding to me his sexual orientation and all the years of trauma .
> 
> Never wrong to be careful .
> 
> If a man cannot respect that , I don't think he will be a nice bf or husband to have . So it is ok if he swipe me off .


I’ve sometimes wondered if he ever moved beyond targeting 18 year old girls in his many decades of power. Apparently, there had been a number of them before me. I stopped being so trusting that day. Caution is always good.


----------



## heartsbeating

Openminded said:


> When I was in college in the Dark Ages, a male acquaintance gave me a ride back to campus one afternoon. On the way, he mentioned needing to pick up something from his apartment. I planned to wait in his car but came up with some “reason” for me to go inside and, naive girl that I apparently was, I went. As soon as we got inside, he grabbed me. I slapped the * out of him and told him I would stab him if he touched me again (which was a ridiculous threat since I only carried a baby Swiss Army knife). He immediately took me back to campus and was very civil whenever we ran into each other after that. He did, however, take the opportunity at some point to trash me by telling several of his fraternity brothers that I had had sex with him. I later learned he had a habit of doing that to freshman girls (he was in law school so several years older than me). You never know.


I'm glad you stood up to him and was okay.

I don't view being careful and having an awareness of safety as being jaded. I'd just consider it as balancing risk.

Typically, most women have either encountered similar, or know someone that has.

A friend that willingly had casual sex with a guy that she'd just started dating, ended up with him becoming unexpectedly violent and roughed her up; she had to call the police, bruises over her body. I mean, this stuff does happen. Add to that scenarios such as unknowingly being recorded while having sex. However..!! That doesn't equate to the majority of men, of course not, yet the potential risk needs to be weighed.


----------



## Blondilocks

heartsbeating said:


> How was that?


They passed - they weren't on drugs or drunk, the house was clean and Dad was employed.


----------



## tripad

tripad said:


> Hi , anyway , I offered a picnic very nicely . He prefers coffee at his place .
> 
> That night , I had no choice but to state plainly that I prefer a meeting in a public place , any place , is ok .
> 
> He did not reply to that and I thought that he would most likely swipe me off like all the others .
> 
> But he replied the next noon , just talking like usual with no mention of the meet up .
> 
> So we just continue chatting like there was never the meetup issue . I must say our communication flows well , although he seems the quieter person while I am the chatty one .
> 
> I am just puzzled what is this guy looking for ? My gf said he was just communicating out of boredom , it has been a month of texting ( 2.5 weeks on weekends , escalating to 1.5 weeks of daily texts , all lasting throughout the day , but of course with hours apart at times while we are both working ) and he said that he only texts playfully and flirtatiously to me . He has since stopped messages suggesting of sex since the day I mentioned I am not comfortable going to his place , with the amount of playful sex talks . Nothing wrong with sex talks , just that we don't know each other well enough yet .
> 
> My gf is fine with the casual sex and has them regularly and told me most guys don't text this much without a meetup and sex by this time . So we are both baffled .
> 
> Anyway , I am fine with just texting for now since the communication is always fun and engaging and I am not rushing for any relationship . I just wanted to screen thoroughly for one that will last . No unnecessary heart breaks .


Can someone give me an insight ?

This guy continue to text me like his long time girlfriend/wife , seriously my ex husband doesn't even text me this way but I guess that's why he is ex .

He will text daily . If he was really busy , he will text at the end of workday , telling me how busy/exhausted/hungry he was . And asked what I was doing . And he replies my text rather instantly with short messages and later , when I asked , explained he was in a meeting . He will always asked what I am doing as well throughout the day as well . on weekends , the text is pretty much throughout the day , updating our activities and chatting .

However , we have not meet , as mentioned above . He will always say things like let's catch a movie one day and other things suggesting of a future relationship . 

Is he interested in me ? Is he texting me out of boredom ?

I am wondering . 

He is texting me more than my ex ever texted


----------



## ccpowerslave

The dude sounds needy.


----------



## Hiner112

tripad said:


> Can someone give me an insight ?
> 
> This guy continue to text me like his long time girlfriend/wife , seriously my ex husband doesn't even text me this way but I guess that's why he is ex .
> 
> He will text daily . If he was really busy , he will text at the end of workday , telling me how busy/exhausted/hungry he was . And asked what I was doing . And he replies my text rather instantly with short messages and later , when I asked , explained he was in a meeting . He will always asked what I am doing as well throughout the day as well . on weekends , the text is pretty much throughout the day , updating our activities and chatting .
> 
> However , we have not meet , as mentioned above . He will always say things like let's catch a movie one day and other things suggesting of a future relationship .
> 
> Is he interested in me ? Is he texting me out of boredom ?
> 
> I am wondering .
> 
> He is texting me more than my ex ever texted


It could be any number of things.

I'm messaging someone a lot (for me) and we haven't met yet.

Part of the reason is that it is a novel experience. She seems interested in what I say and we've bonded over common experiences. We both see potential issues with a relationship so we're taking it slow in terms of meeting and whatnot. Right now, it is comfortable and safe for both of us partially due to the distance. I'm talking to her as the first woman post-divorce and I'm #2 for her after a 5 month relationship after her divorce.

I think about her a lot during the day but I know intellectually that it is likely rebound hormones at work. I'm not malicious or selfish or whatever. I legitimately like talking to her and would want to see her but that will come in its own time.


----------



## tripad

Hiner112 said:


> We both see potential issues with a relationship so we're taking it slow in terms of meeting and whatnot. Right now, it is comfortable and safe for both


I made clear that I don't wish to venture beyond friendship as he is separated ( though for years ) but legally married .

He acknowledged that he wouldn't and can't mess with me . 

So , the temptation to meet is there for movie , etc , as it is sometimes mentioned , but always with reference to sometime in the future .

Of course , I am always careful and guarded , in case , it is a fake that the divorce is coming up . I don't wish to be taken for a ride .


----------



## heartsbeating

Blondilocks said:


> They passed - they weren't on drugs or drunk, the house was clean and Dad was employed.


Annddddd… how old were you / OR what year was this? I bet you made a smashing impression on them. Good thing they passed your criteria 🥰


----------



## Blondilocks

heartsbeating said:


> Annddddd… how old were you / OR what year was this? I bet you made a smashing impression on them. Good thing they passed your criteria 🥰


It was November,1967 and I had just turned 17. The criteria was my Mom's - she was rather strict and protective. Now, it's your turn - just where do you live?


----------



## Andy1001

Blondilocks said:


> They passed - they weren't on drugs or drunk, the house was clean and Dad was employed.


The first time I met my wife’s parents I was kinda nervous as I had never stayed in a relationship long enough to meet the parents before. 
When I was introduced to her Dad I thought he looked familiar. 
He was.
He worked for me!


----------



## heartsbeating

Blondilocks said:


> It was November,1967 and I had just turned 17. The criteria was my Mom's - she was rather strict and protective. Now, it's your turn - just where do you live?


…in the bat-cave, in your imagination, in-between these lines? 😲 😉


----------



## heartsbeating

Andy1001 said:


> The first time I met my wife’s parents I was kinda nervous as I had never stayed in a relationship long enough to meet the parents before.
> When I was introduced to her Dad I thought he looked familiar.
> He was.
> He worked for me!


Bwahahah


----------



## heartsbeating

Batman met my mother when he dropped me home after our first date. He met my father a few months in, I think, and Batman accidentally spilled orange juice on my father’s shirt. I still laugh about it to this day. Heck, I’m laughing now..! My father has a large ‘presence’ while being a man of few words, so basically he didn’t try to reassure Ole Bats about the OJ that accidentally made its way to his shirt. 😆. Ya probably had to be there. I likely didn’t help with busting out laughing. Classic moment.

I was quite awkward and nervous meeting his mother the first time; particularly as the conversation seemed to gravitate to the inhumane things the Brits had done to her ancestors.


----------



## heartsbeating

Blondilocks said:


> It was November,1967 and I had just turned 17. The criteria was my Mom's - she was rather strict and protective. Now, it's your turn - just where do you live?


By the way, thank you for sharing this 😍 and can I push the friendship slightly and ask what year you got married?


----------



## Blondilocks

heartsbeating said:


> By the way, thank you for sharing this 😍 and can I push the friendship slightly and ask what year you got married?


Only if you tell me on which continent you reside. I'm easy; but, I'm not cheap.


----------



## Hiner112

When I met my ex's parents we had been dating a month or two. By the time my ex got back from our first date her parents knew a lot more about me than she did because of the church spy network. Good friends of her parents had grown up as neighbors to my parents and so my background check was both easy and thorough. Her parents liked me more that she did after the first date. A lot more.

When I went to go eat the meal at her place, her mom had made pork chops. At least I think they were. Medium sized discs of charred meat. I tried one bite but couldn't handle the charcoal so I turned the meat up on its side and shaved off the burnt layer on the top and bottom to get to the tough and dry edible inner core. Her dad thought it was hilarious. Her mom less so.


----------



## heartsbeating

Blondilocks said:


> Only if you tell me on which continent you reside. I'm easy; but, I'm not cheap.


LOL!!

I’ll share that I do indeed have an accent. 😛. …If I can’t message you, then I can neither confirm or deny the bat-cave location. You’re a savvy lady though.


----------



## heartsbeating

Hiner112 said:


> When I met my ex's parents we had been dating a month or two. By the time my ex got back from our first date her parents knew a lot more about me than she did because of the church spy network. Good friends of her parents had grown up as neighbors to my parents and so my background check was both easy and thorough. Her parents liked me more that she did after the first date. A lot more.
> 
> When I went to go eat the meal at her place, her mom had made pork chops. At least I think they were. Medium sized discs of charred meat. I tried one bite but couldn't handle the charcoal so I turned the meat up on its side and shaved off the burnt layer on the top and bottom to get to the tough and dry edible inner core. Her dad thought it was hilarious. Her mom less so.


The pork chops / meal is hilarious!

After a short while dating, Bats told my mother she sounded like Pauline off East Enders 🤣. She was so offended..! He didn’t mean to offend her, and in reality she doesn’t, but I took an intake of breath as a gasp and then bust out laughing.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Keeping my mouth shut and not going back down that road. Deleted post.


----------



## Lila

I have said this before but men don't want to date me but they sure love being my friend. WTF?? It's because I have hot friends 🤣


----------



## Hiner112

By the way thanks for being volunteer counselors.

So I've had another WTF experience.

For context I was 2 hours away for work and the kids had spent the day with the ex and I've only heard the description second hand.

Last Monday my youngest was asked by my ex to change what she was wearing because it wasn't appropriate for what they were going to. My child told her mother that she needed a better reason than that and walked away. Escalation obviously occurred. The ex pushed or grabbed the youngest and got in her face and let her know that as long as she was in her house she'd listen to her mother. If my youngest wasn't going to change out of the dress when asked, maybe she didn't need it.

On Wednesday my oldest had a counseling appointment.

On Thursday we got a call from CPS and we had to go discuss the incident. From the description that the agent got from everyone, they were not really concerned but we'd have to get home visits before he could close the case. This would have to happen sometime in the next 60 days.

My ex kind of freaked out because as a nurse her license could be at risk because of CPS complaints / cases. I figured from this that until the case was closed / resolved I would essentially be a single parent and then we'd go back to "normal".

I said something about going back to normal today. Her response was, "I'm not sure I feel safe having the youngest here with me. I feel bullied by my children and I can't be a parent in that situation. They want to use different names and I'm not going to do it. They want to use different pronouns and I'm not going to do that either. I'm just not. If that means that they're not going to talk to me anymore, oh well. I'm still their mother and I'm not going to let them tell me what to do."

I realize we're only a week removed from what can be a scary experience and emotions are probably still pretty high but holy ****.

So, I guess I might be a legit single parent even when the current crisis is over.


----------



## Lila

Hiner112 said:


> By the way thanks for being volunteer counselors.
> 
> So I've had another WTF experience.
> 
> For context I was 2 hours away for work and the kids had spent the day with the ex and I've only heard the description second hand.
> 
> Last Monday my youngest was asked by my ex to change what she was wearing because it wasn't appropriate for what they were going to. My child told her mother that she needed a better reason than that and walked away. Escalation obviously occurred. The ex pushed or grabbed the youngest and got in her face and let her know that as long as she was in her house she'd listen to her mother. If my youngest wasn't going to change out of the dress when asked, maybe she didn't need it.
> 
> On Wednesday my oldest had a counseling appointment.
> 
> On Thursday we got a call from CPS and we had to go discuss the incident. From the description that the agent got from everyone, they were not really concerned but we'd have to get home visits before he could close the case. This would have to happen sometime in the next 60 days.
> 
> My ex kind of freaked out because as a nurse her license could be at risk because of CPS complaints / cases. I figured from this that until the case was closed / resolved I would essentially be a single parent and then we'd go back to "normal".
> 
> I said something about going back to normal today. Her response was, "I'm not sure I feel safe having the youngest here with me. I feel bullied by my children and I can't be a parent in that situation. They want to use different names and I'm not going to do it. They want to use different pronouns and I'm not going to do that either. I'm just not. If that means that they're not going to talk to me anymore, oh well. I'm still their mother and I'm not going to let them tell me what to do."
> 
> I realize we're only a week removed from what can be a scary experience and emotions are probably still pretty high but holy ****.
> 
> So, I guess I might be a legit single parent even when the current crisis is over.


Yikes! So who reported to CPS? The counselor? Or your youngest? 

For what it's worth, I don't necessarily agree with the pushing or shoving of the kid but I AM in agreement with your wife. I know that it sucks for you but there is no way that I would allow my kid to bully me into letting him do whatever the freak he felt like doing. If my kid would have told me to find "a better reason" for telling him to change his clothes (or whatever), you better believe he would not have liked my response or the consequences.


----------



## Hiner112

Lila said:


> Yikes! So who reported to CPS? The counselor? Or your youngest?
> 
> For what it's worth, I don't necessarily agree with the pushing or shoving of the kid but I AM in agreement with your wife. I know that it sucks for you but there is no way that I would allow my kid to bully me into letting him do whatever the freak he felt like doing. If my kid would have told me to find "a better reason" for telling him to change his clothes (or whatever), you better believe he would not have liked my response or the consequences.


The CPS report would have come from the counselor. 

The biggest irony is that my youngest is darn near a clone of my ex just with different opinions. They both don't let conflict go and don't do a good job of understanding other perspectives. Neither one is ever going to compromise at all with the other and will rarely use tact.

Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk


----------



## WandaJ

Hiner112 said:


> The CPS report would have come from the counselor.
> 
> The biggest irony is that my youngest is darn near a clone of my ex just with different opinions. They both don't let conflict go and don't do a good job of understanding other perspectives. Neither one is ever going to compromise at all with the other and will rarely use tact.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk


That’s sad that your ex and kids are losing their connection. That’s what’s happening with my ex and our kids, he kind of lost them in the last year. Now he is trying to repair their relationship but it’s rocky. His style is too authoritarian.


----------



## WandaJ

It seems that I have a different attitude towards my dating. After being in one relationship for 27 years, I am not really in a hurry into the new one. I am enjoying my freedom and my sexual freedom and if there is a connection I don’t mind sex on first date.
right now I am meeting someone and it’s basically for sex. We both are busy in our lives and this is what we need. I recently bought house, now going through remodeling, my day job, searching for car for two teenagers, etc. We feel comfortable with each other, we respect each other, we both have high drive and like each other company. But I know this will never evolve into romantic relationship and that’s fine. For now it works.


----------



## Personal

Good for you @WandaJ, I'm glad you are enjoying yourself, living life on your own terms. And thumbs up on the house.

Also for what it's worth, you're certainly not alone in feeling that way.


----------



## WandaJ

Personal said:


> Good for you @WandaJ, I'm glad you are enjoying yourself, living life on your own terms. And thumbs up on the house.
> 
> Also for what it's worth, you're certainly not alone in feeling that way.


Thank you @Personal !


----------



## AVR1962

Yesterday a girlfriend of mine sent me pictures of my exhusband with a new girlfriend. He and I have been divorced 5 years. These were social media pictures where he gave her flowers and she captioned that some guys are so sweet, they were on the plane together in one picture and doing a flight of beer for tasting in another pic. Seeing him did not phase me. He has lost weight so obviously he is feeling better about himself. I do wish him happiness and hope he truly is in love. Seeing the pictures brought back so many memories though, it was incredible, something I was not anticipating. The hurt, the betrayal, the good times, and I started questioning myself as to whether I tried hard enough. This man just was not available to me and the kids in so many ways. It was like he wanted to live the bachelor life inside the marriage but he was not loving. Sure I got flowers, got jewelry too but that was just it.....gifts but no emotional support, he did not try to spend time with us. He was too busy chasing other women and caught up majorly in porn, heavy drinker. I stayed until the last child was ready to go to college and then it was my time to go. I felt sorry for the naive woman he is with thinking those flowers were sweet. This man doesn't know how to treat a woman.


----------



## WandaJ

AVR1962 said:


> I started questioning myself as to whether I tried hard enough.


Yes, you did enough. And you are better off without him. Enjoy your life and be happy he is not part of it anymore.

Few days ago I saw the meme saying: one person's prince is someone else's donkey....


----------



## 342693

I think that's what most of us dread...seeing our ex with someone else. But life is short and the view is much better through the windshield than the rear view mirror


----------



## ccpowerslave

SCDad01 said:


> But life is short and the view is much better through the windshield than the rear view mirror


That goes directly against what I learned from the Tupac classic “Starin’ Through My Rearview”. In particular this part:



> I'm seein nothing but my dreams coming true
> While I'm staring at the world through my rearview


----------



## TXTrini

SCDad01 said:


> I think that's what most of us dread...seeing our ex with someone else. * But life is short and the view is much better through the windshield than the rear view mirror *


Not us BS, we expect that. 

I totally agree with you. That's why I wasted no time in getting on with living. We can drop dead any day, I'd rather be happy than miserable.


----------



## Lila

TXTrini said:


> Not us BS, we expect that.
> 
> I totally agree with you. That's why I wasted no time in getting on with living. We can drop dead any day, I'd rather be happy than miserable.


----------



## WandaJ

SCDad01 said:


> I think that's what most of us dread...seeing our ex with someone else. But life is short and the view is much better through the windshield than the rear view mirror


I have to say that was the opposite for me. It was relief, another proof that things are going to go my way


----------



## RebuildingMe

WandaJ said:


> It seems that I have a different attitude towards my dating. After being in one relationship for 27 years, I am not really in a hurry into the new one. I am enjoying my freedom and my sexual freedom and if there is a connection I don’t mind sex on first date.
> right now I am meeting someone and it’s basically for sex. We both are busy in our lives and this is what we need. I recently bought house, now going through remodeling, my day job, searching for car for two teenagers, etc. We feel comfortable with each other, we respect each other, we both have high drive and like each other company. But I know this will never evolve into romantic relationship and that’s fine. For now it works.


What a breath of fresh air. Don’t be a tightwad that protects sex like it’s some golden commodity…because it’s really not. Go take what’s best for you, Wanda!


----------



## TXTrini

RebuildingMe said:


> What a breath of fresh air. Don’t be a tightwad that protects sex like it’s some golden commodity…because it’s really not. Go take what’s best for you, Wanda!


Waiting for all the women can't bond anymore b/c they are too casual... followed by I'ma save my precious **** for top-tier under 5 partner women... then I can't get laid brah, need some sexual socialism
🍿


----------



## Elizabeth001

TXTrini said:


> Waiting for all the women can't bond anymore b/c they are too casual... followed by I'ma save my precious **** for top-tier under 5 partner women... then I can't get laid brah, need some sexual socialism


No kidding. Ya can’t win 

Read a post earlier for someone advising maybe to not be so loose so soon…guy only sees you as fun to be with…not the caliber of woman to settle down with. Then jump to another thread that says gotta give it up by the third date. Then how you aren’t supposed to put “not looking for a hook up” on your dating profile to another thread that says if your numbers are high, you can’t make the long run.

Me thinks there is a lot of triggering, bitterness and blame floating around lately. Maybe time for me to move on too.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## RebuildingMe

Elizabeth001 said:


> No kidding. Ya can’t win
> 
> Read a post earlier for someone advising maybe to not be so loose so soon…guy only sees you as fun to be with…not the caliber of woman to settle down with. Then jump to another thread that says gotta give it up by the third date. Then how you aren’t supposed to put “not looking for a hook up” on your dating profile to another thread that says if your numbers are high, you can’t make the long run.
> 
> Me thinks there is a lot of triggering, bitterness and blame floating around lately. Maybe time for me to move on too.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


No, not really. Just don’t use sex as a commodity to manipulate the relationship. You jump in when you feel the water’s fine, not when you think you’ve bled him dry enough.


----------



## Lila

TXTrini said:


> Waiting for all the women can't bond anymore b/c they are too casual... followed by I'ma save my precious **** for top-tier under 5 partner women... then I can't get laid brah, need some sexual socialism
> 🍿





Elizabeth001 said:


> No kidding. Ya can’t win
> 
> Read a post earlier for someone advising maybe to not be so loose so soon…guy only sees you as fun to be with…not the caliber of woman to settle down with. Then jump to another thread that says gotta give it up by the third date. Then how you aren’t supposed to put “not looking for a hook up” on your dating profile to another thread that says if your numbers are high, you can’t make the long run.
> 
> Me thinks there is a lot of triggering, bitterness and blame floating around lately. Maybe time for me to move on too.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk



And if you don't settle for whatever comes your way, then you're unable to commit. 🙄

There really is no winning because there are no rules. Do whatever feels right to you @Elizabeth001. You didn't ask my advice but I'm going to give it to you anyways. If you choose to go down the road of online dating then remember that this is just a way to expose you to people that you probably wouldn't have been exposed to the traditional way. 
1. It's a numbers game. Talk to everyone whose profile seems like a good match. 

2. Meet face to face for a quick coffee or drink as soon as possible. Don't waste time messaging for days or weeks before deciding to meet. Figure out if there's real life attraction soon so you avoid disappointment.

3. And this was my personal rule but don't put all your eggs in One basket. Unless you've had the exclusivity conversation, assume they are still seeing other people, as you should as well. If you want something more serious, then bring it up sooner rather than later. And no, sex doesn't change anything.

Online dating is a dog eat dog world where you're only interesting until the next best thing flashes on their device.


----------



## notmyjamie

WandaJ said:


> I have to say that was the opposite for me. It was relief, another proof that things are going to go my way


I would love nothing more than to see my ex happy with someone new. It would mean he has let me go and I really just want to be free. I want to be able to make plans where I don’t get interrupted with thoughts of “oh…that’s gonna hurt him. ” Yes I know I should feel free to do what I want but as I know he is still hurting I am careful of his feelings. He is my children’s father after all. But man…I want to be free of all that.


----------



## Enigma32

Elizabeth001 said:


> No kidding. Ya can’t win
> 
> Read a post earlier for someone advising maybe to not be so loose so soon…guy only sees you as fun to be with…not the caliber of woman to settle down with. Then jump to another thread that says gotta give it up by the third date. Then how you aren’t supposed to put “not looking for a hook up” on your dating profile to another thread that says if your numbers are high, you can’t make the long run.
> 
> Me thinks there is a lot of triggering, bitterness and blame floating around lately. Maybe time for me to move on too.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


The idea is to choose wisely. That's how you can have sex by the 3rd date without sleeping with half the town. Most of the complaints that go with this generally revolve around ladies almost intentionally picking guys that only see them as a warm, wet hole and then getting upset when they realize that's all they ever were to the guys they picked. If you stay single for a few years, going on a date every other week or so, you can rack up some serious numbers (and some emotional baggage) along the way. 

Men have to walk a fine line too. We have to be masculine because women don't want weak men, but don't be toxically masculine! Men have to talk to women out in the real world, but not at the gym....or the coffee house.....or when she is reading....or wearing earbuds, or if she finds you unattractive. Then you're just creepy. Men have to be confident but not too confident because then you're just acting like a douche. Oh, and men can't have any preferences. Period. Once we state any preferences, we can expect the insults to fly. 

Of course there is some bitterness, bitterness all around I'd say. A lot of people have good cause for bitterness.


----------



## Blondilocks

notmyjamie said:


> *I would love nothing more than to see my ex happy with someone new. It would mean he has let me go *and I really just want to be free. I want to be able to make plans where I don’t get interrupted with thoughts of “oh…that’s gonna hurt him. ” Yes I know I should feel free to do what I want but as I know he is still hurting I am careful of his feelings. He is my children’s father after all. But man…I want to be free of all that.


You need to get this thought out of your head. The fact that he isn't with someone new does not mean it is because of his feelings for you. Maybe he just has no takers or hasn't found the right one, yet. Don't take on that burden. You're a great gal and all; but, you aren't the be all and end all for him. He made that perfectly clear.


----------



## Lila

Enigma32 said:


> The idea is to choose wisely. That's how you can have sex by the 3rd date without sleeping with half the town. *Most of the complaints that go with this generally revolve around ladies almost intentionally picking guys that only see them as a warm, wet hole and then getting upset when they realize that's all they ever were to the guys they picked.* If you stay single for a few years, going on a date every other week or so, you can rack up some serious numbers (and some emotional baggage) along the way.


That might be your experience but based on my mine and the female friends, the vast majority of them date men who come off like Andy Griffith and say they are looking for a serious relationship. Most are lying to get laid. 

The idea should be to become a good lie detector and hone the red flag meter so you don't waste your time on the liars. Even then, a woman might get into a monogamous relationship with a man only to figure out a couple of months into it that they are not at all compatible.


----------



## Blondilocks

Lila said:


> That might be your experience but based on my mine and the female friends, the vast majority of them date men who come off like *Andy Griffin* and say they are looking for a serious relationship. Most are lying to get laid.
> 
> The idea should be to become a good lie detector and hone the red flag meter so you don't waste your time on the liars. Even then, a woman might get into a monogamous relationship with a man only to figure out a couple of months into it that they are not at all compatible.


I'm guessing you mean Andy Griffith of Mayberry? There is the first red flag - don't fall for the hokey, down-home good ol' boy routine. They probably go home and wash their mouths out with soap after putting on that charade.


----------



## Lila

Blondilocks said:


> I'm guessing you mean Andy Griffith of Mayberry? There is the first red flag - don't fall for the hokey, down-home good ol' boy routine. They probably go home and wash their mouths out with soap after putting on that charade.



Lol yes Andy Griffith of Mayberry. 

Whether it's Andy Griffith or some other type, the key is to get to the truth sooner rather than later.


----------



## Hiner112

SCDad01 said:


> I think that's what most of us dread...seeing our ex with someone else. But life is short and the view is much better through the windshield than the rear view mirror


I lived with my ex a long time so I know what their new SO is dealing with or will deal with. I wish them luck and endurance because they'll probably need it.


----------



## lifeistooshort

Hiner112 said:


> I lived with my ex a long time so I know what their new SO is dealing with or will deal with. I wish them luck and endurance because they'll probably need it.


I feel the same way about my ex.

Good luck to any sister who boards that train...she's going to need it.


----------



## AVR1962

WandaJ said:


> I have to say that was the opposite for me. It was relief, another proof that things are going to go my way


After I went down my road of hurt memories and spoke to a couple of my close friends I then felt relief. There had been some guilt for leaving him knowing he was going to slip into a depression and start drinking even more. He looked bad for a very long time. I can't say he looks happy now but at least he looks better so I think he climbed out of his depression. I no longer feel gulit as he has obviously moved on and I only wish them both the best.


----------



## notmyjamie

Blondilocks said:


> You need to get this thought out of your head. The fact that he isn't with someone new does not mean it is because of his feelings for you. Maybe he just has no takers or hasn't found the right one, yet. Don't take on that burden. You're a great gal and all; but, you aren't the be all and end all for him. He made that perfectly clear.


I know you mean well, but I also know he hasn’t fully let go. I know this based on things he has said to me and to others. I’m not trying to take it on as a burden but I do still care enough not to poor salt in his wounds. Did he do me wrong? Yes…but even I can appreciate how and why he felt that was his only option. I have forgiven him and I’m not looking to hurt him more than I know he’s already hurting.

The good news is that although he isn’t looking for someone, he is exploring his sexuality. He has been having hookups for a few months now. (Strange, but good how this does not affect me in the slightest) And after two years of complaining that my kids spend time with my BF even though he’s never met him but then refusing to meet him, he finally said he could handle meeting him. I know the hookups are the reason. He’s finding out who he really is, living out a denied adolescence finally and learning that I was right…what he felt for me was love, but not in love. He’s getting there.
And one other thing…I _am_ the end all be all…I know because my BF tells me so LOL
(sorry, couldn’t resist!!!)


----------



## Blondilocks

notmyjamie said:


> I know you mean well, but I also know he hasn’t fully let go. I know this based on things he has said to me and to others. I’m not trying to take it on as a burden but I do still care enough not to poor salt in his wounds. Did he do me wrong? Yes…but even I can appreciate how and why he felt that was his only option. I have forgiven him and I’m not looking to hurt him more than I know he’s already hurting.
> 
> The good news is that although he isn’t looking for someone, he is exploring his sexuality. He has been having hookups for a few months now. (Strange, but good how this does not affect me in the slightest) And after two years of complaining that my kids spend time with my BF even though he’s never met him but then refusing to meet him, he finally said he could handle meeting him. I know the hookups are the reason. He’s finding out who he really is, living out a denied adolescence finally and learning that I was right…what he felt for me was love, but not in love. He’s getting there.
> And one other thing…I _am_ *the end all be all*…I know because my BF tells me so LOL
> (sorry, couldn’t resist!!!)


You left off the rest of the sentence "*for him*". 

Your ex reminds me of the actor Joel Grey. He claims the love of his life is his ex - Jennifer's mother. A lot of good that does her. A whole lot of selfish hooey. Makes one wonder if these guys even understand what love is. I'm pretty sure your ex doesn't as he didn't think twice about exposing his compromised daughters to Covid.

I'm sorry you're having a hard time moving on.


----------



## notmyjamie

Blondilocks said:


> You left off the rest of the sentence "*for him*".
> 
> Your ex reminds me of the actor Joel Grey. He claims the love of his life is his ex - Jennifer's mother. A lot of good that does her. A whole lot of selfish hooey. Makes one wonder if these guys even understand what love is. I'm pretty sure your ex doesn't as he didn't think twice about exposing his compromised daughters to Covid.
> 
> I'm sorry you're having a hard time moving on.


Well, that was just a joke.
I think people make poor choices, even when they’ll affect people they love. He thought if he got tested when he returned that would be enough to keep them safe. He was wrong. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t love his daughters. It just means he can be an idiot sometimes…can’t we all?

As for romantic love, no, I don’t think he really does know what that is because he’s never allowed himself to truly experience it. From the moment his family thought he might be gay they freaked out and he buried those feelings deep down. But they don’t stay buried forever which is why I came to know about them. I’m hopeful that by exploring those feelings now he’ll eventually put all the pieces together. More for his sake than mine.

I don’t feel like I’m having trouble moving on. My life is very good, I’m very happy. I feel very lucky, something I never thought I’d feel again. I don’t think that not wanting to hurt my ex means I’m not moving on. I’m being sensitive to his feelings by not flaunting my new relationship. I look forward to the day when seeing me with someone else doesn’t cause him pain.

In other good news, BF and I just got a new apartment with an extra bedroom for my 17 so she can hang with us more easily when she wants to!!! She’s very happy about it even though I doubt she’ll use it much.


----------



## lifeistooshort

Blondilocks said:


> You left off the rest of the sentence "*for him*".
> 
> Your ex reminds me of the actor Joel Grey. He claims the love of his life is his ex - Jennifer's mother. A lot of good that does her. A whole lot of selfish hooey. Makes one wonder if these guys even understand what love is. I'm pretty sure your ex doesn't as he didn't think twice about exposing his compromised daughters to Covid.
> 
> I'm sorry you're having a hard time moving on.


Sorry Jamie, I have to agree with Blondie. I can appreciate your compassion and desire to avoid hurting him further, but while I'm sure he loves you in the way he can every last thought he has is about himself.

All that ever mattered was his phony family image. The thought that you're actually a person with her own desires and agency to make an informed decision never crossed his mind. The idea that you might want a guy who can love you passionately as a woman never crossed his mind because everything is about him.

Whatever trouble he has letting you go has absolutely nothing to do with any concern or thought for you....it's once again about him and his phony family image.

Of course you don't have to be a jerk unnecessarily, but his hurt is his self inflicted problem. His own selfishness has caused every problem in his life.


----------



## TXTrini

Enigma32 said:


> The idea is to choose wisely. That's how you can have sex by the 3rd date without sleeping with half the town. Most of the complaints that go with this generally revolve around ladies almost intentionally picking guys that only see them as a warm, wet hole and then getting upset when they realize that's all they ever were to the guys they picked. If you stay single for a few years, going on a date every other week or so, you can rack up some serious numbers (and some emotional baggage) along the way.
> 
> Men have to walk a fine line too. We have to be masculine because women don't want weak men, but don't be toxically masculine! Men have to talk to women out in the real world, but not at the gym....or the coffee house.....or when she is reading....or wearing earbuds, or if she finds you unattractive. Then you're just creepy. Men have to be confident but not too confident because then you're just acting like a douche. Oh, and men can't have any preferences. Period. Once we state any preferences, we can expect the insults to fly.
> 
> Of course there is some bitterness, bitterness all around I'd say. A lot of people have good cause for bitterness.


Oh man, you think women really go around picking men like that on purpose? I've seen some real douchey posts where men will say/do whatever they need to make a woman comfortable to have sex. Those men are really great liars, some even believe their own BS. 

If men stop lying, then women can choose wisely. Seriously though, people, in general, need to be more honest, with themselves and others. Though, if women became human lie detectors as Lila suggested, I think there'd be way more men *****ing about not getting laid. 




Lila said:


> That might be your experience but based on my mine and the female friends, the vast majority of them date men who come off like Andy Griffith and say they are looking for a serious relationship. Most are lying to get laid.
> 
> The idea should be to become a good lie detector and hone the red flag meter so you don't waste your time on the liars. Even then, a woman might get into a monogamous relationship with a man only to figure out a couple of months into it that they are not at all compatible.


I have a really hard time with this. Some people can lie so well for so long, I found out after nearly 20 years together my ex was a master liar. Not talking about the cheating, he was a secret alcoholic and ran up secret debt. 


Blondilocks said:


> I'm guessing you mean Andy Griffith of Mayberry? There is the first red flag - don't fall for the hokey, down-home good ol' boy routine. They probably go home and wash their mouths out with soap after putting on that charade.


I guess I'm a sucker for that type. Real sad it doesn't seem to exist.


----------



## Numb26

TXTrini said:


> If men stop lying, then women can choose wisely. Seriously though, people, in general, need to be more honest, with themselves and others. Though, if women became human lie detectors as Lila suggested, I think there'd be way more men *****ing about not getting laid.


Just to play devil's advocate, let's change some words in this paragraph.

If WOMEN stop lying, then MEN can choose wisely. Seriously though, people, in general, need to be more honest, with themselves and others. Though, If MEN became human lie detectors as Lila suggested, I think there'd be way more WOMEN *****ing about not getting laid.

🤔🤔🤔


----------



## hubbyintrubby

Numb26 said:


> Just to play devil's advocate, let's change some words in this paragraph.
> 
> If WOMEN stop lying, then MEN can choose wisely. Seriously though, people, in general, need to be more honest, with themselves and others. Though, If MEN became human lie detectors as Lila suggested, I think there'd be way more WOMEN *****ing about not getting laid.
> 
> 🤔🤔🤔


Or to go further....

If PEOPLE stop lying, then OTHER PEOPLE can choose wisely. Seriously though, people, in general, need to be more honest, with themselves and others. Though, If PEOPLE became human lie detectors as Lila suggested, I think there'd be way more PEOPLE *****ing about not getting laid.


----------



## jlg07

hubbyintrubby said:


> Though, If PEOPLE became human lie detectors as Lila suggested, I think there'd be way more PEOPLE *****ing about not getting laid.


I think if PEOPLE became human lie detectors, there would be a WHOLE LOT of nobody talking (or anything else) with each other....


----------



## TXTrini

Numb26 said:


> Just to play devil's advocate, let's change some words in this paragraph.
> 
> If WOMEN stop lying, then MEN can choose wisely. Seriously though, people, in general, need to be more honest, with themselves and others. Though, If MEN became human lie detectors as Lila suggested, I think there'd be way more WOMEN *****ing about not getting laid.
> 
> 🤔🤔🤔


I agree, people, in general, should be. However, I was responding to Enigma's post. 

I'm probably going to get slammed for this, but I think more men than women care about getting laid. The impression I get is some women don't care if they ever have sex again.


----------



## TXTrini

jlg07 said:


> I think if PEOPLE became human lie detectors, there would be a WHOLE LOT of nobody talking (or anything else) with each other....


Hmm you think people are just uncomfortable with silence and fill the moments, so to speak with lies? 

I know some people can't stop talking and just be.


----------



## Numb26

TXTrini said:


> I agree, people, in general, should be. However, I was responding to Enigma's post.
> 
> I'm probably going to get slammed for this, but I think more men than women care about getting laid. The impression I get is some women don't care if they ever have sex again.


I look at men and women the same, there are some of both camps in both sexes.


----------



## Hiner112

TXTrini said:


> I'm probably going to get slammed for this, but I think more men than women care about getting laid. The impression I get is some women don't care if they ever have sex again.


I thought that was the prevailing wisdom or lament depending on your perspective. I'm not sure why you'd get slammed for it.


----------



## Elizabeth001

The main problem I see is that men are so visual that they (in my experience) will say or do anything to get with you if they find you visually attractive. XH had me totally fooled until we were married and under water on our house when the market crashed. That’s what TX is talking about (I think). This is what irks me the most with OLD…the “hey beautiful” as an opening line. PAlease…this girl ain’t going for that anymore. 

And YES…I’d rather not have sex at all than to settle for another man who is not a good match for me. To find that out will take a lot more time than 3 damned dates. 

And god help the man that I end up with. He had better bring some knee pads, 3 bottles of viagra and a helmet because I will be ready to UNLEASH!

If it’s worth having…it’s worth waiting for in my book and I have learned my lessons. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## TXTrini

Hiner112 said:


> I thought that was the prevailing wisdom or lament depending on your perspective. I'm not sure why you'd get slammed for it.


B/c I'm not a man looking to get laid


----------



## notmyjamie

TXTrini said:


> I agree, people, in general, should be. However, I was responding to Enigma's post.
> 
> I'm probably going to get slammed for this, but I think more men than women care about getting laid. The impression I get is some women don't care if they ever have sex again.


I won’t slam you but I will tell you that based on the stories of both men and women in various forums I frequent, I’d say it’s closer to even than you might think. Most people think if a guy doesn’t want sex with his woman he must be gay. Nope…that’s the least likely reason…by far. I’m pressed for time so I can’t look up the statistics but it is the absolute bottom of the list for reasons. And I did lots of research when my ex dropped out of our sex life. I know many women whose husbands have zero interest in sex. I think this problem affects both men and women.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Elizabeth001 said:


> The main problem I see is that men are so visual that they (in my experience) will say or do anything to get with you if they find you visually attractive. XH had me totally fooled until we were married and under water on our house when the market crashed. That’s what TX is talking about (I think). This is what irks me the most with OLD…the “hey beautiful” as an opening line. PAlease…this girl ain’t going for that anymore.
> 
> And YES…I’d rather not have sex at all than to settle for another man who is not a good match for me. To find that out will take a lot more time than 3 damned dates.
> 
> And god help the man that I end up with. He had better bring some knee pads, 3 bottles of viagra and a helmet because I will be ready to UNLEASH!
> 
> If it’s worth having…it’s worth waiting for in my book and I have learned my lessons.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


But how will he ever know that if you make him wait for sex? That’s the dilemma. If a girl made me wait, there wouldn’t be a date #4 and maybe you both miss out on a perfect match?


----------



## TXTrini

Elizabeth001 said:


> The main problem I see is that men are so visual that they (in my experience) will say or do anything to get with you if they find you visually attractive. XH had me totally fooled until we were married and under water on our house when the market crashed. That’s what TX is talking about (I think). This is what irks me the most with OLD…the “hey beautiful” as an opening line. PAlease…this girl ain’t going for that anymore.
> 
> And YES…I’d rather not have sex at all than to settle for another man who is not a good match for me. To find that out will take a lot more time than 3 damned dates.
> 
> And god help the man that I end up with. He had better bring some knee pads, 3 bottles of viagra and a helmet because I will be ready to UNLEASH!
> 
> If it’s worth having…it’s worth waiting for in my book and I have learned my lessons.
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


That's been my experience, exactly. 

When I was on OLD, if a man had nothing more to say than how attractive he found me, it was a complete turn-off and I didn't bother to respond (no matter how sexy). That **** might work on teenagers, but not grown women who want more. 

Whoa there, Nelly! No sex at all? That's a wee bit drastic...but I understand. Bring on the sex robots with personality programs!

All kidding aside, I love men and would prefer to have a man in my life, but it's really not worth the hassle for just sex if it's all just ********. There's no way I want to live the life I lived ever again, doing nearly all the housework, maintaining relationships and putting up with BS from family to "keep the peace" for an ungrateful cheating SOB for just sex (I wasn't even getting any!)

I like the relationship I have right now, but I honestly can't say if I want to live together or remarry. I'm enjoying not having to put someone else first in everything I do. 



notmyjamie said:


> I won’t slam you but I will tell you that based on the stories of both men and women in various forums I frequent, I’d say it’s closer to even than you might think. Most people think if a guy doesn’t want sex with his woman he must be gay. Nope…that’s the least likely reason…by far. I’m pressed for time so I can’t look up the statistics but it is the absolute bottom of the list for reasons. And I did lots of research when my ex dropped out of our sex life. I know many women whose husbands have zero interest in sex. I think this problem affects both men and women.


Oh I know, it really did a number on my self-esteem.


----------



## TXTrini

RebuildingMe said:


> But how will he ever know that if you make him wait for sex? That’s the dilemma. If a girl made me wait, there wouldn’t be a date #4 and maybe you both miss out on a perfect match?


So would he...


----------



## Numb26

RebuildingMe said:


> But how will he ever know that if you make him wait for sex? That’s the dilemma. If a girl made me wait, there wouldn’t be a date #4 and maybe you both miss out on a perfect match?


It was third date and she initiated. She was fairly aggressive actually. Hehehe


----------



## RebuildingMe

TXTrini said:


> So would he...


That’s why I said “both”.

I don’t understand the lying from the beginning. So, in essence, Elizabeth is going to act all prude in the beginning, but at the same time expect the guy to get knee pads and order extra viagra? How would he know? It sounds very ‘gamey’ to me…


----------



## Numb26

RebuildingMe said:


> That’s why I said “both”.
> 
> I don’t understand the lying from the beginning. So, in essence, Elizabeth is going to act all prude in the beginning, but at the same time expect the guy to get knee pads and order extra viagra? How would he know? It sounds very ‘gamey’ to me…


It does sound like a game


----------



## Lila

Dang folks. I know understand why I had this urge to check TAM all day. All these people talking about Lila and her lie detector 😅😅.


----------



## Lila

TXTrini said:


> Oh man, you think women really go around picking men like that on purpose? I've seen some real douchey posts where men will say/do whatever they need to make a woman comfortable to have sex. Those men are really great liars, some even believe their own BS.
> 
> If men stop lying, then women can choose wisely. Seriously though, people, in general, need to be more honest, with themselves and others. Though, if women became human lie detectors as Lila suggested, I think there'd be way more men *****ing about not getting laid.
> 
> 
> 
> I have a really hard time with this. Some people can lie so well for so long, I found out after nearly 20 years together my ex was a master liar. Not talking about the cheating, he was a secret alcoholic and ran up secret debt.
> 
> I guess I'm a sucker for that type. Real sad it doesn't seem to exist.


Don't change. You are you. I'm just super hyper vigilant.


----------



## TXTrini

RebuildingMe said:


> That’s why I said “both”.
> 
> I don’t understand the lying from the beginning. So, in essence, Elizabeth is going to act all prude in the beginning, but at the same time expect the guy to get knee pads and order extra viagra? How would he know? It sounds very ‘gamey’ to me…


My bad, I missed that.

How do you know she'll be acting a prude? Man, I guess men don't enjoy flirting and anticipation anymore? Gotta go from stranger to BAM mofo, right away?

I find this conversation interesting, b/c I've seen so many complaints about women prizing chemistry and not giving "average" men a chance. Some people don't make a great first impression, it takes time to get to know someone without dismissing them immediately.

If women MUST play whack-a-mole, I see a lot more blue-ballers, not shot-callers in the future. So which way should it be? Personally, I don't GAF what other people do, I've done me, and who don't like it can mosey along on. Btw, my bf wanted to take his time before getting physical, he wanted to know me, and that was hot AF, I ate him alive.



Lila said:


> Don't change. You are you. I'm just super hyper vigilant.


Thanks. I'm content with who I am and don't plan on changing unless it's something I don't like, or for the better.


----------



## Numb26

TXTrini said:


> My bad, I missed that.
> 
> How do you know she'll be acting a prude? Man, I guess men don't enjoy flirting and anticipation anymore? Gotta go from stranger to BAM mofo, right away?
> 
> I find this conversation interesting, b/c I've seen so many complaints about women prizing chemistry and not giving "average" men a chance. Some people don't make a great first impression, it takes time to get to know someone without dismissing them immediately.
> 
> If women MUST play whack-a-mole, I see a lot more blue-ballers, not shot-callers in the future. So which way should it be? Personally, I don't GAF what other people do, I've done me, and who don't like it can mosey along on. Btw, my bf wanted to take his time before getting physical, he wanted to know me, and that was hot AF, I ate him alive.
> 
> 
> Thanks. I'm content with who I am and don't plan on changing unless it's something I don't like, or for the better.


Like @Lila said, you are you, and that's good. But not everyone is the same. In my case, my free time is limited so I don't have the luxury of anticipation. As far as flirting, that usually happens BEFORE the first date even happens.


----------



## RebuildingMe

TXTrini said:


> How do you know she'll be acting a prude? Man, I guess men don't enjoy flirting and anticipation anymore? Gotta go from stranger to BAM mofo, right away?


IMO, if you act like something you’re not, isn’t that deceiving? She said she’d make a guy wait, yet she’s a sex machine. How is that any different than a guy saying he wants a relationship on date one just to get into a woman’s panties?

I guess I’ll never understand why people can’t be truthful upfront and honest and see where it goes organically.


----------



## TXTrini

RebuildingMe said:


> IMO, if you act like something you’re not, isn’t that deceiving? She said she’d make a guy wait, yet she’s a sex machine. How is that any different than a guy saying he wants a relationship on date one just to get into a woman’s panties?
> 
> I guess I’ll never understand why people can’t be truthful upfront and honest and see where it goes organically.


Being a sex machine doesn't mean you are indiscriminate about who you sleep with, especially if sex means something to you. 

I agree that people should be truthful, honest, and see where things go organically, but that implies time if you're looking for a relationship. Not to mention, it is dishonest to have covert expectations, so state "I want sex ASAP" when you meet someone, no harm, no foul.

That way, no one is playing games, and you can engage with like-minded people. What's so difficult to understand?


----------



## Numb26

TXTrini said:


> Being a sex machine doesn't mean you are indiscriminate about who you sleep with, especially if sex means something to you.
> 
> I agree that people should be truthful, honest, and see where things go organically, but that implies time if you're looking for a relationship. Not to mention, it is dishonest to have covert expectations, so state "I want sex ASAP" when you meet someone, no harm, no foul.
> 
> That way, no one is playing games, and you can engage with like-minded people. What's so difficult to understand?


That's what I do, seems to work. LOL


----------



## Elizabeth001

TXTrini said:


> Being a sex machine doesn't mean you are indiscriminate about who you sleep with, especially if sex means something to you.
> 
> I agree that people should be truthful, honest, and see where things go organically, but that implies time if you're looking for a relationship. Not to mention, it is dishonest to have covert expectations, so state "I want sex ASAP" when you meet someone, no harm, no foul.
> 
> That way, no one is playing games, and you can engage with like-minded people. What's so difficult to understand?


Bingo


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Elizabeth001

Numb26 said:


> Like @Lila said, you are you, and that's good. But not everyone is the same. In my case, my free time is limited so I don't have the luxury of anticipation. As far as flirting, that usually happens BEFORE the first date even happens.


People with no free time shouldn’t be dating. No time for the girlfriend? No time for the wife…or partner…or whatever. Same thing. 

ETA: Unless you state FWB. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Numb26

Elizabeth001 said:


> People with no free time shouldn’t be dating. No time for the girlfriend? No time for the wife…or partner…or whatever. Same thing.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


That's BS! Just because you require large blocks of time for it to be considered dating doesn't mean everyone else does. Some people are happy having casual time together. For you to say that people who don't have much free time can't date it completely asinine


----------



## Elizabeth001

Numb26 said:


> That's BS! Just because you require large blocks of time for it to be considered dating doesn't mean everyone else does. Some people are happy having casual time together. For you to say that people who don't have much free time can't date it completely asinine


Wtf said I require “large blocks of time”? I value my alone time FTR…

Both people should be on the same page for the end game. If you are honest with your partner, then kudos. If you are, then you are not the majority of the type of men we ladies are meeting these days. I think this is the point that’s trying to come across. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## RebuildingMe

The issue here is men and women don’t know how to negotiate what’s important to them. Thatwhy almost all relationships are doomed to fail. Too many games. Too many “i’ll make him wait”. Too many “I’ll tell her how special she is to me”. Hell, if men and women just took what they want, you’d find out damn quickly how compatible they are.

The whole notion that I’ll make him wait for X number of dates, then turn into a sex animal is completely disingenuous to me. Sorry, it just is. 

More often than not, the sex animal turns into “not tonight, I’m tired”. If that’s how you are, put it in your profile. “Looking for a LD person to cuddle with me and watch movies, but that’s all”. This doesn’t have to be all that complicated.


----------



## Elizabeth001

OTOH…if you can only see me every other weekend and on Wednesdays 2-5…what can that offer me? 

I see husbands come on here all the time complaining that they only get sex once per week. 

 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## Numb26

Elizabeth001 said:


> Wtf said I require “large blocks of time”? I value my alone time FTR…
> 
> Both people should be on the same page for the end game. If you are honest with your partner, then kudos. If you are, then you are not the majority of the type of men we ladies are meeting these days. I think this is the point that’s trying to come across.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I am always upfront about my availability and what I am looking for. I think it helps any misunderstanding later on.


----------



## Enigma32

TXTrini said:


> Oh man, you think women really go around picking men like that on purpose? I've seen some real douchey posts where men will say/do whatever they need to make a woman comfortable to have sex. Those men are really great liars, some even believe their own BS.


Yes, I absolutely think many women choose these types on purpose. I grew up with a guy that is a career criminal and served 10 years in prison for shooting a guy in the face with a shotgun. He is never lonely. Why, because he's a good looking guy with some pocket money to spend on ladies. He's been single for a while but his last relationship was with a beautiful, successful girl 10 years younger than he is. He's also a complete douche to any woman he dates. Just utter disrespect. Just one example but I have seen plenty others. 



> If men stop lying, then women can choose wisely. Seriously though, people, in general, need to be more honest, with themselves and others. Though, if women became human lie detectors as Lila suggested, I think there'd be way more men *****ing about not getting laid.


Men are gonna do what works. If that stuff ever stops working, people will stop doing it. Just like the ladies with the OLD profiles saying no hookups. Every guy ever knows they will do hookups. Heck, the guys looking to just get laid actually target those "no hookups!" girls because they know they're usually an easy mark. 



> I have a really hard time with this. Some people can lie so well for so long, I found out after nearly 20 years together my ex was a master liar. Not talking about the cheating, he was a secret alcoholic and ran up secret debt.
> 
> I guess I'm a sucker for that type. Real sad it doesn't seem to exist.


I think your story is more of an anomaly and I'm sorry you went through that. Not many master liars out there.


----------



## Elizabeth001

RebuildingMe said:


> If that’s how you are, put it in your profile. “Looking for a LD person to cuddle with me and watch movies, but that’s all”. This doesn’t have to be all that complicated.


Yep… would have been great if that was in my XH’s profile but it wasn’t. He acted like he was all about it. You guys just can’t fathom that this thing goes both ways. 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## RebuildingMe

Elizabeth001 said:


> Yep… would have been great if that was in my XH’s profile but it wasn’t. He acted like he was all about it. You guys just can’t fathom that this thing goes both ways.
> Oh, I know it goes both ways. I just people would just be honest with who they are at their core from date #1.
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## Elizabeth001

I get it…me too. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Lila

Numb26 said:


> Like @Lila said, you are you, and that's good. But not everyone is the same. In my case, my free time is limited so I don't have the luxury of anticipation. *As far as flirting, that usually happens BEFORE the first date even happens.*


Yes but you meet women the old fashioned way. @Elizabeth001 is talking about meeting people by way of online dating. Very different experience.


----------



## Numb26

Lila said:


> Yes but you meet women the old fashioned way. @Elizabeth001 is talking about meeting people by way of online dating. Very different experience.


 That is true. I have no experience with OLD.


----------



## Numb26

The woman I am currently seeing and I knew within an hour of meeting each other that we were on the same page. Made things easier.


----------



## TXTrini

RebuildingMe said:


> The issue here is men and women don’t know how to negotiate what’s important to them. Thatwhy almost all relationships are doomed to fail. Too many games. Too many “i’ll make him wait”. Too many “I’ll tell her how special she is to me”. Hell, if men and women just took what they want, you’d find out damn quickly how compatible they are.
> 
> The whole notion that I’ll make him wait for X number of dates, then turn into a sex animal is completely disingenuous to me. Sorry, it just is.
> 
> More often than not, the sex animal turns into “not tonight, I’m tired”. If that’s how you are, put it in your profile. “Looking for a LD person to cuddle with me and watch movies, but that’s all”. This doesn’t have to be all that complicated.


It's ALL about communication, isn't it? So simple, so dumb. When communication went in my marriage, everything else did too. I'm definitely weak at negotiating what I want. 

It's a hard line to walk, loving yourself without being self-centered, or being considerate without being self-sacrificing. No one wants to be the "bad guy" and lead with their "list of demands", so everyone plays games to get the upper hand or protect themselves, so everyone loses...

I think you're overthinking this, just do you, and decide if what the other person is doing suits you or not. Nobody likes a whiny baby. Btw, I'm not calling you a whiny baby, I'm just tired of everyone complaining!  Ugh, I had a policy when I ran my guild - nut up or shut up... i.e. don't ***** about a problem unless you are bringing a solution to the table. 

Early on in my current relationship, I didn't know where I stood, and sex had been on the table for quite some time, which is why I find the sex controversy absurd btw. Is the early sex requirement a **** test for men to see if they got what it takes to drop panties? Half the time, they don't even know if they like the damned woman, but they want to smash. In cases like that, it does the opposite of making a woman feel special, drying up that watering hole...

When my bf and I were in the early days of dating, I really liked him, but he couldn't tell me where he saw us headed. So when I had enough, I basically said **** or get off the pot, b/c I didn't like feeling like I was the only one emotionally investing in us. So I understand why some women will wait until they are sure a man really likes them before sex, cause even then it's still a crapshoot as to whether or not he'll disappear on her after.

Out of curiosity, have any of you men had a woman who you really wanted, screw you and ghost you?


----------



## Lila

hubbyintrubby said:


> Or to go further....
> 
> If PEOPLE stop lying, then OTHER PEOPLE can choose wisely. Seriously though, people, in general, need to be more honest, with themselves and others. Though, If PEOPLE became human lie detectors as Lila suggested, I think there'd be way more PEOPLE *****ing about not getting laid.


I think the problem is that no one wants to go first with the honesty because it sets them up for rejection.


----------



## TXTrini

Enigma32 said:


> Yes, I absolutely think many women choose these types on purpose. I grew up with a guy that is a career criminal and served 10 years in prison for shooting a guy in the face with a shotgun. He is never lonely. Why, because he's a good looking guy with some pocket money to spend on ladies. He's been single for a while but his last relationship was with a beautiful, successful girl 10 years younger than he is. He's also a complete douche to any woman he dates. Just utter disrespect. Just one example but I have seen plenty others.
> 
> Men are gonna do what works. If that stuff ever stops working, people will stop doing it. Just like the ladies with the OLD profiles saying no hookups. Every guy ever knows they will do hookups. Heck, the guys looking to just get laid actually target those "no hookups!" girls because they know they're usually an easy mark.
> 
> I think your story is more of an anomaly and I'm sorry you went through that. Not many master liars out there.


I will never understand why women find men like that attractive, no matter how good-looking they are. Why would anyone in their right mind want to get mixed up in that?? Nm... I think I just answered my own question...

That chick might be successful, but if she's sniffing around his pungent ass, she's got a few screws loose. Now would you date any of the women who run after him? Cause it doesn't sound like you're missing out unless you like being part of the freak show.

What I find funny, is when men use dysfunctional, mentally unstable women running after obviously toxic worthless men as a ruler for how all women behave. Is it b/c crazy is usually hot? If you pick with your penis, you're going to get ****ed, and it may not be the way you like it.

Thanks. My exH really did a number on me. I don't know if I will ever trust anything a man says anymore without proof. I could not believe all the lies that were unraveled at the end, I just stopped bothering to look.


----------



## RebuildingMe

TXTrini said:


> It's ALL about communication, isn't it? So simple, so dumb. When communication went in my marriage, everything else did too. I'm definitely weak at negotiating what I want.
> 
> It's a hard line to walk, loving yourself without being self-centered, or being considerate without being self-sacrificing. No one wants to be the "bad guy" and lead with their "list of demands", so everyone plays games to get the upper hand or protect themselves, so everyone loses...
> 
> I think you're overthinking this, just do you, and decide if what the other person is doing suits you or not. Nobody likes a whiny baby. Btw, I'm not calling you a whiny baby, I'm just tired of everyone complaining!  Ugh, I had a policy when I ran my guild - nut up or shut up... i.e. don't *** about a problem unless you are bringing a solution to the table.
> 
> Early on in my current relationship, I didn't know where I stood, and sex had been on the table for quite some time, which is why I find the sex controversy absurd btw. Is the early sex requirement a **** test for men to see if they got what it takes to drop panties? Half the time, they don't even know if they like the damned woman, but they want to smash. In cases like that, it does the opposite of making a woman feel special, drying up that watering hole...
> 
> When my bf and I were in the early days of dating, I really liked him, but he couldn't tell me where he saw us headed. So when I had enough, I basically said **** or get off the pot, b/c I didn't like feeling like I was the only one emotionally investing in us. So I understand why some women will wait until they are sure a man really likes them before sex, cause even then it's still a crapshoot as to whether or not he'll disappear on her after.
> 
> Out of curiosity, have any of you men had a woman who you really wanted, screw you and ghost you?


I totally agree. Communication is the key. Too much damaged goods out there. People carry prior relationship issues into new ones. I’m guilty of this myself. However, I will never tolerate a sexless relationship again. No way, no how. If I get even a wiff of a woman using sex as a weapon, I’m gone.

No, I have never been ghosted nor have I ever ghosted. I have no problems with dealing with conflict head on. I actually thrive on it, to be honest.


----------



## TXTrini

RebuildingMe said:


> I totally agree. Communication is the key. Too much damaged goods out there. People carry prior relationship issues into new ones. I’m guilty of this myself. However, I will never tolerate a sexless relationship again. No way, no how. If I get even a wiff of a woman using sex as a weapon, I’m gone.
> 
> No, I have never been ghosted nor have I ever ghosted. I have no problems with dealing with conflict head on. I actually thrive on it, to be honest.


That's fair. Anyone who says they never take their baggage with them in any way is a damned liar or has lived a charmed life.

You and me both. I never want to feel as unattractive, undesirable and painfully lonely like I felt during a decade-long sexless marriage. It was extremely validating to realize I was not any of those things, and I won't settle for less either. 

Hmm, maybe if men experienced that, the ghosting after sex with someone they really liked, they would understand why women want to make sure a man wants more than just sex before sleeping with them. 

Ok, so communication and empathy.


----------



## RebuildingMe

TXTrini said:


> That's fair. Anyone who says they never take their baggage with them in any way is a damned liar or has lived a charmed life.
> 
> You and me both. I never want to feel as unattractive, undesirable and painfully lonely like I felt during a decade-long sexless marriage. It was extremely validating to realize I was not any of those things, and I won't settle for less either.
> 
> Hmm, maybe if men experienced that, the ghosting after sex with someone they really liked, they would understand why women want to make sure a man wants more than just sex before sleeping with them.
> 
> Ok, so communication and empathy.


I wouldn’t want to be ghosted. Especially after sex. I’d feel like I was used. So I understand.


----------



## Enigma32

TXTrini said:


> I will never understand why women find men like that attractive, no matter how good-looking they are. Why would anyone in their right mind want to get mixed up in that?? Nm... I think I just answered my own question...
> 
> That chick might be successful, but if she's sniffing around his pungent ass, she's got a few screws loose. Now would you date any of the women who run after him? Cause it doesn't sound like you're missing out unless you like being part of the freak show.
> 
> *What I find funny, is when men use dysfunctional, mentally unstable women running after obviously toxic worthless men as a ruler for how all women behave.* Is it b/c crazy is usually hot? If you pick with your penis, you're going to get ****ed, and it may not be the way you like it.


I admit my experience is somewhat limited as I am only one guy, but based on my experience and observations, this sort of thing happens often enough that it's normal, not some oddity. Every crappy, 2-bit, lying, POS criminal dude I have ever known got plenty of women...as long as he was decent looking. It would be different if guys like him had 1 GF ever, but they are cleaning up out there lol. Ladies need to run a case search on your men, just sayin. 

If you look at a girl like the successful one dating a criminal, it is easy to dismiss her just by saying she has screws loose, but does she? She's the stereotype of what guys complain about. Spending their youth on douchebags just to try and settle down later. A lot of us guys have run into girls like her everywhere. 

In the sake of fairness, I am really not just tryin to hate on ladies here. I definitely know men have their own problems and I'm really glad I don't have to date them. I think our culture has a problem with relationships.


----------



## jlg07

TXTrini said:


> Hmm you think people are just uncomfortable with silence and fill the moments, so to speak with lies?
> 
> I know some people can't stop talking and just be.


No, not really about being uncomfortable with silence -- just uncomfortable with being honest. Seems to be a BAD trait these days. I know what you mean about people not being able to stop yakking though!

Now, I am NOT talking about brutal in-your-face hurtful type of honesty. You can be honest without being intentionally hurtful.
But as I said, seems to be more of a rare commodity.


----------



## TXTrini

Enigma32 said:


> I admit my experience is somewhat limited as I am only one guy, but based on my experience and observations, this sort of thing happens often enough that it's normal, not some oddity. Every crappy, 2-bit, lying, POS criminal dude I have ever known got plenty of women...as long as he was decent looking. It would be different if guys like him had 1 GF ever, but they are cleaning up out there lol. Ladies need to run a case search on your men, just sayin.
> 
> If you look at a girl like the successful one dating a criminal, it is easy to dismiss her just by saying she has screws loose, but does she? She's the stereotype of what guys complain about. Spending their youth on douchebags just to try and settle down later. A lot of us guys have run into girls like her everywhere.
> 
> In the sake of fairness, I am really not just tryin to hate on ladies here. I definitely know men have their own problems and I'm really glad I don't have to date them. I think our culture has a problem with relationships.


I haven't actually seen women chase bad boys, though I've heard the trope enough. Yes, I am dismissing that chick, b/c having a relationship with a criminal is akin to painting a bullseye on your ass and begging someone to kick it.

The trouble is, average women are marrying "good guys", trying to build something and then getting their asses kicked anyway. Heck, I tried to marry a good guy (not even a parking ticket), after meeting young and wasted the best years of my life just to be turned into a cliché (traded in for a younger model).

He was the typical "good guy", decent, kind, reliable, stable, but he changed into someone unrecognizable. What I saw over time was that he was never satisfied with himself, but never acted to improve himself in any way. Everything was always someone else's fault, he turned to alcohol and eternal validation from questionable people (some of his friends smoked weed - he didn't know them when we married).

Heck, in my current relationship, we try to be honest, but sometimes my honesty doesn't go over well. It really annoys me sometimes that I have to handle someone else's ego with kid gloves, but I'm a big girl, so I can take it. 

It seems to boil down to women can be self-destructive if they are not self-aware enough to curtail their impulses, while men have fragile egos and need constant validation.


----------



## Enigma32

TXTrini said:


> Heck, in my current relationship, we try to be honest, but sometimes my honesty doesn't go over well. It really annoys me sometimes that I have to handle someone else's ego with kid gloves, but I'm a big girl, so I can take it.
> 
> It seems to boil down to women can be self-destructive if they are not self-aware enough to curtail their impulses, *while men have fragile egos and need constant validation.*


No one wants honesty. No one. Do you think wives want their husbands to say they look like crap after gaining 40 pounds? No honey, you aren't as hot as you were when you were 25. You got fat and your boobs sag. You think that honesty would go over well? Guys keep our mouths shut to be nice. 

The part in bold is actually funny. GUYS need constant validation? I think most men are complete fools when it comes to the ladies but it's not men out there posting thirst trap selfies all day on social media with filters to make themselves look better because the truth sucks. Ladies even lie to each other and tell their ugly friends how beautiful they are when everyone knows it's BS. Social media and OLD is nothing more than just a huge source of validation for ladies anymore, because evidently that need that stuff. If men need validation we are screwed because no one is out there giving it to us like that.


----------



## TXTrini

Enigma32 said:


> No one wants honesty. No one. Do you think wives want their husbands to say they look like crap after gaining 40 pounds? No honey, you aren't as hot as you were when you were 25. You got fat and your boobs sag. You think that honesty would go over well? Guys keep our mouths shut to be nice.
> 
> The part in bold is actually funny. GUYS need constant validation? I think most men are complete fools when it comes to the ladies but it's not men out there posting thirst trap selfies all day on social media with filters to make themselves look better because the truth sucks. Ladies even lie to each other and tell their ugly friends how beautiful they are when everyone knows it's BS. Social media and OLD is nothing more than just a huge source of validation for ladies anymore, because evidently that need that stuff. If men need validation we are screwed because no one is out there giving it to us like that.


Maybe so. However people love to give but can't take it, was what I was trying to say. People know what they look like, they aren't delusional. Men keeping their mouths shut is usually about making their life easier, not being nice. Besides, they don't look any better, ballding, hair sprouting from everywhere walking , huge beer bellies,sagging balls and softening erections, yet they don't cat h **** for it nearly as much. 

Yes, guys need validation. I've noticed words of affirmation is a popular love language for men, they need to be respected above all. A different kind of validation, but still validation. A lot of men get it from their jobs, some don't even know who they are when not working. 

Sorry, can't relate to the whole social media obsession, I'm barely active on it.


----------



## Blondilocks

TXTrini said:


> Besides, they don't look any better, ballding, hair sprouting from everywhere walking , huge beer bellies,sagging balls and softening erections, yet they don't cat h **** for it nearly as much.


C'mon. Every one knows that women don't care about this stuff.😂 That would mean women are _shallow. _No one wants a_ shallow_ wife. Besides, men are so busy bringing home the bacon and leading the family that it's unfair to expect them to be attractive, too. Now, be a good little girl and be GGG.


----------



## Elizabeth001

I thought about starting a thread in social that was titled “grass cutting music” but I’ve decided that I should just erase everything on my online profile and just say:

Foreigner 4 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## TXTrini

Blondilocks said:


> C'mon. Every one knows that women don't care about this stuff.😂 That would mean women are _shallow. _No one wants a_ shallow_ wife. Besides, men are so busy bringing home the bacon and leading the family that it's unfair to expect them to be attractive, too. Now, be a good little girl and be GGG.


Yeah well, tough titties. 

Putting a ring on it and bringing a sausage to the party isn't enough when women are bringing home the bacon too. I guess I am shallow then, b/c I'd rather be single than date anyone I'm not attracted to, any sausage will most definitely not do.


----------



## Numb26

TXTrini said:


> Yeah well, tough titties.
> 
> Putting a ring on it and bringing a sausage to the party isn't enough when women are bringing home the bacon too. I guess I am shallow then, b/c I'd rather be single than date anyone I'm not attracted to, any sausage will most definitely not do.


Yeah, dating somebody not attractive takes the life out of you


----------



## Hiner112

TXTrini said:


> Btw, my bf wanted to take his time before getting physical, he wanted to know me, and that was hot AF, I ate him alive.


I've been talking to someone for a while and when I had talked about my relationship experience (IE one person) and how I would probably have a mindset similar to the one I approached my first relationship (IE relatively slow paced). It was at about that time she started referring to my mind and heart as "sexy". There's a good chance that, if we get along as well in person as we have remotely, we'll end up having a _very_ good time together...



Elizabeth001 said:


> OTOH…if you can only see me every other weekend and on Wednesdays 2-5…what can that offer me?
> 
> I see husbands come on here all the time complaining that they only get sex once per week.


A motivated couple could have more sex during one of those weekends than I had during the last year of my marriage so there's that... 



RebuildingMe said:


> I wouldn’t want to be ghosted. Especially after sex. I’d feel like I was used. So I understand.


I would be less worried about feeling used and more worried that I sucked.


----------



## Blondilocks

RebuildingMe said:


> IMO, if you act like something you’re not, isn’t that deceiving? *She said she’d make a guy wait, yet she’s a sex machine.* How is that any different than a guy saying he wants a relationship on date one just to get into a woman’s panties?
> 
> I guess I’ll never understand why people can’t be truthful upfront and honest and see where it goes organically.


Give her a break. She hasn't had sex in a year. Fortunately, she knows herself well enough to know not to let the hornies pick her boyfriends. Once the guy makes the grade, then it will be time to release the kraken. God help him! And, God speed!


----------



## Elizabeth001

Blondilocks said:


> Give her a break. She hasn't had sex in a year. Fortunately, she knows herself well enough to know not to let the hornies pick her boyfriends. Once the guy makes the grade, then it will be time to release the kraken. God help him! And, God speed!


Ding ding chicken wing 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## lifeistooshort

Elizabeth001 said:


> Ding ding chicken wing
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
> [/QUOTOK!


Yeah....I love sex too but I'm at least going to make a guy put in enough effort to show he's really interested.

A lot of men are lazy in that they'll take something easy that doesn't mean enough to them make much effort for.

Once my guy put in some real effort sex was there.


----------



## In Absentia

lifeistooshort said:


> Once my guy put in some real effort sex was there.


Effort in doing what?


----------



## Elizabeth001

In Absentia said:


> Effort in doing what?


In getting to know me for who I am…not just how hot he thinks I am. 

Or at least that’s a big part of it for me. 

I need mental sex…not just physical and that can’t happen for me with a one night stand. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## In Absentia

Elizabeth001 said:


> In getting to know me for who I am…not just how hot he thinks I am.
> 
> Or at least that’s a big part of it for me.
> 
> I need mental sex…not just physical and that can’t happen for me with a one night stand.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Ok, I thought that would be a "normal" thing to do? But I guess some men just care about getting laid... silly me!


----------



## Blondilocks

In Absentia said:


> Ok, I thought that would be a "normal" thing to do? But I guess some men just care about getting laid... silly me!


How much can you get to know someone in 3 dates? One should already know if the carpet matches the drapes before the open house.


----------



## lifeistooshort

In Absentia said:


> Effort in doing what?


Making a lot of effort to spend time with me without pushing for sex. Talked to me a lot...we had a lot in common and good, easy chemistry.

Took me out a few times....nothing hugely fancy but enough to suggest he put some thought into it.

Didn't keep me a secret.

Probably sounds like a lot but it was only a couple of months.

That was 2 1/2 years ago and the sex is still regular.


----------



## minimalME

Blondilocks said:


> How much can you get to know someone in 3 dates? One should already know if the carpet matches the drapes before the open house.


When I was dating, I would read articles that talked about spending time with someone on and off over months before deciding if they were someone you'd really like to get to know.

This was a myth to me, and I'd think to myself, 'Where are these people?'


----------



## In Absentia

lifeistooshort said:


> Making a lot of effort to spend time with me without pushing for sex. Talked to me a lot...we had a lot in common and good, easy chemistry.
> 
> Took me out a few times....nothing hugely fancy but enough to suggest he put some thought into it.
> 
> Didn't keep me a secret.
> 
> Probably sounds like a lot but it was only a couple of months.
> 
> That was 2 1/2 years ago and the sex is still regular.


I would not want to have sex with someone after a couple of dates either. I need to develop a bit of emotional connection first.


----------



## In Absentia

Blondilocks said:


> How much can you get to know someone in 3 dates? One should already know if the carpet matches the drapes before the open house.


If I get to 3 dates, then I'm interested. Sex? I like to be chased, so it might take a few weeks...


----------



## TXTrini

Hiner112 said:


> I've been talking to someone for a while and when I had talked about my relationship experience (IE one person) and how I would probably have a mindset similar to the one I approached my first relationship (IE relatively slow paced). It was at about that time she started referring to my mind and heart as "sexy". There's a good chance that, if we get along as well in person as we have remotely, we'll end up having a _very_ good time together...
> 
> A motivated couple could have more sex during one of those weekends than I had during the last year of my marriage so there's that...
> 
> I would be less worried about feeling used and more worried that I sucked.


Great update, Hiney Baby! 💘 . A man adept at mental foreplay is 🔥 🥵! When are you two going out?


----------



## TXTrini

Elizabeth001 said:


> In getting to know me for who I am…not just how hot he thinks I am.
> 
> Or at least that’s a big part of it for me.
> 
> I need mental sex…not just physical and that can’t happen for me with a one night stand.
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Yes! I LOVE sexy banter without getting crude, it's incredibly stimulating. Heck, 18 months later, we still do that even though sex is a given. 

No mental connection = mechanical meh sex not worth getting undressed. 



In Absentia said:


> If I get to 3 dates, then I'm interested. Sex? I like to be chased, so it might take a few weeks...


Please rethink this, most women will next you as low interest and not masculine unless they're desperate. It might work if you're super sexy though.


----------



## Elizabeth001

TXTrini said:


> Yes! I LOVE sexy banter without getting crude, it's incredibly stimulating. Heck, 18 months later, we still do that even though sex is a given.
> 
> No mental connection = mechanical meh sex not worth getting undressed.
> 
> 
> Please rethink this, most women will next you as low interest and not masculine unless they're desperate. It might work if you're super sexy though.


I would totally hit it. I GET it. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Hiner112

TXTrini said:


> Great update, Hiney Baby! 💘 . A man adept at mental foreplay is 🔥 🥵! When are you two going out?


I _think_ we'll get to do a lunch next week though I'm almost certain something will come up because something always has so far.

It will probably be August and maybe not even early August until we will be able to organize an evening date. In theory, custody should be getting to 50/50 and an every other weekend kind of schedule "soon" instead of 100% me like it has been all summer.


----------



## Lila

I'll admit that I am not compatible with men, particularly in my age bracket (43-53), who expect sex by the third date.

To me there is soooo much more to determining sexual compatibility than the fun sexy talk and talking about sexual preferences.

I've said it before but I do have to feel comfortable and safe to go there with a man. Part of that is sharing STD test results and discussing erectile dysfunction (and ways they address it). I'll also add that I still have to have the birth control discussion because I'm fertile and use non-hormonal birth control. I haven't had any accidental pregnancies but it's something that can happen and must be discussed. These are the less-than-fun topics that IMO should be addressed well before the fun sexy times.

I'm not afraid to bring up these topics but i also believe that there's a place and a time to do so. It usually goes hand in hand with how comfortable I (or they) feel. Based on my experiences, it's not by the third date (assumes average 2 hour dates).


----------



## In Absentia

Lila said:


> discussing erectile dysfunction (and ways they address it).


Do you really ask men if they still get it up at 45?


----------



## Lila

In Absentia said:


> Do you really ask men if they still get it up at 45?


A resounding YES! In this age bracket it's more a mental than physical issue. 

The big three culprits are 1. performance anxiety, particularly with a new partner; 2. condom use; and 3. stress.


----------



## In Absentia

Lila said:


> A resounding YES! In this age bracket it's more a mental than physical issue.
> 
> The big three culprits are 1. performance anxiety, particularly with a new partner; 2. condom use; and 3. stress.


ok, I'm 58 and I don't have problems (yet)... that said, if you asked me, I would probably laugh (in a good way) and reply to your question with no problems...


----------



## Lila

In Absentia said:


> ok, I'm 58 and I don't have problems (yet)... that said, if you asked me, I would probably laugh (in a good way) and reply to your question with no problems...


Count your blessings @In Absentia but don't get cocky (no pun intended). It's a whole 'nuther story when you're with someone new and/or you bring condoms into the picture.


----------



## Numb26

Lila said:


> Count your blessings @In Absentia but don't get cocky (no pun intended). It's a whole 'nuther story when you're with someone new and/or you bring condoms into the picture.


Thankfully I haven't had any of these problems


----------



## In Absentia

Lila said:


> Count your blessings @In Absentia but don't get cocky (no pun intended). It's a whole 'nuther story when you're with someone new and/or you bring condoms into the picture.


I don't think I'll find myself in that kind of situation again. I'm done with "relationships"....


----------



## Livvie

Lila said:


> Count your blessings @In Absentia but don't get cocky (no pun intended). It's a whole 'nuther story when you're with someone new and/or you bring condoms into the picture.


I agree. Also, how many _decades_ has it been since you have been with anyone other than your current wife?


----------



## In Absentia

Livvie said:


> I agree. Also, how many _decades_ has it been since you have been with anyone other than your current wife?


lol... I was 22... I'm 58 now. Not good at maths, you count...  My problem is that, even before that, I found "relationships" very disappointing in general. I'm a giver and people seem to be too selfish to me. Not talking about my wife specifically, although she was the queen of selfish, and stupidity, for keeping her issues to herself. I think I'm too romantic and idealistic to survive more disappointments. It's one of my many flaws.


----------



## Lila

In Absentia said:


> I don't think I'll find myself in that kind of situation again. I'm done with "relationships"....


@In Absentia don't let fear of being alone keep you in a ****ty relationship. First step for you is to actually get divorced. Without that step, there is no reason to even think about what your future could hold.


----------



## In Absentia

Lila said:


> @In Absentia don't let fear of being alone keep you in a ****ty relationship. First step for you is to actually get divorced. Without that step, there is no reason to even think about what your future could hold.


yeah, I will get there, but the only way for me to heal is not to think of my future in terms on new relationships. I will only get even more anxious. That wouldn't help. I need to be free in my head first. Hopefully, I will be able to resume therapy soon.


----------



## Hiner112

Lila said:


> I'll admit that I am not compatible with men, particularly in my age bracket (43-53), who expect sex by the third date.
> 
> To me there is soooo much more to determining sexual compatibility than the fun sexy talk and talking about sexual preferences.
> 
> I've said it before but I do have to feel comfortable and safe to go there with a man. Part of that is sharing STD test results and discussing erectile dysfunction (and ways they address it). I'll also add that I still have to have the birth control discussion because I'm fertile and use non-hormonal birth control. I haven't had any accidental pregnancies but it's something that can happen and must be discussed. These are the less-than-fun topics that IMO should be addressed well before the fun sexy times.
> 
> I'm not afraid to bring up these topics but i also believe that there's a place and a time to do so. It usually goes hand in hand with how comfortable I (or they) feel. Based on my experiences, it's not by the third date (assumes average 2 hour dates).


I'm not sure about expectations but I wouldn't be surprised if sex happened "sooner" with the person I'm talking to now. She's mentioned a few times how safe and comfortable she feels talking with me (as I do with her). 

The ED discussion sort of came up but in an indirect way. She'd said something like she missed sex since her last breakup but didn't want to rush things and I responded by saying that I had never been with anyone other than my ex and that was a long time ago so I'd have to be comfortable in the knowledge that whatever happened (or didn't happen) they'd be patient and kind which wouldn't necessarily happen right away. I have to make awkward adjustments a couple times a day so it would have to be a mental and not medical problem if I have a problem. I didn't share that last part.

I'm neutered so I'm not 100% sure if condoms are going to be an issue but they will be available. I haven't worn one since at least 2005 (when my ex became pregnant with our firstborn) so that could be interesting. We haven't actually talked about that particular issue, yet.

I guess we lack some of the filters you have since we talked about this stuff a week or two after the first message exchange.


----------



## In Absentia

Hiner112 said:


> I'm neutered


Lol, I like the term... two of us!


----------



## RebuildingMe

Hiner112 said:


> I'm not sure about expectations but I wouldn't be surprised if sex happened "sooner" with the person I'm talking to now. She's mentioned a few times how safe and comfortable she feels talking with me (as I do with her).
> 
> The ED discussion sort of came up but in an indirect way. She'd said something like she missed sex since her last breakup but didn't want to rush things and I responded by saying that I had never been with anyone other than my ex and that was a long time ago so I'd have to be comfortable in the knowledge that whatever happened (or didn't happen) they'd be patient and kind which wouldn't necessarily happen right away. I have to make awkward adjustments a couple times a day so it would have to be a mental and not medical problem if I have a problem. I didn't share that last part.
> 
> I'm neutered so I'm not 100% sure if condoms are going to be an issue but they will be available. I haven't worn one since at least 2005 (when my ex became pregnant with our firstborn) so that could be interesting. We haven't actually talked about that particular issue, yet.
> 
> I guess we lack some of the filters you have since we talked about this stuff a week or two after the first message exchange.


Since it’s been awhile for you and you’ve never been with anyone else, she should understand that fireworks won’t happen immediately. See your doctor about a blue pill to cover the performance anxiety. That should dissipate after a couple of weeks, depending how many times you have sex over that time period. Get STD testing. Both of you. If you both come back clean, and she still makes you bag it even though you’re fixed, I be more than a little pissed. Good luck brother!


----------



## Hiner112

RebuildingMe said:


> Since it’s been awhile for you and you’ve never been with anyone else, she should understand that fireworks won’t happen immediately. See your doctor about a blue pill to cover the performance anxiety. That should dissipate after a couple of weeks, depending how many times you have sex over that time period. Get STD testing. Both of you. If you both come back clean, and she still makes you bag it even though you’re fixed, I be more than a little pissed. Good luck brother!


I think she's assuming that there will be issues since she's since said that "we'll figure out sex when it comes to that" more than once. I'll probably make sure she gets hers first (maybe before I even take my clothes off) just to take the edge off.

Honestly, it is a lot more likely that she'll be saying "Again? Already?" and not "That's too bad".

I'm kind of indifferent to the potential use of a condom. It is less "stimulating" from what I remember but that might be what I need...


----------



## Lila

Hiner112 said:


> I'm not sure about expectations but I wouldn't be surprised if sex happened "sooner" with the person I'm talking to now. She's mentioned a few times how safe and comfortable she feels talking with me (as I do with her).
> 
> The ED discussion sort of came up but in an indirect way. She'd said something like she missed sex since her last breakup but didn't want to rush things and I responded by saying that I had never been with anyone other than my ex and that was a long time ago so I'd have to be comfortable in the knowledge that whatever happened (or didn't happen) they'd be patient and kind which wouldn't necessarily happen right away. I have to make awkward adjustments a couple times a day so it would have to be a mental and not medical problem if I have a problem. I didn't share that last part.
> 
> I'm neutered so I'm not 100% sure if condoms are going to be an issue but they will be available. I haven't worn one since at least 2005 (when my ex became pregnant with our firstborn) so that could be interesting. We haven't actually talked about that particular issue, yet.
> 
> I guess we lack some of the filters you have since we talked about this stuff a week or two after the first message exchange.


@Hiner112, remind me (because I may be getting your story confused with someone else) but have you been on actual dates with this lady? I vaguely recall you saying that you have but because of your custody schedules, it's been a while since you've seen each other. 

Anyway, I usually post in general terms (not specific to me) because I don't want people to feel like my filters are the "right way". It's not. You and your lady friend sound like you've done a lot of getting to know each other virtually and you've discussed the things that are important to the two of you. As long as you two are in agreement and feel the same about each other, then that's all that matters. Do you think you'll have the STD testing conversation?


----------



## RebuildingMe

Hiner112 said:


> I think she's assuming that there will be issues since she's since said that "we'll figure out sex when it comes to that" more than once. I'll probably make sure she gets hers first (maybe before I even take my clothes off) just to take the edge off.
> 
> Honestly, it is a lot more likely that she'll be saying "Again? Already?" and not "That's too bad".
> 
> I'm kind of indifferent to the potential use of a condom. It is less "stimulating" from what I remember but that might be what I need...


She sounds cool and she sounds like she’s going to take the pressure off of you, which is good. Be careful with the whole condom thing. You don’t want to get involved with one of those people grossed out by the whole bodily fluids thing. That’s another nightmare in itself.


----------



## Hiner112

Lila said:


> @Hiner112, remind me (because I may be getting your story confused with someone else) but have you been on actual dates with this lady? I vaguely recall you saying that you have but because of your custody schedules, it's been a while since you've seen each other.
> 
> Anyway, I usually post in general terms (not specific to me) because I don't want people to feel like my filters are the "right way". It's not. You and your lady friend sound like you've done a lot of getting to know each other virtually and you've discussed the things that are important to the two of you. As long as you two are in agreement and feel the same about each other, then that's all that matters. Do you think you'll have the STD testing conversation?


We had a date planned one weekend and then there was some custody drama that got it canceled. Back in early June custody went from 50/50 to 100% me which kind of put the kibosh on any plans we'd had. In early August custody _should_ be going back to 50/50 which helps a ton. Her step daughter is a mother herself so she has less family obligations that way but she has been a step parent and a divorced one at that so she's been understanding and patient about it. 

As for STD testing, she did say that her last relationship ended with cheating and she got a test then. I guess I could get a test but given my dating history something showing up would be pretty surprising. She hasn't said anything about wanting me to get tested. _shrug_


----------



## TXTrini

Hiner112 said:


> I _think_ we'll get to do a lunch next week though I'm almost certain something will come up because something always has so far.
> 
> It will probably be August and maybe not even early August until we will be able to organize an evening date. In theory, custody should be getting to 50/50 and an every other weekend kind of schedule "soon" instead of 100% me like it has been all summer.


Awes! Definitely keep us posted! 


Hiner112 said:


> I'm not sure about expectations but I wouldn't be surprised if sex happened "sooner" with the person I'm talking to now. She's mentioned a few times how safe and comfortable she feels talking with me (as I do with her).
> 
> The ED discussion sort of came up but in an indirect way. She'd said something like she missed sex since her last breakup but didn't want to rush things and I responded by saying that I had never been with anyone other than my ex and that was a long time ago so I'd have to be comfortable in the knowledge that whatever happened (or didn't happen) they'd be patient and kind which wouldn't necessarily happen right away. I have to make awkward adjustments a couple times a day so it would have to be a mental and not medical problem if I have a problem. I didn't share that last part.
> 
> I'm neutered so I'm not 100% sure if condoms are going to be an issue but they will be available. I haven't worn one since at least 2005 (when my ex became pregnant with our firstborn) so that could be interesting. We haven't actually talked about that particular issue, yet.
> 
> I guess we lack some of the filters you have since we talked about this stuff a week or two after the first message exchange.


Be prepared with condoms until you guys are bf/gf. I know RebuildingMe is leery about bodily fluid averse women, but expecting to raw dog early on unless you both trust each other enough not to be screwing around is chancy.

Even with STD tests, you only have a stranger's word they haven't had unprotected sex since the test. Do you really want to put your health in the hands of someone you don't know enough to trust?



Hiner112 said:


> We had a date planned one weekend and then there was some custody drama that got it canceled. Back in early June custody went from 50/50 to 100% me which kind of put the kibosh on any plans we'd had. In early August custody _should_ be going back to 50/50 which helps a ton. Her step daughter is a mother herself so she has less family obligations that way but she has been a step parent and a divorced one at that so she's been understanding and patient about it.
> 
> As for STD testing, she did say that her last relationship ended with cheating and she got a test then. I guess I could get a test but given my dating history something showing up would be pretty surprising. She hasn't said anything about wanting me to get tested. _shrug_


What are you waiting on marine? Be prepared toget jiggy with it !
(Did I remember right?)


----------



## TXTrini

In Absentia said:


> Do you really ask men if they still get it up at 45?


Yes!
ED isn't just an age thing. I wasn't prepared to deal what in a hurry after my sexless marriage.


----------



## In Absentia

TXTrini said:


> Yes!
> ED isn't just an age thing. I wasn't prepared to deal what in a hurry after my sexless marriage.


ok, I guess I a man, and I know my inner workings  so it actually never crossed my mind that ladies would ask such questions.


----------



## Blondilocks

Why isn't there a dating site dedicated to LAT seekers? Or, at least a sub forum. Wouldn't that help to narrow the search?


----------



## Lila

Blondilocks said:


> Why isn't there a dating site dedicated to LAT seekers? Or, at least a sub forum. Wouldn't that help to narrow the search?


What is LAT?


----------



## bobert

Lila said:


> What is LAT?


I assumed it was Living Apart Together, but I could be wrong...


----------



## Numb26

bobert said:


> I assumed it was Living Apart Together, but I could be wrong...


I was thinking Large And Tall


----------



## Lila

bobert said:


> I assumed it was Living Apart Together, but I could be wrong...





Numb26 said:


> I was thinking Large And Tall


🤣🤣🤣 I thought it was Lesbian and Transgender. 

This is like a Rorschach test


----------



## Blondilocks

Lila said:


> What is LAT?


Living apart together.


----------



## In Absentia

Blondilocks said:


> Living apart together.


ah, I was going for Linear Attenuation Coefficient...


----------



## Lila

Blondilocks said:


> Living apart together.


Is that what you are seeking? Just curious as this seems to be pretty common nowadays. I'm not being judgemental but I call it FWB. It's what I currently have. He looks after me and I look after him but we have fundamental differences that make being 100% together (all of the time) impossible. 3 days is about our max and thats if he's on his best behavior and when he breaks, I don't take the bait. Otherwise we argue like cats and dogs. Lots of passion there ALL the way around. 🙄


----------



## Blondilocks

Lila said:


> *Is that what you are seeking? * Just curious as this seems to be pretty common nowadays. I'm not being judgemental but I call it FWB. It's what I currently have. He looks after me and I look after him but we have fundamental differences that make being 100% together (all of the time) impossible. 3 days is about our max and thats if he's on his best behavior and when he breaks, I don't take the bait. Otherwise we argue like cats and dogs. Lots of passion there ALL the way around. 🙄


Oh, hell no! I was married for 43 years (together 45) when he passed on. Loved my husband to pieces and am still in love with him. I wouldn't wish me on any man. For some of us, there is only one. 

Besides, I don't have the patience and wherewithal to train another one.


----------



## Personal

Blondilocks said:


> Loved my husband to pieces and am still in love with him.


Swoon.


----------



## TXTrini

In Absentia said:


> ok, I guess I a man, and I know my inner workings  so it actually never crossed my mind that ladies would ask such questions.


Most women may not, so you'll be fine. My thinking was based on my history, so I simply didn't want to deal with it again. I'd forgotten how awesome it was to be with someone with no issues.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Lila said:


> Is that what you are seeking? Just curious as this seems to be pretty common nowadays. I'm not being judgemental but I call it FWB. It's what I currently have. He looks after me and I look after him but we have fundamental differences that make being 100% together (all of the time) impossible. 3 days is about our max and thats if he's on his best behavior and when he breaks, I don't take the bait. Otherwise we argue like cats and dogs. Lots of passion there ALL the way around. 🙄


The only thing I don’t agree with is LAT and FWB are the same. I consider my LTR monogamous where FWB has absolutely no commitment level or expectation of monogamy.


----------



## TXTrini

RebuildingMe said:


> The only thing I don’t agree with is LAT and FWB are the same. I consider my LTR monogamous where FWB has absolutely no commitment level or expectation of monogamy.


Yeah, I learned this one the hard way, which is why I started dating looking for a relationship. Even if both people agree to be monogamous, some people are shady. Unless it's someone you've known a long time who won't do you dirty. Literally... Ewww


----------



## Openminded

Lila said:


> Is that what you are seeking? Just curious as this seems to be pretty common nowadays. I'm not being judgemental but I call it FWB. It's what I currently have. He looks after me and I look after him but we have fundamental differences that make being 100% together (all of the time) impossible. 3 days is about our max and thats if he's on his best behavior and when he breaks, I don't take the bait. Otherwise we argue like cats and dogs. Lots of passion there ALL the way around. 🙄


My understanding of LATs is that they are relationships for people who want to be together, and monogamous, but, for various reasons, do not live together. Sometimes they’re married and living apart through choice or distance and that could be temporary or permanent. Maybe they don’t want to blend families or households. Maybe they’re comfortable with friends and family nearby and don’t want to move. There are many reasons. If I were interested in a relationship again (instead of just occasional dating if and when I happen to think about it) that’s what I would do. No way at my age would I want to live with someone full-time again. I like my own space too much. Many LATs do too. I think there will be more and more of that lifestyle.


----------



## Lila

RebuildingMe said:


> The only thing I don’t agree with is LAT and FWB are the same. I consider my LTR monogamous where FWB has absolutely no commitment level or expectation of monogamy.



All relationships are a series of negotiations and compromises. I know people who are in a FWB / LAT relationship where they are sexually monogamous. 

I never thought I would think this way but the longer I'm single, the less I prioritize monogamy. I do prioritize commitment and friendship.


----------



## Hiner112

TXTrini said:


> Awes! Definitely keep us posted!
> 
> Be prepared with condoms until you guys are bf/gf. I know RebuildingMe is leery about bodily fluid averse women, but expecting to raw dog early on unless you both trust each other enough not to be screwing around is chancy.
> 
> Even with STD tests, you only have a stranger's word they haven't had unprotected sex since the test. Do you really want to put your health in the hands of someone you don't know enough to trust?
> 
> 
> What are you waiting on marine? Be prepared to get jiggy with it !
> (Did I remember right?)


Well, at least as of the night before the date plans haven't blown up yet.

I doubt we'll have any need for condoms on a lunch date though I do have some in my bathroom closet. _shrug_ maybe I'll put them in the glove compartment.

The closest we might come to swapping bodily fluids is probably trying each other's dish. Probably.

You did remember right. It is funny though. She was Army and outranked me by a _wide_ margin (Major vs Corporal). I made a joke about saluting her when we met but she wasn't amused. "Please don't" We'll save that joke for date #2 or 3.

Now it's time to go trim the whiskers.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Hiner112 said:


> Well, at least as of the night before the date plans haven't blown up yet.
> 
> I doubt we'll have any need for condoms on a lunch date though I do have some in my bathroom closet. _shrug_ maybe I'll put them in the glove compartment.
> 
> The closest we might come to swapping bodily fluids is probably trying each other's dish. Probably.
> 
> You did remember right. It is funny though. She was Army and outranked me by a _wide_ margin (Major vs Corporal). I made a joke about saluting her when we met but she wasn't amused. "Please don't" We'll save that joke for date #2 or 3.
> 
> Now it's time to go trim the whiskers.


Good luck! I’m glad you’re getting out there. Now go knock the rust off!


----------



## In Absentia

If I ever dated again (which is not going to happen), I would go for a LAT... no more living together and compromise ********...


----------



## LisaDiane

Well, I'm finally moving forward with my STBX...I filed for divorce last week...!!!! 

What a HUGE relief!!!!!!! 

But it also feels...I don't know, ODD maybe...? It's hard to define...but not necessarily negative.


----------



## Lila

In Absentia said:


> If I ever dated again (which is not going to happen), I would go for a LAT... no more living together and compromise ******...


Just remember the compromise road runs both ways.


----------



## Lila

LisaDiane said:


> Well, I'm finally moving forward with my STBX...I filed for divorce last week...!!!!
> 
> What a HUGE relief!!!!!!!
> 
> But it also feels...I don't know, ODD maybe...? It's hard to define...but not necessarily negative.


I completely get this. It's a change. You're no longer part of Team married. That one took some getting used to for me.


----------



## In Absentia

Lila said:


> Just remember the compromise road runs both ways.


Meaning?


----------



## Lila

In Absentia said:


> Meaning?


You don't want to compromise ever again but don't expect the person you may find yourself with to want to compromise either.


----------



## In Absentia

Lila said:


> You don't want to compromise ever again but don't expect the person you may find yourself with to want to compromise either.


Why would I? I know it works both way. It would be silly, otherwise.


----------



## Lila

In Absentia said:


> Why would I? I know it works both way. It would be silly, otherwise.


You're not there yet but you would be surprised by how many people forget this. 🙄


----------



## In Absentia

Lila said:


> You're not there yet but you would be surprised by how many people forget this. 🙄


Interesting...


----------



## LisaDiane

In Absentia said:


> If I ever dated again (which is not going to happen), I would go for a LAT... no more living together and compromise ******...


But you HAVE TO compromise sometimes, with everything...it's part of life and any relationship (platonic, family, romantic).

As long as you are in a relationship where you feel free to be honest about what you want, including saying No to requests (and can handle the consequences of that), why would compromise be so unpalatable to you?
It can actually be very good for personal growth and deepening feelings of love and connection!


----------



## In Absentia

LisaDiane said:


> But you HAVE TO compromise sometimes, with everything...it's part of life and any relationship (platonic, family, romantic).
> 
> As long as you are in a relationship where you feel free to be honest about what you want, including saying No to requests (and can handle the consequences of that), why would compromise be so unpalatable to you?
> It can actually be very good for personal growth and deepening feelings of love and connection!


I think it's because I compromised all my life and look where I've ended up. Just the thought of having to go through all of that again, waiting for morsels of happiness to be thrown at me is terrifying. I want to make my own happiness. I don't want to be dependent on others. I equal compromise to conflict and I'm tired of conflict.


----------



## LisaDiane

Lila said:


> I completely get this. It's a change. You're no longer part of Team married. That one took some getting used to for me.


YES, you've described it exactly!

The other morning, I drove my STBX to work at 5am because his car isn't running well and I needed mine that day to run around for the lawyer stuff, and on my way back as I was driving alone in the dark, I was struck with the reality of what is happening to me and what I am doing -- I am ending my 20 year relationship, and I will be alone. Really ALONE.

I won't have a husband or partner AT ALL. And even though I've been very lonely with him and he hasn't been any kind of decent partner to me for over 3 years, it was still a strange, disconcerting feeling for a fleeting moment!
It passed quickly and then I analyzed my feelings for the rest of the 10 minute drive home.

I am NOT afraid to be alone at all, in fact sometimes I even need it! And I've been dreaming of being free from him for over a year, since he started being really mean to me...I have NO doubts that I want to be away from him forever.
But things are going to really change for me now...and I don't normally like or want change...apparently even if it's changes for the better!


----------



## LisaDiane

In Absentia said:


> I think it's because I compromised all my life and look where I've ended up. Just the thought of having to go through all of that again, waiting for morsels of happiness thrown at me is terrifying. I want to make my own happiness. I don't want to be dependent on others. I see compromise as conflict and I'm tired of conflict.


I see what you mean (I even personally understand how you feel!)...but I believe there is a difference between compromise and concession. If you are begrudgingly surrendering your needs to the whims of another person who will never reciprocate, you are having a VERY different experience than you would by compromising with a sense of caring and spiritual generosity in order to meet the needs of a person who is important to you, that will many times resolve any conflict.

I am strongly opposed to conceding my needs to a selfish person...I am endlessly hopeful about compromising with a caring person!


----------



## In Absentia

LisaDiane said:


> I am strongly opposed to conceding my needs to a selfish person...I am endlessly hopeful about compromising with a caring person!


I get it, but I've been burned so badly that I don't feel inclined to risk it. I'm too old for that!


----------



## LisaDiane

In Absentia said:


> I get it, but I've been burned so badly that I don't feel inclined to risk it. I'm too old for that!


"Old"...HA!!!!! Silly man!!!


----------



## RebuildingMe

LisaDiane said:


> YES, you've described it exactly!
> 
> The other morning, I drove my STBX to work at 5am because his car isn't running well and I needed mine that day to run around for the lawyer stuff, and on my way back as I was driving alone in the dark, I was struck with the reality of what is happening to me and what I am doing -- I am ending my 20 year relationship, and I will be alone. Really ALONE.
> 
> I won't have a husband or partner AT ALL. And even though I've been very lonely with him and he hasn't been any kind of decent partner to me for over 3 years, it was still a strange, disconcerting feeling for a fleeting moment!
> It passed quickly and then I analyzed my feelings for the rest of the 10 minute drive home.
> 
> I am NOT afraid to be alone at all, in fact sometimes I even need it! And I've been dreaming of being free from him for over a year, since he started being really mean to me...I have NO doubts that I want to be away from him forever.
> But things are going to really change for me now...and I don't normally like or want change...apparently even if it's changes for the better!


You will embrace ALONE, you will come to appreciate ALONE, hell, you might even fall in love with ALONE.


----------



## LisaDiane

RebuildingMe said:


> You will embrace ALONE, you will come to appreciate ALONE, hell, you might even fall in love with ALONE.


Thank you, Bam Bam!! 
Like I said, I actually do enjoy being alone sometimes...that's why the feeling was so strange!


----------



## TXTrini

LisaDiane said:


> Well, I'm finally moving forward with my STBX...I filed for divorce last week...!!!!
> 
> What a HUGE relief!!!!!!!
> 
> But it also feels...I don't know, ODD maybe...? It's hard to define...but not necessarily negative.


Wow! You really did it! I get that it's super scary, I felt the same even though I knew I had to do it.


In Absentia said:


> I think it's because I compromised all my life and look where I've ended up. Just the thought of having to go through all of that again, waiting for morsels of happiness to be thrown at me is terrifying. I want to make my own happiness. I don't want to be dependent on others. I equal compromise to conflict and I'm tired of conflict.


I'm struggling with this very issue at the moment. I'm determined not to do everything I did for my ex for any man again to avoid being taken advantage of. I'll caution you, it can come across as aloof, uncaring, so you might drive away someone who cares about you if you're too unyielding. 

It's a fine line to walk, but try to go for balance in everything. Don't invest in someone who doesn't invest in you, I don't mean keep score, b/c that's not good either. I suppose this is where people with codependent tendencies need to be aware of their boundaries and enforce them, gently but firmly to avoid going down that rabbit hole again.


LisaDiane said:


> I see what you mean (I even personally understand how you feel!)...but I believe there is a difference between compromise and concession. If you are begrudgingly surrendering your needs to the whims of another person who will never reciprocate, you are having a VERY different experience than you would by compromising with a sense of caring and spiritual generosity in order to meet the needs of a person who is important to you, that will many times resolve any conflict.
> 
> I am strongly opposed to conceding my needs to a selfish person...I am endlessly hopeful about compromising with a caring person!


Thank you!


----------



## Blondilocks

LisaDiane said:


> Well, I'm finally moving forward with my STBX...I filed for divorce last week...!!!!
> 
> What a HUGE relief!!!!!!!
> 
> But it also feels...I don't know, ODD maybe...? It's hard to define...but not necessarily negative.


Does your husband know that you filed? If so, how did he react?


----------



## LisaDiane

TXTrini said:


> Wow! You really did it! I get that it's super scary, I felt the same even though I knew I had to do it.


I DID!!! I couldn't wait to tell you! 



TXTrini said:


> Thank you!


You're welcome!!! 🧡


----------



## LisaDiane

Blondilocks said:


> Does your husband know that you filed? If so, how did he react?


YES...I told him we needed to move forward with it first, just so I would know what his reaction would be. He's become unpredictable in the past 2 years, so I didn't want any surprises for him (and as a consequence, ME).

He reacted PERFECTLY. He said he met someone else, and so he's ready to move on as well!!! I was SO relieved!
I filed the next day, so he can't change his mind and blame me for anything!

He actually made a few comments of sympathy about the fact that I would be losing him, which made me laugh inwardly because he's been such a nightmare for the past 3 years...outwardly, I told him not to worry, I would be just FINE (actually, I will be fantastic! Lol!!).


----------



## TXTrini

LisaDiane said:


> YES...I told him we needed to move forward with it first, just so I would know what his reaction would be. He's become unpredictable in the past 2 years, so I didn't want any surprises for him (and as a consequence, ME).
> 
> He reacted PERFECTLY. He said he met someone else, and so he's ready to move on as well!!! I was SO relieved!
> I filed the next day, so he can't change his mind and blame me for anything!
> 
> He actually made a few comments of sympathy about the fact that I would be losing him, which made me laugh inwardly because he's been such a nightmare for the past 3 years...outwardly, I told him not to worry, I would be just FINE (actually, I will be fantastic! Lol!!).


Now you know the reason he's been such a nightmare. What a *****!

I'm happy you decided to move forward with your life, love. You deserve much better, even if that's simply peace.


----------



## LisaDiane

TXTrini said:


> Now you know the reason he's been such a nightmare. What a ***!
> 
> I'm happy you decided to move forward with your life, love. You deserve much better, even if that's simply peace.


Actually, the nightmare part came first...if I get a chance this week, I've got to PM you...!!!!!


----------



## TXTrini

LisaDiane said:


> Actually, the nightmare part came first...if I get a chance this week, I've got to PM you...!!!!!


Sure chick, take your time. I'm a raging cookieholic today anyways.


----------



## Hiner112

Well, I've had my first first date date since the late 90s.

We were at the sandwich shop for about three and a half hours. She's got some of the same conversational ticks I do. I'm not going to diagnose us but it will probably be somewhat comfortable interacting with some of the same tendencies. I'm about 90% sure her favorite word when she's talking to someone in person is "indeed".

Ended with a hug.

She blushed when she said that she liked me and wanted to see me again so that's encouraging. That doesn't necessarily help to plan the next time we can get together though _sigh_.


----------



## Hopeful Cynic

Lila said:


> You don't want to compromise ever again but don't expect the person you may find yourself with to want to compromise either.


If only one person is doing it, it ain't compromise.


----------



## In Absentia

TXTrini said:


> I'm struggling with this very issue at the moment. I'm determined not to do everything I did for my ex for any man again to avoid being taken advantage of. I'll caution you, it can come across as aloof, uncaring, so you might drive away someone who cares about you if you're too unyielding.


I'm tired of doing everything for everybody and then being treated like ****, basically. I know it's a personal (negative) trait of mine, but I'm exhausted. I just want to live my own life now.


----------



## Hiner112

So, I'm not sure if it is an indicator of a mental condition but we had a long text exchange about how we felt during the date.

For instance she felt like she talked too much and didn't maintain eye contact as much as she should. I kind of realized about half way through that I was leaning forward and not breaking eye contact _ever_ so I tried to assume a more relaxed posture. Neither of us were as bothered about the concerns as we were worried about them.


----------



## Livvie

In Absentia said:


> I'm tired of doing everything for everybody and then being treated like ****, basically. I know it's a personal (negative) trait of mine, but I'm exhausted. I just want to live my own life now.


You're tired because your wife is a dud.

A good woman would be a true partner who enhanced your life and would do as much for you as you do for her, and would bring daily care, joy, and love into your life. 

My parents just celebrated their 60th anniversary. They spent 3 days at an inn on a lake, went kayaking, had special dinners and brought champagne to celebrate in their room. They've had mutual care, love and fun as long as I've known them. And yeah, I'd bet a lot they had sex during their getaway, too.


----------



## In Absentia

Livvie said:


> You're tired because your wife is a dud.
> 
> A good woman would be a true partner who enhanced your life and would do as much for you as you do for her, and would bring daily care, joy, and love into your life.
> 
> My parents just celebrated their 60th anniversary. They spent 3 days at an inn on a lake, went kayaking, had special dinners and brought champagne to celebrate in their room. They've had mutual care, love and fun as long as I've known them. And yeah, I'd bet a lot they had sex during their getaway, too.


Yes, you are right of course. My bad for not leaving earlier. You get trapped after the kids, although that's not an excuse. It was my co-dependency and attachment issues, on top of hers. Treating her as a "normal" person. I married my mother trying to escape from my violent father, avoiding my cynical brother. I paid for my weaknesses.


----------



## Livvie

In Absentia said:


> Yes, you are right of course. My bad for not leaving earlier. You get trapped after the kids, although that's not an excuse. It was my co-dependency and attachment issues, on top of hers. Treating her as a "normal" person. I married my mother trying to escape from my violent father, avoiding my cynical brother. I paid for my weaknesses.


You have plenty of time left to find a good life partner.


----------



## In Absentia

Livvie said:


> You have plenty of time left to find a good life partner.


Not sure if I want another relationship, but never say never.... 🙂


----------



## TXTrini

In Absentia said:


> I'm tired of doing everything for everybody and then being treated like ****, basically. I know it's a personal (negative) trait of mine, but I'm exhausted. I just want to live my own life now.


I completely understand  . Here's what's helped me to ease up on that, maybe it might help you...

My therapist and I touched on it, b/c it came up when he said I tended to minimize the bad things that happened to me like it was not a big deal and use it to keep people away. Part of that involved overcompensating in actions to avoid being treated badly. 

That obviously doesn't work, b/c everyone has different expectations. The way to not get disappointed is to know and maintain boundaries. So his advice was to be authentic, communicate my feelings clearly and live in the moment. It's really hard for me, I'm used to being stoic and self-contained, the one who everyone turns to when they need something or are in a crisis. But that does no one, especially myself any favors. 

It's been a shock for everyone, b/c I am more outspoken and can come across like an asshole at times, but I'm a work in progress. I've actually gotten more respect for speaking my mind and not trying to smooth things over, and quite frankly I was at the point where I didn't care if I lost relationships over it, including close family. People instinctively take advantage where they can, it's up to you to push back. 

I don't know if you also have problems accepting help like I do, but you need to learn to be a gracious taker sometimes. People do things in their own way, but everyone's afraid to have their efforts rejected. Accept that people's idea of reciprocation will not mirror yours, and you'll be much happier. I am.


----------



## TXTrini

Hiner112 said:


> So, I'm not sure if it is an indicator of a mental condition but we had a long text exchange about how we felt during the date.
> 
> For instance she felt like she talked too much and didn't maintain eye contact as much as she should. I kind of realized about half way through that I was leaning forward and not breaking eye contact _ever_ so I tried to assume a more relaxed posture. Neither of us were as bothered about the concerns as we were worried about them.


It sounds like both of you had a great time and were nervous! She wants to make sure you know she's interested. DOn't worry about doing things "right", focus on what matters! I hope you guys go out again soon.


----------



## In Absentia

TXTrini said:


> I completely understand  . Here's what's helped me to ease up on that, maybe it might help you...
> 
> My therapist and I touched on it, b/c it came up when he said I tended to minimize the bad things that happened to me like it was not a big deal and use it to keep people away. Part of that involved overcompensating in actions to avoid being treated badly.
> 
> That obviously doesn't work, b/c everyone has different expectations. The way to not get disappointed is to know and maintain boundaries. So his advice was to be authentic, communicate my feelings clearly and live in the moment. It's really hard for me, I'm used to being stoic and self-contained, the one who everyone turns to when they need something or are in a crisis. But that does no one, especially myself any favors.
> 
> It's been a shock for everyone, b/c I am more outspoken and can come across like an asshole at times, but I'm a work in progress. I've actually gotten more respect for speaking my mind and not trying to smooth things over, and quite frankly I was at the point where I didn't care if I lost relationships over it, including close family. People instinctively take advantage where they can, it's up to you to push back.
> 
> I don't know if you also have problems accepting help like I do, but you need to learn to be a gracious taker sometimes. People do things in their own way, but everyone's afraid to have their efforts rejected. Accept that people's idea of reciprocation will not mirror yours, and you'll be much happier. I am.


Again, all of this involves conflict and I'm tired of conflict. I even stopped going out like I used to. I can't stomach humanity right now. I'm happy on my own. I guess this is my way of saying **** off to everybody.


----------



## LisaDiane

Livvie said:


> You're tired because your wife is a dud.
> 
> *A good woman would be a true partner who enhanced your life and would do as much for you as you do for her, and would bring daily care, joy, and love into your life.*
> 
> My parents just celebrated their 60th anniversary. They spent 3 days at an inn on a lake, went kayaking, had special dinners and brought champagne to celebrate in their room. They've had mutual care, love and fun as long as I've known them. And yeah, I'd bet a lot they had sex during their getaway, too.


I LOVE this post!!!!! What I bolded is EXACTLY true, and I wish people would stop settling for less than this...if people were held to this standard as partners, we would have much more successful relationships all around!


----------



## LisaDiane

In Absentia said:


> Yes, you are right of course. My bad for not leaving earlier. You get trapped after the kids, although that's not an excuse. It was my co-dependency and attachment issues, on top of hers. Treating her as a "normal" person. I married my mother trying to escape from my violent father, avoiding my cynical brother. I paid for my weaknesses.


You need to DROP this sack of regret and self-blame RIGHT HERE -- drop it and don't look back. YOU are in charge of yourself and your choices from THIS moment forward, and every minute is a chance to take the steps that bring more satisfaction and joy into your life, no matter how small those steps are. Nothing is a waste, it's all LIFE, good and bad.

I also spent several years in my marriage hoping for something that was never going to happen, and it's easy now to look back and say, I should have known better, I should have done differently...but I did the best I could with what I was dealing with at the time. And I loved my STBX with my whole heart and gave him lots of chances, even when he didn't deserve it (at all)...but that's the kind of person I WANT to be, so I refuse to regret it even though I didn't get what I wanted by loving him that way.

You didn't leave soon enough for the YOU you are now...but to the more hopeful, naive YOU you were early on, it was better to stay. There is NO shame in that at all!

Now it's time for you to find what makes you happy at this point and put your hope and effort towards that.


----------



## LisaDiane

TXTrini said:


> Sure chick, take your time. I'm a raging cookieholic today anyways.


Lolol!!!! That's why you are SO AWESOME!!!!


----------



## LisaDiane

Hiner112 said:


> Well, I've had my first first date date since the late 90s.
> 
> We were at the sandwich shop for about three and a half hours. She's got some of the same conversational ticks I do. I'm not going to diagnose us but it will probably be somewhat comfortable interacting with some of the same tendencies. I'm about 90% sure her favorite word when she's talking to someone in person is "indeed".
> 
> Ended with a hug.
> 
> She blushed when she said that she liked me and wanted to see me again so that's encouraging. That doesn't necessarily help to plan the next time we can get together though _sigh_.


This makes me SO happy for you both!!!

I've actually never dated anyone (I was exclusive with both the men I married almost right after meeting them), and I'm a little shy and terrible at flirting, so I can't imagine how uncomfortable it will be for me when I get to that point too...<sigh!>



Hiner112 said:


> So, I'm not sure if it is an indicator of a mental condition but we had a long text exchange about how we felt during the date.
> 
> For instance she felt like she talked too much and didn't maintain eye contact as much as she should. I kind of realized about half way through that I was leaning forward and not breaking eye contact _ever_ so I tried to assume a more relaxed posture. Neither of us were as bothered about the concerns as we were worried about them.


I think this is very encouraging, especially because you seem to be able to understand eachother and are able to share these kinds of feelings with eachother!! I think you are both very sweet, which is wonderful to have between you!


----------



## TXTrini

In Absentia said:


> Again, all of this involves conflict and I'm tired of conflict. I even stopped going out like I used to. I can't stomach humanity right now. I'm happy on my own. I guess this is my way of saying **** off to everybody.


I don't do out more than I must, I live like a hermit and am quite content, so I get it. I'm at the point where I couldn't be bothered to try to be nice, and sometimes that's a rude shock when people think they can still tell me whatever they want and I'll just swallow it.

It doesn't have to be. You can cropdust... Drop the bombs and GTFO. Most of the time, people are too shocked to respond when I say something matter of factly in a tone that its not up for debate and get back to me later. Usually, by then they've through it through and either think I have a point, or bring their concerns, then we can settle the matter. Or... you don't give a crap anyway, and they can sod off.



LisaDiane said:


> You need to DROP this sack of regret and self-blame RIGHT HERE -- drop it and don't look back. YOU are in charge of yourself and your choices from THIS moment forward, and every minute is a chance to take the steps that bring more satisfaction and joy into your life, no matter how small those steps are. Nothing is a waste, it's all LIFE, good and bad.
> 
> I also spent several years in my marriage hoping for something that was never going to happen, and it's easy now to look back and say, I should have known better, I should have done differently...but I did the best I could with what I was dealing with at the time. And I loved my STBX with my whole heart and gave him lots of chances, even when he didn't deserve it (at all)...but that's the kind of person I WANT to be, so I refuse to regret it even though I didn't get what I wanted by loving him that way.
> 
> You didn't leave soon enough for the YOU you are now...but to the more hopeful, naive YOU you were early on, it was better to stay. There is NO shame in that at all!
> 
> Now it's time for you to find what makes you happy at this point and put your hope and effort towards that.


This^^^
The only thing you should regret NOW is what you're not doing NOW in this moment to change the status quo. Put the past in the past and move on.


----------



## In Absentia

LisaDiane said:


> You need to DROP this sack of regret and self-blame RIGHT HERE -- drop it and don't look back


I'm trying. It takes time.


----------



## In Absentia

TXTrini said:


> The only thing you should regret NOW is what you're not doing NOW in this moment to change the status quo. Put the past in the past and move on.


As I said, it takes time. I was 22 when I met my wife. I'm 58 now. That's 36 years of my life with her. I'm digesting it. I have accepted it and moving on, but it's not like a switch you can turn off and everything is hunky dory.


----------



## TXTrini

In Absentia said:


> As I said, it takes time. I was 22 when I met my wife. I'm 58 now. That's 36 years of my life with her. I'm digesting it. I have accepted it and moving on, but it's not like a switch you can turn off and everything is hunky dory.


I know it takes time, but if you knew you were going to die next week, would that affect your decision? Maybe my perspective is harsher, but there's been a few times I nearly died and I'm determined not to waste what life I have looking backward. 

I'm 42, spent nearly 20 years with my ex. He cheated on me and I still had a hard time letting go, but I had to remind myself I was choosing to waste my life on a man who didn't GAF about me. So I steeled myself, made myself leave, and used my anger to kill my love for him, even though I didn't want to.


----------



## LisaDiane

In Absentia said:


> I'm trying. It takes time.


Yes, it absolutely does, and you sound like you are doing really well lately.
I just want to make sure you don't get mired in self-blame, because that can hinder your healing!


----------



## LisaDiane

TXTrini said:


> I don't do out more than I must, *I live like a hermit *and am quite content, so I get it.


A COOKIE hermit!!! 😋


----------



## In Absentia

TXTrini said:


> I know it takes time, but if you knew you were going to die next week, would that affect your decision? Maybe my perspective is harsher, but there's been a few times I nearly died and I'm determined not to waste what life I have looking backward.
> 
> I'm 42, spent nearly 20 years with my ex. He cheated on me and I still had a hard time letting go, but I had to remind myself I was choosing to waste my life on a man who didn't GAF about me. So I steeled myself, made myself leave, and used my anger to kill my love for him, even though I didn't want to.


Sometimes I wish she cheated on me. It would have been a lot easier! Or maybe not...  The problem is that I keep dreaming about her. I have these awful dreams where we argue and she keeps pushing me away, reinforcing the dreadful feeling of rejection and all the pain I've been through. It's really horrible. I wake up so depressed.


----------



## In Absentia

LisaDiane said:


> Yes, it absolutely does, and you sound like you are doing really well lately.
> I just want to make sure you don't get mired in self-blame, because that can hinder your healing!


I'm doing better, apart from the dreams... or maybe I should call them nightmares...


----------



## TXTrini

In Absentia said:


> Sometimes I wish she cheated on me. It would have been a lot easier! Or maybe not...  The problem is that I keep dreaming about her. I have these awful dreams where we argue and she keeps pushing me away, reinforcing the dreadful feeling of rejection and all the pain I've been through. It's really horrible. I wake up so depressed.


Unfortunately I know all about depression. 

On a great note, my Derm told me I looked great, much better than I had in a long time and that divorce suits me. She though my ex was unambitious and lazy. I wish people told me this stuff before...


----------



## In Absentia

TXTrini said:


> Unfortunately I know all about depression.
> 
> On a great note, my Derm told me I looked great, much better than I had in a long time and that divorce suits me. She though my ex was unambitious and lazy. I wish people told me this stuff before...


Your Derm? Dermatologist?


----------



## lifeistooshort

TXTrini said:


> Unfortunately I know all about depression.
> 
> On a great note, my Derm told me I looked great, much better than I had in a long time and that divorce suits me. She though my ex was unambitious and lazy. I wish people told me this stuff before...


People keep a lot of things to themselves while you're married because they don't want to upset you.

A surprising number of people commented to me about my ex's phoniness and his ****ty toupee.

One runner that knows us both directly asked me "life, what's the deal with the hair? Does he wash that thing?". That guy is mostly bald and just shaves it...he looks fine.

I've had multiple people tell me they never understood what I was doing with him (the answer is that I was damaged).

People start talking when you're divorced!


----------



## TXTrini

In Absentia said:


> Your Derm? Dermatologist?


Yes, my bad. I tend to type how I talk here, otherwise, I sound way too clinical and businesslike  


lifeistooshort said:


> People keep a lot of things to themselves while you're married because they don't want to upset you.
> 
> A surprising number of people commented to me about my ex's phoniness and his ****ty toupee.
> 
> One runner that knows us both directly asked me "life, what's the deal with the hair? Does he wash that thing?". That guy is mostly bald and just shaves it...he looks fine.
> 
> I've had multiple people tell me they never understood what I was doing with him (the answer is that I was damaged).
> 
> People start talking when you're divorced!


Hmmm, I suppose that must be the case. It's not the first time I've had people tell me something similar. Some people ask what I was doing married to "a guy like that", but I didn't understand what they meant and they never elaborated.

My family thought he isolated me, but I honestly haven't been up to much socializing since my chronic illness, so I couldn't lay that at his feet. 

On the surface, he looks like a great catch, tall, good-looking, comes from an educated, professional, seemingly wholesome family until you start finding out more. Unfortunately, we were already married by the time I found out more.


----------



## LisaDiane

TXTrini said:


> On the surface, he looks like a great catch, tall, good-looking, comes from an educated, professional, seemingly wholesome family until you start finding out more. *Unfortunately, we were already married by the time I found out more.*


Sadly, I think that happens alot.


----------



## TXTrini

LisaDiane said:


> Sadly, I think that happens alot.


Yeah, which is why I find it hard to know how you know you’re picking a good partner. I didn't rush into marriage, so is it all a crap shoot?


----------



## 3Xnocharm

TXTrini said:


> Yeah, which is why I find it hard to know how you know you’re picking a good partner. I didn't rush into marriage, so is it all a crap shoot?


This. This is my biggest fear about future relationships, full stop. I have failed miserably my whole adult life with this. I pretty much have zero trust at this point so not sure how that’s suppose to work. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## TXTrini

3Xnocharm said:


> This. This is my biggest fear about future relationships, full stop. I have failed miserably my whole adult life with this. I pretty much have zero trust at this point so not sure how that’s suppose to work.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Sounds like you just need to do your own thing for a little longer, love. I vacillate between being hopeful and being afraid, and things are going really well atm. 

The only thing that's certain is if you don't try, you can't win.


----------



## LisaDiane

TXTrini said:


> Yeah, which is why I find it hard to know how you know you’re picking a good partner. I didn't rush into marriage, so is it all a crap shoot?


YES.
Everything is...there are NO guarantees. That's why we have to pull up our big-girl panties when we face disappointments, and move forward to find what we DO want.


----------



## LisaDiane

3Xnocharm said:


> This. This is my biggest fear about future relationships, full stop. I have failed miserably my whole adult life with this. I pretty much have zero trust at this point so not sure how that’s suppose to work.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Yeah...I wish I had an answer for this. I was SO honest and clear about who I was and what I offered as a partner with my STBX, because I expected him to be the same...but he WASN'T. And again, I can't figure out...WHY would a man like him want ME?? He had to know he wasn't going to be happy with me...what was he thinking!!!!

And now I have to go forward and hope I find men who are going to be honest with me like I will be with them...but how will I know? UGH!!!!

Are there mail-order boyfriends??? Lol!!!


----------



## 3Xnocharm

LisaDiane said:


> Yeah...I wish I had an answer for this. I was SO honest and clear about who I was and what I offered as a partner with my STBX, because I expected him to be the same...but he WASN'T. And again, I can't figure out...WHY would a man like him want ME?? He had to know he wasn't going to be happy with me...what was he thinking!!!!
> 
> And now I have to go forward and hope I find men who are going to be honest with me like I will be with them...but how will I know? UGH!!!!
> 
> Are there mail-order boyfriends??? Lol!!!


I think we will have to go all Weird Science and build our own! 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## LisaDiane

3Xnocharm said:


> I think we will have to go all Weird Science and build our own!
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Oh, I LOVE this idea!!! You are brilliant!!!! Lolol!!!!

Did you ever see the Twilight Zone episode where they go to a factory to select a "grandmother"...?? THAT would be perfect, except make it for men!!!! Lol!

I can think of three must-have qualities I would pick, and none of them are physical traits!!


----------



## Enigma32

LisaDiane said:


> I can think of three must-have qualities I would pick, and none of them are physical traits!!


What would you pick?


----------



## LisaDiane

Enigma32 said:


> What would you pick?


Way older than me, for one thing!!! Lol!


----------



## Enigma32

LisaDiane said:


> Way older than me, for one thing!!! Lol!


Wait, I can changeeee!


----------



## LisaDiane

Enigma32 said:


> Wait, I can changeeee!


Lolol!!!! SILLY!


----------



## Enigma32

LisaDiane said:


> Lolol!!!! SILLY!


Ya never gave your 3 must-haves. Don't hold back now.


----------



## LisaDiane

Enigma32 said:


> Ya never gave your 3 must-haves. Don't hold back now.


Well, do you have a Twilight Zone Boyfriend Machine I can use...?? 

Because if you don't, I can see no reason why I should tell you!!!


----------



## LisaDiane

TXTrini said:


> Now you know the reason he's been such a nightmare. What a ***!
> 
> I'm happy you decided to move forward with your life, love. You deserve much better, even if that's simply peace.


PEACE...I've had a horrible day today...just a rotten, horrible f*cking day...

Someone please tell my why I'm hanging around like this, just to "sort things out"...did anyone else relate to Forrest Gump when he just started running and didn't stop until he reached the ocean?


----------



## TXTrini

LisaDiane said:


> PEACE...I've had a horrible day today...just a rotten, horrible f*cking day...
> 
> Someone please tell my why I'm hanging around like this, just to "sort things out"...did anyone else relate to Forrest Gump when he just started running and didn't stop until he reached the ocean?


Sorry Hon. The trouble is, if he's happy going on business as usual, you can't expect anything else. 

This is exactly why I went dark when I decided to file. We never saw each other again, not even at mediation. I moved without a word.

You have kids together though, right?


----------



## LisaDiane

TXTrini said:


> Sorry Hon. The trouble is, if he's happy going on business as usual, you can't expect anything else.
> 
> This is exactly why I went dark when I decided to file. We never saw each other again, not even at mediation. I moved without a word.
> 
> You have kids together though, right?


We don't have any kids together - my three kids (who are in their 20s now) are from my first marriage - so that's not a consideration, at least.

He's become so erratic and unpredictable, and STUPID...the anxiety from being around him at all makes me feel physically ill. Sometimes I feel like my skin is being rubbed with sandpaper when I'm dealing with him.

We are supposed to be divorcing amicably, and he's poised to crash and burn in a big way, so I'm just trying to keep track of him until he's signed all the documents we need to complete everything.

You know what it is...? He's PETER PAN...that's the perfect way to describe him. He's a 59yr old BOY, and cannot be counted on or trusted to follow through with anything anymore. I have lost ALL respect for him, and that makes it very difficult to even speak to him.

We are going to the lawyer's on Thursday or Friday to sign some stuff about our property, and then next week he just needs to sign the complaint and have it notarized, and then I should be able to back off and take a breath!!!

I might just PM you with any more whining so I don't pollute our happy thread...Lol!!! 
Lucky YOU!!! 💜


----------



## Affaircare

LisaDiane said:


> PEACE...I've had a horrible day today...just a rotten, horrible f*cking day...
> 
> Someone please tell my why I'm hanging around like this, just to "sort things out"...did anyone else relate to Forrest Gump when he just started running and didn't stop until he reached the ocean?


Hey @LisaDiane, 

Hope you have a better day today, and remember, just because you are hanging around to "sort things out" that doesn't mean you have to be there all the time or wake up there or go to bed there. You could take a little break on the weekend. You could get a hotel room for the night and pamper yourself (one of my favorite "pampers" is just to do a bubble bath in a hotel tub and order room service!). You could go to a friends' house to "visit" and crash in their guest room for a few days. You could go visit your kids. You could go get into nature, hike around, and remember who you are in this universe. You could volunteer, and remember all the blessings you do have. You could get in the car, drive around with Metal music blaring, and scream! LOL  You could vaccuum violently! LOL  There must be 50 ways to leave your lover: hop on the bus, Gus. 

Sooooo...what do you think you'll choose, for you?


----------



## Hiner112

LisaDiane said:


> PEACE...I've had a horrible day today...just a rotten, horrible f*cking day...
> 
> Someone please tell my why I'm hanging around like this, just to "sort things out"...did anyone else relate to Forrest Gump when he just started running and didn't stop until he reached the ocean?


Disappearing is one of the more common fantasies in middle age. Mortgage / debt, career, family obligations, maintaining a household, etc sometimes feel like so many demands and the "end" is still decades away. Then a triggering event happens (like divorce) and they just start running (or sleeping on the couch or smoking pot or whatever). The thought, "you know, I think I'm just going to go live in the park / forest." is probably not terribly rare to have.


----------



## TXTrini

LisaDiane said:


> We don't have any kids together - my three kids (who are in their 20s now) are from my first marriage - so that's not a consideration, at least.
> 
> He's become so erratic and unpredictable, and STUPID...the anxiety from being around him at all makes me feel physically ill. Sometimes I feel like my skin is being rubbed with sandpaper when I'm dealing with him.
> 
> We are supposed to be divorcing amicably, and he's poised to crash and burn in a big way, so I'm just trying to keep track of him until he's signed all the documents we need to complete everything.
> 
> You know what it is...? He's PETER PAN...that's the perfect way to describe him. He's a 59yr old BOY, and cannot be counted on or trusted to follow through with anything anymore. I have lost ALL respect for him, and that makes it very difficult to even speak to him.
> 
> We are going to the lawyer's on Thursday or Friday to sign some stuff about our property, and then next week he just needs to sign the complaint and have it notarized, and then I should be able to back off and take a breath!!!
> 
> I might just PM you with any more whining so I don't pollute our happy thread...Lol!!!
> Lucky YOU!!! 💜


Well, thank goodness for small mercies, that makes it more final when you do untangle from him. I understand too well what you're dealing with, it sounds uncannily familiar except for the trouble he's giving you to finalize things.

What is it with these Peter Pan men? They think nothing changes (including their 20 y/o wife) and keep blaming everything but themselves when things go to ****. Girl, just hang in there, it's only for a little while longer. I know it's stressful, but you have to ride his ass like a donkey now to move this along. 

Feel free, hon. Sometimes you need to drain the poison out, so you can recover. 



Hiner112 said:


> Disappearing is one of the more common fantasies in middle age. Mortgage / debt, career, family obligations, maintaining a household, etc sometimes feel like so many demands and the "end" is still decades away. Then a triggering event happens (like divorce) and they just start running (or sleeping on the couch or smoking pot or whatever). The thought, "you know, I think I'm just going to go live in the park / forest." is probably not terribly rare to have.


I had this very fantasy! If I were physically sound, I would have disappeared into Alaska, get some dogs, and never spoke to another person again. I still think about it sometimes...


----------



## WandaJ

I guess I am at the beginning of my post-divorce journey, because at this point great sex is my main objective. And, oh boy, it is worth it..,)


----------



## notmyjamie

I wish I could visit here a bit more often…I miss out on some great topics. Just started a new job in addition to my current one and all the orientation is keeping me super busy.

Adding my two cents to the discussion about women playing games with men I’d say that I know very few women whose desire not to have sex in the first few dates is rooted in playing games. They need to feel a connection and feel there is a future there. I know that’s how I am and I have a pretty good sex drive. Trust is a big thing for me…I’ve been betrayed in a way most people can’t imagine. I’ve had 3 previous relationships and been cheated on all three times. I think the only reason I got comfortable enough to proceed with my now BF is that it was clear from the beginning that he was looking for more than just hitting it and moving on. He was very sensitive to the fact that women are vulnerable in the online dating world and did things designed to keep me safe. He didn’t even kiss me until after a couple weeks of dating. We talk a lot about what we want in life and what we need going forward. I think he might be the guy that breaks the mold for me but if not, I’m done. I will probably never date again if he cheats on me. He feels sad that I feel that way…not because I don’t trust him 100% but that “anyone could have treated you to the point to get you to this” and it is sad. I will truly be devastated…I am so happy with him…we fit together perfectly. 

@LisaDiane Congrats on finally filing. It is REALLY hard to get through that Limbo of “we’re getting divorced” to “we’re divorced and you’re not my problem anymore” Stay strong and keep your eye on the prize!!!


----------



## TXTrini

notmyjamie said:


> I wish I could visit here a bit more often…I miss out on some great topics. Just started a new job in addition to my current one and all the orientation is keeping me super busy.
> 
> Adding my two cents to the discussion about women playing games with men I’d say that I know very few women whose desire not to have sex in the first few dates is rooted in playing games. They need to feel a connection and feel there is a future there. I know that’s how I am and I have a pretty good sex drive. Trust is a big thing for me…I’ve been betrayed in a way most people can’t imagine. I’ve had 3 previous relationships and been cheated on all three times. I think the only reason I got comfortable enough to proceed with my now BF is that it was clear from the beginning that he was looking for more than just hitting it and moving on. He was very sensitive to the fact that women are vulnerable in the online dating world and did things designed to keep me safe. He didn’t even kiss me until after a couple weeks of dating. We talk a lot about what we want in life and what we need going forward. I think he might be the guy that breaks the mold for me but if not, I’m done. I will probably never date again if he cheats on me. He feels sad that I feel that way…not because I don’t trust him 100% but that “anyone could have treated you to the point to get you to this” and it is sad. I will truly be devastated…I am so happy with him…we fit together perfectly.
> 
> @LisaDiane Congrats on finally filing. It is REALLY hard to get through that Limbo of “we’re getting divorced” to “we’re divorced and you’re not my problem anymore” Stay strong and keep your eye on the prize!!!


Good luck with the new job, hon! The great thing about forums if you haven't missed anything, it's still all here. 

I'm glad you had that experience with your bf, he sounds very considerate. Everyone's opinions have understandably been formed from their experiences, so it's not really right/wrong. The problem with being so rigid though is you might miss out on someone who's just right for you.

Things have been going well with my bf too, but I still have moments when I am afraid to be vulnerable, to him it comes across as aloof. I suppose I don't want to need a man again, as much as I enjoy his company and feel destroyed when/if it ends, so I totally understand what you mean. The trouble is, that same fear, even though it's meant for self-preservation can be self-sabotage.


----------



## Hiner112

So I had a second date yesterday with the woman I've been talking to since May. It was a _good time_.



Spoiler: TMI



I doubled the number of people that I've slept with. I didn't really "finish" during sex though we "tried" for quite a while. A bit later she gave me a BJ.

My ex wife and new GF:










I didn't really understand how good oral sex could feel until yesterday. When she was done apparently I was giving her a funny look and I told her that had a strong urge to give her a high five. Then I said that I didn't know where she learned to do that but she has a talent. She laughed at me and said she probably learned it from a book. I'm actually not sure if she was kidding or not.



Afterwards she called be beautiful a couple times which was a little weird but not bad. The first time she said it, it was right after I finished and I blurted out, "I love you too". She laughed at me.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Hiner112 said:


> So I had a second date yesterday with the woman I've been talking to since May. It was a _good time_.


Congratulations brother! It sounds like you’ve met a keeper. At least you know she is sex positive and not playing games or stringing you along for some other purpose. It’s sure nice to get that first one out of the way, isn’t it? In time, you’ll build up your confidence. I hope it works out. Please, no “I love you’s” and no high fives


----------



## RebuildingMe

WandaJ said:


> I guess I am at the beginning of my post-divorce journey, because at this point great sex is my main objective. And, oh boy, it is worth it..,)


Preach on, Wanda. I met a few women on OLD in their 40’s and 50’s before I met my current gf. For the most part, they were all like caged animals looking to break out after years of being in boring, sexless marriages. Despite the chronic weaponizing of sex you see on TAM, it can be a very exciting and intoxicating feeling for the both of you. It also makes the man feel special and important, which can lead to healthier and stronger bonds and relationships. Many don’t get that, but you do. Good luck!!


----------



## Hiner112

RebuildingMe said:


> Congratulations brother! It sounds like you’ve met a keeper. At least you know she is sex positive and not playing games or stringing you along for some other purpose. It’s sure nice to get that first one out of the way, isn’t it? In time, you’ll build up your confidence. I hope it works out. Please, no “I love you’s” and no high fives


I think I'll hold off on "I love you" but high fives might be a thing, LOL. If you share or receive pleasure that is worthy of a high five, I think that's a high five you do.



Spoiler: More TMI



At one point she said that she almost always felt too self conscious or embarrassed about the way she looked to feel comfortable doing some things. When I told her that I'd be disappointed if I couldn't see what was going on. Always. She blushed a bit at that point which is weird since we were both naked and sweaty.


----------



## Hiner112

Another funny thing she said. "I can't believe you were single." _glares at me_ "If you're _not_ really single I *will *****ing kill you."


----------



## RebuildingMe

Hiner112 said:


> Another funny thing she said. "I can't believe you were single." _glares at me_ "If you're _not_ really single I *will *****ing kill you."


Where did you meet this one? OLD?


----------



## Hiner112

RebuildingMe said:


> Where did you meet this one? OLD?


Match.com

She lives just over an hour away (not on the way to or from anywhere, really) so that'd be the only way.


----------



## TXTrini

Awesome news, Hiney! I'm so glad you two hit it off, you deserve some happiness in your life.

The love thing just slipped out, eh?


----------



## Hiner112

TXTrini said:


> Awesome news, Hiney! I'm so glad you two hit it off, you deserve some happiness in your life.
> 
> The love thing just slipped out, eh?


LOL, I was in a very dazed non-thinking state and she called me beautiful. I thought I should reciprocate in some way so I opened my mouth. Those were the words that I said but I didn't really pick them.


----------



## TXTrini

Hiner112 said:


> LOL, I was in a very dazed non-thinking state and she called me beautiful. I thought I should reciprocate in some way so I opened my mouth. Those were the words that I said but I didn't really pick them.


Don't stress too much about it. Been there, done that.

It's something to think about, that's for sure. Might be a good time to assess if you really feel it, or it's post-sex hormones talking. Just in case you need to be prepared if she wants to talk about it.


----------



## WandaJ

RebuildingMe said:


> Preach on, Wanda. I met a few women on OLD in their 40’s and 50’s before I met my current gf. For the most part, they were all like caged animals looking to break out after years of being in boring, sexless marriages.


LOL, that’s what I’ve been saying about myself. Although sex wasn’t a problem
In my marriage, it is way more interesting and fulfilling now.


----------



## WandaJ

@Hiner112 , that’s great development for you. Keeping my fingers crossed!


----------



## Hiner112

So new info today. Apparently she's had two (2) orgasms with a partner _in her life_. My response:

Holy. ****.


----------



## heartsbeating

TXTrini said:


> Don't stress too much about it. Been there, done that.
> 
> It's something to think about, that's for sure. Might be a good time to assess if you really feel it, or it's post-sex hormones talking. Just in case you need to be prepared if she wants to talk about it.


And yet emphasises why oral is important in relationships 😄


----------



## heartsbeating

…skilled oral, nonetheless.


----------



## TXTrini

WandaJ said:


> LOL, that’s what I’ve been saying about myself. Although sex wasn’t a problem
> In my marriage, it is way more interesting and fulfilling now.


Funny you say that. I'm having the best sex I've ever had in my life with my bf. I can't believe I fought so hard for a cheater who apparently sucks in bed.


----------



## johndoe12299

how long did everyone here wait to start dating again after their separation/divorce?


----------



## farsidejunky

WandaJ said:


> I guess I am at the beginning of my post-divorce journey, because at this point great sex is my main objective. And, oh boy, it is worth it..,)


And to think you were once worried about skin blemishes.



Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## farsidejunky

Hiner112 said:


> So new info today. Apparently she's had two (2) orgasms with a partner _in her life_. My response:
> 
> Holy. ****.
> 
> View attachment 77448


#opportunities

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## Hiner112

johndoe12299 said:


> how long did everyone here wait to start dating again after their separation/divorce?


My ex moved out in September 2018. My divorce was final in March of 2020. I created a hidden Match profile a year after she moved out. I subscribed and made it public in October 2020. The first actual messaging with a person happened in May and because of personal and family issues there wasn't an in person meeting until July.

Potentially relevant: my first date with my ex was December 17, 1997 and until Monday night she had been the only person with whom I had even kissed.

Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk


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## Numb26

johndoe12299 said:


> how long did everyone here wait to start dating again after their separation/divorce?


About a year


----------



## WandaJ

TXTrini said:


> Funny you say that. I'm having the best sex I've ever had in my life with my bf. I can't believe I fought so hard for a cheater who apparently sucks in bed.


I know, right? The excuses we made to ourselves to stay in dysfunctional relationships..


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## johndoe12299

Numb26 said:


> About a year


Seems about right. I'm only 2 months out from separation but kinda want to just hang with someone for some female company. I'm an absolute mess though so it woulnd't be fair to her, ha.

The nurse who did my daughter's scan today was really cute and we chatted a bit...


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## Numb26

johndoe12299 said:


> Seems about right. I'm only 2 months out from separation but kinda want to just hang with someone for some female company. I'm an absolute mess though so it woulnd't be fair to her, ha.
> 
> The nurse who did my daughter's scan today was really cute and we chatted a bit...


 Take it slow. If you are like me anybody showing interest will cause your mind to blow it out of proportion


----------



## LisaDiane

Affaircare said:


> Hey @LisaDiane,
> 
> Hope you have a better day today, and remember, just because you are hanging around to "sort things out" that doesn't mean you have to be there all the time or wake up there or go to bed there. You could take a little break on the weekend. You could get a hotel room for the night and pamper yourself (one of my favorite "pampers" is just to do a bubble bath in a hotel tub and order room service!). You could go to a friends' house to "visit" and crash in their guest room for a few days. You could go visit your kids. You could go get into nature, hike around, and remember who you are in this universe. You could volunteer, and remember all the blessings you do have. You could get in the car, drive around with Metal music blaring, and scream! LOL  You could vaccuum violently! LOL  There must be 50 ways to leave your lover: hop on the bus, Gus.
> 
> Sooooo...what do you think you'll choose, for you?


((((((((((HUGS!!!))))))))))
Thank you for this PERFECT advice...not just for me, either - for anyone struggling with feeling trapped and hopeless!!!

Nature and a new environment are the panaceas to any bad feelings I go through...in the past week I went swimming, and walked in the woods, and laid under the stars to SAVE MY SANITY!!!!! Those definitely need to be my go-to moves when I feel like I'm choking to death.

Plus, I don't think it's good for me to do the vacuuming one...it might be dangerous for me to have any club-shaped object in my hands when my STBX is in my vicinity...  

JUST KIDDING!!!!! (well, sort of...Lol!)

My news is BETTER this week -- everything I needed to get done legally is FILED...and now I'm just waiting for the summons for my STBX (which he knows is coming), so he can sign, and then anything we need to do will be ALL DONE...!!!! It will take a couple of months until I receive the dissolution decree.

I could have gone for alimony, but the very last thing I care about is money, especially when it's tied to a sinking cannonball. I can't think of anything I want more than the peace of mind I will have when he isn't part of my life in any way anymore!


----------



## LisaDiane

TXTrini said:


> Well, thank goodness for small mercies, that makes it more final when you do untangle from him. I understand too well what you're dealing with, it sounds uncannily familiar except for the trouble he's giving you to finalize things.
> 
> What is it with these Peter Pan men? They think nothing changes (including their 20 y/o wife) and keep blaming everything but themselves when things go to ****. Girl, just hang in there, it's only for a little while longer. I know it's stressful, but you have to *ride his ass like a donkey now to move this along*.


Oh, THIS is AWESOME -- YES!!!! Lolol!!!



TXTrini said:


> I had this very fantasy! If I were physically sound, I would have disappeared into Alaska, get some dogs, and never spoke to another person again. I still think about it sometimes...


I KNOW!!!! This is what I mean - freedom and peace!!!


----------



## LisaDiane

WandaJ said:


> I guess I am at the beginning of my post-divorce journey, because at this point great sex is my main objective. And, oh boy, it is worth it..,)


YAY for you!!!!!!


----------



## Elizabeth001

I got in touch with my inner **** after I left the marital home. I don’t regret it after being in a sexless marriage for 10 years. I had fun but after a while it became as unfulfilling to me as masturbation without the emotional connection, which is why I’ve been celibate for almost 2 years. I’m waiting for my pitch 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## TXTrini

johndoe12299 said:


> how long did everyone here wait to start dating again after their separation/divorce?


Some people will poo poo the idea of you not putting yourself out there until every single thing is done legally and you are 100% healed, however long that takes. With that said, I glanced through your story, I see your ex cheated on you also. However, you have minor children and are going to be dealing with a custody battle, so I'd advise you to cool your herbs during separation in case it hurts your case. Maybe ask your lawyer. 

Anyway, to answer your question, I made a dating profile a few months after I filed for divorce (Oct 2019), finalized March 2020, no kids to consider. I met my bf in Jan 2020, we're still together, but taking it slow. I'm still recovering and getting my **** together, and honestly am not inclined to remarry, maybe not even live with someone. We'll see. 



johndoe12299 said:


> Seems about right. I'm only 2 months out from separation but kinda want to just hang with someone for some female company. I'm an absolute mess though so it woulnd't be fair to her, ha.
> 
> The nurse who did my daughter's scan today was really cute and we chatted a bit...


No one says you can't flirt, but you need to be honest about your situation if it goes further. Not everyone will be comfortable dating someone who's at the start of a legal battle, it may be a few years before your divorce is final. I don't know what else to say, but maybe @RebuildingMe can chime in here. He's been through something similar.



Elizabeth001 said:


> I got in touch with my inner **** after I left the marital home. I don’t regret it after being in a sexless marriage for 10 years. I had fun but after a while it became as unfulfilling to me as masturbation without the emotional connection, which is why I’ve been celibate for almost 2 years. I’m waiting for my pitch
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I hear you, I was very similar, but it wasn't for me, I need an emotional connection. So are you doing to try OLD again, or start flirting IRL?


----------



## TXTrini

LisaDiane said:


> ((((((((((HUGS!!!))))))))))
> Thank you for this PERFECT advice...not just for me, either - for anyone struggling with feeling trapped and hopeless!!!
> 
> Nature and a new environment are the panaceas to any bad feelings I go through...in the past week I went swimming, and walked in the woods, and laid under the stars to SAVE MY SANITY!!!!! Those definitely need to be my go-to moves when I feel like I'm choking to death.
> 
> Plus, I don't think it's good for me to do the vacuuming one...it might be dangerous for me to have any club-shaped object in my hands when my STBX is in my vicinity...
> 
> JUST KIDDING!!!!! (well, sort of...Lol!)
> 
> My news is BETTER this week -- everything I needed to get done legally is FILED...and now I'm just waiting for the summons for my STBX (which he knows is coming), so he can sign, and then anything we need to do will be ALL DONE...!!!! It will take a couple of months until I receive the dissolution decree.
> 
> I could have gone for alimony, but the very last thing I care about is money, especially when it's tied to a sinking cannonball. I can't think of anything I want more than the peace of mind I will have when he isn't part of my life in any way anymore!


I totally understand. Alimony would be a constant reminder anyway. I didn't go after that either, though I was married long enough I could have, especially since I filed at at-fault divorce with discovery and confirmed adultery. I just wanted to be done with him and move on with my life.

You're going to feel so much freer when you're done and moved. I slept wonderfully the first night I moved into my new house, after YEARS of insomnia. No more walking on eggshells, no more wondering what I said/did to trigger silent treatment episodes, no more pandering to a fragile ego, no more catering for someone else and having to pick up behind him if I didn't want to live in a ****hole, no more cooking to please anyone else but myself, no more celibacy!

It does get lonely sometimes, I still get upset when I think about what I wanted for my life, but it's so much more peaceful. I keep myself busy, I am working towards personal and professional goals, I'm seeing a great guy, though the cynical part of me wonders if he's great b/c I'm not married to him or living together  . 

This is a new beginning for you hon, whatever you choose to do! I'm truly happy for you. I am pro-marriage, I hate being divorced, but you can't punish yourself for what other people choose to do.


----------



## Elizabeth001

TXTrini said:


> Some people will poo poo the idea of you not putting yourself out there until every single thing is done legally and you are 100% healed, however long that takes. With that said, I glanced through your story, I see your ex cheated on you also. However, you have minor children and are going to be dealing with a custody battle, so I'd advise you to cool your herbs during separation in case it hurts your case. Maybe ask your lawyer.
> 
> Anyway, to answer your question, I made a dating profile a few months after I filed for divorce (Oct 2019), finalized March 2020, no kids to consider. I met my bf in Jan 2020, we're still together, but taking it slow. I'm still recovering and getting my **** together, and honestly am not inclined to remarry, maybe not even live with someone. We'll see.
> 
> 
> No one says you can't flirt, but you need to be honest about your situation if it goes further. Not everyone will be comfortable dating someone who's at the start of a legal battle, it may be a few years before your divorce is final. I don't know what else to say, but maybe @RebuildingMe can chime in here. He's been through something similar.
> 
> 
> I hear you, I was very similar, but it wasn't for me, I need an emotional connection. So are you doing to try OLD again, or start flirting IRL?


Well I’m a natural flirt anyway so if I met someone organically that I clicked with, I would go out with them if asked. I think I intimidate most men though :/

I have a profile up on POF (not upgraded) but it is brutally honest so I don’t get a lot of messages other than catfish and I don’t respond to lame ones like “hey beautiful”. lol

Ran back into a guy that I minimally considered before and thought I might try to see him for a little bit to see if the chemistry (on my part) might kick in but it just isn’t happening. He’s a super nice guy but I just don’t feel anything beyond friendship. He’s got the puppy dog thing going for me and it’s a real turnoff. I need to cut it off because they just can’t grasp the fact that you don’t feel the same way they do and it’s only going to hurt him more in the long run. UGH


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## johndoe12299

TXTrini said:


> Some people will poo poo the idea of you not putting yourself out there until every single thing is done legally and you are 100% healed, however long that takes. With that said, I glanced through your story, I see your ex cheated on you also. However, you have minor children and are going to be dealing with a custody battle, so I'd advise you to cool your herbs during separation in case it hurts your case. Maybe ask your lawyer.
> 
> Anyway, to answer your question, I made a dating profile a few months after I filed for divorce (Oct 2019), finalized March 2020, no kids to consider. I met my bf in Jan 2020, we're still together, but taking it slow. I'm still recovering and getting my **** together, and honestly am not inclined to remarry, maybe not even live with someone. We'll see.
> 
> 
> No one says you can't flirt, but you need to be honest about your situation if it goes further. Not everyone will be comfortable dating someone who's at the start of a legal battle, it may be a few years before your divorce is final. I don't know what else to say, but maybe @RebuildingMe can chime in here. He's been through something similar.
> 
> 
> I hear you, I was very similar, but it wasn't for me, I need an emotional connection. So are you doing to try OLD again, or start flirting IRL?


Thanks for the feedback! No legal battle here. We have agreed upon 50/50 custody and the jdugement for that is already filed in court. It's just a 10 month waiting period to have the divorce finalized.

I have no idea if the girl is interested. I'm sure she's just friendly as that's part of the job. Doesn't mean i cant ask her to lunch though, right? NBD if she says no, I'll be in the same boat I'm in now, ha.


----------



## TXTrini

johndoe12299 said:


> Thanks for the feedback! No legal battle here. We have agreed upon 50/50 custody and the jdugement for that is already filed in court. It's just a 10 month waiting period to have the divorce finalized.
> 
> I have no idea if the girl is interested. I'm sure she's just friendly as that's part of the job. Doesn't mean i cant ask her to lunch though, right? NBD if she says no, I'll be in the same boat I'm in now, ha.


What wonderful news! It will definitely make things so much easier on the kids, hopefully, it will continue smoother. Have you had IC? I'd suggest you do before even thinking of dating. It's not right to as you mentioned, dump stuff on an unsuspecting person.

Careful about asking her out on the job, especially if it's during an appointment, that's bound to be super awkward for her if she's being nice. I'm not sure how you could bring something like that up, maybe the guys will have advice for you.


----------



## johndoe12299

oh yeah. there's really no way to go about that, that isn't awkward or creepy. I have lots of friends at that hospital so that could possibly be a way in...but you're right. I need to just worry about myself right now. Just get a little lonely at times


----------



## RebuildingMe

johndoe12299 said:


> how long did everyone here wait to start dating again after their separation/divorce?


For me it was about three months after we filed for divorce. However, the divorce was my doing and was about three years in the making/planning.

I don’t like when people put timetables on when you should date. I think it’s an individual preference. However, in your case I’d say a hard *no*. Your wife walked out on you and your kids just two months ago and you’ve since discovered her affair. You have so much to reconcile with your feelings about her before even thinking of unloading that baggage on to someone else. I unknowingly unloaded a ton of baggage on my gf that she didn’t deserve. Had I know then what I know now (a long,absolutely brutal divorce and trial), I never would have allowed any dating to get serious. I feel bad for what my gf had to go through and I was powerless to stop it. I’m shocked she hung in there as long as she has.


----------



## TXTrini

johndoe12299 said:


> oh yeah. there's really no way to go about that, that isn't awkward or creepy. I have lots of friends at that hospital so that could possibly be a way in...but you're right. I need to just worry about myself right now. Just get a little lonely at times


I understand the loneliness, but it looks like you've got your hands full with young kids. Maybe you could join a gym, a class, or a meetup group for something you like to do when you're on your own. I went back to school, and that helped a ton. I haven't had time to dwell on everything that went wrong, while I work on a way forward.



RebuildingMe said:


> For me it was about three months after we filed for divorce. However, the divorce was my doing and was about three years in the making/planning.
> 
> I don’t like when people put timetables on when you should date. I think it’s an individual preference. However, in your case I’d say a hard *no*. Your wife walked out on you and your kids just two months ago and you’ve since discovered her affair. You have so much to reconcile with your feelings about her before even thinking of unloading that baggage on to someone else. I unknowingly unloaded a ton of baggage on my gf that she didn’t deserve. Had I know then what I know now (a long,absolutely brutal divorce and trial), I never would have allowed any dating to get serious. I feel bad for what my gf had to go through and I was powerless to stop it. I’m shocked she hung in there as long as she has.


Ahhh, I was hoping @RebuildingMe would advise you. Listen to him, he knows what he's talking about.


----------



## TXTrini

Elizabeth001 said:


> Well I’m a natural flirt anyway so if I met someone organically that I clicked with, I would go out with them if asked. I think I intimidate most men though :/
> 
> I have a profile up on POF (not upgraded) but it is brutally honest so I don’t get a lot of messages other than catfish and I don’t respond to lame ones like “hey beautiful”. lol
> 
> Ran back into a guy that I minimally considered before and thought I might try to see him for a little bit to see if the chemistry (on my part) might kick in but it just isn’t happening. He’s a super nice guy but I just don’t feel anything beyond friendship. He’s got the puppy dog thing going for me and it’s a real turnoff. I need to cut it off because they just can’t grasp the fact that you don’t feel the same way they do and it’s only going to hurt him more in the long run. UGH
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


What stops you from asking someone you're interested out? If you see a guy you like, let him know. The worst they can say is no, then you smile and move on. 

Definitely keep being selective, what's the point in lots of messages from men you aren't interested/compatible? 

Maybe consider paid apps though. Although I saw some of the same men on different apps, I found men were better behaved in general on paid apps. The only free app I tried was O k C upid. Omg, there are some freaks on there. I had the most disgusting messages in my inbox. I didn't use PoF, but haven't heard good things about it. I wouldn't touch Tinder with another woman's ... finger  

What I did when I went on Match was, I set my filters for what I was interested in, and did a search, then opened the profiles on the guys I found attractive and read their profiles. Then I liked the ones I found both attractive and interesting and waited to see who was interested enough to message me. I completely ignored any other messages, b/c I got burnt trying to be polite responding to "nice guys". Nice, my ass!

Hopefully, this helps. I definitely wanna hear how it goes! Dating is so hard for introverts.


----------



## Lila

johndoe12299 said:


> how long did everyone here wait to start dating again after their separation/divorce?


I have to agree with the others who say wait a while, at least until your divorce is final, not for any other reason than loneliness, desperation, and attempts at filling emotional holes in your life will only bring you trouble. I'll give you myself as an example. 


I started dating a month after my divorce finalized. I was looking to fill the emotional gap left after my divorce. Almost immediately I met a man i thought was great in almost every way. Problem was that I was so desperate to find my missing pieces that i failed to take red flags seriously. He was secretly using alcohol to self medicate. I knew he had an issue with alcohol but I chose to overlook it... Until I didn't and he committed suicide 2 days after I broke up with him. I took almost 8 months off from dating after that and worked on myself. I was a much different person with a much different dating goal when I started dating again a year later. 

My story is not unusual. I know plenty of freshly divorced people who immediately jump into the dating pool to be fixed, to dump their baggage, or in a desperate search to fill an emotional need. 9/10 of these people end up with the wrong partners. I have seen some of these people, who in my opinion needed to seriously work on themselves before ever considering another relationship, get into one dysfunctional relationship after another. Some have gone so far as to get remarried, and divorced, within a couple of years after their original divorce. Don't be that person.


----------



## TXTrini

Lila said:


> I have to agree with the others who say wait a while, at least until your divorce is final, not for any other reason than loneliness, desperation, and attempts at filling emotional holes in your life will only bring you trouble. I'll give you myself as an example.
> 
> 
> I started dating a month after my divorce finalized. I was looking to fill the emotional gap left after my divorce. Almost immediately I met a man i thought was great in almost every way. Problem was that I was so desperate to find my missing pieces that i failed to take red flags seriously. He was secretly using alcohol to self medicate. I knew he had an issue with alcohol but I chose to overlook it... Until I didn't and he committed suicide 2 days after I broke up with him. I took almost 8 months off from dating after that and worked on myself. I was a much different person with a much different dating goal when I started dating again a year later.
> 
> My story is not unusual. I know plenty of freshly divorced people who immediately jump into the dating pool to be fixed, to dump their baggage, or in a desperate search to fill an emotional need. 9/10 of these people end up with the wrong partners. I have seen some of these people, who in my opinion needed to seriously work on themselves before ever considering another relationship, get into one dysfunctional relationship after another. Some have gone so far as to get remarried, and divorced, within a couple of years after their original divorce. Don't be that person.


I'm so sorry you carry that, Lila, that's horrible! It goes to show we have no idea what people are going through and the influence we all can have on each others' lives.

How could you have known though? I didn't know my exH was self-medicating with alcohol and we lived together for 13 yrs! Sometimes people hide things really well.


----------



## Hiner112

So we had the Boundaries and Preferences discussion last night. 

There was an awkward segway where we went from talking about the differences between bras and struggles to find something she liked and then her next question was along the lines "What kind of preferences do you have?" and I continued talking about clothes. There was a pause as I'm sure she was gathering herself and she was like, "not THOSE preferences." Then the pause on my end as the wheels turned and the pieces fell into place and then it was my turn to gather myself and try to figure out in a few seconds just what those preferences are. Our discussion seemed to indicate that we're compatible. Some things that I expected to not be brought up by her at all were brought up and described as essentially "I've done it and would do it again but I don't get much out of it myself."

I've literally not met an activity I haven't liked at least a little bit so some of the discussion was a little awkward. Also, the nuance of having enjoyed doing something and communicating that it's not an expectation or anything like that was a new exercise for me.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Hiner112 said:


> So we had the Boundaries and Preferences discussion last night.
> 
> There was an awkward segway where we went from talking about the differences between bras and struggles to find something she liked and then her next question was along the lines "What kind of preferences do you have?" and I continued talking about clothes. There was a pause as I'm sure she was gathering herself and she was like, "not THOSE preferences." Then the pause on my end as the wheels turned and the pieces fell into place and then it was my turn to gather myself and try to figure out in a few seconds just what those preferences are. Our discussion seemed to indicate that we're compatible. Some things that I expected to not be brought up by her at all were brought up and described as essentially "I've done it and would do it again but I don't get much out of it myself."
> 
> I've literally not met an activity I haven't liked at least a little bit so some of the discussion was a little awkward. Also, the nuance of having enjoyed doing something and communicating that it's not an expectation or anything like that was a new exercise for me.


Indirectly start asking very direct questions. Now is the time for you to do your research on her (and her on you) to really find out if she’s compatible. Aspirations, Ambitions, Money (spender or saver), Sex (is she _truly_ HD), Goals, Honesty, etc, etc. See what there is to be seen, not what you _think_ or _want_ you see. This is the time the red flags will pop, if any, if you really look for them. People *will* reveal who they are soon enough. You just have to look for clues. Don’t be the guy that says down the road “I overlooked that one” or “I should’ve seen this coming”. Vet her good, and if she passes, you might have something, but don’t grade her on any curve. Good luck brother!


----------



## Elizabeth001

RebuildingMe said:


> Indirectly start asking very direct questions. Now is the time for you to do your research on her (and her on you) to really find out if she’s compatible. Aspirations, Ambitions, Money (spender or saver), Sex (is she _truly_ HD), Goals, Honesty, etc, etc. See what there is to be seen, not what you _think_ or _want_ you see. This is the time the red flags will pop, if any, if you really look for them. People *will* reveal who they are soon enough. You just have to look for clues. Don’t be the guy that says down the road “I overlooked that one” or “I should’ve seen this coming”. Vet her good, and if she passes, you might have something, but don’t grade her on any curve. Good luck brother!


Don’t forget to check her teeth 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## johndoe12299

truly HD? what's HD?


----------



## johndoe12299

Hiner112 said:


> Some things that I expected to not be brought up by her at all were brought up and described as essentially "I've done it and would do it again but I don't get much out of it myself."


like?


----------



## TXTrini

Elizabeth001 said:


> Don’t forget to check her teeth
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


Hey, that's actually pretty important.


----------



## Hiner112

johndoe12299 said:


> like?


Like anal for instance.


----------



## Hiner112

RebuildingMe said:


> Indirectly start asking very direct questions. Now is the time for you to do your research on her (and her on you) to really find out if she’s compatible. Aspirations, Ambitions, Money (spender or saver), Sex (is she _truly_ HD), Goals, Honesty, etc, etc. See what there is to be seen, not what you _think_ or _want_ you see. This is the time the red flags will pop, if any, if you really look for them. People *will* reveal who they are soon enough. You just have to look for clues. Don’t be the guy that says down the road “I overlooked that one” or “I should’ve seen this coming”. Vet her good, and if she passes, you might have something, but don’t grade her on any curve. Good luck brother!


We tend to ask very direct questions directly. Actually, we've just been making direct announcements.

She's in a bit of a unique situation because she's retired from the military. She has a job and volunteers a lot but is essentially independently wealthy when considering the pension.

Well, I get the distinct impression that she hasn't really dated anyone that knew what foreplay was. Even without that reciprocity she's good at what she does. She did have a bout of depression after the military and after a miscarriage that sapped her sex drive but those are more or less in the past, I think.

We're aware of at least some of each other's issues so we're not shouting things from the rooftops or making plans together more than a date at a time but it feels good. To both of us.


----------



## Elizabeth001

TXTrini said:


> Hey, that's actually pretty important.


Yes…in a good horse too. Which is what it sounded like to me. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## TXTrini

Elizabeth001 said:


> Yes…in a good horse too. Which is what it sounded like to me.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Honey... turnabout if fairplay... There are things we like in good horses ... men too.


----------



## Elizabeth001

Elizabeth001 said:


> Yes…in a good horse too. Which is what it sounded like to me.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


How about…do you have dental insurance and do you use it? Don’t you know on the first meetup if they have nice teeth or not?

Where does this sh!t stop? How about just spending some time with someone and getting to know all of this stuff organically? Why pound someone over the head with a million questions in the first 3 dates so you can hurry up and get laid by someone you deem acceptable? Like you’re interviewing a roofer before the shingles get bought.

I’m stepping out for tonight. This is more than I can take. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## TXTrini

Elizabeth001 said:


> How about…do you have dental insurance and do you use it? Don’t you know on the first meetup if they have nice teeth or not?
> 
> Where does this sh!t stop? How about just spending some time with someone and getting to know all of this stuff organically? Why pound someone over the head with a million questions in the first 3 dates so you can hurry up and get laid by someone you deem acceptable? Like you’re interviewing a roofer before the shingles get bought.
> 
> I’m stepping out for tonight. This is more than I can take.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Sorry hon, I guess my jokes went over. I agree with you, but sometimes you just have to laugh at the things people say/do.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Hiner112 said:


> She did have a bout of depression after the military and after a miscarriage that *sapped her sex drive* but those are more or less in the past, I think.


That’s flag #1.


----------



## RebuildingMe

johndoe12299 said:


> truly HD? what's HD?


HD= high drive/desire


----------



## RebuildingMe

Elizabeth001 said:


> How about…do you have dental insurance and do you use it? Don’t you know on the first meetup if they have nice teeth or not?
> 
> Where does this sh!t stop? How about just spending some time with someone and getting to know all of this stuff organically? Why pound someone over the head with a million questions in the first 3 dates so you can hurry up and get laid by someone you deem acceptable? Like you’re interviewing a roofer before the shingles get bought.
> 
> I’m stepping out for tonight. This is more than I can take.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


No need for that question. A visual of the teeth will do just fine.

@Elizabeth001, I’m going to chalk it up to the heat tonight. Everyone has the right to ask questions and vet, especially the ones screwed over. No reason to make the same mistake twice (or in my case, thrice).


----------



## Lila

TXTrini said:


> I'm so sorry you carry that, Lila, that's horrible! It goes to show we have no idea what people are going through and the influence we all can have on each others' lives.
> 
> How could you have known though? I didn't know my exH was self-medicating with alcohol and we lived together for 13 yrs! Sometimes people hide things really well.


There were signs that he was abusing alcohol that I ignored it because he was a good man who otherwise treated me great. His reason for the divorce didn't check out. Hindsight is 20/20. Lots of lessons learned.


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## Elizabeth001

Lila said:


> There were signs that he was abusing alcohol that I ignored it because he was a good man who otherwise treated me great. His reason for the divorce didn't check out. Hindsight is 20/20. Lots of lessons learned.


Yep…my crack head XH died 2 days ago. I believed his lies for many years. I feel bad for my son but I haven’t shed any tears over “said” father. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Elizabeth001

Elizabeth001 said:


> Yep…my crack head XH died 2 days ago. I believed his lies for many years. I feel bad for my son but I haven’t shed any tears over “said” father.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


58 btw. Who knew smoking crack kills?


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----------



## Lila

Elizabeth001 said:


> Yep…my crack head XH died 2 days ago. I believed his lies for many years. I feel bad for my son but I haven’t shed any tears over “said” father.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk





Elizabeth001 said:


> 58 btw. Who knew smoking crack kills?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk



Holy smokes. Did your son have a relationship with him?


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Elizabeth I’m so sorry. I hope your son is doing ok? I don’t know if you remember but my ex, my daughter’s dad, committed suicide back in 2016. They didn’t have a great relationship and there has been a whole spectrum of emotions on her part. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Elizabeth001

All good girls. I kept XH away from son for most of his childhood which wasn’t hard because he never paid child support or asked for visitation. Died owing me over 275k. 

Son called dad a couple of years ago. They got back in touch with each other and had honest communication. Dad apologized for the ******** but at least he finally owned up to choosing drugs over me and him. 

My son defended me and accepted the relationship for what it was and then continued contact weekly/biweekly. He did talk to him 3 days prior to his death. 

Honestly…it’s the best outcome I could have hoped for. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## lifeistooshort

TXTrini said:


> Funny you say that. I'm having the best sex I've ever had in my life with my bf. I can't believe I fought so hard for a cheater who apparently sucks in bed.


I hear that.

I used to think that severe ED was normal for men over 50.

How wrong I was 😀

Of course I always knew toupees weren't normal...that one's on me 😁


----------



## lifeistooshort

Lila said:


> I have to agree with the others who say wait a while, at least until your divorce is final, not for any other reason than loneliness, desperation, and attempts at filling emotional holes in your life will only bring you trouble. I'll give you myself as an example.
> 
> 
> I started dating a month after my divorce finalized. I was looking to fill the emotional gap left after my divorce. Almost immediately I met a man i thought was great in almost every way. Problem was that I was so desperate to find my missing pieces that i failed to take red flags seriously. He was secretly using alcohol to self medicate. I knew he had an issue with alcohol but I chose to overlook it... Until I didn't and he committed suicide 2 days after I broke up with him. I took almost 8 months off from dating after that and worked on myself. I was a much different person with a much different dating goal when I started dating again a year later.
> 
> My story is not unusual. I know plenty of freshly divorced people who immediately jump into the dating pool to be fixed, to dump their baggage, or in a desperate search to fill an emotional need. 9/10 of these people end up with the wrong partners. I have seen some of these people, who in my opinion needed to seriously work on themselves before ever considering another relationship, get into one dysfunctional relationship after another. Some have gone so far as to get remarried, and divorced, within a couple of years after their original divorce. Don't be that person.


I think that depends on where you are in the detachment process. I know that I'd long mourned the end of the marriage and was pretty much meh when the divorce was final and started dating my bf right away.

But I agree about not rushing things. I've been quite happy to sit back and let things develop organically and fortunately my bf hasn't pushed me for anything. He has some anxiety so pushing wouldn't work for him either, and while I certainly have issues anxiety isn't one of them so I think I'm calming for him.

We very much like being together and spend 4-5 nights a week together. It's been 2 1/2 years now. Neither one of us is very needy so I think that helps.


----------



## Lila

My curse lives on and strong. 

Last night I went to a local outdoor concert with friends. I spent much of the evening chatting/flirting/dancing with a guy who was seated nearby. He looked like an average 50-something year old but was a lot of fun. Towards the end of the concert, knowing my curse, I asked him about his kids. 4 kids, two grown (awesome!!!) and 2 under 12 ( 11 and 8) ☹. I think I heard the record scratch sound. Hey, at least I had fun.


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## lifeistooshort

Lila said:


> My curse lives on and strong.
> 
> Last night I went to a local outdoor concert with friends. I spent much of the evening chatting/flirting/dancing with a guy who was seated nearby. He looked like an average 50-something year old but was a lot of fun. Towards the end of the concert, knowing my curse, I asked him about his kids. 4 kids, two grown (awesome!!!) and 2 under 12 ( 11 and 8) ☹. I think I heard the record scratch sound. Hey, at least I had fun.


Sounds like a guy who married young, had a couple of kids, divorced, then went younger and knocked out a couple more.

No thanks. A lot of men are fond of saying that single moms are a bad deal....well older dudes with young kids are a terrible deal.


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## Lila

lifeistooshort said:


> Sounds like a guy who married young, had a couple of kids, divorced, then went younger and knocked out a couple more.
> 
> No thanks. A lot of men are fond of saying that single moms are a bad deal....well older dudes with young kids are a terrible deal.


I didn't stick around to find out the full story but that's what I'm betting too. 

My curse is strong enough that I attract the older guys who married and started families later in life. Great guys but when I start hyperventilating talking about their kindergarteners I know it's going to be a problem long run. Mine is soon to turn 16. I loved every minute of raising him but I'm done with that phase of life. His private school tuition is going to pay for my waterfront home and boat.


----------



## bobert

lifeistooshort said:


> Sounds like a guy who married young, had a couple of kids, divorced, then went younger and knocked out a couple more.


You never know. The other day I had a (recently divorced) colleague assume my kids were from 3 different women, just because of their ages. I thought it was a joke at first but nope, she was dead serious.


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## lifeistooshort

bobert said:


> You never know. The other day I had a (recently divorced) colleague assume my kids were from 3 different women, just because of their ages. I thought it was a joke at first but nope, she was dead serious.


Yeah, you're right. My uncle was 11 years younger then my dad, same father, so I know it happens.

It would be interesting to see stats on it.


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## Elizabeth001

Lots of profiles on OLD from men in their 50s saying they are “open to children” or “want kids”. You gotta be effing kidding me 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Numb26

Elizabeth001 said:


> Lots of profiles on OLD from men in their 50s saying they are “open to children” or “want kids”. You gotta be effing kidding me
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I'm not doing OLD but I am in my 50's and have tough children. Does that mean I am a "bad deal"?


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## Elizabeth001

Numb26 said:


> I'm not doing OLD but I am in my 50's and have tough children. Does that mean I am a "bad deal"?


For me? Probably. Ages of said children have a lot to do with it, along with compatibility, chemistry and parenting style. Also what the meaning of “tough” is. On a glance, I would more than likely pass your profile by. But…that’s me. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Lila

Elizabeth001 said:


> Lots of profiles on OLD from men in their 50s saying they are “open to children” or “want kids”. You gotta be effing kidding me
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I know a man over 50 who didn't have kids with his first wife and is now looking to have them. He's one of those "wants kids" profiles 

But in general, guys who check "Open to children" mean they are A) open to single moms or B) looking to date much younger women who filter for "don't want kids".


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## Elizabeth001

Lila said:


> I know a man over 50 who didn't have kids with his first wife and is now looking to have them. He's one of those "wants kids" profiles
> 
> But in general, guys who check "Open to children" mean they are A) open to single moms or B) looking to date much younger women who filter for "don't want kids".


Right on. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Numb26

Elizabeth001 said:


> For me? Probably. Ages of said children have a lot to do with it, along with compatibility, chemistry and parenting style. Also what the meaning of “tough” is. On a glance, I would more than likely pass your profile by. But…that’s me.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Sorry. That was suppose to be "young" not "tough"


----------



## Elizabeth001

Btw…it’s 1:40 here on the east coast and I’ve decided that after house cleaning (did the yard yesterday in all of that heat) I want breakfast. Currently cooking up biscuits, link sausages and eggs. Happy Sunday my single TAM family 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Lila

Numb26 said:


> I'm not doing OLD but I am in my 50's and have tough children. Does that mean I am a "bad deal"?


It depends who you ask. I'm sure women with similarly aged kids would love to find someone in the same phase of life. 

If it makes any difference, i have dated men in the their mid 40s with grown kids who got sick of me and my kid ****. They were looking for someone free of child rearing responsibilities. Not me.


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## Elizabeth001

What Lila and I said is…there’s someone for everyone 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Lila

Elizabeth001 said:


> Btw…it’s 1:40 here on the east coast and I’ve decided that after house cleaning (did the yard yesterday in all of that heat) I want breakfast. Currently cooking up biscuits, link sausages and eggs. Happy Sunday my single TAM family
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk



That sounds delicious. I think I'll make breakfast for dinner today. Thanks for the idea @Elizabeth001 

Today must be cleaning day. That's what I'm up too a well. Waiting for the rain to cool us down a bit.


----------



## Elizabeth001

Lila said:


> That sounds delicious. I think I'll make breakfast for dinner today. Thanks for the idea @Elizabeth001
> 
> Today must be cleaning day. That's what I'm up too a well. Waiting for the rain to cool us down a bit.


Yes… Also waiting on the rain. I love a good thunderstorm!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## lifeistooshort

Elizabeth001 said:


> For me? Probably. Ages of said children have a lot to do with it, along with compatibility, chemistry and parenting style. Also what the meaning of “tough” is. On a glance, I would more than likely pass your profile by. But…that’s me.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I figured he meant "young"....stupid autocorrect 🤣

I agree with you. My kids are 18 and 20 and I have zero interest in dealing with someone else's young kids. They require a lot of time and commitment plus a fair amount of dealing with the other parent that I want no part of.

My bf (no kids) and I do what we want when we want. Obviously if my boys have events we'll go bur otherwise I'm in the freedom phase of my life and that's what I require from a partner.

Someone else might be ok with younger kids.


----------



## lifeistooshort

Elizabeth001 said:


> Yes… Also waiting on the rain. I love a good thunderstorm!
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


We just had plenty of rain here in NE FL. We've had so much the last few years.

It's too bad we can't ship it....we could supply the west coast 😀


----------



## Openminded

All of that also applies when you’re much older and date. My grandchildren are in college so I have lots of free time. Unfortunately, I seem to attract men who had children much later than I did and who now have very young grandchildren and they usually want to include me in entertaining them. I get it — I greatly enjoyed my grandchildren but I was still married then and not trying to juggle grandchildren and an active social life the way they are doing. At least I’ve learned to ask about that in the beginning.


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## TXTrini

Numb26 said:


> I'm not doing OLD but I am in my 50's and have tough children. Does that mean I am a "bad deal"?


It depends. If it's someone in a similar life stage, probably not. I don't have children, I started dating a guy with a young kid once, he ended up fading out. So I decided not to both with anyone with young children, it's worked out better for me.
Another childfree person would have been ideal, but, not a whole lot of those 40+.


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## LisaDiane

Numb26 said:


> I'm not doing OLD but I am in my 50's and have tough children. Does that mean I am a "bad deal"?


Not at all!!!! I am sure there are plenty of women who wouldn't mind children! Especially in your age range - upper 30s to 40s!


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## Elizabeth001

A message I just got:

Hi pretty you I must say dear, please if you don't mind can we talk and know more about our selves and see how it goes between us? 

Seriously? GAH!










I guess they (catfish) have figured out that overly handsome doesn’t work. 

Oh wait! Maybe he has a big 10-inch 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## TXTrini

Elizabeth001 said:


> A message I just got:
> 
> Hi pretty you I must say dear, please if you don't mind can we talk and know more about our selves and see how it goes between us?
> 
> Seriously? GAH!
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I guess they (catfish) have figured out that overly handsome doesn’t work.
> 
> Oh wait! Maybe he has a big 10-inch
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Hmm, he'd have to, I don't see overly pretty and the message sounds trite.


----------



## Enigma32

Elizabeth001 said:


> A message I just got:
> 
> *Hi pretty you I must say dear*, please if you don't mind can we talk and know more about our selves and see how it goes between us?
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Overusing the word "dear" is a clear indication you are speaking to someone in Africa, probably Ghana or Nigeria. They talk like that all the time. It's just something to look for.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Elizabeth001 said:


> A message I just got:
> 
> Hi pretty you I must say dear, please if you don't mind can we talk and know more about our selves and see how it goes between us?
> 
> Seriously? GAH!
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I guess they (catfish) have figured out that overly handsome doesn’t work.
> 
> Oh wait! Maybe he has a big 10-inch
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


It sounds like a cut and paste he uses for everyone. Don’t bite. Nothing original here.


----------



## Elizabeth001

There’s no way I would answer a message like that guys. I can’t believe anyone would!


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Lila

Elizabeth001 said:


> A message I just got:
> 
> Hi pretty you I must say dear, please if you don't mind can we talk and know more about our selves and see how it goes between us?
> 
> Seriously? GAH!
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I guess they (catfish) have figured out that overly handsome doesn’t work.
> 
> Oh wait! Maybe he has a big 10-inch
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


It reads like s scammer.


----------



## Hiner112

I had a funny exchange recently I thought I'd share (IE brag). Somewhat early on we had been talking about what we're kind of good at and I mentioned foot rubs and massages. Well, last Friday I did one. Later I started thinking about it and the common complaints women have so I thought I'd address it.

Me: I know it's a common joke or complaint that when a guy gives a massage, it's never just a massage. I _can_ give a massage without a "happy ending". I might hope but I wouldn't necessarily expect.

Her: Sometimes a massage is just a massage. Sometimes a massage is foreplay. A massage like that is _always_ foreplay.


----------



## TXTrini

Lila said:


> It reads like s scammer.


Ha! One less thing for men to say only applies to them on OLD. True scamming equality! How annoying


----------



## TXTrini

Hiner112 said:


> I had a funny exchange recently I thought I'd share (IE brag). Somewhat early on we had been talking about what we're kind of good at and I mentioned foot rubs and massages. Well, last Friday I did one. Later I started thinking about it and the common complaints women have so I thought I'd address it.
> 
> Me: I know it's a common joke or complaint that when a guy gives a massage, it's never just a massage. I _can_ give a massage without a "happy ending". I might hope but I wouldn't necessarily expect.
> 
> Her: Sometimes a massage is just a massage. Sometimes a massage is foreplay. A massage like that is _always_ foreplay.


Yes it is! I never got a message of any kind from a man before the current bf. I had no idea what I was missing out on


----------



## Blondilocks

Elizabeth001 said:


> A message I just got:
> 
> Hi pretty you I must say dear, please if you don't mind can we talk and know more about our selves and see how it goes between us?
> 
> Seriously? GAH!
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I guess they (catfish) have figured out that overly handsome doesn’t work.
> 
> Oh wait! Maybe he has a big 10-inch
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


You mean your panties weren't wet?

They need to photoshop the hair a little closer to the forehead.


----------



## Elizabeth001

Blondilocks said:


> You mean your panties weren't wet?
> 
> They need to photoshop the hair a little closer to the forehead.





Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Laurentium

Hiner112 said:


> Her: Sometimes a massage is just a massage. Sometimes a massage is foreplay. A massage like that is _always_ foreplay.


Warning: EXTREME bad language: 



 pulp fiction foot massage dialogue


----------



## Affaircare

Now you’all got me thinking about foot massage. Woo that MEANS something!


----------



## TXTrini

Affaircare said:


> Now you’all got me thinking about foot massage. Woo that MEANS something!


You and me both, sista!


----------



## notmyjamie

I’m a little late but I joined an online dating site about 7 months after asking for the divorce. But I had spent the previous 14 years working towards ending my marriage. I joined mostly to get an idea of what was out there. One guys message and profile interested me…2+ years later we just got an apartment together. Never could have imagined…


----------



## LisaDiane

Elizabeth001 said:


> A message I just got:
> 
> Hi pretty you I must say dear, please if you don't mind can we talk and know more about our selves and see how it goes between us?
> 
> Seriously? GAH!
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I guess they (catfish) have figured out that overly handsome doesn’t work.
> 
> Oh wait! Maybe he has a big 10-inch
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Umm...10-inches would be a NO CHANCE for me...Lol!!!

If he's a scammer, are they stealing pictures off of people's social media?


----------



## Openminded

Yes, I read that scammers do take pictures off social media — and everywhere else they find them. There have been some crazy stories about that.


----------



## Elizabeth001

LisaDiane said:


> Umm...10-inches would be a NO CHANCE for me...Lol!!!
> 
> If he's a scammer, are they stealing pictures off of people's social media?


Most definitely. The guy in that photo probably has no idea 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## m.t.t

I've just rejoined a dating sight. The question that everyone seems to want to know is what are you looking for. Seems like casual is the catch phrase for most. I don't know really.


----------



## TXTrini

LisaDiane said:


> Umm...10-inches would be a NO CHANCE for me...Lol!!!
> 
> If he's a scammer, are they stealing pictures off of people's social media?




I like to give men **** since some are about looks and body. It helped me a lot sort through the decent ones from the ****bois OLD and provided quite a bit of entertainment. 

I've been laughing my ass off about some crap I've seen posted on the MGTOW thread. I have nothing against their movement, they're doing everyone a favor, really.

It's just funny the level of entitlement of some people, it's weird how average demands/expects above average. In my experience, people usually pair off evenly, and the ones who don't are willfully blind b/c they are quite aware of what they're trading.


----------



## Lila

LisaDiane said:


> Umm...10-inches would be a NO CHANCE for me...Lol!!!


I would not **** it but would take a selfie with it just to prove it exists. Kind of like UFOs and Yetis. 🤣🤣


----------



## Lila

TXTrini said:


> I've been laughing my ass off about some crap I've seen posted on the MGTOW thread. I have nothing against their movement, *they're doing everyone a favor,* really.


Ain't that the truth. People are welcome to choose how they want to live. MGTOW is a good option for those who want nothing to do with society and women in general. I'm not onboard with blaming women as a whole for their personal life obstacles and failures. 




TXTrini said:


> It's just funny the level of entitlement of some people, it's weird how average demands/expects above average. In my experience, people usually pair off evenly, and the ones who don't are willfully blind b/c they are quite aware of what they're trading.


But, but, but.....they DeSErVe the hot chick who will have adventurous sex with them on demand, never question any of their decisions, spit out their babies, and if it all fails, relinquish all legal claims to "their" wealth. 🙄 

If they thought about it for 2 minutes they'd realize this is the other side of the coin they complain about all of the time - women who expect Prince Charming (or Christian Grey) to come swoop them away.


----------



## TXTrini

Lila said:


> Ain't that the truth. People are welcome to choose how they want to live. MGTOW is a good option for those who want nothing to do with society and women in general. I'm not onboard with blaming women as a whole for their personal life obstacles and failures.
> 
> But, but, but.....they DeSErVe the hot chick who will have adventurous sex with them on demand, never question any of their decisions, spit out their babies, and if it all fails, relinquish all legal claims to "their" wealth. 🙄


I get it. After being screwed over by men, I could have done WGOTW, but I like ... certain things they have too much  to let the ****ty ones spoil all men for me.

That entitled attitude is really offputting, and it's like a miasma around some men.

I don't understand the logic of that thinking at all. I get that people are attracted to who they are, but you have to take a good hard look at yourself and understand your value proposition, then be realistic about what you can offer and expect. I think the same about women who are chunky, but want men with 6-packs... Not. Going. To. Happen...


----------



## johndoe12299

Tinder is the worst. I've probably put out close to 100 likes and have 6 matches, half bots and half extemely unhealthy, unattractive people. le' sigh


----------



## johndoe12299

Match seems to have better "quality" women


----------



## RebuildingMe

johndoe12299 said:


> Tinder is the worst. I've probably put out close to 100 likes and have 6 matches, half bots and half extemely unhealthy, unattractive people. le' sigh


Whoa, you've been separated for like 11 seconds? Didn't just just fool around with your wife yesterday? WTF are you on OLD????


----------



## TXTrini

johndoe12299 said:


> Tinder is the worst. I've probably put out close to 100 likes and have 6 matches, half bots and half extemely unhealthy, unattractive people. le' sigh


I wouldn't screw a dude off Tinder with another woman's 🐱



RebuildingMe said:


> Whoa, you've been separated for like 11 seconds? Didn't just just fool around with your wife yesterday? WTF are you on OLD????


Wait, what?! 

Now, this is why you don't date separated people, folks. 

If you're really screwing the missus, GTFO until you make up your mind, boi! You know what "boi" I'm talking about.


----------



## LisaDiane

Elizabeth001 said:


> Most definitely. The guy in that photo probably has no idea
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


YIKES!!!


----------



## LisaDiane

TXTrini said:


> I get it. After being screwed over by men, *I could have done WGOTW*, but I like ... certain things they have too much  to let the ****ty ones spoil all men for me.


Lolol!!!! This is GREAT!!!!!


----------



## Numb26

Having a first date tonight. Wish me luck!


----------



## LisaDiane

Numb26 said:


> Having a first date tonight. Wish me luck!


A FIRST date...?? Things didn't work out with the other woman?

Good luck either way!


----------



## LisaDiane

m.t.t said:


> I've just rejoined a dating sight. The question that everyone seems to want to know is what are you looking for. Seems like casual is the catch phrase for most. I don't know really.


What does "casual" mean on there? Do you mean everyone just wants FWB...or are people all trying to sound low-maintenance??


----------



## Numb26

LisaDiane said:


> A FIRST date...?? Things didn't work out with the other woman?
> 
> Good luck either way!


No they didn't work out. Cultural differences.

Hopeful for this one though. Going out for drinks after her match tonight.


----------



## m.t.t

LisaDiane said:


> What does "casual" mean on there? Do you mean everyone just wants FWB...or are people all trying to sound low-maintenance??


I'm not sure. I'm not mainstream dating. Someone I'm talking to and i really kind of like said I'm assuming you are after casual? I said what does casual mean for you? They said you see me when you want and in between you date other people. In context this person I think feels that they can't believe I'm interested I'm them. They say things that strongly indicate that. I very much am. They said in the past they got invested early and they are trying to go against that. I'm monogamous by nature. 

So I don't know what to do here. I don't want to live with someone again but my ideal would be two seperate houses (I'm quite independant) and a monogamous relationship. What is that called? Is that causal.


----------



## TXTrini

Numb26 said:


> No they didn't work out. Cultural differences.
> 
> Hopeful for this one though. Going out for drinks after her match tonight.


What cultural differences, if I might insert my nose?

I've been navigating some with my bf. Sometimes I sent hi. Into a **** fit if I'm not careful.


----------



## Numb26

TXTrini said:


> What cultural differences, if I might insert my nose?
> 
> I've been navigating some with my bf. Sometimes I sent hi. Into a **** fit if I'm not careful.


She is Native American, I am not. Made a difference to her family apparently, enough to have her break it off.


----------



## TXTrini

Numb26 said:


> She is Native American, I am not. Made a difference to her family apparently, enough to have her break it off.


Wow, that sucks! I'm sorry. I understand both sides of it, but sure doesn't make it any easier 😕.


----------



## Numb26

It is what it is. We weren't that serious anyway.


----------



## Hopeful Cynic

m.t.t said:


> I'm not sure. I'm not mainstream dating. Someone I'm talking to and i really kind of like said I'm assuming you are after casual? I said what does casual mean for you? They said you see me when you want and in between you date other people. In context this person I think feels that they can't believe I'm interested I'm them. They say things that strongly indicate that. I very much am. They said in the past they got invested early and they are trying to go against that. I'm monogamous by nature.
> 
> So I don't know what to do here. I don't want to live with someone again but my ideal would be two seperate houses (I'm quite independant) and a monogamous relationship. What is that called? Is that causal.


I think what you are describing is called Living Apart Together (LAT). It's definitely not casual though, as there is a monogamous commitment. Casual to me doesn't involve any level of commitment.


----------



## Affaircare

You know, at times I truly don’t “get” dating. I have never ever just dated for something to do or for a person to be with, and I never dated several at one time either! Well… I tried it once when I was much younger, but I felt sick inside. Hated it!

I don’t date until I REALLY like someone and when I do date, it’s one person. If it doesn’t work out, I end it and don’t date again until I find another person whom I REALLY like and again it’s exclusive.

I sincerely do not “get” some of this current dating. Call me old-fashioned I guess!


----------



## jlg07

Lila said:


> Ain't that the truth. People are welcome to choose how they want to live. MGTOW is a good option for those who want nothing to do with society and women in general. I'm not onboard with blaming women as a whole for their personal life obstacles and failures.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> But, but, but.....they DeSErVe the hot chick who will have adventurous sex with them on demand, never question any of their decisions, spit out their babies, and if it all fails, relinquish all legal claims to "their" wealth. 🙄
> 
> If they thought about it for 2 minutes they'd realize this is the other side of the coin they complain about all of the time - women who expect Prince Charming (or Christian Grey) to come swoop them away.


Wait, you mean Stepford wives AREN'T REAL!!!!!!


----------



## 3Xnocharm

m.t.t said:


> I'm not sure. I'm not mainstream dating. Someone I'm talking to and i really kind of like said I'm assuming you are after casual? I said what does casual mean for you? They said you see me when you want and in between you date other people. In context this person I think feels that they can't believe I'm interested I'm them. They say things that strongly indicate that. I very much am. They said in the past they got invested early and they are trying to go against that. I'm monogamous by nature.
> 
> So I don't know what to do here. I don't want to live with someone again but my ideal would be two seperate houses (I'm quite independant) and a monogamous relationship. What is that called? Is that causal.


Sweetie you know I love you, but you really should be staying away from men for a while. After that last nightmare of a relationship you need to be working on some serious self love. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## m.t.t

3Xnocharm said:


> Sweetie you know I love you, but you really should be staying away from men for a while. After that last nightmare of a relationship you need to be working on some serious self love.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Thank you, I love you to bits too. You have been wonderful and very supportive. 

It's been 7-8 months. The relationship only went for 5, but yes 5 mostly troubling months tbh. I've been working with my psychologist in that time, pulling things apart understanding why I kept going against by own alarm bells etc. I decided to venture out in the last couple of weeks. As you know I'm pansexual. I've been queer since I was 20. I'm not really attracted to many people, not in any real way, so when I find myself physically attracted to someone it's kind of nice. I'm talking to a women who has been out of a queer relationship for 3 years. She makes me laugh  It's nice to laugh.


----------



## LisaDiane

Affaircare said:


> You know, at times I truly don’t “get” dating. I have never ever just dated for something to do or for a person to be with, and I never dated several at one time either! Well… I tried it once when I was much younger, but I felt sick inside. Hated it!
> 
> I don’t date until I REALLY like someone and when I do date, it’s one person. If it doesn’t work out, I end it and don’t date again until I find another person whom I REALLY like and again it’s exclusive.
> 
> I sincerely do not “get” some of this current dating. Call me old-fashioned I guess!


This is ME too, I think!! I've actually never technically "dated", but I think once I decide I want to, THIS is how I will be!


----------



## LisaDiane

m.t.t said:


> I'm not sure. I'm not mainstream dating. Someone I'm talking to and i really kind of like said I'm assuming you are after casual? I said what does casual mean for you? *They said you see me when you want and in between you date other people.* In context this person I think feels that they can't believe I'm interested I'm them. They say things that strongly indicate that. I very much am. They said in the past they got invested early and they are trying to go against that. I'm monogamous by nature.


I don't think I could ever do "casual" then...I generally invest myself into the relationship that is important to me, unless it's time to move on. If I'm not compatible enough with someone to emotionally invest in them, then I would never want to waste their time or my own by being "casual". 

I hope this one works out for you!!!


----------



## Lila

m.t.t said:


> I'm not sure. I'm not mainstream dating. Someone I'm talking to and i really kind of like said I'm assuming you are after casual? I said what does casual mean for you? They said you see me when you want and in between you date other people. In context this person I think feels that they can't believe I'm interested I'm them. They say things that strongly indicate that. I very much am. They said in the past they got invested early and they are trying to go against that. I'm monogamous by nature.
> 
> So I don't know what to do here. I don't want to live with someone again but my ideal would be two seperate houses (I'm quite independant) and a monogamous relationship. What is that called? Is that causal.


Casual dating to me is just playing the field without commitment. Everyone has their preferences and their speed. I prefer to casually date and get to know people slowly. I don't have sex outside an exclusive relationship but I'm also not into the intensity of today's dating world. 

It's all ass backwards if you ask me. Back in the day people knew each other before choosing to go on a date. Now we date to get to know each other.


----------



## Numb26

Lila said:


> It's all ass backwards if you ask me. Back in the day people knew each other before choosing to go on a date. Now we date to get to know each other.


^^^This


----------



## ccpowerslave

That is weird. It was exactly like that, you know the person or meet them and then ask them out. Not ask them out and then meet them. 🤔


----------



## TXTrini

LisaDiane said:


> This is ME too, I think!! I've actually never technically "dated", but I think once I decide I want to, THIS is how I will be!


Don't change! It'll feel wrong.


----------



## LisaDiane

TXTrini said:


> Don't change! It'll feel wrong.


I don't think I could change that, even if I wanted to. 

But I plan on being ME...because I want to find someone who wants me the way I really am!
Of course, that's what I thought I did with my STBX, and we know how THAT turned out...


----------



## notmyjamie

I’m not into dating multiple guys at the same time, never have been. Got lucky that BF was looking for the same as me and wanted to focus on dating just me. It is possible to find people who want that. I was terrified to start dating again because everyone told me no men my age wanted what I wanted.

But, I go into dating with a realistic mindset…I’m not looking for Mr Sixpack Abs who makes $500k a year. I looked for a guy like me…signs of age are there but still handsome, not rich but pays his bills and leads a good life. I had the Sixpack Ab guy once…he was very selfish in bed and cheated on me. No thanks.


----------



## lifeistooshort

notmyjamie said:


> I’m a little late but I joined an online dating site about 7 months after asking for the divorce. But I had spent the previous 14 years working towards ending my marriage. I joined mostly to get an idea of what was out there. One guys message and profile interested me…2+ years later we just got an apartment together. Never could have imagined…


Something similar happened to a friend of mine.

After having a bad marriage and then a bad engagement to a bum who cheated on her during an illness she stayed single for a couple of years.

She recovered from her illness and joined a Match. Had lunch with one guy and nothing clicked. Had lunch with a 2nd guy.....that was 3 and a half years ago and he's now her husband. She's crazy about him....both in their 50's and he's a great guy. She was actually diagnosed with stage 1 cancer early in the marriage and he stood right by her.

She's now considered cured, though of course she has to get checkups periodically.

Of course I know a few other women who are on OLD who say it's a **** show. But that might be partly their fault.


----------



## notmyjamie

lifeistooshort said:


> Something similar happened to a friend of mine.
> 
> After having a bad marriage and then a bad engagement to a bum who cheated on her during an illness she stayed single for a couple of years.
> 
> She recovered from her illness and joined a Match. Had lunch with one guy and nothing clicked. Had lunch with a 2nd guy.....that was 3 and a half years ago and he's now her husband. She's crazy about him....both in their 50's and he's a great guy. She was actually diagnosed with stage 1 cancer early in the marriage and he stood right by her.
> 
> She's now considered cured, though of course she has to get checkups periodically.
> 
> Of course I know a few other women who are on OLD who say it's a **** show. But that might be partly their fault.


Thats awesome for your friend!!! I have a friend with a similar story…finally met a great guy who seemed made for her (and her for him) and days after moving in together she was diagnosed with cancer. She gave him a chance to bug out…he told her he’d hear no more of that nonsense.

I do think a lot of women are the reason they can’t find anyone. I see “I wouldn’t stand for that!!” Type responses to normal relationship issues. Like “we had plans and he cancelled because his daughter was sick” Um…I wouldn’t want to be with a guy who wouldn’t go tend to his sick child. Or he pays his child support and so she thinks he doesn’t have enough money. Or he has some emotional triggers due to his previous relationship and she doesn’t want to have to deal with it. I’m always shaking my head reading that stuff. If I read “I know my worth so I’m not putting up with that” where that is normal life **** for someone in their 40’s and 50’s. Okay…how’s that solitude treating you?


----------



## LisaDiane

notmyjamie said:


> …I’m not looking for Mr Sixpack Abs who makes $500k a year.


EXACTLY...these are two things that aren't part of what I would look for at all.


----------



## Numb26

I call myself "Mr. Keg"


----------



## LisaDiane

Numb26 said:


> I call myself "Mr. Keg"


???
As in, BEER KEG...?? Because you are full of beer? Lol!!!

I thought it was bourbon...


----------



## Numb26

LisaDiane said:


> ???
> As in, BEER KEG...?? Because you are full of beer? Lol!!!
> 
> I thought it was bourbon...


Well, more the shape of a keg! LOL No matter how much I lift I will never have a 6pack.

Oh, it's bourbon. I do drink beer but not often


----------



## LisaDiane

Numb26 said:


> Well, more the shape of a keg! LOL *No matter how much I lift I will never have a 6pack*.
> 
> Oh, it's bourbon. I do drink beer but not often


And you seem to have plenty of dates...so see? It's just not that important when dating!!


----------



## Numb26

LisaDiane said:


> And you seem to have plenty of dates...so see? It's just not that important when dating!!


This is true! It's all my arms, chest and legs that lures them in. Hehehe


----------



## jlg07

Numb26 said:


> Well, more the shape of a keg! LOL No matter how much I lift I will never have a 6pack.
> 
> Oh, it's bourbon. I do drink beer but not often


So you are one of those guys that has a six pack -- that is hidden by a 12 pack???


----------



## m.t.t

LisaDiane said:


> I don't think I could ever do "casual" then...I generally invest myself into the relationship that is important to me, unless it's time to move on. If I'm not compatible enough with someone to emotionally invest in them, then I would never want to waste their time or my own by being "casual".
> 
> I hope this one works out for you!!!


The thing with people in lesbian communities as couples they are prone to the uhaul thing (what do lesbians bring to the second date ? A uhaul van.) It's a joke, but very typical. She tends to want to do just that when she likes someone. She explained that when you are a minority if you actually meet someone you like then you instantly want to lock it down. That and the double whammy of the bonding hormone when you have sleep together. She wants to stop doing this, even though she feels like it's ingrained in her. For me like to take my time and get to know someone.

I really don't know her apart from texting and facetime chats, we are in lockdown. But I can't wait to meet her in person. But what she said about casual, the way it was said made me feel like she was putting feelers out. I'm very monogamous so I don't know really if I should go near her. But I have said I bond with the person I'm with and I can't he uhauled, I'm way too independent. I'm hoping there is middle ground.


----------



## Numb26

jlg07 said:


> So you are one of those guys that has a six pack -- that is hidden by a 12 pack???


LMAO No! I power lift so I am bulk not cut


----------



## Lila

notmyjamie said:


> *Or he has some emotional triggers due to his previous relationship and she doesn’t want to have to deal with it. *I’m always shaking my head reading that stuff. If I read “I know my worth so I’m not putting up with that” where that is normal life **** for someone in their 40’s and 50’s. Okay…how’s that solitude treating you?


I was with you until this one @notmyjamie . What you describe is called emotional baggage. Count me as one who takes this sort of stuff seriously. I've spent a lot of time and energy to resolve my issues. I'm not perfect but I'm way better than I was after my divorce. At this age, we've all suffered emotionally but I prefer to deal with people with scars and not festering open wounds. 

In my opinion, people who bring their unresolved emotional baggage into new relationships are already on the road to failure.


----------



## notmyjamie

The fact is though that our previous lives always have an impact on our current needs and wants. There is no getting around that. If someone’s needs are not healthy though that’s something different. I’ve seen women get upset because the man wants to set healthy boundaries then say it’s the guys fault. No, it really isn’t.he’s setting a healthy boundary based on his past and what he’s learned. Does that make more sense?

I set certain boundaries with BF right from the start that are healthy…for example, I said right from date one, you call me a ***** or say “**** you!” To me once and I’ll walk. He was horrified that I felt the need to say it but my past experience brought me to a place that I wanted to set that boundary from day one.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

This is something that has been a quandary for me. We are told to take the lessons from our past forward with us, set boundaries etc… but so many people come at you that you have baggage and that you are punishing them for your past when you do this. Where is the line? If we don’t learn, then how can we grow and be successful in our future relations? How can we avoid the same mistakes unless we are proactive?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## m.t.t

3Xnocharm said:


> This is something that has been a quandary for me. We are told to take the lessons from our past forward with us, set boundaries etc… but so many people come at you that you have baggage and that you are punishing them for your past when you do this. Where is the line? If we don’t learn, then how can we grow and be successful in our future relations? How can we avoid the same mistakes unless we are proactive?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Maybe it's more that you have worked out what you will and will not tolerate in a relationship.

I guess with the baggage thing, say in regards to cheating. If you go into your next relationship super anxious that they will also cheat on you then you have undelat with baggage. If you have worked on it then you are not looking for signs of unfaithfulness. But if you find out they are cheating then you don't try to fix them like you did last time you walk.

Maybe it's about healing and learning about yourself and not punishing or being suspicious of the next person.


----------



## lifeistooshort

LisaDiane said:


> EXACTLY...these are two things that aren't part of what I would look for at all.


Six packs are overrated. I like broad shoulders and a big chest...a bit of a gut doesn't bother me.

I just don't want a fat guy..... i ain't a fat chick.


----------



## Lila

notmyjamie said:


> I’ve seen women get upset because the man wants to set healthy boundaries then say it’s the guys fault. No, it really isn’t.he’s setting a healthy boundary based on his past and what he’s learned. Does that make more sense?


This does make sense.

Boundaries and expectations are healthy as long as they are communicated early in the relationship building process. People with unresolved emotional baggage have a very difficult time voicing them for fear of losing the person they are with or worse, being dismissed/told they are unreasonable. Instead they react poorly when things don't go as they want, need, or expect. 

I am not looking for the perfect man but I'm also not Beauty looking to teach the Beast to love again. Tell me your boundaries and expectations, and I'll tell you if I feel I can meet them. If I can't, let's go our separate ways to find those that can.




3Xnocharm said:


> This is something that has been a quandary for me. We are told to take the lessons from our past forward with us, set boundaries etc… but so many people come at you that you have baggage and that you are punishing them for your past when you do this. Where is the line? If we don’t learn, then how can we grow and be successful in our future relations? How can we avoid the same mistakes unless we are proactive?


To me, emotional baggage keeps us from being *vulnerable*. It's all of the hurt, anger, and fear that we hold on to and use to build up protective walls. 

The best way it's been described to me is that unresolved emotional baggage is a 6 ft thick wall around a treasured possession with controlled access at all points. Resolved emotional baggage allows for open viewing of the treasured possession..... protected by strategically placed sniper sentinels.


----------



## lifeistooshort

notmyjamie said:


> Thats awesome for your friend!!! I have a friend with a similar story…finally met a great guy who seemed made for her (and her for him) and days after moving in together she was diagnosed with cancer. She gave him a chance to bug out…he told her he’d hear no more of that nonsense.
> 
> I do think a lot of women are the reason they can’t find anyone. I see “I wouldn’t stand for that!!” Type responses to normal relationship issues. Like “we had plans and he cancelled because his daughter was sick” Um…I wouldn’t want to be with a guy who wouldn’t go tend to his sick child. Or he pays his child support and so she thinks he doesn’t have enough money. Or he has some emotional triggers due to his previous relationship and she doesn’t want to have to deal with it. I’m always shaking my head reading that stuff. If I read “I know my worth so I’m not putting up with that” where that is normal life **** for someone in their 40’s and 50’s. Okay…how’s that solitude treating you?


A lot of people have trouble either accepting other people's boundaries (even as they have their own) or just accepting basic incompatibilities.

It's tough when you like someone but there's that one thing about them that makes you unhappy. It can be hard to know what to accept as part of a package and what to refuse to accept.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Numb26 said:


> Having a first date tonight. Wish me luck!


How did it go?


----------



## Numb26

RebuildingMe said:


> How did it go?


Went really good! She is a Jammer on a roller derby team so I got to see a game and get some food/drinks afterwards. She is was very extroverted and was bruised. LOL


----------



## RebuildingMe

Numb26 said:


> Went really good! She is a Jammer on a roller derby team so I got to see a game and get some food/drinks afterwards. She is was very extroverted and was bruised. LOL


Sounds awesome! She can probably kick some ass too.


----------



## farsidejunky

3Xnocharm said:


> This is something that has been a quandary for me. We are told to take the lessons from our past forward with us, set boundaries etc… but so many people come at you that you have baggage and that you are punishing them for your past when you do this. Where is the line? If we don’t learn, then how can we grow and be successful in our future relations? How can we avoid the same mistakes unless we are proactive?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


We are all entitled to set out own boundaries, even if they are unreasonable, as indicated by @notmyjamie. The lines being crossed are where you discover true compatibility.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


----------



## Numb26

RebuildingMe said:


> Sounds awesome! She can probably kick some ass too.


Just my type!!


----------



## Affaircare

3Xnocharm said:


> This is something that has been a quandary for me. We are told to take the lessons from our past forward with us, set boundaries etc… but so many people come at you that you have baggage and that you are punishing them for your past when you do this. Where is the line? If we don’t learn, then how can we grow and be successful in our future relations? How can we avoid the same mistakes unless we are proactive?


@3Xnocharm this is an excellent question! Know why I say that? Because it means you're thinking about it, and I'd say the majority of the population doesn't even bother to try to think about it or grow as a person! So kuddos for asking!

Okay as to the question, here is my opinion. The lessons we learn from the past that help us to establish boundaries are IN THE PAST and not in the present. However, they do affect the present because the lessons have changed you and who you are as a person. 

So a good example: spouse A cheated on you and broke up the family. As the divorce was working its way through the courts, you went to IC and discovered that you tend to be a people-pleaser and you were emotionally abused. Rightfully so, you decide that from this time forward, the boundary you put around your own self is that you will no longer have a partner in your life who calls you names, invalidates you, criticizes you about every little thing, creates chaos and blames you, and uses emotional blackmail to get their way (as a few examples). IN NO WAY are you saying that people can't choose to do these things! They are free to behave like that, if that is their choice. What you ARE saying is that you won't have that person as a partner in your life. 

Now that lesson is in the past. The person who treated you like that--emotionally abusive--is in the past. That is NOT your current partner. So if your current partner says "Honey, I appreciate that you did the laundry, but would you mind folding my t-shirts this way?"...that is a respectful request and in no way "criticizing you about every little thing", and yet since you HAVE been criticized about every little thing in the past, your ear may hear it as being criticized about every little thing. Here's where the line comes in. It is reasonable to have the boundary that you won't be with a partner who criticizes you about every little thing. You brought that lesson forward with you. The UNREASONABLE part is when your current partner really does put forth a respectful request but your ear hears the criticism. 

The hearing of criticism is punishing the current partner for the past. I have a note above my computer screen that says "Remember who he is"...and it's to remind me to remember that my partner is THIS person...NOW... and not the partner from the past. Then think about who this current partner IS. Is the current partner thoughtful? Respectful? Appreciative? Then the fact that you heard criticism may not have been them...but rather you. You deal with it. If the current partner is self-centered, disrespectful, entitled, and critical over and over and over and over...then the fact that you heard criticism would most likely be them and not you...apply boundary. 

Make sense?


----------



## notmyjamie

You weren't addressing me @Affaircare but I think you just said what I've been struggling to say. Thank you.


----------



## LisaDiane

How do you guys deal with DETACHING...?? 

How do I keep my negative feelings about my STBX from affecting me in ways I don't want them to??? Am I only going to have control over my reactions when he is finally gone and out of my life completely??

Because that's just not going to work for me...he has to be around for another month at least, and I'm SO tired of feeling dread and unhappiness every time we are in the house together. He mostly ignores me, but he's still difficult to be around, because his moods are unpredictable and he plays silly emotional games that I have to ignore so I don't make things worse!

But I am as detached as I can possibly be, both physically and emotionally, and yet his presence is still able to make me nervous and uneasy, and drain my energy...and I HATE it!!

Is there any other way to protect myself from the emotional turmoil of being around him, while I wait for him to actually LEAVE??


----------



## LisaDiane

Lila said:


> The best way it's been described to me is that unresolved emotional baggage is a 6 ft thick wall around a treasured possession with controlled access at all points. Resolved emotional baggage allows for open viewing of the treasured possession..... protected by strategically placed sniper sentinels.


I love this description!!!


----------



## Hiner112

LisaDiane said:


> How do you guys deal with DETACHING...??
> 
> How do I keep my negative feelings about my STBX from affecting me in ways I don't want them to??? Am I only going to have control over my reactions when he is finally gone and out of my life completely??
> 
> Because that's just not going to work for me...he has to be around for another month at least, and I'm SO tired of feeling dread and unhappiness every time we are in the house together. He mostly ignores me, but he's still difficult to be around, because his moods are unpredictable and he plays silly emotional games that I have to ignore so I don't make things worse!
> 
> But I am as detached as I can possibly be, both physically and emotionally, and yet his presence is still able to make me nervous and uneasy, and drain my energy...and I HATE it!!
> 
> Is there any other way to protect myself from the emotional turmoil of being around him, while I wait for him to actually LEAVE??


Conscious uncoupling is more or less how my ex and I approached our end of marriage and it seemed like a decent way to emotionally defuse the situation. Forgive them for being a jackass. Forgive yourself for choosing a jackass. Err on the side of generosity. Learn from your mistakes. Reflect on the root cause of any lapse of judgement or behavior. There are a couple other pointers but those were the high points.


----------



## jlg07

LisaDiane said:


> How do you guys deal with DETACHING...??
> 
> How do I keep my negative feelings about my STBX from affecting me in ways I don't want them to??? Am I only going to have control over my reactions when he is finally gone and out of my life completely??
> 
> Because that's just not going to work for me...he has to be around for another month at least, and I'm SO tired of feeling dread and unhappiness every time we are in the house together. He mostly ignores me, but he's still difficult to be around, because his moods are unpredictable and he plays silly emotional games that I have to ignore so I don't make things worse!
> 
> But I am as detached as I can possibly be, both physically and emotionally, and yet his presence is still able to make me nervous and uneasy, and drain my energy...and I HATE it!!
> 
> Is there any other way to protect myself from the emotional turmoil of being around him, while I wait for him to actually LEAVE??


How about the ever-popular 180? At least that way you minimize any conversation with him, and you can just walk away from any emotional outbursts or moods.

Anything he complains about, "Sorry you feel that way" over and over and over....


----------



## TXTrini

LisaDiane said:


> How do you guys deal with DETACHING...??
> 
> How do I keep my negative feelings about my STBX from affecting me in ways I don't want them to??? Am I only going to have control over my reactions when he is finally gone and out of my life completely??
> 
> Because that's just not going to work for me...he has to be around for another month at least, and I'm SO tired of feeling dread and unhappiness every time we are in the house together. He mostly ignores me, but he's still difficult to be around, because his moods are unpredictable and he plays silly emotional games that I have to ignore so I don't make things worse!
> 
> But I am as detached as I can possibly be, both physically and emotionally, and yet his presence is still able to make me nervous and uneasy, and drain my energy...and I HATE it!!
> 
> Is there any other way to protect myself from the emotional turmoil of being around him, while I wait for him to actually LEAVE??


I don't have any advice for you hon, just support. Maybe try the 180 as jlg07 suggested. I honestly don't know how people do in-home separation, that's a recipe for murder.


----------



## Elizabeth001

TXTrini said:


> I don't have any advice for you hon, just support. Maybe try the 180 as jlg07 suggested. I honestly don't know how people do in-home separation, that's a recipe for murder.


Yup…small miracle I’m not in the pen for murder right now 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## TXTrini

Elizabeth001 said:


> Yup…small miracle I’m not in the pen for murder right now
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Girl, I had to remind myself on DD not to shoot his ass and hide the body cause he certainly wasn't worth going to prison for and having to be some huge lesbian's *****.


----------



## notmyjamie

I’d suggest doing a 180 and finding lots to do out of the house when he’s home. Any friends nearby you can make plans with when he’s around?


----------



## LisaDiane

Hiner112 said:


> Conscious uncoupling is more or less how my ex and I approached our end of marriage and it seemed like a decent way to emotionally defuse the situation. Forgive them for being a jackass. Forgive yourself for choosing a jackass. Err on the side of generosity. Learn from your mistakes. Reflect on the root cause of any lapse of judgement or behavior. There are a couple other pointers but those were the high points.





jlg07 said:


> How about the ever-popular 180? At least that way you minimize any conversation with him, and you can just walk away from any emotional outbursts or moods.
> 
> Anything he complains about, "Sorry you feel that way" over and over and over....


Thank you both...Yes, we've actually already been living this way for over 18 months. I did the 180 with him way back when our sex life went away...and then all hell broke loose...Lol!! But it's calm now, and we are living as actual roommates, which is a relief for sure.

I think it's just that I used to love and respect him SO MUCH, and now that the masks are off, I have none of that for him at all anymore...and now he's making colossally BAD choices, and I struggle with staying detached and letting him do his own thing while he tries to gaslight me about what he's up to. I don't understand why he continues to lie to me, because I haven't cared (and neither has he) for over a year now! But lying is how he communicates, I think - he needs to control all information.

It's just anxiety producing...and if the freakin' divorce summons would get here so he could sign it and send it back, then I could coax him out of here...but it's taking FOREVER!!!! It was supposed to be here last week, and now they said tomorrow...UGH!!!


----------



## LisaDiane

TXTrini said:


> Girl, I had to remind myself on DD not to shoot his ass and hide the body cause he certainly wasn't worth going to prison for and having to be some huge lesbian's ***.


Lolol!!!! Another GEM!!!


----------



## LisaDiane

notmyjamie said:


> I’d suggest doing a 180 and finding lots to do out of the house when he’s home. Any friends nearby you can make plans with when he’s around?


I think this is what I'm going to have to do...he's just so erratic and unpredictable now, I'm never sure when he is planning on being here. And I think that's part of the problem - there is NO stability, and nothing to count on.


----------



## Affaircare

LisaDiane said:


> How do you guys deal with DETACHING...??
> 
> How do I keep my negative feelings about my STBX from affecting me in ways I don't want them to??? Am I only going to have control over my reactions when he is finally gone and out of my life completely??
> 
> Because that's just not going to work for me...he has to be around for another month at least, and I'm SO tired of feeling dread and unhappiness every time we are in the house together. He mostly ignores me, but he's still difficult to be around, because his moods are unpredictable and he plays silly emotional games that I have to ignore so I don't make things worse!
> 
> But I am as detached as I can possibly be, both physically and emotionally, and yet his presence is still able to make me nervous and uneasy, and drain my energy...and I HATE it!!
> 
> Is there any other way to protect myself from the emotional turmoil of being around him, while I wait for him to actually LEAVE??


I have practical tips. 

1. Take action to heal yourself--start working out or do something you've always wanted to do but never did. If you need counseling or a support group, go! Do what you need to do to heal you. I took St. John's Wort, went to a women's support groupt and a divorce support group. 

2. Step back--don't always go home. Go out or go on a vacation without him or just go sit in the park. Just because you sleep there at night doesn't mean you have to go there after work and sit and have dinner with him. Step back.

3. Be objective thinking about your relationship--you know my analogy about the mailman or the bank teller? Yeah, use that! Would you be this upset if the mailman did that? Would you care if the bank teller said that? Would you expect XYZ from the mailman or bank teller? If not, then why do you expect it of him? Make him mean as much to you as the mailman. 

4. Figure out why you're still attached--the first step in moving away is to honestly tell yourself why you're still there! Why do you still feel dread and unhappiness? Does the mailman make you feel dread? Why do you feel nervous and edgy? Why does he drain your energy? And I don't mean: "... because he does XYZ..."! I mean why do you allow him to affect your emotions at all? Is he someone to you? 

5. Find someone who went through this successfully...and copy them! LOL No seriously, though, chances are good you know someone who navigated these waters in a way that you believe made them a better person, so learn from them. Do what they did. Talk to them about it, if they're willing. 

6. Remind yourself that the pain is short-term--we know it won't last forever, and yet we all try to avoid it. But literally remind yourself out loud that any pain or sadness you feel is temporary. Yep, it will take some time, but it is okay to just feel it and experience it...and then let it pass by like a wave. The tide comes in...and the tide eventually rolls out.

7. Set aside time to grieve the loss--"what loss?" you might say. Well I get it, that the marriage right now is a disaster and may not seem like you're losing all that much, but one huge thing you are losing is the image you had in your head of what you thought you had and the future you thought it would lead to. Even if you've realized and accepted the loss, sometimes you just need to set aside some time to feel it and "get it out." I used to call mine "Pity Parties" and I literally sent out invitations (haha) and asked people to bring pot luck (like Melancholy-flower salad) and play party games (like wallowing in the mud). I know...I'm crazy! The point is, though, that during my "Pity Party" I set aside time to grieve. 

8. NO CONTACT!--I mean it. Stop talking to him. I know you have him blocked, etc. but you don't have to come home and talk to him during the evening. Make your own dinner, go up to your room, pull a rocking chair in there, and watch TV or read a book behind your closed/locked door. 

9. Stay away from "the places you used to go"--look you were married, and every married couple has their favorite places or their favorite couple friends, etc. Just stay away from those things that stir this all up for you. If a particular place feels like it belonged to the two of you...if you can't "RECLAIM" it in some way as *YOUR* place, then don't go there. Instead, make some new places that really are YOUR places. For example, I LOVE community theater...my exH did not. While we were married, I don't think I went to a small town play once (much less participate in one). After the divorce, I went to a play by myself, liked it, started hanging out, and eventually did backgrounds and costumes and props for the community players. It was fun... and it was MY PLACE!

10. Friendship is not in the cards--just let that go. You won't be friends after this. You may not even be friendly. Best case scenario, you'll be civil and won't give a doodoo about each other. Again, think of the mailman or the bank teller.

11. Take off your happy glasses--it sounds to me like you aren't wearing Pollyanna glasses and lying to yourself, yet sometimes we keep just a little attachment because we slip into this mode of "remembering the good times." Shoot you wouldn't have married him if there weren't SOME good times! But there were really, Really, REALLY bad times too! So take off the happy glasses, and remind yourself of why you're doing this. Like the note I have for myself on my computer screen: "Remember who he is"

12. Remove the little things that remind you of him--you have your wedding photo still on the dresser? When people are married, their lives are entangled in a million little ways, and those million little ways actually remind you of each other. But trying to detach while those "million little ways" are still there is just impossible. I envision two trees that grew so close to each other that their branches entwined. You are in the process of unentangling the branches. Some are just going to unwind. Some are going to break. Some are going to need to be sawed off! But ALL of those little things that remind you of him are going to have to be removed, so get on it. Start removing them all, one-by-one.

13. Find a new focus--this one actually helped me the most. As I mentioned, I attended a women's support group and a divorce support group. From those two groups I met a LOT of people who had no one to spend holidays with, or who had crazy family, or who were lonely. So my new focus was to make my home a place where people could come and celebrate a holiday or be with people and not be so darn lonely! I also began to volunteer at the homeless shelter, because a) I saw QUICKLY how good I had it, and b) they needed the help! I worked passing out dinner to people, and my specific job was bringing drinks--and I did it kind of like a waitress, serving the homeless people. WELL, I can't tell you how they soaked it in to have someone treat them nice! And the more I got to know them, the more I realized they are people just like me, and they deserve basic human dignity same as me! So I had a new focus. I wasn't thinking of how bad I had it or how lonely I was (I was still lonely--just wasn't as focused on that feeling).


----------



## Elizabeth001

LisaDiane said:


> How do you guys deal with DETACHING...??
> 
> How do I keep my negative feelings about my STBX from affecting me in ways I don't want them to??? Am I only going to have control over my reactions when he is finally gone and out of my life completely??
> 
> Because that's just not going to work for me...he has to be around for another month at least, and I'm SO tired of feeling dread and unhappiness every time we are in the house together. He mostly ignores me, but he's still difficult to be around, because his moods are unpredictable and he plays silly emotional games that I have to ignore so I don't make things worse!
> 
> But I am as detached as I can possibly be, both physically and emotionally, and yet his presence is still able to make me nervous and uneasy, and drain my energy...and I HATE it!!
> 
> Is there any other way to protect myself from the emotional turmoil of being around him, while I wait for him to actually LEAVE??


I’m quoting this because after all of the aforementioned advice and if nothing else helps…

 & weed. 

Errr…perhaps that advice was a few months too late 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## TXTrini

Affaircare said:


> I have practical tips.
> 
> 1. Take action to heal yourself--start working out or do something you've always wanted to do but never did. If you need counseling or a support group, go! Do what you need to do to heal you. I took St. John's Wort, went to a women's support groupt and a divorce support group.
> 
> 2. Step back--don't always go home. Go out or go on a vacation without him or just go sit in the park. Just because you sleep there at night doesn't mean you have to go there after work and sit and have dinner with him. Step back.
> 
> 3. Be objective thinking about your relationship--you know my analogy about the mailman or the bank teller? Yeah, use that! Would you be this upset if the mailman did that? Would you care if the bank teller said that? Would you expect XYZ from the mailman or bank teller? If not, then why do you expect it of him? Make him mean as much to you as the mailman.
> 
> 4. Figure out why you're still attached--the first step in moving away is to honestly tell yourself why you're still there! Why do you still feel dread and unhappiness? Does the mailman make you feel dread? Why do you feel nervous and edgy? Why does he drain your energy? And I don't mean: "... because he does XYZ..."! I mean why do you allow him to affect your emotions at all? Is he someone to you?
> 
> 5. Find someone who went through this successfully...and copy them! LOL No seriously, though, chances are good you know someone who navigated these waters in a way that you believe made them a better person, so learn from them. Do what they did. Talk to them about it, if they're willing.
> 
> 6. Remind yourself that the pain is short-term--we know it won't last forever, and yet we all try to avoid it. But literally remind yourself out loud that any pain or sadness you feel is temporary. Yep, it will take some time, but it is okay to just feel it and experience it...and then let it pass by like a wave. The tide comes in...and the tide eventually rolls out.
> 
> 7. Set aside time to grieve the loss--"what loss?" you might say. Well I get it, that the marriage right now is a disaster and may not seem like you're losing all that much, but one huge thing you are losing is the image you had in your head of what you thought you had and the future you thought it would lead to. Even if you've realized and accepted the loss, sometimes you just need to set aside some time to feel it and "get it out." I used to call mine "Pity Parties" and I literally sent out invitations (haha) and asked people to bring pot luck (like Melancholy-flower salad) and play party games (like wallowing in the mud). I know...I'm crazy! The point is, though, that during my "Pity Party" I set aside time to grieve.
> 
> 8. NO CONTACT!--I mean it. Stop talking to him. I know you have him blocked, etc. but you don't have to come home and talk to him during the evening. Make your own dinner, go up to your room, pull a rocking chair in there, and watch TV or read a book behind your closed/locked door.
> 
> 9. Stay away from "the places you used to go"--look you were married, and every married couple has their favorite places or their favorite couple friends, etc. Just stay away from those things that stir this all up for you. If a particular place feels like it belonged to the two of you...if you can't "RECLAIM" it in some way as *YOUR* place, then don't go there. Instead, make some new places that really are YOUR places. For example, I LOVE community theater...my exH did not. While we were married, I don't think I went to a small town play once (much less participate in one). After the divorce, I went to a play by myself, liked it, started hanging out, and eventually did backgrounds and costumes and props for the community players. It was fun... and it was MY PLACE!
> 
> 10. Friendship is not in the cards--just let that go. You won't be friends after this. You may not even be friendly. Best case scenario, you'll be civil and won't give a doodoo about each other. Again, think of the mailman or the bank teller.
> 
> 11. Take off your happy glasses--it sounds to me like you aren't wearing Pollyanna glasses and lying to yourself, yet sometimes we keep just a little attachment because we slip into this mode of "remembering the good times." Shoot you wouldn't have married him if there weren't SOME good times! But there were really, Really, REALLY bad times too! So take off the happy glasses, and remind yourself of why you're doing this. Like the note I have for myself on my computer screen: "Remember who he is"
> 
> 12. Remove the little things that remind you of him--you have your wedding photo still on the dresser? When people are married, their lives are entangled in a million little ways, and those million little ways actually remind you of each other. But trying to detach while those "million little ways" are still there is just impossible. I envision two trees that grew so close to each other that their branches entwined. You are in the process of unentangling the branches. Some are just going to unwind. Some are going to break. Some are going to need to be sawed off! But ALL of those little things that remind you of him are going to have to be removed, so get on it. Start removing them all, one-by-one.
> 
> 13. Find a new focus--this one actually helped me the most. As I mentioned, I attended a women's support group and a divorce support group. From those two groups I met a LOT of people who had no one to spend holidays with, or who had crazy family, or who were lonely. So my new focus was to make my home a place where people could come and celebrate a holiday or be with people and not be so darn lonely! I also began to volunteer at the homeless shelter, because a) I saw QUICKLY how good I had it, and b) they needed the help! I worked passing out dinner to people, and my specific job was bringing drinks--and I did it kind of like a waitress, serving the homeless people. WELL, I can't tell you how they soaked it in to have someone treat them nice! And the more I got to know them, the more I realized they are people just like me, and they deserve basic human dignity same as me! So I had a new focus. I wasn't thinking of how bad I had it or how lonely I was (I was still lonely--just wasn't as focused on that feeling).


Wow AC, you always bring it home. 

I'm not where LisaDiane is right now, but some things still apply. LD, I want to echo AC's No. 13 find a new focus. I think that's what helped me the most. I went back to school when I decided that was it, as I succeed, it's both rebuilt my confidence and given me something else to occupy my time and kept me too busy to wallow too often or think about the good times. 

I don't know what your job is, but there are a lot of free courses on all kinds of topics on www.coursera.org and free certifications everywhere if you need a project. Money might be a huge factor atm, so I won't suggest anything expensive, but if you can swing a visit by friends or family, that might be something to consider too, start rebuilding the relationships that suffered.


----------



## jlg07

LisaDiane said:


> I think this is what I'm going to have to do...he's just so erratic and unpredictable now, I'm never sure when he is planning on being here. And I think that's part of the problem - there is NO stability, and nothing to count on.


DON'T count on him -- you KNOW you can't anyway, so stop disappointing yourself. Live as if he does NOT live there and try NOT to listen to him when he tries to gaslight you. When he says stuff that's BS, just laugh and walk away.
Him being erratic is HIS problem not yours (I am sure that you have it so ingrained as a great wife to help him, and that's probably part of the anxiety you are feeling -- you are probably, to some extent, in that "habit" -- you will get there and break that habit with him...)


----------



## LisaDiane

Elizabeth001 said:


> I’m quoting this because after all of the aforementioned advice and if nothing else helps…
> 
> & weed.
> 
> Errr…perhaps that advice was a few months too late
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Lolol!!! AWESOME!!!!!!


----------



## LisaDiane

Affaircare said:


> I have practical tips.
> 
> 1. Take action to heal yourself--start working out or do something you've always wanted to do but never did. If you need counseling or a support group, go! Do what you need to do to heal you. I took St. John's Wort, went to a women's support groupt and a divorce support group.
> 
> 2. Step back--don't always go home. Go out or go on a vacation without him or just go sit in the park. Just because you sleep there at night doesn't mean you have to go there after work and sit and have dinner with him. Step back.
> 
> 3. Be objective thinking about your relationship--you know my analogy about the mailman or the bank teller? Yeah, use that! Would you be this upset if the mailman did that? Would you care if the bank teller said that? Would you expect XYZ from the mailman or bank teller? If not, then why do you expect it of him? Make him mean as much to you as the mailman.
> 
> 4. Figure out why you're still attached--the first step in moving away is to honestly tell yourself why you're still there! Why do you still feel dread and unhappiness? Does the mailman make you feel dread? Why do you feel nervous and edgy? Why does he drain your energy? And I don't mean: "... because he does XYZ..."! I mean why do you allow him to affect your emotions at all? Is he someone to you?
> 
> 5. Find someone who went through this successfully...and copy them! LOL No seriously, though, chances are good you know someone who navigated these waters in a way that you believe made them a better person, so learn from them. Do what they did. Talk to them about it, if they're willing.
> 
> 6. Remind yourself that the pain is short-term--we know it won't last forever, and yet we all try to avoid it. But literally remind yourself out loud that any pain or sadness you feel is temporary. Yep, it will take some time, but it is okay to just feel it and experience it...and then let it pass by like a wave. The tide comes in...and the tide eventually rolls out.
> 
> 7. Set aside time to grieve the loss--"what loss?" you might say. Well I get it, that the marriage right now is a disaster and may not seem like you're losing all that much, but one huge thing you are losing is the image you had in your head of what you thought you had and the future you thought it would lead to. Even if you've realized and accepted the loss, sometimes you just need to set aside some time to feel it and "get it out." I used to call mine "Pity Parties" and I literally sent out invitations (haha) and asked people to bring pot luck (like Melancholy-flower salad) and play party games (like wallowing in the mud). I know...I'm crazy! The point is, though, that during my "Pity Party" I set aside time to grieve.
> 
> 8. NO CONTACT!--I mean it. Stop talking to him. I know you have him blocked, etc. but you don't have to come home and talk to him during the evening. Make your own dinner, go up to your room, pull a rocking chair in there, and watch TV or read a book behind your closed/locked door.
> 
> 9. Stay away from "the places you used to go"--look you were married, and every married couple has their favorite places or their favorite couple friends, etc. Just stay away from those things that stir this all up for you. If a particular place feels like it belonged to the two of you...if you can't "RECLAIM" it in some way as *YOUR* place, then don't go there. Instead, make some new places that really are YOUR places. For example, I LOVE community theater...my exH did not. While we were married, I don't think I went to a small town play once (much less participate in one). After the divorce, I went to a play by myself, liked it, started hanging out, and eventually did backgrounds and costumes and props for the community players. It was fun... and it was MY PLACE!
> 
> 10. Friendship is not in the cards--just let that go. You won't be friends after this. You may not even be friendly. Best case scenario, you'll be civil and won't give a doodoo about each other. Again, think of the mailman or the bank teller.
> 
> 11. Take off your happy glasses--it sounds to me like you aren't wearing Pollyanna glasses and lying to yourself, yet sometimes we keep just a little attachment because we slip into this mode of "remembering the good times." Shoot you wouldn't have married him if there weren't SOME good times! But there were really, Really, REALLY bad times too! So take off the happy glasses, and remind yourself of why you're doing this. Like the note I have for myself on my computer screen: "Remember who he is"
> 
> 12. Remove the little things that remind you of him--you have your wedding photo still on the dresser? When people are married, their lives are entangled in a million little ways, and those million little ways actually remind you of each other. But trying to detach while those "million little ways" are still there is just impossible. I envision two trees that grew so close to each other that their branches entwined. You are in the process of unentangling the branches. Some are just going to unwind. Some are going to break. Some are going to need to be sawed off! But ALL of those little things that remind you of him are going to have to be removed, so get on it. Start removing them all, one-by-one.
> 
> 13. Find a new focus--this one actually helped me the most. As I mentioned, I attended a women's support group and a divorce support group. From those two groups I met a LOT of people who had no one to spend holidays with, or who had crazy family, or who were lonely. So my new focus was to make my home a place where people could come and celebrate a holiday or be with people and not be so darn lonely! I also began to volunteer at the homeless shelter, because a) I saw QUICKLY how good I had it, and b) they needed the help! I worked passing out dinner to people, and my specific job was bringing drinks--and I did it kind of like a waitress, serving the homeless people. WELL, I can't tell you how they soaked it in to have someone treat them nice! And the more I got to know them, the more I realized they are people just like me, and they deserve basic human dignity same as me! So I had a new focus. I wasn't thinking of how bad I had it or how lonely I was (I was still lonely--just wasn't as focused on that feeling).


This is WONDERFUL advice!!!! It should be a sticky on here somewhere for everyone to see!!! I printed it off to read anytime I'm anxious about him so I have choices of what to do!
Thank you so much!!! 🧡


----------



## LisaDiane

jlg07 said:


> DON'T count on him -- you KNOW you can't anyway, so stop disappointing yourself. Live as if he does NOT live there and try NOT to listen to him when he tries to gaslight you. When he says stuff that's BS, just laugh and walk away.
> Him being erratic is HIS problem not yours (I am sure that you have it so ingrained as a great wife to help him, and that's probably part of the anxiety you are feeling -- you are probably, to some extent, in that "habit" -- you will get there and break that habit with him...)


Thank you...this is the PERFECT thing to say!!!!


----------



## jlg07

LisaDiane said:


> Thank you...this is the PERFECT thing to say!!!!


LisaDiane, I just have to say this -- your personality really comes through on these pages. You are going to be fine....

Once you are ready (and take your time), someone will snap you up in NO time!

ETA: Sorry, I just realized the "someone will snap you up" sounds a bit, ummm, Neaderthal-ish (sorry just a turn of phrase!).


----------



## TXTrini

jlg07 said:


> LisaDiane, I just have to say this -- your personality really comes through on these pages. You are going to be fine....
> 
> Once you are ready (and take your time), someone will snap you up in NO time!
> 
> ETA: Sorry, I just realized the "someone will snap you up" sounds a bit, ummm, Neaderthal-ish (sorry just a turn of phrase!).


But we wommenz love Neanderthal behavior in certain parts of our lives


----------



## jlg07

TXTrini said:


> But we wommenz love Neanderthal behavior in certain parts of our lives


I certainly agree on that , but you know how things go here sometimes. It's often hard to get the correct context the poster meant, so, just didn't want any bad feelings there.


----------



## LisaDiane

jlg07 said:


> LisaDiane, I just have to say this -- your personality really comes through on these pages. You are going to be fine....
> 
> Once you are ready (and take your time), someone will snap you up in NO time!
> 
> ETA: Sorry, I just realized the "someone will snap you up" sounds a bit, ummm, Neaderthal-ish (sorry just a turn of phrase!).


I could NEVER have bad feelings from your posts!! Maybe if you had said, some great guy would come along, club me over the head and drag me back to his cave by the hair, I might have gotten a bit of a "Neanderthal" vibe, but what you said was very kind and encouraging to me! Thank you!!! 

We must also take into account that my adorable personality may not be for everyone - it comes with messy hair and bare feet...and some very unsophisticated giggling...Lol!!!


----------



## RandomDude

Please... help...



https://www.talkaboutmarriage.com/threads/lost-my-soulmate.445412/#post-20367453


----------



## Hiner112

So I feel like bragging a bit and acknowledge that I officially have my hands full. 

Last Friday I had an overnight at her house. We'd been in bed for a while and I thought we were just cuddling before going to sleep. She started grinning and getting frisky again. I was a bit surprised and asked if she wanted more. She told me that since I was _just a man_ I wasn't physically capable of having as much sex as she was.

We should have another longer opportunity this weekend. I might need your thoughts and prayers, lol.

Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk


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## jlg07

Hiner, time to get a few Red bulls and blue pills! 
Sounds like you are on a great adventure with this one (and good for you!)


----------



## RandomDude

Single again! And moved on... so happy... then bam lockdown! 😑

Fk me dead... oh well, it won't last forever. Still 36 and gonna rock and roll!


----------



## RandomDude

Holy cow, online apps are booming during lockdown lol! Quite alot of matches but nowhere near ready yet, just wanted to see what's out there. 

Ok going back to my hidey hole. Ego boost done.


----------



## johndoe12299

RandomDude said:


> Holy cow, online apps are booming during lockdown lol! Quite alot of matches but nowhere near ready yet, just wanted to see what's out there.
> 
> Ok going back to my hidey hole. Ego boost done.


lol. have you tried talking to any? I've gotten about 5 matches this week and always initiate a convo relative to something on their profile. All responses have been the same. They simply answer the question/comment and don't say anything back. Not a single one has asked me anything about myself. Is that how this works now?


----------



## RandomDude

johndoe12299 said:


> lol. have you tried talking to any? I've gotten about 5 matches this week and always initiate a convo relative to something on their profile. All responses have been the same. They simply answer the question/comment and don't say anything back. Not a single one has asked me anything about myself. Is that how this works now?


Lol no idea, I've been too shy. Also no where near ready to talk to someone else after just 7 days single lol.
I got about 14 matches from OKC and 30 from POF since yesterday. Maybe I'm new they put me in the spotlight or something, watch it dwindle.

Just wanted to see what's out there for now.


----------



## johndoe12299

i'm in the same boat. Just on there to see what's out there. Tinder is rough. Hinge is pretty decent, but the convos are just so, so bland. When i'm ready to date i think i will keep the small talk to aminimum and just ask them to lunch right off the bat


----------



## Lila

FWB is now boyfriend. If you ask him he would say we have been dating since April. Meanwhile I refused to acknowledge our relationship as anything more than fun (even though by everyone's definition we are and have been a couple) because this isn't our first dating rodeo. It's the longest we've gone without a big fight causing us to go our separate ways....for a few months.... before rebounding back together. He's got a lot of great qualities that I love, and bonus - he's incredibly attractive - but we do have significant differences in core beliefs that have caused issues in the past. I'm hoping that "making it official" won't ruin what we have. In the meantime I'm going to keep doing what I've been doing - enjoy the good times and not let myself go down the what if rabbit hole.


----------



## RandomDude

johndoe12299 said:


> i'm in the same boat. Just on there to see what's out there. Tinder is rough. Hinge is pretty decent, but the convos are just so, so bland. When i'm ready to date i think i will keep the small talk to aminimum and just ask them to lunch right off the bat


When I'm ready to date, and lockdown is over, I'm just going out there and proposing them face to face lol

Tinder I ended up swiping left so fast I always accidentally swipe left to the ones I like.


----------



## RandomDude

Lila said:


> FWB is now boyfriend. If you ask him he would say we have been dating since April. Meanwhile I refused to acknowledge our relationship as anything more than fun (even though by everyone's definition we are and have been a couple) because this isn't our first dating rodeo. It's the longest we've gone without a big fight causing us to go our separate ways....for a few months.... before rebounding back together. He's got a lot of great qualities that I love, and bonus - he's incredibly attractive - but we do have significant differences in core beliefs that have caused issues in the past. I'm hoping that "making it official" won't ruin what we have. In the meantime I'm going to keep doing what I've been doing - enjoy the good times and not let myself go down the what if rabbit hole.


I just got out of a 4 year relationship and I have to say if I had a choice to go through all of it again including the heartbreak or not I say I would, again and again.

And who knows what may develop 
Just enjoy it, this is what adds color to life.


----------



## Lila

RandomDude said:


> I just got out of a 4 year relationship and I have to say if I had a choice to go through all of it again including the heartbreak or not I say I would, again and again.
> 
> And who knows what may develop
> Just enjoy it, this is what adds color to life.


I'm sorry to hear about your relationship ending RD. It's not what you expected I'm sure. 

I think having gratitude for all of the good in my life helps me keep from going down the "why even do this if it's not going to work out" road. I am enjoying all of the color that BF adds to my life and avoiding the fear of potentially losing him in the future.


----------



## RandomDude

Lila said:


> I'm sorry to hear about your relationship ending RD. It's not what you expected I'm sure.
> 
> I think having gratitude for all of the good in my life helps me keep from going down the "why even do this if it's not going to work out" road. I am enjoying all of the color that BF adds to my life and avoiding the fear of potentially losing him in the future.


Hahaha looking back think we all kinda would have guessed I was in for a hell of a ride  

We never really know the what ifs, we can only give it our best shot and have no regrets


----------



## m.t.t

johndoe12299 said:


> i'm in the same boat. Just on there to see what's out there. Tinder is rough. Hinge is pretty decent, but the convos are just so, so bland. When i'm ready to date i think i will keep the small talk to aminimum and just ask them to lunch right off the bat


most people don't know the art of good banter. Wait until you find someone that match you in conversation with before you ask them for lunch. Otherwise I'm seeing lots of painful lunches. Or better yet get them to facetime with you first, seeing and hearing someone is a much better indicator.


----------



## m.t.t

RandomDude said:


> When I'm ready to date, and lockdown is over, I'm just going out there and proposing them face to face lol
> 
> Tinder I ended up swiping left so fast I always accidentally swipe left to the ones I like.


sadly I'm thinking we will be lucky to get out before christmas.


----------



## johndoe12299

RandomDude said:


> When I'm ready to date, and lockdown is over, I'm just going out there and proposing them face to face lol
> 
> Tinder I ended up swiping left so fast I always accidentally swipe left to the ones I like.


lol same!


----------



## RandomDude

m.t.t said:


> sadly I'm thinking we will be lucky to get out before christmas.


Well I sure as hell don't want to celebrating my damn birthday by myself! Bah!  

Xmas baby!



johndoe12299 said:


> lol same!


Dont you wish there's a backtrack swipe function?


----------



## johndoe12299

RandomDude said:


> Well I sure as hell don't want to celebrating my damn birthday by myself! Bah!
> 
> Xmas baby!
> 
> 
> 
> Dont you wish there's a backtrack swipe function?


there is, but you have to be a paying member


----------



## RandomDude

johndoe12299 said:


> there is, but you have to be a paying member


There IS? 

Hmmmm.....


----------



## johndoe12299

Tinder "gold" membership...it's the yellow button on the app next to the x and heart


----------



## RandomDude

johndoe12299 said:


> Tinder "gold" membership...it's the yellow button on the app next to the x and heart


Have you tried it? It's quite tempting now considering the sheer amount I missed back in the day.


----------



## johndoe12299

nah. not paying for anything. i'm just browsing right now


----------



## RandomDude

johndoe12299 said:


> nah. not paying for anything. i'm just browsing right now


It does get frustrating eh? But like FK we only really need *ONE*


----------



## RandomDude

johndoe12299 said:


> i'm in the same boat. Just on there to see what's out there. Tinder is rough. Hinge is pretty decent, but the convos are just so, so bland. When i'm ready to date i think i will keep the small talk to aminimum and just ask them to lunch right off the bat


Decided to dabble and dip my toe abit more, and you're right... so bland. I don't even bother continuing the conversation.

Just told one I'm not looking for anything right now just friends and she replied friends for fun? Errr no... funny, I don't know if I can go back to FWBs. Maybe I'm just not ready.

EDIT: Another one and she has a husband?! Errrr no... * block * WTF 🤦‍♂️ 
Just wow! WTF


----------



## m.t.t

RandomDude said:


> Decided to dabble and dip my toe abit more, and you're right... so bland. I don't even bother continuing the conversation.
> 
> Just told one I'm not looking for anything right now just friends and she replied friends for fun? Errr no... funny, I don't know if I can go back to FWBs. Maybe I'm just not ready.
> 
> EDIT: Another one and she has a husband?! Errrr no... * block * WTF 🤦‍♂️
> Just wow! WTF


your on the wrong app... also if you want to make some good connections with good people you need to put some honest/ clear words in your bio of what you are after.


----------



## RandomDude

m.t.t said:


> your on the wrong app... also if you want to make some good connections with good people you need to put some honest/ clear words in your bio of what you are after.


Heh yeah well not even so sure what I'm after right now, like day 8. Just trying out different apps to see what's out there.

You know a part of me was worried like, my ex was a gorgeous 18-22 yr old, how am I supposed to trade up, yet I see quite a few stunners 30-40+ and likely far more compatible. It's some hope at least, even I'm just dabbling right now, not ready for anything.


----------



## m.t.t

RandomDude said:


> Heh yeah well not even so sure what I'm after right now, like day 8. Just trying out different apps to see what's out there.
> 
> You know a part of me was worried like, my ex was a gorgeous 18-22 yr old, how am I supposed to trade up, yet I see quite a few stunners 30-40+ and likely far more compatible. It's some hope at least, even I'm just dabbling right now, not ready for anything.


how old are you? I think going out with an actual women instead of a child is actually trading up. One of my children is 21 so I know that age well.

If you want to dabble you need to be clear and just say just looking for new friends only. That's what I meant. When you are serious and looking you would hate to have people dabbling and wasting your time.


----------



## RandomDude

m.t.t said:


> how old are you? I think going out with an actual women instead of a child is actually trading up. One of my children is 21 so I know that age well.
> 
> If you want to dabble you need to be clear and just say just looking for new friends only. That's what I meant. When you are serious and looking you would hate to have people dabbling and wasting your time.


I'm now 35 turning 36. I know I know WTF right, there's several threads about the WTF lol, check private section.
To her credit, no, my ex was not a child, she was a woman and a respectable one at that. She taught me alot and in the end she made a mature decision for both of us. She lacked life experience sure but she was very mature. None of my exs, my ex-GFs / FWBs before her, or even ex-wife, were bad women. *ALL* have been respectable and quality women, each played a part in my life who I wish the very best.

But yeah, I'm having an age cut off next time, 28+/late twenties is my limit. By that time they should know grow out of any unrealistic expectations and know what they want.

As for dabbling, true. Maybe I should just give it a break now that I know what's out there.


----------



## Enigma32

RandomDude said:


> Heh yeah well not even so sure what I'm after right now, like day 8. Just trying out different apps to see what's out there.
> 
> You know a part of me was worried like, my ex was a gorgeous 18-22 yr old, how am I supposed to trade up, yet I see quite a few stunners 30-40+ and likely far more compatible. It's some hope at least, even I'm just dabbling right now, not ready for anything.


Find someone else comparable to her then, if you can. If you meet women 40 years old and you think you'd rather be with your ex, then don't date the 40 year olds. Some people are going to insult you but you are entitled to your preferences as long as they are legal.


----------



## johndoe12299

m.t.t said:


> your on the wrong app... also if you want to make some good connections with good people you need to put some honest/ clear words in your bio of what you are after.


what's the "correct" app?

Anyone try Match? Seems a little more legit than tinder/hinge/bumble etc


----------



## RandomDude

Enigma32 said:


> Find someone else comparable to her then, if you can. If you meet women 40 years old and you think you'd rather be with your ex, then don't date the 40 year olds. Some people are going to insult you but you are entitled to your preferences as long as they are legal.


Yeah, think I prefer to be alone for now. Really not ready for anything either than just looking. The dabbling kinda disgusted me abit.


----------



## RandomDude

johndoe12299 said:


> what's the "correct" app?
> 
> Anyone try Match? Seems a little more legit than tinder/hinge/bumble etc


I tried it in the past, thought of it as a scam but some people find success so who knows.


----------



## m.t.t

johndoe12299 said:


> what's the "correct" app?
> 
> Anyone try Match? Seems a little more legit than tinder/hinge/bumble etc


Apps are very different depending on what area you live in. Even Melbourne and Sydney the same apps attract different types. So the answer is there is no right app in general you work out which app is best for you in your area and what type of people you are looking for. 

One thing that a few of my single friends agree on even those friends that I have met on these apps. They are not the same spaces as they were 3-4 years ago.


----------



## Hiner112

So I just got back from my weekend. It was both humbling and prideful.

It had not been my experience that women would want to have as much sex as men even if they were able. The muscles that stop urine flow are _sore_. I'm in pretty decent shape. I'm probably going to run 10 miles tomorrow. At one point I started to get leg cramps  . I _thought_ I was hydrated enough.

She's now had as many orgasms with me as with all of her previous relationships combined which is a source of pride. That it took 45 minutes to an hour and didn't happen _every time_ was a humbling experience.

Funny event. I got there at 12:45 and put some cold items in the fridge. She leads me upstairs. _time passes_ I mention that I'm getting thirsty and would probably like to get lunch finally. _looks at clock_ 5:15 Supper then. 

Some here have discussed the age they're looking for in a date / mate. She's two months older than me and just turned 44.

Edit: We've both been single for a couple years now so some of this might be working it out of our system. It is also possible that we've only just now found someone compatible finally.


----------



## jlg07

Great new Hiner -- I'm glad that things went so well! Enjoy this time with her (and it sounds like you are!!!)

ETA: Maybe take some potassium for those leg cramps!!!!


----------



## TXTrini

Hiner112 said:


> So I just got back from my weekend. It was both humbling and prideful.
> 
> It had not been my experience that women would want to have as much sex as men even if they were able. The muscles that stop urine flow are _sore_. I'm in pretty decent shape. I'm probably going to run 10 miles tomorrow. At one point I started to get leg cramps  . I _thought_ I was hydrated enough.
> 
> She's now had as many orgasms with me as with all of her previous relationships combined which is a source of pride. That it took 45 minutes to an hour and didn't happen _every time_ was a humbling experience.
> 
> Funny event. I got there at 12:45 and put some cold items in the fridge. She leads me upstairs. _time passes_ I mention that I'm getting thirsty and would probably like to get lunch finally. _looks at clock_ 5:15 Supper then.
> 
> Some here have discussed the age they're looking for in a date / mate. She's two months older than me and just turned 44.
> 
> Edit: We've both been single for a couple years now so some of this might be working it out of our system. It is also possible that we've only just now found someone compatible finally.


Don't count on her slowing down anytime soon 😆


----------



## Hiner112

There were two more things from the visit worth sharing.

I was there 2 hours shy of two days. We remembered to eat 3 of the meals during that time.  

Second one is sort of a positive from a communication and closeness perspective but not necessarily good overall. I asked something like "You haven't said much positive about your husband, so why did you marry him?" Her response was a long description of what led up to the proposal by email and how she felt at the ceremony (IE he's flawed but I think I can accept those flaws as long as he respects me and has my back). Then came the inevitable "BUT" for what I would consider a short marriage (6 years). After describing lack of respect and loyalty, she described an event that ended "he was just using my body, it hurt, and he didn't stop".  That experience obviously didn't stop her from pursuing a physical relationship with me but its given me something to think about.


----------



## RandomDude

Can someone help? What do I say? I'm getting so many matches my phone is exploding but whenever I try to talk to them I'm stumped by what to say I end up saying like:
"Hi! I'm an idiot, I read one random line from your profile and now I'm going to ask you the most boring question about it!" (I'm exaggerating of course)

Out of 20 matches I think I got 10 replies, 3 seem to be ongoing conversations. Any hints on this?

Recent beauty messaged me first before I could throw my BS line and asks if she can get to know me. You can imagine how that threw me off like errr WTF now?
I swear I'm going to burn all my OLD bridges by the time the lockdown is over because I have like no idea what to do anymore.

F me dead I wonder if there's just a bunch of scammers now...
EDIT: This is too much man 
EDIT2: Screw it, I'm going to just muck around, I asked one if she is an international spy, and another if she can do a spinning bird kick. 🤦‍♂️
Because, you know, I'm an idiot like that. F it!
EDIT3: What's with the photos with 2 people in it? I just texted "so who's your friend?"  Ah... satisfaction.


----------



## LisaDiane

RandomDude said:


> Can someone help? What do I say? I'm getting so many matches my phone is exploding but whenever I try to talk to them I'm stumped by what to say I end up saying like:
> "Hi! I'm an idiot, I read one random line from your profile and now I'm going to ask you the most boring question about it!" (I'm exaggerating of course)
> 
> Out of 20 matches I think I got 10 replies, 3 seem to be ongoing conversations. Any hints on this?
> 
> Recent beauty messaged me first before I could throw my BS line and asks if she can get to know me. You can imagine how that threw me off like errr WTF now?
> I swear I'm going to burn all my OLD bridges by the time the lockdown is over because I have like no idea what to do anymore.
> 
> F me dead I wonder if there's just a bunch of scammers now...
> EDIT: This is too much man
> EDIT2: Screw it, I'm going to just muck around, I asked one if she is an international spy, and another if she can do a spinning bird kick. 🤦‍♂️
> Because, you know, I'm an idiot like that. F it!
> EDIT3: What's with the photos with 2 people in it? I just texted "so who's your friend?"  Ah... satisfaction.


I think it's a huge mistake to be out looking for women right now...isn't this just complicating your healing from the loss of your relationship? You don't sound at peace, you don't sound happy, you don't sound like you are moving forward...
Are you sure you should be devoting so much emotional energy and time to this?

I mean, maybe I'm wrong and you are doing fine, but what if it's too soon for you?


----------



## RandomDude

LisaDiane said:


> I think it's a huge mistake to be out looking for women right now...isn't this just complicating your healing from the loss of your relationship? You don't sound at peace, you don't sound happy, you don't sound like you are moving forward...
> Are you sure you should be devoting so much emotional energy and time to this?
> 
> I mean, maybe I'm wrong and you are doing fine, but what if it's too soon for you?


Day 5 of my breakup was when my ex killed off whatever was left that I had for her, reminding me why I was how I was in our final days. It's now day 12.

It's definitely too soon to open my heart yes, for me it's part of finding myself again. I've closed off completely to strangers for 4 years. I neglected friends and family, and even after reaching out hell they have their own lives to live too. So I'm branching out. Can't date any of these women anyway until mid next month - lockdown, having a few ready to take out by then if I'm able doesn't hurt. I need to reclaim a few spots as well ex and I frequented and replace them with new memories.

Not to mention it's motivating when I have hope instead of despair if I would ever find a connection again. I'm getting out of bed, keeping busy, eating well again, even if just friends, like one I'm quite fond of as just a friend already. Sure beats sitting on my hands during lockdown and rearranging furniture a few more times feeling sorry for myself 

So yeah, it's helping, just chatting and later casual dating. I just still don't have a freakin clue what to say lol right now just firing away and see how many are interested beyond my silly first messages xD


----------



## Elizabeth001

LisaDiane said:


> I think it's a huge mistake to be out looking for women right now...isn't this just complicating your healing from the loss of your relationship? You don't sound at peace, you don't sound happy, you don't sound like you are moving forward...
> Are you sure you should be devoting so much emotional energy and time to this?
> 
> I mean, maybe I'm wrong and you are doing fine, but what if it's too soon for you?


Times 2 and there’s no maybe about it. What you’re doing is not helpful to your healing process and down right mean and disrespectful of any potential new match.

Said with love. 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## RandomDude

Elizabeth001 said:


> Times 2 and there’s no maybe about it. What you’re doing is not helpful to your healing process and down right mean and disrespectful of any potential new match.
> Said with love.


Yeah well I was only dabbling at first... didn't really expect this kind of response. Guess I've opened pandora's box too soon just have to live with it now lol
I've been honest with my intentions that I'm not looking for any hookup/relationship right now and the women are 28+, mature enough if they want to continue the conversation or not.


----------



## LisaDiane

RandomDude said:


> Day 5 of my breakup was when my ex killed off whatever was left that I had for her, reminding me why I was how I was in our final days. It's now day 12.
> 
> It's definitely too soon to open my heart yes, for me it's part of finding myself again. I've closed off completely to strangers for 4 years. I neglected friends and family, and even after reaching out hell they have their own lives to live too. So I'm branching out. Can't date any of these women anyway until mid next month - lockdown, having a few ready to take out by then if I'm able doesn't hurt. I need to reclaim a few spots as well ex and I frequented and replace them with new memories.
> 
> Not to mention it's motivating when I have hope instead of despair if I would ever find a connection again. I'm getting out of bed, keeping busy, eating well again, even if just friends, like one I'm quite fond of as just a friend already. Sure beats sitting on my hands during lockdown and rearranging furniture a few more times feeling sorry for myself
> 
> So yeah, it's helping, just chatting and later casual dating. I just still don't have a freakin clue what to say lol right now just firing away and see how many are interested beyond my silly first messages xD


I understand what you are telling yourself you are doing, and why it's ok for you...but I want to tell you what I see from far outside of everything...

Your ex DID NOT kill off any of your feelings on Day 5...you were never explicit about what she said, but I believe it hurt you and caused you to wall up those feelings so you could pretend that they didn't exist anymore. Nothing is killed off. You are still exactly in the same spot you were 12 days ago.

It seems like you are using the chatting and connecting as a way to deflect your feelings and shut down again. You say it's "motivating", but to what end? Of course you are going to find a connection again! You shouldn't need to prove that to yourself, especially not before the first week of your breakup...so I believe the motivation is for a different purpose than what you think it's for, and there is a deeper need that might need to be faced and given a voice to.

What have you done towards your healing? Who have you talked to about your pain? What goals have you made for yourself emotionally? If you need to connect with people again, could you connect with a grief and loss group, like for divorce?? 
You would at least have people there who understood what you are going through, and would hold you accountable to the goals YOU said you had when you first broke up...they would also challenge you and make it harder for you to hide from the pain and discomfort that you are trying to escape. 

That is important!! You are not healing or learning from the issues you said contributed to the end your relationship - it was not all her...you had a part in the problems, and it looks like you declared on Day 5 that you knew exactly what it was, you were healed and over it, and you were moving on.

But that's NOT how our hearts and minds process and heal from grief and LOSS. What you are doing might appear to you to be moving on, but you are really only on a hamster wheel...and without facing your emotions, and coping with your pain, you will never get off of it.


----------



## RandomDude

LisaDiane said:


> I understand what you are telling yourself you are doing, and why it's ok for you...but I want to tell you what I see from far outside of everything...
> 
> Your ex DID NOT kill off any of your feelings on Day 5...you were never explicit about what she said, but I believe it hurt you and caused you to wall up those feelings so you could pretend that they didn't exist anymore. Nothing is killed off. You are still exactly in the same spot you were 12 days ago.
> 
> It seems like you are using the chatting and connecting as a way to deflect your feelings and shut down again. You say it's "motivating", but to what end? Of course you are going to find a connection again! You shouldn't need to prove that to yourself, especially not before the first week of your breakup...so I believe the motivation is for a different purpose than what you think it's for, and there is a deeper need that might need to be faced and given a voice to.
> 
> What have you done towards your healing? Who have you talked to about your pain? What goals have you made for yourself emotionally? If you need to connect with people again, could you connect with a grief and loss group, like for divorce??
> You would at least have people there who understood what you are going through, and would hold you accountable to the goals YOU said you had when you first broke up...they would also challenge you and make it harder for you to hide from the pain and discomfort that you are trying to escape.
> 
> That is important!! You are not healing or learning from the issues you said contributed to the end your relationship - it was not all her...you had a part in the problems, and it looks like you declared on Day 5 that you knew exactly what it was, you were healed and over it, and you were moving on.
> 
> But that's NOT how our hearts and minds process and heal from grief and LOSS. What you are doing might appear to you to be moving on, but you are really only on a hamster wheel...and without facing your emotions, and coping with your pain, you will never get off of it.


Never said I wasn't still hurt or stopped mourning. I boxed and saved everything we had and put them in a safe place, mourned what we had but what else is there to do once the tears have run dry and I acknowledged it was for the best?

I did analyse my mistakes, what I could do in the future instead of them, but if I keep dwelling on them as I have done up to recently all I have is regret instead of acknowledging that I did what I did at that time, that I made mistakes and its time to stop kicking myself for it.

You're right I'm no where near ready for anything with these women, it's only dabbling and my counsellor approves so 🤷‍♂️ and yes I do need to convince myself of hope, remember I was here 4 years ago and I already gave up in falling in love before I met my ex and finally understood what all the lovey dovey's actually were.

4 years ago I became content with being alone in my heart, I just accepted it because I thought I was incapable of love after so many exs. I don't know how I'm supposed to be that person again, I can't. I need to find a new me, content with myself but I can't accept the despair that ruled me all those years ago. I need to hold onto some hope.

EDIT: As for what ex said, it wasn't hurtful or anything, she just gave me the closure I needed and reminder that our issues played in my mind as well as hers leading to all of it. It wasn't new, I only really just accepted it on day 5.


----------



## RandomDude

And hell it wasn't supposed to be like this anyway, fine I got a bit carried away just trying to see what's out there.

But the sheer volume of opportunities is staggering I do not understand if it's because I became less picky or if filter tech is just super nowadays or if it's because of lockdown or if I put up a good pic that seems to generating more matches per swipe than I ever had in my life.

And then I get a match and I have no idea what to do 🤷‍♂️ except fire a few throwaway lines and probably gonna burn them all lol but still managed to make a friend through it all who also knows I'm day 13 now from breaking up from a 4 yr relationship.


----------



## LisaDiane

RandomDude said:


> Never said I wasn't still hurt or stopped mourning. I boxed and saved everything we had and put them in a safe place, mourned what we had but what else is there to do once the tears have run dry and I acknowledged it was for the best?
> 
> I did analyse my mistakes, what I could do in the future instead of them, but if I keep dwelling on them as I have done up to recently all I have is regret instead of acknowledging that I did what I did at that time, that I made mistakes and its time to stop kicking myself for it.
> 
> You're right I'm no where near ready for anything with these women, it's only dabbling and my counsellor approves so 🤷‍♂️ and yes I do need to convince myself of hope, remember I was here 4 years ago and I already gave up in falling in love before I met my ex and finally understood what all the lovey dovey's actually were.
> 
> 4 years ago I became content with being alone in my heart, I just accepted it because I thought I was incapable of love after so many exs. I don't know how I'm supposed to be that person again, I can't. I need to find a new me, content with myself but I can't accept the despair that ruled me all those years ago. I need to hold onto some hope.
> 
> EDIT: As for what ex said, it wasn't hurtful or anything, she just gave me the closure I needed and reminder that our issues played in my mind as well as hers leading to all of it. It wasn't new, I only really just accepted it on day 5.


Please don't misunderstand me!!! I am NOT criticizing you or your choices at all, nor am I saying I know what is right for you more than you do, or thinking that you should be doing this "MY" way. 

I am simply trying to point out things (from my distant perspective) that you might want to focus on to help yourself heal instead of avoiding dealing with your pain. Analyzing your mistakes isn't even what I mean, because you are right, it's never helpful to "dwell" on mistakes or regrets...I meant, LEARN from them. And exist with the feelings that you have, even when they are painful. 

I wouldn't even judge the way you related to her as a mistake - that's not fair to you. You were simply automatically reacting to her emotional intensity in a way that made her feel unloved, because you were uncomfortable. I think you also still have issues with being abandoned by your mother. Just because you made peace with her, and aren't angry at her anymore (if that's the case) doesn't mean that all the cracks in your heart are now filled...they aren't. You might have accepted what your mom did, but you haven't healed from it. 

And I think another important thing to remember is that there actually is NO "finish line" when it comes to emotional issues...it's all a PROCESS. 

We must learn to COPE with our feelings...and the more positively we are able to cope with them, the more joyful and content we are able to be. Working on healing and coping so that we can be authentic in relationships and honor ourselves (and our loved ones) is something that is a life-long effort, and worth that!

But right now, from your posts, it sounds like your coping strategies are avoidance and deflection, just like they have always been...and it sounds like coping in that way doesn't bring you the outcomes that make your life rewarding and happy for you.

I would suggest you need to focus on taking care of YOU - of the part of you that is wounded and needy - instead of seeing if you have any sexual market value right now. I don't think there is anything ethically wrong with putting yourself out there again - you aren't dishonest or a user, so that's not what I was sharing my concern with you for. It just sounds like you are trying to soothe your insecurity with a crutch, instead of giving yourself time to heal so you can join the dating world on two feet.


----------



## Blondilocks

@RandomDude ,I'll tell you one thing not to do: dissecting your last relationship with your date. Come up with a short answer as to why you are currently on the market. Don't badmouth any ex and don't act heartbroken. Your date doesn't want to be your new best friend, your mate or your therapist.


----------



## RandomDude

@LisaDiane

1) What I learnt first and foremost is that I have to make a choice each and everyday to love my partner.
2) I have to keep my mind open to growth and change and not be fixed to what is comfortable.
3) I have to confront the issues instead of sweeping them under the rug and find solutions that works for BOTH of us even if I have to assert it stronger.

I had to lose someone very dear to me to learn these lessons, numbers 1 and 2 is why she left. Number 3 is why we exhausted each other, and led to 1 and 2. We fought about the same issue for 2 years my solution was F it, let her nag. Her solution was "I hope he will change". Years later... boom! 🤦‍♂️

The hardening was merely a symptom of underlying incompatibilities. Also I learnt how useless it is, it's only ever temporary measures.

I'm still spending most of my time reading articles / watching self-help videos working on myself and talking to my counsellor. The popups on my phone just a side reminder of light at the end of the tunnel I guess. I do fall back into despair though, part of me still wishes I don't have to throw away those 4 years of my life with my best friend but I know for a fact there is no turning back now or in the future.

The whole thing is weird, one match even reminds me of her, her retardedness, another match loves food, and I find myself talking like my ex to her about food, in some ways I became her. It's weird really. I'm not so sure I even want to rejoin the dating pool at the end of all this, right now I'm trying to determine the road ahead and seeing what paths lie before me.

@Blondilocks

Don't worry, I won't. That's just not me.


----------



## uskahay

Elizabeth001 said:


> How about…do you have dental insurance and do you use it? Don’t you know on the first meetup if they have nice teeth or not?
> 
> Where does this sh!t stop? How about just spending some time with someone and getting to know all of this stuff organically? Why pound someone over the head with a million questions in the first 3 dates so you can hurry up and get laid by someone you deem acceptable? Like you’re interviewing a roofer at restonroof before the shingles get bought.
> 
> I’m stepping out for tonight. This is more than I can take.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Same.


----------



## RandomDude

Curious why so many FWBs these days, is 30s the "I'm done, give me FWBs only" age? I guess I was like that 4 years ago, but still. 
"I'll let you break my bed but not my heart" woookay  🤦‍♂️ Would have took her up for it 4 years ago.

Wonder if I'm going to end up back to how I was 4 years ago in the coming months or next year...


----------



## Enigma32

RandomDude said:


> Curious why so many FWBs these days, is 30s the "I'm done, give me FWBs only" age? I guess I was like that 4 years ago, but still.
> "I'll let you break my bed but not my heart" woookay  🤦‍♂️ Would have took her up for it 4 years ago.
> 
> Wonder if I'm going to end up back to how I was 4 years ago in the coming months or next year...


At that age, a lot of people are fresh out of marriages or had too many failed relationships so they want to sleep around. They usually get bored of it and try to settle down again though.


----------



## RandomDude

Enigma32 said:


> At that age, a lot of people are fresh out of marriages or had too many failed relationships so they want to sleep around. They usually get bored of it and try to settle down again though.


So I guess I stick to late 20s or late 30s/early 40s then 
Unless I decide I'm done as well, which may happen. I think I have too much baggage now too lol


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## Enigma32

RandomDude said:


> So I guess I stick to late 20s or late 30s/early 40s then
> Unless I decide I'm done as well, which may happen. I think I have too much baggage now too lol


Right now, you probably do have too much emotional baggage. You're fresh out of a relationship yourself. 6 months or a year from now after you get your head straight, things might be different.


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## RandomDude

Enigma32 said:


> Right now, you probably do have too much emotional baggage. You're fresh out of a relationship yourself. 6 months or a year from now after you get your head straight, things might be different.


Guess 16 days fresh out of being engaged doesn't cut it huh?  6 months from now I'll be 36 and 1 year I'll be 37, and I bet I'm still going to have baggage either way like the rest of em.

Reselling the ring is probably going to mess me up something bad too. Quite frankly the more the days go by the more I'm finding my old independence and the more done I'm feeling as well, might end up with that potential FWB after all.

All this connection crap, yeah sure it was nice but can't depend on finding it or keeping it and hell people change too. So what's the point really? Meh


----------



## RandomDude

Kinda fking disillusioned having loved but never was in love with anyone for 32 years of my life having gone through the whole shebangs again and again then gave up before finally falling in love and found a best friend only to realise its still not bloody enough. Meh

/end vent


----------



## Elizabeth001

God help me… the threads are flowing tonight. I think it may just be me because evidently God saw fit that I needed one more complete cycle and I’m at the end of it…ergo my cat is having kittens. RAWR!

There are spanking threads and masturbation threads and anal threads. I’m like a kid at the candy store!

I’m creeping up on 2 years celibate. I did have one nice walk with a fish but, as usual, he is a SUPER NICE guy that has feels for me that I can’t reciprocate. 

I also quit my job …AGAIN. Can’t seem to find a happy place after 22 years at one thing and then a layoff. While the ink was still wet on my divorce papers. 

And you all know I lost my little bunny puppy 

I NEED A BREAK!!! Waaaaa! 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## ConanHub

Elizabeth001 said:


> God help me… the threads are flowing tonight. I think it may just be me because evidently God saw fit that I needed one more complete cycle and I’m at the end of it…ergo my cat is having kittens. RAWR!
> 
> There are spanking threads and masturbation threads and anal threads. I’m like a kid at the candy store!
> 
> I’m creeping up on 2 years celibate. I did have one nice walk with a fish but, as usual, he is a SUPER NICE guy that has feels for me that I can’t reciprocate.
> 
> I also quit my job …AGAIN. Can’t seem to find a happy place after 22 years at one thing and then a layoff. While the ink was still wet on my divorce papers.
> 
> And you all know I lost my little bunny puppy
> 
> I NEED A BREAK!!! Waaaaa!
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I get it even though I I'm not close to being denied as long as you.

I'm currently a month and a half celibate and have masturbated an average of 4x a day.

The threads are certainly fun but really teasing my tickle at the same time, if you catch my drifting.

I'm so sorry about your puppy!😢


----------



## farsidejunky

ConanHub said:


> I get it even though I I'm not close to being denied as long as you.
> 
> I'm currently a month and a half celibate and have masturbated an average of 4x a day.
> 
> The threads are certainly fun but really teasing my tickle at the same time, if you catch my drifting.
> 
> I'm so sorry about your puppy!


Eh, what did I miss that you have been celibate?

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


----------



## ConanHub

farsidejunky said:


> Eh, what did I miss that you have been celibate?
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


Mrs. C and I stopped working and traveling together and I contracted out for two and a half months to fund our move to Texas.

I have about a month to go and hanging in there.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Amateurs. The lot of you. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## TXTrini

Elizabeth001 said:


> God help me… the threads are flowing tonight. I think it may just be me because evidently God saw fit that I needed one more complete cycle and I’m at the end of it…ergo my cat is having kittens. RAWR!
> 
> There are spanking threads and masturbation threads and anal threads. I’m like a kid at the candy store!
> 
> I’m creeping up on 2 years celibate. I did have one nice walk with a fish but, as usual, he is a SUPER NICE guy that has feels for me that I can’t reciprocate.
> 
> I also quit my job …AGAIN. Can’t seem to find a happy place after 22 years at one thing and then a layoff. While the ink was still wet on my divorce papers.
> 
> And you all know I lost my little bunny puppy
> 
> I NEED A BREAK!!! Waaaaa!
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I know the feeling! Hang in there, and start dating like you mean it!


----------



## Deejo

HOLY SHIP! This thread is still going?? I need to pay better attention.


----------



## LisaDiane

Deejo said:


> HOLY SHIP! This thread is still going?? I need to pay better attention.


Lolol!!!! 

And going, and going, and going...Lol!


----------



## WandaJ

Deejo said:


> HOLY SHIP! This thread is still going?? I need to pay better attention.


Come on, that’s the most happy thread in the sea of the miserable marriage problems on TAM!
We here all know the secret: miserable marriage will never become happy marriage, so we acted accordingly…


----------



## RebuildingMe

I have some happy news. I bought a house. Closing is scheduled for November 1st. I will be out of my brother’s basement after 16 long ass months. Best of all, the twins will have their own rooms. They won’t have to share a pullout couch anymore! They’ve been troopers through all of this. There is sunshine on the other side of divorce. 
Now carry on all you miserable, sexless TAMers


----------



## WandaJ

I am sorry for jumping in and out of the TAM in recent months. It’s just so much going on, with divorce, houses, kids, dating.

So, a little update in my dating. After 27 years with one man I am so not ready to jump into another relationship. For now I date casually -not different guy every week casual, but one guy on casual basis. Works really well for us . He is poly and I do not care -which is major shock to myself. It also gives me flexibility if I chose to. All out in the open, no cheating. I am really enjoying my freedom 

Another big thing for me - finally I have found my way into BDSM world. It’s been my fantasy for a very long time, but I was sure through my whole life that I would never find courage to actually do something about it. The poly guy I am dating introduced me to people, places and events and it turned out that’s all I needed to jump right in head first
I’ve met great people, my social life has started moving around those circles. It turned out that I love dungeons - I never thought it would get to that..
I am very happy, very relaxed, everybody tells me that divorce really works well for me


----------



## WandaJ

RebuildingMe said:


> I have some happy news. I bought a house. Closing is scheduled for November 1st. I will be out of my brother’s basement after 16 long ass months. Best of all, the twins will have their own rooms. They won’t have to share a pullout couch anymore! They’ve been troopers through all of this. There is sunshine on the other side of divorce.
> Now carry on all you miserable, sexless TAMers


There is sunshine and rainbows and unicorns after divorce! And great sex😜

congratulations on the house and enjoy your new journey!


----------



## RebuildingMe

WandaJ said:


> I am sorry for jumping in and out of the TAM in recent months. It’s just so much going on, with divorce, houses, kids, dating.
> So, a little update in my dating. After 27 years with one man I am so not ready to jump into another relationship. For now I date casually -not different guy every week casual, but one guy on casual basis. Works really well for us . He is poly and I do not care -which is major shock to myself. It also gives me flexibility if I chose to. All out in the open, no cheating.
> 
> Another big thing for me - finally I have found my way into BDSM world. It’s been my fantasy for a very ling time, but I was sure through my whole life that I would never find courage to actually do something about it. The poly guy I am dating introduced me to people, places and events and it turned out that’s all I needed to jump right in head first
> I’ve met great people, my social life has started moving around those circles. It turned out that I love dungeons - I never thought it would get to that..
> I am very happy, very relaxed, everybody tells me that divorce really works well for me


Wow, great update. It’s amazing what getting out from the shackles of marriage can do for the mind, body and soul. I know someone on TAM that can help you out with the BDSM. I’m so glad you are finding yourself @WandaJ . I always agree with what you post and I find it no surprise that you are now enjoying life with no hang ups.


----------



## WandaJ

RebuildingMe said:


> Wow, great update. It’s amazing what getting out from the shackles of marriage can do for the mind, body and soul. I know someone on TAM that can help you out with the BDSM. I’m so glad you are finding yourself @WandaJ . I always agree with what you post and I find it no surprise that you are now enjoying life with no hang ups.


Thank you @RebuildingMe . It is quite a journey. I have to say my dates from
Fetlife were way more interesting and reliable than most of those from Bumble. There is no bulshitting, all cards are out in the open and I love it.

I know that there are few people on here from fet. I’ve been on it for a year now - first sitting queietly “in the corner” and observing, than slowly becoming more active and open. It has really been very freeing experience.


----------



## 2&out

Congrats on the house Rebuilding - that's great ! I'm not very miserable... kind of fell into an opportunity/situation that is working pretty tits for me on the "relationship" front. About all of TAM would condemn but I misplaced my halo long ago... lol.


----------



## RebuildingMe

2&out said:


> Congrats on the house Rebuilding - that's great ! I'm not very miserable... kind of fell into an opportunity/situation that is working pretty tits for me on the "relationship" front. About all of TAM would condemn but I misplaced my halo long ago... lol.


Thanks for the well wishes! 
Is she married?


----------



## 2&out

Ummm... yep. But it's not a hidden thing.


----------



## lifeistooshort

WandaJ said:


> There is sunshine and rainbows and unicorns after divorce! And great sex😜
> 
> congratulations on the house and enjoy your new journey!



My sex life increased many times over after my divorce.

My ex was my only experience with men over 50 and he had raging ED he wouldn't deal with. I figured that's just how men over 50 were (the ED part).

Imagine my surprise when I started seeing my over 50 bf and he not only had no trouble...he wanted it regularly!

Almost 3 years in sex is still regular and great 😀


----------



## m.t.t

I'm having the best sex of my life atm too! 
You never know what's around the corner after divorce but from my experience life is so much better in so many ways.


----------



## LisaDiane

RebuildingMe said:


> I have some happy news. I bought a house. Closing is scheduled for November 1st. I will be out of my brother’s basement after 16 long ass months. Best of all, the twins will have their own rooms. They won’t have to share a pullout couch anymore! They’ve been troopers through all of this. There is sunshine on the other side of divorce.
> Now carry on all you miserable, sexless TAMers


YAY!!!!! Congratulations!!!


----------



## WandaJ

m.t.t said:


> I'm having the best sex of my life atm too!
> You never know what's around the corner after divorce but from my experience life is so much better in so many ways.


From what I see around me - all divorcees are way more happy now. 

I was told so many times recently that I am proof that for some people divorce is the best option. They haven't seen me so happy in years...


----------



## WandaJ

lifeistooshort said:


> My sex life increased many times over after my divorce.
> 
> My ex was my only experience with men over 50 and he had raging ED he wouldn't deal with. I figured that's just how men over 50 were (the ED part).
> 
> Imagine my surprise when I started seeing my over 50 bf and he not only had no trouble...he wanted it regularly!
> 
> Almost 3 years in sex is still regular and great 😀


I also noticed with my post-divorce partners positive correlation between sexual performance and regular working out ....


----------



## lifeistooshort

WandaJ said:


> From what I see around me - all divorcees are way more happy now.
> 
> I was told so many times recently that I am proof that for some people divorce is the best option. They haven't seen me so happy in years...


You mean we're not all washed up bitter old hags?

😅😅😅


----------



## lifeistooshort

WandaJ said:


> I also noticed with my post-divorce partners positive correlation between sexual performance and regular working out ....


Yeah...I definitely think that's true. We're both pretty big fitness freaks 😀


----------



## Deejo

lifeistooshort said:


> You mean we're not all washed up bitter old hags?
> 
> 😅😅😅


Gonna be honest, I'm feeling a little haggish myself.

Either my sexual marketplace value has really tanked ... or I need to be in a more date-friendly environment.
Call me old and cranky, but I'm not much interested in driving over an hour to meet people in the hopes of forging a relationship, or getting laid. If anything, I've been weighing moving even further out into the boonies.


----------



## WandaJ

lifeistooshort said:


> You mean we're not all washed up bitter old hags?
> 
> 😅😅😅


everything but that


----------



## Hiner112

Wish us luck. The kids are going to meet the GF for the first time tomorrow.


----------



## LisaDiane

So...for all the dating people who are seriously looking for potential partners (not just casually dating)...HOW do you decide who you are interested in? Is it just opportunity, like who is also interested in you?

Do you pick someone just based on sexual attraction? Or do you look for things you have in common and can enjoy together??

How do you decide what is important to have in your relationship and what is worth doing without in a partner?


----------



## RebuildingMe

LisaDiane said:


> So...for all the dating people who are seriously looking for potential partners (not just casually dating)...HOW do you decide who you are interested in? Is it just opportunity, like who is also interested in you?
> 
> Do you pick someone just based on sexual attraction? Or do you look for things you have in common and can enjoy together??
> 
> How do you decide what is important to have in your relationship and what is worth doing without in a partner?


Sexual chemistry is very important. I was asking questions to rule out red flags. Most failed immediately. A couple of them were nice and we had some fun  but they didn’t have staying power. Usually because of work, kids, lack of availability or my upfront statements about not being interested in cohabitation and marriage. I was surprised at the number of divorced women who wished to her married again. Upon further pressing, it’s because they got out of the burning plane in a golden parachute (house, kids, child support, alimony).A few did confide in me that the market is”dry” for middle aged men because they don’t want to commit.

Anyway, that was just my experience. It was fun for me. I liked dating and meeting new people. I also found that recently divorced middle aged women were definitely DTF. That was a huge and pleasant surprise to me getting back out there. A few asked about birth control and seemed very relieved I had a vasectomy. Not one asked to use a condom. 
I eventually met one, that so far, has some staying power for me. 

My advice is to pick 5 absolute, must have, non negotiable dealbreakers. Find out as early as you can if they have those 5 qualities and go from there. Dismiss anyone immediately who fails to go 5 out of 5. Good luck!


----------



## lifeistooshort

RebuildingMe said:


> Sexual chemistry is very important. I was asking questions to rule out red flags. Most failed immediately. A couple of them were nice and we had some fun  but they didn’t have staying power. Usually because of work, kids, lack of availability or my upfront statements about not being interested in cohabitation and marriage. I was surprised at the number of divorced women who wished to her married again. Upon further pressing, it’s because they got out of the burning plane in a golden parachute (house, kids, child support, alimony).A few did confide in me that the market is”dry” for middle aged men because they don’t want to commit.
> 
> Anyway, that was just my experience. It was fun for me. I liked dating and meeting new people. I also found that recently divorced middle aged women were definitely DTF. That was a huge and pleasant surprise to me getting back out there. A few asked about birth control and seemed very relieved I had a vasectomy. Not one asked to use a condom.
> I eventually met one, that so far, has some staying power for me.
> 
> My advice is to pick 5 absolute, must have, non negotiable dealbreakers. Find out as early as you can if they have those 5 qualities and go from there. Dismiss anyone immediately who fails to go 5 out of 5. Good luck!


This is quite interesting to me as one who has never done OLD. I wonder if the sample is biased because OLD is more likely to attract women actively looking for "commitments"? I put it in quotes because it can mean different things. To me it mainly means that if you're sleeping with me you ain't sleeping with anyone else as I don't wish to catch anything. Beyond that things can develop.

Most of my gf's are long term married but myself and the couple of divorced ones I know have no pressing interest in remarriage. None of us are using OLD. I do know a couple of others...friends of friends....that use it and both complain it's a **** show.

As for the middle aged men market being dry, I haven't found this to be the case at all but maybe that's because I frequent athletic circles where single people are looking. I met my bf the first day I showed up to a bike club, and he wasn't the only one who showed interest. He got to me first and we hit it off

I also had a few runners approach me after they heard I was divorced, and these were guys I had no idea had been eyeballing me.

It's interesting that people can have such different experiences. Perhaps athletic circles are different...a guy friend of mine told me the triathlon clubs are even better for women. He says no single woman worth anything in the tri clubs stays single long if she doesn't want to be single. I've done some tri's but I don't frequent the clubs.

As for chemistry I agree it's important, but I also think it's important to remember that not all chemistry is instant. Sometimes it develops if you spend some time together, but if it's going to happen it shouldn't take that long. I knew after a few conversations that bf and I had something and so did he.


----------



## TXTrini

LisaDiane said:


> So...for all the dating people who are seriously looking for potential partners (not just casually dating)...HOW do you decide who you are interested in? Is it just opportunity, like who is also interested in you?
> 
> Do you pick someone just based on sexual attraction? Or do you look for things you have in common and can enjoy together??
> 
> How do you decide what is important to have in your relationship and what is worth doing without in a partner?


Ok, so I'm not dating anymore, but we have a lot in common so maybe you can use my experiences. I am NOT going to post sordid details here, so message me for the juicy stuff 😂 

Anyways...my experience was there are a TON of men out there, which was shocking. I thought it would be slim pickings in my age group (40-50) since you hear all these men looking for 20-somethings and women bemoaning how ****ty OLD is.

Don't post your profile until you're prepared to start engaging immediately, and dating pretty soon, or make it and go invisible. I was pretty overwhelmed the first time I posted my profile and started getting messages and ended up chickening out 😂. Oh, since you're a polite sweetie, please please please don't feel obligated to reply to every message you get, especially if you're not interested. I made the mistake of doing that a few times, and OMG the sheer vileness of some of the responses was shocking. Actually, make that a rule, NEVER message a man you're not interested in for ANY reason. 

So onto choosing...
I wasn't particularly interested in the generated options, so I systemically used the search and filters to see men who were within my age range and reasonable distance. My filters were: no casual even if they were also looking for a relationship, no drugs/heavy drinkers/smokers, no looking to have kids/had young kids and certain religions I knew I am not compatible with. 

Then I opened the profiles of the guys I found attractive and scanned their profiles to see if anything piqued my interest. Empty profiles, profiles with shirtless pics etc got nexted. I liked the ones I thought were interesting and then waited to see who was interested in me. I did not message anyone first, I don't like overly passive men and didn't want to get stuck in always initiating, that gets old fast. 

Sure I oogled some of the pretty ones, and eyeballed their abs pics. I get that people are proud of their body, and the hard work it takes to maintain that, but trotting out the goods openly for all and sundry reminded me of the prostitutes in the Red Light district. Anyway, I wanted an intelligent man with a sense of humor who wasn't looking for validation from the masses, so next,

You seem to be the kind of woman who likes to get to know people on a deeper level, so you might share similar attitudes with me. I didn't talk to more than 3 men at a time, and I just "knew" which ones I was interested in wanting to know better. Here's where you need to sniff out the wolves in sheep's clothing, there were a lot of assholes masquerading as nice guys. 

What might shock you is I didn't shun men for getting sexual, that's important to me cause I didn't want to get stuck with another dud. But, it depended on how they did it, sexy banter is fun and playful, unsolicited **** pics and begging for sex is not. You'll know if it feels right or not. 

I wasn't interested in dating around, much less multi-dating, so I preferred to get to know men a little before going out. I know everyone usually insists here you should meet ASAP, but I feel that's a waste of my time and energy. I don't see the point in meeting ASAP, b/c it gave me enough time to decide if I wanted to know them better and to filter who wanted to smash & dash from who wanted to know me as a person. Plus, I didn't want the temptation of easy sex 😂 

I went out with a grand total of 4 men, but that was after talking to dozens and scanning through hundreds of interested men in my area. Don't let anyone pressure you into anything that makes you uncomfortable but be prepared to ask someone out if you're really interested.

All this is just meeting, to see if you are interested 😂. I truly don't think you can totally nail someone's relationship potential until you actually date them and watch for their behaviors. Pretty face and pretty words are pretty empty. I started seeing a guy I thought was a "nice guy" and he ghosted me after a month. 

When I met my bf, I thought he wasn't really interested in anything more than physical, he came across as super horny 😂 and non-committal even though he stated he wanted a long-term relationship. To be fair, he thought I came across the same, b/c there were some serious sparks in person and I nearly ate him alive after a sexless marriage. It'll be 2yrs in mid-January and we are pretty interested in seeing how far we can take our relationship. 

So moral of the story is, you can't go with a set-in-stone mindset. Be open to possibility, be open to changing your own mind about what you want/need and don't pigeonhole people into categories. I think people come out of bad relationships certain of what they don't want, but forget that no one is going to be perfect, so having some list beyond absolute dealbreakers is unrealistic.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

LisaDiane said:


> So...for all the dating people who are seriously looking for potential partners (not just casually dating)...HOW do you decide who you are interested in? Is it just opportunity, like who is also interested in you?
> 
> Do you pick someone just based on sexual attraction? Or do you look for things you have in common and can enjoy together??
> 
> How do you decide what is important to have in your relationship and what is worth doing without in a partner?


Well, you were married, so you should know what you DONT want in a man. Think about what didn’t work in your relationship, and then think about what you wished for when you were so unhappy. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## manowar

[


TXTrini said:


> Ok, so I'm not dating anymore, but we have a lot in common so maybe you can use my experiences. I am NOT going to post sordid details here, so message me for the juicy stuff 😂
> 
> Anyways...my experience was there are a TON of men out there, which was shocking. I thought it would be slim pickings in my age group (40-50) since you hear all these men looking for 20-somethings and women bemoaning how ****ty OLD is.
> 
> Don't post your profile until you're prepared to start engaging immediately, and dating pretty soon, or make it and go invisible. I was pretty overwhelmed the first time I posted my profile and started getting messages and ended up chickening out 😂. Oh, since you're a polite sweetie, please please please don't feel obligated to reply to every message you get, especially if you're not interested. I made the mistake of doing that a few times, and OMG the sheer vileness of some of the responses was shocking. Actually, make that a rule, NEVER message a man you're not interested in for ANY reason.
> 
> So onto choosing...
> I wasn't particularly interested in the generated options, so I systemically used the search and filters to see men who were within my age range and reasonable distance. My filters were: no casual even if they were also looking for a relationship, no drugs/heavy drinkers/smokers, no looking to have kids/had young kids and certain religions I knew I am not compatible with.
> 
> Then I opened the profiles of the guys I found attractive and scanned their profiles to see if anything piqued my interest. Empty profiles, profiles with shirtless pics etc got nexted. I liked the ones I thought were interesting and then waited to see who was interested in me. I did not message anyone first, I don't like overly passive men and didn't want to get stuck in always initiating, that gets old fast.
> 
> Sure I oogled some of the pretty ones, and eyeballed their abs pics. I get that people are proud of their body, and the hard work it takes to maintain that, but trotting out the goods openly for all and sundry reminded me of the prostitutes in the Red Light district. Anyway, I wanted an intelligent man with a sense of humor who wasn't looking for validation from the masses, so next,
> 
> You seem to be the kind of woman who likes to get to know people on a deeper level, so you might share similar attitudes with me. I didn't talk to more than 3 men at a time, and I just "knew" which ones I was interested in wanting to know better. Here's where you need to sniff out the wolves in sheep's clothing, there were a lot of assholes masquerading as nice guys.
> 
> What might shock you is I didn't shun men for getting sexual, that's important to me cause I didn't want to get stuck with another dud. But, it depended on how they did it, sexy banter is fun and playful, unsolicited **** pics and begging for sex is not. You'll know if it feels right or not.
> 
> I wasn't interested in dating around, much less multi-dating, so I preferred to get to know men a little before going out. I know everyone usually insists here you should meet ASAP, but I feel that's a waste of my time and energy. I don't see the point in meeting ASAP, b/c it gave me enough time to decide if I wanted to know them better and to filter who wanted to smash & dash from who wanted to know me as a person. Plus, I didn't want the temptation of easy sex 😂
> 
> I went out with a grand total of 4 men, but that was after talking to dozens and scanning through hundreds of interested men in my area. Don't let anyone pressure you into anything that makes you uncomfortable but be prepared to ask someone out if you're really interested.
> 
> ..........................................................


 
that post was damn well written and good advice for the ladies. Some insight for the guys too.


----------



## TXTrini

manowar said:


> that post was damn well written and good advice for the ladies. Some insight for the guys too.


That's high praise indeed coming from you, thank you.


----------



## m.t.t

Deejo said:


> Gonna be honest, I'm feeling a little haggish myself.
> 
> Either my sexual marketplace value has really tanked ... or I need to be in a more date-friendly environment.
> Call me old and cranky, but I'm not much interested in driving over an hour to meet people in the hopes of forging a relationship, or getting laid. If anything, I've been weighing moving even further out into the boonies.


It really sucks meeting someone you really like an hour away as well. Not really great to quick catch ups. Maybe this is good or bad I'm not sure. All I know is that I miss the person that i'm seeing far too much.


----------



## m.t.t

In fact I think I'm going to have the conversation where I say I don't want a Saturday night dinner and sleepover. I want to do real things with you on the weekends as well. She is asking about things like I want to sit with you and watch a movie or read in bed together do you think about doing those things with me as well? So maybe she wants me to instigate those things? We just don't seem to manage to do much more other than sex atm. This might be why she is also asking about normal things.


----------



## TXTrini

m.t.t said:


> It really sucks meeting someone you really like an hour away as well. Not really great to quick catch ups. Maybe this is good or bad I'm not sure. All I know is that I miss the person that i'm seeing far too much.


Really? My bf and I are limited to weekends because we live over an hour away from each other. When we started dating, it was 2hrs, but I was in the process of moving. I didn't see anyone I was particularly interested in in the city (OLD, I don't get out much), he hadn't met anyone he was interested in for a good year. Then we hit it off so well, we think it's worth the hassle. 

We've got to the point where we would like to spend more time together, but we're each juggling commitments. We text pretty much all day every day intermittently and talk when we get a chance. We spend entire weekends together, the dude's seen me when I was particularly gnarly when I had working weekends and he hasn't run yet 🙃. 

Nothing worthwhile is easy or completely without sacrifice or compromise. It's up to you to decide if someone or something is worth the effort or not. Missing someone is a good thing, when you don't miss someone and long for a break is when you have issues.


----------



## LisaDiane

TXTrini said:


> Ok, so I'm not dating anymore, but we have a lot in common so maybe you can use my experiences. I am NOT going to post sordid details here, so message me for the juicy stuff 😂
> 
> Anyways...my experience was there are a TON of men out there, which was shocking. I thought it would be slim pickings in my age group (40-50) since you hear all these men looking for 20-somethings and women bemoaning how ****ty OLD is.
> 
> Don't post your profile until you're prepared to start engaging immediately, and dating pretty soon, or make it and go invisible. I was pretty overwhelmed the first time I posted my profile and started getting messages and ended up chickening out 😂. Oh, since you're a polite sweetie, please please please don't feel obligated to reply to every message you get, especially if you're not interested. I made the mistake of doing that a few times, and OMG the sheer vileness of some of the responses was shocking. Actually, make that a rule, NEVER message a man you're not interested in for ANY reason.
> 
> So onto choosing...
> I wasn't particularly interested in the generated options, so I systemically used the search and filters to see men who were within my age range and reasonable distance. My filters were: no casual even if they were also looking for a relationship, no drugs/heavy drinkers/smokers, no looking to have kids/had young kids and certain religions I knew I am not compatible with.
> 
> Then I opened the profiles of the guys I found attractive and scanned their profiles to see if anything piqued my interest. Empty profiles, profiles with shirtless pics etc got nexted. I liked the ones I thought were interesting and then waited to see who was interested in me. I did not message anyone first, I don't like overly passive men and didn't want to get stuck in always initiating, that gets old fast.
> 
> Sure I oogled some of the pretty ones, and eyeballed their abs pics. I get that people are proud of their body, and the hard work it takes to maintain that, but trotting out the goods openly for all and sundry reminded me of the prostitutes in the Red Light district. Anyway, I wanted an intelligent man with a sense of humor who wasn't looking for validation from the masses, so next,
> 
> You seem to be the kind of woman who likes to get to know people on a deeper level, so you might share similar attitudes with me. I didn't talk to more than 3 men at a time, and I just "knew" which ones I was interested in wanting to know better. Here's where you need to sniff out the wolves in sheep's clothing, there were a lot of assholes masquerading as nice guys.
> 
> What might shock you is I didn't shun men for getting sexual, that's important to me cause I didn't want to get stuck with another dud. But, it depended on how they did it, sexy banter is fun and playful, unsolicited **** pics and begging for sex is not. You'll know if it feels right or not.
> 
> I wasn't interested in dating around, much less multi-dating, so I preferred to get to know men a little before going out. I know everyone usually insists here you should meet ASAP, but I feel that's a waste of my time and energy. I don't see the point in meeting ASAP, b/c it gave me enough time to decide if I wanted to know them better and to filter who wanted to smash & dash from who wanted to know me as a person. Plus, I didn't want the temptation of easy sex 😂
> 
> I went out with a grand total of 4 men, but that was after talking to dozens and scanning through hundreds of interested men in my area. Don't let anyone pressure you into anything that makes you uncomfortable but be prepared to ask someone out if you're really interested.
> 
> All this is just meeting, to see if you are interested 😂. I truly don't think you can totally nail someone's relationship potential until you actually date them and watch for their behaviors. Pretty face and pretty words are pretty empty. I started seeing a guy I thought was a "nice guy" and he ghosted me after a month.
> 
> When I met my bf, I thought he wasn't really interested in anything more than physical, he came across as super horny 😂 and non-committal even though he stated he wanted a long-term relationship. To be fair, he thought I came across the same, b/c there were some serious sparks in person and I nearly ate him alive after a sexless marriage. It'll be 2yrs in mid-January and we are pretty interested in seeing how far we can take our relationship.
> 
> So moral of the story is, you can't go with a set-in-stone mindset. Be open to possibility, be open to changing your own mind about what you want/need and don't pigeonhole people into categories. I think people come out of bad relationships certain of what they don't want, but forget that no one is going to be perfect, so having some list beyond absolute dealbreakers is unrealistic.


GREAT reply!!!! Thank you so much for all this advice and for sharing so much of your experiences!!!

I am NOT ready to date, I don't think...and I'm certainly NOT ready for online dating (EEEK!!!)...but everything you wrote was very encouraging and made it seem much less terrifying if I am ever ready to go that route!
I think we are very similar, because everything you wrote made perfect sense to me!!! 💜


----------



## TXTrini

LisaDiane said:


> GREAT reply!!!! Thank you so much for all this advice and for sharing so much of your experiences!!!
> 
> I am NOT ready to date, I don't think...and I'm certainly NOT ready for online dating (EEEK!!!)...but everything you wrote was very encouraging and made it seem much less terrifying if I am ever ready to go that route!
> I think we are very similar, because everything you wrote made perfect sense to me!!! 💜


Good! I was terrified to get back out there, especially after what I read on the 2019 Singles thread 😲. Heck, I never dated before, I sort of fell right into relationships/marriage so it was extremely intimidating. 

I decided to just do it, left to my own devices, anything I put off for too long I might never do or take a REALLY long time about it. Honestly, my motivation was plain old hormones after so many years of a sexless marriage, but I don't like the idea of casually drifting from man to man.

Maybe you might change your mind when it hits you that you're free to get jiggy with it now 😉. When you're ready to put a toe out, just do it. Please dish when you do, I'm excited for you! I can't believe what I was missing out on all those wasted years...


----------



## ConanHub

Just putting it out there.

I'm pulling for all you single folks to be healthy and happy.

Be well.❤


----------



## m.t.t

TXTrini said:


> Really? My bf and I are limited to weekends because we live over an hour away from each other. When we started dating, it was 2hrs, but I was in the process of moving. I didn't see anyone I was particularly interested in in the city (OLD, I don't get out much), he hadn't met anyone he was interested in for a good year. Then we hit it off so well, we think it's worth the hassle.
> 
> We've got to the point where we would like to spend more time together, but we're each juggling commitments. We text pretty much all day every day intermittently and talk when we get a chance. We spend entire weekends together, the dude's seen me when I was particularly gnarly when I had working weekends and he hasn't run yet 🙃.
> 
> Nothing worthwhile is easy or completely without sacrifice or compromise. It's up to you to decide if someone or something is worth the effort or not. Missing someone is a good thing, when you don't miss someone and long for a break is when you have issues.


she is very much worth it, and yes I agree missing someone is a really good thing.


----------



## LisaDiane

RebuildingMe said:


> Sexual chemistry is very important. I was asking questions to rule out red flags. Most failed immediately. A couple of them were nice and we had some fun  but they didn’t have staying power. Usually because of work, kids, lack of availability or my upfront statements about not being interested in cohabitation and marriage. I was surprised at the number of divorced women who wished to her married again. Upon further pressing, it’s because they got out of the burning plane in a golden parachute (house, kids, child support, alimony).A few did confide in me that the market is”dry” for middle aged men because they don’t want to commit.
> 
> Anyway, that was just my experience. It was fun for me. I liked dating and meeting new people. I also found that recently divorced middle aged women were definitely DTF. That was a huge and pleasant surprise to me getting back out there. A few asked about birth control and seemed very relieved I had a vasectomy. Not one asked to use a condom.
> I eventually met one, that so far, has some staying power for me.
> 
> My advice is to pick 5 absolute, must have, non negotiable dealbreakers. Find out as early as you can if they have those 5 qualities and go from there. Dismiss anyone immediately who fails to go 5 out of 5. Good luck!


What questions can you ask and be sure that they are being honest though? 

I was VERY open and honest with my STBX about sex and my drive and what I needed in a monogamous relationship...and he LIED to me and pretended to agree with me.

HOW will I avoid a man like that next time?


----------



## lifeistooshort

LisaDiane said:


> What questions can you ask and be sure that they are being honest though?
> 
> I was VERY open and honest with my STBX about sex and my drive and what I needed in a monogamous relationship...and he LIED to me and pretended to agree with me.
> 
> HOW will I avoid a man like that next time?


I may be a little different in this regard but I'm not a fan of talking about a lot of things. On the surface it seems like a good idea to communicate, and sometimes it is, but that also gives people a chance to lie and ******** as your ex did.

I tend to sit back and watch because people will show you who they are as they head toward their own equilibrium, which they always do.

It's fine to lay out "expectations" but it can be hard to know if they're bullshitting. If your expectation is that you split the bills that's fine to discuss, but intimate and behavioral expectations are different. 

I never discussed what I expected in a sex life with my bf...I let things play out so I could decide if it worked for me. Of course I don't know what the future holds but not talking about it gave me a chance to observe how he operates when there are no expectations.

This is of course just me, and I have been known to have communication issues. I just don't trust people to always be honest of they think the relationship is on the line. They may not even be purposefully deceptive....they may really think they can do it, but if you say little and watch they'll be who they are.

The key is to listen. My ex did show me who he was but I didn't listen.


----------



## Sfort

LisaDiane said:


> I was VERY open and honest with my STBX about sex and my drive and what I needed in a monogamous relationship...and he LIED to me and pretended to agree with me.


Is that correct, or did he change?


----------



## Sfort

lifeistooshort said:


> I may be a little different in this regard but I'm not a fan of talking about a lot of things. On the surface it seems like a good idea to communicate, and sometimes it is, but that also gives people a chance to lie and ****** as your ex did.


I'm a major talker, to my friends' and acquaintances' detriments.


----------



## LisaDiane

Sfort said:


> Is that correct, or did he change?


It seemed like he changed, but our subsequent conversations revealed he had lied and deceived me (and I later found out he lied about other things as well)...because he didn't want to lose the chance to be with me. 

I think it's like @lifeistooshort said, some things you have to trust a persons ACTIONS instead of their words...but he was only my second partner, and he kept "gaslighting" me and blame shifting, and shaming me...so I kept thinking I must have the problem because I needed alot of sex. I didn't have TAM or anyone else to ask about it so I couldn't figure him out.

He NEVER came right out and said he preferred sex with himself instead of with a partner (which is what the truth is, that took me 15 years to understand).


----------



## Elizabeth001

Some people can put up a great front for a LONG time. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## TXTrini

lifeistooshort said:


> I may be a little different in this regard but I'm not a fan of talking about a lot of things. On the surface it seems like a good idea to communicate, and sometimes it is, but that also gives people a chance to lie and ****** as your ex did.
> 
> I tend to sit back and watch because people will show you who they are as they head toward their own equilibrium, which they always do.
> 
> It's fine to lay out "expectations" but it can be hard to know if they're bullshitting. If your expectation is that you split the bills that's fine to discuss, but intimate and behavioral expectations are different.
> 
> I never discussed what I expected in a sex life with my bf...I let things play out so I could decide if it worked for me. Of course I don't know what the future holds but not talking about it gave me a chance to observe how he operates when there are no expectations.
> 
> This is of course just me, and I have been known to have communication issues. I just don't trust people to always be honest of they think the relationship is on the line. They may not even be purposefully deceptive....they may really think they can do it, but if you say little and watch they'll be who they are.
> 
> The key is to listen. My ex did show me who he was but I didn't listen.


This is exactly the tack I took for this relationship! Words are meaningless, action is where it's at. My exH had everyone convinced he was Mr. Wonderful, but his actions were not so wonderful. Even 2 years later, I'm still shocked that anyone could live with that level of dissonance. I've always been a more upfront person, "what you see is what you get". People can either like me or not, but they always know where they stand. 



LisaDiane said:


> It seemed like he changed, but our subsequent conversations revealed he had lied and deceived me (and I later found out he lied about other things as well)...because he didn't want to lose the chance to be with me.
> 
> I think it's like @lifeistooshort said, some things you have to trust a persons ACTIONS instead of their words...but he was only my second partner, and he kept "gaslighting" me and blame shifting, and shaming me...so I kept thinking I must have the problem because I needed alot of sex. I didn't have TAM or anyone else to ask about it so I couldn't figure him out.
> 
> He NEVER came right out and said he preferred sex with himself instead of with a partner (which is what the truth is, that took me 15 years to understand).


You and I share many experiences, deception, gas-lighting, blame-shifting, lazy lover and I suspect a high tolerance for crap and overly developed sense of loyalty. I still can't conceive how someone could live a lie for so long and put up such a convincing front to everyone, including his own family. Do you know the saying, "Forewarned is forearmed"? Well, I did not ask specific questions, I did not want to "give away my position". 

I specified what I was looking for, and communicated my deal breakers. I never asked specific questions about anything, we simply talked, I listened, observed and assessed (still do!!). I was careful not to overshare about my marriage and expectations, despite the fact that my divorce was not finalized when we met. Apparently, I was too closemouthed, so I have relaxed my stance somewhat. 

My opinion about human nature is VERY cynical. In my experience, many people tell you what you want to hear to get what they want and seek their advantage. Honest, self-aware people don't use others, but not everyone has scruples, so I attempted to screen for someone who knew who they were, what they wanted, whose values, desires and expectations aligned or meshed with mine.

One hard lesson I am struggling with and working on accepting is, sometimes no matter how much you give, how much effort you expend, how transparent you are or how fair you try to be, there are no guarantees in life and sometimes you will still be disappointed. 

Don't be afraid of making mistakes or misjudging people. You simply have no control of what others choose to do (lie, cheat, steal), so focus on you. Decide firmly what your dealbreakers are, assess what you are capable of giving. If you're not already financially independent, work on it. Don't feel intimidated by lacking some of the skillset required to go forward, what you can't do yourself, you can learn how or hire out.

Every day you move forward, you will regain your confidence in yourself and your judgment. I love my bf, but we are 2 individuals living separate lives together. I love having him in my life, but I don't need him. You can't always avoid ****ty people, some people are oscar worthy and maintain an image for decades. But you can learn to recognize when your needs aren't being met, how they respond to your requests when you make your concerns known, and develop enough self-confidence to jettison dead weight and keep moving forward.


----------



## ccpowerslave

LisaDiane said:


> HOW will I avoid a man like that next time?


You gonna have to put that man to the test in the sack and make sure he can keep up.

My wife basically had to hose me down last night. “What are you trying to start something again?” Why yes, yes I am!


----------



## ccpowerslave

LisaDiane said:


> I think it's like @lifeistooshort said, some things you have to trust a persons ACTIONS instead of their words...


This exactly!

I think there is a Def Leppard song about this. Action! Not Words


----------



## LisaDiane

ccpowerslave said:


> You gonna have to put that man to the test in the sack and make sure he can keep up.
> 
> My wife basically had to hose me down last night. “What are you trying to start something again?” Why yes, yes I am!


Lol!! 

Uh-huh...sex early on is NO indication of a person's real sexual nature though. Besides, I prefer to save the sex-o-rama for a guy I know I want and who wants me too!! Lol!


----------



## LisaDiane

TXTrini said:


> This is exactly the tack I took for this relationship! Words are meaningless, action is where it's at. My exH had everyone convinced he was Mr. Wonderful, but his actions were not so wonderful. Even 2 years later, I'm still shocked that anyone could live with that level of dissonance. I've always been a more upfront person, "what you see is what you get". People can either like me or not, but they always know where they stand.
> 
> 
> You and I share many experiences, deception, gas-lighting, blame-shifting, lazy lover and I suspect a high tolerance for crap and overly developed sense of loyalty. I still can't conceive how someone could live a lie for so long and put up such a convincing front to everyone, including his own family. Do you know the saying, "Forewarned is forearmed"? Well, I did not ask specific questions, I did not want to "give away my position".
> 
> I specified what I was looking for, and communicated my deal breakers. I never asked specific questions about anything, we simply talked, I listened, observed and assessed (still do!!). I was careful not to overshare about my marriage and expectations, despite the fact that my divorce was not finalized when we met. Apparently, I was too closemouthed, so I have relaxed my stance somewhat.
> 
> My opinion about human nature is VERY cynical. In my experience, many people tell you what you want to hear to get what they want and seek their advantage. Honest, self-aware people don't use others, but not everyone has scruples, so I attempted to screen for someone who knew who they were, what they wanted, whose values, desires and expectations aligned or meshed with mine.
> 
> One hard lesson I am struggling with and working on accepting is, sometimes no matter how much you give, how much effort you expend, how transparent you are or how fair you try to be, there are no guarantees in life and sometimes you will still be disappointed.
> 
> Don't be afraid of making mistakes or misjudging people. You simply have no control of what others choose to do (lie, cheat, steal), so focus on you. Decide firmly what your dealbreakers are, assess what you are capable of giving. If you're not already financially independent, work on it. Don't feel intimidated by lacking some of the skillset required to go forward, what you can't do yourself, you can learn how or hire out.
> 
> Every day you move forward, you will regain your confidence in yourself and your judgment. I love my bf, but we are 2 individuals living separate lives together. I love having him in my life, but I don't need him. You can't always avoid ****ty people, some people are oscar worthy and maintain an image for decades. But you can learn to recognize when your needs aren't being met, how they respond to your requests when you make your concerns known, and develop enough self-confidence to jettison dead weight and keep moving forward.


This is another very helpful post that is so true!! YOU are the BEST!!!!


----------



## LisaDiane

lifeistooshort said:


> I may be a little different in this regard but I'm not a fan of talking about a lot of things. On the surface it seems like a good idea to communicate, and sometimes it is, but that also gives people a chance to lie and ****** as your ex did.


You are so right, but I just don't understand anyone wanting to do that!!! My STBX had no real answer for me when I asked him, WHY would you lie knowing we wouldn't be happy together sexually???

If there is anything about me that doesn't work for a guy, he should move on, and I would have NO hard feelings about it!!

WHY pick someone who you don't really like or want???? I simply cannot understand such a thing!


----------



## lifeistooshort

LisaDiane said:


> You are so right, but I just don't understand anyone wanting to do that!!! My STBX had no real answer for me when I asked him, WHY would you lie knowing we wouldn't be happy together sexually???
> 
> If there is anything about me that doesn't work for a guy, he should move on, and I would have NO hard feelings about it!!
> 
> WHY pick someone who you don't really like or want???? I simply cannot understand such a thing!


Answers are overrated. I asked my ex why he married me and he said I was the best he was going to do. No mention of love.

He's probably right that he won't upgrade, but it's still a ****ty thing to say.

Maybe yours had this kind of mindset?


----------



## Elizabeth001

LisaDiane said:


> You are so right, but I just don't understand anyone wanting to do that!!! My STBX had no real answer for me when I asked him, WHY would you lie knowing we wouldn't be happy together sexually???
> 
> If there is anything about me that doesn't work for a guy, he should move on, and I would have NO hard feelings about it!!
> 
> WHY pick someone who you don't really like or want???? I simply cannot understand such a thing!


Maybe like mine who just wanted a trophy?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## lifeistooshort

Elizabeth001 said:


> Maybe like mine who just wanted a trophy?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Mine certainly liked having a much younger trophy.

But it made him feel very inadequate because I was younger, in good shape, and made a lot more money. He needed ego boosting from his cheap ***** and from tearing me down.

One could think I must be dominating at home, but that's not true. In fact I'm pretty laid back. That's why he got away with his passive aggressive crap for so long.


----------



## ConanHub

lifeistooshort said:


> I may be a little different in this regard but I'm not a fan of talking about a lot of things. On the surface it seems like a good idea to communicate, and sometimes it is, but that also gives people a chance to lie and ****** as your ex did.
> 
> I tend to sit back and watch because people will show you who they are as they head toward their own equilibrium, which they always do.
> 
> It's fine to lay out "expectations" but it can be hard to know if they're bullshitting. If your expectation is that you split the bills that's fine to discuss, but intimate and behavioral expectations are different.
> 
> I never discussed what I expected in a sex life with my bf...I let things play out so I could decide if it worked for me. Of course I don't know what the future holds but not talking about it gave me a chance to observe how he operates when there are no expectations.
> 
> This is of course just me, and I have been known to have communication issues. I just don't trust people to always be honest of they think the relationship is on the line. They may not even be purposefully deceptive....they may really think they can do it, but if you say little and watch they'll be who they are.
> 
> The key is to listen. My ex did show me who he was but I didn't listen.


Ho ho now! Some wisdom appeared.😊


----------



## RebuildingMe

LisaDiane said:


> What questions can you ask and be sure that they are being honest though?
> 
> I was VERY open and honest with my STBX about sex and my drive and what I needed in a monogamous relationship...and he LIED to me and pretended to agree with me.
> 
> HOW will I avoid a man like that next time?


Anyone who tells you they were in a sexless marriage is a red flag.


LisaDiane said:


> What questions can you ask and be sure that they are being honest though?
> 
> I was VERY open and honest with my STBX about sex and my drive and what I needed in a monogamous relationship...and he LIED to me and pretended to agree with me.
> 
> HOW will I avoid a man like that next time?


Well, people are going to lie. When you are first meeting someone, you're far more agreeable, sex is positive, and everyone is on their best behavior. It's like a sales pitch, but you have to see through the bs. I learned that when people talk about their prior marriage and claim it was sexless, believe them. Also, assume they were at least 50% to blame for that. Then ask yourself if you want to go down that road again and run for the hills!


----------



## ConanHub

lifeistooshort said:


> Mine certainly liked having a much younger trophy.
> 
> But it made him feel very inadequate because I was younger, in good shape, and made a lot more money. He needed ego boosting from his cheap *** and from tearing me down.
> 
> One could think I must be dominating at home, but that's not true. In fact I'm pretty laid back. That's why he got away with his passive aggressive crap for so long.


Good Lord! A younger wife in good shape and she makes great money?

I swear some people didn't get hit with the "stupid" stick, they had the whole damn tree fall on them!


----------



## LisaDiane

RebuildingMe said:


> Anyone who tells you they were in a sexless marriage is a red flag.
> 
> Well, people are going to lie. When you are first meeting someone, you're far more agreeable, sex is positive, and everyone is on their best behavior. It's like a sales pitch, but you have to see through the bs. I learned that when people talk about their prior marriage and claim it was sexless, believe them. Also, assume they were at least 50% to blame for that. Then ask yourself if you want to go down that road again and run for the hills!


I wasn't to blame for 50% of my sexless marriage!!!!!!!


----------



## RebuildingMe

LisaDiane said:


> I wasn't to blame for 50% of my sexless marriage!!!!!!!


I get that. However, from what I’ve learned, if we were out on a first date and I heard you were in a sexless marriage, I’d probably pass. I’m not getting involved with that again. I’d *assume* you were the one that didn’t want sex or were content with not having it. Either way, it’s now a red flag for me.


----------



## TXTrini

RebuildingMe said:


> I get that. However, from what I’ve learned, if we were out on a first date and I heard you were in a sexless marriage, I’d probably pass. I’m not getting involved with that again. I’d *assume* you were the one that didn’t want sex or were content with not having it. Either way, it’s now a red flag for me.


You know what they say about assuming...


----------



## LisaDiane

RebuildingMe said:


> I get that. However, from what I’ve learned, if we were out on a first date and I heard you were in a sexless marriage, I’d probably pass. I’m not getting involved with that again. I’d *assume* you were the one that didn’t want sex or were content with not having it. Either way, it’s now a red flag for me.


Oh...so YOU were in a sexless marriage too...


----------



## TXTrini

LisaDiane said:


> Oh...so YOU were in a sexless marriage too...


🍿


----------



## RebuildingMe

LisaDiane said:


> Oh...so YOU were in a sexless marriage too...


No, not really. It was more like duty sex once a week. If you are going to try and convince me that men are generally the culprits of a dead bedroom marriage, don’t bother. I’m not buying it. Biology works against that theory.


----------



## Hiner112

LisaDiane said:


> So...for all the dating people who are seriously looking for potential partners (not just casually dating)...HOW do you decide who you are interested in? Is it just opportunity, like who is also interested in you?
> 
> Do you pick someone just based on sexual attraction? Or do you look for things you have in common and can enjoy together??
> 
> How do you decide what is important to have in your relationship and what is worth doing without in a partner?


Honestly, for the relationship I'm in now, she contacted me first. Her first message was a paragraph mentioning my situation and common dealbreakers that I had put in my profile. During our discussions, we found common ground in the military and the end of our relationships (my ex was moving out the same month they were having a miscarriage and finding out about his cheating). We also have big bookshelves and TVs that we rarely turn on.

Sexual attraction is a bit of a tricky subject for me. It is a lot more likely that someone would turn me off with how they act than how they look.

As for what is important and what I can do without, I really only have the marriage to go on. I've been a reader for a long time so I'm going to spend time doing that. I've been a runner almost as long so I'm going to spend time doing that. I've got kids that are going to take up a significant amount of my time for the next several years.

Besides that acceptance of who I am and general attraction between us, I don't have a ton of requirements.


----------



## LisaDiane

RebuildingMe said:


> No, not really. It was more like duty sex once a week. If you are going to try and convince me that men are generally the culprits of a dead bedroom marriage, don’t bother. I’m not buying it. Biology works against that theory.


I am not trying to convince you of that at all...I'm just pointing out that your assumptions are incorrect, and FOR ME, I would talk more and get more information about it before I would jettison the guy because his wife took sex away (or she cheated, or used drugs, or took all his money, etc).

Remember as well that the reasons for a sexless marriage are numerous and varied - she might have had a husband who was cheating, or addicted to porn, or gay...without more details, you could be shooting yourself in the foot.

And in general, people ARE going to lie...so if they want to hide their part in a sexless marriage, why would they mention it at all? If they are willing to talk about it openly, doesn't that show they don't feel responsible and they are vetting YOU as well, to make sure it won't happen to them again?

Because that's how I would WANT to handle it if I were dating a guy...I would want to make it one of the first things he knew about me - that sexual intimacy is one of my primary needs in a relationship and that I WILL NOT tolerate sexlessness again. (NOT that it's prudent to tell that to any guy who buys me dinner or a drink...Lol!!)

That should be a red flag for any guy who doesn't make sex a priority, NOT for the guy who wants an enthusiastic and high drive partner.


----------



## Blondilocks

LisaDiane said:


> If they are willing to talk about it openly, doesn't that show they don't feel responsible and they are vetting YOU as well, to make sure it won't happen to them again?


IIRC, you had a conversation with your STBX and he flat out lied. Believe his *actions *- not his words. A guy who says he's always DTF and then makes a move once in a blue moon tells you beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is trying to put one over on you. Conversely, a guy who says he respects women and then turns into an octopus while standing in line at the grocery store is clearly saying what he thinks you want to hear.


----------



## LisaDiane

Blondilocks said:


> IIRC, you had a conversation with your STBX and he flat out lied. Believe his *actions *- not his words. A guy who says he's always DTF and then makes a move once in a blue moon tells you beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is trying to put one over on you. Conversely, a guy who says he respects women and then turns into an octopus while standing in line at the grocery store is clearly saying what he thinks you want to hear.


YES. This is so true...and if I had been on this site back at the beginning of our relationship, when the red flags were practically smacking me in the face, I never would have been tricked by his words.


----------



## jlg07

LisaDiane said:


> YES. This is so true...and if I had been on this site back at the beginning of our relationship, when the red flags were practically smacking me in the face, I never would have been tricked by his words.


We all live and learn Lisa! We just all have to make sure we LEARN from the mistakes so as to not repeat them (NOT always easy!)


----------



## Affaircare

LisaDiane said:


> So...for all the dating people who are seriously looking for potential partners (not just casually dating)...HOW do you decide who you are interested in? Is it just opportunity, like who is also interested in you?
> 
> Do you pick someone just based on sexual attraction? Or do you look for things you have in common and can enjoy together??
> 
> How do you decide what is important to have in your relationship and what is worth doing without in a partner?


@LisaDiane,

I found this post interesting, so even though I am married, we're still "seriously dating"--can I answer? 

I have never been one to use OLD. After my divorce, I was single for four years and I tried it a few times, figuring it wasn't my style but I'd try to "broaden my horizons" and give it a try. Well...I HATED it! It was NOT for me! I felt like a piece of meat most of the time, as if men were mostly there to find someone into casual sex (which isn't me). There were a few that got passed initial "EWWWW" stage and we'd chat back and forth, but those few tended to be either still married or in some complication with a relationship, and again, that is not me. I did a few dates, and they all acted as if they took me to dinner so now I was obliged to put out, and yep...not me! So I decided OLD was not my style and I never did try again. 

*So HOW did I decide who I was interested in?* Well, I chose to go to events in which I was interested. So I went to a new age class, and a yoga class, and a divorce recovery class, etc. I got to know a few men there, and I get along great with men in general so I figured right off the bat, any person I'd meet would have something in common, right? The funny part is that both Dear Hubby and Beloved Hubby I met online--on marriage forums! LOL You know how I just hang here on TAM and kind of "pay it forward"? Well I was doing that on another forum--and on that forum I agreed with the concepts overall but did not agree that the forum-owner's method was absolute perfection; I thought more could be added or taken away and they didn't tolerate that, so off I went! But while on that forum, there was a guy there who was SO smart it caught my eye. He wrote with humor and dry wit, and from his writing I thought he was a neat person. That's what interests me--someone who has character qualities I admire. Likewise for @Emerging Buddhist. I was aware of his presence here on TAM and when I was married and he was married, I thought by his writing that he was thoughtful and patient and kind. Neat person.

*Do you pick someone just based on sexual attraction? Or do you look for things you have in common and can enjoy together?? * Ummm...see above. I don't start with sexual attraction and move to liking them as people--I start with like the person they are and them the more I know, the more I admire them, the more attracted I am. To this day, I am more and more attracted to Beloved Hubby because I know him better and he really is who he seems to be here on the forum. But in addition, before Dear Hubby and Beloved Hubby both, I actually thought about the kinds of traits I would find HEALTHY and that would be good for me! So I had an idea in my mind that I'd like to find a man who was at least as smart as I am--maybe smarter. I'd like a man who has a sense of humor like mine--at times sarcastically witty and other times down-home humor. I'd like a man who is patient, kind, and loving in ways that I can understand love. I'd like a man who is calm!!! HUGE character requirement actually for me. I'd like a man who is able to be introspective. I require a man who is honest and open naturally. I admire a man who is a leader but not bossy. I'd like a man who is fiscally responsible and lives within his means. I'd like a man who has a spiritual life. You get the drift, right? And to me, in my 40's and then in my later 50's, the "things we have in common" is MUCH more important that sexual attraction because I want a guy who understands my references to 70's stuff and wants to do the activities I do (including sex). To me, almost everyone thinks of sex backward: I like who the person is as a person first, and that attracts me second...not the other way around. Now, I realize that not everyone is alike so if someone isn't me, they may do it differently. But I don't get to the sexual attraction part until I first get the "I like you as a person" part.

*How do you decide what is important to have in your relationship and what is worth doing without in a partner?* Okay one thing I found really amusing as others answered was that driving an hour to see another was too much or too far. LOL  I seriously laughed at that.  My Beloved Hubby lived 7 hours away from me in another state--now granted his state was just north of mine, but still--it's was 7 hours one way! To me, it was a short drive and he was so worth it! Then again, I've been in all 48 contininental states, and I tend to think of traveling distances by "it's just the state next door" or "oh, one state over to the right." Anyway, I thought of our time apart as personal time and also as if he were in a deployment: I'd count down the days. I wrote him a letter every day. We'd text and call every day. And we saw each other about every other weekend for the weekend. To me, the value was in the person and taking the time to get to know the person. And in our relationship, I think we tend to bring out the best in each other or challenge each other to be better... so instead of having XYZ character traits I'd "like to have" and compromising on one of the traits, it's more like all the traits are present and VW too, and how about working on myself so I don't lean on Z so much? 

That being said, there are some things that are absolute, 100% deal breakers for me and for Beloved Hubby, and we have spoken them to each other. Don't lie, cheat or steal. I know for a fact, if I lie, cheat or steal he will leave me and I'll never see him darken my doorstep again, and since he is of value to me, I don't lie, cheat or steal! I also have literal zero tolerance for physical violence against me and a pattern of raging. I won't live with that again. Other than that, I think what's important in a relationship is relating. Relate your thoughts and feelings. Relate your needs and requests. Relate your desires. That's what it's all about, right?


----------



## AVR1962

RebuildingMe said:


> I get that. However, from what I’ve learned, if we were out on a first date and I heard you were in a sexless marriage, I’d probably pass. I’m not getting involved with that again. I’d *assume* you were the one that didn’t want sex or were content with not having it. Either way, it’s now a red flag for me.


I think me assume that it is the woman's fault because men think that all men are willing but that is not the truth of the matter. Some women have a very high sex drive.


----------



## RandomDude

Odd really, nowadays I'm dropping the bomb of being only recently single on 2nd or 3rd message. The response is odd, because they aren't running, seem to be more interested and respond faster 🤷‍♂️

I feel obligated now to take them out for dates but I really can't be bothered and delaying it as much as I can. Wanting a break from all this but then new likes, new matches daily it never ends. Regardless though it does feel nice to still be sexy! Face wise anyways, need to work on my dad bod.


----------



## AVR1962

Affaircare said:


> @LisaDiane,
> 
> I found this post interesting, so even though I am married, we're still "seriously dating"--can I answer?
> 
> I have never been one to use OLD. After my divorce, I was single for four years and I tried it a few times, figuring it wasn't my style but I'd try to "broaden my horizons" and give it a try. Well...I HATED it! It was NOT for me! I felt like a piece of meat most of the time, as if men were mostly there to find someone into casual sex (which isn't me). There were a few that got passed initial "EWWWW" stage and we'd chat back and forth, but those few tended to be either still married or in some complication with a relationship, and again, that is not me. I did a few dates, and they all acted as if they took me to dinner so now I was obliged to put out, and yep...not me! So I decided OLD was not my style and I never did try again.
> 
> *So HOW did I decide who I was interested in?* Well, I chose to go to events in which I was interested. So I went to a new age class, and a yoga class, and a divorce recovery class, etc. I got to know a few men there, and I get along great with men in general so I figured right off the bat, any person I'd meet would have something in common, right? The funny part is that both Dear Hubby and Beloved Hubby I met online--on marriage forums! LOL You know how I just hang here on TAM and kind of "pay it forward"? Well I was doing that on another forum--and on that forum I agreed with the concepts overall but did not agree that the forum-owner's method was absolute perfection; I thought more could be added or taken away and they didn't tolerate that, so off I went! But while on that forum, there was a guy there who was SO smart it caught my eye. He wrote with humor and dry wit, and from his writing I thought he was a neat person. That's what interests me--someone who has character qualities I admire. Likewise for @Emerging Buddhist. I was aware of his presence here on TAM and when I was married and he was married, I thought by his writing that he was thoughtful and patient and kind. Neat person.
> 
> *Do you pick someone just based on sexual attraction? Or do you look for things you have in common and can enjoy together?? * Ummm...see above. I don't start with sexual attraction and move to liking them as people--I start with like the person they are and them the more I know, the more I admire them, the more attracted I am. To this day, I am more and more attracted to Beloved Hubby because I know him better and he really is who he seems to be here on the forum. But in addition, before Dear Hubby and Beloved Hubby both, I actually thought about the kinds of traits I would find HEALTHY and that would be good for me! So I had an idea in my mind that I'd like to find a man who was at least as smart as I am--maybe smarter. I'd like a man who has a sense of humor like mine--at times sarcastically witty and other times down-home humor. I'd like a man who is patient, kind, and loving in ways that I can understand love. I'd like a man who is calm!!! HUGE character requirement actually for me. I'd like a man who is able to be introspective. I require a man who is honest and open naturally. I admire a man who is a leader but not bossy. I'd like a man who is fiscally responsible and lives within his means. I'd like a man who has a spiritual life. You get the drift, right? And to me, in my 40's and then in my later 50's, the "things we have in common" is MUCH more important that sexual attraction because I want a guy who understands my references to 70's stuff and wants to do the activities I do (including sex). To me, almost everyone thinks of sex backward: I like who the person is as a person first, and that attracts me second...not the other way around. Now, I realize that not everyone is alike so if someone isn't me, they may do it differently. But I don't get to the sexual attraction part until I first get the "I like you as a person" part.
> 
> *How do you decide what is important to have in your relationship and what is worth doing without in a partner?* Okay one thing I found really amusing as others answered was that driving an hour to see another was too much or too far. LOL  I seriously laughed at that.  My Beloved Hubby lived 7 hours away from me in another state--now granted his state was just north of mine, but still--it's was 7 hours one way! To me, it was a short drive and he was so worth it! Then again, I've been in all 48 contininental states, and I tend to think of traveling distances by "it's just the state next door" or "oh, one state over to the right." Anyway, I thought of our time apart as personal time and also as if he were in a deployment: I'd count down the days. I wrote him a letter every day. We'd text and call every day. And we saw each other about every other weekend for the weekend. To me, the value was in the person and taking the time to get to know the person. And in our relationship, I think we tend to bring out the best in each other or challenge each other to be better... so instead of having XYZ character traits I'd "like to have" and compromising on one of the traits, it's more like all the traits are present and VW too, and how about working on myself so I don't lean on Z so much?
> 
> That being said, there are some things that are absolute, 100% deal breakers for me and for Beloved Hubby, and we have spoken them to each other. Don't lie, cheat or steal. I know for a fact, if I lie, cheat or steal he will leave me and I'll never see him darken my doorstep again, and since he is of value to me, I don't lie, cheat or steal! I also have literal zero tolerance for physical violence against me and a pattern of raging. I won't live with that again. Other than that, I think what's important in a relationship is relating. Relate your thoughts and feelings. Relate your needs and requests. Relate your desires. That's what it's all about, right?


So many things come into play for me. There first has to be an attraction of some sort. I find myself more attracted to a man with intelligence and a good sense of humor but he must be able to do some long walks as I love to hike. If he is flaking, doesn't come thru with his plans or changes them, I am gone in a heart beat!!!! I also cannot deal with the man who is caught up being the victim or speaks of nothing but negativity. I actually been sexually attracted to someone and then let down in the bedroom. I had a situation where a man who was not Mr Suave and did not ooze with compliments keep after me, thought he was going to be a bore in the bedroom but he surprised the socks off me, lol!!!!! I do have some must....besides the usual and what has been mentioned a great sex life is very important to me. I am still with my "tiger" (as I have mentioned him before), over 2 years now. Sometimes I have to shake myself and ask if I am seeing reality here.


----------



## m.t.t

I'm just here to say I'm super happy at the moment. Life is good, my business is doing well, my now girlfriend and I are having a great time together and are planning a weekend away in a few weeks which she organized for us. It's a surprise destination. We see one another on the weekends and occasionally a week night. Time with her is calm and filled with laughter. I've not really ever had this before and it feels wonderful. It feels right


----------



## Elizabeth001

m.t.t said:


> I'm just here to say I'm super happy at the moment. Life is good, my business is doing well, my now girlfriend and I are having a great time together and are planning a weekend away in a few weeks which she organized for us. It's a surprise destination. We see one another on the weekends and occasionally a week night. Time with her is calm and filled with laughter. I've not really ever had this before and it feels wonderful. It feels right


You go gurl 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## m.t.t

Elizabeth001 said:


> You go gurl
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


thanks !


----------



## 2&out

I'm doing something tonight I haven't done in a very long time.... going on a blind date. LOL. Kind of curious and looking forward to as the person who arranged says she's pretty sure I'm going to like her. She knows me some and that I'm not an especially sensitive sweet serious type guy -- so -- this could be pretty fun. Hoping so.


----------



## hubbyintrubby

2&out said:


> I'm doing something tonight I haven't done in a very long time.... going on a blind date. LOL. Kind of curious and looking forward to as the person who arranged says she's pretty sure I'm going to like her. She knows me some and that I'm not an especially sensitive sweet serious type guy -- so -- this could be pretty fun. Hoping so.


Good luck!!! Hope it goes well!!!


----------



## Lila

{sigh} It was nice while it lasted. SO broke up (again) but I think for the last time. Unfortunately our timing is off. When I wanted a serious commitment, he couldn't do it. Now he wants serious commitment and I just can't. All the on again/off again has, to some extent, numbed me to him where I just don't see him as more than a "happy for now" situation. I think I'm broken and it's only getting worse the longer I'm "single". ☹


----------



## ConanHub

Rats. I'm sorry...


----------



## heartsbeating

Lila said:


> {sigh} It was nice while it lasted. SO broke up (again) but I think for the last time. Unfortunately our timing is off. When I wanted a serious commitment, he couldn't do it. Now he wants serious commitment and I just can't. All the on again/off again has, to some extent, numbed me to him where I just don't see him as more than a "happy for now" situation. I think I'm broken and it's only getting worse the longer I'm "single". ☹


(((( big cuddles ))))


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Lila said:


> {sigh} It was nice while it lasted. SO broke up (again) but I think for the last time. Unfortunately our timing is off. When I wanted a serious commitment, he couldn't do it. Now he wants serious commitment and I just can't. All the on again/off again has, to some extent, numbed me to him where I just don't see him as more than a "happy for now" situation. I think I'm broken and it's only getting worse the longer I'm "single".


I’m sorry it didn’t work out for you Lila. And I know exactly what you mean by that last sentence, I’m right there with you. I just honestly don’t know if I have another relationship left in me. Being on my own is so much easier emotionally and I’m becoming less inclined to share my time. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## TXTrini

Lila said:


> {sigh} It was nice while it lasted. SO broke up (again) but I think for the last time. Unfortunately our timing is off. When I wanted a serious commitment, he couldn't do it. Now he wants serious commitment and I just can't. All the on again/off again has, to some extent, numbed me to him where I just don't see him as more than a "happy for now" situation. I think I'm broken and it's only getting worse the longer I'm "single". ☹


I'm sorry it didn't work out, Lila. Hope you're doing ok.


----------



## Personal

That sux @Lila, I hope you're going okay and have a friend who can share some chocolates with you. And please accept yourself and don't think you're broken.


----------



## Lila

Personal said:


> That sux @Lila, I hope you're going okay and have a friend who can share some chocolates with you. And please accept yourself and don't think you're broken.


Thanks ya'll. 😉 Surprisingly, I'm doing pretty good. This isn't our first break-up rodeo. This one makes 7 in 2 years, but I am done. He wants more from me than I can give.


----------



## Lila

3Xnocharm said:


> I’m sorry it didn’t work out for you Lila. And I know exactly what you mean by that last sentence, I’m right there with you. I just honestly don’t know if I have another relationship left in me. *Being on my own is so much easier emotionally and I’m becoming less inclined to share my time*.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


That last sentence is dead on and I don't think we're unique. Most people our age are less inclined to change and therefore less likely to compromise. No surprise there but I feel like I'm losing my empathy. It's why I said I'm becoming numb. 

We all have baggage but I find myself saying "deal with it, then come talk to me" instead of offering support. I understand that's not how relationships work which is why I'm less inclined to get into one. Or maybe this is all something specific to my ex SO. I won't know until I get out there and start dating again.


----------



## lifeistooshort

@Lila I'm curious what you mean by commitment? You said that you wanted one and he didn't but then he wanted one and you didn't. I know what commitment means to me but I've learned that it can mean different things to different people.

What does it mean to you and what did it mean to your now ex?


----------



## Lila

lifeistooshort said:


> @Lila I'm curious what you mean by commitment? You said that you wanted one and he didn't but then he wanted one and you didn't. I know what commitment means to me but I've learned that it can mean different things to different people.
> 
> What does it mean to you and what did it mean to your now ex?


When I say commitment, I mean a relationship where there is compromise and mutual support through thick and thin. That's what I wanted from him when we first started dating but he was not in a place to give that to me. I accepted what he could offer and found that I really enjoyed it. 

I have previously described him as my FWB because for all intents and purposes, that's what he was. FWB in this case means Fair Weather Buddies. I knew about his baggage, he never exposed me to it. The times we broke up were because he wanted to change me. He cannot agree to disagree. 

Now he wants what I wanted at the beginning and I just don't have it in me. He has a lot of baggage. Comparatively speaking, his baggage is the size of a horse; mine is the size of a hamster. He wants all of the support that comes with having a truly committed relationship. I want to stay fair weather buddies. And this isn't to say that he's not willing to meet all of my needs but i question at what price to me? 

I'm not even sure if this is just an issue I have with him or if it's how I've evolved since my divorce. I have become rather selfish with my time and energy. Is this normal?


----------



## Not

I think it's normal Lila. You know what you want for you and that might change as the relationship evolves over time and that's ok. 

I think of it like this. In order to know what you want with someone you have to have all the information required in order to make an informed choice but new relationships are always changing because new information is always coming in. So what we want with someone will likely change over time, even several times. Especially with someone who has issues/baggage.


----------



## ccpowerslave

Lila said:


> I have become rather selfish with my time and energy. Is this normal?


I think as we get older and gain wisdom we gradually learn what is important to us and with limited time remaining we tend to act on those learnings.

I started out selfish with my time and energy and over my life became less so. There were things I wanted that required me to be less selfish with my time, so I bent (but I didn’t break). I’m still the same person I just act differently than I would have 20 years ago.

So yes I think it’s normal. Your life experience has led you to where you’re at now and you’re prioritizing how you spend your time to make yourself happy now.


----------



## Lila

Not said:


> I think it's normal Lila. You know what you want for you and that might change as the relationship evolves over time and that's ok.
> 
> I think of it like this. In order to know what you want with someone you have to have all the information required in order to make an informed choice but new relationships are always changing because new information is always coming in. So what we want with someone will likely change over time, even several times. Especially with someone who has issues/baggage.


@Not !!! So good to see you posting again. Enough about my problems. How the heck have you been?


----------



## Lila

ccpowerslave said:


> I think as we get older and gain wisdom we gradually learn what is important to us and with limited time remaining we tend to act on those learnings.
> 
> I started out selfish with my time and energy and over my life became less so. There were things I wanted that required me to be less selfish with my time, so I bent (but I didn’t break). I’m still the same person I just act differently than I would have 20 years ago.
> 
> So yes I think it’s normal. Your life experience has led you to where you’re at now and you’re prioritizing how you spend your time to make yourself happy now.



I started out as much less selfish with my time and energy and, due to life experiences, have become more so. 

It's my battle. Where do I draw the line between being vulnerable and open enough to allow someone in to my life, and protecting myself from being taken advantage of and hurt? Rhetorical question.


----------



## ccpowerslave

Lila said:


> It's my battle. Where do I draw the line between being vulnerable and open enough to allow someone in to my life, and protecting myself from being taken advantage of and hurt? Rhetorical question.


That’s a tough one. I’m the type who believes in no risk, no reward. 

Living with a woman to me seems like the natural state of things so I’m sure if I was single I would eventually risk probably half of whatever property I have and my mental state by getting married again. That is the natural state of things in my mind so I would seek that out.


----------



## Not

Lila said:


> @Not !!! So good to see you posting again. Enough about my problems. How the heck have you been?



I am alright! Went round and round with Tank and finally walked away a month ago. He's got some baggage too, we all do, and I stayed for 18 months waiting to see if he could pull himself out of the behaviors his low self confidence produced. I thought if I could hang in there long enough to show him he had nothing to worry about, show him that I truly did care that he'd relax and stop with the dominating/clingy behavior that eventually led to further damaging behavior. He just can't trust that anyone can truly love him and this belief in his low value dominates all areas of his life. 

It's sad to see this in someone and brings out the rescuer in me. I wanted to help him. I do love him but I can't help him love himself. And I had to walk away from this place. I wanted to do this on my own, think for myself and I'm proud of myself. Every time he sunk I stood firm with my boundaries but at the same time gave him nothing but kindness. I've grown from this experience and feel it's something I really needed, opened my eyes to how I hadn't valued myself very highly when I met him.

I hope he learns from this as well. I miss the happy parts of him and wish him nothing but the best but know it's up to him to get himself there, where the best is waiting for him.

Soooo, now I'm moving forward lol! I'm taking myself either to the movies or the casino tonight, haven't decided yet! I've grieved hard for a month, time to pick myself up and march onward. Start moving again. Also, a guy I was talking to off and on two years ago contacted me Sunday, after 18 months. Kind of a weird co-incidence so I'm following it simply out of curiosity. Zero expectations. If he shows a strong interest he's going to have to be one hell of guy to even peek my interest.

And that's been my life in a nutshell since I left. Oh and my family, who moved in with me back in April? They moved again last month. South Dakota lol! They're roaming the countryside! Loved having them here and they were a great support for me during my Tank experience.


----------



## TXTrini

Lila said:


> When I say commitment, I mean a relationship where there is compromise and mutual support through thick and thin. That's what I wanted from him when we first started dating but he was not in a place to give that to me. I accepted what he could offer and found that I really enjoyed it.
> 
> I have previously described him as my FWB because for all intents and purposes, that's what he was. FWB in this case means Fair Weather Buddies. I knew about his baggage, he never exposed me to it. The times we broke up were because he wanted to change me. He cannot agree to disagree.
> 
> Now he wants what I wanted at the beginning and I just don't have it in me. He has a lot of baggage. Comparatively speaking, his baggage is the size of a horse; mine is the size of a hamster. He wants all of the support that comes with having a truly committed relationship. I want to stay fair weather buddies. And this isn't to say that he's not willing to meet all of my needs but i question at what price to me?
> 
> I'm not even sure if this is just an issue I have with him or if it's how I've evolved since my divorce. I have become rather selfish with my time and energy. Is this normal?


Is he really that needy? It's hard to understand without specifics, but anyway, now isn't the time for fixing, just support. I'm sorry you two weren't able to work things out in a mutually satisfactory manner. 



Lila said:


> I started out as much less selfish with my time and energy and, due to life experiences, have become more so.
> 
> It's my battle. Where do I draw the line between being vulnerable and open enough to allow someone in to my life, and protecting myself from being taken advantage of and hurt? Rhetorical question.


This is a tough one, eh? I think everyone deals with this to an extent, even if they're in a relationship once they're been divorced, especially if it was messy.


----------



## TXTrini

Not said:


> I am alright! Went round and round with Tank and finally walked away a month ago. He's got some baggage too, we all do, and I stayed for 18 months waiting to see if he could pull himself out of the behaviors his low self confidence produced. I thought if I could hang in there long enough to show him he had nothing to worry about, show him that I truly did care that he'd relax and stop with the dominating/clingy behavior that eventually led to further damaging behavior. He just can't trust that anyone can truly love him and this belief in his low value dominates all areas of his life.
> 
> It's sad to see this in someone and brings out the rescuer in me. I wanted to help him. I do love him but I can't help him love himself. And I had to walk away from this place. I wanted to do this on my own, think for myself and I'm proud of myself. Every time he sunk I stood firm with my boundaries but at the same time gave him nothing but kindness. I've grown from this experience and feel it's something I really needed, opened my eyes to how I hadn't valued myself very highly when I met him.
> 
> I hope he learns from this as well. I miss the happy parts of him and wish him nothing but the best but know it's up to him to get himself there, where the best is waiting for him.
> 
> Soooo, now I'm moving forward lol! I'm taking myself either to the movies or the casino tonight, haven't decided yet! I've grieved hard for a month, time to pick myself up and march onward. Start moving again. Also, a guy I was talking to off and on two years ago contacted me Sunday, after 18 months. Kind of a weird co-incidence so I'm following it simply out of curiosity. Zero expectations. If he shows a strong interest he's going to have to be one hell of guy to even peek my interest.
> 
> And that's been my life in a nutshell since I left. Oh and my family, who moved in with me back in April? They moved again last month. South Dakota lol! They're roaming the countryside! Loved having them here and they were a great support for me during my Tank experience.


Hey chick,
Glad to see you back, but so sad about the circumstances. I'm happy you got to reconnect with your family, though, it sounds like you guys really all needed each other.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Good for you, Not! It’s so hard to allow yourself to NOT try and fix someone. I’ve always done it and when I didn’t let myself to get sucked into it with a friend last year I was so proud of myself! 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## RandomDude

Lila said:


> I started out as much less selfish with my time and energy and, due to life experiences, have become more so.
> 
> It's my battle. Where do I draw the line between being vulnerable and open enough to allow someone in to my life, and protecting myself from being taken advantage of and hurt? Rhetorical question.


It's ok to not want to deal with their baggage. But never fear to love or be vulnerable - and that's coming from someone also in break up freshness.
It's better to move on knowing you gave it your all with no regrets than to look back knowing you could have given more.


----------



## RandomDude

@Lila

Song for you


----------



## lifeistooshort

Lila said:


> When I say commitment, I mean a relationship where there is compromise and mutual support through thick and thin. That's what I wanted from him when we first started dating but he was not in a place to give that to me. I accepted what he could offer and found that I really enjoyed it.
> 
> I have previously described him as my FWB because for all intents and purposes, that's what he was. FWB in this case means Fair Weather Buddies. I knew about his baggage, he never exposed me to it. The times we broke up were because he wanted to change me. He cannot agree to disagree.
> 
> Now he wants what I wanted at the beginning and I just don't have it in me. He has a lot of baggage. Comparatively speaking, his baggage is the size of a horse; mine is the size of a hamster. He wants all of the support that comes with having a truly committed relationship. I want to stay fair weather buddies. And this isn't to say that he's not willing to meet all of my needs but i question at what price to me?
> 
> I'm not even sure if this is just an issue I have with him or if it's how I've evolved since my divorce. I have become rather selfish with my time and energy. Is this normal?



Interesting. Do you think he decided he wanted it as what he saw as a natural give and take progression of the relationship, or what you could do for him?

It's tough when there is a big difference in baggage as someone always has to give a lot more then the other. There's a lot of potential for resentment


----------



## lifeistooshort

RandomDude said:


> It's ok to not want to deal with their baggage. But never fear to love or be vulnerable - and that's coming from someone also in break up freshness.
> It's better to move on knowing you gave it your all with no regrets than to look back knowing you could have given more.


That's great advice. No vulnerability is safer but it can be lonely, and reward requires risk...that's life 

My father used to say that the stock market isn't for the faint of heart but the rewards can be great if you can stomach the risks and beatings. That advice could be applied to relationships too.

Of course one should always practice reasonable risk mitigation.


----------



## LisaDiane

Lila said:


> {sigh} It was nice while it lasted. SO broke up (again) but I think for the last time. Unfortunately our timing is off. When I wanted a serious commitment, he couldn't do it. Now he wants serious commitment and I just can't. All the on again/off again has, to some extent, numbed me to him where I just don't see him as more than a "happy for now" situation. I think I'm broken and it's only getting worse the longer I'm "single". ☹


I'm really sorry things didn't turn out the way you wanted...but I definitely DO NOT think you are "broken" at all!!!


----------



## Lila

Not said:


> I am alright! Went round and round with Tank and finally walked away a month ago. He's got some baggage too, we all do, and I stayed for 18 months waiting to see if he could pull himself out of the behaviors his low self confidence produced. I thought if I could hang in there long enough to show him he had nothing to worry about, show him that I truly did care that he'd relax and stop with the dominating/clingy behavior that eventually led to further damaging behavior. He just can't trust that anyone can truly love him and this belief in his low value dominates all areas of his life.
> 
> It's sad to see this in someone and brings out the rescuer in me. I wanted to help him. I do love him but I can't help him love himself. And I had to walk away from this place. I wanted to do this on my own, think for myself and I'm proud of myself. Every time he sunk I stood firm with my boundaries but at the same time gave him nothing but kindness. I've grown from this experience and feel it's something I really needed, opened my eyes to how I hadn't valued myself very highly when I met him.
> 
> I hope he learns from this as well. I miss the happy parts of him and wish him nothing but the best but know it's up to him to get himself there, where the best is waiting for him.
> 
> Soooo, now I'm moving forward lol! I'm taking myself either to the movies or the casino tonight, haven't decided yet! I've grieved hard for a month, time to pick myself up and march onward. Start moving again. Also, a guy I was talking to off and on two years ago contacted me Sunday, after 18 months. Kind of a weird co-incidence so I'm following it simply out of curiosity. Zero expectations. If he shows a strong interest he's going to have to be one hell of guy to even peek my interest.
> 
> And that's been my life in a nutshell since I left. Oh and my family, who moved in with me back in April? They moved again last month. South Dakota lol! They're roaming the countryside! Loved having them here and they were a great support for me during my Tank experience.


I'm sorry to hear things didn't work with tank but reading your post it sounds like you are healthier for having had the experience. 

How are you handling the empty house again now that the kiddos have moved away?


----------



## Lila

TXTrini said:


> Is he really that needy? It's hard to understand without specifics, but anyway, now isn't the time for fixing, just support. I'm sorry you two weren't able to work things out in a mutually satisfactory manner.


He can be needy which is a complete 180 from where we were at at the start. He's just someone who wants what he wants when he wants it. He has always had a lot of power over me but I'm just not at the same place I was 2 years ago. I'm more indifferent if that makes sense.


----------



## Lila

LisaDiane said:


> I'm really sorry things didn't turn out the way you wanted...but I definitely DO NOT think you are "broken" at all!!!


Thank you @LisaDiane. I guess I just haven't found the right person to want to give up anything for.


----------



## Lila

RandomDude said:


> It's ok to not want to deal with their baggage. But never fear to love or be vulnerable - and that's coming from someone also in break up freshness.
> It's better to move on knowing you gave it your all with no regrets than to look back knowing you could have given more.


This is great advice. I do wonder, how do you know when the person is the one to go all in with? I fear I've lost that ability to connect to that level.


----------



## Lila

RandomDude said:


> @Lila
> 
> Song for you


Lol. That's a good one but this is probably closer to what I'm feeling right now.


----------



## TXTrini

Lila said:


> He can be needy which is a complete 180 from where we were at at the start. He's just someone who wants what he wants when he wants it. He has always had a lot of power over me but I'm just not at the same place I was 2 years ago. I'm more indifferent if that makes sense.


That doesn't sound healthy, it sounds selfish manipulative. I think you dodged a bullet.



Lila said:


> Thank you @LisaDiane. I guess I just haven't found the right person to want to give up anything for.


Probably not, keep looking once you're motivated again. Sounds like he did a number on you.


----------



## Not

Just talking out loud. 

I think the biggest thing I learned with Tank is chemistry does not equal compatibility. I'd heard this but had never experienced it first hand. We were so on fire for each other, even up to the very end. It never died down or lessened in anyway. And I honestly believe that chemistry would have kept us going for lots longer if I hadn't walked. Like years. That tricks you into believing you can make it through anything. Not true.

I'm mourning the loss of that chemistry but celebrating the loss of the incompatibility. God I do not miss all the miscommunicating lol!


----------



## TXTrini

Not said:


> Just talking out loud.
> 
> I think the biggest thing I learned with Tank is chemistry does not equal compatibility. I'd heard this but had never experienced it first hand. We were so on fire for each other, even up to the very end. It never died down or lessened in anyway. And I honestly believe that chemistry would have kept us going for lots longer if I hadn't walked. Like years. That tricks you into believing you can make it through anything. Not true.
> 
> I'm mourning the loss of that chemistry but celebrating the loss of the incompatibility. God I do not miss all the miscommunicating lol!


I'm glad you reconciled that, hon. The level of miscommunication you described sounds draining! How are you doing?


----------



## Not

TXTrini said:


> I'm glad you reconciled that, hon. The level of miscommunication you described sounds draining! How are you doing?


I'm good. Actually surprised at how OK I am with it. It's helpful too that he went radio silent right away. He had one outburst two weeks ago via text, chewed me out for unfriending him on FB, but silence ever since. I think this is his way of punishing me but it's been so helpful not having him all up in my "face".


----------



## TXTrini

Not said:


> I'm good. Actually surprised at how OK I am with it. It's helpful too that he went radio silent right away. He had one outburst two weeks ago via text, chewed me out for unfriending him on FB, but silence ever since. I think this is his way of punishing me but it's been so helpful not having him all up in my "face".


Oh, good! Hopefully, he'll stay radio silent, so you can recoup. What did he expect though after a breakup? People don't stay besties. 

How did the kids take everything?


----------



## Not

TXTrini said:


> Oh, good! Hopefully, he'll stay radio silent, so you can recoup. What did he expect though after a breakup? People don't stay besties.
> 
> How did the kids take everything?


FB was his last and only way to keep tabs on me. He was sooooo angry and got pretty mean about the FB thing. Told me he's going to change the locks on his house and called me a dumbass. Sort of lost it. I wasn't mad though, I know he's hurt and just lashing out. My sister thinks he's most likely going crazy not knowing what I'm doing or who I'm doing it with. I don't know that I believe the silence will actually last but we'll see. I'm hopeful. 

My girls are sad, they got used to him being around and actually had started to enjoy his company. Not fun for any of us.


----------



## TXTrini

Not said:


> FB was his last and only way to keep tabs on me. He was sooooo angry and got pretty mean about the FB thing. Told me he's going to change the locks on his house and called me a dumbass. Sort of lost it. I wasn't mad though, I know he's hurt and just lashing out. My sister thinks he's most likely going crazy not knowing what I'm doing or who I'm doing it with. I don't know that I believe the silence will actually last but we'll see. I'm hopeful.
> 
> My girls are sad, they got used to him being around and actually had started to enjoy his company. Not fun for any of us.


Oh wow! 

Girl, that's so not acceptable! You're the one who should change your locks if you haven't already! I don't GAF how hurt people are, going psycho speaks volumes about them. 

Have you considered blocking him? There's no reason why you should accept these outbursts, you guys have already been back and forth trying to make things work, presumably everything that needed to be said already was.


----------



## Not

TXTrini said:


> Oh wow!
> 
> Girl, that's so not acceptable! You're the one who should change your locks if you haven't already! I don't GAF how hurt people are, going psycho speaks volumes about them.
> 
> Have you considered blocking him? There's no reason why you should accept these outbursts, you guys have already been back and forth trying to make things work, presumably everything that needed to be said already was.


Yep, he’s blocked. He’s an extreme person. When we broke up in May we had to meet to exchange our things and he pulled up on his bike at the meeting spot blasting Crazy ***** by Buck Cherry, very insulting. By the time I got home I had a text from him apologizing and pouring his heart out. He always feels horrible afterwards.

I got to know him very well so I know he feels terrible about his behavior right now but I won’t accept the massive emotional swings anymore. I tried. The last time, a month ago, was the last time. I think he understands that.

With all of that said, I’m not worried about him doing anything to me. He cares way to much.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

@Not you’re doing great, I’m so proud of how you’re handling yourself! 

You are 100% correct about chemistry not equaling compatibility. I swear chemistry is like a drug addiction for me. I have always let myself get swept up in it, and would let it consume me. I’m finally learning from it I think. I have been out with this one guy a few times now, and I know he likes me but he isn’t being overbearing and isn’t love bombing me. In the past this would have upset me because I would have taken it as lack of interest. But it fits where I am now mentally and it’s keeping me from losing my mind and my sense of self. He’s doing everything right so far and I’m feeling like there has been some growth on my part, so I’m proud of myself so far. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## TXTrini

Not said:


> Yep, he’s blocked. He’s an extreme person. When we broke up in May we had to meet to exchange our things and he pulled up on his bike at the meeting spot blasting Crazy *** by Buck Cherry, very insulting. By the time I got home I had a text from him apologizing and pouring his heart out. He always feels horrible afterwards.
> 
> I got to know him very well so I know he feels terrible about his behavior right now but I won’t accept the massive emotional swings anymore. I tried. The last time, a month ago, was the last time. I think he understands that.
> 
> With all of that said, I’m not worried about him doing anything to me. He cares way to much.


Good! 

Hmmm, if he cared way too much, he wouldn't blow up at you like that. Stay safe, hon.


----------



## lifeistooshort

Not said:


> Yep, he’s blocked. He’s an extreme person. When we broke up in May we had to meet to exchange our things and he pulled up on his bike at the meeting spot blasting Crazy *** by Buck Cherry, very insulting. By the time I got home I had a text from him apologizing and pouring his heart out. He always feels horrible afterwards.
> 
> I got to know him very well so I know he feels terrible about his behavior right now but I won’t accept the massive emotional swings anymore. I tried. The last time, a month ago, was the last time. I think he understands that.
> 
> With all of that said, I’m not worried about him doing anything to me. He cares way to much.


Ugh.....I'm sure I don't have to tell you this but that's textbook abuser behavior.

Being a nasty jerk and then feeling bad later? Everyone can be a jerk and feel bad about it sometimes but when there's a pattern you cross into abuser territory.

Needs to track you? Showing up at your house playing "crazy *****"? That's deliberate behavior that would likely escalate.

Don't discount the value of compatibility even where attraction is concerned. If there's even a base level of attraction it will grow with the connection compatibility brings. That's what happened to me.. .bf really grew on me as we spent more time together. We're almost 3 years in and spend a lot of time together and don't butt heads much. And I certainly don't report where I am 100% of the time nor does he, though we do check in a lot because we want to. 

Please hold out for someone you have some attraction to who is also compatible and stable. A lot of attraction can build from feeling safe with a guy.


----------



## Not

3Xnocharm said:


> @Not you’re doing great, I’m so proud of how you’re handling yourself!
> 
> You are 100% correct about chemistry not equaling compatibility. I swear chemistry is like a drug addiction for me. I have always let myself get swept up in it, and would let it consume me. I’m finally learning from it I think. I have been out with this one guy a few times now, and I know he likes me but he isn’t being overbearing and isn’t love bombing me. In the past this would have upset me because I would have taken it as lack of interest. But it fits where I am now mentally and it’s keeping me from losing my mind and my sense of self. He’s doing everything right so far and I’m feeling like there has been some growth on my part, so I’m proud of myself so far.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Thank you 3x! I feel like I’ve come along way since I first came to Tam and it feels gooood lol!

I had never experienced chemistry like I did with Tank and oh my gawd it _is_ addicting, it’s what had me going back to him in June even though I knew in my bones it was a mistake. My good sense of judgement was out the door.

I hope things with your new guy continue to progress in the healthy way you describe. It sounds like there is chemistry between you but also like your both doing things the right way and not letting yourselves get swept away. Takes a lot of restraint but so worth it in the end!

High chemistry and low or no compatibility is a recipe for disaster. Check, lesson learned.


----------



## Openminded

The thing is, Not … HE’S the one who’s crazy. That was obvious in the spring when you broke up with him. Is that maybe why you left TAM, because you knew we’d tell you to stay away from him when you decided to get back together?


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## Not

lifeistooshort said:


> Ugh.....I'm sure I don't have to tell you this but that's textbook abuser behavior.
> 
> Being a nasty jerk and then feeling bad later? Everyone can be a jerk and feel bad about it sometimes but when there's a pattern you cross into abuser territory.
> 
> Needs to track you? Showing up at your house playing "crazy ***"? That's deliberate behavior that would likely escalate.
> 
> Don't discount the value of compatibility even where attraction is concerned. If there's even a base level of attraction it will grow with the connection compatibility brings. That's what happened to me.. .bf really grew on me as we spent more time together. We're almost 3 years in and spend a lot of time together and don't butt heads much. And I certainly don't report where I am 100% of the time nor does he, though we do check in a lot because we want to.
> 
> Please hold out for someone you have some attraction to who is also compatible and stable. A lot of attraction can build from feeling safe with a guy.


Thank you life. Yeah, he’s controlling so between that and his emotional instability I got out. My family saw the controlling behavior too and we talked about that a lot. I’m the type who feels I need to try help someone and that’s something I need to work on. Valuable lesson for me.


----------



## Not

Openminded said:


> The thing is, Not … HE’S the one who’s crazy. That was obvious in the spring when you broke up with him. Is that maybe why you left TAM, because you knew we’d tell you to stay away from him when you decided to get back together?


No, I left because I wanted to do this on my own. I needed to see this through using just my own sense of judgement. I needed to know that I can trust myself to do what’s best for me.


----------



## TXTrini

3Xnocharm said:


> I have been out with this one guy a few times now, and I know he likes me but he isn’t being overbearing and isn’t love bombing me. In the past this would have upset me because I would have taken it as lack of interest. But it fits where I am now mentally and it’s keeping me from losing my mind and my sense of self. He’s doing everything right so far and I’m feeling like there has been some growth on my part, so I’m proud of myself so far.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Tell me all about this delicious dish, darling!


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## lifeistooshort

Not said:


> Thank you life. Yeah, he’s controlling so between that and his emotional instability I got out. My family saw the controlling behavior too and we talked about that a lot. I’m the type who feels I need to try help someone and that’s something I need to work on. Valuable lesson for me.


I understand. Abusers are often great when they're not abusing, so it's easy to get into the mindset of what YOU can do differently to see less of the abuse and more of the great. If they were jerks all the time it would be much easier to dump them.

But even when you're not with an abuser searching for what you can do differently is sign number one of incompatibility. I did it with my ex too.....the fact that I felt like I had to bottle up my feelings to keep his highness from being uncomfortable should've told me we were incompatible. Instead I wasted 13 years.

Oh well....water under the bridge for both of us.


----------



## Openminded

Not said:


> No, I left because I wanted to do this on my own. I needed to see this through using just my own sense of judgement. I needed to know that I can trust myself to do what’s best for me.


I was involved for a long time with someone much like him. They rarely get the help they need, unfortunately.


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## RandomDude

Argh... high chemistry, low compatibility, mine dragged on for 4 years because of it. I'm having issues with comparisons now, like I'm casually talking to very decent new women, late 30s, mature, incredible amounts of depth and insight. But they just seem so... normal? I only fell in love via a storm.

So far with one kinda asked too many questions about one who never had a relationship longer than half a year, think she got the message it's a red flag for me lol. Others I just let drift away into ghosty silence. Only one I'm interested in continuing a conversation with because she doesn't do small talk + hot, but I'm waiting for the break I have with no matches then cutting loose!

Nah, dont think I can compromise with high chemistry, rather be single than be normal I think. I find it strange I re-embraced all the joys of singledom I missed so quickly. A normal, low/mid chemistry relationship? Meh. What's the point really? Cuddles and sex? Hell, I also can't believe I stopped missing cuddles? I thought I could never live without it but now I'm so meh. Expensive body pillow for the win!


----------



## Not

I feel the same way Random. I don’t want normal either. Now that I’ve experienced that kind of fire with someone I won’t accept anything less. I would however accept normal in compatibility lol! 😉


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## RandomDude

Not said:


> I feel the same way Random. I don’t want normal either. Now that I’ve experienced that kind of fire with someone I won’t accept anything less. I would however accept normal in compatibility lol! 😉


Lol yeah can settle for mid-compatibility too but not chemistry 

I just hope that's not a bad hope for either of us!


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## Numb26

Another story from the trenches....

So she told me that she doesn't eat scalloped potatoes because "she doesn't like seafood".

It was at that moment I knew she was dumb enough to sleep with me. SMH


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## ccpowerslave

Numb26 said:


> It was at that moment I knew she was dumb enough to sleep with me. SMH


That’d be a guaranteed boner killer for me. Nope. That’s where you need to signal your wingman to give you the mom’s in the hospital bail out text.


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## Numb26

ccpowerslave said:


> That’d be a guaranteed boner killer for me. Nope. That’s where you need to signal your wingman to give you the mom’s in the hospital bail out text.


It was a one and done thing


----------



## RandomDude

So I met someone in the exact same position I am, having broke up during lockdown. She's clearly not over it, and admits she wants relief from the pain... aka I want a rebound. Frightening thing is that she has ex's eyes too so she might make me think of ex more than other women. Yet why does it feel like a godsend to meet someone in the same place I am?

I anticipate lots of sex, ******** words, and a realisation after a few months that we used each other. I'M IN!  Finally, a decent FWB that may actually work no dramas and they even leave themselves at the end. We have been honest with each other from get go, I like that.


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## ConanHub

Numb26 said:


> Another story from the trenches....
> 
> So she told me that she doesn't eat scalloped potatoes because "she doesn't like seafood".
> 
> It was at that moment I knew she was dumb enough to sleep with me. SMH


She wasn't a belly dancer was she?


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## Numb26

ConanHub said:


> She wasn't a belly dancer was she?


No, she is a paralegal


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## Affaircare

Numb26 said:


> No, she is a paralegal


Well...that partially explains why the legal system is what it is.


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## Emerging Buddhist

Bagage is often talk here on TAM, and often in this thread so I would like to share some thoughts.

We all have baggage that is carried as we move in and out of life's experiences. Even the relationship experiences that seem stable, we decide what practices to carry with us as we wade through the interactions of intimate life with another (both emotional and physical).

I am reminded I spent 30 years in a relationship that was hard for both sides. What made it hard was that the baggage lessons we both came into the relationship with were morphed into "super-baggage" of incompatibility that could be weaponized at any time in disagreements. I fought wanting to be what was natural in me (spiritual, more traditional, pride of service and country for example) while she I believe fought to change me into something she needed for her compatibility.

If I had a penny for every time I was told I was "broken" or "needed to work on myself", I think I'd have about $646.49...

Fighting fire with fire is bad chemistry... big blow ups in time would land in big make ups, but it is hard to regrow anything quickly on scorched earth, it takes time and the right conditions that it seems we never take the time to learn and employ.

In our 30's we may find the patience and have the time to make a relationship valued and improved... in our 50's we think "who has time"? In my 40's I had a spiritual awakening after a particularly hard row with my ex where I found myself once again on top of all the baggage I had acquired, and realized this was not the mountain I sought. Deciding the accumulation of mine, ours, and hers was far too much to carry anymore, I began my journey to emergence.

I wanted to walk this with my former spouse, but she would have none of it as my spiritual "fad" toward learning was constantly scoffed, but I accepted the only control we have is in ourselves so began to lighten and discard the harmful as "do no harm" must start in ourselves.

When we love ourselves enough, we ask ourselves the hard questions... often it comes down to "am I getting what I need to be healthy in all things?" without really realizing what that need is, and we often look for it far too often elsewhere. When we start removing the harmful baggage in our lives we begin to find not just a lighter load, but the ability to see more clearly as our navigation is less obscured by the amount of baggage that built walls. Seeing more clearly also allows us to see the ownership of the bags that have been combined in our journey so we can say "that one is not mine to carry unless I am strong enough to offer help or help is asked of me and I am capable".

Love wants us to be capable of helping to carry the baggage of those we love, but we all know healthy strength does not come without training, but the problem is that unhealthy strength is trained for also. Fighting in relationships builds unhealthy baggage strength, a kind of "steroid" which are just as strong but in the negative. Retraining the mind in kind and loving thoughts even when we don't want to be kind and loving counters the fighting with compassion and if we have an understanding of the experience, empathy. I learned quickly about respect in these times where my kindness was dismissed, my asked for boundary of respect from another had ended.

These are not easy transitions, and the longer you are "using" the actions that build unmindful baggage the harder it is to move from unhealthy to healthy, but it is worth every moment to begin being healthy and mindful no matter the level of use, and it takes time although the outcome may not be the expected, but the necessary.

In some ways, I trained for the end of my marriage... in the night before the divorce was asked for she mentioned she was not at the place I was and asked/told me "what if this is as good as it gets"?

Brinkmanship is not a game played lightly...

I shared in a "love yourself more moment" that more was needed and it was ended in those words that end marriages the next day. As she showed me in actions she was serious about seperating and how the timing coincided with other plans she had, I showed her in actions I do not believe in separation and filed, no new baggage collected. My biggest hurt was how disposable we can be to others and that was in itself a journey to a new level of understanding.

After my time on the beach when the divorce was to be decreed both sharing my frustrations of disposability with the surf and refilling it anew with awareness, I realized that while I was walking off the beach for the last time only the good baggage with me I was ready to be wherever I was.

And Cindy walked into my life... better things cannot happen unless other things end for the right reasons.

Perhaps this is not the right thread for this post, I may move it but for now, here is where I am.

Peace be with you.


----------



## LisaDiane

ConanHub said:


> She wasn't a belly dancer was she?


What's wrong with belly dancers?? Lol!!! 

Unless you meant PROFESSIONAL belly dancer...?


----------



## ConanHub

LisaDiane said:


> What's wrong with belly dancers?? Lol!!!
> 
> Unless you meant PROFESSIONAL belly dancer...?


The belly dancer I was talking about had a similar intellect.😵‍💫


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## LisaDiane

ConanHub said:


> The belly dancer I was talking about had a similar intellect.😵‍💫


Lolol!!!!!
Maybe she just confused scalloped potatoes with scallops...maybe she was just nervous...?? 

I'm guessing I'm going to sound RIDICULOUS if I ever start dating again, with my tendency to find everything funny and (over) "share" my thoughts, especially when I'm nervously trying to explain something...Lol!!!

Anyone who would judge my intellect on a first meeting would be making a MISTAKE!!

Oh, and I've also done some belly dancing, along with a few other women on here, if I remember correctly...Lol!!


----------



## ConanHub

LisaDiane said:


> Lolol!!!!!
> Maybe she just confused scalloped potatoes with scallops...maybe she was just nervous...??
> 
> I'm guessing I'm going to sound RIDICULOUS if I ever start dating again, with my tendency to find everything funny and (over) "share" my thoughts, especially when I'm nervously trying to explain something...Lol!!!
> 
> Anyone who would judge my intellect on a first meeting would be making a MISTAKE!!
> 
> Oh, and I've also done some belly dancing, along with a few other women on here, if I remember correctly...Lol!!


I spent enough time with her, unfortunately, to verify her stupidity. She was extremely hot though.😏


----------



## RandomDude

edit: nvm, random vent, just needed to type it out


----------



## Lila

LisaDiane said:


> Oh, and I've also done some belly dancing, along with a few other women on here, if I remember correctly...Lol!!


I have one better. I took pole dancing.... for years. And I'm pretty good at it. 😉. Only three men have experienced the Lila pole dancing experience. The rest let their assumptions known before I let them in on the secret. Their loss 🤷‍♀️.


----------



## Lila

I have gotten to an age where a kiss tells me everything I need to know about sexual compatibility. 

Went out with a guy. We were getting along great and then he kissed me. And even after explaining to him that I fall into the category of "gentle, romantic lover" he tried to dominate my face with an aggressive kiss. Back to the drawing board.


----------



## RandomDude

Lila said:


> I have gotten to an age where a kiss tells me everything I need to know about sexual compatibility.
> 
> Went out with a guy. We were getting along great and then he kissed me. And even after explaining to him that I fall into the category of "gentle, romantic lover" he tried to dominate my face with an aggressive kiss. Back to the drawing board.


Hahahaha and this is why they say for guys to go easy on the first kiss and if they want to have the all wet stuff do it later once both are on board with it.
Guess he missed that memo!

I managed to find quite an intriguing click with someone recently who I have a lot in common with and the volume of messages sent back and forth last few days is like the volume of some women I've chatted to for months. Only real red flag is that we are likely both not ready for a relationship haha - Yet she's the only one I find myself motivated to take out, the rest is like... meh, think I'll keep you around as a popup on my phone from time to time until you ghost lol.


----------



## Lila

RandomDude said:


> Hahahaha and this is why they say for guys to go easy on the first kiss and if they want to have the all wet stuff do it later once both are on board with it.
> Guess he missed that memo!


He missed the memo; the follow-on awareness training; and the meeting that was held to discuss the memo AND the training. I mean when a woman stops to say "be more gentle" and then places her hand palm on your forehead, for crying out loud take the message!



> I managed to find quite an intriguing click with someone recently who I have a lot in common with and the volume of messages sent back and forth last few days is like the volume of some women I've chatted to for months. Only real red flag is that we are likely both not ready for a relationship haha - Yet she's the only one I find myself motivated to take out, the rest is like... meh, think I'll keep you around as a popup on my phone from time to time until you ghost lol.



See I can't text that much. I get bored with it. I would rather talk on the telephone or better yet, meet in person to talk than text that much.


----------



## RandomDude

Lila said:


> He missed the memo; the follow-on awareness training; and the meeting that was held to discuss the memo AND the training. I mean when a woman stops to say "be more gentle" and then places her hand palm on your forehead, for crying out loud take the message!


Lol yeah I think some folks take too much on the PUA stuff that pushes people past the point of confidence to blind stupidity, that's my explanation for alot of clueless men.



> See I can't text that much. I get bored with it. I would rather talk on the telephone or better yet, meet in person to talk than text that much.


Normally yeah, but if I can't find good banter in text I don't see the point to meet lol

She just showed me her FB and her photos are incredible  
I'm FINALLY excited to meet someone new and not just a popup on my phone that I keep around just to remind myself "you're still a sexy thing RD, there's still hope!"


----------



## TXTrini

RandomDude said:


> Lol yeah I think some folks take too much on the PUA stuff that pushes people past the point of confidence to blind stupidity, that's my explanation for alot of clueless men.
> 
> 
> 
> Normally yeah, but if I can't find good banter in text I don't see the point to meet lol
> 
> She just showed me her FB and her photos are incredible
> I'm FINALLY excited to meet someone new and not just a popup on my phone that I keep around just to remind myself "you're still a sexy thing RD, there's still hope!"


Of course there's still hope, you're young! When are you guys going out?


----------



## RandomDude

TXTrini said:


> Of course there's still hope, you're young! When are you guys going out?


Once I pick a good spot for dinner, I haven't planned a date for months but good thing I did it on a regular basis over 4 years so should just be a matter of different company. But it has to be a new joint, can always bring her to old spots to replace some old memories though... hmmm...


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## TXTrini

RandomDude said:


> Once I pick a good spot for dinner, I haven't planned a date for months but good thing I did it on a regular basis over 4 years so should just be a matter of different company. But it has to be a new joint, can always bring her to old spots to replace some old memories though... hmmm...


What's there to plan? Won't it be a first meet?

I totally get the old spots and memories. My bf wanted to go to a local festival I attended annually with my ex for 14 years, sometimes several times a season and I'm not ready to go back yet. Time will take care of that, no need to give up everything you like.

It's great to see you excited about meeting someone new, btw. Hope you have a great time!


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## RandomDude

TXTrini said:


> What's there to plan? Won't it be a first meet?
> 
> I totally get the old spots and memories. My bf wanted to go to a local festival I attended annually with my ex for 14 years, sometimes several times a season and I'm not ready to go back yet. Time will take care of that, no need to give up everything you like.
> 
> It's great to see you excited about meeting someone new, btw. Hope you have a great time!


I just like to make memories from day one so I do take abit extra care.

But yeah, those are the memories I'm abit concerned about, and I wonder if it's even possible to replace them by bringing someone else into it. Let alone bringing someone else to more intimate settings... hell. Didn't think that far now hell...

I hope so too, but either way it's helping me move on and find myself again.


----------



## TXTrini

RandomDude said:


> I just like to make memories from day one so I do take abit extra care.
> 
> But yeah, those are the memories I'm abit concerned about, and I wonder if it's even possible to replace them by bringing someone else into it. Let alone bringing someone else to more intimate settings... hell. Didn't think that far now hell...
> 
> I hope so too, but either way it's helping me move on and find myself again.


Please don't take this the wrong way, but I think going out of your way to make memories hurts you in the long run.

You mentioned how exhausting it was for you to keep up with grand gestures in your previous relationship. The first date sets the tone for expectations, don't go all out to present an image that's unsustainable.

Just pick someplace you might both like, relax and have fun! See where it goes from there as you get to know each if you hit it off.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Lila said:


> I have gotten to an age where a kiss tells me everything I need to know about sexual compatibility.


If I don’t like how a man kisses, that’s the end. I have zero desire to pursue anything further!

I finally had my first first kiss since 2014! 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## TXTrini

3Xnocharm said:


> If I don’t like how a man kisses, that’s the end. I have zero desire to pursue anything further!
> 
> I finally had my first first kiss since 2014!
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Are you gonna kiss and tell a teeny bit, or tease us about your mystery man?


----------



## 3Xnocharm

TXTrini said:


> Are you gonna kiss and tell a teeny bit, or tease us about your mystery man?


Lol not much to tell just yet! Only four dates in, moving slow and steady so far. I’m still pretty gun shy at this point, and he hasn’t been overbearing or pushy. He isn’t love bombing me, but does let me know that he really likes me. He lives about 40-45 minutes from me so the dates have been kinda far apart.. sometimes I’m liking that and other times I’m not lol. It all seems to be what I need at this point. I’ve always fallen way too hard way too fast and I like that I’m not losing my mind. It’s refreshing to spend time with someone who has a real interest in me, after what I’ve dealt with the last few years. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## TXTrini

3Xnocharm said:


> Lol not much to tell just yet! Only four dates in, moving slow and steady so far. I’m still pretty gun shy at this point, and he hasn’t been overbearing or pushy. He isn’t love bombing me, but does let me know that he really likes me. He lives about 40-45 minutes from me so the dates have been kinda far apart.. sometimes I’m liking that and other times I’m not lol. It all seems to be what I need at this point. I’ve always fallen way too hard way too fast and I like that I’m not losing my mind. It’s refreshing to spend time with someone who has a real interest in me, after what I’ve dealt with the last few years.
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I hope it goes we'll! He sounds patient and balanced, sounds like he just might be worth the travel time, About time things turn around for you!


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## RandomDude

TXTrini said:


> Please don't take this the wrong way, but I think going out of your way to make memories hurts you in the long run.
> You mentioned how exhausting it was for you to keep up with grand gestures in your previous relationship. The first date sets the tone for expectations, don't go all out to present an image that's unsustainable.
> 
> Just pick someplace you might both like, relax and have fun! See where it goes from there as you get to know each if you hit it off.


Yeah I know what you mean, but I think I set the expectations with ex through a series of dates over the course of the first year. The first date with ex was actually quite spontaneous, not much planning, which was bad kinda but worked out fine.

Think I can get away with some light planning on just the first date, don't worry I'll try not to make it a habit this time lol


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## RandomDude

@TXTrini 

Now that I think about it, ex-wife years ago had expectations for lots of sex, sex that I gave her during the honeymoon stages. Then it became an issue later... hmmm...

I have a problem. I need to remember not to portray an image that isn't sustainable, but honestly I don't even know my own limits until I reach them.


----------



## TXTrini

RandomDude said:


> @TXTrini
> Now that I think about it, ex-wife years ago had expectations for lots of sex, sex that I gave her during the honeymoon stages. Then it became an issue later... hmmm...
> 
> I have a problem. I need to remember not to portray an image that isn't sustainable, but honestly I don't even know my own limits until I reach them.


It's only human to strut our plumage out for potential mates, we all do it to some extent. Keep in mind it's not about wowing the chick, don't you want her to like you just the way you are? It's so hard to assess true compatibility if you're not your true self from the getgo. 

I know you're thinking it's to make memories, but don't you two need to know if you want to know each other more first before you trot down the yellow brick road? Think about it like this... it'll be even more memorable to surprise a mate every so often instead of pulling out all your tricks ahead of time and setting up expectations. 

It's interesting you mentioned sexpectations, cause loads of people talk about bait and switch in marriage.


----------



## RandomDude

TXTrini said:


> It's only human to strut our plumage out for potential mates, we all do it to some extent. Keep in mind it's not about wowing the chick, don't you want her to like you just the way you are? It's so hard to assess true compatibility if you're not your true self from the getgo.
> 
> I know you're thinking it's to make memories, but don't you two need to know if you want to know each other more first before you trot down the yellow brick road? Think about it like this... it'll be even more memorable to surprise a mate every so often instead of pulling out all your tricks ahead of time and setting up expectations.
> 
> It's interesting you mentioned sexpectations, cause loads of people talk about bait and switch in marriage.


But it IS me, that's the thing.
I never wanted to mislead them deliberately - like I didn't give ex-wife that much sex in our early days just to woo her, nor did I give that much attention to my ex-gf either just to impress her.

I did it all because I just wanted to at that time, with my ex-gf I just wanted to love her as much as I could I didn't realise how unsustainable it was until later when I exhausted myself. I just don't think that far ahead in the early days, and the last one I just dived all-in after falling for the first time. Like, I was in love, what could I have done?

Now I guess all I can really do is be more self-aware in this and manage expectations early.


----------



## TXTrini

RandomDude said:


> But it IS me, that's the thing.
> I never wanted to mislead them deliberately - like I didn't give ex-wife that much sex in our early days just to woo her, nor did I give that much attention to my ex-gf either just to impress her.
> 
> I did it all because I just wanted to at that time, with my ex-gf I just wanted to love her as much as I could I didn't realise how unsustainable it was until later when I exhausted myself. I just don't think that far ahead in the early days, and the last one I just dived all-in after falling for the first time. Like, I was in love, what could I have done?
> 
> Now I guess all I can really do is be more self-aware in this and manage expectations early.


Yup, that's all you can do.

For example, although I dolled up for our first few dates, I made sure my bf saw me without makeup early on. I did not want him to expect me to be done up every single time we were together, and unlike those chicka on TV, I certainly don't go to bed or wake up with a face full of makeup.


----------



## RandomDude

TXTrini said:


> Yup, that's all you can do.
> 
> For example, although I dolled up for our first few dates, I made sure my bf saw me without makeup early on. I did not want him to expect me to be done up every single time we were together, and unlike those chicka on TV, I certainly don't go to bed or wake up with a face full of makeup.


Think it's abit different as a guy, like...

In our early days she used to praise my consistency in the little things (during honeymoon), then later tell me how I'm slowly failing in the little things you know (post honeymoon). Alot of it is stuff I didn't even notice I do, then whatever it is she liked, some became a discipline, yet was never enough.

Looking back at that old thread/argument again, I don't think its the big stuff I do that set the expectation.


----------



## heartsbeating

RandomDude said:


> I just like to make memories from day one so I do take abit extra care.


That sounds both sweet and like a lot of pressure.

I didn't even think of that stuff when ole Bats and I started dating. Including when I 'cooked' for us...which was a frozen oven meal that I thought was quite good, as I knew how to get the top part just the right amount of crunchiness. He'd already cooked a meal for us previously, and so I was aware that he knew how to cook. I was also forthcoming that cooking wasn't my bag. Anyway, he ate the frozen meal I'd 'made' for us with good understanding.  

Once in a blue moon that meal somehow gets mentioned. He still stands by 'Yeah, but you had the top crispy bits down...' I didn't think too much about this was the first meal I'd be 'making' for him, and what impression or memory that might impart. Needless to say, he knew what he was getting himself into. Somehow he's stuck around all these years. 

Keep us posted with how it goes, RD!


----------



## heartsbeating

^ unintentionally, that might sound like I'm suggesting to set the bar very low. 

Which is not what I mean. Hopefully you get the drift.


----------



## RandomDude

heartsbeating said:


> That sounds both sweet and like a lot of pressure.
> 
> I didn't even think of that stuff when ole Bats and I started dating. Including when I 'cooked' for us...which was a frozen oven meal that I thought was quite good, as I knew how to get the top part just the right amount of crunchiness. He'd already cooked a meal for us previously, and so I was aware that he knew how to cook. I was also forthcoming that cooking wasn't my bag. Anyway, he ate the frozen meal I'd 'made' for us with good understanding.
> 
> Once in a blue moon that meal somehow gets mentioned. He still stands by 'Yeah, but you had the top crispy bits down...' I didn't think too much about this was the first meal I'd be 'making' for him, and what impression or memory that might impart. Needless to say, he knew what he was getting himself into. Somehow he's stuck around all these years.
> 
> Keep us posted with how it goes, RD!


Yeah, my last first date went like that, it wasn't big-special but it was special in its own way. 

So I don't even know what I'm doing now really... I think I just want a positive experience as I start my dating life anew lol


----------



## heartsbeating

Well for what it's worth, and qualifying this advice that Bats and I have been together longer than we have been apart in the world... in other words, what do we know about dating in this day and age (besides one another), anyway...

We got into a silly conversation when dining at an Italian no frills ma and pa joynt a while back, that led us to talking about where we’d take one another for a first date if meeting now. He relayed that he’d take me there as a way to quickly demonstrate (food-experience wise) what he’s about and determine if I’m down with that (and which I obviously would be).

Why not pick a place that represents what you're about? As a way for her to get to know you, and for you to get to know her through that.


----------



## heartsbeating

RandomDude said:


> Yeah, my last first date went like that, it wasn't big-special but it was special in its own way.
> 
> So I don't even know what I'm doing now really... I think I just want a positive experience as I start my dating life anew lol


I think any experience can be a type of positive if you want it to be. As in, even if it is goes 'badly' for whatever reason, there's a learning that can be had... and that's a positive in my book. Kind of like how @Lila raised that she's not sticking around with a guy who doesn't kiss how she wants / didn't take in what she was sharing. She knows within herself that's not workable for her, and will continue on her merry way. That's a good thing.


----------



## RandomDude

Well she has given me a few hints - not too posh - not spicy - must have meat

Honestly I think we talked too much at this point. There is a click with alot in common but I don't know if it's chemistry or compatibility yet - or if it's just situational (we are both recovering from breakups) lol

Trying to pace it out so we don't burn out through text and actually meet to see who's behind the words we are texting to. Also why this has to happen sooner than later.


----------



## RandomDude

heartsbeating said:


> I think any experience can be a type of positive if you want it to be. As in, even if it is goes 'badly' for whatever reason, there's a learning that can be had... and that's a positive in my book. Kind of like how @Lila raised that she's not sticking around with a guy who doesn't kiss how she wants / didn't take in what she was sharing. She knows within herself that's not workable for her, and will continue on her merry way. That's a good thing.


Heh for me reminds me of a match last night. I don't normally read the profiles until they match, so then I read it and sometimes I read about incompatibilities. She said hi first so I was like fine, just compliment her and send her on her merry way as I'm not compatible. She didn't get the hint though and wanted to find a compatibility. I unmatched at the end but I wanted to say something like 'I'm not what you want, don't waste your time.'

Know what you want, and make sure they know what they want too I'd say.


----------



## Blondilocks

RandomDude said:


> Well she has given me a few hints - not too posh - not spicy - must have meat
> 
> Honestly I think we talked too much at this point. There is a click with alot in common but I don't know if it's chemistry or compatibility yet - or if it's just situational (we are both recovering from breakups) lol
> 
> Trying to pace it out so we don't burn out through text and actually meet to see who's behind the words we are texting to. Also why this has to happen sooner than later.


Plan a picnic with a bucket of Colonel Cluck.


----------



## LisaDiane

3Xnocharm said:


> Lol not much to tell just yet! Only four dates in, moving slow and steady so far. I’m still pretty gun shy at this point, and he hasn’t been overbearing or pushy. He isn’t love bombing me, but does let me know that he really likes me. He lives about 40-45 minutes from me so the dates have been kinda far apart.. sometimes I’m liking that and other times I’m not lol. It all seems to be what I need at this point. *I’ve always fallen way too hard way too fast and I like that I’m not losing my mind. *It’s refreshing to spend time with someone who has a real interest in me, after what I’ve dealt with the last few years.


This is great news, I'm really happy for you!!!

What I bolded, I'm VERY nervous about for myself too! I'm not sure if I even know how to feel "casual" in a relationship...and I think that might be a disadvantage for me!!! And I don't want to lose my mind either...!!!


----------



## ccpowerslave

RandomDude said:


> must have meat


Potential keeper.


----------



## Lila

3Xnocharm said:


> If I don’t like how a man kisses, that’s the end. I have zero desire to pursue anything further!
> 
> I finally had my first first kiss since 2014!
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Congratulations on breaking your fast 😂

The guy from my date this weekend had so much potential. I swear I heard the sad trombone sound after that kiss. FML


----------



## Hiner112

It's kind of funny that you guys have been talking about not building up unrealistic expectations with the first few dates. That's definitely not something I'm going to have to worry about in ours. I mean the first few dates we had were to a sandwich shop near her house (we're an hour apart). From the very beginning, I made sure she knew that a full time job, a long distance relationship, and a family were going to limit our time together. She's been patient (sort of) and understanding of circumstances as they've come up. I say "sort of" because we had sex on our second in person date but by that time we'd been talking pretty much every day (by text mostly) for 2 months.

The only expectation that we've really developed is that sex will happen anytime we're together for more than the length of a meal. Possibly a second time. And then morning after I get to wake her up... We _might_ slow down once we've worked the dead bedrooms out of our systems, but it hasn't shown any signs of letting up yet.


----------



## RandomDude

FML, date is ESFJ, exactly like ex. What are the chances? What are the chances?!

FML!


----------



## Elizabeth001

RandomDude said:


> FML, date is ESFJ, exactly like ex. What are the chances? What are the chances?!
> 
> FML!


It’s another sign to tell you that you need to step back and work on yourself before you are worthy of a new partner that is worthy of you. Just. Stop. Please.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## Elizabeth001

I find myself FINALLY reading TAM less these days. Good sign for me that I might be potentially moving on. No relationship yet…maybe there never will be and I’m becoming more and more comfortable with that idea. 

Lately when I look at TAM, I just see more and more of the same and question if I’m just wallowing in it. Not saying I’m leaving right now but each day I get closer…and I think that’s a good thing 

Love you peeps :x


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## LisaDiane

Elizabeth001 said:


> I find myself FINALLY reading TAM less these days. Good sign for me that I might be potentially moving on. No relationship yet…maybe there never will be and I’m becoming more and more comfortable with that idea.
> 
> Lately when I look at TAM, I just see more and more of the same and question if I’m just wallowing in it. Not saying I’m leaving right now but each day I get closer…and I think that’s a good thing
> 
> Love you peeps :x
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


Don't go!!! We need you on this Singles thread!!!! 💕


----------



## RandomDude

Elizabeth001 said:


> It’s another sign to tell you that you need to step back and work on yourself before you are worthy of a new partner that is worthy of you. Just. Stop. Please.


Based on her current interest level, think I past the point of no return and now the date has to run its course. Not to mention I am also curious where this red flag parade leads and if we even make it to the date despite the interest. 

EDIT: Whelp, guess the date still happening, trainwreck at fullspeed looks like, can't stop texting and flirting lol.


----------



## RandomDude

Elizabeth001 said:


> I find myself FINALLY reading TAM less these days. Good sign for me that I might be potentially moving on. No relationship yet…maybe there never will be and I’m becoming more and more comfortable with that idea.
> 
> Lately when I look at TAM, I just see more and more of the same and question if I’m just wallowing in it. Not saying I’m leaving right now but each day I get closer…and I think that’s a good thing
> 
> Love you peeps :x
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk




I found myself at the crossroads last 2 months again and again, with a similar line of thought. But each time I look at the road alone, even though a part of me wants it badly for its freedom, independence, carefree life, deep down in my heart I know that's not how I want my life to be for the rest of my life, and hence made my decision to heal, hope and love again.

If any part of you isn't ready to give it up I say don't give up! Well, you can't give up anyway, your heart will nag you.


----------



## Lila

I'm in my head again and if I let this train of thought derail me, I could lose a great thing. I met a really awesome guy (kiss was fabulous BTW). He and I get along really well. I get butterflies around him and I haven't felt that in a very long time. He's completely different physically and personality-wise from what I have historically dated/married (over 6'6, tattooed from neck to ankles, mate-guarder). But he's also super smart, a gentleman, chivalrous, and traditional. We've discussed the hot topics and although we're not 100% in sync, we know where we each stand - no surprises. Everything is good but my mind is thinking "what's wrong with him?"


----------



## lifeistooshort

Lila said:


> I'm in my head again and if I let this train of thought derail me, I could lose a great thing. I met a really awesome guy (kiss was fabulous BTW). He and I get along really well. I get butterflies around him and I haven't felt that in a very long time. He's completely different physically and personality-wise from what I have historically dated/married (over 6'6, tattooed from neck to ankles, mate-guarder). But he's also super smart, a gentleman, chivalrous, and traditional. We've discussed the hot topics and although we're not 100% in sync, we know where we each stand - no surprises. Everything is good but my mind is thinking "what's wrong with him?"


That's why you take things slow and date.

Guaranteed there is something wrong with him....there's something wrong with all of us. You just need to find out what it is so you can decide if it's a deal breaker.

That's the key.....know what flaws you're accepting when you accept the package.


----------



## Lila

lifeistooshort said:


> That's why you take things slow and date.
> 
> Guaranteed there is something wrong with him....there's something wrong with all of us. You just need to find out what it is so you can decide if it's a deal breaker.
> 
> That's the key.....know what flaws you're accepting when you accept the package.


Great advice. With my track record, not seeing any red flags has thrown me for a loop. I just need to relaxand let things evolve. 

We have a date scheduled for Saturday. I hope he show all of the good qualities and none of the bad.


----------



## heartsbeating

Lila said:


> I'm in my head again and if I let this train of thought derail me, I could lose a great thing. I met a really awesome guy (kiss was fabulous BTW). He and I get along really well. I get butterflies around him and I haven't felt that in a very long time. He's completely different physically and personality-wise from what I have historically dated/married (over 6'6, tattooed from neck to ankles, mate-guarder). But he's also super smart, a gentleman, chivalrous, and traditional. We've discussed the hot topics and although we're not 100% in sync, we know where we each stand - no surprises. Everything is good but my mind is thinking "what's wrong with him?"


Well, I could describe what I know/perceive of you and how you present (which would be complimentary, just so as to avoid any misinterpretation) ....in terms of him potentially thinking similarly, 'What's wrong with her?'


----------



## TXTrini

Lila said:


> I'm in my head again and if I let this train of thought derail me, I could lose a great thing. I met a really awesome guy (kiss was fabulous BTW). He and I get along really well. I get butterflies around him and I haven't felt that in a very long time. He's completely different physically and personality-wise from what I have historically dated/married (over 6'6, tattooed from neck to ankles, mate-guarder). But he's also super smart, a gentleman, chivalrous, and traditional. We've discussed the hot topics and although we're not 100% in sync, we know where we each stand - no surprises. Everything is good but my mind is thinking "what's wrong with him?"





Lila said:


> Great advice. With my track record, not seeing any red flags has thrown me for a loop. I just need to relaxand let things evolve.
> 
> We have a date scheduled for Saturday. I hope he show all of the good qualities and none of the bad.


Girl, step out of your head a teeny bit, keep those eyeballs open and let down your hair a little and have some fun just getting to know each other.

Can't wait to hear the deets Sunday!


----------



## heartsbeating

Lila said:


> Great advice. With my track record, not seeing any red flags has thrown me for a loop. I just need to relaxand let things evolve.
> 
> We have a date scheduled for Saturday. I hope he show all of the good qualities and none of the bad.


Again, he may be thinking similarly! Where's her red flags?

I hope the date goes well, and no doubt the dating is all part of discovering more about one another. Heck even in relationships, there's still discovering happening!

I'd hope that he demonstrates who he is... and aside from anything glaringly unhealthy, the run of the mill 'good/bad' qualities often have a flip-side depending on how you see a thing.


----------



## heartsbeating

RandomDude said:


> Based on her current interest level, think I past the point of no return and now the date has to run its course. Not to mention I am also curious where this red flag parade leads and if we even make it to the date despite the interest.
> 
> EDIT: Whelp, guess the date still happening, trainwreck at fullspeed looks like, can't stop texting and flirting lol.


Has the date happened yet?


----------



## RandomDude

heartsbeating said:


> Has the date happened yet?


I rescheduled because it was her birthday weekend and I did not wish for her to associate her birthday with a first date, especially if it goes sour. Next weekend.

Also I took out someone else instead for practice, decent compatibility but low chemistry, best as friends and we decided accordingly (yeah I already decided before I met her but I wanted a safe date lol). It was the first date that I had with someone else either than my ex, and I'm kinda glad it went at least without dramas.

But I don't know, I seem to be in a loop...

Stage 1) Depression, loneliness... I pick up my phone and swipe...
Stage 2) Excitement, hope... my phone blings with new matches, I start chatting...
Stage 3) Exhaustion, reflection... I back away, wanting to be alone... eventually I end up back at stage 1.

I'm trying to break that cycle and avoid stage 3, but right now I'm drifting towards it. I almost cancelled the last date, but glad I didn't because I feel a lot better and I feel like I'm moving forward. Just have to keep pushing on.


----------



## Lila

TXTrini said:


> Girl, step out of your head a teeny bit, keep those eyeballs open and let down your hair a little and have some fun just getting to know each other.
> 
> Can't wait to hear the deets Sunday!


I'm trying to keep discussions at the 50,000 foot level. Not getting too deep into the weeds. I guess only time will tell his issues. 



heartsbeating said:


> Again, he may be thinking similarly! Where's her red flags?
> 
> I hope the date goes well, and no doubt the dating is all part of discovering more about one another. Heck even in relationships, there's still discovering happening!
> 
> I'd hope that he demonstrates who he is... and aside from anything glaringly unhealthy, the run of the mill 'good/bad' qualities often have a flip-side depending on how you see a thing.


Oh I'm sure he's wondering about me. He's had similarly bad dating experiences and has already told me he's prepping for my "crazy" to make itself known 🤣. He makes me laugh.


----------



## PieceOfSky

.


----------



## In Absentia

PieceOfSky said:


> .


The best comment ever...


----------



## LisaDiane

In Absentia said:


> The best comment ever...


Not to ME....I don't like hidden things...I want to know them ALL!!!! Lol!


----------



## LisaDiane

Lila said:


> I'm trying to keep discussions at the 50,000 foot level. Not getting too deep into the weeds. I guess only time will tell his issues.
> 
> 
> 
> Oh I'm sure he's wondering about me. He's had similarly bad dating experiences and has already told me he's prepping for my "crazy" to make itself known 🤣. He makes me laugh.


Oh, this all seems SO daunting...!!!!!!

You are very brave to me!!! (is there a "superhero" emoji??)


----------



## RandomDude

Throwing every red flag that I can at my date, she's not swayed. Not yet... lol

If the stars align after merely 2 months I'm going to be laughing... but if I end up with another super HD woman like my last 2 LTRs ... oh F no I can't take it anymore!
Bad enough that my luck dictated that I find a connection with ANOTHER EXACT ESFJ... WTF?! WHY WHY HOW WTF WHY?!

Ah hell, looks like the date is still happening and I can't wiggle out of it, I'm out of excuses. Bah!


----------



## TXTrini

RandomDude said:


> Throwing every red flag that I can at my date, she's not swayed. Not yet... lol
> 
> If the stars align after merely 2 months I'm going to be laughing... but if I end up with another super HD woman like my last 2 LTRs ... oh F no I can't take it anymore!
> Bad enough that my luck dictated that I find a connection with ANOTHER EXACT ESFJ... WTF?! WHY WHY HOW WTF WHY?!
> 
> Ah hell, looks like the date is still happening and I can't wiggle out of it, I'm out of excuses. Bah!


So cancel the date if you don't want to go! Does she have you by the short and curlies or something?


----------



## bobert

RandomDude said:


> Throwing every red flag that I can at my date, she's not swayed. Not yet... lol
> 
> If the stars align after merely 2 months I'm going to be laughing... but if I end up with another super HD woman like my last 2 LTRs ... oh F no I can't take it anymore!
> Bad enough that my luck dictated that I find a connection with ANOTHER EXACT ESFJ... WTF?! WHY WHY HOW WTF WHY?!
> 
> Ah hell, looks like the date is still happening and I can't wiggle out of it, I'm out of excuses. Bah!


Why do you need an excuse? Just say you don't want to go 🤷🏻‍♂️ I'm pretty sure most people would rather have a date canceled than to waste time and energy on someone who doesn't want to be there...


----------



## heartsbeating

RandomDude said:


> Throwing every red flag that I can at my date, she's not swayed. Not yet... lol
> 
> If the stars align after merely 2 months I'm going to be laughing... but if I end up with another super HD woman like my last 2 LTRs ... oh F no I can't take it anymore!
> Bad enough that my luck dictated that I find a connection with ANOTHER EXACT ESFJ... WTF?! WHY WHY HOW WTF WHY?!
> 
> Ah hell, looks like the date is still happening and I can't wiggle out of it, I'm out of excuses. Bah!


No doubt you still want to go on the date. I'd interpret that you're excited about it.

I think her red flag is potentially that she's not swayed by yours! 
...Depending on what they are of course (and I don't mean for you to share them here).


----------



## RandomDude

Well, I am excited and also worried.

As for red flags, we're both in the same situation having broken up with our SOs during lockdown. So our connection is in question. That's the first red flag, secondly, she is the same opposite personality-type as ex; ESFJ, but even more extreme. Thirdly, she has several aspects of her that remind me of my ex, sadly, including her choice of words. It's VERY VERY odd.

Yet the convos/banter all flows and one thing just keeps leading to the next...


----------



## Not

Add me to the list of upcoming dates. I'm having dinner with someone tonight. I'm on facebook dating. We've facetimed quite a bit since Monday. Blue collar, established financially, very tall at 6'5, very dedicated to his 20 year old daughter and a Harley. I do love Harley's now thanks to Tank. He's about 40 minutes away so not bad distance wise.

What we have in common the most right now is we both live very quiet lives and aren't worried about impressing others with stories about how active and social we are. So many are worried about looking like couch potatoes and end up talking themselves up like they have this fabulously fun filled exciting life when they just don't. We're both middle aged and work full time jobs that have us getting up at ungodly hours and we're tired dammit lol! 

We're on the same page as far as expectations also, expect nothing. All of our conversations up until now have all been mostly surface level outside of talks about dating itself. Like neither one of us is holding our breath. We'll see how he comes off in person then I'll decided if I want the conversation to go deeper.


----------



## TXTrini

RandomDude said:


> Well, I am excited and also worried.
> 
> As for red flags, we're both in the same situation having broken up with our SOs during lockdown. So our connection is in question. That's the first red flag, secondly, she is the same opposite personality-type as ex; ESFJ, but even more extreme. Thirdly, she has several aspects of her that remind me of my ex, sadly, including her choice of words. It's VERY VERY odd.
> 
> Yet the convos/banter all flows and one thing just keeps leading to the next...


I know people like to say opposites attract, but there's no way I could have a romantic relationship with an extrovert. I need to take people en masse in small doses, I don't like large crowds at all, but I'll tolerate some if it's an event for something that interests me or means a lot to my SO. God forbid if they're one of those always cheery people, they may not live to have coffee.

How do you folks manage that on a practical level?


----------



## TXTrini

Not said:


> Add me to the list of upcoming dates. I'm having dinner with someone tonight. I'm on facebook dating. We've facetimed quite a bit since Monday. Blue collar, established financially, very tall at 6'5, very dedicated to his 20 year old daughter and a Harley. I do love Harley's now thanks to Tank. He's about 40 minutes away so not bad distance wise.
> 
> What we have in common the most right now is we both live very quiet lives and aren't worried about impressing others with stories about how active and social we are. So many are worried about looking like couch potatoes and end up talking themselves up like they have this fabulously fun filled exciting life when they just don't. We're both middle aged and work full time jobs that have us getting up at ungodly hours and we're tired dammit lol!
> 
> We're on the same page as far as expectations also, expect nothing. All of our conversations up until now have all been mostly surface level outside of talks about dating itself. Like neither one of us is holding our breath. We'll see how he comes off in person then I'll decided if I want the conversation to go deeper.


Can't wait to hear the deets! Have fun!


----------



## RandomDude

TXTrini said:


> I know people like to say opposites attract, but there's no way I could have a romantic relationship with an extrovert. I need to take people en masse in small doses, I don't like large crowds at all, but I'll tolerate some if it's an event for something that interests me or means a lot to my SO. God forbid if they're one of those always cheery people, they may not live to have coffee.
> 
> How do you folks manage that on a practical level?


All my LTRs have been with extroverts. I never seem to be able to find a romantic relationship with an introvert, like, there never has been a buzz. I don't know why. My first date last weekend was ISTJ, no spark.

In the past I normally let my extro-partners do all the talking with large crowds. I just listen and absorb all the gossip and information  
Also, they drag me out of the house and keep my life in balance otherwise I can stay home almost indefinitely, they also have no idea how to have fun at home and that's where we stop them from madness.

But honestly, I don't mind a relationship with an introvert for once, it just never happened for some reason.


----------



## Not

RandomDude said:


> All my LTRs have been with extroverts. I never seem to be able to find a romantic relationship with an introvert, like, there never has been a buzz. I don't know why. My first date last weekend was ISTJ, no spark.
> 
> In the past I normally let my extro-partners do all the talking with large crowds. I just listen and absorb all the gossip and information
> *Also, they drag me out of the house and keep my life in balance otherwise I can stay home almost indefinitely, they also have no idea how to have fun at home and that's where we stop them from madness.*
> 
> But honestly, I don't mind a relationship with an introvert for once, it just never happened for some reason.


To the bolded, true story! That's something I loved about Tank when I first met him. I'm an ISTP and someone like him got me out there into the world, it _was_ a nice balance. Him being an extrovert who I also believe may have a severe form of ADHD was so draining at times though. Me being reserved was something he liked too. Said it helped calm the beast, I was his zen.


----------



## TXTrini

RandomDude said:


> All my LTRs have been with extroverts. I never seem to be able to find a romantic relationship with an introvert, like, there never has been a buzz. I don't know why. My first date last weekend was ISTJ, no spark.
> 
> In the past I normally let my extro-partners do all the talking with large crowds. I just listen and absorb all the gossip and information
> Also, they drag me out of the house and keep my life in balance otherwise I can stay home almost indefinitely, they also have no idea how to have fun at home and that's where we stop them from madness.
> 
> But honestly, I don't mind a relationship with an introvert for once, it just never happened for some reason.


I've never had a serious relationship with an extrovert, there was too much disparity in interests. I guess a lot of people come across phony to me if they "go along to get along" and don't have their own opinions on anything, so maybe it's a respect thing 🤷. 

My bf and I are both INTJ, he understands my "language", we love banter and he's not butthurt when I know more about topics he's unfamiliar with, we can sit quietly next to each other doing our own thing. Then one of us will grin and catch the others eye....😆. Yeah, plenty of sparks from day 1...



Not said:


> To the bolded, true story! That's something I loved about Tank when I first met him. I'm an ISTP and someone like him got me out there into the world, it _was_ a nice balance. Him being an extrovert who I also believe may have a severe form of ADHD was so draining at times though. Me being reserved was something he liked too. Said it helped calm the beast, I was his zen.


I can see the positives in balance, but what happens when you really don't feel like budging and he needs to bust out right then? 🤔


----------



## 2&out

It's a matter of how much, to what degree to me. I can deal with a mild introvert but not anymore than that. I get bored quick - sitting for hours talking philosophy or reading or binge watching TV isn't for me. I have a short attention span  I can putz around doing odds and ends Ok for a little while but any more than a day and a half and I need to get out of the house, go somewhere. For me to keep interest I need someone with a decent energy get up and go. Nothing wrong with introverts, just isn't how I'm built and I'm not a good match for.


----------



## Not

TXTrini said:


> I can see the positives in balance, but what happens when you really don't feel like budging and he needs to bust out right then? 🤔


He knew this about me from the get go and never tried to get me to change in that way. I'm pretty much down for anything as long as I'm not expected to entertain people. Tank was the entertainer and I was perfectly content to sit back and observe and take part when it suited me. I am an introvert but that doesn't mean I like to sit in the house all the time, I like to get out there and have a great time with my love interest. Big crowds though, nope and he knew that.


----------



## RandomDude

Not said:


> To the bolded, true story! That's something I loved about Tank when I first met him. I'm an ISTP and someone like him got me out there into the world, it _was_ a nice balance. Him being an extrovert who I also believe may have a severe form of ADHD was so draining at times though. Me being reserved was something he liked too. Said it helped calm the beast, I was his zen.


Hahah yeah the synergy was nice, with my exs I ended up in places I wouldn't have known about and it was a good thing. It's a strange thing with extroverts though, like the last one told me I awakened her introverted side, and that many of her friends were very draining for her and I helped her to cut off those unhealthy connections. So there is definitely synergy both ways.



TXTrini said:


> I've never had a serious relationship with an extrovert, there was too much disparity in interests. I guess a lot of people come across phony to me if they "go along to get along" and don't have their own opinions on anything, so maybe it's a respect thing 🤷.
> 
> My bf and I are both INTJ, he understands my "language", we love banter and he's not butthurt when I know more about topics he's unfamiliar with, we can sit quietly next to each other doing our own thing. Then one of us will grin and catch the others eye....😆. Yeah, plenty of sparks from day 1...
> 
> I can see the positives in balance, but what happens when you really don't feel like budging and he needs to bust out right then? 🤔


I wouldn't mind trying that, but I just cant find a spark with any of them. 
Like @2&out also mentioned, extroverts tend to have a short attention span, so many of my introverted interests will fly past their brains lol
My previous partners did make an effort to open up with those, and I shared with them the more interesting aspects of it and they liked it in small doses, but with their attention span it's not something I would find them reading about in their spare time.

I do wonder what it would be like though... 

As for the going out vs staying home debate, I'm a dude so have to keep the missus happy so I end up getting dragged out lol. I never feel like budging but ended up appreciating someone keeping me out there. Heaven knows I CBF otherwise.


----------



## RandomDude

Not said:


> He knew this about me from the get go and never tried to get me to change in that way. I'm pretty much down for anything as long as I'm not expected to entertain people. *Tank was the entertainer and I was perfectly content to sit back and observe and take part when it suited me.* I am an introvert but that doesn't mean I like to sit in the house all the time, I like to get out there and have a great time with my love interest. Big crowds though, nope and he knew that.


Haha yeah whenever a conversation is required just put them at the forefront


----------



## 2&out

So no car races, football games, going to the theater, concerts, etc ?? That's why IMO like personality traits are much easier to make work. Not interested or comfortable going to those ? Well... thx but I'll find someone who wants to go with me.


----------



## RandomDude

2&out said:


> So no car races, football games, going to the theater, concerts, etc ?? That's why IMO like personality traits are much easier to make work. Not interested or comfortable going to those ? Well... thx but I'll find someone who wants to go with me.


Never interested, but *ended up doing them and finding them worthwhile afterwards*. That is my introvert's journey with extroverted spouses 

It does go both ways though, I think in these type of relationships you have to really want to make it work, otherwise it will fall apart.


----------



## TXTrini

I'm a homebody but love to doll up and go out sometimes when the mood strikes or my bf wants to do something. People are always surprised when I tell them I'm very introverted, it's not that I can't be sociable, I just don't see the point of being sociable with people I don't like or want to waste my free time on.



Not said:


> He knew this about me from the get go and never tried to get me to change in that way. I'm pretty much down for anything as long as I'm not expected to entertain people. Tank was the entertainer and I was perfectly content to sit back and observe and take part when it suited me. I am an introvert but that doesn't mean I like to sit in the house all the time, I like to get out there and have a great time with my love interest. Big crowds though, nope and he knew that.


I don't think some extroverts understand introverts at all, but then the reverse is certainly true. 



RandomDude said:


> Hahah yeah the synergy was nice, with my exs I ended up in places I wouldn't have known about and it was a good thing. It's a strange thing with extroverts though, like the last one told me I awakened her introverted side, and that many of her friends were very draining for her and I helped her to cut off those unhealthy connections. So there is definitely synergy both ways.
> 
> I wouldn't mind trying that, but I just cant find a spark with any of them.
> Like @2&out also mentioned, extroverts tend to have a short attention span, so many of my introverted interests will fly past their brains lol
> My previous partners did make an effort to open up with those, and I shared with them the more interesting aspects of it and they liked it in small doses, but with their attention span it's not something I would find them reading about in their spare time.
> 
> I do wonder what it would be like though...
> 
> As for the going out vs staying home debate, I'm a dude so have to keep the missus happy so I end up getting dragged out lol. I never feel like budging but ended up appreciating someone keeping me out there. Heaven knows I CBF otherwise.


A short attention span would irritate me although I can have one at times when I get bored if something isn't engaging enough 😆. 

The balance sounds good in theory, the trouble is if only one compromises, because the other won't budge. E.g. my ex wanted to do things together, but only things he wanted to do, but showed disinterest in things I liked. I love sharing new experiences, but not if its one-sided.


----------



## TXTrini

2&out said:


> So no car races, football games, going to the theater, concerts, etc ?? That's why IMO like personality traits are much easier to make work. Not interested or comfortable going to those ? Well... thx but I'll find someone who wants to go with me.


I'm curious...
Are you an extrovert? 
Do you expect a partner to do everything you like or are you willing to do some things with friends?


----------



## Hiner112

The worry about the other shoe dropping or wondering what the catch is for the person we're dating has been something my GF and I have talked about.

Examples:

Her: You have your **** together, you're in shape, and have decent to good relationships with both your kids and ex. What are you doing with me?

Me: You have a favorite Star Trek captain, you tell me to finish the story I'm reading and tell you about it when I'm done instead of being jealous of a book, and any time I've tried to be affectionate you've enthusiastically responded. Why would I not and when is this going to come to an end?


----------



## 3Xnocharm

I’m an introvert and need someone who is more extroverted than I am to get me out and about lol. Tho I don’t like overly extroverted, too exhausting for me. As a general rule, I don’t like large crowds, but honestly it just depends on the event. Our overcrowded local river fest is a no, but a concert by a popular band I love is a big yes. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## RandomDude

Hiner112 said:


> The worry about the other shoe dropping or wondering what the catch is for the person we're dating has been something my GF and I have talked about.
> 
> Examples:
> 
> Her: You have your **** together, you're in shape, and have decent to good relationships with both your kids and ex. What are you doing with me?
> 
> Me: You have a favorite Star Trek captain, *you tell me to finish the story I'm reading and tell you about it when I'm done instead of being jealous of a boo*k, and any time I've tried to be affectionate you've enthusiastically responded. Why would I not and when is this going to come to an end?


Wow... I would fall in love with that.

I can only imagine having my imagination encouraged and nurtured like that, last relationship it was more like "what's happening in the book", I just end up putting it down until I have alone time, and then when I have alone time I got in trouble if I didn't text back after an hour - and I can easily lose track of time when engrossed in something.


----------



## 2&out

TXTrini said:


> I'm curious...
> Are you an extrovert?
> Do you expect a partner to do everything you like or are you willing to do some things with friends?


Yes, and yes - doing stuff with friends makes it even more fun !


----------



## jlg07

Just curious -- does EVERYONE on this forum know their personality type!!!
I remember there was one test on here a while back, and when I took it, I scored almost equally for 7 out of the 10 types.
Does anyone have a good site for doing these tests??


----------



## TXTrini

jlg07 said:


> Just curious -- does EVERYONE on this forum know their personality type!!!
> I remember there was one test on here a while back, and when I took it, I scored almost equally for 7 out of the 10 types.
> Does anyone have a good site for doing these tests??


My professor provided this link for a class a while ago, so I suppose not to flight-by-night.









Personality test based on Jung and Briggs Myers typology


Online test based on Jung and Briggs Myers typology provides your personality formula, the description of your type, list of occupations, and option to assess your compatibility against any soulmate



www.humanmetrics.com


----------



## TXTrini

2&out said:


> Yes, and yes - doing stuff with friends makes it even more fun !


This is why I like being with a fellow introvert 😂, I like a lot of alone time.


----------



## farsidejunky

Hiner112 said:


> The worry about the other shoe dropping or wondering what the catch is for the person we're dating has been something my GF and I have talked about.
> 
> Examples:
> 
> Her: You have your **** together, you're in shape, and have decent to good relationships with both your kids and ex. What are you doing with me?
> 
> Me: You have a favorite Star Trek captain, you tell me to finish the story I'm reading and tell you about it when I'm done instead of being jealous of a book, and any time I've tried to be affectionate you've enthusiastically responded. Why would I not and when is this going to come to an end?


Do you see other indicators of her lack of self esteem?

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


----------



## Not

Date went well. He looked exactly like his pictures. If he had lied and was actually two inches shorter than what he stated it would have been fine, dude is tall lol! And boy has he got a booty lol! I always have to get myself placed behind a guy as we walk so I can check that out. My man has to have meat on his bones. 

He's very quiet though! I am too and that might pose a problem as far as getting to know each other goes. It's going to be very slow going. At one point he grabbed my chair and slid it over next to him under the guise of wanting to be able to hear me better. So at least he's a bit more forward in some aspects which tells me he's interested so maybe after this initial meet he'll open up a bit more.

When he was talking or answering questions he joked around a lot, all very appropriate and playful. The date ended with a big hug and plans to definitely meet again. So all in all, a good date. Not explosive sparks but not a dud. Dead center of the road.


----------



## LisaDiane

jlg07 said:


> Just curious -- does EVERYONE on this forum know their personality type!!!
> I remember there was one test on here a while back, and when I took it, I scored almost equally for 7 out of the 10 types.
> Does anyone have a good site for doing these tests??


I don't!!! Lol!

I think I'm a combination of Introvert - Extrovert, because I LOVE my alone time, but I also get excited about being social as well. I can be exhausted by people when I've spent alot of time with them, but then if I am alone for too long I will start to go stir crazy too...Lol!!!


----------



## 3Xnocharm

jlg07 said:


> Just curious -- does EVERYONE on this forum know their personality type!!!
> I remember there was one test on here a while back, and when I took it, I scored almost equally for 7 out of the 10 types.
> Does anyone have a good site for doing these tests??


I’ve done a couple never can remember what I am! Just the “I” part lol


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Hiner112

farsidejunky said:


> Do you see other indicators of her lack of self esteem?


She can list off a few attributes that are commonly desired in women that she doesn't have. 

She's not a very good housekeeper. She doesn't cook. She's overweight. Ironically, until she met someone that knew what they were doing, she was described as LD / frigid (and now I can't keep up all the time).

I can clean my own house and my standards aren't really that high. I can cook my own meals and did so for most of my marriage. My ex was overweight as well and it obviously doesn't bother me. The spirit is willing but sometimes the flesh is weak . I've never had any objections to pleasing in other ways (and kind of expect nearly 100% of PIV to be accompanied by something else) though there has been some learning curve as we figured out what works for her (which is significantly different than my ex). Its a work in progress.


----------



## Blondilocks

LisaDiane said:


> I don't!!! Lol!
> 
> I think I'm a combination of Introvert - Extrovert, because I LOVE my alone time, but I also get excited about being social as well. I can be exhausted by people when I've spent alot of time with them, but then if I am alone for too long I will start to go stir crazy too...Lol!!!


Same for me.


----------



## jlg07

LD and Blondi, I am sort of the same. I LIKE being around people when I'm around people -- but not driven to be around them. I also love being "alone" (as long as my wife is someplace around!)

I took the test that Txtrini sent (TY for that!).
It said I am EITHER and ENTJ, or ENFJ. From the description of the results, I only am moderate preference in almost ALL the categories except Thinking over feeling -- no difference (I do both, so it makes sense -- I THINK and work through things rationally, but then overlay the results with feelings to see if it still makes sense).


----------



## Elizabeth001

INFJ for me. 

I boinked my neighbor last night 

Surprisingly, I woke up with no regrets…he’s a very nice man. Sent me flowers this morning:










Don’t know where it’s going. Don’t care. Sure was a long dry spell though!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Elizabeth001

Also getting a new pup around New Years 











Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Not

Elizabeth001 said:


> INFJ for me.
> 
> I boinked my neighbor last night
> 
> Surprisingly, I woke up with no regrets…he’s a very nice man. Sent me flowers this morning:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Don’t know where it’s going. Don’t care. Sure was a long dry spell though!
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


You go girl!


----------



## RandomDude

Elizabeth001 said:


> INFJ for me.
> 
> I boinked my neighbor last night
> 
> Surprisingly, I woke up with no regrets…he’s a very nice man. Sent me flowers this morning:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Don’t know where it’s going. Don’t care. Sure was a long dry spell though!
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Haha that is very sweet!


----------



## RandomDude

Not said:


> Date went well. He looked exactly like his pictures. If he had lied and was actually two inches shorter than what he stated it would have been fine, dude is tall lol! And boy has he got a booty lol! I always have to get myself placed behind a guy as we walk so I can check that out. My man has to have meat on his bones.
> 
> He's very quiet though! I am too and that might pose a problem as far as getting to know each other goes. It's going to be very slow going. At one point he grabbed my chair and slid it over next to him under the guise of wanting to be able to hear me better. So at least he's a bit more forward in some aspects which tells me he's interested so maybe after this initial meet he'll open up a bit more.
> 
> When he was talking or answering questions he joked around a lot, all very appropriate and playful. The date ended with a big hug and plans to definitely meet again. So all in all, a good date. Not explosive sparks but not a dud. Dead center of the road.


Sound good, though for me dead center means they get to be only category 2 or 3... only FWB or GF material 
I want category 5 - soulmate material again, high chemistry or meh.

I don't know if these things evolve, like hell I only fell in love once and in all my past relationships no one really 'promoted' themselves, FWB to GF doesn't count, that was a bad mistake prior to ex.

My coming date is category X - crutch material and I hers 
Oh well at least this trainwreck is different


----------



## Affaircare

I'm an INFP or INFJ depending on the day, but almost all of my scores are near 50/50. I definitely recharge with quiet and not by being with people, so I am an Introvert...but I truly love people and my score is something like 55% I and 45% E. I call myself an Ambivert. 

The only one I'm strongly sure of is Intuitive/Sensor. I'm about 70% Intuitive and 30% Sensor. I love the senses, I do, but I gather my info via intuition...very strongly.

For Feeler/Thinker I lean toward Feeler, but I have enough Thinker in me that I can relate to the programers and nerds. I believe my score is 60% Feeler and 40% Thinker. So I analyze my feelings. LOL 

Finally Perceiver/Judger is my closest score. I truly think it's 51%/49% and it changes from day to day! Some days I see all the possibilities and see 1000 shades of gray. The next day I see that civilized society has rules and it's balck and white. 

My Beloved Buddhist is an ENFP I believe. It's funny because he's also an Ambivert, but he tends toward recharging at work with his co-workers or adventuring, but with just one or two close friends. So definitely and E...but not for TONS of people. Weird hey?

The rest of the letters, I'll let him explain. @Emerging Buddhist --wanna jump in here?

I'm sharing this because my first marriage was a disaster partially because I'm an INFP and my exH is an ESTJ--the exact opposite. Now, I tried to understand him and "relate"...but he did not and it got to where we had a lot of trouble communicating because we thought so differently and viewed life and ourselves so differently. 

My second marriage I knew I needed someone closer to my personality type--hopefully 3 or the 4. Well, @Tanelornpete was an INTP/J so we got along on 3 of the 4 strongly, and the F vs T wasn't a big battle to understand. His I was MUCH stronger, his N was a good match, he shared his T and I shared my F, and we were both P/J! So we very much spoke the same language. I think that's part of why we were able to truly reconcile.

Finally with my Beloved Buddhist, we get along on 3 of 4 as well: We're both ambiverts-him leaning to E, and me leaning to I. And we're both NFP--I think I may be stronger Intuitive, we both have a good N/T balance, and we both go between P/J but tend toward P. So again, we very much speak the same language and when we try to communicate, we REALLY get each other. 

For me, it was a fundamental relationship revelation to just comprehend that when someone is not even close to my personality type, we're going to struggle to "get" each other--thus, it's not so much that they're a bad person but just a difficult match FOR ME. If I were dating and met a nice ESTJ or maybe even an ISTJ, I'd go into it knowing it would likely be harder that a match with an ENFP (for example) <3


----------



## Not

RandomDude said:


> Sound good, though for me dead center means they get to be only category 2 or 3... only FWB or GF material
> I want category 5 - soulmate material again, high chemistry or meh.
> 
> I don't know if these things evolve, like hell I only fell in love once and in all my past relationships no one really 'promoted' themselves, FWB to GF doesn't count, that was a bad mistake prior to ex.
> 
> My coming date is category X - crutch material and I hers
> Oh well at least this trainwreck is different


I have to give this guy more time. With Tank we spoke over the phone for a good 20 hours or so before we met and that had us connecting mentally quite strongly. Then when we met and we both saw a physical attraction to say sparks were flying would be an understatement lol! 

This new guy and I haven’t had as much time to connect mentally, to see if we’re drawn to each other that way. At least that’s how I connect, it’s something that has to be there. Physically, no problem. He’s a good looking guy. Although things did take a good very flirty turn over FaceTime yesterday. There were some sparks being lit. Nothing flat or neutral for sure.

So this could be just as good as it was with Tank but things are moving much slower with new guy, dammit lol! So I have to wait and see on this one. I do think there is some real potential, so far.


----------



## Lila

Mr. Tall & Tattooed and I had an unplanned dinner date during the week (#2) and then I invited him out to my favorite activity and dinner last night (#3). I'm really digging this guy. He has an outrageous sense of humor and can track my stream of consciousness conversation topics like a champ. Everything feels natural with him. It's like I've known him for years not weeks.

At this point, I have only two concerns. The lesser one is that he's an adrenaline junky, which he feeds by way of his career. Time will tell if we are able to complement each other in that department.

The second one is more concerning and an imminent one. We haven't had sex but there's been lots of making out and 2nd base type stuff. The kissing is great but the rest of it ....he's a lot rougher than I like. He's trying to be gentle but it's still rough. He's got 15 inches and many lbs of muscle on me, and his hands and _other_ body parts are proportional to his height. Escalating sexual activities is out unless he can show me he can be gentle. I'm sure if it's meant to be, it'll be.


----------



## farsidejunky

Lila said:


> Mr. Tall & Tattooed and I had an unplanned dinner date during the week (#2) and then I invited him out to my favorite activity and dinner last night (#3). I'm really digging this guy. He has an outrageous sense of humor and can track my stream of consciousness conversation topics like a champ. Everything feels natural with him. It's like I've known him for years not weeks.
> 
> At this point, I have only two concerns. The lesser one is that he's an adrenaline junky, which he feeds by way of his career. Time will tell if we are able to complement each other in that department.
> 
> The second one is more concerning and an imminent one. We haven't had sex but there's been lots of making out and 2nd base type stuff. The kissing is great but the rest of it ....he's a lot rougher than I like. He's trying to be gentle but it's still rough. He's got 15 inches and many lbs of muscle on me, and his hands and _other_ body parts are proportional to his height. Escalating sexual activities is out unless he can show me he can be gentle. I'm sure if it's meant to be, it'll be.


For clarity, did you communicate to him to ease up, or are you testing him to see if he does it on his own?

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


----------



## m.t.t

Lila said:


> Mr. Tall & Tattooed and I had an unplanned dinner date during the week (#2) and then I invited him out to my favorite activity and dinner last night (#3). I'm really digging this guy. He has an outrageous sense of humor and can track my stream of consciousness conversation topics like a champ. Everything feels natural with him. It's like I've known him for years not weeks.
> 
> At this point, I have only two concerns. The lesser one is that he's an adrenaline junky, which he feeds by way of his career. Time will tell if we are able to complement each other in that department.
> 
> The second one is more concerning and an imminent one. We haven't had sex but there's been lots of making out and 2nd base type stuff. The kissing is great but the rest of it ....he's a lot rougher than I like. He's trying to be gentle but it's still rough. He's got 15 inches and many lbs of muscle on me, and his hands and _other_ body parts are proportional to his height. Escalating sexual activities is out unless he can show me he can be gentle. I'm sure if it's meant to be, it'll be.


time will tell, but just try and talk to him about it when you are not in the middle of fooling around, tell him that's what you need of him and that's what you like. Some folk like it rough and gentle just doesn't work for them, best be clear now.


----------



## heartsbeating

Lila said:


> He's got 15 inches ...


Oh c'mon, I can't be the only one that read it like this.


----------



## heartsbeating

Elizabeth001 said:


> INFJ for me.
> 
> I boinked my neighbor last night
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Surprisingly, I woke up with no regrets…he’s a very nice man. Sent me flowers this morning:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Don’t know where it’s going. Don’t care. Sure was a long dry spell though!
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I feel like this post has been brought to us by the letter F ....for flowers


----------



## ConanHub

heartsbeating said:


> Oh c'mon, I can't be the only one that read it like this.


I'd be scared.😋


----------



## heartsbeating

Lila said:


> He's completely different physically and personality-wise from what I have historically dated/married (over 6'6, tattooed from neck to ankles, *mate-guarder*).


This piqued my interest before, yet I didn't ask then and so I'm asking now.

How did you identify that he's a 'mate-guarder' and what's the context in which you meant this?


----------



## ConanHub

Technical difficulties.


----------



## ConanHub

farsidejunky said:


> For clarity, did you communicate to him to ease up, or are you testing him to see if he does it on his own?
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


Umm...

This.


----------



## TXTrini

Lila said:


> Mr. Tall & Tattooed and I had an unplanned dinner date during the week (#2) and then I invited him out to my favorite activity and dinner last night (#3). I'm really digging this guy. He has an outrageous sense of humor and can track my stream of consciousness conversation topics like a champ. Everything feels natural with him. It's like I've known him for years not weeks.
> 
> At this point, I have only two concerns. The lesser one is that he's an adrenaline junky, which he feeds by way of his career. Time will tell if we are able to complement each other in that department.
> 
> The second one is more concerning and an imminent one. We haven't had sex but there's been lots of making out and 2nd base type stuff. The kissing is great but the rest of it ....he's a lot rougher than I like. He's trying to be gentle but it's still rough. He's got 15 inches and many lbs of muscle on me, and his hands and _other_ body parts are proportional to his height. Escalating sexual activities is out unless he can show me he can be gentle. I'm sure if it's meant to be, it'll be.


I don't know, he sounds pretty good 
What's the worst that could happen?


ConanHub said:


> I'd be scared.😋


Don't be a *****!


----------



## m.t.t

heartsbeating said:


> Oh c'mon, I can't be the only one that read it like this.


I thought this too!


----------



## Blondilocks

Elizabeth001 said:


> INFJ for me.
> 
> I boinked my neighbor last night
> 
> Surprisingly, I woke up with no regrets…he’s a very nice man. Sent me flowers this morning:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Don’t know where it’s going. Don’t care. Sure was a long dry spell though!
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Am I going to have to call on Eagle-Eye Andy to tell me what is written on the card? 
Nosy people want to know.


----------



## LisaDiane

heartsbeating said:


> Oh c'mon, I can't be the only one that read it like this.


Holy crap, that couldn't be possible in real life, could it??? Lol!!!


----------



## LisaDiane

Elizabeth001 said:


> INFJ for me.
> 
> I boinked my neighbor last night
> 
> Surprisingly, I woke up with no regrets…he’s a very nice man. Sent me flowers this morning:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Don’t know where it’s going. Don’t care. Sure was a long dry spell though!
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


YAY!!!! Does this mean you've changed your stance on only enjoying sex with an emotional connection?


----------



## Not

Lila said:


> Mr. Tall & Tattooed and I had an unplanned dinner date during the week (#2) and then I invited him out to my favorite activity and dinner last night (#3). I'm really digging this guy. He has an outrageous sense of humor and can track my stream of consciousness conversation topics like a champ. Everything feels natural with him. It's like I've known him for years not weeks.
> 
> At this point, I have only two concerns. The lesser one is that he's an adrenaline junky, which he feeds by way of his career. Time will tell if we are able to complement each other in that department.
> 
> The second one is more concerning and an imminent one. We haven't had sex but there's been lots of making out and 2nd base type stuff. The kissing is great but the rest of it ....he's a lot rougher than I like. He's trying to be gentle but it's still rough. He's got 15 inches and many lbs of muscle on me, and his hands and _other_ body parts are proportional to his height. Escalating sexual activities is out unless he can show me he can be gentle. I'm sure if it's meant to be, it'll be.


It sounds like he really really likes you. Between the mate guarding and this level of passion I'd say you just might be one lucky girl. Passion is so important. I've dated two who were not in touch with that side of life at all. One wouldn't even talk about sex. The last BF was extremely passionate and what I noticed is that the passion spilled over into other areas of life.

Not all men are built equal so when you find one like this definitely try to keep an open mind. You can learn a lot about yourself being with someone like this.


----------



## ConanHub

TXTrini said:


> Don't be a ***!


With something like that in the room, a ***** is about the last thing I would want to be.😉😁


----------



## ConanHub

LisaDiane said:


> Holy crap, that couldn't be possible in real life, could it??? Lol!!!


The largest recorded one right now is attached to a not very tall or in shape white guy and measures 13.5". I'm taller than him but he quite outstrips me in other areas! LoL! 😉


----------



## LisaDiane

ConanHub said:


> The largest recorded one right now is attached to a not very tall or in shape white guy and measures 13.5". I'm taller than him but he quite outstrips me in other areas! LoL! 😉


Outstrips you in a GOOD way!!!!!!! Because that is HORRIBLE!!!!!! I think I would grab a cattle prod if I saw that thing coming at me...NOPE!!!!!!!


----------



## Lila

farsidejunky said:


> For clarity, did you communicate to him to ease up, or are you testing him to see if he does it on his own?
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


I absolutely did and have held his hand to show him. He's open to learning but he forgets as soon as he gets excited again. It's his natural state I'm afraid.


----------



## Elizabeth001

Blondilocks said:


> Am I going to have to call on Eagle-Eye Andy to tell me what is written on the card?
> Nosy people want to know.


It says “from #3”. He calls me #2. It’s our street addresses. lol


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Elizabeth001

LisaDiane said:


> YAY!!!! Does this mean you've changed your stance on only enjoying sex with an emotional connection?


Naw…I had been drinking. He’s uber nice but I’m not having the same feels as he is. My usual story 

Plus he’s over 10 years older than me :/


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Lila

m.t.t said:


> time will tell, but just try and talk to him about it when you are not in the middle of fooling around, tell him that's what you need of him and that's what you like. Some folk like it rough and gentle just doesn't work for them, best be clear now.


I was very clear the type of lover I am. We had that discussion early on because I know sexual compatibility can make or break a relationship. No sense wasting his time (or mine) if he was not close to me sexually. I worded my questions using 1 to 10 so it's not Iike he tailored his answers to suit my likes/dislikes. E.g. on a scale of 1 to 10 where 1 is [blank] and 10 is [blank]..... He seemed to be relatively close to me on those things.


----------



## Lila

heartsbeating said:


> Oh c'mon, I can't be the only one that read it like this.


Ha, if that had been the case, my update would have said "had to let Mr. Tall and Tattooed go. He was packing way more heat than I care to handle" 😁


----------



## ConanHub

LisaDiane said:


> Outstrips you in a GOOD way!!!!!!! Because that is HORRIBLE!!!!!! I think I would grab a cattle prod if I saw that thing coming at me...NOPE!!!!!!!


LoL! Cattle is the word that does come to mind.😆

I do not envy him.

Being a man, I get the fixation with size but I have plenty of knowledge that would persuade me against ever wanting a monster!😳


----------



## Lila

heartsbeating said:


> This piqued my interest before, yet I didn't ask then and so I'm asking now.
> 
> How did you identify that he's a 'mate-guarder' and what's the context in which you meant this?


Based on my conversations and interactions with him. Let's just say, he's led a wild life.


----------



## Lila

TXTrini said:


> I don't know, he sounds pretty good
> What's the worst that could happen?


I want to avoid getting hurt physically.


----------



## 2&out

Hmm... three of TAMS prim & proper high standards ladies are flirting with the dark side... Muaaahaahaahaa. One now wants an aggressive tough guy, one is fraternizing with likely an experienced wrong side of the law guy, (to me looks like they should trade guys) and one's banging the old man next door. Awesome ! ) Welcome. LOL.


----------



## Lila

2&out said:


> Hmm... three of TAMS prim & proper high standards ladies are flirting with the dark side... Muaaahaahaahaa. One now wants an aggressive tough guy, one is fraternizing with likely an experienced wrong side of the law guy, (to me looks like they should switch guys) and one's banging the old man next door. Awesome ! ) Welcome. LOL.


Hey man, just because I'm dating an aggressive tough guy doesn't mean he doesn't meet my high standards.


----------



## Numb26

Lila said:


> Hey man, just because I'm dating an aggressive tough guy doesn't mean he doesn't meet my high standards.


LOL Dark Side....


----------



## Lila

😉


----------



## TXTrini

Lila said:


> I want to avoid getting hurt physically.


Now you have me curious 😆 



2&out said:


> Hmm... three of TAMS prim & proper high standards ladies are flirting with the dark side... Muaaahaahaahaa. One now wants an aggressive tough guy, one is fraternizing with likely an experienced wrong side of the law guy, (to me looks like they should trade guys) and one's banging the old man next door. Awesome ! ) Welcome. LOL.


Who's the 3? Plus, how do you know who is prim and proper? 

People wear social masks, and only share everything with select few.


----------



## TXTrini

Elizabeth001 said:


> It says “from #3”. He calls me #2. It’s our street addresses. lol
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Doesn't being called number 2 make you cringe? 😆 😆 😆 

That was the worst part of Star Trek for me ! Just couldn't take number 2 seriously.


----------



## LisaDiane

Elizabeth001 said:


> Naw…I had been drinking. He’s uber nice but I’m not having the same feels as he is. My usual story
> 
> Plus he’s over 10 years older than me :/
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


That's too old...?? Sounds nice to me...Lol!!! 

You can't grow feelings?


----------



## Elizabeth001

TXTrini said:


> Doesn't being called number 2 make you cringe?
> 
> That was the worst part of Star Trek for me ! Just couldn't take number 2 seriously.


The number 2 has significant meanings for me on multiple levels, none of which refer to second place or . Besides…it really is my street address and that’s not changing (hopefully) ever. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Elizabeth001

LisaDiane said:


> That's too old...?? Sounds nice to me...Lol!!!
> 
> You can't grow feelings?


Yes…for me personally, I would prefer the age gap to be 7 years or less. It’s nice to be from the same(ish) generation.

And I suppose feelings can grow if there is chemistry first. I don’t really feel that for him unless there’s a bottle of rum around. At that point, everyone looks sexy to me. lol 

He, on the other hand, has stars in his eyes. Oops I did it again. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Elizabeth001

TXTrini said:


> Now you have me curious
> 
> 
> Who's the 3? Plus, how do you know who is prim and proper?
> 
> People wear social masks, and only share everything with select few.


I’m the #3 banging the old guy next door. 


ETA: I am most definitely NOT prim and proper


----------



## TXTrini

Elizabeth001 said:


> I’m the #3 banging the old guy next door.
> 
> 
> ETA: I am most definitely NOT prim and proper


Careful. Sounds like you could really hurt him, just remember you're not the only lonely person around.


----------



## Numb26

At least you are all out having fun. I am stuck in a dating desert right now, not for lack of possibilities but for lack of understanding cultural norms here when it comes to dating. LMAO


----------



## LisaDiane

Elizabeth001 said:


> Yes…for me personally, I would prefer the age gap to be 7 years or less. It’s nice to be from the same(ish) generation.
> 
> And I suppose feelings can grow if there is chemistry first. I don’t really feel that for him unless there’s a bottle of rum around. At that point, everyone looks sexy to me. lol
> 
> He, on the other hand, has stars in his eyes. Oops I did it again.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Well, my STBX is 8yrs older than me, and he's hurt me with his selfish immaturity....older looks pretty attractive to me now.

I hope you don't hurt him and things turn uncomfortable now too, with him being your neighbor!


----------



## Elizabeth001

TXTrini said:


> Careful. Sounds like you could really hurt him, just remember you're not the only lonely person around.


Yaaa…I need to have a heart to heart with him. They never listen though :/


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## ConanHub

Elizabeth001 said:


> I’m the #3 banging the old guy next door.
> 
> 
> ETA: I am most definitely NOT prim and proper


Yeah. I was wondering about my favorite TAM pervert being labeled that.🤣


----------



## LisaDiane

Elizabeth001 said:


> And I suppose feelings can grow if there is chemistry first. I don’t really feel that for him unless there’s a bottle of rum around. At that point, everyone looks sexy to me. lol


Doesn't the sex feel good though...?? Lol!!


----------



## Elizabeth001

LisaDiane said:


> Doesn't the sex feel good though...?? Lol!!


Yes…but not what I know it can be. Sober for one :/


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Elizabeth001

ConanHub said:


> Yeah. I was wondering about my favorite TAM pervert being labeled that.


You know me too well my friend 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## heartsbeating

Blondilocks said:


> Am I going to have to call on Eagle-Eye Andy to tell me what is written on the card?
> Nosy people want to know.


_Roses are red 
and also thorny
thinking of you 
makes me horny_


----------



## TXTrini

Elizabeth001 said:


> Yaaa…I need to have a heart to heart with him. They never listen though :/
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


That would be up to him then, but even so, it doesn't hurt to cover your butt. Figuratively anyway 🤣


----------



## heartsbeating

Strangely, I recall that 'poem' from back in high school without recollection of which guy said it. I thought it was funny and it's stuck with me all these years. Much like a joke my friend told me when I was about 10: why couldn't the spider climb up the wall? Because he had a piano attached to his foot.  I learned that I can't share that with people 'out there' as I end up the only one laughing.


----------



## Elizabeth001

heartsbeating said:


> _Roses are red
> and also thorny
> thinking of you
> makes me horny_


Effing LOVE this!!!!




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Lila

Looks like I spoke too fast. It's over with Tall and Tattooed. The worst part is that he won't come out and say "not interested" or what I think really happened "I met someone I like better". He's being non-responsive when up until yesterday evening he was messaging every hour and calling to talk. People don't turn on a dime like that unless they've met someone better.

I'm glad that I go into dating situations with little expectations for success. To quote Ariana Grande.....Thank You, Next.


----------



## heartsbeating

Lila said:


> Looks like I spoke too fast. It's over with Tall and Tattooed. The worst part is that he won't come out and say "not interested" or what I think really happened "I met someone I like better". He's being non-responsive when you until yesterday evening he was messaging every hour and calling to talk. People don't turn on a dime like that unless they've met someone better.
> 
> I'm glad that I go into dating situations with little expectations for success. To quote Ariana Grande.....Thank You, Next.


Any chance something just came up? ...aside from another woman I mean. 

Although this isn't your point, messaging every hour sounds a bit suffocating (to me, at least).

Anyway, onward and upward!


----------



## minimalME

Lila said:


> I'm glad that I go into dating situations with little expectations for success.


It's amazing that you can truly stay so detatched - and maintain a good attitude.

It was all so stressful to me, and doing the above over and over again was in no way enjoyable.


----------



## heartsbeating




----------



## m.t.t

Lila said:


> . He's being non-responsive when up until yesterday evening he was messaging every hour and calling to talk.


that sounds really full on. My experience with someone like this with communication was if they were silent they were sulking. He sounds very intense.


----------



## ConanHub

It sounds so cutthroat these days...😟


----------



## LisaDiane

Lila said:


> Looks like I spoke too fast. It's over with Tall and Tattooed. The worst part is that he won't come out and say "not interested" or what I think really happened "I met someone I like better". He's being non-responsive when up until yesterday evening he was messaging every hour and calling to talk. People don't turn on a dime like that unless they've met someone better.
> 
> I'm glad that I go into dating situations with little expectations for success. To quote Ariana Grande.....Thank You, Next.


I guess sometimes people just change their minds, or they pretend to be more invested than they actually are, so they can keep all their options open maybe...?? UGH...that sucks!!!


----------



## Lila

heartsbeating said:


> Any chance something just came up? ...aside from another woman I mean.
> 
> Although this isn't your point, messaging every hour sounds a bit suffocating (to me, at least).
> 
> Anyway, onward and upward!


I am not sure what's going on but with my track record, I don't want to try to figure it out. 

The messaging wasn't suffocating only because it was a continuation of a long conversation. We could go hours then have a thought and keep it going. It's weird. We could sit in quiet too.


----------



## Lila

minimalME said:


> It's amazing that you can truly stay so detatched - and maintain a good attitude.
> 
> It was all so stressful to me, and doing the above over and over again was in no way enjoyable.


The dating circus does get old quick. It's one of the reasons why I keep doing the on again/off again thing with FWB turned boyfriend. He's a complicated man but he's consistent and I know he loves me. Problem with him is that he's a complicated man. 😳. He's been coming around again. It's like he senses when I'm moving on.


----------



## TXTrini

Lila said:


> Looks like I spoke too fast. It's over with Tall and Tattooed. The worst part is that he won't come out and say "not interested" or what I think really happened "I met someone I like better". He's being non-responsive when up until yesterday evening he was messaging every hour and calling to talk. People don't turn on a dime like that unless they've met someone better.
> 
> I'm glad that I go into dating situations with little expectations for success. To quote Ariana Grande.....Thank You, Next.


Wow. Interesting such a big tall man is too much of a wuss to say anything. Sorry, Lila. 

I never understand why people pretend to be having a "wonderful " time if they're not.


----------



## Numb26

Lila said:


> I'm glad that I go into dating situations with little expectations for success. To quote Ariana Grande.....Thank You, Next.


That is very smart!!!


----------



## Lila

ConanHub said:


> It sounds so cutthroat these days...😟


It is SUPER cutthroat, and unfortunately it hardens us. You learn to play when you're in the game, or you get eaten alive. This is modern dating.


----------



## Lila

LisaDiane said:


> I guess sometimes people just change their minds, or they pretend to be more invested than they actually are, so they can keep all their options open maybe...?? UGH...that sucks!!!





TXTrini said:


> Wow. Interesting such a big tall man is too much of a wuss to say anything. Sorry, Lila.
> 
> 
> I never understand why people pretend to be having a "wonderful " time if they're not.



Yep. He's a coward.


I have no doubt he had a good time. Our first date was 4.5 hours, second was mid week short notice dinner invite from him (we closed the restaurant), and our 3rd date was 6 hours. We definitely had fun but he found better. It happens.


----------



## TXTrini

Lila said:


> Yep. He's a coward.
> 
> 
> I have no doubt he had a good time. Our first date was 4.5 hours, second was mid week short notice dinner invite from him (we closed the restaurant), and our 3rd date was 6 hours. We definitely had fun but he found better. It happens.


I still can't wrap my head around it... Maybe I can't imagine treating someone like that unless they do something to deserve it. 

It's wonderful that you don't take it to heart, because that speaks volumes as to the kind of person he is.

Btw, what makes Pogo Sitck complicated?


----------



## Lila

TXTrini said:


> I still can't wrap my head around it... Maybe I can't imagine treating someone like that unless they do something to deserve it.
> 
> It's wonderful that you don't take it to heart, because that speaks volumes as to the kind of person he is.
> 
> Btw, what makes Pogo Sitck complicated?


It's crazy girl. 

😂 On pogo stick. This is his new pseudo for him. 

Pogo Stick would take pages and pages to explain. Suffice it to say he wants me to be me but he also wants me to be something I'm not.


----------



## heartsbeating

Lila said:


> Yep. He's a coward.
> 
> 
> I have no doubt he had a good time. Our first date was 4.5 hours, second was mid week short notice dinner invite from him (we closed the restaurant), and our 3rd date was 6 hours. We definitely had fun but he found better. It happens.


While trying to keep things anonymous, what was the context of the last communication with him?


----------



## heartsbeating

Lila said:


> It's crazy girl.
> 
> 😂 On pogo stick. This is his new pseudo for him.
> 
> Pogo Stick would take pages and pages to explain. Suffice it to say he wants me to be me but he also wants me to be something I'm not.


My opinion is not to go back there. He's not your long-term view and so a distraction from other potential suitors. Yes, I said suitors.


----------



## Elizabeth001

Lila said:


> Yep. He's a coward.
> 
> 
> I have no doubt he had a good time. Our first date was 4.5 hours, second was mid week short notice dinner invite from him (we closed the restaurant), and our 3rd date was 6 hours. We definitely had fun but he found better. It happens.


Sweetie…he realized that you were too good for him. You should be knowin’ this play by now. 

His bar is probably quite a bit little lower and he found some sludge to hang with. 

In other words, you dodged a bullet. 

Never settle. Errrr….unless you have drank too much rum. Then, by all means, screw your old man neighbor so good that he sends you flowers the next day 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## m.t.t

Lila said:


> Looks like I spoke too fast. It's over with Tall and Tattooed. The worst part is that he won't come out and say "not interested" or what I think really happened "I met someone I like better". He's being non-responsive when up until yesterday evening he was messaging every hour and calling to talk. People don't turn on a dime like that unless they've met someone better.
> 
> I'm glad that I go into dating situations with little expectations for success. To quote Ariana Grande.....Thank You, Next.


just curious how long were you seeing one another for?


----------



## Not

I was seeing a guy about 2 1/2 years ago who I broke it off with because he had no time for dating. He contacted me about 8 months later and wanted to try again, said he had cut down the numbers of hours he was working.

So we were talking and going out again then about a month in he ghosted me. I had no clue as to why. So I sent him a text telling him at least I had had the balls to tell him to his face when I ended it and not to contact me again at any point in the future for any reason. Felt great lol!

He’s been the only one but if it happens again I will call them out.


----------



## Lila

heartsbeating said:


> While trying to keep things anonymous, what was the context of the last communication with him?


Last message was a good morning followed by unsolicited sexual content. 🙄 I didn't see it right away and when I did, I chose to ignore it. Changed the topic to no response. 



heartsbeating said:


> My opinion is not to go back there. He's not your long-term view and so a distraction from other potential suitors. Yes, I said suitors.


I want to believe you're right @heartsbeating but then I go out and try to meet other men to epic failure. Tall and Tattooed is just the latest fail. The vast majority of men in my age bracket of interest are only interested in sex, in which case I might as well keep seeing Pogo Stick. At least I know the sex is going to be great. Ykwim? 

It's been 3.5 years since my marriage ended. I honestly don't think modern dating is for people like me who want an emotional connection and a deeply intimate relationship both in and out of the bedroom. That's a pipe dream.


----------



## Lila

m.t.t said:


> just curious how long were you seeing one another for?


Only 3 weeks. Honestly I have done a **** ton of dating (at last count over 50 first dates). This one seemed different.


----------



## LisaDiane

Lila said:


> It is SUPER cutthroat, and unfortunately it hardens us. You learn to play when you're in the game, or you get eaten alive. This is modern dating.


This sounds horrible.


----------



## Lila

Elizabeth001 said:


> Sweetie…he realized that you were too good for him. You should be knowin’ this play by now.
> 
> *His bar is probably quite a bit little lower and he found some sludge to hang with.*
> 
> In other words, you dodged a bullet.
> 
> Never settle. Errrr….unless you have drank too much rum. Then, by all means, screw your old man neighbor so good that he sends you flowers the next day
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I ❤ you Elizabeth. 

It's interesting you mentioned the bolded. I thought it strange when he mentioned the "crazy" women he had dated. My guess is that for all of his complaining, he LIKES crazy. I may be a b***h but I'm not crazy.


----------



## LisaDiane

Lila said:


> It's been 3.5 years since my marriage ended. I honestly don't think modern dating is for *people like me who want an emotional connection and a deeply intimate relationship both in and out of the bedroom. * That's a pipe dream.


What do you mean by this...? Do you mean those guys only want to have sex and then not talk or do anything else in between that? What is a deeply intimate relationship to YOU?
(not judging, just curious)


----------



## Not

Lila, I have a feeling he’s been testing you. I could be wrong but I think most men dream of ending up with a Lady in the street but a Freak in the sheets. Nothing wrong with that but I think a lot of us ladies zero in on the sex part and get scared off by the pressure they seem to be applying. I could be wrong of course.


----------



## heartsbeating

Lila said:


> Last message was a good morning followed by unsolicited sexual content. 🙄 I didn't see it right away and when I did, I chose to ignore it. Changed the topic to no response.
> 
> I want to believe you're right @heartsbeating but then I go out and try to meet other men to epic failure. Tall and Tattooed is just the latest fail. The vast majority of men in my age bracket of interest are only interested in sex, in which case I might as well keep seeing Pogo Stick. At least I know the sex is going to be great. Ykwim?
> 
> It's been 3.5 years since my marriage ended. I honestly don't think modern dating is for people like me who want an emotional connection and a deeply intimate relationship both in and out of the bedroom. That's a pipe dream.


Okay, I have NO IDEA about modern dating as you know. However, just for a second I put myself in his shoes. Okay, it depends on what he messaged you to receive an eye-roll emoticon here and warranted changing the subject; that aside, hypothetically if I sent a flirty/sexy message that went _crickets_ and then neutral / regular message back, I'd likely be thinking 'hmpph... okay, they ignored that and not into it... or into it with me'. Yes, yes I also acknowledge gender differences. Just throwing it out there. Although now I loop my thought back to the start of this post, in that I have no idea what I'm talking about and really ought to exit this thread.


----------



## heartsbeating

Lila said:


> Last message was a good morning followed by unsolicited sexual content. 🙄 I didn't see it right away and when I did, I chose to ignore it. Changed the topic to no response.
> 
> I want to believe you're right @heartsbeating but then I go out and try to meet other men to epic failure. Tall and Tattooed is just the latest fail. The vast majority of men in my age bracket of interest are only interested in sex, in which case I might as well keep seeing Pogo Stick. At least I know the sex is going to be great. Ykwim?
> 
> It's been 3.5 years since my marriage ended. I honestly don't think modern dating is for people like me who want an emotional connection and a deeply intimate relationship both in and out of the bedroom. That's a pipe dream.


Wait, hold up... you just mentioned vast majority of men in your age bracket prioritize sex and then the reason that you might as well keep seeing Pogo is because you know the sex is going to be great. I kind of get what you mean but mostly don't. If you're not getting the emotional / intimate connection you desire with Pogo, and just going for the quality sex, then why not keep dating for the potential of other quality sex plus the emotional connection. Still, arrghhh I need to get out of this thread as I absolutely recognize that I have no business being here! Honestly, dating does sound quite brutal ...and you're out there, you're doing it, you're giving it a chance.


----------



## Lila

LisaDiane said:


> What do you mean by this...? Do you mean those guys only want to have sex and then not talk or do anything else in between that? What is a deeply intimate relationship to YOU?
> (not judging, just curious)


In my experience, most guys are looking for easy sexual satisfaction with little intimacy. That's not a problem if they were up front about it. I make it known that I'm looking for a monogamous relationship - something where there is genuine affection, and where I can feel safe and be vulnerable. Do you know how many of the men I have met lied and told me they're looking for the same thing in an attempt to get me in bed. MOST of them. My saving grace is that I have a highly honed red flag meter, and I am very upfront about needing exclusivity to have sex. 

I absolutely hate the dating game. It is mentally draining. I'll also add that the most popular way for people to find dates (online dating) is soul crushing. 

I am in a great place in life and am ready to grow something meaningful with the right guy but it's looking less likely every day.


----------



## Lila

Not said:


> Lila, I have a feeling he’s been testing you. I could be wrong but I think most men dream of ending up with a Lady in the street but a Freak in the sheets. Nothing wrong with that but I think a lot of us ladies zero in on the sex part and get scared off by the pressure they seem to be applying. I could be wrong of course.


What's he testing?


----------



## Not

Lila said:


> What's he testing?


Your level of freak. He already knows you’re a lady. He’s looking for his unicorn, his person.


----------



## heartsbeating

Well, despite my best effort to keep away, I'm back already as I had an afterthought about the drop off of text communication. And it does depend on what he sent you. However, by not responding to it to communicate that's not what you're down with (whether done directly or in a light-hearted way), it sounds like you just side-stepped it by changing the topic. And yet, he also hasn't responded to whatever you sent which indicates he's side-stepped addressing your sidestep to understand better. If he's being sexual/flirty with you, and you ignored that, could it be interpreted as rejection from you? Also, I'm not suggesting that you roll with something that you're not down with. I guess what I am suggesting is not to side-step; granted, by doing so you have provided a communication that may well demonstrate that you're not compatible in what you're either both seeking, or the style of it. Forgive me for popping back in. I'll try to limit it from here. If anything though, it sounds to me like you're more the one that put the brake on.


----------



## Lila

Not said:


> Your level of freak. He already knows you’re a lady. He’s looking for his unicorn, his person.


Maybe. We've talked about our likes/dislikes and seem to be okay. It's possible he's looking for someone who will send him explicit pics and videos. If that's the case, then it's good he ghosted. I don't text sexually explicit pics of myself, much less after only 3 dates and no talk of exclusivity. I'm paranoid that way.


----------



## Lila

heartsbeating said:


> Wait, hold up... you just mentioned vast majority of men in your age bracket prioritize sex and then the reason that you might as well keep seeing Pogo is because you know the sex is going to be great. I kind of get what you mean but mostly don't. If you're not getting the emotional / intimate connection you desire with Pogo, and just going for the quality sex, then why not keep dating for the potential of other quality sex plus the emotional connection. Still, arrghhh I need to get out of this thread as I absolutely recognize that I have no business being here! Honestly, dating does sound quite brutal ...and you're out there, you're doing it, you're giving it a chance.


What I meant was that if I'm going to settle, then I might as well settle for Pogo. At least he and I have an intimate connection; our problems lay beyond the intimacy and affection we share. It's significant incompatibilities that I have accepted but he has not. He wants me to change which is why we keep breaking up. 

I keep trying to put myself out there in the hopes I'll find someone who will accept me as I am and want to share affection, intimacy, and companionship. I'm not interested in getting remarried but I do crave having that special someone I can trust in my life.


----------



## heartsbeating

Lila said:


> What I meant was that if I'm going to settle, then I might as well settle for Pogo. At least he and I have an intimate connection; our problems lay beyond the intimacy and affection we share. It's significant incompatibilities that I have accepted but he has not. He wants me to change which is why we keep breaking up.
> 
> I keep trying to put myself out there in the hopes I'll find someone who will accept me as I am and want to share affection, intimacy, and companionship. I'm not interested in getting remarried but I do crave having that special someone I can trust in my life.


Don't settle.

Not for Pogo or 15 inches.


----------



## Not

Lila said:


> Maybe. We've talked about our likes/dislikes and seem to be okay. It's possible he's looking for someone who will send him explicit pics and videos. If that's the case, then it's good he ghosted. I don't text sexually explicit pics of myself, much less after only 3 days and no talk of exclusivity. I'm paranoid that way.


That’s not being paranoid that’s being smart. Did he ask for pictures?

I agree with heart, I think it was your reaction to whatever he sent that sent him packing. Granted, if you‘re just not feeling it it’s so hard to reply to something like that. I mean, what do you even say? Very awkward position to be in.


----------



## ccpowerslave

IMO the pics thing is weird and I don’t get it. I know it’s common now but why would I want a picture when I have the real thing?


----------



## Lila

heartsbeating said:


> Don't settle.
> 
> Not for Pogo or 15 inches.



Lol @heartsbeating you're on a roll with the pseudo names. 🤣🤣 15 inches

I think everyone settles eventually. If my wants and desires were in one bubble and the options available to me were in another, the goal is to find the best of the overlap (venn diagram). I'm not going to get everything I want and my options will be limited.


----------



## Not

ccpowerslave said:


> IMO the pics thing is weird and I don’t get it. I know it’s common now but why would I want a picture when I have the real thing?


Pics fall flat for me in the dating scene when you barely know someone. I swear though it reminds me of young boys sneaking a playboy mag into their rooms. It may be the naughty factor. Shrug


----------



## heartsbeating

Lila said:


> Lol @heartsbeating you're on a roll with the pseudo names. 🤣🤣 15 inches
> 
> I think everyone settles eventually. If my wants and desires were in one bubble and the options available to me were in another, the goal is to find the best of the overlap (venn diagram). I'm not going to get everything I want and my options will be limited.


I can't relate to venn diagram thinking when it comes to matters of the heart. You've got so much life and love yet to give. I stand by not to settle. Even if that meant years of being solo/alone; and not to be confused with lonely.


----------



## Lila

Not said:


> That’s not being paranoid that’s being smart. Did he ask for pictures?


He's never asked for pics which is a good thing.



> I agree with heart, I think it was your reaction to whatever he sent that sent him packing. Granted, if you‘re just not feeling it it’s so hard to reply to something like that. I mean, what do you even say? Very awkward position to be in.


Yeah, i was caught off guard to be sure. I mean it's not like I hadn't seen it. As @ccpowerslave said why do I need that when i can have the real thing? 

And you're right, what do you say? Do you send back a thumbs up emoji? Rate it - x out of 5 stars? Write an ode describing it's glory? What????


----------



## ConanHub

Elizabeth001 said:


> Sweetie…he realized that you were too good for him. You should be knowin’ this play by now.
> 
> His bar is probably quite a bit little lower and he found some sludge to hang with.
> 
> In other words, you dodged a bullet.
> 
> Never settle. Errrr….unless you have drank too much rum. Then, by all means, screw your old man neighbor so good that he sends you flowers the next day
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


You are such a dork and I hope you really are ok.😉😋


----------



## heartsbeating

Lila said:


> He's never asked for pics which is a good thing.
> 
> Yeah, i was caught off guard to be sure. I mean it's not like I hadn't seen it. As @ccpowerslave said why do I need that when i can have the real thing?
> 
> And you're right, what do you say? Do you send back a thumbs up emoji? Rate it - x out of 5 stars? Write an ode describing it's glory? What????


I haven't stayed away from this thread 😩
Without knowing anything about anything, I'd imagine something like....

Encouragement: 
Yummy!

Light discouragement: 
My phone is far too innocent for this. Keep it to in-person. When are we next meeting?

Discouragement: 
I'm not down with sexting.


----------



## Not

This may be an unpopular opinion but I think with some tact this situation is fixable. I have no tact so can’t offer up a tactful way to approach him about it lol! I do think his feels are hurt though.

He was sounding pretty awesome to me.


----------



## m.t.t

Lila said:


> I ❤ you Elizabeth.
> 
> It's interesting you mentioned the bolded. I thought it strange when he mentioned the "crazy" women he had dated. My guess is that for all of his complaining, he LIKES crazy. I may be a b***h but I'm not crazy.


In my experience when a guy talks about crazy exes run. Usually he drove them nuts by his behaviour and won't own his part in it. It they frame it differently using words like incompatible etc it shows he respects others.


----------



## m.t.t

I also think you may have hurt his feelings by ignoring his jumbo man bit. If that was what the photo was.


----------



## Lila

heartsbeating said:


> I haven't stayed away from this thread 😩
> Without knowing anything about anything, I'd imagine something like....
> 
> Encouragement:
> Yummy!
> 
> Light discouragement:
> My phone is far too innocent for this. Keep it to in-person. When are we next meeting?
> 
> Discouragement:
> I'm not down with sexting.


Dang it. That's why I should have posted here before responding to him. I could have totally used the light discouragement since he'd talked about us meeting up this week.


----------



## heartsbeating

Lila said:


> Dang it. That's why I should have posted here before responding to him. I could have totally used the light discouragement since he'd talked about us meeting up this week.


Honestly, I don't think it's too late to salvage if you're into him. You could just reach out and express that you didn't know how to respond, that you think he is sexy AF (if that's true) but you're not down with sexting. Suggest you'd rather keep to in-person and ask when you're next meeting.

On the other hand.... if this has turned you off, that's okay too. And just move on.

Remembering also the disclaimer to all of this is that I know jack-wotsit about dating in these times.

The only D-pic (which I infer based on what you wrote in this thread) I have been exposed to was way back in the day when a guy randomly came up to me in a nightclub and flashed his phone at me with a photo of assumingly his 'member'. I must have pulled a face. Before I could even say anything to him, a large bouncer was at my side, and still without anything said, was throwing him out the club. I guess he'd seen him do it before. I don't know.


----------



## Lila

m.t.t said:


> In my experience when a guy talks about crazy exes run. *Usually he drove them nuts by his behaviour and won't own his part in it.* It they frame it differently using words like incompatible etc it shows he respects others.


The bolded had me cracking up. 

I do think he's dated some really troubled/trouble-making women in the past and he was trying something new with me. On the crazy/hot matrix, his picker was set high on both. 




m.t.t said:


> I also think you may have hurt his feelings by ignoring his jumbo man bit. If that was what the photo was.


🤣🤣🤣 Jumbo man bit. You and @heartsbeating are killing me tonight. Thank you. 

I probably did hurt his feelings. Maybe I'll reach out to him tomorrow, not to apologize but to explain that I wasnt expecting a message like that and that I prefer to keep that sort of stuff to in person interactions.


----------



## heartsbeating

I've also used the words 'suitor' and 'member' in this thread... so take from that what you will


----------



## Not

Lila, just a thought but I think it would help the situation tremendously to really stress how much you’re into him. Not to soothe his hurt feelings but so he can see you’re genuinely _that_ interested.


----------



## heartsbeating

OR... send him a rose and a note attached:

_Roses are red
and also thorny
I'm not down with sexting
but thinking of you
makes me horny _

Although that does keep it about the sex though


----------



## heartsbeating

Lila said:


> The bolded had me cracking up.
> 
> I do think he's dated some really troubled/trouble-making women in the past and he was trying something new with me. On the crazy/hot matrix, his picker was set high on both.
> 
> 
> 🤣🤣🤣 Jumbo man bit. You and @heartsbeating are killing me tonight. Thank you.
> 
> I probably did hurt his feelings. Maybe I'll reach out to him tomorrow, not to apologize but to explain that I wasnt expecting a message like that and that I prefer to keep that sort of stuff to in person interactions.


If you do reach out to him... be aware that by not sexting him, that he may not want to continue. I think both stances are okay. It just means you're not into the same approach. Still, worth communicating nonetheless in my book.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Lila said:


> I probably did hurt his feelings. Maybe I'll reach out to him tomorrow, not to apologize but to explain that I wasnt expecting a message like that and that I prefer to keep that sort of stuff to in person interactions.


Yes! I support this! 

I’m glad to see everyone had the same thought I did when you shared the pic info. I think either his ego got bruised that your panties didn’t fall off at the amazing sight of his glorious member.. or he took your ignoring it as a sign you’re not into him, and rather than having an uncomfortable conversation that he assumed was a waste of time, he decided it was easier to just quietly bow out. 

I’m anxious to see if he responds! Good luck!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## TXTrini

Lila said:


> It's crazy girl.
> 
> 😂 On pogo stick. This is his new pseudo for him.
> 
> Pogo Stick would take pages and pages to explain. Suffice it to say he wants me to be me but he also wants me to be something I'm not.


I have to agree with @heartsbeating .

Do you think keeping FWB in your life even though you know you don't see a future with him is pushing you further from what you say you want? 

It took me a bit to figure out I wanted exactly what you said, but you know what? It hasn't been a straight shot at getting there, I was really scared and nearly ****ed it up because I nearly listened to people right on this thread and dumped him. 

You always keep going back to Pogo , suppose there's really something there? 




Lila said:


> Last message was a good morning followed by unsolicited sexual content. 🙄 I didn't see it right away and when I did, I chose to ignore it. Changed the topic to no response.
> 
> I want to believe you're right @heartsbeating but then I go out and try to meet other men to epic failure. Tall and Tattooed is just the latest fail. The vast majority of men in my age bracket of interest are only interested in sex, in which case I might as well keep seeing Pogo Stick. At least I know the sex is going to be great. Ykwim?
> 
> It's been 3.5 years since my marriage ended. I honestly don't think modern dating is for people like me who want an emotional connection and a deeply intimate relationship both in and out of the bedroom. That's a pipe dream.


It's not a crime to be horny 😆 

So, I gotta ask.... does noone get a teensy bit naughty with the dude's they're eyeballing for boyfriendhood? I get being a lady and all, but when are you a woman with her own needs and desires? I'm not saying give away the cookies, but aren't you the least bit tempted?



Not said:


> Lila, I have a feeling he’s been testing you. I could be wrong but I think most men dream of ending up with a Lady in the street but a Freak in the sheets. Nothing wrong with that but I think a lot of us ladies zero in on the sex part and get scared off by the pressure they seem to be applying. I could be wrong of course.


I think you're spot on. 


Not said:


> Your level of freak. He already knows you’re a lady. He’s looking for his unicorn, his person.


Yup. Think about how many men come on here swearing they don't want another dead or boring bedroom (we ladies do too). It makes sense to see if there's any playfulness there before too invested.


----------



## TXTrini

Lila said:


> He's never asked for pics which is a good thing.
> 
> Yeah, i was caught off guard to be sure. I mean it's not like I hadn't seen it. As @ccpowerslave said why do I need that when i can have the real thing?
> 
> And you're right, what do you say? Do you send back a thumbs up emoji? Rate it - x out of 5 stars? Write an ode describing it's glory? What????


That's a lethal weapon you got there, wanna Die Hard?

Yeah... I got nuttin. In the same boat as Not. Tactless. 



Not said:


> This may be an unpopular opinion but I think with some tact this situation is fixable. I have no tact so can’t offer up a tactful way to approach him about it lol! I do think his feels are hurt though.
> 
> He was sounding pretty awesome to me.


Yes he was 😆. But then again, I like secretly naughty naughty boys masquerading as gentlemen.


----------



## heartsbeating

TXTrini said:


> That's a lethal weapon you got there, wanna Die Hard?
> 
> Yeah... I got nuttin. In the same boat as Not. Tactless.


I think there's a lot that could be said if one is into him and into sexting. 
However, I have kept my encouragement response as PG.


----------



## heartsbeating

TXTrini said:


> It's not a crime to be horny 😆
> 
> So, I gotta ask.... does noone get a teensy bit naughty with the dude's they're eyeballing for boyfriendhood? I get being a lady and all, but when are you a woman with her own needs and desires? I'm not saying give away the cookies, but aren't you the least bit tempted?


I'm laughing here, imagining if I felt into a guy, had made out, and felt the point was reached where I could send a sexy text or image... such as wearing a catwoman costume... then nothing for hours and the response back is about macroeconomics or inflation or something.  

I'm making light of this now, @Lila yet I still think there's nothing wrong with you not being into that kind of exchange with him. And given you have shared some level of sexual play with him, also nothing wrong with him trying to ignite that with you, as that's obviously something that he's into.


----------



## heartsbeating

TXTrini said:


> But then again, I like secretly naughty naughty boys masquerading as gentlemen.


Oh beHAVE.... that's pure catnip.


----------



## Hiner112

TXTrini said:


> But then again, I like secretly naughty naughty boys masquerading as gentlemen


I think my GF would agree with you.

Something she said early on:



> I love your kind blue eyes... And your mischievous smirk. What am I going to do with you Mr. Hiner?


----------



## jlg07

I'm sure she found a few things to do with you, eh "Mr Hiner"????


----------



## Emerging Buddhist

Affaircare said:


> I'm an INFP or INFJ depending on the day, but almost all of my scores are near 50/50. I definitely recharge with quiet and not by being with people, so I am an Introvert...but I truly love people and my score is something like 55% I and 45% E. I call myself an Ambivert.
> 
> The only one I'm strongly sure of is Intuitive/Sensor. I'm about 70% Intuitive and 30% Sensor. I love the senses, I do, but I gather my info via intuition...very strongly.
> 
> For Feeler/Thinker I lean toward Feeler, but I have enough Thinker in me that I can relate to the programers and nerds. I believe my score is 60% Feeler and 40% Thinker. So I analyze my feelings. LOL
> 
> Finally Perceiver/Judger is my closest score. I truly think it's 51%/49% and it changes from day to day! Some days I see all the possibilities and see 1000 shades of gray. The next day I see that civilized society has rules and it's balck and white.
> 
> My Beloved Buddhist is an ENFP I believe. It's funny because he's also an Ambivert, but he tends toward recharging at work with his co-workers or adventuring, but with just one or two close friends. So definitely and E...but not for TONS of people. Weird hey?
> 
> The rest of the letters, I'll let him explain. @Emerging Buddhist --wanna jump in here?
> 
> I'm sharing this because my first marriage was a disaster partially because I'm an INFP and my exH is an ESTJ--the exact opposite. Now, I tried to understand him and "relate"...but he did not and it got to where we had a lot of trouble communicating because we thought so differently and viewed life and ourselves so differently.
> 
> My second marriage I knew I needed someone closer to my personality type--hopefully 3 or the 4. Well, @Tanelornpete was an INTP/J so we got along on 3 of the 4 strongly, and the F vs T wasn't a big battle to understand. His I was MUCH stronger, his N was a good match, he shared his T and I shared my F, and we were both P/J! So we very much spoke the same language. I think that's part of why we were able to truly reconcile.
> 
> Finally with my Beloved Buddhist, we get along on 3 of 4 as well: We're both ambiverts-him leaning to E, and me leaning to I. And we're both NFP--I think I may be stronger Intuitive, we both have a good N/T balance, and we both go between P/J but tend toward P. So again, we very much speak the same language and when we try to communicate, we REALLY get each other.
> 
> For me, it was a fundamental relationship revelation to just comprehend that when someone is not even close to my personality type, we're going to struggle to "get" each other--thus, it's not so much that they're a bad person but just a difficult match FOR ME. If I were dating and met a nice ESTJ or maybe even an ISTJ, I'd go into it knowing it would likely be harder that a match with an ENFP (for example) <3


I last took this test around 5-6 years ago... I am now:

*Personality type*: Advocate (INFJ-A)
*Traits*: Introverted – 59%, Intuitive – 62%, Feeling – 70%, Judging – 61%, Assertive – 82%
*Role*: Diplomat
*Strategy*: Confident Individualism

I have changed over the last half-decade, never stepping into the same stream twice...


----------



## TXTrini

Hiner112 said:


> I think my GF would agree with you.
> 
> Something she said early on:


I'm so glad you're happy, Hiney Baby!


----------



## Lila

Not said:


> Lila, just a thought but I think it would help the situation tremendously to really stress how much you’re into him. Not to soothe his hurt feelings but so he can see you’re genuinely _that_ interested.


I don't know @Not. Yes, I'm interested but today's woohoo could be tomorrow's boohoo. 
I mean I like the guy, he's super cool and interesting, but I am still feeling him out (no pun intended). 




heartsbeating said:


> OR... send him a rose and a note attached:
> 
> _Roses are red
> and also thorny
> I'm not down with sexting
> but thinking of you
> makes me horny _
> 
> Although that does keep it about the sex though


I am copying this to my phone. 🤣. I will keep track of the times I have to use it. It might be an eye opening number lol. 



heartsbeating said:


> If you do reach out to him... be aware that by not sexting him, that he may not want to continue. I think both stances are okay. It just means you're not into the same approach. Still, worth communicating nonetheless in my book.


Agreed. I have had some time to think about it. It wouldn't feel rejected if he told me we're not compatible at this point. I don't think I could maintain a relationship with someone that needs R rated sexting. 

I can be flirtatious via text and keep the simmer going, to a degree. It's probably because I hate texting with a passion and prefer talking on the phone or real life interactions. 



3Xnocharm said:


> Yes! I support this!
> 
> I’m glad to see everyone had the same thought I did when you shared the pic info. I think either *his ego got bruised that your panties didn’t fall off at the amazing sight of his glorious member.*. or he took your ignoring it as a sign you’re not into him, and rather than having an uncomfortable conversation that he assumed was a waste of time, he decided it was easier to just quietly bow out.
> 
> I’m anxious to see if he responds! Good luck!
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I'm ROTFL on the bolded. 

I'm keep you posted to what happens.


----------



## Blondilocks

heartsbeating said:


> _Roses are red
> and also thorny
> thinking of you
> makes me horny_


That sure beats what he wrote. I'm guessing he's not very imaginative or expressive. Judging by the bouquet, he's not very flush with cash either. Or, maybe that very ho-hum selection reflects his sentiments.

Guys, take note, if you want to impress a lady with flowers you have to throw in some exotics - like Tiger Lilies or the like.


----------



## Blondilocks

Lila said:


> I don't know @Not. Yes, I'm interested but today's woohoo could be tomorrow's boohoo.
> I mean I like the guy, he's super cool and interesting, but I am still feeling him out (no pun intended).
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I am copying this to my phone. 🤣. I will keep track of the times I have to use it. It might be an eye opening number lol.
> 
> 
> 
> Agreed. I have had some time to think about it. It wouldn't feel rejected if he told me we're not compatible at this point. I don't think I could maintain a relationship with someone that needs R rated sexting.
> 
> I can be flirtatious via text and keep the simmer going, to a degree. It's probably because I hate texting with a passion and prefer talking on the phone or real life interactions.
> 
> 
> 
> I'm ROTFL on the bolded.
> 
> I'm keep you posted to what happens.


Just send him a recording of The Pointer Sisters "Slow Hand". He needs to hear it anyway. Hopefully, it won't be a steep learning curve for him.


----------



## Lila

TXTrini said:


> I have to agree with @heartsbeating .
> 
> Do you think keeping FWB in your life even though you know you don't see a future with him is pushing you further from what you say you want?
> 
> It took me a bit to figure out I wanted exactly what you said, but you know what? It hasn't been a straight shot at getting there, I was really scared and nearly ****ed it up because I nearly listened to people right on this thread and dumped him.
> 
> You always keep going back to Pogo , suppose there's really something there?


There's a difference between what I want and what is realistically available to me. The logical part of my brain says the options I have are the best I'm going to find and there's no point in continuing the search. I should settle for Pogo (and accept the life he promises). The hopeful part of my brain says keep looking. Mr. Right is out there somewhere. So basically, do I take the risk of being alone the rest of my life seeking something that doesn't exist or do I settle for Pogo? I've selfishly decided to ride the line.





> It's not a crime to be horny 😆
> 
> So, I gotta ask.... does noone get a teensy bit naughty with the dude's they're eyeballing for boyfriendhood? I get being a lady and all, but when are you a woman with her own needs and desires? I'm not saying give away the cookies, but aren't you the least bit tempted?


It's not a crime to be horny. Lol. Believe it or not, I am extremely sexual IRL. The problem is finding someone who is sexually compatible to me. 

I have gotten naughty, and am down with getting naughtier (given the right circumstances) with Tall and Tattooed. I'm not down with sexting but I respect if that is something he needs.




> I think you're spot on.
> 
> Yup. Think about how many men come on here swearing they don't want another dead or boring bedroom (we ladies do too). It makes sense to see if there's any playfulness there before too invested.


Everyone has their "tests" or barometers to identify duds but I'm not sure if willing to sext is a good one. I am flirtatious and playful in real life. Most would say I'm sensual. Virtually, not so much. 

I do think if someone needs sexting in their relationship, then they should say so. But at the same time, I think using it as a barometer for sexual compatibility in the bedroom is inaccurate. Correlation and Causation.[/Quote]


----------



## Numb26

Lila said:


> There's a difference between what I want and what is realistically available to me. The logical part of my brain says the options I have are the best I'm going to find and there's no point in continuing the search. I should settle for Pogo (and accept the life he promises). The hopeful part of my brain says keep looking. Mr. Right is out there somewhere. So basically, do I take the risk of being alone the rest of my life seeking something that doesn't exist or do I settle for Pogo? I've selfishly decided to ride the line.


It is none of my business really but if you ask me....NEVER settle.


----------



## Lila

Numb26 said:


> It is none of my business really but if you ask me....NEVER settle.


Numb, even if it meant you'd be alone and having to play in the awful dating game for the rest of your life?


----------



## Numb26

Lila said:


> Numb, even if it meant you'd be alone and having to play in the awful dating game for the rest of your life?


I don't know. Do I want that or to take the chance of being unfulfilled, unstimulated and possibly resentful that the one I am with isn't all that I need? It a Catch-22.

For me, even casual dating has been a hassle. Yes, I meet a lot of women but the percentage of them that I want to see a second time is low because I am so cautious. I know that is my issue and I am trying to work through it.


----------



## heartsbeating

@Lila ...and for what it's worth, I think mystery, creativity, and seduction are underrated.


----------



## minimalME

Lila said:


> Numb, even if it meant you'd be alone and having to play in the awful dating game for the rest of your life?


I understand that most aren't like me, but after having a significant amount of time on my own now, I can't imagine being married again. And I don't do casual in any form, so that's that. 😊


----------



## Numb26

minimalME said:


> I understand that most aren't like me, but after having a significant amount of time on my own now, I can't imagine being married again. And I don't do casual in any form, so that's that. 😊


I don't picture myself ever getting married again but I do have needs. 🤣🤫🤔


----------



## minimalME

Numb26 said:


> I don't picture myself ever getting married again but I do have needs. 🤣🤫🤔


Yeah - see that's the thing. Being blunt - I can give myself a hellacious orgasm. And I've not known one man who ever wanted to bother. Didn't even pretend to care. So, do I miss having to deal with any of that? No. 😌


----------



## Numb26

minimalME said:


> Yeah - see that's the thing. Being blunt - I can give myself a hellacious orgasm. And I've not known one man who ever wanted to bother. Didn't even pretend to care. So, do I miss having to deal with any of that? No. 😌


That really sucks. I have run into some selfish lovers, it's draining.


----------



## LisaDiane

Numb26 said:


> I don't picture myself ever getting married again but I do have needs. 🤣🤫🤔


If that's what you are presenting to the women you are dating, they probably aren't opening themselves up and showing you the best of what they would have to offer as partners.


----------



## 2&out

3 nice dates BUT sexual compatibility concerns expressed BEFORE the latest events. And guess what ? -- by him also -- so he is sending the notice out now to see if this might be workable. And he pretty much got his answer. So as someone else said.. onward and upward.

Some are saying reach out and try again ??? Really ?? That won't reek of desperation and willingness to give in on principles, personal wants/wishes will it... Never understood why some don't respect themselves enough to not do that. Please don't Lila. 

I know I'm not the norm but to me it would seem looking and hoping to find a compatible long term partner is a hell of a lot better than being in an unfulfilling relationship that one knows will never be. A life of dismal barely OK existence or a hope ? Easy choice for me.


----------



## Numb26

LisaDiane said:


> If that's what you are presenting to the women you are dating, they probably aren't opening themselves up and showing you the best of what they would have to offer as partners.


True but I don't want any misunderstanding or hurt feelings. I would rather be upfront and honest


----------



## LisaDiane

Numb26 said:


> True but I don't want any misunderstanding or hurt feelings. I would rather be upfront and honest


That's great...but then that might be why you rarely meet anyone you'd like to see again. Which is probably fine for you, if you are only interested in super-casual. But just SEE what you are putting out there, and recognize that your frustration (if you have any) might NOT be that there is "pee" in the dating pool.


----------



## Numb26

LisaDiane said:


> That's great...but then that might be why you rarely meet anyone you'd like to see again. Which is probably fine for you, if you are only interested in super-casual. But just SEE what you are putting out there, and recognize that your frustration (if you have any) might NOT be that there is "pee" in the dating pool.


I'm not frustrated because I am not ready or able to give what is needed to a healthy relationship. And to clarify, my comment about "pee in the pool" was more about the not so intelligent women I seem to attract. I thing I am sure of is that if I ever do get into a relationship I need someone that challenges me intellectually.
Ever since the D I have spent a lot of time learning who I am and what I want. It's made me more picky


----------



## Not

Lila said:


> I don't know @Not. Yes, I'm interested but today's woohoo could be tomorrow's boohoo.
> I mean I like the guy, he's super cool and interesting, but I am still feeling him out (no pun intended).


Ah, I was under the impression you were a little more smitten.


----------



## Not

About once a week I take a peek at Tanks face book page to see if he still has my picture up. He does. He doesn't usually post anything the general public can see but he's doing it now. Things that are clearly aimed at me of course. He's 50 years old, too old for this. 

Yes, I'm on there but rarely use it. We have a face book page for work that all of us in the office use to communicate with all the employees, otherwise my account would have been shut down a long time ago. I need to re-block him so I can't access his page, apparently sheer will power isn't my thing.


----------



## Lila

Numb26 said:


> I don't know. Do I want that or to take the chance of being unfulfilled, unstimulated and possibly resentful that the one I am with isn't all that I need? It a Catch-22.
> 
> For me, even casual dating has been a hassle. Yes, I meet a lot of women but the percentage of them that I want to see a second time is low because I am so cautious. I know that is my issue and I am trying to work through it.


Catch-22! That's exactly what it is. 

We either settle and take the chance that things may go sideways or we don't settle and take the chance that we will eventually find what we're looking for. 🤷‍♀️


----------



## Lila

minimalME said:


> Yeah - see that's the thing. Being blunt - I can give myself a hellacious orgasm. And I've not known one man who ever wanted to bother. Didn't even pretend to care. So, do I miss having to deal with any of that? No. 😌


And see, I have the opposite problem. I get the ones that will overwhelm me with their need to see me orgasm. It's a lot of pressure which cranks up my anxiety, which makes it almost impossible to orgasm. Then they are let down when I don't orgasm. This is why an intimate connection and feeling safe is so important to me.


----------



## Lila

2&out said:


> 3 nice dates BUT sexual compatibility concerns expressed BEFORE the latest events. And guess what ? -- by him also -- so he is sending the notice out now to see if this might be workable. And he pretty much got his answer. So as someone else said.. onward and upward.
> 
> Some are saying reach out and try again ??? Really ?? That won't reek of desperation and willingness to give in on principles, personal wants/wishes will it... Never understood why some don't respect themselves enough to not do that. Please don't Lila.
> 
> I know I'm not the norm but to me it would seem looking and hoping to find a compatible long term partner is a hell of a lot better than being in an unfulfilling relationship that one knows will never be. A life of dismal barely OK existence or a hope ? Easy choice for me.


Well I did reach out and he replied as if nothing happened. I asked him if there were any issues and he adamantly refused. We met this morning (we're both off from work) and he seemed normal. Then as I'm getting ready to jump in my car he says "send me a sexy pic". 🙄. Yeah, i am tossing this one back in the pond.

I am again taking time off from dating. The game is getting harder and harder to play but then i get lonely and want that connection so I jump back in, only to get chewed up and spit out, then the cycle starts all over again. It's depressing.


----------



## minimalME

Lila said:


> Well I did reach out and he replied as if nothing happened. I asked him if there were any issues and he adamantly refused. We met this morning (we're both off from work) and he seemed normal. Then as I'm getting ready to jump in my car he says "send me a sexy pic". 🙄. Yeah, i am tossing this one back in the pond.


I'm sorry. 😔


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Lila said:


> Numb, even if it meant you'd be alone and having to play in the awful dating game for the rest of your life?


You can be on your own and not “play the dating game” (I take this to mean you actively seek out people to potentially date) You can just live life on your own terms until the universe drops someone into your life. I personally have in no way been seeking anyone to date or hook up with, and my life has been pretty damn zen. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## heartsbeating

Lila said:


> Then as I'm getting ready to jump in my car he says "send me a sexy pic". 🙄. Yeah, i am tossing this one back in the pond.


I mean... there must be women he's encountering that are more than happy to. Anyway, you came full circle to recognize that you're the one pumping the brakes with this scenario. And hoorah for making the call; better to cut off now. 

Also thinking on it more... it sounds such a lame, boring, and I'd imagine predictable request.


----------



## notmyjamie

Lila said:


> Yep. He's a coward.
> 
> 
> I have no doubt he had a good time. Our first date was 4.5 hours, second was mid week short notice dinner invite from him (we closed the restaurant), and our 3rd date was 6 hours. We definitely had fun but he found better. It happens.


He didn’t find “better” he found someone he thinks he’s more compatible with so he’s going with that. Who among us wouldn’t? That doesn’t mean she’s a better person than you.

BF told me he’d had a couple dates with another woman when he met me. He called her and told her he’d met someone more compatible and she was grateful for his honesty. Only then did he really start to pursue me. I definitely noticed the uptick in his communication at the time. That’s when I knew he was a decent guy.

In my mind the problem is when people just ghost when they meet someone new. That’s a **** move and yet so many people do it!!!!


----------



## farsidejunky

heartsbeating said:


> @Lila ...and for what it's worth, I think mystery, creativity, and seduction are underrated.


This. I would much rather see a slightly revealing nightie pic than boobs or a V. 

Seeing these things in real life are far more interesting than seeing them in a 2D cell phone pic in the bathroom mirror. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


----------



## farsidejunky

minimalME said:


> Yeah - see that's the thing. Being blunt - I can give myself a hellacious orgasm. And I've not known one man who ever wanted to bother. Didn't even pretend to care. So, do I miss having to deal with any of that? No.


Just...wow.

I'll never understand how that is even possible. Very few things rival bringing out an explosive O in a partner. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


----------



## TXTrini

Lila said:


> There's a difference between what I want and what is realistically available to me. The logical part of my brain says the options I have are the best I'm going to find and there's no point in continuing the search. I should settle for Pogo (and accept the life he promises). The hopeful part of my brain says keep looking. Mr. Right is out there somewhere. So basically, do I take the risk of being alone the rest of my life seeking something that doesn't exist or do I settle for Pogo? I've selfishly decided to ride the line.


I understand your thinking, I thought the same way for a long time. I thought I was married to Mr. Right, but he was living a double life. I took so much ********, tried to do everything right, including suppress parts of myself to please him and got kicked in the ass anyway.

That whole experience changed my perception of relationships and made me throw away the whole concept of Mr. Right. What makes Mr. Right right? His being 100% of what you want? Or him being mostly what you want but willing to meet you halfway on the rest? I decided for me attitude is everything and stop worrying about that.

I don't think anyone is perfectly anyone's Ms./Mr. Right. For all you know Mr. Right has crap taste and always picks the wrong women. We certainly see enough of that on here 😂 and men citing the Hot/Crazy Matrix to excuse their lapse in judgment (and the reverse)

If Pogo's flaws are minor, he might be as good as it gets. If they're fundamental, maybe you're self-sabotaging keeping him around? Suppose prospective partners sense part of you is closed off to possibility because of his presence in your life?



Lila said:


> It's not a crime to be horny. Lol. Believe it or not, I am extremely sexual IRL. The problem is finding someone who is sexually compatible to me.
> 
> I have gotten naughty, and am down with getting naughtier (given the right circumstances) with Tall and Tattooed. I'm not down with sexting but I respect if that is something he needs.
> 
> Everyone has their "tests" or barometers to identify duds but I'm not sure if willing to sext is a good one. I am flirtatious and playful in real life. Most would say I'm sensual. Virtually, not so much.
> 
> I do think if someone needs sexting in their relationship, then they should say so. But at the same time, I think using it as a barometer for sexual compatibility in the bedroom is inaccurate. Correlation and Causation.


[/QUOTE]
Hey, that's your style, own it. I'm surprised so many men in our age range have lost their cojones to escalate in person, honestly. It seems that men use sexting as a safe space before pushing for more, or as a virtual test drive.

I can certainly understand the appeal in light of the socio-political climate. Can you imagine trying to grope a chick who suddenly rejects you and paints you as the worst sort of pig? From the sound of your latest post, TT Boy seems like he's assembling a personal cattle show to pick out a prize heifer.



Lila said:


> Well I did reach out and he replied as if nothing happened. I asked him if there were any issues and he adamantly refused. We met this morning (we're both off from work) and he seemed normal. Then as I'm getting ready to jump in my car he says "send me a sexy pic". 🙄. Yeah, i am tossing this one back in the pond.
> 
> I am again taking time off from dating. The game is getting harder and harder to play but then i get lonely and want that connection so I jump back in, only to get chewed up and spit out, then the cycle starts all over again. It's depressing.


Girl, you're good. This is when I'd have sent Moto Moto "chunkin" gif 😂 or a dancing cat. Yes, I like to amuse myself. 

I'm sorry it's a no go, but, at least you discovered you weren't compatible early on before you got too invested.


----------



## minimalME

farsidejunky said:


> Just...wow.
> 
> I'll never understand how that is even possible. Very few things rival bringing out an explosive O in a partner.
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


I'm broken. My picker is broken. I've made my peace with it. 😬 😅


----------



## Lila

3Xnocharm said:


> You can be on your own and not “play the dating game” (I take this to mean you actively seek out people to potentially date) You can just live life on your own terms until the universe drops someone into your life. I personally have in no way been seeking anyone to date or hook up with, and my life has been pretty damn zen.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


But I miss the intimacy. There is not enough zen to make that go away. 

Eta:. This is why Pogo is still in the picture. 

And maybe you're right but the universe seems to have a grudge against me.


----------



## Lila

notmyjamie said:


> He didn’t find “better” he found someone he thinks he’s more compatible with so he’s going with that. Who among us wouldn’t? That doesn’t mean she’s a better person than you.
> 
> BF told me he’d had a couple dates with another woman when he met me. He called her and told her he’d met someone more compatible and she was grateful for his honesty. Only then did he really start to pursue me. I definitely noticed the uptick in his communication at the time. That’s when I knew he was a decent guy.
> 
> In my mind the problem is when people just ghost when they meet someone new. That’s a **** move and yet so many people do it!!!!


I mentioned better as in he thinks they are a better match to him. I just want to be the one that gets picked, for once .


----------



## minimalME

Lila said:


> And maybe you're right but the universe seems to have a grudge against me.


I don't think it's you.

Our society doesn't value intimacy at the moment, and, to me, going from one person to another is habit forming. And it promotes discontent. No one seems satisfied. 

We're so busy picking each other apart and analyzing one another than we're foregoing actually _having_ relationships.


----------



## TXTrini

Lila said:


> I mentioned better as in he thinks they are a better match to him. I just want to be the one that gets picked, for once .


Do you think Pogo might feel similarly?


----------



## LisaDiane

Lila said:


> I mentioned better as in he thinks they are a better match to him. I just want to be the one that gets picked, for once .


But if he isn't going to be happy with Real YOU, isn't it best to let him go?


----------



## Not

I've been thinking on this some more too. I think I'd be a little disappointed if a guy _didn't_ ask for a picture. Maybe. Disappointed isn't quite the right word. What I mean by that is I need to be with a very sexual man and I need to signs of that sexuality early on. The stronger the signs the better, for me. As long as it's done the right way. No outright crudeness.

After a few dates and at least a little trust has been built I'll send a shot of some side boob or something. Or some cleavage in my robe with some leg showing. Tasteful teasers, nothing outrageous. I've only done this with Tank and new guy.

Current guy has received a good shot of the booty in my jeans because he was teasing me that I hid the booty on our first date. And a bikini pic lol! I enjoyed his reaction. Sending the pics was playful and innocent yet shows promise that I'm definitely not sexually closed off. I do want the men I'm getting to know to know the real me. Not all of the men I talk too though. 

I don't know but it seems like the picture thing is sort of a litmus test in today's dating world.


----------



## heartsbeating

Lila said:


> I just want to be the one that gets picked, for once .


Perhaps there's just other (unexpected) ways whereby you meet someone and there's mutual interest. Maybe it's at a friend's party where you don't know everyone. Or while you're involved with an interest that you have. Or someone knows someone. Without actively seeking. Yes, whadda I know!


----------



## Lila

TXTrini said:


> Do you think Pogo might feel similarly?


No, but I feel like even with Pogo, I'm not being picked. He's making selfish choices expecting me to change so as to fit into his life. I feel that if he was picking me that he wouldn't expect me to change.


----------



## Lila

LisaDiane said:


> But if he isn't going to be happy with Real YOU, isn't it best to let him go?


Yes, you're absolutely right. I want someone who likes the genuine me.


----------



## LisaDiane

Lila said:


> Yes, you're absolutely right. I want someone who likes the genuine me.


Me too!!!!


----------



## Lila

Not said:


> I don't know but it seems like the picture thing is sort of a litmus test in today's dating world


This is very true. I just don't understand it because I am an outwardly sensual person. One thing that Pogo, Closet Alcoholic, and Big Country said to me while dating is that I make them feel wanted/desired. If I find a man sexually attractive, they'll know it. I am open to meeting in person and have flexibility with my schedule. Why not just litmus test me in person?


----------



## Not

Lila said:


> This is very true. I just don't understand it because I am an outwardly sensual person. One thing that Pogo, Closet Alcoholic, and Big Country said to me while dating is that I make them feel wanted/desired. If I find a man sexually attractive, they'll know it. I am open to meeting in person and have flexibility with my schedule. Why not just litmus test me in person?


Perhaps it's your outward sensuality that has some men assuming you'd be ok with pics? Wouldn't surprise me one bit.


----------



## TXTrini

Lila said:


> No, but I feel like even with Pogo, I'm not being picked. He's making selfish choices expecting me to change so as to fit into his life. I feel that if he was picking me that he wouldn't expect me to change.





Lila said:


> Yes, you're absolutely right. I want someone who likes the genuine me.


Sounds like you need to let him go, then. If you know you can never be you with him, you're in your own way.

I wanted that too, but here's the thing. You will have to adjust what you think you want in a man to get this, it's a two-way street. 

I don't 100% love everything about my bf, but I can be myself around him, the man is not phased at all. But, and big but, I've had to concede on things I discovered were less important to me. E.g. He's an atheist, I'm Christian. I don't love it, but he's not the asshole kind of atheist who is argumentative about everything. My extended family will probably be horrified to discover that little gem 😂 

It's entirely up to you to decide what you can live with/without.


----------



## Lila

Not said:


> Perhaps it's your outward sensuality that has some men assuming you'd be ok with pics? Wouldn't surprise me one bit.


I have been told this throughout my adult life. I am not sure how to control that either. Should I hold back and be cooler when I meet people I like?


----------



## minimalME

Not said:


> Perhaps it's your outward sensuality that has some men assuming you'd be ok with pics? Wouldn't surprise me one bit.


I agree.

When I was first dating and on *******, there were all these questions that you could answer that would match you up with people - kind of like a personality test.

And I was totally honest and answered all the sex questions. Silly me. 😂

Guys would send messages, and it was as if I was running a porn site.

I had to learn to not be so sexually open - that there was a cost, and it wasn't beneficial or helpful in terms of finding a compatible person.


----------



## Lila

TXTrini said:


> Sounds like you need to let him go, then. If you know you can never be you with him, you're in your own way.
> 
> I wanted that too, but here's the thing. You will have to adjust what you think you want in a man to get this, it's a two-way street.
> 
> I don't 100% love everything about my bf, but I can be myself around him, the man is not phased at all. But, and big but, I've had to concede on things I discovered were less important to me. E.g. He's an atheist, I'm Christian. I don't love it, but he's not the asshole kind of atheist who is argumentative about everything. My extended family will probably be horrified to discover that little gem 😂
> 
> It's entirely up to you to decide what you can live with/without.


Girl, my expectations are so low now that basic standards would be considered high expectations. Seriously. I only have a few deal breakers.


----------



## TXTrini

minimalME said:


> I agree.
> 
> When I was first dating and on *****, there were all these questions that you could answer that would match you up with people - kind of like a personality test.
> 
> And I was totally honest and answered all sex questions. Silly me. 😂
> 
> Guys would send messages, and it was as if I was running a porn site.
> 
> I had to learn to not be so sexually open - that there was a cost, and it wasn't beneficial or helpful in terms of finding a compatible person.


I did the same thing 😂😂😂

No wonder I got so many weird offers 🤦


----------



## Not

Lila said:


> I have been told this throughout my adult life. I am not sure how to control that either. Should I hold back and be cooler when I meet people I like?


I would say definitely not. Always be you. It may be that you just need to casually mention that while yes you are a sensual person you do have boundaries and pics and videos are something you're not into. Make it a part of your getting to know someone routine. 

I do something similar. I let them know right off the bat that I will do tasteful pics but not until after I'm fully comfortable with it, however long that takes. New guy was told right away, after he began mentioning pics. He thought it was a good thing I'm like that, he likes that I have standards but he also mentioned that it's ok with him for a minute. That was him stating his boundaries. It sort of like a dance that happens around the topic of sex and the litmus test is the pics.


----------



## TXTrini

Numb26 said:


> I'm not frustrated because I am not ready or able to give what is needed to a healthy relationship. And to clarify, my comment about "pee in the pool" was more about the not so intelligent women I seem to attract. I thing I am sure of is that if I ever do get into a relationship I need someone that challenges me intellectually.
> Ever since the D I have spent a lot of time learning who I am and what I want. It's made me more picky


Maybe you're getting what you're getting because you're limited in what you can offer right now. Smart women who want a relationship aren't going to take a chance on you in case you change your mind later, man.


----------



## Numb26

TXTrini said:


> Maybe you're getting what you're getting because you're limited in what you can offer right now. Smart women who want a relationship aren't going to take a chance on you in case you change your mind later, man.


Maybe. I could be throwing off a certain vibe


----------



## RandomDude

When do you really settle?

Ex and I both settled for each other, the boxes I didn't tick for ex she resented me for and tried to change me, the boxes she didn't tick I just accepted them because I decided to just love her until the end. Both caused issues in our relationship 2 years in because she kept starting sh-t and I kept sweeping it under the rug. Yet nobody is perfect, not even category 5 soulmates that sparked such chemistry. Relationships about compromises right? Compromises lead to resentment... so?

Hell I have even more baggage and dealbreakers than before, and to add sexual attraction to the mix... Not only am I now looking for another unicorn, I'm looking for the perfect unicorn, all the virtues of all my exs, none of their vices. And it sickens me how one flaw could crack open the foundations so late... why do I feel so fked and disheartened?

I'm not even looking at the sexual attraction side anymore... I need more mental/emotional stimulation and have been happy to drop a few standards. But now I realise that is wrong... was I truly forfilled sexually in the last relationship? No. I just went meh and settled until we both got tired of each other's BS.


----------



## minimalME

RandomDude said:


> When do you really settle?


Every single person is flawed, so every single person settles for a flawed 'other'.

There's no escape from this truth.



> Hell I have even more baggage and dealbreakers than before, and to add sexual attraction to the mix... Not only am I now looking for another unicorn, I'm looking for the perfect unicorn, all the virtues of all my exs, none of their vices. And it sickens me how one flaw could crack open the foundations so late... *why do I feel so fked and disheartened?*


It might be because your expectations are unrealistic?

You say you're looking for a perfect unicorn that embodies all the virtues in your mind? This person doesn't exist, so it seems like you're setting yourself up for perpetual frustration.


----------



## Not

I just want to be proud of the person I end up with. Proud that he’s a decent person doing his best. I was not proud of Tank but god he had some good qualities that I’ll be looking for in other men.


----------



## m.t.t

has even else been with someone and started to have a gut feeling that she relationship is going to end? 

I have just recently posted about buying a house with this person.


----------



## jlg07

Lila said:


> I have been told this throughout my adult life. I am not sure how to control that either. Should I hold back and be cooler when I meet people I like?


Lila, I think you should just be yourself. Guys WILL (and obviously DO) dig that. For the sexting stuff, just be clear -- you don't do that. Any sexy stuff will be done in person, not via phone, or email.
If a guy can't get that in his head, then too bad for him -- he will be missing out.

I happen to agree with you -- if you know the tech behind all this, that stuff NEVER disappears and you honestly do NOT know who is accessing your stuff (legal or not). I would never do that either. If I want to see my wife's naked parts, I wait until I'm with her and then ask!


----------



## farsidejunky

Lila said:


> No, but I feel like even with Pogo, I'm not being picked. He's making selfish choices expecting me to change so as to fit into his life. I feel that if he was picking me that he wouldn't expect me to change.


Maybe I'm picking nits with you over this, put in this post, is change synonymous with compromise?

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


----------



## Hiner112

Lila said:


> And see, I have the opposite problem. I get the ones that will overwhelm me with their need to see me orgasm. It's a lot of pressure which cranks up my anxiety, which makes it almost impossible to orgasm. Then they are let down when I don't orgasm. This is why an intimate connection and feeling safe is so important to me.


My GF has had an experience a lot like @minimalME while I'm a bit closer to what @Lila is talking about. There have been a few times where she's done what was necessary to get "over the top" or whatever. (See learning process before) I don't think I've necessarily made her feel tense or self conscious about not having an orgasm but she has said that she's disappointed more for my sake not having that reassurance that I'm making her feel good.


----------



## heartsbeating

minimalME said:


> Every single person is flawed, so every single person settles for a flawed 'other'.


Married people are flawed too.

Couldn't resist the play on words


----------



## Lila

farsidejunky said:


> Maybe I'm picking nits with you over this, put in this post, is change synonymous with compromise?
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


No. Compromise is what I've done for him.

Ours is definitely not headed for a happily ever after but I can enjoy the moment him. That might be the best I can get at this point in my life.


----------



## LisaDiane

Not said:


> I just want to be proud of the person I end up with. Proud that he’s a decent person doing his best. I was not proud of Tank but god he had some good qualities that I’ll be looking for in other men.


Do you mean "proud" as in, respect?


----------



## LisaDiane

Lila said:


> No. Compromise is what I've done for him.
> 
> Ours is definitely not headed for a happily ever after but I can enjoy the moment him. *That might be the best I can get at this point in my life.*


Hmm...or might that distract you from finding what you really want...?


----------



## Lila

Hiner112 said:


> My GF has had an experience a lot like @minimalME while I'm a bit closer to what @Lila is talking about. There have been a few times where she's done what was necessary to get "over the top" or whatever. (See learning process before) I don't think I've necessarily made her feel tense or self conscious about not having an orgasm but she has said that she's disappointed more for my sake not having that reassurance that I'm making her feel good.


It's the equivalent of performance anxiety for men. You get in your head and it ruins the good time feelings.


----------



## heartsbeating

LisaDiane said:


> Hmm...or might that distract you from finding what you really want...?


That's what I've been sayin!


----------



## 3Xnocharm

m.t.t said:


> has even else been with someone and started to have a gut feeling that she relationship is going to end?
> 
> I have just recently posted about buying a house with this person.


Whoa, way too soon for that, girl! Put the brakes on, even if the relationship doesn’t end! 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Emerging Buddhist

Lila said:


> No. Compromise is what I've done for him.
> 
> Ours is definitely not headed for a happily ever after but I can enjoy the moment him.
> 
> *That might be the best I can get at this point in my life.*


Letterkenny Wayne and I both agree on the bolded above...


----------



## Lila

LisaDiane said:


> Hmm...or might that distract you from finding what you really want...?


I think it has done the opposite to be honest. Having him in my life has helped me to avoid making big mistakes. 

Pogo may have his issues but he's a good, kind, generous, loving man. He is really the reason I have ANY hope left. If I hadn't met him, i would be a bitter, angry woman right now with little faith in men based on most of my other experiences. And for that alone I will be forever thankful to him.


----------



## LisaDiane

Lila said:


> I think it has done the opposite to be honest. Having him in my life has helped me to avoid making big mistakes.
> 
> Pogo may have his issues but he's a good, kind, generous, loving man. He is really the reason I have ANY hope left. If I hadn't met him, i would be a bitter, angry woman right now with little faith in men based on most of my other experiences. And for that alone I will be forever thankful to him.


Ok, well...I don't know about anyone else, but I am thoroughly CONFUSED about him now!


----------



## TXTrini

farsidejunky said:


> Maybe I'm picking nits with you over this, put in this post, is change synonymous with compromise?
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


Maybe everyone is getting their wires crossed. My definition of compromise is there are no winners/losers, both give something to get something or meet in the middle. Not that, someone gives up something entirely to please the other, that's giving up.




Lila said:


> It's the equivalent of performance anxiety for men. You get in your head and it ruins the good time feelings.


I have the same issue. I think it wasn't until I fully trusted that I was able to relax enough to let go (18 months, yes I have trust issues).



Lila said:


> I think it has done the opposite to be honest. Having him in my life has helped me to avoid making big mistakes.
> 
> Pogo may have his issues but he's a good, kind, generous, loving man. He is really the reason I have ANY hope left. If I hadn't met him, i would be a bitter, angry woman right now with little faith in men based on most of my other experiences. And for that alone I will be forever thankful to him.


He sounds really good. If he's not the one for you though, don't you think it's only fair to let him go to another woman who can appreciate him as is?


----------



## heartsbeating

Blondilocks said:


> That sure beats what he wrote. I'm guessing he's not very imaginative or expressive. Judging by the bouquet, he's not very flush with cash either. Or, maybe that very ho-hum selection reflects his sentiments.
> 
> Guys, take note, if you want to impress a lady with flowers you have to throw in some exotics - like Tiger Lilies or the like.


I am going to disagree with you here 😲

I'm big into flowers. While I also like Lilies (particularly Oriental Lilies...although they can cause migraines in some) oh and Peonies are divine, I think it's a nice bunch. Appropriate even. Carnations are underrated. What I would interpret from those flowers (gosh, I hope you don't mind @Elizabeth001) is that of simple acknowledgement. If it was a more 'grand' bouquet it would be over the top. If they were roses (red), they'd indicate serious romantic interest. It sounds like she was buzzed and a moment happened. He may well get that she's not into him beyond that. And recognize that as they live next door/close to one another, that they're going to see each other I'm guessing fairly frequently in daily life. He didn't need to provide any gesture. Therefore, my interpretation is that he's acknowledging her and a display that it's all good. Not writing anything on the card would also demonstrate (to me, at least) that he's not leading with other expectations. There you have it. My analysis. The flowers receive my approval.


----------



## Lila

LisaDiane said:


> Ok, well...I don't know about anyone else, but I am thoroughly CONFUSED about him now!


Lol. He can be a good man and still be imperfect. Our issues are unsolvable core incompatiblies. 


TXTrini said:


> He sounds really good. If he's not the one for you though, don't you think it's only fair to let him go to another woman who can appreciate him as is?


That's just it. I'm not keeping him trapped. We break up, date other people, and then somehow or another spring back to each other. We're two sides of the same coin. 

I seriously think he's bugged my house because he knows when I need help. It's weird.


----------



## LisaDiane

heartsbeating said:


> I am going to disagree with you here 😲
> 
> I'm big into flowers. While I also like Lilies (particularly Oriental Lilies...although they can cause migraines in some) oh and Peonies are divine, I think it's a nice bunch. Appropriate even. Carnations are underrated. What I would interpret from those flowers (gosh, I hope you don't mind @Elizabeth001) is that of simple acknowledgement. If it was a more 'grand' bouquet it would be over the top. If they were roses (red), they'd indicate serious romantic interest. It sounds like she was buzzed and a moment happened. He may well get that she's not into him beyond that. And recognize that as they live next door/close to one another, that they're going to see each other I'm guessing fairly frequently in daily life. He didn't need to provide any gesture. Therefore, my interpretation is that he's acknowledging her and a display that it's all good. Not writing anything on the card would also demonstrate (to me, at least) that he's not leading with other expectations. There you have it. My analysis. The flowers receive my approval.


I actually would feel more touched about the INTENT of the flowers, instead of receiving the perfect types of flowers. I think it's SO sweet that he sent that to her!!! How can she not want to have sex with him again?? Lol! 

Of course, I was delighted when my STBX grabbed a bunch of wildflowers on his way home from work early in our relationship -- think of that! He stopped on the shoulder of the highway just to grab a bunch of beautiful flowers FOR ME...!!!!!!! I thought that was wonderful and romantic, and better than having tons of roses delivered!!!!


----------



## TXTrini

Lila said:


> Lol. He can be a good man and still be imperfect. Our issues are unsolvable core incompatiblies.
> 
> That's just it. I'm not keeping him trapped. We break up, date other people, and then somehow or another spring back to each other. We're two sides of the same coin.
> 
> I seriously think he's bugged my house because he knows when I need help. It's weird.


You realize your descriptions of your interactions with Pogo either sound really complimentary or dysfunctional right? I can't make up my mind! 

When I say let him go, I meant no reconnecting... block and move on.


----------



## heartsbeating

LisaDiane said:


> I actually would feel more touched about the INTENT of the flowers, instead of receiving the perfect types of flowers. I think it's SO sweet that he sent that to her!!! How can she not want to have sex with him again?? Lol!
> 
> Of course, I was delighted when my STBX grabbed a bunch of wildflowers on his way home from work early in our relationship -- think of that! He stopped on the shoulder of the highway just to grab a bunch of beautiful flowers FOR ME...!!!!!!! I thought that was wonderful and romantic, and better than having tons of roses delivered!!!!


That is sweet.

And now I feel like a super crappy wife  as recently we were walking the dogs and Batman scooped up a few wildflowers and handed to me all cute-like. My response was laughing (not meanly) and with 'eww... dogs have probably peed on those..' It really is highly likely, based on where we walk and lots of other dogs go there. And so I didn't take them.

Oh man, that's bad isn't it. I better check myself before I wreck myself.


----------



## heartsbeating

...although he did buy me a posy a couple days later.


----------



## LisaDiane

heartsbeating said:


> That is sweet.
> 
> And now I feel like a super crappy wife  as recently we were walking the dogs and Batman scooped up a few wildflowers and handed to me all cute-like. My response was laughing (not meanly) and with 'eww... dogs have probably peed on those..' It really is highly likely, based on where we walk and lots of other dogs go there. And so I didn't take them.
> 
> Oh man, that's bad isn't it. I better check myself before I wreck myself.


Well....I have to say the dog-pee thing would have given me pause as well...Lol!!!

That's the beauty of the highway flowers - NO ONE can get there to soil them!


----------



## heartsbeating

LisaDiane said:


> Well....I have to say the dog-pee thing would have given me pause as well...Lol!!!
> 
> That's the beauty of the highway flowers - NO ONE can get there to soil them!




And when he brought home the posy, he said he wanted to get me some flowers... minus any dog pee.


----------



## LisaDiane

heartsbeating said:


> And when he brought home the posy, he said he wanted to get me some flowers... minus any dog pee.


Again...the intent is what's so sweet!!!! He was thinking of your deal-breakers!!!


----------



## heartsbeating

LisaDiane said:


> Again...the intent is what's so sweet!!!! He was thinking of your deal-breakers!!!


----------



## Lila

TXTrini said:


> You realize your descriptions of your interactions with Pogo either sound really complimentary or dysfunctional right? I can't make up my mind!
> 
> When I say let him go, I meant no reconnecting... block and move on.


It's probably dysfunctional because I don't want to block him. 

The dating landscape is a horrible wasteland. It's the equivalent of Squid Games. I do not want to go back there. Knowing that there is someone that isn't involved n the wasteland and is willing to give me what I want, even if temporarily, is too much for me to pass up. 

It would be so much easier if Pogo would just move on. It would make accepting my situation so much easier. 

I have had people tell me that you attract what you put out into the universe but what if that's all baloney? What if it's all luck and circumstance?


----------



## As'laDain

I don't know why anyone uses OLD. It has always been a **** show. 

I have three stable partners and two that come and go. I met them all through real life shared interest groups. 

Well, except my wife. I met her on yahoo personals.


----------



## As'laDain

Picking up a hobby is the quickest way to find a partner.


----------



## Not

LisaDiane said:


> Do you mean "proud" as in, respect?


I mean proud as in feeling privileged to know the person and have them in my life. I respect certain aspects of Tanks personality but definitely not other aspects hence my saying I was not proud to be with him.


----------



## TXTrini

Lila said:


> It's probably dysfunctional because I don't want to block him.
> 
> The dating landscape is a horrible wasteland. It's the equivalent of Squid Games. I do not want to go back there. Knowing that there is someone that isn't involved n the wasteland and is willing to give me what I want, even if temporarily, is too much for me to pass up.
> 
> It would be so much easier if Pogo would just move on. It would make accepting my situation so much easier.
> 
> I have had people tell me that you attract what you put out into the universe but what if that's all baloney? What if it's all luck and circumstance?


I know. My short stint made me not want to go back if my bf and I don't work out 😅 There are some truly disgusting men sprinkled amongst the decent ones.

Are you willing to move or date men who live outside of the city? If I remember right, you were in a metro area. I found the country boys were way more gentlemanly than the city men. 

Just today, I saw some pretty hot dudes in the pharmacy! Mind you, I like beefy, slightly scruffy men, so ymmv.


----------



## Lila

TXTrini said:


> I know. My short stint made me not want to go back if my bf and I don't work out 😅 There are some truly disgusting men sprinkled amongst the decent ones.
> 
> Are you willing to move or date men who live outside of the city? If I remember right, you were in a metro area. I found the country boys were way more gentlemanly than the city men.
> 
> Just today, I saw some pretty hot dudes in the pharmacy! Mind you, I like beefy, slightly scruffy men, so ymmv.


I can't move until my son finishes high school which will be in 2024, but as soon as he's done I'm either selling or leasing my house and booking it out of here. I can work from anywhere in the world but am looking to move to either Colorado, South Carolina, or Florida. I need a change of scenery and all of those places offer that. 

No telling what the future holds. Wish me luck.


----------



## Numb26

TXTrini said:


> I know. My short stint made me not want to go back if my bf and I don't work out 😅 There are some truly disgusting men sprinkled amongst the decent ones.
> 
> Are you willing to move or date men who live outside of the city? If I remember right, you were in a metro area. I found the country boys were way more gentlemanly than the city men.
> 
> Just today, I saw some pretty hot dudes in the pharmacy! Mind you, I like beefy, slightly scruffy men, so ymmv.


"hides behind sofa"


----------



## TXTrini

Lila said:


> I can't move until my son finishes high school which will be in 2024, but as soon as he's done I'm either selling or leasing my house and booking it out of here. I can work from anywhere in the world but am looking to move to either Colorado, South Carolina, or Florida. I need a change of scenery and all of those places offer that.
> 
> No telling what the future holds. Wish me luck.


Cool! That might probably open up a whole wonderful world of beefcake 😆


----------



## RandomDude

minimalME said:


> Every single person is flawed, so every single person settles for a flawed 'other'.
> 
> There's no escape from this truth.


Yet we always say not to settle. So much for that I guess.



> It might be because your expectations are unrealistic?
> 
> You say you're looking for a perfect unicorn that embodies all the virtues in your mind? This person doesn't exist, so it seems like you're setting yourself up for perpetual frustration.


Nah, I won't, just saying.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Lila said:


> Lol. He can be a good man and still be imperfect. Our issues are unsolvable core incompatiblies.


So what is it that he wants you to change about yourself? 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Elizabeth001

heartsbeating said:


> I am going to disagree with you here
> 
> I'm big into flowers. While I also like Lilies (particularly Oriental Lilies...although they can cause migraines in some) oh and Peonies are divine, I think it's a nice bunch. Appropriate even. Carnations are underrated. What I would interpret from those flowers (gosh, I hope you don't mind @Elizabeth001) is that of simple acknowledgement. If it was a more 'grand' bouquet it would be over the top. If they were roses (red), they'd indicate serious romantic interest. It sounds like she was buzzed and a moment happened. He may well get that she's not into him beyond that. And recognize that as they live next door/close to one another, that they're going to see each other I'm guessing fairly frequently in daily life. He didn't need to provide any gesture. Therefore, my interpretation is that he's acknowledging her and a display that it's all good. Not writing anything on the card would also demonstrate (to me, at least) that he's not leading with other expectations. There you have it. My analysis. The flowers receive my approval.


Well done! I felt the same. He explained most of the flowers to me. He is very artsy, if even as a layman. I just love the arrangement. Carnations last forever and so do the little lilies. Holly berries for the season. The overall color represents so much of me and what I love. One of the reasons it made me smile so much. The topper was the vase…it looks like a mason jar. I love the simplicity of that. 

And yes @Blondilocks …he is not a man of means. Our neighborhood is like that…just like me. And we are all ok with that. Actually, more than ok with that.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## heartsbeating

Elizabeth001 said:


> Well done! I felt the same. He explained most of the flowers to me. He is very artsy, if even as a layman. I just love the arrangement. Carnations last forever and so do the little lilies. Holly berries for the season. The overall color represents so much of me and what I love. One of the reasons it made me smile so much. The topper was the vase…it looks like a mason jar. I love the simplicity of that.
> 
> And yes @Blondilocks …he is not a man of means. Our neighborhood is like that…just like me. And we are all ok with that. Actually, more than ok with that.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Naww I was going to say bonus points if it came with the vase/jar... as I also like that it looks like a mason jar. I wondered if it came with or if you already owned it. I love your expression of what they mean to you; how they make you smile. That's a beautiful thing, right there.


----------



## heartsbeating

Elizabeth001 said:


> He explained most of the flowers to me.


...And then you boinked him again?

 just messing with ya.


----------



## jlg07

LisaDiane said:


> Well....I have to say the *dog*-pee thing would have given me *pause*


So LD, were you TRYING to pun here?? If so, cudos! And if not, it was still great!!!


----------



## LisaDiane

jlg07 said:


> So LD, were you TRYING to pun here?? If so, cudos! And if not, it was still great!!!


Oh wow...NOPE!!! Lol! I guess I'm clever and don't even realize it!


----------



## ccpowerslave

LisaDiane said:


> Of course, I was delighted when my STBX grabbed a bunch of wildflowers on his way home from work early in our relationship -- think of that! He stopped on the shoulder of the highway just to grab a bunch of beautiful flowers FOR ME...!!!!!!!


I do this fairly often. If I am outside and see nice flowers (not in someone’s yard) sometimes I will grab some and bring them back. My wife always seems to like them.

She also likes expensive ones and since our cat doesn’t seem interested in them she now has a ridiculous collection of vases because she never throws them out.


----------



## ccpowerslave

Lila said:


> It's probably dysfunctional because I don't want to block him.
> 
> The dating landscape is a horrible wasteland. It's the equivalent of Squid Games.


You can’t block your ganbu!


----------



## curious2

Lila said:


> It's probably dysfunctional because I don't want to block him.
> 
> The dating landscape is a horrible wasteland. It's the equivalent of Squid Games. I do not want to go back there. Knowing that there is someone that isn't involved n the wasteland and is willing to give me what I want, even if temporarily, is too much for me to pass up.
> 
> It would be so much easier if Pogo would just move on. It would make accepting my situation so much easier.
> 
> I have had people tell me that you attract what you put out into the universe but what if that's all baloney? What if it's all luck and circumstance?


Hi Lila, I’ve been reading and I want to say I don’t think you realize what you are actually putting out into the universe. If you look back at your own words and attitudes it’s all negative. As for the new guy, I see a lot of assumptions and speculations made by all but you never expressed yourself about how you feel about the pictures. Everything seemed great prior to this. Don’t you think a conversation about it can and should he had before you bail. You may still decide not to date him but at this point neither one of you are understanding each other or talking about what’s bothering you. At least have the convo - share your thoughts, feelings and listen to his before making a decision.


----------



## Lila

ccpowerslave said:


> You can’t block your ganbu!


😂 😂. Great episode.


----------



## m.t.t

Hey a lot of my favorite people are on this thread -

I have a question. I have has two ex partners contact me this week. One my girlfriend knows is a bit of an issue, he showed up uninvited to my house late one night. I was scared it's just a creepy thing to do. I dealt with it. The other sent me a text and an image of a time when we were together with a statement that I meant everything to him.I didnt respond. I previously haven't heard anything from him for 6 months or so.

Do I tell my girlfriend about these two things that happened? I don't want her to feel like there are exes that are hanging in the wings. Or there is drama around. Would you want to know or expect the person that you were dating to tell you?


----------



## Hiner112

m.t.t said:


> Hey a lot of my favorite people are on this thread -
> 
> I have a question. I have has two ex partners contact me this week. One my girlfriend knows is a bit of an issue, he showed up uninvited to my house late one night. I was scared it's just a creepy thing to do. I dealt with it. The other sent me a text and an image of a time when we were together with a statement that I meant everything to him.I didnt respond. I previously haven't heard anything from him for 6 months or so.
> 
> Do I tell my girlfriend about these two things that happened? I don't want her to feel like there are exes that are hanging in the wings. Or there is drama around. Would you want to know or expect the person that you were dating to tell you?


Its probably best to be honest. What if they are there the next time someone decides to show up or when you get a text from someone? It would be a lot easier to explain if you had already said, "oh by the way, this weird thing happened..." If it happened again and you got caught hiding it, it would appear that you had something to hide.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Hiner112 said:


> Its probably best to be honest. What if they are there the next time someone decides to show up or when you get a text from someone? It would be a lot easier to explain if you had already said, "oh by the way, this weird thing happened..." If it happened again and you got caught hiding it, it would appear that you had something to hide.


I agree. Not only for these reasons here, but also for your safety. the one ex is a super creepy stalker and it makes me afraid for your safety. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## RandomDude

Had a talk with my 'date' about meeting up last weekend, told her I enjoyed her company but I fear her expectations as there are many things I'm not ready for. She told me she felt the same way and we decided not to meet for now and just enjoy our interactions along with our space. I'm actually very happy I met someone on the same page as me and it seems to be working better this way.

She's like a mirror image of where I am emotionally in my life. Honestly I also need a break, having come out of my last relationship I didn't realise how exhausting it was. I don't want to be collared again so quick. So this little side crush is enough for now. Our interactions are decent enough I've stopped swiping.


----------



## Not

m.t.t said:


> Hey a lot of my favorite people are on this thread -
> 
> I have a question. I have has two ex partners contact me this week. One my girlfriend knows is a bit of an issue, he showed up uninvited to my house late one night. I was scared it's just a creepy thing to do. I dealt with it. The other sent me a text and an image of a time when we were together with a statement that I meant everything to him.I didnt respond. I previously haven't heard anything from him for 6 months or so.
> 
> Do I tell my girlfriend about these two things that happened? I don't want her to feel like there are exes that are hanging in the wings. Or there is drama around. Would you want to know or expect the person that you were dating to tell you?



I agree with the others on both counts. Transparency is always a good thing.


----------



## Not

Had date #2 with Mr. 6'5. He's a nice person but I wasn't feeling it. I'm so damn good at that lol! Because of a miscommunication in time and plans my daughter wound up meeting him and hung out with us. She really liked him but said he didn't seem to be my type, whatever that is in her mind. I agree'd though.

So now tonight I'm going for hot chocolate with someone who lives right here in town. Seems like he's got a great sense of humor. Not gonna worry about any type of outcome, just gonna go have some good hot chocolate and hopefully some good conversation.


----------



## hubbyintrubby

I've been living in my apartment for a little over a week now! I cannot tell you how freeing it feels right now. Nobody constantly looking over my shoulder, nobody constantly second guessing everything I do or how I do things. Nobody telling me how to parent my children. It feels like I can breathe again.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

hubbyintrubby said:


> I've been living in my apartment for a little over a week now! I cannot tell you how freeing it feels right now. Nobody constantly looking over my shoulder, nobody constantly second guessing everything I do or how I do things. Nobody telling me how to parent my children. It feels like I can breathe again.


So glad to hear this!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Openminded

hubbyintrubby said:


> I've been living in my apartment for a little over a week now! I cannot tell you how freeing it feels right now. Nobody constantly looking over my shoulder, nobody constantly second guessing everything I do or how I do things. Nobody telling me how to parent my children. It feels like I can breathe again.


👍

You‘ll never wish you had stayed — only that you had left sooner (but better late than never).


----------



## m.t.t

So I told her, she asked how I felt, she listened. Asked if other people around here know what was going on with the ex that showed up for safety etc. She was great, feels so much better just telling her. I think I hesitated as the last person I was with (the one that sent the text) would have lost his sh.. over it.


----------



## hubbyintrubby

Openminded said:


> 👍
> 
> You‘ll never wish you had stayed — only that you had left sooner (but better late than never).


Definitely already feeling this way!


----------



## RebuildingMe

hubbyintrubby said:


> Definitely already feeling this way!


You’ll have your ups and downs, for sure. Glad you finally got out. How are things with the first ex? Too far gone?

Are you filing with this one?


----------



## hubbyintrubby

RebuildingMe said:


> You’ll have your ups and downs, for sure. Glad you finally got out. How are things with the first ex? Too far gone?
> 
> Are you filing with this one?


Yeah too far gone with X1, but that's alright with me. I need some long-term alone time in my life to get myself squared away. We are filing, yes.


----------



## Elizabeth001

hubbyintrubby said:


> Yeah too far gone with X1, but that's alright with me. I need some long-term alone time in my life to get myself squared away. We are filing, yes.


SO glad to hear you say this! Concentrate on the kids and give them a healthy and happy home. They deserve it!


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## LisaDiane

RebuildingMe said:


> You’ll have your ups and downs, for sure. Glad you finally got out. How are things with the first ex? Too far gone?
> 
> Are you filing with this one?


Bam Bam!!!!!!!! You are back!!!!

How do you like your new house?


----------



## RebuildingMe

LisaDiane said:


> Bam Bam!!!!!!!! You are back!!!!
> 
> How do you like your new house?


Believe it or not, I’m still not in the new house  Closing is scheduled for 12/17, then taking the kids to Myrtle Beach the day after Christmas. So I won’t be adjusted until January.


----------



## LisaDiane

RebuildingMe said:


> Believe it or not, I’m still not in the new house  Closing is scheduled for 12/17, then taking the kids to Myrtle Beach the day after Christmas. So I won’t be adjusted until January.


Why should anything you do be EASY, I guess...Lol!!

Enjoy Myrtle Beach!!!


----------



## RandomDude

Almost had a breakdown again, but got a clutch now to lean on. Except... starting to worry over my dependence on this crutch, if she decides she's had enough of being a crutch or using me as her crutch I'm gonna fall flat on my face. I just hope by the time it's over the grieving is done.

What I'm struggling now is how the hell to love again? To open up? It's easy to move on when you are like - oh, I never loved you anyway so whatever... but a pain in the ass when you actually did love someone. People told me it takes years, and the loss sometimes doesn't even heal. Like hell, I'm talking to ghosts of my ex as if she died, which she did, the ghost of her that I loved. Is this what they mean when they say they will be a part of you?

A friend of mine also broke up recently, what the hell happened this lockdown? And she's jumping into a new relationship, moving in, accepted an engagement, and even told her new partner that she will never love him as much as her ex... and they still going with it 🤦‍♂️... now that's the ultimate rebound. Now that I know what love is, is it really fair to be with someone knowing you can't love them as much as you did your ex?


----------



## Numb26

RandomDude said:


> Almost had a breakdown again, but got a clutch now to lean on. Except... starting to worry over my dependence on this crutch, if she decides she's had enough of being a crutch or using me as her crutch I'm gonna fall flat on my face. I just hope by the time it's over the grieving is done.
> 
> What I'm struggling now is how the hell to love again? To open up? It's easy to move on when you are like - oh, I never loved you anyway so whatever... but a pain in the ass when you actually did love someone. People told me it takes years, and the loss sometimes doesn't even heal. Like hell, I'm talking to ghosts of my ex as if she died, which she did, the ghost of her that I loved. Is this what they mean when they say they will be a part of you?
> 
> A friend of mine also broke up recently, what the hell happened this lockdown? And she's jumping into a new relationship, moving in, accepted an engagement, and even told her new partner that she will never love him as much as her ex... and they still going with it 🤦‍♂️... now that's the ultimate rebound. Now that I know what love is, is it really fair to be with someone knowing you can't love them as much as you did your ex?


First, believing you will never love anyone as much as you loved your EX is false.. Thinking like that isn't fair to anyone new you might meet and it's DEFINITELY not fair to yourself.

Second, you don't ever truly stop loving a person. You use what you learned in previous relationships to make more informed decisions later on.

Think you have it bad? I am spending the next week seeing my EX every day. Yuck!


----------



## jlg07

RD, you need TIME. You seem to rushing headlong into trying to find a replacement of your ex, without grieving, without examining, without figuring out the good/bad and making sure your picker is working.
WHY the rush? Work on YOU first, or you will not be good for anyone else.


----------



## RandomDude

This is working on me - I'm trying to find the answers I need to move on. 
I'm not rushing into finding a replacement, I'm happy with just a side crush.



> Second, you don't ever truly stop loving a person.


But people fall out of love all the time, I wanna know how.


----------



## Not

RandomDude said:


> But people fall out of love all the time, I wanna know how.


This is a years long process too. At least it was in my case with my exH. For those who fall out of love within months, I say they weren't in love to begin with.


----------



## RandomDude

In her case it (apparently) took the length of our relationship starting from the issues on our 2nd year, would have been nice of her to tell me she was secretly and slowly falling out of love before she pushed me to propose. Could have bought myself a new fking car by now! Why the hell did she do that? So she had a head start, or did she?

I don't even know what I should be mourning, cause is it the person? I reflect on this and I can't go back, the person I saw for the last time just wasn't the person I loved, it's strange, it's hard to explain. It's almost like she was possessed for 4 years and loved me and at the last minute whatever spirit possessed her buggered off.

And even if ignoring that, all our issues I can't go back, I can't go back to her complaining about how I'm not good enough and comparing me to other men, next time someone does that I'm pulling the plug, I'm not what you want, so F off. I made the stupid promise to her that I would not be the one to make that decision, otherwise our relationship would not have gone past the first year, I passed that ball to her because I'm normally trigger happy with it. No, I can't go back. Not to mention once I'm in my 40s there's going to be fresh age-related issues on top of everything so screw it, dodge the bullet while we can!

And WTF me, she had crazy standards from the start, but I encouraged her, because it's not my place as a lover to tell her to compromise her standards, and love-bombed her for a full year to solidify her expectations. I treated her as if she was a 30 yr old having been in and out of relationships and knows what is reasonable, forgetting she was just 18 at the time and needed to see the world for herself. I ruined myself, because at that time I just wanted to love her as best I could and didn't think of the consequences.

But now I wonder if I was also starting falling out of love myself because of all those issues, nagging, exhaustion and whatever. So what am I mourning? The good memories, there were a lot, the person I did love, the dreams and future we thought we had. In other words, a ghost. Maybe it's just nostalgia but that's enough to break me down?! I just want to get it over and done with and get on with my life. I haven't had it as hard as a lot of people, and I can empathise ALOT more now that I know what love is. But I'm so done with the episodes of sadness, flashes of memories causing me to mourn.

Yet, I can't stop remembering...


----------



## Not

I hear you RD. I don’t have any answers for you. I have been in love before and I look back and remember the pain and see that I never noticed the moment it stopped and I felt like myself again or what I was doing or did that made it stop.

Honestly, to me, looking back it seems like my thoughts/focus just took a natural turn in direction. No effort was really put into it. It just happened while I wasn’t looking so to speak. And that may explain the drive to meet other people you and I are both experiencing. Sort of like a natural inclination to redirect our focus, like we’re wired to do so. 

It's funny how it all works. I wouldn't go back to Tank either but boy do I miss cuddling him and talking with him. Him, not just anyone will do. It's got to be a sort of addiction. That's all I can come up with.


----------



## Hiner112

The naughty photo discussion was kind of interesting. When I was dating my ex, we didn't have cell phones and even later on sharing pictures wasn't a big part of flirting. By the time it was convenient to take pictures (IE not flip phones) we had kids or at least had been married for quite a while. Sharing naughty pictures would have seemed redundant. On the other hand I did take some lingerie pictures with me when I deployed.

When I started dating again I definitely wouldn't have felt comfortable sending a nude or really suggestive picture until we had been intimate in person. By then we were using our words discussing specific things we had enjoyed doing and would like to do. Maybe its because she's a journalist and I'm a reader that we gravitated to words and not pictures.


----------



## RandomDude

Not said:


> I hear you RD. I don’t have any answers for you. I have been in love before and I look back and remember the pain and see that I never noticed the moment it stopped and I felt like myself again or what I was doing or did that made it stop.
> 
> Honestly, to me, looking back it seems like my thoughts/focus just took a natural turn in direction. No effort was really put into it. It just happened while I wasn’t looking so to speak. And that may explain the drive to meet other people you and I are both experiencing. Sort of like a natural inclination to redirect our focus, like we’re wired to do so.
> 
> It's funny how it all works. I wouldn't go back to Tank either but boy do I miss cuddling him and talking with him. Him, not just anyone will do. It's got to be a sort of addiction. That's all I can come up with.


Guess it just takes time, when you look back, are the memories healed?

What I want is to have the same fondness that I had for my ex-fwb-turned-GF years ago before my ex-fiancee, like I never loved her but we had a good experience together and although we split we cherished the memories we shared. I look back and feel no pain, only smiles.

I want to be in that state with ex-fiancee, not this boohoo mess! Hell it's been 4 months yet it feels like yesterday, sometimes I react to sh-t as if she's still next to me, fking ghosts! And EVERYDAY all of this is on my mind in one way or another no matter what I do to suppress it.


----------



## Lila

All of you who said Tall and Tattooed was testing me were spot on. So after I last posted here, I bit the bullet and reached out to him. We went out a few times and _seemed_ to hit it off but looking back I'm not sure how into me he really was. I should have followed my gut and thrown this one back in the pond but I thought "Lila, chill out. You're being paranoid". Well, I need to stick to trusting my gut even if I sound like a negative Nelly. 

There were a ton of red flags that I ignored. For one, when a guy says that he only attracts crazy women, it's usually because that's the kind of women he's attracted to. I am super stable so I was never going to be able to give this guy the adrenaline high he needs to be attracted to me. 

Another red flag was that he talked a good game when it came to his skills in bed. That's ALWAYS a red flag. The best lovers are the ones that keep their mouths shut and instead prove it with action. For the record, he was a selfish lover who expected me to get him going, get myself going, and do all of the work. 

Another one was that his ego was tied to my orgasms but he had no interest in learning what helped me get there. He seemed bored when I showed him what I wanted. He expected me to orgasm on demand when he told me to orgasm 🙄. I really can't make this **** up. 

We also didnt share political ideas. Not a big thing for me but he said more than once that he was "very right wing" and loved politics. I'm a left leaning moderate who believes both sides are full of **** and could care less about the politics of the day. 

He let me know today that he's not feeling it after he sent me another nude and I didn't respond right away. I'm not upset at the fact that he was the one to say the words, he's absolutely right, we're not compatible. I am upset at how pathetic I was to keep at it with someone who was so obviously not good for me. I put up with all of the b.s., not because he's some hunk of a man (he's overweight - I thought he was going to have a heart attack the day he worked out with me), or rich (he lives with his parents), but because I honestly thought he was the best I could get. I can't tell you how disheartening it is to date at this stage in life. FML.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

RandomDude said:


> Almost had a breakdown again, but got a clutch now to lean on. Except... starting to worry over my dependence on this crutch, if she decides she's had enough of being a crutch or using me as her crutch I'm gonna fall flat on my face. I just hope by the time it's over the grieving is done.
> 
> What I'm struggling now is how the hell to love again? To open up? It's easy to move on when you are like - oh, I never loved you anyway so whatever... but a pain in the ass when you actually did love someone. People told me it takes years, and the loss sometimes doesn't even heal. Like hell, I'm talking to ghosts of my ex as if she died, which she did, the ghost of her that I loved. Is this what they mean when they say they will be a part of you?
> 
> A friend of mine also broke up recently, what the hell happened this lockdown? And she's jumping into a new relationship, moving in, accepted an engagement, and even told her new partner that she will never love him as much as her ex... and they still going with it 🤦‍♂️... now that's the ultimate rebound. Now that I know what love is, is it really fair to be with someone knowing you can't love them as much as you did your ex?


It's nice you're thinking of that. No, it's not fair. But also remember that each love is different, so you're not going to get one that's just like the other and have to be open to that.


----------



## jlg07

Lila said:


> . I am upset at how pathetic I was to keep at it with someone who was so obviously not good for me.


NOT pathetic. It was a learning experience that you obviously needed to go through. You will get there...


----------



## DownByTheRiver

Numb26 said:


> First, believing you will never love anyone as much as you loved your EX is false.. Thinking like that isn't fair to anyone new you might meet and it's DEFINITELY not fair to yourself.
> 
> Second, you don't ever truly stop loving a person. You use what you learned in previous relationships to make more informed decisions later on.
> 
> Think you have it bad? I am spending the next week seeing my EX every day. Yuck!


Poor you. I spent 10 years working with an ex (not a spouse) I was serious about. It was very painful at times, fun at others, but I guess the one good thing it did is reestablish something sustainable friendshipwise, as long as we don't try to get too close.


----------



## Lila

jlg07 said:


> NOT pathetic. It was a learning experience that you obviously needed to go through. You will get there...


I understand these are lessons but dammit, I have taken a beating with the lessons. Seriously, there have been 2x4s made of titanium steel. 

I have had one guy commit suicide after I broke up with him, another was a functioning alcoholic who kept it hidden until he couldn't anymore, another was polyamorous and didn't tell me until our third date when he said "I can't wait to tell my girlfriend how much fun we had tonight", a few were looking for swinging partners (they didn't tell me this until I set traps for them), and one was married (the sad thing is that he was the best "relationship" until I learned he was married). Most want more than I am, and the ones who are attracted to me are like Tall and Tattooed, either looking to try something new because what they like is not good for them or have more issues than tissues and are looking for me to fix them. I can't make this up. 

I need the universe to tell me what it is I'm supposed to learn.


----------



## Numb26

DownByTheRiver said:


> Poor you. I spent 10 years working with an ex (not a spouse) I was serious about. It was very painful at times, fun at others, but I guess the one good thing it did is reestablish something sustainable friendshipwise, as long as we don't try to get too close.


Unfortunately, this week has been mostly her doing everything she can to flirt heavily with me LMAO


----------



## DownByTheRiver

Numb26 said:


> Unfortunately, this week has been mostly her doing everything she can to flirt heavily with me LMAO


Pulling your strings. That one I worked opportunity to pull my strings if we ended up outside of work alone anywhere. He knew just what to say. One way I was able to forgive him for some things was because I rationalize that he just wasn't very insightful or malicious, but the way he knew how to pull my strings does make me question that.


----------



## joannacroc

Still taking some time off dating after breakup. Kind of excited to have space to breathe. 4 years is a long time. I hadn't realized how much I allowed him to gaslight me. I used to tell him off for yelling at his mom who is old and forgetful. I kept telling him she can't help it and that that's his mother. He would respond by blame shifting and trying to find things I don't do for her. He half had me believing his BS. After finding texts which basically implied he's just staying to save money and wanted someone new, I waited it out til his son graduated, then asked him to leave. His son is doing well at college now and we still talk sometimes.

I am a lot happier nowadays. Sometimes it is lonely but I think it's best to have respect for yourself and have some standards as to how you will let others treat you. My son and I are doing well. We get more quality time together and I don't have to feel like I'm not good enough for someone. Everything I did for XBF and his son was turned on me as minimal, and dismissed, and all the stuff I didn't do was all they saw. I constantly felt like I couldn't breathe. Who knew the anxiety and sadness was just being in a s*&*(y situation? My goal this year is to be more organized, grow in my career skills, and make more friends. A lot of my friends moved away for jobs and life and whatnot and I don't have a whole lot near me.


----------



## joannacroc

Lila said:


> All of you who said Tall and Tattooed was testing me were spot on. So after I last posted here, I bit the bullet and reached out to him. We went out a few times and _seemed_ to hit it off but looking back I'm not sure how into me he really was. I should have followed my gut and thrown this one back in the pond but I thought "Lila, chill out. You're being paranoid". Well, I need to stick to trusting my gut even if I sound like a negative Nelly.
> 
> There were a ton of red flags that I ignored. For one, when a guy says that he only attracts crazy women, it's usually because that's the kind of women he's attracted to. I am super stable so I was never going to be able to give this guy the adrenaline high he needs to be attracted to me.
> 
> *Another red flag was that he talked a good game when it came to his skills in bed. That's ALWAYS a red flag. The best lovers are the ones that keep their mouths shut and instead prove it with action. *For the record, he was a selfish lover who expected me to get him going, get myself going, and do all of the work.
> 
> Another one was that his ego was tied to my orgasms but he had no interest in learning what helped me get there. He seemed bored when I showed him what I wanted. He expected me to orgasm on demand when he told me to orgasm 🙄. I really can't make this **** up.
> 
> We also didnt share political ideas. Not a big thing for me but he said more than once that he was "very right wing" and loved politics. I'm a left leaning moderate who believes both sides are full of **** and could care less about the politics of the day.
> 
> He let me know today that he's not feeling it after he sent me another nude and I didn't respond right away. I'm not upset at the fact that he was the one to say the words, he's absolutely right, we're not compatible. I am upset at how pathetic I was to keep at it with someone who was so obviously not good for me. I put up with all of the b.s., not because he's some hunk of a man (he's overweight - I thought he was going to have a heart attack the day he worked out with me), or rich (he lives with his parents), but because I honestly thought he was the best I could get. I can't tell you how disheartening it is to date at this stage in life. FML.


I tend to think those people are either delusional or only have flings where they don't put in real effort so nobody gives them guidance about what they need. Sounds like you might have been one of those flings. This just cements for me that the pickings they are slim! I don't know if I'll ever feel like dating again. I suspect not.


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## ccpowerslave

Lila said:


> I put up with all of the b.s., not because he's some hunk of a man (he's overweight - I thought he was going to have a heart attack the day he worked out with me), or rich (he lives with his parents), but because I honestly thought he was the best I could get.


What? No way.

I don’t know why kind of overweight dude sends nudes in the first place.

Compared to most men (especially my age) I am in pretty good shape. I can run faster, farther, hit harder, lift more, etc… for longer. 

I made a video of myself doing overhead squats today because I knew it would look bad and I wanted to see how bad. Watching it back I was like ugh…. What woman would want to see that it’s fricking terrible I don’t even want to see it? So nudes, NO WAY. I think even if I had a full six pack and stuff I would always feel fat.

I think I have hung around too many prize fighters.


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## Elizabeth001

ccpowerslave said:


> What? No way.
> 
> I don’t know why kind of overweight dude sends nudes in the first place.
> 
> Compared to most men (especially my age) I am in pretty good shape. I can run faster, farther, hit harder, lift more, etc… for longer.
> 
> I made a video of myself doing overhead squats today because I knew it would look bad and I wanted to see how bad. Watching it back I was like ugh…. What woman would want to see that it’s fricking terrible I don’t even want to see it? So nudes, NO WAY. I think even if I had a full six pack and stuff I would always feel fat.
> 
> I think I have hung around too many prize fighters.


Dude…the pervs don’t care. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## lifeistooshort

Lila said:


> I understand these are lessons but dammit, I have taken a beating with the lessons. Seriously, there have been 2x4s made of titanium steel.
> 
> I have had one guy commit suicide after I broke up with him, another was a functioning alcoholic who kept it hidden until he couldn't anymore, another was polyamorous and didn't tell me until our third date when he said "I can't wait to tell my girlfriend how much fun we had tonight", a few were looking for swinging partners (they didn't tell me this until I set traps for them), and one was married (the sad thing is that he was the best "relationship" until I learned he was married). Most want more than I am, and the ones who are attracted to me are like Tall and Tattooed, either looking to try something new because what they like is not good for them or have more issues than tissues and are looking for me to fix them. I can't make this up.
> 
> I need the universe to tell me what it is I'm supposed to learn.


The universe is telling you not to accept someone that doesn't make you happy because you imagine you can't do better.

If you truly don't think you can do better and the guy doesn't make you happy it's better to be alone.

Also, if you truly don't think you can do better you probably won't do better because you'll broadcast it and will accept crap.

Do not accept what makes you unhappy....hold out for what does make you happy.


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## 3Xnocharm

Lila don’t be too hard on yourself. There was enough there with mr tall that you needed to see it through and you did exactly that. Dating really does suck, can’t argue with you there. Your guy will come along eventually and take you by surprise. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## DownByTheRiver

joannacroc said:


> Still taking some time off dating after breakup. Kind of excited to have space to breathe. 4 years is a long time. I hadn't realized how much I allowed him to gaslight me. I used to tell him off for yelling at his mom who is old and forgetful. I kept telling him she can't help it and that that's his mother. He would respond by blame shifting and trying to find things I don't do for her. He half had me believing his BS. After finding texts which basically implied he's just staying to save money and wanted someone new, I waited it out til his son graduated, then asked him to leave. His son is doing well at college now and we still talk sometimes.
> 
> I am a lot happier nowadays. Sometimes it is lonely but I think it's best to have respect for yourself and have some standards as to how you will let others treat you. My son and I are doing well. We get more quality time together and I don't have to feel like I'm not good enough for someone. Everything I did for XBF and his son was turned on me as minimal, and dismissed, and all the stuff I didn't do was all they saw. I constantly felt like I couldn't breathe. Who knew the anxiety and sadness was just being in a s*&*(y situation? My goal this year is to be more organized, grow in my career skills, and make more friends. A lot of my friends moved away for jobs and life and whatnot and I don't have a whole lot near me.


It it's hard to maintain friends the older you get. And it's hard to meet new ones. And when you really start getting old, old people seem to kind of get stuck in their worst traits. They don't seem to get easier to be around and I would include myself in that!


----------



## farsidejunky

Lila said:


> All of you who said Tall and Tattooed was testing me were spot on. So after I last posted here, I bit the bullet and reached out to him. We went out a few times and _seemed_ to hit it off but looking back I'm not sure how into me he really was. I should have followed my gut and thrown this one back in the pond but I thought "Lila, chill out. You're being paranoid". Well, I need to stick to trusting my gut even if I sound like a negative Nelly.
> 
> There were a ton of red flags that I ignored. For one, when a guy says that he only attracts crazy women, it's usually because that's the kind of women he's attracted to. I am super stable so I was never going to be able to give this guy the adrenaline high he needs to be attracted to me.
> 
> Another red flag was that he talked a good game when it came to his skills in bed. That's ALWAYS a red flag. The best lovers are the ones that keep their mouths shut and instead prove it with action. For the record, he was a selfish lover who expected me to get him going, get myself going, and do all of the work.
> 
> Another one was that his ego was tied to my orgasms but he had no interest in learning what helped me get there. He seemed bored when I showed him what I wanted. He expected me to orgasm on demand when he told me to orgasm . I really can't make this **** up.
> 
> We also didnt share political ideas. Not a big thing for me but he said more than once that he was "very right wing" and loved politics. I'm a left leaning moderate who believes both sides are full of **** and could care less about the politics of the day.
> 
> He let me know today that he's not feeling it after he sent me another nude and I didn't respond right away. I'm not upset at the fact that he was the one to say the words, he's absolutely right, we're not compatible. I am upset at how pathetic I was to keep at it with someone who was so obviously not good for me. I put up with all of the b.s., not because he's some hunk of a man (he's overweight - I thought he was going to have a heart attack the day he worked out with me), or rich (he lives with his parents), but because I honestly thought he was the best I could get. I can't tell you how disheartening it is to date at this stage in life. FML.


Lesson learned, although I hate that you had to compromise your principles to get there.

You know you deserve better than that.

We know you deserve better than that.

Appearance, character, professional accomplishments, and a general spunkiness...you have entirely too much going for you to settle for...that. 

Lastly, the reason he's a terrible lay is because he dates crazy women. None are easier to please in bed than the crazy ones. He's used to expending minimal effort. 

Be good to yourself, Lila. You are the only one looking out for you (in person). 



Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## jlg07

Lila said:


> I understand these are lessons but dammit, I have taken a beating with the lessons. Seriously, there have been 2x4s made of titanium steel.
> 
> I have had one guy commit suicide after I broke up with him, another was a functioning alcoholic who kept it hidden until he couldn't anymore, another was polyamorous and didn't tell me until our third date when he said "I can't wait to tell my girlfriend how much fun we had tonight", a few were looking for swinging partners (they didn't tell me this until I set traps for them), and one was married (the sad thing is that he was the best "relationship" until I learned he was married). Most want more than I am, and the ones who are attracted to me are like Tall and Tattooed, either looking to try something new because what they like is not good for them or have more issues than tissues and are looking for me to fix them. I can't make this up.
> 
> I need the universe to tell me what it is I'm supposed to learn.


Lila, there is no doubt there are a lot of scumbags out there in this world -- just look ANYWHERE to see this. People who don't respect ANYTHING, including themselves.
BUT, keep your eyes open and be aware, and you will get there. Those experiences are making you smarter each time as to what to look for, and more importantly, what to look OUT for! 
You be YOU, don't be the you they want, and you will find someone who appreciates you.


----------



## RandomDude

DownByTheRiver said:


> It's nice you're thinking of that. No, it's not fair. But also remember that each love is different, so you're not going to get one that's just like the other and have to be open to that.


Well if my friend's 'new love' is what the future holds forget it! 
As for love being different, I dunno, I only really had one and alot of 'halves' in the past so hard to imagine what kind of new love I could possibly experience.

Like hell I just want cuddles and companionship. The latter is irritatingly elusive because it's hard to find someone on the same wavelength, that I can trust and open up to.


----------



## Lila

Thank you everyone for helping me understand my situation better. You all are right. I have the power to choose who I allow into my life. If I allow crappy people in, then crappy experiences is what I can expect. This is not what I want so I should not accept it. 

Dating post divorce has been a struggle for me. It's been a neverending parade of rejections and picker failures. I have compromised on my principles thinking those were the source of my issues. They're not. 

I have to stop focusing on the one thing missing in my life and be grateful for everything else that I do have. I have had no luck finding love but I am blessed well beyond measure in all other areas of life. 

I may be imperfect but I am far from worthless. The right person will see that.


----------



## joannacroc

Lila said:


> Thank you everyone for helping me understand my situation better. You all are right. I have the power to choose who I allow into my life. If I allow crappy people in, then crappy experiences is what I can expect. This is not what I want so I should not accept it.
> 
> Dating post divorce has been a struggle for me. It's been a neverending parade of rejections and picker failures. I have compromised on my principles thinking those were the source of my issues. They're not.
> 
> *I have to stop focusing on the one thing missing in my life and be grateful for everything else that I do have. I have had no luck finding love but I am blessed well beyond measure in all other areas of life.
> 
> I may be imperfect but I am far from worthless. The right person will see that.*


This is kind of the point though - we all want love. It's an understandable urge. But as long as you feel like you[re missing something and that hole will be filled with a person/relationship, I think the people you date will disappoint. Maybe it's a sign to grow your life into one that makes you happy and fulfilled so when the right person does come along, you will be happy and fulfilled and they will just be the delightful cherry on top. 

In the same boat, kind of. Was really committed to making it work with my first LTR after divorce. When it didn't I was forced to realize I need to hone my picker, and also learn to be contented and fulfilled in myself. I shall model myself after Miss Fisher of Miss Fisher's Murder Mysteries minus the murder, but with the sleuthing, fabulous outfits and fun.


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## Andy1001

@Lila I started reading this thread a few pages ago and I would like to point something out to you and I hope you don’t get offended. 
Your picker is seriously broken, really smashed beyond repair. You need a new one or else the one you have needs a long period of convalescing before it can be trusted again. 
You start out dating these guys and in your own words you’re waiting to see the red flags appear. Everyone can see the red flags except you, you appear to develop sudden onset blindness when you meet these losers. 
You originally described tattoo guy as a tall fun guy with a great body and you were waiting for the other shoe to drop because he seemed too good to be true. By the end he was an overweight loser, he was crude, hadn’t a clue about sex and was living with his parents. He was always like this but you refused to see it.
I wouldn’t offend you for the world Lila but I hate to see you having your hopes raised and then dashed again. You need to stop believing that you are somehow incomplete unless you have a man in your life.


----------



## Lila

joannacroc said:


> This is kind of the point though - we all want love. It's an understandable urge. *But as long as you feel like you[re missing something and that hole will be filled with a person/relationship, I think the people you date will disappoint. Maybe it's a sign to grow your life into one that makes you happy and fulfilled so when the right person does come along, you will be happy and fulfilled and they will just be the delightful cherry on top.*
> 
> In the same boat, kind of. Was really committed to making it work with my first LTR after divorce. When it didn't I was forced to realize I need to hone my picker, and also learn to be contented and fulfilled in myself. I shall model myself after Miss Fisher of Miss Fisher's Murder Mysteries minus the murder, but with the sleuthing, fabulous outfits and fun.



That's just it, I am satisfied with my life. I have a great life, one that I would love to share with someone. The thing that I do feel is missing is intimacy and affection which unfortunately I need someone else to provide.


----------



## Lila

Andy1001 said:


> @Lila I started reading this thread a few pages ago and I would like to point something out to you and I hope you don’t get offended.
> Your picker is seriously broken, really smashed beyond repair. You need a new one or else the one you have needs a long period of convalescing before it can be trusted again.
> You start out dating these guys and in your own words you’re waiting to see the red flags appear. Everyone can see the red flags except you, you appear to develop sudden onset blindness when you meet these losers.
> You originally described tattoo guy as a tall fun guy with a great body and you were waiting for the other shoe to drop because he seemed too good to be true. By the end he was an overweight loser, he was crude, hadn’t a clue about sex and was living with his parents. He was always like this but you refused to see it.
> I wouldn’t offend you for the world Lila but I hate to see you having your hopes raised and then dashed again. You need to stop believing that you are somehow incomplete unless you have a man in your life.


First I want to correct one thing you said. I never described tall and tattooed as having a great body. The hot one with the great physique is the former FWB/current on & off again boyfriend. 

I do agree with everything else you said. I feel it's less about the picker being broken, because frankly the dating pool sucks and that's all there is in it, and more that I wait much longer than I should to cut bait. I doubt myself and think maybe I'm being too harsh or rigid or critical, and stay with it much longer than I ever should have. 

And honestly, it's not like I'm out there looking for someone to date all of the time. In the three years I've been divorced, I have "hunted" a total of 4 months and have dated (not counting former FWB/on & off again bf) for a total of maybe 6 months. That's 10 months out of 36. 

The one thing I want is intimacy and affection. How do I get these needs filled without a man (I'm hetero)?


----------



## DownByTheRiver

RandomDude said:


> Well if my friend's 'new love' is what the future holds forget it!
> As for love being different, I dunno, I only really had one and alot of 'halves' in the past so hard to imagine what kind of new love I could possibly experience.
> 
> Like hell I just want cuddles and companionship. The latter is irritatingly elusive because it's hard to find someone on the same wavelength, that I can trust and open up to.


I agree sometimes it's not the cards. But don't give up. I guess the first thing is you have to be in the right mindset to open up to someone and for them to open up to you. It's hard to do that after you've been burned. People can just sense that something is off sometimes so you have to make an effort to kind of get happy enough to socialize. And then of course you have to make the big effort of going out and meeting people. All that is pretty hard when you're not in the right State of mind. I know because I've certainly been there. But once you are in a good place, there's always a chance you'll meet a good person.


----------



## Blondilocks

Lila said:


> How do I get these needs filled without a man (I'm hetero)?


You overlooked a major red flag - tattooed guy lived with his parents. Even if he was living with them because they were physically incapacitated and needed his assistance, you would still be dating a guy who would not be as available as you might like.

It's ok to have personal standards. Listen to and trust your gut. Get happy with being the crazy cat lady or some such and a guy will come along when the time is right.

There is nothing wrong with you, Lila. It's them, I tell ya. It's them!


----------



## LisaDiane

RandomDude said:


> Almost had a breakdown again, but got a clutch now to lean on. Except... starting to worry over my dependence on this crutch, if she decides she's had enough of being a crutch or using me as her crutch I'm gonna fall flat on my face. I just hope by the time it's over the grieving is done.
> 
> What I'm struggling now is how the hell to love again? To open up? It's easy to move on when you are like - oh, I never loved you anyway so whatever... but a pain in the ass when you actually did love someone. People told me it takes years, and the loss sometimes doesn't even heal. Like hell, I'm talking to ghosts of my ex as if she died, which she did, the ghost of her that I loved. Is this what they mean when they say they will be a part of you?
> 
> A friend of mine also broke up recently, what the hell happened this lockdown? And she's jumping into a new relationship, moving in, accepted an engagement, and even told her new partner that she will never love him as much as her ex... and they still going with it 🤦‍♂️... now that's the ultimate rebound. Now that I know what love is, is it really fair to be with someone knowing you can't love them as much as you did your ex?


You feel like you are never going to heal because you are trying to be at Step 45 when you are still only emotionally at Step 12....you are expecting too much from yourself and from what healing actually IS and how it actually happens. 

What I read from your posts is that your efforts are all in trying to avoid your healing journey, instead of embracing it. That means it will be harder and take longer. And you will bring all your pain and issues forward into any new relationship you try to have.


----------



## Lila

Blondilocks said:


> You overlooked a major red flag - tattooed guy lived with his parents. Even if he was living with them because they were physically incapacitated and needed his assistance, you would still be dating a guy who would not be as available as you might like.
> 
> It's ok to have personal standards. Listen to and trust your gut. Get happy with being the crazy cat lady or some such and a guy will come along when the time is right.
> 
> There is nothing wrong with you, Lila. It's them, I tell ya. It's them!


I don't really care that he was living with his parents. His parents are very ill. The red flag was that he didn't tell me and lied by omission when I asked him if his parents lived nearby. He said "yes, they live very close". 

I know this is just a part of my path. The right thing to do is to pick myself back up and keep on trekking. It's just hard right now. I feel like such a fool.


----------



## minimalME

Lila said:


> I feel like such a fool.


Please know you’re not alone in feeling that way. 😔 💕


----------



## Enigma32

Lila said:


> I don't really care that he was living with his parents. His parents are very ill. The red flag was that he didn't tell me and lied by omission when I asked him if his parents lived nearby. He said "yes, they live very close".
> 
> I know this is just a part of my path. The right thing to do is to pick myself back up and keep on trekking. It's just hard right now. I feel like such a fool.


I have a friend who is in his late 30's and still lives with his parents. He lies to the ladies about it also. Any guy still living with mommy and daddy has to lie about it if he wants to be taken seriously by the ladies so it's what they do. If I was a woman, I would just pass on those guys regardless of what reasons they give since those reasons are almost 100% likely to be absolute hogwash.


----------



## LisaDiane

Lila said:


> I don't really care that he was living with his parents. His parents are very ill. The red flag was that he didn't tell me and lied by omission when I asked him if his parents lived nearby. He said "yes, they live very close".
> 
> I know this is just a part of my path. The right thing to do is to pick myself back up and keep on trekking. It's just hard right now. I feel like such a fool.


We need a (((HUGS))) emoji!!!!

Hang in there Lila!!!


----------



## Lila

minimalME said:


> Please know you’re not alone in feeling that way. 😔 💕





LisaDiane said:


> We need a (((HUGS))) emoji!!!!
> 
> Hang in there Lila!!!



Thanks @minimalME and @lisadane. It means a lot to me that everyone is so supportive here on TAM. I think it's the shame that I m struggling with most right now. I haven't told anyone in real life because I am afraid of hearing "not again". I know my dating life is the laughing stock of the group but until I can laugh about it, it's hard for me to share it with them.


----------



## minimalME

Lila said:


> Thanks @minimalME and @lisadane. It means a lot to me that everyone is so supportive here on TAM. I think it's the shame that I m struggling with most right now. I haven't told anyone in real life because I am afraid of hearing "not again". I know my dating life is the laughing stock of the group but until I can laugh about it, it's hard for me to share it with them.


This is why I stopped.

It was never enjoyable, but I eventually felt so unattractive, unloveable, and unwanted, that it wasn’t worth my time anymore.

And now, three years out of it, I can’t imagine ever doing it again. 🤗


----------



## Lila

Enigma32 said:


> I have a friend who is in his late 30's and still lives with his parents. He lies to the ladies about it also. Any guy still living with mommy and daddy has to lie about it if he wants to be taken seriously by the ladies so it's what they do. If I was a woman, I would just pass on those guys regardless of what reasons they give since those reasons are almost 100% likely to be absolute hogwash.


He said the same thing to me when I confronted him on the lie. He said he doesn't disclose right away because most women pass on him soon thereafter. Lesson learned.


----------



## Numb26

So, thanks to some tough love from a nameless TAM member I am going to try something serious with the woman I am dating. Wish me luck


----------



## Enigma32

Lila said:


> He said the same thing to me when I confronted him on the lie. He said he doesn't disclose right away because most women pass on him soon thereafter. Lesson learned.


I don't blame women for passing on them. At the very least, a guy should get out on his own in the world. He doesn't need to own a mansion or anything, just be able to demonstrate that he can survive on his own without his parents taking care of him. Your guy is probably good looking enough that ladies believe his crap long enough for him to get laid at least. He isn't planning long term.


----------



## ccpowerslave

Numb26 said:


> So, thanks to some tough love from a nameless TAM member I am going to try something serious with the woman I am dating. Wish me luck


I hope it is @CharlieParker ‘s standard marital advice.


----------



## Lila

Enigma32 said:


> I don't blame women for passing on them. At the very least, a guy should get out on his own in the world. He doesn't need to own a mansion or anything, just be able to demonstrate that he can survive on his own without his parents taking care of him. Your guy is probably good looking enough that ladies believe his crap long enough for him to get laid at least. He isn't planning long term.


Honestly, he's not that good looking but what he lacks in looks he makes up for in confidence and game. He's a great story teller and has lived an interesting life which makes him very entertaining. 

I do believe he's looking for something long term. Unfortunately the qualities he finds attractive (gleaned from his dating history) do not make for a good long term partner. On the crazy/hot matrix, he's looking for a long term partner who pings 10s on both.


----------



## Numb26

ccpowerslave said:


> I hope it is @CharlieParker ‘s standard marital advice.


Nope LOL


----------



## Lila

Numb26 said:


> So, thanks to some tough love from a nameless TAM member I am going to try something serious with the woman I am dating. Wish me luck



"You're up" {high five}. Good luck Numb!!


----------



## Enigma32

Lila said:


> Honestly, he's not that good looking but what he lacks in looks he makes up for in confidence and game. He's a great story teller and has lived an interesting life which makes him very entertaining.
> 
> I do believe he's looking for something long term. Unfortunately the qualities he finds attractive (gleaned from his dating history) do not make for a good long term partner. On the crazy/hot matrix, he's looking for a long term partner who pings 10s on both.


Sounds like me in my 20's lol. A guy should grow out of that crap after a while though, especially if he expects something meaningful and lasting to happen.


----------



## RandomDude

DownByTheRiver said:


> I agree sometimes it's not the cards. But don't give up. I guess the first thing is you have to be in the right mindset to open up to someone and for them to open up to you. It's hard to do that after you've been burned. People can just sense that something is off sometimes so you have to make an effort to kind of get happy enough to socialize. And then of course you have to make the big effort of going out and meeting people. All that is pretty hard when you're not in the right State of mind. I know because I've certainly been there. But once you are in a good place, there's always a chance you'll meet a good person.


My heart won't give up, I'm no longer trying to work opposite to my emotions compared to the past, trying to work with it so have to get into the right state of mind asap, preferably by next year and new start.



LisaDiane said:


> You feel like you are never going to heal because you are trying to be at Step 45 when you are still only emotionally at Step 12....you are expecting too much from yourself and from what healing actually IS and how it actually happens.
> 
> What I read from your posts is that your efforts are all in trying to avoid your healing journey, instead of embracing it. That means it will be harder and take longer. And you will bring all your pain and issues forward into any new relationship you try to have.


I'd like to think at least step 15 
And of course I expect better from myself. Not trying to avoid it, but hasten it. I put myself out there to identify what is broken, and once I find it I want to fix it one by one.

I know I need to heal, been reflecting and it seems there is only one ultimate way out of this emotional bind and that's to love someone else more than I loved my ex. Then my ex will join the ranks of all the other happy memories and that's that. I can't do that right now and I know it. Being happy single may have cut it last time, but not this time. 

Yet it seems all I need is time, in theory.


----------



## RandomDude

Numb26 said:


> So, thanks to some tough love from a nameless TAM member I am going to try something serious with the woman I am dating. Wish me luck


Wow, that's a change!


----------



## RandomDude

Lila said:


> That's just it, I am satisfied with my life. I have a great life, one that I would love to share with someone. The thing that I do feel is missing is intimacy and affection which unfortunately I need someone else to provide.


I got a body pillow for cuddles. 

Companionship though... 
Hell I would be happy to have ex as my best friend again. In fact most of my mourning is not even the relationship, its the fact that she was the best friend I had in my life 

Though honestly Lila, I know there comes a point when you have to be realistic with your expectations but the way you described your last guy OMFG no!


----------



## Lila

RandomDude said:


> I got a body pillow for cuddles.
> 
> Companionship though...
> Hell I would be happy to have ex as my best friend again. In fact most of my mourning is not even the relationship, its the fact that she was the best friend I had in my life


I'm really sorry you lost both your love and your best friend. It's hard enough trying to replace one. Both is going to take some time.

I would say it's easier to find the friend but I'm not sure that's true. Good friends with whom you can be free to be yourself are hard to come by, sometimes impossible. I do hope you'll be able to focus on healing before you rush back out there again.



> Though honestly Lila, I know there comes a point when you have to be realistic with your expectations but the way you described your last guy OMFG no!


Yeah. Writing it out here makes me wonder what I was thinking.


----------



## LisaDiane

Lila said:


> Thanks @minimalME and @lisadane. It means a lot to me that everyone is so supportive here on TAM. I think it's the shame that I m struggling with most right now. I haven't told anyone in real life because I am afraid of hearing "not again". I know my dating life is the laughing stock of the group but until I can laugh about it, it's hard for me to share it with them.


Do they really SAY that?? "Not again"....yikes, I hope not!

I just want to point out that in my marriage, even when things were "good", there were plenty of times when I felt unlovable and unwanted. And when things were bad...well, I just can't imagine anything being more rejecting and demoralizing than I felt being with him like that!!!


----------



## LisaDiane

minimalME said:


> This is why I stopped.
> 
> It was never enjoyable, but I eventually felt so unattractive, unloveable, and unwanted, that it wasn’t worth my time anymore.
> 
> And now, three years out of it, I can’t imagine ever doing it again. 🤗


(((HUGS))) emoji for YOU too!!!!


----------



## LisaDiane

RandomDude said:


> I'd like to think at least step 15
> And of course I expect better from myself. Not trying to avoid it, but hasten it. I put myself out there to identify what is broken, and once I find it I want to fix it one by one.
> 
> I know I need to heal, been reflecting and *it seems there is only one ultimate way out of this emotional bind and that's to love someone else more than I loved my ex.* Then my ex will join the ranks of all the other happy memories and that's that. I can't do that right now and I know it. Being happy single may have cut it last time, but not this time.
> 
> Yet it seems all I need is time, in theory.


Sure, I'll give you Step 15!!!
And hastening it IS avoiding it.

See what I bolded...?? NOPE. But I really do hope you find the healing you need, in your way!


----------



## DownByTheRiver

Lila said:


> All of you who said Tall and Tattooed was testing me were spot on. So after I last posted here, I bit the bullet and reached out to him. We went out a few times and _seemed_ to hit it off but looking back I'm not sure how into me he really was. I should have followed my gut and thrown this one back in the pond but I thought "Lila, chill out. You're being paranoid". Well, I need to stick to trusting my gut even if I sound like a negative Nelly.
> 
> There were a ton of red flags that I ignored. For one, when a guy says that he only attracts crazy women, it's usually because that's the kind of women he's attracted to. I am super stable so I was never going to be able to give this guy the adrenaline high he needs to be attracted to me.
> 
> Another red flag was that he talked a good game when it came to his skills in bed. That's ALWAYS a red flag. The best lovers are the ones that keep their mouths shut and instead prove it with action. For the record, he was a selfish lover who expected me to get him going, get myself going, and do all of the work.
> 
> Another one was that his ego was tied to my orgasms but he had no interest in learning what helped me get there. He seemed bored when I showed him what I wanted. He expected me to orgasm on demand when he told me to orgasm 🙄. I really can't make this **** up.
> 
> We also didnt share political ideas. Not a big thing for me but he said more than once that he was "very right wing" and loved politics. I'm a left leaning moderate who believes both sides are full of **** and could care less about the politics of the day.
> 
> He let me know today that he's not feeling it after he sent me another nude and I didn't respond right away. I'm not upset at the fact that he was the one to say the words, he's absolutely right, we're not compatible. I am upset at how pathetic I was to keep at it with someone who was so obviously not good for me. I put up with all of the b.s., not because he's some hunk of a man (he's overweight - I thought he was going to have a heart attack the day he worked out with me), or rich (he lives with his parents), but because I honestly thought he was the best I could get. I can't tell you how disheartening it is to date at this stage in life. FML.


I think when this guy says the women are crazy, it's only because they're not falling under his spell because he grossly overestimates his magic.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

RandomDude said:


> My heart won't give up, I'm no longer trying to work opposite to my emotions compared to the past, trying to work with it so have to get into the right state of mind asap, preferably by next year and new start.
> 
> 
> 
> I'd like to think at least step 15
> And of course I expect better from myself. Not trying to avoid it, but hasten it. I put myself out there to identify what is broken, and once I find it I want to fix it one by one.
> 
> I know I need to heal, been reflecting and it seems there is only one ultimate way out of this emotional bind and that's to love someone else more than I loved my ex. Then my ex will join the ranks of all the other happy memories and that's that. I can't do that right now and I know it. Being happy single may have cut it last time, but not this time.
> 
> Yet it seems all I need is time, in theory.


One thing you have to remember about past loves is how much and how you love them is sometimes just directly related to your age and level of experience at the time. Love with blinders on completely trusting and vulnerable is something that most people who have ever dated around much will never feel again. Young love is idealistic and trusting and full of hope and exploration and discovery. It's just different once you have some experience under your belt or once you've had a failed relationship. It's hard to ever be that open again, but once you accept the reality of everything, you might find a completely different kind of love that is also just as good and more realistic.


----------



## RandomDude

Lila said:


> I'm really sorry you lost both your love and your best friend. It's hard enough trying to replace one. Both is going to take some time.
> 
> I would say it's easier to find the friend but I'm not sure that's true. *Good friends with whom you can be free to be yourself are hard to come by, sometimes impossible. *I do hope you'll be able to focus on healing before you rush back out there again.
> 
> Yeah. Writing it out here makes me wonder what I was thinking.


That's it right there!



LisaDiane said:


> Sure, I'll give you Step 15!!!
> And hastening it IS avoiding it.
> 
> See what I bolded...?? NOPE. But I really do hope you find the healing you need, in your way!


I meant ultimately lol, not like right now 

How is hastening it avoiding it? As soon as it starts to pop up in my head I process it immediately, then once I'm find, I push myself forward until I find another valve I need to fix.



DownByTheRiver said:


> One thing you have to remember about past loves is how much and how you love them is sometimes just directly related to your age and level of experience at the time. Love with blinders on completely trusting and vulnerable is something that most people who have ever dated around much will never feel again. Young love is idealistic and trusting and full of hope and exploration and discovery. It's just different once you have some experience under your belt or once you've had a failed relationship. It's hard to ever be that open again, but once you accept the reality of everything, you might find a completely different kind of love that is also just as good and more realistic.


My journey has been upside down, in almost all my relationships I have not been trusting or vulnerable, and that affected all of them like ex-wife. I didn't even think I was capable of being in love rather just loving, I made so much progress in that. Hell the fact that our love was indeed idealistic and trusting and full of hope and exploration and discovery explains our connection despite 14 years and 2 life phases apart.

But now that I tasted it I'm not so sure I can go back to the relationships I had with ex-wife, ex-FWB-turned-GF, or all the other exs I've pretty much forgotten.


----------



## Lila

LisaDiane said:


> Do they really SAY that?? "Not again"....yikes, I hope not!
> 
> I just want to point out that in my marriage, even when things were "good", there were plenty of times when I felt unlovable and unwanted. And when things were bad...well, I just can't imagine anything being more rejecting and demoralizing than I felt being with him like that!!!


They don't say it to be cruel. For the most part I do not ask for their support during the worst of it. It has to be a really really rough breakup for me to call on them for a shoulder to cry on. I cry in private. They hear the after shock when I can look back at it and say "this is too crazy to be real". 

Most of my friends are married and the ones that aren't, do not date. So they see my struggles as the boogie man of being single after 40. I help the married ones work through their issues with their spouses and scare the single ones into not dating. They are amazed at my fortitude to keep going back for more pain.


----------



## Elizabeth001

Numb26 said:


> So, thanks to some tough love from a nameless TAM member I am going to try something serious with the woman I am dating. Wish me luck


Anal? Isn’t it a little too soon for that?



Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## Numb26

Elizabeth001 said:


> Anal? Isn’t it a little too soon for that?
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


That's a 5th date activity!


----------



## Enigma32

Numb26 said:


> That's a 5th date activity!


5th date? Anal by the end of the 1st date or I am leaving. That's alpha AF bro


----------



## Numb26

Enigma32 said:


> 5th date? Anal by the end of the 1st date or I am leaving. That's alpha AF bro


I'm slacking then 🤣🤣🤣


----------



## Enigma32

Numb26 said:


> I'm slacking then 🤣🤣🤣


I expect better from you. If she starts talking about herself, just cut her off mid sentence and ask how she feels about 1st date anal. Let her know you ain't paying for dinner unless there is some chocolate starfish for dessert.


----------



## Numb26

Enigma32 said:


> I expect better from you. If she starts talking about herself, just cut her off mid sentence and ask how she feels about 1st date anal. Let her know you ain't paying for dinner unless there is some chocolate starfish for dessert.


🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 I need to get a copy of your guidebook!


----------



## DownByTheRiver

Lila said:


> Thanks @minimalME and @lisadane. It means a lot to me that everyone is so supportive here on TAM. I think it's the shame that I m struggling with most right now. I haven't told anyone in real life because I am afraid of hearing "not again". I know my dating life is the laughing stock of the group but until I can laugh about it, it's hard for me to share it with them.


Oh I imagine the group are way too focused on themselves to spend any undue amount of time laughing at your trial and errors. But I know what you mean. I had trouble letting things go and bent my friend's ears about it far too much I'm sure.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

@Lila, do you not have a dog? Seriously having a dog to cuddle and look forward to your every move and word takes care of at least half of what our relationship with a man gives you. A dog will never cheat unless someone else is concealing a piece of bacon in their pocket, and they are better cuddlers and better listeners and are never grumpy when you come home. And they don't care if you use a vibrator. Two is even better because then they're not anxious when you leave as much.


----------



## TXTrini

Numb26 said:


> So, thanks to some tough love from a nameless TAM member I am going to try something serious with the woman I am dating. Wish me luck


Dude! Tell us more...


----------



## Numb26

TXTrini said:


> Dude! Tell us more...


Don't want to jinx it but she is the total opposite of my type physically, smarter then me and is not afraid of my size LOL


----------



## TXTrini

Lila said:


> They don't say it to be cruel. For the most part I do not ask for their support during the worst of it. It has to be a really really rough breakup for me to call on them for a shoulder to cry on. I cry in private. They hear the after shock when I can look back at it and say "this is too crazy to be real".
> 
> Most of my friends are married and the ones that aren't, do not date. So they see my struggles as the boogie man of being single after 40. I help the married ones work through their issues with their spouses and scare the single ones into not dating. They are amazed at my fortitude to keep going back for more pain.


I have to admit, I was once one of those obnoxious people. Better devil you know and all that jazz... 

I'm sorry you're feeling low, it truly sucks to feel unlovable... been there. It's even lonlier feeling that way while married. Just remember no-one knows what goes on behind closed doors, so maybe their lives aren't totally awesome and they need to feel better about their own lives and sacrifices.

You're pretty awesome and relentless, keep on keeping on!


----------



## heartsbeating

Lila said:


> He said the same thing to me when I confronted him on the lie. He said he doesn't disclose right away because most women pass on him soon thereafter. Lesson learned.


...and yet they don't pass on the quite soon nudie shots?


----------



## TXTrini

Numb26 said:


> Don't want to jinx it but she is the total opposite of my type physically, smarter then me and is not afraid of my size LOL


It's such a relief that you're not totally hopeless 🙃 

What's in a type, hmm? As long as you can be yourself and be happy 😊. Can't wait to hear the updates, I'm rooting for ya!


----------



## Numb26

TXTrini said:


> It's such a relief that you're not totally hopeless 🙃
> 
> What's in a type, hmm? As long as you can be yourself and be happy 😊. Can't wait to hear the updates, I'm rooting for ya!


She gave me a choice and its time I step up. 🙂


----------



## heartsbeating

Lila said:


> I doubt myself and think maybe I'm being too harsh or rigid or critical, and stay with it much longer than I ever should have.


This is a good self-reflection, for what it's worth. And you'll encounter it again. All I can offer, which isn't even specific to dating, is to lead more with conviction. And perhaps when the narratives of self-doubt 'maybe I'm being too rigid...' comes about then focus inwardly to get to feeling 'nope, this is what I'm about'. Sure, there's a time and place for flexibility, but from a grounded place of conviction, those moments can also be navigated. Add in for good measure having less funks to give. I don't mean to sound preachy, @Lila and I feel that sometimes I come across that way... yet no doubt we all experience these things in different ways and scenarios.

In my humble/potentially preachy opinion, the worst thing you can do right now is mentally beat yourself up for going back to him. If you allow this to be the great lesson that it presents for you, then wowzers, there's a whole lot that could shift in different directions for you when these kind of scenarios and internal thoughts arise again. And you approach them differently. With conviction.


----------



## Lila

DownByTheRiver said:


> @Lila, do you not have a dog? Seriously having a dog to cuddle and look forward to your every move and word takes care of at least half of what our relationship with a man gives you. A dog will never cheat unless someone else is concealing a piece of bacon in their pocket, and they are better cuddlers and better listeners and are never grumpy when you come home. And they don't care if you use a vibrator. Two is even better because then they're not anxious when you leave as much.


Lol. I have two dogs with a combined weight of < 14 lbs. I love them dearly, and they give me tons of affection, but they are no replacement for intimacy - not to be confused with sex. In order for me to move forward, I do have to give up on that dream.


----------



## RandomDude

Elizabeth001 said:


> Anal? Isn’t it a little too soon for that?
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


Hahahahahahahaa 



Numb26 said:


> That's a 5th date activity!





Enigma32 said:


> 5th date? Anal by the end of the 1st date or I am leaving. That's alpha AF bro


 LOL


----------



## Lila

TXTrini said:


> I have to admit, I was once one of those obnoxious people. Better devil you know and all that jazz...
> 
> I'm sorry you're feeling low, it truly sucks to feel unlovable... been there. It's even lonlier feeling that way while married. Just remember no-one knows what goes on behind closed doors, so maybe their lives aren't totally awesome and they need to feel better about their own lives and sacrifices.
> 
> You're pretty awesome and relentless, keep on keeping on!


My mother used to tell me that behind the door to every household is an unknown world to the outside observer, and she's right. I don't think my friends are ill intentioned when they say "not again". They genuinely want to see me be happy. I am the strong rock, always keeping it together. They are just surprised when I am not. 

Thanks for the kind words @TXTrini. Keeping on is what I do. 😉




heartsbeating said:


> ...and yet they don't pass on the quite soon nudie shots?


Apparently not which is why I think I'm definitely not the norm.



heartsbeating said:


> This is a good self-reflection, for what it's worth. And you'll encounter it again. All I can offer, which isn't even specific to dating, is to lead more with conviction. And perhaps when the narratives of self-doubt 'maybe I'm being too rigid...' comes about then focus inwardly to get to feeling 'nope, this is what I'm about'. Sure, there's a time and place for flexibility, but from a grounded place of conviction, those moments can also be navigated. Add in for good measure having less funks to give. I don't mean to sound preachy, @Lila and I feel that sometimes I come across that way... yet no doubt we all experience these things in different ways and scenarios.
> 
> In my humble/potentially preachy opinion, the worst thing you can do right now is mentally beat yourself up for going back to him. If you allow this to be the great lesson that it presents for you, then wowzers, there's a whole lot that could shift in different directions for you when these kind of scenarios and internal thoughts arise again. And you approach them differently. With conviction.


You described it perfectly. I lack conviction particularly with uncharted experiences. Practice makes perfect though. Now that i have experienced this, I'm not going to repeat the same mistake.


----------



## RebuildingMe

On the whole living with your parents thing, I wouldn’t automatically dismiss someone due to that. I’ve been living at my brother’s for almost two years due to life’s crap, and I met someone who owns their own house. Then again, I would be dismissed after 5 minutes with @Lila for other reasons


----------



## RebuildingMe

Numb26 said:


> She gave me a choice and its time I step up. 🙂


Good luck whatever it is you’re up to!


----------



## Hopeful Cynic

RandomDude said:


> I know I need to heal, been reflecting and it seems there is only one ultimate way out of this emotional bind and that's to love someone else more than I loved my ex. Then my ex will join the ranks of all the other happy memories and that's that. I can't do that right now and I know it. Being happy single may have cut it last time, but not this time.


I have to give you a big NOPE on that one. You can't rely on a next woman to get you over the previous woman. Aside from that being a big responsibility no one deserves to be given, it gives your control over your life to someone else. You need to heal on your own before you can give your best self to another relationship.

Steps 16 through about 30 are probably self-rebuilding kind of steps. Work out. Eat better. Re-examine your finances. Resume old hobbies you had set aside, or try a new one. Make new goals (not relationship-related ones) for the future and start working towards them. Volunteer somewhere. Adopt a puppy. (actually, dogs provide a LOT of the things single people claim they miss about relationships - companionship, cuddles, affection, etc)


----------



## DownByTheRiver

A


Lila said:


> Lol. I have two dogs with a combined weight of < 14 lbs. I love them dearly, and they give me tons of affection, but they are no replacement for intimacy - not to be confused with sex. In order for me to move forward, I do have to give up on that dream.


Aww, well they're doing the best they can for their small size. Did you have intimacy in a relationship before that you were happy with? I just think everyone kind of defines that differently because it means something different to different people.

It's kind of confusing to me. When I was younger of course and meeting and dating people, I just always had guys who would spill their guts to me and really talk to me. Sometimes it was a little one-sided and more about them. But not always. But I never felt like I had found the whole package, but for me I think it's because I was just always so independent-minded and used to being that way, so it might have made it hard for the guys to get really locked in. One that I was serious about and have known for decades would say that I don't need him so I guess he had to lock on to women who were a little needy. One who said he was no good at intimacy told me things about himself that he may not have told anyone else but it was not in the context of real dating. I kind of suspect that he was a little like me and just not good at the domesticity type of stuff. And one thing I do know about him is he had to save someone to feel like he needed to commit to them and so that certainly wasn't me.

So intimacy is kind of a different adventure for different people I guess.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

RebuildingMe said:


> On the whole living with your parents thing, I wouldn’t automatically dismiss someone due to that. I’ve been living at my brother’s for almost two years due to life’s crap, and I met someone who owns their own house.


Almost everyone hits a rough time at some point and needs to lean on family. Which is why I gave my last bf a chance despite the fact he had recently moved back to his parents house. I understood his life had just fallen apart under his feet. However. Fast forward five years. He made zero effort to improve his life enough to be able to get back out on his own again. He paid no rent yet was always broke. I learned as we went along that he always ended up back with them every few years his entire life. I eventually got it through my head that he was wasting my time. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## RebuildingMe

3Xnocharm said:


> Almost everyone hits a rough time at some point and needs to lean on family. Which is why I gave my last bf a chance despite the fact he had recently moved back to his parents house. I understood his life had just fallen apart under his feet. However. Fast forward five years. He made zero effort to improve his life enough to be able to get back out on his own again. He paid no rent yet was always broke. I learned as we went along that he always ended up back with them every few years his entire life. I eventually got it through my head that he was wasting my time.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I totally get that. If someone is making no efforts to improve their “temporary” situation, that’s the red flag.

That being said, I close on my new house tomorrow! Exciting times for me and the kids. Just in time for Christmas!


----------



## Lila

DownByTheRiver said:


> Did you have intimacy in a relationship before that you were happy with?



Yes. I did have this with my ex husband before things went sideways and I also had it with on again/off again when things were good. 

I'm not sure I can even describe it properly but I'll give you an example. It's wordlessly giving my partner a long hug without asking and having them reciprocate because they know I need it, not because they feel obligated (there's a difference in those hugs and I know the difference).


----------



## ccpowerslave

Lila said:


> It's wordlessly giving my partner a long hug without asking and having them reciprocate because they know I need it, not because they feel obligated (there's a difference in those hugs and I know the difference).


In my experience this takes time to develop organically to where it is all based on non-verbal cues. I know what you’re saying in general these last few posts and I agree 100%.

I believe man and woman are designed to operate together as a pair. When I am by myself I feel like my life changes to black and white instead of color. 

I love animals both dogs and cats and it’s not quite the same it’s more like without an animal I feel like I still have color but maybe yellow isn’t as vibrant anymore. I still feel like something important is missing it’s just not as important.


----------



## Lila

RebuildingMe said:


> On the whole living with your parents thing, I wouldn’t automatically dismiss someone due to that. I’ve been living at my brother’s for almost two years due to life’s crap, and I met someone who owns their own house.


This is why I didn't necessarily have an issue with his living situation. The issue was the lying about it when asked. Did you disclose to the women you dated that you lived in the basement of your brother's house? How long did you wait to disclose that information?



> Then again, I would be dismissed after 5 minutes with @Lila for other reasons


😂 Do you ask and send sexually explicit pics within the first 5 minutes?

But you're right. I have certain deal breakers and you have one that I know of - young kids under 14. My other deal breakers involve general lifestyle choices and........cats (horrible allergies).


----------



## Lila

ccpowerslave said:


> In my experience this takes time to develop organically to where it is all based on non-verbal cues. I know what you’re saying in general these last few posts and I agree 100%.
> *
> I believe man and woman are designed to operate together as a pair. When I am by myself I feel like my life changes to black and white instead of color. *
> 
> I love animals both dogs and cats and it’s not quite the same it’s more like without an animal I feel like I still have color but maybe yellow isn’t as vibrant anymore. I still feel like something important is missing it’s just not as important.


Yes on the color analogy!!!! That's exactly what it feels like. Oh course this is all assuming that things are fundamentally good in the relationship. Even when I was so angry I wanted to scream at on/off again, I still had that intimate connection. 

I completely understand this connection takes time to build. Walls have to come down on both sides for that to work.


----------



## minimalME

ccpowerslave said:


> When I am by myself I feel like my life changes to black and white instead of color.


This is so interesting! I’m the opposite. 😬


----------



## ccpowerslave

minimalME said:


> This is so interesting! I’m the opposite. 😬


I have only lived by myself for maybe a year. Other than that I always had roommates or lived in a dorm. I didn’t like living completely by myself at all.


----------



## minimalME

ccpowerslave said:


> I have only lived by myself for maybe a year. Other than that I always had roommates or lived in a dorm. I didn’t like living completely by myself at all.


I understand. I’m the opposite. For me, it’s a relief - it’s peaceful and quiet and there are no misunderstandings or power struggles.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

Lila said:


> Yes. I did have this with my ex husband before things went sideways and I also had it with on again/off again when things were good.
> 
> I'm not sure I can even describe it properly but I'll give you an example. It's wordlessly giving my partner a long hug without asking and having them reciprocate because they know I need it, not because they feel obligated (there's a difference in those hugs and I know the difference).


You need a man with a high level of empathy. You think any decent man would hug you back when you needed a hug, but I know what you mean when you say you don't want it to be obligatory.


----------



## TXTrini

DownByTheRiver said:


> You need a man with a high level of empathy. You think any decent man would hug you back when you needed a hug, but I know what you mean when you say you don't want it to be obligatory.


I totally agree! Dare I say one in tune with and not ashamed on his emotions? Of course, some women might poopoo those kinds of men before trying them out and seeing how warm and super cuddly they can be. 

My bf a man like that, and he's so sensitive to my needs it makes it easier for me to be vulnerable. I don't mind the least bit when he needs alone time or TLC, bc I need those too. He's not the traditionally macho man, but there's absolutely nothing submissive about him. 

Do you like introverted men @Lila ? Lots of treasures to discover there if you don't mind digging a little.


----------



## TXTrini

ccpowerslave said:


> In my experience this takes time to develop organically to where it is all based on non-verbal cues. I know what you’re saying in general these last few posts and I agree 100%.
> 
> I believe man and woman are designed to operate together as a pair. When I am by myself I feel like my life changes to black and white instead of color.
> 
> I love animals both dogs and cats and it’s not quite the same it’s more like without an animal I feel like I still have color but maybe yellow isn’t as vibrant anymore. I still feel like something important is missing it’s just not as important.


This was beautifully said! You surprise me, my friend! 

Though I gotta tweak the sentiment a little for myself... I only prefer living with someone compatible over living alone, otherwise it's a drag. That someone knows never to speak to me before my first cup of coffee!


----------



## Lila

DownByTheRiver said:


> You need a man with a high level of empathy. You think any decent man would hug you back when you needed a hug, but I know what you mean when you say you don't want it to be obligatory.


Maybe. I don't know TBH. I tend to gravitate towards warm but stoic men who give and receive physical affection outside of sexual situations. 

@TXTrini, I'm not opposed to introverted men but in my experience, they are opposed to me. I do enjoy socializing and getting out, and I expect anyone I date to share somewhat in that part of my life. 

My ex husband is an introvert and the one thing he would harp on was that my mind is usually moving at 1,000 miles a minute. By the time he'd actually respond to something I was saying, I was already on to something else. Actually, now that i think of it, I have overwhelmed or royally pissed off every introvert I have ever dated. 😂


----------



## ccpowerslave

TXTrini said:


> This was beautifully said! You surprise me, my friend!
> 
> Though I gotta tweak the sentiment a little for myself... I only prefer living with someone compatible over living alone, otherwise it's a drag. That someone knows never to speak to me before my first cup of coffee!


Every once in a while I have a moment and then it’s gone.

I agree on this although I only once briefly had a roommate I didn’t get along with and that didn’t last long (3 months).


----------



## RandomDude

Hopeful Cynic said:


> I have to give you a big NOPE on that one. You can't rely on a next woman to get you over the previous woman. Aside from that being a big responsibility no one deserves to be given, it gives your control over your life to someone else. You need to heal on your own before you can give your best self to another relationship.
> 
> Steps 16 through about 30 are probably self-rebuilding kind of steps. Work out. Eat better. Re-examine your finances. Resume old hobbies you had set aside, or try a new one. Make new goals (not relationship-related ones) for the future and start working towards them. Volunteer somewhere. Adopt a puppy. (actually, dogs provide a LOT of the things single people claim they miss about relationships - companionship, cuddles, affection, etc)


Sure, healing has to be by myself but I look at the future, years down the track, and if I'm still single I'm always going to associate love itself with my ex and the memories we shared. If there is a way to reach a point where I can forget about her completely while being single I'm all for it, tell me how. Ex rendered everyone in my past obsolete in my heart. 

I want to render her obsolete the same way. With or without someone else.


----------



## Numb26

Lila said:


> Maybe. I don't know TBH. I tend to gravitate towards warm but stoic men who give and receive physical affection outside of sexual situations.
> 
> @TXTrini, I'm not opposed to introverted men but in my experience, they are opposed to me. I do enjoy socializing and getting out, and I expect anyone I date to share somewhat in that part of my life.
> 
> My ex husband is an introvert and the one thing he would harp on was that my mind is usually moving at 1,000 miles a minute. By the time he'd actually respond to something I was saying, I was already on to something else. Actually, now that i think of it, I have overwhelmed or royally pissed off every introvert I have ever dated. 😂


I like that description, warm but stoic.


----------



## RandomDude

Lila said:


> Maybe. I don't know TBH. I tend to gravitate towards warm but stoic men who give and receive physical affection outside of sexual situations.
> 
> @TXTrini, I'm not opposed to introverted men but in my experience, they are opposed to me. I do enjoy socializing and getting out, and I expect anyone I date to share somewhat in that part of my life.
> 
> My ex husband is an introvert and the one thing he would harp on was that my mind is usually moving at 1,000 miles a minute. By the time he'd actually respond to something I was saying, I was already on to something else. Actually, now that i think of it, I have overwhelmed or royally pissed off every introvert I have ever dated. 😂


I am an extreme introvert, yet people don't believe me. My work requires me to talk all day yet I hate everyone (present company in TAM excluded) and quite anti-social. If it wasn't for work I would be a caveman, and when I was younger once I was in such isolation I couldn't form a sentence properly when I returned to civilisation (hence why I took up a social career). But there is only so much you can do at home and alone, dining out, movies, activities, places, almost all of which I enjoy them with company.

As for talking non-stop, that's a good quality. Listening is socialising! I can socialise by keeping my mouth shut! This is why I always went for extroverts, not only do they do the talking for me when out with mates, they do the talking for me when we are together 

So don't rule out introverts lol

But damn I wonder what being in a relationship with an introvert would be like...


----------



## Lila

RandomDude said:


> I am an extreme introvert, yet people don't believe me. My work requires me to talk all day yet I hate everyone (present company in TAM excluded) and quite anti-social. If it wasn't for work I would be a caveman, and when I was younger once I was in such isolation I couldn't form a sentence properly when I returned to civilisation (hence why I took up a social career). But there is only so much you can do at home and alone, dining out, movies, activities, places, almost all of which I enjoy them with company.
> 
> As for talking non-stop, that's a good quality. Listening is socialising! I can socialise by keeping my mouth shut! This is why I always went for extroverts, not only do they do the talking for me when out with mates, they do the talking for me when we are together
> 
> So don't rule out introverts lol
> 
> But damn I wonder what being in a relationship with an introvert would be like...



Lol I didn't say I talk all of the time. I said my mind is running at 1,000 miles a minute. I very rarely share my thoughts unless I'm asked to. 

I will say this, I am a good conversationalist. The #1 compliment I get on dates is that I'm really easy to talk to. Probably because I listen and ask pertinent questions. I learned a long time ago that most people love nothing more than to talk about themselves. 😁. 

I haven't written off introverts but I will admit it's harder to date them because most introverts are solitary. I need attention and affection which requires spending time together.


----------



## Numb26

Lila said:


> Lol I didn't say I talk all of the time. I said my mind is running at 1,000 miles a minute. I very rarely share my thoughts unless I'm asked to.
> 
> I will say this, I am a good conversationalist. The #1 compliment I get on dates is that I'm really easy to talk to. Probably because I listen and ask pertinent questions. I learned a long time ago that most people love nothing more than to talk about themselves. 😁.
> 
> I haven't written off introverts but I will admit it's harder to date them because most introverts are solitary. I need attention and affection which requires spending time together.


I really don't like talking about myself and that sometimes seems to be an issue for some of my dates. LOL


----------



## Numb26

I wouldn't say that I am an introvert but I also am not known to word vomit on dates. I don't know what I would consider myself.


----------



## ConanHub

Lila said:


> Maybe. I don't know TBH. I tend to gravitate towards warm but stoic men who give and receive physical affection outside of sexual situations.
> 
> @TXTrini, I'm not opposed to introverted men but in my experience, they are opposed to me. I do enjoy socializing and getting out, and I expect anyone I date to share somewhat in that part of my life.
> 
> My ex husband is an introvert and the one thing he would harp on was that my mind is usually moving at 1,000 miles a minute. By the time he'd actually respond to something I was saying, I was already on to something else. Actually, now that i think of it, I have overwhelmed or royally pissed off every introvert I have ever dated. 😂


Your mind is like Mrs. Conan's. I've learned to just enjoy the ride.😉

On long trips, she has been a life saver.🙂


----------



## Lila

Numb26 said:


> I really don't like talking about myself and that sometimes seems to be an issue for some of my dates. LOL


Trust me. Unless you're completely anti social, I could get you to disclose information without realizing you're doing so. It's an art form 😉.


----------



## Lila

Numb26 said:


> I wouldn't say that I am an introvert but I also am not known to word vomit on dates. I don't know what I would consider myself.


As long as you're not purposefully holding back or trying to deceive, then just be you. But here's a hint.... If the conversation ever turns to superficial cotton candy stuff (fluff), call the date. It's over.


----------



## Numb26

Lila said:


> Trust me. Unless you're completely anti social, I could get you to disclose information without realizing you're doing so. It's an art form 😉.


Challenge accepted! 🤣🤣🤣


----------



## Numb26

Lila said:


> As long as you're not purposefully holding back or trying to deceive, then just be you. But here's a hint.... If the conversation ever turns to superficial cotton candy stuff (fluff), call the date. It's over.


Exactly 💯! There has to be at least some substance


----------



## RebuildingMe

Lila said:


> 😂 Do you ask and send sexually explicit pics within the first 5 minutes?
> 
> But you're right. I have certain deal breakers and you have one that I know of - young kids under 14. My other deal breakers involve general lifestyle choices and........cats (horrible allergies).


Who does that??!! Proper etiquette is 10 minutes at least. That guy was out of his mind! Part two, I’ll call you in 4 years, unless you have it bumped up to 18 by then?


----------



## Numb26

Lila said:


> 😂 Do you ask and send sexually explicit pics within the first 5 minutes?


Send bob and vagene pics!!


----------



## Lila

RebuildingMe said:


> Who does that??!! Proper etiquette is 10 minutes at least. That guy was out of his mind! Part two, I’ll call you in 4 years, unless you have it bumped up to 18 by then?


Yep. Which is exactly why I am wondering why I continued to date him. 🙄

And in 4 years I'll have moved the bar to "must live in retirement community" 😂😂😂


----------



## Lila

Numb26 said:


> Send bob and vagene pics!!


I think I know Bob but who is Vagene?


----------



## RebuildingMe

Lila said:


> I think I know Bob but who is Vagene?


Bob the builder. He builds things for little boys with tattoos to play with and apparently keep them occupied.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Closed on the house today! It’s not much, but it’s all mine! On the north shore of Long Island.


----------



## minimalME

Congratulations, @RebuildingMe! What an awesome house. 🤗


----------



## Lila

RebuildingMe said:


> Closed on the house today! It’s not much, but it’s all mine! On the north shore of Long Island.
> 
> View attachment 80979


So when do you get to move in? And Long Island????? Dayam


----------



## Lila

Numb26 said:


> Send bob and vagene pics!!


Okay i googled it. 🙄.


----------



## TXTrini

RandomDude said:


> I am an extreme introvert, yet people don't believe me. My work requires me to talk all day yet I hate everyone (present company in TAM excluded) and quite anti-social. If it wasn't for work I would be a caveman, and when I was younger once I was in such isolation I couldn't form a sentence properly when I returned to civilisation (hence why I took up a social career). But there is only so much you can do at home and alone, dining out, movies, activities, places, almost all of which I enjoy them with company.
> 
> As for talking non-stop, that's a good quality. Listening is socialising! I can socialise by keeping my mouth shut! This is why I always went for extroverts, not only do they do the talking for me when out with mates, they do the talking for me when we are together
> 
> So don't rule out introverts lol
> 
> But damn I wonder what being in a relationship with an introvert would be like...


You sound like me, except I can be a social butterfly when I need/want to be. My family laughed at me when I chose to study and work in the hospitality and travel industry but it was good for me. However, I'm fine living the hermit life, been living it over a decade and loved the pandemic lockdowns 😆. 

My bf and I are both INTJ, but very emotional and chatty with each other. He has a pretty dry sense of humor, mine is more scandalous or silly. It's always super fun to combine jokes and cuddles. He's not much of a talker, but is more social than I am. It's his first time dating someone so solitary, but he's ok with it because while I don't like being around others, I always love being with him. 

You'd think a double introvert relationship wouldn't work, but for me an introvert/extrovert relationship was extremely stressful and sometimes downright annoying. We're both OK with the other's need for space and silence, it's been really wonderful and easy so far. Looking forward to seeing how it develops.


----------



## TXTrini

RebuildingMe said:


> Closed on the house today! It’s not much, but it’s all mine! On the north shore of Long Island.
> 
> View attachment 80979


Yay! About time! Congrats!


----------



## heartsbeating

@RebuildingMe ...okay, yes get the beds and fridge and such set up and THEN Xmas tree  Very pleased for you that you get to move in before Xmas and wishing you all the best.


----------



## Numb26

Lila said:


> Okay i googled it. 🙄.


Sorry. Had too! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣


----------



## RebuildingMe

Lila said:


> So when do you get to move in? And Long Island????? Dayam


I’m moving in after I get cable and internet next week. I have two 10 year olds, heaven forbid they can’t go on their electronics!


----------



## RebuildingMe

TXTrini said:


> Yay! About time! Congrats!


Right? Months and months of delays. Attorneys suck!


----------



## RebuildingMe

heartsbeating said:


> @RebuildingMe ...okay, yes get the beds and fridge and such set up and THEN Xmas tree  Very pleased for you that you get to move in before Xmas and wishing you all the best.


Thank you! Yes, beds this weekend, tree next week. I have it all planned, and you know everything goes according to plan always


----------



## farsidejunky

Lila said:


> Yep. Which is exactly why I am wondering why I continued to date him.
> 
> And in 4 years I'll have moved the bar to "must live in retirement community"


One day, walker dates will be the best dates.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


----------



## RandomDude

TXTrini said:


> You sound like me, except I can be a social butterfly when I need/want to be. My family laughed at me when I chose to study and work in the hospitality and travel industry but it was good for me. However, I'm fine living the hermit life, been living it over a decade and loved the pandemic lockdowns 😆.
> 
> My bf and I are both INTJ, but very emotional and chatty with each other. He has a pretty dry sense of humor, mine is more scandalous or silly. It's always super fun to combine jokes and cuddles. He's not much of a talker, but is more social than I am. It's his first time dating someone so solitary, but he's ok with it because while I don't like being around others, I always love being with him.
> 
> You'd think a double introvert relationship wouldn't work, but for me an introvert/extrovert relationship was extremely stressful and sometimes downright annoying. We're both OK with the other's need for space and silence, it's been really wonderful and easy so far. Looking forward to seeing how it develops.


Same, I can function, be social and charming whenever I need to be - but it takes energy as I still hate people!


----------



## Lila

farsidejunky said:


> One day, walker dates will be the best dates.
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


Far, I'm looking forward to dating in The Villages where all anyone needs is a golf cart and a STD. 😂


----------



## TXTrini

RandomDude said:


> Same, I can function, be social and charming whenever I need to be - but it takes energy as I still hate people!


I totally get it! I have to psyche myself up to leave my house sometimes, especially when whatever I need to do involves smalltalk. It's not that I can't do it, I just find it incredibly shallow and a complete waste of time, worse if it involved drunk people who think they're being fun. 

So I have a question for fellow introverts... 
What are some date ideas you enjoyed?

My bf is trying to get me to go out more and wants to know what I'd like to do. It sounds pathetic, but I don't know. I've spent the last 15 years being far too practical and not having a lot of fun. We started dating right before the lockdowns. I've been super busy with school, he had his son every other weekend until a few months ago.

Basically, we have a lot more time for each other and he wants to do more together besides bonk 😆 Any ideas?


----------



## TXTrini

Lila said:


> Far, I'm looking forward to dating in The Villages where all anyone needs is a golf cart and a STD. 😂


Girl, I dunno, but it looks like those old folks have a lot of fun!


----------



## Lila

TXTrini said:


> Girl, I dunno, but it looks like those old folks have a lot of fun!


I'm trying to convince my parents to go live in one of those retirement communities. They do look like so much fun. 

I had a project at The Villages in Florida and learned all about it. It's actually considered its own little city. They have police that give golf cart drivers tickets for driving under the influence (of what I can't say), and no one bothers to pay them. Why? They could be dead tomorrow. It's all surreal.


----------



## Lila

I wasn't sure whether to post this but here goes because sharing is caring. It also gives you insight into my single life. 

I went on a much overdue date last night with someone I met online a while back but we could never get our schedules to sync. He texted me out of the blue Wednesday and we agreed to meet for dinner last night.

I arrived early and chose to sit at the bar while I waited on him. The seats were set up in twos with some space separating each set. Two seats were available - one between two young guys and one at the very end of the bar next to a late 40ish/ 50ish guy - my type. Before I could make the choice 40/50ish guy points to it to let me know it's available. Great! Dude starts the conversation almost immediately but he was definitely smooth. One of those "speak to the bartender and include me in the conversation" starters. We chatted for about 20 minutes like old friends. I'm thinking "hey, someone is hitting on me", and he's one of those quietly stoic guys (again my type)......then I notice his wedding ring 😂. FML.

P.S. Date was cool but it felt more like a night out chilling with a friend. He's attractive but it just didn't feel like there were Sparks. We both said we were interested in doing it again but not sure if he'll follow through.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

@Lila that’s why if I think a man is even slightly attractive, I seek out that left hand immediately!  I’m glad your date went well even if there weren’t sparks. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Lila

3Xnocharm said:


> @Lila that’s why if I think a man is even slightly attractive, I seek out that left hand immediately!  I’m glad your date went well even if there weren’t sparks.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


It was fun harmless flirting. I needed it especially after the last few days. When my date arrived, I said goodbye and wished him a pleasant evening. No harm, no foul.


----------



## RandomDude

TXTrini said:


> So I have a question for fellow introverts...
> What are some date ideas you enjoyed?


That's like asking a color blind person how many colors in a rainbow. I see shades of "tolerability".
Heh, another benefit of dating extroverts, they come up with the 'what to do outside' ideas themselves  

But kidding aside, I guess I enjoyed trying out new places to eat, trying out new activities. Main thing is the company really, just one of you has to just decide to go out. lol


----------



## TXTrini

RandomDude said:


> That's like asking a color blind person how many colors in a rainbow. I see shades of "tolerability".
> Heh, another benefit of dating extroverts, they come up with the 'what to do outside' ideas themselves
> 
> But kidding aside, I guess I enjoyed trying out new places to eat, trying out new activities. Main thing is the company really, just one of you has to just decide to go out. lol


Thanks, I'm trying to figure something for this weekend since I'm usually the one getting drug along 😆 .


----------



## heartsbeating

TXTrini said:


> Thanks, I'm trying to figure something for this weekend since I'm usually the one getting drug along 😆 .


I had a quick online search and there’s an event called ‘12 wines of Christmas wine walk’ …just an idea!


----------



## heartsbeating

Or how about ten-pin bowling?


----------



## heartsbeating

Sorry, just realized you intended ideas from other introverts. Oop!


----------



## joannacroc

I _may_ have had a glass of wine last night and created an online dating profile...did I make a big mistake?


----------



## RandomDude

I was about to post that asking introverts what they like to do when they go out is a guaranteed thread killer, at least for 2 days  



joannacroc said:


> I _may_ have had a glass of wine last night and created an online dating profile...did I make a big mistake?


Depends what you wrote on the profile


----------



## joannacroc

RandomDude said:


> I was about to post that asking introverts what they like to do when they go out is a guaranteed thread killer, at least for 2 days
> 
> 
> 
> Depends what you wrote on the profile


Objectively, nothing humiliating, but I am British. Not at ALL photogenic so there was no way that was gonna happen when entirely sober. Didn't ACTUALLY say "I spend almost my time with son (8) and labrador (2)" but heavily implied, so I guess it might attract people who are ok with that. That assumes people read profiles though...I don't know. I might take it down if it makes me cringe this hard in a few weeks.


----------



## Lila

joannacroc said:


> Objectively, nothing humiliating, but I am British. Not at ALL photogenic so there was no way that was gonna happen when entirely sober. Didn't ACTUALLY say "I spend almost my time with son (8) and labrador (2)" but heavily implied, so I guess it might attract people who are ok with that. That assumes people read profiles though...I don't know. I might take it down if it makes me cringe this hard in a few weeks.


@joannacroc at least wait until you've gotten a few creepy messages and/or the "hey sexy, you wanna ****?" introductions. 😜


----------



## joannacroc

Lila said:


> @joannacroc at least wait until you've gotten a few creepy messages and/or the "hey sexy, you wanna ****?" introductions. 😜


So far I am pleasantly surprised. No unsolicited eggplants. Or eggplants of any kind (even the actual vegetable). Just seemingly normal humans with varying degrees of mastery of the English language. I feel like I should be taking field notes, David Attenborough-style. "The 40s American male is an elusive creature..." More to follow. It IS quite striking how adamant people are that they don't want crazy. Lila, I think it was you who made the rather insightful comment that it is a bit of a red flag to read that, as it signals what they are usually attracted to...


----------



## Lila

joannacroc said:


> So far I am pleasantly surprised. No unsolicited eggplants. Or eggplants of any kind (even the actual vegetable). Just seemingly normal humans with varying degrees of mastery of the English language. I feel like I should be taking field notes, David Attenborough-style. "The 40s American male is an elusive creature..." More to follow. It IS quite striking how adamant people are that they don't want crazy. Lila, I think it was you who made the rather insightful comment that it is a bit of a red flag to read that, as it signals what they are usually attracted to...


Yes ma'am. If they have anything in their profile about not wanting Drama or crazies, or they mention it in any messages or conversations, RUN! They attract crazy because they like it. Crazy is FUN!…............ Until it's not. 

You mentioned one other red flag - mastery of the English language. Beware of scammers. These are profiles that are typically, but not always, too good to be true. The profile is really well written with great photographs but when you start messaging, it's obvious English is not their language.


----------



## m.t.t

Lila said:


> Lol I didn't say I talk all of the time. I said my mind is running at 1,000 miles a minute. I very rarely share my thoughts unless I'm asked to.
> 
> I will say this, I am a good conversationalist. The #1 compliment I get on dates is that I'm really easy to talk to. Probably because I listen and ask pertinent questions. I learned a long time ago that most people love nothing more than to talk about themselves. 😁.
> 
> *I haven't written off introverts but I will admit it's harder to date them because most introverts are solitary. I need attention and affection which requires spending time together.*


I believe if its the right matching the introvert will feel like they don't need time away from you. It's other people that will exhaust them. Coming from an extreme introvert but withextroverted sociall abilities.


----------



## m.t.t

TXTrini said:


> I totally get it! I have to psyche myself up to leave my house sometimes, especially when whatever I need to do involves smalltalk. It's not that I can't do it, I just find it incredibly shallow and a complete waste of time, worse if it involved drunk people who think they're being fun.
> 
> So I have a question for fellow introverts...
> What are some date ideas you enjoyed?
> 
> My bf is trying to get me to go out more and wants to know what I'd like to do. It sounds pathetic, but I don't know. I've spent the last 15 years being far too practical and not having a lot of fun. We started dating right before the lockdowns. I've been super busy with school, he had his son every other weekend until a few months ago.
> 
> Basically, we have a lot more time for each other and he wants to do more together besides bonk 😆 Any ideas?


I'm an introvert dating a more extreme introvert -
gallery, second hand bookshop, botanical gardens picnic (though it might be too cold for that there) city exploring, quiet restaurant where the food is amazing.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

m.t.t said:


> I believe if its the right matching the introvert will feel like they don't need time away from you. It's other people that will exhaust them. Coming from an extreme introvert but withextroverted sociall abilities.


I think there's all grades and degrees of introvert on a scale. I had very introverted habits when younger, but at times and as I'm older, I'm very extroverted. But all these times, I still need more "alone" time than people time. I don't think there are very many people who want to be with someone ALL the time. Don't even think that's a good idea either.


----------



## Hopeful Cynic

RandomDude said:


> I was about to post that asking introverts what they like to do when they go out is a guaranteed thread killer, at least for 2 days


As an introvert, I like activities that come with built-in conversation potential.

Like going to a play or show you can talk about afterwards, or going to some sort of display, like an art gallery or a museum, where you can talk about the objects/art you saw. These are also events with other people around whom you don't have to interact with, which creates a sense of safety, in a way that going hiking or something similar does not.

Unlike going out to dinner, you don't have to struggle through an interview type of conversation about yourself.

If you find the person fascinating, you can have dinner afterwards, and if not, you can just say bye.

If the person isn't willing to even do something like this, that weeds out a lot of unsuitable people too!


----------



## TXTrini

heartsbeating said:


> I had a quick online search and there’s an event called ‘12 wines of Christmas wine walk’ …just an idea!


Neither of us drink 😆, just a beer here and there, though he likes Margaritas and I like scotch. 


heartsbeating said:


> Or how about ten-pin bowling?


Girl, I need stuff that preferably don't involve potentially dangerous stuff. I went bowling once, I pelted the ball across a few lanes. Thanks for the suggestions!


m.t.t said:


> I'm an introvert dating a more extreme introvert -
> gallery, second hand bookshop, botanical gardens picnic (though it might be too cold for that there) city exploring, quiet restaurant where the food is amazing.


I'm the extreme introvert in our dynamic. Those sound great, thank you! We were going to do just that, but I had a bit of fever yesterday 😞[/QUOTE]


----------



## TXTrini

Hopeful Cynic said:


> As an introvert, I like activities that come with built-in conversation potential.
> 
> Like going to a play or show you can talk about afterwards, or going to some sort of display, like an art gallery or a museum, where you can talk about the objects/art you saw. These are also events with other people around whom you don't have to interact with, which creates a sense of safety, in a way that going hiking or something similar does not.
> 
> Unlike going out to dinner, you don't have to struggle through an interview type of conversation about yourself.
> 
> If you find the person fascinating, you can have dinner afterwards, and if not, you can just say bye.
> 
> If the person isn't willing to even do something like this, that weeds out a lot of unsuitable people too!


This sounds exactly how my bf and my first date went, perfect! 

We met at a museum, walked it, and through nearby botanical gardens, then went to dinner. A total of about 8-9 hrs!

Pity we don't have any museums closeby. We did go to a minerals and fossil expo we both loved recently. That's the kind of thing we both like.


----------



## m.t.t

DownByTheRiver said:


> I think there's all grades and degrees of introvert on a scale. I had very introverted habits when younger, but at times and as I'm older, I'm very extroverted. But all these times, I still need more "alone" time than people time. *I don't think there are very many people who want to be with someone ALL the time. Don't even think that's a good idea either.*


oh god no! I didn't mean that at all! I almost pulled out the brown paper bags to breath into thinking about being constantly with someone ALL THE TIME, ... Just meant if you are with the right person then being quiet together eg both reading in the same room feels relaxing rather than feeling that someone's energy is in your space.


----------



## m.t.t

TXTrini said:


> Neither of us drink 😆, just a beer here and there, though he likes Margaritas and I like scotch.
> 
> Girl, I need stuff that preferably don't involve potentially dangerous stuff. I went bowling once, I pelted the ball across a few lanes. Thanks for the suggestions!
> 
> I'm the extreme introvert in our dynamic. Those sound great, thank you! We were going to do just that, but I had a bit of fever yesterday 😞


[/QUOTE]
I like the idea of each buying a book and finding somewhere to read alongside one another on a picnic rug. feet touching if inclined 

(the person I'm dating is bringing out the romantic in me)


----------



## m.t.t

ok what would you think in this scenario.

my girlfriend tells me she is going to fly interstate for a work breakup. All good, the days she is gone seem a bit vague but they don't mess with when we see one another so no big deal but I do notice. I ask her the day before what time is her flight, .... I sense something isn't right when she doesn't text me that she is at the airport etc No photos etc.I text her later she texts me back that she is at the hotel and just drinking from the mini bar. Just got there. Tells me she wishes that I was with her. So I suggest video call. She turns me down tells me that she has some work to do.

My gut has been telling me something isn't right, Even people that have been on one date will send me a airport photo. I have this feeling that she isnt where she said she is.
.......

Her call interrupted me writing this out. So on the call she sounded bad. She has very bad anxiety. She didn't tell me at first but it turns out she is afraid of flying. Turns out that she didn't go to the airport, couldn't get there as she is vomiting etc from the fear. Her telling me that she is at the hotel drinking from the mini bar was not true. She is still at home. I told her I just felt that she wasn't where she said she was. She told me that she is so ashamed of her anxiety she lied to me and was going to to try and drive and not tell me.

I'm so upset that she would lie to me. I said that I want to help her and I'm going to, but I don't know how do I have a relationship with someone that would rather pretend they were somewhere than tell me that they have freaked out and didn't go to the airport? Things have been so amazing between us too. Her anxiety is a concern but her lying to me has really shaken me. I feel that she was afraid that I would break up with her because in her eye the anxiety is ridiculous but it's the lie via text hat I'm really having an issue with.


----------



## Cindywife

joannacroc said:


> "The 40s American male is an elusive creature..." More to follow. It IS quite striking how adamant people are that they don't want crazy. Lila, I think it was you who made the rather insightful comment that it is a bit of a red flag to read that, as it signals what they are usually attracted to...


My mom is actually doing OLD so I was looking at this thread to see if I can give her any info. My mom is totally crazy with lots of drama so I don't know if she's going to find anyone (she's in her 70's.)

That being said if my husband left me I wouldn't be datable. I'm pretty sure I'm crazy. 💗 But I can't stand drama.


----------



## Livvie

m.t.t said:


> ok what would you think in this scenario.
> 
> my girlfriend tells me she is going to fly interstate for a work breakup. All good, the days she is gone seem a bit vague but they don't mess with when we see one another so no big deal but I do notice. I ask her the day before what time is her flight, .... I sense something isn't right when she doesn't text me that she is at the airport etc No photos etc.I text her later she texts me back that she is at the hotel and just drinking from the mini bar. Just got there. Tells me she wishes that I was with her. So I suggest video call. She turns me down tells me that she has some work to do.
> 
> My gut has been telling me something isn't right, Even people that have been on one date will send me a airport photo. I have this feeling that she isnt where she said she is.
> .......
> 
> Her call interrupted me writing this out. So on the call she sounded bad. She has very bad anxiety. She didn't tell me at first but it turns out she is afraid of flying. Turns out that she didn't go to the airport, couldn't get there as she is vomiting etc from the fear. Her telling me that she is at the hotel drinking from the mini bar was not true. She is still at home. I told her I just felt that she wasn't where she said she was. She told me that she is so ashamed of her anxiety she lied to me and was going to to try and drive and not tell me.
> 
> I'm so upset that she would lie to me. I said that I want to help her and I'm going to, but I don't know how do I have a relationship with someone that would rather pretend they were somewhere than tell me that they have freaked out and didn't go to the airport? Things have been so amazing between us too. Her anxiety is a concern but her lying to me has really shaken me. I feel that she was afraid that I would break up with her because in her eye the anxiety is ridiculous but it's the lie via text hat I'm really having an issue with.


I've thought for awhile that this is going to be one you should maybe walk away from. There seem to be a lot of little things that add up to a lot if you take them all together. 

It's okay for someone to not be the right one even if there are some good points to the relationship.


----------



## Openminded

m.t.t said:


> Her call interrupted me writing this out. So on the call she sounded bad. She has very bad anxiety. She didn't tell me at first but it turns out she is afraid of flying. Turns out that she didn't go to the airport, couldn't get there as she is vomiting etc from the fear. Her telling me that she is at the hotel drinking from the mini bar was not true. She is still at home. I told her I just felt that she wasn't where she said she was. She told me that she is so ashamed of her anxiety she lied to me and was going to try to drive and not tell me.
> 
> I'm so upset that she would lie to me. I said that I want to help her and I'm going to, but I don't know how do I have a relationship with someone that would rather pretend they were somewhere than tell me that they have freaked out and didn't go to the airport? Things have been so amazing between us too. Her anxiety is a concern but her lying to me has really shaken me. I feel that she was afraid that I would break up with her because in her eye the anxiety is ridiculous but it's the lie via text hat I'm really having an issue with.


It’s often the coverup that’s the problem and not what the coverup is about. I was in a relationship where lies began popping up now and then and I ended it. After a long marriage where lies played a big role, I have zero tolerance for that. Lies obviously make it very difficult to trust.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

TXTrini said:


> This sounds exactly how my bf and my first date went, perfect!
> 
> We met at a museum, walked it, and through nearby botanical gardens, then went to dinner. A total of about 8-9 hrs!
> 
> Pity we don't have any museums closeby. We did go to a minerals and fossil expo we both loved recently. That's the kind of thing we both like.


I love gem shows! Watch your local natural history museum and get on their mailing list because once in a blue moon, they will clear out some fossils and stuff and invite the public. I actually missed ours when it happened. Must have been working.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

m.t.t said:


> oh god no! I didn't mean that at all! I almost pulled out the brown paper bags to breath into thinking about being constantly with someone ALL THE TIME, ... Just meant if you are with the right person then being quiet together eg both reading in the same room feels relaxing rather than feeling that someone's energy is in your space.


Yes. You know right away if it's not a match because even riding in the car together can be awkward. I'm not an easy person to just be quiet and relax with, which is ironic, because being kind of quiet and relaxing is generally what I do when at home with just my dog.


----------



## TXTrini

m.t.t said:


> ok what would you think in this scenario.
> 
> my girlfriend tells me she is going to fly interstate for a work breakup. All good, the days she is gone seem a bit vague but they don't mess with when we see one another so no big deal but I do notice. I ask her the day before what time is her flight, .... I sense something isn't right when she doesn't text me that she is at the airport etc No photos etc.I text her later she texts me back that she is at the hotel and just drinking from the mini bar. Just got there. Tells me she wishes that I was with her. So I suggest video call. She turns me down tells me that she has some work to do.
> 
> My gut has been telling me something isn't right, Even people that have been on one date will send me a airport photo. I have this feeling that she isnt where she said she is.
> .......
> 
> Her call interrupted me writing this out. So on the call she sounded bad. She has very bad anxiety. She didn't tell me at first but it turns out she is afraid of flying. Turns out that she didn't go to the airport, couldn't get there as she is vomiting etc from the fear. Her telling me that she is at the hotel drinking from the mini bar was not true. She is still at home. I told her I just felt that she wasn't where she said she was. She told me that she is so ashamed of her anxiety she lied to me and was going to to try and drive and not tell me.
> 
> I'm so upset that she would lie to me. I said that I want to help her and I'm going to, but I don't know how do I have a relationship with someone that would rather pretend they were somewhere than tell me that they have freaked out and didn't go to the airport? Things have been so amazing between us too. Her anxiety is a concern but her lying to me has really shaken me. I feel that she was afraid that I would break up with her because in her eye the anxiety is ridiculous but it's the lie via text hat I'm really having an issue with.


I would be upset with the lies too. Especially since she's so gung-ho to move in already, but too ashamed to tell the truth. I have to agree with the others, this doesn't sound encouraging, I'd wonder what else she was lying about or covering up, it would be a deal breaker for me. What are you going to do about it all, m.t.t.?


----------



## TXTrini

DownByTheRiver said:


> I love gem shows! Watch your local natural history museum and get on their mailing list because once in a blue moon, they will clear out some fossils and stuff and invite the public. I actually missed ours when it happened. Must have been working.


There was a vendor with these beautifully intricately carved little animals! It was all I could do not to buy anything! It was actually a yearly event that was hosted in nearby small-town community center this year. He's a trained geologist, so he keeps up with stuff like that. It's more of a hobby to me, I always loved minerals and have a small collection of semi precious stones in various forms (including jewelry).

One of the vendors I talked to gave me a brochure for another show in April next year at my bfs town. Supposedly, they'll have full dinosaurs and huge exhibits, the guy told us there were hundred thousand dollar plus auctions. We're definitely going, it's already on my calender.


----------



## m.t.t

I don't know. she is sleeping I'm making her a coffee and working out how to help her either pull out or get on a plane. She has not told me about flying because we are planning a big trip together and she wants to go but didnt know how to tell me of the phobia as she feared it might be a deal breaker.


----------



## Openminded

So do you think that this a one-time thing or is it possible every time she thinks something might be a deal breaker for you that she may lie? If the latter is the case, and this issue of hers isn’t resolved, you’ll get to the point that you hesitate to believe anything she says.


----------



## RandomDude

@m.t.t 

So because she was scared that her phobia was a dealbreaker she decided to reveal another potential dealbreaker which is lying? Honestly her reasoning is half-forgivable as it's the first time and you can use this as an example of why not to lie for the future. 2nd time - out.

If no planes, take a cruise.

But remember to watch this before hand! :


----------



## RandomDude

TXTrini said:


> This sounds exactly how my bf and my first date went, perfect!
> We met at a museum, walked it, and through nearby botanical gardens, then went to dinner. A total of about 8-9 hrs!
> Pity we don't have any museums closeby. We did go to a minerals and fossil expo we both loved recently. That's the kind of thing we both like.


Went to a museum before with my ex, was wondering how half the pieces there are considered art.
Painted sh-t on a plastic bag, it's art. Dried up people's cum and made slabs of it everywhere, it's art.

Like WTF, meh...



m.t.t said:


> oh god no! I didn't mean that at all! I almost pulled out the brown paper bags to breath into thinking about being constantly with someone ALL THE TIME, ... *Just meant if you are with the right person then being quiet together eg both reading in the same room feels relaxing rather than feeling that someone's energy is in your space.*


Yeah 
I hope I find that again someday, even a best friend.


----------



## RandomDude

TXTrini said:


> There was a vendor with these beautifully intricately carved little animals! It was all I could do not to buy anything! It was actually a yearly event that was hosted in nearby small-town community center this year. He's a trained geologist, so he keeps up with stuff like that. It's more of a hobby to me, I always loved minerals and have a small collection of semi precious stones in various forms (including jewelry).
> 
> One of the vendors I talked to gave me a brochure for another show in April next year at my bfs town. Supposedly, they'll have full dinosaurs and huge exhibits, the guy told us there were hundred thousand dollar plus auctions. We're definitely going, it's already on my calender.


Good to know you share interests.
Don't see the appeal myself, because like, erm rocks. Now if I was digging up dinosaurs or lost relics (paleontology / archaeology) then ok, cause I like history and barney 

I do wonder though, because extros have a generally shorter attention span, can they really get into deep worlds and lore? Like for instance, the movie Dune that came out had a ton of lore that indulge the curious and imaginative, and other worlds like that, extros would only really scratch the surface before moving to something else while I would dig up the details of life in that world, same as historical eras. It's my thing.

I wonder if this is a solely introvert thing - and if it is, I'm slapping on my profile introverts only! To try...
Still I am rather content with how things are going with my crutch for now...


----------



## DownByTheRiver

TXTrini said:


> There was a vendor with these beautifully intricately carved little animals! It was all I could do not to buy anything! It was actually a yearly event that was hosted in nearby small-town community center this year. He's a trained geologist, so he keeps up with stuff like that. It's more of a hobby to me, I always loved minerals and have a small collection of semi precious stones in various forms (including jewelry).
> 
> One of the vendors I talked to gave me a brochure for another show in April next year at my bfs town. Supposedly, they'll have full dinosaurs and huge exhibits, the guy told us there were hundred thousand dollar plus auctions. We're definitely going, it's already on my calender.


That will be fun! 
I am not actively doing it anymore, but here's a photo of some of my collection. I'll try to post one of my favorite ones from the PC. 

I also own a couple of stromatolites. Those are literally anaerobic primordial ooze that most resembles something like petrified cow dung. It was before the Earth had oxygen. They are thought to be clusters of some bacteria and eventually that bacteria began producing oxygen, and once they began producing oxygen, then they killed themselves off but allowed other organisms to emerge. They are the oldest fossils. 

I have a particular love for ammonites which are local to this region.


----------



## TXTrini

RandomDude said:


> Went to a museum before with my ex, was wondering how half the pieces there are considered art.
> Painted sh-t on a plastic bag, it's art. Dried up people's cum and made slabs of it everywhere, it's art.
> 
> Like WTF, meh...
> 
> Yeah
> I hope I find that again someday, even a best friend.


We went to the museum of natural history, I'm a Philistine, I don't appreciate or get most modern art 😅 

You know, I thought it wasn't possible for me either. I thought I wasn't fun enough for anyone to want me... everyone OLD talks about all kinds of interests and events that didn't particularly interest me. I started dating with no expectations of a relationship, bc quite honestly I wasn't ready to be in one and expected it to be a long time before I met someone who knocked my socks off. I did it bc I knew if I didn't right then, I never would, I'm a very solitary person with no need to socialize much. 

Anyway, this quiet, unassuming dude with a wicked sense of humor and great banter showed up and changed my view in an instant. We were both totally smitten and decided to be exclusive after our first date. I'm so glad he was fine taking things slow, since my divorce was very new, otherwise I'd have had to pass up what's becoming something really great.. 



RandomDude said:


> Good to know you share interests.
> Don't see the appeal myself, because like, erm rocks. Now if I was digging up dinosaurs or lost relics (paleontology / archaeology) then ok, cause I like history and barney
> 
> I do wonder though, because extros have a generally shorter attention span, can they really get into deep worlds and lore? Like for instance, the movie Dune that came out had a ton of lore that indulge the curious and imaginative, and other worlds like that, extros would only really scratch the surface before moving to something else while I would dig up the details of life in that world, same as historical eras. It's my thing.
> 
> I wonder if this is a solely introvert thing - and if it is, I'm slapping on my profile introverts only! To try...
> Still I am rather content with how things are going with my crutch for now...


😆 They're pretty! I love everyday home decor and implements made of natural materials, it's much warmer and substantial than man-made materials. We both love to know everything about whatever catches our interest, all the gory details, like you mentioned. I wasn't up for going out this weekend, so he found us a movie that totally appealed to my love of details... based on the Oxford dictionary of all things! 😆 ("The professor and the madman" if anyone's curious).


----------



## TXTrini

DownByTheRiver said:


> That will be fun!
> I am not actively doing it anymore, but here's a photo of some of my collection. I'll try to post one of my favorite ones from the PC.
> 
> I also own a couple of stromatolites. Those are literally anaerobic primordial ooze that most resembles something like petrified cow dung. It was before the Earth had oxygen. They are thought to be clusters of some bacteria and eventually that bacteria began producing oxygen, and once they began producing oxygen, then they killed themselves off but allowed other organisms to emerge. They are the oldest fossils.
> 
> I have a particular love for ammonites which are local to this region.
> View attachment 81099


Thank you for sharing, that's a beautifully displayed collection! My collection is mostly jewelry, but I do have some agate and mahogany coasters, bookends, candleholder, paperweights.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

@TXTrini , other favorites of mine are this Kunzite, below. Love the color. 
And I like ocean jasper and cavansite. Ocean jasper only comes from Madagascar under the water and can only be mined at low tide. I have one sliced piece, where you can see the many colors and places that are see-through as well as solid, and I have one big solid uncut piece. It doesn't come very large.

Cavansite is just cute little pea-sized blue cluster on a foundation rock and used to only be known to come from India but they recently found it in Oregon! Despite that, the price has gone up a lot since I bought mine 15 or so years ago. 

I forgot about the couple in my living room but charging my phone so can't take a photo. I have one oblong rock that's tan but lots of color in it that then has horizontal veins of chrysocolla that is so pretty. 

My Kunzite piece. I made this my PC screen saver because it's so placid.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

TXTrini said:


> Thank you for sharing, that's a beautifully displayed collection! My collection is mostly jewelry, but I do have some agate and mahogany coasters, bookends, candleholder, paperweights.


I mostly stuck with the raw stuff, but I did buy one ametrine/amethyst cut gem at a rock show one year. I had it put into a necklace, but it broke. The cutter cut a kind of starburst on the backside and it looks pretty when lit well. I love all that stuff. Agate is so pretty!

I absolutely can't go to the shows without buying something. I used to go and come back with stuff they had outside, like a bitg Oklahoma sandstone rock I put in my yard. Hah. They look so pretty when they're wet. All rocks look better wet.


----------



## heartsbeating

m.t.t said:


> I don't know. she is sleeping I'm making her a coffee and working out how to help her either pull out or get on a plane. She has not told me about flying because we are planning a big trip together and she wants to go but didnt know how to tell me of the phobia as she feared it might be a deal breaker.


The lying isn't great, obviously. Yet it makes me wonder if her anxiety has impacted her life in such a way that this is how she has learned best to deal with it (lying) in relation to others. I think some kudos needs to be given that it was shortly after, which I infer, that she told you the truth. It takes time to build trust and this may have been significant for her to be honest about it with you, regardless of how you might react. I'd personally consider expressing that lying has no place in your relationship and chalking this one up to a learning curve could be the way to go. However... I'd now be more interested to know how anxiety impacts her and what she does about it. Whether this is a phobia that relates to air travel, and if it always has, or if it relates to pandemic times, and/or if it plays out in other aspects as general anxiety that you may have so far been unaware of. This would be significant to me. And if the anxiety arises unique to travel, that would be something to consider if air travel is important to you.

As for pulling out of the trip with work (if she doesn't make it), if she has a good rapport with her manager, I'd suggest being honest. I'd hope that she doesn't have a job that expects her to travel (pre-pandemic thinking) frequently for work if this is an ongoing challenge for her. I had a member in my team who lives with general anxiety. She was brilliant at her job, and was upfront about how her anxiety can impact her, along with how she manages it. While she didn't need to tell me, she trusted me, and it made things much easier for both of us to navigate our working relationship in terms of what we both needed. The times that she expressed needing support in relation to her anxiety was few and far between, yet her honesty helped me to support her with reasonable adjustments.

Personally, I would want to know more about the anxiety and how this manifests in her daily life, and how she manages it, as this will impact you; and so I think you need to understand this to know whether it's something you can navigate with her or not.


----------



## Affaircare

TXTrini said:


> I totally get it! I have to psyche myself up to leave my house sometimes, especially when whatever I need to do involves smalltalk. It's not that I can't do it, I just find it incredibly shallow and a complete waste of time, worse if it involved drunk people who think they're being fun.
> 
> So I have a question for fellow introverts...
> What are some date ideas you enjoyed?
> 
> My bf is trying to get me to go out more and wants to know what I'd like to do. It sounds pathetic, but I don't know. I've spent the last 15 years being far too practical and not having a lot of fun. We started dating right before the lockdowns. I've been super busy with school, he had his son every other weekend until a few months ago.
> 
> Basically, we have a lot more time for each other and he wants to do more together besides bonk 😆 Any ideas?


@Emerging Buddhist and I are both introverts -- or what I'd consider "ambiverts" (introverts with a little extrovert style). Anyway, when we date, we don't always "go out" and when we do "go out" we don't go to a place with a bunch of other people. Here are some recent examples:

Pizza Movie Night -- at home, we make individual homemade pizzas and pick a movie we want to watch. 

Game Night -- we each play an online game, and on Game Night he plays his game and I play mine and we sit next to each other and tell each other about our victories and amazing saves. 

Hiking, Walking, etc. -- we do a 5k together, take a "flower hike" together, do a walking meditation walk, or just generally walk in some way that has a goal (such as reaching the top of the waterfall). 

Museums -- We go to TONS of museums, from history museums to specific ones like a rodeo museum or the Billy Mitchell museum. You'd be surprised, almost every little town has some sort of museum, and the smaller museums are usually the fun ones. 

Interpretive Centers -- We also go to TONS of what are essentially interpretive centers, and they are everywhere. We go see the geological history of the area, where the lava fields are, how the native people lived in our area, the national park center, etc. All of that is FASCINATING. 

Go out playing with each other -- We just plain DO things together. We go cross-country skiing. We go snowshoeing. We go to the gun club and target practice. We go riding around on the ATV. We take rides into the mountains to look at scenery. We ride the motorcycle and recently switched from "touring" (which moreso on the road) to adventuring (which is moreso OFF the road). We hunt ghost towns. We look up the history of the ghost town once we've found the ghost town! LOL We dance in the kitchen. We walk downtown in the lights. We go ALL OVER our state and look at whatever (mountains, parks, water, etc.). We go to fairs. We go to rodeos. We just plain DO things together.


----------



## heartsbeating

Sometimes I feel like extroverts get a bad wrap around here! The mention of activities are also things that myself and Batman enjoy doing, too. Despite not being typically introverted. Maybe I'm just being a confused extrovert.


----------



## heartsbeating

m.t.t said:


> My gut has been telling me something isn't right


...and keep following that.


----------



## ccpowerslave

My wife likes colored gemstones. Her favorite one she actually wears daily I never heard of it, it’s called benitoite as seen here https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Benitoite

It is the state gemstone and is really just from here and has been mined out. As such larger gem quality crystals are extremely expensive. I forgot how much her matched pair was per carat but it was up there with other really expensive gemstones and much harder to find.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

Affaircare said:


> @Emerging Buddhist and I are both introverts -- or what I'd consider "ambiverts" (introverts with a little extrovert style). Anyway, when we date, we don't always "go out" and when we do "go out" we don't go to a place with a bunch of other people. Here are some recent examples:
> 
> Pizza Movie Night -- at home, we make individual homemade pizzas and pick a movie we want to watch.
> 
> Game Night -- we each play an online game, and on Game Night he plays his game and I play mine and we sit next to each other and tell each other about our victories and amazing saves.
> 
> Hiking, Walking, etc. -- we do a 5k together, take a "flower hike" together, do a walking meditation walk, or just generally walk in some way that has a goal (such as reaching the top of the waterfall).
> 
> Museums -- We go to TONS of museums, from history museums to specific ones like a rodeo museum or the Billy Mitchell museum. You'd be surprised, almost every little town has some sort of museum, and the smaller museums are usually the fun ones.
> 
> Interpretive Centers -- We also go to TONS of what are essentially interpretive centers, and they are everywhere. We go see the geological history of the area, where the lava fields are, how the native people lived in our area, the national park center, etc. All of that is FASCINATING.
> 
> Go out playing with each other -- We just plain DO things together. We go cross-country skiing. We go snowshoeing. We go to the gun club and target practice. We go riding around on the ATV. We take rides into the mountains to look at scenery. We ride the motorcycle and recently switched from "touring" (which moreso on the road) to adventuring (which is moreso OFF the road). We hunt ghost towns. We look up the history of the ghost town once we've found the ghost town! LOL We dance in the kitchen. We walk downtown in the lights. We go ALL OVER our state and look at whatever (mountains, parks, water, etc.). We go to fairs. We go to rodeos. We just plain DO things together.


I have only been to one verified ghost town, but in Texas and Oklahoma, all you have to do is get off the beaten path. There are some I wish I was spry enough to just go to where there are known remnants of the Old West. There is one close to where I visit a doctor in Oklahoma, but I'm a bit afraid to just drive out in the middle of nowhere in my old car and guess there's no one there to point the way anyway and of course, not much left. 

Growing up in Oklahoma, I stumbled upon a couple of old root cellars just near where I lived and right nextdoor was an old ruin of some type that had rock pillars by the road and a drive in between them that went to what just seemed like maybe a fallen old chicken coup, but I know something had to be there to live in at one time. I was always curious about it. I mean, you wouldn't make rock pillars to go to a chicken coup. Our house adjoined that and my room was haunted.


----------



## joannacroc

m.t.t said:


> ok what would you think in this scenario.
> 
> my girlfriend tells me she is going to fly interstate for a work breakup. All good, the days she is gone seem a bit vague but they don't mess with when we see one another so no big deal but I do notice. I ask her the day before what time is her flight, .... I sense something isn't right when she doesn't text me that she is at the airport etc No photos etc.I text her later she texts me back that she is at the hotel and just drinking from the mini bar. Just got there. Tells me she wishes that I was with her. So I suggest video call. She turns me down tells me that she has some work to do.
> 
> My gut has been telling me something isn't right, Even people that have been on one date will send me a airport photo. I have this feeling that she isnt where she said she is.
> .......
> 
> Her call interrupted me writing this out. So on the call she sounded bad. She has very bad anxiety. She didn't tell me at first but it turns out she is afraid of flying. Turns out that she didn't go to the airport, couldn't get there as she is vomiting etc from the fear. Her telling me that she is at the hotel drinking from the mini bar was not true. She is still at home. I told her I just felt that she wasn't where she said she was. She told me that she is so ashamed of her anxiety she lied to me and was going to to try and drive and not tell me.
> 
> I'm so upset that she would lie to me. I said that I want to help her and I'm going to, but I don't know how do I have a relationship with someone that would rather pretend they were somewhere than tell me that they have freaked out and didn't go to the airport? Things have been so amazing between us too. Her anxiety is a concern but her lying to me has really shaken me. I feel that she was afraid that I would break up with her because in her eye the anxiety is ridiculous but it's the lie via text hat I'm really having an issue with.


Once someone is willing to lie to you, it does make you wonder what other things that they aren't proud of they haven't told you yet...or could potentially lie to you about in the future. Granted everyone tells little white lies from time to time, but this is not her telling you that she loves those new trousers. This is a lie about where she is...and why.


----------



## heartsbeating

joannacroc said:


> Once someone is willing to lie to you, it does make you wonder what other things that they aren't proud of they haven't told you yet...or could potentially lie to you about in the future. Granted everyone tells little white lies from time to time, but this is not her telling you that she loves those new trousers. This is a lie about where she is...and why.


I agree with this too.


----------



## ccpowerslave

joannacroc said:


> …but this is not her telling you that she loves those new trousers.


If my wife lied about pants I would be upset 😉

Having a fear of flying that strong is unusual I think. I’m sure it would be pretty embarrassing.

I used to work with a guy who didn’t like it and it made him physically sick. Of course he eventually had to go on a business trip. We tried to make him feel better by ruthlessly teasing him and asking every time there was turbulence if that was the engine blowing.

If she has friends like that it might explain why she is not eager to reveal this. It’s also irrational, which isn’t the best look.

I’d think she’d already be in trouble for bailing with her employer, so something doesn’t check out.


----------



## RandomDude

DownByTheRiver said:


> That will be fun!
> I am not actively doing it anymore, but here's a photo of some of my collection. I'll try to post one of my favorite ones from the PC.
> 
> I also own a couple of stromatolites. Those are literally anaerobic primordial ooze that most resembles something like petrified cow dung. It was before the Earth had oxygen. They are thought to be clusters of some bacteria and eventually that bacteria began producing oxygen, and once they began producing oxygen, then they killed themselves off but allowed other organisms to emerge. They are the oldest fossils.
> 
> I have a particular love for ammonites which are local to this region.
> View attachment 81099


Everyone, pull the finger with your left hand. What do you see?


----------



## TXTrini

Affaircare said:


> @Emerging Buddhist and I are both introverts -- or what I'd consider "ambiverts" (introverts with a little extrovert style). Anyway, when we date, we don't always "go out" and when we do "go out" we don't go to a place with a bunch of other people. Here are some recent examples:
> 
> Pizza Movie Night -- at home, we make individual homemade pizzas and pick a movie we want to watch.
> 
> Game Night -- we each play an online game, and on Game Night he plays his game and I play mine and we sit next to each other and tell each other about our victories and amazing saves.
> 
> Hiking, Walking, etc. -- we do a 5k together, take a "flower hike" together, do a walking meditation walk, or just generally walk in some way that has a goal (such as reaching the top of the waterfall).
> 
> Museums -- We go to TONS of museums, from history museums to specific ones like a rodeo museum or the Billy Mitchell museum. You'd be surprised, almost every little town has some sort of museum, and the smaller museums are usually the fun ones.
> 
> Interpretive Centers -- We also go to TONS of what are essentially interpretive centers, and they are everywhere. We go see the geological history of the area, where the lava fields are, how the native people lived in our area, the national park center, etc. All of that is FASCINATING.
> 
> Go out playing with each other -- We just plain DO things together. We go cross-country skiing. We go snowshoeing. We go to the gun club and target practice. We go riding around on the ATV. We take rides into the mountains to look at scenery. We ride the motorcycle and recently switched from "touring" (which moreso on the road) to adventuring (which is moreso OFF the road). We hunt ghost towns. We look up the history of the ghost town once we've found the ghost town! LOL We dance in the kitchen. We walk downtown in the lights. We go ALL OVER our state and look at whatever (mountains, parks, water, etc.). We go to fairs. We go to rodeos. We just plain DO things together.


Thanks so much for the ideas, AC! 

I live in a small town with supposedly legit ghost tours, so we'll check that out, plus we've got a Farmer's market in the town center. Since we've discovered we work great in the kitchen together, I thought it might be fun to do something together from start to finish. 

Not necessarily cooking, I make soap, lip balms, hair oils, etc. I thought maybe we could do hair oils including a beard oil for him (his beard gets pokey 😆 ). I gave him some essential oil blends to help him destress and he got really into it, since it's helped him to sleep (he prefers alternate remedies before medicine when possible).


----------



## DownByTheRiver

RandomDude said:


> Everyone, pull the finger with your left hand. What do you see?
> 
> View attachment 81106


Yeah. I need to turn that around, don't I?


----------



## RandomDude

DownByTheRiver said:


> Yeah. I need to turn that around, don't I?


Lol turn it around and it would be the finger to whoever is viewing the display


----------



## DownByTheRiver

RandomDude said:


> Lol turn it around and it would be the finger to whoever is viewing the display


Maybe that's why the last one to dust in there turned it around.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

TXTrini said:


> You know, I thought it wasn't possible for me either. I thought I wasn't fun enough for anyone to want me... everyone OLD talks about all kinds of interests and events that didn't particularly interest me. I started dating with no expectations of a relationship, bc quite honestly I wasn't ready to be in one and expected it to be a long time before I met someone who knocked my socks off. I did it bc I knew if I didn't right then, I never would, I'm a very solitary person with no need to socialize much.


We sound quite a bit alike. I tend to be low key and mostly a homebody, and so many of the guys on OLD had a whole gallery of photos of all these different activities they’ve done. White water rafting, cycling, cross fit, etc etc. I have zero interest in being go go go all the time! It sounds exhausting to me and someone like that would find me to be a drag. I enjoy getting out but tend to like more laid back activities. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Emerging Buddhist

heartsbeating said:


> Sometimes I feel like extroverts get a bad wrap around here! The mention of activities are also things that myself and Batman enjoy doing, too. Despite not being typically introverted. Maybe I'm just being a confused extrovert.


Just ask AC, there are a lot of us skydiving, ziplining, gun-shooting, fast bike-riding, moonlight-dancing, hill-launching, river skinny-dipping, abandoned-exploring, small-town pub spelunking confused-extrovert introverts!

We're just quietly mindful about it...


----------



## m.t.t

ccpowerslave said:


> If my wife lied about pants I would be upset 😉
> 
> Having a fear of flying that strong is unusual I think. I’m sure it would be pretty embarrassing.
> 
> I used to work with a guy who didn’t like it and it made him physically sick. Of course he eventually had to go on a business trip. We tried to make him feel better by ruthlessly teasing him and asking every time there was turbulence if that was the engine blowing.
> 
> If she has friends like that it might explain why she is not eager to reveal this. It’s also irrational, which isn’t the best look.
> 
> I’d think she’d already be in trouble for bailing with her employer, so something doesn’t check out.


she came clean about it within 10 mins of texting me she was in the other state. So the lie was very short lived and a few texts. She was so ashamed of how pathetic it felt to be so afraid that she couldn't even get to the airport. She had spent the day vomiting etc 

I think she hid it from me due to our talks about going to New york next year. She has rarely flown in her life and will have extreme trouble even getting on the plane. I found this out after we talked. yes she lied, But she was embarrassed about how bad her anxiety is. I explained to her that if it happened again, the lying I will need to end the relationship. I explained that i would have been there for her to help that she didn't need to hide it from me.


----------



## TXTrini

3Xnocharm said:


> We sound quite a bit alike. I tend to be low key and mostly a homebody, and so many of the guys on OLD had a whole gallery of photos of all these different activities they’ve done. White water rafting, cycling, cross fit, etc etc. I have zero interest in being go go go all the time! It sounds exhausting to me and someone like that would find me to be a drag. I enjoy getting out but tend to like more laid back activities.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Yup. I wanted to enjoy someone as a person, not to be so distracted doing things not knowing the real person until the momentum slowed and I wasn't sure who I coupled up with. 

Also, I live with a chronic illness that would be a problem for someone who needs to be super active, so I tried to be upfront about who I am and my challenges, which seems to have worked well for me.


----------



## Blondilocks

RandomDude said:


> Painted sh-t on a plastic bag, it's art. Dried up people's cum and made slabs of it everywhere, it's art.


You really didn't need to share this, you know?


----------



## Blondilocks

Emerging Buddhist said:


> small-town pub spelunking










Is this kind of like getting falling down drunk and crawling under the tables?


----------



## Blondilocks

ccpowerslave said:


> My wife likes colored gemstones. Her favorite one she actually wears daily I never heard of it, it’s called benitoite as seen here Benitoite - Wikipedia
> 
> It is the state gemstone and is really just from here and has been mined out. As such larger gem quality crystals are extremely expensive. I forgot how much her matched pair was per carat but it was up there with other really expensive gemstones and much harder to find.


Your wife is one lucky woman! It is one of the rarest stones on the planet. Chemists can't figure out how to grow it in a lab - unlike one of the other rarest called bixbite (originally marketed as red emerald). The color blue can be approximated in Tanzanite or a good sapphire but they will never have the dispersion of the benitoite. I'm guessing she bought earrings. Any chance of a pic?

I love, love gemstones.


----------



## ccpowerslave

Blondilocks said:


> Any chance of a pic?


They’re stuck on her ears! She hasn’t taken them off since she got them except to clean.

She wears them next to “hearts on fire” Diamond studs of a similar size, maybe half carat or so, the benitoite was definitely more expensive I want to say around that size they were > $1k/carat more than reasonable quality diamonds. The colored gem guy told us he hasn’t had another pair like that one since we bought it, everything he has come across has been smaller.

Yeah google says ~6-8k/carat today’s prices which is the same as what we got them for several years ago.

My wife’s could maybe me mistaken for sapphire at a glance they’re pretty blue. Sapphires also vary quite a lot. When my wife explains it to people if they point and ask about them she says it also has some of the hue from tanzanite which I don’t think she owns or wears any.

I’ll see if she’ll let me take a picture.


----------



## Emerging Buddhist

Blondilocks said:


> View attachment 81116
> 
> Is this kind of like getting falling down drunk and crawling under the tables?


It's the I can get a drawn beer, dinner of the daily catch or cut, unique humor of the locals, and a room all under the same roof!


----------



## DownByTheRiver

ccpowerslave said:


> My wife likes colored gemstones. Her favorite one she actually wears daily I never heard of it, it’s called benitoite as seen here Benitoite - Wikipedia
> 
> It is the state gemstone and is really just from here and has been mined out. As such larger gem quality crystals are extremely expensive. I forgot how much her matched pair was per carat but it was up there with other really expensive gemstones and much harder to find.


It's a really pretty color, similar to lapis.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

m.t.t said:


> ok what would you think in this scenario.
> 
> my girlfriend tells me she is going to fly interstate for a work breakup. All good, the days she is gone seem a bit vague but they don't mess with when we see one another so no big deal but I do notice. I ask her the day before what time is her flight, .... I sense something isn't right when she doesn't text me that she is at the airport etc No photos etc.I text her later she texts me back that she is at the hotel and just drinking from the mini bar. Just got there. Tells me she wishes that I was with her. So I suggest video call. She turns me down tells me that she has some work to do.
> 
> My gut has been telling me something isn't right, Even people that have been on one date will send me a airport photo. I have this feeling that she isnt where she said she is.
> .......
> 
> Her call interrupted me writing this out. So on the call she sounded bad. She has very bad anxiety. She didn't tell me at first but it turns out she is afraid of flying. Turns out that she didn't go to the airport, couldn't get there as she is vomiting etc from the fear. Her telling me that she is at the hotel drinking from the mini bar was not true. She is still at home. I told her I just felt that she wasn't where she said she was. She told me that she is so ashamed of her anxiety she lied to me and was going to to try and drive and not tell me.
> 
> I'm so upset that she would lie to me. I said that I want to help her and I'm going to, but I don't know how do I have a relationship with someone that would rather pretend they were somewhere than tell me that they have freaked out and didn't go to the airport? Things have been so amazing between us too. Her anxiety is a concern but her lying to me has really shaken me. I feel that she was afraid that I would break up with her because in her eye the anxiety is ridiculous but it's the lie via text hat I'm really having an issue with.


All that is very fishy. To me it sounds like she knew you were on to her and so she made this thing up about fear of flying. I mean why would she ever agree to fly if she knew she couldn't do it.


----------



## farsidejunky

DownByTheRiver said:


> I mostly stuck with the raw stuff, but I did buy one ametrine/amethyst cut gem at a rock show one year. I had it put into a necklace, but it broke. The cutter cut a kind of starburst on the backside and it looks pretty when lit well. I love all that stuff. Agate is so pretty!
> 
> I absolutely can't go to the shows without buying something. I used to go and come back with stuff they had outside, like a bitg Oklahoma sandstone rock I put in my yard. Hah. They look so pretty when they're wet. All rocks look better wet.


If you ever make it to the Northern California/Southern Oregon coast, you can find agates right on the beach. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


----------



## Lila

On again/off again has been asking to see me again. I'm not going to get into the whys but I asked him to never contact me again and I blocked him. He didn't do anything wrong but i am wasting his and my time. He will never be my happily ever after and I know that is what he is looking for. 

After I threw up (literally), I cried, and cried, and cried, and then picked myself up, dusted myself off, and put his memory out of my mind. He's been my safety net for a very long time, and yes I do love him but love is not enough. It's scary to be alone.


----------



## RandomDude

Lila said:


> On again/off again has been asking to see me again. I'm not going to get into the whys but I asked him to never contact me again and I blocked him. He didn't do anything wrong but i am wasting his and my time. He will never be my happily ever after and I know that is what he is looking for.
> 
> After I threw up (literally), I cried, and cried, and cried, and then picked myself up, dusted myself off, and put his memory out of my mind. He's been my safety net for a very long time, and *yes I do love him but love is not enough*. It's scary to be alone.


Bloody hell. It's a hard lesson to learn and I find myself so disillusioned with the reality of things. Each new person I meet, there's always 'that one'. And it's like the love doesn't die.

I asked my crutch about it too and the last person she felt sparks for was like, a decade ago, put a few relationships including an 8 yr one in between. Not to mention my other mate who jumped into a new engagement while telling her new partner she would never love him as much as her ex. All these stories, there's always 'that one' that got away, 'that one' that taught them love wasn't enough. Like F... is this what is awaiting me at the end of the tunnel? Reminds me why I didn't want to meet her, because I like the sunshine coming in the windows without going outside, the ray of hope. If we met the ray of hope would be risk being shattered.

Yet I also asked if she ever had sweet nothings whispered in her ear and believed it no matter how irrational, she never did. She never had loved so deep as I have to be thus so blinded. Then I look internally, and ask myself if even I can love like how I loved again. Then it hit me that the saddening reality is that I can't, as much as I want to having tasted it. What new type of love could be even forfilling? I look at my past relationships which were more steady head-wise though much less intense heart-wise as well all the past relationships of my dates and it's so disheartening.

_sigh_ Wish love was enough...


----------



## Andy1001

RandomDude said:


> Went to a museum before with my ex, was wondering how half the pieces there are considered art.
> Painted sh-t on a plastic bag, it's art. Dried up people's cum and made slabs of it everywhere, it's art.
> 
> Like WTF, meh...
> 
> 
> 
> Yeah
> I hope I find that again someday, even a best friend.


Before the covid outbreak I was living in London and one day my wife and I went to the Victoria and Albert gallery/museum. One of the sections was empty except for a painters dust sheet thrown in the corner. I figured it was waiting for a new exhibit. 
We had bought a catalogue and while having coffee I started looking through it. You’ve guessed it, the dust sheet was an “art installation”.
In another gallery in Edinburgh a few years ago someone had gotten a very large bottle, probably about three gallons and had placed a book on top of it with a large knife through it. They had poured some red paint into the bottle and the piece was titled “Blood on the words”.
It was priced at ninety five thousand pounds. 
I didn’t buy it.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

farsidejunky said:


> If you ever make it to the Northern California/Southern Oregon coast, you can find agates right on the beach.
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


There are also garnet mines up in the north west. Agate would be fun to find on the beach!


----------



## RandomDude

Andy1001 said:


> Before the covid outbreak I was living in London and one day my wife and I went to the Victoria and Albert gallery/museum. One of the sections was empty except for a painters dust sheet thrown in the corner. I figured it was waiting for a new exhibit.
> We had bought a catalogue and while having coffee I started looking through it. You’ve guessed it, the dust sheet was an “art installation”.
> In another gallery in Edinburgh a few years ago someone had gotten a very large bottle, probably about three gallons and had placed a book on top of it with a large knife through it. They had poured some red paint into the bottle and the piece was titled “Blood on the words”.
> It was priced at ninety five thousand pounds.
> I didn’t buy it.


Yeah WTF, I just don't get it.
I love art and appreciate it, but what they put in these exhibits boggles the mind. Yet it's like that everywhere, there MUST be a reason stuff like that ends up in a museum.


----------



## Elizabeth001

Lila said:


> On again/off again has been asking to see me again. I'm not going to get into the whys but I asked him to never contact me again and I blocked him. He didn't do anything wrong but i am wasting his and my time. He will never be my happily ever after and I know that is what he is looking for.
> 
> After I threw up (literally), I cried, and cried, and cried, and then picked myself up, dusted myself off, and put his memory out of my mind. He's been my safety net for a very long time, and yes I do love him but love is not enough. It's scary to be alone.


No no no…it’s TOUGH being alone, not scary. Words are powerful. You got this 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## LisaDiane

Elizabeth001 said:


> No no no…it’s TOUGH being alone, not scary. Words are powerful. You got this
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


PERFECT post!!!


----------



## Lila

RandomDude said:


> _sigh_ Wish love was enough...


Love is not enough....at least not at my age. If I only had me, myself, and I to selfishly consider then yes, but I have people and responsibilities that take priority. To me, Love is a luxury. I'd be content with someone who's personality and life responsibilities compliment me and mine. That's my happily ever after. It's not exactly the most romantic thing in the world but it is the truth. 




Elizabeth001 said:


> No no no…it’s TOUGH being alone, not scary. Words are powerful. You got this
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


That's exactly what my one single girlfriend told me. She said, "yep being single is tough and it sucks, but you get used to it. Kind of like those people living in 3rd world countries". Then she shrugged. That's it. Those were her words of encouragement. Lol. 

I feel so trapped right now. I have the freedom to go live anywhere else in the world, at least for a while, but I have to think of my son. I can't leave him and he can't come with me. This means I have to stay put. ☹


----------



## ccpowerslave

Lila said:


> Love is not enough....at least not at my age. If I only had me, myself, and I to selfishly consider then yes, but I have people and responsibilities that take priority. To me, Love is a luxury.


I think you could be into something here. I have heard of it being a battlefield, and also folks questioning whether it’s a second hand emotion; but a luxury? Damn…


----------



## RandomDude

Lila said:


> Love is not enough....at least not at my age. If I only had me, myself, and I to selfishly consider then yes, but I have people and responsibilities that take priority. To me, Love is a luxury. I'd be content with someone who's personality and life responsibilities compliment me and mine. That's my happily ever after. It's not exactly the most romantic thing in the world but it is the truth.
> 
> That's exactly what my one single girlfriend told me. She said, "yep being single is tough and it sucks, but you get used to it. Kind of like those people living in 3rd world countries". Then she shrugged. That's it. Those were her words of encouragement. Lol.
> 
> I feel so trapped right now. I have the freedom to go live anywhere else in the world, at least for a while, but I have to think of my son. I can't leave him and he can't come with me. This means I have to stay put. ☹


Love is not enough at any age, and for the most part, it's fragile. 
Yet I can't be content with someone who is simply compatible, I would be out in an instant. Yet it seems so many others can, and it's normal I guess.


----------



## lifeistooshort

ccpowerslave said:


> I think you could be into something here. I have heard of it being a battlefield, and also folks questioning whether it’s a second hand emotion; but a luxury? Damn…


I think we have to shift our definition of love as we get older. Love can develop from high compatibility as long as you have at least a little attraction.

Idealism is best left to the young and dumb.


----------



## Hopeful Cynic

RandomDude said:


> Bloody hell. It's a hard lesson to learn and I find myself so disillusioned with the reality of things. Each new person I meet, there's always 'that one'. And it's like the love doesn't die.
> 
> I asked my crutch about it too and the last person she felt sparks for was like, a decade ago, put a few relationships including an 8 yr one in between. Not to mention my other mate who jumped into a new engagement while telling her new partner she would never love him as much as her ex. All these stories, there's always 'that one' that got away, 'that one' that taught them love wasn't enough. Like F... is this what is awaiting me at the end of the tunnel? Reminds me why I didn't want to meet her, because I like the sunshine coming in the windows without going outside, the ray of hope. If we met the ray of hope would be risk being shattered.
> 
> Yet I also asked if she ever had sweet nothings whispered in her ear and believed it no matter how irrational, she never did. She never had loved so deep as I have to be thus so blinded. Then I look internally, and ask myself if even I can love like how I loved again. Then it hit me that the saddening reality is that I can't, as much as I want to having tasted it. What new type of love could be even forfilling? I look at my past relationships which were more steady head-wise though much less intense heart-wise as well all the past relationships of my dates and it's so disheartening.
> 
> _sigh_ Wish love was enough...


There are a lot of types of love. The Ancient Greeks defines eight or so of them! 








Recognizing 8 Types Of Love According To The Ancient Greeks


Recognize the 8 types of love according to the ancient Greeks




voi.id





Currently, psychology works with a few similar ideas, most notably the concept of limerence (new relationship infatuation) developing over time into more devoted love of long-term relationships. Those two could be the Eros and Pragma Greek loves.

Limerence is often the cause of affairs, and people saying "I love you but I'm not in love with you." Cheaters feel the limerence butterflies with a new partner, and decide this must mean they don't want to be with their spouse any longer because those feelings have left the building. Meanwhile, the betrayed spouses are reeling because their own feelings had deepened from limerence into long-term love.

If limerence is all you care about, then you won't have a good long-term relationship. And people who find limerence essential should only have short-term or open relationships, because they will end up miserable in a monogamous long-term relationship.

It sounds to me like your ex-girlfriend felt the limerence departing, and blamed you for somehow being responsible, by not doing the exact courtship things you did at the start of the relationship. Only you can decide what sort of love feelings you had for her in return. The way you describe things though, I get the impression you were determined to have Agape love, when it's a lot healthier to focus on developing Pragma love.


----------



## Hiner112

This might border on TMI so I'm probably going to put it in a spoiler. The short version is that I was able to spend almost two days with my GF and a good time was had by all . I had told her that I was going to make her squirm a couple months ago and she took it as a bad thing (its very much not) and I finally figured out how to do it for her . This weekend I told her something else I'm planning on doing and she scoffed again. 



Spoiler: TMI



Her reaction a couple months ago was something along the lines of "you better not" or doubt as to whether I would or not. This weekend after observing how she touched herself I was able to make her nearly squirm off the bed. That was Sunday morning. She immediately had to go back to sleep .

When I was hugging her before leaving to go back home, I whispered in her ear that next time she was going to try to squirm like that I was going to hold her still so she couldn't get away. She kind of roller her eyes at that boasting but I don't do all these pull ups and push ups for nothing.


----------



## jlg07

DownByTheRiver said:


> There are also garnet mines up in the north west. Agate would be fun to find on the beach!


There's a Garnet mine up in the Lake George NY region -- went there for the tour, and there were rocks all over the shore of the pond. You are allowed to pick up as much garnets (there are tons of small ones free) and rocks that you want.
I have a nice rock with part of it cracked open showing the garnets!


----------



## RandomDude

Hopeful Cynic said:


> There are a lot of types of love. The Ancient Greeks defines eight or so of them!
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Recognizing 8 Types Of Love According To The Ancient Greeks
> 
> 
> Recognize the 8 types of love according to the ancient Greeks
> 
> 
> 
> 
> voi.id
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Currently, psychology works with a few similar ideas, most notably the concept of limerence (new relationship infatuation) developing over time into more devoted love of long-term relationships. Those two could be the Eros and Pragma Greek loves.
> 
> Limerence is often the cause of affairs, and people saying "I love you but I'm not in love with you." Cheaters feel the limerence butterflies with a new partner, and decide this must mean they don't want to be with their spouse any longer because those feelings have left the building. Meanwhile, the betrayed spouses are reeling because their own feelings had deepened from limerence into long-term love.
> 
> If limerence is all you care about, then you won't have a good long-term relationship. And people who find limerence essential should only have short-term or open relationships, because they will end up miserable in a monogamous long-term relationship.
> 
> It sounds to me like your ex-girlfriend felt the limerence departing, and blamed you for somehow being responsible, by not doing the exact courtship things you did at the start of the relationship. Only you can decide what sort of love feelings you had for her in return. The way you describe things though, I get the impression you were determined to have Agape love, when it's a lot healthier to focus on developing Pragma love.


Well, my issue now are both the stories of my friend who got engaged to someone so quickly after a breakup as well as ms. crutch's revelation of her love history - not only is limerence abandoned but chemistry along with it. And for me chemistry isn't just about the butterfly feelings, it's the ability to connect, mentally and emotionally with someone. People seem to accept second rate relationships because they do not want to be alone, and these aren't FWB arrangements where the future of the relationship is set by both parties, it's full blown actual relationships, engagements, one person who can't give their all to a new person, and the other who accepts it hoping that love would develop over time, or combination of both.

The former tells me she is focused on compatibility at the cost of chemistry and the latter tells me she just liked her exs (8 years the longest for mere liking), and of course told them she loved them hahahaha 🤦‍♂️ Well F! lol
Worse, their love seems reserved for their exs who are nothing but memories. While they get into new compatibility-based relationships and try for love to develop over time. And hell I can't even blame them because I don't know if I can do otherwise either, can I really open up and love again like I did? 

I think I need a better example than those two. Someone please tell me a (true) story of loving so deeply and then loving someone else so deeply and forgetting about the former so there can be hope for me!


----------



## m.t.t

RandomDude said:


> Yeah WTF, I just don't get it.
> I love art and appreciate it, but what they put in these exhibits boggles the mind. Yet it's like that everywhere, there MUST be a reason stuff like that ends up in a museum.


you have to look beyond what you visually see. It's about a discussion, conversation and ideas  It also helps to know the artist and what they are exploring.


----------



## m.t.t

RandomDude said:


> Well, my issue now are both the stories of my friend who got engaged to someone so quickly after a breakup as well as ms. crutch's revelation of her love history - not only is limerence abandoned but chemistry along with it. And for me chemistry isn't just about the butterfly feelings, it's the ability to connect, mentally and emotionally with someone. People seem to accept second rate relationships because they do not want to be alone, and these aren't FWB arrangements where the future of the relationship is set by both parties, it's full blown actual relationships, engagements, one person who can't give their all to a new person, and the other who accepts it hoping that love would develop over time, or combination of both.
> 
> The former tells me she is focused on compatibility at the cost of chemistry and the latter tells me she just liked her exs (8 years the longest for mere liking), and of course told them she loved them hahahaha 🤦‍♂️ Well F! lol
> Worse, their love seems reserved for their exs who are nothing but memories. While they get into new compatibility-based relationships and try for love to develop over time. And hell I can't even blame them because I don't know if I can do otherwise either, can I really open up and love again like I did?
> 
> I think I need a better example than those two. Someone please tell me a (true) story of loving so deeply and then loving someone else so deeply and forgetting about the former so there can be hope for me!


you need chemistry + compatibility +shared values + great sex + you need to feel great when you are with them. Shared humor I have realized is so important.

Just them being a decent person, who is reliable with shared interests you might as well be on your own.


----------



## lifeistooshort

Hopeful Cynic said:


> There are a lot of types of love. The Ancient Greeks defines eight or so of them!
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Recognizing 8 Types Of Love According To The Ancient Greeks
> 
> 
> Recognize the 8 types of love according to the ancient Greeks
> 
> 
> 
> 
> voi.id
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Currently, psychology works with a few similar ideas, most notably the concept of limerence (new relationship infatuation) developing over time into more devoted love of long-term relationships. Those two could be the Eros and Pragma Greek loves.
> 
> Limerence is often the cause of affairs, and people saying "I love you but I'm not in love with you." Cheaters feel the limerence butterflies with a new partner, and decide this must mean they don't want to be with their spouse any longer because those feelings have left the building. Meanwhile, the betrayed spouses are reeling because their own feelings had deepened from limerence into long-term love.
> 
> If limerence is all you care about, then you won't have a good long-term relationship. And people who find limerence essential should only have short-term or open relationships, because they will end up miserable in a monogamous long-term relationship.
> 
> It sounds to me like your ex-girlfriend felt the limerence departing, and blamed you for somehow being responsible, by not doing the exact courtship things you did at the start of the relationship. Only you can decide what sort of love feelings you had for her in return. The way you describe things though, I get the impression you were determined to have Agape love, when it's a lot healthier to focus on developing Pragma love.


Since his ex gf was 22 I'd expect a certain propensity towards limerance. That's why people at different stages of life offers don't work as a couple.

I agree with your post.


----------



## RandomDude

m.t.t said:


> you need chemistry + compatibility +shared values + great sex + you need to feel great when you are with them. Shared humor I have realized is so important.
> 
> Just them being a decent person, who is reliable with shared interests you might as well be on your own.


Yeah too many stars to align, yet I want to hear stories of it happening.


----------



## Enigma32

m.t.t said:


> you need chemistry + compatibility +shared values + great sex + you need to feel great when you are with them. Shared humor I have realized is so important.


That's a lot to ask for.



> Just them being a decent person, who is reliable with shared interests you might as well be on your own.


Are you better off alone though? Personally, I would much rather navigate life with a reliable partner than to attempt going at it alone because I don't think anyone is worth the trouble.


----------



## Numb26

So I am officially in my first monogamous relationship since the D. Feels weird


----------



## TXTrini

RandomDude said:


> Yeah too many stars to align, yet I want to hear stories of it happening.


It takes time to determine when you have all three. Or I'm too suspicious and cynical for my own good 😆 

So far, I think my relationship fulfills m.t.t.s criteria. I didn't want to say anything, because we haven't been together terribly long, though I suppose 2yrs (in January) is long enough for some to assess. 

I knew I wasn't ready for anything serious but I'm not built for casual and I rarely like people on a personal level, so I was prepared for it to be quite a while. We matched, started talking and immediately and hit it off, we met up a week or two later. 

Our 1st date was amazing. I still think about it sometimes quite fondly, especially since I didn't think our chemistry could last as long as it has. We saw each other every other weekend due to personal commitments and time/distance constraints, it took 5-6 months to be "official", although we decided to be exclusive immediately after our first date. 

The sex is great, it was very electric initially and has grown more comfortable but more emotional over time. We've grown to love each other very much, I hope I'm not speaking too quickly but it's exactly what I was hoping for. Noone looking at us would guess how passionate we are, I'm reserved and don't care for too much PDA. Privately we gravitate to each other, whether we're in the kitchen or sound asleep. 

Our sense of humor is very compatible, he's dry witted, I'm more silly though I have my witty moments. Humor has definitely defused some very difficult situations for both of us. I've come close to freaking out after losing weeks of work, he's had very painful days with his custody battle, but we've come through so much together. It's been a wonderful experience, despite my fears and anxiety at the beginning. Everything feels easy, but we've both been very patient and kind with each other. 

It honestly surprises me I've never had trust issues with him despite my previous, recent experience. It goes to show how much it means to be with someone who is impeccable with their word, who says what they mean, means what they say and comes through for you. Integrity and honesty, no matter how painful is very important to me. I'm so thankful I decided not to be too exacting with my filters, or we wouldn't have met. I'm Christian, he's an atheist, but he's respectful and open-minded, not an asshole about it. 

This year we started celebrating holidays together, I went with him to his family for Thanksgiving, I'm hosting Christmas dinner. So we're slowly feeling out what it's like to move forward as a long-term couple. I'm nowhere ready yet to live with someone again, and I'm not sure how long before I am, but he's been extremely patient and considerate of my feelings and is OK with that.


----------



## TXTrini

Numb26 said:


> So I am officially in my first monogamous relationship since the D. Feels weird


That happened FAST! You gotta dish!


----------



## heartsbeating

@m.t.t ...I was thinking more about your scenario and remembered another work situation. The team I managed involved a couple of different roles. A different role/team member I hired who was client facing, started off great. Then she was needed, kind of impromptu, to go to different locations yet refused as she had anxiety about it. It created a bit of a pickle and disruption.

I was very transparent about the work and expectations and which was communicated from the get-go, and she acknowledged that. Yet she had not been transparent about her anxiety. With the pickle that was created, we had a couple of meetings whereby she explained to me how she had managed up until that point, and which included her husband driving her to locations the night/morning before so that she felt mentally prepared. However, when she was faced with a sudden change, it threw that method out the window. She also explained that she was having therapy to help overcome this, and therefore hoped that she could do the role. I explained that her request to only keep with what she had become familiar with was unsustainable for the work. We agreed that she'd take a short time to consider this - and with her therapist. Following, we mutually agreed it wasn't right for her right now. The work she had done in the familiar situations had been good, and so we discussed options of different organizations and different context that I would be willing to provide a reference to her for if she needed.

Admittedly, it felt like a waste of time, energy, and resources training and onboarding her to then have her leave a few months later, as she hadn't been transparent about her potential limitations. However, the human side also understood that she had wanted to make it work and perhaps she felt that she was more ready than she was to face the realities. We ended on good terms, wished each other well. While that is an employment scenario, I still think you need to really understand how her anxiety impacts her in daily life, and whether that is sustainable for you as well.


----------



## m.t.t

heartsbeating said:


> @m.t.t ...I was thinking more about your scenario and remembered another work situation. The team I managed involved a couple of different roles. A different role/team member I hired who was client facing, started off great. Then she was needed, kind of impromptu, to go to different locations yet refused as she had anxiety about it. It created a bit of a pickle and disruption.
> 
> I was very transparent about the work and expectations and which was communicated from the get-go, and she acknowledged that. Yet she had not been transparent about her anxiety. With the pickle that was created, we had a couple of meetings whereby she explained to me how she had managed up until that point, and which included her husband driving her to locations the night/morning before so that she felt mentally prepared. However, when she was faced with a sudden change, it threw that method out the window. She also explained that she was having therapy to help overcome this, and therefore hoped that she could do the role. I explained that her request to only keep with what she had become familiar with was unsustainable for the work. We agreed that she'd take a short time to consider this - and with her therapist. Following, we mutually agreed it wasn't right for her right now. The work she had done in the familiar situations had been good, and so we discussed options of different organizations and different context that I would be willing to provide a reference to her for if she needed.
> 
> Admittedly, it felt like a waste of time, energy, and resources training and onboarding her to then have her leave a few months later, as she hadn't been transparent about her potential limitations. However, the human side also understood that she had wanted to make it work and perhaps she felt that she was more ready than she was to face the realities. We ended on good terms, wished each other well. While that is an employment scenario, I still think you need to really understand how her anxiety impacts her in daily life, and whether that is sustainable for you as well.


I really get where you are coming from and as usual I'm grateful for you pondering on my situation.

I have also been diagnosed but generalized anxiety it just manifests differently and I have set my life up to be able to function. So I'm giving her some leeway. I don't see a rush to cut things off with her though. We are all the things that I said a bit earlier that I need in a partner but my gut tells me that she finds life a bit much so she might end up letting me down in a big way. I'm playing the wait and see approach. But the house thing now just looks ridiculous to me.


----------



## Numb26

TXTrini said:


> That happened FAST! You gotta dish!


Cliff Notes version.

Went out often for a couple of months, just a casual thing which is all I wanted and which I was clear about. She told me that she felt as though we had a connection and wanted to explore that possibility. That she didn't think she could do anything "casual" with me anymore. I really like this woman and feel comfortable with her so I am moving forward with the relationship.


----------



## TXTrini

Numb26 said:


> Cliff Notes version.
> 
> Went out often for a couple of months, just a casual thing which is all I wanted and which I was clear about. She told me that she felt as though we had a connection and wanted to explore that possibility. That she didn't think she could do anything "casual" with me anymore. I really like this woman and feel comfortable with her so I am moving forward with the relationship.


Cliff notes! You TAM tease! 😂 

So what's she like?


----------



## Numb26

TXTrini said:


> Cliff notes! You TAM tease! 😂
> 
> So what's she like?


Born and raised outside Osaka. Speaks fluent English which really helps because my Japanese is up to par yet...(sorry mom). Works for Japan Today. Can't cook for squat


----------



## RandomDude

Numb26 said:


> So I am officially in my first monogamous relationship since the D. Feels weird


Yeah Cupid called...








He said for a while now you were a pain in the ass to hit, but then he boasted he managed to get you right in between the...
Anyway, if true, enjoy!


----------



## RandomDude

TXTrini said:


> It takes time to determine when you have all three. Or I'm too suspicious and cynical for my own good 😆
> 
> So far, I think my relationship fulfills m.t.t.s criteria. I didn't want to say anything, because we haven't been together terribly long, though I suppose 2yrs (in January) is long enough for some to assess.
> 
> I knew I wasn't ready for anything serious but I'm not built for casual and I rarely like people on a personal level, so I was prepared for it to be quite a while. We matched, started talking and immediately and hit it off, we met up a week or two later.
> 
> Our 1st date was amazing. I still think about it sometimes quite fondly, especially since I didn't think our chemistry could last as long as it has. We saw each other every other weekend due to personal commitments and time/distance constraints, it took 5-6 months to be "official", although we decided to be exclusive immediately after our first date.
> 
> The sex is great, it was very electric initially and has grown more comfortable but more emotional over time. We've grown to love each other very much, I hope I'm not speaking too quickly but it's exactly what I was hoping for. Noone looking at us would guess how passionate we are, I'm reserved and don't care for too much PDA. Privately we gravitate to each other, whether we're in the kitchen or sound asleep.
> 
> Our sense of humor is very compatible, he's dry witted, I'm more silly though I have my witty moments. Humor has definitely defused some very difficult situations for both of us. I've come close to freaking out after losing weeks of work, he's had very painful days with his custody battle, but we've come through so much together. It's been a wonderful experience, despite my fears and anxiety at the beginning. Everything feels easy, but we've both been very patient and kind with each other.
> 
> It honestly surprises me I've never had trust issues with him despite my previous, recent experience. It goes to show how much it means to be with someone who is impeccable with their word, who says what they mean, means what they say and comes through for you. Integrity and honesty, no matter how painful is very important to me. I'm so thankful I decided not to be too exacting with my filters, or we wouldn't have met. I'm Christian, he's an atheist, but he's respectful and open-minded, not an asshole about it.
> 
> This year we started celebrating holidays together, I went with him to his family for Thanksgiving, I'm hosting Christmas dinner. So we're slowly feeling out what it's like to move forward as a long-term couple. I'm nowhere ready yet to live with someone again, and I'm not sure how long before I am, but he's been extremely patient and considerate of my feelings and is OK with that.


But have you loved someone just as deeply before? I'm curious as it's not enough that I love again, I feel I must love better or not at all.


----------



## Numb26

RandomDude said:


> Yeah Cupid called...
> View attachment 81228
> 
> He said for a while now you were a pain in the ass to hit, but then he boasted he managed to get you right in between the...
> Anyway, if true, enjoy!


It did take him awhile but he got me!


----------



## TXTrini

RandomDude said:


> But have you loved someone just as deeply before? I'm curious as it's not enough that I love again, I feel I must love better or not at all.


Yes. I'm a very sensitive person and when I love someone I love with my all, or not at all. My exH and I used to love each other very much, we went through a lot to be together, I moved here for him. It was very hard for me to give up on my marriage, but I had no choice in the end if I wanted to still love myself.

I refused to let my experience change me and what I wanted even if that is stupid. I'm still smarting from that, but its fading gradually. Even though I am more afraid, much less trusting, more doubtful, I think I have learned from my last experience. My therapist encouraged me to live more authentically, so I'm trying to be more considerate of myself; less sacrificing, not as "nice". I lost everything and got back up, so it's not as scary to simply be. That has made this new love a completely different experience.

At the end of the day you have to decide what you want and how you want to live your life and do what you have to do to achieve that, whatever happens.


----------



## Elizabeth001

TXTrini said:


> Yes. I'm a very sensitive person and when I love someone I love with my all, or not at all. My exH and I used to love each other very much, we went through a lot to be together, I moved here for him. It was very hard for me to give up on my marriage, but I had no choice in the end if I wanted to still love myself.
> 
> I refused to let my experience change me and what I wanted even if that is stupid. I'm still smarting from that, but its fading gradually. Even though I am more afraid, much less trusting, more doubtful, I think I have learned from my last experience. My therapist encouraged me to live more authentically, so I'm trying to be more considerate of myself; less sacrificing, not as "nice". I lost everything and got back up, so it's not as scary to simply be. That has made this new love a completely different experience.
> 
> At the end of the day you have to decide what you want and how you want to live your life and do what you have to do to achieve that, whatever happens.


QFT 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## joannacroc

So...I have not really met up with anyone from online dating yet. Everyone has been nice so far, but mostly my knee jerk reaction is "Oh, cute dog! rather than "Ooo he's kind of attractive, and sounds intriguing. We have stuff in common. That's someone I'd love to share a coffee with." It is such an odd format. You like someone and they apparently like you but either don't respond to messages, in which case I assume they have other stuff going on and aren't interested, or they do respond and just seem kind of down or uninteresting. Maybe I need to hang up my spurs and resort to squeezing melons suggestively in the supermarket, which seems like it'd be sad or comical.


----------



## Hiner112

Not dating related. Just inappropriate humor I thought I'd share. The scene is just before a concert for one of the kids.

Ex: There's an email from the school saying that there's a TikToc trend encouraging violence on December 17th.

Me: On the anniversary of our first date? I guess that's as good of an excuse as any.

Ex: 2021-1997=24 WE MET 24 YEARS AGO?! How and when did I get this old?

Me: See?


----------



## heartsbeating

joannacroc said:


> "Oh, cute dog!


😆


----------



## Hiner112

joannacroc said:


> So...I have not really met up with anyone from online dating yet. Everyone has been nice so far, but mostly my knee jerk reaction is "Oh, cute dog! rather than "Ooo he's kind of attractive, and sounds intriguing. We have stuff in common. That's someone I'd love to share a coffee with." It is such an odd format. You like someone and they apparently like you but either don't respond to messages, in which case I assume they have other stuff going on and aren't interested, or they do respond and just seem kind of down or uninteresting. Maybe I need to hang up my spurs and resort to squeezing melons suggestively in the supermarket, which seems like it'd be sad or comical.


You won't get to meet the cute dog if you don't meet the guy he hangs out with.


----------



## RandomDude

joannacroc said:


> So...I have not really met up with anyone from online dating yet. Everyone has been nice so far, but mostly my knee jerk reaction is "Oh, cute dog! rather than "Ooo he's kind of attractive, and sounds intriguing. We have stuff in common. That's someone I'd love to share a coffee with." It is such an odd format. You like someone and they apparently like you but either don't respond to messages, in which case I assume they have other stuff going on and aren't interested, or they do respond and just seem kind of down or uninteresting. Maybe I need to hang up my spurs and resort to squeezing melons suggestively in the supermarket, which seems like it'd be sad or comical.


You don't have to meet, I was poised to meet someone too, instead we both decided after being through lockdown breakups we want to slow it down to a crawl or even a halt, but keep the company. The arrangement turned out perfect and we heal each other's loneliness.

Turned out so perfect now I wonder if I would be happy with just a girl on the side like this, no expectations, no commitments, no responsibilities.


----------



## Lila

Numb26 said:


> If a man calls you "hot" he is talking about your body.
> If a man calls you "pretty" he is talking about your face.
> If a man calls you "beautiful" he is talking about your heart.


I'm going to leave this here because it needs to be shared.


----------



## TXTrini

Lila said:


> I'm going to leave this here because it needs to be shared.


It sounds great, but sometimes words are just words. My exH told me I was beautiful the same morning he told the MC he wasn't going to stop seeing OW. Needless to say, words don't mean a damned thing to me anymore.


----------



## Elizabeth001

TXTrini said:


> It sounds great, but sometimes words are just words. My exH told me I was beautiful the same morning he told the MC he wasn't going to stop seeing OW. Needless to say, words don't mean a damned thing to me anymore.


Ya know…I was gonna say something much like that earlier but decided it wasn’t worth my time. lol 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Not

Had a small epiphany the other day. I still have days where I miss being with someone and was feeling pretty down but then realized this is why I got divorced. My marriage was awful and so dead and now I'm at least out there living life, going through the ups and downs. Falling for someone and feeling love then losing the connection and having a broken heart. Far better than feeling nothing at all every single day. I'll take this over what I had before.


----------



## RandomDude

TXTrini said:


> Yes. I'm a very sensitive person and when I love someone I love with my all, or not at all. My exH and I used to love each other very much, we went through a lot to be together, I moved here for him. It was very hard for me to give up on my marriage, but I had no choice in the end if I wanted to still love myself.
> 
> I refused to let my experience change me and what I wanted even if that is stupid. I'm still smarting from that, but its fading gradually. Even though I am more afraid, much less trusting, more doubtful, I think I have learned from my last experience. My therapist encouraged me to live more authentically, so I'm trying to be more considerate of myself; less sacrificing, not as "nice". I lost everything and got back up, so it's not as scary to simply be. That has made this new love a completely different experience.
> 
> At the end of the day you have to decide what you want and how you want to live your life and do what you have to do to achieve that, whatever happens.


Been meditating on your words, as well as other reflections and I think I'm done. For me it took a lot for me to even fall in love, let alone love again. Deep down in my heart I feel like I have nothing left to give, as much as I want to. It seems there's only so much a human being can push their limits and I've reached mine emotionally. After being emotionally blunted all my life I learned to love and gave it my all after the stars aligned and it still wasn't enough. A wise person would suggest not to invest my newfound ability to love on such a fragile relationship where there was a high risk to break up, but I didn't get to choose who I found a connection with. Even if my heart can recover from this revelation despite my desire, my will is spent. It's just done. In total CBF mode. 

As days go by I'm becoming more and more isolated despite the lockdown opening up, yet I'm finding solace in my solitude. My birthday is in a few days and it's going to be the first one without a partner for many years, will likely never celebrate it with a partner again. I am even finding my own crutch a burden, but she was always there for me and I feel obligated to remain in contact. She's no longer a crutch, more like a window, and reminder of the life I left behind and forces me to question if I want it again. I don't. Not with her, not with ex or any of my exs nor any dream crush I just CBF. 

In the end I think I've reached my limit for romantic love. Years ago I still remember the softer side of me made a bet with my more hardened side that if I was to be more vulnerable, I would learn to love and experience something worthwhile, the more hardened side went all in, convinced this would be the catalyst to never love again and shut up the inner romantic for good. This bet allowed me to truly be vulnerable, the hardened side waiting for the inevitable. Both were right in their own way, but in the end the hardened side won and the inner romantic seems to have died off or merged. I no longer have these black and white voices no more, all is grey and one. Part of me died or grew up, either way, it's gone. 

If I have had this journey earlier in my life, before marriage and divorce I would probably be much more hopeful for the future but now... I'm spent. 

There is a sea full of fish practically jumping out of the water around my age, quality catches too but none of them really draw me in and even when I do find a connection (ms. Crutch) I don't even want to pursue anything more than her company through text from time to time even though we live practically 10 minutes away. I read stories of people single for life, and it's not all doom and gloom. And I'm not alone, my immediate family is alone. My mother has finally realised that she's happier by herself despite being remarried. So hey, besides it would let me focus on my own aspirations, embrace my freedom and solitude. By now after 4 months I have forgotten much of what it was like to be in love, and not so sure I want to remember. No part of me drives me towards such anymore. 

Finding a connection and being able to love is a gift. I'm not closing my heart off to it consciously, but the more time passes it seems it's hardening itself, but it doesn't seem to be doing it out of grief or hate, just plain indifference now, like settling into a new reality. Seems like I will have to find my happiness alone with no regrets, as I have lived the what ifs. Regret or fear of it would at least inspire me to do something about it, I have neither now. I've never been like this, but it is the reality the more hardened side of me wanted me to acknowledge all those years ago. My journey may have been backwards in terms of falling in love only at the end but my journey seems complete, even the inner romantic is either dead or done. Not all happily ever afters end the same way, and perhaps in time I will realise this is indeed mine. 

Merry Xmas regardless


----------



## RandomDude

TXTrini said:


> It sounds great, but sometimes words are just words. My exH told me I was beautiful the same morning he told the MC he wasn't going to stop seeing OW. Needless to say, words don't mean a damned thing to me anymore.


That's the thing really, before my ex, I had a rather realistic view of the world and love, words of affirmation ranked at rock bottom for me. It took years to condition myself to accept the comfort it gave, to believe in sweet nothings and have faith in it. Well, turned out words of affirmation are all as expected - BS, what's worse, you can't trust actions either. You can only trust patterns and consistency, and the patterns and consistency revealed the simple fact that we loved each other differently, hers was Eros, mine evolved to Agape/Philia, neither evolved to Pragma.

Worse, we both gave each other our version of love in hopes the other would appreciate it and give it back to us, she wanted Eros in return, I wanted Agape in return.

That's why I initiated the break up that day to make up her bloody mind because I wanted Agape. It wasn't sabotage or me being dismissive, it was me wanted to feel loved like I did the first year we met, she accepted and loved all of me. And she wanted the same - in her own way - in Eros love.

But our doomed love affair was so pure and precious, and when I think about loving again, I can't bring myself to go back to the cynical realism where I can't trust anything they say or do, only what I trust them to do. Like with ex-wife, and she never even betrayed me or gave me promises that she never kept. Ex-wife is the pinnacle example of Pragma love I had, even though I wasn't in love with her the way I was with ex, I can't go back to that, and I can't love again the way I did either, so I can't even get to a stage where I can evolve Eros to Pragma.

Innocence is best lost early, late in life, it's a mess. Like with ex, she is definitely in a much better position, she can easily love again and I bet she already has someone else in her arms, forgot about me and whispering new sweet nothings in his ear as well lol. If you find love, give it your all, if you don't find it, don't waste the experience on someone you don't love if there is someone else who deserves the experience more I'd say.

Sometimes experiences you just can't repeat.


----------



## m.t.t

I hear your words @RandomDude. Although I feel differently at the moment, I can't help thinking that everyone I speak too is feeling a similar emotional exhaustion including myself. I think the lockdowns here, the news and all of the covid talk has caused a weird emotional fatigue. I used to be able to chat to friends or acquaintances in the street and want to be there to listen , but now when they want to let their feeling out and talk about hard things I need to cut and run. I can't take anymore heaviness. I can't take anymore conversations about abusive husbands, disease and anti vax nuttiness. I'm in an emotional burnout, like many.

I spend my days laughing with my girlfriend and feeling real joy, I feel young, younger than I have ever felt. I realized it's because I'm excited about my future. I'm looking forward to christmas for the first time in decades. But outside of this I can't take any more.


----------



## RandomDude

Aye, sometimes we're just done.

But thankfully, we have other things to look forward to, you and your partner, I still have goals and aspirations, I still have my family and we are all alive. Hold on to what we still have I guess.


----------



## TXTrini

RandomDude said:


> Been meditating on your words, as well as other reflections and I think I'm done. For me it took a lot for me to even fall in love, let alone love again. Deep down in my heart I feel like I have nothing left to give, as much as I want to. It seems there's only so much a human being can push their limits and I've reached mine emotionally. After being emotionally blunted all my life I learned to love and gave it my all after the stars aligned and it still wasn't enough. A wise person would suggest not to invest my newfound ability to love on such a fragile relationship where there was a high risk to break up, but I didn't get to choose who I found a connection with. Even if my heart can recover from this revelation despite my desire, my will is spent. It's just done. In total CBF mode.
> 
> As days go by I'm becoming more and more isolated despite the lockdown opening up, yet I'm finding solace in my solitude. My birthday is in a few days and it's going to be the first one without a partner for many years, will likely never celebrate it with a partner again. I am even finding my own crutch a burden, but she was always there for me and I feel obligated to remain in contact. She's no longer a crutch, more like a window, and reminder of the life I left behind and forces me to question if I want it again. I don't. Not with her, not with ex or any of my exs nor any dream crush I just CBF.
> 
> In the end I think I've reached my limit for romantic love. Years ago I still remember the softer side of me made a bet with my more hardened side that if I was to be more vulnerable, I would learn to love and experience something worthwhile, the more hardened side went all in, convinced this would be the catalyst to never love again and shut up the inner romantic for good. This bet allowed me to truly be vulnerable, the hardened side waiting for the inevitable. Both were right in their own way, but in the end the hardened side won and the inner romantic seems to have died off or merged. I no longer have these black and white voices no more, all is grey and one. Part of me died or grew up, either way, it's gone.
> 
> If I have had this journey earlier in my life, before marriage and divorce I would probably be much more hopeful for the future but now... I'm spent.
> 
> There is a sea full of fish practically jumping out of the water around my age, quality catches too but none of them really draw me in and even when I do find a connection (ms. Crutch) I don't even want to pursue anything more than her company through text from time to time even though we live practically 10 minutes away. I read stories of people single for life, and it's not all doom and gloom. And I'm not alone, my immediate family is alone. My mother has finally realised that she's happier by herself despite being remarried. So hey, besides it would let me focus on my own aspirations, embrace my freedom and solitude. By now after 4 months I have forgotten much of what it was like to be in love, and not so sure I want to remember. No part of me drives me towards such anymore.
> 
> Finding a connection and being able to love is a gift. I'm not closing my heart off to it consciously, but the more time passes it seems it's hardening itself, but it doesn't seem to be doing it out of grief or hate, just plain indifference now, like settling into a new reality. Seems like I will have to find my happiness alone with no regrets, as I have lived the what ifs. Regret or fear of it would at least inspire me to do something about it, I have neither now. I've never been like this, but it is the reality the more hardened side of me wanted me to acknowledge all those years ago. My journey may have been backwards in terms of falling in love only at the end but my journey seems complete, even the inner romantic is either dead or done. Not all happily ever afters end the same way, and perhaps in time I will realise this is indeed mine.
> 
> Merry Xmas regardless





RandomDude said:


> That's the thing really, before my ex, I had a rather realistic view of the world and love, words of affirmation ranked at rock bottom for me. It took years to condition myself to accept the comfort it gave, to believe in sweet nothings and have faith in it. Well, turned out words of affirmation are all as expected - BS, what's worse, you can't trust actions either. You can only trust patterns and consistency, and the patterns and consistency revealed the simple fact that we loved each other differently, hers was Eros, mine evolved to Agape/Philia, neither evolved to Pragma.
> 
> Worse, we both gave each other our version of love in hopes the other would appreciate it and give it back to us, she wanted Eros in return, I wanted Agape in return.
> 
> That's why I initiated the break up that day to make up her bloody mind because I wanted Agape. It wasn't sabotage or me being dismissive, it was me wanted to feel loved like I did the first year we met, she accepted and loved all of me. And she wanted the same - in her own way - in Eros love.
> 
> But our doomed love affair was so pure and precious, and when I think about loving again, I can't bring myself to go back to the cynical realism where I can't trust anything they say or do, only what I trust them to do. Like with ex-wife, and she never even betrayed me or gave me promises that she never kept. Ex-wife is the pinnacle example of Pragma love I had, even though I wasn't in love with her the way I was with ex, I can't go back to that, and I can't love again the way I did either, so I can't even get to a stage where I can evolve Eros to Pragma.
> 
> Innocence is best lost early, late in life, it's a mess. Like with ex, she is definitely in a much better position, she can easily love again and I bet she already has someone else in her arms, forgot about me and whispering new sweet nothings in his ear as well lol. If you find love, give it your all, if you don't find it, don't waste the experience on someone you don't love if there is someone else who deserves the experience more I'd say.
> 
> Sometimes experiences you just can't repeat.


RD, with all due respect and much love, it doesn't sound like you're anywhere ready to think of a new love. It sounds like you're still reeling from your breakup and wallowing in self pity. There's nothing wrong with taking your time to lick your wounds before you're whole enough to put yourself out there again. If you don't want to do that either, nothing wrong with that as long as you don't mislead anyone else. 

Maybe you should invest in yourself and think about who you are today, what you want for yourself and start working towards that. Maybe love will find you along the way, maybe not. You just don't sound like you're in the right frame of mind to connect with anyone. 

Honesty, many of us deal with idealized views of love being shattered at a much earlier age, so maybe this is your moment of transformation. You're 40ish? Yet you talk like a very young man, this is your moment to realize that love is messy, painful, not the least bit practical and can end if you don't feed it or are realistic about compatibility. What is life but a series of new beginnings? 

I completely agree that words are mostly ********, and mean nothing if not backed by action and substance. Time and consistency are the only things you can trust, which is why I'm still trying to reserve judgement about my relationship and take everyday one at a time. One thing I do know is no matter what happens, I will get up and move on and be happy again. You will too if you allow it.


----------



## Elizabeth001

TXTrini said:


> RD, with all due respect and much love, it doesn't sound like you're anywhere ready to think of a new love. It sounds like you're still reeling from your breakup and wallowing in self pity. There's nothing wrong with taking your time to lick your wounds before you're whole enough to put yourself out there again. If you don't want to do that either, nothing wrong with that as long as you don't mislead anyone else.
> 
> Maybe you should invest in yourself and think about who you are today, what you want for yourself and start working towards that. Maybe love will find you along the way, maybe not. You just don't sound like you're in the right frame of mind to connect with anyone.
> 
> Honesty, many of us deal with idealized views of love being shattered at a much earlier age, so maybe this is your moment of transformation. You're 40ish? Yet you talk like a very young man, this is your moment to realize that love is messy, painful, not the least bit practical and can end if you don't feed it or are realistic about compatibility. What is life but a series of new beginnings?
> 
> I completely agree that words are mostly ******, and mean nothing if not backed by action and substance. Time and consistency are the only things you can trust, which is why I'm still trying to reserve judgement about my relationship and take everyday one at a time. One thing I do know is no matter what happens, I will get up and move on and be happy again. You will too if you allow it.


Amen!


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## joannacroc

Anyone see the movie Under the Tuscan Sun? It was cheesy but I really liked it - Diane Lane finds out her husband is cheating, has to give up her home and goes on an adventure and buys an Italian villa. She encounters all sorts of obstacles and initially her vision of her future is of her finding romantic partner again but by the end she fills her house with so many kinds of love other than romantic. The point is, she finds a new life for herself. I think that's what kind of adjustment I need to go through; to realize things are gonna be ok even if they don't look as I expected.


----------



## RandomDude

TXTrini said:


> RD, with all due respect and much love, it doesn't sound like you're anywhere ready to think of a new love. It sounds like you're still reeling from your breakup and wallowing in self pity. There's nothing wrong with taking your time to lick your wounds before you're whole enough to put yourself out there again. If you don't want to do that either, nothing wrong with that as long as you don't mislead anyone else.
> 
> Maybe you should invest in yourself and think about who you are today, what you want for yourself and start working towards that. Maybe love will find you along the way, maybe not. You just don't sound like you're in the right frame of mind to connect with anyone.
> 
> Honesty, many of us deal with idealized views of love being shattered at a much earlier age, so maybe this is your moment of transformation. You're 40ish? Yet you talk like a very young man, this is your moment to realize that love is messy, painful, not the least bit practical and can end if you don't feed it or are realistic about compatibility. What is life but a series of new beginnings?
> 
> I completely agree that words are mostly ******, and mean nothing if not backed by action and substance. Time and consistency are the only things you can trust, which is why I'm still trying to reserve judgement about my relationship and take everyday one at a time. One thing I do know is no matter what happens, I will get up and move on and be happy again. You will too if you allow it.


Yup, I loved late at 31 (now 35), that's why I say my journey is backwards, and why it's pretty fked.

And yup, I'm just done. Hell I was done even before I met her - but I gave love one hell of a last shot. I just don't see anyway to move on and love again, but it doesn't mean I don't see a way to move on and be happy again


----------



## TXTrini

RandomDude said:


> Yup, I loved late at 31 (now 35), that's why I say my journey is backwards, and why it's pretty fked.
> 
> And yup, I'm just done. Hell I was done even before I met her - but I gave love one hell of a last shot. I just don't see anyway to move on and love again, but it doesn't mean I don't see a way to move on and be happy again


Now that is a defeatist attitude. Is one time around really all you have in you? Your choice entirely, but you're only cheating yourself if a rich life.

Lick your wounds but don't get too calloused in the process, you have a lot to offer to the right person.


----------



## RandomDude

TXTrini said:


> Now that is a defeatist attitude. Is one time around really all you have in you? Your choice entirely, but you're only cheating yourself if a rich life.
> 
> Lick your wounds but don't get too calloused in the process, you have a lot to offer to the right person.


Heh but it's not one time around, I lived a full life, I have loved many times, only at the end I was in love but either than the chronology of my romantic life, what is different?

If I ever love again, so be it, but I ain't putting a dollar on it. Simply investing my resources into other areas of life that actually have a future.


----------



## Laurentium

At the moment I feel I'm in a place of peace. It's nearly 7 years since I split up with my ex. That's a good amount of time. I'm not looking for anyone else, but on the other hand, if someone turned up, I'm open to it. I guess all I'd be looking for is sanity.


----------



## Laurentium

joannacroc said:


> but mostly my knee jerk reaction is "Oh, cute dog!"


When I read that, I thought you were referring to the man!


----------



## TXTrini

RandomDude said:


> Heh but it's not one time around, I lived a full life, I have loved many times, only at the end I was in love but either than the chronology of my romantic life, what is different?
> 
> If I ever love again, so be it, but I ain't putting a dollar on it. Simply investing my resources into other areas of life that actually have a future.


You said that was the first time you were truly in love. Anyway, I'm not trying to argue with you, but you're contradicting your own self with everything you say. 

Since things have opened up, can you spend some time with friends get out a little? That's rich coming from me, isn't it? 😆


----------



## TXTrini

Laurentium said:


> When I read that, I thought you were referring to the man!


Were you thinking "hot dog"? 😆


----------



## RandomDude

TXTrini said:


> You said that was the first time you were truly in love. Anyway, I'm not trying to argue with you, but you're contradicting your own self with everything you say.
> Since things have opened up, can you spend some time with friends get out a little? That's rich coming from me, isn't it? 😆


Yes, because I was not sure at the time. I have been swirling like a whirlwind lol 

And yeah hell, you're my twin personality on TAM - apparently. Do you REALLY want to do what you just suggested? 
Or would you secretly indulge in the pleasure of simply being by yourself - something that others call - being lonely hahaha


----------



## Laurentium

TXTrini said:


> Were you thinking "hot dog"? 😆


I was thinking "awwwww". Which is not a good reaction to a possible partner.


----------



## TXTrini

Laurentium said:


> I was thinking "awwwww". Which is not a good reaction to a possible partner.


You missed my joke. No worries though 😆


----------



## TXTrini

RandomDude said:


> Yes, because I was not sure at the time. I have been swirling like a whirlwind lol
> 
> And yeah hell, you're my twin personality on TAM - apparently. Do you REALLY want to do what you just suggested?
> Or would you secretly indulge in the pleasure of simply being by yourself - something that others call - being lonely hahaha


No I don't, but I'm further along the road than you are atm, so just trying to give you a view of the other side, as hope and encouragement.


----------



## RandomDude

TXTrini said:


> No I don't, but I'm further along the road than you are atm, so just trying to give you a view of the other side, as hope and encouragement.


Thanks, but I have a view of it, I visit it every morning with ms crutch, or should I call her ms window now? Or ms mirror? 
I guess I asked for hope but I realised now I seemed to have lost the desire, let alone hope lol

The roads that people tell me about, both on TAM and offline, are roads I've walked before. I'm bored of it now. At least the dumbsh-t type of love was still available to me 4 years ago, now I tried that. So what else is there?  Dumbsh-t love can't be done twice it seems. I liked dumbsh-t love! Bah!


----------



## TXTrini

RandomDude said:


> Thanks, but I have a view of it, I visit it every morning with ms crutch, or should I call her ms window now? Or ms mirror?
> I guess I asked for hope but I realised now I seemed to have lost the desire, let alone hope lol
> 
> The roads that people tell me about, both on TAM and offline, are roads I've walked before. I'm bored of it now. At least the dumbsh-t type of love was still available to me 4 years ago, now I tried that. So what else is there?  Dumbsh-t love can't be done twice it seems. I liked dumbsh-t love! Bah!


The two of you don't sound like you're doing each other any favors except in keeping each other than company in misery, honestly. I know you may have a negative view of therapists b/c of your mom, but have you thought of getting some? It really helped me find perspective and made me really assess myself.


----------



## RandomDude

TXTrini said:


> The two of you don't sound like you're doing each other any favors except in keeping each other than company in misery, honestly. I know you may have a negative view of therapists b/c of your mom, but have you thought of getting some? It really helped me find perspective and made me really assess myself.


We're just friends who both happen to be attracted to each other but neither really ready - or in my case, capable - for what we know we both expect from one another.

Attraction is no longer really enough for me. I have counselling as well, but this is just what I'm becoming it seems. It's not a bad thing - I would be in a far worse state if not for ms crutch. At least she helped me find myself again.


----------



## RebuildingMe

So right about now I am feeling like Tom Hanks in “Money Pit”. $8000 today on a new cesspool? WTF? I woke up in such a good mood and now this….ugh.


----------



## joannacroc

RebuildingMe said:


> So right about now I am feeling like Tom Hanks in “Money Pit”. $8000 today on a new cesspool? WTF? I woke up in such a good mood and now this….ugh.


Yeah home ownership sucks sometimes. My first year in my current house the boiler and the air conditioner both needed to be replaced.


----------



## Livvie

RebuildingMe said:


> So right about now I am feeling like Tom Hanks in “Money Pit”. $8000 today on a new cesspool? WTF? I woke up in such a good mood and now this….ugh.


Sorry about that. Do you mean leach field for a septic system? -- as they call it in my area.

You just bought the house. Did this not show up in inspection? Contact your realtor. I think you might have recourse in having the sellers pay for some of it!! Also, some realtors have a 30 day insurance against this kind of thing for all sales. Call your realtor!

Let me know what happens!


----------



## Enigma32

RebuildingMe said:


> So right about now I am feeling like Tom Hanks in “Money Pit”. $8000 today on a new cesspool? WTF? I woke up in such a good mood and now this….ugh.


If at all possible, try to hire a home inspector that you know personally, or someone that is recommended by someone you trust 100%. There has always been the running scam with inspectors that they show up, take the seller's bribe, and don't even bother to look at the house.


----------



## RandomDude

Enigma32 said:


> If at all possible, try to hire a home inspector that you know personally, or someone that is recommended by someone you trust 100%. There has always been the running scam with inspectors that they show up, take the seller's bribe, and don't even bother to look at the house.


People are fking shtheads really, if they can get away with it, they will. Here in Aus a couple lost their life savings bc the bank were dragging their feet and the home owners just absorbed their deposit and resold the place for a million more, ignoring their pleas to have their deposit returned.









Couple loses dream home after settlement bungle


A Queensland couple is reeling from the loss of their dream home, and tens of thousands in deposit money, a...




www.9news.com.au





But nooo, the sellers - perfectly within legal rights to keep their life savings... hope they die early fking c---s!
If it wasn't for the media the bank wouldn't have given a flying F either. Don't expect humanity when money is involved. People are fking scum. That story just pissed me off really.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Enigma32 said:


> If at all possible, try to hire a home inspector that you know personally, or someone that is recommended by someone you trust 100%. There has always been the running scam with inspectors that they show up, take the seller's bribe, and don't even bother to look at the house.


I had a home inspection and he missed this. I'm making a claim with his E&O carrier.


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## RandomDude

RebuildingMe said:


> I had a home inspection and he missed this. I'm making a claim with his E&O carrier.


YES


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## TXTrini

RebuildingMe said:


> I had a home inspection and he missed this. I'm making a claim with his E&O carrier.


I'm so sorry you have to deal with this crap off the bat. I have to say I had a really good inspector, so I've been prepared for everything that needs to be done. Mostly... we had a freak storm last spring that damaged my roof badly and I have to replace it, it was only 5yrs old.


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## RebuildingMe

Livvie said:


> Sorry about that. Do you mean leach field for a septic system? -- as they call it in my area.
> 
> You just bought the house. Did this not show up in inspection? Contact your realtor. I think you might have recourse in having the sellers pay for some of it!! Also, some realtors have a 30 day insurance against this kind of thing for all sales. Call your realtor!
> 
> Let me know what happens!


Absolutely. He missed this during the inspection. He's going to claim he doesn't check septic systems, but everything was not draining. We have buried cesspools here on Long Island. If he let the showers run for more than 15 minutes, we would have known there was an issue. I'm making against his carrier.


----------



## RebuildingMe

TXTrini said:


> I'm so sorry you have to deal with this crap off the bat. I have to say I had a really good inspector, so I've been prepared for everything that needs to be done. Mostly... we had a freak storm last spring that damaged my roof badly and I have to replace it, it was only 5yrs old.


None of this crap is nearly as bad as the marriage was, so I'm prepared for anything life throws my way.


----------



## Enigma32

RebuildingMe said:


> Absolutely. He missed this during the inspection. He's going to claim he doesn't check septic systems, but everything was not draining. We have buried cesspools here on Long Island. If he let the showers run for more than 15 minutes, we would have known there was an issue. I'm making against his carrier.


That's how they operate. My dad's best friend back in the day was a home inspector and he didn't even know the first thing about homes. He literally just took his bribes and went home. It was one of those things where he needed a job and took whatever he could. When he showed up to inspect his first home, they bribed him right away. He said it kinda was how they did things. I went on to work in construction myself when I was younger and I saw some shady stuff too. If it is something they can claim they overlooked, they will do it. Cheaper to pay an inspector $500 to miss something than it is to pay $5000 to replace it.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Enigma32 said:


> That's how they operate. My dad's best friend back in the day was a home inspector and he didn't even know the first thing about homes. He literally just took his bribes and went home. It was one of those things where he needed a job and took whatever he could. When he showed up to inspect his first home, they bribed him right away. He said it kinda was how they did things. I went on to work in construction myself when I was younger and I saw some shady stuff too. If it is something they can claim they overlooked, they will do it. Cheaper to pay an inspector $500 to miss something than it is to pay $5000 to replace it.


Correct. He took my ability to negotiate (something I do for a living) right out of my hands. I can't negotiate something I don't know about. I'm sure the sellers would have bypassed me and went on to the next buyer or an all cash offer, but at least I would have had the option to walk away from the deal. I have no evidence that he was "paid off". He was just lazy and not good at his job.


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## TXTrini

RebuildingMe said:


> None of this crap is nearly as bad as the marriage was, so I'm prepared for anything life throws my way.


That's a great attitude! I'm grateful I no longer have to coax someone else into dealing with **** as it happens anymore to salve their ego, it's so very freeing. Good luck with the claim!


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## RebuildingMe

TXTrini said:


> That's a great attitude! I'm grateful I no longer have to coax someone else into dealing with **** as it happens anymore to salve their ego, it's so very freeing. Good luck with the claim!


Grateful, yes that’s a great word. I’m grateful to be in my own home. We’re grateful to be out of crappy marriages.

The claim won’t be easy, but hopefully they’ll pay some of it. There are “disclaimers” all over his inspection report.


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## jlg07

When I was looking at houses decades ago, i made sure i spoke with the inspector and i met him at the house at went through everything with him.


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## RandomDude

RebuildingMe said:


> Grateful, yes that’s a great word. I’m grateful to be in my own home. We’re grateful to be out of crappy marriages.
> 
> The claim won’t be easy, but hopefully they’ll pay some of it.* There are “disclaimers” all over his inspection report.*


_#$&_@&[email protected]!!!


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## RandomDude

Merry xmas guys! 

...


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## LisaDiane

RandomDude said:


> But have you loved someone just as deeply before? I'm curious as it's not enough that I love again, I feel I must love better or not at all.


YES...I did as well. I loved my first husband with all my heart, and then I fully and unreservedly loved my second husband with all my heart, and was devoted to making him happy. I never held back, I never made him jump through hoops...either of them. I just LOVED them and gave myself to them.

And I totally expect that I will love my next partner just as much, because....THAT is how I love someone, I don't hold back, I don't make conditions. I might hide a little (or try to...Lol!!) until I'm sure he loves me too, but if I feel secure with a guy, he gets my WHOLE heart. Until he throws it back at me over and over.

But that capacity to love that way -- deeply and unreservedly -- doesn't come from the other person...it comes from WITHIN ME. I have that capacity, and once I find someone who wants me to love him like that, I will want to give him that love too.

I intend to be cautious and prudent, and not give my heart away to a guy who doesn't genuinely want it or ME...but I don't intend to hold myself back from loving someone as much as I can when I feel like he wants to love and connect with me that way too.

The ability to love that way is IN YOU too...it's in ALL of us!


----------



## LisaDiane

RandomDude said:


> Merry xmas guys!
> 
> ...


Lolol!!!! SOOOOO CUTE!!!!!


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## Numb26

Another episode from the dating trenches.....

Her: I always eat off of my date's plate. Establishes dominance.

Me: He should sneak out and leave you will the bill. Establishes consequences


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## RandomDude

LisaDiane said:


> YES...I did as well. I loved my first husband with all my heart, and then I fully and unreservedly loved my second husband with all my heart, and was devoted to making him happy. I never held back, I never made him jump through hoops...either of them. I just LOVED them and gave myself to them.
> 
> And I totally expect that I will love my next partner just as much, because....THAT is how I love someone, I don't hold back, I don't make conditions. I might hide a little (or try to...Lol!!) until I'm sure he loves me too, but if I feel secure with a guy, he gets my WHOLE heart. Until he throws it back at me over and over.
> 
> But that capacity to love that way -- deeply and unreservedly -- doesn't come from the other person...it comes from WITHIN ME. I have that capacity, and once I find someone who wants me to love him like that, I will want to give him that love too.
> 
> I intend to be cautious and prudent, and not give my heart away to a guy who doesn't genuinely want it or ME...but I don't intend to hold myself back from loving someone as much as I can when I feel like he wants to love and connect with me that way too.
> 
> The ability to love that way is IN YOU too...it's in ALL of us!


I think I am just disillusioned because I can't see myself going through the motions again. It's just nothing new, and nothing new means no new adventures and hence no new memories, rather just be alone. I think ms crutch being rather normal isn't helping in this as she seems to be more a window to the past than the future despite being a window of hope. For the future if I am to find love again I believe it has to be radically different and beyond reality. Also as much as my entire love life coupled me up with extroverts, I don't think I can go back to anything that reminds me of that, yet even then I can't feel chemistry to women who don't happen to be my opposite, like the first date with ms INTP. Also had enough of needy types, seriously both substantial relationships were with women who needed more love than I could give, and it seems to have drained me to the point of negative association. Yet I've realised it's these needy types that softened me up. Those who have a more secure attachment style I see them as "oh, they have everything together, nothing I can give" kinda thing. I guess I didn't think of "oh, new problem they want more than I can give" lol

I guess I'm just done, if it happens it happens but realistically I don't see a future in this, hence I am formulating my life to be lived without a partner. In the end the reason why the last breakup shook me to the core is because I opened up completely to someone and she was my best friend. All eggs on that basket as I can't open up like that with anyone else and it took me 32 years before I found someone with the right 'wavelength'. Not only since finding myself again did I realise I can't open up in such a manner again, I'm even less trusting than I was. My desire and needs are so meh now so I'm letting myself go and just going to live out the rest of my days in peace I guess. Strange letting myself go though I lost all my chubby weight over the months and I look like 10 yrs younger, no joke. No one can believe me on my birthday. I don't even believe it. Fat adds age for me. Deceptive, I'm a young looking broken old man probably why ms crutch won't let me go for now despite not having anything for her either than flirting and company.

But I do dream, what lies beyond reality is a companion who is not only in the right wavelength, but we can delve into the depths of each other's imagination. Ex was quite close to that, she had an imagination, but an extrovert's attention span 🤦‍♂️ So yeah, who knows. If stars realign for me again, yay, but twice a lifetime is too much to ask. I deal with category 5s - soulmate material from now on, I will not compromise on chemistry OR compatibility. I won't tolerate red flags anymore and I'd rather be alone (I knew there was a side of her she keeps to herself and she is a good liar, I don't think she fully lied to me but she was not completely honest either, I should have trusted my instincts and NEVER got that engagement ring). Then I wake up from such a dream, and here I am. I have no need to settle for anyone.


----------



## Hopeful Cynic

I hear you RDude. I'm busy living my life as I like it, a fully independent person with no need for a partner. I'm not spending my limited energy hunting for something optional. If happenstance gives me someone exceptional, that would be awesome, but I'm not going to count on it. It's quite liberating.


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## RandomDude

Hopeful Cynic said:


> I hear you RDude. I'm busy living my life as I like it, a fully independent person with no need for a partner. I'm not spending my limited energy hunting for something optional. If happenstance gives me someone exceptional, that would be awesome, but I'm not going to count on it. It's quite liberating.


Yup, it's a place of peace. Took me four months but I think I've mostly come to terms with everything. 
Four years / four months recovery, sounds about right, some scars but just another story to tell.

But of course, just as the brave new world is around the corner, my country gets wrecked by 'Rona 3.0, or 5.0 whatever
Bah!


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## RandomDude

Happy new year guys, erm 2022 edition? Anybody?


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## joannacroc

2022 update: was chatting with someone from online and getting ready to meet for first date this week and he expressed the hope that it would be overnight. Wasn't sure what to say politely but just said that I wasn't comfortable spending the night with someone I just met and that if he wanted to cancel I understood but that I hoped he wouldn't as he seemed like a cool person and I was looking forward to getting to know him. Radio silence. Lol. He was one of like 5 people I have come across online who I was attracted to, felt like we had some common interests and values. Oh well. Plenty to keep me busy lately which is good. Maybe dating is not for me anymore. Time to sign up for another running event lol I got to keep busy.


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## jlg07

joannacroc said:


> 2022 update: was chatting with someone from online and getting ready to meet for first date this week and he expressed the hope that it would be overnight. Wasn't sure what to say politely but just said that I wasn't comfortable spending the night with someone I just met and that if he wanted to cancel I understood but that I hoped he wouldn't as he seemed like a cool person and I was looking forward to getting to know him. Radio silence. Lol. He was one of like 5 people I have come across online who I was attracted to, felt like we had some common interests and values. Oh well. Plenty to keep me busy lately which is good. Maybe dating is not for me anymore. Time to sign up for another running event lol I got to keep busy.


What the hell is wrong with people these days. Does EVERYTHING have to be rushed? What ever happened to learning about someone and see if you are compatible before the sheets get turned down.
The oversexualization of EVERYTHING in our world has cheapened the act so much....


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## joannacroc

jlg07 said:


> What the hell is wrong with people these days. Does EVERYTHING have to be rushed? What ever happened to learning about someone and see if you are compatible before the sheets get turned down.
> The oversexualization of EVERYTHING in our world has cheapened the act so much....


I mean...I'm ok with the act being cheapened a bit lol. I just am not down with going home with someone I literally just met. No judgment if that's what he wanted. It just kind of threw me off guard. What if he met me and was like "ugh. Hideous. " Would he still have attempted to go home? Lol I don't know. I am out of touch and old fashioned OR we just wanted different things or both.


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## bobert

joannacroc said:


> What if he met me and was like "ugh. Hideous. " Would he still have attempted to go home?


Depends how desperate he is, how long it has been, if he just wants to check some trait off the list, etc... 

Hit it and quit it...


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## TXTrini

joannacroc said:


> 2022 update: was chatting with someone from online and getting ready to meet for first date this week and he expressed the hope that it would be overnight. Wasn't sure what to say politely but just said that I wasn't comfortable spending the night with someone I just met and that if he wanted to cancel I understood but that I hoped he wouldn't as he seemed like a cool person and I was looking forward to getting to know him. Radio silence. Lol. He was one of like 5 people I have come across online who I was attracted to, felt like we had some common interests and values. Oh well. Plenty to keep me busy lately which is good. Maybe dating is not for me anymore. Time to sign up for another running event lol I got to keep busy.


Sorry joannacroc! At least you called him out immediately and can move on to someone like-minded.


----------



## RebuildingMe

joannacroc said:


> I mean...I'm ok with the act being cheapened a bit lol. I just am not down with going home with someone I literally just met. No judgment if that's what he wanted. It just kind of threw me off guard. What if he met me and was like "ugh. Hideous. " Would he still have attempted to go home? Lol I don't know. I am out of touch and old fashioned OR we just wanted different things or both.


Listen, I don’t begrudge him for wanting sex, but to literally come out and basically ask for it before you’ve even met in person is just crazy. I hope you didn’t waste too much time with that one. What site are you using? Some are known to be hookup sites or for swingers.


----------



## joannacroc

RebuildingMe said:


> Listen, I don’t begrudge him for wanting sex, but to literally come out and basically ask for it before you’ve even met in person is just crazy. I hope you didn’t waste too much time with that one. What site are you using? Some are known to be hookup sites or for swingers.


Yeah, I hear ya. He seemed normal and funny on first (virtual) aquaintance but how much can you really tell about someone through superficial chitchat. That's why I kind of wanted to meet in person but probably good we didn't waste each other's time. Match?


----------



## RebuildingMe

joannacroc said:


> Yeah, I hear ya. He seemed normal and funny on first (virtual) aquaintance but how much can you really tell about someone through superficial chitchat. That's why I kind of wanted to meet in person but probably good we didn't waste each other's time. Match?


Ugh, glad you didn’t waste too much headspace on that critter. Match is not a “hook up” site, so that wasn’t the issue.


----------



## TXTrini

RebuildingMe said:


> Ugh, glad you didn’t waste too much headspace on that critter. Match is not a “hook up” site, so that wasn’t the issue.


You'd be surprised. The dude who tried to lecture me that humans were nonmonogamous was on Match.


----------



## RebuildingMe

TXTrini said:


> You'd be surprised. The dude who tried to lecture me that humans were nonmonogamous was on Match.


Creeps are everywhere. So are gold diggers, liars, cheats and everything in between. It’s just our responsibility to weed them out as early as possible.


----------



## RandomDude

Well, I ended 2021 in mourning but started 2022 feeling like a new person. It seems to be an emotional shift lately, my heart and thoughts are moving on. I have forgotten much about ex and all the perks of a relationship yet I feel complete without it having found myself again. I normally test my own feelings for someone by imagining something bad happening to them if I would be devastated or indifferent, with ex months ago I couldn't even hold the thought, it was that painful to even imagine. Yet now - I'm indifferent, I don't even care! Not for who she is now anyway, the feelings are different when I think about who she was in our first year or who I thought she was. Kinda depressing how our love died like that but it had to eventually right? I look back at the memories and feel differently, like any fond memory with a good friend or my other exs. Thats it. 

Even though I fell for someone it's still like any other breakup, nothing special, also kinda depressing. Overrated! Quoting corpse bride's song - overrated by a mile, overbearing, overblown!

Guess I've moved on. Unsure how it shifted but anyway... in other news, I'm really enjoying the banter, videos, photos, and flirting with ms crutch but I'm so done with her type for dating. No more extroverts for me I'm too bored with years of intro/extro dynamics both with ex wife and ex gf. I'm enjoying the attention along with the distance though lol. For the future if I eventually decide to be bothered I'm intrigued by the prospect of exploring a romance with a fellow introvert, if I ever feel a spark with one. The more extreme introvert the better I am curious. Also going to dump naggers and complainers on sight, I'm going to be the one who decides if I'm good enough from now on, never surrendering this power to anyone ever again. My energy level is returning and either than my curiousity I am finding happiness alone. Knowing I loved with all my heart and no regrets has ticked the box off from my to do list and I ask myself if I would be happy without it?

Hell yes!

Four years ago I was in conflict with myself over the independent me not wanting to be vulnerable, cherishing independence and freedom, the other side longing for companionship and the dream of being in love. Now both sides grew up, satisfied and they both somehow got what they want in the end, neither side wondering about the what ifs, cause it all happened. I feel more liberated than ever.

So happy 2022 fellas! And someone make the thread already so we can all put this sh-t year behind us!


----------



## TXTrini

RandomDude said:


> Well, I ended 2021 in mourning but started 2022 feeling like a new person. It seems to be an emotional shift lately, my heart and thoughts are moving on. I have forgotten much about ex and all the perks of a relationship yet I feel complete without it having found myself again. I normally test my own feelings for someone by imagining something bad happening to them if I would be devastated or indifferent, with ex months ago I couldn't even hold the thought, it was that painful to even imagine. Yet now - I'm indifferent, I don't even care! Not for who she is now anyway, the feelings are different when I think about who she was in our first year or who I thought she was. Kinda depressing how our love died like that but it had to eventually right? I look back at the memories and feel differently, like any fond memory with a good friend or my other exs. Thats it.
> 
> Even though I fell for someone it's still like any other breakup, nothing special, also kinda depressing. Overrated! Quoting corpse bride's song - overrated by a mile, overbearing, overblown!
> 
> Guess I've moved on. Unsure how it shifted but anyway... in other news, I'm really enjoying the banter, videos, photos, and flirting with ms crutch but I'm so done with her type for dating. No more extroverts for me I'm too bored with years of intro/extro dynamics both with ex wife and ex gf. I'm enjoying the attention along with the distance though lol. For the future if I eventually decide to be bothered I'm intrigued by the prospect of exploring a romance with a fellow introvert, if I ever feel a spark with one. The more extreme introvert the better I am curious. Also going to dump naggers and complainers on sight, I'm going to be the one who decides if I'm good enough from now on, never surrendering this power to anyone ever again. My energy level is returning and either than my curiousity I am finding happiness alone. Knowing I loved with all my heart and no regrets has ticked the box off from my to do list and I ask myself if I would be happy without it?
> 
> Hell yes!
> 
> Four years ago I was in conflict with myself over the independent me not wanting to be vulnerable, cherishing independence and freedom, the other side longing for companionship and the dream of being in love. Now both sides grew up, satisfied and they both somehow got what they want in the end, neither side wondering about the what ifs, cause it all happened. I feel more liberated than ever.
> 
> So happy 2022 fellas! And someone make the thread already so we can all put this sh-t year behind us!


Good to see you looking at the positives and moving forward.

Why don't you make the new thread? You are single


----------



## Enigma32

joannacroc said:


> I mean...I'm ok with the act being cheapened a bit lol. I just am not down with going home with someone I literally just met. No judgment if that's what he wanted. It just kind of threw me off guard. *What if he met me and was like "ugh. Hideous.* " Would he still have attempted to go home? Lol I don't know. I am out of touch and old fashioned OR we just wanted different things or both.


Nah. Most likely he would go through with the overnight thing and then just ghost you later. The cycle of OLD plays out this way.


----------



## RandomDude

TXTrini said:


> Why don't you make the new thread? You are single


Really? The answer lies in several pages of recent discussion, something to do with 'verts...


----------



## TXTrini

RandomDude said:


> Really? The answer lies in several pages of recent discussion, something to do with 'verts...


Well, you ain't coupled up and are dating, so yes, really!

Do eet do deet do eet!
_waits for additional peer pressure_


----------



## Livvie

TXTrini said:


> Well, you ain't coupled up and are dating, so yes, really!
> 
> Do eet do deet do eet!
> _waits for additional peer pressure_


If he doesn't want to, I will.


----------



## TXTrini

Livvie said:


> If he doesn't want to, I will.


Oooowwwweeee! Does that mean a certain someone is thinking of dishing  

Can't wait!


----------



## Livvie

TXTrini said:


> Oooowwwweeee! Does that mean a certain someone is thinking of dishing
> 
> Can't wait!


I've had a weird dating experience lately!


----------



## TXTrini

So make the thread and tell us about it!


----------



## Elizabeth001

I think I’m out guys. This is the only thread I follow now and I’m really feeling the need to move forward. A new thread and a new year just might be the perfect timing. 

Good luck to everyone 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## TXTrini

Elizabeth001 said:


> I think I’m out guys. This is the only thread I follow now and I’m really feeling the need to move forward. A new thread and a new year just might be the perfect timing.
> 
> Good luck to everyone
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Sad to see you go, Elizabeth. Take care of yourself and good luck!


----------



## RebuildingMe

Elizabeth001 said:


> I think I’m out guys. This is the only thread I follow now and I’m really feeling the need to move forward. A new thread and a new year just might be the perfect timing.
> 
> Good luck to everyone
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


We don’t always see eye to eye (probably a gender thing). Good luck Liz! I truly hope you have an awesome year!


----------



## MattMatt

Zombie Cat's cousin, June, the Dancing cat, would like to invite you to move to this thread








Singles of TAM 2022 Edition


Happy 2022 singles (and coupled or married visitors to this thread)!!




www.talkaboutmarriage.com


----------

