# Is love about sex?



## Rebh (Apr 30, 2020)

So while having sex the last few times my husband is asking me questions like when was the first time you swallowed cum tell me the biggest **** you saw i really want to hear it and won't get mad.... I said I'm not saying anything because I don't want it to come back to me.... is it normal for men to ask these questions and be happy with answer? Do you want to hear about your wife ***king other men in the past??


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It's fairly normal, I'd say, but not every man wants to know, and some who think they want to know can't handle the answers (sometimes long after they've been heard). Only you can decide - based on his personality and reactions to other things he's heard about your or others - if this is sincere curiosity or an unhealthy focus. I know the answers to many such questions, and it does not bother me at all. (We've had an open relationship, and have been involved in swinging, so sometimes we've been there to _see_ the answers to such things.) It really comes down to attitude.


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## Rebh (Apr 30, 2020)

Thanks we are open and honest with each other have had several threesomes but all were women.... guess I got some thinking to do. Thanks!


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I can say for all men. I"m only married to one. My husband has never asked me those quesitons. In the long past dating scene none of the men asked me that.


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## mrs brady (May 3, 2020)

Rebh said:


> So while having sex the last few times my husband is asking me questions like when was the first time you swallowed cum tell me the biggest **** you saw i really want to hear it and won't get mad.... I said I'm not saying anything because I don't want it to come back to me.... is it normal for men to ask these questions and be happy with answer? Do you want to hear about your wife ***king other men in the past??


He is trying to stimulate the relationship sexually. I would make up something and feed his need.


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

I would be careful with this. While it may seem like he's just wanting to get off on your past, it could come back to haunt you. So what seems like a harmless thing that he enjoys hearing during sex could really hurt him and he could use it against you. What I'm trying to say is that when he's having sex with you, it might arouse him to think of you as a "sl**" . But outside of the sexual arousal games with this, he might see it very differently and it could haunt him (and in the end, you). You can't "unsay" something once you've disclosed it and once it gets into his head, it's there forever.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

I've never told my husband about my sexual past, at all..dating guys, yes...but not that; he's told me a little about his past, but very checkered. they say they want to hear it, but I don't believe they do. I wouldn't answer those questions.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

To me, as a H, that would be a no, don't answer that because as mentioned that's not something that can be unsaid. 

But each to their own. He may be one that this will never come back to bite you in the a$$. 

If he's doing this to stimulate sex time then tell him clearly you're into talking dirty for him and but insist he acknowledge he understands that you'll be making things up, giving him a good story as you answer and talk like a "****" for him.

He'll still enjoy it the same if he's just spicing things up.

If he's doing other than that then that's a question only for you.


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## Rebh (Apr 30, 2020)

So how to start... my husband and I are together 16 years married for 6 we had great time but there has always been something off... We were only 19&24 when we meet. My husband has a really high sex drive like he's 16... I have a normal sex drive we have sex 3/4 times a week sometimes more or less depending on week. He always want to talk about his fantasies wanting other women or people watching making a video talking about me and men I've been with in the past... we got into a huge fight within the 1st year of being together he was still sleeping with other women at the beginning as we weren't official.... when I found out we fought.... he always want me to talk about other people's d*_is and I don't love doing this but do sometimes so when we were fighting he kept saying I know you've seen bigger... my husband is hung well so he has should have pen*_ envy issues. So I then told him I saw bigger. It was a big fight!! Then we made up... We have had at least 4 threesomes with only women throughout the years... now we have 2 kids under 7 and we still dwell over all the sex he wants and need this will go on all day sometimes.... for some reason now 16 years later he is having a problem with me saying I saw bigger and is agree towards me about it I told him I made it up as I did but no now he says I don't trust you I never have you lie a lot he wants to know my whole sexual past... I feel like these days I'm worrying about my husband's sex life more than my kids... he had a really bad nigt almost 3 months ago, drinking his life away i had to call cops and all.... so now he dosnt drink and beace of this he fells like i should give him much more praise for fallowing throw "sex" but he like to have makeup sex these dsys so he makes us both angree and then a night when kids are sleeping this is his way of fixing things..... i dont want to have sex when i mad.... I'm so lost and the worst part is our kids have to hear it all as were all stuck in house right now!! Thanks for listening! What would you do?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Your husband may be struggling with a combination of low self esteem and fear of abandonment. Low self esteem will make him feel as though he can't make you happy and that he will never be enough for you. Perhaps he needs to validate this by asking about your previous partners and/or exploring with an open marriage to validate his notion that other people can make you happier than he does. Then if you choose to stay with him despite that, it can create a sexual euphoria that you still choose to be with him for reasons he can not validate other than with more sex.

Low self esteem can also create a high sex drive in some people. As if it is the only way to measure and validate that other people accept you. So if your husband has stopped drinking, perhaps he feels as if you should be more accepting of him and that the only way to validate this is with more praise and/or sex. Awkwardly this may be a good thing in that his self esteem feels more deserving of love, but yet one still has to deal with the fact that no one is entitled to love.

In my opinion you may want to help him work on his self esteem. The best way to do this is to try and find a way to let him do that for you. Perhaps come up with a genuine reason you struggle with your own self esteem and ask him to try and help you with that. If he is able to help you, choose that as a reason to be happier and attribute his help as something that made you happy. Doing that will actually help his self esteem and he will begin to feel more secure in the relationship. AND you might enjoy allowing him to help you. Choose a mostly inert topic like cooking or knowing what movies to choose. Ask him for help. But do so with the notion that you are actually helping him and be patient with the process. 

As far as things go in the bedroom... some degree of maintenance sex (like agreeing to a schedule or frequency) can also alleviate stress associated with intimacy. If you don't want to have sex when you are mad, scheduling can help. Perhaps it takes away a little passion of the moment, but it is a skill building process that mostly helps attribute intimacy to being patient for one another as opposed to struggling with impatience and feelings of low self esteem when it does not happen naturally. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

@badsanta has great insight there.



Rebh said:


> for some reason now 16 years later he is having a problem with me saying I saw bigger


In bygone days, telling a guy this was roughly equivalent to telling him your child isn't his. Today, he can prove to a 5-nine certainty that the child is, or is not, his. So that statement can be overcome with irrefutable proof..

However, telling him you "saw bigger" cannot be proven. So, it is likely that 30 years later, he'll still have a problem. You'll never convince him that you "made it up". Unfortunately, this is "toothpaste out of the tube".....


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

This whole bigger smaller thing esp for a hung guy, and really any normal, is just silly. 

I honestly think he really has issues. Like Santa said, self-esteem, or maybe too much porn, to much looking at porn star cocks, all of that. 

The question is, how does she get him to BEGIN to understand that he is just getting too weird. 

Somehow, if possible, she has to get him to therapy, probably sex therapy. 

But one problem is, he does not think there is a problem. I mean she has given him several threesomes, and I don't know if she even likes girls or if it is all just for him. 

Further, he seems to be getting out to maybe some type of hotwifing or cuckolding or something like that. With his insecurity that is probably poring gasoline on a fire...

He need a reality check and some therapy....


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Rebh said:


> So how to start... my husband and I are together 16 years married for 6 we had great time but there has always been something off... We were only 19&24 when we meet. My husband has a really high sex drive like he's 16... I have a normal sex drive we have sex 3/4 times a week sometimes more or less depending on week. He always want to talk about his fantasies wanting other women or people watching making a video talking about me and men I've been with in the past... we got into a huge fight within the 1st year of being together he was still sleeping with other women at the beginning as we weren't official.... when I found out we fought.... he always want me to talk about other people's d*_is and I don't love doing this but do sometimes so when we were fighting he kept saying I know you've seen bigger... my husband is hung well so he has should have pen*_ envy issues. So I then told him I saw bigger. It was a big fight!! Then we made up... We have had at least 4 threesomes with only women throughout the years... now we have 2 kids under 7 and we still dwell over all the sex he wants and need this will go on all day sometimes.... for some reason now 16 years later he is having a problem with me saying I saw bigger and is agree towards me about it I told him I made it up as I did but no now he says I don't trust you I never have you lie a lot he wants to know my whole sexual past... I feel like these days I'm worrying about my husband's sex life more than my kids... he had a really bad nigt almost 3 months ago, drinking his life away i had to call cops and all.... so now he dosnt drink and beace of this he fells like i should give him much more praise for fallowing throw "sex" but he like to have makeup sex these dsys so he makes us both angree and then a night when kids are sleeping this is his way of fixing things..... i dont want to have sex when i mad.... I'm so lost and the worst part is our kids have to hear it all as were all stuck in house right now!! Thanks for listening! What would you do?


Sounds pretty messed up. 
Be sure and pass all that healthy sexuality on to the kids. 
Nothing more healthy than 4-somes. 
I do not know how you repair a dysfunctional mess. 
Your hubby sounds like he's seen like 10,000 hours of porn or something. 
You do not get those types of appetites unless you've lived in the world of porn to warp what you want with your wife. 
No advice. I do not know what to suggest.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Does he watch porn? How often?


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Rebh said:


> So while having sex the last few times my husband is asking me questions like when was the first time you swallowed cum tell me the biggest **** you saw i really want to hear it and won't get mad.... I said I'm not saying anything because I don't want it to come back to me.... is it normal for men to ask these questions and be happy with answer? Do you want to hear about your wife ***king other men in the past??


My wife was a virgin.

The thought of her letting other men have her and do her would make me no longer want her. 

I have no idea why anyone would get their kicks hearing and visualizing this stuff. 
To each their own.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

hinterdir said:


> Sounds pretty messed up.
> Be sure and pass all that healthy sexuality on to the kids.
> Nothing more healthy than 4-somes.
> I do not know how you repair a dysfunctional mess.
> ...


Generally speaking in a marriage people associate someone using porn as a way to substitute or avoid intimacy. As in, "my husband never wants to be with me because he chooses watches porn instead."

Having said that, porn can exacerbate problems. Generally because it is used as a scapegoat and the real problems get overlooked and/or ignored.

The problem here is that the husband is trying to use "sex" to solve problems in the marriage and strengthen the relationship. As in, "we had a fight and now we have to have sex to fix it!" ...and generally that does not work. Perhaps it can alleviate a few things in the short term, but it will not solve the bigger underlying issues. 

To the original poster, in my opinion you should ignore comments about porn. Yes porn can be a problem, but any problematic use should be viewed as a symptom of other problems and not the source of a problem.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

badsanta said:


> Generally speaking in a marriage people associate someone using porn as a way to substitute or avoid intimacy. As in, "my husband never wants to be with me because he chooses watches porn instead."
> 
> Having said that, porn can exacerbate problems. Generally because it is used as a scapegoat and the real problems get overlooked and/or ignored.
> 
> ...


No I have to disagree... And understand I am not some "never porn" guy. I don't look at it a lot but I will sometimes when partner is not around and I may need to rub one out. 

However, it can cause problems. If we are to believe OP the her H is hung, which mean probably above average to pretty big. But we can assume that he is not porn star size or otherwise she would have said huge. 

My point is this, if this guy is watching a certain type of porn or BC porn he may not even understand that he is bigger than average. Which increases his insecurity that is stupid for him to have. 

So in that sense it can be a problem. But his overall attitude sounds kind of... well, stupid, or immature at the very least. 

I think he needs professional help...


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I would stop addressing the past penises and sex. He obviously can't handle talking about this. I would start responding. We have been together for 16 years. I don't remember the past men. Only you. Or bluntly, I don't want to talk about the past. 

It frankly isn't important. He seems like he is very insecure and just looking for something to fight about or something. Also his obsession with others, are you ok with that? 

I certainly wouldn't be trying to convince him one way or the other that you've seen bigger or not. Frankly unless you've went your whole life without watching any porn then you've seen bigger. But that isn't the point. The point is it doesn't matter it isn't really his business. He needs to grow up and address his marriage.

Are you feeling disconnected or bored with him? Do you feel as connect and in love with him now as 2 years ago? He may sense a change in your demeanor if something has changed and be trying to figure out what it is or displace the reason. It seems he has worsened his behavior of late and that would certainly change my daily feelings.

As for the fighting in front of the kids. Just stop. If he starts simply say. It isn't healthy to fight, I refuse to do that. If you want to calmly discuss this we can do that at *_* pm (after the kids go to bed). If he is talking sex and old boyfriends in front of the kids that is just wrong. I'd simply say this is unacceptable. This is an adult topic. Or if it is about bigger ****s. Simply say. I will not have this conversation again ever. Please stop bringing it up.

After giving a simple calm sentence about the appropriate with an alternate time you are willing to discuss then stop talking. IF needed leave the room. I'm sure your kids would love to play with you right at that moment.

As far as make up sex this is pavlov's dog. He gets you made, he gets sex. He wants more sex to he works to get you mad. Tonight if you aren't fighting sit down have a conversation about how appropriate times and talk are important. Emphasize you don't enjoy fighting but you really don't want many of these topics discussed around the kids. Let him know you will always be willing to talk with him but many of these topics need to be after the kids are in bed. Take this time to also let him know you like having sex with him but you aren't going to have make up sex anymore. Also let him know you don't want to fight anymore surely you can sit down and discuss things without fighting. Then stop having make up sex. 

You can also use it to train him some. IF he has a good day, doesn't drink, pick fights, or talk bout big ****s. At the end of the day say how nice the day was and then have very energetic sex..  It is sad that he can't act like a mature adult.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

mrs brady said:


> He is trying to stimulate the relationship sexually. I would make up something and feed his need.


Dear RBH; I agree with the above advice.

If you are feeling brave enough to handle it. You might sit down with your H and ask him if there is any kind of "dirty talk" or "role playing" he would like the two of you to try. Tell him you won't judge him or call him names (if you really can do this) and that you will not be judgemental. Tell him that you are his W and you want him to open and candid with you and that you can be trusted. Also say that there may be things he wants to do that your personal boundaries will not allow you to do, but you will listen, think about it, research it and see if there is something you can do that will at least give him the illusion of what he wants.

Good luck. If you want you could even try a "yes, no, maybe list" or have a few sessions with a sex therapist/marriage counselor.


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

Best to not disclose anything to a man about your sexual history. Let him wonder about all the huge penises, the volumes of semen and all the other things that on one hand he'll get aroused by and on the other hand, continually throw back in your face to insult you.


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## Rebh (Apr 30, 2020)

So while having sex the last few times my husband is asking me questions like when was the first time you swallowed cum tell me the biggest **** you saw i really want to hear it and won't get mad.... I said I'm not saying anything because I don't want it to come back to me.... is it normal for men to ask these questions and be happy with answer? Do you want to hear about your wife ***king other men in the past??


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It's fairly normal, I'd say, but not every man wants to know, and some who think they want to know can't handle the answers (sometimes long after they've been heard). Only you can decide - based on his personality and reactions to other things he's heard about your or others - if this is sincere curiosity or an unhealthy focus. I know the answers to many such questions, and it does not bother me at all. (We've had an open relationship, and have been involved in swinging, so sometimes we've been there to _see_ the answers to such things.) It really comes down to attitude.


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## Rebh (Apr 30, 2020)

Thanks we are open and honest with each other have had several threesomes but all were women.... guess I got some thinking to do. Thanks!


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I can say for all men. I"m only married to one. My husband has never asked me those quesitons. In the long past dating scene none of the men asked me that.


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## mrs brady (May 3, 2020)

Rebh said:


> So while having sex the last few times my husband is asking me questions like when was the first time you swallowed cum tell me the biggest **** you saw i really want to hear it and won't get mad.... I said I'm not saying anything because I don't want it to come back to me.... is it normal for men to ask these questions and be happy with answer? Do you want to hear about your wife ***king other men in the past??


He is trying to stimulate the relationship sexually. I would make up something and feed his need.


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

I would be careful with this. While it may seem like he's just wanting to get off on your past, it could come back to haunt you. So what seems like a harmless thing that he enjoys hearing during sex could really hurt him and he could use it against you. What I'm trying to say is that when he's having sex with you, it might arouse him to think of you as a "sl**" . But outside of the sexual arousal games with this, he might see it very differently and it could haunt him (and in the end, you). You can't "unsay" something once you've disclosed it and once it gets into his head, it's there forever.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

I've never told my husband about my sexual past, at all..dating guys, yes...but not that; he's told me a little about his past, but very checkered. they say they want to hear it, but I don't believe they do. I wouldn't answer those questions.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

To me, as a H, that would be a no, don't answer that because as mentioned that's not something that can be unsaid. 

But each to their own. He may be one that this will never come back to bite you in the a$$. 

If he's doing this to stimulate sex time then tell him clearly you're into talking dirty for him and but insist he acknowledge he understands that you'll be making things up, giving him a good story as you answer and talk like a "****" for him.

He'll still enjoy it the same if he's just spicing things up.

If he's doing other than that then that's a question only for you.


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## Rebh (Apr 30, 2020)

So how to start... my husband and I are together 16 years married for 6 we had great time but there has always been something off... We were only 19&24 when we meet. My husband has a really high sex drive like he's 16... I have a normal sex drive we have sex 3/4 times a week sometimes more or less depending on week. He always want to talk about his fantasies wanting other women or people watching making a video talking about me and men I've been with in the past... we got into a huge fight within the 1st year of being together he was still sleeping with other women at the beginning as we weren't official.... when I found out we fought.... he always want me to talk about other people's d*_is and I don't love doing this but do sometimes so when we were fighting he kept saying I know you've seen bigger... my husband is hung well so he has should have pen*_ envy issues. So I then told him I saw bigger. It was a big fight!! Then we made up... We have had at least 4 threesomes with only women throughout the years... now we have 2 kids under 7 and we still dwell over all the sex he wants and need this will go on all day sometimes.... for some reason now 16 years later he is having a problem with me saying I saw bigger and is agree towards me about it I told him I made it up as I did but no now he says I don't trust you I never have you lie a lot he wants to know my whole sexual past... I feel like these days I'm worrying about my husband's sex life more than my kids... he had a really bad nigt almost 3 months ago, drinking his life away i had to call cops and all.... so now he dosnt drink and beace of this he fells like i should give him much more praise for fallowing throw "sex" but he like to have makeup sex these dsys so he makes us both angree and then a night when kids are sleeping this is his way of fixing things..... i dont want to have sex when i mad.... I'm so lost and the worst part is our kids have to hear it all as were all stuck in house right now!! Thanks for listening! What would you do?


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Your husband may be struggling with a combination of low self esteem and fear of abandonment. Low self esteem will make him feel as though he can't make you happy and that he will never be enough for you. Perhaps he needs to validate this by asking about your previous partners and/or exploring with an open marriage to validate his notion that other people can make you happier than he does. Then if you choose to stay with him despite that, it can create a sexual euphoria that you still choose to be with him for reasons he can not validate other than with more sex.

Low self esteem can also create a high sex drive in some people. As if it is the only way to measure and validate that other people accept you. So if your husband has stopped drinking, perhaps he feels as if you should be more accepting of him and that the only way to validate this is with more praise and/or sex. Awkwardly this may be a good thing in that his self esteem feels more deserving of love, but yet one still has to deal with the fact that no one is entitled to love.

In my opinion you may want to help him work on his self esteem. The best way to do this is to try and find a way to let him do that for you. Perhaps come up with a genuine reason you struggle with your own self esteem and ask him to try and help you with that. If he is able to help you, choose that as a reason to be happier and attribute his help as something that made you happy. Doing that will actually help his self esteem and he will begin to feel more secure in the relationship. AND you might enjoy allowing him to help you. Choose a mostly inert topic like cooking or knowing what movies to choose. Ask him for help. But do so with the notion that you are actually helping him and be patient with the process. 

As far as things go in the bedroom... some degree of maintenance sex (like agreeing to a schedule or frequency) can also alleviate stress associated with intimacy. If you don't want to have sex when you are mad, scheduling can help. Perhaps it takes away a little passion of the moment, but it is a skill building process that mostly helps attribute intimacy to being patient for one another as opposed to struggling with impatience and feelings of low self esteem when it does not happen naturally. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

@badsanta has great insight there.



Rebh said:


> for some reason now 16 years later he is having a problem with me saying I saw bigger


In bygone days, telling a guy this was roughly equivalent to telling him your child isn't his. Today, he can prove to a 5-nine certainty that the child is, or is not, his. So that statement can be overcome with irrefutable proof..

However, telling him you "saw bigger" cannot be proven. So, it is likely that 30 years later, he'll still have a problem. You'll never convince him that you "made it up". Unfortunately, this is "toothpaste out of the tube".....


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

This whole bigger smaller thing esp for a hung guy, and really any normal, is just silly. 

I honestly think he really has issues. Like Santa said, self-esteem, or maybe too much porn, to much looking at porn star cocks, all of that. 

The question is, how does she get him to BEGIN to understand that he is just getting too weird. 

Somehow, if possible, she has to get him to therapy, probably sex therapy. 

But one problem is, he does not think there is a problem. I mean she has given him several threesomes, and I don't know if she even likes girls or if it is all just for him. 

Further, he seems to be getting out to maybe some type of hotwifing or cuckolding or something like that. With his insecurity that is probably poring gasoline on a fire...

He need a reality check and some therapy....


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Rebh said:


> So how to start... my husband and I are together 16 years married for 6 we had great time but there has always been something off... We were only 19&24 when we meet. My husband has a really high sex drive like he's 16... I have a normal sex drive we have sex 3/4 times a week sometimes more or less depending on week. He always want to talk about his fantasies wanting other women or people watching making a video talking about me and men I've been with in the past... we got into a huge fight within the 1st year of being together he was still sleeping with other women at the beginning as we weren't official.... when I found out we fought.... he always want me to talk about other people's d*_is and I don't love doing this but do sometimes so when we were fighting he kept saying I know you've seen bigger... my husband is hung well so he has should have pen*_ envy issues. So I then told him I saw bigger. It was a big fight!! Then we made up... We have had at least 4 threesomes with only women throughout the years... now we have 2 kids under 7 and we still dwell over all the sex he wants and need this will go on all day sometimes.... for some reason now 16 years later he is having a problem with me saying I saw bigger and is agree towards me about it I told him I made it up as I did but no now he says I don't trust you I never have you lie a lot he wants to know my whole sexual past... I feel like these days I'm worrying about my husband's sex life more than my kids... he had a really bad nigt almost 3 months ago, drinking his life away i had to call cops and all.... so now he dosnt drink and beace of this he fells like i should give him much more praise for fallowing throw "sex" but he like to have makeup sex these dsys so he makes us both angree and then a night when kids are sleeping this is his way of fixing things..... i dont want to have sex when i mad.... I'm so lost and the worst part is our kids have to hear it all as were all stuck in house right now!! Thanks for listening! What would you do?


Sounds pretty messed up. 
Be sure and pass all that healthy sexuality on to the kids. 
Nothing more healthy than 4-somes. 
I do not know how you repair a dysfunctional mess. 
Your hubby sounds like he's seen like 10,000 hours of porn or something. 
You do not get those types of appetites unless you've lived in the world of porn to warp what you want with your wife. 
No advice. I do not know what to suggest.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Does he watch porn? How often?


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Rebh said:


> So while having sex the last few times my husband is asking me questions like when was the first time you swallowed cum tell me the biggest **** you saw i really want to hear it and won't get mad.... I said I'm not saying anything because I don't want it to come back to me.... is it normal for men to ask these questions and be happy with answer? Do you want to hear about your wife ***king other men in the past??


My wife was a virgin.

The thought of her letting other men have her and do her would make me no longer want her. 

I have no idea why anyone would get their kicks hearing and visualizing this stuff. 
To each their own.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

hinterdir said:


> Sounds pretty messed up.
> Be sure and pass all that healthy sexuality on to the kids.
> Nothing more healthy than 4-somes.
> I do not know how you repair a dysfunctional mess.
> ...


Generally speaking in a marriage people associate someone using porn as a way to substitute or avoid intimacy. As in, "my husband never wants to be with me because he chooses watches porn instead."

Having said that, porn can exacerbate problems. Generally because it is used as a scapegoat and the real problems get overlooked and/or ignored.

The problem here is that the husband is trying to use "sex" to solve problems in the marriage and strengthen the relationship. As in, "we had a fight and now we have to have sex to fix it!" ...and generally that does not work. Perhaps it can alleviate a few things in the short term, but it will not solve the bigger underlying issues. 

To the original poster, in my opinion you should ignore comments about porn. Yes porn can be a problem, but any problematic use should be viewed as a symptom of other problems and not the source of a problem.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

badsanta said:


> Generally speaking in a marriage people associate someone using porn as a way to substitute or avoid intimacy. As in, "my husband never wants to be with me because he chooses watches porn instead."
> 
> Having said that, porn can exacerbate problems. Generally because it is used as a scapegoat and the real problems get overlooked and/or ignored.
> 
> ...


No I have to disagree... And understand I am not some "never porn" guy. I don't look at it a lot but I will sometimes when partner is not around and I may need to rub one out. 

However, it can cause problems. If we are to believe OP the her H is hung, which mean probably above average to pretty big. But we can assume that he is not porn star size or otherwise she would have said huge. 

My point is this, if this guy is watching a certain type of porn or BC porn he may not even understand that he is bigger than average. Which increases his insecurity that is stupid for him to have. 

So in that sense it can be a problem. But his overall attitude sounds kind of... well, stupid, or immature at the very least. 

I think he needs professional help...


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I would stop addressing the past penises and sex. He obviously can't handle talking about this. I would start responding. We have been together for 16 years. I don't remember the past men. Only you. Or bluntly, I don't want to talk about the past. 

It frankly isn't important. He seems like he is very insecure and just looking for something to fight about or something. Also his obsession with others, are you ok with that? 

I certainly wouldn't be trying to convince him one way or the other that you've seen bigger or not. Frankly unless you've went your whole life without watching any porn then you've seen bigger. But that isn't the point. The point is it doesn't matter it isn't really his business. He needs to grow up and address his marriage.

Are you feeling disconnected or bored with him? Do you feel as connect and in love with him now as 2 years ago? He may sense a change in your demeanor if something has changed and be trying to figure out what it is or displace the reason. It seems he has worsened his behavior of late and that would certainly change my daily feelings.

As for the fighting in front of the kids. Just stop. If he starts simply say. It isn't healthy to fight, I refuse to do that. If you want to calmly discuss this we can do that at *_* pm (after the kids go to bed). If he is talking sex and old boyfriends in front of the kids that is just wrong. I'd simply say this is unacceptable. This is an adult topic. Or if it is about bigger ****s. Simply say. I will not have this conversation again ever. Please stop bringing it up.

After giving a simple calm sentence about the appropriate with an alternate time you are willing to discuss then stop talking. IF needed leave the room. I'm sure your kids would love to play with you right at that moment.

As far as make up sex this is pavlov's dog. He gets you made, he gets sex. He wants more sex to he works to get you mad. Tonight if you aren't fighting sit down have a conversation about how appropriate times and talk are important. Emphasize you don't enjoy fighting but you really don't want many of these topics discussed around the kids. Let him know you will always be willing to talk with him but many of these topics need to be after the kids are in bed. Take this time to also let him know you like having sex with him but you aren't going to have make up sex anymore. Also let him know you don't want to fight anymore surely you can sit down and discuss things without fighting. Then stop having make up sex. 

You can also use it to train him some. IF he has a good day, doesn't drink, pick fights, or talk bout big ****s. At the end of the day say how nice the day was and then have very energetic sex..  It is sad that he can't act like a mature adult.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

mrs brady said:


> He is trying to stimulate the relationship sexually. I would make up something and feed his need.


Dear RBH; I agree with the above advice.

If you are feeling brave enough to handle it. You might sit down with your H and ask him if there is any kind of "dirty talk" or "role playing" he would like the two of you to try. Tell him you won't judge him or call him names (if you really can do this) and that you will not be judgemental. Tell him that you are his W and you want him to open and candid with you and that you can be trusted. Also say that there may be things he wants to do that your personal boundaries will not allow you to do, but you will listen, think about it, research it and see if there is something you can do that will at least give him the illusion of what he wants.

Good luck. If you want you could even try a "yes, no, maybe list" or have a few sessions with a sex therapist/marriage counselor.


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

Best to not disclose anything to a man about your sexual history. Let him wonder about all the huge penises, the volumes of semen and all the other things that on one hand he'll get aroused by and on the other hand, continually throw back in your face to insult you.


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## Rebh (Apr 30, 2020)

So while having sex the last few times my husband is asking me questions like when was the first time you swallowed cum tell me the biggest **** you saw i really want to hear it and won't get mad.... I said I'm not saying anything because I don't want it to come back to me.... is it normal for men to ask these questions and be happy with answer? Do you want to hear about your wife ***king other men in the past??


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It's fairly normal, I'd say, but not every man wants to know, and some who think they want to know can't handle the answers (sometimes long after they've been heard). Only you can decide - based on his personality and reactions to other things he's heard about your or others - if this is sincere curiosity or an unhealthy focus. I know the answers to many such questions, and it does not bother me at all. (We've had an open relationship, and have been involved in swinging, so sometimes we've been there to _see_ the answers to such things.) It really comes down to attitude.


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## Rebh (Apr 30, 2020)

Thanks we are open and honest with each other have had several threesomes but all were women.... guess I got some thinking to do. Thanks!


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I can say for all men. I"m only married to one. My husband has never asked me those quesitons. In the long past dating scene none of the men asked me that.


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## mrs brady (May 3, 2020)

Rebh said:


> So while having sex the last few times my husband is asking me questions like when was the first time you swallowed cum tell me the biggest **** you saw i really want to hear it and won't get mad.... I said I'm not saying anything because I don't want it to come back to me.... is it normal for men to ask these questions and be happy with answer? Do you want to hear about your wife ***king other men in the past??


He is trying to stimulate the relationship sexually. I would make up something and feed his need.


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

I would be careful with this. While it may seem like he's just wanting to get off on your past, it could come back to haunt you. So what seems like a harmless thing that he enjoys hearing during sex could really hurt him and he could use it against you. What I'm trying to say is that when he's having sex with you, it might arouse him to think of you as a "sl**" . But outside of the sexual arousal games with this, he might see it very differently and it could haunt him (and in the end, you). You can't "unsay" something once you've disclosed it and once it gets into his head, it's there forever.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

I've never told my husband about my sexual past, at all..dating guys, yes...but not that; he's told me a little about his past, but very checkered. they say they want to hear it, but I don't believe they do. I wouldn't answer those questions.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

To me, as a H, that would be a no, don't answer that because as mentioned that's not something that can be unsaid. 

But each to their own. He may be one that this will never come back to bite you in the a$$. 

If he's doing this to stimulate sex time then tell him clearly you're into talking dirty for him and but insist he acknowledge he understands that you'll be making things up, giving him a good story as you answer and talk like a "****" for him.

He'll still enjoy it the same if he's just spicing things up.

If he's doing other than that then that's a question only for you.


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## Rebh (Apr 30, 2020)

So how to start... my husband and I are together 16 years married for 6 we had great time but there has always been something off... We were only 19&24 when we meet. My husband has a really high sex drive like he's 16... I have a normal sex drive we have sex 3/4 times a week sometimes more or less depending on week. He always want to talk about his fantasies wanting other women or people watching making a video talking about me and men I've been with in the past... we got into a huge fight within the 1st year of being together he was still sleeping with other women at the beginning as we weren't official.... when I found out we fought.... he always want me to talk about other people's d*_is and I don't love doing this but do sometimes so when we were fighting he kept saying I know you've seen bigger... my husband is hung well so he has should have pen*_ envy issues. So I then told him I saw bigger. It was a big fight!! Then we made up... We have had at least 4 threesomes with only women throughout the years... now we have 2 kids under 7 and we still dwell over all the sex he wants and need this will go on all day sometimes.... for some reason now 16 years later he is having a problem with me saying I saw bigger and is agree towards me about it I told him I made it up as I did but no now he says I don't trust you I never have you lie a lot he wants to know my whole sexual past... I feel like these days I'm worrying about my husband's sex life more than my kids... he had a really bad nigt almost 3 months ago, drinking his life away i had to call cops and all.... so now he dosnt drink and beace of this he fells like i should give him much more praise for fallowing throw "sex" but he like to have makeup sex these dsys so he makes us both angree and then a night when kids are sleeping this is his way of fixing things..... i dont want to have sex when i mad.... I'm so lost and the worst part is our kids have to hear it all as were all stuck in house right now!! Thanks for listening! What would you do?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Your husband may be struggling with a combination of low self esteem and fear of abandonment. Low self esteem will make him feel as though he can't make you happy and that he will never be enough for you. Perhaps he needs to validate this by asking about your previous partners and/or exploring with an open marriage to validate his notion that other people can make you happier than he does. Then if you choose to stay with him despite that, it can create a sexual euphoria that you still choose to be with him for reasons he can not validate other than with more sex.

Low self esteem can also create a high sex drive in some people. As if it is the only way to measure and validate that other people accept you. So if your husband has stopped drinking, perhaps he feels as if you should be more accepting of him and that the only way to validate this is with more praise and/or sex. Awkwardly this may be a good thing in that his self esteem feels more deserving of love, but yet one still has to deal with the fact that no one is entitled to love.

In my opinion you may want to help him work on his self esteem. The best way to do this is to try and find a way to let him do that for you. Perhaps come up with a genuine reason you struggle with your own self esteem and ask him to try and help you with that. If he is able to help you, choose that as a reason to be happier and attribute his help as something that made you happy. Doing that will actually help his self esteem and he will begin to feel more secure in the relationship. AND you might enjoy allowing him to help you. Choose a mostly inert topic like cooking or knowing what movies to choose. Ask him for help. But do so with the notion that you are actually helping him and be patient with the process. 

As far as things go in the bedroom... some degree of maintenance sex (like agreeing to a schedule or frequency) can also alleviate stress associated with intimacy. If you don't want to have sex when you are mad, scheduling can help. Perhaps it takes away a little passion of the moment, but it is a skill building process that mostly helps attribute intimacy to being patient for one another as opposed to struggling with impatience and feelings of low self esteem when it does not happen naturally. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

@badsanta has great insight there.



Rebh said:


> for some reason now 16 years later he is having a problem with me saying I saw bigger


In bygone days, telling a guy this was roughly equivalent to telling him your child isn't his. Today, he can prove to a 5-nine certainty that the child is, or is not, his. So that statement can be overcome with irrefutable proof..

However, telling him you "saw bigger" cannot be proven. So, it is likely that 30 years later, he'll still have a problem. You'll never convince him that you "made it up". Unfortunately, this is "toothpaste out of the tube".....


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

This whole bigger smaller thing esp for a hung guy, and really any normal, is just silly. 

I honestly think he really has issues. Like Santa said, self-esteem, or maybe too much porn, to much looking at porn star cocks, all of that. 

The question is, how does she get him to BEGIN to understand that he is just getting too weird. 

Somehow, if possible, she has to get him to therapy, probably sex therapy. 

But one problem is, he does not think there is a problem. I mean she has given him several threesomes, and I don't know if she even likes girls or if it is all just for him. 

Further, he seems to be getting out to maybe some type of hotwifing or cuckolding or something like that. With his insecurity that is probably poring gasoline on a fire...

He need a reality check and some therapy....


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Rebh said:


> So how to start... my husband and I are together 16 years married for 6 we had great time but there has always been something off... We were only 19&24 when we meet. My husband has a really high sex drive like he's 16... I have a normal sex drive we have sex 3/4 times a week sometimes more or less depending on week. He always want to talk about his fantasies wanting other women or people watching making a video talking about me and men I've been with in the past... we got into a huge fight within the 1st year of being together he was still sleeping with other women at the beginning as we weren't official.... when I found out we fought.... he always want me to talk about other people's d*_is and I don't love doing this but do sometimes so when we were fighting he kept saying I know you've seen bigger... my husband is hung well so he has should have pen*_ envy issues. So I then told him I saw bigger. It was a big fight!! Then we made up... We have had at least 4 threesomes with only women throughout the years... now we have 2 kids under 7 and we still dwell over all the sex he wants and need this will go on all day sometimes.... for some reason now 16 years later he is having a problem with me saying I saw bigger and is agree towards me about it I told him I made it up as I did but no now he says I don't trust you I never have you lie a lot he wants to know my whole sexual past... I feel like these days I'm worrying about my husband's sex life more than my kids... he had a really bad nigt almost 3 months ago, drinking his life away i had to call cops and all.... so now he dosnt drink and beace of this he fells like i should give him much more praise for fallowing throw "sex" but he like to have makeup sex these dsys so he makes us both angree and then a night when kids are sleeping this is his way of fixing things..... i dont want to have sex when i mad.... I'm so lost and the worst part is our kids have to hear it all as were all stuck in house right now!! Thanks for listening! What would you do?


Sounds pretty messed up. 
Be sure and pass all that healthy sexuality on to the kids. 
Nothing more healthy than 4-somes. 
I do not know how you repair a dysfunctional mess. 
Your hubby sounds like he's seen like 10,000 hours of porn or something. 
You do not get those types of appetites unless you've lived in the world of porn to warp what you want with your wife. 
No advice. I do not know what to suggest.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Does he watch porn? How often?


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Rebh said:


> So while having sex the last few times my husband is asking me questions like when was the first time you swallowed cum tell me the biggest **** you saw i really want to hear it and won't get mad.... I said I'm not saying anything because I don't want it to come back to me.... is it normal for men to ask these questions and be happy with answer? Do you want to hear about your wife ***king other men in the past??


My wife was a virgin.

The thought of her letting other men have her and do her would make me no longer want her. 

I have no idea why anyone would get their kicks hearing and visualizing this stuff. 
To each their own.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

hinterdir said:


> Sounds pretty messed up.
> Be sure and pass all that healthy sexuality on to the kids.
> Nothing more healthy than 4-somes.
> I do not know how you repair a dysfunctional mess.
> ...


Generally speaking in a marriage people associate someone using porn as a way to substitute or avoid intimacy. As in, "my husband never wants to be with me because he chooses watches porn instead."

Having said that, porn can exacerbate problems. Generally because it is used as a scapegoat and the real problems get overlooked and/or ignored.

The problem here is that the husband is trying to use "sex" to solve problems in the marriage and strengthen the relationship. As in, "we had a fight and now we have to have sex to fix it!" ...and generally that does not work. Perhaps it can alleviate a few things in the short term, but it will not solve the bigger underlying issues. 

To the original poster, in my opinion you should ignore comments about porn. Yes porn can be a problem, but any problematic use should be viewed as a symptom of other problems and not the source of a problem.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

badsanta said:


> Generally speaking in a marriage people associate someone using porn as a way to substitute or avoid intimacy. As in, "my husband never wants to be with me because he chooses watches porn instead."
> 
> Having said that, porn can exacerbate problems. Generally because it is used as a scapegoat and the real problems get overlooked and/or ignored.
> 
> ...


No I have to disagree... And understand I am not some "never porn" guy. I don't look at it a lot but I will sometimes when partner is not around and I may need to rub one out. 

However, it can cause problems. If we are to believe OP the her H is hung, which mean probably above average to pretty big. But we can assume that he is not porn star size or otherwise she would have said huge. 

My point is this, if this guy is watching a certain type of porn or BC porn he may not even understand that he is bigger than average. Which increases his insecurity that is stupid for him to have. 

So in that sense it can be a problem. But his overall attitude sounds kind of... well, stupid, or immature at the very least. 

I think he needs professional help...


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I would stop addressing the past penises and sex. He obviously can't handle talking about this. I would start responding. We have been together for 16 years. I don't remember the past men. Only you. Or bluntly, I don't want to talk about the past. 

It frankly isn't important. He seems like he is very insecure and just looking for something to fight about or something. Also his obsession with others, are you ok with that? 

I certainly wouldn't be trying to convince him one way or the other that you've seen bigger or not. Frankly unless you've went your whole life without watching any porn then you've seen bigger. But that isn't the point. The point is it doesn't matter it isn't really his business. He needs to grow up and address his marriage.

Are you feeling disconnected or bored with him? Do you feel as connect and in love with him now as 2 years ago? He may sense a change in your demeanor if something has changed and be trying to figure out what it is or displace the reason. It seems he has worsened his behavior of late and that would certainly change my daily feelings.

As for the fighting in front of the kids. Just stop. If he starts simply say. It isn't healthy to fight, I refuse to do that. If you want to calmly discuss this we can do that at *_* pm (after the kids go to bed). If he is talking sex and old boyfriends in front of the kids that is just wrong. I'd simply say this is unacceptable. This is an adult topic. Or if it is about bigger ****s. Simply say. I will not have this conversation again ever. Please stop bringing it up.

After giving a simple calm sentence about the appropriate with an alternate time you are willing to discuss then stop talking. IF needed leave the room. I'm sure your kids would love to play with you right at that moment.

As far as make up sex this is pavlov's dog. He gets you made, he gets sex. He wants more sex to he works to get you mad. Tonight if you aren't fighting sit down have a conversation about how appropriate times and talk are important. Emphasize you don't enjoy fighting but you really don't want many of these topics discussed around the kids. Let him know you will always be willing to talk with him but many of these topics need to be after the kids are in bed. Take this time to also let him know you like having sex with him but you aren't going to have make up sex anymore. Also let him know you don't want to fight anymore surely you can sit down and discuss things without fighting. Then stop having make up sex. 

You can also use it to train him some. IF he has a good day, doesn't drink, pick fights, or talk bout big ****s. At the end of the day say how nice the day was and then have very energetic sex..  It is sad that he can't act like a mature adult.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

mrs brady said:


> He is trying to stimulate the relationship sexually. I would make up something and feed his need.


Dear RBH; I agree with the above advice.

If you are feeling brave enough to handle it. You might sit down with your H and ask him if there is any kind of "dirty talk" or "role playing" he would like the two of you to try. Tell him you won't judge him or call him names (if you really can do this) and that you will not be judgemental. Tell him that you are his W and you want him to open and candid with you and that you can be trusted. Also say that there may be things he wants to do that your personal boundaries will not allow you to do, but you will listen, think about it, research it and see if there is something you can do that will at least give him the illusion of what he wants.

Good luck. If you want you could even try a "yes, no, maybe list" or have a few sessions with a sex therapist/marriage counselor.


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

Best to not disclose anything to a man about your sexual history. Let him wonder about all the huge penises, the volumes of semen and all the other things that on one hand he'll get aroused by and on the other hand, continually throw back in your face to insult you.


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