# husband makes me feel insignificant



## unlovedloner (Apr 24, 2010)

We have been married for 2 years, together for another one. 
I don't have a high school qualification and has been doing odd jobs like waitressing, translation services, housekeeping. He did well in school and has highly paid jobs before he was retrenched. For almost a year now, he hasn't found work.

I love to keep our home clean, always tidying and washing up, doing all the housework. I never demanded him to buy expensive things for me. I tend to go to charity shops and buy my own second-hand clothes or when there are big sales in the shops. For food, I tend to visit the cheapest grocery stores or buy from the market. 

I have always been the one to suggest we go somewhere, like a stroll in some forest or parks or sight-seeing. He always say yeah let's go. But it didn't happen. He is too busy on the internet. For birthdays or major holidays, I would always buy him practical presents like expensive leather shoes as he demanded, clothes, leather belts, poarized sunglasses.

He never bought me small pressies like flowers or books which I love reading. He even insulted my educational non-fiction books as rubbish and he has more knowledge that all the stupid books I have. 

We went for a massage and I was molested, yet he could accuse me for trying to molest the masseur! Everything is him. Today he accused me everything is about myself and he has called a counsellor for himself as he needs to speak to someone. I have no one here in this foreign country I can't speak to no one. He has friends and family here. 

I ask him to do something around the house, his response of NOW could be from hours later to a few months. He is full of talk and no action. Yet he doesn't think he's lying or procrastinating, just that he couldn't find time around doing things, or he would forget about them. 

I have heavy menses today and all whole body is sore, he was actually nice to suggest we go out for some fresh air, after 1 hour of driving, he said he has sacrificed a lot for me and I didn't do anything for him and I got off the car. He wanted to go home. I was left stranded in a new place, feeling cold and really depressed. 

He came later and I hoped to myself he would just stop all the fights but then off he went by saying I'm violent and losing my temper the whole time, he is a nice kind man, bla bla blah. 

When I'm upset or we have a row, he never ever coax me or say nice things to me. All he will say is: Don't be upset, or Don't be angry. 
That's all, I feel so dejected. I haven't smile for a long time, like a few months now. I smile yesterday, and he asked what for reason am I smiling. I told him I really would rather smile than sulk. 

I'm really depressed and isolated.


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

What a lot of pain you are feeling. If you can go to counseling together, that would be good, if you find a good counselor, if not, keep looking.

Very sorry about the massage and being violated. So much is pressuring you, no wonder you feel terrible!

Best,

Lyn


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## Mrs. Segedy (Apr 17, 2010)

This is not a healthy relationship. Marriage is about give and take, and compromise. I really do hope that you guys can find a happy medium, and I would again suggest counselling before making any major decisions. But you have every right to be upset and feel hurt. I would too. I just think you need to be able to tell him, in a calm setting with another person in the room. I think that is the most healthy way to be able to get your point across without causing a fight. Not saying you do, but from his perspective you would be.


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## unlovedloner (Apr 24, 2010)

I have been to see a counsellor once in our first year of marriage, then I kept persuading him for us to go together. I have asked him to read the Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars book. He would turn around and tell me I should follow everything that's said but he won't read about the women's section. 
He refused for us to seek counselling together because he doesn't think he has any problem at all.
Now he wants to see a counsellor on his own as he thinks I'm the one upsetting him all this time. For all this time we've been together I've tried to cook his favourite dishes, ironed his clothes. I am a frugal person and saved money since I started working. I bought him a Wii to lose weight.
He never cooked for me, always for himself. The clothes I spent hours ironing, he would throw them on the bed, "unintentionally" creasing them. 
I can't really talk to him in the day time, because he said he "forgot" to brush his teeth. 
When he goes out to meet his friend, he would shave, shower and perfumed. 
I have turned into a monster, because initially I have talked very nicely, politely and calmly to him please do this, don't that because they are not unhygenic or they are not healthy for you. Then after a year, I just can't being his mother, talk to him as if he was a baby, I started shouting at him, and that I'm sick I have to remind him so many times. He always loses his wallet, car keys, and other important documents. He thinks it's alright and that I am nice to turn the whole house over to look for them. But everytime, especially the car keys, I have to look in the fridge, the freezer, behind the couch, cupboard, wardrobe, mattress, bed, the bins, for hours and hours each and everytime. His mother does that for him, she doesn't mind but I seriously do. Imagine all the tidying later.
My family has long forsaken me. She abused me badly since I was a kid, because she blames me for her broken marriage when I was a baby to my father. 
Am I being petty or abnormal? We haven't a baby yet. Or should I talk to him gently as his mother does to him although he's nearly 40? 
I have done a lot in the house, but in the end, he kept saying this is HIS house. 
Love has turned into resentment for me now. He doesn't care, and slowly I don't think I do as well. 
I'm sick, he would say I'm not sick, all I need is sleep and rest.
I'm sad, he would say I'm not sad, things will pass.
I'm angry, he would say don't be angry. He won't even acknowledge or discuss about it.
I told him I'm not happy, he would say he isn't happy as well because of me. 
I have told him if he's so tight about buying things for me, I am very happy if he plucks some flowers from the garden for me.


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## created4success (Apr 9, 2010)

Lyn said:


> What a lot of pain you are feeling. If you can go to counseling together, that would be good, if you find a good counselor, if not, keep looking.
> 
> Very sorry about the massage and being violated. So much is pressuring you, no wonder you feel terrible!
> 
> ...


Great insight, Lyn. I would likewise encourage a counselor.

Another thing to keep in mind: never let another person negatively define or tell you who you are (at least don't agree with him or her). You are so much more than that.

A great book that really helped me sort out my self-esteem (even if others were critisizing me) was:

As a Man Thinketh by James Allen


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## alonewife24 (Apr 29, 2010)

Sometimes husband don't know how to be thankful . Iam learning the hard not to be married . Iam newly married . But going through a hard time in my life now . Don't have his support at all with anything at home . All he does is play games with playstation almost everyday . After I reach home from work I find the house is more messy than before . Hes like iam the women and should do everything . All these days i been so tired and he still expects me to do something with him . When I don't feel like because I don't get any help . Everyday I been having a fight with him and yesterday he told me to leave if I want to . Hes not scared at all to lose me . Please someone give an advice iam only 24 years old . I really don't need to live like this . Iam so heart broken with all this .


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

Sorry you are having such a hard time and that your husband seems to be so self-centered. If he is self centered, it is likely things well not change. If he cares about your feelings he will work on being your partner. You haven't said whether he is at home playing games all day and not working, but that you come home and he has been inconsiderate, taken you for granted or taking advantage of you and just living for himself. This is not live for you.

Best,

Lyn


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## created4success (Apr 9, 2010)

alonewife24 said:


> Sometimes husband don't know how to be thankful.


I think that men oftentimes have a hard time expressing themselves. 


alonewife24 said:


> Hes like iam the women and should do everything. All these days i been so tired and he still expects me to do something with him.


It sounds like you're there for him to do all the housework, spend quality time with him, etc. What, exactly, does he see that he contributes to your relationship?



alonewife24 said:


> When I don't feel like because I don't get any help . Everyday I been having a fight with him and yesterday he told me to leave if I want to.


I'm so sorry that he said that to you so flippantly, I know it must hurt. While he may not be afraid of losing you, he would be stupid not to see the great deal he has in you! 



alonewife24 said:


> Hes not scared at all to lose me . Please someone give an advice iam only 24 years old . I really don't need to live like this . Iam so heart broken with all this .


What do you want to do?


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## alonewife24 (Apr 29, 2010)

Thank you everyone for giving me advice . He works on thursday and friday and saturday and sunday . But when hes home doesn't do anything at all . And his mother told me i got to always have the food ready for him when he gets home . Today he said sorry saying he didn't know why he say things like that . I know this is bad because this is just for now he change . I think if he does this again I will leave just to see if he takes me for granted at all . His job is in a market that leaves me alone on the weekends . He said thats how life is . Iam not allowed to have any pets in the house so that just leaves me alone on my own . He said if I had a baby i wouldn't be alone . But thats not how it works at all . Can anyone tell me if its right what he thinks ?


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## created4success (Apr 9, 2010)

alonewife24 said:


> Thank you everyone for giving me advice .


Glad to help!



alonewife24 said:


> Can anyone tell me if its right what he thinks ?


I believe that his thinking is very misguided. As a wife, your sole purpose is not to serve and wait on your husband and then not have much of a life when he's not around. I don't like a lot of things my wife does sometimes and I drive her crazy as well, however, we openly communicate and express ourselves to each other, listening, giving feedback and adjusting our words and behavior, when needed. Perhaps your husband is tired from his job and it's all he can do when he comes home to be civil, I understand.

However, that's not much of a relationship and I'd be excited about how you guys could work together to change it.


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## alonewife24 (Apr 29, 2010)

My relationship hasn't gotten any better with time . I am trying to be strong but there are days that all I want to do is cry . Now next week I will be going to see my parents back home . Even that has cause trouble with him . I told I wanted to go because I have two reasons to go one is for work and second is to see them . The first thing that he did was tell his parents . Which is very wrong . I don't understand everyday he wants to fight about anything . I guess its better that I go for a week . So he learns to value me more and not what others say instead more . I am losing it with him always putting me down .


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

You may need more than a week if your description of things is accurate. 

Take care,

Lyn


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## alonewife24 (Apr 29, 2010)

Thanks for your advice . Iam finally faraway from him . For only a week . Yet I feel much better like this . He stills calls me even if iam faraway . I just wish to be disconnected from him . He starts being all rude on the phone . Hes like why don't you call me tomorrow to wake me up for work . Iam like I can't . I really need a break from him . I really got upset . Like i'am already faraway from him in another country . I just wish he change alittle . My own father said you really shouldn't be calling him everyday because that means you guys don't miss eachother. I think its a great point because i don't miss him at all after what he has done to me .


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

He calls you, is rude and demands that you call him to wake him up for work? This guy doesn't need a wife, he needs a wake-up call.

I'm concerned that things will deteriorate further unless he decides there is a reason to change. At this point, I would tell him that I would talk to him on the phone if he can be civil, otherwise, not interested.

Do you have to leave in a week?

Best, Lyn


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## alonewife24 (Apr 29, 2010)

I am going back next week to my normal life . Which isnt great at all . I know he needs a big wake up call . Just today i went to see my cousins and aunts and wasnt home to call him . He got mad because i didn't call him . I told him he shouldn't be like that . Looks like he didn't really care what i said . I don't understand why he acts like this . He stills said watch when i leave for a week .


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

He bullies you and threatens you. Is this how you want to live? Already, his treatment has affected you, emotionally and it sounds as though you are depressed. I've forgotten now if either one or both of you as a couple are seeing someone for help. With his behavior, if he is, he's not learning.

Don't be his doormat. Your purpose in life is much greater than that.

Lyn


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## alonewife24 (Apr 29, 2010)

You are right and no one is getting help . This has effected me . Iam feeling better here . Today I call him to see how he was doing . But it was a waste of time . He cause another fight . Now I know forsure that when i go back i got to think alot . my own family heard me getting upset that was not what i wanted . I think he needs help . Iam hurt . Because I try to tell him that I go out to have fun here . Now I find out hes going out with his friends to have fun . I wish I stay longer here . I will try to enjoy my time here before going back .


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

You've done your thinking and yoy know the answer...this is no way to live, no one should have to tolerate this kind of abuse. 

My advice is to stay longer and develop an exit strategy to get out of the house you share with him and out of that marriage.

I have never recommended anyone leave their marriage, before. At the very least, get a legal separation. Be strong and respect the person God created you to be.

Best. Lyn


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

He sounds unbearably controlling. He also seems to think he can use his parents to exert control over you. No one has the right to control you. Not even your spouse.

Can your parents help you?


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## alonewife24 (Apr 29, 2010)

TeaLeaves4 said:


> He sounds unbearably controlling. He also seems to think he can use his parents to exert control over you. No one has the right to control you. Not even your spouse.
> 
> Can your parents help you?



Yes they can help me. Now I had a big talk yesterday but wasn't really able to talk to him. Because he started threating me that I have to make a choice my parents or him. Or else he said don't come back. He also said why did I married him. To use him. Today he called in the morning to talk but I don't want to. This is getting way out of hands that I won't go to his home. I think I will be staying at my parents. He told me I got to change. Also that he made a mistake to married me. This is reAlly bad if my parents knew everything they would hate him. Iam not happy. Tomorrow I leave and I wish I didn't have to go to this war.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

He is a threatening, frightening, misery-causing bully. If you leave your parents to go back to him, you are condemning yourself to inexcusable treatment that no one should have to live with.

Stay with your parents and get him our of your life.

Lyn


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## alonewife24 (Apr 29, 2010)

I agree with everything you say . Now I just found out he try to cheat on me with one of my friends . He brought roses and a teddy bear but i had a bad feeling like he was hiding something . My friend told me that he try to do something on webcam wit her . Also he told her not tell me because he was shy about it . The reason why he was doing this is because hes alone . Mean while he was treating me like crap . I have made my mind up to end my marriage i don't i could deal with this anymore . Iam so disappointed with this because i know he wont tell the truth about it . I never excepted this now i can't go back for sure . Please someone tell me iam doing the right thing .


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

He abuses you emotionally, lies, threatens and cheats. He is a failure as a husband. You be a success as a human being and don't stand for him wasting any more of your time. Be free and get some counselling to strengthen your self-esteem so you can avoid this, next time.

Best,

Lyn


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## alonewife24 (Apr 29, 2010)

I have gotten better . Iam at my parents home ever since I got back from the trip . His family has gotten involved wit our problems trying to convince me to go back . I won't go back . I will go and see a lawyer forsure . He's gotten to the point that he says he will kill himself if I don't go back wit him . I wont take any of that anymore . Iam sorry to say this but I will be ending my marriage which is not what i expected it to be . He has no rights on me . He has cause so much pain . Now he even ask for the wedding ring and engagment ring back which thats not right . But really doesn't matter to me . Iam not a person that is interested in the money and things . Now he is thinking I married him for money and not love . Thats really rude for anyone to say that to me . I have made up my mind to end this marriage . Its a really sad ending .


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Stay strong and stay put at your parents...If he threatens to kill himself, call 911 and have them deal with him. If the threats are serious, that's the protocol to take and if they are empty threats in a tempt to manipulate you back there so he can abuse you again, you have been through enough already.

Keep the rings...I would not agree to give him anything unless it's ordered by the court.

He is saying hurtful things because he no longer has control of you and he is mad about that. Hang in there.


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

You are quite brave to have made the changes you have. 

He has no business making any demands on you and I wouldn't give him the rings as a statement of your strength and his inability to push oyu around, anymore, if it were me.

God bless and best,

Lyn


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## alonewife24 (Apr 29, 2010)

Some days are better than before . They still keep calling me to talk his family . I cry yesterday on my own because I found out that all these we were together he cheated on with 6 womens . Leaving me feeling useless . Not sure if I could ever trust a men in my life . I now think they are all the same . I don't even know what have I done to desever this in my life . I got married with MR. WRONG . He keeps asking me to go back to him . I know if I go back it would be wrong . I have lost the love I had for him because of the pain I have .


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

You haven't done a thing to deserve this, YOU have been betrayed.

If I were you, I would not take their calls any longer, change your cell #, whatever it takes to get these crazy, abusive people out of your life.

His cheating is not about you, it is about him doing whatever he wants. A man like that you do not need and no, they are not all like him. 
To a better life without him and his family!

Best,

Lyn


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## alonewife24 (Apr 29, 2010)

I wanted to thank everyone for their great advice . He has bother me again yesterday . Telling me to go back to him . He even admit what he has done and said its nothing at all . Like I just noticed how cold hearted he is as in to do something like that to me . All this time iam the only that has been faithful . I will move on . I plan to look ahead of this life I had to live with him . I do believe that not all men are like him . I mean its been very hard for me . That sometimes I get sad for being so alone with this all . Glad I have my friends and family with me . Just letting everything out is making me feel so much better . I can even breath better without him . I know I will heal from this pain soon .


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

You are on your way. Remember, the marriage failed because he was a failure at love, not because you have failed at anything.

When you do marry again. marry the person because you know that you have to be with them for the rest of your life and that's the only way you get to do it. 

Bless,

Lyn


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## alonewife24 (Apr 29, 2010)

Lately i been getting better . On friday I thought my world was closing up on me . Because of what my own mother told me . This really didn't help me . She thought I was making a mistake with my life right now . I know I got to get stronger because there is always going to be something to hurt me . Its like no one believes me of what iam going through . Everyone that of my own family kinda of turns their back on me . Saying I will regret of what iam doing . I know I will get through all this . Some even said I won't find another person . He stills gets in contact with my own sister and talks to her like hes the victim . I really can't deal with any this any longer. I want to start my divorce as soon as possible . There is no turning back for me . Because he told my own sister that he needs to know what I want I already told him . He said tell her to tell me because I need to move on with my life .


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

alonewife, do you know why most women end up being abuse victims? Because their own parents tear them down and make them feel worthless. Their own parents - who are supposed to love and rejoice in them - teach them to hate themselves.

Your job, now, is to go to therapy and learn to STOP letting these harmful people tell you how to feel and what to do.

You are JUST as valuable and important as every other human being. BELIEVE that! Do what you need for YOU! Your days of giving up on your own happiness to TRY to get him to love you are gone. Let your lawyer talk to him from now on.


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

:iagree:

Gotta agree with turnera. When I was young and in an abusive marriage, my parents pressured me into going back tohim. Of course, he didn't stop abusing me and I was broken hearted that my parents didn't support me. I don;t remember if I told them he was beating me or not.

Anyway. I'm sorry that your family is not helping. I'm glad that you are remaining strong, anyway, shows how special you are.

Your mother wants you to be married to someone who cheats on you and brings diseases home? Because that IS what happens. I'm sorry to say it, but your mother is wrong.

The path of least resistance is not a life journey. Ask your sister to not take his phone calls. Your family belongs to you and not him. He has a lot of nerve. They are your people. He should get his own people.

Best,

Lyn


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## alonewife24 (Apr 29, 2010)

Iam here again trying to deal with new things he has done to me . That this time i had to get the police involve . Because he change lock on the door of the house . I wasnt able to get my own things from the house . He had told the police that he didnt want me to take other things . Now this all happen today . Lucky I have my friends with me . Now i have my parents support . I hope to end this drama very soon .


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

Good for you! You are getting stronger! Good news that your folks are on your side, now. Continue to be strong and not take his nonsense.

Best,

Lyn


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I agree. Good luck!


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## alonewife24 (Apr 29, 2010)

I wanted to update everyone on how iam doing . Iam doing great things are getting better . Looking forward to being divorce . They say it takes a year . Iam not turning back as in going back with him . He is still in contact with part of my family which I don't talk to . This is was you see who really cares for you even family can turn there back on you . Iam grateful everyday to be able to be in peace . Its a great feeling going home and knowing that i won't have any threats . This means iam doing much better .


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

Wonderful! So glad to hear all of this.

Sorry about the people who are not being supportive. You donlt need them.

Best,

Lyn


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Thanks for letting us know. And congratulations on your new life - _without _losers who won't support you!


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## alonewife24 (Apr 29, 2010)

Hi everyone . I just I had forgotten to tell you guys that he took everything from me . He left me without a penny . Like that is so wrong . I never thought he would be a monster . I mean now i got to fight hard to get something . Iam lucky iam working . But he took over 20 thousand dollars . Leaving the account empty . The things people do . After hes done that he goes around saying I love my wife . That just makes me sick to my stomach . My lawyer will really have to help me out on this . and the house he change the name on it to his parents name . He did this a month before we got married . I never knew he would do something like that . He kept this from me . This men has no heart .


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Disgusting. You are lucky to be rid of him.


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## UnsettledWife (Aug 13, 2010)

Tonight he told me that he is going to pick up a picture from Michael's that she had framed and drop it off at her house. I asked him why her partner can't got get it when she gets home? He said because it's "our" picture (he helped her take it down in Miami). I said because you helped her take it doesn't make it "your" picture. Then I asked him if he was going to be gone until all hours of the night again and he said no because he has to shoot a wedding tomorrow (he's a photographer) and that it's not my business anyway. I told him that everytime he hangs out with her it kills me inside. He said that it was my problem that he's not doing anything wrong. I told him that she said in the beginning of the relationship that if she was going to come between us that she would back off. I said I think I should tell her she's coming between us and he said if you do then you will see me walk out the door and not come back. I need to get to Tuesday when we have counseling. But, all of this drama is killing me each day. I wish he would just be cordial until Tuesday instead of causing more issues. I guess I have to ignore him till Tuesday. When I did that earlier on in hte week he texted me, bought me food, and took me out to dinner. I hate having to play games though to get him to pay attention to me. Please someone comfort me so I can last 4 more days!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Unsettled, tell me. 

Did you get with him to be his part-time partner? For when it's convenient for him to remember you are there?

Then why are you treating yourself like that now?


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## alonewife24 (Apr 29, 2010)

Hi everyone . Iam doing better moving on in a positive way . Things have looking better for me . He seem to try and get in contact with me my texting me saying he needed me back . That if he treated me bad was to get me back . Just shows that he never change . I thank god and everyone around me for support . Because Iam holding up really good .


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

good for you!


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