# Help!!! Husband Wants a divorce after one month of marriage



## newlywed_heartbroken (Aug 27, 2017)

Hello! New here. Been reading some posts on the topic of separation and the 180 rule and wanted to get people's opinion and suggestions on my situation.

My husband and I have been together for 5 years, living together, but were only married for a month when we had a huge fight that led to him telling me that he wants a divorce. Needless to say I was stunned. Just a bit of our back story....we've had our ups and downs like most couples, nothing too serious, but I do have an issue trusting him. I have caught him in so many stupid lies and also about a year and a half ago, I caught him flirting with my cousin and asking her to send him boob pics and selfies over text. When I confronted him, he was so remorseful, he said he was going through a depression (which he was, lost his job, etc) and that it was nothing, just a boost to his ego etc. We decided to work through it and the conditions were that he would be an open book, I could see his phone at anytime, he had to go to counselling for the depression etc, until I started to build the trust back.

Long story short, he went to counselling for a bit and stopped, he did let me see his phone at first but slowly but surely that stopped, then he put a password on it. Then to add to it, in January of this year, he got offered a job which required him to train in the US (we live in Canada) for 3 months, then work in another city about 2 hours away from home. Once he started this job, things went downhill. He was never home, he wouldn't answer his phone when I called or texted him, basically acting like he was single. We had our wedding planned for June of this year and I was under alot of stress planning it on my own, managing the house etc since he was always at work 2 hours away and staying there at least 3-4 nights a week and coming home around 12 am most nights when he did come back home. We had a huge blow up before the wedding because I found out that he lied to me about where he was staying and basically we had a talk that day if we would go on with the wedding. He wasn't sure because he said I don't trust him and am always accusing him of cheating, I wasn't sure because of all the lies I've caught him in, how he put a password on his phone etc. At that time, I told him multiple times, if he doesn't want to get married, he needs to end things at that point and not go on with the wedding. He said over and over that he loves me, he wants to spend his life with me and we will make things work.

We went on with the wedding plans, things improved significantly, we had an amazing wedding day, honeymoon and weeks afterwards. Then about a month after our wedding, I found out he lied to me again. Basically he told me he didn't use his phone on our honeymoon in Europe, but when the bill came in, it showed he did. I asked him about it and tried to get details and he said he couldn't remember using it. I asked again, who he was texting or calling, he wouldn't give me a real response. So I contacted our cellphone company to get the numbers he called and texted and that is what the huge blow out fight was about. I confronted him and all of a sudden he said that he was done, he didn't want to be in this marriage and live like this anymore if I don't trust him etc. He left our place that night and drove to the city he works in and refused to talk to me for 2 days. Finally he agreed to come home and talk to me after I had sent him texts and an email asking him to come back home. We talked, and he said he needed time to think and get over his anger.

Over the next couple of weeks he continued to come home frequently, we went on a camping trip together, to dinners with my parents etc and he acted as if everything was normal in front of my family and friends but whenever we were alone, he kept saying he wants a divorce. Finally we sat down and had a conversation and he said he is not leaving but he needs some space and he wants to stay in the city he is working in the 5-6 days he is working and come home on his day(s) off. I didn't want to agree, but he basically begged me and said he can't be around me right now because he is so angry and he just needs time to think. I agreed on the conditions that he would come home on his days off and that he would call and text regularly. This was three weeks ago and slowly but surely things have gotten worse. He went from texting and calling frequently, to barely any communication at all. He barely comes home, only one day a week, and even then, he doesn't stay the night.He will come early in the morning around 7am and he comes to see his kids (from a previous marriage who live with their mom) and allows me to spend time with them, but as soon as we are alone, he goes right back to saying he wants a divorce, and then goes back to the city he works in. He won't stay the night.

I've realized in these few weeks that I do have a major trust issue and need help, so I've begun counselling and am trying hard to change that jealous, accusatory behavior. I have realized how I acted and made him feel and apologized a million times over. I have stopped the accusatory behaviour and barely even question him at all, but he says that is not good enough, that he doesn't believe I will change. He won't give me a chance to show him I am working on being different and resolving my trust issues. He hasn't packed up his stuff yet, but mostly stays in the city he is working in with a work colleague. Every time I try to talk to him, he says he is done, but then when I say, if you are done, then pack your bags, he says "well a small part of me wants to make it work". He keeps flip flopping and just saying he needs his space. It's been over a month now of him asking for space, and he keeps sending me mixed signals. He doesn't want to tell his family and friends and acts like everything is okay, but when we are together, and I try to talk about the situation he just blows up, says he has realized he is happier without me, that he wants a divorce, that he is so angry with me etc. When I ask him how he can say those things after a month of marriage, where he promised to love me forever, where he made the commitment, he just says that marriage doesn't mean anything to him, its just a piece of paper, if he is not happy he will stay in a relationship he is not happy in and he says he has realized he hasn't been happy for awhile. I'm so confused. Things before, during and right after the wedding were amazing. He even said it himself before our big blow up fight, that he feels like we reconnected over the last few months, that we are stronger than ever, our sex life has been better than ever etc. I don't get how someone can change their mind and feelings the snap of a finger over one fight.

Sorry for the long drawn out story. Basically my question to everyone is, what are your opinions on how I should proceed? I talked to his uncle, who he is the closest to and his uncle told me to just let him be, leave him alone completely until he comes to me. Should I do the 180 rule, keep in touch to see how he is doing, try to keep asking him to give me a second chance? Any thoughts, suggestions, advice anyone can offer is greatly appreciated. Also, do you think he is serious about the divorce, or do you think he is just angry. I'm so confused because one minute he says he wants a divorce, but then when I say pack your bags, or if you are done then why are you here, he always responds with "well a small part of me wants to work on things, but only a small part". 

HELP! So confused and heartbroken. How can he throw away our marriage and relationship so easily a month of marriage!


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Look up the definition of gaslighting.You are being pissed on in this relationship and YOU are apologising for the rain.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So who was he calling and texting while in Europe on your honeymoon? This is a very important question.

Your uncle told you to do the 180? How does your uncle know about the 180?

what do you think the purpose of the 180 is?


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## newlywed_heartbroken (Aug 27, 2017)

I asked him to show me the numbers in his phone, most were from work, a couple to our family and then two numbers didn't come up in his phone. I asked him to show me his texts but he said he probably deleted them and wouldn't show me. 

Sorry for the confusion, to clarify, I talked to his uncle, who is closest to him, to see what I should do, since he knows him the best, his uncle said to just leave him alone for now, give him space until he comes back to me.

I was reading threads today on my own about the 180 rule and was just wondering if I should try that out. I have tried everything I can think of. I have apologized, tried to reason with him, am going to counselling to try to change the behavior, have sent him a long letter apologizing and trying to get him to see we can make things work etc. Nothing seems to work, he just keeps asking for space and saying that he thinks he is done and he is happier without me and angry every time he is around me.


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## Louise McCann (Jul 23, 2017)

Hey Sweetie, I am so sorry for what you are going through & I feel for you. My husband like yours, called it quits after 7 months of marriage soon after our daughter was born.

Honey, he is 10000% cheating on you. Often when a spouse says they need "space", they really mean they want the liberty of being single, yet being able to keep you as their safety net. His lack of communication with you is proof that he is not missing you at all. He has made zero effort to save the marriage! After one month too?! That is ridiculous.

There is honestly NO POINT harping over this boy, he is dishonest, he has no marriage values and is extremely disrespectful to you. You have done nothing wrong! He is being anything but the loving husband he ought to be to you. 

If this is how he's like after ONE MONTH of marriage, do you think he can ever change? What about 5 years of marriage when it becomes boring and routine? What about 20 years when you are both older? A man who cheats on his wife after a month of marriage is not worth keeping! He will do this to you again in the future & wreck more havoc than he already has.

You are too close to the situation and therefore still very emotionally attached. You need to detach. Go NO CONTACT. Show him you are happy and unfazed by his absence. He will probably try to reach out to test the waters, but do not cave in! Once you have detached emotionally and no longer NEED him, you will begin to see him for what he really is. You'll be able to think more objectively & then decide what will be in your best interest. 

First you need to detach. He wants space, happily give it to him. Beat him at his own game. Get used to life without him & you'll know what to do after this no contact/limited contact. All the best, dear


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## Louise McCann (Jul 23, 2017)

Also I want to add that he is simply lying to you and giving you a ton of excuses. I am sure he means it when he says he wants a divorce! Actions > words. He isn't even trying to save the marriage. 

I too have thrown the word "divorce" around before (regret, never again) without meaning it. I would say it during an argument but would eventually make up and things would be ok. I would NEVER want to be apart from my spouse if I didn't mean it. Him wanting space goes to show he is already checked out of the marriage. 

Leave him be. Do the 180 for yourself not for him. He may or may not come back and when you are done you may not want him either  you will find out what he is really made of, in time.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

You're right not to trust him. He's a known liar and he's acting shady on top of it. I'd bet he's cheating, too, just on behavior alone. Let him go. He's not trustworthy and not a good mate.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

You don't have trust issues, you have great instinct and a nose for BS.

This guy doesn't want to be married, so let him go. He is treating you like garbage.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

newlywed_heartbroken said:


> I asked him to show me the numbers in his phone, most were from work, a couple to our family and then two numbers didn't come up in his phone. I asked him to show me his texts but he said he probably deleted them and wouldn't show me.
> 
> Sorry for the confusion, to clarify, I talked to his uncle, who is closest to him, to see what I should do, since he knows him the best, his uncle said to just leave him alone for now, give him space until he comes back to me.
> 
> I was reading threads today on my own about the 180 rule and was just wondering if I should try that out. I have tried everything I can think of. I have apologized, tried to reason with him, am going to counselling to try to change the behavior, have sent him a long letter apologizing and trying to get him to see we can make things work etc. Nothing seems to work, he just keeps asking for space and saying that he thinks he is done and he is happier without me and angry every time he is around me.


How old are the two of you?

You have no reason to apologize to him. You caught him trying to cheat with your cousin. It's most likely that what you saw was the tip of the iceberg. It's highly unlikely that you caught him the one and only time he did something like that. 

Have you talked to your cousin about what went on? What does she say?

He showed you with the incident with your cousin that he cannot be trusted. So of course you do not trust him. He cannot be trusted. There is only one reason for him to not let you see his phone.. because he has something to hide.

I'm not sure why you are in counseling because the is nothing wrong with your gut feelings here... he's cheating, you know it. Now you are going to counseling because you want to talk yourself out of believing what you know? That's ridiculous.

If you are in counseling... get help for your problem of not having enough self esteem to stand up to him when you know you are right... .he's cheating.

In marriage there should be radical honesty. That means that you should be able to look through his cell phone. 

The Policy of Radical Honesty

When a person says that they need space and then stays away or moves out, it means that they are cheating or planning on cheating. 

Can you afford to hire a private investigator? If you do I highly suggest that you do. Why? Because you need solid proof of his affair for yourself. You are clearly not emotionally strong enough to stand up for yourself. So get the evidence. Just do not tell him that you are doing it. Once you have evidence, do not confront him right away. Instead come back here and let us help you come up with a plan of action based on your evidence.

Of course his uncle told you to just go home, be a good girl and quietly wait until your husband returns to you. His uncle knows from what he told you that your husband is cheating, just like we here know that. But his uncle does not have your best interest in mind. Instead he's telling you to be a push over and let your husband use you for plan B when he's done with his affair... if he does not dump you first. His uncle is telling you that you should let your husband have this affair and just wait around like a mouse. Guess what, if you do that, your husband will not come back to you. Instead he will start having one affair after another your entire live. Why? Because you will have taught him that you are ok with him treating you like a nobody.

You need to tell someone who actually cares about you in your real life what is going on. Will your parents back you up? Do you have a sibling or friend who will stand by you and give you moral support. Build a support system.

Yes you need to do the 180... follow it exactly. That means that you do not reach out to him. You do not initiate any contact. If he comes home for a day or two, just go out and do something, anything. Do not be at home with him. Do not sleep in the same bed with him. 

If I were you, I'd send him an email telling him that you would prefer if he no longer comes home because it's disrupting your life. And if he comes home anyway, that he will need to find another place in your home to sleep.

What is the purpose of the 180? To help you, yourself. It's to make your strong so that you can grow away from him and end the marriage.

I suggest you read the book "Surviving and Affair" by Dr. Harley. Do what the book says. IN the book it talks about Plan A and Plan B. You have already done Plan A.. that's where you try to make some positive changes... that lasts for no more than 2 weeks. Now you are in Plan B, which is basically the 180.


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## George36 (Aug 26, 2017)

OP, your story needs to be told and this'll is the place for it. Good on you for putting yourself out there for comments.

My "man" advice would be to seek a divorce. However, that is the easy answer not knowing your overall financial/family support. 

A couple of points about length of marriage. My niece sought a divorce/annulment from her first husband after 72 hours. She married the second one for less than six months. He changed his mind about children that she desperately wants. Point, marriage is difficult and you have to seek out answers that make for your happiness.

Good fortunes to you.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You can't trust him because he isn't trustworthy. He hasn't changed. 

Those two numbers he texted when he was in Europe that have apparently been deleted? Odds are excellent that's a woman he doesn't want you to know about. 

You're in a losing situation. Start the process to end this.


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## LaReine (Aug 14, 2017)

You don't have trust issues. He does.

He has lied to you repeatedly.

Other than the fact that you love him, why do you want to stay with him? He lies about everything ffs


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Openminded said:


> You can't trust him because he isn't trustworthy. He hasn't changed.
> 
> Those two numbers he texted when he was in Europe that have apparently been deleted? Odds are excellent that's a woman he doesn't want you to know about.
> 
> You're in a losing situation. Start the process to end this.


Yep. Do yourself a HUGE favor and give him that divorce. You never should have married to begin with. He is a serial cheat and a liar, you deserve much better.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

3Xnocharm said:


> Yep. Do yourself a HUGE favor and give him that divorce. You never should have married to begin with. He is a serial cheat and a liar, you deserve much better.


Work on yourself and figure out why you were willing to accept this kind of treatment.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Wow, he needs space after a month of marriage because he gets angry being around you. How on earth did he bring himself to marry you???

This should have been the most exciting part of your marriage. You should be still experiencing the honeymoon stage....instead here you are on TAM, wondering if he is trustworthy. This does not say much for the marriage. 

I would say, give the man what he wants. Because unfortunately you caught pond scum. Don't waste anymore time with this man. Life is awaiting you out there, time wasted is never recovered. 

Good luck.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Cut your losses you know hes a skunk at heart and is not going to change no matter how much you love him or want him to.


The sooner to come to this realization the better.



Good luck


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I need space = I'm banging someone else or trying to bang someone else and want you for backup sex.


"I want a divorce".... but don't file or take their stuff...... they want a backup plan until their other plans are cemented.

You realize that this crap he's come up with has nothing to do with your "accusations or distrust". If he loved you, he'd move mountains to make sure YOU were happy.
He's allay your fears by complete transparency and being good to you.

This guy is showing you that he doesn't. Late your company, your loyalty, or your love. Give these things to a man who treasures them.

Your "husband" is cheating on you. And he will for as long as you let him.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

What you saw is what you got. You gambled in a game that has lousy odds to begin with, 50/50, and lost. Adults do not change who they are by signing a piece of paper and uttering a few words. Best thing for you to do is an annulment since it has only been a month. Both state that the marriage was never consummated and avoid the horror of divorce. My friend this this after a year of marriage to his cheating wife. He caught her cheating before they married and like many others, thought that by speaking the sacred marriage vows, she would change. She did not. Also know that in counselling may men do not want to look like a jerk so they will pretend to want to change and be a nice guy.


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

I tend to believe that the biggest downfall of marriage is that you never get to fully see who the other person is until you marry them. Marriage is different than living together. The pre-conceived notions and expectations of a spouse are greater than with just a lover. 

I've known other couples who could live together many years but fall apart quickly once they made it legal and binding. It's a mental state...not just a lawful one.

You married him and probably feel like you MUST keep giving it your all....even though he just dangles a carrot to you on occasion. 

Marriage takes two people....and it sounds like only one of you is actually committed to yours. Is that good enough/okay for you? If it is, then sure, go ahead and wait by the phone for him while he keeps ignoring your attempts at contact. If not, then perhaps it's time to do something else?


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