# Should I contact the other woman?



## bettermarriage (Apr 8, 2013)

My husband had an affair months ago, but it's over now. However, he and the other woman causally text/email back and forth every once in a while just to "check in." She lives on another coast, so I know the physical relationship is over, but I have asked him to stop communication with her and he he agreed, but he obviously can't, because the communications continue. I am so tempted to reach out to the other woman to ask her to stop contacting him, but it seems so juvenile and pathetic. Anyone been there and have advice? What are the pros and cons? Should I contact the other woman?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

CheaterVille :: Don't Be the Last to Know. Then send her the link to her Cheaterville profile. Your husband, too.


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## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

Tell you husband to stop contacting her or stop responding to her, to cut all contact with the OW. The problem is with your husband, if he wants the communication with the OW to stop he would do.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Don't contact her. You aren't his mom. It's up to him to establish boundaries with her.

ETA: the affair isn't over as long as he's in contact with her. He's either serious about R or he's not. Right now it doesn't appear he's totally serious.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Openminded said:


> Don't contact her. You aren't his mom. It's up to him to establish boundaries with her.
> 
> ETA: the affair isn't over as long as he's in contact with her. He's either serious about R or he's not. Right now it doesn't appear he's totally serious.


I have a friend who is an alcoholic. He believes he can handle it. That just one drink will not drag him back to being an alcoholic. He's wrong, of course.

Your husband is doing the same thing. He believes just keeping in touch with her is OK and will not cause any problems. But it will.


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## canadiangirl (Apr 24, 2012)

It's not over. They are still in contact. The affair still going strong.


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## NativeSun09 (Mar 28, 2013)

The affair isn't over if they continue to talk to each other. Kick him to the curb. He's misleading you and betraying your trust once again. Have you exposed their affair to friends and family? Has he had to bear any consequences? Doesn't sound like it...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I agree, it's far from over, maybe gone underground.

Read this:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Is the OW a total stranger to you?

Do you know if she's married or is in a relationship? 

Was she a co-worker or an old GF? 

If it's possible to do so, you should expose the affair to people she cares about.


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## Simply Me (Dec 29, 2013)

I was actually in a similar situation a few months ago and I did contact the other woman. My approach was very casual and tactful. I introduced myself to her and explained that ----- was my husband and I was concerned about texts and phone calls between them. I informed her that I would appreciate if she do not send and/or accept any form of communication from MY husband. The truth is no woman wants another woman calling her phone to ask her to leave her man alone. 

I took the other woman out of her comfort zone and she stated that she did not want anyone's wife calling her. She agreed to not communicate with him and I agreed to "lose her phone number". I also let my husband know that I called her and this most certainly took him out of his comfort zone as well. I do pay the phone bills so I have access to all phone records. I have not seen any communication between the both of them again.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Simply Me:

I hope your tactic worked. It appears to have - at least to you. 

Thing is, if they really want to keep in contact, even if just to spite you, there are so many ways to do it. Burner phones are cheap and can be exclusive - along with apps that allow texting that doesn't show up on the phone bill. 

My point is that unless their chat had nothing to do with an EA - then things may not be what they appear. I hope you've taken all these things into account.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> Simply Me:
> 
> I hope your tactic worked. It appears to have - at least to you.
> 
> ...



:iagree:

I've confronted OW before. Then it just got them all the more competitive and secretive.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

He doesn't understand the meaning of "it's over." Because he's still in contact with her, so emotionally, it's not. And he doesn't understand how devastating it is to you that it isn't over. There's the physical connection and the emotional connection. And they both hurt. BOTH must be cut off completely.

I suggest you get the book How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It's very short, and an easy read. I highlighted parts of it and asked my husband to just read those parts I'd highlighted, making it even shorter. Because most unfaithful spouses DON'T "get it." And this book helps them to get it!

I'm so sorry you're still having to deal with this. Your healing really can't begin until he stops all contact, and then it will take a long time after that. The book helps to explain the process, and concrete steps he can take to help with your healing. 

Best of luck.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

I did contact the OW in my H's EA. Also her fiancé. She (and my H) were embarrassed and uncomfortable. It made their little relationship less fun and it stopped. Awwww...too bad, so sad! For reasons that I'm not ready to put on here, I KNOW it's done and has been for months.

With that said, I'm not sure that this would be effective in every situation.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Have you asked your H how he would feel if you had an affair?

Would he be comfortable with you keeping in contact with your AP? 

If he will not cut off all contact, there can be consequences. I do hope he is paying for counseling, and has been tested for stds,
unless of course he used protection. Of course, using protection is not 100 percent for avoiding stds. 

Have you had him sign an agreement that if he cheats again, that here is the alimony schedule, the property settlement, etc?


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

bettermarriage said:


> My husband had an affair months ago, but it's over now. However, he and the other woman causally text/email back and forth every once in a while just to "check in." She lives on another coast, so I know the physical relationship is over, but I have asked him to stop communication with her and he he agreed, but he obviously can't, because the communications continue. I am so tempted to reach out to the other woman to ask her to stop contacting him, but it seems so juvenile and pathetic. Anyone been there and have advice? What are the pros and cons? Should I contact the other woman?


Why the hell is your husband still in contact with this woman???.

Just because hes not having an affair with her this does not mean that its Okay to talk, or to have anything to do with her at all, and if it was me i just would not have it.

Texting and emailing each other, Is so wrong in my book..... You say to check in? what does that exactly mean?. And why do they need to check in with each other?.

I mean, I really do not think you should even HAVE to tell him to stop communication, I think this should have been done by him, something he wanted to do, without question.

If hes still in communication with her, then you have to ask yourself is staying in a relationship the right thing to do, as it seems to me that he still may have some sort of feelings for her, and i would be worried if the affair was over, Or may even start up again.

I think i would want to contact the OW but, whether i would actually go through with it would be another thing, I think your OH should be the one to tell her, and to break all communication with her.


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## ecotime47 (Apr 3, 2013)

I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. I'm glad the physical affair has stopped and that you and your husband are trying to get things back on track. However, as others have said, if he's still in contact with OW at all, things are far from fixed. Contacting the OW never seems to be a good idea :scratchhead:

Are you guys in counseling? Seeing someone regularly could help keep him accountable. A good counselor could also help you identify specific areas to focus on step by step as you work to restore your marriage. Focus on the Family has some great articles and resources on restoration after an affair. Those might be worth looking into.


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