# Divorce after 15 years and two kids?



## bitlost (Nov 25, 2017)

Hello

For the past few years the relationship turned to a battle, I changed into a different person (education, self-development, work, social, etc...) I worked so hard on all aspects of my life, and my wife stayed on the same level. I encouraged her a lot until started to be pushy about her doing something rather than being neutral in the relation. But she stayed neutral, no improvement on any level, so I had a relation (no judgement) and that made her crazy. So she changed but to a furious, stubborn, rude ,etc.. lady even after years of this relation. Until now it's unbearable and we're talking divorce. Any advice?!


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

You see your wife as lacking and chose to have long term affair on her. You dont seem to like her at all so go ahead and divorce. It'll free you to continue your affair in the open without worries. 

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


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## bitlost (Nov 25, 2017)

Lila said:


> You see your wife as lacking and chose to have long term affair on her. You dont seem to like her at all so go ahead and divorce. It'll free you to continue your affair in the open without worries.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


No the affair was years ago! And the thing is I have strong feelings for her but it's lost in the chaos that we're living.
She's too angry to see anything right.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

When and how did she learn of the affair? 

How was it dealt with? 

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## bitlost (Nov 25, 2017)

I told her back then and she got shocked frankly!
Things are getting worse day after day


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

bitlost said:


> I told her back then and she got shocked frankly!
> Things are getting worse day after day


Unless you provide more information then all I can say is "Sorry you're going through divorce" and "Don't cheat on your next wife".


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

bitlost said:


> Hello
> 
> For the past few years the relationship turned to a battle, I changed into a different person (education, self-development, work, social, etc...) I worked so hard on all aspects of my life, and my wife stayed on the same level. I encouraged her a lot until started to be pushy about her doing something rather than being neutral in the relation. But she stayed neutral, no improvement on any level, so I had a relation (no judgement) and that made her crazy. So she changed but to a furious, stubborn, rude ,etc.. lady even after years of this relation. Until now it's unbearable and we're talking divorce. Any advice?!


*Some people are personally incapable of change while other folks richly embrace it!

The notable thing about “change” itself is that some spouses have a rather difficult time seeing their spouse willingly embrace it, adoptive of the old adage of “there’s comfort and security to be found in the status quo!”*


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Well, congratulations, you DID manage to change her after all. Your affair has hurt her terribly, transforming her into an angry, defensive person. She's trying to protect herself from further hurt from you, which includes divorcing you.

If you really don't want divorce, you have ten times the amount of work ahead of you to prove you won't ever hurt her again, to change her a second time. The fact that you haven't done this work in the years since your affair has already told her you're unwilling/incapable of doing it though, so every day she spends in the marriage continues to hurt her.

If you do still love her, let her be free of the pain you cause her and go ahead with the divorce. Then seriously examine yourself so you don't take the same expectations/behaviour with you into your next relationship.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Did you love and accept her as she was when you married her? If you did, then why have you spent so long trying to change her since? She doesn't have to do everything that you do. 
The affair will have damaged her and the marriage a lot, no wonder she is struggling.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

bitlost said:


> Hello
> 
> For the past few years the relationship turned to a battle, I changed into a different person (education, self-development, work, social, etc...) I worked so hard on all aspects of my life, and my wife stayed on the same level. I encouraged her a lot until started to be pushy about her doing something rather than being neutral in the relation. But she stayed neutral, no improvement on any level, so I had a relation (no judgement) and that made her crazy. So she changed but to a furious, stubborn, rude ,etc.. lady even after years of this relation. Until now it's unbearable and we're talking divorce. Any advice?!


I'm sure it did fill her heart with resentment... you didn't blame her for that external relationship to your marriage, make her the excuse for your poor choices, did you?


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## bitlost (Nov 25, 2017)

Wow!
I got too many judgements here! 
How about telling me how can a person who loves someone live with him with so much disparity where everything is a conflict, and the weird thing is that I love her too much to let her go!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

bitlost said:


> Wow!
> I got too many judgements here!
> How about telling me how can a person who loves someone live with him with so much disparity where everything is a conflict, and *the weird thing is that I love her too much to let her go!*


It is not weird, it is love.
Yeah, love is weird.
It is something that is hard to control. 
Electro chemical, endorphinated red-magic. I used the word red so as to not discriminate.
And red is associated with heat. Passion ranges from warm to God awful hot. Hmmm?

Tell her that you made huge mistake in the past, you do not want the past to become the never ending future.
Tell her that you love the ground she stands on.
But, ONLY if that is a true statement.

Ask her if she loves you. 
Watch her eyes. If they look every which way but at you.....she likely does not.

Today is Fathers Day in the U.S.. 
She may obfuscate. That means she may 'hem and haw', to lie, to those in Los Angeles.

It is possible to hate someone and love them at the same time.
This feeling normally will shift in one direction or the the other. 
With one passionate feeling becoming dominant, viz., Love or Hate.

Eventually, their feelings about a person may turn to indifference. 
Then again, some people have no gene expression for 'dunno', for indifference.



The Host-


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

bitlost said:


> …….I changed into a different person (education, self-development, work, social, *CHEATER,* etc...


Your wife is angry, you say? Shocker!

Hopefully this advice isn't too judgy for you. Give her the divorce she deserves, then go back to your ''relation'' and live a happy, herpes-filled life.

Pre-coffee annoyance, please forgive me


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

When we get married, we expect to grow as individuals but as couples as well. When one does and the other doesn't there is resentment on both sides until something snaps...in your case your affair, but the problem is you thought you could confess and fix the marriage and go back to growing, but she did not grow before so instead got more angry...it's time to move on...maybe just maybe time apart might be the wake up call for her but I doubt it.


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