# Confused



## Happieward

Hello, I am having mixed feelings and I just need to know if I am being selfish or should I be there more for my husband.
To let you know a little, my husband and I have been married for 3 years now. I have 2 kids 19 and 16 he has 3 kids 19,18 and 16. My kids father is not in their lives but my step kids have their mother.
Okay... so about 8 months ago we decided the kids are getting older and he doesn't have a wonderful relationship with his which is another story, but w decided lets move out of state where we always have wanted to go. 
We made this decision together, spoke to all the kids, they can come or stay etc. I got a job out of state 3 months later, which they are wonderful because they are letting me work from home until we move in December. 
Just last month we bought our first home together where my new job is. I was so happy, I have never owned my own home before and we are now going to start somewhere new and fresh. 
When he went to put his notice in at his job his boss offered him a wonderful amount of money and his CPA training which he has been wanting. (his boss could of offered this before as he has knows for 5 years now) He offered it now though since my husband works his ass off for this man. Now my husband wants to take it. I would have to go back in forth out of state to work on the home, and train someone to work my job before I leave. I feel bad to quit my new job as they have been wonderful working with me until we move out there. I will have to now make my new home that I feel like I cant be happy about anymore an Airbnb or a rental. 
Yes we will be making a lot more money and my husband gets his dream, but why cant I feel happy for him? I just want to leave and take my 16 year old as my 19 year old has her own apartment with college. I am trying to be positive but I feel like I cry more than anything (and I am not a cryer) I just want to be happy. 
What are your feelings?? or thoughts?? I just need some advise. 

The confused one


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## Diceplayer

How far away is "out of state." For me it's ten minutes. Are you talking about scores of miles or hundreds? Has your husband looked for a job in the new location?


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## aquarius1

Hi Happieward and welcome. We value our privacy here so if thats your real name plz contact a moderator to change it for you.


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## Adelais

The reason you both decided to move was because you wanted to live somewhere you always wanted to live and have a fresh start. 

That hasn't changed. Just his current job conditions changed. They don't want him to go, and offered him a sweet deal.

He chose the deal over his plans and commitment to you.

Since you are self supporting and already have a job and purchased a home, you should go....with or without him.

If you stay you will resent him. 

Believe me, I understand where you are coming from. I'm not self supporting, so I have to go where my husband wants to go instead of going where I feel I need to go, in order to heal from the crap I've had to go through for the last 10 years with him. If I were self supporting, I'd go where I want to go, tell him to go where he wants to go (...maybe "to hell") and take it one month at a time. Eventually, if I wasn't ready to move where he is, or he didn't move to where I am, I'd file for divorce, if he didn't first.


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## Mr.Married

his boss offered him a wonderful amount of money and his CPA training which he has been wanting. (his boss could of offered this before as he has knows for 5 years now)


uuuummmmm......... setting up everything based on a man who didn't provide this to him before ..... risky ...

The boss may just as well change his mind again now that he has your husband nailed back down.

I've been in the same situation a couple times ...... I always left. 

I gave the old company long and fair warning of what I wanted ....they had enough time

I told the new place I was going..so I went. I keep my word.


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## Happieward

Hello, Yes please change to Happieward.
Thank you


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## Happieward

Hello, California to Colorado


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## Happieward

Thank you, Its just hard. I feel like if we stay nothing will change just more money, which I dont really care about. 
Happiness is key.


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## Mr.Married

People often trade happiness for "a sure thing".

We get too comfortable with stability sometimes.


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## Tex X

Why can't your husband work remote? Our company's accountant works remote and travels in to the office several times a year. It works pretty well.

Why is your husbands dream more important than yours? Seems like you've had the rug pulled out from underneath you. Everything has been planned, and you bought a new home. If his current employer is offering him a lot to stay, then it's reasonable to believe he could find similar employment in CO. I still think he should talk to his boss about working remote. People do it all the time.


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## Happieward

Hello, I asked him this yesterday as my brother even mentioned it. He hasn't even asked. He just states that it wont work as it will be too stressful and he wont be able to fix everything and problems etc. 
So he wont ask and he told me he wants to take the offer and this should be happening tomorrow. I think if he just asked it would have made me feel better.


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## Tex X

Happieward said:


> He just states that it wont work as it will be too stressful and he wont be able to fix everything and problems etc.


Well boo hoo for him. He should at least ask.


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## 3Xnocharm

Did he actually accept the job yet? I get that he wants this opportunity, but to go against all the planning that has been done... including the purchase of a new home!... I feel is selfish and wrong. If he takes the job, you should still make your move. Why does he feel that what he wants counts more than what you want? More than what you agreed to, planned, and are in the middle of implementing?? What terrible situation he has put you in.


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## Andy1001

Happieward said:


> Hello, I asked him this yesterday as my brother even mentioned it. He hasn't even asked. He just states that it wont work as it will be too stressful and he wont be able to fix everything and problems etc.
> So he wont ask and he told me he wants to take the offer and this should be happening tomorrow. I think if he just asked it would have made me feel better.


Your husband is extremely conflict avoidant. If he hadn’t given his notice to quit his boss would never have offered him a raise or training. Now he’s afraid to even ask about working remotely because it will upset his boss. 
Notice he has no compunction about upsetting you?
There’s an unwritten rule in business that goes along the lines of if you have a good man doing a good job then leave him doing it. This is what his boss was doing until he realized he was about to lose his work horse. Now just you wait and see how much extra work he will have to do to justify both the raise and the offer of training. 
You touched on the subject of his poor relationship with his children, is this another case of him not wanting to man up?
I think you should move, with or without him.


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## Adelais

mr.married said:


> his boss offered him a wonderful amount of money and his cpa training which he has been wanting. (his boss could of offered this before as he has knows for 5 years now)
> 
> 
> uuuummmmm......... Setting up everything based on a man who didn't provide this to him before ..... Risky ...
> 
> The boss may just as well change his mind again now that he has your husband nailed back down.
> 
> I've been in the same situation a couple times ...... I always left.
> 
> I gave the old company long and fair warning of what i wanted ....they had enough time
> 
> i told the new place i was going..so i went. I keep my word.


^^^^^^^ this!


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## Happieward

Thank you for your feed back. Yep he took the job today and as he was walking out he asked me, Are you doing okay? 
Serious... I just said please dont ask me that any more.


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## Marduk

Happieward said:


> Thank you for your feed back. Yep he took the job today and as he was walking out he asked me, Are you doing okay?
> Serious... I just said please dont ask me that any more.


Sorry to hear. 

I guess it’s over. Hope he knows it.


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## 3Xnocharm

Happieward said:


> Thank you for your feed back. Yep he took the job today and as he was walking out he asked me, Are you doing okay?
> Serious... I just said please dont ask me that any more.


So, now what?


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## Girl_power

Why do you feel like you can’t be happy unless you move? I think that’s a big issue here.


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## Cynthia

So it's his way or no way? Is that how your husband is? 

Have you closed on the home purchase or is there time to back out?


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## Happieward

Not sure really, I am leaving next week to work on the new house and work at my office. Then I will be back in 2 weeks to see what we are going to do. 
I dont know if this is a venting site, but why is this his first day and on his lunch he cant even text me to let me know anything, not even a hi! I am probably being petty but I think I am just hurt. 
I need to get over this.


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## Happieward

Yes, the home is closed as of October 15th.


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## sunsetmist

No text because he is conflict avoidant and knows he has done ya wrong.... I'd be angry as well as hurt. This is not an easy get-over as it could happen repeatedly in you life. Marriage should be two people working together--wants of both considered. If you always give in, well is that the life you want?


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## Diana7

If you had both agreed to move there, both wanted to move there, bought a home together and you have started a job there, then he was completely wrong for backing out. Not sure what you do about it, but he is in the wrong. 
Personally I think I would still go, you have a nice home in a place you want to live and a job with people who are treating you well. 
You could either have a long distance marriage or he can decide if he comes or not.


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## Happieward

Yeah, I am leaning on going, just sucks. I am going to go this month for 2 weeks and again in December to see how I feel and to see how he is as well.


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## sunsetmist

What is he expecting you to do? Does he discuss the situation with you?


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## She'sStillGotIt

Happieward said:


> What are your feelings?? or thoughts??


 I think you BOTH made a plan, *you* worked your tail off to achieve that plan while he did _some_ work, you both made a monumental purchase and bought a new home, and then at the 11th your, your husband **** all over both of your plans the second he got a bigger, better deal.

And he's left YOU hanging in the wind to fend for yourself after he's done a complete about-face.

_*That's*_ what I think.


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