# Is he abusive or am I wrong?



## Shae-zee (Jun 28, 2013)

Hi y'all. 
I am in my second marriage with a blended family. My oldest daughter from first marriage is 10 and I have a 5 year old and 3 year old son from this marriage.

I married very quickly the second time around and my husband changed after the birth of our second son.
He makes a big distinction between my older daughter and our younger boys. Not overtly to her, but behind the scenes like a mosquito in my ear.

For example, we went to the circus. They had a long break between the first half and second half of show. My daughter wanted to stay for the whole thing and my 5 year old was lied to saying it was over and my baby was sleeping. He wanted to go, I initially didn't move, then he was such a baby we ended up leaving. I still feel guilty, we never do anything with kids like that.

Recently there was an awards going-away at my daughter's school. I hired a sitter for my little ones. They had a program with songs etc. My husband wanted to leave as soon as she got her award. There was maybe 20 minutes left and I wanted to see her friends get theres. I wanted to stay for the tea after. I did put my foot down, our babies were with a trusted sitter and it was my daughter's moment. As soon as he realized I wasn't going anywhere, he became loud and obnoxious, making loud rude comments. It was like he was trying to embarass me in to leaving by being a jerk.

My daughter went to play date with her friend after the awards so when we drove home alone my husband yelled at me.
He said that I am selfish. I only think of my girl and don't care about our little ones. He says that I should just leave with her and leave him his boys as I always push things to the extreme limit.
He brought up the circus from a month ago as to how I never have respect for his feelings etc.

I felt that my older daughter deserved our attention. We hired a sitter for the young ones as it would be a long boring evening for them. As it was, we were home 45 minutes earlier than we told our sitter, so I don't see where I pushed the limit.

Was I wrong and thougthless? The evening and tea took approximately 2 1/2 hours total. I am getting silent treatment and it has been almost a week.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

This kind of behavior from your husband is awful for all three of your kids. Maybe a few meetings with a family counselor would help? If your husband won't change for you or your daughter's sake, maybe he will if a professional can convince him that he's hurting his sons as well.


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## Michelleinmichigan (Jun 26, 2013)

Shae-zee said:


> Hi y'all.
> I am in my second marriage with a blended family.
> 
> Was I wrong and thougthless? The evening and tea took approximately 2 1/2 hours total. I am getting silent treatment and it has been almost a week.


If those are your husband's faults, he is NOT abusive. He is simply honest. I prefer honest, over creep, any day of the week. There is no way a man or woman will completely love another child the same as their own. The fact that he doesn't overtly show the distiction says a lot about him in a positive way.

It seems that you are parenting your daughter from a position of guilt. Your husband will never share or approve of that. Your husband made a big statement saying that you should leave with your daughter.

Unless you want to face divorce #2, You need to change a few things. 

1) Put your husband 1st. Not only will he be nicer to your daughter. Your kids will be more confident. It is good for children's self esteem to have an authoratative figure in their lives as opposed to them being in control withou the wherewithal to deal. If he asks you to go, just go. Make him feel like nothing is more important than him, and he'll stop having temper tantrums. He feels unloved and disrespected. That will hurts everybody.

2) Stop being a victim. The fact that you easily label his actions as abuse isn't good. It could be a sign of baggage from the your past, or passive aggresive tendencies, regardless, it isn't fair to him.

"Abuse" is a step father who tries to spend time alone with their step children, and has a "special bond" with them only because he sexualizes and is grooming them. That is what too many women in 2nd marriages have to deal with, and most don't even know it. 

Your husband seems like a decent guy. Appreciate him and things will get better.

Try being a happy, selfless, loving wife that puts her husband first and sees what happens. It takes a lot of work, your children are worth it.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

With only your side of the story here, yes your husband is abusive.

It is good that you are standing up to him. Keep doing that.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

I was in the same situation that your husband is in.

I married a woman with a 10 year old daughter and we had two children together.

I went to every play, concert, awards day ceremony, back to school night, ... etc. I never missed anything her daughter was in. I stayed the whole time. We left when my wife was ready to go.

And mind you, this is a step that absolutely hated my guts. 

I did it because I love and respect her mother. I wanted us to be a family. I saw it as a package deal when I married her. I certainly didn't want to put my wife in the position of having to choose between me and her child. Any person worth their salt is going to choose their child.

Obviously, you husband doesn't share my understanding that he married a package deal and him expecting you to treat your daughter with any less respect than you do your other two kids is unreasonable.

I'm sure you love your daughter just as much as you love your other two kids. He needs to understand that, if he ignores your daughter, it's just going to drive you to try to compensate.

I learned a lot from my Step. I learned how desperate girls are for their daddy's attention. She rejected me in order to curry favor with her father. Didn't work. He just made other excuses for not seeing her.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Shae-zee said:


> Hi y'all.
> I am in my second marriage with a blended family. My oldest daughter from first marriage is 10 and I have a 5 year old and 3 year old son from this marriage.
> 
> I married very quickly the second time around and my husband changed after the birth of our second son.
> ...


I'm in your corner 100% on this one. 

It isn't that you and your husband had a disagreement over staying- that I think is fine. It's the way he handled it- that was unacceptable.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Michelleinmichigan said:


> If those are your husband's faults, he is NOT abusive. He is simply honest. I prefer honest, over creep, any day of the week. There is no way a man or woman will completely love another child the same as their own. The fact that he doesn't overtly show the distiction says a lot about him in a positive way.
> 
> It seems that you are parenting your daughter from a position of guilt. Your husband will never share or approve of that. Your husband made a big statement saying that you should leave with your daughter.
> 
> ...


Are you insane? There are other types of abuse than sexual. Silent treatment for a week. Why is it parenting out of guilt to want to stay for a child's entire awards ceremony when proper arrangements are made for the younger two? If the young ones were at event and tired and cranky, then I get wanting to leave. But OP says they were safe and happy with sitter. I don't get the circus issue - to me it sounds like you had to leave for sake of younger children whichever sense.
But the awards ceremony and silent treatment and punishment by being obnoxious - those are red flags for sure. I certainly wouldn't reward him by putting him first. Need more info
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## scione (Jul 11, 2011)

No, he is not abusive. He just want to be with his kids. I don't really see a problem with that. Also no matter how trust worthy the babysitter is I'll never truly trust anyone with my kids other than me.

From what you said, it's like he doesn't have enough time with them and he wants more alone time with them. I guess if you work all the time, every minute is important.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

I don't want to make a rush judgement without hearing his side, what other kind of behaviors does he exhibit?

Being loud and rude doesn't help his case, that's never called for.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

What about the daughter? Does she not matter in this?
I think I have to respectfully step away - hits a little too close to home. I was accused of neglecting our two you hers while my oldest son was in a coma. Sometimes with more than one kid - one just needs you more at different times.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shae-zee (Jun 28, 2013)

It's funny. 

I started with what I thought was the issue, but it is really just a symptom.

I did offer to go alone and he bring the boys for the tea part after the ceremony part was done. He didn't want that. 
If I thought it was because he truly missed the boys, my heart would be warm. But he just likes to use it as an opportunity to show what a bad mom I am.

Our boys have really dry skin and I was told by doctor to bathe them a few times a week other than good washing on diaper area etc. I was told that I don't bathe the boys enough and he never got to smell fresh baby powder on them when snuggling. Um OK, they were lotioned several times a day.

My husband signed up to coach soccer for our older boy. He went 3 times out of 20 times. I had to coach the rest. Near the end I had to coach and bring the younger boy too and look after both boys. Why? Because he needed to relax.

We both work outside the home. Other than him being the laundry nazi, I do everything else in the house. He doesn't even put the laundry away, that's my job too.

He has a special drawer in the fridge for treats etc. That's his drawer for him and the boys. I don't distinguish between kids, the treats I buy are for all.

He got upset with me for forgetting to tell him about a sleepover my daughter was having. He was going on an overnight trip for work so I didn't ask him. My daughter came up and asked about something regarding sleepover and he asked me about it. I said her friend was coming over the next Friday. I forgot to mention it but he wouldn't be disturbed as he wasn't here anyways. I would have eventually mentioned it, but didn't think to do so (still over a week away) until she brought it up. I didn't think I needed his permission. After she left the room, in front of our boys, he yelled that I was a effing sneaky liar. He was done with me. Later our older boy called me a liar. My husband tried to punish him for calling me that. I'm sorry - he was repeating his dad.

I have read the frog in the boiling water analogy and wow. It's like I forget things. Like I can't remember specifics. I'm scared I'm losing my mind.

As I write these things down, by the time things have passed, I feel it's my fault. Like I doubt myself. Did I really try to hide the sleepover from him? But why would I? I know my daughter was excited and would talk about it and I never told her not to. It's like everything is doubted and makes no sense!


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## Shae-zee (Jun 28, 2013)

scione said:


> No, he is not abusive. He just want to be with his kids. I don't really see a problem with that. Also no matter how trust worthy the babysitter is I'll never truly trust anyone with my kids other than me.
> 
> From what you said, it's like he doesn't have enough time with them and he wants more alone time with them. I guess if you work all the time, every minute is important.


We trust our kids with a trusted sitter. If it's for his events, it isn't a problem - same sitter. So the sitter isn't the issue.

Time with kids? I would be thrilled if he did things with them like go for walks or play in the playground. But he plunks in his recliner and watches sports and Two And A Half Men when they play around him.

We both work hard outside the home and majority of time off is spent with the kids. We were with one of the kids at her event. For the boys sake, we made other arrangements for them that evening. I thought it would be more fun for them than listening through a awards program.

I see alot of speculation in your response not based on any information I gave.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

If I was in your shoes, I would take a separate car so that you and your daughter can stay at things till they finish. Your husband can take the little ones home.

A similar dynamic happened with us only my husband was the one who wanted to stay places forever chit chatting when I was dealing with tired hungry babies and toddlers wishing he would be more considerate. (We are not a blended family, BTW)

Now I take a separate car and me and whichever kids are ready can leave when we want. We don't have to wait for him.

Sometimes we even take three cars now that we have a teen driver. They usually have to show up really early for school events.



> He says that I should just leave with her and leave him his boys as I always push things to the extreme limit.


Ridiculous over-reaction on his part IMO. And projection- he is the one pushing things to the extreme limit- telling you to leave (the marriage I presume) just because you want your dd to enjoy her events.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Without seeing both of you it's hard to comment on the issues, you're going to give us a one sided account.

There are things that are clearly not acceptable though. Denigrating you in front of the children, name calling, verbal abuse, these are all not OK.

What's your husbands take on all this?

Sometimes people come here and paint their spouse out to be abusive, while they ignore the things they do to contribute to it. They do that seeking validation that they are right, or to justify anger or resentment or so they can feel good about leaving.

I am NOT saying this is you, but it's all but impossible without being there or hearing your husband's take on it.

The best advice I can give is to record your interactions and review them later. That's how I realized that I was sane and my ex was the crazy one.


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## Michelleinmichigan (Jun 26, 2013)

He wants out Shae-zee. He is not happy, and that is what you are seeing, it is not abuse. 

What he does and doesn't do is really no longer an issue since he told you to "go with your daughter". You are dwelling on previous battles, when the other army has raised the white flag. You need to try and make peace.

Your best bet regardless, is to be as nice as possible. Your husband is currently not happy, he is not a pushover, and responds harshly and negatively to things he doesn't like. That is how most men are. The only thing that will get you anywhere with that bad bear, is honey. Then you can at least prepare yourself and try and deal with a potential divorce on friendlier terms.

Even if he has already made up his mind that he is leaving, at least if he sees you as kind and loving, he'll feel guilty and won't get as nasty as he could be about it. Otherwise if you think what he is doing now is abuse, wait until he decides to leave and take his sons.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Shae-zee said:


> It's funny.
> 
> I started with what I thought was the issue, but it is really just a symptom.
> 
> ...


^^He's really controlling and angry and he projects a LOT!

I suggest get yourself a good support network of friends and develop a very strong backbone.

Here's a good book for you to read. At the link a large preview is available for free from googlebooks: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Calling names is not OK and is verbally abusive as is the crazy-making (you doubting yourself) and the silent treatment. BUT that does not mean he is abusive.

You sense there is a disparity over how the children are treated. Is the girl's father involved? He may not feel he needs to play "dad" to her. Have you gone on a date while the kids are with the trusted sitter and express how you need all of the children to be treated equally?

Why not all or nothing with the kids? They ALL go to sis's program. I like the separate car idea, too. At least he stood up to the son for calling you a liar - hopefully he recognized his part in that. Did you simply calmly explain that you never thought about mentioning it since he was going to be gone but that you never attempted to hide it, either? That it wasn't lying by omission - it simply didn't cross your radar that this tidbit of information would be important to him?

Are you a SAHM? Is he resentful of that? If he complains about the way you do things (i.e. the baths) let him do it and don't micromanage. 

I'm sure he sees things differently - it's up to you to find out how he sees things and work on compromises.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Shae-zee said:


> After she left the room, in front of our boys, he yelled that I was a effing sneaky liar. He was done with me.


IME behavior like this is projection. 

Here is how projection works. Pretend he is looking in a mirror when he is spewing at you: He is doing something that if you knew you would be done with him. He's an effing sneaky liar.
and he's projecting his own guilt onto you

But that's my experience. I am his first and only wife, not a second wife. Perhaps a second wife gets the residual anger from whatever the first wife did to him?


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Some of his behaviour could fall into the category of abuse (the anger, yelling and silent treatment), but it also falls into the category of an immature, petulant, selfish individual.

I would get some MC before your H's behaviour starts to affect your daughter.


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## Pitbull5555 (May 26, 2013)

Upon reading the OP's first post my immediate thought was SEPARATE CARS! But someone already beat me to the punch. :thumbup:

Without having the other side to this story, I won't comment on his behavior. But, from my own personal experience, having a spouse who wanted to tag along to certain events, but didn't want to stay as long as I wanted to stay (and vice-versa), I implemented the separate car rule immediately. 

I let him know that he was more than welcome to accompany me to whatever event I was going to attend, and that I would be happy to have him accompany me, but that I was not going to be on his time schedule nor did I expect him to be on my time schedule. I let him know that I would not be upset if he wanted to leave earlier than me (or later ... but that is never the case) so long as he and I had separate vehicles. 

This has always been how we've done things since that very first incident. Granted, there are times when we DO go to certain things in one car. But generally, when it is an outing that we know the other will become easily bored with, this solves a lot of problems.


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## Busy Accountant (Mar 15, 2013)

SZ - My H exhibited similar behaviors for years (30 to be exact). Your frog in boiling water is a perfect analogy. 

I can only interpret your post in the context of my own life, so here goes.....


I suspect that you could go on and on and on with little examples like you have here. Each one on its own is something that you can pass off, however when put all together they point to a pattern of narcissism, childishness and yes, abuse on the part of your husband. I have an MC who will tell you that it is abuse, plain and simple.

It is very difficult to spot because its not like the abuse that is featured in articles or on talk shows. It is subtle and it wears you down over time. Way more attention needs to be giving to this kind of abuse because it can go on for years. Yep, you feel like you are nuts. Sometimes you feel like you can "perfect" your way out of the situation. You end up living your life walking on eggshells. H demeans you any way that he can. For now, he's got you on the ropes over your older daughter, but eventually he'll attack you for other things too. The more perfect you become, the more he will attack because its his way of feeling superior to you.

Here's the big question...do you want your children to grow up thinking that is how they should be treated or treat their spouses when they grow up? H will turn on them as well....just giving you a head's up.

The only way to get out of it is to put your foot down and tell the H to straighten up or get out. Have an MC with you, you're going to need it.


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## Michelleinmichigan (Jun 26, 2013)

golfergirl said:


> Are you insane? There are other types of abuse than sexual. Silent treatment for a week. Why is it parenting out of guilt to want to stay for a child's entire awards ceremony when proper arrangements are made for the younger two? If the young ones were at event and tired and cranky, then I get wanting to leave. But OP says they were safe and happy with sitter. I don't get the circus issue - to me it sounds like you had to leave for sake of younger children whichever sense.
> But the awards ceremony and silent treatment and punishment by being obnoxious - those are red flags for sure. I certainly wouldn't reward him by putting him first. Need more info
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Of course there are other types of abuse, but since none of us has the other side of the story, or even a complete story, it isn't possible to make those determinations. From what I do see, it isn't abuse. It is unhappiness. H is behaving like an unhappy man.

I don't assume she is parenting out of guilt because of the awards cermony, it is because all of their problems revolve around H feeling resentment towards what he percieves as W favoritism of her daughter. 

Despite that H obviously feels like he is getting the short end of the stick, he is careful not to show resentment in front of his step daughter. Then he was willing to go to his step daughters awards ceremony, and he was equally impatient at the circus with the boys. I think there is enough of a pattern with him to consider separate cars. 

W certainly has no problem insisting things go her way, she obviously "puts her foot down" and perhaps H feels manipulated and lied to. We don't know.

There is also the fact that W finds fault even with the good things that her H does. He does laundry (my husband doesn't do that), but he is the "laundry nazi" BUT doesn't even fold, he signed up as soccer coach, BUT... Went to the awards ceremony, BUT... She has a problem with everything he does, even good things.

My husband is like that. My husband seems to criticize everything I do. It makes me not want to do anything. That's his personality because he is controlling. It is very annoying, but I simply let him do everything. Haha

I have been married for 19 years, and have 5 kids, all with the same man. I know how men are, and they aren't like us. Although I haven't been divorced, I know marriage isn't 50/50. It takes 120%, and you can't keep score. I am not projecting anything. I simply know that there are 2 sides to every story, and Wife isn't perfect, I'm not perfect, and neither is anyone one else here.

To be perectly honest, W seems a little controlling herself, the fact that she is willing to bad mouth H, for trivial things, like calling him "The Laundry Nazi", while packaging all of this in a question of "Is this abuse" which also implies, "Am I a victim" smells to me like passive aggressive behavior. I can't say that it is obviously. But certainly no one is perfect. 

Regardless of all of that, the problem to me isn't whether H is abusive or not. The problem is he apparently wants out. What is the point of trying to figure out if he is abusive? The question should be is my husband in this marriage only because of his sons? I would answer yes.

She can either try and work it out, or simply walk away. Even if she ends up walking away, I think she should give it her all before doing that. To each his own.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Michelleinmichigan said:


> Of course there are other types of abuse, but since none of us has the other side of the story, or even a complete story, it isn't possible to make those determinations. From what I do see, it isn't abuse. It is unhappiness. H is behaving like an unhappy man.
> 
> I don't assume she is parenting out of guilt because of the awards cermony, it is because all of their problems revolve around H feeling resentment towards what he percieves as W favoritism of her daughter.
> 
> ...


We could all stay married if we swallowed everything and took the full blame ourselves. Is the goal just to say - wow I'be been married 20 years - but God was I unhappy. At least he didn't make his fit in front of the 10 year old, but when mom got pulled out at the end she would have picked up on it. She also must pick up on the rules regarding the different snack drawers. 
I base my thoughts of abusive red flags on the yelling, name calling and silent treatment. It flagged even more with passive aggressive on his part when he refused her offer to come with the separate vehicle with the little ones for the socializing part of the event. He was offered to take the other vehicle option, refused, then punished her by embarrassing her with his rudeness - name calling then silent treatment. I don't know if I expect many people would be excited their SO sign up for coaching, then dumped the job on the other spouse for lazy reasons. Is she nagging and complaining that she ended up coaching the team he signed up for? I don't see that as a positive for the husband.
Ya the OP called him a name here. Hopefully she shows more sense than him than to call him down in front of their children like he did to her. 
Is her husband a great guy and just frustrated. Nope. He may be frustrated but he has horrible communication skills.
Are we getting her faults? Nope but he's not here to tell them. And she doesn't deserve put downs and name calling. If he is accurate and she is a sneaky liar then either deal with it maturely or leave. 
Most women don't want a man we have to eat crap for. Most want a healthy relationship where things are discussed and worked on as a team. No game playing and accepting blame to keep peace. It is no accomplishment to have a long-term marriage where you are the pretzel and he calls the shots. 
I don't put the issues solely on the husband. I put the horrible communication and bullying solely on him though. Trying to embarrass someone to leave by being a loud mouth schnook and yelling at them after - when they were presented with option of coming on their own is being a bully.
OP can look after herself - but I feel sorry for the kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shae-zee (Jun 28, 2013)

Wow,

No where did I say I was perfect. 

I did put my foot down regarding the awards ceremony. I am in no way controlling or I would have him put away the friggen laundry and do the one task he does to completion. Being we both work full time and I do all the cooking, cleaning, dishes, dusting, floors, bathrooms and yard work, I don't think I am being unreasonable in wanting that one task to completion. Yes my frustration is coming out and name calling is never right. 
I don't feel like giving him any rewards for coaching. It is me stuck doing it. I never would have signed up to coach. I am not good at sports and I do not have time. If he had no interest then he should have left it to someone else. He just wanted to look like the hero to coach his bosses' son but when he saw it was work decided to leave it to me. I don't think I am being cruel to him nor passive aggressive in being annoyed with that. There is no 'but' in this statement. Him dumping coaching duties on me is wrong. It is not a good thing he does.

I am not happy about the crappy things he does. There is nothing in your list that is a good thing he does that leaves me unappreciative. We went over the coaching thing.

We went over laundry - great do it - but FINISH it. I do everything else. 

And the awards night. Again no reward from me. No BUTs there. He was given the option of not going. He was given the option of coming under his own steam and coming later. He chose to come then make my event miserable when HE didn't get his own way. I don't think it is unreasonable to be unhappy when someone by his own free will chooses to come decides to pout when someone wants to stay to the end of the event. He knew how long I planned on staying as I had the sitter booked until 7:30pm. As it was we were home 45 minutes earlier.

I don't think I'm being controlling or miserable when I am upset that he tries to manipulate me to leaving early by loudly beaking elementary school children loudly so the audience can hear. I'm surprised an angry did didn't punch him in the face.

I did put my foot down. I should have started doing that a long time ago and maybe we wouldn't be where we are now.

If he is here because of our sons only - then I have my answer anyways. He won't be taking his sons and leaving as they are our sons and I have done nothing to lose them. I'm not saying I'd take them on him, but we would need to figure out how to co-parent separately.

I am not a victim. I am not looking for 'you go girl'. I am looking at best for all my kids.


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## Michelleinmichigan (Jun 26, 2013)

The best for all children is to have a loving family.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

If your husband signs up to coach and blows it off, you should not pick up his slack, nor should you pick up his slack on any household chores he promised to do. 

Let the laundry pile up, and let him face the consequences for making a commitment he doesn't keep (the coaching). As long as you keep "fixing" things for him he is going to keep making messes for you to clean up.


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

Shae-zee,


It's a shame he's trying to treat your daughter like a second class citizen. It should be, "love me love my daughter". Did you say he has a drawer in the fridge for him and the boys? Is she prohibited from that drawer according to him? 

Yeah, I think discriminating against her because shes a stepchild IS abusive. She will pick up on it if she hasn't already and how hurtful would that be?

I think your H needs family counseling so he can learn how things work in a functional blended family. 


BTW, I think there's an ignore feature you can use for certain posters if needed.


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## Michelleinmichigan (Jun 26, 2013)

True story: Early in my marriage, went to bed, pissed as usual. My husband was a pain in the ass. I accused him daily of being verbally abusive. I said my prayers, probably as I was grinding my teeth.

I fell asleep and was dreaming that as I was praying, suddenly a woman came to me and said, "stop, this is wrong. How can you pray with anger in your heart. Do you see how you feel about your husband? Well if you don't stop this now, your son is going to be in the same situation as your husband." 

It was the strangest dream but somehow I understood what she was telling me better than I could ever explain it. She knew who she was talking to because I would take a bullet for my son, and I suddenly realized that my husband's actions that I took personally, were in part because of his upbringing, nothing to do with me. My husband was somebody's adored son, he is God's son. We are all full of quirky imperfections, and only God can judge us. Was I the compassionate wife I would want my quirky, but loving son to have? NO way. The thought of my son having a wife like me that didn't understand him at all, made me panic. I could so easily see him being like my husband. Except I love mt son no matter what, and know how special he is.

Once I was able to see my husband from that perspective, and realize this affected my children's future relationships, I treated him differently. I also started to see my defects, and the reality was that I was a proud, grudge holding brat, who felt entitled to my animosity and bad feelings towards other equally imperfect human beings. 

I was the one who didn't communicate well and didn't understand how he could not possibly know that what he was doing was offensive or hurt me. It took me a long time to figure out he really didn't know.

I changed, and then he changed. Instead of calling him abusive and being silently resentful all the time, I explained to him calmly my feelings. "I'm an only child and sensitive, I don't like criticism, do not treat me that way in front of other people it makes you look bad". Like a child I had to tell him repeatedly. I still have to tell him. I learned not to take things personally, and that made me a much better person.

I also learned to look for all the good things he did, as I would my children. He criticized me, but I certainly didn't appreciate anything he did. When I became appreciative, he changed even more. 

My husband is/was a bully, but reality was that my passive aggressive abuse was even worse, and it was something that I was blind to. I always knew better than to think that I could change other people. I can certainly work on myself. I had a hard, prideful heart, and that was a big cause of his tantrums. 

He taught me how to forgive. When I blew up, it was ugly. I would throw the entire kitchen at him. He forgave me, and got over things easily. I could never do that. Eventually, instead of seeing all his defects, I realized he had many good qualities I lacked.

He says he loves me now 20 years later, more than when he met me and he would take a bullet for me. I feel the same. He's still not perfect and neither am I. I have to forgive him everyday, but that makes me a better person.

Just pray about it friend, and don't leave it to limited human understanding. I wish you well.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

sigh.....

Again, your husband is abusive. You are not crazy. He acts like a big whiny, sulky, moody child when he doesn't get his way. If he doesn't treat your daughter equally as his sons, shows favoritism, etc. then you are doing your poor daughter a great disservice by staying with this man. Where is her father? Does she get to spend any time with him?

You work full time & do almost all of the chores around the home. You have 3 young children & a husband that expects YOU to coach a sports team that he signed up for? Seriously?

No wonder you are unhappy in this marriage. I think you need marriage counseling. Go alone if he refuses. Good luck.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Your daughter has GOT to be picking up on his resentment toward her. I think its downright rotten and dirty. HE seems to be the one projecting favoritism toward the boys, not you toward your daughter. Every kid deserves one on one time and attention from their parents. 

If he wont agree to counseling, I think that you should start making plans to leave.


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## VeggieMom (Jun 25, 2013)

From the perspective of another mom, he basically ruined your special day as a proud mom. It is rude under any circumstances (barring illness of course) to leave a ceremony or concert or any event until it is finished. Maybe point out that if everyone did this, the last child would only have his or her own parents clapping. 

My husband has different behaviors than yours, but basically I have stopped asking him to go to events. If he does, I often ask him to meet us there in his car so he can be late if he wants to be (which is often). And afterwards I can stay and chat with the other parents while he leaves.


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## Shae-zee (Jun 28, 2013)

I have thought long and hard over many of the comments here. I do understand what you are saying Michelle, if the situation was that he is just an all-around grump. With wanting to leave these events early - that would be an example where he treats all the same. Our boys had to leave the circus early just like he tried to push to leave the awards ceremony early.

Where I have the problem is how he jumped on me saying that I am ignoring the boys or makes mention that my daughter and I are one side and he and the boys are another. These are her brothers. She is their sister. There is no distinction in their eyes. 

Anything that requires attention on her is a problem. If she asks for help with homework, I get told later that she should get help from the teachers during recess and that is taking time away from the boys. It is that bad. He doesn't make a stink in front of her, but I get it behind the scenes and I am a nervous wreck trying to do the best for my oldest child and face the sh!t storm after the fact.

This is almost like a journal for me because my husband twists things so much. I will be discussing issue and he will switch topic completely to something I do wrong that is in his favour so the conversation ends with him being the victim.

He is very demanding of my time in general. Our older boy was invited to a birthday party. He's still little, so it was decided I would take him. We didn't know the family at all, so I stayed. They had games and I waited til the end of the event and came home. I guess I was later than my husband thought I should be, so I get told that I don't want to be home around him so I must be avoiding being at home. I'm sorry - what? I did spent the last half hour, stressed because I knew there would be hell to pay when I got home. But I'll be damned if my son will be dragged out early for no reason.

A few weeks ago my daughter had a medical appointment in a larger center about an hour and a half away. We had to leave at 6am, so it was decided that my husband would stay home with the boys. We had our appointment, stopped for a fast-food breakfast and came home. My husband pouted and is still upset that we didn't bring him home something for breakfast. Excuse me? Do you want a two hour old egg mcmuffin? Or should have I starved my daughter to wait until we got home to eat?

I am sure you would all realize that I spend alot of time doing housework. Well yesterday he wanted to go outside and the kids play while he was sunbathing. I was in the middle of a huge kitchen clean up and he wanted me to come outside too. I said I was just finishing up mopping the floor and would be right out. He mutters to the kids under his breath that mom doesn't want to spend time with them. Like how does and should someone even defend that? If he wants mom to spend more time maybe he should get off his lazy ass and help out around here.

I'm in a dark place right now. I hate him being home, I hate travelling with him, I don't respect him as a parent - either to lenient or way over the top.

We have tried a counselor, but he quits when it gets to the work part. he likes telling his stories etc., but when it comes time to do the work, he is gone.

I know there are good things. I know I make the situation worse by doing what I want and dealing with consequences later instead of putting my foot down. Maybe I need to get firmer with my boundaries instead of ignoring.

I forgot to answer - my daughter's father passed away before she was born. We were not together at the time and his side of the family has never chosen to meet her though I did try at the start.


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## Shae-zee (Jun 28, 2013)

VeggieMom said:


> From the perspective of another mom, he basically ruined your special day as a proud mom. It is rude under any circumstances (barring illness of course) to leave a ceremony or concert or any event until it is finished. Maybe point out that if everyone did this, the last child would only have his or her own parents clapping.
> 
> My husband has different behaviors than yours, but basically I have stopped asking him to go to events. If he does, I often ask him to meet us there in his car so he can be late if he wants to be (which is often). And afterwards I can stay and chat with the other parents while he leaves.


I feel so stressed with him all the time. I have never clock watched so much in my life. I feel like every even is an excuse to suffer through to get home to do.... nothing.
I am not going with him to anything anymore. I have read through some of your thread and so many things are familiar. Sorry for your situation.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

There should BE NO CONSEQUENCES that you have to deal with! You are doing NOTHING wrong! You are participating in your children's lives! Your husband is a narcissist, and you are never going to succeed in making him happy no matter what you do.


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## Michelleinmichigan (Jun 26, 2013)

I'm sorry Shae-zee. I do know how you feel, because when my H is unhappy he is the same way if not worse.

Sometimes the people who need you the most, are the most difficult to deal with. I would simply deal with him from a perspective of (how would I want my son's wife to be with him?). I would want her to love, and understand him. Just try to be the person you would want your son to have as a wife. You know your sons can be difficult. How should his wife react and deal with it?

You always have the option of getting out. The fact that he changed after your 2nd son makes me believe that he isn't simply an abusive person, and you should try to turn things around.

It could be that he doesn't think you love him, and that is how he projects is hurt. Do you really love him? If not, ask God to help to you love him the way he needs to be loved. 

If there are children involved, I will always advise people to try in their marriages unless there was infidelity, physical abuse, porn, or other addiction problems. So many people have dealt with ridiculous betrayals and abuse and manage to overcome.

I wish you the best and hope this is a temporary bump in the road.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Shae-zee said:


> Where I have the problem is how he jumped on me saying that I am ignoring the boys or makes mention that my daughter and I are one side and he and the boys are another. These are her brothers. She is their sister. There is no distinction in their eyes.
> 
> Anything that requires attention on her is a problem.


Is it possible that the difference in how he treats them is not a blended family issue but a gender issue?

My all American H vastly favored his sons even though his daughters are his own. Worldwide, there is a huge shortage of females due to a common preference for male offspring (sex selective abortion, female infanticide- thankfully H did not believe in either of those options :slap


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## Busy Accountant (Mar 15, 2013)

SZ - My heart breaks for you.

Your marriage and your H should be a source of support...a refuge as you face life's challenges. Instead, H is one of life's challenges. I understand how life is easier when he's not around. I felt that way too.

Your examples of the birthday party you attended with your son and the sunbathing incident are indicators that H's problem is not limited to just your daughter. I could understand a step father's frustration if he felt that a step child's dad was a dead beat dad, but the fact that your daughter's father has been deceased really takes that excuse away from your H. H knew your daughter was part of the package when he married you, right?

SZ - You need to reflect on what you want out of life and your marriage. The vows you took with your H go both ways and include way more than simply fidelity. Things like honor, cherish, nurture....from the stories you are telling, sounds like H is not keeping up his end of the promise. You need to feel comfortable that you are keeping your promises, that you have done everything in your power to save your marriage and your sanity. If you have, there may be no other path to follow other than to consider ending the marriage. The possibility of divorce may be the only opportunity to save your marriage, however you need to feel certain when you use it that you mean it. I hope it turns around your marriage...it did mine. If it doesn't, then the marriage and your H wasn't what you thought it was anyway.

I am thinking of you.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Shae-zee said:


> *He is very demanding of my time in general. *
> ...
> *I did spent the last half hour, stressed because I knew there would be hell to pay when I got home.* But I'll be damned if my son will be dragged out early for no reason.
> ...
> ...


I think you need to 

grow a backbone, 
learn to stand up for yourself and the kids more firmly, 
stop walking on eggshells, 
let his criticism and complaining go in one ear and out the other. 
stop cleaning up his messes (if he commits to something, you keep your hands off of it- eg coaching, laundry)

Did the above with my H and things have changed for the better. Don't reward demanding, critical, angry, whiny behavior by making yourself into a pretzel trying to avoid setting him off. Read page 152 at the link right from the top and see if it sounds familiar.


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