# Need versus Want?



## Momof3kids (Nov 24, 2009)

One of the things that I struggle with inside my marriage is the idea of wanting your spouse versus needing your spouse. The idea of need versus want is very specific for me. In my mind, need implies that you would not be able to function without your SO in your life. Want implies that you desire them in your life, choose to include them in your life, etc. 

So, my question is three-fold:
1) Do you view needing and wanting your spouse as inseparable or are they separate feelings?

2) If you view them as inseparable, why do you view them as such? If you view them as separate feelings, why do you view them as separate? 

3) For those of you who view them as separate things, how does it affect your relationship with your spouse?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Huge massive - glacier sized want. 

The fact I don't NEED her is a big deal though. It means I am not clingy and she isn't clingy either - she wants me a LOT but doesn't need me.




Momof3kids said:


> One of the things that I struggle with inside my marriage is the idea of wanting your spouse versus needing your spouse. The idea of need versus want is very specific for me. In my mind, need implies that you would not be able to function without your SO in your life. Want implies that you desire them in your life, choose to include them in your life, etc.
> 
> So, my question is three-fold:
> 1) Do you view needing and wanting your spouse as inseparable or are they separate feelings?
> ...


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

I need my wife to be happy, and I think she would say the same of me. But I don't need her to stay alive.

If she stepped in front of a bus tomorrow, I would be very unhappy for a long time; a hole would be punched in my life that probably would never heal while I lived. But I still have our children, and our grandchildren, and I would go on for as long as I can, to be there for them. I don't need her like I need oxygen.

I think she would say the same of me. I would worry if I thought she couldn't make it without me, because I am older and men have a shorter life expectancy. I don't want her to have a party or anything; I've told her I want weeping and gnashing of teeth at my funeral , but I would want her to be as happy as she can for as long as she can, assuming I go first.


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## pinkprincess (Jun 10, 2008)

Your thread has made me think about what you asking and i think now i can answer...


in relation to question 1.....i dont think they are seperate questions.... I want/desire my husband becasue he makes me so happy he is there for me when i "need" him and knows when to back off when i need to work things out for myself.

I need him in my life to be there when i need him and to make me "me"he is part of who i am and a part of the reason i am they person that i am today, now please dont get me wrong i am not saying that i would not be a complete happy person if i didnt have him becasue i know that if i had to be i would survive, but i honestly believe that i got married to thye one special person who i love want and need. And when i pledged to share our lives i did that knowing that i was a part of some one else now and so did he therefore we both want and need each other thats what makes a marriage work, a good balance between individuality and working together...

So, my question is three-fold:
1) Do you view needing and wanting your spouse as inseparable or are they separate feelings?

2) If you view them as inseparable, why do you view them as such? If you view them as separate feelings, why do you view them as separate? 

3) For those of you who view them as separate things, how does it affect your relationship with your spouse?[/QUOTE]


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## Momof3kids (Nov 24, 2009)

This is something that my H and I disagree on. He argues that they are the same thing. I, however, see them as separate things. 

When we were discussing it the other day, I told him that I think about like I think about food. I need nourishment for my body to work. Just about anything can work - fruits, vegetables, meat, whatever. My body takes in those things and uses them to help it function. However, given a choice, I want things like cheesecake and chocolate and ice cream... I certainly don't need those things to live - but I want them! Another example that I used was clothing. I might want new shoes, but unless my old pair has a million holes and generally doesn't cover my foot anymore, I don't need them.

He understands the concept, I think, but he still disagrees. He says he "needs" me in his life, that he would be unable to function without me. The issue becomes that he knows the same is not true for me, that I can (and do) function without him for the most part due to our job situations and his drinking. Of course, maybe he has a point based on what I just said, huh? lol!


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## WantsHappiness (Jun 17, 2009)

Momof3kids said:


> This is something that my H and I disagree on. He argues that they are the same thing. I, however, see them as separate things.
> 
> When we were discussing it the other day, I told him that I think about like I think about food. I need nourishment for my body to work. Just about anything can work - fruits, vegetables, meat, whatever. My body takes in those things and uses them to help it function. However, given a choice, I want things like cheesecake and chocolate and ice cream... I certainly don't need those things to live - but I want them! Another example that I used was clothing. I might want new shoes, but unless my old pair has a million holes and generally doesn't cover my foot anymore, I don't need them.
> 
> He understands the concept, I think, but he still disagrees. He says he "needs" me in his life, that he would be unable to function without me. The issue becomes that he knows the same is not true for me, that I can (and do) function without him for the most part due to our job situations and his drinking. Of course, maybe he has a point based on what I just said, huh? lol!


I tend to agree with you. In general I don’t need my H in order to survive. I have and could again survive without him. I don’t depend on him to live, to get through the day. In this way I separate want from need, I don’t think they are one and the same. 

I understand how this can be romanticized by saying that a person needs their SO, two halves equal a whole, but that’s just not how I see it. I don’t see myself as half a person and H as another half. I see us both as whole individuals who have blended our lives together each bringing different things to the table to compliment each other. There are times that he is weak and I help to hold him up and there are times he does the same for me. I think it affects our marriage if one or the other gets too dependent for too long which has happened to both of us. When that happened on my end I know that I lost a sense of myself, who I am, and in that case I’m not bringing the best I have to offer to the marriage. When my H was being overly dependent I know I started to feel drained after awhile. 

I think that in your situation your H does very much need you and that stems from the co-dependency that comes with drinking. I believe that he believes that he needs you. You probably know that he does as well and if your H can straighten himself out a little bit I think he will become less dependent and over time be able to see it from your perspective.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Momof3kids said:


> need implies that you would not be able to function without your SO in your life. Want implies that you desire them in your life, choose to include them in your life, etc.


Interesting question. My answer would be that I clealy *feel *"I NEED" my husband, but if the worst happens, I am sure I could 
survive without him BUT I would not be surviving very happily. Just surviving for a time until hopefully I found love again. 

I think I am one of those women who almost *NEED* a man >> I want a man to love, to take care of & to be there for me - in emotion & the physical. But in saying all of this, I do not feel I am obsessively clingy or co-dependent, just that I value Romance to such a high degree, that I would not feel "complete" being Single for long stretches of time - in my own life. I LOVE being married. 

I just asked my husband what he thought and he felt he NEEDED me , but again, he would survive, he justs says I am the brains of the operation and it would all fall apart without me. He looks at the term "WANT" being more something that is not necessary in life, and he could not reduce his feeling to say he just "wanted" in this area.


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## Dryden (Jan 5, 2010)

> 1) Do you view needing and wanting your spouse as inseparable or are they separate feelings?


I think it depends on your perspective, but to me they are separate. I don't NEED my spouse to survive. Granted if I were to lose her, I wouldn't be surviving very happily. 

There are definitely times where I NEED her help with something or it won't get done though.



> 2) If you view them as inseparable, why do you view them as such? If you view them as separate feelings, why do you view them as separate?


I view them as separate because if I WERE to lose her, while it would be devastating, I would still continue on living. Things would be much more difficult though.



> 3) For those of you who view them as separate things, how does it affect your relationship with your spouse?


I think it actually helps our relationship because neither of us are overly clingy with each other. We allow the other to do their own thing when they want to. We still love to do things together, but it's nice knowing you can still go and be your own person too.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The only things you NEED are oxygen, water, and food. We ALL can survive without our spouse, in one form or another. The rest is all relative.


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## Dryden (Jan 5, 2010)

Technically we need shelter too.

Survival rule of 3. Generally a human can survive: 3 hours without shelter, 3 days without water, 3 weeks without food.


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## pinkprincess (Jun 10, 2008)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Interesting question. My answer would be that I clealy *feel *"I NEED" my husband, but if the worst happens, I am sure I could
> survive without him BUT I would not be surviving very happily. Just surviving for a time until hopefully I found love again.
> 
> This person hit the nail on the head, i feel the same about if i lost my husband that i would survive just would not be happy... i am different in the way that i dont think i would fall in love again one day if i did lose my hubby....


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

One of the huge issues with "need" in a relationship is, does this person "need" me, or does s/he just need a relationship?

"Need" is generally tied to insecurity, and it's "all about me" for the person who is "needy." The main question is, "What do you do for ME?" 

"Want" tends to be about the OTHER person--there is something so amazing about you that I just want to be a part of it.

I find it impossible to feel valued when I'm "needed" by another adult. My individuality, what makes me special, is secondary at best or entirely irrelevant as long as I'm there to shore up another's self-esteem. 

Someone who is secure and self-sufficient won't "need" me but may sure as heck want to spend time with me. They enjoy me for who I am but their self-esteem is not dependent upon me in any way. I value such people and miss them if gone, but my self-esteem remains intact with or without them.

I love my sisters, but my self-esteem isn't dependent on whether or not they are in my life. My happiness is tied to them, b/c I love them so much. If I lost them, it would be a huge loss-but not b/c I'd feel like a worthless human being. I would miss what they added to my life. 

My ex and I were on opposite ends of this spectrum. He needed a relationship (and replaced me within a few weeks when I left, because I-as an individual-was never important to him), whereas I'm not even dating, simply because I'm too busy and just don't have any pressing desire to (no real animosity to the idea, but no motivation to look for or create opportunities to meet people I could date).


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## Momof3kids (Nov 24, 2009)

sisters359 said:


> One of the huge issues with "need" in a relationship is, does this person "need" me, or does s/he just need a relationship?
> 
> "Need" is generally tied to insecurity, and it's "all about me" for the person who is "needy." The main question is, "What do you do for ME?"
> 
> ...


Sisters - this is exactly what I was getting at... This isn't a question of death or divorce or a permanent separation. This is a day-to-day thing for me. His claim to "need" me is exactly that, I think - a focus on what I do for him. It's not that he couldn't be capable; it's that he enjoys the fact that I do things for him. His self-esteem is dependent upon other people (me particularly) which is something that drives me nuts... 

I couldn't put it into words - but you did it beautifully! Thanks!


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## larniegrl (Oct 7, 2009)

There have to be separated. You cannot have a healthy relationship with another person if you "need" them for mental, emotional, spiritual even physical survival. 

Even with children...they have to grow up at some point at quit "needing" their parents. If they don't...they never become whole adults. I struggled separating the two in my marriage, and it became co-dependency, on my part, very quickly. Because I needed him in order to be happy...I struggled daily to make the situation better by changing whatever I could, bending over backwards...because I needed stability. It is a need that no man can fill...its wrong to even ask for it. 

I want my husband...very much, but I need to be able to live with myself and encounter life's challenges as a complete adult. On the same note, (following sister359) I want him to WANT me...not need me.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I have been thinking about this since you posted it, momo3k.

I do think they are separate, but as in most things, perspective blurs the lines between needing and wanting.

Survival is not the same as living. Throw in codependence and what you want can be tied up in how you live.

I want my wife. For all of my coping mechanisms, establishing myself as an individual, and accepting that we cannot recover; the simple truth remains. I want her. Along with pushing all the wrong buttons, she still pushes the right ones too. She is the epitome of my 'type'. She is tall, lean, fit, attractive - and take the sexual issues out of the equation, and the sex with her was the most gratifying and fulfilling of my life. We made an outstanding team, but we had a broken partnership.
I do not need her - but despite both of us moving on, I still want her. This makes me question if I truly have moved on. I can't imagine _not_ wanting her. I suppose I'll fake it til I make it.

But ... I need my kids. I actually believe part of the struggle with letting go of the desire for my wife, is tied up in how much I utterly despise being separated from my children. I need them. I need them to be safe, provided for, and loved. By filling the need of working long hours, and travelling to assure they continue to have a roof over their head, I cannot have what I want, which is simply to be with them, play with them, love them, and parent them.


I 100% understand the choice you made in your situation, and if possible in our case, I would choose it as well - in a heartbeat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zato (Apr 1, 2010)

I don't know this but to me need and want is the same thing cause that is what I need and want ... my spouse. 

But they are different and in most cases such as mine, it means the same.


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