# Ladies... friendship.... loyalty? betrayal?



## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Ok so I hope this doesn’t come across as crazy but I am going to be as short as possible.

I had one friend we will call Am we were in a newly formed friendship (30s) well this friend after a while thought it was perfectly ok to be at my home while I was at work, with my husband. 

Supposedly nothing happened but during the situation unfolding my friend Pm (close friends for a year) heard all the details from me, agreed how wrong it was. I had even asked my husband if they had a legit reason to be with each other (a club) he should tell me when she was at our home, he didn’t 3 times that I know of. 

Well Pm in the meantime and I grow much closer. Suddenly though within the last month due to arrangments of my childcare, and a selling party, Pm has become super friendly with Am, to the point that Am is now at Pms house on a regular basis while Pm recovers from an outpatient surgery. (she is not alone her sister lives there and her husband has been home until yesterday).

One day I didn’t go because Pm told me Am was there, but I tried to dismiss it. Then today Am shows up while I am at Pm’s house visiting and brings with her a bag of goodies.

I am upset and hurt that Pm would friend Am knowing what happened between us, and what she did with my husband (she admitted to Pm, but not to me, they had an emotional connection and this just happened to stumble out of Pm’s mouth while at my home when involved in a conversation with me and my mother!) 

So that 1 hurt me, that she didn’t tell me as soon as she knew it! If she had questions about her marriage and I heard anything (even if she didn't have questions and I heard something I would tell her)

So now the two gals are all buddy buddy but my friend Pm keeps texting she misses me and wants her bestie to come back over and I am like a sister to her, etc. etc…. HELP. 

How do I address this issue, especially given she just had surgery. (Although this friendship was apparently well in bloom before that as the two would wait for chidlren at the bus-stop. Pm was watching my children who got off at the same bus stop as Am- Also Am for a while was my back up.... until the last time my husband and I had a blow up over her being here and him not telling me, despite me asking him to tell me).

To summarize A was my friend until she started hanging with my husband, P knew about this and knows I don’t like her at all, but now is friendly (invited to parties, and has been at her house frequently in the last month) The two have discussed my marriage at some point for Am to admit to Pm they had an emotional connection (which I now view as an emotional affair)….. Am has even been at Pm's home A couple times during my “regular” coffee visit times…. I don’t know how to address it without sounding high-schoolish, but I also feel sort of betrayed (am I wrong?)
I am fiercely loyal, I would never seek out a friendship with someone who did her wrong (and I do have an example that I could use to say, hey how would you feel if I became friends with so-and-so)
I had already ended the friendship with Am, I am cordial when we are at the same place, although she goes above and beyond cheery friendly. I cannot do that. She knows how I felt as I told her. Though again she always only claimed she and my husband were "just friends". 

Or should I end the friendship? Please be honest.... I don't know if I expect too much in a friendship to expect someone who claims to be my best friend after knowing each other over a year, and sharing everything with each other, our families spent Thanksgiving and Christmas together even. 

I just feel at a total loss.  Please advice wanted~~~


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## NWCooper (Feb 19, 2013)

I would feel betrayed too. I would just tell friend P, when she tells you how much she misses you, the truth. Friend A crossed the line with your husband, everyone knows it, and if P continues her close friendship with her she cannot expect you to just be okay with it. It's not high school feelings, it's a basic loyalty thing. It's also wrong of P to have A over when you are there, knowing what she knows. Is it possible P is enjoying the drama of all this and being in the middle of it it, because that is really over the top and not very friend like.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

I'm with NWCooper and you - it is a betrayal on P's part, and your husband and A were having an emotional affair. Has your husband dropped all contact with A? He needs to. But that's a whole other ball o' wax.

I would say the same things NWCooper is recommending to P. 

I have a friend I've known now for 23 years. She and her then boyfriend used to be my and my then husband's next door neighbors. Her boyfriend and I, it turned out, loved the same football team. I would watch their games sometimes with the two of them when my husband was out of town, which he was a lot for his work, and stay for dinner, hanging with her in the kitchen while she cooked. One time, she was out of town, too, and her boyfriend invited me over to watch the game. I asked her if she was OK with that, and she told me no, she wasn't, because her boyfriend had made so many comments about how great I was, it bothered her. So I didn't, and kept my distance from him from that point on unless she did the inviting and the three of us did things together. I'm still friends with her now, and this was 20 years ago.

Neither of these women is your friend. Least of whom A, of course, but P should have had your back - especially since she professes to be your best friend and is clearly not just some passing acquaintance who can befriend anyone she wants. I don't blame you for how you feel. And you sound like a much better person than they who deserves much better friends.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Nomorebeans said:


> I'm with NWCooper and you - it is a betrayal on P's part, and your husband and A were having an emotional affair. Has your husband dropped all contact with A? He needs to. But that's a whole other ball o' wax.
> 
> I would say the same things NWCooper is recommending to P.
> 
> ...


Yes he has stopped all contact that I am aware of. 
I know A is not my friend, I do not talk to her anymore. 

I am so glad some ladies finally responded that I am not crazy thinking and feeling like P has betrayed me. 
(Thank you for your comment, I am fiercely loyal which is what bothers me, I thought that P and I were the same)


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

NWCooper said:


> I would feel betrayed too. I would just tell friend P, when she tells you how much she misses you, the truth. Friend A crossed the line with your husband, everyone knows it, and if P continues her close friendship with her she cannot expect you to just be okay with it. It's not high school feelings, it's a basic loyalty thing. It's also wrong of P to have A over when you are there, knowing what she knows. Is it possible P is enjoying the drama of all this and being in the middle of it it, because that is really over the top and not very friend like.


She just had surgery on Monday so I cannot bring it up at the moment, but A is taking full advantage and over there every day. Yesterday while I was there, A showed up. I have to wait until I know there is no way she can use her meds as an excuse.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

You're totally right to feel betrayed by P. I would just avoid both of them. As someone else said, P is probably enjoying the drama and A is definitely after something... she sounds unstable. First she sticks to you like glue then does the same with P?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I'd be terribly hurt by the actions of PM... yes ---this is a friends Betrayal... anyone would feel like you...you are not crazy in any way...it's all in PM's motives, ya know.. what is she after.. does she get high on the drama of others.. how is this acceptable.. it's certainly not loyalty to YOU -during this hard time... when friends are there to have our backs... How could she -- Knowing all she knew...

I'd chop this one off, though if she asks again.. I would be honest with her to how you are left eating this alone..... let her chew on that.. if this doesn't bother her.. then you haven't lost much .... but still none of this will make it any easier ...things like this erode the trust in humanity.. sorry to say.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

I would tell P how you feel. I'm like you, in that I consider having loyalty to be a big deal, and if someone betrays me, I don't forget and forgive. My best friend, on the other hand doesn't operate like that. She sees the good in everybody, including me. We had a similar situation, regarding mutual friends that I felt betrayed me. She admits she can't hate them or be angry with them the way I am. But she told me that I am more important to her than they are. So she could happily not have a thing to do with them. So I accept that she sees the world differently and have to remember that I need to tell her how I feel.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I'd be terribly hurt by the actions of PM... yes ---this is a friends Betrayal... anyone would feel like you...you are not crazy in any way...it's all in PM's motives, ya know.. what is she after.. does she get high on the drama of others.. how is this acceptable.. it's certainly not loyalty to YOU -during this hard time... when friends are there to have our backs... How could she -- Knowing all she knew...
> 
> I'd chop this one off, though if she asks again.. I would be honest with her to how you are left eating this alone..... let her chew on that.. if this doesn't bother her.. then you haven't lost much .... but still none of this will make it any easier ...things like this erode the trust in humanity.. sorry to say.


This evening I did just that, told her how I felt, asked how she would feel if I friended her exbest friend who betrayed her. she paused and thought about her answer, before stating that she wouldn't care, she would just warn me. Then came up with all these reasons why having this other person there is convenient right now. She ended with she also believes in keeping friends close and enemies closer.... I don't know. I am hoping that she has over the night to think, and after her answers I am definitely taking a major step back.... it just sucks, we moved here (entirely new city and state 4 years ago and so much of my time is spent working I don't have many friends here to begin with. Then the one I do get close to thinks it is okay to hang with my husband. And the other that I get really really close with is now friends with the OW in an EA with my husband. That she admitted to my friend. 

Maybe my friend does like drama, i am not sure, she usually isn't into that sort of thing. I have taken a step back and they do have a lot in common in life in terms of both being military wives, and both stay home, and sell a similar product line together, but still. I got my answers for the most part tonight, my friend doesn't see anything wrong with being friends with this woman, because it is a "different level of friendship" no where near as deep as our friendship and never will be.... that is what she said. 

Again I have to take a step back. The emotional conflict is hurtful.


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## NWCooper (Feb 19, 2013)

Nope, not buying it. Deep friendship??? You told her how you felt (betrayed) and she said she has no problem with continuing the friendship because it is convenient. That sure makes her sound like a user kind of friend and also a friend that doesn't care about your feelings. That is no kind of friend I would want.

If she tries to continue the conversation of your deep friendship, I think I would just laugh at her and walk away. And that bulldoody about keep your enemies close, is just that, bulldoody!


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

livelaughlovenow said:


> This evening I did just that, told her how I felt, asked how she would feel if I friended her exbest friend who betrayed her. she paused and thought about her answer, before stating that she wouldn't care, she would just warn me. Then came up with all these reasons why having this other person there is convenient right now.* She ended with she also believes in keeping friends close and enemies closer*.... I don't know. I am hoping that she has over the night to think, and after her answers I am definitely taking a major step back.... it just sucks, we moved here (entirely new city and state 4 years ago and so much of my time is spent working I don't have many friends here to begin with. Then the one I do get close to thinks it is okay to hang with my husband. And the other that I get really really close with is now friends with the OW in an EA with my husband. That she admitted to my friend.
> 
> Maybe my friend does like drama, i am not sure, she usually isn't into that sort of thing. I have taken a step back and they do have a lot in common in life in terms of both being military wives, and both stay home, and sell a similar product line together, but still. I got my answers for the most part tonight, my friend doesn't see anything wrong with being friends with this woman, because it is a "different level of friendship" no where near as deep as our friendship and never will be.... that is what she said.
> 
> Again I have to take a step back. The emotional conflict is hurtful.


The bolded part would cause me great concern. Are you her friend or her enemy? You see, I am totally loyal to my friends and no, I would absolutely not "keep my enemies closer", especially at the risk of loosing the friendship of a true friend.

From your story AM had an emotional affair with your H. Although your H seems to be over it and has no contact with AM, It would appear to me that AM is still fishing (gossip? drama?) about information on you and your H, and PM seems a bit too willing to "play along".


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

survivorwife said:


> It would appear to me that AM is still fishing (gossip? drama?) about information on you and your H, and PM seems a bit too willing to "play along".


:iagree:


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

survivorwife said:


> The bolded part would cause me great concern. Are you her friend or her enemy? You see, I am totally loyal to my friends and no, I would absolutely not "keep my enemies closer", especially at the risk of loosing the friendship of a true friend.
> 
> From your story AM had an emotional affair with your H. Although your H seems to be over it and has no contact with AM, It would appear to me that AM is still fishing (gossip? drama?) about information on you and your H, and PM seems a bit too willing to "play along".


Actually I just found out yesterday from my 12 year old daughter in the morning when she gets dropped off at her bus stop (despite my husband stating he needs to hurry and leave to be at work) he stays and AM comes out and they talk... so not all contact has been lost there....

In addition the bold part concerned me as well... I was kinda like what???

CLEARLY I need new friends, but friends are harder to make as you get older, and my best friends live so far away.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Huh ??? He stays and talks with her at your daughters bus stop ?

At this point they have taken their relationship underground. You need to assume it is both an EA/PA. At this point you are the female version of a nice guy. You need to to take three steps for your own, your daughter's and your marriage sake. 

Read: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html

Read: Critical Readings For Separation and Divorce - LoveShack.org Community Forums

Read: Exposure 101 - Your Most Powerful Weapon - Marriage Builders® Forums

You mentioned both women are military wife's. Are they still married. Are the husbands deployed ? In ether event you need a face to face with her, tell her about the bus stop and ask her point blank if there is any reason NOT TO ASSUME physical adultey is not taking place. Judge her reaction not her answer. 

You might find many @EleGirl and @ RoseAglow comments helpful. Please read some of their posts.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Sorry it is @RoseAglow


Have this conversation first with PM then A and finally your husband.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

I had a LONG talk with Pm today (my friend). She is solely using Am because of a downline in a sales thing, and she said she truely thought she had already told me, she has no intentions of being more than her upline contact... she made that very clear. However for now she is being friendly to gain her trust and try to get info. She already confided one portion and when I told her (after I felt comfortable she was telling the truth and she was very sincere in her apology and not thinking it through how I would perceive the relationship).... anyway... so hopefully Pm can get some more info.. .


JohnA I believe you are correct I will read the suggested posts. I have another post in Coping that I will be watching... I will update when I find out more.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Toxic friend. If she's a friend she would not put you in this spot and then essentially blow you off once you talked to get about it.

Sounds like a life of drama forever having those two around. And, they'll just call you jealous because of the husband issue so no need to debate with them. 

You want advice?

Get rid of her as a friend immediately.

Secondly, you need to tell your husband that AM contact ends, period. Boundaries need to get put in place ASAP. Tell H what you know about him waiting to see the woman.


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