# First post. Separation and divorce blues



## Cnelso22 (3 mo ago)

Currently separated at my husband of 15 years request. It’s been 6 months of counseling ups and downs and he doesn’t see us ever working things out. Although we’ve had our fair share of arguments I’ll admit that this blindsided me. I wake up every morning feeling like this CANT be real. This isn’t the life I envisioned or that we’ve worked towards all these years. I miss my best friend - he seems content in life while I continue to float aimlessly. We have 3 kids so I know we will have to see each other occasionally but every time I see him or talk to him it’s like the wound reopens. This pain is rough. Anyone have similar stories or any encouragement? I feel like this is pretty much rock bottom for my life.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Cnelso22 said:


> Currently separated at my husband of 15 years request. It’s been 6 months of counseling ups and downs and he doesn’t see us ever working things out. Although we’ve had our fair share of arguments I’ll admit that this blindsided me. I wake up every morning feeling like this CANT be real. This isn’t the life I envisioned or that we’ve worked towards all these years. I miss my best friend - he seems content in life while I continue to float aimlessly. We have 3 kids so I know we will have to see each other occasionally but every time I see him or talk to him it’s like the wound reopens. This pain is rough. Anyone have similar stories or any encouragement? I feel like this is pretty much rock bottom for my life.


Welcome to TAM @Cnelso22 , I’m really sorry you’re here.

You’re getting the right idea when you talk about seeing him and how much that hurts. Try to stop that, there are co-parenting apps that will help to avoid contact. Or you could use a third party as drop off/pick up.

I know this sucks, there just isn’t a way to sugar coat it. All you can do is take one day at a time and try to be strong for your kids.

Do you have friends, family, church or anyone else to help support you?

Think of this time as you would grief. They are very much the same. it’s ok to grieve or hurt in the way you need to, but you still have to take those steps every day to heal.

What we’re the circumstances of your separation? You seem pretty surprised by it. Is there no chance of reconciliation?

Chin up. It will get easier.


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## Cnelso22 (3 mo ago)

Thanks for the response! It really does feel like I am grieving. Similar to when my dad passed. It’s just so much to process.
We have always had passionate fights. He has a temper and I struggled to deal with his outbursts. I didn’t appreciate yelling, hitting walls etc especially after my kids were born. When we argued about this, I’ll admit I could be cut throat in my approach.

In april we began fighting a lot more, and he began to work later every night and make plans most weekends. He initiated the separation soon after, and didn’t want me knowing where he stayed. Still tried counseling, and he insisted on continuing to be intimate any time he came by. I begged for us to work things out. Then I found questionable texts on his phone about a coworker. He insisted he loved me, but soon after said he wasn’t sure he’d ever move home again.
I have a pretty large family, and they’ve been supportive. Just those moments when disbelief settles in and I’m alone. Its so hard.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Don’t be surprised if he wants to continue the booty calls when he sees you. That would be a bad idea — for you (great for him though since he can add you to the rotation).


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Cnelso22 said:


> Thanks for the response! It really does feel like I am grieving. Similar to when my dad passed. It’s just so much to process.
> We have always had passionate fights. He has a temper and I struggled to deal with his outbursts. I didn’t appreciate yelling, hitting walls etc especially after my kids were born. When we argued about this, I’ll admit I could be cut throat in my approach.
> 
> In april we began fighting a lot more, and he began to work later every night and make plans most weekends. He initiated the separation soon after, and didn’t want me knowing where he stayed. Still tried counseling, and he insisted on continuing to be intimate any time he came by. I begged for us to work things out. Then I found questionable texts on his phone about a coworker. He insisted he loved me, but soon after said he wasn’t sure he’d ever move home again.
> I have a pretty large family, and they’ve been supportive. Just those moments when disbelief settles in and I’m alone. Its so hard.


A lot of people here on TAM have been through separation and divorce because of infidelity. It’s very common actually. So there are a lot of wonderful people here who can help. You’re among friends.

You can always come here to talk, to ask questions, to vent, or rant a little bit.

Common advice around here is to move quickly through this and get yourself free of someone who would hurt you like this. He is not to be trusted going forward. Try to see him as the enemy for betraying and hurting you and your kids like that. And for what? Some strange? How dare he. Get a little bit angry about it and it will help you.

Best of luck to you @Cnelso22 , TAM is here for you.


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## Cnelso22 (3 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> Don’t be surprised if he wants to continue the booty calls when he sees you. That would be a bad idea — for you (great for him though since he can add you to the rotation).


For the last month or so, I have stopped. It’s to confusing and I began to feel that way… part of the rotation!


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## Cnelso22 (3 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> A lot of people here on TAM have been through separation and divorce because of infidelity. It’s very common actually. So there are a lot of wonderful people here who can help. You’re among friends.
> 
> You can always come here to talk, to ask questions, to vent, or rant a little bit.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much! I’m grateful to know others are understanding. Some days I feel crazy. Ha.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I divorced after a very long marriage. It wasn’t something I ever wanted to do but serial cheaters rarely change. It was the most difficult thing I’ve ever done but it was definitely for the best. I got my life back. You will too. It may take longer than you think it should but you will.


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## Cnelso22 (3 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> I divorced after a very long marriage. It wasn’t something I ever wanted to do but serial cheaters rarely change. It was the most difficult thing I’ve ever done but it was definitely for the best. I got my life back. You will too. It may take longer than you think it should but you will.


It’s so extremely difficult. I am glad you got your life back. I hope for the same. I’ve never really envisioned a future without him. It’s pretty scary.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

There is a new-ish thread on here, where the member divorced and her ex husband is depressed and remorseful but she loves her new life without him so much, that she wouldn’t think of going back. Her ex cheated as well and just know it will get better. Far better than you probably can imagine. Stay strong.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

*Deidre* said:


> There is a new-ish thread on here, where the member divorced and her ex husband is depressed and remorseful but she loves her new life without him so much, that she wouldn’t think of going back. Her ex cheated as well and just know it will get better. Far better than you probably can imagine. Stay strong.


Good call @*Deidre* 

@Cnelso22 Check this thread:








Gone from being suicidal to never been happier ……


Just thought I would share my story. In a nutshell, found out my husband was having an affair for a few years back in 2012. I tried absolutely everything to get him back but in summary we got divorced eventually in 2018. I honestly thought I would never be the same again. I left the marriage...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Good call @*Deidre*
> 
> @Cnelso22 Check this thread:
> 
> ...


That's the one! Thank you for posting it, I couldn't find it earlier. 😊


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Cnelso22 said:


> Currently separated at my husband of 15 years request. It’s been 6 months of counseling ups and downs and he doesn’t see us ever working things out. Although we’ve had our fair share of arguments I’ll admit that this blindsided me. I wake up every morning feeling like this CANT be real. This isn’t the life I envisioned or that we’ve worked towards all these years. I miss my best friend - he seems content in life while I continue to float aimlessly. We have 3 kids so I know we will have to see each other occasionally but every time I see him or talk to him it’s like the wound reopens. This pain is rough. Anyone have similar stories or any encouragement? I feel like this is pretty much rock bottom for my life.


I get it. I know where you are coming from. 

I just divorced my ex-wife of 15 years (20 years together) at the start of August. It still doesn't seem real. I never thought this would be me... but this is my life now whether I like it or not. I have two kids and I saw my ex-wife for the first time tonight since July. We don't speak and we don't get in each other's eye sight. I can't stand the thought of her, but we have to raise our children. I had to see her at parent teacher conferences tonight. I didnt say one word to her or even look in her direction. 

That's just the way I roll. If there is cancer in my life, I cut it out and don't look back even if sometimes memories over the past 20 years flood my head. 

I can tell you this, it does get better. I feel more relaxed on my own. I enjoy the company of my children a lot more now that she isn't around. And I definitely look forward to the prospect of finding a good woman for the first time in my life. 

The pain is rough right now, but you will get through this and be better on the other side.


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

Ah hhhhmmmm., the co worker...Do you know anything about this person ? Is she married ? Your husband separated because he want to try out the new girl and keep you on the hook... I know it s%cos. See an attorney


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

He’s cheating. He’s been cheating from the start of this when you started fighting all the time. Classic symptoms.

My suggestion is to pack his bags and file for divorce and forget him because once this crap starts it never gets better and in the end always goes to pot.

trying to use logic, talking, reminiscing, etc just makes cheaters run further.

let him have his affair partner and stop believing a word he says because he’s a liar.
See an attorney tomorrow.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Cnelso22 said:


> Thanks for the response! It really does feel like I am grieving. Similar to when my dad passed. It’s just so much to process.
> We have always had passionate fights. He has a temper and I struggled to deal with his outbursts. I didn’t appreciate yelling, hitting walls etc especially after my kids were born. When we argued about this, I’ll admit I could be cut throat in my approach.
> 
> In april we began fighting a lot more, and he began to work later every night and make plans most weekends. He initiated the separation soon after, and didn’t want me knowing where he stayed. Still tried counseling, and he insisted on continuing to be intimate any time he came by. I begged for us to work things out. Then I found questionable texts on his phone about a coworker. He insisted he loved me, but soon after said he wasn’t sure he’d ever move home again.
> I have a pretty large family, and they’ve been supportive. Just those moments when disbelief settles in and I’m alone. Its so hard.


Hes having an affair and is in the affair fog. You need to do the following

1. get evidence of affair
do the 180, no communication except about kids, no crying, nothing, go cold. NO booty calls ever! Tell him if he wants to stick his **** in other women, yiu are done! You need to find your righteous anger and follow through and divorce him. Otherwise you will live a life of uncertainty and distrust, this will get better. 
2, do you live in a fault state?
3. Go see a bull dog lawyer asap to see what your options are
4. Get Std tested
5. tell all family and friends what is happening and your suspicions about this co worker
6. once you get evidence blow up his and her world by telling everyone and contact the company HR Dept and tell them
7. take care of yourself, sleep eat exercise and get anti anxiety meds from Doctor if necessary


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## Cnelso22 (3 mo ago)

LATERILUS79 said:


> I get it. I know where you are coming from.
> 
> I just divorced my ex-wife of 15 years (20 years together) at the start of August. It still doesn't seem real. I never thought this would be me... but this is my life now whether I like it or not. I have two kids and I saw my ex-wife for the first time tonight since July. We don't speak and we don't get in each other's eye sight. I can't stand the thought of her, but we have to raise our children. I had to see her at parent teacher conferences tonight. I didnt say one word to her or even look in her direction.
> 
> ...


Thanks! Hoping to get to that point soon. I do enjoy time to myself, but I just can’t get past this “this cannot be real” phase. Thanks for the encouragement.


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## Cnelso22 (3 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> He’s cheating. He’s been cheating from the start of this when you started fighting all the time. Classic symptoms.
> 
> My suggestion is to pack his bags and file for divorce and forget him because once this crap starts it never gets better and in the end always goes to pot.
> 
> ...


I have had a gut feeling. He swears up and down that he doesn’t have anyone. But cannot handle being with me. He generally seems composed when I see him, whereas I’m a freaking mess. He doesn’t seem to hurt like I do and that pisses me off.
but I agree- been trying to reason with him or even bargain and he always has a reason not to come home.


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## Cnelso22 (3 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> There is a new-ish thread on here, where the member divorced and her ex husband is depressed and remorseful but she loves her new life without him so much, that she wouldn’t think of going back. Her ex cheated as well and just know it will get better. Far better than you probably can imagine. Stay strong.





Jimi007 said:


> Ah hhhhmmmm., the co worker...Do you know anything about this person ? Is she married ? Your husband separated because he want to try out the new girl and keep you on the hook... I know it s%cos. See an attorney


I attempted to friend her on social media early on in our separation. She wouldn’t ever accept- told him immediately she didn’t want to be involved in our issues. She’s single, and according to him a very good friend. He told her all about our issues and goes to her for advice (apparently)


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Cnelso22 said:


> I attempted to friend her on social media early on in our separation. She wouldn’t ever accept- told him immediately she didn’t want to be involved in our issues. She’s single, and according to him a very good friend. He told her all about our issues and goes to her for advice (apparently)


It is almost a sure thing this is an affair. You won't want him back anyway after this.

Don't do a pick me dance... let him go... tell them that you love him so you want him to be happy and move on.

The sooner you take the steps to end the marriage, the sooner you will begin to feel better. You don't deserve to be treated this way.


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## Lostinthelight (6 mo ago)

This hit close to home. We all feel your pain and like others said, get an attorney and know that your doubts are most probably justified. He’s having an affair. Move on, and be happy. It’ll take time but you can do it.


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## Cnelso22 (3 mo ago)

Lostinthelight said:


> This hit close to home. We all feel your pain and like others said, get an attorney and know that your doubts are most probably justified. He’s having an affair. Move on, and be happy. It’ll take time but you can do it.


Thanks! It’s just beyond my comprehension how I could give so many years of my life to someone for it all to come crashing down. I cannot wrap my brain around it.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

I have little doubt that he is in an affair. Do not take him back. My experience with this is, I had a really good woman as a client. She, in my estimation could have her pick. Her H was a piece of work. When he suddenly wanted a separation, I was absolutely convinced he was having an affair. She let him move out. and I put my PI onto him gratis. Took less than 48hrs. She was beyond blindsided, and was angry and vengeful. Apparently, he was coming by in a few days. She arranged a Tinder date, and arranged to get caught. WH had an absolute fit. She produced the PI file and said, "Sauce for the goose. You wanted something outside the marriage, well things cut both ways! Don't like it, there is the door" She worked out the marriage. Let him know that she was now in the drivers seat. If he had any problem with that, don't let the door smack your ass on the way out.


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