# DW is pissed off again



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

and I can't open up to her about what is the problem.

I either need some good excuse that is plausible, or a bottle of ipecac or some equivalent self-sickness-inducing potion.

We have been planning to go to our granddaughter's birthday party tomorrow night. Daughter of her son, my step-son.
My step-son won the genetic lottery. He was a natural born salesman, and he has done very well for himself financially.
His mother is very proud of him (rightfully) and so am I, but going to his house always makes me feel second-rate.
This party is scheduled for 5 PM tomorrow. This house is an hour away from us.

She just called me and told me about our grandson's football game at noon. She wants to go and our son invited us to
come back to his house for the 4-hour layover period (he is in a peewee league, game is very short) between the game and
the party.

I had mustered the courage for the couple-hour party, but I don't know how I will endure 7 hours of feeling worthless. I just
got laid off from my job Monday and already feel pretty low to begin with. 

I didn't make excuses to her on the phone, but I would really
like to let her go to the game and back to her son's house, then I'll drive my own car to arrive in time for the birthday celebration.

Historically, trying to explain how I feel going there has not been well-received. She takes it as some kind of attack upon her son, and
it isn't that at all. A few years back, I didn't want to spend extreme time there for some other reason, and she accused me of hating
him because he is successful. I told her that it is not him who I hate, it is myself who I hate. She doesn't "get it", she has no idea of
why I don't want to go.

Anybody have a suggestion?


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

edit: this was a dumb post i edited out because i read something wrong


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

You're divorced? If you are, you have no obligation to go anywhere with your ex. He is your step-son & step-grandson. You are under no obligation, unless you want to join in for personal reasons.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

This is your ex-wife?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

We're not divorced. Still married, living in the same house. And, I really didn't think I had any obligation
to hang around people who make me uncomfortable, even if I am married. I do it for her so she can have me
around at family functions there. 

I don't want to give the impression that I'm mistreated there, I'm not. It's my own feelings.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

TJW said:


> We're not divorced. Still married, living in the same house. And, I really didn't think I had any obligation
> to hang around people who make me uncomfortable, even if I am married. I do it for her so she can have me
> around at family functions there.
> 
> I don't want to give the impression that I'm mistreated there, I'm not. It's my own feelings.



I am sorry for this 2x4 but you need to man up. YOu are the one with the boulder on your shoulder. You need to go and get help with IC to deal with your issues of self esteem instead of projecting them onto your step son and creating family strife. 
Talk to an counsellor, this could well be something rooted in your past and nothing to do with the present.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

oh nevermind i get confused at acronyms and you meant dear wife not divorced wife

well there might be some baggage going on with her and yourself.

like, if she's just accusing you of hating her son because he's successful, that's weird.

if you say you hate yourself, wow you gotta work on that.

anyway what makes you feel worthless?

for the record, i don't really dig being around wife's family at all and I just feel like a bump on the log (strange enough, she usually does too....)


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Is she a good loving wife? If so put on your happy face and weather the storm.

Time to man up you can do it . Your wife is proud of her son and you said you are also she wants to see her grand kids and spend time with her son. Go and be sociable put your feeling in a bag and and make the best of it.

You will be glad you did after its over. And your wife will be also.

Good luck


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

TJW said:


> We're not divorced. Still married, living in the same house. And, I really didn't think I had any obligation to hang around people who make me uncomfortable, even if I am married. I do it for her so she can have me
> around at family functions there.


No, but it would be a whole other level of dysfunction if she were your ex-wife.



TJW said:


> I don't want to give the impression that I'm mistreated there, I'm not. It's my own feelings.


You haven't. I'm sorry that you feel so badly about yourself that you feel ashamed to be around someone who wants you around. Please do some reading about shame and see what you can do to get some peace. This is not healthy for you to feel ashamed to be you.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Just read your thread about how your wife treats you.

Why would you go to her sons house? 

After reading that thread I have to say why are you still married?

Your an electrical eng! Find a new job after being laid off even if it out of state and kich that ride woman to the curb!

As far as being good in the sack ...its take two. If she just wants to lay there being plowed by some big **** then shes not very good in the sack herself!

Sex is about pleasing eachother not just being pleased.

Have the stones to leave this woman! Already!


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

TJW;18628922
She just called me and told me about our grandson's football game at noon. She wants to go and our son invited us to
come back to his house for the 4-hour layover period (he is in a peewee league said:


> Suggestion-
> 
> Go to your grandsons pee wee football game.
> 
> For your grandson and you. You can dig deep and do this. And someday- your grandson- will remember THAT day and that his grandfather was there.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

I really don't know the answer because I have grappled with something similar. I used to go to family things that made me feel very anxious and low afterwards - it would literally take me months to feel good about myself again just in time for the next family gathering. If I made my excuses I would feel very guilty...and sometimes made to feel very guilty.

I also felt very resentful at DH for seeing what it put me through and yet didn't try and ameliorate it in anyway. Then it dawned on me one day...I am the one to make the choices and don't need anyone's permission to do anything. I make the choices I deal with the consequences.

Saying that I was very lucky that when I did finally decided to make my own choices about what I do with my spare time DH was actually very supportive, as were 2 of his siblings. I personally think your wife should be a little more considerate to how these things make you feel and allow you to make some compromises as to the things you do and don't attend.

BTW my BIL has started going to family gatherings and leaving after an hour or so. I think his wife finally gets how hard it is for us married into the family and has cut him some slack.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

TJW said:


> We're not divorced. Still married, living in the same house. And, I really didn't think I had any obligation
> to hang around people who make me uncomfortable, even if I am married. I do it for her so she can have me
> around at family functions there.
> 
> *I don't want to give the impression that I'm mistreated there, I'm not.* It's my own feelings.


Well, this is a horse of a different color.

In life, this is called sacrifice. We cannot choose our own body, our parents, or much about our children... once they are born.
These people are what they are.

And this holds true about blood relatives, and to a lesser extent inlaws.

Stop being 'all about you'. You sound very rigid and a fuddy-dud.

You married your wife and are now a member of her family and she yours.

You have said that they do not mistreat you. Well, you cannot make the same claim.
Get a grip on yourself and grow up. You sound immature and spoiled.

Just Sayin'


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

SunCMars said:


> You have said that they do not mistreat you. Well, you cannot make the same claim.


Yes, sir, I can definitely say that I have never mistreated them. And, I understand sacrifice, I am not refusing to go for the party, I agreed to do that already. 

I was at this grandson's soccer game 2 weeks ago, went with the entire family to dinner, and have been to all the grandchildren's games, recitals, etc. on several occasions.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

chillymorn69 said:


> Your an electrical eng! Find a new job after being laid off even if it out of state and kich that ride woman to the curb!


Yes, as to finding a new job, that is clearly on my short agenda. Honestly, I don't even need one that badly, we could survive for years even if I got none.
But I'm not good at being a man of leisure.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

peacem said:


> I personally think your wife should be a little more considerate to how these things make you feel


I agree. I'm going to tell her that. I let her "off the hook" hundreds of times when she wanted to do things with her family and friends in preference to me.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

TJW said:


> Yes, as to finding a new job, that is clearly on my short agenda. Honestly, I don't even need one that badly, we could survive for years even if I got none.
> But I'm not good at being a man of leisure.


On leisure..

Not a Liege, for sure!

King of your' castle, maybe.

But castles require maintenance, constant input.
Yes, keep working, keep being productive.

I too 'was' an Electrical Engineer. ....pigeon holed myself into management, first line supervision, later into adjunct production line efficiency. Never totally away from direct supervision..my dream. 
A good fit, but one that gave me fits. Cost constraints and head butting blocked lofty plans. Compromise is the tune that I could not dance to, cater to. At least, well, my doing this dance... well.

On home life? I readily compromised, finding easy peace, doing so.
Follow the wife's lead, not taking any of it too seriously, especially yourself, in this strange feminine realm.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
No one can affect how a person feels about themselves except them. Admittedly, your thoughts are self induced and can therefore only be self resolved. Abstaining from family functions is treating the symptom but allowing the underlying issue to remain. I have found that often there is a certain amount of good fortune involved with success and that pure hard work and dedication are sometimes not sufficient to accomplish ones idea of "prosperity".

I therefore tend to view "success" more from a position of satiation than pure accomplishments. Honor, integrity, loyalty and so forth are, to me, more indicative of a man's "success" than what type of vehicle he drives or what fashion of house he resides in. You must learn to be the man you are and not allow others perceptions to invade/persuade your assessment of yourself. Granted, a wife who has understands this as well is invaluable in assisting in ones own acceptance of it but it is not an essential ingredient.

If you are a man of honor, dedication, hard work, integrity, loyalty, etc. and can provide the necessary needs of life then you are indeed successful despite what you drive or the house you dwell in, IMO. Perhaps try viewing it from that perspective.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

sandcastle said:


> Suggestion-
> 
> Go to your grandsons pee wee football game.
> 
> For your grandson and you. You can dig deep and do this. And someday- your grandson- will remember THAT day and that his grandfather was there.


Again- go to your grandsons football game.

Just do it.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

TJW said:


> We're not divorced. Still married, living in the same house. And, I really didn't think I had any obligation
> to hang around people who make me uncomfortable, even if I am married. I do it for her so she can have me
> around at family functions there.
> 
> I don't want to give the impression that I'm mistreated there, I'm not. It's my own feelings.


I'm somewhat confused.

You had a drunken experience with one woman, a gf who didn't like sex with you unless she was drunk and then a terrible wife that complains about everything about you including your too small penis and you are old enough to have grandchildren? 

Did you have have something like a 20+year dry spell before you met this terrible woman?

You seem a little under experienced for a grandpa aged fellow.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

GF prior to any marriage = "a gf who didn't like sex with you unless she was drunk" 

W1 = "a terrible wife that complains about everything about you including your too small penis"

W2 = "You had a drunken experience with one woman"
but it was prescription drugs. She died of an overdose.
20+year dry spell was 18 years of this marriage preceded by 4 years of W1

W3 = "a wife that complains about everything about you"
but is not "terrible" and has never mentioned my privy member

65 = "you are old enough to have grandchildren"

And, I agree that I'm under-experienced.


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