# Best Way To Approach



## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

Brief story: My wife had an EA last summer with a neighbor. I suspected but didn't have proof until I discovered the call and text log from her cell phone from her phone carrier website. The number of calls and texts were extreme and were deliberately deleted and hid. We have moved and she has been doing the steps to R. Things are at a pretty good place although I do trigger sometimes.

I still check the phone and text logs on the website just to verify and have not found any contact(I doubt she would use that method anyway since that's how I discovered and she knows I have access). However I decided to go backwards and check what was happening before the EA. I never really looked in that direction just because I was so focused on the OM. I discovered an out-of state number that called and texted a fair amount from Oct. 2010 to May 2011. Nowhere near what she and OM did but enough to make me curious and to be honest, suspicious. Her EA with OM started in July 2011.

The number is no longer in her cell. It looks like maybe someone she met at a work conference as the time of the first texts seem to be right around when she went to a conference. However the calls and texts seem to be on weekends when they would not be talking work. Spokeo gave me a guy's name but the number is no longer active. 

Any suggestions on the best way to approach my wife on this? Our R has been going pretty well so I hate to accuse or bring up something that may be nothing. But I do admit my trust level is low after having been lied to so often last summer. I don't have any hard proof as to the content of the texts and they weren't massive in comparison to the OM. I guess my fear is a pattern that I just didn't notice until OM.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Did she had the same phone at that time? If she did can you pull the backup's from the computer?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Its my experience that adultory is a behavior pattern, once the step is taken to cheat then each additional time it gets easier. Its addicting.

Have you had the talk "tell me everything and if I find more I'm done" talk? If you haven't then this may be a good time. If you have are you ready to let her go?

This may be a good chance to get this monkey off her back and clean the air. Now would be a good time to confront her 2nd life once and for all. 

Holding it in won't help you heal, confront and except her story. It may be an oppertunity for her to own her crap and heal her self also.

Everything realy needs to be on the table, no more secrets you both need to heal and truely face this head on.

Approach her with this mind set.

Its so easy to relaps if it just gets sweep under the rug IMHO


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## skip76 (Aug 30, 2011)

In The Dark said:


> Brief story: My wife had an EA last summer with a neighbor. I suspected but didn't have proof until I discovered the call and text log from her cell phone from her phone carrier website. The number of calls and texts were extreme and were deliberately deleted and hid. We have moved and she has been doing the steps to R. Things are at a pretty good place although I do trigger sometimes.
> 
> I still check the phone and text logs on the website just to verify and have not found any contact(I doubt she would use that method anyway since that's how I discovered and she knows I have access). However I decided to go backwards and check what was happening before the EA. I never really looked in that direction just because I was so focused on the OM. I discovered an out-of state number that called and texted a fair amount from Oct. 2010 to May 2011. Nowhere near what she and OM did but enough to make me curious and to be honest, suspicious. Her EA with OM started in July 2011.
> 
> ...


It sounds like you have not taken the proper steps to completely heal. Tell her this and that some things are lingering that you need cleared up in order to move forward. She should be happy to help you heal if she is remorseful. I would be most interested in the possibility of this being a PA. i say that because with this being a neighbor i find it highly unlikely that she loved him but did not sleep with him. Did you cross check with his wife, etc. Options are a polygraph test or tell her you recently got new info from somewhere or someone and if she does not come clean on her own then it is over. Do not give up any info, especially snce you have none. No more fooling around, she must know you mean business.


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## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

keko said:


> Did she had the same phone at that time? If she did can you pull the backup's from the computer?


She did have the same phone. It has been backed up a few times since then. I'm not that computer savvy but have learned to backup the phone and be able to see texts from the last backup but I don't know how to get texts from over a year ago. I would love to have all of that if possible so if someone knows how to get those texts, please let me know. You may have to keep it simple since I'm no IT expert.


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## brokenbloke (Feb 21, 2012)

In The Dark said:


> She did have the same phone. It has been backed up a few times since then. I'm not that computer savvy but have learned to backup the phone and be able to see texts from the last backup but I don't know how to get texts from over a year ago. I would love to have all of that if possible so if someone knows how to get those texts, please let me know. You may have to keep it simple since I'm no IT expert.


Just take the computer to an IT specialist. Unless you're broke, this shouldn't cost too much at all or take up too much time.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

:iagree:

Which phone is it?


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## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

the guy said:


> Its my experience that adultory is a behavior pattern, once the step is taken to cheat then each additional time it gets easier. Its addicting.
> 
> Have you had the talk "tell me everything and if I find more I'm done" talk? If you haven't then this may be a good time. If you have are you ready to let her go?
> 
> ...


This sounds like good advice. I had the "tell me everything" talk but never put the "and if I find anything else I'm gone" phrase in the conversation. I freely admit I did not handle D-day great and really wish I had found this site sooner.


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## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

skip76 said:


> It sounds like you have not taken the proper steps to completely heal. Tell her this and that some things are lingering that you need cleared up in order to move forward. She should be happy to help you heal if she is remorseful. I would be most interested in the possibility of this being a PA. i say that because with this being a neighbor i find it highly unlikely that she loved him but did not sleep with him. Did you cross check with his wife, etc. Options are a polygraph test or tell her you recently got new info from somewhere or someone and if she does not come clean on her own then it is over. Do not give up any info, especially snce you have none. No more fooling around, she must know you mean business.


I feel fairly confident that it did not go PA with the neighbor. I don't think they ever exchanged I love you's. I think they just sent extremely flirty messages and became each other's confidant. Would spend hours talking on the phone and texting(all hidden from me). I got lucky in stumbling upon one text early on and I think that may have put them on edge about pushing it much further than infatuation. 

She has taken steps to help me heal but this is new information and I don't really know what it is. I'd hate to disrupt our progress if this is nothing but would also hate to know that my wife could do this more than once.


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## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

keko said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Which phone is it?


iphone 3

so is the info already downloaded on the computer? If so, what do I tell the computer guys to look for? Again, I'm not computer savvy so excuse the elementary questions.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Pc or Mac and which OS?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Dark, 

You would hate to know period, but you know its a possiblity. You know your wife does not act like you are always next to her and her lack of boundries.

Address it and get it out in the open, open up this can of worms and adress the behavior thats causing this. 


Again its her choice to answer truthfully.

Do not go on thinking that it was just a one time PA, rug sweping is a bad choice. I did it for 13 years and the behaviors my wife had just snowballed.

Please find out what you a forgiving her for, and see exactly what you are dealing with and address the protential for your WW to repeat years from now.It may be 5 years from now it maybe next year.

Unlike me, you have a chance to adress this and get a handle on your wife's unhealthy issues and lack of boundries.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Neighbor huh? Ypu mean someone who lives close. Ok. I am pretty sure that it went physical. How are you sure that it was just a EA ? because she told you?


Also how tech savvy is she? You can bluff her out for some information if her knowledge of computers is limited


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## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> Pc or Mac and which OS?


It is a PC, Vista


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Unfortunately I'm on
My phone right now but if you search thru my posts you can find the directory


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## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> Neighbor huh? Ypu mean someone who lives close. Ok. I am pretty sure that it went physical. How are you sure that it was just a EA ? because she told you?
> 
> 
> Also how tech savvy is she? You can bluff her out for some information if her knowledge of computers is limited


I can't be 100% sure that it didn't go physical. The timing and evidence seems to indicate that it didn't. However, they could have and I can't rule that out. I never got to see the texts and got most of my information by bluffing on the amount of info I did have and letting her confess. But it did come out as TT and I had to press to get what information I got. Logic dictates that I didn't get everything. If there is a way to recover those texts, would love to get final clarification on what I'm dealing with.


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## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> Unfortunately I'm on
> My phone right now but if you search thru my posts you can find the directory


I'm confused. What directory? Again, sorry if this is an silly question.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Regardless of whatever information you do find you need her to come clean. When you do finally approach (no hurry since you moved) make sure that she knows that everything she tells you will be confirmed by a polygraph test. That might get her to "open up" a bit more.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

iPhone is easy. All the texts, including the deleted ones should be available on the PC. Download the full version of iPhone backup extractor and you will know everything.


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## thrway214 (Feb 24, 2012)

How to Access and Read the iPhone SMS Text Message Backup Files


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## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

Thanks for the help. I'll see what I can do and may come back with questions. Right now, we don't have internet at the new house yet but the internet people are supposed to come tomorrow. I will have to see what I can find then.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

What is your gut saying?
How did she react when you confronted?
How is her behaviour now?

Keep updating...


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## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

AngryandUsed said:


> What is your gut saying?
> How did she react when you confronted?
> How is her behaviour now?
> 
> Keep updating...


I'm at the house now, waiting on the Internet guy to set us up. I had previously downloaded the iPhone extractor but it seems I have to register it before I can see all the info.

I want to wait until I have all the info before I say anything. My gut has always been pretty good at letting me know when there is trouble. She seems to be doing all the right things now. It's just so hard to trust again. 

I was never made aware of a "friend" she met at a conference. My gut tells me she met someone at the conference and flirted and liked it. Then she met OM and took it further. Then got busted. Will she want the high of the dopamine again or did discovery wake her from the fog? 

Knowing what she did with OM hurt. Knowing whether she has done it before will tell me a lot before I do anything more
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thrway214 (Feb 24, 2012)

You don't need an extractor. If you have the old backups on the computer, navigate to the folder mentioned in the link I gave you. In there, find the file the article mentions - the one ending in "28" and staring with "3d". 

This is a database file, and much of it will be garbled, but you will be able to read enough. Open the file in any text editor (notepad for example) and search for the phone number you are concerned about.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Much easier to do with the extractor and then also to save the files in readable format.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

My 'gut' told me my WS's affair was over.

Yes, I'd periodically break down with the memories and ask him if the AP had contacted him. Maybe that was my 'gut' but I didn't know how to follow up?

He always said no.

I never detected even a hint that he was lying. He did most of the 'right' things, most of the time.

Then one day I received a text meant for the AP, about how much my WS 'yearned' for her. That was 3 years of trusting my gut.

And guess what? My gut was wrong! My WS, like most WS's, proved to be an amazingly excellent liar. Oscar-winning quality liar at that.

Do I trust him, even now that we are in R and the affair is over? Enough so he can go to work and keep his job. Enough so I'm willing to stay and go through REAL MC this time (not the fake MC with him still in the EA). And that's about it for now.

Never underestimate the WS's ability to lie
Never overestimate your ability to detect it

You can make choices later about whether and how much you can trust your WS again. You need more information before making such a life-impacting decision.


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## thrway214 (Feb 24, 2012)

KanDo said:


> Much easier to do with the extractor and then also to save the files in readable format.


Does the extractor show deleted messages? My attempts at various extractors didn't yield any deleted messages, but manually scanning the file showed them.


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## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

Waited all day for the contractor and still was unable to get the internet set up at my house. Will have to wait a few more days. The laptop has the extractor on it but I don't have a way to register it until I get internet. May need to bring it to a Starbucks or someplace with free wifi. 

Question for you techies. Is there another way to currently access the information without internet? Trying not to raise suspicion by taking the computer with me to work. 

If able to read, this will be the first time I can see what she said to OM as well as the suspicious number from the conference. Her texts to a toxic friend she had last summer should also tell me a lot.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

In The Dark said:


> Waited all day for the contractor and still was unable to get the internet set up at my house. Will have to wait a few more days. The laptop has the extractor on it but I don't have a way to register it until I get internet. May need to bring it to a Starbucks or someplace with free wifi.
> 
> Question for you techies. Is there another way to currently access the information without internet? Trying not to raise suspicion by taking the computer with me to work.
> 
> If able to read, this will be the first time I can see what she said to OM as well as the suspicious number from the conference. Her texts to a toxic friend she had last summer should also tell me a lot.





thrway214 said:


> How to Access and Read the iPhone SMS Text Message Backup Files


^^


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## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

keko said:


> ^^


This link has me downloading software which I don't think I can do without internet access. I'll try and see what I can do tonight. I've found that file before but it didn't seem to go back very far and was difficult to read.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

In The Dark said:


> This link has me downloading software which I don't think I can do without internet access. I'll try and see what I can do tonight. I've found that file before but it didn't seem to go back very far and was difficult to read.


read further down.


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## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

I found the file name 3d0d7e5fb2ce288813306e4d4636395e047a3d28 but it only seems to go back to mid September. By that time, it seems contact between OM and my wife had cooled down or found a different method to contact each other. D-day was Oct. 4th but that was just me finally gaining access to the phone and text logs.

Guess I need to wait until I have internet access before I can register the extractor. They should be at my house tomorrow so maybe this weekend. 

Part of me feels like I'm opening the wound back up again but I really need to know everything.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

For all you know there could have been nothing, try not to jump to conlusions.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

when was the last time she synced the phone? did she switch to using icloud for updates?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

iPhone Backup Extractor for Windows and Mac


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## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

keko said:


> For all you know there could have been nothing, try not to jump to conlusions.


Thanks Keko. I'm trying to stay calm and act normal until I have all the info. I haven't said anything to my wife about finding a second number she communicated with. It may very well be nothing.

If I can get everything to work, this will be the first time I also will see the communication between OM and my wife. My wife admitted to things being inappropriate but always seemed to be unable to remember specifics on what exactly she and OM texted about. I may regret seeing it but don't know if it can be worse than my own imagination. At least I will know and will be able to figure out where to go from there.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

So she remembers things were inappropriate but fails to remember why?

Heh.


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## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> when was the last time she synced the phone? did she switch to using icloud for updates?


I think her phone was synced a couple of months ago. I don't think she uses icloud for updates to my knowledge. Neither of us is very tech savvy.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

In The Dark said:


> If I can get everything to work, this will be the first time I also will see the communication between OM and my wife. My wife admitted to things being inappropriate but always seemed to be unable to remember specifics on what exactly she and OM texted about. I may regret seeing it but don't know if it can be worse than my own imagination. At least I will know and will be able to figure out where to go from there.


Steel yourself for about what you're about to read. Some of us need to know what we're forgiving. It can be devastating, but you'll know what you need to do.


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## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> iPhone Backup Extractor for Windows and Mac


I have downloaded the extractor but when I click on the link next to the SMS, it states I have to register. We moved to a new house so we don't have internet access for me to register but should have it tomorrow.

Just to clarify for this non-tech guy, after I register, when I click on the SMS link, it will show all the texts? Or will I need to do something else.


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## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

snap said:


> So she remembers things were inappropriate but fails to remember why?
> 
> Heh.


Yep. Exactly how I feel. I haven't gotten much info from her so hopefully I will get it this way. At least then I'll have all the information and can figure out where to go from there.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

In The Dark said:


> I think her phone was synced a couple of months ago. I don't think she uses icloud for updates to my knowledge. Neither of us is very tech savvy.


I would sync it again and then retry, the backup file will only contain the texts from the latest back up


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## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> Steel yourself for about what you're about to read. Some of us need to know what we're forgiving. It can be devastating, but you'll know what you need to do.


Thanks. I feel a shell of my old self and feel like I'm going through the motions. In a way, it is a false R on my part. She has done most of the things needed to help us repair but providing details of what exactly happened and why it happened are still missing. I pressed for those answers early in the R and never made much progress. "I don't know" was the common answer. 

Maybe now I'll get what happened and can figure out what to do from there. I feel that you've got to know what you are dealing with before you can actually deal with it.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> I would sync it again and then retry, the backup file will only contain the texts from the latest back up


whoops I forgot youre trying to get older texts not newer ones
never mind


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## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> I would sync it again and then retry, the backup file will only contain the texts from the latest back up


Guess I'm confused but where will I find the texts going back to last summer and even to last spring? Tech dummy here.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

got confused for a moment, that wont get you the older texts

the backup file gets overwritten every time the phone is synced, so if they werent there theyre probably gone


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> got confused for a moment, that wont get you the older texts
> 
> the backup file gets overwritten every time the phone is synced, so if they werent there theyre probably gone


:iagree:

Yeah, every you sync, the older back up file gets overwritten and the new one in its place. Your only chance is if she has synced it to another computer last summer and not synced it since then. But if you only have 1 computer, then sorry.

However, the iphone backup extractor only extracts the last 3 texts messages. Once you register it when you get internet service again, you might be able to get the full history. If you have to, save that back up file before it gets synced again.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Is the computer backed up? Like timemachine on the Mac? If so you can go back before the last sync and restore the previous backup file.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

well if they arent computer savvy I doubt they do regular backups

does anyone know if the restore function on windows would work that far back?


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## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

We don't do regular backups on the computer or the phones. 

So I won't be able to retrieve those messages? Damn, I was hoping to finally get some answers. The current backup basically has texts from mid-September to about February. OM and my wife texted a lot from July to early September. The other number I was interested in was texting my wife from Oct. 2010 til March 2011.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

make her take a polygraph test if you need to know that badly. Although it could also push her over the deep end.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

cheatinghubby said:


> make her take a polygraph test if you need to know that badly. Although it could also push her over the deep end.


+1 only if you find some explicit info/texts from the last OM.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

My snooping lead to multiple backup files found by backup extractor on the PC, so I am thinking the iPone backup renames some files and the extractor knows about them. I would definitely look at it carefully and click in that window wat the top to see if there are multiple backups. And all sorts of deleted messages were still there....Went back as far as the phone was in use for me...


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

I thought iPhone created seperate backup folders everytime you synched so you could restore to a previous verison if you needed to? I owned an iPhone for a few years and could always revert if I needed to.

As for the Windows PC restore question - a Windows restore only does the OS and critical system files. All content is saved (files, folders, documents, etc) even if you choose a restore date 4 months ago. It is designed this way by nature so people can restore to a non-corrupted OS without losing any important files.


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## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

KanDo said:


> My snooping lead to multiple backup files found by backup extractor on the PC, so I am thinking the iPone backup renames some files and the extractor knows about them. I would definitely look at it carefully and click in that window wat the top to see if there are multiple backups. And all sorts of deleted messages were still there....Went back as far as the phone was in use for me...


We'll give it a try. I'll be able to sort through everything once the internet is up and running. 

I guess I'm just hoping to find out so I can finally deal with it and move past it one way or another.


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## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

Finally got internet to the house and was able to register the iphone backup extractor but when I click on the link by the SMS(it shows 4,000+ texts), it doesn't do anything. Am I missing something? I've found the file from the last back but it only runs up until mid-September. I need texts from before that. 

Also, if I am unable to recover any texts, any suggestions on the best way to approach my wife about this other number found on the phone/text records. It occurred before OM and ran right up to the month before OM started texting. Reverse phone number search shows a man's name in another state(far away). The number is no longer active. The number is no longer in my wife's phone. Calls and texts were no where near what OM and she did but the pattern is a little disturbing. 

My theory is that this has to be someone she met at a conference. The pattern shows it would not be work related as texts/calls are on weekends or evenings. She has never mentioned meeting someone or befriending someone at a conference or from this state. The calls/texts stop about a month before OM. 

R seems to be going well but I still struggle with trust. I verify now and everything seems okay. I guess my biggest issue is I don't feel I got everything on D-day. She admits texts that were inappropriate but says nothing physical. I had no proof other than logic and phone/text records from the cell phone carrier. Never saw the actual texts. Now to learn that there possibly could have been someone else she was texting makes me pissed off. 

I could be off base, it could be a female and the phone was registered under her husband's name. But logic and my gut tell me differently. I've been keeping everything cool for a few weeks while trying to get internet up in the hopes I could recover texts that would tell me something. I'm not having much luck. So that leaves only my wife to tell me and she was not really forthcoming on D-day.

Any suggestions on how to approach her about this other number?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Is a polygraph out of the question? A coupe hundred dollars might help with your R a lot.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Did you contact the company for support? Was the program installed properly?


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## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

keko said:


> Did you contact the company for support? Was the program installed properly?


I will contact them tonight but it looks to be properly installed to me. In post #35, lordmayhem shows what it looks like. When I click on the link next to SMS(his example shows 11,726 in blue), it doesn't do anything. What is supposed to happen?

BTW, thanks for your help.


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## LAM (May 4, 2012)

Hi, I am truly sorry for what you are going through. It has been about 1 year since I've found out about my husband's affairs. I know you want to believe that there may not have been a physical relationship, but you realistically have to consider the possibility.

In my case, there were 100's of text messages and he swore on our son's life that there was nothing physical with any of the women, I just waited it out until I came across the incriminating texts before he had a chance to delete them, and then he confessed. Most cheaters do NOT want to get caught and they will say and do anything to assure us that it never went to a physical level, I know you said that you are pretty sure they never exchanged "I love you's", that is probably true, you don't need to be in love with someone to have sex with them.

I would definitely hold her accountable as to any questions you have about this to move forward with the healing process. I am still a wreck as far as the trust issue, but it is getting better every day and I am not afraid to ask these pertinent questions and he is more than willing to answer any and all questions to help me heal. You never know, she may be very willing to come forward with the truth. None of this is easy, but I can feel your pain and I know how "not knowing" will only eat away at you every day until you get those answers. I hope this helps, I am just speaking from my own experience, it's been a year, it does get easier, it's a scary road ahead, and not an easy one. I wish you all the best.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Is a polygraph out of the question? A coupe hundred dollars might help with your R a lot.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


Ask her for a poly graph and see her reaction. If she agrees then do it, dont hesitate for a second.


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## In The Dark (Aug 24, 2011)

LAM said:


> Hi, I am truly sorry for what you are going through. It has been about 1 year since I've found out about my husband's affairs. I know you want to believe that there may not have been a physical relationship, but you realistically have to consider the possibility.
> 
> In my case, there were 100's of text messages and he swore on our son's life that there was nothing physical with any of the women, I just waited it out until I came across the incriminating texts before he had a chance to delete them, and then he confessed. Most cheaters do NOT want to get caught and they will say and do anything to assure us that it never went to a physical level, I know you said that you are pretty sure they never exchanged "I love you's", that is probably true, you don't need to be in love with someone to have sex with them.
> 
> I would definitely hold her accountable as to any questions you have about this to move forward with the healing process. I am still a wreck as far as the trust issue, but it is getting better every day and I am not afraid to ask these pertinent questions and he is more than willing to answer any and all questions to help me heal. You never know, she may be very willing to come forward with the truth. None of this is easy, but I can feel your pain and I know how "not knowing" will only eat away at you every day until you get those answers. I hope this helps, I am just speaking from my own experience, it's been a year, it does get easier, it's a scary road ahead, and not an easy one. I wish you all the best.


Thanks LAM. I really appreciate the support. I will be speaking with her tonight. I was hoping to have some texts or documentation but am not having much luck(although I will keep trying). 

There are many things that I handled poorly upon discovering everything and really wish I had found this site sooner. One of them was not really pressing for answers on D-day. I let her get away with a bunch of "I don't knows" but I wasn't in the best of mindsets at the time. Too many emotions to really think clearly. I've had a lot of time to think, research and learn from others here. 

I have realized that it is a possibility that it did get physical. My best friend, the only one I've really confided in about all this, has always stated that it was likely. I have also come to realize that I may never know. 

I do believe she feels remorse and not for just getting caught. Her current actions show that she loves me. We are at a better place now but I just have this need to know why? Without really looking at that, then there's a possibility it could happen again. 

I will be fine. I am much more independent and have been getting to a good place mentally the last few days. I'm really hoping she will be willing to help me with this healing process now that the fog has lifted. If not, I will deal with that too.

LAM, I hope you situation continues to improve. It really bites not trusting the person you should trust the most.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

In The Dark said:


> I will be fine. I am much more independent and have been getting to a good place mentally the last few days.


Really glad to hear that.

Don't beat yourself up for your mistakes. All of us make them. Loyal spouses don't think like cheaters. We assume our spouse wouldn't lie to us, and when confronted with their lies, that they'd stop lying. We just weren't educated about infidelity. Now we are...


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