# Did anyone ever try to tell you to end your affair?



## still so sad (May 27, 2013)

Probably more of a question for the cheating spouses out there..

Did any of your friends or family discover your affair in progress and try to convince you to end it before your spouse/children found out?

if so, what was your response to them?

My neighbor is trying to get her married sister to end her current affair but the sister doesn't want to. Awkward position for my neighbor since she is on good terms with her brother in law and kids.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

The neighbor should tell the husband, not wait for the sister to do it. 

Reason? Can't sit by and watch her abuse her husband and family without doing anything about it. 

Here's what I wish my SIL did, instead of enabling my wife to have an affair by remaining silent. I wish she said "if you don't tell him, I will... "

They're put in an awkward position, because the bad behavior and poor choices of the cheater. They should still do the right thing, and not be a party to the lies and deceit. Why let someone else drag you into their disgusting lies and cover ups. 

Basically, if your neighbor wants any shot at staying on good terms with the BIL, she'll need to have his back now that he needs it the most. Someone needs to have his back, he doesn't need another dagger in it by someone that supposedly cares about him and the children.

Edit: I know I'm not a cheating spouse, but I had a perspective since I no longer speak to my SIL, because she knew and never did anything about it other than provide a love nest on weekends by turning the other way and playing dumb.. Selfish just liker her sister, and mother.. etc.. etc.. seems to be genetic.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

In this position I'd give my sister a date to confess... unless she wants to be exposed. He's have just the control of delivery.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

russell28 said:


> Here's what I wish my SIL did, instead of enabling my wife to have an affair by remaining silent. I wish she said "if you don't tell him, I will... ".


NEVER give a cheater a heads up you are going to OUT them.

That just gives them a chance to run damage control.

If you are going to out a cheater, you just DO IT.

NEVER THREATEN a CHEATER.

You ACT on the problem, or don't get involved. Issuing WARNINGS and THREATS is counter-productive.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Allen_A said:


> NEVER give a cheater a heads up you are going to OUT them.
> 
> That just gives them a chance to run damage control.
> 
> ...


Good points.. I guess I would just have wanted to know that she made some sort of effort and didn't take the head in the sand approach.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Honestly, it happens all the time. The main issue is that the one cheating has already justified it to themselves. So unless you are a really influential person in their life, they'll usually just ignore your unsolicited advice. 

You should still try though. Maybe if enough people say the same thing, they might start thinking about it.

My WW admitted some people suspected. She simply hid it from them more and hung out more with those who didn't care or 'judge her'.


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## NEVER HAPPEN 2 ME RIGHT? (Sep 28, 2012)

Allen_A said:


> NEVER give a cheater a heads up you are going to OUT them.
> 
> That just gives them a chance to run damage control.
> 
> ...


Learned this one the hard way. When I confronted the POSOM, I made the mistake of telling him he had 24 hours to man up and come clean with his wife. I told him I would be calling her to confirm he had told her everything. 

When I called his wife the next day, he had gas-lit the $hit out of her. She stopped me cold, told me to never contact them again and hung up. I was shocked. Couldn't believe she wouldn't want to hear what I had to say. Guessing he prepped her and said, "So there's this girl at work and her husband is crazy. He is convinced she's cheating on him and keeps accusing random people she is friends with or works with. He is really dangerous, so if/when he calls just tell him to leave us alone." 

The mistake I made was expecting a POSOM to actually man up. Silly me. I am often amazed at how naive I was at the outset of all of this. If I had it to do over again, I would have swooped in and told his wife first, then confronted him. 

I posted his a$$ on cheaterville though, and someone sent the link to his wife about 10 months later. He flipped out, demanded I take it down before it affected his work etc. I laughed and told him tough t1tties. Told him it stays and if he contacted either of us again, I would send the link to his HR department, his LinkedIn connections, his Facebook friends and their neighbors. Been all quiet since.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

NEVER HAPPEN 2 ME said:


> If I had it to do over again, I would have swooped in and told his wife first, then confronted him.


BINGO. NEVER give cheaters a heads up.. NEVER WARN THEM.



NEVER HAPPEN 2 ME said:


> I posted his a$$ on cheaterville though, and someone sent the link to his wife about 10 months later. He flipped out, demanded I take it down before it affected his work etc. I laughed and told him tough t1tties. Told him it stays and if he contacted either of us again, I would send the link to his HR department, his LinkedIn connections, his Facebook friends and their neighbors. Been all quiet since.


Nice.

Is he divorced now?


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

russell28 said:


> Good points.. I guess I would just have wanted to know that she made some sort of effort and didn't take the head in the sand approach.


If you OUT them before they out themselves, so be it.. they should have owned up before you dropped the bomb on them.

If they DO own up before you get to to their spouse, then it's no big deal because they already know.

NEVER WARN.

OUT them, or don't get involved.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

NEVER HAPPEN 2 ME said:


> Learned this one the hard way. When I confronted the POSOM, I made the mistake of telling him he had 24 hours to man up and come clean with his wife. I told him I would be calling her to confirm he had told her everything.
> 
> When I called his wife the next day, he had gas-lit the $hit out of her. She stopped me cold, told me to never contact them again and hung up. I was shocked. Couldn't believe she wouldn't want to hear what I had to say. Guessing he prepped her and said, "So there's this girl at work and her husband is crazy. He is convinced she's cheating on him and keeps accusing random people she is friends with or works with. He is really dangerous, so if/when he calls just tell him to leave us alone."
> 
> ...


You kept the CV post up AND warned him you'd send the link to work, family/friends. NICE!

We seem to be having a rash of BS's that cave as soon as the POSOM and thier WS's lean on them to drop the CV post.

It's a lousy way to go through life, affraid to stand up for yourself...


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## NEVER HAPPEN 2 ME RIGHT? (Sep 28, 2012)

Allen_A said:


> BINGO. NEVER give cheaters a heads up.. NEVER WARN THEM.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Nope. I don't think she ever confronted him or his behavior. I think she rug swept he whole thing, choosing to believe his gas lighting rather than dealing with the truth. Really sad.

They are quite the pair though. He is the ultimate selfish prig, and she is weak and accepting of it. They don't have any kids (his choice), left all friends and family behind in UK for a job opportunity in the US (his) and he travels 4 days a week for work. So he has constructed the perfect selfish life. He gets to wake up and live each day focused exclusively on what makes him happy without having to concern himself with even PRETENDING to consider other people.


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## NEVER HAPPEN 2 ME RIGHT? (Sep 28, 2012)

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> You kept the CV post up AND warned him you'd send the link to work, family/friends. NICE!
> 
> We seem to be having a rash of BS's that cave as soon as the POSOM and thier WS's lean on them to drop the CV post.
> 
> It's a lousy way to go through life, affraid to stand up for yourself...


Yep! In my email response I told him he only still has a career because I choose to allow it. Told him I was trying to be merciful, but he was making it real hard. Felt very Pulp Fiction to me, and it made me smile.

I hate seeing BS shrinking away and allowing a POSOM to remain in control. Truth is the ultimate defense. If your post on CV is factual, there isn't a dang thing the POSOM can do. Nothing. And if he does then post a false story as retaliation, all the better. Because now you have the ability to go after him legally AND the background as to why he targeted you with the false information means he also gets publicly outed for banging someone's wife. Unless he wants to purger himself and do jail time. Double win!

Post it. Leave it. Savor it.


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