# Separated and terrified...



## confusedhousewife (Feb 25, 2012)

Me and my husband have been married 6 1/2 years and we have a 5 year old son together. I have not been happy in the marriage for a few years now, with issues ranging from daily lying/fibbing, severe sarcasm to the point of me being belittled, him not thinking of me as an equal and what money we have been "his" instead of "ours", ignoring our son his entire life, and more issues than i can name. But it all boils down to the fact that i haven't been happy. I don't look at him and admire him or desire him (not attracted to him at all) or even respect him after the way he has behaved all these years (which is more like a teenager than a grown man). He is so selfish and can only think of himself and he has never taken me seriously with issues we've had. He'd always just blow it off as though i was just venting and didn't mean anything with what i said.

So, about 3 weeks ago, I told him I wanted to separate. It was hard b/c he was very upset, but I felt it was best. I am looking at moving across the state to be close to family and starting over there in a new area, find a job, etc. Another factor in that decision is that he is in the military and is going to deploy soon, so moving makes the most sense anyways in my mind. But now he is giving me these MASSIVE guilt trips about how he loves me so much and that his eyes just weren't opened before...that he can't imagine not seeing us everyday...that he's going to try hard and do whatever I want to fix it...blah blah blah. I know him and I just can't believe him that he can do a 180 on himself. Additionally, after everything that has happen, i just don't feel 'it" for him. I love him like my best friend, but I am not in love him. Heck, most of the time I want to pull my hair out around him b/c he drives me bonkers. I just got sick of wanting to call my mom or best friend up multiple times a week b/c of something insulting/degrading/disrespectful that he was done or said. The feeling like **** about myself b/c of things he says or does can only be tolerated so long.

So, all that being said, I am having a hard time fully committing to moving on with my life. I know I am scared b/c I will lose the financial security I have had all these years with not having to work and him making good money. I would also be moving to a new home, which is kind of scary even though I know the area very well. and furthermore, I would be separating my husband and my son. My son is ok with him being gone since he hasn't been around most of his life and when he was around, he mostly ignored him. but now all of a sudden, he is acting like "super dad" and keeps giving me these guilt trips about our son being "taken away" from him. it's like all of sudden, now that he's looking at us leaving, he can magically change and be a wonderful husband and father, which I don't believe for a second would last more than a week at best. But I still feel guilty and scared, but I know it's for the wrong reasons (and i have told him that). It's not fair to stay together because of guilt trips he keeps laying on me. It's my life too and he keeps doing and saying everything he can to make me suck it up and stay with him, but it would be for all the wrong reasons. There's no way I can ever be happy with him...I know because I have been trying for years and things are only getting worse. Staying would only make us all more miserable in the end.

Is it normal to be so terrified of starting over? I just wish I could be confident in myself and that everything will be ok, but it's like over the years that every bit of self-confidence has been sucked out of me and I have become dependent on him for security. How do i move past this?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yes it's normal to be so terrified of starting over. It's one of the things that keeps people in really bad marriages for so long.

That said, there is a possibility that your husband can learn a lot now that you have his attention and make taht 180 that you need from him. While you do not feel 'in love' with him right now, if he does make the necessary change the 'in love' feeling can return.

His deployment could go either way on helping/hurting a marital recovery. If you both work on things while he's away it could help. With the internet it's completely possible that the two of you can communicate on an almost daily basis. In the past I maintained a long distance relationship via the internet and phone for 1.5 years. It can be doen.

How old are you and your husband?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There is another thread here from a man who could be your husband...

You might want to read it and follow it.

Verbal Abuse Ends Marriage

The guy in the above link mentions the book "*Controlling People*" by Patricia Evans. You might want to suggest that your husband read this book. You might want to read it as well.

Leaving him is like dropping an atom bomb on him. If you do this right it can have huge impact on him.. one that you were not able to have when you kept just being the nice compliant wife.


If you give him another chance.. make it only one chance and put a time limit on it. For example you will give him up until he deploys.. if it's getting better then give him until he returns from deployment. Then if it goes well over deployment, then 6 months after that.

If at any point he's obviosly not making the needed changes to himself then move on.


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## confusedhousewife (Feb 25, 2012)

We are both almost 30 and trust me, the past deployments have only made things worse. He forgets us when he is away. it's sad b/c no matter how good his internet is or phone service is, he will constantly give excuses for why he'll go days without calling (and then i find out other guys he works with call their wives 2-3 times per day). Even when he is in the states, the same thing happens and then gets MAD at me when I am crying my eyes out that I have been terrified worried about his safety (he works in a dangerous job even when stateside). Evidently he thinks b/c he isn't concerned about us when he is away that we shouldn't be worrying about him either. It's sad and so incredibly hurtful that I can't even explain it. another thing is that he has so much of his own emotional baggage that he hasn't dealt with that he is only concerned with himself. It's seriously like he's trapped being a teenager or very young adult that nothing else matters to him except what he wants b/c he can't get out of his own head. When I first said i wanted to separate, I left with our son to visit my parents for a week and the agreement was that he wouldn't call or text or anything except to say goodnight to our son. He called and texted and kept giving me guilt trips about how terrible he felt and insisted on making me give him an answer about what I was thinking about doing...he couldn't even respect what I needed (space without him) for a day.


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## Mark Val (Mar 2, 2012)

Seems he is a workaholic...he might even tell you to work like him, that when you do...he will be happy with your ways...

this kind of people do not manage time,work and life...they only are workaholics...in being so , such men usually have their wives either cheating,or feeling uncared or treated as a worthless creature , a nobody , inhuman etc...the emotional and physical needs are CRUCIAL in a woman's life ...and the time and attention to be given is vital , for the wife and the offsprings too...


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## confusedhousewife (Feb 25, 2012)

And EleGirl, the situations seem almost identical except for the amount of kids and time of separation....and the fact that my husband wouldn't read a book on marriage or join a support group if it killed him not to. Even dealing with the worst things imaginable in life, my husband has the mentality of "I can handle it myself....I don't need help". My husband actually asked me 2 days ago if I had looked into going to therapy for MY issues, which seemed so incredibly ironic. It's like he is a selfish, sarcastic, degrading, insulting, careless, and yes verbally abusive husband and I have the problem because I am tired of dealing with it.....riiiiiiiight


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## confusedhousewife (Feb 25, 2012)

Yes Mark Val, in many ways he is a workaholic. When he is there, that's all that matters. And yes, that's exactly how I have felt for years....feeling uncared for, treated as a worthless creature, a nobody, inhuman. I am tired of feeling like this, with no self-confidence. I was just here to take care of his home, manage all of our finances, take care of our son, all the cooking and cleaning and yardwork (yes, even the push-mowing). He even called my mom and told her that I was supposed to do those things since I was a housewife, so I shouldn't feel this way! He had to go to work at a job that he loves, and has to just come home and eat and sit on the couch. It's even too hard for him to say "Wow that was a great dinner honey" or "You sure look nice today" when I make an effort to do something special. Complimenting me was just too much effort I guess. And he was never trying to "fix" me or anything...he never insulted my cooking, my appearance, the house, or anything. It was just like he never cared since it was my "job" and it wasn't worth mentioning. Of course, that goes back to the feeling like an unimportant nobody. And yes, like you said, it's important to get emotional support and to feel cared for. As I have heard people say many times 'I can do bad all by myself'... without having someone else adding to it by making me feel bad about myself.


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## Mark Val (Mar 2, 2012)

confusedhousewife said:


> Yes Mark Val, in many ways he is a workaholic. When he is there, that's all that matters. And yes, that's exactly how I have felt for years....feeling uncared for, treated as a worthless creature, a nobody, inhuman. I am tired of feeling like this, with no self-confidence. I was just here to take care of his home, manage all of our finances, take care of our son, all the cooking and cleaning and yardwork (yes, even the push-mowing). He even called my mom and told her that I was supposed to do those things since I was a housewife, so I shouldn't feel this way! He had to go to work at a job that he loves, and has to just come home and eat and sit on the couch. It's even too hard for him to say "Wow that was a great dinner honey" or "You sure look nice today" when I make an effort to do something special. Complimenting me was just too much effort I guess. And he was never trying to "fix" me or anything...he never insulted my cooking, my appearance, the house, or anything. It was just like he never cared since it was my "job" and it wasn't worth mentioning. Of course, that goes back to the feeling like an unimportant nobody. And yes, like you said, it's important to get emotional support and to feel cared for. As I have heard people say many times 'I can do bad all by myself'... without having someone else adding to it by making me feel bad about myself.



--I perfectly understand such a situation...I infer, You are a homemaker..

A Good Home Maker ...is one of the most difficult thing to do and one of the most VITAL of jobs or works ...it involves managing everything in and related to a home , people, things, and Life itself..

I feel blessed to be a Son of a home maker Mother, who build her Home with TQM and a business man Father, who managed time , work and business in a balanced manner..My father addresses her as The Invaluable Treasure that he loves and possesses.

Now

You have been doing what he cannot/could not do...he cannot ever perform well in your role as a Home Maker , a Home Builder.

A true man will know ,appreciate and value the loving ,caring ,sincere and able wife.Whether she is an undergraduate ,graduate or a PhD, Post Doctoral etc etc ...


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