# Cheating or not?



## ktheuerkauf (Jan 2, 2017)

My husband and I just got
divorced. In August, I had some suspicions about a relationship he (age 42) was having with a younger girl (23) at his department. They would go to the gym together and have drinks alone together after training. He never told me any of this. He denied it and did they were "just friends." I told him this bothered me but he said I was overreacting and he insisted that he should be allowed to maintain the friendship. He made me feel guilty about all of it. Fast forward to January...we decided to get divorced. I wanted to work on things and get a counselor, but he was checked out. He emphasized that we would still be friends and we would always have eachother's backs. We had agreed to do the divorce process on our own. He came up with an agreement that was unequitable but I wanted to keep the peace with him. He gets very angry. After we submitted the agreement, he completely ignored me for a long time. I got suspicious and really started worrying about my future. I got a lawyer and he absolutely flipped. He hated my lawyer, refused to get his own, would not agree to mediation, and just made things downright nasty. I could have gotten more, but I agreed to about a 60/40 split. I did not get all of my possessions out of the house. When we were going through the process, I had to stop in the house to get some clothes and cooking supplies. I found condoms and food that neither he nor I eat (herbal tea, lots of hard liquor). He said that he bought the condoms when we were together. Big lie. A couple weeks ago, I told him I wanted to get all of my stuff. He said to tell him what I wanted and it would be on the porch. He changed all the locks on the doors. Needless to say, I was devastated. I thought I had everything and I went back to the house yesterday. Again, I had to go on the porch to get my things. As I was walking in, so was the gal he was "just friends" with. She had tight jeans and high heels on. Total opposite of me. I flipped and knocked on the door. I calmly said, "I think you were cheating on me before our divorce." He completely flipped on me and said he has always been faithful and I was crazy and needed help. He then shut the door in my face. I'm completely confused and devastated. Am I going crazy? I have this huge gut feeling that he was cheating when we were together. I can't shake it. Now it really doesn't matter since we're divorced but it hurts like a dagger. Any thoughts?


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

It's going to hurt. You are allowed to hurt. But don't let it get you for long. 

Figure out how to get through this. He cheated. He is a schmuck. 

Quit going over there. Gather your sisters and girlfriends around you. Have a girl's night in.....get drunk, trash talk him, commiserate..... and then write him off. 

It gets better.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Wow .. not only was he cheating no doubt but this guy also sounds like a real winner! 

It's unfortunate that you were and are being treated like this but the good news is that you got divorced from a low life and can now find someone that will be a compliment to your life. Any kids with this db?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Hopefully you've gotten everything out by now because it's not helping to have to go back. Cheaters don't like to admit they cheated so he's not going to. Yes, it hurts. Yes, you'll get over it but it will take time. 

I'm sorry this happened to you.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

KT,

Please tell us... NO CHILDREN?


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## ktheuerkauf (Jan 2, 2017)

We lost our daughter five years due to a viral infection. One reason he wanted a divorce was because I was grieving too much and was too depressed. I was a stay at home mom and a primary teacher before she died. I took a year off of work afternoon she died but then started working at a cafe and eventually as a teaching assistant. Now I've been hired as a full-time teacher.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Totally cheating.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Yup. He was cheating. I am sorry, it really sucks. All I can offer you is that in time it won’t feel as bad. But it will take longer than you think. I am so sorry for all of your losses.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

ktheuerkauf said:


> We lost our daughter five years due to a viral infection. One reason he wanted a divorce was because I was grieving too much and was too depressed. I was a stay at home mom and a primary teacher before she died. I took a year off of work afternoon she died but then started working at a cafe and eventually as a teaching assistant. Now I've been hired as a full-time teacher.


Yup, if he could say something this callous about your pain when she was also his daughter too, I wouldn't be surprised.

It will hurt like hell, OP, but with time you'll be glad you got away from him.


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## ktheuerkauf (Jan 2, 2017)

Thank you. I trust my gut and this is so painful to go through. I have a great support system through family and friends and a lot of faith. I can do this in time.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

ktheuerkauf said:


> Thank you. I trust my gut and this is so painful to go through. I have a great support system through family and friends and a lot of faith. I can do this in time.


Yes without a doubt he was cheating and he divorced you to openly date her. 

I may hurt now, but the best revenge is to live well. You must know by now that he is a horrible person. 

Just move forward, and keep your head up...


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

ktheuerkauf said:


> *My husband and I just got
> divorced. In August, I had some suspicions about a relationship he (age 42) was having with a younger girl (23) at his department. They would go to the gym together and have drinks alone together after training. He never told me any of this. He denied it and did they were "just friends." I told him this bothered me but he said I was overreacting and he insisted that he should be allowed to maintain the friendship. He made me feel guilty about all of it. Fast forward to January...we decided to get divorced. I wanted to work on things and get a counselor, but he was checked out. He emphasized that we would still be friends and we would always have eachother's backs. We had agreed to do the divorce process on our own. He came up with an agreement that was unequitable but I wanted to keep the peace with him. He gets very angry. After we submitted the agreement, he completely ignored me for a long time. I got suspicious and really started worrying about my future. I got a lawyer and he absolutely flipped. He hated my lawyer, refused to get his own, would not agree to mediation, and just made things downright nasty. I could have gotten more, but I agreed to about a 60/40 split. I did not get all of my possessions out of the house. When we were going through the process, I had to stop in the house to get some clothes and cooking supplies. I found condoms and food that neither he nor I eat (herbal tea, lots of hard liquor). He said that he bought the condoms when we were together. Big lie. A couple weeks ago, I told him I wanted to get all of my stuff. He said to tell him what I wanted and it would be on the porch. He changed all the locks on the doors. Needless to say, I was devastated. I thought I had everything and I went back to the house yesterday. Again, I had to go on the porch to get my things. As I was walking in, so was the gal he was "just friends" with. She had tight jeans and high heels on. Total opposite of me. I flipped and knocked on the door. I calmly said, "I think you were cheating on me before our divorce." He completely flipped on me and said he has always been faithful and I was crazy and needed help. He then shut the door in my face. I'm completely confused and devastated. Am I going crazy? I have this huge gut feeling that he was cheating when we were together. I can't shake it. Now it really doesn't matter since we're divorced but it hurts like a dagger. Any thoughts?*


*It ain't no hunch on your part that he was cheating! Just from reading paragraph one, I could tell that it was a virtual certainty!

He's lying his a$$ off about the length of time he's been tapping that young stuff! He's been at it so long, he could probably describe all of her nether regions in excruciating detail, all while wearing a 10-layered blindfold!

Let your attorney know about having been locked out of the house! He can get an immediate court order reversing and prohibiting such childish and juvenile practices on his part! And if you find that you're missing any personal items, let your attorney know!

Edit: I'm so sorry about the loss of your daughter. I edited my post after having read that! May God truly bless you and may His eternal presence continue to abide with you!*


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

Of course he was cheating on you. Anyone can see that. Anyone except you. Why? Love blinded you. I advise people against that all the time. Don't let love for anyone ever blind you again. You got a really crappy lawyer and let your douche ex dictate every little detail of the divorce. That's a darn shame. I would have had your ex on his knees begging you for mercy. I love coming up against douche bags like this that refuse to hire their own lawyers. I'd have left him so broke that his new hot young thing would have kicked him to the curb in a New York second.

Oh well, that's all water under the bridge at this point because he did what he did and you did what you did. No point in you dwelling on it now. My advice would be to forget about whatever possessions you left behind, go 100% no contact with him forever, move away from that area if you can unless it's your hometown and your support network is there, and move on with your life.

This part of the message is not for you, OP, it's for other weary travelers who find themselves here in a similar situation but are not yet divorced. This douche ex hubby of hers won. He got everything he wanted and she got nothing. Why? Because she let him win. She rolled over and he did whatever he wanted. PLEASE, people, DO NOT let other human beings push you around like this. Go find a good lawyer in your area and stand up for yourself!!!


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

KT, sorry to hear about the loss of your daughter. None of this is your fault, it takes a special kind of selfish and stupid to be like your XH. 

It may be hard to see now, just as it is still hard to see for me, being less than a month away from the final divorce decree after 18 years but the good will come and for your XH, the karma train will hit him so bad in the future, you probably will actually feel sorry for him.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Does it really matter at this point? You've divorced him - now you need to start moving on with your life. You can't worry about what he's doing now - and trying to re-create the past isn't going to help anything. 

If he was cheating - what would you do? You've already divorced him.


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## stro (Feb 7, 2018)

Ha! A 42 year old man going out for drinks alone with a 23 year old woman is not a “friendship”. Maybe she is young and naive enough to think so, but he wasn’t. Sometimes spouses get delusional and think they can convince their partner that up is down and down is up. Your instincts were spot on.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

YOu are much better off without him. The OW sounds trashy and he will rue the day he started anything with her. Let sleeping dogs lie and move on with your life, you can do better.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

nice777guy said:


> Does it really matter at this point? You've divorced him - now you need to start moving on with your life. You can't worry about what he's doing now - and trying to re-create the past isn't going to help anything.
> 
> If he was cheating - what would you do? You've already divorced him.


I think it helps a great deal with healing honestly and from personal experience. The end result is the same, the need to move on and realize that no matter the circumstances, it wasn't her fault but ....

As in my own case, I struggled for 5 months not knowing why my wife wanted out so badly. She had assured me that the affair I discovered was just one kiss and it was over and they were just friends. That she was having doubts about the marriage and wanted to separate because she of me, I wasn't loving her the way she deserved, I didn't do this, I didn't do that. I struggled with the fact of wow, did I really fudge up that bad and allow the marriage to slip through my hands of my own doing? I always thought he was a factor but it wasn't until I kept digging and finally found a major break, 6 months after DDay, I found out everything! I found out all she had lied about, etc. Finding out the truth was a huge burden lifted off of my shoulders. It helped me re-affirm what I thought was true in our marriage and that she had re-wrote everything over the affair period because of the affair and her dedication to him and me standing in the way. Still hurt like Hell but it was a burden lifted from my conscience in a way that, I was to blame for certain things like we all are in marriage but that I wasn't the reason for the sudden destruction of an 18 year relationship.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I think you are too nice and the POS you were married to was cheating, of course.

You should have hired a shark in thugwear as a lawyer to represent you and destroy the blight on humanity that paraded as your husband.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

stillfightingforus said:


> I think it helps a great deal with healing honestly and from personal experience. The end result is the same, the need to move on and realize that no matter the circumstances, it wasn't her fault but ....
> 
> As in my own case, I struggled for 5 months not knowing why my wife wanted out so badly. She had assured me that the affair I discovered was just one kiss and it was over and they were just friends. That she was having doubts about the marriage and wanted to separate because she of me, I wasn't loving her the way she deserved, I didn't do this, I didn't do that. I struggled with the fact of wow, did I really fudge up that bad and allow the marriage to slip through my hands of my own doing? I always that he was a factor but it wasn't until I kept digging and finally found a major break, 6 months after DDay, I found out everything! I found out all she had lied about, etc. Finding out the truth was a huge burden lifted off of my shoulders. It helped me re-affirm what I thought was true in our marriage and that she had re-wrote everything over the affair period because of the affair and her dedication to him and me standing in the way. Still hurt like Hell but it was a burden lifted from my conscience in a way that, I was to blame for certain things like we all are in marriage but that I wasn't the reason for the sudden destruction of an 18 year relationship.


This is the reason that it helps to know what is going on. You may not be able to save the marriage, but at least you know that you are not CRAZY. 

And that is one of the cruel things that cheaters do in infidelity, they make you think you are the one with the problem just to save face...


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

How was the loss of your child dealt with? It seems, from the OP, that it was only tangential to the story, but it must play a bigger role. I can't imagine the trauma and heartbreak from this. And before anyone thinks to say something, I'm not excusing the husbands behaviour.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

BluesPower said:


> This is the reason that it helps to know what is going on. You may not be able to save the marriage, *but at least you know that you are not CRAZY. *
> 
> *And that is one of the cruel things that cheaters do in infidelity, they make you think you are the one with the problem* just to save face...


QFT.

I was there chasing my tail to remedy a marriage that I just couldn't understand. Crazy is an understatement.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Every single thing you have said about him, and I do mean every single thing, is right out of The Cheaters Handbook to the letter.

You are not crazy at all - you have just been trying to fool yourself and spackle over all of his bad behaviors for many years. 

The good news is it's no longer your problem. 

Put him and all his bovine excrement in your rearview mirror and move on and do whatever you want and live your own life to it's fullest without him. 

Let this realization of how crappy he really is set you free.


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

I'm sorry for the loss of your daughter and now your husband, who you thought would love and protect you. He was cheating early on. Just know that when cheaters move their lips lies come out. Cheaters don't hesitate to lie. It's mathematical and if you doubt it, read several threads in Coping with Infidelity. You will see that cheaters follow the same script. At first it will seem like your husband has been kidnapped by aliens and his body was snatched. But after awhile it will sink in that he has always been this way. You just didn't know it until now.

You've lost a lot and you're shattered. Take care of yourself. Do you have a support group? A divorce group could be very helpful. Many churches have a program called Divorce Care. It's Christian based, but it has something for anyone shattered by the dissolution of their marriage. 

I also recommend getting on an excercise routine and finding a hobby or cause to serve on your spare time. 

Hang in there.


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