# Is your husband the alpha type?



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I've read over and over on this site on how women prefer their men to be the "alpha" type. I'm curious if your husband has alpha qualities. 

Men, are you alpha or are you more of beta? 

My husband is 100% nice guy, but he is very confident. I don't see him as alpha, but neither am I. We go on living life in harmony. Neither one of us are bossy, naggy, or expect anything from one another... except respect. Neither of us are arrogant either. We have a very healthy sex life and we both do our best to please one another. My husband has always put my needs before his, and in return I do the same. We never raise our voice at one another either for the last 13 years of being together. My husband is very affocinate and takes time daily to snuggle up to me. We hold hands, pillow talk/talk and sometimes watch television. One thing that's important is that my husband has no expectations from me. This works out well since I'm currently disabled. He tells me everyday that he loves me and kisses me before work and before I go to bed.

Our children see how well we get along and they too, get along with each other. My kids never ever fight with one another. The only issue I have is with my oldest child from a previous marriage. Her father is abusive and treats all women with disrespect. I prefer the nice guy over the alpha.
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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

IILWMH:

My husband is exactly like yours, and that is why we have been married for 34 years. My username is similar to yours, and I am grateful everyday that I have a loving man.

I think what happens is that easy going men marry decisive women, and after awhile the women lose respect for their husbands, and then the sexual attraction is gone. There is a woman like this at work. She loves tall guys that she can push around, and she is on her third husband. After awhile she loses interest in her husband, but I don't think that she could be married to a strong man.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I never really thought about it. He has qualities of both, which is a good balance. He is probably more alpha than beta on any one day, but he's not a control freak or a whiny baby. lol.

I dunno. He's sexy and confident and can make me laugh.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

lovesherman said:


> IILWMH:
> 
> My husband is exactly like yours, and that is why we have been married for 34 years. My username is similar to yours, and I am grateful everyday that I have a loving man.
> 
> *I think what happens is that easy going men marry decisive women, and after awhile the women lose respect for their husbands, and then the sexual attraction is gone*. There is a woman like this at work. She loves tall guys that she can push around, and she is on her third husband. After awhile she loses interest in her husband, but I don't think that she could be married to a strong man.


This sums it up quickly... in my case I always just thought I was easygoing, never ever felt like I was walked on I just avoided the things I didn't like and found contentment, even pleasure, in whatever things came my way. Works fine for a man going it alone but in a relationship it becomes an entire dynamic - on many things I was deferring to my W to make a decision because it was things that affected her (I genuinely was fine either way). Perhaps she saw this as weak? Perhaps she thought I wasn't standing up for my boundaries, which is partly true because I've never actually tried to define my boundaries, always thought nature just took care of that. Well I guess nature did take care of it, through my W's loins and her loss of attraction to me and for OM instead.

I guess I'm a pacifist, I am convinced that I'd fight when I need to fight but I've never once felt it necessary to... if my son was in danger I'd remove him from the threat, if I had a spouse in danger I'd expect her to be intelligent enough to remove herself and if she was unable to I'd intervene but these kind of situations virtually never happen in my life, or am I just blind? 

If someone challenges me, I just tend to disarm them with passivity - my whole life I've just considered this maturity and peacefulness, even received much praise and compliments for it, believed it was maybe even wisdom. Now, I honestly don't know because through this all has been a growing sensation of unfulfilment. Plus knowing now that these are considered "beta" qualities and is not attractive to desirable women it is just depressing and sad. I want fulfillment and to attract a good woman but I haven't really decided if giving up what I've held onto as important about myself for so long is something I am willing to do, or even be able to. How can my appreciation for everything in this universe be intepreted as a lack of ambition or drive? How dare people say I have no passion, I guess they just really can't see it, atleast by looking only at the superficial...


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

my husband is alpha all the way. he dosent like anything that women could poss use, like chapstick..wont touch it, its lipstick...cracks me up.

but i love it. he is loud and takes sh!t from no one. he takes up for me, hates to look stupid, dosent wear pink, purple, or any other "girl colors".

he does cook, and can iron. i am not a beta, and he has to be strong to put up with me. to me everybody is different, like my husband is alpha in the world, and 50% in the bedroom. he does have last say so at home..sometimes....

but to me he is thoughtful and kind to me, and our kids. just other folks out in the world...look out when he is in a bad mood.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Well, I will admit that I don't rightly know exactly what an "alpha" or a "beta" is to know what my husband is.

He's strong - both physically and mentally. He's got the nicest, widest set of shoulders that I've ever seen. 

He's mature, motivated, driven. He is brutally independent and stubborn to a fault at times - that is both good and bad. 

He worked his way up from growing up in a poor family, working and paying his own way through college. He worked in some deplorable places to do so - like on the kill floor of a cattle processing plant. He seems to appreciate the things that he has that are a result of his hard work.

He is definitely not a pushover, but he's really very kind-hearted and compassionate. Loves kids and dogs. He just doesn't cater to 'neer do wells' very well.

He's not loud or brash at all - sometimes people who don't know him will think he is taciturn, even a bit sarcastic at times. People who do get to know him realize he has a great sense of humor and is just more introspective.

He's committed - to me and our family. Does things he doesn't like doing because they have to be done and doesn't grumble too much. Definitely lets me know when I grumble too much. 

He has the patience of Job compared to me. He's very level-headed while I may be going in a million directions.

He's the kind of guy who will read through the instructions to see how to put something together and then just put it together. I'm the kind who throws the instructions aside and just tries to start putting it together on my own. Well, I'm impatient, you know?

He's got his hobbies and such - he's always been big into physical fitness - loves lifting weights, likes to run, likes to read and watch boring old history and weather stuff. Likes to watch way too many sports things - especially football. Likes to collect dirty, old coins.

I don't know. What does that make him? The label doesn't much matter to me. He's mine, and I love him.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> I don't know. What does that make him? The label doesn't much matter to me. He's mine, and I love him.


Rock on :smthumbup:


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## charlene (Jul 21, 2011)

Well according to the article i read it could mean a lot of stuff ...
I think my husband wants to be dominant, but doesn't have the personality for it /quality yes , but he's not a macho type/. IMO that's why he always struggles. I think it's because sociaty here,where we''re from, thinks the men should be alpha-type.
He can be determined, ambitious and passionate in everything, but in the same time he''s sensitive, very hesitant, and has been caught to do household chores 
I think he becomes alpha only when i'm acting like an alpha type. And i'm not exactly beta type and that's causing problems.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

My husband is VERY alpha, probably too much for most women, which probably explains why until we met, he didn't have that the really strong chemistry that we have. He's the second alpha man I've been with, I was also with a few beta men; having experienced both, alpha works better with MY personality. 

I find it very attractive that he is alpha without making any effort to be alpha. He has to try if he wants to 'act beta' for some reason.

He has the "firm and quiet" thing down. I don't think I've ever heard him say "I'm pretty sure", "I'd rather...", etc.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> I've read over and over on this site on how women prefer their men to be the "alpha" type. I'm curious if your husband has alpha qualities.
> 
> Men, are you alpha or are you more of beta?
> 
> ...


I have always identified with nearly every post you write -in regards to your husband, he sounds EXACTLY like mine. I seriously wonder if he has the exact same temperment as my husbands... 

Have you & him ever taken any temperment tests ? I did a thread on this - would love to hear what you both are, I suspect Phlegmatic for you both, given you never fight, even your kids seem so tame. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ments-our-spouses-better-understand-them.html

Though our husbands sound so very similar -as I can see here, I am not as "sweet" as you. NO, I am rough around the edges. ANd our kids FIGHT. BUt I don't think it is any big deal at all, I see this as pretty normal behavior, they love each other too, but they also love to annoy at times. We even razz them about it. 

I couldn't say I never expect anything, I can be rather selfish, why I was very careful to marry someone who had the same values, hopes & dreams as me -or I believe it would have been a WAR. And if I don't watch myself, I am capable of being arrogent at times, I try to level this out with some humility. I DO enjoy arguing now & then- my husband will even say ...I like to fight- but he always says it with a smile  .... I LOVE debate, I can be feisty - it is not always calm at our house, but the funniest thing about our marraige is ......My hushand LIKES women like this! He has ALWAYS said....-he likes "*rough women*", even the girls he had crushes on in Elementary , I laughed & laughed, they were all the bad girls. And he is the utter opposite of this, nice guy incarnate. 

I never was the type to get into too much trouble (only with my mouth at times with girlfriends), so he was attracted to women worse than me -but he can handle me very well. He said to me one day...." who needs a roller derby woman, I got you!" & hugs me tight.

I can't seem to help it, I am just more "intense", whether it be anger, happiness, sadness, Joy.... If I am feeling something strongly, it just shows, it is on the sleeve. Of coarse when it is good, it is VERY good , enthusiam overflowing, to the point of being catchy. But when it is bad, I can really let it fly. MY kids will listen -when Mama gets angry, and they see I am not playing. 

But both of us can be as mushy as mushy can possibly be, and I wouldn't trade it for anything in this world. 

I do very much RESPECT my husband, he has been so faithful and true, always goes above & beyond for me & our family. 

I absolutely adore these type of MEN, so long as they are HONEST, not faking who they are and good looking, I prefer the scales tipped more in the Beta direction 100 % of the time, they have the qualities I value the MOST, when you couple those qualities with confidence in themselves of course, not bowing to others -to be liked. We will never be liked by everyone. 

We are what we are, to be the BEST of what we are -should be all of our aim and ...."praise" those differences.

IF all men were Alphas and the beta traits all died , the world would go to Hell. I agree any good man needs a mixture of both traits though! But I still want it tipped more Beta. If I found myself single, I would probably advertise ....looking for the Nice Guys. 

Here is a thread that speaks about this stuff, notice the posts by Atholk....as the original poster had it all wrong, too much reading on Google slaughering the Beta qualities.... Atholk has the TRUE Balanced view on all of these things - wrote about it in his latest book (I even bought it ) , I was surprised he admitted to being more Beta naturally - and sexually..... these men are more Pleasers in bed, wanting thier wives pleasure MORE than their own, what woman wouldn't want that !! 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/23220-definitive-alpha-beta-thread.html

.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Lon said:


> If someone challenges me, I just tend to disarm them with passivity - my whole life I've just considered this maturity and peacefulness, even received much praise and compliments for it, believed it was maybe even wisdom.


 A little challenging is good though. ..... I was reading in one of my Temperment Books, they used President Ford as their Phlegmatic example --he will always be known for the President who KEPT OUT OF TROUBLE, praised for what he didn't do in ticking people and countries off. SO even this has it's place. BUt who would say President Ford was a Loser, he still got to the top, he was the Best man he could be -given his natural born temperment.

This is also what you need to focus on Lon, not trying to change your stripes totally, just tweek them some, small steps. Then you will still recognize that good man in the mirror. 




> I want fulfillment and to attract a good woman but I haven't really decided if giving up what I've held onto as important about myself for so long is something I am willing to do, or even be able to. How can my appreciation for everything in this universe be intepreted as a lack of ambition or drive? How dare people say I have no passion, I guess they just really can't see it, atleast by looking only at the superficial...


You got it, it IS the superficial, isn't it. I completely GET the things you are saying about yourself here....


> in many things I was deferring to my W to make a decision because it was things that affected her (I genuinely was fine either way).


 MY husband is the same way. He knows I KNOW what I want and am harder to please, whereas he just genuinelly enjoys going for the ride, so yes, he often allows me to decide things, he surely wants my input. I have even had to argue with him to TELL ME what for and stop being so unselfish, now if those are not silly fights, I am not sure what is !! I never really looked at THIS as weak, I looked at it more as LOVING -personally. Then I would think to myself .....well, he is better than me, cause I want my way. Makes me look bad. I am sure glad he doesn't see me as an Oger. Which he doesn't, he praises me as much as I praise him. But sure -it helps we both like the same stuff ! He has a few hobbies that I am not into , and of coarse I love reading -he would spit at that, neither are forums on his list of enjoyments, but putting aside a few of our hobbies, we are totally insinc with each other, our personalites compliment each other.

I , in no way, would think a man like this , is lacking passion , he may not be out boldly making a display of his Passions for all to gawk at and be charmed by --but deep within, it is there, much of these men's passion is related to who they love, what they hold dear in life -they are often the Peacemakers..... where would this world be without them ...in the workplace, behind the scenes- where few see, they even pave the road for the Alphas to get in the spotlight many times, but it can be a thankless position at times, they are the Wind beneath others wings even. This too in our very marriages . It is sad many women take these things for granted. 

I hope you find a woman who is deep enough to appreciate you for WHO you are and the treasure you have to give.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Have you & him ever taken any temperment tests ? I did a thread on this - would love to hear what you both are, I suspect Phlegmatic for you both, given you never fight, even your kids seem so tame. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ments-our-spouses-better-understand-them.html.


Very interesting. I do have pretty much most of the Phlegmatic traits. I'm pretty positive my husband does too, but he has not taken the test himself. Usually people say that opposites attract. Well that is not the case in our marriage. We are very much alike in every way. I'm very blessed to have him in my life. Most men would of left me by now, I broke my neck 3 years ago and never fully recovered. My husband is right by my side still asking me what I need to feel more comfortable. He is perfectly fine with my daily limitations. 

My first husband was just the opposite of my current husband. My ex was abusive, but he LOVED to fight every single day. He loved to belittle me and always tell me what a worthless piece of crap I was. Luckily I do have a backbone and walked away. His current wife chooses to stay. He's even gotten worse over the years. To this days my ex blames me for his miserable life.
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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> IF all men were Alphas and the beta traits all died , the world would go to Hell. I agree any good man needs a mixture of both traits though! But I still want it tipped more Beta. If I found myself single, I would probably advertise ....looking for the Nice Guys.
> .


I completely agree with this. 
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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> I'm very blessed to have him in my life. Most men would of left me by now, I broke my neck 3 years ago and never fully recovered. My husband is right by my side still asking me what I need to feel more comfortable. He is perfectly fine with my daily limitations


I am so sorry to hear all that you have been through, I can not even imagine how hard it must be , and what you went through with your 1st husband, I seen some of your comments on another thread, good thing you got away from that man, you could have much to share with other struggling women in this area -with your success story of finding new love & a very happy marriage. 

There are 2 types of temperment tests - I do wonder if your husband is a ...."ISFJ"....Introverted Sensing Feeling Judging? .....and guess who the Poster child is for that temperment....Mother Teresa, the epitomy of caring and helping, it is what gives these types purpose and joy, they almost NEED to be needed. Only 8 % of men fall into this particular Temperment type (there are 16 varieties) - but near 28 % are women, I think this is what I recall reading, feeling my husband is a rare one. 

I find the whole subject fasinating. What drives us, why we are all so different, why some traits come so easy for some- like it is their nature - and others struggle relentlessly to BE the same thing, or act in the same way. It would be a struggle for me to be "as patient" as my husband (which is a beautiful trait to have) , but it would be a struggle for him to be as openly assertive as me- (and this is not such a bad thing either, when it is called for).


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## bubbly girl (Oct 11, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> I don't know. What does that make him? The label doesn't much matter to me. He's mine, and I love him.


I think would make him "just right". :smthumbup:


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## MNM (Nov 30, 2011)

Was with an alpha for 8 years...left him for a beta. HAHAHAHA! I'm enough alpha for both of us but he doesn't let me push him around. I love it!


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I'd term him a gentleman.

My husband: shows compassion, manners, and consideration to others. 

He is always punctual, reliable, and expects the same from others. My "we have plenty of time" self, used to view this as slightly rigid. He once expressed to me why it's important to him and why it's not cool to be this way with him. I then really understood it was about respect and now I make sure I'm ready, regardless of whether I feel we have plenty of time or not. I guess I'm using this example to show that he sets boundaries through his own actions and by calmly but assertively expressing himself. Punctuality has become more important to me because he has set that expectation. On the flip-side, if I do happen to be running late (which rarely happens) he also has the ability to make light of the situation and roll with it.

He patiently listens and gives advice when I need it. He doesn't try to push his opinion or perspective on me. He might question, encourage me to see things differently and come to my own conclusion. Other times he might give me the wake up call I need. I'm never offended when he does this. But I know when he feels he's being harsh, as he does this little giggle and says "It's tough love, baby. That means I love you, but this advice has to be a bit tough." I always tell him I know and that he doesn't need to say it but upon reflection, writing this, it's really great that he does. 

What an amazing cook he is! If we're invited to dinner or there's a social event involving food, he'll take the helm in the kitchen and whip up a feast. He takes pride in everything he does.

He is becoming more open and dominant regarding his sexual needs. I LOVE this. In hindsight, this side of him was slightly there all along but I think we needed to break some patterns and get a renewed perspective. It's allowed him to be more this way. He likes to pursue me, just slightly, he likes the tease, and I like him to take charge. We've been striking a good balance with this again recently. 

He's opening up more with friends too. We were having dinner with another couple and he shared some of his work frustrations and what he was learning. They commented they wouldn't be able to handle that level of stress and that he never looks worried by things. I think it was refreshing for them to see another side of him and the way he handles scenarios. I think it was refreshing for him to share this with them.

When he commits to doing something, he follows it through. He has a lot of inner strength. He says I inspire him but it's actually the other way around. He values a life in balance. He's not an all-or-nothing kind of guy. Consistency is important to him. He doesn't have ripped muscles or a strong jaw-line. Actually he resembles Dave Grohl - similar features. He's not big into sports, he doesn't drink beer, actually he rarely drinks. He's not a manly-man in that way but he works a pair of jeans and was the finest looking man walking out of his office yesterday. He has a great sense of humor. It'd be hard for anyone to imagine him being angry or annoyed but he has no problem asserting himself when needed.

There was one chocolate cookie left. I'd worked late, had a migraine all day (which I never usually get!) and had jumped on the train. It was the route further from home but I was feeling nauseous and wanting to get home as quickly as possible. On the train I texted and asked if he could pick me up from the other station. He said, sure what time? I replied 10mins. Sure enough, he was there. As soon as I saw him, I started feeling a bit better. He'd bought the dog too as he thought I could probably benefit with seeing both of them. We got home, he made me a tea and had saved the last chocolate cookie for me. My migraine passed and I cuddled up next to him and told him how much I appreciated him. It's these little ways of being there for each other, it's the consideration, it's knowing he's there .....I don't know if this makes him a nice guy, a good guy, a beta, an alpha, a gentleman, but I'm just glad that he is who he is.


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