# advice on where i stand?



## tallkiwi

Hello.
In February 2018 my partner of 8 years and I separated (her idea).

Some of these posts are really long, so I'll write a list of what I think is important. Ask if you want me to elaborate on anything.

- our relationship was having troubles for the past 12-18 months, mostly a result of my depression and a bout of sleep aponea
- we were living isolated in a new country for the last 4 years and our interdependency turned into codependency
- we were saving to buy a house together
- she had been away on holiday in africa for 2 weeks and ended the relationship when she returned. I wondered about infidelity but I don't believe this was an issue
- she didn't ask to break up, but said that we should not renew our lease because we wanted different things
- i feel that I pushed the breakup instead of trying working it out
- i responded really badly to the rejection, but did not abuse her physically or verbally
- I moved out 2 weeks after the breakup
- she brought a house the week after I signed a lease to rent an apartment, and moved in to that house last weekend, 16 weeks after the breakup
- we went away on holiday together for 4 nights, 6 weeks after we separated. This was not something already booked. we have not slept together since then
- we have continued to see each other (maybe once every 10 days) and communicate. She has been asking for space and I have not given it to her
- I have been making some big changes, having lost 20kgs (in a good way), been seeing a psychologist regularly, and have made contact with my estranged fathers family (he's dead unfortunately)
- i've been asking to go to couples counselling and she says that she has no desire to do so, but has not completely ruled it out either


How do you think my chances look of reconciling with her?


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## tech-novelist

I think your relationship is over. She has moved on and probably has a new boyfriend or similar.


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## Lostinthought61

Time to walk away and ghost her....either two things will happen nothing and then you know your the only carrying the torch or she will go out of her way to find you and bring you back. I think she doesn't want to hurt you but she has someone else.


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## tallkiwi

I'm not convinced that there is someone else, not yet anyway. 
We have spoken on the phone regularly and she's always at home. After reading tech-novelists reply, I called her and asked if she was seeing anyone and she got annoyed (not the first time I've asked). The conversation went like this:



> Her: "Seriously! This again? No I'm not. You don't call me a liar, but keep asking the same question. Why do you think I'm not telling the truth"
> Me: "because maybe you would hide it to avoid hurting me. If you were seeing someone, would you tell me?"
> Her: "Yes! Especially if that would stop you asking this"


^ So... not great dialogue, but I really don't think she's seeing anyone at the moment.


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## TeddieG

Yes, I think tech-novelist is right, and so is Lostinthought61 - time to ghost her. Those kinds of conversations are not going to help.


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## tech-novelist

tallkiwi said:


> I'm not convinced that there is someone else, not yet anyway.
> We have spoken on the phone regularly and she's always at home. After reading tech-novelists reply, I called her and asked if she was seeing anyone and she got annoyed (not the first time I've asked). The conversation went like this:
> 
> 
> 
> ^ So... not great dialogue, but I really don't think she's seeing anyone at the moment.


Of course she may not be seeing anyone else. However, if she _is _seeing someone but still wants to keep you available as a backup plan, she isn't going to admit it.

Just read a couple of dozen threads here in the infidelity section and you'll see what I mean.


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## BluesPower

Dude, she is absolutely having and affair. 

And frankly, I don't know why you would even think about trying to save your marriage to her...


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## FalCod

It doesn't matter whether or not she is having an affair. She isn't that into you. Why stay? If you convince her to stay now, you're probably just delaying the inevitable. Move on and find someone that loves you. There are billions of women in the world. Why would you want to stay with one that isn't that into you?


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## Openminded

What are your chances? In the single digits. 

Maybe if things don't work out as she thought they would she'll return to you. But don't count on it.


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## Marc878

You are following the same flawed path that most dumpees follow. 

You chase they move farther away. If there was a chance you'll blow it because you can't let go.

Your actions since she's asked for space are annoying. It puts you in a needy, clingy stays which is very unnattractive.

Like most you won't listen and will continue until she cuts you off.

You should wake up to reality and go your own way like she has.

It's not the end of the world and there are others out there.


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