# 4 years married. Should I cheat?



## GreenRain (Jan 15, 2014)

Let me start by saying that I love my husband and I have a very high sex drive. I have only had sex with one man my whole life (my husband) and I have never experienced an orgasm. Sex is maybe twice a week and lasts maybe 2 minutes (4 on a good day). If he ever goes more than 3-4 minutes he starts getting soft and sais he finished "a little" even though I know he hasn't. I don't think I am attractive by any means (thanks to my husband), but I do for some reason get a lot of attention from men (usually the bad boy/charming type). I don't know if he is not good at sex or if I just don't have the ability to orgasm. He sais he is very attracted to me, but he denies me sex all the time. He wants it an average of once a week and we are both in our late 20s. I love him, but I can't stop wondering what it would be like to have sex with someone with higher sex drive that can actually help me orgasm. 

Help?


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

This is a very bad road you're thinking of going down. First of all, the answer is no, you should never have an affair. Like, that is the worst solution you could possibly come up with. Go to marriage counseling, or a sex therapist. THERAPY, THERAPY, THERAPY!!

Also I would suggest finding out your husband's fetishes. Have a talk with him and see how you can spice things up. I really think you need professional help, though.


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## GreenRain (Jan 15, 2014)

Thnx Ariel_Angel.
We have talked. He sais he loves me and everything is perfect. I do anything he asks me to in bed but he doesn't really ask for much. I even beg him to allow me to give him blow jobs (I wish I was exaggerating). He has yelled at me and punched pillows or walls when I have insisted on giving him a blow job at a time where he is not in the mood. I feel like he is lazy and would much rather just not have sex. Sex doesn't interest him. How can therapy increase someone's sex drive. He was a virgin also when we first had sex (he was 26). I just want to know what good satisfying sex feels like and if I don't cheat on him I don't think it will ever happen. Can I live the rest of my life without having ever been satisfied in bed? Has anyone else done it? I have always looked down on people that cheat, but I am so tempted.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I would resist the temptation of leaving a functioning marriage with the expectation of trading up. If you can live with the one you have you aren't in a bad place. There may not be a number 2. If you do find number 2, he might turn out to be a psycho, a serial killer, a wife beater, completely sexless, secretly gay, a felon, a terrorist, a devil worshiper, or maybe just no more able to give you the big O than number 1. Whatever number 2 is, he won't come with any appendages your current husband doesn't have. I would suggest working out whatever sex issues you may have with the man you've got. 
Dumping one relationship for another doesn't mean dumping your problems. It means swapping your current problems for new problems. The grass is rarely greener on the other side of the fence. You have a level of intimacy with this one that you can never have with anyone else (the knowledge that he's the only dude you've ever given yourself to). That's pretty special and unless the other 23 hours a day were completely intolerable, I'd do my best to work this out.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Well of course you should cheat. Those vows you made mean zilch. Go out bang some random dude without protection and if you are lucky get knocked up. Maybe just maybe you can go on Maury to find out who the baby daddy is!!!
Or get a divorce.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

You should divorce before having sex with someone else. Cheating while still married will ruin the marriage so why even consider that? 

I would bet if he was a virgin at the age of 26 he has spent lots of times masturbating and looking at porn, and probably still is. He is in the habit of whacking off, two or three minutes and his urge is satisfied. Making love to a woman takes time, he doesn't want to invest that time. Probably he has already masturbated before bed and then when you come on to him he panics knowing he can't perform so acts ticked off. I have never ever ever ever heard of a man throwing a temper tantrum because his wife WANTS to give him a BJ....that's just bizarre. 

I would do some snooping on your computers and phones, I would bet you will find he is viewing porn on a daily basis.

As for you...you do know that you don't need a man to have an orgasm right?


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

GreenRain said:


> ...I have a very high sex drive. ...I have never experienced an orgasm.


Is it possible for those two points to be talking about the same person?

Now, this is coming from a man. So...

I had my first 1,000 or so orgasms before I ever even worked up the nerve to talk to a woman. Point being, maybe it's you?


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

GreenRain said:


> He has yelled at me and punched pillows or walls when I have insisted on giving him a blow job at a time where he is not in the mood.


I don't even know what that statement means.


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## NewToHeartBreak (Jul 8, 2014)

Don't cheat. You will end up feeling disgusted with yourself and your husband and family will lose all respect for you. If a poor sex life is this big an issue for you then try to fix it and if you can't then leave your husband. The end result of cheating is likely to be divorce but if you try to fix it even if you fail you can leave with your self respect and dignity intact. 

My apologies in advance if you find my following comments crude I don't intend them to be and don't wish to cause offence. 

"I have only had sex with one man my whole life (my husband) and I have never experienced an orgasm."

Study after study shows that most woman can't orgasm from penetrative sex alone. The fact you haven't had one is not your husbands fault. If you haven't given your self one how do you expect some one else to? 

Buy your self a vibrator and find some time alone where you feel completely comfortable. These days there are lots of sex toys that don't look crude and offensive. Some thing like this perhaps

INA WAVE | INA Wave™ - an Iconic Design with All-New Pleasure | LELO

As far as improving your sex life with your husband your probably better to just go straight to sex therapist with your husband as they will know how to help.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

*badsanta*, couldn't you have just said "Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Clause"? 'Tis the season.


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## NewToHeartBreak (Jul 8, 2014)

"How can therapy increase someone's sex drive?"

How will you know if you don't go? They are the experts in this field if there is something the two of you can do to improve things they will know what it is. If there isn't they will be able to tell you so and then you can make an informed decision about what you do next. 

If it wasn't a struggle of will for him to wait till 26 to lose his virginity then he is out side the norm.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Does he have some sort of addiction? Porn / gaming / drugs? Does he masturbate often? Sounds like you got to him after a long time of him satisfying himself and now that's all he could be bothered doing. A quick tug in the shower. A 26 yr old virgin...

Anyway, if you want to see if you can orgasm, try doing it for yourself. Grab a dirty mag, read some stories in it, masturbate, maybe even try a dildo. Not that I think it should replace sex, but it sounds like you missed that period of growing up where we figure out our own bodies.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

You need to get him a physical checkup with your physician. He might have some medical problems. He is unable to maintain himself for you to complete the sexual act or ejaculate too early. They have medication as Viagra and Cialis that might help his condition. He might avoid sexual activities with you for fear of failure.

Before you throw in the towel, seek medical help. Don't have an affair. This will make it much worse for your marriage.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I'd like to understand how a person can have a very high sex drive when: Only been with 1 man who is low-drive, PE, 2-4 minutes tops and admits has never had an orgasm and doesn't know what satisfying sex is.

That's like saying you love ice cream when you've never had it.

'Tis the season for elves, reindeer and other forest creatures.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> I would resist the temptation of leaving a functioning marriage with the expectation of trading up. If you can live with the one you have you aren't in a bad place. There may not be a number 2. If you do find number 2, he might turn out to be a psycho, a serial killer, a wife beater, completely sexless, secretly gay, a felon, a terrorist, a devil worshiper, or maybe just no more able to give you the big O than number 1. Whatever number 2 is, he won't come with any appendages your current husband doesn't have. I would suggest working out whatever sex issues you may have with the man you've got.
> Dumping one relationship for another doesn't mean dumping your problems. It means swapping your current problems for new problems. The grass is rarely greener on the other side of the fence. You have a level of intimacy with this one that you can never have with anyone else (the knowledge that he's the only dude you've ever given yourself to). That's pretty special and unless the other 23 hours a day were completely intolerable, I'd do my best to work this out.


Why is this never the advice given to men?

Why when a man complains he is HD and his wife isn't into sex is the advice ever "Well, come on, the next one might be a total psycho, how bad is it to only have 'meh' sex once a week when you are HD?"

You'd have people clamoring and crying about how you don't understand how a lack of quality sex kills an HD persons soul. 

I mean, we know nothing else about this couple besides their sex life, so how does one instantly label it "functioning." Is the definition of a "functional" marriage for a woman as long as the husband isn't a "psycho, a serial killer, a wife beater, completely sexless, secretly gay, a felon, a terrorist, a devil worshiper?"

Is the expectation of an enjoyable sex life only for men?


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## Gonecrazy (Oct 12, 2014)

I understand your frustration. If the rest of the relationship is good I would work on the sexual part before considering cheating. If he was a virgin till that age, and can only last 2 minutes, there is a pretty good chance that he is accustomed to only lasting 2 minutes due to porn and self pleasuring. He needs to learn to be accustomed to lasting longer. There are plenty of help resources on the internet.

If you have never O, you need to learn how to by your self first. Then I would ask him to give oral to you. Take any erectile pressure away from him by asking for oral. Make sure he knows that you love him and that he can pleasure you with his tongue. Then after his confidence is built, start working on penetrating sex. 

2 minutes is pitiful and you should have no problem finding someone who can last longer. No woman can really find pleasure in 2 minutes of love making. If you want to destroy your marriage and be guilt ridden just so you can solve your problem faster, it's an option. Give him a chance, he might surprise you, but if he has no intent on working on it or talking about it remember. Your sexual peak is going to be around 40. If you leave him is a few years, your not going to miss out on anything!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MachoMcCoy said:


> Is it possible for those two points to be talking about the same person?
> 
> Now, this is coming from a man. So...
> 
> I had my first 1,000 or so orgasms before I ever even worked up the nerve to talk to a woman. Point being, maybe it's you?


Their 'love making' last 2 - 4 minutes. It's all for him. He is obviously not spending any time at all doing anything to help her have an orgasm.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There are several reasons why your husband might approach sex the way he does. I think that it’s most likely that he’s been using porn and masturbating for years. He has no idea how to actually have good sex with a woman. Plus, he’s too used to the quick orgasm he gets from masturbating.

This is becoming more and more common today with young men who have had easy access to online porn from an early age.



GreenRain said:


> How can therapy increase someone's sex drive. He was a virgin also when we first had sex (he was 26).


A marriage counselor who is a sex therapist can help in many ways. If your husband has become accustomed to using porn and so he cannot enjoy sex with a live women, then the sex therapist can give him things to do to get him to stop using the porn and start to see you as the source of is sexual satisfaction. 

There is a good possibility that he is also high drive. But he expresses it with porn and masturbation.

Plus, I get the feeling that the two of you have a lot to learn about how to have a satisfying sex life. A sex therapist and teach you this, point you to things to read and videos that can teach you both.

You say that sex with your husband lasts 2 – 4 minutes. So is sex with him just him having intercourse with you? Is there any foreplay? Does he do anything to get you turned on? Has he ever done oral on you? 

Only about 25% of women can orgasm from intercourse alone. Most women organism from things like oral sex on her, or manual stimulation, or sex toys.



GreenRain said:


> I just want to know what good satisfying sex feels like and if I don't cheat on him I don't think it will ever happen.


Don’t cheat. Instead line up a good marriage/sex therapist/counselor. Then tell your husband that you cannot deal with a sex life that consists of him have 2-4 minutes of intercourse. You need to have a sex life in which there is foreplay, orgasms and all the wonderful pleasures that go with sex. You want him to have that with you. Then tell him that you need for him to go to counseling with you because something has to get fixed. 



GreenRain said:


> Can I live the rest of my life without having ever been satisfied in bed? Has anyone else done it? I have always looked down on people that cheat, but I am so tempted.


If he refuses to go to counseling and refuses to work to fix your sex life so that the two of you get a lot of pleasure out of it, then you have a huge problem in our marriage. 

DO NOT CHEAT. It will backfire. You will hate yourself and he will most likely either dump you or punish you emotionally forever when he finds out. And yes he will most likely find out.

If he will not work with you to fix your sex life, you will grow to not like him; probably to hate him for purposely depriving you of something as important as a good sex life. I would suggest that if this happens you divorce. That way you will be free to find a man who actually cares.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> I would resist the temptation of leaving a functioning marriage with the expectation of trading up. If you can live with the one you have you aren't in a bad place. There may not be a number 2. If you do find number 2, he might turn out to be a psycho, a serial killer, a wife beater, completely sexless, secretly gay, a felon, a terrorist, a devil worshiper, or maybe just no more able to give you the big O than number 1.


Or, if she learns from this situation, the next guy might be more prepared and wiser; thus picking a loving, caring, wonderful sex god of a man.

On TAM, men are constantly told to drop the frigid #$)#*$# of a wife and go find a younger, hotter woman. But this is the advice given to a woman who has a husband who refuses to give her any sexual pleasure at all? Good grief.



unbelievable said:


> Whatever number 2 is, he won't come with any appendages your current husband doesn't have. I would suggest working out whatever sex issues you may have with the man you've got.


It’s not the appendage between her husband’s legs that is the problem here. He apparently also has a problem with the largest and strongest sex organ a human has.. his brain.

While it is true that both her husband and any new guy will both have the same appendage between his legs, she can find a man who knows how to use both that appendage and the organ that sits in his skull on top of his shoulders.

I agree that the OP should get a MC/sex-therapist and see if her husband will work with her to develop a good, loving sex life. But if in 6 months things have not improved to the point that they are having regular, over the top sex, then she should leave him and go find a man who knows what to do with the pendage on top of his shoulders and the on between his legs.


unbelievable said:


> Dumping one relationship for another doesn't mean dumping your problems. It means swapping your current problems for new problems. The grass is rarely greener on the other side of the fence. You have a level of intimacy with this one that you can never have with anyone else (the knowledge that he's the only dude you've ever given yourself to). That's pretty special and unless the other 23 hours a day were completely intolerable, I'd do my best to work this out.


This “intimacy” that he’s the only guy she’s ever had sex with is about a silly as it gets. Look at the sex she is having. What it is, is just occasional quickies. There is no making love. He does nothing to give her pleasure.

The OP has only 50% control over whether or not they can fix their sex life and turn it into actual love making with both of them getting and giving each other pleasure.

Even if everything outside of the sex is very good, if he refuses to work on fix their sex life, then it’s more than reasonable for her to leave and divorce him. By refusing to work on their sex life and refusing to give her pleasure, he is telling her that he does not love her in the way a man should love his wife.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

HD who hasn't had sex more than once a week with her husband, was a relatively old virgin and has never had an orgasm (and from that I assume never even masturbated). As someone pointed out earlier, how on earth would she know if she's HD or not?

As for the 2-4min bump and grind, yeah, without being so horny you're climbing the walls, or had some very good foreplay, no one is getting off on that.


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

Even if you chose the option of extra marital sex, there is no guarantee that your lover won't turn out like your husband - a dud. Or if your lover was sexually knowledgeable and gave you mind blowing orgasms on demand, would you be able to mentally/emotionally compartmentalize so you could lead a successful double life? No matter how you cut it, cheating for sex will only bring a world of pain that will outweigh any carnal pleasure you derived from it.

So what is the solution? Express to your husband the need for professional counseling to help the two of you resolve your sexual issues. If he refuses then your husband is telling you that he doesn't care about you. At that point, you either accept that you will never have a husband that will satisfy your sexual needs or that it is time to end the marriage honorably. Your choice. I hope you choose wisely.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Starstarfish said:


> Why is this never the advice given to men?
> 
> Why when a man complains he is HD and his wife isn't into sex is the advice ever "Well, come on, the next one might be a total psycho, how bad is it to only have 'meh' sex once a week when you are HD?"
> 
> ...


If you've followed my other posts, you know I'm in one of those sexless marriages and have been for years. The OP hasn't suggested that her husband refuses sex or intimacy or that he is otherwise indifferent to her basic physical needs. She is merely curious to know if sex might be more exciting or pleasurable with some other person. I would never recommend anyone leave under those conditions. I also would not recommend someone leave with the expectation that they were trading up. In my view, the choice should be between a life forever alone or a life with one's current partner. If you love married life so much you can't wait to soon continue the practice with another partner, you aren't ready to leave the one you've got.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> If you've followed my other posts, you know I'm in one of those sexless marriages and have been for years. The OP hasn't suggested that her husband refuses sex or intimacy or that he is otherwise indifferent to her basic physical needs. She is merely curious to know if sex might be more exciting or pleasurable with some other person. I would never recommend anyone leave under those conditions. I also would not recommend someone leave with the expectation that they were trading up. In my view, the choice should be between a life forever alone or a life with one's current partner. If you love married life so much you can't wait to soon continue the practice with another partner, you aren't ready to leave the one you've got.


She says that he sex lasts 2 - 4 minutes and she has never had an orgasm. It is pretty clear that he is "otherwise indifferent to her basic physical needs." There is no pleasure for her in the sex life with her husband.



unbelievable said:


> I also would not recommend someone leave with the expectation that they were trading up. In my view, the choice should be between a life forever alone or a life with one's current partner. If you love married life so much you can't wait to soon continue the practice with another partner, you aren't ready to leave the one you've got.


It's rather odd to view wanting to find someone to have an actual sex life with (she really has no sex life) as trading up.

You are ok with a sexless marriage. That is your choice. 

But to try to shame and frighten the OP for wanting a real sex live and not to just have her husband use her for quickies is really not good.


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## NewToHeartBreak (Jul 8, 2014)

I think some poster could be jumping to conclusions regarding the potential porn use is interfering with their sex lives. I'm not saying it's not a possibility to me it just doesn't make a good explanation.

Given he happily waited to 26 to have sex maybe he's just always been low sex drive. There are lots of possible reasons including low testosterone which I understand is easily remedied with mild medication.


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## NewToHeartBreak (Jul 8, 2014)

Go see a professional sex therapist with your husband. If he refuses make it very clear it is not optional if he wishes to stay married. 

You are entitled to a good sex life.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> She says that he sex lasts 2 - 4 minutes and she has never had an orgasm. It is pretty clear that he is "otherwise indifferent to her basic physical needs." There is no pleasure for her in the sex life with her husband.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


What would be the required minimum duration for a sexual episode before a spouse could be considered to have abandoned their marital vows? This seems pretty obvious to be a performance issue, possibly a medical issue and not a matter of some spouse refusing or being indifferent. If someone is blind do we divorce them because they won't take us for a drive? 
This is probably a matter that could be remedied with therapy , drugs, training, or whatever. That would seem to be a much better outcome than leaving a 90% good marriage for a 10% problem. 
I have no power to shame or frighten someone I don't even know. She came here for advise and I'm obliging. I'm sure she knows she can take or leave it.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

2-4 minutes from start to finish? Just the precursory teasing prior to foreplay ought to well exceed that by itself, unless of course, that his perception of loving sex is to stick it in, thrust a few times, then reach shangri-la!

Slow him down, make him head South and use that tongue of his on you for a long time, long before he gets to dive into the main entree!

2-4 minutes? That's not even suitable time enough for the verbal foreplay alone! Get into sexual therapy pron ~ this is not optional for him! But whatever you do, do not break your marital vows by cheating on him!

If that must be done, seek marriage counseling and divorce first!


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## Bruticus (Dec 18, 2014)

GreenRain said:


> Let me start by saying that I love my husband and I have a very high sex drive. I have only had sex with one man my whole life (my husband) and I have never experienced an orgasm. Sex is maybe twice a week and lasts maybe 2 minutes (4 on a good day). If he ever goes more than 3-4 minutes he starts getting soft and sais he finished "a little" even though I know he hasn't. I don't think I am attractive by any means (thanks to my husband), but I do for some reason get a lot of attention from men (usually the bad boy/charming type). I don't know if he is not good at sex or if I just don't have the ability to orgasm. He sais he is very attracted to me, but he denies me sex all the time. He wants it an average of once a week and we are both in our late 20s. I love him, but I can't stop wondering what it would be like to have sex with someone with higher sex drive that can actually help me orgasm.
> 
> Help?


don't cheat. leave him if you must, but don't cheat and do stuff behind his back. I hate that kind of stuff.


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## Bruticus (Dec 18, 2014)

GreenRain said:


> Thnx Ariel_Angel.
> We have talked. He sais he loves me and everything is perfect. I do anything he asks me to in bed but he doesn't really ask for much. I even beg him to allow me to give him blow jobs (I wish I was exaggerating). He has yelled at me and punched pillows or walls when I have insisted on giving him a blow job at a time where he is not in the mood. I feel like he is lazy and would much rather just not have sex. Sex doesn't interest him. How can therapy increase someone's sex drive. He was a virgin also when we first had sex (he was 26). I just want to know what good satisfying sex feels like and if I don't cheat on him I don't think it will ever happen. Can I live the rest of my life without having ever been satisfied in bed? Has anyone else done it? I have always looked down on people that cheat, but I am so tempted.


wow, never known a man like that in my entire life. you may have to take some kind of action, but whatever it may be, stay honest.


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## ankh (Oct 14, 2012)

First step is to get you to your first orgasm, and it sounds like it would need to be self served. You have to declare your sexual independence. Only when you know what an orgasm feels like well you be able to guide hubby to helping you enjoy one with him.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Does your husband know that you have never Oed? If so, I see him as remiss in his attentiveness to your needs. If he knows this and still refuses to provide what you need then you are forced to do something to provide for yourself.

You have been given many good suggestions here to ponder. I highly advise open communication with your H wherein you relate to him the seriousness of this situation. He must understand that you are ready to dissolve the marriage over this if he will not put forth the effort required to meet you needs. After you explain this to him in such a way that he acknowledges that he understands the severity of it and he still refuses to comply then you are faced with a decision. Stay and keep trying or go and find better/different/worse.

For the sake of your integrity, your honor, your decency and your respect for the man you married, you must take affair off of the table permanently. Live with it, work harder on it or D and move on but do not cheat.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> If you've followed my other posts, you know I'm in one of those sexless marriages and have been for years. The OP hasn't suggested that her husband refuses sex or intimacy or that he is otherwise indifferent to her basic physical needs. *She is merely curious to know if sex might be more exciting or pleasurable with some other person.* I would never recommend anyone leave under those conditions. I also would not recommend someone leave with the expectation that they were trading up. In my view, the choice should be between a life forever alone or a life with one's current partner. If you love married life so much you can't wait to soon continue the practice with another partner, you aren't ready to leave the one you've got.


Don't you think this situation is more serious than simple curiosity? It's much more serious than that. How many guys would throw a hissy fit or start punching pillows or screaming at his wife because she's trying to get him revved up to have another moment of intimacy? 

"Dammit woman, you WILL NOT give me a blowjob now or EVERRRRRR!!!!!" His reactions are over the top. I hope the OP doesn't cheat, but her husband is acting like an idiot in the sex department and is either a very selfish lover or is suffering from ED and won't tell his wife. Either approach is very stupid and is destroying this marriage. 

The sad part is that IF she cheats (which I REALLY hope she doesn't), because her husband refuses to either fix the sexual problems or refuses to work with her to improve their sex life, the OP will be raked over the coals and will be skewered. Of course the OP's husband will be told "divorce the tramp, you can do better, and get someone younger and hotter to replace her". LOL.

I truly loathe seeing situations where someone metaphorically throws away a good thing like it is trash only to later find out that when that "trash" is picked up by someone else...he/she "discovers" that they didn't MEAN to throw their spouse away as trash after all...


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening GreenRain
I'm sorry you are in this situation, a bad sex life is really destructive to a relationship, and you have every right to expect a satisfying love life.

Your quote below bothers me in several ways: "insist ..." "punched walls"? Both sides of that are really bad. 

Are you able to convince him of how important this is? If not, there really isn't much you can do.

I'll say don't cheat, but for different reasons than other people may give. If you cheat you will discover how wonderful sex really is with a good partner, and then you will leave anyway. You might as well leave first. 

If he won't work on this (therapy etc) then you really should leave, you can't be happy in this situation.




GreenRain said:


> (snip) He has yelled at me and punched pillows or walls when I have insisted on giving him a blow job at a time where he is not in the mood (snip).


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Come on, folks. Who insists on giving a blow job on an unwilling recipient? Spousal rape, anyone? Just how many walls have had to be patched because of the husband objecting? The OP has left the building and well they should. Their predicament is preposterous at best and laughable at worst.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> What would be the required minimum duration for a sexual episode before a spouse could be considered to have abandoned their marital vows? This seems pretty obvious to be a performance issue, possibly a medical issue and not a matter of some spouse refusing or being indifferent. If someone is blind do we divorce them because they won't take us for a drive?
> 
> This is probably a matter that could be remedied with therapy , drugs, training, or whatever. That would seem to be a much better outcome than leaving a 90% good marriage for a 10% problem.
> 
> I have no power to shame or frighten someone I don't even know. She came here for advise and I'm obliging. I'm sure she knows she can take or leave it.


Sex is not just about a guy sticking it in and getting off. He does nothing to give pleasure for his wife. If he did give her pleasure, but then only lasted 2-4 minutes during intercourse it would be just a performance issue. But he does nothing for her, so he's a selfish man who does not take care of her.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Blondilocks said:


> Come on, folks. Who insists on giving a blow job on an unwilling recipient? Spousal rape, anyone? Just how many walls have had to be patched because of the husband objecting? The OP has left the building and well they should. Their predicament is preposterous at best and laughable at worst.


You are probably right here.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Even if the thread itself is a total troll, some of the responses totally needed a response. The whole "goose" and "gander" nature of TAM sometimes is so beyond it would be laughable if it wasn't so scary.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Starstarfish said:


> Even if the thread itself is a total troll, some of the responses totally needed a response. The whole "goose" and "gander" nature of TAM sometimes is so beyond it would be laughable if it wasn't so scary.


I agree. Completely.

Additionally, there are people who are reading here but never post... hundreds if not thousands of them.

Some of them might be in similar situations. Even some troll threads turn into a very good opportunity for those people to get some input and ideas for their own situations.


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## GreenRain (Jan 15, 2014)

To clarify some things:

I have never had an orgasm with my husband. I do take care of myself, but I am assuming it should feel way more amazing when you do the "real" thing??? Maybe it doesn't? I don't know. Maybe I am not able to have a vaginal orgasm ever? I wouldn't know! I know I can have a clitoral one since I do it every day. My husband doesn't like giving oral. He likes receiving when he is in the mood. I have to wait for him to be in the mood. I am so tired of being rejected by him. I can never reject him because I feel privileged that he is even wanting to have sex so I wont miss my chance.



> Don't you think this situation is more serious than simple curiosity? It's much more serious than that. How many guys would throw a hissy fit or start punching pillows or screaming at his wife because she's trying to get him revved up to have another moment of intimacy?
> 
> "Dammit woman, you WILL NOT give me a blowjob now or EVERRRRRR!!!!!" His reactions are over the top. I hope the OP doesn't cheat, but her husband is acting like an idiot in the sex department and is either a very selfish lover or is suffering from ED and won't tell his wife. Either approach is very stupid and is destroying this marriage.
> 
> ...


It is very hurtful. Usually when I offer to "please him" it is at moments where we are both calm either watching TV or talking and having a good time. He will snap. It doesn't happen all the time of course, but the times that it has happened it is very hurtful. No I don't rape my husband (like someone here suggested). WOW. 


My problem is that I have started seriously contemplating having sex with someone else. I am Mediterranean and pretty exotic looking and even though I don't exactly consider myself to be a model, I do get a lot of attention from men. I do take care of myself. That combined with my desire to have satisfying sex and my husband not even trying to make me happy in bed is making me attracted to other men. And the men I am finding myself attracted to are usually army guys with tattoos (bad boy look) which is the opposite of what has usually been my type (tall, nerdy, nice guy kind of look).

I really want my marriage to work, but I can't live like this. Maybe if I have sex with someone else once and get it out of my system I will be ok? :scratchhead: This is so frustrating.


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## devotion (Oct 8, 2012)

I'm not sure if I'd say its too much of a troll thread or not. For all the hypersexuality we see out there, actual communication about sex and sex issues in a constructive fashion seems to be very lacking. 

Its ok to want a healthy sex life -- and generally speaking one side will always want it more than the other (it seems people think its generally the man, but there's plenty of women that want it more than their partner). The key is to communicate so both needs are met. If its too great a divide then divorce may eventually be necessary but cheating should never be an option. Just my two cents. And yes, counseling (regular counseling and then sex therapists) may be necessary, or just end it and move on.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

GreenRain said:


> To clarify some things:
> 
> I have never had an orgasm with my husband. I do take care of myself, but I am assuming it should feel way more amazing when you do the "real" thing??? Maybe it doesn't? I don't know. Maybe I am not able to have a vaginal orgasm ever? I wouldn't know! I know I can have a clitoral one since I do it every day. My husband doesn't like giving oral. He likes receiving when he is in the mood. I have to wait for him to be in the mood. I am so tired of being rejected by him. I can never reject him because I feel privileged that he is even wanting to have sex so I wont miss my chance.


Please clear something up. Does your husband give you an orgasm at all? Perhaps manually or orally?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

This is simple (although sad). He is a selfish entitled lover (if you can call him that). You need to explain one last time that you cannot have a marriage without a satisfying sex life. From what I understand he has never given you any kind of orgasm (assisted or unassisted) and that you take care of yourself.

This is not a sex life. He needs to learn that this is not acceptable and very serious. Tell him that he has one month in which to change and you would like to see first efforts today. If he cannot, then initiate divorce - don't think twice.

However, do not cheat! That will just lower your standards and the result will not be as amazing as it could be. Wait until you are separated and divorced.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

*4 years married. Should I cheat?*

Yes, cheat. That's an excellent idea.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

GreenRain said:


> To clarify some things:
> 
> I have never had an orgasm with my husband. I do take care of myself, but I am assuming it should feel way more amazing when you do the "real" thing??? Maybe it doesn't? I don't know. Maybe I am not able to have a vaginal orgasm ever? I wouldn't know! I know I can have a clitoral one since I do it every day. My husband doesn't like giving oral. He likes receiving when he is in the mood. I have to wait for him to be in the mood. I am so tired of being rejected by him. I can never reject him because I feel privileged that he is even wanting to have sex so I wont miss my chance.


It sounds like your husband does nothing at all during sex to give you any kind of pleasure and has never done anything to give you an orgasm.
Your husband does not like giving oral sex to you but he likes to receive it… that tells me that he’s selfish and self-centered.
Does he have a hand, even one hand? Why doesn’t he use his hands to give you organisms? What’s his excuse for that?

You may never have an orgasm from intercourse alone. However you can have when during intercourse if you self-stimulate manually during intercourse. There are even small vibrators that are sold to do this with. But if your entire sexual encounter with your husband lasts 2-4 minutes, even this will never happen. Love making for half hour to an hour is about normal.. sometimes for hours… it’s not all intercourse. There is a whole lot more to love making than just intercourse.




GreenRain said:


> It is very hurtful. Usually when I offer to "please him" it is at moments where we are both calm either watching TV or talking and having a good time. He will snap. It doesn't happen all the time of course, but the times that it has happened it is very hurtful. No I don't rape my husband (like someone here suggested). WOW.


Was your husband sexually molested/assaulted as a child?



GreenRain said:


> My problem is that I have started seriously contemplating having sex with someone else. I am Mediterranean and pretty exotic looking and even though I don't exactly consider myself to be a model, I do get a lot of attention from men. I do take care of myself. That combined with my desire to have satisfying sex and my husband not even trying to make me happy in bed is making me attracted to other men. And the men I am finding myself attracted to are usually army guys with tattoos (bad boy look) which is the opposite of what has usually been my type (tall, nerdy, nice guy kind of look).


Of course your husband’s lack of desire to give you sexual pleasure is making you take interest in other men. That’s called falling out of love. You are losing your love for your husband 



GreenRain said:


> I really want my marriage to work, but I can't live like this. Maybe if I have sex with someone else once and get it out of my system I will be ok? :scratchhead: This is so frustrating.


Having sex with someone else once will not get anything out of your system. Generally one night stands are not good sex. It takes a good, strong committed relationship with a man who loves you and has a good attitude about sex to have good sex.

If you want your marriage to work, you need to do that has been suggested here with a serious talk with your husband and then MC/sex therapy. Your husband has some kind of hang-up about sex, whether he’s desensitized due to years of porn and masturbation, or he has low T and other health problems, or if he had some sexual experience that traumatized him, or if he is just a selfish cad when it comes to sex…. He has issues that have to be addressed and taken care of.

It is actually unfair of you to not have a very serious, blunt talk with him about this issue. It’s your job as his wife for you to be open with him about your needs and for you to tell him clearly how he can meet your needs. If you don’t do this, you are as uncaring and selfish as he is with his approach to sex. (I’m not calling it love making because there is no love in your sex life.)

Plus, once you do have good sex, you will not be able to go back to the terrible sex your husband is giving out in small, frustrating measure.

If your talk with him does not motivate him to work on your sex life with a MC/sex-therapist than just leave him or accept what little he selfishly offers you. Do not cheat.

No one here is going to agree that you ought to just go out and ***** around for a while to experience some hot sex and get off. It’s wrong. It makes you more selfish and cruel than your husband. Plus it’s not going to satisfy you. You will not be able to then just go back to 2-4 minutes quick bang jobs.

You have received a lot of good input here. what are you going to do now?


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening GreenRain
If sounds like you are in a classic HD/LD (high desire / low desire) relationship. Have you read the threads on these here?

This situation rarely gets any better.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

> 4 years married. Should I cheat?


Did you really just ask that question? Was that really a serious question, or designed for reactions?

Do you think anyone here that is worth 2 squirts of p!ss is going to honestly tell you ......yes ????


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

I know I'm a man, and maybe women are different, but I can't imagine being high drive if I can't get stimulated enough to have an orgasm.

So unless some women can shed some light on that, something is fishy.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

vellocet said:


> I know I'm a man, and maybe women are different, but I can't imagine being high drive if I can't get stimulated enough to have an orgasm.
> 
> So unless some women can shed some light on that, something is fishy.


I think you did not understand her OP.

She said that since their sex lasts for total of 2-4 minutes, she does not have orgasms when her husband uses her body to jack off for 2-4 minutes. He will not do anything like foreplay, oral, manual or anything to give her sexual pleasure.

Her husband would have to actually do something, pay some attention to her during sex , for her to have an orgasm with him during sex.. he's also have to spend more than 2-4 minutes on this.

She does orgasm daily by herself.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I think you did not understand her OP.
> 
> She said that since their sex lasts for total of 2-4 minutes, she does not have orgasms when her husband uses her body to jack off or 2-4 minutes. He will not do anything like foreplay, oral, manual or anything to give her sexual pleasure.
> 
> ...


Ah, ok. Got it.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
It sounds like you are strongly leaning toward an extramarital affair. This is, of course, your decision however bad it may be. As Elegirl said it makes you not only as bad as your H but actually worse. If you cannot abide the situation any longer then D and move on. Then you can have as much sex as you want but again, as Elegirl said, ONS sex is usually not very good especially if you are looking for deeply satisfying love making. You will be disappointed with ONS sex. If your word and your integrity are worth so little to you then ONS away but don't expect anyone here to tolerate it, much less approve of it.

You owe it to your H to try and find out what his aversion is and see if it can be overcome. It may be a psychological mountain for him but a mole hill for you. Understanding his problem is the first step to fixing it. Or D and move on.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> It sounds like your husband does nothing at all during sex to give you any kind of pleasure and has never done anything to give you an orgasm.
> Your husband does not like giving oral sex to you but he likes to receive it… that tells me that he’s selfish and self-centered.
> Does he have a hand, even one hand? Why doesn’t he use his hands to give you organisms? What’s his excuse for that?
> 
> ...



Agree with everything you said. I'd like to add that cheating will actually make her feel worse because it will drive home everything she's not getting at home. This has to be addressed head on with her husband, and he's either willing to address it or she has to leave. If I was a betting woman I'd say that he won't address it and she'll either have to live with a selfish husband or leave. I hope she chooses the latter.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

The two of you need to see a sex therapist.

Your husband (was) a skinny, nerdy 26 year old virgin when he married you 4 years ago, you - a beautiful Mediterranean girl with a very high sex drive.

Could it be possible he is a bit intimidated in the bedroom, coupled with his inexperience he is getting intimidated?

Don't know if it was asked or answered. Why did you marry this guy?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

foolscotton3 said:


> Are you taking maoi inhibitors?
> 
> He will learn, teach him. The poor guy doesn't know better.


He will only learn if he will agree to work on things. So far it does not sound like he is willing to do this.


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## NWKindaguy (Sep 2, 2011)

Bad in bad boy is the key word. You will regret it


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

badsanta said:


> MachoMcCoy,
> 
> Imagine yourself if you would coming home from a tough day at work. your about to get fired and it is eating you alive. Then your wife comes into the room with you and sees you kinda fired up and thinks, "wow, this would be a great time to give him a blow job to help him relax!"
> 
> ...


Still not getting it.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Their 'love making' last 2 - 4 minutes. It's all for him. He is obviously not spending any time at all doing anything to help her have an orgasm.


Right...

You've never had an orgasm without a man around? I thought women masturbated. I guess I was wrong.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

GreenRain said:


> To clarify some things:
> 
> I do take care of myself, but I am assuming it should feel way more amazing when you do the "real" thing??? Maybe it doesn't? I don't know. *Maybe I am not able to have a vaginal orgasm ever?* I wouldn't know! *I know I can have a clitoral one since I do it every day.*


Clarify?

:scratchhead:

Sorry for wasting everyone's time. I'm out.


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## lovesmanis (Oct 9, 2014)

I was with a guy like the OPs. 
He lasted longer than 2-4 mins, but he was not able to get me off.
His issue was that he was not experienced sexually (even though I was his 3rd gf and the other 2 were long term ones) and every time I would bring up the subject he had a hissy fit because it hurt his ego that I was not happy. So, since he was one of those negative guys, it only made the situation worse.

Before talking to him, do some detective work. Find out what his deal is. Is he masturbating? Is he clueless about the female body? Is he possibly gay? Does he have a psychological issue, like maybe he is depressed or has anxiety? Maybe is it trauma?

Find out first what the issue is then you can figure out how to approach it without making it worse.


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## P51Geo1980 (Sep 25, 2013)

vellocet said:


> I know I'm a man, and maybe women are different, but I can't imagine being high drive if I can't get stimulated enough to have an orgasm.
> 
> So unless some women can shed some light on that, something is fishy.


In plain English: SHE'S HORNY.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## P51Geo1980 (Sep 25, 2013)

Divorce your husband. Really. He's broken and will not change. He's cheating you out of a fulfilling sex drive and has already pushed you away. He is neglectful and emotionally abusive. He doesn't see and reason why he should meet your needs.

I was in a sort of similar situation with me ex. She was neglectful and did not think sex is important. It took seven years of almost-sexless hell for me to leave but I'm so happy I did. A short time after I filed for divorce, I started dating my gf. We are compatible in every aspect and I've never had so much awesome sex in my life.

People telling you the grass isn't greener on the other side are full of hot air. To me it seems like there's no grass at all on your side. Your husband won't change. They never do. He's just as selfish as anyone having an affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## homerjay (Dec 12, 2014)

If you wish to a bastard then you're at full liberty to cheat.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

P51Geo1980 said:


> In plain English: SHE'S HORNY.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Elle already explained this situation to me, but to answer this, if I'm horny, I'm cumming.

Only way I won't cum is if I can't get stimulated enough(which doesn't happen for me), therefore I wouldn't be horny if I'm experiencing no stiumulation. Like I said, maybe women are different, I dunno.


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## prettygirlpa (Dec 17, 2014)

He could have low testosterone. And that can get better with medication. Sex is vital in a marriage and eventually you will get tired of not being taking care of and yes you will leave him.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

4 minutes? Damn.
4 minutes into it, I'm just finishing on whichever ear I happen to be near...

OP, I suggest you figure out a way to get him interested in the process. 
Start with why he is shy about sex.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

You don't want to be married anymore. Everything everyone tries to suggest here is just a waste of their time because you don't really want to know, you just want to slap down every suggestion with excuses so you can feel like you tried.

If you really wanted to stay married, you wouldn't want to sabotage the marriage. If you instead told him how bad it was and what he was driving you to thinking, then gave him a few options for working on your sex lives (e.g. sex therapist meetings), you might have a chance.

However, you aren't trying to fix it, you aren't interested in that. You are making choices that will lead to the inevitable and irreversible destruction of your marriage. Not many people ever fix a marriage after one of them has cheated. Go and check out the "Coping with Infidelity" forum if you need to see the sort of destruction it causes, however, I don't think you need to. You know exactly how it will go down.

If you want to end it this way, that's completely your choice. Why come to a marriage forum and try make out like you want to save it though?! Go cheat, make him despise you, that'll make it easier to leave him when he's throwing you out the door on your arse.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> No one here is going to agree that you ought to just go out and ***** around for a while to experience some hot sex and get off. It’s wrong. It makes you more selfish and cruel than your husband.


It's definitely a bad idea for all the reasons you mentioned but I don't think it makes her more selfish and more cruel than him.

The one who vows to be there for their partner and then dismisses their needs and desires and/or can't even make the effort to try to meet them gets to wear the "Selfish' badge ..... IMHO of course.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Don't cheat. Cheating is bad. Understand good and bad? Leaving the marriage is a better option.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## P51Geo1980 (Sep 25, 2013)

breeze said:


> You don't want to be married anymore. Everything everyone tries to suggest here is just a waste of their time because you don't really want to know, you just want to slap down every suggestion with excuses so you can feel like you tried.
> 
> If you really wanted to stay married, you wouldn't want to sabotage the marriage. If you instead told him how bad it was and what he was driving you to thinking, then gave him a few options for working on your sex lives (e.g. sex therapist meetings), you might have a chance.
> 
> ...


Correction: she doesn't want to be married to HIM. And the way she describes him, I don't blame her one bit. He's emotionally abusive and neglectful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

vellocet said:


> Elle already explained this situation to me, but to answer this, if I'm horny, I'm cumming.
> 
> Only way I won't cum is if I can't get stimulated enough(which doesn't happen for me), therefore I wouldn't be horny if I'm experiencing no stiumulation. Like I said, maybe women are different, I dunno.


Do you have to be stimulated to get horny?

Or do you sometimes just feel horny and so want to have sex?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Do you have to be stimulated to get horny?
> 
> Or do you sometimes just feel horny and so want to have sex?


Something has caused the stimulation i.e. visual, sound, smell, taste or even too tight of pants. Otherwise people would be like Chucky on Sons of Anarchy - walking around with their hands in their pants 24/7.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Does your husband have an addiction to drugs, drink large amounts of alcohol on a routine basis, or is he on meds? This can be a problem with substance abuse. Rather than cheating I suggest you have your husband go to a doctor or find a the real source of the problem.


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## blkcpl4u2c (Jan 26, 2012)

what happens if u have sex with someone else and get the same results(no orgasm)then what? get you a nice vibrator and learn how to get yourself off first......


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Don't cheat. That is not the answer. Just because your H doesn't make you O doesn't mean your potential AP will.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

chaos said:


> No matter how you cut it, cheating for sex will only bring a world of pain that will outweigh any carnal pleasure you derived from it.


THIS!!!!! Trust me. Don't do it! I hadn't had sex with my husband for six months. He didn't even sleep in the same bed with me. I had an affair. We both fell in love...he told me he wouldn't leave his wife...we ended it...it was and is still very painful. Before that I had at least a level of numbness where I could survive and go about my daily business. Now...it's just constant pain, and guilt, all mixed together. 

Please do not go this route! I can't express that enough.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

"I really want my marriage to work, but I can't live like this. Maybe if I have sex with someone else once and get it out of my system I will be ok? This is so frustrating."

You won't get it out of your system. You'll just want it more. You'll just end up more frustrated AND hurt and more confused on top of it. And maybe possibly even feel horrible about yourself.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

GreenRain said:


> Let me start by saying that I love my husband and I have a very high sex drive. I have only had sex with one man my whole life (my husband) and I have never experienced an orgasm. Sex is maybe twice a week and lasts maybe 2 minutes (4 on a good day). If he ever goes more than 3-4 minutes he starts getting soft and sais he finished "a little" even though I know he hasn't. I don't think I am attractive by any means (thanks to my husband), but I do for some reason get a lot of attention from men (usually the bad boy/charming type). I don't know if he is not good at sex or if I just don't have the ability to orgasm. He sais he is very attracted to me, but he denies me sex all the time. He wants it an average of once a week and we are both in our late 20s. I love him, but I can't stop wondering what it would be like to have sex with someone with higher sex drive that can actually help me orgasm.
> 
> Help?



Have a talk with your hubby.

Tell him you want orgasms.

Buy yourself a silver bullet vibrator or get him to buy you one. Tell him to give you oral while you use the silver bullet at the same time. 

You will have mind blowing orgasms and your hubby will love this.

I did for my wifee.....she likes.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Do you have to be stimulated to get horny?



Yes.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

GreenRain said:


> Let me start by saying that I love my husband and I have a very high sex drive. I have only had sex with one man my whole life (my husband) and I have never experienced an orgasm. Sex is maybe twice a week and lasts maybe 2 minutes (4 on a good day).


Why not? What is HE doing for YOU? He should be taking care of you first. Show him what feels good, let him experiment, but none for him until he's figured out how to give you one.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

C'mon, OP! Only 3 posts! Surely all this discussion would merit more than that from you! 

"Under the bridge downtown
Is were I drew some blood
Under the bridge downtown
I could not get enough
Under the bridge downtown
Forgot about my love
Under the bridge downtown
I gave my life away (yeah yeah)"


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Maybe she got that magic bullet people suggested and she's too *ahem* busy, to post.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> Have a talk with your hubby.
> 
> Tell him you want orgasms.
> 
> ...


Forget the bullet. Get a Hitachi Magic Wand. ZEEEEEEEE.


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

Starstarfish said:


> Maybe she got that magic bullet people suggested and she's too *ahem* busy, to post.


Maybe she went to another forum that encourages cheating.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I seriously doubt she's working on any viable solutions to her problems. The OP had one foot out the door already, looking for a way to make her husband shove her the rest of the way out so she didn't have to be the bad guy.

Don't get me wrong, I agree with other posters that the OP's husband was making zero effort himself, but I can't stand cowardice. If you're going to end it, have the balls to do it yourself rather than manoeuvring your spouse to do it. F*cking pathetic.


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

Maybe she is/was afraid that her husband might discover her posts on this forum.


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## GreenRain (Jan 15, 2014)

Hi. Thank you everyone for your input. No, I didnt cheat nor did I go to another forum that encourages cheatting. I could not live with myself. I experience guilt very strongly. Yes, I am still married to him after a 6 month separation in 2015 where I had had enough. He was diagnosed with low t. Took pills that got him in the mood more often. They also made him violent and after an episode where I felt unsafe around him I left the marriage working towards getting started on divorce. Fast forward to marriage therapy and anger management therapy for him we have been together and doing ok so far. He is a good person and I would never want to hurt or disrespect him. He is doing better in the intercourse department. Like something switched after I left. Thanks again and I am sorry I ignored all your messages for years.


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## Oldtimer (May 25, 2018)

Green Rain, good to see your post and thank you for updating. Happy to see you did not end up cheating or D and you seem to have things back on track in your M. Congratulations.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

GreenRain said:


> Hi. Thank you everyone for your input. No, I didnt cheat nor did I go to another forum that encourages cheatting. I could not live with myself. I experience guilt very strongly. Yes, I am still married to him after a 6 month separation in 2015 where I had had enough. He was diagnosed with low t. Took pills that got him in the mood more often. They also made him violent and after an episode where I felt unsafe around him I left the marriage working towards getting started on divorce. Fast forward to marriage therapy and anger management therapy for him we have been together and doing ok so far. He is a good person and I would never want to hurt or disrespect him. He is doing better in the intercourse department. Like something switched after I left. Thanks again and I am sorry I ignored all your messages for years.


Good for you with sticking it out and working on it! I hope your marriage continues to grow and bloom.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

GreenRain said:


> Let me start by saying that I love my husband and I have a very high sex drive. I have only had sex with one man my whole life (my husband) and I have never experienced an orgasm. Sex is maybe twice a week and lasts maybe 2 minutes (4 on a good day). If he ever goes more than 3-4 minutes he starts getting soft and sais he finished "a little" even though I know he hasn't. I don't think I am attractive by any means (thanks to my husband), but I do for some reason get a lot of attention from men (usually the bad boy/charming type). I don't know if he is not good at sex or if I just don't have the ability to orgasm. He sais he is very attracted to me, but he denies me sex all the time. He wants it an average of once a week and we are both in our late 20s. I love him, but I can't stop wondering what it would be like to have sex with someone with higher sex drive that can actually help me orgasm.
> 
> Help?


He is bad at sex. So what are you going to do?

If you two do not put in the work and honest communication it will never get better. Never, only worse. 

Do you masturbate? If not start, because you need to learn how to have an O. Many, many woman when they are young don't understand how to O. Talk to someone older about this. 

You could try an sex therapist. 

I guess your husband is as inexperienced as you. He knows nothing about sex, just like you. 

Do you guys have any type of foreplay at all? Do you know what that is? 

Basically, you both need to learn about sex, and you guys need to have some hard conversations about your sex life, or you two are headed down a really bad road. 

Do not cheat, trust me. If you actually love your H don't do that to him. You guys should be learning about sex together. Read some books, read on the web, whatever...

If you guys don't work on this together, your marriage will end poorly...


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

The circumstances would definitely benefit from more proactive steps.....then subsequent actions will based on a complete as possible picture.

Time for H; to have a complete physical, see if any medication legal/illegal involved, admit if too much porn/mast going on, why, and other. 

Both are way too young to normally have this issue (sorry).

OP....if you've truly never had an O then you need to experiment by yourself and have one then many more. You'll then have what does it for you, to share with H.

As far as OP statement "H punches wall if I tell him I want to give him a BJ" then H first has a real or fake anger issue (he's hiding SOMETHING)....or is a bit unstable. Both are big red flags.

Good luck....


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## Edmund (Apr 1, 2017)

@BluesPower @Ragnar Ragnasson 

Did you all see her update post #85?


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Your notcompatible sexually 

In 20 yrs you will look back and regret staying with someone who your mot compatible with.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

GreenRain said:


> He was diagnosed with low t. Took pills that got him in the mood more often. They also made him violent


Unfortunately, this is a possible outcome of taking exogenous T. I understand the ''healthcare system'' is meant to be a money making scheme and that is why your Dr. prescribed pills. There are many ways to increase T naturally without the side effects you saw, and potential serious damage to his future ability to make T himself. I would encourage you both to investigate this.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Edmund said:


> @BluesPower @Ragnar Ragnasson
> 
> Did you all see her update post #85?


Great news! Hey, all were right on the money ie physical, anger, and hope for the future!
Didn't see that she learned how to have an O, and share that process with H? 

Continued good luck!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I have a question, if you come back. Since he's your only partner, have you two done any work on helping him learn how to take care of you in bed? Meaning, have you said, we take care of MY needs first and then you get to have the intercourse?


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## Dawghoused (Mar 24, 2018)

It would be better to give divorce to your husband than cheating. Ask him freely what you want and you both should go to a doctor to improve your husband sex drive.


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