# Feeling lost



## Evets (Jan 21, 2010)

New user here. To get straight into things, I have been married for just over 8 years now. We got married 4 months after we met because we got pregnant. We were fortunate for a very long time in that we honestly loved each other so although we got married for perhaps the wrong reason, the love was there to support it.
We now have 2 kids, 8 and 5, and they are the light of our lives. We have had a few rocky patches from time to time, she suffers from a chemical inbalance that the is supposed to be taking medication for. I am a bit of a control freak and can be selfish at times as well. She goes for months and months with something bottled up inside before telling me about it, and usually when she tells me its in a raging torrent that blows my head off. I always feel like I have been hit by a fly ball from left field. I never see it coming.
In those situations I usually close down (its a defense mechanism) and offer no argument. We are grumpy for a couple of days then make up and everything is back to normal.
Or so I thought.
She recently let me know that she has been feeling trapped in this marriage and that if not for the fact that we have kids she would have been long gone. On top of that we have been having alot of issues with money. I have a job as a contractor, which doesnt pay much and has limited hours. She is unemployed. She tells me that she still loves me and thats what makes all of these issues so hard to deal with. 
I honestly dont know if she still loves me or not. I feel like she is only staying with me because of the kids.

Known issues:
She suffers from depression
She sits at home all day (has very few friends)
She does alot of chatting on facebook and there are a few guys on there that she talks to (old friends from high school)
She has no sex drive at all
She let this go for too long before saying anything to me

I am still very much in love with her and I cannot imagine the rest of my life without her and I am willing to do anything to save my marriage. But I feel like it's too late. I havent slept in days which only compounds the feelings of hopelessness.
I know that there are several things that I have contributed to her feeling this way, but I'm not a bad husband or father.
I just dont know what to do.


----------



## Alexandra (Jan 9, 2010)

Has she given you any direction at all on what it is she wants? If she feels trapped, ask her for suggestions on how you can change that for her. She seems to be calling out to you.

It's wonderful that you feel such love and that you seem very willing to work hard for your family. Good for you! 

Is there any chance she will go to a GP or therapist to diagnose and treat her depression (is she on meds currently?) How about socially, could she get hooked up with a church or social group that would support her? 

Encourage her to open up. Really listen and be available (I know that's hard for a person who shuts down emotionally, but TRY). Don't give up!


----------



## Evets (Jan 21, 2010)

So the latest discussion has confirmed my suspicions that she is suffering from a very deep depression. I think she has actually hit rock bottom. She confessed that she has a tendency to run away from her problems when she feels too overwhelmed. And I have to say that right now we are under more stress than we have ever been under in our marriage.

She will be calling a doctor today to set up an appointment for sometime this week. I am sure that there will be a prescription of medication, I just hope that we can pay for it.

I tried my best to make her understand that when people suffer from bad depressions that their judgement can sometimes suffer as well. Simple fact is that depressed people often make bad decisions. For some reason she still feels that if she was totally alone she would be happier.

I cant understand that train of thought at all, but I will do my best to give her whatever she needs to get through this.

Right now though, I am having some trouble staying positive. You know, hope for the best but prepare for the worst? I think it might be time to start working on making sure that if she leaves, I can take care of the kids and myself.


----------



## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

hang in there, after she starts her meds she might feel differently, it all takes a bit of time, be supportive and understanding at this point, 
She isn't in a position to make any huge decisions right now
I know it's tough but paitence is the key right now


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

first off, find a way to pay for the medicine. everyone has to be "normal" and rational to discuss your issues and try to resolve them. you need to quit bottling things up, tell her how you feel and why. do this in a non agressive and calm manner, but do it. i have employed this method recently (i used to shut down too) and it is liberating. I made a list to help me remember all of my issues, maybe she should do the same. at least if the issues are out on the table and they dont get resolved you have nothing left to wonder about.


----------



## Evets (Jan 21, 2010)

New update. The doctor put my wife on medication yesterday, an antidepressant called 'Pristiq'. We also have a prelimenary phone conference set up for this friday with a marriage counselor. Those are the only positive results that I can find in this situation at the moment. I am dealing with thoughts of betrayal, abandonment, and for the first time in 8 years I no longer trust my wife. After reading many of the other posts on this forum I feel more and more that my wife has either found or is seeking a replacement for me.
The trend I am also discovering is that when men ask for seperations or time away that the marriage has a high probability of being saved, but that when a woman asks for the same, it's usually too late.
Not really a good pick-me-up there.
I am being honest and up front with her with my feelings, non-confrontational, and doing everything in my power to make the adjustments that brought this issue up in the first place. But pride is starting to rear its ugly head. How far am I supposed to go for her? At what point do I cease being a confident and well adjusted man and become a p*ssy-whipped "whatever you say dear" man? Seems to be a double edged sword. She wants to leave and that hurts, so I try to make the necessary changes to make her want to stay. But from what I have read here, women are not attracted to men who always bow down to them. What am I supposed to do?
And now she tells me that she is planning a trip to visit a friend of hers at the beach. This friend who she has seen once in the last 20 years. This friend also happens to be single. Try as I might, I cannot shake the feeling that she will be unfaithful while she is down there. I told her how I felt and she rejected the notion. But how can I trust her with everything going on?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Do NOT let her go on that trip without you!

Call her parents, siblings, and friends, and tell them what is going on. Ask them to help pull her back from the brink. 

Get this guy's contact information and call him and tell him to back off or else. They will often skitter away like roaches when the light is shined on them.

Ask her to get a job. The kids are in school now. She needs something to do with her time.

And start making sure you are meeting all her needs. Ask her to fill out a couple questionnaires (Love Buster and Emotional Needs) that you can get at marriagebuilders.com, so you'll know what would make her happy in this marriage.

Above all, do NOT let her go on this trip without you! Take the kids if you have to, and show up on her doorstep, before they've had time to consummate.


----------



## Evets (Jan 21, 2010)

I was a bit unclear in the last post. Her friend that she is going to see is a woman. There is no way in hell I would agree to her going to visit some guy from her high school.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Makes no difference. If you can't go with her, find a way to stop it.


----------



## tryingtocope24 (Sep 27, 2009)

Evets: I feel your pain my wife of 24 years and best friend of 3o has told me all the same that you wife has. It has been bad since april. I would suggest you go to Depression Fallout by Anne Sheffield and read the forums it will help explain things also get the book it does help. I no longer live at home because my wife go to the point of having anxiety attacks because of the depression she can no longer talk to me or see me inperson only emails or text messages. She has been on a antidepressant for a few years for pmmd and i think it may be causing more problems at this point. Don't give up but it will not be easy. Read read read


----------



## Evets (Jan 21, 2010)

And here it is. This morning I was on her computer and I came across a photo that she thought she had deleted. It was of another man's aroused package. I immediately went upstairs and woke her up and confronted her about it with the image still on her screen as proof of what I had found. So now I know for a fact that she has been having an emotional affair with an old flame from about 15 years ago.

Now I don't know what to do.


----------



## SweetiepieMI (Jan 22, 2010)

All I can say is hang in there! If shes willing to cut off all ties to this "friend" of hers to try and save her marriage, and open up to you about everything, you can still work this out. Here's the key, counseling, counseling, counseling. Here's my thought on the emotional affair....

The craziest and most destructive form of infidelity is the temporary insanity of falling in love. You do this, not when you meet somebody wonderful (wonderful people don't mess around with married people) but when you are going through a crisis in your own life. An emotional affair can be so stimulating that it's like a drug that can lift you out of your depression and enable
you to feel things again. 

Of course, between moments of ecstasy, you are more depressed, increasingly alone and alienated in your life, and increasingly hooked on the affair partner. 

So she needs to keep taking the meds for SURE, and GIVE THEM TIME! Usually they take about 6 weeks to start visibly working. Until then she needs to STOP talking to this man, and STOP using him to try and make herself happy. I have had the same type of affair for 6 months or so in the beginning of my marriage. It didnt go to sending eachother pictures or anyting like that, but I remember I couldnt wait until i was alone so I could talk to him.,

After I realized that I was using him to self medicate, I went to my doctor and got a prescription, stoped talking to him completely, and attending counseling with my husband. It didnt talk a little time, but now we are closer than ever and I am so greatful he stuck in there and helped me through a difficult time for me.

So once again, counseling, counseling, counseling, and give the meds some time...

Sorry this is soooooo long...


----------



## Evets (Jan 21, 2010)

How can I learn to trust her again? How can I ever trust that it wont happen a second time? She may have even been lying about her "friend" at the beach. She may be planning on taking this thing to the next level. I'm just broken inside and I dont know how to fix it.


----------



## SweetiepieMI (Jan 22, 2010)

Thats where the cousiling comes in. I would definitely advise her to NOT go on this trip, expecially with everything that is going on in your marriage. Just let her know that you love her and want to work this out, and that going on a trip without first resolving the issues could very well end up ruining your marriage. And if she loves you and wants it to work, she needs to start being honest with you and be willing to go through tough times and hard questions and be open the entire time. 

Talk to her about couples counseling. I cannot stress this enough, its a safe place where you can get everything out and really start building your trust again.


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

personally, i would flip out if i knew my wife was haveing pictures of another guys junk sent to her. sorry, i couldnt deal with that.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

This is why you expose. You bring in all the other important people in her life, and ask them to help you save the marriage by talking some sense into her. She may say she doesn't care they know, but she'll be lying. Knowing that her important people are disappointed in her is the single best way to stop an affair.


----------



## Evets (Jan 21, 2010)

And here it is 4 am and I have found all the emails that she has been sending this guy. She actually had plans to move out on march 1st. She also said several times that she loved him and missed him blah blah blah. I am on the edge of kicking her out of the house. I'm hurting so bad inside I just dont know what to do. Right now I dont want counseling. I honestly dont know what I want.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

All the more reason to call up her family and say 'she is having an affair! Help me!'


----------

