# I know I’m not perfect, but is this my fault...



## WhiskeyVictor (Sep 13, 2016)

I’ve been to therapy for a few months since learning from my children that my husband had been in an ongoing affair- they were 3 and 5. I was absolutely devastated and the first thing that my husband said was that it was both of our faults and that I need to own my part. I did so much for him and left myself at the wayside to satisfy him and this is what he hit me with. And not to mention that he originally married me while married to another woman and decided to tell me after I had a baby and left the military (which of course was my security). 

Therapy has been very helpful in learning to see past his lies and manipulation. But one thing I can’t get past is he and others assertion that I am half responsible for him having an affair and our other marital issues. I was alone in trying to make it work while all alone managing everything in both of our wives. Now that he continuously parades our kids around with this trash that’s too much of a coward to talk to me, I feel so hurt that people are seriously saying to me “well what did you do to him”. 

I brought it up in counseling to really get to the bottom of it but I really can’t figure it out. Of course my husband has nothing to back his claims but says that I need to forgive myself in order to heal. He wouldn’t go to marriage counseling with me because he likes to pretend that he never lied and emotionally or financially abused me. 

Do you really believe that two people are always at fault when a marriage doesn’t work?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Yes. It takes two to make a lousy marriage dynamic.

However...

The choice to cheat falls squarely on the shoulders of the adulterer. They could have chosen any number of things to resolve the lousy dynamic besides cheating...

Marriage counseling...

Communication...

Ultimatums...

Divorce...

Instead, they chose to cheat.

Do not EVER allow someone to convince you it was your fault for their ****ty choices. 

EVER.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Your husband has a history of cheating. You don't have to take any blame for his need to cheat. I'm sure you are not the perfect wife (who among us is?) but he has a problem and you are not to blame for that. 

If he cheated on his ex-wife with you and didn't tell you he was married, I say use this affair as a reason to escape his sorry ass. He is NOT worth fighting for at all.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

WhiskeyVictor said:


> And not to mention that he originally married me while married to another woman and decided to tell me after I had a baby and left the military (which of course was my security).


Wait...........What ..... can you repeat that? I having trouble making it past that part.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

WhiskeyVictor said:


> Do you really believe that two people are always at fault when a marriage doesn’t work?


Yes, I believe that when it is marriage problems. Adultery is not a marriage problem. It is a selfish and sinful choice made unilaterally by the adulterer, and has absolutely nothing to do with his/her betrayed spouse. It's a reprehensible, wicked choice. Like @farsidejunky said, there is an entire array of honorable ways a marital partner can seek change.

But adultery is not an attempt to solve a marital problem. It is an action which simply takes for itself without regard to the partner.

It is now the overwhelmingly egregious behavior which must be resolved BEFORE any other problem can be approached. In many instances, the adultery cannot be resolved, and the marriage is permanently broken.



WhiskeyVictor said:


> He wouldn’t go to marriage counseling with me because he likes to pretend that he never lied and emotionally or financially abused me.


This is from the Cheater's Handbook, chapter 1, page 3. The cheater doesn't "own" his contribution to the downfall of his marriage. He wants to "rewrite history" so that he can "justify" cheating. Saying that you have to "forgive yourself" is a slight variant upon "blame-shifting" (Cheater's Handbook, chapter 1, page 4).


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

there is never a valid excuse for cheating while married.

this shows the weakness of his character. unfortunately, most cheaters make excuses.

it isn't how bad a marriage is, or what the excuses are or whose fault it is, cheating is for losers.

if a marriage doesn't work, or is truly so bad, the marriage needs to be repaired or failing an honest effort, dissolved before being with someone else.

not so much my opinion, but the more from the wisdom of the ages.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

WhiskeyVictor said:


> I’ve been to therapy for a few months since learning from my children that my husband had been in an ongoing affair- they were 3 and 5. I was absolutely devastated and the first thing that my husband said was that it was both of our faults and that I need to own my part. I did so much for him and left myself at the wayside to satisfy him and this is what he hit me with. And not to mention that he originally married me while married to another woman and decided to tell me after I had a baby and left the military (which of course was my security).
> 
> Therapy has been very helpful in learning to see past his lies and manipulation. But one thing I can’t get past is he and others assertion that I am half responsible for him having an affair and our other marital issues. I was alone in trying to make it work while all alone managing everything in both of our wives. Now that he continuously parades our kids around with this trash that’s too much of a coward to talk to me, I feel so hurt that people are seriously saying to me “well what did you do to him”.
> 
> ...


NO

You may have been partially at fault for the marriage having problems, BUT

HE is 100% solely responsible for HIS unilateral decision to cheat.

If he is saying you need to take some of the blame, he doesn't get it. Period.

He needs to read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From an Affair" by Linda McDonald and knock off the blame-shifting!


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

> *I feel so hurt that people are seriously saying to me “well what did you do to him”.*


The people saying this to you are clueless.

Here is my advice: completely ignore ANYONE who starts telling you about marriage being before kids, blah blah.

YES I do believe the marriage comes first. But THIS is not the time to beat that drum.

The only drum that should be playing is the drum of your husband taking responsibility.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

WhiskeyVictor said:


> I feel so hurt that people are seriously saying to me “well what did you do to him”.


Some of these people are also "blame-shifting" to avoid culpability for their own evil, wicked adulteries. Cheater's Handbook, chapter 2, page 13. It doesn't matter if you're speaking to SOMEONE ELSE'S betrayed spouse, blame-shift YOUR iniquities onto him/her......as long as you can avoid actual repentance and admission of guilt.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Imagine if he needed money so he robbed a bank and then tried to say it was your fault. That's crazy, because there's no justification for robbing a bank. Even if you were a big part of creating the financial difficulties, that does not justify the action of robbing a bank. There are appropriate ways to deal with financial difficulties, and robbing a bank is not one of them.

So for the affair, while it might be true that there were issues in your marriage which you both contributed to, that doesn't mean you caused him to have an affair. If he was unhappy, he should have discussed it with you, gone to counseling, read relationship books, etc.

As for your current situation of trying to figure out what to do, his attitude is not a good sign. He is not taking responsibility for engaging in the affair, which was totally his choice. That likely means that in the future he will put the obligation on you to keep him faithful. If he cheats again, he will say it was because you weren't doing enough to make him happy and satisfied. You need to seriously think about your future because this likely won't be the last time. Only stay with him if you are prepared to deal with this situation over and over.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

wilson said:


> Imagine if he needed money so he robbed a bank and then tried to say it was your fault. That's crazy, because there's no justification for robbing a bank. Even if you were a big part of creating the financial difficulties, that does not justify the action of robbing a bank. There are appropriate ways to deal with financial difficulties, and robbing a bank is not one of them.
> 
> So for the affair, while it might be true that there were issues in your marriage which you both contributed to, that doesn't mean you caused him to have an affair. If he was unhappy, he should have discussed it with you, gone to counseling, read relationship books, etc.
> 
> As for your current situation of trying to figure out what to do, his attitude is not a good sign. He is not taking responsibility for engaging in the affair, which was totally his choice. That likely means that in the future he will put the obligation on you to keep him faithful. If he cheats again, he will say it was because you weren't doing enough to make him happy and satisfied. You need to seriously think about your future because this likely won't be the last time. Only stay with him if you are prepared to deal with this situation over and over.


I'm stealing this


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## WhiskeyVictor (Sep 13, 2016)

wilson said:


> Imagine if he needed money so he robbed a bank and then tried to say it was your fault. That's crazy, because there's no justification for robbing a bank. Even if you were a big part of creating the financial difficulties, that does not justify the action of robbing a bank. There are appropriate ways to deal with financial difficulties, and robbing a bank is not one of them.
> 
> So for the affair, while it might be true that there were issues in your marriage which you both contributed to, that doesn't mean you caused him to have an affair. If he was unhappy, he should have discussed it with you, gone to counseling, read relationship books, etc.
> 
> As for your current situation of trying to figure out what to do, his attitude is not a good sign. He is not taking responsibility for engaging in the affair, which was totally his choice. That likely means that in the future he will put the obligation on you to keep him faithful. If he cheats again, he will say it was because you weren't doing enough to make him happy and satisfied. You need to seriously think about your future because this likely won't be the last time. Only stay with him if you are prepared to deal with this situation over and over.


I doubt that I’ll have to relive it. He’s already introduced her to his family so that’s that. I wasn’t going to stay anyway but the more I learn, the more disgusted I am.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

WhiskeyVictor said:


> I doubt that I’ll have to relive it. He’s already introduced her to his family so that’s that. I wasn’t going to stay anyway but the more I learn, the more disgusted I am.


So in a few years you can look forward to her joining this site and asking how she can win him back from the woman he's cheating on her with and on and on and on it will go. Get out now and be happy with the rest of your life!!!!!


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## JBTX (May 4, 2017)

WhiskeyVictor said:


> I doubt that I’ll have to relive it. He’s already introduced her to his family so that’s that. I wasn’t going to stay anyway but the more I learn, the more disgusted I am.




WELP! That’s for sure enough!

Glad you were done before that!

If his daddy didn’t curb stomp him for showing up with a new girl like... well then you know where he got moral compass from.


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## WhiskeyVictor (Sep 13, 2016)

JBTX said:


> WELP! That’s for sure enough!
> 
> Glad you were done before that!
> 
> ...


That’s where I’m baffled, too. They actually accepted it knowing what a shock it was to me, especially since I learned of it from our kids. They’re a mess anyway


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## JBTX (May 4, 2017)

WhiskeyVictor said:


> That’s where I’m baffled, too. They actually accepted it knowing what a shock it was to me, especially since I learned of it from our kids. They’re a mess anyway




Him putting on a dog and pony show with his family, the new girlfriend and including the children is only going to drive the children closer to you. I feel bad from him, because he has no idea the wedge he’s driving between him and the kids. Seize the opportunity to become closer with your children and avoid making the same mistake he is. Kids like stability and gravitate towards it. So stand still for them. Only move you should make is divorcing him and getting everything in order to raise your kids. No talky-talky with him about it. Just file.

Wait Are you divorcing him(can’t remember)? Please do. Do it before you meet someone new and owe this new person a divorce that should have happened long before you met. 


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

One good thing about your kids being 3 and 5 is that they still have a lot of development to do. When they're older, they may have little or no memories of the time you were together. What they think of you and him will be almost entirely influenced by what goes on from here on out. If you continue to show them endless love and make a secure home for them, that's what they will remember. Certainly the kids will be upset in the moment, but they are at the ages where it will pass without too many long-lasting consequences. It's much better now than when they're 12 and 14 or something like that.


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## JBTX (May 4, 2017)

wilson said:


> One good thing about your kids being 3 and 5 is that they still have a lot of development to do. When they're older, they may have little or no memories of the time you were together. What they think of you and him will be almost entirely influenced by what goes on from here on out. If you continue to show them endless love and make a secure home for them, that's what they will remember. Certainly the kids will be upset in the moment, but they are at the ages where it will pass without too many long-lasting consequences. It's much better now than when they're 12 and 14 or something like that.




This is so true. My girls were 12 and 7 at the time. Mom ran off with other guy and promptly moved 9 hours away as soon as her new bf kicked his wife to the curb. 14 and 9 now.

Oldest is resentful of her mom and youngest is sad & confused. 

Kids stayed here with me. I made sure of that when I divorced her. So lock those kids into your life. You haven’t the imagination to dream up what a cheater will do. 


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Girl, divorce his cheating ass and take him for all he is worth! 

NO, YOU are NOT responsible for him being a cheating piece of crap! He gets to own that allll by himself. No matter what problems you had between you throughout the marriage, he does NOT get a pass to cheat! He should have ended things if they were that bad. DO NOT let him put this on you! And if your therapist agrees with him, then you find another therapist ASAP. 

Avoid contact with him as much as possible. Stay out of the same airspace, dont talk on the phone. Only text and email, once the divorce is done. Until then, everything should go through your attorney. 

Stop the guilt and get PISSED!!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

WV,

Your WH is a lying manipulative POS and whomever is telling you that his A is your fault are either his friends/family (who have to say that) or stupid people who know nothing.
Do not for one minute take on this on your shoulders. Get rid of the dog.
Go see a lawyer
tell all family and friends about his lying about his previous marriage (isnt that illegal)
blow up his world and kick him out but not before he has to pay you child support/alimony etc.
Please remember that a life with him will be one of roller coaster emotions and intense pain. Get out now.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Sometimes it only takes one to make a lousy marriage dynamic. This guy has no business being married.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

WhiskeyVictor said:


> I’ve been to therapy for a few months since learning from my children that my husband had been in an ongoing affair- they were 3 and 5. I was absolutely devastated and the first thing that my husband said was that it was both of our faults and that I need to own my part. I did so much for him and left myself at the wayside to satisfy him and this is what he hit me with. And not to mention that he originally married me while married to another woman and decided to tell me after I had a baby and left the military (which of course was my security).
> 
> Therapy has been very helpful in learning to see past his lies and manipulation. But one thing I can’t get past is he and others assertion that I am half responsible for him having an affair and our other marital issues. I was alone in trying to make it work while all alone managing everything in both of our wives. Now that he continuously parades our kids around with this trash that’s too much of a coward to talk to me, I feel so hurt that people are seriously saying to me “well what did you do to him”.
> 
> ...


Nope.

In general, it takes two people to make a really good, successful marriage.

*But all it takes to mess up a marriage is one person to seriously **** the whole thing up.*

And that's your husband.


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## WhiskeyVictor (Sep 13, 2016)

X


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## WhiskeyVictor (Sep 13, 2016)

Mr.Married said:


> Wait...........What ..... can you repeat that? I having trouble making it past that part.


I’m sorry it took so long. We dated, got “married” (an entire ceremony and reception), and had a baby and I left the military when she was around three months. He told me that he was married to another woman less than a week after I got out of the military, when the military was all of the security that I had as mother with a young child.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Have you filed for divorce?


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## WhiskeyVictor (Sep 13, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> Have you filed for divorce?


I let him file but he did from the district where she lives (he moved in with her) so my lawyer is arranging the change of venue. It’s going to be contested because he drafted a separation agreement with zero input from me and said that I had to agree or fight him in court. The agreement basically stated that I waived the rights to everything


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Good for you for not rolling over in regards to the lack of agreement! Dont let him bully you.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Please get yourself a shark. Also, have your lawyer look into the possibility of getting him prosecuted for marrying YOU while he was still married -- that's illegal in most states.
Stop listening to his BS, get YOUR stuff lined up and organized, and don't wait for him to do things -- YOU need to take the lead and be proactive in this for YOUR life, not his. Don't let him drive.


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## WhiskeyVictor (Sep 13, 2016)

jlg07 said:


> Please get yourself a shark. Also, have your lawyer look into the possibility of getting him prosecuted for marrying YOU while he was still married -- that's illegal in most states.
> Stop listening to his BS, get YOUR stuff lined up and organized, and don't wait for him to do things -- YOU need to take the lead and be proactive in this for YOUR life, not his. Don't let him drive.


Thank you, I am definitely looking out for myself and the kids now. I only let him file so that he would have to pay for it and he complained about that. I don’t know why, he really has more money than me now since he’s splitting the bills with her. He should’ve asked her to chip in 🤷🏾*♀


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The problem with letting him file is the possibility of you having to contest it since he controlled what went in the petition/complaint. A contested divorce has the potential to be expensive. Of course, he probably would have contested it if you had filed. Some divorces are easy and some aren't. Hopefully, yours will move along quickly.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

WhiskeyVictor said:


> I’ve been to therapy for a few months since learning from my children that my husband had been in an ongoing affair- they were 3 and 5. I was absolutely devastated and the first thing that my husband said was that it was both of our faults and that I need to own my part. I did so much for him and left myself at the wayside to satisfy him and this is what he hit me with. And not to mention that he originally married me while married to another woman and decided to tell me after I had a baby and left the military (which of course was my security).
> 
> Therapy has been very helpful in learning to see past his lies and manipulation. But one thing I can’t get past is he and others assertion that I am half responsible for him having an affair and our other marital issues. I was alone in trying to make it work while all alone managing everything in both of our wives. Now that he continuously parades our kids around with this trash that’s too much of a coward to talk to me, I feel so hurt that people are seriously saying to me “well what did you do to him”.
> 
> ...


It takes two to make a marriage work, but only one to wreck it. And that's all down to him.

Oops!
It appears I already said that!


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

WhiskeyVictor said:


> Now that he continuously parades our kids around with this trash that’s too much of a coward to talk to me, I feel so hurt that people are seriously saying to me *“well what did you do to him”. *


 If anyone is still saying this to you just say:
"I told him I didn't like his girlfriend, that's all."


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

WhiskeyVictor said:


> I’ve been to therapy for a few months since learning from my children that my husband had been in an ongoing affair- they were 3 and 5. I was absolutely devastated and* the first thing that my husband said was that it was both of our faults and that I need to own my part. *I did so much for him and left myself at the wayside to satisfy him and this is what he hit me with. And not to mention that he originally married me while married to another woman and decided to tell me after I had a baby and left the military (which of course was my security).
> 
> Therapy has been very helpful in learning to see past his lies and manipulation. But one thing I can’t get past is he and others assertion that I am half responsible for him having an affair and our other marital issues. I was alone in trying to make it work while all alone managing everything in both of our wives. Now that he continuously parades our kids around with this trash that’s too much of a coward to talk to me, I feel so hurt that people are seriously saying to me “well what did you do to him”.
> 
> ...


No, not in an equal sense. You are at fault to yourself for staying and having children with a man who lied to you and married you when he was still married to someone else. Hello?! I have to think there must have been many red flags with a guy like that, but something inside you drew you to him so in that regard you are responsible for the situation you find yourself in and therapy might be very helpful in figuring out why your felt you deserved someone like him.

But no, I don't believe both parties are always responsible. Sometimes a spouse has an affair because their partner is ignoring them, mistreating them, they are SAYING they are very unhappy in the relationship and their needs are not getting met but the partner ignores their concerns, is a drunk, abusive, etc. In those cases, yeah, the partner should own their part in it.

But sometimes a person has an affair because they want to and they can and they are selfish, narcissistic, sociopath, whatever. In that case the "part" the other spouse needs to own is why did they not see this coming? Why did they accept such a relationship? How do they get better and stonger to never be vulnerable like that again?

YOUR spouse sounds like a damned psychopath. He has you give up your career (security) and be with a child before dropping a bombshell like "I'm already married" on you. HE SET YOU UP to be in a position of weakness. Now he tells you that YOU need to forgive YOURSELF in order to heal? WTF? LOL. That's beyond ridiculous. YEAH you need to forgive yourself for letting him use and abuse you so badly and for having children with such a creep and sticking around another second.

*QUESTION: What does he say you did wrong that led him to lie and cheat anyhow?*


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

3xnocharm said:


> stop the guilt and get pissed!!


exactly.


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

There are a lot of idiots in this world. People who quickly defend someone such as your husband are among them. It really is that simple sometimes.


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## custommultirotor (Feb 13, 2018)

I have been in both boats here. Years ago i cheated on the girl i was martied too. When the smoke cleared i had lost everything, but above that, i hated myself. It took me years to forgive myself. I paid for it though. The next 3 relationships i found myself in all cheated on me. The first two botheted me but didnt do a ton of damage, but this last one ripped my soul from me. I mean it tore me apart inside. I got mad at her at first, but then one day i just looked up and said ok God, i get it. Im so sorry i ever made someone hurt like this. All this said to simply point out that he will one day pay for hos actions in full. You can bank on that. He may be smiling now, and he may not pay for it in your time, but he WILL answer for his actions. Same as my ex now. She will answer to it. This was by no means your fault. Sure you had faults somewhere in the marriage, we all do. However, the choice was laid oit in front of him and HE decided to cross that line. Not you. Put him in the rear view mirror and never looked back. You owe that to yourself. Take the lessons you have learned from all this and apply them to your next relationship so you wont make them then. Here if you need a friend and will be praying for you. 

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## WhiskeyVictor (Sep 13, 2016)

WorkingWife said:


> No, not in an equal sense. You are at fault to yourself for staying and having children with a man who lied to you and married you when he was still married to someone else. Hello?! I have to think there must have been many red flags with a guy like that, but something inside you drew you to him so in that regard you are responsible for the situation you find yourself in and therapy might be very helpful in figuring out why your felt you deserved someone like him.
> 
> But no, I don't believe both parties are always responsible. Sometimes a spouse has an affair because their partner is ignoring them, mistreating them, they are SAYING they are very unhappy in the relationship and their needs are not getting met but the partner ignores their concerns, is a drunk, abusive, etc. In those cases, yeah, the partner should own their part in it.
> 
> ...


He says that I’m an unable to to feel shame for anything that I’ve ever done and he has never heard me apologize for anything besides bumping someone unintentionally. I asked for examples but got nothing but crickets so I sat back to think and think and truthfully can’t come up with anything. I asked why he never said anything and he said that I’m so righteous and narrow minded that he knew that I wouldn’t do anything to change. 

And I have definitely been to therapy, and believe me it’s helped A LOT! I wish I’d gone sooner because I would have been gone long before.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

WhiskeyVictor said:


> He says that I’m an unable to to feel shame for anything that I’ve ever done and he has never heard me apologize for anything besides bumping someone unintentionally. I asked for examples but got nothing but crickets so I sat back to think and think and truthfully can’t come up with anything. I asked why he never said anything and he said that I’m so righteous and narrow minded that he knew that I wouldn’t do anything to change.
> 
> And I have definitely been to therapy, and believe me it’s helped A LOT! I wish I’d gone sooner because I would have been gone long before.


The translation of this to me is:

I am a crappy cheater, and the fact that you aren't makes me feel guilty, so that means you are self-righteous, you moral meanie!


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## hptessla (Jun 4, 2019)

WhiskeyVictor said:


> That’s where I’m baffled, too. They actually accepted it knowing what a shock it was to me, especially since I learned of it from our kids. They’re a mess anyway


My mother used to say that some people are accepting of their children no matter what - because of their fear of losing their children's love. She would add that if your children only want you when you accept them, that's not love anyway.
I tend to agree with that. There are many parents who will support their children regardless of their behavior, even when they know it to be deeply wrong, simply out of fear of that child's rejection.

I do have a question...if he married you while he was married isn't that bigamy and isn't that illegal?


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

WhiskeyVictor said:


> He says that I’m an unable to to feel shame for anything that I’ve ever done and he has never heard me apologize for anything besides bumping someone unintentionally. I asked for examples but got nothing but crickets so I sat back to think and think and truthfully can’t come up with anything. I asked why he never said anything and he said that I’m so righteous and narrow minded that he knew that I wouldn’t do anything to change.
> 
> And I have definitely been to therapy, and believe me it’s helped A LOT! I wish I’d gone sooner because I would have been gone long before.


Wow that sounds like a big ole pile of BS. YOU have no shame? LOL. You're not the one married to two people at once... Sounds like he's gaslighting you -- trying to make you doubt yourself to distract you from his bad behavior. Sounds like rubbish to me.


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## stefanjames (Jul 15, 2019)

If he cheated on his past relationship and didn't tell you that he was already married, I say use this affair as a reason to escape this guy. He is NOT worth keeping and fighting for at all.
There are a lot of idiots in this world. People who defend someone such as your husband are among them. It really is that SIMPLE .
I suggest that you have to just take the lessons you have learned from all this and apply them to your next relationship so you wont make them then. For me, next time youre in a relationship, to keep a guy by your side and not do to cheat on you ,you have to know what is really His Secret Obsession like you have to act as a spy or investogator to do this work,in this way itvhas a tendency that your NEW relationship will work.


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