# Opinions Please.



## inspiration (Sep 27, 2015)

My husband and I lost our house due to foreclosure in April. As the foreclosure kept getting closer, we kept fighting more and more. Mainly about money. I would always say why don't you divorce me and stuff, because he always said he was miserable with me. I know I shouldn't have said that but I did. We also used to fight a lot about how much he went hunting which I also regret now. I should have been glad he had a good hobby. Once the foreclosure was final he decided he didn't want to be with me and We have been separated ever since. He moved out and lives in an empty house his mother owned and My daughter and I moved out and have been staying with my parents the past 5 months. After the separation first happened, I tried and tried to talk to him but he would hardly say anything. I eventually gave up and I only text him when I'm thinking about something, and I will ask what his plans for us are, and he completely ignores my question. He will change the subject. He will never tell me yes he wants a divorce, or no I don't want one. There is no communication. The only time we communicate is every other weekend when he gets our daughter. And it is nothing but hey can you meet me here or something like that. It has been 5 months. I feel like I never got any closure because he would not talk to me. I want to reconcile, but it seems like he doesn't want to. He doesn't even try to talk to me. We have never had any problems with cheating in our marriage either. So we have been separated for 5 months, seems like my husband doesn't want to get back together, there is no communication hardly, and nobody had filed for legal separation or divorce. I want my family back. What is your opinion?

ok some background info is a couple post down also.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

inspiration said:


> My husband and I lost our house due to foreclosure in April. As the foreclosure kept getting closer, we kept fighting more and more. Mainly about money. I would always say why don't you divorce me and stuff, because he always said he was miserable with me. I know I shouldn't have said that but I did. We also used to fight a lot about how much he went hunting which I also regret now. I should have been glad he had a good hobby. Once the foreclosure was final he decided he didn't want to be with me and We have been separated ever since. He moved out and lives in an empty house his mother owned and My daughter and I moved out and have been staying with my parents the past 5 months. After the separation first happened, I tried and tried to talk to him but he would hardly say anything. I eventually gave up and I only text him when I'm thinking about something, and I will ask what his plans for us are, and he completely ignores my question. He will change the subject. He will never tell me yes he wants a divorce, or no I don't want one. There is no communication. The only time we communicate is every other weekend when he gets our daughter. And it is nothing but hey can you meet me here or something like that. It has been 5 months. I feel like I never got any closure because he would not talk to me. I want to reconcile, but it seems like he doesn't want to. He doesn't even try to talk to me. We have never had any problems with cheating in our marriage either. So we have been separated for 5 months, seems like my husband doesn't want to get back together, there is no communication hardly, and nobody had filed for legal separation or divorce. I want my family back. What is your opinion?


We are going to need some more background to advise you.

Information like:

How long have you been married?
What was it like when you first got married?
How old is your daughter?
What other problems did you have in your marriage?
Have you tried marital counseling in the past?
What would you (not he) do differently if you did get back together?
How was your sex life until the fighting about money started?

Without such information, it's pretty hard to tell if there is any hope that you can get your family back.


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## inspiration (Sep 27, 2015)

technovelist said:


> We are going to need some more background to advise you.
> 
> Information like:
> 
> ...



Ok we have been Married 3 years, Been together 5 years
When we first got married it was wonderful. We have always been very in love and everyone knew it.
Our daughter is 3.
Other problems in our marriage, in the past he did have a drug addiction, but he has got over it and he always blamed me for it. He said he was so miserable I drove him to do it.
I have been very depressed and insecure probably our entire marriage because of my huge weight gain. When I met him I was 140. When we separated I was 220.
If we did get back together, I would just not take him for granted. I would learn to love his hobby of hunting because I know that is his life, and I won't be so selfish.
Our sex life has always been pretty good but of course the last year it got worse. Probably only once a week average there at the end.

We also are still married on Facebook for the world to see. Hardly anyone knows that we are separated but family.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

Okay, so you gained weight and your self-esteem sounds shot to hell, and you're insecure about his hobbies. You probably needed support and reassurance when the foreclosure thing came up, and as so often happens, instead of two people moving together, the stress of the crisis tended to result in arguments and pulling apart. 

Others more seasoned and wise than me will come along and give you great advice. All I will tell you is, if you are separated, give him some space and breathing room and take some for yourself, and STOP asking him where he sees the relationship going. You need reassurance that your marriage will survive but by demanding it, you're putting a lot of pressure on him, pressure that might be counterproductive. Use this time out from under the stress of your finances and the events of the foreclosure to center yourself and get some equilibrium and stability, insofar as you can. I know that you're probably upset that you told him if he was miserable to get a divorce, but he doesn't seem to be moving in that direction, not ready to talk about the relationship, so I would table that kind of talk. Conrad said once that rarely do relationships collapse over one mistake. You guys have dealt with a lot, his addiction, foreclosure, a new child . . . don't spend time fixated on what you've said in the heat of the moment, especially if he's not being straightforward about what he may have decided. When he's decided, you'll likely know or be able to figure it out. 

I am concerned that you said he blamed you for the drug addiction. Blameshifting is a way of avoiding personal responsibility, as the wise souls here will tell you. 

I can imagine that as a provider, your husband is struggling with the foreclosure and the living situation, and may feel like a failure. I have friends who survived a foreclosure and landed jobs and a nice place to live eventually, and they got through it, but they did go through a separation for a period of time. They survived everything because they were each others' best friends and had family support. You said you are living with your parents. Sounds like they are providing tangible support and I hope they are also providing you moral and emotional support. 

Realize that you're dealing with lots of issues and try to avoid assuming that putting your marriage back together will be the solution to ALL of them. 

A very wise counselor told me once that when an elephant rolls over on you, you start shifting its weight one toenail at a time.


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## inspiration (Sep 27, 2015)

Thanks Teddie, Great advice.

Anyone else?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

First of all the drug issue was your fault? Did you hold him down and make him take them? No, that's on him he needs to own his own issues.

You're at 220? Look, your life is what you make it. Change your lifestyle around diet and exercise.
This is on you. Tone up he probably isn't attracted to you now. You can't fix him but you can fix yourself. But it needs to be permanent. No crazy diets. Change your life!

At some point if he doesn't come around divorce him and move on.


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

If he is showing no signs of wanting to reconcile, get counseling or even communicate, you need to move your focus from him, to yourself snd your child.

You are not accomplishing anything by sitting around for five months, hoping he will "explain" and/or change his mind. Also, you do not need to unconditionally accept any hobbies he has...hunting is something most people feel strongly about one way or the other, especially if done for fun as a hobby. If you have an opinion, you should not change it please him. It is one step toward becoming a door mat.

Try to pin him down and ask flat out if he wants a divorce or if he will do counseling. And get to work in yourself. Gaining almost 100 pounds must be bad for your health, not to mention your emotions, confidence, etc.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

Marc878 said:


> First of all the drug issue was your fault? Did you hold him down and make him take them? No, that's on him he needs to own his own issues.
> 
> You're at 220? Look, your life is what you make it. Change your lifestyle around diet and exercise.
> This is on you. Tone up he probably isn't attracted to you now. You can't fix him but you can fix yourself. But it needs to be permanent. No crazy diets. Change your life!
> ...


Stress will pile on the weight. My h has filed for divorce and I expect to lose 40 pounds just from one, having no appetite because of sadness, and two, not having him around to stress me out. 

Seriously, though, use this time apart from him to get healthy overall and focus on your wellbeing and that of your child.


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## inspiration (Sep 27, 2015)

Thanks guys. I wish I had answers. He has my daughter and I go meet him to pick her up tonight. Everytime I meet him I always want to try to talk to him but I get too scared. Its so weird and doesn't feel real because we used to be so close. I feel like this all happened over night but I know it didn't.

I know gaining weight is horrible and I always asked him in the beginning if that was why he was leaving. He always said that had nothing to do with it but come on, I was a very pretty girl when he met me and now you would never know it. I have lost 10lbs since our separation but I feel like I should have at least lost 30-40 in 5 months. I am just going to try to stop focusing on him and worry about my health.

Maybe he will come around, but its hard to have any hope when there is no communication.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

While I do agree people need hobbies, was he buying hunting equipment/taking time off from work to go hunting while you faced the potential of foreclosure, because yeah ... I'd have an issue with that too. If his mother had this empty house available (you say owned, does that mean she's passed? Did he inherit this house?) why wasn't that in the cards sooner? 

If this was a male OP talking about a wife, it would have already come up, so I'll be the person who asks it ... what's the possibility he's met someone at work or on this hunting trips? Living alone and only seeing his child every other weekend sure clears up a lot of time and freedom for him, as does not paying rent/a mortgage (is he paying child support?)


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## inspiration (Sep 27, 2015)

Starstarfish said:


> While I do agree people need hobbies, was he buying hunting equipment/taking time off from work to go hunting while you faced the potential of foreclosure, because yeah ... I'd have an issue with that too. If his mother had this empty house available (you say owned, does that mean she's passed? Did he inherit this house?) why wasn't that in the cards sooner?
> 
> If this was a male OP talking about a wife, it would have already come up, so I'll be the person who asks it ... what's the possibility he's met someone at work or on this hunting trips? Living alone and only seeing his child every other weekend sure clears up a lot of time and freedom for him, as does not paying rent/a mortgage (is he paying child support?)



Yes, he was spending money on dogs and hunting stuff, and no I don't think he has met anyone at work or hunting. I'm very sure he didn't meet anyone before we separated. I feel like he was just embarrased that our house foreclosed. 

But I also know, being separated for 5 months he very well could have met someone considering we don't talk. Also, yes he pays me 100 a week, and yes he has a lot of free time but i can guarantee that he uses 90% of his free time hunting. He bear hunts and trains dogs so he will stay out in the woods all night. He is OBSESSED with it. He is one of the best big game hunters in the state.


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