# Looking for Advice



## northernlights19 (Jan 10, 2018)

I got married int he spring of 2016, we were both happy, and then we started to settle into life. That’s when things started to go downhill. I started to have a hard time with the way things were and the routine we were in so we started to become more distant. The romantic side of our relationship took a turn for the worst. 
We were arguing more, but still working through it.... fast forward to the family trip in the winter of 2016. 
When we got there I was hoping that it could be a weekend that would put us on the right track, but unfortunately it did the opposite. The Friday night was probably one of the worst nights of my life. 
Getting back to the hotel - He was drunk. ‘Completely inebriated’ as he says. When we got back to the hotel room he forced himself on me. (As I said, the romantic side of our relationship was suffering). Anyways, I was in pain, I was crying, and I was yelling at him to stop ... but he didn’t. When he was done I went and cried on the bathroom floor before getting in an argument with him until I passed out. 
That night changed my life. After that happened I pulled away, I distanced myself, and tried to overcome it... but I couldn’t. I kept having nightmares and I couldn’t look at him the same. I started to work more, and started kickboxing ... I needed to be busy. 
This is something he told his parents recently, and they basically said it happens in every relationship, and I just have to get over it. It’s been a constant argument over the past year because we both have differing opinions on sex and marriage. 
Maybe I’m wrong - but it was rape. 
So there I was, in pain and just needing to keep busy and move on... so I clung to friends. I started talking to my coworkers more, started hanging out with friends more because I needed people to talk to. 
I started talking to one person at work in particular because we always got along. We became really close friends and I began to trust him. I opened up and talked to him about things which is shocking because I never talk to anyone. 
Fast forward to July.... We had another family trip to the same spot, and I was terrified to go back, but I did it and he came. That month I also got extra close with that friend, and found out in August I was pregnant. September the pregnancy was terminated and I hated myself more than I ever have. 
After that day in September, I truly hit rock bottom ... I’ve cried more than I ever have, I’ve hated myself more than I ever have .. and I began to feel suicidal. To the point where I cut my arm. 
This friend was with me every step, making sure I wasn’t doing anything bad and talking to me and carrying me through it all. 
In him I found what I’ve been missing in my marriage all along. Just someone that supports me, and cares about me the way I need it. Without cutting me down and telling me things that make me wish I wasn’t alive. However, I still stuck with him... because I love my husband. 
December 2017 we were doing the same trip, except I didn’t want him to come this winter because of last year.. we were going back to the same hotel at the same time in the year and I was scared. We got in a fight because he says that I’m overreacting, that I’m blackmailing him and that it’s not fair because he was drunk.
We decided to be civil through the holidays as to not ruin anyone’s Christmas. And we started sleeping in separate beds. Getting back from New Years, I said I still needed space and to figure it out. 
Friday, I said I wasn’t coming home and he freaked out. He went through my computer and found out what I haven’t been able to tell him yet ... the incident that happened in September. 
Needless to say, he’s not talking to me. And I hate myself. I know what I’ve done is terrible and I know I’ll never be forgiven for the things I’ve done... I just hope one day I can be happy. 
I know it’s insane and it sounds like a movie... but it’s my life. I’m not proud of things I’ve done, but I know deep down we weren’t happy... and right now I’m just trying to get through this pain and find the light at the end of the tunnel because I’ve been wanting to disappear for far too long. 
Now, the only form of communication I have with him is via email because he and his entire family have deleted me out of their lives and blocked me from contacting them. Yet I know his emails are not coming through him. We met once and things were good... but now he's refusing to see me, his emails don't sound like him and he's saying he never wants to see me again. 
I just wanted to fight for us, and work through this and save our marriage... do you think there is hope? I have been with him for 10 years now, and I love him more than anything. I don't want to lose this.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

i read all of that and i can't think of a single reason for you to try to save your marriage


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Sorry to hear about your situation as it sound horrible.

Not to make light of it but the first incident you wrote about does seem like rape and that is nothing to take lightly at all.

You may need to think and ponder on the situation that led up to that point and see where things started to go 'wrong'.

Another situation you have is the 'work friend'. There are many threads in the Coping with infidelity sub forum that indicate this is not a good situation. I totally understand why there is interest in the 'work friend' for a source of support and such, even if everything has been above board.

The September incident is of course a significant one as well.

A couple of questions that come to mind is why you love your husband? Do you feel there is something worth saving there?

If so, how does the path look at fixing things? You can only do so much on your own. Your husband will need to put in some work as well and if he minimizes the issues or does not see the same issues you do, that will make it so much harder to overcome the incidents.

Good luck.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Your husband raped you and blamed it on drunkenness. WTF? The rest of your story is irrelevant to me. How can you remain in the company of a man who would commit such a vile act?

Get gone. File a police report on the way out the door.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Only can decide if he raped you. The way you explained it sounded like spousal rape to me.


If i were you I would be out of there.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Which thread are you going to follow?

I think the facts are jumbled.

Who was the father of your baby?

Did you have an affair with this friend of yours?

Did your husband know about your pregnancy and abortion?

I suspect your affair partner is the father of your baby, and you had the abortion without ever letting your husband know you were pregnant. Now he has discovered all this.

If this is close to the truth, there really is less than any chance of salvaging anything.

Be well.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

"And that pregnancy was terminated"

I'm reminded of a book by Theodore Dalrymple.

In interviews with the police, a violent felon said, "A struggle ensued and the knife went in"

People who take responsibility for their actions don't talk this way.

They say, "I decided to have an abortion"..... or in the case Dalrymple was speaking of, "I stabbed him"


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

So are you saying that you cheated and then got pregnant and had an abortion? No wonder he doesn't want to see you.


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