# Valentines Dinner threw back at me



## Suspect (Jan 12, 2016)

As everyone knows yesterday was valentines. Husband and I have not gone out but maybe 4 times in our 32 years for this day. He made plans this year I went along not knowing where we were going. 

It is an expensive place for us. I think his doing this has a lot to do with him going out of state for 3 days and not talking with me about his plans. He has to paid for the rental car, motel, only thing left is, food you get the picture.

Out meal was $45. So today we were discussing getting out taxes done he has been pressuring me. I got an appointment told him the cost then he says I only have X amount to take with me after what your dinner cost me.

It makes me feel just took the gesture and threw it in my face. He ate too. He is going for a sporting event not work or to see family. He is so insensitive. I didn't ask to go to this place I dodnt ask for anything this was him ass kissing.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

How's the marriage? You two have a healthy sex life? Love kissing him?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Suspect said:


> As everyone knows yesterday was valentines. Husband and I have not gone out but maybe 4 times in our 32 years for this day. He made plans this year I went along not knowing where we were going.
> 
> It is an expensive place for us. I think his doing this has a lot to do with him going out of state for 3 days and not talking with me about his plans. He has to paid for the rental car, motel, only thing left is, food you get the picture.
> 
> ...


Tell you one thing - MY husband wouldn't be saying that crap to ME. He'd be getting SOMETHING thrown right back in HIS face.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

be honest is there a lot of passive aggressive behavior between you two?


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## Suspect (Jan 12, 2016)

This trip is all new nothing he has ever done before. A few years ago I would have done as the other and made a big fuss. It doesn't do any good to say anything because he never sees anything he does as insensative and if he does I am not permitted to have a feeling or emotion about it. 

I have become resentful and I am aggravated but have to keep it hidden. Surpress everything as to not upset him. We can't have a conversation without him screaming or yelling. I shut down when he does this. I


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'd like more info about your situation.

Do you have any kind of support system? Any family or friends who you can talk with?

Do you have a job or is he the only bread winner?

If you are going to stay with him you need to learn ways to let go of this stuff for your own mental health. 

Just a short response to him would be good. Something like "That's rude." and just walk away. Go do something that makes you feel good.

What are you doing for yourself?


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## Suspect (Jan 12, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> I'd like more info about your situation.
> 
> Do you have any kind of support system? Any family or friends who you can talk with? No other than the counseling I attend but far and few between
> 
> ...


 I am doing the best I can to keep from losing it. I have a son that has started to deteriorate drastically with his health and focusing on him has consumed most of my time. I still do all the requirements as a wife, he has clean clothes, clean house, meals when he gets home, don't interest with his down time when he comes home.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old is your son?

It sounds like you are overwhelmed with a lot in your life.


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## Suspect (Jan 12, 2016)

My son is 31 he was in an accident at the age of 20 that changed his life forever and outs as well.

I just spoke up. I am getting sick, husband asked last night if we would be ok with him gone for 3 days I responded will have to be. Then this morning he was bragging that he was going out of state and he told them I didn't want to go. No one asked me was my response. Even if I do I can't son can't go not able so someone has to be responsible and we have animals to be fed no one to do that. 

He started yelling he swears to God he asked me that is how he does. I told him no one asked me anything these plans were made without considering anyone but him and who is going.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

I am 65 and have seen a lot of people marry. Most times my wife and I know them and wonder why in heck are they getting married. The guy is cheating on her during the engagement, he is an immature jerk, has no skills and will be living paycheck to paycheck, is cheap, puts his needs first, etc.. Women are prone to the same thing and sometime more. My cousin keeps marrying beta men and then resents them for being beta. One of the side effects of love is making you overlook your partners faults. Too many people settle for various reasons; want steady sex, do not want to get back into the dating pool, want a baby, think they can change their spouse after the marriage, etc.. 

People rarely change their basic character and do not see their partner as other people do. Marriages like yours rarely get better because adults really do not change and if they do, it may not be in the way you want. My advice is not to waste the best years of your life on him. You can do so much better.

I love to make my wife happy. First off, it is just as easy to marry a guy with a bright future as anyone else. Money, or lack of it, is one of the leading causes of divorce, especially when one spouse resents spending it on the other. People say sex and money are not that important in marriage but they are. Very important if you want to last. The way it goes is that you either accept your husband's behavior for the rest of your life or leave him. It is your life and your decision. Do not make major life choices based on advice from strangers who cannot possibly know your specific situation. In many cases the answer is obvious though. This is one of them. Therapy and all that stuff does not change the basic nature of a person. All it does is make them play a role for a while until they revert to their true selves. What you see is what you get. Live with it or leave it. Your choice, not mine.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Suspect said:


> I have become resentful and I am aggravated but have to keep it hidden. Surpress everything as to not upset him. We can't have a conversation without him screaming or yelling. I shut down when he does this. I


Like Vinnydee said, you have to choose if this is the life you want. In my opinion, I think that a simple life with your son without the stress of living with another hot-headed jerk would be a much nicer way to enjoy the rest of your years.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Either speak up to him and refuse to accept this treatment, knowing full well it may mean divorce, or just accept it. If you don't want to be treated this way, only YOU have the power to stop it.


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## Sixlet (Apr 26, 2016)

I feel like you're not looking for a solution to this. It feels more like you're so full from holding back that you needed to vent in order to feel better. He's probably not going to change even if you start speaking up. He seems like the type who will push back even harder if you push him by speaking up. You have to decide if that's something you can live with or if it's unbearable enough to go it alone.


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## Suspect (Jan 12, 2016)

I sometimes do need to vent. I do not have access to someone that I can talk to about this. I have been seeing a therapist to help but the appointments are stretched so far out.

He drastically changed 2 years ago became a jerk. I do not like confrontation, but I also have feelings and emotions. He can be upset with a situation but if I become upset I am wrong. 
He knows how to get around things because he starts telling and screaming if I mention anything or have a reaction and this upsets son so he is off the hook. I tried talking to him with no one around he refused and then when we are on our way to a doctor appointment with son in the car he decides he wants to rant. 

Yes I do have to decide what I am going to do. I can't continue on much more like this.


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## Sixlet (Apr 26, 2016)

Suspect said:


> I sometimes do need to vent. I do not have access to someone that I can talk to about this. I have been seeing a therapist to help but the appointments are stretched so far out.
> 
> He drastically changed 2 years ago became a jerk. I do not like confrontation, but I also have feelings and emotions. He can be upset with a situation but if I become upset I am wrong.
> He knows how to get around things because he starts telling and screaming if I mention anything or have a reaction and this upsets son so he is off the hook. I tried talking to him with no one around he refused and then when we are on our way to a doctor appointment with son in the car he decides he wants to rant.
> ...


I wonder what happened 2 years ago to make him become a jerk. Depression? Anxiety? NOT that people with those issues are jerks. Different people express their emotional turmoil in various ways. 
Seems odd for him to be fine all this time then suddenly the switch flips.


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## Suspect (Jan 12, 2016)

What happened 2 years ago was he was working with a guy that is divorced, he began lying a lot not working like he was suppose to be, which cost him work. His attitude towards me became where the meals prepared were not good enough I didn't do anything right. Nothi,g was ever good enough always wrong. 

He was doing things the employer expressed clearly that he was not to do with this divorced guy but he was more concerned with being buddies with him than he was with putting the job on the line and his work reputation.


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## Sixlet (Apr 26, 2016)

Suspect said:


> What happened 2 years ago was he was working with a guy that is divorced, he began lying a lot not working like he was suppose to be, which cost him work. His attitude towards me became where the meals prepared were not good enough I didn't do anything right. Nothi,g was ever good enough always wrong.
> 
> He was doing things the employer expressed clearly that he was not to do with this divorced guy but he was more concerned with being buddies with him than he was with putting the job on the line and his work reputation.


Maybe he needs some positive friendships with happily married guys? It seems odd that he should be so easily changed by being friends w one divorced dude. But I guess that happens to people all the time. Do you have any couples you can hang out with? Maybe if he starts being with people who are content with their married lives he can stop trying to sabotage his own? It's possible being around divorced guy made him wish for the freedom of being on his own?


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## Suspect (Jan 12, 2016)

Yes this guy would send him texts about his time with this woman or that woman that he was with for what ever day it was. Many of the texts were deleted. I am not sure what they all contained I do know this had photos.

There were to many people getting in our marriage and I mentioned it and he took the side of this guy that he needed to be there for him. I asked at what cost was he willing to take to be his friend. 

When the home owner found out some of the things they were doing he was fired from this job and 2 others that were coming as a result from this one.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

GuyInColorado said:


> How's the marriage? You two have a healthy sex life? Love kissing him?


I've noticed that you reply to people with this a lot, and sex can't fix something that's really wrong with the relationship. And why would anyone want to have sex with someone who treats them like they come second in the relationship? Selfishness can't be erased with good sex. I have read your story on here, and you're engaged now...and know that you had a sexless marriage, but the sex life with your ex wasn't the core problem, the core problem was that you were married to a selfish person.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Wow...so the issue is what "your" dinner cost "him". Takes all the romanticism out of it. So he didn't take to to a nice restaurant because he wanted to, he did because he felt he had to...it was a responsibility not something done out of love. I'm sorry this happened to you. Your Valentine's Day was about as romantic as mine was.


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## Suspect (Jan 12, 2016)

It was hurtful. I didn't care about the romance where we went it was the thought and the gesture. Then to have it be thrown back like that. 

I will not be put in that situation again.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

@Suspect, It sounds to me like he started getting some "greener grass" envy when he started hanging out with this divorced dude, and he may be thinking that is something that he wants. He's certainly not acting like a loving partner or husband. If I were in your shoes, I would go 180 on his ass. If he's not going to treat you with the love and respect that a wife deserves, and if he's going to act like he wants to be single and not married anymore, then give him exactly that by doing the 180.

It may get his attention and spur change, but it will also help protect you from his BS.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

*Deidre* said:


> I've noticed that you reply to people with this a lot, and sex can't fix something that's really wrong with the relationship. And why would anyone want to have sex with someone who treats them like they come second in the relationship? Selfishness can't be erased with good sex. I have read your story on here, and you're engaged now...and know that you had a sexless marriage, but the sex life with your ex wasn't the core problem, the core problem was that you were married to a selfish person.


Because most of these people with these dysfunctional relationships are just roommates, if even that. There's a common theme... they are sick, a sick or special needs kid, or no money. The issues they bring up are tiny and it's as if they don't want to address the real issues. 

The real issue to the OP is they do not having a loving relationship. When did that stop? When was the intimacy removed from their marriage? Is it possible to restore? Most likely not, so what are they going to do about it?


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## Suspect (Jan 12, 2016)

I have done the 180 and still doing so as best I can. He tried to start an argument because I wasn't engaging him and going about my business and when he asked if I was going to start an argument. Mind you this was 3 am when he started this
Me. I'm not arguing with you
Him. So what you do you want Me to do
Me I don't care what you do anymore

That hurt his feelings. Because I said I didn't care. It doesn't matter if I do it not he does as he wants and no matter what I say he doesn't listen so I stopped talking.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Suspect said:


> I have done the 180 and still doing so as best I can. He tried to start an argument because I wasn't engaging him and going about my business and when he asked if I was going to start an argument. Mind you this was 3 am when he started this
> Me. I'm not arguing with you
> Him. So what you do you want Me to do
> Me I don't care what you do anymore
> ...


He doesn't understand how awful what he did was and how it made you feel. I bet you would have understood if he told you that there wasn't enough money to go out so made other plans.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

GuyInColorado said:


> Because most of these people with these dysfunctional relationships are just roommates, if even that. There's a common theme... they are sick, a sick or special needs kid, or no money. The issues they bring up are tiny and it's as if they don't want to address the real issues.
> 
> The real issue to the OP is they do not having a loving relationship. When did that stop? When was the intimacy removed from their marriage? Is it possible to restore? Most likely not, so what are they going to do about it?


What might look tiny to us reading one issue that the person is talking about, most likely is attached to a long list of 'tiny' things that both are not doing in the relationship, or doing badly. Sex shouldn't be an obligation, it should flow from a loving, passionate relationship.


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## Suspect (Jan 12, 2016)

If a marriage is based solely on sex then what is there when the medical issues come in and prevent this intimacy?

That is only a part of a relationship there are by far many other parts.


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## Suspect (Jan 12, 2016)

We have only gone out on Valentine's maybe 4 times in the last 32 years. I have always made other arrangements and didn't expect this year to be any different when he mentioned it I didn't see him following through because he doesn't when it comes to plans that involve us. Something else always comes up more important. To say I was shocked when he did would be an understatement.

He managed to have money to go on his 3 day trip that he left for today. This trip was to a sporting event.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Suspect said:


> If a marriage is based solely on sex then what is there when the medical issues come in and prevent this intimacy?
> 
> That is only a part of a relationship there are by far many other parts.


True. It seems like some here obsess over the sexual part of marriage, more than any other part of it. Idk.


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