# Problems being faithful



## LacesTied (May 10, 2010)

I am a 30 year-old married man. I have been married for 7 years and have two children. My wife and I are both well-educated, high-income professionals. My problem is that I have cheated on my wife repeatedly for the past 3-4 years of our marriage. During the first year of our marriage, I looked at porn but never touched another woman. Around the beginning of year 2, I began going to strip clubs. Midway through year 2, I began meeting women for sexual activity that stopped short of actual intercourse. Near the end of year 3, I began meeting women for intercourse. 

Though the patterns of my sex life outside of my marriage were somewhat erratic in the beginning, things have settled at the point where I find myself having a wild sex romp with a random woman about once every 4-6 months on average. I don't have relationships with emotional attachments or long-term affairs. I try to meet pretty women for one-time liaisons with a mutual understanding that the interaction is for sexual purposes only. In a few instances, I have been able to arrange sex-buddy relationships with women that lasted longer than a few weeks, but it was always understood that the purpose of the relationship is purely sexual. Other times, I patronize high-end escorts. 

My wife and I have intercourse about two or three times a week. In addition, she usually gives me oral sex another once or twice a week. She has absolutely no idea about my sex life outside of the marriage. We have a wonderful relationship and there is nothing wrong with her personality or physique (she's put on some pounds after having kids, but I like my women curvy so it doesn't really bother me). I love my wife very much; she is an excellent wife and mother. She is genuinely good in bed. I honestly just get bored with having sex with her and feel like I need some variety. 

My marriage is the first monogamous relationship I have ever attempted. In college, I never had a serious, steady girlfriend. I usually tried to have sex with as many different women as I could as often as I could (my record was sex 22 times with 16 different women during a 10-day long spring break trip, including a threesome). I had a normal, middle-class upbringing and have never been abused or emotionally scarred. I just have an exceptionally strong sex drive. My wife is attractive, but I fell in love with her based on her personality and our mutual interests, not her looks. 

I've gone through the range of thoughts on my behavior, from guilt and disgust to self-justification based on my high sex drive. Sometimes I feel very guilty after being with another woman, other times it doesn't really bother me. At the end of the day, I know that my behavior is morally wrong and that I should be monogamous. But it continues nonetheless.

Any constructive advice, feedback, or thoughts on this problem would be much appreciated.


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## Anancletos (May 7, 2010)

Do you have the feeling you love your wife? Or is she more somebody you enjoy having around because it is nice and easy to have a wife? I don't mean this in any bad way and do not want to criticize your behaviour. 

Maybe you're suffering from a sex-addiction that is developing slowly. It seems to me that you're always going for more and more (starting with porn, then seeking more thrills). 

I would strongly advise you to seek the help of a professional therapist. This is all very confidential and can help you to bring you a clear view of what is going on. Because if you are going to keep up this lifestyle, your wife will inevitably find out and then you're going to face a bigger problem. 

In any case, I wish you luck and strenght.


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## steve71 (Feb 5, 2010)

I agree with the above. If you can detect a cycle of binge and self-loathing this could indicate an obsessive/compulsive trait. If that is the case you should get a reputable counselor to explore the underlying cause of the sympton.


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## momof6girls (Jan 11, 2010)

Again agreeing with all comments above but want to add...

with risk comes the isses of.. what if you get caught one of the women you hook up with may tell your wife or she must just find out then what? 

or worse what if you get something you take home to your wife you are sleeping with other women (who i am sure are sleeping with other men who are sleeping with other women "or men") ok see my drift then you get something that will not only take you life but may take hers.

yes there are short joy from the thrill of sleeping with another women in a hotel or a hook up in a smoky bar or what ever...

try this you love your wife you enjoy sex with her, have you ever expressed you are bored (be nice about it) and want to explore maybe shower sex or out door get thrill with your wife? you can try.

but still go get some help you put it out there so you at this point feel something a miss about your straying from your wife.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Is your wife aware of the kind of playboy past you had ? 22 romps in 10 days with 16 women. Not many women could tame that kind of beast. If she ever finds out , I do hope she will not take it too awfully personal (but of coarse she will), as you most likely have a sex addiction, Very HIGH test levels with compulsive behavior traits, has little to do with her, she sounds like she is doing everything SHE possibly can to please you. And as far as she knows , she is. 

Do you look at your wife Differently than these women you have romps with? Meaning, some men can not look upon thier wives in a WILD erotic way-almost animalistic way, they tend to separate the 2, then many times feel like they are "missing something" in the bedroom. ?? This book called "Passionate Marraige" talks about this issue, has a chapter called " F***ing, doing & being done" (??) explaining how important it is for wives to be able to be that for thier husbands & husbands overcoming the separation, so both can bring the wildness back in the bedroom. 

Just a thought. Is their any Bi-polar in your family? Oftentimes Bipolars have a real struggle sexually -with the kind of things you describe. 

But there is HOPE! 

I also mirror what everyone else has suggested on here. In seeking this help, you may have to come clean with your wife -to some extent , so she can help you/stand by you.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

It sounds like you married for the wrong reasons... for you. I am not judging at all, believe me, I get you. I just read that you were not attracted to her looks, and you are highly sexual by nature... and porn strip clubs etc are all highly visual... perhaps you would have been better off with a hottie wife... one who would stimulate your senses that way which you seek out elsewhere now. 

That being said, you are married and love your wife in other ways. I am in the school of thought that you dont always get caught having affairs... especially ones like you are having which are the "smart" way to do it. Its much less risky, emotionally and getting caught wise to have shorter liasons. If you are certain these women do not have any disease... some are silent you know, no symptoms, then perhaps its what you need to do to be the loving husband. I fear if you stop, you may become depressed or longing. I dont want to psychologize, but perhaps instead of a sex addiction its an addiction to that high you have with someone new. It makes you feel vital and alive and that you take back to your marriage. 

2 things you can do with that:

1) try to figure out why and how to stop it, or maybe redirect it to your wife somehow

2) keep doing it because it works for you

However, you seem conflicted with it... at times self loathing and at times like heck yeah! 

Now that I am older and on my second marriage, I view therapy differently and dont always recommend it bc sometimes it just doesnt work. If you are conflicted enough that you dont want to continue doing this then seize one of the moments where you arent happy doing it and challenge yourself to come up with ways to focus those lovely dirty little needs with your wife. Invite her to a nice hotel bar one night and chit chat with her like you do with one of the other ladies and ask her if she wants to go upstairs... the kids are taken care of (pre-arrange a sitter), go do your thing and head home (Im assuming you can afford this as you mentioned you are successful). Get creative with her, if that is what you want to do.

Otherwise, I stand by the old adage... "if it aint broke, dont fix it." As you stand, you have expressed she is happy, you are happy and sometimes conflicted. If you choose to continue what you are doing, choose your mates wisely... disease is only one bad thing... you dont want to end up with some single person who falls in love with you and then balckmails you, or one who tells your wife out of spite.

I never would have advised this during my first marriage, but I now have a different view of sexuality in marriage and what other people may despise, may work for another. I dont judge I like to start where the person is... thats my social worker coming out.

If you took this part of your life away, would you still be able to love and honor your wife the way you do? Sometimes, you have to step back and look at the situation and see if it is functional or not. Right now, its functional, but in a very non-traditional way. WOuld taking your extracurricular life away lead to dysfunction? Have you ever tried? If so, what happened? Very curious.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

_If you took this part of your life away, would you still be able to love and honor your wife the way you do?_

What love and honor???

Anyway, this guy's wife may not have hepititis or HIV yet, but she sure is wondering why she gets so many infections.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I won't analyze this for too long.

It's just a matter of making a choice to be monogamous. 

You haven't chose that; that's all.

Nothing more complicated than that.

Good luck.


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## LacesTied (May 10, 2010)

Thank you everyone for your helpful replies.

The crazy thing is that I actually do have a healthy sex life with my wife. I enjoy sex with her and we have found ways to keep things kinky and exciting. I do find her very attractive (to clarify, what I meant was that her looks aren't the main reason I married her, since there were many women that I found very attractive). Her sex drive is not nearly as high as mine but she has made every effort to accomodate me (which has kept me from cheating more than I do now). I just feel like I need some variety. No matter how creative we get, it's still having sex with the same woman. It's hard for me to get past the idea that having sex with the same woman all the time is like eating the same flavor of ice cream all the time. For someone who really likes ice cream, it's hard to stick to one flavor. 

I do love my wife very much. I don't just see her as a "friend with benefits" or someone who is nice to have around. She is an excellent mother to our children and we have a wonderful relationship in every respect. Aside from this behavior, I am respectful and affectionate toward her; I help out around the house, buy her surprise gifts and flowers every now and then, and let her know how much I appreciate her. Maybe part of it is because of the guilt. I don't know.

I am also beginning to think that I have a problem with sex addiction. But what bothers me about that is that my life and upbringing were otherwise completely normal. I have a happy marriage, came from a loving home, and never had any emotional or physical traumas in my past. I never even realized that my sex drive was higher-than-normal until college (when I was told by multiple girls that I was much hornier than any other guy they had been with ). That leads me to believe that this is purely biological rather than psychological or emotional. I don't know if these things are genetic, but I vaguely remember that when I was a kid, my older brother would frequently get in trouble for having porn in the house so he may have had similar problems (he died when he was 17, so I can't ask him about it now). I don't think I have bi-polar, but I do have obsessive compulsive tendencies in other aspects of my life. 

There have been times when I resolved to stop. The longest I held out was 8 months, which was followed by a period of 3 months during which I had sex with 6 different women. Towards the end of the eight months, I found that I was irritable, stressed out a lot, and had trouble focusing on my work. When I started having sex with other women again, the guilt returned, but my stress level plummeted and I was able to focus again. 

One idea that had crossed my mind was talking to my wife about periodically arranging a threesome with a second woman. But I really think she might be appalled by that idea; she's not bisexual, and she already does so much to try and meet my sexual needs. She always knew that I had a high sex drive and knew that I had sex with a lot of girls in college (though she doesn't know all the details), but she thought I was a college kid being a college kid and that I got it out of my system. I feel like she would think that asking her to allow me to bring another woman into the bedroom would be beyond the pale and selfish. And it would be hard to pull off anyway. 

So far, I have been able to avoid getting caught by strictly adhering to a set of rules on who I have sex with and how I go about it: no sex with anyone who knows my wife or her friends, no sex with any of my co-workers or those of my wife, no sex with other women in our home, no sex with married women (though I've broken this one a couple of times), no sex with anyone under the age of 22, and no sex with anyone who lives in our neighborhood. I have a secret second cell phone that I use to communicate with other women, and when I hire an escort I pay her with cash from a separate bank account that my wife doesn't know about.

Aside from the guilt, the thing that bothers me the most is the possibility of catching an STD and passing it along to my wife. I always use protection, but that only diminishes the chances, it doesn't eliminate them. And there is always the minor chance that I could get caught and destroy my family, particularly the lives of our two young children. So even if I can overcome the guilt, for purely practical reasons I would like to stop this behavior. I think my next move is to see a therapist.

Anyway, thanks again to everyone for your helpful responses.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Oh, fudge. . .I said I wouldn't psychobabblize this but I will. . .maybe take another angle from the normal "psychobabble" thrown around here (and i don't mean anything bad by saying psychobabble - I engage in it too to all the psychology majors out there). I hope you don't mind a little pseudoreligious analysis (I am not a religious, reverent guy but I do find some religious doctrine academically interesting).

Anyway. . .I find with the sins that undo us all, the Catholic Church hits it right - 7 "capital" sins - Lust, Anger, Greed, Gluttony, Sloth, Envy, and finally, my favorite - Pride.

Anyway, given your history, you sound like you are battling with gluttony as far as sex. You certainly get "enough" (and I know that's relative) at 2-3X/week so you aren't "hungry" for it (talk to some people around here who go months without from their spouses, sometimes even years - they're "starved").

Like the 350 pound man eating donuts and Doritoes all day, you are a glutton for sex. You get enough but you know what - I'll go out and have more with some other women. Just a little more, you think, just in case I go hungry later. No judgment - we all have our deadly sins we wrestle with but that's what it sounds like.

You're a glutton.

I think the therapy is simple enough - fast from sex for 1 month and reflect upon the sensations and feelings you have during the fast (meditate or pray).

See it as an experiment to see if you die or not.

If you die. . .problem solved.

If you don't die. . .you have some insight from the experiment.

Actually, fascinatingly (is that a word) enough, the Catholic Church actually recommends husbands for ritualistic sexual fasts for their wives once in awhile to honor them. I am not sure of the doctrinal reason why. . .but I find it fascinating nonetheless.

(and fascinatinlgy enough, the Catholic Church has gone on record that married couples aren't having sex nearly enough - maybe you could it up to daily with your wife)

Maybe the fast is to get us guys into an uber-horny state so we strengthen our bonds to our wives when we break the fast (which I imagine, the "post-sex fast" sex is probably quick to say the least  )

Anyway, good luck. . .and I remember that line from the movie The Devil's Advocate with Al Paccino. . ."Pride, Danny Boy. . .pride. . .it's my favorite one!!!!"

(Al Paccino was a great Satan - good acting performance)


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## mike1 (Jun 15, 2009)

Hopefully you posting here is a sign that you know that you're doing something wrong and need to change. 

I look at it pretty simply. You agreed to marry her, you said your vows and you need to find a way to subdue your compulsions. You say you enjoy a healthy sex life with your wife so it's not like she's leaving you high and dry for extended periods. Not that it would be anymore justified if she were (only more understandable). So she is actively working to be a good wife and take care of you. She hasn't abandoned you sexually, she hasn't refused to take care of your sexual needs. 

You're having sex 2-3 times a week after 7 years and two kids & she gives you oral 1-2 times a week?? You're having more sex then most couples by far. Maybe you just don't realize how good you have it. Because it's hard to believe you would risk the incredible sex life you enjoy for a little excitement. 

I am usually not so preachy but this is outrageously selfish behavior. You have a wife that obviously loves you very much. You have 2 kids that need a father. You have a sex live that almost all men would envy yet you continue to pursue sexual exploits outside of marriage and take a chance to throw it all away. 

Marriage isn't easy, neither is monogamy for a lot of us, particularly those of us that are actually having problems with lack of sex (2-3 times a month or less). So I have zero understanding or empathy for your situation. If you had problems with monogamy before marriage you should have considered that before getting married. But you've said your vows, you made an a agreement with your wife that she would be your one and only. I would guess she wouldn't be okay with this scenario? 

You have young kids at home so what about being a good father to them? And this issue is not separate from being a father. You lead by example. How exactly would you feel if your son or daughter grew up and was doing to their spouse what you're doing to your wife? Would you be okay with that? Really?

You need some serious therapy to work out your issues. You need to decide if you want to stay married and treat your wife like she should be or if you want to continue your destructive behavior and go be single. You shouldn't have it both ways. 

And I guess I'm feeling a little aggravated more then usual with your situation here because of the fact that you do have a sexual relationship with your wife that most men, certainly myself, envy. You don't know what I would do to be able to have sex with my wife several times a week and get BJs on top of that. So I guess it pisses me off that you're getting that and don't appreciate it and are frankly willing to throw it all away for a few cheap thrills. 

Good luck to you, I hope you get the help you need.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

LacesTied said:


> My marriage is the first monogamous relationship I have ever attempted.


Um, you have not attempted monogamy at all. You have just faked it for your wife's benefit.

You owe her much more than that.

The truth of her life and an understanding of just how much you have risked her physical health in addition to the full disrespect for your marriage vows with her.

Whether or not she decides to stay with you once she knows truly what you are doing is kind of irrelevant.

1. get tested for STDs and share those results with your wife. 

2. Do NOT have any sexual relations with your wife until you have done step 1 and those results show you STD-free.

3. Get professional help, both an individual counselor and a marriage counselor.

4. goes without saying, but maybe you need to read it--stop having sex with anyone else but your wife. Oh, and don't have sex with her if there is a chance you will infect her with an STD.

I feel sad for her, bewildered at you.


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## LacesTied (May 10, 2010)

Thank you for your comments. I appreciate your candor.

For what it's worth, I haven't had sex with another woman in 3 months and don't feel the overwhelming temptation to do so (yet). I was tested for some things a few months ago (all negative) but will need to be tested in another three months for AIDS since it's been less than 6 months since my last potential exposure. Based on your replies, I have decided to schedule an appointment with a therapist and am seeking a recommendation from a sex addict support group in my area.

Anyway, thank you again for your comments. Feel free to offer additional thoughts, but this is probably my last post on the matter.


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## LacesTied (May 10, 2010)

I thought I would post an update. When I first posted, the last time I had sex outside of my marriage was February. Until recently, things had been going great; I hadn't strayed in 5 months, I felt good, and I thought I had overcome my problems. I never sought therapy because I thought I no longer needed it. But about a month and a half ago, I saw a woman during a routine trip to the bank who I found physically stunning: huge breasts, hourglass figure, amazing legs, the whole 9. I was immediately overcome by thoughts about about what it would be like to have sex with her. Almost as if driven by impulse, I approached her. Though somewhere in the back of my mind I was hoping she would reject me, that didn't happen, and I managed to have amazing sex with her sometime during the next week. I feel like this encounter broke something inside of me, and I've had sex 18 times with 10 different women during the past month and a half. That's the worst stretch I've had in my 7-year marriage. One of these was the woman I met in the bank, one was another woman I met randomly at a hotel bar after a client meeting, others were old f-buddies that I called up, and others were high-end escorts. In every case, I've been the one who has initiated (though a couple of subsequent liaisons with the bank woman were initiated by her). It's gotten to where I'm keeping a stash of condoms in the drawer of my desk at work.

My wife still has no idea, though this behavior has caused me to become depressed, which she has noticed. Though I always use work as an excuse when I arrange a liaison on a weekday evening, sometimes I tell her I'm working late not because I'm seeing another woman, but because I'm too depressed to come home and face her. The feeling I get leading up to and during a sex romp (during which I have intercourse or otherwise "pop" about 2-4 times) is the greatest feeling in the world, but afterwards, the depression I feel is just miserable. And yet, I haven't been able to stop. The last time I had sex with another woman was yesterday. Though I know it's wrong, I can't seem to shake the feeling that having sex with one woman, no matter how often, is like eating the same flavor of ice cream all the time. And I just really, really, really like "ice cream".

My wife thinks that I have a huge project this month that's forcing me to put in a lot of hours at work. I tell her that the stress from my "long hours at work" is getting me down and is the reason why I might sometimes seem distant or untalkative. I don't think she suspects anything, but I can't keep this up forever. I have also been having sex with my wife during this period, but not as often as I used to. She talked about wanting to have a third child, but I keep putting her off because I just can't deal with the idea of having more kids right now while I'm mired in this viscous cycle of constant betrayal.

I think it's pretty safe to say that I'm sex addicted, but I can't seem to bring myself to seek help. I feel so ashamed all the time and I'm beginning to think I am just a horrible, deviant person, not someone with a disease or disorder. I was a fairly religious person before this, but now when I worship I just go through the motions, mostly because I feel like a phony who is unworthy of God's mercy. I've prayed for strength to resist these temptations, but to no avail. I wish I had never seen that woman in the bank, since I didn't have the serious urge to cheat for five months until I laid eyes upon her. It turns out that being with that woman awoke something in me that I thought was gone, but was really just suppressed. 

I really don't know what to do now; I want to work up the courage to seek help, but I don't want to tell my wife and destroy our marriage and our family. Any thoughts would be much appreciated.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

You need to get help, and you need to do it NOW. You are putting yourself, your wife, and even your children at risk. With yourself and your wife, there's the risk of disease, not to mention the possibility of divorce and other things if she finds out. Your children will suffer from the demise of your marriage, but there's also the simple fact that you are getting more and more reckless with your behavior. This recklessness includes you hooking up with women that you know absolutely nothing about. Now, yes, this might be an extreme example, but it could happen: what if you hook up with a woman who is extremely unstable mentally? She could try to harm you and/or your family...putting your children at risk. Is it really worth it? Of course it's not. And you know that. But you just can't stop. 

Get help. Find a therapist who can help you, and start seeing him on a regular basis. I strongly recommend you go with a man, just to ensure temptation is avoided, even though a therapist should refuse you that way anyway...better to avoid it altogether, if possible. Start counseling first, and then let your therapist help you figure out how to approach your wife with this. 

And I have to be honest here, as the former wife of a sex addict...be prepared that when she finds out, it's highly likely she will leave you. Especially given the high number of women you've been with, I would not expect forgiveness from her. However, that might not be such a bad thing, because if you're as addicted as you seem to be, the counseling may not really help you anyway, and perhaps being single would be the better option for you. At least then, the only person you'd be hurting would be yourself.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

LacesTied said:


> I really don't know what to do now; I want to work up the courage to seek help, but I don't want to tell my wife and destroy our marriage and our family. Any thoughts would be much appreciated.


You should feel like a phony because that is what you are. However, you can gain God's mercy.

That said--you have already destroyed your marriage many times over.

At this point you really owe your wife the truth. Your brazen recklessness has put her health at risk as well as your own.

The only thing for you to do is to tell the truth and lets the chips fall where they may.

Stop trying to act like you have no choice in this cheating. You choose every action you take--good or bad.


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## 76Trombones (Jun 2, 2010)

Find yourself a good addiction counsellor as soon as possible and perhaps join Sex Addicts Anonymous. They will all help you manage the temptations of this addiction to the best of your ability. It would be useful to find out what it is that is leading you towards doing these impulsive things - there may be some issue in your subconscious that you don't even know about. But start with the addiction counsellor and he/she can refer you to other services based upon your needs.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

"I do love my wife very much. I don't just see her as a "friend with benefits" or someone who is nice to have around. She is an excellent mother to our children and we have a wonderful relationship in every respect. Aside from this behavior, I am respectful and affectionate toward her; I help out around the house, buy her surprise gifts and flowers every now and then, and let her know how much I appreciate her. Maybe part of it is because of the guilt. I don't know."

You don't have wonderful relationship and you aren't respectful in any way. You help out around the house when you are not out screwing somebody else. You are seeking sex and lying to your wife and saying that it is work that is making you this way. Who cares if you buy her guilt gifts or let her know how much you appreciate her...it doesn't mean a damn. It is all lies, lies you tell and lies you cover up. And how nice you don't consider your WIFE a "friend with benefits". 
I always thought that it was foresaking all others, through thick and thin, in sickness and in health. So buying her some roses or whatever flower you purchase makes you a good guy? 
I don't think you are a sex addict as many have suggested. I think you are a narcissist who thinks they can have it all. Your description of the number of women you have had speaks to me. You weren't so much remorseful as you were bragging and congratulating yourself. I had X number of women in X number of days.
You want to work up the courage and seek help but you don't want to tell your family and destroy it? That really means, "I don't want to own up to what I have already done and want an easy pass". You already destroyed your marriage and your family, they just don't know it yet.......but suspect. So in essence you are looking for the easiest way out. True NPD. Anything that would deflect from you and make it easier for YOU to deal with.
You need to seek counseling, STAT. This is not normal behavior. People who cheat usually feel remorse but you don't seem to have that. In fact, it sounds like you justify it and rationalize it.


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

Question for you. You must have courted your wife for a period of time before you got married. Did you have sex with other women during that time?


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## ktilash (May 27, 2010)

I strongly recommend a Sex Addiction Therapist. Please do so. My husband struggled for a long time. The therapist explained to him that he didn't view sex the same as other people and had trouble setting boundaries. Sounds like you have a simaliar problem. Anyway, the therapist helped my husband tremendously. Please do so ASAP.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

Sorry you had a slip up... dont let your depression from it put you into situations where you are more likely to do it again and again... ie a bar at night after work when you dont want to go home and face your wife. GO HOME. 

All "apple pie" families still have their own issues... Thats why it would be helpful to find a counselor. Whether you want to uncover the hidden hurts and deal them that way, or teach yourself to not participate in the current behaviors without delving into your past too much.

Ok, my advice is if you want to stop the behavior and stay married... go to counseling and tell your wife that you think you have a higher sex drive than SHE thinks you do and you are struggling to manage it (only do this if you are sure that monogamy is your goal). Ask if she would be willing to increase activity. If she is, great! If she isnt (or if your goal is to have variety), you may want to consider asking for an open marriage bc its not fair to her to do things she doesnt want to/cant do, and its not fair to you to quelch your urges... it will make you crazy. 

The final decision needs to be this:

1) do you want to be monogamous?

2) do you want to stay married to your wife?

answer those 2 questions and you will have a direction to go in... monogamous marriage, open marriage, divorce.


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## Dave321 (Aug 4, 2010)

Well so much for being highly educated.You don't honor your wife or yourself and marriage.You have scared this women for life.What records we hold dear to our heats................High sex drive,b.s,you take that to your wife and let her deal with that.I would rather read about you or your wife needing ideals about dealing with that then this.Be a man and a person,the crap you being to this table stinks.You will never be able to make this up to your wife even if you live 1000yrs.You should be over with a professional getting help.Your wife sounds like any man or women would love to have as mate for life.You could of brought home aids to this women.i HAVE RECORDED LIKE THAT AND THAT MAKE YOU LOOK LIKE A TODDLER.Well past the hour is late.Get help, please even if you lose your job ,wife ,everything you have..See if i ever seek out a mate again ,i don't want to meet the women you wronged.I don't want to half to pay for what you did.What a man..


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

Your problems warrants attention and counseling. If you trully wanted to stop you would admit to the problem totally and get help from a professional however, you seem to enjoy it too much. A professional would refrain from judgement as that is what they are trained to do. Since i lack the skills and you chose to come on this forum i will be candid.

Your behavior is deplorable and your wife and family deserves better. As others have mentioned your self admitted "attempts at monogamy" is pitiful at best. You are obviously very bringht and slick as evidenced by your ability to conseal the other life you are living. It would be my though that you recognize what you are doing is wrong, and preventable for someone with your brains and resources. Unless i am missing something your wife is doing as much as a wife can in this regard. The fact that you did not marry her for her looks or however, you put it should not be used to rationalize your behavior. If you were married to a supermodel my prediction would be your behavior would be the same as it is now. You WILL get caught of your luck will run out and you will get a disease. Your kids will find out as will the rest of your community and people who work with you. They will all find out the kind of life you have been leading. What a fine example that will set for them!! 

On some level i respect your reaching out to this forum as it least it shows that you recognize the problem. On the other hand I think your post seems to resonate a tone of bragging in my opinion. Seeking attention from strangers as you have been seeking the attention from these other women. 

You should correct your problem, and get counseling (agree with others from a man), leave her or both. This will be better than continuing your behavior that you know is wrong. You seem knowledgable that what you are doing is wrong but, are not willing to do the right thing despite what it will do ultimately to what sounds like a very loving wife. 

Good luck. I pray for your families sake you do what you know is right.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Gluttony back.

There's an old saying with eating - "Eat to Live, not Live to Eat."

The same should apply to sex - "Have Sex as a part of living. Don't live to have sex." 

Dude, you are missing out on life by engaging in this behavior - time with your kids, time with your wife, career expansion (or cutting back/contraction), travel, sports goals, recreation - all for what? 

A 15 second orgasm with an escort? I guess the professionals though at least make you wear a condom.

I'm going to have to agree with the posters on this that at this point you do owe to your wife to tell her and have her tested. I wouldn't be any kind of healthcare provider worth his salt if I didn't advise you of this. And go from there one day at a time.

Good luck.


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## writing2010 (Aug 5, 2010)

LacesTied said:


> Thank you for your comments. I appreciate your candor.
> 
> For what it's worth, I haven't had sex with another woman in 3 months and don't feel the overwhelming temptation to do so (yet). I was tested for some things a few months ago (all negative) but will need to be tested in another three months for AIDS since it's been less than 6 months since my last potential exposure. Based on your replies, I have decided to schedule an appointment with a therapist and am seeking a recommendation from a sex addict support group in my area.
> 
> Anyway, thank you again for your comments. Feel free to offer additional thoughts, but this is probably my last post on the matter.


Did you actually schedule an appointment with a therapist or go to a sex addict support group? Maybe it's time you take your own advice and do what you said you were going to do.

Damage to your family is done. The only thing to do is take steps to repair it for yourself and for them.


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## DNewsom77 (Apr 26, 2010)

Strange that you are willing to sneak around to have sex, but you aren't willing to spend the time for the counseling you need. Since you are willing to be honest here, perhaps you would be willing to be honest with a counselor, which suggest that you could have some success. As you know, it isn't worth the guilt and the risk to your wife and family to keep living as you are. If you don't think you are willing to try to change, you should just be honest with your wife so that your kids can have the chance to have a real father.


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

You may think you are "sparing" your wife from pain by maintaining the status quo. Considering the extend of your addiction/problem you WILL be caught and your scorned wife the fallaout will be much more severe to your kids in this scenario.

Again, pray for the best for you and your family but, again urge you to get the help you need.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Laces Tied,

If the tables were turned, could you justify the same behaviors from your wife? If you expect and feel that you deserve loyalty, honesty, respect, and faithfulness from her, doesn't simple fairness dictate that you extend her the same?


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## LacesTied (May 10, 2010)

Thank you all for your comments. I appreciate every word of advice and deserve every admonishment.

To answer a question that was asked above: though I initially saw other women when my wife and I began dating, I stopped when I fell in love with her and realized she was the one. I also re-discovered my religion around this time, which made me want to settle down and start a family. I didn't start cheating until later. So no, I did not have sex with other women during our courtship. I have always loved my wife very much and I don't think my feelings for her have diminished. I have never had feelings for any of the women I've cheated with. I think I have a very warped view of sex; consciously or unconsciously, I think of sex as purely a physical need that has no connection to love, commitment, or even friendship. In my heart, I know that's wrong but my mind doesn't want to listen. 

I've read all of your responses and have done a lot of thinking in the past week. I have an older sister who I'm very close to; she knows about my history in college and that I've had issues with strong urges in the past. I confided in her (though I didn't tell her the full extent) and she told me to get help and come clean to my wife. I finally scheduled an initial session with a sex addiction therapist for this Friday. I am strongly leaning towards following everyone's advice and telling my wife, but I won't make a final decision until I consult with the therapist. I am pretty sure she will leave me and take the kids if/when she learns of the full magnitude of my issues. I am mentally preparing myself to deal with that possibility. 

For what it's worth, I haven't had sex in the past week (except with my wife) and have not had contact with the women I was cheating with, so whatever it was that caused me to stray repeatedly during the last month and a half seems to have passed for now. But I can't make the mistake again of thinking that everything is okay, so I need to take these steps to get help and come clean, even if it means the end of my marriage.

Thanks again everyone for sharing your thoughts.


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## 76Trombones (Jun 2, 2010)

Good on you for getting yourself an appointment with a sex addiction therapist! They say one of the hardest parts of addiction is admitting to yourself that you really do have a problem and you've done that quite clearly. So stick with the therapy and try to get rid of the addiction whether your wife sticks around or not. I hope she does, but regardless you have to get rid of the addiction for YOU, not your wife or anyone else.


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

Good job on going to a therapist. Sounds to me like you finally started cheating when you became secure in your relationship. Sex is a purely physical need for some people and yes, some people don't connect it in any way to love (myself included).

Most people look at and are attracted to other people even though we're married. We don't cheat however...because we chose not to! This has a lot to do with our moral values. We choose to avoid doing something that we know would hurt our partners, out of respect or love towards them. It doesn't matter if the partner finds out or not. This has more to do with you not wanting to risk your marriage in any way or break the trust that's been offered to you. Some people aren't interested in sex with other people at all, but you're clearly not part of them. 

To an extent, the way you perceive sex is ok. The attraction to other women is ok. What's not ok is the inability to refrain from having sex with other women. Try to figure out why it's so valuable for you to do this. It seems like something you aren't ready to give up very easily, either a confidence boost, or a habit you picked up from a parent unconsciously when you were young or something along these lines. As silly as this question may sound, what do you have to gain from sleeping around with other women and why is that reason more important than your marriage? If you were to choose between your marriage and having sex with other women, unable to have them both, which would you choose, honestly?

Moreover, we all have urges from deep down. Forgive my bad example but we all would have peed in the middle of the street if it was socially acceptable. Because society has taught us otherwise, we just bare it till we get home. Desire is also a natural urge on which you either have no control whatsoever, or you don't want to control it because, again, the pleasure you get from sex with strange is very important to you and you don't want to deny yourself that pleasure. 

Whether your wife leaves or not, this is a problem you'll need to solve because if you want to be faithful yet can't pull it off, it means your urges are in control of you and not the other way around.


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## yogachick (Aug 9, 2010)

I don't think you should tell your wife unless she suspects or finds out and asks, and let's hope she doesn't. You're playing russian roulette and sooner or later your luck is going to run out. You sound a lot like my husband, although I don't know if he has cheated it has been suggested to me by several therapists that he may have through the entire marriage due to his behavior & lies. He is indeed bipolar with an addictive personality. I think a therapist specializing in sexual adictions is the best path for you. I think porn can cause a lot of problems and lead to sex addiction for some people and you sound like one of those people. You are here seeking advice, wanting to change, I think you are a good person who has a hard time controlling himself. Good luck with this.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Laces,
I am glad to hear that you are taking the steps to heal yourself. I came down hard on you but it did sound like you were almost bragging and it seemed like you were a tad smug about getting away with it. 
It sounds like you know what you are doing is wrong and you are playing with fire when it comes to your family yet you can't stop. Question for you since you mentioned something that I found odd: You said that sex is purely physical for you. Do you feel this way when you are with your wife though? Is it still just sex or do you feel a bond/connection?


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## LacesTied (May 10, 2010)

Brennan said:


> Laces,
> I am glad to hear that you are taking the steps to heal yourself. I came down hard on you but it did sound like you were almost bragging and it seemed like you were a tad smug about getting away with it.
> It sounds like you know what you are doing is wrong and you are playing with fire when it comes to your family yet you can't stop. Question for you since you mentioned something that I found odd: You said that sex is purely physical for you. Do you feel this way when you are with your wife though? Is it still just sex or do you feel a bond/connection?


That's a good question and one that my therapist asked me during our first session. To be honest with you, I don't really know. There is a difference between sex with my wife and sex with other women in one sense: when I have sex, psychologically I approach it differently with my wife than I do with other women. With other women, it's more of an ego/selfish thing; I try my hardest to make it good for them because it enhances the experience for me, boosts my ego, and makes it more likely that they will want to have sex with me again. I get a thrill out of the idea of being thought of as 'good in bed'; there's no bigger ego booster for me than a woman thinking that I'm really good at sex and that I know how to hit all the right spots. I also get a thrill out of knowing that I've had sex with a lot of women, and I think that part of me is driven to pursue women because I want to boost my 'count'. With my wife, I like to make sex good for her because I do love her and I want her to be happy and fulfilled. There's not as much of an ego component to it; I try to give my wife good sex because I genuinely want to make her happy. I guess maybe that's one kind of bond or connection, but obviously not the right one, since it doesn't keep me from acting on my urge to be with other women. Physically, I do enjoy sex with my wife, but maybe not as much as I've enjoyed sex with other women. I told the therapist these things and he said that, coupled with the fact that I don't have sex with my wife every day and that my cheating has been very irregular, my thought process indicates that I probably don't have an addiction to sex or hormonal abnormalities and that my behavior more likely stems from deeper psychological issues.

I asked my therapist about telling my wife, and he said that from a marital/family perspective, he can't make a recommendation on that based on one session with me. He said we need time to delve deeper into my family life and my relationship with my wife. He did say, however, that if I've practiced unprotected sex and have placed her at risk, I must tell her right away, stop having sex with her, and advise her to get tested. I've been very strict about using condoms for sex with other women, so I don't think she's at risk; I got tested recently (albeit before my most recent lapses), and everything came back negative. I think I'll hold off on telling her for now and see how these sessions go.

It's been about two weeks since I last cheated, and I think things have stabilized for now. The woman from the bank contacted me a few days ago but I told her I couldn't see her anymore, so I survived that test. I'm hoping that with these sessions now I can beat this thing once and for all.


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## LacesTied (May 10, 2010)

Nekko said:


> As silly as this question may sound, what do you have to gain from sleeping around with other women and why is that reason more important than your marriage? If you were to choose between your marriage and having sex with other women, unable to have them both, which would you choose, honestly?


I definitely think that part if it has to do with the excitement of tasting forbidden fruit, so to speak. Maybe the fact that sex outside of marriage is prohibited enhances its appeal for me, while sex within marriage is normal and therefore boring. I don't find sex with my wife boring per se, but I think it would be boring if I didn't have sex with anyone else. That's the thing: I think that monogamy is boring. I also think I take some kind of subconscious pride in the fact that I've covered my tracks so well so far and avoided getting caught, which makes me want to keep practicing this 'skill'. If I was forced to choose, of course I would choose my wife, because I do love her and I'm definitely not doing this because I'm unhappy in my marriage. I feel like I do respect my wife and don't want to dishonor her (though I obviously have), but I'm not sure why that hasn't been enough to keep me from cheating.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

I wonder if the lack of emotion during sex might be a distrust of women. Is there anything in your past that could have made you feel like really trully getting close to one woman would be impossible? You mentioned you have a sister whom you trust. You told her most of what you have done but not all. Did you somehow deep down hold that part back? Reasons could be fear (fear of rejection/reaction, shame, or power (as in, I am keeping this from you to guard myself..so you feel like you have the upper hand).
I could be WAY off base with this. I am curious if this could be possible though.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

You responded to Nekko by in essence saying that monogomy is boring and that sex outside of marriage is exciting. The thing is though that you have never been faithful even when not married so I don't think it is the marriage/non-marriage aspect. I am interested in hearing your response to my previous post. I think it really could be a total fear of committment. Meaning trully opening your heart and giving 100% to just one person, being vulnerable, putting it all out on the line. It sounds like there is something deep inside you that is preventing this.


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## LacesTied (May 10, 2010)

Brennan said:


> I wonder if the lack of emotion during sex might be a distrust of women. Is there anything in your past that could have made you feel like really trully getting close to one woman would be impossible? You mentioned you have a sister whom you trust. You told her most of what you have done but not all. Did you somehow deep down hold that part back? Reasons could be fear (fear of rejection/reaction, shame, or power (as in, I am keeping this from you to guard myself..so you feel like you have the upper hand).
> I could be WAY off base with this. I am curious if this could be possible though.


I told my sister that I had cheated on my wife with many different women. She asked how far back, and I told her about 3-4 years. She said that if it wasn't just one woman that I was having an affair with and that if there weren't emotions involved, she didn't want to know all the details and then proceeded to chew me out. I didn't really want to tell her the details, but I don't think there were any deeper emotional reasons for that. It's just very awkward for me to talk about sex with my sister, and she still thinks of me as her baby brother.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Yes, I can see how that would be weird to talk with her about it. Okay, skip the sister part. Back to the "distrust" if you will. Do you think there is something in your past that makes it difficult to trully give 100% to one woman? You mention you love your wife but you are risking so much with your actions so I wonder if you really can give 100%. Not judging at all, trying to brainstorm here. 
Also, you mentioned thrill seeking. Is it really thrill seeking you are looking for or is it validation from other women? The reason I ask is that you touched on that you really wanted to hear from the other women how great you were in bed. If it was thrill seeking per se, I am guessing that whatever they got out of it wouldn't matter so much to you as long as you were having fun. But it seems like your fun is tied to their fun and their validation. So I wonder if it isn't so much boredom as it is seeking external validation. Could that be possible?


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## LacesTied (May 10, 2010)

Brennan said:


> You responded to Nekko by in essence saying that monogomy is boring and that sex outside of marriage is exciting. The thing is though that you have never been faithful even when not married so I don't think it is the marriage/non-marriage aspect. I am interested in hearing your response to my previous post. I think it really could be a total fear of committment. Meaning trully opening your heart and giving 100% to just one person, being vulnerable, putting it all out on the line. It sounds like there is something deep inside you that is preventing this.


While my wife and I were engaged and during our first year of marriage, I was faithful (I did look at porn, though not compulsively). There were of course other women I was attracted to, but I never pursued them. I started going to strip clubs during year two and started having sex with other women during year three. But as I mentioned earlier, my wife is the only woman with whom I've ever even attempted a monogamous relationship. Since I lost my virginity at age 17, I never had a steady girlfriend or even a crush. I just tried to have sex with as many attractive women as possible as often as possible.



Brennan said:


> Do you think there is something in your past that makes it difficult to trully give 100% to one woman? You mention you love your wife but you are risking so much with your actions so I wonder if you really can give 100%. Not judging at all, trying to brainstorm here.


The only 'abnormal' thing from my childhood I can think of is that my older brother died in a car accident when I was 15 (he was 17). My sister and I were both very close to him, so we took it kind of hard. After that it was just me and my sister, which drew us closer together. Maybe there are some deep-rooted issues stemming from that incident. That's all I can think of, though. 

I appreciate your help, but I don't expect that you'll be able to diagnose my problem this way.


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## L_Graze (Jun 15, 2010)

What about your children? I noticed that they were only mentioned in your first post. 

How old are they? What's your relationship like with them? Do you fear losing them? Has your therapist said anything about them?


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## R.Myers (Sep 1, 2010)

LacesTied said:


> I am a 30 year-old married man. I have been married for 7 years and have two children. My wife and I are both well-educated, high-income professionals. My problem is that I have cheated on my wife repeatedly for the past 3-4 years of our marriage. During the first year of our marriage, I looked at porn but never touched another woman. Around the beginning of year 2, I began going to strip clubs. Midway through year 2, I began meeting women for sexual activity that stopped short of actual intercourse. Near the end of year 3, I began meeting women for intercourse.
> 
> Though the patterns of my sex life outside of my marriage were somewhat erratic in the beginning, things have settled at the point where I find myself having a wild sex romp with a random woman about once every 4-6 months on average. I don't have relationships with emotional attachments or long-term affairs. I try to meet pretty women for one-time liaisons with a mutual understanding that the interaction is for sexual purposes only. In a few instances, I have been able to arrange sex-buddy relationships with women that lasted longer than a few weeks, but it was always understood that the purpose of the relationship is purely sexual. Other times, I patronize high-end escorts.
> 
> ...


:scratchhead::scratchhead:wow if i could get sex 3 to 4 times a week and oral 1 every 1 or 2 weeks, cheating would never come across my mind!


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Laces,
I am not at all trying to diagnose your problems. I am not even REMOTELY qualified to do that. I was just reading what you wrote and basing it on some of my past and also the past of my friends and family. I did not mean to offend in any way with my questioning. It was a brainstorming...kind of an "a ha" moment that I had hoped would help you. When I had to dive deep into my own life many moons ago, through stupid questions and even stupider suggestions I was able to pinpoint my issues and therefore work on them.


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## 76Trombones (Jun 2, 2010)

The defensiveness you displayed in your last post supports the notion that there are deeper issues at play here. Get counselling.


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## Precious08 (Dec 2, 2012)

Hi,

How is your therapy going?

Regards.


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