# Marriage Dilemma



## cms01 (Apr 30, 2019)

Hi Everyone, I've been married for 5 years now, going on 6 yrs in November - no children. My husband has developed a deep interest in video games and has been working the night shift for 3 years. On weekends when he has off, he will spend his time playing video games and then he will sleep. I've made numerous efforts to try and have him do things with me like going to the park and taking walks, hiking, movies, etc., but he makes his gaming more of a priority in addition to hanging out with his gaming friends (he works with these same friends too, who are much younger than him and are not married - my husband is 37 and these friends are in their mid to late 20's.) But this gaming thing is really aggravating and i've expressed this to him on numerous occassions, but it's like he turns a deaf ear. I'm not sure what to do at this point, though I have considered walking out. And not only is the gaming an issue, but there is a lack of intimacy and we don't even sleep in the same bed. The last time we were intimate (it was in January of this year) it just didnt feel right - the passion was/is gone. I just need some advice before I make the next step.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

What do you want to have happen?

What do you think your husband wants to have happen?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

This is not a rare a it should be. 

At this point your husband is not really in your relationship. You have some choices here. You can just keep on going as it is. You can try to work on your marriage. Or you can divorce him.

I do not suggest that you continue with the status quo. It's not mentally healthy for you to do this. You know that.

If you want to work on your marriage, there are things you can do. You can give it a time limit, like 6 months. If you two are not back to a loving relationship by then, it's time to file for divorce. If you are back a good relationship, give it another 6 months and re-evaluate, and continue this evaluation every 6-12 months to make sure you are not slipping back to this destructive pattern.

Just remember that you cannot change your husband. The only person you can change is yourself. But as you change, he will have to change in response. How he changes is his choice. Hopefully he will chose a path that brings him back to the relationship.

There are some good books that can help you turn this around. My suggestion is that you read them in the order listed here:

*Divorce Busting: A Step-by-Step Approach to Making Your Marriage Loving Again* by Michele Weiner-Davis

This book is a good first start. Pay special attention to the chapter about introducing changes in your environment. You have to change things about the way you behave in your relationship. At this point, your husband is not paying attention to you because he does not have to... after all, what are you going to do about it? Leave? Of course not (he thinks). 

*Love Busters: Protecting Your Marriage From Habits That Destroy Romantic Love* by Harley, Willard F, Jr. 

The idea of this book is that the first step in fixing a relationship is for both people to stop doing the things that kill the love in the relationship. To this you have to first identify them and then you both need to stop the behaviors. 

*His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage* by Harley, Willard F, Jr.

Then, after the love busters have stopped, this books talks about how to restructure your relationship into one that is passionate and meets both of your needs. It talks about what is reasonable to expect from your spouse. For example you and your husband should be spending at least 5 hours a week together doing date-like (quality) time with just the to of you. Only after that should either of you have time for other activities with other people. Any married couple who does not spend this time will find themselves in a failed marriage.

My suggestion is that you read these 3 books and do the work that they suggest. Then, after you have done that, you talk to your husband using the new info they have given you. And you ask him to read the last two books with you and do the work with you. 

If that does not work after 6 months, you have tried all you can to fix your marriage.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you have a job outside the home? If so, how many hours a week do you work?

What is your support system like? Do you have family and or friends who you can talk to and do things with?


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Have you looked into joining him in gaming?
You might like it.
You can only change what you do, there's no way you can make anyone else change. 
He might see your change and decide to make some changes of his own....
Gaming is in 85% of households these days....


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## cms01 (Apr 30, 2019)

@EleGirl...thanks for the feedback and book list..I appreciate it.
Yes, I work a 9-5 job and I honestly have no support system...a couple of my friends moved to Florida and have children. And I don't have a close knit family unfortunately.


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## cms01 (Apr 30, 2019)

@Marduk...I would prefer that things be the way before he got into gaming. When we were dating and inthe first 2 years of marriage, he didn't play video games.
And I honestly think he doesn't care about how i feel and our lack of quality time and building memories as a married couple.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Did you know that women file for divorce at a much greater rate than men?

And do you know the #1 reason women file for divorce?

Would you guess abuse is the #1 reason?
Physical abuse?
Verbal/Emotional abuse?
Mental abuse?
Sexual abuse?
Financial abuse?

No. Abuse is so far down the totem pole of women's reasons that it's ridiculous when it should be the #1 reason, but abuse they tolerate.

The #1 reason women file for divorce is neglect. Exactly what you are describing is the main reason women end their marriage. And just like you're saying you have considered walking out on numerous occasions, that's what most women do until they get sick of being neglected and they become the *Walk Away Wife*.

But here's the rub:
We women have a tendency to think that we are the only ones that matter in the relationship. Our wants, our needs, what we want to do, what we don't want to do, and so on are all that we consider. We sometimes expect our man's whole existence to be centered around us. You're saying he plays games and hangs out with his friends. You're also saying you try to get him to do things with you.

Do you see the difference there?

1. You try to get him to do things with you.
2. You've tried asking him to go to the park and taking walks, hiking, movies, etc.

And then you called the things he likes to do aggravating and don't like that he hangs out with his friends.

So, the question you should ask yourself is "Why are the things I like to do so much more valid and more important than the things that he likes to do?"

Do you see how his existence does and shouldn't have to center around you and your preferences? He's a grown man who has determined his own likes and dislikes.

Sports are often times not a woman's thing, so we didn't hesitate to call ourselves "sports widows" due to what we considered hubby's neglect for the sake of Super Bowl Sunday.....and all the other Sundays, and Thursdays, and whenever a game is on, which is every night of the week. But the smart cookies began learning about the games so they could enjoy them with their husbands and take part in hanging out with his friends, throwing tailgating parties, Super Bowl parties, etc.

These days, we're calling ourselves "video game widows" because all he wants to do is play video games, sleep, and hang out with his gaming friends. So now, you be the smart cookie of current day, and take an interest in the games that he likes and hanging out with him and his friends. Just like you can expect him to want to go to the park and taking walks, hiking, movies, etc. with you, he has every right to expect you to want to do things that he likes.

You're not the only one in this marriage. You're not the only one who has interests. And you're not the only one who has needs. How would you feel if he told you that he also feels neglected and you won't join him in the things he wants to do? It would be a fair complaint just like yours is. Maybe you making an effort in his direction will prompt him to make an effort in your direction. You don't have a legitimate complaint until you stop thinking that you matter more and try to meet him halfway.

So, I wanted to offer food for thought regarding the Walk Away Wife Syndrome, as well as our tendency to think we, the wife, are all that matters in the marriage.

But I want to point out that along with a whole lot of these gaming addictions is a guy who isn't gaming at all but is actually on porn sites taking care of his own sexual needs, while wifey goes neglected and thinks he's playing games just because he's on the computer and that's what he told her he's doing. I think you need to find out for sure that gaming is actually what he's doing.

And by that same token, those guys whose wives are not aware their husbands are on porn sites, they also don't know their husbands are on meet up sites. So while you might think he's hanging out with gaming friends, be sure you know for certain who he is hanging out with - friends or some female he met online. You might very well find out how many dating sites he is registered on.

Unfortunately, that is also the trend these days. You might find you've been neglected for reasons other than you thought. I hope you don't, but it's more likely you will, believe it or not.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Men have always had hobbies or outside interests that take them away from their most important human relationship. Growing up, I heard about golf widows and fishing widows. While I have always tried to put my marriage first, there have been times where I've gotten a little too involved with downhill skiing in the winter and mountain biking in the summer. Any man with less core dedication to the marriage is easily sucked in to outside interests.

What makes it even harder with gaming is that it is so easily accessible. At least with skiing, I have to plan the day, take the time to actually drive to the resort, gear up, deal with lift lines, endure the cold, etc. But with gaming, all one need do is turn on the computer. It's so easy to start, so easy to get sucked in, and so easy to keep going and going and going....

Add to that that gaming is now a diagnosable addiction, just like any other. 

The latter part should be your main concern. Addictions are impossible for someone other than the addict himself to battle, and only he can choose to do so. Now the science on this isn't fully settled, and even if it was, it may not apply to your husband, but that he is so quick to turn a deaf ear to your concerns, is concerning. 

This is why you need to heed Ele's advice above. A time frame is key, and a willingness to adhere to the boundaries you set is essential. You do not want to spend the rest of your life playing second fiddle to microchips, a modem, and a flat screen.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There is a huge difference between a guy spending time with his wife in quality time (about 15 hours a week) and then him having time for hobbies/interests and his friends -vs- a guy who spends no quality time with his wife and spending all his time on everything except his wife. The latter is not good.


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## cms01 (Apr 30, 2019)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Men have always had hobbies or outside interests that take them away from their most important human relationship. Growing up, I heard about golf widows and fishing widows. While I have always tried to put my marriage first, there have been times where I've gotten a little too involved with downhill skiing in the winter and mountain biking in the summer. Any man with less core dedication to the marriage is easily sucked in to outside interests.
> 
> What makes it even harder with gaming is that it is so easily accessible. At least with skiing, I have to plan the day, take the time to actually drive to the resort, gear up, deal with lift lines, endure the cold, etc. But with gaming, all one need do is turn on the computer. It's so easy to start, so easy to get sucked in, and so easy to keep going and going and going....
> 
> ...


thanks for feedback, yea i don't mind him having his interest, but it's an issue when he puts that first before anything and cancels plans with me so he can do gaming. I will definitely put a time frame to this and see how it works out.


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## cms01 (Apr 30, 2019)

EleGirl said:


> There is a huge difference between a guy spending time with his wife in quality time (about 15 hours a week) and then him having time for hobbies/interests and his friends -vs- a guy who spends no quality time with his wife and spending all his time on everything except his wife. The latter is not good.


yea i dont mind him having hobbies, but I'm just being pushed to side and I only see him a few hours a week because of his work schedule...it sucks


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

cms01 said:


> @EleGirl...thanks for the feedback and book list..I appreciate it.
> 
> Yes, I work a 9-5 job and I honestly have no support system...a couple of my friends moved to Florida and have children. And I don't have a close knit family unfortunately.


One of the things that you need to do is to build a strong support system for yourself. You might want to check out the website http://www.meetup.com Check out the meetups for your area (zip code). Find things that you enjoy doing and/or are interested in. Get out there and meet people, get active on your own. 

Do you work out? What are you doing for yourself these days?

Right now you are the wife who is boring. He does not have to pay attention to you because like the furniture, you are not going anywhere (yea I know I already said that.) 

Get active. Make friends. Work out. Work on yourself.


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## cms01 (Apr 30, 2019)

StarFires said:


> Did you know that women file for divorce at a much greater rate than men?
> 
> And do you know the #1 reason women file for divorce?
> 
> ...


No you're way off...my husband and I only see each other a few hours a week because he works the night shift and on weekends he does his gaming and sleeps. We make plans to do things on weekends, but he then decides to postpone things so he can do his gaming. SO if anything, he's putting his needs first.,,his putting his needs before quality time with his wife who he barely sees within the week. I don't stop him from hanging out with his friends, but it does concern me that he leaves me hanging knowing that we haven't done nothing together as a couple in God knows how long. So that Walk Away Wife Syndrome you mentioned is BS.


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## cms01 (Apr 30, 2019)

EleGirl said:


> One of the things that you need to do is to build a strong support system for yourself. You might want to check out the website. Check out the meetups for your area (zip code). Find things that you enjoy doing and/or are interested in. Get out there and meet people, get active on your own.
> 
> Do you work out? What are you doing for yourself these days?
> 
> ...


Yea I wish i had friends i can do things with and socialize, but I haven't made the effort. 
My life is simply boring now. I used to do yoga, but stopped.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

cms01 said:


> Hi Everyone, I've been married for 5 years now, going on 6 yrs in November - no children. My husband has developed a deep interest in video games and has been working the night shift for 3 years. On weekends when he has off, he will spend his time playing video games and then he will sleep. I've made numerous efforts to try and have him do things with me like going to the park and taking walks, hiking, movies, etc., but he makes his gaming more of a priority in addition to hanging out with his gaming friends (he works with these same friends too, who are much younger than him and are not married - my husband is 37 and these friends are in their mid to late 20's.) But this gaming thing is really aggravating and i've expressed this to him on numerous occassions, but it's like he turns a deaf ear. I'm not sure what to do at this point, though I have considered walking out. And not only is the gaming an issue, but there is a lack of intimacy and we don't even sleep in the same bed. The last time we were intimate (it was in January of this year) it just didnt feel right - the passion was/is gone. I just need some advice before I make the next step.


That's easy. Do what my W did. Get rid of the damn game console or I'm out. Then hand your idiot H the D papers. You can always stop the D later if he gets his crap straight. 

Gaming has killed many a marriage. It is doing it again here.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

StillSearching said:


> Gaming is in 85% of households these days....


The other households have joined the real world.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

cms01 said:


> No you're way off...my husband and I only see each other a few hours a week because he works the night shift and on weekends he does his gaming and sleeps. We make plans to do things on weekends, but he then decides to postpone things so he can do his gaming. SO if anything, he's putting his needs first.,,his putting his needs before quality time with his wife who he barely sees within the week. I don't stop him from hanging out with his friends, but it does concern me that he leaves me hanging knowing that we haven't done nothing together as a couple in God knows how long. So that Walk Away Wife Syndrome you mentioned is BS.


I'm afraid you didn't understand my post, and that is unfortunate because 1) there is nothing BS about Walk Away Wife Syndrome (you didn't understand that you are well on the road to being that), and 2) it isn't possible for your husband to be solely responsible for the success of your marriage nor solely to blame for the failure of your marriage. It takes two people and as long as you keep thinking it's all on him, there is no book you can read or anything else you can do to fix it. There is nothing "way off" about what I said. And regarding that, will you be too big a person to come back and tell us if you find out he's watching porn videos and taking care of himself as much or more than playing games? Or that he's cheating with women he met online. He hasn't touched you in 8 months. How could I possibly be "way off"? Do you honestly think a man is THAT interested in video games? Even game widows complain that he only pays attention to them when he wants sex. But you can't even say that much.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

elegirl said:


> there is a huge difference between a guy spending time with his wife in quality time (about 15 hours a week) and then him having time for hobbies/interests and his friends -vs- a guy who spends no quality time with his wife and spending all his time on everything except his wife. The latter is not good.


exactly


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

cms01 said:


> No you're way off...my husband and I only see each other a few hours a week because he works the night shift and on weekends he does his gaming and sleeps. We make plans to do things on weekends, but he then decides to postpone things so he can do his gaming. SO if anything, he's putting his needs first.,,his putting his needs before quality time with his wife who he barely sees within the week. I don't stop him from hanging out with his friends, but it does concern me that he leaves me hanging knowing that we haven't done nothing together as a couple in God knows how long. *So that Walk Away Wife Syndrome you mentioned is BS*.


Did you read the Walk Away Wife Syndrome (WAWS) link? What this website states is that the WAWS occurs when a the woman has serious issues in her marriage and ties and tries and tries to tell her husband about it to get him to address them. The husband just ignores what she is telling him. After all, he's just find with the marriage the way things are. So he thinks she just nick picking on him. Eventually the wife gives up trying to communicate with her husband about it. And after some time she just files for divorce. And her husband feels like it comes out of the blue because he thought everything is ok. The WAWS has nothing to do with the woman being self centered. It has to do with exactly the kind of things going on in your relation.

For a marriage to work, both parents have to work to meet each other's needs or the marriage falls apart.

Here's what two different studies found are the reasons that women divorce. Others that look at it differently say that about 25% of the time, women divorce due to domestic violence.


Infidelity
Incompatible
Drinking/drug use
Grew apart
Personality problems
Lack of communication
Physical or mental abuse
Loss of love
Not meeting family obligations
Employment problems

https://daltondivorcemediation.com/10-reasons-women-divorce/

1) Different life goals
2) Infidelity
3) Constant quarreling
4) Lack of intimacy
5) Mental illness
6) Misconduct
7) Boredom
8) Physical abuse
9) Household problems
10) Money problems​
https://www.thesun.co.uk/fabulous/6692002/top-10-reasons-women-divorce/


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

cms01 said:


> StarFires said:
> 
> 
> > Did you know that women file for divorce at a much greater rate than men?
> ...


Yup

This isn't about you thinking you are the center of the universe. This is about him neglecting his entire family for a game console.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

) "it isn't possible for your husband to be solely responsible for the success of your marriage nor solely to blame for the failure of your marriage."

Oh no sweetie, you are absolutely wrong. It is entirely possible for one spouse to wreck a marriage.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

personofinterest said:


> ) "it isn't possible for your husband to be solely responsible for the success of your marriage nor solely to blame for the failure of your marriage."
> 
> Oh no sweetie, you are absolutely wrong. It is entirely possible for one spouse to wreck a marriage.


Quoted for truth.


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## cms01 (Apr 30, 2019)

StarFires said:


> I'm afraid you didn't understand my post, and that is unfortunate because 1) there is nothing BS about Walk Away Wife Syndrome (you didn't understand that you are well on the road to being that), and 2) it isn't possible for your husband to be solely responsible for the success of your marriage nor solely to blame for the failure of your marriage. It takes two people and as long as you keep thinking it's all on him, there is no book you can read or anything else you can do to fix it. There is nothing "way off" about what I said. And regarding that, will you be too big a person to come back and tell us if you find out he's watching porn videos and taking care of himself as much or more than playing games? Or that he's cheating with women he met online. He hasn't touched you in 8 months. How could I possibly be "way off"? Do you honestly think a man is THAT interested in video games? Even game widows complain that he only pays attention to them when he wants sex. But you can't even say that much.


No I understood your post loud and clear and that syndrome thing is BS. A wife can't leave a marriage without it being labled that? And yes it does take 2 people for a marriage to work and I'm not putting blame on him for the "failure of marriage"...those were your words not mine.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

personofinterest said:


> ) "it isn't possible for your husband to be solely responsible for the success of your marriage nor solely to blame for the failure of your marriage."
> 
> Oh no sweetie, you are absolutely wrong. It is entirely possible for one spouse to wreck a marriage.


Nope, it isn't possible for one spouse to wreck a marriage when the other spouse's definition of marriage is essentially that their husband or wife should worship at the alter of their wonderfulness. There is no reason for one person to poopoo and denigrate their spouse's interests in lieu of their own interests as if they are all that matters, and then think they have someone else to blame.

Do not address me as "sweetie" please.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

cms01 said:


> No I understood your post loud and clear and that syndrome thing is BS. A wife can't leave a marriage without it being labled that? And yes it does take 2 people for a marriage to work and I'm not putting blame on him for the "failure of marriage"...those were your words not mine.


That made so little sense - as in no sense at all - that you gave away your agenda.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

cms01 said:


> Yea I wish i had friends i can do things with and socialize, but I haven't made the effort.
> My life is simply boring now. I used to do yoga, but stopped.


Here's something you can change.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Moderator warning: I will ban anyone who threadjacks.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

personofinterest said:


> StarFires said:
> 
> 
> > cms01 said:
> ...


Well, lets not make assumptions. There could be very good reasons why he is ignoring her...


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Just a stab in the dark, but is it possible that your husband doesn't realize how much time he is spending on games? I know my own kids are both into video games, and sometimes they are shocked to discover they have played for 7 or 8 hours straight. They can be so engrossing that time gets away. That doesn't make it OK, but maybe he doesn't realize just how huge the chunks of time are?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

cms01 said:


> @Marduk...I would prefer that things be the way before he got into gaming. When we were dating and inthe first 2 years of marriage, he didn't play video games.
> 
> And I honestly think he doesn't care about how i feel and our lack of quality time and building memories as a married couple.



Ok, in that case, I’d recommend stating with a very reasonable position and then ramping up from there. 

“Husband, I’m feeling unloved because of your video game playing. I’d like to spend x hours a day/week with you without you playing them.”

If he doesn’t accept that, I would ramp up a notch. 

“Husband, I’m not getting what I need in this marriage. If you start playing games during family time, we are just going to go do something without you.” And then do that. 

If that doesn’t work, the next step I’d take is to totally ignore him. Pull completely away from the relationship, ask him to sleep in a different bed, no sex whatsoever. And tell him it’s because his use of video games is making you question the marriage. 

The next step after that is forcing him to choose between a divorce and video games. Literally draw up an agreement, put it in front of him next to his favourite video game, and make him pick. 

My wife did this for a while with her phone. We got to step 2. One day she looked up from her phone and the house was empty. She was on Facebook or whatever, and I just rounded the kids up and took them for ice cream and to the park. 

Boy, did she get mad. But it’s hard to defend yourself when she didn’t even realize we were gone for half an hour because she was stuck to her phone. 

She’s never done it again.

EDIT: Ignore this advice. I missed the part where he’s already not sleeping in the same bed, and has checked out of the marriage.

I’d personally skip to the last step in this chain: A or B time.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

cms01 said:


> Hi Everyone, I've been married for 5 years now, going on 6 yrs in November - no children. My husband has developed a deep interest in video games and has been working the night shift for 3 years. On weekends when he has off, he will spend his time playing video games and then he will sleep. I've made numerous efforts to try and have him do things with me like going to the park and taking walks, hiking, movies, etc., but he makes his gaming more of a priority in addition to hanging out with his gaming friends (he works with these same friends too, who are much younger than him and are not married - my husband is 37 and these friends are in their mid to late 20's.) But this gaming thing is really aggravating and i've expressed this to him on numerous occassions, but it's like he turns a deaf ear. I'm not sure what to do at this point, though I have considered walking out. And not only is the gaming an issue, but there is a lack of intimacy and we don't even sleep in the same bed. The last time we were intimate (it was in January of this year) it just didnt feel right - the passion was/is gone. I just need some advice before I make the next step.


State what you need. State your consequences if you don't get them. That may be hard but that is marriage. You have to love him enough to give him a chance even if you have to confront him.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

personofinterest said:


> ) "it isn't possible for your husband to be solely responsible for the success of your marriage nor solely to blame for the failure of your marriage."
> 
> * Oh no sweetie, you are absolutely wrong. It is entirely possible for one spouse to wreck a marriage.*


Yep. Seen it many times.
How many times have we seen examples of an unfaithful partner stepping out on a dedicated, loving, willing and available spouse? This **** happens in the real world. Gaming may not rise to the level of infidelity, but it can be equally destructive in the long run. 


What's particularly damning in this case is that plans are made jointly and then cancelled unilaterally in favor of the gaming. 

I'm pretty sure the next time I was on the wrong end of a broken agreement, I'd wait until man-child was in the middle of his game and then walk in and unplug the damn computer at the most inopportune time and say "Thank you for agreeing to do x with me today. I'm ready, let's go!"


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@cms01

What are your husband's complaints about you and/or your relationship?

Has he said anything to you about why he's not having sex with you and/or what to spend time with you?


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Prior to your husband's gaming, what was your marriage like? What was your relationship with your husband like? Prior to his heavy involvement with gaming, did your husband have specific complaints question nor did he seem to think that you were a nag or a pest or unpleasant? Since there are implications that your husband is ignoring you because you are unpleasant or that you have built some sort of altar you expect him to worship at, I'm trying to ascertain if any of this is the case. Would you like your husband to worship at your altar, or do you just want a companion and partner who will be a husband and father and spin time with you? Is there truth to the idea that you are completely unpleasant, or could your husband in fact being the gleck ting you in favor of gaming? Some of this is tongue in cheek, but underneath it would be helpful to know what the dynamic of your marriage relationship was like before gaming entered the picture.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

cms01 said:


> Hi Everyone, I've been married for 5 years now, going on 6 yrs in November - no children. My husband has developed a deep interest in video games and has been working the night shift for 3 years. On weekends when he has off, he will spend his time playing video games and then he will sleep. I've made numerous efforts to try and have him do things with me like going to the park and taking walks, hiking, movies, etc., but he makes his gaming more of a priority in addition to hanging out with his gaming friends (he works with these same friends too, who are much younger than him and are not married - my husband is 37 and these friends are in their mid to late 20's.) But this gaming thing is really aggravating and i've expressed this to him on numerous occassions, but it's like he turns a deaf ear. I'm not sure what to do at this point, though I have considered walking out. *And not only is the gaming an issue, but there is a lack of intimacy and we don't even sleep in the same bed. The last time we were intimate (it was in January of this year) it just didnt feel right - the passion was/is gone.* I just need some advice before I make the next step.


Forget about the gaming for a second. You don't sleep in the same bed and haven't had sex since January. 

I hate to see this @cms01 but your husband sounds completely emotionally detached. He may actually like the idea of divorce.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

It would be nice to know you dynamic before. Sounds to ms like he's escaping into these games. The reason is, because he didn't play them much before. 

You mentioned you dont have any support system or friends and such. When did they move away? Before or after he got this job? What did he do before the night shift job, and why did he take the night shift job? Does he like it, or hate it? 

Obviously whatever his deal is, he is hurting you. I guess I'm wondering if something hurt him first. It just seems strange to all the sudden at 36 take up gaming that hardcore and never really want to do anything else. I know when I was playing long hours its because I didn't like my life so much and I've always hated myself. So I could become another character and "live" a fun life. Then the game shuts off and its back to a job I hated, working completely unfulfilled, wife at the time was working and going to school so we hardly saw each other. When we did she was obviously tired. This was before kids as well. Our schedules never matched up, and when they did I didn't care. I was hurting that life was so empty. Crap job, suck ass boss, suck ass pay, no social life, and when my wife was off, like you she didn't have any other friends really. So I had to be her entire support system, not just her husband... Clean, cook, all the extra crap too. Now to top that off, again, she was exhausted from school and work. So she was irritable. So even when I would go the extra mile, she would just be complaining about this or that at work, or some dumb professor not communicating well enough and causing her to struggle with a paper... The whole thing really sucked ass something fierce. Games were an escape. I could be important when I was these characters. 

Any of that sound familiar? Maybe he's in a serious hole and he's dragging your marriage down with him. That's on him, but maybe he needs some help switching his life up too. Not just an ultimatum with the video game playing. 

Just spitballing here, don't take offense if I'm off on any of that.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Since you are getting nowhere, I would tell him to cut down on his gaming or you are going to divorce him. Because he is married to his console, not you. What's the point of being married if you are not getting anything out of it? It's just madness.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

I don't see how people can play VG for hours upon end. After about an hour, I'm ready to move on to

something else. But I was fortunate enough to grow up in the 70s where VG was almost obsolete. 

I don't understand why people are gaming. But maybe I would see it differently if I were born

ten years later. My addiction is baseball cards, mostly vintage ones. Often when I spend time

with this hobby, I do it in the same room as g/f. We still interact while I do what I need to do.

If I get too deep into it for too long, she will mention it. Same thing with me and her hobbies.

I'm guessing his gaming room is not your bedroom and with 3rd / 1st shift sleeping, he plays while

you're at work and sleeps 2nd shift, when you're at home. From experience, if you work 3rds and 

sleep 1st, you get very tired and sleepy at work. Can he get 1st at his job?

If his #1 priority is gaming.... time to sit him down and ask, if this continues, I will consider D.

I can understand different beds due to shift differences but no intimacy? That should be tabled ASAP.

He's probably gaming with his work friends..... but he is not M to his younger work buddies.

Also check his gaming devices....if he can chat through it, who is he chatting with?


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## cms01 (Apr 30, 2019)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> It would be nice to know you dynamic before. Sounds to ms like he's escaping into these games. The reason is, because he didn't play them much before.
> 
> You mentioned you dont have any support system or friends and such. When did they move away? Before or after he got this job? What did he do before the night shift job, and why did he take the night shift job? Does he like it, or hate it?
> 
> ...


Oh no offense taken and thanks for the feedback....yea my husband doesn't like his job (he works in a medical lab) and i honestly think he doesn't like his life...I wonder sometimes why he even wanted to marry me. I think his gaming is definitely a way for him to escape from life and acting like a grown up. I'm always cleanig up after him and cleaning the house and his excuse is that he's tired from work though he's able to do gaming. When he worked the day shift, we did things together - there was more of a union and we had a sex life. Now everything just seems bland and I find myself questioning my reason for being married to him.

My friends moved right after i got married and he took the night shift (in 2016) because that was all they had for the dept he applied for. At first he didnt like it, but he says he's gotten used to it. When he complains about work, I'm always a lending ear and there for him emotionally...but when i wanna talk to him about things, he's off in his gaming world (he plays League of Legends)...I've actually sat down in the living room and noticed that he sat at his customized gaming desk for about 5 hours straight....it's ridiculous.


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## cms01 (Apr 30, 2019)

Chuck71 said:


> I don't see how people can play VG for hours upon end. After about an hour, I'm ready to move on to
> 
> something else. But I was fortunate enough to grow up in the 70s where VG was almost obsolete.
> 
> ...


His gmaing room is now the living room..it used to be the bedroom but I complained about it when he would play late at night on weekends while I was trying to sleep. And yes, he plays his games with his work friends and he's even start to talk like them (using weird slang). And he does chat with them using an app called Discord. And with his work shift, he isn't able to get a 1st shift (he works in a medical lab handling specimens and lab work). The only hobby I have at the moment is painting, but I'm able to at least put that down and do things...with the gaming, he plays non stop and isn't attentive to his surroundings.


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## cms01 (Apr 30, 2019)

personofinterest said:


> Prior to your husband's gaming, what was your marriage like? What was your relationship with your husband like? Prior to his heavy involvement with gaming, did your husband have specific complaints question nor did he seem to think that you were a nag or a pest or unpleasant? Since there are implications that your husband is ignoring you because you are unpleasant or that you have built some sort of altar you expect him to worship at, I'm trying to ascertain if any of this is the case. Would you like your husband to worship at your altar, or do you just want a companion and partner who will be a husband and father and spin time with you? Is there truth to the idea that you are completely unpleasant, or could your husband in fact being the gleck ting you in favor of gaming? Some of this is tongue in cheek, but underneath it would be helpful to know what the dynamic of your marriage relationship was like before gaming entered the picture.


before the gaming, we would do things outside the house (nothing crazy...mostly outdoorsy things and movies). I was never a nag, but now I feel like one because of the gaming and me cleaning up after him. I feel like he's really let himself go...he doesn't even shave his face anymore (he can grow a gnarly beard) though he complains that he looks like a homeless person lol.
I just want my husband to be a husband...I was never an attention ***** or wanting his undivided attention. And i don't ask much of him, though it would be nice if he clean up after himself (stop leaving dirty clothes on floor and washing the dishes after i cook).


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

personofinterest said:


> ) "it isn't possible for your husband to be solely responsible for the success of your marriage nor solely to blame for the failure of your marriage."
> 
> Oh no sweetie, you are absolutely wrong. It is entirely possible for one spouse to wreck a marriage.


And quoted AGAIN for truth.


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## cms01 (Apr 30, 2019)

EleGirl said:


> @cms01
> 
> What are your husband's complaints about you and/or your relationship?
> 
> Has he said anything to you about why he's not having sex with you and/or what to spend time with you?


He's honestly never complained about me with anything...and I'm not perfect.
He mentioned the lack of sex before (why haven't we had sex in so long?...he'll say it jokingly). Before we were married and before we dated, he says he was abstinent.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

So, you're basically "raising" a lazy ass 14 year old man-child because he hasn't acted like a husband in a long long time. And because he's not happy with the choices he's made, he refuses to participate in *real *life and be an adult and instead, acts like a childish fool playing his video games every single waking moment of his day when he's home.

The character of Peter Pan is described as follows:*A free-spirited and mischievous young boy who can fly and never grows up, Peter Pan spends his never-ending childhood having adventures on the mythical island of Neverland....

*​That's your husband. A little boy who refuses to grow the hell up. His "Neverland" is his video games.

So who's cleaning Peter Pan's house for him? Who's making sure the bills are paid? Who's scrubbing the toilet and shower and mopping the bathroom floor? Who's making sure he has clean towels in the bathroom, shampoo, deodorant, soap, toilet paper and Tylenol in the medicine chest when he needs it? Who's seeing to it that his favorite beer or soda is always stocked, his favorite cookies and crackers and chips are always in the drawer, and that there's already bread - and sandwich makings - available when Peter Pan wants a snack during his awesome gaming experience and you're not there to pander to him and make it?

Who's cooking dinner every night and/or packing lunch for him to bring to work every day? Who's doing the food shopping and who's doing the laundry so Mr. Self Entitled has clean drawers to wear when he goes looking for them? Who's cleaning the kitchen and dusting the living room and vacuuming the house and mopping the floors and sweeping the porch and cleaning the windows and everything ELSE that has to be done in your house?

I'm willing to bet the answer is *"you."* YOU'RE doing all that while he sits on his dead ass and treats your house like a hotel where he's merely a guest and you're the maid, the housekeeper, the laundress and the cook.

He brings absolutely NOTHING to the table. *Nothing* whatsoever.

I'd give him *3 months* to clean his act up or he's out. I'm not kidding. You've already set a very ugly precedent cleaning up after this slob while he sits there letting you do it. You're doing everything for him while he contributes NOTHING n return. Tell him he can start with a visit to the doctor to have his blood checked and his general health checked to rule out something physical. He sounds depressed if I'm being honest. Seems everyone is depressed nowadays and taking pills, so it's not such a big deal for him to ask his doctor if he thinks he should be on AD's.

Lastly, I'd be letting him know the free ride is OVER and there will now be a division of chores as it always should have been. You're working outside the house and so is he - so you both have a 50% SHARE of the chores to be done inside the house. Why the hell is it all on YOU to do *100%* of the work inside your home while he gets to sit on his dead ass - is it just because you're female? You need to put a stop to that stinkin' thinkin' REAL quick.

I'd give him 3 months or he - along with his lame gaming console and his all his dirty laundry - are gone.


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## cms01 (Apr 30, 2019)

personofinterest said:


> Just a stab in the dark, but is it possible that your husband doesn't realize how much time he is spending on games? I know my own kids are both into video games, and sometimes they are shocked to discover they have played for 7 or 8 hours straight. They can be so engrossing that time gets away. That doesn't make it OK, but maybe he doesn't realize just how huge the chunks of time are?


yea, he definitely doesn' t realize the amout of time that passes by when he does gamining.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I would do a trial separation at an attempt to wake his butt up. Feeling neglected is a terrible feeling, I’m sorry your going through this.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

What a sad situation.

Who do you think he has been having sex with for the last 8 months? Does he chat with girls over Discord? Have you ever checked?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Stop doing for him. Deposit his clothes onto his bed if they're in the public areas. Stop doing his laundry. Stop buying him his favorite groceries. Stop cooking for him. Only buy groceries that have to be cooked. Don't launder his sheets.

He wants to live like a single guy - show him what a single guy has to do for himself. Get yourself out of the house on his days off and leave him to game.

Let him pick through the clothes on the floor to figure out what to wear to work that stinks the least. He has to arrive at the conclusion that the gaming is affecting his life.


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## cms01 (Apr 30, 2019)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> So, you're basically "raising" a lazy ass 14 year old man-child because he hasn't acted like a husband in a long long time. And because he's not happy with the choices he's made, he refuses to participate in *real *life and be an adult and instead, acts like a childish fool playing his video games every single waking moment of his day when he's home.
> 
> The character of Peter Pan is described as follows:*A free-spirited and mischievous young boy who can fly and never grows up, Peter Pan spends his never-ending childhood having adventures on the mythical island of Neverland....
> 
> ...


Yea he's basically a man child...in the past he says he was depressed because of his job and not being happy there, so he switched jobs and still isn't happy.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

It might be interesting to inform him that you’re not going to remain celibate just because he is.


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## cms01 (Apr 30, 2019)

Marduk said:


> It might be interesting to inform him that you’re not going to remain celibate just because he is.


yea, and I'm tired of relying on masturbation


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## cms01 (Apr 30, 2019)

Spicy said:


> What a sad situation.
> 
> Who do you think he has been having sex with for the last 8 months? Does he chat with girls over Discord? Have you ever checked?


He showed me the Discord app a few times and he says he's chatting with his guy friends. 
And I know he's been masturbating a lot more because I find discard ed hardened tissue under the living room couch (disgusting I know).


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

You need to have a brutally honest conversation with him. He’s at a different stage in life than his younger, single co-workers. He needs to stop gaming (or limit it greatly) and have sex with his wife. He can tell them that he’s ***** whipped, that’s fine. The old ball-and-chain is making him act like a man. But he chose to be married and this is not a marriage.

If he won’t change, you will divorce him and let everyone know publicly (in the divorce papers) that you had this discussion and he choose playing online games and masturbating like a 14 yo boy over his wedding vows. Take some pictures of the jizzed tissues and tell him that they will be exhibits in the divorce.


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## cms01 (Apr 30, 2019)

Girl_power said:


> I would do a trial separation at an attempt to wake his butt up. Feeling neglected is a terrible feeling, I’m sorry your going through this.


yea it's not a good feeling...I think separation would be my next option.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

cms01 said:


> yea it's not a good feeling...I think separation would be my next option.




Hopefully you can shock him and scare him into appreciating you and realizing what he has! There is always a possibility of change, but it has to come from them. Good luck, you deserve better.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

cms01 said:


> yea it's not a good feeling...I think separation would be my next option.




“Husband, this marriage isn’t working for me. I’m not going to stay in it, feel alone, and stay celibate any longer. You have three choices: we can divorce, we can have an open marriage, or we can start being a couple again, which I would prefer. That means you do X, we do Y, and Z happens. If you don’t pick, or don’t stand by your choice, then I have no choice but to divorce. I’m giving you a day to think it over.” And then walk away.

I’d suggest X = ensure he limits video game time to however many hours a week you think is appropriate. That he cleans up after himself (gross!) That he gets his crap done around the house. That kind of stuff.

Y = therapy, date nights, sleep in the same bed, that kind of thing.

Z = you feel important and valued to him.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

PS I have a buddy that I just found out has been sleeping in another bed for 5 years. No romance, no sex, no nothing. 

They’ve been in therapy, he wouldn’t make her feel valued or get her motor running. She did stuff too, but at least she appeared to want to change that.

So they decided to divorce. Pretty much the next day, she started banging other guys. Many of them quite young. She has many of them on the go and is having a ball dating, getting attention paid to her, and is having lots of dirty sex. 

He’s shocked. He thought she didn’t like sex. Turns out, all he had to do was take her out occasionally, pay attention to her, and THEN have sex with her... that wasn’t boring.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

cms01 said:


> He showed me the Discord app a few times and he says he's chatting with his guy friends.
> And I know he's been masturbating a lot more because I find discard ed hardened tissue under the living room couch (disgusting I know).


:redcard::redcard::redcard::redcard::redcard:

This is a red flag

So he is masturbating where he is gaming. I would look into EXACTLY who he is chatting with. Because I'm thinking chatting with buddies about alliances and swords probably isn't what is arousing him


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

personofinterest said:


> :redcard::redcard::redcard::redcard::redcard:
> 
> This is a red flag
> 
> So he is masturbating where he is gaming. I would look into EXACTLY who he is chatting with. Because I'm thinking chatting with buddies about alliances and swords probably isn't what is arousing him


Precisely. Games that use chat are rife with cheating. Time to investigate. QUIETLY.


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## cms01 (Apr 30, 2019)

Marduk said:


> “Husband, this marriage isn’t working for me. I’m not going to stay in it, feel alone, and stay celibate any longer. You have three choices: we can divorce, we can have an open marriage, or we can start being a couple again, which I would prefer. That means you do X, we do Y, and Z happens. If you don’t pick, or don’t stand by your choice, then I have no choice but to divorce. I’m giving you a day to think it over.” And then walk away.
> 
> I’d suggest X = ensure he limits video game time to however many hours a week you think is appropriate. That he cleans up after himself (gross!) That he gets his crap done around the house. That kind of stuff.
> 
> ...


thanks for the feedback...I honestly don't think he'll give up his gaming for me. But I will throw the x,y and z ultimatums at him and see how it goes...thanks.


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## cms01 (Apr 30, 2019)

Blondilocks said:


> Stop doing for him. Deposit his clothes onto his bed if they're in the public areas. Stop doing his laundry. Stop buying him his favorite groceries. Stop cooking for him. Only buy groceries that have to be cooked. Don't launder his sheets.
> 
> He wants to live like a single guy - show him what a single guy has to do for himself. Get yourself out of the house on his days off and leave him to game.
> 
> Let him pick through the clothes on the floor to figure out what to wear to work that stinks the least. He has to arrive at the conclusion that the gaming is affecting his life.


Strangely when Im picking up his clothes from floor, I remind him that he's not single anymore and not living in a single household.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

cms01 said:


> Yea he's basically a man child...in the past he says he was depressed because of his job and not being happy there, so he switched jobs and still isn't happy.


Thene it is time for counseling and not excuses. Is the video game console in the trash yet?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

cms01 said:


> Strangely when Im picking up his clothes from floor, I remind him that he's not single anymore and not living in a single household.




And yet you pick up the clothes. 

His life sounds pretty easy. Maybe it’s time to change that.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

personofinterest said:


> ) "it isn't possible for your husband to be solely responsible for the success of your marriage nor solely to blame for the failure of your marriage."
> 
> Oh no sweetie, you are absolutely wrong. It is entirely possible for one spouse to wreck a marriage.


I was just about to post this exact thing! :wink2:


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

People here say that both spouses are 50% responsible for the problems in a marriage, but a cheating spouse is 100% responsible for cheating. 

Doesn’t that mean that W is 50% responsible for the marriage breakdown?


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

cms01 said:


> Strangely when Im picking up his clothes from floor, I remind him that he's not single anymore and not living in a single household.


I think he told you a lie. He told you he wanted a W but in truth, he wants a mom. If you allow this to

continue, resentment will grow. Communication breaks down and.... soon after, DDay.


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## Carburatedexcuses (Jun 4, 2019)

Don’t get all your counseling here. Go see one together before you file. If you don’t you are just getting validation for what you want to do. Five years is a good amount of time and you can’t possibly have revealed all the relationship dynamics and compromises of that time in the few paragraphs you’ve shown us. The separation method of getting attention for the issue can be valid but it can also backfire. It’s like a cop pulling a gun. If the subject the cop pulled a gun on doesn’t de escalate there is only one possible ending. Escalate changes by steps.

A good counselor can help tease out the relationship dynamics that brought you here. Some of them will be yours. These are important to understand because if there is another relationship after this you need to understand your part in it when that one starts going a different way than it started. 

His mind is most certainly stuck in a rut and it’s not your fault, he got there slowly and didn’t realize he was crawling down an addiction hole. He doesn’t realize he’s stuck in a time sucking meaningless pleasure trap right now. I don’t think he’s cheating but he’s vulnerable to it with the wrong person comes along right now. He’s in an empty calorie mind prison and needs to be rescued. He’s still the same guy from a few years ago.

There is a proverb in the Bible that goes something like this: “one person sharpens another as iron sharpens iron.” 

What it DOES NOT say is 1. Iron sharpens itself by itself. 2. The iron enjoys the sharpening process. Get ready for sparks to fly. If you want to make an omelette you’ve got to break a few eggs. Only hungry people have clean kitchens.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

CraigBesuden said:


> People here say that both spouses are 50% responsible for the problems in a marriage, but a cheating spouse is 100% responsible for cheating.
> 
> Doesn’t that mean that W is 50% responsible for the marriage breakdown?


 Um…. no sir, it does not. Besides, the fact that people here say that does not make it true for either spouse.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You're married to a man child. The only one keeping yourself in this will be you.

IMO I'd dump his ass and move on.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

cms01 said:


> thanks for the feedback...I honestly don't think he'll give up his gaming for me. But I will throw the x,y and z ultimatums at him and see how it goes...thanks.


How's it going today, @cms01?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

cms01 said:


> And I know he's been masturbating a lot more because I find discard ed hardened tissue under the living room couch (disgusting I know).


You mention that you rely yourself on masturbation. As difficult as this sounds, you need to have an open and honest conversation about this exact topic. Share with him how often you do it and then let him know you have found evidence of him doing it as well. It is not a topic to feel ashamed about. So tell him you will share any details of how you do things on your own and what you think about while doing it. Encourage him to do the same for you.

If you open up with each other about this topic it can offer an opportunity to reconcile things. If your husband is closed to this discussion and has no interests in your solo sexual behavior, then that is a huge problem. Relationships are based on trust and communication. If you can't trust each other and communicate about the status of sex in your marriage, then you have a serious problem. 

At the end of the day this sounds like a horrible situation to be in. 

An easy topic to discuss would be the overall goals of your marriage. Ask him where he sees the marriage in ten years from now. Ask him if he wants children. Ask him if he wants to move to a different location/house. So on and so on. This may help give the marriage more purpose. 

Best wishes,
Badsanta


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## cms01 (Apr 30, 2019)

Marduk said:


> How's it going today, @cms01?


Didn't get to talk much to him the past 2 days...I was away visiting my mother (she knows nothing about my marriage woes only because I dont wanna stress her out with this, but at the same time she knows things aren't perfect). This weekend will be the time for me have the talk with him...hopefully


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

cms01 said:


> Didn't get to talk much to him the past 2 days...I was away visiting my mother (she knows nothing about my marriage woes only because I dont wanna stress her out with this, but at the same time she knows things aren't perfect). This weekend will be the time for me have the talk with him...hopefully


Plan it out. Script it if you have to. And be safe - either do it in a public place or have a quick exit strategy.


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## cms01 (Apr 30, 2019)

badsanta said:


> You mention that you rely yourself on masturbation. As difficult as this sounds, you need to have an open and honest conversation about this exact topic. Share with him how often you do it and then let him know you have found evidence of him doing it as well. It is not a topic to feel ashamed about. So tell him you will share any details of how you do things on your own and what you think about while doing it. Encourage him to do the same for you.
> 
> If you open up with each other about this topic it can offer an opportunity to reconcile things. If your husband is closed to this discussion and has no interests in your solo sexual behavior, then that is a huge problem. Relationships are based on trust and communication. If you can't trust each other and communicate about the status of sex in your marriage, then you have a serious problem.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the feedback...I've never had a discussion with him about me masturbating, but we have discussed our marriage goals in the past (we wanted to move into a different house and possibly have children....the latter though seems very bleak of ever happening due to the lack of sex and overrall relationship).


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## cms01 (Apr 30, 2019)

Marduk said:


> Plan it out. Script it if you have to. And be safe - either do it in a public place or have a quick exit strategy.


hmmm that's something that worries me too, is his reaction. He's not mild tempered and I've had a vision of myself writing him a Dear John letter and simply leaving, BUT I know that wouldn't be the right way to do things.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

cms01 said:


> hmmm that's something that worries me too, is his reaction. He's not mild tempered and I've had a vision of myself writing him a Dear John letter and simply leaving, BUT I know that wouldn't be the right way to do things.


Has he ever been violent to you? Have you ever been physically fearful of him?


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## cms01 (Apr 30, 2019)

Marduk said:


> Has he ever been violent to you? Have you ever been physically fearful of him?


No he's never been physical or violent with me, but he has gotten angry in the past to the point where I felt unnerved mostly from yelling matches we had at the beginning of the marriage.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

cms01 said:


> hmmm that's something that worries me too, is his reaction. He's not mild tempered and I've had a vision of myself writing him a Dear John letter and simply leaving, BUT I know that wouldn't be the right way to do things.


Nothing in your posts lead me to believe you want a fix or to work on things. Seems like you want to leave but dont want to be the bad guy and want validation for wanting to leave. Even that most recent post. He's never hit you but you feel unnerved at yelling arguments. Sheesh. Just leave him. Who gives a **** what people online think?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

cms01 said:


> Thanks for the feedback...I've never had a discussion with him about me masturbating, but we have discussed our marriage goals in the past (we wanted to move into a different house and possibly have children....the latter though seems very bleak of ever happening due to the lack of sex and overrall relationship).


You could start the conversation by asking if the idea of one day having children and moving into a different house is something he wants to do or if it is something he just thinks everyone is supposed to do. 

Marriages take *TEAMWORK!* You should then ask him what things about your marriage make you a good team as well as the things that get in the way of that. 

Then you can transition into problems you feel about emotional and physical closeness to one another. If you are brave enough at this time you can mention that you always have to take care of your physical desires alone and mention you are aware that he does the same. Ask why the two of you don't make a good team for working together a little better in that department. 

As other posters say, it is not obvious if you are looking to reconcile or validate yourself for leaving. I always try to help people reconcile and think positive, but sometimes a bad situation is what it is when no one is willing to change or at least try to work as a team to address problems together. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

cms01 said:


> No he's never been physical or violent with me, but he has gotten angry in the past to the point where I felt unnerved mostly from yelling matches we had at the beginning of the marriage.




Ok. Still have an exit strategy and still make sure you stay safe. Even if it means you have your phone on speaker to a friend even if he doesn’t know it, or a friend waiting outside. 

Make the conversation short and sweet and then get away from him. Give everyone time to cool off.


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## cms01 (Apr 30, 2019)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> Nothing in your posts lead me to believe you want a fix or to work on things. Seems like you want to leave but dont want to be the bad guy and want validation for wanting to leave. Even that most recent post. He's never hit you but you feel unnerved at yelling arguments. Sheesh. Just leave him. Who gives a **** what people online think?


Yea you're right...I don't wanna be the bad guy


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## cms01 (Apr 30, 2019)

Marduk said:


> Ok. Still have an exit strategy and still make sure you stay safe. Even if it means you have your phone on speaker to a friend even if he doesn’t know it, or a friend waiting outside.
> 
> Make the conversation short and sweet and then get away from him. Give everyone time to cool off.


yea thanks...i will more than likely plan ahead before having "the talk" with him.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

cms01 said:


> Yea you're right...I don't wanna be the bad guy


If you are done, you're just done. Don't worry about feeling like the bad guy or anything similar. We tell people all the time on here that it takes both parties to work towards fixing their marriage. Usually we say that to tell the person to stop working their buns off to fix what they can't. But it applies to you as well. If you simply don't want the marriage to work deep down, just get out. Go see a lawyer asap. That's really the kindest thing you can do for everyone involved. No kids even... just go see a lawyer.

Here's the other thing, you are younger? Also, you don't have kids? Do you want kids? If yes, is this a matter of "he isn't father material"? Just curious ...


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## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

cms01 said:


> Hi Everyone, I've been married for 5 years now, going on 6 yrs in November - no children. My husband has developed a deep interest in video games and has been working the night shift for 3 years. On weekends when he has off, he will spend his time playing video games and then he will sleep. I've made numerous efforts to try and have him do things with me like going to the park and taking walks, hiking, movies, etc., but he makes his gaming more of a priority in addition to hanging out with his gaming friends (he works with these same friends too, who are much younger than him and are not married - my husband is 37 and these friends are in their mid to late 20's.) But this gaming thing is really aggravating and i've expressed this to him on numerous occassions, but it's like he turns a deaf ear. I'm not sure what to do at this point, though I have considered walking out. And not only is the gaming an issue, but there is a lack of intimacy and we don't even sleep in the same bed. The last time we were intimate (it was in January of this year) it just didnt feel right - the passion was/is gone. I just need some advice before I make the next step.


I did not read the entire post but I always find it shocking how people can stay in what should be an intimate relationship without any shred of a sex life. A 37 year old guy that does not want to have sex with you and spends his life gaming? Barring the fact he has a medical condition, Is this who you want in your life........


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## cms01 (Apr 30, 2019)

482 said:


> I did not read the entire post but I always find it shocking how people can stay in what should be an intimate relationship without any shred of a sex life. A 37 year old guy that does not want to have sex with you and spends his life gaming? Barring the fact he has a medical condition, Is this who you want in your life........


I've asked myself that a lot...it's definitely not easy being in a marriage with no intimacy.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

cms01 said:


> I've asked myself that a lot...it's definitely not easy being in a marriage with no intimacy.


Sometimes you're the frog, and you don't realize it until you're fully boiled.


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## DoesItGetBetter? (Aug 16, 2019)

personofinterest said:


> :redcard::redcard::redcard::redcard::redcard:
> 
> This is a red flag
> 
> So he is masturbating where he is gaming. I would look into EXACTLY who he is chatting with. Because I'm thinking chatting with buddies about alliances and swords probably isn't what is arousing him


cms01 - 7 months have passed since the two of you had sex. You found proof that he has been "relieving" himself next to the computer. Your husband may very well be in communication with or having electronic-only affairs with other women. You may want to engage the services of a private investigator or an IT expert to see what exactly your husband has been doing on the computer. The computer should be able to be analyzed while he is away at work, without him knowing.


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