# Emails from ex



## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

My ex has estranged me from my kids. And they are too old to do anything in court with, they are 23 and almost 15. I've talked to every therapist, lawyer, and custody and access source in town, they will not enforce or maintain access for a child nearly 15. 

My question is about my ex. He continues to email me hurtful things, denying his affair, denying poisoning the kids against me. His emails are under the guise of updates about the kids. 


This from a man who verbally abused me, locked me out of my house, locked me out of our cottage and will not give me the keys, tells the kids constantly that they can't get groceries and he's going to have another heart attack because I won't free up the funds. Our dd recently was thrown out of her HS because she skipped so many classes. He did not mention that in his 'updates'. When she was in hospital for 3 days he did not tell me until she had been in there until the 3rd day, then he gave me ten minutes to visit her, his rules. I stayed all day until the doctor came in. I offered to meet the VP of her school with him and he said dd didn't want me there. So there was to be no meeting. 

I've been told to block his emails. All they do is distress me. But I am worried that if I do he will have another weapon against me with the kids. He will tell them that their mother does not want his updates about them. 

He left me a Christmas card in my mailbox in December. I didn't thank him for it, so he emailed me that the kids were really wondering why I did not acknowledge his card. 

His latest email details that he knows I have a major depressive disorder and he is going to help me with it. 

I want him no where near me. 

Should I find a way to block his emails, or just try not to read them? 

A friend has my email password and screens them, but every few weeks I get tempted and look at them. I don't respond to them unless it's something legal or tax related.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

The courts have decided that your kids should be treated as adults, so perhaps you should do the same? By that, I mean set up communication channels with them direct. You can email and call them, they can do the same, and no ex as the middleman to manipulate.

C


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

Along the lines of what PBear suggests, I would establish a line of communication with the children. Be clear that you are very much so interested in their lives and being a part of that. Make it clear that your ex, their father, and yourself need have no further communication though outside of lawyers as you're no longer in a relationship together.

Then I would document the sort of communications you're receiving from your ex. Ask your lawyer to send an angry lawyer letter to your ex and his lawyer requesting all communication remain focused on the children, their welfare and are, and nothing else. You could accomplish this with an R3 if you don't wish to use a lawyer but be sure it's well written. Professional. Direct. No threats, promises, etc. No emotion. Then if it continues, use the documentation and R3 to move for a restraining order.



> X,
> 
> Find enclosed, copies of communications I've received from you recently. Little of these communications have been directed towards the welfare, care or needs of our children.
> 
> ...


Identify the contents of the envelope.
Identify the problem. 
Identify the resolution and your desire to communicate with them directly. 
Tell him to stop.

Don't define anything. No "I think" or "I feel". Don't threaten court, etc. Problem. Don't do it anymore. Solution. End.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

indiecat said:


> I've been told to block his emails. All they do is distress me. But I am worried that if I do he will have another weapon against me with the kids. He will tell them that their mother does not want his updates about them.


Seriously? How can anything he says to them be any worse than what he's already said?

Grow a pair, choose someone to be your intermediary, and have his phone number and email rerouted to that person automatically. Your IM will read the messages and inform you if something needs to be addressed.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

have a guy as go-between....a guy from church, work, anyone

trust me, he doesn't have the balls to show his arse in front of a guy

you let happen, what you allow, for your own PoM, get order of

protection. He likes these games, STOP the games

he is not used to you standing up for yourself and kids

watch what he does, not what he says

I am very sorry you are in this situation


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

thanks TAM, I post to try to help others

and you pop up a Kotex ad..... seriously? If you need cash

just ask 

indi you can delete this if you wish


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

chuck, good point. Make your IM a MAN. He will run for the hills.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Since you have proof of all of this, have you considered calling your attorney and filing for an emergency temporary custody hearing and present your evidence? Ask that, during this temporary custody time, daughter be blocked from father, father cannot make any contact and ask the courts to order all of you to participate in a complete psychological evaluation. With the recent developments with daughter, I think you might get that. Yes, she'll hate you. For now. Then do the pscyh eval and explain what is going on. I have tons of information to assist the psychologist - there is now a DSM code for alienation but it's tied to parents with personality disorders (think trickle-down effect) so your ex has to be diagnosed, too - and i think if you tell the psych what your concerns are and what you 'found' on the internet (that I give you), you have a very strong case for getting her home and refusing him access for a period of time until she makes progress.

That is the psychological protocol - separate the minor from the adult until the minor can gain some perspective (no black/white thinking about target parent), otherwise therapy is useless.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

I keep being told that at almost 15 the judge will let her decide. I've been told that the police will not force her to stay with me, even if access or custody is ordered. I really, really wish she was younger and I had had the sense to leave sooner. 

I like the idea of the male IM, he is very much afraid of other men. And the letter from the lawyer.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

indiecat said:


> I keep being told that at almost 15 the judge will let her decide. I've been told that the police will not force her to stay with me, even if access or custody is ordered. I really, really wish she was younger and I had had the sense to leave sooner.
> 
> I like the idea of the male IM, he is very much afraid of other men. And the letter from the lawyer.


What you've been given is muddy answers. In most states, starting at about that age, the judge will hear the minor child's wishes and based on maturity and reason of the child, their wishes will get a say or vote. 

If you can prove or demonstrate parental alienation and mental abuse on your ex's part then you have a case to reverse custody along the lines of what Enjoli is pointing out.

Law Enforcement won't do much up front for custody enforcement. It's a civil matter. They'll come out sometimes and file a report. That's the key. If you have any sort of custody/parenting schedule, exercise it. Do whatever you can to document contempt on your ex's part in participating in that order. Then after you've got enough to file a contempt charge you can request a remedy, such as additional time, penalties, new means of remediation, exchanges at the police department with PD enforcement of exchanges, etc.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The problem with forcing her to come home at 15 when she clearly has decided she hates you is that she will NOT suddenly become a model daughter. In fact, if she is 'forced' to live with you at this age and leave her comfort zone and friends (maybe even school? don't remember the distance), she will be 10 times more likely to take drugs, have sex, drop out of school, and/or run away.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

malp's right. the judge may speak to 15 y/o in chambers alone.

Ind when you stop the fear, you cut off his power

the kids can sense you are scared and feed off of it

do you have a brother, cousin.... any male figure

who can random check or stay with you for awhile

if I see this correct, he will get drunk and show his arse

and if you are prepared, he will get arrested 

there's a good bet he will listen to a judge

and if poetic justice is smiling, the judge will be a female


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

turnera said:


> The problem with forcing her to come home at 15 when she clearly has decided she hates you is that she will NOT suddenly become a model daughter. In fact, if she is 'forced' to live with you at this age and leave her comfort zone and friends (maybe even school? don't remember the distance), she will be 10 times more likely to take drugs, have sex, drop out of school, and/or run away.


:iagree:

can you make a deal with her to "spend the summer" with you

assess the situation two weeks before school resumes


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

She wants nothing to do with me. She texted me that I am going to give her father another heart attack because I don't give him enough money. He had a heart scare recently and she and my son and son's gf took turns holding his hand in ER. 

He rules by playing the heart card, he had a bad MI in 2008. And he plays the money card as well. 

I've been told that the custody order is not worth the paper it would be written on. The police will not enforce it, the courts will not hold him in contempt due to her age. I spoke with the access and custody people in my city that enforce these orders. 

I will tell him that the intermediary for his emails is a man, I just have to think of which man to do this. 

Her latest FB post to me says 'eat s$%t c$%t'. She goes on how her dad is the greatest and I abandoned him'.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

indie, sometimes you just have to write people off. Even your own child. The longer you try to be in her life, the more power she feels in trashing you. Just walk away.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

you can lead them to water but to drink is their choice

don't "cut her off" but just back away, observe

if you're already painted as the a-hole.... let it go

all of this will come out in the wash as my granny always said

she will want momma for something.... probably sooner than you

think....just enjoy a mommy break till then


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Thanks, she is of an age where I just can't force her. And if I did proceed we would be looking at a year of two in court, making her 16 or 17. I should never have let her cheating father back in 4 years ago, but that is water under the bridge and I have to let the self punishment over that go or go nuts. My choice I know.

I have worked very hard over the years to advocate for her in school, hire tutors, take her for learning assessments. Did tons of biking, hiking with her. Maybe I do need to just let things play out. 

Despite what she says, I did not abandon her. She came with me when I left and chose not to stay. I can't see that as abandonment of a child regardless of the spin my ex puts on it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

indie, clear your PMs.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

more than likely, your H offered something to your D that you would

not allow her to do. that is how people like him think.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Yes Chuck, he offered her piercings which I would not permit until age of 18, allows her to cuss, because he cusses too, and 'it's cool'. She is also bragging on Facebook that she likes pot. There is no way he can't smell it on her. She stays up late on school nights, she knows I had a curfew. 
It's so depressing to think that man has won them over in such ways that a good parent would never do. 
I'd go back if I felt I could survive the atmosphere, but I'm just the punching bag now.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Parental alienation syndrome.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Do not beat yourself up. Most kids her age would chose him too.

Stay up late, cuss, act the Brittany "bad-a$$," drink, smoke weed

She is not thinking long term but kids that age aren't expected to

anymore. The school year's about over, she knows she passed, now 

she gets to be a "grown up girl" for the summer. When school resumes,

wait until the first report cards come out. She will want momma again.

After failing every subject but an elective and P.E. I know it's hard 

watching her fall down this rabbit hole but you tried warning her. My

parents would warn me, if I thought I was smarter than them :lol:

they would just watch while I walked right into a screw up, just like 

they said I would. It's tough love. Oh..... don't feel bad one bit for

leaving. If he hit you..... that is probably the type of guy your D will

attempt to date. Does this sound familiar, "But he hits me out of frustration.

He doesn't mean to hurt me."


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

The courts CAN force her if you can get a psychological evaluation of your ex. It's NOT too late. Don't ever let her think you've given up on her! If you act NOW, She'll have a couple years to come around before she's an adult. The judge WILL place her in your custody and the psychologist who does the evaluation can recommend weekly counseling which the judge can then order you to take her. Weekly counseling plus being separated from the alienating parent can bring her back. But you have to put not only the big girl panties on, but draw from your inner tough mofo.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Chuck71 said:


> Do not beat yourself up. Most kids her age would chose him too.
> 
> Stay up late, cuss, act the Brittany "bad-a$$," drink, smoke weed
> 
> ...


No, it's deeper than that now. She won't ever come back to momma willingly. Dad has brainwashed her and poisoned her against Mom. If nothing is done she may never contact her mother again and she will repeat the cycles you mention now. She'll be dating someone JUST LIKE HIM.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

I agree, just as I posted above.

When it comes to impulse reasoning by a teenager

vs. unconditional love of a mom

my money is on the mom


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