# I think my wife wants to love me and another at same time



## mbaker1991 (Jul 17, 2013)

My wife and I have been together for 3 years now. I would like to say we have a great relationship with one another and a pretty good marriage.. I thought. Last night she said she wanted to talk about something and ask me a question being a very good listener i said ok babe and we sat down. She starts off saying she doesn't want to hurt me or leave me or make me feel like she doesn't love me then she says what are your feeling on love and a man and woman can there be more then one person at a time that either of us are in love with? being a traditionalist i say i feel that only one couple should be together at a time in my opinion. she says that she believes more then one person can be in love and that not that she is going to go out there and look or anything but should she tell me if she does think she finds love with someone else and how would i react? (Not me and another person at same time in terms of intimacy together in same room, but intimacy with him and I during the same time in our life) I left it at that and said i would have to think about it. I now don't know what to do i don't want to be the suspicious husband and concerned all the time. but what if she does find someone and doesn't tell me or does tell me how do i react soooo need help.


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Your wife is either having an affair or is about to head into an affair.

You need to put your foot down and set boundaries.

Start looking through her phone, chat logs, email and computer history for signs of an affair. Start snooping, but do it quietly or she will be sneaky and take it underground. Tell her that by no means should she have relations with another man(or woman). Set your boundaries and be firm.


----------



## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

I agree with "ImInLoveWithMyHubby", your wife is either already in an affair or about to have one. What I don't understand is why you would even say, I'd have to think about it. My immediate reaction would be "That situation would be unacceptable to me and if it did happen, I would file for divorce immediately." *Think about it, she asked you if you thought it would be OK if she made you a cuckold*. That's exactly what she asked you. 

How do you react? *You react like a man who won't be a cuckold*. You tell her it's unacceptable and then you start snooping like mad; maybe even hire a PI. The minute you have evidence of an affair, you slap her with divorce papers to show her you mean business.

So my questions back to you are:
1. Where is your self respect?
2. What are you going to tell her and when?

Brace yourself, she's about to drop a bomb on you.


----------



## Michelleinmichigan (Jun 26, 2013)

You need to think about the person your wife is. That is a huge statement to make, especially if it caught you by surprise. "Oh honey, by the way I'm a swinger and it's ok if you are too." You had no idea she felt that way?

For her to sit you down and have that conversation, shows she clearly has a need to communicate with you, as in an "Almost confession" kind of way. She could simply be grooming you for something that she is interested in. Most married adults understand monogamy, unless otherwise mutually agreed upon before marriage. To put that on somebody after 3 years of marriage for no apparent reason points to a lack of conscience and/or deceptiveness.

If someone wasn't a swinger, or hid lifestyle from you, and now they want to play the field, that person doesn't truly love you. Some people don't know how to love. They don't even love themselves, so they run around looking for the next fix to fill that endless void. Does she have a dysfunctional backround? Seems to me, there are things about her you have no idea about. 

If she said these things to you simply based on her needs of self gratification or personal preference, and not other personal problems you are having, it is not good any way you look at it.

If you don't have children, I would run for the hills. People who aren't in touch with their conscience can hurt, and devastate others. Either way you need to create a little healthy distance from this person until she can prove herself trustworthy. Otherwise she will destroy you, slowly but surely.

This is based on the premise that you understood correctly, and there are no other major issues going on. There are always 2 sides to a story.


----------



## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

mbaker1991 said:


> My wife and I have been together for 3 years now. I would like to say we have a great relationship with one another and a pretty good marriage.. I thought. Last night she said she wanted to talk about something and ask me a question being a very good listener i said ok babe and we sat down. She starts off saying she doesn't want to hurt me or leave me or make me feel like she doesn't love me then she says what are your feeling on love and a man and woman can there be more then one person at a time that either of us are in love with? being a traditionalist i say i feel that only one couple should be together at a time in my opinion. she says that she believes more then one person can be in love and that not that she is going to go out there and look or anything but should she tell me if she does think she finds love with someone else and how would i react? (Not me and another person at same time in terms of intimacy together in same room, but intimacy with him and I during the same time in our life) I left it at that and said i would have to think about it. I now don't know what to do i don't want to be the suspicious husband and concerned all the time. but what if she does find someone and doesn't tell me or does tell me how do i react soooo need help.


zero reason to ask that if there is not already another person in her life.
Weightlifter will be here soon to tell you what to do to catch her, and find out exactly what is going on. Be prepared as what you are going to discover is going to suck.


----------



## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

mbaker1991 said:


> i don't want to be the suspicious husband and concerned all the time. but *what if she does find someone* and doesn't tell me or does tell me how do i react soooo need help.


That ship has sailed; she already has done. I agree with the posts above on the whole except...

This isn't a 'swinger' situation. She isn't asking if she can go and sleep with other people. She is specifically talking of being in love with more than one person.

The answer to her question: I can only remain married to someone who is in love with me and me alone. Three is one too many for a marriage.

This isn't the usual hypothetical situations a typical married couple talk about. For your own protection assume there is somebody out there. Who is it? Does she work? Got to the gym alone often?


----------



## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Cheating. Sorry man. The vets around here will come with some very valuable information to help you.


----------



## Michelleinmichigan (Jun 26, 2013)

azteca1986 said:


> That ship has sailed; she already has done. I agree with the posts above on the whole except...
> 
> This isn't a 'swinger' situation. She isn't asking if she can go and sleep with other people. She is specifically talking of being in love with more than one person.
> 
> ...


A swinger is defined as somebody who openly engages in promiscous sex, while having a partner.

Wife says potential affair with another person is ok, and is rationalizing it by saying there is "love". Just because somebody throws around the term "love" doesn't mean it isn't promiscuity. Apparently she wants to, or possibly already sleeps around with more than one man at a time. Her husband, and whoever she "loves", to her credit, she wants to do it openly. 

swing·er (swngr) n.
1. A person who engages freely in promiscuous sex.
2. A member of a couple, especially a married couple, who exchanges sexual partners.

After 3 years of mariage, saying I support affairs in marriage, is the equivalent of a "surprise we're swingers" bomb. It is all wrong, even if you throw an "with another person that we are _in love with _" in the convo.


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

A few ways to handle this:

1. I think if you would have told her you're definitely OK with it, she might have given up the other man's name last night right on the spot. It's definitely bothering her. She is having trouble finding time for the other man with you in the picture and it would be sooo much easier if you knew about it, then she could just go to see him openly or maybe have him over your house without having to find ways to lie about seeing him. So method number one is to say, "yeah, I'm all in on this, who do you have in mind?"

2. Adding to number one, you might want to go on to ask her, "are you asking me this because you found out about ___________ (fill in a girl's name)? I swear it's just sex, and it was only one time really, unless you count the oral, then it was a bunch, but I'm not in love with her, really, it was just that you weren't giving me enough at home." See how she reacts to that.

3. Do you have any idea who she's in love with? Can you check her call logs, her email, her facebook for excessive messages, messages at unusual times, lengthy calls? If so, you'll find out who she is in love with. Also you can buy a couple of voice-activated recorders and some heavy-duty Velcro, put one in her car under her seat, the other in the house where she would talk on the phone when you're not around. She's probably having the guy come over to your house, so you might want to put one under the bed and under the couch, also. Sorry.

4. You must be very, very understanding of her and her needs, too understanding, for her to even ask you such a question. One other way to handle this would be to say, "hell, no, I won't be sharing my woman with any other man, if you want another man, get the f out, I'll help you pack your sh1t into some trash bags and drive you over to the loser other man's house, where does he live? Why would you even ask me a question like that, have you lost your f'in mind? We just got married not long ago, we've only been together three years, and already you want to find somebody else to f? What's his name, really, do you think I'm THAT stupid that I can't see right through you?"


----------



## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> 4. You must be very, very understanding of her and her needs, too understanding, for her to even ask you such a question. One other way to handle this would be to say, "hell, no, I won't be sharing my woman with any other man, if you want another man, get the f out, I'll help you pack your sh1t into some trash bags and drive you over to the loser other man's house, where does he live? Why would you even ask me a question like that, have you lost your f'in mind? We just got married not long ago, we've only been together three years, and already you want to find somebody else to f? What's his name, really, do you think I'm THAT stupid that I can't see right through you?"


This! This is how you should have reacted.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

> 4. You must be very, very understanding of her and her needs, too understanding, for her to even ask you such a question. One other way to handle this would be to say, "hell, no, I won't be sharing my woman with any other man, if you want another man, get the f out, I'll help you pack your sh1t into some trash bags and drive you over to the loser other man's house, where does he live? Why would you even ask me a question like that, have you lost your f'in mind? We just got married not long ago, we've only been together three years, and already you want to find somebody else to f? What's his name, really, do you think I'm THAT stupid that I can't see right through you?"


This.


----------



## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Before you asked for advice, you knew where your marriage has gone didn't you MB. Like old Dr. McWorter would say, " I wouldn't give this patient more than six months to a year at best"


----------



## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

I agree with the posters that are telling you there is someone else. She already is in love with someone else. Thats why she bought it up.

On another note she is fooling herself if she thinks she can love two people at the same time. In EVERY instance of adultery I have ever seen where feelings are involved, the more attention and affection the other man gets the more disrepect, distance, and aloofness the husband gets at home. It can get to the point where she literally hates you just for breathing. Essentially the closer she gets to him the further away she is from you.


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

mbaker1991 said:


> My wife and I have been together for 3 years now. I would like to say we have a great relationship with one another and a pretty good marriage.. I thought. Last night she said she wanted to talk about something and ask me a question being a very good listener i said ok babe and we sat down. She starts off saying she doesn't want to hurt me or leave me or make me feel like she doesn't love me then she says what are your feeling on love and a man and woman can there be more then one person at a time that either of us are in love with? being a traditionalist i say i feel that only one couple should be together at a time in my opinion. she says that she believes more then one person can be in love and that not that she is going to go out there and look or anything but should she tell me if she does think she finds love with someone else and how would i react? (Not me and another person at same time in terms of intimacy together in same room, but intimacy with him and I during the same time in our life) I left it at that and said i would have to think about it. I now don't know what to do i don't want to be the suspicious husband and concerned all the time. but what if she does find someone and doesn't tell me or does tell me how do i react soooo need help.


mbaker,

OK, she caught you by surprise and often times when that happens, we don't always think on our feet. But you can correct that.

Sit her down and tell her you have thought about it. Admit that her statements shocked you so much that you weren't sure how to respond. Now that your mind as cleared a bit, here it is:

_"In no way would I accept you having a relationship with another man; whether it be an EA or a PA; and that will be the case as long as we're married. There's no grey area. We shared wedding vows.

You made those statements for a reason. Who is this person? Now is the time to tell me everything. If you don't, I'll have to assume the worst"._

The cat is already out of the bag so you have nothing to lose by trying to get her to confess. But if she doesn't, I agree with everyone else. Time to make yourself an expert in stealth technology.

Calling weightlifter. Code blue.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Michelleinmichigan said:


> A swinger is defined as somebody who openly engages in promiscous sex, while having a partner.
> 
> Wife says potential affair with another person is ok, and is rationalizing it by saying there is "love". Just because somebody throws around the term "love" doesn't mean it isn't promiscuity. Apparently she wants to, or possibly already sleeps around with more than one man at a time. Her husband, and whoever she "loves", to her credit, she wants to do it openly.
> 
> ...


"Forced" swingers... I guess better than being a "forced" ****.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

ReformedHubby said:


> I agree with the posters that are telling you there is someone else. She already is in love with someone else. Thats why she bought it up.
> 
> On another note she is fooling herself if she thinks she can love two people at the same time. In EVERY instance of adultery I have ever seen where feelings are involved, the more attention and affection the other man gets the more disrepect, distance, and aloofness the husband gets at home. It can get to the point where she literally hates you just for breathing. Essentially the closer she gets to him the further away she is from you.


The brain will rationalize justifications. They aren't even thinking, they are reacting. Also they are saying and doing things that sound good and look good to do and say. That's the mode they are in... "In the moment", a "cake eaters" paradise.

And yes, the brain will usually unjustify any responsibility towards the husband and wife the closer they get to the other person, and even after enough time has gone by they can even come to "hate" the spouse, it's all in the mind and the justification required to carry on the affair and give all their affections to the other person.


----------



## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

ReformedHubby said:


> In EVERY instance of adultery I have ever seen where feelings are involved, the more attention and affection the other man gets the more disrepect, distance, and aloofness the husband gets at home. It can get to the point where she literally hates you just for breathing. Essentially the closer she gets to him the further away she is from you.


Despite him getting mercy sex once in awhile, he is relegated to a roommate who had prior committed to furnishing her room and board which she wants to continue to take advantage of. I will just add that she already "hates" him in a lot of ways. I had one client that told me after she started the affair, she started hating how her husband smelled.


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

DO NOT CONFRONT IMMEDIATELY! YOU NEED TO INVESTIGATE. If you confront her now you will send her underground and she will make it 999 times harder on you.

Im resident spy / VAR goon and Im rather good at this part. There are those who will attest to this being my specialty here.

DO THIS TODAY. MOVE IT MOVE IT MOVE IT.

Buy 2 sony ICDPX312 voice activated recorders. Best Buy sells them for like 50 bucks. DO NOT BUY THE cheapies. USE LITHIUM batteries. We have examples of 25 hour recordings using them on these sony recorders. Set bit rate to 44K and sensitivity to very high or better Turn off the beep feature. Its on one of the menus.

Go to Walmart and buy heavy duty velcro.

Use the velcro to attach the var under her seat UP INSIDE. SECURE IT WELL!!!!!! So well even a big bump wont knock it off.

Put the second in whatever room she uses to talk in when you are not around.

Usual warning. If you hear another man get in her car STOP Listening and have a trusted friend tell you what went on. Knowing she is a cheat will kill you. Hearing her moan while another man is inside her will murder you to your very soul!!!!!! You are not strong enough to hear that. Dont try it. I know what I am talking about in this.

Play dumb husband for a bit. Dont drive her further underground! NO MORE CONFRONTS!! NEVER give up you get your intel from the VAR. You always got your info from a PI or someone saw them.

If you need clean up the recordings get Audacity. Its free from the internet. I have used it on var work for others here to remove things like engine noise. If needed, I have done var work for four men here. RDMU is the only one who has released some of the confidentiality. Read his second thread for my reliability and confidentiality. 

NEVER GIVE UP YOUR ELECTRONIC EVIDENCE. They were seen by a PI or something NOT your VAR!!

The ezoom GPS has been found to be easy to buy at Radio shack and useful. IE you can pay cash and hide the purchase.

Look for a burner phone. That is often why wives let the husband "see their phone"

Look for apps on her phone like words with friends. It has a non traceable texting feature.

Here are your odds.
90% Some guy is chatting her up and she likes the attention.
60% Some guy chatted her up and she is starting to fall for him
30% They are already fvcking.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

ThePheonix said:


> Despite him getting mercy sex once in awhile, he is relegated to a roommate who had prior committed to furnishing her room and board which she wants to continue to take advantage of. I will just add that she already "hates" him in a lot of ways. I had one client that told me after she started the affair, she started hating how her husband smelled.


Anytime she must be responsible to you she's going to build up anger due to resentment... It's taking her off of her train of thought in her second life.

Some people can switch back and forth rather well and even do the sex portion... The thing about it is when the original primary situation calls on them to be responsible and dedicte time, it's going to build up anger in the cheater, because it's pulling them off the reality they are enjoying their time in. Over time they will do as little as possible for the BS, even to the point of doing nothing.

Like we all have observed... Due to cheating on you, you can become "hated". "Hated" very intensly.

It's why the best thing is to let go.


----------



## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Unless you are accepting of an open marriage then your marriage is done. I agree that she is probably in an affair or is very close to being in one. You have been married only 3 years and you think your marriage has been very good. What is wrong with this picture? 

I hate to break this to you but I do not think that you really know your wife at all. It seems quite obvious that she is trying to get your permission to have sex with other men as long as she loves them. Do not have children with her.

I would seriously have you consider seeing an attorney to understand your options. I would sit her down and tell her that this would be a deal-breaker for you and you did not get married to her for her to become a married swinger. It is obvious she is trying to manipulate you into accepting this. If you do not make it crystal clear what the consequences will be to her then your marriage is over and your health will be at risk for STD's.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Before giving her any response I'd play dumb and snooping like a mad man: Keylogger, phone spoyware, VAR, GPS, phone bill, following the money...

I believe she's already doing the dirty. In the remote case she's not, at the very least she's infatuated/atracted to another man and crossed tons of mental boundaires, even it's onesided.
I believe she might have a confidant - toxic friend.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

ThePheonix said:


> Despite him getting mercy sex once in awhile, he is relegated to a roommate who had prior committed to furnishing her room and board which she wants to continue to take advantage of. I will just add that she already "hates" him in a lot of ways. I had one client that told me after she started the affair, she started hating how her husband smelled.


They're going to hate alot of things about you, also be ultra-critical. You won't be able to do anything right. They are analyzing every motion, every inflection and every action.

It will cause your stress to build up.


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

Even if she's not currently ridin' another horse, that saddle's out of the barn and she's sharpened her spurs.

Unfortunately I have to agree with others and say that the likely hood that she has already physically cheated on you is very high.

Heed the advice here of not confronting her too soon on who the OM is. Gather some intelligence first. There IS another man in her life right now. If it's not be a PA yet, it's just a matter of time... Or you giving here the OK that she just asked you for.

I'm very sorry that you age going through this.


----------



## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Your wife just planted a bomb in your marriage and lighted the fuse last night.

From now on, your marriage will never be the same. You'll now turn on your radar and that is never, ever, going to be turned off.

The sad thing about all this is your marriage is only 3 years old. It should still be in the honeymoon phase. However, your wife has already started to drifted away, if not already. 

1991? I assume you're in your early 20's. Any kids? If none, dont have any. Keep your financials separate from hers. Be prepared to move on.

Dont be afraid to lose her. If you want to stay with her, dont be afraid to lose her. Ironically, that's the best chance you have of saving your marriage.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> Even if she's not currently ridin' another horse, that saddle's out of the barn and she's sharpened her spurs.
> 
> Unfortunately I have to agree with others and say that the likely hood that she has already physically cheated on you is very high.
> 
> ...


Comfort level increasing with every interaction.


----------



## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

treyvion said:


> They're going to hate alot of things about you, also be ultra-critical. You won't be able to do anything right. They are analyzing every motion, every inflection and every action.
> 
> It will cause your stress to build up.


It basically a way of building a case to jettison your azz. "I can't continue to live with a man I hate."


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

ThePheonix said:


> It basically a way of building a case to jettison your azz. "I can't continue to live with a man I hate."


It is a case... Once they start it up, the case starts. I'd either have them to leave or leave myself. We know this how it all plays out.


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

mbaker1991 said:


> should she tell me if she does think she finds love with someone else and how would i react?





mbaker1991 said:


> I left it at that and said i would have to think about it.


She asked should she tell you. By not telling her to tell you, you have in her mind given her permission not to tell you. When you find out later that she cheated, she can now say that she discussed it with you and that any cheating after that is not cheating since she gave you the option to discuss it with her. Although this line of thinking does not make sense to most people, it makes perfect sense to someone in an affair fog.

She did not ask this out of the blue. There is someone else that she is in love with. She is probably already in an emotinal affair (EA) and is already in or about to begin a physical affair (PA). You must act now. Wake her up, go to her work, but do in now. Tell her that she needs to tell you if she has feelings for someone else no matter how you will react. Then ask her "Who is it that you have feelings for?" Ask this question and then shut up; no matter how long the silence do not speak. The first person to speak loses. Once she tell you who, ask her "Have you kissed?" again ask the questions and shut up. Then ask "Have you had any form of sex with him?" Ask her other questions that make sense in this way. Do not react to her answers at first. Once you have asked enough questions or she stops answering, tell her that she must immediately go full no contact with this other man (OM) and agree to full transpancy that includes giving you all passwords and access without complaint. Even if she does not admit to cheating, you must demand full transparent for even thinking to ask you this question.

Do not let her try to blame you for her cheating. You must be willing to end the marriage in order to have a marraige worth saving. The longer that you wait, the worse your odds get at saving the marraige long term.


----------



## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

ThePheonix said:


> Despite him getting mercy sex once in awhile, he is relegated to a roommate who had prior committed to furnishing her room and board which she wants to continue to take advantage of. I will just add that she already "hates" him in a lot of ways. I had one client that told me after she started the affair, she started hating how her husband smelled.


Interesting. My recently divorced friend pretty much knew it was over when he was having dinner with his wife and she just looked at him and blurted out. I hate the way you chew your effing food. Seriously? They were together almost a decade and all of sudden she hates the way he chews? 

Original poster don't let it get to this point. There is not room in her heart for two. Thank of her love for you like a glass of water. The more she pours in another man's cup the less there is for you. Until eventually you're left with nothing. Put a stop to this. Hopefully it isn't too late (assuming you want to fight for the relationship).


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

aug said:


> Your wife just planted a bomb in your marriage and lighted the fuse last night.
> 
> From now on, your marriage will never be the same. You'll now turn on your radar and that is never, ever, going to be turned off.
> 
> ...


That's alot of emotional pain to have to drive through continuing on with the situation. Just know what you are up for.

People HAVE gotten past these types of things and some people develop a greater respect for each other and even a better relationship. This is not the norm though.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

ReformedHubby said:


> Interesting. My recently divorced friend pretty much knew it was over when he was having dinner with his wife and she just looked at him and blurted out. I hate the way you chew your effing food. Seriously? They were together almost a decade and all of sudden she hates the way he chews?
> 
> Original poster don't let it get to this point. There is not room in her heart for two. Thank of her love for you like a glass of water. The more she pours in another man's cup the less there is for you. Until eventually you're left with nothing. Put a stop to this. Hopefully it isn't too late (assuming you want to fight for the relationship).


You smashed the analogy with the glass of water. Thats perfect. I also think of terms of room in their mind...


----------



## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Seriously? Is this what you signed up for? Ask yourself what you expected from your vows, and what BOUNDARIES you have in your own life. 

Had my wife asked me that, which is where my response frame of reference comes from, I'd've told her there's *no way *that would be OK with me. Even caught flat-footed like she caught you, that would already be something KNOWN to her. If she doesn't have that basic information on how you feel, it may be time to reassess your own life, marriage, values and boundaries. These things shouldn't be a question out of the blue three years down the road. 

You are being trickle-truthed already.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Every time I have heard of a wife having this conversation with her husband she IS ALREADY having an affair.

Women don't plant seeds or open doors on future hypotheticals like this, because in essence she is giving you an opening to cheat on and leave her for the OW. She wouldn't do that. Instead the only time she would have such a conversation is when she is already having an affair and this is her ploy to not be called out as a cheater and dumped in the street by you.

So now you know there is already another man.

You also know she's been successful in hiding him and the affair from you so far.

You have 3 options

1. Agree with her and accept being a cuckold. We will call this options - the you are insane option

2. Tell her under no circumstances would you agree to such a thing and your immediate action would be to publicly expose the affair, do anything legally available in your power to destroy the OM, and would most likely divorce her, and terminate forever even being her friend. Then immediately begin hunting for the OM.

3. Don't tell her any part of option 2, but still do it. Find the OM, expose the affair,legally destroy the OM, stop even being friendly to her, and file for D.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Oh, and to find the OM

1. Voice activated recorder under her car seat secured with Velcro.

2. Key logger on all computers she uses

3. Get phone records 

4. Check her texts

5. Check her where she is , and with whom.


----------



## Vorlon (Sep 13, 2012)

I tend to lean toward the other posters in that this is a giant red flag and it may be too late already. But ever the optimist me, I would attack this from two angles.

First ask to sit down and talk to her, act very thoughtful and calm. Tell her you would like to talk about her statement the other night. Ask her to share her thoughts and feelings on this matter a bit more. Ask her when she first began to believe she could love two men at one time? How does she feel that fits in with a marriage and the vows you took? Do not go ballistic as it would not serve you well at this point. Ask her if this is a two way street repeating her phrase of not wanting to hurt her, not planning on looking etc.. How does she envision this happening, telling family, friends, children, etc. Would there be double dating? Play this very cool but get her to reveal her plans while you take it all in. If she thinks your not mad or upset she may revel more about her plan for you so that you can then make your decision. 

At the same time you should follow Weightlifter or Shaggy's advice and snoop, bug her car and access phone records (Trust but Verify). You need to see if it is too late. 

She may be just feeling you out at this point but she may also be playing you as well. You just don't have the information to answer that yet. You need to make sure you know where you stand on this issue. Can you be OK with being her cuckold. Is she or any women really worth your self-respect? IMHO: Absolutely NOT! 

Once you know where she is at then you make it perfectly clear what your boundaries are. For me it would be totally unacceptable and clearly grounds for divorce. 

In fact the quick fix is to just cut to the chase and since she believes it is OK and you don't, just get a divorce now and save you both a lot of grief later. See quick fix to an ugly problem. 

Good Luck...


----------



## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Oh, and to find the OM
> 
> 1. Voice activated recorder under her car seat secured with Velcro.
> 
> ...




:iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think she is setting the stage, not for an affair - she's already in one or about to be in one. No, she's positioning herself to not appear as a POS cheating wife. Instead, you two will be a couple with tragically different ideas of life, love, and commitment. But she must follow her heart! Anyone can understand that! How can she deny her love for both of you? She's a tragic heroine.

Please don't be duped by this. Do some snooping and find out what is really going on. Don't let her take any sort of high ground here or try to declare false equivalency.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

The hamspter working full force to rationalize "it" is the driving force behind her attempt to legitimate an ongoing betrayal.
If she manages to make you an acomplice she will not feel like the wh0re her concience is whispering her everyday. Things would be way more easy if she didn't have to hide anymore.


----------



## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

Amazing how she did not bring this topic up before the wedding...


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Acabado said:


> The hamspter working full force to rationalize "it" is the driving force behind her attempt to legitimate an ongoing betrayal.
> If she manages to make you an acomplice she will not feel like the wh0re her concience is whispering her everyday. Things would be way more easy if she didn't have to hide anymore.


Get to cake eat unencumbered. No fears, worries, or doubts - floating, like in the matrix!


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Assuming you're still with us OP; in regards to the tenor of your next conversation with her:

You know your wife the best. If you think that she is more likely to confess if you don't lay down the law with her immediately; if you open yourself up to wanting to understand her; playing her; then OK. Maybe that's the best approach. Personally I don't think I could stomach that. I would prefer the direct, no nonsense approach. 

In regards to saying nothing to her until after you investigate. Maybe. But that could take a while. Remember your wife is the one that opened this door and I think you need to strike while the iron is hot. She may change her mind about wanting to talk about it. Either way, she has to assume you are now suspicious. So I don't think the risk of her taking it underground, outweighs the risk of waiting to talk. But again, you know your wife best.

Just my two cents and others may not agree. But hey, this isn't Dear Abby. It's a board and opinions will sometimes vary.


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP. you do not need to worry about what will happen IF she meets another man... She already has met him and is either engaged in an affair or about to. Either way, the IF part is not relevant. 

Good luck
WD
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Ask her to be fully honest and truthful. Have her tell you his name and what they have done. Would she like you to have an affair?


----------



## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> 2. Adding to number one, you might want to go on to ask her, "are you asking me this because you found out about ___________ (fill in a girl's name)? I swear it's just sex, and it was only one time really, unless you count the oral, then it was a bunch, but I'm not in love with her, really, it was just that you weren't giving me enough at home." See how she reacts to that.


Machiavelli would be proud.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> Machiavelli would be proud.


#2 was my choice, too.


----------



## old_soldier (Jul 17, 2012)

mbaker1991 said:


> My wife and I have been together for 3 years now. I would like to say we have a great relationship with one another and a pretty good marriage.. I thought. Last night she said she wanted to talk about something and ask me a question being a very good listener i said ok babe and we sat down. She starts off saying she doesn't want to hurt me or leave me or make me feel like she doesn't love me then she says what are your feeling on love and a man and woman can there be more then one person at a time that either of us are in love with? being a traditionalist i say i feel that only one couple should be together at a time in my opinion. she says that she believes more then one person can be in love and that not that she is going to go out there and look or anything but should she tell me if she does think she finds love with someone else and how would i react? (Not me and another person at same time in terms of intimacy together in same room, but intimacy with him and I during the same time in our life) I left it at that and said i would have to think about it. I now don't know what to do i don't want to be the suspicious husband and concerned all the time. but what if she does find someone and doesn't tell me or does tell me how do i react soooo need help.


I have got bad news for you brother, if it hasn't happened yet, you are about to be a cuckold.

If you are spineless, as all willing cuckolds are, then you have nothing to worry about. You will be sharing your wife with someone else. 

If you are a real man you will DEMAND to know who she has in mind as her second lover and put a stop to it. If she refuses, you have no choice but to divorce. The choice is up to you.

My ex wanted an open marriage, she got divorce.


----------



## ceejay93 (Jun 29, 2013)

Sounds like she's been reading up on polyamory. That's fine for some people but for others, it's a "NO!". 

Are you okay with your wife ****ing other people?
Are you okay with her wanting to find another love after 3 years? What will happen after 10 year, 15 years, etc? Will there even been a "5 years?" at this rate?
What are you thinking about?

Most men on this forum find out that their wives are in affairs after it's begun. You've been given a glimpse of the future and can react before anything happens. Accept her "I can love multiple men at the same time" speech or tell her to GTFO!


----------



## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Another missing OP.


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

mbaker1991, do you have a best friend, or family member that you can really trust?. If so, tell him what you have told us.

What do you think his response is going to be?...

You're in love with you wife, so your telling yourself that this all just can't be possible. There's no way she would have, could have, cheated on me.

It's not only is possible, it's likely to happen - If it already hasn't.

We aren't telling you this to make sport of your situation. Many of use have been where you are. Most of us have seen this time and time again.

I'm hoping the reason that we haven't seen you here is that you are soul searching, or trying to find out for you self how far this has gone.

What ever you decide to do, use your head not your heart to make that decision. You will be so much better off following reason instead of your emotions.

I wish you well.


----------



## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

A marriage is between two people. When you bring in a extra be it another man/woman you don't have a marriage any longer. I don't understand her thinking. If she's thinking about being with another man, why in God's name would she bring up such a stupid question. Even if she hasn't been with anyone else except her husband and is not fooling around even emotionally, doesn't she have the common sense to know that she has already planted the seed of doubt in her marriage? What she has just said to you is "as long as were married, your going to be looking over your shoulder for the rest of your married life to me". Boy, that's the kind of life that I wouldn't wish on my worse enemy.

If it was me. I would sit her down and ask her if she has anything to tell you. If she says no, I was just talking, then I would tell her, "Good. Because your going to be talking to some guy who operates a polygraph machine because as of right now you just kicked all the trust in this marriage out the door and if you fail the test, you'll be next". Now the ball will be in her court and if she goes off the deep end and starts with control freak issues, let her know that she's the one who lit the fuse and if the bomb goes off, she's the one who will be holding it.


----------



## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Looks like MBaker found the lessons too tough, folded up his tent and went home. What's pathetic is we're having to explain to a grown man what wrong with and why its necessary to tell his wife not to bang other guys.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

ThePheonix said:


> Looks like MBaker found the lessons too tough, folded up his tent and went home. What's pathetic is we're having to explain to a grown man what wrong with and why its necessary to tell his wife not to bang other guys.


She wants to do it because she think she can get away with it on him.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

OK. Ask her how she would handle the reverse situation?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

Elvis has left the building.


----------



## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

mbaker1991 said:


> My wife and I have been together for 3 years now. I would like to say we have a great relationship with one another and a pretty good marriage.. I thought. Last night she said she wanted to talk about something and ask me a question being a very good listener i said ok babe and we sat down. She starts off saying she doesn't want to hurt me or leave me or make me feel like she doesn't love me then she says what are your feeling on love and a man and woman can there be more then one person at a time that either of us are in love with? being a traditionalist i say i feel that only one couple should be together at a time in my opinion. she says that she believes more then one person can be in love and that not that she is going to go out there and look or anything but should she tell me if she does think she finds love with someone else and how would i react? (Not me and another person at same time in terms of intimacy together in same room, but intimacy with him and I during the same time in our life) I left it at that and said i would have to think about it. I now don't know what to do i don't want to be the suspicious husband and concerned all the time. but what if she does find someone and doesn't tell me or does tell me how do i react soooo need help.


The other posters are a bit too fast with their judgements. 

Based on the facts you mention there is only the asking how your position is on something like *poly amory* or *open marriage*. 

That is not a strange question for relations. Many people think about it, and if she did not already act upon it, it is to praise she started talking about it if she has these wishes.

If there is reason to believe she has already an EA/PA, then that problem is a different one then the wish for poly amory or open marriage. These issues/problems should be treated different.


----------



## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Who has the guts to call this one?


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

LostViking said:


> Who has the guts to call this one?


trowl?


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

No se nada


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

See_Listen_Love said:


> The other posters are a bit too fast with their judgements.
> 
> Based on the facts you mention there is only the asking how your position is on something like *poly amory* or *open marriage*.
> 
> ...



No, that isn't at all what she said. Poly is adding more people to the marriage.

Open is an agreement to cheat.

She's talking only about herself and its pretty clear the conversation is a clean up operation because its really only on the past tense.


----------



## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Teeeeerrrolllllll!!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

See_Listen_Love said:


> The other posters are a bit too fast with their judgements.


Naw, some of us made a judgement, as to what was likely, when we read it. Somebody said "call it" and somebody did. I have more faith in anybody that can read and write to believe they're that ignorant as to how to handle it. Out of fear for my life, I'd know better than to make such of a suggestion to my wife, and she's a kind, mild mannered person.


----------



## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

As trollish as you may think the OP is, this is a conversation that is probably had 100 times daily.


----------



## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

It would happen twice in this household. The first time and the last time.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

That conversation can be boiled down to two points;
"Would you want to know?" and "How would you react?"

She is already having an affair and she is trying to figure out if she should tell you or not.

If my wife sat me down and asked me those questions I would be out the door.

Women do not talk about hypothetically situations. She has already done all the things she is asking about.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Guys you are spoiling it, come on please don't scare them off.


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

mbaker1991, if you are still reading this thread, we are not saying that your wife has, or is about to, cheat on you, just to get you wound up.

Think about it... She asks about seeing other people. This means that (A) She already has a man in mind, OR (B) She's already "seeing" another man(OM).

You don't ask for a menu unless you're thinking of ordering something to eat...

If some of use get too feisty with our comments, PM a moderator and he/she will tell us to knock it off.

This hurts, I know. But the better informed you are about this, the better you'll be able to handle (A), or (B).


----------

