# I've got myself into a mess



## animal 2011 (Aug 9, 2011)

Hi and thank you in advance for your advice. Here's whats going on:

I was with a guy for over 10 years. He gave me everything he could, including an engagement ring. He's the one i wrote about in my previous posts on here many years ago. Well i ended up getting my own apartment because i didnt like living with him at times. He was very uptight about everything in the house, i didnt like the way he spoke to me, and i was generally just lost and confused in life anyway so i ended up leaving him. We fought a lot and he is a jerk. 

Well i met a much younger guy, 12 years younger than me and we have
been together almost 2 years now. I am less than a month pregnant. I dont know that i want to keep it because im 40 with a horribly painful unstable lower back, he makes hardly any money and neither do i, and to be honest, i still feel a lot of regret and guilt over leaving the first boyfriend. I feel i abandoned him and he needs someone. 

So i told all this my newer partner and he isnt happy about it but he just said its my choice. 

Well my last boyfriend called me today (the day i found out i was pregnant) and said he still loves me and wants to work it out. He doesnt know about my current boyfriend because i dont want to hurt him further or anger him. 

My current bf is so laid back and nice but hes dead broke and lives with his parents (although soon would've moved in with me).We live in California so i get a lot of anxiety about how we would survive! 

My last bf is the opposite of him, very driven and easily angered, but a lot more passionate and can provide for me which i need. I am not over him even though he told me many times to move on. 

I dont even know what to do at this point. I feel like im going to break someone's heart, but i dont want to.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Tell your ex about the current BF and the pregnancy. See if he still wants to get back together once you've been honest with him about your life. Lies, even by omission, are never a good idea.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

Damn.

You really going to pass off another man's baby as your exs? That's some devious **** there. And what you are doing to the current boyfriend is something else as well.

I suppose you could just go ahead and cheat and make it a trifecta of horrible actions.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Hyour heart is important, too. If you falsely lead your current bf into a marriage or ltr, it eventually will hurt him more than if you leave the relationship now.

It is less hurtful all around for you to live and act with honor.

As to the baby, that is a separate issue to whether you should stay in your current relationship. Either you current bf is a solid match with you or he is not. Don't make that decision based on comparing with your ex-bf. If your current bf is not ok, then you should leave him.

A baby only makes incompatibilies worse. A lot worse! Don't think it will somehow make things better.

My advice would be to leave your current bf. I hope you can find a way to provide a happy and loving home for your babby, either as a single mom or with a husband you love and who is a really good match with you.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Do you truly love and miss your ex boyfriend or are you feeling regretful and think he can fix your life situation? If you're looking at your ex as simply better than you have now that's a terrible reason to try and get back with him.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You need to discuss your pregnancy with a doctor and also your back problems.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

You need to learn to own your choices in life. If you want to get back together with your ex he needs to know the complete truth before agreeing to have a life with you.

Don't you think that's reasonable?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Sounds like you want him back primarily for financial reasons.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

You're thinking about going back to the guy that fought a lot and is a jerk? Did I read that right?


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Openminded said:


> Sounds like you want him back primarily for financial reasons.


Bingo. 

So what do you get out of your current relationship? If your current BF made more money, would you even be thinking about leaving him or aborting the baby? What is stopping you from being financially more responsible for your self and your baby if you decide to keep it? If money wasn't an issue, would you even be considering abortion?


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

DON'T KILL THE BABY. Go see a doc, get help for the pregnancy and back.

If you were with a guy for 10 years and left, it seems there was a good reason. And 10 years and no marriage? Interesting. Not fair for you to run back to him now baby in tow if all it is is for financial reasons. That may last for a few years then you and baby will be running again.

If your present bf the only problem was financial, I would say put your 2 heads together, even move out of Cali if need be. Lots of less expensive places to live. Even less expensive places to live in Cali, just less desirable areas.

But it doesn't sound like there is a whole lot of love there if you are contemplating going back to the ex.

Did you tell your bf about the baby? WHat does he say?

Does your current bf work?


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

OP, you are 40 and your boyfriend only 28. Neither of you are making money. He is still living with his parents and is not welcoming of this new baby. You have a bad back. Yes, I would be worried on how I would survive with a baby if I were you. What are you offering this baby? I see financial hardship & homelessness. I would not recommend for you to return to an old boyfriend who you described as a jerk. Stand tall and make the right decision.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

OK, first, do you want this baby? If not, you live in a liberal state and you have options.

If you DO want this baby, you need to figure out how you will support yourself and this child without any help from a man. Your new boyfriend may be great, but he's broke, so he can't support you/your child. (And, frankly, given his response to the pregnancy, I'm not sure this is someone you can count on long-term.) The XBoyfriend has money, but he's also a class-A jerk. Never go back to an ex for financial reasons, you will regret it down the line.

That leaves YOU. Can you handle a child with your health problems? You need to see a doctor right away to make sure that you have a healthy, viable pregnancy. At 40, there are a lot more risks than just what's going on with your back. SEE. A. DOCTOR.


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

I feel sorry for both of these guys.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> You need to discuss your pregnancy with a doctor and also your back problems.


On the back problem....

When young we would dare each other.
Dare each other to climb the tallest trees.

Once up high in those trees we would rock forward and back, make the whole tree bend at the waist.
Well, one time, one time too many one tree got pissed and broke.

I rode it all the way down. The tree broke in half, my spine was injured badly.
I spent the next year in pain, traction. I stopped climbing trees. Well, I never rocked them to sleep.

In VietNam, the Huey that I was on, got shot out of the sky, and, you guessed it. 
I lived, two died. 
My back was broken, the spine vertebrae cracked and some discs compressed. 

Once it healed I continued to run and jump out of airplanes. The idiot in me never stopped it's maddening ways.

Now, I went to half a dozens of doctors asking for help. Asking for surgery. They refused for near twenty years.
Finally, I found one who would try to fix me. He cut me open from side to side, he fused one spinal joint segment and scraped another, moving bone from nerve.

The science of back repair is now gold. It is much better now. 
Get her fixed, git her done.
.......................................................................

On the baby. Do not kill this wondrous creation of yours.
In the end, it will be the only living thing that will never stop loving you.
.......................................................................

Neither man is the man for you. 
The first man can provide for you, well. 

The second man cannot, will not. His only worth was in his seed.
Now his seed, combined with your egg, a baby came.
A baby worth more than both of you combined.

If you still do not want it, give it up for adoption. 

Be patient, be focused .
Seek a third man, one untainted by past transgressions, by you, by them.
One that you can, do love, and he you.

You are too old for nonsense, for shallowness.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

FeministInPink said:


> OK, first, do you want this baby? If not, you live in a liberal state and you have options.
> 
> If you DO want this baby, you need to figure out how you will support yourself and this child without any help from a man. Your new boyfriend may be great, but he's broke, so he can't support you/your child. (And, frankly, given his response to the pregnancy, I'm not sure this is someone you can count on long-term.) *The XBoyfriend has money,* but he's also a class-A jerk. Never go back to an ex for financial reasons, you will regret it down the line.
> 
> That leaves YOU. Can you handle a child with your health problems? You need to see a doctor right away to make sure that you have a healthy, viable pregnancy. At 40, there are a lot more risks than just what's going on with your back. SEE. A. DOCTOR.


And please don't even consider paternity fraud.


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## marriageontherocks2 (Oct 4, 2017)

MJJEAN said:


> Tell your ex about the current BF and the pregnancy. See if he still wants to get back together once you've been honest with him about your life. Lies, even by omission, are never a good idea.


Once you do this your dilemma will likely solve itself. If he's been on the fence about a relationship with you, once you tell him you're pregnant and have a BF he will likely feel it's time to move on.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I don't think you should be with anyone.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Hold on, I'm missing something here. Why did you want to get back together with a jerk?


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

At 40 years Old never married and no children and you cannot support yourself? Why should another human being have to support you? You chose to be with him sexually and become impregnated by him, at least do right by the baby and get it together. Leave the old boyfriend alone unless he knows you are pregnant by another man and that you want him to financially support you and another mans child because neither you or the father of the child can. 
28 is still young enough that he can get some skills or education and make something out of himself, for himself and the baby. Not that he should be obligated to support you. Talk with him and let him know the whole truth.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

marriageontherocks2 said:


> Once you do this your dilemma will likely solve itself. If he's been on the fence about a relationship with you, once you tell him you're pregnant and have a BF he will likely feel it's time to move on.


And if he decides to give it another go at no point will he ever be able to say he was deceived in any way. Even if OP aborts the baby, that's a life changing decision and the fact that she had a relationship, became pregnant, and had an abortion is something I feel the exBF should know.


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## David51 (Sep 12, 2017)

Money or lack of money puts an awful strain on a marriage you are 40 so he is 28.... when he is...... what 40 yr old woman with any common sense would tie herself to dead broke 28 yr old kid that lives at home with his Mommy. Ever consider moving someplace cheaper like S. Carolina lots of oportunity for employment


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Are drugs involved? 

What attracted you to this guy anyway?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I do not see your ex being on the fence about your relationship. He wants you but you don't want him, if I have understood this correctly.

And you haven't wanted him for some time now.

You say things like I love him but am not in love with him. We all know what that means. It means that you have been with him for some time and have become dependent on him for stability and support but want to find someone who lights your fire so to speak.

That someone is clearly a younger man with a lot of energy but not necessarily all the other traits of your ex.

Now you are pregnant and about to have your own kid. Your current bf is clearly not father or husband material. You dated an overgrown man-child.

Basically, what this tells me is that you really need to fix yourself - you are the unstable factor in this equation.


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