# Passive-aggressive MIL



## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

I’m feeling frustrated because my MIL is feeling put out about something and my H doesn’t want to deal with it anymore, and I don’t know that it’s my place to step in, even though I am bursting at the seams to let her have it.

Some background. MIL and FIL divorced 30+ years ago. MIL is still angry and hurt and resentful. FIL remarried and moved away and has a new family but is somewhat close with my H. Next year, we are planning to relocate to the area where FIL lives for a variety of reasons. MIL is incredibly hurt that we are moving, and is starting with her passive-aggressive stuff even more than usual.

She sent an email this week asking what our plans are for Xmas and if we’ll be in town, and could she spend some time with our son. We are planning to go out of town (just the immediate family) for a week, to decompress and not get overly “holiday-ized”. We’re going 8 hours away. H sent his mom a message telling her this, but that we’ll still be around for plenty of time before the new year and we’d like to have her over and she can spend as much time as she wants with her grandson.

Her reply: 
“Of course you are.

The last Christmas I would have been able to spend time with grandson in who knows how long and you are going out of town.

Perfect!!!”

She will not step foot in the same state as my FIL. I guess she’s afraid she might run into him or something. (Getting her to our wedding was a trauma for her – no joke.) We are not restricting her from seeing our son whenever she wants. But it sounds like she is feeling sorry for herself that we’re leaving her alone and won’t come to see us and expects that we won’t be coming back to our area often with our son (possibly true, not sure yet). 

My H’s response to that email was “Lovely.” I can hear the sarcasm dripping from that word even over email, as that’s his usual response. My H doesn’t want to deal with it, because whatever we say to her, she will become more hurt and start crying, even if what we say is true. She desperately needs to get some therapy but she won’t do it. What’s weird is that she lives 20 min from us yet we never see her. She is always tired, or broke, or this or that. She could see us and/or our son ANYTIME she wants now but we haven't seen or talked to her in weeks. I’m tired of her pity party. Any suggestions on dealing with this? It’s been getting worse over the years, and now with a move planned, it’s escalating.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Just email back "so when can you come to see grandson?"


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## lime (Jul 3, 2010)

It's great that your husband is taking your side! There are so many problems when one spouse puts their own parents above the other spouse.

I like Atholk's idea. If she's going to be passive aggressive, then you don't have to play those games and try and appease her at every step of the way. Don't respond to her whiney comments--just pretend like everything's normal and she'll get bored and maybe start acting like a grown up.


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## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

Thanks all. Yes, we try not to play along with her manipulation. My H has been dealing with this crap from her his whole life, and he's tired of it too. Sadly, she isn't getting bored with it - maybe that's the only way she knows how to be. 

I told H I'd like him to respond with something like, "Why wait til Xmas to see him? When can you visit with him?" but he would rather just ignore her behavior because he doesn't want the guilt of "arguing" with her, because he just won't argue with anyone. I feel bad for him, and wish he didn't take it personally, but she trained him to be this way from a young age. Sad.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

HA!!! 

you should meet my mother, she has enough resentment, for 10 marriages...my MIL, is satan, at least i have to talk to my mom, blood realtive, but i had to stop letting her drama influence, my life and my marriage, as for the devil, we just dont feed into her,at all.

if i call and she attitude because bi didnt call for a week, then i wont call ffor a month...i have to be like screw you lady, and she will try and guilt me into things, but i keepin mind you have nothing i want or need, she thinks she does.....

i know w\how you feel, i have a pretty good idea of how she treats you guys, and i understand the need to intervine, but dont,if he is cutting her off let it happen, she only has her self to blame with her behivor and the way she talks to you and the way she just acts in general...

let her go and she will be good, and your family will be better because of it...


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## Bluemoon7 (Jan 27, 2010)

Sounds very similar to my MIL. She also has the victim mentality so she believes she has no control over anything and these bad things she's not responsible for just keep happening to her. 

There is not much possiblity of reasoning with people like this. Often they can't accept that their behavior is a problem, so why would they change? Moving is a good idea. In the meantime, I would try not to feed into her nonsense. She can see her grandson anytime, so don't let her make you feel bad about Christmas.


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