# Recently separated and anxiious



## Theo123 (Mar 15, 2013)

Over the past year I have been very distant, focusing on my graduate school work. I isolated myself long before that into school work so that my social relations only consisted in my wife, who is a social person. I depended on her for my social interactions and I suppose to meet my needs. We ended up in counseling 7 months ago, but we could never really get beyond the sadness that has developed between us when we are together. No matter what I would do, it didn't seem good enough, and vice versa. I resented her new friends for "taking her away from me" and refused to hang out with them, or when I did I was silent and therefore passive aggressive. I noticed she had an attraction to one of these friends and we talked about it. She never cheated on me physically or anything but I became more and more jealous and my anger began to focus on that guy a few weeks back and I told him to back off, which he was happy to do actually. But because I was already using my wife for my social needs, she felt controlled, and this action made it harder and she feels betrayed by me talking nicely with the guy (though she knows I was very, very angry with him). I packed my bags and threatened to leave, she would have let me go, but we decided to try to make it through that weekend and then at a counseling session she decided to stay separated. 

But I have been very self-absorbed for the most part, blaming her for our problems, blaming her friends, blaming her job, our city, whatever I could to keep from looking at myself. Her leaving has been a wakeup call. Three weeks ago I could not have admitted my faults. I have started therapy and am reaching out to make friends. I found that I was alone, with nobody, and it is awful. So I figured I better try to reach out to some people and have some conversations. So far that has been good, but I still feel like I don't have enough social interactions. Being a graduate student I am at home all day if I want to be. 

She and I talk almost everyday by phone. I am trying to open up more to her and be honest about my struggles. After she left I decided to seek therapy, which she wanted me to do long ago. My counselor says I have suppressed my emotions. So I am trying to express my fears, worry, anxiety and such things instead of bottling it up. Since she left I have had anxiety symptoms--can't sleep or eat, my body feels like a punching bag and mouth is dry. I dread the thought of losing her completely. I am working on myself, my social network, and my spirituality. I know I need to do it for myself, but there is part of me that hopes she will notice and decide to return. She has decided to evaluate the separation in 6 weeks with our counselor (and her private therapist), who is currently on vacation during that whole time--which means she only has friends to support her and advise, which worries me more.

I am just distraught. Thanks for listening.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Since you are working to change I suggest you get the book "His Needs, Her Needs". It think it will help to guide you in a good direction.


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## Theo123 (Mar 15, 2013)

Thanks for the book recommendation. I read some of it previously.


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## Theo123 (Mar 15, 2013)

My doctor put me on Effexor for my anxiety today. He doesn't prescribe medicine too lightly, which I appreciate. So he must think the anxiety is serious. I've never been on an antidepressant before so I am pretty worried about side effects and such.

My mood is actually pretty good today, but my body is still hurting bad from the anxiety. I am pretty worried about the whole situation. It just feels like some kind of insanity bug hit us this past year. Looking back I just see how stupid some of it has been and unnecessary. I've been married for nearly 9 years, and together with my wife for over 12. It just seems such a shame to throw it all out because we forgot how to treat each other well for a time.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

When my H left I felt the same way. I always felt cold all the time & couldn't eat. This is probably one of the worst things to go through. Mine left after almost 25 years. Our 25th would have been this year. Take care of yourself & keep working on yourself. Things will get better.


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## Theo123 (Mar 15, 2013)

Thanks for the encouragement. I never knew a person could feel this terrible.

I had a pretty good day. I sat in a coffee shop and just talked with various people who came in that I either sort of knew before or who I know. I would normally have sat quiet and read. If felt really good to just be interested in what other folks were up to doing. I am intentionally talking to people, but not telling them about this, except a few close former professors and fellow grad students. I felt proud of myself for coming out of my shell.

I've never hit my wife, never hit anybody else either in the last twenty years (got into fights when I was a kid though). I am a peacemaker, hell I am even vegan. Yet my wife says she is afraid of me because I told her I wanted to beat up the guy she had a crush on and whom I told to back off. I was angry that is for sure, but I fear she has developed a portrait of me that is so contrary to everything I stand for that I am flabbergasted. She told me after an MC session that was afraid she'd end up in a shelter and she was scared of me, and that she thinks she now knows what women who have been abused go through when they want out of a relationship but the guy won't let it happen. I told her I had never even once thought of hitting her or laying a hand on her and she said that it was helpful to hear that. I didn't pay much attention at the time to those words, but today it hit me that she is starting to paint me that way. In the past when we argued we rarely even yell at each other, so I am pretty hurt by the insinuations.

I decided to tell her I did't want to talk tonight since I had only a few hours sleep yesterday and a long day hanging out with other people (slightly exaggerated but I engaged people a lot). I didn't sign off with "love" then my name. She doesn't either and doesn't wear her ring. I took mine off too today.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Too much focus on her. Do you love you?

She can paint what she wants. You know the truth.

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Theo123 (Mar 15, 2013)

I see what you mean about too much focus. Yeah I love her, dearly. 

I am supposed to go to church with her this week. She's preaching a message she said that was transformative for her and that she wrote the day she took off her ring. 

I don't really want to go, but feel like if I don't and start distancing myself I'll do some harm. Since she left I have been praying twice a day (not for her return), and am more willing to be involved in a faith community than before. I see the importance now.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

GutPunch said:


> Too much focus on her. *Do you love you?*
> 
> She can paint what she wants. You know the truth.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





Theo123 said:


> I see what you mean about too much focus. *Yeah I love her*, dearly.
> 
> I am supposed to go to church with her this week. She's preaching, and said the message she wrote was transformative for her and she wrote the day she took off her ring.
> 
> I don't really want to go, but fell like if I don't and start distancing myself I'll do some harm. Since she left I have been praying (not for her return) twice a day, and am more willing to be involved in a faith community that before. I see the importance now.


Wait. What?


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

You may be right about her painting her own picture of you. I believe that us what my H did. He was blaming me & accusing me of some really strange stuff right before he left. In the beginning it bothered the heck out of me but as time has passed and I have done a lot of reading I realize it was him not me. I wasn't loosing my mind.

Its good you're putting yourself out there. You need to talk its good for you - like a release instead of leaving it all pent up inside. That's no good. I'm like you - only certain people know my whole story others no. I like to keep it that way for now.


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## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

I cant believe this crud she told you about feeling abused...have you been verbally abusing her? Having a heated discussion about her having a crush on another guy is NOT abuse. That is a serious discussion that needs to be had...boundaries need to be set etc.

YOU HAVE BEEN EMOTIONALLY ABUSED BY HER HANGING OUT WITH A GUY SHE HAS A CRUSH ON! 

You have a right to do what you did especially since you did it in a polite way..although it was really her fault. However, you absolutely need to step in when another guy starts in on your wife!

That needs to be cut off in no uncertain terms. Trust me, deep down inside if she still cares for you she wants to see you step up to the plate and be the man and hold your ground.

That is absolute NO NO in marriage...hanging out with someone you have a crush on! A lot of people feel strongly about NO opposite sex friends period...if this is true it was a major issue...not a case of her having a right to have a friend...she has no right to hang out with someone she has a crush on while she is married!...come on....I cant believe no one else here has said anything yet.

On the other hand you have now been LEFT by a walk away wife.

Make sure she is not with that guy right now. There is a real possibility something is going on and Im suspicious about how she left so quickly and easily.

As I understand it women are much more likely to walk out like that when they have somewhere else to go...(or someone else to go to)...


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

You do need to distance yourself for your own good. I promise - i know its hard but its what is best for you. I don't think id go to church. She should not be indirectly speaking to you during a church service with people all around. At the very least she should let you know what she plans on saying before church and then you make the decision to go or not. That is a really mean & thoughtless thing to do to you.


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## Theo123 (Mar 15, 2013)

I misread the question!  That is funny. I have to learn to love myself I guess. I am in therapy and my counselor said that though I am a pacifist I have done a lot of violence to myself by suppressing my emotions and cutting myself off from others. 

There was a time in my life, twenty years ago, when I was violent. I went to prison for arson and my life changed dramatically in there. I have worked for peace for the last 16 years.


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## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

Then why is she afraid of physical abuse from you?

What is all this crap about ending up in a shelter? She seems to have found somewhere NO A SHELTER to go already!

Something is not right.

Absolutely stay peaceful...and it sounds like YOU absolutely had a lot to work on and she may have already been wavering in her feelings about the marriage etc...you sound like you did screw up in the marriage not working out your issues...

However..now something is up. If she is already having an affair it might be too late.


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## Theo123 (Mar 15, 2013)

Fetishwife: yeah I thought I had a right to do so as well. She said I betrayed her trust because I told him she had feelings for her and he needed to back off. He said he had for a few months, because he felt wierd about hanging out with another man's wife and had talked with his father about it. She kept doing things though, like gift wrapping his office with other people over Christmas (I got a crumby gift with a crumby note). So I just let resentment build up until it blew up one day. She was on a "retreat" trying to work out her attraction issue and had gotten tot he point, she says, where she was ready to let the attraction pass and then I stepped in after 6 months. She's not with the guy now. I know where she is staying. Being with him would destroy his career since he is a new hire at a theological school.


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## Theo123 (Mar 15, 2013)

And I told her that if I had not talked to him I probably would have hurt him physically. I had gotten pretty mad at him, and had to call a friend to calm down about it. But ultimately, I think, i did the right thing. I let him know to back off, and did so in a friendly way. But I was mad at her too.


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## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

Dont even be violent or threaten physical violence....that does not work in our society and it makes you seem weak actually.

She was was out of line and sounds like an EA for sure. 

Excuses are no good. Its just wrong. Violence is wrong, affairs are wrong...but affairs dont send you to prison.

You guys have a lot to work on here...


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## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

Did you ever encourage this though? Like talking about a cuckold fantasy with her? How did you know she was attracted to him...? Did she discuss it with you?


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## Theo123 (Mar 15, 2013)

No I never encouraged it. I should not have told her after the fact that I was struggling with it. But I mean I felt that way. Ultimately, I thought, I did the right thing, I called somebody,and then simply talked to the guy. She told me she had the attraction when I asked her about it at one point. She had been in his apartment alone and he in ours alone.

You are right about me not working on my issues. I started to see all of my faults once she walked. So in that way it was a really good thing. Maybe her picture is of me, over the past year, becoming very distant, self-absorbed and selfish in graduate studies, isolated and unwilling to socialize, and being kind of grumpy. Then, knowing my distant past as she does, hearing me say over the phone that I wanted to beat up that guy, but I didn't, I talked with him instead, she thought my anger at the situation might not be subsided at her and I was thinking of harming her as well. That is not irrational on her part. As I am thinking about it, it makes sense. The last part is not true. I never thought of hurting her (though I have emotionally by being distant, and all sorts of dumb things).


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## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

Did you read the MMSL Primer yet? I think it applies here.


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## Theo123 (Mar 15, 2013)

What is the MMSL primer?

Hey, thanks for engaging with me on this. I am really kind of shocked and confused and I think I have a clearer picture of what she must be thinking about me. We talk, we still see each other. She's not afraid of me in general. She just won't come home. She has her ring off. This incident was only the final straw for her to leave. She had been putting up with my distance and my blaming for quite some time.

I large part of all this is my fault. I was very distant. It doesn't excuse her, but I didn't do my part.


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## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

Married Man Sex Life Primer by Athol Kay...you should download it and read it tonight ... tomorrow at the latest...

I think you will see more clearly how your behavior has turned your wife off.

The tough part of all this is to realize our own responsibility...but if you dont face up to it then all this could happen to you again with another woman..

You will be glad you read the book..it will be new stuff to you...it was to me.


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## Theo123 (Mar 15, 2013)

Thanks. Reading it now.


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## Theo123 (Mar 15, 2013)

I've been trying to connect more with other people I have blown off for the most part over the past few years as a way to build up a social network again and basically just become human by talking to people instead of reading books for my dissertation. This morning I had brunch with a young guy and just listened to his stories and asked questions. Did the same yesterday with some other folks. It is really healing to listen to other people since I have isolated myself in my academic work so much.

Talked to my W tonight and told her about the anti-depressants and the anxiety symptoms. I don't know why. She simply said, "Thanks for telling me." She's checked out emotionally from the marriage and has been for a very long time. 

I'm going to church with her tomorrow anyhow. She's giving a spiritual journey message and wanted me to hear it. She won't use it as a bully pulpit. Her church would not stand for that anyhow. We are supposed to have lunch afterwards to talk about whether I should continue to attend there since I only recently started and what "story" she should tell her mother about this separation. Her mother is divorced, her father cheated. 

I don't feel like I can say no to this sort of interaction or anything. I have been the one who was distant and unavailable. I had my bags packed too but bulked. But I am going to start cutting back. I no longer say I love her, and therefore she doesn't either (she only does if I do), or end any emails with that. She will notice that change for sure.


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## Theo123 (Mar 15, 2013)

The church service went fine. The people there are so nice. 

Lunch afterwards started rocky, with both of us playing the victim; her reading my actions as indifference, me reading her as angry. Finally, we were able to break through that and I told her how I have been relating the story so far, owning up to my part, but not feeling like I should confess her faults, but merely acknowledge that we both did hurtful things to one another. She was receptive to that. 

She told me that right now she doesn't want to be in this marriage anymore, but doesn't trust that feeling enough to make a judgment at present. She said that her IC asked her questions she should think about, one being, what does it mean to be in a marriage covenant? She suggested we both think about this over the week and talk about it next week after church, over lunch. 

We talked for about 2 hours, and it was as honest as either of us can be now. She definitely saw me as a bit unstable when she broke the news of separation and worried what my reaction would be. But I only reacted to it by reaching out to other people, working on myself, and seeking God. She did say that the changes that I have made in the last two weeks have come pretty fast and that is disconcerting to her. I think she means that she wonders if they will last, and whether it signals I am unstable still. 

I told her about the anti-depressants and the symptoms yesterday on the phone. Today, the symptoms are entirely gone; day four on the meds. I feel pretty content. Had dinner with a former professor of mine and his wife. 

Tomorrow I attend my first Emotions Anonymous meeting.

I am unplugging form the academic matrix a bit and trying to become human again after being a book and paper machine (I've published 6 books and numerous scholarly papers; all as a grad student). It is so refreshing. I was so unhappy and angry before....always working and too busy to even say hi to people. I'm not gushing with hi's now, but I am not closed down when approached.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Wow this is a tough read. You knew the
church service would cause you pain
Why did you go?

Put Codependence No More on your list
of books to read.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Theo123 (Mar 15, 2013)

I went because I like it there and because she asked me to come here it. 

I'll get the book from the library tomorrow. Wife is reading it as well.


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