# Abuse or toxicity?



## NotSureOfWhoIAm (2 mo ago)

Background of the story: very naive 25 yo female meets this 26 yo male while working and traveling in Europe. I am from a Latin American country and I was raised in a very rich educational and cultural background. I say I am Catholic by culture because I was raised in a religious environment and went to an elite Catholic School, was never very religious myself. He was a musician and I imagined someone with a very open and progressive mind, very creative... He said he was very religious and Christian when a child but not anymore. In that context of traveling and with the excitement of new places we used to talk a lot and had great communication, but it was all fascinating never one day just like the other one. I am not sure how much I should share to picture you the situation I am in, I could speak for hours about all kinds of specific situations and things that have happened but the patterns go something like this:
Married for 10 years. 2 children both boys are 9 and 5. We marry and go to live in my home country but he would not stop suffering, struggling always seeing the negative in this third world country even when his life was comfortable, I had 2 job to support both of us since he was too good for any job he was offered since pay in Latin countries is a lot lower but so it is the cost of life...
He smokes weed like an addict, when I met him I knew he did because he was a musician but I imagined it was a little smoke here and there and not a thing that I need to smoke every 2 hours or I totally loose it...
We ended up moving to the US while I was pregnant with my oldest because of him getting his visa denied to live there even when he was married to me... So we come here and he said "I am going to change a lot when I get there" and I was super blinded in love so I thought what could go wrong? Then he says my mother is very controlling and I am like: "what could be so terrible about a MIL?"
I encountered a very toxic family in a rural US setting where they thought my family were all living in the jungle half naked with feathers on their heads and hunting with arrows. Today, I would have walked away from their family dinners. They are impressively hateful with others different than their own kind...
First fights were as soon as we had the baby he had never gotten up at night, never changed a diaper and he is also a hypochondriac narcissist, he would tell.me that he would kick me back to my home country that"**** hole" that I come from and his mom would pay for a lawyer to take my son away. I sometimes get very mad but I feel like I have a reason to be mad at him... He takes naps, he goes out and about all over the place and I am always with my boys... He treats them poorly and I have yelled at him and screamed so he has recorded those fights. There is no sex since my oldest was probably 2 and then I got pregnant with the youngest when I started looking for a job because he "held me" while I was saying no... I have no proof of the abuse but he has proof of me screaming, him and his family are all divorced and they are nasty with the exes, the only ones still married were his parents and I saw how his dad pushed his mom off a chair when she was cleaning the top of their cabinet in rural America and then they all said that the chair broke and she fell... I believe he wants to play the same game perfect family in the outside but inside the house I could push you because I hate you so much! He has a great remote job that he has "cultivated" through the years because I was home raising the kids and taking care of everyone's needs. He tells me know I have a little ****ty job, he had this friend that I am not sure what they were (back to the no sex marriage and pushing me away situation). I am alone in this country and I came for love, naive and pure I thought that a marriage could grow just with that... He smokes and spends the equivalent to our rental in weed and turns into the hulk if he doesn't have it, the times he is being nice and fun y I realize is because he is completely high and he brings that smoke in the house... Do you think any judge would protect me if he is the native English white male from the us picturing himself as perfect and I am the third world screaming lady... I am so exhausted! I hired a lady to help with the cleaning every 15 days and he said no that he had too much debt I could pay him and he would clean he said how much is she charging you? I said my mental health, he says mental health is knowing how to keep a house organized and clean, he allows his mother to always be in our business, I wanted to buy a car he said he would sell what he had because we only need one car, I make 1/3 of what he does but my job has a lot of growth opportunities, his dad recently dad and we had a sort of reconciliation but it didn't last long... He used to yell at me as soon as my dad dies I will get rid of you, he calls me a ***** in front of the boys, I call him an asshole...
I have nowhere to go and no savings, all the bills are in my name and he says they are my responsibility when we used all the credit cards to buy baby stuff and clothes while he didn't make enough money when he just started... I asked him once how much he has in his 401k he replied "that is none of your business, that is all my money", he plays videogames every Friday and Saturday night , he pays 30 bucks every night to play and then we get the power, the electric or the internet shut down because he missed the payments!
I have always felt I work to patch up all his financial disaster...
He is always sick with something, and when I say I got a cold or a headache he says me too, he is always always right and seems like he is in a competition with his own children, I recently started going to church with the boys and he told them that Jesus does not exist... I know I have the answer, I should have left already, but it terrifies me the idea of not having anyone around, the fact that he is going to be so hateful when divorce time comes and that I am not sure what judge can advocate for me.... Thank you for your points of view.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

@NotSureOfWhoIAm, welcome to this site. 🙂

The first thing that comes to mind is to see if there are any women's shelters in your area. Call them and ask if they can recommend a free or inexpensive lawyer near you. Whatever your nationality is, call your embassy, and ask the same. Maybe you google to see if there's a Latino lawyer who can help you?

You need to find out what your options are from a legal professional. You need to be open and honest and share what you've written here.

*Do not, in any way, discuss this with your husband.* Do not threaten. Do not argue. Hold your tongue.

Privately, start writing everything down. If you need a secret place to keep notes, put a menstrual cycle app on your phone - along with an electronic lock.

If your husband brings drugs into the house, don't argue, just _discretely_ take photos.

Write down his schedule. When he's high around the children, write that down. If he disappears to have fun with his friends, write it down. You ask him about finances, and he tells you that's none of your business, write it down. Date it. Put a time on it. Be as specific as possible.

Your goal from this moment on is to protect yourself and your children.


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## elliblue (7 mo ago)

minimalME said:


> @NotSureOfWhoIAm, welcome to this site. 🙂
> 
> The first thing that comes to mind is to see if there are any women's shelters in your area. Call them and ask if they can recommend a free or inexpensive lawyer near you. Whatever your nationality is, call your embassy, and ask the same. Maybe you google to see if there's a Latino lawyer who can help you?
> 
> ...


Best advice. Do exactly this.
Sorry, you go through all of this.

Your husband is bad. It won't be hard to proof. You should not hesitate or fear of discrimination.
Your worries are clear signs of you being exhausted. 
There is plenty of support for you. Don't do it on your own. So many women go through this and they come in all shades. women support groups don't care about your cultural background and no one is going to take your kids from you because you are not white.
A racist judge would rather want a woman of colour to keep her 'coloured children'. Why would a racist judge or institution want to keep coloured children within a white community? if they are racist they would won't you to take your children and go back where you came from.
If you rhink about you see your worries don't really make sense, but they reflect that you are overwhelmed and scared. Hence, get support.

Your question: Abuse and toxicity are the same. It doesn't matter what you call it. It tells you to leave.

Do it also for your children. Drug addiction is due to genetics. With such a highly addicted husband it is extremly likely your boys are prone to become heavy drug users themseves, espescially if they are exposed to a abusive father who also brings in the smell of weed regularly. The smell of weed is enough to effect the brain. You don't have to smoke it. Exposed to the smell those young children are passively 'consuming' the drug. Keep that in mind. It effects their developement.
Bringing this up will also help seal your case.

Divorce this guy and get some mental support for yourself and your children for them to be able to get emotional support. You don't want to have the next two drug problem teenagers in 5 and 10 years.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

NotSureOfWhoIAm said:


> Background of the story: very naive 25 yo female meets this 26 yo male while working and traveling in Europe. I am from a Latin American country and I was raised in a very rich educational and cultural background. I say I am Catholic by culture because I was raised in a religious environment and went to an elite Catholic School, was never very religious myself. He was a musician and I imagined someone with a very open and progressive mind, very creative... He said he was very religious and Christian when a child but not anymore. In that context of traveling and with the excitement of new places we used to talk a lot and had great communication, but it was all fascinating never one day just like the other one. I am not sure how much I should share to picture you the situation I am in, I could speak for hours about all kinds of specific situations and things that have happened but the patterns go something like this:
> Married for 10 years. 2 children both boys are 9 and 5. We marry and go to live in my home country but he would not stop suffering, struggling always seeing the negative in this third world country even when his life was comfortable, I had 2 job to support both of us since he was too good for any job he was offered since pay in Latin countries is a lot lower but so it is the cost of life...
> He smokes weed like an addict, when I met him I knew he did because he was a musician but I imagined it was a little smoke here and there and not a thing that I need to smoke every 2 hours or I totally loose it...
> We ended up moving to the US while I was pregnant with my oldest because of him getting his visa denied to live there even when he was married to me... So we come here and he said "I am going to change a lot when I get there" and I was super blinded in love so I thought what could go wrong? Then he says my mother is very controlling and I am like: "what could be so terrible about a MIL?"
> ...


I am so sorry about your situation it’s terrible!

You absolutely need to find a womens shelter in your area. Local churches can help you with this too. Talk to the pastor of the church you just started. Ask them for help getting to safety!

@minimalME was right when she said “do not talk to your husband about this”. I fear for your safety if you do that.

A lawyer will be your advocate. You can find one in your area and normally the first talk with them is free. They are paid to be your advocate whether they agree with you or not. Also women shelters are very good about helping women take the steps needed to get out of bad situations.

Best of luck to you @NotSureOfWhoIAm . Keep posting on TAM, there are many many with experience here that can help you.


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## NotSureOfWhoIAm (2 mo ago)

Sorry for the long post, forgot to say when he gets mad he breaks things. Our house is full of holes and since last week I have no vacuum cleaner because he threw it across the room because I didn't pick up the cord but I was still vacuuming I just went to see the boys while they were in their night time routine calling for me...


minimalME said:


> @NotSureOfWhoIAm, welcome to this site. 🙂
> 
> The first thing that comes to mind is to see if there are any women's shelters in your area


Regarding this, I called once but the lady would hang up on me because she would not understand what I was saying... When I finally got to speak with someone, they said that basically I could get in with them if I would put an order to keep him away from this house... and I had to have proof of the abuse, he does not hit me so I have not proof, I did not call the police when he took all my clothes and hid them because I had to go to work the next day at a new job. He leaves to his Mom every time I have a new job...
I am not financially prepared for this either... [/QUOTE]
Whatever your nationality is, call your embassy, and ask the same.
[/QUOTE]
I got my money together and paid for my citizenship. He started treating me a little better then, because before he would only threaten with "sending me back" and keeping the children...
I wanted to go voting on Friday and I told him I was going during my lunch, he came back super late asking why would I want to vote, "for who? Even when we all know who you will vote for" he said. 
When I speak with my therapist she says that living in this rural area where we are when people don't understand me because of my accent it is also a form of abuse...
Thank you for being here! Have a great day.


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## NotSureOfWhoIAm (2 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> I am so sorry about your situation it’s terrible!
> 
> You absolutely need to find a womens shelter in your area. Local churches can help you with this too. Talk to the pastor of the church you just started. Ask them for help getting to safety!
> 
> ...


I enrolled in the legal plan that my employer offers as a benefit. This is my next step, ask around. I went to see a lawyer last year and she said that the weed thing was not something I will be able to proof because he will just stop smoking when he gets served with the divorce papers and he will be negative in his test for the judge...
Thank you for being here...


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

NotSureOfWhoIAm said:


> I enrolled in the legal plan that my employer offers as a benefit. This is my next step, ask around. I went to see a lawyer last year and she said that the weed thing was not something I will be able to proof because he will just stop smoking when he gets served with the divorce papers and he will be negative in his test for the judge...
> Thank you for being here...


You should not need to find a reason for divorce (depending on your state). Most states today have ‘no fault’ divorce so you can do it for any reason you want.

As for the abuse and women’s shelter, take pictures of the holes in your walls, record him yelling at you (check with your lawyer about this). Get evidence that way. If he hurts you in anyway, call the police immediately and have it documented by the hospital. He can go to jail if he touches you in anger.


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## NotSureOfWhoIAm (2 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> I am so sorry about your situation it’s terrible!
> 
> You absolutely need to find a womens shelter in your area. Local churches can help you with this too. Talk to the pastor of the church you just started. Ask them for help getting to safety!
> 
> ...


Thank you @minimalME. I feel like no one is going to care because it is my word against his... But that is why I need to start documenting everything...


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## elliblue (7 mo ago)

NotSureOfWhoIAm said:


> Sorry for the long post, forgot to say when he gets mad he breaks things. Our house is full of holes and since last week I have no vacuum cleaner because he threw it across the room because I didn't pick up the cord but I was still vacuuming I just went to see the boys while they were in their night time routine calling for me...
> 
> Regarding this, I called once but the lady would hang up on me because she would not understand what I was saying... When I finally got to speak with someone, they said that basically I could get in with them if I would put an order to keep him away from this house... and I had to have proof of the abuse, he does not hit me so I have not proof, I did not call the police when he took all my clothes and hid them because I had to go to work the next day at a new job. He leaves to his Mom every time I have a new job...
> I am not financially prepared for this either...


Whatever your nationality is, call your embassy, and ask the same.
[/QUOTE]
I got my money together and paid for my citizenship. He started treating me a little better then, because before he would only threaten with "sending me back" and keeping the children...
I wanted to go voting on Friday and I told him I was going during my lunch, he came back super late asking why would I want to vote, "for who? Even when we all know who you will vote for" he said.
When I speak with my therapist she says that living in this rural area where we are when people don't understand me because of my accent it is also a form of abuse...
Thank you for being here! Have a great day.
[/QUOTE]
Yes, getting rejected because of your accent is a form of abuse. But don't let this hold you down. Seek further. Look for other support systems.
Those who reject you are toxic themselves and they won't do a great job even if you were white.

Keep that in mind. Those aren't the people you want to support you. They'll just provide another form of toxicity to your life and all the poor white or comform women who seek help from them. Those victims who seek support feom them will just run from one s*** hole into the other, not being aware of it. 

You being different only helps you being able to select help from those who are in the right state of mind to provide any person in need with healthy support, due to their healthy way of perciving the world and racism and discrimination is exactly the opposite of this.

But don't you fool yourself believing all people are the same. No matter their colour or ethnicity. People and support groups are different.

Some people in caring positions are toxic people themselves. Some narcissist seek positions as helper to abuse people in need for their own sadisfaction. The world is twisted sometimes. 

That is why you have to be selective and pay attention who you chose for support.
If they get abusive move on and seek support from others. But don't give up and don't make it about who you are. It is about who those specific people are. Devils in disguise. Nothing else. 

Being different will help you find the right people, if you know what you are up to and if you keep reaching out.


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