# Newbie Seeking Some Perspective



## Just Another Guy

Hello All,

Newbie here seeking some perspective on life, marriage, and overcoming the suck. Full disclosure, I have never sought out personal advice on a public forum or to complete strangers so please have mercy!

I am 36 and my wife is 34. We have been together for 10 years now and married for 5. No kids by choice (although we have equally both been open to adoption in the future).

Like most, our relationship has had some ups and downs. We both met down here in SoCal, she moved up north for medical school in which I commuted back and forth for about a year before moving up north, buying a house, etc. We now reside back in OC with 2 houses, dogs, good jobs, and generally a happy-go-lucky but hard-working couple that has their **** mostly together.

Early on in the relationship, I noticed that my now wife has always had a big issue with a short temper. She would often raise her voice during arguments which seemed to evolve and escalate into cussing, name-calling, and some not-so-nice things (actually pretty horrible to be honest). The sample list of names called includes dumb, moron, idiot, calling me a terrible person or connecting my life failures with our relationship; "no wonder you failed that class because you can't ever listen, etc). She pulled the divorce card within our first year of marriage due to a lack of intimacy and constant fighting in general.

We dabbled in a counselor fairly early on in our relationship instead of calling it quits and the counselor pointed out how respect is needed for any relationship to work. We sought a counselor about two years ago and stuck with it regularly with the goal of saving our marriage. While progress was made, there are still some lasting behaviors that always seem to need work from both ours parts. In the effort to be fair and not seem one-sided, here are some characteristics pointed out by both counselors:

Her:
-gets "ramped up" quickly, needs to work on calming down and talking in a controlled manner.
-had a worthless father but a good mother and step-father. Her need to feel "in control" for something that she cannot always control affects our marriage.
-Has a hard time following through on boundaries or common rules of the house; such as not name-calling or using unfair fighting tactics (such as screaming a point and then checking out from the conversation entirely or leaving the house for hours).
-Usually late to everything with a poor sense of time.

Me:
-Super ADHD in certain aspects of life. Get upset easily when I feel that she does not do her part in cleaning the house or keeping the house clean. This was an item that the last counselor had noted that I needed to let go in order to make the relationship work and feel that I have made progress in this area. I do my best to "let things go" for the better for the marriage. Pretty much a black and white guy when it comes to being on time (if you're not early, your late), a promise is a promise, etc.
-Had a ****ty childhood, abusive/bi-polar/other mental issues biological mother, ran away but was fortunate to grow up with a great father and a good loving step-mother. Obviously some insecurities in some aspects of my life and overall feel good about where I am at today.
-Overall a pretty happy-go-lucky person. Don't cry over spilled milk and usually only react poorly if I feel that she is barking orders at me ("don't tell me what to do") or demanding that something is done at that very moment.

Her main issues with me:
-My ADHD (totally valid considering my family tree).
-Lack of sex life (also valid as I'm just not that into it in general).
-Does not like that I race competitive motocross on the weekends (recently got back into the sport but have always been into motorcycles all of my life). She was well aware of what she married into but does not like me being away on so many Sundays racing. She does not enjoy going with me (hot, sandy, loud) and I don't mind going alone either (fraternity environment). The sport gives me sanity and is my way to re-boot for the week ahead.

My main issues with her:
-Feel that she chooses or does not have the ability to keep her promises (name-calling, being on time, etc). Respect is probably the #1 issue for me.
-Does not fight fair, will talk to her girlfriends yet share only her side of things or leave out portions for a complete story. Usually one-sided in general.
-Feel that a counselor will "fix me". My lack of sex drive, mood swings, etc.

The good:
-We are both young at heart and adventurous. We have traveled the world, frequently scuba dive while on vacations, and have hiked the entire JMT.
-When not fighting, we can talk to each other and feel compatible as far as being honest with one another, speaking what is on our mind, and overall life goals also being aligned.
-Always have fun and usually never say no to an adventure.
-No trust issues or infidelity in the relationship. 
-No or little arguments over money, spending habits, etc. We are both proactive on saving for retirement with a goal to retire by 50 if we remain childless. 

Sex life hasn't been great which is a major factor in her overall unhappiness. She felt that changing the counselor would help "fix me" despite my feelings that she is taking a complicated issue and trying to simplify it.

Anyway, I know that is impossible to tell an entire life story in one post but just hoping to gain some perspective. She needs to work on not losing her **** and not calling me names while I need to work on not over-reacting as well when she is asking me to do a job around the house, etc. We have a ton of fun together and are both driven and competitive people but fight in a way that is a win/lose and therefore a loss for both of us along with the relationship. We need to work on being a team and fighting for the relationship.

Anyone else been through a similar situation? We both want to go through the process, but just don't know enough is enough or how much compassion one can continue to have for the sake of the marriage.

Thanks for reading!


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## LisaDiane

What do you LOVE about eachother? Why do you want to try to make things work in spite of the issues you are both frustrated with?

Also, what is the problem with your sex life? I have to agree with her that it's a MAJOR contributor (for ME as well) to my overall feelings of love towards my partner. Why are you refusing to meet her sexual needs? (I don't mean this as judgement against you, I'm really asking your perspective with it)


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## Andy1001

I got as far as you saying you’re “not into sex in general” and that was far enough. Why on earth did you get married, did you just want a roommate to help with the rent?
I’m not a psychologist but I can pretty much guarantee that most of your wife’s frustrations stem from a husband who in her eyes doesn’t find her attractive. 
Have you ever had your testosterone levels checked? 
You spent a long time seeing relationship counsellors, did it never occur to you to see a sex therapist? And if you were being honest with your counsellors why didn’t they recommend you to seek help with your sex life. 
I can see a divorce in your future if you don’t sort yourself out buddy.


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## Jamieboy

Im going to take a stab at this for you, the cussing and name calling could be from a perceived disparity on her part, you don't say what you do for a job, but maybe she feels like you are beneath her intellectually. She thus treats you as an infant in some ways. Additionally, not giving the good stuff when she feels like she's meeting her end of the bargain is bound to breed resentment. 

So what do you bring to the party, in terms of earnings and meeting her needs? 

From your frustrations, get a cleaner, if you earn enough, I guarantee the extra together time that will afford and the diffusing of the tension around that part of your life will pay for itself in spades.


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## Just Another Guy

LisaDiane said:


> What do you LOVE about eachother? Why do you want to try to make things work in spite of the issues you are both frustrated with?
> 
> Also, what is the problem with your sex life? I have to agree with her that it's a MAJOR contributor (for ME as well) to my overall feelings of love towards my partner. Why are you refusing to meet her sexual needs? (I don't mean this as judgement against you, I'm really asking your perspective with it)


Thank you for chiming in. For the most part, we love being around one another, traveling, or going on one adventure after the other. I love how she is always down to live life to the fullest and she often feels the same for me. I know that these posts can all seem all about doom and gloom, but there are quality components of our relationship that are worth saving and fighting for.

Regarding sex, it is not that I am not attracted to my wife but it is honestly difficult for me to feel in the mood when things haven't been so great in our relationship. We have months when things are good or improving in the bedroom which I relate to the overall relationship being in a better place for that particular month (no shouting matches, name-calling, etc). The counselor seemed to agree with this noting that things in the bedroom improve as a result of the relationship improving. 

Outside of this, I cannot pinpoint an exact reason for my lack of sex drive. I get annual health checks but may inquire to see if there is an underlying condition specific to sex drive or simply not being in the mood sometimes. 

Hope this helps. Appreciate your perspective.


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## Just Another Guy

Thanks for your perspective. As mentioned in response to Lisa's post, we have periods of good sex and periods of lack of sex. Sure, we humped like rabbits early on in the relationship and probably went down to once or twice a week after a few years into the relationship. 

Do you feel that life will magically get better if we have sex more than once or twice a week? Is there a 'normal or reasonable number that most feel is acceptable and healthy? I have not had my testosterone checked but think it might be worth looking into per your suggestion. 

Every therapist seems to be on the same page that how we speak to each other and the communication barriers are a big part of the lack of sex drive. We have not explored a sex counselor since the problems seemed to be tied together but certainly open to your suggestion. We aren't closing any doors on advice. 

In regards to the concept of me just wanting a roommate to help pay the rent. That is not the case as I am perfectly capable of paying for my own rent or mortgage if needed. Despite her being a medical doctor, I generate more income than her. 

Hope this helps. Appreciate your feedback and suggestions. 





Andy1001 said:


> I got as far as you saying you’re “not into sex in general” and that was far enough. Why on earth did you get married, did you just want a roommate to help with the rent?
> I’m not a psychologist but I can pretty much guarantee that most of your wife’s frustrations stem from a husband who in her eyes doesn’t find her attractive.
> Have you ever had your testosterone levels checked?
> You spent a long time seeing relationship counsellors, did it never occur to you to see a sex therapist? And if you were being honest with your counsellors why didn’t they recommend you to seek help with your sex life.
> I can see a divorce in your future if you don’t sort yourself out buddy.


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## lifeistooshort

If I'm not having much sex with my partner I don't feel bonded, and I get annoyed easily.

When I feel bonded I can let a lot of things go

.


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## Just Another Guy

Thank you for sharing a perspective outside of the sex life by itself. I feel that it is important (at least to me). 

I work in the events business and on a corporate sales level for professional sporting events. I went to school for the event segment and have been in this segment since graduating college. Despite her being a medical doctor, I actually generate more yearly income but have never thrown that in her face. 

I agree with you on her feeling that I am beneath her intellectually. For example, I am dyslexic and have had a hard time with math all of my life. There was a point early on in the relationship where I gave her the option to accept me as I am or leave. She chose to stay because she said that she loved me and would 'let go of those insecurities. This was a pretty black or white topic early on in our relationship. Accept me for who I am or get off the pot and move on with our lives. 

For what I bring to the table. The list would include a good job (better pay and more flexibility than hers), a do-it-yourselfer (maintain and repair all our vehicles and projects around the house) and generally a happy-go-lucky kind of guy. We have a lot of great friends that we enjoy spending time with and are always out and about doing something fun in general. Outside of the items addressed, life is generally pretty good. 

As for hiring a cleaner, we did this when we first got married and is the BEST thing ever! Sometimes our cleaner does not come for two weeks and the house gets a bit dirty which drives me crazy. As noted, this was addressed with our counselor and something that I have worked on to let go for the better of the marriage. 

Thanks again!



Jamieboy said:


> Im going to take a stab at this for you, the cussing and name-calling could be from a perceived disparity on her part, you don't say what you do for a job, but maybe she feels like you are beneath her intellectually. She thus treats you as an infant in some ways. Additionally, not giving the good stuff when she feels like she's meeting her end of the bargain is bound to breed resentment.
> 
> So what do you bring to the party, in terms of earnings and meeting her needs?
> 
> From your frustrations, get a cleaner, if you earn enough, I guarantee the extra together time that will afford and the diffusing of the tension around that part of your life will pay for itself in spades.


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## Just Another Guy

Thank you. I see your perspective. For me, I feel that it is difficult for me to want to have sex when someone isn't necessarily being all that nice to me. 

Sex is usually once or twice a week under normal conditions. When fighting, the number probably goes down to once every week. Things vary but understand the ability to let things go and go with the flow when things are good in all area's of a marriage (including the bedroom)

(QUOTE="lifeistooshort, post: 20385220, member: 55086"]
If I'm not having much sex with my partners I don't feel bonded, and I get annoyed easily.

When I feel bonded I can let a lot of things go

.
[/QUOTE]


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## Sfort

Just Another Guy said:


> Hello All,
> 
> Newbie here seeking some perspective on life, marriage, and overcoming the suck. Full disclosure, I have never sought out personal advice on a public forum or to complete strangers so please have mercy!
> 
> I am 36 and my wife is 34. We have been together for 10 years now and married for 5. No kids by choice (although we have equally both been open to adoption in the future).
> 
> Like most, our relationship has had some ups and downs. We both met down here in SoCal, she moved up north for medical school in which I commuted back and forth for about a year before moving up north, buying a house, etc. We now reside back in OC with 2 houses, dogs, good jobs, and generally a happy-go-lucky but hard-working couple that has their **** mostly together.
> 
> Early on in the relationship, I noticed that my now wife has always had a big issue with a short temper. She would often raise her voice during arguments which seemed to evolve and escalate into cussing, name-calling, and some not-so-nice things (actually pretty horrible to be honest). The sample list of names called includes dumb, moron, idiot, calling me a terrible person or connecting my life failures with our relationship; "no wonder you failed that class because you can't ever listen, etc). She pulled the divorce card within our first year of marriage due to a lack of intimacy and constant fighting in general.
> 
> We dabbled in a counselor fairly early on in our relationship instead of calling it quits and the counselor pointed out how respect is needed for any relationship to work. We sought a counselor about two years ago and stuck with it regularly with the goal of saving our marriage. While progress was made, there are still some lasting behaviors that always seem to need work from both ours parts. In the effort to be fair and not seem one-sided, here are some characteristics pointed out by both counselors:
> 
> Her:
> -gets "ramped up" quickly, needs to work on calming down and talking in a controlled manner.
> -had a worthless father but a good mother and step-father. Her need to feel "in control" for something that she cannot always control affects our marriage.
> -Has a hard time following through on boundaries or common rules of the house; such as not name-calling or using unfair fighting tactics (such as screaming a point and then checking out from the conversation entirely or leaving the house for hours).
> -Usually late to everything with a poor sense of time.
> 
> Me:
> -Super ADHD in certain aspects of life. Get upset easily when I feel that she does not do her part in cleaning the house or keeping the house clean. This was an item that the last counselor had noted that I needed to let go in order to make the relationship work and feel that I have made progress in this area. I do my best to "let things go" for the better for the marriage. Pretty much a black and white guy when it comes to being on time (if you're not early, your late), a promise is a promise, etc.
> -Had a ****ty childhood, abusive/bi-polar/other mental issues biological mother, ran away but was fortunate to grow up with a great father and a good loving step-mother. Obviously some insecurities in some aspects of my life and overall feel good about where I am at today.
> -Overall a pretty happy-go-lucky person. Don't cry over spilled milk and usually only react poorly if I feel that she is barking orders at me ("don't tell me what to do") or demanding that something is done at that very moment.
> 
> Her main issues with me:
> -My ADHD (totally valid considering my family tree).
> -Lack of sex life (also valid as I'm just not that into it in general).
> -Does not like that I race competitive motocross on the weekends (recently got back into the sport but have always been into motorcycles all of my life). She was well aware of what she married into but does not like me being away on so many Sundays racing. She does not enjoy going with me (hot, sandy, loud) and I don't mind going alone either (fraternity environment). The sport gives me sanity and is my way to re-boot for the week ahead.
> 
> My main issues with her:
> -Feel that she chooses or does not have the ability to keep her promises (name-calling, being on time, etc). Respect is probably the #1 issue for me.
> -Does not fight fair, will talk to her girlfriends yet share only her side of things or leave out portions for a complete story. Usually one-sided in general.
> -Feel that a counselor will "fix me". My lack of sex drive, mood swings, etc.
> 
> The good:
> -We are both young at heart and adventurous. We have traveled the world, frequently scuba dive while on vacations, and have hiked the entire JMT.
> -When not fighting, we can talk to each other and feel compatible as far as being honest with one another, speaking what is on our mind, and overall life goals also being aligned.
> -Always have fun and usually never say no to an adventure.
> -No trust issues or infidelity in the relationship.
> -No or little arguments over money, spending habits, etc. We are both proactive on saving for retirement with a goal to retire by 50 if we remain childless.
> 
> Sex life hasn't been great which is a major factor in her overall unhappiness. She felt that changing the counselor would help "fix me" despite my feelings that she is taking a complicated issue and trying to simplify it.
> 
> Anyway, I know that is impossible to tell an entire life story in one post but just hoping to gain some perspective. She needs to work on not losing her **** and not calling me names while I need to work on not over-reacting as well when she is asking me to do a job around the house, etc. We have a ton of fun together and are both driven and competitive people but fight in a way that is a win/lose and therefore a loss for both of us along with the relationship. We need to work on being a team and fighting for the relationship.
> 
> Anyone else been through a similar situation? We both want to go through the process, but just don't know enough is enough or how much compassion one can continue to have for the sake of the marriage.
> 
> Thanks for reading!


Your wife wants sex. You'd better seriously work to find out what your hesitation is. She may be loyal to you now, but you will be making a mistake if you think things will stay that way. Get your testosterone level checked as soon as possible. There are many stories here where the wife has an affair because she's not getting sex from her husband, and the problem turned out to be low testosterone, or at least testosterone was a major contributor to the problem.


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## ccpowerslave

Since you have cash cleaning the house is easily solved with money. My wife is a slob compared to me and our house looks just like her mom’s did. I never put 2+2 together on that one and only recently when talking about her mom’s old house did I realize how similar ours is.

I got over it. It’s easy just stop caring.

As for the sex thing, I don’t get it. I’m over 10 years older than you and I want to go until it falls off. Have you seen a doctor about it?


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## Just Another Guy

Hands down, investing in a cleaning service was the best thing that has ever happened to us. 

It still the hell out of me when things get cluttered, but I do my best to deal with it and not make a big stink about it anymore. I have learned to let it go for the better for the marriage. 

I haven't seen a doctor specific to my lack of sex drive. Given your comments along with some others, I think I am going to. Happy to report back to the group if low testosterone was in fact a factor or not. 

Outside of sex, I am. physically fit, exercise every day, and not exactly a fat whale who let himself go after marriage (neither did she). 



ccpowerslave said:


> Since you have cash cleaning the house is easily solved with money. My wife is a slob compared to me and our house looks just like her mom’s did. I never put 2+2 together on that one and only recently when talking about her mom’s old house did I realize how similar ours is.
> 
> I got over it. It’s easy just stop caring.
> 
> As for the sex thing, I don’t get it. I’m over 10 years older than you and I want to go until it falls off. Have you seen a doctor about it?


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## ccpowerslave

Ah one more thing on the motocross. If you’re spending the whole weekend doing it every weekend I can see why she’s pissed.

I don’t like when my wife’s hobbies take time away that we could be spending together especially if it’s a lot of time doing something I don’t like. With your specific example if I was doing motocross or any kind of motorized off-roading she would probably be into it more than me.

I know there is a “dirt widows” section at some off roading events where the mostly women cook out and drink and stuff like that while the guys are off in the hills. Might or might not appeal to your wife but I’m guessing she’d not blend in with that crowd too well.

What does she do for fun?

In the past when I was doing time consuming sports like that I would go during the week. So for example snowboarding is a 4h drive each way or longer from my house, so would leave at 5am on weekday and get back at maybe 8pm. Then she doesn’t care as much.


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## Just Another Guy

Thanks. Haven't ever thought of low testosterone as being a possibility until now. I'll make an appointment. 

Infidelity or lack of trust has never been an issue. We both agree that we would not cheat on one another without getting a divorce first. That was a promise made in our relationship and marriage. 

If she were to cheat, the marriage would clearly be over. The same rules apply to both parties. 





Sfort said:


> Your wife wants sex. You'd better seriously work to find out what your hesitation is. She may be loyal to you now, but you will be making a mistake if you think things will stay that way. Get your testosterone level checked as soon as possible. There are many stories here where the wife has an affair because she's not getting sex from her husband, and the problem turned out to be low testosterone, or at least testosterone was a major contributor to the problem.


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## Sfort

Just Another Guy said:


> Thanks. Haven't ever thought of low testosterone as being a possibility until now. I'll make an appointment.
> 
> Infidelity or lack of trust has never been an issue. We both agree that we would not cheat on one another without getting a divorce first. That was a promise made in our relationship and marriage.
> 
> If she were to cheat, the marriage would clearly be over. The same rules apply to both parties.


Please hear us out. Every cheater says the same thing. If they'll break their marriage vows, they'll lie to you about cheating. We don't know if she's cheating, but you are playing with fire.


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## BigDaddyNY

Just Another Guy said:


> Hands down, investing in a cleaning service was the best thing that has ever happened to us.
> 
> It still the hell out of me when things get cluttered, but I do my best to deal with it and not make a big stink about it anymore. I have learned to let it go for the better for the marriage.
> 
> I haven't seen a doctor specific to my lack of sex drive. Given your comments along with some others, I think I am going to. Happy to report back to the group if low testosterone was in fact a factor or not.
> 
> Outside of sex, I am. physically fit, exercise every day, and not exactly a fat whale who let himself go after marriage (neither did she).


I know there is a lot of focus on sex here, but in my opinion it is a very good barometer of a marriage. I am completely convinced that regular sex builds and strengthens the bond between husband and wife. It is definitely a good place to look for improvement. 

You are a little unique since the husband is usually the one looking for more sex. Lack of sex is often a deal breaker and is the beginning of the end for a marriage. It may not be the whole problem, but if it is important to your wife you should make a genuine effort to improve the situation.


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## Just Another Guy

Thanks. According to my wife, she has invested too much time in her brain and education to be doing anything remotely connected to motorcycles. We always poke fun at each other about it but in a healthy way. She was open-minded enough to take an MSF class early on in our relationship and I even bought her a little Ninja 250 to practice around the neighborhood. It wasn't for her and no harm or foul for her not enjoying the sport. 

We are both pretty active and competitive. She enjoys running, playing soccer, cycling, and frequently go on 20+ mile hikes or camping trips with just us and the dogs. We summited Mt. Whitney together twice and just wrapped up the entire John Muir Trail last summer. 

She genuinely does not enjoy being at the racetrack and I don't blame her for it. It takes up about one or two Sunday's a month and is honestly my only dedicated hobby at the moment. I used to enjoy motorcycle camping trips with a few buddies or even solo but still feel that closed-course racing is always safer than one stupid fatal mistake on the road. 

I understand that the motorcycle thing is not ideal or the safest hobby to be involved in. That said, she knew this before getting involved with me and I have never given her a reason to worry (no broken bones or accidents since being with her). 





ccpowerslave said:


> Ah one more thing on the motocross. If you’re spending the whole weekend doing it every weekend I can see why she’s pissed.
> 
> I don’t like when my wife’s hobbies take time away that we could be spending together especially if it’s a lot of time doing something I don’t like. With your specific example if I was doing motocross or any kind of motorized off-roading she would probably be into it more than me.
> 
> I know there is a “dirt widows” section at some off roading events where the mostly women cook out and drink and stuff like that while the guys are off in the hills. Might or might not appeal to your wife but I’m guessing she’d not blend in with that crowd too well.
> 
> What does she do for fun?
> 
> In the past when I was doing time consuming sports like that I would go during the week. So for example snowboarding is a 4h drive each way or longer from my house, so would leave at 5am on weekday and get back at maybe 8pm. Then she doesn’t care as much.


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## ccpowerslave

Just Another Guy said:


> According to my wife, she has invested too much time in her brain and education to be doing anything remotely connected to motorcycles.


Somehow I thought that would be the answer. 

That’s a tough one then. 

My wife would probably love to go doing technical 4x4 a couple Sunday’s a month and I’m the one grabbing my top hat and martini and saying I’m too highly educated for that.

I’d say concentrate on what you can maybe fix then, the ADHD on tidyness and definitely get checked out. You take care of the stuff you need to take care of and if she doesn’t become better for you in response then you have more words.


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## Just Another Guy

Thank you BigDaddyNY. I fully agree with your comment as sex being a good barometer. 

As others have noted, I will be doing my part to try and bump up the weekly number, having a conversation with my doctor or possibly exploring a sex therapist. 

For the folks who mention low testosterone being a possibility. I am genuinely curious how common of an issue this is? Is testosterone a different hormone than adrenaline? 

I only ask because racing competitive motocross isn't exactly like extreme knitting. We aren't exactly playing a round of golf out there. 



BigDaddyNY said:


> I know there is a lot of focus on sex here, but in my opinion it is a very good barometer of a marriage. I am completely convinced that regular sex builds and strengthens the bond between husband and wife. It is definitely a good place to look for improvement.
> 
> You are a little unique since the husband is usually the one looking for more sex. Lack of sex is often a deal breaker and is the beginning of the end for a marriage. It may not be the whole problem, but if it is important to your wife you should make a genuine effort to improve the situation.


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## Sfort

Just Another Guy said:


> According to my wife, she has invested too much time in her brain and education to be doing anything remotely connected to motorcycles. We always poke fun at each other about it but in a healthy way.


My doctor friend once told me that doctors really like motorcycle riders. They make great organ donors since their deadly injuries are usually head related.


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## Just Another Guy

Awesome! 

For some perspective, I also happen to know a lot of doctors who ride motorcycles too. We have at least 4 doctors who race on any given Sunday and they have a blast. My sister is also a medical doctor with her own practice and still loves riding her 1967 Bonneville into the office. 

To each their own I suppose.



Sfort said:


> My doctor friend once told me that doctors really like motorcycle riders. They make great organ donors since their deadly injuries are usually head related.


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## uphillbattle

I actually thought of this from a completely different angle than most. Maybe I am crazy. Have you looked up the term **** test or fitness test? I think when she verbally bashes you it's emasculating to you. Most men when this happens would tend to want to bury one in her to take their manhood back. For some reason you go the opposite way. You can't help how you fee but you can help how you react. 
Don't give her the reaction she is looking for. Shut it down. After a while of doing this consistently I am betting the dynamic changes dramatically with you two.


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## Just Another Guy

Thank you. It is refreshing to hear a different perspective other than on the sex alone. Others have mentioned the testosterone test which I presume is what you're referring to. I commit to getting a physical every year with no red flags as far as my bloodwork goes. I usually exercise in the morning and evening with at least an hour or two of exercise a day (plus working around the house, walking the dogs together, etc). 

You are 100% spot-on as far as me wanting to go the opposite way. I somehow relate it to having a terribly abusive mother as a young child. I had no options then but was committed to never speaking to that person again once I was at an age that I could make my own decisions and fend for myself. 

I don't want to bang the sh&t outta my wife when she calls me names, I want to drive across the country and be at peace with myself. 

Hoping that counseling and some of the advice offered here will help the situation. I know that sex is needed, but also feel that respect is an essential component (at least in our case). 





uphillbattle said:


> I actually thought of this from a completely different angle than most. Maybe I am crazy. Have you looked up the term **** test or fitness test? I think when she verbally bashes you it's emasculating to you. Most men when this happens would tend to want to bury one in her to take their manhood back. For some reason you go the opposite way. You can't help how you fee but you can help how you react.
> Don't give her the reaction she is looking for. Shut it down. After a while of doing this consistently I am betting the dynamic changes dramatically with you two.


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## uphillbattle

Just Another Guy said:


> Thank you. It is refreshing to hear a different perspective other than on the sex alone. *Others have mentioned the testosterone test which I presume is what you're referring to*. I commit to getting a physical every year with no red flags as far as my bloodwork goes. I usually exercise in the morning and evening with at least an hour or two of exercise a day (plus working around the house, walking the dogs together, etc).
> 
> You are 100% spot-on as far as me wanting to go the opposite way. I somehow relate it to having a terribly abusive mother as a young child. I had no options then but was committed to never speaking to that person again once I was at an age that I could make my own decisions and fend for myself.
> 
> I don't want to bang the sh&t outta my wife when she calls me names, I want to drive across the country and be at peace with myself.
> 
> Hoping that counseling and some of the advice offered here will help the situation. I know that sex is needed, but also feel that respect is an essential component (at least in our case).


Take the time and look up the term **** test. It has nothing to do with low testosterone levels. My thoughts have nothing to do with physical aspects of anything. Purely psychological.


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## BigDaddyNY

Just Another Guy said:


> Thank you BigDaddyNY. I fully agree with your comment as sex being a good barometer.
> 
> As others have noted, I will be doing my part to try and bump up the weekly number, having a conversation with my doctor or possibly exploring a sex therapist.
> 
> For the folks who mention low testosterone being a possibility. I am genuinely curious how common of an issue this is? Is testosterone a different hormone than adrenaline?
> 
> I only ask because racing competitive motocross isn't exactly like extreme knitting. We aren't exactly playing a round of golf out there.


Low T is more common than most realize. A lot of men don't even notice because the change is usually over a fairly long period of time and chalk it up to something else, like getting older. Also, it isn't part of a routine physical exam with bloodwork, so it goes unknown. 

You can be into very manly/alpha activities and still have low T. Something to watch out for is what the Doc calls low T vs what is normal. The normal range for total T is about 250-1100 ng/dl. Some doctors will only put you on TRT if you are below 250, but 250 is far from "normal". It puts you in the near bottom percentile of men. Others are more focused on symptoms. If they see you are at 350-400 for example, normal but towards the lower end, AND you have quality of life symptoms associated with it they will work with you on TRT.


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## Just Another Guy

uphillbattle said:


> Take the time and look up the term **** test. It has nothing to do with low testosterone levels. My thoughts have nothing to do with physical aspects of anything. Purely psychological.


The forum is automatically censoring your specific test name. Does this start with an s, f or? Would you be able to spell it out with some periods between each letter? Thanks!


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## uphillbattle

Just Another Guy said:


> The forum is automatically censoring your specific test name. Does this start with an s, f or? Would you be able to spell it out with some periods between each letter? Thanks!


S
H
I
*


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## Just Another Guy

Thank you. This is a real eye-opener as I usually lumped this all into one bracket. 

Truly appreciate you taking the time to share your own knowledge and going into some of these specifics. It is very helpful and will bring this up on my next visit. 



BigDaddyNY said:


> Low T is more common than most realize. A lot of men don't even notice because the change is usually over a fairly long period of time and chalk it up to something else, like getting older. Also, it isn't part of a routine physical exam with bloodwork, so it goes unknown.
> 
> You can be into very manly/alpha activities and still have low T. Something to watch out for is what the Doc calls low T vs what is normal. The normal range for total T is about 250-1100 ng/dl. Some doctors will only put you on TRT if you are below 250, but 250 is far from "normal". It puts you in the near bottom percentile of men. Others are more focused on symptoms. If they see you are at 350-400 for example, normal but towards the lower end, AND you have quality of life symptoms associated with it they will work with you on TRT.


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