# My Husband's Best Friend is a Lesbian



## UnsettledWife (Aug 13, 2010)

My husband's best friend is a lesbian he has only known for 4 months.

I find this very wrong, but he says she is like a guy friend. I personally don't believe that she is a lesbian. She is very flirtatious with my husband and myself. I think she is bisexual. We have gone down hill relationship-wise since he's met her because he will go and hang out with her all hours of the night until 4-5am. He thinks there is nothing wrong with that. We are going to counseling in a couple days (we've gone in the past 2x and have all been on me pushing him to go...this time he wanted to go and wants to change), but am I wrong in thinking his behavior isn't right? He says he hates himself for the way he has treated me over the years (pushing me away, not wanting to hang out with me, cuts me off from talking to him, makes me feel unwanted, unloved, lack of intimacy, etc.) 

My main issues are: He sides with her over me on things. He talks to her multiple times a day on the phone, when he says he doesn't like to talk on the phone and won't with me. If they're not on the phone they are IMing. She is very homely and overweight and he told me that he would never cheat on me and is not attracted to her in any way like that. I think he is depressed and is clinging to her because we're rocky right now. He is so easily angered that I can't live my life normally without pissing him off. He told me that I am the only one that can do that to him and he wants to go to counseling to figure out why and how to make it stop. 

We've been together for 7 years and he's only known her for 4 months. I think it's wrong that he hangs out with her, talks to her, etc. so much. He also drives her places when she needs a ride. He drove her to a hair appt and sat in the salon for 3 hrs then drove her home. He would never do such a thing for me. She also lives 45-60 minutes away. She asked last week if he would drive her to a GYNO appt! That fell through, but his answer was "of course"! 

When she calls or he calls her, if he thinks I am listening he'll go in the backyard. I know you are thinking he's cheating on me, but he has told me that he wants to talk to her about any frustrations with us and doesn't want me to get upset. I personally disagree with going in the backyard. I think he should manup and talk to me if he's frustrated instead of going outside the relationship. 

I called the therapist (new one we haven't seen before) and told her a little about the situation and his behavior towards me over the last 3-4 years (7 years together and this started around the time he lost his job). She said his relationship with her is toxic and inappropriate and it might come down to her or me. He is so attached to her that I am scared what's going to happen. She has manipulated him in many ways. He didn't want to go to a BBQ because the host wasn't someone he was friends with. She got pissed and told him their friendship is changing and how disappointed she was with him being anti-social etc. etc. Then come to find out he changed his mind and went, but I wasn't invited because it was for a client they both worked with. It was 10 ppl who brought their spouses...she purposely didn't invite me and that's one thing I hate about her. She is all nice with me and then stabs me in the back by doing stuff like this.


I had a meltdown on Monday because of all of the this and it started when the therapist couldn't see us this week because she has laryngitis. Therapy was the only thing I was clinging to and she told me we had to wait until next week. I sunk to the ground. I came home visibly upset and he was on the phone with her. I asked him if we could talk and he could call her later. He started to tell her I was upset, and I asked him to not. Then I heard her say "can't she wait?!?!"...he then proceeded to talk to her because she claimed that they might be evicted (something that wasn't happening right that second and I was upset tremendously at that moment. Me being his wife should matter more than her friendship). 

The Monday before last we had a huge fight. He wanted a divorce and ended up staying over at their place. She is "married" or committed for 4 years with another girl. The next day I was invited over and he shared 3 pages of his feelings with me, with them as mediators. He stated he didn't want a divorce, he wanted therapy to work on things, but he wanted to have a temporary separation where he slept in the other bedroom. He's been there since Wednesday night of last week (week and a half). He said we are still committed to each other, wear rings, communicate, but he needs his space to think.

I am just in awe and think it's totally inappropriate to have the level of relationship he has with her. What do you think?


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## misstf (Aug 9, 2010)

When first started reading this I only thought about what difference does it make if she is a lesbian and his friend,,,

I am sorry I didn't read the whole thing, and I have to tell you he is being extremely disrespectful of your marriage by allowing another woman to be more important than you are. Frankly I don't think my husband's mother's needs should come before mine's but that is how the bible teaches us about marraige

Your husband has a crutch in her which prevents him from dealing with the serious issues that are taking over your marriage, and while they may not be physically involved, your husband is clearly emotionally involved with this woman which in my opinion is worse (I have been there) it IS destructive, she IS toxic but the person who owes you the most is your husband, he made the vow to you and he is not living up to them. 

It's easier for him to treat her like the spouse because he truly has no responsibility to her, it is so much harder to work on your marriage than it is to confide in his "buddy"

A separation is needed, and that separation should be between your husband and his "friend"... In my opinion ANY opposite sex friend should be friends with BOTH in the marriage, this woman is clearly not your friend so she needs to go!


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## UnsettledWife (Aug 13, 2010)

Tonight he told me that he is going to pick up a picture from Michael's that she had framed and drop it off at her house. I asked him why her partner can't got get it when she gets home? He said because it's "our" picture (he helped her take it down in Miami). I said because you helped her take it doesn't make it "your" picture. Then I asked him if he was going to be gone until all hours of the night again and he said no because he has to shoot a wedding tomorrow (he's a photographer) and that it's not my business anyway. I told him that everytime he hangs out with her it kills me inside. He said that it was my problem that he's not doing anything wrong. I told him that she said in the beginning of the relationship that if she was going to come between us that she would back off. I said I think I should tell her she's coming between us and he said if you do then you will see me walk out the door and not come back. I need to get to Tuesday when we have counseling. But, all of this drama is killing me each day. I wish he would just be cordial until Tuesday instead of causing more issues. I guess I have to ignore him till Tuesday. When I did that earlier on in hte week he texted me, bought me food, and took me out to dinner. I hate having to play games though to get him to pay attention to me. Please someone comfort me so I can last 4 more days!


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## dangergirluk1 (Aug 14, 2010)

Hang in there. I too have a similar issue. Mine is better in some respects and worse in others. My husband has a habit of making friends very easily man or woman. Women tend to gravitate toward him because he is a "talker", more often his friends are women. He mainly communicates on the phone and text. 
It came to a head a few years back when he started talking to my younger sister, she is naieve and less confident and like the others latched onto him. They ended up having an emotional affair, basically exchanged expiclit photos via text. After I found out I forgave but it has not been the same for me trust wise and I foolishy never sort counselling to set up boundaries for future external friendship. So over the years he has still had female friends, I put up a fight and he will back off in most cases, but in no time another female friend will appear. 

So on to the latest problem I currently have with regard to his lesbian best friend. Our marriage over the last year has REALLY been on the rocks. He is more outgoing than me and I am from another country so I its hard for me to "get out there", he has nevertheless contiually had female friends even to the point that he will hide them from me. He now has this lesbian best friend, it start about 4 months ago also (lol). This is the twist, back when he was a teenager they were boyfriend and girlfriend for a short while with intermicy. She has a partner of many years and has 2 kids back when she was not a lesbian?!?! (they are teens) She has now moved a few streets down from us. There are constant phone calls, he's built them a fence at their new house (took over a week) helped moved them, picked up their appliances and installed them (all for free). Now today he says that he wants to start a business with her. 

He keeps pushing me real hard to be involved and make friends, but I find myself pulling away for several reasons: They were an item at one time, she is a friend of the opposite sex, I get uncomfortble with the obsessivness he has with new friends and quite frankly I'm pissed that he puts all his energy into helping her and being friends when our marriage is in pieces. So far I do not detect any weirdness from her, she seems like she wants to be my friend too....but I can't. I have nothing against gay people.
Im so tired of fighting, complaining, being told I'm controlling and jealous, and being unhappy.

We have been going to councelling for about a month, we have an appointment tomorrow morning and I am going to talk about this, its been waiting to come up. Wish me luck! I will let you know how it goes tomorrow.


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## UnsettledWife (Aug 13, 2010)

Yes, please tell me how therapy goes. For me, it's my husband that really wants therapy. He says he hates himself, he hates how he's been treating me, he knows I am unhappy, and he wants to be happy again. He wants to find out how to not explode so easily with me. He is so easily angered by me and wants to know how to not get that way. He texted me when he was on his way home last night letting me know he was on his way home. This morning I went in to the other bedroom to see him and he gave me a hug and a kiss. 3 more days until counseling for us.


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## dangergirluk1 (Aug 14, 2010)

Im glad your husband is pushing so hard for councelling. Mine is willing, but I think he feels that I'm the one with the problem.

So we had our appointment this morning. I wasted no time and brought it up immediately. After much discussion our councellor could see that we have different views when it comes to external friends of the opposite sex and asked us to brainstorm whilst there on boundaries and what makes each of us feel uncomfortable while she wrote it down. This was harder for me than I expected, the suggestions from me did not roll off my tounge like I expected. I started feeling guilt and anxiety. I felt myself predicting my husbands reaction to being what it always is...he thinks I want him to sit on the couch, and never speak to anyone. It did get awkward there for a while, we managed to come up with a couple of things...but that was as far as we got. The councellor asked us to keep thinking and writing until the next session. She stressed that what each of us come up with is not a rule or set in stone and that she will help us come to an agreement.
It's so hard to get my husband to really understand how I feel and to think about boundaries right now because I have become so reclusive what with being laid off from work for 6 months, a foreigner (English) and slow to make friends....but I can think of many past instances where he has felt uncomfortable about male work colleagues for no good reason, in fact he used to be the jealous one! This is going to be tough....I'll keep you posted, please do the same and any suggestions are welcome


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## UnsettledWife (Aug 13, 2010)

dangergirluk1 said:


> Im glad your husband is pushing so hard for councelling. Mine is willing, but I think he feels that I'm the one with the problem.
> 
> So we had our appointment this morning. I wasted no time and brought it up immediately. After much discussion our councellor could see that we have different views when it comes to external friends of the opposite sex and asked us to brainstorm whilst there on boundaries and what makes each of us feel uncomfortable while she wrote it down. This was harder for me than I expected, the suggestions from me did not roll off my tounge like I expected. I started feeling guilt and anxiety. I felt myself predicting my husbands reaction to being what it always is...he thinks I want him to sit on the couch, and never speak to anyone. It did get awkward there for a while, we managed to come up with a couple of things...but that was as far as we got. The councellor asked us to keep thinking and writing until the next session. She stressed that what each of us come up with is not a rule or set in stone and that she will help us come to an agreement.
> It's so hard to get my husband to really understand how I feel and to think about boundaries right now because I have become so reclusive what with being laid off from work for 6 months, a foreigner (English) and slow to make friends....but I can think of many past instances where he has felt uncomfortable about male work colleagues for no good reason, in fact he used to be the jealous one! This is going to be tough....I'll keep you posted, please do the same and any suggestions are welcome


You shouldn't feel guilty. The way our husbands are acting is wrong. You are right in feeling the way you do. You need the help of your counselor to make him realize that and decide not to do what he's doing. I will keep you informed of what happens to me during my session. We can do it!


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## dangergirluk1 (Aug 14, 2010)

UnsettledWife said:


> You shouldn't feel guilty. The way our husbands are acting is wrong. You are right in feeling the way you do. You need the help of your counselor to make him realize that and decide not to do what he's doing. I will keep you informed of what happens to me during my session. We can do it!


Thank you for the reassurance, I think I understand why I feel guilty.... after years of giving in to someone elses wants even if they hurt it becomes a "normal" everyday way of living and expected on the part of your partner. It is a difficult pattern of behavior to break for both, me used to getting the short straw and him assuming he can do what he wants.
I started reading a book that is helping me think clearer "Not Just Friends", By Shirley Glass, I bought it as an ebook on Barnes and Noble's Website and read it on my cell phone lol. It focuses on external friendships and infidelity, which I know not maybe the case, but lets face it, that's what we are worrying will eventually happen, and for me it has. Not saying that all is well yet, infact it is still getting worse with him still spending time with them and meanly justifying it. But just by reading this book I am thinking about my thoughts and feelings rather than focusing as much on the things he is doing that hurt....I am not waiting so much on him to "wake up" and see he is wrong if you know what I mean. Hope you are hanging in there..ttyl


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## UnsettledWife (Aug 13, 2010)

dangergirluk1 said:


> Thank you for the reassurance, I think I understand why I feel guilty.... after years of giving in to someone elses wants even if they hurt it becomes a "normal" everyday way of living and expected on the part of your partner. It is a difficult pattern of behavior for both, me used to getting the short straw and him assuming he can do what he wants.
> I started reading a book that is helping me think clearer "Not Just Friends, By Shirley Glass, I bought it as an ebook on Barnes and Noble's Website and read it on my cell phone lol. It focuses on external friendships and infidelity, which I know not maybe the case, but lets face it, that's what we are worrying will eventually happen, and for me it has. Not saying that all is well yet, infact it is still getting worse with him still spending time with them and meanly justifying it. But just by reading this book I am thinking about my thoughts and feelings rather than focusing as much on the things he is doing that hurt....I am not waiting so much on him to "wake up" and see he is wrong if you know what I mean. Hope you are hanging in there..ttyl


Our counseling session is tomorrow and that is exactly what I am worried about. We have other issues we need to address and I do not want her to be the center of everything we talk about. I actually called the therapist today (spoke with her last week when I was scheduling the 1st session and she knows of the supposed "best friend" and thinks she is totally toxic) and left her a message asking her if I should bring up the "best friend" or how I should handle it. She is definitely the source of my stress right now. Last night he got in at 5:45 AM and tonight he has gone to play poker again tonight with her and then whatever after. She complained that her photo that she got done at Michael's with the delivery from my husband is not right and so he reprinted (he's a photographer) it for her and they are taking it to Michael's and then going to poker. I just don't understand how he can continue to hang out with her 5-6 nights a week. Eventually, the fun has to die...right? I am reading Her Needs, His Needs and it explained a lot about conversation for me. Because we do not talk for hours a day like her does with her. It said in there that when two people are getting to know one another they talk a lot and once they know each other that conversation slowly dies. I hope that happens with them. 

I was also thinking on my drive home that he is home all day with no one to talk to (pre- best friend anyway) and then I get home and I am his only source of socialization. I think with his built up resentment from the past issues that he felt like he couldn't rely on me for socialization and he started to go crazy with boredom...she happened upon his life at the right time when he needed an outlet to go do things. The photography business isn't a hopping one right now so, he has a lot of free time. That's my analysis anyway. What do you think? I just know how I feel when I am off for the summer and get bored without the routine of school (I am a teacher).

On a good note- he actually called me yesterday after his wedding all excited and we talked for about 15 minutes. He was telling me all about the wedding he just shot and he sounded so happy (a tone I haven't heard in quite some time). Then this morning when he got home he stopped and bought breakfast for us to eat before I went to my first day back with kids. He stated "I got you breakfast for your first day with kids." How could someone who states they don't love you, do kind things like that?


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## dangergirluk1 (Aug 14, 2010)

UnsettledWife said:


> Our counseling session is tomorrow and that is exactly what I am worried about. We have other issues we need to address and I do not want her to be the center of everything we talk about. I actually called the therapist today (spoke with her last week when I was scheduling the 1st session and she knows of the supposed "best friend" and thinks she is totally toxic) and left her a message asking her if I should bring up the "best friend" or how I should handle it. She is definitely the source of my stress right now. Last night he got in at 5:45 AM and tonight he has gone to play poker again tonight with her and then whatever after. She complained that her photo that she got done at Michael's with the delivery from my husband is not right and so he reprinted (he's a photographer) it for her and they are taking it to Michael's and then going to poker. I just don't understand how he can continue to hang out with her 5-6 nights a week. Eventually, the fun has to die...right? I am reading Her Needs, His Needs and it explained a lot about conversation for me. Because we do not talk for hours a day like her does with her. It said in there that when two people are getting to know one another they talk a lot and once they know each other that conversation slowly dies. I hope that happens with them.
> 
> I was also thinking on my drive home that he is home all day with no one to talk to (pre- best friend anyway) and then I get home and I am his only source of socialization. I think with his built up resentment from the past issues that he felt like he couldn't rely on me for socialization and he started to go crazy with boredom...she happened upon his life at the right time when he needed an outlet to go do things. The photography business isn't a hopping one right now so, he has a lot of free time. That's my analysis anyway. What do you think? I just know how I feel when I am off for the summer and get bored without the routine of school (I am a teacher).
> 
> On a good note- he actually called me yesterday after his wedding all excited and we talked for about 15 minutes. He was telling me all about the wedding he just shot and he sounded so happy (a tone I haven't heard in quite some time). Then this morning when he got home he stopped and bought breakfast for us to eat before I went to my first day back with kids. He stated "I got you breakfast for your first day with kids." How could someone who states they don't love you, do kind things like that?


Well you were rightfully telling me that I should not be feeling guilty, but you are too. You feel bad for him being at home alone...that is not an excuse for him to seek an external friendship to this extreme. I am at home too because I was laid off...the only person responsible for getting back out there is ME!!

I have to admit that I feel concerned with the things you describe that your husband does with her and the huge amount of time they spend together. WE HAVE TO GET A GRIP ON REALITY HERE! Don't know if you have a daugther or not, but what if in years to come she called you crying and told you the same story of what you are going through, what would you feel and say?

One thing is for sure, we definately have self-esteem issues, it's easy for me to type this but that has to be the first priority. If our husbands really want to grow old with us then they should turn the corner because they want to, not becasue they feel guilty or sorry for their actions. You sound like a strong woman that is managing work, family and this drama in your life, give yourself credit


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## dangergirluk1 (Aug 14, 2010)

Things are getting worse. He refuses to see how he has let the marriage flow down his priority list, I'm at the end of my rope. Night before last I decided it was over. Gave him my ring. My heart aches. The next day he left and went by their house and then left me for 4 hours helping his brother. He lies to me to spend time with them. He keeps repeating the same thing over and over, that these women are cool and want to be my friend. In fact, for the first time I believe they do and they seem like nice people. What I cannot get him to see is that its not them I have the problem with, it's him. Is it just me or when your marriage hits rock bottom, you have a family and are going to councelling... is it the right time to suddenly make a best friend of the opposite sex, that you once had a relationship with and devote every waking hour of your time too? And when you are home, text and call constantly? He paints a picture to friends and family that I am jealous, crazy, insane. I will not deny some jealously, but I am mainly hurt by the neglect and selfishness. I beg and plead to discuss what our councellor says, he goes against things agreed in our sessions.

He says that he does not want to break up but his actions have wore me to the bone. Everyday feels like a merry-go-round, it feels ok for a minute then someone has their hand out and slaps me in the face, round and round I go!! Sigh....


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## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

*I think she isn't 100% lesbian*

My understanding is that even the most lesbian feminine woman or the gayest male can enjoy the company of the opposite gender. Very few of us are 100% gay or straight, even if we have never wanted to do things outside our self declared label.

Bi-sexuality is more common than one might think, even when one's relationships have always been straight, gay or lesbian, I know more than one lesbian who started her life being attracted to men, it was only when they reached their 40s did their preferences change. The NY Times, my arbiter of reality, had an article recently about this, though I also know lesbians who were attracted to women at an early age. We humans are a confusing bunch.

I have known guys who call themselves gay, some still appreciate women, but find it easier to declare themselves gay rather than bi-sexual, while nominally straight men will live in the closet. 

Regardless of your husband's friend's stated preferences, they are having an EA, an emotional affair at the minimum, and he much prefers her company to yours. 

I hope counselling can get the EA on the table and under mutual control, I understand your concerns. My wife has been rejecting me these last two years. No affairs on her part as best I can tell, she has increasing OCD or ADHD or depression, wrapped up in herself, rejecting my overtures, I hurt badly and recently decided I will leave this fall. 

We are both in terrible places, I'm older than you, have been divorced once, w/o kids it will be difficult, but much easier than the first time - 1984.

I hope you see improvements, sounds as if he needs what the Car Talk brothers call a "dope slap" from your therapist. He is either blind or using the "lesbian" as a way to avoid you.

Mark


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