# married do not want to fall for a single coworker



## lostgirl07 (Feb 2, 2016)

As for this person, I don't know if I can break my marriage or if this person simply has a crush on me or lusting on me? However, I do strongly wish for this person to be my friend atleast. Also, its very awkward to work next to him without interacting? Also, one of the reason for me, if we are casual friends I wasn't thinking about him as much as when the ignoring thing started. Ignoring to the extent of avoiding eye contact too. my mind wanders is he a player or a good guy who realized that nothing could go further with me being married?

1. How do I get him to behave normally with me? He talks to other people all the time but not me. 
2. Should I assume he has crush on me and so ignoring me? (he did make jokes about me getting a divorce).


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

I can think of a lot of evil things to do but to keep someone on hold like you are doing with your husband I find not only sad but disgusting what people do to other people.

And even worse, you are basically already in an EA with another guy.

You had to have some reason to choose your husband. If you think the grass is greener after this guy realizes you'll expect HIM to foot the bills and see you without makeup each day I bet you'll have a surprise coming.

Only word I can think of to give you for advice is KARMA.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

He is either a decent guy backing off fast or a player looking to score big. I am posting on iPad and qouting is difficult as is editing. Please disregaurd elements that don't apply 

Did you say your wife travels for work/

Print this off and let your wife read it, it makes the point better than most can.

Findingmyway was a player, I don't know if he comes on here much now, but he did leave a point of view thread although I can't find it. .:
***********************************************

My perspective- as a serial cheat. Before I start, I'm no GQ model look alike and I'm not wealthy.

For me, it was always about extra sex. The thrill of the chase and ego boost was a plus, but I just wanted more sex than my wife did. I always loved my wife and certainly never ever wanted to leave her or lose her. Especially not over someone else's wayward wife.

I had a simple method. I used it because it worked. I targeted married women. I figured they were safer for several important reasons.
1- Less likely to be sleeping around with random guys (STDs).
2- Less likely to pull the crazy girlfriend BS and call my wife.
3- In case of an unwanted pregnancy, I had a built in schmuck to pay the tab and would have claimed to have had a vasectomy.

The most important part of being a player is to hide it. I started with shy looks making certain I'd get caught and then doing my best to look embarrassed. If she started to come around more or dress sexier then I'd try a safe compliment. If she called me on my BS (yes, it happened) I simply acted highly offended. After all, I'm a married family man. That usually got me an apology. A few really smart ones just avoided me altogether.

If she accepted the compliment, I knew I had a chance. I never ever wasted time with someone that I didn't want to bed. If the compliment was successful, I simply followed with more as time permitted and just let things develop. Who knew where it would go? When she would speak with me about her frustrations with her husband (they always complained about their husband) I used that to my advantage. If they complained that he didn't do enough with the kids, I was dad of the year. If he didn't help out around the house, I did everything at home so my wife didn't have to. Yes, it was complete BS, but so what. My job was to make them feel special, pretty and needed and to paint the fantasy. After all, my goal was not conversation or friendship. I wanted to score.

Once things progressed and I had to keep it intense unless it was simply a once and done kind of thing. I would do that by pushing her boundaries for sex. Anal, public hook-up whatever. Keep in mind, I'm in it for the sex so I tried for everything I liked and heard more than once statements like... I never even let my husband do that. That was usually with anal, but sometimes public hook-ups also.

I certainly didn't want to be paying for hotel rooms out my pocket. If she wanted to pay, that was fine. Otherwise, we could hook-up anywhere, it didn't matter to me.

I always advised them to keep the secret between us, because it was so special. Actually, I didn't want to get busted. If they got busted, and some did. That was their tough crap to deal with. I certainly never vowed to love/honor/cherish them.

As I look back, I'm stunned at how easy it was and how many fell for my crap. I had some that would try to pull away and I'd feed them the star crossed lovers BS, you know... kept apart by the cruel hand of fate. That worked like magic to seal the deal. I also used things like I think my wife may have cheated on me. Then I'd work in how I got tested for STDs and it was clear and somehow manage to mention my vasectomy (never had one). Understand? I'm safe, you won't catch anything if you sleep with me and I won't get you pregnant. That was the message.

The one thing that sent me running was the fear of getting caught and sometimes I just wanted a quick bang and wasn't in it for a couple of months of an affair. I'm still also amazed by how many didn't see through my crap either. They didn't have to deal with the day to day stresses that adults face with me (finances, mortgages, car payments, child care, time commitments, etc.). With me, it was just fun and sex. The poor bastard at home didn't have a chance once the play was in motion. It also helped me to see him as a douche-bag when his wife whined about him for whatever reason.

I work with a woman that has lost everything over an affair with me. The house, husband, family, etc. It's difficult to see. She hates me now, but I never vowed anything to her or forced her to do anything. That's her tough crap. Her kids are in therapy, their grades tanked and she's struggling financially and the kids blame her, etc. Honestly, I wish she'd quit so I didn't have to see her every freaking day.


I do know a few like me that I consider even worse. They brag and laugh about getting wayward wives to do things and try to get email or text proof to show off. It's pretty easy, just tell her how much he liked doing X with her last night and let her respond. Then they had proof to brag about and trade notes. I didn't do that. I just wanted the sex and avoided the women they talked about. I liked to find the ones who would seem to be the last to ever do anything like this. Goes back to my 3 reasons.

I never flirted with a married woman unless I wanted in her pants. Plain and simple, you do have to hide it so they don't see it coming, but it's really that basic. Other players use different methods, but we all use what works and modify sometimes if we're not progressing to try a different angle. Not all women are the same, and sometimes deviations are required if she'll let you in her pants.

It was never about love, just sex. I sold the fantasy, yes. But that is all it ever was. A fair trade. They were adults and quite frankly should have known better. Am I a predator, I certainly never thought so and I certainly never thought about what would happen to them when we were done. Yes, all my affairs ended. Most stayed married to their H they *****ed about and screwed around on. Therefore, he must not have been that bad. People just get caught up with unrealistic expectations on life I think. For goodness sake, Prince charming is only charming because he wants a blow job.

Before I close, I'll say this as well. An engaged woman would have worked for me also, but I never found one that would go for me. Also, newly married women are much harder to get. I had the best luck with women who had been married for at least several years, throw a kid or two in the mix and they were usually more susceptible to being chased.

It was a fair trade. Attention and compliments for sex.
findingmyway is offline Forward Message


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

So, for findingmyway you are in the sweet spot.


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## spunkycat08 (Nov 14, 2013)

OP:

The 2 of you are co-workers.

That is it.


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## becareful (Jan 28, 2016)

You say you are very strong minded but you allowed this avoidance from your coworker to get to you to the point that you fantasize about him. You are also jealous that he talks to others but not to you. He lives rent free in your head, by your own admission.

You say you are not looking for an emotional affair but it's pretty clear that has already started with the casual flirting. Some people say they find cheating abhorrent but then they become a cheater themselves.

You tell us your husband is a good guy, caring, loyal, but you don't feel any spark for him. Have you told him that and give this good husband of yours a chance to better himself as a husband? Does he know that you don't feel any spark for him?

You say you don't think you will ever fall in love with your husband. What is your definition of love? 

I read somewhere that if a wife finds a man that she has feelings for and compares him to her husband, her husband will lose every time. I enjoy a good train wreck as much as the next person, except when it comes to the destruction of marriages. Good luck to you and your marriage.


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## becareful (Jan 28, 2016)

findingmyway said:


> I work with a woman that has lost everything over an affair with me. The house, husband, family, etc. It's difficult to see. She hates me now, but I never vowed anything to her or forced her to do anything. That's her tough crap. Her kids are in therapy, their grades tanked and she's struggling financially and the kids blame her, etc. Honestly, I wish she'd quit so I didn't have to see her every freaking day.


I find findmyway's post illuminating and also repulsive. Kudos to all the smart and perceptive women who saw his intentions.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

I'm married but I know I could easily "fall" for a coworker. You know how I do it? I don't flirt casually or formally. I avoid situations that would lead me to temptation. You're an adult, act like one. 

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Your poor husband, getting up every day, taking care of the kids, doing his best to take care of his wife. Driving to work wondering why his wife doesn't show any passion.

OP, how would you feel if you read a thread that contained the following - "Hello TAM, wondering if you can help me - I've been married 10 years, have a couple of kids. I've tried my best to be a good husband, but my wife shows very little interest in me. Seems like all she wants me for is a paycheck. My problem is a new co-worker, let's call her Susie. She isn't eye candy, some might call her a little plump. But she laughs at my jokes, and actually seems to pay attention to me when I talk to her. Lately, I've noticed that her top button on her blouse is undone, and when she bends over, her curves drive me to distraction. I never thought I would be attracted to someone like her, but when she is actually "present" in a conversation with me, I feel something I haven't felt for a long time.

OP, you then realize your husband wrote this.

Not saying your husband is perfect, he probably does have some flaws that need work.

But your comparing your husband to another man, and in your mind your husband will lose EVERY time.

Has your husband shown you passion in the past and you shut him down.

Does your husband hum the country song "It's hard to kiss the lips that chewed your ass all day long"?

Other posters have asked some good questions, my final thought as I expressed this in another thread as well.

No one can MAKE you happy, you sound dis-contented. Happy needs to come from within yourself. No spouse can make their SO piss their pants happy all the time.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

You're telling us you married and had children with a man you never had passion for? I call BS. You're doing what ALL WWs do. Re-writing the marital history, so they can justify betraying their husband. 

We TAMers have seen this movies so many times. You're dying to drop your panties for this guy. He probably saw where this was heading and didn't want to be that type of guy. Unless he's doing the classic push/pull on you. Come on hot to get your attention and then back off to give attention to another woman which causes you to qualify yourself to him. 

Hopefully it's the former and he's just a guy that has the moral fiber to not pursue a married mother. You on the other hand, have the mindset of a typical soon to WW going through a midlife crises, already blaming your husband for the temp of your marriage.

If the advice you want is how to win this guy. Just keep coming on to him. Wear more provocative clothes. Eventually he give. It's hard to pass up married mother p.... handed to you on a platter.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I never had sparks for the man I married and had kids with.....

I want to puke.

You are totally full of poo, or just a common, typical cheater that invents reasons to divorce a decent guy.

My suggestion, and I mean it sincerely:

Divorce your husband and let him find a woman who appreciates him and wants to screw him violently every night. That's what he deserves.
I want you to be happy, too. That wont happen if you're walking around with guilt of an affair all the time. Don't bring up kids. Your husband will take care of them, and you likely don't have sparks for them either.
You deserve your freedom.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SnowToArmPits (Jan 2, 2016)

Don't cheat on your husband with a guy from work. Because that can get you fired and you're going to need your job if you're caught cheating and you end up as a divorced, single parent.

Before you cheat on your husband get some intensive marriage counseling for you and hubby, see if there's any way you can ignite a spark between you. Your husband needs to hear from you there's a five-alarm fire in your marriage. He's obviously deaf to the alarm blaring away, that's his bad, but you're his wife - be brave and tell him for Christ's sake.

If your husband is truly that unattractive to you, be honest with him and divorce him and only then start dating. You're going to half kill him if he discovers you're cheating on him.


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## KJ_Simmons (Jan 12, 2016)

I have no sympathy for you, OP.

And that player how-to by Findingmyway is scary...scary because it's true and few wives are immune to that type of stuff in a tense marriage.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Go read "Women's Infidelity". It is a pdf which you can find on the internet. You fit the mold perfectly.

Why do I bring this up? Because if you don't find passion for your husband you WILL end up cheating on him. Your husband and kids deserve more than what you're giving them now. Either find passion for your husband or do him the favor of divorce.

At some point if he realizes he is no more than an ATM for your comfortable lifestyle and a home handyman to keep your house nice, he is going to be gone. You're already betraying him. His love, his loyalty, his devotion.

So how do you stop thinking about this guy at work? You realize you're already straying and hate that you're doing it. If you can't do that, you shouldn't be married. That isn't intended to be an insult, it is just fact.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Kritisanon,

I understand your feelings, all of us are vulnerable when we are not getting our needs met.

The question is how to get those needs met by your H.

I can tell you that when I recovered my marriage in 2008, I decided I was going to meet my W’s needs without any expectation of getting it returned from her. I ended the stalemate of “I’m not going to meet your needs because you don’t meet mine”

Perhaps these books will help.

Robot Check your local library might have a copy.

Also “his needs her needs” same author.

Tamat


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Kritisanon,

Here is something someone else wrote to ponder if you are being drawn into an affair.

*
My perspective is from that of the OW who became the new wife. I hope this helps someone.

You will get to be responsible for destroying the life of another woman. You will get to be responsible for destroying the lives of all children involved. No, children are not resilient. They are sponges and take in everything around them whether they are capable of processing it or not. And when they are not able to process their world being shattered and all the conflicting messages about right and wrong, you will get to deal with all their issues and mistakes and anger as they grow up. You will have to know all the while that whatever is happening is a direct result of your selfishness. If the child fails at school, can’t control their anger, becomes promiscuous, falls into addictions, can’t maintain good relationships of their own you get to know in the back of your mind and deep in your soul that you are responsible for what molded that child. Whether you admit it or not, you WILL know. You will not be able to fix this; it will not work out, smooth over, or ever be okay. Even if you look like the Cleavers on the surface it is under there bubbling and will come out. Don’t think you are special and you will escape this result.

Maybe right now you are in a place where you are in deep denial about the children and you don’t give a crap about the BW. Let me appeal to your sense of selfishness then and tell you what you personally are going to suffer in the years to come…

You are marrying a cheater. Someone who didn’t like what they had at home so they went looking for something better. Or maybe you offered him something better? It doesn’t really matter who started it, who lied more, it doesn’t even really matter if you were tricked into a relationship not knowing he was married at first. Your consequences will be the same. You now have a spouse who gave up one family and chose you and yours. Feels great right? Think again. How long do you think it will take before you stop feeling like a prize?

The minute things go wrong, and face it, in all marriages there are these times, he is going to be looking at you and wondering if you were worth it. And you will feel it. Even if he doesn’t say it right out. He is going to realize that this marriage requires just as much work as the old one did and you are not nearly as perfect in real life as he thought you were and he is going to be angry for what he has sacrificed for you. Now you get to be insecure and feel like you are always fighting to be worth it to him.

You are going to be labeled as the [censored] for the entire rest of your life. No matter what changes or personal revelations you come to, you will be the [censored] that wrecked a home and stole a husband. There will be innumerable family conflicts over this. You are likely to have his kids hating your guts forever. This means that every holiday, school concert, soccer game, big family event like graduations and weddings, and grandkids (yes, it will last that far and long) will be sources of conflict instead of happy times.

You will probably not be invited to a lot of things that your spouse should be attending with his children. You may show up anyway, asserting your position as the new wife. But it will be a conflict. You spouse will have to over and over choose between you and his original family. He is going to resent you for this. You are going to get so tired of constantly being the center of conflict and so tired of all the hate directed at you and no one is going to sympathize with you. When you do impose yourself where the BW and her children and extended family and friends are you will feel the scarlet letter that you wear burning in your chest no matter how high you try to hold your head. I promise you, you will. You and your stolen spouse will fight over this more than you can imagine in the years to come.

And guess what?! When he starts to pull away from you and works late more, or isn’t insatiable in bed with you anymore, or cuts his hair a new way you are going to be terrified. You are going to be terrified because you know exactly what he might be doing next. You are going to be suspicious probably before he actually even does anything because you already know he is untrustworthy.

Chances are he is going to cheat again too. Except this time on you. Now, you get to feel the pain of being a BW doubled by the pain of realizing exactly what you did to someone else. The guilt and shame on top of your already devastating pain from being cheated on will be unbearable. Now listen to this closely NO ONE IS GOING TO CARE!! You are going to hear and know that you should have known better and have the old adages about cheaters thrown in your face over and over. You will not be able to come somewhere like these boards for support because they are going to crucify you! You will be all alone with your pain and your heartache with no one to blame but yourself.

Do not think you are special. DO NOT THINK IT WON’THAPPEN TO YOU!!!!!!!!!! The stats are overwhelmingly high. No one gets married thinking that their spouse will cheat. No one. I promise you are not different or better somehow.

Occasionally an affair partner will grow a conscience and want to be a good person and here is what happens…

Now, let’s say that you make changes in your heart and your life. Let say you find God or in whatever way it comes to you, you realize that you have done something horrendous. Okay, now you actually do care about those kids and that BW. Well too bad. You can’t fix it. Yes, God will forgive you if you repent. Not many others will. And you will have one heck of a time trying to forgive yourself. You will feel sick and ashamed all the time. You will cry many bitter tears.

You will not be able to look at your spouse and feel the same way you once did. All of your memories of when you first met, your first kiss, the early days of your relationship will be tainted. All of those memories that are supposed to be sweet will be sour. You will not be able to enjoy them because you know that whole time it was wrong, wrong, wrong! What are you left with? Not much.

You are going to try to offer apologies, you are going to try to figure out what you can possibly do to make amends and there are going to be no easy answers. You will be told by many that you can’t repent and stay married. You will be told by just as many that if God has forgiven you that another divorce would be just another sin. You will make yourself crazy over this because you want to do the right thing for once in your life and you have put yourself in a situation where it is impossible to know what that it.

Also, if you are one of the few who have this attack of conscience at some point down the road, you are still going to be dealing with all the same stuff above that the unremorseful affair partner is dealing with except it’s probably going to hurt you even more because you now genuinely care. Too bad no one will think you are sincere or trust your words. Why should they, remember what you did?? Of course you do, now go cry some more as if it will help.

There are no time machines people!! You are making a mess bigger than you can ever clean up!!

There is really a lot more I could say about how this is going to play out but this is already getting very long.

Like I said, this is from my perspective but just change the pronouns and it is the same for anyone entering into an adulterous relationship. Man or woman, whether you are the WW, WH, AP, it’s going to end in ruin.

You have been warned.

And if anyone out there is currently involved in waywardness and wants to ask me something, fire away! I will answer any and everything asked if it will get you to stop what you are doing and reconcile your family before it is too late.

Unfortunately if you are already married to your AP don’t bother asking me. I can’t help you because I cannot help myself. I live in the ruins of my own creation. You like me should have seen the light sooner. Sorry.

To the BS out there who may read this, I can only hope that knowing that your spouse is not going to be happy and their AP is not going to be happy helps you feel a little bit vindicated. I promise you that even if they look like the picture of happiness on the outside they are not. They have a cancer eating their souls. You can have a better life. They won’t.

NewCreation2011*


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Let's assume that what you wrote in the OP is completely legit and not a rewrite of history due to an infatuation - that you never felt any attraction to your H. Why did you marry him if you never felt an attraction to him?


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## lostgirl07 (Feb 2, 2016)

To explain everyone why I married my husband - it was more of
family pressure thing and I was pretty young 22 it just seemed 
the right thing to do. n besides, he was and is a nice guy so went in
for the marriage. Its not a lame excuse but that's how things have happened. 

In all years of marriage, I have never enjoyed sex, of course since it is a big part of marriage, it has been part of life but
not something I relished or cherished. All these years, I thought 
may be something was wrong with my hormones or body to have
never enjoyed sex. 

But now suddenly, I feel alive, I have these feelings I have never had in the past so many years. In no ways, I m trying to blame my husband for this or validating the thought of an extra-marital affair.
I am pretty attractive so I do get lots of attention from men but have never fallen for it as I did value my family and what my husband provides - its not just the paycheck - its the loyalty, security, love for the kids. 

I am sure as hell unable to understand my own reactions - my heart is pounding like crazy, I cant even sleep, I have been trying to distract myself away from these thoughts and as I said in my original post I do not want to fall in this. I am already a mess just with the thoughts so obviously cant handle all the mess if I slip into this. 

and I m not a kind of person who can have quick sex with someone and forget about it, there is deeper need for love, understanding with sex that I need. So one night stand or fling is not for me. I am not comfortable seeing a therapist with my husband as I don't want to hurt him. I don't want him to be stressed out when I haven't even really done anything physical not even a touch. Emotional yes but not physical or real. 














intheory said:


> He is probably a decent guy, who saw the attraction between you two developing; realized you were married, and is backing off respectfully.
> 
> You need to do the same. You are thinking about him romantically. You are married.
> 
> ...


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

kritisanon said:


> To explain everyone why I married my husband - it was more of
> family pressure thing and I was pretty young 22 it just seemed
> the right thing to do. n besides, he was and is a nice guy so went in
> for the marriage. Its not a lame excuse but that's how things have happened.
> ...


I don't know what to say. You say you never loved your husband. If this is true, you made an unforgivable mistake already. You started a life with a man and let him build a family with you---on a LIE. You KNEW you didn't love this man and married him. DId you just want the big wedding thing and be the center of attention?
Did you want security of having someone else provide for you?
That is so WRONG!

Again, I say this. Don't fall for this guy. Just switch jobs or tell him to go away. If you're not having great sex with a man who provides and cares for you, you're not going to have great sex with anyone else most likely, either. (just my opinion).
He's had all these years to figure out just what you liked (or not in this case, because you must not have cared about pleasing yourself because you were too worried about the fact that YOU DIDN'T love him).

I say get away from this emotional affair (which is JUST AS BAD mentally as a physical affair. Worse, actually, because it's your emotions you've given away, and not just wanting some sex), and wait until you're over it. Then, if you feel the same way--you don't love your husband--- just divorce and go away from the marriage knowing you did the only thing you knew to do in order to be happy. I assure you, if you don't love this man, he is JUST AS UNHAPPY AS YOU.

DO the honorable thing and stop this affair and just divorce if that's what needs to happen. I promise, there are other people than this affair partner that you can find to love. And if you try to do the best you can by your husband, which may include divorce, you will be more mentally prepared to have a good 2nd marriage.

I'm sorry I can't give you more positive advice. This is all just bad, bad, bad.


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## SnowToArmPits (Jan 2, 2016)

kritisanon said:


> I am not comfortable seeing a therapist with my husband as I don't want to hurt him. I don't want him to be stressed out when I haven't even really done anything physical not even a touch. Emotional yes but not physical or real.


kritisanon - It's time to 'hurt' him if that's what you want to call sharing your true feelings about your marriage with him. Yes it's going to be a hell of a shock for him, but really what are the alternatives?

A lot of marriages require hard work to succeed, counseling can be an important part of that. He's in for a world of hurt here, counseling can help both of you manage that.

If you're feeling trapped in your marriage and are very unhappy, talk to him first. Maybe it's time to end your marriage and find someone else, but give him a head's up. 

He's the father of your children. If he catches you cheating you're going to crush him. Your kids will be living in a broken marriage, and have a zombie, broken father. You want him co-parenting on all cylinders if possible. If you divorce, you don't want to co-parent with him hating your guts, or, being a broken shell of a man for 6 or 12 months. Very bad for your kids.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

kritisanon,

Everything everyone has already said is 100% spot on. You are treading in dangerous and devastating territory. The only things I would add are:

1. You need to sit down and tell your husband how you feel about the marriage. He might feel the same way and want a divorce.
2. Change jobs. Never flirt or tell a co-worker of the opposite sex personal things about yourself.
3. Get counseling and find out who you really are and what you really want from life.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

and I m not a kind of person who can have quick sex with someone and forget about it, there is deeper need for love, understanding with sex that I need. So one night stand or fling is not for me. I am not comfortable seeing a therapist with my husband as I don't want to hurt him. I don't want him to be stressed out when I haven't even really done anything physical not even a touch. Emotional yes but not physical or real.[/QUOTE]

So then you must have loved your husband at one point, if sex has to come with love and understanding.

I think you are still making excuses, woman up and talk to your husband about your sexual needs, he probably has some you are not fulfilling too. Find another job or get transferred to a different department. 

But above all be honest with your husband.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

One reason you SHOULD discuss this with your husbansd and tell him about this co worker is because your husband will obviously not only be hurt but will be watching your actions and make it easier to catch you if you start an affair.

Most people who begin to cheat do not think they will ever get caught. If he knows what is in your mind and is watching you it may dissuade you from what is certainly going to happen if you continue this flirting and craving some relationship with this OM.

you might want to read the book "Not just Friends". And remember, probably 90 or more of women who wheat make the statement I could never have a ONS


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## lostgirl07 (Feb 2, 2016)

I have tried to tell him recently that I do feel something is missing in our relationship and I need him to comfort me more. He doesn't take it seriously, he feels we need a break or am I just bored out 
of the routine life. 

He has always loved me from the day he has met me and I do respect him a lot. He knew when we got married that I didn't love him, so it was not based on a lie. His point of view was love happens over a period of time and I bought into that. 

Even though our sex life has never been too exciting, overall our married life has been good. In fact at some point, I felt guilty as I avoided him for sex just couldn't do it, but over the past year or so, I have been able to have decent sex with him for the sake of our marriage and our happiness, even though he has never complained about it. 

I haven't made it very obvious to him that I don't love him, in fact we are living a perfect life from the view of outsider, all of our friends think of us as a good couple. We help each other in every arena of life - professional, kids, house work, social life. Its just that some part of me always felt like something has been missing. Guess I am stupid to seek that excitement over a stable long term relationship or may be the extra attention I received got me in this crazy state of mind.













SnowToArmPits said:


> kritisanon - It's time to 'hurt' him if that's what you want to call sharing your true feelings about your marriage with him. Yes it's going to be a hell of a shock for him, but really what are the alternatives?
> 
> A lot of marriages require hard work to succeed, counseling can be an important part of that. He's in for a world of hurt here, counseling can help both of you manage that.
> 
> ...


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## Popcorn2015 (Sep 10, 2015)

How much do your make in your job? How much does your husband make in his?

Depending on the numbers, you should strongly consider quitting your job.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

So stop pursuing your single coworker emotionally and you won't fall for him.

You've given up on your marriage so no advice there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

Please do the decent thing and leave your husband. Leave him the kids so they stand a chance at being decent human beings as well. 

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## MRR (Sep 14, 2015)

Popcorn2015 said:


> How much do your make in your job? How much does your husband make in his?
> 
> Depending on the numbers, you should strongly consider quitting your job.


this is not a problem specific to this job. she gets a new job, it happens again, guaranteed. read her post above.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Before you stray, and you think you want to still be in this marriage you need to keep away from this guy and seek ways to improve it. 

Depending on where you live, cheating on a spouse in the eyes of court of law is a very big deal. In my state you can sue your spouse,their lover and the spouse adultery is a felony in my state with imprisonment not to exceed 5 years.

I suggest if you are that unhappy, then just get a divorce and move on.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Be brave and open up to your husband about everything.

You may be surprised at how love can grow from respect.

Sex absolutely can improve and so can romance.

He should have a chance to win your heart given how much you respect him and think highly of him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lostgirl07 (Feb 2, 2016)

Just because I strayed for a few weeks just in my mind thinking about someone else - makes you give me a judgement that I m not a good human being - not decent enough to raise my own kids?
you make it sound like I have slept with 10 men already. Are we not all humans and have had temptations we are supposed to fight off? 

Or if this judgement call is for me being honest enough to say that yes I didn't feel the spark for my husband even after being with him for years? How am i supposed to force myself to feel a certain way. I have been faithful for 10 year, been with him through his ups and downs in his life.

I guess people on this thread are very fortunate to have love in their marriage or have never seen any marriage without love to sustain for kids or family or companionship or security or comfort or whatever other reason.






Sbrown said:


> Please do the decent thing and leave your husband. Leave him the kids so they stand a chance at being decent human beings as well.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

kritisanon said:


> Just because I strayed for a few weeks just in my mind thinking about someone else - makes you give me a judgement that I m not a good human being - not decent enough to raise my own kids?
> you make it sound like I have slept with 10 men already. Are we not all humans and have had temptations we are supposed to fight off?
> 
> Or if this judgement call is for me being honest enough to say that yes I didn't feel the spark for my husband even after being with him for years? How am i supposed to force myself to feel a certain way. I have been faithful for 10 year, been with him through his ups and downs in his life.
> ...


Calm down. Lot of folks here have seen a lot of heartbreak and are thinking ahead of where you are actually at right now.

I don't believe you are dishonorable yet. I think you are worn down from the absence of love and passion.

I also believe that it can be developed with your husband to the point where you are very satisfied emotionally and physically with him.

It will require bravery and work from you and understanding and work from him.

I've personally witnessed far more dire situations than yours experience complete reversals.

Don't give up. Your situation is not going to be solved quickly.

If advice doesn't align with your goals, like divorce, then don't take it.

I think figuring out some healthy goals is a good step for you right now.

Your coworker is not a healthy destination and you don't want a divorce so stick around and ask more questions.

There is a wealth of knowledge and references that will be offered to you here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pollo (Oct 17, 2014)

"Recently met a single guy at work, seemed to hit off instantly, casual flirting, showed every sign that he liked me."

"I was thinking of it to be platonic friendship"

Bull$hit


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I'm impressed that you're asking about this before it has become physical. It hasn't, I hope.

I am very saddened to know that in spite of you admiring and respecting him, you haven't been able to fall in love with him. That isn't your fault, I guess. 

I will say that I think he will be much harder than you think to replace. You can find a man easily, Eapecially if you're attractive. But I think quality will be hard to find. 

Do what you think is best, but please don't screw him over financially, take the kids from him, and please be honest with him. 

Life doesn't always turn out like we expect; rarely it seems... 
I appreciate your concise posts, and hope you and he find what youre looking for.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I really don't think she wants to leave her husband folks and she doesn't want to cheat either.

Maybe we could direct our posts in a direction that she is actually trying to go?

We are good at conclusions but OP is not at the finish line yet and we aren't even sure what race she wants to run. Neither is she.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

The more info you provide, the sadder I get for your husband. He's giving all he knows to give, and you're so ready to throw it away. He has no idea, that the mother of his kids is so ready to open her legs for a guy she barely know because he knows how to be playful and flirts in a way that push your buttons. Your husband and father of your children barely rates a blip on your sexual radar.

Sadly that's a trend I'm seeing all of the place. Become an entertaining flirt and woman willing want to give everything on their menu. Be an honorable man that respects, provides, and is willing to do the hard work of being there for her through the up & downs of life, and your rewarded with vanilla sex at best or a mostly sexless marriage that is sprinkled with duty sex at worst. No wonder the marriage rate for the younger generation is so low, who wants to sign up for what your serving your husband. Do all the right things then get rewarded by the ultimate betrayal then knowing the courts are going to side with the wife. No fault divorce mean's the man's fault.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I am female and married, and have had other men interested in me. My advise to you, is knock off any contact. You are just playing with fire otherwise. How would you feel if your husband was in your situation and what would you want him to do about the interested female?


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

kritisanon said:


> To explain everyone why I married my husband - it was more of
> family pressure thing and I was pretty young 22 it just seemed
> the right thing to do. n besides, he was and is a nice guy so went in
> for the marriage. Its not a lame excuse but that's how things have happened.
> ...




You realize there are webdites and books dedicated to reeling in a married women?
To making her crave you obsessively?

Up to and including pulling the trigger by ignoring her, right?

He has played your Limbic System perfectly.

His reward will be a sex crazed horny hot wife.

Think about looking into your husbands eyes and seeing the most devastating pain you can imagine there and realizing that YOU put it there.

How happy will your life be then?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

kritisanon said:


> Just because I strayed for a few weeks just in my mind thinking about someone else - makes you give me a judgement that I m not a good human being - not decent enough to raise my own kids?


Sadly, as you can see, a lot of people here will attack you instead of offering help. This is because there are a lot of hurt people here so they lash out at anyone who admits to anything that even suggests an affair. I hope that you can take any good that is posted and let the rest go.

There are those here who will help you.


kritisanon said:


> you make it sound like I have slept with 10 men already. Are we not all humans and have had temptations we are supposed to fight off?


People often have little control over emotions that pop up. What we do have control over is how we respond and act in relation to those feelings.

I’ve been in your shoes in that years ago, I was married and did fall for a guy who I was working with. The way I handled it was to just ignore my feelings and those thoughts that pop up. I was in love with my husband. But it is completely possible for a person to love more than one person romantically. It happens all the time.

As I said, I ignored the feelings. I learned long before that that feelings of infatuation/love can be very misleading. They can come and go. I also learned that if these feelings are ignored they go away. If you keep feeding them as you have been, they will not go away. You have 100% control over this.

There is no way that you can be friends with this guy. Go to work. Go your job. Go home. And perhaps look for a new job. 

And don’t tell your husband about this. What nonsense. You have not cheated. Your falling for this guy is a warning sign to YOU. It tells you that here is something missing in your marriage relationship. I’m not saying that your husband is at fault. You are both equally responsible for the current state of your marriage.

Use this infatuation as the 5 start alarm for your marriage. There are things that you can do to fix what is wrong with your marriage and build the passion that you need.

My suggestion is that you get the book “His Needs, Her Needs” by Dr. Harley. Read it. Have your husband read it. And then the two of you do what is says to do.

While I do not think you need to tell your husband about the guy at work, you do need to tell him that you are unhappy in your marriage and really need for him to work with you to fix it and to build the passion you need in your life.
As far as you lack of interest in sex… I think you would benefit greatly from seeing a sex therapist. 



kritisanon said:


> Or if this judgement call is for me being honest enough to say that yes I didn't feel the spark for my husband even after being with him for years? How am i supposed to force myself to feel a certain way. I have been faithful for 10 year, been with him through his ups and downs in his life.
> 
> I guess people on this thread are very fortunate to have love in their marriage or have never seen any marriage without love to sustain for kids or family or companionship or security or comfort or whatever other reason.


Most of the people responding had marriages in which their spouse cheated and are no longer married because of it. That is why you are being beat up on.


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## Jeffyboy (Apr 7, 2015)

Get into some different hobbies so you'll be busy and won't have time to think about it. In my experience, when there's nothing to do, it's easy for our minds to wander to that special someone...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ConanHub said:


> I really don't think she wants to leave her husband folks and she doesn't want to cheat either.
> 
> Maybe we could direct our posts in a direction that she is actually trying to go?
> 
> We are good at conclusions but OP is not at the finish line yet and we aren't even sure what race she wants to run. Neither is she.


I agree. The OP could use some help instead of being trashed.


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## SnowToArmPits (Jan 2, 2016)

kritisanon said:


> I have *tried to tell him* recently that I do feel something is missing in our relationship and I need him to comfort me more. He doesn't take it seriously, he feels we need a break or am I just bored out
> of the routine life.


kritisanon - try harder.

I've been in a bad marriage. It sucks. From what you've described he doesn't understand how dire things are in your marriage. He needs to start taking it seriously, make it happen.

If he's not going to work on your marriage with you, and you're not willing to settle for the status quo, you need to start thinking about you're what you're going to do about it. 

You sound pretty unhappy, I'm really sorry for that. So put a plan together and try to make things better.

Would you consider getting some individual counseling, a coach, to help you figure out how to do this?


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

I believe in trying to be helpful and encouraging. TAM provides an invaluable service to countless people who come here completely broken, needing guidance. 

Having said that, in this thread it is clear as day that the only reason this hasn't been taken to the next level is because the co-worker has not pursued it. I've read to many threads on TAM, SI, and especially LS, to see where this would and could still be heading. 

But in the spirit of being more positive and helpful, I encourage OP to sound the alarm for the husband. Just vaguely telling your husband that you're not happy has not worked and probably will be no different this time around. If you can't tell your husband that you've been fantasizing about a coworker, then at least let him know you've been completely unsatisfied sexually. 

You said you don't want to hurt his feelings by telling him how you feel about the marriage sexually. Doing nothing puts your family peril. How much worse would he feel knowing that the woman that is supposed to have his back and is the mother of his kids gave herself to another man.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

FWIW kritisanon, 20 years ago something crazy also happened to me whenever one of my husband's friends would come over to see him. The friend's wife was cheating on him, asking for a divorce, and planning to rip his 2 children from him by keeping them in another state. He needed my husband's friendship. The guy was not very intelligent, incredibly ugly, and limped from an accident he had been in, but he was ex Navy Seal, 6'3" a weight lifter and very masculine. I believe what happened to me was organic in nature (pheremones in the air?) He never flirted and I never flirted, but my hormones went crazy when he came over. My heart would race and I got a very strange feeling. When I realized what my body was doing to me whenever he came over to be with my husband, I began to keep our conversations very short, and I stayed away. It was very easy to stay away because I didn't want to cheat on my husband, or ruin a friendship.

I tell you this so you will know that others have been in your shoes. Resist the attraction and take care of your marriage. Cheating won't be good for you or your marriage.

Something else to consider: If you get involved with this guy, and it doesn't work out (which it probably won't because affairs usually don't turn in to marriages) your work environment will be messed up.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

And just so you know, I didn't tell my husband about it until 15 years later, after he fell for a woman and cheated on me. I told him so he would know that I am not blind to other men or asexual, but that I have integrity and self control. I didn't tell him who the man was, so he could remain friends with his friend without any weirdness. The friend doesn't live near us, but someday they might meet again.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

IMFarAboveRubies said:


> FWIW kritisanon, 20 years ago something crazy also happened to me whenever one of my husband's friends would come over to see him. The friend's wife was cheating on him, asking for a divorce, and planning to rip his 2 children from him by keeping them in another state. He needed my husband's friendship. The guy was not very intelligent, incredibly ugly, and limped from an accident he had been in, but he was ex Navy Seal, 6'3" a weight lifter and very masculine. I believe what happened to me was organic in nature (pheremones in the air?) He never flirted and I never flirted, but my hormones went crazy when he came over. My heart would race and I got a very strange feeling. When I realized what my body was doing to me whenever he came over to be with my husband, I began to keep our conversations very short, and I stayed away. It was very easy to stay away because I didn't want to cheat on my husband, or ruin a friendship.
> 
> I tell you this so you will know that others have been in your shoes. Resist the attraction and take care of your marriage. Cheating won't be good for you or your marriage.
> 
> Something else to consider: If you get involved with this guy, and it doesn't work out (which it probably won't because affairs usually don't turn in to marriages) your work environment will be messed up.


I think that this is so important for people to realize.

There have been posts on here by people who cheat who say things like "well you cannot help who you fall in love with". 

Yes you can. Humans are chemical engines. Someone put out pheromones that we cannot see and our body reacts to it by producing all the 'in love' hormones. 

Or someone pays attention to us when we are vulnerable... and our body reacts to it by producing all the 'in love' hormones. 

Suddenly we are infatuate or "in love". It feels very good.

"FAlling in love" is not some sacred thing that means we need to cheat, leave your spouse, break up our children's lives. We her on TAM see this devastation all the time.

When a person is married and they get that feeling for someone else.. it's a warning, get away from the source, evaluate your marriage and yourself and fix them. There is nothing magic about that 'in love infatuation'. It's just your body making chemicals that make you feel good. People can shut that down.


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## lostgirl07 (Feb 2, 2016)

Thank you ConanHub for understanding. I now get it why I am being lashed out. To most people, the fact that I haven't done anything doesn't mean that I will not do anything - which is also why I am here to validate my thoughts and actions before I fall into what could be a trap like some of you have pointed out. 

You are so right yes I am worn down with lack of passion in my relationship that I had initially settled for. I am equally to be blamed for the current state. However, I can't cheat as I will lose self respect in my own eyes along with the hurt I would cause to my husband.

I needed some awakening from my dreams and I now think I am no less than a fool if I think this guy will marry me and we will have a happy marriage. I know this new relationship will come with many more perils than my current one and I don't want my kids to go through a broken home. 

Jsmart - I don't believe if other guy pursued it, it would have been to the next level as of now. I might sound like I have lost control, but not completely yet. I feel the ignoring game is what actually got me. I do accept that I enjoyed the attention and its withdrawal had effects on me that I never imagined. 

Evinrude58 - We haven't even touched, its a 0 on physical level.

I realize that this is a big warning sign for me. I will communicate more clearly to my husband on my needs and I need counseling as to bring peace within me. 

As far as work is concerned, it is a good position and company that I have worked hard for, I do not want to leave it just for the mess in my head, It is challenging having to work right next to him and yet focus away my thoughts. But I want to be able to control my emotions 100% and tackle the root problem instead.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

kritisanon said:


> As far as work is concerned, it is a good position and company that I have worked hard for, I do not want to leave it just for the mess in my head, I want to be able to control my emotions 100% and tackle the root problem instead.


Then take every precaution to keep your workplace a pleasant place for you. You can take charge of your mind if you think of all the damage that an affair would cause.


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## Lilac23 (Jul 9, 2015)

kritisanon said:


> Married 10 years with kids, marriage is good I should say, however, never had sparks for husband from day 1. Marriage is comfortable, providing however,
> does leave me feeling lonely.
> 
> Recently met a single guy at work, seemed to hit off instantly, casual flirting, showed every sign that he liked me. However, past weeks, he started ignoring me. Until he started ignoring me, I didn't realize, I was thinking of it to be platonic friendship. but its actually growing on me I cant stop thinking about what is going on his mind and why the sudden change? I tried to ask but got a cold response of nothing.


You didn't really start obsessing about him until he started ignoring you, right? Have you ever heard that 'Woman begins by resisting a man's advances and ends by blocking his retreat." - Oscar Wilde? You probably weren't even that interested until you realized he was cold shouldering you. Everyone wants what they can't have and now you feel like you can't have him, but you probably could (for a little while). It's like a pride thing, you want to be the one he wants and now maybe it bugs you that you think he doesn't want you. 




kritisanon said:


> Please don't be judgemental I m not looking for an affair EA or PA. I don't need advice on how to work on my marriage, no matter what i try, even though my
> husband is a good guy, caring, loyal, but I never felt any sparks. I don't think I will ever fall in love with my husband. its like we are in the same room and have nothing to talk about for hours, both doing our own stuff he working, me reading. or I should consider this as love - that he loves and cares for me?


What do you think love is? Passion or commitment, some guy putting up with your kids for a while so he can get in your pants or loving your natural children and raising them with their biological father, hitting on a married woman or being faithful to your wife? 



kritisanon said:


> As for this person, I don't know if I can break my marriage or if this person simply has a crush on me or lusting on me? However, I do strongly wish for this person to be my friend atleast. Also, its very awkward to work next to him without interacting? Also, one of the reason for me, if we are casual friends I wasn't thinking about him as much as when the ignoring thing started. Ignoring to the extent of avoiding eye contact too. my mind wanders is he a player or a good guy who
> realized that nothing could go further with me being married


You are thinking about him waaaay too much, does it really matter what is going on his head since you have already said you wouldn't cheat or leave your husband? Maybe he got a new girlfriend and is distracted so he no longer needs to flirt with the married women at work.



kritisanon said:


> 1. How do I get him to behave normally with me? He talks to other people all the time but not me.
> 2. Should I assume he has crush on me and so ignoring me? (he did make jokes about me getting a divorce).


Repeat to yourself that it doesn't matter what he thinks because you are married and every man but your husband is off limits. You can't make him be normal with you, just go about your work day and do not seek him out or try to make conversation when you see him, be pleasant but businesslike when you see him.



kritisanon said:


> This is affecting me more than I ever imagined. I am very strong minded would never cheat on my husband no matter how much I am tempted as it is
> strictly against my values. However, he seems to occupy my thoughts and fantasy a lot after no interaction - weird how our hearts r wired?


If it is truly affecting you this much, you might need to look for another job. Affecting your work is not good and you just have to let it go. Realize that it is a fantasy and however great you think he is, he's just another guy who that puts his pants on one leg at a time.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

kritisanon said:


> Thank you ConanHub for understanding. I now get it why I am being lashed out. To most people, the fact that I haven't done anything doesn't mean that I will not do anything - which is also why I am here to validate my thoughts and actions before I fall into what could be a trap like some of you have pointed out.
> 
> You are so right yes I am worn down with lack of passion in my relationship that I had initially settled for. I am equally to be blamed for the current state. However, I can't cheat as I will lose self respect in my own eyes along with the hurt I would cause to my husband.
> 
> ...


Counseling is a very good idea.

And get the book "His Needs, Her Needs". There is another book that goes with it, "Love Busters".

In a situation like yours, those two books will do more for you than months and months of counseling.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Kritisanon, 

Now is the time to take a 2x4 to your husband and hit him right between the eyes, but first be prepared. Spend sometime reading two books strongly recommend by many on this site: his needs - her needs and the 5love languages. See how they resonant with you. Then seek out a MC that by training and experience can offer and your husband the guidance need to reach your goal. 

This will take several months. In the meanwhile surround yourself with friends that can support your marriage and family. No GNO with women who's marriage is in crisis or are engaging in adultery or are helping others to do so. Study red flags and the cheater script. Finally set a ridge schedule that allows no time or opportunity to fail. 

Now swing that 2x4. Tell you husband the two of you must see a MC. That you see (not afraid) the marriage ending within the next five years. Use your knowledge of red flags and cheaters script to avoid giving him the wrong idea. He will at some point wonder if you are seeing someone. He might even post on this forum. The first questions will be about red flags and cheater scripts. If he can say their are none, other voices will emerge urging him to listen and work with you. 

You got the posters lashing out was because of the pain your husband will experience if you do commit adultery. That is huge. If the marriage fails, you can be proud that you honored your vows. A person worthy of respect.

Good luck


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

The problem with you continuing to say that " I will never cheat because of the implications", may be well intentioned. However, that statement puts you into the company of the overwhelming mindset of folks who do cheat.
If you do not "LEVEL" with you husband and tell him there is another man at work who you are becoming infatuated with, he will continue to pay no attention to your "hints". Then when you do cross the line and it does become physical, you will blame husband for not paying attention.
Everyone, unless you hide in a cave, finds someone of the opposite sex attractive at some point. But you have now taken it to the next emotional level. Stating that is common sense, not lashing out at you.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

IMFarAboveRubies said:


> FWIW kritisanon, 20 years ago something crazy also happened to me whenever one of my husband's friends would come over to see him. The friend's wife was cheating on him, asking for a divorce, and planning to rip his 2 children from him by keeping them in another state. He needed my husband's friendship. *The guy was not very intelligent, incredibly ugly, and limped from an accident he had been in, but he was ex Navy Seal, 6'3" a weight lifter and very masculine. I believe what happened to me was organic in nature (pheremones in the air?) He never flirted and I never flirted, but my hormones went crazy when he came over. My heart would race and I got a very strange feeling. When I realized what my body was doing to me whenever he came over to be with my husband, I began to keep our conversations very short, and I stayed away. It was very easy to stay away because I didn't want to cheat on my husband, or ruin a friendship.*
> 
> I tell you this so you will know that others have been in your shoes. Resist the attraction and take care of your marriage. Cheating won't be good for you or your marriage.
> 
> Something else to consider: If you get involved with this guy, and it doesn't work out (which it probably won't because affairs usually don't turn in to marriages) your work environment will be messed up.


That's a powerful testimony that I hope can give OP hope that she too can fight those feelings and invest in her marriage. 

Sorry that your husband didn't see what he had. To me, what you just described fighting 20 years ago and how you handled yourself during confrontations with your WH, tells me you picked a perfect user name. Spending a lot of time on TAM and other places can make you very jaded. It's heartening to read there are still good people out there.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Consider this a test of your character. 

What kind of woman are you? What kind of wife are you? What kind of mother are you?

If you are a woman of conviction and knows herself then, you will stay away from this man. You will realize that what you are thinking goes against everything that you. You are stronger than this attraction and you will never give in to these urges.

Are you the wife who cheats on her husband? Or the kind who honors her vows and commitments? Even having thoughts of another man is wrong when you are married. Your husband deserves to have a wife who is faithful in actions and thoughts. He also, deserves a woman who loves and adore him. If you don't care for him, then, let him go. Don't hang on to him out of obligation and family expectations. He deserves to have a happy wife and life. As do you.

How do you honor your children? Are you the mother who is a who** and will gladly disrupt their lives just so she can get her kicks? Or will you be the mother who acts with honor and respect? Who her children can look up to and use as a role model for their lives?

Figure out who you are. You can destroy everything you have now. Or you can cheat and be happy for a few moments.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> ....


kritisanon, I agree 100% with what Ele wrote in that post. In my first response to you I mentioned "Women's Infidelity" because you are quickly and accurately tracking the path the author of the book found as _very typical_ of women who ended up cheating.

I'm in my mid 50's and of course have found a number of female coworkers very attractive. Had I been single I would have been pursuing them. As Ele said, you just have to squash those feelings and attractions. You can't help that you have the feelings, but you can control how you react to them. Yes, you are attracted to someone else, but it doesn't mean you have to want to follow up on it.

You get a little shot of brain chemicals which are very pleasurable when you see this guy or think of him. That is where you have control. Stop seeing him. Change jobs if needed.

The second part of your situation is fixing your marriage. I like the suggestion of getting a book or two, and using that as a springboard. Going to couples therapy is a great idea. A sex therapist may also be a good idea. Most therapists will see you two as a couple most of the time but will see you individually once in a while.

You can not only avert disaster but you can use this as the opportunity to create a really great marriage.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I don't think you should tell your husband about this other man. What you have is an infatuation going on (and the guy is most certainly grooming you to sleep with him). But you do need to talk to your husband about the state of the marriage.

When he asks if there is someone else, you need to have a solid and truthful answer. A therapist can help you with wording, and maybe others here can offer suggestions. Something along the lines of there is nobody else you want to be married to, you aren't cheating on him now, and you have no intention of cheating on him in the future. You would divorce him rather than be a cheater. But what you really want is a solid, fun, and fulfilling marriage with him.

If you let things go any further with this guy, you are cheating on your husband. And then you can't honestly say there isn't anybody else. And that will be a point of no return.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

What bothers the heck out of me as far as trying to figure out how to help you-- and I do enjoy helping people-- is that you say you have NEVER been in love with your husband...

I don't know how to fix that. I can see how if you don't love the guy, how incredibly hard it would be NOT to fall for someone else that you ARE attracted to and have emotions for.
I'm not throwing rocks at you for getting emotionally crazy about another guy. I just know it will darn near kill your husband who by your posts, seems to be in love with and care for you.

I would give anything if I could tell someone how to fall in love with someone. I don't know how, or I would have tried it myself. I was cheated on and divorced. It was beyond horrible. I do hate cheaters. But even I can see that you are a person of conscience and I admire you for that. It just sucks that I have no clue how to help you with the biggest problem here---you don't romantically love your husband. I do think you love him, just not romantically. And never have.
That sucks big time for you and him. 
I hope you find out how and wish you the best of luck. If you divorce but stay faithful beforehand, I couldn't fault you for that. Nobody is perfect.

I'm sorry for your troubles. Life sucks sometimes.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

kritisanon said:


> Thank you ConanHub for understanding. I now get it why I am being lashed out. To most people, the fact that I haven't done anything doesn't mean that I will not do anything - which is also why I am here to validate my thoughts and actions before I fall into what could be a trap like some of you have pointed out.
> 
> You are so right yes I am worn down with lack of passion in my relationship that I had initially settled for. I am equally to be blamed for the current state. However, I can't cheat as I will lose self respect in my own eyes along with the hurt I would cause to my husband.
> 
> ...


Kriti, this is who you really are, at the center of your being, your moral core. You are a good person and a decent woman, I respect you for that.

Be aware that had you followed your lust you would have also lost this wonderful person that you are. Believe me in short order neither you nor those who love you would recognize who you would have become.

*Cheating changes you!*

Nothing is worth it if it destroys your soul. Some never make it back.



EleGirl said:


> I think that this is so important for people to realize.
> 
> There have been posts on here by people who cheat who say things like "well you cannot help who you fall in love with".
> 
> ...


Ele, I have never seen this put better, dont be supprised if I "borrow" your phrases once in a while. I will say this too, I have seen irl that women may not receive this well from a man, it can feel like shaming to them, but you have struck the right balance again. "vive la différence", Thank you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

kritisanon,

You say that you married your husband because your family encourage and basically pushed you to do it. And you said that your husband told you that love would grow after marriage.

Are you from a culture in which arranged marriage is common or the norm?

I think that even though you say that you have never loved your husband, that you do love him. You just do not have that passionate, infatuation of being 'in-love'. The 'in love' feelings can be created. That is what those books that I suggested help with.

Here is another book that I think would help you after the others I suggested. This one should go a long way to help you find the sexual passion that seems lacking in your marriage.


Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence  by Esther Perel 

Esther Perel also has several talks and TedTalks on youtube that are very good.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

kritisanon,

For some reason your story reminds me of my grandmother. 

She married when she was 14. My grandfather was 19. Before anyone freaks out, her marriage age was normal in the time and place.

It was not exactly an arranged marriage. My grandfather worked for her father. Her father really liked my grandmother and encouraged the marriage.

They were married 54 years when my grandfather died. Years later, my grandmother told me that she married him to get away from home. It just seemed like an adventure, fun. She went her entire life feeling that she never loved him. 

Then she told me that when he was on his deathbed, dying she realized the deep passionate love that she had for him all those years. She had just been denying it to herself. And now that she realized it, he was leaving her.

It probably the saddest thing I've ever heard anyone say about their marriage.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Okay, this all make s a little more sense now that you have explained your situation a bit more. Crazy why we marry sometimes, I think you married for the wrong reason and to the wrong person, perhaps to please family and you thought it could work? Lady, the two relationships will confuse you and you might be feeling "in love" with this coworker but be real careful. He might be giving you more than the marriage is but he might not be the answer, the mind is a complex thing. If you are not happy with your marriage, file for divorce and then see where this other relationship goes but don't put yourself in conflict with them both.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> kritisanon,
> 
> For some reason your story reminds me of my grandmother.
> 
> ...


There is a beauty in that sadness.

So many women have said they though their husbands did not love them, or they did not love their husbands until they realized how much they hurt their husbands by cheating. 

*When the bonds are tested their strength is realized.*

Kriti,
I really wish you well, take care.


Ele,

My great Grandmother married at 14 as well, there was nothing unusual about that, she did marry a much older man.
My home state was still being settled, It was during the wave of European immigrants, he was a farmer.


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## rachaelm (Feb 4, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> What bothers the heck out of me as far as trying to figure out how to help you-- and I do enjoy helping people-- is that you say you have NEVER been in love with your husband...
> 
> I don't know how to fix that. I can see how if you don't love the guy, how incredibly hard it would be NOT to fall for someone else that you ARE attracted to and have emotions for.
> I'm not throwing rocks at you for getting emotionally crazy about another guy. I just know it will darn near kill your husband who by your posts, seems to be in love with and care for you.
> ...


Beta provider.


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## lostgirl07 (Feb 2, 2016)

Yes, maybe you are right, you want you can't have is attractive. To be honest, it was not all flirty talk mostly casual and friendly about weekends, food, music or just general work, ocassionally throwing in some flirty jokes. The fact he went cold suddenly hurt me and shocked me to a certain extent that I became obsessive in my thoughts. 

I agree my thoughts derailed due to existing issues in my life but I have never discussed these issues with him or any friend for that matter. I have always spoken positively about my marriage and husband to him - does it mean when a guy can't get what he may want, he turns cold?

Also, do men generally befriend women only to get in their pants? Cant there be genuine liking or appreciation for each other? 

Yes I am trying not to think and yes I will change my attitude why
should it matter to me. It wouldn't matter if he had/has girlfriend, no longer flirts, but cold shoulder was bit offensive to me.

I am reading each and every reply to my post 2-3 times and really appreciate the help/guidance/support i have received. Its so hard to open up with real friends for the fear of being misjudged or biased opinions. for this reason, this forum is immense help for people like us. 





Lilac23 said:


> You didn't really start obsessing about him until he started ignoring you, right? Have you ever heard that 'Woman begins by resisting a man's advances and ends by blocking his retreat." - Oscar Wilde? You probably weren't even that interested until you realized he was cold shouldering you. Everyone wants what they can't have and now you feel like you can't have him, but you probably could (for a little while). It's like a pride thing, you want to be the one he wants and now maybe it bugs you that you think he doesn't want you.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I got to page 3 and already there was judgemental post after judgemental post. The OP is human. No one here is perfect. Many people have married for reasons other than love. When you've never been in lust before it could be a bit overwhelming. The OP is looking for ways to deal with those emotions before it escalates. It has obviously snuck up on her. Chill the **** out.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

kritisanon said:


> Also, do men generally befriend women only to get in their pants? Cant there be genuine liking or appreciation for each other?


Yes, when it goes beyond the point of cordial acquaintance a man wants to get in a woman's pants. Unless she's ugly or he's gay.

I've been work acquaintances with many women. There is always some boundary there between us, keeping it out of the close friend zone. That's the thing, the boundary. We can like and appreciate each other, but it doesn't go beyond the work relationship.

One test is whether you are alone with him or if others can see and hear everything that is going on. If you are alone (eating lunch at a restaurant is alone), and you are not on official business, it crosses the line. Another test is whether you would both be comfortable with your spouse/gf/bf/parent being there and witnessing everything.

Group activities can be difficult to assess. Say a softball league or office party. If he is giving the same amount and type of attention to others there, it may be ok. But guys should be mostly socializing with other guys. When he's paying more attention to the females, he is on the prowl.

Not every man is always _trying_ to get in your pants. But every man has made the calculation of whether he finds you attractive and desirable, usually within the first 3 seconds of meeting you.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

kritisanon said:


> Also, do men generally befriend women only to get in their pants? Cant there be genuine liking or appreciation for each other?


Kriti,

It could be looked at this way.

A man and a woman come together based on need and attraction.

The bond and connection between them deepens and DEVELOPS based on compatability and character and time together.

You were lonley, he befrended you. You were attracted to him he spent time with you and showed you attention (emotional, mental, and sexual).

If you let a man (who fits the above) meet your needs you will fall in love with him.

In my opinion if a man shows interest in a woman he is attracted to her and sex is a possibility to him.

This is where character comes in. He may be a player who has sucess bedding married woman this way. He may be a man with integrity who while finding it stimulating has good boundaries and will not let it go there.

In that case the relationship can grow platonically, and do so quiclky to the point that sexual involvment is not desirable. Some men can enter into this platonic relationship right from the start because of their personal self control.

Since he cut you off he is not the latter.

He either,
1. Realized he was crossing his own boundaries, lacks self control and fled the situation (socially).

2. Enjoys creating drama and distress in woman because of his own insecurities.

3. Is a manipulative player who has his own interests in mind.

Whatever the reason that he is troubling a married woman for, this is not a man you want to get with. Do you think this pattern will not repeat itself once he is bored with you?

Is your husband the loyal type who would never pull what this guy is trying on another woman, because he loves you and would rather end his life then hurt you in this way?

Be aware that the next step for the manipulative player in this scenario is to apologise for ignoring you and confess his feelings.

(Or bring up the the situation in some way, maybe by teasing you, and getting you to bring up your feelings, in some way.)

Dont even discuss it, just smile and say "nope no problem we are good!" Then stick with that.

However he says it he will be trying to convey this, (dramatized) "When I realized how attracted I was to you and how because of our (once in a lifetime) connection and friendship was making me fall for you, I knew you were a good person and married, and I could not do that to you so I decided to try to keep away so my love would not become obvious, I have never felt this way about someone else."

What comes next often is, "we have to TRY to keep it a friendship", which he knows only focuses and intensifies the feelings. He will then escalate the physical contact as he can until "you just could not resist each other" and you counsumate the already happening physical and emotional affair with sex.

Confessing your feelings to a woman works like magic. Its ok if they are genuine and honrable, but you should NOT be in a situation where its not because it makes you vulnerable.

Often a woman is taken a back by a guy she didnt think she was attracted to or even liked only to develop feelings after he confesses his. My brothers wife disliked him to start, when he told her how he felt she fell for him, married over 20 hears now.

There is an old saying, "Men are taken with beauty and women with words, thats why men lie and woman wear lipstick."

Stay grounded, dont make decisions from a position of weakness.
Take care.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I agree my thoughts derailed due to existing issues in my life but I have never discussed these issues with him or any friend for that matter. I have always spoken positively about my marriage and husband to him - does it mean when a guy can't get what he may want, he turns cold?

Yes, if he is only after one thing. A real friend that is not trying to get you in bed would not. He wanted you to miss him and to think about him.

Also, do men generally befriend women only to get in their pants? Cant there be genuine liking or appreciation for each other? 

Single men I would say yes.

Married 50/50 shot I would guess.

Don't know? My marriage not so good as well. I have tried being friends with a few women, only to end up slowly pulling away. Would start to feel the closeness I was missing with my wife and would end the friendship. I don't even try anymore.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

kritisanon said:


> Yes, maybe you are right, you want you can't have is attractive. To be honest, it was not all flirty talk mostly casual and friendly about weekends, food, music or just general work, ocassionally throwing in some flirty jokes. The fact he went cold suddenly hurt me and shocked me to a certain extent that I became obsessive in my thoughts.
> 
> I agree my thoughts derailed due to existing issues in my life but I have never discussed these issues with him or any friend for that matter. I have always spoken positively about my marriage and husband to him - does it mean when a guy can't get what he may want, he turns cold?
> 
> ...


Just a question. You've been with your husband for quite a long time. This other guy just showed up in your life fairly recently. You've only talked to him a bit and mostly casual conversations. Yet somehow you think you know him? You have feelings for him after such a short time and with such shallow conversation? Have you asked yourself how this can be? Is it really this guy specifically that gets your juices flowing or is it the idea of him, the friendly unknown, when compared to your known husband? To be honest I'm getting the feeling that you created an image of this man in your head simply to contrast with your perceived boring loveless marriage.


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## lostgirl07 (Feb 2, 2016)

Well, don't know a lot about this person, general behavior and attitude - stuff you would know about any person you work with. But somehow I felt sparks and desires that haven't experienced in years. Your question is legitimate but don't have a clear answer - is it lack of lustre in my life or if there was any real connection or just lust? I am happy I reached out here before things got out of control, difficult but like lot of people said, I am learning to manage my feelings. 




bfree said:


> Just a question. You've been with your husband for quite a long time. This other guy just showed up in your life fairly recently. You've only talked to him a bit and mostly casual conversations. Yet somehow you think you know him? You have feelings for him after such a short time and with such shallow conversation? Have you asked yourself how this can be? Is it really this guy specifically that gets your juices flowing or is it the idea of him, the friendly unknown, when compared to your known husband? To be honest I'm getting the feeling that you created an image of this man in your head simply to contrast with your perceived boring loveless marriage.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

lostgirl07 said:


> Well, don't know a lot about this person, general behavior and attitude - stuff you would know about any person you work with. But somehow I felt sparks and desires that haven't experienced in years. Your question is legitimate but don't have a clear answer - is it lack of lustre in my life or if there was any real connection or just lust? I am happy I reached out here before things got out of control, difficult but like lot of people said, I am learning to manage my feelings.


Do you feel that you can take this newfound knowledge and use it constructively? Can you build on this experience to try to bring those sparks to your marriage? I think one thing that makes my marriage an enduring one is that we are constantly exploring each other. We are constantly learning new things about each other. As a couple we practice complete openness and transparency so you'd think we'd know everything about each other. But I'm always learning new things about my wife that I didn't know, new ideas and opinions that we can explore together. That only comes from constant communication and I find it extremely exciting. Each day is a new day with her.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Why is many of (original poster) *lostgirl07's *quotes being quoted as *kritisanon* ? Never seen that happen before ...

Some great book suggestions here.. very helpful advice... to the seriousness of this situation...if you aren't diligent to Keep your mind off this co-worker...the chemicals swimming in your brain are very powerful forces, like a drug.. don't feed them! Hold your boundaries firm... Many say they'd never fall.. only to eat those words.. 

This thread explains how it can happen...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/21172-never-say-never.html



Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> I was having a discussion with someone who said "I would never cheat"... That conversation hit me in between the eyes because what this person said was almost word for word what my W had said to me before she had her affair...
> 
> It prompted me to put together some information I've learned while trying to understand and cope with what is happening to my family and write this in response...
> 
> ...


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Why is many of (original poster) *lostgirl07's *quotes being quoted as *kritisanon* ? Never seen that happen before ...
> 
> Some great book suggestions here.. very helpful advice... to the seriousness of this situation...if you aren't diligent to Keep your mind off this co-worker...the chemicals swimming in your brain are very powerful forces, like a drug.. don't feed them! Hold your boundaries firm... Many say they'd never fall.. only to eat those words..
> 
> ...


She changed her TAM name.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Just to chime in on having sparks with people outside marriage.

It does happen but that is why it is so important to have the foundation of your marriage be solid.

It has happened to me more than a couple times since I have been with my wife.

I have satisfaction in my marriage which does make it easier but occasionally it even happens during hard times in the marriage making self discipline a must.

Actually just happened yesterday to me.

I met a new associate and there was immediate, mutual attraction.

It seems like those moments are some sort of magic, no?

I kept it proper as did she and I came home, took my youngest son to a movie and then my wife out dinner for a very satisfying surprise date.

We both loved it but she took a call from her sister after we got home and lost track of time.

No sex for us.

I had a hard time and took care of myself, I'm extremely HD, but was very disappointed.

This morning I actually had a thought or two about that associate.

See how things work?

I plan on taking my wife today as many times as she can handle and we have been in a good marriage for over 20 years.

Sparks still happen with others and they need not be ignored but put in the right category in your mind.

Peace.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

lostgirl07 said:


> Also, do men generally befriend women only to get in their pants? Cant there be genuine liking or appreciation for each other?
> 
> 
> *If you've read many threads here, particularly those that detail illicit relationships between coworkers you will probably figure out that, just as with Findingmyway, more often than not getting in the famale's undies is the #1 goal in their minds, and some, like him, are VERY patient in their efforts. You've already admitted an attraction for this guy on a possible emotional level. Please, be very careful how you handle this.*


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## Lilac23 (Jul 9, 2015)

lostgirl07 said:


> does it mean when a guy can't get what he may want, he turns cold?


That's exactly what it means.



lostgirl07 said:


> Also, do men generally befriend women only to get in their pants? Cant there be genuine liking or appreciation for each other?


He may not have intentionally befriended you with the plan of getting in your pants but do initial intentions matter? It is the end result that counts and philosophical discussions on the 'can men and women be friends without sex getting in the way' don't really matter, right? What really matters is that you are too concerned with what is going on in the head of a man who is not your husband. 




lostgirl07 said:


> Yes I am trying not to think and yes I will change my attitude why should it matter to me. It wouldn't matter if he had/has girlfriend, no longer flirts, but cold shoulder was bit offensive to me.


It is hurtful when someone suddenly changes but just try and blow it off. Have you thought about things that might make your husband more attractive to you? Good could come out of this experience and provide the impetus to improve your marriage.



lostgirl07 said:


> I am reading each and every reply to my post 2-3 times and really appreciate the help/guidance/support i have received. Its so hard to open up with real friends for the fear of being misjudged or biased opinions. for this reason, this forum is immense help for people like us.


It's easier to get blunt advice too, lol.


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## lostgirl07 (Feb 2, 2016)

have confessed all my experience/feelings to my husband who has been supporting me, assuring me of his love, I have tried to work on marriage by communicating my needs for attention and time from him, he is trying at least, though still not there. Feel blessed and unblessed both that I held strong n didn't slip and/or other person didn't make a move. There have been times I am completely fine, other times, where I am emotional mess. Feel sorry to put my husband through this. I need to get this past me and not suffer endlessly for something that was not even a actual relationship in the first place. 



Decorum said:


> Kriti,
> 
> It could be looked at this way.
> 
> ...


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

It may be as simple as he's a total azz.

They are out there and apparently he's one


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## lostgirl07 (Feb 2, 2016)

What if he is not, or is it that I cant see coz I am clouded with emotions. The fact despite all ugly things I still cant hate him or 
get him out of my head. 



Marc878 said:


> It may be as simple as he's a total azz.
> 
> They are out there and apparently he's one


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

IN your fantasy you can't or won't see the bad.


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## MyTurn (Oct 27, 2013)

I hope you are in therapy.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

I have confessed all my experience/feelings to my husband who has been supporting me, assuring me of his love, I have tried to work on marriage by communicating my needs for attention and time from him, he is trying at least, though still not there.

Well now i can see why you dont find your husband attractive.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

lostgirl07 said:


> I have always spoken positively about my marriage and husband to him - does it mean when a guy can't get what he may want, he turns cold?
> 
> Also, do men generally befriend women only to get in their pants? Cant there be genuine liking or appreciation for each other?


You're naivety is almost adorable OP if it weren't for your poor husband who has to deal with the embarrassment of being married to a woman who lusts after other men.

Here's the truth:

This guy was nice to you because he'd be more than happy to fvck you then dump you. So when he flirted with you and you reciprocated, he thought you were an easy mark. Then you kept mentioning your husband, he got pissed. He just wants an easy lay and the mixed signals were annoying him. He thought you were playing games. He thought you were nice because you were trolling for an affair. At some point, he has decided you are more trouble than you are worth, you weren't going to put out easily and he went cold on you. The end.

He really doesn't give a sh!t about your life or your problems. The only thing he appreciates is you sleeping with him. He has no interest in being your emotional tampon or your friend. He doesn't want to connect with you on an emotional level, just a physical one. He will put up with the annoyance of pretending to connect emotionally but he expects something in return. Your vag and if you aren't going to give him what he wants, he's not going to give you what you want. Attention.

You have two options:

1) Realize he just wants to use you for sexual gratification, could careless about you as a human being, and treat him like the jerk he is.

2) Offer him sex, continue getting all the attention you want from him and in the process destroy your marriage and break your husbands heart.

I certainly hope you are smart enough to pick option #1.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

If you keep this up, there will come a time when your husband's largess will dissipate. Then he will leave and you will have nothing.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Lost, 

the carrot or the stick...most people would take the carrot but some would even take the stick than to be ignored. that is your problem you so fixated on the fact he he is now dissing you, but if he wasn't you woudl fixated on that as well...as others mention you need help, i fear that you are really no better then you were almost a year ago, your focused on this person and not on your husband and relationship with him......


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

lostgirl07 said:


> Its been lot of months since I last posted, just wanted to provide an update to the old story.
> 
> When I tried to reconcile differences or sort out, he said mean things n doesn't want to deal with me, made 1-2 more attempts just to be professional but no response. Completely went insane for few months, deeply hurt and obsessive thinking, finally few months fast forward, get hold of myself, prayed, worked on myself, just concentrate on work and learn to ignore this person n everything that happened.
> 
> ...


I wasn't here when you first posted this, too bad someone needed to light a fire under you ass for this nonsense. So let's translate this post to what it really is. You are a married woman crying over your emotional affair (even if it was a one-sided one in your own head) to your husband, and also coming on here looking for us to give you sympathy. Please divorce your husband, he doesn't deserve to be someone's consolation prize. You had an emotional affair and you are looking for your husband for support how very cruel you are, do you have no shame? Go get some IC, you need it. I would also suggest your husband get some as well as why he is willing to put up with all this shows his very low self-esteem issues. 

Right now the dynamic in your marriage is your husband isn't a husband but basically your parent that you cry about your boyfriend to. He also helps supports you and your children. From where I am sitting putting up with that is giving you much more love then any person who has ever lived deserves. What else does he need to do to show you he loves you he has already given you his balls. I am willing to bet money that he doesn't know the whole story or how really upset you are about this Or he is just not emotionally intelligent enough to understand what's going on. In a way you are lucky and maybe this is why you picked your husband because most men would have sent you packing the first time he heard about this. I know I would have, served you papers right at your desk at work, no warning. Gone that night. 

See the same thing that makes you have no passion with him is the same reason he won't serve you papers, because your husband is passive, and your relationship is parasitic. You depend on his passivity to enable you to have an emotional affair and continue to support you, but because of his passivity, you don't feel loved. GET OUT NOW, it's better for both of you. Some women like steady men, in today's day and age he will be sought after. You can then go on to have many men like this jerk at work, who is willing to give you just enough emotional support to get you to give him sex than he will move on. 

That is the type of man you are crying over. He probably felt led on because he thought you guys were going to have sex and then you got a sudden case of morals. He basically was putting out the effort to add your vagina to his list (Yes that is crude but I want you to understand his mindset). You were a conquest and you took his trophy away so he showed his true colors. That's how it works. Even if you had sex with him this would have still be where your relationship ended up. 

Thing is, even if you leave your husband and look for a more assertive man, you would lose him because you haven't fixed your wonder lust and an assertive man wouldn't put up with it. See in a way you are not worthy of this passion that you seek. 



> 1. Realized he was crossing his own boundaries, lacks self-control and fled the situation (socially).


Can't say that you have. Read that sentence to yourself and change he to I.

Your husband deserves SO much better. Did you ever think he isn't communicating with you, giving you the love that you need because you are telling him how broken up you are about this player you met at work? It amazes me when cheaters come on here and complain that they are not getting enough romance/sex from their spouses. Yeah, this is every person's dream in a spouse, giving all your desire, love, energy to someone else, that would sure as hell want to make me send flowers and write poems to you. 

Now if you made it this far, I assume from your previous post you are probably pretty upset with me and think I am being mean to you. Look at it this way, before when you complained everyone was pretty nice to you and didn't call you on your **** anymore. Guess what it's been almost a year and yet here you are nothing is fixed you are still miserable. Nothing is changed. Maybe you should woman up and listen to us harsher posters. You can't work on yourself until you admit the truth, you have been emotionally unfaithful to your husband for a long time. Lady get some help and tell your husband to get on here so we can light a fire under HIS ass cause he can do better.


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## lostgirl07 (Feb 2, 2016)

That's not true at all. I do respect him a lot and understand it takes a lot to support me through times like this. But we have had unresolved issues for long time before this whole thing even happened.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

What are these issues? In realize they may be hard to share, but you already have shared your desire to be with other man.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

lostgirl07 said:


> That's not true at all. I do respect him a lot and understand it takes a lot to support me through times like this. But we have had unresolved issues for long time before this whole thing even happened.



You may say you respect him but you don't treat him with respect. How can any wife in her right mind think it is respectful to be pining away for another man while still being married, especially when your husband knows about it. What have you told him exactly. Have you told him this?



> Recently met a single guy at work, , casual flirting, showed every sign that he liked me. However, , he started ignoring me. Until he started ignoring me, I didn't realize, I was thinking of it to be platonic friendship. but its actually growing on me I cant stop thinking about what is going on his mind and why the sudden change?


You then spent the next 10 months being depressed about it? 10 months! I mean how old are you? This is the kind of thing teenagers do. 

Let me ask you a question, is this the first time you have had an unrequited crush on men while being with your husband? Does he know about them?

In a sense I get why you don't respect him, because he shows he doesn't respect himself by putting up with all this. 

Again if your husband told you he had a crush on another woman, and then proceeded to feel depressed about it for 10 months would you feel like being romantic and having deep conversations with him. I say this because this is what your post alluded to that you are missing. How can you expect that from anyone whom you have treated so poorly. He knows you would rather live in a fantasy world then work on your problems.

If you don't love your husband then move on, he deserves better. If you can't commit to your husband with your whole heart then more one, he deserves better. If you can't get over whatever it is he did to you then move on, he deserves better and you do too. 

Again you behavior shows signs of arrested development. I don't want to be mean to you but honestly you sound delusional. This is just some random guy at work you flirted with, who then started to not blow you off (unless you are not telling us the whole truth). You have wasted 10 months ruminating on him, time you could have been spending improving your marriage that you say you are committed to. You have no idea how lucky you are not to be totally alone right now. 99% of the human race would not put up with this crazy infatuation you have. I suspect your husband does because he has kids with you and has invested so much time. How about you return the favor and make him and your marriage the focus. Stop thinking about yourself and think about your husband, you know the man trying to comfort you when you have been so callus with his heart. 

Speaking of your family, what about your kids? Are you prepared to brake up their home because this is where you are going. Keep forcing your husband to detach and one day he may be gone. 

Again I get back to what this post is, without the psychobabble, and misguided sympathy. This is a post from a grown adult married woman about how depressed she is that she didn't get to have an emotional affair with some guy at work. That's it. Just some tawdry lust for an affair partner.

Please get help. The way you are thinking is not right. Look up affair fog somehow you got it.


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## KJ_Simmons (Jan 12, 2016)

OP, you dodged this bullet, but you are RIPE for an affair. Unless you fix the problem with your husband (or divorce him), it's only a matter of time before another man comes along and sweeps you off your feet.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

I also think part of the ongoing feelings regarding this guy and this situation is simply the fact that acknowledging it, and seeing him for what he is, is tantamount to admitting to making bad choices, being duped, and so she has to cling to some kind of what if scenario...a lot easier than admitting she let herself get played and fell for it hook line and sinker.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

samyeagar said:


> I also think part of the ongoing feelings regarding this guy and this situation is simply the fact that acknowledging it, and seeing him for what he is, is tantamount to admitting to making bad choices, being duped, and so she has to cling to some kind of what if scenario...a lot easier than admitting she let herself get played and fell for it hook line and sinker.


It's true she got played but the lesson here is not that she got played but that she allowed herself to develop romantic feelings or at least an infatuation with a man who is not her husband. 

Here is a quote from her first post. 



> I m not looking for an affair EA or PA. I don't need advice on how to work on my marriage, no matter what i try, even though my
> husband is a good guy, caring, loyal, but I never felt any sparks. I don't think I will ever fall in love with my husband. its like we are in the same room and have nothing to talk about for hours, both doing our own stuff he working, me reading. or I should consider this as love - that he loves and cares for me?


This should be her obsession if she wants to have a happy life. Either fix this or move on. However, it's hard for me to see how her husband is going to feel connected to her when he is treating him like a roomate, parent.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

sokillme said:


> It's true she got played but the lesson here is not that she got played but that she allowed herself to develop romantic feelings or at least an infatuation with a man who is not her husband.
> 
> Here is a quote from her first post.
> 
> ...


My point was that basically, she formed a fantasy world around this other guy, believed it was real, and is having a hard time coming to terms with that fact. She is continuing to hold on, pine, obsess, because to let it go would mean she has to admit to herself that where she felt she had value...in the eyes of this other man...she actually had none.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

samyeagar said:


> My point was that basically, she formed a fantasy world around this other guy, believed it was real, and is having a hard time coming to terms with that fact. She is continuing to hold on, pine, obsess, because to let it go would mean she has to admit to herself that where she felt she had value...in the eyes of this other man...she actually had none.


I agree 100% I just wish her focus was on why she needs other men to make her feel value, and not on why this other man doesn't give her value.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

samyeagar said:


> My point was that basically, she formed a fantasy world around this other guy, believed it was real, and is having a hard time coming to terms with that fact. She is continuing to hold on, pine, obsess, because to let it go would mean she has to admit to herself that where she felt she had value...in the eyes of this other man...she actually had none.


I so relate to this. During my A, I had a fantasy built up that the OM would turn out to be rich and powerful like he told me he was, and that he would suddenly start being kind to me when in reality he spent every day telling me how much better I could be, and how he didn't know why he put up with me. 

It took a long time- including a hospital stay- to even admit that the OM was a jerk, and from there admit that he was abusive... and from there, I had to admit I had fallen in "love" with an abuser based solely on a fantasy I had built up IN MY OWN HEAD that had NOTHING to do with the kind of person he actually was. THEN I had to face what believing and perpetuating all of the lies had done to my husband. I was willing to destroy (and possibly literally end) my own life, and bring more pain onto my devoted, concerned, hapless husband than I can even fathom. All for the sake of a fantasy I created in my head that had no bearing whatsoever in reality. 

Most people in affairs have tender moments and/or really good sex with the AP(s), and that's what they get the fog from. They think the future with their AP(s) will be as seductive as the present. But I didn't even have a good present with the OM. The allure of my A was all, entirely and fully, in my imagination.

No wonder lostgirl can't seem to start unraveling the OM's true motives. She thinks her heart hurts and her world is empty now... Once she allows herself to see the truth and see the damage she's caused to both herself and her husband, she'll be nothing short of devastated. "Empty" doesn't even begin to cover it.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> I so relate to this. During my A, I had a fantasy built up that the OM would turn out to be rich and powerful like he told me he was, and that he would suddenly start being kind to me when in reality he spent every day telling me how much better I could be, and how he didn't know why he put up with me.
> 
> It took a long time- including a hospital stay- to even admit that the OM was a jerk, and from there admit that he was abusive... and from there, I had to admit I had fallen in "love" with an abuser based solely on a fantasy I had built up IN MY OWN HEAD that had NOTHING to do with the kind of person he actually was. THEN I had to face what believing and perpetuating all of the lies had done to my husband.
> 
> No wonder lostgirl can't seem to start unraveling the OM's true motives. She thinks her heart hurts and her world is empty now... Once she allows herself to see the truth and see the damage she's caused to both herself and her husband, she'll be nothing short of devastated. "Empty" doesn't even begin to cover it.


Facing the consequences of self delusion is a very difficult thing. Many would rather cling to their fantasy than face who they have allowed themselves to become.


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## lostgirl07 (Feb 2, 2016)

Post edited


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## Good Guy (Apr 26, 2016)

Pollo said:


> "Recently met a single guy at work, seemed to hit off instantly, casual flirting, showed every sign that he liked me."
> 
> "I was thinking of it to be platonic friendship"
> 
> Bull$hit


Yeah, women are experts at friendzoning men they don't fancy ... but they don't talk or think about them like this!


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## Saltcreek (Dec 20, 2016)

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