# Sexless relationship?



## lovehatething (Apr 22, 2010)

I need some real advice because all the other people I have asked about this give me stupid answers. 
I am in a frustrating relationship. Me and my fiance have been together for over four years and this past july he finally proposed. A month after becoming engaged, we moved in together. I am 20 and he is 24. Right now I am taking online courses and am not working. He brings home the money and supports both of us. He works as an IT (computers).
For the past seven months we have been struggling with intimacy. I would like it to be a couple of times a week but he is content with once a month if that. I have tried absolutely everything and he is just never interested. We have talked about it and he says he is just as frustrated but i never see it. I have to ask for it and if we do do it, it lasts 10 mins and a lot of times he cant finish. He says that he has a lot on his mind and he is always tired. I feel like those are just excuses. He likes to remind me that a relationship is not all sex. I understand this but I have needs too. When we were first dating it was three times a day...now its rare and if it does happen its like he is doin it to shut me up. Afterwards there is no cuddling or kissing. He falls asleep and doesnt want me laying on him because he is hot! And kissing? I get pecks at night and in the morning. We dont ever have those deep, weak in the knees kisses anymore. I have even tried wearing sexy lingerie or touching him and i just get rejected.
I don't know what to do anymore. I want to pull my hair out or cry my eyes out somtimes. This is taking a serious toll on my self esteem and my appetite is not decreasing at all. I need advice, how do i get him interested in it again? in me? I miss how he used to initiate it and actually enjoy making love. I am at the end of my rope. Please help!!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I dont think you can make him be interested in sex again. the only thing that will happen if you keep trying is that you will not only lose your self-esteem, but you will also turn into a very angry, bitter person. and your H will just end up resenting you. 

Besides taking courses online, what else do you do with your time? do you go out with anyone? 

You can also put a program on his computer that lets you see what sites he's going to. its called K9 web protection and it is free. there are other programs designed to spy but they cost money. as long as you put K9 on the lowest settings, he will never know its on there. just change the icon name and put it somewhere he wont see it. you can also put a keylogger on your computer to get passwords. that is what i did. you can also check his phone log to see who he's been calling.

Even if you dont do any of that, you have to stop asking him for sex. you have to back off completely. i know its hard, believe me i had to go through it, but nothing good is going to come from you continually pushing him.


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## PeasNCarrots (Apr 5, 2010)

I have to say Im disappointed in your response BLANCA. I have seen some of your posts and thought you gave some sound advise. I too am in the same position with my SO, except I was at the stage of short sex, no intimacy, etc,etc a year ago..... I backed off figuring that pushing would only make us both resent eachother.... guess where that got us? I now havnt had sex in a year or more, there is no communication about it at all, and I have become that low self esteemed, angry, frustrated person.

Why is it that the first conclusion you come to here is that hes cheating? Lets create an even more insecure person?

LOVE, at this point DO NOT go to the extreme of keylogger, etc. There are way too many unanswered questions about his behavior to just jump to that. Is he acting sneaky when at the computer? Does he " go out with the guys" and then come home with lame stories? There are other indicators of cheating to watch for before you start thinking hes cheating. Google "Signs hes cheating" and check out some of the listings, this may give you things to look for.

I cant give you any advise to help your situation, being in the same boat, actually Ill be watching for others advice to you! But know that you are not alone and know that totally dropping the sex subject could make things WORSE!

BTW, my SO does not display any of the signs of cheating, I have total access to his email addresses and have checked them and his web history. Im pretty confident he not cheating even though its always in the back of my mind.


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## lovinghimforever (Dec 14, 2009)

Maybe it's stress from moving in together, supporting you and this whole new life you have together? Trust him when he says that he has a lot of things on his mind, maybe he does.

Just give him time, hopefully it will pass. I too am in your situation, but my H is unemployed at the moment which I think is causing him to stress and intimacy is the last thing on his mind.

Be patient.


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## mike1 (Jun 15, 2009)

I think you're right to be worried now. I have rarely heard of a circumstance where sex gets better after the marriage. That tends to decline over time, not improve with frequency. 

You can talk to him about it and tell him you need more. If he shapes up and you start having more sex it might seem like things are better but I would be very concerned even if that happens. Unless you have a long engagement ahead of you to see if he is able to give you the amount of sex you want then any changes on his part could be short lived. It's a very hard thing to change someone's desire for sex (believe me, I've been trying for years). 

Ultimately you may have to decide if this is how you want to spend your life if you marry him. If this is how he is now then do NOT have expectations that things will get better if you marry him. I honestly don't know how you change what he wants, like I said if he does change then he may only be doing that temporarily to appease you. What do you do if you get married an a few months into it he goes back to this? 

I hate to suggest you get out of the relationship but IMO it would be better to get out now if you can't see yourself living the rest of your life like this. You're only 20 and there are a lot of fish in the sea; you still have plenty of time to find someone more matched to you sexually. Most men can't get enough sex and we're the ones complaining about not getting enough! 

Don't settle would be my recommendation.


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

I'm having a hard time with this concept of men not wanting sex. I'm still not sure about it. I mean, he's 24 with a 20 year old. I'd live my life with a hard-on if I were him.

I've read in forums about:
- Women uninterested in sex. 
- Men who are dealing with women who are uninterested in sex.
- Women dealing w/ men uninterested in sex (a lot, surprisingly).

What's missing? Men uninterested in sex. I don't see it. Guys, are you out there? I doubt it. They're either gay, cheating, into something sick, or MASSIVELY jacking to porn.

I'm not sure there is such thing as a low male libido. Anyone?


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## cao428 (Jun 26, 2008)

Sounds strange to me too...I thought guys thought about it hundreds of times a day..

LHT...I agree with Mike1...don't settle. I would ask him to go to counseling, and if things don't change think carefully about making that lifetime commitment. You may not be compatible in this way.


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

You say the problem has been for the past seven months. How long have you been together total? Prior to that, all was great?

If this was a sudden change and this difficult time has been significantly shorter than your relationship (meaning you've been together for 4 years, but only 7 months of this problem), then I would suggest couple's counseling BEFORE you get married to dig deeper into what contributed to this shift in him.

Even if the above conditions aren't true, counseling can't hurt before you make a determination on how to proceed. But if this is just how he is (it's easy to be different at the beginning, people settle into their true selves a bit later on in a relationship), know that you only have a lifetime of sexual frustration ahead of you if you marry this guy. You may choose that, but you should be conscious. These things don't tend to change with time. And he's not going to get hornier as he gets older. And it does not feel good to be that woman that can't get some. The sexual dissatisfaction eventually contaminates the rest of the relationship and your self-image.


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

> I've read in forums about:
> - Women uninterested in sex.
> - Men who are dealing with women who are uninterested in sex.
> - Women dealing w/ men uninterested in sex (a lot, surprisingly).
> ...


Great point.

Why "jacking into porn" if there's a chick right there though?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

What has changed about you since you met him? Have you gained weight? If so, how much?




lovehatething said:


> I need some real advice because all the other people I have asked about this give me stupid answers.
> I am in a frustrating relationship. Me and my fiance have been together for over four years and this past july he finally proposed. A month after becoming engaged, we moved in together. I am 20 and he is 24. Right now I am taking online courses and am not working. He brings home the money and supports both of us. He works as an IT (computers).
> For the past seven months we have been struggling with intimacy. I would like it to be a couple of times a week but he is content with once a month if that. I have tried absolutely everything and he is just never interested. We have talked about it and he says he is just as frustrated but i never see it. I have to ask for it and if we do do it, it lasts 10 mins and a lot of times he cant finish. He says that he has a lot on his mind and he is always tired. I feel like those are just excuses. He likes to remind me that a relationship is not all sex. I understand this but I have needs too. When we were first dating it was three times a day...now its rare and if it does happen its like he is doin it to shut me up. Afterwards there is no cuddling or kissing. He falls asleep and doesnt want me laying on him because he is hot! And kissing? I get pecks at night and in the morning. We dont ever have those deep, weak in the knees kisses anymore. I have even tried wearing sexy lingerie or touching him and i just get rejected.
> I don't know what to do anymore. I want to pull my hair out or cry my eyes out somtimes. This is taking a serious toll on my self esteem and my appetite is not decreasing at all. I need advice, how do i get him interested in it again? in me? I miss how he used to initiate it and actually enjoy making love. I am at the end of my rope. Please help!!


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## WantsHappiness (Jun 17, 2009)

Has he talked to a doctor about this problem? I’m not talking about a therapist but a general practitioner or his primary care physician. This could be some form of ED and if he’s frustrated about the situation as well there could be a simple physical explanation and solution. 

I agree with the others, get this figured out before you get married.


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## cbcrawford09 (Apr 22, 2010)

I feel for you, I am in this same boat except this did not happen until we were married. 
I am just confused as the others about a man not wanting sex. my past relationships they could not get enough. 

I dont know if this will help but it is worth a shot. I read in a marriage book once that a couple was having a hard time making time for intimacy. so when he went out of town for a work thing and a hour after he left she took the kids to the grandparents and she followed him there and surprised him and they pretended it was like having an affair with each other and they said it really helped with their connection. 

I hope everything works out for you.


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## Pepper (Mar 23, 2010)

*$0.02 coming in at high speed... I agree that you need to get to get this issue dealt with before you get married. If you are seeing warning signs now, I assure you they won't get better or go away after you're married. Counseling is a good idea.

Also, backing off and not talking about your need for sex doesn't help either. That's what I did and I'm coming up on seven months without any. I really hope this works out for you, just don't get married until you work this out. Good luck.*


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## NotGoodEnough (Apr 22, 2010)

Been there and it's not fun! I would definitely voice your concern..Maybe go out to a nice lunch/dinner or make dinner and just bring it up in a very casual, nice, sweet way. I got married when I was 20 and had never been sexually active...(My H was my first) I thought it was normal that he didn't want to have sex but it got to a point where we'd go a month or a month and a half w/o it..finally I had to say something bc I started feeling really, really insecure, I became very self conscious and depressed.. I would try to initiate it and he would just make this stupid face and say something dumb like “I'm stressed, tired, or I'm just not that into it”....and when I would get super frustrated I'd ask why all other men were so interested and he wasn't? He'd respond w/ "it's not you, it's me, I have a low sex drive”. 
I would definitely voice my concern, you’re engaged now and you can walk away if you feel it’s what you want…If he loves you and feels you’re right he’ll go see a doctor, if it’s stress then maybe he needs to slow down..I understand marriage is stressful, he’s probably overwhelmed with the amount of responsibility he’s going to have to take over, having to grow up but he shouldn’t be pushing you away..You can help him relieve some of that stress by pleasing him or whatever..I wouldn’t jump to he’s cheating unless you have MAJOR signs..
I had major signs but again, never being in a relationship, my husband being my first in everything I totally disregarded the signs and when I’d bring them up he would make me feel like I was the crazy one and I needed help..Master manipulator! 
I couldn’t act on “signs” or how he was treating me because he’d deny everything, I needed hard core evidence to make my gut feelings, instincts valid..I’ve lived w/ my H for the past 3 years and just recently I found that evidence my heart, soul and mind detected..
I had to live with these thoughts and insecure feelings in my head for 3 years and somehow after confronting him, I’m still the “crazy one” lol. Communication is soooooooo important!!!! Voice your concern, let him know how you feel, I’m sure he’s a great guy and he’s probably just really overwhelmed with everything.. Talk it out and see where it goes from there. If a man wants to cheat or is interested in another woman he should stop wasting his wife’s time, energy and NOT get married. Go F around all you want but don’t commit to someone who’s going to give in 150%... It’s not fair, it’s selfish and it’s heartless of them to play w/ an innocent girls heart and mind.
Good Luck!


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

I agree with previous posters, something is rotten in Demark so to speak. Any normal man has a fairly large sex drive. If a man is refusing sex then it could be he has low testosterone or DHEA levels or some other kind of chemical imbalance. I'd try and work to get him to go to a Dr. to get that checked. If that all comes back normal, then that means he should biologically have a normal sex drive. He may be reluctant, but ensure him it's for his own best interests. If he still doesn't move, you may need to prove your serious about it (consequences for not going, etc).

If all tests come back normal, then the hard part would be find what emotional, etc issue is going on. Is he interested in someone/something else? Is he really clinically depressed, etc.

Start with the easiest to rule out, and them move on from there.


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## NotGoodEnough (Apr 22, 2010)

cody5 said:


> I'm having a hard time with this concept of men not wanting sex. I'm still not sure about it. I mean, he's 24 with a 20 year old. I'd live my life with a hard-on if I were him.
> 
> I've read in forums about:
> - Women uninterested in sex.
> ...


Is that really true? I would never in a million yrs even assume my H is gay, that's crossed off... Cheating?? Well I did find emails but he says he hasn't seen her in years and I don't have any indication that he'd sleep w/ someone else but then again I dont know anything anymore. Porn? He denies ever watching it even though I came home one night late from school and he was at his moms and turned on the tv and saw Porn..(I'm such an idiot). When I mentioned it in a very nonserious tone, sort of smiling about it bc I didnt think it was a major deal, he got upset and denied it. I didnt even know we had those channels, he had our TV setup in such an odd way..(super savy w/ electronics).
And the "into sick stuff" i dont see that either. Sadly, I just think he's not into me..I'm not unattractive, I get hid on all the time and I have to tell the guys I'm married, HELLO??? I'm in shape and I'm super sweet. I've had employers, doctors I've worked w/, friends, family members ask me why I married him and tell me that I'm so much better (which isn't nice and I'd ask them not to say that), I just think he's had his mind set on his Ex and even after all these years he still thinks about her...


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

cody5 said:


> What's missing? Men uninterested in sex. I don't see it. Guys, are you out there? I doubt it. They're either gay, cheating, into something sick, or MASSIVELY jacking to porn.
> 
> I'm not sure there is such thing as a low male libido. Anyone?


Yes, it is possible IF a man's testosterone levels plunge TOO low (normal ranges are from 300ish to 1000ish). HIghly sexual men have ALOT of pent up energy, can't stop thinking about sex, these man have HIGHER levels- statiscs also show men in prison generally have higher levels of this hormone. Nice/timid guy syndroms generally have lower levels but still normal, they are not loaded with the degree of pent up sexual energy as the Higher Test men are. They can go longer times inbetween without having a release. 

Rare at his age, but it can still happen, stress itself can lower levels as well- and they may go back up when he is feeling better/sleeping better. Even some drugs can affect Testosterone levels. Metaforin (for Diabetes) can lower levels some too. 

If you & he was having sex 3 times a day and all of a sudden -this stopped out of the blue, he is tired all the time, falling asleep after work , if he has brain fog, I would suspect a hormone problem. But if none of these seem the culprit, I would listen for some of your other advice on here.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

lovehatething said:


> I am in a frustrating relationship. Me and my fiance have been together for over four years and this past july he finally proposed. A month after becoming engaged, we moved in together. I am 20 and he is 24. Right now I am taking online courses and am not working. He brings home the money and supports both of us. He works as an IT (computers).
> For the past seven months we have been struggling with intimacy. I would like it to be a couple of times a week but he is content with once a month if that. I have tried absolutely everything and he is just never interested.


Sounds a lot like my first relationship I had with a guy I was engage to be married with. We went out for six years, got engaged, I moved in (and like you, he was the one working, I was still in college). Like your situation, the sex died down to the point where we had it once a month and it was the same scenario..Wham! Bam! Over and out! Certainly not the kind of sex you'd expect from two 20-somethings.

I was in great shape and he barely wanted to touch me. Believe me, it hit me hard and I got angry and resentful and we grew farther apart. Eventually he confessed that he wasn't ready to be married and we broke up. I was 23 and he was 25. To this day I never regret what happened and in the end I thanked him for having the guts to come to the right conclusion. BTW, over 20 years later he still isn't married.  

I'm wondering if this simply isn't a case of your fiancee getting a case of cold feet when it comes to actually getting married. You are both rather young. Maybe he isn't ready to settle down and this is his way of "acting out". Often, lack of sex and intimacy is what surfaces when there are far deeper problems underneath the surface. He might not realize it himself how he feels but it's taking the form of not wanting to be close and intimate with you. Rather than assume that he's cheating I'd suggest going for couples therapy and try and work it out and hopefully you can figure things out. I can say that this is NOT normal behavior for a 24 year old guy. Heck, it's not normal behavior for a 48 year old guy!

One thing is for sure. You do NOT want to marry him while things are like this. Trust me, it's better to break up and move on then to put up with this. It gets NO better with marriage or age. You are still young and attractive and if this is how it's meant to be then just be thankful that you found out before a wedding, kids and expensive legal bills. Grab the bull by the horns now and figure it out now while you still can.

Oh, and don't play games like withholding from him and hoping he'll "see the light". It doesn't work. Better to figure out what's wrong and deal with the actual problem,. because you definitely have a problem here.


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

NotGoodEnough said:


> Is that really true? I would never in a million yrs even assume my H is gay, that's crossed off... Cheating?? Well I did find emails but he says he hasn't seen her in years and I don't have any indication that he'd sleep w/ someone else but then again I dont know anything anymore. Porn? He denies ever watching it even though I came home one night late from school and he was at his moms and turned on the tv and saw Porn..(I'm such an idiot). When I mentioned it in a very nonserious tone, sort of smiling about it bc I didnt think it was a major deal, he got upset and denied it. I didnt even know we had those channels, he had our TV setup in such an odd way..(super savy w/ electronics).
> And the "into sick stuff" i dont see that either. Sadly, I just think he's not into me..I'm not unattractive, I get hid on all the time and I have to tell the guys I'm married, HELLO??? I'm in shape and I'm super sweet. I've had employers, doctors I've worked w/, friends, family members ask me why I married him and tell me that I'm so much better (which isn't nice and I'd ask them not to say that), I just think he's had his mind set on his Ex and even after all these years he still thinks about her...


It's not you. I've been married for a while, 3 kids and the wife's showing some wear. I hit it ANY TIME she'll let me. Unfortunately, my wife is not attrtacted to me either. Hey. I'm clean, charming, not too bad on the eyes. Maybe we should hook up or something


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

cody5 said:


> I hit it ANY TIME she'll let me. Unfortunately, my wife is not attracted to me either. Hey. I'm clean, charming, not too bad on the eyes. Maybe we should hook up or something


:rofl: :rofl:


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## cherrypie18 (Feb 21, 2010)

lovehatething said:


> ] He says that he has a lot on his mind and he is always tired. I feel like those are just excuses. He likes to remind me that a relationship is not all sex. I understand this but I have needs too. When we were first dating it was three times a day...now its rare and if it does happen its like he is doin it to shut me up. Afterwards there is no cuddling or kissing. He falls asleep and doesnt want me laying on him because he is hot! And kissing? I get pecks at night and in the morning. We dont ever have those deep, weak in the knees kisses anymore. I have even tried wearing sexy lingerie or touching him and i just get rejected.


Omg if I didn't know any better I'd think you're married to my husband lol
Excuses excuses excuses

Mine is either really into porn or is cheating on me. Oh well...


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

cherrypie18 said:


> Omg if I didn't know any better I'd think you're married to my husband lol
> Excuses excuses excuses
> 
> Mine is either really into porn or is cheating on me. Oh well...


Not necessarily. You have to look at your relationship as a whole. How IS your relationship? Are you friendly and getting along otherwise? Do you do things together as a couple or are you just overwhelmed with the daily routine of life and have no time for each other? Are there problems financially? 

For quite awhile my husband and I didn't have sex and it wasn't because he was cheating or watched porn, but there were tons of unresolved issues in our marriage. Over the years he grew more distant and I more angry and resentful. It got started by a few pebbles that eventually almost took became a full scale avalanche. One thing led to another, which led to another. Not having sex was just the tip of the iceberg. 

Eventually my husband and I got to the point where we barely were civil to each other. Then we started talking and eventually our talking became a reconciliation. There were many issues from the past that had affected him and how he felt about me and our marriage I wasn't even aware of! Together we made a lot of changes and worked hard to put our marriage back together and now the sex is better than it was even before we were married!

I will say that it wasn't easy. We had a lot to work out and we had to be open and ready to listen to what each of us had to say and we often didn't like what we heard. Plus, we still did love and care about each other and wanted things to work out. That's a huge factor as well. If one person gives up on the relationship then it's pretty much over. 

Lack of sex isn't usually the problem, but an indication of a deeper set of problems. You have to figure out what the problem is and deal with it.


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## lovehatething (Apr 22, 2010)

First I want to make it clear that I am 100% sure that he is not cheating. He honestly does not have the time between work and studying (which does stress him out) and he is not showing any signs. I completely trust him. Second, we did take him to see a doctor back in november and he did have low testosterone. He started getting weekly then monthly injections but that still has not helped his sex drive any. Third, I have sat down and explain how I feel and how frustrated I am. He just says that he knows and then blows it off. He is so absorbed in his work and his studies that he is neglecting our relationship and my needs. He feels like I should be more understanding and support his decision. Its like he believes that he can leave me and our sex life on the back burner while he does what he wants. Fourth, he is stressed at times but when i try to get him to slow down, he doesnt want to. Like he thrives off of it. He causes a lot of this for himself. Next, we are really tight for money so we dont get out like we used to. And because we spend a lot of time at home, he spends a lot of time on the computer studyin. Finally, he was 20 when we first stated dating (four years ago). His appetite for sex was huge. I know that he has had to grow up a lot in the past year. But its like he has forgotten what its like to be 20 and how much i want it. 

I love him with all my heart and I do want to spend the rest of my life with him but not at this cost. His problems are causing my self-esteem to drop like a rock and I am so frustrated. I just wish there was something more I could do to help him (if he wanted help). I dont want to walk away from the person I love without trying everything. If it was any other guy, it would be simple. I could think of a million ways to get them interested and please them. But he is a challenge. Everything typical, he ignores or turns down. Ugh i just wish it was easier and that we could do for each other what has been missing.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Sounds like he's pretty stressed out and self induced or not, it's going to affect him..and you as well. 

If he's acting this way towards you at 24 then fast forward things a bit and add kids, a mortgage on a house and anything else that life throws at you into the mix. If you think your intimacy is dropping like a rock now, wait 'til then. 

My husband recently made a decision to work more because of some recent shortages in cash and put our time together as a couple on a back burner. Basically I didn't appreciate that this was pretty much shoved down my throat. One minute we have a pretty good life together and the next the guy is working six days a week and on his one day off he's too tired to do anything at all. It was nasty, to say the least and we had a pretty miserable six weeks. Finally we sat down and come up with a workable plan that is pretty much a compromise but at least it's restored some balance back into our lives. 

Fact is, you shouldn't have to stop living life together, as a couple, just because things are getting stressful in his life. That IS life and if he's dealing with it by putting you on the back burner than something is wrong. He should be looking to you for support and friendship, not pushing you away.

I would suggest to him that you both need therapy, hopefully together. You might want to make this a deal breaker in the relationship. If he refuses to budge than that tells you something right there. Plus, it might be a good idea to start scouting out a place you can live on your own and give him some room to breathe. Sounds like you both need some time to find yourself individually before you can live together as a couple in a committed relationship like marriage. 

In other words, it's easy to date and have wild sex in your college years but the real kicker is when you have to actually l live this thing called "life". Sometimes it just isn't meant to be. You have to figure this out and more importantly, so does he.


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## cherrypie18 (Feb 21, 2010)

Freak On a Leash said:


> Not necessarily. You have to look at your relationship as a whole. How IS your relationship? Are you friendly and getting along otherwise? Do you do things together as a couple or are you just overwhelmed with the daily routine of life and have no time for each other? Are there problems financially?


Well yes we did get along, were friendly, in love (at least I thought so) no problems financially back when the intimacy started to decline, we had lots of time for each other, not a lot of stress in our lives except his mother, and then well the usual: him watching porn, adult websites, suspicious text messages, sneaky phone calls (he would go to another room to talk or go out for a smoke although he smokes inside the house), always had time to go out...with the guys! Staying out til 3-4am... I had to beg to go to the movies together. He even avoided going to bed with me, would either go early or wait until I fell asleep so he'd come to bed or would just sleep on the couch til early morning. Extremely defensive when I confronted him. Would pick fights over insignificant or little things things such as forgetting to buy something on shopping list though the store was a 5 min walk and I could just go get it in no time.
He started nagging and criticizing my every move too, trying to find fault all the time, and when I didn't do that to him it made him think he's perfect while I'm full of flaws and a bad wife.
He also seemed to respect and treat every girl friend we hung out with with more care and respect and attention than me. He'd jump at their every request like a little boy. I'm not the type to ask my husband to help with household chores and such, if he lent a hand it's appreciated and thanked, if not I did not nag him about it. But I did complain about the porn, text messages and dating websites.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Damn, that sounds bad. Just happened all at once or gradually? 

I'd say all that points to him having someone else in his life. Especially if it happened all at once pretty suddenly.


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## cherrypie18 (Feb 21, 2010)

This happened over a course of about a year.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Hmm..I suspect another woman. Unfortunately I don't know how to advise you because my husband has always faithful to me. He has acted horribly to me though, but for different reasons and it went both ways. 

I'd advise a third party in the way of a marriage therapist so you can try and sort things out. Sounds like he's almost looking to give you a reason to leave him so he's treating you like crap. The question is "why?"  :scratchhead:


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

PeasNCarrots said:


> I have to say Im disappointed in your response BLANCA. I have seen some of your posts and thought you gave some sound advise. I too am in the same position with my SO, except I was at the stage of short sex, no intimacy, etc,etc a year ago..... I backed off figuring that pushing would only make us both resent eachother.... guess where that got us? I now havnt had sex in a year or more, there is no communication about it at all, and I have become that low self esteemed, angry, frustrated person.


backing off is not a means to solving this particular marital problem. its not a solution to save the marriage; its a solution to save her sanity and self dignity. i came to the conclusion that above saving my marriage i want to save my sanity and self-respect. backing off for me is a way to slowly distance myself from my H so i can try to make myself happy again. If staying is not what is going to make you happy you ought to reconsider. backing off from my H has helped me regain some clarity so i can choose if staying is the best idea. but if i do stay, things would not be able to stay as they are now. It is not a long term solution to the marriage. it is a short term approach to gain some sanity and perspective to make a decision on what comes next. 

I dont have long term solutions for situations like these because i think the guy is a jerk that is hiding something. of course that is my experience bias. that is what i have to offer. others have their experiences to share. that is the beauty of the forum. the OP can get as many different takes on her situation and choose what is best for her.


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## Oneoftheguys (Apr 25, 2010)

When I went through something similar I discovered that my husband was addicted to porn. It was crazy making for me. I have always enjoyed sex and kept wondering what I did wrong. His problem was never about me. He has had several affairs in the past but I thought we were past all that. Wrong! He had several women in different states and was exploring all kinds of strange groups. Long story short, we were separated for a year, we have 4 children, a mortgage and have been married 25 yrs. He was counseled by men in our church, attend a SA group and is still in individual counseling. I can say that although I love my husband I stayed because of the kids and the house etc etc. He is working hard and I feel like I have forgiven him but I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. I think you should confront your issues head on and if he won't address them leave now. Don't wait until you are 25 years older and have children. Many may not agree with me but if I could somehow magically keep my same kids I can say I would have never married this man.


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## lovehatething (Apr 22, 2010)

Ok so it has been a week and I took some of the tips that yall offered and used them. I got him relaxed when he got home. I let him nap and finish some stuff on the internet when he got home so the rest of the night was mine. That night, there was intimacy...as well as the next morning and evening, and again Sunday night. Every time we were intimate, he would start to complain a little bit about it being too much...that is until I encouraged him orally. Then Monday morning I called him at work to explain that it was my time of the month so he could have his break. But while we were talking, he said," That problem had better be gone by Saturday because I want more just like this past weekend. I have forgotten what I have been missing and I was so relaxed, even when I went to work." So I guess it came out that the best thing to do is talk the problem out, find relaxing time, don't be too pushy, picking the right time to have sex, and helping remind him of what he is missing out on (oral persuasion works wonders). I want to thank everyone for all your help. I have not had anyone there to give me good advice besides wear something revealing all over or just forget about it. So thank you so much for all your help....I and my body really appreciates it all. To all of you that are reading these posts looking for answers, I hope you find yours. They may be here and if not, don't give up, keep trying, and ask more and more questions till you find the one that works for you.
~*Good Luck and God Bless*~


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## elhi13 (Apr 28, 2010)

I am in the same situation and sadly will tell you that it doesn't get better. I have talked to my H about having sex, lack of sex, telling him I am lonely, trying the sexy nighties, even doing the "just jump on him", it doesn't work. If I am lucky I could get a quick lay without being satisfied. The longest I have gone without sex is close to 11 months. The rejection is hurtful and the mind games we "ladies" do to ourselves is horrible. I am 44 years old and I am at my prime. I have decided, I can't do this anymore. You being young and facing this problem can't be good. Try talking to him again, find out what may be stressing him out and see if you can do something to salvage this relationship. Sex is an important part of a relationship and sadly, without it, we get lost. Good Luck and remember, you do not want to live your life like this. I have finally decided...that I can't and won't anymore.


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## confused9 (May 14, 2011)

Wow. We have the same exact story. i think you maybe a bit younger, which is even scarier. Have you looked through his phone? Or history on the computer? I'm wondering if it's really just us, or maybe they're cheating. It just doesn't make any sense whatsoever. It's the worst feeling in the world, we're both Trapped and undesired. ;(


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## escravo215 (Dec 8, 2010)

Same thing for me...I am in a 2 and a half year "lockout". My wife and I barely speak (at counseling we don't even look at each other). She works for a University, I am a fitness director, personal trainer, group fitness trainer and fitness model working every day, coming home to clean the house and help take care of the kids, and when it's "intimacy time" it's her saying "I'm tired, I don't feel like it, i have my period, aren't you tired?, (sigh) just do it to me while I sleep, I have to go to work tomorrow, If you wanna do it, leave the TV on because I wanna watch Glee-Law & Order-CSI." After a while of "the wheel of excuses" I'd just take all that pent-up energy and just go work out. Before i was a perv who wanted sex, sex, sex, now I'm a jerk because I don't ask anymore. Actually I'm kinda depressed about it and I try my best to wear a smile as much as I can, but all the pushups in the world don't help. So TC, I'm with you.


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## The Love Doctor (Jun 25, 2011)

Perhaps your fiancé is bored with you, or perhaps he's overwhelmed by the fact that he is now responsible for another life — you, or perhaps he is frightened by the fact that you can get pregnant, causing him even more pain and suffering for having another mouth to feed. Or maybe it is all the above-solicited responses. 

Listen, you can sit in cyberspace and speculate until the cows come home why he is no longer interested in sex, and miss the mark entirely. The truth is, you will never know until you slap some sense into him (figuratively speaking of course), and have a real down to earth heart to heart talk. Let him know pointblank, what affects him affects you too. Your relationship is not a one-way street. Let him know that just because his IT job is finished at 5 p.m., doesn't mean his job is through when he get's home for the day. Now he's got to go to work on momma, or else the inevitable will one day rear its ugly head. I believe the Military call him Jody. He will come along and fill the void nicely — either him or Mr. dildo. My apologies for sounding so rude and insensitive, but I believe in telling it like it is. Blowing smoke up your ass is not going to help you one bit. You need answers. Here's a suggestion: go get a job, and bring some money home to remove his worry. And I guarantee you, you'll have more d**k than you can handle. Truth is you'll start pushing it away. Talking about I'm tired — WATCH!


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## brendan (Jun 1, 2011)

escravo215 said:


> Same thing for me...I am in a 2 and a half year "lockout". My wife and I barely speak (at counseling we don't even look at each other). She works for a University, I am a fitness director, personal trainer, group fitness trainer and fitness model working every day, coming home to clean the house and help take care of the kids, and when it's "intimacy time" it's her saying "I'm tired, I don't feel like it, i have my period, aren't you tired?, (sigh) just do it to me while I sleep, I have to go to work tomorrow, If you wanna do it, leave the TV on because I wanna watch Glee-Law & Order-CSI." After a while of "the wheel of excuses" I'd just take all that pent-up energy and just go work out. Before i was a perv who wanted sex, sex, sex, now I'm a jerk because I don't ask anymore. Actually I'm kinda depressed about it and I try my best to wear a smile as much as I can, but all the pushups in the world don't help. So TC, I'm with you.


thats exactly my story, same tv shows too and the same excuses. unreal


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

If your wife or husband is merely scheming and manipulating you by denying you in order to secretly get you to do something he or she won't tell you in the first place, then to hell with them and bring sunblock. If they don't want you or anything about you and live to screw around not doing about that then who needs to be chained to a spoiled child. And if they just don't care, don't have normal human emotions and don't see that as problem then what's the damn point? 

I calmly told my blushing bride this week that I have officially run out of ideas and am shutting down the 'why can't you have sex' project forever. We are done. No further discussion is required. She announced years ago that she was, essentially ending all sex for no obvious reason and less concern. I have periodically attempted to address this while still making 100% of the effort and doing 100% of the work. So I am finally on board with that and it is out in the open. No games no hiding no bull****. No physical contact at all. Zero point zero. No touching, no hand holding no hugs no kissing, nada. She is free to weigh 250lbs if she likes. I couldn't tell if she did anyway since she's never spent a minute not wearing layers of baggy lumpy sweats. And even though I'm color blind even I can tell it's a mix and match disaster. But to be fair the last time, the last time I saw my wife's body was almost 20 years ago. I don't remember or care what it looks like. And since she's gone out of her way not to take care of herself, I don't want to know what she looks like.

Go be a freak, be a hoarder, be the 80 year old strega nona you were born to be. Record every damn episode of The Ghost Whisperer. Shop, cook and clean for your GROWN sons. 

I have 4 more semesters I need to be tied to financially. And a few years of health care premiums until they age out at 26. And some standing bills because, sadly you've infected them with your 'I don't do ****' attitude so it's debatable whether they will be fully mature for some time, e.g. rent, cat insurance, phone bills etc etc. 

We already had the discussion, I could barely believe she was serious - she said if we ever split up she expected full maintenance for life -I just laughed at that one. But if she get essentially every asset I don't care. Keep it. I am done and I am just getting carefully organized so that when she goes thermonuclear I will be able to escape. 

The biggest mistake in the history of people, was you.


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## Prometheus Pyrphoros (Jun 16, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> If your wife or husband is merely scheming and manipulating you by denying you in order to secretly get you to do something he or she won't tell you in the first place, then to hell with them and bring sunblock. If they don't want you or anything about you and live to screw around not doing about that then who needs to be chained to a spoiled child. And if they just don't care, don't have normal human emotions and don't see that as problem then what's the damn point?
> 
> I calmly told my blushing bride this week that I have officially run out of ideas and am shutting down the 'why can't you have sex' project forever. We are done. No further discussion is required. She announced years ago that she was, essentially ending all sex for no obvious reason and less concern. I have periodically attempted to address this while still making 100% of the effort and doing 100% of the work. So I am finally on board with that and it is out in the open. No games no hiding no bull****. No physical contact at all. Zero point zero. No touching, no hand holding no hugs no kissing, nada. She is free to weigh 250lbs if she likes. I couldn't tell if she did anyway since she's never spent a minute not wearing layers of baggy lumpy sweats. And even though I'm color blind even I can tell it's a mix and match disaster. But to be fair the last time, the last time I saw my wife's body was almost 20 years ago. I don't remember or care what it looks like. And since she's gone out of her way not to take care of herself, I don't want to know what she looks like.
> 
> ...


Out of all things - what's with the sweats all the time?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

It was 97 yesterday. T-shirt, shirt, sweat shirt, sweatpants. I mean like the high school wrestling baggy full length elastic cuff sweats. I am not sure because I can't tell but the pants were either gray or green and top was yellow and white. And splattered in paint. People here say it's thyroid and she's cold. That means every crazy shopping cart lady with 9 overcoats has a thyroid problem. No....they're just insane. Who knows who cares? She's a bag of crazy I can't give a **** about anymore.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> If your wife or husband is merely scheming and manipulating you by denying you in order to secretly get you to do something he or she won't tell you in the first place, then to hell with them and bring sunblock. If they don't want you or anything about you and live to screw around not doing about that then who needs to be chained to a spoiled child. And if they just don't care, don't have normal human emotions and don't see that as problem then what's the damn point?
> 
> I calmly told my blushing bride this week that I have officially run out of ideas and am shutting down the 'why can't you have sex' project forever. We are done. No further discussion is required. She announced years ago that she was, essentially ending all sex for no obvious reason and less concern. I have periodically attempted to address this while still making 100% of the effort and doing 100% of the work. So I am finally on board with that and it is out in the open. No games no hiding no bull****. No physical contact at all. Zero point zero. No touching, no hand holding no hugs no kissing, nada. She is free to weigh 250lbs if she likes. I couldn't tell if she did anyway since she's never spent a minute not wearing layers of baggy lumpy sweats. And even though I'm color blind even I can tell it's a mix and match disaster. But to be fair the last time, the last time I saw my wife's body was almost 20 years ago. I don't remember or care what it looks like. And since she's gone out of her way not to take care of herself, I don't want to know what she looks like.
> 
> ...


Phew!! I've been waiting for you to get that all out! Good for you!


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## Prometheus Pyrphoros (Jun 16, 2011)

Some people are just mean by nature and are willing to pretend to be something else for a while to set the trap. Once the catch is there, they reveal their true face and just suck the life energy of the other to accomplish their own selfish goals, destroying the other partner in process and effectively screwing up their life. Geez, some people should just have some decency not to marry and live out their frustrated lives without sucking in others to feed of. Guess you just can't be sure until it's too late.


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## nickiej904 (Jun 28, 2011)

I lived this!! My first husband and I were together for 18 years, and it utterly destroyed my self esteem! Here are my suggestions:
1 - See if there's a physical issue with him - low testosterone, ED, etc. And if so, fix it! Of course, this requires him to be willing to go there and that can be very difficult for men to admit there could be something to look into.
2 - Get couples counseling to see if there are relationship issues that could be impacting his lack of desire. And if so, address them in a healthy way.
3 - Realize in the deepest part of your soul that IT IS NOT YOU!!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE WORTHY!!!!!!!
4 - If nothing changes, save yourself. It will destroy your self esteem and leave permanent scars that impact your future relationships. Being physically and/or emotionally abandoned is SERIOUS and DAMAGING to a marriage. You deserve to be happy!! You ARE WORTHY!!!!


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