# No longer attracted to overweight husband



## itsmeokay (Sep 25, 2013)

I am really nervous about posting this but here goes.

We have been married just about 5 years now, together for about 9, both 32 years old. He was always a big guy..he was about 250 when I met him but it was his charm, his wit, and his easy-going fun-loving nature that drew me to him. Whenever we were intimate I seem to recall that I really did enjoy it. His penis was/is the smallest I had ever seen. It is maybe about 4 inches when erect. We mainly did it in the doggystyle position and it was fine I guess because I had strong feelings for him then.

Well fast forward to more recent times.. He has gained about 150 lb which puts him at nearly 400 lb (he is 5'11). I am only 5'2 at about 145 lb. Also, because of him slacking in the head of household dept and lying, and a host of other things, we separate for half of last year. During that time we both entertained other individuals. I was intimate with the person I was seeing. We are however, back living together now and have been for this year. 

Here is the problem: I find sex and the thought of sex with my husband gross.
1-He is overweight at almost 400 lb so rolls of fat are all over the place. I am not keen on having missionary (him on top) or cowgirl (me on top) because several years ago, we were just sitting on the bed, and the bed broke. This means that we have wound up having doggystyle sex which does NOT work because....

2-His already small 4-inch penis is further hidden by the added belly and pubic area fat. He so called puts it in, but it's like nothing is in there. The worst part is that the guy that I was intimate with was very well endowed. I have not idea why people say the thing about black men because it is the COMPLETE opposite for my husband


I just don't know how to find a solution to this. I have tried faking enthusiasm for sex, but I realize that I am just short-changing myself because I'm pretty HD. I don't get any satisfaction from sex with him whatsoever. 

I know the standard reply is that I knew he was a someone big guy when I met/married him, so I shouldn't say anything now. But truthfully I married him and ignored a lot of things simply because I just wanted to get married. Yes I loved him and we had/have lots of fun together, but fun doesn't come in handy when I need someone to share certain grownup responsibilities. I'm one of the statistics: got married to him for the absolutely worst reasons. So now that I AM here, and I do have to live with my bad decision, what can be done NOW? 

Is this a reason for divorce? What suggestions does someone have? I am sexually frustrated and crave affection


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

itsmeokay said:


> I know the standard reply is that I knew he was a someone big guy when I met/married him, so I shouldn't say anything now.


He gained a whopping 150 pounds, and for someone who's 5'11" he shouldn't weigh a lot more than 150 to start with. 

You *SHOULD* say something now!!! It's not just about sexual attraction it's about his health for crying out loud. Have you had a serious discussion with him about this issue? Does he even know how it's affecting you??


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You husband needs help. Have you talked to him about his weight and about the two of you tackling it? You can cast this as an issue about his health.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Itsme - do you still love the person under the flab?
If the answer is no, then I think the best thing you can do is divorce.

If you DO still love the person underneath the flabby shell then help him.
Talk to him...ask him if he is happy being the size he is...bet you he says no. Ask him if he wants to lose weight, if the reply is yes please help him, support him, love him...physically too.

So...if you both want what you had back, both work at it and support each other. If one or neither of you do, separate.

And a question to all ladies out there....so long as you LOVE your man does the size of his manhood really matter......
.........
I thought not


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## tommyr (May 25, 2014)

Many (most?) people are NOT sexually attracted to an overweight person.
Your preference for a non-obese sex partner is completely normal, probably this selectivity is a hard wiring in our brains and I doubt you could change this even if you wanted to.

Have you talked to him about is massive weight gain?
What did he say?
Have you talked to him about your sexual aversion to obesity?
Just because he is your husband does NOT give him immunity from the consequences of his lifestyle change that took him from 250 to 400 during your relationship. 

This will probably be a tough conversation but it is one you MUST have.
Do some more research and maybe talk to some people you trust as preparation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## spiceupthings (Jul 15, 2014)

Your Problem: 1. Fat Husband 2. Sex
Purposed Solution: Talk to your man ask him to start gym. Register him in a gym, Pay for 2 month membership, force him to go to gym and get fit
2. Try to indulge more in sex you can use toys etc to address the size and try new stuff to bring change. talk about this to him

Monitor for two months see if things improve give him another month and monitor. If after this time you don'e see any improvement then you can decide on moving on


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## MarriedManInHis40s (Mar 28, 2013)

spiceupthings said:


> Your Problem: 1. Fat Husband 2. Sex
> Purposed Solution: Talk to your man ask him to start gym. Register him in a gym, Pay for 2 month membership, force him to go to gym and get fit


I don't think this is a good idea. 250lb is "overweight". 400lbs is not merely "overweight", it is morbidly obese. (A BMI over 25 is considered overweight. A BMI over 40 is considered morbidly obese. Her husband's BMI is *55*) 

400lbs requires medical intervention, not a gym membership. (not to mention that the gym is perhaps not even set up to handle someone that large...a treadmill would be a good start but he needs to check the weight limits). He should probably start with supervised walking and a strict diet before he's worried about the gym.

The OP asks "is this a reason for divorce"? Well, nobody can answer that question for her. I can't tell the OP whether or not she should stick around. Zero sex appeal, irresponsible....I certainly wouldn't.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

The first thing that attracts someone to someone else is their looks.

However, the physical body 'I' am in is not the real me...the real 'me' lies in what is inside; my soul, my character....

We all know that there are drop dead gorgeous men and women who are absolute and totally selfish $hits.

Just as there are men and women who where at the back of the 'looks' queue but who are genuine, down to earth, kind, loving and considerate people.

I would much rather be with an overweight mediocre woman but with whom I really clicked and had a loving relationship than be with a drop dead gorgeous woman who treated me like $hit.

And I agree with MarriedMan above...going to a gym would probably kill him. He needs to have his diet regulated until such time that his body (and joints) can handle the exercising.


Jus sayin!


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I can understand that attraction at 250# is not the same as 400#. Love and affection can let you live with 250 but not 400.

And when you say "tried faking enthusiasm for sex", you were just sending him the wrong message. The message you should have been sending, by sitting in front of him and holding his hand, was "I love you but sex just isn't working for me". Open and honest communication is the key.

Going the "I can't stand looking at you, you fat slob" route probably won't work. The "I'm concerned about your health and the health of this relationship" is probably the opening line you should use.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So why did you separate? And more importantly, why did you get back together?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

There are 3 options available: 1) divorce him 2) help him change 3) ignore everything

Just having a good time is not enough for marriage. That's more like roomates. Marriage means loving each other for better or worse, taking care of the responsibilities as a team, and helping each other to be better selves which includes being healthier. Being lovers and not taking each other for granted.

You said that you married him for the worst reasons, it sounds like you don't really love him actually. Without getting much into this, what matters is what you really decide to do now. Helping someone with such overweight is going to be a long term thing and it's not easy and might not succeed. Are you willing to take that path? If you don't really love him nor want this then it's better to get out now. It's also about letting both of you have a chance to find someone who loves each of you for real.

If you do want to help him then you'll need to be very patient but firm with him. Make sure he understands that you are for real and you are there to help him yet if he doesn't try hard you'll leave. It's his health at stake and your attraction towards him, and he either puts effort on this or things will end.
To help him you need to try understand the issue and start understanding which diets can be efficient.

- Take him to a doctor to see if there is any health issue causing such weight gain;
- How much does he eat?? He needs to eat less and less gradually, but not cut a huge amount of food right away or it might screw up his body, set it into alert mode that causes more absorption;
- Help him define a long term goal set with small perhaps weekly goals, like weekly diets, figure out the right portions and food he can eat each week, then diminish the portion of it bit by bit;
- Try to control the grocery shopping and cooking and try to not fail this so that he won't end up eating anything that strays away from the diet plan.

You need to balance between being understanding and firm. Put efforts together and help him overcome it. That is what marriage means.


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## changedbeliefs (Jun 13, 2014)

In the extreme view, your husband is completely taking advantage of you, that you are "locked in" to the marriage, and he doesn't have to take care of himself. The most empathetic view, he is experiencing extreme personal issues, and is trapping himself inside this deteriorating physical body. Either way, I'm sorry, it's a dealbreaker for me, in a marriage. "For better or worse" is simply an acknowledgment that you will work through struggles, it's unreasonable to believe that is meant to imply, no matter what hell the other person decides to drag you into, you'll endure it graciously.

Only you know if "the man under the flab" is a man you still love, respect and want to be with. Clearly, the man, in totality, isn't. You just need to lay down the law, this simply: if there is potential for you to stay, you tell him, this marriage can't continue as is, with his just letting his physical state go on like this. Regardless of reasons, you are willing to help him change, get healthy, lose weight. If he isn't willing to help himself in that regard, you consider it a "divorceable" issue. If he tells you, "tough crap, you're supposed to love me no matter what," I say you tell him to pound sand. That's not the agreement.


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## itsmeokay (Sep 25, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> You husband needs help. Have you talked to him about his weight and about the two of you tackling it? You can cast this as an issue about his health.


Yes I have talked to him about his weight. I opened up to him about 2 years ago. He had been fully aware that the weight was an issue. Earlier this year we were sort of doing the calorie-tracking thing along with higher intake of vegetables, fiber, reduced sugar and reduced sodium. I'm trying to lose about 15 lbs so I have work to do too. He has a ways to go obviously but I can't push him to do everything. 



tommyr said:


> Many (most?) people are NOT sexually attracted to an overweight person.
> Your preference for a non-obese sex partner is completely normal, probably this selectivity is a hard wiring in our brains and I doubt you could change this even if you wanted to.
> 
> Have you talked to him about is massive weight gain? *Yes, on multiple occasions.*
> ...





MarriedManInHis40s said:


> I don't think this is a good idea. 250lb is "overweight". 400lbs is not merely "overweight", it is morbidly obese. (A BMI over 25 is considered overweight. A BMI over 40 is considered morbidly obese. Her husband's BMI is *55*)
> 
> 400lbs requires medical intervention, not a gym membership. (not to mention that the gym is perhaps not even set up to handle someone that large...a treadmill would be a good start but he needs to check the weight limits). He should probably start with supervised walking and a strict diet before he's worried about the gym.
> 
> The OP asks "is this a reason for divorce"? Well, nobody can answer that question for her. I can't tell the OP whether or not she should stick around. Zero sex appeal, irresponsible....I certainly wouldn't.


There is zero sex appeal... I just don't see how to get through this. Honestly I do feel very trapped. 



askari said:


> The first thing that attracts someone to someone else is their looks.
> 
> However, the physical body 'I' am in is not the real me...the real 'me' lies in what is inside; my soul, my character....
> 
> ...


Well I thought the same thing, which is one of the rationales I gave myself for marrying him....that he is a great friend, we have lots in common, same sense of humor, and he is a kind man. But honestly, I just don't know anymore if that is enough to sustain a marriage for the next 5, 10, 20 years. I am only 32. I don't want to be sexless from now til the rest of our lives



Chris Taylor said:


> I can understand that attraction at 250# is not the same as 400#. Love and affection can let you live with 250 but not 400.
> 
> And when you say "tried faking enthusiasm for sex", you were just sending him the wrong message. The message you should have been sending, by sitting in front of him and holding his hand, was "I love you but sex just isn't working for me". Open and honest communication is the key.
> 
> Going the "I can't stand looking at you, you fat slob" route probably won't work. *The "I'm concerned about your health and the health of this relationship" is probably the opening line you should use.*


Very good point


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## itsmeokay (Sep 25, 2013)

intheory said:


> No-one loses weight, unless they want to.
> 
> I mean, like he doesn't know he's ridiculously overweight at 400#.
> 
> ...


I have mothered/nagged him on just about everything... From trying to motivate him to get healthy, to getting a stable job, to furthering his education, to do things to help me around the house... I have grown so tired of trying to push him to do so much. I am only one person and on top of trying to improve myself, it's difficult trying to do that for me AND him. Like I've told him before, I can't be more eager and dedicated than he is. I told him that I would cheer him on and support him, but he has to have some intrinsic motivation. It is to the point that I have to hand him everything. (ie for things around the house, I am the one who will google solutions and remedies then explain it to him so that he can go to the hardware store and carry out the solution. for the job situation, I have spent hours updating his resume and going even so far as to go on the job boards and hunt/apply for jobs on his behalf because he doesn't). I feel like I'm rambling now, sorry..


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Again... Why did you get back together with him? You don't respect him. You don't find him physically attractive. You had already made it over the hard part by separating. So why come back?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## itsmeokay (Sep 25, 2013)

PBear said:


> So why did you separate? And more importantly, why did you get back together?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Separated for a number of reasons. I lost respect and feelings of love for him because he just was lazy and unmotivated in a lot of ways. I felt like I was doing all the work (from buying our home in my name, going on to receive an advanced degree, securing a stable well-paid job, and being the problem-solver) all the while having to carry him and push him along the way.

I came back honestly because I felt guilty...like because I said those vows "for better or worse" that I was obligated to stay regardless. I came back because of religious beliefs, that G-d hates divorce. I came back because I felt sorry for him...because without me, he doesn't have much and I was unsure if he would end up on the street. I came back because like I said, we do enjoy the same type of entertainment and it's fun hanging with him. And lastly, I came back because I am pretty much a stepmom to a 5 year old with him, and I know that if we go our separate ways that there won't be any shared custody and such...I have no legal or parental rights to him...and the thought of giving up that relationship hurt me so bad. I love the little boy and he calls me Mommy.

My husband is aware of all of this, as I have been very open and transparent of my feelings, why I left, and why I came back around.


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## itsmeokay (Sep 25, 2013)

changedbeliefs said:


> In the extreme view, your husband is completely taking advantage of you, that you are "locked in" to the marriage, and he doesn't have to take care of himself. The most empathetic view, *he is experiencing extreme personal issues*, and is trapping himself inside this deteriorating physical body. Either way, I'm sorry, it's a dealbreaker for me, in a marriage. "For better or worse" is simply an acknowledgment that you will work through struggles, it's unreasonable to believe that is meant to imply, no matter what hell the other person decides to drag you into, you'll endure it graciously.
> 
> Only you know if "the man under the flab" is a man you still love, respect and want to be with. Clearly, the man, in totality, isn't. You just need to lay down the law, this simply: if there is potential for you to stay, you tell him, this marriage can't continue as is, with his just letting his physical state go on like this. Regardless of reasons, you are willing to help him change, get healthy, lose weight. If he isn't willing to help himself in that regard, you consider it a "divorceable" issue. If he tells you, "tough crap, you're supposed to love me no matter what," I say you tell him to pound sand. That's not the agreement.


His mother passed away a few years ago and he later on revealed that he was going through a depression which affected his will to accomplish anything (including losing weight).


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

He sounds seriously depressed.

I get what you are saying about he has to show some motivation. It sounds like he has no motivation at all for anything.

Perhaps it is time to save yourself at least. What is happening is that his depression is dragging you down. If you stick around much longer you could be sucked into the black hole he's in more than you are right now.

It's no a healthy place for you to be.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

How does your husband feel about himself?

Is he ok with how he is and happy in denial of his problem, or is he self aware and miserable?

How does he view his marriage with you? Is he in love with you and committed to life together with you?

Do you love him and want to save the marriage?

IMHO the answers to these three questions will determine what course of action.

If he is miserable with himself and in love with you and wants to continue marriage with you, then he MUST go into action immediately! (actually, he must anyway, but I'm only speaking to the relationship). Is the thought of losing you terrifying to him? 

barriatric surgery may be the best option. Medical solutions are a must. That is number one. You must get him to a dr. that specializes in drastic weight reduction. From all the buzz in the internet, there are apparently many.

On the other hand, if he is blissfully content and in denial and not truly committed to you and you are not 100% on board, then I'm afraid of a downhill spiral.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

itsmeokay said:


> He would hear me but I don't think he took me seriously. He has either directly or indirectly said that I knew he was big when I married him so he feels like it is coming out of the blue.



He was big when you married him. He is no longer big, he is now morbidly obese. Tell him that bigness is something you expected, and you can live with. Morbid obesity is not.


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## changedbeliefs (Jun 13, 2014)

You came back out of guilt, fear of religious retribution and for his child. Not because you cared about him...at least not primarily, not at all. We marry to care ABOUT someone, not to take care OF someone. Honestly, I'm not even sure I'd give him the ultimatum. Your feelings are gone, it sounds like his effort is gone, you're the only crutch keeping him up. He needs to learn to stand on his own. I lost my father a few months ago to cancer, it happens, it's horrible, but it happens, and we need to move on.

If you think that there is a chance, he turns it around, loses the weight, becomes fit and energetic and vibrant, and that is someone you'd respect, and be attracted to, and want to live your life with, then give him a chance. If that is not in the cards, then free both of you up to find that for each other elsewhere.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

get him on something like myfitnesspal app...help him to set it up and fill it out daily for at least a week. Maybe it will open his eyes to how his eating is killing himself. Maybe it will encourage him to try more healthy food, and adding some exercise.

Jeez, he can eat practically ALL THE VEGTABLES he wants any time, any way (other than smothered with butter) and he will lose a ton of weight.

Go thru the kitchen and litterally throw out any sugar, sugary drinks, fruity drinks, ice cream, candy, chips, white bread, rice, potatos...you get the picture. ONLY have available fresh fruits as a sweet snack, veggies for a hungry time snack. Make salad for a main meal at least once a day. Use lemon juice on it instead of salad dressing, or maybe balsamic vinegar.

Get cases of diet soda or diet lemonade or spring water, and keep them cold for him to sip on. 

Take him for a walk tonight, once around the block. 

what do you have to lose? you sound like you are one foot out the door already. Go for broke, try to change him, and if he resists or gets mad, then its time for maybe leaving.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

I found out just about a month ago that I'm over weight. Not that I just woke up, looked in the mirror and discovered it. 

My problem is that I'm a senior, 66, and have a bad case of emphysema so I'm limited to what I can do being on oxygen 24/7. Having this illness makes it hard to breath and added weight makes it even harder so one day about a month ago I knew that after i got off the scale at the doctors office that I needed to lose weight, I decided to do just that.

Now everybody has their ways of losing weight but the one thing I found out is no matter how much you try, if your heart isn't in it, it's twice as hard.

Now I knew a guy who lost 50 pounds by drinking this product that you mix with skim milk and you drink one a breakfast and lunch and have a supper that's reasonable and healthy snacks. 

The big secret to me was WANTING TO DO IT, and I got into it, cut out sweets (yeah I have some but not a lot) and bought a scale and stuck with it and in a month, I lost 18 pounds and I'm doing good, but YOU GOT TO WANT TO. When its forced, your heart isn't in it until it gives out but by then it's too late. 

Your husband has to want to do this for himself before he can do it for anyone else and believe me, there are people in this world that eat to live and then there are people like me that live to eat. I broke the habit because I wanted to and if he can find that in him, then he can shed the pounds and feel good about himself.


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## WatchmansMoon (Mar 6, 2013)

Chris Taylor said:


> I can understand that attraction at 250# is not the same as 400#. Love and affection can let you live with 250 but not 400.
> 
> And when you say "tried faking enthusiasm for sex", you were just sending him the wrong message. The message you should have been sending, by sitting in front of him and holding his hand, was "I love you but sex just isn't working for me". Open and honest communication is the key.


 :iagree:

YES YES YES. Be completely honest with him at this point, especially if your marriage is at stake. At least he will know what you feel and that there's some work needed on his part. I'm wondering what type of food you buy and prepare at the house too, since healthy eating has a big impact on weight loss. Granted, he can go through the drive through on his own and get junk food at the grocery store, but at least you're doing everything on your part to help him.

I feel badly for you, girl. HUGS to you!


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> He sounds seriously depressed.
> 
> I get what you are saying about he has to show some motivation. It sounds like he has no motivation at all for anything.
> 
> ...


I completely agree with him sounding depressed but I completely disagree with it being an unhealthy place for you to be. You're his WIFE. You DID marry for better or for worse and if you are a Christian, it is your wifely duty as a bride to stay no matter what, unless he cheats. It is not okay to divorce because he won't do what you want, because you think you may not be in love with him, or because he is very obese. It just means you need help.

I can't believe nobody has suggested it yet, but you should get both of you into MC and him into IC. When the therapist explains to him why he should lose weight then it will be much easier for him to see why he should. It will make more sense to him coming from a third party, because to him you are just his "nagging wife" and so he puts it off as a nag. The therapist will help him really SEE what he is doing.

I also agree with the poster suggesting a surgery to greatly reduce this weight. I think it's a wonderful option. I had an aunt who was in the upper 200s her whole life, and she had a weight reduction surgery and just dropped the weight from then on, now she is 130 and looks amazing. It may be the headstart he needs.

If you can't do that, then just go to counseling. Sounds like you guys need a lot of help with your marriage and he needs help with his depression issues and why he doesn't care about his health and doesn't have self-discipline when eating.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Has he done anything to work on the issues you had with him? Frankly, I don't see this working out. You don't respect him (until he fixes his life), you're not attracted to him (until he loses weight, at best). And quite frankly, if your vows and god were so important to you, I wonder why you slept with some "well endowed" dude while separated... Not meaning to judge, just questioning how committed you are to making this work. 

Personally, I think you would be best to stay gone until he showed he was actively interested in addressing the issues. Dating, working on your relationship, but staying separate until he shows that your issues are issues to him too. As it is, you've shown him that you accept things the way they are, which removes his need to change. 

Just my $0.02 worth. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

ariel_angel77 said:


> I completely agree with him sounding depressed but I completely disagree with it being an unhealthy place for you to be. You're his WIFE. You DID marry for better or for worse and if you are a Christian, it is your wifely duty as a bride to stay no matter what, unless he cheats.


I'm not a real good Christian, but I don't think even cheating is a reason for divorce in the eyes of the church. BUT if it is, then certainly allowing ones self to deteriorate and allow a marriage to deteriorate is also a reason.

I feel for OP as religious beliefs can put a spin on a situation that us non-believers may not be able to understand. Only you can decide whether or not your religious convictions outweigh (no pun intended) the problems you have here.


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## changedbeliefs (Jun 13, 2014)

ariel_angel77 said:


> I completely agree with him sounding depressed but I completely disagree with it being an unhealthy place for you to be. You're his WIFE. You DID marry for better or for worse and if you are a Christian, it is your wifely duty as a bride to stay no matter what, unless he cheats. It is not okay to divorce because he won't do what you want, because you think you may not be in love with him, or because he is very obese. It just means you need help.


Apologies for crassness: what a load of s**t. Her "wifely duty"?? Give me a break. She's got to stay NO MATTER WHAT.....unless he cheats. So he can become a big, fat, apathetic pantload, and she just has to stay? If she no longer loves him, she can't divorce him? What if he no longer loves her, but he just needs someone to clean his bed sores, she's got to stay? What if he's physically abusive? God says she's got to stay?? This is why I hate religion, people make up bulls**t rules, and claim some higher power gives them the authority to spew their garbage.

Marriage is between PEOPLE, who change, who have flaws, who have individual lives to live, goals they want to achieve. Should we give of ourselves to help others? Absolutely. Is marriage ideally a melding of two people aiming to help both people achieve their own goals, and then joint goals, as well? Sure. Should we sacrifice our own being so some other apathetic, life-sucking person can just walk all over us? Hell. No.

How about this Christian philosophy - God helps those who help themselves. She's there to HELP, not DO. If he's not willing to DO, then to heck with him. She shouldn't have to let him sap all of her energy while he continues to gradually die a slow death from food consumption.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ariel_angel77 said:


> I completely agree with him sounding depressed but I completely disagree with it being an unhealthy place for you to be. You're his WIFE. You DID marry for better or for worse and if you are a Christian, it is your wifely duty as a bride to stay no matter what, unless he cheats. It is not okay to divorce because he won't do what you want, because you think you may not be in love with him, or because he is very obese. It just means you need help.
> 
> I can't believe nobody has suggested it yet, but you should get both of you into MC and him into IC. When the therapist explains to him why he should lose weight then it will be much easier for him to see why he should. It will make more sense to him coming from a third party, because to him you are just his "nagging wife" and so he puts it off as a nag. The therapist will help him really SEE what he is doing.
> 
> ...


The OP's problems her are not "just" that her husband is overweight. If that was the extent of the issues, solving this might be a lot easier. From what she says he's nonfunctional in every aspect of life. 

I agree with you that the OP and her husband need a lot of help. She has tried to get him to do what is needed and he refuses. The result is that she is being torn down emotionally. 

Her husband is seriously depressed. It sounds like he's basically non-functional. He has a responsibility to fight through the depression, get the help he needs and fix his life. But he's not doing it. He seems to rely on her to the point of him settling in to a seriously dangerous rut.

I've been through this with my second husband. Not the weight gain.. but the depression, becoming 100% dysfunctional and him refusing to do anything about it. 

Like the OP, when I married him, he had young children. My H had 100% custody of his DD10 and DS10. He was laid off from an extremely good job with in 2 years of our marriage. Over the next couple of years he just stopped functioning. Like the OP I pushed him to job hunt, I sent out resumes, set up interviews, etc when it was clear that he was not doing it. But he could not carry off the interview. He's brilliant. He articulate, funny, intelligent, yada yada yada. But he blew every interview. I paid for career counseling, head hunters, you name it. 

He was finally diagnosed with serious depression and AD/HD. He just basically had a break down.

The upshot of it was that I raised his children and my son. He and his ex did not help raise them at all. I was the sole breadwinner. I took care of the income, personal finances, the children, the home, the yard, the cars... he played computer games, surfed the web and I kept catching him on sex sites. 

And yes I paid for career counselors, head hunters, you name it to get him working. I took him to doctors and psychiatrists who diagnosed him with serious depression and AD/HD. He just has always refused to follow through on the help. When he took the meds, he did not change his behavior.. he just got a lot better at playing computer games. Shoot I even suggested that if he loves gaming.. he's a web developer.. he should start a gaming site, gaming store, etc. After all it's on the darn computer. ... nope.


The reason that I found TAM and started posting here is because once the children were in college and off to the Army I was left here mostly with just him. (well and the dogs) I would sit here after work and just watch him on the computer, him not even talking or interacting with me, night after night.

In that quiet, by myself every night, I realized that I had been drug into the depth of a very bad depression that only got worse once the kids were mostly gone. This went on from 2002 until when I divorced him in 2013.

The OP is at the very start of the kind of situation I went through. Her stepson is 5, so she has more years in which she will be raising her stepchild, mostly by herself. She has a non-functional husband. She's already at the point where I sounds like she is being sucked into depression.

At some point a person has to save themselves. The OP has to decide for herself what that point is. I know that I stayed with it far too long. I should have kicked him out years ago and just kept his kids. 

I'm not trying to patronize here... but you are very young. I had to live through this for years to learn the lesson that a person has to save themselves first before they are any good at all to anyone else.

I don't think that God ever intended for people to live in hell to keep marriage together. One thing to think about is that in the 'old days' most marriages only lasted 10-15 years due to death. 25% of all women died in child birth. today we are expecting people to stay together 50, 60, 70 years. 

A lot of the issues that couples deal with today were non-issues in the 'good old days'. For example it was next to impossible for anyone to get to 400lbs because they did not eat refined sugar and junk food like we do. A person who did not work did not eat. So OP's husband and mine would have had to get off their behinds and grown their own food. Depression was not much of an issue because people exercised a LOT in their daily lives, ate healthy food and died before they were old enough to get a lot of depression. And in the old days there were no TV's, computers and electronic games, and online porn/sexting to seduce people into a sedentary life revolving around a screen/tv.

[rant]end of rant  [/rant]


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