# Woman in a sexless marriage - need advice



## Reconnectlily (Feb 17, 2015)

I'm 43 and my husband is 55. This April will be our 24th wedding anniversary. For the past three years, there has been no sex in our relationship (not my choice) and virtually no intimacy at all. Just a quick hug and maybe a quick kiss in the morning and at night. No other contact. Prior to this, for several years it was sex maybe once or twice a year and once a month before that.
My husband has never had a really high sex drive, but we were often touching or holding hands. For the first seven years of our marriage, people thought we were newlyweds. Now, there is nothing. We've talked about it (I try hard not to argue since he doesn't like confrontation), but nothing has changed. He's happy with the way things are. 
I thought it was me - did I do something wrong, should I do something differently - he says no, but I don't know if I believe him. My body shape is the same as it was when we married, so he says it isn't that. I've tried lingerie, suggesting toys or videos, etc., but he isn't interested in any of that. I brought up counseling, but he thinks it's a bad idea and doesn't want to go. I suggested getting his testosterone levels checked and he agreed to, but never followed through. I'm at my wits end. Since my mid thirties, my libido has increased dramatically and it's getting harder and harder for me to cope. I feel like we're just friends and parents, and I need so much more. And I feel awful for feeling that way. 
He's a nice guy, very supportive usually, and he's a wonderful father and I feel so guilty wanting more. It's just that I feel so lonely and I don't know what to do. I've thought about leaving, but I don't want to hurt him or our kids. 
Has anyone here ever been in a situation like this or do you have any advice? I'm so confused and frustrated and I just don't know what to do.
Thanks for listening.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

Reconnectlily said:


> Has anyone here ever been in a situation like this or do you have any advice? I'm so confused and frustrated and I just don't know what to do. Thanks for listening.


I've lived it and it wasn't fun. My wife's libido turned off like a switch when the first child was born and didn't turn back on again until around the time the youngest was graduating from high school.

It sounds like his T is low or he might perhaps be experiencing some form of depression, which is fairly common with men at that age.

What does his doctor say? Or is he too stubborn to even go?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Your libido has increased over the years, but I'm wondering how low it was before it started to increase. Is there any reason that he would be resentful of the past? Did you turn him down a lot in the past? Unlikely I guess, since you say he was never really high drive. If he's always been LD and it's just getting lower I'd suspect low T.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Holy cow Sweetheart why on earth do you feel bad that you're unhappy? 

No One would be happy in your circumstance!

You've checked your appearance...good.
You've checked your relationship...good.

You two spend enough time together?
You two date, flirt with each other?

Physical affection has disappeared as well. That's usually so that the partner who doesn't want sex can keep the other at a distance so that sex is never even brought up.

This has nothing to do with you and everything to do with HIM!

He avoids conflict and he is a nice guy. Yup, I married a guy like that. Good luck sister, these guys don't change without a stick of dynamite up their asses!

You're going to have go ballistic and maybe he might take a few steps in the right direction. Then he will back slide and you will be miserable once again. Then you will go ballistic and he will take a few steps once again, then back slide again. Ain't love grand!

Tell him he gets his T levels checked by next month AND follows through with any and all possible treatment, or you will blow up the marriage.

Go to MC and tell him he will be coming with you or you will blow up the marriage.

Sex, love, passion, desire...these are some of the best things life has to offer! When your one and only partner feels it's okay to starve you of these things you must out your foot down. Your H doesn't like confrontation, tough toe nails! No one niced and cajoled and patted their way to bliss! The fought for it and they won it!


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## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

Reconnectlily said:


> I'm 43 and my husband is 55. This April will be our 24th wedding anniversary. For the past three years, there has been no sex in our relationship (not my choice) and virtually no intimacy at all. Just a quick hug and maybe a quick kiss in the morning and at night. No other contact. Prior to this, for several years it was sex maybe once or twice a year and once a month before that.
> My husband has never had a really high sex drive, but we were often touching or holding hands. For the first seven years of our marriage, people thought we were newlyweds. Now, there is nothing. We've talked about it (I try hard not to argue since he doesn't like confrontation), but nothing has changed. *He's happy with the way things are.*
> I thought it was me - did I do something wrong, should I do something differently - he says no, but I don't know if I believe him. My body shape is the same as it was when we married, so he says it isn't that. I've tried lingerie, suggesting toys or videos, etc., but he isn't interested in any of that. I brought up counseling, but he thinks it's a bad idea and doesn't want to go. I suggested getting his testosterone levels checked and he agreed to, but never followed through. I'm at my wits end. Since my mid thirties, my libido has increased dramatically and it's getting harder and harder for me to cope. I feel like we're just friends and parents, and I need so much more. And I feel awful for feeling that way.
> He's a nice guy, very supportive usually, and he's a wonderful father and I feel so guilty wanting more. It's just that I feel so lonely and I don't know what to do. I've thought about leaving, but I don't want to hurt him or our kids.
> ...


This has to change. As long as this applies, he has no reason to.


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## Reconnectlily (Feb 17, 2015)

ocotillo said:


> Reconnectlily said:
> 
> 
> > Has anyone here ever been in a situation like this or do you have any advice? I'm so confused and frustrated and I just don't know what to do. Thanks for listening.
> ...


Thank you for your response. Wow, that's a long time to go without. If you don't mind sharing, how did you cope? 
And yes, he's been too stubborn to go to the Dr.


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## Reconnectlily (Feb 17, 2015)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Is there any reason that he would be resentful of the past? Did you turn him down a lot in the past? Unlikely I guess, since you say he was never really high drive. If he's always been LD and it's just getting lower I'd suspect low T.


I've never turned him down, so I don't know. I guess it's possible there's resentment of some sort. I've asked if I did anything to upset him and he said no. But I also know he'll say what he thinks I want to heear to avoid conflict. He's told me that before. Thanks for responding.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

If his T levels are low he may be unable to actually get his ass in to the doctor and deal with it.

Because the thing that will motivate him to do it isn't there.

I suggest you book his appt and go in with him to make sure it gets done. If his T is actually low, it's kinda not his fault.


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## Reconnectlily (Feb 17, 2015)

Anon Pink said:


> Holy cow Sweetheart why on earth do you feel
> 
> You two spend enough time together?
> You two date, flirt with each other?
> ...


Thank you for your post and for the validation. I really needed that. I guess I just feel guilty about putting my needs before his and the kids. But maybe it's OK?

When he's not at work, he's usually home. We don't date and all of our time spent together is family time. At this point, I try to avoid spending time alone with him because it's so frustrating for me. I don't turn down offers to date, we just don't. And a big no to the flirting. I've tried in the past and I think it makes him uncomfortable, and to be honest, at this point in time I really don't feel much like flirting with him. Very confusing.  It's like I desperately want it, but not if I have to push myself on him. 
I don't want to spend the rest of my life without intimacy, but I want him to be intimate with me because he wants to, not because he feels like he has to. Does that make sense? 
Maybe I should stop being nice and demand marriage counseling and a Dr. visit.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Reconnectlily said:


> Thank you for your post and for the validation. I really needed that. I guess I just feel guilty about putting my needs before his and the kids. But maybe it's OK?
> 
> When he's not at work, he's usually home. We don't date and all of our time spent together is family time. At this point, I try to avoid spending time alone with him because it's so frustrating for me. I don't turn down offers to date, we just don't. And a big no to the flirting. I've tried in the past and I think it makes him uncomfortable, and to be honest, at this point in time I really don't feel much like flirting with him. Very confusing.  It's like I desperately want it, but not if I have to push myself on him.
> I don't want to spend the rest of my life without intimacy, but I want him to be intimate with me because he wants to, not because he feels like he has to.  Does that make sense?
> Maybe I should stop being nice and demand marriage counseling and a Dr. visit.


Sometimes having to drives you to discover that you want to.

Doctor visit. Just get it done. If it's not low-T it can be other stuff, but get that checked.


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## Reconnectlily (Feb 17, 2015)

marduk said:


> If his T levels are low he may be unable to actually get his ass in to the doctor and deal with it.
> 
> Because the thing that will motivate him to do it isn't there.
> 
> I suggest you book his appt and go in with him to make sure it gets done. If his T is actually low, it's kinda not his fault.


Good point. I guess it's time to be forceful. Thank for pointing that out!


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Reconnectlily said:


> Good point. I guess it's time to be forceful. Thank for pointing that out!


Not forceful. 

Structured. Persistant without being naggy. 

In other words, pick up phone, make appointment, get husband in car, drive, walk in to doctor's office with him, look dr in the eye and say that I'd like to have a sex life with my husband please, can we get his T levels checked just to make sure that's not it? 

If his T levels are low it could be all kinds of things... some easy to fix, and some medically actually dangerous. 

It's good to find out what the problem is, and if it's medical at all.


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## Reconnectlily (Feb 17, 2015)

marduk said:


> Reconnectlily said:
> 
> 
> > Good point. I guess it's time to be forceful. Thank for pointing that out!
> ...


Structured is good. I try not to nag, which is possibly why he hasn't gone in, but I can definitely do structured.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

Reconnectlily said:


> And yes, he's been too stubborn to go to the Dr.


You *don't* want this to go on for twenty more years. That would be misery. 

If seeing a doctor is going to take a stick of dynamite under his rear end, I'd say light the fuse.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Reconnectlily said:


> I've never turned him down, so I don't know. I guess it's possible there's resentment of some sort. I've asked if I did anything to upset him and he said no. But I also know he'll say what he thinks I want to heear to avoid conflict. He's told me that before. Thanks for responding.


You said that he is conflict avoidant. Is he also passive aggressive? Often conflict avoiders are. They will not address a conflict directly. But it has to come out some how, so they do it covertly.

The most common reason that men stop having sex with their wives is anger and resentment. Instead of addressing it directly, they use withholding of sex as a way to punish/hurt their wife.

Your husband's promise to see a doctor and then not doing it, makes me think that anger/resentment is the cause of his lack of interest in sex.

I had a husband who did this so I can empathize with the emotional pain you are going through.

One of the issues that women often have when this happens is that we blame ourselves. After all we have always been told that men are always ready for sex. So obviously there must be something wrong with us.

When we hear about sexless marriages, it's often assumed it's the woman who is making the marriage sexless. Well it turns out that is a wrong assumption. About 20% of all marriages are sexless. And men are as likely as women who make a marriage sexless.

There is a book that I think would help you:

Why Men Stop Having Sex



.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Has your husband's energy level in general gone noticeably down since this started?

What ways has his behavior changed or then the lack of sex?

I agree with the others to get him in for a physical and his T levels checked first.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

If he hasn't looked into testosterone therapy then he's being very selfish. Some day in the future when there's a therapy that will make women more sexual I will say the exact same thing. If we know our partner wants us to be sexually attracted and we also know there's a therapy that makes that happen then that's the only responsible thing to do.

Reconnectlily, currently sex is one of your needs and it's something that he might be able to make a difference in with treatment so he's got to check into it. Otherwise where's your motive to meet his needs.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Thundarr said:


> If he hasn't looked into testosterone therapy then he's being very selfish. Some day in the future when there's a therapy that will make women more sexual I will say the exact same thing. If we know our partner wants us to be sexually attracted and we also know there's a therapy that makes that happen then that's the only responsible thing to do.
> 
> Reconnectlily, currently sex is one of your needs and it's something that he might be able to make a difference in with treatment so he's got to check into it. Otherwise where's your motive to meet his needs.


You're thinking as a guy with normal T levels would think.

Imagine that you don't want sex, don't care that you don't want it, and everything seems like such a big deal and sitting on the couch watching TV seems so good if everyone would just get off your case about it.

Oh, and conflict and planning and doing stuff is scary.

That's pretty much the way it's been described to me.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

marduk said:


> You're thinking as a guy with normal T levels would think.
> 
> Imagine that you don't want sex, don't care that you don't want it, and everything seems like such a big deal and sitting on the couch watching TV seems so good if everyone would just get off your case about it.
> 
> ...


LD women have the same type of feeling, I suppose. They sure don't get much sympathy here on TAM.

He has become a man who does not care enough for his wife to meet her emotional needs. He's become a man who is not a good husband. 

Now I agree that she can make the appointment and get him there. She might need to go in with him to talk to the doctor because no telling if he will actually tell the doc what's going on.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

marduk said:


> You're thinking as a guy with normal T levels would think.
> 
> Imagine that you don't want sex, don't care that you don't want it, and everything seems like such a big deal and sitting on the couch watching TV seems so good if everyone would just get off your case about it.
> 
> ...


No I did think of that Marduk. I imagined the scenario you just pointed out yet still commented as I did. It's closely related to the other thread where we've talked about biology and our ability to be above it sometimes. The thing is, personal accountability and responsibility are very important to me. In my way of thinking, I could be repulsed by the thoughts of sex and I would still feel compelled to seek out treatment that I felt I need to seek out to be a good partner. I believe this because there are things I do for my wife purely because I know it's important to her. I honestly would be happy to never eat out or shop in my entire life yet I do both. It wount be nice if I could go to an endocrinologist to get a shot that would make me enjoy those things but there isn't one. So I do them because my wife is awesome and she does things for me like foreit the big screen TV and football on Saturdays during the season.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> LD women have the same type of feeling, I suppose. They sure don't get much sympathy here on TAM.
> 
> He has become a man who does not care enough for his wife to meet her emotional needs. He's become a man who is not a good husband.
> 
> Now I agree that she can make the appointment and get him there. She might need to go in with him to talk to the doctor because no telling if he will actually tell the doc what's going on.


This is my thoughts as well. LD spouses get toasted at TAM. Sometimes I end up defending them on starfish threads or threads where a guy wants it daily but only gets it 2-3 times per week. In this case though OP is talking about a time or two per year so it's pretty extreme I think. I suspect you agree.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> They sure don't get much sympathy here on TAM.


Point me to a thread where a man asserts that, "Sex is icing on the cake" or "Sex is a reward for good behavior" or "I only want sex once a month - Why should I have it more?" and I'll give him a good shellacking.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ocotillo said:


> Point me to a thread where a man asserts that, "Sex is icing on the cake" or "Sex is a reward for good behavior" or "I only want sex once a month - Why should I have it more?" and I'll give him a good shellacking.


LOL.. do you think any man would come to TAM and say that? Men to don't talk like that.

When men without sex they have other ways of showing the same feeling... that sex with their spouse is not worth the effort, that it's a reward if she jumps through all the hoops he wants, etc. Believe me men do this. I lived it.

A good example is my son's father. For a period of time he would only have sex when I lived up to his expectations (Aka: reward for good behavior). Then after a few years of that he stopped having sex at all because he decided that I could not ever live up to his expectations. He even announced it to me. "I will never have sex with you again." And that's what happened, never again.

Now do you know what he told his friends? He told them that I was a cold fish and did not want sex.. and that's why he became a serial cheater.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

IF he is happy with the status quo, there is only one route through solving this problem. You have to make him choose between fixing this or losing his marriage to you.

Stop blaming yourself for wanting your marriage to be a marriage.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

marduk said:


> Not forceful.
> 
> Structured. Persistant without being naggy.
> 
> ...


I disagree. You make a Drs appt for your little children, put them in the car, take them down and tell the Dr what is wrong not for your husband. That's assuming that he is mentally and physically capable of course. 

Having to almost beg your spouse for sex is demeaning enough she sure as h3ll shouldn't have to go and beg the Dr on his behalf.

He needs to go down and tell the Dr the problem and get himself checked for the sake of his marriage. If the marriage means less to him than going to the Dr then she should move on.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

Reconnectlily said:


> Structured is good. I try not to nag, which is possibly why he hasn't gone in, but I can definitely do structured.


Be forceful. Make sure he knows that if he wants to remain platonic friends then that's cool but platonic friends do not stay married and you will move on and find someone who wants a real marriage.

Instead of nagging make sure he understands that if he doesn't want to make the effort then you'll take that as he doesn't want to remain married, no more excuses accepted. 

But you will have to be prepared to follow through with it.

You are not being selfish or unreasonable. You have a right to be happy in your relationship and when he looked you in the face and said his wedding vows he made a lifetime commitment to be there for you, and that includes intimacy and sexually.

It's hard to explain how soul destroying it is to not be wanted by the one person who said they wanted you more than any other. There are enough people on this board who know what you are going through.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

Reconnectlily said:


> I've thought about leaving, but I don't want to hurt him or our kids.


You won't do them any favors by setting them an example of marriage being two people in the same house who have no affection towards each other. They will use what they learn from you as their example of how they should behave.

It may be hard to believe in the teens but they do see you as a role model. Whether that's a good or bad role model is totally up to you.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

WonkyNinja said:


> I disagree. You make a Drs appt for your little children, put them in the car, take them down and tell the Dr what is wrong not for your husband. That's assuming that he is mentally and physically capable of course.
> 
> Having to almost beg your spouse for sex is demeaning enough she sure as h3ll shouldn't have to go and beg the Dr on his behalf.
> 
> He needs to go down and tell the Dr the problem and get himself checked for the sake of his marriage. If the marriage means less to him than going to the Dr then she should move on.


If it's medical, he may lack the will to do as you suggest. 

Weak, sure, but may not be his fault. 

The way it's been described to me is in a fog where you lack the willpower to do anything that might take effort or to be scary, and it's all over something you don't want anyway. 

Then you start the meds and its like waking up. 

Get it checked. Help him do it. If it's not that, then he's being a poor husband. But assume not until you know.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

OK, pet peeve time.

Testostrone levels are only one of dozens of things. There is way too much medical advertising on TV, radio and newspaper about low T. It is sort of like the new Viagra. 

Yes low T is an issue for some older men. I know because I have low T and am doing HRT. It never manifested itself in sexual performance nor in desire. It did cause weakend bones and loss muscle mass, but neither of those created a "sex problem" for me.

The source of most sex problems within a marriage are caused between the ears.

That being said, instead of focusing on a medical appointment to measure T-levels, have your H get a full baseline medical appointment. At 55 it is a good time to figure out what his baseline is so that at age 60, 65, 70 etc if anything does go seriously wrong, you will have medical data to know if it started way earlier. Tell him you want him to be around for many more years. A full work-up includes kidney, liver, blood, heart and other functions. 

Good luck.


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## Reconnectlily (Feb 17, 2015)

Thank you all for your advice, support and understanding. It gave me the courage to stand up and tell him what needs to happen in order for this to work. He's agreed to a full check up and counseling. Now we'll see if he follows through. He said he doesn't want our relationship to end, and he knows I won't live like this anymore. Here's hoping! I honestly couldn't have done this without all of the input and support I've received here. I truly am grateful.


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## LuvIsTuff (Feb 20, 2015)

Anon Pink said:


> You two spend enough time together?
> You two date, flirt with each other?


"I need my wife to flirt with me and spend quality time in order to get me in the mood for sex" -Said no guy ever


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Need: NO, want: YES
I find sex is more fun with a long build-up.





LuvIsTuff said:


> "I need my wife to flirt with me and spend quality time in order to get me in the mood for sex" -Said no guy ever


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

reconectly ,oh dear , 
you seem a great wife ,
married to a nice guy in front of everybody ; yet he is selfish LD.
godbless your soul; sorry for your suffering.

only those who are deprived sexually knows the pain.

I am on the same thing with my wife ; it is abuse it is very painful
work is a torture , nights are very long and cold ...
god bless your soul ; I don't want to put u down , but its not his T .
If he only cares he would have tried and tried and tried...

he is selfish guy ; unfortunately , he doesnt deserve u .

the poblem is that LD don't feel sex; even if u tell him day and night they will not feel it .


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