# Loving another family



## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I became good platonic friends with a woman at work (yeah, really, lol. . .believe it or not, Scannerguard can have platonic friends). She's been divorced twice and I found myself navigating this world and she's been a real help with emotions and logistics (as you have all been too).

Anyway, she's happily remarried to a wonderful guy. Posts pics all the time on facebook and sent out an x-mas card this year with all of her stepchildren and her children on it.

What amazes me is how she kinda just fell into an almost seamless blending of two families like that. The kids have their bio. parents, and I guess they don't have a good relationship with their bio. .mom, but her kids do with their bio. dad. . .and nothing is ever as seamless as it appears, but in their x-mas card this year, they looked like one big happy family.

Okay, there's a question in here somewhere, lol. . .

I guess it's like I scratch my head at that. I am just not sure I can ever be like a good stepfather to another woman's kids. 

Is this something that is learned? Is it just innate? Is this more a female characteristic (they say women think all kids are cute; men only think THEIR kids are cute, lol).f

I don't know. . .I think about having another family, and I am like, "Ewwww. No! I had a family. Now I don't."

I am always amazed at women's penchant to just move on emotionally as a general rule. I even sense the woman I am with could just "move on". . .once women are done, they are really done, to my amazement. My ex-wife was getting all cozy with the OM's daughter during our separation.

Okay, it just SEEMS that way to me. . . a woman here penned once that there aren't good societal roles for divorced women to fill. . . that men can become "bachelors" again, but women don't really become "bachelorettes". . .is that it? Or am I being my usual sexist self?

I love my kids. So much. I just don't think I could love another set of kids like that. It worries me. . .


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

A lot of step mother are horrid to their step children. There is a tendency for a lot of men and women to try to get rid of their step children. 

I think it's sort of natural... you know like a wolf who become the Alpha will kill the young pups of the previous alpha so he can reproduce with the female as soon as possible. I believe that lions do this as well.


People are all different.. My brother B took in his wife's 3 kids and raised them as his own. I took in my step kids and raised them as my own.

My brother G married a woman who drove away his daughter from a previous marriage.

Everyone is different.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Yeah, I see this as a huge barrier to overcome to having a serious relationship with someone and honestly among other reasons and, it's okay. . .I am content to be alone.

I am just amazed at how two broken families blended like that and how they acccomplished that from an emotional level . .I am sure they've had their problems though.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

I wondered the same thing this year, spent some time with H's family who is all about blended families. I've actually taken a step back and looked at all of it, more than once in the past.

3 brothers, by 3 fathers. 
Brother A - 2 prior marriages, both had kids, then some themselves, is now marrying someone who has 3 kids of her own. Wow. 
Someone pointed out at xmas... we were the only "married" couple in the house. Everyone else was divorced. I wisely said nothing. (yeah, so far anyways)

Almost everyone there point blank asked Brother A -- how are you going to manage blending your previous kids, your ex's kids that you still see, and her 3 kids into the mix? 

Unfortunately, I already see relatives treating the kids differently. 

I think if the family support is all in then family is family and you work it out. 

And I could not figure out how Brother A was supposed to do that, when he lives with 3 new kids, but only gets his other kids half time.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Deejov,

Yeah, that's not to mention things like providing college for my kids (or her kids).

Actually, I wouldn't object to being a "benefactor" to another set of kids. . .throw in "something" for college, but how could I expect my parents to feel that way?

And yeah, there's this woman I am seeing - 1 kid (19 now, so grown) who's a different father, then 2 by her next husband. . .I couldn't keep it straight (because there are overlapping names and stuff) for like 2 months.

Then there's the complication when the ex-husband isn't paying child support. . .and then she doesn't want to confront it for this or that. . .what? I am supposed to provide for these kids too? That's the way I see it evolving. . .she'll feel sorry for him, won't want to see him go to jail, because he's the kids father, so I/we end up stuck.

All this for kids I probably feel ambivalent about (sorry to say)? And she may feel the same way honestly about my kids.

And what about taking care of sick parents, when that happens?

I don't know, maybe I will evolve. . .see kids need something and want to give. I know I am pretty selfish though.

Just honest feelings. . .how my friend was able to make it a go in such a short period of time amazes me.


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## wickederthanyou (Oct 11, 2011)

Ah, the wicked stepmother stereotype AGAIN. It amazes me how ingrained into our culture this is, as far back as Ancient Greece. 

I have experienced this situation form EVERY angle. I have had a stepmother, 2 stepfathers, I am a stepmother, my husband is a stepfather, and my Bio daughter has had 2 different stepmothers. I thought I had a handle on this business, you'd think?

I, in fact, do not. My stepchildren live with us full time, never see their mother, she has not paid one dime of support in almost 5 years. She is clean and sober and working and living a great life on the other side of the country. She has seen them once since they left her trailer in the back of a police car, and that was only this past summer, at her father's house. She constantly leads these kids on, making them think she will move closer and be a part of their lives, but was just showing off her new house to HER OWN DAUGHTER online the other day. 

So guess who gets to do all the work, with none of the respect? Teenagers are hell. Someone else's teenagers are worse. And someone else's teenagers with Mommy issues are like happiness vampires and suck every bit of enegry and give a $hit out of you.

Drive the kids away?? How about the kids breaking up the new marriage? That happens a lot more often.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Given the logistics and dynamics I face, particularly with a special needs child, it is VERY difficult for me to imagine blending two sets of kids.

I love kids ... all kids, but I truly do NOT want any responsibility in raising some other man's children. I can love'm ... don't want to raise'm.

On the flip-side, I do feel ironically fortunate that ex's boyfriend without question loves my kids - and he is childless, so that's a good thing.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I was getting confused between Deejo and Deejov here. it's like Scannerguard and Scannerguarder or something.

You are the guy and deejov is a woman?

Actually this thread did make me do some meditation on this. . .I guess the goal is to just produce a "home" together. . .safe, warm, a haven for the downtrodden I guess. Create rules for the home. . .and so forth.

I guess that's how it works.

No, I didn't subscribe to the Wicked Stepmother typecast at all. . if anything I think it's men like me who are more "wicked" about it. No, of course I wouldn't be wicked, but I am not sure I could develop an affection for another woman's kids. Maybe. . .stranger things have happened.

My ex-gf with no kids really wanted to go to my kids sporting events at one time and I refused and she was devastated. I really wanted that seperation.

It could be that men or women with no kids have an ability to attach better. 

I kind of always thought dating a woman with kids made more sense. . .maybe I was wrong. . .


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Yes ... I have a hoo-hoo-dilly.

Deejov has a cha-cha.


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## wickederthanyou (Oct 11, 2011)

Actually Scanner, I was referring to another post where it stated that many step mothers are horrid to their step children. I think your post showed that you are very thoughtful about the potential ups and downs of the situation. 

I'm probably more frustrated with my own situation than anything.


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