# I can't make up my mind - please help



## alone in love (Nov 10, 2009)

My husband and I have been together for 16 years. I've always been faithful to him and I've always given in to him. He's very controlling in a passive agressive way. He never says "no". But he tells me he doesn't like my friends, or my clothes, or my family, etc. I used to give in for fear of physical violence, but now I give in because if I do something he doesn't like he accuses me of cheating. We have 2 young daughters, and he is a very loving and involved father. As long as I don't do anything out of my ordinary routine and ask his permission for everything we're okay. But there are so many things in life I feel like I'm missing out on. Friends. Family. And most of all - the ability to make my own decisions. I would like to go out, make friends, wear makeup, maybe even buy some nice clothes. And if my husband and I were no longer together, I could do those things. I might NOY do those things, but all I want is the ability to make my OWN decisions without fear. The clothes I wear, the way I drive to work, the people I speak to (you get the idea) is all ruled by my fear of his reaction. He hasn't been physically abusive in 10 years - and the things he says to me are not "abusive" - he just accuses me of cheating an lying. So I get scared and obey him. I'm very timid and I've tried to grow a set of b...lls, but it's not who I am. I'd rather obey than fight. I love my husband very much - I just don't feel much love back. Does anyone have any advice? I hate the thought of my children not having their father around all the time, but I also hate the thought of being scared of this man for the rest of my life. Please HELP


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## Infidelity Rage (Nov 20, 2010)

Hi Alone in Love, 

First of all, know that this is not about you. Your husband has some major issues that need to be addressed by a professional. If you confront him about his thoughts and actions, he will most likely become defensive because of course, "you are cheating". 

You may want to discuss with him how you feel about the marriage and ask if he would be willing to go to marriage counseling. That way, you can express your needs in a neutral, safe environment, where you can get some help as well as him. 

If he is unwilling to go to marriage counseling, then it is up to you to decide whether or not you want to stay in the marriage. I understand completely about having children and not wanting to take time away from their father. You may be able to use that as leverage since he is involved and loving towards them. However, living miserably isn't what you want or need. Good luck.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Yes, you need to communicate to your husband how his behavior makes you feel. He needs to change, and its not possible for him to do it without understanding what its doing to you.

It sounds like he loves you. He is just really bad at knowing how to treat you.


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## alone in love (Nov 10, 2009)

Infidelity - Thank you for your help. I'm just so afraid to talk to him about anything because he just tells me that the problem is ME. And it hurts to hear that and the conversation revolves around all that he says I've done wrong and I apologize for talking about my feelings. And we move on to the next day. Maybe I could ask him to go to counseling as a Christmas present to me. I had an appointment last month and cancelled it because I was too scared to even tell him.
Anx - thank you for your response too. I just don't see how you can read that he loves me from what I wrote. Believe me, I'd be so happy if I thought he loved me. But my feelings and happiness haven't mattered to him in 2 1/2 years. I think he DID love me, even though he was controlling. But I'm not sure anymore. 

I've told him I think he's controlling but he denies it. He doesn't see it that way - he says "too bad" when I tell him that the things he does makes me upset. He has the right to voice his opinion and question anything he wants - but his opinion is always negative and he doesn't believe any of the answers that I give him. So is the problem really me for resenting the constant criticism and questioning?


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## Applepies (Nov 14, 2010)

Have you heard of the book Stop Walking on Eggshells? It's about setting healthy boundaries with controlling people. Might be worth a read.


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## alone in love (Nov 10, 2009)

applepies - I'll look it up right now. Thank you.


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## Applepies (Nov 14, 2010)

Just fyi, your husband probably isn't BPD but the controlling is a trait of it. The defensiveness and put downs are also traits.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

You said he was a loving and involved father. You said you used to feel loved.

To be clear, I think he is treating you terribly. He may still love you, but is currently being a terrible husband.

I think men can be controlling a$$h*les and still deep down love their wifes. I think the only way to bring this out is to make him understand that things need to fundamentally change/counseling or you are leaving. If he loves you, he will strive to change. Some husbands can change.

You can read the post about my current situation. Its somewhat different from yours, but I was controlling, made my wife feel not respected or listened to, etc. It really took my wife saying that I needed to change or she was out for me to understand what was going on. She would also shut down and just go with what I wanted. It was a horrible dynamic. I was a terrible husband. She was also very quite at times. She also didn't communicate HOW unhappy she was for a long time. I knew we were fighting, but not HOW terrible I was making her feel.

I've changed and I hope my wife trusts me soon. I can talk to you more in PMs if you wanted.

Best of Luck.


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## Commited1 (Nov 13, 2009)

alone in love said:


> My husband and I have been together for 16 years. I've always been faithful to him and I've always given in to him. He's very controlling in a passive agressive way. He never says "no". But he tells me he doesn't like my friends, or my clothes, or my family, etc. I used to give in for fear of physical violence, but now I give in because if I do something he doesn't like he accuses me of cheating. We have 2 young daughters, and he is a very loving and involved father. As long as I don't do anything out of my ordinary routine and ask his permission for everything we're okay. But there are so many things in life I feel like I'm missing out on. Friends. Family. And most of all - the ability to make my own decisions. I would like to go out, make friends, wear makeup, maybe even buy some nice clothes. And if my husband and I were no longer together, I could do those things. I might NOY do those things, but all I want is the ability to make my OWN decisions without fear. The clothes I wear, the way I drive to work, the people I speak to (you get the idea) is all ruled by my fear of his reaction. He hasn't been physically abusive in 10 years - and the things he says to me are not "abusive" - he just accuses me of cheating an lying. So I get scared and obey him. I'm very timid and I've tried to grow a set of b...lls, but it's not who I am. I'd rather obey than fight. I love my husband very much - I just don't feel much love back. Does anyone have any advice? I hate the thought of my children not having their father around all the time, but I also hate the thought of being scared of this man for the rest of my life. Please HELP


Reading this almost sounds like something my wife would say. I have never physically abused her and would not, but I am a very aggressive person and am not beyond violence as a solution to problems outside the family. A quick example would be her drug-addicted criminal brother who I only allow to the house a few times a year. They know if he starts showing up all the time I will hurt him and he will go to jail for it because of his record vs mine and because I am on the right side of certain people whom he is on the wrong side of. 

My wife will not come out and say how she feels in the way you just said how you feel. Her solution is to try and make me hate her so I go away or for us to split up. 

I accuse her of cheating and lying and flirting with people online. I should not do that even though I know people try to flirt with her. I don't want her to even work a job or go out with friends, and I only want her to have certain friends. I also do not want her to wear certain clothes and I get mad when she does. I am passive aggressive about it and use guilt to manipulate. That is all a huge part of what I am realizing today and your post here makes that really clear to me. 

Your husband needs to know how you feel and that he is driving you away from him emotionally. At least you are willing to work it out with him. I had to beg my wife today to work things out with me. To at least give me another chance. Just reading your side it sounds like he is blessed to have you, but that won't last forever when you wind up emotionally completely empty and a shell of a person. That is how my wife is becoming. A bit of life sprang back into her when I told her she is free to go, that we would work it out with the kids if we split up. 

She feels she has no choice but to be in this relationship with me and that causes her to not want it. I think she is afraid I will hurt her, or someone if we split up. When I made her know that I wouldn't, she seemed a bit relieved. 

Not sure what you can glean from this that will help you out, but I got a whole lot out of what you just said. 

Thank you.


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## alone in love (Nov 10, 2009)

anx - I accept responsibility for not communicating how I feel. My husband is not a mind reader. You see, he's always been a bit controlling, and I didn't fight it because I knew he loved me and I knew what I was giving up wasn't nearly as important to me as he is. Then he accused me of cheating on him - he hadn't done that in 6 years. Now I feel that I give up everything and get nothing but anger in return. Deep down, I believe if I stand up for myself that he will no longer want to be with me. So I don't take the chance. Thank you for a husband's opinion. I'm going to read about your situation.


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## alone in love (Nov 10, 2009)

Commited1 - I already feel like an empty shell. And when I think about splitting up, a little spark of life comes back in me too. My husband wants me to go to work, but that's it. And like you, he doesn't say "no". Like yesterday - he was going for a haircut, I wanted to go shopping and invited my Mom to go with me. He went off on how I'm not to let my Mom watch the kids while I go off shopping and how I only invite my Mom to be a babysitter. So I didn't go, because after all, who wants to shop after being berated like that? I know in my heart that it's more important for my husband to be RIGHT than to save our marriage. He has always told me that his problems are because of me. 
Let me explain how I got to this conclusion - and ANX I hope you read this too. We moved to a new house 2 years ago. Our dream house, I thought. But after 1 month in our new house he accused me of cheating on him for the last 9 months. I was floored. I never even TALKED to another man. When he didn't find proof, he made up proof. We fought and fought. I begged him to believe me. We went to counseling once. He showed the counselor his "pictures" that he said was me with another man and she told him it looked like the inside of my pocketbook. He said I set him up with the counselor. There couldn't have been pictures because I was never with anyone else. I even offered to pay for a private detective to find out what was in the pictures so he would know that I didn't cheat. He told me to give him the money because he already proved that I DID cheat. So you see, after 18 months of fighting and defending myself I shut down. There was nothing I could do to get him to understand that I would never cheat. He still believes it to this day, because he can't possibly be wrong. I wrote him letters telling him how I loved him and wanted him to stop the accusations so we can have a happy family again. All he saw in those letters was me lying about not cheating. We stayed together and agreed to disagree but this whole "affair thing" is the elephant in the room. Every day I wake up knowing that my husband thinks I'm a lying wh..re. And if I REALLY thought he would see his faults and want to change I would find the courage to talk to him. But he can never be wrong. The things I'm most afraid of is another 2 year fight, or just realizing how little he cares about me. I feel my options are put up or shut up. Or walk away. How do you get someone to accept responsibility for their actions?


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## zsu234 (Oct 25, 2010)

This is salvageable. You need the neutral territory of a counselors office to tell him how you feel. Let him know how perilously close to losing you he is and tell him he needs to open up to you and respect your feelings. A good MC will act as a referee and facilitator. Before you throw in the towel get a good, Competent MC to wake him up.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Go ahead and hire a detective-not for you, for HIM! He is so desperate to prove your infidelity, to the point of inventing it, it makes me wonder: is he trying to accuse you of cheating, so that he won't look so bad when, not IF, he gets busted?
I think it's called projection, I think HE is the one with some 'splainin to do.


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## takris (Sep 22, 2010)

alone in love said:


> Commited1 - I already feel like an empty shell. And when I think about splitting up, a little spark of life comes back in me too. My husband wants me to go to work, but that's it. And like you, he doesn't say "no". Like yesterday - he was going for a haircut, I wanted to go shopping and invited my Mom to go with me. He went off on how I'm not to let my Mom watch the kids while I go off shopping and how I only invite my Mom to be a babysitter. So I didn't go, because after all, who wants to shop after being berated like that? I know in my heart that it's more important for my husband to be RIGHT than to save our marriage. He has always told me that his problems are because of me.
> Let me explain how I got to this conclusion - and ANX I hope you read this too. We moved to a new house 2 years ago. Our dream house, I thought. But after 1 month in our new house he accused me of cheating on him for the last 9 months. I was floored. I never even TALKED to another man. When he didn't find proof, he made up proof. We fought and fought. I begged him to believe me. We went to counseling once. He showed the counselor his "pictures" that he said was me with another man and she told him it looked like the inside of my pocketbook. He said I set him up with the counselor. There couldn't have been pictures because I was never with anyone else. I even offered to pay for a private detective to find out what was in the pictures so he would know that I didn't cheat. He told me to give him the money because he already proved that I DID cheat. So you see, after 18 months of fighting and defending myself I shut down. There was nothing I could do to get him to understand that I would never cheat. He still believes it to this day, because he can't possibly be wrong. I wrote him letters telling him how I loved him and wanted him to stop the accusations so we can have a happy family again. All he saw in those letters was me lying about not cheating. We stayed together and agreed to disagree but this whole "affair thing" is the elephant in the room. Every day I wake up knowing that my husband thinks I'm a lying wh..re. And if I REALLY thought he would see his faults and want to change I would find the courage to talk to him. But he can never be wrong. The things I'm most afraid of is another 2 year fight, or just realizing how little he cares about me. I feel my options are put up or shut up. Or walk away. How do you get someone to accept responsibility for their actions?


This treatment is simply horrendous!! I am so sorry for your situation. I just simply could not understand what kind've mindset would make a guy destroy his wife just because of his own insecurities. And yes, I am an agressive guy. It starts with mutual respect.

I don't think he wants a wife. Not a living, breathing, thinking woman as his equal partner.

Hopefully, you can confront him about your true feelings. Some guys will change only when they realize you are serious. But if no options exist, look up information on what programs are avialable to help you become independent. In my home state, my mother left my step-father and was able to go to nursing school free because the state offered free tuition to community colleges for people in their fifties. I know this probably doesn't apply, but other states offer subsidies for single mothers. 

I know the situation offers few choices, but I really wish the best for you.


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## alone in love (Nov 10, 2009)

Thank you to everyone. I'm so glad that I can vent here. I'm too afraid to have friends, and I won't speak to anyone about this issue for fear of him finding out. It seems that most people that have replied think that my marriage is worth saving. Some days I agree, some days I don't. It struck a nerve when TAKRIS said he doesn't want an equal. SO right. I've never been an equal to him. I can't honestly say that I think he has purposely destroyed my self esteem and happiness. And I don't know if he really believes the things he accuses me of. If he believes the things he accuses me of, the why doesn't he walk out on me? And if he doesn't believe these things, then why does he accuse me of them? I told myself that the next time he accuses me, then I will speak up, and give up on this marriage. But what if he doesn't accuse me again for years? And I'm too chicken to just tell him how I feel and I don't know how to work up the nerve. How do you stop being afraid to speak up? 
F102 - the thought of projection has crossed my mind. When I asked him if he's done anything that was inappropriate he told me I was projecting my infidelity on HIM. Sick, isn't it?

I don't have friends, just my mother and two young children. I work full time. I see my husband at work every day. I have a little mini-farm that I alone take care of. Throw depression and marriage problems in the mix, and that's what I deal with every day. My only chance to speak about what bothers me is here on this forum, and I want to thank everyone for their replies. I don't feel so alone when I read them.


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## takris (Sep 22, 2010)

My wife had a close friend who was in a similar marriage for so long. When she was away from him, she was our children's favorite person in the world. Crazy funny, and alive. We have so many stories of how she made things memorable - alone. With him, she was a shell. He had cheated twice, but convinced her that it was all her fault. We tried unsuccessfully to get her free twice. Finally, after living with us for almost a year, she broke free. This thanksgiving, she spent the holidays with us with her new husband. He treats her like a queen.

I hope that every day when you wake, you can remind yourself of who you are, and that you deserve happiness. Cling to this.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Really, he has sooo many issues. Like one or two other guys who have commented here, he reminds me a lot of myself from not too long ago. For the record, I truly loved my wife, always have, still do, but she eventually left after a series of very real affairs (unlike your not-so-real affair) that she openly admitted to, and I began to see the extent of the damage I had done. Granted, they weren't exactly the same issues, but they were similar.

For me, it took a HUGE wake-up call, that being her leaving me for another man. No she wasn't in love with him, and they broke up a few months later, but he wasn't the issue, she just wanted any excuse to get out. We have a six year old girl and amazingly, prior to her leaving we were actually trying to get pregnant again. As I said though, for me it took a wake-up call, and I hope it doesn't take the same thing for him.

My guess, and this is just a guess, is that he is so certain that he is 100% right, and that your concerns will never cause you to do anything about it, that he is sitting very comfortably right now. He probably puts himself up on a pillar over you as a wonderful husband because he works hard, is a good father, "technically" treats you well (not emotionally, but probably helps out around the house, buys you things, "lets" you do a lot of things you want to do (as if that is his right), etc.) and figures that you aught to consider yourself lucky to have such an awesome husband. I bet his friends (even some of your friends) think he is just great because of everything they see on the outside, yet they have no idea how readily he can dish out the little verbal barbs that hurt so much, how his distrust seethes from his lips at every turn, how his disdainful attitude feels in your home, etc.

Again, I could totally be wrong, but he needs to figure this stuff out. You definitely need to find a GOOD marriage counselor. I would recommend visiting with a few on your own first before entrusting your marriage to him/her. Also, I would suggest a male therapist as well as that might help him respond better. 

My last bit of advice? (for now) Don't give up. People can change, it can take a lot of time, a lot of effort and a lot of heart ache, but don't give up. I don't know if you consider yourself to be a spiritual person or not, but if so, turn to God and let lose your fears and worries on Him. Your husband doesn't sound like a bad man, he sounds like a deeply confused man who has no idea how different women are from men and has no idea what he is doing to his wife every day. He also has no idea how truly loyal you are to be here, feeling the way you do, pouring out your pain and struggle, seeking not to find a way out but rather to find a way in to his heart so that he can see the fruit of his behavior. That is what this is by the way, a behavioral issue, not an issue of love. (again, just my opinion)

Feel free to pm me if you'd like to chat sometime. I've developed a deep desire to share my story and help others whenever I can regarding those experiences and how my own transformation has taken place, and I'd be more than happy to offer you encouragement in this struggle.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

I read your reply, and I think its still salvageable with MC if your husband is open to it. I was open to counseling b/c I had been through PC about 9 years ago for anxiety and mild depression. Your husband would need to be open to it as well. Is MC an option for you two? (i hope it is)

It will take time though. It will take him awhile to see that he wasn't right all the time, then it will take him time to understand what he was doing wrong, and then it will take him time to learn how to do it right. Also, you need to be open to change what he needs, although this may come after serious progress on his side.

I personally don't think I was as bad as the story you told about "the affair". It was hard to read that your husband had treated you like that for so long. We went to counseling about 3 years into our marriage, but if given 10 years, it probably would have been a lot worse. It will be hard for your husband to change, but if he loves you he will.

Also, my wife would tell me that I always needed to be right. Part of it was true. Part of it was the dynamic between us. If i'm the only one talking and she doesn't communicate back/have a rebutal, I really feel in the right. If that builds up over time, it gets ugly.

I think your husband does love you and your children. I think he knows how to love and is able to show love for your children. He sucks at showing you he loves you, a horrible dynamic has built up between you, but still loves you. He probably does think that he is showing love to you by providing and everything else, but also doesn't know how to change they dynamic any more than you do.

I hope you both are open to MC and making it work. If so, stay strong through the heartache. Best of Luck.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Of course he'll deny it and blame it on you. This guy is a manipulative bully, and there is simply NO TALKING SENSE with a bully. The only thing they understand is hard reality served cold.

He OWNS you. He, like so many other abusers, is sweet and kind to everyone, and they are all snowed by him. He is great to the kids, and that is another way to control you. If you do wake up and leave him, then he will get the kids, and everyone else, to label you as the bad guy for leaving such a wonderful H and father.

The guy is an abuser, plain and simple. I really don't think your marriage is worth saving, UNLESS he changes. And I don't think that is likely to happen: he knows he's got it too good.


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