# Reasons you have decided NOT to get a divorce



## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

What are some of the reasons that you great folks have decided that you would NOT get a divorce, even when you know in your heart that you should? 

Did you regret it down the road? Did things improve when you finally just accepted that you would be married you this person?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

1.) I still loved my wife deeply and had a true desire to win her back and save the marriage.
2.) I didn't want to hurt my kids.
3.) While not financial suicide, the financial fall out would have been life changing.
4.) I figured if I could accomplish step one, the others would fall in line.

We fully reconciled and are in a very stable and loving marriage. It was all worth the effort and pain.


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## Maya306 (Oct 14, 2015)

I chose not to get a divorce and reconcile with my husband after his brother passed away. I guess I felt pity for him and wanted to give the marriage one more try. I've always been an optimist. However, he's still selfish and abusive and now I regret giving in to those messy emotions again. Before his brother died, I was to the point where I hated him (the sight of him disgusted me) and was about to file for divorce. Then I developed feelings for him again. I'm really mad at myself now. I thought maybe going through something so awful had changed him, but he's still an a**hole. Now I feel like a fool and I've got to figure out a way to lose the feelings I have for him. We've been together almost 24 years. 24 very miserable years.


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## happy2gether (Dec 6, 2015)

We came close a couple times. My wife had an affair, it opened my eyes to how I had treated her for years and when she saw I actually did love her we reconciled. Society and everyone I know said I should have put her out and filed papers. I could not do it because I love her. We went thru some rough patches during the reconcile and once I did think it was over, but I stuck it out. She got her head and heart in the same place and we have never been happier than we are now.

no this won't work for everyone, but in our case it was because neither of us truly wanted to lose the other. She had some health and mental issues going on that drove almost crazy. Her counselor got her to see that the real reason she did it is she felt she was a burden on me, which of course my general attitude previously had contributed to that even though I never thought she was. Since BOTH of us wanted us to work more than anything else, we have. Had either of us not worked whole heartedly towards fixing our issues then we would be divorced.


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

Thanks for sharing everyone.


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

I notice that a lot of people don't want a divorce because of their kids. I remember when I was growing up and my mom and dad were fighting a lot and things got so bad. The tension in the house was so bad and everyone avoided each other and I had to walk on thin ice with everything with both parents because they were always on edge. Me and my siblings were so unhappy. We didn't want our parents to split up but when they finally did things got so much better. We got to still have a relationship with both parents and the tension was gone.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

At first I thought it was my fault things were bad, so I tried to figure out what I did or was doing wrong. When she got pregnant (after the doc said it was impossible), I decided divorce was not an option. I didn't want some other man raising my child, and I'd heard the horror stories of step-dads molesting girls.

Do I regret it? Yes and no. If I had left, I wouldn't have had the other great kids after the first. But, I would have been a lot happier if I had left. Also, my wife never would have had another man in the house after a divorce out of fear of molestation. I did not know it until recently, but she was sexually abused as a young girl. Thus my major fear way back then would never have come to pass.

In more recent years I stayed when my daughters were teens. There was a lot of normal drama, and I believed it would be quite hard on them if I left at that time. I do not regret staying then.

The past few years I've been thinking about it pretty much every day. Money is the primary reason to try to work it out.


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

Thor said:


> At first I thought it was my fault things were bad, so I tried to figure out what I did or was doing wrong. When she got pregnant (after the doc said it was impossible), I decided divorce was not an option. I didn't want some other man raising my child, and I'd heard the horror stories of step-dads molesting girls.
> 
> Do I regret it? Yes and no. If I had left, I wouldn't have had the other great kids after the first. But, I would have been a lot happier if I had left. Also, my wife never would have had another man in the house after a divorce out of fear of molestation. I did not know it until recently, but she was sexually abused as a young girl. Thus my major fear way back then would never have come to pass.
> 
> ...


Your story is interesting because when you hear of reasons why people decided not to get a divorce, I would think of reconciliation. But it sounds like you still want to, but different things keep holding you back. Does she know you are unhappy and this is the end goal for you? You deserve to be happy too.


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## knobcreek (Nov 18, 2015)

1. My kids, I don't want any other man involved in their care or influencing them in their youth. Everything we are is built as children, I don't trust any man to play caregiver to my kids. This is definitely the #1 reason by a long shot.

2. Fear of being alone.

3. Money, I don't want to be broke

4. Still love her, but love isn't everything


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

knobcreek said:


> 2. Fear of being alone.


I agree. It's so easy to find fault with a spouse but if you really think about leaving them...it's terrifying. I'll never leave.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Because somewhere in our mess was the boy I once was, and the girl she once was, not the bitter, distanced shrews we had become.

We both took a chance, and we managed to find those people again. 

It scares me now to think how close I was to ending it. 

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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Ol'Pal said:


> What are some of the reasons that you great folks have decided that you would NOT get a divorce, even when you know in your heart that you should?
> 
> Did you regret it down the road? Did things improve when you finally just accepted that you would be married you this person?


Ol'Pal, it's risky and normally catastrophic to disregard your own intuition. Okay, successful reconciliation can happen but false reconciliation happens a lot more often and that's when people really believe they should stay married. It must be very rare for someone to feel in their heart that they should divorce and then the marriage actually work out. Very rare.

You'll be better served by explaining your situation and why you're considering divorce if that's the case. Otherwise you're going to hear lots of information pertaining to completely different scenarios than your own which is most likely not relevant to you.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

DanielleBennett said:


> Your story is interesting because when you hear of reasons why people decided not to get a divorce, I would think of reconciliation. But it sounds like you still want to, but different things keep holding you back. Does she know you are unhappy and this is the end goal for you? You deserve to be happy too.


My end goal is to have a happy marriage, not divorce. She knows this, and she knows I am unhappy. We've discussed divorce several times over the years, and with a few of the deception events in the past few years she knows she crossed a nuclear boundary. Until this past summer I thought things were changeable, but now I don't think so. We used to be quite compatible but lacking in sex. Now we're quite different in our needs in the relationship.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

1. Money - even though she thinks we have a machine that makes money, it would still hurt financially
2. Kids - I'm not worried about another man. I'm more worried about not being there every day. 
3. Friends - we have a lot of mutual friends and my fear is that they'd all disown me if I divorced her. 

I don't like being with her most of the time so I should think about it, but not ready to make that leap.


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## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

I'm struggling to find one reason not to go through with it???? Oh, yeah I haven't got long left and I will be free!


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## CallMeIshmael (Dec 21, 2015)

farsidejunky said:


> Because somewhere in our mess was the boy I once was, and the girl she once was, not the bitter, distanced shrews we had become.
> 
> We both took a chance, and we managed to find those people again.
> 
> It scares me now to think how close I was to ending it.


This is an arresting post. - thank you. 

How did you decide to take those chances, individually and together?

What steps did you take, individually and together? 

How did you find those people again?

I would hate to say it about either my spouse or myself, but "bitter, distanced shrews" might be frighteningly accurate and I think we've been reinforcing those characters for a lot longer than you had. 

We've been married 35 years. We haven't had any physical intimacy at all in at least ten, possibly 15, years. On the plus side, we have two adult kids, 28 and 25, who are two of the most amazing people I've ever met (which my wife can probably take the greater part of the credit for). If only for that reason, it would be hard to call our marriage a failure. But our marriage hasn't had any emotional content at all for years and the rationales for it feel like they are getting very thin. 

Most of the time I can't envision any path out of the hole we've dug and quite often recently I am not sure that I even feel like taking risks and trying. (Yes, I know things won't get anywhere without doing both.) Self-honesty is often elusive but I think I am fundamentally an optimist. I came across this thread via Google because I guess part of me hasn't quite given up, and your post struck some sort of chord. I'd really appreciate any thoughts, suggestions, or anecdotes from your own journey.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

farsidejunky said:


> Because somewhere in our mess was the boy I once was, and the girl she once was, not the bitter, distanced shrews we had become.
> 
> We both took a chance, and we managed to find those people again.
> 
> It scares me now to think how close I was to ending it.


This.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Ol'Pal said:


> What are some of the reasons that you great folks have decided that you would NOT get a divorce, even when you know in your heart that you should?
> 
> Did you regret it down the road? Did things improve when you finally just accepted that you would be married you this person?


*Preeminently, because of such things like the consideration of joint marital finances, the feelings of their kids and quite possibly, other relatives! And quite possibly their church!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

CallMeIshmael said:


> This is an arresting post. - thank you.
> 
> How did you decide to take those chances, individually and together?
> 
> ...


CM:

I have a marathon thread that encompasses most of 2014 and our journey.

I neglected her for several years due to career stress and her being just a bit crazy (aren't we all). She started rejecting me for sex, did not respect me, and treated me terribly. And I deserved it, as I buried myself in alcohol, porn and escapism. 

After enough rejection, I found my way here. Some fine posters started by carrying me through how to improve things with her by improving myself first. I quit drinking and porn. I read relentlessly in several self improvement books. I focused on becoming a better, stronger man.

I put her on notice that I would no longer accept a relationship devoid of intimacy. She resisted fiercely at first, but then started to warm to me. We remembered how to laugh together again; that we were once really into each other.

We worked through our problems in both MC and IC. It was not easy, and it really took the until spring this year (nearly 18 months total) to really get where we are now.

Now we are better than ever. We are not without problems, but we are typically so into each other that the problems just seem...smaller if that makes sense.

Intimacy, both emotional and physical, is regular. We both feel valued and try to please each other. 

But the catalyst was her lack of respect and intimacy, me deciding it was deserved, then cleaning up my side of the street as many here say.

If you have not done so already, start a thread. There are some amazing people here, and they (we) could possibly help you as well. 

I wish you the best.

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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Interesting thread. 
The reasons that stand out for me from those who posted are
1) children
2) money
3) fear of being alone

Funny, or maybe not, but the root of each of these is basically fear. 
I know that when I really get down to root causes of my divorce, it was fear that drove almost every issue. More specifically refusal to face those fears, which led to my unhappiness (and hers as well). So fear breaks up marriages and also keeps some together. Very interesting given that marriage is supposed to be about love, trust and commitment, all of which should transcend fear.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Ynot said:


> Interesting thread.
> The reasons that stand out for me from those who posted are
> 1) children
> 2) money
> ...


It can and does, Ynot.

With as entangled in emotions relationships become, it is impossible to not have fear somehow in the mix.

When it comes down to it, what is love really? Love is wanting something deeply. Any risk to that creates fear.



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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> It can and does, Ynot.
> 
> With as entangled in emotions relationships become, it is impossible to not have fear somehow in the mix.
> 
> ...


If your love involves control, that would be true.

I think some people love without control, without fear. They just love purely.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

jld said:


> If your love involves control, that would be true.
> 
> I think some people love without control, without fear. They just love purely.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Just so I understand it clearly, are you saying that the only way fear enters into love is if there is controlling?

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## CallMeIshmael (Dec 21, 2015)

farsidejunky said:


> CM:
> 
> Now we are better than ever. We are not without problems, but we are typically so into each other that the problems just seem...smaller if that makes sense.


It makes sense - perfect sense.  I remember a pastor saying, when I was in college, that people used to come to his father (also a pastor) and say "Pastor, I am leaving to find the perfect church." He would say (or so the anecdote went) "When you have found it, please come back and let me know - I will join it with you. But alas, when we have joined it, it will no longer be the perfect church!" A nice point, i have always thought.



farsidejunky said:


> CM:
> 
> If you have not done so already, start a thread. There are some amazing people here, and they (we) could possibly help you as well.


Well, I typed something up but Word reports that it is in excess of 2500 words.  I guess I have a lot on my mind... 



farsidejunky said:


> Just so I understand it clearly, are you saying that the only way fear enters into love is if there is controlling?


I agree that I don't think control and fear necessarily go together, or that love and fear are mutually exclusive. At least for me, love involves risk and risk involves fear. 

In other parts of life, I can tell you that fear and bravery frequently go together. There is no great virtue in being fearless. Virtue lies in how you confront, manage and master the fear that is there.


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## CallMeIshmael (Dec 21, 2015)

So, as a follow-up, feeling like I'm lacking clarity a bit, I just cleaned the bathrooms, which is even harder than you'd think because my 50s have not been good to my back.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

"I agree that I don't think control and fear necessarily go together, or that love and fear are mutually exclusive. At least for me, love involves risk and risk involves fear. 

In other parts of life, I can tell you that fear and bravery frequently go together. There is no great virtue in being fearless. Virtue lies in how you confront, manage and master the fear that is there."

Wow! Brilliant! dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

CM:

Let me know when that 2500 word behemoth makes it to TAM. If it is half as intriguing as your posts here, I am sure it will be an interesting read.

ETA: The single best thing we started in our rekindling was our nightly thanks and prayers. Each night, at bedtime, we take turns thanking each other for the things we did for each other. After that, we pray together. No matter how mad we may be at each other, we still do it. 

It is the single most powerful thing we do. The thanks builds gratitude and mutual respect. And it is hard to remain mad at your partner after you have just finished humbling yourselves together to your creator.

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## Hope Shimmers (Jul 10, 2015)

I waited 17 years to divorce him despite the emotional abuse. Despite my family and friends witnessing (a small portion of) it and begging me to end it. I couldn't reconcile with myself that it wasn't somehow my fault. That there wasn't something I could do to fix it. 

The end came when it finally became physical. Funny - the next days I could look in the mirror and see my face and see the evidence of it. But for some reason, I could not see the much more damaging 17 years of emotional crap that came before it, although that's what really beat me down. The physical stuff heals. The emotional stuff never does.


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## CallMeIshmael (Dec 21, 2015)

farsidejunky said:


> CM:
> 
> Let me know when that 2500 word behemoth makes it to TAM. If it is half as intriguing as your posts here, I am sure it will be an interesting read.
> 
> ...


It is very dark. I think it would freak some people out.  I also realized last night that it's only a single point. It's how I was feeling yesterday morning. I felt differently, for better and for worse, last night, and again this morning. I will post a couple of on-topic replies below, separately for easier reading and response.

I guess all I can say to the second point is amen, which is the right thing to say. We are both believers but have let that link between us weaken as well. That should be addressed. At least I know (or in the spirit of an open forum, I will say: I believe) that there is a much greater power and much greater patience and forgiveness behind that one.


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## CallMeIshmael (Dec 21, 2015)

To try to respond to the question in the original post: what are the reasons that we are not divorced?

Probably for much of the last 28 years it was an unspoken mutual desire not to disrupt the boys’ childhoods. In case it isn’t blazingly obvious, we didn’t do a very good job in at least one area. I would say that it would have been better to provide a good example of a marriage built not just on cooperation and courtesy but, by deep and open affection. (My wife might disagree with that, by the way.)

At this point, though, that’s no longer a factor and hasn’t been for several years because they’ve both graduated from college and are living on their own.

So, in spite of what I wrote above, what holds me back? In no particular order – 

-	Good memories, in spite of all our peevish and resentful behavior to each other.
-	The fact that in spite of all of that, I think there is still a sense of affection and respect between us, even if (as far as I can tell) it isn’t particularly warm. (Actually, it long ago reached room temperature.)
-	A sense that as long as I’m staying and trying, I’m in control of at least my part of the relationship. I can always decide to stop trying, of course, but the point is that it is in my power to give it another try, another day – even if sometimes it takes a little while to get focused on that point and make the decision.
-	A related belief that it is in my power to ignore the hurts that I feel. I do have the power to let them go, as long as I am willing to do so.
-	Yet another related belief that it is in my power to try to break down the Great Wall of China that we’ve built between ourselves and try to chip through some of the automatic flooding shut-down responses we both have*
-	A conviction that it’s awfully easy to confuse how things are today with how things they’re going to be tomorrow. Current locations are not the same as ultimate destinations. 
-	The promises we made. It sounds limp in today’s society but even if we can talk ourselves out of promises the idea deserves a lot of scrutiny, not to be taken lightly.
-	The awareness that I am, let’s say for rough math, at least 50% responsible for the problems. (Could easily be well over 50%, btw.) So, in fairness, I should try to solve that 50% before I give up, and try pretty hard. And I need to remind myself that, if I do decide that our marriage is just never going to work, I will take at least 50% of the problems with me wherever I go, so a change of venue or partners offers absolutely no guarantee that things will work better with anyone else.

So today I will decide, as a conscious decision rather than just drifting along, that I will try again. No ultimatum, no demands, no quid quo pro. 

Am I a chump, a dupe or a dope? I don’t think so. If I am, it’s my own, conscious decision. I am still in control of what I am doing. I can take a risk, if I chose to do so. Not every investment returns a profit. Indeed, on some, you don’t even get your principal back. 

Better to light a candle than curse the darkness. Will it stay lit? Who knows. I do know that there’s only one way to find out…

It’s also important to say that there has never been any hint of physical threat or endangering in our relationship – I will say that confidently for both of us. There isn’t any intentional, consistent emotional abuse, either, at least not in my non-professional estimation. Those would change the math a lot.

* That’s why I cleaned the bathrooms last night. My wife makes comments at least a couple of times a month that indicate that this stresses her out. I should be able to do that. It’s a reach-out across the void.


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## CallMeIshmael (Dec 21, 2015)

So here is a completely different version of some of what I wrote above. I’ll explain why I am going to say these things this way at the bottom of this post.

Why am I not throwing in the towel, why do I not want to throw in the towel? Well, as I said above, I may be a dupe, a dope or a chump – I’m fine taking that risk, by the way – but part of why I want to stick around and try harder/again is because there is history and a bond between us. I want to get back to that. Some time soon I want to roll over onto my wife and have her guide me into her with real desire. 

I want to growl into her ear and tell her that after all these years and all we’ve been through she is still the one. I want to tell her that I still think she’s a smart, fun, witty and talented person and she’s a hot f*cking b*tch. I want to f*ck her until she screams so loud that the neighbors call the cops. 

I want to tell her that after all this she’s still the only one I want to f*ck…that f*cking her is not just scratching an itch…that it makes me part of a greater whole and she is the only one I can do that with. I will tell her that I want to empty not just my rocks but my soul into her hot sweaty c*nt and die in her arms. And when we’ve recovered I want to tell her to smother me with her t*ts or sit on my face, whichever, I’m not fussy as long it’s her.

So why am I writing this post, and why am I writing a response this way? Not to provide reading amusement. I’m writing this because, as an answer to the thread, some crazy part of me still believes, in spite of all current conditions. Believes in her, me, us (and with a tip of the hat to FarSide, God). I am writing this because I believe in the power of the words that we speak or write, for good or ill, and I believe that writing this down can help turn aspirations into accomplishments, poverty into riches and brokenness into wholeness.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

You have detailed your current situation, and some platitudes about how you arrived here.

When did it start? How did it happen?

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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

CallMeIshmael said:


> To try to respond to the question in the original post: what are the reasons that we are not divorced?
> 
> Probably for much of the last 28 years it was an unspoken mutual desire not to disrupt the boys’ childhoods. In case it isn’t blazingly obvious, we didn’t do a very good job in at least one area. I would say that it would have been better to provide a good example of a marriage built not just on cooperation and courtesy but, by deep and open affection. (My wife might disagree with that, by the way.)
> 
> ...


Why is there a Great Wall of China? I'm in your same boat, but thinking a change of venue(not a partner) may be in order...It seems eerily similar..DUDE


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

farsidejunky said:


> It can and does, Ynot.
> 
> With as entangled in emotions relationships become, it is impossible to not have fear somehow in the mix.
> 
> ...


Actually I think love involves moving beyond fear to accepting the risk. Most of the posts on this thread have dealt with reverting to fear or perhaps never really moving beyond the fear to a truly loving relationship. This last thing may not even be possible for most people. I know I never really let go of the fear. I was afraid to be by myself, I was afraid I would lose her love, I was afraid for my children. Some of that was on me, some of that was on her. 
I am trying to move beyond living my life in fear and moving onto love. Maybe I am being idealistic, but from where I sit today, fear and love are two different things.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

knobcreek said:


> 2. Fear of being alone.


But for many of us, we were already "alone".

For me it was

1 - Embarrassment. We had been together a long time and people pointed to us as an ideal couple. My parents would gush to friends how long we had been married. They were older and it would have hurt them so much.

2 - Financial. As someone else mentioned for them it wouldn't be disaster but life changing. For me it would have been disaster.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Chris Taylor said:


> But for many of us, we were already "alone".


Amen Brother!!! DUDE


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

edit


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## knobcreek (Nov 18, 2015)

Chris Taylor said:


> 1 - Embarrassment. We had been together a long time and people pointed to us as an ideal couple. My parents would gush to friends how long we had been married. They were older and it would have hurt them so much.


I get staying together for your kids, but staying together for your geriatric parents? I don't mean to minimize your personal reasons but this one seems like a first to me.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> Just so I understand it clearly, are you saying that the only way fear enters into love is if there is controlling?
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


"Perfect love casts out all fear."


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Ynot said:


> Actually I think love involves moving beyond fear to accepting the risk. Most of the posts on this thread have dealt with reverting to fear or perhaps never really moving beyond the fear to a truly loving relationship. This last thing may not even be possible for most people. I know I never really let go of the fear. I was afraid to be by myself, I was afraid I would lose her love, I was afraid for my children. Some of that was on me, some of that was on her.
> I am trying to move beyond living my life in fear and moving onto love. Maybe I am being idealistic, but from where I sit today, fear and love are two different things.


Acceptance is acknowledgement, not elimination.

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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

jld said:


> "Perfect love casts out all fear."
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Show me one thing on this earth that is perfect and I will agree with you.

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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> Show me one thing on this earth that is perfect and I will agree with you.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


You don't have to agree with _me_, far. _I_ didn't write it. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I am teasing you a little there, far. But have you never loved someone so purely that you did not care if the love were returned or not? You just loved, because you could not stop yourself from loving?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

Chris Taylor said:


> But for many of us, we were already "alone".
> 
> For me it was
> 
> ...


Totally understand this - for the first point, this also applies to friends. We have mutual friends that we see a lot, and they gush over us and our kids. 

Money is already a disaster due to her thinking that we can just keep spending money because we both work and her allowing her sister to view us as a trust fund. Divorce may actually help in that regard, but would still be rough financially.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

jld said:


> I am teasing you a little there, far. But have you never loved someone so purely that you did not care if the love were returned or not? You just loved, because you could not stop yourself from loving?


I'd imagine that's how most folks love their children.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

jld said:


> I am teasing you a little there, far. But have you never loved someone so purely that you did not care if the love were returned or not? You just loved, because you could not stop yourself from loving?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I did. It was not reciprocated. Therefore, I had to move on, because I know I can't allow myself to dwell on loving one that does not reciprocate.

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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> I'd imagine that's how most folks love their children.


Exactly.

I think it is also how my husband loves me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> I did. It was not reciprocated. Therefore, I had to move on, because I know I can't allow myself to dwell on loving one that does not reciprocate.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


I am sure that was very painful, far.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

jld said:


> I am sure that was very painful, far.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes. But necessary. 

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> Yes. But necessary.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


Was it your first wife, far?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

jld said:


> Exactly.
> 
> I think it is also how my husband loves me.


I agree.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

jld said:


> Was it your first wife, far?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My first love. None have hurt as much as that one.

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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> My first love. None have hurt as much as that one.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


There are great lessons in heartbreak, far. As you well know.

I still hope some can overcome that fear and love purely, though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CallMeIshmael (Dec 21, 2015)

Dude007 said:


> Why is there a Great Wall of China? I'm in your same boat, but thinking a change of venue(not a partner) may be in order...It seems eerily similar..DUDE





farsidejunky said:


> You have detailed your current situation, and some platitudes about how you arrived here.
> 
> When did it start? How did it happen?
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


In a nutshell, I think we always spoke different languages but didn't appreciate the significance when we were dating. So "hearing" was always a challenge.

Over the years, under the pressures of jobs and kids, at least one of us didn't listen as carefully as he should have, which makes "hearing" harder. 

That led to defensiveness, resentment and emotional shut-down/isolation. That's what I think of as the Great Wall. It's hard to imagine that that isn't common?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

CallMeIshmael said:


> In a nutshell, I think we always spoke different languages but didn't appreciate the significance when we were dating. So "hearing" was always a challenge.
> 
> Over the years, under the pressures of jobs and kids, at least one of us didn't listen as carefully as he should have, which makes "hearing" harder.
> 
> That led to defensiveness, resentment and emotional shut-down/isolation. That's what I think of as the Great Wall. It's hard to imagine that that isn't common?


It is. I was guilty of that as well.

The business of life sometimes leads to us prioritizing the wrong things.

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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

CallMeIshmael said:


> In a nutshell, I think we always spoke different languages but didn't appreciate the significance when we were dating. So "hearing" was always a challenge.
> 
> Over the years, under the pressures of jobs and kids, at least one of us didn't listen as carefully as he should have, which makes "hearing" harder.
> 
> That led to defensiveness, resentment and emotional shut-down/isolation. That's what I think of as the Great Wall. It's hard to imagine that that isn't common?


I think you'll like the song "A Better Place" by Craig Carothers.
https://youtu.be/XkWVOErkKGg

"But somewhere in our history
We got on different paths.
Until only Slings and Arrows
Get across the gap"

He talks about the sadness of a relationship ending without resolving their differences peaceably even though they were obviously incompatible together.

You have to try until you believe you've done all you can. I think many of us stay too long even when it is obvious to others that the relationship is not fixable.


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## moo (Nov 22, 2010)

My wedding vows keep me here. We have grown in different directions. (I grow up and he is still stuck at 25).


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

Thor said:


> My end goal is to have a happy marriage, not divorce. She knows this, and she knows I am unhappy. We've discussed divorce several times over the years, and with a few of the deception events in the past few years she knows she crossed a nuclear boundary. Until this past summer I thought things were changeable, but now I don't think so. We used to be quite compatible but lacking in sex. Now we're quite different in our needs in the relationship.


I see what you mean. I rather not get divorced either and have a happy marriage, but it takes two people to achieve that and sometimes it just doesn't work out.


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