# In House secret Divorce??



## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

My hubby announced to me yesterday that he 'still' wanted to move out. I was shocked and stunned, he had been telling me for months that he thought things were going really well, we were getting back together. We talked about future plans etc. 

Well, it seems now he doesn't have a move out date. He doesn't want to leave me 'high and dry' by just up and leaving (he pays 1/3 of the bills) 

He wants to remain friends. In fact he said he felt he was sacrificing the relationship to keep our friendship. :scratchhead:

He says he doesn't mind sleeping in our bed together. In fact, after his announcment yesterday, he was more affectionate and nicer to me than he has been in over a year. I could tell he was finally being honest with me, and he seemed comfortable talking to me for the first time in a long time. After I got over the shock and tears, we had a long companionable walk and a long talk. He held me last night, and when I got up in the middle of the night he even got up with me and sat with me. 

Now that he's dumped me, he's finally acting like the husband I wished for all along. I'm SOOOO confused! 

He said we would have to work out the logistics of him moving out. We have not discussed the baby, money, visitation or anything like that. We only have the two cars right now, both in his name. He realizes that is also a barrier to him leaving. 

In the mean time, he didn't want to tell the kids till he was ready to move out (thought it would be too hard on them). Same with his friends and family. He thought that 'putting on an air of normalcy' would ease the transition for everybody. 

He says there isn't anyone else. I don't suspect an affair. 
He says he needs to live by himself and work out his commitment issues, even going to therapy. He says he also has unresolved issues regarding his mom (who just passed away recently) to work thru before he's ready for a relationship. 

I suggested he could go to therapy now, and we could try to find a way to pay for it, but he didn't seem very keen on that idea. 

I asked him if he wanted me to wait for him if he moved out so he has some time to get himself together. He said "I don't think it would be fair of me to ask you to wait."

So. We are to play house, pretend that everything is ok, but with the understanding that he will be moving out sometime in the near future. 

Has anybody else gone thru this? WTF???? :scratchhead:

One of the questions we picked up last night while we were talking came from a website. it was: 

Q: Which of the following statements BEST describes how you feel about the future of your relationship?


 I don't really want a future in this relationship so I don't even think like that.
If we could just get through this rough patch things could be great again.
I don't know about the future but I do want my steady in it somehow.

he picked 1 AND 2. again, WTF?

I cannot honestly tell if this is just 'him' or he's feeling sorry for me, or he doesn't really want to end this or WHAT. 

I really do appreciate we are now able to talk, but WTF is this man thinking????

A secret divorce for an unknown period of time? The way he puts things off he might be here for years... ARGHHHH.


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## Earthmother1970 (Oct 10, 2008)

Snix11, 
If he really wants to go, then kick his a*se to the curb as soon as possible...find a way to make it happen, give him a time limit, arrange it yourself if you have to do so...because I think otherwise you are right...there is every chance that he will just be hanging around your house for an indefinite period, and it will just make you miserable, give you false hopes, and leave you living in an unbearable limbo existance until he makes the decision to leave...don't give him that power over you.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Thanks guys. I was just wondering if anybody else had gone thru what he terms as an "amicable parting of ways"

I'm working on the finances thing myself as he doesn't seem to be. I'm putting the house up for sale (who knows when it might sell) and getting a third job this week. 

Last night he was a snuggly in bed again. Talk about mixed signals. 
It's like now that he's decided to leave he can finally be nice to me? 

I was just wondering if anybody else had experienced this or if it was just me. 

Sereniti - We have been together three years. Common law married in Texas. He tells people in public we are married but tells the kids we are just friends. Asked me to marry him last year. I accepted. He asked me to set a date. When I did, he rescinded his offer of marriage (I didn't get the memo) with a "you can't really expect us to marry NOW, can you?" 

This was one of our biggest areas of argument (as you might understand)


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

He said yesterday he thought we were still 'married' and wouldn't be 'divorced' till he moved out. he asked me if we needed some kind of 'formal document' in order for me to feel closure on things. 

I did let him know that his 'I don't want this to get ugly' is going to depend on his actions. He moves out and brings over a gf, this are gonna get ugly. 

He moves out to find himself, it will just depend.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

sigh. he called at 6pm to tell me he just got my voice mails from earlier. Right. Then he said he still had another job to do. I noticed he hasn't deposited his check from last week (we need it to pay utilities)

I don't know if he is hoarding money for his get away or if he just forgot. But I'm keeping track of his 'long' hours this week. 

Hrumph.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Mr I want out was SOOOO nice to me yesterday. almost loving. I haven't said anything about anything personal. Just figured I'd keep quiet and see what happens. 

Then he got up at 4am because he couldn't sleep. He keeps turning off the screen when i come by, so i figure it's either porn or some girl. whatever.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Snix11 talk about mixed signals! 

Sorry to hear about your rough time. I am currently going through a simliar situation after 24 years of marriage. He wants to walk away amicably as well...so do I. He put the "I love you but no longer in love with you" whammy on me. 

The best thing that I can say, when you are in limbo land waiting for HIM to make a move is.....to make YOUR move. Figure out how you will live/get by (fnances and living arrangement). The tough love approach is something I am going through right now. Moving forward with MY plans. I want our marriage to work but I can't do it alone.

My husband is also snuggly/affectionate after releasing the bad news. It is like a pressure cooker when the pressure gets relieved.


By the way....I see you are in S.A. call the local university/colleges in the area and speak to the counseling/psychology dept. often they have connections to free counseling in the area where their interns work.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Mr. Mixed Signals (MS) was very nice again last night. I got home late after my Dr.'s appointment and running errands. He gave me a longer than usual hug, talked with me for about an hour about his work and such. 

Asked me to rub his back and then was 'snuggly' with his feet. 
The baby woke up and I brought him to bed this morning at 6. When he got out of bed to go to work, he looked at me, then leaned over and gave the baby this most loving kiss. What was that all about? well, whatever. 

This is the guy that wants to move out?


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

I went the doc yesterday. He was really nice. Gave me some free samples of some BP meds, didn't charge me for the office visit, just the lab work. He wants me to come in for more tests, but they will have to wait till i can afford them.

Also gave me a script for some happy pills that woke me up at 3am.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Snix,

I posted on a different one of your threads earlier but had not read this one first. It was the one about living with a zombie. Forget some of what I said on there since he says he wants to move out.

Unlike your H I would only answer #2 to the question above. Obviously he is confused but at least he has opened up to you about things. But I agree with CorpusWife that you have to keep yourself moving forward for you. That is how I'm getting out of my funk. The realization of being in a funk came from my W (albeit after she kept trying to for a good while) when she said enough I'm living my life (not in a mean or seperate way). That shocked me out of it. Sounds like he is no longer a zombie so that is a start. Show him you can be happy with or without him and he will probably come around but don't wait on him. You will only resent him more if you do that. I know it is hard, but you'll end up happy no matter what.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

I do want to move on, I really do. I want to date, I want to have sex, I want to be admired and loved and romanced. Preferably by him, but in the absence of him doing anything for me, I'd like to move on and find someone who would. 

But how the heck am I ever going to do that with him living here?

I've lost another 10lbs and celebrated by going out and getting this totally sexy little dress. And now I don't have anyone to wear it for! Hrumph.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Why do you need to have someone to wear it for? Call some friends, put it on and go out. Be admired by others.

But don't go getting it on with someone else if "preferably with him" is still your first choice. I would imagine it would tear you up later.

A question. Do you feel any resentment towards him for being a zombie?


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Unfortunately all the friends I know here are his. I have several acquaintances, but they are all male. The one female friend I know lives 100 miles from here. 

I got invited to go hiking this evening, but again, it's a male acquaintance. I don't have a problem with it, I doubt hubby would either - it's just I feel weird under the circumstances. And no, I wouldn't wear the dress hiking 

Resentment? Well... I've felt anger, resentment, sadness, hopeless, panic, etc. At the moment if I feel resentment it's so far under the confusion and depression it's hard to tell if or how much resentment I feel. Mostly right now I feel confused and depressed. I ignore the confusion and I'm working long hours to combat the depression.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Go hiking and just have fun - but not too much fun. I realize its weird, but that is part of showing him you can be happy without him. I'm not talking about happy with the other guy, just happy with yourself.

I bet my wife had a lot of those feelings too. Makes me ashamed to have been so blinded. But it did take two to tango to get to that point, but I shoulder the most blame.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Hubby (or whatever he is) suggested going out this evening to shoot the new pistols and to get a birthday present for the six yr old. He's napping now, having gotten off work early. 

So much for hiking today. Maybe tomorrow.


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