# I never saw this one coming



## howdoyouknow? (Feb 2, 2012)

Ok so I have been with my husband for 14 years, married for 10 and we have 3 gorgeous boys together who are almost 13, 4 and 16 months. I am just 33 and he is just 38. Now like all couples we have had our ups and downs but always come threw them. Just over a month ago my husband came home and told me he had handed in a rental application and was leaving. We had had a fight over the phone but he told me he would come home to discuss it with me after work. He was later than uusal so I knew something was up. So obviously when he told me he had applied for a rental I was devastated and was like ok this is really over. So we tell our eldest son who is also as devasted as me and then my husband collects his stuff and leaves. He says he will stay in a hotel until he has a place to live. I feel so sick when he leaves. I just can't believe it. The next day I decide I have to tell my family. I tell them and to my surprise they are so supportive of me. I was raised strict catholic so divorice is not an option in my parents eyes but they supported me 120%. So a few days go past and I have decided I can't stay in the family home too many memories and I need to move out so I decided to move into one of my brothers vacant houses. As soon as my husband realises I am moving, about 30 mins away from him he seemed different. He seemed sad of his decision. He comes over and tells me he wants us to be seperated but not see other people, which to be honest is the furthest thing from my mind but I was thinking is he serious???? So we have a chat and I agree to stay faithful to him for 3 months and then we will see where we are at. Now things have changed dramatically. He is texting me and emailing me constantly. He is flirting with me and asking me if he can take me out on dates. I got sooooo confused. Now I found out after I was pregnant with our first child that he is very experience sexually, like has had serval threesomes, men and women but only had sex with women and never touched the man. Now that was an issue for us cos he wanted it and I have never wanted it. So before we married I told him not to marry me if that is what he wanted from a wife cos I would never change my mind. He said he had done it all and I was all he wanted. Well now after many arguments and chats, I find out he is calling himself bicurious. He wants to perform oral on a guy, but with me. Now this is not something that I ever imagined us discussing. For some reason I didn't go running in the opposite direction, I have been supportive and told him I would consider it, but I really am confused. Does this mean he is secretly gay even though he has said he has no interest in sleeping with another man or having him have sex with him, he just wants to swallow cum and preform oral on them. I am so confused. I guess I am talking to him about his fantasties because I need time to know what I want. I don't really want to be with anyone else besides him. I am satisfied with him 120%. Now we send each other dirty texts with some really graphic fantasies in them, which is fine cos they are not real but he talks reality sometimes and I can feel my wall going up then we argue over something little and stupid and then I end up saying we are done and then he ends up talking me around. It was never like this. It was always him saying he was eaving and me begging him to stay. Oh we have been living in seperate homes now for a month and we have the best sex life ever but I know it is cos of all the fantasy talk and that is starting to bother me. I really am confused as to where and what I should do. I love him dearly and he says he loves me too and he only wants to be with me, but have a few dirty weekends away where we arrange for some random guy to blow together. I am really starting to question it all. He talks about blowing guys too much for someone who is apparently not gay. Any thoughts?? Sorry I have rambled but I am trying to give you as much info as possible.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

I'm so sorry your facing this situation. You have every right to be confused. Don't let him talk you into doing anything your not comfortable with. You need to consider the long term implications. He calls himself bi-curious which means he's looking to experiment with men. At some point he'll figure out what he really wants, but meanwhile he's trying to get you to participate and approve of his experimentation. He may think that by doing it with you he won't be considered "Gay". You would essentially be his cover so he can get what he wants (men). By asking you to participate he's showing you that he doesn't care about your emotional well being or your marriage. He's being very selfish. I know there are couples who live this way, but I personally don't understand how the female can be happy with it. My personal opinion is that some women put up with this because they feel they have no choice or she is also bi. Can you accept your husband running around blowing strange men for the rest of your marriage? Would your husband be able to face his son if he knew what his father was doing? Will you be able to respect him after seeing him blow some guy? I think you should consider that he may already be having sex with men and protect yourself accordingly. I may be naive about this dynamic but I cannot see a senario where your relationship is healthy and your family is secure in the future. I have met many stable gay men that are cable of raising families with their partners. However, I have never met a stable bi person. They tend to be all over the place and always hurt the people their involved with since they are never monogamous.

Peace


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## Suzyque (Apr 6, 2012)

Well, years ago, I "fell in love" (lust? infatuation? relief from pain? who knows) with someone. We planned to marry, had purchased rings, etc. We found a perfect house to rent and I moved from my parent's home and he moved from the house he was sharing...with two other guys. At some point after we had moved in together he tells me the two guys are gay. Then he tells me one of them was his boyfriend. He said he got together with him after not finding a successful relationship with women, and that he really wasn't gay, and had no desire to be gay, and on and on. 

I noticed he started to get home from work later and later. He blamed it on traffic.

One rainly, stormy night he didn't come home from work (for better or worse, we lived about an hour's drive from his job). Almost around 11 he calls and says he is spending the night with his ex because it was raining too hard for him to drive. 

The next morning I woke up from horrible, panicky nightmares to the sound of a ringing phone. I knew who it was and I didn't answer. Instead, I packed and left.

When we talked a few days later, he was very upset and said he "wasn't giving up on us." He didn't seem eager for me to come back.

Years later I saw him out at an event, with a new boyfriend.

Be aware that you may deal with his bicuriosity for the rest of your life. Are you up for that?


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

howdoyouknow? said:


> Now I found out after I was pregnant with our first child that he is very experience sexually, like has had serval threesomes, men and women but only had sex with women and never touched the man.
> 
> He said he had done it all and I was all he wanted. Well now after many arguments and chats, I find out he is calling himself bicurious. He wants to perform oral on a guy
> 
> ...


Honestly, it sounds like one of two things:
1 - drugs
2 - bipolar disorder


Drugs:
Studies have shown that drugs have a very extreme effect on a person's sexuality. Dopamine drugs make people more sexual. Not only do dopamine drugs make people more sexual, but they can actually influence a person's sexual preference. Very powerful dopamine drugs like amphetamine can make someone turn gay as fast as you snap your fingers, then they go back to being straight when it wears off and their dopamine levels drop back down to normal (or below normal due to withdrawal).


Bipolar:
People with bipolar disorder act like they are on drugs. They can have month long periods of extreme motivation and extreme friendliness and extreme sexual desire. They have tons of energy all the time and they don't need to sleep as much as everyone else. Then that stops and they go into a depressed phase. Tired all the time, unmotivated, nothing is enjoyable, they push all their friends away, etc.
It can be hard to spot bipolar people if their cycles are long enough. Some people have "rapid cycling" bipolar and their mood goes up and down very quickly, but some people can take years. They'll have a year long manic episode then become depressed and nobody knows why. The person might not know that they have a problem, so they'll blame it on things around them. It's my job that makes me sad, it's my family, it's my house, it's my car, etc.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Suzyque said:


> Well, years ago, I "fell in love" (lust? infatuation? relief from pain? who knows) with someone. We planned to marry, had purchased rings, etc. We found a perfect house to rent and I moved from my parent's home and he moved from the house he was sharing...with two other guys. At some point after we had moved in together he tells me the two guys are gay. Then he tells me one of them was his boyfriend. He said he got together with him after not finding a successful relationship with women, and that he really wasn't gay, and had no desire to be gay, and on and on.
> 
> I noticed he started to get home from work later and later. He blamed it on traffic.
> 
> ...



wow! that really sucks. 

you got yourself checked, didnt you? i hope.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Your husband is not being honest with you, and he's not being honest with himself.

"...he says he loves me too and *he only wants to be with me, but* have a few dirty weekends away where *we arrange for some random guy to blow together* :scratchhead:

"I agree to stay faithful to him for 3 months" Is he staying faithful to you? Are you using a condom EVERY time you're having sex with your husband? (Not that I would recommend that you HAVE sex with him now...it is messing with your mind.)

"has had serval threesomes... *that was an issue for us* cos he wanted it and I have never wanted it. So *before we married I told him not to marry me if that is what he wanted* from a wife *cos I would never change my mind"*

"he has no interest in sleeping with another man or having him have sex with him, he just wants to swallow cum and preform oral on them" Um, unless you're Bill Clinton, that IS having sex with a man.

"Now we send each other dirty texts with some really graphic fantasies in them" and "we have the best sex life ever but I know it is cos of all the fantasy talk and that is starting to bother me" (warning, he's trying to manipulate you)

"I end up saying we are done and *then he ends up talking me around*" (BAM, you've been manipulated)

This is fairly simple to figure out, but less simple to implement.

1.) Are you willing to be involved in threesomes with your husband and a strange man? This is a simple yes/no question.

2.) You warned him before marriage you were NEVER going to be interested in threesomes with him and he said he was fine with it. If you've changed your mind, that's fine.

3.) He has OBVIOUSLY changed his mind about threesomes. He moved out of your family home to pursue them. He has changed the rules you two agreed on at the time of the marriage.

4.) Do NOT expect him to change; do not expect MC to help with this situation. This is a lifestyle your husband voluntarily engaged in BEFORE your marriage and now wants to resume. He doesn't see a problem with it, so there is no fixing it.

5.) He is attempting to manipulate you into joining his threesome lifestyle by the sexy/fantasy texts, the mind-blowing sex. As another poster pointed out, he probably NEEDS you to participate in these threesomes so he can convince himself he's not homosexual at all. Not at all. Not one bit. Not in any way, shape or form. Uh, except for the BJs.....yeah.

You're either 'in' this threesome scenario for however long your husband wants to be (months? years? decades?) OR you're 'out' of this marriage. There is NO LONGER a marriage as YOU knew it for the last 10 years. There will be no going back. If after 14 years of being with you, your husband wants to revert back to this lifestyle, then even if he gets it out of his system (in X amount of time)...what makes you think he won't want to step out again into threesomes somewhere down the line?


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

If you are not comfortable with the whole sharing your bed thing with other people...then you tell him that and tell him again, what you told him before you got married, that you don't want that so if that is what he has to have then you guys shouldn't be together. 

Not only all that, but if you are religious...it is wrong in God's eyes as well.


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## Peachy Cat (Apr 15, 2012)

Sounds to me like he wants to have his cake and eat it, too. He wants the security of a woman that loves him, but the lifestyle of a single sex pervert.

Let him go... he will only hurt you over and over.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Yeah, what Peachy said.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

FGHFYHT said:


> lol


troll


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