# Wife is seeing another man



## dbjr (Mar 7, 2012)

We have been separated a couple of months now. She said she needed space, so I moved out. I am an alcoholic who has been sober for about a year. My son is the one who told me she had a boyfriend. I called her and asked, thinking he was pulling my leg, but she confirmed it. I asked her if it was physical, and she said "What other kind of relationship would I have?"

I have been trying to give her space, but I was still calling or texting every couple of days...it's so difficult. We were at marriage counseling and she said I was smothering her, so now no contact for at least a week.

She seems to still want to work on the relationship, but can she if she is seeing someone? I want to work on it, but I can't stop thinking of her with someone else... Is it still cheating if we're separated?


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## Traggy (Jan 26, 2012)

Look in the mirror.

See the man standing there? He is being walked all over and does not even realize it. 

She has another man, she wants space because she does not want you anymore. She doesn't want you to contact her. 

Really sounds like she wants to work on it.

Do not get caught up in the smoke screen she is in. 

Read the 180, be it and do it. I am sure someone will link it to you shortly.

10 to 1 odds the guy is the reason you are separated. Do not let her tell you that they met "Post Separation"

It is a trickle truth, so they can remove the guilt from their foggy hearts.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

dbjr no mc will not work when one of the partners is still seeing someone It is hard to work on a marriage being apart (separated) which i dont understand why folks do that it just lays the ground work for an affair to cultivate I would suggest that you start working on yourself and not worry about her, stay sober, maybe develop some hobbies that you like, start a exercise program of some kind etc she is gonna do what she is gonna do by concentrating on you and your needs this is the best way to take care of yourself under these circumstances their are plenty of decent women out their that would love a sober guy 

Good Luck


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

did you have an agreement that no one would see others during separation?

and yes you are correct, you cant work on a marriage when there's a 3rd party involved


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## dbjr (Mar 7, 2012)

when we first separated, I asked her if we were going to see other people, and she said "Not right now."


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

dbjr said:


> when we first separated, I asked her if we were going to see other people, and she said "Not right now."


so in other words she had plans on it


I think you should file, if she doesnt end the relationship then, she never will


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Dbjr,
Brother I was just like you, I believed my wife wasn't going to do anything during separation, etc. My ex is now on man #2, and she said she needs space to figure things out. Like 5raggy said, do the 180 for you, get you stronger. Also. Look into the book "No more mr nice guy" by Dr. Robert Glover. I've read it twice now, its helpful
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## scione (Jul 11, 2011)

dbjr said:


> I have been trying to give her space, but I was still calling or texting every couple of days...it's so difficult. We were at marriage counseling and she said I was smothering her, so now no contact for at least a week.
> 
> She seems to still want to work on the relationship, but can she if she is seeing someone? I want to work on it, but I can't stop thinking of her with someone else... Is it still cheating if we're separated?


She wanted space because she has somebody else and doesn't want you to bother her in her new love life. She only seems like she wants to work on relationship because she needs a backup plan in case the grass is not greener on the other side.

She doesn't want to work on relationship right now. She's just trying to keep you around until the other guy ready to fully commit to her. 

And if you two are still married, then yes, she is cheating on you.


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## dbjr (Mar 7, 2012)

I knew this was the tone the replies would take. That is why I've taken so long to write this post. Now I have to do something about it, and it sucks...


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

dbjr said:


> I knew this was the tone the replies would take. That is why I've taken so long to write this post. Now I have to do something about it, and it sucks...



truth sucks

but you can do it


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

db,

You gotten some good advice and directon above. Follow it

I also would have to agree with Traggy that the reason she wanted to seperate was that this affair was already underway and she wanted space to see where it could lead to with you as the back-up plan.

Now that you know what is going on (she is in a full fledges physical affair) you need to take decisive action.

First, cancel any joint credit cards you have or get her name removed from them

Take half the money in any joint bank accounts you have and place it in accounts with only your name on it. Why should you continue to underwrite her affair?

Call a lawyer. Find out what your rights are and see what can be done to get a formal seperation agreement that would prevent her from having overnight guests in the home around your child.

Go to a DR and get tested for STDs as soon as possible! She's likely exposed you to something and put your health at risk.

Find out who the other man (OM) is and if he has a wife or girlfriend. If he does, expose this affair to them and to your wife's family and his. Make them uncomfortable in the light of day!

Last but not least, get yourself into counseling as soon as you can to help you deal with this betrayal and take care of yourself! Do Not Drink!

Also, you should be reading in the Coping With Infidelity section for other advice and direction and consider moving your post there.

You should also start to investigate and try and determine how far back this started. Again, the CWI section will provide more insight into what you can do to find out.

Sorry you're here and good luck and post frequently for advice and direction


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

Agree with Traggy and the others. Maybe you feel guilty because of your drinking problem a year ago. Still doesn't give her a free pass to cheat. 

Scione, any update on your situation? Hope you're doing ok.


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## dbjr (Mar 7, 2012)

I do feel guilty. I was a drunk for 20 years. And thru that time it has been alcohol first, everything else second. I neglected her severely, never touching her except for sex. I didn't go anywhere with her, I would always stay home. So she ended up staying home with me. I got sober and tried to be more affectionate, but she said I ruined that for her and she didn't want it. Of course now she says that is why she likes this guy, because he's constantly telling her how beautiful she is, etc. She said she decided this guy was a mistake, but she is still going to see other people. I told her I wasn't going to stick around and watch her go thru a string of guys, and she said that was ok: her aunt and uncle divorced and married each other 3 times so we might get back together somewhere down the road...


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

db,

She's moved on. Time for you to do the same. Start the 180 and go dark with her.

Yes, you've made some serious mistakes in the past and I am surprised that she actually put up with it for as long as she did. 

Now that you've turned your life around. move on with it. She chose to lie to you about seeing other people during the seperation. That would be a huge issue to me.

Yes, you're an alcoholic. Alcholism is a disease that you'll fight the rest of your life. I'm sure it wasn't a life choice you made

She on the other hand made a conscience decision to start sleeping with other men and has vowed to continue to do so, keeping you in the background as a safety net once she humped her way across the country.

Not that it isn't possible that you two will re-connect and work things out down the road but you shouldn't live your life waiting or hoping for that


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Divorce her now
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

She's lost to you friend. Hate to say it but you drove her to this. I almost never blame the betrayed spouse, but in this case you are paying the piper and I think you know that. It does not excuse her infidelity, but its not a surprise either. 

Time to move on. Get a lawyer and get the ball rolling. Learn from your mistakes, keep up with your AA and sobriety, and try to get by with the most amicable divorce you can. 

Good luck.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

I agree with bandit. There was so much damage done by your alcoholism that your wife has emotionally checked out. Time to file for divorce and move on without her.


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## Traggy (Jan 26, 2012)

Don't go back to the one thing that drove her away if it goes that route my friend.


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