# craziest marriage ever, need help



## nancydicarlo (Sep 21, 2013)

I guess the best way to start is from the very beginning. I met my husband when I was 15 and he was 18. He was my first everything. I would always hear things about him cheating, but I would always brush it off because I thought we were so in love and everybody else was jealous. 

By the time I was 19 we bought our first house. By 21 I was married. At 22 I had my son. 6mos after I had my son I just knew something was up. I would ask him about it and he would make me feel like a crazy delusional person. At one point I asked to see his phone records and he told me that if I did I wouldn’t see anything and he would leave me. 

Well one night I was able to get into his phone, the first message I saw was a naked text pic from some girl. My stomach sunk. I didn’t even look any further. I went upstairs and confronted him and then left to my moms. But I had nothing, no job or anything. I was financially dependent on him. Plus I loved him and we just had a baby together. So I went back. From that point on though I decided I needed to get myself together, so I decided to get back into college.

I still had my suspicions on what he was doing. He had come home with lipstick on his collar, smelling like females, etc. Things were just different now. I looked at him differently. I thought we were untouchable. 

Once I graduated college I was able to find an amazing job with the DOD. I love it there and I love the people. And I met somebody there that I really took interest too. And when that happened I should have just left home. But instead I stayed, we were financially stable and I was in a comfort zone. I mean he technically was all I knew. But I continued this relationship with the other person too. The other person made me happy. But I knew that I became just the person I hated. So I told my husband what was going on. He punched me in the head and then threw me on the bed when I tried to get out of the room. I didn’t know what to do. I was scared. So I stayed with him and apologized over and over again.

He belittled me constantly; we went to a marriage counselor, who was great. However when it came to my husband needing to change things he became hostile and over it. He just wanted to be the victim. At that point the counselor said it was useless for us to come because he wasn’t even trying. But I stayed and kept trying to make it work. He treated me like trash and I felt like I deserved it even though he had done so many things to me (including a STD).This treatment from him went on for over a yr and I decided to finally leave.

I took my son and moved in with my mom. A week later I found out I was pregnant. What are the chances of that? So I went back home so we could try and work on things. My whole pregnancy was awful. I painted the whole house by myself. I took my son to and from daycare while putting in 40 hr workloads. He would stay at work late, come home whenever he pleased (drunk). I was the practicing baseball with our son, not him. I did everything. 

One night when he came home drunk I confronted him and he started choking me. At that point I was 9mos pregnant. During this whole time I was still being called a ***** and every other name in the book. I just didn’t get it, if he wanted to make things work then he needed to accept my apology and move on. It had been forever at this point. After I had our daughter he really had nothing to do with her. 

I had my daughter in May and throughout the entire summer he did whatever he wanted while I had both kids. But I felt like it was my punishment. He would still constantly accuse me of doing things. I hated it. I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror without him making a comment. To this day if I want to curl my hair for work , I hurry up and do it while he is in the shower and hide the iron before he gets out. 

That December I decided to purchases us tickets to Jamaica for his 30 birthday. I knew it could have been a waste of money, but I was willing to do anything to appease him even though he treated me like ****. His birthday wasn’t until Feb so that’s when I gave him the tickets. Well that same week a message from massage envy starts playing on the phone. Thanking my husband and Victoria for coming in for their massage. Well my name isn’t Victoria. 

So he tells me he had been having an affair for 6 mos. But what’s funny is the girl from 5 yrs ago that was in the naked pics on his phone, her name was Victoria…is that just a coincidence? Probably not. He was so arrogant about it too. He still came home late that night to. But I stayed and tried to make it work. 

After 3 weeks I packed us up and moved in with my mom. The whole time he was calling and begging for me to come home. But it really didn’t even hurt that he was going out on our marriage, it was more so the physical and emotional abuse I had to endure while he was doing his thing anyway. Well my mom lives in a 55+ community so after 3 mos I needed to leave because of my kids.

I didn't save any money bc I kept my check going into our joint account and was still contributing to the house bills. I was scared to open my own account because I was scared he wouldn’t pay our mortgage. The house is in both of our names and the main mortgage is too. But we took a second mortgage out a while back to do some renovations. And unfortunately the second mortgage is in my name only. I knew he wouldn’t pay that bill. People would tell me not to worry about it and if he doesn’t pay it let it go to foreclosure. But unfortunately its not that easy. 

I work for DOD, I have a security clearance and something like that (forclosure/ finance issues)could hurt my clearance. I can’t lose my job. So I started weighing my options and thinking how great it would be to make my family work. So what did this dummy do? Go back home. It took two weeks before jabs and attacking started on me. Really? Like this can’t be real, he was the one that just had an affair. And about 3 more weeks later I found the girls sweat pants in his car. He swore they were from forever ago and he forgot to get rid of them. Right! And it’s just crazy the way he treats me. 

So today he was being his normally nasty self and calling me all sorts of names. We were outside with both kids. And he made another comment to me, so I looked and smiled at him. He ran over at me while I’m holding my child and he hits me in my head. I nearly fell over. It was broad day light; I couldn’t believe he would do it then and in public. About 5 minutes later 3 cop cars show up. Clearly neighbors were watching and called. When they got there my husband start being all chumming and jokey with them and told them we just got into an argument and I told them the same. He gave me information on a protective order and I took my kids and left. So here I am now back at my mom’s where I know I can’t stay. I don’t know what to do about the family house (mortgage situation). 

I’ll take any advice. Thank you if you really took the time to read this.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Letting him stew with a protective order for once, being told he can't go back home, and having you file charges are the biggest gift you can give your whole family - including that jerk you are married to. Don't cover for him next time. Be the one to dial 911!

He needs a wake-up call. 

Then find this Victoria and expose her to everyone. Leave him no where to go but down.

Then file for divorce and make sure he pays child support. You might be able to keep the house. Otherwise sell it and free yourself from this anchor.

BTW, great job with school and your career! Very impressive!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sorry you are here. Sadly yours is not the craziest marriage ever. There are far too many like this.

Now that you are safely at your mother’s, call the police and file charges. Tell them that you were afraid to tell the officer’s earlier what happened. You were afraid that they would leave him there with you when they left, and then he would beat you up. Tell them that he hits you pretty often.

Then ask them if they can remove him from the house so you and your children can return home. Get a restraining order against him.

You need to establish a record of his domestic violence.

Go see an attorney ASAP and have him/her file for emergency child support, spousal support (if you earn less than he), you can probably get the funds to pay the mortgage over and above all that if needed. This is to get your through the next few months while a divorce is being done. Also ask the attorney to file an emergency custody order with you having primary physical and legal custody. 

This will all get you back in the house and get you financially sound for the interim.

Have your pay go directly to an account in your name only. Once you get support payments, see if they can be deducted from his pay by his employer.

And no all of this will not hurt your security clearance… as long as you are not the one breaking the law.

Also, find a domestic violence support organization and get counseling. You have put up with way too much abuse for way too long. You need to figure out why you have done this so that you do not repeat.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Nancy, 

If that is your real name as your user name, please ask a moderator to let you change it. Never, ever use your real name on a forum like this. it's too easy to for angry spouses to find you with a Google search.

Please edit your post and break it up into paragraphs so that it's easier to read. Some people have problems focusing on a solid wall of text. Few people will take time to read that.


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## nancydicarlo (Sep 21, 2013)

No it's not my real name. Thank you both for reading my post. Everything was just on my mind and I couldn't stop typing or think about the way it would be viewed.

I appreciate the advice.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

nancydicarlo said:


> No it's not my real name. Thank you both for reading my post. Everything was just on my mind and I couldn't stop typing or think about the way it would be viewed.
> 
> I appreciate the advice.


You can edit it and add blank lines (white space) between paragraphs. There is an edit button on the bottom right of your post.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Nancy,
The only honest advice i can give you is to first love yourself.
Your husband does NOT love you, he never did.
You CANNOT make things work.
You DO NOT have a " family " or future with this man.
You need to stop believing in that fantasy of when you were teen 
" lovers."
Stop listening to his promises and excuses,
Find out what are your legal options ,( maybe even file for divorce ) ,separate and protect your finances ,find out what social services are available and leave this man, NOW!
The first step always seem difficult , but the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.
I would also suggest personal counseling .
You deserve better.your kids deserve a better future.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Your gut has been speaking to you all this time. You are torn by your love and dependency on this men but at the expense of your own security and sanity. You know what you need to do, you just don't know how to do it.

I am guessing your husband can be loving and charming when he wants and this is the side of him that you want and enjoy. Whenever you take a stand for yourself he turns on the charm, makes promises, you want to believe it, you feel guilty and think you are the one that just needs to try harder. I understand, been there. You have to look at your situation differently lady, you are being abused and you do not deserve the treatment he is giving you.

Thank goodness the neighbors called!!!!

You have a job with DODs, that's great! I am very familiar with the system and it is great employment. Are you a teacher? You do realize you can relocate?

His behavior is not your fault and you should not feel guilt in any way for anything. Not even for meeting this other man. Your body was trying to tell you that something was wrong and you were trying to get out. This other man's help, support and attention was probably exactly what you needed at the time to help you.

Can you see that he possess and controls you? It is okay for him to have an affair and carry on with other women but you cannot do the same because you are "his." How much sense does that make? Do you really want to be owned like piece of furniture? And then what happens when he decides he wants to leave for this other woman? Do you think he will put the kids first or stay out of guilt? NO!

I was in your EXACT situation. I met my first husband when I was 13, he is a 1 1/2 years older. We married when I was 17 and had 2 children. I loved this man with all my heart. He had a temper....if the kids left floaties sharing his drink he'd get mad, he ran over one of the kid's bikes one day and was yelling and blaming out daughter who was 5 at the time. He'd punch walls and doors. He would have fits over sex. If I turned him down and sometimes he'd want sex 8-10 times a day, he would have a fit and tell me he was going to go out and find it elsewhere and then leave. I recall crying when I was 8 months pg with our first child and he slapped my face. He told me he didn't know how to get me to stop crying. One time in an argument he had pushed me which was typical for him, he always kept pushing. I pushed him back real hard one time and it pushed him into a door with a window in the top part. His head touched the glass which was very thin and the glass broke. He turned right around and punched me in the jaw. It took 2 years for my jaw to heal completely. He then went around telling everyone I put his head thru a window.

He had no interest in our children, that was obvious. He didn't want to work so I ended up support us as much as I could and then had to come home and nothing had been done at home....kids were still in pjs and had not been bathed, nothing done around the house.

He was not a truthful person and he would make up these huge lies, basically to control me, to keep me away from other people. I eventually left him over one of his lies, I filed for divorce and went to live with my parents but he begged me back, promised things would be different, poured on the charm and like you, I felt guilty and went back.

It was worse when I wen back. He wanted to be self-employed so we really could not count on an income from him. We were in financial ruins. My work and the money I earned was not enough to keep up with his expensive spending. He wanted to have 3-somes which I refused. He wanted to wife swap and I also would not do that.

I asked him to go to counseling, we had no insurance but I told him I would pay for it. He went and lied when he came back, said the counselor told him to move out which he did. I look back and realized I was blessed by this but I didn't feel that at the time. His mom said she had been loaning him money and asked if I was getting gifts from him which I was not. She told me she thought he was having an affair and suggested I follow him so I did and sure enough....a lady 15 years older with 3 children (one an 18 year old).

When I confronted him he admitted, said he loved her and asked me if I thought it was possible to be in love with two people at the same time. He asked me to wait til the affair was over, said that it was on the down-hill side....can you imagine? That was the end for me. I paid for the divorce. I ended up with all the bills from his business. He paid no child support and some how I made it.

His affair lady left him....I think it was the lack of financial support that she could not deal with. He then remarried and had another family and treated his second wife even worse. Had a live in girlfriend at one point, convinced his wife to do 3-somes. She finally drew the line when he became involved with her best friend.

He is now with yet another sweet and innocent young lady and I do feel real sorry for what she has instore for her.

He's been a jerk, told our kids all kinds of lies about us and me but I am glad I got out and that is the only thing you can do to save yourself too.

Seek a counselor if you need to but take a stand for yourself and leave this man. It will never get better.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Please listen to the voice of experience > AVR1962's story ....surround yourself with people who care and can support you & your children through this, no going back to this man. He is not marriage or honorable material for any woman...you must think of your children's future and examples before them.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Eligirl has some good advice, listen to her. 

Get the police to remove him from your home.
Go back home and get an attorney
Get separate bank accounts
Do all else she told you to do, and do it quickly.

You planned for this day many years ago when you went back to school. You are smart and you are prepared. THIS is the day.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Nancy.

Get a lawyer on Monday and get him helping you deal with the house and the divorce process because you need to get out of this toxic relationship ASAP.

Not just for you, but for your kids too. They need to see that the selfish and abusive way your husband acts is never ever acceptable, ever.

Get your paycheck into your own bank account.

If you have joint credit cards, some will advise you to use them to buy prepaid cards to places like target and Amex and visa that you can later use to pay for things for you and the kids.

Talk to the lawyer about the mortgages and the house and how to best work that mess out. It's pretty common in divorces and it can be sorted out.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

nancydicarlo said:


> I’ll take any advice. Thank you if you really took the time to read this.


Exactly what advice are you looking for? How to get back together with this guy??

I'll give you some advice. But I'm going to be a lot more harsh than the other people here. 

You both cheated on each other. Are you 100% certain your second child is really your husbands? If not, that might actually be an advantage here if you want him out of your life. But wait, you still want him in your life, don't you?

But this guy continues to cheat, gave you an STD, beats you and chokes you. He's a bad spouse. But guess what? *So are you*. You stayed with him, went back to him again and again. And again. And again. You kept your kids in this environment. He even hit you while you were holding your child. Unlike some people here, I don't buy into the "battered spouse syndrome" excuse for any of that crap. 

What's even more frustrating is that the only reason you are away from him now is because *someone else* called the cops!!!!

So here is my advice, although you probably won't take it:


Hire an attorney. Like yesterday. 

Get that protective order so you can move back in your house and he will have to move out. Your name is on both mortgages, not his. 

Report everything and document everything and give it to your attorney so that if/when you are divorced, the judge will require him to attend some kind of anger therapy before taking the kids alone on visitation. 

Meet a decent guy. There are plenty of them out there. I have two best friends who are unhappily single and would never hit a woman in their lives. You don't have to settle for an abuser.

But here's my prediction. Next month you will be back with him, and the month after that he will cheat on you and hit you again. And then you'll be back asking us or someone else for advice. Again.

BTW, isn't your Mom tired of you constantly running away from this guy and always going back again??


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Theseus said:


> But this guy continues to cheat, gave you an STD, beats you and chokes you. He's a bad spouse. But guess what? *So are you*. You stayed with him, went back to him again and again. And again. And again. You kept your kids in this environment. He even hit you while you were holding your child. Unlike some people here, I don't buy into the "battered spouse syndrome" excuse for any of that crap.
> 
> You don't have to settle for an abuser.
> 
> ...


There are some women who make it out successfully!!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

nancydicarlo said:


> my husband start being all chumming and jokey with them and told them we just got into an argument and *I told them the same*.


Well, there you go.


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## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

I made it out... but I was not choked.

OMG... PLEASE do this for you and your kids. What happens when he doesn't STOP choking you?

I'm not trying to be an alarmist but you need to make a plan with a pro and GET OUT.

AND OMG did someone just compare cheating to choking a pregnant woman as EQUAL "bad spouse"?!!!!

She was cheated on and abused for years, she found someone who for a brief moment took that pain away. I would venture to say this is a survival tactic of a lot of women, esp when they don't tell friends or family whats going on.

And for the love of everything holy.. if any woman reads this and is in this situation DO NOT go to MARRIAGE COUNSELLING with an abusive man. You need to see someone who works with abused women, and they have programs for men... if the men are willing to change.
MC gives abusers ammunition.
And why did this counselor not report the physical abuse? WTH? I'm stunned.

You need to see a lawyer and file for the OP. You cannot be fired over your husband beating you.

Do you not see how many excuses you keep making? You are worried about your house meanwhile he is hitting you in front of your children. You want to keep your family together? What family? The one where your kids live in fear of what their father will do to you or THEM?

I'm going to tell you what my lawyer told me, and I had emotional abuse (and some throwing) and am 1 year separated...
After talking to me he said he could still tell I was paralyzed by my stbx, still had some guilt and obligation...
Realize you are making excuses because you are scared and conflicted. Get counselling for yourself and your children.

Fill out the order of protection.

Don't let him do it again.
I know a woman that was shot point blank range by her x... in front of her kids. She had 20 surgeries on her stomach area, he is on death row.

This stuff does not end well...


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## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Sorry you are here. Sadly yours is not the craziest marriage ever. There are far too many like this.
> 
> Now that you are safely at your mother’s, call the police and file charges. Tell them that you were afraid to tell the officer’s earlier what happened. You were afraid that they would leave him there with you when they left, and then he would beat you up. Tell them that he hits you pretty often.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

See a lawyer about the order if you can (and do file charges) in some states the emergency order gives you-

Child support
Emergency $ for you
Protection of your assets (he cant sell or take out tons of $)
Protection from him calling, texting
Protection from his family harassing you

The order is done ex parte - just you and the judge, not your spouse. You file it for free and get it same day. He will be escorted out.
That is the civil matter

The other is the criminal, you want him prosecuted

*


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

bunny23 said:


> AND OMG did someone just compare cheating to choking a pregnant woman as EQUAL "bad spouse"?!!!!


I guess you are referring to me, but *NO F**KING WHERE* did I use the word "equal" or any synonym thereof, nor do I believe they are equally guilty here!!! 

I just meant that she should ALSO look at her own faults for constantly returning to this guy and remaining in this situation. It's not politically correct to say that but it's true. 

It's sad that the only reason anything even changed was because someone else called the cops, and even then the OP tried to help her husband talk his way out of it. She's an adult, and she's freely making these decisions. Her husband doesn't have magical mind control powers. 

I fear she will simply go back to him within a month (if that). But I really, really hope that I am wrong.


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