# Married less than 6m please help



## leabk (Feb 26, 2015)

We got married in September 2014 and I thought our life's were great, I had 100% trust in my Husband and faith in us and in our future.

In early November my husband lost his errection which happened now and again and I never thought anything of it. 

About the 8th Dec I noticed a difference in my husband, he was secrative with his phone and calls and didn't want to take it with him when he went out and also left his phone in his coat most of the time, this was unusual for my husband as he would always put it on the side. He become distant and not very interested in me. So when I asked him about it we had a major row and he made me feel really guilty saying he married me because he loved me and would never do anything to hurt me like that and that he had done everything for me and my children and how could i even think so little of him.

On my birthday 21 Dec I had a message from a women on google saying my husband has been contacting her and messageing her and talking to her and she said this had been going on since the beginging of december, when I confronted my husband at first he denied it then eventually told the truth. He said it was because he was worried because he lost his errection. He said he never met her and it was only ever over the phone with sex text, chat and messages.

I said that I didn't understand why he done this as he had the problem in early november once and now and again before that but I just thought it could have been stress at the time and didn't see how talking to another women would help as he never had a problem when he masterbated, just when he had sex, and I told him that i beleived that he did meet her, but he just denied it.

I decided our marriage was worth fighting for and all seemed to be going ok exept for the last 6 weeks, when ever we try to have sex he looses his errection. I asked him to stop watching porn to see if this would help and he said he would be nothing changed, allthough he tells me he doesn't watch it, I know he does. 

I really don't know what to do anymore, My husband doesn't want me to tell anyone about our problems we have had since December but I feel like im breaking inside, i really don't know what to do for the best and have no one to talk to about this.
When I try to see if me and my husband can sort this out we always seem to argue about it and he says that he cant see why i have a problem with him watching porn. Although I told him I don't mind him watching it, I just want to see if him stopping watching it and masterbating so oftern will make our sex life better, he always just lies about watching it.

I have told my husband that when he looses his errection it makes me feel like he just isn't interested in me sexually he just tells me that its not me and doesn't know why it happens but then persists in saying that he doesn't have a problem when he watches porn and needs to relive himself some way.

Please Please could someone give me some advice as I really would like our marrage to work as it hasn't even been 6m


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

leabk said:


> We got married in September 2014 and I thought our life's were great, I had 100% trust in my Husband and faith in us and in our future.
> 
> In early November my husband lost his errection which happened now and again and I never thought anything of it.
> 
> ...


Way too much going on for such a recently married couple. I think the ultimatum needs to be laid. Either we get counseling or you're done. Salvage this or get out before you invest years and years into this crap. It will get worse not better


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Do not despair Lea, though I certainly understand how this may seem hopeless.

Something interesting happens when men watch porn. They get erect, they masturbate and the ejaculate. But here is the interesting part, they don't need to be fully erect to ejaculate. Since it is just their own hand, the lack of a full erection is of no consequence to the subsequent sensations and culmination. IOW, it feels just as good and the cum just as hard even if they are only partially erect.

Now, when engaged in partnered sex, in order for penetration to happen, the penis needs to be fully erect or it just won't work. Like slipping a cooked noodle into a tube... Just won't work. However, if you were to take that limp noodle and masturbate it with your hand, it could still ejaculate. 

What I'm suggesting is that your husband has ED and his porn use is masking his ED, not causing his ED.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/women-who-stray/201308/erectile-dysfunction-myth

I draw your attention to this paragraph specifically.



> A review of Pubmed (link is external), the largest online database of medical literature, reveals that there is not a single published study linking pornography and erectile dysfunction. A search for the terms “erectile dysfunction pornography” yields 52 publications. Of these, the bulk are studies that use pornography, or “visual sexual stimuli” (VSS) to test erectile dysfunction. In fact, urologists and researchers have found that pornography viewing is an effective, noninvasive and reliable test for psychogenic erectile dysfunction. One fascinating study (link is external) identified that the brain activities of men watching pornography are not significantly different in men with and without erectile dysfunction.


I therefor suggest you and your husband make an appointment with his primary care physician to begin the search for answers.

He could have diabetes, or blood pressure problems or some other vascular problem. I would caution anyone from assuming ED to be caused by porn use until medical issues have been ruled out.

Viagara, Cialis, Levitra are all drugs that can prompt an nice strong erection and they might be the first thing your doctor suggests.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I also wanted to add, contacting this other woman, though wrong, was the standard advice from doctors not so long ago. Go see a hooker and see if your erection works there. The old line docs assumed the wife to be such a harridan she was causing his ED and a hooker, who would not make any demands and would only praise and lavish attention, would make getting an erection easier. If a man could get an erection with a hooker but not his wife....well there you have the culprit.

My husband's doctor actually made the exact same suggestion a mere 15 years ago!


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

although I agree that porn in and of itself does not cause ED,
it can affect full stimulation with a real woman.

So I would suggest the twofold path.

1. continue to insist he at least temporarily stop porn to see if that helps while you two are engaged intimately.

2. Definitely do have him see the dr.


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

oh, almost forgot. Very important. what is his age?


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

how old is he?

if he young and other wise health I would say divorce.

your marriage is not very long. and he has shown himself to be a liar and untrust worthy. 

cut your losses and be grateful you found out what type of person he really is.


----------



## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

I think porn definitely can be a problem. Here is a link that I posted earlier today. 
http://youtu.be/wSF82AwSDiU

Some people have no problem viewing porn and view it moderately however more and more men are finding they have ED the more they view porn. 

That said you have another problem. You have allowed him to rug sweep his infidelity. And I don't think that's wise if you want to have a healthy marraige. 

So far he's proven to be a dud husband. I would start going to individual counselling ask for marital counselling. Work on yourself and look to what you can do to make your life great so that if you feel you need to leave it's much easier for you. 

I would demand he is 100% honest about his cheating and he limits his time online and also allows you access to his history! his Facebook! his text messages and his email etc! he has proven himself very untrustworthy and should be willing to do whatever it takes to earn your trust. Including stepping away from the porn and focusing on you.


----------



## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Oh and do not have children with him. Be very careful about that.


----------



## LuvIsTuff (Feb 20, 2015)

I don't care what any women in here say, or how many absurd clinical studies have been done that discount the impact that porn has on a man. The deeper he's in to it, the more problems you are going to have. Medical studies aren't in the average homes of families that are being destroyed by it. You need to give him an ultimatum... Porn or you. If he chooses porn, you know what you have to do. I guarantee that if he stops watching porn, his ability to perform with you will improve within 2 weeks. Try it. If I'm wrong, tell me so in 2 weeks.


----------



## leabk (Feb 26, 2015)

jorgegene said:


> oh, almost forgot. Very important. what is his age?


He is 38 and has two children from a previous marraige.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*IMHO, and at this juncture, joint counselling is about your only viable option!*


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

When a man masturbates to porn he is not only training his brain he is training his penis. If Mr. OP whacks off to porn on a regular basis AND also has ED he is training his penis and his brain that full erections are unnecessary.

There is correlation but not causation.


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Anon Pink said:


> When a man masturbates to porn he is not only training his brain he is training his penis. If Mr. OP whacks off to porn on a regular basis AND also has ED he is training his penis and his brain that full erections are unnecessary.
> 
> There is correlation but not causation.


I agree with this.

I also agree it can happen with women also.

if they can only get aroused read erotica(romance/mystery novels) and only use toys to masturbate with or only do clitoral stimulation then they will condition themselves to only orgasm that way. 

but all that is besides the point. this is more of just a porn problem he is possibly contacting other women through the computer and has lied about his use and continues to use and lie about not showing any real effort to make things work.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

chillymorn said:


> I agree with this.
> 
> I also agree it can happen with women also.
> 
> ...


Bolded: I've posted this many times. If your wife is turning you away, yet reads erotica, you've got to find out what she is reading. She has probably discovered a fetish that she is ashamed to tell you. 

If your wife is reading erotica, a wise husband will also read some of her titles.


----------



## LuvIsTuff (Feb 20, 2015)

So, Anon Punk, instead of a husband addressing the real problem, which would be on the wife, he should jump on board with what she's in to as a solution to an obvious problem? Surely that's not what you're saying.


----------



## LuvIsTuff (Feb 20, 2015)

Anon PINK. Stupid spell check!!!!!


----------



## CincyBluesFan (Feb 27, 2015)

I hate to tell you but he's probably not losing his erection, he's just using it elsewhere. The upside is you don't have a lot of time invested in this relationship. If it's this rocky this early then there's a 99.99% chance it's doomed. I leave that .01% open because I'm an optimist. 

I say chin up, get out now and save yourself more pain later, and find someone who adores you because he adores porn and his hand. If nothing else, the realization that you could very well leave him might snap him out of his stupidity. If not then you know for sure that leaving is the right decision.


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

leabk said:


> We got married in September 2014
> 
> ....he made me feel really guilty saying he married me because *he loved me and would never do anything to hurt me like that* and that he had done everything for me and my children and how could i even think so little of him.
> 
> ...


First, as you well know your marriage is in crisis. Knowing you have a problem is the first step in addressing the problem. 

Obviously, your husband has not acknowledged the problem and is in denial. He also has not been honest with you. That, in my mind is a big issue, probably the biggest issue.

Sit him down and tell him that you are unhappy, that you feel unloved and that you arent sure you can trust him, because of his actions. Tell him that inspite of all this you still love him, but you need actions not words from him so the two of you can rebuild the trust in your marriage.

I would strongly suggest marriage counseling. I would also keep you focus on actions not words, the ED is a side problem to a much deeper honesty issue, based on what you have posted.

Now to focus on the ED issue for a moment. Understand that even if if makes you feel he isn't sexually interested in you, that is not the case. ED is about him! It is not about how sexy or desirable you are. ED is either physical or mental, but again it is him not you. Your body can neither cause nor cure ED. Going to a good doctor and getting a complete blood workup can help determine if there is a medical reason for his ED, and there likely could be. If there isn't a medical reason, I strongly suggest that the two of you find a sex therapist, who is a marriage counselor with additional trainning in the field of sexuality and sex disfunction. They have lots of exercises that your husband and you can do so he can get over his ED issue if it is not medical in nature.

Good luck. And as others have already said, use birth control.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

LuvIsTuff said:


> So, Anon Punk, instead of a husband addressing the real problem, which would be on the wife, he should jump on board with what she's in to as a solution to an obvious problem? Surely that's not what you're saying.


Punk....:rofl: No problem.

What I suggest is that if the wife is reading erotica and is turning her husband away, he is no longer pushing her erotic buttons and in fact may be actively turning her off.

Actively turning her off: It may not be any one thing but a culmination of several things. Maybe his beer gut combined with his propensity to veg in front of the TV while she is cleaning up the kitchen and putting the kids to bed and he doesn't get up to help until he is called? Maybe he has promised to get stuff fixed and still hasn't done it and she's sick of hearing the drip drip drip from the bathroom? Maybe she hates to see him wearing white sneakers with brown socks?

Not turning her on: she is reading about men who are intense in their desire for her. Some me. Just don't get that. They present themselves as needy clingy men. They expect their wives to show up ready for sex when they've done nothing to get her aroused. They want their wives to salivate but don't salivate (in the right way) for their wives. Maybe she wants a more dominat lover than her husband who is a needy lover?

One of my BFF's rarely ever has sex with her because he is so needy and she says she has never turned him down. He doesn't initiate but instead tells her "why don't you go out on that nightgown" when he hasn't done a damn thing all day to even hint at sex.

You don't go from 0-10 with women who aren't highly sexual. They need time to warm up and if you're not doing it, yet the men in her stories are...she'd probably rather read the stories.

So yes, read the damn stories and compare your sex initiation sequence to what happens in the story. See how erotic tension is built by the exchanges. See how it is maintained through out the story.

Find out what is turning your wife on and then do it.


----------



## Melvynman (Mar 19, 2014)

Sounds to me like the problem with your husband is his sexual imprinting. He first learned about sex through masturbating to porn. His imprinting is complete. If he had learned about sex by being molested he most likely would be a molester. If his first experience with was with boy he would be gay. If was with a girl you wouldn't be having this problem. Sex is very additive and males will chase the high of that first orgasms for life. Its called imprinting!


----------



## LuvIsTuff (Feb 20, 2015)

Anon Pink said:


> Punk....:rofl: No problem.
> 
> What I suggest is that if the wife is reading erotica and is turning her husband away, he is no longer pushing her erotic buttons and in fact may be actively turning her off.
> 
> ...


This kind of connects to a comment I made on the post about Porn and Romance novels. If what you're saying is true, she's wanting her husband to be like the men in the books she's reading, and she's perpetuating her own frustration by continuing to read these books. Obviously he's not, and likely never will be like the men in the books. Those books create an extremely unrealistic expectation. Can her husband change? Yes. Should he try to be more romantic? Of course. You've read enough of my personal posts to know that I'm going through a similar situation. I have failed to continue pursuing my wife like I did before we were married and it has taken it's toll on our sex life. FINALLY, I've realized my mistakes and I'm changing, and it's making a big difference. This particular man could change as well, but he'll likely never measure up to the men in the books. Porn and romance novels both distort reality, and thus create unrealistic expectations of what men and women should be, IMO. Maybe the husband could take a peek at what she's reading, and try to be that man. But for him to think he has to measure up is not fair, and it's inevitable that his wife will continue to be disappointed if she keeps reading them.

Certainly the husband can do better and should work harder. On that, I'm sure we can all agree.


----------



## LuvIsTuff (Feb 20, 2015)

Melvynman said:


> Sounds to me like the problem with your husband is his sexual imprinting. He first learned about sex through masturbating to porn. His imprinting is complete. If he had learned about sex by being molested he most likely would be a molester. If his first experience with was with boy he would be gay. If was with a girl you wouldn't be having this problem. Sex is very additive and males will chase the high of that first orgasms for life. Its called imprinting!


I'm not sure I agree with this. I started viewing porn in 1st grade, with a penthouse magazine. I saw my first porn movie in 7th grade and whacked off daily throughout my teen years. I didn't lose my virginity until I was 19, and only had sex a handful of times before getting married when I was 24. I had to have masturbated 1000s of time before marriage, and only had sex 10-15 times before meeting my current wife of 19 years. I MUCH prefer and pursue sex with my wife over masturbation, and only take care of myself when I need to. The "high" that I get from being with my wife dwarfs the high of masturbation. It's a highly spiritual event and better than any drug I've ever done(and I did lots of drugs in college). Nothing compares to sex with my wife.


----------



## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Avoid drugs as the first try to correct ED. 100% zero porn and no masturbation can do wonders. He likely has desensitized himself. That is corrected with cold turkey in a week or two. 

Perhaps have him shave down there too. It can be very erotic for him and increases sensitivity and attention to the action.


----------



## leabk (Feb 26, 2015)

Hi,

I asked my husband to stop looking at porn for two weeks and he promised he would but i found out today that was all a lie. not only has he looked at porn at least 4 days out of the two weeks he has been looking at mums and daughters having sex with the daughters teenage boyfriend. I am now worried as i have two teenage daughters and really don't know what to do for the best.

Please Please Please could someone give me some advise on what direction should i take now.

By the way just to let you know i have not confronted my husband as i really don't know what to do or say.

Many thanks

Leanne


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

leabk said:


> Hi,
> 
> I asked my husband to stop looking at porn for two weeks and he promised he would but i found out today that was all a lie. not only has he looked at porn at least 4 days out of the two weeks he has been looking at mums and daughters having sex with the daughters teenage boyfriend. I am now worried as i have two teenage daughters and really don't know what to do for the best.
> 
> ...


I have several fantasies that I would NEVER EVER EVER want to become real. Reading about these fantasy situations arouses me, yet I never contemplate the reality of theses fantasies.

I don't know why, and I don't think anyone else does either, some fantasies we have are about event or situations we would never ever want in real life.

How has your sex life with H faired during this time?

Has he been to see his doctor yet?

Tell your H you know he broke his promise to you. Once he has been given a clear bill of health by his doc, make an appointment with a MC. Either he participates or the marriage ends. You cannot nag him into doing what he should be doing. That has to come from him and it never will while you remain a nag and don't make clear boundaries about what you expect and what you will not put up with.


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

This probably isn't the ideal best advice but I would try doing the things the porn actresses do and dress up a bit. Cut back on the porn to almost nothing but its still there to spice things up from time to time.

I agree that masturbating to porn too much is a bad thing because he will only be in the mood when viewing porn.

I would add porn only once in a while, mutually, but never as a substitute.

You get desensitized.


----------

