# HELP: Ill, Depressed, and Forgotten



## kgrumbles (Jul 18, 2010)

I just signed up today to post here because I have a serious problem and don't know where else to go. Please listen to my story and if you wish to answer, feel free to by all means.

My wife and I have been together for eight years now. We have two sons, an eight and three-year-old. I have been in the military for six years, and have deployed to Afghanistan. I will admit that the biggest reason I have to stay in the military is the health benefits they give my family. It’s not the best healthcare, but it’s pretty much free and we can eventually be referred to whomever specialists we need. This is important to us because one of my sons has Alpha-1 Antitrypsin Deficiency, a form of genetic emphysema; and my wife is being evaluated on a possible case of primary pulmonary hypertension.

So much has happened in our lives that it seems like we’re in a perpetual tailspin. In addition to being deployed, we have also survived a house fire that destroyed almost 90 percent of our belongings. My wife has suffered multiple miscarriages and a botched surgery that has left her physically and mentally unwell. She is chronically fatigued, and has experienced so much medical trauma that she now suffers from PTSD as a result. Both of us have chronic depression.

We have absolutely no social support where we live. Despite attempts to get out into the community and make friends, everyone we meet distances themselves from us. Even my co-workers don’t mesh well with us – they barely acknowledge us. We have nobody to help us with our children whenever we need to see a doctor, so we pay to have our children attend full-time day care and summer camp. Even when there were medical emergencies in our family, few people if anyone lend their support. In a culture where everyone knows everyone and help came with a casserole in hand when somebody was in trouble, nobody ever comes to our aid. I am not exaggerating – this is how it was at my last assignment at a more combat-oriented station. This is not the case where I am assigned today.

My wife is trying to get her health back while managing her depression. Years ago she managed a café and was still able to take care of her infant son. But now she barely has enough energy to leave the house on most days. She may not be missing limbs or appear to be deathly ill, but she can’t truly function in the way that most people take for granted. PPH is a potentially terminal illness, and she is freaked the hell out about having it. We hate having to explain ourselves to people who don’t understand why my wife can’t go to the store or walk about town like everyone else.

I know I’ve rambled a lot so far, and I don’t blame you if you’ve already left this thread by now. But I think it’s important to tell the facts before I continue. The fact is, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I sympathize with my wife and understand that she is in the kind of pain and discomfort that I can’t imagine living with on a daily basis, and I do my best to keep our heads up and motivated. But after years of holding things up, I’ve become tired. Every day I wake up before 6 a.m. to work more than eight hours before I bring the kids home, cook everyone’s dinner, clean what I can of the house and get things ready to do it again tomorrow. Not to mention that there are the sporadic weekends that I work and am forced to leave my wife home with two rambunctious boys. On those days especially, my wife looks to me for her relief when I come home.

Whenever my wife isn’t at the doctor, she’s at home and either in bed or in the bath to calm her nerves. She hardly ever leaves these two places to see the rest of the house, and when she does I am asked why I’ve let things get untidy. My wife loves to cook, but every day it’s me behind the stove. Sometimes I get dinner right, other times not so much.

This school year my wife will be home schooling our older son, and in order to do that she bought a new PC to replace a MacBook she bought a couple years back with some of my re-enlistment bonus. That computer she was constantly on until it somehow burnt out and we bought the PC. It actually looks as if the Mac is an easy fix, but she never feels good enough to go out to the Apple Store we bought it from in order to have it looked at. Otherwise, it would be a good thing to have fixed because I would also have a good computer that I can bring with me when I get deployed again so we can video chat. Not to mention the fact that I would like to relax with my own computer, because my wife is always using the PC and not always for school-related things.

Am I a bad husband for wanting more, or even just something? There are places I want to go and things I want to do, but we never go anywhere on her good days except places where she wants to go. It seems like anything I ever want for myself is something that I’m going to end up taking away from my wife or children because she already has things planned out. Whenever we get our tax return or come into extra money, we can never agree how to spend it because she has already decided what it will be for. Anytime I have a suggestion for something else, I become a bad guy for wanting to take away the next family vacation and whatnot.

I have no help at home with making dinner or keeping things clean. I’ve tried to enlist the help of our older son, but it’s no use. My wife hardly ever has the energy to walk about the house, let alone help me clean it. Like I said, nobody will associate with us, so I have no friends to turn to for help with anything. I don’t have friends, period. Not that I’d have the time to hang out with anyone. My wife and I don’t have nights out anymore, and we barely make love anymore due to her condition. I have never, ever cheated on her, but I can’t help thinking about what I’ve been missing.

Does this make me a bad person? Am I potentially breaking the vows of marriage by wanting what my wife has been unable to give me? Am I a bad husband or father for wishing every night for some time to myself other than in the wee hours when everyone’s asleep? I wish I knew how to have fun again. I’ve been spacing out at work and playing games on Facebook all the time, presumably from not being able to do so after work. Am I correct in assuming this? I don’t just want things for myself, though. I want my wife and I to go out and do things that I see everyone else doing. I hope and wish every weekend that she will be able to go out and the whole family can do something fun. But no, nearly every weekend we stay inside.

I am reaching out for help here. I feel like our lives are falling apart. How do I tell my sick wife how I feel without hurting her feelings? How can I feel like a whole person again without jeopardizing my family’s integrity? I would appreciate anybody’s input. I would really love to hear from somebody else out there.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I don't think you sound like a bad person. You sound like someone who is almost at their breaking point. Its hard to give and to never get back. I am military too, so I thought I would throw out a few questions.

Are you enrolled in EFMP for your wife? This can get your respite care and a whole other crap ton of help for her and the kids. My son is enrolled and they even had a camp on a four day weekend, for free, that took the whole family and did activities. Good ones, ziplining, fishing, putt putt golf, swimming, boating, horseback riding, etc. We did it in rotations, and they provided the food, boarding and even had baskets set up in the rooms with snacks and stuff. They have resources there, you just have to use them. 

The second thing I will tell you is that EFMP can help line you up with people who can help your family, on a volunteer basis. If you are looking for friends to come help clean your house, watch the kids, etc that is going to get old for them, epsecially when you both know that you aren't likely to be able to return the favor. EFMP can get you people that will understand the limitations and still help. 

Last on the list, you should use militaryonesource and see a counselor. You are depressed, with good reason to be, and you and your wife need to talk about appreciation. She needs to show you she appreciates what you do. You need to know that you aren't running yourself ragged just to be screamed at. Communication is key. And they can help you with that too.


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## kgrumbles (Jul 18, 2010)

Thank you for taking the time to read my post and reply back. I really appreciate it.

We already are enrolled in EFMP, and our kids attend day care and camp at a reduced rate they were able to get for us. This helps us because it's the respite care time that my wife needs to get better. I've never heard of our post holding an event like the 4-day weekend you described, but they were able to pay for a couple of "date nights" we went on. Unfortunately, I don't know when we'll be able to do that again on account of the limited funding the program gets at my station. It seems as if it's the combat bases with regularly deploying troops that get the boku bucks for their programs (which I'm totally cool with, we all need it).

They also tried looking into getting volunteers to come and help us, but there aren't any groups like that here. The best they could find was a Jewish family health services group who specialized in caring for the elderly. Everyone tells us we should just get out and make friends, but it's exceedingly difficult to do that when everyone keeps to themselves and we don't have a family readiness group. We would start one ourselves if my wife didn't feel like crap all the time.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Operation Military Kids hosted the camp thing, free of all cost. We weren't on a deploying base at that time either. They are out there, you just gotta really look for them. 

To really help I would have to know where you are ( what base) and thats breaking all the rules here, so I am gonna just stick with the general stuff. 

Try looking up Operation Military Kids and see if they have anything in your area. Use some of the reduced day care time to get you and the wife into counseling. I know she's sick, I know. BUT that doesn't mean that she can treat you like she is. She might need some IC as well, to deal with her issues, but she is pushing you farther and farther away. 

I have a friend that has a maid once a week, to come and do a deep clean. Is that something that you can afford to take some of the pressure off of yourself?? She pays like $75 a week for her. Maybe even every other week?


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## Lucilove (Jul 22, 2010)

Here is my take on things. Depression or anxiety or a combo of both is a very real thing. I have a family history of anxiety and it kicked in when I was about 36. I also had a problem with my testosterone levels which killed my sex drive and made me think I hated my husband. I tried many anti-depressants, got on a monthly testosterone shot and got my groove back. It took 5 years to figure out the right drug (Zoloft worked for me) so don't think it's an easy task.
The thing I appreciate about my husband is the way he has taken the bull by the horns with the kids in the mornings. Along with anti-depressants come side-effects. I have a hard time with mornings, I need my 8-9 hours sleep to be able to function. He does the morning shift so I can sleep. 
What I don't appreciate is the way he blames all our problems on my anxiety when I go off the pills as a break. Yes, I get cranky, the things that don't bug me while on the pills tend to really get me all pissed off. However, half of the time what pisses me off is what he says or does, which have nothing to do with my anxiety!
You around like a great guy, she needs to get on the right meds and let you have your breaks too.
Get out of the house, make friends and have some guy time. You will not survive this marriage if you don't take care of yourself. you are not a bad husband for needing a break, time to yourself, etc. Talk to her and express your needs, see a good Dr. that knows what good ****tails (meds) can help her and she will be normal again. Amazing what a little pill can do. Being tired in the mornings is a blessing compared to being a [email protected]$## to my husband and kids.
By the way, get some better friends. Your church group, school, military stuff, etc. Thanks for your service by the way.

Good luck


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