# very used to being on my own



## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

I was divorced for 10 years and have been married again for over a year. I became very used to being on my own. I had to learn to take care of myself both financially and emotionally over those years. 

I dated and even had a few serious relationships. When I was first divorced and dating, I became somewhat dependent on the men I dated emotionally (never financially). I didn't have a lot of hobbies and other than caring for my child, I wanted to spend my time with these men. I learned over time that men were much more interested in a woman with a life and definitely figured out what I was doing wrong, which was wanting to spend a lot of time with them. 

So over the 10 years and several heartbreaks when these men broke it off with me, I learned to have hobbies and really be on my own. I dud well in my job and moved up. I bought my own home. I raised my son to be a productive member of society. I started doing what I wanted, when I wanted. 

Then I met my husband. We dated and eventuality got married. I found it hard once we were living together, it was hard for me to get used to him being around all the time and having to share my home and things. It has been a tough year and a half for me. I love my husband and enjoy my time with him, but I learned to be so independent, its hard. I have even started having trouble with being intimately close, which was never a problem before.

I don't know what to do. I did get counseling years ago when I was single, but they helped me to learn to be independent. I don't want to go back to being dependent on a man emotionally. I feel that would just lead to heartache, as it always did in the past. I feel I have learned to protect myself emotionally from getting hurt. 

Also I make 3 times what my husband makes, so I feel like I'm carrying most of the load financially. So I sometimes feel resentful towards him for me shouldering most of the load.

Any suggestions for me to let down my guard and get closer to my husband?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheCrunch (Sep 3, 2012)

Could it be that, bearing in mind your past, you are now resistant to relinquishing some of your independence for fear he will lose interest and leave?

I think you need to first really work out *why *you resist letting go a bit and thereafter you can figure out *how *to gradually let go a bit. 

What does your H say/feel about your stance?


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

TheCrunch said:


> Could it be that, bearing in mind your past, you are now resistant to relinquishing some of your independence for fear he will lose interest and leave?
> 
> I think you need to first really work out *why *you resist letting go a bit and thereafter you can figure out *how *to gradually let go a bit.
> 
> What does your H say/feel about your stance?


Yes, I am sure that's why I am like this. In the past, men would have lots of interest at first and talk about long-term, etc, but they would lose interest the more I became interested in them. 

My husband is patient. I'm sure he wants me to get closer, though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Its hard to get close to someone you feel resentment towards. I'd deal with that problem before I addressed letting down your guard.


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> Its hard to get close to someone you feel resentment towards. I'd deal with that problem before I addressed letting down your guard.




I don't know how to deal with that problem. He is in school, but that will take years. Even then, he won't make my income. We don't live an extravagant lifestyle, but we live in a decent home in a good neighborhood, we eat out some and we take a vacation every year. I need to work on that part, but don't know how to start.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

being in love means you have share you emotions and be alittle vulunerable. you need to trust that he will do the same.

I don't care what anybody say when the woman make substancialy more money then there always a problem. 

if I was single after rasing a child and financially set I wouldn't get married. I see no reason for it other than to raise a family.


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

I understand Chilly.

I got married because I love my husband and wanted to spend my life with him. We don't want more children. I think there's more to marriage than children.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

Chilly, also I think I have good reason to worry about being vulnerable. Every man I was vulnerable to dumped me. So its hard for me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

tennisstar said:


> I understand Chilly.
> 
> I got married because I love my husband and wanted to spend my life with him. We don't want more children. I think there's more to marriage than children.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


then run with it and never look back . :smthumbup:


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

We couldn't afford the mortgage of 1200 a month on his salary. And I'm not living in a crappy house or scary neighborhood. I have to work. We need my income. Even after he gets out of school, we need my income.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

tennisstar said:


> Chilly, also I think I have good reason to worry about being vulnerable. Every man I was vulnerable to dumped me. So its hard for me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


the sensitive chilly here.


get over it! if you worry about it then your wasting time not enjoying it.

no easy answer either he feels the same or not.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Easier said than done but you first need to make peace with the fact that you are the breadwinner. That this was your choice. I'm sure you knew this before you married him.

Then I'd work on learning to be vulnerable. You realize being INvulnerable won't stop him from dumping you right?


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

Actually when we met, we were closer in salary. His company cut everyone's salary over 20 percent with one week notice. He has looked for another job, but without a degree, he can't find anything decent. That's why he's in school. 

My salary went up quite a bit with me nearing 6 figures now. 

I feel being vulnerable was a turn off to other men so maybe not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Something about this topic nobody sees?


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Look,

Being married is about being vulnerable with one another. That is a definition of love. If you can't be vulnerable with your spouse, you are already dooming the marriage.

Get back into counseling.


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## Corum (Jun 7, 2012)

Sounds similar to the problem I have with my wife.
She never married before me, my second marriage to her. She was 43.

She always did as she pleased; travelled the world by herself, lived overseas; did and bought what she wanted.

Now she is always lamenting all she had to give up. Wants more "space"..wants her own room to shut out me and my daughter when she visits...

I hope you can face your situation and can compromise with your husband better than my wife does...


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