# Hubbie constantly hurting me by looking at others online



## just another unhappy wife (Sep 14, 2012)

I am looking for someone, who's husband - despite promising time and again that he would - just doesn't stop looking at sexy babes online. For the longest time he used to watch porn, now it's "only" pics of naked or half naked blondes :-( He keeps telling me he loves me and me only - I keep telling him it still hurts and bothers me quite a bit and so on and so on. Every time I find this BS in his history, I get this big lump in my throat, I just can't cope with this! Oh, I know it could be worse, but to me this is something that really eats me. Anybody been there?


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

What's the rest of your marriage like?


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## just another unhappy wife (Sep 14, 2012)

He says he's happy - not being able to believe him anymore makes me unhappy... in general I thought we were doing good though :-( Only been married for 3 yrs, both coming from horrible former relationships. I'm pretty sure we do love each other - and I really tried to accept him constantly looking, trying to not make anything of it; but it's just making me sick, thinking I'm not "the one and only" he likes to look at :-( But no, other than that, I can't really put my finger on any problem in particular


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Guys are going to look. We're visual.

For a long time my wife was overweight but to me she was beautiful. Did I look at pictures of other women? Yes. Did I wish my wife looked more like them? Yes I did. But I liked the one I had.

I also look at pictures of expensive motorcycles. Do I wish my motorcycle looked like them? Sure do. But I like the one I have.


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## just another unhappy wife (Sep 14, 2012)

Exactly my point/fear: you like you bike because the one you'd really like to have you know you'll never get. This is just how I feel about my husband looking - like he claims he loves me because he knows he'll never get his hands on a woman like that anyway. So does that make me feel good? No... So would you say no and stick with your old bike if you won the lotterie and could ride the one you've been looking at for the longest time? Pretty sure anybody would. And that's what I'm afraid of: being better than nothing :-(


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

just another unhappy wife said:


> Exactly my point/fear: you like you bike because the one you'd really like to have you know you'll never get. This is just how I feel about my husband looking - like* he claims he loves me because he knows he'll never get his hands on a woman like that anyway*. So does that make me feel good? No... So would you say no and stick with your old bike if you won the lotterie and could ride the one you've been looking at for the longest time? Pretty sure anybody would. And that's what I'm afraid of: being better than nothing :-(


How does he treat you?? Is your sex life good? Did he actually say the bolded to you?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

just another unhappy wife said:


> He says he's happy - not being able to believe him anymore makes me unhappy... in general I thought we were doing good though :-( Only been married for 3 yrs, both coming from horrible former relationships. I'm pretty sure we do love each other - and* I really tried to accept him constantly looking, trying to not make anything of it; but it's just making me sick, thinking I'm not "the one and only" he likes to look at* :-( But no, other than that, I can't really put my finger on any problem in particular


Maybe some counseling can help you with this. It sounds like you're very insecure, and honestly that could come from a combination of things. His overall treatment of you is only one part of it, but maybe this feeling comes from somewhere that has nothing to do with your husband at all.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> Maybe some counseling can help you with this. It sounds like you're very insecure, and honestly that could come from a combination of things. His overall treatment of you is only one part of it, but maybe this feeling comes from somewhere that has nothing to do with your husband at all.


 :iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Putting the picture looking aside..... how do YOU feel about yourself? How high would you rate your self esteem/image? 

At my lowest point in life (self esteem wise) I was very unhappy if the man I was with was looking at porn or would glance at an attractive woman. I was very hypersensitive. But now that I have built up my selfesteem with losing weight and being less codependent on men it doesn't bother me so much anymore. Don't get me wrong, I still feel a little sting when I'm with a man that glances at a pretty waitress but it goes away. Because truth be told I do my share of looking as well. It doesn't mean I don't think my bf is unattractive and it doesn't mean I'd rather have that other guy. Because there is SO MUCH MORE that goes into a person than their looks. Just like there is so much more to you than what you look like on the outside. Your husband doesn't want to know these women. He wants to love and know YOU! 

Using th example Chris gave...... he loves his bike. Another more expensive bike may be nice to look at but he loves his bike because he knows it intimately. He has worked on it, washed it, cared for it and relied on it for a long time. Why would he ever want to give that up for something more superficial? 

I am not minimizing your feelings on this at all. Please don't misunderstand because I have been there and done that. I'm just saying that sometimes the feelings we have start from within. 

Hugs.


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## just another unhappy wife (Sep 14, 2012)

Oh, I pretty much know where the feeling is coming from - I don't exactly look the same after having had a baby at the age of 40. I did get rid of a lot of weight again, but a lot of my body will just never look like it used to :-( So yes: I don't exactly like myself these days and that doesn't help my self esteem :-( This is why him saying oh how I'm everything to him and at the same time doing things he knows get to me so bad just disappoint me so much :-(


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## TheCrunch (Sep 3, 2012)

I am not clear if he is addicted to on-line porn and trying to give up. 

If yes, this might be relevant.
Dealing with Addiction to Porn: Know the Different Stages

Alternatively is it that he looks at some porn now and then (nothing excessive) but you don't want him to look at porn at all. In this case, I think CT above is right and you should try to look at ways of boosting your own self confidence so that you are not bothered by it so much, if you can. He can help you with this by reassuring you.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

just another unhappy wife said:


> Oh, I pretty much know where the feeling is coming from - I don't exactly look the same after having had a baby at the age of 40. I did get rid of a lot of weight again, but a lot of my body will just never look like it used to :-( So yes: * I don't exactly like myself these days and that doesn't help my self esteem *:-( This is why him saying oh how I'm everything to him and at the same time doing things he knows get to me so bad just disappoint me so much :-(


This is something you need to fix within yourself. If you feel better about yourself, then his checking chicks out wouldn't bother you. You're trying to compete with his imagination and control his thoughts. You can't win that one. He's married to YOU and loves YOU. YOU are who he has chosen. 

I do think some therapy would help you to accept yourself.

ETA: Also, taking time to care for yourself can be helpful. You don't like how you look? Do something productive about it. Start a workout plan, change your eating habits... take action.


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## just another unhappy wife (Sep 14, 2012)

Yep, I've thought about him being addicted - yet he says he isn't, he says he can give it up any time if needed, and yes: continuously promises he will in order to make me happy. And then a few days later, I find it on his comp again. Thing is: he knows I'm searching, so why doesn't he at least delete it? That's what's getting to me: not so much the pix, but the fact that he knows he's hurting me and does it anyway :-(


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## just another unhappy wife (Sep 14, 2012)

Accepting I'm not 20 anymore would definitely be easier if he could make me feel I'm beautiful the way I am. But checking out others just does the opposite I'm afraid :-(


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

just another unhappy wife said:


> Yep, I've thought about him being addicted - yet he says he isn't, he says he can give it up any time if needed, and yes: continuously promises he will in order to make me happy. And then a few days later, I find it on his comp again. Thing is: he knows I'm searching, so why doesn't he at least delete it? That's what's getting to me: not so much the pix, but the fact that he knows he's hurting me and does it anyway :-(


Would this really satisfy you though? Think about it. If he removed the computer from the house, would that be enough for you? Would you feel better? Be honest.


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## just another unhappy wife (Sep 14, 2012)

Nope - it wouldn't cut it... that's why I really don't know what to think: how can I believe he quit it, just because I don't see it anymore.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

just another unhappy wife said:


> Nope - it wouldn't cut it... that's why I really don't know what to think: how can I believe he quit it, just because I don't see it anymore.


Well it's very clear (to me anyway) that this is YOUR issue. He's damned if he do and damned if he don't. That's not fair to him.

Take ownership and do something about this.


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## just another unhappy wife (Sep 14, 2012)

So you're saying I need therapy because he deliberately keeps breaking his promise. Why doesn't he just say he's not going to quit so I can take it from there? It's HIM who keeps disappointing me


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## TheCrunch (Sep 3, 2012)

How much time is he spending on porn? 

Does he say he will give it up completely, or that he will spend less time? 

If it's the latter, how would you feel about this?


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

8 out of 10 men look at porn regularly. You are asking him to be extraordinary and I don't think that is fair. We all have the right to masturbate and I think it is reasonable to use legal pornography to help us do that. 

Humans, and men in particular, are biologically programmed to have sex with multiple partners. Porn and masturbation help us to overcome that instinct and be faithful to our partners. 

Of course you are hurt because he breaks his promises, but are you requests fair and is it a good idea for this healthy outlet to be closed off?


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## just another unhappy wife (Sep 14, 2012)

I'm not uptight or anything - I have told him we could watch together. But he said he would give it up and yes: completely. I didn't ask that from him at any time - I just wanted to know why, but he offered to quit if that makes me happy.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Erasing his history make things worse. I know its something I am facing in my marriage. I got used to looking at porn, Facebook and other online images. My wife found all my skeletons in the closet. I hurt her real bad. I thought erasing was the way to go. Made matters worse. I was stubborn cause there was so many things my wife did in our marriage in the past I felt I was justified to look at online videos and other women from the past. It wasn't until I really bought into therapy and looked at it from my wife perspective that I completely stopped. We have full transparency now. But even with that my wife has been hurt. Goes through my phone like a FBI agent. I am trying to be very careful staying away from any and all images. But its not easy. The world we live in is full of these images. I can only tell you is you is your husband most likely loves you very much and needs to cool out on the online stuff. But you need to place you energy elsewhere also. Workout, go out with friends, don't let this consume you. Good luck. Hope everything works out for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## just another unhappy wife (Sep 14, 2012)

@ Johnny: Why can't he do all that WITH me?


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

A Bit Much said:


> Well it's very clear (to me anyway) that this is YOUR issue. He's damned if he do and damned if he don't. That's not fair to him.
> 
> Take ownership and do something about this.


He has repeatedly made her the same promise and lied. It will take some time for her to believe that he no longer lies, should he choose to stop doing so. He will have to earn her trust back no matter how this pans out (she accepts the porn or he gets rid of it). Lying is another issue entirely.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

just another unhappy wife said:


> So you're saying I need therapy because he deliberately keeps breaking his promise. Why doesn't he just say he's not going to quit so I can take it from there? It's HIM who keeps disappointing me


No, I'm saying you need therapy to deal with your insecurities. He can do what you want him to do and you still wouldn't feel good about yourself, you just admitted that.

Lookit. I'm 42. It sucks getting older. I have 2 kids. It sucks watching your body go through all the crazyass changes and not knowing what you'll wake up aching with. Wrinkles, grey hairs, hail damage suddenly appearing in your thighs... yes it really does suck.

But.

There are things you can do about some of that. I joined a healthclub and got my behind on an elliptical 3 or 4 times a week. I walk more. I eat healthy. I try (though menopause keeps fighting me!) to get more sleep. I take care of myself. I don't leave that up to my husband... my self esteem is MY responsibility to maintain. 

What will you do about yours? You have asked your husband to stop, he's not going to. Now what?


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## just another unhappy wife (Sep 14, 2012)

@ Richie Thank you! So it is possible to do without, if your marriage means something to you. Congratulations of having made it (although she still HAS to go through your stuff) ;-)


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

WhereAmI said:


> He has repeatedly made her the same promise and lied. It will take some time for her to believe that he no longer lies, should he choose to stop doing so. He will have to earn her trust back no matter how this pans out (she accepts the porn or he gets rid of it). *Lying is another issue entirely.*_Posted via Mobile Device_


The bolded is very true.

So is her self-esteem. She can't control anything he does... right or wrong. She has complete control of herself though. Maybe the man has an addiction... so if that is identified and not owned by him, what is she to do with that? What CAN she do with that?


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

just another unhappy wife said:


> @ Johnny: Why can't he do all that WITH me?


I think there is a time to do it together and a time to do it alone. 

The point is that we ALL do it, so making him promise not to is setting yourselves up for conflict. He should have the guts to tell the truth and say he is going to masturbate for the rest of his life and you should accept that.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

He should tell you he will do his best to stop looking at online images but he should NOT promise you to never look again. Its a promise he can't make. No man can guarantee that. All this access has not been great for a relationship. I do believe we, as men are wired to look.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Sorry but if he stops looking at all this stuff on-line, will the next issue be he's looking at women when they are grocery shopping?

I look. My wife knows. She looks too. as long as we both end up next to the other in bed that night, that's what matters the most

I too think some IC is in order.

How is your sex life? Has it tappered off or are you trying to kick it up a notch to try and keep him focused on you?


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

People do not normally change unless there is a consequence for their behavior. If you feel his behavior is hurting you and the marriage you need to set a consequence and boundary for that issue. I'm not saying it will make him stop for sure, BUT right now he probably just thinks you're blowing in the wind.


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## Jeapordy (Aug 12, 2012)

Your husband isn't trying to hurt you. He thinks you are being unreasonable or irrational, and instead of dealing with the argument of trying to show you that you are over reacting, he is telling you what you want to hear.
Is there anything he could tell you that would make you believe him that there is nothing wrong with him looking at these pictures? If not, then he can either give up something that isn't violating any marriage vows, is legal, is socially acceptable and something he likes, or he can tell you a lie.
Don't put him in that position because you have created a lose-lose situation.
The best option here is to work on your own self esteem and tell him what he can do to help that is more feasible than giving up something he likes. 
The more you try and keep him from looking at other women in pictures, the more he is going to want to do it and the more he will find ways to do it behind your back. 
You can't be with him 24 hours a day and you can't control everything he looks at, and you shouldn't try.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

I find these situations to be kind of like a no win situation. The husband may give up what he is doing because the wife said so, doesn't like it, etc. Not because he wants to or should. So chances are he will build up resentment towards her over it. Same with the wife. She may learn to "deal" with or settle for what he continues to do that she feels is unacceptable, so chances are she may build up resentment because its not how she truly feels and settled ,or the outcome wasn't how she felt it should be. 

I have no real advice or suggestion for these types of situations I don't guess. Because it seems someone somewhere along with way, will harbor that anger/resentment or what anger and resentment may already be present, will grow and then it turns into a worse mess than before.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

The fact that you have such a problem with something so unimportant says that this is just a symptom of bigger problems. Either you have big issues in your relationship such that you've lost your emotional connection and you're afraid, or you simply have low self-esteem. Forget about the sexy babies he looks at and figure out what the real issue is.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Drover said:


> The fact that you have such a problem with something so unimportant says that this is just a symptom of bigger problems.


Perhaps she doesn't feel its unimportant. And yes, there might be other underlying issues going on or bigger problems, but people can't help how they feel. And what might be unimportant to one person might be important to another.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Jamison said:


> Perhaps she doesn't feel its unimportant. And yes, there might be other underlying issues going on or bigger problems, but people can't help how they feel. And what might be unimportant to one person might be important to another.


That was my point. Why does she feel this way? That's what needs to be addressed.

And yes, people DO have the ability to identify feelings that are not useful and let go of them.


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## TheCrunch (Sep 3, 2012)

You say you didn't ask/tell him to never look at porn again but that he offered to stop completely. No doubt he did that coz he wants to tell you what he thinks you want to hear, not coz he intends to give it up.

I think you now need to clarify to him that you understand that it would be difficult for most men to give up porn entirely (I take it you do indeed appreciate this?) and that you would like him to view less porn but are *not* expecting him to eradicate it from his life entirely. Then leave it at that. 

Stop checking his history and instead spend time on changing yourself, upping your self esteem and *choosing *to be happy regardless of whether or not he is watching porn. For sure he resents you for making him feel like he has to promise to give it up (even though you did not insist on this).

I think once he see a new more positive you he will be more drawn to you, and more drawn away from the porn - that is not to say he will give it up completely. 

Regarding stopping checking his history, I guess it will be as difficult for you to stop checking as it would be for your H to give up the porn. If this is true for you, cut back on how often you check. If it's everyday, cut back to twice a week, then once a week and gradually try and wean yourself off checking. 

Someone asked how your sex life was - share if you feel comfortable. 

Meantime, do *let *yourself be happy. Can't stress this enough. It's your job to let yourself be happy - not his.

Link below is about finding happiness within yourself.
http://ripplemaker.hubpages.com/_ES2/hub/The-Path-to-Happiness-How-I-Found-Happiness-Within-Myself


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## rosebud56 (Sep 15, 2012)

You know I am going thru somthing very similar. My husband is 7 yrs younger than me and he also looks up porn, jacks off and then wants me to "hold him", be more loving. I am really too old to do this crap. I don't get why a grown man has to subject himself to this. I undertsand he feels rejected sine I have no sexual feelings anymore since going thu menopause but to me he is disrespecing me, us, this marriage by continually doing what he is doing. He does nothing around this house but watch TV and looks up porn. I am VERY frustrated. I do undertand totally how you are feeling.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Yes this woman needs to get better about her self image. She has admitted that and if she is serious then she will do something about that. Now to address the issue she posted in her thread 
* “Hubbie constantly hurting me by looking at others online”*

The husband knows that his porn watching and lying is hurting his wife. He says that he loves her; those two do not match up. If he loves her why is he doing something that hurts her?

Is he addicted? Does he care more for porn that he does that he is hurting his wife? 

I do not buy that the wife should just accept that he watches porn and then lies about it. *Because the wife needs to get better about her self image does not change the fact that the husband is doing something that is hurting his wife and that is not an action that convinces anyone that it is love*.


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## TheCrunch (Sep 3, 2012)

OP - When you ask him why he lies about it what does he say?


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

I know exactly how you are feeling and it has nothing to do with insecurity but a whole lot to do with disrespect. It's hard to believe I am the one he wants when he is befriending 200 + bimbos on myspace or facebook and leaving dirty or sugggestive messages on their photos ( naked, or nearly naked photos). Frankly I'd be happier if he was watching porn but he is having one on one communication with these women. He did it over and over...each time promising to quit. After a two month separation we are trying to work it out and i think he has stopped...for now anyway. I'm not sure I'll ever trust him again, and I'm not even sure I'll love him again the way I used to. It sucks because I don't feel my hearts in it anymore.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Blaming the OP for this issue bothering her, and suggesting she needs therapy because she doesn't like her husband's porn use, I think is counter-productive. Could IC or MC help this issue, sure - but it doesn't fix the basic problem - she feels the constant trolling for pics of hotties is disrespectful, further her husband makes promises and constantly fails to follow through on them. The moment someone says, "I could stop anytime I wanted to", but then obviously can't, that's a red flag. 

Further, throwing out off-handed comments that porn fills a biological imperative to stop people from cheating, I think it is also a big cop-out. If people are biologically driven to mate with many partners, why does the reality of that bother so many male posters, in which there are countless threads about people being bothered about a wife/girlfriends "number." That discovering the per-relationship "number" years after the fact ruins marriages, and people ponder divorce because they feel that strongly about it. Shouldn't people be similarly biologically wired to accept that? 

OP - I'd suggest you need to think about doing things that will make you feel better about yourself. Even though, yes, there is the possibility that your body won't be exactly the same as before, you don't need to just decide it's hopeless and give up. 

While increasingly your self-image may or may not ultimately change your feelings about your husband's porn use, it will no doubt help you. Think about joining a gym, take some time to work on yourself. As others say, ultimately, you can't change your husband. 

In combination, yes, some individual and marriage counseling could be in order - so you can deal with your insecure feelings, and the two of you can discuss what this means to you, and the lying factor, and determine what to do about it. As the currently system of it bothering you, you confronting him, him promising to stop, and that being a lie, isn't working, but is making things work.


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## rosebud56 (Sep 15, 2012)

Thats exactly how I feel! You hit the nail on the head for me. How do you continue to live that way, not trusting the person in the same house?


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

just another unhappy wife said:


> So you're saying I need therapy because he deliberately keeps breaking his promise. Why doesn't he just say he's not going to quit so I can take it from there? It's HIM who keeps disappointing me


 
Some people mistake the word INSECURE with the word OFFENDED. You might be damn offended by it and not insecure so if he has to keep lying about it yes, he has the problem not you.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

It is normal and natural fora woman or a man to not want their partner to become sexually aroused by other people (images or otherwise). 

It does not make you insecure. Often the most insecure people will allow others to treat them badly and walk all over their boundaries for fear their partner may leave them. Most secure people have no trouble stating their boundaries and sticking to them.

I am so sick of reading, men can't help it, they need variety etc etc. This is untrue. Society has given men the excuse that anything goes in this day and age unless you are actually physically having sex with another person, and if you have a problem with that you are prude or insecure. That however is rubbish. 

Men may be biologically wired to spread their seed, and notice the opposite sex, but women are also biologically programmed to find the fittest male and best provider, oh however do we resist the urge to constantly upgrade?

Men and women have a choice over their actions and can instead choose to treat the opposite sex with respect, and put their spouse ahead of their own selfish wants. We all have a choice.

And every time we choose to focus sexually on someone else, I believe it is damaging to human pair bonding. If we put that effort into our spouse every time we are tempted to turn our attentions away, imagine how wonderful our relationships could be.

People will continue to make excuses for poor behaviour, but OP you are not wrong in YOUR feelings.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Drover said:


> The fact that you have such a problem with something so unimportant says that this is just a symptom of bigger problems. Either you have big issues in your relationship such that you've lost your emotional connection and you're afraid, or you simply have low self-esteem. Forget about the sexy babies he looks at and figure out what the real issue is.


This issue is far from unimportant, it hurts many women and harms many marriages, porn addiction, and issues stemming from porn usage are huge problems in so many marriages, in fact it is one of the biggest reasons people seek marital counselling today.

Part of the problem is that people excuse it, and minimise other peoples feelings on this subject to suit their own agenda and sexual wants rather then look at the issue for what it really is.


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## rosebud56 (Sep 15, 2012)

My husband also looks at ALOT of porn and never fesses up to it. When he does admit it, he says he doesn't know why he does it all the time. He does nothing else around this house but he can sure search porn site and he even has a small convertable hard drive full of porn so he can masterbate off to it. Early in our he was talking to other men in porn chat rooms about soliciting MY daughter. I caught this while looking at his history and confronted him. I was furious about this and told him if he did that again that I would walk out. Well quess what!!!! He did it again and even send pics of my daughter (then at age 16). I lost all respect for him and surely cannot trust him. I should have left then, but had no where to go and am too embarred to talk to my mom (who is 84) about what he did and is still doing. I also am going thru menopause which doesn;t help my dislike for him. We have nothing in common anymore and are just playing house. I can't stand being around this man for the most part. This so called "habit" will never stop..he doesn't care what I say or apparently how i feel about what he continues to do. I am so shocked at how many other females are going thru the same issues as myself.Its good to have a venting place. Any help would be great..your imput would be greatly apprectiated.


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## notfeelingthetrust (Sep 19, 2012)

I have been in this situation and know the disgust you feel, alot of people try to turn it around on you self esteem, My belief is that if he's disrepecting you, and has no regards to your feelings, I know this because I am going through it and went to counseling because he was telling me all the things that does leave you to think your crazy or to even start doubting your own belief, So I decided to it is my feelings and he's got to respect that, sure it might be harmless, but it comes to how it makes you feel in your relationship with him, not what everyone esle thinks could be wrong, I am a very pretty woman but do to having kids, and not realizing until a few years ago my health matters, but some things you cann't change without sugery, I shouldn't be looked down on, you need to set your point of how much you can take and if goes beyond that then there are consquences, I'm going through some **** now, and don't know what to do but I do know the lord which is what I believe in will help, marriage is work and shouldn't be given up on easily and not based off everyone's opinion. this is just an opinion. I wish you the best of luck.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

rosebud56 said:


> My husband also looks at ALOT of porn and never fesses up to it. When he does admit it, he says he doesn't know why he does it all the time. He does nothing else around this house but he can sure search porn site and he even has a small convertable hard drive full of porn so he can masterbate off to it. Early in our he was talking to other men in porn chat rooms about soliciting MY daughter. I caught this while looking at his history and confronted him. I was furious about this and told him if he did that again that I would walk out. Well quess what!!!! He did it again and even send pics of my daughter (then at age 16). I lost all respect for him and surely cannot trust him. I should have left then, but had no where to go and am too embarred to talk to my mom (who is 84) about what he did and is still doing. I also am going thru menopause which doesn;t help my dislike for him. We have nothing in common anymore and are just playing house. I can't stand being around this man for the most part. This so called "habit" will never stop..he doesn't care what I say or apparently how i feel about what he continues to do. I am so shocked at how many other females are going thru the same issues as myself.Its good to have a venting place. Any help would be great..your imput would be greatly apprectiated.


My input is that your husband needs to be reported to the authorities and in jail.

And you need to kick him out. 

Oh my goodness. How can you stay with a man who would do that to your own daughter? Please protect your daughter from him.

He has turned you into his babysitter, eeewww. He is a very very sick man. I feel ill reading this.


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## shenox (Sep 12, 2012)

I think your husband is telling the truth. Lot of men doing it. Most of the time their wives doesn't know. As I think he really doesn't want to be with the women in those pics, just looking.


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

rosebud56 said:


> My husband also looks at ALOT of porn and never fesses up to it. When he does admit it, he says he doesn't know why he does it all the time. He does nothing else around this house but he can sure search porn site and he even has a small convertable hard drive full of porn so he can masterbate off to it. Early in our he was talking to other men in porn chat rooms about soliciting MY daughter. I caught this while looking at his history and confronted him. I was furious about this and told him if he did that again that I would walk out. Well quess what!!!! He did it again and even send pics of my daughter (then at age 16). I lost all respect for him and surely cannot trust him. I should have left then, but had no where to go and am too embarred to talk to my mom (who is 84) about what he did and is still doing. I also am going thru menopause which doesn;t help my dislike for him. We have nothing in common anymore and are just playing house. I can't stand being around this man for the most part. This so called "habit" will never stop..he doesn't care what I say or apparently how i feel about what he continues to do. I am so shocked at how many other females are going thru the same issues as myself.Its good to have a venting place. Any help would be great..your imput would be greatly apprectiated.




You should be brave. This is your daughter. Your child. You might not want to admit it, but that man is a child molester. Actually I suspect you already know this, because you posted with a bit of disgust and resentment in your post.

As for the porn thing, I try to brush it off myself, but you know what I do now? I subscribed to hot guys on facebook and make sure he knows. I wasn't into them, I just grabbed the mainstream guys, like channing tatum, ian solmerholder or whatever. Modelesque guys. I made him feel what he made me feel. Sometimes it's good to have them put the shoe on the other foot!


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

JAUW Make you his addiction. Sexy is not just a look it’s an attitude. Show him the confidence you have to rock his world Trim your trim if you have not. Give him a little bit more at a time. Something new and unexpected Show him your desire Communicate your needs and what you are capable to for him.
Believe me his mind will re adjust to reality very soon. The real thing is the real thing. You are great age for a women (40) most women of that age have a greater sexual awakening. None of us or very very few of us look like we did years ago. Lights out we all look the same if you want greater intimacy light a single candle 
HAVE FUN ALWAYS


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## MarieZ (Mar 23, 2013)

just another unhappy wife said:


> I am looking for someone, who's husband - despite promising time and again that he would - just doesn't stop looking at sexy babes online. For the longest time he used to watch porn, now it's "only" pics of naked or half naked blondes :-( He keeps telling me he loves me and me only - I keep telling him it still hurts and bothers me quite a bit and so on and so on. Every time I find this BS in his history, I get this big lump in my throat, I just can't cope with this! Oh, I know it could be worse, but to me this is something that really eats me. Anybody been there?


Yes and I hate it. I have caught my man looking at porn while I was lying on the couch lonely. 

It is a matter of respect for me. If you know it hurts me stop it.


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## Ignis (Feb 16, 2013)

It is time to make some serious steps! It is very important how you feel in your marriage and please, take this seriously.

You must also understand that your hubby is probably struggling with an addiction, even if he won't admit it.

So, your voice in your marriage must be heard, your husband must know how you feel and must be fully aware he is hurting you with his behaviour. If he ignores that, than you should set strong boundaries and save yourself.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

just another unhappy wife said:


> I am looking for someone, who's husband - despite promising time and again that he would - just doesn't stop looking at sexy babes online. For the longest time he used to watch porn, now it's "only" pics of naked or half naked blondes :-( He keeps telling me he loves me and me only - I keep telling him it still hurts and bothers me quite a bit and so on and so on. Every time I find this BS in his history, I get this big lump in my throat, I just can't cope with this! Oh, I know it could be worse, but to me this is something that really eats me. Anybody been there?


As someone who has been cutoff from sex for a year now despite wining and dining my wife here and there and trying to be nice - but still getting rejected, I of course enjoy watching porn when she's not around and taking care of personal needs myself until she is "ready" I guess. And she is unaware I am doing it and I constantly erase my browsing history so that it doesn't become yet something else we fight about, and if she's going to cut me off and be cold to me then I have no guilt at all about watching it.


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## LouAnn Poovy (Mar 21, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> This is something you need to fix within yourself. * If you feel better about yourself, then his checking chicks out wouldn't bother you. * You're trying to compete with his imagination and control his thoughts. You can't win that one. He's married to YOU and loves YOU. YOU are who he has chosen.
> 
> I do think some therapy would help you to accept yourself.
> 
> ETA: Also, taking time to care for yourself can be helpful. You don't like how you look? Do something productive about it. Start a workout plan, change your eating habits... take action.


That's a bold statement. I feel great about myself. But I still wouldn't appreciate my man drooling over other women. That has nothing to do with my self esteem.


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## LouAnn Poovy (Mar 21, 2013)

Drover said:


> The fact that you have such a problem with something so unimportant says that this is just a symptom of bigger problems. Either you have big issues in your relationship such that you've lost your emotional connection and you're afraid, or you simply have low self-esteem. Forget about the sexy babies he looks at and figure out what the real issue is.


Wrong. It is a problem for her. It is an important problem for her. Why are you minimizing this? It may not be a problem for you, or for other people, but it bothers this lady. 

A knee jerk reaction of it's your self esteem, you are afraid, etc is just not helpful. Maybe it is self esteem, but just maybe it isn't.


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## LouAnn Poovy (Mar 21, 2013)

*LittleDeer* said:


> *This issue is far from unimportant, it hurts many women and harms many marriages, porn addiction, and issues stemming from porn usage are huge problems in so many marriages, in fact it is one of the biggest reasons people seek marital counselling today.*
> 
> Part of the problem is that people excuse it, and minimise other peoples feelings on this subject to suit their own agenda and sexual wants rather then look at the issue for what it really is.


I know of at least 2 couples in therapy for this. I don't know all the details (thank God), but the porn has both these couples on the brink of divorce. The women claim it's harmful to the relationship, the men say it's no big deal, everyone does it. Which of course, is the same argument children give for doing something too. Everyone does it! 

Everyone doesn't use porn. It's NOT natural to be able to look up hundreds of nude, sex performing people, any time of day. That's NOT normal or natural. It's reality, but far from normal. 

Years ago was porn addiction even a problem? Before free internet porn? Before you could sit in your home and browse and browse for hours on end?


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Cee Paul said:


> As someone who has been cutoff from sex for a year now despite wining and dining my wife here and there and trying to be nice - but still getting rejected, I of course enjoy watching porn when she's not around and taking care of personal needs myself until she is "ready" I guess. And she is unaware I am doing it and I constantly erase my browsing history so that it doesn't become yet something else we fight about, and if she's going to cut me off and be cold to me then I have no guilt at all about watching it.


So is CeePaul a porn addict? A warm able male willing and able to have sex with his wife but is continued to be denied? Seems like there is many of these cases also.


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## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

richie33 said:


> So is CeePaul a porn addict? A warm able male willing and able to have sex with his wife but is continued to be denied? Seems like there is many of these cases also.


The question should be, which came first, the wife not having sex with CeePaul or CeePaul watching porn. 

I bet I know the answer.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

You could come up with your opinion sure.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

anony2 said:


> The question should be, which came first, the wife not having sex with CeePaul or CeePaul watching porn.
> 
> I bet I know the answer.


What came first was being totally cut off which has me watching it regularly, but if my situation were more like the one with my ex who loooooved sex all the time then I wouldn't even think about watching any. I was with her about 2.50 years and watched it maybe twice the whole time, and the problem with her wasn't in the bedroom but was the fact she became crazy and out of control and physically attacked me.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

LouAnn Poovy said:


> That's a bold statement. I feel great about myself. But I still wouldn't appreciate my man drooling over other women. That has nothing to do with my self esteem.


Checking out and drooling are two different things in my book. One is outright disrespectful, the other is coincedental.

I check women out myself. I'm not poking my husbands eyes out for doing the same thing.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

My wife and I have a rule where she's allowed to have a mad crush on any celebrity dude and me any female celeb, and she has went with The Rock(Dewayne Johnson) and Bradley Cooper(from the Hangover movies) which I can fully understand and have no chance competing with in the looks department.


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## LouAnn Poovy (Mar 21, 2013)

Cee Paul said:


> As someone who has been cutoff from sex for a year now despite wining and dining my wife here and there and trying to be nice - but still getting rejected, I of course enjoy watching porn when she's not around and taking care of personal needs myself until she is "ready" I guess. And she is unaware I am doing it and I constantly erase my browsing history so that it doesn't become yet something else we fight about, and if she's going to cut me off and be cold to me then I have no guilt at all about watching it.


*Is your wife in love with you? Personally, if I don't want sex with my SO, it's absolutely not about the sex but about the relationship. It's off the track, jumped the cliff, or something!*


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## LouAnn Poovy (Mar 21, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> Checking out and drooling are two different things in my book. One is outright disrespectful, the other is coincedental.
> 
> I check women out myself. I'm not poking my husbands eyes out for doing the same thing.


*:redcard:*

*I do not condone eye pokes for anyone!! *


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## LouAnn Poovy (Mar 21, 2013)

Cee Paul said:


> My wife and I have a rule where she's allowed to have a mad crush on any celebrity dude and me any female celeb, and she has went with The Rock(Dewayne Johnson) and Bradley Cooper(from the Hangover movies) which I can fully understand and have no chance competing with in the looks department.


*
That's so darn cute -- you allow each other crushes. What next, potty breaks at will?? This is a slippery slope you are twirling on.  
*


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## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

maybe you should stop huring yourself by looking @ his browser history.

guys are gonna look. when they stop is when you should be worried!


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## LouAnn Poovy (Mar 21, 2013)

MarieZ said:


> Yes and I hate it. I have caught my man looking at porn while I was lying on the couch lonely.
> 
> It is a matter of respect for me. If you know it hurts me stop it.


*So, what did you do, as you catch him with his hand on his cookie? *


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

rosebud56 said:


> You know I am going thru somthing very similar. My husband is 7 yrs younger than me and he also looks up porn, jacks off and then wants me to "hold him", be more loving. I am really too old to do this crap. I don't get why a grown man has to subject himself to this. I undertsand he feels rejected sine I have no sexual feelings anymore since going thu menopause but to me he is disrespecing me, us, this marriage by continually doing what he is doing. He does nothing around this house but watch TV and looks up porn. I am VERY frustrated. I do undertand totally how you are feeling.


You've got to be kidding me.

:scratchhead:


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

How the **** did this thread go from "looking at pictures of blondes" to "He's a porn addict!"

Sorry ladies you have problems..


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## LouAnn Poovy (Mar 21, 2013)

ATC529R said:


> maybe you should stop huring yourself by looking @ his browser history.
> 
> guys are gonna look. when they stop is when you should be worried!


*Yes stopping looking. That makes the whole issue go away! 

(I'm being sarcastic. This solves nothing. I don't think it's a good thing to pretend everything is ok, when it's not.)*


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## LouAnn Poovy (Mar 21, 2013)

tacoma said:


> How the **** did this thread go from "looking at pictures of blondes" to "He's a porn addict!"
> 
> Sorry ladies you have problems..


It wasn't as simply as you suggest Tacoma.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

LouAnn Poovy said:


> It wasn't as simply as you suggest Tacoma.


Yeah actually it was....

All the OP said was her H was looking at pics of chicks and 10 posts later we've got links to porn addiction sites.

Just saying it's a bit over the top.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

tacoma said:


> Sorry ladies you have problems..


No, we have the problem Tacoma. 70% of the adult male population of the Western world are 'potential rapists' disgusting, sleazy, get off on the 'degradation and objectification' of women and approve of sex trafficking. Because ALL porn degrades and objectifies women, even if it doesn't have women in it. All porn stars are raped and coerced and none of them has the wherewithal to get out of the porn industry. Get it right Tacoma.


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## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

LouAnn Poovy said:


> *Yes stopping looking. That makes the whole issue go away!
> 
> *


LOL.

you do realize thats what shes asking of him right.


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## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

johnnycomelately said:


> No, we have the problem Tacoma. 70% of the adult male population of the Western world are 'potential rapists' disgusting, sleazy, get off on the 'degradation and objectification' of women and approve of sex trafficking. Because ALL porn degrades and objectifies women, even if it doesn't have women in it. All porn stars are raped and coerced and none of them has the wherewithal to get out of the porn industry. Get it right Tacoma.


69% would have sounded so much better.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

ATC529R said:


> 69% would have sounded so much better.


1% are lying cowards.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

To the OP, I hope this link helps you:

Before You End Your Marriage Over Porn -- Is Watching Pornography Okay?

And this one:

http://sexuality.about.com/od/sexualhealthqanda/f/faqwatchporn.htm


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I find this thread amusing. We had a thread on here the other day in which a woman was writing erotic novels to earn a living. Her husband objected to it saying that it made her no better than a porn star or a prostitute.

Now keep in mind that her judgmental husband is an avid watcher/user of porn. But in his eyes that's ok for him to do.

So most of the male posters her told her to give up writing the erotica because her husband objected and what is worth more to her? Writing the erotica or her marriage?

But here on this thread women are being told to just shut up and look the other way. Also that they are insecure. All this if they object to their husband looking at other mostly nake women, all naked women and porn.

Can we get some consistency here folks? And how about let's drop the gender bias.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Are you not gender biased?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> I find this thread amusing. We had a thread on here the other day in which a woman was writing erotic novels to earn a living. Her husband objected to it saying that it made her no better than a porn star or a prostitute.
> 
> Now keep in mind that her judgmental husband is an avid watcher/user of porn. But in his eyes that's ok for him to do.
> 
> ...



I wasn't involved in that thread and I would have told the OP she shouldn't bow to her husbands insecurities.

I am pretty damn consistent.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

richie33 said:


> Are you not gender biased?


How am I gender biased? I think that the same 'rules' apply to both genders.


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## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

Cee Paul said:


> What came first was being totally cut off which has me watching it regularly, but if my situation were more like the one with my ex who loooooved sex all the time then I wouldn't even think about watching any. I was with her about 2.50 years and watched it maybe twice the whole time, and the problem with her wasn't in the bedroom but was the fact she became crazy and out of control and physically attacked me.


So you never masturbated to porn before you met your wife?

THAT is a first...most every man on here has said that they masturbated to porn BEFORE they met their wives...


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

[QUOTaskungirl;1559922]How am I gender biased? I think that the same 'rules' apply to both genders.[/QUOTE]

Just asking a question. No every man/woman who views porn is addict...just like not every man/ woman who doesnt like it is insecure.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

richie33 said:


> Just asking a question. No every man/woman who views porn is addict..*.just like not every man/ woman who doesnt like it is insecure.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


But that is EXACTLY what every woman who comes on here who complains about porn is told. 

Why is that?


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Just like most, not all, women hear the word porn and are quick to label a person porn addict. Why is that?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

richie33 said:


> Just like most, not all, women hear the word porn and are quick to label a person porn addict.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


But yet, in this thread alone, the OP's "insecurity" was addressed before someone ASKED if he was porn addicted.

Also, if the OP's husband is lying about it, there IS a problem.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

richie33 said:


> Just asking a question. No every man/woman who views porn is addict...just like not every man/ woman who doesnt like it is insecure.


Well, I did not say anything about anyone being addicted to porn. 

My point was about how very different response being give to men and women.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

richie33 said:


> Just like most, not all, women hear the word porn and are quick to label a person porn addict. Why is that?


This is not true at all. Many of the women here watch porn themselves, either alone or with their spouse.

My attitude towards porn is that it's ok as long as the one who is watching it is not neglecting the other's sexual needs. But that's my personal view. Others have their own view.


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## just_about_done (Feb 6, 2013)

anony2 said:


> So you never masturbated to porn before you met your wife?
> 
> THAT is a first...most every man on here has said that they masturbated to porn BEFORE they met their wives...


I guarantee he was not having sex with his wife loooong before he ever masturbated to porn.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

I agree with your philosophy Elegirl. But you can't say you havent seen that way of thinking on this forum.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> I find this thread amusing. We had a thread on here the other day in which a woman was writing erotic novels to earn a living. Her husband objected to it saying that it made her no better than a porn star or a prostitute.
> 
> Now keep in mind that her judgmental husband is an avid watcher/user of porn. But in his eyes that's ok for him to do.
> 
> ...


He is the one who is inconsistent. You are exhibiting gender bias by lumping all men with one hypocrite. I would love for my wife to write erotic porn.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

anony2 said:


> But yet, in this thread alone, the OP's "insecurity" was addressed before someone ASKED if he was porn addicted.
> 
> Also, if the OP's husband is lying about it, there IS a problem.


Certainly but that problem doesn't necessarily lie with the guy lying about it.

The lying is brought about by the woman's demand that the man meet some irrational or unfair standard.

He can't meet the standard and his wife will become ****ty when he doesn't meet the standard.
So he lies.

Actually this habit of lying about porn was burned into the men if my generation by their mothers.

Myself I'd just tell her I refuse to even consider her standard 
she can do whatever she wants with my response.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

richie33 said:


> I agree with your philosophy Elegirl. But you can't say you havent seen that way of thinking on this forum.


I have seen some women come out with the porn addiction thing very quickly. But not all women.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

johnnycomelately said:


> He is the one who is inconsistent. You are exhibiting gender bias by lumping all men with one hypocrite. I would love for my wife to write erotic porn.


No, i'm not lumping all men with the husband of the erotica writing wife.

What I did do was to point out that on her thread, almost all of the men said that she was wrong to write erotica if it bothered her husband. They were for the most part men who have if seen defend all porn use no matter what.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> No, i'm not lumping all men with the husband of the erotica writing wife.
> 
> What I did do was to point out that on her thread, almost all of the men said that she was wrong to write erotica if it bothered her husband. They were for the most part men who have if seen defend all porn use no matter what.


So what would you label those men? Controlling? Insecure? Hypocritical?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> No, i'm not lumping all men with the husband of the erotica writing wife.
> 
> What I did do was to point out that on her thread, almost all of the men said that she was wrong to write erotica if it bothered her husband. They were for the most part men who have if seen defend all porn use no matter what.


Well, then that group of men is hypocritical. Not all men. 

She has the right to express herself and I have the right to rough up the suspect to legal pornography. Full equality from me, despite the fact that I am a man.


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## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

tacoma said:


> Certainly but that problem doesn't necessarily lie with the guy lying about it.
> 
> The lying is brought about by the woman's demand that the man meet some irrational or unfair standard.
> 
> ...


Then they need to take it up with their mothers and quit blaming their wives or maybe these men need to get into counseling until they are mature enough to get over their 'mommy issues' and definitely before they get married.


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## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

just_about_done said:


> I guarantee he was not having sex with his wife loooong before he ever masturbated to porn.


I bet he was not having sex with the vast majority of the women in the world before he was masturbating to porn, but that isn't the question.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

richie33 said:


> So what would you label those men? Controlling? Insecure? Hypocritical?


I'm not labeling men or any person.

I would say that it's hypocritical for a man to say that he has the right to watch/use porn all he wants but if his wife writes erotica then she's the same as a porn star or a prostitute.

I also think it's hypocritical for a person to say that a wife has no say in whether or not their spouse uses porn... but if she writes erotica she had better stop writing it if her husband demands that she stop writing it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

johnnycomelately said:


> Well, then that group of men is hypocritical. Not all men.
> 
> She has the right to express herself and I have the right to rough up the suspect to legal pornography. Full equality from me, despite the fact that I am a man.



What is "the suspect to legal pornography"? The sentence makes no sense.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Elegirl is correct, the double standard is huge.

Personally if your spouse is doing something that makes you very uncomfortable you need to rethink what you ate doing. 

But you better not be asking them to not write erotica when you watch porn etc yourself.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> What is "the suspect to legal pornography"? The sentence makes no sense.


'Roughing up the suspect' is a euphemism for masturbation.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Its also hypocritical for a spouse to deny sex and then expect the other not to use porn.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

richie33 said:


> Its also hypocritical for a spouse to deny sex and then expect the other not to use porn.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Why? 

Does porn = sex? If it does, then you objectify your wife, because you are saying that she can be replaced by an OBJECT which is porn.

What if your wife craves intimacy instead of just sex and you deny her that? Can she then go get it from a man that would give her intimacy and you have no say so in that?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

richie33 said:


> Its also hypocritical for a spouse to deny sex and then expect the other not to use porn.


I agree with this.

IMO, in most cases, denying sex to a spouse is emotional abuse.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

So your definition is porn = cheating. 
So a sexless marriage = something a spouse should just suck up until the other figures it out?
If your husband / wife is denying you any form of intimacy...you have a bigger problem in your marriage than porn.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

richie33 said:


> So your definition is porn = cheating.
> So a sexless marriage = something a spouse should just suck up until the other figures it out?
> If your husband / wife is deny you any form of intimacy...you have a bigger problem in your marriage than porn.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Did you ever stop to think about the fact that the 'no sex' from the wife could be a symptom of something else in the marriage too?

Also, if a man is staying up all night jacking to porn every night, it leaves little time to actually SPEND with his wife and it also leaves very little sexual energy. 

Why is the wife to blame for this when more than likely he was doing this BEFORE he even met his wife?


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Is that always the case? No.Maybe in your case it is and that sucks. I don't blame you hating it. You have valid reasons. But I suspect your issue has more to do with the man your married to then what he is viewing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

richie33 said:


> Is that always the case? No.Maybe in your case it is and that sucks. I don't blame you hating it. You have valid reasons. But I suspect your issue has more to do with the man your married to then what he is viewing.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No one is blaming the porn that I can see.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There can be many reasons for no sex in a marriage. It seems though that when this happens both spouses need to work together to figure out the problem and fix it.

Until that has been done, doing things like turning to porn as a substitute is just a way to avoid dealing with deeper marital issues.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

anony2 said:


> But that is EXACTLY what every woman who comes on here who complains about porn is told.
> 
> Why is that?


This is untrue as well.

I'm usually the first to jump on the "it's her insecurity/porn" bandwagon and many many times I and others have withheld that criticism when it obviously wasn't the case.

I've ripped into quite a few men who do have a problem with porn around here.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

anony2 said:


> Then they need to take it up with their mothers and quit blaming their wives or maybe these men need to get into counseling until they are mature enough to get over their 'mommy issues' and definitely before they get married.


We'll do that just as soon as y'all get over your daddy issues.

Like that could ever happen


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

just another unhappy wife said:


> I am looking for someone, who's husband - despite promising time and again that he would - just doesn't stop looking at sexy babes online. For the longest time he used to watch porn, now it's "only" pics of naked or half naked blondes :-( He keeps telling me he loves me and me only - I keep telling him it still hurts and bothers me quite a bit and so on and so on. Every time I find this BS in his history, I get this big lump in my throat, I just can't cope with this! Oh, I know it could be worse, but to me this is something that really eats me. Anybody been there?


C'mon people all this gender bashing aside if you can't dissect this OP and see the self-security problems within it, I don't know what to tell you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

tacoma said:


> C'mon people all this gender bashing aside if you can't dissect this OP and see the self-security problems within it, I don't know what to tell you.


Yes the OP has insecurity issues. 

She should do things to help herself with her insecurities. Going to counseling would help her. Maybe a work out program would help.

It might also help if her husband would join her in some of the work she needs to do to feel better about herself.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Yes the OP has insecurity issues.
> 
> She should do things to help herself with her insecurities. Going to counseling would help her. Maybe a work out program would help.
> 
> It might also help if her husband would join her in some of the work she needs to do to feel better about herself.


Yes, he should help her.

If I were he I'd lay off the porn in order to do so.

I'm not being insensitive to her plight I just don't want this taking off on a "porn addiction" bashing of her husband when the bulk of the problem really lies with her perspective.

It would just make her situation worse.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

LouAnn Poovy said:


> *Is your wife in love with you? Personally, if I don't want sex with my SO, it's absolutely not about the sex but about the relationship. It's off the track, jumped the cliff, or something!*


Ohhhhh we have a ton of issues we're trying to work through that have been discussed on here many times, so you must be new to the party.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

anony2 said:


> So you never masturbated to porn before you met your wife?
> 
> THAT is a first...most every man on here has said that they masturbated to porn BEFORE they met their wives...


Of course I have! But the point is that if you are having sex regularly in your relationship and are satisfied in that way by your partner, then the need for masturbation and other things to stimulate or excite you becomes unnecessary and less desirable - duuuuh.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Cee Paul said:


> Of course I have! But the point is that if you are having sex regularly in your relationship and are satisfied in that way by your partner, then the need for masturbation and other things to stimulate or excite you becomes unnecessary and less desirable - duuuuh.


And yet a sizable number of men, with high drive wives who are willing to get kinky, will chose porn over their wife more times than not. We have women posting here all the time with this problem in their marriage.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> And yet a sizable number of men, with high drive wives who are willing to get kinky, will chose porn over their wife more times than not. We have women posting here all the time with this problem in their marriage.


That would not be a problem for me at all if my wife was even remotely kinky, but to cut me off for the past 13 months as punishment because I made a decision at 46 yrs old that I was no longer on board with having a child is - WRONG.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Cee Paul said:


> That would not be a problem for me at all if my wife was even remotely kinky, but to cut me off for the past 13 months as punishment because I made a decision at 46 yrs old that I was no longer on board with having a child is - WRONG.


How long have you been married? 

And how long did you lead her to believe that you wanted a child with her?

How old is she?


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> How long have you been married?
> 
> And how long did you lead her to believe that you wanted a child with her?
> 
> How old is she?


Been together 8 years and married for 7 yrs, she is 40 yrs old now, and we tried like crazy the first 4-5 years of the marriage to have a child(she is unable to)before I became older and decided to give up on it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Cee Paul said:


> Been together 8 years and married for 7 yrs, she is 40 yrs old now, and we tried like crazy the first 4-5 years of the marriage to have a child(she is unable to)before I became older and decided to give up on it.


It sounds like she's going through crisis not wanting to accept whatever the problem is with having a child. It makes you the bad buy refusing her what she wants. Instead of you facing reality.

Did you two go through all the fertility stuff? I've heard it can be exhausting.

I could not have bio children after a bad pregnacy. So at age 40 we adopted. But my husband was on board with it... well more than just on board. He would have adopted by himself if they had allowed it at the time.

Has she gone for any counseling on this?


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> It sounds like she's going through crisis not wanting to accept whatever the problem is with having a child. It makes you the bad buy refusing her what she wants. Instead of you facing reality.
> 
> Did you two go through all the fertility stuff? I've heard it can be exhausting.
> 
> ...


She went through two rounds of painful fertility treatments that ended up costing us about $2,500 with NO results, and so then we spent another two years trying to adopt but found it to be quite exhausting and full of red tape. Well in the mean time my fatherly clock was winding down and the thought of me raising a child well into my 50's made me cringe hard, so at about 45+ years old I came clean with her and said I was no longer on board with having a child. So this of course upset her a lot, and so during an arguement one time she revealed that since that was "my decision" that "her decision" was to quit having sex with me!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Cee Paul said:


> She went through two rounds of painful fertility treatments that ended up costing us about $2,500 with NO results, and so then we spent another two years trying to adopt but found it to be quite exhausting and full of red tape. Well in the mean time my fatherly clock was winding down and the thought of me raising a child well into my 50's made me cringe hard, so at about 45+ years old I came clean with her and said I was no longer on board with having a child. So this of course upset her a lot, and so during an arguement one time she revealed that since that was "my decision" that "her decision" was to quit having sex with me!


Well that's getting her really far now isn't it? Sounds to me like she backed herself into the corner and she does not know how to come out of it and save face. So she'll fight you to the end.

I feel for your. It’s the great standoff. Maybe the two of you need to meet in the OK Corral and have it out once and for all.


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## LouAnn Poovy (Mar 21, 2013)

richie33 said:


> Its also hypocritical for a spouse to deny sex and then expect the other not to use porn.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


*What then if you are not able to "use" porn? (For whatever reason.) Prostitutes? 

I wonder how people years ago dealt with lack of sex? You know before the whole instant access to unlimited free porn? *


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## LouAnn Poovy (Mar 21, 2013)

tacoma said:


> C'mon people all this gender bashing aside if you can't dissect this OP and see the self-security problems within it, I don't know what to tell you.



*I disagree. Her not liking her husband looking at porn does not automatically equate to her having issues about herself. It simply does not.

My former lover looked at quite a bit of porn. That wasn't the problem for me, that he watched/used porn (I can never understand if it's correct to say USE when discussing porn?). It was how it made me feel about HIM knowing and seeing him do this, that was the problem. I didn't like how it made me feel about HIM. I couldn't get the sight of him with his glassy eyes staring at the screen, right hand humping away, his deep breathing, his moaning, etc. out of my head. Those people on the screen are creating this amazing physical response in this man I love? It was a total shut down of my desire for him on every level. 

If that makes me insecure, sign me up. 
*


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## LouAnn Poovy (Mar 21, 2013)

tacoma said:


> Certainly but that problem doesn't necessarily lie with the guy lying about it.
> 
> *The lying is brought about by the woman's demand that the man meet some irrational or unfair standard.*
> 
> ...


*I get it. You are ok with lying. * :liar:


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

LouAnn porn has been around for a very long time. Before the internet it was DVDs, before that VHS tapes, before that magazines.....so on and so forth. 
Lack of sex in a marriage has been around as long as porn. You dont think these same issues were apart of the 30's, 40's and 50's?
Prostitution isnt known as the oldest profession for no reason.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LouAnn Poovy (Mar 21, 2013)

tacoma said:


> Yes, he should help her.
> 
> If I were he I'd lay off the porn in order to do so.
> 
> ...


*
There you go again. Is it always the woman whose perspective is off? Well of course it is if you disagree with her view, right?
*


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## LouAnn Poovy (Mar 21, 2013)

richie33 said:


> LouAnn porn has been around for a very long time. Before the internet it was DVDs, before that VHS tapes, before that magazines.....so on and so forth.
> Lack of sex in a marriage has been around as long as porn. You dont think these same issues were apart of the 30's, 40's and 50's?
> Prostitution isnt known as the oldest profession for no reason.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you for the history lesson. 

I most definitely do not think we face the same porn issues as in the past. Are you kidding me? It's free, always something new, never ending, it's piped into your computer, your phone, etc. Porn is easier and cheaper to get than a burrito at Taco Bell.

Are you suggesting that porn use in 2013 is not different than in 1980? Or 1930? Come on!


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## LouAnn Poovy (Mar 21, 2013)

Cee Paul said:


> She went through two rounds of painful fertility treatments that ended up costing us about $2,500 with NO results, and so then we spent another two years trying to adopt but found it to be quite exhausting and full of red tape. Well in the mean time my fatherly clock was winding down and the thought of me raising a child well into my 50's made me cringe hard, so at about 45+ years old I came clean with her and said I was no longer on board with having a child. So this of course upset her a lot, and so during an arguement one time she revealed that since that was "my decision" that "her decision" was to quit having sex with me!


*
Yes I'm new to the party, my invitation was delayed. What a painful situation you find yourself in. *


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## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

tacoma said:


> This is untrue as well.
> 
> *I'm usually the first to jump on the "it's her insecurity/porn" *bandwagon and many many times I and others have withheld that criticism when it obviously wasn't the case.
> 
> I've ripped into quite a few men who do have a problem with porn around here.


How do you know it is her insecurity? What if there are things that make her insecure about him watching porn like his staying up all night to do it where they aren't getting time to spend together at all?

Also, how do you know when a man has problems with porn and when he doesn't? Are you an expert? Do you have any training in addictions?


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Your right its gotten way too easy to access. But the issues in marriages haven't changed all that much.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LouAnn Poovy (Mar 21, 2013)

richie33 said:


> Your right its gotten way too easy to access. But the issues in marriages haven't changed all that much.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



The issues *have* changed exactly because of the way too easy access.


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## LouAnn Poovy (Mar 21, 2013)

anony2 said:


> How do you know it is her insecurity? What if there are things that make her insecure about him watching porn like his staying up all night to do it where they aren't getting time to spend together at all?
> 
> Also, how do you know when a man has problems with porn and when he doesn't? Are you an expert? Do you have any training in addictions?


:iagree:
*Such a bucket of baloney! * It's just easy to throw that out, that women are just insecure about porn, men only lie about porn because they have to, etc etc. Grow the hell up!


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

My opinion is in healthy marriage, where both spouses needs are being met, porn has no place.
But to say all images of men / woman are off limits like what this post originally was about is almost impossible to meet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

LouAnn Poovy said:


> *I get it. You are ok with lying. * :liar:


Truthfully, I don't think there's too much you actually do "get".


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## LouAnn Poovy (Mar 21, 2013)

tacoma said:


> Truthfully, I don't think there's too much you actually do "get".


*I get you condone lying. What is it about that I've misunderstood?*


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

just another unhappy wife said:


> I am looking for someone, who's husband - despite promising time and again that he would - just doesn't stop looking at sexy babes online. For the longest time he used to watch porn, now it's "only" pics of naked or half naked blondes :-( He keeps telling me he loves me and me only - I keep telling him it still hurts and bothers me quite a bit and so on and so on. Every time I find this BS in his history, I get this big lump in my throat, I just can't cope with this! Oh, I know it could be worse, but to me this is something that really eats me. Anybody been there?


Why do you give him all of the power here? Stop worrying about what he looks at and work on your own life, since you can't do anything about it. I'm pretty sure my husband looks at porn from time to time but I'm ok with that for two reasons: one is that I'm sure he gets turned on by me without it and I don't think he'd risk losing me (if he could get his hands on that). Is this true for you? If so then you have bigger problems in your marriage and need to be in MC now. Bottom line is that you can either live with it or get into counseling with the understanding that it may not do any good and you may have to end the marriage, but either way stop beating yourself up over it. In addition, I'm guessing your husband doesn't look like an underwear model himself so maybe you should start looking at your own stuff, see how he likes it. If it makes you feel any better,I have a good friend that I've known for many years that runs one of these porn sites, and I can tell you that she looks NOTHING like she does on the site. Nor do any of the other women; that's the biggest irony here, that those women don't even exist! Those pics are so altered that you wouldn't recognize them if they were standing in front of you! My husband has seen pics of my friend and I hanging out and he's seen her site and he can't believe it's the same person. She is mildly pretty but otherwise quite plain (and a lovely person I might add). I think this is ultimately what makes porn so destructive; not that people fantasize, which can be good for marriage, but that it puts unrealistic ideas in their head. In addition, since it's so geared toward men, it tips the power balance in their favor because us women don't ultimately have the same unrealistic images of men. Some would argue that romance novels are just as bad but since I don't and have never read them I wouldn't know.


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## LouAnn Poovy (Mar 21, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> Why do you give him all of the power here? *Has nothing to do with power.* Stop worrying about what he looks at and work on your own life, since you can't do anything about it. *She should just accept that is how it is and move along? * I'm pretty sure my husband looks at porn from time to time but I'm ok with that for two reasons: *Doesn't matter that you are ok with it...the OP is NOT *one is that I'm sure he gets turned on by me without it and I don't think he'd risk losing me (if he could get his hands on that). Is this true for you? If so then you have bigger problems in your marriage and need to be in MC now. Bottom line is that you can either live with it or get into counseling with the understanding that it may not do any good and you may have to end the marriage, but either way stop beating yourself up over it. In addition, I'm guessing your husband doesn't look like an underwear model himself so maybe you should start looking at your own stuff, see how he likes it. * This is so not the stuff good marriages are made of...the tit for tat, score keeping? *If it makes you feel any better,I have a good friend that I've known for many years that runs one of these porn sites, and I can tell you that she looks NOTHING like she does on the site. Nor do any of the other women; that's the biggest irony here, that those women don't even exist! Those pics are so altered that you wouldn't recognize them if they were standing in front of you! My husband has seen pics of my friend and I hanging out and he's seen her site and he can't believe it's the same person. She is mildly pretty but otherwise quite plain (and a lovely person I might add). I think this is ultimately what makes porn so destructive; not that people fantasize, which can be good for marriage, but that it puts unrealistic ideas in their head.* So on the one hand, she's given her power away, she can accept the porn, or leave the marriage, BUT you say how destructive porn is.....? * In addition, since it's so geared toward men, it tips the power balance in their favor because us women don't ultimately have the same unrealistic images of men.* AGain with the power issue. I'm not seeing porn as a power issue at all.* [Some would argue that romance novels are just as bad but since I don't and have never read them I wouldn't know.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I'm female and happen to enjoy the more tastefully done porn pics online.SO approached me and said it made him feel insecure so I quit looking.It was really that simple.It wasn't an unreasonable expression of feelings and he doesn't expect me to never check out men.The pic viewing while in a relationship just upset him.

It doesn't matter if it was a moral issue for him or an insecurity issue.My partner expressed feelings about something and I had the power to either continue viewing the pics or give it up.I made a choice to give it up bc my partner's feelings were more important than porn pic viewing.He doesn't always get his way but this was such a simple fix and I don't feel it took away my power over myself or my rights in the relationship. Of course he has never made a statement like "I only want you to look at me and never other men." He's at least reasonable in his expectations.

OP,are you reasonable in your expectations of your husband? Wanting him to stop viewing other naked women is reasonable provided it was a boundary that was discussed prior to marriage whereas expecting him to not check out other women is unrealistic and unreasonable.

Also,if you don't want him to view pics of other women,would you be willing to maybe try giving him boudoir photos of yourself for him to enjoy? Not saying that you should or that you have to but it might be nice for the two of you to enjoy the experience together and get him motivated to forget the online pics.


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## MissMe (Feb 26, 2013)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I'm female and happen to enjoy the more tastefully done porn pics online.SO approached me and said it made him feel insecure so I quit looking.It was really that simple.It wasn't an unreasonable expression of feelings and he doesn't expect me to never check out men.The pic viewing while in a relationship just upset him.
> 
> It doesn't matter if it was a moral issue for him or an insecurity issue.My partner expressed feelings about something and I had the power to either continue viewing the pics or give it up.I made a choice to give it up bc my partner's feelings were more important than porn pic viewing..


And really, isn't this the way a marriage should be? Good for you Scarlet Bego:iagree:


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## MissMe (Feb 26, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> And yet a sizable number of men, with high drive wives who are willing to get kinky, will chose porn over their wife more times than not. We have women posting here all the time with this problem in their marriage.


It's because those wives are insecure. That's why those men turn to porn. Yep, huh huh. :nono:

*(That's a joke folks)*


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

MissMe said:


> And really, isn't this the way a marriage should be? Good for you Scarlet Bego:iagree:


well,that's the way I want my future marriage to be but I don't feel everyone has to live their life the same way


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

LouAnn, I'll admit that I rambled on but essentially she really does have two choices: accept it or not. If not what are her options? She's already found that she can't nag him or guilt him out of it so what is left? As for the tit for tat, you're darn right I support that; the best way to gain empathy is to experience something for yourself. I have a black belt and every time we learn something we have it done to us, this way we know how it feels. Hubby doesn't know how it feels; true she tells him but he doesn't really GET it. And there IS a power issue going on here; she is the one that's insecure and constantly worrying about what he's looking at but he's not left to wonder if he meets HER standards. That's what I mean by balance of power. I suggested that if she feels he needs it to get aroused by her of if she thought he's take it if he could get his hands on someone he's looking at online then she might consider that her marriage her deeper problems. What exactly are your suggestions? Continue to complain to him that it hurts? How's that working for her? And porn IS destructive but since it's here to stay you have to look for ways to mitigate damage.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

LouAnn Poovy said:


> Doesn't matter that you are ok with it...the OP is NOT


Are you suggesting that a spouse is obliged to give up anything their partner is not ok with?


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

In the same regard... is it fair to expect a spouse to just continuously accept something they are not ok with and just accept that their wants and needs beneath ones own? That's not healthy imo. Compromise and sacrifice should be made from both partners imo. 

OP clearly you have insecurity issues from past relationships and perhaps something is going on in this relationship that feeds this insecurity and I believe it is more then just the porn viewing. I believe you and your husband should sit down and have a serious talk, think about MC and IC. 

I think giving him nude, suggestive photos of yourself like another poster suggested is a brilliant idea. See if he likes it.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Gaia said:


> In the same regard... is it fair to expect a spouse to just continuously accept something they are not ok with


So if I feel insecure because my wife earns more than me, should she give up a job she loves?


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

It depends on how that insecurity effects you. As I already stated. Compromises should be made. This means opening ones mouth about how they are feeling, discussing the issues and seeing what can be done so BOTH parties are happy.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Your example is one of only one party making a sacrifice. Not both. As I stated... no one partners wants and needs should be above the other. This doesn't mean constantly giving up. That isn't compromise.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Gaia said:


> It depends on how that insecurity effects you.





Gaia said:


> no one partners wants and needs should be above the other. This doesn't mean constantly giving up. That isn't compromise.


So, if I am badly affected by my wife leaving the house without a veil, as many muslim men are, she should wear a veil? If I compromise by saying she doesn't have to wear a veil that covers her eyes, is that acceptable?

The point I am making is that not being 'ok' with something doesn't justify your demand. What you have to look at is whether or not the demand is reasonable, right?


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

You are completely missing my point. In no way did I ... and I certainly don't think anyone else suggest anyone "DEMAND" anything. Compromising is about discussing and coming to a mutual agreement. Demanding is just childish and it proves my point. I stated that no one spouses wants and needs should be above the other. Your leaning toward one spouse having his/her way and the other just nodding their head and submitting. 

I've already stated I was against this. There is a difference between making a request and making a demand. Demands have no room for compromise. Requests do.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Gaia said:


> You are completely missing my point. In no way did I ... and I certainly don't think anyone else suggest anyone "DEMAND" anything. Compromising is about discussing and coming to a mutual agreement. Demanding is just childish and it proves my point. I stated that no one spouses wants and needs should be above the other. Your leaning toward one spouse having his/her way and the other just nodding their head and submitting.
> 
> I've already stated I was against this. There is a difference between making a request and making a demand. Demands have no room for compromise. Requests do.


Ok, so as long as I request my wife wears a veil, because it badly affects me and I am willing to compromise on the type of veil, that request is reasonable?


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

In what part of your post do you even include the discussions and compromises? Again your just describing something meant only to benefit one spouse... not both which was not what i suggested in any of my posts.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Gaia said:


> In what part of your post do you even include the discussions and compromises? Again your just describing something meant only to benefit one spouse... not both which was not what i suggested in any of my posts.


The post I was responding too said that if the spouse was not 'ok' with it that justified the request. That is the point I am debating.

I am not sure how him giving up porn is meant to benefit him, but lets go with it anyway.

He can compromise. He can promise that she never has to see his browsing history. He will only use porn on a locked laptop, for example. Discussion and compromise.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

johnnycomelately said:


> Ok, so as long as I request my wife wears a veil, because it badly affects me and I am willing to compromise on the type of veil, that request is reasonable?


To answer your question. Is this request reasonable.. well any request is really since it's a question being asked. 

H "Honey will you wear a veil? I think I like the idea of you wearing a veil."

W "I'm not particularly fond of that idea. What and why do you want me to wear a veil all of a sudden?"

H "I don't want other men looking at you."

W "Ok... how about I just wear a bit more conservative clothing? I do have to work and my job takes a certain style of clothing.. ie uniform dear. You know this." 




That is what I consider discussing and compromising. I think your assuming one spouse gives in to a request when you see the word compromise. That would be sacrifice imo. Of course the H has insecurity issues that both him and the wife can talk about and hell even attend counseling together to work on fixing the husbands insecurity issues.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Well sure it justifies the request. Then wouldn't it make sense for the husband to then consider her feelings and ask why she made such a request? Discussion takes place and she states she is insecure and feels she isn't enough for him... something is figured out like her attending counseling and him to so both can work out these insecurity issues. Hell someone stated she make suggestive photographs for him to look at. That is compromise in itself as well isn't it?


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Gaia said:


> To answer your question. Is this request reasonable.. well any request is really since it's a question being asked.


I just went in to talk to my wife and request that she allow me to have sex with other women. She thought that request was unreasonable, even though I was willing to compromise by not sleepìng with anyone we know. What went wrong? My request was unreasonable.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Then both can remember that she too is a sexual creature... not just a spouse or mom if they have kids.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Gaia said:


> Well sure it justifies the request. Then wouldn't it make sense for the husband to then consider her feelings and ask why she made such a request? Discussion takes place and she states she is insecure and feels she isn't enough for him... something is figured out like her attending counseling and him to so both can work out these insecurity issues. Hell someone stated she make suggestive photographs for him to look at. That is compromise in itself as well isn't it?


So you believe she should be open to allowing him to view some pornography?


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Your making me laugh with your outragious and exxagerated examples of a request just to prove yourself right. Asking ones spouse to not watch porn is not unreasonable. Asking ones spouse about having sex with others technically isn't unreasonable either... unacceptable in some cases.. yes but the fact your wife said no she is uncomfortable with it then proves the point i was making. 

BOTH parties needs and wants should be taken into consideration. Not just one. What other outragious examples do you wish to give out? Watching porn isn't a mans right and he can certainly live without it. There are some who are quite comfortable with their spouse watching porn and others who aren't. What works for one couple won't work for another.

Hell in some cases your request would be met with a yes if it were another couple. We are all unique and every spouse should consider the feelings of the other. You knew your wife would say no. You knew she prefers a monogamous relationship. You only gave two options with your example. Why not compromise and suggest using a toy while you eat her out? Or using vibrators on her while your screwing her? There are ways to fullfill a fantasy like that without having to go outside the relationship. 

Then again if you did actually want to go outside the relationship you should consider why eh? Discuss the root of this want and need?


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

johnnycomelately said:


> So you believe she should be open to allowing him to view some pornography?


Now your on track with me. Yes. As I have been suggesting... I believe both partners should consider the thoughts and feelings of the other. THAT is compromise. 

Btw no I am not a woman who is against porn... 

(Sorry to those who are :/)

I actually enjoy watching it with my spouse. I do believe the OP needs to attend counseling with her husbands help to overcome her insecurity issues with this.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

I know.. I really need to word things better... damn.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Gaia said:


> Your making me laugh with your outragious and exxagerated examples of a request just to prove yourself right. Asking ones spouse to not watch porn is not unreasonable.


I disagree. Trying to control the masturbation habits and tools used by a spouse is unreasonable. Most men and many women use legal pornography to help them masturbate. She is asking him to behave in a way that is unusual and will negatively affect his life. That is unreasonable.




Gaia said:


> BOTH parties needs and wants should be taken into consideration. Not just one.


She is asking him to give up something that is important to him. How is that taking his needs and wants into consideration? Your idea of compromise seems to be him giving in to her 'requests'. 



Gaia said:


> What other outragious examples do you wish to give out? Watching porn isn't a mans right and he can certainly live without it.


There is nothing outrageous about the examples I have given, except my request to sleep with other women perhaps. There are many men who feel threatened by their wives earning more than them and there are millions around the world who feel insecure when their wives go out with their hair uncovered. 

As for watching porn not being a right, legally in the Western world it is.



Gaia said:


> Hell in some cases your request would be met with a yes if it were another couple. We are all unique and every spouse should consider the feelings of the other. You knew your wife would say no. You knew she prefers a monogamous relationship. You only gave two options with your example. Why not compromise and suggest using a toy while you eat her out? Or using vibrators on her while your screwing her? There are ways to fullfill a fantasy like that without having to go outside the relationship.


Exactly. Why doesn't she compromise by agreeing to let him watch porn on a locked laptop?



Gaia said:


> Then again if you did actually want to go outside the relationship you should consider why eh? Discuss the root of this want and need?


I don't want to go outside my relationship. I am quite happy to satisfy myself with my wife and some vigorous masturbation.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

johnnycomelately said:


> I disagree. Trying to control the masturbation habits and tools used by a spouse is unreasonable. Most men and many women use legal pornography to help them masturbate. She is asking him to behave in a way that is unusual and will negatively affect his life. That is unreasonable.
> 
> *Asking that he not watch porn then stating why then being open to a discussion about it is not control imo. *
> 
> ...


Good for you.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

An example of a compromise in my relationship...


My spouse loves to drink. I didn't want him drinking at bars anymore due to his flirtatious behavior and the many fights he got into. Our compromise was he would drink at home with me and I would do the same. 

Another example...

I enjoy working however neither of us were comfortable with the idea of just tossing our kids off in a daycare. He is from a traditional family so we both decided I would be a SAHM. He suggested that since I enjoy working I could sell perfume and other items in my spare time in which I have. We did try him staying at home and me working but he informed me he would much rather be working as he was unable to handle being home with the kids all day.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Gaia said:


> Asking that he not watch porn then stating why then being open to a discussion about it is not control imo.


Control is exactly what it is. She is trying to influence his behaviour: 

verb (controls, controlling, controlled)

*maintain influence* or authority over:





Gaia said:


> Considering you have been grasping at something outside of what I was suggesting.. I do believe they were outrageous. Each one of your examples had nothing to do with what i posted considering


This is a well established method of testing an assertion. It has been used since Aristotle. Many posters have asserted that the fact that she is not ok' with porn use is enough to justify her request that he stop. That is false. The analogies prove that. A request has to be reasonable in order for it to be justified. 



Gaia said:


> I said BOTH in dang near every one of my posts. Yours were implying only one party give up something for the other.


Not at all. I suggested a compromise, but you rejected it because it wouldn't give her exactly what she wanted. Of course he should compromise if she feels strongly, but so should she.



Gaia said:


> Actually legally in the western culture it's not watching porn that is a right. It's having a choice to watch, say, do something and this is actually being opposed. There are restrictions to internet access, where one goes, ect. If it were a right there wouldn't be tools to prevent people from going to these sites.


Restriction on a right doesn't mean a right doesn't exist. There are restrictions on the drinking of alcohol, but it is a right for adults just the same.



Gaia said:


> I don't see why he should have to resort to that.


That is the crux of the matter. You don't see it therefore it must go. He sees it. I see it. My wife sees it. The fact that you don't is neither here nor there.



Gaia said:


> In fact I think it's a bad idea in itself considering the next thing she would be wondering about is... "Well who is he chatting up? Why is his laptop locked? Is he cheating?"


There is no credible statistical evidence that porn use leads to cheating.



Gaia said:


> She has an insecurity issue that will only get worse if she doesn't let him know and if she doesn't try to overcome it by attending counseling.


No argument there.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Gaia said:


> An example of a compromise in my relationship...
> 
> 
> My spouse loves to drink. I didn't want him drinking at bars anymore due to his flirtatious behavior and the many fights he got into. Our compromise was he would drink at home with me and I would do the same.


So he can use porn under certain conditions. Good, we agree.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

johnnycomelately said:


> Control is exactly what it is. She is trying to influence his behaviour:
> 
> verb (controls, controlling, controlled)
> 
> ...


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

johnnycomelately said:


> So he can use porn under certain conditions. Good, we agree.


That's not up to either one of us. That's up to them but yes I've been saying and implying this in every one of my posts.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

The original post was the husband used to view porn but stopped but now is viewing " sexy babes". Did he not compromise? Why the need to continue to check his history on the computer and phone? The OP is the one comparing herself to these "sexy babes". 
He is not hiding it from her. I can't see how this is not insecurity. Refraining for any and other images is almost impossible. Pick up the newspaper, watch any cable show....its there. Not only women.....men also. Daytime soap operas are full of guys without their shirts on. I dont know any man who objects their wife to watch it. If they did it would be out of insecurities.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

OP already stated it was due to insecurities. I wonder if there is a bit more then just simple pics of "sexy babes" to her story though. I know another poster inquired already but OP is there anything else going on causing these insecurities? Aside from the pictures that is. Any sort of infidelity in the past between you two? Any... addictive behavior? How is your sex life?


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Gaia said:


> Yes people can influence others but that's part of being in a relationship and part of interacting with others in general.


Yes, as long as that influence is reasonable.



Gaia said:


> Your basically stating she has no say in this relationship it seems.


No, I didn't say that.


Gaia said:


> He is her spouse and life partner. Her request isn't unreasonable imo.


Being a spouse and life partner doesn't make every request reasonable.




Gaia said:


> Every relationship has personal boundaries and you give the impression that it's wrong for her to have any.


It's not wrong as long as the boundaries are reasonable.


Gaia said:


> Just because some of us don't give a hoot if our man watches porn doesn't mean others should feel as we do and that needs to be respected as well imo.


Yes, we agree on this. Both his and her needs should be respected.




Gaia said:


> In what way did i imply that it must go? I have continuessly been saying a compromise needs to be made as well as both her and her husband should have an honest discussion about it.


Because you rejected the idea that a compromise could include him watching porn under certain conditions. Later you rescinded that, so we agree here too.



Gaia said:


> Statistics have nothing to do with someones personal insecurities and feelings. She is insecure and her thoughts would no doubt head in this direction *regardless*. My point is the locked laptop would no doubt become another issue due to her insecurity.


I agree. She will be insecure regardless.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Not sure she has been back. This thread took off on its own. My question is basically what would be exceptable in a marriage? I know its a individual answer. But if the answer is no porn....OK. If the answer is no viewing pictures of any person of the other sex.....is that possible? Is it reasonable?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

richie33 said:


> I can't see how this is not insecurity.


The OP clearly stated that she is insecure.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

johnnycomelately said:


> The OP clearly stated that she is insecure.


If you jump back to some the responses yesterday it didn't make a difference if a person was insecure or not. That the viewing of material was wrong. Then it became a debate about porn....which what this thread did not start out about.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

johnnycomelately said:


> Yes, as long as that influence is reasonable.
> 
> *I agree here which was the point of my original remark.*
> 
> ...


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

richie33 said:


> If you jump back to some the responses yesterday it didn't make a difference if a person was insecure or not. That the viewing of material was wrong. Then it became a debate about porn....which what this thread did not start out about.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I would rather not get into a discussion about porn being wrong or not so I'm staying out of that one with the exception of this... Some may feel there should be no porn period and whatnot but what a couple does with each other and in their relationship is their choice. It is not wrong for either to choose to view porn if they wish it. It would be wrong imo to neglect ones spouse for it though.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

richie33 said:


> If you jump back to some the responses yesterday it didn't make a difference if a person was insecure or not. That the viewing of material was wrong. Then it became a debate about porn....which what this thread did not start out about.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know, I am with you fighting the good fight.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

richie33 said:


> Not sure she has been back. This thread took off on its own. My question is basically what would be exceptable in a marriage? I know its a individual answer. But if the answer is no porn....OK. If the answer is no viewing pictures of any person of the other sex.....is that possible? Is it reasonable?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I would have to say that no it's not possible to not view a picture of the opposite sex at some point in time. If the person were to clarify and say ... "Hey I would rather you not use a picture of someone of the opposite sex to masturbate too because...." That is a reasonable request imo. 


On another note... I hope the OP comes back and clarifies a bit more. The thread did indeed take off on it's own... lmao


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Gaia I think a lot of couples struggle with this topic. Its a good topic to discuss. In my opinion it is reasonable to ask your partner not to masturbate to images or videos. But if one partner is LD and the other is HD there would have to be a compromise. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Gaia said:


> I would have to say that no it's not possible to not view a picture of the opposite sex at some point in time. If the person were to clarify and say ... "Hey I would rather you not use a picture of someone of the opposite sex to masturbate too because...." That is a reasonable request imo.


It is unreasonable in my opinion, unless it was clearly stated at the beginning of the relationship. Asking someone to behave in a way that is unusual and asking them not to engage in something that is healthy (at a moderate level) is unreasonable.

I hope the OP gets some good counselling to deal with her insecurities. That is the primary threat to her relationship, not some girly pics.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

richie33 said:


> Gaia I think a lot of couples struggle with this topic. Its a good topic to discuss. In my opinion it is reasonable to ask your partner not to masturbate to images or videos. But if one partner is LD and the other is HD there would have to be a compromise.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Of course and I agree with this. There are also couples whose face medical issues which puts a dent on anything sexual and compromises are made there as well.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

johnnycomelately said:


> It is unreasonable in my opinion, unless it was clearly stated at the beginning of the relationship. Asking someone to behave in a way that is unusual and asking them not to engage in something that is healthy (at a moderate level) is unreasonable.
> 
> I hope the OP gets some good counselling to deal with her insecurities. That is the primary threat to her relationship, not some girly pics.


That's just it though. Was it ever stated or clarified that it was at a moderate level? Of course everyones definition of moderate differs as well. There are many cases where things are not stated at the beginning of the relationship for one reason. More then likely a long term relationship wasn't expected in the beginning. I never got into my relationship expecting it to be long term... that's for sure. I'm not sure of anyone who does....


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Gaia said:


> That's just it though. Was it ever stated or clarified that it was at a moderate level? Of course everyones definition of moderate differs as well. There are many cases where things are not stated at the beginning of the relationship for one reason. More then likely a long term relationship wasn't expected in the beginning. I never got into my relationship expecting it to be long term... that's for sure. I'm not sure of anyone who does....


As far as I recall it was the fact that he looked at the pics that she objected to, not the amount of time spent or any issues of neglect. 

As for stating an objection at the beginning of a relationship, I was thinking about people who have some strong religious objection to porn. The same could be said for alcohol or smoking. If you are very against some common behaviour you should make that clear, before you get married.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

johnnycomelately said:


> As far as I recall it was the fact that he looked at the pics that she objected to, not the amount of time spent or any issues of neglect.
> 
> As for stating at the beginning of the relationships I was thinking about people who have some strong religious objection to porn. The same could be said for alcohol or smoking. If you are very against some common behaviour you should make that clear, before you get married.


I know alot of people have started out with a bit of an issue and not the entirety of it all. I've been guilty of that myself. 

I do agree that before marriage there should be some major discussions going on.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Gaia said:


> I know alot of people have started out with a bit of an issue and not the entirety of it all. I've been guilty of that myself.
> 
> I do agree that before marriage there should be some major discussions going on.


Yes. Not very romantic though: "Would you mind filling in this questionnaire about your attitude to pornography and use of common stimulants and whether or not you are prone to flatulence at night?"


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Hey I've stated in the beginning of my relationship... when it was evident it was getting long term... I sat down and told my spouse that hey... I have depression, anxiety, OCD, I am uncomfortable with this but fine with that, ect. I told him there were things I was uncomfortable with revealing at that time but if we were still together and i grew to trust him more then I would reveal them... which i had. It worked well for us. 

He wasn't quite as honest about himself as i was to him from the beginning but I was/am understanding of his reasons why. I certainly don't hold that against him.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

By the way the top part of my post about how people don't reveal an entire issue or issues was a reference to them coming here to post.


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## LouAnn Poovy (Mar 21, 2013)

johnnycomelately said:


> Are you suggesting that a spouse is obliged to give up anything their partner is not ok with?


*No I did not suggest such a thing. In a healthy relationship, I would hope there would be a discussion, many discussions, on expectations, desires, and goals for the relationship. It takes give and take on both sides to have a mutually satisfying relationship. Give and take, etc. 

And then there are the deal breakers. *


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## LouAnn Poovy (Mar 21, 2013)

Gaia said:


> By the way the top part of my post about how people don't reveal an entire issue or issues was a reference to them coming here to post.


*That's darn little details! *


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## LouAnn Poovy (Mar 21, 2013)

johnnycomelately said:


> Yes. Not very romantic though: "Would you mind filling in this questionnaire about your attitude to pornography and use of common stimulants and whether or not you are prone to flatulence at night?"


*I'd like to add to this questionaire: Have you ever had or do you expect to have PE or ED? If so, are you willing to seek medical advise?*


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

johnnycomelately said:


> Yes. Not very romantic though: "Would you mind filling in this questionnaire about your attitude to pornography and use of common stimulants and whether or not you are prone to flatulence at night?"


Actually,there are several books out there now full of questions to ask before getting married and they have whole sections about sex and porn.

Maybe that's why so many marriages fail...because we're more concerned about fluffy romance than actual facts about the person and how they choose to spend their days.I think a marriage should be treated as romantically as possible while still remembering it IS a partnership of sorts that can make or break your life for several years or an entire lifetime. Would you go into any other venture so ill informed?


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

LouAnn Poovy said:


> *I'd like to add to this questionaire: Have you ever had or do you expect to have PE or ED? If so, are you willing to seek medical advise?*


Add have you every had a eating disorder? Body image issues? If so are you willing to seek medical advise.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Terry_CO (Oct 23, 2012)

Chris Taylor said:


> Guys are going to look. We're visual.


This. 

We look. It's how we're hard-wired, unless we're gay ...or dead.



just another unhappy wife said:


> Yep, I've thought about him being addicted - yet he says he isn't, he says he can give it up any time if needed, and yes: continuously promises he will in order to make me happy. And then a few days later, I find it on his comp again. Thing is: he knows I'm searching, so why doesn't he at least delete it? That's what's getting to me: not so much the pix, but the fact that he knows he's hurting me and does it anyway :-(


He's leaving it there as a message. He apparently has issues with your appearance but can't ....quite ...bring himself to mention it to you. He doesn't want to hurt you.

He's hoping you'll figure it out, since he continues.



just another unhappy wife said:


> Accepting I'm not 20 anymore would definitely be easier if he could make me feel I'm beautiful the way I am. But checking out others just does the opposite I'm afraid :-(


He's saying "See ...I am a normal, healthy male who appreciates women who take care of themselves." 

Either that or he's completely ignorant of your feelings and is thinking "OMG ...I'd *LOVE* to tap that!!!"  Since I don't know your hubby, I can't say. But my guess is that he wishes you would fix something about your appearance. since he's leaving the surfing history intact.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

LouAnn Poovy said:


> *No I did not suggest such a thing. *





LouAnn Poovy said:


> Doesn't matter that you are ok with it...the OP is NOT


So what did you mean by that then?


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Uh totally disagree with the first part of your post Terry. Even gays and women are visual creatures and look as well. Just saying. Men are not as special in that area as they want to believe.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

To the OP, I did not read all of the replies so I apologize if its already been said, but regardless of men are visual creatures, why are you with someone who continues to hurt you? If its something you're not ok with, then thats just how you feel, period.


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## LouAnn Poovy (Mar 21, 2013)

johnnycomelately said:


> So what did you mean by that then?


*
Well since there is no context in your post I don't know what I meant, but if i get time I'll look back and see. *


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## LouAnn Poovy (Mar 21, 2013)

Terry_CO said:


> This.
> 
> We look. It's how we're hard-wired, unless we're gay ...or dead.
> 
> ...


So you are saying men looking at other women are comparing their girlfriends/wives to those other women?


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## olwhatsisname (Dec 5, 2012)

I have read most of this. was he cut off, estranged(comic element intended).????are you loving him,and your connection solid. you might have created his situation,and require help. once started it is hard to stop.


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## LouAnn Poovy (Mar 21, 2013)

olwhatsisname said:


> I have read most of this. was he cut off, estranged(comic element intended).????are you loving him,and your connection solid. you might have created his situation,and require help. once started it is hard to stop.


*She created his situation? Hmmm. :scratchhead: *


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## Jamie.11 (Feb 20, 2013)

Why not sit and talk and find a solutions acceptable to both the parties


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Jamie.11 said:


> Why not sit and talk and find a solutions acceptable to both the parties


This would of course be the ideal but unless she can talk to him without being emotional and putting him on the defense then nothing will get worked out.


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## Jamie.11 (Feb 20, 2013)

Men are naturally lookers and curious. Don’t be bothered about this. Sexy babes online are just sexy babes. Join him when he’s looking and try asking his fantasies which you can do for him!


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## olwhatsisname (Dec 5, 2012)

Jamie.11 said:


> Men are naturally lookers and curious. Don’t be bothered about this. Sexy babes online are just sexy babes. Join him when he’s looking and try asking his fantasies which you can do for him!


A smile from a cashier (female) brightens our lives,that is why we serve the armed forces. we call the nude female ( ART ),going back thousands of years,and our women cant stand it if we look at any women,girls, ladies,most always. they have issues, not us men/boys. ladies your beauty brings us home and gives life value. you girls just manage to hide your curiosity better than we do.


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## olwhatsisname (Dec 5, 2012)

their should be a dictionary of words(eye candy) for instance. my recent quote brought about my ladies ire.


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## jims1020 (Apr 6, 2013)

I love my wife dearly, and we have lots of sex after 20 years of marriage. But I love to look at hot chicks online. I am infatuated with the woman's body. I think it is the most beautiful thing on earth. But I never put pics in front of the real thing. My wife knows, she will just walk by and say something like "really?" or "dirty old man" and laugh. She also knows all she has to do is give me a look or say the word and I am off the computer and in the bedroom in 10 seconds lol!


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

jims1020 said:


> I love my wife dearly, and we have lots of sex after 20 years of marriage. But I love to look at hot chicks online. I am infatuated with the woman's body. I think it is the most beautiful thing on earth. But I never put pics in front of the real thing. My wife knows, she will just walk by and say something like "really?" or "dirty old man" and laugh. She also knows all she has to do is give me a look or say the word and I am off the computer and in the bedroom in 10 seconds lol!


It's called confidence. You are lucky, as am I.


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