# What do you think?



## What should I do? (Dec 27, 2012)

Hello,
I've been married for about 10 years now but not very happy. My husband is a great guy but I just don't feel the love for him that I use to. 
His work became a huge problem in the beginning of our marriage to the point where once I had our son, I felt like a single mother. (I should add that he is a Marine and we were on recruiting duty at the time). He was gone by 6am and home around 11pm and the time he did have off was spent doing volunteer work like security for local high school basketball games and that sort of thing and other times it was hanging out with the boys. So I was totally left alone for 2 years, and after drinking a lot to try to amuse myself I finally decided this/he was not worth it and a part of my heart died. I have never felt the same about him since. After recruit duty was over and we moved back to CA, we went about things as usual but I still felt alone and he still wasn't paying me much attention. He spent most of the time on the computer. I eventually started going out with my girl friends. At first only once a week, but then it went to 2,3,4 and 5 nights a week. I don't usually drink when I go out, I go out to dance, I love to dance. I was having fun again and feeling more like myself. There was a breaking point and **** hit the fan and I asked for a divorce. He took me to marriage counseling and the dr tried very hard to convince me that the love I once had but lost for him would come back again in time if given the chance. For me, once I'm hurt, I block the thing that hurts me until it dies and once gone is never retrieved. I did try to work things out with my husband, he stopped playing on the computer so much and tried to do more family things. He really did try and it was great. Only 6 years later, I still don't feel the love for him I use to. Its also been a very long time since I've wanted sex with him, probably around 6 years. I have sex with him to make him happy, though it's not as often as he would like.
I love him and I would be heart broken if I never spoke to him again, but I feel like I'm dying inside and that my life is not mine but his and I am here only to make him happy and to keep our family together. I feel empty like something is missing from my life, like I'm a passenger going though the motions putting on a happy face when inside I want to break free. I don't know who to talk to or what I should do, I don't want to lose him from my life and have him hate me but I feel I can't live like this. I feel like I'm lying to him when I tell him I'm happy and love him. I'm also scared to go out on my own because I have been dependent on him for so long. What should I do??


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

I need to ask - have you met someone else outside the marriage? Are you like close-friends with some other person at the moment?


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## What should I do? (Dec 27, 2012)

caladan said:


> I need to ask - have you met someone else outside the marriage? Are you like close-friends with some other person at the moment?


No
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Well you sound just like my wife two years ago. I can tell you after a year and a half of pain we are back in love like we once were. 

It sounds like to me that you have built up resentment which is poison in a marriage. This can be resolved but it will take time. You need to learn how to process the resentment. Counseling helps. 

What I am reading that caugh my eye and sticks out is that you still love him. Mine did too, which was part of what saved us in the end. MC also helped.

I could not help but notice how you phrased MC...."He took me to marriage counseling and the dr tried very hard to convince me that the love I once had but lost for him would come back again in time if given the chance."

Not "we went to MC"...but "he took me". Sounds like you were resistant to working on it. Not only to working on your marriage, but to what the professional analysis was. I assume the MC was a qualified licensed professional? 

This was my wife also. She was so guarded that she would barely open up in sessions and described as stoic by our counselor. In the end when push came to shove and I had had enough, we nearly divorced, then the light went on and for the next six plus months we worked back to a much better place.

My advice. Be proactive and find a good promarriage counselor together. One you both can agree with going to work with. 

I think you deep down want this to work, but it take two to tango.

All in my humble opinion. I wish you well.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

caladan said:


> I need to ask - have you met someone else outside the marriage? Are you like close-friends with some other person at the moment?


My wife also had some damaging relationships that helped her treat our marriage as if it was worth destroying.

Do a little self analysis. Are any of those girlfriends supporting your wayward thinking? Any males you are sharing you marriage issues with?

If so, stop!!! Get a MC with your husband. These other people will only damage yours and your husbands marriage. They are not vested!


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

What should I do? said:


> No
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Fair enough. External "influences" can bring a salvageable marriage crashing rather fast.

I'm not able to comment much here - 6 years of trying is one hell of a long time. You also appear to have done the usual stuff - MC and all that. I personally wouldn't have waited that long in a loveless relationship.

I suggest that you be truthful with your husband and let him know where you are. Anything else would be rather... unfair to him.


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## What should I do? (Dec 27, 2012)

This is me said:


> Well you sound just like my wife two years ago. I can tell you after a year and a half of pain we are back in love like we once were.
> 
> It sounds like to me that you have built up resentment which is poison in a marriage. This can be resolved but it will take time. You need to learn how to process the resentment. Counseling helps.
> 
> ...



It's not that I was resistant to go, I just don't see how a MC can talk me into falling in love. I'm not in love with him, I love him, he is my best friend and the father of my children. I would never want to hurt him or cause him pain and lose his friendship, but I feel like I'm living a lie and trying to make everyone else happy to keep the peace.
I did try to make it work, for 6 years I tried to pretend like everything was great. In order to do that, I have had to stop living. I stay at home and don't talk to anyone because any outside distraction makes me see what I'm missing and how lonely I am. It's the only thing I can do to keep the illusion that I'm happy in my life. Is that anyway to live? I don't know.


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## What should I do? (Dec 27, 2012)

This is me said:


> My wife also had some damaging relationships that helped her treat our marriage as if it was worth destroying.
> 
> Do a little self analysis. Are any of those girlfriends supporting your wayward thinking? Any males you are sharing you marriage issues with?
> 
> If so, stop!!! Get a MC with your husband. These other people will only damage yours and your husbands marriage. They are not vested!



I don't talk to anyone about what's going on. Everyone thinks we have a great relationship and by all appearences, we do, but internally I'm sad


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## What should I do? (Dec 27, 2012)

caladan said:


> Fair enough. External "influences" can bring a salvageable marriage crashing rather fast.
> 
> I'm not able to comment much here - 6 years of trying is one hell of a long time. You also appear to have done the usual stuff - MC and all that. I personally wouldn't have waited that long in a loveless relationship.
> 
> I suggest that you be truthful with your husband and let him know where you are. Anything else would be rather... unfair to him.



I want to tell him, but the thought of hurting him and my kids is more than I can bear. I don't want him or his family to hate me, and because we have kids, I would have to keep incontact with them and then there is having to be separated from my kids for a few days, while he and his family have them, is unbearable. I love my kids so much and the thought of being apart from them for even one day kills me. 
I've played the happy house wife to make everyone happy, him, my kids and my husbands family. They are a loving family, but cross them and you may as well be dead. It would hurt me to have them hate me. I'm so mixed, I don't know what to do  
Its either keep everyone else happy and suffer in silence or make myself happy and make them all suffer. I've never been a selfish person and leaving, while it would eventually make me happy would make everyone else sad. I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't know what to do. I keep myself from crying by playing with my kids, reading books, watching tv doing house work and staying awake until I'm so tired I pass out in bed instead of laying there thinking and crying. I basically keep myself busy so I don't think about how unhappy I am. How could I possibly hurt the ones I love to make myself happy. I just couldn't do it. He would never understand how I'm feeling. I told him years ago everything I felt and his solution was to go to MC, no dr is going to talk me into being in love with someone. All I did 6years ago was suck it up and be happy hanging out with my best friend (husband). I love to hang out with him but is that enough??


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

What should I do? said:


> I want to tell him, but the thought of hurting him and my kids is more than I can bear. I don't want him or his family to hate me, and because we have kids, I would have to keep incontact with them and then there is having to be separated from my kids for a few days, while he and his family have them, is unbearable. I love my kids so much and the thought of being apart from them for even one day kills me.
> I've played the happy house wife to make everyone happy, him, my kids and my husbands family. They are a loving family, but cross them and you may as well be dead. It would hurt me to have them hate me. I'm so mixed, I don't know what to do
> Its either keep everyone else happy and suffer in silence or make myself happy and make them all suffer. I've never been a selfish person and leaving, while it would eventually make me happy would make everyone else sad. I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't know what to do. I keep myself from crying by playing with my kids, reading books, watching tv doing house work and staying awake until I'm so tired I pass out in bed instead of laying there thinking and crying. I basically keep myself busy so I don't think about how unhappy I am. How could I possibly hurt the ones I love to make myself happy. I just couldn't do it. He would never understand how I'm feeling. I told him years ago everything I felt and his solution was to go to MC, no dr is going to talk me into being in love with someone. All I did 6years ago was suck it up and be happy hanging out with my best friend (husband). I love to hang out with him but is that enough??


The way I see it there are two options - 

1 - if you're certain that things can't change ever, then go ahead and ask for a separation/divorce, and then you both end up with joint custody

or 

2 - You talk to your husband about what's going on, and you both have a frank discussion about what you need, what you have, etc. This option may still end up with divorce, but it's less sudden than above.

Either way, first you need to get things straight in your mind - identify what you need (or can't stand) about your marriage, and make it plain that you can no longer live under those conditions. Every relationship requires some loss of personal identity, but it has to be give and take by both parties. 

One more thing - while I admire your not wanting to hurt your husband, it makes no sense for you to be in pain constantly, you MUST let your frustration show. Discuss it, see if things can be made better.


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

This is probably how my stbxw felt... We both got to the point of resenting each other for different reasons. When she kept everything inside to 'keep the peace'.

Maybe separating (and not seeing anyone else) would give you a chance to see what you want for your future.


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## katc (Aug 7, 2011)

I'm not so sure I believe that the "love" can return again. 

Once it's gone (for me anyway), it's gone.

I've only been married 4 years, to a moody man. There has been alot of disrespect, we live separate lives now. Share a home, dogs, expenses and that is it. 

The thought of sharing a bed with him, or being intimate with him repulses me.

To those who can and do get it back, I find it amazing.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

I'm with you, katc, I can't imagine it COMING BACK. Maybe because I was married to a selfish man who REFUSED to get help, refused to make any concessions; it was HIS way or the highway.

Maybe if a spouse/SO shows TRUE change of heart, TRUE understanding, TRUE commitment, TRUE effort *that* might make the difference.


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## katc (Aug 7, 2011)

SlowlyGettingWiser - TOTALLY agree.

Husby doesn't think there is anything wrong with HIM ... it's everyone else.

Good guy, but delusional in some respects.


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