# New here and scared



## sbee (Oct 13, 2015)

I'm new as of today to this forum. I was browsing for a couple of days and then thought this seems like a healthy place to be. I'm unsure of how this goes but thought I could toss out where I am right now...

Married for 24 years two kids ages 10 and 8. I found out my husband (need to learn all the abbreviations ) had a secret friendship with a woman I do not know. He travels a lot for business and they met on the road somewhere. I found a FB page he had opened under an alias and his only friend was her. I confronted him in July and told him her or his family he chose to stay with us, both of us have been in therapy separately as he said he needed to work on himself first then us. We've had a wonderful few months going on dates and spending time talking. He told me he loved me very much but was not sure he felt the same he did 5 years ago. Said I made volunteering at my kids school more of a priority than him. He started a few weeks ago saying he wasn't sure what the future looked liked and then starting acting distant again. I went into some of his websites and found stuff on his phone to indicate he is still in touch with her and even some texts that professed love between them. Nothing recent but certainly after he told me he ended it with her. Financially its a struggle for us and I think he is only here because he has to be. I've not yet confronted him with new info I seeing my Dr tomorrow to discuss game plan....I still hold out hope he will come to realize what he is throwing away. I'm trying the 180 plan for now but I think he iikes it. He moved into guest room after I asked him casually if this OW had kept her distance and not been in touch with him. He was furious with me for bringing her up since she caused us so much pain took off for the entire day. she lives in another state too far to drive to thankfully. 

If you've read this far Thank you, I still have a lot to sort out but I'm open to any advice. Felt good just to toss that out there. Again I'm an optimist and hold out hope we can fix this.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
"We" can fix this, you cannot. If your H is not on board then your efforts will prove futile. If you want any chance of this working out then you must remove that new, shiny toy from his view. If he is still in contact with her then you cannot compete. She is perfect, she understands and it will not be until he breaks from her that he can see this is not true. She is a worse woman than you because whatever her other flaws may be, her integrity is very weak engaging with a married man.

In my opinion, you should expose what you know to family and friends so that he must accept and bear the shame and consternation. If he blames you for raining down wrath on him simply tell him that you did nothing but expose the truth. Tell him that if the only way he can be respected is by deceit, lying to friends and family and presenting a faux persona, then he is not much of a man. Continue with the 180 and work on you, be the best you can be. He will either see his folly or he won't but either way, it has to be him that wants it and strives for it, you cannot do it for him. Good fortune to you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Please do remember this IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!

He resents you spending time on HIS children? :wtf: is he serious about this?

Sadly he probably is. Wife and children are perceived as sheet anchors dragging him back, whilst his new little honey is the wind beneath his wings. (BARF!!)

The dreadful stench he is ignoring is the fact that cheater's wind is really only flatulence.

180. Lawyers, out the bounder and cad that your husband had degenerated into.

Get STD tests and protect yourself and your children.

We will be here for you to help you keep strong. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

You have-at the moment-an unremorseful Wayward Spouse (WS). As long as that continues, you can't hope to R (reconcile). He is still clearly in his affair fog and NoChoice is absolutely correct. In his present state, the affair partner (AP) is perfect and you are the ball and chain bringing down his buzz. Sick isn't it.

Remember WS, lie, and you know they lie because their mouth is open. He will deny the affair, then blame you for any "possible" dalliance. He will say you ignore him with the kids, and then say the family puts too much pressure on him. He will complain that you spend too much money while he freely spends on the OW (other woman). Its a sickness.

Do the 180- hard. Be pleasant and self-sufficient. And remember, that only sometimes does the 180 cause a WS to wake-up and notice what he's missing. Its really for you to become a stronger person, someone who has personal boundaries-because you really don't have them now.

The strongest tool you have to beak up the A is to expose, to your family, his family, the OW's family. If work is at all involved, expose there too. He will hate you for it. Stay strong. He believes he is "entitled" to his happiness and if you challenge that delusion (sort of like you did when you even mentioned the OW) he will fight back. He likes the fog. Soon, with the family pressure, he may come to realize that he's hurting all the people he used to say he loved. Then he stays or he doesn't. You can't control him.

Before you expose, collect all the financials you can. Every bank account, mortgage, insurance, retirement account, investment and tax return-and copy them all and stick them in a safe place. Then go consult with an attorney to know exactly where you stand financially. How much you could anticipate having should there be a separation. Go see a MD for STD and stress. My ex's OW 1 also lived out of state, but they still managed to go physical.

If after exposure he says he won't go No Contact (NC), you hand him separation papers. I know you're going to say that you don't want to divorce. Trust me when I say no one ever wants this. But it is the big stick you have. You can ALWAYS stop the process once he realizes what he's about to give up.

And let me add, this entire process $ucks, and I'm really, really sorry you are here.


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## Dycedarg (Apr 17, 2014)

Tell him the OW didn't cause all this pain.

He did.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Go get divorce papers drawn up immediately and present them to him and HIS PARENTS...MASS EXPOSURE OF THE AFFAIR must be done immediately. TELL ANYONE WHO CARES ABOUT HIM AND WHO HAS INFLUENCE. Parents, pastor, blow up his FB friends with what he is doing. Put this **** in the spotlight and let see how COOL he thinks it is..Blow up her FB friends as well. Confront this bimbo!! Do it NOW! DUDE

Unless for some reason you want out of the Marriage and a good settlement, which can usually be had in the FOG if you don't expose?


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

You would be wise to assume that he never stopped seeing her. Please, expose the affair and talk to an attorney to protect yourself and your children.


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

A lot of good advice and suggestions here. Now, your husband is not only trying to displace blame onto you, but he is still in contact with the OW? WTF???

I was the adulterer in my marriage, but when my wife called me on it, I openly admitted without hesitation and agreed to go fully NC with my APs and have held up my end of the bargain since then (12/19/14).

If your husband does not own what he has done, if he shows no remorse for how he has treated you and your marriage, if he doesn't get into some kind of counseling, then you need to put signed divorce papers in front of him to show him you mean business.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

karole said:


> You would be wise to assume that he never stopped seeing her. Please, expose the affair and talk to an attorney to protect yourself and your children.


Talk to attorney first, you will have way more leverage if the exposure threat is there if you want to BOLT..DUDE


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

As always great advice given on this site. I am truly sorry he had put you in this situation. Please believe in your heart it is NOT your fault. If you spouse shows no remorse and hasn't stopped with the other woman it is likely that he will not. Protect your heart, hard 180 and protect your children.


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

The others are right in that it isn't your fault. If your volunteering at your kids school became a big factor and you ignored the problem, you may shoulder some of the blame for issues, but there is never a justifiable cause for cheating, EA or PA. Spouses use that as an excuse to ease their own guilt, he wants to keep his foot in two different doors.

The only bad thing about going all "public" like some have suggested, you have to keep in mind how it will affect your kids? My son's to this day and they are 26 & 23, have no idea their mother cheated on me and nothing good would come of it if they did knew then or now.

If he is still talking to her, showing no remorse and didn't really care to move into the other room, they you can pretty much stick a fork in your marriage. He will use the excuse that neither one of you can leave financially, to basically do what he wants. You have to find a way to call his bluff, stay with family or friends, file for divorce, something to make it "real" to him.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

You are getting great advice here. You need to see a lawyer and know where you stand. In the meantime, gather and make copies of all your financial papers: taxes, saving, checking, retirement. pension plan, mortgage papers(plus deed of house) and put them in a safe place. If you have a friend who can keep them great. 

Talk to a lawyer and see where you stand. You need to be armed. You have nothing to lose here. If you need a divorce, then you are prepared. If not and everything turns out ok, then at least you got educated. 

Good luck and keep posting.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

sbee said:


> Said I made volunteering at *my kids* school more of a priority than him.


Are they just your kids, or both of yours? Not that it matters in the big picture but the answer to this sheds a little light on the dynamic of your relationship. I'm also curious if you agree with him. Have you de-prioritized him? Or is that just the fog speaking?


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## BrokenLady (Jan 19, 2015)

Hi. I'm pretty new here too. It sucks doesn't it? I thought I was a strong woman but I crumbled when I found out. I've been with my H for 25 years & our kids are a little younger than yours. I feel so incredibly vulnerable. I've spent my whole adult life with him. I truly believed he was my family. It NEVER once occurred to me that something like this could happen. 

The CRAZY thing is my H started an emotional affair (EA) with the SAME woman he had an affair with 12 years ago!! She lives several states away now. I never came to forums, I didn't seek advise, I basically let him pretend it had never happened the first time. I now wonder if I'd followed the 'rules' & advise they give here...would it of happened again?

My H not only becomes distant when he's having an affair (A) he becomes mean. I call him Mr Alien!! He's usually a very kind & gentle man but the 2 times he's betrayed me he's been a monster. From my experience I'd guess your H did break contact (That's why things were good) then she suckered him back in some how. My H can't act 'normal' while betraying his morals, values & FAMILY. It's important, if he does agree to work on his family & leave her, that he BLOCKS her from all contact. 

Please don't let him trash your self-esteem. Cheating spouces say ANYTHING to excuse their behavior. Sometimes the marriage is in trouble making them a little more vulnerable but in my case (I've got 12 years hindsight) I did NOTHING wrong! This time he blamed my health!! This time last year I nearly died. It took a couple of mails back & forth for him to ask her to create a secret account so they could communicate without me knowing! So for me it's all my fault because I'm sick & for you it's because you were active in your kids lives! When it's spelt out like that we can see how crazy they are when in 'the fog'!!

We are in R (reconciliation). My H hasn't been to forums so he calls The Fog his insane fantasy. It took a little while to get it out of his system. At the start he continued to blame shift & rewrite the history of our marriage. Now he has woken-up. When he describes what he was feeling & thinking at the time even he admits it was crazy! 

I sincerely hope that your H wakes-up too. It's brutal going through this. I'm so sorry.


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## perol (Oct 6, 2015)

sbee said:


> I confronted him in July and told him her or his family he chose to stay with us


No he didn't. 

You confronted, you gave him a choice aka ultimatum and now you must follow through. 

Otherwise he knows he can do whatever he wants and just get mad at you to give him more freedom and flexibility.

Again, you have no choice but to divorce this cheating, lying husband of yours who has no intention of choosing you over her.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Sorry you are here especially after so many years together.

First of all dont let him put all blame on you. He cheated on your marriage and your family.
He is still in contact with this woman after you did try to work together. This tells me your husband is a fool (sorry). Why would anyone cheat on wife/husband especially after 20 plus years spent together  !!!

He knows he is hurting you but he does not care. 

Go and talk with your lawyer,because of yourself and your kids. It seems to me like your husband is checked out from your marriage so you need to be prepared. Maybe he can get a "wake up call" or maybe you would know where you stand with him.


Stay strong


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

woundedwarrior said:


> If he is still talking to her, showing no remorse and didn't really care to move into the other room, they you can pretty much stick a fork in your marriage.


Sadly, OP, I think this is the truth. 

I know you are sad now. It must be so hard to think he appreciates the distance. But I think releasing him is the only peaceful way forward.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

If he can't own this you're wasting your time.

I'd see a lawyer just to see where you stand. At least know what you're up against.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

The other man lived in Louisiana.

We lived in NYC..

It didn't stop them.. 

He got mad at you for bringing her up.. LOL

That is rich.. 

Please tell your husband that bobby from brooklyn ny thinks he is an utter d0uchebag.. 

He is an utter coward and I would wipe the streets with him.. 

Your problem is you are too worried about saving the marriage and he knows it.. 

THIS IS WHAT YOU MUST DO TO HIM AND THIS WOMAN...

https://youtu.be/6PQ6335puOc?t=23s

Only then will you get him back..

You need to start acting like a single mom.. Go out and don't tell him sh!t... 

THEN when he opens up that flap in his face he calls a mouth.. 
THEN YOU VERBALLY PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE WITH WHAT YOU KNOW.... 

Why am I going out, because of this*Show evidence*... Since you don't give a sh!t, then neither do I.. There are enough men that are interested in me.. It's about time I gave them a shot.. It's not gonna be hard ( no pun intended ) to find someone that last more than 15 minutes in bed.. Plus I'm tired of faking it in bed with you.. 

Then walk out... 

He has ZERO fear of losing you.. 

And guess what, if he leaves.. Then he was leaving anyways.. All you did was speed up the inevitable.. 

Trust me I went through this.. I dragged it out till the bitter end.. All it does is make you feel worse.. My Ex wife faked it and still was seeing the other man.. She was just biding her time until she could STEAL enough money to leave.. Trust me these doppelgangers are just that.. They are not the spouses we used to know.. Those people no longer exist.


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## kwood (Feb 9, 2015)

please don't do what I did I was married for 23 years I caught my wife cheating 3 times with the same man. I held on to every bit of hope I had even after the divorce. it hard to go through but don't let him take your self respect .and understand you are a good women who should not be going through this. take care of you and your kids and let him go .


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

jld said:


> Sadly, OP, I think this is the truth.
> 
> I know you are sad now. It must be so hard to think he appreciates the distance. But I think releasing him is the only peaceful way forward.


I agree but I'd put it the other way around. She should release HERSELF because in the end it is the only way forward.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

sidney2718 said:


> I agree but I'd put it the other way around. She should release HERSELF because in the end it is the only way forward.


What is the difference, Sidney?


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