# What should I do



## ranger (Apr 9, 2010)

I have been married for 10 years and have two wonderful boys. My wife and I had a huge fight last night. In the fight she said,"I am not happy and we should not be together anymore. We don't have anything in common. We should have never gotten married in the first place." 

Well she is right, we really do not have anything in common. We don't do much together anymore at all. I have tried to get her to do some of my activities but she always has a reason not to. We are so opposite in personalities. 

We don't even sleep in the same bed or room for that matter. At first it was because of our oldest son was in the bed with us, he is 4, now we have our youngest (6 mos) and she gave the same reason. 

This fight really just got me thinking. Maybe she is right, we don't belong together at all. In other arguments she has said I hate you, and now she says she is not happy. And after thinking about this I am don't think I am happy either.

Today i have begun to think, I am not really happy either. I would like to have a partner who wants to go to sporting events and go out with friends or even find an activity we do together. 

I know this all sounds like rambling, sorry. I just don't know how to put this into words. Should we get a divorce? I love my wife and don't want to go through this and just get back together because we made a mistake in getting a divorce in the first place. 

I am just really wondering should we do this.... life is too short to be unhappy for either one of us.
Thx


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

ranger said:


> she has said I hate you, and now she says she is not happy.


hate is a pretty strong word to use for just not having anything in common. there's two extremes in your post. there's your idea that the split up is from not having anything in common, and her hating you. there's much more to this then sporting events. My H and i have very little in common, but i would never hate him for that. So why does she hate you?


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## ranger (Apr 9, 2010)

I am not good at putting this into words. So maybe it did not come out as i had hoped. I know she hates my smoking. I quit right after we met for about 3 years. I fell off that wagon when I went back to college and have not been able to quit again.. more than a few months. I honestly think being unhappy is one reason I do smoke. 

I really don't know why she hates me. I also forgot to say that the next morning she said she was sorry and she loved me. But I feel there is truth when she said she was unhappy.....


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

In this situation it is simply for the man to do this:

Become the man you want to be. Chances are your woman wants you to be this man as well.

All these situations, where the child is sleeping in the bed, and leading to no sex, is just the excuse for the relationship that has moved away from sexual attraction. The woman is resenting the man for making her not feel attractive, and the man resents his woman for "witholding sex". 

It is two sides of the same coin in this scenario.

Your woman "HATES YOU" because she blames you for her not feeling attractive like a woman.

You want the partner to accompany you to sporting events or go out? This is simple, just make the plans and tell your woman "let's go". 

Do NOT simply sit back and wait for your woman to lead you or to ask "permission" to begin to do these things, things that are the same as "dating" or "courting". These things she is expecting you to do, even if she is not saying or even acting enthused. 

To make these plans yourself, and invite your woman along even on an activity that maybe is not her first choice, this does not matter so much. It is the interest that you are showing her that will matter, and to her feelings that you are wanting to be seen with her, and to get to know her, these things are what matter.

So simply this, take charge of your happiness, if you are wanting this or that in your relationship then be the man that will make the plans and give the invitation to your woman. 

This is the same for dating, for sex, for communication, in all these things if you are unhappy then take it to the bank your woman is also unhappy, and is resenting you for not taking care of these responsibilities as her man.

I wish you well.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

ranger said:


> I am not good at putting this into words. So maybe it did not come out as i had hoped. I know she hates my smoking. I quit right after we met for about 3 years. I fell off that wagon when I went back to college and have not been able to quit again.. more than a few months. I honestly think being unhappy is one reason I do smoke.
> 
> I really don't know why she hates me. I also forgot to say that the next morning she said she was sorry and she loved me. But I feel there is truth when she said she was unhappy.....


 Sorry, but I would NEVER stay with a man who smokes. It is quite frankly disgusting. The house stinks, YOU stink, it wastes money...I just wouldn't.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Do your kids still sleep in bed with you? You REALLY need to change that. Seriously. 

Married couples should be spending 15 hours a week together doing things together outside of childcare and housework and work. Are you? Time to start setting up some dates or activities.

Also, go to marriagebuilders.com and print out the Love Buster questionnaire, two copies. Ask her to fill it out with you. Share the answers. Hers will tell you what she doesn't like about you. Once you know that, STOP doing what she doesn't like!

It will take you a few months to change those habits, but work vigorously on it; consider it cramming for a final exam. And by all means, do whatever it takes to stop smoking!

After you have changed your habits and no longer Love Bust her, print out the Emotional Needs questionnaire and fill them out together. It will tell you what is most important to her. YOU should be the ONLY person meeting her top 5 ENs. Make sure that you are. 

Because if you don't, someone else will come along and do it for you.


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## ranger (Apr 9, 2010)

turnera I understand your position. However, I do not smoke it the house never. The oldest sleeps in his own bed however, the youngest does. It is just me and him. She sleeps in the spare room and has done this for over 3 years now. 

15 hours a week. I am lucky if we do something together at all outside of normal life things. I can't get her to go and do things with me and She does nothing. She has said her hobby is the boys. Thanks for the website. I will try that. 

Wolf- you are complete misunderstanding the entire situation and off base. 

Blanca- ty for your reply. 

I am still just trying to figure out what should be done. Once again thanks turnera.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That's not the point. You point blank said she doesn't want you to smoke. And here you are in marriage hell. Yet even losing your wife isn't enough of a reason to quit.

I'm not saying it's easy. My mom just died, mainly from emphysema, and she only quit when she was 76 and could no longer breathe. She lived two more years after that, and they were miserable years; she could walk maybe 30 feet, and have to sit down and breathe. I get it.

But here you are, wondering if you are going to divorce. And here is ONE SOLID THING you can do that would make a HUGE effect on your wife, and you're not pushed enough even by that, to stop?

I'm asking you to reassess your priorities.


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## lola_b (Aug 28, 2009)

I said "No"

1. Have your wife examined for Postpartum Depression, this could be a huge factor in why she feels the way she does (unhappy)...she may not know she's suffering from it.
2. Quit smoking, not only for your health, but for your kids as well.
3. Kids belong in their own beds and you belong in bed with your wife

You don't need to like all the same things as your partner...but there should definitely be some give an take. You do some things that she likes and she does some things you like once in a while. Try new things that neither of you have done before as well


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## ranger (Apr 9, 2010)

Thank you for your replies. I still am in limbo. It is not Marriage hell. It just feels as if we are roommates. 

As for smoking, I want to quit. I have several times for two years at a time. However, one reason I smoke is because I am unhappy. Like those damn things will make me happy.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

I also say "No"

I don't know how long you and/or your wife have felt unhappy in the marriage but it does seem to me that you haven't yet devoted nearly sufficient time to getting things back on track. Is that really a serious question on your part ???

How long is it since you/your wife were happy? Think about what used to make you happy and evaluate what's gone wrong and how to put it right so you can be happy again. 

I agree with Tunera about the smoking and no doubt there'll be other reasons for your wife's unhappiness, so do look to ascertaining these reasons. 

In the end I guess its all down to how hard you BOTH want to work at the marriage. Having said that, working at the marriage consistently is so much easier said than done (I know, lol) but it's got to be worth it compared to getting divorced. You can't assume that getting divorced will make you happy.


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## ONE (Mar 3, 2010)

Ranger - I'm going to be very frank with you. You need to serve your wife. You need to step up and make some changes about you. You can't change her, but you can make a change in you.

I say this as a guy who has gone through a lot in my marriage, but after two years of really serving my wife our marriage has turned around. We have an amazing marriage now and I still serve her each and every day.

Is it going to take time and an honest look at how you approach your marriage, YES. Is it worth it, YES. I can say that today my wife and I have an amazing marriage that I didn't think was even possible a few years ago.

A book that I recently finished that is a must read is Bo's Cafe. Wow, this book will make you think about serving your wife.

I was talking with my uncle just last week about how he quit smoking. He was telling me that his doctor prescribed a pill that he was to take each day, not sure what it was, but after 25 years of smoking he quit. If smoking is a big deal to your wife I'd make an appointment with your doc and stop smoking.


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## jynxster (Apr 22, 2010)

You need to step up and take control. You seem to be very passive and reactive here. You are only thinking about divorce because she brought it up. 

Don't let her emotions control you. Hate is an emotional word and that's all. She proved it by saying she is sorry and that she loves you. 

Take control, I'll bet she is waiting for you to do so, start becoming the person that she would want, make yourself attractive to her again, only you know how to do this. 

Smoking is gross, maybe she hates the smell and thats why she sleeps in another bed? I wonder if she puts on a tough shell but cries alone in bed because she misses you. The ball is in your court...step up. Divorce is not the answer, at least not yet.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

number one, quit smoking. i understand what you are saying about being unhappy and using tobacco, its like an "i'll show you" scenario or "if you wont make me happy, this will", its only hurting you.

however, it does sound like she needs to seek some help for herself too. you cant drag her to it, she has to want it. i have found my wife to be very stubborn in this area (she needs alot of help), but she wont do a thing until i lead and seek help for the things she thinks i need to work on. so its a stalemate, the outcome will be bad i fear


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I know there are bigger issues than the smoking, but I just have to agree with jynxster about its grossness. Those of you who smoke don't observe it, cos you're on the other side. My mom smoked and it made me nauseous just to be around her, once I moved out. I dated ONE smoker, ONCE, and I made him brush his teeth before I'd kiss him because he stank so bad. My daughter tried to date a guy and couldn't stand the smell, so she broke up with him; but she told me that if it weren't for that, they were perfect for each other.

So it really does make a huge difference if the other person has a low tolerance for it.


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