# Wife makes more $$, wants to move from West Coast to East Coast



## redbaron007 (Oct 16, 2014)

Our 11 year marriage (one 5 year old boy) is strained because of a single question: For job reasons, should we stay in California (not great so far for her, good for me) or move to Georgia (apparently better for her, not good for me)?

As she earns more than me being a physician (~275K vs my ~140K), she is hellbent on moving to Atlanta as she does not like the current practice she is working with, and has a close physician friend working in Atlanta. I have a good job in the software industry here that I do not want to leave...and having turned forty it will be harder to find a comparable position outside of Silicon Valley even if it is in Atlanta....so I will not leave my job.

My opinion is that she has not tried hard enough to find a good practice here, and has given up far too soon after a single interview. There are over 40 openings in the state (yes, this is a big figure considering her Obgyn specialty) including 10 within 100 miles yet she has not bothered to try for them...

This difference in opinion has hardened our stances. If my wife decides to leave California and move to East Coast, our marriage is finished, so I will have no option but to approach a lawyer, file for divorce and stop her from leaving without a proper visitation arrangement and maybe get her to pay for the trips too, considering she chose to leave the state unilaterally. Her concern is that I will somehow prevent her from taking my son with her, which is not true. I want to ensure our son gets enough time to spend with me if we are on opposite coasts. But she is scared of lawyers and suspects the worst.

This probably manifests itself in being over-protective towards our son and defensive....to the point that there were signs of parental alienation (asking leading questions to our son:"Who is your best friend, daddy or mamma?", etc). After my loud protests, she has backed off and uses phrases like "Daddy and me both love you"....but I can see that underlying tension is still present.

Son once said "Daddy hit me" which shocked me to tears but this did not happen again (see my thread in Parenting section). He was keen on me reading to his Montessori class which I did today where I spent a couple of hours...

I have bought a voice recorder to record conversations to safeguard myself in future...

My question is: has anyone here been successful in cases where the wife earns more (a lot more) than the husband yet they have an EQUAL marriage, meaning husband is not a sissy and stands up for himself? If so, what would they do in my situation?


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening redbaron007
Do not let this issue "go nuclear" on your marriage. It is a single isolated question, not related to children, manliness etc. 

IMHO the amount of money made doesn't influence the decision. Normally I would allow the "don't move" vote to win, BUT the person who doesn't want to move should take into account how important this is for the one who does want to move.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

My friend lives next to dirt bags. They are unhappy with what the neighbor leaves in the yard and called the DEP and such. The authorities did nothing. The dirtbag occasionally shoots my friends house with a BB gun and puts holes in the vinyl siding.

Why did I say this? The answer is becuase you cant' win a fight against a dirtbag. Is your wife a dirtbag? No. But she is irrational. And she is willing to alienate your child against you. She is irrational becuase anyone with any sense of logic would realize that a physician is the one who can work anywhere, whereas somone in software should be in california. 

But can you win this fight? Rational logic is not a factor. What does your life look like if you get divorced? 

I would consider a few things. One would be a post nuptual agreement in case you do move, since your income will be limited.


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## redbaron007 (Oct 16, 2014)

DoF said:


> No wonder our entire healthcare is screwed, willing to bet there is not even a handful of doctors IN THIS WORLD (outside of US) that come even CLOSE to that.
> 
> Talking about 1st world problems......
> 
> Sorry for nothing


Other doctors in the world do not:
- incur hundreds of thousands of $ debt for med school
- work 100 hours a week day+night+weekends+holidays for a pittance during four years of residency (four years for Obgyn)
...and while in private practice:
- pay five figures malpractice insurance since there is no cap for $lawsuit awards in many states 
- be at the mercy of HMOs who really run the healthcare system and rake in billions $ (I actually worked for one in the past, so I know)
- be available on call at all hours to rush from bedroom to OR/ER
- pay the kind of taxes we pay

Finally, we were both born and raised in a third world country, and have studied, lived and worked in third and first world countries (US+Europe) and worked our a**es off for decades..

Not related to my original post, but did feel I needed to respond to the unhelpful post.


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## redbaron007 (Oct 16, 2014)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening redbaron007
> Do not let this issue "go nuclear" on your marriage. It is a single isolated question, not related to children, manliness etc.
> 
> IMHO the amount of money made doesn't influence the decision. Normally I would allow the "don't move" vote to win, BUT *the person who doesn't want to move should take into account how important this is for the one who does want to move.*


Richard Sharpe, you have a good point there...which is why I'm trying to get wife to at least interview for a few more positions before packing bags and moving to East coast.

Update here:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/family...ld-shocked-me-tears-today-3.html#post10760442


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Have you even looked at the opportunities in your field in Atlanta? It is not like she is asking you to move to Pocatello, Idaho. Have you talked to a Headhunter that specializes in your field? What are you doing on your end other than saying "I am not going"?


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

She does not sound very interested in a relationship with you.
Is the close physician friend a potential romantic interest or could there be one in Atlanta?


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

Do either of you have roots or family in Atlanta or on the east coast?

I'm wondering if she maybe wants to 've closer to family or needs a fresh start.... Being an obgyn and having lost a baby (your son's twin if I recall?) cannot be easy. Maybe she thinks moving will be a reset button of some kind?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Givernor (Oct 3, 2014)

I've read both of your posts and what stands out is this:

You have said very little positive about your wife. You have never claimed a deep connection exists between you and her. 

What you have said sums up to the following:

- She makes more money than you and it bothers you/ both of you.
- You're both trying to compete for a larger share of your child's love.
-She is deeply committed to being a career woman and it seems to create anxiety regarding motherhood.
-You both have the means to provide for a child exclusively.

Look my friend, money is needed to raise a child but a child needs a FAMILY. That is a mother and a father that love each other first,separate from everything else. Two overeducated business people checking off the list in Parent Digest Weekly is not going to cut it here. If you are a loving couple it doesn't ****ing matter where you live and how many zeros your net worth consumes.

There are families living on beans. The mother is a secretary and the father is serving overseas three, four, five years in a row and their child would not ever question if mom and dad really gave a **** about them or each other. 

YOU need to get your head on straight. And IF this woman is a controlling harpy bent on proving herself to god knows who, WALK!

And walk fast. Your child deserves a family unit that is built on mutual respect and LOVE.


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## redbaron007 (Oct 16, 2014)

RClawson said:


> Have you even looked at the opportunities in your field in Atlanta? It is not like she is asking you to move to Pocatello, Idaho. Have you talked to a Headhunter that specializes in your field? What are you doing on your end other than saying "I am not going"?


I have just transitioned from trying to bootstrap my own startup back to a corporate job that took me 5 months of effort. As I mentioned, once you turn 40, it is not easy to get plum positions from zero, i.e. being unemployed. I am lucky to have landed this position since I worked for this company 2 years ago prior to my startup attempt. I will not get a second chance. Sure, I may find a contracting position in Atlanta and maybe a full-time one, but it could take months, where I make zero money. And oh, before I forget, all household chores were piled on me wholesale when I was attempting my startup, since I was not "bringing home the bacon". I don't wish to be in the same spot again.

I just hate the fact that the spouse who makes more money calls the shots...is it always like that?


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## redbaron007 (Oct 16, 2014)

Givernor said:


> I've read both of your posts and what stands out is this:
> 
> *You have said very little positive about your wife. You have never claimed a deep connection exists between you and her. *
> 
> ...


Good point about the deep connection....I have a vague memory of this when we first got married 11 years ago and it lasted a few years...it has been at least 5 years without any deep connection....I think my wife's residency workload + losing one of our twins during pregnancy completely burnt us out...all we seem to be doing is running like hamsters on a wheel...

All I want is to finally settle down in a place where we are REASONABLY happy and breathe a little. Maybe my attempt at starting my own business right after she completed her grueling residency was not a great idea, but I've learnt from it and moved on....

Again, I recognize this is a complicated issue but w/o MC this can jeopardize the entire marriage which would be a tragedy...especially because there is no infidelity on either side (and I've read the horror stories in the CWI section)...


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## redbaron007 (Oct 16, 2014)

I repeat my earlier question: Is it inevitable that the spouse who earns more calls the shots? Are there spouses here who have faced similar issues? I can't believe I am the only one who faced this. How have others dealt with this? I need some first person stories to compare. Thanks.


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## bilbo99 (Feb 16, 2011)

I'm sorry but you can find software / IT jobs in almost any large city. You are both acting like kids.


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## Husbandologist (Oct 25, 2014)

Hey Rebaron007,

The cause of your issue seems to be more about the existing balance of power that can be caused by money in marriages. 

And it sounds like the classic internal power struggle has reared its ugly head in your marriage. 

Perhaps your wife's insistence on moving to Atlanta is her way of maintaining the power in the relationship. Maybe she knows how tough it would be for you to maintain your earning power, if you were to move to Atlanta. 

I remember dealing with this at a point in my marriage. My wife's demeanor changed as I ventured out to start my own business. Working from home, not making what I was. 

As I began to take strides in business, she seemed to be disappointed. Almost trying to subconsciously sabotage my efforts. 

And one day I just explained to her that I wasn't going to put up with it and that if our marriage was going to last and strengthen, she needed to back off with her little power trip. 

But that only worked for us because we truly loved each other. We just let money and the power grab get in the way temporarily. 

But I can relate to what you're saying. 

If she's dead set on leaving, regardless, that shows a severe lack of empathy on her part. If you haven't exhausted all of your options or aren't willing to, when it comes to moving to the East Coast, it shows lack of empathy on your part. 

Without empathy, it's impossible to make any marriage work. 

But I can't help but wonder what facial expression your wife would give off if you told her you just got a job in Atlanta that pays 500k a year. 

Would she be happy? Or secretly jealous or disappointed?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

redbaron007 said:


> I have just transitioned from trying to bootstrap my own startup back to a corporate job that took me 5 months of effort. As I mentioned, once you turn 40, it is not easy to get plum positions from zero, i.e. being unemployed. I am lucky to have landed this position since I worked for this company 2 years ago prior to my startup attempt. I will not get a second chance. Sure, I may find a contracting position in Atlanta and maybe a full-time one, but it could take months, where I make zero money. And oh, before I forget, all household chores were piled on me wholesale when I was attempting my startup, since I was not "bringing home the bacon". I don't wish to be in the same spot again.
> 
> *I just hate the fact that the spouse who makes more money calls the shots...is it always like that?*


Generally, yes, the person who earns more tends to have more power. Traditionally it's the man who earns more. So when men are the lower earner they tend to not adjust well to it. Some women also have a problem adjusting to being the primary earner in a relationship.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Hicks said:


> My friend lives next to dirt bags. They are unhappy with what the neighbor leaves in the yard and called the DEP and such. The authorities did nothing. The dirtbag occasionally shoots my friends house with a BB gun and puts holes in the vinyl siding.
> 
> Why did I say this? The answer is becuase you cant' win a fight against a dirtbag. Is your wife a dirtbag? No. But she is irrational. And she is willing to alienate your child against you. She is irrational becuase anyone with any sense of logic would realize that a physician is the one who can work anywhere, *whereas somone in software should be in california*.
> 
> ...


I'm in software, don't live in California and have never had a problem finding a good, well paid job.

It's not true that someone in software should be in California. Every state has good jobs in the software field. Atlanta is a very good area for this.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

redbaron007,

Why not explore the Atlanta idea. Do some serious job hunting in the Atlanta area now, while you still have a job. You might be surprised and find something even better. You never know.

I believe in opening up opportunities in life. Then you have choices. Right now you just sound like it's your way or the high way.

Perhaps you could tell your wife that you will look for jobs in Atlanta and that she needs to seriously look for jobs in Cali. That way you two can open opportunities and then make a choice of where to live based on more opportunities instead of taking this hard stance that both of you are taking.

If in the end you don't find a good job in Atlanta or you decide not to move and get a divorce, that's your choice.


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## redbaron007 (Oct 16, 2014)

Lila said:


> Earlier this year I faced this very issue. My husband was offered a very lucrative position in Maryland (a place that I've visited many times but have no desire to live in). My initial response was very similar to yours. I was worried that I wouldn't be able to find a job within my field, at my current level.
> 
> As a backstory, we both have successful careers making very good money. He makes about 30% more than I do, but I have a more flexibility in my schedule which works perfectly when trying to raise a child.
> 
> ...


Thanks Lila..the bit about the higher earner making the call unilaterally is the problem I have...and I admit 99% of it has to do with the fact that I'm a guy..this is something that is primal in us..we feel uncomfortable if we are not in charge especially in big decisions that affect the family..

California, especially the Bay Area is expensive, that's a no-brainer..but there are reasons for my wanting to live here in California..building contacts for a future entrepreneurial tech venture, proximity to Silicon Valley investors, which are like no other in the world...not even Austin or NYC...also I love living near San Francisco which is a world city, the lovely Northern California vistas and vineyards...but of course, none of it is worth a dime if I have to live by myself apart from my family...

I have resigned myself to the fact that I have to relocate...unless she finds something more suitable here in the Bay Area.


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## redbaron007 (Oct 16, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Generally, yes, the person who earns more tends to have more power. Traditionally it's the man who earns more. So when men are the lower earner they tend to not adjust well to it. Some women also have a problem adjusting to being the primary earner in a relationship.


I actually adjusted quite well, up until the Atlanta move came up...as I mentioned in my other post, I suspect 99% of this issue has to do with my being a guy and instinctive desire to be in charge...which I have done for 12 out of 13 years in our marriage. I guess I just have to roll with it.


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## redbaron007 (Oct 16, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> redbaron007,
> 
> Why not explore the Atlanta idea. Do some serious job hunting in the Atlanta area now, while you still have a job. You might be surprised and find something even better. You never know.


I actually am just starting my new job coming Monday, and am already in a situation where I may have to leave in 6 months. The company has software opportunities in Atlanta so that's a plus but also requires me to stay in current role for at least 12 months before internal transfer...



EleGirl said:


> Perhaps you could tell your wife that you will look for jobs in Atlanta and that she needs to seriously look for jobs in Cali. That way you two can open opportunities and then make a choice of where to live based on more opportunities instead of taking this hard stance that both of you are taking.
> 
> If in the end you don't find a good job in Atlanta or you decide not to move and get a divorce, that's your choice.


Yes...which she has agreed to do as of this morning...my only ask was that she make an effort to have a couple of local offers in hand so we could do a proper comparison...


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## maccheese (Jul 25, 2011)

I say try for jobs in Atl, yes, this may push you out your comfort zone, but, if you don't find anything, at least you tries. Also, her making more than you should not be an issue. With your income alone, you could still be the breadwinner. She is just used to being in charge and control. She is a career woman. She needs to find a way to balance that.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

There's a book out called "When She Makes More" that says this:

"...women who are the main breadwinners still do at least 2/3 of the housework...men are least likely to cheat when their female partner’s make approximately 3/4 of his salary...And...the greater the income disparity, the greater the problems with ED...and reliance on drugs to remedy it." 

So...there is something to the gender and power dynamic here. But, I can't help thinking this is a bigger issue. She wants to move to Atlanta even if it will break up her marriage? You are willing to dig your heels in and stay in CA even if it means breaking up your marriage? Those are two people who don't really value the marriage. Sounds like you were headed for divorce anyway and this is just an excuse. 

The person who will suffer the most if your wife moves to Atlanta is your kid. If this is really about your wife wanting to divorce, maybe you can do that and have her live nearby so your child's life isn't so disrupted.


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