# Are All Guys Like This?



## whattodo17 (Jan 12, 2010)

After H sent me a text saying Happy Valentines Day, he then mentioned in conversation that no man after being married for a few years buys his wife anything for Valentines Day, that it's just another day.

I sit here and see all these married couples who are so happy together after years of marriage...am I destined to always be with the guys who could care less whether I'm around or not?

He treats me like the scum beneath his feet then blames me for his actions. For example, last year on my birthday he handed me a card that he had just bought, not signed and said, "didn't know if you wanted me to sign this or not but here it is". Of course that made me angry so I cried, which he blew up and called me a psycho b&%(*. 

I know I am codependent but when I am married to someone who treated me like a roommate and wanted to do what he wanted to do when he wanted to do it....I kinda wanted a husband who wanted to spend time with me, and tell me he loved me. 

I have no idea where I am going with this. I am just sitting here in tears feeling I am destined to this life alone. I sit here and think to the future, who would want a woman who works a crazy schedule at work and has a 2 year old? Not to mention he threatens me daily saying he knows he can get custody because of my work schedule and the fact that he only works weekends and has all week to spend with her. He can play his games but when I in turn igore him it's a different story. On Friday when he called me three times and text me four times and I never responded he got SO mad. What is this? I beg him to move out and he says he will but has to save up money, then goes and blows all his money dining out with friends. I gave him a deadline of the end of March to be out and he tells me he will then laughs about it.

I always end up with guys who treat me like the dirt beneath there feet, to the point I feel maybe that is all I will get. I am in counseling and that helps some but that feeling just isn't going away. 

Sucks being alone on Valentines Day! I have to work tonight too so yippeeee~!


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Sorry. No advice - just know people are reading and you are not alone. V-Day is very hard for a lot of people.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

whattodo17,

You let them treat you that way. Set up your boundaries and stick with them -- if someone treats you like dirt -- then bounce to the curb. 

Enjoy Valentines day as much as you can. And welcome to another Tarheel, i'm a carolinian as well.


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## Carefulthoughts (Jan 21, 2010)

whattodo17 said:


> After H sent me a text saying Happy Valentines Day, he then mentioned in conversation that no man after being married for a few years buys his wife anything for Valentines Day, that it's just another day.
> 
> I sit here and see all these married couples who are so happy together after years of marriage...am I destined to always be with the guys who could care less whether I'm around or not?
> 
> ...




No, not all men are like this. Women are likes this too. I think it is some sort of disorder. I have taken a lot of crap from my wife and the end I am at now I realize garbage on side of the street gets treated better then me (least it gets picked up). Don't be afraid of him , there is no reason to. I have faith that something wonderful is coming just for me in life. I havn't made it this far on my own. So you need to have faith that honest to goodness people have something good coming their way. YOU DESERVE BETTER. HE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOU OR YOUR FEELINGS. HE DOESN'T EVEN ATTEMPT TO. It took hearing this from my coworker who has gone down this road. YOU DESERVE BETTER AND BETTER IS OUT THERE WAITING FOR YOU. 

My wife left and now I am left here with all the bills. But I surround myself with family and friends. Heck they are surrounding me! I know I am loved and you know your loved ones truly love you. Things will work out but don't be afraid of change. Go buy yourself some shoes lol. My mom took me out and bought me a pair of dress shoes =D. I hate that she spent money but I have all the bills and I will be paying for the divorce. Anyways God bless and keep your head up cause you have no reason to hang it down.


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Whattodo, Carefulthoughts is right, there are both men and women that act like this. But the majority do not and should not. You deserve better and need to get out of that relationship if he doesn't love and respect you. There are plenty of nice guys out there that would value you. You need to start looking for another type of guy.


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## Carefulthoughts (Jan 21, 2010)

Amen

Btw I am now focusing on me. I am getting back into shape which I was pre-marriage. While married I worked a rough physical job and went to school fulltime at night for a better future for my wife and I. Now I am focusing on me and my needs; which is eating better and getting back into better shape then I was before I got married. 

Find a new hobby or even a old hobby you miss doing. "And this to will pass" Be strong your deserve better and you are better then what you have been treated.


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## whattodo17 (Jan 12, 2010)

Thanks guys for your responses! I am at work now trying to curb the tears by watching a good scary movie lol.

carefulthoughts-I am working on losing some weight too . I gained quite a bit and never lost it, until now. It does kinda help that I can still do something for myself. My coworkers and the few people I have told can't believe he is doing me this way and have all told me the same thing, that I can do better. 

notaclue-You're right, hopefully with counseling I can work to try to avoid the types of men I have always went for.

feelingalone-I was just talking to my coworker and she said the same thing. I AM letting him treat me this way. I have to keep telling myself, what is it going to hurt if I do put my foot down and make him leave? He is already out the door anyway. I can't gravel at his feet forever. Glad to see there is another North Carolinian here! 

niceguy-thanks for the the words of encouragement .


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Sorry - couldn't help but chuckle a bit when you said you were watching a scary movie. Did the same thing last night myself!!!


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## whattodo17 (Jan 12, 2010)

Yes, I stood in line at the "Redbox" vendor outside of Walgreens for twenty minute to rent "The Stepfather" LOL. I said there is no way I am going to go to work for 12 hours with nothing to watch besides sappy tear jerking movies haha.


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## Carefulthoughts (Jan 21, 2010)

For me ; my friends and family accepted my hysterical decision to try and make it work. It took my boss who got railroaded on the deal to finally knock some sense into me. 

You can lose all that way and be hot and confident. You just have to BRING IT. This is going to hurt and it is going to take quite awhile to get past. But you can do it !


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## whattodo17 (Jan 12, 2010)

Ok I really think Im losing it now. He called me wanting to know when we were going to file taxes so he could have the money to move. I told him I couldn't work things out if he moved. He told me he honestly didn't care if we worked it out or not. I just hung up on him. Why? Why does this have to happen to me now?


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## Carefulthoughts (Jan 21, 2010)

File yoru taxes married but seperate. You will make things work ! Go to your boss and let them know you need all the overtime you can get. Cut back on your bills. YOU CAN DO THIS!


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Same question I have been asking myself for the past month or so - why me ? why now ? I can tell you Whaatodo there are no clear or good answers for what our spouses do and why. 

You probably need to get a good lawyer the way he is talking. He is probably going to try to take advantage of you financially now.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

What,

Listen to Carefulthoughts on taxes --- file married but separate and let him do for himself. Just realize that your happiness is based on you and not him or anyone else. That is a big first step to take. Try to do one thing a day just for you. And by that I mean work out, or get something you wouldn't, have a laugh, something. And just take it one day at a time. 

Weird weather we've been having here in Carolina lately. I'm sick of it -- bring on the sun and warmer weather. I'm in the Queen city.


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## whattodo17 (Jan 12, 2010)

Yea, I am thinking the same thing. Everytime he gets mad he tells me we should just fight it out in court since he "knows" he can get custody of our daughter. I have begged not to go thru court bc I don't want to put my daughter thru what I went thru. I can't afford a lawyer either, and am scared to death they will give him custody because of my work schedule(I rotate shifts every month). I am scared to death now and am bawling my eyes out at work.


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## whattodo17 (Jan 12, 2010)

feelingalone-Not too far from me! This weather has been something! I have gotten lots of overtime at work thanks to the snow/ice(I work at a power company).


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Duke or Progress? I imagine Duke if you aren't too far away.


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## whattodo17 (Jan 12, 2010)

I actually live near Mooresville....I work at a small cooperative, nothing fancy smancy like Duke haha.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Just up I-77. You have been busy with all the snow in the last few weeks. Live on the lake?


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## whattodo17 (Jan 12, 2010)

Yes, I am completely exhausted and praying we don't get much this week! I used to love the snow until I had to get out and drive on a sheet of ice LOL. 

Shoot no, I wish I lived on the lake! I will be looking into buying a house when my lease is up and I have researched the prices of houses on the lake...Ummmm, a girl can dream right? haha


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## Carefulthoughts (Jan 21, 2010)

Don't be afraid. To be honest you seem like your there altogether. You will win the kid.


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## whattodo17 (Jan 12, 2010)

carefulthoughts-Thank you so much for that . To be honest, I really want joint custody for my daughters sake. Every part of me just wants it to be where she can see us the same amount of time because she really does need us both. I don't want her to feel like it was her fault later on down the road and if we fight it out in court I can tell it will end up being to the point where he will make hateful comments about me to her. He already sits there and says..."You don't love mommy, you love your daddy more than mommy"....


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## Carefulthoughts (Jan 21, 2010)

That shows you she doesn't need him. He is already filling her head with lies. "If" he was a man he would show you some respect or regard on that issue.

I am glad my wife and I don't have kids . But I have been working and going to school fulltime cause I knew if she got pregnant I would have to be the only bread winner.


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## whattodo17 (Jan 12, 2010)

Well if I thought yesterday was the day from H*%& it ain't got nothing on today!

For starters H comes up to my work to visit after he got off last night...I thought that was very strange but was cordial with him and we talked about hockey a little. He went home, never mentioning V-day besides the text earlier in the day.

I get home from work this morning and on the counter is a box of 2 dollar chocolates from the dollar store.....I asked him if that was all he thought of me anymore? He knows I am on a diet and can't eat chocolate. He throws up he knew I was all about money...NO way in H I am all about money, I just wanted something to show that maybe a sliver of him respected me as the mother of his child...I was always fine with a card with something special to ME written in it.

So I go to pick up my daughter and I slip and fall at my grandmas house and end up having to call him to come get our daughter so I can go to the doctor. I ended up with a fractured ankle ! 

On the way to the doctor he tells me out of the blue that this girl who works with him called him yesterday to let him know that her mom was fine since she told him last week that she may be out if something bad happened to her mom when she had surgery. Thought that was kinda weird that she calls him on valentines day and they spend 15 minutes on the phone together. Especially when he tells me they hardly ever talk(they don't work in the same office and have never met). He told me that she called him on her husbands phone and he was there with her....who knows...maybe I'm reading too much into it.....you guys help me decide that part.

So we get into an argument about it and he as we are going down the road he punches and shatters about 5 CDs I had sitting in the top console, screaming his lungs out that it was fine to take him to court because he isn't talking to anybody else, blah blah. He told me I had better get an attorney because I will be paying him child support....It's like he is only concerned about getting money! Guess I saw that coming since he commented the other day that I came in the marriage with nothing and am leaving with nothing.

When we get home he tells me how much he hates me and is disgusted just being around me. He then says that if he had a gun he would have shot me by now! I mean point blank I DO NOT have the money to hire an attorney especially with him making wayyyy more money than me. 

Right now he is gone with our daughter somewhere while I sit with my leg reclined. 

I guess I should take my counselors advice....she said she knew I was weak in this area because I was afraid and that knowledge is power. I am beyond terrified that he will get custody of my daughter and have some **** moved in with him after he moves out. 

I am officially sick to my stomach and have lost my appetite over this. He has no idea what he's doing to me....then makes comments like, "deep down I really want to work things out, but I can't work on anything living here". He says he knows plenty of couples who separate and get back together....but in reality maybe I don't want someone to walk out on me! He has made me feel like I will not find anything better. Gosh, what if I don't!

I did make the first step and called two different attorneys after he left. Nothing accomplished really, the first one will not represent in my county and the other I have to call back tomorrow.

GRRRRR!

Does this get any better?


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Ha, if he makes more money, he'll be paying for the attorney you use--he is FULL of empty threats. Your work shift will have nothing to do with custody and placement as long as you can make plans for her to be in responsible care when you are at work. Start thinking about a friend or relative you can live with for a while as you get back on your feet. Someone willing to help with childcare (if not the person you may live with). This is no time for pride and thinking it's "wrong" to not have your own place. Do what it takes to keep your expenses in check since your income will go down (you will get child support and probably alimony, if you ask for it, since he makes a lot more than you). Ask the court for shared custody and shared placement--you are right, it is best for your child and he will not be able to show any reason 50% isn't fair. It's what the courts want to do. Most men divorcing SAHMs don't ask for it b/c they can't figure out how to handle a kid when they are at work, but if you use the other parent as the child care provider and pick up the kid after work on your days, it's good for the child. More continuity than having to find separate day care (unless you and he find one you both will use). 

He is definitely making empty threats and you are falling for it. Knowledge IS power; talk to a lawyer and put yourself at ease. Courts don't refuse parents equal custody and placement unless there is a compelling reason--drugs, abuse, crime, etc. Good luck.


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## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Sisters359 is right, go live with your Grandma and bring the children. It doesn't matter what shift you work, the courts will decide who is best for the children and it sure doesn't sound like your H from the way he acts. 

Get an attorney now and talk to him/her. She will let you know your rights. I think you really have a lot more rights than your H is letting on. He is just trying to intimidate you as he is most likely the one that's going to be paying child care. He knows that also. Don't listen to a word he says, he's lying to you.


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## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

So sorry to hear this whattodo.....no, not all men are like this. 

Your H is acting like what my W has accussed me of. The difference is for me it was a lie so she could get the OM into our home and yet she still got a temporary restraining order for 3 weeks! Your H is threatening you for crying out loud. If your attorney doesn't recommend a restraining order he/she is not acting in your best interest. You should be able to get a FREE consultation from an attorney.

Also, do some research online. It sounds like financially he has been filling your head with nonsense. If he makes more than you he will end up paying you support unless you are relying upon someone else for financial stability. If you have been primary caregiver you will at least get 50/50 custody (probably more) unless you have changed your behavior since the split (started acting like a teenager, gone bar hopping, don't tend to the kids, etc).

We're hear to help. Let us know how it goes.


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## whattodo17 (Jan 12, 2010)

Thank you all so much.

Yesterday, he finally told a few of his friends and his mom that we are split up. I am laughing now because his best friend really doesn't believe in divorce so all night last night he was texting my H biblical verses about marriage and family, I could tell H felt guilty. GOOD! Even his mom told him it was a mistake. 

For a man who told me these words exactly..."When the going gets tough, I don't stick around to find out if they get better, I get out"...He is going to reap what he sows! The more I think about it the more I know deep in my heart I don't want a man who will walk out on me when times get tough.

I stuck by him when his company moved him to another state(when I was 7 weeks pregnant). I sat there and had NO family or friends to support me when I had my daughter prematurely. He surely wasn't there most of the time, he was working. Yet he has the nerve to tell me that because I got a job he has been the one taking care of our daughter. Sure, he does do a lot with her now but it's because he has to. He is a good dad but I have always been there to help too when he is taking care of her. 

I know this is wrong but I sit there at night just hoping he really regrets what he's doing! I hope one day when he wants me back I have the strength to laugh in his face like he does mine.


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