# How do I keep my wife motivated to lose weight?



## jay36 (Jul 16, 2015)

Hi all. I realise that this is a very sensitive topic to bring up with your other half but I'm at wits end now. 

We've been married for 2 years but been together for almost 8 years. I know that I am a very lucky man - she's very caring and would do anything for me, has a very successful career and even surprised me with her amazing cooking skills! I couldn't have found a better woman to spend the rest of my life with. 

But I can't shake off the fact that I want her to lose weight. Just to be clear, she isn't obese or anything but she has gone up 2 dress sizes since we got together and it's very noticeable; she was a UK size 10 (US 6) but now she's a UK 14 (US 10). 

So my issue here is that I feel my wife has got very comfortable and not tried since we became exclusive all those years ago. But for me, being in an exclusive relationship, and now married, has motivated me to stay in shape. I knew that I was quite overweight and unhealthy when we first started dating so my now wife has been the motivation to get my butt off the couch and do something about it! I've since taken up running and in the last few years, I've ran 3 half marathons and a full marathon. 

I don't want my wife to be skinny - I want her to stay healthy and look after herself. I'm actually a fan of curvy women, so i don't really care about her size. I actually find it really hot and sexy when she works out (in her current size)! 

She's also admitted that she needs to lose weight and over the years I've created several diet and gym plans but she always finds an excuse to not stick with it (the main one being busy at work). The wider issue for me here is that the diet and gym plans were a way for us to do something and accomplish together as a couple. 

I adore my wife and love her so much. I want her to stay physically attracted to me hence all the running and working out - I believe that you should always try to impress your other half as much as possible in marriage and I suppose this is my way of doing so. She's even been my motivation to do well in my career and generally be a better person.

I can't deny that in recent months, I've started to feel less attracted to her - not because she's put on weight but because she doesn't try to stay healthy (does that make sense?). For example, she's just not finished any of the gym workout plans that i've made for her. 

Everytime i bring it up my wife shuts down completely. I've really tried my best and took the soft approach to begin with but now even i get annoyed at myself because i feel like as if I'm now forcing her to workout when I know it's fundamentally up to her to do it. I really don't want to force it on her but just feel like this after so many years of her saying she will lose weight for herself but no progress. 

I'm a big gym fan and got myself into good shape for her. Am i wrong to expect the same from her? 

I hope all of this made sense and thank you for reading.


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## chris007 (Jul 15, 2015)

I feel for you, man but its difficult to bring this topic to a woman and not have her feel offended. Some advice that Id give you, is continue the conversation with her on benefits of working out, especially as it pertains to health benefits. There are also many, many different ways to get fit, that don't have to do with gym workouts, as you seem to know. You could always propose hiking, jogging, biking, maybe going to a yoga class together. DO stuff with her that will help her see those benefits and the rest will take care of itself. 

I am lucky enough to be dating a girl who wanted to start working out with me, and we do p90x workouts at home, 6 times a week. As a result we are both in great shape and healthy. Also, just a small detail to get out of the way, your weight doesn't necessarily indicate how healthy you are. I pitched my scale years ago, when I realized the the number on a scale tells me nothing. If that weren't the case, people who starve themselves or struggle with anorexia, would all be healthy, but we all know that's far from the truth.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Stop bringing it up. She already knows it's an issue, you continuing to nag turns it into a control issue. Stop designing diets, you're not a trainer or nutritionist. According to you you were fat when you met her so you know how these things go, she will do it if and when she's ready. 

Model good habits cook some healthy meals with input from her, invite her for a walk, and let it go. Nagging never works. 

If she never addresses it you'll know that's what you've got.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Midnight_cowboy (Jul 16, 2015)

Size 10 is obese, no matter how you look at it.

Creating gym plans is very controlling, it's understandable that she won't follow it.

Try to encourage her to exercise with you in the morning or evenings whenever its most convenient.

Be encouraging, compassionate and understanding. 

If that fails tell her you're considering divorce.


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

Midnight_cowboy said:


> Size *10 is obese, no matter how you look at it.*
> 
> Creating gym plans is very controlling, it's understandable that she won't follow it.
> 
> ...


You're joking, right? U.S. size 10????
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Midnight_cowboy (Jul 16, 2015)

I thought 10 was large, maybe I'm mistaken?

Ok I googled size 10, my bad size 10 seems mighty fine to me.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Midnight_cowboy said:


> I thought 10 was large, maybe I'm mistaken?
> 
> Ok I googled size 10, my bad size 10 seems mighty fine to me.


You're confusing it with size 20. That's obese. 
16 is getting there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

@jay36 are you concerned that your wife is not working out or are you concerned about her weight, or both? I can tell you what my H did about me working out but it wasn't pretty and I had no appreciation for it at the time. He never criticized my weight not once (in fact said he didn't mind it). But because I constantly whined and complained about it but did nothing he got me a personal trainer AND started dragging me out of bed in the morning to go to the gym with him. I would say I didn't feel like it and he would say it's ok we're still going. 

I really didn't start going to the gym on my own until I got pregnant. Now I no longer have a gym membership since we moved but I still work out at home and keep myself in shape because it has become a way of life. 

I know this sounds controlling but it worked for me until I determined to make it a priority. Looking back I'm so glad he did it because who knows how big I would be gotten if I was left on my own. When I started to tone up from working out, that motivated me to eat healthier. 

All that being said, size 10 is not fat but even size 4 can be out of shape and unhealthy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Have so much sex that she can't walk right, romance her so much her feet never touch the ground, keep yourself in great shape and always look at her like the stars are hung on your love for her.

Worked for me anyway.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Honestly, you are likely coming across to her like an evangelist. You were once overweight yourself, but now that you've found the light, you want her to see how great it is and to join you. Ever been stuck on a plane for 8 hours with a seat-mate who wants to tell you all about the wonders of being born again in Christ? Or had dinner with someone who wants to discuss their new conversion to militant veganism? Yeah, your wife is probably starting to feel like you're that guy. No one likes - or particularly wants to sign up with - people who attack them with evangelical zeal regarding all the things they're doing "wrong" and should be doing another way. Especially if an element of control or power struggle enters the picture, as it likely has in your marriage. 

I get it. You're proud of yourself. And rightfully so. And you'd like your wife to join you in your new lifestyle. But, your wife is not you. _You_ weren't even you when she met and fell in love with you. You have changed, now you want her to change in the same ways you have. To do it your way - the "right" way. But she has to find the light for herself. The diet plans and exercise regimens you develop for her come across as you trying to educate her or fix her. Neither of which is helpful to your relationship or likely to make her feel inclined to do as she's told. And nagging her about it is just going to annoy her and make her dig in her heels more. As is evidenced by her shutting down when you bring her failure to finish the exercise plan you devised for her.

I recommend the books _His Needs, Her Needs _and _Lovebusters_, both by Willard Harley. Start with _Lovebusters_.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

jay36 said:


> ...
> 
> But I can't shake off the fact that I want her to lose weight. Just to be clear, she isn't obese or anything *but she has gone up 2 dress sizes since we got together and it's very noticeable; she was a UK size 10 (US 6) but now she's a UK 14 (US 10). *
> 
> ...


You are putting up all sorts of conflicting messages here. You clearly ARE concerned about her dress size despite saying that you aren't (or else you wouldn't even mention dress size).

It seems you strongly correlate physical fitness to weight/size, which is partially true. But as we go through life our level of fitness varies, and both our health and looks generally "deteriorate" with age, we never get our 20 year old bodies back no matter how good we are to our body.

I understand that her physical fitness is important to you, but you need to determine why that is for you (ie this is YOUR issue not hers). It is right to expect a spouse that has self-respect and self-love and wants to spend as many happy years in this world with you as possible, but I think it's really important for you to decouple whatever values you have from the size of your W's clothes because you are doing your marriage a disservice by taking that approach.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

OP I think you are seeing a trend here in the comments. Ease up. Be supportive but not so directive. You have gotten yourself in shape but your description sounds like you are like those ex smokers who become anti smoking activists and have no patience with those who still smoke.

Like you, I am improving my own physical health and weight. I'm about 5 months into a steady diet and lifestyle change and have lost a lot of weight. My wife has been supportive. She has some extra pounds too but I'm not coming at her all the time to lose. I just encourage the small steps she is taking and make sure she knows how grateful i am for her supporting my efforts. It is not always easy having someone on a diet in the house. Now she is getting more active and her weight is no longer adding but improving, even if in small degrees. I support her but don't force the issue. She is getting there on her own. And if anything I increase my affection and attention for her.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Most women would love to be a size 10. She isn't overweight. Love her the way she is and if she wants to loose weight then she will loose weight. What's going to happen if she gains say 50 pounds if she becomes pregnant and doesn't loose all the weight (which quite often happens) are you going to dump her because she isn't perfect anymore? Most women do gain weight as they get older so be prepared for that.


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## jay36 (Jul 16, 2015)

Hi all, thanks for the replies - it's really helpful to get an objective view on this. 

I've always been into sports and was very active at school; just had a bit of a dip when I was at university (college equivalent in the U.S.). If I was to be honest, I think I've realised that I find it very attractive when someone else is also really active and into keeping fit. My wife isn't though I know she really wants to as she recognises the benefits.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

jay36 said:


> Hi all, thanks for the replies - it's really helpful to get an objective view on this.
> 
> I've always been into sports and was very active at school; just had a bit of a dip when I was at university (college equivalent in the U.S.). *If I was to be honest, I think I've realised that I find it very attractive when someone else is also really active and into keeping fit. My wife isn't though I know she really wants to as she recognises the benefits.*


So why did you date and marry a woman like your wife who isn't exactly the kind of woman you find attractive?


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

You don't. She either has the motivation or she doesn't.


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## ricky15100 (Oct 23, 2013)

I think she should find somebody else who does appreciate her the way she is. If that's the worst of your worries you should thank your lucky stars.


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## Jeffyboy (Apr 7, 2015)

Make it a habit and tell her that training together will bring you closer together. Wake up first thing and workout. Have her do something simple first and easy. Think of a reward afterwards. Once it becomes habit, then it's smooth sailing from there.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

nothing you can do. She has to get there on her own. 

you talking about excercise, diet, healthy life style, hinting gently, it will just create resentment and make her feel fat and undesirable, which - oh irony - will stress her to eat more.....

sorry


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

ConanHub said:


> Have so much sex that she can't walk right, romance her so much her feet never touch the ground, keep yourself in great shape and always look at her like the stars are hung on your love for her.
> 
> Worked for me anyway.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This. 

This is what my husband does...and it REALLY motivates me! He compliments me all the time. I used to be negative about accepting his compliments, but now I smile and say thank you..... even if I think he must be blind! But it works.... makes me want to be better, to feel better, to be more limber for more sex, to be healthier and have awesome sex in later years, etc.... It's not all about the sex (altho weighing less makes a big difference in flexibilities), but its a good motivator.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

Mentioned this before - we went on a vacation about five years ago, and after we got back, my wife looked at pictures of us and was horrified at how heavy she was. She joined one of those diet plans and started exercising - watched what she was eating, joined a workout place. Ended up dropping 50 lbs., and looked good. 

Well, we adopted our first child, then a second about a year later, and now she's put the weight back on. Has no interest in exercise (she talks a good game, but never follows through), doesn't eat good (she can't resist getting a doughnut when one is offered, etc), and is generally lazy. I try to set an example by eating better (meaning snacking on things like carrots instead of cookies or chips), exercise in the morning after I get up, take the kids to the park where we run around. She won't exercise as she'd rather sleep in because she stays up late playing computer games (which is what she does when she has the kids during the day if she's home).

She's back to the size she was when she started the weight loss program, and doesn't seem to have any interest in dropping the weight. She knows that I can come home early to let her go out to exercise, but she won't take me up on it - easier to sit at home and complain about how you hate your body.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

No way. Size 10 is normal. Obese is like 12,14 etc.


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## pleasecoffee (Jun 18, 2015)

brooklynAnn said:


> No way. Size 10 is normal. Obese is like 12,14 etc.


12/14 is not obese either. it all depends on height. If I was a 12/14 I would look anorexic. but if a tiny 5'3 were 12/14 she would look big.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

You are right. Depends on how tall you are. American women average size is 12/14.


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

Maybe she's not a gym person. Try suggesting a different activity that may be more fun to her, or a Zumba class, yoga, pole dancing, etc. As for the diet plans, that's all well and good but do you help her with the cooking? Cooking healthy every day while working a full time job can be difficult, it can be easy to get tired and just stop and get something quick and bad for you. 

I know what you mean about getting worried that she is steadily gaining weight. It may not be an issue now but if it's a trend then it may mean that she will keep gaining. I know I was getting worried as my husband had gained 30 lbs from the time I met him 5 years ago (I am still the exact weight). While he still looked good, I did worry he would gain more and I also worried about his physical health. What helped though is that I did start cooking healthier for us and when I would notice even a slight difference I would compliment him about it. He's lost 10 lbs so far and looks great. He has taken a sailing class and also joined his company's volleyball team.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

pleasecoffee said:


> 12/14 is not obese either. it all depends on height. If I was a 12/14 I would look anorexic. but if a tiny 5'3 were 12/14 she would look big.



Height is a big factor, so is body shape and composition. I'm just shy of 5'5 and I am a size 2 @115 pounds. If I drop even 3 lbs I am go to a size 0 and look haggard. I work out with weights and have a "skinny hourglass" figure. There is a great website to give you an idea of what real people in your height and weight look like: www.mybodygallery.com

I've never loved working out, but I love the benefits so I do it. I don't think people can be motivated to do it for any other reason but it being important to them.


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

jay36 said:


> Hi all. I realise that this is a very sensitive topic to bring up with your other half but I'm at wits end now.
> 
> So my issue here is that I feel my wife has got very comfortable and not tried since we became exclusive all those years ago. But for me, being in an exclusive relationship, and now married, has motivated me to stay in shape.
> 
> ...



I highlighted the key areas in blue because that is the main focus IMO. You can't make anybody do anything but what you can do is help them to understand why it matters and hopefully change their motivations.

My wife and I both believe that it is our responsibility and obligation to look good for one another. It's a way of showing one another that we really matter and are not being taken for granted.

If I get married and no longer care about my health or appearance, what message is that sending to my partner? To me, it says that I don't care if you aren't particularly thrilled with how I look or if your mate is attractive any longer. It says that I've completely taken my spouse for granted and that I no longer have to make an effort to have you. It's the old bait and switch method, if you will.

It is the very epitome of complacency, in my view. Well, you have to knock her out of that mindset somehow and some way.

A buddy of mine I used to work with several years ago had gotten a little sloppy around the middle and his wife gave him a picture of himself without his shirt on while he was sitting down playing checkers with his kid. Suffice it to say, when he saw how he really looked, and not some misperception he had in his mind, it motivated the hell out of him to start running again regularly and he lost the weight and got back in shape.

I don't know if you get noticed by other woman but if you do, because you are now in much better shape, it wouldn't hurt IMO to let her know about it. Perhaps others here may not approve of such methods but you're the one who has to live with your wife and if you'd like her to be in better shape, then you do what you have to do to motivate her to try.

If she believed that she may be in jeopardy of losing your attention, well, I think that may be just the motivation and incentive she needs.


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

ChargingCharlie said:


> Mentioned this before - we went on a vacation about five years ago, and after we got back, my wife looked at pictures of us and was horrified at how heavy she was. She joined one of those diet plans and started exercising - watched what she was eating, joined a workout place. Ended up dropping 50 lbs., and looked good.
> 
> Well, we adopted our first child, then a second about a year later, and now she's put the weight back on. Has no interest in exercise (she talks a good game, but never follows through), doesn't eat good (she can't resist getting a doughnut when one is offered, etc), and is generally lazy. I try to set an example by eating better (meaning snacking on things like carrots instead of cookies or chips), exercise in the morning after I get up, take the kids to the park where we run around. She won't exercise as she'd rather sleep in because she stays up late playing computer games (which is what she does when she has the kids during the day if she's home).
> 
> She's back to the size she was when she started the weight loss program, and doesn't seem to have any interest in dropping the weight. She knows that I can come home early to let her go out to exercise, but she won't take me up on it - easier to sit at home and complain about how you hate your body.


Your wife's mindset is wrong on so many levels and it's really not fair to a spouse. I feel for you. You have to find some kind of way to change her motivations or accept her how she is now and likely to get bigger.

As others have said, badgering her to lose weight and get in shape is likely to be met with firm resistance but helping her understand that it hurts your attraction for her may get some traction and change her motives. If that doesn't work, then you know where you stand and that she really doesn't care to please you or be attractive to you.

There's a reason why people look to have affairs and I would think being unhappy with a spouse's appearance would be fairly high on that list. That's certainly no excuse for such action but it shouldn't be overly surprising. If I let myself go to the point that I knew my spouse wasn't happy with my appearance and I still did nothing about it, I shouldn't be shocked if she began to be attracted to other men. Obviously, that's not something I'd desire at all.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

There's a lot of guys on TAM that have the same basic complaint and what never comes up is the guy offering to make his wife's meals. Weight is 70% about what you eat, not how or how often you work out. The time I was most successful at weight loss when I was married was when my husband was doing all the grocery shopping and cooking. So, do that. Then offer to take care of the kids while she does a physical activity of HER choice. Whatever obstacles she sees to losing weight - help her to remove those obstacles. 

I really, really want everybody to get this: it isn't lack of motivation or desire. Everybody who is overweight wants desperately to be thinner. If they aren't making an effort at it, it's because losing weight is HARD. There are a lot of obstacles and when you see yourself fail over and over, it ends up feeling like you are incapable of doing it.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

I may be in the minority here, but I think OP should bring this up to his wife again.

As an almost-50 year old woman, I work [email protected] hard everyday to stay fit, active, and eat healthy. That includes walking every day, three times a week at the gym lifting heavy weights, stretching and lite yoga for a few minutes at night when I'm watching TV. And I agree with @firebelly... you have to "eat your way" to a healthy, fit body. That means consistent, healthy food, not a crash diet. I don't buy junk food. If it's not in the house, we can't eat it.

Personally, OP I think you should say something to your wife AGAIN. There is nothing wrong with stressing the importance of her figure in terms of your attraction for her. Likewise, tell her how hard you work to maintain your physique so she will find it pleasing. Tell her that it's important that BOTH of you pursue a healthy lifestyle so BOTH of you can feel attracted to EACHOTHER as middle age approaches, and well into your older years.

I don't believe OP should remain silent while she continues to gain. His resentment will build, and he will find himself constantly checking out other women because his wife doesn't "do it" for him anymore.

Just my 2 cents...


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

I would ASK her rather than lecture her. Ask, with REAL curiosity, how she feels about her wellness. Is she happy with how she eats and the amount of exercise she gets? If she genuinely IS...then you have to ask yourself if she is the woman for you. If she isn't, but feels challenged by the habits she would need to adopt in order to get fitter and stay that way, ask her how you can support her. And do that. Also ask her what you can do to help when she slips - because she will. Ask her how you can support her when she goes off the eating or working out wagon. And do that. 

There's a real difference in approaching someone with an "I know what's best for you" attitude vs. one in which you say "I want to support you in being your best, happiest self" and trusting that THEY know what that is and how they can best get there.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Support is very important. It serves as an environmental safeguard against personal sabotage caused by stress. If you can be emotionally supportive no matter what the issue, she may find the strength within herself to take better care of herself as far as what she puts in her mouth. 

The emphasis should not be on the cosmetic aspect of losing weight but on the emotional and physical dividends she will derive from respecting her body.


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

firebelly1 said:


> There's a lot of guys on TAM that have the same basic complaint and what never comes up is the guy offering to make his wife's meals. Weight is 70% about what you eat, not how or how often you work out. The time I was most successful at weight loss when I was married was when my husband was doing all the grocery shopping and cooking. So, do that. Then offer to take care of the kids while she does a physical activity of HER choice. Whatever obstacles she sees to losing weight - help her to remove those obstacles.
> 
> I really, really want everybody to get this: it isn't lack of motivation or desire. Everybody who is overweight wants desperately to be thinner. If they aren't making an effort at it, it's because losing weight is HARD. There are a lot of obstacles and when you see yourself fail over and over, it ends up feeling like you are incapable of doing it.



Well, I agree to an extent. Sure, everybody wants to be thin or everybody wants to be wealthy but how many people are adequately motivated to actually do it. That is the motivation I'm speaking of.

I can't think of anything in this life that is worth having that doesn't require serious effort to attain. Lots of people want all kinds of things but few, it seems, are willing to put forth the necessary effort.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

Mostlycontent said:


> Well, I agree to an extent. Sure, everybody wants to be thin or everybody wants to be wealthy but how many people are adequately motivated to actually do it. That is the motivation I'm speaking of.
> 
> I can't think of anything in this life that is worth having that doesn't require serious effort to attain. Lots of people want all kinds of things but few, it seems, are willing to put forth the necessary effort.


I know this isn't the going trend in thinking but I believe that even in the context you are talking about, it isn't about motivation. Long term success doesn't require continually tapping into your emotional desire to change, and CAN'T happen if that's all you have to work with. Will-power is a myth that we flog ourselves with when we fail to maintain it. Long-term success requires establishing new habits that you do whether you feel like it or not. And weight loss requires multiple new habits. It's a completely different mind set.

More often than not, I work out after work IF I have clean workout clothes and packed my gym bag the night before. That isn't HARD work, but it is establishing quite a few new habits of thought and action: plan quick dinner menu for workout night; wash, dry, fold workout clothes; pack in my gym bag; put gym bag in car; tell family I will be home late to make dinner, etc. There are loads of little variables with that. If I want to work out 4 days a week but only have 3 outfits, I have to do laundry more often during the week. Sometimes I forget to pack socks or a sports bra in my gym bag. Something at work keeps me late so I can't workout after. Which isn't to say I'm making excuses; there are just a lot of hiccups that can happen to make changing that much more difficult. 

They say when you get a new cell phone, on average you must establish 200 new habits. Weight loss is the same. If we focus on helping people change habits instead of punishing them for their lack of character, we might be more successful.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

Right now, my wife is sitting on the couch watching TV drinking a diet soda and eating a bag of chips. I should mention that she's wearing a tank top with her belly prominently displayed. This after she mentioned to a friend via text that she's tired of how she looks and wants to change - but she won't make the effort to do so. While I get up early to work out, she sleeps in until after 8 every morning (she's a teacher, so she's off for several more weeks).

This is more of a rant on my part - like the OP, how do you keep your wife motivated? In my case, you would think she remembers how she looked several years ago and would want to get back to that, but she's too lazy. She'll blame the kids (not literally, but it's the fact that she has them all day), but nothing is stopping her from taking them to the park for a long walk (which is what I do when I have them). It's just pure laziness. I try to set an example, but it goes over her head - or she just doesn't care. I realize that it's hard to lose the 45 lbs that you've gained, but you have to start sometime. She's not appealing to me, and I hate to say that, but it's the truth. 

End of rant - sorry for the hijack. Just had to get off of my chest and on the keyboard.


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

firebelly1 said:


> I know this isn't the going trend in thinking but I believe that even in the context you are talking about, it isn't about motivation. Long term success doesn't require continually tapping into your emotional desire to change, and CAN'T happen if that's all you have to work with. Will-power is a myth that we flog ourselves with when we fail to maintain it. Long-term success requires establishing new habits that you do whether you feel like it or not. And weight loss requires multiple new habits. It's a completely different mind set.



I think we agree on much of it and saying the same things. You see, if you are adequately motivated, then you will take action. All of what you say, changing habits and such, requires action. Action that will not be taken without sufficient discipline and motivation.

And I would beg to differ in that beginning to exercise, when perhaps you haven't or haven't in a very long while, isn't necessarily easy.

I've been working out for 35 years so it's easy for me. It's just "what I do" and part of my lifestyle. I can't imagine how difficult it might be to start my workout regimen after not having done it for years or even decades.

So you see, it requires motivation and then discipline to change habits and do the things required to achieve the results desired.

When I say that a lot of people want to be thin or want to be wealthy but aren't adequately motivated, what I mean is that a lot of people just don't really want it bad enough. 

If you really want something, you will then take action. If you don't, you won't. Simple as that.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

Mostlycontent said:


> So you see, it requires motivation and then discipline to change habits and do the things required to achieve the results desired.
> 
> When I say that a lot of people want to be thin or want to be wealthy but aren't adequately motivated, what I mean is that a lot of people just don't really want it bad enough.
> 
> If you really want something, you will then take action. If you don't, you won't. Simple as that.


Exactly - it's easy to complain that you're overweight, et al, but in order to do something about it, you need to have motivation. A few years ago, my wife had motivation to lose weight because she was embarrassed at how she looked. Now she's back to looking the same, but doesn't have the motivation to do anything about it. She complains about it, but uses the kids as her crutch for not doing anything about it.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

Mostlycontent said:


> I think we agree on much of it and saying the same things. You see, if you are adequately motivated, then you will take action. All of what you say, changing habits and such, requires action. Action that will not be taken without sufficient discipline and motivation.
> 
> And I would beg to differ in that beginning to exercise, when perhaps you haven't or haven't in a very long while, isn't necessarily easy.
> 
> ...


I think we're going to have to agree to disagree on this. Everyone is motivated. Everyone is motivated enough. Not everyone has the mental / emotional skills to persist. You're calling that discipline but I'm talking about something different. 

One of the emotional skills one needs to persist is continuing on with their plan even when they've had a temporary failure - not letting failure make them give up. I don't equate that with "discipline" necessarily. It's a specific, emotional skill. 

One of the mental skills someone needs to have to be successful at weight loss is planning meals that are nutritious, satisfying, and within the family budget. Not everyone has that skill, and it's not "discipline".

And the overarching skill is being able to recognize this lack of skill in yourself. A lot of the time when someone has a failure in their plan they think "I am just not capable of sticking to a plan," and they give up. That is lack of understanding of human nature or lack of skill in learning from one's mistakes, not lack of discipline.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

ChargingCharlie said:


> She'll blame the kids (not literally, but it's the fact that she has them all day), but nothing is stopping her from taking them to the park for a long walk (which is what I do when I have them). It's just pure laziness.


Here's what I get out of your post: 

Your wife is not teaching but parenting full time during the summer? So...still working. 

Your wife does all the grocery shopping - if you were there wouldn't be chips in the house. 

She tells you one of the challenges she has to losing weight, and you dismiss it. 

Your wife is overwhelmed, not lazy. You will never be able to help her if you approach her with contempt instead of compassion.


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## T2shay (Jun 30, 2015)

I understand your concern I was once a size 6 when my husband and I got together and that was 14 years ago. With age I have put on weight year after year and I am now a size 8/10 depending on designer. I will never be a size 6 again and honestly with my age and height I would look sickly if I was. But a more healthy size 8/10 would be ideal for me. He has never told me to lose weight but encourages me in other ways. Suggesting to go for walks, bike rides, he doesn't eat chips in front of me etc. So maybe the answer isn't telling her to lose weight but start encouraging it in your activities and when you go to the store. The last thing you want your wife to do, is think you aren't loving her for who she is and you don't want her to resent you either.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

It is not laziness that keeps people from loosing weight. It is the fact that they tried so many times, it worked for a while, then it did not. At one point it becomes "what's the point, I won't be able to keep it up anyway". 

That put you in depression and sense of failure, which makes you eat even more. It is downhill spiral. The more stress you have the more you eat. The more you spouse will nug you about it, the more you will want to kill them instaed of sharing your frustration with them.

And excercise is less important (it is for general health) for weight change than the right diet. How many people can change their 40 year old eating habits for good? That's part of the problem - people are trying to make big revolution and forgot is is unsustainable. You need to start eating healthier but should allow yourself foods you liked for years once in a while, treat yourself sometimes to your old favorite treats. Without beating yourself about it and feeling like a failure. But you need to do it as treat, not everyday staple.

And I think what is the greatest problem - this idea they put on us to eat every two ours, "so we do not overeat at meal times". It does not work for most people. It basically trains our bodies to look for food constantly, to be scared of the feeling of hunger. And we still overeat at meal time, but now added those snack to it.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

I have a boss who lost about 60 lbs a couple of years ago and has kept it off. One of the secrets to his success is that his overweight wife prepares all his meals and snacks for him. When I read about married men who lose weight and their wives are not losing weight, and the men complain about it, often what's happening is that:

- the wife is the primary parent as well as the menu planner, grocery shopper, and food preparer for everyone in the household (on top of working a full time job); or, alternatively, the husband is buying and preparing his own food (but not preparing for other people in the house.) The challenge for the mother in this situation is that dad wants to eat cut up veggies and a chicken breast for lunch but Jr. won't touch that sh*t with a ten foot pole. So mom ends up cooking multiple meals to satisfy multiple people, and often leaves herself out of the equation because it's just extra work, and more money. Because dad's healthy eating increases the family food spending and if she eats a chicken breast at the same time he eats one, that's twice the cost. Cheaper to share Jr's chicken nuggets. 

- the husband usually has no guilt about taking time away from the family to work out; mothers and wives usually do. Deciding to work out means taking time away from the kids and husband, and that's always a dilemma. Mom already feels guilty because of the time she spends away from them going to work. 

Our culture's expectation of mothers and wives is that they sacrifice themselves for their families. And when they do, their husbands b*tch and moan about how they aren't doing enough to be sexy FOR THEIR HUSBANDS. We are damned if we do and damned if we don't, but either way, it's never about us being happy for our own sake.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

ChargingCharlie said:


> Exactly - it's easy to complain that you're overweight, et al, but in order to do something about it, you need to have motivation. A few years ago, my wife had motivation to lose weight because she was embarrassed at how she looked. Now she's back to looking the same, but doesn't have the motivation to do anything about it. She complains about it, but uses the kids as her crutch for not doing anything about it.


Because there is nothing more discouraging than loosing weight and be very happy about it only to get it back later. Back and forth. And your dismissive attitude is not helping her .


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

Kids aren't a crutch or an excuse. They are 24/7 work and therefore a legitimate challenge to losing weight. Men usually don't think so because their wives are doing most of the actual work involved in parenting.

When your wife tells you the challenges she faces losing weight, why don't you believe her? And why don't you help her face those challenges rather than dismissing and negating them?


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

WandaJ said:


> It is not laziness that keeps people from loosing weight. It is the fact that they tried so many times, it worked for a while, then it did not. At one point it becomes "what's the point, I won't be able to keep it up anyway".
> 
> That put you in depression and sense of failure, which makes you eat even more. It is downhill spiral. The more stress you have the more you eat. The more you spouse will nug you about it, the more you will want to kill them instaed of sharing your frustration with them.
> 
> ...


YES. MOST people who lose weight through "motivation and discipline" gain the weight back. Why? Because they haven't really changed their eating habits. They've just white-knuckled it through months of eating food they hate. 

And knowing that your spouse finds you disgusting is NOT motivating. In fact, it's the opposite. It tears down your confidence in yourself and your ability to lose weight.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

firebelly1 said:


> Kids aren't a crutch or an excuse. They are 24/7 work and therefore a legitimate challenge to losing weight. Men usually don't think so because their wives are doing most of the actual work involved in parenting.


So being the woman who spent the most time and effort raising the kids, I call total BS on this. Kids have TONS of energy. Simply by playing with them, parents can get exercise. By modelling healthy eating habits with and for them, cooking together, planning together, they can lose weight. 

Induction and eduction in life skills IS parenting. It is the EASIEST job to lose weight in since your kids are naturally assets in their desires to move about, play, engage in their worlds. And because the lessons we move ourselves toward are the same lessons we want to teach our kids.

The reason people don't succeed in losing weight is not because they are lazy or don't want to change their habits or their bodies. They don't want to change their MINDS about what food and activity mean to them. Weight loss is this awful thing that you HAVE to do for a while. Then you get to stop and resume drinking coke and eating chips. Which yields the roller coaster than another poster was mentioning. It is because people can't quite wrap their minds that food that is good for you can taste great. That things other than chips can alleviate stress. That when you engage in FUN, you can also engage in exercise. 

My # on recommendation for weight loss is to say screw weight loss. Live happy and fulfilled where hefty doses of energy and fun. Energy comes from good food and moving about. Moving about in the form of things that are fun is ... easy. 

And this

http://www.amazon.com/Savor-Mindful...?ie=UTF8&qid=1438189549&sr=8-2&keywords=savor


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

NobodySpecial said:


> So being the woman who spent the most time and effort raising the kids, I call total BS on this. Kids have TONS of energy. Simply by playing with them, parents can get exercise. By modelling healthy eating habits with and for them, cooking together, planning together, they can lose weight.
> 
> Induction and eduction in life skills IS parenting. It is the EASIEST job to lose weight in since your kids are naturally assets in their desires to move about, play, engage in their worlds. And because the lessons we move ourselves toward are the same lessons we want to teach our kids.
> 
> ...


So you were overweight and lost and maintained a weight loss while parenting? Or you were already thin and stayed that way?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

firebelly1 said:


> So you were overweight and lost and maintained a weight loss while parenting? Or you were already thin and stayed that way?


I lost weight before kids. Gained a TON while pregnant. Lost some when the first was born. Lost the remainder of the ton when I stayed home with them.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

NobodySpecial said:


> I lost weight before kids. Gained a TON while pregnant. Lost some when the first was born. Lost the remainder of the ton when I stayed home with them.


Well...that's great. Awesome that you figured out how to effectively lose weight before you had kids so you had those skills and knew how to be successful at that. 

Not everyone has those skills going into parenting. And trying to change your habits after having kids I think IS arguably harder. AND...most women don't stay home with their kids. They are parenting and housekeeping and cooking on top of a full time job so your energy level and time to focus on yourself is, understandably, reduced.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

In my believe putting everything on motivation and strong will while loosing weight is part of the problem. Most people do not have those that much. For some it is about food, for others drink, others binge tv watching, etc. Until you find something that will make it relatively enjoyable for you, you are doomed for failure.

I've been loosing weight and gaining all my life. Some of it due to health problems, little depression. But not until know I believed I would be able to sustain my weight loss. Now I believe I found the right tools for me, that keep me from going on yo-you effect. Even when I let myself go for couple of weeks - holidays, vacation, etc- I know I will be able to get back on track. Before letting myself go meant gaining everything back and more.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

firebelly1 said:


> Well...that's great. Awesome that you figured out how to effectively lose weight before you had kids so you had those skills and knew how to be successful at that.
> 
> Not everyone has those skills going into parenting. And trying to change your habits after having kids I think IS arguably harder. AND...most women don't stay home with their kids. They are parenting and housekeeping and cooking on top of a full time job so your energy level and time to focus on yourself is, understandably, reduced.


I just don't agree. I don't agree it is arguably harder. I think the number of things women say they can't do because motherhood is sooooo HAAAARD is a disservice to the expectations of mothers in general. One's energy must be spent on the kids. Better to be spent in positive ways. Big whoop. PART of the full time job is engaging with the kids. This is a natural opportunity to live life skills and engage in them with your kids. It's called parenting. 

Part of my full time job is sitting on my butt in front of a computer, for example. Otherwise it is walking between meetings which is hardly a fitness activity. Part of my job isn't going to the playground where I can choose to sit on the bench and stare at my phone while the kids say Mom, play with me, or I can choose to play with them. Walking to and back is even better if possible rather than taking the car. Kids tend to nap or go to bed better that way too. Win, win.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

WandaJ said:


> In my believe putting everything on motivation and strong will while loosing weight is part of the problem. Most people do not have those that much. For some it is about food, for others drink, others binge tv watching, etc. Until you find something that will make it relatively enjoyable for you, you are doomed for failure.


I agree 500%


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

well, NobodySpecial. It worked for you. But from the tone of your writing it sounds like you think that loosing weight made you a better person then those who did not?

You see, I lost weight. But I do not feel contempt for those who did not. I think I know how they feel and wish that they will get their a-ha moment that will help them. 
Contempt won't help them. Empathy and support - may.

If it was easy, we all would be size four. But it is not as easy.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

You mean your full time job as a SAHM? You don't think having a job outside the home on top of your parenting / household duties would change your energy levels? Or are you saying that you DO have a full time job outside the home and then commute home and make dinner and then also have the energy to play with the kids? Because if that's what you're saying, I mean, good for you. I really struggled with that.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

WandaJ said:


> well, NobodySpecial. It worked for you. But from the tone of your writing it sounds like you think that loosing weight made you a better person then those who did not?


Nope. Tone does not translate well to writing. I merely think that parenting is a dumb excuse for putting ones life on hold



> You see, I lost weight. But I do not feel contempt for those who did not.


Inference yours. Implication not mine. I was responding to a specific point about how parenting is a decent reason to render weight loss so hard that it makes sense that it would not progress. I went on to discuss why people really have a hard time doing it with an alternate point of view.



> I think I know how they feel and wish that they will get their a-ha moment that will help them.
> 
> Contempt won't help them. Empathy and support - may.


The person who supposedly wants to lose weight is not posting here. So I am not sure to whom empathy is going to be useful.



> If it was easy, we all would be size four. But it is not as easy.


I don't remember making ANY comments on ease at all. Nothing worth having or doing is easy.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

NobodySpecial said:


> Nope. Tone does not translate well to writing. I merely think that parenting is a dumb excuse for putting ones life on hold
> 
> 
> Inference yours. Implication not mine. I was responding to a specific point about how parenting is a decent reason to render weight loss so hard that it makes sense that it would not progress. I went on to discuss why people really have a hard time doing it with an alternate point of view.
> ...


I am not saying parenting is an excuse to not lose weight. My greater point is that it is men who typically write these messages on TAM complaining about what they see as their wife's lack of effort to lose weight. Often what they are not factoring in is that they are not doing their fair share of parenting or food prep - their wives are doing the majority of work in these areas on top of a full time job. And instead of offering to watch the kids while she goes and works out, or to take on the task of grocery shopping or preparing meals, they just call her lazy and chalk it up to lack of motivation. 

If you are working full time, doing all the food related tasks in your household and the majority of parenting tasks, your time and energy is limited. That's just math. Any one of those things by themselves is not an excuse. Even the accumulation doesn't have to be an excuse, but as the partner of this person, don't f*cking call her lazy. Because if she's doing all this, the last thing she is is lazy.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

firebelly1 said:


> You mean your full time job as a SAHM? You don't think having a job outside the home on top of your parenting / household duties would change your energy levels? Or are you saying that you DO have a full time job outside the home and then commute home and make dinner and then also have the energy to play with the kids? Because if that's what you're saying, I mean, good for you. I really struggled with that.


I work outside of the home full time NOW. I used to be a SAHM (then daycare provider). I mean you are speaking to my point a little bit about changing one's mindset. I am completely non-focused on weight maintenance or loss. When I get home, dinner is ready to rock since I either made it the weekend before or assembled it the night before. Come home, eat, walk the dog with the kids to include chase and ball games on the playing field, play some games with the kids. (Just an example, In the winter we throw on the snow shoes, or boots or play Dance Central). Prep the next day. Every body looks at what they can do to make the next easier. We do a lot of these things together so they are more fun. Kids have an investment in the food, chore and activity maintenance. Sometimes we have to listen to my son's awful music. Sometimes my DD and I chose. Sometimes DH.

I was not a ton different when they were small. They weren't any help. But they tried. Meals were simpler then. We tended to have repeat salads and veggie sides and the like. But the kids could chop veggies since they were around 3. We had to sing the godawful clean up song and other mental making stuff. But the kids laughed a lot so that helped.

That is where the energy COMES FROM, not its reduction. That is why I mentioned the book Savor. It is about food and its place in a mindful life. Pretty good read.

I have not offered any advice to the OP because, frankly, he is hosed. He is not the one with the lifestyle change to make, the one who can chose a different path. She seems to dig chips, soda and the tv. That's her choice.

My one point was saying that parenting is so darned hard that it makes weight loss impossible is insanely self limiting.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Oh! Lifesaver

Healthy Weeknight Meals and Menus - Cooking Light


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

firebelly1 said:


> I am not saying parenting is an excuse to not lose weight. My greater point is that it is men who typically write these messages on TAM complaining about what they see as their wife's lack of effort to lose weight. Often what they are not factoring in is that they are not doing their fair share of parenting or food prep - their wives are doing the majority of work in these areas on top of a full time job. And instead of offering to watch the kids while she goes and works out, or to take on the task of grocery shopping or preparing meals, they just call her lazy and chalk it up to lack of motivation.
> 
> If you are working full time, doing all the food related tasks in your household and the majority of parenting tasks, your time and energy is limited. That's just math. Any one of those things by themselves is not an excuse. Even the accumulation doesn't have to be an excuse,


Which I must have missed from the OP because I did not see any of that. I hope we are not lumping him in with "men". But I could easily have missed it. 




> but as the partner of this person, don't f*cking call her lazy. Because if she's doing all this, the last thing she is is lazy.


Well calling someone lazy is dumb and mean under any circumstances.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

The OP said that over the years he's created several diet and gym plans for his wife. Other than cajoling, he hasn't mentioned what else he has done. He did not say he started cooking, or grocery shopping, or watching the kids while his wife goes to yoga. This seems to be a typical approach a lot of men take with their wives - advise and cajole based on what HE thinks she should do. Then when she explains the challenges she has, he dismisses them. It's an excuse. Or lack of motivation. Or laziness. Not legitimate challenges that need strategies and effort to overcome.


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

firebelly1 said:


> I think we're going to have to agree to disagree on this. Everyone is motivated. Everyone is motivated enough. Not everyone has the mental / emotional skills to persist. You're calling that discipline but I'm talking about something different.
> 
> One of the emotional skills one needs to persist is continuing on with their plan even when they've had a temporary failure - not letting failure make them give up. I don't equate that with "discipline" necessarily. It's a specific, emotional skill.
> 
> ...



I understand what you are saying but it's just not correct. Everyone is not motivated to be thin or be in shape. Oh sure, everyone would like to look a particular way but few are really dedicated enough to actually do it.

I know of which I speak as I owned a health club for 6 years back in the 90s and was a personal trainer for a lot of those years. Diet is important but one has to do strenuous exercise and it has to become a way of life in order to sustain it.

That requires discipline and dedication. The emotional skills you speak of may apply to people using fad diets or extreme eating programs that pretty much give you a yo yo effect. You're down in weight and then back up and then down and back up and so on.

I'm speaking about changing what you eat and what you do in the way of exercise permanently. In order to get looking the way you want (your beach body, if you will) and stay that way requires an exercise regimen and a different diet.

For example, most people eat far, far too many carbs. The typical American diet would be fine if we were still an agricultural society and everyone worked in the fields all day but we are not. People need to stop eating low fat because you end up eating more because you aren't full. I could give a lecture on this stuff but will refrain for now.

Point is that the knowledge on how to lose weight permanently and get in shape by lifting weights and walking/running regularly is all over the internet. The information is there for those who are motivated enough to want to learn.

So I do see it as a lack of discipline and motivation thing. Does that mean people are lazy? Let's be honest here, I think you could say yes. I've seen countless people desire a change in the way they look but only a small percentage are truly willing to make the necessary changes and effort. The ones that aren't lazy, just don't know what to do or how to sustain it but there is a ton of information available on how to do that. Okay, I'll step down from the soap box now.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

firebelly1 said:


> The OP said that over the years he's created several diet and gym plans for his wife. Other than cajoling, he hasn't mentioned what else he has done. He did not say he started cooking, or grocery shopping, or watching the kids while his wife goes to yoga. This seems to be a typical approach a lot of men take with their wives - advise and cajole based on what HE thinks she should do. Then when she explains the challenges she has, he dismisses them. It's an excuse. Or lack of motivation. Or laziness. Not legitimate challenges that need strategies and effort to overcome.


Do we have ANY IDEA whether or not he was formerly cooking, shopping or any of those things? I certainly did not see him mention it.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Mostlycontent said:


> I understand what you are saying but it's just not correct. Everyone is not motivated to be thin or be in shape. Oh sure, everyone would like to look a particular way but few are really dedicated enough to actually do it.
> 
> I know of which I speak as I owned a health club for 6 years back in the 90s and was a personal trainer for a lot of those years. Diet is important but one has to do strenuous exercise and it has to become a way of life in order to sustain it.
> 
> That requires discipline and dedication. .


Just the fact of owning health club and being personal trainer means you do not have full understanding of the issue. Why? Because you are naturally inclined towards healthy life style, it is part of your DNA. 

If you had to study math every day or something else that you hate, would you be able to do it five times a week for the rest of your life? if not, why?


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

Mostlycontent said:


> I understand what you are saying but it's just not correct. Everyone is not motivated to be thin or be in shape. Oh sure, everyone would like to look a particular way but few are really dedicated enough to actually do it.
> 
> I know of which I speak as I owned a health club for 6 years back in the 90s and was a personal trainer for a lot of those years. Diet is important but one has to do strenuous exercise and it has to become a way of life in order to sustain it.
> 
> ...


No. I still don't agree. I don't agree that it's about lacking motivation or discipline. I don't agree that you need strenuous exercise to lose weight. I don't agree that only a small percentage of people are truly willing to change. 

I believe that we expect other people and ourselves, to change too much too fast. It is unrealistic to expect a couch potato to just start working out 5 days a week. It is unrealistic to expect people to drastically reduce the portion sizes they eat over night. We fail at New Year's resolutions not because we aren't really motivated, but because we are unrealistic about our expectations about ourselves. People drop out of the gym because they can't sustain such big changes so quickly, not because they don't want to be there at all. 

But we don't understand that about ourselves because instead of admitting the expectation is unrealistic, we beat ourselves and each other up about how it must mean we are weak and lazy.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

NobodySpecial said:


> Do we have ANY IDEA whether or not he was formerly cooking, shopping or any of those things? I certainly did not see him mention it.


I don't. But he mentioned the things that he seemed to think should have worked. And I'm basing this on conversations I've had with male posters about this subject before. When I ask them if they have offered to watch the kids or do the cooking, I get crickets. No response. 

You didn't mention your husband in your explanation of cooking with the kids. Does that mean you are divorced or that he lives there but doesn't participate?


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

WandaJ said:


> Just the fact of owning health club and being personal trainer means you do not have full understanding of the issue. Why? Because you are naturally inclined towards healthy life style, it is part of your DNA.
> 
> If you had to study math every day or something else that you hate, would you be able to do it five times a week for the rest of your life? if not, why?


Wanda,

I'm sure that you're a perfectly nice person but all you've seemed to have done is offer rationalization and justification for why some people can't lose weight or get in shape.

Being active or having a healthy lifestyle is not in my DNA. DNA doesn't contain such things and I think you know that. I began working out at the age of 14 for sports and just continued on after my playing days in high school and college.

It's never too late to begin an exercise regimen or eating right in one's life. It's not like it's some kind of window that closed and you missed the opportunity.

I could take anyone, yes anyone, who was properly motivated to lose weight and get in shape and help them achieve their goals. I've done it many times before.

As for your math analogy, I didn't hate math but wouldn't prefer to do it multiple hours a day but then again, I don't derive any benefits from such effort either. If I thought that doing math several hours a day would make me look and feel the way I wanted, well, I'm sure I'd do it because that is important to me.


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

firebelly1 said:


> No. I still don't agree. I don't agree that it's about lacking motivation or discipline. I don't agree that you need strenuous exercise to lose weight. I don't agree that only a small percentage of people are truly willing to change.
> 
> I believe that we expect other people and ourselves, to change too much too fast. It is unrealistic to expect a couch potato to just start working out 5 days a week. It is unrealistic to expect people to drastically reduce the portion sizes they eat over night. We fail at New Year's resolutions not because we aren't really motivated, but because we are unrealistic about our expectations about ourselves. People drop out of the gym because they can't sustain such big changes so quickly, not because they don't want to be there at all.
> 
> But we don't understand that about ourselves because instead of admitting the expectation is unrealistic, we beat ourselves and each other up about how it must mean we are weak and lazy.



I will address the highlighted part first because it is the easiest portion to refute. You see, if more than a small percentage of people were motivated to lose weight and get in shape, then America wouldn't be the most obese country in the world. The evidence that the large majority of people are out of shape is obvious.

Do you think all of those people wish to look that way? I'd wager that they don't but aren't adequately motivated or incented to change. Couple that with your couch potato reference and you can arrive at the conclusion that most people are lazy and I would agree with that.

I used to tell people before I took them on as a client that if it took a few years to put on the extra 50 lbs then it will take some time to get it off...... permanently. If you didn't get fat overnight then you won't get slim and fit overnight either. It's about setting proper expectations.

As for your strenuous exercise comment, you need to quit watching all of those Infomercials that promise you can lose weight without doing much of anything. That's just plain nonsense and they do it because people are inherently lazy and they want to sell their product.

The truth is that you need to burn calories and you only do that by raising your heart rate. You only accomplish that by strenuous exercise. Yes, you can also burn calories by walking, which is something my wife and I enjoy doing together, but you have to walk a good distance and at a fairly quick pace to achieve maximum results. My wife and I do about 3 miles every time we go and usually at a 4 mph clip.

As I said to Wanda, I'm sure you both are perfectly nice people but you simply aren't well versed with regard to this topic. I've tried to offer my input, as someone whose been in the business, but if you don't want to believe it or prefer to think something else, then as Dr. Phil likes to say, "how's that working for you"?


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Mostlycontent said:


> Wanda,
> 
> I'm sure that you're a perfectly nice person but all you've seemed to have done is offer rationalization and justification for why some people can't lose weight or get in shape.
> 
> ...


Sure, you can get them. How many of them stay on the track ten years later?

If you started sports at 14 then by now this is your second nature. For someone who did not do it, it is not. I prefer good book to excercise. I prefer to learn about world and politics than sweat on the treadmill. I am curious about things, and time spent excercising is taking me away from doing other things. 

I still do it, but I it is not something that I am very excited about. I have to make myself to do it, it sometimes works, sometimes does not. It is much better since I got myself ecliptical trainer. Dragging myself to the gym before was hit or miss. I like the feel afterwards, it energizes me, gives me muscles, but again, if I could have all that without it - I would not miss it. I can go for a long day hike or bike ride, and I will love it. 

I think one of the greatest problems with how we approch weight loss, is one size fits all attitude. Big breakfast, small dinner, snacks, and hour of excercise a day - rules set for people with weight problems by people who don't have weight problems (there is a reason they are trainers and dieticians), to whom it may come much easier. This approach may work for some, but not for everybody. And for many it will help to loose weight, but later they are not able to keep the regime.

Since I gave up on breakfasts and snacks between meals, and retrained my body to stop looking for food all the time, and instead enjoy a lightness coming from few hours of not eating, I am in much better place now.


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

WandaJ said:


> Sure, you can get them. How many of them stay on the track ten years later?
> 
> If you started sports at 14 then by now this is your second nature. For someone who did not do it, it is not. I prefer good book to excercise. I prefer to learn about world and politics than sweat on the treadmill. I am curious about things, and time spent excercising is taking me away from doing other things.
> 
> ...



Now you and I agree on all of this. I love politics as well but not as much as my wife. She's an absolute political junkie.

Exercising regularly has become part of my lifestyle because I like the results but make no mistake, it's not something I love to do. It's something that I have learned to tolerate, if you will, because of what I get out of it. But don't we all do things we don't like very much in this life because we desire the results?

I mean really, if I had my way, I'd have cookies, candy bars and chocolate cake for dessert every night, but I don't......at least not much.

We all go to work every day when few truly love to do that. You get the idea, this life is filled with things we do that we really don't want to do. It's all in your attitude about it.

As for what happens to people who have lost weight and got in shape 10 years later, who knows. It's like anything in life really. If something gives you good results and then you abruptly stop doing it, I suppose the good results will go away, won't they?

I will admit that it is much harder to stay motivated to make the effort to stay in really good shape as you get older. This is true primarily because your energy level and strength lowers as you get older and candidly, it's expected to be out of shape when you get in your 50s and 60s. I think that's sad but not unusual.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

Mostlycontent said:


> I will address the highlighted part first because it is the easiest portion to refute. You see, if more than a small percentage of people were motivated to lose weight and get in shape, then America wouldn't be the most obese country in the world. The evidence that the large majority of people are out of shape is obvious.
> 
> Do you think all of those people wish to look that way? I'd wager that they don't but aren't adequately motivated or incented to change. Couple that with your couch potato reference and you can arrive at the conclusion that most people are lazy and I would agree with that.
> 
> ...


You are in the business of exercise, not psychology. You can give people advice about how to make their muscles stronger, but you aren't an expert at how to make their mind stronger. 

The data you have before you is something like this:

"....12% of new gym memberships come in January come by percentage, but it actually represents about a 33-50% increase in volume. The second week of January is almost always the busiest of the year.

80% of the New Years Resolutions crowd drops off by the second week of February. Meaning only 20% remain, and the rate of sign-ups tapers off by February (almost all of that initial spike, save for maybe 1-2% of total volume for the year.)"

If lab rats are being treated for cancer and 99% are unaffected by the treatment that's being given them, we don't blame the rats. We give up that method of treatment because it's ineffective.

I'm not saying exercise is a bad treatment, I'm just saying exercise without any real knowledge of how human habits form and are maintained is ineffective treatment and a new one should be found. Personal trainers may have taken some psych courses in college, but they obviously don't know much about human habit forming or 99% of their clients wouldn't stop coming to see them. And it is the weight-loss industry's arrogance that keeps us all believing it's the rat's fault and not the methodology. 

I don't take any heed in info-mercials. My point is that weight loss is about calories in versus calories out. That can be done in a variety of ways. My personal experience is that I can exercise like a fiend, every day, and not lose any weight. I lose weight when I track my food intake and keep it under a certain number of calories a day. And there is some data bearing that notion out - that people are more successful at fat loss when they focus on food and not so much on exercise.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

firebelly1 said:


> I don't. But he mentioned the things that he seemed to think should have worked. And I'm basing this on conversations I've had with male posters about this subject before. When I ask them if they have offered to watch the kids or do the cooking, I get crickets. No response.
> 
> You didn't mention your husband in your explanation of cooking with the kids. Does that mean you are divorced or that he lives there but doesn't participate?


I did mention my husband. When I was SAHM, the kids and I did most of the shopping and cooking by arrangement. Since then, we all participate in all home chores including cooking. I still do most of the shopping because I don't mind grocery shopping. He is a healthy eater and contributes to that goal.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Mostlycontent said:


> Now you and I agree on all of this. I love politics as well but not as much as my wife. She's an absolute political junkie.
> 
> Exercising regularly has become part of my lifestyle because I like the results but make no mistake, it's not something I love to do. It's something that I have learned to tolerate, if you will, because of what I get out of it. But don't we all do things we don't like very much in this life because we desire the results?
> 
> ...


You were and are able to made that happen, to make this part of your life. The truth is - to what firebelly just wrote - most people are not. And shaming them and saying "I can do it, so can you" - will not serve the purpose. This is deeply psychological issue in addition to physical, and there is more and more science that we need to treat it same way we treat drug addictions - as addiction, instead of telling them to get off their lazy butts.

I know this very well. I was there, more than once. It is humiliating and at the same time paralyzing feeling. You feel so humiliated by your inability to stop the the vicious cycle, that - instead of motivating you to do something about it - it paralazes you into more inaction. Brain freeze. And until you snap out of it,nothing will help. That was my original answer to this poster: there is nothing he can do to help his wife. It will have to come all from her. 

But the way this is framed in the society it kind of tells us that all the slim people are the ones with strong will and determination, and they are just the best. This is b/s. Slim people have their own issues, they are just not visible to naked eye, so we can not shame them so easily.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

Nobody - I probably came off badly yesterday. This subject riles me up. I was a single mom for most of the time my kids were growing up. I did not have the energy to do a lot of playing with them at the end of the day. I look back now and realize that there was a way to eat healthier and include the kids in preparing healthier foods, but at the time, I was overwhelmed and didn't know how to buy and prepare healthier foods (which are more expensive than boxed dinners and fast food). Nor did I know how to organize the chaos of 3 kids on my own AND do everything else. There were a lot of mental and emotional skills that I didn't have and didn't have the energy to obtain with everything else I had to do. And the truth is, even when I was married, I felt like this because my husband(s) believed it was a woman's job to parent and be the family cook. 

I hear women say all the time that they are overwhelmed by everything they have to do. To some extent, it is our own fault because we need to learn how to say no and take time to ourselves. On the other hand, our culture wants us to be everything to everyone else. A good mom and wife puts everyone else first. And it's hard to reconcile those things. 

When our husbands suggest we exercise and change the way we eat what we hear is "Another thing I have to do," and we are already overwhelmed. Thus my suggestion that if the husbands really want to see progress, help to lighten your wife's load. Don't add to the long list of things she has to do, but help her to replace some of the things she's doing with healthier things.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Mostlycontent said:


> Being active or having a healthy lifestyle is not in my DNA. DNA doesn't contain such things and I think you know that...
> 
> I could take anyone, yes anyone, who was properly motivated to lose weight and get in shape and help them achieve their goals. I've done it many times before.


Gotta agree here.

I am in killer shape for a woman who is turning 50 in 2 days!! On a good day, I can pass for mid-30s. 

I work out lifting HEAVY sh*t 3 times per week, walk almost 4 miles per day, and eat clean and healthy.

But the truth is... it is NOT in my DNA. In fact, *20 years* after starting this regimen, I STILL dread most workouts!!! lol. If I could, I would skip them. But then I remember why I do them. For my health. And for my partner who values my health and fitness tremendously, as I do his. So I drag my lazy a$$ to the gym, or out in the cold, the rain, the sweltering heat for my daily walk.

And you know what? Every time, every SINGLE TIME, within five minutes of starting I'm glad I did it.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Mostlycontent said:


> As for your strenuous exercise comment, you need to quit watching all of those Infomercials that promise you can lose weight without doing much of anything. That's just plain nonsense and they do it because people are inherently lazy and they want to sell their product.


I have lost a ton of weight with nothing but dietary changes.



> The truth is that you need to burn calories and you only do that by raising your heart rate. You only accomplish that by strenuous exercise.


Or provide a deficit of caloric intake.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

firebelly1 said:


> Nobody - I probably came off badly yesterday. This subject riles me up. I was a single mom for most of the time my kids were growing up. I did not have the energy to do a lot of playing with them at the end of the day. I look back now and realize that there was a way to eat healthier and include the kids in preparing healthier foods, but at the time, I was overwhelmed and didn't know how to buy and prepare healthier foods (which are more expensive than boxed dinners and fast food). Nor did I know how to organize the chaos of 3 kids on my own AND do everything else. There were a lot of mental and emotional skills that I didn't have and didn't have the energy to obtain with everything else I had to do. And the truth is, even when I was married, I felt like this because my husband(s) believed it was a woman's job to parent and be the family cook.
> 
> I hear women say all the time that they are overwhelmed by everything they have to do. To some extent, it is our own fault because we need to learn how to say no and take time to ourselves. On the other hand, our culture wants us to be everything to everyone else. A good mom and wife puts everyone else first. And it's hard to reconcile those things.
> 
> When our husbands suggest we exercise and change the way we eat what we hear is "Another thing I have to do," and we are already overwhelmed. Thus my suggestion that if the husbands really want to see progress, help to lighten your wife's load. Don't add to the long list of things she has to do, but help her to replace some of the things she's doing with healthier things.


I think your getting triggered by this topic is not helpful to the OP. By addressing "culture" and "men", you are just off base as it relates to individual posters for whom there is no evidence that they are the same.

The skills YOU had or did not have really aren't relevant. Just sayin'. You likely have them now.

I know for ME, having my husband Nice Guy me would have done nothing to help me lose weight. This is why I never really replied to the OP. There is not a damned thing he can do about it. Unless and until SHE decides to do something, nothing will get done. And all the chores in the world won't change that. Choosing soda and chips for tv time has nothing to do with being overwhelmed.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

NobodySpecial said:


> I think your getting triggered by this topic is not helpful to the OP. By addressing "culture" and "men", you are just off base as it relates to individual posters for whom there is no evidence that they are the same.
> 
> The skills YOU had or did not have really aren't relevant. Just sayin'. You likely have them now.
> 
> I know for ME, having my husband Nice Guy me would have done nothing to help me lose weight. This is why I never really replied to the OP. There is not a damned thing he can do about it. Unless and until SHE decides to do something, nothing will get done. And all the chores in the world won't change that. Choosing soda and chips for tv time has nothing to do with being overwhelmed.


Triggered...or...I have some personal experience that could apply here. And my point about skills is...it is about skills. Why I didn't lose weight this week is not a moral question but a scientific one. 

If I ask myself why I didn't lose weight this week it doesn't help me to respond with "because I'm lazy." What does help me is to say, "I didn't reduce my calorie intake enough." And then figure out how I can do that next time. 

I'm not suggesting husbands be Nice Guys. I am suggesting that they treat the obstacles their wives express as legitimate and not dismiss them. 

And choosing chips and soda at tv time has EVERYTHING to do with being overwhelmed because those things are comforting.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

Just so everyone knows I'm not pulling this stuff out of my a$$, a lot of what I'm saying about human habit forming comes from behavioral psychologists like B.J. Fogg out of Stanford and folks who study habit forming like Leo Baubuta and the folks who wrote "Change Anything" and "Influencers." 

Essentially, in order to form any new habit, you have to make it as easy on yourself to form that habit as possible. Remove obstacles, increase the triggers that lead you to that habit, give yourself small rewards like noticing how good you feel about yourself after a workout. 

I think the people who are successful at staying fit, like Nobody and Mostly, are using those kinds of habit-formers all the time, they just might not be aware of them and so they chalk it up to being motivated enough. 

B.J. Fogg acknowledges that motivation is a factor and suggests ways in which you can increase your motivation. But he says the most important thing is your triggers - those things that remind you to do the task you need to do. I.e. the trigger for you to drive to the gym after work is seeing your gym bag in the passenger seat when you get out of work. The trigger for you to track your food in your online food diary is to have a pop-up reminder in your calendar, or as I've done, have my food tracker automatically pop up when I open my web browser. 

And then, after you have done your task as planned, you give yourself a little reward for doing it - like giving yourself a "way to go."


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

firebelly1 said:


> B.J. Fogg acknowledges that motivation is a factor and suggests ways in which you can increase your motivation.


Well, here's some motivation. The slowest, laziest, fat-A$$ed cavemen are the ones who perished!

The faster, leaner ones... who were able to successfully stalk their prey, kill it, and bring it home TO EAT were the ones who survived.

Lion chasing fat, lazy man? LION WINS!

Lion chasing, lean mean, aggressive hunter? LION LOSES!


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

If she's a size 10 you have no worries. I f you think that's too heavy, you are the one with the issues.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

firebelly1 said:


> Triggered...or...I have some personal experience that could apply here. And my point about skills is...it is about skills. Why I didn't lose weight this week is not a moral question but a scientific one.


I'm sorry. This is bull****. While I agree it has not a single thing with morality. (Not sure where THAT comes from.) It MAY be about skills. But people treat weight loss like it is some kind of magic thing of such massive mystery. It isn't. We've known about healthy eating forEVER. While they tweak the various specifics (cholesterol, carbs...) the same thing has applied for a very long time.

In our lives, there are a lot of things that require us to think, hmmmm I need to rethink this. How do I do this. If a skill is not present, you acquire it. It seems sensible to you to throw up your hands and say, I don't have the skill! If you did that at work, you'd get fired.




> If I ask myself why I didn't lose weight this week it doesn't help me to respond with "because I'm lazy." What does help me is to say, "I didn't reduce my calorie intake enough." And then figure out how I can do that next time.
> 
> I'm not suggesting husbands be Nice Guys. I am suggesting that they treat the obstacles their wives express as legitimate and not dismiss them.


The only obstacle she sited was kids. And that is sheer bull. So if he thinks she is lazy, he should just stifle his thoughts and... sounds a lot like Nice Guying to me. Do more. Do more. Do more.

It won't Work. If she does not want to get on board, he will just be signing himself up for more work. 




> And choosing chips and soda at tv time has EVERYTHING to do with being overwhelmed because those things are comforting.


Oh brother. Sing me a song of woe.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

Must be awesome to be so perfect.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

firebelly1 said:


> Must be awesome to be perfect.


Pffft. Women aren't some poor, maligned, unfortunate class of helpless people. They don't need a man to pave the way to their healthful decisions or solve their parenting woes. While the topic may be weight loss, whenever the solution is Poor Me My Husband Does Not Do Enough Chores, I think there goes equality.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

NobodySpecial said:


> Pffft. Women aren't some poor, maligned, unfortunate class of helpless people. They don't need a man to pave the way to their healthful decisions or solve their parenting woes. While the topic may be weight loss, whenever the solution is Poor Me My Husband Does Not Do Enough Chores, I think there goes equality.


Yep. All in our heads. Because you say so.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

firebelly1 said:


> Yep. All in our heads. Because you say so.


I didn't say it was all in your head. I said that once you know what you need to do, you can put on your big girl panties and do it. Or you can reach for the comforting chips and soda. And whine. In the final analysis, what a person chooses is what a person chooses.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

NobodySpecial said:


> I didn't say it was all in your head. I said that once you know what you need to do, you can put on your big girl panties and do it. Or you can reach for the comforting chips and soda. And whine. In the final analysis, what a person chooses is what a person chooses.


I am also saying that when a person knows what they need to do, they can do it. And I acknowledge that it is a choice. But when we tell people that the choice is about putting on one's big girl pants and don't acknowledge that biology and psychology affect that choice, we are making a moral argument and not a scientific one. Shaming people doesn't help them lose weight.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

firebelly1 said:


> I am also saying that when a person knows what they need to do, they can do it. And I acknowledge that it is a choice. But when we tell people that the choice is about putting on one's big girl pants and don't acknowledge that biology and psychology affect that choice, we are making a moral argument and not a scientific one. Shaming people doesn't help them lose weight.



There is no moral argument. Not losing weight is a perfectly reasonable choice to make. Not losing weight for your husband's sake is a particularly reasonable choice to make. NOTHING someone else does can help them CHOOSE to value losing weight.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

NobodySpecial said:


> There is no moral argument. Not losing weight is a perfectly reasonable choice to make. Not losing weight for your husband's sake is a particularly reasonable choice to make. NOTHING someone else does can help them CHOOSE to value losing weight.


I agree with you on that. Ultimately we have to lose weight for ourselves and not for someone else. 

I think there are things spouses can do to support their spouses in their weight loss efforts - and ways that they can hinder the effort. 

And I think often if someone isn't trying to lose weight, it isn't because they don't want to but because they don't really know how to lose weight and keep it off and / or they are discouraged by their failures in the past instead of using them as learning opportunities.

We are a culture that knows how to lose weight. We don't know how to lose weight and keep it off for the rest of our lives. Two different skill sets.


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

happy as a clam said:


> Well, here's some motivation. The slowest, laziest, fat-A$$ed cavemen are the ones who perished!
> 
> The faster, leaner ones... who were able to successfully stalk their prey, kill it, and bring it home TO EAT were the ones who survived.
> 
> ...


Minnesota Dentist Chases Lion - BOTH LOSE:lol:


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## fat_moe (Jul 29, 2015)

This is a difficult situation. 

Men want women who are in shape. This will not change no matter how much fat acceptance propaganda is directed at us. To make most husbands happy, a wife only has to do two things: stay in shape and be loyal. Unless your wife is a bodybuilder the BMI chart will tell her what her ideal weight is.

My lineage is from southern Italy and I am only 5'6". Height wasn't in the cards for me and I've been rejected by several women because of it. I accept that my height is not preferable to most women and suck it up. I wish I could exercise to a taller height, but there's nothing I can do. Still, I run every day and am slender. One of my friends lost her leg in a car accident and she is dedicated to Pilates. She's in really good shape. If she can exercise, so can your wife. The question is only if she feels your needs are important or not.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> Well, here's some motivation. The slowest, laziest, fat-A$$ed cavemen are the ones who perished!
> 
> The faster, leaner ones... who were able to successfully stalk their prey, kill it, and bring it home TO EAT were the ones who survived.
> 
> ...


That would explain the sorry state of humanity! The lion also ate some of the smartest one. They are not always the fastest ones, they usually are not.... 

I'm sorry, I do not agree with your definition. It implies that those among us with best bodies are the smartest and most hard working. 

Many of those fat people you guys dismiss as lazy, are very hard working people. Who have a lot to deal with it, to survive they have to let it go somewhere. They cannot let go of family or work, they let go of themselves. yeah, yeah, find right balane, etc. That takes another set of skills.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

fat_moe said:


> This is a difficult situation.
> 
> Men want women who are in shape. This will not change no matter how much fat acceptance propaganda is directed at us. To make most husbands happy, a wife only has to do two things: stay in shape and be loyal. Unless your wife is a bodybuilder the BMI chart will tell her what her ideal weight is.
> 
> My lineage is from southern Italy and I am only 5'6". Height wasn't in the cards for me and I've been rejected by several women because of it. I accept that my height is not preferable to most women and suck it up. I wish I could exercise to a taller height, but there's nothing I can do. Still, I run every day and am slender. One of my friends lost her leg in a car accident and she is dedicated to Pilates. She's in really good shape. If she can exercise, so can your wife. * The question is only if she feels your needs are important or not.*


Yep. We're all fat because we don't care about our husbands. :slap:


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## fat_moe (Jul 29, 2015)

firebelly1 said:


> Yep. We're all fat because we don't care about our husbands. :slap:


If I communicated to my wife that her weight is one of the most important things that affects my attraction and desire for her and she continued to pack on the pounds, then yes, I would assume she does not care about me very much. I would take it that she enjoys food more than me. It's about a level of respect.


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## arhodd (Feb 18, 2013)

Midnight_cowboy said:


> I thought 10 was large, maybe I'm mistaken?
> 
> Ok I googled size 10, my bad size 10 seems mighty fine to me.


LOL...glad you looked it up. You were about to get a backlash of epic proportions. US 10 is definitely nowhere near obese. 

As for the OP:

A) Going from size 6 to size 10 is not that bad. It's still smaller than the average U.S. woman, so you need to lay off of your wife unless you want her to become a size 1X. I have done the same thing since I married. Adrenal fatigue has led to hypothyroidism, which led to me gaining 30 lbs. while working out and eating clean. But my husband tells me I'm beautiful all the time. In fact, when I say I'm fat, he says I'm perfect. Now THAT is motivating.

B) You probably make her feel HORRIBLE when you make these plans for her. How would you feel if she did that for you without you asking her to? She probably feels like a child.

C) Do you have kids? Does she do everything around the house? Does she work full time? If yes to any or all of these, she's likely not lazy, but too flippin' tired to take care of herself. Women are notorious for always putting everyone and everything else before them. If you want her to focus on herself, YOU NEED TO STEP UP and do things for her. 

D) Have you tried cooking for her or inviting you to work out with her? If you make it more like, "Honey, I want to spoil you and cook a delicious meal for you" or "I want to spend time with you. Come work out with me," maybe she'll be more responsive.

Above all, if you love her as you say you do, you will accept her as she is. Her outside is just a shell. If she's everything you would want in a wife, then that should keep you attracted to her no matter how much weight she gains.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

It's a question of control versus influence. We can control ourselves (mostly) but we can only have influence on others by ours actions and words over time. There's a book "his needs / her needs" that touches on this topic in a way that might be helpful for her to read but beyond that it's a great book so both of you would get a lot out of it.

At the end of the day though, you can only influence her choices and then make your own.


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## fat_moe (Jul 29, 2015)

arhodd said:


> LOL...glad you looked it up. You were about to get a backlash of epic proportions. US 10 is definitely nowhere near obese.
> 
> As for the OP:
> 
> ...


Adrenal fatigue isn't a proven medical condition and only 4.6 percent of the U.S. population has hypothyroidism.

Hypothyroidism

Adrenal Fatigue: Symptoms, Causes, Treatment


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

fat_moe said:


> If I communicated to my wife that her weight is one of the most important things that affects my attraction and desire for her and she continued to pack on the pounds, then yes, I would assume she does not care about me very much. I would take it that she enjoys food more than me. It's about a level of respect.


It's not about you.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

A step in the right direction might be to agree what foods are in the fridge and pantry. Everything should have some nutritional content and no empty carbohydrates. That change alone might give you both more energy and reduce body fat without changing anything else.


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> I have lost a ton of weight with nothing but dietary changes.
> 
> 
> Or provide a deficit of caloric intake.



Well, this is one means of achieving the goal but adding more strenuous exercise like weight lifting or cardio work adds two things to the equation; 1) it expedites the process and 2) it actually gets you tone and in shape vs. just slimmer but still flabby and not very tight.

Further, it more likely ensures that you keep the weight off permanently because you've changed your lifestyle or behavior in such a way as to be more conducive to positive long term results. You see, if you lose weight by reducing calories alone, how long can you keep that up and sustain it? My answer is not very long and I don't care what you say or have read, it's all bullchit. This is why people have the yoyo effect because nobody can maintain and sustain a strict calorie diet forever.

I have my times, usually summer, when I can pretty much eat whatever I want because I exercise strenuously. That's a trade off I like. If I didn't exercise regularly, I would never be able to occasionally just eat what I wanted without gaining unwanted weight.


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

firebelly1 said:


> Just so everyone knows I'm not pulling this stuff out of my a$$, a lot of what I'm saying about human habit forming comes from behavioral psychologists like B.J. Fogg out of Stanford and folks who study habit forming like Leo Baubuta and the folks who wrote "Change Anything" and "Influencers."
> 
> Essentially, in order to form any new habit, you have to make it as easy on yourself to form that habit as possible. Remove obstacles, increase the triggers that lead you to that habit, give yourself small rewards like noticing how good you feel about yourself after a workout.
> 
> ...



Well, I agree with all this as it applies to any new habit, both good and bad I might add. People form new habits when they begin an exercise regimen, stop drinking or smoking or pretty much any lifestyle change.

The point is that anyone can do any and all of it with proper motivation. So you see, it is about motivation and not some stunted psychological makeup in a person that prevents them from making positive changes in their life.

Using that line of rationalization is just excuse making. I've worked with alcoholic and drug addicts for a number of years in my adult life and I totally understand this. Those who fail are just not motivated enough....plain and simple.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Mostlycontent said:


> Well, this is one means of achieving the goal but adding more strenuous exercise like weight lifting or cardio work adds two things to the equation; 1) it expedites the process and 2) it actually gets you tone and in shape vs. just slimmer but still flabby and not very tight.
> 
> Further, it more likely ensures that you keep the weight off permanently because you've changed your lifestyle or behavior in such a way as to be more conducive to positive long term results. You see, if you lose weight by reducing calories alone, how long can you keep that up and sustain it? My answer is not very long and I don't care what you say or have read, it's all bullchit.


Um. I've done it. It has been quite a few years. I am certainly not anti-exercise. I like having fun. But from a day to day standpoint, it is not that hard to eat right with delicious but healthy food. 



> This is why people have the yoyo effect because nobody can maintain and sustain a strict calorie diet forever.


I think the yo yo affect has more to do with failure to change their minds. Instead of learning new ways to cook and eat, they substitute "low calorie" versions of the same crap they are already eating as some kind of penance, then go back to eating the same crap when they are "done".



> I have my times, usually summer, when I can pretty much eat whatever I want because I exercise strenuously. That's a trade off I like. If I didn't exercise regularly, I would never be able to occasionally just eat what I wanted without gaining unwanted weight.


Know what you like. There is nothing wrong with that. I choose to eat differently with food that I like. I an eat small treats without gaining weight from time to time. But it is not the norm.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Jay,
I exercised at the local YMCA for years and maintained a family membership the whole time. During that time my wife never exercised with me. It wasn't a big deal and I never really pressured her because she's always been naturally healthy and slim (lucky genes to a degree). A few years ago I cancelled my membership and turned our garage into a workout room and started doing p90x with the money I was saving. The floor is covered with a wrestling I bought from the local high school when they were getting new ones, plenty of dumbbells, pull up bars, bands, DVD player and a big screen.

The point is, my wife does p90x with me 4-5 times every week. Not because I twisted her arms to do it but because it was so easy to walk from the living room to the garage that she didn't mind. Especially considering that my brother and his wife started coming over and doing it with us. And once she exercised for a couple of weeks and felt ten times better then she was hooked. Now we'll get lazy once in a while and take a break but we feel so much better when exercising that we always start back.

Firebelly said something along similar lines about making it easier and removing obstacles.


firebelly1 said:


> Essentially, in order to form any new habit, you have to make it as easy on yourself to form that habit as possible. Remove obstacles, increase the triggers that lead you to that habit, give yourself small rewards like noticing how good you feel about yourself after a workout.
> 
> I think the people who are successful at staying fit, like Nobody and Mostly, are using those kinds of habit-formers all the time, they just might not be aware of them and so they chalk it up to being motivated enough.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Yep. What thundarr said. When I worked, I had gym bag in the car, and that was the only chanc I would make it. Once I got home, that was impossible to go again. So, once I stayed home with kids, you can imagine how often I made to the gym...

Now my eliptical is right here, by me. I have learnt that if I put on movies on ipad while woring out, I will stay as long as the plot keeps me going. I started reseraching for new shows on tv, that I never watched. I watched all the seasons on Downtown Abbey, Mad men, and some other - ALL while excercising. I knew that once I get off the machine, my family will keep me busy, and there is no way I would be able to finish that episode. So I stayed for an hour just to finish episode.

So yes, we need to learn to trick ourselves into doing it. Whatever works.

Strenous excercies are the ones that it is hardest for average person to keep doing. And reserchers are paying attention. Just yesterday there was very interesting article on NYT, about the ideas reserachers have for intermittent exercices, that would keep people still engaged after first few months. It comes down to make it easy and enjoyable enough, otherwise it is doomed for failure:

http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2015/...also-have-fun/?smid=fb-nytimes&smtyp=cur&_r=0


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Mostlycontent said:


> Further, it more likely ensures that you keep the weight off permanently because you've changed your lifestyle or behavior in such a way as to be more conducive to positive long term results.
> * You see, if you lose weight by reducing calories alone, how long can you keep that up and sustain it? * My answer is not very long and I don't care what you say or have read, it's all bullchit. This is why people have the yoyo effect because nobody can maintain and sustain a strict calorie diet forever.
> 
> .


You can not keep it up for ever, true. that's why each of us has to find a way that works for us. For you is excercise, for me is 5-2 diet. I am eating 500 calories on two different days of the week. The other five I eat what I want. It is a lifestyle for me now. I have to have strong will only one day at the time. It works beautifully for me, and several of my friends. My labs are great. Energy level much better than in a long time. There is more and more research supporting very positive effects of intermittent fasting on longevity, brain, cancer, etc.


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## Euroinus (Jul 31, 2015)

U.S. And recently U.K has the largest people you are not going to get a lot of supportive comments there. Even this post is going to be interpreted as trouble searching and offensive even though I said the truth. 

Just try to cut out the junk, I get it some comfort food is needed. Especially for women. I swapped ice cream for frozen yogurt. Tastes the same. Small steps. No soda. The places with more natural food has smaller people. 

They say 80% diet and 20% excersice. 

give her loads of compliments. Tell her she's sexy and take her to hike the largest mountain in the U.K. I did that last time I was in the U.K. Breath taking. Double meaning


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

intheory said:


> Wow, a lot of back and forth. A lot of recurrent themes, as there always is on this tinderbox issue.
> 
> OP, all I'll add is: what if your wife will not lose weight; and gains more weight? As often happens when the lifestyle becomes more sedentary.
> 
> ...



This is the real question for OP, isn't it? If your spouse does nothing, what do you do? I think you can make them aware of your concern or your preference but not badger them because then it becomes a battle of wills. 

Since you can't control someone else's actions, in this case, your souse, you will lose that battle.

If you make it known that you will lose attraction for your spouse if they gain more weight or perhaps have already gained too much, and they do nothing, then you know where you stand with that person and can make a decision accordingly.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

Mostlycontent said:


> This is the real question for OP, isn't it? If your spouse does nothing, what do you do? I think you can make them aware of your concern or your preference but not badger them because then it becomes a battle of wills.
> 
> Since you can't control someone else's actions, in this case, your souse, you will lose that battle.
> 
> If you make it known that you will lose attraction for your spouse if they gain more weight or perhaps have already gained too much, and they do nothing, then you know where you stand with that person and can make a decision accordingly.


I agree with most of this but I know from experience that if you tell your spouse that her weight makes you less attracted to her, it could actually make things worse. My ex finally told me after we divorced that my weight had been an issue for him and I overate for a week. Because I went into a self-loathing, panic mode. If he'd said that while we were married - I know it would have made things more difficult for me because it would make me feel worse about myself, more self-conscious and more panicky that he was now watching everything I did. I would no longer be trying to lose weight for myself but out of fear that I would lose my marriage. And I have found that if I try to lose weight out of an emotional place of fear and self-loathing, I am not successful and it's even more of a struggle than usual.

So, my advice is that you decide for yourself what you will do if she does nothing, but don't tell her. If you want real results, ask her how she feels about her own health habits, and if she wants to improve, ask her how you can support her in that. And offer to do the grocery shopping and cooking, at least for a while.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

AT one point I gained 30 lbs in 7-8 months (it took us a while to figure out what was going on). Then I lost 40 and keeping it off. But my husband admitted (once I lost it) that he was loosing his attraction to me.

Guess what? Now he has 30 lbs to much. For the first time ever he is the one with weight problem. So, be careful in your judgements.... I know I can slip anytime and it is very scary thought. Would you change your opinion of me then? Now I am great and hardworking, and then I will be stupid and lazy?


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## the2ofus (Jan 28, 2014)

I think you're attraction slipping has more to do with your mindset than her weight. As long as you tell yourself her not losing the weight means she doesn't love you, you will have a problem. 

Did she work at staying thin before or did it just happen? Did she work out before and now gave it up cause she caught her man? (That would be false advertising) She may be eating more as she is enjoying making delicious meals for you.

I would suggest you go to the website mentioned type in her height and weight and look objectively at what that really looks like not comparing it to what she used to look like but all by itself.

What will you say if she gets stretch marks when pregnant, or wrinkles as she ages, or gets gray hairs and doesn't want to dye them? Does that make you less loved?


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

Agree totally with MostlyContent. This morning got up at 6:30 and went out for a long walk. When I got home at 8:15 wife was up with one of the kids and wasn't happy. She wasn't happy because he was up at 8:00 and she wanted to sleep in. I'm out trying to stay in shape and she's more worried about sleeping until 10:00 like a teenager. She's now back in bed while I have the kids. 

I also took the kids to a local county carnival while she had a prior commitment and she's not happy. Why? She wants to eat the fatty carnival food and knows that I didn't eat any. 

Again, lazy with no motivation. I'm always taking the kids swimming, to the park, etc, while she sits at home playing games and eating snacks. She doesn't seem to care that her weight is approaching mine (she makes noises about it but doesn't do anything). 

As for her being home for the summer, note that the kids go to the sitter three days a week. She can find time to exercise or do things around the house, but instead she sleeps until the kids are up, then makes sure she has time for a midday nap, even on a beautiful day.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

Want to post an edit but can't do it from my phone. She also purchased a FitBit along with a friend some months ago. Her friend uses hers - does wife use hers? Nope - sitting in a drawer somewhere. Her friend is always out exercising and trying to get wife to go with her, and wife always finds excuses not to go. This may explain why her friend is in shape while my wife's shape is more like a blob.


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

ChargingCharlie said:


> Want to post an edit but can't do it from my phone. She also purchased a FitBit along with a friend some months ago. Her friend uses hers - does wife use hers? Nope - sitting in a drawer somewhere. Her friend is always out exercising and trying to get wife to go with her, and wife always finds excuses not to go. This may explain why her friend is in shape while my wife's shape is more like a blob.


Your last two posts - It sounds like you really don't like your wife.

Sounds like she's depressed - with wanting to sleep all the time.

Are you always talking to her about her weight? Are you always calling her a blob, or fat, or making snide remarks about her weight reaching yours? Are you always harrassing her about what she eats? Do you tell her she's beautiful? Do you still have sex?

I would bet she sure doesn't feel unconditional love from you. 

Have you made efforts to exercise WITH her? Do things together as a family?


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

I never talk about her weight to anyone outside of this forum, least of all to her. I did ask her to come with us to the park last year and all she did was complain about how the kids were whiny and how far we walked. Decided that it was best if she wasn't with us when we went out. 

She's not depressed - she's lazy. She goes out a lot with friends (with my encouragement) but would rather sit on her duff playing games than go outside and enjoy the day.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

Charlie - who does the grocery shopping and food prep in your house? Have you offered to do those things?


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

I have offered and have gone shopping. Problem is that she'll go when she can and stock up on her snacks and diet soda while I get my fruits, veggies, etc. 

I just try to set an example - get up early to exercise, eat the right foods most of the time in the proper portions, take the kids out to play and run. Doesn't seem to faze her. Right now it's a beautiful day and I'm now taking a short break from yard work. She's inside sitting on the couch playing on the computer while the kids are watching TV. She could take them to the park, but she'd rather sit inside.


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

I feel for you, charlie. When I make my comments, I don't mean to imply that all people are lazy but most assuredly some are. Some are less motivated for sure and some just plain aren't motivated at all.

You really only have a few options as a spouse when you happen to be married to one of those types. You can make it clear, in as loving a way as possible, that you don't find that the least bit attractive and if no action is taken, you can begin to disengage and go find a partner that respects you enough to know that they should always at least try to stay in shape and be attractive for you.

Now before you go that far, I would ask if your wife is on any medication that causes her to be so lethargic or if she abuses alcohol or drugs in some way. What you describe is consistent with that behavior.

I believe, and have already stated as much, that it is the obligation of both spouses to stay looking as good as they can for as long as they can. Obviously, not everyone subscribes to this belief. If you feel likewise, perhaps it may be prudent to seriously consider finding someone who shares that opinion. 

I know this - life is short and to be attached to someone you no longer feel attraction or respect for is a difficult thing. I'm as pro-marriage a guy as you'll find but this would be a most difficult pill to swallow.

As Intheory suggested, if the hints of swimsuit model pictures don't peak her jealousy or anger about the situation, you might be dealing with someone who really doesn't love you anyway.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

Mostlycontent said:


> I feel for you, charlie. When I make my comments, I don't mean to imply that all people are lazy but most assuredly some are. Some are less motivated for sure and some just plain aren't motivated at all.
> 
> You really only have a few options as a spouse when you happen to be married to one of those types. You can make it clear, in as loving a way as possible, that you don't find that the least bit attractive and if no action is taken, you can begin to disengage and go find a partner that respects you enough to know that they should always at least try to stay in shape and be attractive for you.
> 
> ...


Thank you, MC. No drugs or alcohol (occasional drink but that's maybe once a month). She very immature, and that manifests itself in her laziness. As stated before, several years ago she worked at losing weight and dropped 50 lbs. Now she will mention how she's overweight and will make noise about doing something about it, but doesn't follow up. I'm not a guy that needs to be married to a hottie, but seeing the fat rolls on her stomach does not turn me on. 

Needless to say, issues go deeper than this. I like it when she's not around and it's just the kids and me. That means that I never get a break from the kids except to go to work, but I'd rather have a break from her.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

ChargingCharlie said:


> Thank you, MC. No drugs or alcohol (occasional drink but that's maybe once a month). She very immature, and that manifests itself in her laziness. As stated before, several years ago she worked at losing weight and dropped 50 lbs. Now she will mention how she's overweight and will make noise about doing something about it, but doesn't follow up. I'm not a guy that needs to be married to a hottie, but seeing the fat rolls on her stomach does not turn me on.
> 
> Needless to say, issues go deeper than this. I like it when she's not around and it's just the kids and me. That means that I never get a break from the kids except to go to work, but I'd rather have a break from her.


You guys are walking on melting ice here Charging. It's clear that you don't like or respect her and maybe she feels the same way. The question is whether infidelity will enter the picture or if you guys will either fix or end things the right way without a third or fourth person in the equation.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

pleasecoffee said:


> 12/14 is not obese either. it all depends on height. If I was a 12/14 I would look anorexic. but if a tiny 5'3 were 12/14 she would look big.


For me looking at other women, I think a ball park approximation is to take your height inches after 5 feet and make that your size.

Example:

5' 2" = Size 2

5' 8" = Size 8

In my experience, that would be a healthy looking female. Body type does play into it to some degree and I guess it depends what your into. Some guys like more meat on the bones. Some like me, not so much.


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## JQR (Jul 6, 2013)

I wish I had great advice on this. I used to bring it up all the time, but my wife just kept getting bigger. At this point I have just given up, and she has absolutely not gotten any smaller--but at least she's happier now without me nagging her about it.

She has gone from 130 lbs (59 kg) to about 550 lbs (250kg) or so in 10 years together.


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

JQR said:


> I wish I had great advice on this. I used to bring it up all the time, but my wife just kept getting bigger. At this point I have just given up, and she has absolutely not gotten any smaller--but at least she's happier now without me nagging her about it.
> 
> She has gone from 130 lbs (59 kg) to about 550 lbs (250kg) or so in 10 years together.



Is that a typo? Yikes!

Dude you don't have to nag her about losing weight, you have to worry about her having a heart attack and dying at that size.


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

the2ofus said:


> I think you're attraction slipping has more to do with your mindset than her weight. As long as you tell yourself her not losing the weight means she doesn't love you, you will have a problem.
> 
> Did she work at staying thin before or did it just happen? Did she work out before and now gave it up cause she caught her man? (That would be false advertising) She may be eating more as she is enjoying making delicious meals for you.
> 
> ...



I could understand that but not sure that is entirely accurate. To suggest that a spouse gaining weight couldn't result in their partner finding them less attractive is just not realistic.

I love my wife but if she gained 20 or 30 lbs, it would absolutely diminish my attraction to her....and vice versa by the way, as she likes my thin self too.


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## JQR (Jul 6, 2013)

Mostlycontent said:


> Is that a typo? Yikes!
> 
> Dude you don't have to nag her about losing weight, you have to worry about her having a heart attack and dying at that size.


No, its not a typo unfortunately. As you can imagine, when a woman gets this big covering for her mobility issues is starting to become a serious task.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

Happilymarried25 said:


> Most women would love to be a size 10. She isn't overweight. Love her the way she is and if she wants to loose weight then she will loose weight. What's going to happen if she gains say 50 pounds if she becomes pregnant and doesn't loose all the weight (which quite often happens) are you going to dump her because she isn't perfect anymore? Most women do gain weight as they get older so be prepared for that.


I agree. My husband loved me at size 12 when we first met and size 16 18 when i put on weight and now at a size 10-12 which i am now.

Its dam hard to lose weight when you know that you are overweight, and its also dam hard to accept that you are and to do something about it.....

My husband never criticized me, he loved me and he respected me still does and always have. He always told me that he loved me and me struggling with my weight never changed that.

I am not saying he does not think i am dam sexy now being a size 10 but nothing ever changed when i was a lot bigger i have always been me big or thin??:smile2:.

I lost weight because i wanted to, because I was NOT happy, not because my hubby was not happy with me.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Mostlycontent said:


> I could understand that but not sure that is entirely accurate. To suggest that a spouse gaining weight couldn't result in their partner finding them less attractive is just not realistic.
> 
> I love my wife but if she gained 20 or 30 lbs, it would absolutely diminish my attraction to her....and vice versa by the way, as she likes my thin self too.


I haven't read the entire thread. I am sure my opinion is vastly different from many women here. I agree with what Mostlycontent says here. 

If a partner gains a significant amount of weight, it does stand to reason that in some cases, attraction is lost. It doesn't even necessarily have anything to do with how much that partner loves you. People are attracted to what they are attracted to. Love isn't going to change that much. Yes, you can look past some flaws, but in many cases where the partner is gaining 40+ pounds (outside of pregnancy) - attraction probably diminishes at least some. 

Personally, I wouldn't have sex with my H as much if he looked like a pregnant man. It just wouldn't turn me on at all. I can still love him through it, but physically...it wouldn't make me want to jump in bed with him. 

I believe that couples should stay as attractive as possible for each other. Obviously normal "wear and tear" are to be expected, but 40+ lbs of weight gain outside of a serious medical issue...shouldn't be part of that.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> You guys are walking on melting ice here Charging. It's clear that you don't like or respect her and maybe she feels the same way. The question is whether infidelity will enter the picture or if you guys will either fix or end things the right way without a third or fourth person in the equation.


Maybe on thin ice, but no worries on infidelity. No way that I'll do that, and she's not wired that way, either. Also want to maintain my influence with the kids, and it's easier to do so when I'm around - if we got divorced and split the kids, she'd be the type to not get them to bed early enough, not play with them, etc., due to her laziness. If I'm around, then I'm there to keep them active and try to stay on a schedule (she likes them to stay up later when she doesn't have to work the next day so that she can sleep in. If they sleep until 9:30, she's happy).


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

ChargingCharlie said:


> Maybe on thin ice, but no worries on infidelity. No way that I'll do that, and she's not wired that way, either. Also want to maintain my influence with the kids, and it's easier to do so when I'm around - if we got divorced and split the kids, she'd be the type to not get them to bed early enough, not play with them, etc., due to her laziness. If I'm around, then I'm there to keep them active and try to stay on a schedule (she likes them to stay up later when she doesn't have to work the next day so that she can sleep in. If they sleep until 9:30, she's happy).


Little eyes and hears see and hear a lot. They will pick up on mannerisms and interacts between you and your wife. It's a baggage building environment for them to grow up in. Have you read any relationship material? I don't know if any would help but it's worth a try considering you want to best for your kids.


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## the2ofus (Jan 28, 2014)

BetrayedDad said:


> For me looking at other women, I think a ball park approximation is to take your height inches after 5 feet and make that your size.
> 
> Example:
> 
> ...



It would be nice if the formula was that simple but I'm 5'2" and a few years ago I was down to a size 6 and people kept asking if I was sick cause I was too thin, even my dad who likes women thin made a comment. Maybe some brands our more generous than others on sizing but this certainly doesn't work as a hard fast rule, at least not with the brands I was buying.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

the2ofus said:


> It would be nice if the formula was that simple but I'm 5'2" and a few years ago I was down to a size 6 and people kept asking if I was sick cause I was too thin, even my dad who likes women thin made a comment. Maybe some brands our more generous than others on sizing but this certainly doesn't work as a hard fast rule, at least not with the brands I was buying.


Absolutely not a hard fast rule.... It's just one guy's (mine) opinion of his ballpark range. Size is very subjective according to ones preference that's why it's so controversial.

Truth be told, I'd prefer a tone woman over skinny regardless of size. Something about a sculpted woman is just incredibly sexy to me, especially legs. 

Me personally, I certainly would prefer to be much more leaner than I am now. I'm working on it but it doesn't come easy with my endomorphic body type.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

ChargingCharlie said:


> Maybe on thin ice, but no worries on infidelity. No way that I'll do that, and *she's not wired that way, either.*


With all due respect CC, I doubt there are very many takers for an affair with a woman who weighs 550 lbs. You are getting the VERY short end of the stick in this situation.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

JQR said:


> I wish I had great advice on this. I used to bring it up all the time, but my wife just kept getting bigger. At this point I have just given up, and she has absolutely not gotten any smaller--but at least she's happier now without me nagging her about it.
> 
> She has gone from 130 lbs (59 kg) to about 550 lbs (250kg) or so in 10 years together.


250kg :surprise: 

That is just unbelievable, can't imagine there is any coming back down to a normal size after being that big.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

happy as a clam said:


> With all due respect CC, I doubt there are very many takers for an affair with a woman who weighs 550 lbs. You are getting the VERY short end of the stick in this situation.


My wife isn't the one that's 550 (she's overweight, but nothing like that). Maybe 50 lbs to lose, not 400


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

ChargingCharlie said:


> My wife isn't the one that's 550 (she's overweight, but nothing like that). Maybe 50 lbs to lose, *not 400*


Oops!!! My bad....


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

I don't even need to read through all of these pages of replies. In order for her to make any changes to herself, it has to be HER idea. Not yours. It isn't your job to change or micromanage her and I'm sure she doesn't appreciate your "efforts".

I quit smoking but my wife did not. I don't kiss her or get close to her when she smells like cigarettes. I don't make a big deal out of it, I just go find other things to do around the house when she smells like an ash tray.

So don't kiss your wife when she smells like Doritos. Maybe she will choose you over the chips at some point... but again, it has to be HER idea and HER desire to change her habits. Count yourself lucky... Most women would kick you in the balls and shove your diet plan spreadsheet right up your corn hole.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

happy as a clam said:


> Oops!!! My bad....


No worries - hell, I can't remember where I'm at half the time....


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

JQR said:


> I wish I had great advice on this. I used to bring it up all the time, but my wife just kept getting bigger. At this point I have just given up, and she has absolutely not gotten any smaller--but at least she's happier now without me nagging her about it.
> 
> She has gone from 130 lbs (59 kg) to about 550 lbs (250kg) or so in 10 years together.


OH! HELL NO!!!

Don't nag, get her committed!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

Piggy backing on others for JQR - I agree that this is a case where intervention is necessary. Her health is being seriously impacted. How does one put on that much weight?


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## jay36 (Jul 16, 2015)

*


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