# Need feedback from the fellas



## thissexisonfire (Apr 8, 2011)

I'll try to keep this brief! My husband and I dated for a year and have been married for almost 3. Things were extremely hot and heavy for the first few months of dating, but due to some illness, it pretty much stopped. For the first year of marriage, illness continued to keep the sex life dead. Understandably. Well the past 2 years have been frustrating. I've made it clear I am interested in having sex, to which I get no response. So a while back I asked him why we have no sex life. Here I am thinking it is because I have gained weight (which I had already lost due to working out), the meds I take are a turn-off, etc. He tells me that he quit having sex with me because the past few times he's felt that he has to do all of the work and I'm not entertaining in bed. Yes, it pissed me off. Primarily because I had been asking him what the problem was for atleast a year, and he wouldn't tell me. This could've all been rectified. So we decided to get things back on track. I put on a sexy outfit, etc. and things were nice. Well 3 weeks passed. At this point I'm confused because I can say that I was very entertaining the last time we were together. So I initiate sex before I was leaving for a trip. When I got back from my trip I initiated again. So, he says things are much better yet he doesn't initiate now. I give him oral, he doesn't reciprocate. So for me, nothing has changed. I didn't realize that being entertaining meant that I had to initiate it every time and do most of the work every time.

So the other night he makes a comment about me initiating sex late at night. How he would appreciate it if I would send him a text during the day so he knows I'm in the mood that way he won't pleasure himself before I get home. WTF? So I told him he was more than welcome to send me a text initiating ... to which I got no reply.

What the hell is going on? Any ideas? Feedback!?


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

thissexisonfire said:


> I'll try to keep this brief! My husband and I dated for a year and have been married for almost 3. Things were extremely hot and heavy for the first few months of dating, but due to some illness, it pretty much stopped. For the first year of marriage, illness continued to keep the sex life dead. Understandably. Well the past 2 years have been frustrating. I've made it clear I am interested in having sex, to which I get no response. So a while back I asked him why we have no sex life. Here I am thinking it is because I have gained weight (which I had already lost due to working out), the meds I take are a turn-off, etc. He tells me that he quit having sex with me because the past few times he's felt that he has to do all of the work and I'm not entertaining in bed. Yes, it pissed me off. Primarily because I had been asking him what the problem was for atleast a year, and he wouldn't tell me. This could've all been rectified. So we decided to get things back on track. I put on a sexy outfit, etc. and things were nice. Well 3 weeks passed. At this point I'm confused because I can say that I was very entertaining the last time we were together. So I initiate sex before I was leaving for a trip. When I got back from my trip I initiated again. So, he says things are much better yet he doesn't initiate now. I give him oral, he doesn't reciprocate. So for me, nothing has changed. I didn't realize that being entertaining meant that I had to initiate it every time and do most of the work every time.
> 
> So the other night he makes a comment about me initiating sex late at night. How he would appreciate it if I would send him a text during the day so he knows I'm in the mood that way he won't pleasure himself before I get home. WTF? So I told him he was more than welcome to send me a text initiating ... to which I got no reply.
> 
> What the hell is going on? Any ideas? Feedback!?


He's full of $hit for some reason. Sounds like he's making excuses and not telling you the truth. Could be his drive is low and he doesn't understand why. Or he's doing something else (porn, affair) and doesn't want to tell you.

Did you point out the obvious - that you did what he said you needed to do, yet things didn't improve?


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## thissexisonfire (Apr 8, 2011)

I feel the same way. There's still something else going on that he's not telling me! I would prefer to know that his drive is low rather than think it's something else, ya know!?

I have not pointed the obvious out yet. I was trying to give it a little time before I started a fight, which is what it's going to be because I can't continue to have this conversation calmly.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

thissexisonfire said:


> I feel the same way. There's still something else going on that he's not telling me! I would prefer to know that his drive is low rather than think it's something else, ya know!?
> 
> I have not pointed the obvious out yet. I was trying to give it a little time before I started a fight, which is what it's going to be because I can't continue to have this conversation calmly.


Try the calm conversation before the fight!

How old are you guys? If he's in his 30s his drive is due to start naturally decreasing...which can cause some shame and embarassment which leads to excuses.

Any chance that something else is going on that you don't know about?


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## thissexisonfire (Apr 8, 2011)

I have attempted multiple calm conversations, to which all of the problems seem to be mine. I don't buy it.

We are in our late 20s. 

I honestly have no clue. But going 7 months without any physical affection at all is ridiculous. Now I feel like I'm forcing it. I'm still not getting what I want.. which is to feel desired and sexy.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

He's probably too young for related health problems. Probably...

Any signs of pornography? How often does he masturbate?

Any signs of an affair?

Lousy questions, I know...


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## thissexisonfire (Apr 8, 2011)

No sign of an affair. Not really sure about porn or how often he masturbates. 

Honestly I'm just getting really tired of being the man in the relationship.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

I know how you feel.

I once made a passing comment to my husband that his excuses were beginning to sound like he was a woman (sorry gals - I'm one too) - that really pissed him off.

I thought it was primarily me, maybe he wasn't attracted anymore, etc.

Come to find out I'm way out of whack.

Because he WOULDN'T discuss the real reason I truly didn't have a clue and was making up reasons myself.

But, he finally opened up to his counselor and lo and behold I'll be damn if he didn't tell his counselor that his sex drive had dropped. WTF?? I've been begging and asking him to tell me the scoop and he would just shut down.

Reason he was on porn (according to what he told the counselor), he was trying to increase his sex drive and I found out that he downloaded an e-book on "increasing your sex drive."

WOW - we would have had a lot less issues if he would have just been honest with me, I wouldn't have pushed, pressured him, etc.

He made me believe that it was me - that I was just a sex craved nympho and didn't care about the issues related to his TBI, etc., when that wasn't the problem at all.

Maybe your husband is experiencing something similar and using other reasons as why he's not interested instead of confiding in you the real reason - which could be that his drive has lowered or something along that realm and not because he's cheating, etc.

I've just spent the last 1.5 years without knowing the "real" reason. Now that I know, well now we can work on it together and I won't have to think that it was "ME" anymore.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Well what was the real reason?


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

His reasoning is totally flawed when he blames it on you. Why wasn't this the case in the first few months. Some would say the usual suspects, like porn addiction, adultery, body swapped by aliens, etc, but you deserve the truth. Often, I think its a combination of lowered sex drive and his own fear of underperforming. Guys get frantic when the sex drive lowers, and it starts a vicious cycle of thoughts. Perceived anger from you will only make it worse, if this is the case.

But, in 25 years of marriage, with a healthy sex life, my wife has only initiated a handful of times. Seriously, though, I don't give her much of a chance to. He's hitting himself with a stupid stick for not being thankful that you are trying to work so hard on it, if you ask me. Not many of us have patience in these situations, but if you are a saint, then compassionate support might be the way to get him to open up.


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