# Walkaway Wife; How to Come to Terms



## NullFeeling

Hi all,

I found this forum in my own search for answers. My wife decided to file divorce and there is nothing I can say or do to stop that from happening. Its happening. 

I'm having difficulties coming to terms with the situation. I feel blame, fear, guilt, and the inability to reach acceptance. I suggested everything, but she's decided to go.

How do I move forward? I'm taking the time to care about myself, I am. But that's a statement that's easier said than done. I'm not currently in the best situation right now (I'm away from home for work), so I don't have a very safe place to process everything.


----------



## Evinrude58

Only way to move forward abd get past the pain is:
Build yourself a new happy life
Be patient in how you feel, expect slow release from the pain, likely a couple of years to reach indifference at least.
Do things you always wanted to do.
Find someone new.
Stop analyzing your marriage. It’s never one person’s fault.


----------



## UpsideDownWorld11

Time will heal. Until then keep active and busy. Join a gym, run, anything to keep your mind occupied. When my wife left I couldn't read or even think clearly. So I just killed myself physically. I would check out some red pill stuff, don't go too far down the rabbit hole but it gives you some perspective that may help with your situation.


----------



## Anastasia6

Look you are right you can't stop it. Walk away wives, if yours is one, have years of resentment built up and they have shut down. Usually they shut down a long time ago. There isn't a way to turn that back on usually.

So the suggestions to 
exercise
move on
release yourself and your wife are all good ones.

I'd recommned sitting down with yourself or your wife and figure out how you contributed to the demise. Understanding yourself will help you avoid those pitfalls in the future. In the end love yourself and treat yourself well.

I'd urge you to give yourself some time alone to process the change before getting back out there. Or be honest with those you date. Nobody deserve to be your rebound girl unless they have a head up and want to. You also might not be in good shape to be making decisions. Some men get divorced, start dating as soon as they can and end up in another long term relationship that isn't with a good partner just because they enter it when they aren't in a better head space.


----------



## re16

Honestly, whatever her reasons are, consider yourself lucky she didn't cheat on you and try to stay married.

If someone is going to go, let them go.

Life is too short to waste time on someone that isn't adding to your life.

Try not to lock yourself into major decisions during this transition phase. Wait until you are settled and stable as a single person.


----------



## oldshirt

Anastasia6 said:


> I'd recommned sitting down with yourself or your wife and figure out how you contributed to the demise. Understanding yourself will help you avoid those pitfalls in the future.


That is assuming he did something wrong or something that made her leave. Maybe he did, but maybe he did not. 

Sometimes people leave simply because they want to and it doesn't have anything to do with anything their partner did or did not do. 

I think most people that are not true sociopaths will do some sort of self reflection to question if something they did made their partner leave...... but assuming one isn't abusive, addicted, mentally ill, chronically unemployed etc etc sometimes one can do everything right and nothing wrong and their partner still packs up and leaves.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

NullFeeling said:


> Hi all,
> 
> I found this forum in my own search for answers. My wife decided to file divorce and there is nothing I can say or do to stop that from happening. Its happening.
> 
> I'm having difficulties coming to terms with the situation. I feel blame, fear, guilt, and the inability to reach acceptance. I suggested everything, but she's decided to go.
> 
> How do I move forward? I'm taking the time to care about myself, I am. But that's a statement that's easier said than done. I'm not currently in the best situation right now (I'm away from home for work), so I don't have a very safe place to process everything.


If it's become a problem that won't budge, you need to go to a psychologist and see if they can help you through accepting what you can't control. 

Caring about yourself is very important. Staying busy and keeping yourself showered dressed and ready to roll is also very important. Giving forethought to doing active things every week that you enjoy is also very important, whether that be taking a day trip we're going to the zoo or a movie. You need to keep putting one foot ahead of the other and living life and making the effort to keep an enriched life to avoid getting more depressed.


----------



## jonty30

NullFeeling said:


> Hi all,
> 
> I found this forum in my own search for answers. My wife decided to file divorce and there is nothing I can say or do to stop that from happening. Its happening.
> 
> I'm having difficulties coming to terms with the situation. I feel blame, fear, guilt, and the inability to reach acceptance. I suggested everything, but she's decided to go.
> 
> How do I move forward? I'm taking the time to care about myself, I am. But that's a statement that's easier said than done. I'm not currently in the best situation right now (I'm away from home for work), so I don't have a very safe place to process everything.


One step at a time.
Make a daily checklist of everything you have to do in order to take care of yourself and make sure everything is checked off every day.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Anastasia6 said:


> Some men get divorced, start dating as soon as they can and end up in another long term relationship that isn't with a good partner just because they enter it when they aren't in a better head space.


I think a lot of people do this, not just men. My ex moved a guy in two weeks after I was forced out of my home.


----------



## jonty30

RebuildingMe said:


> I think a lot of people do this, not just men. My ex moved a guy in two weeks after I was forced out of my home.


Whomever ends the relationship is usually the more ready one to start a new relationship.


----------



## oldshirt

jonty30 said:


> Whomever ends the relationship is usually the more ready one to start a new relationship.


Yeah people generally don't get pissed off on Sunday and move out Monday morning. In the case of medium-long term marriages, people can often detach and break away over a period of literally YEARS. 

By the time they are heading down the street with the moving truck, they're basically stepping into their next life. They have have been feathering their next nest for many months or even planning and making preparations for a year or more. 

As women are statistically much more likely to end a relationship, they are often the ones that do this, but men can do it as well.


----------



## Marc878

No contact is key. Cut her out of your life. Even if you have kids you can do it. 
Look up and read grey rocking.
Most often they come back around wanting to be friends. That’s for them not you.
Definition of friend- loyal, honest and trustworthy.

You are the only one that can keep yourself in this.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

Your goal is to eventually stop caring what she thinks about what you do going into the future. Don't plan your daily actions around what she may or may not think about it. Don't make internet posts that take into consideration what she may think about that. Get in the habit of living without referring back to her.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

Evinrude58 said:


> Only way to move forward abd get past the pain is:
> Build yourself a new happy life
> Be patient in how you feel, expect slow release from the pain, likely a couple of years to reach indifference at least.
> Do things you always wanted to do.
> Find someone new.
> Stop analyzing your marriage. It’s never one person’s fault.


Take this to heart. It's never one sided.
She has reasons you'll never be told.


----------



## In Absentia

Anastasia6 said:


> I'd recommned sitting down with yourself or your wife and figure out how you contributed to the demise. Understanding yourself will help you avoid those pitfalls in the future.


It also helps to reach closure, which is what I'm struggling with right now. My wife won't really talk about it and I know she won't tell me the truth: her mental issues. So, I have no way to close this chapter of my life. The only thing I can do is to see a therapist.


----------



## jonty30

In Absentia said:


> It also helps to reach closure, which is what I'm struggling with right now. My wife won't really talk about it and I know she won't tell me the truth: her mental issues. So, I have no way to close this chapter of my life. The only thing I can do is to see a therapist.


All you can do is be nice to the wife, to keep the peace, and start having a life outside the home. I mean that in terms of hobbies and personal interests.


----------



## Angel wings

NullFeeling said:


> Hi all,
> 
> I found this forum in my own search for answers. My wife decided to file divorce and there is nothing I can say or do to stop that from happening. Its happening.
> 
> I'm having difficulties coming to terms with the situation. I feel blame, fear, guilt, and the inability to reach acceptance. I suggested everything, but she's decided to go.
> 
> How do I move forward? I'm taking the time to care about myself, I am. But that's a statement that's easier said than done. I'm not currently in the best situation right now (I'm away from home for work), so I don't have a very safe place to process everything.


You need to pull yourself together my dear look your wife is happy to get a divorce that say it all. Why make yourself sick? Is it worth pain.. She never love you.. There will be someone else that will make you happy some day but for know take it one day at a time.. I know it's a kak hurt feeling but you will get tru it.. I myself went tru a painful divorce but made me what I am today.. Stop thinking about it just move forward not backwards.


----------



## In Absentia

jonty30 said:


> All you can do is be nice to the wife, to keep the peace, and start having a life outside the home. I mean that in terms of hobbies and personal interests.


We are perfectly civil, since we are both to blame really. But she is ahead of me in terms of healing, since she's been detaching for a long time and I didn't have a clue. Hopefully, this stupid Covid crap will go away and I will be able to have a normal life enjoying myself outside the house.


----------



## damo7

oldshirt said:


> That is assuming he did something wrong or something that made her leave. Maybe he did, but maybe he did not.
> 
> Sometimes people leave simply because they want to and it doesn't have anything to do with anything their partner did or did not do.
> 
> I think most people that are not true sociopaths will do some sort of self reflection to question if something they did made their partner leave...... but assuming one isn't abusive, addicted, mentally ill, chronically unemployed etc etc sometimes one can do everything right and nothing wrong and their partner still packs up and leaves.


Would have to be a pretty ****ty person to leave for nothing. It's breaking the biggest promise we can make. I'd never date a woman that left her husband when he did nothing wrong. "Oh I just wanted to leave, I got bored." etc. 
I'd get up and leave the table, disgusted lol


----------



## oldshirt

damo7 said:


> Would have to be a pretty ****ty person to leave for nothing. It's breaking the biggest promise we can make. I'd never date a woman that left her husband when he did nothing wrong. "Oh I just wanted to leave, I got bored." etc.
> I'd get up and leave the table, disgusted lol


Be prepared to be disgusted and walking away from a lot of tables then because many divorces don’t really involve egregious violations by the other party. 

Lots of divorces are simply people that no longer want to be together for whatever reason(s).


----------



## Anastasia6

damo7 said:


> Would have to be a pretty ****ty person to leave for nothing. It's breaking the biggest promise we can make. I'd never date a woman that left her husband when he did nothing wrong. "Oh I just wanted to leave, I got bored." etc.
> I'd get up and leave the table, disgusted lol


Very rarely is walk away wife based on nothing. Usually it is that they have voiced issues for years to be ignored or mocked or told they are crazy or high maintenance. Often times while these things are going on building resentment the wife is 'talked' to about sex, sex sex but her needs are also not being met. Or the husband is threatening divorce anytime he wants to win an argument or get sex. again the resentment builds and eventually the wife stops voicing her displeasure since it falls on deaf ears. She'll put out to keep the family together for the kids until either she can't take it anymore, she meets someone else or the kids hit a certain age.

Most men in this case then walk around blind sided because they had no idea anything was wrong. She wasn't complaining and they were having sex.

It is usually sad all the way around. Neither wanted to spend 10-15 years in this kind of relationship.


----------



## Annonymous Joe

In Absentia said:


> It also helps to reach closure, which is what I'm struggling with right now. My wife won't really talk about it and I know she won't tell me the truth: her mental issues. So, I have no way to close this chapter of my life. The only thing I can do is to see a therapist.


And honestly, you may never get a true reason, because she is either afraid to tell you, admit it to herself, or fears how others perceive her. Sometimes a person just runs with a fleeting feeling and once they commit they are too guilty, ashamed, embarrassed to admit it, or convinced it's right or getting bad advice from a close friend or family member, so for them the logical thing is to move forward, even if it hurts them as much as it hurts you. Like a lot of posters said here, there was probably years of resentment, whether real or imaginary, and maybe it was never communicated to you clearly throughout that time, you were flying in the dark. A lot of "you should've known" mentality exists with women (and to be fair, men too, but I see it more with women). It's unfair to you and will never get resolved. If it is truly a "mental issue" as you say, then there is a good chance you will never know, because she either doesn't know herself, or she can't say it outloud because processing that pain admits there is an issue within, which, for even the mentally healthiest of people, is a really hard thing to do. If I may ask, how do you know she has mental issues (has she been diagnosed, communicated background trauma, taking medication)?
I ask these things because I'm in a very similar situation, and it's confusing, but you can't dwell on what you don't know. I have literally been told she resented me for things that she would brag to others how happy she was that I did because it kept her responsibility load down. It didn't make sense, and sometimes, it just doesn't, though to be fair, we both did our share of screwing up. I can look myself in the mirror now and know the mistakes I made and only correct them moving forward.


----------



## MattMatt

Zombie Cat has identified this as a Zombie Thread. So he and his cousin, Eddie the AcroCat, have closed it down.


----------

