# Bottom line - I don't love him anymore



## luckycardinal (Feb 7, 2012)

I have read a number of threads of women (and men, too) on here saying they fell out of love with their spouses or never loved them. I didn't want to hi-jack someone else's thread, but this issue has been on my mind a lot lately, too.

Long story short - my husband and I married each other 10 years ago. Part of the reason I chose to marry was because I was pregnant with his child. I already had doubts as he showed some signs of being verbally abusive. Our 10 year marriage has been characterized by verbal and emotional abuse by him to me, his pushing me into a career I am not happy in (but do pretty well in), his decision to "retire" from working (he is not retirement age) and stay home playing on the computer, watching movies and getting drunk/stoned all day. This has gone on throughout the marriage. He has not worked in 5 years.

I began counseling about 2 months ago. I have also been pulling away from him for a long time, just because I've gotten a backbone and decided to quit being a doormat for him. I'm incredibly angry about the havoc he has wreaked on our finances (by not working and by spending too much) and his lack of responsibility. My therapist said it's time to decide to stay or go - I'm extremely depressed and having anxiety attacks and physical symptoms of stress. I decided to try giving him another chance, so I sat him down and told him that I'm unhappy with his staying stoned and drunk and he's going to have to find a job. He agreed to do so but has not given it much effort. He also won't apply to jobs that require drug testing (which constitute a considerable amount of jobs he's qualified for). I called him just now and he's playing guitar, having fun, not looking for work like he promised.

Also, deep down, I've known for a long time that I don't love him anymore and I am definitely NOT in any way, shape, form or fashion attracted to him in any way. In fact, the idea of being intimate with him sickens me. I did love him at one time, but I'm not sure if it was "true" love (if that even exists) or if it was infatuation. We didn't know each other well enough when we married, I know that much. We don't have many common interests or beliefs. I used to be attracted to him but his screaming and yelling at me, his selfish attitudes, his destruction of our life an finances over the years have destroyed all that.

In a way, I'd like to go back to loving him and putting up with him to make things easier, but I know I don't love him and I'm not sure I ever can again. Religious beliefs, staying together for the sake of the kids, fear for what will happen to him if I leave (he may be devastated and says he still loves me) and commitment with a lack of intimacy are all that's keeping me here. I'm not sure what is best to do and if I should keep giving chances or just end it.

Just my 2 cents on the issue of not "being in love" anymore.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Being with a man you don't love and know you will never love is the worst thing you can do to him. He deserves better. Yes, it will be painful when you tell him, but the pain will eventually subside. Living this way will be painful forever.

Let him go and find someone who will love him the way he deserves.


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## Toshiba2020 (Mar 1, 2012)

i see no reason to stay with im, youre already supporting the family and you will surely get full custody as they wont give your kids to a jobless pot head. the only reason i would say to stay with him is if you love him and he makes you happy which hes doesnt so move on!


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## luckycardinal (Feb 7, 2012)

Sam, you make it sound like I'm doing this because I WANT to. That is so not the case. I have given him innumerable chances throughout these 10 years. I am not a perfect person by any means. I was willing, even not too long ago, to let bygones be bygones and move on. I have begged him to go to marriage encounter weekends to try to work out the problems. My family even agreed to watch the kids, but he refused to go. I have gone to counseling with him only to have him tell the counselor I was being an "a-hole" and be unwilling to work on things. He has literally pushed me outside the door, locked it and not let me back into my own home to care for my infant child. I guess that was the turning point when I realized he did not care for me - even if he said he did, his actions said otherwise. What about ME getting the love I deserve? I have tried so, so hard and am so, so tired to the point of being literally physically ill.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I didn't comment on whether you wanted to do this or not. Or whether he deserves your love or not.

If you don't love him, and you know you can't love him, then leave him.

I made it sound like this is for him. It is really for both of you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

So get a divorce. Stop wasting both of your time.


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## luckycardinal (Feb 7, 2012)

SadSamIAm said:


> I didn't comment on whether you wanted to do this or not. Or whether he deserves your love or not.
> 
> If you don't love him, and you know you can't love him, then leave him.
> 
> I made it sound like this is for him. It is really for both of you.


Sorry - I am just upset right now. It hurts me to leave and it hurts me to stay. I really wanted better for us.


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## Stryker (Feb 3, 2012)

Tell him of leaving and see...may be he will have some inertia shattered...


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## Stryker (Feb 3, 2012)

luckycardinal said:


> Sorry - I am just upset right now. It hurts me to leave and it hurts me to stay. I really wanted better for us.



Tug of War between Loving and Leaving...

Have a hint on leaving ,he would respond non-amicably or otherwise, but get him into a mature enough conversation to have a talk on present n further life and its issues ..


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I honestly could never be married to someone who does illegal drugs, that includes smoking pot. The heavy pot smokers I know are very angry people and they think they know it all. It's disturbing and in my opinion, children should not be raised in that enviorment.

You put up with it for a long time. You can not change who they are. I know that sick feeling you have. I had it with my ex. He was also a pot smoker and an abuser. He doesn't like to work either. I paid all of the bills. He'd turn around and buy something stupid for 5,000, keeping it a secret from me. I left, I never gave him a second chance to change due to that sick feeling.

I'm so happy now. I've been married to my husband for 12 years. My ex h is worse off then before. His anger grew and he's more abusive to his current wife then he was with me. My ex and I had a child. I married him due to being pregnant and young. 

I learned from my mistakes and I found a much better man who treats me with respect. 

It's time to seek out that lawyer and divorce your husband. You'll be much happier.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Lucky:

I came to a similar decision after 30 years of marriage. Only after the symptom of an affair (mine) did I realize that something was wrong. We had drifted apart, and didn't even know it. After some counseling, I found out that I lost my love for my wife many years ago, and that the affair was evidence of a problem (not the cause). The affair was discovered, and I was mentally all over the map. I didn't know what to do, but was being told from many sources what I "should" do. 

When I finally listen to myself, I know what I had to do for myself, and her. I had to end the marriage. To stay around as a husband that no longer loved his wife was not something I felt was right to either of us. We both have pain that needs to end, and lives to still live. 

We do not hate each other, or have had any bad situations like you have. I respect her in every way, and will love her unconditionally for the rest of my life. I am thankful for the many good times we had, and the children we raised together.

Do what you need to do for you, and him. But you decide what that is. Don't let others decide for you. Most of all, forgive yourself for any action you might need to take that will cause pain. And forgive those who have caused you pain.

Good luck


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

I hope you find the strength to move on from this nightmare. Stop making excuses. You've been doing that for 10 years.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

HerToo said:


> Lucky:
> 
> I came to a similar decision after 30 years of marriage. Only after the symptom of an affair (mine) did I realize that something was wrong. We had drifted apart, and didn't even know it. After some counseling, I found out that I lost my love for my wife many years ago, and that the affair was evidence of a problem (not the cause). The affair was discovered, and I was mentally all over the map. I didn't know what to do, but was being told from many sources what I "should" do.
> 
> ...


The OP is in an abusive relationship that she never really wanted in the first place. Your situtaion seems more like some kind of MLC...she didn't just 'fall out of love' with him. There were good reasons for it other than just drifting apart and affairs.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I agree. I did not mean to imply the situations were the same. Also, mine is not a MLC. I've inquired many times about this. My doctor and counselors (IC and MC) agree.


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## luckycardinal (Feb 7, 2012)

Thanks for the advice, all. I know what I have to do. I'm looking for a job in my home state and hope to move the family back there before taking action. I don't know anyone out here where we're living now and I know I'm going to need people to lean on going through all this. It will help my husband too as the economy is much better back home, which will help him be able to support himself after his meal ticket's gone.


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