# Porn--Trying to Understand--Why Is It a Threat?



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Do you view PORN as cheating?

If you do, what types of porn?

Pictures, videos?

Live sex web cams, live sex chats?

Sexual-type websites (hook-ups, lonelywives, etc.)?

Or is ALL of the above perfectly acceptable and a normal part of a man's life?

If your MAN is viewing porn, do you know about it? 

How do you know about it? 

Did you find out about it on your own or did he tell you?

Do you view porn yourself?

Do you view porn together?

Are you threatened by his use of porn? Is your sex life suffering or is it normal?

Let's discuss.


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

Hold on. There is a difference between porn (as in pre-recorded movies, pictures) and live porn (chats, sex cams with an actual person).

In my book:
Pre-recorded movies - not cheating (non-personal "contact")
Live chats, sex cams, sexting, hookups, adultfriendfinders etc - cheating (personal contact).

_If your MAN is viewing porn, do you know about it?_
Yes.

_How do you know about it? Did you find out about it on your own or did he tell you?_
Told me, showed me, exposed me and apparently contaminated me LOL

_Do you view porn yourself?_
Yes.

_Do you view porn together?_
Yes.

_Are you threatened by his use of porn?_
No.

_Is your sex life suffering or is it normal?_
When it sucked I never attributed it to porn.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

reachingshore said:


> Hold on. There is a difference between porn (as in pre-recorded movies, pictures) and live porn (chats, sex cams with an actual person).
> 
> In my book:
> Pre-recorded movies - not cheating (non-personal "contact")
> ...


So when your sex life sucked, what did you attribute it to? Did his use of porn ramp up when it sucked or stay the same?

Has he every tried to hide any of his porn use from you?


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

I didn't attribute it to anything really (as in "Ahaa! This has got to be it!"). I looked for solid objective answers as to why exactly we didn't have sex. Those turned out to be a combination of prolonged tension and lack of communication about it. Seemingly simple and obvious answers, but if one doesn't talk about it and the situation is long-lasting, one begins to over-complicate things in her oversexed mind, right? 

Even if we watch porn separately, neither of us hides it from one another.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

reachingshore said:


> I didn't attribute it to anything really. I looked for solid objective answers as to why exactly we didn't have sex. Those turned out to be a combination of prolonged tension and lack of communication about it. Seemingly simple and obvious answers, but if one doesn't talk about it and the situation is long-lasting, one begins to over-complicate things in her oversexed mind, right?
> 
> Even if we watch porn separately, neither of us hides it from one another.


And that could be the problem in my marriage.

But, you have to talk about it and he won't - sort of limits my options, huh?

So I try to improve anything I can (me, communication, interaction between us,), etc., all with misinformation, no information and pure guessing on my part.

Very sad to be alone in this marriage.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

reachingshore said:


> Hold on. There is a difference between porn (as in pre-recorded movies, pictures) and live porn (chats, sex cams with an actual person).
> 
> In my book:
> Pre-recorded movies - not cheating (non-personal "contact")
> ...


My answer too! Thank you to typing it out for me!


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Do you view PORN as cheating?
> 
> If you do, what types of porn?
> 
> ...


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> And that could be the problem in my marriage.
> 
> But, you have to talk about it and he won't - sort of limits my options, huh?
> 
> ...


I get it :/ I guess it was hard for my husband to just tell me he had a problem performing or didn't feel like it (or something) when he'd been stressed. It's only when I came to TAM, posted my case and then showed him replies, he "opened up". I think it was a kind of a shock therapy for him LOL

Believe me, prior to that, I was even once told (while he was drunk) that he was not attracted to me anymore. Till date he denies he's ever said it. Luckily I am not a kind of a woman to take it personally. I am probably overly self confident when it comes to my physique  I realize that at the time I was very aggressive in pursuing him, something which I normally wouldn't be as I know it's a turn off for him (there is a difference between "aggressive" and "assertive").


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Do you view PORN as cheating?
> 
> If you do, what types of porn? _*Use to, 3-4 yrs ago. Movies, webpages.*_
> 
> ...


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Do you view PORN as cheating?


No. I DO view deceit as cheating.


> If you do, what types of porn?
> 
> Pictures, videos?
> 
> Live sex web cams, live sex chats?


In my opinion, there is a difference between inanimate viewing and live action, in real time interpersonal interaction. The former is porn. The latter is... something else. Not sure what.



> Sexual-type websites (hook-ups, lonelywives, etc.)?


That is not porn. That is looking to swing, cheat, something. But it isn't porn.


> Or is ALL of the above perfectly acceptable and a normal part of a man's life?
> 
> If your MAN is viewing porn, do you know about it?


Yes. Yes.


> How do you know about it?


He tells me. He doesn't bother to hide it. 



> Did you find out about it on your own or did he tell you?
> 
> Do you view porn yourself?


Yes.


> Do you view porn together?


Yes. 


> Are you threatened by his use of porn? Is your sex life suffering or is it normal?


It is "normal" for us BECAUSE we are not threatened by it. Our sex life is probably not normal. It is probably abnormally active and varied, if what we see here is any indication. Porn plays a TEENY part in that.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Thankfully I'm not threatened by it either. However, what I would feel threatened by would be if I was with someone who chose it over me. I see that alot here on these threads and in other forums. Where a woman will clearly state her spouse is watching porn and preferring it over her because he doesn't want her sexually, but then the whiners start it. But... but... porn is ok..its great all people do it..she should just get over it, blah blah,when that wasn't even what some peoples posts were about, or what they were trying to say. Some people just automatically assume, she doesn't like porn, and that she needs to get over it.


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## DudleyD (Jan 25, 2011)

I've said this before on other threads but let me reiterate... 

Ladies, have you found your husbands porn? Are you desperate for sex? Is he "choosing porn over you"? 

Why not try looking at his porn to see what he's interested in, maybe it's a type of bra the girls are wearing, maybe it's a certain sex act they are performing... maybe it's just a situation in the movie... you have a window into "what turns your husband on" - why not use it to your advantage?


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

DudleyD said:


> I've said this before on other threads but let me reiterate...
> 
> Ladies, have you found your husbands porn? Are you desperate for sex? Is he "choosing porn over you"?
> 
> Why not try looking at his porn to see what he's interested in, maybe it's a type of bra the girls are wearing, maybe it's a certain sex act they are performing... maybe it's just a situation in the movie... you have a window into "what turns your husband on" - why not use it to your advantage?


What turns a guy on about porn is that it is somebody different. If the spouse performed the EXACT same sex acts as they do in porn, men would still watch it. What exactly would the point be?


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

Brennan said:


> What turns a guy on about porn is that it is somebody different. If the spouse performed the EXACT same sex acts as they do in porn, men would still watch it. What exactly would the point be?


I don't think it is about watching someone different, at least not most of the time. I think it is about watching two (or more) people enjoy the act of sex. 

I will tell you that if my wife would let us film each other I would watch that 100X more times than other porn. I would find it INCREDIBLY HOT and I can watch it and do my thing whenever I want so I don't have to bother my wife all the time with my hormone laden body. Now if she is up for a romp, then I will put down the computer and go play.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

hubby said:


> I don't think it is about watching someone different, at least not most of the time. I think it is about watching two (or more) people enjoy the act of sex.
> 
> I will tell you that if my wife would let us film each other I would watch that 100X more times than other porn. I would find it INCREDIBLY HOT and I can watch it and do my thing whenever I want so I don't have to bother my wife all the time with my hormone laden body. Now if she is up for a romp, then I will put down the computer and go play.


I think you are not the norm though. I think most guys feel as I stated. and THAT is what women have a problem with.


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

Brennan said:


> I think you are not the norm though. I think most guys feel as I stated. and THAT is what women have a problem with.


While I am not the most humble guy and would like to think I am special, I am not so sure in this case.

OK all your porn "addicts", is it the "strange" love of a new and different body in porn that turns you on, or is it the act itself?

I will tell you this, if there is an attractive guy in porn (which unfortunately is rarely the case), I almost find the guy as attractive as the girl... but it is not really their attractiveness as much as it is what is going on, the passion and complete loss of control, that is so intoxicating.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Mrs.G said:


> MarriedWifeInLove said:
> 
> 
> > Do you view PORN as cheating?
> ...


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

DudleyD said:


> I've said this before on other threads but let me reiterate...
> 
> Ladies, have you found your husbands porn? Are you desperate for sex? Is he "choosing porn over you"?
> 
> Why not try looking at his porn to see what he's interested in, maybe it's a type of bra the girls are wearing, maybe it's a certain sex act they are performing... maybe it's just a situation in the movie... you have a window into "what turns your husband on" - why not use it to your advantage?


And I've said it before.

I have, I am using it ALL to my advantage, he's just not accepting what I'm dishing out.

I KNOW what he likes, I KNOW what he's looking at and I'm WILLING and HAVE (action here), done what he wants.

So...


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

hubby said:


> While I am not the most humble guy and would like to think I am special, I am not so sure in this case.
> 
> OK all your porn "addicts", is it the "strange" love of a new and different body in porn that turns you on, or is it the act itself?
> 
> I will tell you this, if there is an attractive guy in porn (which unfortunately is rarely the case), I almost find the guy as attractive as the girl... but it is not really their attractiveness as much as it is what is going on, the passion and complete loss of control, that is so intoxicating.


I can see that it would be intoxicating and I don't have an issue with that.

Why not take that intoxication and use it with your spouse or SO? Why waste that high on nameless, faceless people?


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

reachingshore said:


> I get it :/ I guess it was hard for my husband to just tell me he had a problem performing or didn't feel like it (or something) when he'd been stressed. It's only when I came to TAM, posted my case and then showed him replies, he "opened up". I think it was a kind of a shock therapy for him LOL
> 
> Believe me, prior to that, I was even once told (while he was drunk) that he was not attracted to me anymore. Till date he denies he's ever said it. Luckily I am not a kind of a woman to take it personally. I am probably overly self confident when it comes to my physique  I realize that at the time I was very aggressive in pursuing him, something which I normally wouldn't be as I know it's a turn off for him (there is a difference between "aggressive" and "assertive").


And I've thought of that too (and it's been mentioned once or twice), maybe I'm too aggressive. He likes me to take control and initiate, but maybe it's too much control and he needs to feel like the man and pursuer - no problem - I've already backed off and we'll see how it works.

Funny though, he told me that's what attracted him to me in the first place - that I was a dependent, capable, take charge kind of gal that could take care of myself. 

But, we can change as we age - maybe he still wants some of that but also wants to take charge and take care of "me" - would be nice if that actually was the case, huh?


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

emotionalwreck,

I'm sorry for you.

I'm still here because I want to be - I love this man, have a lot of years invested in this marriage and want it to work.

If I didn't, nothing in this world would keep me in this relationship, I could and would walk.

I could never "play the part" if I didn't have the love and belief that things could change.

I admire you for that, but you've got to feel as though you're wasting your life...


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Why not take that intoxication and use it with your spouse or SO? Why waste that high on nameless, faceless people?


You should not, your husband is wrong in my eyes. If he is turning down wild and adventurous sex with you, but will go to porn instead, that is just not right.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

hubby said:


> You should not, your husband is wrong in my eyes. If he is turning down wild and adventurous sex with you, but will go to porn instead, that is just not right.


And it's what I'm trying to figure out.

What are HIS roadblocks in having a sexual life with me?

What happened exactly that made things gradually wither away (not literally)?

What part is HIS?

What part do I OWN?

It's difficult when I'm the only one trying to figure it out - but I guess, I'm the only one with the problem in my marriage - he appears to be okay - he has the porn!


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

hubby said:


> You should not, your husband is wrong in my eyes. If he is turning down wild and adventurous sex with you, but will go to porn instead, that is just not right.


I agree. But with porn you don't have to connect. You don;'t have to "try" to feel to be emotional, to be physical etc, etc! Most people who would rather look at porn than be with their partner, is because they do not want to connect. They want to detach from their spouse. Maybe its to painful, maybe they do not know how, or simply do not want to connect with their spouse.

Emotional feelings and even physical ones are just to much for some people to handle. Sounds odd I'm sure, but behind a screen with pics or video you have no real interaction, you can "hide", and not deal with anything.


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> And I've thought of that too (and it's been mentioned once or twice), maybe I'm too aggressive. He likes me to take control and initiate, but maybe it's too much control and he needs to feel like the man and pursuer - no problem - I've already backed off and we'll see how it works.
> 
> Funny though, he told me that's what attracted him to me in the first place - that I was a dependent, capable, take charge kind of gal that could take care of myself.
> 
> But, we can change as we age - maybe he still wants some of that but also wants to take charge and take care of "me" - would be nice if that actually was the case, huh?


Actually many men distinguish between women taking charge in daily life and women taking charge in bed. A man attracted to one is not necessarily attracted to the other.


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## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

reachingshore said:


> Actually many men distinguish between women taking charge in daily life and women taking charge in bed. A man attracted to one is not necessarily attracted to the other.


I really don't think that porn is the cause here. Just a symptom. There is something going on, like his ED, and he is too afraid to talk to you, so he turns to porn for that stuff.

I'm with hubby here. I really don't look at porn for the bodies. I really most men don't do that in a healthy relationship. They do it for the act of sex, to start their imagination, to see people enjoy. I do that as well.

The moment men start fantasizing about the women, it's probably because he is not happy with the sex he's getting or with something else in the relationship.


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## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

Brennan said:


> I think you are not the norm though. I think most guys feel as I stated. and THAT is what women have a problem with.


I really don't think that porn is the cause here. Just a symptom. There is something going on, like his ED, and he is too afraid to talk to you, so he turns to porn for that stuff.

I'm with hubby here. I really don't look at porn for the bodies. I really most men don't do that in a healthy relationship. They do it for the act of sex, to start their imagination, to see people enjoy. I do that as well.

The moment men start fantasizing about the women, it's probably because he is not happy with the sex he's getting or with something else in the relationship.


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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

CallaLily said:


> I agree. But with porn you don't have to connect. You don;'t have to "try" to feel to be emotional, to be physical etc, etc! Most people who would rather look at porn than be with their partner, is because they do not want to connect. They want to detach from their spouse. Maybe its to painful, maybe they do not know how, or simply do not want to connect with their spouse.
> 
> Emotional feelings and even physical ones are just to much for some people to handle. Sounds odd I'm sure, but behind a screen with pics or video you have no real interaction, you can "hide", and not deal with anything.


Porn is just easier than all that connection. Connection is hard. People have expectations. People want quality. People complain and whine if you aren't doing things just they way you like them. Connection is pressure. Porn is a pressure valve.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Brennan said:


> What turns a guy on about porn is that it is somebody different. If the spouse performed the EXACT same sex acts as they do in porn, men would still watch it. What exactly would the point be?


That is not what DH says. The difference has little to do with it. It is like mental lubrication for a quick wank 98% of the time. The act is mostly irrelevant.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

And all of your responses is what I'm trying to wrap my brain around.

On an intellectual level, I get it - porn - great - I like it too.

On an emotional level, I'm struggling.

Perhaps the hubby is too and just "can't" discuss it. He is pretty macho, or likes to believe he is.

I think my best bet at this point (for my emotional health and stability) is:

- Let it go. Take off the pressure, act like it doesn't matter, maybe he'll feel more comfortable with coming to me (he did touch on me last night BTW - not sure if he wanted something or was just touching, since his TBI, his touching doesn't mean sex like it used to in the past, very confusing for me and I'm not sure WHAT to do sometimes).
- Have our counselor help more with this. He trusts our counselor implicitly and does open up to him pretty well (in his IC). I have my next appt at the end of this month. Then our joint MC, then he has his IC. I'll ask him to approach the subject in our MC and then touch on it more with him in his IC. I think the counselor might have more success than me - mainly because he does trust him and he's a man.
- Make sure he's knows that he means more more to me than just a sex object. He's starting to feel that way as he has mentioned it on occasion. 

A man - complaining that he's a sex object - if you would have told me I would be encountering this later in life I wouldn't have believed you.

So what do you guys think - the way to go?


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Draguna said:


> I really don't think that porn is the cause here. Just a symptom. There is something going on, like his ED, and he is too afraid to talk to you, so he turns to porn for that stuff.
> 
> I'm with hubby here. I really don't look at porn for the bodies. I really most men don't do that in a healthy relationship. They do it for the act of sex, to start their imagination, to see people enjoy. I do that as well.
> 
> The moment men start fantasizing about the women, it's probably because he is not happy with the sex he's getting or with something else in the relationship.


A man has ED and turns to porn? Well that's going to work out well for him now isn't it. Ignore the spouse and have an inability to perform with her but turn to porn for relief? Yeah, she isn't going to be resentment over that....no sir.


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## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

Brennan said:


> A man has ED and turns to porn? Well that's going to work out well for him now isn't it. Ignore the spouse and have an inability to perform with her but turn to porn for relief? Yeah, she isn't going to be resentment over that....no sir.


So it is a symptom, not the cause of their problems. There is something that is stopping him from talking, and he's escaping to porn to deal with his problems. Taking away porn won't fix it. Someone who uses weed to escape daily life won't stop just because he doesn't have any pot left.

He needs to realize what he is doing is wrong, then fix it. Just the same as anyone who uses something to escape the reality of their problems.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Draguna said:


> So it is a symptom, not the cause of their problems. There is something that is stopping him from talking, and he's escaping to porn to deal with his problems. Taking away porn won't fix it. Someone who uses weed to escape daily life won't stop just because he doesn't have any pot left.
> 
> He needs to realize what he is doing is wrong, then fix it. Just the same as anyone who uses something to escape the reality of their problems.



Hmmm, I don't understand. If he has ED but can get it up for porn, how is that ED? :scratchhead:


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## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

Brennan said:


> Hmmm, I don't understand. If he has ED but can get it up for porn, how is that ED? :scratchhead:


Was talking about MWIL's case. He doesn't "fap" to it. He just watches it. Furthermore, you can make yourself come without a hard penis. As long as your ED lets you get to semi-erect, you can make yourself come.


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## effess (Nov 20, 2009)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Do you view PORN as cheating?
> 
> If you do, what types of porn?
> 
> ...


Personally, I consider porn like live web/sex cams very close to cheating. I do not view that type. I don't do sites like lonely wives, or stuff like f*#kbook neither. That stuff takes on a very personal element that standard porn does not have.

My wife knows of my porn-viewing and does not like it. I do not like it myself, and try to curtail as much as I can (I consider it an addiction that I once cherished and now struggle with for the past 20 years). It used to infuriate her, now she finds it disappointing/annoying these days. We do not view it together, she is not interested from our conversations on the subject.

I do not think our sex life suffers from my porn viewing. I would rather be with her than view porn, even though I have to say one does not relate to other (as it does for some men on these boards). We can have crazy hot sex one night and the very next if I had the chance I'd look at porn if I could.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Brennan said:


> A man has ED and turns to porn? Well that's going to work out well for him now isn't it. Ignore the spouse and have an inability to perform with her but turn to porn for relief? Yeah, she isn't going to be resentment over that....no sir.


While certainly not likely to be reassuring from an emotional standpoint, it certainly makes sense from a logical POV. I know that my own ED often seems less severe during masturbation than during sex. (And, yes...my wife is aware of/fine with my masturbation and use of porn for same.) That's clearly all tied to psychological factors of the ED, as opposed to the physical/medical issues. When with one's partner, a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy can be born of performance anxiety; the man with ED becomes concerned that he won't be able to perform adequately (or at all), leaving his partner dissatisfied. As a result, he is unable to perform adequately (or at all). When indulging himself solo, however, those anxieties aren't present, thus seemingly decreasing the effects of his ED. Most certainly, it's something that can be worked through, and an understanding and patient partner can help him eventually "get out of his head" and back to enjoying activity with that partner.

Understandably, his partner may react emotionally rather than logically: "He can't get an erection for me, but he can for porn...there's something wrong with me." That's not necessarily the case. And, there can be the risk that, since he finds himself able to "respond" to porn more consistently, he may find himself turning to it more and more, at his partner's expense. But, I've said it before and I'll say it again: communication is the key.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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