# It's not you, it's me... or is it?



## obi-wan-kenobi (Aug 7, 2016)

Instead of going on and on from the get go, im just going to put down a list of complaints from my wife of 4 years and i, and just answer the questions about the finer details as they come in.

Her complaints:
I drink too much
I shouldn't smoke cigarettes
i don't spend enough time with her
i dont show her enough affection
I don't listen to her
Doesn't seem like i care about her

My complaints:
Exceptionally Jealous and over-protective
Does not cook
Only cleans when im cleaning with her
Does not like to do anything on her own
Hasn't had a job and isn't going to school (For over a year and a half)
She appears to have no drive/ambition to do anything
Little to no friends so im her only real support system
No real hobbies so when she's at home (which is 95% of the time) she is bored

The fire in our marriage has nearly gone out, our sex life is almost non existent (once or twice a month). We argue and fight all the time and I'm just not sure how to rectify the situation. Maybe we just jumped the gun and got married too soon (We only dated for 6 months). Obviously there are alot of details missing here so feel free to ask me any questions. Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your time.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

...


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## estes (Aug 7, 2016)

Smoking is a dirty, disgusting, unhealthy and very unpleasant habit. 

Do you smoke in the house, and elsewhere in her presence? If so it's very inconsiderate and downright selfish.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

Personal said:


> This isn't the marriage you're looking for. You can go about your business, move along...


Great this post was, Personal-san.


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## obi-wan-kenobi (Aug 7, 2016)

I don't quite understand what you're trying to convey to me, personal. (nevermind, i just realized you were referencing star wars) 

I do not smoke in the house, or usually even around her, mostly while im at work. She used to smoke too, but recently quit (now she vapes) and now it seems i'm obligated to follow suit. I also find it odd that that was the one thing you decided to comment on of all the other things. She knew i was a smoker before we got together.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Ignore her faults, because nothing she does should have bearing on the things you do unless they are directly related. Is she right about her complaints? Be introspective.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

obi-wan-kenobi said:


> Instead of going on and on from the get go, im just going to put down a list of complaints from my wife of 4 years and i, and just answer the questions about the finer details as they come in.
> 
> Her complaints:
> I drink too much
> ...


Did you notice how detailed your list of your complaints was compared to hers?



> The fire in our marriage has nearly gone out, our sex life is almost non existent (once or twice a month). We argue and fight all the time and I'm just not sure how to rectify the situation. Maybe we just jumped the gun and got married too soon (We only dated for 6 months). Obviously there are alot of details missing here so feel free to ask me any questions. Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your time.


1. stop arguing.

2. when you rationalize your need to ignore #1, go back to #1.


You need to change. She needs to change. However, you are the one that is here. You cannot change her. You have to be delicate in how you go about seeking change in her. DELICATE. You should be brutal with how you go about changing yourself. Put bluntly, don't expect much until you are the perfect man.

"Even when she isn't anywhere near the perfect woman?"

Yes.

That is how you start.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

estes said:


> Smoking is a dirty, disgusting, unhealthy and very unpleasant habit.
> 
> Do you smoke in the house, and elsewhere in her presence? If so it's very inconsiderate and downright selfish.


So is not cleaning your home. 

OP...take care of your own faults. And think about it....they aren't all faults just because she says so. Figure out how to improve yourself. If you can encourage her to do something with her life, then great. If she has someone close like a sister, mom, girlfriend.... then see if you can get them on board to help light a fire under her butt. 

I don't get how grown ups think it's ever ok to do nothing at all and be completely dependent on someone else. But you can't MAKE her do anything, you can't MAKE her ambitious. So if nothing else, be a good example by getting your sh*t together. 

Remember why you dated her, date her now. MAYBE she just needs a fresh outlook?


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

obi-wan-kenobi said:


> The fire in our marriage has nearly gone out, our sex life is almost non existent (once or twice a month). We argue and fight all the time and I'm just not sure how to rectify the situation. *Maybe we just jumped the gun and got married too soon (We only dated for 6 months). *Obviously there are alot of details missing here so feel free to ask me any questions. Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your time.


We were just discussing this in another thread. Yes, consider you married too soon. No kids, right? If you made a mistake, take responsibility and do what most people won't: admit the mistake, but a bullet in this relationship, and be more selective next time.

Good luck.


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## estes (Aug 7, 2016)

I don't think you can compare a house in need of cleaning to smoking. 

They are not the same.


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## btterflykisses (Apr 29, 2016)

I think she needs a job. Then she won't have time to find faults with you.


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## obi-wan-kenobi (Aug 7, 2016)

Is she right about her complaints? i dont think so, as far as me not giving her enough of my time/attention is concerned. I've never been in a relationship with someone who seems so dependent on me for... well... everything. If it were up to her we'd spend every waking moment with eachother, and i like to have some time to myself or be able to hangout with my guy friends (not doing anything shady of course). 

I feel like i do encourage her, to go out and make friends, volunteer, get a job, do something productive. Instead she just mopes around the house all day or sleeps. then complains about things even though she isn't actively trying to fix the things she complains about (no friends, boredom, her fitness, etc).

No, we have no children, we both agree that we aren't ready for kids yet (we have 2 dogs and they're enough to handle as it is).


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

obi-wan-kenobi said:


> I don't quite understand what you're trying to convey to me, personal. (nevermind, i just realized you were referencing star wars)


Yes Obi-Wan it was a reference to Star Wars, that said it does apply to you.

The thing is you and your wife as you relate. have different wants and needs and don't seem particularly interested in meeting each others wants and needs.

So while ever you both have little interest in meeting each others wants and needs. You are both in a marriage that you are not looking for. While you both would be better served by going about your (own) business and moving along (separately).


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## estes (Aug 7, 2016)

How bad is the drinking problem? Would you consider yourself to be an alcoholic?

Because untreated alcoholics are difficult to live with. 

You may want to try to look at it her way.


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## obi-wan-kenobi (Aug 7, 2016)

I guess that's all subjective how bad my "drinking problem" is. When i drink it's mostly at home or when we're out at a restaurant or something, i don't get belligerent and start cussing at her or i don't get so bad that im falling through coffee tables or something of that nature. I do drink a pretty good amount i suppose (daily), but most of the time i don't get drunk. It's just something i like to do to unwind.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Quit drinking and smoking, then get back to us.

If she doesn't improve her attitude, then it's her problem.

But either way your life will be better.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

obi-wan-kenobi said:


> . I do drink a pretty good amount i suppose (daily), but most of the time i don't get drunk. It's just something i like to do to unwind.



No it's not really subjective. You have a drinking problem. When you accept that you will be on the path to get help.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

obi-wan-kenobi said:


> I guess that's all subjective how bad my "drinking problem" is. When i drink it's mostly at home or when we're out at a restaurant or something, i don't get belligerent and start cussing at her or i don't get so bad that im falling through coffee tables or something of that nature. I do drink a pretty good amount i suppose (daily), but most of the time i don't get drunk. It's just something i like to do to unwind.


You sound like my brother-in-law. Maybe you are him...?

It's not about getting drunk, it's about self medication. It's not unwinding, it's avoiding. Are you getting really skinny and avoiding meals as well? Long term drinking like that really makes your body waste away.

Simple exercise. Can you not drink for a week? Smoking would be tougher, though your teeth would love it. But try one week no alcohol. Get ****faced the next day, but just try one week and see how you feel and interact with the world.


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## estes (Aug 7, 2016)

I bet most guys who read your story will wish they had the problem of their wives wanting too much of their time.


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## dubsey (Feb 21, 2013)

obi-wan-kenobi said:


> I guess that's all subjective how bad my "drinking problem" is. When i drink it's mostly at home or when we're out at a restaurant or something, i don't get belligerent and start cussing at her or i don't get so bad that im falling through coffee tables or something of that nature. I do drink a pretty good amount i suppose (daily), but most of the time i don't get drunk. It's just something i like to do to unwind.


a drinking problem is when someone, or you yourself, ask you to not do it, and you can't not do it.

actual level of drunkenness is irrelevant.


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## estes (Aug 7, 2016)

If you're drinking a lot on a daily basis and get drunk periodically then you've got a serious problem. 

Now that you're eyes are open are you going to do something about it or just keep drinking and smoking and complaining that your wife wants too much of your time?


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

estes said:


> Now that you're eyes are open are you going to do something about it or just keep drinking and smoking and complaining that your wife wants too much of your time?


So true, finding a way and not an excuse is the best path...


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Do you guys spend most of your time complaining about each other? or do you have an equally detailed list of compliments? What are the things you like about each other?

It tends to be what you spend your time on is what takes over your mindset. If you don't have a long list of things you like about each other, then why are you together? If all you do is complain about each other, it's going to make for a pretty miserable life.


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## flyhigher (Jun 23, 2016)

First of all, how long have you guys been married? Has she always been this way?(lazy, unmotivated, dependent and needy) If not, when did it start? Why isn't she working? Did she get fired? Has she ever worked? Is she looking for work?

To me, it sounds like she could be depressed. Now, that could mean many different things. Sometimes people have depression and it comes in cycles; having dated for only 6 months, it would be nearly impossible for you to know that before you married. Or, it could be that she feels unloved, unappreciated, and unheard; which could cause a woman to go into a depression.. her complaint list about you is probably way more than you're giving thought to. 
It sounds like you have no intention of changing, and just expect her to do all the work. Do you love her? Do you enjoy spending time with her? Can you picture your life together?

Did she have friends before you met her? If so, why did she stop seeing them? Maybe she thought that's what you wanted? If she didn't have friends before, maybe you should have seen that red flag before you were married.

Why did you marry so quickly?

Does she drink with you? I know many couples that drink to unwind as you do, and it's not a problem. It usually becomes a problem when one partner doesn't drink; which I'm assuming is your case. Maybe you do act differently when drinking, and you just don't notice it?

I think if you actually DO want to save your marriage, which I'm not sure you do, you have to look at your own behaviours. How are you contributing? How are you making her feel loved and safe and heard and connected to you? And if you think you've got all those things covered, have an honest and open conversation about those things with her.

Have you actually talked about the things you mentioned WITH her? Not arguing, but discussing?


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## obi-wan-kenobi (Aug 7, 2016)

I eat regularly and am at a healthy weight for my height. I have done this exercise of not drinking for a week before, just to prove to myself that i could do it. Recently im only drinking on the weekends. (for example i didn't even drink sunday, which i usually do). Not smoking is actually alot easier for me, unless you consider vaping smoking (in the last 6 months i probably smoke on average 1-2 cigarettes a day). which is what i have been doing alot more than smoking cigarettes the last few years. I just had one cigarette the other day as i was out doing some work in the garage and she made a big deal out of it "why don't you just take the shotgun and blow your head off instead", she said, in front of my coworker who was helping me out.

I can go without drinking, i'm not physically dependent on it, i simply choose not to.

Everything is always fine when we're doing stuff together, for example, we could spend all day together. wake up, go eat breakfast, go to a movie, have lunch, then spend like 4 hours playing pokemon go, then when we get home at like 9 oclock at night she'll get all upset when i want to play a video game or something.

we've been married for almost 4 years, no she wasn't this lazy. Once she got out of the military though almost 2 years ago, she hasn't really done anything worthy of note. She had a few friends before we met, but they've become distant with her and she doesn't talk to them much. We married quickly because the military wanted her to do something that she didn't want to, and i wanted to fix her problem because i saw how much she didn't want to do it, so after talking about it with her we decided the only way for her to get out of it was to get married, so i told her i would marry her. She does drink, but not very often. and yes, we have talked about all these things, we've been to marriage counseling before as well.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

Interesting to read the complaints.

Of equal interest, and which will tell more about the relationship, is how the other person responds.



obi-wan-kenobi said:


> Her complaints:
> I drink too much


Do you? If not, your behavior is not her business. She can decide she doesn't want to live with a drinker, but changing you is not within her power.



obi-wan-kenobi said:


> I shouldn't smoke cigarettes


Well, you shouldn't, but again, it's not her business...unless you took this up after getting married, in which case it looks to her like a bit of bait and switch....ditto the drinking. 



obi-wan-kenobi said:


> i don't spend enough time with her
> i dont show her enough affection
> I don't listen to her
> Doesn't seem like i care about her


And how do you respond? If you don't want to spend more time with her, show her affection or listen, why did you get married? To ignore her?

How do you respond to these complaints?



obi-wan-kenobi said:


> My complaints:
> Exceptionally Jealous and over-protective


Not really your business...how she feels and behaves is her choice. These sound like characteristics you would have seen prior to the marriage, so you already chose to marry a person with them. How does she respond, anyway?



obi-wan-kenobi said:


> Does not cook
> Only cleans when im cleaning with her


Did you have a formal agreement that those were her responsibilities? Do you have a chore-sharing agreement?

I'm amazed that folks argue about these two things. It is entirely possible to cook and clean in very little time if you decide you don't want it to be involved. Ergo, while I've never been with a woman who was a particularly good housekeeper, it doesn't matter to me, because I'm good and fast at it. Two hours and this house is clean from end to end.



obi-wan-kenobi said:


> Does not like to do anything on her own


Technically speaking, this is her business, not yours, but it's not a particularly normal/healthy behavior.



obi-wan-kenobi said:


> Hasn't had a job and isn't going to school (For over a year and a half)


Did you two have an agreement about this? If not, then I don't understand why this is your business.



obi-wan-kenobi said:


> She appears to have no drive/ambition to do anything


She's in a sucky marriage, that can depress anybody.



obi-wan-kenobi said:


> Little to no friends so im her only real support system


Tricky...while technically none of your business, it is not considered a healthy behavior. I'm hardly one to talk - I'm introverted enough that I have an inadequate number of friends and no real support system. I could use some tips on fixing this....



obi-wan-kenobi said:


> No real hobbies so when she's at home (which is 95% of the time) she is bored


What did she do before meeting you? Can you make it easy for her to do those things? Maybe all she needs is a reminder that she was a gleeful and happy person before you were in her life, and she'll re-engage in those things?



obi-wan-kenobi said:


> The fire in our marriage has nearly gone out, our sex life is almost non existent (once or twice a month).


When there was fire, what was it like? How did you communicate with her? If you resume communicating like that, do you think it will help?

You cannot change her, but you can evaluate your role in what has changed in the relationship. Particularly since you indicate you are her only support system, a great deal of her behavior is a reflection of how she interprets you....you can't change her, but you can change your behavior, and you should see a change in her response as a result.

[/QUOTE]

No solutions, I just wrote what came to my aging feeble mind.

BTW, in my now 40 years of having relationships with women, "It's not you, it's me" is a way to present a message in a way that says "this is the way it is and I will not listen to arguments". For example "We're not working out, it's not you, it's me." Done.


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## estes (Aug 7, 2016)

obi-wan-kenobi said:


> I can go without drinking, i'm not physically dependent on it, i simply choose not to.


You don't know that. You can't know that unless you completely stop for at least 30 days.

Why not try it?


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## sissylo (Jun 22, 2016)

Hello, this is OP's W. I asked him to come to this site to make his own post to see what responses he would get compared to mine. I have taken the advice I have received and I am working on my faults; however we had a conversation tonight about this post and why he did not mention his video gaming. Well, I didn't really get much of a straight answer, but it seems to me he's willing to work with me. 

Thanks to someone here that posted, I came up with a challenge for us to do. Starting on August 14 for one solid week, before I start school my H will not play a single video game, will not drink and will not smoke, in return I will clean the house every day. We went over these negotiations a few times before I actually took it to paper and had us both sign. If he fails, we'll know he has a problem with video games or drinking. I offered up other things for me to do while he's at work, but the only thing he wanted me to do is clean the house. We've read each other's posts and we have seen what everyone has said. I'm really trying my best to make our relationship the best it can be. If anyone is curious to see my side of the story, feel free to stalk my other posts.

With our time that we've freed up, I'm going to need some suggestions on things to do. First thing for sure is a date night, we haven't been on a real date in several months, if not a year or more. It's been a long time since we've actually spent time together without his video games getting in the way, I honestly forget what it's like to live with a man who doesn't play video games. 

I am open to ANY suggestions for things to do during the week, but I'd really like him to take the lead.


-As for why my H hasn't responded, I don't know. I asked him if he was going to respond, but he had a friend waiting on him in a video game..


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

It's important to realise that everything that is going on in your marriage is simply a SYMPTOM of poor communication in your marriage.
You may also both seem to be acting quite childishly - self centred if you will - an entirely normal self protection reaction.
I think that you both need to agree to counselling. Personal and then Couples.
Find out your own flaws and weaknesses and work on them first. Understand your limitations as a person. Don't ***** about her, just work on yourself.
Then in couples counselling, ONLY discuss why you can't communicate and meet each other's deepest needs.
Get to work.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

sissylo said:


> Hello, this is OP's W. I asked him to come to this site to make his own post to see what responses he would get compared to mine. I have taken the advice I have received and I am working on my faults; however we had a conversation tonight about this post and why he did not mention his video gaming. Well, I didn't really get much of a straight answer, but it seems to me he's willing to work with me.
> 
> Thanks to someone here that posted, I came up with a challenge for us to do. Starting on August 14 for one solid week, before I start school my H will not play a single video game, will not drink and will not smoke, in return I will clean the house every day. We went over these negotiations a few times before I actually took it to paper and had us both sign. If he fails, we'll know he has a problem with video games or drinking. I offered up other things for me to do while he's at work, but the only thing he wanted me to do is clean the house. We've read each other's posts and we have seen what everyone has said. I'm really trying my best to make our relationship the best it can be. If anyone is curious to see my side of the story, feel free to stalk my other posts.
> 
> ...


I will repeat. Don't fix the symptoms (smoking, gaming, drinking, lack of cooking, lack of sex), FIX the cause - a lack of deep communication and understanding. The symptoms will fix themselves as you begin to understand and care for each other again.

it will be contra-productive to work on the symptoms.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

Already know you that which you need. Use your feelings, Obi-Wan...


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## sissylo (Jun 22, 2016)

I believe the video games and lack of a clear mind most of the time is what causes our lack of communication. I try talking with him, he will put his headphones back on while I'm mid sentence, he's too distracted from the real world when he's immersed in his games. 

Lately, with him not drinking as much as he was, our communication has improved some, but not enough. If you notice above, he said when we spend time together things are great, though when we are out towards the end of our day, he's usually complaining about wanting to go home to play video games, to the point where we'll start fighting over it. That's when I start feeling hopeless and don't know what to do. We'll get home and I'll want to chat about our day and I try to get as much out as I can before he starts a Skype call. I don't get the time to speak. I'm very open with him and I try my hardest to tell him everything that's on my mind, I tell him what I want, but again, the video games get in the way and anytime we go anywhere, I drive nearly 90% of the time because he's usually had a drink already. Those times that I'm driving, we aren't talking, he's ignoring me and texting someone or scrolling through his phone or looking at the pro teams that play his favorite game, it's a never ending struggle trying to communicate with him. 

What I'm hoping for with this challenge is to be able to open the door for communication. If he can't handle it, then I'm at a loss for what else to do.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

@obi-wan-kenobi if you are unwilling to give your wife what she wants, and your wife is unwilling to give you what you want what do you have?


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

No, gaming is a symptom, so is texting. 

You say "I keep telling him" when you need to be ASKING him what deep needs of his arent being met in the relationship. 
He also might not know yet, hence why i said PC first.


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## sissylo (Jun 22, 2016)

How do I figure out what questions I should be asking? Do I disable the internet in order to get his attention, because I know that will just result in an argument. I've tried being the one that shuts up and listens, but we don't get much of anything done, he doesn't like to talk. He's been gaming for years, though I didn't understand exactly how bad it was until after we were married, he's been gaming since he was 4, so maybe there is something from his childhood that would cause him to want to escape from the world? I would like to nip the cause in the bud, but getting him to sit down and talk is nearly impossible. The times we do talk, he won't look me in the eyes and tends to go off topic, either avoiding the conversation or he's just bored with it. 

I want to communicate better, I just don't know what else to do.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Sounds like the gaming is an escape from a bad marriage.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Marriage counselling. Go with the aim of getting him to talk. 
And whilst i wouldnt have recommended this before. You might need to say the marriage is heading to a place where it might end inless you both do something to get him to go to counsellig.


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## sissylo (Jun 22, 2016)

Thanks, Poida. I'll look into getting a marriage counselor set up for us.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

And if you both dont mech with the counsellor, dont be aftaid to get a new one


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## estes (Aug 7, 2016)

sissylo said:


> we had a conversation tonight about this post and why he did not mention his video gaming. Well, I didn't really get much of a straight answer


He lied by deception, and he continues to deflect. This is a big problem, and cannot simply be swept under the rug. 



sissylo said:


> Thanks to someone here that posted, I came up with a challenge for us to do. Starting on August 14 for one solid week, before I start school my H will not play a single video game, will not drink and will not smoke


It was my idea and you're welcome but a week is nothing. In order to determine if he does have a drinking problem he needs to abstain for a month. As for smoking, a 1 week break will do nothing but increase his irritability and to what end? As soon as the 8th day arrives he'll be right back at it again. What have you gained?



sissylo said:


> in return I will clean the house every day.


Wow that's so generous of you. Why not clean it anyway?



sissylo said:


> If he fails, we'll know he has a problem with video games or drinking.


And if you fail, or if you go right back to being a slob after one week what does that mean?


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## TriHouse (Aug 9, 2016)

Aw man, I bet a lot of your complaints about her are driven by her complaints about you and so forth. 

When my husband appreciates me and gives me affection, I have so much energy, I make sure the house is clean and dinner is on the table. Not because I feel obligated, but because I feel driven to serve him when I know he will appreciate it. 

You likely wish she had friends, a support system, and hobbies, because you do not like listening to her. I get it, women discussing emotions can feel very unproductive for a man because there isn't exactly something to show for it when you're through, but working out our emotions with someone is a huge part of how women function. 

Anxiety like jealousies and being over protective are often a sign of insecurities. If you're not reassuring her often enough, she will feel like you don't care about her, and she will behave with jealousy and over protectiveness. 

Women often complain about drinking and smoking if she is concerned for your long term health, or if your habits interfere with her ability to get close to you, or feel protected by you. If you're spending all your money on the habit and she can't pay the electric bill, she'll resent your habit. If you leave the room while she's trying to tell you about her day, but you don't notice because it's cigarette time and that's all you thought about, she's going to resent your habit. If you act like a fool when you drink and she doesn't feel like you're making smart man decisions, she's going to resent your habit. 

So those are some ideas. Obviously, when she complains about you, you are more inclined to wish she had more to do, but if you ask which came first, I'd say your complaints are more reactive and her's are things you should actually consider to stop the vicious cycle.


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## sissylo (Jun 22, 2016)

TriHouse said:


> Aw man, I bet a lot of your complaints about her are driven by her complaints about you and so forth.
> 
> When my husband appreciates me and gives me affection, I have so much energy, I make sure the house is clean and dinner is on the table. Not because I feel obligated, but because I feel driven to serve him when I know he will appreciate it.
> 
> ...



I love your response. You're right, anytime I receive some positive feedback on something I've done, or how I look or anything; my whole day becomes sunny and blue skies! I tend to feed off of any positive feedback I get from him. I'm working on that though, I know his positive feedback isn't what I should rely on to get me through the day, I've started my journey to self love and part of that is not relying on someone else's feedback to determine how my mood will be for the day. 

We actually had a conversation last night about this, I begged him to turn off his filter and really talk to me. He said he's scared, he's scared of change and he wonders if this is what marriage is really supposed to be. Of course, I was a little hurt, but instead of crying, I explained to him that just like in my book says, marriage isn't all crystals and rainbows. We've had our ups and right now we're in a slump, we just have to figure out how to find some boots and wade our way out of this muck. As we grow older we change and things won't always work like they used to. 

A reason for my jealousies and insecurities.. I was cheated on the past, multiple times from one guy and was left by the next for another woman. After these I felt horrible, I hated myself and I didn't feel good enough. My H came into the picture after all of this and he knew what to say to brighten my day, he knew how to hug me and let me know that I am worth more than what those previous relationships made me feel. The jealousy started when I found out he was playing video games with another girl, that relationship progressed to her sending pictures to him and them spending long nights chatting on skype, he couldn't talk to me about our relationship then, but he could talk to that other girl about it. I told him I couldn't just sit back and watch this unfold, I had to do something about it. I told him, this is where I messed up in my previous relationships, I didn't care if there was another woman in the picture because I knew in my heart I wouldn't be hurt. I was wrong then and I didn't want to let his friendship with this girl become that thing that tore me down. So, he smashed his laptop. Later on, he began working at a new place in the military, his job had this thing called "work spouses" or whatever. A girl that worked with him picked him to be her work husband, next thing you know, they're getting each other breakfast in the morning and he's going over to her dorm to help her move things. She eventually received orders and was leaving to another base when she and her bff decided to get tattoos. (I had been trying to think of something that my H would like to get tattooed for probably a year and a half, nothing I thought of he would even consider, so I gave up.) Before going to the tattoo shop they decided to go out and eat, my H invited me. I walk in the restaurant to see my H sitting next to his work wife, sharing food and drinking out of the same glass. The same glass didn't bother me, what bothered me is that he was drinking out of her straw. He makes such a big deal about not drinking out of a straw because it isn't manly, when I let him try my drink anywhere we go, he'll pull the straw out and put it on the table. He didn't do that with her. I know it's the stupidest, smallest thing, but it still got to me. Next thing you know, she invites him to go with her and her bff to the tattoo shop and he invites me ( I had been wanting another for a while), so I go with him and I'm sitting in the chairs by the front while they're telling the artists what they want. My H is standing next to his work wife and her artist starts to tattoo her, she's moaning in pain and asks him to hold her hand. I'm still in the chair, but the entire time he's holding her hand, he's looking down at her with this look of... I don't even know what to call it. I was convinced he was sleeping with her, that's what his face looked like. I'm still in the chair at the front and I can see everything that's going on. His work wife is recently married to another guy that is at another base, there are other guys with us that could hold her hand, yet my H, who asked me to go, is doing this in front of me. I wanted to crawl into my shell and die. Next thing you know, she convinced him to get a tattoo within a matter of minutes. I was so mad. He sat down in the chair and instead of letting her sit next to him, I move a chair in front of his chair to hold his hands. She just stands behind him the whole time. I'm so angry at this moment, but I want to be there with him while he's getting his first tattoo. This whole thing absolutely broke my heart, later on after she'd left I looked at his phone, I found blocks of missing texts to her in between other conversations, I confronted him about it and he said it was nothing, he just said "I miss you"... Still can't tell me why that was enough for it to be deleted. I eventually got sick of him hiding things from me between him and her, so I made him block her phone number. I don't know if he's still talking to her, I hope not, but who knows. Last time I asked he got all defensive and said that it had been 5 months... We've only lived here for 9 months, then he changed his story and said that it was the last time that he saw her, that was two years ago. Who knows, either way, we live far far from where she does. I just hope we never see her again. 

Anyways... I didn't expect that to be so long... 

I resent his drinking and smoking because I can see the physical impact it's making on him, I've taken pictures and shown him what he looks like, but he doesn't see it. He complains to me how his lack of sleep is what makes him so down and grumpy throughout the day and I've suggested that he go without drinking to see how it impacts his sleep. He won't do it, his health isn't worth him to stop drinking. My grandfather recently passed away and that gave me a big eye opening to how I treat my body and how my H treats his. I want us to live long happy lives, not struggle fighting cancer when we can avoid it as much as possible. 

He tells me all the time that I'm so negative, that I need to be more positive and focus on life in a good way rather then bad. So here I am, trying to be positive and he thinks that any change won't improve anything, he thinks our marriage improving is inevitable. If there's anything I believe in, it's that we can save our marriage, we can have the best marriage in the world if we just try. I know and believe that, because at one point in time we did. He says when we spend time together there is nothing wrong at all, I feel like if that's when he feels happy, then we need to do that more often. We rarely go out together, when we do it's with other people. I want quality time with him, but I feel like he doesn't know what quality time is. 


Holy long response, I apologize for that, but appreciate anyone willing to take the time and read that.


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## sissylo (Jun 22, 2016)

estes said:


> He lied by deception, and he continues to deflect. This is a big problem, and cannot simply be swept under the rug.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


My goals with a one week stop to the things I complain about is to see mostly how we are together, without video games or alcohol getting in the way. I have to start small, he won't give it up for longer than a week as of right now, so if a week is what I can get, I'll take it. If that week shows him that we can spend time together and be happy, then it will all be worth it, it will show him that a change can and will improve our marriage, maybe then it will be worth it to him to make a permanent change. 

I do clean the house, the problem is he doesn't notice. I'm more of a get the dust off the top of the microwave before scrubbing the counters kind of cleaner, he doesn't care about the dust, he just wants it to look nice from an outsiders perspective. Yesterday I mopped the floors, today I did the dishes. I love how everyone assumes that we're hoarders and there are dead kittens under our couches.

I'm a slob in the sense of, if he refuses to do what he agreed to do when we moved in this house, then why should I do what I agreed to do? Though having a clean house really improves my outlook on life and makes me happy, I'm sure it does him too. He'd rather play a video game than do the dishes though. That's the thing as well, when we moved in here, we agreed he would do dishes and take out the trash and I would take care of everything else, he hasn't held up to his side of the bargain here.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

He has been COMPLETELY out of line with those other women! You need a solid, non negotiable boundary on this! A married man has NO BUSINESS having these kinds of "friendships" with other women. (that works both ways, married women shouldn't do this either!) Do not tolerate this, if he wants a lady friend, he will do it without a wife any more. 

Smoking and drinking affect everyone around you. I feel you are justified, to a point. If he consistently drinks too much and that has a negative impact due to his behavior, then it needs to stop. Smoking on the other hand...yes it is disgusting and a total health risk, but he has to want to quit to make it happen. If he insists on continuing, then he should make sure he is always outside the home to smoke, and doesn't do so in the car when you are with him. Common courtesy, in other words. 

Honestly, between the other women and the constant gaming, he is lucky you are still there.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Since we have both of you here- can I ask the opposite of the OP statements?

Please list the reasons you fell in love and decided to marry each other.


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## sissylo (Jun 22, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> He has been COMPLETELY out of line with those other women! You need a solid, non negotiable boundary on this! A married man has NO BUSINESS having these kinds of "friendships" with other women. (that works both ways, married women shouldn't do this either!) Do not tolerate this, if he wants a lady friend, he will do it without a wife any more.
> 
> Smoking and drinking affect everyone around you. I feel you are justified, to a point. If he consistently drinks too much and that has a negative impact due to his behavior, then it needs to stop. Smoking on the other hand...yes it is disgusting and a total health risk, but he has to want to quit to make it happen. If he insists on continuing, then he should make sure he is always outside the home to smoke, and doesn't do so in the car when you are with him. Common courtesy, in other words.
> 
> Honestly, between the other women and the constant gaming, he is lucky you are still there.


I should really clarify on my post about his work wife, I really don't think he was cheating on me with her, although I still sometimes question it.. He told me he didn't and never would and I believe him. I haven't seen any evidence leading me to believe he cheated on me besides the way he looked at her. I know they were just friends, but that look he gave her was the same look he used to give me. Since her he hasn't had another female friend that he's done things like that for. As far as I know. He's typically a homebody tho and if he had some other girl in his life I'm sure he'd tell me or I'd find out.

Things have been much better since he hasn't had a lady friend, but then comes the gaming, he still watches the cam girls on twitch and closes the screen as fast as he can when I walk into the room. I just want him to put me before his video game. The drinking I would like him to stop simply for his health, but if he really can't stop that, then I'll deal with it. I'd rather deal with his drinking than being ignored so he can play video games. 

Being ignored for a video game is the one thing that I can't stand. I want to help him, I've even tried playing with him. He just takes it to a level that I cannot reach unless I devote my every hour to the game, I can't do that. I value my time in real life, because for me, there is no after life. I don't believe in heaven or hell and I know that once I'm dead, I'm dead and gone. What I do with my time is important to me, but I would like to know that I have a man willing to devote his time to me as well. I'm not asking for every waking moment. I'm asking for an every day hug, kiss, "I love you" and chit chat, I'm asking for the usual stuff that a married couple has.

My parents had me when they were 16 and they're still together, I've always seen marriage as a one time thing and I'll fight tooth and nail to save it. I know that my parents' relationship is one that is rare, one that is very hard to achieve... I am trying to get our relationship to that point. That point that no matter what happens we'll be there for each other and we'll be able to make it through any kind of hardship that comes our way. 

I'm just not ready to give up yet, I still love him with all my heart. He knows this, I show him and tell him every day. I just wish he would learn to communicate his feelings towards me.

Edit: I'm still very young, which is why I still feel this relationship can be saved. He's 25, I'm about to be 24.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

sissylo said:


> I should really clarify on my post about his work wife, I really don't think he was cheating on me with her, although I still sometimes question it.. He told me he didn't and never would and I believe him. I haven't seen any evidence leading me to believe he cheated on me besides the way he looked at her. I know they were just friends, but that look he gave her was the same look he used to give me. Since her he hasn't had another female friend that he's done things like that for.


What you described between them is an emotional affair. Even if they never kissed or had sex, it was still cheating. He was investing his time and emotions into her, putting her before you in many ways. So don't kid yourself here.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Video games, especially online multiplayer ones are addictions. There is always a carrot and the desire to be the best in this fictional world is very common. Really, guys (and even gals) who are addicted to these really only find another person so that they can have a sexual release. I used to play a fair share of online games, and hell, one may have lead to the end of my marriage.

I am sure there is some sort of depression/addiction cyclicalness to what he is experiencing. Really, the only way out is to just quit. Maybe not all video games. Ones with endings or one player games are much easier to remove yourself from. Ones where you are competing and interacting with other people is the problem.

I mentioned in another thread, but multiplayer games are unnatural in a relationship. All of the sudden, all these other people are in my house, influencing my SO and taking up his time. A single player game is more like a hobby or a board game. But multiplayer puts other people where you should be.


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## sissylo (Jun 22, 2016)

Herschel said:


> Video games, especially online multiplayer ones are addictions. There is always a carrot and the desire to be the best in this fictional world is very common. Really, guys (and even gals) who are addicted to these really only find another person so that they can have a sexual release. I used to play a fair share of online games, and hell, one may have lead to the end of my marriage.
> 
> I am sure there is some sort of depression/addiction cyclicalness to what he is experiencing. Really, the only way out is to just quit. Maybe not all video games. Ones with endings or one player games are much easier to remove yourself from. Ones where you are competing and interacting with other people is the problem.
> 
> I mentioned in another thread, but multiplayer games are unnatural in a relationship. All of the sudden, all these other people are in my house, influencing my SO and taking up his time. A single player game is more like a hobby or a board game. But multiplayer puts other people where you should be.



Do you still play games? Is there an easier way out than just quitting? There is a multiplayer game that my H and I will occasionally play together, he actually quit his other games and played solely with me on this one game. Our relationship at that time was at an all time high, we were both enjoying playing and we were both getting better, together, at the same game. We were happier together and our marriage couldn't have been better, he even says this. He eventually got bored of that game after about 6 months and went back to the initial game that tears him away from me on a daily basis. He continues to this day playing that game. 

He has agreed with me on trying a full week without video games, alcohol or smoking. What I'm hoping for him to realize is that he can still enjoy life without these things, we can spend time together and our relationship will improve. (Or so I'm hoping) It's worked in the past, anytime we've been away from home and didn't take the laptop, we were happy, we enjoyed our time together. I just want him to realize the difference, of how we are together when there are no games impeding our time spent together. He thinks changing won't improve things, like he said earlier in this post, if he gives me a minute, I'll want a whole day(he says). He thinks I have no respect for him wanting alone time. I can give him alone time and I have before, he just doesn't realize it. Or something like that... I honestly don't know. His time is precious to him, I believe it's because of his gaming... Any time we spend a few hours together, he gets several hours in return of time spent gaming when I'm not begging him for attention, that is what I consider his alone time, since he doesn't really do anything that is for himself besides his gaming. (Technically it's not even alone time, because he's spending that time talking and playing with other people.)

Idk, I just wish there was an easier way to go about things.


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## sissylo (Jun 22, 2016)

Spicy said:


> Since we have both of you here- can I ask the opposite of the OP statements?
> 
> Please list the reasons you fell in love and decided to marry each other.


I apologize, Spicy. I just now saw your response. Here is our responses. My hubs speaks while I type, because he's in a video game and won't log on to type himself.

Obi-wan says:
I had always wanted a girl that was willing to give her heart and soul to her man.
I had seen some of them before, but they were never with me, they were always with someone else. 
I thought that I had found just that kind of girl, so I took it and ran with it. In a nutshell.

My response: 
The reason I fell in love with my H was because he was perfect for me, he accepted my flaws and treated me right. He made me feel appreciated, loved and like he truly cared for me. He never put me down or made me feel like I wasn't worthy of his love. In return I wanted to give him the whole world, I wanted to love him as he loved me, care for him as he cared for me and I wanted to continue to feel like I was the star in his life. Honestly, he was the first man to really make me feel like I mattered in the world. He would send me text messages in the morning (sometimes even phone calls) just to say "Good morning, beautiful! I hope you slept well." I wanted that man for the rest of my life.

Edit: You can really see the difference between his responses and mine of how much more emotional women are then men. Just thought it was funny to see in text. lol


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Thank you for the reply. I agree, we are much more emotional as women. I think both of your reasons are good. IMO It is really imperative in a marriage to be self sacrificing for your mate. If everyone worked hard to keep their spouses happy, there would be so much less divorce. 

We hear so much, even on this forum about doing whatever it takes to make yourself happy. And I do believe that much of that comes from within, but much of it comes from daily life also. It's not that I am saying you shouldn't be happy, or own your own happiness...I am simply saying, if he works hard to make you happy, and you work hard to make him happy, everyone benefits.

In your situation some things need major adjusting, and you both need to focus on those things so your marriage has a better chance of surviving.

I wish you the absolute best. 



sissylo said:


> I apologize, Spicy. I just now saw your response. Here is our responses. My hubs speaks while I type, because he's in a video game and won't log on to type himself.
> 
> Obi-wan says:
> I had always wanted a girl that was willing to give her heart and soul to her man.
> ...


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## sissylo (Jun 22, 2016)

Spicy said:


> Thank you for the reply. I agree, we are much more emotional as women. I think both of your reasons are good. IMO It is really imperative in a marriage to be self sacrificing for your mate. If everyone worked hard to keep their spouses happy, there would be so much less divorce.
> 
> We hear so much, even on this forum about doing whatever it takes to make yourself happy. And I do believe that much of that comes from within, but much of it comes from daily life also. It's not that I am saying you shouldn't be happy, or own your own happiness...I am simply saying, if he works hard to make you happy, and you work hard to make him happy, everyone benefits.
> 
> ...



You say some things need major adjusting, do you think you could elaborate more on those things? 

I feel like I've got a pretty good idea of what we need to do to repair our relationship, the problem is, any advice coming from me is just nagging that he doesn't like to listen to. I've really tried to work on how I speak to him, he feels a lot of the time like we're arguing, when from my point of view I feel like we're having a meaningful and deep conversation. I don't know how to talk to him without him feeling like I'm nagging. I do my best to avoid saying negative things and trying to offer up positive reinforcement, but he receives it as nagging or b*tching.. I try to keep my tone of voice at a positive tone and I feel like I do a good job, but then he takes it a different way. I guess I need some sort of, idk speech training?


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

sissylo said:


> You say some things need major adjusting, do you think you could elaborate more on those things?
> 
> I feel like I've got a pretty good idea of what we need to do to repair our relationship, the problem is, any advice coming from me is just nagging that he doesn't like to listen to. I've really tried to work on how I speak to him, he feels a lot of the time like we're arguing, when from my point of view I feel like we're having a meaningful and deep conversation. I don't know how to talk to him without him feeling like I'm nagging. I do my best to avoid saying negative things and trying to offer up positive reinforcement, but he receives it as nagging or b*tching.. I try to keep my tone of voice at a positive tone and I feel like I do a good job, but then he takes it a different way. I guess I need some sort of, idk speech training?


The answer to this is back in your initial post. You both sincerely work on the things that the other spouse listed. Acknowledge with praise the improvements when they are made. Make love more often. Agree to discuss every two weeks your progress in these areas. Love and cherish each other.


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## sissylo (Jun 22, 2016)

I started school today, had a class at 11am that was cancelled. Next class starts at 7pm. Figured I'd come home and write an update because of what happened last night. 

H doesn't log on here anymore, it's not worth his precious time I guess. 
So our planned week of no video games, alcohol or smoking failed. We didn't even really get to try. The weekend prior to our challenge he kept holding it over my head, "oh well we're gonna have all next week together so what does it matter if we spend time together today or not". That was probably Saturday. I got upset and in a frenzy decided to rip up our challenge because I got sick of him saying that ^... So we didn't even get to try.
So instead, last week (the week our challenge was supposed to happen) I asked him multiple times throughout the week if he would spend his weekend with me since it will be my last free weekend until the semester is over. He said yes over and over. 

The time came, (Friday night) and he is texting me while he's at work asking me to go to a poker night that his coworker is hosting I don't want to go, but I end up going because he said without me they wouldn't be able to play. So we go, I win. (Cause I'm good at poker, gotta brag a little... lol) It was a good night, but I still wanted quality time with him alone. So, we left his coworkers house around 6am and went home. We made plans to drive to an area a little far out to go riding dirt bikes, but those were cancelled because we had been up all night playing poker and he ended up drunk, hangover + dirt bikes = disaster. So we ended up not going. Next thing you know, I wake up around 1pm (Saturday now), he's been up since 9 playing video games. I ask him what we should do for the day since we obviously weren't going to ride. Well, his other coworker who just got here doesn't have a car and now needs a ride around town to get some things........ So, not wanting to be home alone all week like I usually am I decide to go with them... Of course, H is still hungover and since I'm going, I end up driving. We end up driving his friend all around town so he can get what he needs, getting dinner with said friend and then end up going home. At this point I'm really upset, my last free weekend is almost over and I've been spending it all with other people and not who I really want to spend my weekend with. (Most of my classes are night classes, which means with my H's work hours (7-5), I won't be seeing him much anymore during the week) So, Saturday night I end up watching TV and he's playing games. We go to bed, there goes Saturday.... Sunday morning, again I sleep in late and I wake up to him playing video games. I let him have his way until I get fed up and decide I want to do something with him, I'm like "hey let's do something, or watch tv together"... My brother and him like to play the same video game and there's a pro match coming on soon, so of course, I get thrown on the back burner again.. So, I get pissed off and go sit down to watch TV. Mid episode I decide that this is total and complete BS and go unplug the internet. Well, that didn't sit too well with him. We sat down and I talked to him, I'm sure it all went in one ear and out the other because it was more me talking and him just "mhm" at everything I say... I asked him questions with only answers of "I don't know" or "I don't care"... He never has an answer to anything. I finally convinced him to watch TV with me, a show that we both enjoy and we finished the season, we watched a total of probably about 8-9 episodes.. (20 mins each) So, he goes to his computer and I do the same, on my computer. I uninstalled that stupid game that he plays all the time while we were talking earlier and reinstalling it probably takes an hour. So we played a game we both enjoy together and then scroll through FB for the rest of the night... During our conversation earlier I asked him if he would go live with his friend for a while, a married couple with a kid. I want him to see how other marriages are, how men put their wives before anything else they do. I told him he could take his computer and he said no. He said that I should leave. I have no friends here, no family. I'm in a new place and starting school and he tells me to go stay with his friends... I hardly even know these people, yet he works with them. He refuses to leave the house and I have nowhere to go. Can't afford a hotel or temporary apartment, so I'm stuck here. Also, before Saturday it had probably been a whole month since we last had sex. I have always been the one to initiate things and try to get the blood flowing so we can do the deed. Well, I got sick of waiting and made him promise me that we'd get it on Friday night, this was before the poker game got in the way. This may be a little TMI, but maybe I can get some decent advice here. So, when we got home, as he promised previously, he wanted to have sex, so we did. Afterwards I just laid on my side of the bed, no contact from him, no foreplay prior and just thought about how I felt like a plastic sex doll... There was no kissing, no communication, just thrust, boom, done. Well, that was f'in awesome. <-(MAJOR SARCASM FONT) I felt like a garden tool... Sex between us had never been like that before, I had almost always been into it.. Maybe it's just because he was drunk and smelled of alcohol... Really attractive.. (sarcasm) The next day, laying in bed I asked if he felt like he knew my body, if he knew what turns me on. He can't list a single thing. I know exactly what turns him on and how to do it, but when it comes to me, all that matters is if he gets to finish. I've probably only ever had an O with him twice... Sex sucks.


Sunday night before school-
I'm laying in bed and I ask him why I always come after everything else, I am not a priority to him and it really upsets me, because to me he's on the upper list of my priorities. It's just not fair. He knows what I want, I want him to take care of himself and better himself as a person, I have seen family members suffer because of drinking and smoking, cancer recently took one of them, but me wanting him to quit these habits, he sees as controlling. He told me he calls me mom. I want the world for him and I want him to give me his time and love. I want to feel cared for again. Then he starts, "you aren't doing anything for yourself, you have no responsibilities, you don't do anything..." (So I guess being enrolled in school and starting today isn't considered doing anything for myself to better myself. Making sure we have money in the bank and all of our bills paid isn't a responsibility either, I guess. Taking care of the pets, doing our laundry, none of that is considered a responsibility to him.) So I'm a worthless ****ty wife, who doesn't have sex with my H and does nothing but sit around and eat all day. ... I don't know what to do anymore. I don't feel loved or appreciated or wanted at all. After laying next to him in bed for a while, I assume he's asleep and I leave our room to go in the guest room to sleep, yet I can't sleep. I just cry, I know what I want and I feel like I'm wasting my life trying to make him happy. I tell him that all he has to do, is put me before his video games, before his friends, before my brother, I just want to feel loved again. I know it's hard to change, but he treated me right once, he knew exactly what I needed and how to make me happy, I believe he can do that again. I just don't know how much longer I can wait. I feel like I'm dying inside trying to give him all that I can and make sure he's loved, but I don't get that treatment in return... Laying in the guest bed crying, I hear him go to the bathroom. Next thing I know, he opened the door and has asked me to come back to bed because he can't sleep. At this point I lost it, uncontrollable tears, because sitting on that bed next to me was the man I fell in love with asking me to come back to bed with him. He was trying to comfort me, the man that I married used to do that, but this man that he's become hardly ever does anymore. He laid next to me and held me for a bit and told me he loves me. So of course, I went back to bed with him. I laid in bed and cried a little more and he held my hand. 

This morning he woke me up with a hug and a kiss before he left for work, I don't remember anything he said.. I was exhausted. I think I'm going to try to talk to the military docs here to see if they can help him, I don't think anything I can do will help or change anything. He's not willing to change and he's addicted to alcohol and video games... He of course denies it, but talks about how an addicted mind isn't logical all the time. He puts them both before me any and every time we try to do anything. I know he has to want to change in order to make this work, but right now he doesn't. I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread and I just don't know what else to do.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

He is well aware of all of the issues between you two. We know this because he posted here. He isnt making a real effort to improve things, and you cannot do it alone. To me, this really tells you all you need to know...you are not his priority. So now you have a decision to make. 

Hope the damn video games are worth losing his wife for.


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