# Stay at Home Dad - Mom Tired & Used...



## yellowlady (Jul 23, 2015)

Hello - I am so at a loss, I'm hoping those out there can help, Please! We decided that my husband would stay at home after our 2nd child as the money he was bringing in did not justify him working. Plus more importantly it was better for the kids. Now our kids are 15 and 13, and I have layered on me years of resentment... In my mind he did not live up to my definition of a stay at home parent. The kids were dirty, the house was dirty, there were no meals on the table. Much of the house duties I felt I did during my time off and thus missing more of my children. Sadly, I have no proof and when the topic comes up he states that he does a lot and that I don't value him because he doesn't bring a paycheck home. So now the kids are older and in my mind I think yay! it is almost over... he can go to work - we can be ok financially. Unfortunately he shows no desire. Once he stated that I only wanted him to go to work so that he was miserable like me. I am at a loss. I feel used. I feel like I have another child not a husband. I get so jealous of women with husbands who want to work and support their wives, and have gifts bought for them. This all goes without saying that our sex-life is poor. Many times I feel used in that department as well. Is there any hope for me? I am so tired of crying... Sincerely, Yellowlady


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## pleasecoffee (Jun 18, 2015)

he could be depressed. does your work offer EAP services? maybe see a MC.


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## life_huppens (Jun 3, 2015)

I guess he got comfortable with your previous arrangement. Also, he could be terrified from prospects of searching for a job, and essentially starting from the scratch. As far as a quality of his house work, I think it you should had discuss it with him earlier. At this point I would agree with previous poster to transfer money to the account you have full control of, and cut him off completely. This should force him to start looking for the job.


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## Froggi (Sep 10, 2014)

pistal said:


> Put all of the money into your own account, provide for yourself and your children only.
> 
> Eventually he'll get off his lazy ass and get a job so he can get stuff he needs.
> 
> Maybe.



She might be breatking the law if she does this. OP, consult with a family law attorney. Seriously. This guy sounds like a damn leech.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

I am a SAHM, been doing it for 14 years. During those years, I work for a few weeks every year. I do some bookkeeping and when it gets hectic again and the kids start complaining, I quit. Worked with family, so they understand.

My kids are now 17 and 18. Going on to college and junior yr hs. My husband asked that I say home 2 years more to stay on top of our son.

During these years, I take on the majority of the housework. I cook each day, clean the house each day, my kids are always clean and I volunteer at their school. I also, pay the bills and do some lite investing for our retirement. I help with homework and help judge debate matches.

The reason I do all of the above is because my husband works 12 hours a day for us. When he comes home, he is pampered and taken care of.
Sometimes, i get cranky and mad, then, he takes care of me. Its a partnership. He does his part and I do mines.

Now that our kids are older, our daughter is off to college, my son told me no more volunteering. He just wants to be dropped off in the mornings. Our life at this time is much easier. My husband and I spend lots of time together, relearning us. 

The reason I am telling you this story is that you can see how I do it.
I will never disrespect my husband if he ask me to go to work and my answer is why, "so i can be miserable like you". 

What he is saying to you is, you are his money supplier. You are there to keep his lazy, depressed ass from going out and doing something meaningful with himself. Let him know the kids no longer need him, arrange for transportation to take them to school and back. Get a house cleaning service to come in. Give him a time line.

He is being nasty and disrespectful. I behave like him and I am sure my behind will be out on the street. You have put up with his crap for too long doing everything. 

Of course you are resentful. Who wouldn't be. You have lost your respect and attraction to him. 

Don't feel bad for feeling the way you do. Its normal.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

P.S. 
Your husband can find any job. He does not have to be senior VP. I am going to look for a part-time cashier position if I can't find a booking keeping position. Who cares its working. Start small.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Stay at home moms and dads have a tough job when the kids are young but once the kids are older they need to be open to working if their spouse wants them to. When the kids are older and the SAH spouse is unwilling to work, it's hard not paint that as anything other than laziness.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

As a SAHM, I am expected to do all the house work. The expectation is that I do all the housework. Comments would be like: what do you do all day, do you sleep all day....

I know how padded my behind will be because while he is out working, I am the one creating the wealth. So yes, I will be getting my half and some.

Of course, my husband would not throw me out. But can you imagine what the tension would be like in the house. She cant force him to find a job, but she can make it so that he is no longer needed to be a SAHD. 
So, if she divorces him, he comes out with half of what they have. Man or woman, its the same. 

You are right Pistal, this happen after years of enabling. That is why every year you need to talk about your changing situation and readdress the issue.

Maybe, this is the time to have the talk and rearrangement of the issue. But she cant go on resenting him.


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## Froggi (Sep 10, 2014)

Why was his lazy ass behavior not addressed years ago? He was the SAHP. He should have had that house clean and meals cooked and kids cared for. That is the job of the SAHP. I was one for years. I know how it is supposed to be.

What you have is a lazy slob.


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## yellowlady (Jul 23, 2015)

Thank You Everyone!! It feels reassuring to know I'm maybe not crazy. I have tried to bring it up in the past and have been made to feel petty. He says he does things around the house, for instance chopping wood and building projects "he wants" (another long story there). This was all new territory for me and I think I did it all wrong sadly. My mother stayed at home raising 10 kids - I saw how much she worked and how women were disregarded. I did not want that for myself. So I went to college to be an independent woman. Along the way though, I picked up a dependent man I guess... 

Anyway I guess what I am getting at is are there any words that could be said so that I don't sound like all I care about is money? Because to me that is not the point. Over the years he has become strange - maybe too many internet searches on conspiracy theories and diets. He talks like a shut-in and doesn't relate well to people any more. Did I do this to him? If I told him any of that he would be hurt beyond measure and then again I am made out to be the bad guy.

My coping measure is to continue with the status quo - but life scares me to death for when the kids leave home as they have become a buffer and excuse to this situation


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

yellowlady said:


> Thank You Everyone!! It feels reassuring to know I'm maybe not crazy. I have tried to bring it up in the past and have been made to feel petty. He says he does things around the house, for instance chopping wood and building projects "he wants" (another long story there). This was all new territory for me and I think I did it all wrong sadly. My mother stayed at home raising 10 kids - I saw how much she worked and how women were disregarded. I did not want that for myself. So I went to college to be an independent woman. Along the way though, I picked up a dependent man I guess...
> 
> Anyway I guess what I am getting at is are there any *words that could be said so that I don't sound like all I care about is money? * Because to me that is not the point. Over the years he has become strange - maybe too many internet searches on conspiracy theories and diets. He talks like a shut-in and doesn't relate well to people any more. Did I do this to him? If I told him any of that he would be hurt beyond measure and then again I am made out to be the bad guy.
> 
> My coping measure is to continue with the status quo - but life scares me to death for when the kids leave home as they have become a buffer and excuse to this situation


my suggestion would be to make a plan of attack....find a good divorce attorney, have a place to go if you need to move out ect...

Then talk to him but never use feelings or words about feelings, they can become easy to dismiss. Say that you have lost respect for him and something has to change, either he starts doing things around the house OR gets a job. If he balks at both options you may need to divorce. Be aware that you would be likely held to the court standard and end up paying alimony. But honestly even if you did wouldn't that be better than this?


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I think you need to have an honest discussion with him. Maybe come at it from a "this is how I see it, help me fix it" direction.

You've grown apart, that is clear. You feel overworked. You would like to enjoy more things together as a couple like going out, visiting friends, etc. You are concerned that when the kids leave home, there won't be anything left between you to keep you together.

It doesn't have to be an attack where you feel like the big bad wolf, like saying, "you make me feel .... " or "you don't do this ... ".

It seems he had a different idea of what his responsibilities were when he became the stay at home parent. Maybe he thought he could just keep doing what he was doing, but instead of working, he would be there for the kids. I think most women are raised with the knowledge of what is expected of a stay at home mother because they watched their mothers do it. Your husband was probably raised watching his mother do most of the housework and it would feel natural to him to leave it to you, and natural for you to do it when you saw it wasn't being done. You both made a mistake in that regard. It's not so easy to toss aside your indoctrination into family life. You say you went out and became independent but quickly fell back into the role of housewife. If you chose the role of primary income earner, you should've taken on the stance a man would've taken in your place.


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## yellowlady (Jul 23, 2015)

Yep - that is it...Breeze you really hit the nail on the hammer! We have grown apart and his parents were workaholics and in addition his mother is a clean freak. He is being a good parent by just being there. He is giving them what he didn't have and I have supported this because well, he talks more than I do... and sadly I was raised with the man rules the house values. 

Is it possible to break ones programming?

Divorce appears to be an easy answer with hard results. What I want is for him to be a man. A happy man. A happy man that does not stem from having had sex. That is the only time he treats me well and he acts happy. 

It is obvious you can't teach an old dog new tricks and he will never pull his weight in house duties. I know that on Saturdays that is what I will be doing. Fine - so be it. I feel then that the answer is that he gets a job, meets some new people and finds value in his life (besides his special purpose) This would also make me feel [hopefully] like I am not "paying" for sex or treating mental illness when I do it.

BTW: This site and you all who respond are really really helpful!! I see that my initial post was a plea mixed with venting and now it is morphing into the heart of the issue and hopefully a solution.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I've been through something like this. It's often very hard for a person who has not had a job for 12 years to even know how to get out into the work force.

There are close to zero role models for SAHD's. I'm not making excuses for him, only taking a moment to look at things from his perspective.

I doubt that there are any support groups, other dads he could have hung out with. No older man he grew up watching. And the last thing any man wants to be like is his mom (if she was a SAHM) or some other women he has seen do the SAHM gig. And it seems your husband has not been resourceful enough to figure out how to do what a SAHP does and to structure his life in a way that is mentally healthy for him.

After over a decade of not working, it's very hard for a person to get back into the work force. Like you said, he's become sort of reclusive. Is he sort of agoraphobic?

I get your point of view. It's awful to watch the person you love become basically a non-productive person. 

That comment, “why, so i can be miserable like you?" I got almost the same thing. “Why, so I can be tired all the time like you?” I was furious.

You can tell him that you are no longer willing to support him while he does little to nothing. The children are basically grown, it’s time he gets back into the work force. He has 2 months to find a job. You do not care what the job is, he has to have a job. If he cannot find a job in 2 months, he needs to have a full time volunteer position. So he needs to be looking for both.

If he says things like “why, so I can be miserable like you”. Just look at him and say “yea”. Since you do not care when I can miserable and exhausted from working and doing 99% of the work at home and with the kids, yes so you can be miserable and tired too. Maybe then I can get a break.

I've been through something like this. It's often very hard for a person who has not had a job for 12 years to even know how to get out into the work force.

I would also cut back his access to finances. He has a roof over his head, food, etc. You are not obligated to give him money for things like his projects. 

Does he have access to all of the bank accounts, any investments, etc?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

The SAHD thing does not work. It never has and never will. 

Women are hardwired from 10,000 years of social evolution to be supported and cared for by their husbands. A woman is genetically disposed to resent her husband and lose respect for him if he chooses to be a SAHD. It amazes me how women walk gleefully into these booby traps. TAM is replete with stories of SAHDs who are cheated on by their wives because their wives simply no longer see them as men. 

You set your husband up to fail.

OP, even if your husband had been a Michael Keaton and been a perfect homemaker and kept the house and the kids spotless, had a hot cooked meal waiting for you every night, as well as a hot bath drawn and rose petals on the water, you would still be here today telling us your story of woe. You would still have lost all respect for him no matter how well he had done his job. 

The SAHD trend is a social illusion...a farce. 

Get into marriage counseling, and tell tour husband he needs to find a job and work. Then hire a housekeeper. Don't throw your marriage away over a problem that you helped create.


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## Sure that could work (Jun 9, 2015)

yellowlady said:


> Thank You Everyone!! It feels reassuring to know I'm maybe not crazy. I have tried to bring it up in the past and have been made to feel petty. He says he does things around the house, for instance chopping wood and building projects "he wants" (another long story there). This was all new territory for me and I think I did it all wrong sadly. My mother stayed at home raising 10 kids - I saw how much she worked and how women were disregarded. I did not want that for myself. So I went to college to be an independent woman. Along the way though, I picked up a dependent man I guess...
> 
> Anyway I guess what I am getting at is are there any words that could be said so that I don't sound like all I care about is money? Because to me that is not the point. Over the years he has become strange - maybe too many internet searches on conspiracy theories and diets. He talks like a shut-in and doesn't relate well to people any more. Did I do this to him? If I told him any of that he would be hurt beyond measure and then again I am made out to be the bad guy.
> 
> My coping measure is to continue with the status quo - but life scares me to death for when the kids leave home as they have become a buffer and excuse to this situation


Just out of curiosity what is his long term plans? What was his job or career before he started being a stay at home dad? Did he enjoy that line of work? Can he make any kind of money from his "special" projects? 

The thing is that you need to figure out a way to get him back to work because if you do decide to leave him at some point if he isn't working you will be supporting him for the rest of his/your life. Maybe if he found a job/career your interest in him would rekindle?

The words in my world would be....I think it's time to find a job/career husband. It is not because I want you to be miserable but because I want you to have an interest outside the home. I do not want you to become lonely without your own job/career when the children leave the home. Explain with examples of friends who have stayed at home to raise children and then gone on to find work and fulfillment outside the home. (men or women).

I don't think it would work well to tell him he is getting uninteresting with talk of conspiracy theories and internet finds. 

And no, you did not do this to him. I would assume this is his temperament to be open to diets, conspiracy theories, and other stuff. It sounds like the two of you have grown apart. It happens, and might be fixable. Depends on whether he wants to join in the fix or not.


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## yellowlady (Jul 23, 2015)

To answer some questions..
He has access to the credit card only. We have never had joint bank accounts. His he let go when he withdrew his last $5. Everything is in his and my name - Subsequently he has a better credit score then I do Ha! In the beginning I didn't make very much (i.e. had to give plasma to make ends meet)... Recently I've had jumps in pay and responsibility at work. We have fought many times that he should get an allowance. And at times he would get one (oh the stories in this topic!). anyway...currently, I have budgeted to him that he can spend $70 on whatever he wants no questions asked. Please trust me - I'm not rich!! I have to watch every penny. It is amazes me every month how ingeniously close he comes to $70 - i.e. 69.95, 70.11 Crazy! Yes, and he has gone over by a lot too. That smarts!
He makes a little money here and there by doing the dishes for the kids if they pay him. 
He doesn't mention serious long-term plans. He's interested in making an item to sell, but he will spend 18+ hours on it, then not sell it because it isn't perfect enough or he is too attached. 
When we married he had his own business. He never made much money at it, but he refused to state he was operating at a loss. Taxes were outrageous and I had to pay them. After the 2nd child I felt he was costing us more money then making. Also - he hated the line of business he was in, it was constant complaints. It just made sense that he stay at home.
Sum it all up -> He is awful with money. 
I agree with you bandit to a point that no matter what he won't appear attractive because he is a SAHD. He has said that to me. He does though make me laugh, will do something nice out of the blue etc. and those things are attractive ...because he isn't all bad. 

I'm frustrated with the situation I have created and I'm scared for the future.

Great advice up above about what to say to him - Thank You!


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

yellowlady said:


> He makes a little money here and there by doing the dishes for the kids if they pay him.


Wait. Wait. Wait. He is their father. And THEY pay HIM to do the dishes? Can you help me understand that?



> He doesn't mention serious long-term plans. He's interested in making an item to sell, but he will spend 18+ hours on it, then not sell it because it isn't perfect enough or he is too attached.
> When we married he had his own business. He never made much money at it, but he refused to state he was operating at a loss. Taxes were outrageous and I had to pay them. After the 2nd child I felt he was costing us more money then making. Also - he hated the line of business he was in, it was constant complaints. It just made sense that he stay at home.
> Sum it all up -> He is awful with money.
> I agree with you bandit to a point that no matter what he won't appear attractive because he is a SAHD. He has said that to me. He does though make me laugh, will do something nice out of the blue etc. and those things are attractive ...because he isn't all bad.
> ...


I cannot even begin to imagine how you reset decades of that expectation.


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## ILoveSparkles (Oct 28, 2013)

yellowlady said:


> He makes a little money here and there by doing the dishes for the kids if they pay him.


Whoa! What does this mean??? 

Taking money from children is not "making money" here and there. It's not an income. Unless your kids are living at home as adults, minors should not be paying parents for anything.


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## ToothFairy (May 19, 2013)

He earns a little extra money by doing the dishes for the kids? They pay him to do their chores? This is a new low in self respect. He is healthy and able bodied. Why are you scared to set a new boundary and make a few demands? He should be working!! Kids that age do not need someone at home all day. They can watch themselves part of the time. You are an "independent woman" who is out there working hard for her family. He should be doing at least as much. So, "man up" and make your man be one or file for divorce.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

ToothFairy said:


> *He earns a little extra money by doing the dishes for the kids? They pay him to do their chores? This is a new low in self respect.* He is healthy and able bodied. Why are you scared to set a new boundary and make a few demands? He should be working!! Kids that age do not need someone at home all day. They can watch themselves part of the time. You are an "independent woman" who is out there working hard for her family. He should be doing at least as much. So, "man up" and make your man be one or file for divorce.


Yeahh...

Wow...

I don't think I've ever heard that one before.


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## yellowlady (Jul 23, 2015)

Yup I think I am scared and I think he is scared too. I've been doing some soul searching - maybe I am a tyrant in this relationship??? Maybe he feels like he has no other option but to earn money off of the kids... If that was the case though I wish he would tell me he wants to earn money because you are right - it isn't right to be teaching the kids that. They will end up with worse attitudes then him - I fear.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Holy crap....



That's a game changer right there. 




Um....he needs to get a fvcking job. You need to hire a housekeeper. Get him off his azz and get him working. 


For Christ's sake...


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> In my mind he did not live up to my definition of a stay at home parent.


Why do so many people tolerate this? I don't get it. 

I would NEVER put up with someone sitting around their butt all day while I financially support them. I find it hard to fathom how you did it.

Unfortunately, its going to be difficult to get him to work now because you've enabled his laziness and he knows and well as you do that working is a whole lot harder than staying at home all day. 

If you divorce him now...there's a high possibility you'll be stuck with alimony.

So you need to give him an ultimatum...tell him you're going to divorce him if he doesn't get a job. If you get lucky, and he gets scared enough to get a job, you can either decide to stay with him (I wouldn't cause I wouldn't trust him) or you can immediately divorce him. That way he shows that he can earn some income, you're in a much better position not to support his leeching for as long.




> Why was his lazy ass behavior not addressed years ago? He was the SAHP. He should have had that house clean and meals cooked and kids cared for. That is the job of the SAHP. I was one for years. I know how it is supposed to be.
> 
> What you have is a lazy slob.


lol...Yet if he was female, everyone on the thread would be making excuses for his behavior.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> Yup I think I am scared and I think he is scared too. I've been doing some soul searching - maybe I am a tyrant in this relationship???


No, its normal to want a real contributing partner and not a person who's basically using you for money. What I can't understand is how you tolerated him being a sponging dependent for so long? 

You've asked him to get a job and there's absolutely nothing wrong with you having that expectation.

The problem is that he's gotten accustomed to using you and you've gotten accustomed to being used...that's what happens in these situations.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

To be honest, I wouldn't have tolerated the whole idea of an allowance when I was a SAHP. That would've felt degrading, to me anyway.

One thing I've noticed from the people I've observed, the couples where the SAHP is the one doing the budgeting, paying the bills, organising the finances etc have a lot less financial complaints about each other. I think this is because the SAHP becomes responsible with money. The working partner also has less stress in their life by being able to leave all the financial worries on the shoulders of their partner.

When the working partner doesn't leave it to the SAHP (there might be good reasons, but the result is the same), then the SAHP doesn't develop any sense of responsibility, doesn't learn how to budget and doesn't feel like they have any control. It's demoralising. Plus, the working partner is still shouldering the responsibility and now also has a partner who doesn't fully understand the repercussions of their spending habits.

My BIL dumped the whole thing on my sister when she became a SAHP, and she was terrible with money. He had the budget done, and everything seemed to be in order, but just decided he didn't want to do it anymore, so it became her problem. Very smart move. Win for both of them as she learned how to budget, and he had less to do at home. Of course, she grumbled about it at the time, but settled into her new role anyway.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

EnigmaGirl said:


> lol...Yet if he was female, everyone on the thread would be making excuses for his behavior.


I guess you have missed the many threads here on TAM with similar situations and the roles are reversed.

SAHP gets support here when both spouses agree for them to SAH.

When the SAHP is not doing what a SAHP is supposed to do and basically forcing the other to support them.. there is little if any support here.


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## Froggi (Sep 10, 2014)

breeze said:


> I think you need to have an honest discussion with him. Maybe come at it from a "this is how I see it, help me fix it" direction.
> 
> You've grown apart, that is clear. You feel overworked. You would like to enjoy more things together as a couple like going out, visiting friends, etc. You are concerned that when the kids leave home, there won't be anything left between you to keep you together.
> 
> ...




He didn't know any better on how to be a SAHP? Yeah right. Unless he is a complete moron he knew damn well what a sahp does. He just, like a lot of men I have known who sahp (not all) think that they are entitled to housekeeping and laundry and cook service, although their wife works her butt off.


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## Froggi (Sep 10, 2014)

EnigmaGirl said:


> Why do so many people tolerate this? I don't get it.
> 
> I would NEVER put up with someone sitting around their butt all day while I financially support them. I find it hard to fathom how you did it.
> 
> ...



Not even close but good try! 

I have been a SAHM, a WOHM, and now I am a WAHM. I have done it all so I speak from experience. If you are the SAHP, you should be doing the lion's share of the household chores and organization of the household. That does not mean that the WOHP does nothing but flop on his/her butt after work. Child care is 50/50. If the SAHP is ill, of course the WOHP steps up. 

What I have seen with SAHDs is that they are entitlement minded boys who like having a woman foot the bills, and think that they, because of having a penis, should not have to do anything else either, or very little. Or they use the excuse of playing with the kids. Now, do not get me wrong. Yes there are great SAHDs and crappy SAHDs as well as great SAHMS and crappy SAHMs. But in this case, I think we have a manchild. 

I have been the SAHM who had a husband who would not pitch in with anything if I was sick. And I have been the WOHP and WAHP who still had to do all, because of the penis thing. Today, I just do what I can, when I can. The house is not perfect. But my kids are fed, and clothed and happy. He works part time doing some handyman jobs. Still does little around the house. I am thinking of a divorce, because I am tired of it.

We need to teach our sons that they are just as responsible for house and children as their wives are.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Froggi said:


> He didn't know any better on how to be a SAHP? Yeah right. Unless he is a complete moron he knew damn well what a sahp does. He just, like a lot of men I have known who sahp (not all) think that they are entitled to housekeeping and laundry and cook service, although their wife works her butt off.


I didn't say he didn't know how to be a SAHP. I said he had a different idea on what it meant as the father to be the SAHP. Assumptions are the mother of all f***ups, and assuming that everyone is on the same page from day dot is a huge reason why people end up in these predicaments.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Lila said:


> I tried sending you a pm bandit but your inbox is full. It's important.


Sorry. I cleaned it out. PM away...


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