# are we just growing apart



## drifting apart (Apr 17, 2012)

I've read thru some of the posts and wanted to add my own story.
I am 46 self employed, she 43 we have been married 16 yrs this year.

my wife started an new job a few years back and I did not feel comfortable with the situation. After a few months of discussing/fighting over it, I felt even less comfortable with it and became withdrawn and sullen as she verbally attacked me by saying things like I dont want to see her happy, I never pay attention to her until she started working at this job, and things about our past that I thought were just that, past. But apperently she has been holding it in and resenting me for things i did over 20 years ago. All were lies as I have always been the supporting one, and during my slow season b4 she gott his job we would spend almost all our freetime together as the kids were in school. She finally admitted I was right and has no idea why she said any of those things, and then just chose to stop discussing them.

I contemplated leaving, but could not leave my kids.

Fast forward to the last year or so, I got over my jealousy and insecurities and things seem to be going pretty good. Then she calls about 2 weeks ago on her way home gets a text from a friend and has to call me back.

So 10 minutes later I call her, she said she had to go back to the office as she forgot her purse? She NEVER forgets her purse, which raised a red flag. check our phone records and it was 1 of her bosses who texted, a guy I always had a gut feeling about that she is emotionally attached too. She called him right after and headed backto the office.

I checked her phone and she deleted both the text and phone call. This of course, has me thinking all over again.

then the other night we are talking about her work, the same guy, Matt 32yrs old, she tells me he was telling her how his wife is po'ed at him for working so much now and never home with the family and how he would go back to his old job but doesn't think she could live on 50G a year again after he has been making over 200 grand a year the last few years and they would have to sell their 400K home and she just wouldn't like it.

Well I said 50k isn'tthat bad of money.... she got very condensending and said that "thats always been your problem, you are not motivated to make "real" money. Never have been and never will be.

I asked her when our life became all about money, since when we married it was supposed to be about family first. We are not rich nor poor. She has a nice car, I have 2 work trucks, we havea 100k home we go on vacation at least once a year.

Told her if its all about money, she may have married the wrong guy. She got quiet for a minute then just told me she loved me and we went to sleep. 

Last night it came up again as i was still wondering why she is comparing me to her boss, she denied ever saying it, after I rehashed the whole conversation, she changed to she may have said it, but I took it wrong.

I told her it is a LOT easier to build a "multi million dollar business" when you have a "rich uncle invest 25 million into the company" then it is to start from scratch as I did. She never apologized and still this morning acts if she said nothing wrong.


Are we just head in different directions? I do not think she is physically cheating, but do think she has made some strong bonds with a few of her female coworkers and all 3 partners, who happen to be from wealthy familes.

or am I still being insecure?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Noooo, you not insecure. 

Deleting the phone text and the purse thing is a red flag. Start investigating, get a PI or what ever. If it is and affair, she knows your on to them, they will be more careful about it. IMO. Hope I'm wrong. Do yourself a favor, consider its true till you check it out. 

Her bringing him up is a red flag too. You may be confident in your manhood, but she is comparing you to him. It's easy to see, by your questioning of yourself, your being pretty passive about it. You may need to man up a bit. Read "The Married Man Sex Life" by Athol Kay. Its relevant to her comparison of you and her boss.

Good luck.


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## LadyFrog (Feb 27, 2012)

Here is your HUGE red flag. She deleted the text and the call. Get very suspicious and do it immediately.

I would never demean my husband by pointing out there are men who make more than he does. That's really low.

She is either having an EA or thinking about it. Move quickly.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You should quitly investigate the red flags here, and confirm your wifes commitment to the marriage. There my be other influence at work that are effecting the dynamics of the marriage *other* then growing apart.


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## drifting apart (Apr 17, 2012)

so this morning she tells me she is going to ask matt after work for a raise. its been 16 months since her last raise and since the company fired the VP of operations 2 weeks ago, placed more responsibility in my wife's and her coworkers laps.

So it sounds very legit, but I feel like she is just laying ground work for an excuse to stay 'late' again. 
Want to add also, about 2 months ago, we saw 1 of my old girl friends, she got nasty about that to accusing me of going to that store on purpose (like I knew she shopped there) and wanting to hook back up with her.

I had to listen to that for about a week, BUT because of 'stories' about this girl being sexually aggressive during and after ourtime together (rue stories and she did cheat on me), our sex life got very interesting and fun. Wife did things she hasn't done in.. since.. can't remember. 

Don't know thinking I may happen to just stop by today at 4 when she is to get off, tell her iwanted to see her b4 i go to school at 530 but going early to study for my test. should i?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Lots of red flags here I'm sorry to say. Most of the major ones: deleted calls/messages - check, gas lighting (making you think you're crazy) - check, blame shifting (you took it wrong) - check, sudden change in sexual behavior/affection - check, comparing you to another - check, strange/unexplained absences (going back for purse/working late - check, I could go on for a few more. 

There is a difference between jealousy and suspicion. You are not currently jealous, you are suspicious - with cause to be so. Unfortunately given past jealousy issues any attempt to confront her will be met by hitting you with that stick. You need to investigate, do some spying and see what you get. Don't delay, this will get worse very quickly if there's a problem. 

Good luck.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Should I? Stop questioning yourself and just do it, investigate!

She is going to meet him after work to ask for a raise. That's a work related issue to be discussed at work and during work. This is a boundary issue for most people, nothing wrong with checking on that. What type of setting will they be in? Will they be alone? Those are normal questions.

Don't do it out of pure jealously. Do it because it seems outside normal boundaries. Verifying is not wrong, its common sense. Your not just checking her boundaries, your checking his too. If it is all innocent you'll feel better. If its not then you take the next steps. 

As for drifting apart, are you actively trying to work on your relationship? Try that too. Do some reading on how to support her. Here is another book, "His Needs, Her Needs" by Harley. There you can find simple explanations and methods, to help you solve some of your problems and have a better marriage. They are very easy to follow. There is a web site too. And don't just say 'I don't have time for that'..its you marriage your talking about..it can be fixed. 

Hope all turns out well.


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## drifting apart (Apr 17, 2012)

anchorwatch said:


> Should I? Stop questioning yourself and just do it, investigate!
> 
> She is going to meet him after work to ask for a raise. That's a work related issue to be discussed at work and during work. This is a boundary issue for most people, nothing wrong with checking on that. What type of setting will they be in? Will they be alone? Those are normal questions.
> 
> ...



I will look that book up, thanks. And yesI think I am trying, reading what I can tryingto talk to her. What really sucks is part of me is very concerned something is wrong, and the 
books all point to something being wrong


And part of me (my mother coming out in me and her strong Faith) says: trust her, be happy for her that she found a job she is comfortable with and they treat her right and she is happy, she made some 'good friends' and have faith. 

I am really trying to be the latter, but it aint easy knowing she is deleting/hiding ****. I want to go with coincidental...but.

Ain't love grand??


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Your still worried something is not right. Then go with your gut. Did you check out her phone? Did you compare the bill with the amount of text? How about where she was going after work, that day? What has she said? 

Look all the work you do for your marriage won't go anywhere while a third person is involved. You need to know if there is. 
Maybe you should move you thread to the Coping with Infidelity forum...There is more experience there with the type of methods you need to verify what she is up to. Stay calm and do it quickly.


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