# I can't stand that the girl I really like is engaged. I have extreme hatred for her f



## dashrendar4454

there is this tutor I worked with in college for my math class. She is about 28 and I am 22. One thing I notice My class ended but I still see her around a lot on campus and we chat a lot. I have asked questions about this situation before. I realize I have a big crush on her and think about her a lot, but I have zero chance with her because she is engaged and she is older. But despite that I have developed some kind of obsession with her. I think about her all the time and the last time we spoke I secretly switched the recorder on my phone on and recorded the entire conversation, and I listen to it over and over 


and the biggest thing, i keep thinking about the next time I see her, I am constantly planning everything about that next time, like exactly what to say or talk about. I have fake conversations with myself pretending it is her. I also feel really mad and jealous I can't get with her 

the days I have seen her have been the main highlights for me for this entire year, every time between those days and even right now just feels like a build up to the next time I see her. 

honestly, I can't stand that she is with another guy, whenever I see that ring on her finger I want to grab it and smash it to a million pieces. I also like to take a piece of paper and cut it up pretending it is her fiance, and I do imagine hurting him badly or even killing him, I know it is wrong but I can't help myself


is this a problem I should tell someone about, or will I get over it soon? This girl is also rather touchy feely, always patting me on the back or shoulder or side. I wonder why. also, she was my tutor but I still see her around and we chat. She was the one that initiated the first conversation when she saw me, I never initiate conversations with anyone let alone girls


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## PBear

Get help. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

dashrendar4454 said:


> But despite that *I have developed some kind of obsession with her.* I think about her all the time and the last time we spoke *I secretly switched the recorder on my phone on and recorded the entire conversation, and I listen to it over and over
> *
> 
> every time between those days and even right now just feels like a build up to the next time I see her.
> 
> honestly, I can't stand that she is with another guy, whenever I see that ring on her finger I want to grab it and smash it to a million pieces. *I also like to take a piece of paper and cut it up pretending it is her fiance, and I do imagine hurting him badly or even killing him*, I know it is wrong but I can't help myself
> 
> is this a problem


Son, you need some therapy.

because you are not talking like someone who has a simple crush on someone. (or even a big crush). What you are talking about borders on a sick infatuation. Obsession is not good, at all, ever. If you are seriously having these thoughts about harming him, you really need to mentally get checked out.

She is not yours. She is with another man. You need to accept that.

I am not making light of your situation. Because what you are describing, quite frankly, sounds frightening. And if you don't get this in check, I fear for you and for others.


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## GTdad

dashrendar4454 said:


> is this a problem I should tell someone about, or will I get over it soon?


I'm going to suggest the former. As soon as possible.


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## happy as a clam

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happy as a clam

Honestly, you sound like a stalker. Get professional help before you do something you will regret.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964

dashrendar4454 said:


> there is this tutor I worked with in college for my math class. She is about 28 and I am 22. One thing I notice My class ended but I still see her around a lot on campus and we chat a lot. I have asked questions about this situation before. I realize I have a big crush on her and think about her a lot, but I have zero chance with her because she is engaged and she is older. But despite that I have developed some kind of obsession with her. I think about her all the time and the last time we spoke I secretly switched the recorder on my phone on and recorded the entire conversation, and I listen to it over and over
> 
> 
> and the biggest thing, i keep thinking about the next time I see her, I am constantly planning everything about that next time, like exactly what to say or talk about. I have fake conversations with myself pretending it is her. I also feel really mad and jealous I can't get with her
> 
> the days I have seen her have been the main highlights for me for this entire year, every time between those days and even right now just feels like a build up to the next time I see her.
> 
> honestly, I can't stand that she is with another guy, whenever I see that ring on her finger I want to grab it and smash it to a million pieces. I also like to take a piece of paper and cut it up pretending it is her fiance, and I do imagine hurting him badly or even killing him, I know it is wrong but I can't help myself
> 
> 
> is this a problem I should tell someone about, or will I get over it soon? This girl is also rather touchy feely, always patting me on the back or shoulder or side. I wonder why. also, she was my tutor but I still see her around and we chat. She was the one that initiated the first conversation when she saw me, I never initiate conversations with anyone let alone girls


Please get yourself some help *immediately*. There should be some kind of student services centre at your college - please go there or to an emergency department or a police station or SOMEwhere and tell them about these thoughts. You need serious intervention.


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## EleGirl

I agree. You need to tell someone who can help you. A psychiatrist is probably your best bet. Your school probably has at least on one of their staff in their clinic, assuming they have one. If they don't have one the start with an MD. Be very clear with them about the level of your obsession.

There are ways that you can be helped to stop this obsession.


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## dashrendar4454

Hope1964 said:


> Please get yourself some help *immediately*. There should be some kind of student services centre at your college - please go there or to an emergency department or a police station or SOMEwhere and tell them about these thoughts. You need serious intervention.


I am not going to the police? What are you talking about? Nor will I talk to some counselor because because talking about it seems awkward and then I would have to tell my parents


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## EleGirl

dashrendar4454 said:


> I am not going to the police? What are you talking about? Nor will I talk to some counselor because because talking about it seems awkward and then I would have to tell my parents


I agree that going to the police might not be a good idea. 

Tell your parents if that's who you feel safe with. 

But what do you think that your parents can do for you? They can give you moral support but I doubt that they know how to help you get over this.

Obsessive thinking is based on mental health issues. It's often actually caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. There are things that can be done to get the brain chemistry right again.

Do some internet searches on obsessive/compulsive behavior. 

You know that your mind is going to places that are not good. So you know that you need to find a way to stop the obsession.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

First, go visit someone, like a friend or your family you can confide in. Just tell them you are hung up on a woman and obsessing over her. You need to delete the recordings, you need to delete any photos you have of her. Ask them to keep you occupied during your visit. 

And, you need to get help. But there can be a wait time for an appointment, unless you specifically ask for a crisis appointment. So that's how you can stay safe while waiting. 

Go to the school's wellness counselor, they can help you with this, and you will become free of your obsession, which you know is pointless. 

Honestly, at the biological level, this is your brain's wiring playing tricks on you. At your age, there are all sorts of things that can go wrong and this is one of them. Some harmless fantasies and attraction got a stronghold from being entertained too often with too big of a payoff for your physical reaction, the oo lala part. You need to be in charge of the issue. Same way you can be in charge of a car when you are driving.

Except you need to go to someone who has read the user's manual and knows how things work.

You will recover from this but first you need to find someone who knows how to reverse the chemical/neurological pattern that got cemented in your wiring. 

Don't take it as any kind of failure. You're human. Nobody expects you to know everything about how to deal with every single issue that's thrown at you in this life. You learn as you go.


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## EleGirl

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Honestly, at the biological level, this is your brain's wiring playing tricks on you.
> ...
> 
> Except you need to go to someone who has read the user's manual and knows how things work.
> 
> You will recover from this but first you need to find someone who knows how to reverse the chemical/neurological pattern that got cemented in your wiring.
> 
> *Don't take it as any kind of failure. You're human.* Nobody expects you to know everything about how to deal with every single issue that's thrown at you in this life. You learn as you go.


This is the bottom line. People go through all kinds of stuff in a life time. This is something you can work through. Just get the help you need to work through it.


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## long_done

Counseling and therapy ASAP. Please do not even go near this girl. Forget her, and for God's sake stay away from her!


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## dashrendar4454

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> First, go visit someone, like a friend or your family you can confide in. Just tell them you are hung up on a woman and obsessing over her. You need to delete the recordings, you need to delete any photos you have of her. Ask them to keep you occupied during your visit.
> 
> And, you need to get help. But there can be a wait time for an appointment, unless you specifically ask for a crisis appointment. So that's how you can stay safe while waiting.
> 
> Go to the school's wellness counselor, they can help you with this, and you will become free of your obsession, which you know is pointless.
> 
> Honestly, at the biological level, this is your brain's wiring playing tricks on you. At your age, there are all sorts of things that can go wrong and this is one of them. Some harmless fantasies and attraction got a stronghold from being entertained too often with too big of a payoff for your physical reaction, the oo lala part. You need to be in charge of the issue. Same way you can be in charge of a car when you are driving.
> 
> Except you need to go to someone who has read the user's manual and knows how things work.
> 
> You will recover from this but first you need to find someone who knows how to reverse the chemical/neurological pattern that got cemented in your wiring.
> 
> Don't take it as any kind of failure. You're human. Nobody expects you to know everything about how to deal with every single issue that's thrown at you in this life. You learn as you go.




I really don't want to see a counselor. The idea of talking to a counselor about it seems awkward and they may even think this problem is so petty and not worth their time. They might think what right I have to waste their time like that. They also might think I am just a weird person



and no way can I let my parents know. They are emotionally cold and would not understand at all. The idea of them knowing just doesn't give me good thoughts


I guess I will have to just hope it goes away


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## dashrendar4454

long_done said:


> Counseling and therapy ASAP. Please do not even go near this girl. Forget her, and for God's sake stay away from her!


the thought of never seeing her again kills me. Sure I could probably end the obsession, but never see her again? She is the one of the only girls I know that has actually socialized with me. 

This girl is also rather touchy feely, always patting me on the back or shoulder or side. I wonder why. also, she was my tutor but I still see her around and we chat. She was the one that initiated the first conversation when she saw me, I never initiate conversations with anyone let alone girls


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## EleGirl

A counselor (or therapist) will not think that you are wasting their time or that you are weird. They do what they do, talk to people and help them, because that is what they like to do. They like to help people.


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## Cosmos

As others have said, therapy asap. In the meanwhile, limit the amount of contact you have with this woman - otherwise you're going to end up getting yourself into trouble.


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## PBear

So you ask for advice, but you're not willing to take it? Maybe you should tell us what you'd like to hear, and we can try to respond appropriately. 

A woman should be able to be nice to you, work with you, even chat with you spontaneously, without you having thoughts of hating her fiancé or irrational anger or recording conversations so you can creepily play them back later.

Have you had a girlfriend before?

C


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## sparkyjim

dashrendar4454 said:


> I never initiate conversations with anyone let alone girls


Yeah, we know ... you already said that.

and Pbear is right. You started this thread and you asked for advice. The majority of us think that you need to talk to a counselor.

You think counselors haven't heard all of this stuff before? That is what they do and a good one will be able to help you.

If you are a student then student services will have help available for you. I don't see this going away - or I see you attaching this same behavior to the next woman who gives you attention.


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## dashrendar4454

PBear said:


> So you ask for advice, but you're not willing to take it? Maybe you should tell us what you'd like to hear, and we can try to respond appropriately.
> 
> A woman should be able to be nice to you, work with you, even chat with you spontaneously, without you having thoughts of hating her fiancé or irrational anger or recording conversations so you can creepily play them back later.
> 
> *Have you had a girlfriend before?*
> 
> C


no


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## long_done

dashrendar4454 said:


> no


How old are you?

You need to get counseling, and learn how to deal with girls, and have a lot of friends.

You sound like a loner, which is very troubling. You need psych help. Do it before you ruin your life or someone else's life.

You need to get over this girl. You need to understand there are 3 billion other girls out there, many of whom will be a better match for you, and give you what you desire. This is extremely unhealthy and you need to cut contact now.


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## dashrendar4454

I appreciate these answers but honestly you are telling me things I cannot do


I really cannot see a counselor. Sure they might be able to help me but I can't help but think if I tell them they will think I am weird, think my problem is petty, or even tell someone. Even if that is not what will happen, that is what my mind keeps telling me. It's like telling me to go on a roller coaster when I don't want to. Even if you tell me over and over again it is 100% safe and nothing will happen, I just can't do it. 



and no way will I ever be able to not see her again,. I can maybe end the obsession, but no way will never see her again. at least until she leaves or something for good, when I see her, I feel extremely happy. She is one of the only girls that has actually come up to me and socialized with me and I like her a lot (she is my type ) and I feel constantly thinking and in horror at the idea of her forgetting about me and jealous of the other people she gets to interact with on a daily basis. and the idea of never seeing her again just kills me. 



again thank you for the suggestions but I think I need to find a way to end it on my own.


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## long_done

Believe me, counselors have seen much much worse. You are building a wall in your mind that is preventing you from moving forward productively.

As a non-counselor, I have seen enough stuff that your situation looks very tame in comparison.

Do yourself a favor and go see one, you'll see how normal you really are. 

Get this addressed in its early stages, you'll see the dividends for the rest of your life.

If you don't, someone's going to suffer badly. Don't let it happen, you'll ruin your future.


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## dashrendar4454

long_done said:


> Believe me, counselors have seen much much worse. You are building a wall in your mind that is preventing you from moving forward productively.
> 
> As a non-counselor, I have seen enough stuff that your situation looks very tame in comparison.
> 
> Do yourself a favor and go see one, you'll see how normal you really are.
> 
> Get this addressed in its early stages, you'll see the dividends for the rest of your life.
> 
> If you don't, someone's going to suffer badly. Don't let it happen, you'll ruin your future.



also I am 22 since you asked. I also said it in my first post.


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## long_done

dashrendar4454 said:


> also I am 22 since you asked. I also said it in my first post.


Yup pretty normal.

I was a virgin til my mid-20's... so I know what you're going through.

I was very shy with girls myself, focused on school... was very codependent on my first girlfriend (we never had sex or did anything too serious).

It's easy to get obsessed over a girl especially when you're shy. Get over your shyness, start asking other girls out, and become a man.

Just don't have sex too early in life or you'll regret it later.

Go read books on confidence, how to improve yourself. Go workout at the gym. These are all positive things you can do to improve yourself, and you'll stop your obsession. Go see a counselor, that would help for sure.


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## dashrendar4454

long_done said:


> Believe me, counselors have seen much much worse. You are building a wall in your mind that is preventing you from moving forward productively.
> 
> As a non-counselor, I have seen enough stuff that your situation looks very tame in comparison.
> 
> Do yourself a favor and go see one, you'll see how normal you really are.
> 
> Get this addressed in its early stages, you'll see the dividends for the rest of your life.
> 
> If you don't, someone's going to suffer badly. Don't let it happen, you'll ruin your future.



like I said, I really can't. I am too nervous too. It is not just nervousness it is overwhelming anxiety about it. Thanks for the suggestion anyway


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## PBear

So what answers are you looking for?

C


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## GusPolinski

Hey where are you currently located? I ask only because I have some friends that I really want to send over to hang out w/ you. Don't be concerned that they all have badges or white coats, or that they all drive vehicles w/ sirens -- they're just reeeaaaaally into cosplay.

They're legit. I promise.


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## dashrendar4454

PBear said:


> So what answers are you looking for?
> 
> C


maybe if there is some way to feel better myself. Or just knowing if it was normal and it will go away


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## EleGirl

dashrendar4454 said:


> maybe if there is some way to feel better myself. Or just knowing if it was normal and it will go away


We have told you how to get to the point where this goes away and you feel better about yourself. You go see a psychiatrist. And you do what he/she tells you to do. You also tell family members and/or a close friend or two and ask for help from them.

But you say that you will not do this. So you are choosing to suffer this way.


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## dashrendar4454

I don't understand how people think it is so easy and go just see someone you don't even know and spill everything to them. Especially someone who already has lots of anxiety


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## norajane

If you were having chest pains, we'd tell you to go see a doctor. Because you are having obsessive/compulsive thoughts with illegal activity and fantasies of violence against another person, we are telling you to go see a psychiatrist. 

Also, because of your anxiety, you should see a psychyatrist. They can help you with that, too. That's their _job_. That's why they are _there_.

At the very least, call the wellness center. Ask for help. Many schools have student hotlines, too, where you can speak anonymously.


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## long_done

dashrendar4454 said:


> I don't understand how people think it is so easy and go just see someone you don't even know and spill everything to them. Especially someone who already has lots of anxiety


Dude shut the hell up and get some help!!

Do you need a kick in the pants to wake the hell up??

You are mentally ill. You need help. The kind of help that will make you a successful, independent, fun person to be around.

You are choosing to wallow in misery, with darkness around you. You have a choice to improve your life, or let your darkness ruin you.

Everyone's future is up to them. Your responsibility and yours alone.

Go make that appointment and go get some help. It might seem hard for you now, but once you make that appointment and speak with a professional, it will be much easier.

Get it done already man. Man up!!!

PS - I was very depressed as a teenager, awkward around girls and what not. Instead of having these hopeless thoughts like you, I chose to better myself. I purchased books on how to improve my relationship skills, communication skills, and my physical looks. I worked out at the gym to improve my body. Point is, instead of wallowing in crap, I chose to improve myself so I would be more desirable to women. And it worked, it changed my life. 

I made a conscious choice to be better, do better. Will you choose the same???


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## EleGirl

dashrendar4454 said:


> I don't understand how people think it is so easy and go just see someone you don't even know and spill everything to them. Especially someone who already has lots of anxiety


If you broke your leg, you would go to a doctor to get it set and put in a cast, right? Would you have a problem doing that?

If you had a serious infection you would go to a doctor, tell the doc what was wrong. And the doc would give you antibiotics, right?

This is no different.

You are seriously obsession over this girl. You are also having thoughts of killing her fiancé. This means that you are currently suffering from an illness, a mental illness. You go tell a doc what is going on with you. If you do not want to say much, print out what you have written on this thread and let the doc read it. There are medications that they can give you that will turn off the obsession. They can most likely also help you stop being so afraid to interact with people. 

It's no different from a broken leg... when you are a medical problem you go to a doc and get it fixed.

The reason I suggest a psychiatrist is because they can write prescriptions.

After a few visits you will get to know the psychiatrist, can build trust with them. Then you can open up if you feel safe. Just take it slow.


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## kitty2013

I PERSONALLY know and grew up with one guy similar to you. 
He fell in love with this one girl and became her stalker. He was constantly thinking about her. He developed hatred for ANY men around her. He had thought of killing.

The girl was sent away to another city by her family because they feared for her safety. He finally stabbed her mother multiple times and killed her 7 years old sister out of anger that he could not see his "love" again. Luckily the mother survived after the attack, but the little girl did not. He failed to commit suicide and is currently in jail. 
I was shocked because I knew him since I was young. The tragedy could have been prevented if he told someone about his thoughts and got help.

Obsession is dangerous, it could get out of control before you know it. One bad decision can change your life and others forever. You need help IMMEDIATELY.


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## happy as a clam

dashrendar...

I'm just gonna be blunt here. This is NOT NORMAL. YOU are not normal. Frankly, your obsession scares me.

If I had a way to contact this woman, I would tell her to put a restraining order on you.

Your thoughts are not rational. You need PROFESSIONAL help. Please get it NOW.


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## I Don't Know

Dash, love the name btw! I'm a Star Wars fan too. Ok, you won't go to a counsellor, honestly that is your best option. BUT if you won't do that then you should write her a letter and tell her all the things you've told us here. Just get it off your chest so to speak. Then give her time to think things through. Don't contact her for at least a week after you have written and mailed the letter. Patience young Jedi.


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## long_done

Let this also be a lesson for all the ladies out there. If you do not want to send the wrong signals to a guy, DO NOT give a guy mixed signals by touching, or any inappropriate social signals.

If you are flirty, we don't blame you, but be aware of the dangers out there!!!



kitty2013 said:


> I PERSONALLY know and grew up with one guy similar to you.
> He fell in love with this one girl and became her stalker. He was constantly thinking about her. He developed hatred for ANY men around her. He had thought of killing.
> 
> The girl was sent away to another city by her family because they feared for her safety. He finally stabbed her mother multiple times and killed her 7 years old sister out of anger that he could not see his "love" again. Luckily the mother survived after the attack, but the little girl did not. He failed to commit suicide and is currently in jail.
> I was shocked because I knew him since I was young. The tragedy could have been prevented if he told someone about his thoughts and got help.
> 
> Obsession is dangerous, it could get out of control before you know it. One bad decision can change your life and others forever. You need help IMMEDIATELY.


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## PBear

I Don't Know said:


> Dash, love the name btw! I'm a Star Wars fan too. Ok, you won't go to a counsellor, honestly that is your best option. BUT if you won't do that then you should write her a letter and tell her all the things you've told us here. Just get it off your chest so to speak. Then give her time to think things through. Don't contact her for at least a week after you have written and mailed the letter. Patience young Jedi.


Oh dear god! Please do not tell her all this! Unless the goal is to get a restraining order and a forced physiological evaluation!

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pidge70

PBear said:


> Oh dear god! Please do not tell her all this! Unless the goal is to get a restraining order and a forced physiological evaluation!
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Might just be the very thing this young man needs.


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## I Don't Know

PBear said:


> Oh dear god! Please do not tell her all this! Unless the goal is to get a restraining order and a forced physiological evaluation!
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


SHHHH!! I think she NEEDS to know.


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## dashrendar4454

> He developed hatred for ANY men around her. He had thought of killing.



I cannot lie while I don't think I hate them I feel really jealous of the people she interacts with in her tutoring job (where I used to be) on a daily basis




happy as a clam said:


> dashrendar...
> 
> I'm just gonna be blunt here. This is NOT NORMAL. YOU are not normal. Frankly, your obsession scares me.
> 
> If I had a way to contact this woman, I would tell her to put a restraining order on you.
> 
> Your thoughts are not rational. You need PROFESSIONAL help. Please get it NOW.


why should she? I have never hurt her. She is the one that initiated conversations with me when she saw me, I would not even know she was there that day if it weren't for her


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## norajane

dashrendar4454 said:


> why should she? I have never hurt her. She is the one that initiated conversations with me when she saw me, I would not even know she was there that day if it weren't for her


So what? That's what people do when they know somebody - they say hello and start a conversation. 

That does not mean she has any interest in you as a boyfriend. She knew you from tutoring and she spoke to you when she saw you elsewhere. I have no doubt that she speaks to many other people she knows when she runs into them somewhere. That's called ordinary social interaction.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Of course it is not easy to go and see someone.
I don't even like to take my car to the mechanic, or my self to the clinic when I know I'm sick. It's just one of those stupid things you have to do when life itself is becoming more of a nuisance with not going than it is when you do go.

The tipping point is up to you. 
You can spin your wheels and not go and keep coming here but I think it's just a different way of feeding the same obsession. 

Yah, you're anxious, it's a hassle, it's difficult.
Either you want the help or you don't.
Just make the appointment, you will have probably 3-4 months at the least waiting time so plenty of time to deal with anxiety. If it gets real bad, you'll end up in an ER with a panic attack and be given an Rx for the anxiety, or have a psych called in right then and there to eval. So no worries. Either way something's eventually going give and you'll have to deal with the consequences. You can do it in a way where you are in control of calling the shots, or you can sit back and be passive about it and let it continue to control you like the obsession is.


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## that_girl

Wow. You show signs of a stalker...which is illegal and seemingly a bit dangerous from the vibes I've gotten from this thread.

You are obsessed with someone whom you don't even know intimately. 

This is psychotic. Please get some help. Colleges usually have health clinics.


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## Jellybeans

Your first post asked:



dashrendar4454 said:


> is this a problem I should tell someone about, or will I get over it soon?


I really think you should talk to someone (professional) about this. Why are you resisting this idea even after you asked if you should do it? There is a patient confidentiality agreement between therapist/psychiatrist and their patient. 

Or I like PBear's idea that you write a letter to her explaining how you feel so she is aware of what you are thinking. Then do not contact her afterward.

Have you been in touch with her at all again?

It is a good idea for you to limit your contact with her (cease it) because of how you feel.


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## dashrendar4454

kitty2013 said:


> I PERSONALLY know and grew up with one guy similar to you.
> He fell in love with this one girl and became her stalker. He was constantly thinking about her. He developed hatred for ANY men around her. He had thought of killing.
> 
> The girl was sent away to another city by her family because they feared for her safety. He finally stabbed her mother multiple times and killed her 7 years old sister out of anger that he could not see his "love" again. Luckily the mother survived after the attack, but the little girl did not. He failed to commit suicide and is currently in jail.
> I was shocked because I knew him since I was young. The tragedy could have been prevented if he told someone about his thoughts and got help.
> 
> Obsession is dangerous, it could get out of control before you know it. One bad decision can change your life and others forever. You need help IMMEDIATELY.


this story sounds made up


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## dashrendar4454

Jellybeans said:


> Your first post asked:
> 
> 
> 
> I really think you should talk to someone (professional) about this. Why are you resisting this idea even after you asked if you should do it? There is a patient confidentiality agreement between therapist/psychiatrist and their patient.
> 
> Or I like PBear's idea that you write a letter to her explaining how you feel so she is aware of what you are thinking. Then do not contact her afterward.
> 
> Have you been in touch with her at all again?
> 
> It is a good idea for you to limit your contact with her (cease it) because of how you feel.


I have posted why it is hard for me to see a psychiatrist. I have lots of anxiety and the idea of seeing someone and spilling everything to them just makes me uncomfortable. I also keep thinking they will think I am weird or am wasting time with a petty problem. I also keep thinking that my parents could find out,


I haven't seen her for a month. We just haven't ran into each other. I know I might see her one day when I am meeting someone and she will be in the same area. I keep thinking a lot about how she might forget about me, about all the people she is interacting with everyday, and everything really just feels like a buildup to the next time I see her.


----------



## tulsy

dashrendar4454 said:


> this story sounds made up





dashrendar4454 said:


> ... I secretly switched the recorder on my phone on and recorded the entire conversation, and I listen to it over and over
> ... I have fake conversations with myself pretending it is her
> ... I also like to take a piece of paper and cut it up pretending it is her fiance, and I do imagine hurting him badly or even killing him
> ... is this a problem


Does it now?
Wow.

Get help...for all our sake.


----------



## norajane

dashrendar4454 said:


> I have posted why it is hard for me to see a psychiatrist. I have lots of anxiety and the idea of seeing someone and spilling everything to them just makes me uncomfortable. I also keep thinking they will think I am weird or am wasting time with a petty problem. I also keep thinking that my parents could find out.


Your parents can't find out. There are strict laws about patient confidentiality. Doctors cannot share information with anyone about you.

They are not going to think you are wasting time with a petty problem. This is not a petty problem. This is actually a very serious problem.

They will not think you are weird. They will think you need some help, and will give you the help you need once they understand you better and determine what your underlying issues are that are causing you to have these kinds of destructive, compulsive, dangerous thoughts.

If talking and spilling everything makes you uncomfortable, print out your opening post and give it to the psychiatrist to read. It's all there, so any doctor will have a good starting point to understanding you.

If you have lots of anxiety, a psychiatrist is exactly the person to go to. They have medications and mental exercises and breathing exercises and all kinds of therapies that can help you so you don't have to feel such great anxiety about things. Some anxiety is normal. Debilitating anxiety can be helped.

Go get help! It will change your life for the better, so you can have the kind of life you want with the kind of relationships you want. Or would you rather live your lonely, disconnected life forever? You really don't have to!


----------



## FormerSelf

If you have social anxiety, a good start would to be to unplug from isolating activities such as online gaming or television. Get into doing healthy activities that maybe you are interested in trying that have other people attending in your area like on meetup.com...just a nice, no-pressure outlet.

I know you appreciate this girl for befriending you when you don't know a lot of other females, but her friendliness does not equate with romantic interest. I worked with a young guy who basically fell in love with every girl that was nice to him, but he wasn't socially skilled in connecting with girls beyond friendship, and he was constantly frustrated when he could never get out of the friendzone and his love interests were always attracted to other guys. But his issue was mostly the fact that he believed that he would never meet someone and that made him act desperate, possessive, and creepy which scared the women away.

For now, just put finding a girlfriend out of your head, because you need to work on you first. If you truly have immobilizing social fears, then talking to a professional may help. The fact that you are getting jealous and angry thoughts cross your mind about her fiancee shows that you are way too obsessed over this ONE girl! 

That guy I mentioned earlier? He has a very happy relationship right now, because he got out there and just made friends, got involved in fixing/racing cars, and later he met an awesome girl with the same interests. It just takes time...and there are lots of available women out there...so don't feel like this is your one and only chance at love. That shows you are only looking at the situation from a very small bubble. Get out there, expand your horizons and experiences...and you will find that you will grow more and more comfortable with yourself and your ability to interact with women in confidence, instead of awkwardness.

In all seriousness, however, if you can't control your obsessiveness or if you are feeling led to harm someone, that is a problem. No simple advice can fix that, ONLY some serious talking with a professional who can help you. I think we can all relate to having a serious crush that we have obsessed over, but you must do yourself a favor and discern if you are just brokenhearted or a ticking time bomb.


----------



## kitty2013

dashrendar4454 said:


> this story sounds made up


The guy from the story is my cousin. If I made up the story, I would go to hell. It's your choice to believe it or not. My advice is still the same, please find help if you have thought of harming others.


----------



## Philat

dashrendar4454 said:


> this story sounds made up


:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:


----------



## dashrendar4454

I have been to see some doctor recently, but about anxiety in general. Not really this specific thing. 


I saw her again on Friday, we just talked about classes and stuff but when I saw her I felt this extreme surge of happiness. I am afraid though it might fade away and I "need" to see her again.


----------



## EleGirl

dashrendar4454 said:


> I have been to see some doctor recently, but about anxiety in general. Not really this specific thing. .


What happened with the doctor? Did he/she give you any mediation? Did they suggest counseling? 

You need to tell someone about this situation because you need help with it.




dashrendar4454 said:


> I saw her again on Friday, we just talked about classes and stuff but when I saw her I felt this extreme surge of happiness. I am afraid though it might fade away and I "need" to see her again.


Do you realize that your thoughts and behavior about her are extremely scary?


----------



## dashrendar4454

EleGirl said:


> What happened with the doctor? Did he/she give you any mediation? Did they suggest counseling?



it was just to talk about anxiety in general. I did not mention this specific thing. Might get medication later.


----------



## DvlsAdvc8

Dash, for EVERYONE's well being, you need to cut this off. Don't see her. Don't talk to her. The way to get over it is to stop feeding it. Keep feeding it and you WILL get worse. It will become a larger and larger fixture in your mind.

Stop with the "I wonder why" she talked or patted you - your wanting to think she's coming on to you. That's your wishful thinking, and its pure fantasy. She's not interested. She's friendly. With all these obsessive, desperate and jealous thoughts you're having, how friendly are you? Pretty creepy don't you think?

Firstly, what you've expressed is desperate and controlling - and they are HUGE turnoffs to any woman. They are even downright scary. Someone shows you a hint of affection and you're jealous of everyone else they interact with. This is extremely unhealthy. If you feed this behavior, you will eventually find trouble. Don't do that to someone.

Nip this in the bud now, and LET HER GO. It will suck, but it will eventually fade away... but not if you keep stoking the fire by seeing her. Leave her alone, for HER sake, if not your own. Then work on yourself and why you feel such desperate obsession over something so plainly friendly.


----------



## nmc

if you really care for this woman, you should leave her alone. I have a feeling you will attempt to hurt this woman or worse REALLY HURT HER... or possibly kill her. MOVE FAR AWAY FROM THIS WOMAN. you will get over it. and GO GET HELP !!!!


----------



## DvlsAdvc8

nmc said:


> if you really care for this woman, you should leave her alone. I have a feeling you will attempt to hurt this woman or worse REALLY HURT HER... or possibly kill her. MOVE FAR AWAY FROM THIS WOMAN. you will get over it. and GO GET HELP !!!!


OP, you may think comments like this are hyperbole... that you couldn't harm a fly... whatever... but THIS is how these crazy things begin. Simple obsessions and jealousy. Cut it off before you lose yourself down the rabbit hole.

Again... SHE is not interested, and that's OK. Move on. This is your chance to keep these thoughts in check and live better for it.


----------



## DvlsAdvc8

Btw... yeah, its hard to see a therapist/psychiatrist. Suck it up and grow a pair.

You have a legitimate, serious issue. Its not weak or demeaning to seek help. It takes courage to bare your inner most feelings. After a couple visits, you will grow more comfortable and learn better coping mechanisms for a healthier and happier life. In all probability, this isn't the only social issue you have.


----------



## norajane

dashrendar4454 said:


> it was just to talk about anxiety in general. I did not mention this specific thing. Might get medication later.


You have to be completely honest with the therapist about everything, including the extent of your anxiety and the extent of your unhealthy and dangerous obsession with this woman. 

If you are not completely honest, your therapist won't know how much help you need, what kind of help you need, no how to help you.

You wouldn't go to an auto shop and just tell them to replace your tires without telling them that the reason your tires are flat is that you drove into a pothole because your brakes weren't working. So why go to a therapist and only tell one part of your story? You won't actually get to the heart of the problem if you minimize your issues.


----------



## avenger55

You've got problems that you'll never solve on your own. Your posts are downright creepy, and frankly, sound like someone who can be very dangerous. You really do need professional help. The behaviors you've described of yourself paints a picture of someone who is mentally ill. Honestly, you are the type of person I can see on the news one day, and not in a good way.


----------



## dashrendar4454

> if you really care for this woman, you should leave her alone. I have a feeling you will attempt to hurt this woman or worse REALLY HURT HER... or possibly kill her. MOVE FAR AWAY FROM THIS WOMAN. you will get over it. and GO GET HELP !!!!




this makes no sense. I have never felt any desire in hurting her at all. The people that I have imagined killing are her fiance and her main male co worker. But that doesn't mean I will actually do it. If I did it I would go to prison.





> You have to be completely honest with the therapist about everything, including the extent of your anxiety and the extent of your unhealthy and dangerous obsession with this woman.



I just don't feel comfortable saying anything about it. Not to mention for all I know the doctor could get concerned and call the police or something. Also, since my parents pay for those sessions it may not be a good idea. Maybe if I find a guy on my own at my university I can tell him.




> Dash, for EVERYONE's well being, you need to cut this off. Don't see her. Don't talk to her. The way to get over it is to stop feeding it. Keep feeding it and you WILL get worse. It will become a larger and larger fixture in your mind.



the idea of never seeing her again kills me inside and makes me miserable. But not only that I think seeing her helps me. I saw her a couple weeks ago and in the weeks before that I was constantly thinking of her, being jealous of her fiance and angry, and constantly wondering if she forgot about me or doesn't want to see me. After I saw her again and noticed she was glad to see me and talk to me I now feel cooled down and actually am not thinking about it as much.


----------



## DvlsAdvc8

dashrendar4454 said:


> this makes no sense. I have never felt any desire in hurting her at all. The people that I have imagined killing are her fiance and her main male co worker. But that doesn't mean I will actually do it. If I did it I would go to prison.
> 
> ...
> 
> the idea of never seeing her again kills me inside and makes me miserable. But not only that I think seeing her helps me. I saw her a couple weeks ago and in the weeks before that I was constantly thinking of her, being jealous of her fiance and angry, and constantly wondering if she forgot about me or doesn't want to see me. After I saw her again and noticed she was glad to see me and talk to me I now feel cooled down and actually am not thinking about it as much.


Tough cookies. It doesn't help you. This is just part of the illusion. Visualize a meth addiction. You haven't had a hit in awhile and you start getting withdrawals that make you irritable, crazy and sick. You score more meth and yay, your withdrawal symptoms go away. You seriously think more meth actually HELPS?

Heads up guy. She's not thinking of you. She's thinking of her FIANCE. That's why HE is her fiancé. She's not trying to remember you, she doesn't want to see you or not see you. You are a regular person she's friendly with, like anyone else.

Your unhealthy response to that ordinary friendly interaction is a HUGE red flag that you need to stop seeing her. Seriously, why torture yourself pretending there is more to it? There is not. The sooner you drop it and go no contact, the sooner you'll have - and get PAST - those feelings of withdrawal. It DOES go away. When it does, you'll think back on cutting up paper representations of her fiancé and friends as pretty darn nuts.

Do yourself a favor here. Please. Be a man, suck it up, and move on about your business. Leave this woman alone. There is nothing but bad news for you there. If you continue seeing her and allow these feelings to fester, only bad things will happen. You supposedly care about her? Care about her enough to let her go and be happy with her fiancé. Until you do that, you can stuff the talk about how you feel about her - its all selfish.

Even if you do let her go, you should seek therapy. This thing that lives inside you should be explored and you will be a better person for facing it.


----------



## HuggyBear

This sounds like the stupid drivel uttered by so many pathetic losers who feel they are somehow "entitled" to their own desires.

Why would ANY somewhat intelligent woman be interested in a lesser - someone whos hand she had to hold and guide through a simple college course - one she EASILY was proficient in? Why???

I'm sure she's happy in the fact that she helped you, but that's all in the past. You weren't the only one.

Let her be happy she helped you when you needed it. You should be happy that she was able to. That's all the relationship was... some kind of dumb guy who needed help, and it was her job to help you.

Anything else you do is simply going to make her unhappy. Peeing on her life parade isn't going to benefit you in any way.

Grow up, and NOW.


----------



## imtamnew

Come to India and go trek in the himalayas.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## dashrendar4454

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> Tough cookies. It doesn't help you. This is just part of the illusion. Visualize a meth addiction. You haven't had a hit in awhile and you start getting withdrawals that make you irritable, crazy and sick. You score more meth and yay, your withdrawal symptoms go away. You seriously think more meth actually HELPS?
> 
> Heads up guy. She's not thinking of you. She's thinking of her FIANCE. That's why HE is her fiancé. She's not trying to remember you, she doesn't want to see you or not see you. You are a regular person she's friendly with, like anyone else.
> 
> Your unhealthy response to that ordinary friendly interaction is a HUGE red flag that you need to stop seeing her. Seriously, why torture yourself pretending there is more to it? There is not. The sooner you drop it and go no contact, the sooner you'll have - and get PAST - those feelings of withdrawal. It DOES go away. When it does, you'll think back on cutting up paper representations of her fiancé and friends as pretty darn nuts.
> 
> Do yourself a favor here. Please. Be a man, suck it up, and move on about your business. Leave this woman alone. There is nothing but bad news for you there. If you continue seeing her and allow these feelings to fester, only bad things will happen. You supposedly care about her? Care about her enough to let her go and be happy with her fiancé. Until you do that, you can stuff the talk about how you feel about her - its all selfish.
> 
> Even if you do let her go, you should seek therapy. This thing that lives inside you should be explored and you will be a better person for facing it.


I will never purposefully stop seeing her. Never. Like I said she is one of only a couple girls that actually socialize with me. So other people can socialize with tons of girls but I can't even have one girl acquaintance? No, that is not right. The obsession, of course is important to end and that is why I am asking for advice, but never seeing her again? No that will never happen.


----------



## Jellybeans

Never say never. 
You could move. She could move. Life is that way.

As for discussing with someone, everyone has already told you to talk to a therapist. They are the ones to go to because they won't share what you say with others.


----------



## GusPolinski

dashrendar4454 said:


> I will never purposefully stop seeing her. Never. Like I said she is one of only a couple girls that actually socialize with me. So other people can socialize with tons of girls but I can't even have one girl acquaintance? No, that is not right. The obsession, of course is important to end and that is why I am asking for advice, *but never seeing her again? No that will never happen.*


It's going to happen.


----------



## DvlsAdvc8

dashrendar4454 said:


> I will never purposefully stop seeing her. Never. Like I said she is one of only a couple girls that actually socialize with me. So other people can socialize with tons of girls but I can't even have one girl acquaintance? No, that is not right. The obsession, of course is important to end and that is why I am asking for advice, but never seeing her again? No that will never happen.


The difference is that you're not cutting up representations of other girl's friends. You won't be school forever. You won't be around her unless you stalk her. Don't be that guy.

Wanna know why women don't tend to socialize with you? Most can smell this kind of behavior on a guy like a really bad cologne.

We've given you advice. You don't want to hear it.


----------



## dashrendar4454

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> The difference is that you're not cutting up representations of other girl's friends. You won't be school forever. You won't be around her unless you stalk her. Don't be that guy.
> 
> *Wanna know why women don't tend to socialize with you? Most can smell this kind of behavior on a guy like a really bad cologne.
> *
> We've given you advice. You don't want to hear it.


this is not true, I do that stuff in private. People who do talk to me consider me a very nice and kind person. It almost makes me wonder if I should act more boisterous since it seems those people get more attention almost. 



It is not that I don't take the advice, it is just that there is no way for me to do it.


----------



## norajane

dashrendar4454 said:


> It is not that I don't take the advice, it is just that there is no way for me to do it.


There's no way for you to be completely honest with your therapist? That's BS.


----------



## dashrendar4454

norajane said:


> There's no way for you to be completely honest with your therapist? That's BS.


yes, if I tell him some of the things I am thinking, who knows what he would think. He might react strongly and call the police. You never know and it is a rational fear I think.


----------



## Nikolas

Obsessive and possessive behavior.. If I was the Girl I'd have my doors locked, NO scratch that, I'd change my name and move, then I'd have the same security system Olly North had installed on his home.


----------



## Nikolas

Seriously, I was about 21 also when I had a crush on a girl and it was also in college, we went out on 1 date I couldn't get her out of my mind after that, always wondering who she's with, I was stalking her in a way and didn't realize it, that's how obsessed I was with her, When summer break came I got out with my friends which helped me get her out of my mind, I was even checking out other girls, went out with one and got laid, then when school started up again the girl I had a crush didn't look good anymore, she didn't change a bit, she's didn't do anything for me anymore, I felt I could do better and I did..

Looking back at that, my problem was low self confidence, once my confidence shot up I felt I could have any girl I wanted, that's when I felt in control. To this day I still feel that way and I'm 54 years old.

When a girl takes a liking to you it doesn't always mean she's interested romantically.. If your ever rejected, plant this thought in your head; "its her loss"

My advice for you is to socialize with the ladies more, that will help build your self confidence, I'm not suggesting you ask every girl out on a date, just communicate, try to make a friend, be yourself, in turn they will like you for who you are.. 

161 Million Women in the USA and your hooked on 1.. You need to get over it.


----------



## DvlsAdvc8

dashrendar4454 said:


> yes, if I tell him some of the things I am thinking, who knows what he would think. He might react strongly and call the police. You never know and it is a rational fear I think.


The likelihood of that is low - pretty much only if she recognizes you as an immediate threat to the safety of others: ie, if you said "I want to kill him. I've planned it out. I'm going to do it." The fact that you've sought therapy would argue that you're not.

Dash, your root problem is likely low self-esteem - which might not even mean what you think it does. A therapist will really help you sort yourself out. Right now, you're really creepy. Let it fester, and you'll become dangerous.

Please, put your worries and your ego down, and seek a therapist. You'll be glad you did.


----------



## treyvion

:scratchhead:


dashrendar4454 said:


> I will never purposefully stop seeing her. Never. Like I said she is one of only a couple girls that actually socialize with me. So other people can socialize with tons of girls but I can't even have one girl acquaintance? No, that is not right. The obsession, of course is important to end and that is why I am asking for advice, but never seeing her again? No that will never happen.


Now guys can see how someone can want to F them up over their own dang woman...:scratchhead:

You guys brains will conjure up all types of bad scenarios and put a man in a bad light who generally treats a lady well. 

It's stupid, guy.:scratchhead:


----------



## LastDance

dashrendar4454 said:


> I don't understand how people think it is so easy and go just see someone you don't even know and spill everything to them. Especially someone who already has lots of anxiety



I haven't read this through to the end yet, so this may be a repeat of what someone else has already said, if so I apologize. 

I have been in your shoes when it comes to seeking help. I was wanting help but scared to go get it. I mean terrified. What if they didn't believe me? What if they laughed at me? What if they thought I was a nut and locked me up? And I was embarrassed and more than a little ashamed. 

My husband was cheating your see and I wanted to hurt the other woman so much. Like she'd hurt me. And I even thought about hurting my husband too. I was a mess. Moods all over the place. And this driving need to hurt this woman was taking over my life. I am not a violent person by nature but it seemed I was quickly becoming one. And I started to follow them around just getting more angry. 

I made and skipped out of many appointments. I wanted to feel better. But another part of me wanted to do these awful things. And I couldn't bear the thought of him with someone else. So I think I can understand a bit where you are coming from.

I didn't have a lot of close friends at the time and was avoiding family. I didn't want to explain what was going on in my mind or my life to anyone. It took a while for me to finally call a crisis center. I was at the end of my rope and thought I'd die if something didn't change or someone else would. I didn't care much about myself by then but I didn't want to hurt my husband. Not really. Not like that. 

Back to that phone call. It literally saved me. It took a few calls before I would let the counselor come see me. He actually came to me. How weird is that?? But he came and it helped build a little more trust for me so I could talk some more to him. I was so scared I was shaking. 

I know reaching out for help can be a very scary thing. I've been there so I can relate. Maybe a phone call could be a step you'd feel safer taking. It was for me. 

BTW I had a chemical imbalance. I didn't believe that initially to be honest. But I did decide to try at least to make myself feel better. It took maybe 3 weeks to really notice any improvement. May have been as little as two, but it took longer to realize I was feeling better. Know what I mean? 

But the obsessive thoughts and my need to act on them did go away. I hope you will consider making that call. It took me several tries before I was brave enough to say anything when they answered on the other end btw. I ended up hanging up like three or four times. And it was damn hard to get the words out too. But once I got talking it got easier to talk. 

Take care.


----------



## LastDance

dashrendar4454 said:


> yes, if I tell him some of the things I am thinking, who knows what he would think. He might react strongly and call the police. You never know and it is a rational fear I think.



I flatly told my crisis worker what I was considering and no one called the police or reported me to anyone. MY conversations, our conversations really, were *protected by law and they could not share them without my consent with anyone. *

People can sometimes think some pretty awful things and ya know what, it's still in the realm of normal for what you are experiencing.  I was fully expecting the nice men in the white lab coats to come in an take me away. I was stunned when the doctor just calmly told me it was normal for my mind to be reacting the way it was due to all the stressors in my life. 

These people, shrinks and counselors, are trained for a long time and are actually used to hearing all kinds of things that aren't considered normal by most of society. But the human mind is this amazing, terrible, wonderful thing and society would be shocked at how much weird goes on in there. 

You are in college, which can be very stressful, you don't have a lot of close friends from the sounds of it. You can't confide in your parents which just adds to your burden. You met this young lady because you needed help in at least one subject... more stress... Go back to see the doctor. I'm thinking an anti-anxiety med would do you some good. It's a starting point on helping yourself. Baby steps will get you there. Just be patient with yourself. 

And think about making that call. It may take a few times before you can commit to actually talking with someone but hey, you're human and sometimes it takes several tries to get it done. 

Hang in there and maybe take a step or two. I wish you the best and hope you'll take a leap of faith in yourself and the world to set things right for you. You are far to young to have to deal with all this drama. And so is your former tutor. But this is about you. Do this for you. You are so worth the effort.


----------



## dashrendar4454

since around August I have felt a lot better about this, I ran into her a couple of times and we caught up but I was still feeling a lot better, so I thought this obsession is over. 



but then when I saw her again recently, it all came back. I now am obsessing over her again and I think it feels worse. I feel terrible. I feel full of rage and almost feel like hurting myself. I feel worthless and feel like I can never get a girl or succeed in anything. This whole thing is just adding to my already depressed feeling.


----------



## Chana

She isn't attracted to you. She isn't 'socialising' with you. In her mind I bet she's just chatting to someone she once tutored, on the rare occasion she runs into him. Some people are just friendly (and I doubt she would be if she knew what you were thinking).

You knew her in a very limited context, she is not the person you have built her up to be in your mind. There is no future for you with her. 

As long as you continue to try and create instances where you see her your unhealthy obsession will continue. 

You will never get a girl while you are obsessing over this one because SHE IS TAKEN. SHE IS NOT INTERESTED IN YOU.

The reason you need to talk to a counsellor or psychologist is because even if you never see her again, you will just latch onto the next girl who is nice to you. 

You need help.


----------



## EleGirl

The advice is the same as before. Please see a therapist. You need help handling this and getting the obsession out of your head.


----------



## dashrendar4454

intheory said:


> OP,
> 
> This girl is actually irrelevant. I know that sounds crazy to you. But it's true.
> 
> *You are 22 years old. You haven't had a girlfriend yet, correct? You describe your parents as cold.*
> 
> So, when is the last time someone hugged you, held you? When have you ever been kissed?
> 
> Your former tutor sounds like the only person that you have had tactile contact with.
> 
> Touch is very important to humans. You noted it a couple of times that she touched you.
> 
> There's no crime in being at low ebb in life. I understand how you might feel.
> 
> I've had countless, painful, serious, crushes in my life. I bet everyone here posting has.
> 
> But you desiring to hurt this woman's fiance. Think about that for a moment. What has he ever done to you? You have probably never ever met or seen him. He might a wonderful guy you would like.
> 
> As someone already stated; if you loved this girl - you would be happy that she is in love with her fiance and you would wish her well.
> 
> The fact that she is taken already, means she is not the one for you.
> 
> She is a little bit older. Her maturity might give you comfort. As your tutor she probably seemed to be "caring" for you. As you are single and lonely right now; that made you vulnerable to the attention she gave you.
> 
> If you had your own girlfriend; believe me, you would soon lose much of your obsession with former-tutor-girl.
> 
> You should take this opportunity of being single to focus on developing you.
> 
> As others have said, get involved in groups that share your interests.
> 
> Do you like science fiction? I think there are dating sites geared to that. There are ones dedicated to "geeks" and "nerds". And I use the term geek and nerd in a positive sense.
> 
> I understand you are resistant to counseling. *I wish you could change your mind on that.*
> 
> If you hurt any of this girl's friends/fiance; imagine how hurt she would be. You don't want to do that. You like her.
> 
> I've read a lot of posts here that seem to be making fun of you; and belittling you for having these feelings. Sorry about that.
> 
> But a lot of folks have been urging you to get help, because they are concerned about you, this girl and her fiance.
> 
> This might go away on it's own. But there's a good chance you will transfer this need to someone else.
> 
> The key is you. Not anyone else. This girl is a symptom; not the cause.
> 
> I just typed "how to stop obsessing over someone" in my search engine. There is so much info out there. You recognize you need some assistance; 'cause you came here to TAM.
> 
> Take care of yourself. And treat others like you'd like to be treated. That will stop you from doing the wrong thing.



no never, also you could say that is true. 

also, it doesn't matter to me if he is a nice guy, I just can't help but hate him because I feel said I meet a girl I like and can talk to and she is already with another guy


----------



## ConanHub

LOL! You funny! OP. Therapy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## dashrendar4454

intheory said:


> dash,
> 
> What I'm about to suggest is kind of weird; and I hope you don't get upset by it, but here goes.
> 
> Since you are idealizing this woman and putting her on a pedestal; it might really help you to make her a human in your thoughts.
> 
> One way to do this is to think about the fact that she has disgusting body functions, just like you, me and the rest of flawed humanity.
> 
> Right now, she's an angel. She pi$$es perfume and sh!ts bars of soap.
> 
> So, please try to think of her doing all the nasty, crummy things that we all do.
> 
> 
> She gets goob in the corners of her eyes.
> 
> She has picked her nose at some time in her adult life.
> 
> She's had real nasty pus-filled zits; and she's popped them.
> 
> When she wakes up in the morning, her breath is bad.
> 
> She burps.
> 
> If she doesn't use deodorant, she gets b.o.
> 
> She pees, poops, farts and menstruates.
> 
> Her feet get sweaty and stinky.
> 
> She's done things in her life that she isn't proud of.
> 
> That was kind of raunchy of me to say this stuff - but it's all true. Can you _try_ to see her in this light? She's no better or worse than the rest of us - but I bet you don't think of her like this at all.
> 
> Have you been checking out any dating sites/groups that have single women who are into the things that you are? That would be a constructive thing to do.


how does that help? Whenever I think of anyone doing regardless of who they are I might get grossed out for a few seconds but it won't make me think differently of the actual person


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## Flying_Dutchman

You're going to be a PITA, aren't you, Dash? I can tell.

Four walls I could be bashing my head against but, noooo, like a fool the lure of cerebral masochism has me by the 'nads.

We could be twins. Both of us gluttons for punishment. (It can be fun when you learn how to switch it off, ya know).

Obsessional unrequited love + limerence.

That's you, Dash. Yearning for the unobtainable and hoping that your longing will be reciprocated.

It won't be.

Guess who that hurts.

Yep. YOU.

Whack the fiancé and you'll end up in jail. You'll never see her again. They won't even let you have her picture.

You're in a lose:lose predicament,, but you do have a slim chance,,, about as slim as a ciggy paper,, but it's the only chance you have. Check it out.

If you go and get yourself better, while you're doing it, she might dump the fiancé. If you're all better, you could approach her as a rational human being and maybe,, just maybe,, you never know.

What I do know is, if you gotta hold of her now, you'd never hang on to her. You wouldn't want her out of your site. You'd hate her talking to other guys. You'd píss her off and the only way you'd stop her walking away would be to duct-tape her to a chair. She'd hate you. You'd hate yourself.

Letting her go now is the least painful option for you. Get the help you need and a faint glimmer of hope remains. Little hope is better than no hope.

There is no other option for you that won't hurt you more by the day.

Believe it. It's true,, as I suspect you'll soon discover as you continue to ignore all the advice people are giving you.

You bemoan other guys having plenty of girls while you only have one. That's cuz other guys look at other girls, Dash. You only have eyes for one.

Lil Miss Perfect could be tracking you like a bloodhound right now - younger, prettier, gravity-defying tìts - and you wouldn't even notice.

Open yer frìggin' eyes, man. Not just to the single, available hotties,, but to yourself. If you got Ms Pedestal to talk to you while you're less than well,, you can get other girls to talk to you (and fvck your brains out) when you're all rational and better.

You have two options and only two.

- 1. Wallow in your current state of deteriorating, abject misery. At home or in jail.

- 2. Get help. Get happy and open your eyes to all the women in the world instead of fixating on the unicorn.

You'll be MUCH happier if you pick option 2, Dash. Really you will.

Nobody in the world has an option 3 that's better for you. Pick option 2. Not for us. Not for womankind but for yourself.

Take the plunge, Dash. You won't be sorry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dashrendar4454

Flying_Dutchman said:


> You're going to be a PITA, aren't you, Dash? I can tell.
> 
> Four walls I could be bashing my head against but, noooo, like a fool the lure of cerebral masochism has me by the 'nads.
> 
> We could be twins. Both of us gluttons for punishment. (It can be fun when you learn how to switch it off, ya know).
> 
> Obsessional unrequited love + limerence.
> 
> That's you, Dash. Yearning for the unobtainable and hoping that your longing will be reciprocated.
> 
> It won't be.
> 
> Guess who that hurts.
> 
> Yep. YOU.
> 
> Whack the fiancé and you'll end up in jail. You'll never see her again. They won't even let you have her picture.
> 
> You're in a lose:lose predicament,, but you do have a slim chance,,, about as slim as a ciggy paper,, but it's the only chance you have. Check it out.
> 
> If you go and get yourself better, while you're doing it, she might dump the fiancé. If you're all better, you could approach her as a rational human being and maybe,, just maybe,, you never know.
> 
> What I do know is, if you gotta hold of her now, you'd never hang on to her. You wouldn't want her out of your site. You'd hate her talking to other guys. You'd píss her off and the only way you'd stop her walking away would be to duct-tape her to a chair. She'd hate you. You'd hate yourself.
> 
> Letting her go now is the least painful option for you. Get the help you need and a faint glimmer of hope remains. Little hope is better than no hope.
> 
> There is no other option for you that won't hurt you more by the day.
> 
> Believe it. It's true,, as I suspect you'll soon discover as you continue to ignore all the advice people are giving you.
> 
> You bemoan other guys having plenty of girls while you only have one. That's cuz other guys look at other girls, Dash. You only have eyes for one.
> 
> Lil Miss Perfect could be tracking you like a bloodhound right now - younger, prettier, gravity-defying tìts - and you wouldn't even notice.
> 
> Open yer frìggin' eyes, man. Not just to the single, available hotties,, but to yourself. If you got Ms Pedestal to talk to you while you're less than well,, you can get other girls to talk to you (and fvck your brains out) when you're all rational and better.
> 
> You have two options and only two.
> 
> - 1. Wallow in your current state of deteriorating, abject misery. At home or in jail.
> 
> - 2. Get help. Get happy and open your eyes to all the women in the world instead of fixating on the unicorn.
> 
> You'll be MUCH happier if you pick option 2, Dash. Really you will.
> 
> Nobody in the world has an option 3 that's better for you. Pick option 2. Not for us. Not for womankind but for yourself.
> 
> Take the plunge, Dash. You won't be sorry.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's not like I would not like to meet other girls, but I don't talk to people unless they talk to me first


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## DvlsAdvc8

So talk to people first.


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## dashrendar4454

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> So talk to people first.




that will likely never happen


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## unbelievable

dashrendar4454 said:


> there is this tutor I worked with in college for my math class. She is about 28 and I am 22. One thing I notice My class ended but I still see her around a lot on campus and we chat a lot. I have asked questions about this situation before. I realize I have a big crush on her and think about her a lot, but I have zero chance with her because she is engaged and she is older. But despite that I have developed some kind of obsession with her. I think about her all the time and the last time we spoke I secretly switched the recorder on my phone on and recorded the entire conversation, and I listen to it over and over
> 
> 
> and the biggest thing, i keep thinking about the next time I see her, I am constantly planning everything about that next time, like exactly what to say or talk about. I have fake conversations with myself pretending it is her. I also feel really mad and jealous I can't get with her
> 
> the days I have seen her have been the main highlights for me for this entire year, every time between those days and even right now just feels like a build up to the next time I see her.
> 
> honestly, I can't stand that she is with another guy, whenever I see that ring on her finger I want to grab it and smash it to a million pieces. I also like to take a piece of paper and cut it up pretending it is her fiance, and I do imagine hurting him badly or even killing him, I know it is wrong but I can't help myself
> 
> 
> is this a problem I should tell someone about, or will I get over it soon? This girl is also rather touchy feely, always patting me on the back or shoulder or side. I wonder why. also, she was my tutor but I still see her around and we chat. She was the one that initiated the first conversation when she saw me, I never initiate conversations with anyone let alone girls


You have a major screw loose and you need to get yourself some professional mental hygiene before someone like me locks you away for a very long time. Sorry for the bluntness, but you very seriously need to talk to a professional and you need to do it quickly before these thoughts guide you to do something from which you will never recover. 

In all 50 states there are laws against stalking and most also have laws about secretly recording someone's phone calls. Just try to get a job with a stalking charge on your rap sheet. Your tutor patted you on the back. Doesn't mean she wants to knock boots or get married. I pet my dog and we aren't engaged. I pat my police officers on the back when they do a good job but we have no plans to hook up. 

If this woman is still your tutor, fire her and get another, preferably a male. Somewhere on your campus there are counselors or a dean or campus police. Find one and lay this stuff on them. They will know the resources in your area to get you some help and to help keep all concerned safe. Good luck.


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## DvlsAdvc8

dashrendar4454 said:


> that will likely never happen


It's like anything else in your life. It doesn't tend to change unless you change it.

I used to be the shy guy. I know it can be done. So it all just depends on what's important to you.


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## droll

If you don't wanna see a counselor, just talk to someone else regarding your problem, a friend or any you could talk to. And you could avoid seeing her as the start of solving this problem, or you could see her as your close friend and not as your crush, but I know it's hard, but you should do it.


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## dashrendar4454

another update about a year later



I feel a little better about it than last year where everyday I was feeling terrible but whenever I see her I feel happy still but then soon after that I feel sad because I know I can never get with her. I still really hate her fiance.


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## EleGirl

I'm glad that some things are getting better.

I do wish you would go see a counselor about this so that you can hopefully get rid of the pain you feel.


----------

