# Just divorced...my story



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

So much for my user name, third time is NOT the charm for me! 

My now ex husband and I had been first loves in childhood. We met in the fifth grade, and were bf/gf on and off through jr high. The last time we broke up, he got together with the girl he eventually married. They were married for 19 years.

I saw on Facebook that they had divorced last May. I sent him a message and he replied with his phone number saying to text any time. He also asked if I knew anyone looking for a husband! (??) So he and I ended up meeting up in very early June. We clicked immediately. We were so natural and at ease with each other, we even talked the same! It was like coming home. We feel crazy in love, and he wanted to propose to me after only 3 weeks! I told him we couldnt do that , that my daughter would freak out. (she was 14 at the time) He was so crazy about me, and was just chomping at the bit to marry me! So he waited until the first part of August and took me out to dinner and proposed. We got married at the very end of September and took a short honyemoon in Las Vegas. I could not believe how lucky I was! I was in heaven! 

My daughter and I moved a state over to move into his house in November. We had waited until the rooms he had added to his house were done. He was in such a hurry to get us there, he arranged to have us moved a few days early, and I wasnt even ready yet. He got us moved while I was at work one day, and it was a relief to not have to deal with it. Well when I got to his house, the majority of my things had been put into the garage! :scratchhead: The furniture was inside, but boxes of my personal stuff and other things were all in the garage. Also back at my apartment, the things that they didnt know what to do with all got piled into the middle of the living room!  I felt really violated by that. Maybe it was an over reaction, since I was dealing with giving up my independence. 

He had had a volatile relationship with his ex wife. He had told me all about their relationship, and it was so dysfunctional, I just couldnt believe it. Everyone always thought they were the golden couple...yeah not so much. That was a play they put on for the world. He had told me how for so many years, he was so repulsed by her, didnt want to touch her, that she was such a crabby ***** all the time, and that her and their son had issues as well. He allowed her to have sex with other men, because that was the only way he could get aroused enough by her to be with her. That led to her having other relationships and actual cheating. He also had a serious relationship with another woman (married also) for a few years. He had ended that and was trying to get thing better between them, but she continued cheating and using drugs and alcohol while out with people half her age. He finally got fed up and divorced her. 

They hated each other for a long time, there was a period that they would only communicate through me. Then it seemed almost overnight that they were able to be amicable and talk to each other. He had always let me see what they were talking about. Then it got to the point that he wasnt sharing it with me, because he said that I got too upset about things. Sometimes I did, because she was sharing too much of her problems with him, and many times was saying negative stuff about me, and he would never stand up for me to her. I would ask how he could let her talk about me like that, he said he was trying to keep the peace. He knew coming into our relationship that I had some trust and security issues from the relationship before him, and had been supportive and open, giving passwords, telling me that I could see his phone, etc. But now, he was being secretive. I finally did snoop in his phone a couple of times. He always deleted his texts, sometimes as he was going along, other times when he finished a conversation...he did this with everyone. 

She called him at work so that I wouldnt know, or know what they were talking about. She called him about EVERYTHING! All her personal issues! He would only tell me if I asked. He always said what I dont know wont hurt me, which pissed me off royally because thats the cheater's motto. He said they had to do that or I got too upset. Her boyfriend was also having issues with this. My husband would tell me that I'm just insecure, that I didnt trust him. He always seemed to know when I would check his phone. I found that he had copied her in on an email he sent me, telling me after I had emailed him a very emotional, personal email about us, that he didnt think he was marriage material, and wasnt sure that this was going to work out. There were never any emails about them getting back together, or things like that, but they were just too personal. He tended to hardly talk at home, but if she called or texted, she got his full attention and a long conversation. All this time, I had been begging and pleading with him to stop the personal contact with her, to set some boundaries. They had kids together, so she was always going to be there, and I felt that they were overstepping. He told me that my insecurity and mistrust were driving him away. This had consumed me, I was unhappy all the time. I know that is probably not the way to handle it, but it just ate me alive. I had thought about leaving when he flat out told me no, that he wasnt cutting her out, or setting boundaries, but thought it was entirely too early to bail out. I really wanted my marriage to work out for a change.

We started counseling. I agreed to let this go, and I did try, I really did. He agreed to try and be more open with me. We had been doing really well, I had thought. We had been to counseling about 3 times I guess, maybe 4. The last week we were together, we had a really great weekend together, which had included sex and going out with family...we had even gone to a sex store together. The next day, it was like he flipped a switch on me. He completely withdrew from me. Him not talking wasnt so unusual, but him turning his back on me in bed WAS. He did this every night until we went to our counselor on that Thursday, which is when he told me he went to his lawyer that day to file for divorce. (note, he also copied his ex wife in on the initial email he sent to his attorney about a divorce!!) I was devastated, crushed. He told me how much his kids hated me, and that he couldnt take me looking over his shoulder all the time. Now he was in as big a hurry to divorce me as he was to marry me a year ago. We were divorced in two weeks. I had to move in with my sister because I need to save some money to find a place for my daughter and I, so am feeling very misplaced, and my daughter is also very pissed off about this whole thing, which she is primarily blaming on me. She says he didnt cheat on me. 

The saddest part of this is that I want him back! WHY do I want him back?? He got back together with his ex! Of course he did! And guess what, she ALREADY cheated on him with her now ex boyfriend! I TOLD him that she couldnt be trusted! But, he is going to stay with her for their kids. I'm sorry but that to me is just absurd, what a lie! Their kids are 14 and 16, they are not little children. I though that when she did this, that he would want me back. Part of me had a feeling that he was going to do this. Anyway thats my story, thank you if you have read this whole thing. There has been more drama to this including the ex wife's boyfriend contacting me to tell me of their emotionally intimate relationship..unfortunately he was too late, my ex had already dropped the D bomb on me. 

WHY do I want him back?? So many lies! Such deceit! What is the matter with me??


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

i hate to say it but you were his rebound & because it was someone he's known for years you were safe to him, i'm so sorry for you & what your going through, i also did not set boundaries in my marriage(separated 5 mos now) for my exwife. it hurt my wife badly & i blew it off to keep the peace, to this day though i still cannot stand my exwife at all !!!! she would also tell me personal issues about her that i never stopped her because i didnt want to hurt her feelings, all serious issues that i did, i now have set major boundaries in place & regret not seeing that for myself. i'm sorry this happened to you, read & post as much as you can, it'll help, join a gym, get ic, talk to dr about meds if nec, we're here for you


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Thanks for your reply.

I go back and forth with my feelings. Sometimes, I blame myself for handling things the way I did, like if I had just kept my feelings to myself, maybe everyone would have been happy and we would still be together. But then other times, I think, how else COULD I have handled it?? This was something that upset me on every level. And I was being dismissed. He was discussing our relationship with her, and the crazy thing is that SHE was the cause of our issues! Though he would say otherwise, that I was the cause because I got upset about this. If they had wanted to be friendly, I wouldnt have had a problem with it. What I had a problem with was that he was confiding in HER and shutting me out. He was there for HER. Him forwarding her my personal emails was such a violation to me. And according to her ex bf they would laugh at me over them.  (he saw the emails)

Anyone have suggestions on what I could have/should have done differently?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I'm sitting here fighting myself not to text him. He told me the other day he isnt talking to me for a while because of all the drama that has been going on with the four of us. WTF is wrong with me!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You guys got married way too fast. 
There were a lot of red flags when I was reading your story. The drugs, alcohol, saying he wanted his wife to sleep w/ other men cause that's the only way he'd get aroused were enough for me to read.

Do not text him. Can you get an annullment? Next time, take your time dating someone. Getting married within a matter of weeks after dating someone (anew) is not a good idea, IMO.

Take your time and detach from him. No contact except for legalities.


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## ImStillHere (Apr 25, 2012)

3Xacharm, 

Based on your story, I HIGHLY recommend reading Women Who Love Too Much. 

And, keep posting here. It helps.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

3x

What you should have done is kicked him in the balls!

I am glad you got out of that mess.

Leave him and his crazy family in the dust where they belong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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