# My MIL rant



## HappyHappyJoyJoy (Feb 24, 2012)

I just need to vent so forgive me. Married 21 years, mid 40s, 3 kids (tween/teens), 1 step-son (adult). My in-laws are wonderful people on the surface, but it’s what’s underneath.

I’ve tried talking to DH about my issues with his family, but he doesn’t understand where I’m coming from. He’s conveniently forgotten most of what I’m about to tell you, which doesn’t help. And no, he doesn’t support me. At. All.

My marriage has had its ups and downs, but for the most part we’re happy. We only ever argue about his family. No one in DH has been married except for MILs sister, who wed a few years after hubs and I. That sister is also one year older than DH. And DH also has a sister a year younger than him. This is important to understand the dynamics here. Anyhoo, it started at the wedding when MIL decided to arrive and walk down the aisle in a color that was absolutely not the wedding color. She stood out in pictures like a sore thumb. I didn’t say anything. I should’ve seen it as a red flag. Even told SIL at the wedding that I was excited to have a new sister. Bad idea. After we got married MIL and SIL (they’re attached at the hip) would visit and spend the night anytime they wanted (they live 2hrs away…together…and have for the entire duration of our marriage). MIL makes passive aggressive comments about how I dress my kids, my decisions on their schooling, and sometimes she’ll stop herself from making a comment by saying, “let me just stay in my lane.”

Some other antics of hers are bringing a brochure of wedding rings to my home asking DH to get her one of the two that she picked. Calling a day before Mother’s Day to say she bought herself a $200 gift and he just needs to talk with his sister on how they’re going to pay for it. Calling a day after we celebrate our wedding anniversary to say he never takes her out one-on-one. Calling at 7am with, “You know I wouldn’t call you if I didn’t need you,” for him to drive the two hours and put up curtains or change a lightbulb. And of course he ends up staying all day. The daily phone calls where she starts with Hiiiiii (insert name) like a little girl would, or as if he’s her man, and she calls him my love. I could go on and on.

Then there’s the sister. She has been absolutely, 99% awful to me. Ignoring my presence on holidays in front of everyone, including my kids. Like actually turning her back to me at the table and not speaking to me. And do you think anyone said anything to her? Nope. Visiting my stepson as a family (4 hrs away) and she ignores me just to make it clear I’m not really a part. Asking my husband to leave me home because this time when the family goes out, they want it to be “just the family.” Texting DH things like “you and the kids” when referring to my family. There was an incident at Thanksgiving where his family made me so uncomfortable that I decided I’d never go back. That incident also led to the women in his family (his mom, sister, and aunt) calling me at the same time to tell me just how unimportant me and any issues I have with them are.

But they also know how to fake it. Sending me trash bags of clothes that SIL doesn’t want anymore (basically, I’m the thrift store, half the stuff isn’t usable). Occasionally asking how I’m doing. Getting me a Christmas gift (step-son’s mom got gifts early on too, so doesn’t really say much). The MILs sister sending me messages with “Love you” at the end. So effing confusing. But requests to visit are saved for DH and the kids. FIL is very close to MIL though they never married and aren’t together. He, too, ignores the fact that we share the same last name. And every time they call, hubs makes it happen. They don’t visit us at all anymore, so he goes to them at every whim. 

I’ve told my husband that me not going with him on visits was their design. He seems to think it’s my problem if I don’t want to go. He told me he doesn’t care what I say or think, that if his mother needs him he’s going to be there for her. Admirable. Consider, however, that MIL has five grown brothers who live literally 5 MINUTES FROM HER, whom she never calls for these projects, yet they’re there all the time. 

And hubs visits them, no kids, no me, at least 4 times a month or more. Even went without us on Father’s Day. He says he’s “working” when he goes and that they only call him for work, but that sounds a lot like gaslighting to me. They have conversations, make plans, talk about DHs health, all without my involvement. It’s irritating. 

Now to be fair, and this is DH only standing argument, I did get an apology once for the mistreatment by his sister. It was an apology in the sense that she used the words, but not sincere. That doesn’t matter to DH. She apologized. That’s it.

And their behavior hasn’t changed. Sometimes I can’t tell if they do care or not, and it’s driving me insane. It wouldn’t matter so much if DH empathized with me. Right now it feels like us and them, and I don’t even know if the us is me with the kids or me, the kids, and DH. But he’s definitely a part of them.

This is the thorn in the side of our marriage. I can’t fathom leaving my husband due to his family; everything else is so good, but I certainly can’t live like this. I don’t see it changing. I have no one to talk to about this. Thanks for listening.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I would suggest you both find a good marriage counsellor who can work with you through all this. It's something that you need to agree on, but at the moment its coming between you.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Your problem isn’t with your in-laws it’s with the weak excuse for a man who you married. Cut them off completely, no birthday or Christmas cards or gifts, no visits and no phone calls. And don’t let your kids visit either. 
Jus live your life like they don’t exist.


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## Teacherwifemom (5 mo ago)

He told you he doesn’t care what you say or think, and you think everything else is really good? Some of these things alone aren’t really all that strange, but definitely wrapped up in a package I can see how frustrating it would be, especially since they’re 4 hours away, round trip. So he’s essentially gone one full weekend day a week? That’s lousy. I’m not sure there’s much anyone can offer since he doesn’t see any red flags and doesn’t particularly care how they treat you. If my in laws were in any way, shape or form rude to me, and dh didn’t have my back, that would seep into the entire marriage and be a huge problem for me because I’d be so livid, and I’d stay that way. It seems like they’re usually just at the brink with you - enough that you see it but they can play it different with hubby. Do you have local family? I’d just stay away but the more you stay away and the more he goes the more your feelings are going to snowball. Okay, so here’s what I’d do. I’d go to the holidays. I’d insist on getting some of them back at my house. Why are you guys always traveling when you have the kids? I’m thinking grandma’s house isn’t that much fun for the teens. Get the holidays back! I’d be lovely. This will make them be lovely, and any time someone treats you poorly, like the sister in law, I’d simply call her out on it. “I’m sorry Sally, have I don’t something to offend you? I can’t help but notice that you aren’t speaking to me?” Force them to acknowledge their behavior, whatever it is. He’s not going to change, there’s not going to be a choice, but you sure as hell need to advocate for yourself. And always be soooo sweet, even when you’re intentions are really to be *itchy lol.


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## elliblue (7 mo ago)

Oh dear, oh dear. You shouldn't have married this guy. He is a mummys boy. What his mother is doing is called 'latend incest'. 

It is a form of wmotional abuse narcissitic mother do to their son. As you mentioned yourself, in her head he is 'her man'. Her husband. The example with the wedding ring catalogues also drastically hughlights it. Those mothers want to be married to ther sons deep inside. it is no coincident she brings wedding catalogues!

This is no joke. It is a serious problem and a form of mental abuse. It isn't easy for boys or men to fight back and whether or not they manage they suffer great demage either way. 
Usually they stay connected with their abusive mother.

For those guys it is always the wife or partner who is the crazy one or anyone who questions their relationahip with their mother.

Those mothers also expect their sons to go on dates with them very often. 
It isn't your imagination that is running crazy. Such things really exist and in some cases they go as far as physical abuse. But this is the very worst case and hopefully very rare. 

But what happens more often are sexual remarks those mothers make about their sons. Those mothers try to compete with sexual partners of their son. 
Very common is also getting annoyed or making weird noises or rolling the eyes or interrupting when their son and the girlfriend or wife are kissing each other or showing any signs of affection to each other in front of her.

I spare me further explenation. Look it up.
In your case there is not only the mother, but also sister and aunt. 

there is no soöution tp your problem. You should have picked a man that emanzipated feom his family. 
Unfortunately you have children with him. with this guy there will be way more problems. He isn't respecting or caring about ypur feelings. Those guys can't. And he'll get aggressive if you express your imotions in front of him. 

They project their aggression towards their abusive mothers onto their wifes. He would rather fight and hurt you rather then his mother under any circustances. If he has to push you off a cliff to safe his mother, he would without hesitating.

Deep inside those guys hate women... and so on.

But you can read all about it in the internet. 

Hitchcocks 'Psycho' is dealing with exact this problem. That why this movie is a master peace. It shpws the extrem, but even if not all men go that far metaphorically they do the same with any woman in their live. 
Norman Bates therefore has become a pseudonym for 'mummys boy'. 
If you haven't watched the movie watch it. And think about why he killed the woman and what happened with the woman who we think is his mother. I say we think is his mother, bwcause this also plays a metaphorical role that is a message about the mothers who raise mummy boys. 

Another example is Oedipus. All cultures in the world since the beginning of humanity it seems humanity knew that boys need to be allowed to detach from their mothers once they hit puberty in order to become capable and healthy men and husbands. The literature is full of stories about this problem.


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## elliblue (7 mo ago)

Keep in mind that Oedipus is about a guy who sleeps with his mother (in your case symbolised by the wedding catalogues and her wish to go on dates with him) and kills his father. When he realised it he pinches put his eyes or something...


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Your MIL and SIL are narcissists. You need to set boundaries (if not too late) and tell you H either be with you or you’re done.


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## Tiddytok5 (8 mo ago)

You shouldn't have married this guy, nor had his children.

You knew beforehand what his family's dynamics were, but you proceeded to do so anyways.


He is a mother's boy. His family will always reign over you and come first.



He will never cut them off. He will never choose you over them.

I don't understand what your definition of "happiness", and "happy marriage" is...


But this seems like absolute torture and hell that I personally would have never intentionally subject myself to.



I never would have married into this.

I would have never had children with him.

I would have never intentionally subjected the children to this.


As soon as I met his family and figured out how things were, I would have broken up with him permanently. It would have never reached marriage or children.




You've been intentionally exposing your children to this all their lives. .and yourself to this for 21 years.



It isn't going to ever change unless you leave and stay gone.


Unfortunately, it's never going to change..

You are bound and tied together for life by the children. You'll have to put up with this for the rest of your life, or untill (mom) some others pass away.



You can lessen your involvement and interaction by leaving.


Do better for yourself and your children.



If you stay, no use in complaining and venting...nothing's going to change...as you have put up with this many years..too many.



The problem is really your husband.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

HappyHappyJoyJoy said:


> I just need to vent so forgive me. Married 21 years, mid 40s, 3 kids (tween/teens), 1 step-son (adult). My in-laws are wonderful people on the surface, but it’s what’s underneath.
> 
> I’ve tried talking to DH about my issues with his family, but he doesn’t understand where I’m coming from. He’s conveniently forgotten most of what I’m about to tell you, which doesn’t help. And no, he doesn’t support me. At. All.
> 
> ...


Your husband is an immature mama's boy. When you are married with kids, your wife and kids are your primary family and everyone else is a step below. Sadly some men never grow out of being mommy's precious little boy. Doubly sadly boys like him don't often grow up until they notice it is having a severely negative impact on their life. Even then they usually don't get it.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I have known many of my lady friends to have unfortunate relationships with their in-laws while the husband lends no support and expects his wife to accept the actions of his family, myself included. It will not stop. Your husband accepts the behavior, this is what he grew up with. Moms many times get far too close to their sons and then it almost seems they put themselves in competition with the wife....kind of sick if you ask me. In my situation it was one of my ex's sisters who did this. You feel rejected, you don't feel like you can say anything to your in-laws and eventually you stop visiting with your husband when he goes to ee them because you cannot deal with their behavior. Your only help on this matter is marriage counseling,


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Andy1001 said:


> Your problem isn’t with your in-laws it’s with the weak excuse for a man who you married. Cut them off completely, no birthday or Christmas cards or gifts, no visits and no phone calls. And don’t let your kids visit either.
> Jus live your life like they don’t exist.


All of this. ALL of it.


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## Lotsofheart73 (Oct 13, 2021)

Marriage counseling and move!


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

What’s the ‘everything else’ that is good, given how much time is devoted to them?

How do the kids feel about it? Have they ever mentioned ‘dad likes everyone more than us?’ when they were smaller?


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## KayJC (5 mo ago)

HappyHappyJoyJoy said:


> I just need to vent so forgive me. Married 21 years, mid 40s, 3 kids (tween/teens), 1 step-son (adult). My in-laws are wonderful people on the surface, but it’s what’s underneath.
> 
> I’ve tried talking to DH about my issues with his family, but he doesn’t understand where I’m coming from. He’s conveniently forgotten most of what I’m about to tell you, which doesn’t help. And no, he doesn’t support me. At. All.
> 
> ...


As disturbing and unbelievable that you have experienced all of the above, I am seriously afraid that what you have experienced cannot hold a candle as to what I experienced with my late mother in law. First off, she was seriously bi-polar or as it was termed then "manic depressive." And it went from that. She was totally obsessed with my husband, (despised her own daughter), had planned every moment of his life up to insisting he become a doctor, had picked out another young woman to be his wife, in other words tried to control every single aspect of his life. She had huge social ambitions and loved the idea of hobnobbing with the local rich and famous folks. But given the fact her husband was a blue collar worker (as in a machinist in local business) that wasn't going to help her money troubles in trying to climb that social ladder - not at all. But then - she had this extra smart, personable, son who definitely had a brilliant future ahead of him. And what better way to help her achieve her "social ambitions" than being the mother of the "brilliant young Dr. - - - - " who was saving lives in our city left and right? I can actually hear her lording that over the rich and famous friends in attempting to become one of them. At that time anyone who had a doctor's degree immediately attained the highest status in our city.

But then.....here I show up, someone who he falls in love with and me with him. I lacked so many of the traits she felt he needed in a wife - no college degree, no well known, very well to do parents, etc. And from the moment she discovered we were dating she set out to break up "that nonsense" (as she called it) from the get go. 
There were frequent arguments between him and her as to me. And more than once she had said "you better not marry that girl!" But one could lead my husband but no one could drive him. So he eventually asked me to marry him, I accepted immediately. We became engaged officially with a diamond engagement ring one Christmas morning. He came to my home, put that ring on my finger, etc. My family at that time did the usual "oohing and ahhing" over the ring and the fact there was soon to be a wedding in our family. After a while, he then suggested we go and see his family that Christmas morning. Which we did. When we walked into their home, his dad came over and did the usual "oohing and ahhing" as did his sister. But his mother? She has yet to say even hello to me or acknowledge I was in that room. My soon to be husband was absolutely livid over her treatment of me.

About 3 months before we married she came to my home and asked me to call off our wedding - which I certainly did not. She was so opposed to us marrying she did not even come to our wedding.
Over the years she was "civil" to me in front of him but behind his back treated me as though I was a piece of dirt. More than once I heard "Remember I had him first." (such a graceful way of saying "I hate you because you took MY SON away from me."

And again over the years when he was away on long business trips overseas it as a given that shortly after he left I would receive one of her well known "poison pen" letters again reaming me out, etc.

His father, her husband died a year and half after we married. And then it became a "Katy, bar the door" situation with all the crisises she continually created and my husband was the one who had to cope with them. She lost everything she had financially beginning with remarrying ten days after his father passed away to a bum. neer-do-well, alcoholic, drug addict plus 25 years younger than she. She did that to spite her family after a huge argument the afternoon after her husband's funeral. An "I'll show you" spiteful action. She lost every single friend she had in our city because of that, especially in our church. She never once again set foot in that church.

Over the years there were a total of four marriages. Her husband, my husband's dad died of a heart attack at age 58 that was purely caused by her cruelty to him, her constant up and downs, she literally hated him and only lived with him for the paycheck he brought home every two weeks. He was a good decent man. But husband #2 and #3 were disasters. By the time she passed away she had been married four times.

I seldom told my husband about her actions because I literally hated to see him become so angry and upset over something he had no control.

And I to this day am eternally grateful to his grandmother who once told him "whatever you do never take your mother into your home to live with you because she will break up your marriage."

And as to her bi-polar problem, my husband always said she "rode that to her advantage." Meaning that she felt she could say anything, do anything, create any problems because she knew everyone would say "oh, she does that because of her mental problems." In other words, she used that to be as outrageous, cruel, etc. to be such a b - - - - knowing everyone would give her a pass because of her mental problems therefore no one would ever say "how can you say that" or "do that?" or be held accountable for her outrageous behavior.

Therefore, I really challenge anyone to come up with a mother in law as cruel, vindictive as mine was. And if anyone has had a MIL like mine, then I'll pray for your own sanity.
Last, my husband and I went through 26 years of this after our marriage .
I wouldn't wish her onto my worst enemy.


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