# Did I marry the wrong man?



## always (Dec 18, 2011)

I am so exasperated and I need help.

My husband and I have been married for nearly 5 years and have a 3-year-old. I knew when I married him that he was sensitive and easily upset, but he's always tried to work on being a better person and he had a very hard childhood, so I felt like I could marry him. He's exceptionally loving toward me and is bright and funny.

Lately I've had an extreme amount of anxiety. There are numerous things going on with our relationship that are making me scared and uncomfortable. I'm not sure if he needs to change or if I'm not being as accepting as I should be, or what. Here are the details:

1. He's recently been diagnosed as bipolar and is on medication and seeing his new doctor regularly. This seems to be helping, though he is still having manic phases every night that are basically periods of hyperactivity.

2. He's childish -- as in, he doesn't have great personal hygiene, doesn't take pride in his appearance, doesn't take responsibility for things around the house, is wasteful, is lazy, spends money carelessly, eats too much, leaves messes everywhere, and makes stupid, juvenile jokes (we're in our early 30s).

3. He's not always a great dad. While he WANTS to be a good dad and obviously loves our daughter, he has a very hard time interacting with her and doesn't seem to put much effort into being a more engaged father. Whenever he does engage, he feels really good about himself, but it doesn't seem to reinforce the behavior.

4. I think he drinks too much. I say "think" because I'm not sure. It's not the amount that he drinks, but rather that once he starts, he can't stop. Now, he never buys enough to get drunk, but I don't think he can go a day without a beer or a glass of wine.

5. We have no sex life. I'm not attracted to him right now and am not filling my birth control, which means we're not having sex. I know it hurts his feelings, but I honestly have no desire for him at all. Unfortunately, I have started having sexual dreams about other men, so I know that I'm feeling starved for physical affection. I would NEVER act on them.

So, those are the major things. I just needed to write them down. I'm feeling deeply unsatisfied with my life and I don't know what to do. I guess the next step for us is marriage counseling. We went to two sessions a while ago but couldn't afford to keep going, but maybe we just need to suck it up and come up with the money.

I'd love any insight. Thanks so much for reading.


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

If you are not satisfied then yeah you should probably get yourself to marriage councilling. I dont know much about bipolar but i think you should try and be there for him im sure its not easy for him either. Maybe he doesnt want to make himself look good because he doesnt feel it its hard on you but imagine how he is feeling


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

With your list of what you don't like about him, I would hate to be him.

Why did you marry him if you find him to be such a horrible person?


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## always (Dec 18, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> With your list of what you don't like about him, I would hate to be him.
> 
> Why did you marry him if you find him to be such a horrible person?


See my first paragraph for reasons why I married him. 

At what point did I say he was a horrible person?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

always said:


> See my first paragraph for reasons why I married him.
> 
> At what point did I say he was a horrible person?


Your list of things you don't like about him far outweight that first paragraph. If I saw a list of that many complaints from my spouse I would probably just walk out of the marriage. What's the use of trying... the only thing you left out is that he is breathing.

Think of this... studies have shown that it takes 13 good events to overcome 1 bad one. So if a company does one thing that consumers find bad/wrong they have to do 13 times as much to make up for it.

I cannot help but believe that your husband knows about your list of things you don't like about him... it's a long list. There would hvae to be 13 good things going from you to him to over come each of those negatives.

He's beat down my your negativity towards him. I'd bet that in a minute.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

It seems he needs a mother as well. Does he have one. What does she say. I cant see this improving or much point in counselling. You dont mention even if he wants to improve and most likely sees nothing wrong. You dont mention what the counselor said (no one ever does, or dont they ever say anything). I dont think youre exaggerating although some do, and just wonder how you managed so long. Sorry but cant be of any help.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Bipolar is extremely hard to deal with/ be married to.

It may take a while for docs to straighten out meds. You might have to be patient there.
But a lot of your comments, could somewhat be explained by some bipolar behaviors.... somewhat that maybe no one has ever taught him differently.

If his mother always picked up after him... let him eat to excess, etc., then he probably gently needs shown ways that he can improve his social functions in the marriage ther.


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## susan71 (Dec 17, 2011)

always said:


> I guess the next step for us is marriage counseling. We went to two sessions a while ago but couldn't afford to keep going, but maybe we just need to suck it up and come up with the money.


Do the counseling. Or find some other way to get help and learn to talk things out. I also came to see only a lot of negatives in my husband, and am now learning about the positives (and the negatives about me) when it is now too late. It is very painful.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

My ex was untreated for bipolar. He was extremely abusive to me and also unfaithful. My ex self medicated with pot. I do not drink or use illegal drugs. I left after a year. His rages were dangerous, he alomst killed my daughter and I once. My ex has gotten worse over the years as he continues to believe he is okay without medications. I never seen such an angry man before. I fully understand your feelings, bipolar at the higher levels are difficult to live with. My ex decided he was fine without the meds, he was not. My ex never tried to be a good father. He was only concerned about himself, pot, and sleeping with other women.

If your husband doesn't take his anger out on you, consider yourself very lucky! He loves and cares about you dearly. I made a deal with myself, never to marry or date bipolar again! I had the worst experiences. If your not happy in your marriage go to MC or get out of it early. You have a lot to figure out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## blondi11 (Dec 22, 2011)

what you are describing is similar to my husband-minus the bipolar diagnosis and a child. 

we've been married for 2 years and together for 4. i have never seen this side of my h before marriage, it's almost like my eyes opened up in the past year. 

i know its exhausting because it seems like everything is on your shoulders-its how i feel. it's basically being a mom to him. 

our sex life is non-existent, and we are in our mid-twenties. more and more i feel like i married the wrong man, at times i cannot even recall why we got married so young or why we got married in the first place. i feel really guilty for saying it of course. my mom said this to me and i'll say it to you: 

'NO ONE can tell you if you married the wrong person, no one sees what's behind closed doors, and no one can make any decisions for you, but remember this- don't wait for 15 years to pass before you realize that you've wasted your life with the wrong person, because life is too short as it is'


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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

> I knew when I married him that he was sensitive and easily upset, but he's always tried to work on being a better person and he had a very hard childhood, so I felt like I could marry him.


So you felt you could bring him into a loveless marriage, due to the fact he can't mold to your expectations.

Sorry but I agree with EleGirl.


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## oldfashioned1 (Oct 26, 2011)

Your complaints about him fall into the category of symptoms of depression- the 1/2 of the bipolar. Which means his meds are not working. And he cannot drink on those meds or they will not work as well. Also, alot of bipolar/mentally ill people self medicate with alcohol so that is probably what is going on. Lack of self care is due to the feeling of being overwhelmed by everything(depression) and even showering seems like a huge task.

Get him to a doctor that knows meds for bipolar and you should see a huge change in him in about 3 weeks if the meds are correct. It can take years to get them right but a good doctor can narrow down which type/class will work or not work for him.


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## oldfashioned1 (Oct 26, 2011)

I forgot to add something important. You stated that he is having manic episodes every night. This is a huge sign that he is not on the right meds. For every high(manic episode) the brain will counteract it with a low(depression). It sounds like he is "cycling" about every 24 hours. which is reallly, really bad. A good doctor will give him a med to counteract that mania immediately so that he doesn't go into a low(depression) next. This is even harder to get under control in the winter months when there is not as much sunlight. alot of people will use light/sun lamps to help during the day.

I grew up with my mother being bipolar and I tried to learn as much as I could about it so I could help her. It was just too difficult. Those ups and downs are harder to take for the person living with the bipolar person than I think it is for the actual bipolar person them selves. I wish you the best of luck. Alot of people once treated correctly live very productive lives. Matter of fact, many famous people have been bipolar. Abraham lincoln, Vangogh, and many more.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Print out your list. Tell him you love him, but if we can't make a huge dent in fixing these things soon you need to walk. 

My wife's list was different than yours, but she gave it to me too late. Sorry, let me re-phrase that...

After I turned 50, and my mid-life crisis was on steroids, and I tried to fix a loveless (10+ years), sexless (5 or so years) marriage, I had to drag out of my wife why she fell out of love with me. That fixed me IMMEDIATELY. But it was too late. We had both built up WAY too much resentment by then. I'm too old to start over. We have kids. I'm stuck in a loveless, sexless marriage for the rest of my life.

Don't do that to yourself. Don't do that to HIM. Fix it or walk. Do it while you're still young. For BOTH of you.


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## jaybay (Dec 24, 2011)

I can tell you from personal experience that when a man acts this way, many times that is his way of saying that he is unsure if you are "the one" for him as well.

Our subconscious minds are capable of powerful things. He could be trying to sabotage the relationship on purpose.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Give him a written list of what has to change and state that the change has to be consistent. In the background decide what you want and prepare for it. People make mistakes and can marrying the wrong person. It takes two to make any relationship work eventually you will be worn down and will look back and wonder what happend to your life.

Decide on your limits of endurance, talk to him about the changes he has to make and play it from there. If there is no major change then your option to have a fulfilling life with him is limited.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## charlene (Jul 21, 2011)

I personally don't agree with the girls saying that the problem is there are too many things you don't like about him. It's normal and reasonable to expect from your partner not to act like he lives alone or doesn't give **** what you think about that. I agree that this behavior can happen because he's not sure too, but you both should tell eachother how you feel and start working on things/ something we can't do without a fight either,but still../
And also yes you can be married to the wrong man ,but i believe many are/ i am/ The thing is do you want to make things the way they were...or even better .If you do - tell him about your list / don't show it as a list/ If he's understanding, things will improve.
Good luck!


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Your list of things you don't like about him far outweight that first paragraph. If I saw a list of that many complaints from my spouse I would probably just walk out of the marriage. What's the use of trying... the only thing you left out is that he is breathing.
> 
> Think of this... studies have shown that it takes 13 good events to overcome 1 bad one. So if a company does one thing that consumers find bad/wrong they have to do 13 times as much to make up for it.
> 
> ...



I think this is unfair to the OP and actually overly simplistic. Everyone has greivances with their spouse! And she has some valid concerns about his level of maturity, etc. She even said she wondered if it was her or him, so your judgemental tone seems overly harsh.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

My take is that he's demonstrating that which he grew up seeing. The fact that he wants to be a GOOD DAD, but doesn't know how is telling.
The reason you never saw this side of him is that we all try to present our best attributes while dating and/or are single. Once a person with flaws,(that's all of us) feels comfortable in a relationship, the flaws are practically impossible to conceal.
What one needs to face is , do you really care enough for the flawed person to try to help them change?


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## anitagrace2 (Dec 28, 2011)

when did you want to marry be shore that person is a good man which you like


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