# What a screw up...



## Maverick (Nov 16, 2009)

Hello..I am a new member. I am deperately trying to understand why I betrayed my wife of nine years and best friend of twenty six years. It all began before our son was born (2003). It started off with the porn sites, keep in mind I am VERY inexperienced sexually. At 35 I have a grand total of five girlfiends including my wife. Only being intement with my wife. We are extremely close and thats why think all of this happened when our son was born. Everything changed, we didnt go out any more, nothing money became tight which made it worse. Everything I knew turned upside down. Shortyly after he was born I started having issues at work and then was laid-off. That made things even worse...then I landed a job six months later for less money. That coupled with a STACK of bills just added more fuel to the fire. I started hitting singles sites, Fling, Adultfriend Finder...I was too scared to actually meet anyone. For me it was more of a fantasy world...it was a world without bills, stress, no money, there I was in control. I ventured out to eHarmony and set up a profile, I still dont understand why...I love her more than I love myself. I would die for her without a single thought. From the Fling site I sent a couple of emails...when I got a response it was a link to pay porn site. Then one day almost two years ago I woke up and knew that I needed to make my own perfect world. I need to take control of my own destiny. Please help understand why I did this...


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## Maverick (Nov 16, 2009)

Can anyone offer any advice?


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

I'm assuming the wife of 9 years and best friend of 26 years are the same person. And from what I can tell you flirted with the idea of cheating on her, but never actually followed through with a real world interaction with someone.

Honestly you just seem a little nervous and high strung. New baby and bills and being laid off probably freaked you out. You might just be over thinking everything.

It just sounds like you were tempted by the idea of sex with someone other than your wife. _The reason it happens is because you have a pulse._ It's completely normal to experience this sort of thing. Just acting on it can screw your whole life up.


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## Maverick (Nov 16, 2009)

I can honestly say I did not act on anything. But she has no trust in me. She found the profiles and started searching everything...she found a pic I took of a attractive women riding a performance bike...I told her it was a guy thing...just like a swimsuit calendar in a garage. She doesnt buy it. She is asking me to tell her everything I did and why and just cant come up with it.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

I think you already said it, an escape. It was a place you could go to exit the pressure. We all need to escape pressure once in awhile, just find a healthier outlet to do it such as a hobby or exercise. Talk with her openly answer the questions she asks. Trust will not come back overnight but you have to keep working at it and be patient.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Maverick said:


> I can honestly say I did not act on anything. But she has no trust in me. She found the profiles and started searching everything...she found a pic I took of a attractive women riding a performance bike...I told her it was a guy thing...just like a swimsuit calendar in a garage. She doesnt buy it. She is asking me to tell her everything I did and why and just cant come up with it.


She's taking the whole thing as an insult most likely, and is asking you why you're insulting her. You can't come up with an answer, so you're probably pissing her off even more.

This all went down two years ago and you've been dwelling on it ever since?


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

It sounds like you all ready explained why you did it. Your "real" life was leaving you feeling overwhelmed and unhappy. Instead of sharing that with your wife, you went for the escape route and got lost in the fantasy. Welcome back! You'll have some work to do to regain trust and build a stronger foundation with your wife, but that is possible and also possible that this also began an opportunity for both of you even though it might not look like it right now.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

But she wants to know why this fantasy/escape had to be so offensive to her and so offendING to her. All it says is that he was also dissatisfied with her at the time and that he wanted to also escape her and that she wasn't making him happy. 

You can do a lot of things to escape, but when you choose something that clearly harms the person you claim to love in this way, you've taken a difficult situation and made it far, far worse. 

So why would someone do that? Why would you harm your spouse in an effort to make yourself feel better?

How do you explain it? Selfishness? 

Were you actually unhappy with your wife, too? Did you feel like you were entitled to new sexual experiences? Or did you feel your wife was neglecting you because of the new baby?


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## Maverick (Nov 16, 2009)

AZMOMOFTWO said:


> I think you already said it, an escape. It was a place you could go to exit the pressure. We all need to escape pressure once in awhile, just find a healthier outlet to do it such as a hobby or exercise. Talk with her openly answer the questions she asks. Trust will not come back overnight but you have to keep working at it and be patient.


I know this is a long road. I have found a much better outlet, developing my professional skills and focusing on my family. I try to be open with her, but it gets hard when she gets critical


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## Maverick (Nov 16, 2009)

HappyHer said:


> It sounds like you all ready explained why you did it. Your "real" life was leaving you feeling overwhelmed and unhappy. Instead of sharing that with your wife, you went for the escape route and got lost in the fantasy. Welcome back! You'll have some work to do to regain trust and build a stronger foundation with your wife, but that is possible and also possible that this also began an opportunity for both of you even though it might not look like it right now.


I have tried to explain this point several times. She is not responsive to it. I get alot of "I think its because of..." Instead of listening. She is still focused on whether or not I actually met anyone. She has quizzed me on everything from going to the store to get something or leaving a little earlier to bet the morning rush to work. I leave 40min from my job...


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## Maverick (Nov 16, 2009)

dobo said:


> But she wants to know why this fantasy/escape had to be so offensive to her and so offendING to her. All it says is that he was also dissatisfied with her at the time and that he wanted to also escape her and that she wasn't making him happy.
> 
> You can do a lot of things to escape, but when you choose something that clearly harms the person you claim to love in this way, you've taken a difficult situation and made it far, far worse.
> 
> ...


These are great questions. I don't why I would do this to her. It was not a conscience effort as I have explained to her. I didn't sit around planning this whole thing. I think at one point I was unhappy with her, I looked to her for a lot of things, one being strength in tough times. She wasn't there when I needed her, I felt abandoned. Left to handle all of this on my own.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

So perhaps then this was revenge -- getting back at her for not being there for you.

Are you generally passive-aggressive? 'cause that's what I'd be looking at as a real reason you did what you did. You *were* angry with her but you couldn't allow yourself to show her in a constructive way. You didn't feel you could talk to her. You weren't getting the strength you needed from her.


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## Maverick (Nov 16, 2009)

dobo said:


> So perhaps then this was revenge -- getting back at her for not being there for you.
> 
> Are you generally passive-aggressive? 'cause that's what I'd be looking at as a real reason you did what you did. You *were* angry with her but you couldn't allow yourself to show her in a constructive way. You didn't feel you could talk to her. You weren't getting the strength you needed from her.


I didnt even know what "passive-aggressive" was until you mentioned it. I looked it up and to my amazement it describes me all too well. Its scary...I am trying to talked to her, but it is very hard.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Just do your best. You've got a chance to really change things now. Take your time. Don't force anything. Be honest. Ask forgiveness. And seek help on your own.


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## Maverick (Nov 16, 2009)

I have been trying to find a professional help. My carrier is not too much help. I'll find one though. I spoke to my wife about my Passive Aggressive issues. She agrees that the symptoms match all too well. I have been digging through memories remembering how I grew up. This is scary stuff. She did seem very responsive, she seemed to think it was an excuse...I dont know


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## crazybunnie25 (Nov 18, 2009)

Your wife is going to need time to understand what is going on with you and understanding her own feelings about this.

As long as you cut everything out already and found a better way to "escape" your responisble duty as a husband and father. You already made a great step.

Now its just time and effort to keep away from the single life of things. Possible mid life crisis? Its a thing and everyone grow out of it but some don't. Let's grow out of it lol.

Maverick. Do you want to lose what you have? If not lets get to work to make this a happy life.

Are you finanically ok? Are you capable of saving money? Are your bills mainly credit cards? Because you can try and put all your credit cards into one WHOLE bill instead of seperate mini bills. The bank can help you with that one.
If its just a bunch of stuff you can live without like cable tv, and internet. Cut them off and start it back up with you can afford it or just cut back a little and go with like Basic channels and slower speed internet.
All depends on what your bills are. I'm sure there is a way to fix it and make it less work for you.
I can try my best to help you out on that one. 

Also having fun doesn't need to involve money. You can have a family member watch the kid and stay home with the wife, cuddle on the couch and watch whatever on tv. Go for walks, run trip and fall lol. 

Also Cheating does not have to be physical. It's emotional too.

My ex husband started out with the internet before he went physical. It was his way to get out of the responsibility of being a husband. 
We had bills from hell. 2 car payments, 6 credit cards, regular house hold bills, and 2 mortgages. Along with needs to watch movies at the theater and eating out at expensive resturants every weekend.
We ended because when I want things to work out, he didn't. Then he decided he wants to work things out and I said forget it I'm done.

So it always takes two to make things work.


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## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

Crazybunny, are you glad you said "Forget it I"m done"?


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## Maverick (Nov 16, 2009)

crazybunnie25 said:


> Your wife is going to need time to understand what is going on with you and understanding her own feelings about this.
> 
> As long as you cut everything out already and found a better way to "escape" your responisble duty as a husband and father. You already made a great step.
> 
> ...


Everything has been cut out. Mu focus is on my family and how I can improve our situation. We are in a financial hell, not as bad as the one you described but hell none the less. This is mainly due to never truly knowing how to manage money. When it came time to be responsible about I tried to act all "grown-up" about and I am failing horribly. I should have close to 1k at the end of every month, I end up borrowing money from friends for gas or milk most months. I considered dropping down on the internet, but that I cant do that because I do web design and software/web application development on the side. I need fast access to my severs to maintain my clients sites. I do have a plan to begin in Jan 2010 to move all money needed to cover all the bills to account that my wife can run to be sure all the bills are paid on time. This way I can learn the proper way to handle the finances.


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## Betty (Nov 18, 2009)

Check out Catholic Charities in your local area. They have counseling services that often have a sliding fee that depends on your income so you only pay what you can afford. Your faith does not matter either.

As far as your wife not listening I can relate to that because, to be truthful, it reminds me a tid bit of myself when it came to finding out my husband's not so truthful acts(kind of shameful I have to write that as plural, oye). As for me when I ask him a question I NEED an answer not an "I don't know". I realize this is very unrealistic but my brain says that he knows every single reason he did something and remembers every single thing he said. If he can not give me a reason my brain goes into over mode and makes up the worst possibly answer. It is at that point I have to pull back. Maybe your wife is the same way which is why it may seem like she isn't listening. If you wife is such a way then she needs to learn how to reign it in and put those wheels in her head to rest.

Also, even though you never went through with anything you had the intent to by signing up to the site so in her eyes I am sure she feels you were unfaithful and she is hurting. Just as you were feeling the stress she had to be feeling it too. I am glad you are seeking professional help. I think a good dose of counseling will help clear things up for both of you individually and also as one.


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