# when my H go out of town



## bell (Jul 10, 2011)

I am a stay at home mom and my husband goes out of town occasionally for work and usually includes nice outings, sometimes on a long trip a day off to go somewhere not work related. 

Just wondering if anyone experiences the same thing or can express their thoughts about...When or if your spouse travels for work does jealousy or any questionable thoughts occur for you? 

Sometimes things just aren't feeling right and I am wondering a lot about trust. Even though i don't have and never had much evidence of any cheating I feel cheated when he goes out of town for his job. 

I have to add he usually does not travel alone, he travels with at least one other same sex-co-worker. I can only trust he stays alone. 

Once he went out of town and I found out later there were many more people on the trip than I thought of. Some of the evenings he has gone to a bar or nice restaurants. One time his laundry reeked of the hotel toiletries when he came back, and the next time he went he got laundry service and told me he got his clothes laundered. 

He watches porn and has a chronic masturbation problem it seems, and we get together regularly it's not like we aren't active. It's hard to tell if I should be on here looking for validation. 

We have tried marriage counseling and all we got out of it was a conclusion that we need to work on our boundary issues.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

What do you mean, he has a "chronic masturbation problem?" Is it a medically diagnosed condition?

And maybe you need a different counsellor? Some are better than others.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What do you know about boundaries?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

So you have this niggling feeling and you can't quite send him out of town without worrying.

You marriage is in trouble whether your H travels or not. You've listed his porn and chronic masturbation which in my opinion is a GIANT red flag your marriage is drowning whether or not he's actually getting laid on his business trips.

Can expand a bit more about what the issues are and why marriage counseling didn't seem to help?


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## bell (Jul 10, 2011)

He hasn't been diagnosed, no, but he just was on a everyday streak for a while that does seem strange to me. The porn, I find it on his computer, I found it three different times in our marriage of almost 10 years. He goes to be way later than me a lot too. The counselor we had gave us a few sessions and said he got another job during the daytime and asked us if we could go to sessions at another time or find a new counselor. The boundaries, I realized that we should maintain average boundaries within our marriage that respect one another, and we need those. As far as what we say and do around others, or how we manage. For instance we set limits and expectations and they always get broken it feels. It could be something like, how long we plan to be at a social function, how much details we give out about others. For instance at our one year olds birthday party, he invited his co-worker and he just brought his daughter, my husband talked to the guy for an hour straight not helping me with the party or engaging in our one year old or other guest. I found that rude. Then we go to a backyard BBQ and he sits closely to another female and her in-laws the entire time and I wasn't there, just pictures on Facebook surfaced of them. I feel our boundaries are not there. Not sure what else to explain, it just sucks.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

A different job during the daytime? :wtf:

That sounds a little unprofessional IMO.

I think you are diagnosing major problems with your husband where none may exist, in actuality.

There are problems in your marriage. I am now pointing out that they may not be the problems that you THINK they are.

Try for a professional counsellor this time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bell (Jul 10, 2011)

The underwear smelt like perfume, when I asked him about it, he said it was the lotion he used after a shower. It was only that piece of laundry. Then the next time he went he had the laundry service. 

I do agree about the porn, hopefully that is the least of it. If it is I just don't like that he hid it or basically I found it when I used the computer. 

He has one profession, it's just when he goes on travel he gets a lot of free time it seems. I think I want to go to counseling if I can for me. It's always me stressing about us working out anyways.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I think that's a very good idea for you to find your own therapist.

You said that you've found porn on his compute 3 times. Do you feel like porn should be avoided if one is married? How do you feel about porn? Have you ever enjoyed watching porn?

You said he goes to bed way later than you do every night which makes it sound like you suspect he is watching porn and masturbating each night when you go to bed. Does he avoid intimacy with you? Do you get turned down if you want to have sex very often? How often do you have sex? Would you prefer to have sex more often or less often?


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## bluezone (Jan 7, 2012)

OP I can relate to you feeling jealous and concerned about your H when he goes out of town. 

My husband travels 5-6 times a year on business, which is less than some people, but still. It is hard to not feel resentful (even though I know it's his job) when you are home going to your job, doing homework, shuffling kids around, cooking, cleaning etc. and your H is at a business function eating and drinking and socializing...and getting a break from the routine. 

Can YOU plan a few trips on your own (like a girl's weekend or something with friends, etc). where you get to go away and he is at home? I think it is good to do some things WITHOUT your spouse. 

Having said that, it still sounds like you need marriage counseling to address your feelings and how your H can make you feel more secure when he goes away... AND to establish boundaries...I had to do this as well with my H in regards to business trips, etc. 

The porn is one thing...lots of people watch it, but sounds like your H might be using it to the detriment of your marriage/relationship.

You should get individual counseling as well, absolutely. How is your communication with your H? Do you guys have a good relationship outside of this issue? 

There are great counselors, and not so great (like any other profession) so maybe you need to find a new counselor as @MattMatt has suggested.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

bell said:


> I am a stay at home mom and my husband goes out of town occasionally for work and usually includes nice outings, sometimes on a long trip a day off to go somewhere not work related.
> 
> Just wondering if anyone experiences the same thing or can express their thoughts about...When or if your spouse travels for work does jealousy or any questionable thoughts occur for you?
> 
> ...


Can you give us more detail on what that means? What "boundary issues"?

I don't see anything wrong with any one thing taken by itself. I traveled for work for a number of years. This always involved eating out in mixed company. I got my clothes laundered at the hotel any time corporate policy permitted. Just meant cheaper dry cleaning for me.

Porn... sounds like a problem to you. Related? Hard to know. I could not care less if my DH looks at it.

So I wonder that you sum up something as major as boundary issues and progress or lack thereof in counseling as basically an afterthought.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Which places does he travel too? When a guy is that addicated to porn it's hard not to imagine he's not fantasizing about making it reality especially when he has ample opportunity.

If he travels to Asia I'd be my left arm he's fooled around. I travel A LOT and the whole female cologne excuse he gave is ridiculous.

He sees you as "she's going anywhere". The facebook thing you saw and felt, that's your gut telling things. He needs consequences

You REALLY need to shake him up. Tell him, "I'm your wife and I don't like things you've done" This is not about what you need to do but how you do it. You need to put in some serious boundaries with him. I would be very frank and spell it out, "I don't trust you when you travel anymore because of the perfume" 

Can her curtail travel? Any chance you can go on one of these trips?

I currently live overseas and travelled for work extensively (US and overseas) so I'm jaded. I've watched traveling co-workers lead double lives that would blow your mind.

If he hasn't strayed yet he will eventually. This is intervention time and not soft "please stop watching porn, ok".

It needs to be, "when you watch porn it hurts me and makes me not respect you, if you continue to do so I can't stay married to you"

You don't trust him. TELL HIM YOU DON'T TRUST HIM. But then tell him what you need. No porn. Less or no travel. Facetime chat every morning and night while on the road. 100% agreement that no 1:1 with other women. And think of what are things you can not accept while married to him.


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## sscygni (Apr 13, 2016)

You are out of town, alone other than your business colleagues, typically putting in long, meeting filled days. In the evenings you can either sit in your room and order room service, or go out and have a nice evening with the other folks on the same trip. Don't begrudge him that time. Business travel is not all fun and games.


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## sscygni (Apr 13, 2016)

My agreement with my wife is that I travel no more than twice a month, usually more like once a month. May sound like a lot, but its a big reduction from when we first met. I love my job, but travel is required to be successful. 

My wife travels some as well, more like 6 times a year, but usually to more interesting locations. I typically go to Virginia, she has been to Saudi Arabia, Puerto Rico, Romania, and so on.

I miss her when she travels, she misses me when I travel, but we both trust each other. I want her to go out and have fun in the evenings when she is on travel, and she wants the same for me.


Bottom line, travel isn't the issue here. Trust is the issue. You don't trust him when he is out of town. I have no idea whether that is warranted or not, but that is what you need to work on.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

bell said:


> I am a stay at home mom and my husband goes out of town occasionally for work and usually includes nice outings, sometimes on a long trip a day off to go somewhere not work related.
> 
> Just wondering if anyone experiences the same thing or can express their thoughts about...When or if your spouse travels for work does jealousy or any questionable thoughts occur for you?
> 
> ...


I travel frequently. Typically with another man, but not always. Sometimes with a woman, sometimes on my own, sometimes in a group.



> Once he went out of town and I found out later there were many more people on the trip than I thought of. Some of the evenings he has gone to a bar or nice restaurants. One time his laundry reeked of the hotel toiletries when he came back, and the next time he went he got laundry service and told me he got his clothes laundered.


There is typically an understanding that as traveling is a pain, it is compensated for by living well on expenses. This means that going out to eat well and having a drink is included in expenses. Having clothes laundered rather than bringing it all home is normal too. 

I am assuming here that he does not launder clothes ever. Therefore, he did it to hide evidence of wrong doing. It is possible, when single I have got lucky when traveling, but it is not as easy as people assume. I am rather well off, not bad at this sort of thing and British. If I were a rather average, rather chubby, middle-aged American, it would take determined effort and planning to pull while traveling. 



> He watches porn and has a chronic masturbation problem it seems, and we get together regularly it's not like we aren't active. It's hard to tell if I should be on here looking for validation.
> 
> We have tried marriage counseling and all we got out of it was a conclusion that we need to work on our boundary issues.


The normal day for the occasional business traveler is something like this (I am a veteran, I do not do it this way):
- Wake up. Not sure what to do with self in a strange hotel room. Have quick play with self. Watch TV and shower. Go to breakfast. 
- Do work.
- Return to hotel. Not know what to do with self, arrange to go to restaurant.
- Indulge self at restaurant. Live it up with colleagues you do not know very well OR Order room service and a couple of beers to the hotel room while staring at the TV
- Get slightly drunk.
Repeat.

I imagine that his clothes would smell from an evening out. If his going out bothers you, that might explain why he launders them (or he be considerate).

If I travel, even for a couple of nights, it can mean I end up not having sex for days. Bridging that time with a quick shuffle is perfectly understandable in my opinion. If that is what you mean by a chronic masturbation problem, I would not worry about it. Sometimes masturbation is just the lazy option.

With all due respect to @jdawg2015, I must disagree with him. In your post, I see concern that he could be cheating but no real evidence of it. It seems more likely you are nervous as you cannot keep an eye on him. There is a lack of trust, but that could be your gut intuition, but it could also be your insecurity playing tricks on you. Telling him you do not trust him could allow your insecurity to drive a wedge in the relationship.

So
- Is it possible that if his clothes stank from an evening out that you would disapprove or that he would think you would disapprove?
- Is he a very attractive man to the average woman in a bar?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Trust your gut. You husband's underwear (and not the rest of his clothing) smelling like perfume is exactly what you think it is. Does your husband have a habit of putting lotion on his bottom? Have you ever known him to do that? Why would he put it on his bottom and nowhere else?

Do not bury your head. He doesn't have to admit to anything. You are free to act upon what you believe, even if he denies it.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Did you really just imply that a Brit has more chances than an American to get laid? LMAO Tells me the places you obviously haven't travelled too.

I asked if her H goes to Asia because it's WAY easier to cheat over here. You don't even need to go work for it, you can have them called to your room...... 

Underwear smelling like perfume. Sorry, screaming red flag. She's a stay at home and he leaves at at home even when he's not travelling and she has twinges of resentment.

My exW used to talk about how I got to stay in fancy hotels and nice restaurants as well. Taking her on a work trip not only let her see they places I was going but also have her an idea of how travel wears you down. *The nice places and dinner on expenses is not the real issue here when you peel back the onion.* She feels left behind and that he is not giving her as much time as her "fun" coworkers. The coworkers are more fun because it's in nice places with the company footing the bill. Very common and why I tell my staff about this when they start traveling.

I've actually got a standing order for my staff to not travel on anniversaries and must be home. 100% fact. I've seen too many marriages blow up from travel neglect. 

Many other tips I would tell your H if he was my co-worker based on your post OP.

How often is he gone and for how long? Where does he go (state/country)?

Does he guard his phone of have facebook that you can access? 

How old are you two?

This won't get better and has to be addressed. Do you have a similar education and can you get back in the workforce? I would not continue to be a SAHM.


Mr The Other said:


> I am assuming here that he does not launder clothes ever. Therefore, he did it to hide evidence of wrong doing. It is possible, when single I have got lucky when traveling, but it is not as easy as people assume. I am rather well off, not bad at this sort of thing and British. If I were a rather average, rather chubby, middle-aged American, it would take determined effort and planning to pull while traveling.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

jdawg2015 said:


> Did you really just imply that a Brit has more chances than an American to get laid? LMAO Tells me the places you obviously haven't travelled too.
> 
> I asked if her H goes to Asia because it's WAY easier to cheat over here. You don't even need to go work for it, you can have them called to your room......
> 
> ...


In the USA, it is a lot easier for a Brit than an American.

The laundry is a concern, but I would get my laundry done while I traveled too and I was not cheating. The main red flag is her gut feeling, but we have to find out where that is coming from first.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

CynthiaDe said:


> Trust your gut. You husband's underwear (and not the rest of his clothing) smelling like perfume is exactly what you think it is. Does your husband have a habit of putting lotion on his bottom? Have you ever known him to do that? Why would he put it on his bottom and nowhere else?
> 
> Do not bury your head. He doesn't have to admit to anything. You are free to act upon what you believe, even if he denies it.


I always spray my tackle and my bottom with a nice deodorant spray. And the rest of my body. Doesn't everyone? :scratchhead:


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Glad you clarified. LOL I have a lot of empirical data and definitely depends on where you travel. Some places as an American it's so easy you can't ever be sure if a woman wants you, your wallet, or that chance at a green card. Majority definitely want to go to the US more than the UK..... (and the UK weather cures the ones who mistake a Brit as a good choice> )

Having laundry done in the hotel is not the concern, in fact I usually have it done the day before check out so I have nice pressed clothes I can just put away when home.

But the perfume? Lot of porn? Not putting much effort into the wife? All red flags and shows issues that need addressing. 

She should ask for no 1:1 opposite sex meals/outings.

OP, right now your H thinks you totally trust him and probably is being fairly careless with his electronics. I would try and get a peek at his phone, emails, private Facebook messages, etc. NOT to make you paranoid but you are very wise to "trust but verify".

He may even brag with his buddies in his texts about things done on the road trip.

If he's delete texts before he comes home that would be another red flag.

Try a little snoop but you need to tell him as his wife you feel neglected. That's what's going on here.



Mr The Other said:


> In the USA, it is a lot easier for a Brit than an American.
> 
> The laundry is a concern, but I would get my laundry done while I traveled too and I was not cheating. The main red flag is her gut feeling, but we have to find out where that is coming from first.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Mr The Other said:


> *In the USA, it is a lot easier for a Brit than an American.*
> 
> The laundry is a concern, but I would get my laundry done while I traveled too and I was not cheating. The main red flag is her gut feeling, but we have to find out where that is coming from first.


Had I not been married and thus 'unavailable' whilst I was on my first trip to California I got the impression that my "cute British accent!" would have got me some *very* interesting evenings!


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> I always spray my tackle and my bottom with a nice deodorant spray. And the rest of my body. Doesn't everyone? :scratchhead:


No. Everyone does not. If her husband regularly did, she would not be alarmed by them smelling like perfume. They would all smell that way all the time, not just once.


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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

My husband travels a lot also. Being he's one of the bosses, he has to be on his best behavior and doesn't drink much in order to make a good impression to all the other big wig idiots that drink their rears off and then expect to be respected the next day.

With that, my husband hates the traveling thing and mingling with people of his own just gives him time to chat the night away about business..after that, hitting the hay.

I'm thankful I can trust my man on the road..or anywhere else for that matter.

I asked him once if there was any woman that he worked with that floated his boat..and if so..would he do anything with her?

His reply was that he was happily married and is strictly business whether in the office or on business trips..and wears his wedding ring daily..

YAY!!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

CynthiaDe said:


> No. Everyone does not. If her husband regularly did, she would not be alarmed by them smelling like perfume. They would all smell that way all the time, not just once.


Fair point.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> A different job during the daytime? :wtf:
> 
> That sounds a little unprofessional IMO.


A second job may not be an issue at all. Some therapists teach at universities for example. Now if that second job is, for example, in sanitation? His credentials may be subject to scrutiny.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Mclane said:


> A second job may not be an issue at all. Some therapists teach at universities for example. Now if that second job is, for example, in sanitation? His credentials may be subject to scrutiny.


A part time therapist might not be fully qualified or properly licensed

There was a young couple on TAM, the counsellor was someone they found on the web who was in her 60s and during the individual sessions she started having sex with the husband. 

Turned out she had had her licence to practice revoked.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

bell said:


> ..... and has a chronic masturbation problem it seems......





bell said:


> He hasn't been diagnosed, no, but he just was on a everyday streak for a while that does seem strange to me.


Unless he is turning you down, I don't see any problem there.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> the counsellor was someone they found on the web who was in her 60s and during the individual sessions she started having sex with the husband


Now that's job dedication.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

That's just wrong on so many levels.

Make you really lose all faith in your fellow man.



MattMatt said:


> Mclane said:
> 
> 
> > A second job may not be an issue at all. Some therapists teach at universities for example. Now if that second job is, for example, in sanitation? His credentials may be subject to scrutiny.
> ...


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

CynthiaDe said:


> Trust your gut. You husband's underwear (and not the rest of his clothing) smelling like perfume is exactly what you think it is. Does your husband have a habit of putting lotion on his bottom? Have you ever known him to do that? Why would he put it on his bottom and nowhere else?
> 
> Do not bury your head. He doesn't have to admit to anything. You are free to act upon what you believe, even if he denies it.


^^This.

Also ask yourself why, IF, he had started putting lotion on his bits...WHY would he put feminine smelling lotion??


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

This travel bit is a red herring, meaning that it is not the main issue here OP.
Anyone who does business travel knows that in many cases you are expected to attend business dinners, or get togethers in mixed company. You husband cannot not tell customers only men are allowed at the dinners and that they can only go places where there are only men present. And any one that expects their spouse to be cruising at 40,000 feet for at all hours of the day and night and never leave the hotel room probably has never done it.
Let's also dispel the boredom factor or time when he is not "accountable" to you. You are a SAHM , alone and in familiar surroundings for 8-10 hours a day even when he is in town, and all it would take is a few clicks of a computer and you could have more men chasing you and wanting to meet up with you in a day than he would probably have in months when he arrives dead on his ass from a day of work and a long plane trip.
Now, there are other issues, porn, behavior, that yes you need to address and discuss, but my point is that business travel DOES make for more opportunity, but if you read the infidelity forums, you will find that there are plenty of SAHM having themselves a real party of their own while their husbands are at work .

He needs to travel to support your family. You need to talk and communicate and if necessary get into some therapy. 

And let's address for one second the porn. I am. Not an advocate or detractor of porn or anything else as long as it does not stop him from fulfilling your physical needs. He spends a lot of time alone and if the porn keeps him from trolling bars which would you rather he do. And by the way, if the porn bothers you all that much, then set it as a boundary, but just make sure you get rid of all your Mr. Buzzy's that you may have laying around the house, because if you use them for the same thing he uses porn for, not too many folks will believe your every thought is about him while ther buzz is going.

He has given you some red flags to DISCUSS and even investigate if you need to. Blind trust may not be smart at this point, but expecting him to totally isolate himself from humanity while travelling probably is not going to happen, and he probably will not be able to do his job if he tried.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Sounds like you are picking up on subtle details. Sounds to me that he has held information from you and then you later found out more specific details from someone else. This does not make a person feel good inside. Was this intentional on your husband's part or a mere oversight?

My husband was military and gone quite a bit. Like you I also was uneasy about his alone time with the "guys" on his TDYs. Like your husband, mine was not forth-coming with information as to what they did but I would later find out when the guys would get together and laugh about how my husband was so drunk on these TDYs. Drunk and in bars...what's the first thing to go? Judgement; and that is a good reason for concern. One time I guess the guys tried to get into a brothel in Holland and thought it was hilarious. They decided not to go in afterall because there was a door charge and beers cost like $20 each. Funny my husband never told me about this hysterical little venture. So why would married men want to go into a brothel to drink beer? I think you know the answer to that one and yes, this is the stuff that brings on mistrust.

Your gut feeling is telling you something and I have a feeling you have reason to believe that suspicion.

As far as the one week streak masturbating. How old is your husband? I have been married twice and men can have sex and/or masturbate daily, or several times a day. The younger they are the more active they are. My husband now is in his mid 50's and shuts himself in the bathroom for 30-40 minutes at a time with his Tablet. I have gone into the bathroom to find he had not cleaned up well and stuff is on the sink and in the toilet. I am assuming you feel his sex life should be with you and I agree but that doesn't mean your husband will see it the same way. The male sex drive is 10 greater than the female and they have very much become accustom to pleasing the little guy in their lives. Females are taught to curb their sexual appetite from a young age and told to wait so we do learn to put off our temptations.

Porn.....you caught him 3 times in 10 years. I can almost guarantee you that he is on there doing porn searches more than you reason and has learned to cover his tracks, mastering how to click out of windows and erase history, perhaps he is even cleaver enough he can hide files. My husband has had a porn addiction that started as a teenager. The question I have for you concerning porn is, can he still have a relationship with you? Does he still peruse you for sex? You see some men will view naked women and enjoy it and more than likely get an arousal but they can have a relationship with their wife as well. Others go to porn for sex even in the beginning most magical p[art of the relationship and that is where porn is a serious problem. However, if you are uncomfortable with your husband viewing naked ladies then you have every right to express that and find out from him why he feels this need.


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