# At Wits End Over Finances...aaaaghh!!!



## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

FINAL UPDATE ON PAGE 6!!


Well I never thought you could be financially comfortable but still have money issues...but apparently you can!

My wife and I just are at the other end of the spectrum when it comes to finances. So much so now that I really wonder if it has become a deal breaker for me. I would appreciate any comments. 

We have recently come through a time with myself battling cancer but having disability, and then now back to work. While I was on disability, I lost my job but still had disability. I was not worried and I was able to find another 3 months later.

During the time of losing my job, but still being on disability, we had some blowups over myself wanting to replace bathroom towels for $8.99. I also was chastized for buying microwave frozen peas and not an entire bag one night. We spent nothing, even though we were still making almost $150k a year.

Once back to work, my wife went to the complete opposite. Even though we had almost new furniture, it was replaced with antique furniture she wanted for $3000. I did not believe it was the right time, or necessary more so, but she went ahead without me agreeing.

I have explained to her that like the joy she received from her antique furniture, I would be like a kid in a candy store if I could get my new dream vehicle. I joked that maybe I will just go ahead like she did on the furniture and by my car next year. She said there is no comparing, because hers was $3000 and my car costs $40000. I realize there is a difference but we knew at some point in the next few years we would replace my vehicle. If it brings me joy and we can afford it without any problem, I do not see an issue.Unfortunately no matter how much I explain our financial situation to her, she just never feels like we are ok. 

Now we have come to my wants after battling cancer and getting back to travel and life. She does not want to travel this year though due to money concerns. There are no money concerns. I also wanted to trade in my vehicle next year and spend about $40000. She is 100% against this since my vehicle is still like new after 7 years. I told her once this year that my cancer battle has moved up some things on my wish list, like the car, and she told me I was just using my cancer as an excuse to get a new vehicle.

I just cannot understand how someone can have issues with $9 towels, but then spend $3000 on furniture we already had, but then not be at least open to some compromises on my new vehicle, and travel. Years back she wanted $5k in savings to sleep better. We did that. Then that wasnt enough and it became $10k. Then $20k. It never seems to matter how much it is. I have come into a large 6 figure sum of money, which we put away for retirement. We have so much going for us, and after my cancer battle, I want to live...now. Not break the bank, but I want some things in life. I have a 30% chance of not being here in years and that scares me.

It just seems odd to me that we are very stable money wise, yet keep having such discussions where we are on completely different pages. There are obviously other issues, but this finance one keeps brewing for me and just bothers me a lot.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Communication and compromise. You both want your own way and are digging in your heels. Heres' some things to read and work with her on....

"Smart Couples Finish Rich"
"His Needs, Her Needs"
"Love Busters" 

My suggestion on how to handle money is to start out with what they talk about in "Smart Couples Finish Rich". You will see what they say to do.

There will be spending $$ each month that you get to spend after all savings, bills, etc.

Split the spending $$ 50/50. You each get to have the same amount to blow as you see fit. You do not have to ask the other if you want to spend or save it. If you save your 50%, it goes in a savings account in your own name.. for the down payment on your new car


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

First of all - kudos to you for beating your cancer!

I understand you wanting to "live a little" after your ordeal, however, I think you are focusing on the wrong things. 

First off, I would be grateful to have a spouse that was thrifty, it could be the other way around and she could be a spend thrift having put you in debt but instead you two have a good savings and are in better off financially than most.

Second, it does seem a little off that she did not want to spend the money on towels but buy the furniture. Maybe it was subconsciously therapeutic for her after going through your illness?

Thirdly, there is a big difference between $3000 and $40000. I am not the right person to address this because when I buy a car it is usually already 10 years old so I would love your 7 year old car.

I think being able to enjoy the benefits of your labor is great. You should both get to do this. However it seems to me that after coming through cancer one would be more focused on quality time with loved ones. Why let material things clutter our relationships? If you want to travel to spend time with your wife and make memories together, explain that to her. You two need to talk about what is really important to each of you. Come up with a list of things you need and want, agree on them and plan for it. Plan out the amount of money and the timeframe together. 

Also, maybe she just needs time to think about it and prepare mentally for the spending. When she spends money she probably does this in her mind and you just don't know it. When you talk of spending money you probably tell her at the time you wish to spend it and she doesn't have time to process it. Planning it out together might help this.


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## canjad80 (Oct 31, 2011)

Have you ever asked your wife why she is so insecure about money? If you understand where she is coming from it may be easier for you to find some common ground on this issue.

On the car vs furniture issue. If she used 100% of her own money for that purchase, I see no problem at all with it. Similarly if you would be using 100% of your own money to buy your car then go for it. Anything involving joint savings though there must be agreement. If she spent thousands of dollars of joint money without your approval there is a serious lack of respect and some major communication problems that need to be addressed.

I've always kept finances mostly separate in relationships and will continue to do so. It prevents a lot of these issues. However, both people need to be earning a similar income for it to be a drama-free arrangement.


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

Insecure because there was money troubles in prior relationship. 

Our money is joint. So since we bought the furniture without agreeing on it (we had 1 yr old stuff already-so pretty much new), i joked that maybe next yr i would just buy my vehicle without her approval. Her response was pretty much that she'd start a war, and that it was not comparable since it was $40k vs $3k. My point though is its the principle. I wasnt agreeing to furniture but she bought it anyway. 



canjad80 said:


> Have you ever asked your wife why she is so insecure about money? If you understand where she is coming from it may be easier for you to find some common ground on this issue.
> 
> On the car vs furniture issue. If she used 100% of her own money for that purchase, I see no problem at all with it. Similarly if you would be using 100% of your own money to buy your car then go for it. Anything involving joint savings though there must be agreement. If she spent thousands of dollars of joint money without your approval there is a serious lack of respect and some major communication problems that need to be addressed.
> 
> I've always kept finances mostly separate in relationships and will continue to do so. It prevents a lot of these issues. However, both people need to be earning a similar income for it to be a drama-free arrangement.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

When sharing money, it is crucial that you have a policy of agreement for large expenses.

Rather than try to "one up" your wife by buying a car without her permission, tell her that she should never spend $3,000 again without talking to you about it first, since it is unfair and she would not appreciate you doing it.

How to convice her allow you to spend 40K on a car which is not generally a good idea anyway... Lay out a yearly budget and a long term budget. She has to see that it's "safe" to spend this money and that the future is covered.


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

Hicks said:


> When sharing money, it is crucial that you have a policy of agreement for large expenses.
> 
> Rather than try to "one up" your wife by buying a car without her permission, tell her that she should never spend $3,000 again without talking to you about it first, since it is unfair and she would not appreciate you doing it.
> 
> How to convice her allow you to spend 40K on a car which is not generally a good idea anyway... Lay out a yearly budget and a long term budget. She has to see that it's "safe" to spend this money and that the future is covered.


I would definitely never one upmher, I only mentioned it to her since I don't think money matters as it is more principle based to me.


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

She made the case this was antique furniture and it only comes up once in a blue moon. She also made the case that it was $3,000 vs. $40,000 for a vehicle.

Funny in that I see it as principle, not dollars. She says there is no comparison, in that if I was to go ahead and just buy a car.

The plan originally was to keep my vehicle 8 years, I am looking at 6-7 instead if I was to buy now. She wanted me to wait til it was 10 yrs old. But now she changed and wants me to wait til its 14 years old. Just hard when the target keeps moving. I just have no excitement in keeping my vehicle til its 14 years old, especially when cancer has come knocking. I am living life now, travelling, and not sweating the small stuff. But this vehicle was one other thing I wanted earlier than later. Problem is her later has become even later now!

So we are at a stale mate. She mentioned in the past if I bought a vehicle without her consent she would start a war. So we have both drawn our lines in the sand. I have tried to find a compromise...

She wants to wait another 7 years til the vehicle is 14yrs old, I want to purchase now. I talked about maybe 10 yrs then. Just some discussion...but nothing on her side, she said she said she has come done from never to 14 years! It seems comical at times but she is dead serious.

She also said if I bought a vehicle we wouldn't travel any more. Obviously I do not want that. So I thought again, lets discuss, so I thought what about if I gave up a trip here or there to cover my vehicle costs. She could still go travelling. No, that brought up the point of well then she would have to travel alone. Just seems like there is never any concessions at all...too bad.





canjad80 said:


> Have you ever asked your wife why she is so insecure about money? If you understand where she is coming from it may be easier for you to find some common ground on this issue.
> 
> On the car vs furniture issue. If she used 100% of her own money for that purchase, I see no problem at all with it. Similarly if you would be using 100% of your own money to buy your car then go for it. Anything involving joint savings though there must be agreement. If she spent thousands of dollars of joint money without your approval there is a serious lack of respect and some major communication problems that need to be addressed.
> 
> I've always kept finances mostly separate in relationships and will continue to do so. It prevents a lot of these issues. However, both people need to be earning a similar income for it to be a drama-free arrangement.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

I'm having a crazy sense of deja vu, I remember reading a similar story here on TAM, including an illness & the new car. 
Found it, here's the thread, from almost a year ago & it's eerily similar to your story, there's a lot of good advice. 
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...262-how-do-you-balance-fairness-finances.html


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

It is very eeery, since that is me and it is still an issue sadly a year later...(forgot my user id so now using this one).

Was a really good read again. I think the idea of being too soft might be my issue sometimes. Maybe it is time to purchase the vehicle and see where the ships fall.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

This is a bad situation that will likely get worse. 

Does she make significantly more than you? Sometimes the person who makes more thinks they have the right to dictate how the money is spent, period. It isn't about fair and you won't reason your way out of it. $40 grand is a hell of a lot more than 3, so she does have a valid point but the fact that she thinks she can just lay down the law on what you want worries me.

Also, as awful as it may sound your illness may have fundamentally changed the relationship. Her facing the prospect of your mortality may oddly have caused her to pull away from you to protect herself from losing you. In what other ways has the marriage changed since you were diagnosed? You may have noticed increased hostility and less affection. If this is what's going on, therapy is needed.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

The three grand without consultation is out of line. 

But you can't leverage that into forty grand on a car.


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## keepsmiling (Nov 20, 2012)

If it were me, I'd work out how long it would take to make that £40000, tell my SO and compromise on a £20000 car if possible, especially if I was the only one going to enjoy it. Your wife has good values just needs reassurance. If you have your retirements planned out, and this really is 'spare' money, remind her of the things you would like to do before either of you need a walking stick!


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

zookeeper said:


> This is a bad situation that will likely get worse.
> 
> Does she make significantly more than you? Sometimes the person who makes more thinks they have the right to dictate how the money is spent, period. It isn't about fair and you won't reason your way out of it. $40 grand is a hell of a lot more than 3, so she does have a valid point but the fact that she thinks she can just lay down the law on what you want worries me.
> 
> Also, as awful as it may sound your illness may have fundamentally changed the relationship. Her facing the prospect of your mortality may oddly have caused her to pull away from you to protect herself from losing you. In what other ways has the marriage changed since you were diagnosed? You may have noticed increased hostility and less affection. If this is what's going on, therapy is needed.


I make twice what she does. 

I think for the most part things are same after cancer. It really just seems that finances keep causing us grief. Her point on the vehicle is there is nothing wrong with my current one, so wait another 7 yrs. she leverages the fact both of her cars are older. But she chose not to get a new vehicle and keep two older vehicles instead. Similar to the $3000 furniture, there was nothing wrong with what we had as it was 1 yrs old. Just seems like there isnt any give or take.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Wiserforit said:


> The three grand without consultation is out of line.
> 
> But you can't leverage that into forty grand on a car.


I agree. If I had a spouse do that I would take over finances and remove any direct deposit.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

sunnyroses said:


> It is very eeery, since that is me and it is still an issue sadly a year later...(forgot my user id so now using this one).
> 
> Was a really good read again. I think the idea of being too soft might be my issue sometimes. Maybe it is time to purchase the vehicle and see where the ships fall.


I had a feeling it was you, I just hoped that wasn't since it's been a year & you're still having the same issue.
Have you two been to see a therapist?
Maybe impartial input could help you both come to a compromise.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

I literally just watched my uncle take his last breath battling cancer 2 weeks ago. It was horrible and I never would wish that on anyone. The way he had to be taken care of and how he was suffering until he died, made me realize that life is too short to sweat the small stuff. However, my aunt was devastated. She is literally out of her mind with grief. She was saving money like crazy because she was afraid she Wouldn't be able to care for herself or the children after he passed. He understood this the whole time. He only asked for little trips to the beach that were not too costly and she agreed. He knew what she was afraid of and he understood it. He wanted her to feel as safe and comfortable as possible after he died. 

Maybe This is what your wife is feeling? While it doesn't justify her spending a large amount without your permission, maybe therapy can help her sort out those concerns.

fighting over 3k furniture and a 40k car when there is a chance your battle could return, is petty. There is a Possibility you could lose the battle later on and you two will regret fighting over material things.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

staarz21 said:


> I literally just watched my uncle take his last breath battling cancer 2 weeks ago. It was horrible and I never would wish that on anyone. The way he had to be taken care of and how he was suffering until he died, made me realize that life is too short to sweat the small stuff. However, my aunt was devastated. She is literally out of her mind with grief. *She was saving money like crazy because she was afraid she Wouldn't be able to care for herself or the children after he passed.* He understood this the whole time. He only asked for little trips to the beach that were not too costly and she agreed. He knew what she was afraid of and he understood it. He wanted her to feel as safe and comfortable as possible after he died.
> 
> Maybe This is what your wife is feeling? While it doesn't justify her spending a large amount without your permission, maybe therapy can help her sort out those concerns.
> 
> ...


That was my thought as well. His wife could be afraid of what might be coming if the cancer returns, and then she will be left on her own with a $40k car she can't afford, among other things.


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

keepsmiling said:


> If it were me, I'd work out how long it would take to make that £40000, tell my SO and compromise on a £20000 car if possible, especially if I was the only one going to enjoy it. Your wife has good values just needs reassurance. If you have your retirements planned out, and this really is 'spare' money, remind her of the things you would like to do before either of you need a walking stick!


I have suggested the $20,000 idea and no budge. Feels there is nothing wrong with mt vehicle so i should keep it another 7 yrs, end of story.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

norajane said:


> That was my thought as well. His wife could be afraid of what might be coming if the cancer returns, and then she will be left on her own with a $40k car she can't afford, among other things.


That is covered. If we want to go worst case, im either on LTD or if i die there is a million dollars of insurance. Or you sell the car for $30. Either way, the $40k car is not going to ruin the finances.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

Who pays the majority of the bills?
If its you,I don't think she has much right 
to say no.

You have lots of life insurance so thats taken care of.
Your not gambling it away or drinking it away.If anything 
happens to you she could sell it.

In my eyes your wife is being selfish,as you can easily afford
the car you want.

You only live on and what you want is not asking to much.

Does she love you or the money?

Good Luck


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

nevergveup said:


> Who pays the majority of the bills?
> If its you,I don't think she has much right
> to say no.
> 
> ...


Our finances are joint. 

Good question. I hope its me. Ive had some bad thoughts about that recently. That she enjoys the money more than me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Have you figured the trade-in value of your current vehicle? That may offset some of that $40,000 cost ($40,000 is not that out of line now days). At 14 years, you'll most likely have to pay a salvage company to take it off your hands. 

How much loss did you have to take on your one year old furniture? 

It seems your wife thinks her wants have merit and your wants don't. Just buy the car and when she starts in you can tell her that you didn't want her to feel guilty should you kick the bucket anytime soon.


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> Have you figured the trade-in value of your current vehicle? That may offset some of that $40,000 cost ($40,000 is not that out of line now days). At 14 years, you'll most likely have to pay a salvage company to take it off your hands.
> 
> How much loss did you have to take on your one year old furniture?
> 
> It seems your wife thinks her wants have merit and your wants don't. Just buy the car and when she starts in you can tell her that you didn't want her to feel guilty should you kick the bucket anytime soon.


After trade in $20-$40k. Amount does not matter to her it seems. She wants me to keep my 7yr old car another 7yrs. She said she came down from never to 7yrs. I had to laugh at that. So in trying to find a middle ground she's stated she already came down from from never to 7yrs from now. 

We lost $1,000.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> It seems your wife thinks her wants have merit and your wants don't. Just buy the car and when she starts in you can tell her that you didn't want her to feel guilty should you kick the bucket anytime soon.


I think my wife would say her items of contention are $3,000, $1,000, $200 etc. not $40,000. 

Funny we had a chat about vehicles for budget purposes awhile ago. She decided to keep running and storing two older cars. That made her happy. So we bought her a $15000 winter vehicle to go along with her summer car. We were looking at mine staying around for 8-10yrs. Now its 14 yrs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

The car is 7 yrs old and runs fine.

I don't see a reason to spend $40,000 on a new one. 

Her spending $3000 without your consent is an entirely different issue.

As another poster said earlier, don't even try to justify a $40,000 new car because she went and bought some furniture.

Have the new car discussion when your car needs major work.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

My husband of 43 years loved to play poker. I didn't have a problem with the poker it was the gambling that ate at me. This year we took a cruise and I budgeted in money so he could play poker every night which he enjoyed immensely.

One month after our cruise, he was diagnosed with cancer in the brain and died one month later. I can't begin to tell you how I would have felt like a dirty dog if I had said one word about his poker playing on that cruise.

Buy the damn car! Life is too short.


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

I agree, the $3k without consult was out of line, but not leverage for a $40k car. 
Another thing is that it's no joke that medical bills for cancer treatment can swallow $500k like an aspirin and want more. I don't know how your insurance and copay situation is but it's something to consider should the cancer come back and you may want to plan for the worst financially.


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

badcompany said:


> I agree, the $3k without consult was out of line, but not leverage for a $40k car.
> Another thing is that it's no joke that medical bills for cancer treatment can swallow $500k like an aspirin and want more. I don't know how your insurance and copay situation is but it's something to consider should the cancer come back and you may want to plan for the worst financially.


In Canada so we're covered for all healthcare.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

Nice.
Yeah, here in the US the medical/insurance system is like that old insurance commercial with the vacuum zooming around a room full of money. 
I'm of the thought that you only live once and then your worm food, so live and enjoy, but do it with your spouse. 
If all your bases are covered financially maybe look into a toy you both might enjoy like a boat or classic car/hot rod?


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> Buy the damn car! Life is too short.


It's not short if you run out of money before you die.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

What I am having a hard time grasping here, is that she went out and blew $3K on furniture that you did not need, yet claims that money is a concern. :scratchhead: Does not make sense. I feel like she should give in about you buying the car, if I had a husband who had just beaten cancer, I would be wanting him to have whatever it is that he wants. You want a new car, I feel like you have earned it after going through that hell. 

Sorry, but you cant claim "money concerns" only when its someone else wanting something, and you just blew a wad of money on something unnecessary for yourself.


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> What I am having a hard time grasping here, is that she went out and blew $3K on furniture that you did not need, yet claims that money is a concern. :scratchhead: Does not make sense. I feel like she should give in about you buying the car, if I had a husband who had just beaten cancer, I would be wanting him to have whatever it is that he wants. You want a new car, I feel like you have earned it after going through that hell.
> 
> Sorry, but you cant claim "money concerns" only when its someone else wanting something, and you just blew a wad of money on something unnecessary for yourself.


She has mentioned before she feels I sm using cancer as an excuse to better my cause. She has depression, and will counter that my brush with death via Stage 3 cancer is no different than her depression. Ie life is too short could be used for her too. 

Her response to the furniture is that it was antique and might be awhile before it came around again. Also it was only $3000, not $20 or $40, so dont even compare them. It was only $3000 and my vehicle could be $20-$30 after trade in.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

Humm if it was my spouse that spent $3000 without talking with me I would be one hot cookie. She says no to the car then I would tell her she needs to find away to put back the $3000 for the furniture. All's fair in love and war.

Give up the fight for the car, maybe after she is told to pay the money back she will give a little. Hey, I have a 1996 Ford Ranger I'll sell ya real cheap :lol:


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

Tomara said:


> Humm if it was my spouse that spent $3000 without talking with me I would be one hot cookie. She says no to the car then I would tell her she needs to find away to put back the $3000 for the furniture. All's fair in love and war.
> 
> Give up the fight for the car, maybe after she is told to pay the money back she will give a little. Hey, I have a 1996 Ford Ranger I'll sell ya real cheap :lol:


She talked to me. I just thought it wasnt best timing and we had just bought furniture a yr ago. I did not want to go through with it. But she decided to go ahead anyway.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

OP:

You're too focused on the car itself. Your problem is much more fundamental than that. Your wife feels that she can control the finances. That is a no-go in a healthy relationship. She vetoed the towels then spent 3 grand on furniture against your wishes. The price of the car is irrelevant. This is a control issue.

What exactly does she mean by "go to war"? Have you ever stood up to her in issues of finance before? 

I would set a boundary if I were in your shoes. Sit her down and tell her calmly but firmly that you are not a child and will not be treated as such. You want the car, you have determined that is will not create a financial hardship and you will not wait another 7 weeks for it, let alone 7 years. If she threatens "war" again, nip it in the bud. Tell her flatly that you can wage war as well. If she tries to punish you or take some kind of destructive action you will open your own bank accounts and deposit your income there. You will transfer only the amount you deem appropriate into the joint account for household expenses and nothing more. Be calm but firm. Make sure she knows you mean business.

I too have stared my own mortality in the face. It changed me irreversibly. I'm sure you have changed as well. Don't squander your new perspective by allowing yourself to be treated like a second class citizen in your own marriage. Life is too short, my friend. If she is really willing to become your adversary over a new car you can easily afford, you may want to reconsider how many more of the days you have left you wish to spend with her.


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

zookeeper said:


> OP:
> 
> You're too focused on the car itself. Your problem is much more fundamental than that. Your wife feels that she can control the finances. That is a no-go in a healthy relationship. She vetoed the towels then spent 3 grand on furniture against your wishes. The price of the car is irrelevant. This is a control issue.
> 
> ...


I have never really challenged her on finances. When on disability and after losing my job I was still making almost a six figure salary though, with a sux figure severance and education that I thought would not keep me unemployed for long. Which it didnt as i was back to work quickly after losing my job. I respected she wanted to stop spending totally because the future was uncertain. But again I still was making six figures almost on disability when I bought 2 towels for $9 totalfor one of our bathrooms. Her reaction was visceral and as if I had cheated on her. Same thing one night when I bought frozen microwaveable peas and not a whole bag. 

I backed down in both these situations. When I was close to buying this vehicle last yr she brought out that she would wage war. When asked she didnt know what that meant exactly. But i backed off. 

Now I believe that although we are on the good side of finances it still is going to take us down. She wanted a new foam for the bed in our guest room. Nothing wrong with current one and I like it for my arthritis. Why spend $200 if we dont need it. She bought one for our bed. I said let me try it out for awhile and compare. I came home last night and she had gone ahead and bought a new foam for guest bed, never waited. I was surprised yet again. 

I wonder if now is the time to challenge. I want to see a therapist but i know she wont go. When challenged like last time why not, she will just say she is not interested. I prob will go myself. 

She will say prob I always say no to her. So she just has to go buy these things without me on board. But i firmly disagree with that. There have been many instances of supporting her needs. She wanted to work 4 days a week when there was no reason to, i said sure. She wanted to keep her beloved car out of winter, so we bought her a winter vehicle and she stores her car in winter. The list goes on. 

I am not sure what to do at this point but maybe my therapist will help out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Seems like you've done a good job of teaching her how to get what she wants. She throws a hissy fit about your spending, you roll over. You want to spend money, she says no and you back down. She knows exactly what buttons to push. Does she control you in other aspects too? Have you looked a the "No More Mr. Nice Guy" book?

C


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

zookeeper said:


> I would set a boundary if I were in your shoes. Sit her down and tell her calmly but firmly that you are not a child and will not be treated as such. You want the car, you have determined that is will not create a financial hardship and you will not wait another 7 weeks for it, let alone 7 years. If she threatens "war" again, nip it in the bud. Tell her flatly that you can wage war as well. If she tries to punish you or take some kind of destructive action you will open your own bank accounts and deposit your income there. You will transfer only the amount you deem appropriate into the joint account for household expenses and nothing more. Be calm but firm. Make sure she knows you mean business.


I think THIS is very good advice! Threaten to cut those purse strings.


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

When I discussed going ahead with the vehicle, she said then there would be no money for travel. That is not the case but I definitely do not want to give up travel. So I backed off. 

When I came up with cutting some travel I wanted to do, then it became well then she would have to go by herself. I kind of get stopped no matter what I cone up with lol.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> I think THIS is very good advice! Threaten to cut those purse strings.


I am concerned if I go that route, or split finances, that will start a slippery slope towards the end...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## evenstar (Jul 26, 2013)

If you fear a slippery slope you will never have her respect. It is despicable that she is not on your side when you have faced and beaten cancer. Cancer and depression are NOT equivalent and she is trying any tactic to control what you do. Don't let her. She's just financially bullying you.

You've got all the important financial bases covered - good job, life insurance, health care covered if you have a relapse - she has no excuse whatsover.

She's run the show so far - what has that gotten you? Someone resentful of your very reasonable desire to fulfill some wishes on your bucket list. I'm wondering why you care if you start a slippery slope by standing up to her. You earned that money! She doesn't get to tell you what to do with it!


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## Kria (Aug 4, 2013)

sunnyroses said:


> She has mentioned before she feels I sm using cancer as an excuse to better my cause. She has depression, and will counter that my brush with death via Stage 3 cancer is no different than her depression. Ie life is too short could be used for her too.
> 
> Her response to the furniture is that it was antique and might be awhile before it came around again. Also it was only $3000, not $20 or $40, so dont even compare them. It was only $3000 and my vehicle could be $20-$30 after trade in.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


While I don't agree with your wife buying the $3000 furniture behind your back, I also understand that $3000 is 10 times less than $30,000. Why can't you compromise and buy a used car for half the price or less?


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

evenstar said:


> If you fear a slippery slope you will never have her respect. It is despicable that she is not on your side when you have faced and beaten cancer. Cancer and depression are NOT equivalent and she is trying any tactic to control what you do. Don't let her. She's just financially bullying you.
> 
> You've got all the important financial bases covered - good job, life insurance, health care covered if you have a relapse - she has no excuse whatsover.
> 
> She's run the show so far - what has that gotten you? Someone resentful of your very reasonable desire to fulfill some wishes on your bucket list. I'm wondering why you care if you start a slippery slope by standing up to her. You earned that money! She doesn't get to tell you what to do with it!


She has said to me in the past don't start with your cancer as her depression and possible suicidal thoughts are no different. I hate to start comparing, but she has had depression for 25 years and is here. I am comfortable in the fact she will still be here in another 25. I, with Stage III cancer, have a concrete and real 30% chance of not being here in 5 years.

Well not much has it gotten me! A lot of stress I guess. I do not know why I care to be honest...the uncertainty of what is to come scares me.


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

canjad80 said:


> On the car vs furniture issue. If she used 100% of her own money for that purchase, I see no problem at all with it. Similarly if you would be using 100% of your own money to buy your car then go for it. Anything involving joint savings though there must be agreement. If she spent thousands of dollars of joint money without your approval there is a serious lack of respect and some major communication problems that need to be addressed.


We are all joint. I agree, and when I pressed her the response was since it was antique furniture she has been looking for awhile, you never know when it will come up. So she had to buy it now. My counter is I could find a perfect used vehicle with all my options for $20,000 and have to buy it now for the SAME reason. She said you cannot compare $3k vs $20k. I think its the principle and respect though of the matter, the amount is irrelevant.

Funny, half the furniture she bought was a 3 piece living room set. Now she is having second thoughts and says she made a mistake since they all match. I mean I agree with her point thankfully it is only $1,000, but still, why would you not be certain?? Now I am sure her next step will be pushing to get the chair fabric redone sooner than later, even though they are just like new.


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

lenzi said:


> The car is 7 yrs old and runs fine.
> 
> I don't see a reason to spend $40,000 on a new one.
> 
> ...


The furniture was also 1 yr old and did NOT have to be changed. It was a want. I could spend $10k on a car and she will not say yes, because she feels I do not need a new one. My want is squashed, hers has merit and she goes ahead without my approval. Just seems like something is wrong with that equation..


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

sunnyroses said:


> I am concerned if I go that route, or split finances, that will start a slippery slope towards the end...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Seems to me that there is a good chance you are already sliding. Continue on your current course and the end may be inevitable. 



sunnyroses said:


> She has said to me in the past don't start with your cancer as her depression and possible suicidal thoughts are no different. I hate to start comparing, but she has had depression for 25 years and is here. I am comfortable in the fact she will still be here in another 25. I, with Stage III cancer, have a concrete and real 30% chance of not being here in 5 years.
> 
> Well not much has it gotten me! A lot of stress I guess. I do not know why I care to be honest...the uncertainty of what is to come scares me.


No reason to compare your illness and hers. In truth, it is irrelevant. You don't want the car because of the cancer, you want it because you want it. You make a healthy living, have apparently planned very responsibly for the future and are in a good position. I don't think I would spend 40 grand on a new car in your position, but I'm not you. If the car is your great passion and you're not blowing money left and right it, what is the great, egregious wrong in buying it? That being said, I wonder if you do in fact restrict your wife's spending more than you think. This gate swings both ways. 

Stick to what is relevant. You want the car, the finances are solid, there is no hardship and you are buying it . Or continue to let her authority go unchallenged and feel the resentment build and poison the marriage further.


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> What I am having a hard time grasping here, is that she went out and blew $3K on furniture that you did not need, yet claims that money is a concern. :scratchhead: Does not make sense. I feel like she should give in about you buying the car, if I had a husband who had just beaten cancer, I would be wanting him to have whatever it is that he wants. You want a new car, I feel like you have earned it after going through that hell.


She would respond that she goes through hell each and every day with her depression, so don't start talking to me about going through hell...


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

zookeeper said:


> That being said, I wonder if you do in fact restrict your wife's spending more than you think. This gate swings both ways.


I honestly do not restrict her spending. She had a bad financial situation with a prior relationship 15 years ago. No matter how much money we have accumulated,she seems to think we will still be bankrupt some day. She lives in the past very much.

So with that, she feels she has to reign in her spending. I know our finances are more than fine, so I constantly encourage her to take a trip or buy clothes. She says no because she cant get over the hump or feels she has to compromise because I am spending.

So I do not tell her no. But when it comes up, she leverages the fact she hasn't travelled in two years, and says no all the time to things she wants. but that is her choice, she is erring on the extreme side of finance caution. So it is fine to be like that, I just do not agree with using it in my face as a counter all the time.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

sunnyroses said:


> I honestly do not restrict her spending. She had a bad financial situation with a prior relationship 15 years ago. No matter how much money we have accumulated,she seems to think we will still be bankrupt some day. She lives in the past very much.
> 
> So with that, she feels she has to reign in her spending. I know our finances are more than fine, so I constantly encourage her to take a trip or buy clothes. She says no because she cant get over the hump or feels she has to compromise because I am spending.
> 
> So I do not tell her no. But when it comes up, she leverages the fact she hasn't travelled in two years, and says no all the time to things she wants. but that is her choice, she is erring on the extreme side of finance caution. So it is fine to be like that, I just do not agree with using it in my face as a counter all the time.


So are you going to buy the car or are you going to keep trying to persuade her to give you permission? Using reason to convince someone whose position is not based in reason is futile. 

You will either take action and enforce a boundary (accepting the potential fallout) or continue to watch your desires be increasingly marginalized. What do YOU what your future to be?


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

I agree, reasoning has only got me frustrated.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Joannam (Aug 1, 2013)

Well done on getting through cancer. I had it many years ago and it totally changed my outlook on life after that. Up to then I was materialistic too. 

Will it really enhance your life if you drive that car you want so much??? Will the new furniture make life so much better????? Is understanding the gift that you have by just being alive not more important then anything money can buy???? Yes go and travel broaden your experience in life spend some quality time with people that means a lot to you in your life. Helping others maybe???? Maybe we all look at life differently and being really close to death has just changed what I value in life. For me it will never be money. Life is very short too short to argue about money that will never feed the soul.


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

I def want to have life experience. This is just one large material "want" that I really did not think would even hit the radar...now it has the makings to take us down because we are both not prepared to give.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Honestly reading this thread I dont think the cancer, depression, furniture, or the car are even issues as much as they are symptoms of the underlying problem. 

First, it really doesnt sound like you two should have joint accounts as far as finances are concerned. Especially if you both have an income and seem to have very different views on how money should be saved and spent.

While I can see things from your point of view, buying a $40k car doesnt make anymore sense than buying furniture you dont need if u already have a working vehicle. But if u can afford it, planned for it financially, and it's coming from your income which is more than hers you should be able to buy it. Especially if your wife buys what she wants anyway regardless of whether you agree or not.

Second, and Im not trying to be mean, but you come off as a nice guy/doormat. You sound like youre afraid of upsetting your wife and rocking the boat. Before a car or anything i think you need to figure out how to work on getting out of that mindset.


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

Jasel said:


> Honestly reading this thread I dont think the cancer, depression, furniture, or the car are even issues as much as they are symptoms of the underlying problem.
> 
> First, it really doesnt sound like you two should have joint accounts as far as finances are concerned. Especially if you both have an income and seem to have very different views on how money should be saved and spent.
> 
> ...


Excellent point. I have started to try to stand up and not be silent anymore. Small steps, but I am trying. When something used to happen, I would just let it go instead of creating a conflict.

For ex., this week I was late from work about 30 mins compared to normal. She always for some reason starts to think the worst and tries to get a hold of me. This time, like some times prior, I wasnt able to return her text. Or would never have thought anything of it to be honest since I was not 5 hours MIA. So when she jumped at me when I got home, as if Id been away with my mistress, i told her this cannot continue. Sencan be concerned but not mad if I happen to be 30 mins late one day. 

Its hard thou when walking away is so ingrained...


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

zookeeper said:


> OP:
> 
> You're too focused on the car itself. Your problem is much more fundamental than that. Your wife feels that she can control the finances. That is a no-go in a healthy relationship. She vetoed the towels then spent 3 grand on furniture against your wishes. The price of the car is irrelevant. This is a control issue.
> 
> ...


Her punishment if I go fwd with the vehicle is that she says she wont be going on the two small trips we have planned in Sep and Feb. so i guess trying to get at me by taking away the travel that i def do not want to change. I guess i could just travel on my own but that is not the point of what i want from this relationship.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

sunnyroses said:


> Her punishment if I go fwd with the vehicle is that she says she wont be going on the two small trips we have planned in Sep and Feb. so i guess trying to get at me by taking away the travel that i def do not want to change. I guess i could just travel on my own but that is not the point of what i want from this relationship.


Statements like this confuse me. Is the current situation what you want from the relationship? I'm guessing not. So what exactly are you risking by buying the car? Call her bluff. Buy the car. Plan the trips. I'll bet she goes with you. If she refuses to go, what kind of relationship do you really have? Do you really want to take these trips with that person? Out of the frying pan and into the frying pan seems like a lateral move to me.

You can continue to yield to her threats, remain under her control and hope that she will someday change. She probably will. For the worse. Just listen to your own choice of words. You mention "her punishment" if you buy the car. Are you her husband or her child? Do you want to spend the rest of your days in a relationship with someone who would treat you like a petulant boy? Take action to either change the dynamic of the relationship for the better or send it to its inevitable demise.


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

zookeeper said:


> Statements like this confuse me. Is the current situation what you want from the relationship? I'm guessing not. So what exactly are you risking by buying the car? Call her bluff. Buy the car. Plan the trips. I'll bet she goes with you. If she refuses to go, what kind of relationship do you really have? Do you really want to take these trips with that person? Out of the frying pan and into the frying pan seems like a lateral move to me.
> 
> You can continue to yield to her threats, remain under her control and hope that she will someday change. She probably will. For the worse. Just listen to your own choice of words. You mention "her punishment" if you buy the car. Are you her husband or her child? Do you want to spend the rest of your days in a relationship with someone who would treat you like a petulant boy? Take action to either change the dynamic of the relationship for the better or send it to its inevitable demise.


I would like to make it work. The bottom line is we could afford $9 towels obviously before. We can afford $20k for a car now. She is nit comfortabke though with either situation financially. I feel like therefore i have to go along with her and respect her wishes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

Maybe this is actually the final straw in this relationship for me. The more I think about her reaction the less happy I am about our future.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

Well I think I am about to push this relationship to a place it hasn't been this wknd. 

I am scared to death..I dont know why but I am.

Yes I have many things I want to do in life after beating cancer..but one thing right now is a new vehicle. It prob doesnt make sense to most, but I like new gadgets and things, and after 7 years with my current vehicle it is a want.

So I have now found a great deal, and after trade in, I need to pay $20,000. Half of what I had planned before.

My wife has assured me her answer is not going to change unless the car costs zero.

People have made some very, very insightful comments through these pages. I really think I have more than aversion to conflict with her, and constantly back down. I think I realize now that having no backbone has created this less than perfect world I live in now with my wife.

Strangely, I was caught by the comment about me making twice what she does. Someone said since you do, and can afford this car, and have earned it, go buy it. I think if I was to mention the "I make twice what you make" angle she would completely flip out.

But I like to think about things from the other side. So if this was her, making twice what I did, asking for the same...I cannot FATHOM starting a war over that. Add in the cancer battle of late, if that was again her, and I just do not understand her take on this.

So as it stands now I am ready to move on a car this wknd. Amazing deal. Car I want. We plan to talk Fri night. I know she will say no. That is a given. I am just trying to get the balls to move fwd Sat with my purchase and sit back for the next chapter...I hope I find the strength somehow. I know inside this car is just an example of a much bigger issue...


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

sunnyroses said:


> I know inside this car is just an example of a much bigger issue...


I thought your scenario felt familiar. 

If you know this is part of a bigger issue, why not start there before getting the car? You know this is a want, an irrational want. Nothing wrong with that. But this has been a year in the making and the same issue between you. She is stomping her foot and threatening what will happen if you do this. Meanwhile, it sounds like you're also about to stomp your foot and say "tough sh!t". Neither of these responses have understanding or respect towards each other. Sure it would send a message and maybe it would bring everything to the surface from her in an explosive way. So what could you do, car and money aside, to approach what this is really about and start being supportive to one another. 

Yes, you could justify the purchase and you have a good deal but as you've already said, it's not about that.

You seem to hold on to the fact that she bought furniture. How did you deal with that in the moment? Did you tell her you felt disrespected and that you needed agreement to both discuss big purchases together in future?


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

heartsbeating said:


> I thought your scenario felt familiar.
> 
> If you know this is part of a bigger issue, why not start there before getting the car? You know this is a want, an irrational want. Nothing wrong with that. But this has been a year in the making and the same issue between you. She is stomping her foot and threatening what will happen if you do this. Meanwhile, it sounds like you're also about to stomp your foot and say "tough sh!t". Neither of these responses have understanding or respect towards each other. Sure it would send a message and maybe it would bring everything to the surface from her in an explosive way. So what could you do, car and money aside, to approach what this is really about and start being supportive to one another.
> 
> ...


I am not holding on to the furniture purchase any longer. We did talk about it. It ended with a level of purchase being agreed to for the future. But i didnt get the sense she thought the purchase was a big deal. She kept using the fact that the pieces only come up when they do on kijiji and she had to act.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

sunnyroses said:


> Well I think I am about to push this relationship to a place it hasn't been this wknd.
> 
> I am scared to death..I dont know why but I am.
> 
> ...


I cringe when I read your posts. You are stuck in the Drama Triangle....right at the "pleaser role"! No offense, but you also seem very passive, almost stuck in co-dependency. You know what a co-dependents motto is. "I love for what she/he is all about and stands for...tomorrow, when she changes, then things will be awesome!"

please read a book called "No More mr nice guy". You can get it from amazon. $9.99. 

How are other aspects of your relationship? Great sex? Otherwise get along and have fun?

If no....then, yes. Your waiting for that wonderful tomorrow to magically appear.


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

alphaomega said:


> I cringe when I read your posts. You are stuck in the Drama Triangle....right at the "pleaser role"! No offense, but you also seem very passive, almost stuck in co-dependency. You know what a co-dependents motto is. "I love for what she/he is all about and stands for...tomorrow, when she changes, then things will be awesome!"
> 
> please read a book called "No More mr nice guy". You can get it from amazon. $9.99.
> 
> ...


Other aspects are ok. I have felt like we are roommates for a long time. I have asked for a few needs in the relationship but to no avail. Sex is not great as she has a low sex drive due to her mental illness perhaps and me high. No kids but we prob only have sex once a week at best. 

We do have fun but I have always wanted more. More affection, less drama when she shuts down during conflicts instead of communicating..but we have had to operate under her being ill and my cancer the last few yrs so that environment can put strains on things.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

After my CA battle 5 years ago I went looking at Motorcycles for which I have an expensive taste. My wife went with me. We were looking at Honda Goldwings after a while of looking she said "So babe which one do like best"? I said the Titanium one thats tricked out with all the bells and whistles.

She turned on her heels (oh how I love heels) and with out the slightest hesitation called the salesman over and said; "he will have this one sir go ahead and start the paperwork." Tuesday I will make my last payment. What a woman!

Conclusion; Life is short so burn the candle at both ends, through the middle, down the sides and up the back. If she is that selfish then you need to put your foot down and say this may be the last time I am able to do something like this. So you can sulk or smile and enjoy the ride cause I will.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So you made an agreement with her about what level of purchase needs to be "agreed upon" before purchasing, and now you're going to turn around and ignore that? Why did you bother? And now you're going to have a discussion with her today, but expect her to say no, and then plan on just ignoring her anyway? Dude, you're just making your own conflict.

C


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I think that's awesome, go for it! I am cheering you on over here!


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

sunnyroses said:


> Other aspects are ok. I have felt like we are roommates for a long time. I have asked for a few needs in the relationship but to no avail. Sex is not great as she has a low sex drive due to her mental illness perhaps and me high. No kids but we prob only have sex once a week at best.
> 
> We do have fun but I have always wanted more. More affection, less drama when she shuts down during conflicts instead of communicating..but we have had to operate under her being ill and my cancer the last few yrs so that environment can put strains on things.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ok sunny, I need to be blunt here. You have been given a second chance of life by beating cancer. You know this already. 

And you are wasting that second life with this woman who is selfish and controlling. She is selfish because she only wants what she wants, and doesn't give a crap about your wants and needs. She said she would start a war if you bought a car ? Sounds controlling to me.

Add to this that you have a lousy sex life (yes, "probably once a week" and not having kids is lousy.), and you do not have kids.

Why are you staying ? Time to get on with your new lease on life and leave this woman in the rear view mirror of your old life.


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

Stonewall said:


> After my CA battle 5 years ago I went looking at Motorcycles for which I have an expensive taste. My wife went with me. We were looking at Honda Goldwings after a while of looking she said "So babe which one do like best"? I said the Titanium one thats tricked out with all the bells and whistles.
> 
> She turned on her heels (oh how I love heels) and with out the slightest hesitation called the salesman over and said; "he will have this one sir go ahead and start the paperwork." Tuesday I will make my last payment. What a woman!
> 
> Conclusion; Life is short so burn the candle at both ends, through the middle, down the sides and up the back. If she is that selfish then you need to put your foot down and say this may be the last time I am able to do something like this. So you can sulk or smile and enjoy the ride cause I will.


I know it is just one example, but I am surprised at the "I will start a war comment" over the car purchase last year. I was definitely thinking, hoping, assuming...after my cancer that I would have the motorcycle loving wife from the prior poster.

Again her reply to the car purchase is she is not comfortable at night sleeping with this purchase. She is much more fiscally conservative than I. We always battle over that part. So while some have said just go ahead, her response is that I am not respecting her by doing that.


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

PBear said:


> So you made an agreement with her about what level of purchase needs to be "agreed upon" before purchasing, and now you're going to turn around and ignore that? Why did you bother? And now you're going to have a discussion with her today, but expect her to say no, and then plan on just ignoring her anyway? Dude, you're just making your own conflict.
> 
> C


I understand but I guess I am thinking as others have mentioned...maybe go ahead and just blow this thing up. Either we will come out on the other end good or bad. But I guess I could do that without buying a car. I just feel we wont get anywhere because we have had some chats before on finances.

I agree, I am bringing the conflict upon me. But in the "perfect" world I would have had a supportive wife who realized this was important to me for whatever crazy reason, and would have softened a bit on her finance take of our situation. We can afford it no issues. But if you state I am not comfortable with you buying this because then I wont sleep at night, I get stuck arguing against that. Then I push and you say well then I wont be travelling with you any more because there will be no money for travel. I guess I keep stupidly thinking it will change...


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

barbados said:


> Ok sunny, I need to be blunt here. You have been given a second chance of life by beating cancer. You know this already.
> 
> And you are wasting that second life with this woman who is selfish and controlling. She is selfish because she only wants what she wants, and doesn't give a crap about your wants and needs. She said she would start a war if you bought a car ? Sounds controlling to me.
> 
> ...


I keep staying for two reasons.

One, I think at some point it will get better. I have been waiting three years for that. I was ready to move on and then I got diagnosed with cancer two years ago. Now I have come back to the same point.

Two, I am scared of the other side. I love being with someone and sharing life. I am 40 with little baggage, no kids, and make just over $100k a year. People have said I will find someone else no problem. I think that I might be alone for a long time and that would be hard on me, especially after the cancer battle. But yes the flip side is stay and keep hoping...and I know where that is going to get me. Back on this forum posting next year the same issues...


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

I think the other issue on the table is travel. We were at odds on that in the past. She decided to pass on some trips because again she did not feel comfortable spending the monies, or just did not want to go since she was not feeling up to it.

However, I had friends take me to Las Vegas prior to chemo and radiation for 4 days two years ago. I had mentioned I wasn’t going to travel last year since we were trying to hunker down financially (not my decision) since I was on LTD. But I had an offer to piggy back with a friend to Florida for about $1,000 for a week. Was a perfect bookend to my cancer battle. Celeberate being done with one of my closest friends.

But my wife flipped out since I said I would not travel. Again I was flabbergasted by her response. I went, but have paid for it in that she keeps bringing up the odd time how I have had two trips lately and her none. Just seems something a roommate would mention in jest, not a caring wife.
So I could bring up my issues now with travel and vehicle. Her response will be this:
-	She is not comfortable financially with me purchasing a car. If I do, we wont; travel together because she will feel we have no money for that then.
-	We are going away together in Feb but I have a chance to take another cheap trip with one of my good friends in Nov. She will say I have already had many trips and why another one? We don’t have the money to do that and for her and I to go away in Feb. That is not the case financially, but that is what her response will be.
I just do not know how to rationalize when her response is that she is not comfortable financially doing these things. I either say ok, and back down. Or buy a car and take a trip and start a war.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I'm sorry but she sounds totaly unfair.........and like a bi*ch to me.


sorry you are hooked up to such a nasty person. almost sounds like she is waiting for you to die so she can have everything for her self!


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

sunnyroses said:


> I keep staying for two reasons.
> 
> One, I think at some point it will get better. I have been waiting three years for that. I was ready to move on and then I got diagnosed with cancer two years ago. Now I have come back to the same point.
> 
> Two, I am scared of the other side. I love being with someone and sharing life. *I am 40 with little baggage, no kids, and make just over $100k a year. People have said I will find someone else no problem.* I think that I might be alone for a long time and that would be hard on me, especially after the cancer battle. But yes the flip side is stay and keep hoping...and I know where that is going to get me. Back on this forum posting next year the same issues...


You should listen to those people, because they are 100% correct. You my friend are a catch. Only 40, NO KIDS, 100K + income, the dating world will be your oyster if you just believe in yourself. 

BTW, if you are worrying about age, my sister married her husband when he was 43, and they have been married now for 26 years ! And he had kids and baggage !


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

sunnyroses said:


> I keep staying for two reasons.
> 
> One, I think at some point it will get better. I have been waiting three years for that. I was ready to move on and then I got diagnosed with cancer two years ago. Now I have come back to the same point.
> 
> Two, I am scared of the other side. I love being with someone and sharing life. I am 40 with little baggage, no kids, and make just over $100k a year. People have said I will find someone else no problem. I think that I might be alone for a long time and that would be hard on me, especially after the cancer battle. But yes the flip side is stay and keep hoping...and I know where that is going to get me. Back on this forum posting next year the same issues...


It isnt going to get better, sorry. If getting a second chance at a life with you after a cancer battle has not changed her, then NOTHING is going to. 

Being by yourself is much better than being with someone who causes you distress and misery. You sound like a good catch, like someone else said, and I doubt you would be alone for long!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

sunnyroses said:


> I know it is just one example, but I am surprised at the "I will start a war comment" over the car purchase last year. I was definitely thinking, hoping, assuming...after my cancer that I would have the motorcycle loving wife from the prior poster.
> 
> Again her reply to the car purchase is she is not comfortable at night sleeping with this purchase. She is much more fiscally conservative than I. We always battle over that part. So while some have said just go ahead, her response is that I am not respecting her by doing that.


Ask her how comfortable she is going to be when she doesn't have your life insurance policy to count on. Tell her to count sheep and not dollar bills.


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> It isnt going to get better, sorry. If getting a second chance at a life with you after a cancer battle has not changed her, then NOTHING is going to.
> 
> Being by yourself is much better than being with someone who causes you distress and misery. You sound like a good catch, like someone else said, and I doubt you would be alone for long!


I do keep waiting. She is very stuck it seems in the past. I mentioned much of this to a counsellor before.Especially the conflict resolution. 

When we fight, she will simply stop talking to me. We had it happen once and it continued for over a week. It was ridiculous. The counsellor stated this was something who clearly had grown up with no conflict resolution skills. And in stopping talking, was abusing me to make me feel like a nothing.

Fast fwd to the finances and 15 years ago in her previous marriage it ended due to her prior husband wanting to be an entrepreneur and bringing home no income. So they almost hit rock bottom. But that was him, not me. I am well educated and we are doing well financially. But she always references that when it is convenient (ie larger purchases of mine or ours). That she has seen what its like on the other side. And I respect that..after getting hit with cancer and going on LTD there was a financial worry..somewhat. But this was the same before my cancer. She is very stuck in the past and no matter how much money is in the bank she never seems like it is enough for her.


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

chillymorn said:


> I'm sorry but she sounds totaly unfair.........and like a bi*ch to me.
> 
> 
> sorry you are hooked up to such a nasty person. almost sounds like she is waiting for you to die so she can have everything for her self!


Well I sure hope that is not the case. I think her finance aversion certainly is not meshing with my lack of lately. But that just goes into the pot I guess with all the issues and makes it hard to think about a future together.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Your quote...

One, I think at some point it will get better

Arrghh! Read the book! 2 hours out of your life, a lifetime of increased behavioral interaction skills!

No more mr nice guy.

And thus one too! While your at it..
Married Man Sex Life Primer


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

*I STOOD UP!!! lol*

So after shopping at the mall with my wife, when we met up she immediately looked aghast at my 2 bags and asked how much did I spend? This happens all the time over the last 10 yrs.

When we got home, she asked whether I in fact needed the $23 shirt I bought since I had so many.

I decided I was done. We had plans for the afternoon I said I need 5 minutes to talk first. I said we needed to stop this and that I felt really bad and like a child when she reacts that way. I would never do that to her.

She replied that if I stopped talking about the car then she would stop her reacting. I said I still was looking for a vehicle and was not prepared to wait another 8 years as she wants me to. 

And I said they are separate issues. She said she did not want to talk about it further. She asked if we were going to have a bad time this aft. I said prob so and I was going to pass. She was steamed, and said then she was passing on the visit to my parents tomorrow. I said that was fair (which I may or may not agree with lol) and left it at that.

As you know, she has no conflict resolution skills and simply stops talking to me. Which she obviously did right after this talk!

I feel kind of empowered, kind of good, kind of something right now..I have no idea when we see each other next what things are going to be like...


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

alphaomega said:


> Your quote...
> 
> One, I think at some point it will get better
> 
> ...



Thanks lol! I ordered the book and will have it read by next wknd. I also am going to see my counsellor next wknd to discuss all of this fun.

So update #2. When I got home today after being away overnight, she actually spoke to me. Well...she asked why I didnt stay away for the whole wknd with my parents. Then I asked where she had been in the afternoon as I got home and she wasnt home. Was only curious. Her response..does it matter? LOL OK then! So I went out for a few groceries and then came back now and she is gone.

As someone mentioned in a previous posting, I am not sure why I get questioned over a $23 shirt. I guess it is because she knows how to control things 10x better than me. I sit back and say nothing. When I finally make a stand like yesterday, then I get this. She stops talking to me and upright p*ssed at me. I know where I should go with this all but its hard. I would like to try to fix things through a counsellor as I know there are still positives. But she won't go since it is finances. She said she is too private of a person to discuss with our psych finances. I think it is because as someone awhile mentioned, she knows she is going to get called out for all this crap by the psych.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

sunnyroses said:


> I understand but I guess I am thinking as others have mentioned...maybe go ahead and just blow this thing up. Either we will come out on the other end good or bad. But I guess I could do that without buying a car. I just feel we wont get anywhere because we have had some chats before on finances.
> 
> I agree, I am bringing the conflict upon me. But in the "perfect" world I would have had a supportive wife who realized this was important to me for whatever crazy reason, and would have softened a bit on her finance take of our situation. We can afford it no issues. But if you state I am not comfortable with you buying this because then I wont sleep at night, I get stuck arguing against that. Then I push and you say well then I wont be travelling with you any more because there will be no money for travel. I guess I keep stupidly thinking it will change...


I'm not saying you shouldn't buy the car or go on a trip. I'm just saying that you shouldn't agree to one thing, and then go ad do the exact opposite. Draw out your boundaries and then stick to them. Don't do the wishy-washy passive-aggressive stuff.

Ask yourself this... What would John Wayne do?

C


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

PBear said:


> I'm not saying you shouldn't buy the car or go on a trip. I'm just saying that you shouldn't agree to one thing, and then go ad do the exact opposite. Draw out your boundaries and then stick to them. Don't do the wishy-washy passive-aggressive stuff.
> 
> Ask yourself this... What would John Wayne do?
> 
> C


I guess I have a hard time sticking with it. Like today when I am now getting the aftermath of sticking up over my $23 shirt. She is not talking to me and it sucks in the house right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

sunnyroses said:


> I guess I have a hard time sticking with it. Like today when I am now getting the aftermath of sticking up over my $23 shirt. She is not talking to me and it sucks in the house right now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Why does it suck in the house? Why do you let HER negative attitude impact you?

John Wayne would saddle up his horse and go round up some cattle... Not sit around and try to figure out the most likely way to fail the next sh1t test.

C


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

PBear said:


> Why does it suck in the house? Why do you let HER negative attitude impact you?
> 
> John Wayne would saddle up his horse and go round up some cattle... Not sit around and try to figure out the most likely way to fail the next sh1t test.
> 
> C


I try not to let it affect me but at the end of the day this is not what I want from my wife...so it does affect me and it is hard to be upbeat about this. Ending this does not make me excited, more sad. But I know if I keep things going, nothing will change.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

sunnyroses said:


> I try not to let it affect me but at the end of the day this is not what I want from my wife...so it does affect me and it is hard to be upbeat about this. Ending this does not make me excited, more sad. But I know if I keep things going, nothing will change.


Have you read up on the "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and "Married Mans Sex Life Primer"? You could also read up on "relationship fitness tests" in here (also covered in the primer). There ARE steps that you can try before ending things. But you've got years of training her how to treat you and get the results she wanted, so it won't happen overnight.

C


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

PBear said:


> Have you read up on the "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and "Married Mans Sex Life Primer"? You could also read up on "relationship fitness tests" in here (also covered in the primer). There ARE steps that you can try before ending things. But you've got years of training her how to treat you and get the results she wanted, so it won't happen overnight.
> 
> C


Mr Nice Guy book is on its way. 

I agree I have trained her well. 

Day 2 and she is still not talking to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

So when do you pick up the new car?


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

sunnyroses said:


> I keep staying for two reasons.
> 
> *One, I think at some point it will get better. I have been waiting three years for that. * I was ready to move on and then I got diagnosed with cancer two years ago. Now I have come back to the same point.
> 
> *Two, I am scared of the other side. I love being with someone and sharing life. I am 40 with little baggage, no kids, and make just over $100k a year.* People have said I will find someone else no problem. *I think that I might be alone for a long time and that would be hard on me*, especially after the cancer battle. *But yes the flip side is stay and keep hoping...and I know where that is going to get me. Back on this forum posting next year the same issues...*


My god you need to read this like 100x a day. You sound like an abuse victim :scratchhead: You just keep looking for excuses to stay and put up with a crappy relationship, yet all the excuses you come up with are ironically reasons why you either shouldn't put up with it or just leave.


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

zookeeper said:


> So when do you pick up the new car?


I don't. I have decided to wait and not compromise trying to get a less expensive car now. The one I want is out next year and will be $15k more than now. But its the one I really want.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

Jasel said:


> My god you need to read this like 100x a day. You sound like an abuse victim :scratchhead: You just keep looking for excuses to stay and put up with a crappy relationship, yet all the excuses you come up with are ironically reasons why you either shouldn't put up with it or just leave.


So leaving behind 10yrs of my life is not easy for me. I still would like to worth with a counsellor and bring things back to fair-dom.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

sunnyroses said:


> So leaving behind 10yrs of my life is not easy for me. I still would like to worth with a counsellor and bring things back to fair-dom.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Leaving behind 10 years of a being led by the nose and being treated like a child about money shouldn't be hard.

There is NOOOOOOOOOO way MC helps in your situation. You are denying yourself the better life you could be having, and the life clock is ticking.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Your wife is passive Agressive and you need to call her out on her behavior.

No need to wait for her to talk. You start the conversation, then follow it through.


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

alphaomega said:


> Your wife is passive Agressive and you need to call her out on her behavior.
> 
> No need to wait for her to talk. You start the conversation, then follow it through.


As usual she will say she has nothing to say. Prob is this time we need to have a discussion otherwise I feel there is no next time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

sunnyroses said:


> So leaving behind 10yrs of my life is not easy for me. I still would like to worth with a counsellor and bring things back to fair-dom.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No one said anything about it being easy. But I've seen people in marriages far longer than yours at the very least take the steps needed walk away when the writing was on the wall and their partner had no intention of addressing it.

The problem is it takes 2 people to make a relationship functional or get a relationship back on track when there are issues that need to be addressed. Neither one of you has really taken any steps to do so. It sounds like you've made suggestions and have tried to at least address the issues with her only to be continuously rebuffed and ignored until you back down. Then rinse and repeat.

I'm not saying you necessarily have to divorce but you seem incapable of truly standing up for yourself or showing your wife that her actions have consequences. She keeps behaving and thinking the way she does because she knows you aren't going anywhere and you're not going to do anything about it. All she has to do is pout, tell YOU what SHE's not going to put up with, ignore you for awhile, and she'll get her way. From what I've been reading it sounds like she's right.

I'm not trying to come down on you, the choice to stay as long as you like, work on moving on, or however you want to address your marriage is your own. But I stand by what I said that you keep making excuses to put up with a crappy situation and continuously put your desires on hold for the sake of not rocking the boat with your wife and upsetting HER. You keep doing the same thing that hasn't been working in the hopes that somehow doing the same thing is going to change your situation eventually. Deep down you have to know that's not going to happen. You either have to go about it a different way (and I'm not saying necessarily scorched earth) or just be content with the situation you're in.


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

Jasel said:


> No one said anything about it being easy. But I've seen people in marriages far longer than yours at the very least take the steps needed walk away when the writing was on the wall and their partner had no intention of addressing it.
> 
> The problem is it takes 2 people to make a relationship functional or get a relationship back on track when there are issues that need to be addressed. Neither one of you has really taken any steps to do so. It sounds like you've made suggestions and have tried to at least address the issues with her only to be continuously rebuffed and ignored until you back down. Then rinse and repeat.
> 
> ...


I fully agree. It is a big hole if I chose to stay and try to dig out. Leaving, although harder in my mind, may prove easiest route after all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

zookeeper said:


> OP:
> 
> You're too focused on the car itself. Your problem is much more fundamental than that. Your wife feels that she can control the finances. That is a no-go in a healthy relationship. She vetoed the towels then spent 3 grand on furniture against your wishes. The price of the car is irrelevant. This is a control issue.
> 
> ...


So back to this issue I go...

I have tried for compromises, and what I have offered is spending $20,000 after trade in on a new vehicle. The vehicle costs less than what we paid for my current one almost 8 years ago.

With this option my wife will not budge. She has not used the war word, but has offered the following:
- she will not want to spend money on as many trips going fwd, which obviously does not work for me
- she is not sure how long this would linger with her should I go fwd, and that she will never want to discuss the vehicle with family or friends as it will always be a bone of serious contention

I asked point blank that if I go ahead with this $20k option is that going to be the end of things for us. She said she was not sure but that it would be very bad.

So with all that, and me really thinking I am not wrong on this purchase..and feeling I have tried to compromise, and feel even without cancer involved this is not a major issue for us...but it has become one. But I plan to move forward and make the purchase and I guess see what happens in the next month or so. It should be entertaining...


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

zookeeper said:


> Statements like this confuse me. Is the current situation what you want from the relationship? I'm guessing not. So what exactly are you risking by buying the car? Call her bluff. Buy the car. Plan the trips. I'll bet she goes with you. If she refuses to go, what kind of relationship do you really have? Do you really want to take these trips with that person? Out of the frying pan and into the frying pan seems like a lateral move to me.
> 
> You can continue to yield to her threats, remain under her control and hope that she will someday change. She probably will. For the worse. Just listen to your own choice of words. You mention "her punishment" if you buy the car. Are you her husband or her child? Do you want to spend the rest of your days in a relationship with someone who would treat you like a petulant boy? Take action to either change the dynamic of the relationship for the better or send it to its inevitable demise.


This last sentence still gives me goosebumps..it's exactly the issue.


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

Well I bought the vehicle and we had a blow up.

I told her how things are not working and I am prepared for her war.

After one day of no talking she came back and said she had processed everything and wanted to move fwd. I guess that was an easy war...


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## Yolandi (Oct 27, 2013)

I'm glad you got your car! 

If I were you I would separate the finances. I'm not going to reread the whole thread, but if I remember correctly you make a lot more money than she does?

Life is too short to be belittled over $23 shirt purchases when you are financially stable.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

sunnyroses said:


> Well I bought the vehicle and we had a blow up.
> 
> I told her how things are not working and I am prepared for her war.
> 
> After one day of no talking she came back and said she had processed everything and wanted to move fwd. I guess that was an easy war...


Excellent! Now how's that new wardrobe coming? :smthumbup:


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

sunnyroses said:


> Well I bought the vehicle and we had a blow up.
> 
> I told her how things are not working and I am prepared for her war.
> 
> After one day of no talking she came back and said she had processed everything and wanted to move fwd. I guess that was an easy war...


or just the beginning. are you prepared for this type of interaction the rest of your marriage?

eyes wide open. is my suggestion.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

chillymorn said:


> or just the beginning. are you prepared for this type of interaction the rest of your marriage?
> 
> eyes wide open. is my suggestion.


I would agree with this. Seems like the latest battle in a passive-aggressive power struggle, where neither of you actually will deal with the problem, but just does what they want to anyway. 

But here's hoping things go better in the future!

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

PBear said:


> I would agree with this. Seems like the latest battle in a passive-aggressive power struggle, where neither of you actually will deal with the problem, but just does what they want to anyway.
> 
> But here's hoping things go better in the future!
> 
> ...


No we have hashed out many things. I think she finally realizes I was close to leaving. She broke down when that sunk in.

She is committed to making some changes and we will see. I am not super excited about the future, but enough to move fwd and see what the next few months bring. If things revert back to the old way then I am moving on with my life..period.


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

So after all of this...we have had quite a few raw discussions. I was feeling positive. Then reality kicked in, we got back to her old ways, and now she is also ill again with bad anxiety.

It again leaves me feeling guilty. I want to move on, full bore with life after seeing death three years ago with my cancer.

But now again we are stuck. It is not only her illness, it really comes down to the person I need in the relationship..she cannot be it anymore. Part illness, part just who she has grown or not grown into.

I really have come to the conclusion there is nothing wrong with her, maybe just who she is does not work for me any more. The cancer has definitely changed me.

I want to move on with life, and be happy. Who she is, and her illness, keep sadly getting in the way. I think the car purchase was almost me trying to push her to the edge. I know it was not the way to go about things, but I felt I had little to lose. That is not how I want to run things for the rest of our lives.

I don't know what to do honestly. Being on my own after the cancer scares me. Losing what little support I have from her might be too much for me. But I am totally healthy, everything all checked out, and feel like things are back to even better than they were prior to my diagnosis. Life is rolling. Except for one thing...


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Um, I am pretty sure that ANXIETY is NOT an illness!! Stop letting her make you feel guilty, and do what you feel is right for yourself. It does not appear that there is anything left between the two of you that is positive and loving, so allow you both to move on.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You've been given a second lease on life. Do you really want to squander it out of fear of the unknown?

When my husband died last year, I was terrified. We had been together our entire adult lives and then some. You know what? I'm alive and kicking and will deal with any health crisis when/if it occurs. You can hire people to help you in that event.


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