# Question about making do with what you have



## Drayvius (Nov 30, 2010)

Been a long while since I have posted on here. I appreciate peoples time as it was more for me to vent and at least see that I wasnt the only one that was feeling this. 

To recap, I was upset because my wife, to put it simply is uninteresting in bed. She does like sex and we have it frequantly, but it is the same every time. I wanted to do so much or at least try. To her credit, she has tried the things I am interested in. She has dressed in hot outfits for me, we have tried anal and she has done pictures and a few videos for me. She also made me get rid of the pictures and videos and won't do anymore. We did the anal once, and she wont do it again. She never really does the outfits anymore. 

I just view sex, well, a sexual relationship rather as exploring the possibilities of sex. I don't push her. All I can ever ask is that she try and she has. However I find myself in a bad place. I have spoke to her about what she wants...and there is nothing there really. She is not interested in doing things like that. 

So I find myself wondering, are there tricks to cope with this kind of situation?? She is beautiful, and I really do love her so I am not going anywhere. She HAS tried things, so I am not going to be pressuring, or really even trying to get her to do anything. So...does anyone have any tips or tricks that help to deal with this kind of situation?


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Not everyone is aroused \ excited by the same things. She has been willing to try, maybe she has not found what her "button" is?

Things like... taking it outside, mutual masturbation, toys, watching videos together, all things that she "might" like. Or it can be as simple as the kitchen counter, the lazyboy chair, the shower, different places to make it feel "different".

If you are able to make it comfortable and exciting, that helps. You do that by making it spontaneous. (don't ask to have sex in the kitchen... you make sure you have the opportunity for it to happen)

Things like... going out somewhere on a date, with other people, and flirting a lot. Text messages across the room. Getting more comfortable in expressing "what you would like to do to her", and maybe she will be more open in expressing what she wants. It takes a real comfort level to do that. She can't be afraid the video will be public, or worry about what you will ask for "next". I hope that makes sense?


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## Drayvius (Nov 30, 2010)

It makes sense, and I have tried a lot of those things.

She is NOT spontanious. The only time we have sex is before bed, in the bed room. This is certainly NOT due to a lack of effort on my part. 

she is also VERY, self concious. She doesnt like me to see her naked at all. Despite the fact that we have been married for years and have had sex plenty...it still seems to be taboo or something.

I have spoke to her about doing things and specifically asked her what she wants to do, but she is just not in to anything. Which is a reality that I am facing. Some people are into things, some people are not. I give her a lot of credit because she has come more forward that I would have thought and she has tried things , but she has tried them "to make me happy" not because she was interested.


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## His_Pixie (Jan 29, 2012)

Have you told her you *adore* her body? Have you told her you *crave* her body? Have you told her she's beautiful and you love to touch her and hold her and kiss her...everywhere? Have you ever just had a nonsexual appreciation of her body? Massage her back, shoulders & neck; give her a foot massage...NOT leading to sex. 

One of the nicest things my husband tells me, at night, when he has his arms wrapped around me, is "you feel so good, baby." And that does NOT mean we have sex (although I'm quite fine with *having* sex whenever).

Make her feel like she is your goddess. (I don't mean wait on her hand & foot.) 

I give you and her credit. It sounds like you communicate what you want and she accommodates. Maybe she's just not plain interested (that's sad); maybe you've just not found what really psyches her...


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

It took years of coaxing to pry open my wifes mind enough to get to that point. It was because she didnt know. Really! I got her to begin listening to Tiffany Granath show on sirius xm playboy channel and one day she just started opening up. I was thrilled and after 35 years of marriage sex is new all over. I am as happy as a puppy with 2 peckers!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

Not a unique situation at all. Eerily reminiscent of mine. At least your wife has gone on a few wild roads with you; anal is a pipe dream of mine and a nightmare for her. I'll leave you with two points: misery loves company and be happy with what you have. At least youre still getting some.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cjpa (Jul 17, 2012)

Buy her some Showtime/soft porn to watch, get her in the mood?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Drayvius said:


> she is also VERY, self concious. She doesnt like me to see her naked at all. Despite the fact that we have been married for years and have had sex plenty...it still seems to be taboo or something.


Ding! Ding! Ding! You should go back and mention this in the OP, because it is crucial information.

Never underestimate the impact of a very poor body image. It's a sex killer. I actually believe that one of the reason so many Americans are in sexless marriages at least partially correlates to the massive increase in obesity in this nation (I am not suggesting that your wife's issue is obesity). When a person is very uncomfortable in their own skin, to the point where they are adverse to being nude in front of their spouse, there is a psychological and emotional blockage there that will make interesting, expressive sex VERY difficult to achieve. The person with deep body image issues has them on their mind constantly. They spend every day feeling bad about themselves on some level. Some will never be unbound and free enough to truly be sexually liberated until their issues are resolved.


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## ffp20 (Nov 13, 2011)

jaquen said:


> Ding! Ding! Ding! You should go back and mention this in the OP, because it is crucial information.
> 
> Never underestimate the impact of a very poor body image. It's a sex killer. I actually believe that one of the reason so many Americans are in sexless marriages at least partially correlates to the massive increase in obesity in this nation (I am not suggesting that your wife's issue is obesity). When a person is very uncomfortable in their own skin, to the point where they are adverse to being nude in front of their spouse, there is a psychological and emotional blockage there that will make interesting, expressive sex VERY difficult to achieve. The person with deep body image issues has them on their mind constantly. They spend every day feeling bad about themselves on some level. Some will never be unbound and free enough to truly be sexually liberated until their issues are resolved.


I get that. My wife used that excuse on me for years. Since she never did anything to help herself with that....i felt it was all BS.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

ffp20 said:


> I get that. My wife used that excuse on me for years. Since she never did anything to help herself with that....i felt it was all BS.


My STBXW did that to me, as well as other intimacy killers. My take on it? At some point, if your partner doesn't make any effort to work on the problems, then THEY'RE the problem. Same as porn affecting a relationship, or drinking or drugs or any other vice of choice. I'd stick around and help someone who wants to help themselves. I wouldn't stick around with someone who wants to b1tch about how tough they have things but won't lift a finger to try to change.

C


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## summer2339 (Jul 24, 2012)

Agreed, self-esteem can play a big part in it. Make her feel wanted and beautiful. Have you tried other things or told her how much you did like it when she wore hot outfits or took pictures? Does she realize she isn't pleasing you? Sex with the same person for a long a time requires some adventures for sure. I'm pretty much open to anything and tend to be a pleaser so it's a little hard for me to understand. You will have to be totally open with her and ask her to just try some things and see if she can become more adventurous again. Good luck!


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## Drayvius (Nov 30, 2010)

I do see what all of you are saying, however it is not something that I havn't known or havn't tried to find ways of making her feel beautiful. I comment on her body all the time, and not just during sex, or even in a sexual way. I can compliment her all the time, but I don't know how to make her FEEL beautiful. I acctually pressed her pretty hard a few years ago. She is real adamant about me not watching porn. So I asked her to make some with me so I could watch that. She was very self concious, and didnt want to. We DID settle on taking some pictures that were not even nudes but of her in some nice nighties and stuff. My thought behind that was that if I can take some pictures of her, and she can see them, and see how I reacted to them, then just maybe that will help. Well, it didn't. 

The reason that I didn't include that in the OP, was because this post wasnt supposed to be about "fixing" the situation, as I had already come on here once to try to fix it and have been told the same things that you guys are saying now. Ultimatly I don't think there is really anything that I can do to make her feel good or beautiful. Some of that is going to end up on her no matter what I do.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Drayvius said:


> I do see what all of you are saying, however it is not something that I havn't known or havn't tried to find ways of making her feel beautiful. I comment on her body all the time, and not just during sex, or even in a sexual way. I can compliment her all the time, but I don't know how to make her FEEL beautiful. I acctually pressed her pretty hard a few years ago. She is real adamant about me not watching porn. So I asked her to make some with me so I could watch that. She was very self concious, and didnt want to. We DID settle on taking some pictures that were not even nudes but of her in some nice nighties and stuff. My thought behind that was that if I can take some pictures of her, and she can see them, and see how I reacted to them, then just maybe that will help. Well, it didn't.


You are getting well meaning, but wrong advice in this thread.

I have a lot of experience in my life with this subject matter. You can not make a person with severe low self esteem, and poor body image, "feel beautiful". Even if they appear to take your compliment, or you coax them into being a bit more open, deep down they do not believe you. The roots of why she feels so damn bad about herself have nothing to do with you. The mistake is thinking that your perception of her is enough to get her to "wake up" and see herself as you see her. That is a problem because it's not you she is fighting this battle with, it is herself. No amount of compliments and reassurances will ever get her to see herself as beautiful. That is a journey she will have to decide all on her own to take, and she will have to find a way to face the woman in the mirror and reconcile with her. That is a hard, tough road, and most people with severe self image problems don't ever put in the time, effort, and work, spiritually, emotionally, and physically, to become who they long desperately to be. There is a chasm in her mind between who she believes she is, and who she desperately fantasizes about truly being.

But it is not your fault, and even though you are her husband, it is no longer your responsibility. Your wife is trapped in a cycle with self and you can't come along for the ride. Best you can do is encourage her to take the steps necessary to correct the issues, and support her along the journey if she's ready to go.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

It seems to me that you are both on different levels of a scale of "sexuality maturity".

It's not a case where you are NOT having sex at all, or no intimacy.
She just isn't at a level where she can be comfortable doing things at your level. Videos, porn, anal, higher level of things that turn you on. So you are bored with the sex, am I right?

Yes, she has tried the things you wanted to do, and she wasn't comfortable with it. 

So long term... if you really do need a partner that has a similar button in the bedroom, then it's a decision. You either lead her there, or you walk you away.

The more you think about specific sex acts, the more focused you will become on the fact that she won't do them. And you will just simply want someone else who will do those things. Your patience is done, you crave those specific sex acts and you want her to want to do them with you. 

That's a big hurdle for her to get over. Your expectations. I'm not sure how any woman gets over that. Does she know this is a marriage ender for you?


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