# Newly Married, Husband Wants Out Already :(



## m.rhyan

Hi Everyone,

I am new to this forum but I would like some insight on my marital problems. My husband and I have only been married 7 months. In the beginning, it was amazing! But slowly, we have had some serious problem. 

My husband had told me a month ago that he had been thinking about divorce and that he wasn't happy with this marriage. On top of that I know that he is stressed about finishing school and work. We separated for a week, and then things were fine and we were able to work things out.

A week ago, my husband brings up that he doesn't think he loves me, and that he regrets being married to me. Currently we are separated and I told him that if he needs space, I'm willing to give it to him.

I don't really know what to do at this point. He recently got diagnosed with ADHD so I know that has a lot to do with it. I don't feel like in the last couple of months that he has treated me as his wife. He gets easily angered, and our sex life is 0%. Anyone else in this situation? Or maybe I'm missing something?:scratchhead:


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## keko

m.rhyan said:


> Hi Everyone,
> 
> I am new to this forum but I would like some insight on my marital problems. My husband and I have only been married 7 months. In the beginning, it was amazing! But slowly, we have had some serious problem.
> 
> My husband had told me a month ago that he had been thinking about divorce and that he wasn't happy with this marriage. On top of that I know that he is stressed about finishing school and work. We separated for a week, and then things were fine and we were able to work things out.
> 
> A week ago, my husband brings up that he doesn't think he loves me, and that he regrets being married to me. Currently we are separated and *I told him that if he needs space, I'm willing to give it to him.*
> I don't really know what to do at this point. He recently got diagnosed with ADHD so I know that has a lot to do with it. I don't feel like in the last couple of months that he has treated me as his wife. He gets easily angered, and our sex life is 0%. Anyone else in this situation? Or maybe I'm missing something?:scratchhead:


Quit chasing him, and have him miss you, chase you, think about you. By chasing him you're actually pushing him further away. You can start by doing the 180.


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## m.rhyan

keko said:


> Quit chasing him, and have him miss you, chase you, think about you. By chasing him you're actually pushing him further away. You can start by doing the 180.


I did that, all it does is create a bigger wedge and we now have the "roommate relationship".


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## keko

m.rhyan said:


> I did that, all it does is create a bigger wedge and we now have the "roommate relationship".


How long did you do it for? It usually takes a bit time for the other person to realize the change.


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## m.rhyan

keko said:


> How long did you do it for?


When we first separated a month ago, when I got back I did it for about two weeks. He is the type of person to think that if I'm not talking to him, or around him, that I am mad/upset with him. So for those two weeks he distanced himself from me.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

Wow! It's pretty early for the wheels to have come off of this wagon. At the 6-7 month mark, you would expect to still be in the 'honeymoon' period! I think YOU need to seek some counselling, preferably with hubby, but without him if necessary. You need to figure out what YOU want out of your life. 

Too many unanswered questions. How old are you and your husband? Is it possible he's having an affair (EA or PA)? He has lots of opportunities with school and work to meet other women. You have not stated that you love him, do you? He HAS stated that he doesn't think he loves you. I don't pretend to have ANY knowledge of ADHD and its impact, but apparently he had it when he was dating and when he married you. So why would the official diagnosis of it have any impact on his happiness/unhappiness with his marriage?

Just to recap:
1.) At the 6 month mark, he told you he wasn't happy with the marriage and was thinking of divorce.
2.) At that point you separated for a week.
3.) Got back together and did the 180 for two weeks.
4.) Within a week or two after that, your husband says he doesn't think he loves you and he regrets being married to you. And, by the way, you have NO sex life.
5.) At the 7 month mark, you are now separated again.

Tell him that he MUST attend marriage counselling with you IMMEDIATELY. If he's too busy, remind him everybody's busy. You either make time or make excuses. Tell him you both have all that free time you're not currently spending on newlywed sex [sorry, just kidding]. 

If he is unwilling to seek counselling immediately, then tell him to go ahead and divorce you. There are only two courses he could be bound for anyway; fixing this marriage or ending it. His answer to counselling will tell you.


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## PBear

How long did you know him before you got married? How long did you date? How old are you two? And what's the dating/relationship history for the two of you? How many previous partners, how long term were they, etc.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## m.rhyan

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> How old are you and your husband? Is it possible he's having an affair (EA or PA)?You have not stated that you love him, do you? He HAS stated that he doesn't think he loves you. I don't pretend to have ANY knowledge of ADHD and its impact, but apparently he had it when he was dating and when he married you. So why would the official diagnosis of it have any impact on his happiness/unhappiness with his marriage?
> 
> Just to recap:
> 1.) At the 6 month mark, he told you he wasn't happy with the marriage and was thinking of divorce.
> 2.) At that point you separated for a week.
> 3.) Got back together and did the 180 for two weeks.
> 4.) Within a week or two after that, your husband says he doesn't think he loves you and he regrets being married to you. And, by the way, you have NO sex life.
> 5.) At the 7 month mark, you are now separated again.
> 
> Tell him that he MUST attend marriage counselling with you IMMEDIATELY.


I am 19 and he is 23. There is NO possible way he is having an affair. We are LDS, he is very shy and doesn't like meeting new people or socializing except with family and close friends. Yes, I love him very much, he means the world to me. He got diagnosed after we moved out of his parents house. His doctor said that it is common for ADHD to start in an adult who's environment has changed drastically. I am planning on attending counseling with our Bishop. I've taken my dads advice and have learned that I can't force someone to do something, they need to be willing. I left our fight at if he's willing to do counseling then I'm ok with that. He hasn't given me an answer yet.


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## keko

m.rhyan said:


> I am 19 and he is 23. There is NO possible way he is having an affair. We are LDS, he is very shy and doesn't like meeting new people or socializing except with family and close friends. Yes, I love him very much, he means the world to me. He got diagnosed after we moved out of his parents house. His doctor said that it is common for ADHD to start in an adult who's environment has changed drastically. I am planning on attending counseling with our Bishop. I've taken my dads advice and have learned that I can't force someone to do something, they need to be willing. I left our fight at if he's willing to do counseling then I'm ok with that. He hasn't given me an answer yet.


If he is shy+ADHD, you two might be better with going out on date's, movies, spending time together, etc. You could open him up more to raise his confidence.


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## m.rhyan

PBear said:


> How long did you know him before you got married? How long did you date? How old are you two? And what's the dating/relationship history for the two of you? How many previous partners, how long term were they, etc.


Take into consideration that we are LDS. Culturally, it's really common to marry young, and quick. We knew each other 5 months before we got married. We dated for 3. I am 19, he is 23. He has gone on a couple dates before me but not relationship tied to them. I have dated a lot and I've had many relationships. No previous partners for either of us.


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## m.rhyan

keko said:


> If he is shy+ADHD, you two might be better with going out on date's, movies, spending time together, etc. You could open him up more to raise his confidence.


I have tried that, I've asked if we could spend more time together but it seems like I am the only one making the effort to plan time together. I try to raise his confidence in every way possible. He knows I think he is the best husband in the world.


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## tacoma

With only 7 months invested and no kids (assuming) I'd cut my losses.

Are you prepared for a lifetime living your life around a wishy washy husband who can't decide what he wants at the expense of the people around him?

Do you feel secure enough or confident enough in this man to build a family with him?

I'd cut my losses
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

Your dad, as you know, is right. Can't force someone to do something they don't want to do. Just hang tight, tell your husband that you love him, but that he needs to make a decision SOON on whether he'll accompany you to counselling. Leaving you hanging wondering whether or not you have a marriage is unfair.

If he won't attend counselling, you should tell him that HE needs to be the one to file for divorce since it is HIS choice.

Good wishes to you, m. rhyan.


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## m.rhyan

Thank you everyone for your thoughtful advice. I really appreciate it! It is just difficult for me to even consider getting a divorce because I don't believe in it for religious reasons. I will find out tonight (that's when we're talking) on weather or not he will commit to counseling. Wish me luck. Happy Easter everyone!


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## Uptown

m.rhyan said:


> He recently got diagnosed with ADHD so I know that has a lot to do with it.....Or maybe I'm missing something?


Yes, you may be missing something, M.Rhyan. Based on my experience in taking my exW to six different psychologists for 15 years, I would suggest you be skeptical of the ADHD diagnosis until you obtain a candid professional opinion from a clinical psychologist that you see -- for a visit or two -- on your own. Remember, your H's therapist is NOT YOUR FRIEND. Rather, he is ethically bound to protect his sick client. Hence, relying on your H's _therapist's_ advice during the marriage would be as foolish as relying on his _attorney's_ advice during the divorce.

I mention this because (a) there is a strong association between adult ADHD and BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and (b) therapists are loath to tell a high functioning client -- much less tell his wife -- that he has BPD. Instead, they typically will tell him only about the related Axis 1 disorder like PTSD or adult ADHD that is co-occurring.

As to the strong association between ADHD and BPD, a psychiatric journal reported (2006) a study concluding that,ADHD in adults and BPD share some similar clinical features (e. g. impulsivity, emotional dysregulation, cognitive impairment). ADHD in childhood has been reported to be highly associated with the diagnosis of BPD in adulthood and adult ADHD often co-occurs with BPD. Treatment studies revealed ... that ADHD and BPD may not be two distinct disorders, but represent at least in a subgroup of patients two dimensions of one disorder. See article at European Archives of Psychiatry and Clinical Neuroscience, Volume 256, Supplement 1 - SpringerLink.​One reason for the withholding of a full diagnosis is that insurance companies generally will cover the Axis 1 disorders like ADHD but will refuse to cover PDs like BPD. A second reason is that the therapist knows a high functioning BPDer almost certainly will immediately terminate therapy on hearing such a dreaded diagnosis, due to the social stigma attached to BPD. A third reason is that, because BPDers are always searching for their true identity, handing him an identity as "the BPDer" can make his behavior much worse (i.e., he may start exhibiting all 9 traits instead of only 5 or 6).

I therefore suggest that, if you really want to know what you are dealing with, you obtain a candid professional opinion from a psychologist who is NOT treating your H. I also suggest that you read about BPD traits so you know what red flags to look for. Of course, only a professional can determine when the BPD traits are so strong as to constitute full-blown BPD. Spotting the red flags, however, is not difficult. There is nothing subtle about verbal abuse, icy withdrawal, lack of emotional control, and inability to trust.

An easy place to start reading about these traits is my description, in Maybe's thread, of what it is like to live with a high functioning BPDer. That post is at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. If that discussion rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you and point you to excellent online resources. Take care, M.Rhyan.


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## Toshiba2020

No matter what you do...DO NOT HAVE KIDS with this man. That will not fix anything and just make you marriage more complicated. I wish you thebest of luck and hope it all work sout but please dont have kids.


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## ku1980rose

m.rhyan said:


> He gets easily angered, and our sex life is 0%. Anyone else in this situation? Or maybe I'm missing something?:scratchhead:



I'm sort of in the same type of situation, only I'm the one wanting to leave. My husband gets easily angered. He seems to have 2 emotions. Happy or angry. He gets very upset when I try to bring up anything important or discuss problems in our marriage. We will be married 2 years this summer. He quit having sex with me pretty much from day one. WE haven't had sex for 1 1/2 years of the 2. He didn't even sleep in our room for 10 months. At this point, I am living with a stranger and have no desire to be with him. So, yes, I feel I have the same type of situation in some ways. If you want to talk, feel free to message me. Maybe our stories are somewhat similar.


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## ku1980rose

m.rhyan said:


> When we first separated a month ago, when I got back I did it for about two weeks. He is the type of person to think that if I'm not talking to him, or around him, that I am mad/upset with him. So for those two weeks he distanced himself from me.


My h does the same. Automatically thinks I'm mad/upset when I'm trying to get my own space or give him some space.

Do you think your husband has a low self confidence??? Maybe personal counseling would help him?


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## Mtts

OP, as someone with a vast knowledge of LDS culture and religion, did you guys get a Temple marriage? I know it's hard, even harder when marriage in the LDS religion holds as sacred of a ground as it does. 

However I do have some advice and think you might find it helpful. I was active until I was about 19-20 and eventually came to the conclusion I'm not very religious(at all). However, being that I was invested for most of my pre-married life I can say that it's really not going to hurt you in the long run. Did your husband go on a mission? 

I married young as well (21) and knew it's what I wanted. However I also thought maybe I was going too fast and too soon. I thought about it and knew that the only way for it to work was for me to truly commit and invest myself. That was a personal change and one your husband will have to go through. If he has the belief ask him to pray about it.

Being LDS doesn't rule out affairs. I've had old friends from our ward who are now divorced due to infidelity. It happens in Mormon marriages just like any others. Shy or not if your husband isn't wanting to be sexually active something is up. Especially if you are the first woman that he has been active with.I would also say pornography is possible. Do you share a computer? You should check internet history. If it's clean is it being deleted on a regular basis?

Sorry to bring possible negatives to mind but I will say that LDS or not, people are people. I have a strong sense of right and wrong and am grateful for some of the values my parents and the church instilled. However it wasn't for me and I can say that it doesn't change people from making bad choices. Your husband may be a really good liar/hider and I would say start checking things out and rule out that you haven't been replaced by the right hand or OW. 

Hope it works out better and let me know if you want any advice from someone whos family is all LDS. I'm not active but I'm still familiar.


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