# My ex started working at my company and husband is upset



## Vie-s (9 d ago)

I thought about asking this on Reddit, but I think this place can be more realistic. My ex started working at my company recently and my husband hates it and it is causing problems. I am 29 now and my husband is 32. We have been married for 2 years. I dated my ex from 22-25. We were engaged & broke up because he was moving to a different state for a job and I didn’t want to go so I broke up with him. We have always been ‘friends’ and there are no hard feelings between us. By friends I mean cordial messages on social media every once in a while. 
He started working at my company a few months ago and it has consistently caused issues for my husband and I. He is way more suspicious. He asks me questions he never asked me before. He will ask me if I was around him that day jokingly and if I answer yes he gets passive aggressive. This has caused several arguments. We don’t have to interact that much but it does happen and we have to text/email sometimes. He has even brought up looking for another job. I think this is unfair to me. I have a lot of good relationships at this company and room for growth and opportunity. I am not trying to be insensitive to his feelings. I would be uncomfortable to a degree too. I just want to find a solution so this isn’t a problem in my marriage. To me this seems like a trust issue but maybe it is something he just isn’t ok with. I have no interest in my ex and there hasn’t been anything I consider inappropriate.


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

OP

IT IS a TRUST issue. And you husband has reasonable suspicion of your motives given you still trade messages or "socialize."

For sake of a happy marriage no further contact with ex and explain to your husband why and how you will not interact with ex at "the company." If that is not possible - you are in for some constant strife with your husbands suspicions. 

You failed your marriage by maintaining friendship with your "ex" - thereby maintaining a relationship. So he really isn't an ex now that you are in contact.

Rethink your situation, how much you value your marriage, and share your plan of action with your husband. Hoping you find your happiness.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

You H clearly DOES NOT like the idea of an ex, that you still have contact with and were ENGAGED to, being around you and having a lot of interaction during the day. He is right -- it is a really BAD idea.
In your company, do you have to have any interaction with him, or is it just social when you talk?

Is there a way so that you Do NOT actually work with him even if he is in the same company?
Oh, yeah the social contact has to stop.

Flip the story -- if your H's ex fiance was working with him and they were friendly, how would YOU feel?


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## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

There is no good solution here OP. If it’s possible for you to truly have NO contact with your former fiancé, who you broke up with only because you didn’t want to relocate, then maybe you can sell that to your husband with the help of MC. If not, then you will likely need to find another job.

This isn’t your husbands fault, and it’s not yours either, except that your continued interaction via social media means you cant say you had nothing to do with him after the break up. And now you see him every day. You are likely going to need to decide which is more important to you, your husband or the job. Good luck.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You didn’t break up with your ex because you fell out of love with him you broke up because he moved. You never stopped interacting with him and now he’s back on the scene. 
I wonder just how often you “cordially” messaged him over the years?
In my opinion you are being at best naive and at worse uncaring about your husband’s feelings here and I wonder just how much interaction you are going to have with your ex and how excited you really are about his return.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I wouldn't be suss but that's depending on the level of affection my partner has for me but hey that's just me.

Your husband has rather understandable reasons to be distressed about it though I understand your point of view completely and happy to give you the benefit of the doubt in that too.

There are ways you can approach this to reduce the stress and suspicions he has, first and foremost how is your intimacy with your husband? Second, do you guys have transparency, shared passwords, do you guys keep secrets, how open are you etc etc - these things matter and can mean the difference between a drama-free acceptance where you get to keep both your job and your husband or... well, you know.


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

Vie-s said:


> I thought about asking this on Reddit, but I think this place can be more realistic. My ex started working at my company recently and my husband hates it and it is causing problems. I am 29 now and my husband is 32. We have been married for 2 years. I dated my ex from 22-25. We were engaged & broke up because he was moving to a different state for a job and I didn’t want to go so I broke up with him. We have always been ‘friends’ and there are no hard feelings between us. By friends I mean cordial messages on social media every once in a while.
> He started working at my company a few months ago and it has consistently caused issues for my husband and I. He is way more suspicious. He asks me questions he never asked me before. He will ask me if I was around him that day jokingly and if I answer yes he gets passive aggressive. This has caused several arguments. We don’t have to interact that much but it does happen and we have to text/email sometimes. He has even brought up looking for another job. I think this is unfair to me. I have a lot of good relationships at this company and room for growth and opportunity. I am not trying to be insensitive to his feelings. I would be uncomfortable to a degree too. I just want to find a solution so this isn’t a problem in my marriage. To me this seems like a trust issue but maybe it is something he just isn’t ok with. I have no interest in my ex and there hasn’t been anything I consider inappropriate.


I don't know...I find it a bit too coincidental that your ex-fiance just happened to find a job where you work. I guess he moved back to the area after relocating years ago? Did he tell you on social media that he was moving back? Did you ever tell him of job openings at your company? Did he know where you work and do you think he purposely found work there?


Vie-s said:


> We were engaged & broke up because he was moving to a different state for a job and I didn’t want to go so I broke up with him.


Truly just curious -- Why do you say "state" instead of "province"? The Canadian flag is next to where it says "Registered" near your username which indicates location. I have never heard of a Canadian refer to a province as a state. Or maybe you meant to say "state" as perhaps you moved to Canada and your post refers to when you lived in the U.S. (and your ex followed you to Canada?) or maybe you are just visiting?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

ShatteredKat said:


> OP
> 
> IT IS a TRUST issue. And you husband has reasonable suspicion of your motives given you still trade messages or "socialize."
> 
> ...


If I were your husband I would be feeling the exact same way. You have an ex fiance, not just a run of the mill BF, that you broke up with on good terms. Meaning he didn't do anything for you to fall out of love. I would want you to have no contact with that person at all. I wouldn't even be okay with your casual contact over SM. Right or wrong, I would feel it is a threat to my marriage and I would go into protection mode, as it seems your husband has done.

I would be asking you to find a new job ASAP. I place the value of my marriage above all other relationships. That means I will forsake all others.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

ShatteredKat said:


> You failed your marriage by maintaining friendship with your "ex" - thereby maintaining a relationship. So he really isn't an ex now that you are in contact.


Seriously? By definition, contact with an ex, being friendly with one, is a failure to honor one’s marriage?

It’s about mutually understood and respected boundaries. My wife and I were invited to my ex’s wedding, which was our first child’s first trip into the world. Nobody feels threatened. She’s a customer of our business and sure, there are times my wife might say “What did you see in her?” But my ex has never, would never say anything bad about my wife.

Would it be different if she weren’t married? Yeah, maybe. But she is and I just do t think blanket statements about ex’s should be cast in stone.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

I’d look for a new job… that is if you want to keep your marriage. Your husband is never going to be ok with you two working together.

I’m not the jealous type and I wouldn’t go for that either. It would bother me.


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## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

Is your ex married ? Seems odd he got a job working with you. At the same company. 

Of course your husband feels threatened. 

What kind of interactions have you had with the ex since he now works there ?

Have you had lunch together, to catch up..wink , wink...

Do you think he is interested in you ?


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## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

If he was in love with you once ( fiancee )

How do you know he isn't now ?

Do you still have feelings for him on some level ?

It's never going to sit well with your husband


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

Difficult situation for both you and your husband. Neither of you at fault here, it is probably a matter of not allowing this to escalate.

I agree that there shouldn’t be a need for you to move jobs at the present time and, if he has moved back into your area, this is not going to address any concerns your husband may have about contact outside of the workplace anyway.

I don’t think either of you “doing nothing” is going to work here as it will probably only feed your husband’s fears and may see you increase resentment because you are doing nothing wrong. 

Are you able/willing to ask your husband what boundaries/measures/steps or whatever you want to call them he would like to see introduced to give him reassurance and to protect your marriage?

Additionally, how would you feel about suggesting measures that you think might give him that reassurance?

I think actions are going to speak louder than words here as, although you are not going to do anything wrong, it will still be at the forefront of your husband’s thoughts.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Like others, I am suspicious about the true nature of your ex and your relationship, how this all came about, and where it's going.

However, just taking your post at face value, I would still say that you are playing with fire. You’re set up perfectly for the slippery slope of infidelity and divorce. You’re only married two years. When it's 5 or 10 and your husband is ho hum and suddenly your ex is exciting and flirting ... game over.

Unfortunately there’s not a simple solution. Consider whether or not this particular job is worth the risk, the anxiety to your husband, stress on your marriage.

Minimize all contact, especially the ‘cordial’ social contact.

Your husband shouldn’t be immediately suspicious of you and should trust you a bit more, however, he is right to see the potential danger to your marriage. Listening to him (rather than getting defensive) will go a long way to building more trust.

It's an unfair world OP. Choose now the thing that matters most.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

Andy1001 said:


> You didn’t break up with your ex because you fell out of love with him you broke up because he moved. You never stopped interacting with him and now he’s back on the scene.
> I wonder just how often you “cordially” messaged him over the years?
> In my opinion you are being at best naive and at worse uncaring about your husband’s feelings here and I wonder just how much interaction you are going to have with your ex and how excited you really are about his return.


Totally agree.
What if the roles were reversed and the OP`s husband was working with an ex.
*We have always been ‘friends’ and there are no hard feelings between us. By friends I mean cordial messages on social media every once in a while.*
If this were my wife I`d also have insecurities especially considering the OP is still young, in contact, on friendly terms and now working with her ex.
Doubt if any husband would feel comfortable in this situation.
But it does seem to be an odd coincidence that the OP is now working with her ex.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

A recipe for disaster.


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## UAArchangel (2 mo ago)

so_sweet said:


> I don't know...I find it a bit too coincidental that your ex-fiance just happened to find a job where you work. I guess he moved back to the area after relocating years ago? Did he tell you on social media that he was moving back? Did you ever tell him of job openings at your company? Did he know where you work and do you think he purposely found work there?
> 
> Truly just curious -- Why do you say "state" instead of "province"? The Canadian flag is next to where it says "Registered" near your username which indicates location. I have never heard of a Canadian refer to a province as a state. Or maybe you meant to say "state" as perhaps you moved to Canada and your post refers to when you lived in the U.S. (and your ex followed you to Canada?) or maybe you are just visiting?


Alberta would like to be a state. So, maybe she's from Alberta.


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## Jakobs (6 mo ago)

Andy1001 said:


> I wonder just how often you “cordially” messaged him over the years?


This ^^

That she kept up with him even after the breakup, with a wedding on the table, seems… odd. To me it sounds like she’s holding back A LOT of valuable information. She seems to be in doubt where there shouldn’t be any.

@Vie-s Would you like to keep your ex as an orbiter because you now have doubts as to the viability of your current relationship (and please don’t dress up your response, if any, with the “only friends” euphemism, we’re all adults here)? Your doubts should not be doubts. If you REALLY loved your husband you would not have these doubts and be way more empathetic to, what I read as, his concerns about the ex. Perhaps he feels the breakup with the ex wasn’t YOUR choice and that there’s always been some residual feeling between the two? Have you asked him? And furthermore, have you engaged in any conversation or any interaction with your ex that you purposely kept away from your current partner? Your “sporadic” messaging sounds fishy to me.

I bet his gut is telling him to wake up. Poor dude probably doesn’t get any sleep and food just goes right through him…


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## Jakobs (6 mo ago)

so_sweet said:


> I don't know...I find it a bit too coincidental that your ex-fiance just happened to find a job where you work.


I think we all know how he most likely got the job… The laws of probability don’t lie, people do. Vie-s comment is infested with euphemisms and a noticeable lack of empathy for her husband’s concerns. She almost sounds irritated that he should raise a concern about her ex, which sends the clear message that she is (emotionally) choosing her ex, not her husband.


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## DamianDamian (Aug 14, 2019)

The fact you even need to ask this question is enough of a red flag that I'd personally never date you.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

First of all, there's nothing inherently suspicious about the ex getting a job at her company. She says there's a lot of room for growth which means it's a good size company, and depending on where they live there may not be a ton of other companies in her field.

My field is like this. There are only so many insurance companies and it's quite common to run into people you know as people move and come back all the time. So its ridiculous to demand OP find another job.

It does sound like the boundaries could be better though. Social media should be a big fat no.

You two should get some counselor to see if there are boundaries that might make your hb more comfortable.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

...


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Diceplayer said:


> It's all about you isn't it.
> 
> You forsook the man that you supposedly loved just because you didn't want to move. So much for putting your SO first in your life.


So at 25 she was obligated to uproot her life? Didn't the ex forsake her by moving? He didn't put her first.


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## Jakobs (6 mo ago)

lifeistooshort said:


> First of all, there's nothing inherently suspicious about the ex getting a job at her company.


Life, when taken out of context, there isn’t. But, as we all know, when it comes to relationships, the devil’s in the details. When contextualized, along with the backstory and the constant communication, it seems fishy.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> First of all, there's nothing inherently suspicious about the ex getting a job at her company. She says there's a lot of room for growth which means it's a good size company, and depending on where they live there may not be a ton of other companies in her field.


Could be true, may not be.

This OP leaves the door wide open for suspicion. 
-engaged and broke up only because he moved away
-social media contact throughout
-He moves back and now works with her

So yea...could be true. But there's ample legit reason to suspect something other than coincidence.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Jakobs said:


> Life, when taken out of context, there isn’t. But, as we all know, when it comes to relationships, the devil’s in the details. When contextualized, along with the backstory and the constant communication, it seems fishy.



Why? As I said....if she's working for a large company it's not unusual for people to run into each other.

Florida Blue is a very large employer here in NE FL. I wouldn't work there because I'm not a health actuary but people date each other there all the time. They also leave and go back as opportunities arise. My ex hb worked there as did his cheap ex that he kept around our entire relationship.

Seems to me that the bigger issue is appropriate boundaries. I've never been a fan of ex contact and here we see why its not a good idea. The issue with my ex wasn't that they both worked there, it was his poor boundaries and outside contact that sealed our marital end. He could've cut her off beyond work if he was so inclined, but unfortunately he wasn't.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Could be true, may not be.
> 
> This OP leaves the door wide open for suspicion.
> -engaged and broke up only because he moved away
> ...


Yeah, social media contact is a big fat no. I'm not a fan of ex contact...when we break up you should lose my number and forget what I look like. 

This kind of thing is exactly why I think contact with exes should be zero.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

It's all about you isn't it.


Vie-s said:


> I dated my ex from 22-25. We were engaged & broke up because he was moving to a different state for a job and I didn’t want to go so I broke up with him.


You broke an engagement because you didn't want to move. SO much for placing your SO first in your life.


Vie-s said:


> He has even brought up looking for another job. I think this is unfair to me.


Well you poor thing. There is a significant threat to your marriage and still, all you can think about is you. It's just a job. For once, show your husband that he has first place in your heart and quit your job. You came here looking for a solution when you knew all along what the solution is. Protect your marriage and put your husband first.


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## Jakobs (6 mo ago)

lifeistooshort said:


> Why? As I said....if she's working for a large company it's not unusual for people to run into each other.


“Run into each other”?

Come on life… Do YOU really, like really, in your heart of hearts, REALLY think this was just… random?

I bet that dude has been communicating with her for a while now (knowing that she probably still has lingering feelings for him) and, although rejected at first, he’s probably made inroads. And because he is a scumbag and can’t keep his word (walked away from a woman he convinced into marrying him,) he doesn’t mind ruining his life and two other people’s lives. I’ve seen this happen a few times when there are residual feelings involved and the guy knows. Sooner or later, when he’s ruined enough lives, he comes back to the “low hanging fruit” because he’s got no one else to sweet-talk.

He knows EXACTLY what he’s doing… he’s probably eliciting/recalling the old feelings with “remember that time”-caliber texting.

And she, because she feels good, has no idea what his true intents are.


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

My monies on never seeing or hearing from OP again because nobody thought she was in the right. 

If you do come back and read this, you need to put up some very strong boundaries with your ex, and give your husband access to all your communications between the two of you. If you've nothing to hide no problems


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## Vie-s (9 d ago)

I am currently in Canada for a few days for work and just created this account to ask about this issue because Reddit is garbage. I live and work in US. I didn’t help him get the job. He told me that he applied and didn’t need my help to get the job. We talked on social media a few times a year. Husband knew and never really said anything before. I get that he is uncomfortable with it which is why I asked for help. We have always had each other’s passwords and that has not changed. There are no feelings between ex and I. Getting another job just seems to me like a big ask when nothing is going on but maybe I should rethink that. Switching jobs is a huge change. I haven’t been dismissive of my husband’s feelings about this. It is the suspicious tone of questioning I don’t like. I’m not sure what boundaries I should talk to him about now that would make him feel better.


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## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

Vie-s said:


> I am currently in Canada for a few days for work and just created this account to ask about this issue because Reddit is garbage. I live and work in US. I didn’t help him get the job. He told me that he applied and didn’t need my help to get the job. We talked on social media a few times a year. Husband knew and never really said anything before. I get that he is uncomfortable with it which is why I asked for help. We have always had each other’s passwords and that has not changed. There are no feelings between ex and I. Getting another job just seems to me like a big ask when nothing is going on but maybe I should rethink that. Switching jobs is a huge change. I haven’t been dismissive of my husband’s feelings about this. It is the suspicious tone of questioning I don’t like. I’m not sure what boundaries I should talk to him about now that would make him feel better.


Glad you came back OP. Just because your husband didn't say anything about you chatting with your ex on social media, doesn't mean he was okay with it... It's just you ex getting a job at your company was the final straw. I think you are trying to look at this from you husband's perspective which is good, but try a bit harder. You were engaged to this other man. He's not just an ex boyfriend from middle school.

I think you and your husband need to have a very open, frank conversation about this issue. Sit him down and talk through it. And be respectful of his feelings -- he's your husband and is legitimately concerned about this turn of affairs, and as you can see from the other responses this is something that many of us agree with. Communication is key! Good luck.


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## Vie-s (9 d ago)

You all agree that no contact and looking for a new job is what I should do?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Vie-s said:


> I am currently in Canada for a few days for work and just created this account to ask about this issue because Reddit is garbage. I live and work in US. I didn’t help him get the job. He told me that he applied and didn’t need my help to get the job. We talked on social media a few times a year. Husband knew and never really said anything before. I get that he is uncomfortable with it which is why I asked for help. We have always had each other’s passwords and that has not changed. There are no feelings between ex and I. Getting another job just seems to me like a big ask when nothing is going on but maybe I should rethink that. Switching jobs is a huge change. I haven’t been dismissive of my husband’s feelings about this. It is the suspicious tone of questioning I don’t like. I’m not sure what boundaries I should talk to him about now that would make him feel better.


First and foremost you should 100% stop any and all social contact. He shouldn't be your friend on any SM and you shouldn't have his contact info. If that isn't possible due to you job then I think you need a new job. Or, if an option, a transfer within you company that makes it so you have no contact.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Vie-s said:


> You all agree that no contact and looking for a new job is what I should do?


If the only way you can go no contact with him requires a job change, then yes, that is what I personally think you should do.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Vie-s said:


> I am currently in Canada for a few days for work and just created this account to ask about this issue because Reddit is garbage. I live and work in US. I didn’t help him get the job. He told me that he applied and didn’t need my help to get the job. We talked on social media a few times a year. Husband knew and never really said anything before. I get that he is uncomfortable with it which is why I asked for help. We have always had each other’s passwords and that has not changed. There are no feelings between ex and I. Getting another job just seems to me like a big ask when nothing is going on but maybe I should rethink that. Switching jobs is a huge change. I haven’t been dismissive of my husband’s feelings about this. It is the suspicious tone of questioning I don’t like. I’m not sure what boundaries I should talk to him about now that would make him feel better.


Yeah this is the picture I had of the situation, however it seems his (understandable) insecurities are overwhelming any sensibilities, but that's normal... that's just, relationships 🙄

Everytime I was confronted with such a situation I just gave my ex my phone, full transparency, weather the accusations and dealt with it like it was her time of the month so 🤷‍♂️

Yet it seems you do all that and he's not satisfied (still understandable)... the thing is though relationships especially marriages many times require sacrifices, this could be lifestyle, friends, work etc. You just have to decide what's more important as you have done before with your ex fiancee. Your husband doesn't seem like he's going to let this go.


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## Zedd (Jul 27, 2021)

Vie-s said:


> You all agree that no contact and looking for a new job is what I should do?


Well, you really have 2 viable options.

1. Follow through on his request and look for a new job.

2. Sit down with him if you really enjoy your job and have a heart to heart and figure out what you can do to help your hubby realize this guy's not a threat. But, you need to go into that conversation with the understanding that #1 really might be part of that process. Everyone has a history, and there could be something in his that you weren't a part of where he got burned. The simple act of being willing to look for a new job will instantly tell your husband he's already more important than the other guy. You weren't willing to change your life for the other guy despite being nearly married to him.

Also, it's ok to be hurt by your husband's lack of trust here. It's different than being angry/upset/defensive about it. You can understand and be empathetic and still be hurt by it - and that should be part of your conversation too.


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## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

Vie-s said:


> You all agree that no contact and looking for a new job is what I should do?


Talk with your husband about it. If the nature of your job is such that you can TRULY go NC with your ex, then you can tell your husband that you understand his feelings about this now, that you didn't think it was an issue but you will go 100% NC and can do that on the job. Tell him you would prefer to do that because you really like the job and your opportunity for promotion, BUT if he is not comfortable with that then you will look for another job. And see what he says.

If it is not practical to go NC, then don't say you will try that. The last thing you want to do is lose your husband's trust over this. If you will see your ex from time to time on the job tell you husband that, and be willing to start looking for another job if he asks you to. Hang in there.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

I agree with others. You really have to work this out with your husband and meet him in the middle as far as comfort level goes.

Put your ex in the past, hard stop, as far as social media goes. Your husband may not have had an issue before, but now with him local it only adds to the problem.

Your question about boundaries...
If the discussion came between me and my wife (and assuming I did not ask her to leave), I would request ZERO alone time with ex, no exceptions. That includes emails or texts that are 1:1. No lunch dates no coffee dates not even an elevator ride. Full transparency on interactions and contact at work with the ex. And never ever be defensive if I get insecure and start asking a bunch of questions.

Over time your husband will get more comfortable but these boundaries _must_ remain. That slippery slope is indeed very slippery.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Jakobs said:


> “Run into each other”?
> 
> Come on life… Do YOU really, like really, in your heart of hearts, REALLY think this was just… random?
> 
> ...


I think you're reading a lot into this, and I'm of a mind that exes don't need to be friends.. What you say is certainly possible but I see no evidence from what she's said that he pursued a job solely to get close to her. I'm not going to pass up a good job simply because my ex works at the company.

Is it fair to demand that she leave a good job when she hasn't really done anything? If he gets a job at her next company will she have to leave that one too? That gives him control over her life.

She hasn't mentioned that he's going out of his way to contact her over things that aren't work related. If they'd had an affair I could see the issue. She needs appropriate boundaries.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> I agree with others. You really have to work this out with your husband and meet him in the middle as far as comfort level goes.
> 
> Put your ex in the past, hard stop, as far as social media goes. Your husband may not have had an issue before, but now with him local it only adds to the problem.
> 
> ...


This is reasonable. I know I would readily agree to all of this because frankly my exes don't exist to me anymore.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Vie-s said:


> I am currently in Canada for a few days for work and just created this account to ask about this issue because Reddit is garbage. I live and work in US. I didn’t help him get the job. He told me that he applied and didn’t need my help to get the job. We talked on social media a few times a year. Husband knew and never really said anything before. I get that he is uncomfortable with it which is why I asked for help. We have always had each other’s passwords and that has not changed. There are no feelings between ex and I. Getting another job just seems to me like a big ask when nothing is going on but maybe I should rethink that. Switching jobs is a huge change. I haven’t been dismissive of my husband’s feelings about this. It is the suspicious tone of questioning I don’t like. I’m not sure what boundaries I should talk to him about now that would make him feel better.


Tell your ex that in light of your new closer proximity that you don't think its a good idea to talk. Period. No social media, no nothing. You shouldn't have kept the fact that you talk some from your husband....this is what lack of transparency creates.

How close are your departments? Do you really need to deal with each other?


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Vie-s said:


> There are no feelings between ex and I.


As far as you know. Are you sure the ex fiance doesn't still have some feelings?



> I haven’t been dismissive of my husband’s feelings about this. It is the suspicious tone of questioning I don’t like.


So what happens when the two of you try to talk about it? Your actions so far seem reasonable, but your partner's suspicious feelings are also reasonable (based on what you've told us so far). 



Vie-s said:


> You all agree that no contact and looking for a new job is what I should do?


No, we don't all agree. (We never all agree). I think (but I'm biased) that you should do a few sessions with a good couple counsellor to discuss boundaries and your partner's fears. I don't think you should leave the job on this basis.


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## Vie-s (9 d ago)

He moved back recently. It had nothing to do with me. We don’t have any feelings for each other, we have just never hated each other after breakup and were both ok with it. We see each other maybe 3 times a week for work where we have to talk to each other.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Vie-s said:


> He moved back recently. It had nothing to do with me. We don’t have any feelings for each other, we have just never hated each other after breakup and were both ok with it. We see each other maybe 3 times a week for work where we have to talk to each other.


Are these one on one talks? Is there other communication like text and email? Is there no way to avoid that contact?


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Vie-s said:


> He moved back recently. It had nothing to do with me. We don’t have any feelings for each other, we have just never hated each other after breakup and were both ok with it. We see each other maybe 3 times a week for work where we have to talk to each other.


What does that mean… “where we have to talk to each other”? Why? What is the context?


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## Vie-s (9 d ago)

I mean face to face talk to each other for work. There are also text/emails during the week too. There really hasn’t been anymore personal social media contact since he started working here.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Vie-s said:


> We talked on social media a few times a year.


This is SO disrespectful to your husband. I realize you're young, but I also realize a lot of marriages are in trouble. I don't believe in emotional affairs, but I do understand the male ego.

We're tough on you because parts of your story either don't add up or they point to a serious lack of understanding about relationships. It's good that you posted here. I hope we have something constructive to help with your dilemma.

By the way, if you change jobs willingly, you may be able to find one that pays more money. If you were my wife, you would be changing jobs.


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

Vie:

I think before you do any thinking about career path - you need to consider and find a way to build trust with your husband. Note also that your husband also needs to look inward and figure out why he is not trusting you.

Sure, part of his dis-trust is your relationship. (I think all agree you should end it 101%) and also the way you speak about your past. To my way of thinking, you really didn't love your "ex" enough or you would have moved to be with him. BUT!
(always a but isn't there?) - His career just starting and/or your career more remunerative? And consideration to where one would have to live?

FWIW - when I graduated from University - wife laid it out for me that living North in US mid-atlantic was a 100% no-go.
No debate. Well, since I was LOOKING for employment - no problem - just look further South!

Back to you , I think the immediate concern for you is to sort out your communication with husband and work out how to get to 101% trust. At the same time - ZERO contact with "ex." 

If necessary - have a one-on-one discussion with work supervisor regarding your domestic situation. See what the "lay of the land" is with regard to working inside your employer.

Look up a read about trust in a marriage.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Vie-s said:


> I mean face to face talk to each other for work. There are also text/emails during the week too. There really hasn’t been anymore personal social media contact since he started working here.


I do not think you should quit your job because your ex joined your company. What happens if you quit and go to a competitor, but then later he does too? Will you keep running? No, that's dumb.

But you should absolutely knock it off with the non-work social stuff with him. 100%. I'd sit down with your Ex and say, look, for my marriage and my own boundaries, I need to end our socializing - we need to keep this to work and work only. And then unfriend/block on social media to remove any of those temptations.

Then you can tell your H what you did. Tell him it came from you, that it was something you felt was appropriate and a way to dedicate yourself to the marriage.


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

Vie-s said:


> You all agree that no contact and looking for a new job is what I should do?


No, that's not what I advocated, you are an adult and should be able to have a professional relationship with your ex. What I would need is that you told your ex that you need to protect your marriage and as such, will have no non professional conversations with him. You should make it clear that email is the only acceptable form of communication, no messaging on any other platform. 

Place it all in an email and let your husband see it being sent. Make it absolutely clear there is no wiggle room and that your ex is aware your husband is party to this setting of boundaries. Also add a line about you loving your husband and you would never do anything to jeopardise your marriage. 

If you really wanted to seal the deal, you should make HR aware of your previous relationship status. So that if he crosses a boundary after you have set them, there will be work repercussions


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Vie-s said:


> I mean face to face talk to each other for work. There are also text/emails during the week too. There really hasn’t been anymore personal social media contact since he started working here.


The best case, in my opinion, is for you to make a change so that interaction like this is not required. Maybe it's a new department or in a new org, or worse case in a new company. And continuing with best case, you should do that immediately, without waiting to be asked by your husband.

The reality is that you like what you're doing and where you are at, so talk to your husband and see what he's comfortable with. If you need third-party help to navigate the conversation and boundary discussion then definitely get into marriage counseling.

This issue has the potential to blow up your marriage in a number of different ways. Get in front of that!


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

@Vie-s 

to answer your previous questions - 1- yes you need to look for another Job or transfer to a different build or internal job that will keep any interaction with your ex away 2- your husband is right and honestly speaking, you should've stopped communication with your ex the day you guys broke it off. there is no such friendship after Exs and guys will always think about their hormones. would you let your husband work with his? 

your husband is protective and doesnt wont his wife to work around a guy that she had slept with. in Marriage, there are ups and downs - sometimes during the downs period the Exs can be a recipe for a disaster and alter the way brain thinks - Brain will always remember the good days and not the bad days - when you are in a down period with your husband you brain will switch and remember the good old days with your Ex. When Sex is low, crippled or/and change due to anything - guess what, the first thing when you see your Ex you will body will think about these good old days with him. 

No matter, how good, faithful, trusty and happy in your marriage some of these feeling unintentionally will creep in - and they become more destructive when you have kids 

My advice, if you love your husband and happy with your marriage - look for another job - your husband might be hurting and feeling insecure and he is burying it inside him.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Guy who is engaged to you previously moves back and ends up where he needs to see and talk to you multiple times a week.

Any guy who would be accepting of the situation you describe would be an outlier.

As to what you should do about it, it depends on why the guy showed up and is working in proximity to you.

It’s kind of also up to your husband. If it were me I’d probably have a nice chat with him and then figure out from there what I wanted to do about it.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

If your husband is feeling upset/uncomfortable with the idea of your ex working where you work, I _guess_ you could search for a new career. But, I think you should probably stop communicating with him on social media and if it's not important with work, stop texting, too. The less communication, the better.

I don't know, if you really love your job, company and get paid well, it might just require your constant reassurance to your husband that you're not hanging around your ex at work. Hopefully, the tension will ease, and you'll both get to a better place with this. Honestly, it would bother me if I were in your situation, if my ex bf whom I was engaged to, wanted to work where I work. You may have no interest anymore, but he might.

I'm not a believer in coincidences. 😅


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

IMO, you _shouldn't_ have to look for another job in these circumstances, but if your husband is that uncomfortable then it's _probably the best_ solution. However, his suspicion (paranoia?) and lack of trust in you isn't attractive. Would he change jobs for you in similar circumstances?


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## MegaTbone (10 d ago)

Ok, so no matter what you say to your husband, no matter the reassurances that you love him and he has nothing to worry about...HE will worry. Its his job to protect his marriage. He sees this ex fiance as a direct threat to his marriage. The worst thing you can do is to try and calm him. He needs you to listen to what he feels and know you respect that. Guarantee you, that even though he didn't say anything over the years about your communications with the ex, he was burning inside over it. Most any men who love their mates will feel that way. Please navigate this situation very carefully. You loved the other guy at one time, probably a part of always will. This can cause confusion inside and as your husband worries about, a very, very big mistake.


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

I think the level of contact with your ex is quite high and seems to be on a day to day basis. I would actually say this level of contact counts as working closely together.

I am not saying you are going to have an affair, the issue is that the two of you have a history and a level of connection and your husband is already unhappy with the current situation which, with this level of contact, is only going to get worse.

I don’t know what to advise now. If I was your husband, I would want you quit. If I was you, I would want my husband to have total trust in me and to continue to work on my career. However, the level of contact here is a game changer for me. People who work together always have little moments together, in jokes, things that they can talk about but an outsider won’t understand and will feel excluded - this is just normal working life but most people are not ex lovers.

I would repeat that you quitting your job is NOT going to address your ex living in the same area and your regular contact is going to come back and bite you.

I think you need to have a long discussion with your husband, clearly lay down the level of contact and working relationship you have with your ex and identify the effect this will have on both your husband and marriage. I then think you need to explain your needs, what impact any change of job will have on you and your marriage plus you both need to be honest how you are going to address lack of trust on both sides (he is not going to fully trust you, you are not going to be able to live under constant suspicion and questioning).

I would like to think this will help you come to a mutually agreed solution (which is not saying you have to quit your job) but good luck with that.

Of course, the simple solution is that your ex leaves the company and the area.

I feel sorry for the two of you. This is not of your own making yet you are the ones who are going to have to work through the consequences.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Vie-s said:


> I mean face to face talk to each other for work. There are also text/emails during the week too. There really hasn’t been anymore personal social media contact since he started working here.


This is a hard one. I would be disturbed if I was your husband as well.

I don't think there is an easy answer for this one.

I don't think you have behaved inappropriately. Your husband knew you occasionally kept up with him on social media and seemed ok with it because he wasn't around.

Your marriage is still fairly new though and I understand being territorial.

I was extremely rude and abrupt with my wife's first husband when he tried to say hello to us when passing us on a sidewalk.

I stepped between my then girlfriend and her ex, put my arm around her and kept walking.

Not very nice. I know but we were just starting out and I wasn't allowing any room for another man, especially an ex.

I found out years later that he did have designs on getting her back.

We have been together over 31 years so that territorial behavior couldn't have been all bad.😉

You and your husband need to work together to identify and establish healthy boundaries you can both prosper with.

Your husband isn't wrong at all to be feeling the way he is and I understand your professional situation.

Is there anyway you could shift a little inside your company so you don't have to interact with your ex?

Is he still single?


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## Vie-s (9 d ago)

I understand that my husband is bothered by this to an extent. I don’t think there is anything I can do at work to have less contact with him. He is single but I know he dates. I will talk to my husband about what would make him comfortable. I do not want to have to change jobs but I will if this becomes a bigger issue. Not sure if I should talk to my ex about this or that would look weird? I will stop the social media contact though.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


BigDaddyNY said:



First and foremost you should 100% stop any and all social contact. He shouldn't be your friend on any SM and you shouldn't have his contact info. If that isn't possible due to you job then I think you need a new job. Or, if an option, a transfer within you company that makes it so you have no contact.

Click to expand...

*Not trying to be snarky, but did you miss the part in her previous posts where she CLEARLY states that she's remained friendly via social media with her ex and her husband *has known about it from Day #1?* Let's not act as though she's been doing something wrong or sneaky when this has ALWAYS been out in the open and her husband NEVER had a problem until the guy happened to get hired there.

He needs to find a way to deal with his insecurities. The OP did *nothing* wrong. For her to have to get a new job and suddenly start acting like her ex is Public Enemy Number #1 is just FEEDING into her husband's childish insecurities. I feel like we're dealing with a damned 15-year-old hormonal insecure teenage boy, not a grown-ass man. 🤪🤪


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Vie-s said:


> I understand that my husband is bothered by this to an extent. I don’t think there is anything I can do at work to have less contact with him. He is single but I know he dates. I will talk to my husband about what would make him comfortable. I do not want to have to change jobs but I will if this becomes a bigger issue. Not sure if I should talk to my ex about this or that would look weird? I will stop the social media contact though.


It might be worthwhile to run it by your husband. Tell him what you would say to your ex about making it clear that you are professional only. Two heads are better than one and you are supposed to be a team.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

OP, please ask your hb what happens if this guy comes to your new company. Will you have to leave again?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Not trying to be snarky, but did you miss the part in her previous posts where she CLEARLY states that she's remained friendly via social media with her ex and her husband *has known about it from Day #1?* Let's not act as though she's been doing something wrong or sneaky when this has ALWAYS been out in the open and her husband NEVER had a problem until the guy happened to get hired there.
> 
> He needs to find a way to deal with his insecurities. The OP did *nothing* wrong. For her to have to get a new job and suddenly start acting like her ex is Public Enemy Number #1 is just FEEDING into her husband's childish insecurities. I feel like we're dealing with a damned 15-year-old hormonal insecure teenage boy, not a grown-ass man. 🤪🤪


I agree that the OP has done nothing wrong, but calling her husband's feeling childish is not going to help. He feels the way he feels. I would feel exactly as he does. 

As for the SM contact. It suspect is was one thing when she had the few SM interactions with him from a long distance. Now they are seeing each other on a regular basis. The situation is completely different.


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

How will changing your job make you feel? Will you be resentful? Will that lead to further problems in your marriage? 

I would not talk to your ex about this if I was in your shoes. It will only stoke his ego and may think there is an issue in your marriage that he can exploit.

I would be careful how you stop the social contact as well. Why tell him anything, why not just not respond or instigate any contact - just stop. Making an issue of it is, again, signify to the ex that there is trouble in your relationship. If he asks you about it, feign indifference and tell him you do not have time.


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## Zedd (Jul 27, 2021)

Vie-s said:


> . Not sure if I should talk to my ex about this or that would look weird?


Don't. It's not his circus. 

Now, if he approaches you and asks why you've gone cold, then you can mention that given your history, you think it's best and it was ok being in touch when he was away, but you don't want to give off the appearance of anything other than complete professionalism in the workplace, and you hope he can understand.


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## Amanhasnoname (Apr 1, 2021)

Vie-s said:


> There are no feelings between ex and I.


Hi Vie,
I'm just curious, how do you know he has no feelings for you?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Vie-s said:


> I understand that my husband is bothered by this to an extent. I don’t think there is anything I can do at work to have less contact with him. He is single but I know he dates. I will talk to my husband about what would make him comfortable. I do not want to have to change jobs but I will if this becomes a bigger issue. Not sure if I should talk to my ex about this or that would look weird? I will stop the social media contact though.


Good about the social media.

Under no circumstances should you say so much as boo to your ex without your husband agreeing about it and with him being able to scrutinize the conversation (text or email only).

My wife has allowed me social media contact with a couple of my exes but we are nowhere near them and I haven't seen either one since I was a teen.

We just keep up about children and grandchildren.

My wife would have a very visceral reaction if I started working with one of them though.


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## Vie-s (9 d ago)

He has always been respectful and knows I’m married. He hasn’t done anything that would make me think he has feelings for me still. If I found a better job then fine, I wouldn’t be upset. If it is at the point where I find a crappier job then that is going to bother me.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Vie-s said:


> He has always been respectful and knows I’m married. He hasn’t done anything that would make me think he has feelings for me still. If I found a better job then fine, I wouldn’t be upset. If it is at the point where I find a crappier job then that is going to bother me.


Many people here are saying, and I agree, this is a crap situation and none of the ways forward are perfect.

The only reasonable thing is to talk to your husband and figure out what works. You can always decide to leave things as they are and run the risk of destroying your marriage, that's your choice. Or you can bail to something new and find out you have other troubles, you never know. I said it before, life's not fair. We pick the best option for our situation and move forward.

I wish you the best of luck.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Vie-s said:


> He has always been respectful and knows I’m married. He hasn’t done anything that would make me think he has feelings for me still. If I found a better job then fine, I wouldn’t be upset. If it is at the point where I find a crappier job then that is going to bother me.


LoL. Don't be going for another job just yet and do not go for a crappy job.


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## Zedd (Jul 27, 2021)

Vie-s said:


> If I found a better job then fine, I wouldn’t be upset. If it is at the point where I find a crappier job then that is going to bother me.


Perhaps this is your compromise when you chat with your hubby about it. 

Blah blah blah, I'm content where I am, but maybe it wouldn't hurt me to look around and kill 2 birds with one stone if I can find a good position with a new company I like, maybe with a bump in your career, etc etc.

Always easiest to find a new job when you have one, and even more so when it's one you aren't looking to leave. Keeps you in a strong position for negotiations and can make sure it's a proper fit.


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## Jakobs (6 mo ago)

Woman gets engaged to man. Man/woman break off the relationship and the man moves to another town but they decide to keep it amicable (+)_ and keep in touch via social platform (+). _Woman then marries new man. Woman then informs (+) _new man that she still keeps a line of communication (+)_ open with man, for years. THEN, man gets job at same company that woman works at but man never mentions to woman that he just got job at same firm (+). New man then finds out man is now closely working with woman and new man’s gut immediately tells him something really messed up has taken place.

Where you see a “(+)” is where my BS meter goes off the charts.

My issue with the OP’s message is the orgy of minimizations and trickle-truthing as well as the complete lack of empathy. I still do not think she is being completely honest with us. She’s obviously NOT been honest with her husband because his internal biological warning mechanism, which took millions of years of evolution to develop, just told him that whatever the wife is telling him is going on and what he is actually sensing is happening (his reality) do not match.

Either she’s being naïvely dumb for putting herself in places where things could develop or she’s intentionally allowing her ex to move ever so closer. I tend to think the later is the case.


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## Vie-s (9 d ago)

Ex and I talked about the job beforehand. Husband was not excited but it was fine. It has grown into a bigger issue. Not everything is an affair.


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## MegaTbone (10 d ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Could be true, may not be.
> 
> This OP leaves the door wide open for suspicion.
> -engaged and broke up only because he moved away
> ...


I'm sure her husband is already thinking about the "coincidence" angle as well.


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

I have to say op, your reticence to do what is necessary to put your husbands mind at ease is concerning, I don't think you should have to leave your job, but not wanting to appear weird in front of your ex is a total cop out for not setting him straight. Any normal human being in this situation would completely understand why you need to put the brakes on your interactions. 

Are you sure you're not enjoying having him back in your life?


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## Zedd (Jul 27, 2021)

Zedd said:


> Always easiest to find a new job when you have one, and even more so when it's one you aren't looking to leave. Keeps you in a strong position for negotiations and can make sure it's a proper fit.


Also, how is your manager? Not that the manager would be excited to help you leave, but if they're good at their job, they'd understand and might be able to point you to places/jobs that could be a good fit for you. I have had to do that from time to time for people. They're ready for the next step and I don't have the next step available at that point in time, so I start making some calls for them and helping them look around.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Vie-s said:


> Not sure if I should talk to my ex about this or that would look weird?


Don't


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

Vie-s said:


> Ex and I talked about the job beforehand. Husband was not excited but it was fine. It has grown into a bigger issue. Not everything is an affair.


Stop talking to your Ex about your husband worries. in fact, stop talking to you Ex period. and for the time being until you find solution you should avoid him at work unless it is directly work related. 
doesn't hurt to actively look for the same or even better job.


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

Laurentium said:


> Don't


just fyi, talking to your ex about your husband insecurity is a disrespect, betrayal, and making your husband look ....


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## Jakobs (6 mo ago)

Vie-s said:


> Ex and I talked about the job beforehand. Husband was not excited but it was fine. It has grown into a bigger issue. Not everything is an affair.


Your husband’s reaction is NOT the typical reaction of a well-informed individual. Meaning one can deduce that you have been “fluffing” him along for a while and his gut just told him that.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Although as a male I can understand, some of the responses here, mostly by other males, they are extreme and show deep insecurities. 

She doesn't has to leave her job, uproot her life, all because her ex came to work at her place of employment and they have to interact. Her husband either trust her or not. That's his cross to bear. 

Although due to his mistrusts and fears, OP and the husband need to come to an understanding as far as boundaries. If the husband gets all bent out of shape and/or becomes irrational with jealousy, then I would tend to think that OP has a problem of trust with her husband. Where there's no trust, there's no base for a relationship to continue.

Since OP has been upfront and open on the whole thing with her husband, then I would think that there's no conflict or shenanigans to worry about by the husband. Also, my opinion is that she has nothing to share or ask to the ex. It should all be between her and her husband, unless ex makes any type of moves on her. And she should continue to be open and upfront with her husband. 

The two of then should be able to reach a mutual understanding and how to move forward, but like I said, if the husband gets way too demanding, insecure, and shows lack of trust, then this relationship didn't have a firm base to stand to begin with. 

Like my motto "trust but verify", that's what the husband should do in my opinion.


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## Vie-s (9 d ago)

Jakobs said:


> Your husband’s reaction is NOT the typical reaction of a well-informed individual. Meaning one can deduce that you have been “fluffing” him along for a while and his gut just told him that.


I don’t know what that means.


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## Jakobs (6 mo ago)

Vie-s said:


> Not sure if I should talk to my ex about this or that would look weird?


WOW… So you’re concerned with your ex’s feelings but irritated by your husband’s.

LOL.


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## Jakobs (6 mo ago)

Vie-s said:


> I don’t know what that means.


The way he just reacted does not match what you say, which was that “he was ok.” He is OBVIOUSLY not ok with it, maybe afraid to come across as controlling and insecure.

If it were me, I would’ve told you to stop all contact and would have had a word with the ex. And had you responded to my boundaries with the same un-empathetic tone you used with your husband I would’ve handed you divorce papers the very same day.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Vie-s said:


> I don’t know what that means.


What he means is that he thinks that you and your ex have been more than just casual, and that you have been feeding your husband nothing but ****. 

So, now your husband is sensing that all you ever said about your interactions with the ex were nothing but a cover-up, and something must be going on.


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## Vie-s (9 d ago)

Jakobs said:


> WOW… So you’re concerned with your ex’s feelings but irritated by your husband’s.
> 
> LOL.


I meant weird to my husband


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

You have said that your husband was fine twice now, once with the ongoing social contact and then just now about talking with the ex about applying for his job. Obviously, things are NOT fine.

Saying that your husband has a cross to bear is pretty much guaranteeing you break up.

Let’s not get into lambasting either the OP or husband, just not helpful at all.

The fact that the ex has been respectful in the past only reflects the fact that he and the OP have not worked closely on a daily basis. Not saying that the OP intends to have an affair but her husband, ( lots of other threads on TAM have started the same way) and, I think quite a few on here think that an affair in the future is possible. The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Only goes to show just how difficult this situation is and how the OP and her husband need to thrash things out in a respectful manner that meets both their needs.

We all seem to agree on this but HOW are they going to do this? I haven’t seen any satisfactory answers on here. Time for marriage counselling/external, professional help?


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## Vie-s (9 d ago)

I have been nothing but honest with my husband and want to do what is right for our marriage. I would prefer to keep my job though.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Jakobs said:


> WOW… So you’re concerned with your ex’s feelings but irritated by your husband’s.
> 
> LOL.


You are reading her posts though your own insecurities and prejudices. it's obvious. She didn't mean to say she was concerned with the ex's feelings. The way I read it, she was asking if it was OK, or a good idea to tell the ex about the situation, and that if her husband would view that in a negative light.


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## QuietGuy (Aug 31, 2021)

I agree with the sentiment that you should not have to leave your job. Having said that, it would not hurt to look around for another job that is at least as good as what you have now. All social contact with the ex should stop and you should never discuss your personal life (especially problems) with him at work. Your husband may be worried that if your relationship hits a rough patch, you have a single ex readily available to you. All I can really suggest is that you keep communicating with your husband and try to get him to tell you specifically what he needs to feel secure in the relationship.


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## Vie-s (9 d ago)

QuietGuy said:


> I agree with the sentiment that you should not have to leave your job. Having said that, it would not hurt to look around for another job that is at least as good as what you have now. All social contact with the ex should stop and you should never discuss your personal life (especially problems) with him at work. Your husband may be worried that if your relationship hits a rough patch, you have a single ex readily available to you. All I can really suggest is that you keep communicating with your husband and try to get him to tell you specifically what he needs to feel secure in the relationship.


I will do that. Thank you.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Vie-s said:


> Ex and I talked about the job beforehand. Husband was not excited but it was fine. It has grown into a bigger issue. Not everything is an affair.


Whoa wait a minute.....you guys talked about this before he took the job and your H said it was fine....but now has buyers' remorse?

That's not fair to you. What changed?

One thing I'd definitely do is not talk about your ex at all - no need to bring him up at all - it'll feed his problem.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

What an uncomfortable position for a spouse to be in. Most people would be uncomfortable with their spouse ever interacting with an ex fiancé,let alone them working together.


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## Vie-s (9 d ago)

Gabriel said:


> Whoa wait a minute.....you guys talked about this before he took the job and your H said it was fine....but now has buyers' remorse?
> 
> That's not fair to you. What changed?
> 
> One thing I'd definitely do is not talk about your ex at all - no need to bring him up at all - it'll feed his problem.


I talked to my ex about the job couple of times and he told me when he applied. Husband wasn’t excited about it but seemed fine. Since then it has just been getting worse.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Vie-s said:


> I talked to my ex about the job couple of times and he told me when he applied. Husband wasn’t excited about it but seemed fine. Since then it has just been getting worse.


That makes sense.

"seemed fine" doesn't mean he was fine. And it finally got to him.

I would wager a guess that he sensed something was off. Maybe you showed a little too much 'excitement' when the ex started work or maybe you were late home one day...whatever. Any little thing could escalate his insecure feelings and start causing problems. Just a hunch.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Right, or she talked about him one too many times.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

To be honest @Vie-s probably half the people on TAM think you're orchestrating this whole thing to keep ex in your orbit.

I'm only 70% against that idea. Your husband may be planted in the 30% group (convinced you're up to no good) and the way forward will be tough for you. Or he may be in the 70% group and you just need good communication and you'll be fine. It's really up to him and you.


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

Vie-s said:


> I talked to my ex about the job couple of times and he told me when he applied. Husband wasn’t excited about it but seemed fine. Since then it has just been getting worse.


Vie-s
this is going to be an issue Gas/fire situation - no matter how you talk to your husband or how strong he trust you it is still going to be an issue and will keep poping up until you either cheat or you guys ending up in divorce. 

it is your call - if you want to keep your marriage and your husband then move to another job. dont try to shape how your husband feels to your need


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

Vie-s, I think we all appreciate that you love your husband, want your marriage to work and want to keep your job. I sincerely hope this works out for you.

Are you still getting the support you need from this forum?

Sometimes posts just go round in circles after a while and little new comes out. 

I think, in general, people have been pretty supportive of you and your husband but things can turn quite quickly and become hurtful.

Is this an appropriate time for you to take a short break and work things out with your husband? I don’t recall seeing anything in your posts about talking to him during the time period of these posts but I admit I may have missed it.

You can always come back for further advice.

Me, I think I would quit whilst I am still ahead here but, of course, we will still be here if you want us.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

ConanHub said:


> I was extremely rude and abrupt with my wife's first husband when he tried to say hello to us when passing us on a sidewalk.


I was a bit more direct when I started dating my wife. The second time her ex came by her house I had a nice little chat with him. It went like:

“Nice motorcycle.”
“Thanks.”
“Oh yeah, if you come over here again and I’m here I will slam your head into the concrete. Ok, bye bye then!”

Never saw him again.


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## Vie-s (9 d ago)

When I get back I’m going to ask him what I can do to make him more comfortable and have a calm conversation about it.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

ccpowerslave said:


> I was a bit more direct when I started dating my wife. The second time her ex came by her house I had a nice little chat with him. It went like:
> 
> “Nice motorcycle.”
> “Thanks.”
> ...


LoL! I had a reputation back then. He never tried to see her or meet her.

He just happened to be walking the opposite direction we were in a small town.

Mrs. C gave me a heads up before we passed him because I didn't know him from Adam.

I love the smooth transition from bike to face plant in the concrete.🤣


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Vie-s said:


> I meant weird to my husband


I think most of us got that.


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

It's okay if your husband is traumatized by thinking that you're comparing himself to ex every day.

my career is important, just a friend, trust me, I follow you in sm, we meet at work, he has a relationship, only food, I don't understand how it happened, I didn't want to hurt you, I didn't want you to be upset, I tried to deny that I love him but it didn't work etc.

The excuses continue like this, I have no words for your marriage, we will understand if you update it in the future.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Vie-s said:


> I talked to my ex about the job couple of times and he told me when he applied. Husband wasn’t excited about it but seemed fine. Since then it has just been getting worse.


This is a fine line that might have been crossed.

Your ex didn't know about your employer until you informed him.

Did you talk to your husband before telling your ex about a job opportunity where you work?

It sounds like your closeness with your ex and the extent of your relationship with him influenced and encouraged this situation to happen.


If Mrs. Conan had asked if I had a problem with her telling her ex about a job opportunity to work with her, I would have adamantly said yes.


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## Vie-s (9 d ago)

ConanHub said:


> This is a fine line that might have been crossed.
> 
> Your ex didn't know about your employer until you informed him.
> 
> ...


I didn’t inform him of any job opportunities. He applied, knew that I worked there and then we talked about it from that.


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## Jakobs (6 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> To be honest @Vie-s probably half the people on TAM think you're orchestrating this whole thing to keep ex in your orbit.


Well, what are the odds that an ex husband who cancelled a wedding because he had to move out of town all of a sudden moves back to the same town and starts working for the same company the very same woman he left works at? All the while not communicating with him.

Haven’t we seen this movie before?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

OP one reasonable semi-scorched earth idea depending on the size of your company is to go to HR and explain the situation.

If you went to your manager directly if they’re not dumb they will immediately take it to HR/legal. Having worked at a couple large corporations I can guess that if a lady I was managing came to HR with these concerns they’d pull your ex off of any cross-talk you’d have, probably flag any internal communications, maybe get him to sign something up to and including being offered severance to quit.

If you’re at a large place then I’m sure they have a no retaliation policy. So get everything documented and they’ll basically never be able to touch you.

It might be worth 2-300$ to talk to an employment attorney first. This will probably also be seen as a positive development by your husband.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Vie-s said:


> I talked to my ex about the job couple of times and he told me when he applied.


You can see why I thought what I did.


Vie-s said:


> I didn’t inform him of any job opportunities. He applied, knew that I worked there and then we talked about it from that.


Your ex still knew about the job from your continued interaction with him.

I'm positive your husband wasn't "fine" with the level of relationship you were maintaining with your ex but was too passive to put his foot down about it.

He apparently put up with it because of the distance.

It was unhealthy in this barbarian's opinion. You should not have been that close with your ex to be discussing that level of details.

Now that your ex has entered your environment (not by chance at all) the mess has been made and cutting out all social contact seems a bit late.


I'm not beating you up. I am pointing out very real and noticeable flaws and weaknesses in your behavior towards your own marriage.

Your husband has a serious flaw as well. He's too passive about his boundaries.

There is damage occuring right now to your marriage that wouldn't be happening if your husband had not been weak and spoken up about your relationship with your ex and if you had enough realization to keep your ex further away from your life.

I think you both need a course in healthy communication and boundaries.

Have you ever resisted your husband if he negatively mentioned your relationship via social media with your ex?


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## Jakobs (6 mo ago)

ccpowerslave said:


> I was a bit more direct when I started dating my wife. The second time her ex came by her house I had a nice little chat with him. It went like:
> 
> “Nice motorcycle.”
> “Thanks.”
> ...


THIS ^^^

Exes “roaming around” are probably the biggest red flag when it comes to adultery (and I’m not saying there’s cheating going on in this case) so… why on earth would she purposely put herself in a place where people can think that? It makes no sense.

I reckon there’s a lot we’re not being told here. To me it sounds as though the husband found something out that got his gut screaming at him. Something that maybe even she doesn’t know he knows that he now realizes could spell the end of the relationship.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Vie-s said:


> I talked to my ex about the job couple of times and he told me when he applied. Husband wasn’t excited about it but seemed fine. Since then it has just been getting worse.


@Vie-s just how often were you in contact with your ex boyfriend. It seems like you and him were messaging all the time. It’s no wonder your husband is getting suspicious.
I don’t know you and I don’t trust you. I told you earlier you were either naïve or else you didn’t care about your husband’s feelings and now I firmly believe you don’t care about what he thinks. 
Just how excited are you about your ex coming home?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

P.S. @Vie-s , you need to stop convincing yourself your husband was "fine".

You knew he wasn't "excited" about learning your ex fiance was going to be working with you.

That terminology is nonsense. He wasn't "fine" with it at all and excited is certainly a snark.

You need to start admitting to the reality of the situation. It will help you both work through this mess.


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## Jakobs (6 mo ago)

And @Vie-s, please take my opinion with a grain of salt but… even from a negotiating perspective your leverage isn’t that stellar either. Imagine your ex gets promoted: your hypergamy is going to get triggered big time. Is this why you insist on staying at the job, because he is good at what he does and you feel like he’s going to be promoted soon, giving you choosing powers over two high-value males?

This is probably one of your husband’s concerns, along with the proximity.


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## Vie-s (9 d ago)

Before he started working where I do we talked a few times a year. He isn’t my bff and we aren’t that close anymore. The contact has picked up since he moved back. I thought he was mostly fine with everything until recently. I’ll talk to him.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Vie-s said:


> Before he started working where I do we talked a few times a year. He isn’t my bff and we aren’t that close anymore. The contact has picked up since he moved back. I thought he was mostly fine with everything until recently. I’ll talk to him.


The exes I have kept in touch with don't have a clue where I work and only know the state I live in.

Your ex knew way too much about you. From now on, he should be totally cut off from any personal knowledge.

That "friendship" needs put away for good.


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## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

Is your ex with you on the work trip ?


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Vie-s said:


> Before he started working where I do we talked a few times a year. He isn’t my bff and we aren’t that close anymore. *The contact has picked up since he moved back.* I thought he was mostly fine with everything until recently. I’ll talk to him.


That's what needs to stop. You'll need to create some personal distance. Keep it professional.

Some people didn't like my idea of telling the X that you need to reduce contact to respect your marriage. To clarify, I agree it's not wise for her to say how her H is feeling - it should simply be a boundary she's setting going forward. If he asks why, just say, you want to keep this professional only and don't want any blurred lines, and you'll be doing that more, and ask he does the same. It doesn't have to be complicated or emotional


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## Vie-s (9 d ago)

Jimi007 said:


> Is your ex with you on the work trip ?


no lol


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

I don’t think you need to quit your job or disrupt your career bc your Ex got a job there, but just remember Boundaries Boundaries Boundaries. The Ex may not be a bad guy but he isn’t good for your marriage.


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## 39old27new1004 (9 d ago)

All I can say is, coming from the other side.. this situation SUCKS. You really want to talk to your s.o. about the situation with his ex because it’s eating you up but then, you don’t want to sound neurotic so the only thing you end up doing is feeling angry, hurt, depressed and sorry for yourself.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

39old27new1004 said:


> I’ve been married for 3 months now and it was only after marriage that I found out that my husband had a really serious infatuation for his female boss (married) about 7 years ago. She was, and still is, married and from what I gather, she rejected my husband (who was single at the time) because she did not want to leave her husband. Since then, the two have been in a platonic “best friends” relationship, and since they share the same workplace, it’s kind of unavoidable to talk to each other. Here’s the first red flag. There are more selfies sent by this boss on my husband's phone than me or anyone else for that matter of fact. Well, there not racy or problematic selfies, and she's been sending more pictures of her son than selfies of herself lately. (If the child wasn’t a spitting image of the boss's husband, this would probably have had me going ballistic with all flights of imagination) From my point of view, it's a bit suspicious and uncomfortable, but I don’t want to sound like a neurotic wife who monitors her husband's phone. I made up my mind to make the best of it, hey, it happened before he met me, I’ve had serious relationships before, we can move on, blah blah... But recently, this female boss again became my husband's direct HR manager who’s now basically the decision maker in his career. Now, it’s in the interest of our family for my husband to “kiss up” to this female boss. Ouch, talk about adding insult to injury. When I visited the house where he lived as bachelor for the first tome, I found several photo frames on the husband's bedroom walls, sort of like a montage. The thing that bothered me was that, again, HER selfie was one of the only things two solo photos (the rest were group photos of family members and friends) and placed quite prominently right under the other solo photo, that of his. I did mention archly that I would have appreciated him taking the photos down but he made light of it and the photo is STILL hanging to this day. Am I overreacting? Should I talk to my husband about this?


You aren't over reacting and you should talk to your husband. You should also start your own thread rather than jack this one. There you could get more advice.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

39old27new1004 said:


> I’ve been married for 3 months now and it was only after marriage that I found out that my husband had a really serious infatuation for his female boss (married) about 7 years ago. She was, and still is, married and from what I gather, she rejected my husband (who was single at the time) because she did not want to leave her husband. Since then, the two have been in a platonic “best friends” relationship, and since they share the same workplace, it’s kind of unavoidable to talk to each other. Here’s the first red flag. There are more selfies sent by this boss on my husband's phone than me or anyone else for that matter of fact. Well, there not racy or problematic selfies, and she's been sending more pictures of her son than selfies of herself lately. (If the child wasn’t a spitting image of the boss's husband, this would probably have had me going ballistic with all flights of imagination) From my point of view, it's a bit suspicious and uncomfortable, but I don’t want to sound like a neurotic wife who monitors her husband's phone. I made up my mind to make the best of it, hey, it happened before he met me, I’ve had serious relationships before, we can move on, blah blah... But recently, this female boss again became my husband's direct HR manager who’s now basically the decision maker in his career. Now, it’s in the interest of our family for my husband to “kiss up” to this female boss. Ouch, talk about adding insult to injury. When I visited the house where he lived as bachelor for the first tome, I found several photo frames on the husband's bedroom walls, sort of like a montage. The thing that bothered me was that, again, HER selfie was one of the only things two solo photos (the rest were group photos of family members and friends) and placed quite prominently right under the other solo photo, that of his. I did mention archly that I would have appreciated him taking the photos down but he made light of it and the photo is STILL hanging to this day. Am I overreacting? Should I talk to my husband about this?


You need to start your own thread and we will respond.


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## Jakobs (6 mo ago)

@Vie-s If you’re wondering how your situation can potentially unfold, read this thread:









Wife and Her Ex-Fiance Keep Causing Trouble


I am having a problem with my wife's repeated attempts to renew a friendship with her ex-fiance. I have already intervened and told her I am not comfortable with their "friendship," which seems to constantly push the boundaries. Right now, she says there is no contact. I don't entirely...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com


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## MIB (Dec 20, 2017)

Thinking about this as if I were the husband and how I’d feel…

A few conversations now and then wouldn’t bother me, just like you said didn’t bother him before. Or did it? I would most certainly not like my wife having any conversation with her ex, but if it was infrequent, I could hold it together and get over it for the sake of peace and not wanting to seem insecure. But I’d still hate it. It would hurt.

Now he works with you. This changes everything. Its all innocent. Purely professional. Why should your husband be concerned? I mean, consistent contact with an ex has NEVER segued into anything more, right? Riiiiiight😕

You are his most valued relationship. You’re at the top. It begins and ends with you, but now, the other guy, that you WERE GOING to be that to, is ever present with you more days of the week than not.

That is a precarious position for a guy to be in. It would affect me on some level consistently and I would struggle between wanting to believe you and not trusting him one bit. And he has no reason to trust him. That guy owes nobody anything. It’s all good today, but then….

….you and your husband get in a small spat one morning. No biggie. All spouse’s do. But now, you leave for work and he realizes your mad at him and are going to be present with your ex. This is just one of many scenarios that crop up and would eat at me. It matters. I‘d feel like being expected to not let it bother me is being asked to go beyond what a husband/normal man is expected to do.

He loves you. And now this element has returned and he had no say in it. I fully understand his disposition. It would be hard.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Jakobs said:


> @Vie-s If you’re wondering how your situation can potentially unfold, read this thread:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Shame that he never posted any resolution to this -- did he stay or go?


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## Vie-s (9 d ago)

Jakobs said:


> @Vie-s If you’re wondering how your situation can potentially unfold, read this thread:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


What a nightmare


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## Vie-s (9 d ago)

Do you guys think any male/female friendships are appropriate while married/in relationship or should it just be an automatic no?


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

Vie-s said:


> Do you guys think any male/female friendships are appropriate while married/in relationship or should it just be an automatic no?


I think it’s all about boundaries. Me personally, I just think a former fiancé, gf/bf, sexual partner is a bad idea. Again, just my opinion.


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## UAArchangel (2 mo ago)

Vie-s said:


> Do you guys think any male/female friendships are appropriate while married/in relationship or should it just be an automatic no?


If you have a famial friendship with somebody of the opposite sex, the wisest thing to do is never be alone with that person but always interact with them with your spouse present.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Vie-s said:


> Do you guys think any male/female friendships are appropriate while married/in relationship or should it just be an automatic no?


It depends on your couple dynamic and each of your boundaries which must be mutual and agreed to.

Your ex should not have been so close with you and he can't be your friend.

My wife and I have opposite sex friends but as a couple.

Most of our friends are coupled up and those that are single do not spend time alone with my wife or myself if of the opposite sex.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

ConanHub said:


> I love the smooth transition from bike to face plant in the concrete


The funny thing is my girlfriend’s mom was home when he showed up and was sitting on the porch when I had that chat. She started laughing at him.



Vie-s said:


> Do you guys think any male/female friendships are appropriate while married/in relationship or should it just be an automatic no?


It depends. 

My wife is friends with some guys from back in the day, like high school. Some probably had a crush on her or vice versa. I screened them all in person and determined they are all losers. One recently invited her to a funeral for one of his parents, thanks to TAM paranoia I tagged along and re-validated things. I sometimes get irritated hearing what Billy sent her on social media but since I’m not concerned about that particular person (loser I could snap in half) it’s ok with me.

Similarly I had long term workout partners who were women, but always in a group setting. I didn’t hang out with them outside of a group, however I would occasionally interact with a Facebook or Instagram post. Wife never said anything.

So really I guess the answer is if you have no nefarious intent and your partner doesn’t care, it’s ok.


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## Dormatte (4 mo ago)

Vie-s said:


> You all agree that no contact and looking for a new job is what I should do?


I think that you should keep your current job because you love it and don't want to leave.

I think that if you truly are just cordial and aren't doing anything inappropriate, do exactly as you've been doing.

You're allowed to be cordial and talk to people same or opposite sex.

As long as it's appropriate.

Your husband is the problem.

This is a recipe for disaster..

This marriage.

Your husband sounds like he had major trust issues, and control problems..maybe since the entire relationship and may think you're cheating with whatever you do.

I understand his concerns if his concerns were genuine...

I think his concerns may be in an effort to establish control over you and eventually isolate you from the world.

A job change and limiting communication isn't going to appease him or make things better.

He will probably always accuse you of doing inappropriate things, no matter what you do.

If you stay in the home...in his presence... he'll accuse you...

If you're not in his presence.. he'll accuse you.

You probably can't "win" with him ever.

Even if he saw you say hi to the member of the opposite sex.. perhaps same later on... he's on his way to accusing you or having a "thing" or flirting with strangers..

He has major trust issues that probably have nothing or very little to do with you. ...

Maybe just women in general..

Or....

This could be a strategic deflection on his part....

Maybe he's the one cheating, and shifting blame to you..in case you ever found out...

He'll blame you for the cheating.

He'll say that it's your fault that he cheated.

He probably has a problem with you being around people in general.

Maybe he doesn't like the fact that you work and has never said anything.

No you should not change your job.

No you shouldn't "dump" a cordial friendship with someone that was there before him, that you truly care about...

Especially if it's an appropriate one.

I highly advise you divorce your husband.

Things are going to get worse.

He's trying to control your life, and eventually isolate you.

Don't have children with this man.

Look, if you truly have feelings for your ex and the feeling is mutual.....

You two may want to be together or give it a go again. There's nothing wrong with that,
As long as you divorce your husband.

You owe it to your husband to tell him and divorce him.

Don't let your husband control your life.

You have the right to be happy in your life.

If you like your job, and want your friend to stay in your life...

Divorce your husband.

He's never going to trust you anyways, no matter what you do.

You could have a new job and he'll accuse you of having an affair with someone there.

Not worth the headache or further heartache.

Don't let him boss you around.


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

Laurentium said:


> Don't


Don't


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Vie-s said:


> Do you guys think any male/female friendships are appropriate while married/in relationship or should it just be an automatic no?


As with most things, it depends. Both my wife and I maintain friendships with the opposite sex, in some cases they're exes (some exes are toxic or a problem in some way, and those are excluded, of course). It's about maintaining suitable boundaries, and I also think that in most cases your S.O. should at least meet the friend if they are in the area or visit the area, and the S.O. should be asked if they want to join in any social activities, when appropriate.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It doesn’t matter what the dynamic is for others — it matters what it is for you. And your husband doesn’t like it so that’s what counts. Do you want your friendship with your ex or do you want your marriage?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Dormatte said:


> I think that you should keep your current job because you love it and don't want to leave.
> 
> 
> I think that if you truly are just cordial and aren't doing anything inappropriate, do exactly as you've been doing.
> ...


You sure did project a whole lot onto the OP's husband with nothing to base it on.


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## MIB (Dec 20, 2017)

Dormatte said:


> I think that you should keep your current job because you love it and don't want to leave.
> 
> 
> I think that if you truly are just cordial and aren't doing anything inappropriate, do exactly as you've been doing.
> ...


Im betting this was written by the ex who works with her now.


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## Zedd (Jul 27, 2021)

Vie-s said:


> Do you guys think any male/female friendships are appropriate while married/in relationship or should it just be an automatic no?


it's all about trust and boundaries. 

When my now wife and I started dating, she did not like me talking to 2 women I work with. At all. Hated them. Finally, she mustered the courage to say something about "how those *****es are just waiting for their chance with you." I replied, "Yeah, I know." After that, it was all ok. By answering how I did, it removed all fear from her. I knew they had ulterior motives and I could handle that going forward.

Similarly, in her friend group there was one guy that made me uncomfortable. I told her so, and she said he wasn't a problem - just part of the friend group. I didn't like it, but she'd know better than me. One night of drinking, dude made a move going for a feelsky thinking she was drunker than she was. She shut that **** down, told me about it, and cut him out of her life. I told her she handled it and didn't need to, and her answer was - no, dude tried getting me when he thought I was vulnerable. He's out.

So, long story longer - neither one of us has issues with the other's opposite sex friends. To be fair, as kid's friends parents, or soccer/hockey parents come and go, we're usually on the same page about who we're comfortable around, so it's not much of an issue.

But again, it comes down to trust and boundaries. If they're healthy, it's not a problem.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

Your husband's issue is a trust issue. Adultery at the work place isn't a rare occurrence. The fact you are working with an ex in no way improves your situation. Your husband isn't naïve or foolish. You can argue with him all you like that your interactions are harmless. Dismissing your husband's concerns will not make them go away. You will only reinforce his suspicions. An ex that is an active participant in any spouses life, is not an ex. 

Who do you want to be married to? Your husband or your job and your ex? If you would like to keep your marriage you will have to choose. The optics to your husband - you are prioritizing your ex over him. Your husband has a valid concern about your boundaries. Arguing and defending your choice to continue to interact with this ex looks very similar to an wayward spouse defending their illicit interactions with an affair partner.

Trust is easy to destroy and impossible to rebuild. Tread carefully and choose wisely if you truly value your marriage and wish to keep it.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Dormatte said:


> I think that you should keep your current job because you love it and don't want to leave.
> 
> 
> I think that if you truly are just cordial and aren't doing anything inappropriate, do exactly as you've been doing.
> ...


Wow! I have seldom seen worse advice here 

How long have you been married?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

ConanHub said:


> Wow! I have seldom seen worse advice here
> 
> How long have you been married?


Actually Conan, I'm surprised it took this long for someone to post that.
Because THAT is the norm and overall attitude in numerous circles in both the millenial/gen Z generations.

Put simply, people want relationships that only add to their lives, not take from them. The reality of course, being that relationships take sacrifices.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Also, some people ARE overly paranoid, I don't think it's the OP husband's case. But seriously I had fights just because my partner forgot that she adjusted her seat, then the next day she sits on it and goes "who did you have in this car?!"  Then I give my phone and have her questioning every single call or number I received for hours. Then complains I'm not in the mood for sex.

I also don't use contacts, most people call me, I don't call them so I don't bother to label numbers it's their job to identify themselves. Yet of course, this is a red flag  Some people ARE controlling.

I think @Dormatte 's advice could be sound for a different situation, just not this one.


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## MegaTbone (10 d ago)

You really should suspend communicating with ex period. You may consider it rude, but your husband's love and desires should trump any concern over friends or a friendly ex.
I to, like a few here cant help but wonder why of all the jobs in the world, he winds up where you are working. Can you blame your husband for his concerns? You have maintained relations with this man throughout the years. This really does not look good nor appear innocent. Either you are naive or disrespect your husband as a fool.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> Also, some people ARE overly paranoid, I don't think it's the OP husband's case. But seriously I had fights just because my partner forgot that she adjusted her seat, then the next day she sits on it and goes "who did you have in this car?!"  Then I give my phone and have her questioning every single call or number I received for hours. Then complains I'm not in the mood for sex.
> 
> I also don't use contacts, most people call me, I don't call them so I don't bother to label numbers it's their job to identify themselves. Yet of course, this is a red flag  Some people ARE controlling.
> 
> I think @Dormatte 's advice could be sound for a different situation, just not this one.


Yeah and shooting someone in the head could be good advice in a different situation.

Doormat is incompetent to have not even understood the OP.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

ConanHub said:


> Yeah and shooting someone in the head could be good advice in a different situation.


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## UAArchangel (2 mo ago)

RandomDude said:


> Also, some people ARE overly paranoid, I don't think it's the OP husband's case. But seriously I had fights just because my partner forgot that she adjusted her seat, then the next day she sits on it and goes "who did you have in this car?!"  Then I give my phone and have her questioning every single call or number I received for hours. Then complains I'm not in the mood for sex.
> 
> I also don't use contacts, most people call me, I don't call them so I don't bother to label numbers it's their job to identify themselves. Yet of course, this is a red flag  Some people ARE controlling.
> 
> I think @Dormatte 's advice could be sound for a different situation, just not this one.


I would probably criticize @Dormatte's advice on two points.

1. You need to show your spouse that you are willing to protect them from their fears by being pro-active about your conduct.
2. The heart is deceptive. You think that you can walk along the edge of commitment without falling off just because you have a commitment to another person. I have never been unfaithful, in terms of having sex with somebody I am not committed to, but I have found myself surprised as to how easy it is to create a situation where you might end up unfaithful just because the person you were talking to managed to hit many of the points where you were vulnerable.


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## MegaTbone (10 d ago)

Vie-s, look i know you're here, but please understand that a lot of innocent things get bad in a hurry. Doesn't mean it'll be you. Look on you tube, SI and many other forums and you'll see how these type of innocent situations turn for the worse. Many a man or woman, who've had history before years ago wind up working together or being near each other in living areas. The ex may seem to be innocent and meaning nothing at first. Then they start grooming the other slowly. All of a sudden an old flame gets relit. Then all the bad decisions start to happen. The internet is rife with these types of situations. People fall into this trap easily over time. You may think your mate is the one, then slowly start to see them differently based off interaction with the old flame. Believe in your husband and love and respect him always. Put him first in your life as should be. If the roles were reversed, how would you feel?
Hoping that the 2 of you can find a doable and good solution to this. Best wishes.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

UAArchangel said:


> I would probably criticize @Dormatte's advice on two points.
> 
> 1. You need to show your spouse that you are willing to protect them from their fears by being pro-active about your conduct.
> 2. The heart is deceptive. You think that you can walk along the edge of commitment without falling off just because you have a commitment to another person. I have never been unfaithful, in terms of having sex with somebody I am not committed to, but I have found myself surprised as to how easy it is to create a situation where you might end up unfaithful just because the person you were talking to managed to hit many of the points where you were vulnerable.


I agree but there comes a time when despite your efforts there simply isn't any way to elevate their fears. Then what? One's patience also has its limits.

Anyway hypothetical, as I too reckon the scenarios are too different in this particular case.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Vie,

Does the Ex have a wife or SO, if I were your H I would give her a call and tell her about the history here so that she would put pressure on Ex to leave the company. You're right it's not fair for you to leave the company.

I presume you had sex with this Ex which is what makes it so objectionable. I would guess this was not a platonic relationship. 

That you have kept touch with him qualifies as an EA he is not a friend he is a man who is keeping you within reach. This may have been bothering your H for years but it seemed distant until now.

Also if Ex is taller, more athletic, makes more money, has a bigger male member, funnier, etc you have a problem which you might not be able to solve.


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## MegaTbone (10 d ago)

Rob_1 said:


> Although as a male I can understand, some of the responses here, mostly by other males, they are extreme and show deep insecurities.
> 
> She doesn't has to leave her job, uproot her life, all because her ex came to work at her place of employment and they have to interact. Her husband either trust her or not. That's his cross to bear.
> 
> ...


Yup and boundaries do get broken.


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## UAArchangel (2 mo ago)

RandomDude said:


> I agree but there comes a time when despite your efforts there simply isn't any way to elevate their fears. Then what? One's patience also has its limits.
> 
> Anyway hypothetical, as I too reckon the scenarios are too different in this particular case.


I can't stop somebody from being overly irrational if I have taken steps to show that I am being faithful to them. Some people develop an OCD about their fears.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

TAMAT said:


> Also if Ex is taller, more athletic, makes more money, has a bigger male member, funnier, etc you have a problem which you might not be able to solve.


Bollocks! My wife's first husband made a lot more than me (for about the first ten years of our relationship anyway), was taller than me and thicker in his musculature and he had an anomaly between his legs.

Your view of women is similar to a colorless, two dimensional cartoon.

Also, Vie mentioned earlier that her ex dates. He doesn't sound like he has a girlfriend. I'm not liking his statistics.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> *Bollocks! My wife's first husband made a lot more than me (for about the first ten years of our relationship anyway), was taller than me and thicker in his musculature and he had an anomaly between his legs.*
> 
> And your wife kept in touch with her ex?
> 
> ...


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

@TAMAT LoL! Been with my wife for over 31 years and she still wants me sexually, tries to impress me by looking good for me and there are no signs of those dynamics slowing down.

I'm maybe a little more aware of how to shape reality than you understand.

No, she has never tried to keep in touch with her exes.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

Vie-s said:


> I am currently in Canada for a few days for work and just created this account to ask about this issue because Reddit is garbage. I live and work in US. I didn’t help him get the job. He told me that he applied and didn’t need my help to get the job. We talked on social media a few times a year. Husband knew and never really said anything before. I get that he is uncomfortable with it which is why I asked for help. We have always had each other’s passwords and that has not changed. There are no feelings between ex and I. Getting another job just seems to me like a big ask when nothing is going on but maybe I should rethink that. Switching jobs is a huge change. I haven’t been dismissive of my husband’s feelings about this. It is the suspicious tone of questioning I don’t like. I’m not sure what boundaries I should talk to him about now that would make him feel better.


You dated and were engaged to this ex for a 3 year period.
You never broke up with him, still on good terms and have kept this guy as an orbiter for several years.
This gives a semblance that you still have feelings for this ex, he is in the background of your relationship with your husband and you are now working together.
All I`m saying is, this is how it looks and awfully suspect.
Personally, if this were my wife I wouldn`t trust her and I would be telling that guy to cease and desist from contacting my wife outside of work and also letting my wife know that I`m keeping watch on the situation.
To me being honest this stinks.


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## FakeNews001 (2 mo ago)

Vie-s said:


> You all agree that no contact and looking for a new job is what I should do?


I would minimize contact as much as possible. A new job might be too much.

Talk to your husband and tell him that you won't be communicating with your EX any longer. No social media exchanges, no work exchanges, unless it is absolutely called for by the job.


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## Vie-s (9 d ago)

I understand more now how this could look and I’m not trying to get myself in a situation. Maybe I have been too dismissive


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

If you aren’t able to quit all communication with him at your job - then look for a different company.
If you want to prioritize your marriage - you will choose one of these. Otherwise your husband will be wondering every day you work.that bound to take a toll on the happy parts of your marriage.


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## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

Whatever you wind up doing, DO NOT discuss with your ex the way your husband is feeling...

This is exactly how work place affairs get started...


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

Given that this you wanted to spend the rest of your life with your ex-fiance and you only broke off the engagement because he moved away (and now he's back), I can understand why your husband is concerned.

You mention Reddit. If you're familiar with posts on Reddit, you know that the situation you are describing often ends in disaster in Reddit posts.



Vie-s said:


> I talked to my ex about the job couple of times and he told me when he applied. Husband wasn’t excited about it but seemed fine. Since then it has just been getting worse.


Vie: "Honey, not only is my ex-fiance coming back to town but he's applying to work for my company, Big Industry."

Hubby: "Not really happy about that...."

_Then, a few weeks later:_

Vie: "You're not going to believe this, honey! Of all the jobs at Big Industry, the one my ex-fiance got just happens to be one of the only jobs that requires us to work together face-to-face three times a week. I mean, what are the odds?"

Hubby: "Now I'm very unhappy."


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

Zedd said:


> Similarly, in her friend group there was one guy that made me uncomfortable. I told her so, and she said he wasn't a problem - just part of the friend group. I didn't like it, but she'd know better than me. One night of drinking, dude made a move going for a feelsky thinking she was drunker than she was. She shut that **** down, told me about it, and cut him out of her life. I told her she handled it and didn't need to, and her answer was - no, dude tried getting me when he thought I was vulnerable. He's out.


Boundaries and trust, yes.
But besides words, both concepts get any significative meaning from facts.
She was right in what she did and in the way she did it. That´s what I call a boundary.
And trust..what about? You are lucky (you choosed the right lady) cos you can trust that she does precisely what she haves to do. That´s what I call meaningfull trust.
Congratulations for both.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Vie-s said:


> I am currently in Canada for a few days for work and just created this account to ask about this issue because Reddit is garbage. I live and work in US. I didn’t help him get the job. He told me that he applied and didn’t need my help to get the job. We talked on social media a few times a year. Husband knew and never really said anything before. I get that he is uncomfortable with it which is why I asked for help. We have always had each other’s passwords and that has not changed. There are no feelings between ex and I. Getting another job just seems to me like a big ask when nothing is going on but maybe I should rethink that. Switching jobs is a huge change. I haven’t been dismissive of my husband’s feelings about this. It is the suspicious tone of questioning I don’t like. I’m not sure what boundaries I should talk to him about now that would make him feel better.


To many an Ex means in the past, that means when split, you do not remain FB friends and talk periodically. That is not "in the past". Had my wife remained friends with her ex-hubby, I would not have stayed. To those of us that are very monogamous, that is same as leaving a door open, instead of closed and locked.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Vie-s said:


> He has always been respectful and knows I’m married. He hasn’t done anything that would make me think he has feelings for me still. If I found a better job then fine, I wouldn’t be upset. If it is at the point where I find a crappier job then that is going to bother me.


Did ex know where you worked? Had you mentioned possible job opportunities there with you?
He may have tried to get that job hardest due to you being there. 

That is another reason one does not remain friends with Ex, it allows them to collect info about you or your marriage, they should not be privy to.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Vie-s said:


> Do you guys think any male/female friendships are appropriate while married/in relationship or should it just be an automatic no?


Automatic No unless the spouse is also a close friend, but to communication that the spouse in not included in. Necessary text includes spouse, email is BCC to spouse.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

If I had to change job because of my partner's insecurities, I would be out of the door. In a flash.


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## MegaTbone (10 d ago)

Vie-s said:


> I understand more now how this could look and I’m not trying to get myself in a situation. Maybe I have been too dismissive


Good on you to at least try to see from your husband's perspective. Advice I was given a long time ago is my perspective is not someone else's reality.
Don't be dismissive, but there is only so much that can be done. The thing that makes this the problem with your husband is that you've kept in contact with this man, even if it is innocent, throughout the years. Due to today's technologies, there abundant ways people can have "affairs" and hide them in plain sight. I apologize as I mean no offense to you, but just be aware of your husband's concerns. There not going to magically ever go away. This will and already is a sore point in your relationship. Think this over carefully. Could be from your perspecrive, husband is overreacting and obsessing with the issue. Yet from his perspective, this is a man from *YOUR* past and he considers him a rival and challenge to your relationship with him and will not allow this to happen.
I've witnessed situations of this type with friends and in my own marriage. My wife is highly aware how i feel about any ex's. I met without wanting to, her only 2 previous lovers and have never forgotten that. I will not tolerate any one playing, or even making me feel in anyway that they want to play in my litter box!! I however do not control her. She makes friends and maintains friends as she wishes, only as long as she doesn't violate or push any boundaries we recognize.
Remember there is many a slip between a cup and its lip!


Vie-s said:


> What a nightmare


And this could be a.potential.scenario here. No one ever thinks it will, then it happens. Careful.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

In Absentia said:


> If I had to change job because of my partner's insecurities, I would be out of the door. In a flash.


Okay. But it's that "*had to*". Like your partner can dictate to you. 
How would it be if, on considering your partner's concerns, you *realised* that changing jobs might be for the best. Note: I don't think this applies to the OP's case. I'm making a more general comment.


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## Jakobs (6 mo ago)

jlg07 said:


> Shame that he never posted any resolution to this -- did he stay or go?


I don’t think he ever came back. Meaning he’s probably divorced now.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Laurentium said:


> Okay. But it's that "*had to*". Like your partner can dictate to you.
> How would it be if, on considering your partner's concerns, you *realised* that changing jobs might be for the best. Note: I don't think this applies to the OP's case. I'm making a more general comment.


It's very simple: I expect trust from my partner. If trust cannot be provided, it's not the right partner for me. The OP is doing nothing wrong and it's all down to her husband's insecurities. I would advise him to come and see you...


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## Jakobs (6 mo ago)

@Dormatte I’m not going to quote your response because I’d bring the internet to a standstill but please allow me to address the “control” and “isolation” bits because these are common narcissist tactics to convince the other person to give up on a fair and equitable request.

If a person asks, politely, another person he/she is emotionally and romantically invested in to avoid a third person for whatever reason, that is a boundary, *not controlling behavior*. We are in 2023. It is WELL understood that a romantic relationship is a type of relationship that requires mutual adherence and ending it requires only one of the person’s will. It is LITERALLY coded in the law books.

I would even go as far as to say that the people who claim “control” and “isolation” when confronted with a boundary ARE the ones with the control issues because in order for them to exercise their option they have to ensure the other person doesn’t exercise theirs (the requesting side desist on enforcing a boundary). Whereas the other person’s option can be exercised without preventing the other party from exercising theirs (meaning they can just end the relationship and start seeing the other person, which is how adults behave).

I hope my comment brings light to the “control” and “isolation” hogwash tactics because it is shamelessly thrown around A LOT.

It’s Game Theory 101.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> It's very simple: I expect trust from my partner. If trust cannot be provided, it's not the right partner for me. The OP is doing nothing wrong and it's all down to her husband's insecurities. I would advise him to come and see you...


The issue I would have with this situation is potentially the ex could spend as much or more time with my spouse during the day than I would. I realize that is the case with all coworkers, but the fact that it is an ex-fiancé would just set me off.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

BigDaddyNY said:


> The issue I would have with this situation is potentially the ex could spend as much or more time with my spouse during the day than I would. I realize that is the case with all coworkers, but the fact that it is an ex-fiancé would just set me off.


Yup. I'm not insecure or jealous at all but I am territorial.

It is a fabrication to imply that OP's husband is simply insecure. I'm positive @Vie-s works with other men and her husband had zero problems with that.

Keeping a good distance from exes is a healthy boundary in most marriages, mine as well.

One thing to note is that you and I are both in pretty long term, successful marriages along with many others that have similar boundaries.

Trying to label folks like us as unhealthy in some fashion (insecure) is blatantly ridiculous.

It's similar to the guy, whose wrists are thicker than his biceps, coming into the gym and telling guys that are benching 300 that they are weaker than him.😋


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> Keeping a good distance from exes is a healthy boundary in most marriages, mine as well.


Why is that? You don't trust your wife?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

BigDaddyNY said:


> but the fact that it is an ex-fiancé would just set me off.


Why would it set you off?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

In Absentia said:


> Why is that? You don't trust your wife?


I have never even implied that and you know it. 

Why don't you ask every long term, successful married member of TAM, who has the same boundaries, the same question?

We are obviously succeeding.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> I have never even implied that and you know it.
> 
> Why don't you ask every long term, successful married member of TAM, who has the same boundaries, the same question?
> 
> We are obviously succeeding.


Ok, why do you feel you are being "territorial"? I'm not trying to annoy you. I just can't relate and try to understand why people are not ok with their wives working with an ex.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

ConanHub said:


> Yup. I'm not insecure or jealous at all but I am territorial.
> 
> It is a fabrication to imply that OP's husband is simply insecure. I'm positive @Vie-s works with other men and her husband had zero problems with that.
> 
> ...


Reminds me when I was picking up the ex at the shops and she told me one of her male colleagues was walking with her from work to the food court. 

When I met up with him and he introduced himself I thought I was friendly... but later my ex told me that he thought I was going to rip his arms off. Well I WAS thinking it... just didn't think I was that obvious, oops 😅


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> Why would it set you off?


This is just my stream of thought, right or wrong.

It is the thought that there is a past sexual relationship with that person. They were in love. Engaged to get married which means on the verge of a lifetime commitment to each other. They've seen each other at their most vulnerable. They probably shared their deepest secrets, dreams and desires. And I'm supposed to be okay with them working side by side, day in and day out? I know it may not be the case with the OP, but my mind would be thinking they have the whole day together. To foster and possibly strengthen that connection, and I'm not talking about getting physically sexual. I simply shouldn't have to worry or compete with that. I don't want them to have any connection anymore, especially an emotional one. That is territory now reserved for me.

I trust my wife and know she has a past. She probably has fond memories of her past relationships that will always be with her, and that is fine by me. They shape her into who she is. However, with time they move further to the back of her mind and are replaced with our new memories. I don't want my wife to have a physically daily reminder of that past relationship that keeps refreshing those memories. And again, swinging back to OP, they split with no ill will mentioned. So there isn't even a semi-bad breakup memory to offset the fond memories. 

I have zero trust in the ex and the fact is, this is one of a very small group of men that figured out what it took to have sex with her. He has the ability to say and do things that can trigger a response in my wife that only a lover may know about. He knows her far too well for my comfort. In the case of OP's quite young marriage the ex may actually have more time under his belt with her than the husband. I don't want to be thinking about that all day and I don't want my wife to have to constantly be on the look out for his potential inappropriate behavior. I would expect her to shut it down, but why should she be put in the position where that may be necessary? I also don't want her to be constantly worrying about me worrying, lol. I know would never want to be working with an ex of mine. I don't even have any ex's that I had PIV sex with, but I would still feel completely uncomfortable being around them regularly without my wife around. 


There are just too many risk factors to ignore. One of my jobs is to preserve our marriage. In doing that job I feel like I would be negligent to just turn a blind eye to all those past connections. 

Our boundaries (remember this is all a two way street) are ours and we agree on them. As Conan said, they are part of the formula that has allowed us to have a very long, healthy marriage that is still running on all cylinders after 30+ years.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

BigDaddyNY said:


> This is just my stream of thought, right or wrong.
> 
> It is the thought that there is a past sexual relationship with that person. They were in love. Engaged to get married which means on the verge of a lifetime commitment to each other. They've seen each other at their most vulnerable. They probably shared their deepest secrets, dreams and desires. And I'm supposed to be okay with them working side by side, day in and day out? I know it may not be the case with the OP, but my mind would be thinking they have the whole day together. To foster and possibly strengthen that connection, and I'm not talking about getting physically sexual. I simply shouldn't have to worry or compete with that. I don't want them to have any connection anymore, especially an emotional one. That is territory now reserved for me.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the long reply. You see, in my marriage, we never had to set any boundaries, because we knew we could trust each other and we knew each other deeply. It all came natural. So, I'm always amazed when I hear this type of things. I would never dream of telling my wife she needs to change jobs because one of her exes works there. Or even imply it's dangerous because it would be tempting. It would be humiliating and disrespectful towards her, as a woman and human being. But we all have different approaches and I'm glad it works for you (and for Conan). Personally, I'm not that type of guy.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Vie-s said:


> Do you guys think any male/female friendships are appropriate while married/in relationship or should it just be an automatic no?


For the most part I don't believe there should be any one on one social/personal male/female friendships when in a committed relationship. My wife and I have opposite sex friends, but they are part of a couple that is friends with both of us. We have 2 or 3 couples that are very close friends. My wife is very good friends with the husbands and I with the wives. We even vacation together sometimes and have shared hotel rooms. We talk and joke about everything, even sometimes about our sex lives or something very personal like that, but it is ALWAYS while with our spouse. My wife would never meet up with one of the husbands solo without me or without his wife. Same with me and the wives. The closest to a one on one is when I've run into one of the wives in town and we grab a beer at the pub while waiting for one or both of our spouses to show up. 

Similar with coworkers and work friends. No issue with being friendly towards coworkers of the opposite sex while at work. But don't delve too deeply into personal topics and certainly don't discuss marital issues. And no one on one social interaction outside of work. No need for texting outside of work. No need for one on one lunch dates. It stays professional, unless the coworker has a SO and you strike up a couples' friendship.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> Thanks for the long reply. You see, in my marriage, we never had to set any boundaries, because we knew we could trust each other and we knew each other deeply. It all came natural. So, I'm always amazed when I hear this type of things. I would never dream of telling my wife she needs to change jobs because one of her exes works there. Or even imply it's dangerous because it would be tempting. It would be humiliating and disrespectful towards her, as a woman and human being. But we all have different approaches and I'm glad it works for you (and for Conan). Personally, I'm not that type of guy.


To be clear, we didn't sit down and write a set of boundary commandments at the start of our marriage. We married far too young to have the relationship knowledge required to come up with something like that. Like you, it just all came naturally. As scenarios came up over the years we would discuss them and kind of codify them. For example. Many years ago circumstances at work for my wife resulted in a group lunch ending up being a one on one lunch with a male coworker. They had their lunch and nothing inappropriate happened, but my wife felt like it wasn't appropriate, so she told him they couldn't ever do that again, it was too awkward. She told me about it, and we agreed that was a good boundary to have, for both of us. Another was when I was talking via Facebook messenger with a woman I was very close to prior to meeting my wife. She was more like a big sister when I was very young, but I crushed on her when I was a teen and my wife knew about it. My wife was actually a HS friend of hers. At first my wife asked me to unfriend and block her. We discussed it and agreed that I just wouldn't communicate with her outside of public comments on FB. That became another boundary for us, no one on one comms with someone of the opposite sex. 

You shouldn't have to tell her she needs to change jobs. I think she should recognize the awkwardness of that situation on her own as soon as she knows about it. That should immediately result in a discussion with you to find out where your thoughts and feelings are about it. Then you come to agreement on it. I think it would be a very bad idea for an ex to be working with her, but I also recognize there could be a scenario where finding another job isn't an option. In that case you establish boundaries short of changing jobs.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

BigDaddyNY said:


> You shouldn't have to tell her she needs to change jobs. I think she should recognize the awkwardness of that situation on her own as soon as she knows about it.


You see, my wife wouldn't come to me to tell me all this stuff about her ex working there, because there would be no need. I think the difference lies there. And this is why I don't understand the fears, the necessity to set boundaries and all this stuff that - to me - makes a marriage feel like a prison. But for some it's the recipe to success. And that's fine with me too.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> You see, my wife wouldn't come to me to tell me all this stuff about her ex working there, because there would be no need. I think the difference lies there. And this is why I don't understand the fears, the necessity to set boundaries and all this stuff that - to me - makes a marriage feel like a prison. But for some it's the recipe to success. And that's fine with me too.


If your wife had an ex-fiancé that started working with her and they saw each other every day you wouldn't find it odd for her not to mention it?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

BigDaddyNY said:


> If your wife had an ex-fiancé that started working with her and they saw each other every day you wouldn't find it odd for her not to mention it?


No, because we don't (we didn't) have that type of relationship. It would be irrelevant.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> No, because we don't (we didn't) have that type of relationship. It would be irrelevant.


That sounds utterly ridiculous to me. Having an ex-fiancé start working with you daily would be big news, no? It just wouldn't even come up in conversation? I hear about any new person that my wife starts working with. What would you guys talk about?


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> For the most part I don't believe there should be any one on one social/personal male/female friendships when in a committed relationship. My wife and I have opposite sex friends, but they are part of a couple that is friends with both of us. We have 2 or 3 couples that are very close friends. My wife is very good friends with the husbands and I with the wives. We even vacation together sometimes and have shared hotel rooms. We talk and joke about everything, even sometimes about our sex lives or something very personal like that, but it is ALWAYS while with our spouse. My wife would never meet up with one of the husbands solo without me or without his wife. Same with me and the wives. The closest to a one on one is when I've run into one of the wives in town and we grab a beer at the pub while waiting for one or both of our spouses to show up.
> 
> Similar with coworkers and work friends. No issue with being friendly towards coworkers of the opposite sex while at work. But don't delve too deeply into personal topics and certainly don't discuss marital issues. And no one on one social interaction outside of work. No need for texting outside of work. No need for one on one lunch dates. It stays professional, unless the coworker has a SO and you strike up a couples' friendship.


Quoted for truth!

Emphasis on "close, personal, one on one". Those are off-limits, at least as far as non-relatives go.

From a religious (Christian) standpoint, couples are encouraged to 'guard their marriage' by never being in an alone-with-the-opposite-sex situation in the first place. That's a bit extreme and anyone could shoot holes in it, but the right principle is spot on.


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## DamianDamian (Aug 14, 2019)

Rob_1 said:


> Although as a male I can understand, some of the responses here, mostly by other males, they are extreme and show deep insecurities.
> 
> She doesn't has to leave her job, uproot her life, all because her ex came to work at her place of employment and they have to interact. Her husband either trust her or not. That's his cross to bear.
> 
> ...


You're putting it all on the husband and it isn't right or fair. He has very common boundaries and you're labeling him things like "mistrustful" "irrational" "jealous". That's not on. It's manipulative and downright abusive.
Misplaced "You're controlling/insecure!" is one of the biggest red flags out there. Shows complete ignorance of boundaries and a lack or respect.

A lot of people would feel like he does, it's normal. A respectful wife would not have brushed him off the way she has. It's a very common thing for most people to not want their husband/wife to have regular contact with an ex, especially an ex they were engaged to and ended on good terms with. 

He's not irrational, jealous or mistrustful, if anything he's being a doormat.


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## DamianDamian (Aug 14, 2019)

Your husband should start up a friendship with an ex. Or if that's impossible, maybe find a woman he's attracted to that he feels could be a suitable partner for him and strike up a friendship with her. They can hang out one on one a few days a week, things like lunch and movies, walks. He can keep most of what they do to himself, and discuss personal things, like your relationship with her. 
See how that makes you feel. Personally I don't believe you deserve to be married, another selfish narcissistic zombie.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

DamianDamian said:


> You're putting it all on the husband and it isn't right or fair.


No, I am not. Read my other posts. What is a matter of fact is that the husband is not comfortable with the situation (understandable), nonetheless, that does not negate that he is the one showing mistrust. And my friend, where there is not trust, there cannot be a relationship. OP has done nothing to warrant putting the onerous on her. She has been transparent, and up and up with him. If should be up to her from her own accord to make the necessary decisions that she wishes to do in order to appease her husband's concerns. It should not be a forced concession. That's what is not fair.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

BigDaddyNY said:


> *That sounds utterly ridiculous to me*. Having an ex-fiancé start working with you daily would be big news, no? It just wouldn't even come up in conversation? I hear about any new person that my wife starts working with. What would you guys talk about?


Maybe to you. We almost never talked about work at home. Too busy with kids and life. And in a situation like the OP, there would be no need to mention such a thing. It seems that we live in two different parallel universes and that's why I don't get it. You either trust your wife or you don't. There are no half measures in trust.


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## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> Ok, why do you feel you are being "territorial"? I'm not trying to annoy you. I just can't relate and try to understand why people are not ok with their wives working with an ex.


Honestly, if you have to ask this question, no matter how it's worded you won't get it


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## DamianDamian (Aug 14, 2019)

In Absentia said:


> Maybe to you. We almost never talked about work at home. Too busy with kids and life. And in a situation like the OP, there would be no need to mention such a thing. It seems that we live in two different parallel universes and that's why I don't get it. You either trust your wife or you don't. There are no half measures in trust.


You don't trust your partner 100% purely because they are your husband/wife. You trust them based on their ACTIONS. This whole ridiculous 'argument' "don't you trust me/them" is stupid and has no basis in reality. 

If your wife forgets to put her seatbelt on "Oh doesn't matter, I trust her." Lol

Statistics show that most affairs start innocently, no intentions and through poor boundaries. Most infidels don't go looking for an affair.

This aside, I just don't want my wife having a regular close relationship with an ex. Just makes my skin crawl. I wouldn't have a friendship with an ex because I'd feel guilty and bad about it. It's not something I need and I'd question what someone gets out of it, attention or otherwise. 

You wouldn't even talk with your wife if one of you started working with an ex? I don't think anyone here hearing this will be envious of your marriage then - so why are you giving advice? 
Are you aware that you're strange? Because not talking about something like that is VERY strange.

Next you'll tell us you're polygamous.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

DamianDamian said:


> You don't trust your partner 100% purely because they are your husband/wife. You trust them based on their ACTIONS. This whole ridiculous 'argument' "don't you trust me/them" is stupid and has no basis in reality.
> 
> If your wife forgets to put her seatbelt on "Oh doesn't matter, I trust her." Lol
> 
> ...


Oh, I think _you_ are strange. If you want to live in your hell life, you are welcome to it. Regarding me giving advice, please mind your own business. Thanks.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Jimi007 said:


> Honestly, if you have to ask this question, no matter how it's worded you won't get it


I feel sorry for humanity.


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## DamianDamian (Aug 14, 2019)

Rob_1 said:


> No, I am not. Read my other posts. What is a matter of fact is that the husband is not comfortable with the situation (understandable), nonetheless, that does not negate that he is the one showing mistrust. And my friend, where there is not trust, there cannot be a relationship. OP has done nothing to warrant putting the onerous on her. She has been transparent, and up and up with him. If should be up to her from her own accord to make the necessary decisions that she wishes to do in order to appease her husband's concerns. It should not be a forced concession. That's what is not fair.


I disagree, I think if the wife called him mistrustful here it would be manipulation and abuse. Most people would have a problem with this situation and looking through this thread you're outnumbered hugely. Her behavior is not on. Focusing in on the 'trust' word is a huge red flag to me, that's not what this is about. It's about RESPECT. 
Trust actions, not people.


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## DamianDamian (Aug 14, 2019)

In Absentia said:


> Oh, I think _you_ are strange. If you want to live in your hell life, you are welcome to it. Regarding me giving advice, please mind your own business. Thanks.


You wouldn't discuss with your wife if either of you started working with an ex? AITA for calling that strange? Is that even a marriage? If I cannot call out this behavior accurately, then what is the value of these forums? 
Are you a Troll?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

DamianDamian said:


> You wouldn't discuss with your wife if either of you started working with an ex? AITA for calling that strange? Is that even a marriage? If I cannot call out this behavior accurately, then what is the value of these forums?
> *Are you a Troll?*


After nearly 8,000 posts, I don't think so... lol... Look, I will tell you something obvious: people have different views. What you call "strange" is not "strange" to other people. We decided to live our life in a certain way. You can call it strange. I prefer it to setting boundaries and thinking that my wife is going to cheat any minute. If she does, she is out of the door. You can't stop people cheating, if they want to. I offer my views. You offer yours. I would never call you "strange" for your views or way of life, though. This is the difference. Have a good evening!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I personally don't think occasionally (like once a year, or a quick sorry for your loss or whatever) with someone you once had a relationship with is inherently a red flag, if that is all it is. I also don't think working with person is one either. What I would say is you need to be empathetic to your husbands concerns and tread lightly. I don't think you have to quit your job but both of you will probably be dealing with some insecurity about this.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> Maybe to you. We* almost never talked about work at home*. Too busy with kids and life. And in a situation like the OP, there would be no need to mention such a thing. It seems that we live in two different parallel universes and that's why I don't get it. You either trust your wife or you don't. There are no half measures in trust.


I get that, but this isn't any run of the mill event. It would certainly fall under the life part of "kids and life". I'm baffled that when the guy your wife slept with for maybe a few years and asked her to marry him, a HUGE event in her life, suddenly starts working with her that at dinner or something she wouldn't say, "hey honey, guess who started working with me today." It should at least rise to the level of small talk. This is basic interaction between spouses. If you were so busy that something that significant doesn't get discussed I feel like there was a lot missing from your day to day interaction and may partly explain the failure of your marriage. 

I think the way the OP went about bringing it up is exactly what I would expect between two spouses that respect each other. I definitely think she got that part right. Her husband didn't though. It is now obvious that it bothered him, but I guess he was trying to be the nice guy, the progressive man, when he should have been speaking his mind openly and honestly. 

BTW, I trust my wife more than anyone on this planet to do the right thing, probably more than myself even.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Amanhasnoname said:


> Hi Vie,
> I'm just curious, how do you know he has no feelings for you?


Why does it matter though. Fidelity shouldn't be based on anything else but your own personal character. OP just needs to maintain healthy boundaries to the point that she is not close enough for it to even come up.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I get that, but this isn't any run of the mill event. It would certainly fall under the life part of "kids and life". I'm baffled that when the guy your wife slept with for maybe a few years and asked her to marry him, a HUGE event in her life, suddenly starts working with her that at dinner or something she wouldn't say, "hey honey, guess who started working with me today." It should at least rise to the level of small talk. This is basic interaction between spouses. If you were so busy that something that significant doesn't get discussed I feel like there was a lot missing from your day to day interaction and may partly explain the failure of your marriage.
> 
> I think the way the OP went about bringing it up is exactly what I would expect between two spouses that respect each other. I definitely think she got that part right. Her husband didn't though. It is now obvious that it bothered him, but I guess he was trying to be the nice guy, the progressive man, when he should have been speaking his mind openly and honestly.
> 
> BTW, I trust my wife more than anyone on this planet to do the right thing, probably more than myself even.


I get what you say. But we don't operate like that. Or, didn't, since we are not together any more. And no, she didn't cheat with her ex...


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Vie-s said:


> Do you guys think any male/female friendships are appropriate while married/in relationship or should it just be an automatic no?


I think they are fine but you need healthy boundaries. You shouldn't talk about anything that you wouldn't with your spouse around and your spouse should be a part of the relationship at the very least informed about it, and what's going on. I personally will not go out alone with someone of the opposite sex, but groups are fine but even that doesn't necessarily have to be a red flag.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

In Absentia said:


> It's very simple: I expect trust from my partner. If trust cannot be provided, it's not the right partner for me. The OP is doing nothing wrong and it's all down to her husband's insecurities. I would advise him to come and see you...


Relationships require grace though. Your spouse may be insecure at times, or lazy, or whatever it is. There are times to put your foot down but there are also times to offer grace and compromise particularly if there is no malice involved. Seems to me she may be able to just be empathetic and communicate more and ease his fears a little and that would be best for both of them.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

OP just the fact that you wrote this post is a good sign. I say talk to your spouse, offer some boundaries around this guy and explain why you think they are important so that he sees where your priorities lie. Let him have input, but once agreed make sure to follow them because he will be paying attention. I would suspect that you should start with making sure your interaction with your ex is not too familiar anymore, cordial but not intimate and occasional. Like a typical person at work. Yes you have a history but that is all it is history, even if to some extent you have warm feelings about this person. There is nothing to say that two healthy adults can't maintain that but also have strong boundaries in place to keep it in the past.

Try to be reasonably empathetic as people are protective of their relationships and he is really reliant on you for this as he can't make you do something you don't want to. But your post here shows your priorities are the same as his so make that obvious. This should be something you guys can deal with.


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

Hi vie-s.

Hope you are okay with everything that is going on.

l have to agree that I do think you may have been slightly (only slightly) dismissive of the current situation that you find yourself in and I am taking your comment at face value.

Don’t think that is a bad thing as (assuming you were not being sarcastic) I am sure it will help you in how you talk to your husband.

When do you get home, how are you going to approach the conversation that you will hopefully have? Personally, I don’t think it needs to be drama, drama, and yet more drama. If it was me, I would not dive in as soon as you return home and would maybe say that your time away has given you time to think, to recognise your husband’s concerns and that it may help to talk things through so that BOTH parties’ needs are met.

I don’t think this is going to be a quick process and outside help/counselling may be something you may wish to consider.

In the interim, please do not doubt yourself or your husband - you both are the victims of circumstance here, although I do sincerely doubt the intentions of your ex. Please do not make any hasty decisions about your job and please do not raise any issues with your ex, in fact give him as wide a berth as possible.

Finally, we all seem to be going around in circles now. I hope you are happy you came on to the forum to get a range of advice and views from people who do actually care. However, maybe, you should take a break, digest a lot of the very good advice on here and talk to your husband, rather than strangers on the Internet.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

In Absentia said:


> It seems that we live in two different parallel universes and that's why I don't get it.


Indeed! Other people's worlds can seem very strange. You can see that many people find your view strange. 



> You either trust your wife or you don't. There are no half measures in trust.


Part of my viewpoint may be because of the job I do and the things I hear. 

I don't agree about "no half measures", by which I mean, if I'm a passenger on a commercial air flight, I'll trust the pilot to fly the plane, but it doesn't mean I'd buy a used car from him. It's domain-specific, for me. 

And basically, the reason I wouldn't 100% trust a partner (hypothetically, I'm currently single) is because I don't even 100% trust *myself*. I've seen some of the stupid things I've done. I need to set limits on myself. (This is what _boundaries_ are for.) The truth would be, I'd say to my partner, _"I know you don't intend to cheat. But there could be a bad day when your hormones are at the horniness peak of the month, we'd had a bad argument, and you'd had a few drinks. If your ex ran into you on that hypothetical day, I don't feel 100% sure it'd be OK. This is not an insult, it applies to almost every human being."_

Part of the problem comes from people having the illusion that they have 100% conscious control over their own actions. I no longer see myself that way.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Laurentium said:


> Indeed! Other people's worlds can seem very strange. You can see that many people find your view strange.
> 
> 
> Part of my viewpoint may be because of the job I do and the things I hear.
> ...


I'm saving this post. It is spot on as far as I'm concerned.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Vie-s said:


> I understand more now how this could look and I’m not trying to get myself in a situation. Maybe I have been too dismissive


For the sake of your relationship with your husband, this is an area in which you have to compromise and accept his boundaries. I agree with prior poster that the nature of your breakup is such that he could, in fact, be an "orbiter" and the way these things start, how they get out of hand, is you're having some issues with your marriage and you go to a close friend for advice. Your ex. At the time that happens, it seems like a perfectly normal thing to do. After all, who knows you better, right? But it's an emotional trap.

In my case, my ex knows the boundaries and in fact, she once sent a text about some work we did for her, with a heart symbol. I told her I felt that was inappropriate. Felt funny doing so; she didn't mean anything by it, but we have to not only understand the need and create boundaries, we also have to enforce them, especially upon ourselves.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

DamianDamian said:


> and looking through this thread you're outnumbered hugely.


Just in case you haven't had the wit to realize it, where do you think we are discussing this? isn't this a site where a lot of people that have been cheated, and are biased against anything that remotely resembles a possible cheating situation post their opinion? Not all the world has this type of views, you know. So to put it in perspective, yes of course I'm outnumbered, why don't you think that this is not surprise at all?

Nonetheless, you can opine in any way way you think, and I will do the same. Her behavior as you put it, has been one of transparency and trying to make sense as to how to proceed, which is the reason why she's here asking for input, isn't she? but, then immediately we have all those that jump to conclusions, and she's being send to the gallops by posters like yourself. I think that some of you should get a grip. No all humanity will jump to a cheating situation just because an ex is there.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

DamianDamian said:


> You wouldn't discuss with your wife if either of you started working with an ex? AITA for calling that strange? Is that even a marriage? If I cannot call out this behavior accurately, then what is the value of these forums?
> Are you a Troll?


He isn't but I find his marriage advice mostly terrible.

It's not a sin to be wrong though so I don't think he has any malicious intent.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> He isn't but I find his marriage advice mostly terrible.
> 
> It's not a sin to be wrong though so I don't think he has any malicious intent.


You know I read this forum, right?  At least I keep my personal opinions on you... personal.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Laurentium said:


> And basically, the reason I wouldn't 100% trust a partner (hypothetically, I'm currently single) is because I don't even 100% trust *myself*. I've seen some of the stupid things I've done.


The trick is not to do stupid things...


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

In Absentia said:


> Ok, why do you feel you are being "territorial"? I'm not trying to annoy you. I just can't relate and try to understand why people are not ok with their wives working with an ex.


Well I've always been territorial by nature. It's built in.

Mrs. Conan is moreso than me.

There is a lot that doesn't bother me at all to be clear.

If the situation were of a certain nature and somehow an ex of Mrs. Conan's was in our lives but we all got on and there was no hard feelings?

I probably wouldn't have a problem with them in the same workplace.

The OP has a bit of a different situation though.

The only reason they didn't marry was because of job opportunities and moving states.

I wouldn't have wanted her to keep to close to him on social media and definitely not be discussing anything personal with him.

Her ex only knew about the job where she worked because of her level of relationship with her ex and helped himself to her workplace.

She then increases her interaction with him on social media and she has to interact with him several times a week, face to face.

Depending on the situation, I might not actually feel my feathers ruffled but I can certainly see where @Vie-s husband is uncomfortable with it.

Plus their marriage is still pretty new. I was far more territorial towards the earlier parts of my relationship with my wife.

I am very sensitive to men trying to encroach on my territory even though I really do trust my wife. She has exhibited nothing but integrity and loyalty for our entire relationship when it comes to fidelity.

The only way I can explain it is that it's primal. I require my territory to be respected by others.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

In Absentia said:


> You know I read this forum, right?  At least I keep my personal opinions on you... personal.


LoL! I'm not taking a shot.🙂

That's just this barbarian's opinion.

I've seldom agreed with you about any marriage issue and that's just history.

We're both free to heartily disagree.

And you did imply that I don't trust my wife because of keeping a healthy distance from exes.

That might mean you don't trust your wife but trusting Mrs. C has nothing to do with maintaining good boundaries in our life.


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> The trick is not to do stupid things...


Easier said than done


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> LoL! I'm not taking a shot.🙂
> 
> That's just this barbarian's opinion.
> 
> ...


😊


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I've been in a similar position. Can I ask, are you and the ex in a niche job? In other words, are there limited places he could go to use the skills he has? Did you two work together before in the same industry? 

Do you have reason to think he just applied there because you were there? How long has he known you were working at this place? Like did he go 2 years and not try to follow you there until year 3? Were you out of contact for those 2 years and then started communicating on social media so that he might have gotten stirred up and motivated to pursue you again? 

I have been in both type positions, really. I was in a niche industry, an industry I wasn't about to give up for anyone or any reason. At the time I was exiting a company who filed bankruptcy and the logical place for me to go was their rival -- where a serious ex-bf worked, a serious ex-bf I was very angry at and hurt by. I applied there DESPITE him being there. He worked at headquarters. I applied to be in retail so wouldn't be working with him. I did warn him beforehand to be sure he wasn't vehemently opposed. I applied with the owner. The owner ended up asking me to work there in headquarters for long enough to set up a new buying/inventory system. That was a miserable 3 weeks for me -- and as it happened, one of the buyers went in the hospital and I was asked to stay a bit longer to fill in. And then my ex asked the owner to keep me perpetually. I was there 10+ years.

I did have feelings, which I squelched because my career was more important to me than him or my feelings. It did cause problems with who became his second wife, but then she was a psycho felony waiting to happen that ended in disaster anyway. 

After 10 years, I was gone from there about 3 years later, I ended up working in a job where I traveled. By that time he was also gone from that company and working in Chicago in the industry there. My biggest client was where I often traveled to within my state. And one day the ex applied for a job at my biggest client and got it. I had fresh reason to be angry with him, so that really shook me up. I remember getting "the lunch" over with and being so nervous. We were not communicating in the interim. 

So my question about whether your industry is a niche industry is relevant. Whether he followed you there for business or personal reasons is relevant. Whether you told him about the job is relevant. Whether either of you still have feelings is relevant, although even though I still had (turbulent) feelings, I gathered the discipline to work through them while at work. But it was tough. 

I can tell you that although no one made a fuss with me (I was single and everyone knew my career was my goal in life) I'm sure it bothered a couple people. 

It would bother me in reverse. 

I still know my ex-bf. I haven't slept with him since 1979, though. Our paths were always going to cross because we were on a parallel path. I'm really not sure why he applied for that job at my client's though, because it wasn't a great place to work and he knew it. I've never asked him. He's never brought it up.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Vie,

On thing you have not mentioned is if your H has been cheated on in prior relationships, if so you have a larger issue, if the circumstances behind the cheating were similar it magnifies it even more.

You are both young enough and possibly without children so he may be weighing leaving you while it is still easier, particularly if he sees history as repeating.

This is something he might never have mentioned to you as he feels ashamed because of it.


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## leftfield (Mar 29, 2016)

Vie, 

If I was placed in your husbands situation, I would not ask you to chose between me and your job. I would decide what I was comfortable with. You would be single and free to pursue whatever you wanted.

I also would not be having conversations and/or discussing boundaries. I already know my boundaries. Luckily for you, your husband's is not ready to enforce his boundaries.


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## avgwarhawk (27 d ago)

Vie-s said:


> I mean face to face talk to each other for work. There are also text/emails during the week too. There really hasn’t been anymore personal social media contact since he started working here.


Yet.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

leftfield said:


> Vie,
> 
> If I was placed in your husbands situation, I would not ask you to chose between me and your job. I would decide what I was comfortable with. You would be single and free to pursue whatever you wanted.
> 
> I also would not be having conversations and/or discussing boundaries. I already know my boundaries. Luckily for you, your husband's is not ready to enforce his boundaries.


He has some responsibility here. He never solidly outlined his boundaries and was too passive about what he needed from her.


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## avgwarhawk (27 d ago)

Vie-s said:


> I talked to my ex about the job couple of times and he told me when he applied. Husband wasn’t excited about it but seemed fine. Since then it has just been getting worse.


Your husband was not fine with it at that time.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

In general, I think it depends on the relationship between the exes, though. People who find their niche are going to likely be seeing their exes somewhere. I have worked with actually a few exes, but only two serious ones (and the other I didn't work with but he visited where I worked as they were his client). The others just weren't an issue either way. Because it wasn't serious. It was friendly and good natured and everyone knew everyone else. So there are a lot of variables. 

I think making a blanket statement that one is not okay with a spouse working with any type of ex (now, an ex-spouse is a BIG ex and worrisome under nearly any circumstances) is insecurity or not having listened to and tried to understand the history of the terminated relationship. In my situation with my ex-bf, more people thought I was working there to take his job than because I wanted him back. Neither was true. I did what I had to do for my career. 

People break up for a reason. They may still be tempted sexually. There often is still emotions on one or both ends, but not always. Sometimes it's just "He was a good guy and we're just friendly acquaintances now. It just didn't have enough fuel to last." or "Then I met the right one and now I just don't care."

Another situation I was in, guy I lived with and/or next to (because he wanted to live together and followed me and moved right next door and then always stayed at my place) was in the middle of divorce, had a woman client who had been aggressively pursuing him out of state where he travelled to on business with her. He had told me that when we were working together and were friends and he was still married. My opinion of her was very bad. Then when he and his wife filed for divorce, he came after me. He made a point of calling the woman chasing him in front of me to tell her he was going to be with me. I just thought it was weird at the time and unnecessary. I had already told him no to living together. My heart wasn't in it. But yeah, I found out about 20 years later he was indeed cheating with her on me and he married her as soon as I broke up with him (for an unrelated reason). I was relieved to be out of it by then except it was a friend loss, a pretty good friend loss. Still, I was floored that he was so adamant about being with me, and we had a good friendship before, and would do that. I had a decent social life going into that and people shut it down out of respect for him and me, so I lost a lot in that deal. 

The other thing you have to take into consideration when an ex comes into your workplace is how well do you know them or whoever they are involved with now. Because if they do something bad, it will reflect on you.


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## avgwarhawk (27 d ago)

Vie-s said:


> Do you guys think any male/female friendships are appropriate while married/in relationship or should it just be an automatic no?


Sure, there can be appropriate male/female friendships. However, not with an X. They are called an X for a reason and need to be out of ones life for good.


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

Laurentium said:


> Indeed! Other people's worlds can seem very strange. You can see that many people find your view strange.
> 
> 
> Part of my viewpoint may be because of the job I do and the things I hear.
> ...


This


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

ConanHub said:


> I have never even implied that and you know it.
> 
> Why don't you ask every long term, successful married member of TAM, who has the same boundaries, the same question?
> 
> We are obviously succeeding.


In all good marriages that I have seen, each spouse self-regulates and enforces boundaries that they KNOW the other spouse wants and is comfortable with. My wife doesn't HAVE to tell me to be careful around other women -- I do that naturally (and she does the same with men).

ETA: It really comes down this -- don't put yourself in a position to be tempted (We ALL can be tempted and fail). Someone who is a ex has already proven that at least at one time, the spouse was attracted to them...


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## Vie-s (9 d ago)

I talked to my husband and I’m going to take a step back from my relationship with my ex and keep an eye out for job openings, so I’ll see what happens.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Vie-s said:


> I talked to my husband and I’m going to take a step back from my relationship with my ex and keep an eye out for job openings, so I’ll see what happens.


Outstanding!
Block him on your Social Media as well if you hadn't already.


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## QuietGuy (Aug 31, 2021)

That sounds like a reasonable plan to me. Hopefully your hubby will feel more secure.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Vie-s said:


> I talked to my husband and I’m going to take a step back from my relationship with my ex and keep an eye out for job openings, so I’ll see what happens.


Smart. Well done.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Vie-s said:


> I talked to my husband and I’m going to take a step back from my relationship with my ex and keep an eye out for job openings, so I’ll see what happens.


You're pretty cool Vie. I like your character and since you value your marriage, I do as well.

Have a great 2023.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

One other suggestion -- since you DO currently have to work with him, keep ALL of your conversations strictly about work -- nothing personal any more....


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

Vie-s said:


> I talked to my husband and I’m going to take a step back from my relationship with my ex and keep an eye out for job openings, so I’ll see what happens.


That is a good result. However, for me, it is just the start of the process.

You have already made the mistake of thinking everything was fine when it was patently not. Please don’t make that mistake here again and keep putting in the work to ensure your marriage prospers.

If you haven’t done so already, I think it would be wise to define what taking a step back means with your husband and agree boundaries with him as well. I also think a periodic, honest “health check” with your husband on how he is feeling would be very positive to avoid anything potentially festering away.

I would also consider how you talk to your husband about your daily contact with your ex. If you are anything like me and my wife, we used to talk about our work day and our colleagues every day, it is just natural. I think the worse thing that can happen is your ex’s name never comes up again when you obviously work closely with your ex.

Are there likely to be any potential business trips or work related socialising which may involve your ex?

Personally, I am delighted you spoke with your husband and I think everyone here is very pleased for you both but please do not get complacent. I do think he is going to need regular reassurance but the positive attitude both of you have shown towards your marriage has been quite heartening. 

Great first steps and good luck. Wouldn’t mind an update in 3 months.


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## FakeNews001 (2 mo ago)

Vie-s said:


> I talked to my husband and I’m going to take a step back from my relationship with my ex and keep an eye out for job openings, so I’ll see what happens.


Instead of a step back, I would suggest running in the opposite direction and completely cutting the ex off. Just do it and preserve your marriage.


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## moon7 (May 5, 2013)

Its such a coincidence this man came back from another state out of nowhere and started working where you work.

Add the internet contact.

I would be suspicious too at your husband's place. VERY! Suspicious of what you both talk online and suspicious of his motives to come back, to work there. Suspicious of your motives for faking that everything is ok whem it's clearly NOT (you coming here shows you know for a fact stuff aren't going well).

It's too much of a coincidence him coming work there to be random. It's not random.

Chose your priorities and take responsability for their outcome.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Vie-s said:


> I talked to my husband and I’m going to take a step back from my relationship with my ex and keep an eye out for job openings, so I’ll see what happens.


History repeats itself, it seems.


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

Vie-s said:


> I talked to my husband and I’m going to take a step back from my relationship with my ex and keep an eye out for job openings, so I’ll see what happens.


Getting a job elsewhere is a step in the right direction.

Taking "a step back" accomplishes nothing but delaying the inevitable. Taking a step back is not a hard boundary / cutting your ex out of your life. There isn't a way where you will get it both ways - to keep your ex and your husband.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Vie-s said:


> I talked to my husband and I’m going to take a step back from my relationship with my ex and keep an eye out for job openings, so I’ll see what happens.


I'm really glad to hear this. I think it says a lot about the quality person you are that you came here for advice, took it to heart and talked to your husband.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I'm really glad to hear this. I think it says a lot about the quality person you are that you came here for advice, took it to heart and talked to your husband.


The thing I noticed is the OP said "step back from my relationship with my ex". That, in itself, raises questions that she has a relationship with him. She is doing the right thing.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Numb26 said:


> That, in itself, raises questions that she has a relationship with him


I kind of figured OP was minimizing that aspect.
But kudos for listening and taking steps.


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## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

Numb26 said:


> The thing I noticed is the OP said "step back from my relationship with my ex". That, in itself, raises questions that she has a relationship with him. She is doing the right thing.


I wondered about that as well, but figured it could just be an unfortunate turn of phrase. OP, best to avoid using a word like "relationship" when referring to your ex. Glad you took action.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

If you cut off the relationship with your ex beyond necessary work your husband might eventually feel better about your current job, especially since you've indicated you would look elsewhere.

You shouldn't have had any kind of relationship with your ex.

Did you ask your hb what happens if your ex comes to another company where you work? Will it always be necessary for you to leave jobs?


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Vie-s said:


> I talked to my husband and I’m going to take a step back from my relationship with my ex and keep an eye out for job openings, so I’ll see what happens.


Do you feel like you might want to sleep with him again someday? Did you guys have any physical encounters AFTER you broke off your engagement?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

In Absentia said:


> If I had to change job because of my partner's insecurities, I would be out of the door. In a flash.


If I felt my partner was being categorically dismissive of my concerns surrounding an Ex, likewise, I would be out the door.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Laurentium said:


> Indeed! Other people's worlds can seem very strange. You can see that many people find your view strange.
> 
> 
> Part of my viewpoint may be because of the job I do and the things I hear.
> ...


This touches on why exes are so dangerous to relationships. The normal social and interpersonal barriers that naturally slow the progression of a relationship with a new person have already been crossed with an ex. Nervousness, anxiety, lack of familiarity...with an ex, the intimate personal conversations, nakedness and sex has already been had. An ex is already starting out several steps ahead. They already have an established inside track, especially when the breakup was friendly.

Now, that is not saying that it is inevitable that things will always go sideways with an ex. It just means that there are far fewer innate barriers slowing it down, and a person much be consciously aware and more vigilant.

Which leads to another thing many people tend to do...they place far too much trust in the default relationship armour that marriage provides. They think that because they are married or in a relationship, that somehow by default provides a level of protection, they take it completely for granted, and it lulls them into a false sense of security.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> If I felt my partner was being categorically dismissive of my concerns surrounding an Ex, likewise, I would be out the door.


They are not "concerns", though, are they?


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Vie-s said:


> I talked to my husband and I’m going to take a step back from my relationship with my ex and keep an eye out for job openings, so I’ll see what happens.


If you are now agreeing to taking a step back from your relationship with your ex, then you are now also admitting that your relationship with your ex was more than the minimum required because he works at your company. Thus you either were downplaying your relationship with the ex, or are agreeing to no major change to your relationship with your ex since it is already at a minimum.

You are saying what you need to calm your husband down with no verifiable action being promised by you. If you listen you will soon be hearing that your husband is still rightfully concerned about your relationship with your ex. The question is do you really care?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

In Absentia said:


> They are not "concerns", though, are they?


That's the thing. I get to define for myself what a "concern" is. Nobody else, including my partner gets to define that for me.

You talk a lot about "trust" but part of trust in a relationship is accepting at face value that when a partner says they have a "concern", they actually do have a concern, even if it is something that would not be a "concern" to the other partner. If my wife says something is bothering her, I trust that something is actually bothering her. I don't weigh it against whether it is something that would bother me or not. I trust her to know how she is feeling for herself.

When she expresses a "concern", my default position is not one of defensiveness and dismissiveness and an assumption that she is trying to control me. My default position is to believe her and to believe that she has the best of intentions towards me and our marriage.

Part of being in a marriage is knowing that my partner has my back and trusting that she will see things that I may not see. I would submit that being dismissive of a partners concerns when they raise them is actually a huge sign of mistrust in the partner.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Vie-s said:


> I understand that my husband is bothered by this to an extent. I don’t think there is anything I can do at work to have less contact with him.


 I just thought to remind you that you have been claiming that you could not have less contact with your ex than you do now. Again, your promise to step back is meaningless.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> That's the thing. I get to define for myself what a "concern" is. Nobody else, including my partner gets to define that for me.
> 
> You talk a lot about "trust" but part of trust in a relationship is accepting at face value that when a partner says they have a "concern", they actually do have a concern, even if it is something that would not be a "concern" to the other partner. If my wife says something is bothering her, I trust that something is actually bothering her. I don't weigh it against whether it is something that would bother me or not. I trust her to know how she is feeling for herself.
> 
> ...


But they are not concerns, it's the husband being paranoid/jealous. I wouldn't be dismissive, on the contrary: I would have a conversation with him and I would tell him to stop this nonsense and get a life.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> But they are not concerns, it's the husband being paranoid/jealous.* I wouldn't be dismissive, on the contrary: I would have a conversation with him and I would tell him to stop this nonsense and get a life.*


You completely missed the entire point. It is not a concern to you. That doesn't mean it isn't a concern for someone else. 

The bolded is quite funny. You completely contradict yourself. You say you wouldn't be dismissive then spell out how you would dismiss their concern as nonsense.


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## Vie-s (9 d ago)

TRy said:


> I just thought to remind you that you have been claiming that you could not have less contact with your ex than you do now. Again, your promise to step back is meaningless.


We talk socially sometimes. It isn’t always strictly about work but have to see him at work now. I am just saying I am going to be more mindful.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

In Absentia said:


> But they are not concerns, it's the husband being paranoid/jealous. I wouldn't be dismissive, on the contrary: I would have a conversation with him and* I would tell him to stop this nonsense and get a life.*


That is the very definition of being dismissive.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

There is also an implied threat of blackmail with an EX which may be particularly crushing if the W did sexual things with the EX she has never done with her H nor ever will.

An email from the EX to the H and his perspective on his W can change forever.

In the Hs mind he may be thinking the same thing, but is afraid to know also.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> That is the very definition of being dismissive.


No... you listen first and _then_ you dismiss the nonsense...


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

In Absentia said:


> No... you listen first and _then_ you dismiss the nonsense...


And see, I actually trust my wife. If she says she has a concern, then she has a concern. End of.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> And see, I actually trust my wife. If she says she has a concern, then she has a concern. End of.


I'm not saying you don't have to listen... you do.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

In Absentia said:


> I'm not saying you don't have to listen... you do.


And that's where boundaries come in. I am not so arrogant to assume that I know and see the situation better than she does by default. We discuss the situation, then it is up to me to decide for myself what I am willing to do to help alleviate or mitigate her concerns. Again, knowing that my wife has a right to her own boundaries and is coming from the assumption that she has the best interests of the relationship at heart.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> And that's where boundaries come in. I am not so arrogant to assume that I know and see the situation better than she does by default. We discuss the situation, then it is up to me to decide for myself what I am willing to do to help alleviate or mitigate her concerns. Again, knowing that my wife has a right to her own boundaries and is coming from the assumption that she has the best interests of the relationship at heart.


I agree with you... I think we don't agree on the definition of "concern" in this case. I would still listen, though.


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## Vie-s (9 d ago)

uwe.blab said:


> Do you feel like you might want to sleep with him again someday? Did you guys have any physical encounters AFTER you broke off your engagement?


We are never going to have a physical relationship ever again


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Vie-s said:


> We talk socially sometimes. It isn’t always strictly about work but have to see him at work now. I am just saying I am going to be more mindful.


 You told your husband that you
“don’t think there is anything I can do at work to have less contact with him”. Now you say “we talk socially sometimes. It isn’t always strictly about work “. In other words there was more that you could have done, but you were not being totally transparent with him. Regardless of what your husband tells you, he will notice this. You are very good at spin, but I doubt your husband is buying it. Be warned, if your husband decides that he has had enough of this, there may be no turning back when he snaps.


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> But they are not concerns, it's the husband being paranoid/jealous. I wouldn't be dismissive, on the contrary: I would have a conversation with him and I would tell him to stop this nonsense and get a life.


With said answer from you, I would converge with a part of it.
If I received it from my wife, I would take the advise seriously and ASAP.
My following step would be to get a life......without her.
Or wouldn´t be a life.

That said (first and more important things first) I´m not at in the camp of asking her to drop her job.
Will later and in another post tell what I once did both respecting her personal development and agreeing as a couple what to do IF someone crosses a line, a one stablished as inconditional.


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

Having read your last two posts, as Bollo from The Mighty Boosh says - I got a bad feeling about this.

It just strikes me that you are not taking this seriously enough, far too flippant in your answers.

See you in 6 months.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

lifeistooshort said:


> Did you ask your hb what happens if your ex comes to another company where you work? Will it always be necessary for you to leave jobs?


No. I suggested a path forwards earlier in the thread. Explain the situation to HR. If it’s not a mom and pop company then they won’t want that kind of liability. Depending on the state, if you’re in a place like California you’re good for life unless they have a site closure and don’t attempt to move anyone with the same job title.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I think courts would also be sympathetic to a restraining order request depending on what communication there has been and also depending on the state. If the guy is actually following her around then as long as you have a paper trail you won’t have to worry about him doing the workplace thing again.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

ccpowerslave said:


> I think courts would also be sympathetic to a restraining order request depending on what communication there has been and also depending on the state. If the guy is actually following her around then as long as you have a paper trail you won’t have to worry about him doing the workplace thing again.


I wouldn’t entertain something like that until she communicates her desired boundaries and he doesn't accept them. So far she's been in willing communication.....the guy at least deserves the chance to know what she wants.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It’s your husband’s decision what he’s willing to accept from you. It’s your decision what you’re willing to accept from him. If the two of you can’t agree then that’s when the problems begin. My exH’s affairs began at work as many do. He was excellent at downplaying those “friendships” so I’m less tolerant of that than some are — especially when an ex is involved.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

lifeistooshort said:


> I wouldn’t entertain something like that until she communicates her desired boundaries and he doesn't accept them. So far she's been in willing communication.....the guy at least deserves the chance to know what she wants.


Agreed. However if you didn’t want to leave and you didn’t care about him at all, then you could just talk to HR and explain things and they’ll have to figure it out.


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## Vie-s (9 d ago)

samyeagar said:


> This touches on why exes are so dangerous to relationships. The normal social and interpersonal barriers that naturally slow the progression of a relationship with a new person have already been crossed with an ex. Nervousness, anxiety, lack of familiarity...with an ex, the intimate personal conversations, nakedness and sex has already been had. An ex is already starting out several steps ahead. They already have an established inside track, especially when the breakup was friendly.
> 
> Now, that is not saying that it is inevitable that things will always go sideways with an ex. It just means that there are far fewer innate barriers slowing it down, and a person much be consciously aware and more vigilant.
> 
> Which leads to another thing many people tend to do...they place far too much trust in the default relationship armour that marriage provides. They think that because they are married or in a relationship, that somehow by default provides a level of protection, they take it completely for granted, and it lulls them into a false sense of security.


That makes sense


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## Vie-s (9 d ago)

Harold Demure said:


> Having read your last two posts, as Bollo from The Mighty Boosh says - I got a bad feeling about this.
> 
> It just strikes me that you are not taking this seriously enough, far too flippant in your answers.
> 
> See you in 6 months.


I am taking it seriously and I am not trying to harm my marriage.


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## Jakobs (6 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> It’s your husband’s decision what he’s willing to accept from you. It’s your decision what you’re willing to accept from him. If the two of you can’t agree then that’s when the problems begin. *My exH’s affairs began at work as many do. He was excellent at downplaying those “friendships”* so I’m less tolerant of that than some are — especially when an ex is involved.


^^ THIS!

It’s insane how many adultery cases start at work, with a co-worker or a higher up, from “friendships” whose real depth is purposely kept away from the spouse for a reason. The lie then snowballs down the mountain and spirals out of control.


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

Vie-s said:


> I am taking it seriously and I am not trying to harm my marriage.


I hope so. Obviously, never met but you and your husband do come across as nice people and I wish you success in your professional and domestic lives.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Vie-s said:


> I am taking it seriously and I am not trying to harm my marriage.


I think you really started to understand this from your Hs perspective, perhaps you even had a shocking realization.

I believe you are an honest and decent person and will not cheat. I'm not sure that your Ex however.


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## I Know (Dec 14, 2011)

Vie-s said:


> We talk socially sometimes. It isn’t always strictly about work but have to see him at work now. I am just saying I am going to be more mindful.


IDK. If I were married to you I would take this as evidence that you don't care about what I think in the slightest. I don't see how being more mindful is making any difference whatsoever. It blows my mind that you are really this clueless about why your husband would be concerned about this.


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

*Vie-s*

By all the posts to you - appears the consensus is an ongoing relationship with an ex is not good for your marriage. Then the hashing of what is a 'relationship?'

Corollary is having and/or setting boundaries on _YOUR_self. And also setting boundaries in conjunction with your husband. Given that every successful married couple will attest making
marriage successful is work.
Sometimes very hard work - 

What popped into my mind was _Stalagmite_. A stalagmite is the mineral spire built up over time by mineral containing water dripping in same spot - for a long time. An opposite situation occurs when water erodes something. So? what does this have to do with marriage?

As people live together they learn many new things about their mate and themself. Scary?
Some things people do for each other are like the dripping water building the stalagmite spire.
Some things people do TO each other are like the water slowly eroding what it contacts.

In a successful marriage we need to learn how to make the stalagmite and how to not erode what we have. 

I'm thinking your ongoing place of work where your ex just happened to show up is one of thost things than can erode your marriage. Remember, the erosion is very slow but steady and if the erosion gets far enough to be seen - damage has been done. 

Something we do with or to our spouse may not be so obvious but long term - little things matter and if enough happen - you're in trouble. 

Best to avoid every thing that can cause erosion.

I hope this make sense.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

Vie-s said:


> I understand that my husband is bothered by this to an extent. I don’t think there is anything I can do at work to have less contact with him. He is single but I know he dates. I will talk to my husband about what would make him comfortable. I do not want to have to change jobs but I will if this becomes a bigger issue. Not sure if I should talk to my ex about this or that would look weird? I will stop the social media contact though.


As others have stated, the best option is to ensure that you inform your ex that any electronic coms be done directly through email only and apply solely to work. Futhermore, do not email after actual working hours...it can wait till next business day. Block/delete him on any social media platforms and ensure that, at your request husband is asked to observe you do this. Possibly you may want to set up a meeting between all 3 of you to set boudries point blank so there can be no confusion or excuses for violation of your marriage boundaries. Allow your husband to address the ex directly if he wishes to drive home how important your marriage is to both of you and whatever he feels he needs to say to the guy.
Correctly done, you'll not have any uneeded contact and as time goes on, things will normalize with you and husband. Also inquire at HR just to see if the company has any safeguards in situations such as this.


Vie-s said:


> Ex and I talked about the job beforehand. Husband was not excited but it was fine. It has grown into a bigger issue. Not everything is an affair.


Maybe you have a face to face talk, all 3 of you and just settle it like adults. Every one gets there thoughts in and then make and set some accepted boundaries. This will ensure ex knows you and your husband are happy as is and want to interface from this and your husband witnesses an honest and open discussion to alleviate ill feeling. At some point the hubby's going to have to let it go and just trust you and believe in you. If things are kept professional there ahold be no reason to change jobs.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

Vie-s said:


> I have been nothing but honest with my husband and want to do what is right for our marriage. I would prefer to keep my job though.


Then suggest you seek counseling to help him overcome these insecurities before it sours your intimacy.


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## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

TinyTbone said:


> As others have stated, the best option is to ensure that you inform your ex that any electronic coms be done directly through email only and apply solely to work. Futhermore, do not email after actual working hours...it can wait till next business day. Block/delete him on any social media platforms and ensure that, at your request husband is asked to observe you do this. Possibly you may want to set up a meeting between all 3 of you to set boudries point blank so there can be no confusion or excuses for violation of your marriage boundaries. Allow your husband to address the ex directly if he wishes to drive home how important your marriage is to both of you and whatever he feels he needs to say to the guy.
> Correctly done, you'll not have any uneeded contact and as time goes on, things will normalize with you and husband. Also inquire at HR just to see if the company has any safeguards in situations such as this.
> 
> Maybe you have a face to face talk, all 3 of you and just settle it like adults. Every one gets there thoughts in and then make and set some accepted boundaries. This will ensure ex knows you and your husband are happy as is and want to interface from this and your husband witnesses an honest and open discussion to alleviate ill feeling. At some point the hubby's going to have to let it go and just trust you and believe in you. If things are kept professional there ahold be no reason to change jobs.


Sorry TT I disagree with this. DO NOT bring your ex and husband together to discuss boundaries...It will make your husband look like a crying Pu$$y to your ex...Don't discuss anything about your marriage with your ex. This is exactly how wòk place affairs start. 

Originally you were upset with your H because when talking about your ex and the job , you didn't like his accusatory tone. I know your not a guy , but wtf did you think his tone would be ? 

Your ex is a rival. Period ... As long as you work together, have daily contact ect. Your husband's tone is healthy and the way it should be.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

Captain Obvious said:


> I think it’s all about boundaries. Me personally, I just think a former fiancé, gf/bf, sexual partner is a bad idea. Again, just my opinion.


I'd agree with this. When I first married my wife, for some stupid reason introduced me to her only to sexual partners? Not sure what short circuited in her mind on that one.
Many, many years later, we did discuss this because it was disturbing to me and just never went away. She said she really didn't remember the stuff but vaguely. To which I replied I remembered it vividly, even after we'll over 20 yes of marriage! I had always been cautious about this and any possible issues. Her first was permanently disabled in an industrial accident and almost a vegetable....sad. the other had simply va ished through the years to another eastern seaboard state. I love my wife deeply, but she at times is an odd duck socially.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

Jimi007 said:


> Sorry TT I disagree with this. DO NOT bring your ex and husband together to discuss boundaries...It will make your husband look like a crying Pu$$y to your ex...Don't discuss anything about your marriage with your ex. This is exactly how wòk place affairs start.
> 
> Originally you were upset with your H because when talking about your ex and the job , you didn't like his accusatory tone. I know your not a guy , but wtf did you think his tone would be ?
> 
> Your ex is a rival. Period ... As long as you work together, have daily contact ect. Your husband's tone is healthy and the way it should be.


Well that may be your thought, but there is going to be showdown sooner or later. Either with D papers or hubby doing his best to stomp the guts out of the ex to prove his domain. She has already revealed private info to the guy on their marriage...huge no no. Not many option to assuage the hubby here. It's a delicate situation the wife started and sadly the hubby allowed it to become.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

Good to know you and the husband are communicating and committed to each other. Just a note. The way males are hard wired, as having been said to be ALPHA or BETA in personality, let's suppose that both the ex and the hubby are both ALPHA types. Eventually there will be showdown of sorts between them to assert "dominion" over you. You can be almost certain that the husband would eventually reach a boiling point and then the lion will ROAR. Probably either look him up at work or locate his residence and have it out. Depending on where it happened, the situation, as well intended by your husband, could result in you loosing your job, someone going to jail for assault, major humiliation and embarrassment for you and possibly causing permanent marriage ending damage. Just because there can't be 2 roosters in the hen yard.
It goes back to perspective and reality. Never minimize or dismiss your husband's feelings. He is supposed to be your number 1 priority and you his as well. Any man worth his salt will defend his domain. Please continue to assure with love and understanding his feelings and keep communicating through this. Best wishes.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

Vie-s said:


> We talk socially sometimes. It isn’t always strictly about work but have to see him at work now. I am just saying I am going to be more mindful.


Are you inferring to talking socially on electronic media, or face to face other than work?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

TinyTbone said:


> Then suggest you seek counseling to help him overcome these insecurities before it sours your intimacy.


I find it rather sad that in the XXI century she has to find another job because of her husband's insecurities.


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## UAArchangel (2 mo ago)

Vie-s said:


> I thought about asking this on Reddit, but I think this place can be more realistic. My ex started working at my company recently and my husband hates it and it is causing problems. I am 29 now and my husband is 32. We have been married for 2 years. I dated my ex from 22-25. We were engaged & broke up because he was moving to a different state for a job and I didn’t want to go so I broke up with him. We have always been ‘friends’ and there are no hard feelings between us. By friends I mean cordial messages on social media every once in a while.
> He started working at my company a few months ago and it has consistently caused issues for my husband and I. He is way more suspicious. He asks me questions he never asked me before. He will ask me if I was around him that day jokingly and if I answer yes he gets passive aggressive. This has caused several arguments. We don’t have to interact that much but it does happen and we have to text/email sometimes. He has even brought up looking for another job. I think this is unfair to me. I have a lot of good relationships at this company and room for growth and opportunity. I am not trying to be insensitive to his feelings. I would be uncomfortable to a degree too. I just want to find a solution so this isn’t a problem in my marriage. To me this seems like a trust issue but maybe it is something he just isn’t ok with. I have no interest in my ex and there hasn’t been anything I consider inappropriate.


If you won't do everything reasonable to protect your marriage from encroachment, he has not reason to want to protect your marriage from encroachment either. 
You are basically giving him permission to have an open marriage.


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## UAArchangel (2 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> I find it rather sad that in the XXI century she has to find another job because of her husband's insecurities.


At least from what I'm reading, she's being too familiar with her ex. I think the husband is correct in not being totally trusting.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

UAArchangel said:


> At least from what I'm reading, she's being too familiar with her ex. I think the husband is correct in not being totally trusting.


If my wife told me to trust her, I would trust her. If she cheated, she would be out of the door. I would never ask her to change jobs because of my insecurities. That's my issue to address.


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## UAArchangel (2 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> If my wife told me to trust her, I would trust her. If she cheated, she would be out of the door. I would never ask her to change jobs because of my insecurities. That's my issue to address.


A person is trustworthy according to their willngness to demonstrate being trustworthy.
I agree with you that she shouldn't have to change jobs based on his insecurities, but I would make it clear to hear that her willingness to protect the marriage will be a guide in how much effort I make to protect the marriage too.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

UAArchangel said:


> A person is trustworthy according to their willngness to demonstrate being trustworthy.
> I agree with you that she shouldn't have to change jobs based on his insecurities, but I would make it clear to hear that her willingness to protect the marriage will be a guide in how much effort I make to protect the marriage too.


If the husband never had a reason to doubt his wife's trustworthiness, then his behaviour will damage the marriage. If my wife came to me and told me she didn't like me working with one of my exes, I would immediately think she doesn't trust me and with no trust there is no marriage. I wonder what the husband's next demand will be. It's a slippery slope.


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## UAArchangel (2 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> If the husband never had a reason to doubt his wife's trustworthiness, then his behaviour will damage the marriage. If my wife came to me and told me she didn't like me working with one of my exes, I would immediately think she doesn't trust me and with no trust there is no marriage.


One can say that, until they are on TAM telling us how they trusted their spouse, so they didn't raise any concerns and they are then telling us how their spouse ended in an affair. 
A trustworthy acts trustworthy.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

UAArchangel said:


> One can say that, until they are on TAM telling us how they trusted their spouse, so they didn't raise any concerns and they are then telling us how their spouse ended in an affair.
> A trustworthy acts trustworthy.


You can't stop people from cheating if they want to cheat. A marriage not based on trust is a prison.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> If the husband never had a reason to doubt his wife's trustworthiness, then his behaviour will damage the marriage. If my wife came to me and told me she didn't like me working with one of my exes, I would immediately think she doesn't trust me and with no trust there is no marriage. I wonder what the husband's next demand will be. It's a slippery slope.


I honestly get what you are saying, but I really think that's a utopian view of the world. People are people and not perfect and you have to help your wife avoid pitfalls, as she helps you.

Scenario...
Should a man let his wife go out and even date other men, if she says she won’t get emotional or physical with them? She just wants to have a good time? Why not trust her according to what you are saying?

I don't think it's a bad thing to see potholes in the road ahead and steer your marriage around them.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> I honestly get what you are saying, but I really think that's a utopian view of the world. People are people and not perfect and you have to help your wife avoid pitfalls, as she helps you.
> 
> Scenario...
> Should a man let his wife go out and even date other men, if she says she won’t get emotional or physical with them? She just wants to have a good time? Why not trust her according to what you are saying?
> ...


I prefer to live in an Utopian world than in fear. And I don't think the examples you describe are relevant in the context of a marriage situation. A trustworthy wife wouldn't ask to see or date single men.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> I prefer to live in an Utopian world than in fear. And I don't think the examples you describe are relevant in the context of a marriage situation. A trustworthy wife wouldn't ask to see or date single men.


One could argue that a trustworthy wife wouldn't put herself in a co-worker situation with a man she loved and was engaged to either.

And to say...living in “fear” is not the case. Situational awareness is smart. Not fearful.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> One could argue that a trustworthy wife wouldn't put herself in a co-worker situation with a man she loved and was engaged to either.
> 
> And to say...living in “fear” is not the case. Situational awareness is smart. Not fearful.


We disagree, obviously. It's not smart to limit your wife's life options. I think it's acceptable to work with an ex, because it's a working relationship. Dating other men obviously isn't. We are married. Trust is not applied in a void.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> One could argue that a trustworthy wife wouldn't put herself in a co-worker situation with a man she loved and was engaged to either.
> 
> And to say...living in “fear” is not the case. Situational awareness is smart. Not fearful.


In fairness she didn't put herself in this position. He sought a job at her company, not the other way around.

Her problem was keeping contact with the ex after she got married.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

lifeistooshort said:


> In fairness she didn't put herself in this position. He sought a job at her company, not the other way around.
> 
> Her problem was keeping contact with the ex after she got married.


This is exactly the point....Why did she keep contact? That is sketchy


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> In fairness she didn't put herself in this position. He sought a job at her company, not the other way around.
> 
> Her problem was keeping contact with the ex after she got married.


Yes, agreed. I was more trying to make the point. OP didn't do this deliberately as far as we know (and most believe).


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Numb26 said:


> This is exactly the point....Why did she keep contact? That is sketchy


Agreed. Thetr are differing opinions on ex contact buy I've always been in the camp of no contact.

This is an example of what can pop up when you keep contact. Probably not common but obviously possible, essentially if you date coworkers.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Yes, agreed. I was more trying to make the point. OP didn't do this deliberately as far as we know (and most believe).


She's young and getting a lesson in why it's not a good idea to keep exes as "friends".


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> If the husband never had a reason to doubt his wife's trustworthiness, then his behaviour will damage the marriage. If my wife came to me and told me she didn't like me working with one of my exes, I would immediately think she doesn't trust me and with no trust there is no marriage. I wonder what the husband's next demand will be. It's a slippery slope.


I would tend to agree with your point of view more, if it were not for the fact that she kept social contact with her ex. So you have a very deep relationship that fell just short of marriage and they never completely broke ties and now he is seeing her regularly at work and I'm sure the social interaction increased. She is the one on the slippery slope. If this was an ex that she broke it off with and had no contact with for several years and he showed up at her work one day that would be a considerably different situation. 

Remember that slippery slope goes both way. Although there is a lot of truth to the statement that "cheaters are going to cheat", I also think there is a gray area between that end and a person that will never ever cheat at the other end of the spectrum. You can keep stacking up situations that pushes someone closer and closer to a person that isn't their SO. Then you need just the right set of circumstance for something to go horribly bad when it could have been avoided completely. 

How would you feel if your wife said she didn't want you working with an ex because she is jealous of her getting to spend so much time with you, not that she doesn't trust you?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I would tend to agree with your point of view more, if it were not for the fact that she kept social contact with her ex. So you have a very deep relationship that fell just short of marriage and they never completely broke ties and now he is seeing her regularly at work and I'm sure the social interaction increased. She is the one on the slippery slope. If this was an ex that she broke it off with and had no contact with for several years and he showed up at her work one day that would be a considerably different situation.
> 
> Remember that slippery slope goes both way. Although there is a lot of truth to the statement that "cheaters are going to cheat", I also think there is a gray area between that end and a person that will never ever cheat at the other end of the spectrum. You can keep stacking up situations that pushes someone closer and closer to a person that isn't their SO. Then you need just the right set of circumstance for something to go horribly bad when it could have been avoided completely.
> 
> How would you feel if your wife said she didn't want you working with an ex because she is jealous of her getting to spend so much time with you, not that she doesn't trust you?


And it doesn't even have to go to a full blown physical affair to cause irreparable harm to the marriage. Putting time and emotional energy into a person who is not your spouse is taking away from the marriage. We see it all the time. Hell, it doesn't even have to be a potential romantic interest. Kids, sick parents, troubled siblings, are common triggers when not handled correctly because they drain time and emotional energy away from the marriage that lead to serious issues and even divorce. 

In the case of someone who starts out as just a friend, starts out harmless enough, it is all too common that over time, the little bit here, the little bit there adds up and the marriage is in real trouble before they even realize it. In the case of an ex, what I said earlier, the ex is starting out several steps ahead.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

BigDaddyNY said:


> If this was an ex that she broke it off with and had no contact with for several years and he showed up at her work one day that would be a considerably different situation.


It would be, however if they were in a position where they were working together frequently I’d have my wife go to HR or there’d be some fireworks.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Basically same situation, doesn’t matter if possibly stalker ex, random chance ex, talk to ex, the remedy is go to HR. If it’s maybe a stalker ex I’d also be asking for a restraining order especially if showing up uninvited.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

samyeagar said:


> And it doesn't even have to go to a full blown physical affair to cause irreparable harm to the marriage. Putting time and emotional energy into a person who is not your spouse is taking away from the marriage. We see it all the time. Hell, it doesn't even have to be a potential romantic interest. Kids, sick parents, troubled siblings, are common triggers when not handled correctly because they drain time and emotional energy away from the marriage that lead to serious issues and even divorce.
> 
> In the case of someone who starts out as just a friend, starts out harmless enough, it is all too common that over time, the little bit here, the little bit there adds up and the marriage is in real trouble before they even realize it. In the case of an ex, what I said earlier, the ex is starting out several steps ahead.


Good points. I know on some tough, busy days when our kids were little I'm sure my wife's coworkers got to interact in more substantial and positive ways than I did. They get her for her best 8 hours out of the day. I have no need to be competing with an ex that gets to see her regularly during that time frame.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I would tend to agree with your point of view more, if it were not for the fact that she kept social contact with her ex. So you have a very deep relationship that fell just short of marriage and they never completely broke ties and now he is seeing her regularly at work and I'm sure the social interaction increased. She is the one on the slippery slope. If this was an ex that she broke it off with and had no contact with for several years and he showed up at her work one day that would be a considerably different situation.
> 
> Remember that slippery slope goes both way. Although there is a lot of truth to the statement that "cheaters are going to cheat", I also think there is a gray area between that end and a person that will never ever cheat at the other end of the spectrum. You can keep stacking up situations that pushes someone closer and closer to a person that isn't their SO. Then you need just the right set of circumstance for something to go horribly bad when it could have been avoided completely.
> 
> How would you feel if your wife said she didn't want you working with an ex because she is jealous of her getting to spend so much time with you, not that she doesn't trust you?


Personally, I don't have a problem with people staying in touch with exes. Maybe it's here where we differ. Exes are part of my life and I don't see why I should erase them. Same for the person I have decided to spend the rest of my life with. She can be in touch. I loathe putting barriers around the people I love. If they betray my trust, so be it. They weren't worthy of my love/friendship. Regarding your last question, I would suggest to my wife to book several sessions with a therapist. I don't do jealousy.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> Personally, I don't have a problem with people staying in touch with exes. Maybe it's here where we differ. Exes are part of my life and I don't see why I should erase them. Same for the person I have decided to spend the rest of my life with. She can be in touch. I loathe putting barriers around the people I love. If they betray my trust, so be it. They weren't worthy of my love/friendship. Regarding your last question, I would suggest to my wife to book several sessions with a therapist. I don't do jealousy.


It is all about compatibility I guess. I wouldn't want to be with someone that had a desire to keep an ex lover in their social circle. Each person only has so much time and so much emotional energy to share. That ex had their shot, now its gone and I don't want my spouse wasting any of that time and energy on a dead relationship. That should be spent on our relationship. My wife and I are in complete agreement, so in the end that is all that matters. It has gotten us to year 33 of a very happy marriage so far. It seems you and your wife were compatible in this are not so much on other aspects of your marriage.

If two people aren't on the same page then it has to be dealt with using some kind of compromise. Minor incompatibilities can be overcome this way. Neither partner needs to be right or wrong. They each feel the way they feel. It is who they are. If a compromise solution can't be reached then the incompatibility is too great and the relationship is likely to fall apart. It looks like OP and her husband are heading down that path of compromise. Her actions indicate she values her marriage more than socializing with her ex and even more than her job, which I feel is how it should be. I know I've curtailed some of my career advancement opportunities for my family and at the request of my wife. Very similar IMO.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

BigDaddyNY said:


> It is all about compatibility I guess. I wouldn't want to be with someone that had a desire to keep an ex lover in their social circle. Each person only has so much time and so much emotional energy to share. That ex had their shot, not its gone and I don't want my spouse wasting any of that time and energy on a dead relationship. That should be spent on our relationship. My wife and I are in complete agreement, so in the end that is all that matters. It has gotten us to year 33 of a very happy marriage so far. It seems you and your wife were compatible in this are not so much on other aspects of your marriage.
> 
> If two people aren't on the same page then it has to be dealt with using some kind of compromise. Minor incompatibilities can be overcome this way. Neither partners needs to be right or wrong. They each feel the way they feel. It is who they are. If a compromise solution can't be reached then the incompatibility is too great and the relations is likely to fall apart. It looks like OP and her husband are heading down that path of compromise. Her actions indicate she values her marriage more than socializing with her ex and even more than her job, which I feel is how it should be. I know I've curtailed some of my career advancement opportunities for my family and at the request of my wife. Very similar IMO.


I agree with you mostly. But I have remained friends with many exes, so it's not a "dead relationship, it's just friendship now. I'm hardly in contact with them, but, as I said before, they are part of my life and I don't want to "delete" them. They've made me happy. I'm not really wasting any time and energy on them.

Regarding my marriage, unfortunately my wife decided not to tackle her mental issues and that was the death sentence. I understand why, so we remain friends, but I can't help feeling that many more happy years together awaited us and that's out of the window now.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

In Absentia said:


> I find it rather sad that in the XXI century she has to find another job because of her husband's insecurities.


Don't be sad. She actually doesn't have to find another job just yet and there is no evidence her husband is insecure either as several confident men on this board have similar views and boundaries as him.

He does need to quit being passive aggressive though.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> Don't be sad.


I'm not sad... I find it sad...


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

In Absentia said:


> I'm not sad... I find it sad...


What you find sad isn't actually happening so it's not sad.😉


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## DamianDamian (Aug 14, 2019)

In Absentia said:


> I'm not sad... I find it sad...


"Oh hey honey can we have a calm mature conversation about something that is upsetting me? We are married and we are supposed to care about each other, compromise and be able to communicate effectively."
"You're insecure! You're jealous! Label label label! I'll do whatever I want!" 
Lol you seem like such a nice intelligent man.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

DamianDamian said:


> "Oh hey honey can we have a calm mature conversation about something that is upsetting me? We are married and we are supposed to care about each other, compromise and be able to communicate effectively."
> "You're insecure! You're jealous! Label label label! I'll do whatever I want!"
> Lol you seem like such a nice intelligent man.


As I said, you are welcomed to live in your prison, I don't care. Your choice.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> What you find sad isn't actually happening so it's not sad.😉


That's an intelligent reply. I'm amazed.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

In Absentia said:


> That's an intelligent reply. I'm amazed.


LoL! I've made no secret that I'm an asshole and barbarian is a title I do hold in real life. I do have a respectable I.Q. as well though which is probably more trouble than it's worth.😉


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> LoL! I've made no secret that I'm an asshole and barbarian is a title I do hold in real life. I do have a respectable I.Q. as well though which is probably more trouble than it's worth.😉


It's ok... you are going to be on my Ignore list from now on. The only one on the list.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

In Absentia said:


> It's ok... you are going to be on my Ignore list from now one. The only one on the list.


That's because you are clearly irrational and refuse to address your issues.

It is an honor to be the only one BTW. Thank you.

You have given consistently terrible marriage advice despite having no real world evidence of your wisdom.

You are witty and clever in other ways and I've never denied that.

Enjoy living in what I view as weakness.

I wish better for you. I will continue to succeed in marriage and relationships without your acknowledgement.

Peace.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

It’s getting a little feisty in this thread!

You guys ok? Do you need a beer, a lawn chair, and a sunset? 😊


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## UAArchangel (2 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> It’s getting a little feisty in this thread!
> 
> You guys ok? Do you need a beer, a lawn chair, and a sunset? 😊


It is possible the internet cookies are sensing something, because I'm seeing an ad for dental implants.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> It’s getting a little feisty in this thread!
> 
> You guys ok? Do you need a beer, a lawn chair, and a sunset? 😊


The barbarian is ok, the other one is a little emotional.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Numb26 said:


> The barbarian is ok, the other one is a little emotional.


Where did you see that I'm being emotional? If putting someone on ignore is being emotional you have a strange concept of being emotional. That's all I will say about it.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> It’s getting a little feisty in this thread!
> 
> You guys ok? Do you need a beer, a lawn chair, and a sunset? 😊


I'm fine... just fed up with being targeted. It's like a broken record.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

In Absentia said:


> Where did you see that I'm being emotional? If putting someone on ignore is being emotional you have a strange concept of being emotional. That's all I will say about it.


You are being emotional. So much in fact that you are going after @ConanHub about this on TWO different threads. Take a couple of deep breathes, it will be ok.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Numb26 said:


> You are being emotional. So much in fact that you are going after @ConanHub about this on TWO different threads. Take a couple of deep breathes, it will be ok.


It's the other way 'round. But this is massively OT. I'll stop here.


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