# No matter what I do its not enough.



## Chris21 (Nov 12, 2013)

Hello everybody, I am new to this so bare with me, I am not married but I am in a serious relationship with a women who I love dearly and think the world of her she is my best friend and we have been together for three years and I want to marry her. My girlfriend loves her family, when I say love, I'm saying they are her everything, Photos of them everywhere, passwords are her sister kids names, she host every family function there is, I'm the first one there and last to leave. there always talking on the phone, hanging out, and her brother in law to her is the coolest guy ever, he has been around for about 16 years of her life so there are close I get it. She doesn't have many friends her family are her friends. BUT! that's not even my issue my issue is this... She tells me I don't come around her family enough, and they don't know me I need to be more engaging, and I need to compromise and be there for her more and its really important to her and if I don't give her that she will move on. I'm close with my family, my family is not like theirs, less family functions and everyone is spread out over the united states not just Illinois like hers. There is no other problem in the relationship, this is the only issue. I'm there for her anytime, I will take a bullet for her. I believe to come around all the time weekly and come to every game night, or just to hang out, or dinners, breakfast, lunches etc... is a bit excessive to me and coming from my family background isn't normal and overwhelming. I have made an effort to come around more, even when I don't want to I suck it up and do it for her. so I feel I compromise often. But its still not enough. I like her family they are great people we just don't share the same interest. Example Her brother in law always has dinner parties at there home or game night where the drink excessively and smoke excessively. I am the only man in there who doesn't do that so its hard to be around that. Maybe I'm being a punk nagging boyfriend, whatever it is I would like someones pov other than her family's.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> She tells me I don't come around her family enough, and they don't know me I need to be more engaging, and I need to compromise and be there for her more and its really important to her and if I don't give her that she will move on.


You could tell her you're giving her all you can give her, and if it's not enough then maybe she SHOULD move on.

In this area you are not compatible. There's nothing wrong with your way or hers for that matter, they work for each of you individually. If she can't respect your view on family and you can't respect hers, there's no point in continuing the relationship. You can agree to disagree and stay together, that's the mature way to handle it.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

There's no right or wrong answer as to what's "enough" and what's "excessive" contact with your partner's family, but it definitely sounds like your contact with them is already on the high end compared to most, and yet it's not enough for your gf. She has a right to want what she wants, but you also have a right to want what you want -- in this case, not having your life with her dominated by her family. It sounds to me like in this "take a bullet for her" relationship you're the one who sees it as your role to compromise, but does she feel the same toward you, or is everything about how she thinks things should be? 

How often are you seeing her family now? Is your social time together with her being consumed by them more often than not? 

I think that if this is a problem for you, you need to find a way to discuss it with her without being insulting. "You know, I really like your family, and they're really welcoming to me, but I didn't grow up in such a close knit family as yours and I prefer to have a little more time to ourselves. Is there any way we can compromise on this?" Completely giving in to her idea of the relationship and not speaking up is not going to pave a happy future for you two. 

If you were married, this would be an easier question to answer but I think it's not uncommon for some women to be more attached to their families prior to marriage.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

If you're not comfortable with it, don't do it just to please her. What about your happiness? 

Her family sounds like her everything, and you would come in second place, at best. Don't marry anyone who doesn't put you first.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

I get the impression she is comparing you to the BIL and you just are not filling his shoes.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

SaltInWound said:


> I get the impression she is comparing you to the BIL and you just are not filling his shoes.


Ooh, good reading. I missed that but I think you're right. She's jealous of her sister and trying to make a second version of her BIL out of OP's clay.


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## Chris21 (Nov 12, 2013)

John Lee said:


> There's no right or wrong answer as to what's "enough" and what's "excessive" contact with your partner's family, but it definitely sounds like your contact with them is already on the high end compared to most, and yet it's not enough for your gf. She has a right to want what she wants, but you also have a right to want what you want -- in this case, not having your life with her dominated by her family. It sounds to me like in this "take a bullet for her" relationship you're the one who sees it as your role to compromise, but does she feel the same toward you, or is everything about how she thinks things should be?
> 
> How often are you seeing her family now? Is your social time together with her being consumed by them more often than not?
> 
> ...



Thank you for your opinion. I haven't seen her family in about 2 weeks or so because of a misunderstanding we had when I expressed how I felt she chooses her family over me. I don't believe social time is being consumed more often than not. But there has been times when I had something planned with her it has been blown off because she wanted to do something her family had going on. Are you saying that this wouldn't happen if were married? because I fear it will be worse and more of an issue and be damaging to our marriage if we were married right now.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Chris21 said:


> Thank you for your opinion. I haven't seen her family in about 2 weeks or so because of a misunderstanding we had when I expressed how I felt she chooses her family over me. I don't believe social time is being consumed more often than not. But there has been times when I had something planned with her it has been blown off because she wanted to do something her family had going on. Are you saying that this wouldn't happen if were married? because I fear it will be worse and more of an issue and be damaging to our marriage if we were married right now.


Nope, sorry, to be clear that's definitely NOT what I'm saying. What I'm saying is that if you were already married, it would be easier to put your foot down, because spouse comes before parents/siblings. But don't take that as a reason to marry her -- I think you're right, it sounds like this may not get better. 

You haven't seen them in two weeks because of a "misunderstanding", hang on, so does that mean normally you see them like every week? Yeah, that seems like an awful lot of her family. I couldn't deal with that, but to each his own. Second, what's the misunderstanding? You expressed your feelings and she got offended, sounds like that's on her. She sounds a little immature to me. Maybe she's not ready to be committed to a man if her family always has to come first. Or maybe you're just not the kind of guy who wants to get indoctrinated into la familia. Stick to your guns. Don't back down on some "misunderstanding" b.s.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Yeah I'm not a fan of coming in 2nd to anything whether it's work, hobbies, friends or yes family. 

If that were me I'd be inclined to agree with her that she needs to find someone more compatible since your best isn't good enough.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

what exactly do you love so much about her???????????????????


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

Honestly, I think it will get much much much worse when you are married. You will then officially be part of the family. You will have to do everything with them because if you don't, you will be putting her between you and them. These very family oriented girls can be insane when it comes to family. When the baby comes--that will be another huge scene--to which you will be stressed. When you marry a girl that puts her family above you, you are marrying her family. 

Me? I haven't seen my girl's family in like 3 months. I see them like 5-6 times a year - and I absolutely hate it. I would run if my girl was as family-oriented as yours. 

Boundaries on her family matters need to be set as of yesterday or you will flip out eventually. A lot of guys would not do what you are doing, so she needs to appreciate it big time.


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## Oldrandwisr (Jun 22, 2013)

If you have the talk with her about marriage, you need to make it clear that the hierarchy changes. Spouse comes first for obvious reasons. Ask her how her own parents would look to her if they put their extended families before each other.


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## silentghost (Jan 28, 2013)

Pull the plug....it's going to get worse when you tie the knot.
Either get it straightened out now...or tell her to move on.


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## Welsh TXN (Feb 4, 2012)

Chris21, 

I will tell you from experience those that are extremely close to their family will always be extremely close to the family usually because the Parents have made the family unit to rely on each other for support as the parents never really had close friends that the socialized with so all the socializing is done with family. My exW, was extremely close to her family even to the point that every vacation, every holiday weekend, every social event was with them, it grated me as I though when you got married your spouse became your immediate family for support we talked about this and agreed but it never changed. I was walked over on the subject because I was 5000 miles from my family and never got to see them on a regular basis, so my exW said my family are now your family, we need to be with them.

You need to realize that family is important don't get me wrong but it can be unhealthy to the relationship and your mental health, plus you will never be a full family member due to the way the Parents and siblings interact. 

think long and hard it you want this to continue for the rest of your life, this is one situation I had to deal with, Christmas morning I wanted to be at home which was 5miles down the road from her parents house, to wake up and Skype with my family and see the smiles on my nephews faces when they opened the presents we had sent them, I thought this was a reasonable request being so far away from my family, not in her mind we had to be at her parent house xmas eve and wake up there xmas morning (with bad internet connection) so I was not able to see my parents and sister and nephews, I was allowed to call them but the cell service was terrible so it was a 3min call, it sucked but she could not understand why I was upset, that was the first year we were married, I asked again the next year to be able to stay at home and Skype with my family again she couldn't understand why I would not want to be with her family on xmas eve and xmas morning. 

I will say there are things you should compromise on and there are things you shouldn't a relationship is a two way street, I withdrew after certain things happened in my marriage and my exW decided to go find her happiness in the arms of another man who is now her fiancé. But that's another story all together.

Think how you want your future to playout.


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

Hey - her family's Number One. You are somewhere down the list and will never move up. You need to be to her what she is to you. You will never be able to compete with her family. If you're ok being that low on the totem pole move on with her. I think you will be resentful (unless you are a Nice Guy through and through). You deserve better. . . How about a girl you'd take a bullet for who thinks your all that matters? Good luck.


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