# is this really happening...and is he right? Can you find that spark again?



## wilted_flower (Jul 25, 2010)

My husband and I have been married for only a little over a year. We have had intimacy issues for a long time (he has said that he has "sexual issues" and always "loses interest" in it when he has been together with a partner for awhile). When he told me of his issues, I believed that it was a turning point, that he was willing to get help, and our relationship would grow to be stronger than ever. 

Fast forward 3 1/2 years later, now we're married and things aren't much better. He and I get along quite well (we "work"), but that spark, that something special, seems to be missing. This has been due to a lack of open and honest communication. It has gotten this far because we work so well together on a surface level. I have had a history of sexual trauma so it was easy to overlook the lack of intimacy. Until it became seriously detrimental to our relationship. 

He also travels a lot for work. Weeks at a time every month or two. It seems like he's always returning from a trip or getting ready to leave for a trip. This has not made things easy for communication, intimacy, and overall closeness. Plus, we are both in the process of getting our advanced degrees, and a recent career switch on my part has caused me to have to work a lot more than I have had to in the past (on top of getting a graduate degree). We are both very busy and it has been difficult to make each other a priority. Things began to slip away, even while we planned what sounded like a wonderful life together. 

Now he's wondering if we have ever been "in love" with each other, or if once the initial infatuation and lust wore off, we simply settled into compatibility. He admits to shutting down during a conversation early on in our relationship when he thought I might leave him, and pretty much stopped letting me in, or openly talking to me. Even though I could feel it to some extent, I was not aware of his feelings until this conversation tonight. Apparently I had some of the same concerns that his ex-fiancee had, which resulted in the ending of their relationship. 

I agree with him that things are pretty empty right now. Our relationship is functional, and nothing more. We live more like roommates than husband and wife. We haven't had sex in 6 months, and didn't start really talking to each other until this summer, when sh*t hit the fan. A concern I have is that since we both come from divorced families, we might have a tendency to lean toward more catastrophic thinking and conversations. Another concern I have is that since the issues that have played out in this relationship have been prevalent in his other relationships (by his own admittance) and he has taken full responsibility for his own shortcomings in the relationship... that this major problem we are having is not so much that we are not *in love* but that we just aren't talking the way we should be. I also suffer from depression and anxiety and have been trying to deal with them in the last 6 months... though not very well. I think he's sick of my illness and doesn't want to put up with somebody who is not complete. 

I am angry that he just wants to give up. I think we haven't really given it a thorough try. Just recently I came on here and found all sorts of resources- I had no idea the amount of help that is available to couples to help them in their relationships. It gave me hope and it gave me a lot of insight into a more solution oriented approach to fixing our marriage and moving forward on a more productive and fulfilling foot. Is this truth, or is it just a big business to get buy in from desperate and unhappy couples who don't want the hassle of divorcing? Is there truth in repairing marriages that have lost their magic? When H wanted to talk about things but wanted to wait until he got home from travel, I was frustrated. Frustrated because he was talking to his mother, his sister, his friends, a mutual friend... everyone but me. I felt completely left out of a decision that was affecting me as well. I thought he wanted to discuss feelings, emotions, situations... and that we could finally start having a breakthrough. I sent him links to marriage fitness and some other websites, hoping for a more solution oriented approach. 

Little did I know his mind was all but made up. He wants a divorce. Even though he wanted to have this conversation in person, it turns out his company kept pushing his return date back week after week and, well I was tired of waiting to finally find out what he was thinking and what he was feeling when everybody else seemed to know. 

He believes that there was never a foundation there to begin with- that we have been living behind a facade for the last 4 years. He believes that we are not in love with each other, and in order for any of the marriage counseling stuff to be effective, that spark has to be there. If its not, then he thinks you're just wasting your time and the issues will come back... only this time with children involved and much more complicated. 

The truth is, I love him. I think we have great potential together. I also think we need to both work on some issues for that to happen. I know we have a long way to go... but I think it's worth it. He doesn't. He's beginning the process of separating and divorce when he returns from his trip. 

I feel like I've been blindsided. 6 weeks ago, he was really interested in working things out, and wanted to see a marriage counselor. But the counselors we spoke with said their program wouldn't work with the extent of H's traveling. He wasn't able (or willing) to make the changes necessary to do the programs, and now when he's finally returning and we could do a program, he thinks it's too late. Something happened between then and now (talking to family/friends?) and he doesn't want to compromise. 

I'm devastated. My heart is breaking. I don't know who's right... but I suppose I can anticipate the responses that if one person's foot is out the door then the relationship is doomed anyway. I just never thought that he would hurt me this much. We made a promise to each other on our wedding day. We vowed to be there for each other, and to work things through. Doesn't that mean anything? What's the point of marriage if it doesn't mean forever? What is love... what is the secret that I've been apparently missing all these years? 

Do people find that spark again? Is it possible? Or am I still naive in my thinking that there's still hope for a happy ending in this sad story? 

Thank you for taking the time to read this somewhat lengthy post. I appreciate any insight you may have. And obviously, there's a lot more going on- it's difficult to fit in everything without writing a novel.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

First of all, yes it is a long post..

There are so many items in the post that one wonders where to start.

These are some opinions; if he wants to divorce tell him you are going to oppose it. Be firm on this and let his family know this.

He must book himself into with a counsellor , these problems do come up in marriages and are solvable.

As for your depression, it is the environment you are in. Look after yourself, put a really selfish hat on and think of YOU. Exercise, eat well, visit good friends, you are going to need them, You must get out of the house during the day and occupy your mind in the evenings. 

As a whole I think a good therapist indeed a good sex therapist may solve some of his issues. 

Just on the side are you certain he is not involved with someone else. These things are hard to prove but often do cause the instability in the family home.

Alas until some else with wiser words joins later on this is all I can offer.


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## wilted_flower (Jul 25, 2010)

Thank you, wisp. 

I am pretty sure there is no one on the side, because he told me, and I believe him. 

He just gets so afraid of someone leaving him... that when he gets it into his mind rather than being proactive to try and solve the problem, he shuts down. 

We had talked a few weeks ago about how something needed to change, and I basically told him that if the issues in our marriage (such as the lack of intimacy, and the way he never touches me with feeling or even says I love you with appropriate emotion, the way we don't talk about things) weren't resolved we would need to think seriously about our relationship and where it was going. 

Apparently in his mind that translated to: I know you're going to leave me, it's just a matter of when. 

He wanted to see a marriage therapist for awhile and I looked into it, called 8 from my insurance and the one that did call me back said that her program wouldn't work with the amount of traveling he does. That it needs to be 12 consecutive weeks and he couldn't commit to not traveling for 12 weeks. Then he decided that it was past resolving and that we fell out of love a long time ago and it doesn't matter how much help you get if you're not in love with each other. 

He thinks the problems will return eventually, even if they're worked out now.


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## wilted_flower (Jul 25, 2010)

I called a place and have booked an appointment with a therapist. 

I don't know if he's going to go with me, as he got so bitter when I told him "I will not agree to a divorce without counseling first," and asked me "how long he has to put up with it..." somehow he is really convinced that we have been a lie this whole time. That we stopped being in love 4 months into our relationship. I want to explain it away with all the things we weren't doing or could have done... and remain that we can still do things to bring that feeling back. 

I have to know that I did everything in my power to give our love a chance before I walk away.


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