# BIG MISTAKE - I got involved with someone to get over affair



## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

Well, I am back and feeling as bad as ever - after my wife abruptly walked out the door on me for another guy - I was seriously emotionally wounded - but within a few weeks was talking to a former lady friend and became emotionally involved with her - all was well for quite some time and I felt like I was in love all over again. The trouble is she has her own issues and she does know if she wants in or out of a relationship at this point - now I am feeling worse than ever and find myself thinking about my former spouse more than ever.....and I am worse off than I was before... anyone ever experience this? Any advice?


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Rebound relationships are rebound relationships.....

You need to get out of the dating scene until you're emotionally over your ex.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

I beleive my hUsband did this. I can't speak for how he feels about it, but i do wish he might tell me how he feels about it all, but i'm never going to ask him about it. 

My husband got involved with a girl off of a free online dating site a few weeks after he left our house. I believe he was trying to get over me. When he did start talking to me agian, she was a problem and she still is. She still stalks my FB even though I have her blocked. I just keep getting phoney friend requests by people without 1 real photo of themselves, but with activity from the city/state she is from.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

I used escort services for six months after the dust settled from our split. In that way, there was no emotional ties involved.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

hookares said:


> I used escort services for six months after the dust settled from our split. In that way, there was no emotional ties involved.


please tell me you aren't recommending he do this


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

Well, I sort of understand what my STBXW was thinking - when I was this person, I thought little of her and thought I was glad to get rid of her and was happy to be moving on. That paradox did not escape me. Futhermore, I feel the emotional affair I had with this new person helped me push away from my former STBXW - so it was like a escape affair - while its ending - I am not thinking of my STBXW - I am thinking of her. So the ironies in all of this are incredible....Now I know my ex is NOT thinking of me (like I thought). I am not even in her head - she's thinking of her AP NOT me. I don't know whether to be grateful for this experience because it pushes me on or feel bad because it is another disappointment........I feel a bit of both.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

of course she isn't thinking of you

it's why you are divorcing her


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

bigtone128 said:


> Well, I sort of understand what my STBXW was thinking - when I was this person, I thought little of her and thought I was glad to get rid of her and was happy to be moving on. That paradox did not escape me. Futhermore, I feel the emotional affair I had with this new person helped me push away from my former STBXW - so it was like a escape affair - while its ending - I am not thinking of my STBXW - I am thinking of her. So the ironies in all of this are incredible....Now I know my ex is NOT thinking of me (like I thought). I am not even in her head - she's thinking of her AP NOT me. I don't know whether to be grateful for this experience because it pushes me on or feel bad because it is another disappointment........I feel a bit of both.


She will think of you again though, when her A dies after the honeymoon stage is over.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

bigtone128 said:


> Well, I am back and feeling as bad as ever - after my wife abruptly walked out the door on me for another guy - I was seriously emotionally wounded - but within a few weeks was talking to a former lady friend and became emotionally involved with her - all was well for quite some time and I felt like I was in love all over again. The trouble is she has her own issues and she does know if she wants in or out of a relationship at this point - now I am feeling worse than ever and find myself thinking about my former spouse more than ever.....and I am worse off than I was before... anyone ever experience this? Any advice?


Why do you think you need a relationship? Just have fun. To put it another way, your horse bucked you off, but a mustang came along. The mustang has no owner and you're enjoying the ride. You aren't stealing somebody else's ride (adultery) and there is no need to buy (form a formal relationship) the horse you're riding. Just enjoy the ride.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> of course she isn't thinking of you
> 
> it's why you are divorcing her


That's true - she certainly did not think of me when she walked out the door......


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

ArmyofJuan said:


> She will think of you again though, when her A dies after the honeymoon stage is over.


Yeah, she'll think of me ........but justify things...I know how cognitive disonance works----she'll think of what she did and what she left behind but will say (like all wandering spouses do) "it was meant to be - things just weren't working the way thigs were going".


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What's done is done. Now you see how you feel so take some time off to recover and heal your heart and be completely over your ex before embarking on a new relationship w/ someone. It would not be fair to either of you if you did so before you are ready (and you're not).

As far as, how do you know when you're over your ex? I think you just know.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> Why do you think you need a relationship? Just have fun. To put it another way, your horse bucked you off, but a mustang came along. The mustang has no owner and you're enjoying the ride. You aren't stealing somebody else's ride (adultery) and there is no need to buy (form a formal relationship) the horse you're riding. Just enjoy the ride.


I have never been a big dater so I don't enjoy the ride - I tend to hang out with women so I can form deep relationships wth them - I miss the relationship part of my marriage - not the sex..I believe I can get the sex anywhere...........


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> What's done is done. Now you see how you feel so take some time off to recover and heal your heart and be completely over your ex before embarking on a new relationship w/ someone. It would not be fair to either of you if you did so before you are ready (and you're not).
> 
> As far as, how do you know when you're over your ex? I think you just know.


well I thought I was over her when I became involved with this other lady but obviously I wasnt........


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

Don't beat yourself up. You did nothing wrong. It takes time to normalize.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

Thanks bigliam - yea, funny a person thinks he/she is in the clear and then he is quickly reminded of exactly where he is in the recovery process. Obviously, I am not close - funny as soon as this person distanced themselves from me - my first thoughts were I wonder if my STBXW will be coming back.........


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

If it helps Bigtone I suggest you watch "Forgetting Sarah Marshall", it's perfect for your situation.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

An abandoned BS is very vulnerable to falling into an affair of his/her own. I've seen this before and it usually ends like yours did. Take a year to become comfortable with your new status as a divorced man and to allow the emotional healing to take place.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> please tell me you aren't recommending he do this



Not recommending, just saying.
Might not work for everyone but it worked for me.
I still don't stay in any kind of relationship longer than a few weeks, but let the gals know up front.
Been working well.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

I hope that those gals you're hooking up for a few weeks aren't married. Please tell me you are being careful in screening their marital status before you sleep with them.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

morituri said:


> An abandoned BS is very vulnerable to falling into an affair of his/her own. I've seen this before and it usually ends like yours did. Take a year to become comfortable with your new status as a divorced man and to allow the emotional healing to take place.


So true - I was so angry after I got hurt that I thought "okay all rules are out - seems like no one respects marriage so why should I?" but soon realized that people who violate this boundary are not worthy people - much like my STBXW.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

morituri said:


> I hope that those gals you're hooking up for a few weeks aren't married. Please tell me you are being careful in screening their marital status before you sleep with them.


You're kidding, right? After finding out I was footing the bill for a cheater for over twenty years, I can tell if a woman is married just by the shape of her head. I have no intentions in turning some other guy into the idiot I was before I found out.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

hookares said:


> You're kidding, right? After finding out I was footing the bill for a cheater for over twenty years, I can tell if a woman is married just by the shape of her head. I have no intentions in turning some other guy into the idiot I was before I found out.


Good to hear that you are man of honor.


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