# Help



## GalFriday (Jun 6, 2018)

I suppose this is beyond financial but I am lost and could use some advice. 

My husband and I have been married for three months, four months ago I moved to the state he was living in, post divorce (where he grew up he basically went back home). We had been together for a couple years but then he moved back to his home state. He had moved to my state after retiring from the Air Force to be where his wife moved. She has basically left him and his son and he can't leave while he is stationed. After they split up he was still there, we developed a relationship slowly and eventually he moved back to his home state as his ex now moved yet again and we lived in a very high cost of living state (the highest). Once he moved we still talked constantly, he visited but I didn't expect more because we were in different locations. Finally I decided to move where he was at it was a 2 year contract he had and we wanted to be together. We did marry a bit quick timeline wise from when I moved but i felt confident. 

We had in insane amount of detail discussed finances, living arrangements, children, family, you name it...all the things you should be on the same page on before living together or getting married. I was a bit shocked when moving here as it is a small town and a huge change of life for me. I had some savings, some eaten by moving, and he could handle my basic bills until I found a job. I have under $1000 a month worth of bills (car, insurance which is lower now that we are combined and CCs about 3k total). Really minor overall. Within days he admits to me he got a DUi right before I came here and basically drains the rest of my savings, the money to finish shipping all my furniture and stuff out here, to pay for an attorney and additional costs. So now I am not working and my savings is gone. I have to drive him to and from work every day and to any social thing he wants to do as well as my step son around. I am annoyed but he is paying the bills so I figure it is right for me to do. 

I tell him I need money for my car payment and CCs and he gives me car but never gives me my CC payments. I have no money to pay it myself, no family to help, nothing. This continues over a few months, my car being late each time and my CCs not touched at all. My good credit is now blown. I am devastated. 

BTW this is a bit out of order to keep it a bit briefer as it is already long.

One day he tells me he may lose his job as he is not making his CC payments and due to his security clearance he received a warning. Basically fix it or lose your clearance. I ask him why on earth has he not been making his payments and how much is it total. Remember we discussed finances before and I was lead to believe his total CC debt was around 5k. He says he couldn't afford to make the payments and its 15k. I am shocked, devastated. I was also aware he had some shared tax debt with his ex. It was hers as she was 1099 and never paid it but he is on the hook for it. So one day I ask "does the 15k include the taxes?" Im thinking worst case it does not. He has no idea what I am talking about. After some back and forth he never said 15k, I heard him wrong, he said 50k which doesn't include the 7k plus in taxes. I lost my mind. I don't mean I yelled I just died inside. Upon further conversation a few days later after a lot of tequilla that first night on my part I asked him why he didn't tell me this. His response was that he was making the payments fine so it wasn't a big deal. Um ya me being part of 60k in debt IS a big deal. I was upset over 15! He really just didn't get why I was upset since he was making the payments. So now there is that issue going on. 

On top of it he had a vasectomy years ago. He told me, in detail, that he found out 100% that through his insurance the reversal and 2 rounds of fertility treatments if that didn't work are covered. I used to work in insurance, I know insurance, this is never covered, but he has insurance from being Air Force and it does tend to cover insane stuff other insurance doesn't, so after asking 100 different ways I believed him when he said it did.

It doesn't. So now I have a husband who is 60k in debt, insurance doesn't cover the reversal and thanks to the 60k we can't afford it cash. He has a teenager who is lovely but a pain in the butt teenager as they all are and he refuses to discipline the child in any way. I have been around him and the kid many times prior I never saw this. He *****es about something the kid does at most and there are never any consequences. The kid sits and plays video games 15 hours a day and does nothing else at all. Piles the sink with dishes and literally sits playing games while I clean around him. Its annoying. The kid is 15 and won't even wash his hands when he does to the bathroom. Brushes his teeth maybe once a week and showers only when it is demanded. He is in NO way delayed or anything just the laziest human being on the planet. He chose the tiny (barely office sized) bedroom instead of the really cool huge attic bedroom because it is "2 steps closer to the kitchen" and I do quote. 

I love this man but obviously I have to leave right? When I try to talk seriously he gets mad and it deteriorates. WE have such great communication but he clearly feels ashamed, embarrassed etc so he just shuts down.

We got a little into it tonight as we were supposed to have date night at home and he spent the whole time chatting with his son. I want him to talk to his son but he never gives me a minute of alone time and I asked for just one night. The man just lies down and starts snoring. Like it matters not to him. Meanwhile Ill be up all night then have to wake up at the crack of dawn to drive him to work. I am so at the end of my rope. I was so lied to! He claims he didnt know these things would happen, he really thought the insurance did cover it, he was paying bills. He won't pay mine because mine are why it went wrong...ya not his DUi. What do i do??? I feel trapped with no money in BFE hick town nowhere. I feel like he has me hostage.


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## LostMama18 (May 28, 2018)

I’m in one hell of a mess myself but I’m learning. I don’t think I’ll advise you on what to do but I do have some questions. 

Did you both disclose your debt balances to one another? If so, and he completely lied, would annulment be an option? Is there someone back “home” you could stay with until you get on your feet if you want to leave?

As for the teen, having been the biological parent in my relationship, it’s been a constant work in progress. He had called my children lazy at times. At times I’ve seen his point and agreed while other times I look at him and think, you realize they aren’t soldiers, right? Communication is huge there too. My advise is talk to him about it and don’t attack his parenting style or child. Also, does the teen EVER do any kind of household or yard work? If he hasn’t and your husband agrees to implement a chore list of sorts, be prepared. The kid will know why and it’ll be your fault. That’s a whole new kind of drama in its own. I’m not saying let it go, but be prepared that it will not be an easy battle. I’m thankful I didn’t have this problem but I watch it destroy a blender family they did experience it. 

I know you said your communication is great, and ma’am I mean no disrespect, but your communication is hog wash if the man is 50k in debt and you weren’t aware of it... ya know? And he didn’t disclose the DUI incident. Then the “misunderstanding “ about the vasectomy cost/insurance benefits. 

I won’t say I think you should leave or stay. But I would sit him down and tell him you feel like you were completely mislead and it’s placed some doubt in your mind about how successful (or not) this marriage will be. I mean, do you trust him now? Do you want to have a baby with a man that you can’t trust?


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

@GalFriday, I see that you have a lot of emotions and questions, and understandably so! Your original post is not clear regarding some important timelines. Can you please clarify:

1. How long have you and your H been together as a couple?

2. Did you ever live together prior to this latest move?

3. When you say you moved to where he was living post-divorce, whose divorce do you mean? And when did it happen?

On the one hand, it sounds like you really haven't spent that much time with your guy or known him very well for very long. It is hard to understand how you didn't know about his son's laziness and poor hygiene, or the small town to which he moved, or the dramatically high level of debt that he has, unless you haven't spent all that much time with him and his child in real life.

On the other hand, you say in your OP that you and your h have been together for a few years including time in which you were in the same location.

This being TAM, I have to ask you- were and your now H in an affair while he was married? This would explain how you could have "been together" for a long time yet you have so little real world experience with him, and it also would explain why you were so trusting of him to make a huge move, using your savings and going without first securing a job, to be near him without ever going to see where he was living first.

If you were not in an affair and you lived together beforehand, has anything else dramatic happened recently? Has your H been deployed/in an accident/suffered a trauma, which might explain his current poor decisions? 

It will help provide better suited advice if you can clarify the timelines and provide more information.


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