# Staying for the kids, and I hate it!



## JPL (Sep 11, 2014)

Im 37/M, wife is 41, married for 8.5 years. Dated for 3 months before that. Two daughters, ages 8 and 5.
On our honeymoon I heard that little voice that said "this isn't right, you don't know her" but I chalked it up to nerves and stress. 
We were married it seems as it was the "next step" to take, and I believed then and now that she is a great person.
I love her but aren't "in love" with her,.
We practically live seperate lives, with me mostly spending time alone on the weekends and her spending with her large family. ( I should mention she comes from a large Hispanic family and I'm white) I will sometimes go along once in awhile, more often than not I want to relax on the weekends. She tells them most of our problems and they can be cold with me.
We have seperate accounts which I HATE. She refuses to combine accounts, says she's broke but then comes home with $250 of groceries. 
She says she loves me but I don't believe it snd she doesn't show it unless she wants something.
She has offered to file for divorce many times but I always beg her no, due to my fear of money problems, visitation and shame.
We seperated for two weeks this summer at her insistence for many reasons (no cheating). I didn't miss her, but it was HELL being away from my girls so I came home on a day off while she was at work. She was happy to see me but it was shortlived
Counseling didn't help, I can't make myself feel something.
I often daydream about being with another woman, but the bottom line is I'm afraid of the effects on my kids and not always being able to see them. 
I'm at the end of my rope. I'm terrified of spending the rest of my life like this! I'm only 37...


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Staying for the kids is a pretty poor reason, IMHO. You're setting a horrible example for them, and passing by your one chance in life. If she's not interested in working to fix things with you, get out with the best agreement you can buy. Because your marriage is over when the kids are out of the house anyways, right?

What kind of separation/custody agreement did you have while you were separated?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JPL (Sep 11, 2014)

PBear said:


> Staying for the kids is a pretty poor reason, IMHO. You're setting a horrible example for them, and passing by your one chance in life. If she's not interested in working to fix things with you, get out with the best agreement you can buy. Because your marriage is over when the kids are out of the house anyways, right?
> 
> What kind of separation/custody agreement did you have while you were separated?
> 
> ...



Thank you for your reply.
I've read the pros and cons of staying and going. 
I do realize that once the kids are gone before too long it'll be just the two of us, and right now that's a scary thought.
The next time she mentions divorce, I'll call her bluff and tell her to file. After all if she's mentioning it its on her mind.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

And what will you do if she files? Are you prepared for that?

C


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Staying for the kids seems like the noble, right thing to do, but it isnt. Not only are you setting a terrible example of marriage for them to mirror once they are grown, you are making a toxic environment for them to have to live in. Kids KNOW when their parents dont like or respect each other, even if they are not blatantly fighting in front of them. Give them the credit, and the happy parents, that they deserve.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree, with the way you feel about your wife, staying is not a good idea and it's not noble. 

You can set up a home of your own. Go for 50% custody.

That way at least your daughters learn that this is not what a marriage should be. If you stay, you are teaching them that this is all they can expect in a marriage. Do you really want this to be the lesson you teach them?


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Imagine for a moment that one of your dd is grown and married and comes to you to tell you that she just can't stand her husband, that they have nothing in common, no love, no feelings, and that she will stay in this relationship for another 13 years. Is that what you want?

Kids want their parents to be happy. They want their parent's to take control of their world and make it better.


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## Idyit (Mar 5, 2013)

With respect to the other posters, I would like to spin this another way. Delaying or postponing the dissolution of your marriage because you have kids is not a terrible idea. Flat spinning in a bad relationship with or without kids IS a terrible idea.

Have you tried to understand what your differences are? Have you two been to counseling? Have you worked on improving you? Have you considered that there may be some issues with her that need to be addressed? If you've done little or none of this and have no plan or resolve to fix the problems, then yes, staying is a terrible idea.

~ Passio


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## JPL (Sep 11, 2014)

Hello everyone, thank you for taking the time to respond.
Yes I have a plan should she present me with papers.
I'm sure she'd go back to living with her mother ( where we all lived from 2010-2012). That in itself presented major problems.
I would fight for 50/50 custody for sure. My sisters BF has such an arrangement and he has the kids from wed/sat and isn't required to pay child support. He is the only divorced man I've ever heard of with such an arrangement. Granted he and his wife divorced while the kids were very young snd it's all they've ever known.
We tried counseling for about 6 weeks and it was awful! 
Of course, it was ALL about me and how bad I am, while she acknowledged no blame on her part at all. The counselor was an arrogant prick, I don't want to go back again, it seemed like a waste of time.
The bottom line is that I want to be happy, like she does like everyone does.
Please pray for me, it'll get worse before it gets better.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

JPL said:


> I would fight for 50/50 custody for sure. My sisters BF has such an arrangement and he has the kids from wed/sat and isn't required to pay child support. He is the only divorced man I've ever heard of with such an arrangement. Granted he and his wife divorced while the kids were very young snd it's all they've ever known.


If there is a large disparity between your incomes, even with 50/50 custody there can be child support.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

JPL said:


> She has offered to file for divorce many times but I always beg her no, due to my fear of money problems, visitation and shame.


You only have one life. And you aren't being a proper parent to your kids if you are edging onto depression. If you set up your own home that you love without a woman you don't love, you'll be happier. And then when you do have your kids, you'll be able to raise them in a better environment.

Before you get to that point, though, you should have tried to do some things to fix your marriage. Have you read His Needs Her Needs? Get it today. It's vital. And it sounds like she's strong and you're weak - do you back down a lot? Why? Start going to IC to fix that; and read No More Mr. Nice Guy. 

No decisions until you've read both books and gone to IC, ok?


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

This happened to a client/friend of mine. He's early 50's, she's mid 50's, two kids, both out of the house now (early to mid 20's), and he informed me a couple of months ago that they're getting a divorce - with the kids out of the house, they realized that they have nothing to talk about as their whole life has been about the kids. 

This is what I fear about our marriage - we have just about nothing at all in common (in addition to having absolutely zero sex life) and I like it much better when she's not around as things are much less stressful, plus I don't have to have a conversation with her, as talking to her is like talking to a 12 year old.


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## ZTV23 (Sep 24, 2014)

I have 5 younger kids 6-13, and I am staying for there sake, they love us both, but I am going crazy too due to her past mistakes.

Are you all saying we would be better off leaving?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

There are MANY ways you guys can fix your marriages. Start looking.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

ZTV23 said:


> I have 5 younger kids 6-13, and I am staying for there sake, they love us both, but I am going crazy too due to her past mistakes.
> 
> Are you all saying we would be better off leaving?


I would say a lot depends on your situation. Blanket statements help nobody. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JPL (Sep 11, 2014)

Thank you again for your replies. I will confess my feeling, let it on the table and see what happens. 
I doubt the kids would suffer from lack of love or attention, due to her family and mine too. 
Yes, I do tend to back down a lot. I go along to get along. I have to pick my battles, like anyone.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So...you are going to do NOTHING to read and learn about how to make a marriage better? You'll just sit there like a lump on a log and let whatever happens, happen? Great role model.


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## JPL (Sep 11, 2014)

No, don't misunderstand me. I make myself better as a parent. 
It's not perfect of course but that's why I'm here. 
But what do you suggest be done when you're not in love with you're spouse?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You start educating yourself on why marriages go sour, you read books, you read articles, you go to a therapist, you learn to be an alpha male to get what you want out of your marriage, you fill out Love Buster and Emotional Needs questionnaires to learn more about each other, you start having real conversations and being on the same team instead of adversaries. You do something!


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## JPL (Sep 11, 2014)

Thank you for the information. I'll see how it goes.


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