# what do you think



## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Ok, so I think that husband must still be in fog? We had our first scheduled talk last night, didn't go that well. He isn't sure if he can get over what we did, he keeps looking at our failures in our marriage and doesn't trust that our future could be better. He wonders if he's just better off completely alone, and me with a guy that loves animals, etc.

He keeps looking at his parents failed marriage, his mother cheated on his father but they stayed married for another 10 years after until his mother filed for Divorce. Told him it was his parents fault for not really addressing the issues and fixing them, and that his parents marriage has nothing to do with ours.

He thinks this complete 180 that I have done isn't going to last, he said it's like a person completely changing their dna and it's impossible. He wonders if we are just fundamentally incompatible, he does love me and if we don't stay together, that he's sure a part of him will always love me...I am just not understanding him, I acknowledge how he could come up with stuff, but I just don't understand it. He wants a simple life, welll then let's do it. Some of my past faults were just going ahead and doing stuff like buying stuff for house repairs and putting us in debt, because our first house was ugly inside, he wanted to wait, I have had a tendency to focus on one thing and just keep moving forward until I either get it or get it done, which can be a blessing and a curse. He has a tendency to say what he wants but not enforcing himself or stand up for himself.

Well basically it's all stuff that's in the past, things that I am going to change in myself, today it's just tempting to let it all go. To get rid of the limbo, get rid of the pain, I don't know how long I give him to sort himself out to make a decision, I just don't know.

I feel that he's using my mistakes against me, it's so easy to get into the I did this b/c you didn't do this or b/c you did that, I feel that I am currently being punished for all of my past mistakes, maybe I am wrong.

Think he's in the fog? or a combo of depression/fog, whaddya think?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

He's got to stop blaming you for it all. He is partly to blame for where you guys are at right now, Para. He has had multiple EAs and has cheated on you and doesnt want to give up contact with these other women. Not cool. You at least have owned your half of the BS and ended contact w/ OM.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

remind me, how far past DDay are you ?


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Let's see, first EA and second EA/PA (which happened right in front of me), approx 5 months, the first EA was an online friendship, second EA was the swap wife, third EA I discovered at the end of February. He has not been in contact with second or third woman. Third woman was his hs gf, he refuses to delete her off of his phone, I am positive there has been no contact with this one.

The second woman I know there hasn't been in contact with, the first one there was some texting on Saturday that I discovered, no phone contact or fb contact.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

I'm really sorry.

As long as you have been reading these stories here and as educated as your probably are by now about all issues regarding infidelity, and matters of broken marriages... I think you already know the answers to all of your questions. From the outside, these things look clear and fairly "classic"...


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

that's what I was thinking when I wrote the post, I was just curious for other perspective, it's cold and rainy outside, and I am just really down right now lol. I just don't know what to do anymore.


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## jdb3 (Mar 21, 2011)

paramore - I know how you feel  My H has been having an affair for almost 4 months now. Sometimes he tells me he has broken things off with her but then I find out he hasn't. EVERYTHING is my fault these days when it comes to him. I feel like I just can't do or say anything right. But I'm refusing to let it get me down because I truly believe he is in the fog and it's all just his rationalizing of the damage he has done to our marriage and our family.


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## JazzTango2Step (Apr 4, 2011)

paramore said:


> that's what I was thinking when I wrote the post, I was just curious for other perspective, it's cold and rainy outside, and I am just really down right now lol. I just don't know what to do anymore.


You just needed to vent  And thats perfectly ok. You don't have to ask a question to post. Simply venting and asking for someone to read/listen is reason enough to post. This forum isn't just about questions and answers (really? answers? what are those!) but its about support too.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

he is shifting blame on you to make himself feel better. He knows you owned up to your mistakes but he chooses to hold it over your head for his own selfish reasons. It's like power to him. But, all of our cheating spouses do it. They all demonize us to make themselves feel better. Last night after I confronted my H after finding out he was indeed sleeping with "just a friend", he called me fat and told me I meant nothing to him (nevermind that "just a friend" is a good 2 sizes heavier than me) Just keep doing your 180. It takes time to work but keep it going.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> he is shifting blame on you to make himself feel better. He knows you owned up to your mistakes but he chooses to hold it over your head for his own selfish reasons. It's like power to him.


This x 1000


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I agree, that's exactly what he is doing, this fog is just getting so tiring, I have been checking the amounts he texts, like for his mobile 2 mobile and mycircle texts, went from 398 to 546, and even though I know it's not either one of these women, it makes me wonder who he is texting. I know very well it is more than likely his brother, maybe mother, sisters, guy friends, but still it's a massive trigger. 

I feel confident most days that he will come around, but when he makes comments like sometimes he fantasizes about having his own place so he can just be alone, it gets very discouraging. Hopefully this fog disappears and he can actually take some charge of himself and work himself out of this depression. I know it is very likely he will walk away, but on the other hand, it's very likely he will not. It just gets very emotionally draining. 

This morning I log onto my fb, my daughters page had been disabled so she made a new one and sent me a request, I mentioned this to husband, as I saw he had been a mutual friend, and I know that she had just made the page last night, she was at my sisters house. I said E sent me a friend request, he was like oh really? I said well you are a mutual friend of course you would know, he was playing dumb. I know for a fact he was on after I went to bed because I saw his recent activity, why play dumb? Massively frustrating, I wonder if he was getting the first EA's phone number again, and I sit and wonder, gee was he chatting with S? You know the same old song and dance. I looked on his phone when he was in the bath, the first EA's number was not on there, but he could have written it down and put it in his wallet, see he feels the need to explain things to this woman, as I had told her that my husband was continuing this behavior. Grrrrr, and damn it, why won't it quit raining?


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

but when he makes comments like sometimes he fantasizes about having his own place so he can just be alone--

He says that to get your goat. Do NOT give him the goat.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

lol, you know what, you mention the goat, we have 3 that I think I may have to get rid of, we had the sheriff stop by cuz someone called and complained they were on the road hahaha.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I am still reviewing the comment he made, "I just don't know if I can ever get over the swap." Why is it that guys have so much more trouble with forgiveness than women??? He and the stupid wife are the ones that initiated it all, even though he says he never wanted it to happen, why did he start it first then? They were the ones text messaging each other, and I know for a face he sent her a picture of his chest and stomach, and that's one that I know of.....I do believe on some level he feels gross and disgusted with himself, why is it so much harder for him to get over than me?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You have three goats!? LOL. That is hilarious!

Maybe he can't get over the "swap" but he was a part of it, too, not to mention multiple EAs.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Yup we do lol, I just don't understand how he doesn't think he may not be able to, that's bs in my opinion. He was just as big a factor as I, and I have the capacity to forgive. I have suggested he continue IC, he doesn't think he really needs it, thinks he can work through this stuff on his own, I do not believe he can, but I guess that's him.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Para, I'm not sure why the hypocrisy is there either. My ex-h was the same too. Said he'd never forgive me ever and downplayed his cruising for sex/cheating on me.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Hopefully he can, because unless he can find that capacity, we don't have a chance in hell.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

I'm sorry, Sounds like the concrete has set. 

All of the excuses and explainations that he gives you and you struggle to understand and comes to terms with are smoke and mirrors... They aren't ever going to be understood. They aren't _your_ real or the real. They are.._his real. _

Maybe you figure out a way to make him look inside himself and realize _the truth_... but the moment he does... Unless he wants to see.. He will find a way to make a new rationalization, a new reason, a new truth, more "shields"... Then you have to fight that one?... 

His mind will fight against you trying to "open" his eyes if he doesnt want to open them.. He's is not going to allow you to break down _"his reality"_... He must "take it down" himself... Only by his own free will can this ever happen. I don't think he wants to do that. 

In his reality, it's over. As long as he holds on to that, he's not doing anything wrong and everything that's not your fault from the past he has found a way to forgive himself for...

JMHO.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yeah, Para... if he isn't willing to forgive you, then you are always going to be in a relationship where he's going to hold it against you. That is no way to live. 

I agree with Pits.. he is just using excuses/rationalizing away other feelings he has in order to try to explain his distance/wishy washyness over wanting the marriage or not...


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I am in complete agreeance. All I can do is try to wait out the fog for now, at this point, only time will tell. The thing is now, how long am I willing to wait it out. On the positive though, once our insurance gets figured out, he is still willing to go to couples therapy, and we are gonna go out to lunch by ourselves sometime this weekend, maybe some stuff like this will help, I guess I am going to try to enjoy my time with him the best that I can. He still does, not often, but show me affection on his own, I see the way he looks at me sometimes, and he does look at me at times the way he used to, I don't think it's down for the count yet, we shall see.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

paramore said:


> lol, you know what, you mention the goat, we have 3 that I think I may have to get rid of,


Any kids (the hairy four-legged kind)? There's a house down the road that has a bunch of goats. There was a little white kid out there this past weekend. We had to stop and look at it. My kids (2-legged kind) thought it was the cutest thing they ever saw.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Our youngest goat is only a couple of years old, but we got him when he was just a baby, the baby goats are some of the darn cutest things you ever say, and btw, I came home to the neighbors cat giving birth on our front porch floor, she is presently still in labor lol.


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