# I'm new here and need help



## fuzzybottom (Jul 16, 2014)

Thank you to everyone for listening and giving me a chance to talk about my problems. I feel like I'm being eaten alive from the inside.

My husband and I have been married for just under 2 years. He's fantastic and I love him with all my heart. He loves me. A few weeks ago I received a Facebook message from an old high school boyfriend who said he would be in my city for his job and wanted to know if I wanted to have some drinks. We've been on good terms, this ex and I and we occasionally talk through Facebook in a plutonic way. I agreed to go but said I would make sure it was ok with my husband. 

My husband was hesitant but ultimately said it was ok. So Monday night we went out. Had a nice time and chatted about our spouses and jobs and families. No funny business ensued. I came home that night and apparently going out with my ex hurt my husband in ways I never imagined. 

He couldn't stop thinking of it as a "date" and his low self esteem led to him comparing himself to this ex, and comparing our dates to the "date" with the ex. He was hurt that I would even consider going out with an ex. He said it isn't something he would ever consider doing. I don't feel like I did anything wrong but I'm devastated that I hurt my husband so much. It wasn't my intention to. Did I hurt my husband or is his low self esteem hurting him?

He's sad and angry and keeps thinking that my going out with an ex boyfriend was my way of telling him he's not adequate enough. He says how on earth could I let my ex boyfriend pay for our dinner and drinks but not let my husband do the same? 

I'm lost. I don't understand what's happening. Any advice would be so much appreciated. Thanks for listening.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

He shouldn't have agreed to it, but if he'd said no, it'd look like he didn't trust you, is controlling, etc. This a trap the modern man falls into. Say no, and you're a caveman. Say yes, and be miserable.

Did you try to invite your husband? couldn't you tell he didn't want you to go? were you too excited to see your ex?

and you shouldn't have let your ex pay, that's date behavior.

you two need to discuss boundaries, and he needs to be clear with what he wants.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

When you say he 'ultimately' said it was ok, were you badgering him to give you his blessing?

Why did you want to meet up with an ex? And why without your husband?

Past relationships belong in the past. Your husband is hurt and, yes, he could have stated his feelings more forcefully and you could have picked up on his hesitancy from the get-go.

Ask him if he wants you to stop communicating with your ex and tell him you will happily do so.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

#1 lay off facebook, it only allows people that have no part of your life to contact you and BECOME part of your life. They have that option/choice at the tip of their fingers. 

Now onto the REAL issues.

Why in the world are you talking to your EX. That is SO disrespectful and inappropriate. In most relationship it's a boundry.

There is absolutely NO reason for you to keep contact with him either. 

Fact that you went out with him is just ridicules, I'm sorry.

Take a look in the mirror and ask yourself "what in the world am I doing or thinking. How did I allow myself to do this and sabotage my own marriage."

Your husband lost a LOT of respect for you just by you asking to go out with him. He accepted cause he didn't want to be controlling etc.....but deep inside he knew there is trouble.

THEN you have to think about your Ex's position as well. What do you REALLY think your Ex's goal is by meeting you? Please tell me you don't think it's just a friend thing or something along the line.......he simply WANTS YOU.

Put yourself in your husband's shoes, how would you feel if he was chating up his ex on facebook and meeting them?

Yeah

You have LOTS of work to do in your marriage and yourself.....seriously.

If my wife was to pull this, she would probably come back to an empty house (and yes, I would let her go too). That is SO messed up.

My advice to you would be to recognize what you did wrong and apologize to NO end to your husband. He needs to know that your communications and event were totally disrespectful and inappropriate for you to do so. 

Then you take a look at yourself and figure out what lead you to this and why. That's the REAL issue you need to think about and address.

And for god's sakes, stay off Facebook.


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## fuzzybottom (Jul 16, 2014)

That's what my husband said as well... the man paying is date behavior. I objected to having my ex pay and he insisted so I caved in. My husband says I emasculated him by letting my ex pay for dinner but a lot of times not letting my own husband pay for dinner (as I worry about our finances and saving money, etc.)

I knew that this was making my husband uncomfortable, but I didn't know it was truly hurting him. In hindsight, I should have invited my husband. I was excited to catch up with someone I consider a friend and not an ex, but not "excited" in the way you may mean? Not any non-plutonic excitement. 

I agree about boundaries. Thanks for your reply, you definitely bring some insight into my thought process.


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## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

I'll call in our old friend Bullshift.
99.995469% of the time, people keep exes in play in an effort to keep them on a back burner. The heat may be very low..and it may be a very very back back back burner, but its a burner. reidwright was exactly right. Your husband was put in a bad spot. 

My opinion is that you like having an ex as a safety blanket for when and if things hit the fan with your current husband. otherwise you would have politely declined or invited your husband. 

I'm sorry if this is harsh. My wife has communicated with her ex on facebook, crossing boundaries. She communicated with him more when we were having other issues. Or maybe her feelings for him were resurfacing helping drive issue between us. I'm not sure which came first. So I caviat my whole reponse with this.

This is a classic case of "you knew it was wrong and you know exactly why you met up with him". Platonic friendships wish people you slept with previously. Say that out loud and think about it for a minute.


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## fuzzybottom (Jul 16, 2014)

Thank you everyone for your advice, even if it's hard for me to hear. I truly will ask myself these questions and take a hard look at myself.

I'm naive to believe something like this wouldn't have hurt my husband. It kills me inside.

I went to therapy yesterday and am going back today. My husband and I are scheduled to go together next week.

Thank you again everyone.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Write a no contact letter to him then print it up and show your husband.
Again if this was the other way around and he was talking to an old flame then went out with her you now you would be hurt.


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## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

fuzzybottom said:


> Thank you everyone for your advice, even if it's hard for me to hear. I truly will ask myself these questions and take a hard look at myself.
> 
> I'm naive to believe something like this wouldn't have hurt my husband. It kills me inside.
> 
> ...


If you dig into your soul, is there something left for your ex?

My guess is there is, but have you considered this?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Drinks? With an ex lover? it does sound a bit hairy.

He shouldn't have agreed if he had a problem with it, and my bet is most men would probably not be into their wife doing this. 

Did your ex at all try to flirt with your say anything un-platonic? Just curious.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Not trying to pile on here. Just want to give you another female perspective. I wouldn't do that to my H and would be devastated if he even asked if I was ok with him doing it. 

Full disclosure : my H is my one and only so I don't have any exes


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Have you genuinely apologized for this?

Have you said you were sorry you hurt his feelings? Have you validated his point of view he was coerced into saying yes? Have you told him his love means the world to you and although you meant to catch up with an old friend, you see now it looks really bad?

What's done is done. Reassure him you're not going anywhere and it was a lack of consideration on your part. Which won't happen again.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

committed4ever said:


> Not trying to pile on here. Just want to give you another female perspective. I wouldn't do that to my H and would be devastated if he even asked if I was ok with him doing it.


I'd feel the same as you, committed.

And I post as someone who, while in relationship, did stay friendly with an someone I had a romantic past with. It was DOOM. So I learned not to do that ever again. It doesn't lead to anything good. Least that was my experience.


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## fuzzybottom (Jul 16, 2014)

I'm sure this changes no one's mind, and it doesn't excuse my behavior.

I just want everyone to know I speak to my ex via facebook maybe 4 times a year. I never bring extramarital info into our conversation (me and my husband are having problems, etc.) I don't "confide" in him. I realize that's inappropriate behavior. I truly don't feel like I keep him on the "back burner." I'm not interested in him that way any longer... I have no desire for him to fill a void that my husband may create. I don't go running to him if I'm having a fight with my husband. As for him, maybe I'm his back burner. I don't know. He hasn't displayed any behavior thus far to suggest that, but a lot of people have suggested that him merely approaching me to go out is displaying back burner behavior. I understand that, but didn't see that before.


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## fuzzybottom (Jul 16, 2014)

Yes to all your questions Revamped. Yes I genuinely apologized to him many times for hurting him. I've also verbally recognized that I put him into an impossible situation. I told him I truly saw the act as harmless catching up with an old friend, but I now see how it doesn't look that way.



Revamped said:


> Have you genuinely apologized for this?
> 
> Have you said you were sorry you hurt his feelings? Have you validated his point of view he was coerced into saying yes? Have you told him his love means the world to you and although you meant to catch up with an old friend, you see now it looks really bad?
> 
> What's done is done. Reassure him you're not going anywhere and it was a lack of consideration on your part. Which won't happen again.


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## fuzzybottom (Jul 16, 2014)

Jellybeans, nope no flirting occurred or anything un-platonic. He talked about his family, his job and how college was for him. I talked about the same sort of thing. We talked some television and music. I told him what my husband and I like to do for fun. I asked him what it was like to have twin girls. Overall, I felt like it was pretty "standard catch up talk."




Jellybeans said:


> Drinks? With an ex lover? it does sound a bit hairy.
> 
> He shouldn't have agreed if he had a problem with it, and my bet is most men would probably not be into their wife doing this.
> 
> Did your ex at all try to flirt with your say anything un-platonic? Just curious.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

fuzzybottom said:


> Thank you everyone for your advice, even if it's hard for me to hear. I truly will ask myself these questions and take a hard look at myself.
> 
> I'm naive to believe something like this wouldn't have hurt my husband. It kills me inside.
> 
> ...


good for you/good to hear

Don't worry, everyone makes mistakes. As long as we learn from them and have our partners by us, it's ok.

Last week you are in a group of MILLIONS of people that think having relationships with ex is ok. Today, you are at a completely opposite end.

You are in a better place now and thankfully nothing happened. Learn from it.

Remember, no MAN will want to be your friend if they are not attracted to you or want to bang you.  I don't think male/female friendships are possible for that reason.

And yes, there is ALWAYS an exception to the rule above.


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## fuzzybottom (Jul 16, 2014)

Hi Blondilocks, I didn't badger him. I would say I asked him the question, he hesitated for 5-10 seconds, then said it was ok.

I wanted to meet up with my ex because to me it's fun to catch up with people you knew when you were young. I like to see how people have grown, what their lives are like now, what their worldview is now.

In hindsight I think it would have been a good idea to invite my husband. I wish I would've. 




Blondilocks said:


> When you say he 'ultimately' said it was ok, were you badgering him to give you his blessing?
> 
> Why did you want to meet up with an ex? And why without your husband?
> 
> ...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

DoF said:


> Remember, no MAN will want to be your friend if they are not attracted to you or want to bang you.  I don't think male/female friendships are possible for that reason.


So the guy who keeps hitting me up on social media really doesn't care about who I had in my world cup brackets?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

fuzzybottom said:


> Jellybeans, nope no flirting occurred or anything un-platonic. He talked about his family, his job and how college was for him. I talked about the same sort of thing. We talked some television and music. I told him what my husband and I like to do for fun. I asked him what it was like to have twin girls. Overall, I felt like it was pretty "standard catch up talk."


I'm glad you were appropriate with him, and sounds like he was too. 

But at the end of the day, I have a feeling you knew there was just nothing left between you 2. 

And your husband will ALWAYS struggle to believe above and always have certain level of doubt that something might have happened.

Above is reason #532423 why relationship with ex's are a big no no. Too much risk and just not worth it in the end.

I know SO many people that have "friendships" with their ex and wonder why they can't find someone special. Well, what man will date a woman (or other way around) knowing they are still "friends" with their ex?

I know I wouldn't. So for you to do it WHILE married is a HUGE no no.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> So the guy who keeps hitting me up on social media really doesn't care about who I had in my world cup brackets?



Ohh, he cares about what's in your bracket alright.



Just not the world cup one....maybe, a little, if it gets him closer to the goal......


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

:rofl:

He's hot so it's allll good,.

Fuzzy: the good thing is you and your husband have had a conversation about this. Now you know how he feels and how you feel about it. Learn from this and move forward.


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## fuzzybottom (Jul 16, 2014)

If I dig into my soul, there's nothing romantic left for my ex. Like I said in a previous post, it interests me to learn what my old friends are up to, what their worldview is, etc. I wish him well but don't want to be with him.

I love my life, love my husband. I'm not interested in my ex and haven't been for 15 years.



BostonBruins32 said:


> If you dig into your soul, is there something left for your ex?
> 
> My guess is there is, but have you considered this?


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## fuzzybottom (Jul 16, 2014)

DoF, I'm definitely coming to that conclusion. Too much risk and just not worth it in the end when it hurts the person you really love. I sure wish I had acted differently.




DoF said:


> I'm glad you were appropriate with him, and sounds like he was too.
> 
> But at the end of the day, I have a feeling you knew there was just nothing left between you 2.
> 
> ...


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

fuzzybottom said:


> DoF, I'm definitely coming to that conclusion. Too much risk and just not worth it in the end when it hurts the person you really love. I sure wish I had acted differently.


Live and learn.

It becomes an issue and breaks marriages when people don't recognize these things or learn from them.

So you are ahead of the curve as it is.

:smthumbup:

And accept that without facebook, NONE of this would EVER happen. . Personally I don't like for people to be able to contact me whenever they want, especially those that play 0 role in my life. I've never used ANY social media over the years.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

There's a reason he was an ex. Apparently you dont believe in that reason. So, he's not really an ex. 

Perhaps you should encourage him to connect and go on "dates" with one of his ex too. Let his ex pay and entertain him.

Then if or when you feel uncomfortable, tell yourself you have low self-esteem. 

See how that works. Consideration is a must in a relationship.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

fuzzybottom said:


> Yes to all your questions Revamped. Yes I genuinely apologized to him many times for hurting him. I've also verbally recognized that I put him into an impossible situation. I told him I truly saw the act as harmless catching up with an old friend, but I now see how it doesn't look that way.


Then that's all you really can do at this point. The ball is in his court. To keep making it a big deal on his part could mean there's a deeper issue. A slight hiccup over one evening out shouldn't carry anger and resentment over time. It should just float away as a learning experience. If he doesn't want to forget or forgive, and lord it over you then maybe head to counseling to see what the real issue is.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

One slightly different angle...

Asking for permission, i.e. Would you be ok with this, puts your husband in an impossible spot, as someone said earlier. Plus, you are an adult, you can make your own choices and do not need permission from anyone anyway.

Instead, ask him how he'd feel about it. You give him the opportunity to tell you exactly where he stands without having to deal with all the hurt associated with actually doing it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

aug said:


> Perhaps you should encourage him to connect and go on "dates" with one of his ex too. Let his ex pay and entertain him.
> 
> Then if or when you feel uncomfortable, tell yourself you have low self-esteem.
> 
> See how that works. Consideration is a must in a relationship.


I'm sensing some bitterness in this post.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

I have a question about exes in general since I never had one. I'm going to post it in a new thread.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

fuzzybottom said:


> Hi Blondilocks, I didn't badger him. I would say I asked him the question, he hesitated for 5-10 seconds, then said it was ok.
> 
> I wanted to meet up with my ex because to me it's fun to catch up with people you knew when you were young. I like to see how people have grown, what their lives are like now, what their worldview is now.
> 
> *In hindsight I think it would have been a good idea to invite my husband. I wish I would've*.


I suppose this would be better than what happened, but I really think the best would have been taking the responsibility yourself, making your own decision to say no thanks without looking to your husband for permission.

The complicated dynamic at play here is that you and your ex were talking and made tentative plans together. Then you approached your husband for permission to go out with another man. He was put in the position to be the bad guy...he says no, you can turn around to your ex and say my husband wouldn't let me...absolving yourself of any adult decision making. You should have been an adult and made your own decision.

When friends ask me to do something, and if my wife and I already have plans, or I know she wanted to do something, or we hadn't spent much time together lately and I wanted to be with her, I NEVER throw her under the bus with things like "My wife won't let me," or even "I'll have to check with my wife." Both of those things shift the blame onto her, when the decision is mine, and I take responsibility for my own decisions. I also use my wife and our marriage as the filter for my decisions...is this good for her and my marriage?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

To add to above, it comes down to priorities.

OP cancelled something with her husband to be with another man. Clearly priorities were ALL wrong.

This only deepens his feelings about the ENTIRE situation.

I feel bad for the guy....


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

If my wife did this, for me, just the mere fact that she would even ask me if I minded would not sit well. Either tentative plans had ALREADY been made, or she would have been taking initiative to meet up with an ex. I would want my wife to put on her big girl panties deal with it herself and tell the guy no thanks and not even drag me into it.


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## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> If my wife did this, for me, just the mere fact that she would even ask me if I minded would not sit well. Either tentative plans had ALREADY been made, or she would have been taking initiative to meet up with an ex. I would want my wife to put on her big girl panties deal with it herself and tell the guy no thanks and not even drag me into it.


I think this is exactly the right move.

I've read through the original poster's responses. I respect her taking the heat on this, I just still don't believe her. Again, I'm biased because I'm an actions guy. "didnt mean to" or "had no idea" are phrases that should be reserved for 3 year olds. They have no idea about thier consequences. Grown men and women know exactly how feelings work.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

IMO there is never a time when it's ok to catch up with an ex, when you're in a relationship or married. An ex is an ex for a reason, and they should stay in the past.

I wouldn't dream of hurting my husband by meeting up with an ex. It boggles my mind that so many (not here) seem to think it's ok?? Wtf???

DOF - FB isn't the evil you make it out to be. I'm on FB and I love it. People can only contact you and work their way into your life via FB if you allow it. I have no ex's on my friends list, and if one contacted me, my response would be to block them. Not for any other reason than I'm married and it's not appropriate. My husband would do the same.


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## earlyforties (May 3, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> :
> Fuzzy: the good thing is you and your husband have had a conversation about this. Now you know how he feels and how you feel about it. Learn from this and move forward.


Like many people who come to TAM, your eyes have been opened to what you did and you now see it from your h's side and understand about boundaries etc. I don't think many couples get married and discuss a list of boundaries. It's only when something relationship threatening happens that the word comes into play. 

Your h is fortunate that nothing really serious has occurred and you can both sit together and your relationship can really improve from this - it might be the best thing that happened to you both!

Sit together and show him your thread and read other ones to get an idea how easily families and generations beyond are decimated by something so simple as a text, a kiss or a lie.

You were naive, it's ok. Patch things up with h and count yourself as one of the lucky ones.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Yup. You went on a date with your ex. That's on you.

He said he was ok with it because we like to try to be cool with stuff we're not. That's on him.

My recommendation: cut all contact with the ex and let your husband know this. And ask yourself what you are trying to get out of keeping your ex in the picture, however platonically.

And sit down with your husband and let him know that it's not fair for him to OK something and then punish you for it afterward.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

I think everybody is being too hard on you fuzzybottom, including yourself. You didn't do this behind your husband's back. You asked if it was alright, he said yes. He needs to own that he said yes. At the time he may well have meant it and after the fact realized he wasn't alright with it, but you shouldn't feel guilty for having asked or going once he said okay. 

Now that you know he ended up feeling not alright with it, I think you did the right thing by being sensitive to his feelings about it and you can check this off as something not okay with him and something not to do again. But you aren't a horrible person or a bad wife for wanting to do it or asking. I don't agree that communicating with exes is on it's face bad. What's important is the nature of the communication, if you are transparent with your partner about it, and you are sensitive to your partner's needs around it. I think you did everything mostly right here (I'm not clear on whether you set up the time to meet first or asked your husband first - if it's the latter - you did everything right.)

My ex husband told me at one point during our marriage that he was going to have coffee with a woman he had dated a few years back. My hackles went up immediately. He handled it badly - he made the date before he talked to me about it and when I expressed concern over it he got defensive. Not because he had any intentions to do anything inappropriate with her but because he saw it as me not trusting him. I begrudgingly "let" him go so as not to seem like the jealous wife. Later he said that this woman belonged to a motorcycle-riding group and she had invited him to join. He was thinking of going. I wasn't happy about it but he went anyway to show me that I wasn't the boss of him. 

Looking back I honestly believe he wasn't interested in sleeping with her and I didn't really even think so at the time (she was significantly overweight and he didn't find that attractive) - but if he had handled my feelings about it with more sensitivity, i could have been more okay with it. 

I can't honestly say I would be entirely okay with it, but I realize that relationships have to be built on trust. Making a bunch of rules doesn't create trust, it just creates a situation in which somebody starts hiding things.


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