# Sex only when wife wants (not often)



## Mikegp (Mar 12, 2021)

I've been married for 10 years now. We have two kids (8 and 3 years old). We dated for 7 years before marriage and living together, during that time she usually wanted a lot more sex. 
Since we live together and she started working, which happened at the same time, her sex drive and initiative dropped a lot. 
We talked about it several times and she ends up all admitting that she has to correct that and that it's due to working stress and exhaustion (she's a medical doctor). She always says that she has a hard time being relax and concentrated for sex and intimacy at the same time she's tired, stressed and concentrated in work. She actually falls asleep in like 10mins in the couch most days, right after she has dinner. 
She keeps saying she loves me and never wants to lose me and that this issues has nothing to do with me or lack of attraction. 
I know she doesn't have any affair and she never had. The closest thing to that is a colleague she became obsessed 4 years ago because of becoming dependent on him at work (he was kind teacher to her in areas she had lack of knowledge, though he is close to her age), she had nothing with him, not even love or sex messages of talks, just and obsession to see in Facebook, to text him, smell his medical gown (while it laid in the service and she was alone) and once we went on vacations and she cried (she says that she was afraid of loosing her position with him and them being left aside and alone at work with lack of basic knowledge. This was a bad period of our marriage, but it's long gone and the sex issue already existed before. After this episode sex did come back more often, but now it has bounced back again. 
Sex is great by the way, when we do it. She orgasms, we do lots of stuff... No problems. It's just scarce, she's 37 and I'm 40, but we have sex like once a week, once every two weeks. 
Whenever we talk and she admitts that the sex frequency issue should be corrected things get a little better, but them immediately go back to the same... 
Any clues or comments on this?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

She’s paying you lip service, nothing else. She’s certain that you’re going nowhere so why would she change?
Don’t be so quick to believe nothing happened with the other guy, she may have been obsessed with him for longer than you think and she may feel that it’s cheating on him to have sex with you. 
Also she’s in the medical profession which is the number one profession for cheating.
It’s time to judge her by her actions not what she says. I would give her an ultimatum, either she comes to counselling with you or you start divorce proceedings.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I don't want to be alarmist, but if she was obsessed with that doctor to the point of smelling his gown (!) and that was 4 years ago and you have a child who is 3... The math on that would give me some pause..


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

This is an exact duplicate of a thread you have in the men's clubhouse, that already has replies.


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## Mikegp (Mar 12, 2021)

Livvie said:


> I don't want to be alarmist, but if she was obsessed with that doctor to the point of smelling his gown (!) and that was 4 years ago and you have a child who is 3... The math on that would give me some pause..


Come on...


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## Mikegp (Mar 12, 2021)

Andy1001 said:


> She’s paying you lip service, nothing else. She’s certain that you’re going nowhere so why would she change?
> Don’t be so quick to believe nothing happened with the other guy, she may have been obsessed with him for longer than you think and she may feel that it’s cheating on him to have sex with you.
> Also she’s in the medical profession which is the number one profession for cheating.
> It’s time to judge her by her actions not what she says. I would give her an ultimatum, either she comes to counselling with you or you start divorce proceedings.


Nothing happened. That I know, not even was close or on the way. And it's long gone now.
Eventually she may have felt what you said at the time because of being profoundly confused with what was going on.

Do you think she feels so secure that she undermines the relationship? Do you have a feeling that she changes if I would give her a feeling of more insecurity?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Mikegp said:


> Come on...


No woman SMELLS a man's medical gown unless she's insanely attracted to him.


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## Mikegp (Mar 12, 2021)

Livvie said:


> No woman SMELLS a man's medical gown unless she's insanely attracted to him.


He's not attractive, but that was like 4 or 5 years ago. It's not the main issue.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Mike, get your head out of your azz. Whether you like it or not, when a woman likes the smell of a man, she's attracted to him. This cat may well be out of the picture but your idea of attractiveness maybe different, and likely is different, than what your wife thinks is attractive. In your case, its likely she's giving it up less because of job stress. If that's the situation, she either cuts back on the stress or you lean to live with less poon tang.


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## Mikegp (Mar 12, 2021)

VladDracul said:


> Mike, get your head out of your azz. Whether you like it or not, when a woman likes the smell of a man, she's attracted to him. This cat may well be out of the picture but your idea of attractiveness maybe different, and likely is different, than what your wife thinks is attractive. In your case, its likely she's giving it up less because of job stress. If that's the situation, she either cuts back on the stress or you lean to live with less poon tang.


He's fat and short, not pretty at all! She became dependant on him on the job and that became a problem and and obsession since she had to keep this guy close to her and was afraid of being left alone at work... 

But as I said, that's long gone! The issue is somewhat different and existed long before the episode and now exists again.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Mikegp said:


> He's fat and short, not pretty at all! She became dependant on him on the job and that became a problem and and obsession since she had to keep this guy close to her and was afraid of being left alone at work...
> 
> But as I said, that's long gone! The issue is somewhat different and existed long before the episode and now exists again.


Being "afraid of being left alone at work" doesn't equal SMELLING his discarded garments when no one is around. Women don't deliberately inhale the scent of a man unless they are attracted to him.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Your wife is a medical doctor with an 8 year old and a 3 year old. Of course she is going to be exhausted. Do you have a nanny for the children? Does she come home and cook dinner and do the clean-up? How often would you like to have sex?


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

So, this happens A LOT. I think for many women, sex can feel like a quickie, and it's not much fun anymore. I'd say make sex great again. Have a couple of drinks, wine her up, have a few laughs, and all joking aside, if she's open to it, give her some chocolate edibles. Whatever works, right?

Someone gave me chocolate edibles recently (they didn't tell me it was, and I foolishly had 2 pieces). Well, let's just say my husband and I had lots of sex that weekend. Lots.


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## Mikegp (Mar 12, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> Your wife is a medical doctor with an 8 year old and a 3 year old. Of course she is going to be exhausted. Do you have a nanny for the children? Does she come home and cook dinner and do the clean-up? How often would you like to have sex?


I cook dinner and do most of the cleaning and mostly it's me who takes care of children.

Certainly I would enjoy sex more then once a week, or once every two weeks. I think 2 or 3 times a week would be fine.


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## Mikegp (Mar 12, 2021)

Livvie said:


> Being "afraid of being left alone at work" doesn't equal SMELLING his discarded garments when no one is around. Women don't deliberately inhale the scent of a man unless they are attracted to him.


You're too concentrated in an issue of 4 or 5 years ago and that hasn't even meant to actually have intimacy with the person, she never tried to kiss him, have sex with him, she never declared any feelings for him. I don't think you understand the issue and the position she was in and that led to a profound confusion.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

So, this happens A LOT. I think for many women, sex can feel like a quickie, and it's not much fun anymore. I'd say make sex great again. Have a couple of drinks, wine her up, have a few laughs, and all joking aside, if she's open to it, give her some chocolate edibles. Whatever works, right?

Someone gave me chocolate edibles recently (they didn't tell me it was, and I foolishly had 2 pieces). Well, let's just say my husband and I had lots of sex that weekend. Lots.


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## Mikegp (Mar 12, 2021)

GC1234 said:


> So, this happens A LOT. I think for many women, sex can feel like a quickie, and it's not much fun anymore. I'd say make sex great again. Have a couple of drinks, wine her up, have a few laughs, and all joking aside, if she's open to it, give her some chocolate edibles. Whatever works, right?
> 
> Someone gave me chocolate edibles recently (they didn't tell me it was, and I foolishly had 2 pieces). Well, let's just say my husband and I had lots of sex that weekend. Lots.


Drinking makes her sleepy and me too! But thanks for the suggestion, I understand what you mean. 
Those type of approaches work like once but not in a permanent basis.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Mikegp said:


> You're too concentrated in an issue of 4 or 5 years ago and that hasn't even meant to actually have intimacy with the person, she never tried to kiss him, have sex with him, she never declared any feelings for him. I don't think you understand the issue and the position she was in and that led to a profound confusion.


No kind of confusion leads to deliberately snuffing the garment of another man when no one is around except sexual confusion and attraction.


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## Mikegp (Mar 12, 2021)

Livvie said:


> No kind of confusion leads to deliberately snuffing the garment of another man when no one is around except sexual confusion and attraction.


If say so...


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Mikegp said:


> Drinking makes her sleepy and me too! But thanks for the suggestion, I understand what you mean.
> Those type of approaches work like once but not in a permanent basis.


I know..unfortunately that's true.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

Welcome to post-child married life.

It's the way it is because it works for her. She is satisfied and has no reason to change. You can talk, negotiate, face rejection, pout, and scream until you're blue in the face. She might increase access for a bit to keep your hopium levels high. But after a few weeks she'll go back to where she's happy.

Meanwhile, you get to chase a mirage while being told it must be your fault. If you just cooked more, or cleaned more, or improved game ... or ... or ... The truth is, it isn't you. Everyone is responsible for their own priorities, and now that she has her 2 kids sex isn't on her priority list.

I mean, you could try the book "Mating in Captivity". But ultimately, she has to decide that sex being important to you is something important to her.


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## Mikegp (Mar 12, 2021)

DownButNotOut said:


> Welcome to post-child married life.
> 
> It's the way it is because it works for her. She is satisfied and has no reason to change. You can talk, negotiate, face rejection, pout, and scream until you're blue in the face. She might increase access for a bit to keep your hopium levels high. But after a few weeks she'll go back to where she's happy.
> 
> ...


 Thanks for your reply. 

This behavior started before children. It actually started when she started working and we moved in together, so it's hard to understand which one was the cause. She states it's work.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Mikegp said:


> *we have sex like once a week, once every two weeks. *
> Whenever we talk and she admitts that the sex frequency issue should be corrected things get a little better, but them immediately go back to the same...
> Any clues or comments on this?


You need to be aware that pushing someone beyond their desired frequency for sex is equally as bad as withholding and starving someone below their desired frequency. Pushing your wife for more sex may actually serve to reduce and harm what little desire she has. Meanwhile her holding you back likely leaves you feeling frustrated, neglected and possibly resentful.

My advice is that you need to be more willing to enjoy a one-sided session (where she only focuses on you), and you need to try and make yourself easy to please (avoid long and drawn out sessions for this in favor of something quick). Simply allow her to enjoy pleasing you and try and make the process into something where she enjoys being showered in compliments. Eventually she may respond to that and join in the action for a mutually pleasurable session (but give her desire a chance to respond as opposed to you prompting it by trying to stimulate her). Be very willing to please, but give her a chance to want it and ask for it first. 

Aside from that scheduling things will also help a lot as this reduces that anxiety and stress associated with trying to initiate when schedules and energy may be too problematic. If your wife is a doctor she is likely overworked and overstressed. 

It also may not hurt to put additional effort into cooking and diets. Read up on how food and stress are related to make sure you are making meal decisions that help with stress. Too often people crave foods when stressed that tend to compound problems with stress and energy (like spicy junk foods that tend to just upset the digestive system and leave one feeling like trash the next day). 

All the doctors I know as friends tend to make bad decisions on meals just like everyone else! My favorite example is a doctor that is lactose intolerant, so he enjoys his Frosted Flakes cereal in a bowl filled with a can of regular Sprite soft drink. YUMMY! But probably not the best choice for someone with a lot of stress if you read about it. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Manner1067 (Feb 22, 2021)

I think there is a lot more wrong here than the sex.

Your wife's career and time at work are 80% of her life. You and the kids fall into that 20%. The energetic periods of the day are when she is with co-workers and patients, and the exhausted down-time is with you. 

Because her attention wasn't on the marriage, or her husband, it became fixated on a colleague. It doesn't matter that she didn't have physical contact with this guy--she was clearly in love with him. It was an emotional affair at the very least.

My wife and I got busy and lazy years ago, and the sex dropped off a lot. I spoke with her about it and we made more of an effort. Since then, things have been fine. 

It doesn't take a lot of effort to get into the right frame of mind, set aside a little time, and get intimate. If your wife has a hard time doing any of that, it is a big red flag. Everyone can find an excuse for avoiding sex: kids, work, tired, whatever. Happy partners find a way.

I have often seen that when the husband encourages his wife to make more effort and get into a better frame of mind, she then goes to the second tier of excuses, which is "hormones", or some nebulous biological or mental issue. When it gets to that point, she is covering something up, and it's usually an affair.

do NOT do marriage counseling. I don't know what it is like in Portugal, but here in the states it is a waste of time and often does more harm than good. You will end up with a female therapists who will turn everything around on your and you will be gaslighted. 

I would do the following:

1. Start doing a little investigative research. Snoop around a bit, talk to some people, and try to find out if anything is going on. If she says she is going out with a female friend for coffee, verify that.
2. Move into a zero-trust model: don't simply say "she couldn't possibly be cheating or lying!" --verify everything, and assume the worst unless proven otherwise. She has already demonstrated a strong pull towards infidelity.
3. If it becomes clear that nothing is going on, have another talk with her, and this time be more forceful.

If things do NOT improve, do the following

1. Get into the best shape of your life: work out 6 times a week, lose weight, gain muscle.
2. Get new clothes and a new haircut from a top stylist. 
3. Cut off all sex with the wife unless she strongly initiates. No initiation from you.
4. Start going out with your guy friends to bars, clubs, sailing, horseback riding, whatever. Act like you are single again.
5. Stay out all night a few times.

Then when she protests, say "I am giving you space. You are tired from work, in bed by 19:00, and never want to do anything. So I am doing my own thing. This is what you want right"?

her attitude will improve very quickly I assure you


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## Mikegp (Mar 12, 2021)

Manner1067 said:


> I think there is a lot more wrong here than the sex.
> 
> Your wife's career and time at work are 80% of her life. You and the kids fall into that 20%. The energetic periods of the day are when she is with co-workers and patients, and the exhausted down-time is with you.
> 
> ...


There's nothing going on, she has no social life, no friends. She never goes out except with me and children. 
I already work out a lot.


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## Manner1067 (Feb 22, 2021)

Mikegp said:


> There's nothing going on, she has no social life, no friends. She never goes out except with me and children.
> I already work out a lot.


OK, then you need to start going out and carving out a life for yourself. Stop looking to your wife for affirmation and affection.

Don't get mad about her falling asleep on the couch after dinner. Put on a nice shirt and jacket, and go out.

Don't ask for permission, and stop "talking about" the situation. act

When she sees you slipping away she will realize that she needs to change, and quickly. That she needs to stop taking her husband for granted, getting obsessed with guys at work, being lazy about the relationship, and not giving enough affection.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Initiate more.

Don't take every _no-thanks_ as an answer.

Do your due [foreplay] diligence. 

Someone who is not in the mood can often be put in the mood.

She is likely an intellectual, you need to temporarily change her into that sensual and emotional lady.

Rub her the right way.
Start with kisses, then caresses, then........

Once she is in it, with you in her, all is likely good.



_The Typist-_


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

OPs wife sounds like my ex. It was all about her and her job. Would come home and be asleep on the couch by 7:30 each night and then wake up and go to bed at 9:00. She was always exhausted.

BUT you said you are having sex once per week. Thats not really all that bad. I know others will say otherwise but then read some of thr threads where people say it has been years for them. 

Manner1067 suggestions might be good but odds are they will go right past her and if you do go out in the evening, she is just going to accuse you of cheating.

Probably just need to get ready for the end of the marriage as she is probably not going to change.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

She sounds exhausted and maxed out. Working in the medical field can be exhausting, especially emotionally. 

I would just try to lighten her load as much as possible. Not to the point that your exhausted and resentful though. Throw some money at hired help, cleaning people and baby sitters if it’s needed. 

Another thing is, it sounds like when you do have sex it’s the “real deal” and she orgasms and stuff. I know for me personally it’s hard work and effort working on getting an orgasm. Maybe she can consider being open to sex one more time during the week where it’s just a sort of quickie, one where she doesn’t have to have an orgasm. 

Me personally, I don’t like to refuse my partner because I view their advance as a need that they are reaching out to me for. So I usually tell them I 99% of the time won’t deny you, but there will be many times where it’s a I’m opening my legs for you and that’s it, minimal effort sort of thing because that’s all I can do in the moment. I know that sounds crass but does that makes sense? It’s the best middle ground between you two, you want sex and she’s too tired, so here you go...


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

If the other doctor wasn’t any type of issue you would not have talked about it so much. 

Being in “need of a man” despite the relationship causes chemical response. 

My wife when working at the hospital saw more than one hot nurse hook up with resident troll. Marriage in a few cases. How the hell those girls had sex with them is mind boggling. 

Anyways .... your current situation sounds like she is tired...tired...tired ! I’m exhausted just thinking about being her.

Edit:

I forgot to mention that being a man nanny house keeper is about attractive to a woman as screwing a goat. Just saying....


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Mr.Married said:


> If the other doctor wasn’t any type of issue you would not have talked about it so much.
> 
> Being in “need of a man” despite the relationship causes chemical response.
> 
> ...


I agree I am exhausted just reading her story. And yes I agree that men who are “nanny’s” aren’t the most attractive in some women’s eyes. But in this case I think him being a stay at home dad or whatever has nothing to do with the lack of sex. 
Nothing is more of a sex killer than exhaustion and stress.


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## Skruddgemire (Mar 10, 2021)

I'm going to look at this from another angle.

The two of you are getting older and energy levels can change.

You say that you're getting it once a week, once every other week...You're doing better than a lot of people.

Let me explain my situation. When my wife and I first got together, we were working second shift at the local factory. That's 3pm-11pm. When we got home, we didn't want to go right to sleep. Who does when they come home from work. So we'd stay up until 6am, sleep until 2pm, and do it all over again.

So back then we were night owls and sexy funtimes happened at least once on the weekends and one to two times during the week.

Now, my wife has a condition that keeps her from working and I'm working 7-3:30 and getting up at 6am. So she's still a night owl and I'm forced to live in the daylight. Her sex drive peaks at night. She likes to use sex to help her get to sleep. So she's going to bed at 2-3am. By 11pm...I'm falling asleep at my laptop in the middle of playing World of Warcraft.

Yes, stereotypes aside, it _is_ possible to play WoW and get laid. 

So she's not ready and I'm too tired to do anything. 

After a night's sleep, I wake up refreshed and frisky. But the problem is I've had a straight eight and she's halfway through her sleep. 

Our energy levels have shifted and we have to take a little more effort to sync up for some action. 

Back to you...is it possible that something similar has happened? Her energy levels have shifted either in levels or in timing. 

My advice is to sit down and talk with her and see if anything can be dine by her or by you to sync up. Failing that, maybe see if you can talk her into taking a short vacation (three-four day weekend sort of thing), convince a relative to take the kids for the duration, and find a "cuddle and bubble" hotel in your area (room with in-suite hot tub) and let her relax, decompress, recharge, and see if she's in a better frame of mind to get her freak on. 

But the best thing is to talk with her and not just focus on her, also ask and talk about things you might be able to do to help the both of you regain some of that spark.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

My opinion is that once a man’s wife falls in live with another man, the love never truly returns. She’s not on love with you anymore OP.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Evinrude58 said:


> My opinion is that once a man’s wife falls in live with another man, the love never truly returns. She’s not on love with you anymore OP.


OP is denying that his wife needing to smell that doctor's gown is anything about attraction 🙄


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Yes, she was totally in love with the doc and if it wasn’t sexual, it’s only because the doctor didn’t want her.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

OP, you think she’d have found time and and energy to have sex with the doctor of which she was sniffing his clothing?

If she was romantically attracted to you, you’d be getting more sex unless she is just low drive. You’re unlikely to be able to solve either problem.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Mikegp said:


> Come on...


Not saying the poster you quoted is necessarily right...but that doesn't mean she is necessarily wrong, either.

Simple question: did you come here to have your own thoughts and beliefs affirmed, of did you come here to actually solve the problem?

You (more than likely) can't have both. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Mikegp said:


> He's not attractive, but that was like 4 or 5 years ago. It's not the main issue.


You also weren't the one obsessed.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Mikegp said:


> You're too concentrated in an issue of 4 or 5 years ago and that hasn't even meant to actually have intimacy with the person, she never tried to kiss him, have sex with him, she never declared any feelings for him. I don't think you understand the issue and the position she was in and that led to a profound confusion.


You are too dismissive of the significance of your wife SMELLING another man's work attire. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*@Mikegp *

I merged your 2 threads into this one. You will get better input with only one thread on a topic.


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## Mikegp (Mar 12, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> Yes, she was totally in love with the doc and if it wasn’t sexual, it’s only because the doctor didn’t want her.


That's naive... The guy would love to have sex with her, never would have refused that.

The other thing is that you must understand that she would do exactly the same thing to any guy in a blink of an eye, in terms of low frequency of sex. It's not like "I'm not having sex with someone to have with a another". It's exactly the opposite! It's like "I can't have sex because I'm drained of any energy".


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## Mikegp (Mar 12, 2021)

Mr.Married said:


> If the other doctor wasn’t any type of issue you would not have talked about it so much.
> 
> Being in “need of a man” despite the relationship causes chemical response.
> 
> ...


Who said I'm a nanny guy or a stay at home dad?! 

I'm not!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Mikegp said:


> That's naive... The guy would love to have sex with her, never would have refused that.
> 
> The other thing is that you must understand that she would do exactly the same thing to any guy in a blink of an eye, in terms of low frequency of sex. It's not like "I'm not having sex with someone to have with a another". It's exactly the opposite! It's like "I can't have sex because I'm drained of any energy".


Please realize I don’t know you and I’m not that bad of a smart ass, so I’m only saying this because I feel YOU are being naive.
I believe she likely was having sex with him, or very much wanted to. And you are oy seeing a low sex drive from your wife in relationship to YOU. It might be quite high with a new man. You apparently think that’s not a possibility, and you may be mistaken. Hospitals are rife with affairs. They have vacant hospital rooms and offices all over hospitals that are getting “occupied” regularly. Don’t think you know your wife so well regarding this topic. I assure you, many men, including myself, had NO IDEA their wives were capable or had desires that they kept hidden from their husbands.

you need to be more open to the possibility that she may have sexual needs she’s getting satisfied elsewhere and that’s why she doesn’t want it with you.

If that’s not the case, you’re still not going to change her from being low drive.

I loved my wife too. I had no idea of who she really was. No idea. We were together 18 years. She was teaching Sunday school and sexting married men at the same time. Teaching kids and sexting men in the middle of class. People do strange things.

I know—that was MY situation..... not yours. Just trying to let you see there are possibilities you clearly haven’t considered.

I can tell you for sure that smelling a man’s clothing is something a woman does because she is aroused by thinking of him. And women who are aroused want sex. They get sex.

last of all, it’s the THOUGHTS your wife has that involve the other man that are far more important that physical sex. Because 99% of people don’t love and obsess with two people at once. If he was in her mind—- you weren’t. And that’s where the damage occurred in your marriage that very well could be irreparable.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Mikegp said:


> I've been married for 10 years now. We have two kids (8 and 3 years old). We dated for 7 years before marriage and living together, during that time she usually wanted a lot more sex.
> Since we live together and she started working, which happened at the same time, her sex drive and initiative dropped a lot.
> We talked about it several times and she ends up all admitting that she has to correct that and that it's due to working stress and exhaustion (she's a medical doctor). She always says that she has a hard time being relax and concentrated for sex and intimacy at the same time she's tired, stressed and concentrated in work. She actually falls asleep in like 10mins in the couch most days, right after she has dinner.
> She keeps saying she loves me and never wants to lose me and that this issues has nothing to do with me or lack of attraction.
> ...





Mikegp said:


> I've been married for 10 years now. We have two kids (8 and 3 years old). We dated for 7 years before marriage and living together, during that time she usually wanted a lot more sex.
> Since we live together and she started working, which happened at the same time, her sex drive and initiative dropped a lot.
> We talked about it several times and she ends up all admitting that she has to correct that and that it's due to working stress and exhaustion (she's a medical doctor). She always says that she has a hard time being relax and concentrated for sex and intimacy at the same time she's tired, stressed and concentrated in work. She actually falls asleep in like 10mins in the couch most days, right after she has dinner.
> She keeps saying she loves me and never wants to lose me and that this issues has nothing to do with me or lack of attraction.
> ...


I'm not sure what to make of that situation with that male co-worker in the past you mentioned. Smelling his medical gown...what?
That makes me question how attached and loyal to you she may be. 
You've already tried talking. You can attempt to invest yourself....if you haven't already. You know....court her. Don't live like a long term couple in a rut/routine....same old patterns and habits...you letting yourself go because you've already "won" her over. Go back to the dating/courting phase. Dress up, look nice, smell nice, take care of yourself and get fit, go on dates, do new things, talk about things like you are dating, learn new things about her, surprise her....etc. Basically, many couples date and court each other.....once it becomes committed....each just relaxes, lets themselves go, puts forth little to no effort and they just start living the routine/rut life. 
Date her....court her....etc. 
If you do that.....if she doesn't become more invested in the relationship.....if she acts as if she couldn't care less if she ever kisses you, holds you, makes love to you again then I'd say just pull away. 
Go find you a life. Make efforts to hang out and go places with your friends, do things, meet new people.Don't sit around board with her. Have a fun life....meet and see lots of people, go out and always be active. 
You've got to decide if you want to be with her long term in this semi sexless marriage. If not.....divorce. If so....don't hang out miserable all the time at home. Go out and be with your friends all the time and go live a fun life. If she won't invest herself with you then go hang out with people who like your company and don't stay bored at home. 

Hopefully talking or courting her will spark a change in her feelings but if she never changes....just pull away from making her a priority in your life and go live life and spend it with friends and activities....or divorce her.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Mikegp said:


> There's nothing going on, she has no social life, no friends. She never goes out except with me and children.
> I already work out a lot.


You totally missed his point. 
The point was.....get out there and live YOUR life. Have a fun, energetic and active life, have quality time with friends and others. 
She is not there for you.....therefore do not stay home all the time and bored. If she won't be an active partner in the relationship do not feel as if you have to stay home doing nothing. Pour your energies into other parts of your life....other people.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

OP, this is a difficult situation. I would definitely have a discussion with your wife about her being attracted to other men. I wouldn't just sweep it under the rug though, if she was sniffing his clothes (sorry, but that means she wanted him BAD). I hope it never went beyond that. 

I hope you can start romancing each other again, relaxing, de-stressing, and that things will work out.



Skruddgemire said:


> Yes, stereotypes aside, it _is_ possible to play WoW and get laid.


Haha, yep. Horde or Alliance? Classic or Retail?

Does your wife play too?


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## Skruddgemire (Mar 10, 2021)

theloveofmylife said:


> Haha, yep. Horde or Alliance? Classic or Retail?


I'm bi-factional. I play both. Retail, not classic. I tried classic once. Was so different from what I play now that I was totally lost. And when I started to learn it, transitioning back to Retail was a pain in the butt.



> Does your wife play too?


Yes, Horde only.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Blondilocks said:


> Your wife is a medical doctor with an 8 year old and a 3 year old. Of course she is going to be exhausted. Do you have a nanny for the children? Does she come home and cook dinner and do the clean-up? How often would you like to have sex?


You know the title of your post is saying the wife only has sex when she wants to as if that is not okay. Most people only have sex when they want to. 

Like Blondilocks here just told you, she's working and doing everything else it sounds like. There's a limit to a person's energy. I agree with her that the only approach to this may be hiring some help. So she can come home and relax.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

this clever saying disguises the truth:


DownByTheRiver said:


> Most people only have sex when they want to.


The honest truth is that most people don't have sex when they want to.
they can be simultaneously true.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Lucky for everyone they can always have sex with themselves!


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Lucky for everyone they can always have sex with themselves!


Not at all the same thing though.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

If the Rock showed up at your house she'd find the energy. Her energy is going somewhere. You keep saying people are focusing on something that happened years ago, well because it's important. If you're not trolling, then you tolerated her being obsessed with another man to the point of smelling his clothes. Do you think she respects you after that? Think you being submissive and cool with that turns her on? There's no coming back from something like that.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Read NMMNG and MMSLP

I was the upset hubby with sex every 7-10 days and made a change. Now it is daily unless one of us is sick or hurt. Then seems that the next day it is 2x. Im 49 and wife 52.


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## Mikegp (Mar 12, 2021)

Divinely Favored said:


> Read NMMNG and MMSLP
> 
> I was the upset hubby with sex every 7-10 days and made a change. Now it is daily unless one of us is sick or hurt. Then seems that the next day it is 2x. Im 49 and wife 52.


What change was that?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Mikegp said:


> What change was that?


1st was to communicate. If i dont like something i say it. If i feel slighted...i say it. I no longer hold it in and let it fester more anger and resentment. I was very conflict avoidant.

I was very blue pill. I patterned my relationship after my dad. My loved my mom too much. He deferred to her for everything. She chose where we ate, etc, etc. She, like my wife, started becoming irritated having to make all the decisions in the home. 

My wife was red pill. She does note even think women should hold office..Rep, Senator, VP, Pres, Governor, etc. She was upset and saw me as not being able to make a decision. Felt like she had 3 kids.

I kept doing more and more but she was not happy. I did not do it her way so it was like "I might as well do it myself" Who gives a crap if you add soap to washer before it fills up or after! 

She kept pushing and pushing me to stand up to her. She said, "I needed you to be the man"
She also said not to change my stance depending on her emotion. She will at times be emotional and not tgink right and she needed me to stand firm, no matter if she gets pissed, she wanted me to not change to suit her emotional state.

She said, "You have to be the light house she gets her bearings from when she is in an emotional storm. If you change your bearing to suit me then we are both lost in the storm"

She pushed me to a breaking point and i dropped 50lbs in 6 weeks and hit the weights and buffed up. I started to drift away emotionally to protect myself, I was pretty much done...i thought if she does not change then i will hit the ground running. She was not the one that needed to change......It scared her coming from a 1st marriage with a serial cheater and now seeing a big change in me.

She was pushing me to be the man, to put on the pants in the relationship...she did not want to wear them. I had a break one day, i realized i kept doing all the right things i thought. I was nice and loving husband. But i realized my dad was like that and he was miserable. My mom did not treat him well. Wife was sitting on the bed asking me what was wrong. The dam broke and it all came out. Anger and resentment from the past 15yrs. It hurt to say while crying to her that I did not want to be like my dad. I respected him but he was weak when it came to my mom.

She was stunned as i had never voiced the resentment i carried against her. She used to comment in anger she ought to just leave. We were living in one of my parents rental properties and felt like we were indebted to them. I would get ready to look into loan to buy home and she would throw out the leaving comment so i would throw the breaks on that. Happened several tomes and then i was like screw it. I go get a load and if her attitude does not get better we will split up. 

Had 2 kids at this point, found house and went for loan and within month we were moving. 4BR 2 Bath on 3 chainlinked acres with 30x30 shop. 

I started standing firm on things and she had some push back....**** test....to see if change was real. I passes the test and at tge same time i was no longer dependant of her view of me to judge my self worth. I know i can get a younger model but i want her.

Her attraction grew more and more as i became more dominant in myself and my decisions. She never wanted to make the decisions. She would come ask me about something she had on and if i did not like it i tell her, she changes. She now comes to me to ask for my input on things that do not pertain to me or family. 

I started standing up to family instead of just going along. She said today that when we went to my sisters earluer in week. When i was ready to go i just said, "It's time to go" i did not hang around because i felt like i should. She said it makes her attracted to me. I said "OK. Later when i say take your clothes off and get on the bed i dont want to hear and lip" She said "Yes Big Daddy" with a smile and gleam in her eye.

Thanksgiving i decided we are not going to gather with family. It was always big gathering. Mom tried calling my wife in attempt to get her to overrule me and she said "If he said No than that is the decision he has made and as leader of this family he cals the shots"

Taking care of business as the husband also means taking care of my wife. I ensure she is VERY satisfied every time. A quickie to me is 45 min. She says i have taken her places she never knew possible. Pleasing my wife sexually is high on my priority and something i get great pleasure in seeing her sassified.


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## Teman (Mar 23, 2021)

Mikegp said:


> I've been married for 10 years now. We have two kids (8 and 3 years old). We dated for 7 years before marriage and living together, during that time she usually wanted a lot more sex.
> Since we live together and she started working, which happened at the same time, her sex drive and initiative dropped a lot.
> We talked about it several times and she ends up all admitting that she has to correct that and that it's due to working stress and exhaustion (she's a medical doctor). She always says that she has a hard time being relax and concentrated for sex and intimacy at the same time she's tired, stressed and concentrated in work. She actually falls asleep in like 10mins in the couch most days, right after she has dinner.
> She keeps saying she loves me and never wants to lose me and that this issues has nothing to do with me or lack of attraction.
> ...


About the sex frequency, for one thing at this stage it's normal to have less. It's nice when it remains good when it happens. My wife and I been together soon 4 years with a very active child. She has been going through lots from having our first child which I understand affect sex life. Im ok with less but good quality. However she is a difficult person. You want the less sex reason to be from being tired. If it's something else, attempt figuring it out in time. Manage it best you can, dont forget to laugh at life and to be stronger than all this pure comedy.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Mikegp said:


> Thanks for your reply.
> 
> This behavior started before children. It actually started when she started working and we moved in together, so it's hard to understand which one was the cause. She states it's work.


Well, that's probably true. But so what? Now that she's identified the issue, what is she going to do about it?

I have a good friend at work who's family has a bunch of doctors. That profession will consume your life if you let it. You're used to studying 80 hours a week, then taking tests, then training (residency) 80 hours a week or more. You get accustomed to living and breathing it.

So, again, what is she going to do to break the pattern and be there more for you (and the kids as well)?


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

Check out my book. It may help shed light on your situation: *The Dead Bedroom Fix.*

I also did a podcast episode you may enjoy: *Dead Bedrooms - The Importance of GETTING AWAY*

You're not alone in your struggles!


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