# why can't I post here? Or, the pity party "I wish list"



## doc_martin

I wish my story could have been here, in the reconciliation part of TAM. 

I wish I had actually never heard of TAM, but I'm sure we all wish that. 

I wish I had listened to those who told me to expose from the very beginning, instead of listening to two people in the fog convince me about what shame it would bring to our children. 

I wish my STBXW could have been one of those people who "woke up" from the fog and realized what a horrible mistake she had made, rather than continue her A on and off for 2.5 years while claiming to be "working" so hard on our issues.

I wish my STBXW wasn't so good at compartmentalizing. That she could realize that NOT talking about something doesn't make it go away. That you can't heal by rug sweeping. That choosing to keep her secret is NOT more important than choosing your family, and a good life. That sometimes, you have to take one on the chin, pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and soldier on (I guess this one applies to me now). 

I wish I didn't have to look at my childrens faces while they cry, and try to explain what went wrong when the rug was pulled out from under their feet. 

But then, I guess wishing is for children. 

And in an hour or so, I'll go back to being bitter over being abused for the last 2.5 years and get angry all over again...


----------



## veebras

I'm so sorry. I wish a lot of the same things. Hang in there. What else can we do..! It's so rough especially with children. Maybe one day...but not up to you to fix or try anymore. You're not the one who left. Best wishes and happiness to you
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## hope4family

veebras said:


> I'm so sorry. I wish a lot of the same things. Hang in there. What else can we do..! It's so rough especially with children. Maybe one day...but not up to you to fix or try anymore. You're not the one who left. Best wishes and happiness to you
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My words exactly. OP you are not not alone.


----------



## Regga

I'm so sorry you are here, where you are. The feelings of betrayal are difficult. I hope you and your family come to a place of peace in the near future.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## C-man

doc_martin said:


> I wish my story could have been here, in the reconciliation part of TAM.
> 
> I wish I had actually never heard of TAM, but I'm sure we all wish that.
> 
> I wish I had listened to those who told me to expose from the very beginning, instead of listening to two people in the fog convince me about what shame it would bring to our children.
> 
> I wish my STBXW could have been one of those people who "woke up" from the fog and realized what a horrible mistake she had made, rather than continue her A on and off for 2.5 years while claiming to be "working" so hard on our issues.
> 
> I wish my STBXW wasn't so good at compartmentalizing. That she could realize that NOT talking about something doesn't make it go away. That you can't heal by rug sweeping. That choosing to keep her secret is NOT more important than choosing your family, and a good life. That sometimes, you have to take one on the chin, pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and soldier on (I guess this one applies to me now).
> 
> I wish I didn't have to look at my childrens faces while they cry, and try to explain what went wrong when the rug was pulled out from under their feet.
> 
> But then, I guess wishing is for children.
> 
> And in an hour or so, I'll go back to being bitter over being abused for the last 2.5 years and get angry all over again...



I'm in exactly the same place. The only thing that helps is knowing that I have always been there for the kids and that in the future - they will appreciate that. 

My stbxw is like yours - a total write-off. A total transformation where her old life is completely gone and replaced. New friends, new relationships... Sometimes these MLC's are a permanent brain change. I don't think my stbxw will ever come out of it until she is old enough that the Botox and Juvaderm and laser treatments don't work anymore and she looks into the mirror and sees her true self. A wrinkled, unhappy old lady with jutting fake tits. Maybe going through the same pain of betrayal that you and I are going through now.

Beauty is only skin deep - but inner ugliness goes through and through. Karma is a b!tch...


----------



## hibiscus

I absolutely relate to your anger. Its been six months since D day and I still cry over it. I still get angry. I still feel like a fool. I still have my doubts as to whether he deserves a second chance.

But as each month goes by, I cry less, and I like myself more. And I like that because he becomes less important.

You will get your power back.


----------



## Regga

My heart hurts for you all. No one deserves this. I hope peace comes to you soon. ((Hugs))
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## doc_martin

funny, I had forgotten about this rant. I still do feel sorry for a lot of things. I'm getting better every day about proping myself up. One day at a time, sometimes one hour, sometimes one minute. Getting out with friends is helping a lot. Getting hit on by women, is REALLY helping a lot. I have no idea what I'm doing right, but three in two days is surely a high note. 

In the end, she is a lost cause. I see that more and more every day. I hope she can save herself. that is no longer my job. She didn't have it in her to fix anything. Which means she will probably do this again. sad for her.


----------

