# I am so lost...



## Patient (Aug 14, 2012)

This is my very first post. Two months ago, I found out my husband was cheating on me. leading up to that for a few weeks, he was picking fights with me and telling me that things just did not feel right between us. That perhaps he needed a break from our marriage. I did eveerything I could to make things different and then my gut told me something else was going on and I was right. I read a text message that summed up that he had been cheating with a person for the last two months.
When I confronted him on it, he said that he could talk to her, and he had not been able to talk to me. That he had fun with her and that we do not have any fun anymore. We have been together for 13 years and we have a 3 year old son. I told him that I could be fun too if I didn't work all day, raise a child and manage a household, that if he took me to some dinner and a hotel, how much fun that would be... I begged him to end things and work on our marriage. At one point, he told me that he felt ashamed and guilty and wanted us to work. Four days later he told me he needed some space and time to figure things out. 
I moved out of the house to my sister's place and then I found out he was still seeing the OW. I then asked him if I needed to find a permanent place of my own, and he said while he thought it was all wrong, he was not ready for me to come home yet. So I got my own place and set up a visitation plan for the two of us for our son. 
During all of this, I have sex with him when I see him. I love him so much and it makes me feel so good, even if it is just for a few hours. 
Today has been 1 month since I took over my own apartment and I miss him terribly. I send him love letters, I ask him to spend time with me. He has not sent me a love letter or initiated anything with me, it is always me first. He told me he still talks to the OW and they are friends.
My friends and family tell me to ignore him and only talk to him about our son. I hear them, but I don't follow their advice. I feel like I need to be present in his mind everyday for any hopes of a reconcilliation.
What I am finding though, is that I continually set myself up for dissapointment....


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

You have firmly established yourself as Plan B in his life.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> I feel like I need to be present in his mind everyday for any hopes of a reconcilliation.


And you are very much WRONG about that.

If you're willing to change your habits, then listen to your family's advice or the advice given here and stop contacting your husband altogether. You're making yourself very unattractive by being needy.

Unless he initiates contact and it's only about your child, there should be no other form of communication between you two for the next few weeks.

Without going dark on him, you stand no chance. Stop being Plan B.

Read the following 2 links and take the advice to heart:

*Just Let Them Go*
*The 180 degree rules*


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Have you exposed the affair to friends, family, etc.?


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## Patient (Aug 14, 2012)

My family and friends do know what is going on.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Patient said:


> My family and friends do know what is going on.


What about his?


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## Patient (Aug 14, 2012)

his parents are aware and only a couple of his friends. Most of the ppl in our life have no idea what has happened.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Patient said:


> his parents are aware and only a couple of his friends. Most of the ppl in our life have no idea what has happened.


Then you are his co-conspirator.

Make it as uncomfortable for them to continue as you can.


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## mule kick (Apr 10, 2012)

Your husband did exactly what my wife did a few months ago. It's like there is a script they unconsciously follow. I did what you did, too. Fortunately I actually wanted to be divorced more than I wanted to be married. I don't mind providing some support to the mother of my children. It hurt to be heartbroken and cheated on after a decade of faithful marriage. I know you probably don't feel the same way but I look forward to life with her as an option maybe rather than a full time commitment. We are each others plan B now. I don't rely on her and she has a dumbass effed up boyfriend to make her miserable in ways I never could. Cheers!


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## Patient (Aug 14, 2012)

Thanks everyone, I don't like thinking of myself as plan B, but i guess I am.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Patient said:


> Thanks everyone, I don't like thinking of myself as plan B, but i guess I am.


Don't be.

No one deserves that.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Stop sending him letters and pursuing him. He's not going to want to work anything out if he thinks you're desperate. And, the more you do this, the more you're eroding your own sense of self-esteem and dignity. Please do the 180 and go dark -- not to manipulate him back to you, but for you and for your own life, so that you don't have to feel like you're dependent on him to be alive.


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