# Secret admirer...



## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

Ok, men on TAM, I have to say that I am a secret admirer of all of you (well, most of you ). Why? Because you obviously have enough self awareness and a desire to understand yourselves, women, marriage issues, etc. to participate on this forum. I know it's not easy for a lot of men to talk about their feelings or share intimate details about themselves, but you do. A lot of you are making such an effort to make your marriages work, to understand what's going on in your wives' heads. You offer a man's perspective on issues that women bring to the table to help us understand where you're coming from (Mars? I think? ) 

Anyway, I'm sitting here thinking about how much time I've spent here, reading, absorbing, ranting, crying...how many books I've read that might help me understand my marriage issues, how many counseling sessions I've attended, how many sleepless nights I've had fretting over my marriage. And then I think about the fact that my husband would never in a million years pick up a book about improving our marriage. He'd never join a discussion forum and spill out his personal issues seeking advice on how to understand me, to understand what makes a good marriage tick. He'd never sit in his recliner and spend hours googling info, reading articles, blogs, and so on. The best I can get him to do is agree to go to MC with me, which so far has been not too helpful. I know he doesn't think our marriage isn't as in dire need of fixing as I do. But even knowing that I'm unhappy enough to ask him to go to MC I would think make him at least stop and think maybe he could be reading, discussing, informing himself of our issues. But no. I'm doing all the heavy lifting, because he doesn't see the need to do it himself. 

So I admire you men for being man enough to suck it up and at least make the effort to understand your wives a little better.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Thanks! but you probable arn't talking about me.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

He's clueless. He doesn't have any idea how serious it is for you. He will be blindsided when you leave. He thinks he is trying and doing his best. 

Just my opinion. Good luck.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> He's clueless. He doesn't have any idea how serious it is for you. He will be blindsided when you leave. He thinks he is trying and doing his best.
> 
> Just my opinion. Good luck.


:iagree:

As sad as that may seem some of us guys need to be smacked upside the head with something to take notice.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

This is why it is dangerous for a marriage when one spouse works on themselves without the other. If he had a clue, he would be work on himself at the same time and you could move forward together, discovering together, whether your marriage will succeed or not.

There is a huge lack of communication in your marriage. Maybe that should be what we all work on first? Then we will be able to learn about ourselves and our marriage, talk about our true feelings and know and accept what we need to do to make our lives better with or without the marriage.


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

Waking up to life said:


> Ok, men on TAM, I have to say that I am a secret admirer of all of you (well, most of you ). Why? Because you obviously have enough self awareness and a desire to understand yourselves, women, marriage issues, etc. to participate on this forum. I know it's not easy for a lot of men to talk about their feelings or share intimate details about themselves, but you do. A lot of you are making such an effort to make your marriages work, to understand what's going on in your wives' heads. You offer a man's perspective on issues that women bring to the table to help us understand where you're coming from (Mars? I think? )
> 
> Anyway, I'm sitting here thinking about how much time I've spent here, reading, absorbing, ranting, crying...how many books I've read that might help me understand my marriage issues, how many counseling sessions I've attended, how many sleepless nights I've had fretting over my marriage. And then I think about the fact that my husband would never in a million years pick up a book about improving our marriage. He'd never join a discussion forum and spill out his personal issues seeking advice on how to understand me, to understand what makes a good marriage tick. He'd never sit in his recliner and spend hours googling info, reading articles, blogs, and so on. The best I can get him to do is agree to go to MC with me, which so far has been not too helpful. I know he doesn't think our marriage isn't as in dire need of fixing as I do. But even knowing that I'm unhappy enough to ask him to go to MC I would think make him at least stop and think maybe he could be reading, discussing, informing himself of our issues. But no. I'm doing all the heavy lifting, because he doesn't see the need to do it himself.
> 
> So I admire you men for being man enough to suck it up and at least make the effort to understand your wives a little better.


1. You should admire us indeed! We deserve much respect - especially since many of us get little to none at home 

2. Having said that, this is what I learned - here.

You can never change your spouse.

But you can change yourself to be a happier, better person, independent of whatever your spouse is trying to do.

So if you wake up in the morning and tell yourself "I am so miserable because of him", than you are wrong. You are miserable because you are not empowered enough. You are miserable because you wait for someone to make you happy.

Take control over your feelings. Make yourself happy. Chances are your husband would want to join you and become happier too, and make you happier.

Oh, btw - did you ever read the surrendered wife book? If not, you should. Its very helpful - but act upon it only if your husband is not abusive - emotionally of physically.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Dont assume the grass is always greener! 

The board may also be heavily populated with worrying, narcissistic, gossiping rubberneckers... too quickly giving out 'advice'. Mouth breathing, knuckledraggers like me. 

Everyone has issues. My point is that you know your life in excruciating detail - dont compare that to the highlight reels of others and then wish for better. Dont get too down on how bad it is - it may not be as bad as you think. The older I get the more I realise that far (FAR!) too many of us are straining our gazes into other pastures without seeing, or even recognizing what is right under our feet.

That probably sounds excruciatingly trite and condescending when you are struggling to drag someone, bodily, into MC against their will... but I still believe it. And yeah - a cold, wet slap of reality upside the head for the dormant non-participants is sometimes called for.

If he is going, that is fantastic I say. How long have you been going together?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Waking Up to Life, I have had the same thoughts about the men on here! It gives me some hope that there could be a good man out there for me somewhere who might actually care about a relationship with me!


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

I also have admiration for 'the guys'. My H wouldn't come on here and post if his life depended on it. He once said to me ' I'm not like American men, I don't talk about my feelings' lol!!
Anyway what I do is I read all the stuff and bring it up in conversations as a discussion or get him to read little snippets here and there. I've downloaded some books on my Kindle and I pick out bits to show him and that seems ok.

I have learnt a huge amount over the last year, and in my own way I pass it in to him. He shorties me sometimes by bringing things up that I thought he hadn't taken any notice of.
I know it sounds like a bit of a game, but, ho hum, we're getting there!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pb76no (Nov 1, 2012)

Thanks for saying what my W never would.

But to be captain obvious here: if we were that good, we probably wouldn't have ended up here in the first place. We don't understand our wives, so we ask total strangers to help us figure it out. One third sarcasm, one third truth, one third ignorance.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

Hey now, don't you all get too inflated over my compliments! I'm not daydreaming about what it would be like on the other side of the fence with any of ya! (Sorry) Just saying that I commend you for at least letting down your guard a little and not burying your heads in the sand. I think that deserves some respect.


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## Omgitsjoe (Oct 1, 2012)

I've learned a lot in my short time here on TAM and hearing other guy's experiences has opened my eyes to many new and different perspectives !!! 

Knowledge is power !!


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

What a nice thing to say *Waking up to life*. So many at TAM (men and women) are putting in time to learn how to make their marriage better. Many just wanting to give advice that helps someone in pain. Baggage and personal history interferes on occasion but most at TAM want to help. Nice post.


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

Thundarr said:


> What a nice thing to say *Waking up to life*. So many at TAM (men and women) are putting in time to learn how to make their marriage better. Many just wanting to give advice that helps someone in pain. Baggage and personal history interferes on occasion but most at TAM want to help. Nice post.


I don't think its too much about us, as much as resentment about her husband...


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

joshbjoshb said:


> I don't think its too much about us, as much as resentment about her husband...


joshbjoshb your p!ssing in my cornflakes. Maybe the milk was already spoiled


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

LOL. Or it's time to buy new cereal!


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## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

joshbjoshb said:


> 1. You should admire us indeed! We deserve much respect - especially since many of us get little to none at home
> 
> 2. Having said that, this is what I learned - here.
> 
> ...


All good stuff...but one mistake...

YOU CAN CHANGE YOUR SPOUSE! Its absolutely possible. My wife changed in many many ways since our therapy and I hope I have too....in fact Ive changed far less than her..my bad...working on it.

My wife said to me one day several months back during all our ups and downs..."wow, I can't believe it, but I actually changed for you..I never thought I would want to..but I really want us to be together and work it out...and I needed to change."


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

Larry Winget says...."You like everything in your life exactly the way it is right now....the house you have, the money you have, the relationships you have, the sex you have...etc, etc...because if you DIDN'T like it, you'd be doing something to change it." 

Isn't that the truth? That is such a profound statement when you take the time to think about it!

Many of us do buy books, spend time on TAM learning from others, and try to invest our time to improve our marriages. At the same time, many spouses won't do ANYTHING to improve themselves....this is because they are simply comfortable with the way things are and won't put out ANY effort to change. 

Bottom line, most people only change when they become uncomfortable. Think about that...


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

joshbjoshb said:


> I don't think its too much about us, as much as resentment about her husband...


Geez, some people don't know how to take a compliment.  Take it or leave it...that's up to you, but my compliment was sincere. I don't so much resent my H for not putting the effort into things like I see some of you doing...just more of a sad realization.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

I secretly admire many of the posters on this website. 

There are some very smart people on TAM that we can learn from...just my opinion on a Friday night.

I am glad I stumbled onto this site back in September.


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