# Almost 4 months & he's finally starting to come out of the fog.



## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

So far all my post have been bad news so I though I would share some good news for a change. After 4 months of me trying to get WH to talk to me. I was ready to give up. Then he breaks down & opens up. The guilt has set in & he is finally seeing OW for what she is. "A manipulating, lying, W****" I'm still devastated over the A but at least now I'm starting to feel like we will make it through this. I would still be lost had I not found all the great people on TAM that I think of as my friends now. Just wanted to say thanks to you all for helping me through the worst time in my life. I know the road is still long, but I'm hoping we've made it through the worst of it.


----------



## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Your desperation to save your marriage is unhealthy and frightens me. I have a feeling you may be codependent. I think some self help in this area will be necessary for you to be in a loving relationship in the future. 

Roll Tide or War Eagle?


----------



## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

ButtPunch said:


> Your desperation to save your marriage is unhealthy and frightens me. I have a feeling you may be codependent. I think some self help in this area will be necessary for you to be in a loving relationship in the future.
> 
> Roll Tide or War Eagle?


Roll Tide & It frightens me too I am working on that. For the first time in my life I'm putting myself first.


----------



## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> So far all my post have been bad news so I though I would share some good news for a change. After 4 months of me trying to get WH to talk to me. I was ready to give up. Then he breaks down & opens up. The guilt has set in & he is finally seeing OW for what she is. "A manipulating, lying, W****" I'm still devastated over the A but at least now I'm starting to feel like we will make it through this. I would still be lost had I not found all the great people on TAM that I think of as my friends now. Just wanted to say thanks to you all for helping me through the worst time in my life. I know the road is still long, but I'm hoping we've made it through the worst of it.


I for one hope it works out how you want

If it does he will never deserve you, that's the sad part


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Its a good thing he is starting to see her that way. That's what happened in my situation as my H started telling me about her I could see holes and gaps in her story all over the place and when I pointed it out just in natural reactions, not even with the intent to malign her, like her being involved with two men at the same time only 16 months of being married was a red flag and then when she slept with her H's brother and told my H that she was "only thinking about him" I was appalled at the manipulation and my natural reaction to it woke up my H. Him seeing my reactions helped him come out of the fog pretty quick. There were parts of it that hung on like some levels of justification, but his opinion on HER was definitely affected early on.


----------



## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

I hope things work out the way you want them too. I think that you need to not let him off the hook though as if this is the way that he sees her, I only see him as trying to start playing the victim card and blame shifting. She was just as willing of a participant as he was and they both made the CHOICE to have the A (which makes him the same as her and no better). It was not a one sided, drug induced action and I see it as possibly starting to shift that way (if this is how he is describing her). He could easily turin this into him as the victim and play you to ease up on him. Don't allow it and make him own his actions and decisions.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Hey and I meant to add that BP has a very valid point in that there could be some codependency at play. Incorporate the book Codependent No More into your recovery. And also to remind you about www.affairrecovery.com if you need an anonymous outside recovery program.


----------



## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Its a good thing he is starting to see her that way. That's what happened in my situation as my H started telling me about her I could see holes and gaps in her story all over the place and when I pointed it out just in natural reactions, not even with the intent to malign her, like her being involved with two men at the same time only 16 months of being married was a red flag and then when she slept with her H's brother and told my H that she was "only thinking about him" I was appalled at the manipulation and my natural reaction to it woke up my H. Him seeing my reactions helped him come out of the fog pretty quick. There were parts of it that hung on like some levels of justification, but his opinion on HER was definitely affected early on.


Blossom, It was pretty much the same way here. Except she was calling me every day telling my lies about him & doing the same to him about me. She told him I was calling her to complain about how unhappy I was with him. So when we started talking it all came out..


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> Blossom, It was pretty much the same way here. Except she was calling me every day telling my lies about him & doing the same to him about me. She told him I was calling her to complain about how unhappy I was with him. So when we started talking it all came out..



Oh wow... so glad y'all spilled the beans to each other. Your H got snagged by a manipulator just like mine did. I truly hope he boards up his fence holes so that doesn't happen again.


----------



## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

This is good. Encourage continued communication. As you discuss the affair, it will help you fill in the missing pieces, and wondering about what happened is worse than knowing the truth (at least to me). The second benefit is that hopefully you will both learn some important things - for you, to boost confidence and not accept poor treatment from a life partner...and he needs to re-learn boundaries with women.

There is still no guarantee that R will be successful. Take it one day at a time and know that YOU are the one who gets to decide the fate of the marriage without guilt or shame. But I will say it's good that he finally is showing some guilt and shame.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

R is a long process. And a difficult thing to do. It's very tempting to try to hurry it to get it over with so life goes back to normal. That's a mistake. 

Triggers can come back years or even decades later (a major trigger for me for 30 years was the OW's name). So always be realistic about yourself and your husband and your marriage and you'll be prepared for whatever comes your way.


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost

It is great to see that your husband is coming around. That will give a little relief in the storm you are in. ButtPunch does have a point, just be wary of co-dependency websites. I will tell you why, my MC thought co-dependency existed in our marriage. Me being the way I am I googled it and filled out an online exam. I scored a nine out of ten!! Much to my dismay you didn't want a high score. The following day I took the same exam again, changing five of the answers. I scored nine out of ten again!! I took the exam again, changing every answer, nine out of ten again!! Well I'm stumped now so I took the exam again, answering A to every question, nine out of ten again!! Now I'm thinking this can't be. So I took it again answering B to every question. You guessed it, nine out of ten again!! I now am beginning to think this is a set up!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Openminded said:


> R is a long process. And a difficult thing to do. It's very tempting to try to hurry it to get it over with so life goes back to normal. That's a mistake.
> 
> Triggers can come back years or even decades later (a major trigger for me for 30 years was the OW's name). So always be realistic about yourself and your husband and your marriage and you'll be prepared for whatever comes your way.


That is a bad trigger for me too. we watched a movie the other day & the woman had the same name. I couldn't stand to hear it. It made me start shaking all over & get sick at my stomach.


----------



## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

drifting on said:


> Devastated an lost
> 
> It is great to see that your husband is coming around. That will give a little relief in the storm you are in. ButtPunch does have a point, just be wary of co-dependency websites. I will tell you why, my MC thought co-dependency existed in our marriage. Me being the way I am I googled it and filled out an online exam. I scored a nine out of ten!! Much to my dismay you didn't want a high score. The following day I took the same exam again, changing five of the answers. I scored nine out of ten again!! I took the exam again, changing every answer, nine out of ten again!! Well I'm stumped now so I took the exam again, answering A to every question, nine out of ten again!! Now I'm thinking this can't be. So I took it again answering B to every question. You guessed it, nine out of ten again!! I now am beginning to think this is a set up!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Drifting On, It must have been one of those nine out of ten surveys.. Lol


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> That is a bad trigger for me too. we watched a movie the other day & the woman had the same name. I couldn't stand to hear it. It made me start shaking all over & get sick at my stomach.


me too..  it does get less severe.

Learning to manage triggers will be important. 

Reading a book on affair recovery will give you a heads up on this

I still have them two years later. My worst one as you know was a couple of weeks ago. But before that I had started to do really well. That really bad trigger was part of what let me to move ahead with exposure.

I now cannot watch infidelity movies or hear songs either.

But codependency studies has helped me, but I ONLY consider it with the Holiness of God and the parts that line up with scripture.


----------



## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> me too..  it does get less severe.
> 
> Learning to manage triggers will be important.
> 
> ...


I can't hardly watch TV at all. Every woman I see reminds me of OW in some way. I also can't listen to some of my favorite songs. Any kind of van triggers me. I absolutely HATE this..


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

I see the OW's face everywhere too... sucks big time.


----------



## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

I don't throw this comment in to upset anyone beyond where they already are. But when the character of the affair partner is judged as dismal, can the character of the wayward spouse be that much superior? I think the BS needs to first and foremost examine who they are married to. Examine their character more critically then they ever have, in fact.


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> Drifting On, It must have been one of those nine out of ten surveys.. Lol


Devastated an lost

Nice, I laughed out loud to that!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

nuclearnightmare said:


> I don't throw this comment in to upset anyone beyond where they already are. But when the character of the affair partner is judged as dismal, can the character of the wayward spouse be that much superior? I think the BS needs to first and foremost examine who they are married to. Examine their character more critically then they ever have, in fact.


Yup.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

I think their character is low and just as suspect, but it is quite possible that depending upon how they live the rest of their lives they could be of worse character.


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> I see the OW's face everywhere too... sucks big time.


Blossom Leigh

What if you added things to her face to change that? I triggered to forest preserves as that's where WW and OM went. My MC told me to meet the OM in the forest preserve to wreck his memory. So I was thinking if you see her face everywhere to color her hair orange, add a moustache...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Glad to see that you recognize that you need to prioritize yourself more. Your owning your own issues and working on them like your codependency issues. Hopefully he works on his own issues, and if he cannot see them, it is time to have a frank discussion on the matter. If he wants to be in a healthy marriage, he needs to work on his issues, so he cuts the probability of further incursions on the marriage.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

drifting on said:


> Blossom Leigh
> 
> What if you added things to her face to change that? I triggered to forest preserves as that's where WW and OM went. My MC told me to meet the OM in the forest preserve to wreck his memory. So I was thinking if you see her face everywhere to color her hair orange, add a moustache...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


hmmmm gives me something to think about.. I may tackle that... because it would be GREAT not to see it.


----------



## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

nuclearnightmare said:


> I don't throw this comment in to upset anyone beyond where they already are. But when the character of the affair partner is judged as dismal, can the character of the wayward spouse be that much superior? I think the BS needs to first and foremost examine who they are married to. Examine their character more critically then they ever have, in fact.


I understand what you are saying & I do look at my H differently now. He has been a faithful & loving H & father for 33 years. The OW has cheated before & probably will again. Not justifying my H behavior, But she did go after him & yes he didn't run. I do question his morals more now, But this has never been his character.


----------



## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> I understand what you are saying & I do look at my H differently now. He has been a faithful & loving H & father for 33 years. The OW has cheated before & probably will again. Not justifying my H behavior, But she did go after him & yes he didn't run. I do question his morals more now, But this has never been his character.


People don't seem to notice they lack healthy boundaries until well after they cross the line. The line is morality, and the decision to honor the line is character.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Devastated an lost said:


> So far all my post have been bad news so I though I would share some good news for a change. After 4 months of me trying to get WH to talk to me. I was ready to give up. Then he breaks down & opens up. *The guilt has set in & he is finally seeing OW for what she is. "A manipulating, lying, W****"* I'm still devastated over the A but at least now I'm starting to feel like we will make it through this. I would still be lost had I not found all the great people on TAM that I think of as my friends now. Just wanted to say thanks to you all for helping me through the worst time in my life. I know the road is still long, but I'm hoping we've made it through the worst of it.


Sorry to warn you .... but that's what men usually say so that you will get a false of security.

If this woman is so awful why is he still interacting with her?


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Not sure that he is still in contact, but OP would have to confirm.


----------



## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

NextTimeAround said:


> Sorry to warn you .... but that's what men usually say so that you will get a false of security.
> 
> If this woman is so awful why is he still interacting with her?


He's not had any contact with her. He has her blocked on his phone. He ended it the day I caught them. He has spent every minute that he's not at work whit me.


----------



## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> He's not had any contact with her. He has her blocked on his phone. He ended it the day I caught them. He has spent every minute that he's not at work whit me.


I hope this is the truth and stays this way. I know for me this is what happened as well...or so I thought. She had a burner phone, hidden emails and social media accounts, and I found that she was scheduling days off from work to travel and meet him, but every minute outside of that was spent with me. Guess I was a fool to think that she was using commute time to NOT stay in contact with him (she used to say she would be calling her school kids parents to discuss issues, but it was her talking to him is all it was and he kept changing numbers to hide it).


----------



## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Squeakr said:


> I hope this is the truth and stays this way. I know for me this is what happened as well...or so I thought. She had a burner phone, hidden emails and social media accounts, and I found that she was scheduling days off from work to travel and meet him, but every minute outside of that was spent with me. Guess I was a fool to think that she was using commute time to NOT stay in contact with him (she used to say she would be calling her school kids parents to discuss issues, but it was her talking to him is all it was and he kept changing numbers to hide it).


So sorry, You had to go through all that. I really believe that my H is being truthful with me now. He works with family & calls me several times a day. I have told him that if this ever happens again I will walk out & never look back. There will be no second chance.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Trust but verify 

Glad he's being a good boy.


----------



## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Trust but verify
> 
> Glad he's being a good boy.


Oh I will NEVER let anything go unnoticed again. There were warning signs. We argued about the OW meany times & I always let him make me feel like I was crazy. I will never fully trust him again.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

I hate gaslighting!!

Good for you!

D & L is on the move!:smthumbup:


----------



## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> I hate gaslighting!!
> 
> Good for you!
> 
> D & L is on the move!:smthumbup:


Yes she is Blossom. I had to learn the hard way. But it's a lesson I will never forget. Little miss innocent has left the building.. Lol


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

uh oh... look out


----------



## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

The metamorphosis of Devastated is happening before us. Sometimes it is good to take a pause and look back at the past. I am sure if you read your old post, you will feel appalled by your old behavior.

Yet, you can feel pride and confident on how far you have come. Most people take a lot longer to change that drastically. I am really happy at your progress.


----------



## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Mr.Fisty said:


> The metamorphosis of Devastated is happening before us. Sometimes it is good to take a pause and look back at the past. I am sure if you read your old post, you will feel appalled by your old behavior.
> 
> Yet, you can feel pride and confident on how far you have come. Most people take a lot longer to change that drastically. I am really happy at your progress.


Thanks Mr. Fisty. It's seems like it's been a life time for me to get where I'm at now. I'm still Devastated over what's happened, But I don't think I'm as lost anymore..


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

That's excellent... it's all a process.

Proud of you my lady...


----------



## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Thanks Blossom..


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> uh oh... look out



I would say that if you two ever met in person!!!


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> Yes she is Blossom. I had to learn the hard way. But it's a lesson I will never forget. Little miss innocent has left the building.. Lol


Reminds me of the line spoken by rowdy roddy piper; I've come to chew bubble gum or kick a$$, I'm all out of bubble gum!!


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

drifting on said:


> I would say that if you two ever met in person!!!


Haha.. yep we could pass for sisters... Be afraid, be VERY afraid!!


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Haha.. yep we could pass fot sisters... Be afraid, be VERY afraid!!



Blossom Leigh

SISTERS!!!! I'm not afraid, I'm terrified!!! 
Hope you are doing well. God bless and stay strong.


----------



## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

drifting on said:


> Blossom Leigh
> 
> SISTERS!!!! I'm not afraid, I'm terrified!!!
> Hope you are doing well. God bless and stay strong.


You guys crack me up.. lol


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> You guys crack me up.. lol


Cracking up is what we are good at!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

