# My Wife say's I'm "not there for" her.... and that I'm "not normal"



## TJW

My wife lost her brother to death 4 days ago. I can intellectually understand grieving. But, I must admit, my own grief process is quite different
than hers.

My wife simply cannot accept that I am not moping around, sitting in sackcloth and ashes. 

I have lost my brother, my mother, my father, two of my sons, my daughter, two wives, almost all of my close high-school friends that I had for 50 years. With each one of these losses, I have felt sadness and a sense of loss. 

This sadness and sense of loss stayed around in me for a couple days. Then, life normalized, a "new normal" if you will, and I moved on. I cannot resurrect any of these people.
That must await the coming of our Lord. I will soon join them in death. I have, at 69, far more life behind me than in front of me. It is my duty to continue to live my life for the benefit of my family. Work, share, help.

I cannot share in her emotions. I simply do not have them. I think I had them briefly at every one of my losses. I don't believe I am a sociopath. I do not like to hurt people, I do most things I do in such a way to avoid hurting even their feelings. I have empathy for those who are hurting, but I cannot say I feel as they do.


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## OnTheFly

TJW said:


> I don't believe I am a sociopath.


You’re not.

Because if you were one, I’d be one too, and I’m not, so neither are you.

I guess the difference is...my wife didn’t question or belittle how I grieved.


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## TJW

She told me that she "feels alone"...;. my first reaction to this is "welcome to the club"...... however, I understand this is not a satisfactory response for me to deliver. 
I don't have any idea what she wants.


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## Evinrude58

Surely you’re able to just hold her for a while and tell her you are sorry her brother is gone. After all the loss you’ve endured, it would make sense that your mind has learned to Accept loss. Why not look up some ways other people support grieving wives and do them because you love her and not because you’re grieving the loss of her brother?


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## TJW

Evinrude58 said:


> Why not look up some ways other people support grieving wives


This is worthwhile. I will. thanks.


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## Underground66

We all grieve differently. My wife said something similar to me when my brother died out of the blue at 54. I was upset and sad, but I wasn't crying all the time and she could not understand it. The loss just didn't hit me like that. There have been times in the last couple years since he passed I think my brother and I get sad and cry, but I wasn't an emotional mess when he did pass.


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## ReadyandNot

I know two people who tragically lost their children. One was my sons best friend who took his own life at 15. He used to stay over and call me mom. 
My other friends loss was her dear 7 year old good hearted, smart, bight daughter. 

With both sets of parents, the only way to continue, is to continue. They found purpose and use their children's memory to help others. Like they developed missions. Both expressed how not letting themselves feel sad about it is the only way they can still be here for their other kids and family because if they let those other feeling in, they would be useless to this world. One has deeper beliefs that the devil wins if she stops living and she lives for god and for her daughter. 

I couldn't function for weeks when my sons friend left us. I'm still not the same today, not bad or good, just different from it.

My son was in shock and hardly reacted at first, then it really hit him when he grew and was about 19.  he seems resolved now at 23.

We all go though things differently and at different times. I totally understand how you are in the 'push though' group with all of your losses. I'm so sorry. 

Your wife needs to go through this whatever way she processes losing a life. She will come around in her own time. My husband is the distant type, and I felt alone too. It would have helped me if he checked in, maybe a hand on my shoulder, a hug here and there. An I love you here and there. Little things like that to know he cares even though he doesn't care the same way I do. At least I would have felt supported in my process and not alone. Sometimes we need those little reminders.

I would think those kind of things might help her feel your presence with out you getting to her level of processing grief. 

Maybe show her some things about how the stages of grief happen in different orders for different people and how they are expressed differently for each person too. Something like that might help her understand that you care even though you're not reacting the same way that she is.


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## Luckylucky

You don’t have to grieve the way she does… but you CAN comfort her? You are both different, you need to get on with it when someone does, ok. But she’s not able to do that, and you don’t need to understand it or fox it, just simply comfort her, ask her questions, listen and cuddle for as long as she needs a cuddle. You can do that, it would mean a lot to her.


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## Openminded

Everyone is obviously different. Just because you aren’t like her doesn’t mean you’re “not normal”. When I have to deal with loss I prefer to briefly grieve in private — with no one else around — and then get on with life. I certainly don’t consider myself “not normal” because that’s how I cope. Have you asked what would be helpful to her?


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## DownByTheRiver

TJW said:


> My wife lost her brother to death 4 days ago. I can intellectually understand grieving. But, I must admit, my own grief process is quite different
> than hers.
> 
> My wife simply cannot accept that I am not moping around, sitting in sackcloth and ashes.
> 
> I have lost my brother, my mother, my father, two of my sons, my daughter, two wives, almost all of my close high-school friends that I had for 50 years. With each one of these losses, I have felt sadness and a sense of loss.
> 
> This sadness and sense of loss stayed around in me for a couple days. Then, life normalized, a "new normal" if you will, and I moved on. I cannot resurrect any of these people.
> That must await the coming of our Lord. I will soon join them in death. I have, at 69, far more life behind me than in front of me. It is my duty to continue to live my life for the benefit of my family. Work, share, help.
> 
> I cannot share in her emotions. I simply do not have them. I think I had them briefly at every one of my losses. I don't believe I am a sociopath. I do not like to hurt people, I do most things I do in such a way to avoid hurting even their feelings. I have empathy for those who are hurting, but I cannot say I feel as they do.


My little secret is I grieve much more for pets than people. I guess I tend to grieve ahead of time when people are old and they change and are no longer themselves.

When I was young I grieved hard for some of the music icons that died who were my guiding light.

It's her brother, not your brother. So I think it's natural that you wouldn't be deeply grieving. I gather she thinks you should just be more empathetic. 

Everybody grieves differently. How much or how long you grieve is no measure of how much you loved someone. Loved ones would not want you to have prolonged suffering and grieving because of them.


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## Luckylucky

I’m fairly cold and hard (except towards my husband and kids) so I find it difficult to understand things like grieving anymore, but I do try to be a listener and always ask people what they need. Some examples, ‘Do you want to talk about it? Do you need space? Need a nap while I take the kids out? Even, Do you want to go out for coffee and laugh?


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## johndoe12299

You seem to be way overcomplicating this. Just because you don't grieve a certain way, you can't support your wife? Ffs, you've been married for this long and something as simple as a little comfort to your woman is this hard for you?


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## ElwoodPDowd

I don't understand why you would be expected to care about her relatives.
Did you spend a lot of time with her brother? Go drinking, fishing, etc.?

Can't say I care about any of my woman's relatives.
Sure, I'd go to their funeral if she wanted, give her a hug and say 'there, there' he was a great guy'
But that's about it.

PS. 
My misses sees her brothers about once every 3 months, and they live about 10Km away.
Was your wife very close to her brother?


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## aine

Evinrude58 said:


> Surely you’re able to just hold her for a while and tell her you are sorry her brother is gone. After all the loss you’ve endured, it would make sense that your mind has learned to Accept loss. Why not look up some ways other people support grieving wives and do them because you love her and not because you’re grieving the loss of her brother?


i think the main problem is that you don't care that much for your wife due to circumstances and the past. If you really cherished your wife, you would have higher levels of empathy and concern for how she was feeling. You don't seem to have that empathy for her. She may not want you sitting around in sackcloth and ashes, she may simply want you to show a little concern for her feelings, her grief, etc. it does not require alot of effort. Just a quick check in and say how are you doing, a quick hug, a quick acknowledgement of whatever she says, that is all but it goes very far. From other posts you have made, I sense you don't like your wife that much. It is difficult to have empathy for someone (if you are honest) you have low level resentment towards.


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## TJW

ElwoodPDowd said:


> Sure, I'd go to their funeral if she wanted, give her a hug and say 'there, there' he was a great guy'
> But that's about it.


She asked me if I wanted to eulogize at his mass. I didn't say no, but I said that I would have to consider carefully what I said. I have been called here a "fundie" (I absolutely own it) and this is a catholic service. I think I would probably offend people. I think I'm going to go back to her and say no to the eulogy, but offer to do a bible reading.

The "he was a great guy" ? I think I'll not try that one. That ship has sailed. I wish I had the luxury of thinking that.



aine said:


> It is difficult to have empathy for someone (if you are honest) you have low level resentment towards.


You are correct, that is my uphill battle. I must fight the urge that seems to still be within me, and try to be loving and supportive in the face of non-reciprocity. On a daily basis, I get nothing but criticism and negativity. I must return positivity and encouragement.


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## Blondilocks

We all have our crosses to bear. Your wife is wanting you to carry hers. Tell her you're sorry she is in pain and ask her if wants a foot rub.

You know the best way to deal with her criticism and negativity? Agree with everything she says and take it a step further - really exaggerate.


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## AGoodFlogging

Sounds like your wife is telling you that you are being unsupportive. Given the nature of your first post she is probably correct as it doesn't seem that you have any desire to empathise with her and from further responses it doesn't seem that you thought much of her brother. That is likely to be made clear to her and others around her at the funeral as it doesn't look like you care too much about hiding that fact.

So, it really depends what you want to achieve here. If you want your wife to think you are unsupportive and for others to think you are perhaps not being generous in spirit then carry on.


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## Openminded

From what I recall of your posts, your wife demands a lot from you while not providing much in return. You want to stay with her so that means the compromise is always more from you than from her. Do the best you can and ignore the rest.


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## MJJEAN

Have you asked her what "being there" for her looks like?


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## DownByTheRiver

If her brother is someone you just didn't care for, she surely must know that, so in that case, I would be honest with her and say, As you know, I was not close with your brother, so I have no reason to be devastated at his death other than I'm sorry that it makes you so sad.


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## TJW

MJJEAN said:


> Have you asked her what "being there" for her looks like?


Yes. I told her that I did not want her to "feel alone". "Alone" is, because of her temperament, an undesirable condition to her. I believe she is telling me the truth, but I absolutely cannot understand the undesirability of "alone".

She replied "just be _with_ me".... what this looks like, is being constantly in interrupt space so I can filter and discard the 999 things said to cats, the dog, on Facebook, produce a fake response to a lost dog story on that infernal electronic appendage she has grown on her hand, and seek Gnu for updates because the ONE FACT I am being told is buried in a parenthetical expression which would challenge their compiler (even though their text would be actually parenthetical)....



Openminded said:


> Do the best you can and ignore the rest.


Yep. For me, it's the only way. I can't conscientiously leave. Even if I could, It would only make me pay for two households instead of one.


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## NTA

TJW said:


> My wife lost her brother to death 4 days ago. I can intellectually understand grieving. But, I must admit, my own grief process is quite different
> than hers.
> 
> My wife simply cannot accept that I am not moping around, sitting in sackcloth and ashes.
> 
> *I have lost my brother, my mother, my father, two of my sons, my daughter, two wives, almost all of my close high-school friends that I had for 50 years. With each one of these losses, I have felt sadness and a sense of loss. *
> 
> This sadness and sense of loss stayed around in me for a couple days. Then, life normalized, a "new normal" if you will, and I moved on. I cannot resurrect any of these people.
> That must await the coming of our Lord. I will soon join them in death. I have, at 69, far more life behind me than in front of me. It is my duty to continue to live my life for the benefit of my family. Work, share, help.
> 
> I cannot share in her emotions. I simply do not have them. I think I had them briefly at every one of my losses. I don't believe I am a sociopath. I do not like to hurt people, I do most things I do in such a way to avoid hurting even their feelings. I have empathy for those who are hurting, but I cannot say I feel as they do.


Where on earth do you live?


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## NTA

MJJEAN said:


> Have you asked her what "being there" for her looks like?


I hate these vague platitudes.


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## MJJEAN

TJW said:


> Yes. I told her that I did not want her to "feel alone". "Alone" is, because of her temperament, an undesirable condition to her. I believe she is telling me the truth, but I absolutely cannot understand the undesirability of "alone".
> 
> She replied "just be _with_ me".... what this looks like, is being constantly in interrupt space so I can filter and discard the 999 things said to cats, the dog, on Facebook, produce a fake response to a lost dog story on that infernal electronic appendage she has grown on her hand, and seek Gnu for updates because the ONE FACT I am being told is buried in a parenthetical expression which would challenge their compiler (even though their text would be actually parenthetical)....


Any possibility she will accept your physical presence near her while you do your own things as "being there"? Does she understand your need for space and alone time? It would seem if you understand her need for "being there" and she understood your need for alone time a compromise could be reached.



NTA said:


> Where on earth do you live?


I have a similar list as do some friends and live in the midwest US. Once you get to a certain age you realize that, over time, illnesses and accidents have taken many friends and family.



NTA said:


> I hate these vague platitudes.


Me, too! Just tell me what you want so I can sincerely and with care give it to you! Yeesh!


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## ElwoodPDowd

MJJEAN said:


> I have a similar list as do some friends and live in the midwest US. Once you get to a certain age you realize that, over time, illnesses and accidents have taken many friends and family.


Yep, at 65 I know more dead people than living people.


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## jonty30

TJW said:


> My wife lost her brother to death 4 days ago. I can intellectually understand grieving. But, I must admit, my own grief process is quite different
> than hers.
> 
> My wife simply cannot accept that I am not moping around, sitting in sackcloth and ashes.
> 
> I have lost my brother, my mother, my father, two of my sons, my daughter, two wives, almost all of my close high-school friends that I had for 50 years. With each one of these losses, I have felt sadness and a sense of loss.
> 
> This sadness and sense of loss stayed around in me for a couple days. Then, life normalized, a "new normal" if you will, and I moved on. I cannot resurrect any of these people.
> That must await the coming of our Lord. I will soon join them in death. I have, at 69, far more life behind me than in front of me. It is my duty to continue to live my life for the benefit of my family. Work, share, help.
> 
> I cannot share in her emotions. I simply do not have them. I think I had them briefly at every one of my losses. I don't believe I am a sociopath. I do not like to hurt people, I do most things I do in such a way to avoid hurting even their feelings. I have empathy for those who are hurting, but I cannot say I feel as they do.


Everybody has different ways of dealing with grief. I'm like you in that people can die on me and I don't feel anything. I really don't.
Consequences of being unbondable in life. 

Having said that, you can help her grief by talking with her about her grief and rolling with whatever she happens to say. 
You can say sympathetic things, even if you don't feel much yourself.


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## ThatDarnGuy!

TJW said:


> My wife lost her brother to death 4 days ago. I can intellectually understand grieving. But, I must admit, my own grief process is quite different
> than hers.
> 
> My wife simply cannot accept that I am not moping around, sitting in sackcloth and ashes.
> 
> I have lost my brother, my mother, my father, two of my sons, my daughter, two wives, almost all of my close high-school friends that I had for 50 years. With each one of these losses, I have felt sadness and a sense of loss.
> 
> This sadness and sense of loss stayed around in me for a couple days. Then, life normalized, a "new normal" if you will, and I moved on. I cannot resurrect any of these people.
> That must await the coming of our Lord. I will soon join them in death. I have, at 69, far more life behind me than in front of me. It is my duty to continue to live my life for the benefit of my family. Work, share, help.
> 
> I cannot share in her emotions. I simply do not have them. I think I had them briefly at every one of my losses. I don't believe I am a sociopath. I do not like to hurt people, I do most things I do in such a way to avoid hurting even their feelings. I have empathy for those who are hurting, but I cannot say I feel as they do.


Very tough and tricky situation to be in. When my wifes mother suddenly passed, it was a roller coaster of emotions. Depression, spontaneous crying, down days, etc. We could be on date night and having a great time when the emotions hit.

Truthfully, there is absolutely nothing you can do to take away the pain and that in itself hurts me a lot being her husband. But you can be her rock and let her work this out. Let her know its ok to talk about it, its okay to cry on my shoulder, its ok to let out the anger and hurt you are feeling..... I promise, she will remember how you treated her when she finally begins to be able to accept the loss and move on.

Her mom passing was extremely tough on her and me as well. Her brother and his wife were beyond useless. Just a day after while we were all staying at her moms house, my wife and I had to make the initial contact with a funeral home. They couldn't be there because that particular time was when they had daily meditation. 

After everyone left he had his wife rented a Uhaul to load what they wanted and drove home three states later. He was the executor of the will. He said he would handle utilities and HOA fees. After a month of hearing nothing, she calls him to ask how are we going to handle the estate? He says I am going to contact an estate sale company. Another month goes by, she calls and he says I am researching estate sale companies. She says why not just put up some signs advertising an estate sale???

After three months utilities have been shut off, HOA fees are months behind, no estate attorney has been called, and he is still researching estate sale companies!

My wife says enough is enough. She calls an attorney that day to schedule a meeting. While she is on the phone I reserve a 15x30 indoor climate controlled storage unit. I take a weeks vacation asap. With my truck, the largest trailer uhaul has, and a lot of aspirin for sore muscles. I bust my rear packing, sorting, loading and driving 40 miles back and forth from the storage unit near our home. It was 95+ outside and she became emotionally overwhelmed multiple times. Her brother never mentioned anything about coming to help. But kept saying I will check out Craigslist to pay for some labor to come help and of course nothing. 

We paid for the estate attorney and his first action was to get her brother to sign over executor rights to her. He quickly said ok. All he had to do was digitally sign the documents emailed to him. After two weeks the attorney said I have emailed them to him five times, I can't proceed until he signs. He proceeds to call him on the phone while my wife and I sit in his office discussing the estate. Her brother says I just haven't had the time. The attorney says why not right now while on this conversation? He says okay and signs. After getting off the phone he says I am sorry to this, but your brother seems to have zero initiative or drive to get anything done. My wife says I fully agree.

Once the papers are filed, my wife contacts a realtor. We list it for market value which matched what most houses in the area were going for. Within 4 days we get an offer from a couple who agree to pay all closing cost and full price. They were sold on a renovated bathroom with handicap access which would save them 15k in renovation. Even though she was the executor, he still had to agree to the price. He objected and said I want an appraisal of the house and want to see if we can get an agent who doesn't charge 5%. Wife ssys fine along with buyers. After a month, the buyers are about to back out and her brother says I haven't had time to contact anyone.... pissed, my wife calls the attorney who says I can easily get a judge to approve the sale on a home being sold at market price, but I will need more money to go to court. After the attorney calls him with what is about to happen, he agrees.

It was also agreed to have a memorial service about six months after her passing right around her birthday. About a month before, they call and say we think it would be best to wait another six months because of covid. The wife thought that makes sense and agrees. Six more months and they say again we think it would be best to postpone another six months..... wife went hell no, and sent out a massive online invitation for a memorial service about two hours after that call. She scheduled with her moms church, wrote a beautiful eulogy, and kept in contact with everyone to coordinate. Her brother and his wife call a couple days before and say we are feeling a little under the weather, we may or may not come. She said do whatever you think you need to do.

Come the day of the memorial, we learned they flew in about an hour before it started. They show up and she is wearing this ugly dress that looked like it was rejected by goodwill. Her hair was a mess, legs not shaven for weeks look, and she constantly walked around with her arms folded. After the service, my wife walks right up to her and says it would of been better if you didn't come and I find it highly disrespectful that you avoided communicating your intentions and then show up looking like you are right now at my mom's memorial service. I wanted to say something to you before it started, but didn't. You are not welcome to the family gathering at the restaurant.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Zombie thread?


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## Mr.Married

I could shoot myself in the foot !!! I hate when I respond to zombie threads ..... aaarrrggghhh !!!!


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