# Seriously Considering Leaving - Feedback Desperately Needed



## jada8023 (Mar 2, 2011)

So I am a married 40 year old woman who is seriously considering leaving my husband. So he comes home yeaterday and asked what's to eat, my response was left overs from yesterday (I make meals for 2 days at a time). After a few minutes he said, take me out something to eat.....as you see no please or anything. I said take you out what? Silence....he was on the computer. After a few minutes he said "what part of take me out something to eat did u non get....my response...what part of take you out what did u not get...silence. After about five mins he goes why are u ignoring me and I simply said you asked a question and I responded. He proceeded to say everytime I ask you to do something you refuse. Either you take out my food all the damn time or don't take it out at all. I replied, that's a personal choice you are making, and even if I had said to take your food out yourself, so what? Is there something wrong with him taking food out for himself once in a while?

Kep in mind that my husband is a truck driver and 4 out of five days he leaves home between 3 and 5:30 am and each morning, no matter what time he gets up, I get up and make him lunch, pack a small cooler with juice, water etc. Make sure he has fruit which I cut up, and some other form of snack. I make sure he has everything he needs for the day.

I do all the cooking, cleaning, food shopping, dishes...everything. You name it and I am sure that I do it. I cook all meals, serve it, go back and get the dishes so that it can be washed. He can be sitting 1 foot from me at his desk and sees me doing the dishes and will never get up to bring them to the sink. He could be laying on the bed and I dump out a load of laundry but he will never lift a finger to help fold. Even when he invites his friends over for breakfast, dinner etc, he will never come to the kitchen and ask if there is anything he could help with, nor does he help after the meal.

On the rare occassion I ask him to make breakfast, he bluntly refuses. I take out daughter to all her appointments, school activities, dance classes etc...he does nothing. Whenever he gets pissed (this is most times as soon as I tell him something about himself), when I'm not a *****, I'm a *****. When I'm not a *****, I',m the biggest a......hole, and when I'm not that, I'm an idiot....the list could pretty much go on and on....Does he ever apologize you ask? not a chance..never. No matter how many times I bring it to his attention.

Is it me or does this man think that I am his maid? Is there anything wrong with him doing stuff for himself?:scratchhead: Most nights he comes home (after getting off work about 4pm an going off to play cards with his buddies) he meals are in the microwave waiting for him. So where does he get off saying that everytime he ask me to do something I say no.

So I told him in no uncertain terms that he was wrong, that I did not deserve to be treated like that and that he was ungrateful. He kept saying I'll take out my damn food for myself and you will see. I told him not to threaten me with that foolish stuff because at 40 I just dont have time fo it.....he is 48 soon to be 49 on 3/21. I was in the process of planning this surprise birthday party for him on 3/19 and have already told all his friends but now I am not so sure.

So he walks out the door and does not come back until 9:30 PM. He goes to the shower and then comes out and ask if I want the bedroom or the couch. I say the bedroom. He slept on the couch and me in the bed...not a word spoken since then.

He gives me things and takes them back. We have been married for 5 years and he has never bought me a wedding ring of any sort. At one point he took me to the store to pick one out which he put on lawaway and once he got pissed about something he went to the store and took the money back. He bought me a silver necklace that was engraved last year for mothers day, he finds that I don't wear it as often as I should so he took it back. The sound card on my laptop which I had for 15 years went out and he bought me a new one...he got pissed for something and he took it back....the list can go on, but you get the drift.


What is wrong with me? I gave up everything for this man. When we met I was in nursing school and I lived in NY and him in FL. I gave up nursing school, fully furnished 3 bdrm apt, 50K job in the fashion business, a small catering business that I ran from home and all my friends to move and be with this man. Let me just say that there is so much the forum is not big enough for all the stories. I eventually went back to school online and have a BS in Forensic Psychology and is about to finish my masters in aout 3 months. I have already been accepted to do my PhD in December...so what is wrong with me? Why am I taking his crap?

Someone please help...please. Why is it so hard to leave? I am all about my family and saving my marriage but he is not making it easy! Ugh.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

jada8023 said:


> What is wrong with me? I gave up everything for this man. When we met I was in nursing school and I lived in NY and him in FL. I gave up nursing school, fully furnished 3 bdrm apt, 50K job in the fashion business, a small catering business that I ran from home and all my friends to move and be with this man. Let me just say that there is so much the forum is not big enough for all the stories. I eventually went back to school online and have a BS in Forensic Psychology and is about to finish my masters in aout 3 months. I have already been accepted to do my PhD in December...so what is wrong with me? Why am I taking his crap?


I am not a licensed therapist, so I cannot diagnose what it wrong with you. I can only give you my impressions of what might be "wrong" with you. To begin with, you had a decent job, a decent life, and you left it behind to be with this guy.

Did he always treat you like crap, or was he on his best behavior while you were dating?

People start out as victims; eventually they become volunteers and are official doormats. 

I can only give you my impression of him based on what you are saying. He's a name caller, showing no respect for you. On the other hand, you have made yourself readily available to be his cook, maid, caretaker, etc.

The deal with the wedding ring would be a deal-breaker for me. He gets p.o.'d at something he perceives you doing as wrong, and he punishes you by taking back gifts, withholding affection, speaking abusively to you ... and you sit and take it.

So how's that workin' for ya? Somewhere along the road of life, you lost your self-esteem and self-respect. I lived with a similar species who expected me to (1) work full time, (2) support him when he was out of work (which was frequent), (3) clean, (4) cook, (5) shop, and all the while I was spending two hours a day commuting and getting my bachelor's degree online. 

I finally got very, very angry at myself for being a doormat to a narcisstic, abusive man. IC helped me, getting a better job helped me, and one night I snapped. That was the end of having my boundaries stomped on. Like I said, we are victims only for so long, and then we become willing volunteers.

Sounds like it is time for you to examine your lack of boundaries, your lack of self-esteem, and possible codependency. You deserve a lot better than this. Quit being his mommy. He'll either get off his big behind and cook his own meals, or he'll go hungry, or he'll go out to eat.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Was this a whirl-wind romance with a guy you didn't see much at first, and then a rush to get married? I ask b/c he sounds emotionally and verbally abusive, and usually these kinds of people play the role of perfect bf/gf, madly in love with you, want to be with you every moment, blah, blah, blah until you are "caught" (married) and then their real nature comes out. 

5 years is a long time to be treated this way. Get some counseling and figure out what you want to do. It is never to late to reclaim a life for yourself! And congrats on your education! That will serve you well always!


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Guys perspective...

Time to leave. He's disrespectful, abusive, and the worst form of passive aggressive I've ever read about. 

Your not happy, so why stay?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

First the bigger issues. 15 year old laptop? Woman, get with the times!

Now that my attempt at humor has failed, let me tell you to leave. From your post you don't seem to have children or anything holding you back. Just leave his sorry ass and never take him back. You are not a footwipe. You are not a *****, ****, ******* or whatever he calls you.
You my dear, are a 40 year old woman, you are in your prime so to speak. These are your best years. Please don't spend them with a man who does not even deserve to kiss the ground you walk on. 
Leave him, please.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jada8023 (Mar 2, 2011)

Ssiters359
Thank you so much for your input. Actually we dated for about a year before we moved in. Then we got married about three months after moving in. You are so on point because he did the whole madly in love with you, want to be with you every moment thing. His family lives in Gainesville FL, and every few weeks he wants to drive 5 hours to go there. When I say I don't feel like going then he tells me I am not about family. When we don't go for thanks giving, its christmas, when its not christmas, its 4th july, memorial weekend, someone's b'day, etc, etc. I try to get him to see that we are his family but to no avail. Funny thing is that we moved to GA about 2 years ago and not once has any of them come to visit, ever. All he had was promises. They all have cars, trucks etc and I try to show hime that they obviously feel differently about family than he does, but it does not help.

When I think about leaving him its like I get anxiety attacks but I do know that I have to leave. My plan is to leave when my daughter goes on school break at the end of may....is that too long to wait? I want to rent a u-haul so that I can pack everything I own and he will have no reason to call me to say I left this, that, or the other, or ask any questions. I am currently looking for an apt in NY (where I'm from) and have a few people helping me look also. Once I receive my taxes in a couple of weeks (I file separately because he has serious trouble with the IRS and has not been filing taxes for the past few years. I think the last he filed was 2007 and this was by force from the IRS). I want to do an online divorce and have it ready for him once I am set to go. He has child support in excess of $17K and cannot even get a passport right now. This is his 5th marriage and of course I did not find that out until after we were married. On the rare occassion we are out, or when his friends come over he shows a side of him that does not exist. They all tell him that he has a gold mine on his hands and he says he knows but it is only a pretense.

I want nothing from him. My daughter will be on break from school then so I will drive back to NY. You were right on target with your response and I truly appreciate it.


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## jada8023 (Mar 2, 2011)

Alphaomega,
I ask myself the same question all the time. I guess its the fear of being alone but I know what it is to be alone because he is never here and before we met I lived alone for about 5 years...tears!
I guess I try to convince myself that he will change and that he loves me but deep down I know he does not.


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## jada8023 (Mar 2, 2011)

Hi Draguna,

I agree with you 1000%. And yes it was a 15 year old laptop...sad but true..lol My life is such a mess but I promise that I will leave. We have a 6 year old daughter so I am trying to hold out until she goes on summer break at the end of may. Is that too long? well not to mention that I am in the process of finding a place in NY. Dag, how could I be such a fool?


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## jada8023 (Mar 2, 2011)

Hi Prodigal,
You have definitely given me a wake up call. He is terrible and the funny thing is that when I tild him that he was wrong for treating me like that and that it was mean, cold and nasty he got even more pissed. What I have realized over time is that he hates to hear anything about himself, moreso the trugh. He wants to be the one to sit there and tell you about you but once the tables turn, then its all over.

He refuses to go to counseling and comes up with all kinds of excuses: they are only after money, they don't know us (duh, that's the whole idea..ugh), some of them don't know what they are talking about, its too expensive, etc ect. You name it and he probably made that excuse. But it boils down to him not wanting to hear that he is wrong, he needs to change and be a better man....remember, that would be telling him about himself!

Last night he comes in about 10:30 PM does not say goodnight. Goes to the shower, goes to the kitchen gets his dinner, comes to the bedroom gets his pillow and blanket and goes back to the couch. He slept out there again. Got up this morning, no good morning or anything, goes to the shower, gets his stuff and left. But he has the nerve to tell me that I don't know about marriage.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

He didn't get it the other 4 times he was married. It's likely the other wives tried as well. He sounds like he has severe emotional disturbances that will render him incapable of a relationship with anyone unless/until he gets intensive therapy. Even that would be a crap shoot. 

You have to protect yourself, and your daughter. Since this is his daughter too, have you consulted with an attorney about taking her back to NY with you? Please don't leave with her until you've talked to an attorney. You could be opening up a whole can of ammunition he could use against you. 

I don't blame you for wanting to leave him. I understand holding out hope that someone will change, but unless you see real EFFORT of that change, there is simply no hope at all. And for that, I'm truly sorry.


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## jada8023 (Mar 2, 2011)

Major Misfit,

Thank you for your feedback and I do have to agree with you there. At one point I also thought that he was bipolar because he would do stuff and say nasty things then in a little while not apologize and act as if nothing happened. I did not contact an attorney but you have made a valid point and I will look into it right away. She has heard him yell and scream so many mean things it's not funny and I really don't want her growing up to think that it's okay for men to treat her like that.


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## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

jada8023 said:


> She has heard him yell and scream so many mean things it's not funny and I really don't want her growing up to think that it's okay for men to treat her like that.


This is probably your most important reason to leave, but in a way that will not put her in the center of the tug of war that will occur. As Major Misfit said, consult with a good lawyer.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

This guy is a giant jerk. I love doing things for my fiance, but if he never reciprocated and never appreciated, I would feel used and feel like a slave. 

There doesn't seem to be anything good about him at all, he should be loving you and cherishing you, not treating you like poop.


Leave him ASAP, and don't look back.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I'm reminded of the song by Tammy Faye Starlight; "Did I Shave My Vagina For This?"


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## VeryShyGirl (Feb 18, 2010)

You are a very smart, well-educated woman. You had a $50K job in fashion? A catering business? Went to nursing school? Got a BS? Soon a masters? Girl you GOT IT! You and your daughter will no doubt be happy and successful when you get away from this creep. Believe in yourself because you're awesome!


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> I'm reminded of the song by Tammy Faye Starlight; "Did I Shave My Vagina For This?"


:lol::rofl: :rofl:

That is too good! :smthumbup:

Damn, leave that guy before you write on here that you are 50. :wtf:

He sounds like a total A-hole. Get out and let him get his own dinner.


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