# Co-parenting issues



## volley (Aug 24, 2013)

I need some advice...I feel like my ex husband and his wife are trying to push me out of my role as being a mother to my child. Things have been progressing since my son played baseball over the summer and my ex was my son's coach. My son is 7 years old. MY ex's wife constantly over does things with my son purposefully in front of me (big hugs and kisses, lifting him up). Over the summer for baseball the team parents were designated to bring snacks/drinks after the games....needless to say I was excluded since my ex's wife was the one who put out the email. I addressed it with my ex and was told that he would let me know if there was a date available. I never heard anything.

One of the next things has to do with my son's school orientation. I was told by my ex that he didn't know what time he was going to go with my son to drop off my son's supplies to his classroom due to my ex having prior plans. After speaking to my ex I found out that my ex, my son and his wife went to orientation all together. I asked my ex if he signed up for teacher's conferences and he told me he did and that the teacher told him I could sign up for my own. We have always done the conferences together because we can usually be in the same room together without having a problem. I am pretty sure that his wife wants to go to conferences with him all of a sudden.

I found out today that my son was sent home sick from school and my ex was 1 hour away so he had his wife pick my son up and take him to urgent care. I was not notified until she had already taken him to urgent care. I am pretty pissed off because I feel that I should have been the one to be able to take my son to the doctor. I don't feel that she has the right to do that since she shouldn't be able to make medical decisions for my son. I did mention to my ex that I could have left work and picked my son up to take him. I have previously picked my son up numerous times from school since they could not reach my ex.

I guess I should also mention that I am in a tough position because my ex is a narcissist and tries to manipulate and control situations. I have learned that when I need to discuss things with him I need to catch him off guard so he cannot have a calculated response.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

It absolutely sounds to me like he is trying to manipulate the situation in his wife's favor, most likely to keep her happy. She probably wants to be a momma bear type figure to your child and the best way they figure they can do that is to butt you out of events and important meetings like school conferences. Little things like not letting you know about baseball snacks can hurricane into much bigger things like not advising you of medical problems and appointments in a real hurry. 

Are there any specific articles in your divorce decree that bar any of these things from happening? Mutual medical decisions, etc? If so, you could always talk to a lawyer about filing for contempt. I bet that would make some of that stop in a real hurry if he saw that there were consequences to his and his wife's actions like these.


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## volley (Aug 24, 2013)

I know that him and I are the ones who can only make medical, educational, and religious decisions for our son. I know I cannot do anything regarding religion without my exes ok. I feel like I am going to have to address this because things seem to be escalating. My problem is how to address it with my ex, it's always difficult. My ex is very intimidating and I don't like confrontation, not to mention the mental/emotional abuse that I went through in our marriage for years. Not always easy for me to do but I can see things are getting out of control.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

volley said:


> I know that him and I are the ones who can only make medical, educational, and religious decisions for our son. I know I cannot do anything regarding religion without my exes ok. I feel like I am going to have to address this because things seem to be escalating. My problem is how to address it with my ex, it's always difficult. My ex is very intimidating and I don't like confrontation, not to mention the mental/emotional abuse that I went through in our marriage for years. Not always easy for me to do but I can see things are getting out of control.


Is there anyone you can have with you when you talk to him about it? That might make you feel more safe. You could also email him which would leave a trail of what was said if you ever need it in court. Be clear, that in the future, his wife is not to ever bring your child to the doctor unless you have been given the chance to do so first. Also, that it would be easier and better for your child if you did school conferences together so you'd know that you were both on the same page of what needs to happen for your son. He may still bring her but at least you'll be there as his mother. 

What is your custody arrangement like? Does your son live with them or with you?


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

In the case of co-parenting with controlling, narcissistic and abusive people the court system is definitely the way to go as there is very little wiggle room for them to manipulate the system. Or if you're not comfortable with taking that big of a step to start with, schedule a mediation session and let him know about it. If he doesn't show up to that, then file for contempt and the judge will not be very pleased with the fact that you had a honest, good-natured mediation session scheduled which he blew off. You're right...it definitely seems like things are escalating and the situation could get out of control very quickly. Mediation can take much of the confrontation out of the situation as well as you don't even need to be in the same room as the other party a lot of the time. My ex and I had a mediation session in which we were in rooms right next to each other and we literally never even saw each other that day.


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## volley (Aug 24, 2013)

notmyjamie said:


> What is your custody arrangement like? Does your son live with them or with you?


After several trips to court we now have 50/50 custody. I previously had primary placement and then my exes visitation was increased over time. I couldn't afford to keep going back to court and I knew eventually this would be the arrangement anyway. The court system here sucks as far as I am concerned. We had a guardian ad litem involved at one point but as we were going into court he put his arm around my exes shoulder like they were buddies. I find everything to just be a battle and exhausting.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

I read your original post in 2013, your post indicated your then H was having a EA, with one of your friends. And that you suffered postpartum depression in which you cried or Left the house. This is never a reason for your husband to have done that. He maybe your postpartum got the best of your marriage. And was unsalvageable too much damage, then your concern was detachment from your husband to the child. And the latest urgent care, wasn't a life or death situation (thankfully), just not feeling well and the child was seen. And illness was addressed. 

Now he is partaking and investing time with him, what hasn't been said is your X, is involved with him which is good, in so many cases the opposite is true. Frustration and resentment, over not being invited to the treats portion of the end game. Sorry as in so many cases divorce leads into extended families and they are a part of your X's current life. Is it not better this way to have seen first hand that your X's wife is loving the child, instead of being and doing evil things. 

I get it you still carry the pain of divorce, but maybe you can count the blessings of knowing he's being loved and adored by both of you and your X new family. I seen first hand in which this is not the case. Do likewise, take you son and have skating parties or similar and you do the planning.

A boy still needs his father regardless, it is sad that the marriage didn't endure but don't take love from your X, the child is still getting love from both sides and the it the main concern ,is it not? 


Tilted


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## volley (Aug 24, 2013)

I tried to tell my ex that next time the school calls him for my son being sick that I would pick him up and take him to urgent care myself. I made it clear that his new wife is not able to make medical decisions for our son. He told me that he would continue doing things the way he wants to. I told him that if this continued that I would take him back to court. His response was...see you there. He then got in his car and left.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

I must be missing something, you say it 50/50 then why is the school calling him then? Instead of you, but hopefully child protective services won't be used against you and your XH, by the school for lack of care of the child. Or by someone else who sees something different such as the judge.


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## volley (Aug 24, 2013)

Tilted 1 said:


> I must be missing something, you say it 50/50 then why is the school calling him then? Instead of you, but hopefully child protective services won't be used against you and your XH, by the school for lack of care of the child. Or by someone else who sees something different such as the judge.


Usually what happens is that the school calls whichever parent my son is staying with that day if there are any issues. Our visitation schedule is not the easiest but we were told by a mediator that it is too soon to do a schedule of alternating weeks due to the my son's age. She told us that they usually do not recommend it until a child is 10 years old. My child is definitely cared for, every time that the school tried to get in touch with my ex and couldn't, I left work to go pick him up and I will always do that. My son is my #1 priority in life, that is why I am so irritated with my ex for not telling me my son needed to go to urgent care and sending my son with his wife. I feel that that is my responsibility to be there with my son, not someone else's. But being the narcissist that he is he has to control the situation and did not tell me until after the fact.


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