# after his online affair



## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

After 15 years of marriage I found out my husband was having an online affair - which he started after a business trip. During the two months of his betrayal multiple plans were made to meet in other cities (OW lives elsewhere. He claims they never actually met again) and he had the nerve to tell friends (and share her inappropriate pictures!) - a badge of honor for a mid-life crisis man. The OW and he became a "we" and he actually talked about her at home. I trusted him so much (so stupidly) that I actually believed he was just interested in her poor 'tragic' life. I don't know if they ever actually slept together, but the emotional betrayal was so overwhelming that after six months of coping I'm still very shaky and in shock. I now find that he is two people to me: when I'm with him - meaning he is physically in my presence, I'm able to think present and future in a positive way. However, when I can not physically see him, he is the person in my head - the one who hurt me so very deeply. I can't tell you how much I'd like to completely forget this. He clearly would like me to as well so we can keep our present and future in the good direction its going. I call it his "win win situation" - he gets to be disgustingly (seriously) enticed by OW, then gets to end it only to have his relationship with me blossom. I think part of me is afraid to 'forget', afraid that I'll get hurt again. It wasn't his first time - the other was completely different - but still unbelievable and painful. (I found out about both just 6 months ago when he completely opened up.) This forgetting business is very difficult. I'm afraid I'm in the numb confusion for a long time to come.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

stillINshock said:


> This forgetting business is very difficult. I'm afraid I'm in the numb confusion for a long time to come.


It is unlikely you will ever forget and I don’t believe you should. This was an emotional affair and they hurt. I’ve lived through this and it has taken our marriage a long time to recover. We are still working on it. But take from this the knowledge that your husband has flaws and know you are now aware of what to look for. Make sure he has ended all contact with TOW and that as far as you are concerned it has to be over, forever. The pain will dull, the forgiveness will come and trust will return but you must both be active participants in it. Communicate, date, plan for the future and make sure you are both providing each other with the things you want in the marriage. It will take time but it can improve.


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## TGolbus (Nov 3, 2008)

YES it is very hard.....Take a look at the book - Forgive for Good it helped me so much.

Yes I know I advertise like I wrote this book....no I don't get any commission. It helped me so much we bought a case and we give them out. I never had forgiven before my wife had an A. What a time to learn huh....

It is an amazing book. Forgiving is not condoning or forgetting. It is about not letting the past ruin today.
There is a saying from Mandela - Holding on, is like drinking poision and hoping someone else dies.

Good luck


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

Thank you both for your words of encouragement. I remind myself of the Mandela quote often. Just wish this was not part of my life, but it is. Still in shock.


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