# Love Languages: giving and receiving



## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

:scratchhead: I remain a bit confused (not at all an unusual state of affairs) about Love Languages
I'm convinced they're VERY worthwhile knowing about, but in posts hither and thither people refer to 'giving' and to 'receiving' but I thought when you took the test online it's just about the way you prefer to receive?
Or is there more in the book?

My oh's primary came out as acts of service,(words of affirmation close behind) which I took to mean he understands my demonstrations of love better if they come in the form of acts of service - whatever that means to him! - but was I right?

My primary was physical touch with words of affirmation a close second - like him - so I'm assuming I need to seek physical closeness from him while giving him acts of service; or much easier if we just both crank up the words of affirmation cos we both understand & need those!


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

I think a couple has to communicate clearly what they want. And they have to be sincere to do their best to fulfill what their spouses want. 

For example, my husband knows I tend to be insecure, I need him to spend a lot of time with me, so when I am at home, he is at home. He never leaves me alone. He doesn't look for hobbies which require him to go out a lot. 

I know my husband likes home cooked meals, so I do my best to cook every day and I do my best to cook what he likes to eat. He sees the effort I put into pleasing him, he really appreciates it. He does the dishes to help me out at home, and I feel it is a very loving gesture from him. 

Both of us love to have sex, so physical touch is our mutual love language, it really makes it easy for our sex life! 

About money, I am very generous towards him when he needs to buy something, and he is generous to me when I need to buy something, but both of us are very careful about our own spending. 

Whenever we do something, we think about the other one first. We make suggestion about what the other one wants to do. As long as we are together, we don't mind if it is what he likes to do or what I like to do!


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

Your point about communicating what you want is (to judge from TAM) a perennial problem - but compounding this is that people don't necessarily even know themselves what their 'love language' is, and it's this I'm trying to get to grips with


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

madimoff said:


> Your point about communicating what you want is (to judge from TAM) a perennial problem - but compounding this is that people don't necessarily even know themselves what their 'love language' is, and it's this I'm trying to get to grips with


It is very true. A lot of people don't exactly know what they want. 

It is understandable that young people don't know who they are and what they want.

If we have reached 30 and still don't know who we are and what we want, then it is sad. 

We have to know clearly about ourselves, then it is easy for us to look for the kind of qualities we want from the other person. And then it is easy for the other people to figure out what to do to make us happy!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

All of the Love languages are important for everyone, they are all wonderful things to bestow in marraige, even frienships, all relationships. I also have the book about the Love Languages for children written by the same author. Amazon.com: The Five Love Languages of Children (9781881273653): Gary Chapman, Ross Campbell M.D.: Books

But some languages just mean sooooo much more to us than others. I will use myself as an example. I could care less about "Gifts", it is to the point, my kids, when they leave our house someday, they will probably never even buy me a Mothers day Gift cause they know Mom just doesn't care about gifts. I Do give gifts, but I probably put less effort into finding that perfect gift, wrapping it with a pretty bow & even use the right wrapping paper, but if I give a card, I can write my heart out - cause for me, I so love & appreciate "Words of Affirmation" and ALSO love to give that --when I "feel" it . 

I can tell already that my little daughter is a Physical Toucher & loves Quality time. She loves her back scratched, she lights up when I do this , she enjoys scratching mine in return, she also enjoys peeling a facial "masK' off my face sometimes at night, she is very huggy with her little brother, so it just flows out of her. And she loves when we spend time with her playing games. 

I have not read the book for some time, but I remember it saying that we DO what you want in return generally. 

I am very expressive (words of Affirmation) and I can't keep my hands off my husband (Physical touch) and I crave those things in return. 

The Acts of Service is a strange one. I think we all do "Acts of Service" every day without even thinking about it. 

As for me, I do ALL of that kind of stuff when my husband is at work, I do not want him wasting his time helping me with house chores after he gets home. That takes time away from other FUN things we could be doing for us, with the kids. And... I have always been one who likes to do and get things myself. I do not like being waited on. I prefer to get my own food, make my own tea, pump my own gas, I like smorgesboards without a waitress --and just like I am like this, many times I will tell my kids to "get it yourself". Not always of coarse, but I do not wait on people hand & foot and spoil them, unless they are sick or it can help them out, make their life easier somehow. 


I have a friend, she is a MAJOR Acts of Service woman, drove her husband crazy as he was a Physical Toucher, and that was low on her list (they ended up divorced) but she is always helpnig friends get their houses in order, making things, just always DOING random acts of kindness to everyone in her life, I am blessed as I am one of her friends. Ha ha And I know she wants this in return and doesnt always get it to the extent she GIVES. So she gets a little frustrated sometimes. 

Just kinda going from what I have noticed with some people in my life.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

madimoff said:


> :scratchhead: I remain a bit confused (not at all an unusual state of affairs) about Love Languages
> I'm convinced they're VERY worthwhile knowing about, but in posts hither and thither people refer to 'giving' and to 'receiving' but I thought when you took the test online it's just about the way you prefer to receive?


That was the least helpful for me to understand, what I like to receive. MUCH more helpful for me was
- What does HE like to receive so I can speak it.
- What he likes to receive so I can HEAR it when he speaks it to me.



> Or is there more in the book?


I did not read the book. And I never even did the questionnaire. I looked at him and said YUP he is touch, and I am words of affirmation/acts of service.



> My oh's primary came out as acts of service,(words of affirmation close behind)


Ha! He and I would get on well. I am the same but ever so slightly switched the other way.



> which I took to mean he understands my demonstrations of love better if they come in the form of acts of service - whatever that means to him! - but was I right?


Yup. It is what you DO with that information that will help you.



> My primary was physical touch with words of affirmation a close second - like him -


Lucky you. You have one in common. This is good because you will find it easy to hear love in his words of affirmation. 




> so I'm assuming I need to seek physical closeness from him while giving him acts of service;


You guys are still in hard times, right? If so I would say no, that is not what I would do. First you have to undo some past love busting by SPEAKING to him HIS and hearing from him his.

So unfair! Yes. But it works.



> or much easier if we just both crank up the words of affirmation cos we both understand & need those!


Yup. There is no harm in adding that to the equation.


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

I've tried replying once, weather threw my internet connection!!
Thanks Mom for the piece by piece reply, which I understood UP TO the phrase 'speaking to him his and hearing from him his'; lost me! Do you mean I have to praise him for the stuff he does for me whilst also saying how I like helping him with stuff?
Ok this might be an example someone could help me figure how I could or should have used love languages to deal with it better!
Bear with me, it needs explaining so you can identify (if)where I went wrong!

Between reading earlier posts and now we had a (for me) disastrous phone call all the typical misunderstandings and sensitivities showing themselves; he'd not mentioned when texting confirmation of when to speak to our son that he wanted to see a particular match on TV so instead of sending son to the phone after his meal as per text, I thought he should get showered so he was totally ready for bed
wrong move
dad rings, son in shower dad says oh I thought he was ringing straight after dinner I say well yes that was the plan & try to explain the attempt to prepare for bed
Dad, obviously a bit stressed, tells me about match & needing to ring his mum, and says ok well can he ring me in 10 mins I say yes if that's what you want him to do - then hear son get out of shower so they speak there and then
Son finishes, hands me the phone (usual scenario)
We speak & I point out (VERY calm pleasant voice, this is probably a distinct change that I recognise in myself) that if I'd known he wanted to watch a match I would have known to stick to what had been arranged & not change it
OK we get past that 
(I now realise I can't remember which bits of conversation came up in which phone call because as will become apparent there were two)
He tells me he's been busy because of the stock market dives globally, etc, then he says his landline phone's ringing - goes to answer it, I hear him say yes hello thankyou then he comes to the phone, says nothing & cuts me off
(bear with me!)
I'm a tad miffed but not OTT about it except son mentions it might be his (female) friend I've never met - nothing dodgy, I know that but nonetheless!!! Phone rings 10 mins later turns out it was an electronics company AGAIN about a claim he's making on my Xmas pressie which died within a month (and this needs the explanation HE DOES NOT DO STRESS VERY WELL!!!!!!!!!!!! ) 
He tells me all about it, I say well done, though the saga still continues with the company; he sounds less stressed than I would expect, (thinking I'm saying something positive) 
we pretty much get through that, nothing further worth saying except I do say how I wish I could be dealing with it myself (can't for logistical reasons) - figure I'm offering to take the problem he didn't want away from him - he's actually I think considering dropping the claim even though it's for a 3-figure sum, it's not the end of the earth for us to buy a replacement, thankfully - but distinctly against my consumer principles
Bit of small talk, I ask if he got my (naughty) text earlier in the day - I've been trying to express myself a bit more in that direction and thusfar have always had a positive text reply within minutes but never usually more than a couple of hours
He says yes, sorry he had his head in stocks and shares, I realise that so accept it
Somehow the call then goes a bit adrift, I'm not even sure what I said but possibly to do with the time, or the match or whatever, he gets uppity and says it starts in a minute and he still needs to speak to his mother - oh well don't bother keep talking I'll miss the match (!) so I try to remain calm & he asks me to go on so I say I was just listening to him and going to say goodbye (so he can get on) - so we said goodbye BUT I came off the phone, sat down and had a little weep because I don't like these unnecessary misunderstandings and honestly struggle to see how I should have played it differently
- everything seems to turn on a heartbeat from fine to stressed just like that
How would love languages have helped, if at all?


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

madimoff said:


> I've tried replying once, weather threw my internet connection!!
> Thanks Mom for the piece by piece reply, which I understood UP TO the phrase 'speaking to him his and hearing from him his'; lost me! Do you mean I have to praise him for the stuff he does for me whilst also saying how I like helping him with stuff?


No. That is not what I mean at all. He is not a child. You don't need to praise him.

I MEAN when digging out from entrenched love busting that you both likely have done, it is less helpful to think about how to GET for you but more helpful to think how to GIVE to him. The hope being down the road that giving engenders a desires in him also a desire to give so that you get.

The knowledge of love languages can help you do this by allowing you to understand how to show him you love him. It also gives you a bit of reassurance along the way that he loves you by being able to read the way he speaks his love language to you. Even if it is not the way you would prefer, you can know that loves you by recognizing the way he speaks it.




> Ok this might be an example someone could help me figure how I could or should have used love languages to deal with it better!
> Bear with me, it needs explaining so you can identify (if)where I went wrong!
> 
> Between reading earlier posts and now we had a (for me) disastrous phone call all the typical misunderstandings and sensitivities showing themselves; he'd not mentioned when texting confirmation of when to speak to our son that he wanted to see a particular match on TV so instead of sending son to the phone after his meal as per text, I thought he should get showered so he was totally ready for bed
> ...


Sorry I cannot understand what transpired here. 



> (I now realise I can't remember which bits of conversation came up in which phone call because as will become apparent there were two)
> He tells me he's been busy because of the stock market dives globally, etc, then he says his landline phone's ringing - goes to answer it, I hear him say yes hello thankyou then he comes to the phone, says nothing & cuts me off
> (bear with me!)
> I'm a tad miffed but not OTT about it except son mentions it might be his (female) friend I've never met - nothing dodgy, I know that but nonetheless!!! Phone rings 10 mins later turns out it was an electronics company AGAIN about a claim he's making on my Xmas pressie which died within a month (and this needs the explanation HE DOES NOT DO STRESS VERY WELL!!!!!!!!!!!! )
> ...


I did not understand a single word of that! I am sure I have lost my mind.


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

Mom6547 said:


> No. That is not what I mean at all. He is not a child. You don't need to praise him.
> 
> I MEAN when digging out from entrenched love busting that you both likely have done, it is less helpful to think about how to GET for you but more helpful to think how to GIVE to him. The hope being down the road that giving engenders a desires in him also a desire to give so that you get.
> 
> ...




So (back to Love Languages) I need to 'speak' my love for him in a way he'll understand by either doing, or referring to, acts of service - hopefully I've got it this time!

and the phone calls - well to paraphrase to the extreme, essentially he got stressed in a way I hadn't expected given that there's been less of that recently==== however (SMILEYS where have you gone when I need you) *embarrassed grin* having written an unintelligible 'war and peace' I was up to my arms in toilet (cleaning) when my text goes & he wants to speak & the reason? to apologise for getting so stressed, and while we were on also thanked me for being understanding about him not being here for as long as usual this coming time so (a) Sorry Mom I got my upset hat on a bit prematurely and (b) BIG progress in a small way!!!!!


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