# Withholding Sex - Brilliant or Childish?



## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

I have a terrible habit of being late. I do have a stomach issue that does not help things, but I could plan better.

Recently, I was again running late (20 minutes) and my spouse was not happy again. I had no excuse as we talked about stuff for an hour when I should have stopped us both and gone and got ready.

Anyway, later that evening when we returned, and I thought things were totally fine, I tried to initiate sex. My spouse matter of factly, in a nice way, stated they were not going to have sex, in order to teach me a lesson about the lateness, or something to that affect.

I took this as dealing with me as a child. I was not impressed. However, I started to think perhaps this was completely fair and maybe a brilliant move on my spouse's part.

Comment?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think that withholding sex as punishment is a really stupid and bad thing to do.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I think that withholding sex as punishment is a really stupid and bad thing to do.


:iagree:


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## Fee_ (Jan 26, 2011)

It's controlling and emotionally abusive


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I'm currently not eating cooked meals to punish my son for avoiding his house duties. Makes about as much sense. 
MN


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

You should try your best to overcome your shortcomings but this shouldn't be used as an excuse by your partner to withhold affection from you. It seems that you two need to work on your emotional bonding dynamic and be more respectful of liking(s) and disliking(s) of each other.

How is your relationship otherwise? Satisfactory?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

"Husband" or "wife" isn't something we do, it's what we are. Deliberately withholding sex as punishment amounts to a temporary divorce. Put another way, it's the same as announcing that your vows and your commitment to the marriage are fleeting and conditional. It also changes the rules of marriage, making marital duties contingent upon the perfect behavior of one's spouse. If she fails to appear perfect in the husband's eyes, he would be equally justified in canceling her health insurance. Both parties need to feel secure in a marriage and if they can't find that with their spouse, they will find it elsewhere. 
I imagine he or she was angry and just didn't feel like having sex. That's completely different than "I'm not doing it because I wish to punish you." We are all authorized to feel angry and to not feel like having sex, but we aren't free to intentionally withhold martial obligations in order to punish our married partner. Even if I'm pissed, I'm still "husband". I'm still "dad".


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Your wife knows that you want to divorce her. If the shoe were on the other foot, how would you feel about being used?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Well, he got your attention, at least. And you're thinking about the issue, so maybe will find a way to solve it. Withholding sex repeatedly is definitely a childish move and could be self-perpetuating if resentments build. But as a one-time only move? Clever, but probably not brilliant.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

sunnyroses said:


> I took this as dealing with me as a child. I was not impressed. However, I started to think perhaps this was completely fair and maybe a brilliant move on my spouse's part.
> 
> Comment?


Neither brilliant nor fair. This 'punishment' is ridiculous and has nothing to do with your issue of being chronically late.

If he were to say, "okay, we are leaving in 20 minutes and if you're not ready, I'm leaving without you," that is an appropriate consequence.

And I have a problem with the word 'punishment'. You're not his child, you're his wife. 

He's going about this allllll wrong.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

You say you have a stomach issue. Are you stalling hoping you will go to the bathroom before you leave so you will be all done before you leave? I ask, because that's what I have went thru personally.


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## sunnyroses (May 28, 2013)

Not stalling. Issue is from my cancer. But not an excuse. 

Relationship is satisfactory. We have come along way recently. But this little manoeuvre made me really shocked. It just adds to the pile and makes me yet again question.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Although you were late, you still had a spare hour to argue about it?

You weren't really late then, were you?

Childish? Yes.

But also, what's good for the goose,,,. If he opens the door for toddler games, he'd be wise to pick one he can win.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Eh... In my opinion, whether it's a good or bad idea depends on how hurtful he expected it to be for you and what outcome he expected.

My husband gets snarky when he isn't feeling good. He doesn't have to be feeling _bad,_ but whenever he's been feeling stressed it shows in how he speaks to others. 

I'll sometimes point it out gently with a "Are you upset?" or something. When it continues, I will tell him I am getting upset. If he continues again, I will sometimes remind him to value me with a little tit-for-tat. "I told you I was getting upset and you just made another sarcastic remark, so make your own dinner because I only make dinner for people who appreciate me." 

He might argue that he appreciates me, to which I'd say "I felt unappreciated after you said x and y, so I'm not making dinner tonight. Love you!" I don't negotiate. He remembers that he needs to act like he loves me if he wants me to think he loves me. Win-win, I think. BUT.... it's nothing that hurts each other and it doesn't create a major inconvenience. If he felt like I was punishing him instead of simply protecting myself, it could have a different outcome.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I don't see it the same as refusing to make dinner. Sex is how love and intimacy are expressed to a man. Food is food. Using sex as a weapon only teaches the spouse that she is a liar. She made vows but her word is worthless. Next time, she might as easily "punish" him by having sex with the neighbor. Won't take long for him to realize that sex is acceptable to use as currency and power in the relationship, so when she offends him, he is free to withhold sex or have sex outside the marriage or violate any other terms of the marriage contract. 
If I were a manufacturer and I partnered with a specific supplier on which I depended and that supplier decided they would "punish" me by refusing to deliver goods they had promised and I needed, the logical move I would make would be to find another supplier because I couldn't trust the one I had. Unless she is ready and willing to lose everything she's getting from the marriage, withholding sex as punishment would be a foolish move.


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## Moops (Sep 26, 2014)

Mr. Nail said:


> I'm currently not eating cooked meals to punish my son for avoiding his house duties. Makes about as much sense.
> MN


The thing is to women sex is not really that much of a loss, so they don't get that affected if they withhold it for some time. They are not punishing themselves, they are punishing their husbands/boyfriends for whatever it is they did wrong.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> Sex is how love and intimacy are expressed to a man.


For some men, not all.



Moops said:


> The thing is to women sex is not really that much of a loss, so they don't get that affected if they withhold it for some time.


For some women, not all.



^^ There are more and more brave ladies here on TAM who are sharing their stories of being the higher drive partner while their husbands reject them and don't care about sex like they do.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Moops said:


> The thing is to women sex is not really that much of a loss, so they don't get that affected if they withhold it for some time. They are not punishing themselves, they are punishing their husbands/boyfriends for whatever it is they did wrong.


You must be 12 to believe that.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

If someone did this to me they'd never have the opportunity to have sex with me again. In my deepest depths of anger it's never occurred to me to use sex as a bargaining chip or as a means to punish; that's not to say I'm necessarily in the mood if I'm p!ssed off but it's not a deliberate decision to teach someone a lesson. If someone tried to manipulate me like that, and that's exactly what it is, our sex life would be over and so would we. But that's just me.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> I don't see it the same as refusing to make dinner. Sex is how love and intimacy are expressed to a man. Food is food. Using sex as a weapon only teaches the spouse that she is a liar. She made vows but her word is worthless. Next time, she might as easily "punish" him by having sex with the neighbor. Won't take long for him to realize that sex is acceptable to use as currency and power in the relationship, so when she offends him, he is free to withhold sex or have sex outside the marriage or violate any other terms of the marriage contract.
> If I were a manufacturer and I partnered with a specific supplier on which I depended and that supplier decided they would "punish" me by refusing to deliver goods they had promised and I needed, the logical move I would make would be to find another supplier because I couldn't trust the one I had. Unless she is ready and willing to lose everything she's getting from the marriage, withholding sex as punishment would be a foolish move.


1. I never said that making dinner and refusing sex were the same thing. I said that the person who is "getting punished" is the one whose experience determines how bad or brilliant that punishment is. I used an example from MY life to illustrate that point. 

2. Your "sex is how love and intimacy are expressed to a man, and food is food" statements are true for you and some other men. Some see acts of service as love, as my guy does, and when I make meals he feels loved because of it. This is more important to him than sex, I think, as he has a much lower libido than I do and he HATES preparing food for himself but loves good food. (He goes out of his way to show me thanks for a meal even when it's nothing special.)

3. Your conclusion that this would make someone a liar is a HUGE jump of logic that makes no sense. I can only imagine how troubled your relationships are if you truly think like that! By your logic, if your woman's too sick to give you a BJ, she's a cheating $lut?! WOW!


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Don't many of us, probably several of you who answered that this was a bad idea, regularly make sex contingent?

"I don't feel loved or supported"
"We haven't spent much time together"
"You ignored my text today"
"You're not helping out around the house so I don't feel that marital bond that makes sex special".

So this is a particularly bald and in-your-face example of what happens every single day in millions of marriages. And while the withholding spouse would rarely make a statement of intent to teach a lesson, the practice is common.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

The answer to the "brilliant or childish" question is entirely in your court, is it not?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Being chronically late can be seen as a power move. It places more importance on your time than that of others. It's obviously inconsiderate and disrespectful.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
sex should be something you do for each other, for the enjoyment of both. If so, then withholding is a self-destructive action. If that isn't how sex is in your relationship, then that needs fixing.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Cletus said:


> Don't many of us, probably several of you who answered that this was a bad idea, regularly make sex contingent?
> 
> "I don't feel loved or supported"
> "We haven't spent much time together"
> ...


No, these are not the same. in situations described by you sex (or lack) is not used to punish - the other spouse does not feel emotionally connected and does not want to get intimate. This is the problem, that many of those complaining about not enough sex, do not see how their behavior affects their spouse need for intimacy.


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## MysticTeenager (Aug 13, 2013)

I think it is childish. It just breeds resentment, and a bunch of unwanted sadness. And it doesnt really prove a point or make you stop being late. It just makes things worse than they actually are.


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