# Is Divorce an option? ... have 2 month old newborn



## xorkh (Apr 3, 2011)

Is divorce the only option? 

Hi guys, it's my first time visitor. I found this site after searching divorce articles and I'm grateful for it. 

My wife and I married 2 years ago and it was more of a impulse / arranged (consenting) marriage and we barely knew each other. This is the fault of my culture mostly as dating is forbidden and couples barely know each other before marriage. I guess this works when both grew up in the same country but we did not. I was raised in America most of my life and she lived in Pakistan when we first met. 


--- Background ---
I went to Pakistan to visit family for the first time in my life when I was 26. During the 3 week stay, I met a girl (19 years old at the time) which I found attractive and got to know her for only a few days. When our families found out they were furious and quickly arranged the marriage and neither of us could protest without disgracing our family honor and all the old fashioned customs that lives on still.

Despite this situation we were both very attracted and it gave us the opportunity to get to know each other and be more intimate. On my wedding night, I found out that she had a noticeable facial scar (from childhood malaria) on her cheek which she had kept hidden from me with her long hair. She said she was embarrassed and at the time it didn't bother me at all. 


-- Problems --

I filed a immigration case and within 6 months she came to the united states and we started our lives. During the first few months we fought quite a bit and nearly sperated onced. Most of this figithing was because our different upbringing and it has gotten worse over the past two years.

Everytime we fight, I find her less and less attractive and it has gotten to the point where I don't feel anything when kissing her. For the past year I have not found her unattractive. I feel this is a combination of her facial scar and weight gain from the baby we had two months ago. I don't find her attractive unless she puts on makeup and most of the time I can barely stand to kiss her unless she does. I then get depressed because I feel like a bad person for feeling this way.

I constantly try to push her to learn English, I've spend a lot of money on books, software and classes but she barely put in a effort. For the past two years she has learned very little English and constantly watches TV shows in her native language. When I bring this up, she just ignores it and says she'll try and gets back to her TV shows. 

When I push a little too hard, she basically tells me that she will never work and even if she did she will send it all to her family. I've told her several times I want her to work in a few years but I want her to learn English so she isn't so dependent on me. Sometimes I feel she has some sort of learning disorder and she passes it off as laziness. 

I make about $60k a year which I feel is a good income but we will never be able to buy a house or have the kind of live both of us want. I want her to make enough money to pay for her clothes/shoes/purses and her trips to visit her family. She basically tells me it is my "responsibility" to make this happen. 

I've tried to convince her that we need counseling but she refuses and sees it as a insult. 
Sometimes I regret that we didn't divorce when we had the chance before bringing a child into the equation. 

After a big fight today, I escaped to my office and feel I need to sleep overnight just to avoid divorce. It's a life I feel trapped in because I cannot bear the thought of my son growing up without a mom or dad.

Every day it gets worse and we are on the brink of divorce. 

Any help or advice is greatly appreciated.


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## toooldforthis (Apr 2, 2011)

You are in an extremely difficult position, as I'm sure you know, and could use all the professional guidance you can get. I hope you find counseling for yourself at least. 

You have unusual issues, considering you have a very young child and your wife could possibly take the child with her back to Pakistan. The cultural labyrinth you are negotiating is very complex, since you straddle two cultures that are strikingly different. 

Not sure how to find a competent counselor for your special issues that include breaching cultural differences, but any foray to a counselor should bring you at least some peace. You deserve some help and some peace, as spending the night in the office to get away from your wife is a fairly desperate situation and emotionally draining. 

I wish the best for you. I sincerely wish I could offer more, other than suggesting you seek help from a qualified family counselor. You are in a very tough spot.


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## akcroy (Dec 23, 2010)

I get where you're coming from culturally, and I can't help but feel sorry for you. It's basically a clash of traditions - the way you grew up vs the way your wife did.

In our kind of cultures (Indian, Pakistani...) people put too much importance on so called norms of decency/appropriateness, e.g. the way you were married off to your wife. Here in the West, the equivalent relationship might not even have matured enough to be considered serious, but you, poor thing, had to end up getting married.

Sorry if I'm ranting here, but I'm sort of a similar victim - got to know my wife for a few months before we were married, then came to Canada - and voila, turns out I don't even know her as a person.

Anyway, here's my response to your situation - and you're not going to be happy with it. I'd advise you to not break up with your wife right now, for the sake of your child and even more so perhaps for your own sake - could you really live with yourself after you've broken up with your wife who clearly has no skills she can survive by in the States? And when your kid is so little? 

Bear in mind that given your cultural situation you can't really just send your wife off to Pakistan either - she'll be considered a Divorcee with a capital D, by nine out of ten women she'll ever come across.

But I'm not saying simply forget about divorce - I'm asking you to give your wife another chance. Try to understand, coming from her village in Pakistan she's obviously facing a huge culture shock. What you're perceiving as laziness on her part is at least to a small degree also a defense mechanism trying to fight off said culture shock.

Suggesting counseling isn't going to make her happy either - my wife, for instance, is perfectly Westernized and still perceives seeking professional help in marital matters as a huge insult. Once again this harkens back to the cultural thing. Talk to someone she trusts in her family or in her social circle, provided that person is deemed trustworthy by yourself as well - in the guise of asking for advice, ask that person to coax her into taking a better look at Western life. Maybe that will gradually inspire her to take up learning English.

Caution: don't go talking around about your marital situation. Just stick to the aforementioned person. Or persons, if you feel need be. The point is words travel quickly, and should your wife know that you've been ranting about your problems it's not going to help.

Of course your wife doesn't want to get out of her comfort zone now, but you must be patient.

That you find her unattractive is simply a manifestation of your emotional displeasure. Real beauty lies within - it's a cliche, but true. Try to appreciate your wife and the things you like about her - there are always some things. Also remember to express your appreciation for her - buy her stuff, take her out, etc. She needs to trust you and your love for her.

All that being said and done, if things still don't improve, talk to your relatives on both sides and explain your situation. Move towards getting a divorce.

Good luck bro.


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