# indecisive, not sure if she's the one



## conf (Oct 4, 2013)

My girlfriend and I have been together for 3 years now. She really, really, REALLY wants to get married, and has been ready for the past two years. I was on the fence then and still am now. I thought time would tell, but it hasn't made it much clearer. She is a real pure-hearted sweetheart and we've been through a lot together. At times I've felt that she is too simplistic, that since we get along well together I am therefore good enough for marriage. We do in fact get along well and most of the time the relationship is great. 

I'm not sure if it's because I haven't dated that many people before, but I have doubts. Not about if we will work well together. I think it can last, but the question I have is whether she is the one for me. When I think about marrying her I have more of a feeling of being captured than of happiness. Those sappy love songs just don't ring true for me. I don't feel like we were made to be together, or that we can't live apart, or that she is the only one for me, I just feel like it's a comfortable relationship and happens to work. Do you think I should keep looking for someone who makes me weak in the knees, who I feel an intense passion for? Or am I just coveting some juvenile fairytale?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are the two of you?

If you do not feel an overwhelming desire to marry her, do not. That's how you know if she's the right one for you.


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## conf (Oct 4, 2013)

We are both just over 30. I always thought I would know for sure if I found the right person, but it turns out I don't know for sure.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

conf said:


> We are both just over 30. I always thought I would know for sure if I found the right person, but it turns out I don't know for sure.


You are reading the signals wrong here. The fact that you are unsure means that you have not found the right person.

Another way to look at it that she deserves to be with someone who is sure that she the person that they want to spend their life with.

How do you feel when you think about being without her?


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> You are reading the signals wrong here. The fact that you are unsure means that you have not found the right person.
> 
> Another way to look at it that she deserves to be with someone who is sure that she the person that they want to spend their life with.
> 
> How do you feel when you think about being without her?


Out of curiosity, did you meet "the one" and did you marry them, and if so, how long have you been married?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

John Lee said:


> Out of curiosity, did you meet "the one" and did you marry them, and if so, how long have you been married?


Yea... 14 years. It ended because he was physically abusive and cheated a lot.


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## conf (Oct 4, 2013)

Thanks for the reply. What wrong signals are you referring to?

She seems content if I just agree to marriage even though I feel unsure.

I think we could be happy together (based on our past history), but to be honest I probably would still have the feeling in the back of my mind that there is someone else out there who is a better match for me. I'm sure that can be true for many couples. I'm just not sure if I'm, say, being greedy or reasonable.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

nobody knows for sure.

its a huge gamble. and people change and mature fall out of love all the time.

do not let anybody pressure you into a marriage. and protect you assets from anyone you decide to marry.50 % of all marriages fail.

being captured? dose she care if you do stuff alone? is she controlling? 

if you show up late dose she act pi$$ed?
is she giving and generous in the sack?
how dose she handle money...how much debt dose she have?

I say if your unsure wait wait wait.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Yea... 14 years. It ended because he was physically abusive and cheated a lot.


Doesn't this suggest to you that there might be a little more to it than just finding the person that gives you the right kind of butterflies?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

John Lee said:


> Doesn't this suggest to you that there might be a little more to it than just finding the person that gives you the right kind of butterflies?


Did I say anything about butterflies? "Overwhelming desire does not mean butterflies." I have not experience that sort of nonsense since high school.

You asked if I met “the one” and if I married him. You did not ask if the man I married felt that I was “the one”.

You see, he asked me to marry him because (as it turns out) he felt that it was simply time to get married and I made a good wife in the eyes of society. Plus I’m well educated, good looking, earned a good income, am easy to get along with, was in love with him, etc. To him I was a good package. But he did not tell me that he felt he was settling. He married me when he had about the same attitude that the OP has.

If a marriage starts out, with at least one person not being sure that they want to be married to this person, the chance of marital failure goes way down.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

conf said:


> My girlfriend and I have been together for 3 years now. She really, really, REALLY wants to get married, and has been ready for the past two years. I was on the fence then and still am now. I thought time would tell, but it hasn't made it much clearer. She is a real pure-hearted sweetheart and we've been through a lot together. At times I've felt that she is too simplistic, that since we get along well together I am therefore good enough for marriage. We do in fact get along well and most of the time the relationship is great.
> 
> I'm not sure if it's because I haven't dated that many people before, but I have doubts. Not about if we will work well together. I think it can last, but the question I have is whether she is the one for me. When I think about marrying her I have more of a feeling of being captured than of happiness. Those sappy love songs just don't ring true for me. I don't feel like we were made to be together, or that we can't live apart, or that she is the only one for me, I just feel like it's a comfortable relationship and happens to work. Do you think I should keep looking for someone who makes me weak in the knees, who I feel an intense passion for? Or am I just coveting some juvenile fairytale?


You mention that you have been feeling this way (on the fence) for the last 2 years. Have you TOLD her that you weren't ready or that you were on the fence... and WHY? If not, then you're DEFINITELY not ready for marriage. 

If you're not sure if you want to marry her, cut her loose so she can find someone who IS sure about her. Otherwise, you're just wasting time for BOTH of you for some pretty immature reasons. Like you wrote, it's a "comfortable" relationship...for *YOU*. But _she_ obviously wants to take it to the next level. 

Do both of you a favor and break up with her in a respectful manner. Casually date, and figure out what it is that you want. Figure out if it's the WOMAN you weren't sure of, or if it was MARRIAGE you're afraid of. You'll either find what you want, or you'll realize that you let the best thing in your life slip through your fingers... 

Vega


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Did I say anything about butterflies? "Overwhelming desire does not mean butterflies." I have not experience that sort of nonsense since high school.
> 
> You asked if I met “the one” and if I married him. You did not ask if the man I married felt that I was “the one”.
> 
> ...


Sorry, I see what you mean here. When I met my wife, I was sure I wanted to marry her. Then later (before we actually got married) I started having doubts, but I always went back to the way I felt when I met her and that helped me get over the doubts. So I don't think that when we actually got married I felt the "overwhelming desire" to get married, but I had felt it earlier in the relationship so that made it work. And my wife was sure she wanted to marry me. So far so good.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

John Lee said:


> Sorry, I see what you mean here. When I met my wife, I was sure I wanted to marry her. Then later (before we actually got married) I started having doubts, but I always went back to the way I felt when I met her and that helped me get over the doubts. So I don't think that when we actually got married I felt the "overwhelming desire" to get married, but I had felt it earlier in the relationship so that made it work. And my wife was sure she wanted to marry me. So far so good.


I understand what you mean about doubts. Most people have them going into marriage. But the desire to marry the person wins out. 

My understanding of the OP's post is that he's thinking more along the line of how my ex thought. It's a much deeper sort of doubt.


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## Devotee (Sep 22, 2013)

I dated a man for three years who I was "on the fence" about too. Our relationship was very similar to yours. We got along fine, we enjoyed each other's company, had common interests, but I never had that passion for him that you describe. Looking back I should have realized it early on, but sometimes we make concessions in relationships. Sometimes we have to. It's not always a bad thing. The big difference for me is that my bf and I never talked about getting married. So it was easy for me to dodge the issue, since it was never on the table.

I think if you are having doubts you should take a break from each other for awhile. Honesty, to me, is always the best route. Tell her your feelings and see how she reacts.


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## livinginclip (Oct 6, 2013)

The question isn't whether or not she's the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. The question is whether or not she's the one you can't spend the rest of your life without. 

I think your answer is in your original post. Good luck.


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## conf (Oct 4, 2013)

Independence is something I struggled with for a while after being single for many years prior to our relationship. We both compromised on that issue. But our gears don't exactly mesh, so-to-speak. Sometimes I wish she was more independent and sometimes she feels like I don't give her enough attention.

Yes, she has laid the pressure on to get married but has backed off after finding that it makes things worse between us.


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## conf (Oct 4, 2013)

John Lee said:


> Sorry, I see what you mean here. When I met my wife, I was sure I wanted to marry her. Then later (before we actually got married) I started having doubts, but I always went back to the way I felt when I met her and that helped me get over the doubts. So I don't think that when we actually got married I felt the "overwhelming desire" to get married, but I had felt it earlier in the relationship so that made it work. And my wife was sure she wanted to marry me. So far so good.




Thanks for sharing. How many years has it been? 

I haven't felt an overwhelming desire at any time but I have been happier with her compared to when I was alone. I'm a very rational thinker and she is a very emotional thinker. Still, I wonder if I should have more of desire to marry.


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## conf (Oct 4, 2013)

Devotee said:


> I dated a man for three years who I was "on the fence" about too. Our relationship was very similar to yours. We got along fine, we enjoyed each other's company, had common interests, but I never had that passion for him that you describe. Looking back I should have realized it early on, but sometimes we make concessions in relationships. Sometimes we have to. It's not always a bad thing. The big difference for me is that my bf and I never talked about getting married. So it was easy for me to dodge the issue, since it was never on the table.
> 
> I think if you are having doubts you should take a break from each other for awhile. Honesty, to me, is always the best route. Tell her your feelings and see how she reacts.




Thanks for sharing your story. Have you found the right person since then? I wonder if there is anyone that I would feel very passionate about and connected to. Not sure if I'm just chasing something in my mind here.

We have talked about issues many times before, once with a councelor. She just thinks so differently than I do. When we try and address these things it always ends in a big mess that only comes back to normal if we lay off it for a while. These issues mostly stem from my concerns about marriage. The one that I brought up in this post, about whether she is the one, is really difficult to talk with her about. On that subject she reacts with extremes and will try and force a decision out of me. Either she is the one I love and want to marry eventually, or not, in which case I might as well be dead to her. One road leads to bliss and the other leads to hell. There are no in-betweens in her mind. So on this issue I've felt kind of alone, like I can't talk with her about it. We have actually been through so many intense and miserable discussions on marriage in the past, and have made it through, that I can't suggest taking a break now and going back to that point. Even I have had enough of that. I really think I need to make a final decision at this stage. It's kind of unfortunate that our major issues are on the biggest decision in our relationship. Otherwise, day-to-day life with her is great.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

conf said:


> Thanks for sharing. How many years has it been?
> 
> I haven't felt an overwhelming desire at any time but I have been happier with her compared to when I was alone. I'm a very rational thinker and she is a very emotional thinker. Still, I wonder if I should have more of desire to marry.



We've been married 7 years and together 11. But you have to remember, we were very passionate about each other when we met and I felt that I had met "the one." This made it a lot easier to get past the doubts later, even though they were sometimes serious. Whereas from what you're saying I'm not sure you have enough foundation for a good marriage.


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