# Is this mental abuse?



## sunshine_1979 (Jan 14, 2010)

My husband and I have been married for about 2 years and we have a precious 15 month old daughter whom we both adore. However, our relationship has been very strained since she was born. 
When we were engaged, I knew he was a bit selfish and it really didn’t bother me that much. I was so crazy about him that I let a lot of things slide. Since the baby was born, my tolerance level has plummeted and just about everything he does makes me feel like punching him in the face. 

When we argue about things, he almost always yells loudly and calls me names like ‘stupid _itch and f-ing _unt’. Yes, he calls me the ‘C’ word that just about every woman hates. 

He tells me that if I wasn’t such a nag and a _itch that he wouldn’t act like that. 

He is not physically violent – with the exception of one black eye about a year ago that he blamed on me – but I feel he is mentally abusive. He tells me I am just being overly sensitive. 

It has created a lot of tension since he moved his parents practically next door to us. His mom watches our baby while we both work full time. I would prefer to put the baby in daycare because I feel like his mom is constantly at our house and I always have to clean up after her. My husband told me I am being a selfish _itch for complaining to him about the messes his mom leaves. Him saying anything to her is not an option, he won’t do it. He does not help out at home, period. I do everything – all the laundry, cooking, cleaning, baby care, etc. I even have to clean the cars and take out the garbage every day. When I ask him for help, he says ‘Oh, okay. I thought you could handle doing all that when we got married. I thought you wanted to take care of me’ blah blah blah. It’s like he is trying to put a guilt trip on me for needing help. I feel like his maid. 

Up until a couple of weeks ago, I thought it was my in laws that were ruining my marriage. Now I am starting to feel differently and can see what the real issues are. 

I know this sounds trivial but he absolutely cannot share the remote. We only have one TV and it doesn’t matter if I am right in the middle of watching something – he will take the remote from me and change the channel. It does no good to call him out on it; it always escalates into a big fight and bout of name calling. 

He has also been using steroids for the last year. He claims that they have no psychological effect on him at all – he blames his temper on me. I think they have changed him drastically, though. He has spent almost 10,000 on steroids in the last year. He works at a gym and tells me that he has to look good for his job and that his body is his hobby. That is how he justifies the steroid use. 

I have barely spoken to him in the last 2 days. I can’t pinpoint any one big event that caused the silence; I think it’s just a culmination of all these things that have been going on. 

I finally broke a couple of weeks ago and confessed to my friend on the phone he is using steroids and he happened to overhear me. He told me I betrayed him and said our marriage was over. The next day, he changed his mind and said he would ‘try to forgive me but he didn’t know if he would ever feel the same’. 

On a side note, he is a wonderful father. He loves our baby to pieces. He spends time at night playing with her but he won’t help out with her care – diapers, baths, etc – even when I am sick. He always tells me to ‘act like a mom’. 

He also tell me I need to submit to him, just like the bible says. I pointed out that the bible also tells the husband he must love his wife as Christ loved the church but that made him mad. He told me he would worry about that part, all I needed to do was submit to my husband. 

I feel myself turning into a nag and a whiner when I am around him. Sometimes I try to start an argument so I have an excuse to go in the other room for the night. 

I have lost all of the baby weight I gained with the exception of about 15 pounds, He has suddenly made that a huge issue the last few days. He keeps telling me I need to go to the gym every day and he freakes out if I eat anything after 7pm. I would love to work out and eat healthier but when do I have time? I work 45 hours per week and then go home every day to a second full time job. I even spend most of my days off on the weekends cleaning. 


I am at my wits end. I suggested counseling but he said he doesn’t want to air our grievances to a stranger. I don’t know what else to do. I think I want to leave but I can’t, financially speaking. 

Has anyone been in this situation before? Am I wrong to think there is emotional abuse going on? I really think I am going to have a nervous breakdown soon. I want the relationship we used to have back. We used to be so happy.


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## jhou88 (Feb 5, 2010)

sunshine79, I thought my marriage was bad. I cannot imagine living in your situation and I am thinking of leaving my husband over less. How can he call you those names, then references the bible and being a good christian?? I hope he wasn't like this before, than you could say it was just the steroids (which have been known to cause mood problems). Playing with his daughter and not taking any responsibility for the care of her is equivalent to me playing with my nephew, it doesn't qualify for being a great dad. 
He gave you a black eye? How is that not physically violent?? He is treating you terribly, he doesn't seem to value you as a wife or even a friend. If he is not or has not cheated on you, then I would say you need to figure out a way to make changes and make him value you more and make this marriage work.
Gaining 15 lbs. is not a big deal, you're physcial appearance could not have changed that much from 15 lbs. 
I don't get how he calls himself a man and expects you to submit to him as a man and a husband, when he can't do the simple manly duties of cleaning the car and taking out the garbage.
You need to lay down some rules. He is taking advantage and walking all over you. The mother situation you probably can't do anything about. But in a few months you're baby will be old enough to interact with other kids and can make friends. That will be a good reason to put her in daycare and get your mil out of your house. (Be thankful she doesn' tlive with you, as is often the case).
You have to be firm in what you want and what you know is the best for your marriage and yourself, and for him. You are managing a household and have an equal part in the marriage and have more power than you think you do.
You have to be willing and able to leave and use that to your leverage. If he feels that you are not dependent on him and are not only with him because you can't support yourself, he will respect you more. Use that as your leverage for laying down some rules, including for the name calling, and sharing duties.
If you are working full-time there is no reason you can't support yourself and leave if you have to. 
Some people cannot and will not change, but it is worth trying all of the above before you come to that decision. It is what I did, and it was worth it.


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## bchin (Feb 5, 2010)

I myself am looking for answers, considering breaking up with my fiancee that I've been with for four years. The first thing entering this site I stumbled upon your thread and I also have to agree with jhou88. You have it bad, and I ended up registering just so I could reply that I too was considering leaving the relationship over less. 
Not only is this mental abuse but this is verbal abuse, and emotional battering. How do you put up with this. You seem like a very smart person, I don't know your age, Im 32, and I can't imagine living day to day like this. Is this the kind of home you would want to bring your daughter up in? A home where you're not respected as a human being, being called a c**T in your own house, a black eye?? I dont care if it was your fault and you had hit him over the head with a frying pan. You need to pull your thoughts together, focus on the importance of your well being and lay down some rules. 
Dont you have any family, Im sure they are willing to help you out till you financially work things out. Or friends at least?
No woman should have to put up with this. You need to value yourself more, Im sure your a wonderful person who does not deserve to be treated this way. Walk away, threaten to leave, if he really loves you he will change and if he doesnt ,,, believe me, your better off. 
And about his mom, yes, it could be worse, she could be living with you. Just wait it out, before you know it , you'll be sending her off to school.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You need to leave.


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## sunshine_1979 (Jan 14, 2010)

I appreciate everyone's insight, I really do. It feels so good to verbalize what I am feeling and get these things off of my chest. My husband has tried to convince me that all of this stuff is 'normal'. 
There are some times when he can be his old sweet self for a bit but those times are few and far in between. I think I am going to tell him that we need to do a trial separation so he knows I am being serious when I say that things need to change. And you're right, it would be irresponsible to raise my daughter in this environment. Seeing her father treat me this way could give her serious issues and hang-ups about men and relationships for the rest of her life. 
Again, thank you for all of the advice. I guess I really just needed to hear from somebody else that all of this is NOT okay or normal.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

I just wanted to let you know that I feel so bad for you! I really do. I don't have much input other than to say it simply sounds like he does not respect you as his wife, the mother of his child or even a friend! Your post brought tears to my eyes. I have twin 16 month olds and I also work full time, as does my husband. It has been a struggle to do this and at times we've really gotten on one another's last nerve. But when he lived at home, he did do his "manly" duties around the house, taking out the trash, mowing the yard, etc... as well as help out when I asked him with other things. As far as your husband being a great father, I'm not so sure about that. It takes more than just "playing" with your child to constitute greatness. Take care


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

There is NEVER a valid reason for a man to call a woman the 'c' word. NEVER. IMO, that is worse than rape, practically. 

And it shows complete and utter lack of respect for you. That means that everything he does 'for' you is a fake, and he is only doing what gets HIM what he wants.

There's an amazing book called Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, by Bancroft. I urge you to read it, so that you can see where you truly stand.

fwiw, abusers always try to convince you that YOU are mistaken, THEY are normal, and it's 'just you.' That's one of the Golden Rules of an abuser - disable your sense of right and wrong. 

Look for a nearby women's shelter and have it lined up, just in case, if when you tell him you're separating, he gets physical. Make sure you have access to money that HE can't control, as a way to make you come back to him. Always keep your car keys in your pocket. Always keep a bag packed in the car with necessities, just in case. Threatening his status quo may be enough to cause him to escalate.


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## sameoldstory (Dec 12, 2009)

Sunshine79, I have to give you credit for dealing with this crap. I believe raising a child should be a joyous time. Sure there are good days and bad ones but part of the satisfaction should come from working through both together. The treatment you are receiving is in no way helping to create a fulfilling atmosphere. I’m sure you don’t want to look back at these times and have his tantrums rob you of what would otherwise be a found memory.

I think your husband is a bit old fashioned in his thinking...at least to a point where it benefits him. However, since you work and share to the financial stability of your family, which is typically the man’s role if your thinking is old fashioned, your husband should share in the household responsibilities as well. How would he feel is you quit your job to fulfill this role he expects of you? I can tell your husband loves your child but it seems as though he only wants to be a part of the fun stuff while leaving you to be the bad guy (doing all the dirty work your child probably doesn’t like). That is not being a responsible parent. 

The bottom line is that his actions are downright disrespectful and you don’t deserve it. He knows what he’s doing when he calls you those terrible words. Using the C or B word usually get at the woman’s core so he uses that to get the better of you. Don't let him. You should treat these words as any other name he may call you to lesson the effect. In my opinion, I believe this is mental abuse which he uses to his advantage.


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## RemainsAnonymous (Feb 9, 2010)

Sunshine - don't feel alone because I am in the same boat. Actually I'd rather be in your boat than mine.
My husband (who like an idiot I married TWICE) is severely bi-polar so he takes medication for that PLUS medication for depression PLUS a mood stabilizer PLUS smokes weed ALL day long and STILL CANNOT BE NICE. He loses it immediately over EVERYTHING. I am so far beyond walking on eggshells I don't even have an expression for it. What blows is he is VERY manipulative so around other people and ESPECIALLY my parents he is like the perfect guy, sensitive, funny - you almost feel bad for him. Behind closed doors, its so bad you'd think I was exaggerating. My situation is like a movie. 'Sleeping With The Enemy' much? For the last 8 months he has sat in a chair and played this online game World of Warcraft ... literally 8-10 hours a day. He does not leave the house. He does not want people over (what people? he has no friends) AND to top it off - he threw a blood clot in his leg from being INERT for so damn long. (He is 26 he should not be throwing blood clots.) We were in the ER last night and I just found it impossible to baby him. My mother was like 'This is serious what is your problem?" And I said "If a dog gets kicked everyday then oneday his master falls and breaks his arm - do you think the dog is going to care that his master broke his arm?" (Not that I'm a dog and not that he is my master but whatever that was my analogy) She blew it off. Its the icing on the cake. I end up being the bad guy in front of people because he is SOOOO good at making it look like he is the victim. We also have a violent past. In 2003 he choked me so I put him in jail. I had to show him that that happens ONCE. But of course he made EVERYONE believe he didn't touch me. (Even though the cops saw the bruises)
We separated for 3 years.
I didn't date or talk to anyone that entire time except for the 9 months before we got back together. I met a guy and fell in love I think for the first time. I had NEVER loved another human the way I loved this guy. He was the shining star and I had no problem with this because I thought he was just amazing.
One day .... "we're too different."
I was destroyed. I didn't know I could cry like that. I swear on my soul I will breathe his name on my deathbed.
On a rebound, my ex somehow comes back into my life. We get married 4 months later - wasting $35,000 of my parents money. (On a side note his mother who said don't trust me as far as you can throw me wore a $25 BLACK dress) Not that price has anything to do with anything but BLACK???? She has no manners and she is SO the type of person to do that purposely. I had 4 people come up to me at my wedding and say "Is your mother-in-laws dress BLACK?!" I was so embarrassed. She's a very vain, selfish FAKE woman. And a terrible mother on top of that. His father is worse though. He had the worst childhood growing up. Daily mental and verbal and physical abusive. I used to try and work with him because I know he feels abandoned by literally everyone so I wanted to show him not EVERYONE will leave you. He will scream at the top of his lungs at me - literally one minute later "are you okay babe? I love you!"
HELLO! I CANNOT DOWNSHIFT THAT FAST! YOU JUST CALLED ME A B**** AND A C***! You're psychotic!
He is FULL to the brim of excuses. Excuses for absolutely everything. I try to sit here and think, does he have ANY good qualities? We recently got invitro and I got my first positive test a few days ago (I think I'm 3 weeks and 2 days according to this website) and he was screaming at me recently and I said "Please stop screaming I can't stress out or I'll bleed" He said he didn't care. See my situation is ... I have to have all my parts removed once I give birth ONE time ... I have severe stage 4 endomitriosis, had two softball sized tumors removed from my left (deformed) ovary and had a septate uterus corrected. I don't have any time left. I'm 28 years old and in early ovarian failure (I'm pretty sure thats what he called it).
If I do not reproduce there is no reason to live. I must be a mother. And to be honest I'm too vain to adopt. I know thats horrible but its the truth. I wanna look at my baby and see me and see my mom and my dad ... I want MY blood. I know its horrible. I know there's a ONE percent chance that him seeing his baby born will turn him into a nice person. I have to take that chance. I know how this ends. I just hang on so I get my baby. Don't get me wrong I would love for him to step up and be a great father but its just not going to happen. He's too mentally ill. I'm sad for my baby knowing he/she will probably not grow up with a father but my family is SO great. I literally don't know how I got my parents I don't deserve them. He has wanted a baby since our first marriage. ("saying hey we should have a baby so I can have something to love" What the hell am I chop liver?) 
He *****es and whines about EVERYTHING then drags it on forever and ever. Not to mention he's a complete glutton constantly stuffing his face. He has everybody dupped. But when no ones around its "F**** You and F*** Off"
I am so sick of this. I feel if I don't vent I'm gonna do something stupid. So if this post doesn't help someone else then it helped me. I can't leave him I have no insurance. I just got laid off from my job and he has been laid off for a year now. (Which I know he JUST LOVES sitting there doing nothing making GREAT money off unemployment.)
I'm not the type of person to hate anyone. I'm not built that way. But I hate him. And I don't ask forgiveness for it. He is a monster to the core and it makes me insane that no one else knows it. It makes life very lonely and the stress level is OUT the roof. I almost wish he'd put his hands on me again ... which is awful to say. 
Now I get to wait on him hand and foot like a G** D*** F****** KING while his dumb leg gets better. Its like pouring salt into a wound. He milks everyone and every situation. He should be a car salesman. I had someone say to me one time, after trying to reach out and tell her how I was hurting inside because of this, say to me "I know you're not a liar but sorry thats too hard to believe." I was thinking "WANT ME TO SHOW YOU THE COURT PAPERS AND PICTURES THEY TOOK OF MY NECK!" 
That night he put his hands on me he punched two holes in our apartment wall tore off a closet door and punch a hole in the bathroom door. All which I had to pay for which was like $1,300. He used to empty my bank account for weed. 
I asked him last night not to smoke his blunts around me and he said "You'll be fine"
Well ... yes I will be fine but I'd like to not risk our unborn babys life. 
I know I have to leave him and I KNOW I should not conscientiously be having a child with him because it will only make things worse and not make for an ideal situation for baby, but I can't help it. This is my only chance to have a child and if I don't, I have NO reason whatsoever to live. No need to call me selfish because I'm already aware of it.

I hope to be wrong and he turn out to be a human being ... but it just doesn't seem possible...


Hang in there sunshine...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

RemainsAnonymous, I don't know what to tell you, except that you KNOW you shouldn't be with him. No possible reason whatsoever. So, there is no one here to blame but yourself. 

Find a psychologist, and start going. 

And close out your bank account and move your money to another bank.


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## iWonder (Jan 2, 2010)

Sunshine 1979; This is absolutely abuse. Practically every paragraph you write contains one of the clues. Whether specifically planned or not you are being set up for even worse times.
When you say 'It does no good to call him out on it; it always escalates into a big fight and bout of name calling.' That is exactly his intent - so that when he makes you absolutely miserable anything you try to do to stand up for yourself only makes it worse. Sooner or later you give up trying to stand up for yourself. He has only hit you once on purpose - that was your warning so that you know not to push him too hard. He doesn't hit you more so that you are pushed over the top and leave him - and it leaves things where you feel like others won't believe you.
I am sure if you wrote more, other signs would come out; he doesn't like you to spend time with your family or friends, right?. He occassionally 'accidentally' breaks or destroys things of sentimental value to you, like an old photograph or keepsake, right? Maybe he does it purposely in front of you. He keeps you financially at his mercry precisely for the reason you say - so that you feel like you can't leave.
WELL YOU CAN.
Wherever you live there will be a non-profit organization for abused women. Make some calls and find out who is in your area. They are there for you; a woman does not have to be beaten and bruised for these organizations to help you. The sooner you act the better your chances of actually making things better. It will have to be bold, you know he will not go to counseling - after all, he says it is your fault.
This will not go away by itself. 
Make the calls, get organized and take action.


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## 80dolfin (Feb 19, 2010)

RemainsAnonymous,

Why would you want to have a child with a monster like that? Don't you think it would be better to find someone who loves and respects you, then have a child? I'm sorry but him smoking weed around your unborn child is already child abuse! 

Please get yourself some healthy support. Domestic violence is a serious crime. Please see a DV support group or counsellor. You need to leave him before this baby is born. Sound like he is capable of killing you and your child. How would you feel if he hurt the child.....infact he already is by smoking drugs around you. 

You need to love yourself and get rid of him....stop neglecting your needs. You deserve love, respect and happiness...not a life of abuse by a pathetic excuse for a man!


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## jhou88 (Feb 5, 2010)

RemainsAnonymous said:


> Sunshine - don't feel alone because I am in the same boat. Actually I'd rather be in your boat than mine.
> My husband (who like an idiot I married TWICE) is severely bi-polar so he takes medication for that PLUS medication for depression PLUS a mood stabilizer PLUS smokes weed ALL day long and STILL CANNOT BE NICE. He loses it immediately over EVERYTHING. I am so far beyond walking on eggshells I don't even have an expression for it. What blows is he is VERY manipulative so around other people and ESPECIALLY my parents he is like the perfect guy, sensitive, funny - you almost feel bad for him. Behind closed doors, its so bad you'd think I was exaggerating. My situation is like a movie. 'Sleeping With The Enemy' much? For the last 8 months he has sat in a chair and played this online game World of Warcraft ... literally 8-10 hours a day. He does not leave the house. He does not want people over (what people? he has no friends) AND to top it off - he threw a blood clot in his leg from being INERT for so damn long. (He is 26 he should not be throwing blood clots.) We were in the ER last night and I just found it impossible to baby him. My mother was like 'This is serious what is your problem?" And I said "If a dog gets kicked everyday then oneday his master falls and breaks his arm - do you think the dog is going to care that his master broke his arm?" (Not that I'm a dog and not that he is my master but whatever that was my analogy) She blew it off. Its the icing on the cake. I end up being the bad guy in front of people because he is SOOOO good at making it look like he is the victim. We also have a violent past. In 2003 he choked me so I put him in jail. I had to show him that that happens ONCE. But of course he made EVERYONE believe he didn't touch me. (Even though the cops saw the bruises)
> We separated for 3 years.
> I didn't date or talk to anyone that entire time except for the 9 months before we got back together. I met a guy and fell in love I think for the first time. I had NEVER loved another human the way I loved this guy. He was the shining star and I had no problem with this because I thought he was just amazing.
> ...


Hi remainsanonymous. That is quite a story. I know exactly how you feel about reproducing and that there is no reason to live otherwise, I feel the exact same way. However, I am 34, and considering leaving my husband to find someone else to love and hopefully have children with. I don't want a psycho child like my husband is, I don't want a child with my husband's genes and especially his family genes. I'm surprised you don't feel the same way...I think at 28, you can still find someone else. Well heck I'm 34, and I'm taking that chance. Well good luck to you.


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

The steroid piece is obvious, have you looked up "roid rage"? Do so - now. As long as he's on steroids, he's going to get worse. Even if he quit those, it still sounds as if he has a tendency to be abusive.

Your options? You need to stand up for yourself and your child. Your child is going to look to you to learn how to have a relationship - are you setting the best example for how to allow someone to treat you?

The next time he calls you a name, look at him and say "I will no longer tolerate being called names" and walk away. If he does it again, take the baby and leave. 

Have a safe place, a plan, and some money and a change of clothing stashed somewhere. Contact your local domestic violence shelter and start researching all the resources that are available for you.

I'm not saying leave him - get a divorce - etc... if you aren't ready to do that, you won't. But separate yourself from him to save yourself the abuse. He will throw fits and it will get worse, but after he sees that you are serious, he will either shape up - or you will see that you really do need to ship out. But as long as you are allowing the treatment to continue - it will and it will get worse. It's your decision.


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