# Overwhelmed working from home with infant—partner chronic illness



## prufrock1 (Jun 12, 2017)

looking for ideas of how I can get some help with childcare for an infant. I am sole breadwinner for family and I work from home. Wife has not returned to work since we had our baby. She has been struggling mightily with an illness, side effects from her medication, and changes in medication. She’s not been consistently able to watch our son through the day when I should be working or catching up on rest—some days she may only be able to help for a couple of hours, while other days she can help 5-6 hrs (
but she has such drowsiness that naps are a requirement. She feels such pressure to be functional (a word we are trying to avoid) that she has twice been prescribed stimulants to combat the side effects, but those have had even worse side effects for which she takes depressants. I say this to say that a ‘tough it out’ approach is not an option.

Nor are threats. I’ve asked if we could get childcare but that is triggering to her— she has fear of abandonment and having someone else do her job is threatening to her role (my take on it)—and I’ve stayed away from the suggestion. 
Likewise, family is not an option for the same reason and because they all live a couple hours away. She doesn’t get along well with them. So I’m left with a daily juggling act of working and doing all the baby stuff. On top of that I have two older kids from prior marriage 1/2 the time and it’s summer so they are home all day every other week. I feel I’m not doing as well at work as I could be, and worry that I could fail to get promoted or worse.
Any ideas for ways to free up time? I work most nights from 9-12a to catch up and work on weekends some. But I need down time too.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

prufrock1 said:


> looking for ideas of how I can get some help with childcare for an infant. I am sole breadwinner for family and I work from home. Wife has not returned to work since we had our baby. She has been struggling mightily with an illness, side effects from her medication, and changes in medication. She’s not been consistently able to watch our son through the day when I should be working or catching up on rest—some days she may only be able to help for a couple of hours, while other days she can help 5-6 hrs (
> but she has such drowsiness that naps are a requirement. She feels such pressure to be functional (a word we are trying to avoid) that she has twice been prescribed stimulants to combat the side effects, but those have had even worse side effects for which she takes depressants. I say this to say that a ‘tough it out’ approach is not an option.
> 
> Nor are threats. I’ve asked if we could get childcare but that is triggering to her— she has fear of abandonment and having someone else do her job is threatening to her role (my take on it)—and I’ve stayed away from the suggestion.
> ...


Pussyfooting around your wife will not help. You need to tell her that you need childcare and she needs to accept that. It doesn't mean she's a bad mother or anything else. It's for you. Your sanity needs it. Your health needs it. And it's for the sake of the family as well. It's not a reflection on her. 

If necessary, go to a marriage counselor to talk it out but one way or another she needs to realize that this is for you and needs to happen. 

I'm not saying that without being through it either. My wife is a SAHM and she absolutely hated the idea of any sort of nanny/mother's helper. It took me months to get her on board with it, even though it was necessary (due to us having another baby, me not being able to take much time off, medical stuff and possible hospitalizations). Eventually I had to kind of say "This is what we're doing. You can either help me find someone or I will do it myself".


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

bobert said:


> Eventually I had to kind of say "This is what we're doing. You can either help me find someone or I will do it myself".



OP, re-read the above. This is what you need to do. The hell with as @bobert said with your pussyfooting. Time to take some action.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You can't possibly work full time if you are also having to look after children for much of the day, therefore you have to use childcare unless there is some family you could ask. Do both your families live away?
Could you move to be nearer some family members, either yours or hers?
Are her issues likely to get better at any time? If not then for your own sanity and health you must get childcare no matter what. She must surely know that you can't carry on this way, and until she starts caring for the child while you work you have to get help.
Can you say what her illness is?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

prufrock1 said:


> looking for ideas of how I can get some help with childcare for an infant. I am sole breadwinner for family and I work from home. Wife has not returned to work since we had our baby. She has been struggling mightily with an illness, side effects from her medication, and changes in medication. She’s not been consistently able to watch our son through the day when I should be working or catching up on rest—some days she may only be able to help for a couple of hours, while other days she can help 5-6 hrs (
> but she has such drowsiness that naps are a requirement. She feels such pressure to be functional (a word we are trying to avoid) that she has twice been prescribed stimulants to combat the side effects, but those have had even worse side effects for which she takes depressants. I say this to say that a ‘tough it out’ approach is not an option.
> 
> Nor are threats. I’ve asked if we could get childcare but that is triggering to her— she has fear of abandonment and having someone else do her job is threatening to her role (my take on it)—and I’ve stayed away from the suggestion.
> ...


Get your older kids to help you when they're there. It will be the price of admission. 

And you can find babysitters. You need to just tell your wife you're going to have to find a babysitter to come in sometimes because it will make it easier on both of you.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It’s a practical matter — if she can’t do it then someone else has to and that’s not you with the work load you have. So outside help it is.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Your wife is being very unreasonable. You cannot possibly work full time at home AND look after a baby all day every day indefinitely, let alone do both jobs properly. You NEED help and you need it now. You're taking care of your wife, but who's taking care of you? What do you think will happen to the family when you go down in a heap from exhaustion?

Tell your wife you're enrolling the bub in daycare, or getting someone to come in 6 hours/day (or whatever works for you), and that you'd love her input but it's happening with or without it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Get your older kids to help you when they're there. It will be the price of admission.
> 
> And you can find babysitters. You need to just tell your wife you're going to have to find a babysitter to come in sometimes because it will make it easier on both of you.


They will be at school I am guessing.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Just get the childcare. Maybe that will motivate her to address her issues 

If you are in the house working, even a neighbor kid you pay a few bucks an hour just to be the back up while you are down the hall should give you the ability to work.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

With the infants health at risk, ignore your wife's objections to assisted home health care.
You might be able to drop the baby off to a lady who takes care of babies on a regular basis.

Some daycare facilities will take on infants.
This service is expensive, maybe $1200 a month?

The child is helpless and needs proper care.


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