# Strange Situation, I don't have anyone to turn to at all. Please help.



## NicoleC (Jul 21, 2012)

I don't really know where to start.

I guess I should give a back story of myself to kind of ease my way into finding the words I want.

I'm going to leave out a lot of details because it is already long enough. If you have more questions though, please ask.

I was raised a Jehovahs Witness. My family took it to the next level, and it became sort of like a cult to them.
I was not allowed to associate with anyone outside our kingdom hall, I could not go to public school, anything.
I was "home schooled" by my grandmother & mother until I was 14. And by home schooled I mean I read the bible with my sister once a day. I finally convinced my mother to let me go to public school as I entered high school (after threatening to call CPS on her for denying me an education, I don't know, I was young.) Within the first 2 months I realized how NOT prepared I was for the real world. I began to become extremely confused, and started to date of my classmates. The boy took advantage of my naive nature, and convinced me to spend time with him alone in my room while my mother was at the store. After the garage door closed the boy severely beat and raped me for 2 hours, and then left me there to bleed out. My mother came home, freaked out, and after a week finally took me to the police station to file a report. No one did anything because I was "obviously doing it for attention", I had an officer tell me that to my face. Nothing was ever done about it, and I still had to go to school and be in the same class as him. After that my sister got pregnant and we moved with my grandparents to another state. I started to disband from my family at 16, and couch hopped from friend to friend after I couldn't handle my mothers abusiveness anymore. I battled severe depression, identity issues, self harm, so many things were wrong with me.
No one wanted to help me anymore because I was so empty and bitter. I started to use mens affection towards me to help me better my situation, have a place to sleep, food to eat. I was never NOT in a relationship, I acquired the status "mooch, and homey hopper" because of this. I also learned that the person that raped me had Herpes Simplex 2, and that I now had it for the rest of my life. With that information I HEAVILY got into drugs and became addicted to heroine & opiates. I started spending more time in the library trying to give myself an education since I was robbed of mine. I became even more robotic and dead on the inside, so bad to the point that I overdosed on purpose. Was stuck in an abusive relationship for a year. (Please bear with me, I am trying to get to the point, somehow.) Finally, at the age of 18, I got my GED ALL BY MYSELF, moved in with my estranged father back in my homestate and was prepared to start trying my hand at building my life.

Then I met my (now) husband, through a mutual friend.
Just like all relationships before him, I immediately fell head over heels. Needed to be with him 24 hours a day/7 days a week, no one has ever been as amazing as you, i love you on the 3rd day, blah blah blah. At this point I had started to make up stories about myself, I don't know why I did, it was an impulse thing. I still do it to this day. Maybe because my real life sucked so bad that I thought no one would be interested in me because I was piece of crap. He accepted my disease, and my problems, and vowed to take care of me. I moved in with him and his family 2 weeks later. And a year later we got married, I was 19 about to be 20, he was freshly 21. We finally moved into our own apartment, but because he was so absent minded he lost his job and we were almost homeless. I have to worry everyday that he might lose his new job because he is always so busy being in his own head, that he does a poor job with everything.

We are exact opposites, he was babied his whole life, is spoiled, naive towards the world, and has NO idea how to do anything without someone guiding him. He has no future plans, has somehow found a way to be addicted to Cannabis, and is self centered. He acts like a child, and it drives me insane. I have to make every decision, I have to talk for him because he has no idea how to talk to people when he is trying to do something (like for instance, rent an apartment, or anything for that matter.) I can't talk to him about anything because he is so emotional that he blows things out of proportion and cries hysterically. We fight a lot, mostly because I hold how frustrated I am with him inside to the point where I explode.
I regret my marriage to him, I wish that I had the knowledge then, that I have now.

I don't feel like his wife, I feel like his mother, and I hate it.
My whole life I had done what other people told me to without saying no, because no apparently doesn't mean no. And I let myself get into this situation because I didn't want to "hurt his feelings", which I understand was stupid. Now I'm trapped in this marriage that I am completely miserable with because he is unable to grow up. I want to be able to live my life and enjoy it, but I'm not able to because I have to walk on eggshells with his emotions. I don't know what to do.

I am sorry this was so long, and probably made no sense, and is missing a lot of key information.

I have never been able to talk to someone about how I feel, so my emotions just kind of get all jumbled up and i don't know how to express them.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

you went through alot and grew up very fast, he is 21 and hasnt experienced the bad side of life, it will likely take him awhile. without facing much adversity, maturity can come late.

i am so sorry for what you have been through, i hope your life turns around and everything works out for you


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

I know how you feel and my heart goes out to you!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

We all go thru this crap about not hurting each others feels, and before you know it the respect goes away. I mean poeple will get away with only what we tolorate.

Some times you have to turn the trash cans over, sometimes you have to have the tough love and confidence to just let them go. 

Then it will be up to them to turn a corner and face the issue. A confidence that tells other that "I diserve good things" and will stop tolorating the crap.

See for every action there is a reaction and with no reaction from you, it will continue. So stand up and tell your self you diserve good things and be willing to let him go. 

You can't control him, but you can control what you will tolorate.

So as calmly as you can tell him you will lose him and let him go b/c you are not his mother and as he continues, the respect you have for him goes with it. I guess a warning of things to come as you become more controlling and he becomes a wuss to the choices he has made in not being the alpha male you need.

The good side is as the both of you get older, he will continue to get emasculated and then you can do and make him do what ever you want....good luck on having a fullfilled and healthy marriage.

Stop being affraid to be mean *now* b/c as you get older it will become easier as time goes on.

Babe , its not worth it!!!! its been my experience that sitting on your hands will only grow resentment and anger, so act now.

Be it MC and /or IC get the professional help (even if you go alone) so the the both of you can learn the tools to have a healthy marriage. Or else!


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

You are not a peice of crap! Dont break yourself down like that.
Everyones life takes it own turns by the choices you make, the people in your life and your response to your own.

Dont make up stories.
My childlife sucked Super Azz and i made it through. I take anti-depressants to help me with feeling down and my anger that was caused by alot of wrong things in my life. I am still learning how to accept them. I have let many things go and put my future in front of me. Looking behind is always going to be difficult. Just because we are living, doesnt make it easy honey. I can tell that you are depressed, drugs over time will do this to you and alter things in the brain. Maybe you can seek something to help you cope. Let me tell you, i have hated medicine my whole life. I have been so against it unless i was incredibly sick and was pressured into it, and finally gave in. Now, i am thankful that i have gave in by my own will. I feel so much better knowing that i can have some edge taken off and out of me. Dwelling on the things you have done in your life will only make it harder for you to get past the pain you feel inside. I share that with you. It is harder said than done. You cant be stubburn about everything in your path. Even though its easy to do that. It's easy to do wrong, but hard to do right.

I would like to add that, cannabis, will change the personality. Those things will start to consume someone and start to take away parts of them. Any drug will. Ive witnessed it more times than i can count. They all eventually start to destroy, honesty, loyalty, courage, and so many other things. I think if he stopped that would help him out a bunch.
Also i'd like to tell you that when you make someones life easy for them they get used to it and start to act as if they are deserving of laziness and neglect of their responsibilities. 
Your ages can be a problem if you let it. We all reach maturity and different times and levels in our lives. For a young man, he still has the " Life is freewill" attitude. Envolving sex, partying (not saying he does that) coming and going as he pleases with no regard to your feelings and needs. Not all men are this way, but as you stated he was very spoiled, had life handed to him. It may just take him a while to get a grasp on reality. What better to have you there for his continuation of indulging and spoiling. 
I do feel though fro mwhat you have said that you seem to really care for him and want him to be with you and work with you. This is where the cannabis stops, the communication starts to come in and you both work on your differences in the relationship.
They take alot of time and effort. You have to be willing to give that.
I want you to know though. If you expect him to change that, you need to bring that truth of your real life out. Knowing that you are hiding it is only going to hurt you worse. Afterall, your husband is the one you confide in first and foremost with the truth and he should be reluctant in accepting you. He feel for a girl he doesnt truly know. can you imagine how he is going to feel once you tell him? Then again, he may be very understanding, upset for just a little bit, but if hes there FOR YOU and WITH YOU, he will learn to love you for your past present and future.


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## LastUnicorn (Jul 10, 2012)

You've had an incredible amount of painful experiences to deal with, huge kudos for continuing your education on your own and fighting so hard to get to a better place! :smthumbup: it also sounds like are very self aware, recognizing that even though things are better, it could be even better than what it currently is now.

When people are in survival mode, even a clawed out hand hold on the side of a cliff is better than no grip at all, I'm sure you understand that. There is no shame or blame needed, you did what you could to survive.

I think you are realizing now that probably the reason you are with your SO is that he too was a hand hold on the cliff face. He is so vulnerable and inexperienced with life experiences, child like even, that you knew he at least was no danger to you. This relationship was probably a refuge, a place where you could curl up for a bit to rest and regain your strength to climb again. Keep in mind if you move on it may be instinctual to choose other partners not as an equal, but because you know they not a threat.

You didn't say how old the two of you are now, still in 20's? With the childhood you had you were forced to grow up pretty fast, it may be years before your husband can match your maturity, if ever. He very well may have chosen you because of your strength, or perhaps as a mother figure?

No real armchair advice here, except communication, maturity and some respect and mutual goals are needed.


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## dixieangel (Jun 28, 2012)

He needs to have some tough love and people have to stop enabling him so he can grow up.


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