# I think he has a crush on a coworker



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Hi. This is my first post. I have been married for almost 15yrs. My husband and I have had a pretty good marriage but definately some rough patches. About 4yrs ago he broke his ankle sledding and worked from home for a couple of weeks. One day he left his email open and there were 18 emails back and forth between him and a girl at his office. They were "youre so awesome" and "thank you, no thank you".... and so on. You know unneccessary and flirtatious. When I brought it up his answer was "from now on I will just work at the office". Not "wow, that is alot. Im sorry that does look bad. I will be more mindful of that". So then several arguments later he swore he had never had any such contact with other women at the office and is strictly professional. I doubted it but chose to move on. Then in July our daughter was having some health issues and we had a dr. appt for her w/an oncologist. Another girl at his office texted him saying "I have been EXPECTING to hear from you all day. I am in tears. " He quickly hid the phone but i had already read it. Later when we took our daughter to school I got out to take her in and turned to go back to the car for something and he was texting her. If there was nothing to it why didnt he just answer her in front of me and why on earth would she 'expect' to hear from him and be in 'tears' waiting???
so fast forward all summer and fall he mentions her name ALOT. Our oldest was home from college for Christmas and he mentioned her so much that our college kid said "mom, who is ---?" So I asked him if he realizes how much he talks about her and he says yeah I guess I do. Then he says he does because he was trying to overcompensate b/c he knew I'd be jealous of her????? when I asked why would I be jealous of her? He said " because she is young, thin and powerful"!!!!!! OMG! yes, he said that to me! Like I am old and nine hundred pounds and apparently weak.! Then he is confused when I get mad that he is comparing me to her negatively. He denies any attraction to her whatsoever. He is bending over backward to be affectionate and sweet to me but the problem is that I cant trust him at all! I am feeling very resentful and angry. And I feel like there is alot I dont know. Everyday when he walks out the door to go to work and sit 10ft from her for 10hrs, I just want to scream!

Anyone had a similar experience? Advice?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

time to do some serious snooping

keylogger on computer
tell us his phone so we can direct you if you can retrieve his texts
VAR in his car


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

First, you need to decide whether you will accept an affair. If he's sleeping with women from his office, will you divorce him? Would you want to stay married if he ended the affairs? If you refuse to accept infidelity, then you need to find out what he's up to.

If you know his passwords, check his email and Facebook. If you don't, and even if you do, install a keylogger on your home PC. That will allow you to read his emails and even find any secret accounts that he uses just for affair correspondence.

Also, check his phone and phone records. Is he calling and texting any numbers inappropriate amounts and at inappropriate times? If he has a smartphone, you can put spyware on the phone so that all text messages can be forwarded to you.

Also, you can put a voice-activated recorder (VAR) under the seat of his car. This will record any conversations he has with other women.

You may also want to put a GPS tracker on his car, although the phone spyware is sometimes capable of that, to see if he's going to anybody's house for long lunches.

These steps will be very effective in either exposing an affair, or ruling one out.

In the meantime, start running the 180 (changing your behaviors 180 degrees) on him. Sometimes that will snap a disloyal spouse out of the fog he's in because he sees that he's in danger of losing his marriage.

The Healing Heart: The 180

Good luck.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Take your time gather info, at the very least it's just maybe an E/A or hopefully maybe nothing. read on here on TAM, knowledge is power, do your home work, Read, read read, read A/R's links, get yourself prepared to come up with a good plan...you will get all kinds of good feedback here, listen to what these folks are saying, understand it, implement it, will save you time and some pain.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

I would have already done the phone spy/records thing but its provided by his job. They pay the bill. Its a blackberry. I cant download any spyware on it i dont think because its company owned and he uses his company laptop also. He is very aware of the situation we are in right now. He knows I dont trust him to tell me what color the sky is. Supposedly,he is trying to find a new job. Its really hard to even make eye contact with him because I'm so resentful of this situation. You asked if I would leave him if I Knew he was having an affair and I think the answer at this point is yes. It's yes because I have given him every opportunity to be honest with me and so if I were to find that he was just continuing to deceive me I would not be able to forgive him. Everyday when he walks in the door I am both relieved and enraged. I love him but not the same way that I used to and I'm not sure I ever will.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

strugglinghusband said:


> Take your time gather info, at the very least it's just maybe an E/A or hopefully maybe nothing. read on here on TAM, knowledge is power, do your home work, Read, read read, read A/R's links, get yourself prepared to come up with a good plan...you will get all kinds of good feedback here, listen to what these folks are saying, understand it, implement it, will save you time and some pain.


struggling,

Forgive me, but what is TAM ?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

this website

*T*alk *A*bout *M*arriage


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

canttrustu said:


> I would have already done the phone spy/records thing but its provided by his job. They pay the bill. Its a blackberry. I cant download any spyware on it i dont think because its company owned and he uses his company laptop also.


OK. You should still try to get access to the phone/laptop when he's out of the house or asleep. You may be able to check his history on the devices themselves. If he's password protected them, or he clears his history and texts, then that will be a dead end. I would go with a VAR under the seat of his car. If he's talking to other women, he's likely doing it in his car, where he has the most privacy. A GPS tracker may be helpful as well.

Another option that some here propose, although I'm not sold on its effectiveness, is a polygraph. Polygraphs have not been shown to be reliably accurate, but sometimes a disloyal spouse will cave in and confess when the loyal spouse insists upon a polygraph.



canttrustu said:


> He is very aware of the situation we are in right now. He knows I dont trust him to tell me what color the sky is.


That probably means he's working hard to cover his tracks.



canttrustu said:


> You asked if I would leave him if I Knew he was having an affair and I think the answer at this point is yes. It's yes because I have given him every opportunity to be honest with me and so if I were to find that he was just continuing to deceive me I would not be able to forgive him. Everyday when he walks in the door I am both relieved and enraged. I love him but not the same way that I used to and I'm not sure I ever will.


It's useful for you to think of these scenarios so that you're not caught unaware. Many betrayed spouses are hit between the eyes with evidence of affairs and, because of that, handle it wrong. It's best to decide what you want, what you're willing to accept, and proceed from that position. If you uncover evidence of an affair, you won't waste time wondering what to do. You can just put plan A into motion immediately.


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## remmebr (Feb 21, 2012)

I am going through a similar issue - if I put a GPS tracker under the car seat, would it be easy for him to know it is there? I would not want him finding out that I am checking up on him. Thoughts?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

remmebr said:


> I am going through a similar issue - if I put a GPS tracker under the car seat, would it be easy for him to know it is there? I would not want him finding out that I am checking up on him. Thoughts?


As long as you secured it under there so it won`t be sliding out from under you should be fine.

Not many people spend much time looking under their car seat.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

At this point, if I were you, I would simply take the good advice already offered and start gathering information.

What you collect, or do not collect, will dictate your path from there. I hope all is well and that he is just an insensitive jerk and not an insensitive jerk that is also fooling around on you.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Do some snooping, AR said.
You need to recollect from the past what he said and compare his texts etc to find out if there are gaps.
do a little investigative work.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

tell me about your issue pls. What are you noticing?


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## remmebr (Feb 21, 2012)

It all started a year ago where my husband was texting all of the time. At one point I asked him who he was texting and he immediately replied that he was texting his buddy and when I asked if I could see the text he got weird and said it was a friend from work and he knew I would be mad at him for texting a girl. At about the same time he started working out, whitened his teeth, bought new clothes,was wearing cologne each day. I finally pulled the phone records and found 1400 texts per month between the 2of them. I blew up and he apologized telling me it wss inappropriate...but also saying they were just friends. I called the other girl and she also told me that they were just friends. The texting stopped and we started to work on the relationship. This past summer I noticed my husband coming home from work later or going out for drinks after work...which he never used to do. I also noticed that he was spending a lot of time on his iPod touch. I found him one day in our laundry room with the door shut texting..,so I called him on it and he denied texting her. I went to review all downloads on our apple computer and found that he downloaded a free texting application and confronted him about it. He finally told me that he was texting her and had feelings for his coworker. We are still living together as he doesn't know what he wants and I am trying to give him his space, but it is so hard as he still is doing what he wants...coming home whenever he feels like it...and most of the time he doesn't treat me even like a friend. I don't have any proof of him going to her house, etc...so I was thinking that I would like to track him and if I caught him going to her house, I would be done.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Sorry about your situation. You need to collect evidence... Maybe hire a PI, if you can afford. You cannot confront him without hard evidences.
In the meantime, you need to pretend that you are normal, although it could be hard.
I think he is deep in his affair, from what you have narrated. Hard for you. But you should stay strong. We are with you.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Hi everyone,

Just a quick update. He still maintains that there was "nothing there" but he can see why I am upset. Well, Im not sure I believe that but for now I'm kind of coasting along and paying very close attention to whats going on. He never mentions her anymore, leaves his phone on the counter and uses the computer sitting next to me now. The fact is, he still works with her everyday so I dont REALLY know whats going on, if anything. Maybe he just learned to stop talking about her. After all of this came to a head I totally did the 180! He is doing all the right things including looking really hard for a new job. My problem is that I just dont trust him and I dont quite feel the same way I did before about him. Dont get me wrong, I love him but I hold back ALOT. One of the jobs he is interviewing for requires some travel and that is really getting to me as there is NO WAY I could be comfortable with this yet! 

I guess my question is how can I start to move forward? I worry that he hasnt been honest(though I cant prove that). And that makes it hard for me to trust him going forward.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

You have enough red flags to make a decent parade.

VAR and GPS seem to be the best for snooping now. 

There are programs you can buy that will show you where a phone is located like a GPS. It works by phone number so it would not matter if it is a company phone or not. I have no idea if these work as advertised however. Maybe some others do know?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Youre not kiddin' about the red flags. Believe me it has been eye opening and painful. Its hard to believe that the person you believed in most would betray you. I'm struggling with that everyday. I have taken the step to find out all there is to know about her. If it is necessary for me to inform her husband, I certainly will. I have his phone number and his email address and their home address. I really hope it doesnt have to happen that way.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Voice activated recorder and GPS tracker in the car are indeed your best bets right now. The car is always a key place for cheaters to talk to the OM/OW because it is considered "safe". If he's talking to her or seeing her you'll catch it with those two and a little time.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> Youre not kiddin' about the red flags. Believe me it has been eye opening and painful. Its hard to believe that the person you believed in most would betray you. I'm struggling with that everyday. I have taken the step to find out all there is to know about her. If it is necessary for me to inform her husband, I certainly will. I have his phone number and his email address and their home address. I really hope it doesnt have to happen that way.


Sorry to say, but since you don't have any documented proof (phone records, copies of text messages or emails) you really don't have anything to show the OW's husband. 

You could try to call him and talk to him about your concerns that your husband and his wife seem to be a little too friendly. Maybe he has the means to investigate from his end. But he could just as well tell his wife about the crazy lady who called him. 50-50 chance. Your choice if you want to roll the dice.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

Ah yes more proof of the world and its true root problems 

i think you know what to do.

Best of luck


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

TDSC60 said:


> Sorry to say, but since you don't have any documented proof (phone records, copies of text messages or emails) you really don't have anything to show the OW's husband.
> 
> You could try to call him and talk to him about your concerns that your husband and his wife seem to be a little too friendly. Maybe he has the means to investigate from his end. But he could just as well tell his wife about the crazy lady who called him. 50-50 chance. Your choice if you want to roll the dice.


I meant that if I get proof I will go straight to him. I wont go half loaded to him. To me that would be suicide. Then I would never get any proof. I think the VAR is a great idea. What is the best kind? Though I think he thinks I have his phone bugged so it is possible that most of their "stuff" goes on at work if it goes on. I really wish I could put a bug on him personally. If it is still going on he is the BEST actor in the universe. When I asked him what she does for him he said "nothing" but then said basically in a backward kind of way that she strokes his ego. So what should I do with that?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Goldmember357 said:


> Ah yes more proof of the world and its true root problems
> 
> i think you know what to do.
> 
> Best of luck


I dont really know what this means....


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> I dont really know what this means....



he thinks we're all Godless infidels


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> he thinks we're all Godless infidels


AR,

Unfortunately, lately Im starting to think so myself. If you would have told me a year ago my H would do this I would not have believed you. Ya know? Even though, given the emails several years ago I probably should have,I still wouldnt have. So he may be onto something there....lol. As I have learned on here, Never say Never, right?


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> Youre not kiddin' about the red flags. Believe me it has been eye opening and painful. Its hard to believe that the person you believed in most would betray you. I'm struggling with that everyday. I have taken the step to find out all there is to know about her. If it is necessary for me to inform her husband, I certainly will. I have his phone number and his email address and their home address. I really hope it doesnt have to happen that way.


The H should be told that you suspect an inappropriate relationship and why. I wish someone had clued me in


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