# feeling gross = less sex : /



## karma*girl (Apr 28, 2012)

Sometimes, when I feel gross about myself, I don't feel attractive enough to be intimate with my husband.

I, then, feel horrible for not giving him what he deserves just because of my personal troubles. But it happens sometimes. I will totally shy away from anything that will involve him and I sexually..even though I love sex with him.

It's almost as if my mind tries to convince me that I don't have the right to be 'sexy' if I don't look a specific way. 

Intellectually, I know that's wrong, but my feelings about myself tell me that I don't deserve to enjoy sex or closeness...at least at those times. 

I have told him how I feel and that it has nothing to do with him. I love and totally desire him, I just wish I could enjoy myself enough to let him enjoy me too. 

There are other times when I feel fine and don't dwell on anything negative, thank goodness! This is the more common theme to our marriage. The other issue arises off an on. 

Anyway, just wondering if any other ladies go through this. 

Thanks! XO


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Sorry you are going through this. 

Have you heard of Body Dysmorphia Disorder? It sounds like maybe that is what is going on.

I have days that I feel gross and it is usually hormonal because I look normal. It is strange, but it passes. I try not to obsess on it because yeah, it will creep into things like your sex life. 

Have you tracked your period to see if it is hormonal?


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

I'm sorry you are going through this. It is not something I am familiar with. I never think about my body when I want action. And it is not a perfect body, but it does not stop me from enjoying sex. 

of course, there are days when I just do not feel attractive, but that's more about mood, when I do not feel like having sex anyway.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

What makes you feel gross? You mean like if you gain 5 pounds? Or something else?


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

I think you might benefit from individual counseling, to help you feel better about yourself. Right now it affects your relationship, so I would say, this is important. I think you can do it - wiht therapy and your husband's support you should be able to overcome it.


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## karma*girl (Apr 28, 2012)

Thanks ladies: )

Yeah, it definitely coincides with PMS..the week or so before I start, I'm really critical about myself. 
But it happens to an extent at other times, like now, where I'm actually on my period but I'm not emotional or short-tempered anymore.

Things that hinder me- for example, right now, I have a cold sore around my nose & it's SO embarrassing. My face is also broken out in a few places, nothing major, but together, it makes me feel so gross/ugly...like "don't look at me" ugly. 

At first, I avoided looking straight at my husband so he didn't really see me too well. (This sounds terrible as I write it out!) I am okay with him seeing me now, but I don't like feeling so self-conscious. 
That feeling spills right into my sexuality and it dampens it. I hate that. If I could choose, I would not allow that. 

As for my husband, he is reassuring and sweet so it's not him at all- it's ALL me. 
It's so stupid. 

Other things that turn me off and make me feel crappy about myself have to do with body issues. It's weird how I can ignore it sometimes and other times, it takes over my mind/life.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

It's not stupid, it's human.


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## karma*girl (Apr 28, 2012)

Intheory- 

I think I am a perfectionist. It's done nothing for my life, except make it harder. 
I don't really know how to change it though...it sounds like heaven to have the freedom to be happy with myself!


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Three years ago you posted this


karma*girl said:


> FYI- I am petite, fit, healthy- sounds good except, my boobs are very small after nursing for a combined 4 years+ and after 3 kids, my stomach is a mess- add c-section scars & it isn't the most attractive thing.
> 
> My question is, is it possible that he actually wants to see me naked anyway?
> 
> So that's it. I just don't want to disappoint him._Posted via Mobile Device_


Is this what you are talking about when you say you feel gross? Or is it something else? I know I don't want anything sexual when I have thrown up in the last three hours, or have diarrhea, or even bad breath. If I'm all sweaty and itchy from putting insulation in the attic, I'd rather shower first. That kind of gross I understand.

But if I notice my pants are too tight and that I'm short and balding and that I have scars on my left hand. I might wish I was fit and healthy, but it does not make me want to hide from the one person in the whole world who loves me anyway.
MN


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## PM1 (Aug 9, 2011)

You should be proud of yourself for communicating this though, you gave your husband both the information that he was not the reason you were not feeling in the mood and the chance to be supportive. My wife gained some weight recently and basically feels "gross" about herself. Coincidentally, I was a bit caught up in my head over work/life and a bit distant. Apparently I wasn't as touchy-feely as normal and because she had said nothing about her feelings, she started attributing my behavior to her weight. 

I had noticed her gain, but more from a health standpoint as she's always stayed pretty healthy and I hope she can continue to do so (having fought weight and its health effects myself), but I was in no way grossed out or intentionally avoiding contact. 

I guess my roundabout point, although not solving your issue, is that communicating is very healthy and can avoid bad assumptions. (I think everyone must have good and bad days, and when they accidentally light up the wrong way, bad communication can make things much worse). Your approach seems healthy.


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## karma*girl (Apr 28, 2012)

DvlsAdvc8- 

Just want to make sure you know I was talking about my issues being stupid, not my husband: )


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## karma*girl (Apr 28, 2012)

MrNail-

Nice investigating( :

I always have those underlying body issues to contend with, yes. They are a little better than they were 3 years ago, though.

I have moments where I have no issues and think they're behind me, only to fall back into somewhat of the same feelings. 

It's hard to feel sexy, when you don't think you look sexy...for me anyways. 
Which translates into not feeling like sex...even though I am madly in love with my husband..and totally turned on by him.


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## karma*girl (Apr 28, 2012)

PM1-

I definitely let my husband know my thoughts/feelings because I didn't want him to think it was him! We have assumed things before, and you're so right..it causes loads of misconceptions. We've recently had a big talk about communication so we've both been making big effort being transparent. 
Although, sometimes I wonder how bad I am tarnishing his view of me when I let him in on my inner-most worries/concerns/downfalls. 

At one point, he questioned my feelings for him because I was so self-conscious! So right away, I told him how I was feeling. 

It's embarrassing though. I've been with this man for a very long time- he has told me that I shouldn't ever be embarrassed with him. He's right! 
But he also says he wants me to be confident and to that I say, how can I be if I'm not loving the way I feel about myself? 

I told him that I wish I could be this self-assured, amazing, confident woman for him because he deserves that. 
I am afraid of him wondering how life would be like with a woman like that..like "damn, if only she were like her, or her..."etc. : /


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## karma*girl (Apr 28, 2012)

Intheory-

Thank you so much: )
I'm so happy for you that you've been able to get to that holy grail of self-acceptance. That's so awesome! 

My husband is really accepting of me and tries to reassure me that I'm his sexy mama; ) 

I have not yet had the courage, since I have had kids, to let him see my body just standing there, totally nude. It's really, really, really hard for me. Can you believe that!? I can't even let my own husband in on that. 

I know he's seen me, during sex or for a second here or there, but it would be tough to let him look, touch, etc..without me wanting to run. 

Although I do agree, it could help me break through to feeling more comfortable with myself. He has told me before he loves ALL of me and those things don't matter, but he doesn't try to touch or see, because I imagine he doesn't want me to feel uncomfortable.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

karma*girl said:


> Intheory-
> 
> Thank you so much: )
> I'm so happy for you that you've been able to get to that holy grail of self-acceptance. That's so awesome!
> ...


Since you know the part scares you, can you do exactly what you wrote: stand stark naked in your bedroom in front of your husband? The way to overcome a fear/phobia is to face it head on. You can try it tonight and see his response. 

I know my body isn't perfect and never will be, as I have stretch marks from pregnancy, my boobs are kind of flat from extended breastfeeding, I have the "mom pooch" of a stomach, and scars all over from multiple surgeries from a rare birth defect(I'm 5'5 120 lbs). Even with all of that, it has never affected my sex drive. When my husband and I were dating, he would run his finger along my scars, loving every inch of my body. He's my safe place, so I have no reason to hide anything from him. Your husband sounds like none of what you dislike bothers him in the slightest, so why not let him see all of you? It can be a big step forward to knowing you have great support from your husband and learning to accept your body as it is. 

I do think counseling would be a good idea as well to learn to love yourself, all of your perceived flaws and all.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

karma*girl said:


> DvlsAdvc8-
> 
> Just want to make sure you know I was talking about my issues being stupid, not my husband: )


Yeah, I'm not referring to your husband. Your issues aren't stupid. You're not stupid for having them. They're human.

We all have insecurities that may make us feel less confident from time to time, or swings in self-image. You're not alone or stupid in having those issues.

Some people come to terms with themselves rather quickly, others come to terms later. The best thing you can do is be the best you that you can be and accept the rest of you for what you are. In the end, your husband chose you... nobody forced him to. It's a little different, but when I go out and socialize, I like to get myself prepped for sky-high confidence. I do so by doing certain things that always seem to make me feel like a [email protected] earlier in the day. So by the time I go out, I'm invincible. Examples of mine include a good workout pump ("Helloooooo buff dvls!" haha... or I'll run a nearby trail that has a lot of nifty hops and strides to avoid obstacles and always makes me feel like a ninja... or I'll head out on my motorcycle and pull some wheelies). 

Do you have any things that make you feel awesome for being you? A lot of times you can leverage these things to bring up your mood and positive focus by doing them whenever you lose your way. Mantras work in a similar way. These words and actions work to actually convince yourself of the positive. They work against the tendency to doubt or be dissatisfied with yourself.

Also, and I'm not sure it applies to your case, but it's helpful to limit your time on social media. It encourages us to compare ourselves to others... and not only others, but usually idealized others... the parts they want you to see. Unplug.


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## Brigit (Apr 28, 2015)

karma*girl said:


> Sometimes, when I feel gross about myself, I don't feel attractive enough to be intimate with my husband.
> 
> I, then, feel horrible for not giving him what he deserves just because of my personal troubles. But it happens sometimes. I will totally shy away from anything that will involve him and I sexually..even though I love sex with him.
> 
> ...


I've been going through this my whole life. I've never felt attractive enough. Never. Now that I'm in my 40's it's even worse. So what do I do? I try not to compare myself to other women so limit my time looking at photoshopped bikini models. But I can't hide from other beautiful women. They are everywhere. I spend a lot of time with appearance maintenance. Highlighting my hair, working out, clean eating etc. I will never be a 22 year old supermodel, in fact, I'll never even be 22 again. That isn't in my control. I try and refocus myself on what is in my control. Looks do count in our society but they really aren't the whole package. Being kind and compassionate is important. Maybe work on those qualities. They'll probably leave you more satisfied.


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