# Has she fallen out of love, or can it be saved?



## Der_Hazmat (Feb 4, 2019)

Was told by the community to post here, maybe I can get even more help. Ok so, my wife and I have been together for 6 years (Married for 6 months) also have 2 children, and lately things have been falling apart. We married because i was initially going to join the Air Force, but it didnt pan out. So about a year ago, she was playing with her old friend on xbox until very late in the morning and ended up having an online affair with him. It took her a gut wretching month to realize how badly she had hurt me. I wasnt the best partner at the time, i drank alot back then. However i have changed for the better, but cant seem to shake the thought of what she did and worry that she might be doing it again. She plays until 3 am almost every night and it seems like shes just doing it to get attention from all the guys on there. I wake up, dont see her there and my heart just drops. Im emotionally exhausted and physically drained from this. She also takes pictures of us off of her instagram when we argue. I just dont know what to do. I dont want a divorce and i dont want to leave my kids behind. She agreed to go to marriage counseling, but i think shes just going to shut me up. We cant ever have a discussion without it turning into an arguement. Also another big thing for her is her best friend who is a girl. This "friend" has never liked me. No matter what ive done (buying her lunch when my wife is with me) she has always resented me. Never anything good to say about me and my wife buys into that nonsense. Never defends me when she starts chirping. Thanks.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Sorry to say she is probably still in the affair. 

I wish I could tell you that there is hope with her, but then I don't think I would be giving you good advice. What I can tell you is there is hope, though probably not with her. You can't make her want you or love you. 

As far as leaving your kids behind, the hell with that. Go for joint custody and be the best Dad you can be. 

Sadly some things in life end, sounds like your wife has left you at least emotionally.

I would file, and give her the papers. Maybe then it will become real to her and she will change, but if not your wife is not your only path to happiness.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Der_Hazmat said:


> Was told by the community to post here, maybe I can get even more help. Ok so, my wife and I have been together for 6 years (Married for 6 months) also have 2 children, and lately things have been falling apart. We married because i was initially going to join the Air Force, but it didnt pan out. So about a year ago, she was playing with her old friend on xbox until very late in the morning and ended up having an online affair with him. It took her a gut wretching month to realize how badly she had hurt me. I wasnt the best partner at the time, i drank alot back then. However i have changed for the better, but cant seem to shake the thought of what she did and worry that she might be doing it again. She plays until 3 am almost every night and it seems like shes just doing it to get attention from all the guys on there. I wake up, dont see her there and my heart just drops. Im emotionally exhausted and physically drained from this. She also takes pictures of us off of her instagram when we argue. I just dont know what to do. I dont want a divorce and i dont want to leave my kids behind. She agreed to go to marriage counseling, but i think shes just going to shut me up. We cant ever have a discussion without it turning into an arguement. Also another big thing for her is her best friend who is a girl. This "friend" has never liked me. No matter what ive done (buying her lunch when my wife is with me) she has always resented me. Never anything good to say about me and my wife buys into that nonsense. Never defends me when she starts chirping. Thanks.


There's an easy way to find out. Just get a VAR (voice activated recorder), and put it somewhere close to where she games. Ideally, very close to where she sits, and farther away from the TV to avoid the game audio from activating it. Review the recordings 3-4 days later, and see what's going on while you're away.

With regard to everything turning into an argument, I'd recommend you purchase the book "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work". It has helpful ideas for how to communicate your ideas without arousing defensiveness, or a stonewalling reaction.

Her best friend... have you thought about talking to her? Next time you see her, just say "Mind if I ask you a question?" - "Sure" - "Why do you hate my guts?". Keep your tone upbeat and inquisitive. She'll either laugh, or give you a stare of death. Either way, she has little choice but to give you some kind of answer.


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## BruceBanner (May 6, 2018)

Is her best friend single? Does she party a lot?


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## niceguy47460 (Dec 23, 2018)

Find out everything you can about what they are talking about . maybe check her phone to see who is texting her and what they are texting even her friend . put var's where ever she might talk to someone . i can almost tell you for sure they are not just on the game if she is really into it . if the old friend is close by they have meet in person . and start Looking at how the kids are treated . most of the time they will disconnect from the kids too . because they just focus on the AP . and document everything you notice about how she treats you and especially the kids for full custody . and talk to a lawyer about your options . 

Get prepared for what you are going to find out and be prepared to walk away . because once it starts with someone else like i know it has by what you are saying she is gone . she has feelings for the OM . since she would rather be online with him instead of being with you . she has feelings for them and not you .


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Hi Haz, she's still cheating. Herbahavior has all the earmarks of it. Start your 180 and buy her the book "Not Just Friends" by (I can't recall the author right now). It lays out why affairs happen and how to combat them.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Also download the book MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER. It will explain male femal attraction and more. 

How is your sexlife? Any changes at all in the last few years? 

VAR - voice activated recorder. Sony about 50 bucks is great. Test it to make sure settings don’t give it away. Some phones can be used if you have old ones lying about.

Again, how far away does your suspected affair partner live? If she is up at 3am does that mean she doesn’t work?


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> Also download the book MARRIED MAN SEX LIFE PRIMER. It will explain male female attraction and more.
> 
> How is your sexlife? Any changes at all in the last few years?
> 
> ...


Oh no. Here come the Nay Sayers! You mentioned THE BOOK!!
BTW your links in your sig don't work anymore.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

When I see someone who gat married after having two kids is a big red flag for me. Why not get married after the first one? There was a reason why you didn't. I'm guessing she thinks it was a mistake, maybe you do to or did at some point. I only say that because it sounds like you guys are pretty young and might have made some unwise decisions you weren't both ready for early in life. It sounds like you have matured more than her, the question is does she want to or is she stuck in teenager mode. 

I think if you want to save this marriage you are going to need a complete reset of things. I think this would include you both growing up a little bit. Hey I'm 41 and play video games with my son and his friends from time to time, but when something is interfering with you relationship those things need to be stopped or restricted so there is much more us time. The fact that she is having online affairs and still spending so much time with this stuff means to me that she prefers the virtual world to the real world. The gaming can be addictive that is a proven fact, it will be a big adjustment but I would say she needs an extended detox from it for a good period of time and then only return to playing with a limited schedule. 

Other people are much better equipped than me to give advice on dealing with the potential infidelity.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

i don't know buddy. i'd love to say things can be repaired and give some kind of really good guru advice, but she sounds very immature.

anybody that's married and pursuing/flirting guys on xbox doesn't sound like a keeper to me.

and the way she treats you ain't good either. that's also a sign of immaturity.

she needs to grow up, and i'm not sure you can make her do that. she's got to do it on her own.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

So she was having an on-line affair before you married and you say that the reason you married is because you intended to join the Air Force. Not a very good reason for marriage. You mentioned leaving the kids - do they not have your name??

What you have is a wife who had an affair before marriage and a marriage for the wrong reason. Plus a wife who has not changed her behavior from the time she was in the affair. She is likely still heavily into the affair or affairs.

Things do not look good. Accept that she will not change just to please you. You should not expect her to do so at this point. Only six months married and everything is falling apart. If she only agreed to MC to shut you up, it will not help and will be a waste of time and money.

Best to take care of yourself and your kids and cut her loose to do as she wants. She is going to do that anyway.

Just ask her straight "Do you want to stay married"? And "why"?


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

I would plant a hidden VAR in the room she plays the Xbox. If she is interacting with him verbally in the game you will catch this quick smart.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

How is she able to function during the day if she stays up late? I am guessing her working hours are not typical 9-5.

Why do you think it's about male attention?

You didn't say much about your relationship, so I must fill in the blanks. It seems like you are living separately in the same house. What do you do when she is playing games? What is your daily life together? To me, again filling in the blanks, it sounds like you work 9-5-ish, when you come home you and wife and kids eat and then you do the typical bathing and getting the kids to bed. Then you watch TV an hour and go to bed and so does she, but as soon as you're asleep she gets up and goes to play. She doesn't ask you to play together. I'm guessing you mostly provide the finances, she mostly provides the household-kids and house.

Can you clarify?

Top cheating signs are hiding/guarding the communications and cold, distant behavior. There is a difference of cheating and being open to it.

How long was the affair? How did you find out? How did she behave after you caught her? Does she still talk with her old friend the cheater?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Der_Hazmat said:


> > Has she fallen out of love, or can it be saved?
> 
> 
> Was told by the community to post here, maybe I can get even more help. Ok so,* my wife and I have been together for 6 years (Married for 6 months) also have 2 children*, and lately things have been falling apart. We married because i was initially going to join the Air Force, but it didnt pan out. *So about a year ago, she was playing with her old friend on xbox until very late in the morning and ended up having an online affair with him.* It took her a gut wretching month to realize how badly she had hurt me. *I wasnt the best partner at the time, i drank alot back then*. However i have changed for the better, but *cant seem to shake the thought of what she did and worry that she might be doing it again.* *She plays until 3 am almost every night and it seems like shes just doing it to get attention from all the guys* on there. I wake up, dont see her there and my heart just drops. Im emotionally exhausted and physically drained from this. She also takes pictures of us off of her instagram when we argue. I just dont know what to do. *I dont want a divorce and i dont want to leave my kids behind. She agreed to go to marriage counseling,* but i think shes just going to shut me up. We cant ever have a discussion without it turning into an arguement. Also another big thing for her is her best friend who is a girl. This "friend" has never liked me. No matter what ive done (buying her lunch when my wife is with me) she has always resented me. Never anything good to say about me and my wife buys into that nonsense. Never defends me when she starts chirping. Thanks.


First, yes a marriage can be saved, but both must want to save the marriage.

Have you apologized to your wife for your drinking and actions? Have you apologized for having two children with her before marriage? Have you really forgiven her for her on-line affair? It sounds like you haven't. 

Have you politely talked to her about her late night gaming and how it bothers you? You can't change your wife, but you can change yourself and what kind of treatment you will accept from your wife. MW Davis has a great book called Divorce Busting, you might want to read how you changing yourself can change the dynamic in your marriage, such that things get better or get worse. 

You say you want to save your marriage and your wife has agreed to marriage counseling. That is a good start. Good luck.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The only way I've ever seen a woman stop cheating is if the man immediately prepares to end the marriage and she has to chase him to beg him to keep her. File. Either way you'll get a better situation than you have now.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

turnera said:


> The only way I've ever seen a woman stop cheating is if the man immediately prepares to end the marriage and she has to chase him to beg him to keep her. File. Either way you'll get a better situation than you have now.


SO true!
From my experience they have a very hard time admitting guilt or showing empathy to their spouse.


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