# What constitutes a serial cheater?



## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

What exactly constitutes a serial cheater? I have been looking online and most of the references involve rich celebrities with lifestyles that are definitely not the norm. But, what about the real world? Is it more than one PA in a few years time, or more than 3 EA's? I know my exh was a serial cheater, although he doesn't. So where in the sand is the line drawn, that changes the definition from a cheater to a serial cheater?

Many thanks in advance.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

I consider anyone who has cheated more than once, at any point in her/his life a serial cheater. I think the distinction between these folks and other , one time cheaters is that they demonstrate that they learned nothing by their mistakes and that they really see nothing wrong with cheating.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Serial cheating is a life style, rich or poor, famous or just some "joe". Serial cheating is a behavior that is addictive and the chemicials in the brain make a wayward continue to sleep around even though the pain the next morning sucks.

Some folks have there wires crossed and the moral compass is broken. In my experience the behavior is not a constant, but an on and off behavior that last for years.

In my case my W was straight for 3 to 5 years but went wayward, then straight again for a few more years. As her addiction progressed it got as bad as ONS on a monthly bases.

My point is serial cheating is a behavior flaw that continues throught ones life......a life style. 

It is up to that person to make the the changes in them selve to stop this addiction, change thier unhealthy life style. Theres not a damb thing we can do, but control the thing we have control over.

I hope this makes sense, b/c there is a big difference between a mistake and a consistant behavior that leads to self distruction.


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

the guy said:


> Serial cheating is a life style, rich or poor, famous or just some "joe". Serial cheating is a behavior that is addictive and the chemicials in the brain make a wayward continue to sleep around even though the pain the next morning sucks.
> 
> Some folks have there wires crossed and the moral compass is broken. In my experience the behavior is not a constant, but an on and off behavior that last for years.
> 
> ...


This makes total sense to me. I look back over the 24 years I was with my exh and I see the pattern now, at first it was just polite to women, a little glance here and there. Then flirting because it made him and them feel good. He had a PA when separated and kept seeing her when we were "working on things", because he wasn't sure if we would work out. This is when I really noticed the change, he started contacting women from his past of over 10 years, telling them how hot they were now. Started chatting sexually and flirting online, stupid FB. Then to a ons, then off to multiple ea's many at the same time and coming home at 4am when off work at 11pm.

My ex should be a professional gaslighter, after reading my above statement I cannot believe that I was doubting my belief he was a serial cheat.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

You shoud read "The Sociopath Next Door".


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

My ex husband was a serial cheater. He has never been faithful in any relationship he has ever been in nor will he ever be faithful in any future relationships. He was cheating on me before we got married and after we were married. He even had sex with another woman the night before we got married. He had at least 10 affair partners that I know of. I would bet there were more though. Two of those he formed a relationship with, the rest were just fvck buddies. I was with him for 15 yrs, married 14. I stayed with him for several reasons, with one being I didn't want to face the reality of the situation. Serial cheaters are often very narcissistic people who blame and gaslight their spouses so bad that the spouse actually believes they are at fault for their cheating spouses actions. I am now happily divorced from my serial cheating husband and I now know that I was never responsible for his cheating but I still often kick myself for ever staying with him as long as I did.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Better late than never Apple.


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## 52flower (Mar 4, 2011)

This topic has been on my mind - thanks for bringing it up. I, also, have researched trying to straighten out the distinction but still don't have a clear understanding. 

I read the "Sociopath Next Door" and while it was interesting, I didn't think it exactly applied to my exH. Unless I misunderstand, it seems that sociopaths have no empathy whereas narcissists do but are skillful in turning it off so that they can justify that what they want is not bad. My exH had me so turned around in believing that his flirting meant nothing to him, that the questionable evidence was nonsense...just crazy women contacting him, that the realtor was on the up and up. All of it based on lies that I wanted to believe was the truth until I couldn't deny it any longer. And yet, when he heard of something sad happening to someone, he had a soft heart that melted & couldn't stand to see their hurt. I guess it was OK to have empathy when it didn't concern something that he did.

So my husband had 1 EA and 2 PAs (both of them involved him moving out with them) and probably more that I do not know of. He moved across the country with his current partner. We divorced almost a year ago and they are still together despite what the statistics say. He says that he finally learned and does not want to lie or cheat anymore because he is tired of it (he is 58 and she is 44). I do not see any evidence that he has truly "hit the wall" and he still says he misses me & wishes he was back. Does that qualify as cheating on her???

I believe the first few years he was somewhat "good". But as I think about it now, I see signs of his tendency thereafter (married 17 years). For the sake of understanding these type of people, is he a serial cheater and will he always be?


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

I would guess that a very high% of serial cheaters, and,perhaps a slightly lower% of folks in LTAs, are disordered personalities.
Just think about the selfishness and the comfort and aplomb they have with lying, longterm. Thye can sleep and function normally while doing this.
I do not think a normal person could be so adept and functional while engaged in this.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Arnold said:


> You shoud read "The Sociopath Next Door".


I have that around here somewhere. I agree with maybe 60% of it.


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## Bartimaus (Oct 15, 2011)

And they of course become a serial liar. And the lies and cheating get so severe that they get careless with what they are doing and usually leave a trail of red flags for miles. Like shoplifters that start out sneaky and careful but get to the point of walking out the store door with a large screen tv thinking no one will check them.lol.
It seems to me that this is easier for women to get this extreme because co-workers will tell on a man before they tell on a woman for fear of violence. The more I would try to get my WW to stop the more she did it out of spite it seemed. And yes,they do become addicted and though my wife is 57 she still flirts with younger guys I guess for the 'rush'. She looks younger and is petite and pretty but if I question her about something I saw her do...she tells me she has never been flirted with:scratchhead:....Yeah,right!!!
After reading this thread so far I am wondering if I have spent my life with a sociopath that I have let rugsweep and thus she has continually got worse.


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

Arnold said:


> Better late than never Apple.


Isn't that the truth. It saddens me I'm figuring this all out in my early 40's, but thankful I'm not in my 60's. 

So what happens after you figure out your spouse or ex has BPD? I do feel somewhat of an obligation to try and get him the help he needs. If not he will just bring pain to others in his life, which will filter down to our children. Or do we just walk away? It's beyond taxing to try and convince someone they have an issue, even with all the evidence in front of him, and years of it, he cannot accept that he needs help. He does think he "may" have ADD which causes him to be impulsive and did agree to go to counseling 3 months ago, but has only gone twice, due to scheduling issues.

Would reading "The Sociopath Next Door" offer me any insight or guidance?


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## onthefence16 (Aug 21, 2011)

I have a confirmed diagnosis of my WH BPD...from a professional....I should have known then that it would only get worse....porn addiction to lust to EA to PA.....and I wonder why I am still trying...I wonder to myself am I crazy.....??????


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Once that line is crossed, it makes it so much easier to cross it again until there is no line. Anything more than once, whether it be EAs or PAs is what I would consider a serial cheater. Now I'm not saying "Once a cheater, always a cheater", because there are always exceptions to that. 

Some cheat, become remorseful, and never cross that line again. But from what I've seen in real life, and reading forums on the web, those people are the exception, not the rule. This is why I have to give credit where credit is due to all the former waywards in this very forum who have been on the other side, have reformed, and help all the betrayed here. Yes, they cheated but learned from that experience and take the time to help others. That shows real character.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I view it as the supreme court views obscenity- I know it when I see it


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## sinkingfeeling (May 20, 2011)

Gulp. This is a very insightful thread. Can feel myself falling back into the trap but I know WH is a serial cheater. Need to keep strong. 

5 weeks after EA/PA (he says EA, OW says PA), he talked me round but I discovered his profile on an adult site. I did a honey trap and he fell for it hook, line and sinker. Of course, as soon as I exposed it, he went with the "i knew it was you all along" approach. 

He knows this time he's been well and truly rumbled. He's currently out looking for somewhere else to live. Despite a couple of feeble attempts yesterday at a hug and a "try again?", I think he finally realises the game is up and he has nowhere left to hide his dirty little secrets. 

I sound strong, I know. But I'm not, I'm a mess. I would do anything to wake up from the dream, for him to realise what/who is about to leave his life and fight tooth and nail to keep me. But he won't. Sorry. Bit of a hijack there. Needed to offload.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

RWB said:


> Serial Cheaters have the extreme capability to "compartmentalize".
> 
> For example, my wife showed no conflict with being a spirtual leader of a Sunday School class for middle age women, all the while serial cheating on me for years.


Yikes, my serial cheating wife consider herself to be very "spiritual" etc, as well.
When you hear someone describing themself as "spiritual" or some other new agish crap, hold onto your wallet etc. These folks can convince themselves that whatever atrocity they are committing is in the pursuit of becoming more spiritually evolved.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

RWB said:


> Arnold... "Just think about the selfishness and the comfort and aplomb they have with lying, long-term. They can sleep and function normally while doing this.'
> 
> This has always been a sticky point for me. My grown daughter confronted my wife when the years of deceit were exposed. My wife pleaded that "the years of cheating and lying were making her crazy." My daughter countered... "You didn't seem to be a wreck until you got caught. You seemed to function just fine."


You have a smart kid.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

RWB, that is great.
My 11 year old daughter is the one among my three girls(she is the middle one) who calls her mom out.

When my XW tried to introduce the guy as her new, legit boyfriend, my daughter would have none of it.
When the guy started sleeping over(She was 7 at the time), her mom tried telling her he was staying on the living room couch.
So, she insisted that video cameras should be set up in her mom's room to make sure nothing was going on.
This kid, unlike her sisters, will not let her mom slide on any of this stuff.


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## Onedery (Sep 22, 2011)

If there is such a thing as a serial cheater, my ex was and, I suppose, still is the queen.
In twenty years "together" she had two children with two different guys, (one of which she isn't even sure who the father was) and managed to pass them off to the idiot who was providing for them as his kids.
Have no idea how many there was, but I do know she's having a hard time attracting another dimwit to keep a roof over her head.


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## Darth Vader (Jan 2, 2011)

Onedery said:


> If there is such a thing as a serial cheater, my ex was and, I suppose, still is the queen.
> In twenty years "together" she had two children with two different guys, (one of which she isn't even sure who the father was) and managed to pass them off to the idiot who was providing for them as his kids.
> Have no idea how many there was, but I do know she's having a hard time attracting another dimwit to keep a roof over her head.


So why did she tell you? ( i got that from another thread)


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## The_Swan (Nov 20, 2011)

To those of you who were in a relationship with a serial cheater:
What finally made you say "This is enough. No more." If you don't mind answering, that is.

I have known someone who was in a manipulative relationship and her life crumbled around her. She walked in on him and another woman. She knew that he paid for another woman's abortion. All of that and it took him giving her Herpes to finally divorce him.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Swan, I have no idea.
It was FEb. '09, football season was over and my Lazyboy was worn out and I just looked around and said to my self "were's my wife".
Granted I have never ever said this before. I really didn't care, but for some reason I asked the question.

Come to find out if I didn't ask that question when I did....she would have been gone. So IDK I just started to care. It seems she was putting her self in some very dangorus places.

See she knew I didn't give a damb and as the years went by her behavior spiraled into a unhealthy behavior of biblical proportion.

So to this day I have no good reason why I confronted her! I just did and she took the steps to make the healthy changes for her self and it all got passed down to me and the kids....and that is a good thing!

Good question though, wish I had a better answer.


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## The_Swan (Nov 20, 2011)

the guy said:


> Swan, I have no idea.
> It was FEb. '09, football season was over and my Lazyboy was worn out and I just looked around and said to my self "were's my wife".
> Granted I have never ever said this before. I really didn't care, but for some reason I asked the question.
> 
> ...


Thanks for answering. I'm glad you are no longer in that mess. 
Everyone has a limit. Have you and your wife reconciled?


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## Onedery (Sep 22, 2011)

Darth Vader said:


> So why did she tell you? ( i got that from another thread)


She was handing me the divorce papers while she was doing it. 
Why? I think she thought the loser she was seeing at the time had a "future" and she could bleed him more once she got everything I had. It took them only two years to lose the home I had provided "them" and now she thinks that since I was stupid enough to not know what she was doing, I'd fall for her, again.:lol:


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

The_Swan said:


> To those of you who were in a relationship with a serial cheater:
> What finally made you say "This is enough. No more." If you don't mind answering, that is.
> 
> I have known someone who was in a manipulative relationship and her life crumbled around her. She walked in on him and another woman. She knew that he paid for another woman's abortion. All of that and it took him giving her Herpes to finally divorce him.


The people here opened my eyes, I realized that no matter how hard I tried he would never change. So it was either stay and accept my fate, or change it myself. I chose to set a better example for my children and show them I am worthy of love and respect, as are we all.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

RWB said:


> Arnold,
> 
> You are so right about my daughter. I have told her face to face that she is my personal Hero. She saved me.
> 
> ...


see that new Clooney movie ,"Descendants". he daughter is a hero, too.


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## gemjo (Aug 24, 2012)

I'm struggling with this one.

I want to know if i should consider my H a serial cheater.

He cheated on me 3 times, 3 ONS. (3 fumbled sexual encounters that were not completed)

The point where I become confused is, he had these ONS but didn't get caught and so never had any consequences to face. Until this last year.........

This past year, it has all come out after me becoming suspicious. So he has seen the devastation he has caused, he has seen how close he is to losing me and his family......he has finally seen the pain he has caused by his cheating.

So, is he a serial cheater? or was he a serial cheater?

I guess i'm trying to work out if i'm being manipulated or has he learned his lesson, and has he changed.

He seems to have changed so much, he is doing everything he can, no trips away from home, nights out, passwords, mobile phone, email access, face book, transparency.........and yet I have this little 1% niggle that he's working me.


What do TAM think? can they change once they see what they have done to us?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Yes he is a serial cheater. He knew each time what he was choosing, and each time he chose to betray you without regard or worry.


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