# How do I treat stbxw?



## lostdad (Apr 2, 2011)

So i've been trying to ignore my soon to be ex-wife. But last night she' tells me she wants us to be able to talk and she misses being my best friend. At which point I told her she shouldn't have pissed all over our friendship by cheating on me/breaking my heart/destroying my family etc. AT the same time she's telling me she had "settled" for me and she was unhappy and fat for years. And her new man is so much better then me.
Is this all just affair fog talk still? 

Bottom line how do you react to someone who has completely destroyed your life and put you through an immense amount of pain but still wants to be your friend? I mean seriously how do you deal with that? Doesn't she realize how much she hurt me? How could she not? How could she think I want anything to do with her?


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

I found that my H never said anything I wanted to hear after the separation, so I didn't talk to him. I would never have hear that mean shyt she said to you, because I would not have been talking to her. People really in their hearts don't know what to say, and then they have to protect themselves and the shytty decisions they have made, so they generally say something you don't want to hear and is not what is really the truth. Don't talk to her. If she thinks she settled with you, give her a chance to see what she is going to.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

lostdad said:


> So i've been trying to ignore my soon to be ex-wife. But last night she' tells me she wants us to be able to talk and she misses being my best friend. At which point I told her she shouldn't have pissed all over our friendship by cheating on me/breaking my heart/destroying my family etc. AT the same time she's telling me she had "settled" for me and she was unhappy and fat for years. And her new man is so much better then me.
> Is this all just affair fog talk still?
> 
> Bottom line how do you react to someone who has completely destroyed your life and put you through an immense amount of pain but still wants to be your friend? I mean seriously how do you deal with that? Doesn't she realize how much she hurt me? How could she not? How could she think I want anything to do with her?


With a friend like her, you dont need an enemy.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It helps her sleep at night thinking you all can be friends. In a small way she wants to "cake eat", have you as a friend and OM for love.

Again if she thinks you have come to term with her behavior she can sleep better at night.

She has yet to see the reality of all this that she has created.

IMHO, her friendship will be an emotional rollercoaster ride for you, and slowing down your moving on process


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## gearhead65 (Aug 25, 2011)

I'm stuck in the exact same place, but mine is saying slightly different things. I recommend that you don't talk to her and don't be friends with her. It is still the fog talking and no amount of you being there for her is going to change that. Let her go. She is wanting to "cake eat" and she is "gas lighting". 

What I have done to distance myself is much of what is in the 180. Don't be in the same room alone with them. If you have kids only discuss issues related to them and nothing else. Be completely disinterested in communication with them. I've taken down the family photos, taken off the ring, blocked her on facebook. Everything I can to distance myself from her and remove reminders. The harder part is the internal stuff, stopping thinking and caring about them.

Be mindful of the other Fog talk like, "I know this isn't the end of our story..." ARRRRRGG! Pay no attention to it. BSC = Bat Chit Crazy


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

gearhead65 said:


> I'm stuck in the exact same place, but mine is saying slightly different things. I recommend that you don't talk to her and don't be friends with her. It is still the fog talking and no amount of you being there for her is going to change that. Let her go. She is wanting to "cake eat" and she is "gas lighting".
> 
> What I have done to distance myself is much of what is in the 180. Don't be in the same room alone with them. If you have kids only discuss issues related to them and nothing else. Be completely disinterested in communication with them. I've taken down the family photos, taken off the ring, blocked her on facebook. Everything I can to distance myself from her and remove reminders. The harder part is the internal stuff, stopping thinking and caring about them.
> 
> ...


Very True. One thing about the internal stuff is we dont have to let them know what were thinking


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## forever learning (Sep 28, 2010)

aug said:


> With a friend like her, you dont need an enemy.


:iagree:


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## willowtree (Sep 4, 2011)

Totally agree, how in the world can she expect to still be friends with you after what she has done? My husband asked me the same thing when he moved out and I told him no way. Way, way to painful. We are sort of doing "ok" right now, but if that changes and we end up splitting for good, there is simply no way I can be his friend. "Maybe" years down the road when the pain has diminished, but I kind of doubt it. He is my best friend and my love, but I cannot be "just his friend"....


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## Mike188 (Dec 29, 2009)

My wants to continue to be friends too. I told her I can't do that because I am completely committed to a relationship (maybe too much) or it is completely over and I sever all ties. She said that is really sad for me to think that way and WE WILL have a relationship whether I like it or not and it's up to me if it's going to be pleasant or ugly. I told her she can't force me to have a relationship with her. She said we will have to be together at birthday parties and stuff like that. I told her will just have to have one party at her house and then I will throw a party at my house. She asked about graduations, school plays and stuff like that. I said what about it? We both will know the time and place, we don't have sit together. She still thinks we will be doing couple things together. I don't understand her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bowhunter (Sep 5, 2011)

I don't get any of this stuff, my wife said maybe we can become friends through the kids( she said she never felt like I was a friend to her). But how are we supposed to be friends when she is such a witch when we are together and she is the one that wanted the divorce. I'm the one that should be angry. they say divorce is like a death in the family, but I say it is worse because you still have to interact with them regularly for the kids and it just brings back the pain of the loss you never wanted.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

The leaver throws that "lets be friends" out there to make them feel better. They still want the comfort and support but have the freedom to do what they want. Its also if they see you with someone else it makes it less guilt ridden on them for destroying their family. Its a selfish offer and only designed to make them feel better, not YOU


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Sod said:


> The leaver throws that "lets be friends" out there to make them feel better. They still want the comfort and support but have the freedom to do what they want. Its also if they see you with someone else it makes it less guilt ridden on them for destroying their family. Its a selfish offer and only designed to make them feel better, not YOU


TOTALLY agree... whatever makes THEM happy. Its not about the kids, or you its about lessening their guilt because THEY decided to destroy their own family.

Self centered, selfish A-holes...


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## gearhead65 (Aug 25, 2011)

:iagree: Totally true, I feel bad for the spouses who fall for this crap because they still love their Ex. I know several people who have done that and I can't imagine that it makes them feel better.


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## bowhunter (Sep 5, 2011)

brokenbythis said:


> TOTALLY agree... whatever makes THEM happy. Its not about the kids, or you its about lessening their guilt because THEY decided to destroy their own family.
> 
> Self centered, selfish A-holes...


Boy I have wanted to say that so many times to my stbxw but I haven't. I'm trying to be the nice guy in all this. The funny thing is she wanted the divorce, she wants to break up the family and see her kids half the time, but yet it is all my fault, and she says I'm selfish.


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

bowhunter said:


> Boy I have wanted to say that so many times to my stbxw but I haven't. I'm trying to be the nice guy in all this. The funny thing is she wanted the divorce, she wants to break up the family and see her kids half the time, but yet it is all my fault, and she says I'm selfish.


You know what? Just say NO. I am not your friend, I am/was your spouse and you destroyed that with your choices. Friends don't do to each other with what you have done to me. You are done taking advantage, goodbye!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Exactly SOD thats what you need to do bowhunter dont put up with her mess and be a door mat. Divorce is war sry but it is and she declared it. Just like in my case not what I wanted but hey if thats what you want thats what you get, and HELL no we cant be friends because as SOD said friends dont put other friends through a mess like this.


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## lostdad (Apr 2, 2011)

Thank you for the responses, seems the consensus is overwhelming. I love how this forum can see right through all the BS these cheaters throw at us. Seriously thank you.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

lostdad said:


> And her new man is so much better then me.


That's all you need to remember on how you treat her.


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

I will just pipe in with the consensus and a little simplification of the situation

She had a husband with a boyfriend on the side

and now wants

A boyfriend with a husband on the side

Same situation, different main co-star as player.


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## gearhead65 (Aug 25, 2011)

chattycathy said:


> I will just pipe in with the consensus and a little simplification of the situation
> 
> She had a husband with a boyfriend on the side
> 
> ...


I thought the exact same thing today. It really gets under your skin.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

I totally agree with the consensus. However, when kids are involved, you will always have a relationship with the ex-spouse. I am struggling with the fact that I need to be cordial to her, especially around the kids. It only hurts them further when you continue to fight, etc. My kids are part her and part me. They internalize anything negative you say about your ex-spouse since the kids are essentially made up of half you and half of your ex. 

I can't say I want to be friends or even to ever see her again at this point in time. But I know that isn't healthy for my kids to continue with that attitude. It's like there is a fine line you need to walk, but I still haven't found where that fine line is.


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