# What is wrong??



## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

WTF is wrong with this whole sexless marriage BS lately???

I used to be in one and suffered enough, why do so many allow themselves to keep suffering and only come here to bleet that they don't get any?

Anyone fancy compiling a list of must do's for the sexless to get sexed up?

My first is to communicate that you want sex.

Then talk about why you're not having sex.

Reach a compromise where you are "BOTH" happy to fulfil your end of the bargain.

If none of that works then "put out or get out".

Anyone else seeing my point?


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

If you use the ultimatum be prepared to follow through, threats are not enough without actions


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

So your how old now and just getting to the point where you realize that not everyone thinks the same way or values the same things as you do?


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

What is wrong? 

I guess some men actually love their wife for other reasons besides sex and often have kids to consider and so the issue is not so cut and dry as it is for you.

I guess I have to agree though, if everyone just had the 'it's all about me' attitude it would certainly make their life more simple.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

wranglerman said:


> WTF is wrong with this whole sexless marriage BS lately???
> 
> I used to be in one and suffered enough, why do so many allow themselves to keep suffering and only come here to bleet that they don't get any?
> 
> ...



Um yea right


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Leaving a marriage is difficult. You've built a life together, maybe you have children. My marriage is sexless but my wife is my best friend and my family life is good. Life isn't always greener on the other side. While I am sexually deprived and I love sex, there is more to a quality life than sex. I know people who leave sexless marriages only to remain relatively sexless for years. On the other hand you may leave marriage, have plenty of sex but never find all those other things that come along with family that make life great. You forever change the lives of those in your family. I've only recently come to peace with the decision that leaving is a risk worth taking but it is not a decision for everyone. If you can't come to a compromise but decide to keep the family together, it doesn't make remaining celibate any easier. Some people come here with a need to vent and some come here looking for answers on how to change their circumstances without destroying their family.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Kids.

I was raised by a single mom who also happened to be an immigrant. Let me tell you, they never tell prospect new north americans that their degree from post secondary institutions is worthless here. So we struggled. We always had what we needed...but barely.

I'm not putting my girls in that position. The least I can do is suffer through this charade until they are old enough to fend for themselves. I realize I am selling myself, my desires and my vital years but I must do this for them.

My wife says her libido will eventually "come back". I know otherwise.

So I ***** about it here because I feel better afterwards even if its only temporary.


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

Cletus said:


> So your how old now and just getting to the point where you realize that not everyone thinks the same way or values the same things as you do?


I'm 35, had a rather busy life and after going through the wringer ten years ago I now ultimately fail to see why people put up with being neglected in their relationships for so long.

I am not self centered at all, I am very kind and considerate but that door swings both ways.

If I want to have sex then she has a choice, if it is unreasonable and has been 5 or 6 days in a row then yeah I understand but I would not understand one bit if I wanted a quick fumble and after 2 weeks without any she blew me out.

There has to be a balance, I see a lot of guys here bleeting they are not getting any and doing the household chores is not helping, well what do they expect?

I will for sure be seen as being self centered and no doubt be flamed a little (or a lot ) but I care not, I am a partner in my marriage and we work on this together, if we have an issue we need to sort it out.

If you want to desparately use kids being an acceptable excuse then idiots you are, busy, tired, stressed? WTF? What harm can a 15minute fvck do? (unless it's not your wife of course ) If you feel your marriage is out of control and neither of you are making concessions to each other then it is over.

Love is about being selfless and giving, give a little and it might just pay off, keep your legs shut and it might just backfire when he gets pizzed off and starts with porn, hookers and a PA that goes on to a whole new relationship and you can enjoy your hurt and pain on your own, and all for not putting out.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Marriage is a lot more complicated the longer you are into it. 

Ultimately it is not just "how much sex" but what is the cost of the alternatives.

Think of marriage as a backgammon game. Every possible move has a certain "value" in itself and in how it affects the rest of the game (equity for those of you in the business), 

I suspect we are dealing with a far more significant issue than getting or not getting sex. What we may be seeing here is the result of decades of conservative "values" teaching young women that virtue is great blah blah abstinence blah blah meanwhile expecting them to marry and do it like bunnies afterwards - as if marriage is this free for all between the couple. We expect men to be "manly" and alpha and women to not be. Duh Sherlock...

We teach or infer that it's ok to withhold sex at the slightest sign of a problem but is not ok to seek sex elsewhere. 

Add the "individualism brigades" there that teach all of us that we are special and thus can ignore anything that does not fit our ideology and who cares about the consequences.

Lots of conflicting signals and the results are not quite what we would like... It seems sexlessness is a much bigger problem than one may think.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

First let me get something out of my system …

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: 

If only relationships were *that *simple!



wranglerman said:


> Anyone fancy compiling a list of must do's for the sexless to get sexed up?
> 
> *Go ahead and make a list; I’ll compare it to all the things I have tried over the years. BTW, make sure you put “random BJ’s” and “naked woman straddles your lap” on your list … no wait, that didn’t work for me either. :scratchhead:*
> 
> ...


As for “bleating about it” … try being in my shoes (a woman), you "bleat" on a forum and the first thing that comes back at you (disguised as “help”) is “are you fat?” (Nope, 5’9”, 150lb, all muscle athlete here), did you “let yourself go?” (don’t think so, word from my DD is that her friends are always saying how “hot” her mom is), etcetera, etcetera. And no I don't have warts, a hunch-back or other icky-ness and, I shower twice a day and brush my teeth.

And before you go there … his T-levels have been check and re-checked and are fine and, I _know _he masturbates weekly. So you say he must be gay? Fine, _you _tell him that. MC … been there, done that … he told the therapist “she’s exaggerating, we have sex all the time”, i.e. more denial. In what universe is sex once every 2-3 months (at best) equivalent to “all the time"?

The best speculation I ever received here was from MEM … he opined that my H must be angry at me for some reason. That is a possibility because sex in my marriage dropped off suddenly at 3 years in, but who stays mad for 24 years and doesn’t say something? My husband, apparently.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> I thought you had a PA?


Nope, never ... you must have me confused with someone else.


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## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

OP - I think you were on here "bleeting" at one point. Glad you got out but it's not always so simple and we are all at different phases in the "get out" calculus.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

wranglerman said:


> WTF is wrong with this whole sexless marriage BS lately???
> 
> I used to be in one and suffered enough, why do so many allow themselves to keep suffering and only come here to bleet that they don't get any?
> 
> ...


I think a lot more people would see your point if it were phrased this way:

My first is to communicate that you want a fulfilling, intimate sexual relationship.

Then talk about why you're not having a fulfilling, intimate sexual relationship, including why YOU feel it is necessary in your marriage (monogamy, closeness, etc...).

Reach a compromise where you are "BOTH" happy to fulfill your end of the bargain. (Agree)

If none of that works then then explain that unless your needs are met, it is unlikely that you will be willing/able to meet hers. When that happens, the marriage breaks down and will likely result in a divorce.


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## P51Geo1980 (Sep 25, 2013)

wranglerman said:


> WTF is wrong with this whole sexless marriage BS lately???
> 
> I used to be in one and suffered enough, why do so many allow themselves to keep suffering and only come here to bleet that they don't get any?
> 
> ...


I agree with you completely. For me sex is one of the top three most important things in a marriage. Without sex you're just two really good friends that live together. I can get intellectual intimacy fulfililled by friends. But I cannot get emotional or physical intimacy from them. People who don't fully give themselves to their spouse are selfish. If you can live with that, more power to you. I'm with OP on this, if you're spouse isn't going to fulfill your needs, get out. Whining and talking don't do much good. As soon as nursing school is done and I have a job, I'm out. I've already moved out of the bedroom and I now spend a lot less time with her. I gave her 7 of the best years I had and got nothing but emotional abuse and neglect. Some people can handle it, others can't. I don't see myself in a sexless/loveless marriage for the rest of my life - all this because of her selfishness.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Niceguynomore (Feb 3, 2014)

I keep it simple. It is easy said than done.


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## Mainstays (Jul 29, 2013)

When the sex is good and plentiful it's 10% of the marriage successes. When it's bad and or non-existent it's 90% of the marriage problems. (Baring all other things equal) 
I believe that making love is one of the most sensual and close things you can do with another person. It shares your gift and you’re able to truly experience your wife/husband. I don’t think I could ever forsake sex for a happy family. It’s just too important, plus I’m a guy I’m wired that way. I believe that pleasuring your spouse emotionally and physical is very important. And if the physical isn’t there, the equation isn’t in balance. Other things may be used to show equality, but they are all placebos. My relationship right now, the sex is nil. Although, I haven’t tried your resourceful tactics OP, I am leaving for other reasons. But let the almighty strike me down now if I get into another relationship with someone who doesn’t allow me to share the incredible experience of sex with her. I’m not asking for every day but I would like my sex life to last longer and be more frequent than the lifespan of your typical horsefly.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Many of us in sexless and emotionless marriages know what we SHOULD do. However we all have different circs.

For example...we are expats living in a third world country. My wife and I are from different European countries. If I leave she will take the children back to 'her' country and I might see them once/twice a year. 
As 'Mr's Doubtfire said; "I need my children, they are my life".

That is precisely why so many of us stay. 

Venting on TAM, or as you so quaintly put it 'Bleating' is very often the only 'vent' we have....and the responses show us that we are not alone.

To those of you is happy and fulfilling marriages...I, nay; WE envy you.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

I of course can only speak for myself, but sometimes sexless marriages are more complicated than just not having sex. I wish that was my marriage's only issue, because I surely would be willing to f*** for the sake of saving it! haha. Our marriage is in a wreck because of his negative personality change and my inability to put up with it. No sex became a natural consequence of this. I mean, he definitely doesn't even try to pursue sex with me... so theres no denying needed on my part. Can't say that I wouldn't oblige him though if he had ever tried. The lack of intimacy in our conversations is a direct cause of the no sex, not the other way around. I would imagine that this is true for at least some of the other sexless situations. Our sex life was great before this.


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

Adeline said:


> I of course can only speak for myself, but sometimes sexless marriages are more complicated than just not having sex. I wish that was my marriage's only issue, because I surely would be willing to f*** for the sake of saving it! haha. Our marriage is in a wreck because of his negative personality change and my inability to put up with it. No sex became a natural consequence of this. I mean, he definitely doesn't even try to pursue sex with me... so theres no denying needed on my part. Can't say that I wouldn't oblige him though if he had ever tried. The lack of intimacy in our conversations is a direct cause of the no sex, not the other way around. I would imagine that this is true for at least some of the other sexless situations. Our sex life was great before this.


So what are you actually doing to save the marriage and move forward of this point now?

I ask as I can see no examples of you innitiating sex with him? Have you tried to wake him from his slumber with oral or flirted outrageously with him? You do not have to get worked up in the hope that it will get him going but as long as you have some toys to play with if he does decline then all good, use them in front of him, arouse him nd make him want you, or you can arouse and be happy and sexually "satisfied" with a vibrating dildo and a butt plug, explore yourself and don't wait for him, he can catch up and get the message or sit down stairs listening to the buzz and your moaning as you orgasm again and again, this will have a very pleasing affect, you get to orgasm, he gets to think about what he is missing out on and he either gets the idea or realizes where it is going wrong, don't be ashamed of using toys to get off, there appears to be a lot of wa***rs on this forum but not out of choice


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

I do believe that a lack of sex in a marriage, does have a big impact on the relationship, but saying that all depends on what people class as not a lot of sex.

I mean to me and my husband we would say we have a great sex life, but we can go a week or just over without it, and think nothing of it. Its important however i do agree, and i personally think it would be hard to live without it, but my opinion on it is that if you are in a sexless marriage then you must have big problems.

Without no sex at all, I believe it would be, and must be very lonely not having that closeness, and all the feelings that go with it.

I do think that the relationship does go downhill when the affected partner is denied sex, I have never denied my husband and sex, and i do not think i ever would ( excluding health reasons of course).

I do think it is the way you have worded your post tho OP.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

disagree mainstay. Frequent sex increases bonding, no sex kills bonding. I don't know how people who don't do it have marriages that last a year, let alone many.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

In a lot of cases the lack of sex is a symptom, even if it feels like it is the main problem.

Dealing with the actual problem may be incredibly difficult, and that assumes it has been found.

I was in a sexless marriage for years. Yes, I wanted sex, but there were other resentments and problems and I certainly didn't want sex with HIM. It wasn't just a question of agreeing that we were going to have some action once a week come hell or high water.

And then you have the problem of people who want to have sex but would rather have no sex than have duty sex. A man can't make his wife desire him even if she's prepared to open her legs and vice versa.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

wranglerman said:


> So what are you actually doing to save the marriage and move forward of this point now?
> 
> I ask as I can see no examples of you innitiating sex with him? Have you tried to wake him from his slumber with oral or flirted outrageously with him? You do not have to get worked up in the hope that it will get him going but as long as you have some toys to play with if he does decline then all good, use them in front of him, arouse him nd make him want you, or you can arouse and be happy and sexually "satisfied" with a vibrating dildo and a butt plug, explore yourself and don't wait for him, he can catch up and get the message or sit down stairs listening to the buzz and your moaning as you orgasm again and again, this will have a very pleasing affect, you get to orgasm, he gets to think about what he is missing out on and he either gets the idea or realizes where it is going wrong, don't be ashamed of using toys to get off, there appears to be a lot of wa***rs on this forum but not out of choice


my current plan of action to save the marriage and move forward is marriage counseling right now. I don't initiate sex with him because he is emotionally abusive and I don't feel drawn to sleep with someone who treats me poorly. Before this pattern of emotional abuse I initiated sex about 80% of the time, but he never rejected me, so it was great. We had sex weekly on average, sometimes more. I know that my sex drive is still there regardless, and I'm sure his is as well... meaning we both frequently engage in "self love" haha. Sometimes even with all that's going on I still ponder about seducing him and ignoring reality. But then a secondary reason would be there is no way I would risk getting pregnant by this man at this point in our marriage either. Maybe sex is on the horizon for us after some counseling we shall see.


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

I see, but why not use condoms and spermicidal lubricants? No pregnancies? OK no garantee but better than a hand job in the tub 

You say it was good before? What changed?


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

I was on birth control pills the entirety of our marriage and took it consistently up until a little less than a year ago. My prescription ran out after things had been rocky with us for a few months and the sex more sparse and I just ended up never renewing it. There was a point after like 3 months of no sex (and things being rocky even longer) that things were going well for about a week, and I in fact went and purposely purchased a box of condoms for the first time in years fully intending to use them with my husband because it seemed we were getting along and I was no longer on the pill. Well... those condoms are still sitting in my nightstand drawer unopened. So depressing. It's like just when we are working towards things and sex seems possible he "ruins" it by becoming a jerk... I literally would almost want to scream at him "don't you realize I was about to have sex with you?!" So, I am prepared. 

I don't really know what caused the change, but my husband was not emotionally abusive for the first several years of our marriage. Still trying to figure that out. Something changed a little over a year ago. Fights got frequent and turned to silent treatments and him belittling me. Just started marriage counseling and it is literally our last hope. Believe me, I would love to be pregnant... but not by him, at least not right now. And I do miss sex! A lot. I'm sure he does too.


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

Red Sonja said:


> The best speculation I ever received here was from MEM … he opined that my H must be angry at me for some reason. That is a possibility because sex in my marriage dropped off suddenly at 3 years in, but who stays mad for 24 years and doesn’t say something? My husband, apparently.


This resonated with me. If I am angry with someone, my sex drive completely disappears.

If I'm happy with them, it's available on tap.

I don't know why he would have stuck around for that long though, if it is anger.


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## lfortender (Sep 18, 2012)

wranglerman said:


> WTF is wrong with this whole sexless marriage BS lately???
> 
> I used to be in one and suffered enough, why do so many allow themselves to keep suffering and only come here to bleet that they don't get any?
> 
> ...


So you have a sexless marriage? I think you're right, its important to comunicate but the choice is yours. Like my wife, she doesnt want blow me and anal sex. Ok, i tried but she's just not into it. What can i do? I fantasize about having sex with some prostitute that can provide me that!


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

I am amazed by some of the responses, you seem so bitter at allowing your marriage to become sexless and you red sonja, LOL, I admire you for sticking around for your kids but what about you? 

That may seem a selfish way to think, but you have only got one life, live it, if there is no compromise then maybe it is time to expand the lens a little if you are not willing to leave, will he consent in a written contract to your allowance to seek c0ck outside the marriage to satisfy your desires?

One thing I read from your post is that, you are not willing to leave, he knows this, he also knows he can be the dominant in your relationship by witholding sex from you, he knows you are weak enough to remain in your sexless marriage while he controls it, whacking one out when he needs.

I actually think you are a mug for staying, you have lived 24yrs of a life not experiencing awesome sex and only getting off with power tools and self satisfaction to the point where you have convinced yourself this is what you want, you now get to look back on a marriage with a great deal of investment in terms of time but nothing in return, a bit of an empty basket really?


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

wranglerman said:


> I am amazed by some of the responses, you seem so bitter at allowing your marriage to become sexless and you red sonja, LOL, I admire you for sticking around for your kids but what about you?
> 
> ...
> 
> I actually think you are a mug for staying, you have lived 24yrs of a life not experiencing awesome sex and only getting off with power tools and self satisfaction to the point where you have convinced yourself this is what you want, you now get to look back on a marriage with a great deal of investment in terms of time but nothing in return, a bit of an empty basket really?


I know I “allowed the sexless-ness” in that I kept trying to recover our sex life and did not issue an ultimatum during the early years. Call me young and stupid. However, ten years into it DD landed on our doorstep as an orphan (a relative) that needed a family and had nowhere else to go. Losing your parents can cause tremendous grief and attachment issues at any age, and she had them in spades. I was not going to exacerbate her problems by divorcing her “new daddy”. We were, up to that point, childless by choice. But as it turned out becoming a mother was good thing for me because I was able to be the type of mother that I never had (my mom was severely mentally ill).

What about me? Empty basket? :rofl: I am a proactive type; I voice my needs but I do not sit back expecting others to fill my needs. I (mostly) met my own emotional needs through being a mother, a long career with many accomplishments and financial success, working with teenagers in poor school districts and my work in dog rescue; not to mention friends, social activities and extensive travel. I have had and continue to have a busy and full life. 

I _did _miss the part about having an emotional and physical connection with a life-partner. Is that a source of sadness? Yes, definitely. Am I bitter? No, bitterness comes when you ruminate on your sadness instead of finding alternative paths to finding joy in life.

P.S. H knows I am leaving and does not appear to be too upset about it. But who knows? He doesn't talk much.


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> Don't know for sure if this was for me, Wranglerman.
> 
> Yes, I am bitter, because I do believe, in part, I drove her to do part of what she did to me. I know it was her choice. I know she made the decisions. I also know that if I were in her shoes, I may have made the same decisions. I'd like to think I wouldn't, but if I was a strong person with some faults, I very well might succumb to sex outside the marriage. The difference between her and me is two-fold in that area. My Catholic upbringing and the idea that marriage is sacred. Whether it is or not, I do believe that made a difference. She grew up on a broken home, where her uncle and aunt took her to church while her mother dated and came around for simply, what seems like a place to sleep. She is a proud, strong woman, her mother. I admire her in some ways.
> 
> ...


I got your back brother!

This is part of my point, I see a lot of guys here who have been very shortchanged in the whole investment, they went in with a handshake but no firm contracts, the plans were drawn up by "Her idea of marriage & Co" and she gets to rule the roost by gradually and sneakily breaking you down to a component part of her life that has minor signifigance but you are needed to fulfil your role of door mat.

Same for some women too, I will add, it seems the more you invest the less they invest and they then become takers.

I do agree that there are far too many couples playing chess with their marriages, not taking risks but calculating their moves and dictating the state of play, the only way to remove that power and sense of entitlement is to either get out or stop playing and using the 180 and focussing on your own goals within the marriage they then become insecure as they watch you grow beyond their control.

Sonja, I got your back too sister, I am pleased you didn't go off the deep end with me and took the time to give a measured response.

It is a joy to read about how you managed to satisfy your own needs without looking for an illicit affair with the notion that an AP will bring fulfilment while hubby provides stability.

Good for you both that you have taken the time to be pro-active in finding resolution in your situations.


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