# the evil silent treatment



## KatieKat (Apr 5, 2012)

4 days ago hubby and I got in fight over phone. I was was annoyed he was being short with me. he was annoyed I was calling him when he felt like I knew he was in the middle of a huge job on our car. needless to say I ended up saying I was sick of our marriage and hung up on him. truth is i was angry and in a *itchy mood. so he wont talk to me now. i did give him 2 days to cool off till i tried to apologize but he claims he has nothing to say to me and is sleeping on couch. i told him i would like to resolve this by easter in a civil way and make up if thats what he wants or if he wants to split we can do that civiliy too i just want to resolve it. he said he thinks im playing head games and he just wants left alone.

very frustrating because knowing him the way i do i know he needs to be left alone when hes that mad. we had this problem a year ago because i got pissed and threatened divorce over a small fight. it took 5 days till we made up but this time he is much more angry. he still is wearing his wedding ring and such but i feel like a sitting duck. i dont want to nag him but i do think he is just doing this to punish me for my nasty words. he's ex military so he can probably go on this way for weeks but i know i cant handle that.

i love him to death but i think hes being crazy. he recently changed all his passwords too. i only know this because when he wouldnt talk to me i checked his FB and email to see if he was talking about it to his friends. we both have always had each other passwords to everything and have always been super close and other then a few bumps like last year and this fight the last seven years have been great. We have been best friends for the last 10 years!


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Look, threatening divorce and being sick of the marriage is incredibly toxic! You are destroying your relationship with these childish outbursts. Unless the marriage is truly beyond repair, don't threaten the nuclear option.

Now, he doesn't have to talk to you for you to apologize. So just go up and sincerely apologize. Tell him you're sorry, it was wrong of you and you understand his anger. Also tell him you are here when he is ready to talk and then go about your day. Let him pout if he wants. You just be pleasant and happy and do your own thing. He'll come around when he sees his (also childish) actions are not getting you down.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

People react differently , however if I was threatened once with divorce or similar words I would be making preparations and getting myself ready to move on. I would not want to live with the continual threat over my head.

Your using an extreme option to manipulate your husband and I guess he is now in lock down mode . I doubt if apologising is going to solve anything as he will still consider your threat to be real.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

KanDo said:


> Look, threatening divorce and being sick of the marriage is incredibly toxic! *You are destroying your relationship with these childish outbursts.*


That is so absolutely right. Had I done these things, I would be SO repentant for as long as it took.

The only right time to say "divorce" is when your next action is going to be divorce. It's a really, really bad bluff.

I also agree with the assessment that the husband's actions are childish and... well.. to use the vernacular on these forums... beta. I know a lot of folks see this as a "180" and somehow withholding emotional contact is a good thing. I have that in the "worst idea ever" category not to mention passive-aggressive. 

Although, given the magnitude of her crimes, he might not be withholding emotional contact... he might be truly gone. Although even for me, the divorce card is not an automatic deal breaker -- unless it's happened more than once.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

IMO, you are both in the wrong. If this is how he reacts regardless of what you said, and he shuts down not talking for days, that is a poor way to deal with things. If you have these outbursts and say hurtful things that to is not healthy and a poor way to deal with things. 


I'm not sure if this is how you both normally act when things are not going well or if this was a one time thing, but if its what your marriage has come to, then its probably best to split ways. Unless you are both willing to seek out some MC and you both need to learn some better communication skills. If you really want out, and he is continuing to not talk, then you will need to start the preceedings, I mean going for days without talking, speaks volumes.


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## KatieKat (Apr 5, 2012)

I did apologize very sincerly, I feel like if I keep doing it though its patheic and it and seems to annoy him. I asked him if he wanted to work things out or of he needed out he said do what you want its up to you, your the one who wanted out not me. I find it hard to believe he would sit here miserable night after night and just wait for me to leave him.

it's crazy how your life can change in a blink with one nasty comment..


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

Threatening divorce is very hurtful and foolish if you don't mean it. Two or three times of that and he may just take you up on it. Ever heard the story of the boy who cried wolf? The boy cried wolf one too many times and no one believed him? This may work in the reverse...You may cry divorce one too many times and your husband may very well believe it. I would swallow my pride and apologise to him and make a vow to yourself not to use that word in an argument anymore.


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## KatieKat (Apr 5, 2012)

trey69 said:


> IMO, you are both in the wrong. If this is how he reacts regardless of what you said, and he shuts down not talking for days, that is a poor way to deal with things. If you have these outbursts and say hurtful things that to is not healthy and a poor way to deal with things.
> 
> 
> I'm not sure if this is how you both normally act when things are not going well or if this was a one time thing, but if its what your marriage has come to, then its probably best to split ways. Unless you are both willing to seek out some MC and you both need to learn some better communication skills. If you really want out, and he is continuing to not talk, then you will need to start the preceedings, I mean going for days without talking, speaks volumes.


normally speaking if we have an argument we both speak our piece then maybe get quiet for an hours then we just pick back up and chat then we'll apologize and thats it. we dont usually ever not talk. only one other time in our 7 years did we go w/o talking like this. i will say this though prior to this fight in the last week hes been really stressed at work and its been effecting his moods. little things that he normally wouldnt be mad about were getting on his nerves, like his buddy texting him jokes. every little thing other than me and our daughter was annoying him. so I'm thinking thats a factor too. infact the other one time we didnt talk for a few days was last Feb and it was also bad time at work (ppl getting laid off) for him then and he started getting moody and we fought and i ran my mouth then.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Angry outbursts destroy love for one another.

Period.

Why anyone expects someone else to "understand" that they were "just angry" and didn't mean what they said is beyond me.

Sadly, the result of discussing these things usually degenerates into blameshifting, because "I would never have said x, unless you did x"

That is complete and total crap.

We're all responsible for what comes out of our stupid mouths.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You can't keep threatening divorce and not expect him to be upset. Eventually he is going to believe your words. My ex did that all the time and one day I left. One can only take so much.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

My wife threatened to leave time after time.

Of course, I eventually let her go.

It's a form of abuse.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Conrad, I completely understand and agree. It's emotional abuse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

If you really do want out, then you need to get things started. If not, looks like you both have some damage to repair, in MC ASAP. If your heart simply is no longer in it, then let him go. If you think there might be a tiny glimpse of hope then find a good MC and go from there.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Conrad, I completely understand and agree. It's emotional abuse.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Of course, she blamed me


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

KatieKat said:


> it's crazy how your life can change in a blink with one nasty comment..


believe it


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Conrad said:


> My wife threatened to leave time after time.
> 
> Of course, I eventually let her go.
> 
> It's a form of abuse.


ha, mine too.
it was a constant thing with her.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Of course, she blamed me


Not surprising at all either.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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