# Husband did bad, I need help Pls!



## Dee678 (Nov 14, 2009)

Hi, Everyone, I'm new here and my name is Dee

I am here because I am really, really hurt and I am trying to find some helpful opinions. 

I will try to make this as short as possible, but that will be hard to do.

I have been married to my husband for 10 years. 
He has a best friend from childhood who he had not seen for 4 years. His friend was having marriage problems to the point that his marriage was pretty much over. His friend came to visit with a lot of baggage that my husband and I were unaware of. His marriage was over and he wanted to break up our marriage because he has no one else to be with in this country(they both immigrated here from abroad.) 

My husband and his friend set out to go to have a night out at my husbands work playing poker with the poker club. My husband's friend said that he wanted to go to a nightclub. I heard from others that my husband did not want to go at all, saying that he did not want to go to a night club because he was married, and married people don't do that. Well my husband got the old peer pressure trip " your friend is here, bla, bla. Before this so called friend took my husband out, the freind asked my husband if he had ever cheated on me before!!!! Isn't that strange that on the first day of meeting again he asks my husband that, then takes him out to the most likey place to meet women.

So they went to a nightclub,( reggae nightclub) Husband, friend, husband's boss and husband's bosses friend. My husband had already drank 8 beers and 2 shots before leaving his work. This was a reggae invironment with a lot of dark people. My husband is Black and has not visited his homeland in 10 years, so he said it was great to be with so many black people again. 

My husband's friend met some women and long story short, one of the females asked my husband to dance, but its the BUMP AND GRIND, so I don't call that dancing. So My husband was SMASHED drunk (13 beer and 2 shots) which is totally out of charatcter..... he said he was rambling and tipsy walking.


He Grinded this girl and said he got an erection and kept grinding with her for like 3-4 minutes longer, he says not but I think he may have had a happy ending in his pants!!! He kept changing the story saying he stopped and told her he was married. But later told me that he thought in his mind "what the heck am I doing I'm married." He said he stopped and did not grind with her any longer.

He got home very late. And I just knew from that night on something was wrong as he was acting strange. He basically lied to me for 3.5 months, leading me to believe the worst happened. He said all sorts of things that flipped me out. "Whats done is done" Who cares as long as I did have s** with anyone." I regret the whole night" I have never done anything like this, not even back home." I mean I was going out of my mind. Till this day, I still wonder if they went to a strip club and the friend paid for who knows what (just cause this freind was trying to stir up trouble between us.)

I ended up getting on my hands and knees begging for the truth, and he told me of the Grinding and getting an erection, He shed a few tears, but was mad that I baggered him because was upset at what I would think of him. I asked if he got a happy ending and he said whatever, but denies it. He said lieing to me was killing him. I don't think that he planned to tell me but he told me because I basically baggered him daily for the 3.5 months he lied about it.


So at this point, if my husband could do that I feel like he was chatting her up, not saying that he was married. All the stuff that anyone would think leading up to a dance. (grind) But he says that he barely talked to her, even the idea of him encouraging a woman who finds him attractive kills me.

Anyways, I am feeling so betrayed and hurt. I can't get over the fact that my husband was even probably encouraging this woman. 

I have figured out that he knew it was wrong, but that in the end with out saying it, my husband only believes that sex can be called cheating. He said " Well then there must be two types of cheating then. Unless he is only saying this because he said he would never cheat (have sex with anyone else) He said, "at least I didn't have sex with anyone".....

This has wreaked havok in our marriage. Not to mention I am dieing inside, my husband is really disappointed in himself. When I bring it up, he thinks I'm throwing it in his face. He has said that he has betrayed himself, and he thinks about every minute. He says that he will not drink to get drunk again.

I just don't know what to think, I know that you always know what your doing even if your drunk. He said he would have never done this if he was not drunk. So it really upsets me to think that he "forgot about me" God, does he even respect me?

He says that he will never do it again, and I said What won't you do again and he said " go to a night club, grind somebody or get drunk. I told him that its not the night clubs fault... just It's him and he has to learn self control. He has to be able to tell women that he is married and not intrested. Men have to be able to turn away an aggressive woman.

I am so sorry to ramble, I just have to get it off my chest and its not something that I want to tell people that I know because its embarresing.

What do you all think about a husband grinding a woman until he got hard and kept going for 3-4 minutes longer and a possible happy ending. 

Would you leave your spouse if they did that? How mad, hurt would you be? How would you deal with it? I am totally crushed. And I really need some help on this.

Thank you for all your help. It is So appreciated, it really is.

Dee


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

Hi Dee. I'm a bit of an expert on this topic. Please read through my thread on spouses, clubbing, and "legitimized infidelity" in this section. My wife, and other posters in that thread were drawn to nightclubs for the exact reason your pal took his buddies there: to "cheat" legitimately. It's just dancing, right? No harm no foul. 

However, I and other spouses in my shoes have to deal with the fact that our spouses were drawn to these places to attract, flirt with, dance with, and all-around party with members of the opposite sex until the wee hours of the morning. At all times with the very real possibility that the attraction of the moment would take them further. They went willingly and soley for that reason. Your man was dragged along. He did not run out the door getting horny for other women while telling you he was innocently "going dancing". He got caught up in a moment not of his making. I know it's easy for me to say, but let it go. Tell him you forgive him with a smile and a big wet kiss. He didn't want to do it then and does not want to do it again. Consider yourself lucky. 

And after the smarter people on this forum tell you the real way to deal with this problem, I'd appreciate it if you could shorten this considerably and post it in my thread in a paragraph or two. I intended to start a dialogue on the evils of people in committed relationships going to nightclubs, but ended up being about my problem specifically. I'd like to see other stories there. Yours will be especially good. Some women can actually go to these places just to dance. Any non-gay man that says he is going clubbing is only going for one reason. PERIOD. It's what your husbands pal had in mind.

Good luck, I know what you're going through (x10).


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## Dee678 (Nov 14, 2009)

Hey Cody, its Dee

Thank you for your reply but you minimized my feelings, and I was looking for comfort, not someone disregarding my feelings by telling me his were (10x) worse.

I FEEL HORRIBLE and confused. 

My husband did go there and flirt and grind with a woman utill he had an erection and kept going, probably util climax. That is dry humping someone in lust!!

He stayed out util 4:45 am that morning.

You said your spouse and others went their willingly which is different because that is them drifting away from their marriage and disrecting their marriage for sure! But as I see it my husband did not have to Encourge a single woman and then rub his hard d*** on her, basically leading her to believe that it could have lead further into other behavior. 

When he was faced with the choice to betray and disresect me or not, he choose to do so, so I see that as HUGE in my book.

This woman he grinded also texted him a month later to invite out again( she supposedly got the number from my husbands friend as he is Still in contact with the other girl.) So I'm not sure that is even true, it seems to me that my husband must have been giving off the vibe that he obviously had no respect for his wife and had interest in her. (or just his jerk of a friend)

In any case tho, how do any of us know the truth for sure what ever really happens!! If our spouses are going to put themselves in these postions then obviously it is easy to imagine the worst.

I think that if any married person wants to go out clubbing regulary then there is something wrong, and they are obviously not committed to their marriage! Especially if they know that it really bothers their spouse. I, and we have to remember that there are people out there that will put in 100% to the relationship like we do. Now, I just keep thinking that deep down I know that I am too good of person for him as I would never do anything to jeprodize my marriage. I don't even think about it.

Thanks Cody, Hope your feeling better about the situation and like me gaining more love for yourself, as I know that at least I won't let my self down.

Dee


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## Josh145 (Nov 10, 2009)

I'm sorry you're having to go through this Dee, the good part of your story is that your husband seems bothered by it, and doesn't frequent clubs. So in that respect I'd say you're better off than most.

I wish I was able to help you work through whats happening in your marriage but I'm really just starting the rebuilding process myself.

Please keep us posted on how things are going, we'll help where we can.


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## Dee678 (Nov 14, 2009)

Hi, This is Dee again, 

I think I may be freaking out about the situation because I have had (future incidences??) with my husband that have made me question his loyalty and I think that is why I feel fed up. I would like to post it to see if you feel as I do.

Married for 10 years, about 2-3's into marriage had a bit of a rocky start. Most of this is early in our marriage. My husband came home drunk from the bar and had a woman's email address on a piece of paper in his shoe, and his wedding ring was in his pocket. 

I called this woman and she said he told her that he said he was unmarried, lonely and had no family here. He called her to invite her family to watch him play soccer, then called a second time to say the game was cancelled. Long story short, hers and his story don't jive to a T. She told me that if my husband ever tried to contact her, she would report him to the police!

Later, two people told me that my husband hit on their mom at the supermarket. I never got further details. One day we ran into this woman and she gave my husband a look that could kill. He would not look at her. (suspicious)

Then one of my friends told me that my husband rode his bike by one of her friends and said "Hey Cutie"

At a party, my husb was off on his own talking to a girl, and when we were leaving he said "I'm going to go and say bye to this guy I met, He was taking a while so I went to find him and he was whispering something in this girls ear. 

My husband went out with friend and ended up at a restaurant with a bunch of people, men and women. I went to pick up my husband and the woman sitting beside him glared at me very strongly. We saw her just the other night and my husband says "Lets go stand over there" (away from this woman so she would not see us.)

Then a few years back, a girl at my husband's work ran up to him to hug him and as soon as she saw me she turned around very quickly, it was a very strange situation. It happened so fast. Then she sat down with me, hubby and other workers and said to my husband "BOO, can you pass me a light?" Boo to black people means boyfriend or girlfriend. He ignored her. He said her name in his sleep before ( He should have said (wtf did you say to me, I think) 

Then, recently after YEARS of hearing nothing and him not going out - He goes to the night club(not his choice) and grinds a girl util he is hard and keeps grinding her hard.???

I flipped out about him calling a woman when he is married and we had a fight, but I think I believed him or was in denial. 

These other situations are situations where you hear something or see something that don't feel right but I don't have any thing concrete and I don't want to believe they are the truth.

I now don't know if I know my husband, and there is a totally different side to him (evil, selfish, flirt) that he completely has me fooled. He denies any of it. (other than the grind w/the hard on and calling the woman.) So I wanted to deal with the last situation of the grinding appropiately in hopes that he will learn that his actions have reprocusions. ??? 

In these incidences with other woman the worst seems when he drinks, but some have happened when he is sober to.
He said that he will never drink to get drunk again. (so hopefully he follows through.)

He does come from the caribbean and use to live this type of lifestyle before, drinking, women, that kind of lifestyle. 

I just question if I am being taken as a fool, because I sure feel like a door mat, even though I know that he loves me. I just wonder if he can't resist flirting with woman, and women flirting with him. Will this ever stop?? 

Does he flirt with women,let them flirt w/ him to feel validated?

Can anyone tell me how they feel because its very hard, I don't know if I am a woman that is a push over, like I have reacted wrong to the situations, so he just keeps pushing the envelope. Its not something I go and tell all my friends about because its embarressing, so this is my only hope to ask:


How would you feel if you heard,dealt with these situations?
How would you deal with it?

Please ALL responses will be very appreciated, I don't know what to do. Have I been fooled by my husband for 10 years? I'm not sure I know who he is any longer...

Thanks Dee


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

Hi again Dee. I truly did not want to trivialize your situation. I am leading the bandwagon on how nightclubs can be evil for people in committed relationships. I was trying to make you feel better by saying that one night of pier pressure and alcohol were to blame, and not his desire to be with other women. That one of the dangers of clubs is that even the most innocent can get dragged astray when alcohol and a sexually charged atmosphere are combined. I am so sorry I hurt you further in your time of need. 

It's also why I said I should leave the advice to the smarter people on the forum. You obviously see a pattern here that goes beyond one night of clubbing. I will step out and leave the advice to the people who know better than I.

God luck, 
Cody


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## Dee678 (Nov 14, 2009)

I still feel so betrayed by what my husband did (also because I will probably never know the detailed truth, if more happen or whatnot)

I know its "only" a grind, maybe from a mans point of view, but to me its more...

What I am dealing with now, amongst other thoughts is " Is he a true player at heart and would be if he happend to be tested again, and again, OR can people really make "DRUNK MISTAKES" since he does not get drunk 13+beers and shots???

I just wanted a good husband and an honest marriage. This might eventually break our marriage apart, because I have been betrayed before and I know that I am a better person than that. 

I am struggling with feeling like a doormat????

Betrayal is betrayal. I just can't get the image of my husband, who has always protected me daily, grinding a woman and being arroused by another.... His looser friend came to town and it seems everything feel apart. His friend even spoke bad about me and was trying to break us apart, because his marriage was on the rocks.... What a gem of a Friend....

I wish that I could get my husband to dump his a friend....What would any of you do??? My husband's long lost friend has created HUGE problems in our marriage other than this. My husband said that his friend is a problem for me, but not a problem for him. That makes my husband sound like a selfish ahole don't you think??

Should I ask my husband to give up his friendship with this guy(he does live across the country) but does call and have and he is really low class, bully type person who is aggressive, while my husband is quiet and usually a good man. (The friend was grinding with a girl 80% of night my husband says, and he has a preganant wife back home and a 3 year old daughter!!!! This friend will RUIN my marriage, but I think that my husband is scared to stand up to him, he is the kind of guy that says stuff to my husband like "your pus*ywhipped" He is just low class.

Does anyone have any advise on how I should handle this situation, because as of right now, I am ignoring it because he is not visiting, my husband did tell me he told his freind that He will never go out with him (to clubs) again, and has told me that if he visits he won't go anywhere without me. However, Who needs the influence of classless people, but they were childhood friends so its hard....

Thanks all, and my writing is lazy sorry as it is late.

Dee




Dee


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

Hi again Dee;

I feel badly or you and wish I could help, but you're not getting many bites here. All I can do is offer moral support. It looks like your husbands clubbing days are over. NO EXCEPTIONS. (A topic close to my heart). 

But I don't know what to tell you about forbidding him to hang out with this lowlife. If they weren't life-long friends, it would be easy: "It's either him or me". But he's known this guy a lot longer than he's know you. 

All I can say is that if my wife's childhood friend was a w.h.o.r.i.n.g s.l.u.t, I think I could forbid them to hang out together unless I was there. Sorry, that's the rule.

Let's be honest, though. Your husband has some personality traits that need to be dealt with as well. 

Looks like I may have hurt more than helped again. It's just that I felt badly for you. 

Good luck,
Cody


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

It doesn't matter what he did or almost did or pyscholoically did. What matters is that you are hurt and you don't trust him. There was a person posting here for awhile that is a divore attorney - she's seen a million men in her cases that fit a very similar mold: 
1. born liar
2. lie to protect
3. can't lie
Your H is one of these three too. They all are (Sorry guys.) Her advice? Recognize that he might be a liar. Get him to recognize that in himself. (I actually got my H to admit to this.) And 'keep him out of the cafe.' It seems an immense job - and one only worth pursuing IF your H admits more of the past and asks for your help in moving the two of you together. 
Pretty harsh. I feel your pain. It sucks. Buts its here. Don't harm yourself any longer. Tackle it. You deserve better for yourself. Good luck.


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