# Advice Needed



## Resolver (Mar 14, 2011)

My husband and I have been together for 11 years. We have had an amazing relationship and were best friends. We have a child who is 4.
Last year a girl who had become our friend and had been watching our child just up and disappeared abruptly. She said she was busy with family problems. A few months later she messages me and says her and my husband had an affair. I was crushed and for the first time in my relationship I didn't trust him. He of course claimed nothing happened but that she had thrown herself at him twice (once months before she was in our house every day watching our child) and when he denied her she freaked out and left. He says he didn't tell me because she cried and was scared for what I would do to her. I believe in my heart that he didn't cheat and that she was just jealous trying to split us up.
I don't know what she had to gain from it all, but a year later I'm still not over it. 
I don't really know if he did it or not, but our male friends, her exboyfriend, and my husband all say nothing happened and that she's just crazy.
Ever since we've been fighting like crazy. Then he got these friends who are a couple and he's constantly putting before me and his son. One of them is a female and I've told them both I'm uncomfortable with how "close" they are and they both blow off my feelings like I'm trying to be controlling.
I'm at my wits end, I've been an emotional wreck and just last night caused a "scene" in front of our friends when I found out he had had a key to their house for a while when we were fighting.
I don't know what to do to mend this, he feels like I'm crazy and controlling and I feel like he just doesn't give a crap about me anymore.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

If its serious enough that you would leave him for it, get into MC. My own MC story is in my profile.

These issues aren't that uncommon. It isn't just him. Your mistrust also very much negatively contributes to this. However, you husband does need to realize this is a serious issue and be willing to change his behavior. 

People get stuck because one side feels like they can't do anything right and the other side completely loses trust. Its a crappy dynamic that both parties have to realize and slowly get unstuck from.

Best of luck.


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## Resolver (Mar 14, 2011)

he won't go to counseling. since I posted this things started to get better but a week of normal ends with a huge fight every time.
i really feel he has feelings for his friends girlfriend and it kills me. Last night I agreed to go over to their house for the first time in a month. I watched him stare at her with such affection while she was playing with her hair, and he wouldn't leave until midnight when we both had to work today.
I've tried to talk to him and he swears they are just friends. I don't understand, we've been together for 11 years and he's NEVER acted like this with another girl.
he won't leave. I've told him to leave, I've left for a couple days and he didn't even care. No phone call, nothing.
I really don't know what to do.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I am really sorry you find yourself in this situation.

Have you guys considered marriage counselling?


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## lam4391 (Apr 16, 2011)

I think if you feel uncomfortable he shouldn't be "friendly" friends with this girl.. ask him if its really worth making you feel this way? and IMO if I was you I would definitely do some investigating in the past "affair" that this other girl is claiming she had with your husband. Just my opinion though.


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## meridian.1960 (Apr 22, 2011)

Rhonda already gave you some very sound advice. 

I would add, and it's just my humble opinion here, but the past is often better left in the past. Clearly you have each stated your concerns and feelings on the issue and that is certainly a must.

But once you have done that, it's time to move forward.

Having fights over something that happened in the past will only destroy your present, and future.

I know it's easier said than done, but you need to let it go. I find that when I feel myself getting all emotionally worked up, if I go to a place where it's quiet and dark, I lay down and take deep, slow, long breath's. I can get better control of my emotions.

You might try this while asking yourself what you really achieve by allowing yourself to get so emotionally worked up. 

The answer is usually "nothing good". It's pretty rare that anything be resolved when in a highly emotional state.

Something for you to consider, it really does help me.

Hope it may help you too.

Warmly,

Meridian


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