# i am so bored wth our sex life



## JoleenaL (Dec 13, 2017)

Hello, im newly married and new here, i couldnr figure out how to create my own thread. (me and my husband just had our 1 year anniversary this last weekend) i am so bored wth our sex life. He is an amazing husband but we have our issues. 2 months into our marriage i asked for him to go down on me because its something that i love and it makes me feel accepted and loved. He shut down immediately and said no. He tried for 1 second and them said he wanted to gag and it feels wrong and vaginas are weird and that he needed time. So i dropped it. 8 months later i asked him again and he straight up said no. I started crying and felt super rejected since i go down on him all the time and love to. I explained to him that i feel insecure about myself because of all the comments he makes about my vagina and he wont go down on me or meet my needs sexually. He made up an excuse saying its morally wrong and he doesnt like bjs. Bs. I brought it up 2 weeks later because i knew he was lying. He admitted it and said he is intimidated because he has never done it before and needs to take it slow. Its been 2 months and i had him google it. He still hasnt done it. We always do missionary style. Im bored our of my mind and he sucks at fore play and comes like 2 seconds. I just want to stop having sex with him because im so bored and feel so unloved in this area. I feel like a cum bucket for him. I have acrazy high sex drive but not anymore since im so unhappy with our sex life and he wont meet my needs. Get this, hes a MARRIAGE FAMILY THERAPIST HIMSELF and ive had to teach him So many things.. idk what to do


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## JoleenaL (Dec 13, 2017)

*Re: Talking to your SO about sex*

Ps. Im also super clean down there, i get brazillian waxes. And men in my past always insisted on going down on me because they loved it. Sorry if this is all TMI. I just need advice really bad


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

*Re: Talking to your SO about sex*



inmyprime said:


> But one can't really assume that since real life is outside those assumptions. Also you don't need major problems for this to be true. Minor ones would do the trick. And every marriage has some sorts of problems. Some minor, some more major and they often overlap, intensify or subside.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


No generalization fits all instances, but without generalizations, it's not possible to think about a topic.

This was in response to a situation questioning why a SO who claims to love you doesn't do something that would please you.

I'll stand by these three major explanations: They don't know how much it means to you, they don't care that much about your happiness or you're asking for something that costs them too much to give (in which case, they should say as much).


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

*Re: Talking to your SO about sex*



JoleenaL said:


> Hello, im newly married and new here, i couldnr figure out how to create my own thread.


 @EleGirl, @MEM2020 ?


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

*Re: Talking to your SO about sex*



JoleenaL said:


> Ps. Im also super clean down there, i get brazillian waxes. And men in my past always insisted on going down on me because they loved it. Sorry if this is all TMI. I just need advice really bad


My advice, no surprise, is that he doesn't care enough about your happiness to deal with his issues about this.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

*Re: Talking to your SO about sex*



Buddy400 said:


> No generalization fits all instances, but without generalizations, it's not possible to think about a topic.
> 
> This was in response to a situation questioning why a SO who claims to love you doesn't do something that would please you.
> 
> I'll stand by these three major explanations: They don't know how much it means to you, they don't care that much about your happiness or you're asking for something that costs them too much to give (in which case, they should say as much).


Fair enough :smile2: but even if it were only about those three major explanations, how can you know for sure which of three it really is?? 
In which case they are just plausible explanations and are absolutely of no help figuring out the solution!


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## JoleenaL (Dec 13, 2017)

*Re: Talking to your SO about sex*



Buddy400 said:


> My advice, no surprise, is that he doesn't care enough about your happiness to deal with his issues about this.


Uhgg... thats what it seems like.. is there anything you can suggest that i do to encourage him trying without straight up refusing sex?:frown2:


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

*Re: Talking to your SO about sex*



Buddy400 said:


> My advice, no surprise, is that he doesn't care enough about your happiness to deal with his issues about this.


Or....>

Is it sexist or politically incorrect to suggest to download this gay testing app to check for gayness? :nerd: I am not suggesting it yet, just asking...
Sorry. Couldn't help it. So strange to read about it.

Maybe he really doesn't know how to do it and is overwhelmed by it all? Lets face it, we guys have absolutely no idea what the hell is down there and how it works or feels...We try our best (yeah...) but most of us think we are great at it but come on, lets be realistic here...it's like poking in the dark, trying to assemble a boeing 747 with just your tongue.


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## JoleenaL (Dec 13, 2017)

*Re: Talking to your SO about sex*



inmyprime said:


> Or....>
> 
> Is it sexist or politically incorrect to suggest to download this gay testing app to check for gayness? :nerd: I am not suggesting it yet, just asking...
> Sorry. Couldn't help it. So strange to read about it.
> ...


Lol!! Im positive hes not gay. He is just kind of selfish. All of his past dating relationships were with pathetic co dependant chicks that never challenged anything he said. Hes not used to being asked for things or told hes not measuring up. He never had to worry about someone elses pleasure before because the only cared about pleasing him. Even his mom gives him whatever he wants. Hes 27 and im 21.. he is probably just set in his ways in this area. But i just cant believe he is okay with the boringest sex life on the planet... it doesnt make sense to me. He thinks our sex life is amazing just because he gets to cum everytime.we hae sex like 4 times a week. I think im going to start lettng him know that i am not in the mood unless he goes down on me. No one learns unless they have to go through pain.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

*Re: Talking to your SO about sex*



JoleenaL said:


> Lol!! Im positive hes not gay. He is just kind of selfish. All of his past dating relationships were with pathetic co dependant chicks that never challenged anything he said. Hes not used to being asked for things or told hes not measuring up. He never had to worry about someone elses pleasure before because the only cared about pleasing him. Even his mom gives him whatever he wants. Hes 27 and im 21.. he is probably just set in his ways in this area. But i just cant believe he is okay with the boringest sex life on the planet... it doesnt make sense to me. He thinks our sex life is amazing just because he gets to cum everytime.we hae sex like 4 times a week. I think im going to start lettng him know that i am not in the mood unless he goes down on me. No one learns unless they have to go through pain.


Wow. A Marriage Sex Therapist gets schooled by horny wife! Respect.

They should make a movie about it. It's ironical :scratchhead:

So right here is a great example why those letter explanations are not especially practical: you think he is C whereas he could be A or B. Who is the judge?


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

*Re: Talking to your SO about sex*

...


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

*Re: Talking to your SO about sex*

Buy him a copy of the book 'She comes first', DEMAND that he read it. Have a conversation after each chapter, offer your vajayjay for experimentation purposes>

If he refuses, implement your plan...




JoleenaL said:


> Lol!! Im positive hes not gay. He is just kind of selfish. All of his past dating relationships were with pathetic co dependant chicks that never challenged anything he said. Hes not used to being asked for things or told hes not measuring up. He never had to worry about someone elses pleasure before because the only cared about pleasing him. Even his mom gives him whatever he wants. Hes 27 and im 21.. he is probably just set in his ways in this area. But i just cant believe he is okay with the boringest sex life on the planet... it doesnt make sense to me. He thinks our sex life is amazing just because he gets to cum everytime.we hae sex like 4 times a week. I think im going to start lettng him know that i am not in the mood unless he goes down on me. No one learns unless they have to go through pain.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@JoleenaL


I moved you posts to this thread. So you now have a thread of your own.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

*Re: Talking to your SO about sex*



Buddy400 said:


> No generalization fits all instances, but without generalizations, it's not possible to think about a topic.
> 
> This was in response to a situation questioning why a SO who claims to love you doesn't do something that would please you.
> 
> I'll stand by these three major explanations: They don't know how much it means to you, they don't care that much about your happiness or you're asking for something that costs them too much to give (in which case, they should say as much).


mmmmm those are among the possible explanations. Performance anxiety can loom large for some people, seemingly a lot for me. (So says DH anyway.) There a million reasons why good sex is challenging beyond just I don't care.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Just an FYI, some of the posts from the other thread got moved here, so they may not seem to make sense based on the topic (I deleted mine here since it was part of a different thread)


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

*Re: Talking to your SO about sex*



inmyprime said:


> Or....>
> 
> Is it sexist or politically incorrect to suggest to download this gay testing app to check for gayness? :nerd: I am not suggesting it yet, just asking...
> Sorry. Couldn't help it. So strange to read about it.
> ...


But he isn't trying. It's not just the going down it's also the one position and 2 seconds. I mean he doesn't even care that his wife said he sucks.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

*Re: Talking to your SO about sex*



JoleenaL said:


> Lol!! Im positive hes not gay. He is just kind of selfish. All of his past dating relationships were with pathetic co dependant chicks that never challenged anything he said. Hes not used to being asked for things or told hes not measuring up. He never had to worry about someone elses pleasure before because the only cared about pleasing him. Even his mom gives him whatever he wants. Hes 27 and im 21.. he is probably just set in his ways in this area. But i just cant believe he is okay with the boringest sex life on the planet... it doesnt make sense to me. He thinks our sex life is amazing just because he gets to cum everytime.we hae sex like 4 times a week. I think im going to start lettng him know that i am not in the mood unless he goes down on me. No one learns unless they have to go through pain.


Don't have kids for a while. You are young and this doesn't sound very stable.


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## Phil Anders (Jun 24, 2015)

Why on earth would you get married before making sure you're sexually compatible?


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

*Re: Talking to your SO about sex*



JoleenaL said:


> Uhgg... thats what it seems like.. is there anything you can suggest that i do to encourage him trying without straight up refusing sex?:frown2:


Look men are idiots. You need to spell this sh*t out for him. Be calm, be clear, be honest and don't avoid anything that you are concerned about. 

Tell him;
- You love him,
- tell him you arent satisfied in your sex life,
- tell him that a stronger sex life is vital to your survival in the marriage,
- tell him you have no intent to stray or cheat while you are married,
- tell him that want to work on this together and be closer/stronger than ever.

See what he says.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

JoleenaL said:


> He is an amazing husband but we have our issues. 2 months into our marriage i asked for him to go down on me because its something that i love and it makes me feel accepted and loved. He shut down immediately and said no. He tried for 1 second and them said he wanted to gag and it feels wrong and vaginas are weird and that he needed time.


Well, "amazing" or not, it sounds like he sucks - or should I say, DOESN'T suck - in bed. I mean, c'mon. He's 27 and he thinks vaginas are "weird"? It doesn't sound like your vagina is all that "weird" to him when he's getting off. Frankly, he sounds selfish. I just can't believe that he wouldn't love to get down there between your legs. Heck, most men really love getting a woman off this way. 



JoleenaL said:


> 8 months later i asked him again and he straight up said no. I started crying and felt super rejected since i go down on him all the time and love to. ...he is intimidated because he has never done it before and needs to take it slow. We always do missionary style. Im bored our of my mind and he sucks at fore play and comes like 2 seconds.


It may be that he has an issue with premature ejaculation. After all, if he was pleasuring you, there is a possibility he could get off before he even has sex. Any possibility of that? I'm trying to figure out how a 27 year old man has never gone down on a woman. Apparently, it is possible. You have only been married for one year, and you are already bored with your sex life. Not good. Not good at all. 

Time to have a serious talk with hubs. You are more than a sperm receptacle. Four times a week, he's satisfied, and you are frustrated as hell. You deserve a satisfying sex life.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

For a women to post this, this problem here......

It is equivalent to throwing bloody chum into a large tank of hungry male sharks.

Hang onto to your garters Joleena.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

OP - some of us have similar experiences with spouses who have a very limited set of things that they are willing to do in bed, who seem selfish, or who have very little overall interest in sex. This is a very serious issue because it can make you feel resentful and neglected. It can also make him feel very pressured. This happens to both genders.

Its very likely NOTHING wrong with you. He may have some issue that could be addressed, or he may simply not like to do the things that you enjoy in bed. He may not be able to understand why these things are important to you. There may be NOTHING you can do to attract him - he may just not be wired to enjoy those things.

In some cases the gap in sexual interests is just too wide to bridge and you need to decide whether you prefer to live with a very limited sex life, or to leave. Only you can make that judgement. 

If he is willing to go to counseling, there is some hope a solution can be found, but maybe not. I'd suggest trying everything you can think of for 6 months - then if it doesn't improve make your decision.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

My marriage therapist friend did not even know his wife was having an affair for two years. She divorced him and he closed his practice and now is a prison Psychologist and miserable. I do not believe in marriage counselling personally because I have never seen it do more than delay the inevitable for a year or two. Easy to get people to try to change who they are but adults rarely can do that. It may work for some but all the couples I know who got it are divorced.

After 7 years of marriage I got bored too. However my wife was willing to try new things. We got into various forms of group sex but my wife was not into other guys and both of us prefer to have sex with people we are at least friends with. So my wife did something wonderful and something I never asked for. She started to invite her girlfriends to join us in bed. They all did since I was considered "hot" to them since high school days. We ended up in a 30 year poly triad with my wife's bi best friend. My wife discovered that she likes sex with girls and her best friend had a crush on me so it worked out very well. Not a single problem in all that time which is remarkable. 

Even nightly threesomes get boring so we started to try every fetish we could find. We did all the ones you will find on Fetlife, even the yucky ones. Whenever sex got boring we found a new fetish and sometimes that was enough to put the spark back for 3-5 years. We never had regular vanilla sex. All of our sex incorporated some fetish aspects ranging from very mild to extreme as the mood struck us. This will only work if all parties are sexually adventurous. Sometimes a spouse is fine with doing the same comfortable thing over and over again. That is my wife. She will do the same thing every time if I did not put a stop to it. She has never once asked to do anything different or suggested something kinky. It was always me who had to shake things up and luckily she was agreeable to try new things so it worked out. Sit down and find out what fetishes you may have in common. There are online forms that both of you can use and then compare your answers. If you do not change things one or both of you will start to cheat. Men usually cheat just for the sex while women cheat for emotional reasons. You need to do something to head this off.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

What does he says if you suggest using different positions? Or other things apart from oral sex? BTW not everyone likes oral sex.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

JoleenaL said:


> ... im so unhappy with our sex life and he wont meet my needs. Get this, hes a MARRIAGE FAMILY THERAPIST HIMSELF and ive had to teach him So many things.. idk what to do


I apologize for not thinking my response through. Did you two have sex prior to marriage? Assuming you did, I wonder why you didn't find him to be boring then. It sounds like he hasn't changed since your first time. Again, assuming you engaged in premarital sex, why would you find his lack of performance a problem now?


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

Yeah this is like a thing with some guys. I'm not sure what the percentage is. I think it's pretty far down in the minority. Some guys just don't like to do it. I know two guys like this. One of them in particular is way into beautiful women. He draws them. He constantly talks about girls that walk by, etc, etc, etc. In fact it's too much and gets kind of ridiculous at times, but I won't bore you with the details.....however.....just from a few conversations that I've had with him, I know he simply doesn't like going down. He thinks it's gross and will not do it, period. His wife puts up with it but I've even caught a couple joking complaints from her. I'm like 100% the opposite. It's like my favorite thing and oddly enough I really don't care if my wife returns the favor. I must be like one of 10 guys in the world who doesn't care. In any case people are just different. Go figure.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

*Re: Talking to your SO about sex*



sokillme said:


> But he isn't trying. It's not just the going down it's also the one position and 2 seconds. I mean he doesn't even care that his wife said he sucks.




Just because his wife writes he doesn’t care, doesn’t mean he doesn’t care 



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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Prodigal said:


> Well, "amazing" or not, it sounds like he sucks - or should I say, DOESN'T suck - in bed. I mean, c'mon. He's 27 and he thinks vaginas are "weird"? It doesn't sound like your vagina is all that "weird" to him when he's getting off. Frankly, he sounds selfish. I just can't believe that he wouldn't love to get down there between your legs. Heck, most men really love getting a woman off this way.



Yes, I wish I could build a house near my wife’s vagina. I could spend there all my time, even if I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing down there: this thing has more gravitational pull on me than a black hole.
It’s very strange. And even if he’s really terrible, it doesn’t make sense to me that he is reluctant, unless, you know, the gayness thing.
Or terrified of incompetence. But this is still less plausible to me somehow. I have never come across a guy who doesn’t like going down on his wife. (And who doesn’t go down on guys now). 



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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Rhubarb said:


> It's like my favorite thing and oddly enough I really don't care if my wife returns the favor. I must be like one of 10 guys in the world who doesn't care. In any case people are just different. Go figure.



No, I’m the same.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

inmyprime said:


> Yes, I wish I could build a house near my wife’s vagina. I could spend there all my time, even if I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing down there: this thing has more gravitational pull on me than a black hole.
> It’s very strange. And even if he’s really terrible, it doesn’t make sense to me that he is reluctant, unless, you know, the gayness thing.
> Or terrified of incompetence. But this is still less plausible to me somehow. I have never come across a guy who doesn’t like going down on his wife. (And who doesn’t go down on guys now).
> 
> ...


The thing is that you like many cant understand why someone likes different things to you. To imply that he is gay just because he doesn't want to perform oral sex is forgetting that many hetrosexual men and women are the same as him and that it's perfectly normal to like and dislike different things in sex.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> ... many hetrosexual men and women are the same as him and that it's perfectly normal to like and dislike different things in sex.


It sure is, however, there's a *big* difference between being a hypocritical selfish ass-hole and NOT being a hypocritical selfish ass-hole.

This guy falls into the former category.

It's utterly and completely selfish to act as though his wife's pleasure means nothing while his pleasure is the only thing that matters. And to expect and enjoy BJs then turn around and act as though she's not worthy of the same treatment just shows how incompetent he really is.

OP, I honestly don't understand *why *you continue to allow this fool to use you as his masturbatory 'aid' 4 times a week. I would have shut that **** down LONG ago.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> The thing is that you like many cant understand why someone likes different things to you. To imply that he is gay just because he doesn't want to perform oral sex is forgetting that many hetrosexual men and women are the same as him and that it's perfectly normal to like and dislike different things in sex.




You are of course completely correct. I should have put a disclaimer of ‘majority of men’, as usual. 


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

*Re: Talking to your SO about sex*

/


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

inmyprime said:


> No, I’m the same.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


That's cuz you're #6 of the 10 ....
Yeah OK it's an exaggeration.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Telling him you won't have sex with him unless he goes down on you is not the right way to go about it. If you were a man saying that about your wife you would be ripped to shreds for it.

If my husband said to me "I'm not having sex with you unless you do anal sex" my response would be "I guess we won't be having sex again then!"

Maybe he just doesn't like it.


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## pragmaticGoddess (Nov 29, 2017)

Have you talked to him about it? Not whinging and criticizing him, but having a discussion like adults. 

Telling him he’s boring in bed does not sound like it’s motivating him to please. And honestly some men don’t like oral so you need to work with your husband to ensure both your needs are met. It’s sounds like you need a compromise not divorce papers. 

It’s sound like most posters are affirming you by saying your husband’s selfish but it sounds like you are the same.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

*Re: Talking to your SO about sex*



JoleenaL said:


> Lol!! Im positive hes not gay. He is just kind of selfish. All of his past dating relationships were with pathetic co dependant chicks that never challenged anything he said. Hes not used to being asked for things or told hes not measuring up. He never had to worry about someone elses pleasure before because the only cared about pleasing him. Even his mom gives him whatever he wants. Hes 27 and im 21.. he is probably just set in his ways in this area. But i just cant believe he is okay with the boringest sex life on the planet... it doesnt make sense to me. He thinks our sex life is amazing just because he gets to cum everytime.we hae sex like 4 times a week. I think im going to start lettng him know that i am not in the mood unless he goes down on me. No one learns unless they have to go through pain.


I am placing a bet. (One that I will never cash out on alas since I don't know you.) Men can be very gripped about performance anxiety. To HIM this could look very different. All his OTHER partners were fine with his performance. You see a reason that they were more interested in pleasing him. He may very well see stud points in his experience. Something in his mind like it was good for them, what is wrong with YOU. Our minds can cling to stories that help us deny when we need to think, work or grow. If placed in this context, a different approach might occur to you.

Learning does not have to involve pain, figuratively if I imagine your meaning. Humans learn best through engagement and interest. IF he maintains a care for your feelings and IF he wants to transform himself into a real studly sex god in your eyes rather than just being a self serving prick, a different approach might be helpful to break himself out of his delusion that sex is all good so long as he is cumming. It is not a f you, do it dirt bag approach. For a couple of reasons. That challenge will breed resentment in him. His continued failure to satisfy you will breed resentment in you. Two resentful people trying to solve problems is a no win situation. Instead present stick and ooooo so sweet carrot.

Stick. Be real, honest and up front as kindly as you can be. You are newly married as I recall. In as pleasant an environment and with as little angst as possible, let him know that you will not remain married for the rest of your life with an unsatisfactory sex life. This is not an accusation or a guilt trip about him. This is a fact for YOU. A fact that you plan to make an important part of YOUR life. Tell him that in your life an important emotionally intimate and wonderfully orgasmic, fun, playful, engaging is a must. Assuming it is true, tell him that you want it with HIM. That you love him and want to spend the rest of your life with him. I am assuming that is true since you married. That you will do anything WITH him to make that the case. BUT if it is not the case with loving and giving consistent progress, then you will leave. Don't say that unless you mean it. I would hope that you would mean it. 

If he really feels vaginas are gross, address that in whatever way seems best. Intellectually he must know that is warped thinking. That is your BODY, part of you. That attitude should be gently challenged.

I would not make the fact of going down on you the sword to fall on. That is process, not goal. Start with a willingness to explore without orgasmic destination. Playing with your clit with fingers and toys in a sort of co-masterbatory way. (Mods does this remain appropriate? It is topical if not maybe entirely g-rated.) Enjoy touching and playing with each other's body in pleasant non-penetrative ways... See if that leads to a more open and exploratory mindset. The best and most compelling sex organs remain the mind and the heart.

If he gives you a hard no, I would say couples counseling for you both would be the next step. Good luck!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

*Re: Talking to your SO about sex*



JoleenaL said:


> Lol!! Im positive hes not gay. He is just kind of selfish. All of his past dating relationships were with pathetic co dependant chicks that never challenged anything he said. Hes not used to being asked for things or told hes not measuring up. He never had to worry about someone elses pleasure before because the only cared about pleasing him. Even his mom gives him whatever he wants. Hes 27 and im 21.. he is probably just set in his ways in this area. But i just cant believe he is okay with the boringest sex life on the planet... it doesnt make sense to me. He thinks our sex life is amazing just because he gets to cum everytime.we hae sex like 4 times a week. I think im going to start lettng him know that i am not in the mood unless he goes down on me. No one learns unless they have to go through pain.


So you are ok with blackmail and control? 
A terrible idea, when will people get that some people just don't like oral sex.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

*Re: Talking to your SO about sex*



NobodySpecial said:


> mmmmm those are among the possible explanations. Performance anxiety can loom large for some people, seemingly a lot for me. (So says DH anyway.) There a million reasons why good sex is challenging beyond just I don't care.


Performance Anxiety is indeed a real thing, it's been a problem for me in the past.

A husband who doesn't care enough about his wife's happiness isn't willing to go outside his comfort zone to acknowledge & deal with the problem.
He finds it easier to pretend it's not a problem, just avoid sex or (worst of all) makes his wife think she's the problem.

A husband who does can about his wife's happiness acknowledges the problem, assure his wife that she's blameless and does whatever it takes to address the problem.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> What does he says if you suggest using different positions? Or other things apart from oral sex? BTW not everyone likes oral sex.


If my wife wants oral sex and I don't like it, I'll learn to like it.


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## DallasCowboyFan (Nov 20, 2012)

*Re: Talking to your SO about sex*

Sinclair put out some good videos that show "How to" on oral. I would recommend ordering one of those. It would show him other men doing it and give lots of tips. All of their videos are for couples and are instructional but also show demonstrations of all of it. It might help.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

*Re: Talking to your SO about sex*



inmyprime said:


> Fair enough :smile2: but even if it were only about those three major explanations, how can you know for sure which of three it really is??
> In which case they are just plausible explanations and are absolutely of no help figuring out the solution!


I assume "B) She doesn't understand how important it is to me" and make absolutely positive that she acknowledges that. Then, if nothing changes, I change my assumption to "C) She doesn't care about my happiness". Or, If she explains that it would be too difficult for her to do (A) for me, then I decide whether or not I can live without it.

My experience has been that way too many people assume *C* without making certain that it's not *B*.


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

Does he take you to orgasm any other way during those 4 sessions a week?
Instead of cutting sex off, you can pull the "you need to make me cum tonight before you cum" at least half of those weekly sessions

Maybe watch a video about oral sex with him? I think there is one from "Better Sex Videos" about oral sex that removes alot of the stigma.. its very soft-core and old-school...


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

*Re: Talking to your SO about sex*



NobodySpecial said:


> If he really feels vaginas are gross, address that in whatever way seems best. Intellectually he must know that is warped thinking. That is your BODY, part of you. That attitude should be gently challenged.


Agreed.. I always felt people who thought oral sex... or their partners genitals... as being nasty/weird are just little childish brats... Like little kids (or sometimes adults) who dont want to eat vegetables because they are gross

YES, maybe its gross the first time, but there is a very small barrier before you enjoy it... and once you consider all the benefits you can find yourself craving it (im talking about oral, your partners pleasure...... and veggies too)


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

You are absolutely right that different people like different things. Unfortunately if their sexual interests are too far apart, there may be no way for them to be happy together. 



Diana7 said:


> The thing is that you like many cant understand why someone likes different things to you. To imply that he is gay just because he doesn't want to perform oral sex is forgetting that many hetrosexual men and women are the same as him and that it's perfectly normal to like and dislike different things in sex.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

JoleenaL said:


> Get this, hes a MARRIAGE FAMILY THERAPIST HIMSELF and ive had to teach him So many things.


Oh my goodness!


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

/


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

notmyrealname4 said:


> But why? If you give her a good time otherwise? If every time you placed your face between her legs, you had that "let's get this over with" feeling----that would be okay?
> 
> If my husband felt that way, I wouldn't want him to do oral on me. Who can get pleasure from a sex act, if their partner is not enjoying it at all. Not only not enjoying it, but actively dislikes it.
> 
> ...


My spouse's happiness is important to me.

If each spouse simply does what they like with no regard to what their SO likes, then that's not much of a marriage.

If there's a good explanation, then maybe. But, in my book "I just don't like it" isn't a good explanation.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Buddy400 said:


> If there's a good explanation, then maybe. But, in my book "I just don't like it" isn't a good explanation.


I don't eat Brussels Sprouts. I don't care how you prepare them, when one hits the back of my throat, I gag - for real. If my wife required that I eat them as part of foreplay, we would be at an impasse. 

That's how my wife thinks about oral sex. So oral sex is off the table.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Buddy400 said:


> My spouse's happiness is important to me.
> 
> If each spouse simply does what they like with no regard to what their SO likes, then that's not much of a marriage.
> 
> If there's a good explanation, then maybe. But, in my book "I just don't like it" isn't a good explanation.


My spouses happiness is important to me. That's why I would never expect him to do something that he feels very uncomfortable with. He is far more important to me than some sex act.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

OP I was hoping to hear the answer to "Does he make sure you orgasm some way other than oral?" Do you orgasm? Do you fake it? Does he ever ask you if you got yours? Have you guys tried any toys?

I agree that forced oral is never a good solution for either sex. But mutual pleasure is a requirement, at least for me. Wish I could have said that at 21.


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## Phil Anders (Jun 24, 2015)

Diana7 said:


> My spouses happiness is important to me. That's why I would never expect him to do something that he feels very uncomfortable with. He is far more important to me than some sex act.


I think what @Buddy400 may be getting at is that this binary like/dislike model isn't always accurate or set in stone. Sure, there are things people hate always and for all time--and then there are acquired tastes. Most of us didn't start life liking coffee or tea or beer or whisky or strong cheeses, for instance, but it's possible to develop an real affinity by giving something a second and third try. Maybe you just weren't fixing the Brussels sprouts the right way.

With an endeavor like sex, external feedback is a huge component of enjoyment. Your dynamic above works in two directions: watching someone gut their way through something they find distasteful lessens your enjoyment, because their suffering is a major turn-off (or should be). It's why "duty sex" sucks. 

But sometimes, watching your partner enjoy an act you are _a priori_ indifferent or averse to changes your perception for the better. You no longer think about it in a purely abstract, "why would anyone want to do ____?!" sense, but rather in the "That thing that drives my SO crazy with pleasure" sense. You get off more because an excited partner is a massive turn-on, and your ability to please them is an intoxicating power trip. 

Also, especially if it's a kink society frowns upon, maybe the other person explains their relation to it in a way that counteracts your own negative preconceptions. For instance, if a woman has always thought that enjoying pegging implies a guy is secretly gay, and she then comes face to face with a rabidly heterosexual partner who doesn't experience it that way, it might alter her attitude towards it.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Cletus said:


> I don't eat Brussels Sprouts. I don't care how you prepare them, when one hits the back of my throat, I gag - for real. If my wife required that I eat them as part of foreplay, we would be at an impasse.
> 
> 
> 
> That's how my wife thinks about oral sex. So oral sex is off the table.



Would you consider eating Brussels sprouts while getting oral? 
I think I would gobble those sprouts down like there’s no tomorrow if I had to 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Depends on what a "good time" means. Giving someone an O, is not the same as doing something that they really enjoy - as my wife seems to finally be understanding.

If there was something my wife really enjoyed, I'd do it fairly often unless it was something I found really horrible. I like to please her - and am happy to put up with doing something I don't personally enjoy in order to do so. 





notmyrealname4 said:


> But why? If you give her a good time otherwise? If every time you placed your face between her legs, you had that "let's get this over with" feeling----that would be okay?
> 
> If my husband felt that way, I wouldn't want him to do oral on me. Who can get pleasure from a sex act, if their partner is not enjoying it at all. Not only not enjoying it, but actively dislikes it.
> 
> ...


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

inmyprime said:


> Would you consider eating Brussels sprouts while getting oral?
> I think I would gobble those sprouts down like there’s no tomorrow if I had to
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


At this point, who knows? I REALLY hate Brussels sprouts, but I've only received oral once in my life. Seems like a pretty good trade.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

uhtred said:


> Depends on what a "good time" means. Giving someone an O, is not the same as doing something that they really enjoy - as my wife seems to finally be understanding.
> 
> If there was something my wife really enjoyed, I'd do it fairly often unless it was something I found really horrible. I like to please her - and am happy to put up with doing something I don't personally enjoy in order to do so.


I think there is a big difference between doing something that you 'don't personally enjoy', to doing something that you have a REAL aversion to. 

Maybe the brussel sprouts thing that someone suggested would be a better analogy if it was raw sheep's eye balls that were forced on you. Or raw cows testicles. :surprise:


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

I've met multiple people throughout my 36+ years in life that had an AVERSION to drinking water. They would do the 'gag' face as if water was nasty. I always think back to these people when someone says they wont do "xxx" because it makes them gag...

Well guess what, Water is not gross and not gag inducing... these people are living in a box they created in their brain and they lack the willpower to push their boundaries.

I guess what im getting at is this... You are either fine with this 'gag' act, or you want someone who pushes boundaries and tries stuff and realizes its not as bad as their brains imagined. Is that duty sex? I dont really know. Is it enjoyable to get oral from someone who doesnt want it? No its not.... but if it's just part of a transition phase where they start to enjoy it.. then ill help them along


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## introvert (May 30, 2016)

If two people don't experiment sexually before marriage, this is a very good reason they should at least DISCUSS this sort of thing beforehand. There is no reason the OP should be in this position.

OP, if your hubs isn't willing to experiment, I can tell you (as a person with an extremely high sex drive) you would be much better served to split up. Do not waste a lot of years without being satisfied, you will regret it.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Agreed and where that boundary is is difficult to define.

Once at a fancy Japanese banquet I had to swallow a raw egg. (utterly gross IMHO), but if I'd do it to be polite at a banquet, i'd certainly do something equivalently unpleasant to please a partner. 



Diana7 said:


> I think there is a big difference between doing something that you 'don't personally enjoy', to doing something that you have a REAL aversion to.
> 
> Maybe the brussel sprouts thing that someone suggested would be a better analogy if it was raw sheep's eye balls that were forced on you. Or raw cows testicles. :surprise:


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

uhtred said:


> Once at a fancy Japanese banquet I had to swallow a raw egg. (utterly gross IMHO), but if I'd do it to be polite at a banquet, i'd certainly do something equivalently unpleasant to please a partner.


YOU would do that, but would you expect it of someone else? Is that not classic projection? Disgust is a very difficult thing for anyone to overcome. It is not IMO a personality failing for your partner to be unable to "just get over it".


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

uhtred said:


> Agreed and where that boundary is is difficult to define.
> 
> Once at a fancy Japanese banquet I had to swallow a raw egg. (utterly gross IMHO), but if I'd do it to be polite at a banquet, i'd certainly do something equivalently unpleasant to please a partner.


A raw egg isn't that bad to swallow surely. Far far better than a sheep's eye. :surprise: I would be able to swallow a raw egg if I needed to, but I would never ever pressure my husband into doing anything that made him uncomfortable or sick. Nor would he do that to me. Why would I want to treat him that way? I love him far too much to use pressure, guilt, blackmail or manipulation to get what I wanted. 
There are loads of other things we can do.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

well this is a simple thing to fix. STOP giving him any BJs. If he asks why, say you will only suck him if he goes down on you too. Do not budge.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> I think there is a big difference between doing something that you 'don't personally enjoy', to doing something that you have a REAL aversion to.
> 
> Maybe the brussel sprouts thing that someone suggested would be a better analogy if it was raw sheep's eye balls that were forced on you. Or raw cows testicles. :surprise:




I’m not sure I have ever heard giving a BJ to someone you love being compared to eating raw cows’ testicles. I thought I have heard it all. I was wrong 
I think there comes a point where you just have to gently advise the spouse that it might perhaps be more sensible to just go out in the field and find themselves a good looking cow instead.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Talker67 said:


> well this is a simple thing to fix. STOP giving him any BJs. If he asks why, say you will only suck him if he goes down on you too. Do not budge.




She should pin him down and sit on his face until he changes his mind. Or suffocate 
That’s how I would want to go anyway.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Its all a matter of degree. A partner that turns down one particular sex act is different from a partner who finds a reason to turn down almost everything except for a limited set of things that they personally enjoy. 

I don't know how many restrictions the OPs partner has on what they do. 




Diana7 said:


> A raw egg isn't that bad to swallow surely. Far far better than a sheep's eye. :surprise: I would be able to swallow a raw egg if I needed to, but I would never ever pressure my husband into doing anything that made him uncomfortable or sick. Nor would he do that to me. Why would I want to treat him that way? I love him far too much to use pressure, guilt, blackmail or manipulation to get what I wanted.
> There are loads of other things we can do.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Well that's enough comparisons to keep me celibate for the next week. Thanks.


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## ilovemywife38d (Jul 31, 2017)

JoleenaL said:


> Hello, im newly married and new here, i couldnr figure out how to create my own thread. (me and my husband just had our 1 year anniversary this last weekend) i am so bored wth our sex life. He is an amazing husband but we have our issues. 2 months into our marriage i asked for him to go down on me because its something that i love and it makes me feel accepted
> and loved. He shut down immediately and said no. He tried for 1 second and them said he wanted to gag and it feels wrong and vaginas are weird and that he needed time. So i dropped it. 8 months later i asked him again and he straight up said no. I started crying and felt super rejected since i go down on him all the time and love to. I explained to him that i feel insecure about myself because of all the comments he makes about my vagina and he wont go down on me or meet my needs sexually. He made up an excuse saying its morally wrong and he doesnt like bjs. Bs. I brought it up 2 weeks later because i knew he was lying. He admitted it and said he is intimidated because he has never done it before and needs to take it slow. Its been 2 months and i had him google it. He still hasnt done it. We always do missionary style. Im bored our of my mind and he sucks at fore play and comes like 2 seconds. I just want to stop having sex with him because im so bored and feel so unloved in this area. I feel like a cum bucket for him. I have acrazy high sex drive but not anymore since im so unhappy with our sex life and he wont meet my needs. Get this, hes a MARRIAGE FAMILY THERAPIST HIMSELF and ive had to teach him So many things.. idk what to do





If he needs help on how to I will teach him lol


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

People do have different opinions about sex. Some people enjoy oral, and some don't. Personally I would not accept living without oral sex, both giving and receiving.

The important thing is two people who want to live together have similar opinions.

I made certain my wife understood the importance of accepting oral sex from me on our second date.

Personally I am not very interested in getting blow jobs. I am very turned on by performing cunnilingus. 

You need to decide how important this is to you. For me, this would be a deal breaker. But for me, sex is one of the three pillars of a marriage. Poor sex means the marriage topples over, and is completely untenable.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

*Re: Talking to your SO about sex*



Buddy400 said:


> My advice, no surprise, is that he doesn't care enough about your happiness to deal with his issues about this.


He's an idiot. (My apologies for a strong opinion here)


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

If you haven't done so, try being his playmate.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Zombie thread


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

JoleenaL said:


> Hello, im newly married and new here, i couldnr figure out how to create my own thread. (me and my husband just had our 1 year anniversary this last weekend) i am so bored wth our sex life. He is an amazing husband but we have our issues. 2 months into our marriage i asked for him to go down on me because its something that i love and it makes me feel accepted and loved. He shut down immediately and said no. He tried for 1 second and them said he wanted to gag and it feels wrong and vaginas are weird and that he needed time. So i dropped it. 8 months later i asked him again and he straight up said no. I started crying and felt super rejected since i go down on him all the time and love to. I explained to him that i feel insecure about myself because of all the comments he makes about my vagina and he wont go down on me or meet my needs sexually. He made up an excuse saying its morally wrong and he doesnt like bjs. Bs. I brought it up 2 weeks later because i knew he was lying. He admitted it and said he is intimidated because he has never done it before and needs to take it slow. Its been 2 months and i had him google it. He still hasnt done it. We always do missionary style. Im bored our of my mind and he sucks at fore play and comes like 2 seconds. I just want to stop having sex with him because im so bored and feel so unloved in this area. I feel like a cum bucket for him. I have acrazy high sex drive but not anymore since im so unhappy with our sex life and he wont meet my needs. Get this, hes a MARRIAGE FAMILY THERAPIST HIMSELF and ive had to teach him So many things.. idk what to do


Wow, your situation sounds familiar in so many ways. Personally, I would run far and fast, as things probably aren't going to get better.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)




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## Kate-Delv (Mar 30, 2018)

I might be a little dumb but there seems to be 2 threads and i dont know which im replying to lol. Pls help as i have some input


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> I think there is a big difference between doing something that you 'don't personally enjoy', to doing something that you have a REAL aversion to.
> 
> Maybe the brussel sprouts thing that someone suggested would be a better analogy if it was raw sheep's eye balls that were forced on you. Or raw cows testicles. :surprise:


At the risk of sounding pedantic, cows do not have testicals. 

Whenever a cow feels the need for a pair of testicals, she has to borrow the bull's testicals for a while.


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## Kate-Delv (Mar 30, 2018)

Ok i think im replying to the correct thing.

This may not help you but at i can share my experience on it which might help in some way

I had a serious bf once who only did it a few times. After having a long talk to him i found out he just really really did not like doing it. He didnt know why but he just really didn't like it

At first obviously i thought it was me but i cant remember what he said as it was too long ago but he said something that made me realise at the time some normal things or things we think are normal, some people just find not normal or some things most like, some people hate it.

He made me realise that (unfortunately) not everyone finds doing that pleasant and he was one of them so youre not alone and its not you. Its him and everyone is different


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## hardwired (Apr 6, 2018)

Vinnydee said:


> My marriage therapist friend did not even know his wife was having an affair for two years. She divorced him and he closed his practice and now is a prison Psychologist and miserable. I do not believe in marriage counselling personally because I have never seen it do more than delay the inevitable for a year or two. Easy to get people to try to change who they are but adults rarely can do that. It may work for some but all the couples I know who got it are divorced.
> 
> After 7 years of marriage I got bored too. However my wife was willing to try new things. We got into various forms of group sex but my wife was not into other guys and both of us prefer to have sex with people we are at least friends with. So my wife did something wonderful and something I never asked for. She started to invite her girlfriends to join us in bed. They all did since I was considered "hot" to them since high school days. We ended up in a 30 year poly triad with my wife's bi best friend. My wife discovered that she likes sex with girls and her best friend had a crush on me so it worked out very well. Not a single problem in all that time which is remarkable.
> 
> Even nightly threesomes get boring so we started to try every fetish we could find. We did all the ones you will find on Fetlife, even the yucky ones. Whenever sex got boring we found a new fetish and sometimes that was enough to put the spark back for 3-5 years. We never had regular vanilla sex. All of our sex incorporated some fetish aspects ranging from very mild to extreme as the mood struck us. This will only work if all parties are sexually adventurous. Sometimes a spouse is fine with doing the same comfortable thing over and over again. That is my wife. She will do the same thing every time if I did not put a stop to it. She has never once asked to do anything different or suggested something kinky. It was always me who had to shake things up and luckily she was agreeable to try new things so it worked out. Sit down and find out what fetishes you may have in common. There are online forms that both of you can use and then compare your answers. If you do not change things one or both of you will start to cheat. Men usually cheat just for the sex while women cheat for emotional reasons. You need to do something to head this off.


The guy is scared to death of oral sex with his wife, but he's going to be open to fetish sex? That doesn't add up to me, at all.


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