# 21 year anniversary came and went - so depressed



## kevsand718 (Jun 3, 2010)

I'm looking for advice and hope you all can help. I may jump around as I type this because so many emotions are going through my head and I apologize ahead. My wife and I have been married 21 years and we have 7 children. Like any marriage we have our ups and downs. Some days I feel like the love is so one-sided. What I mean is I would do anything for my wife. If she asked I would do it or support her. I just want that back sometimes. I feel like I always have to be the one thinking about everything and has to have the say in everything. If I ask about what to have for dinner I get IDK. If I don't come up with something then it's a "anything" you want to make for yourself night. If I don't keep tabs on the milk in the fridge then we will run out. I have to be the one to get the milk every other day. If she is out and I am at home she will not stop to get it. I play hockey in a men's league. I have been playing for last 8-10 years. She has only come twice to my games. I have asked several times for her to come to my games. Just so I can see her and have her support but she is not interested. I have said let's go out to dinner but it's either not the right day, not interested or doesn't want to try the place I suggest. I don't buy her clothes anymore because she doesn't like what I like in clothing I guess. So I stopped. It's the same with me. I picked out a pair of sneakers I liked but she thought they were ugly and made fun of them. I could go on but I think you have the general idea of what I mean by I just want to feel like I am loved, appreciated, and have her support when I do something. I want to tell her that I have thoughts about how I don't want to live out the rest of my life like this but I am worried if that would be too harsh. I do love her very much but I want to live, have fun and have someone that enjoys doing some things with me and just being with me. I feel like she is turning into her parents who are just homebodies and don't do anything. She wont go on rides at the amusement park anymore, she wont play any games or anything. Ugh so frustrating as I try to encourage her too when with the kids but she doesn't and I always have too. Sometimes I want a break from having to be the one to take them on all the rides or play all the games. Another thing is she will not wear shorts, skirts, dresses anymore, Really! she has great legs but nope always pants or those just above ankle ones. It's like she is 80 years old. Help!


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Your wife sounds like she’s depressed. 
So do you.
Can you seek some help?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

If you go to work and your wife is at home with 7 kids, I'm not surprised she is not very enthusiastic about anything. Why did you have 7? It's a lot to deal with.


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## kevsand718 (Jun 3, 2010)

In Absentia said:


> If you go to work and your wife is at home with 7 kids, I'm not surprised she is not very enthusiastic about anything. Why did you have 7? It's a lot to deal with.


I am self-employed and my wife works. During school I watch the younger one 2 days a week and grandma 3 days a week. On those days I am home I have to work nights. My wife wanted to work which I support so I agreed to work nights. It's not easy. I miss dinner and bedtimes.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

kevsand718 said:


> It's not easy.


No, it's not...


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## kevsand718 (Jun 3, 2010)

Andy1001 said:


> Your wife sounds like she’s depressed.
> So do you.
> Can you seek some help?


I have asked if she is fine, any problems and she says she is fine. That she is just not interested in doing, going to this or that. I guess my thing is just wanting her to take the reigns sometimes. Like say hey let's go here to have lunch, dinner or something or when I say let's go in the pool she's like hell ya and not "no thanks". You go in with the kids. I'll sit here and look bored. Ugh


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## kevsand718 (Jun 3, 2010)

In Absentia said:


> No, it's not...


When the school year ended I was like great. Now that she'll be home I can come home to have lunch with her, she can get our daughters room cleaned out so we can move our son into that room and grandma can get a break. Alas she decided to take on the 5 week summer program so now she is getting no time off really and I don't see our son getting moved into that room anytime soon now because she will only have 2 weeks off and already saying that she is getting nothing done at home that she wanted to do.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

kevsand718 said:


> When the school year ended I was like great. Now that she'll be home I can come home to have lunch with her, she can get our daughters room cleaned out so we can move our son into that room and grandma can get a break. Alas she decided to take on the 5 week summer program so now she is getting no time off really and I don't see our son getting moved into that room anytime soon now because she will only have 2 weeks off and already saying that she is getting nothing done at home that she wanted to do.


She sounds depressed to me. And a bit overwhelmed.


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## kevsand718 (Jun 3, 2010)

In Absentia said:


> She sounds depressed to me. And a bit overwhelmed.


If you are overwhelmed why would you choose to work a summer program? The choice was hers. Say no so you can work on the things you have been saying the whole school year. I don't get it and when I asked I got no solid answer. I guess I'm just going to have to ask again. We are going on a trip the weekend after she finishes the program. She finishes on a Friday we leave on Sunday. We had this planned before and I said we should make sure we have our days planned out for this trip, she agreed but that hasn't happened because she's busy with work. I pointed out a few things but she had no interest in doing them so I figured better to wait for her.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Why does she have to be the one to get daughters room cleaned out? Is there something special about it?

How old are the kids and why is the daughters room vacant? Does grandma live with you?

Sorry for all of the questions. A little more insight into the nuts & bolts of the household would be helpful. 

Just to note, you have had 3 more children since you started posting here and complaining about your wife. Are you a slow learner?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

kevsand718 said:


> If you are overwhelmed why would you choose to work a summer program? The choice was hers.


She doesn't want to stop because she's terrified of the void. A void she doesn't want to fill with you. I get this impression. I might be wrong.


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## kevsand718 (Jun 3, 2010)

Blondilocks said:


> Why does she have to be the one to get daughters room cleaned out? Is there something special about it?
> 
> How old are the kids and why is the daughters room vacant? Does grandma live with you?
> 
> ...


Our daughter is 21 and moved in with her boyfriend. She wants to clean it out cause she wants to pack everything her way. I would just bin it all and store it. She wants a more thorough process. So she doesn't want me doing it. 

No grandma lives 40 minutes away and comes over 3 days a week to watch our youngest. 

to your note, Yes and one child is an angel. thank you. When I wrote 10 years ago it was because I had found my wife had cheated. I also would not call it complaining or you could say that anyone that posts about their spouse / other is complaining. I was looking for advice during a rough time. We had also gone through marriage counseling at that time. As I had said then and say now I love my wife. I want advice on how to approach the subject. By your comment are you saying I should have gotten divorced already?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She’s not interested in you.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

No,


kevsand718 said:


> Our daughter is 21 and moved in with her boyfriend. She wants to clean it out cause she wants to pack everything her way. I would just bin it all and store it. She wants a more thorough process. So she doesn't want me doing it.
> 
> No grandma lives 40 minutes away and comes over 3 days a week to watch our youngest.
> 
> to your note, Yes and one child is an angel. thank you. When I wrote 10 years ago it was because I had found my wife had cheated. I also would not call it complaining or you could say that anyone that posts about their spouse / other is complaining. I was looking for advice during a rough time. We had also gone through marriage counseling at that time. As I had said then and say now I love my wife. I want advice on how to approach the subject. *By your comment are you saying I should have gotten divorced already?*


No, I'm saying more children don't fix the problems.

I don't understand what room your son is in when grandma comes to babysit is relevant. Just bin the stuff and your wife can sort it at her leisure.

You have 32 posts and have started 12 discussions regarding your wife. Perhaps if you provide more info on your threads you'll get more relevant advice. You do need to actually participate on your threads.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Openminded said:


> She’s not interested in you.


Nor in her family. Looks like she rather spend time at the school. I wonder if there’s someone in particular there? 

In the interim, you should stop working nights. That type of sacrifice wears on your body and is having an effect on your marriage.


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## kevsand718 (Jun 3, 2010)

Blondilocks said:


> No,
> 
> No, I'm saying more children don't fix the problems.
> 
> ...


I was trying not to create a novel for a starting thread. Sorry, guess i'm not good at this. Thanks for your feedback.


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## kevsand718 (Jun 3, 2010)

jsmart said:


> Nor in her family. Looks like she rather spend time at the school. I wonder if there’s someone in particular there?
> 
> In the interim, you should stop working nights. That type of sacrifice wears on your body and is having an effect on your marriage.


IDK
I'm self-employed. If I don't work nights then I have to make up the missed time somewhere. The money I make pays the bills. The money she makes goes to "kids needs". clothes, shoes, etc.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You joined 11 years ago — apparently with concerns at the time — so posters need background in order to help with what’s going on now. If she cheated, maybe the marriage never recovered as you thought. My observation is she doesn’t seem interested in you. The question is why. Is that new or ongoing or what.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

you remind me of the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. what gets me is that over the years people have been trying to tell you that she is not invested in you nor the marriage and yet it has fallen on deaf ears....you are the only one carrying this marriage and i gotta say it must be exhausting, and yet you try and try and try to no avail. Here is the deal your wife cheated and when she did that it proved a point she could get excited but not about you, yeah i know that sucks but that is the truth you can deny it you can rug sweep it away but after wasting 10 years doing this when are yo going to come to grips that your marriage is over....stop living your life for her and start living your life for you....file divorce and move on with your life....but in the end nothing we say will matter, you didn't listen to us in 2011 and you will not listen now because what you are looking for does not exist...and you can not magically make it come true. she has at best roommate love for you but that flame passion and of excite died with her transgression what you have is a shell of a wife. so go ahead and tell me i am wrong and go on with your life as is it won't hurt my feelings


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Damn, I suspected foul play from the first post but didn’t know you had already shared about being betrayed over a decade ago. That’s a long time to live with an indifferent wife. The opposite of love is not hate. It is indifference. 

Your wife would rather work than spend more time with her family. Like many of the WWs who post on LS and are of course “good” moms, your wife is emotionally missing in action from not only you but your kids. It’s been going on so long that it has become the new norm for them but it’s still not right. Your kids are cheated out of a loving mother because her heart is elsewhere. She can be in the same room with them but her mind is somewhere else.

If she’s not currently in an affair, she is holding a candle for someone. Once a WW gives her heart to another, it is very hard to win it back. It will be way easier to go out and date women until you find one that you click with than to get your wife to act like a loving wife again.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

kevsand718 said:


> IDK
> I'm self-employed. If I don't work nights then I have to make up the missed time somewhere. The money I make pays the bills. *The money she makes goes to "kids needs". clothes, shoes, etc.*


Honestly, if I could reach through the screen...


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

In surprised that nobody's asked how a guy with a wife, job, and 7 kids has time for a hockey league without abdicating responsibilities at home.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Two words:. Seven kids. 

Be realistic. You want her to play games and ride rides and she's got seven kids to try to keep up with. I mean it's a shame you two can't sit down and say I'll take care of the grocery shopping and cooking if you'll take care of this and that so that it's not all disorganized. I mean you're asking her about this and that and she's telling you do it yourself. Seven kids.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> In surprised that nobody's asked how a guy with a wife, job, and 7 kids has time for a hockey league without abdicating responsibilities at home.



The same could be said of her.....with 7 kids how did she have time for an affair but she did.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Give the guy a break, he has a hobby and WANTS her to be there with him! Some people have hobbies because they want to be away from their partners. 

All I hear from this man is how much he wants to spend time with her. 

If a woman was posting about a distant busy husband the answers would be different. 

He loves her, he wants HER. 

OP, it truly does sound like she is not interested in spending time with you, or the kids. 

Many women are overwhelmed with kids, and yeah maybe they are so exhausted they can’t go out. But they can play with them at home, talk with them, something, anything!

I can remember being crippled in bed due to a shock, I had a complete breakdown. But every day I’d bundle the kids into bed and played a stupid game called ‘I know what you can eat’ and we’d invent the most elaborate foods, starting with A and go through the alphabet. I couldn’t even take my kids for a walk for a month, but to this day they still talk about this! They had no idea what I was going though.


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