# Backing out from a sex promise



## lonesomegra (Dec 11, 2011)

For the past number of months I've been working hard to mend my marriage but today I slipped up. Just as a background for those who are unaware my wife was molested as a child but both the Sex therapist/MC and my Wife insist it is something I have to stop bringing up as my Wife has and is coping with her past.

When l am tired I find it hard to control my emotions and my urges. So today after a month of restraining from sex as the MC advised l asked my wife for sex. During foreplay I asked her to restrain from fingering my anus as if she wanted to do that I would insist on going up her ass. To this she give a sharp firm reply of No! And not to touch her there. I felt this was ok and let her climb on top of me to 'ride me cowboy style.'

Once on top I asked her to slap me, scratch me, bite me, suck me and f*ck me. And when she was done I would ejaculate on her breasts and face. She said yes to this and kept moving until she was happy to dismount. Although I had asked for aggressive sex she barely obliged and did not scratch, bite, slap or suck me. 

When I went to ejaculate on her my W covered her face and and I asked her why she was doing this as she had just agreed to let me do it. She then began to shiver, shake and cry and I could not get a reason from her as to why she was reacting this way. I asked her to ' suck my c0ck' instead but she said she hated doing that despite the fact she put her mouth around the top of my penis during foreplay when I didn't ask her to. I covered her with a blanket and left the room without ejaculating. She was crying at that point.

It is strange to me that for anal it was No but for the other tears. Do you think I am being played or has my W lied in MC about her abuse? If she didn't lie I think my sex life is finished with her.


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## Kari (Feb 17, 2012)

It sounds like your style of sex is all about you, and her doing things to you. It doesn't sound romantic at all (facials etc). Sounds more like a porn performance.

How about have slow gentle romantic sex for at least a while, just kissing, oral for her, and finish inside her, and not on her. Forget the biting and scratching for a while unless she asks you to do it to her.
Maybe she'd rather hear that you love her or that she's beautiful instead of 'suck my c0ck'.
And maybe she'd rather make love than 'ride you cowboy style. 

Even if she sometimes likes it rough, she's not going to want it that way every time, especially if she's feeling tired or blue for some reason. For you to act skip the romance and want her to be rough with you sounds weird if you haven't had sex for a month. You two need to reconnect with love and respect, not wild monkey sex.

'.


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## lonesomegra (Dec 11, 2011)

Kari I have been unable to ejaculate inside her for a number of years now. Even masturbation takes a huge amount of effort and time. She insists she hates sex no matter how I approach it. My slip up was that I broke my fast from sex.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

You ASK a woman to bite, suck, scratch you? No no no no NO!
You either p-ss her off enough for make up sex, or you tease her until she can't take it anymore - then she'll rip your clothes off and grab, bite, scratch, bite, suck, wrapping her legs around you and running her nails deep down your back.


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## Kari (Feb 17, 2012)

lonesomegra said:


> Kari I have been unable to ejaculate inside her for a number of years now. Even masturbation takes a huge amount of effort and time. She insists she hates sex no matter how I approach it. My slip up was that I broke my fast from sex.


So what happens if you make it really romantic with lots of passionate kissing and oral on each other without all the rough stuff? 

Have you gotten your testosterone levels checked?


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Kari said:


> So what happens if you make it really romantic with lots of passionate kissing and oral on each other without all the rough stuff?
> 
> Have you gotten your testosterone levels checked?


:iagree:

But I don't know the back story.


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## lonesomegra (Dec 11, 2011)

I think some of you are missing the point. My W never gives me rough sex no matter how often I ask. I believe it might help me ejaculate inside her but she doesn't want to even try. Nor does she O during sex. Therefore she insists sex is pointless to her. Romantic sex that involves flowers and candles lots of cuddling and kissing doesn't work either.

She only wants it with her on top - that is her decision not mine.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Make her angry! Or tease her! Well, that's how it's triggered in my marriage anyways. She goes wild once on heat, especially with the tease.


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## lonesomegra (Dec 11, 2011)

When angry she storms off and hides. When I tease her she gets angry. I cannot win.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> It is strange to me that for anal it was No but for the other tears. Do you think I am being played or has my W lied in MC about her abuse? If she didn't lie I think my sex life is finished with her.


It seems like she has an issue with blow-jobs and facials. Maybe more so when she is not in control...that would explain why she'd put her mouth on you herself, but would not when you ordered her to. 

Perhaps that's how she was abused? You might be triggering her past experiences.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well, my wife also likes to storm off before she loses control but I always stop her and force her to confront me and face it (when I'm horny) - which ends up with her losing control and hence the opportunity to make a move for makeup sex.

With the tease she gets angry? My wife only gets angry when I turn her down after getting her going (she calls it being left hanging), tell me; how do you tease her?


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## lonesomegra (Dec 11, 2011)

For instance the other day I had a muddy hand and chased her to wipe it on her face. She began laughing and ran away. Once I caught her she got really angry warning me not to do it. So I didn't. 

I cannot even in a vague way tease her about sex related issues. She has no real sense of humour this weather but will put on a different gameface when visitors come to the house using humour to belittle me.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> For instance the other day I had a muddy hand and chased her to wipe it on her face. She began laughing and ran away. Once I caught her she got really angry warning me not to do it. So I didn't.


Well... I would have done it... LOL



> I cannot even in a vague way tease her about sex related issues. She has no real sense of humour this weather but will put on a different gameface when visitors come to the house using humour to belittle me.


=/
Ok I think the issues are far bigger... using humor to belittle you?
That's rather... not cool, have you mentioned that to her?

Personally I wouldn't forgive that


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## lonesomegra (Dec 11, 2011)

Unfortunately according to the MC we are spectrums apart in our opinions and attitudes.My W's humour to put me down is something I should be able to withstand and I am too sensitive. Unfortunately the MC admits I am able to run rings around all the counseling and I am a huge challenge due to my 'high intelligence.' - But to me using those words 'high intelligence' was akin to calling me stupid. In other words 'Beware Greeks bearing gifts.' I dislike being set up for a fall!


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

First, the sex therapist/MC may not be at all qualified to deal with child sex abuse issues.

Second, you cannot assume anything is normal in her thought processes, most especially related to sex or nudity or emotional intimacy. Some women might respond to your requests for rough sex, some might turn you down because it doesn't turn them on, but your wife might be horribly triggered by it. Just because she says yes initially doesn't mean she is going to follow through. CSA victims are frequently manipulated and emotionally abused in such a way that they don't feel that they can say no to any request. So she says yes but then she gets triggered and freaks out.

If her therapist is saying no sex for a month, there is a huge problem in her ability to have sex with you in the ways that you have done it in the past. I'm not placing blame, just saying that the therapist thinks she is not able to have sex with you without emotional difficulty. You asking for violent or rough sex is probably very counter productive.

Have you asked her what her triggers are? Have you discussed safe words so she can tell you when she is getting uncomfortable? (Don't use "no" or "Stop" because that may be difficult for her to say. Use something like "red flag" or "jelly beans" etc). Have you discussed with her therapist ways for you to approach her for sex which will feel safe?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well you know what they say; "opposites..."

What does she say exactly? If you're comfortable with sharing that is...

EDIT: Thor just reminded me of something too, and he's right - it could be your approach in sex can be triggering the trauma. How you hold a woman, position her, anything can make her feel uncomfortable when it comes to past abuse.

Funny... actually, come to think of it I have not found one with my wife. Normally there's a few, past exs included - with previous women.


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## lonesomegra (Dec 11, 2011)

The therapist is well qualified and has many years experience including lecturing in colleges. My W would be comfortable never ever to have sex again thus safewords would be a bit of a waste I think. My other problem is that the safeword would need to change all the time as the period between sex is too long for me to remember a single word and I have a poor memory. 

That's not to say I won't suggest this safeword idea to my wife. It might help. 

We need to tackle other root problems before getting in depth into sex. My W is really hard to work with in MC and every word needs to be dragged from her. Slow progress is happening but my soul may be destroyed long before we get to an agreed resolution.

The MC is astounded we have lasted this long - 18 years- as our problems are very deep and I need professional medical help both physically and mentally.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

lonesomegra said:


> For the past number of months I've been working hard to mend my marriage but today I slipped up. Just as a background for those who are unaware my wife was molested as a child but both the Sex therapist/MC and my Wife insist it is something I have to stop bringing up as my Wife has and is coping with her past.
> 
> When l am tired I find it hard to control my emotions and my urges. So today after a month of restraining from sex as the MC advised l asked my wife for sex. During foreplay I asked her to restrain from fingering my anus as if she wanted to do that I would insist on going up her ass. To this she give a sharp firm reply of No! And not to touch her there. I felt this was ok and let her climb on top of me to 'ride me cowboy style.'
> 
> ...


The view is not very clear here from the "back seat", but from what you've posted, I have a feeling she does not trust you. Don't take offense to that...it's that she does not trust ANY man. And you're not helping her do so.

She can't orgasm. That's a mental block, not a physical one. She likes to be on top....in other words IN CONTROL. She does not want to surrender control to anyone. Because she trusts nobody enough to do so.

You tell her what you want to do to her, instead of asking her what she wants to do to you and herself. 

She intially agrees to do the things you want, but then backs out. My sense is she's agreeing not out of desire to be taken control of, but out of wanting to please you. And then, when it gets to be too much for her, and she realizes she can't follow through, you act the wrong way. You leave her crying. 

It seems she likes to finger your azz, but you told her that if she did, you were going to INSIST to go at her anally (if I followed that sentence correctly). 

You tell her you want her to bite, scratch, hit you. Still making it about you despite her possible discomfort with that.

She doesn't want to be controlled yet, but you tell her you're going to cum on her face. Women who love to be controlled or love to submit to some degree may like that, or even love it. Women who have issues with control, trust, or submission will hate every last bit of it.

Again, it's not a clear picture from the back seat here, but I see some real trust issues. And until she learns to trust that you have her complete and total well being and interests in mind, she'll not change. She won't be able to.

Gain her trust by backing way the hell off for a while. Not by abstaining from sex, but rather by making it completely about her. Let her do what she wants. Let her tell you what she wants. Have that safeword. You don't need anything fancy, the word "safeword" words just fine for us, and is kind of funny. Many times "no" does not mean no. It means YES but I don't want you to think it's yes. It means I want you to think it's "no", and that it just feels so good, she couldn't help herself. Many women need that "plausible deniability" to allow themselves to "go there" (slightly kinky places) in bed. HOWEVER, you need to know when "no" REALLY means "NO". And "safeword" is good for that. And, when she throws out "safeword", STOP, immediately, and back down from what you were doing. And when you do, DON'T challenge her by saying "but you agreed to this", or "you said you wanted this". And don't get all mopey or angry about it. Just STOP doing whatever it is that brought out the safeword, and carry on!

If you do that enough, and are consistent with it, you will gain her trust. But you'll blow it the first time you don't listen to her when she says her safeword, or the first time you get pizzy and get angry, or leave her laying there, or otherwise act like an azz if she doesn't feel comfortable doing something.

It takes time to build up the trust and work up to those things. As well as orgasms. If a woman is not comfortable, feels pressured, does not trust, and can't feel relaxed and get her mind in the game, she is NOT GOING TO HAVE ONE!

And virtually no woman likes to give up control to someone unless they trust them. Then they LOVE IT. But right now it seems you're trying to force control on her when she's not ready to be controlled. That's just not the way it works. It may work once, twice, or a dozen times, but ultimately in the long run, you're just doing damage if she doesn't trust you to not take it too far. To not get upset if she needs to stop an activity. To not do something even though she's expressed her desire to not have it done.

She was molested as a child. The fear of loss of control for her has got to be ENOURMOUS!!! Until you show her she's in complete control, and there are no repercussions for her being so, I fear she'll not make any headway.

I speak from some experience here. My W had some very real issues when we met due to being raped when she was a teenager. She could not stand for someone to be on top of her (laying on her) during sex. After a while, she managed it, but as soon as (and I mean the very second) we were done, I would get the "okay, GET OFF OF ME" thing. I took it. And smiled. Joked about it with her. No man wants to hear "GET OFF ME", but I understood it, and accepted it. And didn't take it personal. And it took a long time. Now she loves to have me continue to just lay on her after we finish, cuddle, and bask in the afterglow of great sex for a few minutes. I'll often, out of habit, go to get off of her soon after, and she'll say "no, stay here" and pull me back onto her and hold me tight. She also loves when I restrain her wrists with my hands. Or pull her hair. Or spank her. I can tell you NONE of that was happening when we met. No way in hell. We had to build up trust. And once I built it up with her, I started taking things further. And once I felt I really had it, we went a lot further. BUT, never ONCE have I gone a moment beyond "safeword" or given her a moment's chit because she wanted to stop doing something. And now? What was the result? A woman in bed that most men can only dream of. She's up for about any damn thing with me. I can completely take control in bed, and she craves it. Hasn't used safeword since the time I first tied her up (her idea). What did I do when she started to hyperventilate and said "safeword"? I stopped. Immedaiately. And unhooked her as quick as I could manage. And then held her. She said "sorry you didn't get to cum". I told her to not be silly, there would be the next time. 

Do you think I have her trust now? You bet your azz I do. And she now loves blindfolds. To be restrained. To have her butt slapped. For me to cum on her (oh lord she couldn't stand that before). To have her hair pulled. For me to talk dirty to her and tell her to "shut up and take it". She loves all of that. Because it is giving up control of herself to another (or more accurately, to give me the ILLUSION of being in control, because she's in control at all times with ONE WORD..."safeword"), and SHE'S NEVER BEEN ABLE TO DO THAT BEFORE. And it turns her on immensely.

Again, it's all in the head. We're twice their size and can do great damage to them. If they don't trust you, their head will not be in the "right place".


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

I was molested as a child and raped as an adult.

When I was younger, I was with an ugly man who would not stop pressuring me for anal. My boundaries didn't matter because he only cared about his own pleasure. The more the talked about it, the less I wanted to do it. I never let him, but I felt violated by the constant asking. 

I used to agree to sex and then lie in bed like a board or cover my face. I only agreed because this guy would pepper me with questions if I said no. I felt that he may have been able to push me into having sex, but he couldn't make me like it.

Constantly asking for a sexual act that your wife doesn't want is inconsiderate and certainly triggering for someone who has been forced to do sexual things. You need to have more empathy for what she has been through and stop being so pushy.

My husband is a very passionate yet caring lover. He is one of the few men I dated who never pressured me for sex, nor does he push me into anything I don't want to do in bed. My hubby is so gentle and loving.


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

lonesomegra said:


> For the past number of months I've been working hard to mend my marriage but today I slipped up. Just as a background for those who are unaware my wife was molested as a child but both the Sex therapist/MC and my Wife insist it is something I have to stop bringing up as my Wife has and is coping with her past.
> 
> When l am tired I find it hard to control my emotions and my urges. So today after a month of restraining from sex as the MC advised l asked my wife for sex. During foreplay I asked her to restrain from fingering my anus as if she wanted to do that I would insist on going up her ass. To this she give a sharp firm reply of No! And not to touch her there. I felt this was ok and let her climb on top of me to 'ride me cowboy style.'
> 
> ...


WTF am I reading?


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

FirstYearDown said:


> I was molested as a child and raped as an adult.
> 
> When I was younger, I was with an ugly man who would not stop pressuring me for anal. My boundaries didn't matter because he only cared about his own pleasure. The more the talked about it, the less I wanted to do it. I never let him, but I felt violated by the constant asking.
> 
> ...


And as a result, I'm betting you've allowed yourself to go further with him than any man before. And you've enjoyed it. Am I correct?

I believe that when you make the sexual experience "all about the woman", that woman will not only enjoy it incredibly, but will also walk through fire to please a man that does so. Why do so few guys get that figured out? A guy who can do so will rank in the top of any lover a woman has ever had. And when a woman thinks of you that way, she wants to please you in return. But the desire to please them has to be genuine. Women can see through bullchit when it comes to this a mile away.


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

I think you have a chioce,either except what she is going to give or file the papers and get out now and find somebody who wants the samething as you.If you have kids they know you are not happy so its only hurting them.


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

SpurnedLonelyHusband said:


> WTF am I reading?


I know... It almost seems like flamebait... But I guess it's all serious?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

donny64 said:


> And as a result, I'm betting you've allowed yourself to go further with him than any man before. And you've enjoyed it. Am I correct?
> 
> I believe that when you make the sexual experience "all about the woman", that woman will not only enjoy it incredibly, but will also walk through fire to please a man that does so. Why do so few guys get that figured out? A guy who can do so will rank in the top of any lover a woman has ever had. And when a woman thinks of you that way, she wants to please you in return. But the desire to please them has to be genuine. Women can see through bullchit when it comes to this a mile away.


:iagree::iagree: You are correct! 

I have tried anal with my husband and swallowing. 

I never did those things with anyone else. My husband never asked; I just felt the most comfortable with him. 

I have asked my ex how he enjoys a sexual act that he had to push a woman into. He got very defensive and angry, which means that he knows what he's doing is wrong. I think a man like my ex is only a few steps away from a rapist. Sex is supposed to be about two people enjoying it, not just one person suffering to get the other's rocks off.


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## lonesomegra (Dec 11, 2011)

Interlocutor said:


> I know... It almost seems like flamebait... But I guess it's all serious?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Interesting. Interlocutor I've never came across the term flamebait before so I looked it up. I am being serious here and I wonder what in my post is causing you to react in such a manner?

dubbizle in all fairness my children have noticed that their mother often acts in strange unprovoked ways and comment to me about it. Many of these actions happen regardless of bedroom activity/non bedroom activity. Although I have anger issues at least the kids know exactly where they stand with me. I am a naturally unhappy person regardless and they are used to my grumpy persona. 

FirstYearDown and donny64 I actually have greater trust issues than my W the only difference being I will take more risks than her. I can only salute the fact that you got over these trust issues to create good love lives for yourselves. I am working to encourage my W but I was tired and let my urges get the better of me. I am a very slow learner!

As a result if asked to restrain from sex by a qualified therapist I will do my best to do so as who am I to know any better?


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

So you went from nothing, no sex for a month, to wanting your wife to act like a porn star? And you threatened her with anal intercourse? That doesn't sound like a good way to heal an intimate bond. 

I think I'm missing something here. Is English your first language? I feel as though something is not being communicated well in your post.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

lonesomegra said:


> Interesting. Interlocutor I've never came across the term flamebait before so I looked it up. I am being serious here and I wonder what in my post is causing you to react in such a manner?
> 
> dubbizle in all fairness my children have noticed that their mother often acts in strange unprovoked ways and comment to me about it. Many of these actions happen regardless of bedroom activity/non bedroom activity. Although I have anger issues at least the kids know exactly where they stand with me. I am a naturally unhappy person regardless and they are used to my grumpy persona.
> 
> ...


I don't know what your "trust issues" are, but I can assure you that trust issues with a woman when it comes to past sexual abuse has a very deep and lasting impact.

You can't "encourage" her. She has to find her own way. But you can SUPPORT her in this. And, if you do this...this "supporting" her, you'll likely be the ONLY man who has ever done so. And you'll reap huge "rewards" from her.

I would ditch the therapist..at least as a joint venture with the wife. She can have hers to deal with her issues, and you can have your own to deal with your anger and understanding issues. I do not buy into this whole thing your therapist is suggesting about leaving her alone and not having any sex for a period of time. That simply (in my mind) reduces your chances to earn her trust. Spreads it out over a greater amount of time. It will take frequency and consistency for you to gain her trust. By that I mean you can't be this "great guy" for her and meet her needs (by alleviating her fears) in bed one or two times over the course of a couple months, and expect that is going to change things for her. I believe she needs to see a consistent PATTERN of behavior from you in order to learn to trust you. If that takes 30 interactions regarding sex, and you're having sex once a month, well, that's going to take an awful damn long time and is a recipie for disaster.

Make your goal to give her an orgasm (but don't pressure her). Forget about yours....FORGET ABOUT IT. Go into it with the mindset that you are not going to have an orgasm, intercourse, or anything else. Listen, you've masturbated your entire life. It's not going to kill you to keep doing it while she finds her way. And believe me, masturbation is much more satisfying when done with another, or even alone with the thoughts of you truly pleasing the one you desire. When she wants to stop...stop. She'll likely sympathize and say "but you didn't get yours". This is your opportunity to say "you know what babe, that's okay, I just want to be close to you and please you. I would like to finish though, so would you mind cuddling with me while I do so?" Maybe she'll be okay with that, maybe she won't. You'll have to find out. But I'm betting she'll be just fine with that.

You should strive to be the guy...THE ONLY GUY...who ever understood her and empathised with her. You do that by being completely unselfish in bed with her. Make it about her. Completely about her. Find out what she wants to do, then do it. When she says or you see (you should be watching closely) that she doesn't want to do something, then stop it immediately, and do not "punish her" for it by belittling her, getting angry at her, or getting all butt hurt yourself. 

My advice would be much different were she not molested. However, as she has been, you're dealing with a very different thing here, and no games, manipulation, or guilt trips played to her will help one little bit. In fact, all of that will only reinforce in her that (in her mind) she's a sex object...all men are pigs and only want to use her body for sex...that she has no value beyond what she can provide to a man in bed...etc. Because that's likely how she feels.

Also understand, again, that the LAST thing she wants right now is for you to "take control" in bed, be dominant, or for her to feel like she has to submit to you. Women typically only want that when they trust someone. And right now she can't trust anyone...even you...because nobody has shown her she's more than a warm place to stick a penis, or that what she wants counts. FORGET the fact that you pay the bills, are a good father, provider, husband, man, etc. When you get b!tchy, mopey, angry and all of that because she does not want to do something in bed, it just reaffirms to her, in her mind, that men (you included) see no value in her outside of what her body can provide. Until you show her that is not the case by making the sexual experience ABOUT HER, and what she's comfortable with, nothing you do outside of the bedroom will change how she feels about you inside the bedroom.

Again, this is not your "typical woman". She was molested. She needs to be in control. And until she feels that she is, she'll never give control up to anyone she cannot trust. 

When you wonder about this "control" and "power" thing, understand that many child molesters are MADE, not born (after a good deal of research and seeing this as a cop, at least this is my opinion...and I have some personal experience here as well through my exW's family). They're made that way because of the complete loss of control and power they felt when they were molested, and the only way they can "regain" that power and feeling of control is to do to another what was done to them. Does that cue you in a little bit to how damaging being molested can be? Why would anyone do such a thing to another that causes such pain to them when it was done to them by another? It's about the loss of power and control, and the need to regain it. 

Give her that power and control back. Let her know it's okay to have sex with you however the hell she wants. She wants to be on top...let her be on top. And let her keep doing it (or whatever she wants or is comfortable with). And when she doesn't have an orgasm, don't pressure her to do so. When she's finished, you're finished. And when she is in fact "finished" with the whole interaction before you, even if you're frustrated because you didn't orgasm or get what you want, you'd better leave her be, hold her, and just enjoy being with her and that she wanted to do something sexual with you. And make sure she knows you so thoroughly enjoyed that she just wanted to be with you that way...if only for a few minutes.

Keep doing THAT, and I believe you'll find the more it happens, the longer she'll be interested in this, and in fact the frequency may increase as well. She'll start trusting you. Respecting you. Feel comfortable with you. And be more attracted to you.

"Risks"? Every single time she gets naked with a man she feels it is a "risk". On so many levels. Until you show her it is not, she'll not change.

Again, were she not molested, my advice would be quite different. But, she was. Can YOU be the one man who can possibly show her that it is okay for sex to be all about her? The one man who can prove to her (PROVE TO HER) that she is more than a warm, wet vagina or mouth? Because every single phucking time you make her feel as though she's lost control in bed, or that your sexual satisfaction is more important than hers, you've just reaffirmed to her that her beliefs about what she is to men is true.

Time to man up and make it about her. You have not much to lose, and an incredible amount to gain.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

lonesomegra said:


> I think some of you are missing the point._ My W never gives me rough sex no matter how often I ask._ I believe it might help me ejaculate inside her but she doesn't want to even try. Nor does she O during sex. Therefore she insists sex is pointless to her. Romantic sex that involves flowers and candles lots of cuddling and kissing doesn't work either.


Your W was molested as a child and is receiving therapy, still, in order to deal with this. IMO, rough sex is going to exacerbate things and it would be a good idea for you to continue to work with the therapist.


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

You are saying that your children have two parents in the same house that have issues
, that just not good since they may show those same behaviors in their future relationship. The home should be a place where you kids can go be kids and not have adult issues they just have to live with[your unhappyness and her issues.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

donny64 said:


> And as a result, I'm betting you've allowed yourself to go further with him than any man before. And you've enjoyed it. Am I correct?
> 
> I believe that when you make the sexual experience "all about the woman", that woman will not only enjoy it incredibly, but will also walk through fire to please a man that does so. Why do so few guys get that figured out?


The problem is that your statement is not universally true. It assumes that a woman is willing to risk complete opennness and vulnerability again. Experience tells me that a woman may not. In fact, she may seek to minimize sex, expect to get some tangible benefit, or turn around and use her sexuality as power.

I've been on both sides of the coin. My ex was a CSA victim. She proposed to me; before accepting I made sure she knew my expectations in advance. She agreed but never followed through, noting many years later that she only did so to not lose me (sexuality as power). She also noted an entitlement to marriage due to premarital sex (expectation of benefit).

I encouraged her and nurtured her sexual development for several years. Only then, after I started suspecting all was not as she said, did I push. Then I got excuses: she could not be comfortable where we lived, she really needed the stability of owning a home, it did not feel like a family without children, etc.

Overall end result was that (1) she knew she had serious issues but did not see the benefit of improving as worth the effort, and (2) she resented that I called her out on the bad sex (she was comfortable being bad in bed). In her view, her abuse history entitled her to a "free pass", and it was okay to avoid rather than address her issues and deal with me honestly.

On the other hand, my first ever partner was also a CSA survivor. She was the epitome of what you describe: hesitant at first but then encouraged and ultimately liberated by a modeling of sex as an caring act. She was, in a few month's time, able to view sex as a give and take - never demanding from that point that sex be ultra-conservative or only the way she preferred.

My take away is that you should be willing to accomodate a woman's history and be sensitive where these issues exist. But, there needs to be accountability at some point. Openness and change, if they are to come at all, will happen relatively soon. "Eventually" is too open-ended and just allows her to avoid the issues.

At the end of the day, a woman (or man, for that matter) is responsible for bringing a mature and healthy self to a marriage. There should not be a free pass to never be a good partner based simply upon a CSA history. A refusal to get counseling means the abuse survivor is not serious about overcoming his or her issues and should be a red flag (for me it will be a deal-breaker in any future relationship).

ETA: I completely agree that forcing someone to perform something they don't want to do is never appropriate (and BTW I never did so). But pressure to improve is appropriate, because the alternative (waiting indefinitely and perhaps never experiencing that physical relationship you want) is unacceptable. The world does not owe anybody a particular concession because of past issues.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> Make her angry! Or tease her! Well, that's how it's triggered in my marriage anyways. She goes wild once on heat, especially with the tease.


Careful....that could back fire. 








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheMonogamista (Oct 5, 2012)

How about spending some time focused on her pleasure. Spend the evening warming up to things. Use gentle language. Give her a massage. Whisper to her how you love her so she feels safe and protected and cherished. Tell her you are dedicated to making her feel good and dedicated to doing it in a way that will work for who she is right now. Then give her nice, sweet, succulent cunnilingus--if that seems like she'd enjoy it. GIVE to her without the expectation of receiving. 
When there is trauma, it's time to step up and be the best you can be. Best of luck!


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Lyris said:


> So you went from nothing, no sex for a month, to wanting your wife to act like a porn star? And you threatened her with anal intercourse? That doesn't sound like a good way to heal an intimate bond.


This is the first thing that came to my mind. Who in their right mind trying to fix a marriage (or at least the sexual component of a marriage) with someone who suffered sexual abuse goes to porn-film sex instead of working your way there???


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