# 30 Reasons People Commit Infidelity



## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

I think this sums it up pretty well:
http://www.surprisedbylove.com/pdfs/30_Reasons_People_Commit_Infidelity.pdf


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I think it's a god idea to look at the different motivations for cheating. It will be easier to see it sooner rather than later.

the answer "because they can" means nothing to me.


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

Do they get extra points for multiple reasons on this list? Maybe we should have a contest see who's WS scores the highest.

A quick breeze of the list and I think my Ws is at 6 maybe 7, personally I am putting her over/under @ 10 and the action will be on the high side I am sure.

Seriously the list is pretty good hits several right on the nose maybe we can add to it?


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Good list. I'm a taxonomist by nature (no, I don't stuff dead animals!), and I see this list as boiling down to:

1. Selfishness
2. Anger
3. Cluelessness


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Mine scored a 24 out of 30.. sets the bar very high.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Reason 31 - Everybody is doing it, even mommy and grandma did it.. Wanting to fit in with the cool kids.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Not one of those is a reason. They are all justifications.

The only reason people cheat is because they choose to. 

Everyone "can" cheat - but many don't; so it can't be that.

Lots of people can cite one, probably many, of the things on that list - yet don't cheat; so it can't be that.

The only thing all cheaters have in common is that they put their desires (it isn't a need) above the feelings of their spouse and, often, children, and decide to cheat.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Well that and their partner's OCD at compiling lists. Maybe marriage is like any other complex bureaucracy; if you're having a meeting to monitor the status of your status reporting reporting then no one's actually getting the job done.


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

russell28 said:


> Mine scored a 24 out of 30.. sets the bar very high.


If I'm being 100% honest......... Oh boy, I don't know, yeah, I raised the bar on your wife's score. I'm not sure that anyone who has been in an LT EA/PA could, honestly, say otherwise.  

I didn't get a "perfect" score, but, still...... That checklist was like taking an A inventory. It's very disheartening.


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## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

Thanks for sharing StayStrong. That was really well-written. Whether you call them justifications or explanations, it does help us to understand the motivations behind cheating which in turn will make moving on or addressing the issues easier. Either way, of course, the choice to cheat is the ultimate reason betrayal happens.


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

I don't know why but the Perfect Storms one concern me the most maybe it's because anyone can fall victim to it.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

There is no reason for a list.

Just having poor boundaries that cause a spouse to become a WS.

That list is just all the different ways a WS JUSTIFIES having their affair.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

These are psychological explanations, not moral or practical justifications.

I didn't take the list as condoning in any way. The writing clearly dismisses every item in the list as destructive, or at least most of them.

Could it have been said with more details?

Yes.

It's still not a bad list.

What's MISSING is the RESPONSES from BS.

This would have been better written as a FAQ.

Oh well. Something to work on


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

theroad said:


> There is no reason for a list.
> 
> Just having poor boundaries that cause a spouse to become a WS.
> 
> That list is just all the different ways a WS JUSTIFIES having their affair.


Boundaries is in the list.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

xakulax said:


> I don't know why but the Perfect Storms one concern me the most maybe it's because anyone can fall victim to it.


This is not true. Only people who want to cheat, cheat.

I'm sure like most of us on here, I have had the opportunity to cheat when the chance of my spouse finding out was just about zero and there was a very willing potential partner plus alcohol involved.

I *chose* not to.

Unless you are an imbecile, there is no such thing as the "perfect storm". It's another excuse by somebody that wanted sex more than they wanted to be faithful.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

Several women have posted elseware that they liked feeling "wanted." Might be a subset of Excitement.


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

Chris989 said:


> *This is not true. Only people who want to cheat, cheat.*
> 
> I'm sure like most of us on here, I have had the opportunity to cheat when the chance of my spouse finding out was just about zero and there was a very willing potential partner plus alcohol involved.
> 
> ...




No one can say with 100% certainty what they are capable of tell they are face with it. I would never cheat  but fact that there is all ways possibility is what keeps me on my toes to enforce my boundaries.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

xakulax said:


> *No one can say with 100% certainty what they are capable of tell they are face with it.* I would never cheat but fact that there is all ways possibility is what keeps me on my toes to enforce my boundaries.


I agree with this. One would never cheat until they do. Plenty of examples of that here. We are all potential cheaters just as we are all potential sinners (if you think in those terms). Realizing this helps one pay attention to one's boundaries.

ETA: I also think that the truly remorseful cheater has the strongest boundaries of all.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Philat said:


> I agree with this. One would never cheat until they do. Plenty of examples of that here. We are all potential cheaters just as we are all potential sinners (if you think in those terms). Realizing this helps one pay attention to one's boundaries.



No one can say for certain until they haven't burgled a house that they aren't a burglar.

No one can say for certain until they haven't beaten someone up for no good reason that they aren't a mugger.

No one can say for certain that they aren't a murderer until they haven't murdered somebody.

To me, cheating is in the same moral category as the above.

You are factually correct that, until I am dead, I will not know for sure that I am none of the above, but right now I am quite happy to say I have not been and will never be any of the above.



Philat said:


> I also think that the truly remorseful cheater has the strongest boundaries of all.


Ah, I see where you are coming from now. Don't mind me, carry on. Nothing to see here.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

I think this list is very helpful! I still have a need to "go over" what the many possible contributing factors were for my husband so that he can tell me how he plans to deal with all of these things going forward. (It borders on obsessive, but that's the post traumatic reaction to what has happened.) I used to assume he had safeguards in place but I found out that he didn't. I need reassurance as part of my healing process. 

While we can never be 100% sure of anything, I always have been and I'm still pretty much 100% sure I'd never have an affair, especially not after what I've been through as a BS. But unfortunately I can't ever be close to 100% sure that my husband will never cheat again, not now that he's done it. Can he make me 90-something percent sure? We're getting there. 

It's only a year past D-Day and I'm more triggery lately, and due to some health problems that he has a lot of appointments for, we're missing a lot of MC sessions. I feel SO much better when we get weekly MC; it's like an injection of marriage improvement and hopefulgirl healing medicine all in one! I really notice the difference when we have to go without it.


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

......30 different, distinct, varied reasons for someone's actions

....and not one reason will make the BS suffer any less than any other reason.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Allen_A said:


> Boundaries is in the list.


So?


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

Hurtin_Still said:


> ......30 different, distinct, varied reasons for someone's actions
> 
> ....and not one reason will make the BS suffer any less than any other reason.


I think some of those situations are worse than others. They aren't all the same as far as impact.

I would much rather be wresting with a wayward that feels neglected, than wrestle with a wayward that's sociopathic.

Neither explanation changes the ethics of the situation, but the former situation is more easily treatable than the second.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Allen_A said:


> I think some of those situations are worse than others. They aren't all the same as far as impact.
> 
> I would much rather be wresting with a wayward that feels neglected, than wrestle with a wayward that's sociopathic.
> 
> Neither explanation changes the ethics of the situation, but the former situation is more easily treatable than the second.


Amen to that.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Who knows, who cares is the main reason. Mommy drinks because you're bad.


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

I don't know that you need to make the reasoning so complicated. A WS that engaged in an EA/PA was looking outside themselves for something they:

1) Could not find *within* themselves
2) Could not bear to look at *within* themselves

Unless the WS commits to working on this, you may have put out the fire, but the embers are still burning.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

Jung_admirer said:


> I don't know that you need to make the reasoning so complicated. A WS that engaged in an EA/PA was looking outside themselves for something they:
> 
> 1) Could not find *within* themselves
> 2) Could not bear to look at *within* themselves
> ...


This is SO well put. Without being wordy, it says so much more than "do the heavy lifting." THIS is the work that takes time and yet it has to be done if the BS ever hopes to be able to take the fireman's hat off and switch off the firetruck so it's not constantly idling.

Some people don't know where to start, though, when they're looking within - the list is helpful in that it provides some ideas.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

EI said:


> If I'm being 100% honest......... Oh boy, I don't know, yeah, I raised the bar on your wife's score. I'm not sure that anyone who has been in an LT EA/PA could, honestly, say otherwise.
> 
> I didn't get a "perfect" score, but, still...... That checklist was like taking an A inventory. It's very disheartening.


As someone pointed out, those are not reasons, they are justifications. When we try to justify things, we come up with all sorts of things. I have used many of the things on that list to justify my going back to cigarettes during the time I was trying very hard to quit smoking.

The reasons for infidelity are also many. They include excitement, lonesomeness, intimacy, and on and on. Sure, having those needs does not mean that one will cheat, just as having all those justifications for smoking did not stop me from eventually quitting smoking.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

Chris989 said:


> This is not true. Only people who want to cheat, cheat.
> 
> I'm sure like most of us on here, I have had the opportunity to cheat when the chance of my spouse finding out was just about zero and there was a very willing potential partner plus alcohol involved.
> 
> ...


You are correct. But what is being discussed is WHY one would want to cheat.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

sidney2718 said:


> You are correct. But what is being discussed is WHY one would want to cheat.


I think the word we are all looking for is "motive."

That's the term used in criminology.

That's probably the most suitable term under the circumstances.

30 _motives_ for infidelity, rather than "reasons."


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Why does anyone do anything but for one of those reasons, when you get to the bottom of it?


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

I think these are areas of vulnerability; added to outside influences like opportunity, they are contributing factors. WS's ideally should take a closer look at any that apply to themselves, and explore how these areas of weakness can be worked on, addressed, shored up. I don't think they're meant to be justifications, and I don't think "reasons" is actually a good word either, even though that's what the compiler of the list calls it.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

I find it interesting that what.. 85% of those motives have nothing to do with marriage or the betrayed spouse?

I would have to go over again to confirm, but it just hit me that almost all of those motives don't even mention marriage or spouse.

Just confirms the suggestion that infidelity really has nothing to do with fidelity.


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