# Text Flirting...or Sexting



## peridot78 (Jul 18, 2011)

I'm probably going to be the hated one after posting this, but I guess I'm looking for advice or reassurance that I'm not a horrible person. And if I am, I can't change what's happened, I can only move forward and hope that I can be forgiven.

I've been married to my husband for 4 years. We are very happy and I love him more than life. We have a beautiful 2 year old son together and he's the light of our lives. Even though we are happy in our marriage/partnership, I'm unhappy with the sexual aspect of it. The reason is that it's completely non-existent. We've been battling this issue for almost the entire 4 years. He has a complex about whether he can satisfy me or not and I've told him countless times that he does. Nothing I can say will change things. I've come to terms with that. I'm finally admitting to myself that this is what my life will be like forever if I want to stay married to him, which I do. Somehow he's just not an overly sexual person and even though he enjoys it, he doesn't feel an urge to do it often. We've had sex maybe 3 times in the past year.

Anyway, I have a close friend...I've known him for 6 years, we used to be co-workers and after 3 years of just being friends we began this extremely flirtatious relationship. What started as just friendly flirting extended into texting and once in a while phone calls. We have never had actual sex and the extent of our physical relationship was once he tried to kiss me at lunch time...lol. That's about it. However, we had phone sex once and some "sexting". We stopped talking for 2 years, He moved across the country 5 months ago and we recently have been in contact again and apparently have picked up where we left off. We feel a strong chemistry with each other in that sense and still a great friendship. I guess I use him for the replacement.

I feel very guilty, but at the same time...what am I supposed to do? How is it fair for me to have to live without some kind of sex life? We've been to counseling...tried everything. I'm very lonely physically and find that this long distance relationship with this other guy makes me feel wanted and beautiful and sexy again.

I have no intention on taking the relationship with this other guy past what we currently have. What the heck am I supposed to do now?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

You are in the middle of an EA (emotional affair) right now.

Even though you say you gave up on your husband prior to this affair, there's no chance it can get better now while you engaging in this behavior with the OM.

You need to hop off the fence and decide which is most important to you. Work on your marriage with your husband or leave because you aren't doing him any favors while cheating on him. To have this affair and keep your husband in the dark isn't fair to anyone involved including the OM and yourself.

I recommend that you end all contact with the OM and get into IC and MC.


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## Dandri (Jul 14, 2011)

Almost is correct in this matter. No one is going to jump all over you here. you and I have something in common in that you and I have commited an EA. My H found out by snooping through the computer and it ended our bad marriage the day he discovered it. It tore me in 2 knowing that I hurt him that way. 

Mind you I do not hate my H that I am going through a divorce with at this time. I still love him but the marriage was over. My H had the same sexual problem your husband does, my difference is my H took away even words of affection as well as non-sexual physical contact and became annoyed and angry even when I went to kiss, hug or touch him.

I turned to a man online for an EA. I didnt go online with the purpose of finding him, I came accross my OM playing a game and it was only a mild friendship at first and I pursued my OM it wasnt the other way round.

Thing here that you have to ask yourself is how do I want to spend the rest of my life? Do I want to spend it in a M with a man that does not want the sexual contact I feel I need and want from him? Is our non-sexual relationship sufficiant for me to not stray from my H. Am I only staying because of my child? Am I only staying because I am afraid to be alone?

You need to start asking yourself these very hard questions and it's going to take time, during this time I recomend that you cut all ties with your OM so you can focus entirly on your-self, your H, your M and your child. Find out what it is you truly desire.

Dont let anyone put you down for these feelings. Sex is one of the main things in a M that can tear the M apart. I know it happened to me. Sex is a huge part of a marriage, especially non-sexual contact and words of affection. So do not be afraid to talk to a MC or IC about your needs, wants and desires, maybe have a dual session with an IC and have your H sit in so he can truly hear what those needs and wants are and how it makes you feel when he does not give them to you.

In my own case it made me feel like a convience to my H, all sexual contact was on his terms which was not often, even non-sexual contact eventually became on his terms only. I felt cheap, unwanted, not sexually appealing to him, I basically felt like a "f*ck buddy" (please excuse the term) with the added benifit that I cleaned up after him, and I did all the yard work and pretty much paid for almost everything. So I had many feelings of resentment that mearly pilled one ontop the other.

If you let it continue with your OM (other man) then I can guarentee you, that your emotional feeling for that man will only grow for him, you'll begin to see things in your H that will have you thinkin well my OM would never do that eventually you'll begin to think why cant my H be like my OM. 

It's a very slick slope and can happen very fast - I know, I've been there. You dont see it happeneing at first but when you start to second guess your H and your M you have gone too far.

You are in an EA but it doesn't sound like your too emotionally involved with him YET as you did not say anything about your affection for him other than a friendship with added "benifits". So it may not be too late.

Since I have been in your shoes I know how emotionally wrecked you are and how guilty you feel for what you have done. I know the steps you need to choose from are not going to be easy decisions. But do not make my mistake by letting your H find out on his own. And if he does I can tell you this, you have 2 options - be honest (this is what I did) - or you can lie. Hopefully you'll have the heart to do the right thing, but only you can decide what that is right now.

You can read more posts on this subject to see how far you might be in your EA. You can also read posts from people here that were on the other side of the EA (meaning the faithful W or H). I recomend you see both side so you can better understand what it is you are facing. I can tell you with certainty the path you are on is a very scary one and you have the right to feel that fear. I just ask that you do not use that fear against your H. 

Because to be honest (I dont mean to be harsh) but us (you and me) as the cheaters in our M's it was our fault only that we cheated no matter the reasons we feel justify our actions. It wasnt my H's fault I chose to do what I did. I did it of my own accord there was no pushing on his part to make me cheat. Yes I was starved for affection and sexual contact, but it doesn't justify what I did. I chose, and I chose to do something wrong. When you can accept that you might be able to talk to your H about whats been going on.

I wish you luck in whatever you choose to make you happiest. Afterall the only thing that truly matters is that YOU are happy. You can not walk through life being unhappy and regretful and or resentful - this is no life to lead and is pointless. Do what is right for you, and makes you happy.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Almost is right - you are in an EA - same as I was. I was looked up on FB by a girl I knew in high school - I hadn't seen or heard from her in 22 years and to this day I still have not put eyes on her. For 7 weeks I was deep deep in and EA with her. Texting constantly, phone calls, phone sex - everything but a physical relationship. I can promise you - it is cheating - beyond a shadow of a doubt. But you know that or you wouldn't be here. 

You need to completely break it off with the OM - complete no contact and you likely need to tell your H. Most here will tell you that you must tell your H and I tend to agree but it is your decision. The reason I agree is that I think it is really the only way to end an affair, otherwise the temptation to continue is too great. I know I could never had broken off my EA if I didn't have to answer to my wife, and even then it took several months to completely end it. 

A relationship started in lies (an affair) is doomed from the start. You need to address the issues in your marriage and decided if you can live with them or not. If the answer is not, then you need to move on - but you need to do it in an honest and above board manner. Not while you are involved in an extramarital relationship.

Good Luck


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## RestlessInGeorgia (Dec 3, 2008)

peridot78 said:


> I have no intention on taking the relationship with this other guy past what we currently have.



Almost every wife that has had an affair has said the exact same thing at some point. It's like a drug, eventually you will become numb to the effects of the sexting or it won't give you enough of that sexual charge you're looking for. Then, you will crave it, like you are going through withdrawals. At this point you will start to think that maybe having sex once won't be so bad, because your husband is denying you what you crave from him. Besides it's only going to be just this once, right? Then, once turns to twice and so on and so forth and now you are looking for reasons to get away from your husband to have a secret rendezvous with your lover.

Do yourself a favor, quit saying what I have quoted up at the top. You are only trying to convince yourself of it. You are following the classic cheaters handbook. Close that damn book and burn it. Don't do this to your husband. He seems like he's insecure in the bedroom and this is why your sex life is suffering. 

He doesn't think he is pleasing you during sex. So, he decides not to have it with you that often so he doesn't feel dejected. You have all the power in the world to fix this yourself. Ask him why he doesn't think you are pleased with him during sex. If it's because he can't make you O vaginally, then tell him that there are a lot of women that don't. It doesn't reflect on him as a lover. If he is worried about giving you an O, then tell him he could always try oral. I don't know of too many women that can't have an O that way. Find out the reason he doesn't think you are satisfied and do something more to show him you are satisfied. Good God women, grab your husband and throw his @ss on the floor and take him right then and there. Spice your sex life up a bit. Give him a hand job in the shower. If you're into oral, just give him a blowjob out of the blue. Do things you wouldn't normally do with him. If he doesn't react to these types of things, then I would question whether it's a mental or physical issue and get him to go see a therapist or medical doctor. 

If you can't bring yourself to try new things to get that sexual spark back with him, then do him a favor and leave him now before your EA turns physical. No one in a marriage deserves to be cheated on and you have cheated enough so far. End it now with this OM and work on your marriage and sex life. You are really going to kill any self esteem he has left if you have a PA on him. Do you hate your husband that much?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Your husband needs help getting his mental health back - a man who doesn't crave sex is a depressed man. I would urge you to go to MC to discuss this and use that to get your H the right kind of help to find his libido. Be it counseling or medical...

My marriage somehow became sexless, in large part due to my depression, and it resulted in the end of it - the thing is I still had a libido, still took care of myself frequently but there was some other barrier, don't know what it is that prevented sexual contact with my W and I too just felt like I would disappoint over and over again if I tried. Lack of intimacy (ie doing things together as a couple) was a big part of the lead up, I always found her physically attractive but for some reason that wasn't enough to get me going, though feeling useless and not having her confidence and support was probably near the heart of it (if you are in an EA your husband stands no chance, so if you want to restore your sex life with him you gotta drop the other man hard and fast and fight the withdrawl) 

One thing he may want to look at is hormone therapy for low testosterone because in my case I'm very certain it is the possible reason I am in this spot. And I think IC can help determine any psychological reasons behind an imbalance.


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## Scottt (Feb 25, 2011)

peridot78 said:


> I've been married to my husband for 4 years. We are very happy and I love him more than life. We have a beautiful 2 year old son together and he's the light of our lives.
> 
> Anyway, I have a close friend...I've known him for 6 years, we used to be co-workers and after 3 years of just being friends we began this extremely flirtatious relationship. What started as just friendly flirting extended into texting and once in a while phone calls. We have never had actual sex and the extent of our physical relationship was once he tried to kiss me at lunch time...lol. That's about it. However, we had phone sex once and some "sexting". We stopped talking for 2 years, He moved across the country 5 months ago and we recently have been in contact again and apparently have picked up where we left off.
> 
> We've been to counseling...tried everything. I'm very lonely physically and find that this long distance relationship with this other guy makes me feel wanted and beautiful and sexy again.


I'm just trying to understand your timeline better before jumping in with any opinions or advice. I'm also curious about how your husband feels about this other man (OM), and how much he knows about the emotional affair (EA) you're involved in.

The OM has been a friend of yours for six years, but you've only been married for four. But the EA began after you'd been married about a year, is that right? Was your son conceived before or after you began the EA. With everything rounded off to the nearest year, I can't tell, but those two events must have been pretty close in time. And did you break off contact with the OM when you were pregnant, or after your son was born? The reason I'm asking is because I'm wondering if the hormonal ups and downs of pregnancy might somehow have figured into the whole mess.

You said the OM was a "close friend," so I assume you, he, and your husband must get together from time to time, or at least you did before the OM moved away. Does the OM act flirtatious when your husband is around, or only when it's just the two of you? And was your husband there when the OM tried to kiss you at lunch? If not, did he know you were having lunch with the OM? And did you tell your husband about the attempted kiss? If so, how did he respond?

At what stage did you begin counseling? Was it before the EA started, when you were taking a break from it, or after you began it again? Regardless, I would hope the OM was a topic of discussion in counseling, as he's a third party that you brought into your marriage. Was he the main reason you were in counseling, or were there other issues?


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## peridot78 (Jul 18, 2011)

Ok...my husband and I were engaged when I started working with the OM and we were just work friends. After I was already married the EA began and I cut ties with it when I became pregnant. Let me clarify that my H and I had sex for that reason. So for my entire pregnancy and first 2 years of my sons life, I have not had the EA with the OM. 

My H met him maybe a handful of times at work functions. And he knew that we not only worked together, but were good friends so it was ok that i went to lunch with him, but he did not hang out with OM and was not friends with OM. The almost kiss happened one day during work lunch so no, my H was not there. H is completely unaware that any of this has ever taken place or is taking place now. When we went to counseling, we pretty much only discussed the issue of him not wanting to have sex with me because that's the only issue we had and in my eyes is the only reason I have this EA. If he did fulfill me sexually, I wouldn't have a stray eye. Other than that, we get along great and have no other issues. 

I hope this clarifies things.


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## Dandri (Jul 14, 2011)

peridot78 said:


> When we went to counseling, we pretty much only discussed the issue of him not wanting to have sex with me because that's the only issue we had and in my eyes is the only reason I have this EA. If he did fulfill me sexually, I wouldn't have a stray eye. Other than that, we get along great and have no other issues.
> 
> I hope this clarifies things.


Unfortunatly I'll be dead honest - it is not your husbands fault you cheated. Ireguardless of your feelings on why the EA started or not, your husband did not shove you at this OM and say here have a go have fun I'm not interested.

If's, what if's, coulda, woulda, shoulda - doesnt matter.

Im sorry to be harsh on this but it was by your choice not your H's for you to cheated ***and im not being judgemental*** I'm the cheater from my own M - I had an EA just like you. 

There is no reason for anyone to have an A no matter the type and blame the spouse - that is not taking responsability for what YOU CHOSE to do. Your H didnt make you cheat, you chose to, because you felt you needed and deserved the attention (probly only at first) - but none the less it was a conscience choice on your part.

Like I said on my previous post - you need to own up to this and untill you do that you'll be in denial that you are at any fault or that your H should share the blame for you going else where for the needs you wanted fullfilled.

But you have many things you need to think on before blame gets cast or fingers get pointed. Cause only feelings will get hurt and distrust will go deeper and deeper.

If you tell your H its his fault for not fullfilling your needs that you had an EA - His thoughts are going to be along the lines of what happens if I stress out later along in our marriage for a few weeks and not satisfy her needs during that time is she gonna do this again?.... or something similar to that affect. 

You need to think long and hard about this, like I said earlier in my previous post to you - this is going to take time, your going to be afraid, but you need to think and really question yourself and ask your-self the most difficult questions.


****I mean no offence, I just dont want you to make the mistake many others have - read other posts - where the WS cheated and blamed the faithfull spouse for their affair - you will see the comments on how it made them feel - its not a road I would recomend anyone travel****


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

peridot78 said:


> If he did fulfill me sexually, I wouldn't have a stray eye. Other than that, we get along great and have no other issues.


This statement is an indicator that in fact there is something more to it... I don't think its possible to say there are "no other issues" other than sex, in my opinion a lack of libido means there are other aspects that your husband is feeling greatly inadequate about, while sometimes it seems like its easy to separate sex from other aspects it is intertwined with EVERYTHING else. It also is not a justification to stray, if you want to give your affection to someone else, and have been then you need to realize that the chemicals in your brain are telling you that your marriage is hopeless and your best chance is a new one, its the fog if it and it could be clouding your judgement and ability to appreciate your marriage. The responsible thing for you to do is stop the EA completely, get professional help and tell your husband that if he doesn't seek professional help it will result in the end of your marriage.


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## Dandri (Jul 14, 2011)

Lon said:


> This statement is an indicator that in fact there is something more to it... I don't think its possible to say there are "no other issues" other than sex, in my opinion a lack of libido means there are other aspects that your husband is feeling greatly inadequate about, while sometimes it seems like its easy to separate sex from other aspects it is intertwined with EVERYTHING else. It also is not a justification to stray, if you want to give your affection to someone else, and have been then you need to realize that the chemicals in your brain are telling you that your marriage is hopeless and your best chance is a new one, its the fog if it and it could be clouding your judgement and ability to appreciate your marriage. The responsible thing for you to do is stop the EA completely, get professional help and tell your husband that if he doesn't seek professional help it will result in the end of your marriage.


:iagree::iagree:


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## Scottt (Feb 25, 2011)

peridot78 said:


> Ok...my husband and I were engaged when I started working with the OM and we were just work friends. After I was already married the EA began and I cut ties with it when I became pregnant. Let me clarify that my H and I had sex for that reason. So for my entire pregnancy and first 2 years of my sons life, I have not had the EA with the OM.
> 
> My H met him maybe a handful of times at work functions. And he knew that we not only worked together, but were good friends so it was ok that i went to lunch with him, but he did not hang out with OM and was not friends with OM. The almost kiss happened one day during work lunch so no, my H was not there. H is completely unaware that any of this has ever taken place or is taking place now. When we went to counseling, we pretty much only discussed the issue of him not wanting to have sex with me because that's the only issue we had and in my eyes is the only reason I have this EA. If he did fulfill me sexually, I wouldn't have a stray eye. Other than that, we get along great and have no other issues.
> 
> I hope this clarifies things.


Yes, that clears things up. I must say your marriage got off to a rocky start. It sounds like your EA began within a year of your marriage, and the OM was apparently waiting in the wings even before your wedding. I know women like to think they can be "just friends" with men, but to us guys, if we say we're willing to be just friends, what we really mean is that we're willing to wait until we see a crack in your relationship so we can exploit it and make our move. Obviously, that strategy is working out OK for your OM.

I wouldn't be so sure your husband is unaware of the EA. He may not know specifically who you're having it with, or what exactly you're doing, but I can't believe he hasn't picked up on something. You say he knew about your lunch date with the OM, so he probably expected to hear about it afterward. That must have been awkward; it sounds like you left out what a lot of guys would think was the most significant part of it! I wonder if your husband could tell that you were holding something back.

It's not surprising that your attempt at counseling was a failure. You may have thought you were trying, but if you were serious, at some point you should have said something like, "Oh, yeah . . . I had an EA going on with a guy from work the first year of our marriage. Do you think that might have affected our intimacy at all?" (If you felt uncomfortable saying that in front of your husband, you could have asked to speak to the counselor in private.)

You sound as if you're devoted to your son and family, so there's hope for you, but I can't see your situation improving until you get rid of the OM. That should be easy enough, especially if he doesn't live nearby. You probably feel that you tried as much as you could with your husband, and that you were at your wit's end before the EA started, but who's to say that things wouldn't have worked out if you had just tried a bit harder? And I'm sure you would have, too, if the OM wasn't right there to "help you out."

Once you've gotten rid of the OM, you should have more time on your hands and more motivation to improve things with your husband. I'd recommend reading "The Sex-Starved Marriage" by Michele Weiner-Davis. Couples can read through this book together if they want to, but if the low-drive spouse is uninterested in the book, or too embarrased to discuss it, there's still enough in the book to help you out. One of the author's main points is that if one person in a marriage changes, the marriage changes, so there's hope for you even if your husband isn't trying. Which I think he would, especially if he knew the alternative was you having an EA with some creep from work.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

RestlessinGeorgia's got it right.
You're already starting on a fog rolling in.
Read here; learn what you're in the middle of, and subconsciously walking toward already... and what lies ahead. 
This will get harder and harder to stop, not easier. You will cause heartache and pain. How would you feel to find out your hubby did the same - or worse? Take this opportunity to make a dramatic change in your life and prevent really bad things in your future. Please.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

peridot78 said:


> I'm probably going to be the hated one after posting this, but* I guess I'm looking for advice or reassurance that I'm not a horrible person.* And if I am, I can't change what's happened, I can only move forward and hope that I can be forgiven.
> 
> I feel very guilty, but at the same time...what am I supposed to do? *How is it fair for me to have to live without some kind of sex life?* I have no intention on taking the relationship with this other guy past what we currently have. What the heck am I supposed to do now?


How is it fair that you're cheating on your Husband? It is cheating, no question.

You're not a horrible person, just someone who is making horrible decisions. You need to decide if your lack of sex life with your H is a deal breaker for your marriage, because having an affair with another man may be a deal breaker for your H.... regardless of whether or not it was physical. Some people may find the phone sex alone unforgiveable. If you're willing to sacrifice your marriage in order to continue the affair (because if your H ever finds out, it's a real possibility he may want a divorce), then the marriage is already over and it's best to exit now.

Even without having physical contact with the OM, you're betraying your Husband by what he probably fears most... his wife finding sexual gratification with another man. Who cares if it's only in fantasy and words. The botom line, it's not your H getting you aroused and helping you find fullfillment. This could be enough of a betrayal to push your H to seek a divorce upon discovery. So, keep that in mind in your decision making. My H thought he'd never get caught and that what I don't know won't hurt me. He was wrong on both counts.

If you want to save your marriage, you need to go NC with the OM. If you really want to put your neck on the line and go for all or nothing in your marriage... confess. It might be the only way your H can see how serious the situation is and his knowing will help prevent you from doing it again. His trust in you will be gone, so he'll most likely no longer allow you lunches with any man or support friendships with them. You take a gamble coming clean with your H, he still might not forgive what you've done. However, unless you fully engage him in your inner conflict, then you're more likely to do it again in the future.

Regardless, you really need to think about what you want for your future. You've only been married 4 years, if you're already this close to a PA now, I don't see how your marriage will survive the long haul unless some drastic measures are taken to make your bond deeper.

Good luck and really think about what it is you want from your marriage. I didn't mean to sound harsh, but I wanted to stress the seriousness of the situation. What you may see as a flirtation, could feel like a betrayal of the worst kind to your H.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

This seems to be a marriage with an OM prior to the wedding. Wow. 

Until the EA is completely gone all that is happening is putting the blame for the marriage problems on the husband during these sessions.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Entropy, I kinda agree, I'm seeing the signs of a depressed husband, but how much of that is from the failure of unknowingly competing against an invisible enemy for an absent wife? Poor guy doesn't stand much chance unless OP decides to own up to her cheating ways and do her share of lifting in the marriage, no wonder he is afraid of not satisfying her, probably can't because her affection has probably always been reserved for this OM.

And Peridot, I'm not saying you are a bad person by any means, just that your marriage certainly is way off track, and I hope you find it in you to understand the damage this affair has really caused. Hope both you and your H find happiness, and that if it can be with each other in your marriage that you can work past this.


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## peridot78 (Jul 18, 2011)

Lon said:


> Entropy, I kinda agree, I'm seeing the signs of a depressed husband, but how much of that is from the failure of unknowingly competing against an invisible enemy for an absent wife? Poor guy doesn't stand much chance unless OP decides to own up to her cheating ways and do her share of lifting in the marriage, no wonder he is afraid of not satisfying her, probably can't because her affection has probably always been reserved for this OM.
> 
> And Peridot, I'm not saying you are a bad person by any means, just that your marriage certainly is way off track, and I hope you find it in you to understand the damage this affair has really caused. Hope both you and your H find happiness, and that if it can be with each other in your marriage that you can work past this.


I might be thinking that I'm almost sorry I posted here. I wouldn't dream of blaming my husband for my EA and I see now where it sounds like I am. While some of he comments and advice are spot on, some have just taken the story down an uglier road than it already is. I started the EA after a year of marriage which was 1 year of having a sexually absent husband. In that year I was completely and utterly available to him in every way and still would be if he'd give me the chance. I have never turned him down due to the OM nor have I even thought of he OM in an intimate situation with my husband. Also, I didn't have a lunch date with the OM, we worked together and went to lunch all the time with others and sometimes alone. Just wanted to clarify again.

At this point I obviously need to cut ties with the OM. I can do that, but I will not tell my husband about it ever. Not because I'm afraid he'll leave me or for my own benefit but I'm going to spare him the pain. My only choices are live with the situation we are in and realize my sex life is over at 33, or leave him. He has admitted his issues and realizes things need to get better, but he refuses to take any action to make it happen.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

peridot78 said:


> I might be thinking that I'm almost sorry I posted here. I wouldn't dream of blaming my husband for my EA and I see now where it sounds like I am. While some of he comments and advice are spot on, some have just taken the story down an uglier road than it already is. I started the EA after a year of marriage which was 1 year of having a sexually absent husband. In that year I was completely and utterly available to him in every way and still would be if he'd give me the chance. I have never turned him down due to the OM nor have I even thought of he OM in an intimate situation with my husband. Also, I didn't have a lunch date with the OM, we worked together and went to lunch all the time with others and sometimes alone. Just wanted to clarify again.
> 
> At this point I obviously need to cut ties with the OM. I can do that, but I will not tell my husband about it ever. Not because I'm afraid he'll leave me or for my own benefit but I'm going to spare him the pain. My only choices are live with the situation we are in and realize my sex life is over at 33, or leave him. He has admitted his issues and realizes things need to get better, but he refuses to take any action to make it happen.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So go ahead and end it with the OM. That is probably not good for you anyway, even if you leave your husband.

You seem so certain that if you drop the other man there is no way your husband could fall back in love with you.

If that is the case then you should move on. Folks here in general thrist for a happy ending because they are not common enough.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

peridot, I do want to be optimistic in this and will admit that I'd love to see a happy ending in all this. Like entropy, I think you would be better off ending the EA too, and if you can get there and you can talk fairly with your husband perhaps you are both really unhappy and realize you just are not compatible and can end it for the right reasons. But as long as your are in EA you will not come to that conclusion reasonably and you will devastate your H, something that you just don't do to someone you love.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

It's good you posted here, shows that you care about your marriage and it's future. Some things are hard to hear, because many of us are the ones who were betrayed and hate seeing it happen to another.

Was your relationship always lacking sexually? If so, why did you marry your H? If it wasn't this way, can you see anything that changed to cause it?

Also, by saying you were in a sexless marriage for one year before you had an EA sounds like blame shifting. Think of all the woman who don't want sex because of a new baby. I had no sex drive for years. Does that justify my husband seeking sexual gratification elsewhere? No. There's no excuse for choosing to cheat. If your husband won't put forth the effort to fix the problem, then he doesn't realize how severe the problem is for you. If he had a choice btw, "Get help for lack of sex drive/sex life" or "Wife finds sexual gratification by texting other men", I'm pretty sure he'd pick the first option. He needs to understand this is a serious issue. Your H may be in his own fog thinking you'd never stray or leave him regardless of your physcial relationship.

I do agree that sex is a very important part of a relationship. My libido picked up once my kids were older and when I aged a little too (women peak later). I wouldn't find sex 3x a year acceptable either. Does your H have to be aroused for you to enjoy being intimate? Impotent men can enjoy sexual intimacy, it's not all about sexual stimulation. Paraplegics can remain sexually active after paralysis, it's described more as a "state of mind". I've read, "loss of sensation does not rule out loss of sexuality." I bet couples have tackled far more difficult sexual obstacles than yours, it's a matter of communicating, finding equal satisfaction, and not giving up. If he's experiencing a mental block, then he needs help finding the right "state of mind".

Good luck, I do wish you and your marriage well.


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## peridot78 (Jul 18, 2011)

Again, I'm not blaming him for my EA...it is undoubtedly my fault and there is no excuse. By me stating that it was 1 year before my EA and that year was sexless is just the facts, not an opinion or blame.

We were highly sexual when we met and were dating. It definitely subsided a little as we got comfortable and moved in together. I think it started to become less and less even before we got married and I didn't see it as a huge issue because the sex was still there and I was head over heels for him regardless. I love this man unconditionally and I am still head over heels for him. We have been to therapy and talked countless times about how I don't want to live without sex in my marriage and have been up and down this road for 4 years. If I do still give him the chance and work on it, not giving up as you are all saying...when do I draw the line? I fear we'll be 10 years in and divorcing.

I don't know what is going through my husbands head, I can't get inside of it to read his mind and I can only hope he's being honest with me about his feelings when I ask. But what he has said to me is that it's easier for him to not even attempt sex, than to attempt it and risk failing. Not once has he failed so I don't know where he's getting this idea. And I can tell you all this...from my view it seems he's happy the way things are. He is completely content this way and doesn't see the selfish in it. The reason I make this harsh statement is because again...we've been going over it for 4 years and he has not once attempted to change it. His words are just words. And because of the denial he's in, he's subconsciously blocking it and that's where he's going to be in shock when things come to a head...because he's been refusing to face it.

And again, I'm not saying it's his fault for my EA. I'm just stating the issue in my marriage.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I hate to say this but I will anyways

Telling your husband may be the wake up call he needs

besides it's the right thing to do, he deserves to know where your marriage is really at

I contend that while you don't wish to hurt him (I believe this to be true in some manner) you really don't wish to tell him because you're afraid your marriage will end. And yes, that is a good possibility that will happen. But ultimately he is operating complicated machinery with a few pages of the instruction manual missing. I contend that without the information he deserves to know that it is likely that the marriage will die a slow death (as you say in 10 years). Knowing what happened will either give him and you the tools to fix it or put it to a quicker end that it needs so you may both go on and have better lives without each other sooner.

I'd rather take a trip through hell for a few months than remain in limbo for years.

just my 2 cents

I do wish you luck


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## Dandri (Jul 14, 2011)

peridot78 said:


> Again, I'm not blaming him for my EA...it is undoubtedly my fault and there is no excuse. By me stating that it was 1 year before my EA and that year was sexless is just the facts, not an opinion or blame.
> 
> We were highly sexual when we met and were dating. It definitely subsided a little as we got comfortable and moved in together. I think it started to become less and less even before we got married and I didn't see it as a huge issue because the sex was still there and I was head over heels for him regardless. I love this man unconditionally and I am still head over heels for him. We have been to therapy and talked countless times about how I don't want to live without sex in my marriage and have been up and down this road for 4 years. If I do still give him the chance and work on it, not giving up as you are all saying...when do I draw the line? I fear we'll be 10 years in and divorcing.
> 
> ...


I understand everything you just said because you just described my M to my H.

dating things were great he couldnt keep his hands off me, it toned down when we moved in and even less before we married till a few months after we married then it all stopped dead in its tracks.

It's the "fog" or maybe he was second guessing the M or maybe it was something I did or said. To this day I dont know nor will I ever know. My H every time we talked I constantly reassured him that not only did I find him attractive, handsome, funny and that he was making me happy but that if I had the choice and he would let me that I would jump him at anytime of the day anywhere in the house if I could.

Still no improvements, he never tried really he would pretend to try for a month maybe weeks if that then it would end again and we'd have to talk again. My M almost lasted 4 yrs and we were together for 6 yrs.

Where my M failed and truly ended for me is when my H even took away words of affection and became angry, aggitated and annoyed any time I went to kiss, touch or hug him. So not only was the sexual aspect of our M long gone but then he took the only thing I "felt" we truly had left between us. This went on for 5-6 months before I found my OM and commited an EA 3 weeks before my H found out and left me.

I in no way blamed my H for my EA. I admitted when he confronted me with his bags packed. He said he was leaving and I respected the fact that I hurt him deeply and broke all his trust in me and let him leave.

I like you was in that place where I had to decide if I wanted to be in a sexless M or not. I to made the choice to cheat via an EA. I was in your shoes and although you and I may not have the exact same circumstances I do know the fear you have right now. Just because we had the infedelity in our M's doesnt mean that it doesnt hurt us that we betrayed the one we promised to love for the rest of our lives, it doesnt mean that your heart cant be torn in pieces right now, you have the right to feel what you are feeling.

But you need to have NC with your OM if your going to think clearly on what it is YOU want. Dont make my mistake and let you H find out the wrong way. Take time to think and when you come to a decision sit your H down and talk.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> I hate to say this but I will anyways
> 
> Telling your husband may be the wake up call he needs
> 
> ...


:iagree:
He needs to know this is a deal breaker for you - which it is. You can only fight your basic wiring for so long, sooner or later you will get your needs met. If you love him, which it sounds like you do, he deserves all of the information. In an effort to spare him pain you may well be denying him the information he needs to remain your husband long term. If you love each other and communicate your marriage can survive your EA. It will likely not ultimately survive burying this for 10 more years. The flip side is this, if your H loves you and has the benefit of knowing this is a deal breaker for you and he still won't at least try to meet you half way; you need that information so you know where you are in the relationship and can react accordingly.


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## RestlessInGeorgia (Dec 3, 2008)

peridot78 said:


> Again, I'm not blaming him for my EA...it is undoubtedly my fault and there is no excuse. By me stating that it was 1 year before my EA and that year was sexless is just the facts, not an opinion or blame.
> 
> We were highly sexual when we met and were dating. It definitely subsided a little as we got comfortable and moved in together. I think it started to become less and less even before we got married and I didn't see it as a huge issue because the sex was still there and I was head over heels for him regardless. I love this man unconditionally and I am still head over heels for him. We have been to therapy and talked countless times about how I don't want to live without sex in my marriage and have been up and down this road for 4 years. If I do still give him the chance and work on it, not giving up as you are all saying...when do I draw the line? I fear we'll be 10 years in and divorcing.
> 
> ...



Is there any reason you can think of in your past that may have caused your husband to think you didn't find him attractive anymore? Have you made comments to him about the appearance of other men before? Do you think he may have ever suspected that you were having an affair with another man, even before this? Have you ever been irritated verbally with him because of something he did during sex? Do you initiate sex with him? This is the big one. Some women believe that the male should always initiate sex. Men love for their women to initiate sex just as much as the women love their men doing it. This especially makes us feel that we are desired and attractive to our women. This is not to say that you need to do it all the time, just some of the time, and right now it seems you may need to do the initiating more than normal. I don't know of too many men that would turn down sex if their wife was standing there naked in front of them, basically throwing it in their face. Take away his worry of being turned down. Put him in a situation that he knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that he's gonna "GET SOME".  

In the end, there is something that has happened between the two of you that seems to be making him feel like you'll turn him down. The emotional link between the two of you is gone from his end. You need to think really long and hard about when the sex started a rapid decline and what may have happened prior to that to possibly have caused this feeling in your husband. Once you think you have it figured out, you need to sit down and talk with your husband and see if you two can deal with it. If it seems to be clinical depression then he needs to see a doctor. If he's unwilling, then you need to make him realize how serious this is to you. You need to go as far as to threaten to leave him, and follow through if he doesn't change. If you truly love him, then do what needs to be done to get him to realize the gravity of him not rectifying the problem.

No one expects you to have a sexless marriage at 33. All we are trying to do is help you keep your integrity by not cheating and not hurt your husband like most of us have been hurt. You have to know that he will find out eventually. You are going to slip up. It may not happen today or tomorrow, but it will happen. You are not a horrible person. You've just made questionable decisions. If you decide to stay, it may take work to get the sex life that you want. Are you willing to do the work? If not, then divorce your husband and find someone that will satisfy your needs. Don't find someone, then divorce your husband. Best of luck to you.


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