# Talked to my husband



## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

So I talked to my husband today and told him I wantedto know WHY he has done the things he does to me but would never think of doing those things to others. The short version is this. He has physically, emotionally, and sexually abused me as well as allowing others to either sexually assault or outright ra*e me. 

Two weeks ago we had a fight and the cops told him to leave for just the night but I told him I don't want him back here and so far he has honored that and has only come to pick up personal items with a police escort and has been here three times on his own to do other things.

His answer was that this is bigger than any of us to understand and that he could only suggest meditation and prayer. But he says he was not using that as an excuse. 

Are you freaking kidding me? I'm supposed to meditate or pray because of the nightmares and flashbacks that were a result of HIS actions? Not even an apology. Then he tells me I need to let go of the past and move forward so we can "fix" this. As if it were something broken that can be glued back together....

IDKY but that inferioritied me. He has caused so much trauma and heartache. He has stolen my dignity and my happiness to live and he says meditation or prayer and no apology. I just want to curl up and disappear. I have tried getting help for over two years now and ppl literally don't believe me or tell me it can't be that bad. I told mandated reporters and went to the police. I've had the police here and they treated me as if I were in the wrong. 

I admitted to pushing at him and kicking at him to defend myself and get away from him in self defense and one cop literally told me that next time I shouldnt "fight back" call 911 as soon as I can get to a phone. Then later as the other officer left and I had called a friend for help, he literally told me to enjoy my night alone with my friends and have a few drinks with them and have fun.

I had bruises, cuts, and scrapes. I was shaking and crying and those were not only words I didn't want to hear but inappropriate. I always thought the police were here to protect. If he comes near me again, I'm calling the Sheriff's Dept. I have lost all faith and trust in my local police.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Try not engaging him. His attitude of nonchalance shows that he is separated from the social norm. He is someone beyond your comprehension and should be avoided instead.

Carry a voice recorder for protection and DO NOT ENGAGE.

Try and take the focus away from him. He will try and draw you in, playing mind games while he is at it. The point is not to engage in the first place like you did. You hit a dead end without him comprehending the scope of his actions. If you head down the dark alley, do not be shocked if you are attack. You have children that need you and your priority should be there and yourself. So avoid the dark alley.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

You're never going to get an answer that makes sense to you because what he's done to you will never make sense to the average person. It's like asking a pedophile to explain why they find children sexually attractive. A normal person would never be able to understand it. Something is wrong with your husband's brain. You really need to find a way to completely separate your life (and your children's) from his.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

He wants you to pray and meditate this away so he won't have to accept responsibility for his actions. 

You can chose another way to live, but it will likely be without him. Abusive men do not change their behavior without extensive help, they do escalate their abuse. Please stay away from him.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Sadly, I wanted an apology and answers, too. I never got them. Never will. In a rare calm interaction with my ex BF after I decided I was done with him, I asked him why he hated me so much and why he treated me like **** on his shoe. He said one day he would tell me. Even then, I knew it was a lie. 

And you won't get an answer, either. I know you yearn for answers. You must accept that he is a very ill man, a defective man, and move forward with your new life. Prayer and meditation. Oh brother. 

I'm so sorry for everything.


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## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

Thanks everybody. I think I'm starting to get it through my head that engaging him is not only a waste of time but not healthy for me. 

I'm realizing I'll never get an answer as much as I need one because he is a psychopath. I don't say that as an insult because he is truly a narcissistic liar. I told him yesterday that he didn't know how to feel and ppl like him are dangerous. He was insulted but I didn't care. I at least needed him to hear my words but then hearing them doesn't matter. But I had to at least say it out loud. 

And I do know and have known that I can't live with him. But there is always that part that wants to believe he can and will change. 

He actually wants me to wait for him to go through a program for sex addicts and therapy and I almost did. But he missed his last meeting and I'm not even sure he went to any since he's been gone and he found a therapist for us. Not one for himself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

I know Lucy999. My eyes just about popped out of my head when I saw that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

AFallenAngel said:


> I'm realizing I'll never get an answer as much as I need one because he is a psychopath. I don't say that as an insult because he is truly a narcissistic liar.


I'm glad you see that. Sometimes in life, we just have to accept it is what it is and propel ourselves forward. It's hard, but it can be done.:smile2:


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## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

"maybe he was abused, maybe he just feels like he's gotten bad breaks in his life and it's everyone else's fault that he's stuggled" <--- that's 
Ecactly how he feels but he's had everything handed to him and his parents always excused his behavior so IDKY he feels he's been cheated. And he's a huge attention seeker and usually only from women. He uses my health issues and makes me sound like an invilad to women who feel sorry about all the pressure he is under having to take care of a sick wife. I've had to tell him to stop telling total strangers or anybody for that matter about my health because first it's none of their business and because he makes me sound like Im laid up and he's exhausted taking care of everyone and every thing when he doesn't.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It is a waste of your time and effort to try to figure out why he did what he did. In the end it's simple.... 

He treated you like he did because he wanted to. He did it because abusing you, controlling you, made him feel powerful/strong. That's the bottom line.

You need to go no-contact with him. Absolutely no contact until it's for something related to the children that is necessary. And even then only communicated via email or text. That way you can take your time to think about it and only respond when you are calm and have thought it through.

The reason that the cops probably do not believe you is that you stayed.

You also need to wasting your energy trying to figure him out. Instead put that energy into figuring out why you stayed with a man who abused you and let guys rape you. You need to find that out and you need to change that about yourself. Do it for yourself and do it for your children. Until you do this, you are subjecting your children to a life that is a mirror of what they saw between you and your husband. 

Stop talking to him. Why on earth would you even be around this guy after all that he did?


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## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> It is a waste of your time and effort to try to figure out why he did what he did. In the end it's simple....
> 
> He treated you like he did because he wanted to. He did it because abusing you, controlling you, made him feel powerful/strong. That's the bottom line.
> 
> ...


I honestly don't know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

AFallenAngel said:


> I'm realizing I'll never get an answer as much as I need one because *he is a psychopath*. I don't say that as an insult because he is truly a narcissistic liar. I told him yesterday that he didn't know how to feel and ppl like him are dangerous. He was insulted but I didn't care.


That IS your answer. You already have everything you need to know right in that statement.

He is a user, a manipulator, nothing is ever his fault, the world revolves around him and the only reason he ever shows any concern for anybody else is that it makes him look good.

The only way to deal with psychopaths is to get far far away from them.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

AFallenAngel said:


> I honestly don't know.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's a problem. 

Forget about him and instead focus on why you would want him. Until that's corrected, you'll be vulnerable to his manipulation.


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## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> That IS your answer. You already have everything you need to know right in that statement.
> 
> He is a user, a manipulator, nothing is ever his fault, the world revolves around him and the only reason he ever shows any concern for anybody else is that it makes him look good.
> 
> The only way to deal with psychopaths is to get far far away from them.


I know. Today he seems to be getting desperate because he's making nonviolent threats and tried telling me I need to get out of the victim mentality. Then he started correcting my vocabulary. He really doesn't get it but for some reason, he is pretty desperate to get me to go to the therapist with him. I told him I have a therapist and that they have the letters DA (District Attorney). He decided to stop txting me. Doors locked. Dog with me. Im taking a nap
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

Openminded said:


> That's a problem.
> 
> Forget about him and instead focus on why you would want him. Until that's corrected, you'll be vulnerable to his manipulation.


I try and IDKY i want him. I don't. But at the same time, I am having a hard time letting go
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It's never easy to let go. But you do it one step at a time. You have to learn to put your needs above his. If you don't, he'll continue to own you in every sense of the word. 

Tell yourself you deserve better. Because you certainly do.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

AFallenAngel said:


> I try and IDKY i want him. I don't. But at the same time, I am having a hard time letting go
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Is it the devil you know type of thing? While it's certainly harmful, its familiar. Change is scary. Not knowing is scary. 

How would you counsel your daughter if she were in your shoes (she already kind of is)? Why are you worth any less than her?

If you're thinking of being alone or dating again, don't. Take it one bite at a time. Your first order of the day is to keep you and your family safe
And you are doing that.

You must shut off your heart and listen to your brain. Don't talk to him.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

AFallenAngel said:


> I try and IDKY i want him. I don't. But at the same time, I am having a hard time letting go
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't think it would be reasonable to understand why you want to maintain contact at this time. I understood in my head why I needed to let go of my alcoholic husband. But in my heart? I simply couldn't let go completely.

Still, I decided to go no-contact. I decided to get a job. Get a hobby. Get involved in several local charities. I wanted to see how I would feel if I got involved in MY LIFE. Not his; mine.

To this day, all I can tell you is I'm codependent. In other words, I am addicted to fixing other people, figuring out other people, and reacting to other people so I can get them to like me.

But, as all addicts, I work a program. You are codependent. Everyone is, to some extent. But when we tolerate abuse, abandonment, and behavior other folks would never tolerate, we ARE sick.

My suggestion would be you quit posting entirely about him. Start talking about yourself, even if you are confused as to what you feel. Start talking about what type of life YOU want. Hey, even if it's a wild fantasy, just start posting about you want for you and your kids.

P.S. - No, you CANNOT post that you wish he would straighten out, see the light, and be the man you want him to be. That means your happiness hinges on HIM rather than YOU.


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## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

Prodigal said:


> I don't think it would be reasonable to understand why you want to maintain contact at this time. I understood in my head why I needed to let go of my alcoholic husband. But in my heart? I simply couldn't let go completely.
> 
> Still, I decided to go no-contact. I decided to get a job. Get a hobby. Get involved in several local charities. I wanted to see how I would feel if I got involved in MY LIFE. Not his; mine.
> 
> ...


I know this. And I know I'm just so tired and can't see a life beyond this. Idk. I understand what you are saying. Im just not sure I can do that
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

lucy999 said:


> Is it the devil you know type of thing? While it's certainly harmful, its familiar. Change is scary. Not knowing is scary.
> 
> How would you counsel your daughter if she were in your shoes (she already kind of is)? Why are you worth any less than her?
> 
> ...


I'm trying. I just can't keep doing this. I asked so many ppl for help whose job is to do just that. Instead I either got a whole lot of promises that I wasn't going to do this alone, or blamed. I just can't do this anymore. I'm so sick of begging for help and having it all turned back on me. Im afraid. I can't take the nightmares and flashbacks and loneliness I feel in all of this anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Like Prodigal said, you need to top thinking and talking about him.

Post about yourself

What are your plans for the next month? What things will you start doing to improve your life and yourself?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

He should check himself into Conan's temple of prayer and meditation.

Three rounds of no holds barred lessons in the ring will sooth his soul and cleanse his mind. 

He is not worth your time or consideration.

He honestly seems dangerous.

Be safe and work towards health.

Best wishes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Like Prodigal said, you need to top thinking and talking about him.
> 
> Post about yourself
> 
> What are your plans for the next month? What things will you start doing to improve your life and yourself?


I thought I was working towards those things until today. Now I realize I'll never be rid of him unless I leave and start over which I can do but no judge will let me take the girls. Im stuck and I don't think I can take his games and threats. Non violent of course.... He knows I keep my txts and is being careful now to push without looking like he is. You just can't get away from narcissistic psychopaths when you share kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> He should check himself into Conan's temple of prayer and meditation.
> 
> Three rounds of no holds barred lessons in the ring will sooth his soul and cleanse his mind.
> 
> ...


I think he has the ability to be dangerous but doesn't matter when nobody believes you. I guess the sterotype of having a good job and not looking psychotic still holds true.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

AFallenAngel said:


> He knows I keep my txts and is being careful now to push without looking like he is. *You just can't get away from narcissistic psychopaths when you share kids.
> *


*

Sure you can. But you need to get madder than hell and be ready to quit playing victim and start BEING strong. A judge may very well keep you tethered to this nut until the kids are 18, but you can limit it to strictly that.

Everyone who has been on TAM for awhile knows my story. I don't think you do, so here goes. I was married to a narcissist who was a habitual liar, and a charmer to everyone in the outside world. He slipped a few times, and really insightful folks could see through his veneer. But he beat me up for five years.

The last year, I made plans to leave. I don't mean gee-I-gotta-take-baby-steps. I mean I'm-getting-this-loon-outta-my-life plans.

I sacrificed a job I loved because another job paid $10K more a year. The job was rather boring, the commute was longer, but I was going to walk after one year.

I left my husband on a Sunday evening. He need me to "help" him out once again. After all, the commission checks weren't coming in, his boss was an a$$hole idiot anyway, and he deserved far better than what he had. I had lost count of how many jobs he had gotten and blown over the course of the marriage. It was always the same litany of complaints - the higher-ups were stupid, they didn't appreciate his skills, blah, blah, blah.

So on that evening he wanted me to slide him $800 to get through the month, I told him all bets were off the table. I could give him $400 and no more. I earned the money, I was going to pay MY bills.

He had an unregistered (and loaded) handgun in his office. I grabbed all my clothes and files and tossed them in my car while he attempted to manipulate me into giving him the $$.

As I finally started for the door with my cat (who was the great love of my life and MY BABY), he blocked the front door. No, I couldn't have the cat carrier or the cat. If I gave him $800, I could come back for the cat the next day. If not ...

I was enraged. I mean I got deep-down, in my guts FURIOUS. I told that SOB he would have to kill me and the cat because I was walking out. Darned if real anger doesn't scare a narcissist. Do I advise you do this? Nope. But I know when the mouse finally roared, the crazy man was shocked.

I walked out with my cat. He followed me to my car and attempted to drag me out of the driver's seat. As he was yanking on my hair, I floored the car in reverse, threw him off, and drove away.

I went back into the house with movers, and a restraining order in hand, five days later. I took what I wanted. My restraining order was good for one year and long enough for him to attach himself to a new victim.

Consider that: victim. Get damn mad at what this loser has done to you, because the day you do, you WILL take swift and immediate action. And you will stop being a victim.*


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

1. Stop talking to him. There is NOTHING he can say that will make things okay.

2. Get a restraining order if possible....at least look into it. 

3. Start boxing up ALL of his belongings in the house. Don't burn it (which is REALLY cathartic), just put it in the garage or something...get him OUT of the house all the way. 

4. Gather girl friends around you.... build some support. 

5. At least start brainstorming things you CAN do in the near future....job, school, kids, whatever....figure out things you CAN do to take control of your life and to start building a new, positive life for you and the kids. 

6. STOP TALKING TO HIM (A cop here just told us that if you inform him in writing...text or email..... that he is not to contact you unless it pertains to the kids and that you are NOT going to contact him unless it pertains to the kids.... after that if he initiates contact he is "harassing" you)


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

AFallenAngel said:


> I thought I was working towards those things until today. Now I realize I'll never be rid of him unless I leave and start over which I can do but no judge will let me take the girls. Im stuck and I don't think I can take his games and threats. Non violent of course.... He knows I keep my txts and is being careful now to push without looking like he is. You just can't get away from narcissistic psychopaths when you share kids.


You can do a lot to limit his access to you. 

Tell him that when he picks up the children and drops them off, he cannot come to our door. The children walk from your house to his car. They walk from his car to your house.

If you drop them off at this place, the same applies for you.

You will only communicate with him via text, email and snail mail.

I did that in my divorce from my son's father. My lawyer put that in the divorce. The judge signed off on it.

You demand a custody evaluation. And you cooperate with the evaluators. 

Have your children seen you husband get violent?

How is he still in your life? How are you communicating with him?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

AFallenAngel said:


> I know. Today he seems to be getting desperate because he's making nonviolent threats and tried telling me I need to get out of the victim mentality. Then he started correcting my vocabulary. He really doesn't get it but for some reason, he is pretty desperate to get me to go to the therapist with him. I told him I have a therapist and that they have the letters DA (District Attorney).* He decided to stop txting me. *Doors locked. Dog with me. Im taking a nap
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


How about, instead, YOU stop ACCEPTING his texts?

None of this will end until YOU stop participating.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

AFallenAngel said:


> can't see a life beyond this.


Look for a thread here from a lady named Navy3. She'd been brutally abused, raped, and tortured for DECADES, and she is handicapped so much that she has to use a walker or scooter and has to have caregivers bathe her.

Yet she was able to walk away from her abusive husband. 

If she can do it, there's no reason you can't.


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## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

Prodigal said:


> Sure you can. But you need to get madder than hell and be ready to quit playing victim and start BEING strong. A judge may very well keep you tethered to this nut until the kids are 18, but you can limit it to strictly that.
> 
> Everyone who has been on TAM for awhile knows my story. I don't think you do, so here goes. I was married to a narcissist who was a habitual liar, and a charmer to everyone in the outside world. He slipped a few times, and really insightful folks could see through his veneer. But he beat me up for five years.
> 
> ...


Thank you. I just can't believe that ppl actually expect me to help him overcome his sex addiction knowing what he had put me through. It hit me so hard and IDKY because I should be used to this by now. I just cannot believe that I couldn't get the help I had literally been begging for through therapists, doctors, police... ALL mandated reporters. So far he has agreed to mostly everything I want in the divorce but the papers still need to be signed. Im just so afraid because I haven't had a job in 18 years, what is going to be out there for me that will pay the bills. And a divorce is all I've wanted this last two years but while I should at least be relieved, Im stressed and sick and crying all the time. I just don't get it
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

SunnyT said:


> 1. Stop talking to him. There is NOTHING he can say that will make things okay.
> 
> 2. Get a restraining order if possible....at least look into it.
> 
> ...


He has been leaving us alone for the most part. Just txting me but today we decided at least on child placement and I feel better about that. I just don't want to rock the boat until those papers are signed
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

turnera said:


> Look for a thread here from a lady named Navy3. She'd been brutally abused, raped, and tortured for DECADES, and she is handicapped so much that she has to use a walker or scooter and has to have caregivers bathe her.
> 
> Yet she was able to walk away from her abusive husband.
> 
> If she can do it, there's no reason you can't.


Thank you. I will. We are drafting our own divorce terms and my lawyer is going to draft the legal document. So far he's given me the one thing I won't negotiate and that is placement of the kids
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you gone to your city to find out what city services are available to you as a newly single mother? Probably lots of help, including therapy, which you really need.


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## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

turnera said:


> How about, instead, YOU stop ACCEPTING his texts?
> 
> None of this will end until YOU stop participating.


I just want the papers signed. I think his time with the therapist either made him realize a few things or he was told things he did not want to hear. Either way, once the papers are signed and officially ordered by a judge, Im being careful not to hack him off.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

We know it is tough. You are doing great! Keep it up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> You can do a lot to limit his access to you.
> 
> Tell him that when he picks up the children and drops them off, he cannot come to our door. The children walk from your house to his car. They walk from his car to your house.
> 
> ...


The kids have seen him get violent a few times and he hasn't lived here for just going on three weeks. He hasn't attempted to visit with them or take them out for a visit. So far today our only communication has been about terms of divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> We know it is tough. You are doing great! Keep it up.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you. Reality is starting to sink in and Im struggling pretty hard. IDKY because I felt so relieved before but now I just feel the same way I felt when I witnessed a plane crash and watched ppl walking around on fire then dying. That's the only thing I can compare this feeling to
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

turnera said:


> Have you gone to your city to find out what city services are available to you as a newly single mother? Probably lots of help, including therapy, which you really need.


Agree..

Also look up the SNAP program in our state. they give ebt cards for food. Sometimes they have money for other things. 

If you have no income, you should be able to get welfare for a while.

Go to Goodwill and see if they can help you with anything.. food, money for utilities, and job training programs. See what they have.

Go to church's in your area and ask for help. Ask about their food banks.


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## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Agree..
> 
> Also look up the SNAP program in our state. they give ebt cards for food. Sometimes they have money for other things.
> 
> ...


Thanks. I have been looking for resources but so far it's money I need and Im having trouble finding jobs
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> We know it is tough. You are doing great! Keep it up.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Feel so lonely
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

Personal said:


> That will pass, it's not so much being lonely at all it's just the fact you're not used to being alone. Anyway what are your favourite things to do?


I feel like I've been alone the past two years. After he got weird sexually and tried involving me in his perversions, it was pretty much over. But I just can't stop crying tonight and I feel like I'm going in the wrong direction. 

I have three very stressed out kids and so I don't have time to do things for me lately and I need to be looking for a job but I hope that will come. 

I just don't think I'm supposed to be feeling worse every day like I've been. Sometimes I worry myself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

Personal said:


> That will pass, whether you like it or not you're on a roller coaster so the up and down isn't over and doesn't magically dissolve or go away either. So sometimes it may feel like a struggle from minute to minute, hour to hour and day to day then month to month etc.
> 
> The best you can do is one step at a time nothing more or less, though you will trip and sometimes fall, picking yourself up each time will eventually become easier along the way.
> 
> ...


Right now..... Sleep and dream good dreams. I still have nightmares and flashbacks so I hardly sleep and have been like this for two years.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

You need to learn to focus on the things you do have control over and go from there. Also, it is okay to seek help while you get back on your feet. Whether it is government asisstance for a while until you have your feet under you, or your family, possibly both, take advantage of what you have and what you can get access to.

Start creating goals for your life and find ways and help of achieving those goals. For instance, go back to school while working a part time job.

You do not have to do it alone, there are people who care about you. Surround yourself with friends and family.

The goal is to break things down into manageable pieces and limit your focus.

The whole picture may seem daunting, but narrow your attention on one thing and eventually you will knock them out over time.


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## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

Mr.Fisty said:


> You need to learn to focus on the things you do have control over and go from there. Also, it is okay to seek help while you get back on your feet. Whether it is government asisstance for a while until you have your feet under you, or your family, possibly both, take advantage of what you have and what you can get access to.
> 
> Start creating goals for your life and find ways and help of achieving those goals. For instance, go back to school while working a part time job.
> 
> ...


I really don't have the support of my family and I have one friend who understands. But that's it. Everybody wants me to try and work it out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

AFallenAngel said:


> I really don't have the support of my family and I have one friend who understands. But that's it. Everybody wants me to try and work it out.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Including your therapist?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

AFallenAngel said:


> I feel like I've been alone the past two years. After he got weird sexually and tried involving me in his perversions, it was pretty much over. But I just can't stop crying tonight and I feel like I'm going in the wrong direction.
> 
> I have three very stressed out kids and so I don't have time to do things for me lately and I need to be looking for a job but I hope that will come.
> 
> ...


What you're feeling is completely normal for an abuse victim. Except now you're not a victim any more, right? 

Focus on lining up help. What state are you in?


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## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

Personal said:


> Although what I am writing is probably redundant through having already having been suggested I'll add it anyway.
> 
> I don't know what is available where you live. If the United States is similar to Australia there are a number of community and government organisations amongst others that you should consider contacting for help and support one does not always have to rely on their family for support when in crisis.


I'm using what I can. But I'm just so depressed that I'm sometimes afraid to talk because of what I might say
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## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

turnera said:


> What you're feeling is completely normal for an abuse victim. Except now you're not a victim any more, right?
> 
> Focus on lining up help. What state are you in?


I'm in WI. I just need to get through this. I'm sure it will be ok
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## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

NobodySpecial said:


> Including your therapist?


After my therapist told me I wasn't being fair to him, I decided to look for another. I can't take another person telling me that I need to support him when I've been falling apart the last two years
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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Exercise. It helps. It helps calm the mind and makes the body feel better. 

This really is a grieving process. You grieve over the "shoulda, woulda, coulda's". It's part of the process. It's a sad time because it's not how it was supposed to be. 

But YOU can turn that around. Find a positive affirmation page online. Some will send you a positive note every day. Find a mantra that lifts you up. Go to church if thats your thing. 

Look into Divorce Care. They are a divorce support group in cities all over the US. Sometimes they are in church halls, etc....(kind of like where AA meetings would be).... just do a search for them. I've heard some people sing their praises. 

Think of one thing you've wanted to do for awhile and do it. 

Think of things you couldn't or didn't do because he didn't like it or dismissed it.... and DO them. 

Get the kids involved. They can have some good silly ideas for fun times no matter how old they are. 

Find the positives. Make your life start to look and feel GOOD. You can do this.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

For Wisconsin, here's help with food, money, job training, etc.:
https://singlemotherguide.com/financial-help-for-single-mothers-in-wisconsin/

Find another therapist. Start going to a church. Join a mother's co-op so you have at least a couple hours a week on your own away from the kids. Exercise. Read positive affirmations. Get out and make friends.


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## AFallenAngel (Jun 10, 2015)

turnera said:


> For Wisconsin, here's help with food, money, job training, etc.:
> https://singlemotherguide.com/financial-help-for-single-mothers-in-wisconsin/
> 
> Find another therapist. Start going to a church. Join a mother's co-op so you have at least a couple hours a week on your own away from the kids. Exercise. Read positive affirmations. Get out and make friends.


Thank you. I never saw that organization. I have a church but tried keeping them out of it because I didn't want to make my husband feel weird if he went back but he won't so now I dont really care.
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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Churches are THE BEST place to go when you need help. It's what they're there for. My church is always helping out parishioners and even just people who live in our neighborhood. DO ask them for help. Go to the office and ask if there's someone you can talk to, or ask to talk to the pastor.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Is there a mall in your area with a food court? How about a Walmart? When I left my alcoholic husband, those where about the choices I had. Oh, yeah, I got an offer to be a full-time cashier at Le Tarjay for $9/hour. At least it was a job, and I am college educated.

You have been married long enough that he will have to pay child support and he will have to give you spousal support up to a maximum of half the length of the marriage. In other words, the court wants you to get a job.

I'm not sure why you are lonely after living with a man who abused you so much. I'd be relieved to have the stress and tension out of my life.

If you're lonely, this is a great opportunity for you to find a therapist who will help you develop your inner self. Whether you believe it or not, you DO have talents and abilities that will allow you got grow and become independent.

Right now you are buried alive under your codependency. This, too, shall pass. Consider what people have posted here. Just be still and re-read what has been posted. There are some real nuggets of wisdom to be had. 

I lived through this. Please try to calm down. You don't have to solve this situation right this second. More shall be revealed in time. It takes time. 

You didn't get in this mess overnight; you won't get out of it overnight either. Consider that. One day at a time.

I promise you, I am living proof that someone can come out of a horribly abusive, sick relationship and have a happy life. Am I rich? Nope. Do I have a great job? Nope. But I am really happy for every single day I live without a maniac dictating my moods, feelings, and reactions. Seriously.


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