# it's really over



## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

So my H stayed the weekend, only because he was sick and our friends moved so he had nowhere to go. He told me this morning he'd start looking for a room to rent. He just "doesn't feel the same about me anymore". I knew this was coming but guess deep down I just hoped that he'd decide to at least try. I am at work right now and can't stop crying. He has said and done some crappy things, but in my heart I just couldn't (and still can't) stop loving him. I know that in time I'll be ok, but right now it hurts sooo much, the rejection, the betrayal, the feeling like the last 10 years was nothing but a lie. Knowing that eventually I'm going to have to tell my 2 beautiful, wonderful kids that daddy is never coming home. My son is already starting to act out at school, and his attitude at home over the last week has gotten bad. He's only 4, and can't verbalize his feelings well, but I know that he is mad at his daddy. I hope and pray that I can navigate them through this with minimal damage. I have given up any hope that he will "come to his senses" and now have to contend with the messy business of picking up the pieces of my heart and my life. I hope this intense pain doesn't last too long. Thank you to everyone who has tried to help me on my other posts. I am glad I found this place.


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## danfig (Apr 7, 2010)

I feel for ya Canletgo. You don't want the kids to look at their dad in a bad light, although he does things to make himself look bad. Its easy to get caught up in wanting the kids to be on your side, but the thing to do is to think of the kids, and for them to have two parents that care and love them. 
Maybe the time apart from you will be what he needs to see that life without you isn't as great as he thinks. I believe that he may be seeing the grass is greener on the other side. He'll soon enough see that that isn't the case.


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## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

he was gone for 2 weeks, living in our pop up camper in a friend's yard. he had to come back this weekend because they had to move, so if living like that didn't make him want to come home, i don't know what will. anyway, he is home right now, trying to figure out how we can afford to split up, which we really can't. we can barely pay bills now, let alone come up w/ rent for a place for him. god this is just ridiculous. how do you just fall out of love? i have lots of reason not to like him or love him, but that doesn't change how i feel. he has very few reasons for his change in feelings.(not bragging or exaggerating, but he had it damn good). i just don't understand it. and yes danfig, he had an affair, so i guess he is thinking the grass is greener, but apparently it's not that serious since he doesn't just go live with her.


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## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

It's so weird, because he still hugs me, kisses me, we talk about everything just like we always have, and if you didn't know our problems, looking in from the outside, you'd never know. I am trying to not read into anything he says or does, it's just so damn hard to think that it's done, that once he moves out I will never kiss him, touch him, lay next to him, wake up with his arm around me, ever again. And he agonizes over the kids, says he'll never be completely happy without them, so why doesn't he want to even try to fix things? I'm not terrible person, we get along fine, even still go to lunch during work. He initiates all contact during the day, texting or calling. I just don't understand it.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Although it makes a difficult situation even more painful, you really shouldn't tolerate the 'business as usual' attitude. Once again, this is a common behavior. 
They reject you, but they want to be 'buddies'. Don't allow it. It is the equivalent of enabling.

Give him a hard date to be out of the house. If he is set on leaving, don't perpetuate contact or acts of affection. The colder you are, the more uncomfortable he becomes.

You may find it bizarre, but the more YOU push HIM away, the more likely it is that he will start thinking about what he's doing.

You are his 'fallback' position. Of course he wants to stay on your good side - and yes he may become hurt and angry if you take a hard line with him. But if he does, that is still because he cares what you think of him.


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## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

How do I do that under the same roof? How do I not let him hug me when every inch of my body aches for him? My heart still does flips when he smiles at me. I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to push him away.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Simple ... Acknowledge and visualize that his hands and mouth have been all over someone else - because that is the truth. You need to change the dynamic of how you interact. If you allow him to walk all over you - he will. You want to kill him with love and kindness to hang on, and that method simply won't work. Strength, independence and boundaries will carry you through this whether you reconcile or not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hurtin' unit (Apr 13, 2010)

I feel the same with my wife. I just want to hug her and never let go. But you can't do that, so you simply just don't. I gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek the last night I was there, first one since maybe Christmas, and that will most likely be the last one ever. You just have to be strong, not push him away but don't let him in either. And we certainly couldn't afford to split up and live separately, but we are doing it anyways. It is the only way, you can't sit there waiting, have to keep moving even if it might be the wrong direction, just keep moving. I will have a hard time tomorrow when I see my wife and son, daughter on a school trip, and will have a meltdown at some point. Likely when I am driving back to my new location, I will break down, haven't for 2 days now. But I will deal with that too. 

I truly think it is harder to wait on what somebody else may or may not do, than to make a decision and follow through on it. Sure I have self doubt about the decisions I have made, but at least I made them and then moved on. You need to do the same, and let the chips fall where they may. Be strong for you and your kids and start moving your lives forward. What he does is up to him, but you can't just wait, you and your kids are too important.


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## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

My heart keeps telling me not to give up, not to turn my back on him, no matter what he's done. He's not actively looking for another place to live, and hasn't mentioned it in over a week, so maybe he does want to stay, but can't quite verbalize the committment. We are still talking about our situation, in little bits, other wise we both get overwhelmed and it gets us nowhere. Right now I am just trying to go with the flow and do what I believe is the right thing. It's a roller coaster, but I'm willing to deal with it. As I told him lastnight, when we finally do come out the other side of this, he won't forget that I never faltered or gave up.


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

Oh Cantletgo I feel for you. I am going through the same crappy thing. But the bad news is that it has been 1 yr and 4 months since my H left. He hasn't even filed for divorce and always comes around to be with the kids. We act completely normal too and hug when he leaves everyday. I still cry a lot. I keep thinking when will he realize he made a mistake and he belongs here with his family who love him immensely. Maybe I am just a fool, but a fool in love at that. Good luck. The kids will be the hardest part. Because every time he leaves, you will have to be the one who holds them while they cry. That is really hard. I am sorry I am not giving you anything positive to look forward to. I just haven't found anything in my life yet to look forward to. Keep posting. Hang in there.


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## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

I'm so sorry Believe, it's an awful situation for anyone to be in. When my H was gone for those 2 weeks, my son cried every night asking when daddy was coming back. It ripped my heart out. Now he's here and if he does something after work my son flips out, thinking he's not coming back. I am going to have to put him in counseling I think, wether my H stays or not. He was very deeply traumatized. He told me the other day that he made a wish on the wishing star that daddy still loved me. OMG! He's 4, where did he get that? Not from me, I swear.


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

Kids will surprise us with the most insightful things. They are much more aware of things than people give them credit for. I just wish when the one parent leaves that they would understand that instead of thinking that the kids don't get it and they will be just fine. 
My son asked me last week if I remember when daddy use to live with us. Awwwww. He is 4 also and the sad thing is that one day he won't even remember that or remember mommy & daddy ever being together.


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## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

It is awful on our kids, and I hate him for that. I never wanted my kids to know the pain of their daddy leaving. Granted he is here now, but my son still isn't secure. [email protected]@es me off. And you know, tonight he went to "Bike Night" at a local bar, friends of ours are in a band and playing, so he wanted to go. This will be the 4th or 5th weeknight since he came home 2 weeks ago that he has gone out. When we were still happily married, it was 1 or 2x a month. I don't know if he would go back to that if we do reconcile, and I want a husband who wants to be home with his family more often than going out. Don't get me wrong, I like to go out on occasion too, but if we couldn't get a sitter I always let him go, so I got to go out about once every 2months. I don't think that even if we try to repair this marriage that he will be able to give me what I want. He's had his "taste of freedom" and probably won't want to go back. Of course, that's part of his problem, he wants to be a single guy again, no responsibility or any one to answer to. He likes being a dad when he can just pop in and play with them for a minute. But to actually do any of the work, dinner, homework, baths, bed time routine, he wants none of it. What is my problem? Why do I want this jerk when I can get so much better? I truly hope that in time all I can see is the negative, then I can let him go.


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