# Identity Loss



## OMA82 (Dec 23, 2009)

Hello 
so i've been married for about 3 years. I am unhapilly married for few reasons. i think my hubby is a great man and very caring, and i am planning on spending the rest of my life with him, or so i wish. the thing is that i feel like i've given up alot in this marriage, to the extend that soemtimes i act not myself to please him and his family, we are both from 2 different backgrounds, and of course me being the wife i had to change so much to look and sound more like where he's from. it frustrates me sometimes, it makes me feel like a different person, which depresses me and makes me act mean to him and depresses me even more. i wanted to move away from his family so we can probably start a new life based on US and who we are, but he is so attached to his parents that he won't leave their side, and he keeps making excuses with the bad economy and no jobs BS. thinking about what i want and who i wanna be makes it so tense in the house, we argue and fight most of the time and of course that leads you to love each other less and less everyday. i guess my question here is. should I just follow my hubby's steps as a good wife even thu thats not what i want. or just DO what i wanna do, move away, take the kids and let him follow?


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

Being a good wife is not about changing who you are as a person. He fell in love with YOU, not what you "could" be. Stand your ground and be yourself. You can still be loving and respectful and be who you really are. Any less would be a lie and I'm sure your husband doesn't want you to turn into a liar.


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## OMA82 (Dec 23, 2009)

I agree with you Happyher. but the thing is, there is this scared woman inside of me that keeps me from doing what i wanna do. i always have our families in mind, i'de hate for anybody to think less of me if i do make any changes. i mean, if i move, if i do what i wanna do, im afraid his family will think bad about me. and myfamily as well of course.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

HI, as a man I'd like to comment and I hope I don't seem to pretentious to do so.
You should NEVER EVER be or act like something your not. This is a time bomb for you and those around you. Sonner or later this will catch up.

Where to live and parents is are always difficult things. Relationship is about agreeing to work it out though.
1. Be who you are.

2. You can't be responsible for other peoples "perceptions" of what is taking place. (so for his family, let him worry about them if he needs to) for your family: Do they want you to be happy or do they want you to live the life they envision?

3. Be very direct wit your husband regarding your discomfort. If he loves you and supports you, awesome. If he does not, you don't need to be a "good wife". Put the shoe on the other foot. He could be a "good husband" and move away with you. It's not fair at all that you need to be the person compromised.


Don't pretend!!!!


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## OMA82 (Dec 23, 2009)

63 vino. its so great to hear a man's point of view. your response was very helpful.
PS: i really am not pretending to be someone else, i am just trying to fit into his world by talking,acting and well this is gonna sound wrong but sometimes think like them. and like you said it's a bomb tht sometimes explodes and make things even worse. but yes, its not fair that im the person who should always compromise. thank you


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

You have to be yourself. It took me almost 10 years to "be myself" with my ex...and yes we ended up divorced - BUT I'm sooooo much happier than I was being the person he (and some members of my family) thought I should be. Its a heavy burden to bear and it does a number on your self esteem throughout the process. You never feel "good enough" because you can't quit reach that point where it doesn't seem like your not "pretending".


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