# I need advice after my multi dating disaster



## LonnieHere

Hello everyone. I posted my problem with my boyfriend on the other section on relationships. It kind of got out of control and ballooned out to too many responses and i got overwhelmed.

I got a private message from a member and she suggested that that i post here and start fresh and to ask experienced ladies for advice.

Basically, my boyfriend and i have been together for over a year. He is an absolutely wonderful man and i can definitely see us together forever. So in sort of short, at the beginning, i was 'multi dating' as people here have called it. So during the first little while with my now boyfriend i saw another guy and was intimate with him. That ended and i've been with my guy since then and we've been great together.

So my boyfriend found out about the other guy and freaked. Turns out he knows him professionally and hates him. So he says I cheated on him and with a loser at that so what does that say about me etc.

I told him that it meant nothing and that i am absolutely not like that any more. He didn't really accept that. He's also major pissed off because while he an i waited a while before we got intimate, he figured out that i didn't really wait with the other guy.

So the member who private wrote me suggested i ask for advice here from ladies who can give me advice on how to move forward. My boyfriend really is the MOST special to me and i want him to believe that. That member also advised me not to have sex with him until it's all better which i don't really get. Anyway, we are sort of on a short break now but i did see him yeasterday.

Your advice is really appreciated Thanks


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## Aspydad

Can you give more detail on the timing? Who were you dating first? How long were you dating each at the same time? I see you had sex with your boyfriends enemy (i guess they are that?) - did you know at the time that they knew each other?

To me the timing does make a difference. If you had just started dating your current boyfriend and say a couple of months down the road - after not having sex with him - you hook up with this other guy (even though there was no spoken commitment) I would call it cheating. If you had only known your current boyfriend maybe a couple of weeks, and then went out with this other guy and hooked up with him, then not bad in my opinion.

Now, if you had sex with this other guy like immediately and you made your boyfriend wait a long period - I guess if I were him I would want to know why. If I were you the reason better be that you did not want to take a chance of him thinking you would just sleep with anyone and did not want to take a chance on losing him as he seemed to be special - the other guy was not special should be the message. If the message is you just could not resist the other guy because he just turned you on - I would have serious issues with that if you were my girlfriend.

That's my thought about this.

FYI, I was causually dating someone else when I first started going out with my wife to be and she also was dating someone. We actually had our first date one weekend but both had prior commitments for the next weekend - we ended up at the same place with our dates that next weekend - I could not stop staring at her the entire time and the girl I was with got pissed. I never asked my wife a thing about what she did with the other guy and actually could care less. Once I got to know her better over the first month, we just started dating just each other every weekend – we did make a verbal commitment about month two – I actually am the one who told her I do not like to share – so if we are to keep seeing each other it has to be exclusive – when in actuality – I had only had just developed this philosophy with her.


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## FrenchFry

Okay. So I was following your thread in General Relationships, and you started this one to get the perspective of mostly women?




> I told him that it meant nothing and that i am absolutely not like that any more. He didn't really accept that.


While this feels like the right answer, it doesn't really work because--you are like that. 

I was a multi-dater too, I found it was a strategy that worked for me. I had some rules that made it easier to navigate some of the messier aspects but you are past that part.

I don't feel like that is the right answer because you aren't really owning how you are. It's absolutely cool if you like to multi-date, but you need to realize not everyone is into it and will have strong feelings about it.

"I did date you guys at the same time. I didn't realize that this would be an issue and I'm sorry about not giving you the opportunity to decide on the path of our relationship."

"I did not feel like it was cheating at the time because I did not ask for exclusivity and made the mistake of thinking you operated the same way." 

I don't think you need to be whacked over the head for sleeping with the other guy but at the same time, his feelings are his feelings. You can explain where you were coming from honestly (and really, try to be as honest as possible) but ultimately he also has rights to his feelings as well. 

I don't think there are magic words to make him happy and secure with you. If you stay together, the best way to show that it was a blip is practicing that openness and ownership of your behavior.

Don't cage him in, give him space and if it ends up that this wasn't meant to be, I'm happy to give out multidating tips.


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## browneyes74

I'm not a multidater.. But I like FrenchFry's take on it.. 

I think, as a non multidater, I would feel the same way as your boyfriend, although I'm a woman.. I would be extremely put off by it and hurt.. 

That explanation, while it MAY not make it completely palatable, would at least explain that a. he saw it completely different and b. is very sorry that he hurt me even though he didn't view it as necessarily wrong.. 

Sometimes, I think that's all you can ask from a person.. That even though they don't agree, they are sorry they hurt you..


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## frusdil

In theory, women are encouraged to multi-date (not multi-sleep, to be clear) to stop them getting too hung up on one guy in the early stages of dating. That's where it comes from.

In THEORY, provided you absolutely were NOT in an exclusive relationship with your bf at the time, and you are confident that both of you knew that, you've done nothing wrong.

However, if I found out that my husband was dating other women at the same time as seeing me, and slept with one I would be very hurt. The thought of him wining and dining me one night and sleeping with someone else the next is very off-putting.


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## Caribbean Man

LonnieHere said:


> So my boyfriend found out about the other guy and freaked. *Turns out he knows him professionally and hates him. *So he says I cheated on him and with a loser at that so what does that say about me etc.


I was on your other thread responding to some other posters, but i didn't respond directly to you.

So let me explain what's going on in his head, because you seem genuinely confused .

I think everything can be condensed into two problems, a minor one and a major one.

The minor one is that you had sex with another man whilst you kept your boyfriend on hold , albeit, during the early stages of the relationship. If I were him , I would feel a bit jilted , but I would probably rationalize that you were either drunk or horny and sh!t happened. Based on the relationship we had , I could cope with that and we would move forward.

The major problem , IMO is what has your boyfriend angry.
That is ,WHO you had that wild " meaningless " sex with while you had him " on hold."
His sworn enemy / arch rival.

It's like a girl growing up with an older , prettier sister who always got all the attention from the boys. She has a crush on this new guy in the neighborhood who notices her, and then " bam" older sister appears and takes the guy.

That's how your boyfriend feels, like a looser to his nemesis.

Most likely he considers this a gross disrespect not so much on your part , but his enemy's part. But he probably cannot get at him , and unfortunately, whenever he thinks of having sex with you or getting intimate with you , he will see his enemy's face in the back of his mind , jeering at him;

" _Ha ha! I beat you to it again , looser.._"

Not to mention anytime he runs into him.

That part of your problem is the " _catch 22_" situation for you. 
There is really nothing you can do.
My advice to you is to give it some time, and stop pressuring him trying to explain , because there is no explanation you can give that would make his feeling of being " robbed "go away.

But sometimes time can heal even the deepest wounds.

In this case, it might be better to separate for a while , so that he can sort his feelings out , and you can sort your feelings out.
If he comes back to you , then all is well.
If he doesn't come back , then you will have to move on with your life as well as him.

You might want to reconsider your " multidating " approach to serious relationships in the future.


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## manticore

I realize that you asked for women's opinion, so I no gonna give you a large speech here (besides I already gave you an advice of how I think your relationship may survive to this event) but wanted to point out something before you take actions regarding the advice from the user who PMed you



LonnieHere said:


> That member also advised me not to have sex with him until it's all better which i don't really get.


I am not sure this is a good idea, the whole problem began precisely because you withheld sex from him and made him wait as if he would receive a prize for doing something right, and you freely gave it to other guy in the second date. Probably withholding sex at this point will just make him think that this is your way of controlling and manipulating him (and specially him):

- you withheld sex for 2 months for him until you considered he deserved it (when the relationship was "solid")
- you withhold now that he is doing something you don't agree with.

he could come to think something like "so for me she always deny sex unless I do what she wants but for him she did it without restrictions or requisitions"

I think you must do exactly the opposite, show him why is great to be with you and try to remind him of all the bonds you share (and that of course includes intimacy), the moment he realizes that he can go on without you, is the moment he is out of your life.


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## LongWalk

Hi Lonnie,

It was smart to start again somewhere new. People here, including the male posters, will pay more attention to your needs. 

Were you living together before your boyfriend found out about this?

I think that the person who PM'd you and advised you to be careful about sex meant that you need to distinguish between sex that is part of rebuilding your relationship and sex that is not.

If your boyfriend wants to have sex, it may even feel awkward for moment as you both feel self conscious, but that will fade if you find each other emotionally.

Whatever you do don't write long emails, explaining stuff. 

Men can be very simple at times. He may be missing you. The trick is to reach out at the right moment so that seeing you does not hurt is pride. If you have meal together and hop back in bed everything may get better quickly.

Are you friends on FB? Are you looking at his wall a lot?

FrenchFry,

How and when should OP approach her estranged bF?

p.s. Your original thread exploded because it was a trigger for many, but also, you come across as earnest. Men like women like that. You need to keep that part of you strong. You BF wants it but wonders if it is real.


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## Caribbean Man

LongWalk said:


> Hi Lonnie,
> 
> It was smart to start again somewhere new. People here, including the male posters, will pay more attention to your needs.
> 
> Where you living together before your boyfriend found out about this?
> 
> I think that the person who PM'd you and advised you to be careful about sex meant that you need to distinguish between sex that is part of rebuilding your relationship and sex that is not.
> 
> If your boyfriend wants to have sex, it may even feel awkward for moment as you both feel self conscious, but that will fade if you find each other emotionally.
> 
> *Whatever you do don't write long emails, explaining stuff. *
> 
> *Men can be very simple at times. He may be missing you. The trick is to reach out at the right moment so that seeing you does not hurt is pride*. If you have meal together and hop back in bed everything may get better quickly.
> 
> Are you friends on FB? Are you looking at his wall a lot?
> 
> FrenchFry,
> 
> How and when should OP approach her estranged bF?
> 
> p.s. Your original thread exploded because it was a trigger for many, but also, you come across as earnest. Men like women like that. You need to keep that part of you strong. You BF wants it but wonders if it is real.



I agree with everything in this post.
Basically you said what I was trying to say in my post!
Lol.

I do think that the relationship can recover and come back stronger than before , but she needs to let go of certain things .

Her present approach is triggering certain negative things in him. She needs to show massive empathy , and try not to come across as either nonchalant or desperate.


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## samyeagar

I know in the other thread it became a question of multi dating, and is a certain respect I suppose it was, but I think the issue with the BF is not so much multi dating as it was having sex almost immediately with the other guy while dating the BF, and making the BF wait. Then trying to simultaneously claim that having sex multiple times with the other guy meant nothing, yet making the boyfriend wait because sex was so special to her.

I have a feeling the BF would not have had an issue, or nearly as big of an issue if she had just gone out for coffee a couple of times with the other guy instead of sleeping with with him a few times. Also, we never got an answer to HOW the BF found out.


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## Jellybeans

LonnieHere said:


> So in sort of short, at the beginning, i was 'multi dating' as people here have called it.


Did your boyfriend know that you were multi-dating? Did you tell him? Or did he think he was the only man you were seeing?



LonnieHere said:


> So during the first little while with my now boyfriend i saw another guy and was intimate with him.


How long is "the first little while?"



LonnieHere said:


> *So my boyfriend found out about the other guy and freaked.*


*HOW did your boyfriend found out you had sex with this other guy?* I asked this several times in your other thread and you never responded. I ask because HOW is sometimes a big indicator of how people deal with things.

At this point, if he wants a break, all you can do is concede. 

The who and how long and if he knew you were seeing other people/sleeping with other men is going to impact this situation a lot. 

Please give us more to work with here.


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## samyeagar

Just a quick point CM, this wasn't a drunken one night thing. She did the guy, then kept going back. It was totallya conscious decision, and yes, it was a decision. I'm not passing judgement on it, as there is nothing inherantly wrong with what she did, but... Every decision we make has consequences. Some immediate, so take a long time to unfold. Some consequences are what we want, others what we don't want. When it comes to relationships, and more importantly sex, every decision we make changes the available dating, sexual, and relationship pool in the short term, and yes, even the long term. Good or bad is only in the eyes of the persons whose action led to the consequences. Contrary to what we are told...no we can't have it all when and how we want it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk

Samyeagar and everyone else,

The point is not to debate what she did wrong. She has a whole thread dissecting her.

Now she needs practical advice on how to get her boyfriend back.

Please stick to that subject.


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## samyeagar

LongWalk said:


> Samyeagar and everyone else,
> 
> The point is not to debate what she did wrong. She has a whole thread dissecting her.
> 
> Now she needs practical advice on how to get her boyfriend back.
> 
> Please stick to that subject.


That's the thing. There is nothing she can DO to get him back. The ball is totally in his court and is a direct result of her decisions. What she did was contrary to what his boundaries are.

I have seen nothing from the OP to indicate that she "gets it". Yes, she has said the words, but her other language seems to be minimizing, and for her, what she did, she didn't feel was wrong, and only AFTER she realized what it has cost her did she think to rethink it.

There are no words that can MAKE her BF have an 'Oh Hark' moment as her words have been contrary to her actions in HIS mind, and right now, she needs to really understand what is going on in HIS mind before she can have any hope of fixing this with him.


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## Plan 9 from OS

Sorry, not a girl either. I posted in the other thread but didn't follow the tangent that it took.

My post wasn't detailed but simply advised that you will probably lose the guy and to learn from the experience for the next time.

Regarding advice on how to get the guy back, I don't think there is any one thing that will help you there. It's out of your hands right now. The only thing you can do is to make him feel special and that despite the fact that your BF had to wait - he is the best BF you ever had. 

What was never made clear in the earlier thread was whether you were trying to be someone you are not. If you were an adventurous woman in the past, did you tone yourself down to come across as a "good girl" to the BF? If so, then your BF may think that you were intentionally snowing him. If I were you, I'd try to let him in to see the real you. Whether that gets your BF back or not, who can say. But it will give the relationship the best chance to survive and thrive if both of you are truthful to each other up front.


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## Jellybeans

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Sorry, not a girl either.


Lol. There are lots of "Not a girls" in this thread.


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## Lordhavok

And what she did and how she done it has everything to do with trying to get him back. This thread will most probably turn into another version of the other one.


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## Plan 9 from OS

samyeagar said:


> That's the thing. There is nothing she can DO to get him back. The ball is totally in his court and is a direct result of her decisions. *What she did was contrary to what his boundaries are.*
> 
> I have seen nothing from the OP to indicate that she "gets it". Yes, she has said the words, but her other language seems to be minimizing, and for her, *what she did, she didn't feel was wrong, and only AFTER she realized what it has cost her did she think to rethink it.*
> 
> There are no words that can MAKE her BF have an 'Oh Hark' moment as her words have been contrary to her actions in HIS mind, and right now, she needs to really understand what is going on in HIS mind before she can have any hope of fixing this with him.


IMHO, the two of them should focus on the parts in bold alone. He came from one point of view and he from another. There is no right or wrong here. It boils down to these facts: 1) She think she found a man that she wants to marry, 2) Her dating style did not mesh with his and because of that, he is strongly considering dumping her because he does not want to be with a woman who chose to give up sex right away to one guy while he had to wait. 

There was nothing wrong with making the BF wait while she chose to have sex with another guy shortly after meeting him. That's her choice. Now, the BF has a choice to either accept that Lonnie did this and that she's still worth being with or to not compromise his values and dump her. I'm not saying his values are better than hers - they're just different.


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## samyeagar

Jellybeans said:


> Lol. There are lots of "Not a girls" in this thread.


That's another thing. Given the situation, while it is nice to rally the sisters, she really needs the insight from men because their working this out depends completely on HIM and HIS mindset.


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## MicroStorm

Like it or not, he'll never think of you the same way, and perhaps rightfully so. It doesn't matter if he's the "MOST special" to you or not. He might say he's over it and may never mention this subject to you again, but the fairytale you had with him is now over. What comes out of this mess is another story, but most likely your relationship is done for.

If you did this to me, I may or may not stay with you. But if I stayed I'd also never think of you the same way; I'd separate myself emotionally and subtlely use it as leverage against you. That's just me, though.

That said, since you are on "sort of on a short break now", do you plan on sleeping with other people? Just curious...


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## Sandfly

"So during *the first little while* with my now boyfriend i *saw *another guy and *was intimate* with him."

"he *figured out* that i didn't *really *wait with the other guy."

"we are *sort of *on a *short *break now"

Vague and euphemistic.

Is this how it would go in plain English? 

"During the first three months while I was with my current boyfriend, I was having sex with another man. He rightly suspects that I threw myself at the other guy.
Now he's making excuses and avoiding me."

It sounds like you're trying to see how much you can get away with admitting to. 

I don't think his suspicions about you are going to go away if your priority is measure his gullibility rather than start afresh.

_I _wouldn't trust you ... !


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## Jellybeans

Sandfly said:


> Vague and euphemistic.


:iagree:


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## samyeagar

The other thread was very vague as well, and I think that plays a large part in why it went all over the place, but also, trying to get the OP to really understand what is going on here. She seems to just want someone to say do X, Y and Z, and everything will be all better. It is not that simple.

We still don't know how the BF found out, and that is a HUGE piece of information to figure out what direction this needs to go. If she was the one who sat him down and told him of her own accord, and wasn't forced into it by circumstances, this has a lot better chance of success. If he found out from another source, or the other guy, or worse yet, the other guy gloating about it...


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## samyeagar

She also keeps repeating that it meant nothing with the other guy, and I honestly believe her, that it didn't mean anything, but it might actually be more believable if she was sleeping with three or four other guys at the same time as well...


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## Jellybeans

samyeagar said:


> The other thread was very vague as well
> 
> We still don't know how the BF found out, and that is a HUGE piece of information


Is what I've been saying the ENTIRE time.

:iagree:


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## Sandfly

The OP delayed having sex with this fellow, giving him the false impression that she wasn't easy to bed, and consequently was of high value and potential wife material.

Men don't mind waiting a month or two, if they are looking for a trustworthy long-term companion.

Now he finds out that she made him wait out of a warped sense of 'it would be wrong to cheat _on my other boyfriend_'.

- "He is an absolutely wonderful man and i can definitely see us together forever."

A wonderful 'provider' no doubt. 

I'd say he dodged a bullet by finding out sooner rather than later.

'Multi-dating' lol. When I used to do this, I called it 'playing the field', and I knew it was naughty... but I see some here think this is actually a _good _thing. Wonders upon wonders.


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## Jellybeans

Sandfly said:


> Men don't mind waiting *a month or two*, if they are looking for a trustworthy long-term companion.


How many dates is that? The dater in me would like to know.



Sandfly said:


> 'Multi-dating' lol. When I used to do this, I called it 'playing the field', and I knew it was naughty... but I see some here think this is actually a _good _thing. Wonders upon wonders.


OP didn't even refer to it as "multi-dating" until someone dropped the word in her original thread and now it is the thread title here. If the boyfriend knew she was dating around and sleeping with others at the time, then he is totally overreacting.

But due to the fact she said he "just" found out in the other thread, methinks this is all new info to him.

The psychic in me says boyfriend thought he was the only guy she was seeing; she didn't tell him about other dude; then somehow (the big bad mystery???!!!) he found out about it. I am thinking he didn't find out from Lonnie. 

It'd be nice if OP came back to clarify.


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## Cosmos

I used to multi-date when I was younger, but before any level of intimacy was established, I stopped multi-dating.

If you slept with this guy whilst dating your BF, I can understand him being unimpressed... Frankly, I would call it a day with the BF, because he's unlikely to forgive and forget, IMO. Then I would look closely at what I'm looking for in life and work out some new dating rules for myself...


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## tulsy

Plan 9 from OS said:


> ...
> There was nothing wrong with making the BF wait while she chose to have sex with another guy shortly after meeting him. ...


Honestly? I sorta think there is. I really do.

I think the boyfriend does too...I think a lot of people do. That's why the guy is having a hard time taking her word for it that she "not that type of girl"....French Fry is right, she IS that kind of girl. She's just not that kind of girl with him...she hid that from him...he probably feels like he doesn't really know who she is.

Also, withholding sex now, that prize she kept from him but gave to someone else, is just manipulation...using sex as a tool to try and get what she wants.

I think the ball is in his court. If he can get past it, they may be able to work it out. I wouldn't stick around, but that's just me.

If I had to give advice I would say give him space and time...leave him alone to decide.

From now on, how about sticking to truth and honesty...what you did was sneaky, and you likely knew that HE wasn't the kind of guy who fawks around, just as much as you knew the other man WAS the kind of guy who messes around. That's why you want to be with the good guy now...he's got character. He's not the type of guy who would do what you did.

OP, people have been asking you over and over how your boyfriend found out...are you ever going to divulge that tid-bit of info?


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## Sandfly

It's a common thing for the guilty to get lost in trivialities and technicalities to justify their shoddy morals.

I can admit I was a user.

Were you ever a user?

In any event, she can't be trusted, and she's blown it with her 'good provider' over a bit of fun with some rough stuff.

My eyes are fully dry over this story.


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## owl6118

In the spirit of trying to offer practical advice (yes, from a male perspective):

I suspect I am a lot like your boyfriend. So perhaps I can help you zero in on where the worst of his pain is coming from, so you can try to heal some of it, or at least start.

There are a lot of guys like me who just are not players, not charismatic fast movers. Oh, trust me, we are plenty sexual, our libidos are fine, it's just that for whatever reason, for us the road to sex starts with making an emotional connection first, something that takes time.

The sad truth is, guys like us live in resentment of our brothers, the players. And we hate the idea that a quality girl (translation: a girl we are starting to like) will be slow to warm to us, but hop to it for a charismatic a-hole. We experience it as a repudiation of our style of sexuality--really, of our very manhood. It stings like no get out.

So--you have a big, big, problem on your hands. Your guy is really hurt--hurt at the core. Is self confidence has taken a knee to the groin.

I can't give you a total road map for fixing it, but I can direct you away from some danger spots, and toward some better approaches.

First, I'm sorry to say this, but the "it meant nothing" line was a misstep, and a pretty bad one. I know what you mean from your point of view, but what you mean is NOT what he hears. To him, your choice to sleep with the other guy instead of having your heart already starting to toward him and also your libido already intrigued by him AT THAT TIME is a devastating rejection. So when you say "it meant nothing," you are totally invalidating his feelings, his truth. What he hears is: "It DID mean something--it means you are hot for guys like him and not for guys like me." Or, "If it meant nothing, it also means I mean less then nothing." Right now he simply feels he was self-evidently less attractive to you, and you were less hot for him, than for a guy who meant nothing. That the best he had to offer you--connection, love, a full engagement of which sex would be a part--was simply not attractive to you compared to a hot hookup with a hot bad boy. 

I'm NOT trying to beat you up, but you NEED to know what he is thinking and hearing if you are to help him and reconnect with him. 

So, never again say it meant nothing. Never, ever, ever. It is just pure hurt for him

On the positive side, you have said a very good thing to him: "I have changed, you have changed me, and I don't feel the same way now." 

This is your lifeline, but you need to really dig in. 

First, do you, in your heart of hearts, really believe this? 

What I mean is, in your heart, does what he can offer-- connection, love, a full engagement of which sex is a part-- really turn your crank now? Is the sex with him now as good as sex with the bad boys? If it is better, How, and Why? Or is the sexual connection wishy-washy and the other nice things he is just kinda make up for that? 

Does what he brings to you-- his love, his respect, his desire to really connect with you -- make you feel special? So that your heart turns only to him? Or -- does it actually make you feel a little... trapped? settled? Somewhere deep in your honest heart-- a little bored?

And how do your REALLY feel about bf's reaction? Does he seem--in your heart of hearts--needy? A little weak? Because it is not really very attractive that he is insecure enough to be wildly jealous of a more charismatic man? 

If you feel any of this--own it. Be honest. Measure it carefully. Because if you don't respect and desire this guy all the way in your heart, again, let him go now. He is not really what you truly need and deserve, and you are not really what he needs and deserves.

Think about it. Really, really think. 

But if you can answer yes to these questions -- if you can say with honesty to yourself that he really does excite you now, and makes you feel sexy and hot and fulfilled AS WELL AS cherished and safe, then THAT is what you need to say to him, to explain to him. And you need to sell him, with all you've got, on just how that change came to be. In detail. 

HOW did your heart change? WHEN did it change? WHAT changed it? How do you KNOW your feelings for him now aren't softer, weaker, less hot, that your feelings for charismatic player guys?

Because he now knows--accurately I suspect--what really USED to turn your crank. And he knows what USED to turn your crank is not what he is. If your feelings have REALLY changed, you should be able to explain how and why. 

Really understand this: Him believing you really are different now, and that you are now a different person whose libido as well as her heart turns toward him first - is the only thing that can heal the hurt to his self-confidence. Because although he is gentle, and respectful, gets to sex through connection not raw charisma, his is STILL a man, he has his pride, and he wants to be valued as the object of your sexual desire, not just your buddy and your emotional crutch.

You need to persuade him he is not, and never will be again, your MEH guy. 

Third thing--if your heart really has changed, I hope you feel a little sad for your old self--the one who would settle for hot sex rather than complete connection. Because that is what he thinks you did. Do you think that too? Because this is the thing that will make your change believable to him--REMORSE. Not remorse that you made a mistake, or did something you wish he hadn't found out? but real sadness and remorse for the lesser woman your old self was--a woman who valued the wrong things in a partner. Do you feel remorse for your old self? Ashamed of her, a little? If you do, and can show him that, you have a good shot. If you really don't--well, that does not bode well for your ability to persuade him you are really right for him when the chips are down.

It's not going to be easy. But if your heart is really turned to him and he is the lover you really dream of, the one who can keep you happy in bed as well as out of it, so that you feel a little sad for your old self who was happy with less, give it your best shot.


----------



## PBear

Great post by owl. Couldn't have said it better myself. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tulsy

owl6118 said:


> ...
> You need to persuade him he is not, and never will be again, your MEH guy.
> ...


I don't think she should be trying to persuade him, and I don't think she can. I don't think he's going to believe that approach, and I don't think he wants it right now. If was him, I would want her to back off for a while...let me think long and hard on my own. In fact, that IS what he's asked for. Any interference from her would hurt her chances. 

I think...I bet... that if he found out about this when it happened, he'd have said "see ya!", and bolted. I think that's where he is right now. He's struggling with having spent all this time with her, and only learning now (HOW, SHE STILL WON'T SAY HOW HE FOUND OUT, WHICH LEADS ME TO IMAGINE IT WAS A HORRIBLE WAY TO DISCOVER THE TRUTH) what happened while she was pretending to wear that chastity belt for him...she was unlocking it for a douche-bag. He feels duped! He was.

She should give him time to decide on his own...she doesn't need to try and convince him she's something different now...he doesn't believe it. He'd always feel like her plan B, and he has stated to her he doesn't believe her when she tells him otherwise. 

Please, own what you did and give the guy some room. When he asks you, just be truthful and honest. Stop saying that it meant nothing, because it means a lot to him...he didn't want to be with someone like you, he thought you were special and worth waiting for. He had no idea that he was the only one waiting in vain.

Given enough time, the guy will decide if he can try to move past it. He'll let you know.


----------



## vellocet

LongWalk said:


> Samyeagar and everyone else,
> 
> The point is not to debate what she did wrong. She has a whole thread dissecting her.
> 
> Now she needs practical advice on how to get her boyfriend back.
> 
> Please stick to that subject.


As someone who has dumped a couple of multi daters, I can only say what MIGHT have worked with me if they wanted me to stay.

And that is, no bullsh*t. Lonnie, don't tell him you didn't have a committed relationship and you did nothing wrong. Just simply say, you F'd up and he is the one you want and you'll do anything to keep him.

Now the sex part, this one is tricky. If he is like me, then he is going to think to himself that he respected you enough to wait, and since you boned the other guy so quickly and more than once, then he just may be seeing himself as the "good guy" that you might just settle for while you had your fun with the bad boy.

If sex had not occurred, then I'd say it might be different. But right now he is feeling like 2nd fiddle since you had sex with the bad boy. So best to steer clear of that conversation unless he asks. Then I don't know what to tell you. Not much you are going to say is going to probably convince him that you wanted "to do it right" with him.


----------



## happi_g_more2

Im sorry, but you guys all suck. She posted once and the room got way to loud so she bailed. She came to the ladies lounge to try and talk to the girls ...... you guys are doing it again. 

Everyone keeps trying to give her "low down" on her BFs state of mind. I think she got the point. What she is looking for is a female who has experience with this that might be able to give her some advice on how to navigate her BF.

Why dont you step back and just read instead of posting (unless you are a girl that has been through this).


----------



## LongWalk

Lonnie, 

Just read Owl's post. It was good.

If you have a chance to discuss things with your boyfriend, you can say that sex with OM did mean something. It is clued you in to your lack of fundamental attraction to him. That is why you ended it.

You realized that BF was the one. And once you had sex, it felt right in every way.

Don't give up on your thread here. I am friends Sandfly and the others, they will help you, too.


----------



## Sandfly

I've not really been very helpful, LW.

I'd have flipped my lid if I found out I had been duped like that.

Owl6618 gets my vote on 'how to move forward'.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS

tulsy said:


> Honestly? I sorta think there is. I really do.
> 
> I think the boyfriend does too...I think a lot of people do. That's why the guy is having a hard time taking her word for it that she "not that type of girl"....French Fry is right, she IS that kind of girl. She's just not that kind of girl with him...she hid that from him...he probably feels like he doesn't really know who she is.
> 
> Also, withholding sex now, that prize she kept from him but gave to someone else, is just manipulation...using sex as a tool to try and get what she wants.
> 
> I think the ball is in his court. If he can get past it, they may be able to work it out. I wouldn't stick around, but that's just me.
> 
> If I had to give advice I would say give him space and time...leave him alone to decide.
> 
> From now on, how about sticking to truth and honesty...what you did was sneaky, and you likely knew that HE wasn't the kind of guy who fawks around, just as much as you knew the other man WAS the kind of guy who messes around. That's why you want to be with the good guy now...he's got character. He's not the type of guy who would do what you did.
> 
> OP, people have been asking you over and over how your boyfriend found out...are you ever going to divulge that tid-bit of info?


Too little info to make all these assumptions. I'll give her the benefit of the doubt. If I was the BF, I would have talked about "our next steps" if we were dated 3 times, but that's just me. Evidently, the BF made assumptions.


----------



## WorkingOnMe

happi_g_more2 said:


> Im sorry, but you guys all suck. She posted once and the room got way to loud so she bailed. She came to the ladies lounge to try and talk to the girls ...... you guys are doing it again.
> 
> Everyone keeps trying to give her "low down" on her BFs state of mind. I think she got the point. What she is looking for is a female who has experience with this that might be able to give her some advice on how to navigate her BF.
> 
> Why dont you step back and just read instead of posting (unless you are a girl that has been through this).


I completely agree with this. She already has another thread, but people don't feel like they're getting enough attention so they follow her to a new thread and gang up on her here. I agree with what those people are saying, but I disagree with them coming on this thread to say it.


----------



## happi_g_more2

WorkingOnMe said:


> I completely agree with this. She already has another thread, but people don't feel like they're getting enough attention so they follow her to a new thread and gang up on her here. I agree with what those people are saying, but I disagree with them coming on this thread to say it.


but they MUST be heard!!!!!!


----------



## Plan 9 from OS

happi_g_more2 said:


> but they MUST be heard!!!!!!


I'm guessing a number of posters are projecting their issues onto Lonnie. Kinda beta behavior if you ask me. Fortunately, I don't put much stock in Greek labels...


----------



## jaharthur

happi_g_more2 said:


> Im sorry, but you guys all suck. She posted once and the room got way to loud so she bailed. She came to the ladies lounge to try and talk to the girls ...... you guys are doing it again.
> 
> Everyone keeps trying to give her "low down" on her BFs state of mind. I think she got the point. What she is looking for is a female who has experience with this that might be able to give her some advice on how to navigate her BF.
> 
> Why dont you step back and just read instead of posting (unless you are a girl that has been through this).


Agree. But where are the ladies?


----------



## FrenchFry

probably waiting for OP to show up.


----------



## happi_g_more2

Like most of you, as a guy, I want to see how this turns out. But lets not scare her away with 10,000 pages of meaningless banter.


----------



## Faithful Wife

Lonnie....I was a multi-dater when I was between relationships and I hear ya and understand what happened. But I'm wondering how old you are? Are you in your 20's or 30's? Also, have you ever been married before, and is marriage what you are looking for right now?

The thing is, if your bf can't get over this, then he just can't....and that will have to be ok with you. He gets to decide if he can handle it or not and if he can't, please do not try to change his mind. Just let him go.

When something like this happens it is quite a test. You don't know how you might feel if the situation were reversed. Or even, what if he had dated a stripper or porn star OR someone that you personally wouldn't want to be getting the seconds from? I'm using stripper or porn star as examples because I have dated guys who have dated both...and it really didn't matter to me, I didn't think anything of it, but a friend of mine who is the jealous type anyway told me she'd never be able to get over thinking he was wishing he was with a porn star and not her. Before she said that I hadn't even considered this. Anyway the point is, if he did something in his past that you just couldn't handle, you would have to walk away, right?

If that is his choice for himself, then it will have to just be ok. You couldn't have foreseen this happening. You didn't do anything wrong. But at the same time, I'm wondering if his reaction means you actually dodged a bullet.

I have made a lot of assumptions here without a lot of info so, if I am way off base, I apologize.


----------



## xakulax

tulsy said:


> I don't think she should be trying to persuade him, and I don't think she can. I don't think he's going to believe that approach, and I don't think he wants it right now. If was him, I would want her to back off for a while...let me think long and hard on my own. In fact, that IS what he's asked for. Any interference from her would hurt her chances.
> 
> I think...I bet... that if he found out about this when it happened, he'd have said "see ya!", and bolted. I think that's where he is right now. He's struggling with having spent all this time with her, and only learning now *(HOW, SHE STILL WON'T SAY HOW HE FOUND OUT, WHICH LEADS ME TO IMAGINE IT WAS A HORRIBLE WAY TO DISCOVER THE TRUTH*) what happened while she was pretending to wear that chastity belt for him...she was unlocking it for a douche-bag. He feels duped! He was.
> 
> She should give him time to decide on his own...she doesn't need to try and convince him she's something different now...he doesn't believe it. He'd always feel like her plan B, and he has stated to her he doesn't believe her when she tells him otherwise.
> 
> Please, own what you did and give the guy some room. When he asks you, just be truthful and honest. Stop saying that it meant nothing, because it means a lot to him...he didn't want to be with someone like you, he thought you were special and worth waiting for. He had no idea that he was the only one waiting in vain.
> 
> Given enough time, the guy will decide if he can try to move past it. He'll let you know.



:iagree::iagree:

That's something that's been bothering me sens her first post how did all this come out


----------



## LongWalk

Lonnie,

If he wants to know about your past, I think you should tell him that if loves you, you can tell him more about your life as you want to feel close to him. If he is just looking for negative information, you are not interested in the discussion.

Look him in the eye when saying this.

Tell him that you have been with other guys and he is the best because he he makes you feel emotionally secure and sexually satisfied.

To all,

What is radical honesty? To what degree should we share information about past partners? I think women sometimes want to talk about their past because it is part of themselves, especially when there are unresolved feelings. Men just bury the shxt, even if they actually need to figure it out.


----------



## NextTimeAround

As a woman who also the got the short end of the stick while being multi dated, I would say that the better advice in your case, OP, would come from the men.

I stayed with my guy because he begged me to stay; he cut all ties with his just a friend ex and he stepped up his care and consideration for me. Despite what it may sound like, I am not a money grubber, but it did hit me the first time he gave me cash to pay for a taxi -- after 18 months of faithful exclusive dating and then I thought, wow, this took 18 months for me and a only a couple of months for that just a friend ex. 

sorry guys, but my example is why someone do believe that if they are dating someone else, then the guy that they are really interested in are going to be more keen.

I can say though that when man goes all out for a woman ie pays for everything; does things to impress her friends; is concerned about her safety and so on..... for that guy to then say, "She means nothing to me" at the same time you're getting considerably less than the above mentioned, logic will lead you to believe......

Just as I can imagine when a man is doing everything he can to please a woman including holding back his sexual desires, to then learn that this same woman could have sex with some guy who did not put nearly half as much effort and then she says "he meant nothing to me........." well, the world then just has absolutely no order at all.......... whey should one even try?

It's been 4 years now, I believe that my fiance has been faithful; he has told me about the LinkedIn invites that she sent him and he has ignored; he has been sympathetic with my triggered meltdowns but they have been fewer in frequency........

What a man would need to feel reassured that he will never be Plan B is most likely best expressed by another man......


----------



## wilderness

Caribbean Man said:


> I was on your other thread responding to some other posters, but i didn't respond directly to you.
> 
> So let me explain what's going on in his head, because you seem genuinely confused .
> 
> I think everything can be condensed into two problems, a minor one and a major one.
> 
> The minor one is that you had sex with another man whilst you kept your boyfriend on hold , albeit, during the early stages of the relationship. If I were him , I would feel a bit jilted , but I would probably rationalize that you were either drunk or horny and sh!t happened. Based on the relationship we had , I could cope with that and we would move forward.
> 
> The major problem , IMO is what has your boyfriend angry.
> That is ,WHO you had that wild " meaningless " sex with while you had him " on hold."
> His sworn enemy / arch rival.
> 
> It's like a girl growing up with an older , prettier sister who always got all the attention from the boys. She has a crush on this new guy in the neighborhood who notices her, and then " bam" older sister appears and takes the guy.
> 
> That's how your boyfriend feels, like a looser to his nemesis.
> 
> Most likely he considers this a gross disrespect not so much on your part , but his enemy's part. But he probably cannot get at him , and unfortunately, whenever he thinks of having sex with you or getting intimate with you , he will see his enemy's face in the back of his mind , jeering at him;
> 
> " _Ha ha! I beat you to it again , looser.._"
> 
> Not to mention anytime he runs into him.
> 
> That part of your problem is the " _catch 22_" situation for you.
> There is really nothing you can do.
> My advice to you is to give it some time, and stop pressuring him trying to explain , because there is no explanation you can give that would make his feeling of being " robbed "go away.
> 
> But sometimes time can heal even the deepest wounds.
> 
> In this case, it might be better to separate for a while , so that he can sort his feelings out , and you can sort your feelings out.
> If he comes back to you , then all is well.
> If he doesn't come back , then you will have to move on with your life as well as him.
> 
> You might want to reconsider your " multidating " approach to serious relationships in the future.


As a guy I think you have the major and minor problems mixed up. If it were me the arch enemy thing wouldn't be that big of a deal. But the fact that she had sex with the other guy right away but made me wait would be a HUGE deal- probably a deal breaker.


----------



## JCD

The advice is the same. I told you to wait about four days, then to get back in touch with him ONCE.

If he doesn't seem interested in contact, wait another four days. Try again. Then wait two weeks if you can't reach him.

If you get to a month, you're not getting him back.

Because if you smother him with calls right now, he is going to wonder 'hey...where the hell was all that effort when we were FIRST dating?' Because he KNOWS where all that effort was going...and it wasn't to him.

The prognosis is bad. You've been here a couple of weeks.

Has he contacted you since that lunch?


----------



## JCD

By the way, Lonnie. I noted that NO ONE asked this question, but how did he find out?


----------



## Jellybeans

Fly by posts are the worst.


----------



## Jellybeans

JCD said:


> By the way, Lonnie. I noted that NO ONE asked this question, but how did he find out?


Say what?! I've asked about five times now as well as others. (Unless you were being facetious,, and if so, then carry on).


----------



## NextTimeAround

JCD said:


> By the way, Lonnie. I noted that NO ONE asked this question, but how did he find out?


The one way one finds out would be important. I have told my fiance that since he met us both at separate meetup activities, that it is not a stretch that she could have spotted me at one and cornered me. In fact, at a time when meetup would put so much info on one's profile page, I could see that she signed for an activity I actually went to before I even knew anything about her -- but she already knew a lot about me.

she knew my age -- and made jokes about it
she knew that my fiance advised me to get a mammogram -- and then after talking about the state of her health with my (future) fiance compared herself (favorably) to me by saying "at least it's not cancer" -- she's 21 years younger than I am, she has a long way to go;
she also advised him to drop me, on the basis of monitoring our dates ie her asking "Did she spend the night?"

So one can only imagine how she might have been had she had the chance to get in my face. And I think she avoided sending me a pm (possible either through meetup or FB) because that would have been too much of a paper trail that she would not have been able to deny.

So Lonnie, you can see how embarrassing it can be for someone who is publicly alerted to sensitive information......


----------



## alexm

Cosmos said:


> Frankly, I would call it a day with the BF, because he's unlikely to forgive and forget, IMO. Then I would look closely at what I'm looking for in life and work out some new dating rules for myself...


My advice in the other thread (before it/I went off the rails) remains the same here, which is pretty much what Cosmos said. ^^

If he comes back to you, then great, honestly. But, it means that you're going to be on thin ice likely for as long as you two remain together. In other words, you're going to have to put in 100% effort without any days off. If you are willing to do that, then great. But be forewarned, things will never be the same, he will never see you the same way, and you will have to be on your toes constantly from that point on. So, is he worth that to you?

And the second thing is, if he does not come back, then this will have been an excellent learning experience for you, and that is not a waste. There are so many things you can pull from this:

- maybe don't multi-date
- if you do multi-date, inform each partner
- if you can't/won't inform each partner, then don't be intimate with one (or either of them)
- the "means nothing" line is garbage 99.9% of the time. It ALWAYS means something. especially to the person you're saying it to.
- saying sex "meant nothing" paints you in a bad light. I would prefer my spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend had 20 partners who meant something, than 5 who meant nothing.

Bottom line - you didn't make any mistakes in what you did, per se. You didn't intend to, or see yourself, falling in love with your bf. You were simply having fun, going on dates, one of them turned sexual. One of them turned serious. Just not the same one. Oops. What you can learn from THAT, is that with maturity comes better selection, and the less likely you are to jump into bed with someone just because they're attractive or "bad". We all do this, men and women, it's in our nature. But we all generally grow out of that phase at some point, and start looking at dating as a mate selection process, rather than a "have fun/get laid/build our ego" thing.

From my POV, this usually takes several tries before one "gets it". Your BF probably thinks along the same lines. No matter what you say to him, he will feel that he is the one for you right NOW, but that if and when you two break up, you will repeat the same things (the attraction to bad boys, etc.) In other words, he will likely feel that he is no more than an important step along the way to your full maturity.

My wife did the same thing, as is very typical of most men and women - she and I dated in high school for several years, we broke up, we both had our bad-boy/girls phase, then we both settled down for a LTR (with other people). Mine lasted, hers didn't. She repeated that process of bad boys/casual relationships, then LTR, break up, casual, then LTR. When we finally got back into each others lives a number of years ago, we were both done with that cycle, and we were both at the same place in life. She (nor I) had any more need or use for the obvious casual relationship, hook ups, ONS, etc. We both had learned from our respective experiences, and we're both the better for it now. I think you are still in the learning phase, myself. I thought a few girls were "the one" over the years, and my wife thought a few of her LTR's were "the one", as well. When they didn't end up that way, it was back to the casual dating scene for a little while, then a conscious (usually) decision to start seeking out an actual mate. It usually takes several tries, that involve many mistakes, before you get it right. Both she and I did it, and it was important. We thought we knew what we wanted, many times over the years, but we didn't, and we learned.

Essentially, it's all practice before the big game- and it's all good. But I don't think your BF regards himself as anything more than practice at this point - and he's probably right.

And that's okay.


----------



## DoF

Move on OP

Even if he was to reconsider, think about it. What kind of a man would accept this. Also, how would your future be with him if he was to take you back (from trust perspective).

Learn from this and don't make the same mistakes again. There is some unwritten rules/code you need to follow when dating.


----------



## Jellybeans

NextTimeAround said:


> So Lonnie, you can see how embarrassing it can be for someone who is publicly alerted to sensitive information......


Why did you stay with him? Curious. I have read a lot of your posts and it's very clearly a black mark on your relationship that hurts you still (and I don't fault you for that). You are getting married, right?


----------



## NextTimeAround

Jellybeans said:


> Why did you stay with him? Curious. I have read a lot of your posts and it's very clearly a black mark on your relationship that hurts you still (and I don't fault you for that). You are getting married, right?


TAM is my padded cell where I can unload. I am one to look at things step by step. I am sort of a message board junkie. Before the internet, I would devour Q&A columns like Ann Landers and Miss Manners..... even though still, it has taken me decades to have the insight on human behavior that many other people instinctively have.

My fiance and I are doing very nicely these days but it is a learning experience and maybe I can help others. I see in various places the advocacy of multi dating and male / female friendships, especially for women despite the minefields that they create. And what I think many women do not understand is that they could end up on the wrong side of a male female friendship. 

I'm sure most women who defend male female friendships are thinking about how they are the guy's friend and naysayers are just jealous and insecure. They don't think about how they can be on the wrong side of this triangle.

The other possibility here as one person pointed out to me, is that this may feel like PTSD. which I would agree. That old "what if" as in what if I done nothing / gone with the flow / etc as I was advised to do both in real life and in cyber space. 

the thought of putting your all into a relationship and then to be left high and drive because you were too proud (so as to avoid being called jealous and insecure) to point out the elephant in the room is for me enough to want to keep some memories as fresh as possible as long as it does not ruin the valuable relationship(s) that I want to maintain.

Jellybean, I forgot what brought you here to TAM. What's your story?


----------



## JCD

DoF said:


> Move on OP
> 
> Even if he was to reconsider, think about it. *What kind of a man would accept this. *Also, how would your future be with him if he was to take you back (from trust perspective).
> 
> Learn from this and don't make the same mistakes again. There is some unwritten rules/code you need to follow when dating.


Playing devil's advocate here. A 'forgiving' man?

Is forgiveness such a horrible thing that we now despise and make fun of people for doing it?

God knows I have needed grace on occasion, having done 53 kinds of stupid as a kid and teen which was forgiven by some great and strong men. That means I had better be willing to put some out as well.

Sorry...thread jack over.


----------



## Jellybeans

NextTime - Ah, I see. I was just wondering cause you have mentioned several times about what happened with your guy and his "friend." That has to sting. I sympathize.

What brought me here? I was divorcing and met others here who were, too.


----------



## samyeagar

Faithful Wife said:


> Lonnie....I was a multi-dater when I was between relationships and I hear ya and understand what happened. But I'm wondering how old you are? Are you in your 20's or 30's? Also, have you ever been married before, and is marriage what you are looking for right now?
> 
> The thing is, if your bf can't get over this, then he just can't....and that will have to be ok with you. He gets to decide if he can handle it or not and if he can't, please do not try to change his mind. Just let him go.
> 
> When something like this happens it is quite a test. You don't know how you might feel if the situation were reversed. Or even, what if he had dated a stripper or porn star OR someone that you personally wouldn't want to be getting the seconds from? I'm using stripper or porn star as examples because I have dated guys who have dated both...and it really didn't matter to me, I didn't think anything of it, but a friend of mine who is the jealous type anyway told me she'd never be able to get over thinking he was wishing he was with a porn star and not her. Before she said that I hadn't even considered this. Anyway the point is, if he did something in his past that you just couldn't handle, you would have to walk away, right?
> 
> *If that is his choice for himself, then it will have to just be ok. You couldn't have foreseen this happening. You didn't do anything wrong. But at the same time, I'm wondering if his reaction means you actually dodged a bullet*.
> 
> I have made a lot of assumptions here without a lot of info so, if I am way off base, I apologize.


This skirts along what I have been saying and hit hard in the other thread. She hasn't done anything wrong, but neither has he, but painting his choice in such a negative light as her dodging a bullet suggests you feel otherwise. It could just as easily be said that HE dodged a bullet with her, though I would look at it as simply two people who at this points in their lives are simply not compatible.

She may not have been able to foresee this happening, and while I don't think she did anything wrong for her, it was obviously not right for him, which again suggests incompatibility. The choices we make ALWAYS have consequences, some immediate, others long term, and no mater the intention of the actions, sometimes the consequences are not what we desire, but that does't change the fact that they are a direct result of the choices we make.


----------



## NextTimeAround

Jellybeans said:


> NextTime - Ah, I see. I was just wondering cause you have mentioned several times about what happened with your guy and his "friend." That has to sting. I sympathize.
> 
> What brought me here? I was divorcing and met others here who were, too.


yeah, it does sting because in this instance I got servings of lies, gaslighting and downplaying...... all the things that LonnieHere is doing with the guy she claims she could spend the rest of her life with.

Seriously, you have sex with some guy and then say "he meant nothing to me." One can only assume after a remark like that, considering how much he was trying to please her that he was in her opinion, less than nothing. 

IMO, you treat people you like well.
You treat people you really like, really well..... and so on. You don;t give someone you "don't like all that much" the girlfriend treatment and then give the one you call a girlfriend the "I have nothing better to do right now anyway" treatment.

I'm sure men can interpret the mirror image of the above for themselves.


----------



## theroad

Why start a thread and then not join the discussion?

It is not about what the OP is to do to save her relationship.

For she can do everything and what she did can be too much for her BF to recover from. The OP disrespected her BF many times.

1 OP dual dated without being up front. Which is being cheated on by the BF.

2 OP put out right way for the OM.

3 The OP made the BF wait months until she was done test riding the OM before she gave it up to the BF.

4 The OP banged the BF arch enemy.

The OP cheated. Though the way she cheated is she took cheating to the 4th degree.


----------



## Faithful Wife

Sorry sam...it is just how I see it. I *might* be a bad sign about her bf's character. MIGHT. It might not but it MIGHT.

On the other hand, you and others here are implying that she is a sl*t and I disagree. A lot of men chose a girl to have sex with who they don't want a relationship with, and that's what this OP did. Who cares? I know you have not made those types of choices but that doesn't mean those who did were sl*ts.

I think you are projecting.


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## Tall Average Guy

Faithful Wife said:


> On the other hand, you and others here are implying that she is a sl*t and I disagree. A lot of men chose a girl to have sex with who they don't want a relationship with, and that's what this OP did. Who cares? I know you have not made those types of choices but that doesn't mean those who did were sl*ts.
> 
> I think you are projecting.


Sam has been very clear his belief that what she did was not wrong. To accuse him of implying that she is a **** is some projection of your own.

I actually disagreed with the same paragraph but for completely different reasons (though I agreed with much of the rest of your post). I think it was completely forseeable that he would have a bad reaction to this. If you represent yourself in a particular way to one person, but then act in a completely different way to another, the first will feel lied to, even if it was a lie of omission. 

I don't think she cheated, and I don't see an issue with multidating during the type of time frame that she described. But she was not honest in how she portrayed herself and that will have consequences when it is found out.


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## Caribbean Man

Faithful Wife said:


> Sorry sam...it is just how I see it. I *might* be a bad sign about her bf's character. MIGHT. It might not but it MIGHT.
> 
> On the other hand, you and others here are implying that she is a sl*t and I disagree. *A lot of men chose a girl to have sex with who they don't want a relationship with, and that's what this OP did. Who cares? *I know you have not made those types of choices but that doesn't mean those who did were sl*ts.
> 
> I think you are projecting.


Well quite obviously her ex boyfriend whom she loves dearly and is trying to salvage their relationship,

Cares.

I guess that * might * be a bad sign about he bf character...
MIGHT. It might not but MIGHT.

Interesting.


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## samyeagar

Faithful Wife said:


> Sorry sam...it is just how I see it. I *might* be a bad sign about her bf's character. MIGHT. It might not but it MIGHT.
> 
> On the other hand, you and others here are implying that she is a sl*t and I disagree. A lot of men chose a girl to have sex with who they don't want a relationship with, and that's what this OP did. Who cares? I know you have not made those types of choices but that doesn't mean those who did were sl*ts.
> 
> I think you are projecting.


I have implied no such thing. I have explicitly said many time that she hasn't done anything wrong, and I truly believe that.

The issue here is that she made choices that were fine for her. She slept with a guy whom she didn't want a relationship with, and now is trying to figure out how to get the guy she made wait be fine with that.

My point here is that she made a choice, which is a perfectly fine choice. In making the choice she did, one of the results was a BF who was not OK with it. That's life. It happens. She has to accept the results of the choice SHE made. It's clearly not the result she wanted, but you can't always get what you want.


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## NextTimeAround

Remember this thread: 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/151937-if-you-were-courting-woman-you-were-keen.html


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## Faithful Wife

Sam...And I implied that she MIGHT have dodged a bullet...which is also true and you and I have no way of knowing otherwise...I see a bit of a warning sign in there myself. You came in to tell me that it was all "due to her choices" and not fair to say she might have dodged a bullet. If you think you don't project between the lines that she made a sl*tty choice, you are wrong, that is exactly how you sound. You say similar things to other people in similar posts. You also say similar things to GUYS when they are in similar shoes, so I know for you it is about your feelings of what choices others have made before their current relationships...and you aren't happy about your STBW's choices before your current relationship with her, so how would it not seem like you are projecting?


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## Caribbean Man

The issue is not whether or not she cheated or if her boyfriend thinks she's a slvt. Nowhere did the OP imply that.

One of the main issues is compatibility.
She doesn't believe she did anything wrong, he believes she did something wrong.

Obviously, she cares for him in some way , otherwise , she wouldn't be here on TAM looking for answers.

Are her ex boyfriend's hurt feelings legitimate?
Well hello!
She doesn't get to decide that.
Should her boyfriend take her back?
She doesn't get to decide that either.

So what are her options if she feels justified in her actions?

Move on.

However,

If she wants him back, she needs to compromise , he needs to do the same, and they can both move forward.


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## LongWalk

The debate about what OP did has been exhaustively covered in her original thread. The purpose of this thread is help her in her relationship. This may include arguing in favor of acceptance that it is over.

One practical tip was to wait 4 days before contacting him. What should OP tell him about her past sex life?

Should request anything from him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Faithful Wife

Caribbean Man said:


> Well quite obviously her ex boyfriend whom she loves dearly and is trying to salvage their relationship,
> 
> Cares.
> 
> I guess that * might * be a bad sign about he bf character...
> MIGHT. It might not but MIGHT.
> 
> Interesting.


What is REALLY interesting CM, is that when I was new here, you were all over me...PM'ing me....hanging up lots of "I AGREE!!!" signs after all of my posts. 

You were reading my blog, told me you enjoyed it and agreed with it...

But then suddenly, all of that changed.

When was that?

After a bout of posts where I disagreed with some of the things you were saying.

Suddenly, you no longer agreed with anything I say, and you started going out of your way to chase me around the board just to disagree with me. You and your friend Sandfly appear to be waiting around just to try to mock me (although to give him credit, at least he never tried to pretend like he liked me first)

I can't help but think that you suddenly disliked me and can't wait to mock me BECAUSE I disagreed with you. I'm super sorry you can't handle disagreement but I don't see why you have to chase me around anymore...I never even talk to you or respond to your posts or threads, EVEN when you mock me over and over.

I decided to finally say something because I just felt it was so odd that you, again, had to rush in to try to mock me and especially since you ended your post with "interesting"....

Yes, it sure is interesting.


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## samyeagar

Faithful Wife said:


> Sorry sam...it is just how I see it. I *might* be a bad sign about her bf's character. MIGHT. It might not but it MIGHT.
> 
> On the other hand, you and others here are implying that she is a sl*t and I disagree. A lot of men chose a girl to have sex with who they don't want a relationship with, and that's what this OP did. Who cares? I know you have not made those types of choices but that doesn't mean those who did were sl*ts.
> 
> I think you are projecting.


The more I think about this the more it is pissing me off. That takes quite a lot to do, so congratulations  I think it's because I respect you and your thoughts, and I would have thought you knew me better than this.

I have read back through ALL of my posts regarding this topic, and not once have I said anything even close to the slvt shaming you accuse me of. To the contrary, I have gone out of my way to make sure I didn't say anything that could be taken as such.


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## norajane

theroad said:


> Why start a thread and then not join the discussion?
> 
> It is not about what the OP is to do to save her relationship.




*Yet that is exactly what she is asking. * She wants some advice on how to communicate with her bf to help them resolve this problem. 

She already has a 30+ page thread telling her what all she did wrong and what a horrible thing she did and how her bf won't ever forgive her. She's been given chapter and verse on every minute aspect of what she did wrong. 
 


> For she can do everything and what she did can be too much for her BF to recover from. The OP disrespected her BF many times.


What she did wrong has been explained ad nauseum in two different threads now (and still going strong on this one!).

Still, some people are actually capable of forgiveness, especially when they've been happily seeing each other for a year and have been truly happy in the relationship.

Sometimes people DO overcome issues in a relationship. Sometimes they even overcome major issues which others would walk away from.

She is asking what she might able to do in this case, and all everyone wants to do is tell her what she did wrong.

So, Lonnie, take that to heart. Your bf will probably spend a lot of time telling you what you did wrong and all the ways you hurt him. Listen to him. Let him tell you how he feels and what his thoughts are. Understand where his anger and anguish is coming from. Then sincerely apologize for hurting him. It's up to him at that point if he can or can't take any steps toward forgiveness. 

But if he starts calling you a sl*t or wh*re or tries to make you feel small and like you're a horrible person that he couldn't possibly forgive, then please, do walk away. That kind of man won't be able to let this go, ever, even if he pretends to move on.


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## Faithful Wife

Sam...it is because I know your story so well and I know how it hurts you some of the choices your stbw made...that's why I am reading between the lines of what you are saying. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with your view of it. But you are the one who brought what I said up to disagree with it, not the other way around. Yet I am not insulted or pissed that you did so. Another sign of projecting.


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## FrenchFry

I just got my coffee.

To be honest, all I see is another thread where OP took off again and all we can do is speculate and that just leads to cannibalization.

So, I don't think we really need two threads going in the same circles. If the OP wants to come back and ask me to reopen it, I'll be happy to do so. I realize not everyone stays on TAM 24/7 like me  so this isn't punishment or anything just you know--getting it back on track.


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