# Need a man's perspective



## AnewBeginning (Dec 27, 2011)

My H and I are currently separated. He and I have been married for 5 yrs but have known each other since we were kids. Over the last couple years, last yr especially things have gotten really bad. He has always been a little emotionally and verbally abusive, but has gotten really bad the lasts couple years, and he also has pushed it to the physical level 2x in the last several months. We have a 2 1/2 yr old son, who was witness to all of this.

He is also taking pills, I had asked him to stop and he swore that he did. He wants to work things out so I am giving it another shot, however I am extremely guarded as I am really doubtful that he will change. For a couple weeks he was doing great- things seemed good and he really acted like he knew what needed to change. He said he stopped talking to all his pill buddies. I checked the phone bill and he calls them several times a day. (these are not people he talks to unless that is what he is doing). I also just found out that the night we separated he got our friends little cousins # and had been calling her....

What I want to know is do you guys think that someone like this can change?? Or does it sound like he will never grow up. Another thing is too that his mom and brother and sil all know about the violence and say it is my fault because I had a new bathing suit on.....so they never have made him pay for anything wrong that he has done, they cover it up and drag me in the dirt so that they don't look bad.....

Opinions please!!! I am very lost between wanting to keep my family together, but also wanting to be happy, and safe...


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Can he change? Sure. Can you change him? Not a chance. Only he can change himself. Has he/is he willing to pursue counseling to address these issues? 

Letting your temper get physical is totally out of bounds and unacceptable - period. There is no justification - especially with your child standing in witness. Nice. If he can't get that sh!t totally under control right away I'd be gone.


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## AnewBeginning (Dec 27, 2011)

He has been going to counseling with me but has only gone 3 or 4 times. He was great the first 2 times and then the last time she got to see his real self. He wasn't as nice as he usually is. Basically said that he wasn't going to kiss my a$$ to get me back and he doesn't see how he can change if I don't move back in. That is why I left, because I was getting tired of trying to change him. And I was shocked that a couple weeks later I left he broke down and wanted to change...but now I'm not so sure. I think he thought that I would just fall for it and move right back in and I didn't. He is getting impatient and says that everyone hates me because of how I left him and that I want too much from him... I don't think that wanting a respectful and loving relationship is too much. I am just no longer willing to put up with the way he treats me.

We are getting together this weekend so I am going to lay the cards on the table and see where he stands. If he denies everything and thinks it is no big deal, then I have my answer. He asked me if I thought he was soo messed up how could I just leave him...I told him I got sick of trying on my own when no one else in his family would admit that he was doing anything wrong, and still won't....At some point he will have to help himself...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Stick to your boundaries. It sounds like you are get him to start looking at himself. Good for you!


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

AnewBeginning said:


> Another thing is too that his mom and brother and sil all know about the violence and say it is my fault *because I had a new bathing suit on.....*


Get away from your your ********* husband and his ********* family.


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## AnewBeginning (Dec 27, 2011)

SockPuppet said:


> Get away from your your ********* husband and his ********* family.


That is pretty much what is in the back of my head right now, but I want to ask him about the phone calls. Mainly because I want to see if he will lie to me, or fess up. I am thinking lie, and then I have my final try out in the open...


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

Im not sure what more there is to the story, but if your Husbands family is willing to back up his physical abuse because you were in a new bikini, it shows that they are unable to look at the situation and this man objectively. Most likely he can do no wrong in their eyes.

So not only will they not be any help in allowing his to turn his lfie around, Id surmise that they would damper his efforts, by telling him he doesnt need to change and that he is a great man as he is.

I doubt this guy is capable of loving and respecting you in a way that you want and deserve.

Not all hope is lost though, if you really really wanted to fight for him, you could do so successfully. However you would be fighting his demons (pills) and his family without his help.

All in all I see this as a complete waste of time. Put your cards on the table, but make sure your bags are already packed and theres a full tank of gas in the car.


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## AnewBeginning (Dec 27, 2011)

I am already out. Almost everything I own except for decorations and cookware is out of the house already and my son and I are living with my dad and step-mom right now. (last thing i wanted to do was move in with my parents...but right now I can't afford to get my own place) 

He is telling me that his mom is saying he needs help, which she told me, but she is the one who told my friend that he flipped out that night because of the "new" bikini (which was over a year old). So I don't think that I am going to have much support, or any at all. He is going to have to make huge changes if he has a chance. But I don't see it happening. 

It is killing me, because i don't want a divorce. My parents are divorced, and my dad was verbally abusive but has done a complete 180 and is totally different now. That is the reason that I am still holding on that he can change. But he's not my dad, and he probably doesn't really care to change at this point. I just hate to see my family crumble because he is such an a$$. I thought that leaving would've been a rude awakening, and it was until I didn't go back right away...This is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life....and I hate it!


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

Dont hate it: love it, embrace it!

Easier said than done, I know. But if this is the hardest thing in your life right now, than many other challenges should be a cakewalk by comparison.

For me, life isnt about getting a job, house and kids. Its not about how many TV's you have in your house, or how much money is in your bank account.

Life is about experience's, and this is one new experience you get to live. Its not going to be a fun one, but you can learn from it, and become a better person for it.


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## pssa (Jan 3, 2012)

You are not the one breaking up your family, he is. If I were a woman and my husband hit me, there wouldn't be a second time because he would never see me again unless it was in court. 

Don't let your experiences with your parents cloud your decision-making. He has crossed so many lines that there really isn't anything that he could do at this point that would make me go back if I were you.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Well... what if you confront him with your proof, and he breaks down and cries, and says he's sorry???? That is probably more apt to happen than not. 

Let go of what works for him, what he wants, how he feels about it all. Work on building a better life for yourself and your son. Maybe YOU doing great will be a wake up call for him.... maybe it will be too late by then, no telling. You have to start somewhere...and this is a good place. You have some help, people to lean on.... be thankful for that and improve your chances of standing on your own two feet. Show your son what a strong, capable woman looks like. 

Get counseling for yourself if you think you need it. Altho, you sound like you mostly have your head on straight. Good Luck!


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## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

I think that you're doing all the right things by removing yourself and your child away from a potenitally dangerous situation. It has already gone to being a physically abusive situation and unless he accepts that he really has an addiction problem, seeks out help and maintains some sort of recovery, things are only going to get worse.

I'm not in your situation, but I have seen it play out a few times in my life. You are not causing the break in your family, he is by not fully accepting his responsibility to make himself better. You can't do it, his family can't do it, only he has the power to change if he really wants to. For now, I would work on taking care of yourself and your son the best that you can and maintain your boundaries with your husband until he shows some real changes. Best of luck to you!


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## AnewBeginning (Dec 27, 2011)

Thank you all! i am going to counseling. I actually had another session tonight, by myself. H was going with me. I feel strong right now and I feel like I am trying to really better myself both for me and my son. I am laying it all on the table this weekend, with proof of his phone calls and everything to his People...we will see where that goes. I am fully aware that I can't change him and that he is the only one who can. He just needs to realize that. I feel good about it so far. I just need to see what he has to say, and I'm sure we will come to some kind of decision as to where we need to go next.


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