# I Cheated, Distant H forever??



## TashaB (Dec 30, 2011)

I cheated and was wrong I know that really. It seems my H doesn't love me as passionately as he did before. I fear he'll never love me like he used to. I know people here have been through this. Did you ever love your WS as much after you found out about the affair? 

He says that part of him still doesn't trust me. I don't know if I can continue on if he is going to hold this over my head the rest of my life and not forgive me. I try to do what I can so he can forgive but it never seems like enough. I want his love back but I don't know that it will ever come.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Well given the fact you asked your husband whether you could remain friends with the guy you cheated with AFTER he forgave you....... I don't think he'll be all flowers and roses anytime soon. I'm actually baffled why he's still married to you after that little "request"


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

It can take years for him to be intimate with you again. Don't forget you cheated and he gifted you with forgiveness. You shouldn't be asking anything at this point.


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## LoveMouse (Apr 22, 2012)

Trust will come in time. Right now he's feeling betrayed, you broke...well so many things that make up the vow of marriage. Put yourself in his shoes, what would you want to make you feel better? All phones, passwords must be open for his inspection, give him the times and places you'll be all day long, let him know you don't have anything to hide, be the open book he needs right now. Many marriages get thru this but it's EXTREAMLY hard and requires a lot of work from both. There is a good chance he no longer wants to be married, he may be looking into his options. This is your world, you made him the ship just passing thru, it's up to you to weigh his anchor and keep his boat afloat.  
Good Luck, pray for wisdon, feel his pain and act accordingly.
Mouse


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long has it been since your husband found out about the affair?

It's only been a few months since the OM came back around and you asked your husband if you can be freinds with the OM.

It takes 2 - 5 years for the betrayed spouse to recover from an affair.

What have you been doing to prove to your husband that you can be trusted?


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

Tasha, your marriage will never be the same. You are no longer the girl of his hopes and dreams, the fairy tale is gone, the story has changed. You can reconcile and have a good and loving and trusting marriage if you work hard for it but even in full recovery - years from now he won't look at you in the same way - he will always keep a bit of his heart protected.

You have to work at this, you have to give him time, be transparent and understand that he will trigger years from now.....and it's his timeline not yours - you can never tell him or act in a manner thT you demand that he just gets over it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TashaB (Dec 30, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> How long has it been since your husband found out about the affair?
> 
> It's only been a few months since the OM came back around and you asked your husband if you can be freinds with the OM.
> 
> ...


I've offered passwords but he just says that he trusts me. He says he doesn't want to divorce and that he loves me. I tell him that I love him and that it wont happen again. I try to be transparent. I ask if he forgives me. That's what I do. Right now I feel like I'm living through a love drought.


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## ilgitano (Apr 2, 2012)

TashaB, 
I've just read this in one of your old threads: "I've known him all of my life, I love him. But i'm in love with my husband. What do I do? It feels hard to breath. I want his friendship back. Doesn't he deserve a 2nd chance too?"

I don't know the whole story but if you still maintain ANY kind of contact with this guy, there's no hope. And no, your old friend never deserved a second chance.

And yes, things will improve. I would recommend no guy friends (at all for the moment), no FB (close your account), and lots of patience. It could take a year or 2 but he's still there isn't he? It probably won't be like before.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TashaB said:


> I've offered passwords but he just says that he trusts me. He says he doesn't want to divorce and that he loves me. I tell him that I love him and that it wont happen again. I try to be transparent. I ask if he forgives me. That's what I do. Right now I feel like I'm living through a love drought.


Write your passwords down and put the paper in a place that he can access at anytime. Just tell him that they are there for him should he ever want to check out anything.

The dynamics of your marriage have changed. Your husband might still be suffering from depression.. .most BS go through a pretty serious depression that can linger for a long time. 

Asking him if he forgives you does nothing to build his trust in you. Instead you need to ask him what he needs for you to do. He might just say nothing except have no more to do with the OM. But that's something isn't it?

You most likely are living through a love drought. He's not punishing you, he is just dealing with some very heavy emotional issues. He's view of who you are has most likely done a 180. You are not the person he thought he married. Instead you are a person who is willing to tear his heart out... that's a hard thing for him to come to term with.

If you truely love him you will stick by him through these hard times. You caused this. You caused his pain. So now your job is to help him heal... by being trustworthy and loving him no matter how distant he might be at this time.

You seem more concerned about the discomfort you are going through then about his pain.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

Time will tell. It is , relatively, rare that a relationship thrives after infidelity. I think about 30% stay together and a fair % are unhappy.
Many men, initially, want to reconcile but change their minds at about the 18month mark.
So, wait and see.


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## TashaB (Dec 30, 2011)

I dont mean to sound insensitive. I do care for him and love him vary much. It's just that this what it felt like before I had an affair he cared so much about work and not me. But he wasn't like this the first couple years together, he was very passionate. 

And with him not really working on any issues it seems like it will always be like this. Like he wont address our issues but continue to say it's ok.  I honestly cant tell if it's still affecting him because he is the same as he was before I had an affair, distant. More concerned for work than anything else.


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## ilgitano (Apr 2, 2012)

TashaB said:


> I dont mean to sound insensitive. I do care for him and love him vary much. It's just that this what it felt like before I had an affair he cared so much about work and not me. But he wasn't like this the first couple years together, he was very passionate.
> 
> And with him not really working on any issues it seems like it will always be like this. Like he wont address our issues but continue to say it's ok.  I honestly cant tell if it's still affecting him because he is the same as he was before I had an affair, distant. More concerned for work than anything else.


Have you guys been through any kind of couple therapy? Seems like he could have lots of bottled up anger.


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## TashaB (Dec 30, 2011)

ilgitano said:


> Have you guys been through any kind of couple therapy? Seems like he could have lots of bottled up anger.


We stopped going. He put work above that too.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TashaB said:


> I dont mean to sound insensitive. I do care for him and love him vary much. It's just that this what it felt like before I had an affair he cared so much about work and not me. But he wasn't like this the first couple years together, he was very passionate.
> 
> And with him not really working on any issues it seems like it will always be like this. Like he wont address our issues but continue to say it's ok.  I honestly cant tell if it's still affecting him because he is the same as he was before I had an affair, distant. More concerned for work than anything else.


Take a look at the links in my signature block below for building a passionate marriage. Get the books, read them and work through them with your husband. I would also encourage the two of you to call Dr. Harley and have a least a couple of phone couseling sessions. Dr. Harley also has some very good marriage weekend type sessions that are supposed to be very good at putting a marriage back on track.

While you did cheat, I understand the feeling you have of being in a marriage with no passion. A passionaless marriage is a very hard thing to live with. So look to build passion back into your marriage. If your husband will not join you in this, you can start the process on your own. Dr. Harley (MarriageBuilders.com) talks about doing this.


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## ilgitano (Apr 2, 2012)

TashaB said:


> We stopped going. He put work above that too.


Well, it's needed and in your case, urgent. There's a limit to everything. 

I think that people cheat for a reason. Could be of something lacking in the relationship or that simply the 2 were simply never meant to be together. 

Remember also that everything changes.... relationships as well as people. Some couples develop a stronger bond after infidelity. Everything is possible. But again, is the OM is still in the picture it's a major road block to the progress of this relationship. For men, knowing that our sweetheart had sex with another is the worst thing possible. If the OM is still around, it's like a knife hanging over his head.


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## lostsoul568 (May 1, 2011)

Complexity said:


> Well given the fact you asked your husband whether you could remain friends with the guy you cheated with AFTER he forgave you....... I don't think he'll be all flowers and roses anytime soon. I'm actually baffled why he's still married to you after that little "request"


If you want your marriage to work, NEVER speak to the OM again. He must be cut out of your life completely. If you want to stay friends with him, not only is it completely unfair to your spouse, it will cause your marriage to fail.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lostsoul568 (May 1, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

he's checking-out on you. 

honestly.....i think he's done with you. he's biding his time.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

You went against everyone's advice here and tried to hook up with the OM again at your home's porch. You reap what you sow, sorry.


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## cantdecide (Apr 9, 2012)

My wife did the same thing. She wanted to reconcile with me but still be friends with the guy she cheated with. Couldn't wrap my head around it. She couldn't figure out why I couldn't be passionate with her. Really? She couldn't figure it out? I filed for divorce.

What you're doing is cold hearted towards your husband and shows absolutely no respect nor remorse. He needs to divorce you.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

"Nobody ever gets over that intimacy with their wife is no longer exclusive". Someone put that on this forum a long time ago and I think it holds true. That Elephant will always be in the room because of your choices.

You are now in your second marriage with your husband the first marriage was killed by your actions. He is different because of what you put him through and will always react differently because he has now acquired that knowledge that "You" betrayed him. He knows that he cannot ever fully "Trust" you again.

Can you have a "Good" marriage? Yes, it depends on how much both or you put into it, but your actions trying to see the OM again rips that wound open again. 

Sorry, I just can't understand the cheaters who say they have opened up an told their spouse about the affair and "Why can't he/she trust me again and why can't it be as it was before?" You took a bat and beat that relationship to death every time you took the OM in your arms and were intimate with him. 

You have to do the heavy lifting. Will it work, don't know.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

TashaB said:


> I dont mean to sound insensitive. I do care for him and love him vary much. It's just that this what it felt like before I had an affair he cared so much about work and not me. But he wasn't like this the first couple years together, he was very passionate.
> 
> And with him not really working on any issues it seems like it will always be like this. Like he wont address our issues but continue to say it's ok.  I honestly cant tell if it's still affecting him because he is the same as he was before I had an affair, distant. More concerned for work than anything else.


When he was passionate you cheated on him. Now he knows not to be like that so you're less likely to cheat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

There is an excellent chance that you blew up your relationship forever. I know of a few men who stayed and loved their wives again. But, they seem to be the exception and their wives went all out in the healing.
I sense you do not have that type of committment.


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## LoveMouse (Apr 22, 2012)

I don't see where you say you still want to be friends w/ the OM but if that is true, if you plan on hurting ur husband like that, you deserve nothing but the worse life possible. To even consider such an act, would (to me) an act of war and we all know about war and being fair. Have you considered how ur husband feels? I don't care if he works all the time, I don't care if he didn't talk to you for a year, that is not an excuse to cheat. In the bible women were stoned to death for cheating, being faithful is that important!!
Mouse


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I am just curious if the roles were reversed and he had screwed another woman behind your back putting your health at risk for STD's and begging that he still wanted to be friends with her; would you still be passionately in love with him at the moment? I think you need a reality check.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

snap said:


> You went against everyone's advice here and tried to hook up with the OM again at your home's porch. You reap what you sow, sorry.


Say what?

If that is the case, he will never trust you again. It's very unlikely he will ever feel the same about you as he did before.

Some people CAN get through infidelity. Other's can't. Sounds like your husband falls in the latter category.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Say what?
> 
> If that is the case, he will never trust you again. It's very unlikely he will ever feel the same about you as he did before.
> 
> Some people CAN get through infidelity. Other's can't. Sounds like your husband falls in the latter category.


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/37296-cheated-best-friend-now-hes-back-help.html


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## skip76 (Aug 30, 2011)

simple question simple answer. no! you ruined that love. maybe you should have thought of that question before you slept with other men. oh he works a lt, he doesn't pay attention to me. boo friggin hoo. you have changed this mans life forever and it is all about you. Someday you will look back and regret these decisions and this self entitlement attitude. people claim this is worse than rape which you did to your husband every day you woke up and continued this affair. day after day after day. and you wonder why he can't forgive you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

snap said:


> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/37296-cheated-best-friend-now-hes-back-help.html


Thanks for the link


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## skip76 (Aug 30, 2011)

TashaB said:


> I've offered passwords but he just says that he trusts me. He says he doesn't want to divorce and that he loves me. I tell him that I love him and that it wont happen again. I try to be transparent. I ask if he forgives me. That's what I do. Right now I feel like I'm living through a love drought.


a love drought? ohh that must be horrible!


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

TashaB said:


> I've offered passwords but he just says that he trusts me. He says he doesn't want to divorce and that he loves me. I tell him that I love him and that it wont happen again. I try to be transparent. I ask if he forgives me. That's what I do. Right now I feel like I'm living through a love drought.


What your husband has done is to give you cheap forgiveness. Many conflict avoiders do this. By doing this he has devalued himself in his own eyes. This on top of the feeling that you don't love or value him either. Otherwise you would not have cheated on him and tried to remain friends with the OM. You have hurt him, insulted his manhood, emasculated him, destroyed him. And you want to know why he is distant?

He is devoting so much of his time to work because frankly he has nothing else. You've proven to him that you don't want him. At least that is what he believes right now. Will this change? Maybe, maybe not. But you need to know that he will never be the same or see you as the same person he fell in love with. That person is dead to him. You need to become a different more empathetic lovable loving woman that he can fall in love with. Right now you are a monster in his eyes. Work on making yourself better for him and see if his attitude changes.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I would think that any continued contact with the OM would be a deal breaker. It shows that you aren't really sorry you had an affair. It shows you aren't really committed to a full reconciliation. If it were me I might lie too about forgiving you and trusting you, while I got my ducks in a row for divorce. When he says he doesn't need your passwords it doesn't mean he trusts you. It means he just doesn't care anymore. That's on you, and it can't change as long as you still have contact with your boyfriend. Was your boyfriend exposed? Were you exposed? Or was this whole thing swept under the rug?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

She slept with her best friend and then told her husband about it and then got upset that her husband didn't want her to have a relationship with the "best friend" anymore. She wanted to continue the friendship despite her husband's protests and saw nothing wrong with it. Then the bf showed up at her house/porch and her husband was either there or found out about it.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Makes you wonder why the hubby is unhappy, huh.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

TashaB said:


> I cheated and was wrong I know that really. It seems my H doesn't love me as passionately as he did before. I fear he'll never love me like he used to. I know people here have been through this. Did you ever love your WS as much after you found out about the affair?
> 
> He says that part of him still doesn't trust me. I don't know if I can continue on if he is going to hold this over my head the rest of my life and not forgive me. I try to do what I can so he can forgive but it never seems like enough. I want his love back but I don't know that it will ever come.


When is he going to trust you? When he no longer cares what you do and has no reason to neither trust or distrust you.
Keep those best friends coming around and he will eventually trust you because he will be gone.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

I didn't read your other thread but you refer to this guy as your 'best friend' and therein lies the problem. YOUR HUSBAND SHOULD BE YOUR BEST FRIEND. Period!


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

TashaB said:


> I cheated and was wrong I know that really. It seems my H doesn't love me as passionately as he did before. I fear he'll never love me like he used to. I know people here have been through this. Did you ever love your WS as much after you found out about the affair?
> 
> He says that part of him still doesn't trust me. I don't know if I can continue on if he is going to hold this over my head the rest of my life and not forgive me. I try to do what I can so he can forgive but it never seems like enough. I want his love back but I don't know that it will ever come.


Put yourself in his shoes. Would you trust him, if he cheated? Would you feel passionate toward him. 

In another post you said the distance is the same as before you cheated. 

Well, the time to address that distance, if it bothered you, was to seek counseling. Cheating is often an attempt to slap down the BS for some real or imagined slight and a bid to get his attention, but that always backfires. 

Cheating only makes things worse not better. It's likely the issue of his working to much and lack of passion could have been addressed in counseling. 

Now, because cheating is involved, there are trust issues and many other issues to first address before you can focus on his working and perceived lack of passion. 

In counseling they also help the WS face their own issues in the marriage. No one is perfect. Perhaps you BS was also feeling disconnected from you do to some real or imagined slight from you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Think you guys ran her off again...


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

I don't think she is receptive to any advice, unless it confirms her existing bias. Her previous threads suggest that.


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

I just "like" how it's her husband's fault for not forgiving her fast enough.

People really can't stand having the tables turned on them, it seems. It's okay for one to be distant (or cheating or whatever), but the second someone does it back, it's a "love drought."


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

My wife just visited a guy behind my back, didn't sleep with him, it's been a year and I'm still having trouble with it. Betrayal of trust is HUGE, not going to read the entire other thread but suffice to say, any contact whatsoever with this other guy EVER is not allowed. 

Your husband has been extraordinarily forgiving already, you need to be patient with him, and understand that it will take a long time to get that trust back, and you may never fully earn it.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Po12345 said:


> My wife just visited a guy behind my back, didn't sleep with him, it's been a year and I'm still having trouble with it. Betrayal of trust is HUGE, not going to read the entire other thread but suffice to say, any contact whatsoever with this other guy EVER is not allowed.
> 
> Your husband has been extraordinarily forgiving already, you need to be patient with him, and understand that it will take a long time to get that trust back, and you may never fully earn it.


I won't post this again in the largest font like I did the last time. (Nor will I paraphrase James Carville, since that probably goes over the head of anyone born after 1973.)

It's all about the lies.

It's the one thing that cheaters never seem to understand.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

You'll never get 100% of their love ever again. They'll always hold a little something back just in case. Get used to it, it'll never be the way it used to be. It can still be great, but if you're stilling looking for love from the past it's not gonna happen.

You have to start looking forward and building for the future. You screwed the past, let go of the past.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

TashaB said:


> I dont mean to sound insensitive. I do care for him and love him vary much. It's just that this what it felt like before I had an affair he cared so much about work and not me. But he wasn't like this the first couple years together, he was very passionate.
> 
> And with him not really working on any issues it seems like it will always be like this. Like he wont address our issues but continue to say it's ok.  I honestly cant tell if it's still affecting him because he is the same as he was before I had an affair, distant. More concerned for work than anything else.


All I can say is that you don't really have a leg to stand on.

If he neglected you for work in the past there was a proper way to handle it. You handled it in such a way that you can not fault him for being distant now.


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## LoveMouse (Apr 22, 2012)

TashaB said:


> I dont mean to sound insensitive. I do care for him and love him vary much. It's just that this what it felt like before I had an affair he cared so much about work and not me. But he wasn't like this the first couple years together, he was very passionate.
> 
> And with him not really working on any issues it seems like it will always be like this. Like he wont address our issues but continue to say it's ok.  I honestly cant tell if it's still affecting him because he is the same as he was before I had an affair, distant. More concerned for work than anything else.


You can't change anybody but urself...what is it you want to change about you? What can you do that will "fix" ur mess? This is all you, he didn't make you do anything you didn't want to, the BF was just the guy who was handy, he didn't make you do anything. Think long and hard, put urself in his shoes, what would you want...
Mouse


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

So my wife recently cheated on me, and I am still processing this. So I may be able to offer some insight to your husband. 

Now, I want to make sure I read this correct:
Did you actually ask if you can stay in contact with the OM? Because if you did, I am surprised he didn't kick you out the second you asked. What you just said was "I know I strayed, and had sex with someone else, but I am not ready to give them up emotionally."
Surprised he isn't taking this well? 
How about we reverse the situation and he cheated. Would you be ok with him emailing and talking to the woman he was having the affair with?

As for him immersing himself in work.
This may be his way to dealing with his problem. We all have our own ways, and this is his. 
It almost sounds like he has mentally checked himself out of this marriage. 

Also, how hard have you actually worked to rebuilding his trust? Besides offering your passwords, have you told him you'll be more transparent, and then done it? Like, are you still going out without him? Are you trying to make him feel loved? Are you going out of your way to do any of this?


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## kenken (Jun 21, 2011)

i felt thatmy husband cheated on me,by staying in contact with her ex,altho there were no PA happened since they are on both sides of the world,but then i caught their convey thru Ymessenger,for me its an affair waiting to happen...up until now i cannot look my husband in the eye the same way as i did before,i just wish i knew then what i know now,it will be hard to leave my husband now,we have a daughter..i want to leave him for a long time already, i dont know if i still love him.but i would stay with himi whenever needed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TashaB (Dec 30, 2011)

Thank you to everyone who offered insightful advice. 

His work issue has been addressed in MC. He refuses to believe that it's an issue. 

I have asked him repeatedly and he continues to tell me that he wants this marriage. He says he loves me and wants us to work. I don't think he's going anywhere. 

I just don't know what to do about him working. I want to work on us and feel loved again. I will do the work it takes until we can get there. But with him working all the time there is nothing I can do. He is for the most part unavailable.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Funny how you avoided talking about the other man that everyone's been posting about. So, are you still trying to maintain that friendship or not? I think you already know that that's the reason he's immersing himself at work. You just don't want to admit it because it puts you in a position of having to abandon the friendship with your boyfriend.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You killed the passion when you gave that passion to another man.

It's an ego killer and a heart breaker. You changed your marriage forever.


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## LoveMouse (Apr 22, 2012)

My X did the samthing, blame her cheating on the job, it was all my fault for having the job thing while she was so busy making herself happy....and I love the "A" typical there is nothing I can do crap. Sorry missy, you'll gain no sympathy from me.
Mouse


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

TashaB said:


> His work issue has been addressed in MC. He refuses to believe that it's an issue.


He is correct. It's a symptom, not the issue.

He isn't distanced because he works too much. He works too much because he is distanced. As to the reason for that, well, you know it better than anyone here, even if you don't want to take any blame.


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## TashaB (Dec 30, 2011)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Funny how you avoided talking about the other man that everyone's been posting about. So, are you still trying to maintain that friendship or not? I think you already know that that's the reason he's immersing himself at work. You just don't want to admit it because it puts you in a position of having to abandon the friendship with your boyfriend.


Anyone who thinks I'm not remorseful isn't paying attention. I have already said I'm to blame for the affair. It was my fault and I don't blame my husband. 

No I will not talk about the OM as the last time I did I was called a liar and stopped getting advice. I want advice for my marriage not to talk about things that people will use to try to say that I am lying (when I am not). What good will that do?


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

Well it sounds to me, like you are expecting him to put as much effort into rebuilding the relationship as you should. 
And because he is putting 90% of his effort into his work, the other 10% into his relationship, you feel like you are being neglected. 

Well, who's fault is that?

You were the one who broke the back of the relationship. He didn't do it any favors by working so much, but you were the one that broke the back. 

It honestly sounds to me, like he is just staying with you to avoid having to deal with the expenses of divorce. It is probably cheaper for him. From how you describe the relationship, it sounds like he sees you more as a room mate, and wants to keep it that way, than anything else. 

Anyway, that is just my opinion


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

There is nothing you can do to make him come around. Only he can do that. All you can do is help rebuild the love and trust that you destroyed.

Maybe he'll come around one day or maybe he'll walk out. It's the price we pay when we cheat. If he comes back to you then make sure you don't waste your 2nd chance.

If he leaves you then you learned a very valuable lesson of what not to do in your next relationship.

It's gonna depend on how long you can wait around for him though, or if you're willing to wait for him to come back to you emotionally. It sounds like you're getting a little frustrated right now since it's not moving along as quickly as you think it should.

I'm doing XXX and he's not showing me XXX, not gonna work that way. He's hurt and wounded and he's protecting himself right now.


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## jinba (Apr 26, 2012)

His life will never be the same because of you and your actions and he's angry because he can't change it. He's putting up a wall to protect himself - if he can convince himself not to care, it might not hurt so bad.

Get him back into counseling - you need help penetrating that wall. Otherwise, he's going to throw himself into his work (or other activities) to distract himself from dealing with your infidelity.

Having been on his side of the fence, keeping busy keeps the thoughts at bay - and if we can keep our minds busy enough, we don't have to feel (or deal with) the emotions. It's self destructive behavior, but we don't know what else to do - we don't want to hurt anymore.

Given what you've said, I would also be concerned about his physical well being - stress unaddressed can do major damage.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yes, you take the blame, but you're not giving him HIS emotions.

They don't flip off with a switch. He's probably just so overwhelmed with things, he doesn't know what to do, so he works just to escape.

It's hard to want to be intimate with someone when they treated it so cheaply.


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## jinba (Apr 26, 2012)

TashaB said:


> Anyone who thinks I'm not remorseful isn't paying attention. I have already said I'm to blame for the affair. It was my fault and I don't blame my husband.
> 
> No I will not talk about the OM as the last time I did I was called a liar and stopped getting advice. I want advice for my marriage not to talk about things that people will use to try to say that I am lying (when I am not). What good will that do?


Taking responsibility for your actions is a big step - and feeling true remorse is essential. Kudos for doing a couple of things right - but your job isn't done yet - and may never be.

Right now you need to be supportive and understanding of his feelings. There's no magic bullet that's going to bring him back into the relationship you desire. He needs time to heal - and you need to be patient. You've broken his trust, and it can take years to earn it back. 

Keep doing what you're doing - show him you love him (actions speak louder than words) and stop expecting things from him. He has the weight of the world on his shoulders right now and your expectations are making that burden even heavier to bear.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news but no strategy will work long term if you refuse to stop contact with your affair partner. I understand why you don't want to talk about it but while he's still in the picture you're beyond help.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea. No cake eating allowed.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> What your husband has done is to give you cheap forgiveness. Many conflict avoiders do this. By doing this he has devalued himself in his own eyes. This on top of the feeling that you don't love or value him either. Otherwise you would not have cheated on him and tried to remain friends with the OM. You have hurt him, insulted his manhood, emasculated him, destroyed him. And you want to know why he is distant?
> 
> He is devoting so much of his time to work because frankly he has nothing else. You've proven to him that you don't want him. At least that is what he believes right now. Will this change? Maybe, maybe not. But you need to know that he will never be the same or see you as the same person he fell in love with. That person is dead to him. You need to become a different more empathetic lovable loving woman that he can fall in love with. Right now you are a monster in his eyes. Work on making yourself better for him and see if his attitude changes.


My understanding is that her husband has always, even long before her affair, worked long hours and was seldom home.


This is not new behavior on his part.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> My understanding is that her husband has always, even long before her affair, worked long hours and was seldom home.
> 
> 
> This is not new behavior on his part.


She said he did this before but without hearing his side we don't know for how long or if it was in response to something. What Tasha needs to do is to show true remorse through actions and then hopefully they can start to work on the marriage together. I think her demanding she stay friends with her AP might have been a deal breaker for her husband. I hope not though.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

snap said:


> He is correct. It's a symptom, not the issue.
> 
> He isn't distanced because he works too much. He works too much because he is distanced. As to the reason for that, well, you know it better than anyone here, even if you don't want to take any blame.


So why did he work like this long before she had and affair? 

Her affair does not explain his behavior and his distance before she had the affair.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TashaB said:


> Thank you to everyone who offered insightful advice.
> 
> His work issue has been addressed in MC. He refuses to believe that it's an issue.
> 
> ...


How many hours a week does he work on average?

Does he travel a lot for business? If so about what percentage of the time does he travel?

How has his work pattern changed since the affair, how has the amount of time he works changed?


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> So why did he work like this long before she had and affair?
> 
> Her affair does not explain his behavior and his distance before she had the affair.


Yeah, I feel like I'm missing a lot in this story too.


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## Badsmit (Dec 29, 2011)

The problem you are having is you continue to look to him as the lead and for affection and validation (by passion and or spending time) You HAVE TO DECIDE WHAT TYPE OF RELATIONSHIP YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE AND BUILD it WITHOUT ANY Guarantees that he will reciprocate your feelings and ACTIONS (He may not stay). You need to reinvent yourself and prove to him YOU ARE WORTH HIS TIME. The password thing I do with my wife (I Don't Care but if she gives me a reason to leave she may get hurt from the shockwave/speed by which I exit). What's with the instant gratification (STOP IT). A Good marriage is for life and that’s how long it may take you to start a new. From personal experience you DO NOT look the same in his eyes and everything he did to keep you seems wasted. DO NOT EXPECT HIM TO DO THE SAME THINGS AS THE END RESULT WAS YOU CHEATINGING. You have to figure out who he is NOW and how can you get to his heart. If you are planning to leave him because you ruined your marriage then HE is Better off without you because it shows you can’t own your mistakes and make amends. Learn who he is now and try to spend as much time with him as possible without smothering him and make yourself available to him for whatever (within reason) he wants. There will come a situation where you can prove your love and commitment to him, be wise enough to recognize it. If he turns to you for emotional support then you will be on the right path to a new good marriage. If he keeps to himself and suffers alone sorry but... you tried and your marriage is DEAD.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

*I cheated and was wrong I know that really. It seems my H doesn't love me as passionately as he did before. I fear he'll never love me like he used to. I know people here have been through this. Did you ever love your WS as much after you found out about the affair? 

He says that part of him still doesn't trust me. I don't know if I can continue on if he is going to hold this over my head the rest of my life and not forgive me. I try to do what I can so he can forgive but it never seems like enough. I want his love back but I don't know that it will ever come.*

This was the original post. Nothing about working too much. The statement made was that "*H doesn't love me as passionately as he did before. I fear he'll never love me like he used to*." The clear implication is that Tasha feels her husband's feelings towards her have changed as a result of the affair. She is asking if betrayeds ever love waywards as much after finding out about the affair.

*The answer to your question, Tasha, is that the trust never fully returns.* To what degree is dependent on each individual person and the circumstances of the affair. If you immediately agreed to no contact ever again, theoretically your husband's trust would come back sooner than if you argued that you should still be able to have contact with your great good lifelong friend who you screwed with.

*As far as passion returning*, in some cases it returns just as strong, in some cases it doesn't, in some cases it is even stronger. Even in a marriage with complete fidelity, passion can come and go. There is much more than infidelity at play here.

You state, *"I try to do what I can so he can forgive but it never seems like enough."*

*What is it specifically that you have done or tried to do so he can forgive?*

I will give you some suggestions. I can't guarantee they will work. Do not tell me you've asked your husband and he says he doesn't care whether you do these things. Even if that is the case, it may help if you do these things anyway, unless he has specifically demanded that you not do them. There is a big difference between telling someone, "I don't care if you do that for me, you really don't have to" and telling someone, "I really don't want you to do that for me, I would prefer you didn't do it." I think if you do these things, and haven't done them yet, it might help your husband get over this quicker.

1. Handwrite a no contact letter to the other man. In the letter, state how horribly ashamed you are of your behavior and how terrible you feel for risking your marriage and hurting the person you love the most in this world, your husband. Include in the letter that the other man should never try to contact you again and that, if he does, you will file harassment charges against him. Sign the letter and give it to your husband along with an envelope addressed to the other man.

2. Have a talk with your husband. Tell him that you made several incredibly bad choices by being fooled so badly regarding the other man's intentions, sleeping with the other man, and then arguing that you should be able to keep him as a friend. Tell your husband that he is 1,000 times better of a man than the other man. Tell your husband that you know that the other man was just a lying loser who pretended to be your friend just so he could split you up from your husband and sleep with you and that the thought of the other man repulses you.

3. Write down or email all of your passwords to your husband. Do not change them unless you tell your husband before you change them.

4. Leave your phone unlocked and leave it laying around when you are not using it so your husband could access it anytime he wanted to without having to ask you for it.

5. Let your husband know your whereabouts at all times. Just a short message before you go somewhere saying where you're going and what time you will be back. Let him know if you are running late.

6. Be enthusiastic towards your husband. Be enthusiastic when you are saying goodbye to him in the morning, and when he comes home at night, and all times you communicate with him in between. Tell him how much you love him and how sexy you think he is whenever you communicate with him. Initiate sex with him. If he rejects you, try again the next day or the day after that.

7. Ask your husband what traits of yours does he like? What ones doesn't he like?

8. Make plans to do the things you did with your husband before the affair. Make plans to go on dates that you know your husband would like. You make the plans and do all of the work involved in setting it up.

9. Talk to your husband about things other than your marriage. Talk about sports, current events, what's going on with family members, at work, etc. Try to make your marriage more fun and less work.

*I honestly cant tell if it's still affecting him because he is the same as he was before I had an affair, distant. More concerned for work than anything else.*

In your first post in this thread, you say things aren't the same now as before the affair. 

Then, a few posts later, you say that things are the same now as before the affair. 

Which is it?

Also, what is it specifically that you have done or tried to do so he can forgive?


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

If people resent their spouses for working long hours when they were doing so before the marriage, just what did they expect would cause a change? Not every guy is going to knock down a living wage by working at a forty hour job and if he or she isn't doing it before the marriage, it's going to take a lot of luck for it to happen after.
Divorce is a far better choice than sending the "bee" off to work so whomever stays at home can play.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

She came here to get suggestions for how to make her husband a better cuckold and doormat so that she can have her cake and eat it too.

I can understand that she is upset with her husbands behavior, why cant he get over it and allow her to have her Fuc*k buddy. Why he cant take her out for dinner and say he don't mind being a doormat and cuckold, he is definitely a mean and a jealous person.

Tasha take it positively, now he is working, you had lot of time to be with you FB, enjoy your life without much peeping from your H. Wah its horrible that even after you offering your password, he didn't trust you, even after you told him your FB is only a friend he didn't believe you!!!!!!!!!!

I dont know why you are still with him? Leave him, let him die missing you, let him come crawling on his knees for trying to separate you from OM (but find a big heart to forgive him, when he comes begging)

But I also don't know, why he is still with you?


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

TashaB said:


> He says that part of him still doesn't trust me. I don't know if I can continue on if he is going to hold this over my head the rest of my life and not forgive me. I try to do what I can so he can forgive but it never seems like enough.


 It has been only 4 months since you broke no contact (NC) with the other man (OM) and asked your husband if you could resume having the OM in your life again. You told your husband that the OM was sorry for crossing the line and wanted to be just friends again. This turned out to be far from the truth as the OM told you that he always loved you, got you an engagement ring, asked you to leave your husband, and asked you to marry him. Your husband does not trust you because you are not trustworthy. 

In reading your posts it sounds like you are looking to leave your husband and are using his working hours as an excuse. Knowing that the OM is out there for you, you feel empowered to make demands of your husband, with you even posting that if he does not address your concerns soon it will end in divorce. Until you are really sincere in committing to your husband 100% without using the OM as an option, he will never heal and will not begin to trust you again. Until you make him feel secure in the relationship, he will not be secure and will continue to put the wall up.

BTW, in this bad economy, with so many people struggling to find work and to pay their bills, many women would give their eye teeth to have a husband like yours. I work long hours and travel for business and have done so for 20+ years, yet my wife cherishes the time we do spend together and makes me feel loved. You may want to give that a try, but you wont as long as keep the OM is in your heart as a viable option waiting for you.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

TashaB said:


> I just don't know what to do about him working. *I want to work on us and feel loved again.* I will do the work it takes until we can get there. But with him working all the time there is nothing I can do. He is for the most part unavailable.


Interesting choice of words. It is all about you. Not working to heal your husband, to love him or to give him peace, but about working on your marriage so that *YOU *feel loved again. Consistent with your past hurtful behavior.

I think you need to re-orient yourself. For now, quit focusing on what you need and work on helping your husband. Work on helping him heal and regaining some trust. You focusing on his work probably comes across as you blaming him for the affair - if he did not work so much and was a better man and husband, you would not have cheated. Whether that is your intent or not, it does not communicate you taking responsibility for your poor choices. 

You need to be selfless for a while and focus on him. Show him that investing in this relationship is worth it. That will take some time. Once he gets there, you can then start addressing both of your issues.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Tasha, we remember your other thread and also remember your evasive and selfish attitude. So , if you truly want good advice you need to be straight with us. Are you or are you not , in contact with the OM or his family? It's a simple question. Answer it and we can carry on with helping you. AS long as you're being evasive, you are wasting our time and yours.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

Oh hell, the man works too much? Perhaps it makes him feel like he's needed and worthy when his wife showed him otherwise? He probably triggers in that house considering the OM proposed to you in the back yard! 

I know you claim overworking was a problem pre-affair, but I say you drop it for at least a year and work on yourself without telling him he needs to change anything. Meanwhile, keep yourself on a strict budget for that year. Allow the savings to pile up in the bank so he can feel comfortable working less. I don't care if you already have a million in the bank, just show him money isn't what's important to you. Again, don't TELL him, just show him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

OK, here is what you ARE doing........and what you are NOT doing. You are trickle-truthing, being evasive and deceitful, still in contact with the OM, and being selfish. You are NOT being transparent and honest, ending ALL contact with the OM, or putting your husband 's feelings first. Which do YOU think has the greater chance of success? Until you change YOUR attitude, how can you expect your husband to change his? You need to do it NOW, btw, because it looks to me as if your husband has had enough of your lies and is waiting for the opportunity to leave you. He has every right to do so.


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## jinba (Apr 26, 2012)

Can't believe anyone would have the audacity to ask their BS if they could still be friends with OM - duh, no wonder he's working so much - I'd stay away too!


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

WhereAmI said:


> I know you claim overworking was a problem pre-affair, but I say you drop it for at least a year and work on yourself without telling him he needs to change anything.


 When you say pre-affair you actually mean pre-physical affair (PA), as her husband has good reason to believe that she has always been in an emotional affair (EA) with the other man (OM) their entire marriage. 

With the OM finally admitting what the husband has always suspected (and the wife denying), that the OM has always been in love with the wife and was thus not just a friend (or a friend of the marraige), the husband has realized that his wife has never let him be the only man in her life. Since she has never really ever been 100% committed to only him, he is now doing some deep soul searching about his life and his marriage.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Tasha's back? I remember this one. OM has been in the marriage the ENTIRE time, and I bet the BH has been resenting this because he doesn't feel comfortable and TashaB has refused to cut off contact. Geez, no wonder he threw himself into his work. Personally, I wouldn't have done that, I would have told her that if he's such an important part of her life, then she should marry him instead.

Now, the BHs fears became a reality with TashaB going PA. OM goes into stalker mode, she contacts him, and he shows up on their porch with a ring. Then he shows up again at her work with a ring.

She started a thread in the general relationship forum about how men and women can be platonic friends, failing to mention that she already slept with this platonic friend. It seemed she wants to justify having OM in her life.

TashaB, if you're reading this: If you have any compassion left in you, let your BH go. He deserves a woman that will only have him in her heart and is devoted to him totally. You cannot let your OM go, he's been in your life for a long time now and it's ruined your marriage.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

I sell cars. I get 6 days off a month. only 2 with my wife off the same day. She goes to work at 7 in the morning. Every other day I work to 9 or until the car deal is done (generally about 11). Guess what, that's what it takes to survive during a depression. Unemployment rate is at 8.1% (total bu11sh!t). IN APRIL ALONE 522,000 PEOPLE IN 9 STATES HAD THEIR UNEMPLOYMENT DISCONTINUED AND WERE TAKEN OFF OF THE UNEMPLOYMENT ROLLS. AND WE NOW HAVE THE LEAST AMOUNT OF JOBS IN AMERICA SINCE 1981. 

And you are whining about your husbands long hours at work. And not being able to still be friends with the guy who skrewed you. There are about 25 million women in this country that deserve him more then you. I hope he wakes up and realizes it. What a spoiled little skank.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

initfortheduration, she will figure it out one he puts her stuff at the door step and she's out on her own. It's likely he has been financing her affair, all along.


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