# Anything I need to know before divorce?



## Gloomy (Nov 9, 2015)

Hello everybody,

My STBXH wants to see me to discuss divorce paperwork. Apparently, he already knows exactly what he is willing to give me and what not. He says moneywise, he finds 20% of the entire savings to be fair. I don't really feel ready to talk about this, mainly because I have no idea what my rights are..I have been trying to delay this for a while because this topic makes me very uncomfortable. 

Does there exist a list on this forum which contains what a woman`s rights are in regards to divorce? I have used the "search" function but no luck.

What did the women here in this forum ask for or agree on? How does all that work? I am pretty clueless about it, and I don't want to meet unprepared.

By the way, there are no kids to worry about.


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## HeartbrokenW (Sep 26, 2012)

My situation is not typical.. but here's how mine went:
We have shared legal custody of our daughter. I have primary physical custody. He moved 2000 miles away so she only sees him during the summer. He walked away and basically gave me everything. He kept his clothes, tools, his truck. I kept my car and most of the furnishings. He signed off on the house, the equity and my retirement. I agreed to no child support. Our daughter was 13 yrs old when he left and I was always the primary breadwinner anyway. He kept his bills and I kept mine. I refinanced the house into my name before the divorce was final. I don't think it could have gone any smoother.

Don't settle for 20%......


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Gloomy said:


> Hello everybody,
> 
> My STBXH wants to see me to discuss divorce paperwork. Apparently, he already knows exactly what he is willing to give me and what not. He says he finds 20% of the entire savings to be fair. I don't really feel ready to talk about this, mainly because I have no idea what my rights are..I have been trying to delay this for a while because this topic makes me very uncomfortable.
> 
> ...


It varies a great deal state by state as to rights. You should speak with legal counsel, many offer free first time consults. You spouse is probably low balling you at 20% and it's not really up to him what he us willing to "give". 

The assets/liabilities of the marriage, length of marriage, kids all have factors


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Gloomy said:


> Hello everybody,
> 
> My STBXH wants to see me to discuss divorce paperwork. Apparently, he already knows exactly what he is willing to give me and what not. He says he finds *20% of the entire savings *to be fair. I don't really feel ready to talk about this, mainly because I have no idea what my rights are..I have been trying to delay this for a while because this topic makes me very uncomfortable.
> 
> ...


Hahaha, what? How is 20% fair? 50% is standard. There are two of you, you should each walk away with half.

Tell him to give you the divorce paperwork and you'll read it over and get back to him in a few days. Bring it to a lawyer. A lawyer will tell you what's fair.

Don't ignore the topic because it's uncomfortable, or he'll get his way and shortchange you out of a fair settlement. What he is 'willing' to give you is probably not what you would really get, but he is trying to browbeat you into accepting it.


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## Gloomy (Nov 9, 2015)

Thank you for the responses so far. Apart from the money, he would leave me one of the cars and all the furniture he left when he moved out of our apartment. Even though he says that he prefers to agree on something amicably, he is threatening that if I am planning to go for more, he will lawyer up, and find a way to hide his money or use it to pay his dad`s house off.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Gloomy said:


> Thank you for the responses so far. Apart from the money, he would leave me one of the cars and all the furniture he left when he moved out of our apartment. Even though he says that he prefers to agree on something amicably, he is threatening that if I am planning to go for more, he will lawyer up, and find a way to hide his money or use it to pay his dad`s house off.


All idle threats on his part. Hiding money doesn't really work, paying his dad's house is easy to trace and Lawyers know most of the games and can and will uncover his plans.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Gloomy said:


> Hello everybody,
> 
> My STBXH wants to see me to discuss divorce paperwork. Apparently, he already knows exactly what he is willing to give me and what not. He says moneywise, he finds 20% of the entire savings to be fair. I don't really feel ready to talk about this, mainly because I have no idea what my rights are..I have been trying to delay this for a while because this topic makes me very uncomfortable.
> 
> ...


Your marital property rights are found in the laws of Virginia, so they may be very different than those of women of other states. In general, though, the person most motivated in any transaction gets the short end of the stick.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Gloomy said:


> Thank you for the responses so far. Apart from the money, he would leave me one of the cars and all the furniture he left when he moved out of our apartment. Even though he says that he prefers to agree on something amicably, he is threatening that if I am planning to go for more, he will lawyer up, and find a way to hide his money or use it to pay his dad`s house off.


There is a problem with him trying to hide the money. It's called a paper trail. Unless he keeps the money buried somewhere, money can be traced. Your lawyer can subpoena all of the financial paperwork going back a few years.

How have the two of you kept your finances? Are they separate? Or were they joint while you were together?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Gloomy said:


> Thank you for the responses so far. Apart from the money, he would leave me one of the cars and all the furniture he left when he moved out of our apartment. Even though he says that he prefers to agree on something amicably, he is threatening that if I am planning to go for more, he will lawyer up, and find a way to hide his money or use it to pay his dad`s house off.


He is not leaving you anything. The wording makes is sound like he is 'gifting' you things and money. The fact is that YOU OWN 50% of everything. 

He will not be giving you anything. You will be taking your fair share. That is the attitude you need to have.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do the two of you own a house together?

Is his name on the deed for his father's house?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Gloomy,

I just read your older threads. You have been married 3-4 years, right? 

He is leaving you because you refuse to do swinging. Has he been cheating? swinging? etc? this information makes a difference in Virginia.

How much of the savings was his money before you married?

How much did the two of you save and invest while married?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sorry about all the short posts here tonight, but I'm looking things up for you.

In Virginia, divorce laws are the same for men and for women. There are no special rights for either gender.

Virginia is an equitable distribution state. Here is a line to read about it. If you search on terms like "Virginia divorce asset distribution", etc you can find more info.

Division of Marital Property in Virginia | DivorceNet.com

In an equitable distribution state, sometimes the person who earned less during the marriage will get more of the assets because they will need it to start a new life. So you never know how the courts will distribute the assets.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Virginia, divorce and adultery

Virginia is one of the few states that still allows for fault divorce based on adultery. Adultery can be used by the court for cause to give the betrayed spouse a larger portion of partial property. In your case, I think that you might be able to make the case that you have been injured by him in that you married him in good faith and now he wants a divorce because you will not swing with him... aka you will not commit adultery with along with him. By moving out, your husband has also abandoned you. That's an other issue in Virginia divorce.

Here are some links.

Adultery in Divorce Law in Virginia | A Virginia lawyer explores how adultery affects divorce, spousal support, equitable distribution, child custody, child visitation and child support in Virginia.

Adultery and Divorce in Virginia

Filing for Divorce in Virginia With Adultery & Abandonment | LegalZoom: Legal Info

By the way, if your husband earns more than you do, you can file for interim spousal support. That is spousal support that is paid until the divorce is final. I don't know if you would be eligible for alimony since you have been married for a short while. In some states, alimony can be for half the length of the marriage for short term marriages.

If you search the web, you can find a lot of info on divorce in your state. You also need to talk to a lawyer. Some layers will allow you to pay by the hour for consultation instead of wanting thousands up front to handle a divorce.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

honcho said:


> All idle threats on his part. Hiding money doesn't really work, paying his dad's house is easy to trace and Lawyers know most of the games and can and will uncover his plans.


My ex did this with his mother's house. I was able to find the cancelled checks.

Because he 'wasted martial assets' on his mother's house, I got our house free can clear in the divorce settlement. He was beyond pissed. Oh well, trying to screw someone over can back fire.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

20% of the assets can be "fair" if he is keeping the vast majority of the debts. Look at the total assets and debts and go from there as a starting point with each getting 50%. For example, if you have $100K of assets and $80K of debts, then him offering $20K without any of the debts is in your benefit (100-80=20K, then your half should be 10K). However, if you have $100K of assets and $20K of debts, then it isn't equitable (100-20=80K, then your half should be 40K). You can agree to a division that isn't 50% and generally most courts will approve it. My XWW chose to ask for less than 50% and the judge rubber stamped it. We did it that way because it was the only way I would be able to keep the house and minimize disruptions in our kid's lives (e.g. by keeping my house the kids kept their same rooms, same school bus, etc. for the 50% of the time that I have them). It was definitely a bad financial move on her part though and I expect it to have serious consequences for her in the future.


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## Gloomy (Nov 9, 2015)

Thank you Elegirl and everyone else who replied.
We don't have a house together. In regards to the savings, he says he has had these savings before our marriage. I don't know how to find out what savings we made during the past three years. We have been married for three, however, he moved out in April last year.
I don't have any clear proof of the swinging or infidelity. He immediately changed his passwords everywhere where I could have found out something. But I was not trying to go for adultery in marriage anyway actually. I still want the outcome to be fair though. We didn't have a mutual bank account (I was naïve and stupid...), he gave me solely a credit card for his account that I could use when I needed something. Seems like he took well care of everything even before we married.

I don't know what to do about the threat to pay his dads house off.
There are no major debts by the way.


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