# Just need people to talk to outside of my marriage



## Edfranks (Oct 27, 2014)

Im sure other people have this problem. My wife and I have been together for almost 7yrs we have a 6 yr old boy and have been married for 2 and half 2yrs. Recently we have grown distant but still love each other very much. We have a lot of mutual friends and still go out as if we were best friends. Now my issue is because we share the same friends it is hard to get any real advise from them. Now we do share a guy friend that lives out of state that my wife talks to and and he does give her advise on what as men we are feeling. I do have to throw this in there a couple of months ago we were all together at a function and we all had way to many drinks. My wife can be flirty and that has never bothered me before. But this time she had kissed him and I realize this could be to intoxication. When I confronted her she barely remembered it and was very sorry it happend, so I forgave her and let it go.Now 2 weeks ago we went away to another function and he was there and got sick. Once again my wife and I had to much to drink and got separated. I could not find her for 2 hrs. Now my head is spinning and I start thinking she is with him. When I do find her I accuse her of sleeping with him. Come to find out she had gone out to the car and fell asleep. And all our friends confirmed our other friend was in his room alone all day throwing up. So after this blowup by me she does tell me that her and Jim are just friends and has only been talking because I have not been showing enough her enough affection at home and he is someone to talk to. Now I do believe her and now that we are talking I understand her needs a little better I belive we can get though this. I have seen the text between them and the FB messages so I know its just talk and nothing else. Now here lies the problem she says she only tals to him about our issues and not our more close friends because she does not want our friends thinking badly of me. so in return who does that leave me to talk to.? Just needed to be heard thank you


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

One of the main problems I am seeing is that your wife is getting some of her emotional needs met by another man (aka "friend"). In so many words that is what she is telling you. That, to me, is an emotional affair. Your wife is confiding in him about your relationship is a huge no-no to me. The only man she needs to confide in is her own husband.

Have you considered marriage counseling?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Before I start I will tell you that "friends" have been the biggest walls and obsticles when it came to our relationship/marriage. Many simply were jealous, didn't have a healthy relationship and wanted ours to be degraded....and how far they would go was simply appauling.

First and foremost, RECOGNIZE the person in front of you. A person that kisses your wife IS NOT A FRIEND. And if they were before, now they shouldn't be.

2nd, it's not just a matter of SORRY from your wife. If she drank and make a mistake, CLEARLY she shouldn't be drinking.

ANY Woman knows that alcohol is an easy way for a men to get her to do what she wouldn't do otherwise. That's why part of ADULTHOOD is exercising responsibility and not getting to that point. 

No ONE should EVER get to a point where they lose control of themselves.

Your wife messed up and you are playing along as she keeps making the same mistake right in front of you. 

She needs to LIMIT herself when it comes to alcohol. ALSO this friendship is DONE.

She not only cheated by kissing another men but chances are she has fantasized about this prior (read: emotional affair).

Not good OP, not good at all.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening Edfranks
I'm going to take a different approach on this - you should BOTH dramatically reduce your drinking. Anyone who kisses someone they wouldn't normally kiss due to drink is drinking TOO MUCH. Anyone who is so drunk that they go out to the car to sleep is drinking TOO MUCH.

It is possible to have a great time at a party without getting blotto- or if the party is no fun when you are sober, maybe you need to find better parties.....


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening Edfranks
> I'm going to take a different approach on this - you should BOTH dramatically reduce your drinking. Anyone who kisses someone they wouldn't normally kiss due to drink is drinking TOO MUCH. Anyone who is so drunk that they go out to the car to sleep is drinking TOO MUCH.
> 
> It is possible to have a great time at a party without getting blotto- or if the party is no fun when you are sober, maybe you need to find better parties.....


If any of the above is the case = alcoholism/time to stop drinking


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## Edfranks (Oct 27, 2014)

Ok guys the drinking is not the problem here , so we both have enjoyed ourselves to much at one time or another. This was never a problem. This only happened after the fact that the 2 of us stopped talking to each other about or issues at home. I should have told her about my needs and she should have told me about hers. I do look at it this way if this kiss did not happen I think we both would have kept going on living like roomates. Neither one of us wants to hurt the other we just let life get in the way


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Edfranks said:


> Ok guys the drinking is not the problem here


You are in denial, and we can't really help at this point.

You are saying that drinking is not a problem when you CLEARLY said that it was due alcohol. 

Good luck, you are going to need it.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

The fact that she is talking to her friend about the problems in you marriage is a problem all by its self. He is meeting an emotional need that you have left unmet and that is how affairs begin. As far as who to talk to. How about your wife. If you want someone to listen and to bounce ideas off. Shoot me a message. I've been where it seems you are. 

Read His Needs Her Needs (how to affair proof your marriage) it will open your eyes to what could happen between your wife and her guy friend. 

Ray
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Edfranks (Oct 27, 2014)

Ok I should not say drinking was not the problem. In these 2 incidents it played a huge role in it. Although you are only judging on the point of the drinking, you do not know if maybe she drank way to much those nights because she was angry with me and yes I know that should not be an excuse .Very rarely do we drink at home and thats only if we have company. We are not bar rats. Some people also can not handle their liqueur.I do see all of your points however that was not my main concern.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

What I find so interesting is that she would choose to bring up that fact that she is talking to Jim because you haven't been affectionate enough towards her. Yes, this may not be categorized as a physical affair (but the kiss is out of bounds...even with alcohol being factored in).

On the other hand, she had admitted here that she is substituting her talks with Jim over what she claims you aren't providing. That is technically looking outside the marriage for needs...and that would basically constitute an emotional affair or the beginning of one.

The fact that you accused them of physically cheating, while perhaps not having any evidentiary grounds, it appears to me that your reaction may have very well put a potential affair on hold...as emotional support can quickly turn into infatuation and a full-blown affair.

I say move quickly to get things fixed ASAP...and that mean telling her to not contact this guy any more and then take the initiative to work things out with her. If you can't seem to figure it out, then get a professional (which I suggest you should do first thing).

You should be paying attention to her reaction when you ask her to avoid this guy. She may get mad, but stick to your guns. Being mad and telling you to eff-off is not entirely a bad thing. If she just grows cold, pulls away, while saying "I'm fine, nothing's wrong" while being more secretive about her goings and comings, then Houston, we have a problem.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Edfranks said:


> My wife and I have been together for almost 7yrs...Recently we have grown distant...


You understand "7 year itch" isn't just a random saying, right? So, she's getting bored in her relationship. Check.




Edfranks said:


> But this time she had kissed him...


Uh oh. So cmfortable kissing him she felt she could do it right in front of you? What kind of kiss? Peck on the cheek? Peck on the lips? Tongue? If it's the last one, hold on while I reach through this computer screen and slap you.




Edfranks said:


> she says she only talks to him about our issues and not our more close friends because she does not want our friends thinking badly of me.


Talking to a single man about your marital problems means "I am in discussions with a new suitor about having a physical relationship with him". Do you REALLY think this guy gives a rat's a$$ about your wife's marriage issues? Do you REALLY think you WIFE thinks he gives a crap about your marriage issues? And she's talking down about you the whole time, right? She doesn't want the others to know what an ******* you are. Not too much "I'm not good enough for him" in those convos.

You're going to get the spying advice now. Take it. Let us know what you find out. I'm betting everything on physical affair. Too bad everyone is going to key in on your drinking problem. You may or may not have one, but I can GUARANTEE that when you find wifey with this guy, "I was so drunk I don't even remember" will be part of the conversation.

New guy who is there for her when she needs someone because you are too much of a jackass? She's getting distant? Talks to him on Facebook and via text? 

And do explain about that kiss a little more.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

FormerSelf said:


> You should be paying attention to her reaction when you ask her to avoid this guy. She may get mad, but stick to your guns.


And if that happens, it's just a matter of time before she does cheat for the 2nd time.

And alcohol consumptions still remains an issue that's not dealt with. I would say 1-2 drink MAXIMUM (especially if you guys don't drink at home or regular basis).


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## Edfranks (Oct 27, 2014)

Here is where my issue stands. I was married before and the ex full out cheated on me. My current wife and I now are working on things we do talk more and flirt with each other like we did when we first met. I can see we may get through this. I know how to find out the truths of cheating and I know this talking to another guy is one of the signs. I have started to see the spark in her eye again. Now like I said I believe this kiss was a reality check and may have given us a new start .


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

DoF said:


> You are in denial, and we can't really help at this point.
> 
> You are saying that drinking is not a problem when you CLEARLY said that it was due alcohol.
> 
> Good luck, you are going to need it.


Just because they have too much too drink once in a while (he didn't say it's at every occasion), does not mean they have drinking problem. You never drunk too much?


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

FormerSelf said:


> On the other hand, she had admitted here that she is substituting her talks with Jim over what she claims you aren't providing. That is technically looking outside the marriage for needs...and that would basically constitute an emotional affair or the beginning of one.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


You are missing one very important thing in your advise to get things fixed ASAP - start paying more attention to your wife, be more affectionate, work together on the issues. Your only advise is to become her policeman. 

The OP wife practically told him what she is missing in their relationship, very openly. Get the other guy out of the picture, and continue the conversation just between two of you.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

WandaJ said:


> Just because they have too much too drink once in a while (he didn't say it's at every occasion), does not mean they have drinking problem. You never drunk too much?


I think when you drunkenly kiss strangers, it's a problem.

And going to lie down in the car because she was too drunk? Yep, huge problem. Why didn't she just tell her husband she didn't feel well and wanted to go home? Come on, ya just don't get to disappear from a party...it makes people worried.


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## interesting (Oct 27, 2014)

I am glad to see how optimistic you are as her husband. We all act differently with a few drinks….she however, stepped over the line with the kiss. She was being disrespectful to you. BUT…..you are talking now…flirting with each other….and like I said …you are very optimistic. I wish you well.

Continue listening and sharing………not all men are willing to do that. Don't give up on the relationship if you truly believe it is worth it.

A little advice…….Believe your wife………have all the facts before you accuse her of anything. She should do the same. I haven't always been believed in our relationship….and that hurts.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Edfranks said:


> Here is where my issue stands. I was married before and the ex full out cheated on me. My current wife and I now are working on things we do talk more and flirt with each other like we did when we first met. I can see we may get through this. I know how to find out the truths of cheating and I know this talking to another guy is one of the signs. I have started to see the spark in her eye again. Now like I said I believe this kiss was a reality check and may have given us a new start.


You both got of course and let it go adrift. Get the book Ray suggested to you earlier and get to work on putting your marriage back to where it belongs. 

Here is the link... His Needs, Her Needs

Here's another... Boundaries in Marriage

Think about MC too.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

WandaJ said:


> Your only advise is to become her policeman. *My advise is that he sets boundaries first...not to pen her in, but to declare his expectations of a healthy marriage. I am not saying that her desires for more affection in the relationship is not valid...but he shouldn't overlook a glaring item which is that she was close to crossing the line. If she so chooses to work it out evidenced by NC, then OP should throw out all the stops to reconcile with his wife. *
> 
> The OP wife practically told him what she is missing in their relationship, very openly. Get the other guy out of the picture, and continue the conversation just between two of you.*Agreed.*


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