# new here: proof of impending PA, do I intervene?



## MarriageEjected

I am new, but have been a reader for a while. my W has been having sort of flirty texting with an old friend of ours (older married cop with kids), she doesnt know that I have seen any of the messages. all sudden she now has made herself a trip with my daughter to go see this friend and their family, while staying at her uncles. There is texting indicating they plan to get together thou of course not specific about anything, however I think a PA is very likely.
I dont have lot time right now but I will check in tomorrow again with more details, my question is do I intervene now and stop this dead on its tracks or let the chips fall where they may and let her have her PA....am so confused and have read so much am not sure what to do....if someone doesnt want to be with me let them do whatever they want....am not going to stop her if this is who she is to be able to do something like this and ruin her marriage....am terrified, hurt , angry but trying keep my cool and not blow anything up just yet.....the trip is around new years, several states away...married for 14yrs, 3 kids....am not aware of any issues in our marriage....all is well as far as am aware.


----------



## Tasorundo

I think you have to call her on it. Get your proof that you have, get it secure, and talk to her. I don't think you can let it wait until she goes.


----------



## Marc878

You expose the messages to his wife immediately. Without warning!!!! Let them deal with the fallout.

If you tell your wife she'll warn him and they'll make you out to be a jealous crazy husband.

You don't wait for it to happen!!!! You can deal with your wife after the blow up.


----------



## The Middleman

MarriageEjected said:


> my question is do I intervene now and stop this dead on its tracks or let the chips fall where they may and let her have her PA


Yes, you intervene. You take screen shots of the texts keep them for yourself. You confront and you just tell her you don't want her to go and you forbid her to see him. If she goes anyway, follow her and physically insert yourself into their meeting. Don't sit on your hands, you'll regret it.


----------



## Tasorundo

I would also agree that if you can get in touch with the wife, you send her the screen shots.


----------



## TX-SC

Honesty is generally best. Tell her what you know and tell her if she goes on this trip your marriage is over. Then send the flirty messages to his wife and tell her both what you know and what you suspect. Your wife will be pissed. Your friend will be pissed. You will have acted responsibly and can live your life knowing you did the right thing. 

You then need to sit your wife down and have a long talk about the future of your relationship and her issues with boundaries.


----------



## 225985

You have to ask? I can see why she prefers a macho cop. 

You don't deny her going. That is her choice. You just tell her the marriage is over when she returns.


----------



## SunCMars

The Middleman said:


> Yes, you intervene. You take screen shots of the texts keep them for yourself. You confront and you just tell her you don't want her to go and you forbid her to see him. *If she goes anyway, follow her and physically insert yourself into their meeting. Don't sit on your hands, you'll regret it.*


Me? I would let her go. I would also do one of the following:

Be gone when she returns. Let her know that you know.

Hire a PI to track her movements. Photograph them together, etc. 

Drive up yourself and blow their affair up. 
.........................................................................................................................................................................................
The others on TAM want you to stop this madness. Stop it in the hope that you can rebuild your marriage...before she steps off the cliff.

In my mind, she is already airborne. She has no parachute. Are you going to stand at the bottom of the cliff and stop her fall with your marital mattress? That mattress may be soiled already. Is this her first affair?

She is already broken. She has given her heart away. It beats, not for you, but for some older dude, a policeman with children. Wow, he is a stand-up guy, right?

You will regret it? That regret has knocked you flat on your back. *You wasted all those years with her. Now, she pulls this crap!*


Hairy Kristna....I cannot say the real holiday that is coming. This is not a joyous time for you.


----------



## SunCMars

blueinbr said:


> You have to ask? I can see why she prefers a macho cop.
> 
> You don't deny her going. That is her choice. You just tell her the marriage is over when she returns.


Amen, 

Yes. Uh...huuuh!

Make this a Blue Christmas. Follow blueinbr's advice.

Oh, this cop is not macho. *He is a thief, a cheating cowardly wimp.* He steals other men's wives in the dark of the night. I bet his wife will not think he is macho when she and the kids find out what a snake he is. Is he upholding the law? No, *another rat in a hat with a badge.*


----------



## GusPolinski

If you wait to confront until AFTER she's gone on the trip, she'll lie, deny, and gaslight the Hell out of you.

She'll also delete the messages, wipe her phone, delete all of her e-mail, etc.

AND she'll take the affair underground, which will make your life Hell.

So here's what you do --

1. Back up any and all evidence FIRST. Be sure to store everything in _at least_ two different Cloud-based locations so that she can't get to it. Register the accounts to a new e-mail address, and use unique passwords for each of the new accounts.

2. Confront your WW w/ knowledge of the EA. Also be sure to let her know that a) the trip is now cancelled, and b) she'll be cutting any and all contact w/ OM going forward.

Unless, that is, she'd prefer to divorce.

3. Expose to OMW. Be prepared to forward evidence to her as needed.

If your WW refuses to cut contact w/ OM, attempts to gaslight you, etc, expose the affair to her family as well.

And _then_ file for divorce.


----------



## ABHale

Gus laid it out for you. The only thing I would add is if she goes on the trip. Once she leaves, pack her stuff up and tell her where she can find it. 

Make sure you let her family know what is going on. 

Also, do you want your kids around this guy?


----------



## MarriageEjected

I understand some of the feedback, however one thing I have read that makes a lot of sense is to NEVER ever give away your source of information, and I dont want to do this because who knows when I might need it again, so I prefer not to disclose anything about how I found out. I am actually a software engineer and work for one of the big cellco carriers, which our family plan is on of course, so my ability to see information on her phone is virtually unlimited, w/o ever having to put a finger on her phone.
I already have multiple copies of all the evidence, so thats not an issue, its stored in extremely secure locations within company servers and multiple crypto layers, its safe.

So what if I stop the PA, then what? she has already shown her intent and this is whats killing me. I mean this guy this ugly as sin and heavier, older than me,.....wtf?? if I stop the PA will she come to terms with herself? or will I have to chase her and spy on her from now on?? am not up to that, am way too busy and have an intense career for that nonsense. I am so lost, I cant concentrate for anything, dont know how much longer I can handle it.


----------



## Evinrude58

What is sort of flirty texting? What is the phrase that really made you upset? 
I don't doubt you're onto her and if you feel in your gut, as obviously you do, you're probably right.
Either way, no room for same sex friends that one sees alone, in a marriage IMO.

Just wondering if you really have the goods on her, or not. Would OM's wife blow a gasket if she read the texts?

I like gus' advice best, anyway.
You could pretty much demand she not go on the trip and judge by her reaction if any nefarious deeds were planned on her part.


----------



## farsidejunky

Do you want to save your marriage, or end it?


----------



## MattMatt

farsidejunky said:


> Do you want to save your marriage, or end it?


Do you have a marriage to save?

Is this her first time as a start performer at the Infidelity Rodeo?


----------



## ABHale

Read up on what The 180 is. 

Also read No More Mister Nice Guy. 

It is up to you it you want to try and save the marriage. Do not let her go with out confronting her. Do it this weekend. 

Know the facts by heart. 

Do not let her side tract you. 

Say what you have to say with out letting her interrupt you. 

Lay it straight to her that if she goes on this trip, you view it as her turning her back on the marriage. 

Up to you, but if she still goes on the trip. I would not let her take the kids. File a injunction to keep her from leaving the state with them. You do not want them around the POSOM. 

Tell her if she wants the OM then she need to fill for divorce and leave the home. 

Do not leave your home. Be there for your kids.


----------



## MarriageEjected

I cant help keep coming back to reply, I dont know if I want to save anything or not, am so torn and confused I cant think straight. Nothing relating to infidelity ever that am aware of and yes his W would definitely be pissed if she saw them, there are pictures included, very erotic I guess, but nothing revealed.....I dont have time today but will post more message details tomorrow...I just cant believe this is happening....what did I do???


----------



## farsidejunky

You may have contributed to the marriage not being healthy, but you did not cause her to cheat.

Here is what you do.

You expose. Send a simple email/message to her parents, your parents, the OM, his wife, very close friends (think maybe 3-5 total friends), and anyone else that may be enabling the affair.

"Friends and family, I am writing you this letter to inform you that my wife has been having an emotional affair with X since X date, to include the exchanging of sexually explicit photos. The upcoming trip she has scheduled was going to be used to consummate the affair. I am telling you because I would like to save our marriage for not only our sake, but for the sake of our children. However, I will not remain married to a woman who continues to cheat. I am asking for your support and prayers in this difficult time."


----------



## manfromlamancha

Inform the POSOM's wife asap - with no warning to anyone! This will get the ball rolling even if you don't know what you want to do next.

The fact is that (as you said) if its not this guy it would be someone else as she has already shown intent (with a very unattractive guy too). So something is clearly wrong with her!

It might be that she is bored and has fantasised about this - or it might be that she has no real morals regarding monogamy and this is the real her coming out (basically a bad person). Whatever the reason, you have no chance of even discussing this properly while she is still in what I will call this "lust fog".

Taking your daughter with her to disguise her need for fvcking this guy is despicable! I would find this even worse than her infidelity - it is absolute disregard for her child!

As I said, inform the other spouse and watch for what happens next with out revealing anything to her. And never reveal your sources.

This should become interesting shortly. Oh and by the way forbid her from taking your daughter anywhere!


----------



## GusPolinski

MarriageEjected said:


> I understand some of the feedback, however one thing I have read that makes a lot of sense is to NEVER ever give away your source of information, and I dont want to do this because who knows when I might need it again, so I prefer not to disclose anything about how I found out. I am actually a software engineer and work for one of the big cellco carriers, which our family plan is on of course, so my ability to see information on her phone is virtually unlimited, w/o ever having to put a finger on her phone.
> I already have multiple copies of all the evidence, so thats not an issue, its stored in extremely secure locations within company servers and multiple crypto layers, its safe.


Sir...

_...we should talk._ :smthumbup:



MarriageEjected said:


> So what if I stop the PA, then what? she has already shown her intent and this is whats killing me. I mean this guy this ugly as sin and heavier, older than me,.....wtf?? if I stop the PA will she come to terms with herself? or will I have to chase her and spy on her from now on?? am not up to that, am way too busy and have an intense career for that nonsense. I am so lost, I cant concentrate for anything, dont know how much longer I can handle it.


Believe me, I get what you're saying.

In the end, though, it all comes down to whether or not -- right now -- you a) want to save your marriage, home, and family AND b) have it in you to fight for your marriage, home, and family.

Because _after_ the trip?

The whole ball of wax will be all the more unsalvageable by that point.

*ACT!*

Or don't.

Know this, though -- not acting now will lead to a much rougher road later on.


----------



## Marc878

Being paralyzed and doing nothing at this time is the worst mistake you can make.

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

Do not set idly by and watch this happen. You'll live to regret it.


----------



## Marc878

An affair is a premeditated act. They don't just happen. It's a decision. You didn't cause her to cheat. Get over that.

Contact his wife immediately


----------



## Herschel

Gtfo. You don't want this burden of not knowing on your back for the rest of your life. It's not worth it when the end result will likely be that you will get divorced anyway. Assuming you were a faithful and loyal husband, you don't deserve this. 

If you already know enough that this is a PA, and she is going to meet him, do you really want to be second fiddle? You want her to come home cause she realized he wasn't what she wanted and settle on you. **** that! You take control now. Tell her you can't trust her anymore and get a lawyer. I dont care if you expose if you are leaving. Sometimes it's better not to expose if you have kids and want to maintain a semblance of a good relationship. But that is only if you are walking out the door.


----------



## MovingFrwrd

Read what Gus has said. Read it again, and let it sink in. Hell, read it a 3rd and 4th time. After that, read farside's post, #18, and let that one sink in.

This is not the time to second guess. Figure out if you want to save your marriage, or not, and act accordingly.

So sorry you're here.


----------



## Marc878

MarriageEjected said:


> I understand some of the feedback, however one thing I have read that makes a lot of sense is to NEVER ever give away your source of information, and I dont want to do this because who knows when I might need it again, so I prefer not to disclose anything about how I found out. I am actually a software engineer and work for one of the big cellco carriers, which our family plan is on of course, so my ability to see information on her phone is virtually unlimited, w/o ever having to put a finger on her phone.
> I already have multiple copies of all the evidence, so thats not an issue, its stored in extremely secure locations within company servers and multiple crypto layers, its safe.
> 
> So what if I stop the PA, then what? she has already shown her intent and this is whats killing me. I mean this guy this ugly as sin and heavier, older than me,.....wtf?? if I stop the PA will she come to terms with herself? or will I have to chase her and spy on her from now on?? am not up to that, am way too busy and have an intense career for that nonsense. I am so lost, I cant concentrate for anything, dont know how much longer I can handle it.


You don't need any more info. For gods sake use what you have.


----------



## arbitrator

*The choice is yours! But the ultimate decision will be hers!

Having said that, if you want to attempt to thwart this impending PA, then you should personally confront and roll out all of the evidence that you have duly accumulated against her!

Two likely scenarios ~ she will either beg your forgiveness, or she absolutely won't give a rat's a$$ and will go full speed ahead with the impending affair!

Right now, you should be fastly employing "the 180!" That and doing an exploratory with an accomplished family attorney to study both your marital property and child custody rights!*


----------



## SunCMars

Most of the posters here are correct. If you want a sliver of a chance to fix this marriage, lower the boom on her.

Here's the thing.

If he halts this secret meeting, this tryst, she will have clean hands and a clean smelling [women fold].

She can [honestly!] tell others that she had absolutely no intention of bedding this POSOM.

Who can call her a liar?...She can claim there was not another man [inside her...job] lying on and with her.... it did not happen. AT MOST it was sexting. And the sexting is provable ONLY if OP reveals his source of information.

POSOM is a cop. OP is violating company rules by hacking his wife's communication. If this hack gets out he will get fired and may be prosecuted. Or threatened with prosecution by Bluebeard the Cop.

She did not go...therefore it did not happen. She can still hold her head up.

But if OP conducts a sting operation.....lets her get penetrated by the blue perp, then her fold is soiled, her lie is weak, and her resolve will be shamed silent. There will no coming back from this act.

There will be justifiable closure....probable cause bolstered by hard-on evidence.

NOTE: "All this is predicated on getting solid proof of the tryst. That you must do."

I say, let the WW seal her fate by her pulling rank on the POSOM's Staff Sargeant, allowing the white lightning to fill her snifter.


----------



## sokillme

How has your passivity worked out for you so far? Personally I would just serve her and leave it at that.


----------



## Spicy

So sorry you are going through this. You have gotten some really solid advice that you can think about which choice fits your situation best. I do agree that you quickly need to decide if you want to save your marriage or not. Easier said than done, huh? 

I just had a couple questions. 

How is your marriage otherwise?
How has your sex life been? 
In reflecting back, has there been anything she has been telling you she is unhappy about with you and/or your marriage?
Do you have any access to her social media or similar other things that she could be using to communicate?

I hope whatever your decision ends up being that things work out for the best of all involved.


----------



## Chaparral

Let the other mans wife know. Do not give her anything that could get you fired. Then tell your wife if she goes you will file for divorce. Ask her where she wants her stuff delivered.
Tell her you can work on the marriage if she takes a polygraph. Otherwise, tell her everyone will know exactly who she is and you will be dropping her like a hot rock.
Cold hard strength is what you need now. Weakness and indecisiveness is a love killer and one wa street to defeat.
Good luck.


----------



## Chaparral

Actually the direct approach may serve you better.
Tell her you need to talk. Ask her how the marriage is going. Then ask her if she wants to stay married and work things out.

Then tell her if she goes on the trip, if she sees/f#cks the copper boy, divorce will be filed before she gets back.

Unless she is begging you to stay married you need to divorce her.

No matter how the convo goes, after you talk to her talk to copper boy's wife.

For me, there would be no more trips for her without me. Trust is gone.


----------



## zookeeper

MarriageEjected said:


> So what if I stop the PA, then what? *she has already shown her intent* and this is whats killing me. I mean this guy this ugly as sin and heavier, older than me,.....wtf?? if I stop the PA will she come to terms with herself? or will I have to chase her and spy on her from now on?? am not up to that, am way too busy and have an intense career for that nonsense. I am so lost, I cant concentrate for anything, dont know how much longer I can handle it.


This becomes the entire issue for me. Whether she meets him or not, the betrayal has already occurred. If they have sex or not is merely a detail.

Trust is a non-negotiable pillar of a relationship for me. There are no half measures. If I can't trust my wife 100%, I can't trust her at all. I won't have that. 

No doubt that people make bad decisions when they are weak and vulnerable. I am all for setting boundaries to protect my marriage and keep us both from being in situations that could lead to an irrevocable mistake. That said, your wife's behavior has required countless conscious decisions to proceed down the path that led here. 

You could probably stop this from happening, but what does that really change? There had to be reasons that you would feel the need to read her texts the way you did. I assume that this action is contrary to your employer's policies and could result in some form of disciplinary action. If so, you must have felt a compelling need to know what she is up to in order to take such risks.

Search your soul. If you are someone who can live with some level of betrayal provided no body fluids are exchanged, blow the thing up. If you are like me, don't waste the time and show her the door. I can see no upside to a life in which I have to conceal what I know so that I can continue to spy on my wife. Either have no reason to spy or end the marriage. JMO.

Good luck.


----------



## naiveonedave

OP - I don't see how anyone would allow their SO to do this without at least making it clear what going PA would mean (D of course).... Don't sit back and take it, either do what you can to prevent it going PA or file D, but don't be passive.


----------



## BetrayedDad

MarriageEjected said:


> There is texting indicating they plan to get together thou of course not specific about anything, however I think a PA is very likely.


Likely?!? No my friend. 100% GUARANTEED.



MarriageEjected said:


> my question is do I intervene now and stop this dead on its tracks or let the chips fall where they may and let her have her PA....


You tell her, "IF YOU GO ON THIS TRIP, I WILL FILE FOR DIVORCE" and you DO IT if she ignores your warning. The marriage MAY be salvageable if her worst crime to date is an online fling.

Once she fvcks this guy its over. Personally, I'd dump her anyway but if you have ANY interest in R then NOW IS YOUR LAST CHANCE.

This is one of those gray areas where at the end of the day YOU need to decide whether she DESERVES a second chance. How are the other areas of the relationship? Has she always been a shady sloot or is some stress in her life causing this behavior? 

Do what you think is BEST for YOU. She's already put herself first clearly. So you need to do the same. Good Luck.


----------



## bandit.45

Just tell her you know, and that if she goes through with the trip her belongings will be waiting for her in garbage bags on the front porch and the locks will be changed upon her return.


----------



## TheTruthHurts

I agree with everyone. STOP the A. But that doesn't mean you don't divorce also.

It gives YOU the choice. Ignoring until it's done removes your choice. Then the best you'll ever get is someone who had a PA if you decide to reconcile, and from what every BS has said, the images of this dude fvcking your W will be stuck in your head. Why would you want that, regardless of your decision about the marriage?

Stop being passive. Take charge,


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## TDSC60

What do you want to do? Do you want to stay married to a woman who can plan to use a family trip to cover an intention to F*ck another man?

If you are sure she is planning to have a PA on this trip, why do you want to stay married to her?


----------



## Thor

Question: What made you start looking at her messages?


----------



## Thor

I think the situation is a lot worse than it appears. She is already emotionally invested with this guy. She has planned to meet him. She has come up with an elaborate ruse which includes taking your child out of state. The act of sex between them is just icing on the cake at this point.

She has lied to you several times already. She is planning on having sex with OM, which means she has already thought about it and fantasized about it. She is engaging in sexual behavior with him already, with the sexy pictures and flirty talk. While this is not a PA by definition, it is a violation of marital boundaries involving sexuality. Before cell phones and the internet this kind of behavior wasn't possible so we don't really have a good handle on how to think of it, but it is sexual behavior nonetheless.

You report that you thought the marriage was ok up until now. I take this to mean you'd like to save the marriage. You should rework that into wanting to get to the best possible outcome for you and your children. What that means is either A) a good healthy marriage, or B) a divorce which results in both parents having good relationships with the kids.

Your marriage will never be what it was or what you thought it was. Never again. Her actions have made that impossible. You can strive to repair and rebuild into a new marriage. Doing that requires you be strong and resolute. At least when in front of her. You can be scared and you can cry, but do it in private. Tell her if she goes on the trip you will file for divorce while she is gone. And tell her you prefer she stays home and you two start going to marriage counseling. Carrot, stick.

Don't let her or any MC make this about your failings. She failed, not you. This affair is 100% on her. So she has to own it and she has to work on that. In parallel you two can both work on your own imperfections. It is fair for her to point out things she doesn't like about you as a husband, but never in context with her affair. Only in context with going forward to build a good marriage.


----------



## Thor

Yes, you never reveal your source of information. You can use misinformation to cover your source. You can say someone sent you a chat log via anonymous email. You can say you saw her phone. You can say his wife sent you a copy of a message.

If I were you, I'd move the evidence off of your company's systems. Copy it to a thumb drive and walk out with it. Erase it from the company computers and storage. It is probably against company policy for you to have done this, though it is your own account so maybe not. It would seem odd for the company to prevent you from seeing your own account. Still, I'd be extra careful to delete all traces.

You don't need any additional info to know what you know. You don't need to convince her she has done what she has. You don't even have to convince her what you know. You can show her you know enough by simply saying you know why she is going where she is going, and if she does you will file divorce.

If infidelity is a factor in divorce where you live, and if there are large financial reasons at stake, you might want proof. If that is the case you need to talk to a lawyer asap to find out what is involved. What you have is probably not admissible in court even if you got it legally by seeing her phone and sending the messages to yours. Probably you'll need photos of the two of them together. But it doesn't sound like you're ready to end the marriage. If you have decided to divorce, I'd be strategic by following whatever the attorney advises.


----------



## pattyreed2011

It sounds like it's already a broken marriage. I think you should talk about it but more than likely she's going to tell you what you want to hear. Unless you let things take their course and be ready for the worst.

Sent from my LGMS330 using Tapatalk


----------



## BobSimmons

blueinbr said:


> You have to ask? I can see why she prefers a macho cop.
> 
> You don't deny her going. That is her choice. You just tell her the marriage is over when she returns.


I truly don't get this? How can it even be a question? Just going to duck under a bridge for a moment...


----------



## BobSimmons

Do not intervene, keep checking her emails, she may not do anything on this trip but there will be many more, you will probably catch her then.

Until then do not say a word, your demeanor might give the game away.

It might take* 6 or 7 trips.**10 trips* to be absolutely certain.. before you can intervene and confront.

_*This advice is unlicensed, follow at own risk*_


----------



## 225985

BobSimmons said:


> Do not intervene, keep checking her emails, she may not do anything on this trip but there will be many more, you will probably catch her then.
> 
> 
> 
> Until then do not say a word, your demeanor might give the game away.
> 
> 
> 
> It might take* 6 or 7 trips.**10 trips* to be absolutely certain.. before you can intervene and confront.
> 
> 
> 
> _*This advice is unlicensed, follow at own risk*_



The best offer is to accompany her on the trip and watch her reaction.


----------



## Hope1964

GusPolinski said:


> If you wait to confront until AFTER she's gone on the trip, she'll lie, deny, and gaslight the Hell out of you.
> 
> She'll also delete the messages, wipe her phone, delete all of her e-mail, etc.
> 
> AND she'll take the affair underground, which will make your life Hell.
> 
> So here's what you do --
> 
> 1. Back up any and all evidence FIRST. Be sure to store everything in _at least_ two different Cloud-based locations so that she can't get to it. Register the accounts to a new e-mail address, and use unique passwords for each of the new accounts.
> 
> 2. Confront your WW w/ knowledge of the EA. Also be sure to let her know that a) the trip is now cancelled, and b) she'll be cutting any and all contact w/ OM going forward.
> 
> Unless, that is, she'd prefer to divorce.
> 
> 3. Expose to OMW. Be prepared to forward evidence to her as needed.
> 
> If your WW refuses to cut contact w/ OM, attempts to gaslight you, etc, expose the affair to her family as well.
> 
> And _then_ file for divorce.


You need to print this post out and follow it to the letter. You really really do.


----------



## MAJDEATH

Are there any other red flags present: changes to personal grooming, lack of attention to you, guarding her cell phone, etc?


----------



## BetrayedDad

TheTruthHurts said:


> Then the best you'll ever get is someone who had a PA if you decide to reconcile, and from what every BS has said, the images of this dude fvcking your W will be stuck in your head. Why would you want that, regardless of your decision about the marriage?


The mind movies only suck while you still care about the person. Once you dump them and move on then it goes away. Take it from a guy who heard the audio recording from his bedroom.

In any event OP.... You don't want that mental imagery of your wife bent over in handcuffs while Mr. Policeman is banging her hard in nothing but a gun holster.

You really, really, don't and like the others said. Even if you take her back, PA or otherwise, you'd be a complete fool to EVER trust her again. Prepare for your new full time career as warden. FYI: The benefits are lousy.


----------



## MarriageEjected

trying to read all the responses...and juggling a ton of work at the same time, stressing, hands trembling, havent eaten in a while, my blood pressure must be thru the roof.
As far as I know our marriage is great, thats the thing, what the hell is going on? we have good sex regularly, she doesnt work, has everything she wants, I cant comprehend it. In the past I have had a couple issues with her overspending and getting us in moderate debt w/o telling me, and I have had to bail us out twice with my stock options, thats about all the problems I have had with her and the last one was like 5 years ago.
The cell phone account is my own account with my own SSN, am not violating any company policy however am sure that what am doing would be frowned upon because I am using sensitive and proprietary company tools and means to gain access to this information.
I feel like I want to save the marriage, I am stumped by all of this, I keep asking myself what could I have done??? we have regular dates, we enjoy time together, I dont get along with her inlaws but thats not new.
I think am just going to confront her and tell her I grabbed her phone one night while she slept, I read that somewhere else....what should I expect her reaction to be? I feel like I might freeze up and not know how to react or say the right thing.....this is paralyzing to me


----------



## Hope1964

DO NOT CONFRONT WITHOUT PROOF AND A PLAN

She will gaslight you and lie to you and deny deny deny


----------



## Chris Taylor

blueinbr said:


> The best offer is to accompany her on the trip and watch her reaction.


OP's wife probably knows he needs to stay home with the other two kids so that bluff probably won't work.

He should probably suggest that the whole family go and they can stay together the whole time.

One question... OP said that her plans was to see "this friend and their family". Since OP's wife probably didn't tell him this, he must have read it in the texts. Are we jumping to conclusions on the PA? Why would she tell the cop she was going to meet his family? What am I missing here?


----------



## Hope1964

Posting this again cuz you REALLY need to see it



GusPolinski said:


> If you wait to confront until AFTER she's gone on the trip, she'll lie, deny, and gaslight the Hell out of you.
> 
> She'll also delete the messages, wipe her phone, delete all of her e-mail, etc.
> 
> AND she'll take the affair underground, which will make your life Hell.
> 
> So here's what you do --
> 
> 1. Back up any and all evidence FIRST. Be sure to store everything in _at least_ two different Cloud-based locations so that she can't get to it. Register the accounts to a new e-mail address, and use unique passwords for each of the new accounts.
> 
> 2. Confront your WW w/ knowledge of the EA. Also be sure to let her know that a) the trip is now cancelled, and b) she'll be cutting any and all contact w/ OM going forward.
> 
> Unless, that is, she'd prefer to divorce.
> 
> 3. Expose to OMW. Be prepared to forward evidence to her as needed.
> 
> If your WW refuses to cut contact w/ OM, attempts to gaslight you, etc, expose the affair to her family as well.
> 
> And _then_ file for divorce.


You need to print this post out and follow it to the letter. You really really do.


----------



## Hope1964

Some thing you need to know

1) THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. 
2) This is NOT your fault.
3) She WILL deny everything even if you have proof. Expect that.
4) You may never know why. Many BS's never know why.
5) You need to have proof, and even then she will DENY DENY DENY
6) This IS NOT YOUR FAULT


----------



## BetrayedDad

MarriageEjected said:


> trying to read all the responses...and juggling a ton of work at the same time, stressing, hands trembling, havent eaten in a while, my blood pressure must be thru the roof.
> As far as I know our marriage is great, thats the thing, what the hell is going on? we have good sex regularly, she doesnt work, has everything she wants, I cant comprehend it. In the past I have had a couple issues with her overspending and getting us in moderate debt w/o telling me, and I have had to bail us out twice with my stock options, thats about all the problems I have had with her and the last one was like 5 years ago.


Sounds pretty straight forward. You just cleared up a lot of my questions.

You are a nice guy beta provider. That's why she married you. She's was never attracted to you. You give her a cushy life. She's a USER nothing more.

Now she seeks out a macho alpha cop on the side for a good pounding to get her sloot needs met. She's not marriage material, you got duped by a POS my friend.

DIVORCE HER IMMEDIATELY. SHE'S NOT WIFE MATERIAL. SHE WILL DO THIS AGAIN. THESE TYPE NEVER CHANGE. THEY JUST GET BETTER AT HIDING IT. RUN.


----------



## TheTruthHurts

MarriageEjected said:


> trying to read all the responses...and juggling a ton of work at the same time, stressing, hands trembling, havent eaten in a while, my blood pressure must be thru the roof.
> 
> As far as I know our marriage is great, thats the thing, what the hell is going on? we have good sex regularly, she doesnt work, has everything she wants, I cant comprehend it. In the past I have had a couple issues with her overspending and getting us in moderate debt w/o telling me, and I have had to bail us out twice with my stock options, thats about all the problems I have had with her and the last one was like 5 years ago.
> 
> The cell phone account is my own account with my own SSN, am not violating any company policy however am sure that what am doing would be frowned upon because I am using sensitive and proprietary company tools and means to gain access to this information.
> 
> I feel like I want to save the marriage, I am stumped by all of this, I keep asking myself what could I have done??? we have regular dates, we enjoy time together, I dont get along with her inlaws but thats not new.
> 
> I think am just going to confront her and tell her I grabbed her phone one night while she slept, I read that somewhere else....what should I expect her reaction to be? I feel like I might freeze up and not know how to react or say the right thing.....this is paralyzing to me




That's worse than I thought. It could mean she is a serial cheater if she can maintain the lie that easily AND let's you believe everything is great. It's only great for her because you've got stock options, work hard, take care of the kids, take her on dates PLUS she has an open marriage.

I've not been betrayed but I would wonder if this isn't really who she is


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## TheTruthHurts

To clarify @MarriageEjected, usually a wayword starts to rewrite their marital history when they become involved to alleviate guilt and make it the BS fault. You can read this time and time again here on TAM. They'll even convince themselves that they never loved the BS and give the ILUBINILWU speech.

In contrast, your W acts like everything is peachy and she isn't making your life miserable at all.

I can only assume that means this is just what she does (cheats for fun) OR she has already completely checked out of the marriage. You don't seem to have the latter impression so I would assume the former


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## moth-into-flame

I've thought about this with my own ex cheating wife - if I could go back in time and stop her (or attempt to stop her) before she had sex with the posom, would I? The answer is no. The reason is this: the intent is still there. So you stop it this time. Now you know you have a wife who intended and was willing (if you're right) to have sex with another man. 

If it were me, painful and awful as it sounds, I wouldn't stop it - but let the chips fall where they may. Investigate and find out if she did cheat. If so, divorce her. Even if she doesn't - she's still having an affair.

I agree with the whole "free will" thing. I wouldn't want to have to stop my wife from cheating - if she wants to do that, then she can - you kyboshing it doesn't mean she doesn't want to, doesn't intend to and won't do it in the future. You can't control other people. You can only control how you respond to their actions - which in this case, if she is going to cheat - is to end your sham of a marriage. 

Say you do thwart her attempt to have sex with this guy - is everything OK then? Can you trust her going forward? Will you feel the same towards her knowing her intentions? 

Brutal situation - sorry she's put you in this position. Good luck.


----------



## moth-into-flame

blueinbr said:


> You have to ask? I can see why she prefers a macho cop.
> 
> You don't deny her going. That is her choice. You just tell her the marriage is over when she returns.


This.


----------



## moth-into-flame

MarriageEjected said:


> So what if I stop the PA, then what? she has already shown her intent and this is whats killing me. I mean this guy this ugly as sin and heavier, older than me,.....wtf?? if I stop the PA will she come to terms with herself? or will I have to chase her and spy on her from now on??


Yes. If you stop the PA, it doesn't really matter. The intent - as you said, is there. You can never trust her again. You will ALWAYS be in spy mode, ALWAYS waiting for her to try again. She's shown she's capable and willing. Can you live with that even if you derail her plan, THIS TIME?


----------



## moth-into-flame

GusPolinski said:


> Know this, though -- not acting now will lead to a much rougher road later on.


How so? So he acts, thwarts the PA...now what? He's in limbo hell waiting for the rest of his life for her to try it again, and being married to a woman he knows intended to have sex with another man.

Flipside - he says nothing, gathers the intell/proof that she cheated, and now is resolute. Why is it his job to control his wife's actions? She has free will. She's not a child. IMO, you let adults make their own decisions, then act accordingly. Otherwise, he's in a continuous loop of hell.


----------



## GusPolinski

moth-into-flame said:


> How so? So he acts, thwarts the PA...now what? He's in limbo hell waiting for the rest of his life for her to try it again, and being married to a woman he knows intended to have sex with another man.
> 
> Flipside - he says nothing, gathers the intell/proof that she cheated, and now is resolute. Why is it his job to control his wife's actions? She has free will. She's not a child. IMO, you let adults make their own decisions, then act accordingly. Otherwise, he's in a continuous loop of hell.


Evaluate the portion of my earlier reply that you chose to quote on it's own merit -- it's correct, is it not?

If he wants to save his marriage, home, and family, then he should act w/ that goal in mind.

If, however, he'd prefer to divorce, he should act w/ _that_ goal in mind.

Either way, if you read my reply in such a way that I implied that he should seek to -- in any way -- "control" his wife's actions, then you read it all wrong.


----------



## SunCMars

TheTruthHurts said:


> I agree with everyone. STOP the A. But that doesn't mean you don't divorce also.
> 
> It gives YOU the choice. Ignoring until it's done removes your choice. Then the best you'll ever get is someone who had a PA if you decide to reconcile, and from what every BS has said, the images of this dude fvcking your W will be stuck in your head. Why would you want that, regardless of your decision about the marriage?
> 
> *Stop being passive.* Take charge,
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


OK, somebody has to take the hit. It might as well be you!

I am so NOT PASSIVE that the mention of it in the written conversation here on TAM rattles my fillings.

*Divorce is the only card on the table that I set for OP.

I absolutely do NOT WANT any possibility of reconciliation, "R".*

*I do not want her SHEEPISHLY EMBARRASSED like the rest of you do.*

I want her humiliated like she is doing to him. 

Her *PRESSUMPTIVE* bogus, boner-ride trip is the final nail in the coffin. *She may back out of doing anything with POSOM.*

This trip is *HER* last chance to undo the damage already done.

She does not deserve a last chance. She does not deserve any premature exposure. OP [should be] letting her go. Letting her seal her own fate.

Why does another hand [OP's] need to intervene?..... To halt her wayward ways.

I think some of the male posters who want immediate exposure cannot deal with the dirty truth.....she left, she f'd another man. Stop her! I cannot take this! YOU guys need to man up.

Let her soil her pants. It will bring OP permanent closure by looking at her permanent stain.


----------



## pattyreed2011

Hire a PI

Sent from my LGMS631 using Tapatalk


----------



## sokillme

MarriageEjected said:


> trying to read all the responses...and juggling a ton of work at the same time, stressing, hands trembling, havent eaten in a while, my blood pressure must be thru the roof.
> As far as I know our marriage is great, thats the thing, what the hell is going on? we have good sex regularly, she doesnt work, has everything she wants, I cant comprehend it. In the past I have had a couple issues with her overspending and getting us in moderate debt w/o telling me, and I have had to bail us out twice with my stock options, thats about all the problems I have had with her and the last one was like 5 years ago.
> The cell phone account is my own account with my own SSN, am not violating any company policy however am sure that what am doing would be frowned upon because I am using sensitive and proprietary company tools and means to gain access to this information.
> I feel like I want to save the marriage, I am stumped by all of this, I keep asking myself what could I have done??? we have regular dates, we enjoy time together, I dont get along with her inlaws but thats not new.
> I think am just going to confront her and tell her I grabbed her phone one night while she slept, I read that somewhere else....what should I expect her reaction to be? I feel like I might freeze up and not know how to react or say the right thing.....this is paralyzing to me


Maybe she is just a jerk. Which is mostly the case when this kind of stuff happens. People behave this way because they are broken and lack empathy. One of the great tells on this is if you go to SurvivingInfidelity.com and go to the Wayward section where the cheaters post, 99% of the people who post there, even when they feel bad for what they did to their spouse never even mention the person they cheated with's spouse. If it was a normal person besides the terrible things they did to the person who has dedicated their life to them, just being a decent person they would feel bad about the cheating partner's spouse. These people (who are the best of cheaters because they are posting trying to fix things right?) these posters never even once think about the spouse of the person they cheated with. Hardly even talk about them. To me, this is the tell that something inside of them is missing. That is probably your wife, this is why spending too much time wondering what you could have done, or even trying to get her to get it is a waste. There is something wrong with her, she is less emotionally evolved than you. You can't fix it. 

IF it was me, I would find out where she was staying and serve her papers to her hotel room, then I would ghost for at least a month when she got back. Turn her wonderful little trip to a nightmare and one of the worst moments of her life.


----------



## drifter777

First accept a couple of facts. Your wife does not love you - at least by the definition of love that a non-cheater would accept. Also, she may have already been physical with this guy. You would likely never know unless you find evidence. It's possible this is not her first rodeo when it comes to cheating. Again, you will probably never know unless you find evidence. 

The thing is, if you want to try to save your marriage you don't really want to know any more than you know now. This is bad enough and will be very difficult to get through without adding anything else to it. So get your evidence, sit down with her and lay it all on the table. Tell her, in no uncertain terms, that you are ready to let her go and will work with her to facilitate a simple, quick divorce if this is what she wants. If divorce is not what she wants than tell her she must send a no-contact message to her boyfriend and never have contact with him again. She must agree to marriage counseling and be completely transparent with all of her electronic communication devices. You need access to her Twitter & Facebook & Texts & email accounts as a way to monitor her attempt to rebuild trust. Make sure you tell the marriage counselor your terms and if the counselor doesn't agree that this is necessary than find a new counselor. These are the kind of basic terms that are pretty much accepted by infidelity counselors everywhere. It is a proportional response to her cheating. 

There is no end to the bullsh*t that a WS will try to sell to BS on d-day. She's going to lie, minimize, and lie some more when you confront her so be prepared. Stick to the facts and be firm and unwavering on her making a choice right now. Finally, you need to be mentally prepared for the fact that she might choose him over you. In this case I would advise that you end all contact (other than for the kids) with your wife, call a lawyer and start divorce proceedings immediately.

Of course in all of this, you do what you think is best for you...


----------



## jerry123

Most husbands in your position DON'T see it coming because like you, they think everything is fine. 

I agree with the above poster who talks about the mind set of your wife or others that do this. 

Your wife is a sahm with 3 kids. She's up to her head in rug rats and then makes dinner when you get home. Probably never gets alone time. Your at work with no kids around. 

Then all of a sudden a guy (does not even have to be hot looking) gives her attention and that's how the ball starts rolling. 

By the way, most WW spouses actually have affairs with someone less better looking than their own spouse. 


The thing is, which posters already said, you stop it now, then what. She says oh sorry it was nothing, just lapse in judgement. She'll learn how to be covert for the next OM. Most if not all are sorry for being caught, not for the act itself.


----------



## turnera

What's missing is your anger. How dare she disrespect you so much as to do this? 

If you were to show her your anger (in a non-threatening way), she will take you more seriously. Whatever you do, DO NOT beg her not to go. Don't ASK her to do anything. Don't tell her how you found out; she doesn't need to know. All you do is tell her you know, tell her you won't accept it, and tell her if she goes, she'll find herself divorced and you'll fight for everything, kids included, as she's now proving herself an unfit mother.

She'll try to turn it on you. STAND STRONG. Do NOT get into an argument with her, no matter what - you'll lose. Cheating women convince themselves that their husband is bad, that they 'have' to find someone better. They rewrite history; in HER eyes, you're weak or boring or just plain abusive. So no argument is going to work. 

She's a drug addict right now, and OM is her drug. 

If she refuses, and goes anyway, you IMMEDIATELY call his wife and tell him why your wife is coming there; you then immediately call her parents and siblings and tell them where she's headed. Inform them that if she goes through with it, you're divorcing their daughter. 

Then sit back and see what unfolds.


----------



## GuyInColorado

Eh... a software engineer with capabilities to read everyone's text messages? I don't think so.


----------



## pattyreed2011

Having kids is no excuse for not working. She can work after her husband gets home from work or a graveyard. 

Sent from my LGMS330 using Tapatalk


----------



## jb02157

You absolutely have to intervene before she goes. Present her with the information you have and send it over to the cop's wife, her parents and her friends. Blow this affair trip completely up. Tell her that you are going to have serious problems with trust going forward and it's up to her to fix this. If she makes no effort, serve her divorce papers. I honestly think that the marriage is beyond saving, she a cheater and will cheat again if given a chance.


----------



## Thor

moth-into-flame said:


> How so? So he acts, thwarts the PA...now what? He's in limbo hell waiting for the rest of his life for her to try it again, and being married to a woman he knows intended to have sex with another man.
> 
> Flipside - he says nothing, gathers the intell/proof that she cheated, and now is resolute. Why is it his job to control his wife's actions? She has free will. She's not a child. IMO, you let adults make their own decisions, then act accordingly. Otherwise, he's in a continuous loop of hell.


I see two possible situations with the wife here.

1) She is a cheater type of person. She views sex as just sex. Within the marriage is fine, and it doesn't reflect poorly on the husband (OP). But sex to her is just sex. Having a bit of fun on the side, in her world view, does not reflect poorly on OP. It is just sex. She may or may not have cheated before, but she has now crossed that line in the sand within her mind where taking action to have sex with another man is ok. Even if this PA is prevented, it is currently within her ability to easily do this again.

2) She is naive, maybe a bit bored in the marriage, and has fallen into an EA. Yes it is still 100% her fault, as in it is her failing to have let herself go down this path. Nevertheless she is not numb to hurting OP, she is just in that EA fog where she doesn't see the reality of where this is going. She felt real love for OP in the past, and is now in a comfortable marriage where she is quite happy to be and to have sex with OP regularly. But this new thing has gotten her all riled up, the endorphins are out of control.

Personally I think scenario 1 is the more likely. She doesn't want to hurt her husband, she is just excited by a little something on the side. Recovery from this even if the trip is blocked will be a tricky thing. OP, you'll need some good MC, IC, and the help of folks here to navigate successful reconciliation.

If it is scenario 2, recovery still requires good MC and IC as well as guidance here. But the odds of success are a lot higher _if handled well by you and if she is willing to do what it takes_.

The bottom line is when you confront her it is only the beginning of the process not the end. You need to be resolute. Show no weakness to her. Make _her_ do the hard work, don't you try to do it for her or make it easier on her. Set boundaries, enforce consequences. No second chances!


----------



## moth-into-flame

GusPolinski said:


> Evaluate the portion of my earlier reply that you chose to quote on it's own merit -- it's correct, is it not?
> 
> If he wants to save his marriage, home, and family, then he should act w/ that goal in mind.
> 
> If, however, he'd prefer to divorce, he should act w/ _that_ goal in mind.
> 
> Either way, if you read my reply in such a way that I implied that he should seek to -- in any way -- "control" his wife's actions, then you read it all wrong.


Fair enough. The sad part is of course, it's not possible for him to save the marriage. She has to want to do that too, should he be willing. Whether he wants to or not, it's not up to him at this point. He can choose to end the marriage, but he can't choose to save the marriage.


----------



## moth-into-flame

sokillme said:


> IF it was me, I would find out where she was staying and serve her papers to her hotel room, then I would ghost for at least a month when she got back. Turn her wonderful little trip to a nightmare and one of the worst moments of her life.


Man - that sounds like poetic justice. If at all possible, do this.


----------



## moth-into-flame

drifter777 said:


> First accept a couple of facts. Your wife does not love you - at least by the definition of love that a non-cheater would accept. Also, she may have already been physical with this guy. You would likely never know unless you find evidence. It's possible this is not her first rodeo when it comes to cheating. Again, you will probably never know unless you find evidence.
> 
> The thing is, if you want to try to save your marriage you don't really want to know any more than you know now. This is bad enough and will be very difficult to get through without adding anything else to it. So get your evidence, sit down with her and lay it all on the table. Tell her, in no uncertain terms, that you are ready to let her go and will work with her to facilitate a simple, quick divorce if this is what she wants. If divorce is not what she wants than tell her she must send a no-contact message to her boyfriend and never have contact with him again. She must agree to marriage counseling and be completely transparent with all of her electronic communication devices. You need access to her Twitter & Facebook & Texts & email accounts as a way to monitor her attempt to rebuild trust. Make sure you tell the marriage counselor your terms and if the counselor doesn't agree that this is necessary than find a new counselor. These are the kind of basic terms that are pretty much accepted by infidelity counselors everywhere. It is a proportional response to her cheating.
> 
> There is no end to the bullsh*t that a WS will try to sell to BS on d-day. She's going to lie, minimize, and lie some more when you confront her so be prepared. Stick to the facts and be firm and unwavering on her making a choice right now. Finally, you need to be mentally prepared for the fact that she might choose him over you. In this case I would advise that you end all contact (other than for the kids) with your wife, call a lawyer and start divorce proceedings immediately.
> 
> Of course in all of this, you do what you think is best for you...


Asking her "what she wants" and acting accordingly is a fatal mistake. Completely emasculates himself, gives away all power and loses any respect (if there is any) that remains for him from her.


----------



## moth-into-flame

jb02157 said:


> You absolutely have to intervene before she goes. Present her with the information you have and send it over to the cop's wife, her parents and her friends. Blow this affair trip completely up. Tell her that you are going to have serious problems with trust going forward and it's up to her to fix this. If she makes no effort, serve her divorce papers. I honestly think that the marriage is beyond saving, she a cheater and will cheat again if given a chance.


So why try to stop her then?


----------



## bandit.45

MarriageEjected said:


> trying to read all the responses...and juggling a ton of work at the same time, stressing, hands trembling, havent eaten in a while, my blood pressure must be thru the roof.
> As far as I know our marriage is great, thats the thing, what the hell is going on? we have good sex regularly, she doesnt work, has everything she wants, I cant comprehend it. In the past I have had a couple issues with her overspending and getting us in moderate debt w/o telling me, and I have had to bail us out twice with my stock options, thats about all the problems I have had with her and the last one was like 5 years ago.
> The cell phone account is my own account with my own SSN, am not violating any company policy however am sure that what am doing would be frowned upon because I am using sensitive and proprietary company tools and means to gain access to this information.
> I feel like I want to save the marriage, I am stumped by all of this, I keep asking myself what could I have done??? we have regular dates, we enjoy time together, I dont get along with her inlaws but thats not new.
> I think am just going to confront her and tell her I grabbed her phone one night while she slept, I read that somewhere else....what should I expect her reaction to be? I feel like I might freeze up and not know how to react or say the right thing.....this is paralyzing to me


Adultery strikes healthy marriages just as often as unhealthy ones. It is a myth that there has to be "something missing" in the marriage to make one of the partners want to cheat. It is a myth propagated by hack "marriage experts" on television and in the media to promote their books, and it is simply not true. 

Your wife's behavior has nothing to do with what you did or did not do. Good, hard working, doting husbands like yourself get screwed over by wives all the time, and vice versa. We have seen it here on TAM ad-infinitum. Your wife is doing this because she is selfish, because she is entitled, and because she has the opportunity to do it. Selfishness, lust, ego gratification, a desire for something dangerous and illicit...all of these factor into what she is planning. When a cheater heads down this road there is almost always no turning back once they are committed. 

I say head it off before she cheats, but then ask her to take a polygraph to see if she has done this before. I'll bet she refuses.


----------



## drifter777

moth-into-flame said:


> Asking her "what she wants" and acting accordingly is a fatal mistake. Completely emasculates himself, gives away all power and loses any respect (if there is any) that remains for him from her.


I'm going on the assumption that OP wants to give her another chance if that's what she wants. If this is the case then making her adhere to the conditions I laid out puts him totally in the drivers seat. If she refuses to abide by these conditions then OP is put to the test: Start divorce proceedings or cave and hand her his balls. 

I don't think we are disagreeing at all - just taking different approaches to get him to the same place.


----------



## moth-into-flame

drifter777 said:


> I'm going on the assumption that OP wants to give her another chance if that's what she wants. If this is the case then making her adhere to the conditions I laid out puts him totally in the drivers seat. If she refuses to abide by these conditions then OP is put to the test: Start divorce proceedings or cave and hand her his balls.
> 
> I don't think we are disagreeing at all - just taking different approaches to get him to the same place.


Cool. Maybe just a disagreement on wording/approach. I wouldn't be asking her what she wants at all. But I get your point.


----------



## 225985

All OP mentioned in the initial post is "sort of" flirty texts. From that he gets a PA is going to happen?

There is more he isn't telling. Including why he hacked her account through work.


----------



## SunCMars

GuyInColorado said:


> Eh... a software engineer with capabilities to read everyone's text messages? I don't think so.



Yeah, I know.

I bought a new pair of swimming goggles. They do not fog up like the last pair.

The only thing I do not like about them....you can NOW see the flotsam in the pool.

Ignorance is Fort Bliss.


----------



## moth-into-flame

SunCMars said:


> Yeah, I know.
> 
> I bought a new pair of swimming goggles. They do not fog up like the last pair.
> 
> The only thing I do not like about them....you can NOW see the flotsam in the pool.
> 
> Ignorance is Fort Bliss.


Sometimes I wish I had some of what you're smokin'.


----------



## 225985

GuyInColorado said:


> Eh... a software engineer with capabilities to read everyone's text messages? I don't think so.




Maybe he is Russian.


----------



## jsmart

You most definitely should intervene. If you don't fight for your family, she will wantonly bang this guy. Once he claims her body, your whole family will suffer. Something I've learned on these boards is that WWs don't care about the impact on their kids. They say that they do but their actions reveal the exact opposite. I mean your wife is planning a trip to fvck another man and using your daughter as cover. Talk about being vile.

But your thinking, "why should I fight for a cheater?" Because you have 3 kids with her. If there is anything in life worth fighting for, that is it. The problem is being a SAHM with older kids, she's craving excitement. To her you're her co-parent that she has to bang in order to keep the peace. Now along comes douche ex-cop, who's probably arrogantly confident and he's spitting game at her and she eats that up. 

You shouldn't have to fight for her but if you don't it's broken homes for your kids. With her being a SAHM, the courts will eat you alive. Her mind is on getting some but you need to snap her out of it with BOLD ACTION>

You MUST expose this POS to his wife. She can be your biggest help.
You MUST expose to her parents and family. Shame works wonders.
If possible, get D papers filed. 
Move your money to another account and cancel credit cards.

Only boldness will shock a WW. They only understand strength.


----------



## MarriageEjected

GuyInColorado said:


> Eh... a software engineer with capabilities to read everyone's text messages? I don't think so.


who in the world said "*everyone*"???? god damit, I sure as hell didnt. I have repeatedly said is my own account where her number is under. :banghead:

anyways, lots of great feedback, am just overwhelmed and a stressful wreck, I need to find a way to chill out a bit and unplug from this. I told her am staying at my mom's tonight because as I have to help her out with some things (and in fact I do). I need the break away from her for a bit. I am going to see a counselor on Monday to get some help as well...will check in here tomorrow, trying to stay strong but this is brutal.

I will also post some of the message text I got, just exhausted from all this now.....


----------



## TheTruthHurts

@MarriageEjected when is this trip?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## SunCMars

MarriageEjected said:


> who in the world said "*everyone*"???? god damit, I sure as hell didnt. I have repeatedly said is my own account where her number is under. :banghead:
> 
> anyways, lots of great feedback, am just overwhelmed and a stressful wreck, I need to find a way to chill out a bit and unplug from this. I told her am staying at my mom's tonight because as I have to help her out with some things (and in fact I do). I need the break away from her for a bit. I am going to see a counselor on Monday to get some help as well...will check in here tomorrow, trying to stay strong but this is brutal.
> 
> *I will also post some of the message text I got*, just exhausted from all this now.....


Thank you, sir.

We are invested and we are an impatient lot.

Get some rest.


----------



## Lostinthought61

ME,

The way i see it is yeah you could wait until they do the deed, but if that happens any chance of reconciliation is out the door. And consider this, if you say nothing and knew then you become the bad guy from a couple perspective, your wife will see it as you knew and said nothing so that is considered entrapment....and the OM wife will be upset that you also did nothing to prevent it once you had the info...a couple thoughts...give the OM'wife a call, and pass along the info and talk it out with her....let her be part of this since after all is her husband...now other possibility is call the OM and tell him what you know and if he even thinks about going through with it his wife will know everything, and to tell him to have him dump your wife with no excuse...and i mean cold or you will pass all of to his wife....and just as a precaution, you NEVER EVER want to hear from them again...you consider their friendship dead. either way, please don't let this go with out preventing it....


----------



## KJ_Simmons

To me, it just depends on what you want to do with your marriage. 

If what she has done already is grounds for divorce to you and you have no desire of any type of R, then there is no better proverbial "final nail in the coffin" than a consumated PA. If D is your goal, wait. But know that there is no undoing a PA.

If you do want to try to salvage your marriage and get your W back, then by all means please follow all the advice above and put a stop to it, like NOW.


----------



## BobSimmons

GuyInColorado said:


> Eh... a software engineer with capabilities to read everyone's text messages? I don't think so.


Reads them in real time before the user even hits the send button :smthumbup:


----------



## straightshooter

Well OP, you are now six pages in and basically are nowhere different than where you were when you posted despite some very sound advice, at least from most. I truly do not understand the mindset that says that knowing that your wife intends to spend alone time with another man to just sit there sucking your thumb watching it happen and hope that it does not. She has already betrayed you in the planning, and should you sit there paralyzed you will enjoy the mind movies that needed not to occur if you decide to stay with her. 

You are NOT in a court of law, and you are NOT going to need to catch her in bed with him to prove any case. You know what is right in front of you.

Now, if you want to stop trembling you need to lower the boom on her, tell her that while she is gone you will have divorce papers prepared, and that she can either sign them or take a polygraph when she returns. Trying to go with her will only postpone the inevitable because she will still be communicating and planning with him.

your wife is checked out of your marriage. Most women are before they start to follow the path to hopping in the sack with another man. 

Your para;ysis is going to cost you if you do not snap out of it. if you think you are trembling now, wait until you start trying to figure out and get any answers after she has a week end sex fest with him.

I know this is harsh but some very smart folks have preceeded me in trying top get you do get out of denial but it appears it has not worked. This I am afraid is not going to end well for you because you are playing the pick me game by your inaction. And you better start trying to figure out what you are going to do if when confronted she says she is not going to stop contact with him or meeting him but wants to stay married to you as Plan B


----------



## 41362

GuyInColorado said:


> Eh... a software engineer with capabilities to read everyone's text messages? I don't think so.


Nah, he said it was a family plan and I believe him. I believe him because I can do the same thing with my sixteen year old daughter...which proved very beneficial when she was dating a controlling, POS, whiney little ****.


----------



## MarriageEjected

interesting twist...she told me this morning last night she couldnt sleep well because I wasnt home, so she ended up staying late. I checked the messages and sure enough she had texted him around 1am. the messages were pretty innocent, talking about weather and snow and stuff. He asks her why I wasnt sleeping at home and if things were ok between us, and she replied with something like "yes things are ok, I love that man, he is the love of my life." there were no more texts after that, it just went dark....what make out of this?


----------



## Tatsuhiko

Rest assured, there are employees of his cell carrier that can read EVERY text message that comes through their system. The messages are retained by the carrier for compliance purposes. The people responsible for the system that archives those messages need full access to make sure the system is working and to be able to answer subpoenas, criminal investigations, etc. The OP is claiming only that he can see those messages on his family plan. He most certainly can, so I think it's time to drop this subject.


----------



## Hope1964

MarriageEjected said:


> interesting twist...she told me this morning last night she couldnt sleep well because I wasnt home, so she ended up staying late. I checked the messages and sure enough she had texted him around 1am. the messages were pretty innocent, talking about weather and snow and stuff. He asks her why I wasnt sleeping at home and if things were ok between us, and she replied with something like "yes things are ok, I love that man, he is the love of my life." there were no more texts after that, it just went dark....what make out of this?


A couple of possibilities. She knows you're reading her messages and is deleting anything incriminating. She's having second thoughts about taking things physical finally. She isn't really into this guy and it's 'just for sex'. Who knows. 

Answer this: Does it make a difference if she actually has sex vs only planning to have sex with this guy (or any other)? Does this matter to you?


----------



## Yeswecan

MarriageEjected said:


> interesting twist...she told me this morning last night she couldnt sleep well because I wasnt home, so she ended up staying late. I checked the messages and sure enough she had texted him around 1am. the messages were pretty innocent, talking about weather and snow and stuff. He asks her why I wasnt sleeping at home and if things were ok between us, and she replied with something like "yes things are ok, I love that man, he is the love of my life." there were no more texts after that, it just went dark....what make out of this?


It went dark because the OM has read loud and clear what he thinks is coming down the pike may in fact not be. In other words, OM is looking forward to a possible fling when, after your W stating you are the love of her life, etc. it appears the trip after all is just a visit. OM imagination was running wild. Your W is planning a simple visit. 

Your W stated she is visiting OM?


----------



## 225985

MarriageEjected said:


> interesting twist...she told me this morning last night she couldnt sleep well because I wasnt home, so she ended up staying late. I checked the messages and sure enough she had texted him around 1am. the messages were pretty innocent, talking about weather and snow and stuff. He asks her why I wasnt sleeping at home and if things were ok between us, and she replied with something like "yes things are ok, I love that man, he is the love of my life." there were no more texts after that, it just went dark....what make out of this?




How about posting some of the other messages? And tell us why you started checking in the first place.

They know you are reading the messages.


----------



## Yeswecan

blueinbr said:


> How about posting some of the other messages? And tell us why you started checking in the first place.
> 
> They know you are reading the messages.


How could they know? I access my family cell phone account and look over things. No one is any wiser to it.


----------



## SunCMars

Hope1964 said:


> A couple of possibilities. *She knows you're reading her messages and is deleting anything incriminating.* She's having second thoughts about taking things physical finally. She isn't really into this guy and it's 'just for sex'. Who knows.
> 
> Answer this: Does it make a difference if she actually has sex vs only planning to have sex with this guy (or any other)? Does this matter to you?


That would be my guess. She knows that you are reading their texts.

She knows that you are a techie. The cop is no fool. He is obfuscating......... Gesundheit.

Clever folks these two. 

Clever is crafty, is not smart, is not moral. Smart is divorce first....consummation later.

Between these two lovebirds, it is a heated exchange of wills and ways....of the flesh. Steam from a low Marsha.

I hope I am wrong. I have a taste for crow.....now. It is the beak and the claws that are hard to chew. The little brain case?.... One bite, one kill. Eh?


----------



## Hope1964

They could know in any number of ways. Or maybe they just suspect and are acting as if it's true. If he's acting differently towards her she could suspect. Maybe she also reads them and can tell when something's been looked at.


----------



## Yeswecan

I think we need to see what the "flirty" text entail. Testing the waters kind of bull crap we see from time to time. Then there is full on graphic texts with pictures included.


----------



## 225985

Yeswecan said:


> How could they know? I access my family cell phone account and look over things. No one is any wiser to it.




Any number of reasons. 

This thread showing up in Google. 

He left TAM open

She knows he is a software engineer for their carrier 

He is acting differently so she thinks he knows. They are taking the affair more underground. Moving to an untraceable app. 

Or these is no affair because he has yet to post any of the "sort of" flirty texts or give reason why he checked to begin with.


----------



## 225985

Hope1964 said:


> They could know in any number of ways. Or maybe they just suspect and are acting as if it's true. If he's acting differently towards her she could suspect. Maybe she also reads them and can tell when something's been looked at.




Maybe he was correcting her grammar and spelling.


----------



## Yeswecan

blueinbr said:


> Any number of reasons.
> 
> This thread showing up in Google.
> 
> He left TAM open
> 
> She knows he is a software engineer for their carrier
> 
> He is acting differently so she thinks he knows. They are taking the affair more underground. Moving to an untraceable app.
> 
> Or these is no affair because he has yet to post any of the "sort of" flirty texts or give reason why he checked to begin with.


How would she know this thread is showing up in Google unless she is actively looking for a thread with nonspecific names and or finding the right keyword to get her to this thread?

He is savvy tech man...leaving things open on the computer and traces of his being on the computer, specifically in this situation, we can pretty much surmise the tracks have been erased. 

Makes no sense to flip flop between a untraceable app and standard traceable texting. The W is not hiding it well at all. 

I'm going with flirty meaningless texts that might be driving the OM imagination and the W is sincerely going for a visit with the uncle with daughter in tow. She may stop by to see the old copper she is texting for a simple visit.


----------



## Hope1964

Yeswecan said:


> How would she know this thread is showing up in Google unless she is actively looking for a thread with nonspecific names and or finding the right keyword to get her to this thread?
> 
> He is savvy tech man...leaving things open on the computer and traces of his being on the computer, specifically in this situation, we can pretty much surmise the tracks have been erased.
> 
> Makes no sense to flip flop between a untraceable app and standard traceable texting. The W is not hiding it well at all.
> 
> I'm going with flirty meaningless texts that might be driving the OM imagination and the W is sincerely going for a visit with the uncle with daughter in tow. She may stop by to see the old copper she is texting for a simple visit.


This thread would show up in history if he didn't use incognito mode. It would also show up in search history if he searched for 'talk about marriage' and she later searched for something that starts with a T. He's upset, people forget things when they're upset.

Still, I hope you're correct


----------



## TX-SC

Honestly, at this point we have almost nothing to go on. You said they are flirting and you think they will hook up. Until we see some things she and he wrote, we are only guessing. It could be that you are exaggerating the flirtiness of the conversations. Or, maybe not. I recommend moving this to the private section then post up some examples or screen shots.

The last convo sounds like she knows you are on to her and reading her messages.


----------



## NoChoice

OP,
I would posit an alternative possibility. Just because your wife has the body of an adult DO NOT assume her mind is mature. Intellectual growth and maturity is not as easily determined as is physical growth. The indicators are much less visible. In order for anyone to make the "right" decision" they must have the capability. It is difficult for those of us to comprehend that are cognizant enough to see clear divisions between right and wrong.

I believe that you may have jumped the gun and may be reading too much into your initial discovery. It is entirely possible that she does "love" you in her way, the way she is capable of. This may not fully coincide with your way however. We all process information differently and her texting, in her mind, may be benign whereas in your mind it is cheating. I would advise you to confront her with your information and to ask her to explain how she feels this is appropriate. Then explain to her how you see it and, based on her intellectual ability, she will either understand and modify her behavior or she will try to lie, become angered and accuse you of being controlling and overbearing.

If the former occurs then you are indeed fortunate however, if the latter occurs then you must now make a decision. You will now know that she cannot be trusted to make right decisions that are good for the marriage and your family and you will then need to make them for her or dissolve the union. Lack of processing ability will always lead to erroneous conclusions. Therefore, to leave her decisions up to her would be to invite disaster into your marriage.

I once was as you are now and did not understand that my wife was incapable of making the right decision. I assumed she was an adult. I was proven wrong. Knowing what I know now I would have intervened and made decisions for her, explaining why it was necessary to do so. It is easy to recognize the barrel of a gun and understand the danger it poses, it is more difficult to recognize less apparent dangers, to do so requires more cognitive ability than she possesses. The OM is a loaded gun to your marriage but to her he represents no danger. It is up to you to show her the inherent danger and thereby protect your marriage.

Think of it this way, as if it were your daughter about to go on a trip that you knew would endanger her. You see the peril, she does not, would you let her go? Or would you try to save her from herself? Many people do things that they sorely regret later in life. Do not let this be one of those times for your W. Communicate with her, explain the situation to her, show her the error of her ways and gauge her response. She will either come to appreciate you for "saving" her or she will fight you, ignore you and proceed on in her childish way, in which case she is most likely not "savable". You can say however, at the end of the day, that you did what you could to help her.


----------



## Spicy

Yeah, I think the piece of the puzzle we are missing is what was contained in those messages that had the OP sure that this was going to turn into a PA.

If the OP is anything like me, my body didn't come with a "poker face" feature. Try as I may, anyone who knows me can read if something is wrong or I'm upset etc. Toss in there that's it's his wife, and she can probably read his poker face in the pitch black dark. Add the fact that he stayed at his mothers that night, his profession, her and Sgt. Willy D!ckRod's own paranoia about getting caught because they have been carrying on a EA they are getting ready to consummate, and it is massively feasible that they know he is on thier trail and that latest exchange was written with the sole purpose for him to read it.

For his sake, I hope I am dead wrong.


----------



## Thor

Maybe they think OM's wife is suspicious. Maybe it is OM's wife reading the messages.

1am is not normal social hours to be texting.


----------



## Thor

Or, she is making it clear to OM she is not planning on leaving her marriage to live with OM. She wants him to understand this is only sex and fun, nothing more.


----------



## 225985

Yeswecan said:


> How would she know this thread is showing up in Google unless she is actively looking for a thread with nonspecific names and or finding the right keyword to get her to this thread?
> 
> 
> 
> He is savvy tech man...leaving things open on the computer and traces of his being on the computer, specifically in this situation, we can pretty much surmise the tracks have been erased.
> 
> 
> 
> Makes no sense to flip flop between a untraceable app and standard traceable texting. The W is not hiding it well at all.
> 
> 
> 
> I'm going with flirty meaningless texts that might be driving the OM imagination and the W is sincerely going for a visit with the uncle with daughter in tow. She may stop by to see the old copper she is texting for a simple visit.




Or it could be OP's imagination.


----------



## 225985

Thor said:


> Or, she is making it clear to OM she is not planning on leaving her marriage to live with OM. She wants him to understand this is only sex and fun, nothing more.




That actually could make it MORE attractive to OM.


----------



## Emerging Buddhist

Thor said:


> Or, she is making it clear to OM she is not planning on leaving her marriage to live with OM. She wants him to understand this is only sex and fun, nothing more.


Nothing more...

&%%#%^&*()))*&^%$#@#$%^&*().!!!!

I'll return to mindful calm now...


----------



## Yeswecan

blueinbr said:


> Or it could be OP's imagination.


Correct.


----------



## Spicy

We should all band together and become the biggest, strongest group of conspiracy theorists ever!!!! >


----------



## moth-into-flame

straightshooter said:


> I truly do not understand the mindset that says that knowing that your wife intends to spend alone time with another man to just sit there sucking your thumb watching it happen and hope that it does not.


Nobody said that. So he puts a stop to it, then what? Now he has a wife who attempted to have sex with another man and he thwarted it. All good? He still has a cheating wife, and now he gets to spend the rest of his married life policing and spying on her - always on the lookout for the next time. 

Guess what - if she wants to cheat, she's going to, whether or not you stop her _this time_. What, you think all of a sudden, if he busts her before it happens, she goes "oh, thanks! Geez, what was I thinking?? Thank God you stopped me. I'm going to be faithful and loyal and truthful from now on".

She wants to cheat, she has the desire to cheat, she intends to cheat. What does he accomplish by stopping her this time? You can't control another adult's actions. You can only control how you respond to their actions. If she's going to have sex with this guy, she's going to have sex with this guy - if not on this trip - on another. If not with the cop, with another guy. She's an adult - allowed to make her own decisions. Let her do what she will, then file for divorce and find a decent woman who is loyal and has integrity. Or don't, get a FWB and enjoy being single and not having to answer to anyone.


----------



## MarriageEjected

OK, you are right, I should have posted the initial messages first....here they are (my W messages are in BOLD)


*So, finally booked the trip, we are coming up for year end*

oh, very cool!!!

*Thats it? just cool??*

Trying to keep texting safe (smiley)


another conversation

Finally get to see my gorgeous friend a lot more

*well still well over a couple weeks away*


another conversation

You dont need to do a thing, really you look totally amazing, 10 out of 10

*Well, thank you kindly but after 3 kids I still think I have plenty to work on!*


another conversation

his loss, always fun to try new things

I do miss the adventure!

*I do too, are you able to receive calls?*

Yea, solo tonight

*Ok I will call you in a bit, but will use my house line though*


another conversation

*you are missing bikinis and the beach! we know where your mind is*

Yes, I got a weakness for beautiful women like you, where else would my mind be?

*hmmm, IDK, you tell me*

Well, I am thinking about those pictures you sent, how incredible you look, and how I would love to see you, just being honest.

*I figured as much, ha!*

*I have some older ones on my FB*

Oh trust me I have checked them out!!! I FB stalked you many times already

*lmao, am sure you did!*

its a cop thing

might have to have my handcuffs ready for this trip, I usually only travel with my gun

*haha, oh my, did you see anything that peek your interest?*

Just enough to want to see more, but thats exactly how it should be, dont be naked, always leave something for the imagination!

I better be careful, is it safe to text with you? wouldnt want to get you in trouble

*by bikinis do you mean something like this? * (faceless bikini photo sent)

wow, really wow, omg!!! am speechless

another conversation

well that pic last night didnt help matters!!

*whoops!!!*

getting a bit warm in my car and its very cold winter outside!!

looking forward to doing some work with you _<-- this guy does photography on the side, just FYI_

*I know, am excited(err....maybe nervous too)*

*did you make it to the gym last night?*

no, and in part thanks to you!!!

*am sorry*


thats all, just bits and pieces, talks about family and work too....she likely deleted many that I havent bothered to try to retrieve yet....
for judgement of appropriateness only I posted the pic she sent, thou there have been others, none naked, will delete it very shortly!


----------



## MJJEAN

Nope, you aren't paranoid.


----------



## Lostinthought61

So yeah....you need to talk to your wife....and his wife and she needs to cancel the trip


----------



## turnera

Have you called his wife yet?


----------



## moth-into-flame

Yeah that's an affair. If I were you I would let her do as she wishes, then divorce. The texts alone are grounds for divorce - once the PA goes down you can walk away with righteous indignation and feel no guilt.

What an awful situation you're in. Sorry bro. Your wife is long gone.


----------



## 225985

They're flirting. Inappropriate but not a PA.

We are still waiting to hear why you checked the messages?

Did you ever cheat?


----------



## Spicy

Yep....you have every right to be concerned, angry, hurt and confused.
Barf...they both SUCK!


----------



## Tron

Totally flirting. 

Totally inappropriate. 

She is enjoying the ego kibbles.

Not PA yet, but could escalate quickly. 

I would lay down the law, cancel her trip, have a discussion with her about boundaries and that she is about 1 step away from getting hit with D. It might just be the shock to her system that says "WTF am I doing".


----------



## TX-SC

Okay, thanks for posting those. Time to burn that **** to the ground. Send the messages to his wife and confront yours. Tell her if she makes this trip, you and she are done. End of story.


----------



## Hope1964

Yup, you need to do the things Gus posted NOW. Do you need me to repost them again?


----------



## Chris Taylor

While I see the possibility of this becoming a physical affair, I don't think it's planned. She's visiting his family and had her daughter with her. Could it be? Sure.

I think at this point the only thing OP can do is get hold of his wife's phone (his battery is dead, etc...) and "innocently" "find" the evidence of the texts. He can't use his job as a reason.

Then have wife cancel the trip.

Then arrange for marriage counseling.


----------



## x598

the distance between these two is probably the only reason this hasn't gone further. if these two have had the opportunity, than it has happened.

OP has you wife gone on any other trips (phony business trips or girlfriend visits) recently?

sorry, but i would blow this up right now, TODAY. start by contacting his wife, then print this stuff out and show your wife. If she stone walls and lies and tries to cover her actions..... life as you know it is OVER.


----------



## ABHale

I do miss the adventure!


Are you sure they have not already been together?

You need to confront this weekend.


----------



## SunCMars

Thor said:


> Or, she is making it clear to OM she is not planning on leaving her marriage to live with OM. She wants him to understand this is only sex and fun, nothing more.


Over the years, I have personally heard that one from a couple of women co-workers. They love their spouse, but they are unhappy because he does not satisfy them in the bedroom.

I declined, both times...


----------



## threelittlestars

OMG...WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?

Burn this trip to the ground. Are you testing her to see how far she is willing to betray you? 

I worry about your state of mind? How are you feeling in all this. Are you numb? 

I would wait till the trip and as you drop her off at the airport I would slip her the transcript of texts in her carry on bag and all the times you can tell they had a phone conversation and tell her to Enjoy her trip at the bottom on the page written in Red writing. 

Then, as gently and lovingly as I could I would inform the OBS.(While the WW is flying) You are not informing to take Revenge, you are informing to have her have some control in her life. (Be as gentile with her as possible.) 

Have your wife land knowing that she has no place to go but back home. It will take her a long time to get back and you can have more time to figure out what you need to do. Move to another room in the house, Separate finances, etc.... but FREEZE her out while she is trying to get back home. 

Then wait for the actions of your spouse to guide your own actions from there.


----------



## Popcorn2015

MarriageEjected said:


> am not violating any company policy however am sure that what am doing would be frowned upon because I am using sensitive and proprietary company tools and means to gain access to this information.


Be real: if your employer knew you were using their system to spy on your wife's affair they would fire you. Not saying you should stop doing it, just don't reveal your sources or admit to anything. You have done nothing morally wrong.

Expose to your wife's family and OMW. That will end this affair immediately.



sokillme said:


> IF it was me, I would find out where she was staying and serve her papers to her hotel room, then I would ghost for at least a month when she got back. Turn her wonderful little trip to a nightmare and one of the worst moments of her life.


Idiotic. OP has kids.


----------



## rzmpf

In any case get legal advice and protect your assets according to the lawyer. She got you in trouble with debt twice already. Seems that she progressed from getting excitement by spending money and buying stuff to getting excitement through (sexual) attention. You also need to consider trouble that may arise with your job and you using company assets/services to surveill your wife even if it's your plan. Check that with the lawyer too. The OM is a cop so he may know a thing or two and obviously they know where your work, if they envolve a lawyer down the road there may be implications you did not expect. There could be state laws limiting what you are allowed to do

If this is enough for you to consider D I would let her go on the trip and blow the whole thing up (= calling OMW and showing her evidence that does not compromise you) when your wife arrives at her destination. If proving infidelity would give you a better standing in the procedures consider a PI to follow them around and blowing it up later (could be ****ty regarding OMW, may be good for your bank account and even for OMW if it helps her in her possible D depending on her local law).

If you want to try R then you have to confront your W before the trip and go from there.

If you take D categorically off the table you are effed already.

According to the texts they seem to expect some surveillance, at least in a semifunny way (keeping texts safe, using land line instead of mobile phone). Not so much that they won't stop texting (which may be deliberately planted to throw you off, or if honest confirms that she does want to keep you around for stability and "love" and use the OM for "adventure" and he seems to feel the same) but they are at least using your land line (if you can check how often and how long they talked) if not other apps or measures.



MarriageEjected said:


> another conversation
> 
> his loss, always fun to try new things
> 
> I do miss the adventure!
> 
> *I do too, are you able to receive calls?*
> 
> Yea, solo tonight
> 
> *Ok I will call you in a bit, but will use my house line though*


What "adventure"/new things were they talking about?


----------



## sokillme

Popcorn2015 said:


> Be real: if your employer knew you were using their system to spy on your wife's affair they would fire you. Not saying you should stop doing it, just don't reveal your sources or admit to anything. You have done nothing morally wrong.
> 
> Expose to your wife's family and OMW. That will end this affair immediately.
> 
> 
> 
> Idiotic. OP has kids.


I agree I forgot he had kids. I would still serve her but it would be before she left.


----------



## Popcorn2015

rzmpf said:


> If proving infidelity would give you a better standing in the procedures


In most states it doesn't. Your wife could have gone through all 53 of the Oakland Raiders football team in the week before you filed, but the court will still give her the same custody and cash everyone else gets.



> "Ok I will call you in a bit, but will use my house line though"


Anyone else thinking what I'm thinking?


----------



## 225985

Popcorn2015 said:


> .
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Anyone else thinking what I'm thinking?




Enlighten us.


----------



## Thor

Ok, the texts seal it for me. This is a full blown EA on her part. The OM is absolutely expecting sex while she is there. She is wanting sex while there.

First thing I would do is talk to an atty. You need to set things up and set things in motion which protect you, your assets, and your children.

The second thing I would do is set up legal surveillance such as a recording device on your home phone line, and a key logger on the family computer. If she is driving to the destination on this trip, I would GPS the car.

The third thing I would do is scrub all evidence from work computers. Be prepared to deny everything to your wife, OM, and anyone else aside from your employer. If your employer asks you about it, and they probably have the ability to trace what you've done, I would be prepared with an honest answer that it was only your own account (which they will probably be able to confirm), and you realized it was a mistake so you erased everything. If you believe with certainty they cannot trace that you accessed the messages, I would deny doing it. I would also consult with an atty about this to be sure of your legal rights and risks here. Most employers will fire for lying but may forgive mistakes which are admitted to. Anyhow, I would not leave this possible Sword of Damocles hanging over your head.

Next, figure out some simple believable cover story. You used her phone for a google search or map and saw an open text message. Keep it simple and don't get sucked into details. You saw an open message on her phone. Period. You don't need to give her all the details of what you posted here. When you confront, you tell her you know she is taking her sexual interests and emotions outside of the marriage, and you will not remain married to someone who does that. You know this because you saw proof on her phone. Don't let her drag you off of that, and don't offer more. Simple, and broken record. You saw proof on her phone. Joe Old Cop is his name, and he lives in Xtown where she is planning her trip.

See how that works? You don't let her put you on the defensive explaining how you found out or revealing how much you know. She wants to know how and how much so that she can minimize the damage. She also wants to blameshift and rock you back onto your heels. Don't let her. Broken record my friend. You know, and you won't remain married to someone who does that.

Firm action is your best strategy. Have divorce papers from your state website printed out and lay them on the table in front of her. Tell her you have an atty who advises while a divorce is not ideal that you will come out ok.

You're looking for true remorse to set in quickly with her. Not sorrow for being caught, but remorse for what she has done already to harm you. If she gets belligerent or shows no sorrow, file the divorce. It doesn't cost much, and this path really is the highest probability of rescuing your marriage.

When you have your ducks in a row and immediately prior to confronting your wife, inform OM's wife. Give her enough, perhaps the text of one or two messages, so she has some proof. Don't reveal to her too soon because then OM will warn your wife. And vice versa, don't wait to inform OM's wife because he will be forewarned by your wife.


----------



## Thor

Just to be clear, your wife is already in an affair. Busting this affair will require exposure, no contact, a timeline from her of all their communications and meetings, IC for her, MC for you, complete access to all of her electronics and accounts.


----------



## michzz

Even if you want to divorce her, stay?, why not c0ckblock the meeting? You should go on the trip. make it extremely hard for her to do the deed with the jerk.

Tell her you've seen the emails/text messages and have them stashed. That if she wants any chance to stay married to you, then she admits to it and ends any contact with the jerk.

Of course, she will be furious and try to make it as an invasion of privacy/and it only happened because of your "controlling" behavior, and so on.

Personally? I would start divorce proceedings, separating finances, filing with the help of a lawyer. Any woman who wants stray d!ck has already checked out of the marriage. You are merely a convenient ATM machine and a way to hide out as a "respectable" woman who has a good reputation.


----------



## Popcorn2015

blueinbr said:


> Enlighten us.


I think he called her to talk about how the financial markets will respond to the new presidential administration. They probably also discussed the NFL playoff picture and what US policy towards Cuba should be going forward.

...I can't think of anything else they might have done during their phone conversation, what about you?


----------



## michzz

Popcorn2015 said:


> I think he called her to talk about how the financial markets will respond to the new presidential administration. They probably also discussed the NFL playoff picture and what US policy towards Cuba should be going forward.
> 
> ...I can't think of anything else they might have done during their phone conversation, what about you?


Maybe they shared puppy YouTube videos?


----------



## 225985

Popcorn2015 said:


> I think he called her to talk about how the financial markets will respond to the new presidential administration. They probably also discussed the NFL playoff picture and what US policy towards Cuba should be going forward.
> 
> 
> 
> ...I can't think of anything else they might have done during their phone conversation, what about you?




My question was more about why land line vs cell. (Eyes roll)


----------



## bandit.45

I'm sorry this is happening to you friend. It hurts when someone you love betrays you. There are no words for it. 

But yes...she is deep into an emotional affair, and if she goes on this trip she will meet him and they will have sex....many times. 

It's up to you what you want to do, but if I were you, I would fight for my marriage and family. Tell her you know and tell her if she goes then you will file for divorce. You don't have to fly off the handle, you don't have to scream or yell. In fact, stating things in a matter of fact manner will carry far more impact than a screaming fit will. That's my recommendation.


----------



## becareful2

I find this question a bit odd. If you still love her, then intervene and work to save your marriage. If you don't love her, then let her know that you'll have divorce papers ready when she comes back from screwing her AP. Your house is burning; do you intervene or stand by and watch?


----------



## straightshooter

becareful2 said:


> I find this question a bit odd. If you still love her, then intervene and work to save your marriage. If you don't love her, then let her know that you'll have divorce papers ready when she comes back from screwing her AP. Your house is burning; do you intervene or stand by and watch?


It appears you have to make a choice her my friend. Either you remove yourself from infidelity or you save the marriage at all costs. Does not look like you can do both.

And I am again going to repeat this. Read the endless tales here or any forum you want to about men not being able to deal with the mind movies of their wives having sex with OM. If you sit back and let her go on this trip with no consequences what happens when she gets back. Really think you will get the truth???? Really think she will tell you she ****ed him all week end??? You'll be wondering for years.

Now as far as this crap about her being able to contact him again some other way and you not being able to stop her, that is nonsense. Of course she can do that but it does not mean you have to make it easy by putting your head in the sand. The advice to just let her go and divorce her is fine IF you want a divorce. But if you want any chance to save your marriage, you need to make her understand that while you cannot stop her you can control the outcome. 

You tell her she is free to go, but that when she returns it will be to divorce papers that you will consider ripping up once she passes a polygraph test saying she did not see him, talk to him, or is not in contact with him electronically. Now if it sounds better to sit there and play the pick me game when she returns, go fo it.


----------



## jsmart

MarriageEjected said:


> interesting twist...she told me this morning last night she couldnt sleep well because I wasnt home, so she ended up staying late. I checked the messages and sure enough she had texted him around 1am. the messages were pretty innocent, talking about weather and snow and stuff. He asks her why I wasnt sleeping at home and if things were ok between us, and she replied with something like "yes things are ok, I love that man, he is the love of my life." *there were no more texts after that, it just went dark*....what make out of this?


I suspect things have been off and your gut has caused you to go into spy mode. Well your wife can also pick up on things as well. Your wife must suspect that you're on to her and that text was a way to let douche know to lay low. Look for a burner phone. She may have one now.

The text that you shared on other post are definitely enough for you to intervene. This is already an EA. She hasn't sent him a naked pic because the cop instructed her not to. He's is coaching her. There's no doubt that ff this guy was within driving distance he would already been deep in her.

The time for action is NOW. This POS wants to fvck the mother of your children and you're being so passive. You must find your inner warrior and fight for your family. Once this guy slides into her, your family and everything you've built will be destroyed. 

A WW in the fog longing for new d!ck may push back on a weak husband, that I suspect you are, unless he is BOLD. I'm talking Shock and Awe. Confront with the facts and making it clear that divorce is on the table. At the same time expose this POS to his wife and your wife's family. You must not give her no quarter. 

Have VARs in her car and room that she normally goes to have private conversations so you can capture calls that she's inevitably going to make to try to get their story straight or to some "friend" that she may confide in.


----------



## Malaise

straightshooter said:


> It appears you have to make a choice her my friend. Either you remove yourself from infidelity or you save the marriage at all costs. Does not look like you can do both.
> 
> And I am again going to repeat this. Read the endless tales here or any forum you want to about men not being able to deal with the mind movies of their wives having sex with OM. If you sit back and let her go on this trip with no consequences what happens when she gets back. Really think you will get the truth???? Really think she will tell you she ****ed him all week end??? You'll be wondering for years.
> 
> Now as far as this crap about her being able to contact him again some other way and you not being able to stop her, that is nonsense. Of course she can do that but it does not mean you have to make it easy by putting your head in the sand. The advice to just let her go and divorce her is fine IF you want a divorce. But if you want any chance to save your marriage, you need to make her understand that while you cannot stop her you can control the outcome.
> 
> You tell her she is free to go, but that when she returns it will be to divorce papers that you will consider ripping up once she passes a polygraph test saying she did not see him, talk to him, or is not in contact with him electronically. Now if it sounds better to sit there and play the pick me game when she returns, go fo it.


She's already cheated. Do you still want to be married to her?

Give her a choice : go and return to divorce papers or stay and work on the marriage.

I'll bet a dollar she'll still go because she has little respect for you. And, she'll think you're bluffing.


----------



## becareful2

Here's what I'd do:

If she's driving or hitching a ride to the airport, wait for about ten minutes and text her, "I'll have divorce papers ready when you get back from your vacation." If she calls you, don't answer. If she texts, don't answer. If she cares enough to turn around, then tell her, "I know but I'm not going to tell you what I know. You, on the other hand, have today only to tell me everything, and if it doesn't match up with what I know or if it leaves me with doubt, then we are done."

Don't explode or go into a tirade. Just remain cold and unassuming.


----------



## MarriageEjected

I forgot my password and was afraid to get locked out of this.....am going to chill for the weekend and see a therapist and attorney on Monday, am off for the rest of the year. Today even my boss, she told me "you dont look allright, whats going on??" I told her it was nothing serious, just stressing over the holidays, I have known her for over 10 years, she knows.
The trip still a while away I have time to get my head together, investigate some more and lay low I think, I dont know, I suck at this am sure. I am worried I will f*ck up any confrontation, lose my thought, things like that, I dont know crap about this stuff.
I am definitely not giving her crappy sex, I always do oral on her and make her finish, she does her fem ejac thing and all, many times (sorry....just want to be clear), at least 3-4 times a week, what hell else does she want?? 

I did have a fling thing with her sister geez like right before we got married very long time ago, she is a couple years younger than W and was very very hot then. She pursued me, am pretty sure she was mad that her sis was marrying me and getting new house, car, etc....but we never had sex, kissed and groped but that was it, and only once. Her sis invited me to her dorm one time after that and I said no, we never even talked about it since then ever, and W is not suppose to know anything.....I doubt she suddenly found out. I know what I did was wrong but I was young and stupid and was most definitely pursued very hard....f me I knew this would come back and bite me one day....but man it was nothing and in the end I stood my ground and said no.


----------



## Marc878

Quit making excuses to sit back and do nothing. What happened years ago before you were married has no bearing on this. Your wife is making a conscious decision to have an affair behind your back and you are paralyzed with fear. 

All you have to do is send some info yo the other mans wife and sit back. You lay around and wait for them to have some hot affair sex you'll be in 100 times worse shape because not matter what you'll want to try and take her back. Living with that will be a killer.

They don't care if you your life, family and future is destroyed in the process. 

Better wake the hell up!!!!!


----------



## Marc878

Read up and wake up

http://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=A0LE..._Guy.pdf/RK=0/RS=sJWB8o9X4IHhq_ibKkng5eOcfGc-


----------



## Evinrude58

Consistently you've been told by people who have been through what you're going through now, that you need to either divorce, or absolutely crush her fantasyland with this guy by exposing and filing for divorce. I totally agree. I've been where you've been. Didn't eat for two months.
Couldn't function properly, couldn't think clearly.
You can't, either.

So here's what to do:
File for divorce.
Expose to other man's wife and coldly tell her she can either end her fantasy and make amends, or divorce it is. 

There is no middle ground in this. It's either f up her world and see true remorse, or divorce. 

Either way, the fact is that your wife isn't in love with you right now. Filing for divorce and exposing to other mAn's wife should be priority one.
When she comes and asks you why you ratted them out---- just shrug your shoulders and act like she's the plague. She is. 
SHE can make this right with YOU. If you act like you even care about her at this point, you'll repulse her. That's how a real man acts in her weak mind. 

Sorry, but nothing but iron will of superman can be shown here. Not what you're feeling/showing.
You don't have choice if you want to keep your family. You will want to kiss her and hug her and make love to her if she ACTS remorseful. You'd better resist that urge. The more she sees you as hatefully angry and disinterested in making up, the better.
Everything you want to do-- do the opposite.


----------



## jsmart

If you're finding it hard to get your courage, then you need to think of your 3 kids. Your wife is trying to blow up the family. They need you to fight. Once she has sex with this guy, the little feelings she has for you will be out the door. Don't let it go any further. Once she's sullied, you'll rightly dump her but for now she hasn't been defiled.

Go look at post from WW in the OW section of Loveshack. Hundreds of women pining away ALL DAY, giving all of the emotional energy to their OM. Nothing left in the tank for their kids and especially the BH. 

Anger is better than despair. It's time for some righteous anger. You need to fearlessly fight for your family.


----------



## jsmart

If your co-workers are seeing you showing signs of distress, your wife will definitely pick up on that. Which would explain the text to Mr Douche cop about you being the love of her life and no further communication. 

She may have been warning him. You need to look for a burner phone. The reason they may have stopped communicating was because she reached out to him on another phone.


----------



## Chaparral

Take her phone whether she wants you to or not, run Dr.Fone on it and retrieve the deleted messages. That gets you away from revealing your work source.
Get a digital voice recorder and keep it on you to avoid abuse charges. Also get one for the house while you are away.
Contacting his wife is absolutely a must.


----------



## straightshooter

Chaparral said:


> Take her phone whether she wants you to or not, run Dr.Fone on it and retrieve the deleted messages. That gets you away from revealing your work source.
> Get a digital voice recorder and keep it on you to avoid abuse charges. Also get one for the house while you are away.
> Contacting his wife is absolutely a must.


This might be OK but you already know what they are planning. If you do this DO NOT ask her for the phone and get into a wrestling match with her or she might call the cops. If you are on the phone plan and pay for the phone I do not think she can charge you with stealing her property. Of course, had you seen an attorney like you were told from the start you would know that already.

You wife is planning to go **** another man. You still have to decide on if you are going to let it happen and eat more **** sandwich or not and act.

One more thing. When and if (I hope) you confront her, you do not run right to MC until you know you have the entire truth. Waste of time to do therapy with someone in an active affair, and your wife is. And if your marriage can be saved you will see how quickly her fantasy dissipates once she has divorce papers (consequences) in her hand versus you pleading with her to let you try to make her happy. You can read on these forums for a thousand hours and those of us that go "nuclear" as they call it have a much better track record of knocking this so called "fog" out of them than those that play the pick me game


----------



## notmyrealname4

MarriageEjected said:


> Nothing relating to infidelity ever that am aware of and yes his W would definitely be pissed if she saw them,* there are pictures included, very erotic I guess, but nothing revealed.*...





MarriageEjected said:


> OK, you are right, I should have posted the initial messages first....here they are (my W messages are in BOLD)
> 
> 
> *So, finally booked the trip, we are coming up for year end*
> 
> oh, very cool!!!
> 
> *Thats it? just cool??*
> 
> *Trying to keep texting safe (smiley)*
> 
> 
> another conversation
> 
> *Finally get to see my gorgeous friend* a lot more
> 
> *well still well over a couple weeks away*
> 
> 
> another conversation
> 
> You dont need to do a thing,* really you look totally amazing, 10 out of 10
> *
> *Well, thank you kindly but after 3 kids I still think I have plenty to work on!*
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> another conversation
> 
> *you are missing bikinis and the beach! we know where your mind is*
> 
> *Yes, I got a weakness for beautiful women like you, where else would my mind be?
> *
> *hmmm, IDK, you tell me*
> 
> Well, I am thinking about those pictures you sent, how incredible you look, and how I would love to see you, just being honest.
> 
> *I figured as much, ha!*
> 
> *I have some older ones on my FB*
> 
> Oh trust me I have checked them out!!! I FB stalked you many times already
> 
> *lmao, am sure you did!*
> 
> its a cop thing
> 
> *might have to have my handcuffs ready for this trip*, I usually only travel with my gun
> 
> *haha, oh my, did you see anything that peek your interest?*
> 
> Just enough to want to see more, but thats exactly how it should be, dont be naked, always leave something for the imagination!
> 
> I better be careful, is it safe to text with you? wouldnt want to get you in trouble
> 
> *by bikinis do you mean something like this? * (faceless bikini photo sent)
> 
> wow, really wow, omg!!! am speechless




Why would you want to save your marriage to this person? I don't know why anyone here would recommend it.







MarriageEjected said:


> *I did have a fling thing with her sister geez like right before we got married very long time ago,* she is a couple years younger than W and was very very hot then. She pursued me, am pretty sure she was mad that her sis was marrying me and getting new house, car, etc....but we never had sex, kissed and groped but that was it, and only once. Her sis invited me to her dorm one time after that and I said no, we never even talked about it since then ever, and W is not suppose to know anything.....I doubt she suddenly found out. I know what I did was wrong but I was young and stupid and was most definitely pursued very hard....f me I knew this would come back and bite me one day....but man it was nothing and in the end I stood my ground and said no.




Nice how you waited to share this story. If your wife ever found out about this; she's probably hated you ever since.


----------



## nursejackie

I was a WW 25 years ago. 
Started as a coworker friendship then an EA and eventually a PA. What would have shut it down in the EA stage? If my H had gone nuclear on me. If he had confronted about communication and dinners and phonecalls etc. If he had said VERY CLEARLY I dont care what you do but I'm not sticking around for this s#it. You are behaving like an immature lovesick teenager and I am not interested in being married to someone so selfish and disgusting. You have been cruel and unfeeling to me as your husband disrespected our marriage and family. I am drawing up separation papers you can have your little fling hope it was worth it. I'll let om's wife know as well.

The shock and shame of that scenario I think would have knocked me out of my fog. It would have created such a panic in me at the thought of losing my family and my husband. The disappointment in his eyes would have blown things up.

He would have to have been very strong and decisive. If I thought there was an opportunity to rugsweep and cake eat the fog would have had a chance to creep back in.

I always loved my husband. I never wanted a divorce. I never wanted OM. I wanted what both gave me. I actually needed things from H that he wasnt giving me no matter how hard I tried to ask him for it. It was attention, presence, companionship- and by the way our sex life (H and I) was awesome. OM was nothing compared to him


----------



## Thor

straightshooter said:


> One more thing. When and if (I hope) you confront her, you do not run right to MC until you know you have the entire truth. Waste of time to do therapy with someone in an active affair, and your wife is.


Probably correct, but ... if the therapist has integrity they will not continue therapy if they know the affair is ongoing. It is common to do individual sessions as well as joint sessions of MC. If the therapist bails out it is likely they found out the affair is still ongoing. They will first try to get the cheater to confess, but if they won't then the therapist with integrity will fire the clients. This is a sure sign to the betrayed that an affair (maybe not the one known to the BS!) is ongoing or there is some other major deception (child isn't the husband's, financial infidelity, etc).

Not all therapists have this kind of integrity, or they have the philosophy that they are helping the BS in small increments even if the truth has not been fully revealed.


----------



## Thor

MarriageEjected said:


> I did have a fling thing with her sister geez like right before we got married very long time ago, she is a couple years younger than W and was very very hot then. She pursued me, am pretty sure she was mad that her sis was marrying me and getting new house, car, etc....but we never had sex, kissed and groped but that was it, and only once. Her sis invited me to her dorm one time after that and I said no, we never even talked about it since then ever, and W is not suppose to know anything.....I doubt she suddenly found out. I know what I did was wrong but I was young and stupid and was most definitely pursued very hard....f me I knew this would come back and bite me one day....but man it was nothing and in the end I stood my ground and said no.


Well that is completely irrelevant to the current situation, and, you can now never ever reveal this to your wife.

Your wife cheating today is not your fault. Whether or not she ever suspected or knew of this little thing happening, her cheating now is her choice. Let's imagine she knew about your kissy thing with her sister. That would give your wife the right to either not marry you, divorce you, demand you make amends, or just let it go. I don't want to be the bearer of bad news, but there is no such thing as Karma. Your actions back then did not create some kind of cosmic payback.

You did a shtty thing back then, though you showed enough integrity to stop before it was sex. But the statute of limitations has run out after all these years. You feel terrible and you know it was wrong. It was before you were married. Suffering through your wife now cheating on you is not going to fix anything for you!!!

Absent any issues with your wife cheating, we all here would recommend that years ago you should have come clean to your wife about it. Not now. Your wife will use this against you. She will beat you over the head with it, and she'll play on your guilt. She'll see it as justification for her affair, and she won't feel any guilt.

*Telling her about your fumbling around with her sister before you were married will 100% destroy any chance of saving your marriage.* 

Don't do it. Just don't do it. You want to lead by example, being kind and honest with her so that she'll be kind and honest with you. It *never* works out when you do that. Never.


----------



## Thor

One last thing to think about. Going 007 is fine to find out what you're dealing with. You already know what you're dealing with. The value of placing a VAR to catch her voice calls with OM is probably zero, and anything you hear will only hurt you more. Collecting evidence from here on out only serves 2 legitimate purposes. One is to verify she has cut off all contact with him after you confront her. The other is to use in the divorce if it can make a difference where you live.

I would carefully search the house for a burner phone. Also her car. Check every little cubby in the car, including under the seats, where the spare tire is, etc. Check inside all her shoes in the closet, pockets of clothing hanging in her closet, inside unused purses. The burner phone will be somewhere she can easily access it but where you would likely never accidentally stumble on it. Be sure to leave everything exactly where you found it.

I think you are at risk of getting overly anxious if you start spying on her. You already know she is in an affair and intends to have sex with the OM. You don't need any more data to confront her, to demand she go NC, or to initiate divorce.


----------



## jsmart

I'm going to echo @Thor on not discussing what happened before you were married. Your wife will try to use that as some justification for her adultery. 

You kissing her sister when you were just dating vs your wife plotting to have sex after 14 years of marriage and 3 kids is no way in the same league. Don't be like so many BHs that come here and try to elevate something that they did to justify your inaction for your WW's actions.

You need to shut this down already. Everyday that passes makes that more problematic. 

Also going to repeat myself for a 3rd time. *Look for a burner phone.* That text about you being the love of her life was a signal to douche to lay low.


----------



## Roselyn

Career woman here and 37 years married (first time marriage for the both of us). Your wife is taking a bold move to travel at New Year's to plan to meet up with this man (mutual friend of yours), bringing your daughter along. She does not respect nor fear any outcomes of her actions. Carry through seeing your attorney to protect your rights.

You need to decide whether you wish to save this marriage or not. If you wish to save this marriage, go with your wife on this trip. Expose this planned meetup with your friend's wife without notice to your wife. See if you can get the Other Man's Wife to give you more information and evidence. 

Really sorry you are here. I am without sympathy for cheaters.


----------



## nursejackie

Thor said:


> Well that is completely irrelevant to the current situation, and, you can now never ever reveal this to your wife.
> 
> Your wife cheating today is not your fault. Whether or not she ever suspected or knew of this little thing happening, her cheating now is her choice. Let's imagine she knew about your kissy thing with her sister. That would give your wife the right to either not marry you, divorce you, demand you make amends, or just let it go. I don't want to be the bearer of bad news, but there is no such thing as Karma. Your actions back then did not create some kind of cosmic payback.
> 
> You did a shtty thing back then, though you showed enough integrity to stop before it was sex. But the statute of limitations has run out after all these years. You feel terrible and you know it was wrong. It was before you were married. Suffering through your wife now cheating on you is not going to fix anything for you!!!
> 
> Absent any issues with your wife cheating, we all here would recommend that years ago you should have come clean to your wife about it. Not now. Your wife will use this against you. She will beat you over the head with it, and she'll play on your guilt. She'll see it as justification for her affair, and she won't feel any guilt.
> 
> *Telling her about your fumbling around with her sister before you were married will 100% destroy any chance of saving your marriage.*
> 
> Don't do it. Just don't do it. You want to lead by example, being kind and honest with her so that she'll be kind and honest with you. It *never* works out when you do that. Never.


The majority of advice I got was to absolutely come clean about my 25 year old affair (no PIV or oral) as a way of showing H that I was willing to be vulnerable and honest hoping that he would then be able to come clean about his.

Pros- I felt much better after my admission. I felt it allowed me to form a new relationship based on honesty. 

Cons- He did not open up about any ongoing affair ( i have not proven that there was anything more than the beginnings of an EA) 
-He did use it against me whenever I tried to discuss what I felt was an innappropriate relationship and his lying. He would shut down any conversation we were having by saying he wouldnt speak of it because I WAS guilty of doing things and he was completely innocent.
He eventually after a poly admitted to being with 4 woman 4 different times dancing and kissing when he was out of town years ago. He definately did use my disclosure against me as a way of avoiding any feelings of guilt and then justifying anything he had done.

Would I tell him if I was going to do it over? Yes - although it didnt help the issue at hand -it made me feel better to have finally been honest with him. We are trying to recover from this. Time will tell.

I had gone to 2 counselors before this and both had told me not to tell him. If I did it would just hurt him and would further harm the marriage.


----------



## Evinrude58

Thor said:


> Well that is completely irrelevant to the current situation, and, you can now never ever reveal this to your wife.
> 
> Your wife cheating today is not your fault. Whether or not she ever suspected or knew of this little thing happening, her cheating now is her choice. Let's imagine she knew about your kissy thing with her sister. That would give your wife the right to either not marry you, divorce you, demand you make amends, or just let it go. I don't want to be the bearer of bad news, but there is no such thing as Karma. Your actions back then did not create some kind of cosmic payback.
> 
> You did a shtty thing back then, though you showed enough integrity to stop before it was sex. But the statute of limitations has run out after all these years. You feel terrible and you know it was wrong. It was before you were married. Suffering through your wife now cheating on you is not going to fix anything for you!!!
> 
> Absent any issues with your wife cheating, we all here would recommend that years ago you should have come clean to your wife about it. Not now. Your wife will use this against you. She will beat you over the head with it, and she'll play on your guilt. She'll see it as justification for her affair, and she won't feel any guilt.
> 
> *Telling her about your fumbling around with her sister before you were married will 100% destroy any chance of saving your marriage.*
> 
> Don't do it. Just don't do it. You want to lead by example, being kind and honest with her so that she'll be kind and honest with you. It *never* works out when you do that. Never.


Just clicking like didn't really say it. Absolutely correct....., listen to this


----------



## Evinrude58

As said. Burner phone.
No doubt a signal that she knows you're looking. If the trip is on, the affair is ongoing. 

You really should be divorcing this woman. Really. 
She is neither faithful, nor has respect for you. 

You want to keep her, keep your life, not rob yourself if your live for her.
From experience, I can very plainly and confidently tell you that your love for your wife is YOUR own worst enemy. It is going to bring you nothing but pain now.

File for divorce, let her know you know what the trip is about, and at least ACT like you don't care if she's still alive.

That is your only chance. Anything you are told that sounds logical or reasonable about being living or caring, but firm. Dismiss that crap. Go nuclear or prepare for a repeat performance, even if she chooses to stay married to you. Good chance she'll cheat again anyway--- because she wants to.


----------



## 225985

blueinbr said:


> Did you ever cheat?



Cough. 

Why am I not surprised. 

Her freaking sister? The ultimate in betrayal. 

Your excuse was that sis was HOT and kept up the pressure?

Maybe cop is keeping up the pressure. 

This is a game changer whether you accept it or not.


----------



## notmyrealname4

MarriageEjected said:


> I did have a fling thing with her sister geez like right before we got married very long time ago, she is a couple years younger than W and *was very very hot then*. She pursued me, am pretty sure she was mad that her sis was marrying me and getting new house, car, etc....but we never had sex,* kissed and groped but that was it, and only once.* Her sis invited me to her dorm one time after that and I said no, we never even talked about it since then ever, and W is not suppose to know anything.....I doubt she suddenly found out. I know what I did was wrong but I was young and stupid and was most definitely pursued very hard....f me I knew this would come back and bite me one day....but man it was nothing and in the end I stood my ground and said no.




I'm surprised that some folks here are minimizing this.

What you did with her sister right before you got married *DOES NOT* justify what your wife is doing now. No way. Your wife is engaging in some crappola behavior.

But "right before" your wedding, you "kissed and groped" her "very very hot" sister.

1.) Define "grope"

2.) I can tell you from personal experience that your wife knows you think her sister is hot. It's not a happy, comfortable feeling; I can assure you.

AGAIN, what you did then, _does not_ excuse your wife's hot and heavy texts with the cop.

But it does make me question your level of love and attraction to her; right from the beginning.

Who knows if your wife has yet "kissed and groped" her LEO friend. She wants to, apparently.

BTW, I do think it was gutsy and honest for you to admit to the make out session with your sister-in-law. I think a lot of the folks who come here complaining about their spouses behavior leave out these "little" details, because they don't want to look bad.


----------



## 225985

Thor said:


> Well that is completely irrelevant to the current situation, and, you can now never ever reveal this to your wife.
> 
> 
> 
> Your wife cheating today is not your fault. Whether or not she ever suspected or knew of this little thing happening, her cheating now is her choice. Let's imagine she knew about your kissy thing with her sister. That would give your wife the right to either not marry you, divorce you, demand you make amends, or just let it go. I don't want to be the bearer of bad news, but there is no such thing as Karma. Your actions back then did not create some kind of cosmic payback.
> 
> 
> 
> You did a shtty thing back then, though you showed enough integrity to stop before it was sex. But the statute of limitations has run out after all these years. You feel terrible and you know it was wrong. It was before you were married. Suffering through your wife now cheating on you is not going to fix anything for you!!!
> 
> 
> 
> Absent any issues with your wife cheating, we all here would recommend that years ago you should have come clean to your wife about it. Not now. Your wife will use this against you. She will beat you over the head with it, and she'll play on your guilt. She'll see it as justification for her affair, and she won't feel any guilt.
> 
> 
> 
> *Telling her about your fumbling around with her sister before you were married will 100% destroy any chance of saving your marriage.*
> 
> 
> 
> Don't do it. Just don't do it. You want to lead by example, being kind and honest with her so that she'll be kind and honest with you. It *never* works out when you do that. Never.




There is no statue of limitations. Not even 24 yrs 7 months later. They don't forget. 

From what OP said, he did more with Sis than wife has done with cop. 

Maybe wife needs same chance to walk away from temptation, like OP. 

Expose both or expose neither. OP should read @nursejackie

Yes it very very relevant.


----------



## bandit.45

M.E., why are you afraid? What about your wife scares you? 

Are you timid and passive in all aspects of your life?


----------



## MarriageEjected

blueinbr said:


> Cough.
> 
> Why am I not surprised.
> 
> Her freaking sister? The ultimate in betrayal.
> 
> Your excuse was that sis was HOT and kept up the pressure?
> 
> Maybe cop is keeping up the pressure.
> 
> This is a game changer whether you accept it or not.


ok give me a break man, I vaguely recall any of that, it was like 15y ago, her sis had her own intentions, she was very jealous of my wife and I was too young and stupid back then to see that. She was sun tanning in our pool patio and my W stepped away to the grocery store or something am not sure, I dont even recall she had left, I went back looking for her and there is her sis, alone....sunbathing...she tells me to rub more lotion on her...I was stumped and didnt move much, didnt say a word...she gets up and takes off her bikini top and walks up to me.....I need say no more....yea i was an idiot.....I let it happen, but she literally threw herself at me man.

*anyways*....I couldnt take it this morning anymore, found out she sent the guy another sensitive pic, pissed me off. Please dont ask me how, I cant really get into that detail, is like i was in autopilot and with tunnel vision, but I pushed an update to her phone that basically the next time she texted him it automatically turned it into a one time group chat for the next 5 SMS messages, that included my number, this gave me a way to make it look like she had accidentally added me to the message conversation, it didnt take her long to realize what had happened, but right before then I was already all over her...I asked her wtf was going on and who this was and why she sent that pic and I wanted a clear explanation. She looked very confused, rebooted her phone....and she said it was nothing she was just flirting with this guy, that is totally meaningless, started crying a lot on our bed...I froze, couldnt really say much, who knows, judge me if you must, I am who I am......I took off and left the house, told her we are in non-talking terms now...am still gone, I will FB chat the OMW shortly and let her know.....she is not showing active right now.

I cant deny I love her a lot, I want her so bad its insane, this isnt that easy like some of you may think one can do it, am a wreck right now and thats on a couple of xanax already. I feel numb, weird, disconnected...the works. I am not into alcohol so thats not me....I did open this up to a close friend of mine, he said its worth trying to save what we have, that the kids would be devastated by divorce....am not made of steel man, am at the breaking point here, I need to slow down a bit for my own sake. will update later, need a break.....still no food.


----------



## bandit.45

No one is asking you to be made of steel. What we are asking you to do is value yourself. You think we want you to make these grand gestures...to be mean and nasty and ruthless. That's not what we mean. 

All anyone here has asked you to do is show her the truth. Reveal that you know the truth and then let the truth find its own way. You very succinctly set your boundaries and stick to them, and then follow through with your promises. You avoid conflict, and that in and of itself makes you look weak, and is probably one of the reasons she has lost respect for you. 

Stay silent for a while, make a gameplan, write down some questions and then go back home and level with her.


----------



## Marc878

If you want to save this for the longterm you'd better let her know you're willing to end it.

If you start doing the "pick me dance" or try Nicing her back you will put yourself in limbo immediately.

I'd tell her she makes the trip don't plan on coming back. 

@bandit.45 made a good point. Put some thought into this and write it down. Nothing like a good plan to get you through this.

Stand your ground now or you'll set the tone for continued hell.

Make sure you expose to other mans wife without warning. Do not skip this step!!!!!


----------



## jsmart

Get your but in the house and confront her. Tell her you know about the visit to uncle Buck's house with your daughter is so she can get with officer old d!ck. This is not a time despair. Let her see righteous anger from her husband fighting for the family. Also when you talk, let her believe you know more so she will come clean.

It was a bad move to leave when she could be talking on a burner or even the regular phone and giving deputy homewrecker a heads up. You must expose his old @ss before he tells his wife that you're some abusive control freak. We've seen this MANY times. This guy is going to coach your wife. You should have a VAR in her car and in the house already.

Expose to her parents and anyone that can have some leverage on her. Not in a look your daughter's a wh0re but in a help me fight for the marriage. DO THIS NOW.


----------



## Marc878

MarriageEjected said:


> I cant deny I love her a lot, I want her so bad its insane, this isnt that easy like some of you may think one can do it, am a wreck right now and thats on a couple of xanax already. I feel numb, weird, disconnected...the works. I am not into alcohol so thats not me....I did open this up to a close friend of mine, he said its worth trying to save what we have, that the kids would be devastated by divorce....am not made of steel man, am at the breaking point here, I need to slow down a bit for my own sake. will update later, need a break.....still no food.


Good start. 

No one is prepared for this. It's a shock. Don't let your heart override your brain. The ones who come out of this best get strong quick and stay there.

You're likely to get blameshifting, etc. don't get sidetracked. Stay on point.

You've got enough so she can't lie out of it. You're way ahead of most although it may not feel like it at this time.

She needs to come away with the thought that she's put everything in jeopardy and this is all on her. Do not jump in and offer R upfront. She need some t own her sh!t first and give some indication she's worth that gift.

Drink so you don't get dehydrated and try and eat something.

Limited exposure at this time is a good thing. You need the support. 

Good luck


----------



## Roselyn

MarriageEjected said:


> She looked very confused, rebooted her phone....and she said it was nothing she was just flirting with this guy, that is totally meaningless, started crying a lot on our bed...I froze, couldnt really say much, who knows, judge me if you must, I am who I am......I took off and left the house, told her we are in non-talking terms now...am still gone, I will FB chat the OMW shortly and let her know.....she is not showing active right now.


Classic, shed the crocodile tears when caught! Don't fall for this act. Direct message the OMW's wife and send her your cell phone number. What are you waiting for? Your wife is going to have a jump on you and will spin a tale before the OMW will hear of your side of the story.

It's important that you stay strong and take care of your health. You posted that you have not eaten yet. Guard your health as your situation will not get any better as you are in this initial stage of discovery and exposure. You need to have the right mindset in dealing with your situation and this begins with good health.


----------



## straightshooter

Roselyn said:


> Classic, shed the crocodile tears when caught! Don't fall for this act. Direct message the OMW's wife and send her your cell phone number. What are you waiting for? Your wife is going to have a jump on you and will spin a tale before the OMW will hear of your side of the story.
> 
> It's important that you stay strong and take care of your health. You posted that you have not eaten yet. Guard your health as your situation will not get any better as you are in this initial stage of discovery and exposure. You need to have the right mindset in dealing with your situation and this begins with good health.


ME,

OK, now she's crying but she is going to stick to the story that it is meaningless flirting and if you let that stand you confrontation was a waste. It is time to let her know she is in an affair and that you are NOT going to stand for it. And now while SHE is in a state of a little shock is the exact time you need to lower the boom on her before her and OM can concoct a bull **** story to sell you. Friend, we all know you are hurting but this is not going away by itself.

Now is the time to tell her you are seeing an attorney and the burden is on HER to prove she is stopping this **** right now NOT on you begging her to stop. 

Forget her tears. It is all manipulation and you have the power to show her she will not get away with it. Get back to the house an lower the boom.


----------



## bandit.45

The only men who successfully reconcile with cheating wives are the men who go nuclear and lay down the law and tell them what will happen and set the rules for reconciliation. Only men who take their wives to the brink of divorce and let them dangle over the edge are the ones who save their marriages. We have seen stories just like yours over and over and over again. Indecisive, wishy-washy men almost always, 99% of the time, get hosed and railroaded by unremorseful wives. 

Don't be one of those guys.


----------



## straightshooter

*


bandit.45 said:



The only men who successfully reconcile with cheating wives are the men who go nuclear and lay down the law and tell them what will happen and set the rules for reconciliation. Only men who take their wives to the brink of divorce and let them dangle over the edge are the ones who save their marriages. We have seen stories just like yours over and over and over again. Indecisive, wishy-washy men almost always, 99% of the time, get hosed and railroaded by unremorseful wives. 

Don't be one of those guys.

Click to expand...

*Please read that 10 times and take it to the bank


----------



## Evinrude58

bandit.45 said:


> The only men who successfully reconcile with cheating wives are the men who go nuclear and lay down the law and tell them what will happen and set the rules for reconciliation. Only men who take their wives to the brink of divorce and let them dangle over the edge are the ones who save their marriages. We have seen stories just like yours over and over and over again. Indecisive, wishy-washy men almost always, 99% of the time, get hosed and railroaded by unremorseful wives.
> 
> Don't be one of those guys.


This is so absolutely true. Please listen. I know how you feel. I'm divorced because I was one of the wushu washy wimpy ones.
Of course, I'm glad I am, now. But I wish I'd filed for divorce immediately like I recommend you to do. Do it Monday. You may have to anyway. But if you don't damn well make her think you are going to divorce her. You have got to put on a darn good act that you can't stand the sight of her. The instant she thinks she's in the clear, she's going to start telling you how this is all YOUR fault.


----------



## sokillme

bandit.45 said:


> The only men who successfully reconcile with cheating wives are the men who go nuclear and lay down the law and tell them what will happen and set the rules for reconciliation. Only men who take their wives to the brink of divorce and let them dangle over the edge are the ones who save their marriages. We have seen stories just like yours over and over and over again. Indecisive, wishy-washy men almost always, 99% of the time, get hosed and railroaded by unremorseful wives.
> 
> Don't be one of those guys.


If you call that a success. Dump your wife and move on OP, there is better out there.

Indecisive, wishy-washy men get picked by cheaters. Better you learn this now OP so that you are not sending out signals for the next cheater down the road.

Never love someone enough to let them abuse you OP.


----------



## alte Dame

You are going to lose your marriage if you are too afraid to defend it.

You got a start on a confrontation and then you ran away.

I hope you went back home after messaging the OMW and told your wife that she had exactly 10 seconds to start coming clean.


----------



## Evinrude58

Yes, you did run. Bad move.

If you haven't contacted OMW, you're too late. They've already concocted a story. 
However, you've got the texts. Those should be pretty hard for OM to explain away.

When you get back, start moving her shot out of your bedroom. And don't be a wimp and move out of your bedroom. Make her nice out of it. She's the one that soiled the sheets.


----------



## Marc878

Good advice. She's cheating let her move out of the bedroom.


----------



## MarriageEjected

I have some nerve coming back here, I was going to cancel my account and never show up again....because am ashame of myself. I went back home, kids are gone to their friends, we argued for a bit but then I dont know what happened, she told me the trip was cancelled, she would never go with me feeling that way and well, we had sex.....am an idiot. I dont know what else to say, I told her after that sex didnt change anything and I was still mad as hell, I was exhausted and crashed to sleep.
I deserve all the ugly comments possible, but how do I fix this forward?

I didnt ping the OMW after all...this guy is a detective working underscover sting ops, the people that setup bad guys to catch them, he works narcs and wears suit and unmarked vehicle. I figured I need to talk to a lawyer first before I blow this up, I dont know what this guy can do, am sure he has a few tricks up his sleeve and people high up he knows....am not afraid, just want to play my cards right, and keep in mind I really dont know what am doing here, this is all new to me......


----------



## Marc878

Many years ago a cop tried to pick up my wife as she was getting my lunch. He was on duty and married. I went straight at him. Went down to the police station identified him, etc. he has a lot more to lose than you do at this point. He didn't get fired but he was suspended. Turns out he'd been doing this to other women as well. His wife divorced him after. 

Inform his wife. Keep all your documentation in case you need it later. They didn't mind screwing with you, your family, and future. You have a right to protect it. Do not back down on this unless you want to go through this again.

Your wife needs to cut out all contact immediately. You'd better hold her accountable. Do not put up with any bullsh!t!!!!!!!!

Just because you found out doesn't mean this is over.


----------



## Marc878

MarriageEjected said:


> I have some nerve coming back here, I was going to cancel my account and never show up again....because am ashame of myself. I went back home, kids are gone to their friends, we argued for a bit but then I dont know what happened, *she told me the trip was cancelled, she would never go with me feeling that way and well*, we had sex.....am an idiot. I dont know what else to say, I told her after that sex didnt change anything and I was still mad as hell, I was exhausted and crashed to sleep.
> I deserve all the ugly comments possible, but how do I fix this forward?
> 
> *I didnt ping the OMW after all...this guy is a detective working underscover sting ops*, the people that setup bad guys to catch them, he works narcs and wears suit and unmarked vehicle. I figured I need to talk to a lawyer first before I blow this up, I dont know what this guy can do, am sure he has a few tricks up his sleeve and people high up he knows....am not afraid, just want to play my cards right, and keep in mind I really dont know what am doing here, this is all new to me......


Good but don't forget she was going there to screw him!!!!!

Big deal he's a low life cop. Do not be a coward here. Get it done without warning. Do not tell your wife before hand. If he says anything tell him you have a nice thick packet of documents for his department head. You have the truth documented it's all you need.


----------



## Marc878

Read it and start living it. If you want a better future.

Quit making or looking for excuses to do nothing. Take charge of your life. No one else is going to do it for you.

http://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=AwrB..._Guy.pdf/RK=0/RS=mdH9a5U6bo9iWlAqZkijaXH.LMs-


----------



## BobSimmons

MarriageEjected said:


> this guy is a detective working underscover sting ops


Ahahaha oh come on now..


----------



## 225985

ME,

Will you tell us why you started reading her messages?


----------



## straightshooter

MarriageEjected said:


> I have some nerve coming back here, I was going to cancel my account and never show up again....because am ashame of myself. I went back home, kids are gone to their friends, we argued for a bit but then I dont know what happened, she told me the trip was cancelled, she would never go with me feeling that way and well, we had sex.....am an idiot. I dont know what else to say, I told her after that sex didnt change anything and I was still mad as hell, I was exhausted and crashed to sleep.
> I deserve all the ugly comments possible, but how do I fix this forward?
> 
> I didnt ping the OMW after all...this guy is a detective working underscover sting ops, the people that setup bad guys to catch them, he works narcs and wears suit and unmarked vehicle. I figured I need to talk to a lawyer first before I blow this up, I dont know what this guy can do, am sure he has a few tricks up his sleeve and people high up he knows....am not afraid, just want to play my cards right, and keep in mind I really dont know what am doing here, this is all new to me......


No ugly comments necessary, and no one is calling you an idiot. B ut she just gaslighted you with sex and yes you fell for it but that is not the problem unless you are in a state where having sex with her nullifies adultery in a divorce. 

Now get this out of your head that you are dealing with some Navy Seal here and understand that your best chances of OM not wanting anything to do with your wife is to blow his life up and make him fight for his marriage. Your wife has just weathered the storm by having sex with you. And you can count on the fact that by now she has told him exactly what happened and they will go underground if all you did was tell her you are mad as hell. If you were not mad as hell I would have to revise the idiot remark.

You are headed in the right direction but just because you had a romp in the sack means nothing. So Ill make it east for you. The next interaction with your wife should be with your **** in your pants and should include the following DEMANDS , not frequents:
(1) TOTAL and verifiable No Contact with this OM, FOREVER. No closure meetings, no phone calls, a written NC communication that you see first. This means nothing in itself but what IS important is her willingness to do it without hesitation. 
(2) TOTAL DISCLOSURE of all passwords and e mails or app accounts. Her right to privacy went out the window with what you have in your posession. Again, of course she can set up another account, but again her willingness to give this to you is what is important. And if your OM here is a CIA operative as you seem to believe, you quietly search everywhere in your home and her car for a "burner" phone, because if you do not have a bull **** story about his stealth capabilities, he will know what that is. You look everywhere and anywhere that you would not ordinarily look ( lingerie drawer, car trunk, closets, coat pockets).
(3) She makes absolutely no out of town trips for any reason without you. No negotiation.

Understand this ME, if you do a lot of reading you will find that women who resist or refuse the above have a much greater chance of reoffending or restarting the affair. Right now, she IS sorry. Not for what she did but sorry she got caught. If she is remorseful she will be slobbering all over herself to do the above.

And lastly, see an attorney, and let her know you are doing that. Right now, she believes by putting your penis in her that she has escaped the crisis and that it will cool down as long as she does not get caught again. Until she believes that there is no second chance you are still in the danger zone.

Cheaters, and she is one, very rarely tell the truth right away and you cannot reconcile without the truth. Put a VAR IN HER CAR , and you will find out in less than a few days if they are still communicating. 

Now, go back to the b grinning and tell his OM's wife. That is your first must do step.

Now is not the time to get "sexed" into ostrichland


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband

Exposure. Exposure. Exposure. If you want to keep your marriage you MUST expose to POSOM's wife. Times like this require that you fight. I think there is more going on with you beneath the surface. I sense that you may have self esteem-confidence issues. Get some help for yourself. Work on you.


----------



## Lostinthought61

Bullies are less likely to do anything if the have the spotlight on themselves....as others say expose...he will be to busy covering his ass. But your needs to come clean


----------



## bandit.45

You need to ask your wife to leave.


I predict you will continue to do the opposite of everything we recommend.


----------



## MarriageEjected

look I do have personal issues, one that could be legal that am worried about this guy taking advantage of, my W knows about it so yes I have to be careful, I dont know its safe to disclose in here but I cant ignore it and blast this guy and that will include our entire family finding out what he did, and maybe take it out on me and my own problems......I just dont want to take that chance w/o speaking to attorney first.....that would be careless of me.....hope it makes sense


----------



## MarriageEjected

someone said I could move this to the private section? how I do that?


----------



## 225985

MarriageEjected said:


> someone said I could move this to the private section? how I do that?




First you need 30 posts. You only have 12. Go to some other sections, like the social spot, and make short comments in other posts. 

When you get to 30, we will get a moderator to move this thread. Do this today.

Or you can pay $4.95 to join as a Forum Supporter and get instant access.


----------



## straightshooter

MarriageEjected said:


> look I do have personal issues, one that could be legal that am worried about this guy taking advantage of, my W knows about it so yes I have to be careful, I dont know its safe to disclose in here but I cant ignore it and blast this guy and that will include our entire family finding out what he did, and maybe take it out on me and my own problems......I just dont want to take that chance w/o speaking to attorney first.....that would be careless of me.....hope it makes sense


ME,

Talk to an attorney by all means. no one has suggested that you do not do that. And you can take it to the private section. that will NOT change the advice you are getting nor what you need to demand from your wife.

And remember, this cop or whatever he did made NO VOWS TO YOU. Your wife did and she is the problem because this could not be happenning without her being an active participant. One mistake many men make is they want to blame the OM. he just wants to get laid. 

Regardless of whether you tell his wife or not, everything I posted to you does not change one iota. DO NOT USE TELLING OR NOT TELLING HIS WIFE AS AN EXCUSE TO LET HER OFF THE HOOK BECAUSE SHE BANGED YOU


----------



## rzmpf

MarriageEjected said:


> look I do have personal issues, one that could be legal that am worried about this guy taking advantage of, my W knows about it so yes I have to be careful, I dont know its safe to disclose in here but I cant ignore it and blast this guy and that will include our entire family finding out what he did, and maybe take it out on me and my own problems......I just dont want to take that chance w/o speaking to attorney first.....that would be careless of me.....hope it makes sense


Man, what other skeletons do you have in your closet?

First you making out with her sister, then the cop is some undercover super agent and now you are basically living under some sort of legal sword of Damocles the whole time?


----------



## jsmart

MarriageEjected said:


> look *I do have personal issues, one that could be legal that am worried about this guy taking advantage o*f, my W knows about it so yes I have to be careful, I dont know its safe to disclose in here but I cant ignore it and blast this guy and that will include our entire family finding out what he did, and maybe take it out on me and my own problems......I just dont want to take that chance w/o speaking to attorney first.....that would be careless of me.....hope it makes sense


You need to find your inner warrior and FIGHT for your marriage & family. These excuses for inaction are going to cost you. I'm sure your wife is losing more respect for you every minute you tolerate this [email protected] EVERY BH that post here and tries the nice reasonable rug sweep gets trickle truth and the affair taken further underground. THIS IS NOT OVER.

You must EXPOSE Colombo right now. Don't build this guy up to be some special forces operator. He's an old POS scheming on married mothers for an easy lay. You need him busy fighting for his marriage, so he doesn't keep pursuing yours. When he's facing his BW's wrath, he will throw your wife under the bus. That will help your wife realize she was risking it all for nothing.

I also recommend that you expose to your wife's parents and family and any friends that can have some positive influence. It must be done in a help me fight for the family. Her parents want their grandchildren's home intact. They may be able to snap her out of her fog.

You must keep divorce on the table. Let her believe she's facing single mom's ville.


----------



## MarriageEjected

rzmpf said:


> Man, what other skeletons do you have in your closet?
> 
> First you making out with her sister, then the cop is some undercover super agent and now you are basically living under some sort of legal sword of Damocles the whole time?


so wth, one needs to disclose their entire life here to get advice?? why is any of what I have said not credible or something, not possible??? whats so special about it??? people have issues, my life isnt perfect...what happened w sis is so completely irrelevant and long ago I shouldn't even have said anything about it.....he aint no super agent, just a detective working narcs...do those people dont exist??? I dont have any legal issues per say....I have problems that could become a legal issue, am glad you dont have any skeletons in your closet, you should be proud.....unbelievable.....like i need any more beat down...


----------



## MarriageEjected

meant to update (but this other post p1ssed me off) that W sent text and FB message to OM to never contact her again just now, that the trip is cancelled and that am livid with her.....she literally did this w/o me asking, she said she doesnt want anything in her life thats going to be a problem for us and our marriage. I've been checking text messages, phone calls and FB chats and there has been no contact since yesterday AM at all....and I am pretty certain there is no other phone she is using.


----------



## MarriageEjected

jsmart said:


> I also recommend that you expose to your wife's parents and family and any friends that can have some positive influence. It must be done in a help me fight for the family. Her parents want their grandchildren's home intact..


I have told her this has to happen with her parents and she has agreed to


----------



## jsmart

Stop dilly dallying and expose this slime ball. We keep telling you to expose so he will be busy fighting for his marriage. You've already hurt yourself by leaving the house after her tears of shame. Then you let her make chump out of you by tossing some sex to quiet you.

If you think she didn't contact POS immediately the second she saw you drive off to give him a heads up, you're fooling yourself. Now he'll coach your wife on what to say. This coaching furthers her connection to OM. She basically submitting to him against her family. He will also warn his wife that some abusive husband is going to accuse me of cheating with his wife. The aim is to make you out to be crazy so his wife won't believe you.

Did you reach out to her parents? Even though her parents will always side with the daughter in the end, they also don't want their grandchildren's home to break up. The shame of facing dad can help your wife's "love" fog dissipate.


----------



## SunCMars

MarriageEjected said:


> I have told her this has to happen with her parents and she has agreed to


This issue may resolve itself in the near term. The long term effects are like radiation.

Once a relationship become radioactive, it's half life effects may be longer than your full life....dunno.

I have not attempted to eat my crow. I hold him in reserve.

I would gladly eat him raw, if your situation were to improve enough to warrant it being on the menu.

This ain't over by a long shot. I find it strange that she can turn her feelings on and off so easily. 

Be careful that she does not gaslight you. That she does not display crocodile tears. Sex after DDay is to assuage your hurt feelings.

She is now forced to change tactics. She wants this to go away. She will try to minimize this with her family. 

*Her actions are MORE about HER, than about YOU. Remember that*. Before DDay she was ready to dive overboard. Now...the switch.

Prior to: When she arranged this tryst, she did not care about you. Now she does? 

She is now a fire fighter. She has no choice. She is an marriage arsonist that got caught.


----------



## jsmart

MarriageEjected said:


> meant to update (but this other post p1ssed me off) that W sent text and FB message to OM to never contact her again just now, that the trip is cancelled and that am livid with her.....she literally did this w/o me asking, *she said she doesnt want anything in her life thats going to be a problem for us and our marriage*. I've been checking text messages, phone calls and FB chats and there has been no contact since yesterday AM at all....and *I am pretty certain there is no other phone she is using*.


That's some good news but you're not out of the woods. You must understand that her not wanting to do anything that be a problem for the marriage is pure BS. Those text reveal that she was enthusiastically looking to fvck detective Old D!ck. 

The no contact message that she sent on her own is helpful but if you've read as many threads that are just like yours, as we have, you'd know it doesn't mean much. I think it's naive to believe she doesn't have a burner phone. If she doesn't have one now, she may get one, so you must keep looking. You need to get a VAR velcroed under the passenger seat of her car yesterday.

You should expose to her parents so that she doesn't try to minimize it or make it about you being controlling or unloving. We've seen it MANY times.

And hate to keep beating a dead horse but you must expose this POS. He was so close to banging your young wife that he could taste her. He will lay low for a while and pursue her when he thinks the dust has settled. If he's facing his wife's wrath, he'll be less likely to risk chasing your wife again.


----------



## MAJDEATH

ME, I just went thru a similar situation with my W. It was absolutely necessary to inform the OMW. I talked to her twice and forwarded the text messages. She will become your biggest ally because she will be watching OM like a hawk, and chances are OM might have other married wives he is talking to (as a former LE officer, it is common).

Even if you are worried about some personal lifestyle behaviors that possibly could get you in trouble with the professional side of LE, this is a personal matter because he crossed the line. Your W was not involved in some formal legal investigation, but was talked into giving this ass clown some racy pictures that he could have a wank to.

Professional people understand strength, and which side their bread gets buttered from. Police officers are just one sustained allegation away from being suspended or terminated, and I don't think he would want to risk it once his W is informed. Because the next step is contacting his executive leadership for an ethics violation. If I can't trust a cop to not screw around on his W, how can I trust him to make life or death decisions with a gun?

Good luck brother, and enjoy the hysterical bonding sex, as you did nothing wrong.


----------



## Marc878

MarriageEjected said:


> meant to update (but this other post p1ssed me off) that W sent text and FB message to OM to never contact her again just now, that the trip is cancelled and that am livid with her.....she literally did this w/o me asking, she said she doesnt want anything in her life thats going to be a problem for us and our marriage. I've been checking text messages, phone calls and FB chats and there has been no contact since yesterday AM at all....and I am pretty certain there is no other phone she is using.


Did you verify this? You can't trust her word at this time.

He should be blocked now. There can never be any contact whatsoever again for any reason.


----------



## Malaise

OK then...


So, what was the reason she gave?

Why she do it?


----------



## alte Dame

It's a normal first reaction to try to stop the bleeding and get things 'back' to normal. You think you have done that, so you are feeling some relief.

But if you stay with us here, you will see much of the following happening. This is a script of human behavior that is sadly very predictable:

- Your WW will start to blameshift or rugsweep the problem.

- She will minimize and trickle truth. She doesn't know how much you know, so she will lie about the extent of it to 'contain' the damage.

- The OM (or your WW) will find a way to take the affair underground - burner phone, new e-mail addresses, private fb messages, texting apps that disappear the texts when they are sent, etc.

- Your WW will get irritable in the next days, weeks. You will think that she is ashamed and guilty, but really she is going through withdrawal and mourning the loss of the OM.

And the list goes on....

In other words, you are not at all out of the woods.

You have to get really tough to recover this. You have to be firm and make it clear that there is absolutely NC and that she is on probation. Let her know that this is definitely an affair and that she has betrayed you and your marriage.

Everybody is telling you to tell his BW. This is absolutely essential to saving your M. If you can't contact her for logistical or personal reasons, then you should do it anonymously. (I don't think this is the best way, but it's better than nothing.) You should do it as of a minute ago. Waste no time. Right now your WW should be in a sh!tstorm of consequences. She is flattered by this cop with skillz, but she needs to understand what she will lose by continuing to suck up his flattery.

Unless you tell his BW, he will take this underground and your WW will feel like the special object of his affection. She will find a way to continue this secretly. He is a sleazebag creep who lures in married women. He's been playing her and was just about to hit the jackpot with her. If he doesn't feel some consequences, he's not going to stop. (He probably does this with lots of other women, so you need to make his efforts with your WW as costly as possible to make him move on.)

Sorry, but you have to be TOUGH and keep the pressure on her. NC with the posom, a timeline of her A, reading books like 'Not Just Friends,' and 'How to Help my Spouse Heal from my A,' full disclosure, full transparency. These are the things you must demand to agree to stay where you are while you think about agreeing to reconciliation.


----------



## 225985

Malaise said:


> OK then...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> So, what was the reason she gave?
> 
> 
> 
> Why she do it?




This^^^^

But don't be surprised if her answer is initially less than satisfying. It basically gave a dopamine rush, she liked it and went back for more. She liked the NEW attention. Attention from you is old. She has seen you use the toilet . 

She might even say she doesn't know why. If she says that, tell her to think more and come back when she has the answer. Don't push it unless she refuses to answer. She needs to understand why as much as you do.


----------



## Malaise

MarriageEjected said:


> meant to update (but this other post p1ssed me off) that W sent text and FB message to OM to never contact her again just now, that the trip is cancelled and that am livid with her.....she literally did this w/o me asking, *she said she doesnt want anything in her life thats going to be a problem for us and our marriage. *I've been checking text messages, phone calls and FB chats and there has been no contact since yesterday AM at all....and I am pretty certain there is no other phone she is using.


She says this now.

So what changed? Oh, yeah. She got busted.


----------



## MarriageEjected

ok the specific words I think were something like "I cant live w/o you, I cant lose you over something stupid like this. I dont want to jeopardize our marriage over anything, specifically another man. I was just flirting with him, it meant nothing, I have no feelings for him at all, am fine not talking to him again as I hadnt talk to him in years anyways"

she is standing firm in that she never said anything intending to meet up privately with him for anything. That I am reading incorrectly or making it more than it is, and taking it out of context, she can understand how it could come across that way but never was there any plan to do anything, she was going to have our daughter along all the time tied to her hip. Since he is a good photographer she had discussed meeting up to take pictures of her and our daughter, but she said that was always meant to be with family around, not some get together like am thinking, and assuming his W was ok with it.

I did verify and the messages were sent to OM...no replies yet. The deal is am still on the fence about wide open exposure to OMW, it will spread like wild fire thru the family, and you know what it will be embarrassing as hell to me too man, not just them too, because we portray a pretty good marriage image, thats putting a lot of hesitation on my mind about doing it.


----------



## rzmpf

MarriageEjected said:


> so wth, one needs to disclose their entire life here to get advice?? why is any of what I have said not credible or something, not possible??? whats so special about it??? people have issues, my life isnt perfect...what happened w sis is so completely irrelevant and long ago I shouldn't even have said anything about it.....he aint no super agent, just a detective working narcs...do those people dont exist??? I dont have any legal issues per say....I have problems that could become a legal issue, am glad you dont have any skeletons in your closet, you should be proud.....unbelievable.....like i need any more beat down...


All these infos would have been relevant from the start because they are relevant to your situation.

While the thing with her sister may be some minor issue given that it has been "only" kissing and it happening years ago, the info that the OM is an undercover cop is a major one. He is a professional liar and manipulator and he most certainly knows means to secretly communicate and cover his ass. Otherwise he would not be able to do his job.

And your problems that could mean legal trouble, especially with the OM being a cop, that's also something that you should let people know who you ask for advice. Because it may complicate the situation and therefore people may give you different advice.

P.S.
Everyone has skeletons, you have, I have, they may differ in size and numbers. 
I'm just not the one asking for advice in this thread so there is no need for me to lay the ones that would be relevant to the situation I'm asking advice for out here.


----------



## Malaise

MarriageEjected said:


> ok the specific words I think were something like "I cant live w/o you, I cant lose you over something stupid like this. I dont want to jeopardize our marriage over anything, specifically another man. I was just flirting with him, it meant nothing, I have no feelings for him at all, am fine not talking to him again as I hadnt talk to him in years anyways"
> 
> she is standing firm in that she never said anything intending to meet up privately with him for anything. That I am reading incorrectly or making it more than it is, and taking it out of context, she can understand how it could come across that way but never was there any plan to do anything, she was going to have our daughter along all the time tied to her hip. Since he is a good photographer she had discussed meeting up to take pictures of her and our daughter, but she said that was always meant to be with family around, not some get together like am thinking, and assuming his W was ok with it.
> 
> I did verify and the messages were sent to OM...no replies yet. The deal is am still on the fence about wide open exposure to OMW, it will spread like wild fire thru the family, and you know what it will be embarrassing as hell to me too man, not just them too, because we portray a pretty good marriage image, thats putting a lot of hesitation on my mind about doing it.


Does she know about all the evidence you have?

With what you showed us do you doubt they were hooking up?

Are you willing to rugsweep her betrayal to save your image?

Finally, how long will you monitor her? 

You know she's lying.


----------



## jsmart

alte Dame said:


> It's a normal first reaction to try to stop the bleeding and get things 'back' to normal. You think you have done that, so you are feeling some relief.
> 
> But if you stay with us here, you will see much of the following happening. This is a script of human behavior that is sadly very predictable:
> 
> - Your WW will start to blameshift or rugsweep the problem.
> 
> - She will minimize and trickle truth. She doesn't know how much you know, so she will lie about the extent of it to 'contain' the damage.
> 
> - The OM (or your WW) will find a way to take the affair underground - burner phone, new e-mail addresses, private fb messages, texting apps that disappear the texts when they are sent, etc.
> 
> - *Your WW will get irritable in the next days, weeks. You will think that she is ashamed and guilty, but really she is going through withdrawal and mourning the loss of the OM.*
> 
> And the list goes on....
> 
> In other words, *you are not at all out of the woods.
> *
> You have to get really tough to recover this. You have to be firm and make it clear that there is absolutely NC and that she is on probation. Let her know that this is definitely an affair and that she has betrayed you and your marriage.
> 
> Everybody is telling you to tell his BW. This is absolutely essential to saving your M. If you can't contact her for logistical or personal reasons, then you should do it anonymously. (I don't think this is the best way, but it's better than nothing.) You should do it as of a minute ago. Waste no time. *Right now your WW should be in a sh!tstorm of consequences.* She is flattered by this cop with skillz, but she needs to understand what she will lose by continuing to suck up his flattery.
> 
> Unless you tell his BW, he will take this underground and your WW will feel like the special object of his affection. *She will find a way to continue this secretly. He is a sleazebag creep who lures in married women. He's been playing her and was just about to hit the jackpot with her.* If he doesn't feel some consequences, he's not going to stop. (He probably does this with lots of other women, so you need to make his efforts with your WW as costly as possible to make him move on.)
> 
> Sorry, but you have to be TOUGH and keep the pressure on her. NC with the posom, a timeline of her A, reading books like 'Not Just Friends,' and 'How to Help my Spouse Heal from my A,' full disclosure, full transparency. These are the things you must demand to agree to stay where you are while you think about agreeing to reconciliation.


AD is right. Some progress was made but to be honest it was very little. If you were to read the threads of WWs on Loveshack experiencing withdrawal, it would make you run to the lawyer to file D. 

Right now there's a thread of a wife with 4 young children who started banging some serial cheating slimeball in her home. She's so depressed that her poor unsuspecting husband is worried about her but she doesn't want anything to do with him or her kids. Just a complete obsession for OM, who just told her that he got his wife pregnant. If this POS on his 3rd marriage told her to leave her family so we could run off, she would be gone in a second. I tell you about this so you can understand how twisted your wife's thinking is.

And here I go again kicking the dead horse but you must expose to his wife. This old guy was SO CLOSE to banging a much younger woman. He's not going to stop pursuing it so easily. Now if you give his wife the details and how long it's been going on, she will keep him busy fighting to make it up and He'll be too fearful to step out of line.


----------



## jsmart

MarriageEjected said:


> ok the specific words I think were something like "I cant live w/o you, I cant lose you over something stupid like this. I dont want to jeopardize our marriage over anything, specifically another man. I was just flirting with him, it meant nothing, I have no feelings for him at all, am fine not talking to him again as I hadnt talk to him in years anyways"
> 
> *she is standing firm in that she never said anything intending to meet up privately with him for anything. That I am reading incorrectly or making it more than it is, and taking it out of context, she can understand how it could come across that way but never was there any plan to do anything,* she was going to have our daughter along all the time tied to her hip. Since he is a good photographer she had discussed meeting up to take pictures of her and our daughter, but she said that was always meant to be with family around, not some get together like am thinking, and assuming his W was ok with it.
> 
> I did verify and the messages were sent to OM...no replies yet. *The deal is am still on the fence about wide open exposure to OMW, it will spread like wild fire thru the family, and you know what it will be embarrassing as hell to me too man, not just them too, because we portray a pretty good marriage image,* thats putting a lot of hesitation on my mind about doing it.


If you're going to successfully pursue R, she has to be real. You know damn well that those text reveal that they were talking about hooking up. She sent him racy pics and didn't send naked or boob shots because he instructed her not too. As a cop, he knew that could come back to bite him. Remember you only know from the text you found. Doesn't mean you got them all and you definitely don't know what was spoken in conversations. 

As to trying to keep up appearances because you think it makes you look like a chump, you are so wrong. If everyone knows, there is more eyes keeping her on the straight and narrow. Remember that adultery thrives in the darkness of secrecy. When you shine the light of exposure, it kills it. The affair fog just like a real fog dissipates when exposed to light or sunshine.


----------



## Malaise

He'll have a marriage that looks great from the outside but he will know it's a façade.


----------



## Marc878

She's minimizing and playing you. Cheaters lie a lot. 

Rugsweep at your peril.


----------



## 225985

What about running recovery software on the phone to look for deleted pics and txts? Or do you already have everything?


----------



## bandit.45

"I cant live w/o you..."

*"Actually, yes you can wife. In fact, you were willing to risk me walking away from you and your life if I found out about your little plans for a fvck tryst with cop-boy." 
*

..."I cant lose you over something stupid like this."

*"But this was not "stupid" wife. You are not a stupid woman. You are a smart, educated woman who knows right from wrong. This was a pre-mediated, pre-planned, well executed attempt to meet up with a fvcking piece of slime to have sex, and using our child as an unknowing participant to do so." *


"I don't want to jeopardize our marriage over anything, specifically another man."
*
"But you have been already. And you were willing to continue doing so. Difference now is that you got caught." *


"I was just flirting with him, it meant nothing, I have no feelings for him at all, am fine not talking to him again as I hadnt talk to him in years anyways"

*"Obviously it meant enough to you to risk losing your husband and marriage. If it meant nothing you should have stopped talking to him the first time he contacted you. But you were not fine just leaving it at that. You continued talking, and then flirting, and then sexting, and then planning to meet with him and fvck him."* 

she is standing firm in that she never said anything intending to meet up privately with him for anything. That I am reading incorrectly or making it more than it is, and taking it out of context, she can understand how it could come across that way but never was there any plan to do anything, she was going to have our daughter along all the time tied to her hip. Since he is a good photographer she had discussed meeting up to take pictures of her and our daughter, but she said that was always meant to be with family around, not some get together like am thinking, and assuming his W was ok with it.
*
Yeah....well...you saw the texts yourself. So I guess it is your word against hers huh? *


I did verify and the messages were sent to OM...no replies yet. The deal is am still on the fence about wide open exposure to OMW, it will spread like wild fire thru the family, and you know what it will be embarrassing as hell to me too man, not just them too, because we portray a pretty good marriage image, thats putting a lot of hesitation on my mind about doing it.
*
You have a moral obligation to tell the OM's wife, regardless of the threat you feel against your own safety. This is about doing what is right. This is about serving the truth. That woman has the right to know that she is being taken advantage of by a scumbag husband.*


----------



## Evinrude58

Classic mistakes by op, classic responses from his wife. 

This thing is as good as rug-swept
She'll be at it again when the heat is off.


----------



## sidney2718

jsmart said:


> Stop dilly dallying and expose this slime ball. We keep telling you to expose so he will be busy fighting for his marriage. You've already hurt yourself by leaving the house after her tears of shame. Then you let her make chump out of you by tossing some sex to quiet you.


I think we should all take a deep breath. If his wife is serious about no contact with the OM and if she is showing remorse, there could be a reconciliation. Exposing to the world that your wife was cheating (or very close to it) is NOT going to help either of you to live your lives in relative peace.

Don't forget, many people out there in the real world would agree with the majority of the posters here. With wide exposure folks will look at you and think "there goes the loser who is still with his ****ty wife." And she'll have it worse.

Exposure is for the case where something drastic is needed to break up the affair and fallout from exposure is less important than breaking up the affair.

And don't forget, exposing to the OM's wife is NOT wide exposure. It is a targeted missile aimed right at the OM.


----------



## Roselyn

MarriageEjected said:


> she is standing firm in that she never said anything intending to meet up privately with him for anything. That I am reading incorrectly or making it more than it is, and taking it out of context, she can understand how it could come across that way but never was there any plan to do anything, she was going to have our daughter along all the time tied to her hip. Since he is a good photographer she had discussed meeting up to take pictures of her and our daughter, but she said that was always meant to be with family around, not some get together like am thinking, and assuming his W was ok with it.


Woman here and quite a fantastic photographer. Your wife is spinning you. In my 58 years on earth, no one has ever taken a holiday, away from their family, so that I could take fantastic photos of them and their child. This is an excuse to meet up with the OM. She could pawn your daughter to be babysat while she's having fun with her detective. How generous of your wife to give you an understanding as how she could come across as a cheater with her texting and racy pictures!

Do not let your pride of showing the community how perfect your wife is, when she is a cheater. You are fighting for your marriage. You need to put your boundaries in place, no matter how embarassing you feel it is. The more people know, the more eyes you will have on your wife. This will help deter her cheating activities. Your inaction will cause you your marriage and immediate family. Your wife knows you well and she is already many steps ahead of you. This scenario will be repeated again if you don't stand firm and show courage!


----------



## jsmart

Since you seem to have a hard time responding, @bandit.45 provided perfect answers that you can use verbatim. You allowing this to be rug-swept will cause your wife to lose respect for you and woman can't love a man she doesn't respect. 

Your wife was drawn to this old d!ck because of his perceived strength. He spoke to her confidently and she was about to risk it all. You on the other hand appear to be walking on eggshells. Don't be surprised if in a few days she lashes out at you for being "controlling." 

If you knew how many post from BHs just like you we've read. Most are as timid as you are. Sadly many are back a few months later but in a worse situation. EAs that then went PA. Or non-sexual PAs that go full wanton. The hurt in these men's threads is palpable. I believe most could have turned there situation around before it got to that stage but by then the WW is to far gone and the BH no longer wants to try. Then we have another broken family. 

The few BHs who act quickly, boldly, and decisively usually have wives desperately back pedaling to salvage the marriage. I'm telling you the difference is stark.


----------



## Evinrude58

Have you filed? Are you going to file?

Have you contacted OMW? Are you going to? 
See what "I'm scared of him" will get you.

Bandit45 was right. You're letting her lie, lie, lie, lie again. Because you want the lie. But you are headed in a path of no consequences whatsoever. You even fell for the sex plot and now you'll get the "love bomb" to top it off.

If you don't blow up her world with the threat of divorce, and get some real sorrow from her, she will do this again. She's not confessing to anything, and you're letting this get totally rug-swept. Don't stop until she admits what she did and looks like she fully understands what happens the next time you catch her cheating.


----------



## alte Dame

She cancelled the trip because you c0ckblocked, not because she had a sudden fit of conscience.

She is minimizing to save herself. We all read the texts, which were very clear. This was flirting in advance of hooking up.

She needs serious consequences. She needs to admit the truth.

Many have asked if she knows how much you know. Does she? If you don't bust her on all of it, you prolong her lying.

You MUST inform the OM's BW. Insisting that it will cause a storm that will disrupt your family is very selfish. What if the BW knew and didn't tell you? It's her life that her husband is playing with. She has a right to know what is happening in her own marriage.

Your WW is minimizing and that will doom any R that you try. She says she was 'flirting.' Since when has that been OK in a marriage? This is very serious and she needs to understand that.


----------



## Evinrude58

I kissed him--- means they screwed like rabbits for days.

We are just friends--- we've been lovers for weeks.

I was just flirting---- means exactly what you thought it means. She was looking to hook up for sex. It was obvious in the texts. Anyone could see it. Show the "flirting" to the other man's wife. Or just go ahead and get a divorce now and save yourself some prolonged misery.


----------



## TX-SC

I would have to agree with everyone else here. Based on the conversation, more was planned. Of course, she won't admit that. In her mind she may even believe that she would have stopped it before it went too far. 

I recommend that you focus more on what she did than what she might have done if she travelled to see him. There's simply no way to say what might have happened. But, you do know for a fact that your wife and this ex cop were way too friendly and acted inappropriately. She needs to own up to that and she needs to figure out why she did what she did. Once she is truly able to own this, she might come clean with what she was thinking and planning. Maybe. Or she may continue to minimize it and tell herself she would never cross THAT line. It's the same thing many waywards tell themselves, right up to the point where they actually do cross THAT line. She needs to understand she has already crossed a line and must win back your trust.


----------



## straightshooter

MarriageEjected said:


> ok the specific words I think were something like "I cant live w/o you, I cant lose you over something stupid like this. I dont want to jeopardize our marriage over anything, specifically another man. I was just flirting with him, it meant nothing, I have no feelings for him at all, am fine not talking to him again as I hadnt talk to him in years anyways"
> 
> she is standing firm in that she never said anything intending to meet up privately with him for anything. That I am reading incorrectly or making it more than it is, and taking it out of context, she can understand how it could come across that way but never was there any plan to do anything, she was going to have our daughter along all the time tied to her hip. Since he is a good photographer she had discussed meeting up to take pictures of her and our daughter, but she said that was always meant to be with family around, not some get together like am thinking, and assuming his W was ok with it.
> 
> I did verify and the messages were sent to OM...no replies yet. The deal is am still on the fence about wide open exposure to OMW, it will spread like wild fire thru the family, and you know what it will be embarrassing as hell to me too man, not just them too, because we portray a pretty good marriage image, thats putting a lot of hesitation on my mind about doing it.


ME,

OK real progress here, which is exactly what the 2 x 4's have been trying to get you to get. Imagine where you would be had you never gotten them and just let her go on this trip. Now that being said, you know from what you have read she is lying asbout nothing going on but flirting. And she gave you the perfect opening to answer her when you tell the OM wife. Your wife just flat out told you that his wife would be in the loop when they were taking innocent pictures with your child with her. You really think or believe his wife would be fine with a copy of those texts?????

Then she send a NC that you do not see, basically blaming it on YOU BEING FURIOUS.. So basically she thinks what she was doing was fine and you are a big old meany for getting so mad over nothing. That is called GASLIGHTING 101. Now the trip is cancelled for now. And he has not responded. We'll see how long that lasts and you need to tell her if he does respond you better see any thing he sends BEFORE she deletes it or responds back which she should not do,.

Now, if she is not in contact with him anymore, and no one here believes that yet, if you expose to his wife you should get no reaction from your wife or that means she is in contact with him . And she should not b e mad at you at all. After all, this was all innocent right, and his wife was going to be aware??? You still believe that one???

Now, you have taken a good step in STARTING to hold her accountable, but remember it is ACTIONS, NOT WORDS THAT ARE ALL THAT COUNTS. Verifiable action. 

Any "undercover" cop knows about burner phones so you better start to really look for that now. Your wife has just told her OM that she wrote that letter because her husband was a pissed off camper, not because she really wanted to do it. Think about that one, and you did not see her send it.

Your "gut" brought you here. So lastly, instead of being pissed off at those that prodded you ( yup we did on purpose) to take some action which probably stopped your wife from a week end **** fest with this guy, you might consider directing your energy at verifying everything she tells you instead of staying pissed at those trying to help you.

Now you really need to be alert because you will see if she really is in no contact if you are smart. And being smart would be to get that var in her car


----------



## Sports Fan

If you are serious about saving this marriage you need to offer up some real time consequences.

At present she will say and do anything to save her arse. 

Only your strong response and the consequences you offer up will determine if she is serious at saving the relationship or looking to fool you until this all dies down.


----------



## SunCMars

sidney2718 said:


> I think we should all take a deep breath. If his wife is serious about no contact with the OM and if she is showing remorse, there could be a reconciliation. Exposing to the world that your wife was cheating (or very close to it) is NOT going to help either of you to live your lives in relative peace.
> 
> Don't forget, many people out there in the real world would agree with the majority of the posters here. With wide exposure folks will look at you and think "there goes the loser who is still with his ****ty wife." And she'll have it worse.
> 
> Exposure is for the case where something drastic is needed to break up the affair and fallout from exposure is less important than breaking up the affair.
> 
> And don't forget, exposing to the OM's wife is NOT wide exposure. It is a targeted missile aimed right at the OM.


Hello @Sidney2718. Welcome back to Fauda.


----------



## Marc878

blueinbr said:


> What about running recovery software on the phone to look for deleted pics and txts? Or do you already have everything?


Excellent point ! !!!!


----------



## becareful2

MarriageEjected said:


> ok the specific words I think were something like "I cant live w/o you, I cant lose you over something stupid like this. I dont want to jeopardize our marriage over anything, specifically another man. I was just flirting with him, it meant nothing, I have no feelings for him at all, am fine not talking to him again as I hadnt talk to him in years anyways"
> 
> she is standing firm in that she never said anything intending to meet up privately with him for anything. That I am reading incorrectly or making it more than it is, and taking it out of context, she can understand how it could come across that way but never was there any plan to do anything, she was going to have our daughter along all the time tied to her hip. Since he is a good photographer she had discussed meeting up to take pictures of her and our daughter, but she said that was always meant to be with family around, not some get together like am thinking, and assuming his W was ok with it.
> 
> I did verify and the messages were sent to OM...no replies yet. The deal is am still on the fence about wide open exposure to OMW, it will spread like wild fire thru the family, and you know what it will be embarrassing as hell to me too man, not just them too, because we portray a pretty good marriage image, thats putting a lot of hesitation on my mind about doing it.


Expose to the OMW now and don't worry about your public image, if you care enough to save your marriage. If you don't care to save your marriage, then file for divorce. Then ask her to take a polygraph. Study her reactions; it should tell you a lot. If she tells you that polygraphs aren't reliable, then tell her that if all the top secret government organizations around the world uses it, then it should be good for this situation. Let her know that if she fails the polygraph, the marriage is over. You might get a parking lot confession on the day of the polygraph. Stop being afraid to lose a cheating wife and have some resolve.


----------



## moth-into-flame

MarriageEjected said:


> ok the specific words I think were something like "I cant live w/o you, I cant lose you over something stupid like this. I dont want to jeopardize our marriage over anything, specifically another man. I was just flirting with him, it meant nothing, I have no feelings for him at all, am fine not talking to him again as I hadnt talk to him in years anyways"
> 
> she is standing firm in that she never said anything intending to meet up privately with him for anything. That I am reading incorrectly or making it more than it is, and taking it out of context, she can understand how it could come across that way but never was there any plan to do anything, she was going to have our daughter along all the time tied to her hip. Since he is a good photographer she had discussed meeting up to take pictures of her and our daughter, but she said that was always meant to be with family around, not some get together like am thinking, and assuming his W was ok with it.
> 
> I did verify and the messages were sent to OM...no replies yet. The deal is am still on the fence about wide open exposure to OMW, it will spread like wild fire thru the family, and you know what it will be embarrassing as hell to me too man, not just them too, because we portray a pretty good marriage image, thats putting a lot of hesitation on my mind about doing it.


You're being fooled.


----------



## Lostinthought61

I have to say i am on the fence as well on this...

first and foremost your wife will need to reestablish trust with you...and you need to make her clear of that....no questions. she needs to be completely transparent and that any hint of flirting with any man will be grounds for divorce...that you will not be played a fool twice.
as for exposing to the OM wife...if you indeed have something that you do not want get out, or potentially harmful to you...than definitely speak to a lawyer, but keep that to yourself...your wife shoudl know that you are talking to a lawyer but not about that. this way she knows you mean business. 
if the lawyer says you have nothing to worry about then expose to the OM wife, if on the other hand the lawyer says that you should be concern then i woudl recommend that you expose it to the OM alone and to remind him that you thought you were friends and friends don't touch each other's wives...and tell him that you never want to hear from him again...or you will share it with his wife...he will back off. 
Lastly you need some marriage couseling with your wife.


----------



## 225985

She might be telling the truth. The flirting may have gotten out of control. IDK. Can go either way. 

If you think she really is telling the truth, and want to minimize the damages of exposure if wrong, consider having her take a polygraph.


----------



## TDSC60

MarriageEjected said:


> ok the specific words I think were something like "I cant live w/o you, I cant lose you over something stupid like this. I dont want to jeopardize our marriage over anything, specifically another man. I was just flirting with him, it meant nothing, I have no feelings for him at all, am fine not talking to him again as I hadnt talk to him in years anyways"
> 
> she is standing firm in that she never said anything intending to meet up privately with him for anything. That I am reading incorrectly or making it more than it is, and taking it out of context, she can understand how it could come across that way but never was there any plan to do anything, she was going to have our daughter along all the time tied to her hip. Since he is a good photographer she had discussed meeting up to take pictures of her and our daughter, but she said that was always meant to be with family around, not some get together like am thinking, and assuming his W was ok with it.
> 
> I did verify and the messages were sent to OM...no replies yet. The deal is am still on the fence about wide open exposure to OMW, it will spread like wild fire thru the family, and you know what it will be embarrassing as hell to me too man, not just them too, because we portray a pretty good marriage image, thats putting a lot of hesitation on my mind about doing it.


If all this were true and she never intended to see him alone, why did she say she was nervous about "working" with him? Especially if she intended to have her daughter and family with her at the time.


----------



## Yeswecan

I would believe any of this as harmless flirting until it was found pictures have been sent. It is obvious where this was going. At this juncture, I would not believe anything your W has stated. Exposure is your only option IMO. The OM W will be your eyes and ears on that dismal end. Exposing in your neck of the woods put many eyes on your end.

Understand your W earned this exposure. Let your W own it now.


----------



## JohnA

Hi, 

How did your session go with the councilor go? What was discussed. 

The "fling" with the sister is a big deal. There have been more then a few marriages in trouble because of exactly what you discribed. When your wife fnds out about it given what as just occured she will go nuclear.


----------



## BetrayedDad

MarriageEjected said:


> you know what? it will be embarrassing as hell to me too man, not just them too, because we portray a pretty good marriage image, thats putting a lot of hesitation on my mind about doing it.


Only thing that would be embarrassing is keeping her around after finding out she plotted to fvck another guy.

If you're so concerned with emasculation, then act like a man and dump her and rather then cucking yourself by keeping HER secret.

After I divorced my ho exwife expeditiously and told everyone what happened all I got was tons of respect and pats on the back.

A lot of, "I'd of done the same thing" and "my spouse cheated on me too but I wish I did the guts to do what you did" comments galore.


----------



## sidney2718

SunCMars said:


> Hello @Sidney2718. Welcome back to Fauda.


Thanks. I've been here all along, just haven't been posting much.


----------



## WonkyNinja

MarriageEjected said:


> I am definitely not giving her crappy sex, I always do oral on her and make her finish, she does her fem ejac thing and all, many times (sorry....just want to be clear), at least 3-4 times a week, what hell else does she want??


I can't imagine what else she could want in a marriage, you seem to have everything covered there.



MarriageEjected said:


> I did have a fling thing with her sister geez like right before we got married very long time ago, she is a couple years younger than W and was very very hot then. She pursued me, am pretty sure she was mad that her sis was marrying me and getting new house, car, etc....but we never had sex, kissed and groped but that was it, and only once. Her sis invited me to her dorm one time after that and I said no, we never even talked about it since then ever, and W is not suppose to know anything.....I doubt she suddenly found out. I know what I did was wrong but I was young and stupid and was most definitely pursued very hard....f me I knew this would come back and bite me one day....but man it was nothing and in the end I stood my ground and said no.


You are going to lose it with her for having an EA (at the moment) and keep this little gem of information hidden? Not just cheating but cheating with her sister. That's deceit and deception on a whole new level. I suppose you could have gone one worse and gone with her mother, or even her father.


----------



## WonkyNinja

Thor said:


> Well that is completely irrelevant to the current situation, and, you can now never ever reveal this to your wife.


So he is forgiven for messing around with her sister and given a green light to expose her and the OM while keeping the minor irrelevance of hooking up with her sister to himself and taking the high ground. Unbelievable.


----------



## WonkyNinja

MarriageEjected said:


> ok give me a break man, I vaguely recall any of that, it was like 15y ago, her sis had her own intentions, she was very jealous of my wife and I was too young and stupid back then to see that. She was sun tanning in our pool patio and my W stepped away to the grocery store or something am not sure, I dont even recall she had left, I went back looking for her and there is her sis, alone....sunbathing...she tells me to rub more lotion on her...I was stumped and didnt move much, didnt say a word...she gets up and takes off her bikini top and walks up to me.....I need say no more....yea i was an idiot.....I let it happen, but she literally threw herself at me man.


Well now you explain it like that it's completely understandable. I'm sure any guy would have done just the same thing.[/SARCASM]


----------



## Yeswecan

WonkyNinja said:


> So he is forgiven for messing around with her sister and given a green light to expose her and the OM while keeping the minor irrelevance of hooking up with her sister to himself and taking the high ground. Unbelievable.


We understand 2 wrongs do not make a right. But his indiscretion during the marriage with the sister is not at hand for the moment. However, it should be when the time is at hand as his W has been living a lie with the OP as this has been hidden from her.


----------



## Yeswecan

WonkyNinja said:


> Well now you explain it like that it's completely understandable. I'm sure any guy would have done just the same thing.[/SARCASM]


The thought was there my friend(in the OP head). When presented with the opportunity...the rest is history as they say.


----------



## WonkyNinja

rzmpf said:


> Man, what other skeletons do you have in your closet?
> 
> First you making out with her sister, then the cop is some undercover super agent and now you are basically living under some sort of legal sword of Damocles the whole time?


You forgot his ability to push o/s updates to phones on a whim. :smile2:

It's almost as if it's a script.


----------



## WonkyNinja

MarriageEjected said:


> I have told her this has to happen with her parents and she has agreed to


I trust you are going to be the man and admit to your past infidelity and then you can move forward as a couple to reconcile in the knowledge that you are going to be honest with each other from this point forwards.

I mean you can't possibly intend to expose her while keeping your own skeleton safely in the closet, can you?


----------



## WonkyNinja

rzmpf said:


> All these infos would have been relevant from the start because they are relevant to your situation.
> 
> *While the thing with her sister may be some minor issue given that it has been "only" kissing and it happening years ago*, the info that the OM is an undercover cop is a major one. He is a professional liar and manipulator and he most certainly knows means to secretly communicate and cover his ass. Otherwise he would not be able to do his job.
> 
> And your problems that could mean legal trouble, especially with the OM being a cop, that's also something that you should let people know who you ask for advice. Because it may complicate the situation and therefore people may give you different advice.
> 
> P.S.
> Everyone has skeletons, you have, I have, they may differ in size and numbers.
> I'm just not the one asking for advice in this thread so there is no need for me to lay the ones that would be relevant to the situation I'm asking advice for out here.


The posters on this thread were convinced that she was going to have sex with the EA guy, but now also accept that he only kissed and groped with her sister like he said so he plays the victim. What about the 15 years of deception and lies he kept from his W? 

Hypocrites.


----------



## Popcorn2015

notmyrealname4 said:


> Why would you want to save your marriage to this person? I don't know why anyone here would recommend it..


Because he has kids with her and because (we think) she hasn't yet destroyed the marriage completely with a PA.




TX-SC said:


> In her mind she may even believe that she would have stopped it before it went too far.


Quite possibly. This is one of the differences between men and women. Women in these situations often think it's just flirting right until stuff "just happens".


----------



## WonkyNinja

Yeswecan said:


> We understand 2 wrongs do not make a right. But his indiscretion during the marriage with the sister is not at hand for the moment. However, it should be when the time is at hand as his W has been living a lie with the OP as this has been hidden from her.


In my book what she has done, or more precisely not yet done, is insignificant compared to him. He cheated on his fiancee with her fvcking sister then looked her in the face, said his wedding vows, married her and kept it from her for 15 years. Presumably in that time they've attended family functions together with her sister.

Now he's p1ssed because she's sent bikini shots to someone and arranged to meet.

Maybe she did find out and thought that this undercover narcs detective could hook her up with someone capable of explaining the error of his ways to OP?


----------



## Yeswecan

WonkyNinja said:


> I trust you are going to be the man and admit to your past infidelity and then you can move forward as a couple to reconcile in the knowledge that you are going to be honest with each other from this point forwards.
> 
> I mean you can't possibly intend to expose her while keeping your own skeleton safely in the closet, can you?


R is not in the cards when it is at hand what occurred many years ago with the sister. In fact, the sister/sister relationship will probably come to a end as well.


----------



## WonkyNinja

Yeswecan said:


> R is not in the cards when it is at hand what occurred many years ago with the sister. In fact, the sister/sister relationship will probably come to a end as well.


I fully agree. I can't believe that he's going to shame his W in front of her family, probably sister included, and act like he's the victim here.


----------



## weightlifter

>what the hell is going on? we have good sex regularly, she doesnt work, has everything she wants, I cant comprehend it. In the past I have had a couple issues with her overspending and getting us in moderate debt w/o telling me, and I have had to bail us out twice with my stock ...

We've had more than one of these. Excitement and fun. Perhaps a fantasy or kink or two.
YOU Have to fill all her needs. The role of a true husband is a hard one.
HE has to fill only one need...


----------



## TheTruthHurts

Brrrrahahaha "Then I put an update on her phone that made her next chat a group chat but it self destructs in 5 texts..." 

Who's playing whom?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## TRy

MarriageEjected said:


> I pushed an update to her phone that basically the next time she texted him it automatically turned it into a one time group chat for the next 5 SMS messages, that included my number, this gave me a way to make it look like she had accidentally added me to the message conversation


 If you could share with us exactly how to do this ("pushed an update to her phone that basically the next time she texted him it automatically turned it into a one time group chat for the next 5 SMS messages, that included my number, this gave me a way to make it look like she had accidentally added me to the message conversation"), it would be very beneficial to many on this site. This would be a game changer for many, and you would be famous on this site. Please respond to this ASAP as there are many posting now that could use this.


----------



## BobSimmons

WonkyNinja said:


> So he is forgiven for messing around with her sister and given a green light to expose her and the OM while keeping the minor irrelevance of hooking up with her sister to himself and taking the high ground. Unbelievable.


I have to agree, we scream up and down if this was a woman doing this, she would be branded a serial cheat. To this point all we have is the OP's story which seems to be getting more creative and longer i.e the OM being an undercover detectives working stings.

So has the OM just finished an undercover sting enough to come out and have sex with the OP's wife and then go back undercover again..

or is it undercover agent as in ..under the covers agent..get it? 

sorry for the t/j


----------



## dianaelaine59

WonkyNinja said:


> The posters on this thread were convinced that she was going to have sex with the EA guy, but now also accept that he only kissed and groped with her sister like he said so he plays the victim. What about the 15 years of deception and lies he kept from his W?
> 
> 
> 
> Hypocrites.




If he groped and kissed her sister, who had no top on, I'm not so sure I believe there was no sex. 

She's standing there exposing her breasts, you grope them I assume, and kiss her, and what .... stop??? 

Even if there was no sex, I'm sure if her sister would have pushed harder, there may have been. 

And it IS all about the intention, is it not? Just as your wife may have had the intention. 

Let me tell you for many women, finding out you even went THAT far with her sister after you made your decision to commit to and marry them, would infuriate them and hurt like hell. 

That was infidelity also ....

Just sayin. 



Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## Emerging Buddhist

TRy said:


> If you could share with us exactly how to do this ("pushed an update to her phone that basically the next time she texted him it automatically turned it into a one time group chat for the next 5 SMS messages, that included my number, this gave me a way to make it look like she had accidentally added me to the message conversation"), it would be very beneficial to many on this site. This would be a game changer for many, and you would be famous on this site. Please respond to this ASAP as there are many posting now that could use this.


Would have to be an awfully small carrier to have your finger on the pulse this deep...


----------



## SunCMars

sidney2718 said:


> Thanks. I've been here all along, just haven't been posting much.


Your posts usually suggest reflection, compassion, and forgiveness.

Your's is a voice in the wilderness. One, drowned out by those that seek vengeance on the fallen. 

On TAM....go with the flow, or go unnoticed...........few likes for the tame, the meek or the kind-hearted.


----------



## SunCMars

Emerging Buddhist said:


> Would have to be an awfully small carrier to have your finger on the pulse this deep...


Small, thin wrist, strong pulse. His heart doth carry-her.


----------



## 225985

Popcorn2015 said:


> Because he has kids with her and because (we think) she hasn't yet destroyed the marriage completely with a PA.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Quite possibly. This is one of the differences between men and women. Women in these situations often think it's just flirting right until stuff "just happens".




And with men it is never just flirting but instead just efforts to get into a woman's pants. 

His soon to be wife just leaves for a few minutes and he gets it on with her sister?

IMO if he exposes, little sis will speak up and say he kissed and groped her before the marriage. She has lots of motives to do that.

We will then find out how irrelevant it is.


----------



## Emerging Buddhist

SunCMars said:


> Small, thin wrist, strong pulse. His heart doth carry-her.


Along with a number of broken FCC laws as well it seems...


----------



## nursejackie

I would also wonder how invested you were in the marriage that it took so little to get you off track the day before your wedding day? How much empathy for your wife could you be experiencing when this is really seen as a "boys will be boys" moment. 

I'm not excusing what she is about to do but ask yourself how you may have contributed to getting her to this point. Have you been emotionally absent? Are you able to be vulnerable with her? Do you experience empathy for her day to day struggles?


----------



## 225985

I will ask a third time because it is relevant but I won't ask again if you don't answer. 

Why were you checking your wife's messages? 

We don't condone what she did but we need to understand the state of your marriage prior to this to look for conditions that contributed to her actions.

You have a lot of experience and help through the other posters who are here on your thread. Use them.


----------



## MyRevelation

WonkyNinja said:


> The posters on this thread were convinced that she was going to have sex with the EA guy, but now also accept that he only kissed and groped with her sister like he said so he plays the victim. What about the 15 years of deception and lies he kept from his W?
> 
> Hypocrites.


Well, it appears another BH has been run off by another round of attacking the victim. Sorry, but I don't put these two situations in the same category ... I ... just ... don't. One was a spur of the moment thwarted seduction attempt from a semi-naked jealous sister, while young (immature), not yet M'd, and the other was an ongoing premeditated betrayal by a W of 15 years. Very few things in life are black and white, while most occur in varying shades of gray. Therefore, I don't recognize, nor accept any hypocrisy for my position.

Personally, I'd like to see ME come back and get the support he needs to out the OM and blow up his world and to get the clarity of the whole truth from his WW. 

Come on back ME (if you're still reading) ... toughen your skin and as they say "take what you can use and ignore the rest". We all come to this place with our own dysfunctional baggage, so its not surprising that different people focus on different aspects of any story. I found when I was first going through this nightmare, that I connected with a few posters and looked to them to keep me straight ... the others, I just skimmed over and never responded to their misconceptions, and I'd suggest you do the same.


----------



## WonkyNinja

TRy said:


> If you could share with us exactly how to do this ("pushed an update to her phone that basically the next time she texted him it automatically turned it into a one time group chat for the next 5 SMS messages, that included my number, this gave me a way to make it look like she had accidentally added me to the message conversation"), it would be very beneficial to many on this site. This would be a game changer for many, and you would be famous on this site. Please respond to this ASAP as there are many posting now that could use this.


I believe he said he worked for the phone carrier. Even so I can't imagine that one person could push an operating system update to a single phone without detection, even if they had the ability to patch the o/s itself.

He may mean that he was able to modify the specific SMS message into an MMS and added his number to the conversation list. On my phone (Android - Samsung) MMS messages show with the conversation list as the header. It seems odd that she would either not notice or keep on partaking in a conversation with her husbands number in the title.


----------



## bandit.45

I wish WonkyNinja would post more often.


----------



## alte Dame

Me, too.


----------



## Nucking Futs

WonkyNinja said:


> I believe he said he worked for the phone carrier. Even so I can't imagine that one person could push an operating system update to a single phone without detection, even if they had the ability to patch the o/s itself.
> 
> He may mean that he was able to modify the specific SMS message into an MMS and added his number to the conversation list. On my phone (Android - Samsung) MMS messages show with the conversation list as the header. It seems odd that she would either not notice or keep on partaking in a conversation with her husbands number in the title.


I used to work for a major carrier. Entry level csr's had the access to do this. It would be very rare for one to be able to figure out how, but the access was there. It wouldn't be an operating system update, just a settings update not much different from pushing in a new voice mail access number. And a programmer with access to the raw databases could pretty much do anything he wanted.


----------



## TheTruthHurts

Nucking Futs said:


> I used to work for a major carrier. Entry level csr's had the access to do this. It would be very rare for one to be able to figure out how, but the access was there. It wouldn't be an operating system update, just a settings update not much different from pushing in a new voice mail access number. And a programmer with access to the raw databases could pretty much do anything he wanted.




However I don't think that's how his "wonder attack" was characterized. I believe he said on the NEXT text it would turn into a group message for 5 posts only.

That is an application program functioning at the operating system level using operating system exit routines (sorry to use very antiquated terminology but we don't know the operating platform and the concepts are still the same).

I realize you guys are searching for explanations that could be plausible, but I simply think he created a fantasy situation and has no idea about the underlying technology so what he described comes off as a typical Hollywood script (rogue cell phones making helicopters crash into grain silos if I recall Sandra Bullock's movie correctly)


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Nucking Futs

TheTruthHurts said:


> However I don't think that's how his "wonder attack" was characterized. I believe he said on the NEXT text it would turn into a group message for 5 posts only.
> 
> That is an application program functioning at the operating system level using operating system exit routines (sorry to use very antiquated terminology but we don't know the operating platform and the concepts are still the same).
> 
> I realize you guys are searching for explanations that could be plausible, but I simply think he created a fantasy situation and has no idea about the underlying technology so what he described comes off as a typical Hollywood script (rogue cell phones making helicopters crash into grain silos if I recall Sandra Bullock's movie correctly)
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Well, it would necessarily have to take effect on the next text. I don't know of a way to do it for a set number of messages then revert, the way I could have done it would have been for all messages sent until changed back, but I don't rule out the possibility of doing things simply because I don't know how to do them myself.


----------



## notmyrealname4

MarriageEjected said:


> ..... and well, *we had sex.....am an idiot.* I dont know what else to say, I told her after that sex didnt change anything and I was still mad as hell, I was exhausted and crashed to sleep.





straightshooter said:


> No ugly comments necessary, and no one is calling you an idiot. B ut* she just gaslighted you with sex and yes you fell for it *but that is not the problem unless you are in a state where having sex with her nullifies adultery in a divorce.





MAJDEATH said:


> Good luck brother, and enjoy the *hysterical bonding sex*, as you did nothing wrong.




It's hard to stay angry at someone whom you keep having orgasms with. 

Well played OP's wife, well played. 


Still can't get the make-out session with the sister out of my mind. ugh.


----------



## WonkyNinja

Nucking Futs said:


> I used to work for a major carrier. Entry level csr's had the access to do this. It would be very rare for one to be able to figure out how, but the access was there. It wouldn't be an operating system update, just a settings update not much different from pushing in a new voice mail access number. And a programmer with access to the raw databases could pretty much do anything he wanted.


Thank you for that information. Having people with access permissions for functions that would rarely be able to figure out how to do sounds like a recipe for disaster.


----------



## Nucking Futs

WonkyNinja said:


> Thank you for that information. Having people with access permissions for functions that would rarely be able to figure out how to do sounds like a recipe for disaster.


The problem was actually the opposite. The hard part was getting them to go into it at all.


----------



## 225985

MyRevelation said:


> Well, it appears another BH has been run off by another round of attacking the victim. Sorry, but I don't put these two situations in the same category ... I ... just ... don't. One was a spur of the moment thwarted seduction attempt from a semi-naked jealous sister, while young (immature), not yet M'd, and the other was an ongoing premeditated betrayal by a W of 15 years. Very few things in life are black and white, while most occur in varying shades of gray. Therefore, I don't recognize, nor accept any hypocrisy for my position.
> 
> 
> 
> Personally, I'd like to see ME come back and get the support he needs to out the OM and blow up his world and to get the clarity of the whole truth from his WW.
> 
> 
> 
> Come on back ME (if you're still reading) ... toughen your skin and as they say "take what you can use and ignore the rest". We all come to this place with our own dysfunctional baggage, so its not surprising that different people focus on different aspects of any story. I found when I was first going through this nightmare, that I connected with a few posters and looked to them to keep me straight ... the others, I just skimmed over and never responded to their misconceptions, and I'd suggest you do the same.




It doesn't really matter what you think. It only matters to OP and W. We already know how OP feels about the sister incident. We were pointing out that the risk he takes on exposure is that his wife may feel otherwise. 

IMO, and I am a guy, if the wife had done this - made out with OP's brother right before the wedding, we all would be yelling for him to dump her. 

That was supposed to be the time of maximum love and lust. One can also say after 15 years the loved waned and that the wife's behavior is normal or at least not surprising.


----------



## sidney2718

SunCMars said:


> Your posts usually suggest reflection, compassion, and forgiveness.
> 
> Your's is a voice in the wilderness. One, drowned out by those that seek vengeance on the fallen.
> 
> On TAM....go with the flow, or go unnoticed...........few likes for the tame, the meek or the kind-hearted.


Thanks, but I don't deserve such cheers. I can be pretty hard on people too.

This thread illustrates a point I always try to make. We see only one side of the story. For some, that is enough---spouse intended to cheat, spouse is dead meat. Then it turns out that the cheatee has been a cheater and vice versa. Opinions change.

Where would we be if the OP had not admitted to a seemingly (to him) minor offence way back at the start of the OP's marriage?


----------



## Evinrude58

An isolated incident initiated by a hot sister BEFORE vows spoken, where OP nixed the sex and cut off things. 
Weakness the that kind of nude sexual pressure would be hard for any man not to show interest in. Any man that says it wouldn't phase him is a liar. 

He stopped, he didn't go back for more. That shows loyalty to me.

I would not tell his wife. Her crap was premeditated and after vows were spoken--- totally different. 
I think wonky ninja is wrong in comparing the two situations. 

One is after marriage, premeditated, Pursued by wife, no conscience---- CAUGHT.
The op, IF his story is real and accurate, stopped the contact, didn't go further, and never let the sis tempt him again.
How can the two be compared?

I agree that if the wife or the groom fooled around with a sibling, I'd say don't marry the cheater. But if op's story is accurate, he was seduced and resisted. I see that differently.


----------



## 225985

Evinrude58 said:


> An isolated incident initiated by a hot sister BEFORE vows spoken, where OP nixed the sex and cut off things.
> 
> Weakness the that kind of nude sexual pressure would be hard for any man not to show interest in. Any man that says it wouldn't phase him is a liar.
> 
> 
> 
> He stopped, he didn't go back for more. That shows loyalty to me.
> 
> 
> 
> I would not tell his wife. Her crap was premeditated and after vows were spoken--- totally different.
> 
> I think wonky ninja is wrong in comparing the two situations.
> 
> 
> 
> One is after marriage, premeditated, Pursued by wife, no conscience---- CAUGHT.
> 
> The op, IF his story is real and accurate, stopped the contact, didn't go further, and never let the sis tempt him again.
> 
> How can the two be compared?
> 
> 
> 
> I agree that if the wife or the groom fooled around with a sibling, I'd say don't marry the cheater. But if op's story is accurate, he was seduced and resisted. I see that differently.




Well he didn't resist. He just didn't have sex with her. 

IMO he is at higher risk. If a strong sexy woman presses him for sex at a bar or a business trip, will he cave? 

I won't detail this thread by telling all my stories, but being on the other side, that $hit with the sister really matters and his attitude towards it really matters. If I was him I'd be concerned that information would be exposed. 

One thing OP never told, that most do, is WHY he was monitoring his wife's messages.


----------



## Thor

WonkyNinja said:


> So he is forgiven for messing around with her sister and given a green light to expose her and the OM while keeping the minor irrelevance of hooking up with her sister to himself and taking the high ground. Unbelievable.


Well you only read a portion of my statement.

He should have confessed this years ago. But now it will be extremely counterproductive to reveal it. His wife would use it to excuse her behavior and to beat him over the head. If the goal is to have a healthy reconciliation, revealing his actions from many years ago (before they were even married and which did not involve sex), he cannot reveal this.

It is his wife's current affair which has made it unwise for him to reveal it. Absent her affair, yes he should have revealed it.


----------



## Evinrude58

OP is apparently remorseful about this thing. He stopped it. Never went to sis again. If I were him, I'd never reveal it. Sis would just say he pressured HER. Wife would believe that most likely. 
I believe if he told the whole truth about it, he did what was smart after the episode.

As to the caving question.... A married man keeps himself out of potential sexual pressure from other women. This was his fiancee's sis. Is she not culpable more so?


----------



## 225985

Thor said:


> Well you only read a portion of my statement.
> 
> 
> 
> He should have confessed this years ago. But now it will be extremely counterproductive to reveal it. His wife would use it to excuse her behavior and to beat him over the head. If the goal is to have a healthy reconciliation, revealing his actions from many years ago (before they were even married and which did not involve sex), he cannot reveal this.
> 
> 
> 
> It is his wife's current affair which has made it unwise for him to reveal it. Absent her affair, yes he should have revealed it.




How about the goal of having an HONEST reconciliation? She is going to be punished for her mistake while he hides his?

Sounds like what J was doing to LosingHim. 

I think he was wise to rug sweep both, have good sex and move on.


----------



## Thor

blueinbr said:


> How about the goal of having an HONEST reconciliation? She is going to be punished for her mistake while he hides his?
> 
> Sounds like what J was doing to LosingHim.
> 
> I think he was wise to rug sweep both, have good sex and move on.


On a scale of 1 to 10, what OP did was about a 2, what his wife was/is doing is about a 7. In reality if he admits what he did it will make reconciliation impossible. R will be less than perfect because he will be hiding something from her, but the flip side is if he reveals it she will use it as the excuse to not be remorseful and to play on his guilt rather than address her own issues.

It would be better to leave the Level 2 infraction unaddressed while addressing her Level 7 infraction rather than make it impossible to address the Level 7 because of the Level 2.

His revelation to us of the groping event was bound to be a very hot button on this forum. People are welcome to their opinion on it, I have no interest in trying to change anyone else's mind.

OP's selective and sparse engagement with us on this thread leaves me with many questions and some doubts about what we're dealing with. My responses are more on a philosophical basis in this thread to provide fodder for thought for anyone who finds himself in a similar situation.


----------



## aine

Thor said:


> On a scale of 1 to 10, what OP did was about a 2, what his wife was/is doing is about a 7. In reality if he admits what he did it will make reconciliation impossible. R will be less than perfect because he will be hiding something from her, but the flip side is if he reveals it she will use it as the excuse to not be remorseful and to play on his guilt rather than address her own issues.
> 
> It would be better to leave the Level 2 infraction unaddressed while addressing her Level 7 infraction rather than make it impossible to address the Level 7 because of the Level 2.
> 
> His revelation to us of the groping event was bound to be a very hot button on this forum. People are welcome to their opinion on it, I have no interest in trying to change anyone else's mind.
> 
> OP's selective and sparse engagement with us on this thread leaves me with many questions and some doubts about what we're dealing with. My responses are more on a philosophical basis in this thread to provide fodder for thought for anyone who finds himself in a similar situation.



In terms of ranking the severity of the indiscretions of the OP and his wife, I think what he did says alot about his character. I mean it is one thing to engage in sexual contact with an OW but your future sister in law and the day before your wedding, says he has no respect for his wife or her feelings. He is a cad. I know you dismiss it as him being young, etc. which is a load of BS, there is no excuse at all for this.

I suspect his wife has found out and if he has acted in the marriage as a cad (some men never change) I am not surprised the wife (wrong as it is) is engaging in the same kind of stuff herself. 
sometimes the seeds we sow grow Venus fly traps and they come back to bite us in the ass big time.......just saying.


----------



## 225985

Thor said:


> On a scale of 1 to 10, what OP did was about a 2, what his wife was/is doing is about a 7. In reality if he admits what he did it will make reconciliation impossible. R will be less than perfect because he will be hiding something from her, but the flip side is if he reveals it she will use it as the excuse to not be remorseful and to play on his guilt rather than address her own issues.
> 
> 
> 
> It would be better to leave the Level 2 infraction unaddressed while addressing her Level 7 infraction rather than make it impossible to address the Level 7 because of the Level 2.
> 
> 
> 
> His revelation to us of the groping event was bound to be a very hot button on this forum. People are welcome to their opinion on it, I have no interest in trying to change anyone else's mind.
> 
> 
> 
> OP's selective and sparse engagement with us on this thread leaves me with many questions and some doubts about what we're dealing with. My responses are more on a philosophical basis in this thread to provide fodder for thought for anyone who finds himself in a similar situation.




I concur with you on the last paragraph so I will depart after this philosophical comment below. 

But you are way off on the severity on the sister event. Ask a woman to rank it. 

My wife has a sister. I won't say any more.

Peace out.


----------



## dianaelaine59

blueinbr said:


> I concur with you on the last paragraph so I will depart after this philosophical comment below.
> 
> But you are way off on the severity on the sister event. Ask a woman to rank it.
> 
> My wife has a sister. I won't say any more.
> 
> Peace out.




I'll rank it blue!

It's HIGH in my mind .... why? Because I would be starting my marriage without all the information I needed to make an informed decision. My sister???? I don't think so!!

And by the way, it would affect my relationship with my sister also!

A man makes a choice for one woman ... to give his loyalty to, that choice was made. Even a passionate/sexual kiss and ESPECIALLY groping of the breasts of my SISTER, is NOT what you do AFTER your choice was made. 

All my OWN opinion of course. 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## Thor

aine said:


> In terms of ranking the severity of the indiscretions of the OP and his wife, I think what he did says alot about his character. I mean it is one thing to engage in sexual contact with an OW but your future sister in law and the day before your wedding, says he has no respect for his wife or her feelings. He is a cad. I know you dismiss it as him being young, etc. which is a load of BS, there is no excuse at all for this.
> 
> I suspect his wife has found out and if he has acted in the marriage as a cad (some men never change) I am not surprised the wife (wrong as it is) is engaging in the same kind of stuff herself.
> sometimes the seeds we sow grow Venus fly traps and they come back to bite us in the ass big time.......just saying.


It is entirely possible she's known of this for a long time, and it may be her rationalization for her cheating. If that is the case, her infidelity may not have ever happened had it not been for his betrayal, yet her choice to cheat is her failing. Her rightful response to knowing of his betrayal is either to leave him or to work on R with him.

I believe it is almost always true that a betrayal impacts the relationship even when the betrayed does not know about it. The dishonest person either continues to commit infractions which cause the relationship to not be genuine, or the guilt of keeping the secret creates a barrier to true intimacy. Either way, the betrayed is getting less than a fully close relationship even though they are unaware of whatever betrayal has occurred, even a low level betrayal.

I think this discussion is really mostly academic in this thread, as OP has chosen to ignore numerous simple questions and has dropped somewhat sensational topics into the fray.


----------



## TheTruthHurts

I just stopped back to say the show is over, the lights are out, and almost everyone has left the building.

Can you guys turn the lights off when you go?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## TaDor

Not seeing the NC letter is a typical mistake. Been there, done that. My she left the letter I had foolishly trusted her as she was still deep in the fog. She had left a way for her to accept him back. I think it might have been good in the long run. 

Why? We were early into this mess. The experienced folks here warned me back then. Too good to be true. My wife proved them right. I'm not sure how things would have gone had I looked at the letter. I would have blown my lid, she would have locked up and I would not have gotten her into rehab and AA. Likely things would have gotten very bad for her. 

I saw the text from the OM asking her to go beyond friends. Her response was "I'm scared" but he got her to meet him in person and that's when things escalated quickly.

So a undercover cop knows about burner phones. You can get a tiny Android phone for $40 and prepay $25 a month for texts as limited calls. Hence the strong suggestions that you MUST buy one or two VARa from Sony. Put one of them in her car. 

It's not hard to find a way to get an hour or so away from family for a quickie. 

Don't rugsweep. You both need MC and calm talking to do. No begging but also no telling.

Good luck. 
Issue with her sis.... Let it go. Stupid yes, but you never went there with any woman. It's a mixed bag.


----------



## MarriageEjected

I am not gone, just very busy lately with xmass preparations, as the party is at our house this year. I have not exposed to OMW and honestly I do not plan to, particularly now with xmass upon us and the party, it will ruin everything....I am just not cool doing that, not yet at least. Still no word from OM to my W's NC text and FB message, not one peep. She has been extremely nice and apologetic and I have been checking all her calls and texts and nothing sticks out. I think am going to let a few days go by and let xmass go past and see what happens next.

I am disappointed about the comments of my previous mistake many years ago, yes being young and stupid does count!!!, and hell the woman (her sis) pretty much threw herself at me, wtf?!?. I DID NOT have sex w her, I had no intention and was frankly stumped by just the kissing alone, I stopped it and told her cant do this and that my W could be back any minute. Here I thought all along I had stood the moral stand, guess not. Was I attracted to her sis then? absolutely, she was amazing back then and extremely sexual and flirtatious, but I knew it would be a disaster to follow thru with her.

I guess is also doesnt count that she had her own ulterior motives, was very jealous her sister had landed a "good catch" and I was giving my W everything, new home, cars, etc....her sis told me she was jealous, and even though she didnt say it explicitly, but I know she wanted to get back at her sister (my W) and screwing her husband to be to have won over her somehow...I didnt let that happen. But no one appears to see that angle of it.

Still need to get my W her xmass gift...should I take into consideration what she has done to affect the gift at all? am hung up on this part and running out of time.


----------



## WorkingOnMe

There's been no word because they've taken it underground. You're apparently pretty easy to fool.


----------



## Marc878

MarriageEjected said:


> I am not gone, just very busy lately with xmass preparations, as the party is at our house this year. I have not exposed to OMW and honestly I do not plan to, particularly now with xmass upon us and the party, it will ruin everything....I am just not cool doing that, not yet at least. Still no word from OM to my W's NC text and FB message, not one peep. She has been extremely nice and apologetic and I have been checking all her calls and texts and nothing sticks out. I think am going to let a few days go by and let xmass go past and see what happens next.
> 
> I am disappointed about the comments of my previous mistake many years ago, yes being young and stupid does count!!!, and hell the woman (her sis) pretty much threw herself at me, wtf?!?. I DID NOT have sex w her, I had no intention and was frankly stumped by just the kissing alone, I stopped it and told her cant do this and that my W could be back any minute. Here I thought all along I had stood the moral stand, guess not. Was I attracted to her sis then? absolutely, she was amazing back then and extremely sexual and flirtatious, but I knew it would be a disaster to follow thru with her.
> 
> I guess is also doesnt count that she had her own ulterior motives, was very jealous her sister had landed a "good catch" and I was giving my W everything, new home, cars, etc....her sis told me she was jealous, and even though she didnt say it explicitly, but I know she wanted to get back at her sister (my W) and screwing her husband to be to have won over her somehow...I didnt let that happen. But no one appears to see that angle of it.
> 
> Still need to get my W her xmass gift...should I take into consideration what she has done to affect the gift at all? am hung up on this part and running out of time.


----------



## Marc878

Helping hide the affair will just enable it. Weakness or fear at this time will probably get you more of what you've gotten.


----------



## turnera

I wouldn't go overboard on the present. Let her see you hurt and angry. That's the best way for her to feel the weight of what she did.


----------



## Lostinthought61

marriage...i would tell your wife that you haven't got her gift yet because you have lost so much respect for her and trust and see what she says...be honest...this is not a time to rugsweep it because of the holidays.

Quite honestly....if you stay in this marriage you is a gift.....and fact i would repeatedly play this song for her 

"Last Christmas"


----------



## TX-SC

I tend to think you probably caught it in time, but you need to have your wife seek counseling to see why she did what she did. Honestly, I think this will happen again. It may not be THIS guy, but it will be someone. She has to understand why it went that far and take steps to insure it doesn't go that far again.


----------



## BetrayedDad

MarriageEjected said:


> Still need to get my W her xmass gift...should I take into consideration what she has done to affect the gift at all? am hung up on this part and running out of time.


This is the PERFECT opportunity to go out LIKE A MAN.

File for divorce and have her copy wrapped, with a bow, under the tree waiting for her.

Take a picture when she opens it. It will be the gift that keeps on giving. The affair is still on. 

P.S. You acted like a POS for making out with her oiled up, topless, with bikini bottoms only, college aged, horny, hot younger sister who was literally throwing herself at you. 

Shame on you...


----------



## Graywolf2

Do not get her a present. That would be acting as if not much happened. Divorce needs to be on the table even if you intend to stay with her. She needs to realize how close she came to losing everything.

If you act like it was no big deal then why in the world wouldn’t she think the same thing? If it’s not a big deal then she working with a net. If she does it again and is caught the “net” will save her because you think it’s not a big deal.

She needs to think she walked to the edge of a cliff and didn’t fall due to a miracle that will not happen again.


----------



## Evinrude58

Could be a wimpier response to a cheating wife, but I doubt it. You might as well hand her a get out of jail free card so next time she can give it to you when she cheats and not even have to discuss it with you. That's what you're doing. 

By not telling OM's wife, you are showing no courage whatsoever.

This affair has t even ended yet and you're sticking your head in the sand.

Wish I could convince you to tell the OMW. Using Christmas as an excuse.... You were looking for an excuse.


----------



## Palodyne

> I am disappointed about the comments of my previous mistake many years ago, yes being young and stupid does count!!!, and hell the woman (her sis) pretty much threw herself at me, wtf?!?. I DID NOT have sex w her, I had no intention and was frankly stumped by just the kissing alone, I stopped it


 You did the right thing shutting her down. She came on to you, extremely hard, kissing you topless, and you pushed her off and walked away. You have nothing to be ashamed of, and that is nothing compared to what your wife is up to now.
You need to pay close attention to your wifes actions, because as others have stated, she may attempt to take her affair deeper underground. After the holiday, if you want to wait till then, you must inform the other mans wife. She deserves to know, and the pressure from his wife will help kill the affair.


----------



## BobSimmons

Still no word on what happened to the OM?!!? I'm dying here!

What sting operation is he working on? Does he wear 70's rock wigs and comedy mustaches?

I doubt telling the OM's wife will help because she's probably an uncover cop too!!

Think about it, they're staking out the house next door, she's not even a real BS..unless she fell in love with him during the operation, but then she knows the game, what goes on during the undercover operation stays in the undercover operation..unless she gets debriefed *heh* then it will all come out!


----------



## Hope1964

Am I the only one finding his response to his wife and the response to her sister at complete odds with each other? With the sister he was strong and knew what he needed to do to get the outcome he wanted. With his wife all he's done is pulled his pants down and bent over.


----------



## straightshooter

MarriageEjected said:


> I am not gone, just very busy lately with xmass preparations, as the party is at our house this year. I have not exposed to OMW and honestly I do not plan to, particularly now with xmass upon us and the party, it will ruin everything....I am just not cool doing that, not yet at least. Still no word from OM to my W's NC text and FB message, not one peep. She has been extremely nice and apologetic and I have been checking all her calls and texts and nothing sticks out. I think am going to let a few days go by and let xmass go past and see what happens next.
> 
> I am disappointed about the comments of my previous mistake many years ago, yes being young and stupid does count!!!, and hell the woman (her sis) pretty much threw herself at me, wtf?!?. I DID NOT have sex w her, I had no intention and was frankly stumped by just the kissing alone, I stopped it and told her cant do this and that my W could be back any minute. Here I thought all along I had stood the moral stand, guess not. Was I attracted to her sis then? absolutely, she was amazing back then and extremely sexual and flirtatious, but I knew it would be a disaster to follow thru with her.
> 
> I guess is also doesnt count that she had her own ulterior motives, was very jealous her sister had landed a "good catch" and I was giving my W everything, new home, cars, etc....her sis told me she was jealous, and even though she didnt say it explicitly, but I know she wanted to get back at her sister (my W) and screwing her husband to be to have won over her somehow...I didnt let that happen. But no one appears to see that angle of it.
> 
> Still need to get my W her xmass gift...should I take into consideration what she has done to affect the gift at all? am hung up on this part and running out of time.


I'm not saying a damm thing about your mistake of years ago. You are rugseweeping this whole thing and my bet is that you are going to be one sorry customer that you have rejected mostly of the advice. This cop knows what a burner phone is and you better keep looking for it.
So as we stand now, your wife was definitely planning on going to bang another man, got caught, fed you a bunch of crap about a NC letter that you did not see, and you've fallen for it hook, line, and sinker, and are more worried about her Christmas gift and party than getting the truth by buying the VAR's. For $150 you could know if she is telling the truth.
So, so far, no consequences other than you being a bit mad. 

Yup, thats harsh, but my guess is most of us believe you will be back at some point with some bad news. Hope I am wrong. And notice no mention of her sister. Thats just bull **** and no excuse.


----------



## SunCMars

MarriageEjected said:


> Still need to get my W her xmas gift...should I take into consideration what she has done to affect the gift at all? am hung up on this part and running out of time.


Thank you for sticking around. The heat in our kitchen can be intense.

We have many chef posters here. They will serve up weeping willow stew, hammered flat potatoes, tear streaked pudding, and acrid porridge, to name a few.

My favorite is Hoot Owl Flutters. They are low-cal but they do give you gas.

It would be easy to get her a lump of coal, with her name and age engraved on it.

Me? I would get her an expensive set of diamond earrings. A pair that you know she would like and would wear. Everytime she puts them on she will remember your anger and hurt on D-Day.

She still has a conscience. It is under the clutter in the back of her mind. She hopefully dusts it off and puts it on display....going forward. 

Our @Hope1964 lives in Ontario, Canada. I hope her's and your's [Hope] intersect.

Keep snooping. There will come a time, when there is a time, no longer to snoop. 

That queried time is still swinging, as does a pendulum... back, forth. 

And Sobeit! For with the motion come safety, without comes the thud. The thud, when time meets fate, inertia is absorbed, the marital body takes the fatal hit. The marriage is gashed and sinks to nothing more. 

All is not lost until YOU declare it lost. Most of here are....................... Lost for You.

“Study after study has show that human behavior changes when we know we’re being watched. Under observation, we act less free, which means we effectively *are* less free.”
― Edward Snowden


----------



## MarriageEjected

straightshooter said:


> fed you a bunch of crap about a NC letter that you did not see


huh?? what are you talking about? look at post 200....I see all her SMS and FB messages!!! including content!

I pushed another spy app to her phone that pretty much works like if I had her phone on my hand, listen to calls live, remotely turn on the microphone and listen, and also turn on camera and capture video, do screenshots every 5 seconds, and FTP all capture files to my AWS instance. I didnt build this app, you can buy it, quite a few around that do this. I also ordered, just in case, one of these below, they are pretty cool, pop your own SIM card on it and does live GPS updates and also remote listen and video while capturing everything to an SD card on the device, should have it tomorrow. So far am pretty sure there is no "burner phone". I mean short of doing smoke signals I truly dont know how else could she be getting in touch with him.

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01A8FBST8/



Hope1964 said:


> Am I the only one finding his response to his wife and the response to her sister at complete odds with each other? With the sister he was strong and knew what he needed to do to get the outcome he wanted. With his wife all he's done is pulled his pants down and bent over.


I have no idea what you are trying to say.....but it looks like it wasnt addressed to me anyways. I have never ever dealt with or knew anything about infidelity until a couple weeks ago, zip, zilch.

man you guys are a handful!! is all good thou....I need it and deserve it.


----------



## old red

For Christmas, I would purchase her a book on the damage that infidelity does to children and betrayed spouses. Keep in mind, however, that I do not have any experience with infidelity.


----------



## WonkyNinja

old red said:


> For Christmas, I would purchase her a book on the damage that infidelity does to children and betrayed spouses. Keep in mind, however, that I do not have any experience with infidelity.


Should he give it to her or just read it himself?


----------



## old red

WonkyNinja said:


> Should he give it to her or just read it himself?


Great question. Although I do think that the wife is more at fault here, I also absolutely agree that the op should have told his wife about the kiss with his sister straight away. She entered into a marriage lacking some very important knowledge, which was unfair on her.


----------



## dianaelaine59

So, her sister took her top off came over to you, picked your hands up, and put them on her breasts, right? Because you stated there was kissing AND groping. 

You don't think I'm getting it, but you're not getting it .... once you made that commitment in your heart to your fiancé, there is no kissing, there is no groping ... period. 

What you should have said was, "stop being an immature brat, put your top back on, and grow up"! Then you should've turned and walked away. 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## dianaelaine59

Just a quick thought .... if I were your fiancé and I found out about that, I would've canceled the wedding. But yeah, that's just me. 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## 225985

WonkyNinja said:


> Should he give it to her or just read it himself?




Both. They should read it together.


----------



## 225985

old red said:


> Great question. Although I do think that the wife is more at fault here, I also absolutely agree that the op should have told his wife about the kiss with his sister straight away. She entered into a marriage lacking some very important knowledge, which was unfair on her.




She wouldn't have entered the marriage if he told her.


----------



## Chaparral

The only comment I have about your sister in law is I'm afraid your wife and her fell from the same apple tree. Both have no proper boundaries.

Did you run an app to see what old messages were? Have you checked out her old phones?

Women that have affairs but continue having sex and behaving normally with their husbands see sex as recreational. Not about love.


----------



## ABHale

After the holidays you need to seat down with your wife and get her to give you a time line. 

Did this other couple live around you at one point?

If so could all of this have started back then?

Just looking at the messages you paposted between them and seems that this has been a long term relationship. Especially the line of continuing the adventure.

Good luck.


----------



## Popcorn2015

Chaparral said:


> The only comment I have about your sister in law is I'm afraid your wife and her fell from the same apple tree. *Both have no proper boundaries.*.


That's a polite way to put it.


----------



## eric1

Tracking her phone is a great start. You've been given numerous examples where that wasn't enough, and frankly the odds are that it isn't.

If you're really interested in saving your marriage you'll first use the tool of exposure to his family. There is literally no downside to doing so, except that you are scared to do so. That is ok, it's definitely not something you or anyone would choose to do, but you're an adult and sometimes you have to do things because it's the right thing to do.

Get angry - this dude thinks you're a piece of crap. It's both the right thing to do and the karmic thing to do.


----------



## MarriageEjected

I have to be short because the pain is inmense, i just cant cope very well yet....I discovered she was using instagram to chat with another man, turned out to be her physical therapist where she was going to 3 times a week for a leg injury....she confessed to a 2 week long PA only (which i verified thru taking over her IG account). the cop guy was nothing, or least yet, i was onto the least wrong thing....the latest installed app I pushed showed me this detail, but unfortunately it was a little too late. I got played at my own game and lost guys, am so fked up right now i have had to call the suicide hotline at one time.

I have exposed this OM to his W from a 23yo marriage, his W doesnt want him and wants a divorce, he pleaded me to no end not to tell on him, said he would beg me on his knees, I did it anyways and in the end he thanked me. He has told me he is contemplating suicide but backed out of it (advice in how serious to take that??, do I have to tell on him to authorities?), he will also likely lose his job as well as a result of his W exposing him.

I have started separating all my finances from my W and will be filing for D later in the week. I have no idea how my kids are going to turn out or how things will play out. I am so devastated its beyond belief, i know some of you think I deserve this for my stupid crap from 15 years ago....I do not know how often I will have the energy to come back in here to update but I will from time to time. This is horrific, her parents are all on her side, i quit talking to them. my poor kids all i can think about, they are so innocent, my older daughter knows.


----------



## 225985

I am so sorry. 

Your thread now takes a new direction. Some of us were hard on you earlier so as to push reconciliation. 

With this new information, this is now a full divorce situation. You will get support on how to best survive that. The advice here is very very good on how to help a man in your situation. 

Good luck.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt

MarriageEjected said:


> He has told me he is contemplating suicide but backed out of it (advice in how serious to take that??, do I have to tell on him to authorities?), he will also likely lose his job as well as a result of his W exposing him.


It's not your job to babysit the drama queen.



> I have started separating all my finances from my W and will be filing for D later in the week. I have no idea how my kids are going to turn out or how things will play out. I am so devastated its beyond belief, i know some of you think I deserve this for my stupid crap from 15 years ago....I do not know how often I will have the energy to come back in here to update but I will from time to time. This is horrific, her parents are all on her side, i quit talking to them. my poor kids all i can think about, they are so innocent, my older daughter knows.


Dumping a cheater is never wrong. You're very wise.

Wishing you much luck.


----------



## Lostinthought61

Nothing you did is karma or karma like for this.....she has a serious problem....is she owning her behavior and actions....i an shocked her parents are on her side.


----------



## MarriageEjected

make no mistake, this divorce will fk me up completely financially, I live in FL, a no fault state, and it sucks for divorce for men, they wont give crap about anything that happened....am in for lifetime alimony and many years of very high child support costs....am not as excited as some of you are about my divorce and dumping her, the mother of my kids after all.....she wont have a clue what to do...this will be all on me.


----------



## manfromlamancha

What is your wife's response to this latest discovery and also the exposure to OMW?


----------



## MarriageEjected

She'sStillGotIt said:


> It's not your job to babysit the drama queen.
> 
> 
> Dumping a cheater is never wrong. You're very wise.
> 
> Wishing you much luck.


my lawyer is away...but thought once someone told you that they were contemplating suicide you had to tell on them, or you could get in trouble if LE finds out you knew and said nothing....is that right?


----------



## 225985

Does your wife work? What is her income compared to yours?


----------



## Nucking Futs

MarriageEjected said:


> make no mistake, this divorce will fk me up completely financially, I live in FL, a no fault state, and it sucks for divorce for men, they wont give crap about anything that happened....am in for lifetime alimony and many years of very high child support costs....am not as excited as some of you are about my divorce and dumping her, the mother of my kids after all.....she wont have a clue what to do...this will be all on me.


I don't think your marriage was long enough for permanent alimony, check with your lawyer about that. I think your big problem is that Scott vetoed the last alimony reform bill because it contained a presumption of 50/50 custody. Right now it's "best interests of the children" which means the judge decides based on his own prejudices, and most family court judges prejudice is not in favor of fathers.


----------



## Chaparral

Go dadsdivorce.com and fight like hell.

What is your wife saying? Was she contemplating suicide or you?

Nothing wrong at all telling the police the Posom was thinking about suicide. Have you contacted his work/


----------



## 225985

Chaparral said:


> Go dadsdivorce.com and fight like hell.
> 
> What is your wife saying? Was she contemplating suicide or you?
> 
> Nothing wrong at all telling the police the Posom was thinking about suicide. Have you contacted his work/




I lost track of the OMen. It really sucks when they have to be numbered. I thought it was the physical therapist that was losing job and threatened suicide. The PT will be fired immediately.

BTW, my wife goes to PT. I take her to the appointments. Most of the workers there are young and attractive. And very very empathetic. They have to be in that job. I very much see how a woman can fall for one of the guys. Just like a guy falling for a nurse.

Any unethical physical therapist can easily hook up with a client. For that reason, that type of behavior is never tolerated and should be outed.


----------



## nursejackie

So sorry to hear of this latest development. I am sure your are devastated no matter what kind of POS your wife has turned out to be. Such a sad time. I hope that you can find the strength to carry on the best you can for your children right now and then later for yourself. 

One foot in front of the other ....just keep going and eventually you will come out the other side of this mess.

God bless.


----------



## threelittlestars

I think the other man that your wife was chatting with was a potential affair, but this Physical therapist....wow. Breach of professional conduct. How is your wife reacting to all this. 

She sung you a merry tune last week about it all, tell us what she has to say about your recent find and the exposure to the OM-BS? 

You are not alone, you and not pathetic, and DONT YOU DARE commit suicide. You are smart, and worthy of a happy life, you will have it. This tough time needs to pass first. By spring I believe things will be looking up. Get a lawyer, get a IC, and move on without her. Sure, FL sucks for many reasons, not just being a no fault state. 

You can try to control the outcome by holding something over your wife head through the divorce process. Maybe exposer to the OMW was too soon. Try to find something against your wife to negotiate less alimony. 

This is a better discussion for your lawyer, but i would stop telling people now, just so you have some cards to play later. Divorce is a game of poker. Its important to play the cards at the right time. 

You are doing GREAT considering this all happened over christmas and the happy family facade of everyone else is being thrown at you.


----------



## TX-SC

Sorry to hear that this is ending so badly for you. Divorce will be difficult, but you WILL get through this. You will have to be strong for your children and for yourself. The life you knew is crumbling around you, and you'll have to be the solid foundation on which your kids can find safety. Seek counseling for yourself. You'll need help through all of this.

Talk to your lawyer as soon as possible. Try to get a real handle on what you are facing. I have no doubt that the next few years will be difficult for you, but it's likely that alimony won't be long term. If you can get 50/50 custody, child support should be manageable as well.


----------



## MarriageEjected

I had suicidal thoughts, i called the hotline immediately but I never really was close to, wanted more to scare my W more than anything TBH. The OM did threatened me with taking his life if I told on him, I did anyways but he then sent me a huge thank you note for doing it, he said the guilt was killing him anyways, that I did the right thing, he never thought he would have done this in a 23y old marriage he never had even anything close happen. He said he had to inform his job or his W was going to, havent talked to him in a couple days now, so who knows.

My W, when she noticed I had shut down her account she was on way home from grocery store, she said she immediately knew that I was onto her and as technologically as I was that she knew I already knew everything, she said she was frozen and doesnt even remember getting home, she came to my office and she dropped on her knees and gave me her wedding ring w/o me saying a word....I didnt say anything, she was crying hysterically and she said "I have done everything, horrible things, I know you will divorce me but please know I will spend the rest of my life to fix myself and to do whatever you always want me to do, anything, everything" she just kept repeating this....I let her parents know immediately and they called her. She then told me all the details and has been telling me since that day, the usual crap really, nothing special or unique worth going into. She would run off with him after therapy to some unoccupied building next door and do the deed and thats it, I habe all the sexual details and all that but doesnt bother me too much, whatever, I have been with more sexual partners than her by far before we married and had a lot of fun so am not jealous or any crap like that.

she doesnt work, am the only income, I make almost $250k/y which will be crap after the divorce, we live comfortably in a fancy reputable community, new house, with 3 acres of land, all gone, destroyed now. I am filling for divorce, no doubt, but I know i am and will hesitate a lot....she doesnt have a penny to live on, doesnt know where she will go, doesnt know anything, cant afford a lawyer...i mean she is truly screwed and I feel for her, my kids love her. I cant have the kids full time, thats crazy, I work a lot, travel once a month or so on business, I am happy with 50/50, just hate not to have them around because of her stupid behavior.

She admits she has problems that she needs fixing, was sexually abused as a child too. But i dont buy it, people our age can tell right from wrong is that simple.....I dont believe everything else.

there is a lot more, i have to go for a bit now, will return, on top of everything I kicked the **** out of her Lexus for having OM in it....well I missed the fender and hit the wheel instead and now have a hair line fracture on foot, with a plastic boot now.


----------



## MarriageEjected

i just have to ask, I cant grasp it, what is it with cheaters that are discovered that they think they still can ask for anything at all?? that if they ask you for a chance that they might deserve one??? I mean that just kills me.....both her and OM still had nerve to ask for me not to do certain things, wtf??? i.e. who asked me anything about being ok with being shared with another person sexually?? I dont recall that being asked......I get people want to have sex or whatever, I get it...it happens, its nature....but god damn it keep me the F away from it.....dont include me in some sick 4some......unreal

I need you guys in here more than I ever needed anything from the internet, seriously, I have a special bond to this place now, forever (against my will but ok)


----------



## bandit.45

What we told you before wasn't good enough for you. Why should it be now?


----------



## Nucking Futs

MarriageEjected said:


> i just have to ask, I cant grasp it, what is it with cheaters that are discovered that they think they still can ask for anything at all?? that if they ask you for a chance that they might deserve one??? I mean that just kills me.....both her and OM still had nerve to ask for me not to do certain things, wtf??? i.e. who asked me anything about being ok with being shared with another person sexually?? I dont recall that being asked......I get people want to have sex or whatever, I get it...it happens, its nature....but god damn it keep me the F away from it.....dont include me in some sick 4some......unreal
> 
> I need you guys in here more than I ever needed anything from the internet, seriously, I have a special bond to this place now, forever (against my will but ok)


Have you been tested for std's yet? DNA'd the kids yet? Are you carrying a VAR?


----------



## Marc878

You may have recourse against the hospital/etc where OM works.

You'll need all the $'s you can get.

However, you like most will try R after you calm down


----------



## Evinrude58

MarriageEjected said:


> make no mistake, this divorce will fk me up completely financially, I live in FL, a no fault state, and it sucks for divorce for men, they wont give crap about anything that happened....am in for lifetime alimony and many years of very high child support costs....am not as excited as some of you are about my divorce and dumping her, the mother of my kids after all.....she wont have a clue what to do...this will be all on me.


You're so wrong. We aren't excited about it, it's just the only possible thing you can do. 
I personally could care less a out the cheating cop, who turned beggar. He had no mercy for you or your kids. His wife deserved to know.

About her not having a clue--- yeah, she does. She plans on you supporting her while she continues to f around. The law will force you to provide for her while she's running around. But you have to move on and move past this. Looking ahead is where you have to stay focused. Looking in your rear view is something that you don't let yourself do or dwell on.


----------



## Lauranie

I know you are in a bad place right now. This is a transient phase, think of it like a phoenix: Sometimes you have to die a little inside in order to be reborn and rise again as a stronger and wiser version of you.

Yes, the life you knew is now over, but that doesn’t mean you are done or you won’t find yourself in a better place. At the moment, you are making the worst out of a bad situation. If you ask many here will supply you with a more accurate settlement picture, so will your lawyer.

People on this thread have been unusually hard on you. In part I believe their hope was to steel you against just this pain (yes, we all saw this coming). You have been hurt to the core and many of us know this pain. But now is the time for action. You have shown a lot of weakness, and it makes us frightened for you because if you continue this path you will invite even more pain. 

I am inclined to believe you will gravitate towards R. In your current frame of mind this would lead to nothing positive. If you do indeed want to save it, the actions should be the same as if you were heading towards D. 
180
File for Divorce
Have her attend IC
Full disclosure (both sides of the family and friends)
She needs to acknowledge and empathize with the pain and chaos she caused
If you see what looks and feels like true remorse after the above, attend MC. 
If not, you will at least have a more clear picture of your options and have readied yourself to let go.

You are feeling vulnerable right now because she knocked you on you’re a$$. That doesn’t make you weak, but you are in a prone position. It’s up to you and you alone to pick yourself back up. You are now in control, you are in charge and you get to set the path for you and your child’s future.


----------



## Lostinthought61

is the therapist married....is he an employee of the place...he should be fired...and if married his wife should know.

PS she she should be the one to tell the kids you are getting divorce because of what she did....

and remind her the nice and nice car is gone...all the nice clothes are gone...she will be shopping for her clothes at the thrift store.


----------



## RWB

MarriageEjected said:


> I have to be short because the pain is immense, i just cant cope very well yet....*I discovered she was using Instagram to chat with another man, turned out to be her physical therapist where she was going to 3 times a week for a leg injury....she confessed to a 2 week long PA* only (which i verified thru taking over her IG account).
> 
> *The cop guy was nothing, or least yet, i was onto the least wrong thing....the latest installed app I pushed showed me this detail, but unfortunately it was a little too late.* I got played at my own game and lost guys, am so fked up right now i have had to call the suicide hotline at one time.


ME,

Banner Week?

7 years ago I was sitting in your shoes. If anything I've learned about affairs... "There's always more."

Hold on, prepare for more to follow as you keep *"investigating" *the past. Personally, I caught my WW in a short EAPA with an old BF from college days. I suspected more. Investigating old email archives and phone records... turns out she had been Serial Cheating for years with multiple OM. 

Probably the biggest lie in the cheater handbook... It was a one-time mistake, I've never done anything like this before... _"I swear."_ I even got the _"old hand on the Bible lie."_

My IC explained it like this... The Serial Cheater has a pretty weak hand. The only card they can play is to minimize the number of APs and the length and depth (Sex) that the affair entailed. No PUNs intended.


----------



## ShatteredStill

My only sibling. My beloved big brother took his own life as a result of his wife's infidelity & all of the cruel torture that goes with it. He was gaslit from the start, slowly destroyed over a year.

What I KNOW in my heart of hearts...If he was in his right mind, if he had any idea of the emotional carnage he would leave in his wake, if he could of caught a glimpse of the Eternal damage his action would of caused his loved ones...If, if, if, he would NEVER of done it!!

He made a choice, inhis darkest hour, that could never be reversed. I know that the pain was excruciating. I know that she had dealt blow after brutal blow but tragically I know that he would of recovered. His life would have improved. He would of held his first beautiful granddaughter & she would have grown knowing what a wonderful, funny, gentle, kind & loving man her grandfather was.

Suicide hotlines are there for you so are all of your new friends here on TAM. I have experienced the agony & utter loss of self. It does get better. I promise you that it does. Please be strong.


----------



## 225985

Hook up with her sister if she is not married.


----------



## ShatteredStill

My brother has 4 amazing kids that needed him. Regardless of the useless pile of s**t his wife made him feel like, he was a dearly loved wonderful man. Our lives will never be the same. I'm now an only child. My parents every memory of me is tied to him so my very existence makes them sad. We have all lost more than he could of ever imagined.

You are needed, loved & cherished by so many. Please don't let her selfish, cruel, vile actions break you!

My brothers POS wife would never of truly left for the OM. He's a total waste of air!! If he had chosen they could have reconciled. He never discovered that.

My H has cheated & abused me. I know what it feels like. Now that time is passing I deeply regret that I didn't act with more strength when I first discovered the truth. My own weak actions destroyed my selfesteem more than my H's adultery! I'm haunted by my choices. Please follow the advise to be strong that you're receiving here.

I desperately wish that I had discovered forums like this earlier & followed advise when I did.


----------



## jsmart

MarriageEjected said:


> i just have to ask, I cant grasp it, what is it with cheaters that are discovered that they think they still can ask for anything at all?? that if they ask you for a chance that they might deserve one??? I mean that just kills me.....*both her and OM still had nerve to ask for me not to do certain things, wtf??*? i.e. who asked me anything about being ok with being shared with another person sexually?? I dont recall that being asked......I get people want to have sex or whatever, I get it...it happens, its nature....but god damn it keep me the F away from it.....dont include me in some sick 4some......unreal
> 
> I need you guys in here more than I ever needed anything from the internet, seriously, I have a special bond to this place now, forever (against my will but ok)


I get that Dr Feelgood was begging that you not expose. What was your wife asking for? The same thing? Meaning she's about protecting OM. Which points to this not being just a sex only PA for your WW. 

As for this PA only happening for past 2 weeks, that sounds like she's down playing how long it was going on. With her banging this guy and pursuing another guy at the same time, I'm thinking that she has probably had a few affairs over the years.


----------



## Nucking Futs

jsmart said:


> I'm thinking that she has probably had more than a few affairs over the years.


Fify.


----------



## Roselyn

Career woman here, 37 years married (first marriage for both of us), and have two brothers who are cheaters. Cheaters like your wife don't change. Don't bother with her parents, they will always support their children. They know who they are, but will continue to love them and blame you instead. 

Complete the divorce proceedings and start a new life. My cheated on sister-in-laws remained in their marriages. They are unpleasant, middle-aged women, and tortured in their marriages. You don't want a life like these two women. It's better for you to live simply than live in this type of environment. 

Seek the advice of your attorney and complete the whole process. Sincerely sorry that you are here, especially during the Holidays.


----------



## Wolfman1968

Report the therapist to the state licensing board.

Sex with patients, particularly in a profession that involves physical contact, will likely lead to his loss of licensure, if it can be proven.


----------



## Wolfman1968

Save any documentation you can about the physical therapist.

It's a clear violation of ethics. Look at this paper on profession conduct from the American Physical Therapy Association. In particular, look at page 6, principle 4E-- sexual exploitation of clients.

You could destroy the OM's career.

http://www.apta.org/uploadedFiles/APTAorg/Practice_and_Patient_Care/Ethics/GuideforProfessionalConduct.pdf


----------



## bandit.45

ShatteredStill said:


> My brother has 4 amazing kids that needed him. Regardless of the useless pile of s**t his wife made him feel like, he was a dearly loved wonderful man. Our lives will never be the same. I'm now an only child. My parents every memory of me is tied to him so my very existence makes them sad. We have all lost more than he could of ever imagined.
> 
> You are needed, loved & cherished by so many. Please don't let her selfish, cruel, vile actions break you!
> 
> My brothers POS wife would never of truly left for the OM. He's a total waste of air!! If he had chosen they could have reconciled. He never discovered that.
> 
> My H has cheated & abused me. I know what it feels like. Now that time is passing I deeply regret that I didn't act with more strength when I first discovered the truth. My own weak actions destroyed my selfesteem more than my H's adultery! I'm haunted by my choices. Please follow the advise to be strong that you're receiving here.
> 
> I desperately wish that I had discovered forums like this earlier & followed advise when I did.


I am so sorry about your brother. That is heartbreaking. If I may ask, what was his WW's reaction to his suicide?


----------



## straightshooter

RWB said:


> ME,
> 
> Banner Week?
> 
> 7 years ago I was sitting in your shoes. If anything I've learned about affairs... "There's always more."
> 
> Hold on, prepare for more to follow as you keep *"investigating" *the past. Personally, I caught my WW in a short EAPA with an old BF from college days. I suspected more. Investigating old email archives and phone records... turns out she had been Serial Cheating for years with multiple OM.
> 
> Probably the biggest lie in the cheater handbook... It was a one-time mistake, I've never done anything like this before... _"I swear."_ I even got the _"old hand on the Bible lie."_
> 
> My IC explained it like this... The Serial Cheater has a pretty weak hand. The only card they can play is to minimize the number of APs and the length and depth (Sex) that the affair entailed. No PUNs intended.


ME,

Forget all this crap about 15 years ago. This had nothing to do with that. So now on your thread you caught her setting up an affair and in one she was involved in. You said this latest was two weeks. How long was she in this therapy.?? 

You do not need any more information but I hope you read the above should you have any thoughts about reconciliation. Maybe i have it wrong but she walks into therapy office and almost instantly is banging the guy in the next office. my guess is she has done this before so if you are inclined to even discuss not divorcing her you better find yourself a polygraph examiner, and at least be prepared to find out more. not recommending you bother but just in case.

She was involved in one affair and was setting up another one. You really believe this were the only two instances now with what you know??? Had you not been proactive, she would probably be involved with two other men at the same time.

hang in there. Your attorney will tell you what reality will look like. Don't project unless you are an attorney.

And lastly, unless i am wrong, you are stating her parents are blaming you. Are you ****ting me??? I understand that they will eventually come down on her side but not even angry with their daughter??? These people are whackos


----------



## SeattleWill

Many years ago, before they were married, with someone who pursued him, one time occurance, did not lead to sex, he called it off.
Vs
Married, Long time EA with texts and late night calls and sexy pictures and planning to meet and f***. TODAY. No remorse. Did not voluntarily break it off.
Big difference.


----------



## SeattleWill

WonkyNinja said:


> I trust you are going to be the man and admit to your past infidelity and then you can move forward as a couple to reconcile in the knowledge that you are going to be honest with each other from this point forwards.
> 
> I mean you can't possibly intend to expose her while keeping your own skeleton safely in the closet, can you?


Pre-marriage kissing and groping one time that he ended vs wife having long term EA with sexy pics and a definitive plan to meet and f***. 

What OP did is not relevant to today.


----------



## Yeswecan

Old thread.....


----------



## SeattleWill

His wife has cheated and is still cheating during the marriage. He resisted an affair BEFORE he was married.


----------



## SeattleWill

Probably for the wife since OP was not unfaithful in his marriage.


----------



## SeattleWill

That is what he did. Before he was married. When he was an I married single man, he passed on f****** a topless beauty because he loved his future wife... Who cheated on him whilst married.


----------



## SeattleWill

dianaelaine59 said:


> Just a quick thought .... if I were your fiancé and I found out about that, I would've canceled the wedding. But yeah, that's just me.
> 
> Because he spurned the sister’s advances? Because he did the right thing before he said his marriage vows? Really not sure where you are coming from. Would you have preferred that he did f*** her sister?
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## Rubix Cubed

Zombie thread. 
The last response to this thread before yours was almost 2 years ago. Posting dates are above your username.


----------



## [email protected]

ME, see an attorney right now. As you collect all your info about the PA, start your 180. It often knocks the WW out of her fog. Know that you are in for a couple of years of distress, even if the does a turnaround. It might be better to start your D now.


----------



## farsidejunky

Zombie. Closed.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


----------

