# My wife is was sexually abused as a child.



## Harrymango (May 7, 2019)

I been together with my wife for 10 yrs. And I known she was sexually abused for nearly 7 years as a child to her teens, by a relative. There are times I want to be intimate with her and I feel shes not into it. There also times i touch her a certain way and she push my hand away. I feel rejected. She says she enjoys it, but I feel like she doesn't want to hurt me by telling me the truth. Should I just wait till she makes a move? It seems if I do that she'll never never make a move on me. Any methods I can try to make her comfortable while being intimate? Thank you in advance.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Has she had any IC?


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## Harrymango (May 7, 2019)

sokillme said:


> Has she had any is that therapy?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Harrymango said:


> I feel like she doesn't want to hurt me by telling me the truth.


What do you perceive to be the truth that she is hiding from you?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

" She says she enjoys it, but I feel like she doesn't want to hurt me by telling me the truth. Should I just wait till she makes a move? It seems if I do that she'll never never make a move on me. Any methods I can try to make her comfortable while being intimate? Thank you in advance."
TALK with your wife. I think she (if she hasn't) should go to counseling to help HER get through her feelings on it and help her get better, but YOU can also talk, with NO PRESSURE and NO accusations. Just get her started to talk through it, ask her if what you do triggers her in any way, ask if there are things YOU can do to help her when you touch her....


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## NorseViking (Apr 14, 2018)

Harrymango said:


> I been together with my wife for 10 yrs.
> And I known she was sexually abused for nearly 7 years
> as a child to her teens, by a relative.


FOO (Family Of Origin) issues can be a pain in the butt to deal with.
Child Sexual Abuse can come back as non boundaries to the other gender and cheating.
Even mental abuse during childhood is bad. 
It breaks kids and it shows up later in life as insecurities 
and low self esteem issues.
Cheaters are broken people like that.


Harrymango said:


> There are times I want to be intimate with her and I feel shes not into it.
> There also times i touch her a certain way and she push my hand away.
> I feel rejected.
> She says she enjoys it, but I feel like she doesn't want to hurt me by telling me the truth.
> ...


For a woman to feel the need for sex and desire:
- Safe and secure surroundings like a hubby she can trust and a private bedroom.
- If a woman is stressed, scared or nervous. 
That kills desire and sex drive in a woman.
- She needs reassurance, comfort, intimacy and a hubby who listens to her.
- Ask her to talk about, and just listen to her. 
Comfort her, encourage her and show support like hugs.
- Women has emotional needs, find them and address them in her.
- She might feel non attractive to you. 
Reassure her she does by give her intimacy like kisses and hugs.

On Amazon.com: Her needs, his needs is a good book.

This as far as I know helping.


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## Harrymango (May 7, 2019)

TJW said:


> Harrymango said:
> 
> 
> > I feel like she doesn't want to hurt me by telling me the truth.
> ...


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## Harrymango (May 7, 2019)

NorseViking said:


> Harrymango said:
> 
> 
> > I been together with my wife for 10 yrs.
> ...


Thank you, I'll look into that book.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Harrymango said:


> I been together with my wife for 10 yrs. And I known she was sexually abused for nearly 7 years as a child to her teens, by a relative. There are times I want to be intimate with her and I feel shes not into it. There also times i touch her a certain way and she push my hand away. I feel rejected. She says she enjoys it, but I feel like she doesn't want to hurt me by telling me the truth. Should I just wait till she makes a move? It seems if I do that she'll never never make a move on me. Any methods I can try to make her comfortable while being intimate? Thank you in advance.


Counseling for both of you! It's hard. But it IS doable. 10 years is a long time, and I don't sense resentment in you. That's a good thing. And pretty amazing! Good on you. If I am wrong, then resentment built over the years should also be dealt with. 

Good luck!


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## Harrymango (May 7, 2019)

jlg07 said:


> " She says she enjoys it, but I feel like she doesn't want to hurt me by telling me the truth. Should I just wait till she makes a move? It seems if I do that she'll never never make a move on me. Any methods I can try to make her comfortable while being intimate? Thank you in advance."
> TALK with your wife. I think she (if she hasn't) should go to counseling to help HER get through her feelings on it and help her get better, but YOU can also talk, with NO PRESSURE and NO accusations. Just get her started to talk through it, ask her if what you do triggers her in any way, ask if there are things YOU can do to help her when you touch her....


It's extremely hard for her to talk about it. The night she did, she bursted in tears I was so angry and helpless I cried with her. But I wanted to ask her other times if she wanted to talk about it. But she said no. She's only told me that when I touch her breast, it will trigger it. But it's okay during intimacy. But lately I feel like that awful experience has come back to her memories. She no longer wants to do any other position but missionary. Like she wants it to get it over with.


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## Harrymango (May 7, 2019)

NobodySpecial said:


> Harrymango said:
> 
> 
> > I been together with my wife for 10 yrs. And I known she was sexually abused for nearly 7 years as a child to her teens, by a relative. There are times I want to be intimate with her and I feel shes not into it. There also times i touch her a certain way and she push my hand away. I feel rejected. She says she enjoys it, but I feel like she doesn't want to hurt me by telling me the truth. Should I just wait till she makes a move? It seems if I do that she'll never never make a move on me. Any methods I can try to make her comfortable while being intimate? Thank you in advance.
> ...


I think I might have to find a good counsel. I love this woman, she is a great mom and a wife. But it kills me that she went through this. I never met anyone that had gone through it and I want to understand her, help her. But I just don't want to start an argument or anything like that.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

jlg07 said:


> " She says she enjoys it, but I feel like she doesn't want to hurt me by telling me the truth. Should I just wait till she makes a move? It seems if I do that she'll never never make a move on me. Any methods I can try to make her comfortable while being intimate? Thank you in advance."
> TALK with your wife. I think she (if she hasn't) should go to counseling to help HER get through her feelings on it and help her get better, but YOU can also talk, with NO PRESSURE and NO accusations. Just get her started to talk through it, ask her if what you do triggers her in any way, ask if there are things YOU can do to help her when you touch her....


This is good advice in the sense that talking is good. But how/what is less obvious which is why I think counseling together would be highly beneficial. Lots of people suggest counseling for her which is not a bad thing if SHE wants it. The risk of you bringing it up is the sense that she is broken and needs fixing. A direct request for "what" triggers her is not a great idea. You have no idea IF anything specific you do triggers her. Some of us are not triggered in that way but have guards that are much more subtle than that.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Harrymango said:


> I think I might have to find a good counsel. I love this woman, she is a great mom and a wife. But it kills me that she went through this. I never met anyone that had gone through it and I want to understand her, help her. But I just don't want to start an argument or anything like that.


I want to hug you! I applaud your not wanting to start an argument -- not because I think being a pleaser is a good thing -- but healing Will Not come from throwing down some kind of gauntlet. But in order to get to the end, you gotta go through, which can be very painful and require some derned difficult topics. Having a therapist which guides you both through this would be extremely helpful.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Norse, why are you taking this to a discussion about cheating and referencing one of the most extreme stories to be posted here?

The guy is looking for help for his wife, he is not worried about her having an affair or have any indication there is one. You are just filling his head with horror stories of worst case scenarios. Scenarios that we have 0 indication are actually happening.


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## Harrymango (May 7, 2019)

NobodySpecial said:


> jlg07 said:
> 
> 
> > " She says she enjoys it, but I feel like she doesn't want to hurt me by telling me the truth. Should I just wait till she makes a move? It seems if I do that she'll never never make a move on me. Any methods I can try to make her comfortable while being intimate? Thank you in advance."
> ...


Thank you


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Ok, so say, that sometimes CSA survivors cheat if you feel you must.

Twice now you have made it a focal point of your post. I fail to see how that is helpful.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Tasorundo said:


> Ok, so say, that sometimes CSA survivors cheat if you feel you must.
> 
> Twice now you have made it a focal point of your post. I fail to see how that is helpful.


Because it's NOT helpful.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

StillSearching said:


> REDACTED BY MODERATOR


Divorced and bitter about it.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Tasorundo said:


> Norse, why are you taking this to a discussion about cheating and referencing one of the most extreme stories to be posted here?
> 
> The guy is looking for help for his wife, he is not worried about her having an affair or have any indication there is one. You are just filling his head with horror stories of worst case scenarios. Scenarios that we have 0 indication are actually happening.


OP. Read this.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

You are probably quite right that your wife is not enjoying sex. The memories of being powerless and unable to stop the merciless abuse are being "triggered", and for her, they are quite painful emotionally.

You are a man with good insight and I believe you are the kind of man your wife will need by her side through a difficult therapy.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

StillSearching said:


> NorseViking said:
> 
> 
> > Really?
> ...


It was good knowing all of you...

Not sure I'd consider anyone who advises abandoning a wife an actual man.

Thank God MY husband IS a man.

Because I'm a molestation survivor.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Did the OPs wife cheat?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

personofinterest said:


> It was good knowing all of you...
> 
> Not sure I'd consider anyone who advises abandoning a wife an actual man.
> 
> ...


Molestation and rape. Broken. Utterly broken, I tell you. Glad my husband abandoned my worthless ass. Oh wait. He didn't.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

NorseViking said:


> Not yet...


How pathetic a person must be to dump their spouse because of cheating that has not happened and may never happen.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> This is stinkin thinkin.


Are you military?


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

Harrymango said:


> It's extremely hard for her to talk about it. The night she did, she bursted in tears* I was so angry and helpless I cried with her. *But I wanted to ask her other times if she wanted to talk about it. But she said no. She's only told me that when I touch her breast, it will trigger it. But it's okay during intimacy. But lately I feel like that awful experience has come back to her memories.* She no longer wants to do any other position but missionary*. Like she wants it to get it over with.


You did first highlighted then second highlighted took place.
Little bit of an oopsie there.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

NobodySpecial said:


> Are you military?


Not. I am immersed with military family and friends however.:wink2:


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## AandM (Jan 30, 2019)

StillSearching said:


> Even a cheater?
> I understand about you.....
> He would not be abandoning his wife.
> He does not who his wife is, to abandon.
> ...


I seem to have missed where the OP mentioned infidelity. Oh, wait...


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## Harrymango (May 7, 2019)

personofinterest said:


> Did the OPs wife cheat?


She had a emotional affair early this year. But she told me I was being distant and wasn't being to attentive to her. She felt like I didnt want her anymore.They only talked and sent pictures. She also said she did out of spite because i too had affair 3 years ago. But we talked it out.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Harrymango said:


> She had a emotional affair early this year. But she told me I was being distant and wasn't being to attentive to her. She felt like I didnt want her anymore.They only talked and sent pictures. She also said she did out of spite because i too had affair 3 years ago. But we talked it out.


Are there obstacles to marriage counseling? Unfortunately, these affairs added to the mix makes ... well quite a mix!


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

Harrymango said:


> She had a emotional affair early this year. But she told me I was being distant and wasn't being to attentive to her. She felt like I didnt want her anymore.They only talked and sent pictures. She also said she did out of spite because i too had affair 3 years ago. But we talked it out.


So she turned to someone else for validation instead of discussing it with you or did she and you ignored it?

Pay backs or spite only damages relationships.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

red oak said:


> So she turned to someone else for validation instead of discussing it with you or did she and you ignored it?
> 
> Pay backs or spite only damages relationships.


There seem to be layers of problems to unpack.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

AandM said:


> I seem to have missed where the OP mentioned infidelity. Oh, wait...


No ...you failed you read the quote that I was quoting.
No problem....happens a lot here.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

red oak said:


> So she turned to someone else for validation instead of discussing it with you or did she and you ignored it?
> 
> Pay backs or spite only damages relationships.


Wife is broken.
Husband is not a fixer, like he is convinced he is.


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## Harrymango (May 7, 2019)

red oak said:


> Harrymango said:
> 
> 
> > She had a emotional affair early this year. But she told me I was being distant and wasn't being to attentive to her. She felt like I didnt want her anymore.They only talked and sent pictures. She also said she did out of spite because i too had affair 3 years ago. But we talked it out.
> ...



She came to me and I ignored it. For the same reason why I'm here. I was angry because she wouldn't be intimate with me. But now I learned it gets deeper than that it just doesnt "go away" and I have to patient with her.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

StillSearching said:


> Wife is broken.
> Husband is not a fixer, like he is convinced he is.


Seems like he cheated first. Maybe he broke her and she was doing ok.

Either way, it seems now like this whole marriage is a **** show.


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## Harrymango (May 7, 2019)

StillSearching said:


> red oak said:
> 
> 
> > So she turned to someone else for validation instead of discussing it with you or did she and you ignored it?
> ...


I never said I wanted to fix it. It can't be fixed.
I just want to understand.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

Harrymango said:


> I never said I wanted to fix it. It can't be fixed.
> I just want to understand.


Well sir, sounds like you're looking for closure.

People don't always get it and while they're searching they are stuck limbo.

Yes there is an answer but how much more of your time do you want to devote to it if you hope to end the relationship anyway?


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## Harrymango (May 7, 2019)

red oak said:


> Harrymango said:
> 
> 
> > I never said I wanted to fix it. It can't be fixed.
> ...



As much as I can. I don't want to be like the rest of the men in here that easily quit and are angry about it. I'll be back to let you guys on the update. Thank you.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

NorseViking said:


> personofinterest said:
> 
> 
> > Did the OPs wife cheat?
> ...


You need professional help.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Harrymango said:


> red oak said:
> 
> 
> > Harrymango said:
> ...


You are better than at least a couple of the......males who have commented.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

personofinterest said:


> I. Haven't. Cheated.on. Him.
> 
> Being abused is not a guarantee of cheating.
> 
> You have serious issues. I doubt you are capable of helping the OP....or anyone.


Both my sisters and I were CSA survivors and I don't cheat. Can't speak for my sisters but I never heard anything.

I have seen a lot of women cheat and CSA was not a common factor at all.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Harrymango said:


> As much as I can. I don't want to be like the rest of the men in here that easily quit and are angry about it. I'll be back to let you guys on the update. Thank you.


Most of the men here that easily quit are quite happy because they have moved on and found someone more sexually compatible.

The angry ones tend to be those of us who stayed too long. We are terribly frustrated and resentful. We hate ourselves for staying so long as much as we hate out spouses for not being more sexually available. If you don't want to be like the ones who are angry and frustrated and resentful, then your best bet is to divorce sooner rather than later.

And FWIW, my wife was raped more than once and I am confident she has never cheated on me.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Holdingontoit said:


> Harrymango said:
> 
> 
> > As much as I can. I don't want to be like the rest of the men in here that easily quit and are angry about it. I'll be back to let you guys on the update. Thank you.
> ...


But see, hold, you don't hate women, assume we will all cheat, and generally spew toxic, angry crap everywhere you go.

These other posters do.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Your wife would benefit from seeing a therapist, and you and your wife would also benefit from seeing a sex/marriage therapist together. However, unless your wife is ready to open up about her past and allow someone to help her, it's unlikely to help much. That doesn't mean you shouldn't try, just be prepared. Have you talked to your wife about therapy or has she ever brought it up? If she isn't ready to go, you could start seeing a therapist and maybe she will decide to go with you or decide it's not too scary for her to go too. Don't sell it to her like she's needs to be fixed, she probably feels broken enough already. Fair warning, doing the work the therapist will give you is HARD, for both of you.

Have you asked your wife what parts of her body she wants you to touch? It may help if you can have a conversation about what she does and doesn't like. Don't let the conversation be all negatives. "I don't like when you _____, but I do like it when you ______" sounds better and gives you something to work with. Compared to "I don't like when you do this, this, this and that" and you're left wondering "what CAN I do?". Have you asked her if there are things that she would like you to do or do more? That could even be things that come before sex, such as more or longer cuddling, massages, etc. It's normal for her triggers to bother her sometimes, and at other times not bother her. They can depend heavily on the circumstances (my wife's certainly do).

How much time do you spend together, alone and focused on each other? If you are not spending enough time together it's unlikely that she feels comfortable and safe enough emotionally to open up to you emotionally and physically. If you haven't actually dealt with your affair, it's possible that is affecting her as well. Both of your affairs will have to be dealt with properly.

Good lord. Not everyone who is sexually abused as a child will cheat. My wife was sexually abused, and she cheated. That doesn't mean I'm going to think all (or even the majority of) CSA survivors cheat, nor should anyone else.


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## SongoftheSouth (Apr 22, 2014)

Harrymango take seriously any advice that bobert gives you. Most of this other stuff is pretty much background noise. He is in a unique and unfortunate position to give you advice on this. All the best


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

"Good lord. Not everyone who is sexually abused as a child will cheat. My wife was sexually abused, and she cheated. That doesn't mean I'm going to think all (or even the majority of) CSA survivors cheat, nor should anyone else."

Truth


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## SongoftheSouth (Apr 22, 2014)

I have rarely been a person that breaks up a good fight and even less so the voice of reason; however, some of you people with usual good advice seem to be arguing with each other rather than giving harrymango the benefit of your experience. Harry try and read boberts story this may help you and perhaps the two of you can talk privately. I have zero experience with what you are going through so I cannot offer any other advice. Good luck to you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Hearing that your wife was sexually abused by a relative is difficult because your immediate reaction is to leap to her defence and to protect her.

But you can't protect someone from a ghost from their past.


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## AandM (Jan 30, 2019)

StillSearching said:


> No ...you failed you read the quote that I was quoting.
> No problem....happens a lot here.


Where was it that you quoted the OP claiming his wife's infidelity, prior to my post, please? I'm an idiot; I can't see it.

All I see is you and another poster rah-rah'ing each other to burn the witch.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

AandM said:


> StillSearching said:
> 
> 
> > No ...you failed you read the quote that I was quoting.
> ...


Truth


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## Harrymango (May 7, 2019)

SongoftheSouth said:


> I have rarely been a person that breaks up a good fight and even less so the voice of reason; however, some of you people with usual good advice seem to be arguing with each other rather than giving harrymango the benefit of your experience. Harry try and read boberts story this may help you and perhaps the two of you can talk privately. I have zero experience with what you are going through so I cannot offer any other advice. Good luck to you.


Thank you


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## Harrymango (May 7, 2019)

bobert said:


> Your wife would benefit from seeing a therapist, and you and your wife would also benefit from seeing a sex/marriage therapist together. However, unless your wife is ready to open up about her past and allow someone to help her, it's unlikely to help much. That doesn't mean you shouldn't try, just be prepared. Have you talked to your wife about therapy or has she ever brought it up? If she isn't ready to go, you could start seeing a therapist and maybe she will decide to go with you or decide it's not too scary for her to go too. Don't sell it to her like she's needs to be fixed, she probably feels broken enough already. Fair warning, doing the work the therapist will give you is HARD, for both of you.
> 
> Have you asked your wife what parts of her body she wants you to touch? It may help if you can have a conversation about what she does and doesn't like. Don't let the conversation be all negatives. "I don't like when you _____, but I do like it when you ______" sounds better and gives you something to work with. Compared to "I don't like when you do this, this, this and that" and you're left wondering "what CAN I do?". Have you asked her if there are things that she would like you to do or do more? That could even be things that come before sex, such as more or longer cuddling, massages, etc. It's normal for her triggers to bother her sometimes, and at other times not bother her. They can depend heavily on the circumstances (my wife's certainly do).
> 
> ...


You gave some good points. Thank you. We did talk about the affair and we've agreed to dedicate the weekend for us.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Harrymango said:


> As much as I can. I don't want to be like the rest of the men in here that easily quit and are angry about it. I'll be back to let you guys on the update. Thank you.


One day at a time ma dude. You are doing fine.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

I am going to say something here that is going to be universally hated by CSA survivors and bitter dudes thinking that women just want excuses to get out of sex alike. But I have reason to think that this can be true.

CSA can be debilitating. But it can be healed. There is a perception that it is a life sentence of dysfunction. This is good news. 

Many, many times I have been told by people close to me that my sexuality is a dysfunctional result of the CSA and rape. Over time, my finally tuned crap detector could not ignore the fact that this was BS. I was really no longer any broken than anyone else. It finally pinged in my brain hard when my divorced brother told me this. I thought, yah you married the first woman who would have sex with you consistently. How did that work out for you? And you call ME dysfunctional. I talked to my therapist about it. She asked me if *I* felt dysfunctional. We took a little trip down my memory lane where long before both the abuse and the rape, I was always very sexual. We wound up with a good laugh, and she gave me her therapist permission not to feel dysfunctional. Not that I needed it.

My point is this. She is a survivor of CSA yes. But she is also in a marriage. And the CSA does not remove/negate or change the fact that sexuality in marriage is difficult all on its own. Approaching a CSA survivor as a broken vessel whose fixing will solve all the marital sexual issues won't work. Regardless of CSA, you both may have all or some of the standard yucks around marital sex; be it the Nice Guy desire squash or ... I don't know... whatever.

Do not think that some Big Solution to her brokenness is going to paste your marital sex back together. Be ready to face some uncomfortable truths about the two of you and your marriage.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

AandM said:


> Where was it that you quoted the OP claiming his wife's infidelity, prior to my post, please? I'm an idiot; I can't see it.
> 
> All I see is you and another poster rah-rah'ing each other to burn the witch.


No not at all. Don't burn the witch...run from the witches past before it burns your marriage to a cinder.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

StillSearching said:


> No not at all. Don't burn the witch...run from the witches past before it burns your marriage to a cinder.


That's really good advise, burn the marriage YOURSELF lest someone else do it for you! Not.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Holdingontoit said:


> Most of the men here that easily quit are quite happy because they have moved on and found someone more sexually compatible.
> 
> The angry ones tend to be those of us who stayed too long. We are terribly frustrated and resentful. We hate ourselves for staying so long as much as we hate out spouses for not being more sexually available. If you don't want to be like the ones who are angry and frustrated and resentful, then your best bet is to divorce sooner rather than later.
> 
> And FWIW, my wife was raped more than once and I am confident she has never cheated on me.


It is amazing to me how hard people will work and the mental lengths that they will go to hang on the fact that the other guy/gal was the problem. Your wife was not sexually available? Nope. You couldn't have had ANYYYTTTHING to do with the problem. You have no posting history whatsoever of blame escape and excuse making. Nope. Not you.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Holdingontoit said:


> I do hate women. But I hate myself more for desiring them.
> I don't assume all women will cheat. I do assume all women will find me unattractive and choose other men from the start. Leaves me in essentially the same place - no woman is going to want to stay faithful to me unless I offer a sexless relationship.
> I do spew toxic angry crap everywhere I go. Inside myself.


And outside as well, obviously. How do you feel letting your bitterness seep toxicity into the world around you? Is it is a good feels? Let's make sure everyone is as bitter as I am? Probably not.



> The other posters just let out what they feel. I keep it inside. Not deep inside. Just below the surface.


Not so much below the surface at all, ma dude.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

StillSearching said:


> Truth....but broken YES
> You have to admit, you can't possibly know how much damage has really happened to you.


OP: The notion that some deep dark awfulness lay in the heart every survivor has been discredited by study after study. I hope you don't allow a bunch of bitter people cause you to think your wife is just a broken non-person. It's just wrong. And not helpful.


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## AandM (Jan 30, 2019)

NobodySpecial said:


> OP: The notion that some deep dark awfulness lay in the heart every survivor has been discredited by study after study. I hope you don't allow a bunch of bitter people cause you to think your wife is just a broken non-person. It's just wrong. And not helpful.


How dare you challenge Dr. Drew with nothing more than reproducible results!


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Who isn't broken?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Tasorundo said:


> Who isn't broken?


CSA survivors all per @StillSearching.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

I mean, everyone is broken, not just CSA survivors.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Harrymango, unfortunately your thread has become a mud slinging contest among TAM posters, mostly female. People are entitled to their opinions, and some posters don't like to let others have opinions that are different than theirs, and they resort to personal insults. 
I've asked a mod to clean it up. However TAM standards have lowered when it comes to "non-technical rule breaking" and the mod on duty may leave it as is.

Your opening post gave the impression that you thought all your marital/sexual issues were due to your wife's sexual abuse.

Later you admitted that you had an affair, and then your wife had an EA. From what I gathered, they both happened before you even knew about her CSA.

I'm glad your wife has opened up to you, however IMO your marriage has other issues at play unrelated to her CSA, namely that both of you cheated. Cheating leaves a deep chasm of distrust if the root causes inside the person who cheated have not been dealt with. 

Both of you need IC (Individual Counseling) and after you've each worked on your issues, MC (Marriage Counseling) will benefit the marriage.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*MODERATION WARNING:*

Angry, pointless threadjacks and wild accusations and rude, insulting behaviour has already resulted in one ban.

And some other posters need to watch out for Thor's Hammer, too.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Araucaria said:


> Harrymango, unfortunately your thread has become a mud slinging contest among TAM posters, mostly female. People are entitled to their opinions, and some posters don't like to let others have opinions that are different than theirs, and they resort to personal insults.
> * I've asked a mod to clean it up. However TAM standards have lowered when it comes to "non-technical rule breaking" and the mod on duty may leave it as is.*
> 
> Your opening post gave the impression that you thought all your marital/sexual issues were due to your wife's sexual abuse.
> ...


*MODERATOR WARNING:-*

*Seriously? You have the nerve to imply that the entirely voluntary moderators on TAM are being derelict in their moderation?*

Despite what you seem to believe there are no duty moderators on TAM. Just unpaid people who are passionate about helping to ensure that TAM operates for the benefit of all members. I have taken time out from a very busy schedule this evening to deal with the shenanigans in this thread.

Also, voluntary moderators are not at your beck and call to deal with your personal beefs with other members.

Standards have not slipped.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

StillSearching said:


> I know exactly what kind of person I am.
> I don't need anyone's confirmation.
> I have suffered at the hands of an abused woman also.
> Let him read it....If he's an actual man, I mean.
> ...


I can tell the OP that whie he can be supportive and empathetic, and SHOULD, per his vows, only his wife can do the work needed to recover and move on.

I can tell the OP that CSA is NOT a life sentence - or it doesn't have to be. It does NOT mean a woman cannot be sexual and open with her husband.

I can tell the OP that trauma does not mean someone is morally damaged. His wife is a person with various experiences, and none of them doom her to become a 'ho or cheater or anything else.

I can tell the OP that he can have a vibrant and loving marriage in spite of his wife's past experience, but that SHE will need to want it as well.

I can encourage the OP that I admire his willingness NOT to toss 10 years of marriage away like so much rubbish just because he found out something unpleasant that might not be "easy."

I can, with full understanding and no remorse, tell the OP that a man who is worthy of respect will stand with a wife who is willing to do the work to heal, and a man who will NOT stand by his wife (I don't mean a cheating one) while she works to heal deserves no respect.


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## AandM (Jan 30, 2019)

personofinterest said:


> I can tell the OP that whie he can be supportive and empathetic, and SHOULD, per his vows, only his wife can do the work needed to recover and move on.
> 
> I can tell the OP that CSA is NOT a life sentence - or it doesn't have to be. It does NOT mean a woman cannot be sexual and open with her husband.
> 
> ...


Truth.


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## SongoftheSouth (Apr 22, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> *MODERATION WARNING:*
> 
> Angry, pointless threadjacks and wild accusations and rude, insulting behaviour has already resulted in one ban.
> 
> And some other posters need to watch out for Thor's Hammer, too.


Things were getting nasty yesterday. 100% agree with Matt. Some of you kids need to start playing nicer in the sandbox! For some reason this situation seemed to bring out the worst in some pretty good people. Go to detention and come back better. Well done moderator.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

SongoftheSouth said:


> MattMatt said:
> 
> 
> > *MODERATION WARNING:*
> ...


Hood thing you're so much better than us, right 😉


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

MrMango, you are a Secondary Survivor of CSA. Your wife is the victim, aka Survivor. You are in a no-win situation here. You cannot fix your wife. You are not, and can never be, her therapist in this. She must seek and do the hard work involved in serious trauma therapy. Ironically, though you want to be her biggest support, she may emotionally see you as a threat. This is common with CSA where the husband feels very unsafe to her, while others do not. This is one reason CSA is one of the highest correlations with infidelity. The infidelity issues in your marriage are separate from her CSA in terms of how/when you will have to deal with them.

Some CSA victims are able to recover, others not. It is a multiple year process once they dedicate themselves to it. The amount of trauma the victim experiences is not necessarily related to what we outsiders perceive as the intensity of the abuse events. You can educate yourself on the basics of the issues she is facing and the general recovery process, as well as what recovery means, but your w's individual situation is unique to her.

What I can tell you is, in general, a woman who exhibits sexual and/or emotional dysfunction in her marriage caused by CSA has deep problems which will not easily or quickly be overcome. The problems may never be overcome. Beware the false recovery, where she agrees to work on the marriage but avoids working on her CSA trauma.

I highly recommend the book "Haunted Marriage" by Clark Barshinger, which can be purchased from the author's website.

There is an unbridgeable gap between CSA victims and Secondaries when it comes to discussing how to deal with your kind of situation. I don't mean you and your wife, I mean on this kind of forum between unrelated people who are either victims or secondaries. It is unsafe as a Secondary to have frank conversations in the same space as CSA victims. You may want to seek out a real life support group or an online forum (there didn't used to be any good forums but maybe now there are).


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## Harrymango (May 7, 2019)

Thor said:


> MrMango, you are a Secondary Survivor of CSA. Your wife is the victim, aka Survivor. You are in a no-win situation here. You cannot fix your wife. You are not, and can never be, her therapist in this. She must seek and do the hard work involved in serious trauma therapy. Ironically, though you want to be her biggest support, she may emotionally see you as a threat. This is common with CSA where the husband feels very unsafe to her, while others do not. This is one reason CSA is one of the highest correlations with infidelity. The infidelity issues in your marriage are separate from her CSA in terms of how/when you will have to deal with them.
> 
> Some CSA victims are able to recover, others not. It is a multiple year process once they dedicate themselves to it. The amount of trauma the victim experiences is not necessarily related to what we outsiders perceive as the intensity of the abuse events. You can educate yourself on the basics of the issues she is facing and the general recovery process, as well as what recovery means, but your w's individual situation is unique to her.
> 
> ...


Thank you. I know for sure she's a happy wife but it's just the intimate part that we have problems with.


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## Harrymango (May 7, 2019)

personofinterest said:


> StillSearching said:
> 
> 
> > I know exactly what kind of person I am.
> ...


Thank you. I'm trying my best


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## Harrymango (May 7, 2019)

Araucaria said:


> Harrymango, unfortunately your thread has become a mud slinging contest among TAM posters, mostly female. People are entitled to their opinions, and some posters don't like to let others have opinions that are different than theirs, and they resort to personal insults.
> I've asked a mod to clean it up. However TAM standards have lowered when it comes to "non-technical rule breaking" and the mod on duty may leave it as is.
> 
> Your opening post gave the impression that you thought all your marital/sexual issues were due to your wife's sexual abuse.
> ...



I knew about her abuse before I cheated, she would tell me how he would treat her and I had asked if he touched her. She would stay quiet. But I did not know it got deeper than that. I thought she would " get over it" it wasn't till two years ago she told me everything. It even happened as we were getting to know each other! but what I didn't know it would effect her till this day. I didnt realize how it effect our marriage when being intmate. Dont get me wrong. I am certain she is a happy wife. But it's just that one thing that made me feel rejected and unwanted.

The last few months of last year I became distant from her cause of that. But i didnt understand. I didn't show support. I was worrying about sex than how she felt. That's why she did what she did. Lack of communication. This is why im here. I wanted to talk to someone because I have no one to talk to. I just want to learn more on how I can be more supportive and be a better husband.


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## Harrymango (May 7, 2019)

NobodySpecial said:


> Harrymango said:
> 
> 
> > As much as I can. I don't want to be like the rest of the men in here that easily quit and are angry about it. I'll be back to let you guys on the update. Thank you.
> ...


Thank you


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Harrymango said:


> I knew about her abuse before I cheated, she would tell me how he would treat her and I had asked if he touched her. She would stay quiet. But I did not know it got deeper than that. I thought she would " get over it" it wasn't till two years ago she told me everything. It even happened as we were getting to know each other! but what I didn't know it would effect her till this day. I didnt realize how it effect our marriage when being intmate. Dont get me wrong. I am certain she is a happy wife. But it's just that one thing that made me feel rejected and unwanted.
> 
> The last few months of last year I became distant from her cause of that. But i didnt understand. I didn't show support. I was worrying about sex than how she felt. That's why she did what she did. Lack of communication. This is why im here. I wanted to talk to someone because I have no one to talk to. I just want to learn more on how I can be more supportive and be a better husband.



Ok, some hard truths here for you.

Until and unless she seeks good qualified trauma therapy, nothing will get better. It will probably get worse. About all you can do is say to her *one time only* that you support her and perhaps therapy would help her feel better. That's it in terms of actively helping her until she invites you into her therapy program. At some point if she is in good therapy, her therapist may want to have you sit in once in a while to give you some do's and don'ts specifically tailored to where your wife is at.

What you can do is protect yourself and provide a framework whereby your wife may see that she indeed needs to seek therapy. And this is where I am going to get flamed by CSA victims, but so be it. Someone who has residual damage from CSA probably has no idea in what ways they are damaged, nor do they understand how their behavior is damaging the marriage or their spouse. It sounds like your wife's abuse was extensive, and it sounds like she has some deep resulting psychological issues. You are called a Secondary Survivor of Childhood Sexual Abuse for the reason that you, too, are being damaged by the abuse. To be clear, it is the abuser's actions which are now harming you via your wife's unintentional actions. I am not calling your wife evil! But you have been emotionally beaten up (call it abused even) over the years due to what was done to her, to the point you felt so unloved you sought out an affair.

CSA victims can believe they are at fault for the abuse because they are dirty or unloveable. This goes back to not only the abuser but the reactions or lack of reaction of others. e.g. a parent who does not believe the victim when the child comes forth, or the person who tells the child to stfu because everybody will think they are dirty. The deepest fear of the CSA victim can be that you'll discover they really are dirty and unloveable.

Because she learned about sexuality in a dysfunctional way, and starting at an age when she had no perspective to understand it, her view of sexuality is very different than yours. Her view of marriage, love, or male sexuality may be very distorted. And, if the perpetrator was a trusted adult male then you may have subconsciously become dangerous to her when you got married. It is very common to have a seemingly good sex life prior to marriage but then it goes bad.

You cannot Nice her into recovery. You cannot wait it out. She has to see a need to face her trauma, and then she has to do the hard work. She is no different than someone who suffers a badly broken leg in an attack not of her fault at all. Now she has damage which needs qualified professional help to heal. Even when treatment is complete there may be some residual issues. You can learn to deal with it if she has an occasional limp. But if she refused to get any help and ended up badly debilitated, it would be her choice. However, if you catered to her and never did anything to inform her that this damage was unacceptable to you, she would have no motivation to undergo painful medical treatment. Also, you would have no right to complain about how her limitations were harming the marriage.

She may well seem like a happy wife. She is getting what she wants, and not being pressured into sex. Sex can indeed be a traumatic experience for her, so as long as there is no sex happening then everything else can be quite perfect in the marriage from her standpoint. And she may have ZERO understanding that it isn't ok for you. She may see your sexuality as being bad, scary, brutish, or simply a biological function.

You can set boundaries and expectations. Boundaries can include not accepting bad behavior. If she has episodes of rage or if she belittles your sexuality, set the boundary. Expectations can include her accepting that if the marriage is not ok for you then the marriage is not ok. MC is a valid expectation, but it must include her active participation. Expectations can include a timeline towards a normal marital sex life. You may have to make her uncomfortable in order for her to feel a need to seek some solution. MC can be a springboard towards her seeking IC.

As long as divorce is not an option for you, you have zero actual leverage to change anything.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Haven't read entire thread yet, but may want wife to read this - https://forgivenwife.com/unbearable-lessons/

ask her to go to counseling as well.


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