# Wife says she cannot trust me and does not love me



## BigBear (Jun 21, 2013)

To cut a major long story short.

I've been with my wife now for 14 yrs, 3 yrs married.
Were both 32 i am 18 days older.
We have had some hard time in the past and have always pulled through them but.....
2 yrs ago i did something regrettable in my life and saw another women. nothing sexual came from this and it lasted a few months.
At the time my wife was comforting her Grandfather who was slowing passing away at the time. I still to this day do not know why i ever did this.
For the past 3 weeks since my wife got her IPhone, she has slowly gone away from me....admitted to me that it has overtaken her life and has become part of her.
Yesterday after a heated argument she admitted to me that she did not love me anymore.
More to the reason was she couldn't trust me. After 2 yrs of trying or said she tried, she could not give a reason as to why she gave this answer.
I admit i had suspicions that something was going on or more that someone else was involved but i am wrong. we have 4 Great children and busy lives, so this could not happen, but it didn't stop me spying. bad mistake and i have stopped as i don't want to cause her anymore pain.
She said to me i was in her face....crowding her to much and she needed her space to breathe.
I accept this and gladly stood back but i cannot help feeling so sick and bad about myself as this IS all my fault really.
It doesn't really help that again from 2 yrs on at this same period in time her dad is seriously ill and may not make it through this weekend, so again, emotions are extremely high and she must feel awful!
I want to be with my wife, i deeply love my wife but feel so lost and torn and not a clue where to go.

We have mutually agreed on some things though, i don't know if its good or bad though.
In 3 weeks we are due to go away for a family holiday for 5 days, kids have been looking forward to this for months and we will still be going.
I myself am an Army Cadet Force Instructor and i'm due to go away(working) 1 week after our family holiday.
Currently she is staying with her family visiting her father in hospital, and also gaining her time on her own, but i cannot help feeling sad, tearful and constant pain and fear. I had to pull over after dropping her off because i burst into tears!
Also because of the planned events, and the horrible fact, we cannot afford to live without each other right now is also hurting us.
Emotionally i'm drained and so is my wife, do i give her time? She hasn't even removed her wedding ring but she will not come near me. 
Neither of us are eating or sleeping well, i cannot sleep without being with my wife, i become like an insomniac.
(happens on weekends i'm away with ACF)

She knows i love her, but she doesn't want to believe me though, I think it hurt when i broke down in front of her as i don't think she was expecting it.

Overall, there's no talk about Divorce right now, which fears me the most, but i want to win her back and understand time is key. but if she say's "I've tried for 2 yrs and i just cannot do it" what does that mean? I've tried and i feel i have failed her and everyone else around me for the last 2 yrs.

I am sorry if parts don't make sense, i'm in floods of tears while writing this as i cannot control my emotions right now and i don't even know how to stop them.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

I guess rebuilding that trust is gonna start with your willingness to be open. Give her your passwords on everything. Be supportive of her with the difficult time with her dad (but not pressing). These are chances that you have to give it a head start.

If you know what your doing wrong, then fix it. If you've failed the last 2 years with everyone around you, rebuild those bridges. It sounds like, at least for now, you have chances to turn this around so you better get busy while the chances are at least there.


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## BigBear (Jun 21, 2013)

Building bridges for ones i have not demolished is hard....most have walked away since my error and haven't looked back. I always leave anything i do open, have done for 2 years....i have nothing to hide from her. I hope there's a glimmer there i really do. but i don't want to be a slave anymore, i did everything she asked of me and some to make it 2 yrs down the line and yet....she is the one that cannot change it.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Did you go to marriage counseling, maybe she doesn't have the tools or know how to get past the issue. A neutral 3rd party perspective could help. At this point it certainly cant hurt.

You two obviously cant do it alone, its gonna take some kind of intervention. I know for my wife and I, it took 4 counselors before we found one that worked for us, so don't take the process lightly.


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## BigBear (Jun 21, 2013)

Thumper said:


> Did you go to marriage counseling, maybe she doesn't have the tools or know how to get past the issue. A neutral 3rd party perspective could help. At this point it certainly cant hurt.
> 
> You two obviously cant do it alone, its gonna take some kind of intervention. I know for my wife and I, it took 4 counselors before we found one that worked for us, so don't take the process lightly.


she said she doesn't want counselling. I think we do, but i don't think that would work and if she isn't willing to help herself find the issues to resolve it, would it still work?


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Well I know my wife didn't want to go, and if she went she wasn't gonna say anything. Funny thing happened thou, she talked the whole time, and it was me who hardly got a word in. You just never know, but if you decide to go, I recommend a woman therapist, some women tend to feel they'll get ganged up on if its a man, and a male spouse.


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## BigBear (Jun 21, 2013)

Thumper said:


> Well I know my wife didn't want to go, and if she went she wasn't gonna say anything. Funny thing happened thou, she talked the whole time, and it was me who hardly got a word in. You just never know, but if you decide to go, I recommend a woman therapist, some women tend to feel they'll get ganged up on if its a man, and a male spouse.


ty, i've spoken to her on the phone this evening, and its been amicable...considering she is visiting her dad. I want to spend time with her but don't know whats best....wonder if its wise to say were going out for a walk in the woods with the kids....spend some actual quality time with her....see what happens or is this not a good idea?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I find it interesting that you lament that she can't tell you why she doesn't love or trust.you but you can't tell her why you got involved with someone else. So apparently she's supposed to have answers but you don't have to. The thing is that its very important you answer that question, because it might give you an idea about what's going on in your marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Its gonna be trial and error, ask her to do something, see how it goes, if not, take the kids for a walk, and ask if she'd like to go with you all, but don't do those two back to back, so its not so forced like.


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## BigBear (Jun 21, 2013)

OK ill give it a go this weekend, see what happens. I do have a few weeks and we are still supposed to be going away as a family...maybe this will help us too...


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## RSFWID (Jun 5, 2013)

BigBear said:


> To cut a major long story short.
> 
> I've been with my wife now for 14 yrs, 3 yrs married.
> Were both 32 i am 18 days older.
> ...


I feel your pain but I think you have to give it time. Do not pressure her because you will push her father away. You made a mistake it happens but right now she is full of emotion and you can't get through to her when she is feeling like this.focus on you right now and deal with your emotions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BigBear (Jun 21, 2013)

this is what im trying to do....giving her space, time not overcrowding her. tomoz is a new day, maybe things will be cleaner so to speak.


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## OnlyTime (Jun 22, 2013)

Her not being financially able to live without you and vice versa is the last glimmering hope you have of staying in a loveless marriage...Once a woman decides she can make it financially on her own and is no longer interested in staying married, she will move on physically...I know 1st hand as this happened to me when her mother became ill..It triggers a different emotional level for them and they see a bigger picture about themselves..Good luck.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I would drop everything and be at her side right now. That's when you need your spouse, that's when you show your love.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

I would be there for her too. Let her know that regardless of her decision, you still love her and know this is a difficult time she should not go through alone. Also let her know you love her dad too.


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## OnlyTime (Jun 22, 2013)

By the time a spouse tells you they don't love you anymore, you have to realize they came to that decision long before getting the courage to utter those words.


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## BigBear (Jun 21, 2013)

i cannot be with her as i have my kids at home, there is no way around this bit.
That is what scares me the most, she says she does not love me but still wears her ring...will find out later if she still has it on. And yes i have thought of that part, to make the decision of she does not love me must have been there prior. I also understand that once everything finds its feet we move on-wards.
This weekend i intend to try and test the water, see if there's anything left. We are still going on holiday in 3 weeks, so least i can try till then, if there's no Sign or the glimmer has gone then i will have to accept the choice..as hard as it maybe for me. At least then family issues have calmed down and there can be some normality to work around.


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## BigBear (Jun 21, 2013)

Hmmmm rather confusing today. She has come home and is still wearing her wedding ring. She has past comment she still doesnt love me but is confusing the hell out of me now. Will give it a shot.over the next 24hrs see what happens.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> I find it interesting that you lament that she can't tell you why she doesn't love or trust.you but you can't tell her why you got involved with someone else. So apparently she's supposed to have answers but you don't have to. The thing is that its very important you answer that question, because it might give you an idea about what's going on in your marriage.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This comment seems to have gotten lost, but I think it is extremely important. If you don't know why you cheated and can't tell her why you did it, how can she ever begin to trust that it won't happen again? It would require blind trust, which she clearly couldn't and shouldn't have.

When people reconcile successfully, they usually say that it was necessary for the WS to dig deep and try to understand the 'why' of it. This was very important for the BS to begin to trust again.


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## BigBear (Jun 21, 2013)

we both agree we don't know why.....we had a lengthy chat late last night trying to figure out what is going to happen.
Seem she maybe a little confuses and with the looming prospect of her father not well at all for the past 6 months kinda triggered it all. we have pointed out both our rights and wrongs. We did agree that why the past happened cannot be explained...so we are both in the wrong...she admitted she didn't talk about things....which is a first.
But then this morning. I cannot sleep without being in the same room as my wife...i'm still trying to figure this out. But her brother called this morning. No one knows of our problem yet, so she agree that we...all 6 of us go away with them over the summer holidays for a break after we come back from our own.
After the call i immediately said...don't worry about me you go enjoy it, think you will need it. then i got no we all going and don't start this again...start what? your confusing me....expecting me to drop my love for her straight away....its so hard not to even look at her or walk past her without hugging and kissing etc...she knows this but still expects me to stop!
She even moaned this morning that she "wouldn't get a service anymore" i promptly said...and you want me to do what? you made this decision not me. 

I'm confused but i think she is confused to, with all the family emotions running high and now this....
her ring still stays on too? is this normal?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

BigBear said:


> we both agree we don't know why.....we had a lengthy chat late last night trying to figure out what is going to happen.
> Seem she maybe a little confuses and with the looming prospect of her father not well at all for the past 6 months kinda triggered it all. we have pointed out both our rights and wrongs. We did agree that why the past happened cannot be explained...so we are both in the wrong...she admitted she didn't talk about things....which is a first.
> But then this morning. I cannot sleep without being in the same room as my wife...i'm still trying to figure this out. But her brother called this morning. No one knows of our problem yet, so she agree that we...all 6 of us go away with them over the summer holidays for a break after we come back from our own.
> After the call i immediately said...don't worry about me you go enjoy it, think you will need it. then i got no we all going and don't start this again...start what? your confusing me....expecting me to drop my love for her straight away....its so hard not to even look at her or walk past her without hugging and kissing etc...she knows this but still expects me to stop!
> ...


Have you read many of the other threads here?


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## BigBear (Jun 21, 2013)

everything is still odd.
She still wears her ring for 1.
We still share the same bed.
We still do things daily as a normal couple...minus the closeness.
Ok i'm trying to win her back with simple ideas, non seem to work but...they are getting through.
I came in last night with a rose in my hand and a bunch behind my back..knelt on one knee and recited a poem to her....didn't get either response. rather just her going off and not coming down for over 2hrs...when i found her she was head in arms on the bed face down....not normal.
She is still adamant that i will not change her mind but i feel she maybe confused somewhat in what she wants.

her reply to things is simple, "Just do what you want".
What kind of an answer is this?
I am confused in what she is feeling right now, and believe that space is just what she needs with everything that's going on.
She is still planning or going along with family ideas and the holiday, but still expects me to move out. We have chatted over the last few days about costs and what will happen, but again she seems to think she will land a job that will pay the way for her and i will be able to get housing with money that's non exsistant in less than 2 months..But still she won't kick me out, as she says its not fair on me or the kids...

I am ever so confused right now and really just thinking of playing the game for now....go along with it, no sarky comments or anything and see what happens.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Honestly, your talking to much. The key to this right now is LISTENING. Listen and validate her responses. At times she needs to talk or say something, she doesn't need you to answer, just let her vent. If your truly listening, she's telling you what you need to do. Be supportive.

You need to give her some time and space as she's feeling disrespected by what you did in the past. Theres nothing you can do to "fix" it right now, you can only make things worse by not being there for her again. Let her deal with it in her own way, but be willing to go the extra mile when she does ask something of you.

Do NOT put a time limit on this, don't get discouraged when she/you/both have a bad day. Do not ask her if her feelings have changed to not ask her what she wants. let her come to you. You might think winning her back is the right thing to do, but what your doing it putting too much pressure on her to come to a conclusion right now, so you feel better, not her. Only time will allow her to deal with it.

Let go of the fears you have for now. The ring is on, your still in your bed, theres 100's of people here that would kill to be in your shoes right now. TAKE IT EASY, take it slow, don't ask questions, let her open up in her own time, and be supportive of what she says, even when it hurts to hear. She's not even telling you everything she feels right now, cause theres no trust built. Its gonna take time, a LOT of time. This isn't a sprint its a marathon.


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## BigBear (Jun 21, 2013)

ty for putting it that perspective...it makes sense and yes i do need to sit back and follow her. if she asks i will reply or respond accordingly. i agree time is the key..maybe she will change her views who knows..only she does. i will keep posting as time goes by..showing what happens as i go.


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## BigBear (Jun 21, 2013)

I got my Answer......Friends with benefits. This is how she's felt for a few months and not bothered to tell me


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## BigBear (Jun 21, 2013)

This does make my life a little easier knowing how she truly feels. Although i'm bound to this house for few months saving money trying to find a new home it will also give us a chance to find a friendship between us which will hopefully last longer than our marriage.
It will also give us a chance to find our feet and fix past problems, it may also build a trust relationship as mutual friends.

For now i look upwards and forward. With my holiday in a few weeks i can only hope that we don't go sour in the quest for happiness with our kids.

I never know...after some time apart maybe things will work out...who knows.

ty all for listening and your comments i really appreciate your views as its opened my eyes to see what a women actually wants and needs in her life.
I am a changing man...slowly mind lol


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## LivingAgain (Jun 12, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> I find it interesting that you lament that she can't tell you why she doesn't love or trust.you but you can't tell her why you got involved with someone else. So apparently she's supposed to have answers but you don't have to. The thing is that its very important you answer that question, because it might give you an idea about what's going on in your marriage.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:


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