# An Evil Friend



## HouseHusband (May 11, 2011)

Hi there. I'm new to the forum, and I'm still too wet-behind-the-ears to be comfortable with the abbreviations used here, so I'm hoping you'll bear with me and let me just write things out the long way.

I recently found out that my wife had been having an emotional affair for a bit more than two years. We just celebrated our fifteenth anniversary, and are approaching our twentieth anniversary for having begun living in sin (the time spent dating and living together before we got hitched).

I was, and continue to be, devastated. She has cut off all contact with the man she cheated with, although she hasn't sent (nor have I asked her to send) the no contact letter. I'm not sure how I feel about the no contact letter because her relationship with him was very one-sided. In other words, she pined for him and obsessed over him, but he seemed only marginally interested in her. (Which, of course, hurts like hell -- what does it say about me that she'd have an affair with a man who didn't even love her as I do?)

I believe her when she says she will never talk to or contact him again, but one concern I have is the friend she talked to about him. Out of all of her friends and our shared friends, only one knew about the affair. In fact, it was an e-mail from my wife to that friend that revealed everything to me. Not an e-mail or anything else between my wife and the man. There was very little direct contact between my wife and the man in question (maybe I'll just call him "scum" for short). I would like to believe that was because he simply didn't contact her much. I suppose I have to be realistic, and accept that it could be due to that contact being much more racy, or revealing, or whatever -- and that perhaps some instinct led her to delete his e-mails whenever she got them. I have no idea, and already feel like I've over-analyzed all of this.

So what I had, instead, was a goodly number of e-mails between my wife and her friend. E-mails where my wife went on and on about how she walked on sunshine when scum decided to talk to her on the phone, or via e-mail, or whatever. And my wife's friend encouraging her, and giving her advice on how to work things out with her "boyfriend" (the term they both used for scum). Not once did her friend point out how dangerous this all was. No mention of the fact that her "boyfriend" could destroy her marriage. No word about how much this would hurt me if I ever found out. Nothing about it being wrong for a married woman with children and a devoted (yet interesting -- it's not like I'm some fluffy pushover dully floating about the house, doting on her mindlessly) husband to profess love for another, and talk about him like he's the only man in the world.

So here is where I need advice: Is it reasonable for me to demand she cut this friend out of her life, as well as scum? This friend isn't really a mutual friend -- I've met her a few times, but not that often. Maybe that was intentional on the part of my wife, I really don't know. I also don't know how much contact, if any, my wife has had with this friend since I uncovered the affair.

I'm hurt, my world has been turned upside-down, and I'm bitterly aware that no matter how badly she has hurt me, I love my wife more than words can say... More, even, then I can really understand. She has always felt like an extension of myself, like she fills in the parts I'm no good at, and I do the same for her. She says she loves me just as much as ever, and that the whole thing was some twisted response to a horrific time in our life (the affair started shortly after our house was crushed by a tree during a hurricane, and we had to move into an apartment for much of a year while it was rebuilt).

I want to believe, and I want to rebuild my trust in her, so I've accepted, for now, her claim that this was a unique disaster in our relationship brought on by a natural disaster unlikely to repeat.

Still, the idea of her continuing to call this woman "friend" who not only did nothing to protect our marriage, but actively encouraged and advised its subversion... It enrages and disgusts me.

Do I have any right to demand an end to that friendship?


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## WhiteRabbit (May 11, 2011)

First I'm really sorry this has happened to you. 

Second, I hate to say it but I don't think you have the right to expect a friend of your wife's who isn't a mutual friend to be in charge of being your wife's moral compass. It isn't/wasn't the friends job to preach to your wife about how wrong she was for doing this. I DO NOT agree with how the friend handled this AT ALL and I think she's 100% in the WRONG. but she was just being there for your wife which is what friends do. She might be very toxic as she could be miserable in her own life and want everyone else to be miserable as well but maybe you should contact her to talk? Maybe she knows things about your wife's motives for the EA that you don't know? Keep your enemies close. You can't insist that your wife cut contact with this woman but you can insist on make sure this woman gets to know you so maybe she can give better advice to your wife and have a greater appreciation for your role as a good husband to your wife. Right now she just sees you in whatever color your wife has painted you with...give her a chance to really know who you are and give her a chance to see how good you are to your wife...i bet she'll change the tune of her crappy advice after that.


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## HouseHusband (May 11, 2011)

I'll have to mull it over, WhiteRabbit -- as much as I hate to admit it, I don't know that I'm big enough, or strong enough, or whatever trait it is I need to be able to talk to her... Every time I think of that friend, my blood just boils. I'm sure that's unfair, and that I'm simply transferring anger I should feel toward my wife onto the woman who is, to me, just an acquaintance.

My instinct to want to cut off that friend was from thinking of the affair as a drug or an addiction -- and as that friend seemed to be someone enabling the addiction, I thought contact with the friend might help contribute to my wife's inclination to cheat.

I should also add that when I looked through my wife's e-mail (after seeing that first one that started all this) my wife and this friend didn't talk about anything other than her "boyfriend", and other similar things. Almost as if my wife reserved this friend purely for that purpose. (There were some e-mails not about him, but they were business e-mails. Almost all of my wife's friends are also business clients, which also makes this difficult.)

I'll start working on finding a way to view the friend as a non-villain, if that's what I've got to do. Thank you for the advice, WhiteRabbit -- or do you have a nickname here on the boards? WR, or something similar?


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## WhiteRabbit (May 11, 2011)

nope, i'm a newbie so I haven't been given a nickname yet

I tend to agree with you about having the urge to cut out the toxic friend. I'd want to do the same if I were you. Heck I'm the girl who wants my husband to fire his assistant right now!

The friend didn't handle the situation the way she should have but then again your wife probably put her in an awkward spot by discussing this "boyfriend" with her in such great detail. The typical female reaction is to support your friend no matter what and some females just love the drama of an affair happening in front of them. 

Maybe if you can get past this hurdle and get to know her, you might find she was just a not so bright person that got put into the middle of your wife's dramatic affair and didn't know how to respond properly.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

First, your wife has a toxic friend that is not a friend to the marriage. This toxic friend enabled her affair and possibly helped facilitate it. If this friendship continues, this toxic friend would most likely encourage your wife to have another affair. Remember, she is your wife's toxic friend. She is not your friend, nor is she a friend of the marriage, no matter how much you get to know her.

You have the right to say that NC applies to her toxic friend as well. Enemies of the marriage have no place in it.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

I suggest you do two things : call the friend let her know you have hard copies of her encouraging and supporting your wife in her adultry and that she is no long welcome as a friend, you will be advising all your friends of her doings. Next , your wife cuts off all contact with the friend, she is not an asset to your relationship , if your wife declines pull a hard line on her, it is the marriage or her friend.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HouseHusband (May 11, 2011)

So, this infidelity & its aftermath stuff is a bit of a drag, isn't it?

Sheesh. Well, I'll talk to the wife about it tonight, and maybe we can come to a consensus. Could be she can show some other side of her friend that isn't so toxic -- or it could be she'll acknowledge the problem and go along with my request without kicking & screaming.

My approach to all of this has been to be loving but firm, if that makes any sense. It's been very, very difficult, but I *think* I'm making progress and moving in the right direction. It helps that she is 100% dedicated to fixing the marriage as well. When I read some of the stories on here of folks whose cheating spouse reacts to being caught by getting mad at the faithful spouse, I feel awful and relieved. 

I can't begin to imagine how hard that must be, given how hard it's been even though my wife has taken responsibility for her actions and accepted my lead in talking this all out and figuring out what we'll do.

I really appreciate the help, all of you.


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## behappy1 (May 9, 2011)

She needs to cut the relationship with that friend period. Yes, call the friend and let her know you are aware of the the situation. The friend is indeed scum and I'm sure she is either a cheater or a cheated on herself. I think of the phrase "misery loves company" here and she's miserable and wants to have your wife be miserable too.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> I suggest you do two things : call the friend let her know you have hard copies of her encouraging and supporting your wife in her adultry and that she is no long welcome as a friend, you will be advising all your friends of her doings. Next , your wife cuts off all contact with the friend, she is not an asset to your relationship , if your wife declines pull a hard line on her, it is the marriage or her friend.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree with this 100% This "friend" is not a friend of your marrige and she is a flat out enemy to you. I would go so far as to tell the "friends" significant other to be carful because she she condones cheating.


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## Twistedheart (May 17, 2010)

This "friend" is what I like to call "the other crowd." Anyone involved in that crowd, inwhich they damn well knew my wife was having an affair, is done. I told my wife, it was "me" or "them." Period. 

Like was mentioned above, they are "enablers" and are gutless sheep with no backbone or morals that allowed this sort of thing to happen with little or no concern. In no way shape or form would I put up with a friend of mine having an affair on his/her LS and not say a word or just "mind my own business." I do not condone that behavior and do not wish to be around it.

If your wife was a recovering alcoholic and her friend "enabled" her to drink when she visited her home, would that be ok? Not in my book. Maybe a poor analogy but it makes sense in my mind.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

lordmayhem said:


> First, your wife has a toxic friend that is not a friend to the marriage. This toxic friend enabled her affair and possibly helped facilitate it. If this friendship continues, this toxic friend would most likely encourage your wife to have another affair. Remember, she is your wife's toxic friend. She is not your friend, nor is she a friend of the marriage, no matter how much you get to know her.
> 
> You have the right to say that NC applies to her toxic friend as well. Enemies of the marriage have no place in it.





Eli-Zor said:


> I suggest you do two things : call the friend let her know you have hard copies of her encouraging and supporting your wife in her adultry and that she is no long welcome as a friend, you will be advising all your friends of her doings. Next , your wife cuts off all contact with the friend, she is not an asset to your relationship , if your wife declines pull a hard line on her, it is the marriage or her friend.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





behappy1 said:


> She needs to cut the relationship with that friend period. Yes, call the friend and let her know you are aware of the the situation. The friend is indeed scum and I'm sure she is either a cheater or a cheated on herself. I think of the phrase "misery loves company" here and she's miserable and wants to have your wife be miserable too.


Listen clearly to all of these replies.

In infidelity situations it a a battle you are in. Do not discount that, this is no time to play nice. This toxic friend has some degree of influence over your wifes thoughts and feelings. She has chosen to be an active participant against your marriage. It is inconsequential what her intentions were. Her actions were clear and malicous. She is to be viewed as a direct threat to your marriage and your family. 

Don't take this situation lightly becuase you may have been fortuneate _this time _ and the OM didn't _seem to _reciprocate the aggression your wife pursued this affair with.

This is as serious as cancer. These situations can very easily  and very quickly destroy you and your entire family. As you have descriibed it it sounds like the OM was not into your W "that deeply". I want you to picture for a second what it may have been like if he was. What if he was? The actions of this toxic friend may have EASILY contributed to taking your entire life/marriage/family to a point of no return. 

*REPEAT: SHE IS A DIRECT THREAT TO YOUR MARRIAGE. REMOVE WITH EXTREME PREGIDOUS AND WITHOUT APOLOGY.*


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

I feel your situation.. in my situation the OW was my Husbands Sisters Best Friend.. and my sister in law let the affair happen in her home. When I found out, I made him stop all contact with his sister. I blocked her phone number from making calls or texts to his phone, and told him if there is a family emergancy she can call me.

I'm now at the point where my H has moved out and I am getting a divorce... It's not as easy to cut out a family member. And she kept pushing the affair and making it easy for my H to continue it. 

Your wife, if she truely wants to reconsile, will cut this woman out of her life immediatly. This person is not FOR your marriage, or for YOU. She is a threat, and must be removed from the equation completely. 

I wish you luck.. and sorry you find yourself here.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

The very friend that introduced me to my wife, is life long friends with my wife. I considered her a very dear and close friend as well. she was a bridesmaid at the wedding, she was my confidant in years past. she works with my wife.
and she knew all along about the other man my wife was meeting in secret.
many of my wifes friends knew, those whom i trusted implicitly because my wife did.

i know where you are coming from man. 

expect this to not be over. you may very well see this turn into a huge doubt in your wifes mind if what you two have is solid. it happened to me, and my wife wants a divorce. she would NEVER pick her own husband over her life long girlfriend.
thats just the way she is.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Expose the whole thing to the evil friends husband. She's probably cheating on him.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Shooboomafoo said:


> The very friend that introduced me to my wife, is life long friends with my wife. I considered her a very dear and close friend as well. she was a bridesmaid at the wedding, she was my confidant in years past. she works with my wife.
> and she knew all along about the other man my wife was meeting in secret.
> many of my wifes friends knew, those whom i trusted implicitly because my wife did.


That's one of the worst stories I've read on this forum. How truly awful.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I agree with most of the posters, the friend represents a threat to your marriage and needs to go as does the OM. 

I hope you are getting all of the facts, your message stated that she received emails from him but you cannot find the messages? Sounds curious, consider a keylogger... maybe she has an email account that you do not know about or perhaps the emails are being deleted.

Good luck.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

HouseHusband said:


> I'll start working on finding a way to view the friend as a non-villain, if that's what I've got to do.


Nope, Her friend is a villain.

You have the right to insist your wife do anything you need to get over her affair.

If it were my wife she`d never speak to this friend again under threat of divorce.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

In all probability, your wife decided to confide in this particular friend precisely because this friend would condone such behavior. This is classic psychology at play, as your wife most likely took her friends "acceptance" as grounds for following through with her affair...in essence, convincing herself that it must be ok behavior because her friend "agrees" too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Your wife's friend and "boyfriend" (aka "scum") are both nasty pieces of work, and should be eliminated from your wife's life. If your wife doesn't see that both of them need to go, she's not willing to make the effort required to fix things.

However... Neither of them had any obligation to you to protect your marriage. Neither of them made any vows or promises to you. They merely enabled or assisted your wife to do what she wanted to do. Just because they're gone doesn't mean your problem is any closer to being solved, because they weren't the problem.

C


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

My wife had a friend like that. I found out she was influencing her negatively as far as guys, clubs, ECT. She's the main reason my wife strayed. I called the woman a skank while her boyfriend was standing right there. My wife and her never talked again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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