# Could high sex drive be lurking underneath?



## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Conrad said:


> What really hurts is to think someone has a low sex drive and later find out they really have a high drive, but just didn't want to have sex with you.
> 
> That's why real attraction is a key ingredient.


Conrad made this statement in another thread. I have heard this mentioned in various places before and assume there is a lot of truth to it. I'd like to give my situation and see what peoples opinions are in relation to this. My question is, can someone be confused about whether they are attracted to someone? Was my wife never attracted to me physically in the first place?

SimplyAmorous will probably have me ejected from the board because I've probably already addressed this before!:rofl:

My x wife and I were married around 19 years ago in our early 20s. Our frequency of having sex was never what I thought it should be. We quickly got down to once a week, and she was never interested in anything too spicy. 

The weird part is that, otherwise, she acted like she was crazy about me. She pursued me heavily. She would talk to mutual 
acquaintances about me to get information about whether she thought I would go out with her. She actually called and invited me to prom. Once we got together, she made me feel like Elvis. She acted like she couldn't live without me and that I was just so cool. I was a good looking and so was she. Neither of us had any negative physical issues. She dated other people before; it wasn't like she couldn't get a date.

She never, however, seemed too interested in sex, at least not enough to have it regularly. We quickly got down to once a week and would sometimes go for 6 weeks or more. The desire to have our children didn't even increase her desire to try more often. Passionate kissing also went out the window after a while. 

She never acted like anything about the sexual act was disgusting to her, nor did she ever act like something about me was repulsive, but she just wasn't interested in much sex.

If we had had hot sex for several years and then it tapered off, I would probably look at this differently. But, we didn't even start out hot.

So, does this mean she was probably never physically attracted to me in the first place? If not, why act like she was so crazy about me?

We live in a small town where you know most people; however, although we knew of each other's families, we didn't actually know each other and I was 5 years older. Could this have made things seem a little more interesting at first and have caused her to like me for the wrong reasons?


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

So, what's your ex-wife up to now?

You know, anything is possible.

- It could be possible that she has an extremely low libido and it never even crossed her mind.

- It could be she was more emotionally wrapped up in you than she was physically wrapped up in you.

- It could be she was conditioned in her familial situation to not show affection or even be aware of physical desire.

- Maybe she was just sexually unawakened and the envelope was never pushed far enough to see what was inside.

I guess we could go on and on if we wanted to.

I know you hear the phrase you quoted a lot. But, it sounds like from your description that your ex-wife WAS really in to you - especially in an emotional sense at some point - at least the beginning. She just seemed to have a disconnect in understanding your needs and the fact that she could have done something about them. And who knows - maybe there were things that she needed from you that didn't get fulfilled. What do YOU think?


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Enchantment said:


> So, what's your ex-wife up to now?
> 
> You know, anything is possible.
> 
> ...


I appreciate the response. Actually, my x was seeing a guy 1 week after our divorce was final. I don't think its developed much yet. He's a guy she went to school with. 

I'm certain she had needs that I didn't fulfill, but she never got my attention strong enough to let me know what they were until she was ready for divorce, although she said the first several years of our marriage was good(but still, no hot sex drive).

I will admit, it sometimes takes an earthquake to get my attention about emotional issues because i am a very strong person emotionally. I function on logic and need very little emotional stroking, so it is difficult for me to understand otherwise. I couldn't care less at my age if anyone wishes me a happy birthday or not, so it is difficult for me to understand that it could be a major issue with someone else(just an example). So, I'm sure I don't rub backs and give emotional support as much as she needed. 

Also, my wife looked for things outside herself for happiness, whereas, I look on the inside of myself. I don't depend on others for happiness.

That is something everyone notices about me. Perhaps it would be better if I were more emotionally needy, that way I could understand others better.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

southbound said:


> Perhaps it would be better if I were more emotionally needy, that way I could understand others better.


I don't think emotionally needy is good, but maybe just developing empathy, which is the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. If you can develop the ability to stop and take a moment to reflect on what another's thoughts and feelings may be, you can go far. It sounds like you are on a path to do that - since you can identify that it may be something you lack.

You know, after reading through some of your posts, perhaps your wife was just immature when you got married, and she didn't mature much through the marriage.

I suggested in another of your posts on a different thread this morning, to not get too caught up in dwelling on the past, but to move forward. Become a strong, confident, capable man who is compassionate and has empathy for others and you will go far, southbound!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I keep saying this. Everyone has more or less the same libido. The only difference is how much psychotic bull**** they pile on it. Every spouse who having sex with someone else isn't having it with you. That doesn't make them frigid, it just makes them time-crunched.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> I keep saying this. Everyone has more or less the same libido. The only difference is how much psychotic bull**** they pile on it. Every spouse who having sex with someone else isn't having it with you. That doesn't make them frigid, it just makes them time-crunched.


Yah, I saw you post this in another thread. So, I buy in to the psychotic bull**** if that means the emotional aspect. What about the physical part of it, Runs? You know high testosterone, low testosterone, no testosterone, etc. etc. etc. That plays in to it and doesn't have anything to do with psychotic bull****. But, ultimately you're right. It all comes down to a choice we make for whatever reasons, whether we are high, low, or no!


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Enchantment said:


> You know, after reading through some of your posts, perhaps your wife was just immature when you got married, and she didn't mature much through the marriage.


That could be, and I'm not trying to put all the blame on her, but you could be right. 

This may be a bad example, but for instance: 

My wife's family looooved board games! It was a major, if not one of the only activities, that they did. They did it at all holidays, regular visits, etc. They had every board game available. 

I played along over the years, but I just grew tired of it as time passed. I always thought it normal. I was approaching 40, and playing a board game just didn't excite me like when i was 20. I gradually stopped participating in the last few years. During the divorce, my x said I had robbed her of one of the greatest pleasures of her life by not participating as much. She felt like I didn't love her because I didn't like doing things she liked.

perhaps I was looking for a more mature connection with her and her family as we got older, but rolling the dice and moving a game piece around a board was it.

With me being like I am, I never dreamed playing board games could be so important to her, and although I knew she enjoyed it, she didn't let me know it was that important to her until the end. I thought that was immature, but what do I know.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> Yah, I saw you post this in another thread. So, I buy in to the psychotic bull**** if that means the emotional aspect. What about the physical part of it, Runs? You know high testosterone, low testosterone, no testosterone, etc. etc. etc. That plays in to it and doesn't have anything to do with psychotic bull****. But, ultimately you're right. It all comes down to a choice we make for whatever reasons, whether we are high, low, or no!


It's like a mother who neglects a baby. No matter what you help your baby thrive. Try anything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

If my x doesn't have a sex drive lurking underneath, I think she's in for a shock. If she expects to find a guy who will give her all the emotional stuff she needs and is willing to have sex once a month, I think she'll be sorely disappointed.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

southbound said:


> If my x doesn't have a sex drive lurking underneath, I think she's in for a shock. If she expects to find a guy who will give her all the emotional stuff she needs and is willing to have sex once a month, I think she'll be sorely disappointed.


I pointed out this very thing to my wife, that no man is going to want to START a relationship in deprivation, knowing it will only worsen over time. So that all she will have is a string of meaningless hookups every six months or so until she can't stomach being used like that anymore.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

southbound said:


> If my x doesn't have a sex drive lurking underneath, I think she's in for a shock. If she expects to find a guy who will give her all the emotional stuff she needs and is willing to have sex once a month, I think she'll be sorely disappointed.


Maybe she can find a guy who IS happy with once a month. 

Just curious - you don't have to answer this, and please don't take it the wrong way - but do you still have some unresolved feelings towards your ex-wife? I can't quite decide whether the above situation would make you happy or not, and you seem to have been thinking about your ex-wife's drive and her situation over the last few days.

Anyhoo, if I were you, BURT, I'd go see if I could rustle up Sally Field for a drive.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

southbound said:


> SimplyAmorous will probably have me ejected from the board because I've probably already addressed this before!:rofl:


Ha ha, I love all your questions Southbound ! One can ask the same question in a variety of ways - nothing wrong with that - just incase we missed something. There can always be another perspective around the corner. A wise poster like Enchantment has many good answers for you. 






southbound said:


> I'm certain she had needs that I didn't fulfill, but she never got my attention strong enough to let me know what they were until she was ready for divorce, although she said the first several years of our marriage was good(but still, no hot sex drive).


 Your wife lacked the assertiveness & openness to clue you into her world. She chose to take it internally & build walls. Likely a different tempered woman (feisty, aggressive) who showed you some down & dirty conflict of what she needs from you would have been a better match for your laid back unassuming personality type . 




> I will admit, it sometimes takes an earthquake to get my attention about emotional issues because i am a very strong person emotionally. I function on logic and need very little emotional stroking, so it is difficult for me to understand otherwise. I couldn't care less at my age if anyone wishes me a happy birthday or not, so it is difficult for me to understand that it could be a major issue with someone else(just an example). So, I'm sure I don't rub backs and give emotional support as much as she needed.


 Women LOVE emotional stroking & generally the more low their self esteem is , the more they may CRAVE this, but then again some of us just freaking like it anyway & our confidence is fine. All depends on your love languages I think. IF she was high on Verbal affirmation & quality time -but low on physical touch , it would make sense. 

We want it to come from the man willingly though, free flowing naturally -it is almost demeaning to have to ask for it, let him know he is failing us somehow. Just as men would love for their wives to initiate in the bedroom, us women want our husbands to emotionally lavish us and "need" us, it makes us feel secure, loved and wanted. 

I think every human being craves this to some extent -even if they don't acknowledge it. Some more so that others of coarse. It is that special "one on one" intimate connection that makes us come alive, gives us joy for the day, feeling we are MORE VALUED to this one human being over anyone else in this world. We may not be a Julia Roberts or the most beautiful , but to our husbands- she could not compare. Maybe it is even egotistical of us, but we do want to believe, and feel in our hearts that WE bring a great deal of our husband's "happiness". 

Is it possible she came to realize you really didn't need her, and she knew you would be fine without her and this thought alone could have caused depression and a pulling away. It is not like we can "change" people too much from what they are deep inside. 

Southbound, she probably wanted this from you, but I understand your dilemma, you started pulling back cause she was not all that into sex!! How can we put all the blame on the man- you have needs too -once a freaking month is near a " Sexless marraige" status. (Less than 10 times a year is considered sexless) 

It was a vicious cycle of you not getting your needs met (not feeling loved) -pulling away, then likely her feeling she was not getting hers met-the emotional. (and pulling away). 


> Also, my wife looked for things outside herself for happiness, whereas, I look on the inside of myself. I don't depend on others for happiness.


 Makes me think of your Loner thread http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/20673-loners-relationships.html


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Enchantment said:


> Maybe she can find a guy who IS happy with once a month.
> 
> Just curious - you don't have to answer this, and please don't take it the wrong way - but do you still have some unresolved feelings towards your ex-wife? I can't quite decide whether the above situation would make you happy or not, and you seem to have been thinking about your ex-wife's drive and her situation over the last few days.
> 
> Anyhoo, if I were you, BURT, I'd go see if I could rustle up Sally Field for a drive.


We've been apart for 9 months now and divorced for 6. It is difficult to flush 18 years down the toilet, but I'm doing well. All my questions are just me trying to "understand." It's become somewhat of a project to me. I've always been interested in what makes people behave the way they do anyway, so I have my own personal situation to try to understand. I have gotten a lot of great comments and information while I have been here, and perhaps my questions can help others as well. 

As for the sex thing, sex was something I never talked much about with other people after I was married, I just assumed it was a normal part of a marriage. However, my x's low interest puzzled me, but she almost had me convinced that I was strange for wanting sex very often. Sex is one of those things that can be made to seem a little dirty from the person who doesn't like it.

However, after coming here and talking with some others, I discovered that not everyone lives in a sexless marriage and that perhaps I'm not so weird after all. 

I made the comment when I first came here that "we just weren't the kind of people who divorced." Some people thought that was a naive remark, but I guess you would just have to know us to fully understand; that is why this is so puzzling to me. The divorce has also made me look over our marriage and analyze things; that brings out a lot of questions, and I appreciate all the responses.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Ha ha, I love all your questions Southbound ! One can ask the same question in a variety of ways - nothing wrong with that - just incase we missed something. There can always be another perspective around the corner. A wise poster like Enchantment has many good answers for you.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Thanks SimplyAmorous for the thoughtful response, and thanks for not having me banned from the forum. You've been my personal councilor for a while now.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

South,
She liked you a lot. And she prized you as a male "trophy" she could 'show off'. BUT you had no edge, and that lack of edge/aggression caused her to lack desire for you. 

She used you to boost her social status and maybe to also boost her financial situation. But she never really respected YOU. And certainly never respected your need tofeel loved through sex. 








southbound said:


> Conrad made this statement in another thread. I have heard this mentioned in various places before and assume there is a lot of truth to it. I'd like to give my situation and see what peoples opinions are in relation to this. My question is, can someone be confused about whether they are attracted to someone? Was my wife never attracted to me physically in the first place?
> 
> SimplyAmorous will probably have me ejected from the board because I've probably already addressed this before!:rofl:
> 
> ...


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

My husband was never all that interested in sex. I've learned that it was my fault. He had emotional needs that I did not meet. I've also recently found out that hurtful words I've said in the heat of the moment stuck with him for years and I had no idea. I've slowly been healing those wounds, sincerely apologizing for hurting him and meeting his emotional needs. He's now much more affectionate which is awesome.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> South,
> She liked you a lot. And she prized you as a male "trophy" she could 'show off'. BUT you had no edge, and that lack of edge/aggression caused her to lack desire for you.
> 
> She used you to boost her social status and maybe to also boost her financial situation. But she never really respected YOU. And certainly never respected your need to feel loved through sex.


More good stuff! You could be correct. Although I considered us cut from a similar cloth, I was a little different than what their family usually married into. I was going to college and obtained a white collar job, neither she, nor anyone else in her family did. That didn't matter to me, but she may have considered it a step up in the beginning. Her family was high drama and mine was no drama.

You are right, I had no edge. I functioned on logic, I didn't exceed the speed limit, I managed money well, etc. I was not a generator of drama, but she never led me to believe she wanted an edge. She mentioned several times over the years that she didn't understand why good girls often wanted wild guys.:scratchhead:


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

southbound said:


> You are right, I had no edge. I functioned on logic, I didn't exceed the speed limit, I managed money well, etc. I was not a generator of drama, but she never led me to believe she wanted an edge. She mentioned several times over the years that she didn't understand why good girls often wanted wild guys.:scratchhead:


@ southbound ~

Well, you have a great opportunity now for improving yourself - not necessarily to become a 'wild' guy, but just to become your own man - confident, calm, compassionate. Your next lady will be quite appreciative of those qualities, I'm sure.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Enchantment said:


> @ southbound ~
> 
> Well, you have a great opportunity now for improving yourself - not necessarily to become a 'wild' guy, but just to become your own man - confident, calm, compassionate. Your next lady will be quite appreciative of those qualities, I'm sure.


Actually, I am confident, and calm is a word everyone would use to describe me. 

I am very confident and very happy with who I am as a person, although I realize that everyone could use some adjustment for social purposes. I don't see anything wrong with who I am. My task will be to make some adjustments to myself without changing who I am as a person. That might be challenging.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

southbound not all women want drama and many love logical minds and calmness. I also think having an "edge" is overrated. Has it ever occured to you that you simply married the wrong person?


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> Has it ever occured to you that you simply married the wrong person?


Yes, that thought along with many others has crossed my mind. I would think that if I married the wrong person, why didn't that become obvious in the first few years instead of 18? Ah, the puzzle of it all.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Sure be the badboy. Someone else will manage the bills and mortgage and car repairs and parent teacher meetings. I think those are called 'staff'.

I'm ambivalent on the point. Everyone wants excitement and fun off someone else's back. But all the mundane **** still has to get done. By someone. And that's not exciting. Neither is living in squalor.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

southbound said:


> Yes, that thought along with many others has crossed my mind. I would think that if I married the wrong person, why didn't that become obvious in the first few years instead of 18? Ah, the puzzle of it all.


People change that's a fact of life. Now we all hope that we grow together but that doesn't always happen. Did you marry young? I find that unless you married after the age of 30 you have no idea what you are getting into or WHO you are getting into it with.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

SB,
I share most of your positive beta traits. My W prizes those highly and would NOT
Have married a "bad boy" 

It is also true that I established boundaries, needs and an equal level of importance early on.

And all of that started with "this is what is fair IMO, if you can make a case otherwise that is fine, if however we go into brute force mode I will take this all the way to divorce if need be"

If I had not been willing to do that I would have ended up ground to dust by my very dominant wife.

Instead reason rules, peace is the norm and love fills the house.




good stuff! You could be correct. Although I considered us cut from a similar cloth, I was a little different than what their family usually married into. I was going to college and obtained a white collar job, neither she, nor anyone else in her family did. That didn't matter to me, but she may have considered it a step up in the beginning. Her family was high drama and mine was no drama.

You are right, I had no edge. I functioned on logic, I didn't exceed the speed limit, I managed money well, etc. I was not a generator of drama, but she never led me to believe she wanted an edge. She mentioned several times over the years that she didn't understand why good girls often wanted wild guys.:scratchhead:[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rotor (Aug 28, 2010)

southbound,

Are you an INTJ? 




> I will admit, it sometimes takes an earthquake to get my attention about emotional issues because i am a very strong person emotionally. I function on logic and need very little emotional stroking, so it is difficult for me to understand otherwise. I couldn't care less at my age if anyone wishes me a happy birthday or not, so it is difficult for me to understand that it could be a major issue with someone else(just an example). So, I'm sure I don't rub backs and give emotional support as much as she needed.
> 
> We've been apart for 9 months now and divorced for 6. It is difficult to flush 18 years down the toilet, but I'm doing well. All my questions are just me trying to "understand." It's become somewhat of a project to me. I've always been interested in what makes people behave the way they do anyway, so I have my own personal situation to try to understand. I have gotten a lot of great comments and information while I have been here, and perhaps my questions can help others as well.
> 
> I am very confident and very happy with who I am as a person, although I realize that everyone could use some adjustment for social purposes. I don't see anything wrong with who I am. My task will be to make some adjustments to myself without changing who I am as a person. That might be challenging.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

rotor said:


> southbound,
> 
> Are you an INTJ?


Good question. My husband and I are both INTJ's which explains why we work even during the bad times.


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## rotor (Aug 28, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> Good question. My husband and I are both INTJ's which explains why we work even during the bad times.




I just figured it was worth asking since it could put an entirely new spin on things. 

Wow that's super rare for 'both' of you to be INTJ's. I only know of one other besides myself and a second that I strongly suspect 'could' be in my circle of acquaintances.


Regards,

rotor


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

rotor said:


> I just figured it was worth asking since it could put an entirely new spin on things.
> 
> Wow that's super rare for 'both' of you to be INTJ's. I only know of one other besides myself and a second that I strongly suspect 'could' be in my circle of acquaintances.
> 
> ...


What are the basic characteristics of an INTJ?


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Portrait of an INTJ


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Since temperments came up, here is my latest thread with MANY links and tests on this very issue. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ments-our-spouses-better-understand-them.html


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

NEW, Related Q/ 7/3/11

Can meeting someone new give someone a complete turnaround in sexual expression? I can see someone having a higher drive with someone new, but what about actions themselves. What if a woman is against anything spicy like anal or bjs? Once her new partner wants that, couldn't that turn ugly again?


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

"What really hurts is to think someone has a low sex drive and later find out they really have a high drive, but just didn't want to have sex with you."

Sometimes that is what it boils down to, after long-term mistreatment in a relationship. The constant use of withdrawal for birth control and the lack of lubrication for anal sex despite repeated requests was a huge turn-off for me after a couple years. FWIW, I did discuss this with him verbally, and rationally. Promises were made but never delivered. 

The next guy I'm with will have the pleasure of being chased round the house by me. I'll make sure of that. And I'll actually enjoy the BJ, and probably even swallow and enjoy that too. Bought my own d*mn lube. He still didn't use it! Bought condoms, he decided on his own (surprise surprise) not to use those either. ??????

Signed, high sex drive woman.
AKA "My wife is frigid and needs sex ed."
I think not!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I really don't care either way. If my wife and I split up and she winds up having sex all day everyday with an endless parade of young dumb hung cabana boys, the occasional woman and some furniture, that's her deal and godspeed. All I would actually object to is her utter refusal to be honest about how much she truly despises me and, as a result, helped quietly destroy 30+ years of both of our lives.

Of course that's never going to happen. There's no there, there. Underneath that barbed-wire heart and vagina slammed shut like King Tut's tomb, there's only more abyss.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Runs Like Dog, I forget the reason why you choose to stay married.
Can you repost that or link to it?
I couldn't live that way. But there is no way I would live the way you describe your wife and the theoretical cabana boys either - ewwwww. One person who loves and respect me is enough for me. I would never have sex or even mess around to prove anything. I have a healthy sex drive but it is driven by desire and desire is driven by respect and feelings of security. There's a very big difference between having a high sex drive and being impulsively and indiscriminately over-sexed. I am shocked at the number of people who just assume that a single woman who is attractive is humping away left and right. I'd sooner ride my bike than a d*ck that's not attached to an actual Lover. That's Lover with a capital L and Friend with a capital F. My grandmother was a huge proponent of masturbation and appropriate self-reliance. =) A woman wayyyyy ahead of her time, I might say.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

southbound said:


> NEW, Related Q/ 7/3/11
> 
> Can meeting someone new give someone a complete turnaround in sexual expression? I can see someone having a higher drive with someone new, but what about actions themselves. What if a woman is against anything spicy like anal or bjs? Once her new partner wants that, couldn't that turn ugly again?


Another question, eh? 

Well, I can't speak from the perspective of someone being divorced and moving on to someone new. But, drive and sexual expression are very fluid - they certainly are within a marriage and I would expect outside of one they are too.

I think it depends on the reason why a woman is willing to do something 'spicy' when she wasn't before. If it's with someone she has grown to love, trust, respect, she may be willing to try it.

Conversely, it appears that if she's insecure and distrustful and wants to retain/impress the man, she may also be willing (there was just a thread on this in one of the other forums). Whether it would last in this case, though, is anyone's guess.

For me, I have to have deeper feelings about my partner that are reciprocated before I can do something outside my 'comfort zone'.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

southbound said:


> NEW, Related Q/ 7/3/11
> 
> Can meeting someone new give someone a complete turnaround in sexual expression? I can see someone having a higher drive with someone new, but what about actions themselves. What if a woman is against anything spicy like anal or bjs? Once her new partner wants that, couldn't that turn ugly again?


In 22 years I've watched my sister go through TWO husbands and TWO long-term live in boyfriends. She tells me way too much info on her sex life. 

In her case history repeated itself each and every time. Nothing changed just the partners.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> There's a very big difference between having a high sex drive and being impulsively and indiscriminately over-sexed.


My only point is, 'so what'. Once it's over it's over. Sure I'm insane as the day is long for staying married, but not half so crazy as people who ARE divorced and then proceed to live obsessed with the details of the personal life of their Ex. Why bother splitting up if you're going to do that? 

People don't suddenly develop a brand new libido for each different person they're tangled up with. If he or she wasn't into you it's because they weren't into you and you alone. It has almost nothing to do with their sexual proclivities otherwise. 

My point is nothing more than the flipside of what's made patently obvious here every day. He or she erupting into a sex volcano with someone else is exactly the same mental process as he or she turning to stone under YOUR touch. It's not about sex, it's about you. (no matter what Dr. Phil says!)


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Runs, sexual intimacy involves two people being connected.
It can't be about one person or the other.
It is what is between them.
So of course it would be different with another person.

"Conversely, it appears that if she's insecure and distrustful and wants to retain/impress the man, she may also be willing (there was just a thread on this in one of the other forums). Whether it would last in this case, though, is anyone's guess."

In my case, see my posts on reassuring an insecure spouse.
I'll admit I went overboard in the sexual area trying to 'prove' my love. I only stopped this because of fear of pregnancy at age 47 and also fear of having to go to the ER and explain why my butt was ripped apart.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Intimacy and libido are distinctly different things. Night and day, really.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

For you perhaps. For myself and some other people who have posted here, the two are intertwined. Where libido is put on hold or suppressed in the absence of intimacy. For me, that is a healthy state. I get it that for other people libido and intimacy are not connected. But let's also separate out the difference between libido and sexual expression. For some people sex is an expression of violence or control or anger. They might feel what they call libido. But definitely far apart from intimacy. Of course, violence is also intimate, but not in a good way.


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