# Advice re: separation please



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I am not sure what I want to do....things are tense between us and we are getting on each other's nerves. He is going on a camp job in about 3 weeks and will be away for two weeks.

I do think I can be a snippity ***** because I am still angry about his EA's. I admit I am not the easiest to live with.

I am debating going to individual counselling to maybe learn how I can learn to deal and control my anger and annoyance with him. 

I am so mixed with this separation thing..on one hand I think maybe it would be good for me but then there is that scared side of me that thinks no just try and make things work. So am I wanting him to stay out of fear of the unknown???

He says if we do a trial separation we would keep everything the same..ie. finances..he would pay the mortgage and as he is self employed and we jointly own a business I would still deal with the business issues/finances, etc.

Thoughts/advice would be welcome

We do not have young children...just one adult son who is starting his career and still lives at home. I admit that even if he is an adult he is a good kid and I worry that even as an adult it is still hard when you hear that your parents are separating.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I am thinking of in the interim until we are sure what we are going to do to kind of implement certain aspects of the 180..i.e. be pleasant, don't talk about relationship, etc.

My sister thinks we should go to weekend power counselling but I doubt that H would go for that.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Separation without a plan is just one step closer to divorce, IMHO. If nothing else, Ba explicit about the "rules" of separation. Especially if he's already had a history of EA's. The odds he'll go looking to have his needs met elsewhere are high. 

C
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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

PBear..I totally agree with you. That is what I am thinking...I could see him doing that because he will be in his own place, etc. This is why when we were going thru our DDays, I was scared of him leaving because I thought well of course living away from home he will definently continue contact.

I often wonder if I am just reacting out of fear....I contacted our work Empl. Assistance program and have a counselling session set up for tomorrow morning. I want to discuss mistakes I am making..i.e. keep throwing back what he did in his face. I think I sometimes forget that what he did is painful for him and am just focusing on me being the victim (which I hate but I do it sometimes)

I know there are some things I have to work on as a person...


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Sometimes I think what happens is I push and push him and then when he reacts by saying we can't live like this and maybe we should separate..I go into panic mode and think hmmmm I did not want it to go that far. Sometimes I can hear myself being a nag and a ***** but I can't stop....


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

The camp is for work, right? That is a de facto separation. You don't need an additional split up, do you? Just use this one to mediatate.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Yes it is for work....

I am thinking too part of my mistakes I have been making is I am not happy with myself..I want to get back into shape but rarely attend exercise classes that I am registered in...I could go 4 times per week but rarely go instead I end up sitting in front of the tv or computer. 

I think part of healing is looking after yourself something which I have NOT been doing......I think when you do not feel good about yourself how can you interact with others in a healthy way??


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

A vent of sort...I want to vent here becuase I want to do some of the 180 at this point..specifically do not ask H where he has been or what he has done.

So I come home for lunch and when I am leaving I say to H...so what are you doing this afternoon..he says not much. THen I had to make a quick stop on my way back to work and I see his truck and he is going somewhere. I am thinking okay why not just tell me I am going into the city or what....nope I am not going to say anything...it just kind of pisses me off. Either he is meeting his buddy for coffee or he is going to look at a place to rent...but whatever...I figure if that is what he is hell bent on doing then he can do it. But I am not going to be living in limbo wondering if gee will he be coming back to me.

Okay vent over....okay Highwood breathe!!!! I am going to try and get my brain to calm down when I start feeling like this...because I can feel my anxiety/panic and anger taking over.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Sorry, I'm not understanding... Not much means he committed to staying home all afternoon?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

No, not at all...but if he was going somewhere why not just say it...

Do you think I am overreacting to this? Kick my butt if you want don't worry!!!! I guess I am just a little more senstive right now becaause the last couple of days have been pretty tense.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Personally, yes. I think you're overreacting. I don't know your history, but if things were tense already, maybe he wasn't feeling talkative , so the nothing much just was easier than giving you a short list of small errands he needed to do or some running around that he was doing. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I think you're being overly sensitive right now, but he still could have told you he was going to run some errands.

I gotta tell you, over the last while I have kinda thought that you aren't moving past him cheating as well as you could be. I don't know if that's because you're stuck, or because he isn't helping you like he should. I always compare WS's to my own, and it's pretty hard to live up to that, and unfortunately few do. You seem to think he is doing what he should be, but at the same time you seem kinda stuck. I don't know why that would be.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Btw, I fully understand that when there's friction between spouses, EVERYTHING grates on you. They breathe too loud, they look at you funny, etc... Been there, done that. And it's a hard cycle to break, until you get to the root cause. I think Hope is right, though...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> I think you're being overly sensitive right now, but he still could have told you he was going to run some errands.
> 
> I gotta tell you, over the last while I have kinda thought that you aren't moving past him cheating as well as you could be. I don't know if that's because you're stuck, or because he isn't helping you like he should. I always compare WS's to my own, and it's pretty hard to live up to that, and unfortunately few do. You seem to think he is doing what he should be, but at the same time you seem kinda stuck. I don't know why that would be.


I think it is more me HOpe to be honest...I just think as I stated that I have not been working on myself both mentally and physically and because of that and not feeling good about myself or confident..I am turning that into taking it out on him in some ways. I think that what happened affected me over the last year and a half alot more than what I initially thought. So probably have some moderate depression...I am thinking as well. I can function day to day..go to work, clean the house, etc. etc. but in other areas lacking. I used to be more motivated to exercise and eat right and that has gone by the wayside in the last year or so.

I think what happens is I push him with my *****iness and then when he reacts by saying this is ridiculous we can't live like this I get all panicky and think I did not mean it to get to that point. I can hear myself sometimes and yes I admit I sound like a nagging shrew...honestly I would not want to come home to me either.

I am going to try and do some of the 180..for my own peace of mind. I feel like I am becoming a paranoid shrew. I know I will often throw it back at him what he did. SOmetimes I admit too that I forget that what happened I believe was painful for him but instead i get caught in my own victimization..and poor me. Plus I think by throwing it back in his face it makes me feel like I have some kind of power and control....I don't know.

It does feel good to write this stuff out....

All I know is I think mentally I am not in a great place and I believe that unless I start working on myself then how can I be an good spouse.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

So do you agree that when I see him after work not to ask him where he went just after I left to go back to work...becuase he probably does not know that I saw him.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Here is from the 180 what I am trying to follow:

ASK NOTHING about whereabouts.
Be cheerful, strong, etc.
Get busy, do things, etc.
Do not be nasty, angry, cold, etc.
Show happiness and contentment.
Learn to back off, shut up and walk away.
Take care of yourself.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Another question: what if he decides in the next couple of days that he is sure that he wants to do a trial separation...do I argue against it or just say fine...do what you have to do (harder to do than it sounds)....


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

The purpose of the 180 is to prepare you better for moving on. Is that what you're trying to do? If so, I guess you shouldn't discuss his afternoon with him. 

In my world, however, it's perfectly normal for me to say "Hey babe! What did you end up doing this afternoon?" 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Btw, as far as the 180 goes, you probably shouldn't have asked him what he was doing this afternoon in the first place. Then you wouldn't be upset when you saw him driving around. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Are you two currently in MC?

I agree, do not ask him where he went.

I am guilty of some of the same behaviour from time to time. I tend to clam up when I'm not happy about something and watch him go into 'FIX HOPE' mode. It's mean for me to do it, but at the same time I don't want to be a nag and so I don't say anything. I have a hard time faking it. I also need to get off my duff and get back into taking better care of myself. -exercise and eating better.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

No, not currently in MC. I have a session tomorrow just for myself as I want to learn how to better manage my emotions, etc. I think I tend to over analyze and ruminate about things...sometimes I will work my brain into a highly anxious state speculating, etc.

Kind of like what I did when I saw his truck after lunch...now I feel calmer...writing it out and getting feedback helps.

Sometimes I hate this whole F'ed up situation....I long for the day before we had these issues...not that life was perfect but it did not seem as dire.

I know when I question him about who texted him (even though I have access to his text files via Telus) or where he went I feel like a paranoid nagging shrew...I HATE that!!!!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Well, if he suggests a separation, can you suggest MC?

If separation isn't what you want, tell him so. Tell him you haven't been happy with yourself lately. Tell him you hate what comes out of your mouth sometimes. And ask him to help you work out a plan to do what you need to do for yourself. I know I find it far easier to be healthy if I have hubby's support


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I mentioned it this morning....he is highly embarrassed about his ED and low libido issues and the thought of discussing them with anybody is humiliating for him....that is another thing we got going on.

Sometimes I think some of my resentment comes from the fact that 5 or 6 years ago he complained about not getting enough sex and now it is reversed..I am getting nothing...last time we had sex barely was over 3 years ago......and yet am I scoping around looking for someone else..nope! I am sticking it out with him.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You may not be scoping out anyone else, but how much of your resentments and frustrations are tied to 3 years without sex? And I'm not asking that to be a jerk.

C
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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I think too that if he insists on a "trial separation" my attitude will be fine if that is what you want but because I will tend to think he will be starting up with his online activities again I will make it clear to him that any chance of reconcilliation will probably not happen.

He broke my trust so no way I will be thinking no I am sure he is not doing anything....he will have all the time in the world then to do his alternative activities.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

PBear said:


> You may not be scoping out anyone else, but how much of your resentments and frustrations are tied to 3 years without sex? And I'm not asking that to be a jerk.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Probably true! Dr. Laura said one time on her program that when there is no sex/intimacy in a marriage than you can trace that back to 90% of the problems with in that marriage. 

Sometimes I wonder if something is wrong with me that I am sticking it out with someone like this?????? Would any other women do that??

Sad thing is I rarely do not even feel like having sex...it is like it is shut down for me.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Many people don't want to have sex with someone they don't trust or respect...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

PBear said:


> Many people don't want to have sex with someone they don't trust or respect...
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think too because both his EA's were with Asian women and I am not I think there is a part of me that thinks is that what he really wants.....honestly sometimes I cannot even imagine having sex with him again because I would wonder if I would be thinking is he fantasizing about something else. I think my insecurity would probably be heightened..if that makes any sense....

Sigh...sometimes I can see why people choose to leave after infideltiy..it sure plays mind games on the BS.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Well so what if he doesn't want to discuss those issues? Those are HUGE issues in a marriage. I would tell him he either gets his ass in to MC or he gets it out the door. It sounds like that would be the end of it for you, though, so actually, I would just file for D in that case.

3 years and no sex. Wow. What does your IC say about you putting up with that?


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I agree with you...funny he always complained that I did not want to talk about sensitive issues...well when it is reversed guess who is sensitive now.

I like your attitude HOpe..I think I have to stop telling myself that if he leaves it is like the end of the world..when it is not. It opens up a whole other world of possibilities for me...

I think part of my fear of losing him is I am 45 now and have been with him since I was 19..never lived on my own.

That is why I am thinking I am acting out of fear not out of any kind of rational thought. I think I fear being on my own...what if my car breaks down/what if something in the house breaks down, etc. etc. Sounds stupid I know....but those silly thoughts go thru my head.

I have not mentioned it to my IC...my first appt. is tomorrow.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

On a side note today at work I was signing off on a delivery pakcage that came for me and the guy said make sure you put your home phone number so I can call you at home and I just laughed like whatever...so I mentioned it to H at lunch, like how wierd it was and his face got kind of red and he was like so the guy was hitting on you...

I thought well what do you think that if I was single no other guys would be interested....I could see it bugging the heck out of him if he realized I was dating someone else....he is like well if you want to go for it..I said no I am not interested..I don't associate with other guys that way when I am married.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

This is why I love this board...I find it puts things into perspective for me and lets me know I am not alone..and calls me out on things I do or say....


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

The more I hear the more I really think you'd be better off separating/divorcing. You ARE afraid of being alone. You are staying with him because you HAVE to and not because you WANT to. You can't even make a choice here because you are too terrified of being by yourself.

As you know, I kicked my husband out the day I found out what he was up to. He was GONE. It was OVER. No way was I going to live in the same house as someone who did what he did. No effing way. I was 45 years old when I did that. The FARTHEST thing from my mind was worrying about finding another man. Fvck men- who needs 'em? But I had been a single mom for several years when my kids were little, so I KNEW I would be fine on my own.

And the thing is - YOU WILL BE TOO. If your car breaks down you call a tow truck (I know an excellent mechanic in south Edmonton if you ever need one). If something in the house needs fixing, you FIX it. Google is great for this, and so are the how-to videos on youtube. You have my email - heck, email me if you need help. Join a divorce group. Join an exercise class. Go on a road trip. Have fun! And find someone and GET LAID. Once the divorce is final, of course


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Are you two both in Alberta?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Hope...you are awesome..I so appreciate your words of wisdom!!!

I have decided that when I go home after work I am going to keep busy..I do have alot on my plate..I work full time, am taking a course at NAIT to finish up my degree, have a gym membership, etc. I am not going to ask him so what do you think ....what should we/you going to do...forget that.....let him wonder what I am thinking.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

PBear said:


> Are you two both in Alberta?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's what our locations say  Yes we are. What province are you in?


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

PBear said:


> Are you two both in Alberta?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We are...I live about 15 minutes outside of Edmonton where HOpe lives.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

highwood said:


> Hope...you are awesome..I so appreciate your words of wisdom!!!
> 
> I have decided that when I go home after work I am going to keep busy..I do have alot on my plate..I work full time, am taking a course at NAIT to finish up my degree, have a gym membership, etc. I am not going to ask him so what do you think ....what should we/you going to do...forget that.....let him wonder what I am thinking.


This is good. Just don't wonder if he's wondering what YOU'RE thinking. You need to start to detach, and then keep on detaching.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

highwood said:


> We are...I live about 15 minutes outside of Edmonton where HOpe lives.


Deep downtown. Look out over the Victoria Park golf course. Used to live just south of town. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

So you're in Edmonton too? Lucky you. Especially at THIS time of year.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

The forecast for the rest of the month looks pretty peachy! If only it comes true! . Gonna head out for a run this evening, actually. 

This thread derailment brought to you by the letter

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I was married as long as you've been on this earth and I had never lived on my own either. Now I do and I'm happy. So don't stay because you are afraid -- stay because you love him and want your marriage to work. Otherwise, you are wasting your life.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Wow openminded...that must have been a huge transition for you! Good for you!!


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