# Breaking the cycle isnt easy!!



## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

I can't say its a cycle since its just been a month I'd guess.....lol, but I would say this is true for many couples. A quick .02 about us we both work 50hrs, have kids, share the chores, I spend more time with the kids homework, play time, because she is also in school. We are busy there is no doubt, but we also eat healthy, workout, and try to stay in shape.

No for the issue!! My sex drive is increasing while hers is decreasing......slightly. we talked this Saturday night about it. 

Some of her issues are: I feel pressured because I know you always want sex. That even though you may not be trying I know that you would want to. The other issue is as much as she enjoys our crazy sex life ......she says I feel like its porn star sometimes because even if we aren't being crazy I know you would want to be.

This resonates poorly with me cause what fun is it to have sex if you feel like your partner is just appeasing you.? We are sort of stuck........she feels guilty because she knows I would want sex if she did, she feels pressure, and she feels like their is no reason I shouldn't I just.don't sometimes.

Going forward we are just going to do what feels right and ill suck it up so to speak. Let her initiate more and not bring up anything that may seem wilder.

Ultimately I told her she needs.to feel comfortable that its all about her and her enjoyment. That my intent was definitely not to make her feel any of that. Of course we had sex after, but long term I do want this spell to go away cause I do enjoy higher frequency and doing more than just a position or two and 
Being finished.

Any input would be great!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

It's important not to portray that you always want sex.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Just back off a bit and let her want you again.


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## Michelle S. (Apr 1, 2011)

For men and women sex represents different things. For men is more physical than emotional and for women is more emotional than physical. Even though both sexes need both. I think both of you need to figure out what does sex mean for each of you and how each of you can compromise on your needs and wants for sex. A sex therapist can help your wife on figuring out emotionally why her sex drive might be decreasing and help her find a healthy balance between all her responsibilities and help you understand what are those needs for her. Men unlike women use sex a lot of the time to relax and distress. Women on the other hand if they are worried or concerned about something they are not able to turn off that switch to throughly enjoy sex. I would reccommend read Women are like Spaguetti and Men are like waffles to understand the complexities of men and women and its impact on your relationship not only pertaining to sex but other areas as well. Good luck to you both


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Keep em coming........I feel guilty even starting the thread who is going to feel sympathetic for a guy who does make love to his wife twice a week.....lol.
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## ViperStorm (Jul 11, 2011)

MMSL and HNHN would be recommended readings. Granted these two books don't necessarily agree with one another but they both have some very solid information in the subject.

The fact that you talked about it, you have an understanding, and that you are asking questions seems to be a great thing. One thing that most people here will agree on is that the male always harping on more and more sex alone simply won't work and has the opposite effect. Things like working on your beta traits, some alpha traits, understanding what she wants, focusing more on affection, etc. can have dramatic results.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Wow! You guys are busy. I don't care what they say - I have found that the amount of "busy-ness" that I have in my life - from work, from kids, from parents, from housework, from medical issues, etc. can really put a dampener on the amount of enthusiasm I have to bring to sex - and I know that sex is very important. Any way any of the 'stressors' and time "black holes" can be addressed differently or creatively?

Have you looked at how you approach her for sex? She obviously feels pressured. Do you flirt and do a lot of non-sexual, physical touching during the day? Do you know what 'speaks' to her - what her 'love language' is?

Why would she feel pressured that you want 'porn star' sex? Have you made known to her some of these desires? Do you watch a lot of porn? What would happen if you turned off the porn if you watch that, and started concentrating only your wife - thinking of things that might please her and not just you?

For me, my husband's impatience for certain kinds of things always put a dampener on my enthusiasm (and he doesn't even watch porn - just has a vivid imagination.) It would make me feel more like a piece of meat or a performer and seemed more about him than about "US". I finally articulated this, and he took it to heart and things got much better. Now that we have better intimacy in these areas, I have gotten to the place where I'm more willing to try some of the things that he wants to do, and am bringing up some of the things that I would like (anybody got a pair of cowboy chaps? )

It has also helped that we have re-prioritized certain things in our life (like putting our intimacy together more at the top) and working to eliminate other things that were bogging us down.

I know for my husband, being patient and respectful of my pace was hard for him. Sometimes he gives me little loving 'prods', but just knowing that he doesn't really pressure me anymore has made a world of difference. We have found that the 3 "P's" - patience, persistence, and persuasion - have worked well for us.

Hope you can get things to work out. It sounds like your wife is willing to talk about it and work at it.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Enchantment, yeah tons date nights, sticky notes, the flirting is probably too much, we are really open with each other so the whole beta/alpha thing really doesn't fit we r too honest and know each other too well. I guess I should have added we've been together for 20 years I you count high school. 


Her love language was admiration mine was physical..........lol.

It's that age old issue............I really think the problem is much more me than her. She has always been a 2-3 times a week person and I was never far off. Now for some reason I think she is so hot, sexy, and I want more......its more me changing then her. 

I'll take a look at the books recommended.
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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

OhGeesh said:


> It's that age old issue............I really think the problem is much more me than her. She has always been a 2-3 times a week person and I was never far off. Now for some reason* I think she is so hot, sexy, and I want more.*.....its more me changing then her._Posted via Mobile Device_


But this is soooo flattering - especially if she is a 'words of affirmation' person and you can figure out how to bring this flattery subtly to words without it having to lead to sex. 

Here's another good book (since you're willing to read - and make sure she reads them too, or you read them together - a chapter at night before you go to sleep or you know...): Amazon.com: When Your Sex Drives Don't Match: Discover Your Libido Types to Create a Mutually Satisfying Sex Life (9781569242711): Sandra Pertot: Books


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

She may want to have more loving slow passionate sex interspersed with the wild stuff. She may want a little more of her love language in the bedroom. Words that affirm your obvious love and affection for her.
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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Catherine602 said:


> She may want to have more loving slow passionate sex interspersed with the wild stuff. She may want a little more of her love language in the bedroom. Words that affirm your obvious love and affection for her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yep she even said that.......
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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Don't pressure her about sex. Think like a woman. Tease her a little throughout the day complement her do little thingsl like leave her brief love notes in strange places, give her flowers for no particular reason. Be creative. In short romance her. For most women sex begins longgggg before the bedroom. If I am wrong here I'm sure some of the ladies will correct me.


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## JRiZZY (Aug 11, 2011)

OhGeesh said:


> I can't say its a cycle since its just been a month I'd guess.....lol, but I would say this is true for many couples. A quick .02 about us we both work 50hrs, have kids, share the chores, I spend more time with the kids homework, play time, because she is also in school. We are busy there is no doubt, but we also eat healthy, workout, and try to stay in shape.
> 
> No for the issue!! My sex drive is increasing while hers is decreasing......slightly. we talked this Saturday night about it.
> 
> ...


I can relate to this. My husband and I both work full time. He has a daughter and we have her about 75 percent of the time. While both of our sex drives have decreased from what they once were, mine has definitely dove deeper than his. I also feel like a porn star sometimes because he finishes in my face, we have anal sex, etc.....sometimes it's like, can we just have NORMAL sex? I feel like we are into this routine of the kind of sex we have and you are right, it's hard to break the cycle. I also feel stressed and pressured on nights where I know I am not in the mood, because I feel like my husband is going to be upset when I break the news to him.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Stonewall said:


> Don't pressure her about sex. Think like a woman. Tease her a little throughout the day complement her do little thingsl like leave her brief love notes in strange places, give her flowers for no particular reason. Be creative. In short romance her. For most women sex begins longgggg before the bedroom. If I am wrong here I'm sure some of the ladies will correct me.


I already do all of that and then some. We have talked more and it feels normal again. I'm toning down the urge to be crazy and she is being really loving. 

It's been good the last week
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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

All I want to say here is - I am sure happy I am NOT a man who has to jump through all of these hoops to please some of these wives & get them interested & aroused (backing off, restraining the flirting, not getting carried away with too much touching affection or it would push them further away, but yet showing more Love & closeness & NOT expecting sex -or an erection!)- that would drive ME absolutely insane. I would have SO little patience for that. 

How in the world do you men manage ? Answer - you come to TAM and pour your hearts out. I feel for every one of you. I get irritated with my husband (sometimes) cause he doesn't care for as much WILDNESS as I would like. If I was a man, it would likely be a "curse", I have too much testosterone now. 

I can still "feel" for you -only getting it 2 times a week. Ha ha 

It sounds your schedules are a huge factor to me - 50 hours a week! Working out, she is in school! OH my!! 

I find it interesting YOUR drive has went UP all of a sudden, usually this goes the other way, men's slowly declining, hers climbing. Bummer. 

Yes, that book Enchantment listed about the Sex Drives is wonderful, it was one of the 1st books I bought in my frenzy to TURN my husband on more after my drive shot to the heavens- it helped give me MUCH understanding of how my husband is, the way he has always been -- and also myself , our differences. Very very workable. As I am sure yours is also, I have always identified with many of your posts on Marriage -feeling our stories , communication with our spouses was so similar. 


I would BET anything --you are the Erotic LOVER (why you WANT MORE -passionate - HOT ) and your wife is likely more Sensual- it is about the emotional. That would describe me & my husband also. 

I can tell you Erotics are the Harder to Please -because we LIKE it spicey! Variety! 

Here are the 10 Libido types it talks about :

1. Sensual 
2. Erotic
3. Compulsive
4. Dependent
5. Stressed
6. Disinterested
7. Detached
8. Addictive
9. Entitled
10. Reactive.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Sounds like you two have a good marriage. When I had low drive times, I found that I had to let the sexual tension build a bit in between sex acts. I think the suggestion about slow, sensual sex is good. If her love language is admiration, be sure to tell her how beautiful she is, how you love being married to her. 

Can you try different things, such as some times she gives you a hand job or blow job only? But she has to want to do this; it should not be pity sex. I did this because I wanted to please my husband, and I appreciated that he did not force me to do more when I wasn't in the mood. 

Emphasize the intimacy aspect of sex, that you want to feel close to her. Playfulness outside the bedroom fills her need for affection.

She sounds like she has an awful lot on her plate, and if she is too tired, she will not have any sexual energy.

I understand that at first this may seem like work, but once you are in the habit, it will feel natural.


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