# Separation May Be Next



## KiwiTeawi (Sep 7, 2013)

Two years ago my husband began to change. First he got a promotion, which was great but it added more work hours. Soon after he sadly lost a relative with whom he was really close and it made him realize it was time to rid some poisonous relationships he had. When he started to break down a lot, I suggested he speak to somebody but he refused. He said he would be fine and I believed him. 

Instead he became insecure and it became noticeable gradually. He would get angry and flustered so easily even with the smallest things like over a friend having to cancel plans or having to go back to the store down the block because he forgot one more thing. He also became possessive sometimes accusing me of not giving him enough attention or giving me a hard time in the rare occasion I did something without him. There were even two times where he got over the top angry and brought up divorce only to quickly take it back. That's another thing he does. After acting up, he always apologizes, says he realizes he was wrong, and goes straight to thinking of happy fuzzy times in the future like nothing happened. Sadly people have even witnessed this.

I have continued to beg him to seek counseling but he refuses. I have tried myself to pull out what is truly bothering him but I'm no psychologist.

The last straw was a month ago when he acted out on vacation with my family of all places accusing me of being distant and not giving him enough attention. I was livid because we had sex the night before this discussion and we would hold hands when we walked to places sometimes and took plenty of pictures together. I told him he was selfish especially to bring up anything on a vacation, one we spent months saving for. My family knew something was up because like a baby he put on a puss face. When we got home I broke down. As usual he apologized and said he was just expressing how he felt. Then he resorted to making fun plans for us for Fourth of July like nothing happened no matter in spite of me expressing how annoyed I was with what he did.

I reminded him every day of how wrong he was but it didn't make me feel better. When he and I were like two passing ships in the night due to our work schedules the following week it was the first time I felt better. I could finally think and not feel overwhelmed or smothered when the scary thought of separation, whether it led to reconciliation or divorce, entered my mind. I thought of all the what if's with it and even freaked out about it and mentally tortured myself over the thought of being away from all our pets.

I decided I would think about it more when the next day when we were both at work he began to overwhelm me with his typical happy future planning texts like going away just me and him in July if we both could get off and maybe selling our house for something better. I finally told him he had to stop and truly realize how much his actions affect me and everybody in our lives. I even warned him that people may no longer want to be around us. That really sent him in the deep end, but his reaction surprised me. He told me he was going to call a counselor. I didn't believe him, but sure enough the following week I was driving him to his appointment. I didn't go in with him staying in the waiting room and I didn't dare ask him what they spoke about, but he began to show a bit of his old self like being less clingy and didn't even give me a hard time when I went to meet a friend for dinner or relax to TV by myself in the bedroom before bed after a long day.

As of now and as far as I know he has no follow-up appointment. While I am glad he went to talk to somebody this doesn't excuse his behavior these past two years but it makes me want to put a hold on the thought of separating for a little while longer to see where this is going to go. It's almost like I have put him on probation. Am I wrong to do that? 

If things go back south, though, how do I tell him I want to separate? I've emotionally accepted it more but the thought still scares me a little bit. I truly love him, which is what makes it hard, and in spite of his behavior he has his good points. Couples fight but I feel like this emotional rollercoaster isn't normal.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

You just tell him until he gets the help he needs and shows improvement, you want to separate.

Or you can tell him he has ( however many months you deem enough) to start seeking therapy or you will be separating.

It is a hard subject to bring up, but once you do you will feel liberated.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

I was always a loving husband and loved to make my wife happy. All of a sudden I was quick to anger and not being very nice. I spoke to my doc who said I was showing some symptoms of depression and put me on antidepressants. They worked and worked well. Now I am back to being a very loving husband. I had no idea that depression could manifest itself like that. I thought it would be sitting around looking depressed. I learned a lot about depression since then. Therapy is a very long process that can take a year or more. Some keep on going their whole life. One visit is not going to change your husband. He may be trying harder but no one is a miracle worker to the point of curing someone in one visit. Keep an eye on him. We are married for 44 years and have had our ups and downs. There were times when I just didn't want to be married anymore and many more times that I could not imagine not being married. 

To tell the truth, going on vacation with your parents was a bad idea given the background you described. Very bad idea. Your husband must have felt like it was him against your entire family. I moved away from my family as soon as we married. I put 2,500 miles between us so there was just me and my wife. A family tends to side with their child, not their spouse. You may have not noticed anything but I bet that your husband did. I cannot even imagine going on vacation with my wife's family. I would be grumpy and annoyed too. Good luck and hope it works out for you. Always remember to put your husband before the rest of your family and vacations should be a time for you two to connect away from the stress of your everyday life, not to go to a family reunion with your wife's family. I may be wrong and I sometimes am, but I have seen lots of marriages go south when the wife or husband puts their family in the middle of their marriage. Especially if they live near then or with them. Hope it works out for you.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Why not ask him from your heart how his session went and if he would like to share anythng with you. If he declines you could ask if he is going again. If he say no ask him why. If he say he good now after only one session comunicate that although you are pleased with him going your skepitical that one session could help him.


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## KiwiTeawi (Sep 7, 2013)

Thanks for everybody's responses. 

To clarify one thing regarding our trip. When the opportunity first came up along time ago I was ready to decline given our last trip. My husband was the one that was more interested and it wasn't a case of my family versing him. He just childishly started to mope and all they asked him a couple of times was if he was okay and pretty much didn't get more involved than that. 

I agree that one session of counseling certainly is not enough. I will say that whatever advice hew as given he has been doing, but I really am hoping he goes more in the future. I did ask a little about his session and surprisingly he shared a couple of things. I'm trying to remain faithful that this is salvageable but given the circumstance I'm keeping my heart guarded and ready to say it's time to separate if he deters from this path.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

My wife had counseling. From 1979 until 1987. About once a month, if I recall. So about a hundred sessions. She had a certified clinical psychologist at first, then two psychiatrists.

Mary suffered from panic attacks, which only happened while I was at work, so there is no comparison, except the fact counseling was involved. 

I have very little knowledge of what they ever talked about. I have never asked. She volunteered a few things over the years. One of the things she volunteered is that it's none of my business.

I was invited to two sessions over the years. One with the psychologist, and one with one of the shrinks. The sessions were to inform me of things I was to accept which were not likely to change, and were actually only peripheral to why she was in counseling. Otherwise my job was just to be patient and wait. 

No idea if any of this helps, but maybe. It was a long, long process, that was for sure.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

I am genuinely perplexed as to why so many people enter into marriages, taking solemn vows when they have no intention of actually adhering to them.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

WilliamM said:


> My wife had counseling. From 1979 until 1987. About once a month, if I recall. So about a hundred sessions. She had a certified clinical psychologist at first, then two psychiatrists.
> 
> Mary suffered from panic attacks, which only happened while I was at work, so there is no comparison, except the fact counseling was involved.
> 
> ...


So how did that work out for you? Are you happily married? Don't you care/interesred in her problems. Don't you feel as a husband you should be in the loop? 

Just courious I guess but.........I think I would have a need to know more. Kinda like if your partner had cancer I want to know and be envolved in the trearments and dr app etc.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Psychological counseling is a very private issue. The patient will include their spouse if they wish to. The spouse should have enough respect for the patient to allow that.

My wife and I are happily married. No, I do not know any more about her sessions. No, I do not pry into what they talked about. If my wife wants to talk to me about it some day, she will.

There may be many issues a person might not even go into with a counselor if they knew their spouse was going to hear about it. While I believe my wife would share anything with me, I never demand she do so. If she has secrets from me, about her life, her childhood, her family before I met her, that is her business. 

Sometimes she will say things that give me a slight glimmering of what she went through in her life before she found me. She knows I will accept anything she says, and I will hold her and comfort her. Sometimes we cry together. But I will never pry. I will never ask her anything. Everything is on her terms. That is how it should be.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

As a thread-jack: 

I did learn some things about my wife. 

The two sessions I was invited to were about side issues I was concerned about, but which the counselors pretty much said could not be fixed, and they and my wife asked me if I could accept her as is, damaged goods.

My wife is very submissive. Extremely so. It bothers me. She wasn't like that when I met her, I thought. She gave herself to me, completely. The counselor said that's the way she is, offered no explanation, and said I should be happy and accept the gift of my wife's total obedience, and just be the wonderful caretaker my wife says I am. Very weird, but it is what it is. 

My wife is a compulsive liar. I caught her lying several times. The shrink offered this: When Mary was very young she was told to never lie, and punishment for a lie was fairly brutal, even for the 50's. Sometimes she was questioned mercilessly, and if she said one wrong thing she was beaten with a belt, and sometimes had her mouth washed out with lye soap. The truth meant nothing. She had to tell them what they wanted to hear. Every question was just a trap. My wife learned to lie to survive, and she learned to never talk. Still today, after we have been married for 43 years, sometimes when I ask her a question she will start shaking with fear. 

And that is not the worst of what happened to her. 

I love my wife a great deal more than I care to get any answers. I can wait until she wants me to know.


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## KiwiTeawi (Sep 7, 2013)

WilliamM, I know nothing about counseling so that was interesting and helpful. I certainly would be willing to be patient if he chose to really follow up. I asked the other day if he was willing to follow up if he felt low and he said maybe, but that he didn't foresee feeling down in the dumps. Only time will tell I guess.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

It sounds to me like your husband may have some kind of mood disorder, such as bi-polar disorder or maybe anxiety disorder. He needs to get checked out by a qualified medical doctor or psychiatrist.


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## KiwiTeawi (Sep 7, 2013)

I have thought to same, particularly regarding anxiety and depression. It's so frustrating because I have begged him to see a doctor and he has refused all this time. When he went to that one counseling session, I was shocked because he swore he never would see a counselor because he didn't need one.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

KiwiTeawi said:


> I have thought to same, particularly regarding anxiety and depression. It's so frustrating because I have begged him to see a doctor and he has refused all this time. When he went to that one counseling session, I was shocked because he swore he never would see a counselor because he didn't need one.


Then you put your foot down. Tell him he goes and gets evaluated, or he gets to be separated from his wife and kids and possibly divorced. You are not required to put up with this garbage from him. Just working and providing for his family is not enough. He is there to treat you like a human being and be a good role model for his children. He cannot do that if his brain chemistry is off.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Seems like you've already decided to separate. You aren't giving him much of a chance to meet your demands, heck he doesn't even know what they are. You're expecting total transformation in a short time and that's unlikely to happen.


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## KiwiTeawi (Sep 7, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> Then you put your foot down. Tell him he goes and gets evaluated, or he gets to be separated from his wife and kids and possibly divorced. You are not required to put up with this garbage from him. Just working and providing for his family is not enough. He is there to treat you like a human being and be a good role model for his children. He cannot do that if his brain chemistry is off.


Thanks so much. We don't have kids, but I really want him to get evaluated because if he doesn't address what makes him tick I worry about the future. I've done everything I can but I can't be a punching bag all the time.


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## KiwiTeawi (Sep 7, 2013)

jb02157 said:


> Seems like you've already decided to separate. You aren't giving him much of a chance to meet your demands, heck he doesn't even know what they are. You're expecting total transformation in a short time and that's unlikely to happen.


No, it's not that. I have just emotionally accepted the option if it needs to come down to that. He knows my demands. I have been begging him to take care of himself for almost two years and he has only gotten worse. Now that he saw the counselor once I see that he has made an effort and the other day he even said he wants to go to marriage counseling, which I posted about under the appropriate forum. To me this is all good news and I'm a realist knowing that time will tell.


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