# Chemistry and pickiness



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Reflecting on my past relationships/FWBs, I've noticed that my ability to relate to the ladies is rather well... limited. Since seperation out of perhaps 500 women that I've met, I have found 0 that I found chemistry with, compared to my exs years ago (2 in particular from 16 to 21), and 3 more (1 too old for me, and the other 2 were taken)

Looks wise they were all fine, but personality... no "click"
Now sure, throughout my early 20s I was married, but now in my late 20s, I have no idea what's going on.

As a result I settled with FWBs, and settled with dating a FWB (a bad mistake) due to familiarity, friendship, but without a strong romantic spark. I've been using the same standard that I used when I was young; no spark, no relationship.

I have met three women that I could click with, and spend hours with, but one is too old, and the other 2 were taken and I had to draw the line with both lest we end up in an emotional affair. I am good friends with their boyfriends so not going there. In the end we're all close friends.

The 0% success rate finding a match (who is single) since seperation is getting to me, and its rather depressing over the years. It's robbed me of hope of even finding a match, another reason why I'm resorting to sticking to FWBs and a fleshlight (once it arrives, bah!).

To reaffirm my ex-wife back in the day I always told her that she has no competition and she shouldn't be jealous/possessive when other women talk to me. I meant it... ironically I still mean it. I really don't know what to do anymore.

Am I just picky? Or just fked?


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

I guess it comes down to what exactly is the "click" you are waiting for.

Going through a divorce and being out on the market for a while can make us jaded and use certain filters that may disqualify anyone that you see as a potential issue.

Problem is, everyone has issues...so I guess my advice would be to continue your sober look at your potential candidates and ascertain what things are feel like are acceptable faults/traits that you can have patience to work though as well as sort out the "no ways".

It may be...and I think I will struggle in this area too...that having a marital heartbreak, something you invested so much into, is something you are very reticent to ever have to go through again. Thus, you are being very selective about committing on that level again.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well, that's one side of it, but for me it's mostly the raw chemistry;

You know, when you could spend hours talking to each other, when you are thinking something and the other says it first, when you say the same thing at the same time, when you feel at ease with the other person, when you are genuinely surprised, when you admire the other...



Whatever issues aside... all of the above; it's "wavelength"... I can't find it anymore for some reason.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I had that with x2, RD. ETA: Well, I thought I did. Ha! ee. You want that along with the sexual chemistry, right? That's not easy to find. It's everyone's goal. You aren't alone. You aren't alone in any of what you posted. Both men and women deal with this. It's why some fight so hard to keep something they have found that isn't quite perfect, but is darn close in our mind or we think we can handle the issues and maybe find out we couldn't.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

And this is the one thing that keeps me looking back at my ex especially now...
Despite all our issues, despite all the pain...


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Sounds like you might still be hung up on your ex. That would get in the way of moving on with someone else.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

So sorry. I didn't mean to bring those feelings up for you.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

It should be, and I've got a long way to go, but I know, it should be fun and exciting to meet and talk with someone new. It should be something you look forward to doing. 

Have you talked to a counselor about these feelings? I...for some reason, I get the feeling there is something about how unique she was because of her childhood/background. Don't know how to put that, but I can't get that out of my head that she rocked your world in ways no one else wants to or has an inkling of how to do and you can't tell them, and it was precisely because of how effed up she was, which was lovely effed up to you. Make sense? I am wondering if you need to get that part of you in the open and see if there is something you need to fix because of what you came to like, which you had no clue you would? So hard to be respectful and not too confusing. I can't help with that, only tell you what I see. If I am mistaken, I apologise.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

lifeistooshort said:


> Sounds like you might still be hung up on your ex. That would get in the way of moving on with someone else.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Only because no one has yet even come close to striking me the same way she did. On the very first meeting the sparks were flying, the chemistry was very strong. Why can't I find the same anymore? I've been trying to settle with whatever I can get nowadays.



2ntnuf said:


> It should be, and I've got a long way to go, but I know, it should be fun and exciting to meet and talk with someone new. It should be something you look forward to doing.
> 
> Have you talked to a counselor about these feelings? I...for some reason, I get the feeling there is something about how unique she was because of her childhood/background. Don't know how to put that, but I can't get that out of my head that she rocked your world in ways no one else wants to or has an inkling of how to do and you can't tell them, and it was precisely because of how effed up she was, which was lovely effed up to you. Make sense? I am wondering if you need to get that part of you in the open and see if there is something you need to fix because of what you came to like, which you had no clue you would? So hard to be respectful and not too confusing. I can't help with that, only tell you what I see. If I am mistaken, I apologise.


Yes, she was unique, she's seen parts of the world that very few have seen, parts of the world that I lived through as well. We could relate to each other, confide in each other, we became best friends for the sole reason that I was with someone else at that time - even though it was abit of an "emotional affair"

When we finally became lovers I was completely in love with her, enough that once the baby bells rang I had no problems with marrying her.

She was a soulmate, second soulmate I found after my first girlfriend (who also came from the same "world"). All the women I meet are so straight-edged and at the same time I've already dealt with the issues of my childhood to become a fully legitimate and successful adult, I can't just date a woman with issues. Ex-wife had her issues but she too pulled herself out of the mess she was in. That we had in common.

I don't know...


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Second soulmate? I'm beginning to understand that soulmates are based upon chemicals that are manufactured during our time with someone. When there are many that are good, she becomes our soulmate. Trouble is, that means there can be another, just not the same. Will she be better? Will she inspire greatness? Will she complement or just compliment? Life is full of near impossibilities we make possible. I know you built one heck of a good life out of near ruin. Is it all in the pride of what you accomplished that makes it great, in the work alone or what? I think it is similar in relationships. We put so much into them, we don't want to lose and can't see how things will ever be that good again. I think it's an illusion that they were that good. I think our feelings(chemicals) fool our brains and it's an addiction we don't want to let go. 

Although, we have to be so vulnerable and open to a near stranger who can rip us to shreds, some find the strength to push on and enjoy what they can from each possibility. I hope to have that strength and ability some day. I know you do.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Doesn't mean I'd like to do it, anyone can swim through a river of sh-t but no one likes to do it lol

For me, soulmates means chemistry strong enough to set the person apart from the rest. But that's just me. Then again, I consider the women I actually loved as soulmates, which well, only ended up to be... two.

Ex-GF I had some feelings for but it's not strong. I was depressed when I dumped her but I got over her very fast. She just didn't strike the chords that need to be struck. Meh... I'm fked


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I wouldn't say you're fked. I'd say you're stymied. I'll let someone else give you a 2x4 or something. I don't have the strength today. I just know, you can and will find that soulmate, but even your ex would not be the same person you were married with and you know that. Doesn't mean she is better or worse. Doesn't mean you are compatible and doesn't mean you are not. You were, but you can't tell now. I'm starting to type jibberish. If I can think of a nugget of wisdom, I'll provide it.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

I think you fell in love when you were young. It's easier then. You are young and optimistic and longing for that special someone. Now you are divorced and trying to find someone with few issues. But as I see it, your continual FWB situations would be an issue for a lot of women. It let's you get a lot of what you need without having to put yourself out there. I think you need to stop that if you want to truly find her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I'm in total agreement with those who say that it's so much easier to fall in love at an earlier age like someone who's in college.

You're younger, more impressionable, more trusting, more thirsty for love, and for wanting that very first real relationship with "that special someone."

At my age, going out on dates is largely tantamount to going out on job interviews, and I find myself as well as my dates as being way too picky! With the guys, it's the questionability of the woman being good looking and intelligent; with the gals, it's inordinately something along the lines of the man being a GQ centerfold and the amount of money in his portfolio! And if he should have little to none of it in there, then largely consider him little more than SOL as a relationship prospect!

And call me old-fashioned if you will, but FWB really doesn't cut it for me either ~ because if I were going to do that, I may as well go out and hire myself a prostitute. Just having someone around as a "convenience-boink" with the mechanics of sex itself being little more than masturbation with just another warm body present doesn't really cut it for me either!

With very few exceptions, it's rather difficult to teach "old dogs" new tricks!*


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

> Just having someone around as a "convenience-boink" with the mechanics of sex itself being little more than masturbation with another warm body present doesn't really cut it for me either!


Me too. I had one for several months that tried to turn it into something more when her steady left the scene. I think this is true with most FWB's. There's a steady and a FWB or two or...and yes, I had a steady at the time as well as the FWB. No one was married, just to be clear. I don't think it works too well without a steady you want to take out and do couples things with. It's like an apprenticeship for how to cheat. I never did it again. Didn't have the opportunity and didn't want it.


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## What Are My Options (Mar 28, 2015)

Random thoghts for Randum Dude LOL

1. How long did it take you to find your ex? 
2. Have you given yourself the same amount of time for #2?
3. Isn't there a better pool of potentials at a younger age since more are available and more flexible?

4. Where are you looking?
5. Are you over her yet?
6. Where are you looking? 
7. Is that the same place you found her?
8. Are you being overly critical of your search experiences so far?
9. Do you acknowledge your new love will fall in your lap when you least expect it?

10. What's your rush? 
11. Can you figure out a way to enjoy the process of looking more with a different outlook?


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I hope you're thinking about this. You deserve to be happy. Don't give up, just take a look at things to see if they are realistic. Hang in there. You are a good catch for some woman, but she doesn't deserve to feel like you don't respect or want her. You'll find someone.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> Yes, she was unique, she's seen parts of the world that very few have seen, parts of the world that I lived through as well. We could relate to each other, confide in each other, we became best friends for the sole reason that I was with someone else at that time - even though it was abit of an "emotional affair"
> 
> When we finally became lovers I was completely in love with her, enough that once the baby bells rang I had no problems with marrying her.
> 
> She was a soulmate, second soulmate I found after my first girlfriend (who also came from the same "world"). All the women I meet are so straight-edged and at the same time I've already dealt with the issues of my childhood to become a fully legitimate and successful adult, I can't just date a woman with issues.


I think this is key to your struggles. You are looking for someone to relate to, someone who really gets you. Not just who you are now, but who you were back then. And that will be challenging. Not too many people jump worlds in the way that you have. Most either never see the underbelly at all, or if they have, are stuck in it.

You're having trouble because what you're seeking is rare. But it does exist.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Easier to fall in love when young? Well, when it comes to my first girlfriend sure... heck, and I never thought I would get over her until ex-wife blew my world away so many years ago. Still, both of them I still hold in high-esteem, the latter I'm in frequent contact with due to co-parenting.

I know what I'm seeking is rare but I can't really open up any other way, and when I can't open up... I won't be emotionally available, and hence - unwise for me to enter into relationships. Sometimes I just feel like I've already exhausted my share of soulmates-per-lifetime.

The FWBs I have is to pass the time, which has been years now since seperation. I tried to get into a relationship with my latest one with disastrous results, having broke her heart 2 days from V-day. We should have stayed friends with benefits.

As for finding my 3rd soulmate, I've put myself out there as much as I can last few years but it's getting depressing when what I'm looking for is nowhere to be found.


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

RandomDude said:


> Easier to fall in love when young?


Yes, there is.

When you're younger, you have no basis of reference by which to select a mate. 

Also, you will put up with an amazing amount of crap just to get your willie wet.

The older you get, the less tolerant for crap you have (unless you're somehow mentally maladjusted, such as have codependency issues. etc.)

I got married at 21, and was married for 17 years. I dated on and off and had several LTRs and one multi-year LTR. I didn't find anyone nearly suitable as a second wife.

Why? Because every women I encountered who met my numerous criteria for marriage material simply weren't. Those women I found who were well adjusted, didn't have numerous hangups or issues, and lack of severe baggage also had one other very important adjective attached to them: "married".

I met my current SO 7.5 months ago. This women meets all of my criteria, has zero hangups and no baggage. And no "married" attached next to her name. I tell her it took me 12 years to find her. And I mean it.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Twelve fking years?!


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

IMO, you're neither picky nor "fked." Let's say selective, knowing what you need to experience for it to work. The one that finally clicked for me was the nine hundredth and something contact, after innumerable first meets and short-term dating experiences. I was 45 at the time.

It sounds like others have pinpointed your problem. You haven't gotten over your ex, and are comparing everyone to her. Well, no one is going to be the same. They are going to be uniquely different, and you need to embrace the differences that make up a new person and relationship that may be even better than any in your past. Yes, you have to find someone with the chemistry and compatibility, but they exist. If anything, there will be more of them at your age than before, because they are truly becoming their adult selves and have a much better idea who they are. Do you know who you are now?


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Married but Happy said:


> IMO, you're neither picky nor "fked." Let's say selective, knowing what you need to experience for it to work. The one that finally clicked for me was the nine hundredth and something contact, after innumerable first meets and short-term dating experiences. I was 45 at the time.
> 
> It sounds like others have pinpointed your problem. You haven't gotten over your ex, and are comparing everyone to her. Well, no one is going to be the same. They are going to be uniquely different, and you need to embrace the differences that make up a new person and relationship that may be even better than any in your past. Yes, you have to find someone with the chemistry and compatibility, but they exist. If anything, there will be more of them at your age than before, because they are truly becoming their adult selves and have a much better idea who they are. Do you know who you are now?


Yep. RD, you will find more because you are young and there are more out there like you. As you get older, the pool shrinks for both men and women. We forget the other side of this and I liked what Odo said, too. Women have developed their own set of standards, if you will, or boundaries. They are looking for specific things in a man. So, it's very difficult to find someone, but it is not impossible. My opinion, the younger you are, the better chance you will not end up alone.

The other factor is the amount of knowledge you have gained from this site and all the work you have put in. It will help you find someone compatible. It will also eliminate many potential mates you would normally have given a chance. It's a double edged sword. Age is on your side. Your status in life is on your side. You have plenty of things on your side, so that widens the group that can potentially meet your boundaries. 

Just keep looking and enjoy women for who they are, whether they end up being who you are looking for or not. 

The more you know about how to handle stress and situations that might arise in interactions within marriage, the number of available women increases, also. Yes, that's sort of settling, but it really is just personal growth which didn't take place in the previous marriage. It's why I've said sometimes, even divorcees with children, will have to learn how to deal with their exes, because to be a decent parent and ex, you have to learn how to keep from fighting. 

This may actually be part of why you miss her. You are learning how to deal with her, man to woman from an objective stance rather than with the pressures of marriage. It can sabotage a good divorce. It can sabotage any possible new relationship. 

I could be way off, and others will let you know. So, I guess we need someone to give their experienced opinion.


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

RandomDude said:


> Twelve fking years?!


Yes.

When I first got divorced, I went through the typical bitter "I'll never do that ever again" stuff. It took me time to realize it was unhealthy, and in part, to heal myself and my own outlook.

I will also be the first to admit that this is an ongoing process, something I have to work at each and every day. It is very easy, especially reading all the negativity in this forum, to easily fall back down that rabbit-hole. One reason why I try to limit my participation to this sub-forum only, and even then, to take things with a grain of salt.

I have been divorced for 12 years. In that time, I have had several relationships of varying length. Each one has taught me things about what I do not want in a mate. I also had to learn about myself, because, now at 50, 38 when I was divorced, I was/am not the same person I was in my 20's when I was first married.

What I want in a mate was significantly different. While I may not have been overly "picky" about the women I was with while divorced, I quickly came to realize in most instances that, although I may have cared for the woman I was with, she was not going to be a woman I would marry. Of course, in some instances, early on, I was also not looking to get remarried, so it really didn't matter if a woman was marriage-material or not.

It took me time to realize there were things I missed, especially, the deep emotional connection, I can feel with a woman I am pairbonded to. 

That deep emotional connection will usually only occur if a woman is married to a man. A woman needs, among other things, to feel "secure" or "safe" in her relationship with a man to completely, unequivocally give herself to him. Without some form of "skin in the game", you often cannot achieve that level of connection with someone. If she is guarded with her emotions, she can never really give herself, including her heart, completely to you.

Naturally the same applies to men as well. This was again something I came to understand as I aged and desired to marry again.

So yes, I tell my SO it took me 12 years to find her. And I absolutely mean it. I also an 100% certain I will marry this woman. The story of how we met is here. We are also mature enough to understand we need to take our relationship slow, as a grad with a psych degree she understands relationships, the "honeymoon" period and the effects of PEA chemicals. We will not rush in to this, we will take our time, to ensure the love we feel for one another is true and genuine, something that will endure the tests of time and struggles we will face in life together. 

I have often told my SO is it necessary to "choose wisely". It takes time to learn about one another to do so. I also believe people need to marry at least once to learn what to do and not to do in a marriage, so they will (hopefully) get it right the second time.


From what you have shared in your post, I do not think you are abnormal, at least, assuming its all true. You are older now, theoretically wiser, and more in tune with what your needs are. You also know what you are unwilling to accept in a woman. These "boundaries" form the basis for your mate selection. Depending on how strict or lax they are, you will or will not easily find a mate. 

If my "boundaries" were I would only date Leslie Mann, then I would likely die alone.

The only thing I think may be unhealthy in your case is comparing other women to your ex. It is unfair to compare women to one another, because each is an individual in her own right. Instead, your experiences with women should form the criteria for selection, and apply those criteria equally to all women you meet. You can adjust the criteria over time based on your dating experiences as you evolve as a person yourself.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Leslie Mann....had to look her up...giggity. So many to choose from that will never want me, so many dreams to overcome and realities to accept. So much sadness, I think we owe it to ourselves to do all we can to be happy.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Which one seems more exciting:

OPTION *A*: An attractive woman that you really get along with but she is romantically unavailable.

OPTION *B*: An attractive woman that you really get along with but she is romantically awkward.

OPTION *C*: An attractive woman that you really get along with but while she is romantically available, she does not understand your career.

OPTION *D*: A semi-attractive woman your age that is available and is very interested in your career, and her career really compliments yours. Things are OK romantically, but the sparks are mild and not wild.

OPTION *E*: An extraordinary HOT young woman that is out of your league, but for some really strange reason she is very into you and always wants to rip your cloths off. Meanwhile she is very high maintenance and expects you to take care of her. 

OPTION *F*: An extraordinary HOT young woman that is out of your league, but for some really strange reason she is very into you and always wants to rip your cloths off. She is is very interested in your career, and her career really compliments yours, AND she makes more money than you.

I have spent a great deal of time programming a very sophisticated site that as soon as you know the answer, you click here to reveal the love of your life:

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3233/2738304525_b2c6a564cb.jpg​
Cheers, 
BadSanta


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

None of the above. I guess that would be G? Mine would be a combination of some of those and additional things not mentioned. So many different women out there, I can't believe those are average or majority/mainstream choices. I know I could be wrong, too.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Errr, how about Option G: A woman that I find attractive, strong chemistry, and that's it.

Don't care about maintenance costs, ex-wife was very high maintenance but she was a good wife - minus issues. Not to mention I don't care about the financial/career side either, it's a means to an end and doesn't affect who I am either than my time available. It's the chemistry that is most important, a semi-attractive woman becomes very attractive to me when the chemistry is strong.

When it comes to comparing my ex to my dates, I don't look for the same qualities she had but more I look for the way she makes me feel (that I compare to my experience with my ex(s) ), if she's different but with strong chemistry I would be all over her. Tis not bad no?

I don't know... but thanks for sharing your experiences, I guess I'll give it another 10 years before I give up (when I'm 40), I've already met/dated ~500, so I'll give it 5000 as well considering the pace I meet them.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I thought, when I first came here, that chemistry meant sexual attraction. I guess I am learning all the time. I got that definition here. I always thought it was more than just sexual attraction myself, similar to how you describe it, RD. 

But, with all of that RD, remember that you are changing every day in small ways, refining what you want and who is attractive. Every woman is attractive in some way. Some just don't meet criteria to pass the marriage boundaries, but they can influence what you find attractive and modify your boundaries in who you would marry. Likely won't drastically change anything, just modify.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> As for finding my 3rd soulmate, I've put myself out there as much as I can last few years but it's getting depressing when what I'm looking for is nowhere to be found.


Soulmates are funny creatures. They are rarely found where you expect them to be, and the more aggressively you hunt for them, the more elusive they are. 

They are just not your typical shopping list item, available at any grocery store. They are not just a matter of filling "criteria" and "standards" to greater or lesser degrees. They are unique, complex, and sometimes surprising in that they aren't always what you thought you wanted.

To find them, you need to stand still and keep a bit of an open mind about your expectations. 

And I agree, RD, one thing that is for sure holding you back is your tendency to compare every woman to your ex.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

RandomDude said:


> *I have met three women that I could click with*, and spend hours with, but one is too old, and the other 2 were taken and I had to draw the line with both lest we end up in an emotional affair. I am good friends with their boyfriends so not going there. In the end we're all close friends.


I think you're on track you just have to keep at it. Finding that right mix is tough.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> Am I just picky? Or just fked?


I think you worry too much about stuff. 

You've said repeatedly you want only sex with someone (FWB) so this 'chemistry' or wondering why it wasn't worked out in relationships with women seems a silly question.

You're not gonna meet someone you end up in a committed relationship with every day. Hell, you don't even want a committed relationship.

Just chill, dude. Enjoy your life. No pressure.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

RandomDude said:


> When it comes to comparing my ex to my dates, I don't look for the same qualities she had *but more I look for the way she makes me feel *(that I compare to my experience with my ex(s) ), if she's different but with strong chemistry I would be all over her. Tis not bad no?


 As simple as what you just said here.. It speaks so much.. when you find that RIGHT person that fits (even with the quirks & imperfections)..just there being there -uplifts you.. make you want to be a better person... would you say this was TRUE of your 1st love & your Ex ...I know you had authentic stretches of this...despite the sex obsession. 










I am thinking you are your own worst enemy when it comes to what you have lost, or let slip through your fingers with your ex...it's like she tried & tried with you.. but there came a point she was DONE.. and put up a iron wall.. is this about right ? 

So she has moved on ... found another , is she happy?? 



> I don't know... but thanks for sharing your experiences, I guess I'll give it another 10 years before I give up (when I'm 40),* I've already met/dated ~500, so I'll give it 5000 as well considering the pace I meet them*.


 they will continue to look the same...until you have resolved your own issues ... it's true what Jelly beans says.. you are all over the place.. you NEVER want another relationship, you are DONE.. then you do a thread like this ! 



> * Well, that's one side of it, but for me it's mostly the raw chemistry;
> 
> You know, when you could spend hours talking to each other, when you are thinking something and the other says it first, when you say the same thing at the same time, when you feel at ease with the other person, when you are genuinely surprised, when you admire the other*...


 this is attainable but it's not fully possible when vulnerability -with each other is stunted.. it's part of the amazing package. 



> *Always alone said:* *Soulmates are funny creatures. They are rarely found where you expect them to be, and the more aggressively you hunt for them, the more elusive they are.
> 
> They are just not your typical shopping list item, available at any grocery store. They are not just a matter of filling "criteria" and "standards" to greater or lesser degrees. They are unique, complex, and sometimes surprising in that they aren't always what you thought you wanted.
> 
> To find them, you need to stand still and keep a bit of an open mind about your expectations. *











...a few thoughts on soul mates.. many don't care for the word.. and many misuse it ......

I am all for the belief that ... certain people who enter our lives have a way that brings us to the mountain tops.. their presence brings us alive , give us hope, the way they love us makes us a better person.... when both feel this way.. it's something time , tested and true.. I would call these "soul mates"... .. 

Here is a post by another from an old thread... I was looking for the quote I put under it...



SScaterpillar said:


> Do you believe you two are truly soul mates?
> First, I'd like to explain my idea of "soul mates". I had a soul mate before. He was my everything. He was my best friend and he loved me with a passion that not many get to experience. I loved him the same. He came to me at a time where I was at a crossroads - I wanted to die. He taught me that I was worthwhile and a loving, wonderful human being. He effectively saved my life at that point. He was my angel. We dated for years as teens/young adults. We broke up with much upset, because we knew our religious differences would only lead us to resentment. We still continued to see each other every day and continued to be best friends. Two months later, he was killed in an accident. I know that I wasn't meant to be his wife, but he most certainly was a soul mate. I do believe he was my angel.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Everyone's entitled to be picky. It's only when you're left lonely and alone with your 12 cats that it's a problem. We're told over and over and over and over by women that no one should 'settle'. Ok then. Be picky.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Runs like Dog said:


> Everyone's entitled to be picky. It's only when you're left lonely and alone with your 12 cats that it's a problem. We're told over and over and over and over by women that no one should 'settle'. Ok then. Be picky.


Did you ever notice it's the folks who are most attractive and have the most choices that are the most vociferous? Of course they can be extremely picky. I think it's a sliding scale with some basic solid boundaries and an awareness of one's own limitations.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

RandomDude said:


> I have met three women that I could click with, and spend hours with, but one is too old, and the other 2 were taken and I had to draw the line with both lest we end up in an emotional affair. I am good friends with their boyfriends so not going there. In the end we're all close friends.


I'm a little stunned that this hasn't occurred to you. Obviously, when you were a baby your mother read The Three Bears to you every night. One is too soft, the other too hard, then every time the "just right" one comes along, something bad happens and shoots it all to heck. You're afraid to choose.

Plus, it IS easier to find someone when you're young. Picture yourself in a college classroom, or even HS. The possibilities are everywhere. 
Looks? Just peaking.
Personality? Pliable, and seeking to please
Optimism? Check.
Prison records, scars, addictions, stretch marks, bankruptcies, psych history, dangerous ex BF/GF, STDs, bald spots, cellulite? Minimal.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Just a couple things, dude.

I was in a similar place. Divorced, dating like crazy, f-ing like crazy...

And yet, even the hot, sexy babes I was just "meh" about.

Until, one day, I was 'over' my wife and didn't have the need to date or f around.

Then, magically, about a week later, I met my new wife.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

When it comes to FWBs; When I date, I see how it goes and see if she's GF-material, F-material, or FB-material (After a few months FB-material may turn to FWB-material, like what happened with ex-GF) It's mostly been the latter two, even the former I've been trying to "settle" but results weren't so good (like with ex-GF)

The reason why I don't want a relationship is because I can't find anyone worth having a relationship with due to the sheer lack of chemistry - hence I keep keeping them in the friend zone or just fk them casually.

As for my first gf she kept me from going completely bonkers after childhood abandonment. We only split due to circumstances beyond our control. My ex-wife changed me from a man with no vision straight off the streets to a man successful financially and reputably. They both made me a better person in their own way.

Ex-wife is done, she's had enough. There's nothing left between us and recently testing the waters there's nothing there for me with her anymore. I have to move on, but there doesn't seem to be anything left with anyone anymore either. In truth though - if there was anything left between ex and I, I've come to the point where I may entertain the idea of reconciliation considering how much she has matured not to mention it's best for our daughter. But its too late. 

Maybe one day I'll find someone but hope is fleeting. It's been several years and looks to be several more.


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## Aspydad (Oct 17, 2013)

The last time I played the field was way back in the early 80s back when I was in college. Married now for 26 almost 27 years so I can only imagine what it would be like out there at my age now.

What I imagine is (and I could be wrong) is that it would still be the same for me as my base personality has not changed. I was very picky who I went on dates with - my friends would try to set me up sometimes and I would say no to going out with some girls who were perfectly acceptable - but just did not do it for me from a first glance type of thing. Went on one blind date - and it was just the worst experience ever - this girl was just did not fit the bill for me - even though logically, I could see she was attractive.

It is certainly an entire different thing with regards to chemistry - I can remember back all the girls that I dated - everyone was very beautiful in my mind - but, I only fell in love twice - and only once did the girl love me as well - this was my wife. So out of about 10 girls in a five year period - I only had true chemistry twice (20%) and had the girl love me back - 10%. 

Since I am a statistical kind of guy - one in five girls that I am visually attracted to, would I actually have chemistry with - and 1 in 10 may have chemistry with me. So if you consider that at my age now - 52 - the playing field would be much smaller for my given geographical location - most likely would take a long time to find someone - and even more so given the fact that if I lost my wife for whatever reason - I would be crushed and probably would take a couple of years just to open up enough to even have a chance at finding another women.

So - my guestimate - 5 to seven years to find someone new - for me anyway. Certainly would require patience and persistence - but, I am not one who wants to be alone so I do believe that I would persevere.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

1 in 10 would be a good number, for me my profession and lifestyle allows me to meet alot of folks. However the chemistry rate is around 1 in 1000


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Supposedly this just happens out of the blue when you least expect it. This is what my friends tell me anyway. I've felt it once with my x wife when we met young but not since. Maybe that type of connection only happens once?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

That's what I'm afraid of, as if I've exhausted my share of soulmates-per-lifetime. I remember when I was younger people said you are lucky if you even meet a soulmate-a-lifetime, some people don't even find them.

I've already met two... so what are the odds of a hat trick before I get older and get so used to a single lifestyle that I can no longer have a relationship?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

RandomDude said:


> That's what I'm afraid of, as if I've exhausted my share of soulmates-per-lifetime. I remember when I was younger people said you are lucky if you even meet a soulmate-a-lifetime, some people don't even find them.
> 
> I've already met two... so what are the odds of a hat trick before I get older and get so used to a single lifestyle that I can no longer have a relationship?


But how can that be? How can they be your "soulmate" if you aren't with them? If issues kept you apart I would argue they were never your soulmate to begin with.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Even if one finds a soulmate, takes effort to hold onto them, otherwise you will lose them. Soulmates for me doesn't mean "together forever" or whatever, it just means someone I can actually click with.

Perhaps it's so rare for me hence I call any woman I fall in love with - soulmates.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

You know when it will be that you find her? Like others posted, when you stop looking. It isn't that you stop looking. It's that you are comfortable with who you are, which gives off a sense of confidence. You aren't necessarily confident. You may just have given up. Even in that "giving up", it allows women who aren't going to put on a show for you to come find you and be themselves. They may have stayed away before because they weren't going to be someone they are not. Now, with you relaxed and feeling good in your own skin, or so it appears, you will allow them in, and they are usually the ones who take it seriously.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I'm always myself and confident with women, chemistry still doesn't happen. Dates sure, fks sure, but that's it. I've always been honest not to lead them on either, hence when there's no chemistry (like 100% of the time) I just tell them straight up I'm only interested in casual sex and nothing else.

Everyone always says it happens when one stops looking, I believed it once - I wasn't looking for ex-wife when I found her, as I was with someone else! Still... considering how rare she turned out to be, it seems rather spoiled of me to even dare to ask for another miracle. 

So many people spend their whole lives without someone, others settle with whatever they can get... who am I to ask for someone to love yes? First world issues, as they call it...

*sigh*

I'm still young, fit, attractive, and successful, looking at myself I'm proud of the man I became from the boy I used to be in my youth. I go out and there's always second looks, I go for dates and they are always impressed (if I open up), but yet... I can't find anyone that can make me feel the way my exs did in terms of chemistry.

At this point of time if my ex-wife out of the blue tells me we should give it another shot I would. Because the truth remains that I have no where else to go, but back to her, or live out my life alone as I am not comfortable settling for anyone.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

*sigh* Though going back to my ex is kinda "settling" too isn't it? In a way... BAH!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You are in a battle of wanting FWB and then talking about a relationship. Those things are not the same. You say you don't want a relationship but then you post about how you can't find someone worthy of a relationship. You don't seem to know what you want. It's a constant theme in your posts.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

You are correct, it is an ongoing battle.

Deep down what I've always wanted was what everyone else wants in a relationship. As such, going for FWBs has always been the alternative but I learnt how to become content with it, justifying it with my many disappointments.

The more I justify what I am doing the more the voices that desire companionship actually get blocked out. Sometimes it's just more rational to eat the scraps on the table to survive than to wait for a meal that may never come.

One day, one voice will win out. But not today...
Regardless I have to ask these questions


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