# Just not sure...



## cap32 (Sep 8, 2009)

I do love my husband, I really do.
But that doesn't mean that our relationship is without it's problems.

I just don't know if I'm the problem or if he is, or if it's worth ending the marriage over, if I'll regret it, if I'll rejoice over it. I'm just so confused. Any insight or comments are so welcome. I need some perspective.

Some of the issues:


1. I'm stifled:
I feel like no matter how I try to approach a discussion, it just ends up in a fight, and it's gotten to the point where I just feel like he doesn't really want to know what I think or feel if it's anything other than positive. We are married, but not really friends since I have no way to voice my own thoughts. 

Even if I try to approach it as a general way that I feel, with no accusations or indications that he is the cause for the issue, he immediately takes everything personally and gets pissed off.

2. He's Co-Dependent:
I realize this probably means that I'm sort of codependent too, or we wouldn't be together. But I mean, he can't go one second without me, and it's suffocating me. If I say anything about it, he whines and acts so hurt that I end up backtracking. Literally, if I go 20 minutes without answering the phone or being available, he starts acting like I'm in a wreck or something happened to me. I have ZERO time that is not monitored by him under the guise of "caring." If I bring it up, it's like, "What's wrong with a husband that loves and thinks about his wife all the time? Tons of women would kill for that kind of dedication." 

Seriously though....for example, a few weeks ago I was at my son's basketball game (not our son...I had him before my husband), which went into overtime and lasted 20 minutes longer than planned. Since my phone was in my purse, I didn't see my husband calling. So when I come out of the game, only a mere 20 minutes later than planned, he's waiting in the parking lot in his car because he was "worried" about me. I got really pissed off because I'm a damn grownup, and it felt just weird that he was sitting there waiting. Okay, maybe worry just a bit, but honestly, I'm not a 2 year old. I think I can handle myself at a 7th grade basketball game and make it out alive.

There are a million examples of similar behavior, that's just the most recent.

Because of the codependence, it's just impossible for me to have any independent friendships, so #1 is just impossible to mitigate without outlets outside of the marriage.

Along that same thread, slowly but surely all of my previous friendships have died off because it's hard to have a friendship of any kind with zero time, shared experiences, or private conversations ever taking place! This includes my previously VERY close relationships with my sisters, who I only see and talk to around birthdays and holidays now.


3. I'm exhausted:
I had one kid and he had 2 when we met. None together. We both work full time. He simply works and comes home...that is the extent of his daily life. I work, deal with the kids, do all the cleaning, do all the cooking, do all the planning of activities and coordination, do the bills, just all of it. 

We've had numerous discussions where I've told him that I don't think it's okay that just because we are now married, he just pushes it all off on me. 

Before we were married, I told him very clearly that I will not be working full time and still be the one responsible for all the household issues, and in fact listed similar issues as the reason for leaving my son's father years earlier (we weren't married though). If he wants me to be responsible for all of that alone, then I will not work; if I am expected to work, then those daily upkeep items will be a joint effort. He agreed with that plan, but just in theory. The reality of it is that I do all of that, and work. I just have nothing left in me, and everything I do is half-ass as a result. 

I didn't sign on for this. I signed on for a team, and instead I'm the head coach, the team captain, and the star player.

I'm always reminded of an episode of the Simpsons, where Homer thinks to himself: Everyone is getting to do what they love today. Flash to Homer golfing, Bart skateboarding, Lisa playing her sax, and Marge at home cleaning up after everyone.

It's like he thinks that because I spend every single weekend doing hours of laundry (5 people's laundry is a LOT), and cleaning that it's my hobby.


4. Sex:
Because of the issues above, I just don't want him. I'm a very sexual person, but dang, it's hard to feel sexy toward someone when you have to treat them like your 12 year old. I don't want to have sex with someone that I have to take care of in the same capacity as my children. I've tried to explain that the mothering aspect of our relationship is killing my desire, but he's in complete denial that it even exists, and alawys blames it on PMS, as if I never have any valid issues that are actually real. 

His response is that the chores around the house shouldn't have anything to do with sex, and doesn't understand that as a woman, sex is not just separate from everything else like it is for a man....it's all interrelated.

5. Support in General:
I just can never have a weak day. Ever.
Trying to be healthy? Trying to save money? Trying to get things done around the house? Anything...

It's all up to me to keep us on track. I always have to be the one to say, No, let's make this good decision instead. Always. I can't ever rest and just be easy going, because everything falls apart when I do.
It makes me feel like I'm all alone in everything...


So, in addition to all of the above, it's not all bad.
-He tells me I'm beautiful about 17,000 times a day.
-He always kisses me when he gets home and tells me another 17,000 times a day how much he loves me.
-We laugh a lot together.
-He's totally dedicated to me.


I just don't know if I can survive for the rest of my life with the issues above. I'm only 34...that's a long time. I think if it wasn't for his kids (which are now 15 and 12), and my son (12) and their relationships with each other, the decision would be easier because it wouldn't affect anyone else.


I mean, I can survive, obviously. But am I willing to just go on with these unsolved frustrations....endlessly stretching into the future? I just don't know...


I realize I've ventured into rambling territory now. Anyone have advice? Personal experience that could help me sort this out?

I've been feeling this way (off and on) for a few years; we've been together 8. I just don't know if it's a "tough it out and it will be worth it in the end" thing or a "get out now before you waste more of your time on it" thing...


help!


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## Suckerpunched (Jan 27, 2011)

Wow! That's a lot.

Have you started counseling (alone or together)?

The super controlling behavior is a bit of a concern to me, has he always been like this?


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## AlwaysThinkingMaybe (Jan 31, 2011)

Thank you for sharing this Cap32, and I completely can relate with you on several things you said, on others my situation is so very much different.

I recently purchased and have been reading this book: 
Amazon.com: It's Not Him, It's You!: How to Take Charge of Your Life and Create the Love and Intimacy You Deserve (9780756671877): Laura Berman: Books

Its been very thought provoking. I guess the real underlying question I have is, do you feel that with some changes, your H would still be the man you want to be with 10 years from now? 15? Do you think with some counseling things could adjust themselves to be closer to the marriage you want?


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## HoopsFan (Jan 13, 2011)

Hi Cap. You definitely have some legitimate complaints and it's definitely not fair that he doesn't help around the house with the cleaning, laundry, etc.

Does he have a very physically demanding or very stressful job that wears him out by the time he's home? Maybe a negotiation could be made whereas he gets a certain amount of time to relax and recover, but then you expect him to help out.

Reading your post I sense that there's alot of love in your marriage even though these issues wear at you. Have the two of you gone on a vacation alone together in a while? I'm thinking if nothing else it would be a relaxing break for you to be waited on and cleaned up after for a few days. My wife and I love cruises because it's total mindless, carefree living for 5-7 days.

Regarding being stifled, what if you put a night out with friends on the calender and tell him in advance, "this friday I'm going to dinner and a movie with my friends." You really do need your own friends and some independence from time to time.

I can't offer much help on the sex issue. My marriage is sexless for its own reasons and I've yet to figure out a great solution for that one.

You sound like a pretty good communicator. I was impressed that you explained to him that your parenting of him was hurting your sexual desire; I'd be floored if my wife communicated that clearly with me. The only suggestion I can make is to pick a good time and have an earnest talk with him during a non-confrontational moment when both of you are in good spirits. Explain to him that you love him, but you need his help around the house (and give a specific task that he can be the owner of).


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## cap32 (Sep 8, 2009)

Sorry for the initial post being so long....I'm bad about being wordy, so I'll try to shorten my replies from here out...

I (nor we) haven't gone to counseling. I've brought it up a few times, but it's generally in the midst of a fight, and gets forgotten once that fight is resolved. Or, he'll say, "Well, just air all your problems right now; what problems do you have?" and by the time I'm half way through the first sentence, the fight is on again. He's not fundamentally opposed to counseling, just doesn't think we need it because his only complaint is that we don't have sex as much as we used to.

In the beginning, all the attention from him was amazing! I had been doing the single mom thing for 4 years, and dated non-committal guys here and there (mostly sex-only psuedo-relationships on my weekends when my ex would have my son - just to fill the loneliness).

It was awesome to meet someone that wanted to spend serious time with me, called and showed up when they said they would, and was committed to developing a serious relationship. Plus, he had kids of his own, and I felt that was a bonus that he would understand the tug and pull of life after kids.

Hindsight being 20/20, I remember him pressuring me into moving in before I felt ready.

Our first ever argument was me saying in passing one day (about 2 months into our relationship) that I was concerned that I was involving him in my (then 4 year old) son's life too soon, and wondered if I was doing the right thing. He got so offended and upset by that comment.

Other early indicators included snide "gawd, you're so independent" remarks, when I would do something like lift something heavy, or other typical "guy" stuff. I thought it was very chivalrous then, however. 

So, I guess the short answer to your question about his controlling behavior is "yes" he's always been that way.... but I didn't realize it was controlling then... I was just amazed to have met someone who was really into the relationship and not playing games, and someone that thought so highly of me.




He's not a bad person, by any means. Though I do have other complaints I didn't voice in my OP (heh, you thought THAT one was long...). He's wonderful in so many ways. 

I could see us being together forever. I just wish he would be independent a bit, and let me do that same. I wish I didn't have to hear him get all sad and weepy feeling, when for example, I hang up on our phone call because I've arrived at my destination. 

He doesn't SAY he's upset, but just acts hurt or something, and I'm like WTF? I'm at work, what do you want from me?

I'm extremely giving, and hold a lot back considering his feelings all the time, but sometimes it feels like he wants ALL of me, to posssess me, not to LOVE me for me. I'm just so tired.


Thanks for the book suggestion...gonna check it out.


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## cap32 (Sep 8, 2009)

His job is stressful some days (as is mine), and we are both worn out by the time we get home. He has said he will help out if I ask him to do things.

I know it sounds nit-picky, but it's simply faster to just do it. If I say, can you take out the trash? He says, in a minute. Then in 30 minutes, I'll remind him, hey, babe, can you take out the trash? "Just a minute I said." Well, geez, then by the third time I'm reminding him, I've just turned into a nag; and still end up taking it out myself because, well it's overflowing...

Plus, here's an example of how he "helps". On a recent weekend, when we were expecting company, I asked for his help to ready the house (3 kids, 2 dogs...this is no small task). He agreed to do our 2 bathrooms, and I would do the remaining 5 rooms in the house. I was ecstatic just for this offered help! Fast-forward to 7 hours and $500 later, he has decided to install beaded board in both bathrooms before he finishes cleaning them. I ended up finishing the painting of the new boards and cleaning the bathrooms myself before guests arrived. So....like I said, sometimes it's just easier (and cheaper) to do it myself. In my mind, he made up some project to avoid actually cleaning.

How perceptive of you with the vacation question! We live close to the beach and take many weekend trips there, but have never gone on a just the two of us vacation. Even our honeymoon was just in a nice hotel at our normal beach spot. Something to chew on for sure.


I would try the night out with friends thing....except I have no friends left.  

Our marriage is not sexless by any means... His complaints are more that it's not spur of the moment, that I'm not as into it as often, and that it's closer to once a week rather than once a day....

Thank you so much for the advice.


It really is very helpful to just hear other's thoughts on what I've shared. It's so easy to get just wrapped in my own thoughts on this, particularly because we had a rough couple of days recently.


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## HoopsFan (Jan 13, 2011)

Sometimes friends don't just plop in your lap, you have to be proactive and reach out to them. Church, in addition to being good for the soul, is a good place to meet friends too. And your friends that you lost do to disconnecting with them, are there any that you can call up and say, "hey, i don't know why we stopped doing stuff together - we used to have alot of fun. How would you like to go shopping/concert/dinner/whatever together this Saturday?" It doesn't have to be weird. Just start with something small that you think you'll both enjoy. Friends are so important to mental health. There are just some things that it's so nice to have a friend to talk about. 

I have good intentions, but listening during conversation is not natural for me. I'm always trying to think of something funny to say because I love to make people laugh, so I constantly get busted by wife for not listening closely to her. But she has a friend that talks to her on the phone and is a great listener and will listen to all of my wife's ridiculous stories about our cats. I'm sorry, I'm just not into cat stories - LOL. FYI, we have kids too - so no, we're not those people that think pets are our children


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## geneseeker (Feb 5, 2011)

Yes, yes, YES!!!!!!! Wow, did I post this in my sleep? I cannot believe the similarities between our marriages. I wish that I could offer some advice to you, but I suppose if I could I wouldn't be on this website right now! For you, I just hope that it is nice to know that you aren't the only one going through this. Everyone says that, but it's hard to believe when you're the one going through it. 

I told my H last week that we were over. He just lost it. Now I just don't know what to do, where to go. I am so terrified of making a mistake. We have only been married for a few months, together for 3 years. In the past two months, I have moved 1,000 miles away from my home, so I understand the no friends part of your story. It makes things so hard not to have anyone to talk to. My plan...get involved in SOMETHING. Heck, I don't even think I will care what it is, just something so that I can meet some new people. 

I laughed so hard about your bathroom cleaning fiasco. I promise, my H has done almost the EXACT same thing! Things are just easier to do myself, I totally get that! But, my H's part of that goes further than household chores. In stead of saving part of his check every month, he gets the amazing idea to just sell his truck. We can just use my car, right? AAAAHHHHH! 

I'm sorry that I have no answers for you. Maybe no one does, or it may be that there isn't a right answer. I wish you all of the luck in the world! If you need someone to talk to, send me a message. I'll be a pen pal friend.  Someone out there in this world knows how you are feeling.


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