# New to the group



## CCShel (12 mo ago)

Hello I'm new to this group, I just turned 50 this year and have been in my one and only marriage for 23 years but the last few years have taken their toll and he is not the same man I married all those years ago. I will always love him but I don't like who he's become the past few years. He retired four years ago and I thought that would mean we would enjoy life more. I still work but have time to do enjoyable things. It seems his plan for retirement consists of getting drunk and not leaving the couch everyday unless he's at the bar. We used to camp and travel and fish and enjoy life but that seems to be over now. My daughter and I now go camping alone, go in trips alone, go to family reunions alone because he doesn't want to do anything. I know there is definitely some depression involved but he refuses to get help. I've spent our marriage always being the one to ask how is your day, what's wrong, are you mad at something, why so grumpy, how are you feeling and never get anything in return. I honestly think if I disappeared tomorrow he would be more inconvenienced than sad. I never in my life imagined I would even be entertaining the idea of divorce but I don't know what other options I have at this point. Looking for any advice...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sorry you are going through this. People change over time, sadly sometimes not in a good way.

Does your husband do chores around the house or yard? Or do you do all of that?

Does he get drunk every day or most days? It sounds like he might be an alcoholic. If he's an alcoholic, there is not really much you can do to fix this until he wants to get help and stops all drinking. Sadly, if you file for divorce, that might be what it takes to shock him out of his misery.

If alcoholism is not a major issue, there are things that you can try.

What I'd suggest is that you set out a plan to work on the marriage and your relationship with him. And if after, say 6 months, he does not join you in improving things it would be time to file for divorce. Knowing that you did everything you possible could, would make a decision easier for you to make. But do set a time limit. It's very easy for years to slip by as we try to improve things. If he is lucky, he's wake up and join you in fixing things.

There are some good books that lay out a plan that has worked for a lot of people. The book Divorce Busting it a good one. It has a chapter on what to do you change your interactions with you husband to get him to wake up and join the relationship again.

Divorce Busting: A Step-by-Step Approach to Making Your Marriage Loving Again: Michele Weiner-Davis: Amazon.com: Books

If he breaks out of his current pattern and wants to work on the relationship, then there are two more books I highly suggest. The books for are you two to read the books together and do the work that they suggest. I've seen these books help a lot of couples rebuild their relationship.

Love Busters: Protect Your Marriage by Replacing Love-Busting Patterns with Love-Building Habits: Harley, Willard F. Jr.: Amazon.com: Books

His Needs, Her Needs: Building a Marriage That Lasts: Harley, Willard F. Jr.: Amazon.com: Books 

The idea for these two books is to read "Love Busters" first and you both do the work it lays out. Then after you both stop doing any love busters, you both read "His Needs, Her Needs". And again, you both do the work together.

You can of course post here on TAM and we will all be glad to give you support and any help we can.


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## CCShel (12 mo ago)

EleGirl said:


> Sorry you are going through this. People change over time, sadly sometimes not in a good way.
> 
> Does your husband do chores around the house or yard? Or do you do all of that?
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for the book suggestions will definitely check into them. On December 30th he drank a fifth of whiskey in 12 hours and did not come out of his room until January 1st, ruined Rose Bowl game plans and New Years Eve. He had checkup last week Dr. told him he had to stop drinking because his liver was shot and what did he do......went straight to the bar. Like I said I love him but I don't want to live like this anymore and our 17 year old daughter agrees, she hates seeing all of this.


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## CCShel (12 mo ago)

CCShel said:


> Thank you so much for the book suggestions will definitely check into them. On December 30th he drank a fifth of whiskey in 12 hours and did not come out of his room until January 1st, ruined Rose Bowl game plans and New Years Eve. He had checkup last week Dr. told him he had to stop drinking because his liver was shot and what did he do......went straight to the bar. Like I said I love him but I don't want to live like this anymore and our 17 year old daughter agrees, she hates seeing all of this.


We have had separate bedrooms for years and no intimacy for about a year and a half


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

that is a lot of liquor!
not sure how to proceed for you, but i think joining one of those Alcoholics Anonymous support groups for spouses is a good first step. this is not rocket science, they have seen it all before and have a plan that is proven to work in these cases.

My entire retirement entertainment plan is to road trip all over America and Canada (and covid had been really messsing with THAT plan lately), BBQing lots of meat on my new grill, and learning how to tell a good wine from a bad one. My wife was doing volunteering work that meant, along with the covid, that the road tripping had to wait until January. well January 1st came along and i made it pretty damn sure she understood that we needed to get back traveling, and any volunteering work she had planned was a distant 10th in our priorities.

Maybe you can get him interested in PLANNING a road trip somewhere....maybe to one of the national parks? if he puts in the effort to plan it, he might be shamed into actually executing the plan. then on the road, make sure he does not bring any hootch!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There's a very good support group for people who are dealing with an alcoholic. Al-Anon helps a person learn how to not enable the alcoholic and perhaps encourage them to get the help they need and get their alcoholism under control. Both you and your daughter would benefit from attending Al-Anon and getting their help. Alcoholism is a family problem.

Al-Anon Family Groups - Al-Anon members are people, just like you, who are worried about someone with a drinking problem.

And here I go with yet another book recommendation. People who live with an alcoholic (or any addict of any substance) have a behavior patterned call "codependent". They change their behavior in a way to try to contain the problems caused by the addicted spouse, which never works in the end. Basically, the codependent spouse ends up scarifying their own needs to try to meet the needs of the addict and in the end, it destroys the codependent spouse too. In your case it's affecting your daughter as well.

Are you familiar with idiom "_finger in the dike"? It's_ from a story about a boy who stops a dam from cracking by plugging a hole with his finger. If he pulls his finger out, the dam will break. The story is about stopping a problem before it grows unstoppable.

This is where you are at.











The book is Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself Signed: Beattie, Melody: Amazon.com: Books

If I were you, I'd read this book first. His alcoholism and your codependency are the biggest problems you have?

The author, Melody Beattie has several books on the topic. This is her original book. The idea she puts out is that the codependent spouse becomes a controlling spouse... trying to stop the proverbial dam from breaking. You need to let go of this and put your focus on yourself and your daughter. Take care of yourself and your daughter. Your husband will most likely wake up once he does not have you to clean up after him.

It's called tough love.


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