# Your spouse wants out but you don't



## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

If you're in a situation where it looks like things are just not good, and there seems to be no hope for the relationship to last, and its your spouse who wants out but you don't, what are some things that you feel keeps you from letting it go, and accepting it? What makes you want to remain with someone who doesn't want you or the marriage? 

If you have no kids or your kids are grown, and finances isn't the issue, then exactly what are you holding onto and what is it that makes you want to remain in it, if your spouse has clearly stated they want out?


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## kazz13 (May 23, 2011)

Love


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Fear of change? Not ready to give up?


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> Fear of change? Not ready to give up?


I was at this point once upon a time.

Then I had finally had enough. After years of beating my head against a wall, I woke up and realized I loved myself too. I realized that even though I may have loved my then wife at one point, after years of struggles to make it work, it was no longer about love, it was more about emotional dependency on my part. Most people do get the two confused. They are disguised very similar. 

I think its less about love and more about emotional dependency and lack of self esteem. Most people with good self esteem realize they are better than to stay in a situation that isn't working and especially one where they are not wanted by the other spouse.


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## minnesotasoxfan (Apr 21, 2011)

I am in this situation. My wife filed for divorce and I wasn't done working on our marriage. With that being said I could tell she was unhappy and that she was not herself and that if this is what she felt she needed and must do I supported her decision. I did let her know that I didn't agree though in a respectful manner. In the end you can't make someone love you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

AgentD said:


> exactly what are you holding onto and what is it that makes you want to remain in it, if your spouse has clearly stated they want out?


Hope is always the last thing to die.

The sooner people can detach from the person who wants out AND more importantly, accept that the other person wants out, the better.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Okay - was this post directly pointed at ME?

Just kidding...

Hope, just plain hope.

Like Jellybeans said - hope IS the last thing to die. 

For me it's not fear of being alone.

Probably fear of failure.

I haven't failed at much in my life and I have one failed marriage and don't want another.

Another part of it for me is I have spent the majority of my adult life in this relationship - whether it is supposed to or not - being a part of this couple defines my life. Right or wrong - it is what it is.

It's scary to think that something that has been an integral part of you could be gone, just like that is heart-dropping (at least for me).

For me I don't think change is the real issue. With my military career, constant job changes, moving to different states, countries, etc., I've never feared the unknown and change - I actually welcomed it and adapted well to each change in my life - with the exception of this TBI - this one has thrown me for a loop and I haven't handled it all that well and hurt myself and others in the process.

You also have to remember that each situation is different. 

My husband is not having an EA or PA - there is no one else in the picture.

He is damaged (brain-wise) - so his thought process doesn't work like everyone else's.

And he, himself has gone through a lot - TBI and the deaths of his mother and father in a relatively short time.

He is reassessing where his life is at and I don't blame him. 

So my HOPE is easier to hold onto than others might be. There is a good chance that things can turn around. For that to happen though, I need to adjust my attitude - it has been a big factor in how things have gone - more than I realized.

So bottom line for me - HOPE.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

For me, I completely understand the hanging on to "hope" thing. 

However, at the same time, I do not want to be like my MIL, and at 80 years old, still holding on to something, and miserable, that should have been let go of long time ago. I think at the time she felt like she was trying to be a martyr, but now she no longer sees herself like that, but more like a fool who she allowed to be taken advantage of. Part of me feels bad for her, and part of me doesn't.


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## Clinging (May 14, 2011)

Love and not wanting to break up the family unit. Definetely hope but it is diminishing.

Not exactly sure why I still want someone that doesnt want me. I'm trying to figure that out.

Fear maybe, not wanting to be alone. My husband is in a PA but doesn't want to lose his family, I'm just not sure if he includes me as his family or not.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Well, my situation is a little unique.

Got more unique yesterday - my husband had a minor stroke (TIA). He has regressed in his recovery from the TBI and still in the hospital undergoing tests.

So now he needs me again - so he's not going anywhere for a while.

Maybe this was the catalyst for change - we'll see. Too bad it had to be in this manner, but God works in mysterious ways.


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## Vixen3927 (May 2, 2011)

_Marriage is a bond and you form an attachment with your spouse over time. Just like with children, no matter what, you will always have a connection and a close, personal relationship with that person. Just like with a child, if they reject you or say they hate you or want you out of their lives, that does not mean that the parent just automaticall throws up their hands and says, "ok, well I'm done too!" A parent will always be connected to their child and a spouse is a very similar situation. This is a person with whom you have shared a life with, been intimate with, connected on deep levels, and formed an attachment to. Although one partner may be able to walk away and sever that tie, doesn't mean that the other partner is able to do the same (at least at the same time the other partner does). Especially if it's not the spouse who wants out, they are going to need a longer time to process, accept, and move on from the separation. When emotions, experiences, and relationships are involved, it's usually never a clean cut for one as it is for another. And who's to say that later on, the one who ended it might feel regret, guilt, or second guess their decision once they've had time to experience other experiences or relationships and to process and think back about the relationship they ended and if they feel any differently about it or if it was the right thing to do._


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^ Excellent post.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

AgentD said:


> For me, I completely understand the hanging on to "hope" thing.
> 
> However, at the same time, I do not want to be like my MIL, and at 80 years old, still holding on to something, and miserable, that should have been let go of long time ago. I think at the time she felt like she was trying to be a martyr, but now she no longer sees herself like that, but more like a fool who she allowed to be taken advantage of. Part of me feels bad for her, and part of me doesn't.


Hoping is one thing. Delusional grandeurs and refusing to accept it's really over are another thing. That does a lot more damage than good.

My parents have a friend, M, who was married to one of my dad's colleagues, R, back in the day. One day he just left, never said a word to her, never looked back. "He left her in one of the coldest ways," my father said. R married his OW and no one has heard from him in years. Nobody knows what happened to him. He completely fell off the face of the earth. This was about 20 yrs ago. 

Every year M writes my parents a Xmas card asking about R. She says "Have you heard from R?" "Do you ever hear from R?" "I can't believe he could just leave that way."

And every year I am so sad for her and realize I would never want to be like that. She was never able to let him go. Still isn't. It's really sad. 

And while my heart aches for her and R is a dog, I so wish she would have been able to let go. Because she never dated after that, never remarried, seemingly holds onto the hope that he is going to come back one day. It's like her life got stuck on "neutral," never moving forward or back. Sad.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Vixen3927 said:


> _Marriage is a bond and you form an attachment with your spouse over time. Just like with children, no matter what, you will always have a connection and a close, personal relationship with that person. Just like with a child, if they reject you or say they hate you or want you out of their lives, that does not mean that the parent just automaticall throws up their hands and says, "ok, well I'm done too!" A parent will always be connected to their child and a spouse is a very similar situation. This is a person with whom you have shared a life with, been intimate with, connected on deep levels, and formed an attachment to. Although one partner may be able to walk away and sever that tie, doesn't mean that the other partner is able to do the same (at least at the same time the other partner does). Especially if it's not the spouse who wants out, they are going to need a longer time to process, accept, and move on from the separation. When emotions, experiences, and relationships are involved, it's usually never a clean cut for one as it is for another. And who's to say that later on, the one who ended it might feel regret, guilt, or second guess their decision once they've had time to experience other experiences or relationships and to process and think back about the relationship they ended and if they feel any differently about it or if it was the right thing to do._


Couldn't have said it better myself.

Exactly!

Thanks...


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Hoping is one thing. Delusional grandeurs and refusing to accept it's really over are another thing. That does a lot more damage than good.



:iagree: I think this is what happens more so than not.


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## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

Whatever the reason is, all I know is I cannot get myselft to let go of my wife who has let go of me a long time ago. She is just waiting for the right time to make her exit. I actually wish it was as easy for me as it is for her to end this marriage. Time has made it easier for me to accept the reality of where we are today. 

After 30 years with her, its the only life I know. Without her I will be stating my life all over again, and its not something I chose or looking forward to. Its a whole lot easier for me to choose the life I know that one I dont.


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