# New and feeling frustrated



## moulinyx

Hello everyone!

I found this forum and am hoping it gives me a renewed sense of energy to put towards my marriage or some sort of advice. 

First off, I do love my husband very much. However, he can be very immature and cold when it comes to how I feel and can seem uninterested in making sure we both feel fulfilled. We will go through this cycle where everything is amazing and he is so attentive, but then suddenly things nose dive into a terrible place where he doesn't want to engage in conversation, says awful things out of anger, or just shuts down completely. There are times where I find myself thinking I made a huge mistake, but then we also have times where I can't imagine life with anyone else. 

Our marital situation is tough due to our opposite work schedules in addition to having a 10mo old. He works from 10pm - 6:30am, so we really struggle to find time to connect. The biggest issue we have struggled with for years is his disinterest in physical affection. We have two nights together per week and it is a fight to have anything more than cuddling go on. The positive to this is we did discover he does have extremely low testosterone, but it doesn't take away the feeling of inadequacy and loneliness I feel. I always imagined I would have a passionate, loving marriage, but this is not our reality. I hate knowing he has to literally remind himself to be intimate with me....which then makes me feel like the only needs I fulfill of his is housework and taking care of our child. I cannot help but feel like I am not the person for him, or like I am not enough to keep him interested and engaged. In addition to our struggles with intimacy, I am constantly having to ask him to change the way he speaks to me (lacking respect and kindness). These two problems together really affect my mental state on a daily basis and makes me feel genuinely "down" or like I am just not good enough to deserve those things.

I have suggested counseling to learn better ways to communicate, but he is absolutely against the idea. Is this lack of connection normal? Has anyone found any sort of self-help that has improved intimacy and respectful communication in their marriage? I feel like I am communicating in a healthy way but it clearly is not the way he needs in order to facilitate receptiveness. 

I cant handle feeling like an unloved doormat anymore.


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## SunCMars

This lack of respect and lack of kindness is viral in our societies.
Ah, choo.

It all boils down to marrying someone not compatible.

Ah, we are such fools.

We are hungry, anxious, hopeful, horny, selfish, manipulative fools.
Each generation never learns, mine didn't, I did not, either/or.
.............................................................................................................................................
I suspect part of HIS problem is him working the grave yard shift. The light/day, sleep/wake, diurnal period called the Circadium Rhythm cycle is messing up his system, his hormonal release. That is the time the body wants to sleep. By forcing the body to stay awake during the night and sleeping during the day is hard on the body. If the baby is home while he tries to sleep, that cut more time from his fitful resting. It adversely affects brain wave activity and hormone production and cell regeneration. And much, much more.

You still have an infant in the house, that causes you to miss sleep, get poor sleep. It makes you nervous and cranky and give most women a hair trigger temper, where most anything can set them off. This is not a cut. I doubt most men could raise an infant to age five as well as a the average woman.

Many men are poor child rearers. Yes, they can clean the house and cook, and change diaper occasionally. But they hate it, feel out of place, feel like they are all thumbs. Plus, most men do not have the patient or the temperment.

Bless all men that do. I know some and they are wonderful and special. But, they have 'other' short comings too.

As far as your husband not being affectionate or loving or horny, this too is common when young children are running around. They see their wife as a mommy, not as a hot item. No excuse, just a fact.

I suspect part of of your resentment of him is because of the immense pressure you are under to manage the house, the children and he is not pulling his share. 

Give him a list of things YOU need him to do. Remind him of them if he forgets, but do so kindly.

I know, this time of life is very hard and diapers and daycare, and doctors are very expensive. Plus, all the other expenses that occur at the same time. 
Mother's with young children get no/few breaks. That is the name of the game until the children reach 6, uh, or is it 26?





[THM]- Lilith


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## SpinyNorman

"I cannot help but feel like I am not the person for him, or like I am not enough to keep him interested and engaged." 

Now think about that, if he was with someone else do you think his testosterone would still be low? I think it would. I'm not saying you ought to like the situation, but don't blame yourself. Try not to blame him either, it is a physical condition that happened to him. Has his doctor discussed any treatment for the low T?

I don't know if low T is likely to make him angrier, but you ought to ask his doctor, and if any treatment for the low T will help w/ his moods.

If the anger isn't related to low T, he can still change how he deals w/ anger and how he speaks to you, but he will have to work at it and it won't happen overnight. His not being open to counseling is a bad sign. I'd suggest you go to a counselor to decide if you want to just put up w/ this, or if you want to give him an ultimatum to change. While you're there, ask about books the two of you could use to work on this. I'm not optimistic he'll be open to that either, but it can't hurt to ask.

Good luck.


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## moulinyx

SunCMars said:


> This lack of respect and lack of kindness is viral in our societies.
> Ah, choo.
> 
> It all boils down to marrying someone not compatible.
> 
> Ah, we are such fools.
> 
> We are hungry, anxious, hopeful, horny, selfish, manipulative fools.
> Each generation never learns, mine didn't, I did not, either/or.
> .............................................................................................................................................
> I suspect part of HIS problem is him working the grave yard shift. The light/day, sleep/wake, diurnal period called the Circadium Rhythm cycle is messing up his system, his hormonal release. That is the time the body wants to sleep. By forcing the body to stay awake during the night and sleeping during the day is hard on the body. If the baby is home while he tries to sleep, that cut more time from his fitful resting. It adversely affects brain wave activity and hormone production and cell regeneration. And much, much more.
> 
> You still have an infant in the house, that causes you to miss sleep, get poor sleep. It makes you nervous and cranky and give most women a hair trigger temper, where most anything can set them off. This is not a cut. I doubt most men could raise an infant to age five as well as a the average woman.
> 
> Many men are poor child rearers. Yes, they can clean the house and cook, and change diaper occasionally. But they hate it, feel out of place, feel like they are all thumbs. Plus, most men do not have the patient or the temperment.
> 
> Bless all men that do. I know some and they are wonderful and special. But, they have 'other' short comings too.
> 
> As far as your husband not being affectionate or loving or horny, this too is common when young children are running around. They see their wife as a mommy, not as a hot item. No excuse, just a fact.
> 
> I suspect part of of your resentment of him is because of the immense pressure you are under to manage the house, the children and he is not pulling his share.
> 
> Give him a list of things YOU need him to do. Remind him of them if he forgets, but do so kindly.
> 
> I know, this time of life is very hard and diapers and daycare, and doctors are very expensive. Plus, all the other expenses that occur at the same time.
> Mother's with young children get no/few breaks. That is the name of the game until the children reach 6, uh, or is it 26?
> 
> 
> 
> [THM]- Lilith


The combination of respect issues and lack of intimacy is really killer for me. I try very hard to be understanding, and you make an excellent point about sleep disturbances. He does constantly complain about being flat out exhausted but sometimes it comes off like an excuse to me. I feel exhaustion from handling the house plus working my full normal day, but I still have normal "desires" even if I am tired. He is on therapy for the low T, but it still isn't where it should be. 

Compatibility is something I really, really am struggling with and feel so nervous about. Do you think this is something that will improve with time? We are both younger (27 and 28), so I know we both have a lot of room to grow and learn together. I just do not want to look back and realize we were so fundamentally different that I never had a chance to feel fulfilled. I hate that the source of our lack of intimacy primarily comes from a medical condition and his profession, but it doesn't take away from me not getting what I need from my marriage. You also hit the nail on the head with the resentment point. I do sometimes find myself feeling angry that he takes time to unwind and relax, but I cant remember the last time I had a real break. Then I find myself NOT wanting to assign chores because he would have even more of an excuse to opt-out of our re-connection time. Maybe fixing this area first would be worth even less intimacy? 




SpinyNorman said:


> "I cannot help but feel like I am not the person for him, or like I am not enough to keep him interested and engaged."
> 
> Now think about that, if he was with someone else do you think his testosterone would still be low? I think it would. I'm not saying you ought to like the situation, but don't blame yourself. Try not to blame him either, it is a physical condition that happened to him. Has his doctor discussed any treatment for the low T?
> 
> I don't know if low T is likely to make him angrier, but you ought to ask his doctor, and if any treatment for the low T will help w/ his moods.
> 
> If the anger isn't related to low T, he can still change how he deals w/ anger and how he speaks to you, but he will have to work at it and it won't happen overnight. His not being open to counseling is a bad sign. I'd suggest you go to a counselor to decide if you want to just put up w/ this, or if you want to give him an ultimatum to change. While you're there, ask about books the two of you could use to work on this. I'm not optimistic he'll be open to that either, but it can't hurt to ask.
> 
> Good luck.


I know he would certainly have low T if he were with someone else, and I do try very hard to tell myself it isn't me...but it is so lonely! I mean, who doesn't want to feel "hott" to their husband?? He is on therapy for testosterone but it is a fight on a weekly basis since it requires me giving him a shot. In our last fight about intimacy he said he is tired of knowing he has disappointed me, which I couldn't even deny. It is disappointing that being intimate with me is like having to do the dishes from his perspective on top of being alone so often. 

I have gone to a counselor myself and he explained therapy will not work if it is one-sided, but maybe it is worth another opinion? My husband thinks going to therapy is just a counselor telling him he needs to be more kind to me (obviously deflecting) but I really think he is embarrassed to talk about our issues with other people. I don't know how to explain that therapy/counseling isn't people sitting there and talking about awful stuff their partner has done! The whole point is to learn why our actions affect each other in the way they do, but he instantly shuts down when I bring it up. The low T stuff is a sore subject with him. I really hate the idea of an ultimatum since it is the opposite of figuring out how I need to communicate to him, but I also am to the point where my mental health is more important than his stubborn tendencies. 

Have you read any books that helped your situation or something similar?


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## Mr.Married

" I hate that the source of our lack of intimacy primarily comes from a medical condition and his profession, but it doesn't take away from me not getting what I need from my marriage. You also hit the nail on the head with the resentment point. I do sometimes find myself feeling angry that he takes time to unwind and relax, but I cant remember the last time I had a real break. "


It can be a tough job to repair the insecurities of a man who has had a direct shot to his ego/manhood.

Unfortunately praise, support, and uplifting him are your only tactical weapons. This is a tough row to hoe when you feel you don't have what you need in a marriage to begin with. 

With that said: Keep in mind he has been like this for years. He will not likely flip his script into what you are looking for, no more so than you are willing to flip your script into his.

This disconnect between incompatibilities and needs of two people are usually only well navigated when both parties are "full in".


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## SunCMars

Ah, tis Damacles sword. This 'T' thing cuts both ways. 

The shot will make him horny.
But it it can also make him quick tempered.

Some "Roid" rage can occur if he is given 'too high' a dose. Most doctors are conservative in their dosing.

You give him an injection every week?
How much? Body weight and liver function and being active or not figure in to this. Is he a Fire fighter/EMT?

The first few days it ranges too high, making him jittery and short-hair triggered. It might be better to go every two weeks.

Have his free testosterone checked mid-point and end-point. An Endocrinologist, MD is best for this dosing, if you can find one. 
Urologists are loathe to prescribe this "green Tea". A GP will do so for quality of life reasons but may not be experienced at dosing.

Just a thought on that.
He may be self pleasuring himself....you know that, right?

Ahem....

It takes more than "T" to have desire. He may harbor his own set of resentments.

Read up on ILYBANILWY. He loves you for being his wife but is not in love with you (passionately).

You two may need counseling.
Dunno..





[THM]- Lilith


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## SunCMars

In many marriages, a dynamic of having a series of daily and continual confrontations becomes the norm.

Tension is the enemy of relaxing intimacy.

If one (or both) cannot switch gears and go into passionate mode, you race away from each other.
Anger is the antithesis of love. Yet, both come from the same place.

Learn to become calm. Maybe it will rub off on him.
Pun, intended!





[THM]- Lilith


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## Emerging Buddhist

It is not wrong to want the things you want... not at all.

As our friend @SunCMars shared, it is our reaction to the things wanted that creates such difficult dynamics... suffering.

The cause is tenfold in your situation... lack of time together is one of the worst, but please do not lose sight of the prize but you have to temper that with patience and strongly as his life needs to temper his anger to the things he cannot change.

Talking poorly of you, at you, or with you needs to cease or it will consume your affections to another and turn your marriage into an emotional graveyard... let him know there is only so much you are willing to absorb for the marriage and for the health of your child you are going to continue with your own counseling sessions if he will not (yes... get a counselor that helps you understand how your world around you impacts your clarity). This is loving yourself more, choosing to find the calming direction that is healthy for you and child, and that he is worth the effort right now along with your journey.

He can choose to accompany you, or not... there is no ultimatum, if he does not you have your answer to many of the things you question and you will have a much better understanding with far little (bad) baggage to take with you no matter what direction you go.

Sometimes, struggles end for the right reason, just know what that is.


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## SunCMars

> Do you think this is something that will improve with time? We are both younger (27 and 28), so I know we both have a lot of room to grow and learn together. I just do not want to look back and realize we were so fundamentally different that I never had a chance to feel fulfilled. I hate that the source of our lack of intimacy primarily comes from a medical condition and his profession


My guess?

Yes, but only so much. The tension in the home will get better as the children become older. Any incompatibility will remain forever and forever be a friction point.

A friction point that love lube cannot eliminate.

Long term? You too will merely 'settle' for each other. A bad situation will get better, will likely never get great.

.........................................................

What is the solution? Leave your husband, take the children and look for a better man, a better fit?

People do this every day, some percentage never really reach their goal. 
Life is all about trade-offs.

Look in the mirror.
Look at your worth.
Look at your attraction to the 'other sex', other men.

Can you be a better and be a happier wife for/with a better man?

Your daily issues will follow you into any new relationship.
That said, if you find a man that you are more compatible with in more ways, you have a chance.

You do realize you are vulnerable to an affair of the heart? Some clever, unscrupulous man can now sweep you off your feet.
Men can spot a lonely women a quarter of a mile away.

If you do want to bail on your marriage, get divorced before you start looking for love. 
And take your time, the second time around.

Of course, this is all conjecture. It is your' choice.
It is all based on your willing tolerance level for unhappiness.

I would wait a year or two to see how things progress. 
You may be suffering from Postpartum Depression, or something else....treatable.

You have time, you have an infant to worry about.
No, rush-hannah.

Just Sayin'





[THM]- The Typist I


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## Spicy

Is there any chance of a schedule change or job change for your hubby to get on days?

If you don’t work, is it possible for you to adjust to a similar schedule as him since you have an infant (not a child in school)?


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## MattMatt

@moulinyx, please remind me, what does his doctor/s say?


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## moulinyx

Spicy said:


> Is there any chance of a schedule change or job change for your hubby to get on days?
> 
> If you don’t work, is it possible for you to adjust to a similar schedule as him since you have an infant (not a child in school)?





Mr.Married said:


> " I hate that the source of our lack of intimacy primarily comes from a medical condition and his profession, but it doesn't take away from me not getting what I need from my marriage. You also hit the nail on the head with the resentment point. I do sometimes find myself feeling angry that he takes time to unwind and relax, but I cant remember the last time I had a real break. "
> 
> 
> It can be a tough job to repair the insecurities of a man who has had a direct shot to his ego/manhood.
> 
> Unfortunately praise, support, and uplifting him are your only tactical weapons. This is a tough row to hoe when you feel you don't have what you need in a marriage to begin with.
> 
> With that said: Keep in mind he has been like this for years. He will not likely flip his script into what you are looking for, no more so than you are willing to flip your script into his.
> 
> This disconnect between incompatibilities and needs of two people are usually only well navigated when both parties are "full in".


He is hoping to land a day shift in a few years (he is a police officer), but right now working nights is something that makes him feel fulfilled. Its so hard sometimes needing such different things (his love language is verbal affirmation) especially since we have a hard time with our current schedules. He end up getting angry that I don't just "know" he is still into me. 

Thanks for your male perspective. I will keep in mind that uplifting comments rather than expressing that I am unhappy again will likely get me more of what I want from him. 



Spicy said:


> Is there any chance of a schedule change or job change for your hubby to get on days?
> 
> If you don’t work, is it possible for you to adjust to a similar schedule as him since you have an infant (not a child in school)?





SunCMars said:


> Ah, tis Damacles sword. This 'T' thing cuts both ways.
> 
> The shot will make him horny.
> But it it can also make him quick tempered.
> 
> Some "Roid" rage can occur if he is given 'too high' a dose. Most doctors are conservative in their dosing.
> 
> You give him an injection every week?
> How much? Body weight and liver function and being active or not figure in to this. Is he a Fire fighter/EMT?
> 
> The first few days it ranges too high, making him jittery and short-hair triggered. It might be better to go every two weeks.
> 
> Have his free testosterone checked mid-point and end-point. An Endocrinologist, MD is best for this dosing, if you can find one.
> Urologists are loathe to prescribe this "green Tea". A GP will do so for quality of life reasons but may not be experienced at dosing.
> 
> Just a thought on that.
> He may be self pleasuring himself....you know that, right?
> 
> Ahem....
> 
> It takes more than "T" to have desire. He may harbor his own set of resentments.
> 
> Read up on ILYBANILWY. He loves you for being his wife but is not in love with you (passionately).
> 
> You two may need counseling.
> Dunno..
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> [THM]- Lilith


The "pleasuring himself" is something I am totally insecure about. We've discussed this recently and he said he does every once in a while...but actually admitted he looks at the boudoir book I got for our wedding. I instantly got irritated because I am like....why can't you just wait for me to get home...but then I guess I understand it is hard for us to even find time. I guess I should be flattered it "supposedly" it to the pictures of me at least? I still feel paranoid that he's just not into me and would rather take care of those things himself, but I try to tell myself that is irrational. 

I agree the shot may be the cause of mood swings, but I know the sleep stuff is a main factor. He is actually a police officer so he does struggle with the schedule issues fire/EMS deals with. Plus that environment is mentally exhausting. I give him 1ml every 8 days which has gotten his levels between 600-750 on a regular basis. Id love for him to go to a new specialist, but we've had such a hard time finding someone who is willing to treat him since we are so young. He does sometimes say he isn't interested because he feels like he's gained weight (he has MAYBE gained 10 pounds, but he can be pretty vain). 

Id love to try counseling if we ever got to a place where he felt safe enough to have these type of talks. He just seems emotionally tapped out right now. I'm so shocked with how anonymously venting here has allowed me to release some of my frustrations. I will say he has made more of an effort to kiss me with "passion" when he gets home and give me compliments. I know he cares about how I feel but has a hard time expressing it. His parents are the same way, so this is something totally new. 

Speaking to my vulnerability to affairs of the heart, this is also something I have discussed with him. This is a high ranking reason for divorce in his line of work and makes a point to reinforce that he wouldn't ever do anything to jeopardize the life we have (related to infidelity). I know I could find a new relationship, but I am 100% dedicated to our marriage. I can honestly say I have not even considered an outside flirtation, so I feel like that is a good sign? 

I like your thoughts on seeing how things change over the next few years. I am sure my mental health will improve as well as I regain more freedom to have hobbies and a life outside of being a new mom. 




Spicy said:


> Is there any chance of a schedule change or job change for your hubby to get on days?
> 
> If you don’t work, is it possible for you to adjust to a similar schedule as him since you have an infant (not a child in school)?


I am in pharmaceutical sales, so unfortunately I cannot adjust my hours too much. I do occasionally get some free time at lunch so we will do a "day date". He is a police officer so his hours will likely stay the same for a few years. 



Emerging Buddhist said:


> It is not wrong to want the things you want... not at all.
> 
> As our friend @SunCMars shared, it is our reaction to the things wanted that creates such difficult dynamics... suffering.
> 
> The cause is tenfold in your situation... lack of time together is one of the worst, but please do not lose sight of the prize but you have to temper that with patience and strongly as his life needs to temper his anger to the things he cannot change.
> 
> Talking poorly of you, at you, or with you needs to cease or it will consume your affections to another and turn your marriage into an emotional graveyard... let him know there is only so much you are willing to absorb for the marriage and for the health of your child you are going to continue with your own counseling sessions if he will not (yes... get a counselor that helps you understand how your world around you impacts your clarity). This is loving yourself more, choosing to find the calming direction that is healthy for you and child, and that he is worth the effort right now along with your journey.
> 
> He can choose to accompany you, or not... there is no ultimatum, if he does not you have your answer to many of the things you question and you will have a much better understanding with far little (bad) baggage to take with you no matter what direction you go.
> 
> Sometimes, struggles end for the right reason, just know what that is.


This really hit home. We discussed trying out a podcast so maybe that would be a good compromise that could possibly lead to counseling. I have continued to stand up for myself and correct the things he says out of anger, which normally makes him angry initially but I think once he calms down he gets where I am coming from. I am on the verge of dishing it back so he sees how it feels!


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## moulinyx

MattMatt said:


> @moulinyx, please remind me, what does his doctor/s say?


His levels are still on the low end (should be in the 1,000's for his age), but we have to be careful with how the low T is treated since we want one more baby. We do a combo of TsT shots and HCg to preserve the fertility aspect, but obviously the constant discussion around HSG and when he wants me to give him his shot doesn't exactly set the mood. He wants the pellets once we are done because he has a few coworkers who have told him what a life changer it has been. The fact that he confides in other people in similar situations does speak volumes to how much he really does care...but it doesn't change how rough it is. Its hard to go without the highly talked about "honeymoon stage" where you are intimate all the time as newlyweds. 

Do you have friends in a similar situation? Do I need to just wait out this time or should I try to "spice things up"? We are overly comfortable with each other so its not like I am opposed to any sort of sexual encounter with him, but I get so afraid of feeling stupid after being rejected if I try something new.


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## MattMatt

moulinyx said:


> His levels are still on the low end (should be in the 1,000's for his age), but we have to be careful with how the low T is treated since we want one more baby. We do a combo of TsT shots and HCg to preserve the fertility aspect, but obviously the constant discussion around HSG and when he wants me to give him his shot doesn't exactly set the mood. He wants the pellets once we are done because he has a few coworkers who have told him what a life changer it has been. The fact that he confides in other people in similar situations does speak volumes to how much he really does care...but it doesn't change how rough it is. Its hard to go without the highly talked about "honeymoon stage" where you are intimate all the time as newlyweds.
> 
> Do you have friends in a similar situation? Do I need to just wait out this time or should I try to "spice things up"? We are overly comfortable with each other so its not like I am opposed to any sort of sexual encounter with him, but I get so afraid of feeling stupid after being rejected if I try something new.


There was a poster here who had very low testosterone levels. He had it treated and things went very well.

But are there are things? Is he depressed? Possibly Autistic Spectrum Disorder? (ASD)

He needs to be checked out. Also, vitamin or minerals deficiencies can cause a variety of problems.


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## SpinyNorman

moulinyx said:


> I know he would certainly have low T if he were with someone else, and I do try very hard to tell myself it isn't me...but it is so lonely! I mean, who doesn't want to feel "hott" to their husband?? He is on therapy for testosterone but it is a fight on a weekly basis since it requires me giving him a shot. In our last fight about intimacy he said he is tired of knowing he has disappointed me, which I couldn't even deny. It is disappointing that being intimate with me is like having to do the dishes from his perspective on top of being alone so often.


It isn't you, don't lose sight of that.

Ironically, a lot of women wish their husbands weren't attracted to them so they'd quit asking them for sex.

I'm disappointed to hear your discussions about intimacy are "fights", that isn't a likely path to improvement. You've mentioned he doesn't speak nicely to you when he is angry, how do you speak to him about intimacy? I understand this sucks for you, but put yourself in his shoes. The very thing that makes us horny is largely missing in him, so he isn't as horny. This isn't his fault, any more than the guy with no legs is to blame b/c his wife doesn't get to dance w/ him. It sucks for her, but she mustn't blame him for it.

Why is the shot a fight? Does he hate it, or do you? 


> I have gone to a counselor myself and he explained therapy will not work if it is one-sided, but maybe it is worth another opinion? My husband thinks going to therapy is just a counselor telling him he needs to be more kind to me (obviously deflecting) but I really think he is embarrassed to talk about our issues with other people. I don't know how to explain that therapy/counseling isn't people sitting there and talking about awful stuff their partner has done! The whole point is to learn why our actions affect each other in the way they do, but he instantly shuts down when I bring it up. The low T stuff is a sore subject with him. I really hate the idea of an ultimatum since it is the opposite of figuring out how I need to communicate to him, but I also am to the point where my mental health is more important than his stubborn tendencies.
> 
> Have you read any books that helped your situation or something similar?


The counselor is right that he has to want to change. If he won't see a counselor, it is possible but unlikely he'd work w/ you directly. Unfortunately I don't know of books to recommend.

If he won't do anything about the anger, then you either put up w/ it or leave. A counselor might be able to help you cope and/or make up your mind. Of course if you're prepared to leave, an ultimatum is the last attempt, but I wouldn't make one before you're ready to leave. Don't wave an empty gun.


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## moulinyx

MattMatt said:


> There was a poster here who had very low testosterone levels. He had it treated and things went very well.
> 
> But are there are things? Is he depressed? Possibly Autistic Spectrum Disorder? (ASD)
> 
> He needs to be checked out. Also, vitamin or minerals deficiencies can cause a variety of problems.


Things will go well and then he will want to see if he is "fixed", which then makes us start from square one. I do think if he would just stay consistent that this situation could really improve. He is just SO.DAMN.STUBBORN. He always ends up feeling bad and will suddenly be super on top of the shots again but the cycle drives me CRAZY. I believe he takes a spectrum of vitamins and an estrogen blocker (just started), so maybe that will also result in some improvements? I dont think ASD is an issue, but he does have ADHD which he takes medication for.


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## moulinyx

SpinyNorman said:


> It isn't you, don't lose sight of that.
> 
> Ironically, a lot of women wish their husbands weren't attracted to them so they'd quit asking them for sex.
> 
> I'm disappointed to hear your discussions about intimacy are "fights", that isn't a likely path to improvement. You've mentioned he doesn't speak nicely to you when he is angry, how do you speak to him about intimacy? I understand this sucks for you, but put yourself in his shoes. The very thing that makes us horny is largely missing in him, so he isn't as horny. This isn't his fault, any more than the guy with no legs is to blame b/c his wife doesn't get to dance w/ him. It sucks for her, but she mustn't blame him for it.
> 
> Why is the shot a fight? Does he hate it, or do you?
> 
> The counselor is right that he has to want to change. If he won't see a counselor, it is possible but unlikely he'd work w/ you directly. Unfortunately I don't know of books to recommend.
> 
> If he won't do anything about the anger, then you either put up w/ it or leave. A counselor might be able to help you cope and/or make up your mind. Of course if you're prepared to leave, an ultimatum is the last attempt, but I wouldn't make one before you're ready to leave. Don't wave an empty gun.



Haha, my husband pulls the "most women would be happy" card constantly! Which I of course rebuttal with "most men would be happy" with me wanting sex all the time as well. 

I do try very hard to remember it isn't me, but when he resists his shots or acts dramatic about something he is medically required to do in order for us to have a healthy marriage its hard for me to be patient. Intimacy is more than just sex, which I also have specifically discussed with him. This can be so many other things. Plus, how can you even get in the mood if you aren't at least kissing/touching or taking time to really see each other. He does hate the shot because it hurts and is annoying to do every week. 

As far as fighting about intimacy, at this point I do accuse him of not even trying. I know that just puts on more pressure but I can't keep it bottled up and act like everything is fine. Its like he expects to have the raging hormones of a 16 year old and constantly have sex on the brain. We only get two nights a week together, so I get mad if he isn't trying to at least makeout or something when we get in bed. Then he will snap and say he is tired and we will be affectionate tomorrow so then I feel like a chore. This discussion usually ends up with me in tears and feeling unattractive, which then makes him feel guilty. He does comfort me and say he just needs more consistent time on his shot and that there isn't anyone in the world he would rather be with, but its hard when his actions dont reflect it. 

You don't have to have an erection to fool around with your wife.


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## MattMatt

moulinyx said:


> Haha, my husband pulls the "most women would be happy" card constantly! Which I of course rebuttal with "most men would be happy" with me wanting sex all the time as well.
> 
> I do try very hard to remember it isn't me, but when he resists his shots or acts dramatic about something he is medically required to do in order for us to have a healthy marriage its hard for me to be patient. Intimacy is more than just sex, which I also have specifically discussed with him. This can be so many other things. Plus, how can you even get in the mood if you aren't at least kissing/touching or taking time to really see each other. He does hate the shot because it hurts and is annoying to do every week.
> 
> As far as fighting about intimacy, at this point I do accuse him of not even trying. I know that just puts on more pressure but I can't keep it bottled up and act like everything is fine. Its like he expects to have the raging hormones of a 16 year old and constantly have sex on the brain. We only get two nights a week together, so I get mad if he isn't trying to at least makeout or something when we get in bed. Then he will snap and say he is tired and we will be affectionate tomorrow so then I feel like a chore. This discussion usually ends up with me in tears and feeling unattractive, which then makes him feel guilty. He does comfort me and say he just needs more consistent time on his shot and that there isn't anyone in the world he would rather be with, but its hard when his actions dont reflect it.
> 
> You don't have to have an erection to fool around with your wife.


Actually if a man doesn't have an erection that can have very adverse affects on him. Not feeling like a real man, etc.


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## moulinyx

MattMatt said:


> Actually if a man doesn't have an erection that can have very adverse affects on him. Not feeling like a real man, etc.


Wow, really? I had no idea. I always felt like he was being selfish because he wasn't necessarily on the receiving end, but that does make sense. So I guess nights where he knows he won't be able to "perform", that would make him feel against any type of interaction? He usually ends up saying he just wants to hold me :| 

Then I end up having that sinking insecure feeling.


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## MattMatt

moulinyx said:


> Wow, really? I had no idea. I always felt like he was being selfish because he wasn't necessarily on the receiving end, but that does make sense. So I guess nights where he knows he won't be able to "perform", that would make him feel against any type of interaction? He usually ends up saying he just wants to hold me :|
> 
> Then I end up having that sinking insecure feeling.


But there are treatments available. But we men are very sensitive about erectile dysfunction problems. It strikes at our manhood and many men don't even like admitting they have a problem.

If he can't get an erection he might feel he is a failure for you, not being man enough for you.


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## moulinyx

MattMatt said:


> But there are treatments available. But we men are very sensitive about erectile dysfunction problems. It strikes at our manhood and many men don't even like admitting they have a problem.
> 
> If he can't get an erection he might feel he is a failure for you, not being man enough for you.


I guess I can try to push testing out other treatment options or just tell myself there is a hopeful end in sight with the pellet option. I really had no idea not "showing" that you're aroused would be a deterrent from being intimate in other ways. He says there are days that have less feeling, which are generally closer to when he needs the shot. This happens less when the shot is consistent, but like I said it is a battle getting it administered on time. Then I feel like a freaking nag :frown2:


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## Mr.Married

moulinyx said:


> You don't have to have an erection to fool around with your wife.


There is so much truth in that statement!

For what it's worth I think my T level was 300 at 43. I still wanted my wife all the time. Never had performance issues.


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## moulinyx

Mr.Married said:


> There is so much truth in that statement!
> 
> For what it's worth I think my T level was 300 at 43. I still wanted my wife all the time. Never had performance issues.


I have heard T levels impact everyone differently. The combination of pressure, exhaustion, and discussion around the problem probably makes the situation worse. I guess I just need to have patience until we try out different treatment.


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## pbj2016

He shouldn’t be in the 1000s. That’s a recipe for roid rage. At 27-28 he should be 650 to 800 ng/dL. 

Another poster said maybe to stretch the shot to 2 weeks. If anything it should be a smaller dosage and more often. He should be doing his own shot and it should be consistent. Every week, same day of week and same time. I give myself my shot and I’ve learned what it takes for it to not hurt. 

There are cumulative results/effects from HRT. And when he isn’t consistent he erases any gains. 

As far as trying to see if he is “fixed” it takes 3-6 months to clear out the cumulative results. When there is a alternative source of T, his system will shutdown any production that he was making. It takes that long for it to regain “normal” functionality. If he isn’t waiting the 3-6 months he will be worse off than when he started HRT. 

Also low T and ED don’t have to go together. He could be have high T and ED or low T and be a rock star. However, I can assure you that with low T for a long time will mess with his head and only consistent treatment will he begin to feel normal.


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## MattMatt

If he says cuddles only say "I'd like to cuddle your puppies!" And do so.


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## SpinyNorman

moulinyx said:


> Haha, my husband pulls the "most women would be happy" card constantly! Which I of course rebuttal with "most men would be happy" with me wanting sex all the time as well.
> 
> I do try very hard to remember it isn't me, but when he resists his shots or acts dramatic about something he is medically required to do in order for us to have a healthy marriage its hard for me to be patient. Intimacy is more than just sex, which I also have specifically discussed with him. This can be so many other things. Plus, how can you even get in the mood if you aren't at least kissing/touching or taking time to really see each other. He does hate the shot because it hurts and is annoying to do every week.
> 
> As far as fighting about intimacy, at this point I do accuse him of not even trying. I know that just puts on more pressure but I can't keep it bottled up and act like everything is fine. Its like he expects to have the raging hormones of a 16 year old and constantly have sex on the brain. We only get two nights a week together, so I get mad if he isn't trying to at least makeout or something when we get in bed. Then he will snap and say he is tired and we will be affectionate tomorrow so then I feel like a chore. This discussion usually ends up with me in tears and feeling unattractive, which then makes him feel guilty. He does comfort me and say he just needs more consistent time on his shot and that there isn't anyone in the world he would rather be with, but its hard when his actions dont reflect it.
> 
> You don't have to have an erection to fool around with your wife.


I hope I don't sound unsympathetic, this is sad. And while you can't blame him for the original low T, it isn't fair to you if he isn't staying on his treatment.

It is one thing if he hates the shot, but another if he takes it out on you when you give it to him. If he does that, consider it a teachable moment and remind him you didn't cause his health problems and are trying to help w/ them.

How you say the stuff about sex can be important. It is said that anger is not an aphrodisiac. So while you might have a reason to be angry, angrily telling him you're disappointed isn't likely to work as well as how you've told us. I don't know how you talk to him about it, I don't mean to accuse you, just trying to think of things that might help.


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## moulinyx

SpinyNorman said:


> I hope I don't sound unsympathetic, this is sad. And while you can't blame him for the original low T, it isn't fair to you if he isn't staying on his treatment.
> 
> It is one thing if he hates the shot, but another if he takes it out on you when you give it to him. If he does that, consider it a teachable moment and remind him you didn't cause his health problems and are trying to help w/ them.
> 
> How you say the stuff about sex can be important. It is said that anger is not an aphrodisiac. So while you might have a reason to be angry, angrily telling him you're disappointed isn't likely to work as well as how you've told us. I don't know how you talk to him about it, I don't mean to accuse you, just trying to think of things that might help.


The more I talk out the problem on this platform, the better I actually feel about the situation. While I would appreciate more of the spark and intimacy, it isn't like it would be better/easier for him with someone else. I do try my best to not get irritated when he resists the shot...but even today he turned up the dramatics about it. 

I asked if he wants his shot before or after we run a few errands and his whole attitude changed. He kept saying he wasn't mad but I can tell by his body language he was more on edge. I think the whole situation is frustrating for him because he knows he has to have it but hates the actual shot. 

I for sure do not angrily tell him I am disappointed...but what I actually do is probably worse. This generally happens when we already are in bed and I have been rejected, but I will instantly feel tears welling up in my eyes. So then he feels guilty knowing I am upset and then the argument starts. The conversation does end with him telling me he thinks I am beautiful and that I still "have it", but that he is exhausted and promises we will try tomorrow. The whole "planning" thing in my opinion makes it less exciting than things just happening when you get in bed. I do try to meet him in the middle but sometimes I wish things in that department would just be easy for a little bit!


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## Decorum

Just as an experiment you could get the book The 5 Love Languages. Do this on the sly. The premise of the book is that people feel loved in several different ways.
"the five ways to express and experience love that Chapman calls "love languages" are receiving gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service (devotion) and physical touch. ... According to this theory, each person has one primary and one secondary love language"

Take a short time period, say 3 weeks, dont nag him at all, (nag is kind of an ugly word, no offense intended) and fill up his love tank by speaking his love language.

See what happens. 

If it is words of affirmation for example, "one of the things that attracted me to you, and I'm grateful that you are that person in my life is..." or "one of the things that I have always respected about you is...and I don't tell you enough how special it makes me feel that I am YOUR girl, etc"

Relationships are not unconditional, they are very transactional. Make an investment before you try to make a withdrawal, see if that is something that is hindering your relationship. 

Btw I dont mean to imply this is all on you, not at all!
Just an experiment as part of a process of elimination.

There is no substitute for quality time together, it's like ignoring the gym, things can start to sag a little, lol.

I really wish you both well.
Take care.


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## moulinyx

Decorum said:


> Just as an experiment you could get the book The 5 Love Languages. Do this on the sly. The premise of the book is that people feel loved in several different ways.
> "the five ways to express and experience love that Chapman calls "love languages" are receiving gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service (devotion) and physical touch. ... According to this theory, each person has one primary and one secondary love language"
> 
> Take a short time period, say 3 weeks, dont nag him at all, (nag is kind of an ugly word, no offense intended) and fill up his love tank by speaking his love language.
> 
> See what happens.
> 
> If it is words of affirmation for example, "one of the things that attracted me to you, and I'm grateful that you are that person in my life is..." or "one of the things that I have always respected about you is...and I don't tell you enough how special it makes me feel that I am YOUR girl, etc"
> 
> Relationships are not unconditional, they are very transactional. Make an investment before you try to make a withdrawal, see if that is something that is hindering your relationship.
> 
> Btw I dont mean to imply this is all on you, not at all!
> Just an experiment as part of a process of elimination.
> 
> There is no substitute for quality time together, it's like ignoring the gym, things can start to sag a little, lol.
> 
> I really wish you both well.
> Take care.


This book is a life changer. We went from blowup fights to actually being able to have a conversation. I love your transaction analogy as well. We both make a point to not only acknowledge eachother's love language (mine being physical touch/quality time and his being words of affirmation/quality time), but realize what our love languages AREN'T. We both assumed gifts and acts of kindess would get us what we wanted, so that did bring us 5 steps forward. 

We both end up starving for quality time since we have opposite work schedules and end up feeling distant, so we have started meeting for lunch to catch up and have time without our little one. This has also helped us feel connected again and also helps ease my worries that he just isn't into me anymore. 

As I said in a previous reply, this forum really helped my insecurities and allowed for a therapeutic release. My husband tries his best, even though the sexual piece is lacking. We will start trying for baby #2 in a few weeks so that will at least be a reason to carve out time for often.


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