# Having sex with a new person for the first time



## Keira

I know to a lot of you I will sound ridiculous and I hesitated making this account and posting. Be gentle. 

I am 29 and have been divorced for 4 years. I just started dating this year, which is all new to me. Prior, I had never dated before.

I have been seeing a man and we have gone on 4 long dates, and 5 short/quick lunch dates. We work in the same building (different companies) and grab lunch together sometimes. Our first date was 4 weeks ago. We haven't had sex. We have kissed but have not gone any further. I am sure he would if I was up for it. After all of our long dates he has invited me in or asked if I want him to come in. I hate saying no. 

I have never had sex with someone I'm not in a relationship with and it terrifies me. I haven't had sex in 5 years, or even had anyone touch me. I have only had sex with my ex-husband. Up until this year he was the only man I had kissed.

The man I am seeing has been very patient and doesn't push for anything. As soon as I say no, he drops it. I know the time is coming and I don't want to disappoint him. He's 36, he's been with a lot more people than I have (based on conversations). He divorced his ex-wife because she wouldn't have sex, so I know it's important to him. It's not really the same, but I know he won't wait much longer and when it does happen I don't want to disappoint him. 

I have had 3 men stop communicating with me after dates, presumably because I didn't put out. One confirmed that, the others based on the circumstances it fits. I need to step up the pace, no grown man is going to wait around these days.

I have always sucked at sex. I just do. The entire time I was with my husband I was never able to orgasm from foreplay, oral or sex. I know a lot of women don't orgasm from penetration, but I couldn't even get close. It didn't really ever feel good, and size was not an issue. My ex-husband would go down on me for over an hour and I could never orgasm. He tried everything, including couples sex therapy. Eventually he found a woman who he could please, and left me. He hated that I couldn't enjoy it. I'm guessing any man will and it makes me not want to date at all. There is other things too that make me an unenjoyable partner who doesn't know what she's doing, but in general I suck at sex. I'm scared to have sex with someone who can so easily walk away.

I don't know what to expect. I don't know how to make it true and good for him. I've never used condoms before or had to worry about STDs. The nerves are unreal. I'm almost 30... and I'm freaked our about sex. 

I want to have sex with him. The desires are strong when we are together. He's a really good guy. But these nerves are going to ruin it. The "stars aligned" and we are both kid free Thursday - Sunday so we are planning to spend some time together. 

Help.... Sorry for typos, it's 4am and I haven't slept yet due to these nerves. I'm literally losing sleep.


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## arbitrator

*First off, don't even think about sleeping with anybody before you're absolutely good and ready. When you're fully ready, it should come on to you so naturally that it's the preeminent thing to do!

Enjoy the buildup step by step and don't let anyone push you to any point that you do not want to go! And until the relationship has an aura of permanence, I'd say to use condoms to protect the both of you!

If your problem still persists, I'd recommend you seeing a good individual counselor or a trusted same sex friend whom you're rather comfortable conversing about such subject matters with!

You're in the absolute best years of your life ~ enjoy them!*


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## Cooper

OP the best thing to do is talk openly with the guy, if he truly cares for you he will be patient and gentle, honesty is a huge turn on. If he runs for the door then he wasn't the right man for you. Several years ago I started dating a woman who was a fifty year old widow, she had married her high school boyfriend and that was the only man she had ever been with, we eased into it and everything was great. So don't feel you are alone having only one sexual partner in your life, hell the guy might find that to be virtue.


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## TJW

Yes, there are many of us who would consider that a virtue. Some of us are not so good at sex, too. Having a happy marriage comes to two people who love and care about each other and recognize that Hollywood tells lies. People don't jump into bed and become orgasmic first time. Mostly, the men don't even get erection until their nervousness goes away, and women have to learn their own body and what it takes for them to have orgasms. 

The fact is, you don't want to have sex with someone who can easily walk away. You want a man who is committed to you fully and who is wanting to make marriage work through his own necessary sacrifices. If your current man is willing to wait for you until you are ready, this is a sign of a good man who will be a good husband.


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## alexm

I echo what the others are saying - wait until you're ready, don't make yourself do something because you think "it's time", don't cave to any pressure.

None of those things are conducive to good sex, anyway.

If you haven't, then talk to this guy and tell him basically what you've said here. If he bails, he bails. But also be aware that he may very well take it as a challenge.

IMO, you'd be better off dating someone who has just as little experience as you. I was in a similar boat as you in my early 30's. I had meagre sexual experience before meeting my ex wife at 18/19 years old, and it was only her until 32/33 (and the sex was very vanilla). I met my wife, who had far more experience than I did, but luckily we were a good match in the bedroom. That's not always the case, however.

In any case, there's nothing to be nervous about. Dating is specifically for the purpose of figuring out if you're a match with someone or not. Sex is (usually) part of this.

Bottom line though, don't do anything because you feel you have to, or there's pressure to do it, etc. Doing something just because you feel it's the next step, or you think someone will bail on you if you don't - not worth it. If YOU want to, then go for it, but try not to stress about it. Sex is a very natural thing, unless you get inside your head about it.


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## TJW

Keira said:


> It didn't really ever feel good


It would be a good idea to get checked out by gynecology. Some simple problems may be stopping your enjoyment. Some women I have heard say they can't orgasm from penetrative intercourse are able to do it from direct stimulation of their clitoris.


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## SunCMars

This is a tough one.

Thank you for being honest.

You will have a hard time keeping a man if you do not enjoy sex and it becomes obvious to your' partner.

It would be MY hope would be that you simply did not connect with your ex husband. The chemistry was not there.

Nor, was the love.

The only thing that is going to help this situation is to dive in. Give this guy a romp. Practice sex with him.

See if it gets better. Practice makes perfect.

On the lack of feeling? See your gynecologist. Have her inspect your stuff.

See if the 'man in the boat' is ailing, laying down and seasick.

You are not alone. ~25% of women never have an orgasm from PIV. 

Sometimes the distance from the clitoris to the vaginal opening is too far. May require different positioning.

I think in your case it is mental anxiety. Maybe try therapy. Maybe hypnotism to get over your fears?

For your sake you must fix this.


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## Keira

arbitrator said:


> *First off, don't even think about sleeping with anybody before you're absolutely good and ready. When you're fully ready, it should come on to you naturally that it's the thing to do!
> 
> Enjoy the buildup step by step and don't let anyone push you to any point that you do not want to go! And until the relationship has an aura of permanence, I'd say to use condoms to protect the both of you!
> 
> If your problem still persists, I'd recommend you seeing a good individual counselor or a trusted same sex friend whom you're rather comfortable conversing about such subject matters with!
> 
> You're in the absolute best years of your life ~ enjoy them!*


I want to wait until I'm not so nervous and it happens more naturally. I want it to feel natural and not forced. He's not going to wait around forever. From all the male friends I've talked to, who are in our age range, they wouldn't wait past a few dates.

This is going to be a really stupid question, but do men usually keep condoms on them or should I have some to? I've never used or bought them... embarrassing.

I have seen a sex therapist that helped a bit, but didn't fix anything. It simply made the sex "less bad". I do have anxiety and take a medication for that, but it's normally very under control.


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## Keira

Cooper said:


> OP the best thing to do is talk openly with the guy, if he truly cares for you he will be patient and gentle, honesty is a huge turn on. If he runs for the door then he wasn't the right man for you. Several years ago I started dating a woman who was a fifty year old widow, she had married her high school boyfriend and that was the only man she had ever been with, we eased into it and everything was great. So don't feel you are alone having only one sexual partner in your life, hell the guy might find that to be virtue.


I haven't talked to him about it. I'm scared to push him away. Or sound incredibly stupid, naive and immature. He divorced his wife for a variety of reasons but one was because she stopped having sex with him. I don't want him to be worried he's getting into a similar situation. He doesn't know that my husband left me over sex basically.

I know I need to talk to him though. If nothing more than to just tell him how nervous I am, and that it's been a long time. I feel like he'd understand, but the nerves are stopping me. I need to talk to him today or tomorrow, since we have plans Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday.... It's the "perfect time".

Thank you


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## Keira

TJW said:


> Keira said:
> 
> 
> 
> It didn't really ever feel good
> 
> 
> 
> It would be a good idea to get checked out by gynecology. Some simple problems may be stopping your enjoyment. Some women I have heard say they can't orgasm from penetrative intercourse are able to do it from direct stimulation of their clitoris.
Click to expand...

I was checked out when my ex-husband and I were still together. I saw two gynecologists about and neither found anything wrong. I've never got anywhere close to orgasm with penetration (sex, fingers, toy...). I've never been able to orgasm through clitoral stimulation unless it's with a vibrator. My ex-husband tried a lot, spent hours giving me oral and it felt good (after sex therapy) but I could never "get there".

I think I just can't make it good for myself... Or, what I hope, is my ex-husband and I were just incompatibile and it will be different and easier with a new man. But it's probably on me.


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## Ynot

I agree with SunCMars, the reality is that no one really sucks at sex. It is a natural thing. Now that is not to say our enjoyment of sex may be somewhat less than we would like. But as SunC said, practice makes perfect. You have been with just one man. A trend cannot be established from a single data point. So stop assuming you "suck at sex".

Obviously, when you have sex, it must be when you are ready. But I really think what is holding you back is your past experience with this one guy and your erroneous conclusion that you suck at it. I would discard the first thing and come to terms with reality on the second. 

OTOH maybe you just need to honestly ask your self if having a relationship (and the sex that goes with it) is something that you truly want or if it is something you feel you need to do because that is what society, church or family says you should want. If you truly want a relationship you are going to have to deal with these issues. If you don't there is no reason to string this guy along any further.


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## arbitrator

Keira said:


> I want to wait until I'm not so nervous and it happens more naturally. I want it to feel natural and not forced. He's not going to wait around forever. From all the male friends I've talked to, who are in our age range, they wouldn't wait past a few dates.
> 
> This is going to be a really stupid question, but do men usually keep condoms on them or should I have some to? I've never used or bought them... embarrassing.
> 
> I have seen a sex therapist that helped a bit, but didn't fix anything. It simply made the sex "less bad". I do have anxiety and take a medication for that, but it's normally very under control.


*Regardless, you are the preeminent decision maker here! Do not budge before you feel comfortable in your own skin! 

Regarding condoms, I would keep a small pack of the better quality brands on hand only breaking them out if your BF says that he doesn't have one on him!

But in this stage of your relationship with him, using them is an absolute must!*


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## SunCMars

Keira said:


> I want to wait until I'm not so nervous and it happens more naturally. I want it to feel natural and not forced. He's not going to wait around forever. From all the male friends I've talked to, who are in our age range, they wouldn't wait past a few dates.
> 
> This is going to be a really stupid question, but do men usually keep condoms on them or should I have some to? I've never used or bought them... embarrassing.
> 
> I have seen a sex therapist that helped a bit, but didn't fix anything. It simply made the sex "less bad". I do have anxiety and take a medication for that, but it's normally very under control.


Yes, bring a condom.

Oh, and tell him you bought it 'especially' for him. That you are not in the habit of having them in your' purse. Say it laughingly.

Oh, on the medication......some of those AI meds, as a side effect, mention a drop in sexual desire, physical sexual performance [mostly for men on this?].
Read the label and weep.:surprise:

Just Sayin'


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## C3156

It is the rare blooming flower that one seeks in life. Unfortunately your male friends are not to far off the mark, a lot of men just are not patient enough to wait for sex anymore. With the ease that society has moved into the hook-up culture, it can be difficult to find a committed person willing to wait anymore. Add to that all the discussion that I see about men avoiding marriage anymore, it is a hard road to navigate.

A couple of things that I see going on here.

You say that you are never able to orgasm with a man, but you do manage with a vibrator. So all hope is not lost. Sometimes it does take being with the right person to truly enjoy sex. I know that sex with my current wife is amazing compared to my previous union. Much more on the same playing field. 
The other thing about sex is the attitude, you claim that you suck at sex, you just don't get much out of it. Perhaps a paradigm shift is required in that you look at sex as an adventure, you never know what you find around the next corner. Sometimes good, sometimes no so much. Worst case, use every encounter as a learning experience to see what is good and what is not. Just a thought, a change in perception can make a world of difference. 
The last note on sex itself, are you comfortable with yourself? I know that you have seen a sex therapist, so that means they gave you exercises to work on. Did they help you feel more comfortable with your body and how it works?

This is the other thing I read:


Keira said:


> The man I am seeing has been very patient and doesn't push for anything. As soon as I say no, he drops it. I know the time is coming and I don't want to disappoint him. He's 36, he's been with a lot more people than I have (based on conversations). *He divorced his ex-wife because she wouldn't have sex*, so I know it's important to him.


He obviously has sex on his priority list of things he finds important in a relationship. Don't let that make you feel like you have to put out in order to keep him, but you do need to be honest and tell him how you feel about sex. I know you don't want to scare him off, but if you keep putting off sex with no explanation, he will eventually move on to someone more in line with what he wants. I am a patient man but frequency of sex in the relationship is an indicator of how it might be like married.

You are very anxious and this is your first relationship in a while. Talk to your man and get him to understand your position. If you are honest with him, a good man usually is more than willing to work with you. 

FYI, it doesn't matter who puts the condom on


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## GA HEART

GUUURL! Lol!

First of all, I am so sorry this is giving you such anxiety! Sex should be fun.

My ex husband was LOUSY in bed. Awful. I didn't want sex. Didn't want anything to do with it. I didn't realize this at all until.....

I actually had sex with someone who wasn't lousy.

A lot of sex IS the mental. And chemistry is HUGE. Definitely don't force yourself to go there if you aren't ready. If it pushes him away, so be it. I know that's hard to hear, especially if you're into him. How well I know. But it's important. Because if youre not relaxed and ready to enjoy, then yes, you are sabatoging yourself.

And in the meantime, buy lots of toys. LOTS. And use them. A LOT.  Learn what you like and what gets you there. Don't feel ashamed of yourself and your sexuality. It's uniquely YOURS and you are ALLOWED to explore it!! 

Besides, they aren't lying when they say your 30's is the peak time. Mine hit me and WHOOOOO BOY! Lol!

Have faith in YOURSELF. There isn't anything wrong with you, you just need to learn to trust you. <3


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## SunCMars

Another thing....

The new guy.

He too is a man. He too wants to hold a lovely women in his arms and take her to bed.
Good men, bad men wants this. Need this. They do.

With that in mind, he may just want *that and not much else. 
Time will tell. Patience in a man is a virtue, but not a bulletproof one. 
Good things come to man who is patient. And he is that.....indeed.


*Intimacy

..................................................................................................

Here's the thing.

Going to bed with a man or two is not the end of worthy credible life.
If you are picky, you will not lose one iota of dignity if you share your body and love.

I think @Diana7 needs to step in here before I step on my fragile and dusty toes.
She will set you straight. 

Me? I will set you free.


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## SunCMars

GA HEART said:


> GUUURL! Lol!
> 
> First of all, I am so sorry this is giving you such anxiety! Sex should be fun.
> 
> My ex husband was LOUSY in bed. Awful. I didn't want sex. Didn't want anything to do with it. I didn't realize this at all until.....
> 
> I actually had sex with someone who wasn't lousy.
> 
> A lot of sex IS the mental. And chemistry is HUGE. Definitely don't force yourself to go there if you aren't ready. If it pushes him away, so be it. I know that's hard to hear, especially if you're into him. How well I know. But it's important. Because if youre not relaxed and ready to enjoy, then yes, you are sabatoging yourself.
> 
> And in the meantime, buy lots of toys. LOTS. And use them. A LOT.  Learn what you like and what gets you there. Don't feel ashamed of yourself and your sexuality. It's uniquely YOURS and you are ALLOWED to explore it!!
> 
> Besides, they aren't lying when they say your 30's is the peak time. Mine hit me and WHOOOOO BOY! Lol!
> 
> Have faith in YOURSELF. There isn't anything wrong with you, you just need to learn to trust you. <3


Oh, sheee-ucks!


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## Lila

It sounds like you are suffering from Sexual Performance Anxiety. Your mind goes a million miles an hour in ten different directions. There are many different ways to manage the unfocused mind including drug, therapy, diet, and exercise but the one we've had the most success with is practicing Mindful Meditation or Mindfulness. A quick google search with turn out hundreds of links on how to do this correctly, but it's essentially a form of relaxation meditation. Might help especially if you also suffer from social anxiety.


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## TJW

Vibrator is the only way some women ever orgasm. Some of them never learn to orgasm without it. It's the "genetic lottery". Some learn techniques through practice with their husband, over time, which result in orgasm for her. Toys can indeed help, like devices which help to directly stimulate the clitoris during intercourse. 

A reasonable man should recognize that requiring a vibrator doesn't mean something is "wrong" with him. However, this is probably not where some men are "at".
Your happiness in marriage depends on finding a husband who "has skin in the game" (pun intended) and is there to SHARE sex with you, not with some imaginary "model", not some Hollywood trick-photography. However, this information is insidious falsehood. Even people who would never put on a red cape and jump out a 15th story window, somehow believe that these fictional stories are fact. 

If the man is with you out of his love and his devotion for you, you can start by having him use the vibrator on you. He won't object and he won't leave, that is, if he is an upright, loving, sacrificial man such as required to be a good husband.


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## Bananapeel

The more turned on a woman is the more easily she'll orgasm. I'm guessing that some of your sexual dysfunction with your husband had to do with him not exciting you enough. If the new guy really turns you on then sex will be a lot easier for you to enjoy. There's no need to rush things with him, but yes, you are correct...most guys won't wait indefinitely for a woman.


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## toblerone

Don't sweat it. If you're horny for the dude, go at it!


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## Keira

arbitrator said:


> Keira said:
> 
> 
> 
> I want to wait until I'm not so nervous and it happens more naturally. I want it to feel natural and not forced. He's not going to wait around forever. From all the male friends I've talked to, who are in our age range, they wouldn't wait past a few dates.
> 
> This is going to be a really stupid question, but do men usually keep condoms on them or should I have some to? I've never used or bought them... embarrassing.
> 
> I have seen a sex therapist that helped a bit, but didn't fix anything. It simply made the sex "less bad". I do have anxiety and take a medication for that, but it's normally very under control.
> 
> 
> 
> *Regardless, you are the preeminent decision maker here! Do not budge before you feel comfortable in your own skin!
> 
> Regarding condoms, I would keep a small pack of the better quality brands on hand only breaking them out if your BF says that he doesn't have one on him!
> 
> But in this stage of your relationship with him, using them is an absolute must!*
Click to expand...

Thank you. I'll buy some today, just in case... I won't have sex with him without a condom right now. I think it would be a long time before I am comfortable with that. Hopefully, if sex does come up, he doesn't balk at having to use one.


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## marriageontherocks2

Just tell him how you feel, he may be fine with waiting until you're really comfortable. Not all men are going to run for the hills because you aren't jumping into the sack right away. the ones that do are just looking for a hook-up which doesn't sound like what you're after anyway so good riddance.

Honestly, the characteristics you describe would be prized by a lot of men. it wouldn't be seen as a negative.


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## brooklynAnn

@Keira, I would not put so much pressure on myself. Because it creates too much anxiety that is not warranted.

I hardly every get an O from PIV with H on top ....the moons and planets have to be perfectly aligned for that to happen. In order for me to climax I would have to be on top or have some oral or use a toy. Or have them all together>. 

What I would advice is to have an honest convo with him about waiting until you feel it's the right time. 

Next, I will get some toys. Buy a few and try them out to figure out which you like. I would also, start reading some erotic materials. After all sex starts in the brain. Get to know your body by touching yourself and becoming comfortable with touching yourself. Start having Os by yourself and don't be worry about doing it too much at this time. Let your brain become accustom to this exercise. You are training yourself:wink2:, to enjoy sex. 

I would check out Lelo, they make really good toys. A bit expensive but very nice. Some of them are things of beauty.>

Hope this helps. And always use condoms...take them with you. A smart man uses them.


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## alexm

Keira said:


> I haven't talked to him about it. I'm scared to push him away. Or sound incredibly stupid, naive and immature. He divorced his wife for a variety of reasons but one was because she stopped having sex with him. I don't want him to be worried he's getting into a similar situation. He doesn't know that my husband left me over sex basically.
> 
> I know I need to talk to him though. If nothing more than to just tell him how nervous I am, and that it's been a long time. I feel like he'd understand, but the nerves are stopping me. I need to talk to him today or tomorrow, since we have plans Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday.... It's the "perfect time".
> 
> Thank you


To be completely honest with you, and this will be hard - I think he should be made aware of the fact that you don't really get much from sex (at least physically). A huge part of most men's sexuality is in their ability to please their partner, or to have a partner who genuinely loves sex with them.

Why is this important? Because he is obviously concerned enough about sex to have divorced someone over it. And to partake in a relationship with someone who is, for all intents and purposes, not on the same page sexually as him would be disastrous.

As I alluded to in my previous post, you're better off (for now, anyway) with someone who's had similar experiences (or lack thereof) and who is not looking to make up for lost time - as he clearly is.

I think it's important that he know you're not (currently, or have ever been) orgasmic. As I said before, he may take this as a "challenge", so be prepared for that. But that just means more pressure on you. Expect to hear things like "Oh, I'll get you off, baby, don't worry". And you know what? He might. But he probably won't.


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## alexm

C3156 said:


> It is the rare blooming flower that one seeks in life. Unfortunately your male friends are not to far off the mark, a lot of men just are not patient enough to wait for sex anymore. With the ease that society has moved into the hook-up culture, it can be difficult to find a committed person willing to wait anymore. Add to that all the discussion that I see about men avoiding marriage anymore, it is a hard road to navigate.


It may be that, but it may also be that sexuality, as a whole, is much more talked about these days.

I've never had a true ONS, a FWB, or any kind of 'hook up' in my life. I've had casual sex (with female friends) and relationship sex, and that's about it.

If I had to date again, I wouldn't wait that long, either. For one simple reason - compatibility.

As sex is an important part of a relationship for me (and many others, as we know), determining this compatibility relatively early on is not a bad thing at all. Quite the opposite - it's pretty smart, if you ask me.

I'm not talking 2nd or 3rd date (or any number of dates, really). Just the point that the two of you are evidently compatible in most other ways, and comfortable with one another. It's the logical next step, IMO.

If there's no compatibility in that aspect, it's no different than any other area that the two of you don't jive - provided it's important to one or both of you, of course. For some people, it's faaar down the line of importance, and mediocre sex is just fine. Even no sex, for some.

But in this particular case, sex IS important to him. So she already knows this out of the gate, which is good. If I were dating again, I'd make sure the person I was seeing, and interested in, knew this, too. And I'd expect the same from them, if the opposite were true (ie. didn't have much interest in sex).


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## Keira

alexm said:


> C3156 said:
> 
> 
> 
> It is the rare blooming flower that one seeks in life. Unfortunately your male friends are not to far off the mark, a lot of men just are not patient enough to wait for sex anymore. With the ease that society has moved into the hook-up culture, it can be difficult to find a committed person willing to wait anymore. Add to that all the discussion that I see about men avoiding marriage anymore, it is a hard road to navigate.
> 
> 
> 
> It may be that, but it may also be that sexuality, as a whole, is much more talked about these days.
> 
> I've never had a true ONS, a FWB, or any kind of 'hook up' in my life. I've had casual sex (with female friends) and relationship sex, and that's about it.
> 
> If I had to date again, I wouldn't wait that long, either. For one simple reason - compatibility.
> 
> As sex is an important part of a relationship for me (and many others, as we know), determining this compatibility relatively early on is not a bad thing at all. Quite the opposite - it's pretty smart, if you ask me.
> 
> I'm not talking 2nd or 3rd date (or any number of dates, really). Just the point that the two of you are evidently compatible in most other ways, and comfortable with one another. It's the logical next step, IMO.
> 
> If there's no compatibility in that aspect, it's no different than any other area that the two of you don't jive - provided it's important to one or both of you, of course. For some people, it's faaar down the line of importance, and mediocre sex is just fine. Even no sex, for some.
> 
> But in this particular case, sex IS important to him. So she already knows this out of the gate, which is good. If I were dating again, I'd make sure the person I was seeing, and interested in, knew this, too. And I'd expect the same from them, if the opposite were true (ie. didn't have much interest in sex).
Click to expand...

It's not that I'm disinterested in sex, I'm not at all, but I know I'm not going to be the world's best partner. I heard my ex-husband talking to friends about the best person he ever had sex with, I'm never going to be that person unless something crazy changes. With my ex-husband we started out having sex daily. It slowly dropped because he lost interest in me. For the last year of our marriage we didn't have any intimacy - he was getting it from someone else. I don't have a problem with frequent sex, but I don't get as much out of it as other people. I know that. I know it's disappointing for men. My ex-husband was never able to satisfy me and it drove him crazy, made him feel like I didn't really love him and led to our divorce. But you are right that he needs to know... He'll probably walk. Might as well be before I sleep with him...


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## Keira

alexm said:


> Keira said:
> 
> 
> 
> I haven't talked to him about it. I'm scared to push him away. Or sound incredibly stupid, naive and immature. He divorced his wife for a variety of reasons but one was because she stopped having sex with him. I don't want him to be worried he's getting into a similar situation. He doesn't know that my husband left me over sex basically.
> 
> I know I need to talk to him though. If nothing more than to just tell him how nervous I am, and that it's been a long time. I feel like he'd understand, but the nerves are stopping me. I need to talk to him today or tomorrow, since we have plans Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday.... It's the "perfect time".
> 
> Thank you
> 
> 
> 
> To be completely honest with you, and this will be hard - I think he should be made aware of the fact that you don't really get much from sex (at least physically). A huge part of most men's sexuality is in their ability to please their partner, or to have a partner who genuinely loves sex with them.
> 
> Why is this important? Because he is obviously concerned enough about sex to have divorced someone over it. And to partake in a relationship with someone who is, for all intents and purposes, not on the same page sexually as him would be disastrous.
> 
> As I alluded to in my previous post, you're better off (for now, anyway) with someone who's had similar experiences (or lack thereof) and who is not looking to make up for lost time - as he clearly is.
> 
> I think it's important that he know you're not (currently, or have ever been) orgasmic. As I said before, he may take this as a "challenge", so be prepared for that. But that just means more pressure on you. Expect to hear things like "Oh, I'll get you off, baby, don't worry". And you know what? He might. But he probably won't.
Click to expand...

You're right that I need to tell him... I don't want to because I know it will most likely make him walk. Everything else is going so well. What ruined my marriage just keeps ruining things. So this post was pointless. Whoever said I should just stay single is probably right.

I was feeling better about seeing him this weekend and maybe sleeping with him but that was stupid.


----------



## Phil Anders

If you're "interested" in sex, then you must get aroused/horny...and since you can orgasm solo with a vibrator, I can't help but think your difficulty in sexual encounters has a lot to do with mentality. Either you're over-conditioned to your solo routine or you're so self-conscious of the "problematic" pattern that you can't relax enough during sex. 

_A priori_, I wouldn't be into having a celibate/asexual relationship and held at arms' length for very long, and I suspect many men are in that camp with me. But consider: He's already noted that you aren't having sex, and your reticence will only prompt him to speculate on the reasons, and likely project his own prior negative experiences. 

So I would favor having a discussion soonest. Maybe finding out that your reasons aren't what he feared will make him more empathetic and patient. Maybe his compassion and understanding will help you relax enough to enjoy sex. 

As for the sex itself, it isn't an all-or-nothing affair. Short of the Big O, you could do a number of mutually enjoyable things now focused on intimacy that would confirm attraction and help you bond and move forward. And if he understands where you're coming from, he might be able to de-emphasize the typical "Well, _I'll_ make her come" challenge-olympics mindset long enough for you to relax and sort things out on your side.


----------



## CatJayBird

Just a side note, have you been tested?


----------



## Keira

CatJayBird said:


> Just a side note, have you been tested?


5 years ago, haven't had sex since.


----------



## wilson

How interested in sexual activity are you in general? It is something you crave? Not to be too blunt, but would you say you've masturbated on a regular basis during the past 5 years? 

Your past experience is pretty limited--too limited to say whether past results indicate future outcomes. If you didn't have a good connection with your ex-H, it's not surprising your sex life was lacking. If he was super focused on your O, that's a major part of the problem. Most women will have issues getting there if all the guy is focused on is that one thing. Many guys are tender, thoughtful, caring lovers who are more about having a loving experience than just making you have an O.

What is your ideal lover and sex experience? Is it that he rips your clothes off and takes you like a wild animal? Or that he holds you close with lots of kisses and you gently explore each other's bodies? What kind of things do you think about when you are pleasing yourself? There's a good chance that there's a guy out there who is that kind of lover. 

With this guy, just tell him that you really enjoy sex but that it will be a while before you can really relax and be yourself. And by "a while", that might be several weeks or months. But let him know that it feels really good and you feel really great making him feel great. In the meantime, just get lost in the feelings and don't think about any expectations. If he's like 99% of guys, he'll have a great time as long he knows you're having a great time.


----------



## Young at Heart

Keira said:


> ....I am 29 and have been divorced for 4 years. I just started dating this year, which is all new to me. Prior, I had never dated before.
> 
> *I have been seeing a man and we have gone on 4 long dates, and 5 short/quick lunch dates.
> 
> .....We have kissed but have not gone any further.
> 
> .....I have never had sex with someone I'm not in a relationship with and it terrifies me*.
> 
> 
> ....*I haven't had sex in 5 years, or even had anyone touch me. I have only had sex with my ex-husband. Up until this year he was the only man I had kissed.*
> 
> .I have always sucked at sex. I just do. The entire time I was with my husband I was never able to orgasm from foreplay, oral or sex. ..... *He tried everything, including couples sex therapy. Eventually he found a woman who he could please, and left me.*
> 
> *He hated that I couldn't enjoy it. I'm guessing any man will and it makes me not want to date at all.* There is other things too that make me an unenjoyable partner who doesn't know what she's doing, but in general I suck at sex. I'm scared to have sex with someone who can so easily walk away.
> 
> I don't know what to expect. I don't know how to make it true and good for him. I've never used condoms before or had to worry about STDs. The nerves are unreal. *I'm almost 30... and I'm freaked our about sex. *
> 
> *I want to have sex with him.* *The desires are strong when we are together*. He's a really good guy. But these nerves are going to ruin it. The "stars aligned" and we are both kid free Thursday - Sunday so we are planning to spend some time together. ..


A few thoughts. In today's world 9 dates constitutes a relationship.

You said you want to have sex with him, so if you do, then do it. If you don't mean that then tell him you are not ready.

From what you posted above, I would tell him you have only had sex with one man, your ex husband, that he (your new boyfriend) is so special that you want to have sex with him , but that you are scared. You are scared because it has been quite a while and your ex left you with some emotional baggage tied to sex with a man. I wouldn't go into specifics and above all don't say you suck at sex as you don't have enough experience to make such a judgement call. Also tell him it has been quite a while since you have had anything inside your vagina and you are a little afraid that you might have atrophied a bit in your ability to accommodate a man. 

Tell him you are not on any form of birth control and so if you have sex you will both need to be careful. Tell him that you were last tested for STD's 5 years ago after your divorce and haven't sexual with anyone, so you know you are safe. Ask if he has ever been tested or he would like to have the two of you go to be tested together?

If he is half the man you have said he is, he will be very gentle and go very slow with you.

My advice to you is get some KY jelly and condoms(oral sex and for PIV) and then buy a very fancy nightgown. Take it easy and remember that you both want sex to be enjoyable for both of you. 

Again, tell him you are nervous and would like to have him gently guide you into doing the things he likes and would like you to do with him. 

The biggest sex organ is the brain. If you want to have some extra fun, bring him to your place, have some wine with him. Tell him that you want to have sex with him in a few minutes, but before you do you want to change into a nightgown and sit and talk to him about what he would like to do with you and how he wants the two of you to make love. Ask him questions about what he likes, if he likes to cuddle first, after, during. Ask him what he likes for his foreplay and what he especially likes when he is orgasms. Talk to him about sex, so you get an idea of what will happen and so that it won't be a complete surprise. Also it just might help mentally arouse the both of you.

Enjoy. And Good luck.


----------



## wilson

Don't try to jump right into sex. With your long weekend coming up, here are some ways to gently get your body and mind in the right groove for things to happen naturally.

One thing that may help is to do some kind of activity where there is lots of opportunity for casual physical contact. For example, skating, swimming, ballroom dancing, etc. You can have hours where you are both feeling each other's bodies in a safe environment and your natural desire will take over and quell your nerves. 

Drinking can also help, but I only make that suggestion cautiously if you can limit yourself to something like 1 drink per hour. Do not, in any circumstances, get drunk thinking it is the solution. One drink per hour or less.

Do activities where you are fully engaged with each other. Not things like going to the movies or plays where you're sitting apart pondering your worries. Rather, do activities where you are talking and working on things together. Maybe go to a paint your own pottery class, then go home and make dinner together, and then watch a movie while cuddling on the couch. This way there's a very natural progression into things are are more intimate and passionate.

I think you'll be fine. Just accept that the first time or so is going to be what it is, but in time things will get more natural.


----------



## uhtred

First of all, its absolutely fine for you to have sex with him if you want, and not to if you don't want. Its also completely fine for him to keep dating you if he wants, or stop dating you if he wants - and there is nothing wrong with him deciding that based on sex. You are dating, not married - if what you are doing makes both of you happy you should continue, if it doesn't then you should stop.

The choice is completely yours.

My advice is that if you are attracted to him, you should have sex, or at least engage in some sexual activity. Some men will assume that if a date doesn't want sex after several dates, that there is no sexual interest / spark and may move on. OTOH if you don't feel sexually attracted then maybe there is no spark and you should wait for someone else where there is one. 

If sex isn't important to you that is fine too - but after a few dates you should let people know so that they can bow out gracefully.

To me its all about compatibility, not right / wrong. If you are dating and one person wants sex and the other doesn't, there is a compatibility problem.


----------



## Keira

brooklynAnn said:


> @Keira, I would not put so much pressure on myself. Because it creates too much anxiety that is not warranted.
> 
> I hardly every get an O from PIV with H on top ....the moons and planets have to be perfectly aligned for that to happen. In order for me to climax I would have to be on top or have some oral or use a toy. Or have them all together
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> .
> 
> What I would advice is to have an honest convo with him about waiting until you feel it's the right time.
> 
> Next, I will get some toys. Buy a few and try them out to figure out which you like. I would also, start reading some erotic materials. After all sex starts in the brain. Get to know your body by touching yourself and becoming comfortable with touching yourself. Start having Os by yourself and don't be worry about doing it too much at this time. Let your brain become accustom to this exercise. You are training yourself
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> , to enjoy sex.
> 
> I would check out Lelo, they make really good toys. A bit expensive but very nice. Some of them are things of beauty.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Hope this helps. And always use condoms...take them with you. A smart man uses them.


I have a few toys, under 10, but only regularly use 2 of them. The others I didn't like, which is fine. One I've had for probably 13 years and the other 6 years. So maybe it's time to try something new... When my ex husband and I were doing sex therapy the therapist wanted me to learn to get myself off, no toys. I was never able to do that. I'm pretty okay with not reaching orgasm from penetration because I know it's normal (I still wish I could) but I'm not okay with not being able to orgasm at all from a man.


----------



## WorkingOnMe

I think your fear that he’ll move on at some point without sex is well founded. And that doesn’t make him a bad person. Everyone has to have their boundaries. You’re either compatible or your not. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## uhtred

Some men are completely OK with using vibrators during sex to help their partner O. Others are not. 



Keira said:


> I have a few toys, under 10, but only regularly use 2 of them. The others I didn't like, which is fine. One I've had for probably 13 years and the other 6 years. So maybe it's time to try something new... When my ex husband and I were doing sex therapy the therapist wanted me to learn to get myself off, no toys. I was never able to do that. I'm pretty okay with not reaching orgasm from penetration because I know it's normal (I still wish I could) but I'm not okay with not being able to orgasm at all from a man.


----------



## Keira

uhtred said:


> Some men are completely OK with using vibrators during sex to help their partner O. Others are not.
> 
> 
> 
> Keira said:
> 
> 
> 
> I have a few toys, under 10, but only regularly use 2 of them. The others I didn't like, which is fine. One I've had for probably 13 years and the other 6 years. So maybe it's time to try something new... When my ex husband and I were doing sex therapy the therapist wanted me to learn to get myself off, no toys. I was never able to do that. I'm pretty okay with not reaching orgasm from penetration because I know it's normal (I still wish I could) but I'm not okay with not being able to orgasmi at all from a man.
Click to expand...

My ex-husband was fine with using a vibrator during sex, but even then I couldn't always orgasm. He put a lot of pressure on me and for him, then end goal of sex was orgasm. The odd time I did reach orgasm from a vibrator during sex I still felt like crap for not being able to get their myself. We also had trouble finding one that didn't interfere with sex too much, it seemed most did.


----------



## Keira

WorkingOnMe said:


> I think your fear that he?ll move on at some point without sex is well founded. And that doesn?t make him a bad person. Everyone has to have their boundaries. You?re either compatible or your not.
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I wouldn't think of him as a bad person for moving on due to no sex. Thus far, he's not a bad guy. It hasn't been an extremely long time but he's waited longer than others. I have a strong feeling that he will move on after this weekend if either we don't have sex or make some sort of sexually advancement. I want to have sex with him, I do. 

I don't want to be "dumped" again over my (lack of) sexually abilities. I can't handle that after losing my husband to it. I'm also scared to sleep with a guy, have him move on right after and me end up hurt. Sex is a big deal to me and I'm not use to just giving it away. I know I have to get over that. Sleep with him or lose him just seems like part of life these days, it's too easy for him to get it somewhere else.


----------



## Keira

uhtred said:


> First of all, its absolutely fine for you to have sex with him if you want, and not to if you don't want. Its also completely fine for him to keep dating you if he wants, or stop dating you if he wants - and there is nothing wrong with him deciding that based on sex. You are dating, not married - if what you are doing makes both of you happy you should continue, if it doesn't then you should stop.
> 
> The choice is completely yours.
> 
> My advice is that if you are attracted to him, you should have sex, or at least engage in some sexual activity. Some men will assume that if a date doesn't want sex after several dates, that there is no sexual interest / spark and may move on. OTOH if you don't feel sexually attracted then maybe there is no spark and you should wait for someone else where there is one.
> 
> If sex isn't important to you that is fine too - but after a few dates you should let people know so that they can bow out gracefully.
> 
> To me its all about compatibility, not right / wrong. If you are dating and one person wants sex and the other doesn't, there is a compatibility problem.


I am sexually attracted to him and I do want to have sex with him. Sex is important to me, maybe not early on sex as much as it is to other people. I don't want a sexless relationship. In my marriage at the beginning when things were good we were having sex 1-2 times a day and I was happy with that. It's more than just getting off and feeling good to me. I just liked to be close to him, bonding with him, making him feel good. His happiness slowly tapered off when he couldn't "please" me until we stopped having sex totally because he'd rather go without than have sex with me (or use his side who're after she came into the picture).

I want to make some sort of advancement this weekend, so he knows I'm interested and maybe to help me ease into it. I just don't know what I'd even do. I don't know if it's the same with all men, but with my ex we couldn't just do touching, making out, oral, without sex. One thing always, always led to another even if he promised it wouldn't. I don't want to feel pressured again. Plus, oral is out because that's not safe to do. I just don't want to lead him on. If I tell him where my mind is I don't want to scare him away.


----------



## Keira

wilson said:


> Don't try to jump right into sex. With your long weekend coming up, here are some ways to gently get your body and mind in the right groove for things to happen naturally.
> 
> One thing that may help is to do some kind of activity where there is lots of opportunity for casual physical contact. For example, skating, swimming, ballroom dancing, etc. You can have hours where you are both feeling each other's bodies in a safe environment and your natural desire will take over and quell your nerves.
> 
> Drinking can also help, but I only make that suggestion cautiously if you can limit yourself to something like 1 drink per hour. Do not, in any circumstances, get drunk thinking it is the solution. One drink per hour or less.
> 
> Do activities where you are fully engaged with each other. Not things like going to the movies or plays where you're sitting apart pondering your worries. Rather, do activities where you are talking and working on things together. Maybe go to a paint your own pottery class, then go home and make dinner together, and then watch a movie while cuddling on the couch. This way there's a very natural progression into things are are more intimate and passionate.
> 
> I think you'll be fine. Just accept that the first time or so is going to be what it is, but in time things will get more natural.


I do like your idea of going slowly and letting things build up.

We have Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday to ourselves, and we could spend the night 3 of those nights (kids come back Sunday night). I don't think we would spend the whole long weekend together, that seems a bit much at this point. We do want to use the time to our advantage though. He said he has lots of things planned but hasn't told me what and wants it to be a surprise. I would hope that he would at least spend the night with me if we do have sex.

I'm not much of a drinker but I have thought about doing it to calm my nerves a bit. I'd be a bit worried about overdoing it and getting more drunk than I'm comfortable with. The most I've had is 4 drinks over 7 hours and I was in no place to have sex that night. I know he drinks.

I've read a lot that first times with a new partner often aren't that great. Is that a common thing? If it's not very good, or not good at all, will he wait around to try again?


----------



## Keira

Young at Heart said:


> A few thoughts. In today's world 9 dates constitutes a relationship.
> 
> You said you want to have sex with him, so if you do, then do it. If you don't mean that then tell him you are not ready.
> 
> From what you posted above, I would tell him you have only had sex with one man, your ex husband, that he (your new boyfriend) is so special that you want to have sex with him , but that you are scared. You are scared because it has been quite a while and your ex left you with some emotional baggage tied to sex with a man. I wouldn't go into specifics and above all don't say you suck at sex as you don't have enough experience to make such a judgement call. Also tell him it has been quite a while since you have had anything inside your vagina and you are a little afraid that you might have atrophied a bit in your ability to accommodate a man.
> 
> Tell him you are not on any form of birth control and so if you have sex you will both need to be careful. Tell him that you were last tested for STD's 5 years ago after your divorce and haven't sexual with anyone, so you know you are safe. Ask if he has ever been tested or he would like to have the two of you go to be tested together?
> 
> If he is half the man you have said he is, he will be very gentle and go very slow with you.
> 
> My advice to you is get some KY jelly and condoms(oral sex and for PIV) and then buy a very fancy nightgown. Take it easy and remember that you both want sex to be enjoyable for both of you.
> 
> Again, tell him you are nervous and would like to have him gently guide you into doing the things he likes and would like you to do with him.
> 
> The biggest sex organ is the brain. If you want to have some extra fun, bring him to your place, have some wine with him. Tell him that you want to have sex with him in a few minutes, but before you do you want to change into a nightgown and sit and talk to him about what he would like to do with you and how he wants the two of you to make love. Ask him questions about what he likes, if he likes to cuddle first, after, during. Ask him what he likes for his foreplay and what he especially likes when he is orgasms. Talk to him about sex, so you get an idea of what will happen and so that it won't be a complete surprise. Also it just might help mentally arouse the both of you.
> 
> Enjoy. And Good luck.


We aren't in a relationship at this point. He has said he's not jumping into one and hasn't said that we are exclusive. We have talked about it and he said we aren't there yet but he's not seeing anyone else. A friend said he just doesn't want to feel like a **** when/if he meets someone else. Right now though, neither of us are seeing someone else but we are not exclusive technically or in a relationship. Maybe that will change soon.

I do want to have sex with him. It's the fears and nerves that hold me back. When I'm with him I want to have sex with him. I can spend the majority of our dates turned on and wanting to have sex with him, but when the opportunity comes up I back out. I'm not leading him on.

He doesn't know much about my romantic/sexually past. He asks personal questions, but not about sex/history. He has said before that he never asks a woman how many men she has slept with. If he doesn't want that information I'm not sure id I should volunteer it. He doesn't really know why my marriage ended, aside from we drifted apart/wanted different things in life. Would a man generally find it weird to hear the woman he's seeing hasn't had sex in 5 years? Be turned off? I don't want him to get the wrong impression (that I'm not into sex, like his ex).

You are right that I shouldn't tell him that I suck in bed. Is an atrophied vagina actually a thing? Nothing, not a single thing, has been up there in 5 years - except a doctor once a year. Penetration was always a bit painful with my ex (he was on the larger circumference side), I don't want that to have become worse... Fingering or toys up there, I hate, I get nothing enjoyable from it, so I haven't done it.

I have an IUD. I had it placed before I divorced and didn't bother having it out. I didn't think it would take me this long to get back into things. I do still want to use condoms though, both for stds and pregnancy. At some point I guess we'd stop using them but I don't know when. I know I'm std free, we haven't talked about it though. 

My ex wasn't a fan of lube, he always thought that I should be able to get wet enough myself. Is that a common belief? I don't want to suggest that we use it and have Scott assume I'm not into it. I was under the impression that you shouldn't do oral until you are both exclusive and clean. I've never used a condom for oral (or at all) and wouldn't have expected that to come up. Guess I should be prepared for that. I don't know how comfortable I'd be giving him oral right now, at this point. That's stupid I guess. Sex is sex. 

I do want him to take more of the control and do the guiding. For right now.


----------



## Keira

wilson said:


> How interested in sexual activity are you in general? It is something you crave? Not to be too blunt, but would you say you've masturbated on a regular basis during the past 5 years?
> 
> Your past experience is pretty limited--too limited to say whether past results indicate future outcomes. If you didn't have a good connection with your ex-H, it's not surprising your sex life was lacking. If he was super focused on your O, that's a major part of the problem. Most women will have issues getting there if all the guy is focused on is that one thing. Many guys are tender, thoughtful, caring lovers who are more about having a loving experience than just making you have an O.
> 
> What is your ideal lover and sex experience? Is it that he rips your clothes off and takes you like a wild animal? Or that he holds you close with lots of kisses and you gently explore each other's bodies? What kind of things do you think about when you are pleasing yourself? There's a good chance that there's a guy out there who is that kind of lover.
> 
> With this guy, just tell him that you really enjoy sex but that it will be a while before you can really relax and be yourself. And by "a while", that might be several weeks or months. But let him know that it feels really good and you feel really great making him feel great. In the meantime, just get lost in the feelings and don't think about any expectations. If he's like 99% of guys, he'll have a great time as long he knows you're having a great time.


I do want to have sex with him, and sex in general. At times I've wished I could be the person to just not care and go out and sleep with whomever. When I'm with him I'm almost always turned on. I have masturbated in the last 5 years. How often fluctuates. Sometimes I could go over a month without, other times daily. Based on myself and my previous marriage I think I'd prefer frequent sex over infrequent sex. Especially with someone I'm into.

I did love my ex though and I was into him a lot (for most of our marriage). He was very attractive, he started off wanting daily sex, he wanted to do anything to please me, he wasn't into anything "weird" that I wasn't into. I was easily turned on by him. It didn't matter, I couldn't get off for him. He put a lot of pressure on orgasm and said no one else he had ever been with had problems getting there, making me feel more like crap. 

I don't know what I want. I think/fantasize about both sides. My sex life with my ex was very "boring" some people would say. We stuck to the classic him on top or me on top, always in the bedroom. A few times on the couch. I got bored of it over time. 

I'm worried that, like with my ex, the sex won't feel good. No type of penetration has ever felt good for me. It has either hurt a bit or just felt like nothing (no pain or pleasure). If a gspot is supposed to be there its not, and trust me I've tried. If it doesn't feel good do I lie and say/act like it does? I was still into it, just didn't get the same things out of it that I'm supposed to and that a man wants me to...


----------



## Cooper

Have you tried lotions or creams? Some are made to enhance the sensation of sex. Have you had your doctor check your clit? Maybe it's buried too deeply or something, that's a wild ass guess on my part, but from my own experience (man here) I know different women need different techniques to reach orgasm due to the geography of their vagina. (how's that for a descriptive phrase?)

I think you wanting to have sex is a positive, but thinking of sex stresses you out and that's not conducive to great sex. Somehow you need to get out of your own head, but you know that. I think you gauging your relationship value by sex is beating the hell out of your confidence and that just circles back to more stress. I believe the right man with patients and loving gentle hands can make sex enjoyable for you, the goal doesn't always have to be orgasm, orgasms are great but that's the end, it's the intimacy that forges relationships.


----------



## SunCMars

alexm said:


> A huge part of most men's sexuality is in their ability to please their partner, or to have a partner who genuinely loves sex with them.


This is so true.

Some men will go to great lengths. Your ex husband did.

The other possibility is to marry an older man.....not a Martian.

He may 'want' to do a lot of things sexually, but age will prevent any Olympic performances.

He will look at you as a trophy wife, will overlook any shortcomings, missing comings.


----------



## alexm

Keira said:


> You're right that I need to tell him... I don't want to because I know it will most likely make him walk. Everything else is going so well. What ruined my marriage just keeps ruining things. So this post was pointless. Whoever said I should just stay single is probably right.
> 
> I was feeling better about seeing him this weekend and maybe sleeping with him but that was stupid.


I disagree completely.

If you WANT to, sleep with him. Seriously. If you like the guy and want this relationship to progress, and you WANT to have sex, then do it. But if you don't want to have sex, then don't. That is exactly when the worst case scenario will happen and the sex will be bad.

You've had little experience, not to mention it was with the wrong partner, it seems.

My ex wife was also not satisfied by me, AT ALL. My current wife is. I didn't magically learn how to please a woman.

It was a combination of proper sexual compatibility AND my wife knowing what she likes and wants AND my willingness and ability to listen to her. Right off the bat. Our first time together was unbelievable, for both of us. This was after ~14 years of pretty much what you described your experiences to be - bad sex. And pretty much the same for her, I might add. She'd had more experience than I did, and certainly did have good sex once in a while, but not like this.

For you, your first real experience with sex was negative, and you blame yourself. But it takes two.

The key is not getting into your head as much as you seem to have. The entire time I was with my ex wife, I just figured I was a bad lover. I was genuinely shocked after the first time with my current wife. I knew then that it wasn't me. Nor was all the blame on my ex wife, either. We just didn't work for each other.


----------



## alexm

Keira said:


> I have a few toys, under 10, but only regularly use 2 of them. The others I didn't like, which is fine. One I've had for probably 13 years and the other 6 years. So maybe it's time to try something new... When my ex husband and I were doing sex therapy the therapist wanted me to learn to get myself off, no toys. I was never able to do that. I'm pretty okay with not reaching orgasm from penetration because I know it's normal (I still wish I could) but I'm not okay with not being able to orgasm at all from a man.


It's a bit of a catch-22, using toys. The therapist who suggested you learn to O by yourself is absolutely correct, IMO. A toy does not mimic anything a human being can do, and it's extremely easy to numb ones self to the point that an O isn't possible any other way.

It sounds as though you've used sex toys since you were about 16, and, I assume, not sexually active. If you started out your sexual exploration with a vibrator, it's not surprising that there's difficulty in reaching orgasm without.


----------



## Bananapeel

Keira said:


> My ex-husband was fine with using a vibrator during sex, but even then I couldn't always orgasm. He put a lot of pressure on me and for him, then end goal of sex was orgasm. The odd time I did reach orgasm from a vibrator during sex I still felt like crap for not being able to get their myself. We also had trouble finding one that didn't interfere with sex too much, it seemed most did.


Not all guys are like this. It's generally guys that are somewhat insecure about their performance that need the reassurance of a woman's orgasm to know they did a good job. I personally just tell the woman that I'm responsible for my enjoyment and she's responsible for hers, so whatever she feels like is fine with me and she gets to take charge of her own sexuality. It takes the pressure off so she can enjoy sex, whether she has a mind blowing orgasm or simply just enjoys the closeness and bonding. Of course, with less pressure the women tend to not have performance anxiety and orgasm a lot easier so it's a win-win situation.


----------



## Spicy

So you are not practicing abstinence for a moral or religious reason (i.e. no sex before marriage) is that correct?

If so, get out your best lingerie, shave all you should, bring some great condoms and coconut oil for you, and maybe some Astroglide for him (H prefers coconut oil). Try both >

I’m a full discloser kinda girl. Yet, I personally would not bring this up before sex. For a few reasons...I think you were completely with the wrong man, and he put pressure on you, which pretty much never works. What I WOULD say to this guy is that you love pleasuring your lover, and for him to please never pressure you to orgasm, that things like “baby cum for me” DO NOT work for you. Tell him your experience is limited, so you will undoubtedly be nervous, and may not cum at first because of that. Let him know you will be ok with that, and will greatly enjoy all the rest of it.

This sets the stage for a much greater chance of success, or at least closer to success. You have got to get the pressure completely removed. YOU also need to go into your new sexual experiences not expecting to orgasm, but to enjoy the other person, and that closeness and intimacy. 

For this long weekend together. Make out with him like crazy. If your body tells you to stop, then stop. Then the next opportunity make out like crazy again. Let him get you breathless, soaking wet, ready to ride. At some point over the weekend, I bet the right time will hit you. When it does, melt into him, and have FUN.

You are NOT broken sweetheart. You have had ONE attempt that failed. ONE. Imagine giving up on anything else you do because of one thing that you didn’t do it perfect the first time you tried? Like driving...how fab were you at it the first time behind the wheel? Probably pretty nervous, made a ton of mistakes, and overall did a lousy job. Imagine if you gave up after that. I think you get the point...now get HIS point!

So chill, make out with your hot new man, and have a rocking good weekend. Let us know how it goes. Oh, and welcome to TAM we hope you stay with us and keep posting!


----------



## uhtred

One other thought - sex should not be goal driven. If you have sex, enjoy what you are doing, but don't worry about having an O. If it happens, thats great, if it doesn't then over time you can try to figure out what works for you.


----------



## Spicy

She’ll respond to us later....she’s waaaaaaaay to busy this Thurs-Sunday!!! >


----------



## Thor

Keira said:


> The man I am seeing has been very patient and doesn't push for anything. As soon as I say no, he drops it. I know the time is coming and I don't want to disappoint him.
> .
> .
> .
> I have had 3 men stop communicating with me after dates, presumably because I didn't put out. One confirmed that, the others based on the circumstances it fits. I need to step up the pace, no grown man is going to wait around these days.


Go at the pace you are comfortable with. Being in a relationship is about you being comfortable and having fun. It is not about servicing the other person. Yes there will be men who go away when you don't have sex right away, but those men are not looking for a long term relationship and/or their views on sex are different than yours, i.e. not compatible.

It doesn't make you wrong or them wrong.

Sex definitely changes the nature of a relationship. You need to establish that you are both happy with the relationship without sex before introducing sex. If you're both looking for just short term fun, then sex is probably an early addition. But if you're both looking for a longer term relationship, perhaps for years, then you need to establish your compatibility in all the other areas. Otherwise your relationship will only be based on sex, which is not what a long term friendship and companionship are based on.

However, I believe your issue is more about self doubts than a world view on the morality of sex or on the kind of relationship you are trying to cultivate.



Keira said:


> I have always sucked at sex. I just do. The entire time I was with my husband I was never able to orgasm from foreplay, oral or sex. I know a lot of women don't orgasm from penetration, but I couldn't even get close. It didn't really ever feel good, and size was not an issue. My ex-husband would go down on me for over an hour and I could never orgasm. He tried everything, including couples sex therapy. Eventually he found a woman who he could please, and left me. He hated that I couldn't enjoy it. I'm guessing any man will and it makes me not want to date at all. There is other things too that make me an unenjoyable partner who doesn't know what she's doing, but in general I suck at sex. I'm scared to have sex with someone who can so easily walk away.
> 
> I don't know what to expect. I don't know how to make it true and good for him. I've never used condoms before or had to worry about STDs. The nerves are unreal. I'm almost 30... and I'm freaked our about sex.
> 
> I want to have sex with him. The desires are strong when we are together. He's a really good guy. But these nerves are going to ruin it. The "stars aligned" and we are both kid free Thursday - Sunday so we are planning to spend some time together.
> 
> Help.... Sorry for typos, it's 4am and I haven't slept yet due to these nerves. I'm literally losing sleep.


I think you should do 2 things. First you should seek out individual therapy. Chances are your inability to reach orgasm is psychological not medical. Sex should be a fairly selfish thing, where you are responsible for your own pleasure. He is responsible for his. You are not there to make sure he orgasms. And whether or not you orgasm should not be central to whether sex is good for him.

The second thing may be to talk to this man about your concerns. The goal would be for him to understand that you do desire him but that you are anxious about not being good in bed with him. He is in the dark right now, which is not good in the long run for your relationship.

It may be that what you need is a relationship with no pressures to become long term. Just fun for today. Therefore you have no pressure to be good in bed. Your only goal is to just have fun yourself.

Btw, not being good in bed is not the same thing as not reaching orgasm. You might really rock his world yet never experience an orgasm yourself. Not being good in bed means he has a terrible time because you don't know how to make him feel pleasure. I think you may be confusing the two.


----------



## wilson

Spicy said:


> She’ll respond to us later....she’s waaaaaaaay to busy this Thurs-Sunday!!! >


What?!? How can she manage without us?!? *Kiera*, if you're reading this, make sure you're logged in at all times and give us the minute-by-minute update. We're here for you!


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## Keira

Saturday night we had sex and fell asleep naked together. Sunday morning (this morning) I woke up to him rubbing himself against me and trying to push himself in, when I looked at him he inserted all the way two or three times, then stayed very still while inside me for went felt like forever but probably wasn't. He asked if it was okay and I said yes even though that wasn't what I was thinking. I was blank, I didn't know what to think. It was outside of my comfort zone for sex to start that way, especially with someone so new. Maybe it's normal, I don't know? He kept going and asked a couple more times if this was okay. He changed positions (we were spooning) and I noticed that he didn't have a condom on. I didn't know that he didn't have one on before that. It hurt so bad in that position that I couldn't feel anything other than pain (he didn't know that it hurt). I said something about him not having one on and he acknowledged that he needed to put one on but kept going for "just a sec". I pushed on him a bit to try and get him to stop and he finished. Inside me. No condom. I asked him after again if he's clean and he said of course and kind of laughed/shook it off like it was nothing. But it scares the crap out of me. Even if he would have stopped and put a condom on that bridge was already crossed, but it just feels worse. I have an iud but getting pregnant still scares the **** out of me. I haven't felt for my iud strings in years, had no need to. I just wasn't prepared for unprotected sex and my mind is going a million miles an hour.

Someone talk me out of it and tell me that he's not a terrible person, right? Everything else went so well. I really enjoy spending time with him. He's incredibly nice, sweet, funny. He did all of the gentlemanly things. He didn't make me feel pressured at all for sex. We had a really good time until Sunday morning. We went out for breakfast after but I went home after that, I just wanted to go home. We had sex 4 times before that, he didn't hesitate to use a condom and went very slow. He didn't care at all that I had only been with my ex-husband and was nervous. If anything I think he liked it. He didn't make the sex all about sex and it was really nice. It felt like sex was just a bonus, not the whole show. Before Sunday I was super happy and had no uncertainty. Now I'm so unsure. Maybe I'm being stupid. He knows what he's doing more than I do. I'm being stupid right? We spent the entire weekend together if he was a bad guy it would have shown sooner right? We didn't talk about being exclusive though... And that probably should have happened over the weekend based on how it all went.


----------



## just got it 55

Keira said:


> It's not that I'm disinterested in sex, I'm not at all, but I know I'm not going to be the world's best partner. I heard my ex-husband talking to friends about the best person he ever had sex with, I'm never going to be that person unless something crazy changes. With my ex-husband we started out having sex daily. It slowly dropped because he lost interest in me. For the last year of our marriage we didn't have any intimacy - *he was getting it from someone else*. I don't have a problem with frequent sex, but I don't get as much out of it as other people. I know that. I know it's disappointing for men. My ex-husband was never able to satisfy me and it drove him crazy, made him feel like *I didn't really love him and led to our divorce.* But you are right that he needs to know... He'll probably walk. Might as well be before I sleep with him...



OP do you understant what I am pointing out here?

55


----------



## Keira

just got it 55 said:


> Keira said:
> 
> 
> 
> It's not that I'm disinterested in sex, I'm not at all, but I know I'm not going to be the world's best partner. I heard my ex-husband talking to friends about the best person he ever had sex with, I'm never going to be that person unless something crazy changes. With my ex-husband we started out having sex daily. It slowly dropped because he lost interest in me. For the last year of our marriage we didn't have any intimacy - *he was getting it from someone else*. I don't have a problem with frequent sex, but I don't get as much out of it as other people. I know that. I know it's disappointing for men. My ex-husband was never able to satisfy me and it drove him crazy, made him feel like *I didn't really love him and led to our divorce.* But you are right that he needs to know... He'll probably walk. Might as well be before I sleep with him...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> OP do you understant what I am pointing out here?
> 
> 55
Click to expand...

Honestly? No... My ex husband was sleeping with someone else. He thought I didn't love him because I couldn't orgasm. Until our marriage got that bad (him screwing other women) I did love him. I understand where he thought he was coming from but not how it pertains to me.


----------



## Diana7

Keira said:


> I know to a lot of you I will sound ridiculous and I hesitated making this account and posting. Be gentle.
> 
> I am 29 and have been divorced for 4 years. I just started dating this year, which is all new to me. Prior, I had never dated before.
> 
> I have been seeing a man and we have gone on 4 long dates, and 5 short/quick lunch dates. We work in the same building (different companies) and grab lunch together sometimes. Our first date was 4 weeks ago. We haven't had sex. We have kissed but have not gone any further. I am sure he would if I was up for it. After all of our long dates he has invited me in or asked if I want him to come in. I hate saying no.
> 
> I have never had sex with someone I'm not in a relationship with and it terrifies me. I haven't had sex in 5 years, or even had anyone touch me. I have only had sex with my ex-husband. Up until this year he was the only man I had kissed.
> 
> The man I am seeing has been very patient and doesn't push for anything. As soon as I say no, he drops it. I know the time is coming and I don't want to disappoint him. He's 36, he's been with a lot more people than I have (based on conversations). He divorced his ex-wife because she wouldn't have sex, so I know it's important to him. It's not really the same, but I know he won't wait much longer and when it does happen I don't want to disappoint him.
> 
> I have had 3 men stop communicating with me after dates, presumably because I didn't put out. One confirmed that, the others based on the circumstances it fits. I need to step up the pace, no grown man is going to wait around these days.
> 
> I have always sucked at sex. I just do. The entire time I was with my husband I was never able to orgasm from foreplay, oral or sex. I know a lot of women don't orgasm from penetration, but I couldn't even get close. It didn't really ever feel good, and size was not an issue. My ex-husband would go down on me for over an hour and I could never orgasm. He tried everything, including couples sex therapy. Eventually he found a woman who he could please, and left me. He hated that I couldn't enjoy it. I'm guessing any man will and it makes me not want to date at all. There is other things too that make me an unenjoyable partner who doesn't know what she's doing, but in general I suck at sex. I'm scared to have sex with someone who can so easily walk away.
> 
> I don't know what to expect. I don't know how to make it true and good for him. I've never used condoms before or had to worry about STDs. The nerves are unreal. I'm almost 30... and I'm freaked our about sex.
> 
> I want to have sex with him. The desires are strong when we are together. He's a really good guy. But these nerves are going to ruin it. The "stars aligned" and we are both kid free Thursday - Sunday so we are planning to spend some time together.
> 
> Help.... Sorry for typos, it's 4am and I haven't slept yet due to these nerves. I'm literally losing sleep.


 Why don't you wait till you know him a lot better and are actually in love with each other(if it lasts), and then you will be far less worried about it.


----------



## oldshirt

Keira said:


> Saturday night we had sex and fell asleep naked together. Sunday morning (this morning) I woke up to him rubbing himself against me and trying to push himself in, when I looked at him he inserted all the way two or three times, then stayed very still while inside me for went felt like forever but probably wasn't. He asked if it was okay and I said yes even though that wasn't what I was thinking. I was blank, I didn't know what to think. It was outside of my comfort zone for sex to start that way, especially with someone so new. Maybe it's normal, I don't know? He kept going and asked a couple more times if this was okay. He changed positions (we were spooning) and I noticed that he didn't have a condom on. I didn't know that he didn't have one on before that. It hurt so bad in that position that I couldn't feel anything other than pain (he didn't know that it hurt). I said something about him not having one on and he acknowledged that he needed to put one on but kept going for "just a sec". I pushed on him a bit to try and get him to stop and he finished. Inside me. No condom. I asked him after again if he's clean and he said of course and kind of laughed/shook it off like it was nothing. But it scares the crap out of me. Even if he would have stopped and put a condom on that bridge was already crossed, but it just feels worse. I have an iud but getting pregnant still scares the **** out of me. I haven't felt for my iud strings in years, had no need to. I just wasn't prepared for unprotected sex and my mind is going a million miles an hour.
> 
> Someone talk me out of it and tell me that he's not a terrible person, right? Everything else went so well. I really enjoy spending time with him. He's incredibly nice, sweet, funny. He did all of the gentlemanly things. He didn't make me feel pressured at all for sex. We had a really good time until Sunday morning. We went out for breakfast after but I went home after that, I just wanted to go home. We had sex 4 times before that, he didn't hesitate to use a condom and went very slow. He didn't care at all that I had only been with my ex-husband and was nervous. If anything I think he liked it. He didn't make the sex all about sex and it was really nice. It felt like sex was just a bonus, not the whole show. Before Sunday I was super happy and had no uncertainty. Now I'm so unsure. Maybe I'm being stupid. He knows what he's doing more than I do. I'm being stupid right? We spent the entire weekend together if he was a bad guy it would have shown sooner right? We didn't talk about being exclusive though... And that probably should have happened over the weekend based on how it all went.


Other than you lying and saying it was OK when he asked, I would almost call that a date rape. 

I'd like to say he is a major ********* and needs his arse kicked, but he asked multiple times if it was OK and you verbally consented. 

You have agency and responsibility for your own well being. You have to have boundaries. 

I'm sorry this ended on such a sour note. I was hoping this would be a positive experience and that this would be a good relationship.


----------



## Diana7

Keira said:


> Saturday night we had sex and fell asleep naked together. Sunday morning (this morning) I woke up to him rubbing himself against me and trying to push himself in, when I looked at him he inserted all the way two or three times, then stayed very still while inside me for went felt like forever but probably wasn't. He asked if it was okay and I said yes even though that wasn't what I was thinking. I was blank, I didn't know what to think. It was outside of my comfort zone for sex to start that way, especially with someone so new. Maybe it's normal, I don't know? He kept going and asked a couple more times if this was okay. He changed positions (we were spooning) and I noticed that he didn't have a condom on. I didn't know that he didn't have one on before that. It hurt so bad in that position that I couldn't feel anything other than pain (he didn't know that it hurt). I said something about him not having one on and he acknowledged that he needed to put one on but kept going for "just a sec". I pushed on him a bit to try and get him to stop and he finished. Inside me. No condom. I asked him after again if he's clean and he said of course and kind of laughed/shook it off like it was nothing. But it scares the crap out of me. Even if he would have stopped and put a condom on that bridge was already crossed, but it just feels worse. I have an iud but getting pregnant still scares the **** out of me. I haven't felt for my iud strings in years, had no need to. I just wasn't prepared for unprotected sex and my mind is going a million miles an hour.
> 
> Someone talk me out of it and tell me that he's not a terrible person, right? Everything else went so well. I really enjoy spending time with him. He's incredibly nice, sweet, funny. He did all of the gentlemanly things. He didn't make me feel pressured at all for sex. We had a really good time until Sunday morning. We went out for breakfast after but I went home after that, I just wanted to go home. We had sex 4 times before that, he didn't hesitate to use a condom and went very slow. He didn't care at all that I had only been with my ex-husband and was nervous. If anything I think he liked it. He didn't make the sex all about sex and it was really nice. It felt like sex was just a bonus, not the whole show. Before Sunday I was super happy and had no uncertainty. Now I'm so unsure. Maybe I'm being stupid. He knows what he's doing more than I do. I'm being stupid right? We spent the entire weekend together if he was a bad guy it would have shown sooner right? We didn't talk about being exclusive though... And that probably should have happened over the weekend based on how it all went.


Massive red flags here. He completely disrespected your wish for him to wear a condom and didn't stop when you asked him to. Please get tested for an std. They are rife.


----------



## Keira

oldshirt said:


> Other than you lying and saying it was OK when he asked, I would almost call that a date rape.
> 
> I'd like to say he is a major ********* and needs his arse kicked, but he asked multiple times if it was OK and you verbally consented.
> 
> You have agency and responsibility for your own well being. You have to have boundaries.
> 
> I'm sorry this ended on such a sour note. I was hoping this would be a positive experience and that this would be a good relationship.


I know I should have stopped him as soon as I felt uncomfortable. My mind was stuck on, wait what is happening is it normal is it okay. He asked 3 or 4 times if it was okay and I said yes. He didn't know. I felt like it was easier to go along with it (before I knew he didn't have a condom on). The other times I didn't tell him to wear one he knew to and didn't say anything about not. He doesn't know anything is wrong right now. He's texting me like normal and making plans. I'm the only one with an issue. When I said he didn't have a condom on he acknowledged that he didn't but didn't stop. I don't think I said to stop. I pushed on his chest to move him off me but he didn't move that second. Maybe it's my fault.


----------



## oldshirt

You have to stand up for yourself and advocate for your own best interests and enforce your own boundaries. No one else is going to do it for you.


----------



## Keira

Diana7 said:


> Keira said:
> 
> 
> 
> Saturday night we had sex and fell asleep naked together. Sunday morning (this morning) I woke up to him rubbing himself against me and trying to push himself in, when I looked at him he inserted all the way two or three times, then stayed very still while inside me for went felt like forever but probably wasn't. He asked if it was okay and I said yes even though that wasn't what I was thinking. I was blank, I didn't know what to think. It was outside of my comfort zone for sex to start that way, especially with someone so new. Maybe it's normal, I don't know? He kept going and asked a couple more times if this was okay. He changed positions (we were spooning) and I noticed that he didn't have a condom on. I didn't know that he didn't have one on before that. It hurt so bad in that position that I couldn't feel anything other than pain (he didn't know that it hurt). I said something about him not having one on and he acknowledged that he needed to put one on but kept going for "just a sec". I pushed on him a bit to try and get him to stop and he finished. Inside me. No condom. I asked him after again if he's clean and he said of course and kind of laughed/shook it off like it was nothing. But it scares the crap out of me. Even if he would have stopped and put a condom on that bridge was already crossed, but it just feels worse. I have an iud but getting pregnant still scares the **** out of me. I haven't felt for my iud strings in years, had no need to. I just wasn't prepared for unprotected sex and my mind is going a million miles an hour.
> 
> Someone talk me out of it and tell me that he's not a terrible person, right? Everything else went so well. I really enjoy spending time with him. He's incredibly nice, sweet, funny. He did all of the gentlemanly things. He didn't make me feel pressured at all for sex. We had a really good time until Sunday morning. We went out for breakfast after but I went home after that, I just wanted to go home. We had sex 4 times before that, he didn't hesitate to use a condom and went very slow. He didn't care at all that I had only been with my ex-husband and was nervous. If anything I think he liked it. He didn't make the sex all about sex and it was really nice. It felt like sex was just a bonus, not the whole show. Before Sunday I was super happy and had no uncertainty. Now I'm so unsure. Maybe I'm being stupid. He knows what he's doing more than I do. I'm being stupid right? We spent the entire weekend together if he was a bad guy it would have shown sooner right? We didn't talk about being exclusive though... And that probably should have happened over the weekend based on how it all went.
> 
> 
> 
> Massive red flags here. He completely disrespected your wish for him to wear a condom and didn't stop when you asked him to. Please get tested for an std. They are rife.
Click to expand...

I don't think I ever told him the word "stop". I keep replaying it over and over to see where I or he went wrong. It could have all been on me. I am going to call my doctor tomorrow though. Im terrified of catching something, anything, but especially something incurable.


----------



## Keira

oldshirt said:


> You have to stand up for yourself and advocate for your own best interests and enforce your own boundaries. No one else is going to do it for you.


So what do I do? Stop seeing him? Keep seeing him? Remember that everything else was great and this morning was on me, so don't throw it away?


----------



## oldshirt

Keira said:


> So what do I do? Stop seeing him? Keep seeing him? Remember that everything else was great and this morning was on me, so don't throw it away?


What you do is stand up for yourself and be open and honest about your comfort zones, goals and boundaries. 

If someone doesn't want the things you want and doesn't like your boundaries, then they aren't the right person for you. 

It's up to you whether you want to try to salvage this relationship or not. No one will blame you if you do not. 

If you do decide you want to reconcile this, then you will have to grow some ovaries and be upfront with him that what he did actually was against your wishes even though you said it was OK. You can give him a free pass this time since you did technically consent; but you must be clear that this will be unacceptable going forward in the future. 

whether you keep seeing him or not, either way you MUST stand up for yourself and enforce your boundaries and self-interests. 

Yes, it will cost you some dates. But that is the price that must be paid for your own sanity, dignity and well being. No woman can just let every man stick his penis into them because they want to. Otherwise you will have 3.5 billion men lined up waiting their turn. Everyone has to have their own personal boundaries and YOU are the one responsible for enforcing and maintaining them.


----------



## just got it 55

Keira said:


> Honestly? No... My ex husband was sleeping with someone else. He thought I didn't love him because I couldn't orgasm. Until our marriage got that bad (him screwing other women) I did love him. I understand where he thought he was coming from but not how it pertains to me.


What he did going outside your M complicating things(which are fixable)

are all on him.As far as him telling you he did this because he did not think you loved him.....Complete BS it was simply his justification. Common cheater speak.

Don't put this on you I bet with the right partner you will be great!!!

BTW How would you rate your performance Saturday night ?

Just have fun Sweet Pea

55


----------



## Keira

oldshirt said:


> Keira said:
> 
> 
> 
> So what do I do? Stop seeing him? Keep seeing him? Remember that everything else was great and this morning was on me, so don't throw it away?
> 
> 
> 
> What you do is stand up for yourself and be open and honest about your comfort zones, goals and boundaries.
> 
> If someone doesn't want the things you want and doesn't like your boundaries, then they aren't the right person for you.
> 
> It's up to you whether you want to try to salvage this relationship or not. No one will blame you if you do not.
> 
> If you do decide you want to reconcile this, then you will have to grow some ovaries and be upfront with him that what he did actually was against your wishes even though you said it was OK. You can give him a free pass this time since you did technically consent; but you must be clear that this will be unacceptable going forward in the future.
> 
> whether you keep seeing him or not, either way you MUST stand up for yourself and enforce your boundaries and self-interests.
> 
> Yes, it will cost you some dates. But that is the price that must be paid for your own sanity, dignity and well being. No woman can just let every man stick his penis into them because they want to. Otherwise you will have 3.5 billion men lined up waiting their turn. Everyone has to have their own personal boundaries and YOU are the one responsible for enforcing and maintaining them.
Click to expand...

What's going through my mind is that before today I was really happy and enjoying him. Based on everything before today I don't want to throw it away. I don't know how to "get over" today and forget about it. I don't know if I can. I want to see him and talk to him but my first thought is, I don't want to have sex like that again. And my second is I don't want to come off wrong or scare him. I really want to talk to him about it, he was really good when I told him before sex that I was nervous, but I don't want to do in on the phone. I need to get my mind off of it for a while.


----------



## Keira

just got it 55 said:


> What he did going outside your M complicating things(which are fixable)
> 
> are all on him.As far as him telling you he did this because he did not think you loved him.....Complete BS it was simply his justification. Common cheater speak.
> 
> Don't put this on you I bet with the right partner you will be great!!!
> 
> BTW How would you rate your performance Saturday night ?
> 
> Just have fun Sweet Pea
> 
> 55


He married the woman he screwed for a year of our marriage so I guess he found someone who did make him feel loved via orgasm and performance. 

I don't think (I know I didn't) I performed like an expert or porn star. He didn't seem disappointed in anything I did, or didn't do. He took the lead and didn't expect much of me really. It honestly hurt fairly bad each time, especially the first and last. He really enjoyed it, at least. Some points felt really good, penetration (which is a first) and otherwise. Nerves and pain (that hopefully isn't there to stay) got in the way of me fully enjoying it. He didn't make a big deal out of it, which I appreciate. I felt bad because twice I kept thinking of my ex when we were having sex. Not in a sexual, fantasizing way, and got a bit upset at one point. I think I hid it fine but I still feel bad. I should just be thinking about him not my ex and getting upset. The first time wasn't great for him, which made me feel a bit better. I feel like everything I know about sex and techniques is based on what my ex liked, and I did things that he didn't like. I know how to have sex, it's simple in theory but I felt like I knew nothing at times. I'm no good at all at expressing pleasure, it was a huge issue for my ex, and I feel bad about that. I don't act super dramatic when something feels good. He seemed to know when something felt good because he kept on doing it. 

But he didn't make it all about sex and made it feel like such a small portion of it. So it's okay.


----------



## Bananapeel

Keira, if you like him and want to keep seeing him then just be honest with him and communicate. If you aren't really into him then stop seeing him, regardless of the time you've invested so far. 

Also, regarding the pain during sex you might want to read up about vaginismus and see if that fits what you are going through. If so, it's treatable and will make sex far more enjoyable for you.


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## uhtred

If you didn't tell him to stop, I don't fault him too much, but he should have noticed your discomfort. (and you should have told him)

Did he try to please you as best as he could or was the sex mostly about him?

The condom issue is a whole different thing. If he had said he would use a condom but didn't, that is not even slightly OK. That shows a selfishness / lack of caring. 

You were there and know how things unfolded, other posters here don't have that information. From the fuzzy view that I can get, I don't like the sound of this and do not think you should see him again.


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## manfromlamancha

I am not sure how you define men as being good. Your husband gave up on you and cheated on you. I hope you understand that he was not good and you were in love with some notion of who he really was.

With this guy, he too is an a$$hole! He was nice to you so that he could get what he got this last weekend. Lets see how he continues to be over time. Of course it was about sex so don't kid yourself that he didn't make it about sex. He made it appear that he was ok with just being close but it really was about him getting off. He ignored you when you asked that he use a condom. He ignored you and came in you. He ignored what must have been obvious discomfort. And all you can say about this is you are glad that at least he enjoyed this!!!! You should have been jumping out of bed screaming bloody murder at his behaviour.

You sound like a really nice person who is trying very hard and whose confidence has really taken a knock. This is why people are telling you to first focust on yourself - fix your confidence/build it up. Then go have sex. And don't be defined by your husband's inability to help you nor by this idiot's selfish focus on himself while pretending to care for your needs.

Take some of the advice being given here in terms of get help - medical/physical and also emotional/psychological. Become the Wonder Woman that is waiting to emerge from within you. Then go find a worthy man.

Take care.


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## jorgegene

Keira said:


> Saturday night we had sex and fell asleep naked together. Sunday morning (this morning)* I woke up to him rubbing himself against me and trying to push himself in, when I looked at him he inserted all the way two or three times, then stayed very still while inside me for went felt like forever but probably wasn't. He asked if it was okay and I said yes even though that wasn't what I was thinking. I was blank, I didn't know what to think. It was outside of my comfort zone for sex to start that way, especially with someone so new. Maybe it's normal, I don't know? He kept going and asked a couple more times if this was okay. He changed positions (we were spooning) and I noticed that he didn't have a condom on. I didn't know that he didn't have one on before that. It hurt so bad in that position that I couldn't feel anything other than pain (he didn't know that it hurt). I said something about him not having one on and he acknowledged that he needed to put one on but kept going for "just a sec". I pushed on him a bit to try and get him to stop and he finished. Inside me. No condom. I asked him after again if he's clean and he said of course and kind of laughed/shook it off like it was nothing. But it scares the crap out of me. Even if he would have stopped and put a condom on that bridge was already crossed, but it just feels worse. I have an iud but getting pregnant still scares the **** out of me. I haven't felt for my iud strings in years, had no need to. I just wasn't prepared for unprotected sex and my mind is going a million miles an hour.*
> 
> Someone talk me out of it and tell me that he's not a terrible person, right? Everything else went so well. I really enjoy spending time with him. He's incredibly nice, sweet, funny. He did all of the gentlemanly things. He didn't make me feel pressured at all for sex. We had a really good time until Sunday morning. We went out for breakfast after but I went home after that, I just wanted to go home. We had sex 4 times before that, he didn't hesitate to use a condom and went very slow. He didn't care at all that I had only been with my ex-husband and was nervous. If anything I think he liked it. He didn't make the sex all about sex and it was really nice. It felt like sex was just a bonus, not the whole show. Before Sunday I was super happy and had no uncertainty. Now I'm so unsure. Maybe I'm being stupid. He knows what he's doing more than I do. I'm being stupid right? We spent the entire weekend together if he was a bad guy it would have shown sooner right? We didn't talk about being exclusive though... And that probably should have happened over the weekend based on how it all went.


this just sounds weird to me. not only weird, but crummy.


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## wilson

I would say it's more important right now to work on yourself so you're comfortable enforcing your boundaries. This is guy is probably a little more aggressive with boundary testing than is right for you. If you stay with him, expect that to continue. Even though you didn't say no, he should have picked up on verbal and body language clues. This could be because he didn't notice them or he did and they didn't stop him. In either case, you need to be more explicit with him. You don't have to necessarily be aggressive, but turn things around to the way you want them. For example, say it will feel better from the front and that you're not ready to go without a condom.

But even with the most in-touch guy, you'll still need to give feedback about what you want and what you don't. I doubt if there's a guy who will intuitively know what the right thing is at all times. Most of the good guys will be receptive to your wants and needs if you let them know.


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## Steve1000

Keira said:


> I said something about him not having one on and he acknowledged that he needed to put one on but kept going for "just a sec". I pushed on him a bit to try and get him to stop and he finished. Inside me. No condom. I asked him after again if he's clean and he said of course and kind of laughed/shook it off like it was nothing. But it scares the crap out of me. Even if he would have stopped and put a condom on that bridge was already crossed, but it just feels worse. I have an iud but getting pregnant still scares the **** out of me. I haven't felt for my iud strings in years, had no need to. I just wasn't prepared for unprotected sex and my mind is going a million miles an hour.


In my opinion, sex without a condom was given a higher priority than your peace of mind. He probably doesn't envision a long-term relationship. Sorry that you are dealing with this.


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## Steve1000

Keira said:


> Based on everything before today I don't want to throw it away. I don't know how to "get over" today and forget about it. I don't know if I can. I want to see him and talk to him but my first thought is, I don't want to have sex like that again.


If you do see him again without any consequences for his actions, he knows it is fine to not use protection even if you 'tell' him to. Keep this in mind: You told him to use a condom. Eight hours later, he made a unilateral decision that you and him would no longer be practicing safe sex. You need to stand up for yourself a little more and recognize your own value.


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## Ursula

Keira said:


> I was checked out when my ex-husband and I were still together. I saw two gynecologists about and neither found anything wrong. I've never got anywhere close to orgasm with penetration (sex, fingers, toy...). I've never been able to orgasm through clitoral stimulation unless it's with a vibrator. My ex-husband tried a lot, spent hours giving me oral and it felt good (after sex therapy) but I could never "get there".
> 
> I think I just can't make it good for myself... Or, what I hope, is my ex-husband and I were just incompatibile and it will be different and easier with a new man. But it's probably on me.


Like you, Keira, I've never, ever orgasmed with a man, although I've been feeling really good at times! I've just never gotten there with PiV, oral, toys. But, I can get myself off with a vibrator. Not sure if it's just too much work, but I've usually given up using just my own fingers, and will resort to a vibrator instead. But, women like you and I should be trying different techniques on ourselves so that we know what to tell our partners. 

I've read the last part of your story, and am wondering if you specifically asked him to wear a condom before the first time? If you guys had talked about your comfort levels with using condoms, and he disregarded that, that's not good. If it wasn't mentioned, and you didn't put an immediate stop to it, then I would say that this might just be a one-off. What I would do is this: if I really liked the guy, I would talk to him and tell him that there needs to be protection during sex at all times, and that is your boundary in this relationship. If he really cares about you and wants to be with you, he will respect that, and have no problem following through. If he balks at it, I would say that it may not be worth the stress and anxiety.


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## TheCuriousWife

It was a rather crappy thing for him to do.

On the other hand he asked several times if it was okay and you said yes repeatedly.

A very real conversation needs to happen. Don't rug sweep it. Set boundaries now. Tell him your concerns. How he responds will help you decide where this relationship is going.


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## Thor

TheCuriousWife said:


> It was a rather crappy thing for him to do.
> 
> On the other hand he asked several times if it was okay and you said yes repeatedly.
> 
> A very real conversation needs to happen. Don't rug sweep it. Set boundaries now. Tell him your concerns. How he responds will help you decide where this relationship is going.


As a man, I fully understand the weakness caused by the desire for unprotected sex. And I think it was truly disrespectful for him to do what he did. 

Yes, he asked several times and she said yes. That to me is only a pretense of an excuse for him, because he started without her permission and he probably sensed he could bully her (maybe that is a bit too strong but I can't think of a softer word for it) into going along. Especially since the boundary had been set the night before when she required he use a condom.

Imho what he did was completely unacceptable and of low character. I would insist on a full panel STD test from him, and to show the results. I would make it clear unprotected sex will not happen again without her initiating it. I think it was a pretty big deal what he did, and I repeat that I know how weak a man can be when it comes to wanting unprotected sex.


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## Young at Heart

Keira said:


> I know I should have stopped him as soon as I felt uncomfortable. My mind was stuck on, wait what is happening is it normal is it okay. He asked 3 or 4 times if it was okay and I said yes. He didn't know. I felt like it was easier to go along with it (before I knew he didn't have a condom on). The other times I didn't tell him to wear one he knew to and didn't say anything about not. He doesn't know anything is wrong right now. He's texting me like normal and making plans. I'm the only one with an issue. When I said he didn't have a condom on he acknowledged that he didn't but didn't stop. I don't think I said to stop. I pushed on his chest to move him off me but he didn't move that second. Maybe it's my fault.


I think the guy was a jerk. You have learned a very valuable lesson. Before you get naked with a guy, set some boundaries. Figure out what your boundaries are before you are in bed with a man and practice saying them before you need to.


He may not be the right guy for you. Tell him that you were a bit stunned by his behavior. You understand you told him it was OK, but that it really wasn't, especially the unprotected sex and his trying to enter you while you were just waking up. 

See what he has to say. If as you say he just laughs it off, he is probably not the right guy to invest too much emotional time in. 

You are dating, you have had limited dating experience, it is a jungle out there, you need to learn and be careful.

Good luck. If you feel traumatized you might want to talk to an individual counselor or go confess to a priest. You need to feel good about yourself and regain your confidence in yourself and you judgement in men.


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## Keira

I talked to him about it. He was upset that I was uncomfortable and didn't feel like I could tell him. He's sorry and didn't realize that it was bothering me.

The 4 other times that we had sex he didn't hesitate to use a condom, but I didn't ever tell him to. He took that step every time and initiated it before I did. We didn't have a conversation that was along the line of "we need to use condoms every time until further notice". He pointed that out, too. He also noted that we spent the whole 4 days together, slept over, talked (briefly) about std checks, had sex 5 times. He considered/considers us to be an exclusive couple, that went without saying. He thought it was implied after all that, and the amount of time we've been seeing each other and past dates. To him, we were clean, exclusive, I have an iud, and I had never said that we had to use condoms. He thought I knew right away that he didn't have one on, and asked if it was okay. He said he was asking multiple times if no condom was okay, not if the sex was okay really.

He suggested that we don't have sex again for a while. So I can feel more comfortable around him, trust him more, get more comfortable standing my ground and trust that it isn't all about sex for him. So we're going to to that. We didn't decide how long, he wants me to make that decision. When we do start having sex again he agreed to use condoms if I want to.

I'm still feeling unsure, and cautious. To me actions speak louder than words. I don't want to he hurt again, though that's likely impossible. I'm not totally sure about him and have my gaurd up now. I will probably keep seeing him for a bit (no sex) and see if it gets better. Prior to Sunday I felt way more attached and into him after having sex, now that's kinda out the window.


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## Bananapeel

I'm glad you were able to talk openly with him. Now you can make an informed decision about whether you want to keep a relationship going with him.


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## Louise McCann

One word: clitoris
Then again, most men still don't know how to push that button. You need to find one who does & you will LOVE sex.

Edit: Sorry didn't realise you already banged this guy. Good on ya girl


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## FieryHairedLady

Ok I just read all this.

I am pissed for you. 

You woke up and his penis was in your vagina?

Hell no.

He's not your husband.

He does not have blanket permission to just start having sex with you.

And even if he did have blanket permission to initiate sex, it goes without saying a woman needs to be lubricated first.

You can not give permission if you are asleep. 

Even if you had given a man permission to wake you up with sex, you don't just shove your **** in! 

He didn't even try to lubricate you first!!

What an azzhole!!!

Then you mention the condom thing, and he just keeps going and ejaculates inside of you.

Hell no.

And this jackazz is back peddling.

Now he starts up with it is assumed that you two are exclusive?

When he made it clear you weren't exclusive and that he was still keeping his options open?

Alot more communication needed to happen here. 

About condom use.

About exclusivity, etc.

But waking you up with his **** in your vagina, WTH!!

That should of been a no brainer!

The fact that he knew to put a condom on all the other times and caught you ASLEEP and din't use one tells us something.

And if a couple wants to have sex 5 x in a weekend, or 5 x in a day, I don't care.

But this is your first "weekend of sex" with him ever.

And for him to have sex with you 5X and you were hurting thru some of it. 

And he has to wake you up with shoving his penis in?!?

That doesn't sit right with me.

This guy has no respect or compassion for you at all. 


Sounds like he was more interested in F$$$ing your brains out, not trying to build intimacy. Not trying to build a relationship or a future.

Run for the hills!

I think he needs to be dumped.


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## CTPlay

If he is telling you that you both should not have sex until you are comfortable, most men would relay that message as, he is considering ending this relationship.

Sexual disconnect exists. Perhaps you should find a partner with whom you can connect with. Finishing inside you without a condom was a deliberate act. I suspect, and I am only guessing, that he's playing the gentleman for sex.


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## FieryHairedLady

Any updates OP?


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