# Is sex too serious in your relationship to talk about the variations you'd like, or is sex freely discussed?



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

What I mean, is sex too serious a topic and discussions seem too difficult to have, even too problematic to talk about thing you think you'd like to try? Or that you think your SO would like?


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

As someone who enjoys a sex life that is more varied and frequent than most people. I find it is essential to talk about sex, to own ones desires, to share what you want and to share what you don't want.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Yah we openly talk about sex. We enjoy it discussing fantasies, dreams, stuff we read online, crazy stuff we've done in the past. Everyone needs to talk to someone about the freaky stuff they're into, SO seems to make the most sense.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Personal said:


> As someone who enjoys a sex life that is more varied and frequent than most people. I find it is essential to talk about sex, to own ones desires, to share what you want and to share what you don't want.


That's us.

And if one can't talk about it with their SO, who else?

W and I have similar sense of humor and don't take non life threatening things overly serious. 

Ideas work or don't, and forgotten if a non-starter. 

She knows I think about sex all the time, and she's right close so even in a crowded room we share glances when things that can have sexual connotations come up.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

We've always had open, easy, and frequent talks about sex,. Our histories in detail, kinks, fantasies, what we've done and don't want to do again, what we've done and do want to do again, and what we'd like to do.


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## Lance Mannion (Nov 24, 2020)

Our sex life is simply an extension of our regular life, open communication from A to Z. This is not something we had to learn to do, it was there from before Day 1 (our sex talk obviously excluded because it didn't yet exist, but we still talked about sex.)


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

When I met guy who later became my husband, it was very refreshing because of the openess about sex. But our marriage was always very rocky and the honest, frank talks about sex (or anything else) were gradually becoming less frequent and frank. I did suggest something new few times (nothing too crazy) but got dismissed, felt like a pervert, and stopped.
despite all that, sex life was usually pretty good. Covering all the problems.

Now, finishing up divorce.
so now I know what I want and what I’m looking for is relationship where sex will be openly talked about. I have met someone who is looking for the same. Both of us crossed 50 year old mark, both divorced, both did a lot of thinking and soul searching and figuring out what we want . We decided that Life is too short and goes by too fast to be timid anymore and settle again. We have very frank talks about sex, and what we like, want, or are curious about, where our imaginations are taking us.
It is very refreshing to be with the man who is not overwhelmed by my sexuality. And all that honesty in sex talks really spills out to all the talks, on all kind of subjects, and parts of our relationship.


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## Lance Mannion (Nov 24, 2020)

WandaJ said:


> When I met guy who later became my husband, it was very refreshing because of the openess about sex. But our marriage was always very rocky and the honest, frank talks about sex (or anything else) were gradually becoming less frequent and frank. I did suggest something new few times (nothing too crazy) but got dismissed, felt like a pervert, and stopped.
> despite all that, sex life was usually pretty good. Covering all the problems.
> 
> Now, finishing up divorce.
> ...


If I may throw my 2 cents in. You note that when you started with your husband you had that open dialog about sex and other matters. To me this says clearly that he is also the type of guy you're looking for, he is open, just like this new guy. So what happened to his openness? I would guess some resentments built up and walled off the openness, he became less willing to talk. That's, to me, the key, what to look for. Initial openness is one thing, how to maintain the openness is an entirely different ball game.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Lance Mannion said:


> If I may throw my 2 cents in. You note that when you started with your husband you had that open dialog about sex and other matters. To me this says clearly that he is also the type of guy you're looking for, he is open, just like this new guy. So what happened to his openness? I would guess some resentments built up and walled off the openness, he became less willing to talk. That's, to me, the key, what to look for. Initial openness is one thing, how to maintain the openness is an entirely different ball game.


I absolutely agree. The openess started disapearing quite early as it is hard to be open with someone who uses you as verbal punching bag, snd boundaries and respect is not as it is supposed to be. -i don’t want to hijack the thread, I had very long, extensive threads about my marriage, have been here for years.
But I know what must be different -respect, that’s what was missing in my marriage despite all the talks.
and I know my hard limits now - guy raises at me voice once, I am out. No more.
this guy is very laid back and respectful so my basic requirements have been met. Of course, this may last, may not, but that’s the beauty of dating in my age. Whatever happens, happens.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Lance Mannion said:


> If I may throw my 2 cents in. You note that when you started with your husband you had that open dialog about sex and other matters. To me this says clearly that he is also the type of guy you're looking for, he is open, just like this new guy. So what happened to his openness? I would guess some resentments built up and walled off the openness, he became less willing to talk. That's, to me, the key, what to look for. Initial openness is one thing, how to maintain the openness is an entirely different ball game.


One more thing - my ex was open at the beginning to sex talk but his willingness to trying new things was always more limited than mine.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> What I mean, is sex too serious a topic and discussions seem too difficult to have, even too problematic to talk about thing you think you'd like to try? Or that you think your SO would like?


Mrs. Conan doesn't like talking about herself but will try anything I want as long as it doesn't cause her pain. She has a really fun personality and it doesn't stop at the bedroom.

She doesn't take sex too seriously to talk about what we want though she has somewhat reactivate desire and is submissive so I definitely lead most talks.


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## Lance Mannion (Nov 24, 2020)

WandaJ said:


> One more thing - my ex was open at the beginning to sex talk but his willingness to trying new things was always more limited than mine.


Another alternative explanation is that his openness was just an act. Guys can pretend to be interested in whatever they think will help them score with the woman. Same for women too. Another thing, maybe he was on his best behavior early in the relationship, meaning it wasn't natural, it was a conscious choice and required effort and then, after he became settled, he just didn't want to make the effort.

People can force themselves to be something other than they are. They usually can't keep up the act though.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Lance Mannion said:


> Another alternative explanation is that his openness was just an act. Guys can pretend to be interested in whatever they think will help them score with the woman. Same for women too. Another thing, maybe he was on his best behavior early in the relationship, meaning it wasn't natural, it was a conscious choice and required effort and then, after he became settled, he just didn't want to make the effort.
> 
> People can force themselves to be something other than they are. They usually can't keep up the act though.


Yes. Isn’t it what guys here call “bait and switch”?
I just know that we did things at the beginning (nothing really crazy) that I still remember 25 years later, but we never repeated them. You’d think we would go for them all the time. It was like he just wanted to check if it works (it did) but was too much effort maybe? I don’t know


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I don’t know if serious is the right word. In the last few years it is more of a point of contention than anything constructive to discuss.

Which is too bad because we used to have great communication and sex was a positive force in our marriage and lives for many years. 

Now if I bring up anything the least bit sexually related, at best her face goes blank and she stiffens up and will maybe grunt a yes or no. She is very defensive if not actually angry if I bring up anything. 

I know she no longer has any desire or libido and she knows I am very dissatisfied and frustrated. We both know the score so there’s nothing really to discuss anymore.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> What I mean, is sex too serious a topic and discussions seem too difficult to have, even too problematic to talk about thing you think you'd like to try? Or that you think your SO would like?


I think that this is a very good topic. I have been married for 49+ years and known my wife for 3 more. Before marriage we did have some very serious discussions about sex and about things I needed and wanted. She made promises that she couldn't keep after marriage. 

It is hard to be open and vulnerable about something that is very important to you, when your partner cannot be trusted. The marriage had its ups and downs until it reached a crisis point before the 39 year anniversary. At that point I was at a low, she told me she never wanted to have sex with me again, when she found herself feeling like she was getting romantic or sexual feelings she would pick a fight with me to retain her emotional distance. I came to the conclusion it was time to fix the marriage or divorce her and find someone else.

After a great Sex Therapist helped save our marriage and then a Gottmans Art and Science of Love weekend and several years later a few months sessions with a good marriage counselor, we can now talk more freely about what we need.

I think that there are a few keys to this discussion. First to some of us, sex is very important and the reason it is important is because of the emotional closeness and bonding it can foster. You can call it intimacy and yes, there can be intimacy without sex. Second, to be really open about sex you need to drop your guard and expose your vulnerable emotional self. That takes courage and it is easy if hurt to be reluctant to drop your guard again with the person who hurt you. Finally, at some point in a relationship you need to establish hard boundaries, but you also need to understand that as the couple grows they can grow together or grow apart and that is where open discussion is so important along with thoughtful renegotiation of boundaries and relationships.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Young at Heart said:


> to be really open about sex you need to drop your guard and expose your vulnerable emotional self. That takes courage and it is easy if hurt to be reluctant to drop your guard again with the person who hurt you.


That's a really important point - vulnerability. It comes with big risks, but also with even greater rewards. Unfortunately, too often in the marriages or LTR the resentments pile up, and the walls keep going up, instead of down. But I really believe that these couples who managed to keep their sex life and talks frank and open, will have easier job of getting through other storms that life throws at them - just because of the way they learn to communicate. This goes way beyond sex.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

WandaJ said:


> That's a really important point - vulnerability. It comes with big risks, but also with even greater rewards. Unfortunately, too often in the marriages or LTR the resentments pile up, and the walls keep going up, instead of down. But I really believe that these couples who managed to keep their sex life and talks frank and open, will have easier job of getting through other storms that life throws at them - just because of the way they learn to communicate. This goes way beyond sex.



I believe you're exactly right. It's always been productive for us.

We've always agreed to have sex even if mad, that helps keep the info conduit open.

There've been some doozies, my fault but being honest, but even then just a couple days.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

We have always been able to talk about sex pretty easily. One of my husbands big dissapointments in his first marriage was their sex life, so we talked about it a lot while dating even though we werent having sex then.


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## leftfield (Mar 29, 2016)

It has not been smooth, but I think my wife and I are getting to the point where we can talk openly about it.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

leftfield said:


> It has not been smooth, but I think my wife and I are getting to the point where we can talk openly about it.


I believe you're crossing into a better place.


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

in my marriage, it has slowly improved. Started off very closed and any conversation would drive a fight. Gotten better over the years, but it now seems very mood dependent. Give my wife a couple glasses of wine and we can pretty much have any amount of talk about sex, and sometimes without the wine, but we still have occasions where starting the conversation is seen as stating inadequacy and can trigger emotion. 

Again....for us it is WAY better than in years past, but still some baggage and history


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Talk of sex has become more or less verboten in our household. It was never a particularly open topic to begin with. Once we figured out that the only outcome was hurt feelings, there did not seem to be much point in discussing it. 

Sort of like how a household with mixed political leanings has to swear off talking politics at the dinner table.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> I believe you're exactly right. It's always been productive for us.
> 
> We've always agreed to have sex even if mad, that helps keep the info conduit open.
> 
> There've been some doozies, my fault but being honest, but even then just a couple days.


I never refused to have sex just because I was angry or upset about something else...and there were so many times after sex that I couldn't remember why I was upset in the first place, so it worked out perfectly!!

I've always had very dark orgasm goggles...they block out almost everything else...Lol!!!


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

LisaDiane said:


> I never refused to have sex just because I was angry or upset about something else...and there were so many times after sex that I couldn't remember why I was upset in the first place, so it worked out perfectly!!
> 
> I've always had very dark orgasm goggles...they block out almost everything else...Lol!!!


All this makes you an MVP in your M!

A person after my own heart.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> All this makes you an MVP in your M!
> 
> A person after my own heart.


Well...
If only my STBX valued that about me...or anything else...!!

But thank you!!!


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> What I mean, is sex too serious a topic and discussions seem too difficult to have, even too problematic to talk about thing you think you'd like to try? Or that you think your SO would like?


Do you mean "serious" as in, not fun or playful...or do you mean it more like, uncomfortable...?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> We have always been able to talk about sex pretty easily. One of my husbands big dissapointments in his first marriage was their sex life, so we talked about it a lot while dating even though we werent having sex then.


I love that you talked about it before marriage. Communication and education are so vital and it seems so many Christian organizations equate talking and education with actually doing it so they don't, which leads to many problems.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

LisaDiane said:


> Do you mean "serious" as in, not fun or playful...or do you mean it more like, uncomfortable...?


Too serious as in too uncomfortable. My bad.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

LisaDiane said:


> Well...
> If only my STBX valued that about me...or anything else...!!
> 
> But thank you!!!


Wait! What??!!!!??


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

WandaJ said:


> It is very refreshing to be with the man who is not overwhelmed by my sexuality.


This is a thing?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

LisaDiane said:


> Well...
> If only my STBX valued that about me...or anything else...!!
> 
> But thank you!!!


STBX? I've either missed that or forgotten. 
You're extraordinary, on top of extraordinarily valuable!! 👍👍👍


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

WandaJ said:


> When I met guy who later became my husband, it was very refreshing because of the openess about sex. But our marriage was always very rocky and the honest, frank talks about sex (or anything else) were gradually becoming less frequent and frank. I did suggest something new few times (nothing too crazy) but got dismissed, felt like a pervert, and stopped.
> despite all that, sex life was usually pretty good. Covering all the problems.
> 
> Now, finishing up divorce.
> ...


YAY, You!!!! 💗
Oh, I hope it works out for you!!!


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

ConanHub said:


> Wait! What??!!!!??





Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> STBX? I've either missed that or forgotten.
> You're extraordinary, on top of extraordinarily valuable!! 👍👍👍


You didn't forget...I didn't really post any specific threads about it, although I have made some comments - @WandaJ wasn't surprised, I'm sure 💗 - but I didn't realize you guys had NO idea...now I'm a little embarrassed I said that...Lol!!!

Didn't you read my post in the porn thread I started...? Lol!! (although, that's not the major issue we had, just a symptom)

Thank you for the nice compliment...


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

LisaDiane said:


> You didn't forget...I didn't really post any specific threads about it, although I have made some comments - @WandaJ wasn't surprised, I'm sure 💗 - but I didn't realize you guys had NO idea...now I'm a little embarrassed I said that...Lol!!!
> 
> Didn't you read my post in the porn thread I started...? Lol!! (although, that's not the major issue we had, just a symptom)
> 
> Thank you for the nice compliment...


Well I'm surprised and sorry. I thought you had a solid one going there.

Just read it and now I get it. Too bad.

I overlook a lot of porn threads because I am actively against it and I mostly can't contribute.

I do skim and it looks like I skimmed right over that part of your post!


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

LisaDiane said:


> You didn't forget...I didn't really post any specific threads about it, although I have made some comments - @WandaJ wasn't surprised, I'm sure 💗 - but I didn't realize you guys had NO idea...now I'm a little embarrassed I said that...Lol!!!
> 
> Didn't you read my post in the porn thread I started...? Lol!! (although, that's not the major issue we had, just a symptom)
> 
> Thank you for the nice compliment...


I did, had to go back and reread. 
I gotcha. 
Hang in there, it's all getting better!


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> This is a thing?


yes


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

LisaDiane said:


> YAY, You!!!! 💗
> Oh, I hope it works out for you!!!


thank you. Too soon to know how long this will go, but right now is great

have you started divorce too? I saw you said "your stbx" in another post??


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

LisaDiane said:


> You didn't forget...I didn't really post any specific threads about it, although I have made some comments - @WandaJ wasn't surprised, I'm sure 💗 - but I didn't realize you guys had NO idea...now I'm a little embarrassed I said that...Lol!!!
> 
> Didn't you read my post in the porn thread I started...? Lol!! (although, that's not the major issue we had, just a symptom)
> 
> Thank you for the nice compliment...


I knew your marital problems were similar to mine, but this is the first time I see you mention stbx.. Good luck girl on the new path.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

We don't really talk about sex and there are no variations outside of a few different positions so nothing really to discuss.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> What I mean, is sex too serious a topic and discussions seem too difficult to have, even too problematic to talk about thing you think you'd like to try? Or that you think your SO would like?


Some people never discuss any part of it. The just fumble and then penetrate and two minutes later are snoring. Others talk about it all day then understand what each other feels and wants then do it long and proper and cuddle to sleep after. Yet others are somewhere in between. But is is really really really nice to talk about it as much as possible especially to humans called husbands because they forget very fast if not told in detail. When they remember they can be very good.

We both were totally new to sex so after a few weeks I ordered books and found stuff that was interesting. We read together we did not believe some of it till we tried it. 

I remember after several weeks him asking me where I wee out of. I had to show him. The point is you learn together about each other's bodies.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

ConanHub said:


> Well I'm surprised and sorry. I thought you had a solid one going there.
> 
> Just read it and now I get it. Too bad.
> 
> ...


Thanks...I must admit that your comment stung more than I expected it to...probably because I've spent all these months trying to get over the massive sense of failure that I feel. I thought we were solid too...but it was actually only MY feelings that were solid, caring, and real. It IS too bad, because I adored him...and he manipulated that to his benefit.

I NEVER, in a million years, would have predicted how things have gone over the past year...but DENIAL is powerful, and with my orgasm-goggles firmly in place as well, there was no way I could see things the way they really had become (and honestly, had been for YEARS). 

And to reiterate, the porn and no-sex were only SYMPTOMS of our insurmountable issue - his compulsive self-gratifying choices. I could live with the porn. It was other really bad things I couldn't live with, that I never should have tolerated from the beginning. I'm actually grateful that we became sexless, because it's only when my orgasm-goggles fell off and smashed to bits that I started seeing him (and my relationship) honestly.

Again, thanks for being kind.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

WandaJ said:


> thank you. Too soon to know how long this will go, but right now is great
> 
> have you started divorce too? I saw you said "your stbx" in another post??


We haven't started legal divorce, but have a plan for him moving out and dividing our things. Neither of us is vindictive, and I don't really care about "stuff" - there are times I would love to just leave EVERYTHING and take off to somewhere new and different and just start over, feeling free and being happy!! 

I don't care very much about the legal aspect of it - as far as I'm concerned, our relationship is over and we are exes. And part of me thinks if I stay legally married to him, that will protect me from being talked into marrying again someday! Lol!!


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

WandaJ said:


> I knew your marital problems were similar to mine, but this is the first time I see you mention stbx.. Good luck girl on the new path.


Thank you!!! 
YOU TOO!


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

LisaDiane said:


> Thank you!!!
> YOU TOO!


I guess not everything in 2020 was bad, right?


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

For me, I would love to have open, honest, funny discussions around sex but she won’t. She leaves it at “I love have having sex with you a lot.” And she has commented that dirty talk turns her stomach so we have to talk around it and any discussions we have been mostly one-sided or involve her looking for an escape out of the conversation. Her face is like you’re talking about highly-classified information out in public... even if we’re by ourselves.

I read somewhere that if you can’t talk openly about sex you do not have true emotional intimacy and I would agree.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Totally T (Dec 20, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> I don’t know if serious is the right word. In the last few years it is more of a point of contention than anything constructive to discuss.
> 
> Which is too bad because we used to have great communication and sex was a positive force in our marriage and lives for many years.
> 
> ...


dymn rough spot to be in.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

We talk about it before, during, after, in the car, watching TV or a movie, etc.. Serious, joke around about it, etc.. No issues at all (Thank God!!!). Pasts, present, future, whatever.

I sometimes bring something up in front of my (adult) son specifically to watch him cringe, shake his head, and walk out of the room! (NO nothing explicit, no details, just enough of a sentence to tweak him!).


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

aaarghdub said:


> I read somewhere that if you can’t talk openly about sex you do not have true emotional intimacy and I would agree.


This is just the plain truth. 
Talking about sex was the first, talking about emotions followed. We now have separate bank accounts. We talked the other day about how hard her mattress was (split king). I advised her to buy a new one. It's just not my problem, and if it was, I don't know how I'd get enough information to choose one.


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## Gomezaddams51 (Jun 15, 2020)

In my experience, every time I bring up something I want to try, the woman I am with, says not just no but HELL NO!! This includes my first wife, the various women I have been with (well with the exception of one, she was a wild little 37 year old that cheated on her husband with me and she was open for anything and everything) and my present wife. I would love to experiment with bondage and she says emphatically NO! So no I do not discuss sex with her.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Gomezaddams51 said:


> In my experience, every time I bring up something I want to try, the woman I am with, says not just no but HELL NO!! This includes my first wife, the various women I have been with (well with the exception of one, she was a wild little 37 year old that cheated on her husband with me and she was open for anything and everything) and my present wife. I would love to experiment with bondage and she says emphatically NO! So no I do not discuss sex with her.


Well look, not every women actually WANTS 50 shades of gray. I saw one report that 10-15% did this sort of stuff (to be honest, I did NOT really research this -- just a quick glance at a few sites).
Isn't there ANYTHING else that you can do with her that you BOTH would enjoy? Sometimes fantasies are best left that -- fantasy.
How about talking to her and finding out what fantasy SHE has that maybe she'd like you both to try?


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

Married_in_michigan said:


> in my marriage, it has slowly improved. Started off very closed and any conversation would drive a fight. Gotten better over the years, but it now seems very mood dependent. Give my wife a couple glasses of wine and we can pretty much have any amount of talk about sex, and sometimes without the wine, but we still have occasions where starting the conversation is seen as stating inadequacy and can trigger emotion.
> 
> Again....for us it is WAY better than in years past, but still some baggage and history


The first maybe one year or so we were both unsure of how to discuss sex. In most of the cases it was a matter of him asking me a question like "Is that nice?" and me nodding my head without any verbal response. The we progressed to maybe a "why was that good? " type of question which requires a little more. At some point I ordered a book which had illustrations and that is when all sorts of discussions started. Now we are free to say whatever but it took maybe two years to get to that after we got married. We were both ignorant of sex apart from what we had learnt in biology at school plus a bit picked up from other sources, none of it ever personalised.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Gomezaddams51 said:


> In my experience, every time I bring up something I want to try, the woman I am with, says not just no but HELL NO!! This includes my first wife, the various women I have been with (well with the exception of one, she was a wild little 37 year old that cheated on her husband with me and she was open for anything and everything) and my present wife. I would love to experiment with bondage and she says emphatically NO! So no I do not discuss sex with her.


If this is so important to you, why don't you talk to her about having an open marriage -- then YOU can explore and experiment sexually with women who want that, and she can be a more reserved and moderate sexual person.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

For the first time in my life, sex talk is off the table. It really makes her mad, I guess she feels like it's a slam against her if I want to change things. I have been with my wife going on 12 years and she's the first ltr that I have ever had this issue with. I have tried everything.


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