# Lost That Loving Feeling...



## BoardNMom (Jan 10, 2011)

Hi ladies I'm new to the board. Been viewing threads for a little while and thought I'd post my story. I'm a 36 year old mother of 2 that has been married 10 years. Dh and I have been together a total of 14 years. We spend a lot of time outdoors and I am an avid snowboarder and wake boarder/water skier hence the name. 

so I'll try to make this short. I met dh after going through several bad or meaningless short term relationships when I was in my early twenties. After dating a few bad guys I was ready to let the good guy win. My dh is very attractive and I've always thought so but looking back I think that major spark might have always been missing. I have been attracted to him but it's never been a burning passion. I felt good around him and felt I could trust him and he would be a good father. Which he has turned out to be all of these things. However the past few years we have been arguing more frequently and he began to retreat more into his own little world. I've always been the more outgoing one and basically had to drag him out with me but after kids that got even worse. Affection between us started becoming more and more infrequent and even him telling me he loved me as well. He also got semi addicted to playing a pc game and couldn't be disturbed during that. He's a wonderful dad but he started saying hurtful things to me and being distant and we drifted apart. We were doing very few things together just the two of us unless it was with his family. He always made excuses of why he couldn't go with me and if I expressed my feelings he said I was being crazy or needed counseling. It got to the point I was miserable and started to resent him a lot. I started doing my own thing more and more. I talked with him several times and even asked him to go to counseling and he refused. Finally about 6 months ago I told him I had enough and wanted to leave. This completely turned things around. He stopped gaming and we started going to counseling. In fact it's almost like I created a monster because he suddenly couldn't keep his hands off of me and wanted to be touching me or with me ALL of the time. However he wanted me to just get right back into something it took years to break because HE was ready. We completed counseling and I thought I felt better. He's a great dad and help around the house so I can't fault him there but now sex or affection seems so awkward with him. It's like I don't really know him or want him that way. I keep thinking this will slowly come back but sometimes if I don't seem into it for a couple days he pouts and starts acting like a jerk. I don't even want him to kiss me anymore and that used to be what I loved the most about affection. Now I feel like I'm kissing my brother and I really have no desire to have sex. I've always been a very affectionate sexual person so this is hard for me. So far 6 months have gone by and I still feel this way. I just can't seem to get that drive back for him. However in all other ways I'm comfortable with him. I like doing things with him as a family. He is willing to go and do more things and travel with me now but I almost feel like I miss the times of just going by myself or with friends. I feel like there is too much pressure on me now to make him feel that I still love him. Odd part is I do love him as the father of my kids but passion wise there is nothing. Will this ever come back? Can a marriage without passion work as long as you are friends? I'm not so sure because I find him getting way more frustrated with our sex life now and many times I give in just to keep the peace.


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## careful (Feb 19, 2010)

Hello BoardNMom;

I am sure you will find the caring people on this site to be helpful in your situation.

Three questions for you:

Does he know you feel this way ("feels like I am kissing my brother")?

What actions should your husband take in order to have the best chance of bringing the loving feeling back?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Divorced, he can still be a great father and he can find the passion he apparently wants a deserves elsewhere. I doubt he wants to be "comfortable". He'd probably prefer to be loved.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Smothering someone kills the passion faster than a giant bucket of ice water. He was "under" loving you. Now he is "over" loving you. 

It is very normal for someone to "over compensate" when "under" loving their spouse almost caused a divorce. 

See if you can "gently" get him to ease up on the constant stream of love which comes in the form of HIM initiating:
- I love you
- Hugs/kisses/touches
- Sex
- Wanting to spend time together

He needs to ease back and let you come to him with some love. He needs to manage his anxiety/fear and let you "chase" him a little. That sounds like a game but it isn't meant to be really. It is simply a very normal dynamic. As you have found while it sucks to be ignored, it can be worse to be smothered because the latter situation causes you to feel guilty. 

And it is ok for BOTH of you not to say "ILY", initiate sex, etc. for days at a time if that is how YOU feel. In fact my little internal monitor keeps loose track of this stuff. I mostly am in "synch" with my W. I don't ignore her but I let her initiate - loosely - half - our love acts whether they be talk, affection, sex or time. 

You sound very rational and committed - both very good signs. 

The main thing I do when my W seems to need space is I tell her "I am here for you" and then I quietly ease back. That said I mean it. I do not reject her requests for time/love/attention/sex. I just don't bombard her with mine. 




BoardNMom said:


> Hi ladies I'm new to the board. Been viewing threads for a little while and thought I'd post my story. I'm a 36 year old mother of 2 that has been married 10 years. Dh and I have been together a total of 14 years. We spend a lot of time outdoors and I am an avid snowboarder and wake boarder/water skier hence the name.
> 
> so I'll try to make this short. I met dh after going through several bad or meaningless short term relationships when I was in my early twenties. After dating a few bad guys I was ready to let the good guy win. My dh is very attractive and I've always thought so but looking back I think that major spark might have always been missing. I have been attracted to him but it's never been a burning passion. I felt good around him and felt I could trust him and he would be a good father. Which he has turned out to be all of these things. However the past few years we have been arguing more frequently and he began to retreat more into his own little world. I've always been the more outgoing one and basically had to drag him out with me but after kids that got even worse. Affection between us started becoming more and more infrequent and even him telling me he loved me as well. He also got semi addicted to playing a pc game and couldn't be disturbed during that. He's a wonderful dad but he started saying hurtful things to me and being distant and we drifted apart. We were doing very few things together just the two of us unless it was with his family. He always made excuses of why he couldn't go with me and if I expressed my feelings he said I was being crazy or needed counseling. It got to the point I was miserable and started to resent him a lot. I started doing my own thing more and more. I talked with him several times and even asked him to go to counseling and he refused. Finally about 6 months ago I told him I had enough and wanted to leave. This completely turned things around. He stopped gaming and we started going to counseling. In fact it's almost like I created a monster because he suddenly couldn't keep his hands off of me and wanted to be touching me or with me ALL of the time. However he wanted me to just get right back into something it took years to break because HE was ready. We completed counseling and I thought I felt better. He's a great dad and help around the house so I can't fault him there but now sex or affection seems so awkward with him. It's like I don't really know him or want him that way. I keep thinking this will slowly come back but sometimes if I don't seem into it for a couple days he pouts and starts acting like a jerk. I don't even want him to kiss me anymore and that used to be what I loved the most about affection. Now I feel like I'm kissing my brother and I really have no desire to have sex. I've always been a very affectionate sexual person so this is hard for me. So far 6 months have gone by and I still feel this way. I just can't seem to get that drive back for him. However in all other ways I'm comfortable with him. I like doing things with him as a family. He is willing to go and do more things and travel with me now but I almost feel like I miss the times of just going by myself or with friends. I feel like there is too much pressure on me now to make him feel that I still love him. Odd part is I do love him as the father of my kids but passion wise there is nothing. Will this ever come back? Can a marriage without passion work as long as you are friends? I'm not so sure because I find him getting way more frustrated with our sex life now and many times I give in just to keep the peace.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

I think you need to learn to trust that his interest in the marriage won't vanish as it once did. Give him some time to prove or disprove whether his behavior is sincere or out of desperation. It's possible your emotions are jaded by your disbelief that his behaviors are authentic and I think this is completely reasonable.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

It's hard to have romantic feelings when someone acts like a jerk. Even if it's in reaction to your not wanting intimacy initially. It took years for the resentment to build, it won't dissipate quickly. It takes time. That can be a four-letter word sometimes. I wouldn't think 6 months is enough time to undo the damage. Especially if he's gone into hyper mode. 
Hopefully you can get through to him to back off, ease up a bit. Meet somewhere in the middle. But if that spark was never there to start with, I'm not so sure you can create one. But you sure won't if you don't try. Again...TIME. And effort. On your part as well as his.


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## BoardNMom (Jan 10, 2011)

I think what you are saying is true major misfit. I'm trying to ease back into it then he'll get frustrated and pout and make little snide comments and then we end up arguing or having a discussion. Well then after all of that he still wants to have sex but by then I'm pretty turned off. by pressuring me more it's harder.

Also to answer a question about him knowing how I feel. Yes he does. I told him this when I wanted to leave. We went to counseling and I was open with my feelings there. He agreed to try to give it time only he wanted a quick fix and I think that's making it harder.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

One thing though, if you went to counseling just to "fix" him, then your counseling is incomplete.

You didn't fix you too.

It's kind of unfair to threaten divorce and insist on some hoopjumping or you're gone, then when the hoopjumping occurs to then decide that it's not high enough.

What you call a quickfix has taken six months already. How long is the right amount of time?

Not trying to be harsh, but can you see the dilemma?

Look, if you really do not love him anymore, then divorce him. But can you really be that annoyed that your husband wants intimacy?


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## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

I am going through a similiar situation and not to hijack your thread,but I almost feel dead inside like those emotions are not there. Which I didn't understand,since he is starting to do things I asked him to do.

Have you ever read,His Needs, Her Needs or Love Busters? They really gave me some insight about the affection that leaves after the kids. 

It is extremely hard to get back in the habit of letting him touch me or kiss me. I have found to just let the tension go and smile. If I relax more and push aside some of the issues we currently have, that I can have fun too and letting him hold my hand,kiss or hold me isn't making me cringe. I am still working on it,but I also committed to give it some more time as I feel the anger and resentment was getting in the way and I have to let some of that go in order to see if I am really giving it a chance. I hope you find the peace you are looking for.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BoardNMom (Jan 10, 2011)

michzz...we didn't go to counseling just to fix him. We went to try and fix the whole relationship. However the counselor did say with me she saw someone full of life and wanting to live and with him she thought he needed more individual counseling as well. So we actually both did individual and couples counseling with her. 
I'm not annoyed that he wants it I'm just worried because I don't and I'm not sure how to get that feeling back. 

Tamara that's exactly how I feel. thanks for the insight and I will check out that book. Sounds like it could help me as well. I hope.


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## careful (Feb 19, 2010)

Hello BoardNMom;

I hope you are finding solutions to the issues you posted.

Any advice for a man who has a wife who is obviously feeling the exact same way you are?

My wife has not expressed anything about leaving, but there is no question that she has lost that loving feeling for me too.

We grew distant over the 18 years. I am certainly to blame for at least 50%. I always felt that providing for the family was enough. We have everything we want, but somewhere along the way I let my anxieties take over and became a bit withdrawn (taking her love for granted).

I will gladly listen to any advice from you or anyone else that might help me with my actions moving forward.

Thanks


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## Viridian Energy (Jan 15, 2011)

Think of what best for you and to your children. Sex without love is like getting yourself a voluntarily raped.


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