# Time to Let Go?



## Archon

I posted in Considering Sep/Divorce but figured I'd do a little update. 

Basically since my wife's minor indiscretion (making out with another man), we have tried to work past it and move on. She told me about it when it first happened and I said I forgave her. However, a few months later I realized I no longer had passionate, loving feelings for her. (The classic ILYBNILWY feeling.)

I told her I wanted a divorce but after talking about it with her for several hours I finally agreed to try MC. We have gone to one session and have been reading the book the counselor recommended. The advice is really top notch. The only problem is my heart just isn't in it. She naturally is upset and worried that we won't make it and constantly asks me how I feel and says "I love you" expecting a return, as well as asking if I'm feeling better (every day).

She is 30 and I'm 29. I have a stable career and she starts a new career tomorrow. We don't have kids and the only asset we have is the house. I constantly look to what my life will be like after a divorce, how I'll learn more about myself and who I am, what kind of woman I would want to be with one day.

I don't feel any romantic feelings towards her; just guilt over making her feel so down. I don't want to give her a fake R.

Any thoughts or your own stories are welcome.


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## This is me

Have patience. Time can be the cure-all. 

My wife in Feb 11 said she wanted to divorce and could not see us continuing on. She had her mind set. We did do MC, she seperated for 4 months, but it slowly came back. It was a very rocky road, but worth the wait to work it out.

This weekend we had a great time and there is love between us. 

I would recommend MC with someone who you both agree is a good match, if not, move on to another MC. Also explore marriage workshops. We did this also and it was an eye-opener and very helpful. 


Divorce may seem like the simple solution, but most people are no happier by moving on than if they actually worked at what they have.


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## norajane

> Basically since my wife's minor indiscretion (making out with another man), we have tried to work past it and move on. *She told me about it when it first happened and I said I forgave her.* However, a few months later I realized I no longer had passionate, loving feelings for her. (The classic ILYBNILWY feeling.)


Sounds like you didn't actually forgive her, but just said you did.

Maybe what you are feeling now is not "classic ILYBNILWY" but unresolved disappointment, hurt, anger and resentment. That can cause a legitimate "not in love" feeling because you don't see her the same anymore, and you don't see yourself and your marriage the same way. It's changed.

If this experience can break down emotional and communication barriers between you to create a new level of honesty and openness in your marriage, you can build a new, stronger marriage. If you've just shut down instead in order to protect your emotions, you won't be able to work through it because you're putting up barriers and creating distance where there was already distance.

I'd give MC a little more time. One visit isn't going to help much of anything. Maybe some IC for you would also be helpful. The protective walls you have built up will still be there unless you deal with your underlying emotions. That will prevent you from having a healthy, open and trusting relationship with someone else should you divorce.


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## Sara8

Archon said:


> I posted in Considering Sep/Divorce but figured I'd do a little update.
> 
> Basically since my wife's minor indiscretion (making out with another man), we have tried to work past it and move on. She told me about it when it first happened and I said I forgave her. However, a few months later I realized I no longer had passionate, loving feelings for her. (The classic ILYBNILWY feeling.)
> 
> I told her I wanted a divorce but after talking about it with her for several hours I finally agreed to try MC. We have gone to one session and have been reading the book the counselor recommended. The advice is really top notch. The only problem is my heart just isn't in it. She naturally is upset and worried that we won't make it and constantly asks me how I feel and says "I love you" expecting a return, as well as asking if I'm feeling better (every day).
> 
> She is 30 and I'm 29. I have a stable career and she starts a new career tomorrow. We don't have kids and the only asset we have is the house. I constantly look to what my life will be like after a divorce, how I'll learn more about myself and who I am, what kind of woman I would want to be with one day.
> 
> I don't feel any romantic feelings towards her; just guilt over making her feel so down. I don't want to give her a fake R.
> 
> Any thoughts or your own stories are welcome.


I am a BS, the big issue for me is trust. So many lies. 

There are so many questions in my mind. 

I got trickle truth. And, later as the anonymous letters kept coming, I learned the affair was so much worse than he admitted to. 

He claimed it was just a fling. 

But, the reality was it was a long term emotional physical affair with lots of financial infidelity. 

Hidden bank accounts, phones, computers, expensive trips, etc. 

My STBEH told the OW many painfully personal details about me, and complained about all sorts of minor issues, as did his OW about her spouse. 

The two sounded like teenagers complaining about their parents who set realistic boundaries and goals for life. 

One huge complaint on my STBEH's part was that I watched the news and wanted to discuss it with him. His OW complained about the same. 

In any case, I don't see how a marriage can work when trust is gone and so much lying and disrespect has been heaped upon the BS.

If not for the anonymous letters and photographs, I would never have unearthed the truth. 

I would have believed it was just a brief fling, rather than a much longer term affair. 

The letters, IMO, are a gift from a guardian angel


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## Archon

Thank you all for the wonderful replies. I realize that any chance will take time, but I suppose it's just hard because I don't feel more than deep caring for her at this point. Good recommendation about IC Nora. However, that lead to my decision to get a D in the first place haha. 

I know MC will take time to truly work. However, I don't even want to be intimate with her at all. It's as if I've already separated from her emotionally. And that only compounds things because I've never been with another woman so now all those thoughts are entering my mind... Its hard not to think about the future without her.


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## This is me

Be aware that there is a study that shows only 19% of those who got divorced 5 years after the study of troubled couples claimed to be happier, but something like 80% of those who stayed married were happier.

If you have a history with good memories, maybe you need to focus on those to help rebuild your attachment.

I wish you well!


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## norajane

Archon said:


> I've never been with another woman so now all those thoughts are entering my mind... Its hard not to think about the future without her.





> She is 30 and I'm 29. I have a stable career and she starts a new career tomorrow. We don't have kids and the only asset we have is the house. I constantly look to what my life will be like after a divorce, how I'll learn more about myself and who I am, what kind of woman I would want to be with one day.


How did you think of your future before your wife confessed to making out with another guy? Did you already have some of these thoughts in your head about other women and wanting to start over in your life?


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## Emerald

Separate your issues.

Were you "not in love with her" before her A? If so, did her A give you an excuse do check out of the marriage?

I ask the above because I had checked out of my 1st marriage but did not have the guts to leave & wished H would have an A to give me a "reason" to leave - didn't happen.

I always think of MC for those that want to stay married but I guess it could be useful for other situations.


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## Archon

norajane said:


> How did you think of your future before your wife confessed to making out with another guy? Did you already have some of these thoughts in your head about other women and wanting to start over in your life?


I honestly didn't think about other women before her A. Not to say we haven't had problems in the past but for the last 9 months it appeared that things were finally coming together. Needless to say, my inverted 180 has not helped my W during her first week in a new career.



Emerald said:


> Separate your issues.
> 
> Were you "not in love with her" before her A? If so, did her A give you an excuse do check out of the marriage?
> 
> I ask the above because I had checked out of my 1st marriage but did not have the guts to leave & wished H would have an A to give me a "reason" to leave - didn't happen.
> 
> I always think of MC for those that want to stay married but I guess it could be useful for other situations.


I really was in love with her before the A. We've dealt with a few EA's on both sides through our marriage but no incidents for the last 2 years, and no PA until now.

I don't think "excuse" would be the right word... but I know what you're saying. I wasn't really looking for a way out. In fact, we were just going along and discussing children. I honestly didn't think our marriage was so damaged when she sought comfort and compassion from another man. When it happened she immediately came home and we talked for a few hours about why it happened, how ashamed she was and how deeply sorry she was for hurting me. At the time she asked if I wanted a divorce and was willing to let me go but I said no. I told her I forgave her and that I wanted to save our marriage.

So the last several months we were reconnecting and getting serious about having children and trying to repair our relationship. Then about 2-3 weeks ago a switch inside turned off and I haven't been able to truly feel the love for her that a man should have for a woman. I care deeply for her and don't harbor any ill will for her; I just don't feel anything more than a close friendship at this stage. It's definitely been frustrating for both of us. She's obviously worried that our marriage will fail and has many doubts.

Compounding the problems has been the passing of my step-mother the other day. The family lives in another state and it's hard to get information from my sister. In a fit of doubt and inexcusable ridiculousness I went on a dating website. I went on just to see what other women were like. I didn't attempt to contact another woman. I suppose I was just curious about what was out there. It's hard to admit that I did that and I don't excuse myself. Despite finding out, my wife still wants to heal the marriage. I wonder if there's just too much damage on both sides...

Yes, Emerald, marriage counseling is for those that wish to repair relationships. I decided to go because I want to see if it is possible to save, but I also want to go for support in the event that it isn't. We attended our second MC session yesterday, which was very helpful, if rough. We laid out how we feel (or don't feel in my case) and discussing the doubts, fears, etc. Our counselor expressed the fact that we should give it 3 or 6 months to see if things change and even if we decide to end our marriage she would still want to counsel us.

Sorry for the long post. Hopefully this puts a little more perspective on events. Thank you for your time, questions and advice in advance.


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## Emerald

3-6 months sounds like a good plan. 

Marriages do end & it sounds like you are being honest about your feelings.


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## moxy

You guys are young and you two have no children. You've both cheated on each other in some capacity. You don't seem too committed to the marriage, but like you're sticking it out because of obligation and guilt. Just let go. Why don't the two of you try to separate for six months and just see how you feel at the end of it? If you're not both anxious and ready to get back together by then, both willing to commit wholly after you've done individual work on yourselves, then it will be obvious that a divorce is the best option.


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## Archon

Well we had counseling session #3 yesterday. It went rather well. The C showed us a diagram of our lives / family tree with the major events we had told her. We really have been through a lot of struggles over the years but never really stopped to take stock of what all the effects could be. Overall this week was better than the last. We had amazing sex one day, compounded by the fact that we haven't had it in several weeks. We hung out with another couple and had a few drinks and played Wii Sports. Several times this week the W and I played board games together. The friendship at the core of any relationship is quite intact but I don't see anything more.



moxy said:


> You don't seem too committed to the marriage, but like you're sticking it out because of obligation and guilt. Just let go. Why don't the two of you try to separate for six months and just see how you feel at the end of it?


Moxy, you've struck a deep chord. It's hard to see from the inside of the situation but reading that over and over really speaks to me. I sometimes do think that I'm hanging on because of obligation and guilt. I feel that my wife is right - that we owe it to each other not to "throw away" our relationship and the life we've built together. Then again the thoughts about life without her keep coming back. I feel guilty because I still don't feel those deep, passionate, loving feelings for her. I respond in kind to "I love you" but when I say it I mean it in a general sense only. The C said it would be a very slow and long process but I just don't see it progressing at all. 

I'm not quite sure if she'd agree to a separation. At that point I honestly think I'd just file. I know she's very fearful that I still want a divorce. I honestly wish it was as easy as turning on a switch and just get on with our marriage, but that seems like a distant fantasy. I know she'll be alright with the support of her great family. She also has a fantastic new job with the federal government. I know she'd get through it and get on with her life.

That's the question though. How *do* I just let go?


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## ferndog

(how do i let go?) i think you already did.

You can be with her for ever but honestly you already let her go
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AUGUSTBABY

Emerald said:


> 3-6 months sounds like a good plan.
> 
> Marriages do end & it sounds like you are being honest about your feelings.


However, from someone on the other side, you did marry your BEST FRIEND, right? My H and I are having the same issues. To me, one of the differences between dating, living together, and marriage is the better or worse, good times or bad part, not "as long as I feel as gushy as I do now." It took about 10 years to get to this part in our marriage, I'll ask you what I asked him - seriously what did you expect our marriage to look like when we've been married 10, 20, 50 years? Couples who have been together decades have had these feelings, its a normal part of the road of life. My FIL told me he has fallen in love with my MIL 5x over 50 years. What else in your life have you held the same degree of passion for 10 years? You can choose to be thankful for the love you have around you with your best friend. Talk (and listen) to wise people about what mature marriages are like.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Davelli0331

Archon,

Didn't you used to have Greent Lantern as your avatar? That was legit.

I think you and I are in a similar place right now. I found out about my W's indiscretions about 6 mos ago. There was the initial shock, of course, but we went to MC, read a bunch of books, talked and talked and talked. We hadn't talked that much since we first met, and I hate to say, but we were bonding so intensely that we were closer than we've ever been.

But now all that's kind of worn off, ya know? Now I think the true reality and gravity of the situation has finally begun to sink in: I'm married to someone that betrayed me in one of the worst ways a spouse can betray another. But instead of being hopped up on and clouded by all these extreme emotions, I'm more detached and able to really see it. And like you, I'm really starting to wonder if I want to continue doing this. 

One of the things I've begun to realize is that my wife is broken in some way. Don't get me wrong, neither I nor our relationship is perfect, but I think it's been fairly normal, some ups and downs and all that. Certainly nothing to drive someone to cheat. Given all that, the driver for me going forward is going to be twofold: Is my wife going to put forth the effort trying to fix herself, and is she going to always put our marriage first? If she can satisfy those things, then I'll be more inclined to stay. If not, then I'm going to start really considering leaving. And I have a time frame in mind for all this. Maybe putting some sort of quantifiable goals like this can help you make up your mind.


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## Archon

AUGUSTBABY said:


> To me, one of the differences between dating, living together, and marriage is the better or worse, good times or bad part, not "as long as I feel as gushy as I do now." You can choose to be thankful for the love you have around you with your best friend. Talk (and listen) to wise people about what mature marriages are like.


AB, I honestly did marry my best friend. I completely understand the differences between the stages of a relationship. I know that part of a marriage is staying together during the "not so gushy" times, and trust me, we've been through many things together over the years, from not only my EA's but a few deaths in the family, the stress of her completing school, her EA's, a medical condition that affected her personality and now the PA. I am thankful for our life together. It's not really a question about just choosing to be happy. I wish it were only that simple.



Davelli0331 said:


> Archon,
> 
> Didn't you used to have Greent Lantern as your avatar? That was legit.
> 
> I think you and I are in a similar place right now. I found out about my W's indiscretions about 6 mos ago. There was the initial shock, of course, but we went to MC, read a bunch of books, talked and talked and talked. We hadn't talked that much since we first met, and I hate to say, but we were bonding so intensely that we were closer than we've ever been.
> 
> But now all that's kind of worn off, ya know? Now I think the true reality and gravity of the situation has finally begun to sink in... But instead of being hopped up on and clouded by all these extreme emotions, I'm more detached and able to really see it. And like you, I'm really starting to wonder if I want to continue doing this.
> 
> Maybe putting some sort of quantifiable goals like this can help you make up your mind.


Hey Dave, thanks for the compliment. I plan on putting my avatar back today. It got removed accidentally. 

I'm really sorry to hear about your situation. It really sounds like we are dealing with similar situations. I definitely feel the numbness to a certain extent, which actually helps me see things clearly, yet also clouds my resolve at the same time. 

The damning thing about my situation is it's sort of reversed. I don't view her PA as being completely a deal breaker since it wasn't... all the way. And at the same time, while we go through MC and try to repair the damage, she's been the one who's completely supportive and wants to make it work and I'm the one that's really struggling.

Thanks for the goals suggestion. I was thinking the same thing. I plan on giving it 3 months and see where we are by then. The MC recommended that as well and it's reasonable. Unfortunately, the hard part is dealing with my W's fears and worries as we continue along and while we still have a great friendship, the core feelings have burnt out, it seems. And even though I'm trying, I just don't know if it can be reignited again. So after 3 months I will go my separate way. Although emotionally damaging, we will both heal from it and move on.


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## AUGUSTBABY

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AUGUSTBABY

The betrayal of an affair (no matter what kind) is its own ugly cancer in a relationship. Obviously those vows and promises have already been broken. I am more dealing with the ILYBINILWY type of situation where he's just walking away without any anything (I can't even find a word for it.) I can't give you crap for being unsure after an affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Archon

I think another aspect is that even though there's a few reasons for my ILYBNILWY mentality, there's also a slightly guilty feeling. She expresses that we shouldn't just throw away the life we have together and that she didn't "go all the way" in her PA and reminds me that she stood by me and supported the marriage during my EAs in the past. That just makes me feel bad for not being the same level as her, I suppose...


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## ferndog

Well if this marriage is going to work both of you have to give it an honest chance. You have to be open about your feelings and tell her what your willing to do . 
Examples
I'm willing to: move out for 3 months and see how I feel
go to counseling
Talk about it
Trust you
Work on it slowly etc


Then what your not willing to do
And also your feelings
"now I see how hurtful my EA was and you kissing someone just lowers our marriage value. I'm willing (if you are) to try and regain our pot of love (but it's like feeling the coin jar it takes time)
Or our marriage has no more value why hold on to something we've both sh1 Ted on. It's not worth it my feelings have changed"

What ever your decision is it has to come from an honest place. You must be frank with her. She's supposed to be your partner so talk to her.
Even if it hurts her.

Can you work it out, well who know maybe separating and thinking it through is the best choice. It would be wrong to make a rush decision and string her along while she thinks your commited to getting past this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Archon

Figured it was time for an update since it has been a while. My wife and I have been in MC for about 10 sessions. We started going every week, and after 7 sessions have tapered off to about once every three weeks. On the whole, things have stabilized but upon further reflection I might be trying to convince myself. I have not had my feelings return for her very much. I _am_ more affectionate with her and we still make love (despite it being rather vanilla). However, when we kiss I don't feel anything. I'm not attracted to her nearly as much as what other women I think I could get. I know that sounds petty, but perhaps it's just human nature?

I've started thinking once again about the guilt for (not) feeling that way. I just keeping picturing what separation would look like. I'm still more inclined to feel depressing feelings about how it would affect her more so than actually leaving. I've been imagining what life would be like, Grass Is Greener Syndrome, etc.


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## ferndog

Archon said:


> Figured it was time for an update since it has been a while. My wife and I have been in MC for about 10 sessions. We started going every week, and after 7 sessions have tapered off to about once every three weeks. On the whole, things have stabilized but upon further reflection I might be trying to convince myself. I have not had my feelings return for her very much. I _am_ more affectionate with her and we still make love (despite it being rather vanilla). However, when we kiss I don't feel anything. I'm not attracted to her nearly as much as what other women I think I could get. I know that sounds petty, but perhaps it's just human nature?
> 
> I've started thinking once again about the guilt for (not) feeling that way. I just keeping picturing what separation would look like. I'm still more inclined to feel depressing feelings about how it would affect her more so than actually leaving. I've been imagining what life would be like, Grass Is Greener Syndrome, etc.


Life is simply about options, decision, and choices. 
If you doesn't make you happy well you can decide to stay or explore your single life. Actions have consequences so you may hurt her, yourself, both, etc
You can also be happy .
It's your call. Just remember that the grass may not be greener on the other side and if you go find out and decide to come back she may have raised the fence and you won't be able to hop back.

Then again you may stay with her and always wonder what if.
There are no easy answers but if you are not in love then maybe she deserves to at least know this. Don't blind side her
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Davelli0331

Archon said:


> Figured it was time for an update since it has been a while. My wife and I have been in MC for about 10 sessions. We started going every week, and after 7 sessions have tapered off to about once every three weeks. On the whole, things have stabilized but upon further reflection I might be trying to convince myself. I have not had my feelings return for her very much. I _am_ more affectionate with her and we still make love (despite it being rather vanilla). However, when we kiss I don't feel anything. I'm not attracted to her nearly as much as what other women I think I could get. I know that sounds petty, but perhaps it's just human nature?
> 
> I've started thinking once again about the guilt for (not) feeling that way. I just keeping picturing what separation would look like. I'm still more inclined to feel depressing feelings about how it would affect her more so than actually leaving. I've been imagining what life would be like, Grass Is Greener Syndrome, etc.


I know exactly how you feel, could have written this word for word.

Like you, my wife and I are getting along fine. If anything, I rarely see her. She's in veterinary school, so she's always in our spare bedroom studying, and I mean always. We eat a quick dinner together and that's it.

Anyway, in the last two months, I've gotten to where I can't really answer the question "do I want to stay married to this woman?" I look at my W and don't see my W, I see the woman who cheated multiple times, lied about it, and would've taken those lies to the grave if someone else hadn't tipped me off. And this is 8 months after DDay.

It's hard for me to think of that and not think that I'm settling. Used to when I'd see a pretty woman, I might have a very brief sexual thought about her, just as most men do. But now, I think, "You know, I could probably pull that...but instead I'm trying to work it out with my W who cheated, lied, and only came clean when she got caught". And the reasons why I'm trying to work it out become less and less clear to me over time. Like you, Archon, I find myself fantasizing about being single a lot.

Like ferndog said, it really comes down to choice. Right now, I'm choosing to stay for a few reasons. Money is one of them. With my wife in school, I'm the sole breadwinner, and I make very good money for someone my age (30). While I have plenty of self respect, I'm not in a position to take that financial hit right now.

But the main reason I stay is because the only thing I fantasize more about than being single and banging random hot chicks is the fantasy that maybe I'll be as happy and in love with my W as I was when we first got married, before I knew about the cheating. Blissful ignorance for sure, but that first year was one of the happiest of my life.


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## ferndog

Davelli0331 said:


> I know exactly how you feel, could have written this word for word.
> 
> Like you, my wife and I are getting along fine. If anything, I rarely see her. She's in veterinary school, so she's always in our spare bedroom studying, and I mean always. We eat a quick dinner together and that's it.
> 
> Anyway, in the last two months, I've gotten to where I can't really answer the question "do I want to stay married to this woman?" I look at my W and don't see my W, I see the woman who cheated multiple times, lied about it, and would've taken those lies to the grave if someone else hadn't tipped me off. And this is 8 months after DDay.
> 
> It's hard for me to think of that and not think that I'm settling. Used to when I'd see a pretty woman, I might have a very brief sexual thought about her, just as most men do. But now, I think, "You know, I could probably pull that...but instead I'm trying to work it out with my W who cheated, lied, and only came clean when she got caught". And the reasons why I'm trying to work it out become less and less clear to me over time. Like you, Archon, I find myself fantasizing about being single a lot.
> 
> Like ferndog said, it really comes down to choice. Right now, I'm choosing to stay for a few reasons. Money is one of them. With my wife in school, I'm the sole breadwinner, and I make very good money for someone my age (30). While I have plenty of self respect, I'm not in a position to take that financial hit right now.
> 
> But the main reason I stay is because the only thing I fantasize more about than being single and banging random hot chicks is the fantasy that maybe I'll be as happy and in love with my W as I was when we first got married, before I knew about the cheating. Blissful ignorance for sure, but that first year was one of the happiest of my life.


I wish you happiness with her or without her. Have you tried talking to her? Communication is very important and without it your marriage will surely drift apart. Don't be afraid to tell her your feelings. Let her know that your not happy. That you are not as in love as you once were. 
You need to find out what she's willing to do. What makes you believe she won't leave once she finishes school ? 
Money should not be the only thing keeping you together. 
Your a very young man. Only 30 you deserve a true partner. Not a cheating, lying person that your taking care of.
If you rarely see her or talk to her then this is not a marriage, it's a roommate.

Keep your head up and always remember your value
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AUGUSTBABY

FERNDOG: so glad to hear from you! You are really tell it like it is!

Fellas, I need your honest advice: My husband could have written what you did. He had an EA for 2 years, things going downhill for that time, talked about separating for a year of that, separated for a month, he came back two months ago. MC before I knew about the EA, MC was nothing since he had nothing to say and no MC since. A little different since he's the one that had the EA. He says he's "getting there" but I can tell that he's bored or not into it. When I ask about us, he says, "well I came back, didn't I?" 

SO, what could/can/might change to make you feel differently about your wife? How could they (I) make it less vanilla, and try to stir up those feelings again? What could we do to rekindle to get to a place those other couples write about after R? How do we get there? 

I'm guessing he still misses the OW after 2 years and no NC for almost 2 months. I even understand that!

I'm sexy, not inhibited, don't nag and truly forgave him for the EA. I am still on the 180 and feel better about myself. I don't mind if he looks at other women, I do too! So how do I guide this marriage to a place where he can choose to be happy and not settling in his mind? He used to say, that he chose to be happy everyday, now he says, this is as happy as he gets.

If you could write the book, what would you say?
thanks


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## ferndog

AUGUSTBABY said:


> FERNDOG: so glad to hear from you! You are really tell it like it is!
> 
> Fellas, I need your honest advice: My husband could have written what you did. He had an EA for 2 years, things going downhill for that time, talked about separating for a year of that, separated for a month, he came back two months ago. MC before I knew about the EA, MC was nothing since he had nothing to say and no MC since. A little different since he's the one that had the EA. He says he's "getting there" but I can tell that he's bored or not into it. When I ask about us, he says, "well I came back, didn't I?"
> 
> SO, what could/can/might change to make you feel differently about your wife? How could they (I) make it less vanilla, and try to stir up those feelings again? What could we do to rekindle to get to a place those other couples write about after R? How do we get there?
> 
> I'm guessing he still misses the OW after 2 years and no NC for almost 2 months. I even understand that!
> 
> I'm sexy, not inhibited, don't nag and truly forgave him for the EA. I am still on the 180 and feel better about myself. I don't mind if he looks at other women, I do too! So how do I guide this marriage to a place where he can choose to be happy and not settling in his mind? He used to say, that he chose to be happy everyday, now he says, this is as happy as he gets.
> 
> If you could write the book, what would you say?
> thanks


If your husband is anything like me then he loves you. He just forgot how to show you. He may want to but he may just not know what's wrong. I recommend you research this topic. I found and learned a lot from a video on YouTube called the walk away wife . That video was exactly my situation. Yours sounds a bit different. That same person (a lady) has great videos . One deals with. Can you fall in love again with your spouse? If you'd like. I'll research and find it again for you. Just let me know
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Archon

Davelli0331 said:


> I look at my W and don't see my W, I see the woman who cheated multiple times, lied about it, and would've taken those lies to the grave if someone else hadn't tipped me off.


The thing is, I sometimes think about what she did behind my back but then I remember that she came home and told me immediately. (I don't consider that acceptance though.) However, I mostly just think it's time to move on.



Davelli0331 said:


> It's hard for me to think of that and not think that I'm settling. Used to when I'd see a pretty woman, I might have a very brief sexual thought about her, just as most men do. But now, I think, "You know, I could probably pull that...but instead I'm trying to work it out with my W who cheated, lied, and only came clean when she got caught". And the reasons why I'm trying to work it out become less and less clear to me over time. Like you, Archon, I find myself fantasizing about being single a lot.


Trust me, Davelli, you're speaking my language. I have more thoughts about what could be every day. Couple those thoughts with my 30th birthday coming up, and the notion that I need to make the most of it before oblivion comes. And by that I direct you to "Girls, Girls, Girls" by Motley Crue. :smthumbup:



Davelli0331 said:


> But the main reason I stay is because the only thing I fantasize more about than being single and banging random hot chicks is the fantasy that maybe I'll be as happy and in love with my W as I was when we first got married, before I knew about the cheating. Blissful ignorance for sure, but that first year was one of the happiest of my life.


Davelli, I'm really sorry to hear about your situation. I'm sure if you take a quick look at my original post, it would show the destructive behavior we both have done to each other (and I didn't mention a few things I'd done in there). In your case, I'd say that you should think about whether you want to stay with your wife. If you think there's a possibility of saving the marriage, I'd approach her about MC. Without it, repair attempts will be very hard. If you can't get over her affair, which is completely understandable, then you should consider that staying for the wrong reasons (financial) would just build more resentment between you and only lead to a more destructive divorce, or simply one day saying "screw it" and that's when someone else may enter the picture, however unintentional. 



ferndog said:


> Communication is very important and without it your marriage will surely drift apart. Don't be afraid to tell her your feelings. Let her know that your not happy.
> 
> Keep your head up and always remember your value
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ferndog, always giving sound advice, as usual.



AUGUSTBABY said:


> SO, what could/can/might change to make you feel differently about your wife? How could they (I) make it less vanilla, and try to stir up those feelings again? What could we do to rekindle to get to a place those other couples write about after R? How do we get there?


Well, August, I'd say that I'm honestly not attracted to my W to the point where we aren't intimate more than once or twice a month and in those cases it's very vanilla and boring. That doesn't help my constant thoughts about other potential mates.

Are you asking for advice on rekindling the connection in general? How is the bedroom situation? I'd say try thinking of ways that you know would show him how much you adore and love him. My wife would occasionally get me a card or simply texting each other something thoughtful during the day. Find activities to do together in the community. Maybe go to a museum or event together. Do you have kids? 



AUGUSTBABY said:


> So how do I guide this marriage to a place where he can choose to be happy and not settling in his mind? He used to say, that he chose to be happy everyday, now he says, this is as happy as he gets.
> 
> If you could write the book, what would you say?
> thanks


August, thanks for the post from the other side of the mirror! It looks like your H has a very understanding woman by his side. Well it looks like he still loves you, at least to some extent because he came back after separation. Turns out most separations don't end with the spouse returning. That being said, him using that line as the be all, end all and an excuse isn't right. I'd say the next step would be to talk to him about going to MC again, this time about the _real_ issue. MC will help bring the issues to focus and tools to overcome them, assuming he would go. If he's unwilling to get help with you, then I'd sit down with him and try to get his honest feelings out. Trust me, from a man who's had a few EA's in his time, they all stem from lack of honest, open dialogue with the spouse and resentment that builds until someone "exciting" comes along.

Awesome posts people! Keep them coming.

Isn't it funny how as children we're raised on the fantasy that we will meet "the one" (at a young age) and make a lifetime commitment to each other and that it'll be all gumdrops and rainbows?

If only they told us how much work it would really entail...


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