# Getting over it vs simply changing



## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I have said it my self that "I am getting over it" referring to my divorce and I see many others say the same thing. But I wonder how much does this sentiment of "getting over it", really hold us up instead of helping us heal?
The fact is that we change everyday, with the new experiences and changes in our circumstances. I realize the negative impact that a divorce has on most of us, but would we be better off to stop "getting over it" and start to just learn from it?
Another fact is that few of us truly "get over it". Our divorces change us forever (or should). We are always going to have the memories and experiences of the marriage and the divorce. These are things that have shaped us. So in effect we are changed by these events and never really "get over it".
In the meantime, we keep waiting to finally "get over it" without realizing how we have been fundamentally changed. We keep waiting to return to normal without realizing that this is the new normal.
Just musing over a cup of coffee this morning after reading a few posts. Thoughts?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Ynot said:


> I have said it my self that "I am getting over it" referring to my divorce and I see many others say the same thing. But I wonder how much does this sentiment of "getting over it", really hold us up instead of helping us heal?
> The fact is that we change everyday, with the new experiences and changes in our circumstances. I realize the negative impact that a divorce has on most of us, but would we be better off to stop "getting over it" and start to just learn from it?
> Another fact is that few of us truly "get over it". Our divorces change us forever (or should). We are always going to have the memories and experiences of the marriage and the divorce. These are things that have shaped us. So in effect we are changed by these events and never really "get over it".
> In the meantime, we keep waiting to finally "get over it" without realizing how we have been fundamentally changed. We keep waiting to return to normal without realizing that this is the new normal.
> Just musing over a cup of coffee this morning after reading a few posts. Thoughts?


One of the first things I learned in counseling is that you are now fundamentally changed and no you can't go back. Your views of love and realtionships are forever skewed and you are now in the new normal. I now better understand why we treated my ending of marriage like a bereavement,because it was. My old life is no more, my X wife is not the woman I loved all those years....its all different. I couldn't go back to the person I was before evening wanted to cause he died too.

As far as getting over it vs learning from it I think we all do just at a different pace. Much depends on why the marriage fell apart. In my case I picked a bad woman plain and simple. Nothing in my actions would change if I ever married again, except I would never ever blindly trust again.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Interestingly, I don't recall anyone who cared about me ever telling me or encouraging me to "get over" my divorce. A lot of people encouraged me to move on with a healthy and happy post-divorce life. But I don't think anyone, and certainly not me, ever thought that just getting over it - like there was some normal I should be returning to - was ever any sort of option. 

Healing? Yes. Moving forward with my life? Yes. Growing and becoming better for having survived this traumatic thing? Yes. Being happy with myself, lacking bitterness for my ex or what happened? Yes, and yes. But getting over it as if it never was? Not even a thought that such a thing was a possibility.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

I am approaching divorce #2 and I wasn't responsible for either, other than picking the women. It's a tough situation. What does "get over it" even mean. "Get over it" is referring to someone else hurting you, but you are to forgive them without real reconciliation. Sometimes that is fine if it's a mean comment or they threw away your favorite shirt. There is no "get over it" when the other party is gone. You just deal with it. Sometimes it's easier. My first divorce wasn't as hard as she switched teams and well, you know, she put on a lot of weight, and while that never impacted anything about us, it certainly wasn't hard to move on to something sexier (while that may sound bad, it's not like we all don't have some similar feelings).

This one will be harder. My first marriage didn't even feel like a marriage in many ways. We didn't see each other much due to work schedules and most of our communication was skin deep. We probably talk more now. This one, my wife was my best friend. I have no idea how I am going to "get over it", but I certainly won't let it change my outlook on life. I'm an all in kinda guy and, to me, it's never worth living life if you aren't willing to put your emotions at risk. Bad things may happen, but it's better than being guarded and standoffish in future relationships. I guess that is what got me here, but I won't regret it. I'll try to recover and move on.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I never thought of "getting over" my ex. I thiought of it as healing, getting through it, or moving forward. I think "getting over" indicates that you forget.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

I think of "getting over it" as more of an emotional state, I won't feel the hurt of it every day. For me that's what I want to change. I don't want it every single day, and even a year and half later I still feel it. Most of the time it's bearable, but there are still so many triggers and last night I had a dream about the ex and other people and I woke up sad. I am a very different person than I was when I married my x. I like myself better than I did before or during marriage. I am happier than I was before or during marriage. But I am still hurt by the betrayal and the loss. I didn't just lose my X, I lost friends, I lost family, I lost a future life that I was imagining. It still hurts.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Very astute, OP. I think it's more surviving the immediate trauma of D day or separation or whatever, and then a loooong period of kind of luke-warm trauma. That's what people mean when they say they want to "get over it." Surviving and coming out the other side. We don't "get over it." We move on in that we try and settle into our newly divorced lives. And as you have pointed out, we are fundamentally changed as a result of all that came before. That doesn't have to be a bad thing. It can be a good time for a fresh start. 

As I've started to realize in a new-ish relationship, some of the scars are always going to be there. In my case, I'll always wonder if my partner is cheating. Always. But I can choose what to do with that thought. I can say to myself "be vigilant for signs, but he hasn't done anything to merit your mistrust" or I can give into the panicked "he's cheating! Not again! I can't take this again" momentary inner monologue that occurs at moments of particular self-doubt or doubt in him. In the end, it feels like a choice.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Getting over it never really entered my thoughts. For me it was more of "getting on with it".

I took time to heal and grow, took responsibility for my part in it all, had gratitude for the really positive aspects of the marriage (amazing kids and life experiences) and then just decided to get on with life. It is 6 years later and I am well and truly over it with the exception of the occasional feelings of guilt over putting my kids through it. My attitude is positive and healthy and life in general is good.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I am probably in a phase of my life well "over it" but I worked hard to remember the lessons. I have been divorced for almost 4 years, separated for over 5, and now remarried. 

There are harsh feelings and memories I will never forget, but I made it a point to let go of all tethers that may have kept me attached to my old life. A benefit (if you want to look at it that way, although I don't necessarily) is that we did not have children together. Therefore, there was no reason for us to communicate after the decree absolute. I moved far away, made a decision to say goodbye to all our mutual acquaintances, said goodbye to all his family in a long letter, quit all social media, and shut the door so I could focus on healing myself. 

About 3 years after that, when literally I had started dating Constable Odo, as if by magic I got an email from my ex asking for friendship. I politely declined and wished all the best.


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