# Given up...considering legal separation



## Confusedlot (Feb 3, 2011)

Hello again evryone. Many thanks to all of you who have offered such valuable advice in my previous posts. My last post in the past few weeks was titled "serious trust issues", for those who may want some background info. Since then I've been sticking to my decision of moving on, basically we are now more like roomates, sleeping in separate rooms. Up to this day H has not shown any commitment to working on the marriage, no effort whatsoever. I myself decided to to take a back seat because the effort was one sided & he could not cut all contact with the OW. I realised I was wasting my time. 

This evening I was very upset with his conduct. He asked me to help him with something on my laptop. He put his cellphone right next to where I was sitting & while I was busy on the laptop, his phone rang once. I noted that the name was of a female that was neither a family friend nor a relative. I told him that someone was calling and gave him the phone. He took it and pretended it was text message. I asked him "arent you going to call back the person?" He brushed it off and said it was a male friend, he would call him later. I told him he was lying, it wasn't him. He changed his story and said it was someone who had been sent by the friend to get some info. I asked him why does he always have to lie? He ignored my question. After a few minutes, he stood up and mentioned that he needs to charge the phone battery. I figured what he was up to. I followed him to the kitchen and there he was deleting the contact. 

What annoys me the most is the constant lying and the fact that even when the marriage is going through such a very rough patch, he doesn't seem to get it at all. He thinks everything will be fine when the storm is over yet this time around it's not that case anymore. I gave him a second and third chance and he throws it all on my face. For me it has come to a point whereby I have accepted that at this point there is no marriage at all for us, I was sticking it up for the kids. But now I feel like I am on the vedge of losing it. I feel like packing his bags and telling him to leave. Afterall, the house has been sold and we are now renting from the new owners until a new home is sought. The lease on the house is in my name. His behavoiur seriously annoys me.I feel physically separating would be best at this stage but then there are the kids in the middle of this who also need thier father. Please advice. I feel I can't take this anymore...separating under the same roof seems difficult.


----------



## upset/confused (Jul 26, 2011)

Start the legal separation paperwork and tell him he must move out. Do not let yourself and your kids go through this. If he wants to make it work, then he can start making appointments to see the therapist. But all contact must be cut with the "others".

I am experiencing something very similar. I wish you luck, don't settle for unhappiness and you must think of yourself first.


----------



## Confusedlot (Feb 3, 2011)

Thanks for your reply upset/confused. I wish you luck as well. You are right that we shouldn't let ourselves be anybody's doormat. For me my kids's happiness and welfare as well as my own happiness is what matters most as of now. I am at this moment undecided whether I should let my intentions known to him (i.e that I will be consulting lawyer) or just keep it to myself and do whatever I have to do to kickstart this process.


----------



## upset/confused (Jul 26, 2011)

I don't think it would hurt to keep things to yourself until you have all the information needed to move forward, then it can be presented to him. Not a sneak attack, but well planned thought out. He sounds as if he is delusional and maybe doesn't believe that you would ever take charge and leave.

I would hate to see the marriage fail, but sometimes the other mate just doesn't get it. Good luck with the lawyer.


----------



## anonymiss (Jul 20, 2011)

I met with my pastor yesterday, and although my situation doesn't involve kids, his advice to me was get a lwayer, change the locks, pack his things, serve him with a peace bond, and tell him he has X amount of days to come and get his things, and if he isn't in this. Write a letter stating that if he isn't in the marriage or at all willing to work on things that it's not fair to me to leave things up in the air, and that we need to move forward(not move on, just forward). He said tough love might be the only approach, and it's not fair to you to leave things stagnant. I also have had suspicions of someone else in the picture, and until everything is out in the open and everyone is honest there will always be an elephant in the room, and there will be no progress made. 
It's not fair for him to have the best of both worlds.


----------

