# 👋hi



## Lonely girl26 (11 mo ago)

Short story .. looking for support or someone going through same thing recently separated husband left and we have kids trying to figure out how to move on . Was a stay at home mom recently got a job and feeling good with that decision just need help on how to cope with things .


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## Dad84 (Dec 21, 2020)

Why you decided to separate?


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## Lonely girl26 (11 mo ago)

We’ll I didn’t decide he just grabbed all of his things and left to live with his mom he said he needed time and I found out he has been talking to someone that pretty much broke me so I come here for help on how to heal my heart . And the worst part kids ask me for him at night he told them that we were separating now that’s not something you just throw to a 4 and a 5 year old , my kids cry themselves ti sleep because they say we are no longer a family and they wish we were together like before . That breaks my heart even more I try to stay strong for them but I’m not going to lie this is affecting me too .


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Lonely girl26 said:


> Short story .. looking for support or someone going through same thing recently separated husband left and we have kids trying to figure out how to move on . Was a stay at home mom recently got a job and feeling good with that decision just need help on how to cope with things .


Congratulations on getting to work right away. That will certainly help you land on your feet and like you said, makes you feel good. That is a great sign that you're going to get through this. 

I don't know how much support you have with the kids or how old or young they are, but I hope you're able to work out something in that regard. Maybe you and your husband have already worked out custody agreement and I hope he's doing his fair share so that it leads you in a better position to work and carry on your career. 

Just keep putting your boots on like you're doing! Change is usually good in the long run.


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## Lonely girl26 (11 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Congratulations on getting to work right away. That will certainly help you land on your feet and like you said, makes you feel good. That is a great sign that you're going to get through this.
> 
> I don't know how much support you have with the kids or how old or young they are, but I hope you're able to work out something in that regard. Maybe you and your husband have already worked out custody agreement and I hope he's doing his fair share so that it leads you in a better position to work and carry on your career.
> 
> Just keep putting your boots on like you're doing! Change is usually good in the long run.





DownByTheRiver said:


> Congratulations on getting to work right away. That will certainly help you land on your feet and like you said, makes you feel good. That is a great sign that you're going to get through this.
> 
> I don't know how much support you have with the kids or how old or young they are, but I hope you're able to work out something in that regard. Maybe you and your husband have already worked out custody agreement and I hope he's doing his fair share so that it leads you in a better position to work and carry on your career.
> 
> Just keep putting your boots on like you're doing! Change is usually good in the long run.



Hi 👋 thank you yes my kids are 5 and 6 honestly everything is been chaotic his mother watches the kids for now till I’m home I work from 10am-8 pm I don’t get payed much but it is a start . He takes the kids friday nights . We are trying to work on a better schedule for the kids . But I feel is already affecting them so much they cry themselves to sleep saying why we are together anymore .


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Lonely girl26 said:


> Hi 👋 thank you yes my kids are 5 and 6 honestly everything is been chaotic his mother watches the kids for now till I’m home I work from 10am-8 pm I don’t get payed much but it is a start . He takes the kids friday nights . We are trying to work on a better schedule for the kids . But I feel is already affecting them so much they cry themselves to sleep saying why we are together anymore .


In order for you to have the best chance to work and everything you need to more equally share custody with him. Kids never like change like that, but you just have to be firm and let them know that this is adult problems and decisions and that you know what's best. I know it's painful all around. 

I'm really glad you have some babysitting support. I guess they are in school as well.


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## Lonely girl26 (11 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> In order for you to have the best chance to work and everything you need to more equally share custody with him. Kids never like change like that, but you just have to be firm and let them know that this is adult problems and decisions and that you know what's best. I know it's painful all around.
> 
> I'm really glad you have some babysitting support. I guess they are in school as well.



Yes they are in school and yes I try my best to let them know things will get better and that mommy and daddy will try their best to be there for them the best we can . I tried talking to him on seeing the kids more but I feel he doesn’t want the responsibility and I don’t want to get lawyers involve since I do get financial help he payés the bills till I get back in my feet .


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Lonely girl26 said:


> Yes they are in school and yes I try my best to let them know things will get better and that mommy and daddy will try their best to be there for them the best we can . I tried talking to him on seeing the kids more but I feel he doesn’t want the responsibility and I don’t want to get lawyers involve since I do get financial help he payés the bills till I get back in my feet .


Lawyers are expensive, but ideally he needs to be responsible for those kids more. I don't know where you live but you might make some phone calls to social services or legal aid and just see if there is any way to address the custody issue without having to hire an attorney but I don't know that there is. And it is a gamble to get social services involved because sometimes you don't like the outcome. But they do have the capacity to make him do more. Certainly if he's not going to do more, if you're in the US the state will see to it that he has to pay you child support payments and they will take that money out of his paycheck and give it to you and you won't even have to get it from him and wait on him to give it to you. 

So it's just something to look into. Of course the problem with taking child support payments instead of dividing custody so that you can make your own way is that eventually the kids will be grown up and you won't have that income anymore. So I hope you are able to do everything you can to progress in your job. I'm sure it's not much money as it never is when you're starting out. 

Every new job I've got one of the start me low. Unless you are in a really sought-after profession where employees are desperately needed, I'm afraid it's a misconception that you will always make more and more each year. 

I have had two jobs most of my life but when you have small kids and you're the primary caretaker, that just isn't possible.


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## Dad84 (Dec 21, 2020)

Lonely girl26 said:


> We’ll I didn’t decide he just grabbed all of his things and left to live with his mom he said he needed time and I found out he has been talking to someone that pretty much broke me so I come here for help on how to heal my heart . And the worst part kids ask me for him at night he told them that we were separating now that’s not something you just throw to a 4 and a 5 year old , my kids cry themselves ti sleep because they say we are no longer a family and they wish we were together like before . That breaks my heart even more I try to stay strong for them but I’m not going to lie this is affecting me too .


I understand you. He's been Meeting with this New woman for some time. 99% of people wouldn't Just leave the family for someone else like that and it's likely a rebound relationship doomed to fail and when that happens he Will ask you to come back home. Odds are you'll let him but things Will never be the same and you Will split again. Why do i say that? Because the same happened to me and usually these things don't change much. I made the mistake of taking my wife back because i didn't want to believe there was another Man but a year later (last month) she left me for someone else and my now 5 years old daughter had to suffer a Second time seeing me leave the house. 

What i can say to you is work your butt off, learn New skills, improve yourself to make more money and keep at It. Be civil for the kids but Have the least amount of contact possible (i only see my ex when i drop her off at her mother's and we don't talk to each other). Some men use money as a form of Control. Get divorced as soon as you can. You are entitled to financial support because of the kids. You deserve better.


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## Lonely girl26 (11 mo ago)

Thank you yea I told him I wasn’t going to sit here and wait till he was ready to come back that the moment he leaves the house it will be over . And I am trying to focus on my kids and my self . I know divorce takes time since we just recently split me I do want to have the least contact possible but he keeps texting me and calling me about any stupid thing and is frustrating when I’m trying to move on .


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## Lonely girl26 (11 mo ago)

Also he pretty much said I can keep the house is payed for and stuff I think this is his way or repaying what he did to me even if he doesn’t help me financially and honestly I don’t want anything from him I just want him to spend time with his kids because the kids need him too . That’s all I ask .


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

If your spouse wants to separate there's a 99% chance they are seeing someone else or at least have someone else in mind.

People hate being alone so they generally won't make that move till the next person is lined up. 

Now that monkey branch may fail and they might come crawling back but chances are they'd just do it again, exactly like what happened to Dad84.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Lonely girl26 said:


> Thank you yea I told him I wasn’t going to sit here and wait till he was ready to come back that the moment he leaves the house it will be over . And I am trying to focus on my kids and my self . I know divorce takes time since we just recently split me I do want to have the least contact possible but he keeps texting me and calling me about any stupid thing and is frustrating when I’m trying to move on .


Can you ask him to stop any contact unless its specifically about seeing the children?


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## Lonely girl26 (11 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> Can you ask him to stop any contact unless its specifically about seeing the children?


i have I even had to block him but had to unblock him the next morning because he comes and takes the kids to school . Is just a back and forth thing with him . 


DownByTheRiver said:


> Lawyers are expensive, but ideally he needs to be responsible for those kids more. I don't know where you live but you might make some phone calls to social services or legal aid and just see if there is any way to address the custody issue without having to hire an attorney but I don't know that there is. And it is a gamble to get social services involved because sometimes you don't like the outcome. But they do have the capacity to make him do more. Certainly if he's not going to do more, if you're in the US the state will see to it that he has to pay you child support payments and they will take that money out of his paycheck and give it to you and you won't even have to get it from him and wait on him to give it to you.
> 
> So it's just something to look into. Of course the problem with taking child support payments instead of dividing custody so that you can make your own way is that eventually the kids will be grown up and you won't have that income anymore. So I hope you are able to do everything you can to progress in your job. I'm sure it's not much money as it never is when you're starting out.
> 
> ...



Yea I would hate to do all that but for now I will just try to manage my self with the kids and yes I get payed the minimum we actually got together when I was 18 now I am 26 .


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## Lonely girl26 (11 mo ago)

Also would like to add I don’t know how to drive and that’s why I have more contact with him because he has to pick up kids every morning to take them to school . I do walk to my job and back .


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

How old are you guys? 

You'll definitely have to work on learning to drive so you can be independent.


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## Lonely girl26 (11 mo ago)

Yes I know I am 26 but I am more mature than my age and he is 36 he acts more my age and I act more his age .


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Lonely girl26 said:


> Also would like to add I don’t know how to drive and that’s why I have more contact with him because he has to pick up kids every morning to take them to school . I do walk to my job and back .


Time to learn to drive. But then of course you need a car.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Time to learn to drive. But then of course you need a car.


most 20-something adults DO NOT buy cars today. they either use a car sharing service, uber/lyft, and so on.

car prices, even used, are SKY HIGH right now. and there are maintenance costs (especially on older used ones). And parking in a city can be $$$$

i would advise figuring out altrnative ways of getting the kids to school, other than just assuming the OP needs to buy a car.


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## Lonely girl26 (11 mo ago)

Talker67 said:


> most 20-something adults DO NOT buy cars today. they either use a car sharing service, uber/lyft, and so on.
> 
> car prices, even used, are SKY HIGH right now. and there are maintenance costs (especially on older used ones). And parking in a city can be $$$$
> 
> i would advise figuring out altrnative ways of getting the kids to school, other than just assuming the OP needs to buy a car.



yea it is in my plans to learn how to drive I live in the suburbs so yea needed at least something to get me by .


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Talker67 said:


> most 20-something adults DO NOT buy cars today. they either use a car sharing service, uber/lyft, and so on.
> 
> car prices, even used, are SKY HIGH right now. and there are maintenance costs (especially on older used ones). And parking in a city can be $$$$
> 
> i would advise figuring out altrnative ways of getting the kids to school, other than just assuming the OP needs to buy a car.


If you live in a big city using Uber costs a whole lot more than a car will in the long run.


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## Dad84 (Dec 21, 2020)

Lonely girl26 said:


> Thank you yea I told him I wasn’t going to sit here and wait till he was ready to come back that the moment he leaves the house it will be over . And I am trying to focus on my kids and my self . I know divorce takes time since we just recently split me I do want to have the least contact possible but he keeps texting me and calling me about any stupid thing and is frustrating when I’m trying to move on .


He keeps texting and calling because this New relationship is not making him feel safe so he keeps "showing up". My ex did the same, the cheater script doesn't change. It probably has something to do with his parents but even If you understand his trauma that's not a reason for you to put up with his cheater behaviour.


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## Lonely girl26 (11 mo ago)

Dad84 said:


> He keeps texting and calling because this New relationship is not making him feel safe so he keeps "showing up". My ex did the same, the cheater script doesn't change. It probably has something to do with his parents but even If you understand his trauma that's not a reason for you to put up with his cheater behaviour.



honestly I have no idea what’s wrong with him . I just got off of work and I’m exhausted I feel like I hardly see my babies . I work from 10 am -8 pm . and I finally took a shower and put my kids to bedbut I’m so tired hopefully soon my body starts getting used to it .


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## Lonely girl26 (11 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> If you live in a big city using Uber costs a whole lot more than a car will in the long run.


Yes so true Uber costs me $26 to go to work one day I was like there goes my tips lol 😂


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Lonely girl26 said:


> Yes so true Uber costs me $26 to go to work one day I was like there goes my tips lol 😂


I'm sure the circumstances depend where you live what is practical. Where I live you really can't get along without a car because it's a big spread out town. 

The other thing is when you get old, you need to be able to drive. I'm old now and I can only walk a very short distance so all these people saying we just need to use subways or public transportation are only thinking about young spry people.


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## Lonely girl26 (11 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I'm sure the circumstances depend where you live what is practical. Where I live you really can't get along without a car because it's a big spread out town.
> 
> The other thing is when you get old, you need to be able to drive. I'm old now and I can only walk a very short distance so all these people saying we just need to use subways or public transportation are only thinking about young spry people.



Honestly I never learned because I got in a pretty bad accident so I been afraid ever since I was practicing and trying to overcome my fear when I was with my husband . But I know that’s something I need to do . And yes where I live i need to learn how to drive public transportation only takes me to certain places . Aww


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Lonely girl26 said:


> Honestly I never learned because I got in a pretty bad accident so I been afraid ever since I was practicing and trying to overcome my fear when I was with my husband . But I know that’s something I need to do . And yes where I live i need to learn how to drive public transportation only takes me to certain places . Aww


One thing you can do is when someone is teaching me to drive if it's not a professional, go out on the weekend to a warehouse district when all the warehouses are closed. They have big parking lots and they will be empty and it'll be less scary to learn. I'm sorry you had a accident trauma.


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## Lonely girl26 (11 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> One thing you can do is when someone is teaching me to drive if it's not a professional, go out on the weekend to a warehouse district when all the warehouses are closed. They have big parking lots and they will be empty and it'll be less scary to learn. I'm sorry you had a accident trauma.



Thank you yes I usually go to the cemetery and practice my turns but weather is been so bad so will have to ask a friend or something to teach me if they can .


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## Lonely girl26 (11 mo ago)

Lonely girl26 said:


> Thank you yes I usually go to the cemetery and practice my turns but weather is been so bad so will have to ask a friend or something to teach me if they can .


I also feel I have no time rn because everything is been pretty crazy and my crazy hours at work . And thank you .


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Lonely girl26 said:


> Thank you yes I usually go to the cemetery and practice my turns but weather is been so bad so will have to ask a friend or something to teach me if they can .


Glad to hear you already have started. At least if you run over somebody at the cemetery they are already dead!


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## redmarshall (11 mo ago)

The one thing that you're doing which will help you is reaching out and telling your story. It helps in more ways than one. It seems you're pretty balanced on how you're handling a tough situation, wanting a particular situation to be perfect doesn't make it so. What is good is that you're on the correct track, you're doing what needs to be done and you seem emotionally and financially overburdened but you're coping well. Don't block but be firm about when you can be contacted and when not. ask him to text instead of calling. You can reach something workable. As for the children, I have two kids of the same age and I can't imagine what that would be like, but they will have to cope, its difficult to look at them in this kind of a situation(especially when you care about them so much), try and talk about how they are feeling and talk it out. If nothing else it will be an emotional release. A part of you can comprehend why this is happened, however for the kids, they cannot. You'll have to help them through this time. Life does go on, and I think you'll be fine, you seem to have a good handle on things.


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## Lonely girl26 (11 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Glad to hear you already have started. At least if you run over somebody at the cemetery they are already dead!



Haha so true 😂


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## Zedd (Jul 27, 2021)

Lonely girl26 said:


> Honestly I never learned because I got in a pretty bad accident so I been afraid ever since I was practicing and trying to overcome my fear when I was with my husband . But I know that’s something I need to do . And yes where I live i need to learn how to drive public transportation only takes me to certain places . Aww


This is going to sound stupid, but see if there's a racing/driving school nearby. Not a "student driver" kind of school, but one where they take you out to a autocross track in a parking lot and teach you how to handle spins, and over-steer, and stuff like that. They'll work on stuff like - if you lose control of the car, here's what you do - and throw you into skids and panic breaking scenarios but in a safe environment so you learn how to control the car.

If fear is your problem, learn how to control the car, then the fear will go away.

And it's fun. Really fun.


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## Lonely girl26 (11 mo ago)

Zedd said:


> This is going to sound stupid, but see if there's a racing/driving school nearby. Not a "student driver" kind of school, but one where they take you out to a autocross track in a parking lot and teach you how to handle spins, and over-steer, and stuff like that. They'll work on stuff like - if you lose control of the car, here's what you do - and throw you into skids and panic breaking scenarios but in a safe environment so you learn how to control the car.
> 
> If fear is your problem, learn how to control the car, then the fear will go away.
> 
> And it's fun. Really fun.



thank that’s actually not a bad idea will look into it . Appreciate the advice .


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Yes, learn to drive for sure.
But also I think you should try to reduce the contact you have with SBXH

You could tell him you'll only respond to text (not phone calls) and you will only respond to texts if it's urgent child issues or schedule changes, etc.

Lowering your contact with him will help you think more clear and build that distance that you need to heal.


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## Lonely girl26 (11 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Yes, learn to drive for sure.
> But also I think you should try to reduce the contact you have with SBXH
> 
> You could tell him you'll only respond to text (not phone calls) and you will only respond to texts if it's urgent child issues or schedule changes, etc.
> ...


Yea I think I will try that . Thank you


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

How are you doing @Lonely girl26 ?
I hope things are a little better since you reduced contact with STBX?


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## Lonely girl26 (11 mo ago)

Hi sorry I been so busy things have been better I guess I mind my business and he still calls me and stuff but it’s been mostly about the kids I just been trying to keep my self occupied


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Lonely girl26 said:


> Hi sorry I been so busy things have been better I guess I mind my business and he still calls me and stuff but it’s been mostly about the kids I just been trying to keep my self occupied


Hi, good to see you posting again.
It‘s good to be busy it takes your mind off things for a bit.

How are things going? Is your divorce progressing well?
Good plan on keeping minimum contact, it makes so much easier if you don’t have to deal with his nonsense.


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## Lonely girl26 (11 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Hi, good to see you posting again.
> It‘s good to be busy it takes your mind off things for a bit.
> 
> How are things going? Is your divorce progressing well?
> Good plan on keeping minimum contact, it makes so much easier if you don’t have to deal with his nonsense.



Hi thanks nice to see you here . Divorce process still not done yet he hasn’t file for divorce I’m waiting on that because if I do I have to pay more and I can’t afford it . But so far everything is been good we have managed to coparent better even though seeing him still hurts I try to be strong and show him no emotions .


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Lonely girl26 said:


> Thank you yes I usually go to the cemetery and practice my turns but weather is been so bad so will have to ask a friend or something to teach me if they can .


My Dad used to take me to a State Park -- HUGE parking lots, and some roads that didn't have a ton of traffic!


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