# Confused and don't know what to do



## VA2DAU (Aug 2, 2011)

I am new to this forum. I am glad I found it because some of it is very helpful.

My husband and I been married for 5 years. We have two-children.

I didn't found out about my husband's drinking problem until two years ago. I don't know how long I could handle the drinking. I had tried everything that I could to support him and to be patient with him. For 2 1/2 years of trying to so hard to get him some help. I offered counseling and coming to the support group with him. He just didn’t want to. I asked to him to move out in March 2011. With his drinking I felt that it is better for our children not to be around with constant fighting. I had developed a lot of anger towards his drinking that I had threatened him that we will get a divorce next year. I was getting really vulnerable and depressed about the whole thing. 

During our separation, he became depressed and had been admitted to the hospital twice for it. At that time he was around a lot and then time went by he become for distant. He had said that he was seeking treatment for his drinking problem. I didn't believe him because he had lied to me before about getting some help. 

In May 2011, he had admitted himself to the hospital seek a professional help but sign himself out the hospital. I don’t know the reason why. Around June 2011, I started to get suspicious that he is cheating on me. He wasn’t answering my calls, text and not sees me and our children as much as he used to. When he does get in touch with me he would say that he would see us tomorrow and he would never show and he would come up with some kind of excuse. So I asked him again if he was cheating. Then again he said no.

One thing that I hate to do is snoop around my husband. He has facebook account and he had used the e-mail address that I created for him. I found out a week ago that he was cheating on me thru facebook. I can’t believe my eyes what I saw. I saw pictures of him and her together since beginning of June. The month that I started getting suspected of him cheating, when the pictures where posted. I called him instantly and told him that he has to meet me. He did meet with me and he said He was sorry that I had to find out that way. All I can say to him “I can’t believe would do that to me”. 


After all of that happened I was devastated and getting more depressed. All he can tell me is he needs time to think because he is confused of how I reacted because he thought I wanted divorce. He didn’t know that I would get hurt so much because he thought I wanted divorce. He is really confused but he did tell me that everything is going to be okay and he just needed time. He said he doesn’t know how to respond to what just happened. He said that he wanted us to see a therapist. He had deactivated his facebook account. He told me that she was just a friend and it just happened that something develop overtime. He said they didn’t have sex and they just kissed. 


Because of anger, every time we fought in the past. I would say that I don’t love him and that I don’t want to be married to him. I do blame myself for that. 

He said we still need to talk besides of the things that we already had talked about. He didn’t show when he said we were going to talk last Sunday, he said he was still not ready. Next week we are going to the beach and I don’t know what to expect. 

I told him that I forgive and that I love him. I told him that I do want to work this out. I called his therapist that has been trying to seat us down together for the longest time that my husband had been cancelling every time. Today, I texted him that I am setting him up and he said thank you for doing that. 

I don’t know if I am rushing him but I asked him what he wanted to do. I am going crazy because I don’t know if he is still seeing her. He reassured so many times that his not. 

I don’t know what to do.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

End the separation. Separation doesn't help marriages survive or rebuild and eventually leads to divorce or a separate life with another person. So if you truly want your marriage to work out, tell him that you want him back home now.

Absence may make the heart grow fonder for some but for a great many it just leads to an emotional detachment as a coping mechanism for lonelyness.


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

The odds are in favor that he is still in contact with her. That doesn't mean that he is, just that statistically speaking it's likely. It's is very hard to walk away from an affair. I agree with morituri - end the separation. He needs to come home and face what he's done. He needs to give you complete transparency into his life, emails, social media, phone, text - everything. He needs to prove to you that he isn't in contact with her. This means you will have to snoop on him until you are comfortable that it's over. He also needs to give you all of the truth - all of it. Be prepared, if the other stories here are any indication they did not only kiss, but likely had (are still having??) a full on physical affair. He needs to fully own what he has done and commit to rebuilding your marriage. Based on his other issues he also needs to stay in individual counseling and add marriage counseling now as well. 

Of course the above only applies if he wants to reconcile and stay married. You will likely have to first explain to him that you will not live with three people in your marriage, and he must pick - you or the other woman. 

I think your H is down playing his affair - I think there is a lot more you don't know.


----------



## VA2DAU (Aug 2, 2011)

Thanks sigma1299. 

I just found out the whole truth about his affair w/OW. He was very stressed and don't know how to tell me about what happened between them. What's worst? He got her pregnant. He knows that he wanted to be with me and he loves me. He doesn't know if the OW is going to keep the baby or not. He said that he does care for her but he doesn't want her to have an abortion because he doesn't believe in abortion and so am I. We have two children together he can't imagine doing something like that. And if she choose to terminate pregnancy, he would be devastated because of the reason of killing an unborn child is because of him and what he did. He doesn't want to turn his back with his responsiblity with this child and something he couldn't do as a man who is responsible for this whole thing. 

I love my husband very much and I do believe that marriage is thru think or thin til death do us part. Yes I was devastated and in disbelief but I told him that I forgive him and love him that we will get through this together. He was affraid of how I was going to react. My husband is just a human being that made the biggest mistake in his life. He wished that he just kept it friends with her and that is it. He stressed about how he could put himself and everyone around him involve in this mess especially me and my children. 

He asked me what to do. I told him that if she choose to keep this baby, you will be a father to this baby and nothing else. Visiting the baby will be always informed to me first and that our children is to know the half-sister or brother. When he sees the baby I have to be present. He agreed for me to meet with the OW. It gives me the chance to be clear about how this is strictly just for the child's interest and not his or hers. I also told him that he has to be open to me and honest to me about everything. Of course the possibility of him cheating again is there. It's a hard decision however I do believe in giving a person a chance.


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Might want to insist on a paternity test after the baby is born. Always a chance it isn't even his.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## VA2DAU (Aug 2, 2011)

I did suggest that and he said he is pretty sure that it is. I will bring it up when I meet her. 

I do believe I deserve to know and they need to respect that.

As of right now we don't know if the OW is going to keep it or not. But that is her decision.


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I would also insist on some proof of her pregnancy. She slept with a married man after all, she obviously wouldn't have any qualms about faking a pregnancy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## VA2DAU (Aug 2, 2011)

The OW was in the hospital for Pneumonia and found out then because they had to test if she is pregnant before they can do an x-ray. That is when my husband and the OW found. They also did an ultrasound.


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Have you seen any proof of this or is this what she said?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## VA2DAU (Aug 2, 2011)

It is what he said because I asked "how do you know". He said he was there.


----------



## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

First off, he needs to have ZERO contact with her regardless of the baby. There needs to be a third party between him and her and you should NOT be it. A sister, brother, close friend, parent whatever - someone will act as a go between and eliminate ALL contact with her. If this doesn't happen, you will go crazy.


----------

