# Statute of Limitations on Cheating



## Cowgirl_up (Apr 4, 2016)

Hello all. So I just need an unbiased opinion I just found out that my husband of 3 years cheated on me while we were engaged. We started out as a long distance relationship and he was living about 3 hours away from where I was staying when we got engaged. When I lost my job I moved in with him and we proceeded to get married. We currently have a two and a half year old little boy. On Thursday night we had a massive argument and I took our son and I left for the weekend on Sunday I found out that while we were engaged he cheated on a business trip. I'm so lost and confused I don't know whether I can believe him anymore because I feel as though our entire marriage was built on a lie. He stood up and said his valves not once but twice after crawling in bed with another woman I want to make it work but I just feel so hurt not even heartbroken butt hurt and disrespected is there a statute of limitations on how long since the actual act you can be upset?


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

Cowgirl_up said:


> Hello all. So I just need an unbiased opinion I just found out that my husband of 3 years cheated on me while we were engaged. We started out as a long distance relationship and he was living about 3 hours away from where I was staying when we got engaged. When I lost my job I moved in with him and we proceeded to get married. We currently have a two and a half year old little boy. On Thursday night we had a massive argument and I took our son and I left for the weekend on Sunday I found out that while we were engaged he cheated on a business trip. I'm so lost and confused I don't know whether I can believe him anymore because I feel as though our entire marriage was built on a lie. He stood up and said his valves not once but twice after crawling in bed with another woman I want to make it work but I just feel so hurt not even heartbroken butt hurt and disrespected is there a statute of limitations on how long since the actual act you can be upset?


The legal effect of cheating on a divorce varies state to state, but it seems unlikely that pre-marriage cheating would be grounds for a favorable divorce for you. I have also seen a reference, I think on TAM, that even in jurisdictions that allow for fault in a divorce, the court will assume that the reconciliation was effective after a couple years and will not consider an "old" affair in a divorce. Though since you just found out about it, I don't know how it can be 'old'. In any case, I am not a lawyer and you need one.

The emotional effect that a betrayal is something you can control in the long term. You just have to take the right steps to take care of yourself.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

If you are in the US, almost all states have what are called "no fault" divorces. No fault is assigned to either party and you are free to file for divorce at any time. So you do not even need to bring up what happened back then.

The first step is to see a lawyer and find out your rights and the best way to proceed. After that you follow your lawyer's advice.

As for how long you can be hurt, there are no rules. Some get over such things in a few years. Others never get over them.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Of course there are no time limitations on when you can be upset! And you are right, you marriage is based on a lie. Can you live with that lie? Can you ever trust him again? Is he aware that you know?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I'm sorry this happened to you. 

The problem is going to be on top of the lies and betrayal, it's a distant memory for him but fresh for you. 

If he does what it takes to reconcile, will you be open to it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Statute of limitations on cheating? Well since it's an unenforceable non-criminal act much like picking your nose in public, there is no such animal!

If he's telling you otherwise, then I'd say that he's trying to pull the wool over your eyes!

In a no-fault setting you can file for divorce for damn near any reason! A contested divorce these days is as rare as a unicorn!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
There is no rule on how long you can or should be upset.

My thought though is that if you don't have any reason to think it has happened again, and if you have been happy with him, then to forgive him. 

If you don't want to forgive him (and that is your right), then leave. There is no point staying with someone you can't love and respect.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Of course this is an opinion question. So here is my opinion. If there is a statute of limitations, and without specifying what that time period would be, I believe that anything that happened before there was a relationship of trust (as opposed to a committed relationship which often comes later) can be justifiably hidden, generalized, and rugswept. But after the time that trust exists, the time to heal does not start until after the confession. Hiding is as hurtful as the betrayal. Now having said all of that . . . .

You left him on Thursday, before you found out on Sunday about the cheating that happened during engagement. His past sin is no excuse for your Current one, even if it could signal the end. Apology in advance if I misinterpreted your Original post.


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

That time is the only time you know about... It's very likely he has cheated on you more than one time. Don't let him try to justify it in any way, it doesn't matter how long ago it happened.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

There is NO statute of limitations! You just found out your marriage has been based on a lie.
Sorry you are here.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Even is 20 years later I found out my spouse cheated I'd be done. Certain things are unforgiveable. I'd never get past it. I know some can, but I could not it would be stuck in my head.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

He cheated on you. It doesn't matter when it happened; it only matters that it did happen.

How did you find out?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

No such thing as a time frame for being upset, you get to be upset for as long as it takes and this is new information to you. Are you going to divorce over this? I think you have every right to. What else has he lied about.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

no statute of limitations, and even if there was, it wouldn't be three years! that's not long at all.

also, it sounds like tip of the iceberg stuff...how did you 'find out'? I assume that meant he told you on that Sunday


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Lots of statute of limitations in tort law don't start until the injured party knows of the injury, and for you that just happened.

Take some time to figure out what you want to do. Go see a lawyer, a counselor and your MD. Take care of you and your child. Let your H flap in the wind a while.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

"Is there a statute of limitations on how long since the actual act you can be upset?"

No. 24 years later it still comes up. 3 years is nothing. 

I am so sorry for you.


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## Cowgirl_up (Apr 4, 2016)

Thank you all for the responses.... I have not decided yet if im going to leave or not. Ive found mysself stuck between a rock and a hard place.... He swears that he only got physically involved with one woman, one time. But i know he had "talked" to other women before. I caught him red handed. I thught i had moved passed that. I started to trust him again. Now knowing it had gotten physical with ANOTHER woman. I just feel so stupid. I found out about the "meet up" because i asked him. As i said before we had a huge fight. And I was considering my options as it got very verbaly violent. He showed up at my mothers house where I was staying and we said we would try to work through it. He spoke with a provider and will be starting counseling next week. And I decided that in light of working everything out I needed the answer to a question that had been eating at me for a long time, and I asked. And he told me that yes, he had been unfaithful. I expected to be heartbroken. To get that crippling feeling in my chest. But I didn't. and i still dont. I just feel, lost. I feel betrayed, disrespected, and honestly, i feel gross. I see her. In my head. every time he hugs me. I see him holding her. I tried to kiss him last night. and it felt like a truck hit me. I got flashes of him with her. I want to forgive him. I want to fix this. I want to hurt, to feel somthing... But I just, dont. I feel numb.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

The Statute of Limitations is a legal matter.

The heartbreak your husband has caused you is an emotional matter, not legal.

However, ironically, in order to resolve your problem with your husband you may need to seek legal counsel.

Not wishing to poor petrol on the flames but are you sure he hasn't cheated on you post-marriage?

How did you find out he cheated on you?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

"Talking" to other women is also unacceptable.


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## Cowgirl_up (Apr 4, 2016)

he swears he hasnt been physical with anyone after we got married. But I did catch him having less then innocent conversations with atleast one woman after we got married... And I found out he actually hooked up with someone because i straight up asked him...


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

OP, also try to remember that your healing from his betrayal is on YOUR and only YOUR timeline. No one gets to suggest you ougt to be over it, or you need to put it behind you and "just move on." No one else has your heart. Any and every decision from here on out is for you alone. If and when you are ready to forgive you will know.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Statue of limitations? I assume you mean how long ago something from the past can still be an issue. The answer is forever! Some things are forgivable, some things are not.

Think about this hypothetical scenario. Right now your husband is screwing the neighbor, but you don't find out about for a year, or three or ten. Does that matter? Does it change the level of deceit? Change the level of pain you feel?

Frankly for a person to cheat during the engagement is baffling, at that time you should be head over heals in love with your fiance, practically worshiping the ground they walk on, how a person could cheat during that period is beyond my comprehension.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Cowgirl_up said:


> he swears he hasnt been physical with anyone after we got married. But I did catch him having less then innocent conversations with atleast one woman after we got married... And I found out he actually hooked up with someone because i straight up asked him...


I guess that means that if the opportunity presents itself, he will take it. He has now proven this through repeatedly doing exactly that. You could stay and get counselling and try to make a go of it, but he'll never be completely trustworthy. You'll have to live with that in the back of your mind for the rest of your marriage.

I think you should try to use the marriage counselling to get some perspective on the issue. Is the marriage overall worth the doubt and distrust you will always feel? Is it worth the occasional cheating he will engage in when he has the opportunity? If each time he cheats it's going to tear you up inside, then I would think that the marriage isn't really worth the stress and heartache you will have to endure. Maybe it would be better to deal with the pain of separating now rather than the ongoing pain of staying with him.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Cowgirl_up said:


> I found out about the "meet up" because i asked him. As i said before we had a huge fight. And I was considering my options as it got very verbaly violent. He showed up at my mothers house where I was staying and we said we would try to work through it.


Thank you for coming back and filling in the story. It is never easy. I have to apologize. You felt a real threat of violence so you did the smart thing and protected the child and yourself. You also opened the door to his apology and attempt at reconciliation.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Do you really need to know? Like, REALLY need to? Because if you don't, then just divorce him. But if you do, schedule a polygraph.

You should also get STD tested. And tell him he has to as well.

Apart from that, you've been wounded, just like if a truck had just mowed you down in the street. You need time to sort your thoughts and perhaps seek IC for yourself. DO NOT just try to forget what he did and let him convince you to rugsweep everything. Because that's what he's going to try and do.

If he truly deserves you, he will try every single thing he can think of to HELP you right now. If you tell him to leave you alone, he should. If you want to scream at him and throw stuff at him, he should just stand there and STFU. You JUST found out. When he did what he did doesn't matter one iota.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Cowgirl_up said:


> he swears he hasnt been physical with anyone after we got married. But I did catch him having less then innocent conversations with atleast one woman after we got married... And *I found out he actually hooked up with someone because i straight up asked him...*


A marriage is based on trust and communication. If he was with another woman BEFORE you got married and he is willing to be honest to you about it WHEN YOU ASKED (even though you were engaged at the time), from his perspective he very well may be working on improving trust and communication even though he had to hurt you to do it. 

Up until now he has been lying to you by withholding this information. THAT is what you should be upset about. 

Regarding inappropriate communications with other women. Men spend many years of their teenage lives learning how to be fun around women and be flirtatious with them. While you can ask him to stop this behavior, do NOT expect him to be perfect as being strictly plutonic and indifferent to incoming flirtations from other women. It will take time for him to learn social etiquette of being cold and distant to other woman wanting his attention.

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Cowgirl_up said:


> he swears he hasnt been physical with anyone after we got married. But I did catch him having less then innocent conversations with atleast one woman after we got married... And I found out he actually hooked up with someone because i straight up asked him...


A cheater will lie and trickle the truth out slowly each time he/she is caught in a lie.

This is easy. You do not and cannot believe he is telling the truth. Have him take a polygraph. If he is unwilling, you have your answer. If he gives you a "parking lot" confession you have your answer. If the tester says he passed, you have your answer.

It will not mean he will not cheat again, just that you know the truth up to today.


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