# appropriate flirting?



## motwins (Aug 9, 2013)

I have been married for almost a year and so I may not know what is considered appropriate flirting when it comes to others. I came across my husbands work emails the other day and there were some very flirtatious emails with a female coworker. I just wondered what is considered ok when it comes to that or is it even ok at all?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Does it make you uncomfortable? Would he be upset if he found the same contents in your work emails?


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## MambaZee (Aug 6, 2013)

motwins said:


> I have been married for almost a year and so I may not know what is considered appropriate flirting when it comes to others. I came across my husbands work emails the other day and there were some very flirtatious emails with a female coworker. I just wondered what is considered ok when it comes to that or is it even ok at all?


No, not okay at all. Of course, you've seen the emails, we haven't but if YOU feel they're inappropriate, that's all that matters. 

I would definitely confront him about it.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

There is no such thing as appropriate flirting.


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## motwins (Aug 9, 2013)

Well if I was just anyone reading them it comes across as an affair. I know he will just say that they are good friends for years and I'm reading into it too much. That they are just goofing off.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

That's cheater script. 

Read the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass.

I've not read it but I've heard it's a great book for situations like this.


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## MambaZee (Aug 6, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> That's cheater script.


:iagree:

You may want to look into the Coping with Infidelity forum here; there's a lot of good info, whether or not this is an actual physical affair. At the very least, it sounds like the beginnings of an emotional one.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

If it would come off as an affair to just anyone, then you have good reason to be upset. If my husband was "just goofing off" with someone else like this, I would show him the highway.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

motwins said:


> Well if I was just anyone reading them it comes across as an affair. I know he will just say that they are good friends for years and I'm reading into it too much. That they are just goofing off.


that's a little ridiculous,hon.If it looks like an affair then it warrants further digging regardless of those "we're just friends" claims.
not saying it IS an affair but it does sound like he needs to get firmer boundaries in place.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

What *exactly* did they say? What is it he is saying that to an outsider could be construed as an affair but that you think he would pass off as harmless?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Flirting while married? In a text/email/note? Yea no.

There's "friendly" which means considerate and nice and on the surface. Then there's flirting. 

You know the difference. This bothered you or else you wouldn't be posting about it. Nip it.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I agree with all responses, if anyone who reads it sees it as flirting considering they are third parties. You are his wife shouldn't it make you feel worse. Yes, he will probably say "you know me, it's not cheating. 

Gather more evidence before you confront him, start reading here:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## motwins (Aug 9, 2013)

Well usually their conversation is talk about how great each others asses are in their jeans. Then yesterday they were talking about working out. She said she had knee problems and he said there are "workouts" that don't involve knees. She said she was doing plenty of that. He said he might need some tips and she said he knew all her tips. He said he might need a "refresher " I can read between the lines on that. And I know from what he has told me that she has a crappy marriage. I thought ours was good. I just know he doesn't talk to me like that. I didn't know if once you got married the flirting like that stops.


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## MambaZee (Aug 6, 2013)

They're talking about each other's asses??? No. No. No. 

This IS flirting, I'd be pissed off if I read something like that between my H and anyone. Plus, her marriage is crappy? Why does he even know this? I'm a firm believer that you don't talk about your marriage problems with coworkers. They've both overstepped, big time.

ETA: After rereading your last post, yeah, the "refresher" thing makes me think something's already happened.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

motwins said:


> Well usually their conversation is talk about how great each others asses are in their jeans. Then yesterday they were talking about working out. She said she had knee problems and he said there are "workouts" that don't involve knees. She said she was doing plenty of that. He said he might need some tips and she said he knew all her tips. He said he might need a "refresher " I can read between the lines on that. And I know from what he has told me that she has a crappy marriage. I thought ours was good. I just know he doesn't talk to me like that. I didn't know if once you got married the flirting like that stops.


NOT COOL.That kind of flirting should have stopped long before the wedding.Say around the time the two of you agreed to be exclusive.

Do not mention this to him,you need to keep digging and get as much info as possible.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yeaaaaaaaaaa....No.

Asses? "workouts"? Not married a year?

Nip this...it's the start of something.

I don't care if they have been friends for 20 years. This is inappropriate talk between a married man and a female friend. The fact that he's doing it shows little respect for your marriage and the fact that SHE is doing it shows little respect for you.

It's not innocent and this "friend" knows what she's doing. Trust me.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

And it's not flirting. It's seduction.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Time to do some snooping. I'm betting it's more than emails. But don't let on until you have more evidence.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

mablenc said:


> I agree with all responses, if anyone who reads it sees it as flirting considering they are third parties. You are his wife shouldn't it make you feel worse. *Yes, he will probably say "you know me, it's not cheating. *
> 
> Gather more evidence before you confront him, start reading here:
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



If so, remind him that she does not know you as well as you do..... that would be interesting if he tried to deny that one.

the problem here, as you should tell him, that if she were ever to get to the point where she claims that "she has feeling for him" or that "he led her on" then what would he do?


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

There's a difference between an occasional passing remark that leads to nothing (more comments, emails, FB...) and one that does- like in this case. If a person can keep it from escalating, then fine. Otherwise, just don’t go there. 

There is a deeply beautiful woman where I work. She is also overly friendly. She will talk and joke with you at length. She is also married. At the first hint of a flirtatious or innuendo remark she will turn on her heels and walk away. That’s the way it should be. 

And there are no excuses. People either troll for that kind of stuff and where it may lead or they don’t. There are no in-betweens.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Holy smokes! Talk about inappropriate texts! 

Putting that aside, there another red flag staring right at you, the fact that she is telling him about her marriage problems, that's paving the way to an affair. 

Don't do anything know but snoop, and read up on affairs and cheating.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

That "refresher" remark... agree that sounds like something has allready happened. I would take copies, keep this to yourself right now but start keeping an eye on his activities. Texts, phone calls, GPS. There is a level of familiarity there tbat does not exist between "just" friends IMO.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

This situation is why we need to flirt like hell and keep it FUN , banging and exciting in our own homes....as far too many times... when it goes sour... people often start taking it elsewhere...to whomever will listen...falling into these seductive traps. 

Yeah, the talk they are having is over the top inappropriate... it is hidden behind your back.. even if just joking around, there is always an element of TRUTH in joking..... they are obviously enjoying it....and it can lead elsewhere with talk like that.. they are fishing or have already caught each other.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

motwins said:


> Well usually their conversation is talk about how great each others asses are in their jeans. Then yesterday they were talking about working out. She said she had knee problems and he said there are "workouts" that don't involve knees. She said she was doing plenty of that. *He said he might need some tips and she said he knew all her tips. He said he might need a "refresher "* I can read between the lines on that. And I know from what he has told me that she has a crappy marriage. I thought ours was good. I just know he doesn't talk to me like that. I didn't know if once you got married the flirting like that stops.


Sounds to me like they've already been in a PA. :scratchhead:


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## Northern Monkey (May 2, 2013)

What is appropriate flirting? Well the word flirting has no place in a committed relationship other than with each other as far as I'm concerned.

So simple answer is it is inappropriate.

The refresher talk suggest rather more than flirting.


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## bewilderness (Jun 11, 2013)

Flirting is fine, in my opinion...but this ain't flirting. This sounds like cheating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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