# Life is a mess 3 years on..



## Greenbook (Nov 30, 2011)

Hi, this is my first post, but I have been on this site reading posts for relationship advice. Unfortunately that relationship ended yesterday. Another one bites the dust. The fourth one.

I was married for 6 years, no kids, to a really great man, but I didnt appreciate him, I found him boring and not as accomplished as me. I was ashamed of him.

3 years into the marriage I had an affair that totally took away my love for my EH, and 3 years later, I had another affair and I asked for a divorce. Of course, I was deceived by both OMs that I was special when it was only a fling to them.

I gave up the house I loved, my other dog and my self esteem along with the divorce. I cried for months, wondering what have I done, and yet I cannot bring myself to love my EH again, even though he wanted to take me back. I feel like he is a warm friend but not a lover, the love is just not there anymore.

I had 4 relationships since the divorce, and none ended well. I was too nice to the first guy, too neurotic with the second, was cheated on by the third guy, forgave him, and got cheated on again. I met the fourth guy on a dating site, and of all the men I have been with so far, I loved him the most, and I thought we had a great relationship, and last weekend I found out that he did not delete his profile from the dating site the past 15 months that we were together, and still actively visited the site messaging women. He gave me a pack of lies which I desperately wanted to believe and almost did, almost went back to him. But I broke if off yesterday and I am ashamed to say that I miss him so terribly.

I feel guilty and ashamed at having the affairs that ruined my marriage, and I feel hopeless at having a relationship again.

Is it because I didnt give myself enough of a break between relationships? Is it because as I grow older, I am anxious to find a partner and get married again? Is it because all the failed relationships plus a critical mother have made me extremely insecure and I cannot trust a man?

Whatever it is, I am dying inside and I am losing all hope. Add to everything the death of my beloved dog and I do not know what is happening in my life at all. Why has everything turned out so bad?

I know some of you may flame me for the infidelity, but trust me, I have learned my mistake the hard way and have been nothing but faithful in all my later relationships.


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## HusbandInPain (Nov 8, 2011)

me,me,me,me,me,me,me,me,me,me,me....

What exactly have you learned about relationships?


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## Greenbook (Nov 30, 2011)

HusbandInPain said:


> me,me,me,me,me,me,me,me,me,me,me....
> 
> What exactly have you learned about relationships?


that they suck.
and that people like u r bitter.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

It's karma paying you a visit because you are the awful kind of woman who has two affairs during her marriage to a guy who appears to have loved you enough to actually still take you back after you twice put a stiletto shoe through his soul.

Enjoy your wallowing, because honestly the bed you now sleep in was made by you.

Maybe you can send your ex husband an email telling how crappy you find life now, at least he might feel better for it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Sorry about your situation, and your dog.

What would be a "good" marriage for you? Your affairs seem to tell me that you are seeking something that has been lacking in every relationship. 

What can you learn about "you" from the affairs? And I'm not talking about the negative alone.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Oh, btw the OM didn't deceive you. They saw a woman willing to cheat on her husband and they gave you the chance that YOU decided to take. It was all you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

@Greenbook: I sent you a Private Message.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Hi G I am glad you are looking for answers. You will get a lot of flack because there are many very lovely and worthy men who are in your ex place. I don't know if you can put yourself into his shoes and feel for him. 

If you can, it would be a blessing to him to hear from you with a heartfelt apology. Share with him what you have been going through. That act of humility and kindness will do two things, relieve him of some of the pain you caused and it may go partway towards healing you. 

Your life is not a mess it is not where you want it to be. What do you have to offer a good stable man? What do you want out of a relationship? Based on your experiences, can you identify red flags for loser men? Are you the type of woman a good stable man would want for a committed relationship. 

If you can examine what misstepts you took and the misconceptions that brought to these actions then I think you can make the neccessary changes to attract the right kind of man. Take a break from dating and study up on relationships. Clear your heart and mind of the past by atoning for the wrong that you have done. Then be honest, cOmpassionate and self protective, value yourself and you will find some who will value you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Greenbook said:


> ...I know some of you may flame me for the infidelity, but trust me, I have learned my mistake the hard way and have been nothing but faithful in all my later relationships.


I'm not trying to flame you, but helping you see something that you are blind to:

Infidelity doesn't destroy the marriage, it destroys something else (hint: either your self-esteem, or your perception of what it means to marry).

You are treating "love" like it is an object that you have or don't have, that comes to you and leaves you. Love is a state of mind and it is a choice, when the love left your heart it has absolutely nothing to do with someone else, or your behavior, it was because YOU jettisoned it.


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