# The right things to do now



## immatureWife (Apr 16, 2017)

First of all, I am an Indian Muslim, so we come from a very different culture. 

So I don't want your suggestions as to who was right and who was wrong. My husband just seems to have lost a lot of interest in me (perhaps after I quit my job). And no, I am not getting a job because I need a break, I can sustain myself without any help, and I am pursuing some hobbies I am really passionate about. We have been married for eight months and basically my husband has been calling me immature, irresponsible, undisciplined, not in touch with reality, spoiled, a person having bipolar disorder and mood swings, etc, etc. He once even said he is not sure if he would have gone along with the marriage had I quit the job two weeks before we got married. So yesterday we had a day out and something upset me at the amusement park. So on our way back in the car I told him that since he was constantly criticizing me, he should also realize how it feels. So I told him he was an emotional abuser, I told him he liked strong women only so he could dominate them and shatter their confidence afterward, I also told him that unlike his father who was a physical abuser, he was probably an emotional abuser and liked to see his woman suffer like his mother did (I also cited one of his ex's example once holding his feet asking for forgiveness and that I wouldn't allow my maid to do that to me), judgemental, intolerant, always blaming others, if he noticed that I no longer wear my ring and that I no longer take selfies with him, along with other hurtful stuff. Well well, he didn't do anything wrong right before I had that outburst, but I guess I was boiling inside for a long time now and eventually it just came out. Then I told him that he should really give it a thought if he actually loves me, and once I knew the truth I would be able to make up my mind about my expectations and demands from him and how we should continue with this marriage. To this he said that we should separate. I asked him if I should leave that very night and he said it was up to me. I told him I was too tired to pack so I would be leaving the next morning. I didn't say anything else and actually even slept peacefully for a while in the car. After we got back home, I slept in the next room. He did show up once at night and put a blanket on the bed but I pretended to be fast asleep. So I got up this morning, packed ALL of my stuff (papers, medical records, clothes and shoes that he didn't buy for me) and also returned him the iPhone that he had given me when he was pursuing me. I just requested him to send me over the snapshots I had taken the day before with the phone since I did not have the time to transfer them (damn it! I forgot my iPad and now I can't read my ebooks). He wanted to help me get my stuff in the cab, but I refused his help and just walked out the door. So now, here are my questions:

1. Did I do the right thing by returning his iPhone? He did ask me "you are leaving back your phone?"
2. Should I unfriend him on facebook? He still has our picture together as his profile picture, but this could be because if he changes it now the relatives may get suspicious. 
3. Do I block him on Flickr? (not to offend him, but I keep checking if he has uploaded anything new and I want to stop doing that)

I am not particularly devastated, perhaps what has happened hasn't sunk in yet. I'll probably wake up tomorrow feeling really sick and depressed. Perhaps I feel that he'll come around. I am NOT going to chase him or call him or text him. There is an upcoming event where my mother was supposed to introduce him to the family members who weren't present at the ceremony, but I asked my mother to cancel it. Any other suggestions? Because I am quite old and I don't want a divorce. And yes, I do love him.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

immatureWife said:


> First of all, I am an Indian Muslim, so we come from a very different culture.
> 
> So I don't want your suggestions as to who was right and who was wrong. My husband just seems to have lost a lot of interest in me (perhaps after I quit my job). And no, I am not getting a job because I need a break, I can sustain myself without any help, and I am pursuing some hobbies I am really passionate about. We have been married for eight months and basically my husband has been calling me immature, irresponsible, undisciplined, not in touch with reality, spoiled, a person having bipolar disorder and mood swings, etc, etc. He once even said he is not sure if he would have gone along with the marriage had I quit the job two weeks before we got married. So yesterday we had a day out and something upset me at the amusement park. So on our way back in the car I told him that since he was constantly criticizing me, he should also realize how it feels. So I told him he was an emotional abuser, I told him he liked strong women only so he could dominate them and shatter their confidence afterward, I also told him that unlike his father who was a physical abuser, he was probably an emotional abuser and liked to see his woman suffer like his mother did (I also cited one of his ex's example once holding his feet asking for forgiveness and that I wouldn't allow my maid to do that to me), judgemental, intolerant, always blaming others, if he noticed that I no longer wear my ring and that I no longer take selfies with him, along with other hurtful stuff. Well well, he didn't do anything wrong right before I had that outburst, but I guess I was boiling inside for a long time now and eventually it just came out. Then I told him that he should really give it a thought if he actually loves me, and once I knew the truth I would be able to make up my mind about my expectations and demands from him and how we should continue with this marriage. To this he said that we should separate. I asked him if I should leave that very night and he said it was up to me. I told him I was too tired to pack so I would be leaving the next morning. I didn't say anything else and actually even slept peacefully for a while in the car. After we got back home, I slept in the next room. He did show up once at night and put a blanket on the bed but I pretended to be fast asleep. So I got up this morning, packed ALL of my stuff (papers, medical records, clothes and shoes that he didn't buy for me) and also returned him the iPhone that he had given me when he was pursuing me. I just requested him to send me over the snapshots I had taken the day before with the phone since I did not have the time to transfer them (damn it! I forgot my iPad and now I can't read my ebooks). He wanted to help me get my stuff in the cab, but I refused his help and just walked out the door. So now, here are my questions:
> 
> ...


The last statement has me baffled.

Here is why: You say you don't want a divorce and you love him, BUT........

You: tell him you haven't been wearing your wedding ring or taking selfies with him.
Walk out on him and take your ****.
Want to block him on social media.
Don't want him to meet your relatives.

YOur questions:

1) yes, give him back all the things he gave you that you don't deserve or need.
2,3) You can block him on all social media if you want to, it matters not. It's totally up to you. But it's obvious you are looking forward to him begging you back, and that will make it harder for him. Again, win/win for you.

I have a couple of questions:
1) He did nothing wrong, in your own words, and you blew up on him? Yet you call HIM emotionally abusive? HOW SO???
2) How do you support yourself with no job? Trust fund? Parent's wealth? Lotto winner?
3) Why did you say you love him in your last sentence, but are acting like this? It's really pretty crazy. Am I missing something?
4) Why did you just up and quit your job? 
5) Do you love him and want to stay married to him? I'm confused....... 

Observation: You are really hard to understand. I suspect he is having trouble as well.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Immaturewife:

I think you know you are treating him poorly. That is not to substantiate his behavior, which doesn't look so great, either.

Maybe you leaving is for the best.

And BTW, as to this sentence:



immatureWife said:


> So I don't want your suggestions as to who was right and who was wrong.


This really sounds suspicious, as if you know you will be held to task for your actions.


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## Edo Edo (Feb 21, 2017)

Evinrude58 said:


> The last statement has me baffled.
> 
> Here is why: You say you don't want a divorce and you love him, BUT........
> 
> ...



My guess was that she didn't want the stigma of a divorce, not necessarily the divorce itself. In many Muslim cultures, the stigma of divorce can be as severe as in some strict Christian societies - maybe worse - and especially so for women. But it seems to me that mentally, she is already headed in that direction anyway.


To the OP: Forget about the iphone, block him from your social media, and proceed with the divorce. Neither of you deserve what the other one is dishing out to each other and since both of you aren't going to understand why you're both in the wrong, there's no sense prolonging the suffering...


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## immatureWife (Apr 16, 2017)

Evinrude58 said:


> The last statement has me baffled.
> You: tell him you haven't been wearing your wedding ring or taking selfies with him.
> Walk out on him and take your ****.
> Want to block him on social media.
> Don't want him to meet your relatives.


Like I said, I did not ask for your suggestions as to who was right or who was wrong. The details are just too long, and I didn't want to bore you all with them. I don't think I owe anybody any explanation, but I"ll try to answer your questions anyhow and try to be as precise and to the point as possible. 



Evinrude58 said:


> 1) yes, give him back all the things he gave you that you don't deserve or need.


I left my iPad and my electric treadmill at his place. Should I ask him for them or would that offend him or would he feel like I am just trying to communicate with him?



Evinrude58 said:


> 2,3) You can block him on all social media if you want to, it matters not. It's totally up to you. But it's obvious you are looking forward to him begging you back, and that will make it harder for him. Again, win/win for you.


I don't want to do anything to offend him, I have just been doing some reading (like "The last resort technique") and apparently not allowing him to view what I have been doing may bring back the spark in the relationship. If you read "the last resort technique" you'll also realize how chasing can rather be harmful. I am just trying to give him his space, because he keeps complaining that I don't give him space. 



Evinrude58 said:


> I have a couple of questions:
> 1) He did nothing wrong, in your own words, and you blew up on him? Yet you call HIM emotionally abusive? HOW SO???


Like I said, I have been upset with many of his actions for a while now. I actually went back to his place only two days back, without him begging me to go back, and forced a fake smile on my face (trust me, it looked genuine), although I was boiling inside. 



Evinrude58 said:


> 2) How do you support yourself with no job? Trust fund? Parent's wealth? Lotto winner?


Inherited property/real estate. 



Evinrude58 said:


> 3) Why did you say you love him in your last sentence, but are acting like this? It's really pretty crazy. Am I missing something?


Like I said, I had an outburst because I have been boiling inside for a while now. And I feel I should give him space. He shouldn't have to live with someone if he resents that person so much (yes, he once said he developed resentment towards me). I guess I have some resentment towards him too. 



Evinrude58 said:


> 4) Why did you just up and quit your job?


Because I can afford to. I know a lot of people are going to hate me for this. But just because I quit my job doesn't mean I keep calling him or texting him all day while he is at work. I am extra cautious not to do that. Even when he arrives home really late because he has to attend dinners I don't text him in case he feels disturbed because I understand and respect that his job is very demanding. Trust me when I say that I have a lot of hobbies to keep myself busy. And when you have been working since 2003, it is sometimes healthy to take an extended break from work to pursue your hobbies. And I don't financially burden him either. If anything, I am the one buying stuff for him and the house and even paid for that trip to the amusement park. And it's not like he is a low wage earner either, he is quite capable of maintaining himself and his wife. But again, trust me when I say that I DON'T demand a single penny from him (although he did buy the monopoly game board the night before...hmm). 



Evinrude58 said:


> 5) Do you love him and want to stay married to him? I'm confused.......


Well right now I am not devastated or depressed. Perhaps because I am still mad at him too for throwing me out of his house when I just went back two days ago. I'll be able to answer your question better tomorrow morning when I'll wake up all depressed and heart-broken. In fact, I am quite sure that is going to be the case. Maybe I am in shock now to feel anything. 



Evinrude58 said:


> Observation: You are really hard to understand. I suspect he is having trouble as well.


Perhaps...


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

OP, you sound as emotionally shallow as he is emotionally abusive.

You are on the precipice of ending your marriage, and the only things that concern you have to do with possession of an iPad and whether you should block him on social media?

Ask him for the iPad, then when he delivers, block and file.

Problem solved.


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## immatureWife (Apr 16, 2017)

farsidejunky said:


> Immaturewife:
> 
> I think you know you are treating him poorly. That is not to substantiate his behavior, which doesn't look so great, either.
> 
> ...


Oh, I also called him a materialistic man with bad intentions. It says in his star sign, Taurus men tend to be very materialistic and stubborn. On the other hand, we Gemini women tend to be very flaky and frivolous but not at all stubborn. Man... Taurus and Gemini are just a bad match... meant to end in disaster. Why did I not read about it before we got married? It's just that his proposal was just so wonderful and he was so wonderful and sweet and loving up until I quit my job. I hate him because he changed like this. Now he doesn't even touch me. Sometimes it makes me wonder if he has erectile dysfunction. I spoke to his ex-wife once, and she told me that he was impotent and the only time he could perform was if he was on viagra. Well, perhaps she has bad intentions too. I used to have a chicken (like a pet) and apparently he told one of his relatives that not only do I look like the chicken but I also behave like one hehe. I don't know if she made that up but it hurt a lot.


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## immatureWife (Apr 16, 2017)

farsidejunky said:


> OP, you sound as emotionally shallow.


I am emotionally shallow, it's not my fault, it's my star sign - Gemini. I am not worried about returning the iPhone, I am worried if that offended him further. And about the iPad, I need to read!! And keep myself busy!! I downloaded some great ebooks on photography! And really, I read and feel that women who stop their lives because their marriages are falling apart are bigger turn offs.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

immatureWife said:


> ......*I left my iPad and my electric treadmill at his place.* Should I ask him for them or would that offend him or would he feel like I am just trying to communicate with him?
> 
> ......Like I said, I have been upset with many of his actions for a while now. *I actually went back to his place only two days back, without him begging me to go back, and forced a fake smile on my face (trust me, it looked genuine), although I was boiling inside. *
> 
> ...





immatureWife said:


> Oh, I also called him a materialistic man with bad intentions. It says in his star sign, Taurus men tend to be very materialistic and stubborn. On the other hand, we Gemini women tend to be very flaky and frivolous but not at all stubborn. Man... *Taurus and Gemini are just a bad match... meant to end in disaster. Why did I not read about it before we got married?*
> 
> .....It's just that his proposal was just so wonderful and he was *so wonderful and sweet and loving up until I quit my job. I hate him because he changed like this.* *Now he doesn't even touch me. Sometimes it makes me wonder if he has erectile dysfunction.* *I spoke to his ex-wife once, and she told me that he was impotent and the only time he could perform was if he was on viagra.* Well, perhaps she has bad intentions too. I used to have a chicken (like a pet) and apparently he told one of his relatives that not only do I look like the chicken but I also behave like one hehe. I don't know if she made that up but it hurt a lot.





immatureWife said:


> *I am emotionally shallow, it's not my fault, it's my star sign - Gemini.* I am not worried about returning the iPhone, I am worried if that offended him further. And about the iPad, I need to read!! And keep myself busy!! I downloaded some great ebooks on photography! And really, I read and feel that women who stop their lives because their marriages are falling apart are bigger turn offs.


Let's see if I understand. 

You love your husband, but are very angry with him.

You are no longer living with your H, but you seem to be OK with that as you seem to like financial and emotional distance. 

He has been married before and has ED problems, but you have no idea if that is part of what is making your husband distant toward you, especially after you have had a big argument where you yelled at him.

You feel that part of the reasons for your problems are your zodiac signs. 

I would like to suggest that you find a really good marriage counselor and a really good individual counselor. In particular you need to figure out what you want out of a marriage, so you can share it with your H and the marriage counselor to see if that is something that you and your H can work toward and will be satisfying to both of you.

Your H has been married before. His ex-wife told you he has serious ED problems and yet you don't really know if he has ED problems with you? I find that really hard to believe. It indicates that either you and your H are not communicating in the most core of marital issues.

Again, I think you should take some of your money and invest it in marriage counseling for you and your H's marriage.

Good luck


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, but in ourselves.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

immatureWife said:


> I am emotionally shallow, it's not my fault, it's my star sign - Gemini. I am not worried about returning the iPhone, I am worried if that offended him further. And about the iPad, I need to read!! And keep myself busy!! I downloaded some great ebooks on photography!


Oh come on, this star sign stuff is superstition. It means nothing. But it does make a good excuse I guess for superstitious people.



immatureWife said:


> And really, I read and feel that women who stop their lives because their marriages are falling apart are bigger turn offs.


I agree with this. Too many men and women do this once they marry. They become someone that is not the same as the person their spouse fell in love with. Of course sometimes life demands that we change.. children, bills, work, extended family, etc. are valid things that people have to deal with in life. And after marriage, a lot of these things enter into a relationship.


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## immatureWife (Apr 16, 2017)

Young at Heart said:


> You are no longer living with your H, but you seem to be OK with that as you seem to like financial and emotional distance.


Of course I don't like emotional distance. I would have jumped with joy if he made a call or showed up. I just get the feeling that he doesn't want me to be around. 



Young at Heart said:


> He has been married before and has ED problems, but you have no idea if that is part of what is making your husband distant toward you, especially after you have had a big argument where you yelled at him.
> 
> His ex-wife told you he has serious ED problems and yet you don't really know if he has ED problems with you? I find that really hard to believe. It indicates that either you and your H are not communicating in the most core of marital issues.


I have been married before too. 

I can't accuse him of having ED problems, that'll just make things worse, perhaps shatter his confidence even further? 

However, he couldn't perform for two days after we got married and he said that it happened to him before when he tried to do it with somebody new, and that it'll be okay. I think he could finally do it on the third night, and he said he was feeling very confident and for about 2/3 months after that he was unstoppable. 

When I bring it up he says he has confidence issues and he'll soon be okay. He says he fears I'll get upset while I have assured him time and again that his not lasting long does not upset me, it's his not making a move is what upsets me. He used to literally do it five times a night in the beginning (although his ex-wife says that was because he was on viagra when he did it, and she is 100% certain that he takes medication to get an erection). 

And I have suggested to him that we both see a sex therapist, he told me that he was looking for one and found one, but he didn't bring it up again. He also says that sex is not something you can engage in when you are having problems with your wife. So I really am clueless. He does have an erection when I make the first move but he can't last long and doesn't cum(???? is that normal ???). 

*It also upsets me when he says: look, we'll not be having sex more than two times a week, okay?* Well he is not doing it two times a week though, but what upsets me is he sounds like he'll do it only because he has to. 

Perhaps this is the root cause of it all. He is so disappointed with himself that he married me that he lost his attraction. When I ask him why he has lost his attraction he says it's because of the various this, this and that about me that bothers him. I tend to get upset and resentful. 

Honestly, even if he's impotent, I don't have a problem. As long as he doesn't put the blame on me and make me feel all guilty all the time. 




Young at Heart said:


> I would like to suggest that you find a really good marriage counselor and a really good individual counselor. In particular you need to figure out what you want out of a marriage, so you can share it with your H and the marriage counselor to see if that is something that you and your H can work toward and will be satisfying to both of you.


Yes done that already and he agreed to it (that was before he suggested separation last night). [/QUOTE]




Young at Heart said:


> Again, I think you should take some of your money and invest it in marriage counseling for you and your H's marriage.
> Good luck


Trust me I am more than eager to see one. But perhaps now that he asked for separation (and also thinking of divorce) this may not be the right time to suggest one. Perhaps if he too wants the marriage to work and starts to communicate, I'll suggest it.

Thank you


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

> immatureWife said:
> 
> 
> > 1. Did I do the right thing by returning his iPhone? He did ask me "you are leaving back your phone?"
> ...


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

What happened with your first marriage ? Why did it end ?


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

immatureWife said:


> *I am emotionally shallow, it's not my fault, it's my star sign - Gemini.* I am not worried about returning the iPhone, I am worried if that offended him further. And about the iPad, I need to read!! And keep myself busy!! I downloaded some great ebooks on photography! And really, I read and feel that women who stop their lives because their marriages are falling apart are bigger turn offs.


Really?!? Can I give you a little life lesson? The person that you are has everything to do with your upbringing for starters, then when you get to be an adult, it's all about your personal choices. You cannot chalk it up to your star sign. I'm an Aries, and some of the description, which I just googled, says that I'm Enterprising, Active, Courageous and Energetic, Guileless and Optimistic to a fault. However, they also are impatient, impetuous and proud. Most of this is true, to a point, but it's not because I'm an Aries; it's because I am who I am and who I was raised to be.

Also, join your local library to get books out so that you can read. Maybe they have those photography books in the library.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

immatureWife said:


> I am emotionally shallow, it's not my fault, it's my star sign - Gemini. I am not worried about returning the iPhone, I am worried if that offended him further. And about the iPad, I need to read!! And keep myself busy!! I downloaded some great ebooks on photography! And really, I read and feel that women who stop their lives because their marriages are falling apart are bigger turn offs.


Eh?

Good for you girl. You have surmounted a mountain that few others could even imagining getting past.

You climbed past your upbringing.
You climbed past your culture.
You climbed past your soon-to-real shunning by your community.

This culture and community will be gunning for you. I say this with clarity of thought. I do not say this lightly.

Good luck....put miles between your husband and family.

I wish you the best!!
............................................................................................................................
Gemini is a Mutable sign. This is an Intellectual sign. One ruled by thoughts, more so than feelings.
Most are flexible. They are known to marry more than once. 

Fear not. You are your own person. You need to be loyal to yourself. Be loyal to those who deserve to be loyal to.


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