# I am better than this!!!!



## Longy (Jun 4, 2011)

Well apologies it has been this long since I posted here.

Well me and wifey have been on the rocks for about a year now, started off when I read her mobile and found she had been texting with another guy but it didn't suggest anything physical had happened. We seem to recover from that, sex was great for a few months and then reduced to once a month or so. My father passed away in April 2011 and she was supportive but a month later I read her Facebook and found she has been chatting with this guy, she wasn't chatting in a sexual way but he was, I challenged her, we got everything out on the table or so I thought, she said there wasn't any feelings for him but she later said she felt she " wasn't in love with me anymore". I later found some semi naked pics of her she emailed to this guy which had been sent over several months... Including the ones when I was watching my dad on his death bed with cancer.
When I found the emailed pics I packed a bag and sat it at the front door and when she walked in from work I said spill the beans or I'm gone... After teasing it outta her she finally admitted to being extremely stupid and she swore nothing was going on.
Well we had a nice weekend away last October and we had a great time, great sex but I am mentally scarred by what's happened and have very little trust for her.
I have made her aware of this but she doesn't know what to do to help, I've asked her to be transparent with phones emails etc but she locks her phone. 
We haven't had sex at all, kissed or even really cuddled since last October which I am struggling with....

We have spoke about trial seperations but with the two kids (3 and 5) it would be complicated.

I feel like the kids are all we are together for and our marriage has gone cold.

I feel I could conquer the world without her as I have a good enjoyable job but do still love her to bits.

Your thoughts please!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Unfortunately you love your wife a whole lot more than she loves you. Furthermore, trust is gone; she is doing absolutely nothing to regain your trust again. A sound and viable marriage can not survive without it. 

Your situation is rather clear sitting on the outside looking in. Your wife will have to live a transparent life and really commit to saving your marriage. Otherwise you will never trust her and you will be wasting your time.

You are correct. You are better than this--and so are your children!


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

she has already gone several times over my new threshold.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

My H moved out and we have a few kids 4-8yo and it's been very hard and confusing for them. We have seen some issues start to arise and I have them in therapy (he btw says it's all natural or that I am making too much of the issues - blameshifting/denial). I bet your kids sense things aren't right already. 

Can you get her into MC? She doesn't seem to think that you are really taking this as hard as your are... she needs a wake up call. You have asked her to be transparent - she needs to be. You have given her opportunities I hope she won't risk the family she will miss because of this fog she seems to be in. 

Staying together for the kids has been done for years and some ppl are either for/against it. I was okay w/ trying it until he seemed to show more deceit /disrespect while in the house, when he was getting worse and obviously not trying I was fine w/ him moving out.

But you also still lover her... maybe you two can find your way back to each other. 


-forever the romantic (or is it foolish and just burying my head)

Good luck on making some big decisions (there's no rush btw unless you make your own timeline)


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## Longy (Jun 4, 2011)

Everytime I want to talk she doesn't want to, she doesn't want to see a MC . We never really argue, we just get on and are more like good friends than husband and wife. It's easy to blame things like the kids, my job ( as it can bring a little stress at times). She tries to say that she felt this way about me before the texting etc with the OM but I think that's her mind trying to justify her in acceptable actions. I know one thing for sure... I am her rock and have brought great things into her life, built a new house for us and we are mortgage free at 30 yrs old, we had a fairy tale wedding that everyone still talks about 6 years on.

I think you are right, she just needs a good shake up... A fright! To show her what she is about to lose and she would probably come round.

I hate the snooping around and checking her phone behind her back but it's the only way I can try and trust her if she ain't playing ball!!

I have promised myself one thing, I will continue to support my kids and be myself, stay healthy and exercise and look after myself but.... 

The next instance I find she's been fooling around, without question I will move out and make steps towards devorce!!

Thanks all
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Whatever you do do not leave your house. She needs to leave. If you leave she'll cite abandonment and you'll be screwed in any custody battle.
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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Demand MC for the kids sake. She understands your relationship is unhealthy and that anything short of trying to repair the damaged marriage will damage the kids.

I agree do not leave the house. If one needs to leave it should be the one who cheated.


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## Longy (Jun 4, 2011)

I think we are just sitting in a stalemate situation, we have identified there is a problem but not sure how to resolve if. 
Any time I suggest MC she says no on the grounds that a friend of hers went through it all and paid alot of money and seen very little improvement ... And now they have seperated.
I think she looks at her friend who has seperated and is somewhat jealous as she is now dating another guy.
I said to her if that's the case then tell me and we will most def proceed to seperate, her reply was that she doesn't want to be with anyone else.

I think to summarise; she does t feel like its quite bad enough to seperate but obviously the marriage is lacking some key elements.

Thanks all for your support so far
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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

If the wife doesn't want to do counseling try a marriage self-help book? But counseling is generally cheaper than a divorce and you should find one you both feel like you can work with (which might mean a couple of appts).


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Longy, you should go to the coping with infidelity forum here and READ! At a minimum, your wife is still in the "fog" of her (at least) emotional Affair.

Her refusal to leave her cell unlocked and to try any type of counseling are huge red flags. Based on what I've seen and read here in the past, I would think that the affair is still active or she's holding out hope it will turn back on.

There are many things you should be doing to monitor her activities such as using a key logger on your home computer, checking the cell phone bill for frequent texts and calls to one number etc!

Trust your gut! It's probably right


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## Longy (Jun 4, 2011)

Toffer; I am trying not to rock the boat just now, and I kinda swore to not bring the subje t of the OM into our discussions as this always seemed an easy way for me to win any argument.
I am checking her phone, she doesn't know I have her unlock code so I am keeping tabs and waiting for that discovery, 
It's like feckin mind games all the time, u think ur being paranoid but then when u get that feeling of sinking and you scratch below the surface you will most likely find sOmething untoward... This has been the case twice now.
I hate snooping, I started with a 180 Approach and started running. Getting fit which was a boost of self confidence and is still the case now.

Mr magoo: I am sad to hear that someone else has/is going through similar sh!t
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## Toshiba2020 (Mar 1, 2012)

if she truly loved you and was upset with what she did she would be willing to do what it takes to fix everything including show you her phone and emails, at least for awhile until you regain trust.


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## Longy (Jun 4, 2011)

I went to have a browse through her phone this morning and found that she'd changed her pin again. I confronted her and asked her why she felt the need to change her code twice in 2 months if she had nothing to hide??? She went on the defensive and said she was disappointed that I had been checking her phone, I said it was the only way of me reassuring myself that I can trust you. I said the fact she changes her code just raises suspicion ...
She said that she talks about us to her two close friends ( females) which I knew anyway, and that there are things that are private in the convos. I said that at any time in my whole life could check my phone and I would have nothing to hide.

She stopped talking to me at that point and I left to take the kids to school.

She's so strong headed... She thinks am doing more wrong here than her!!!

I don't need anyone else to talk to about our marriage... I just go on my feelings and instincts and they are usually right'!!

#frustrated!!
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