# Disappointed...but not surprised I guess



## desperatelyseeking (Dec 8, 2009)

Some of you may remember my situation which I posted over the past month, well not much has changed. As I titled the topic, this is disappointing, very disappointing, yet somehow I am not very surprised by it all.

For those of you that remember, and those who read this and don't know you can find it under the thread "Feels like my husband pulled the plug", on December 13th my husband engaged me in yet another argument, however, this one was for me as "the straw that broke the camels back". In this argument he not only accused me of lying to him over something extremely stupid, but even went as far as insinuating I've been deceitful at other times through his stating "I wonder what other truth's you have omitted from your trips to Miami" which is where my mother lives and where my son has been residing with my mother since May. I make occasional trips to see them usually revolving around some event going on.

Well, long story short, after that argument I told my husband I had nothing to discuss with him until we were in front of a marriage counselor. He and I got married June of 2008 and withing just a couple of weeks of being married my husband began to show his true colors. It was like a Dr. Jeckyl/Mr. Hyde situation and suddenly the man standing before me as my husband was as different from the man I was dating as day is from night. I remember clearly the very first time I sat down and initiated a conversation with him regarding this, it was September of 2008. During this conversation, somehow, he made it all about me, somehow my fault. I told him at that point that I felt we needed marriage counseling and that it was quite evident we should have had some level of pre-marital counseling prior to getting married, which I wanted but we never got around to having it.

Flashing through, since Sept. '08 there have been many, many times that in the course of our arguments I have told him we need marriage counseling. I have made it very clear. As clear as stating "if I had seen this side of you prior to getting married I guarantee we would not be married, in fact I would have run as far away from you as possible, we need marriage counseling or we are clearly on the road to divorce". My husband did nothing about this. He made no attempt to get us marriage counseling, something I told him he needed to set up and arrange because I wasn't even on the medical insurance. He never placed me once we got married. He didn't place me on it when open enrollment came around. In fact, it was not until this past December (1.5 yrs after being married) that he finally included me.

Well.... since this last argument of Dec. 13, I once again made it very clear that we need marriage counseling. In fact, this time making it even more clear than possibly before. Sleeping on the couch (by choice) and basically not speaking to him but for the very needed essentials that must be discussed through the course of life involving children. There have been a couple occasions where he tried to get me to talk saying stuff like "are you going to stay mad forever" or "are you going to sleep on the couch forever" and I have responded to him saying "I have nothing to say to you but two words 'marriage counseling'". I can't make it anymore clear.

On December 28, 2009 my daughter (17 yrs. old) sent my husband a text message basically telling him that he is a fake, nothing like he was while we were dating and that she was tired of seeing me upset. She told him that she wasn't trying to be disrespectful but that if he wanted to try to fix this he needed to get us in marriage counseling. Anyway, in that conversation he basically told my daughter she shouldn't judge without having all the facts (which I find laughable since this is one of the things that aggravates me so much about him that he is such a judgmental/critical/arrogant/self-righteous person). He did however tell my daughter that she was right about the marriage counseling.

Yet I find it very interesting, and personally feel that it speaks volumes to me, that he still until this day has done absolutely nothing towards getting counseling. I find it disappointing YES... surprising... if I'm honest NO. I know some think/say "remind him"... and to that I would say "he is not a child and I should not have to be reminding him, however, I would think that the mere fact I am sleeping on the couch every night should be reminder enough every evening he sleeps alone and every morning he walks right past me to leave for work". Some may think/say "force him to do it, like stand in front of him and say now... make an appointment".... and to that I would say "I shouldn't have to do that, he is not a child which I need to grab by the hand and supervise while they do something they've been told to do and are expected to do".

I don't know what to think anymore. Honestly this is kind of where my mind and heart are at right now as to where things are in regards to his ignoring my request for counseling...

- he is arrogant enough to think that this is just going to eventually blow over and things will return back to normal.
- he cares so little about our marriage that it fazes him not that it has fallen apart.
- he doesn't want to go to counseling because at some level he knows he's been a **** and doesn't want to hear it from an outsider.
- he doesn't want to hear he's been wrong because he doesn't want to have to work at making changes.
- he doesn't think/believe nor will he be willing to accept that he's been wrong in anyway... it must all be me, my fault. If only I could shape up and align myself with what he wants.

Whatever one of those it is, honestly, I don't care. Yes it hurts, how could it not. I mean I didn't get married thinking "oh yeah, I want my marriage to fail. To be one that is abusive to me mentally, emotionally, verbally. Yeah I want to be married so we could be the equivalent of to total strangers living together under one roof and yeah I want to get married so I can be someones emotional punching bag so they have an outlet for their anger". No I did not get married thinking those things, wanting those things, so the disappointment that this is what my marriage has become is very painful. It hurts. However, I do believe I have emotionally to some degree detached myself from this marriage. At times it feels like I am physically here but I left it already in other ways. That is sad.

To be honest... I don't even know if I care for marriage counseling anymore. Guess I've come to the conclusion that he is perfectly happy being the way he is and I am not expecting or hoping for any changes anymore. Guess I'm coming to the point of giving up any hope that was left that this marriage could be saved in any way. Frankly... right now I feel like I am just sitting here, doing the bare minimal that I have to do to get by, while I buy my time to get things together that I need to do (financially and stuff) and while my daughter finishes off her senior year. Guess I'm reaching that point of seeing my escape date and just surviving until then.

Some of you may have a bit more experience with this than I do or I have had and I really would appreciate your feedback on this. On his lack of action or interest in solving the problem, in getting the counseling. From the outside looking in, based on what I have shared what is your feedback, analysis, opinion on both him....why he isn't doing anything to get the counseling... and also on me and what I'm feeling and maybe even why... I don't know I'm just really overwhelmed inside right now and to make matters worse I have a bunch of other stuff going on. A situation with my son that doesn't help any because I find myself alone in a way in dealing with it because I can't count on my husband to be there to help me through it. My husband who was supposed to be my best friend here, my companion, the one whom we were to share each other's burdens with, help each other through it. But while I have been that for him over and over and over again through our marriage... he hasn't for me.

Ughh.


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Ok, you may not like to hear this but, what on earth are you playing this game for? If you really wanted to save the marriage, you'd make the appointment yourself. Doesn't matter who makes the phone call if you give them his insurance information. 

You are the one who, presumably, wanted to do counseling. By leaving it to him to make the appointment, you are demonstrating that YOU don't really care about saving the relationship. If you knew this would happen (he wouldn't follow through), then why did you set him up for failure if YOU really cared? 

If it's too late, just leave. Otherwise, make the call, set up the appointment. Quit playing games.


----------



## desperatelyseeking (Dec 8, 2009)

sisters359 said:


> Ok, you may not like to hear this but, what on earth are you playing this game for? If you really wanted to save the marriage, you'd make the appointment yourself. Doesn't matter who makes the phone call if you give them his insurance information.
> 
> You are the one who, presumably, wanted to do counseling. By leaving it to him to make the appointment, you are demonstrating that YOU don't really care about saving the relationship. If you knew this would happen (he wouldn't follow through), then why did you set him up for failure if YOU really cared?
> 
> If it's too late, just leave. Otherwise, make the call, set up the appointment. Quit playing games.


Playing games? To begin with.... I am not on his insurance. I call the insurance and because of privacy act they can't even tell me anything on the insurance, what coverage there is or anything because of the HIPPA laws and how I am NOT on the policy.

Second... why is it my responsibility. I have proven over and over throughout the 1.5 years of marriage that I care about this marriage and wanted it to work. I immediately added him to my car insurance. I added him to my bank account. I have taken on the responsibility of raising his children as if they were my own. Doing more for them than he or their mother does. 

Every compromise that has been made in this marriage has been made by me. My world has changed entirely with added responsibilities on my plate all while his world remains the same albeit becoming 150% easier since marrying me. Not only in the practical sense of everyday living but including financially. I have made alot, even all the sacrifices here while his only sacrifice has been giving up the possibility of dating others. This however has not kept him from having conversations with an ex-girlfriend behind my back, viewing pornography... both things discussed prior to marriage he was against and would never do. In fact... private conversations with members of the opposite sex was a biggie for him and he wanted to be sure I was on the same page as he was because it was huge for him, yet he can do it??????

I have tried to resolve every problem in the marriage. I have tried to talk things through. All that happens is arguing and his disrespecting me, criticizing me, etc. His expecting that I put my kids aside as he should come before everything including my children's needs. His children coming before mine as well. All this while his concept of resolving problems is "I ignore them and they go away"... to which I responded to him each time "no when problems get ignored they only grow into bigger problems". One of the times I mentioned counseling for a different issue between him and his son he told me he doesn't believe in the "psycho babble". Mind you his own son at 15 left to go live with his mother and is now currently living with his aunt and won't even speak to his father. His son told me just about a month after I married his father "you don't know my father, you only know what he wanted you to know he is an a******* and you will see that in time, you made a mistake in marrying him". 

So sorry if yeah the ball is on his court now. I've proven I was willing to work on this marriage and make it work. He has yet to prove that to me. The ball had been constantly on my court and I was doing what needed to be done with it. I'm tired of holding the ball. Of being the only one to give a damn while he cares more about being right, his computer games and his TV shows than he does about our marriage, our family and even the children's needs not to mention mine. So yeah, I passed the ball. It's on his court now. Time for him to step up to the plate and do something. Time for him to show he gives a darn about this marriage. If not.... well then when the time comes and I am financially able to as well as practically able to then I will take the ball back in my court and do what I got to do for the benefit of me and my children. My son has already left the house because of the BS here and I'll be darned if my daughter ends up doing the same.

Am I being stubborn at this point. Yeah probably but like I said I have been dealing with this for 1.5 years and thus far it's been me putting forth most if not all of the effort. So no, it's no game.... he's not a child, he is a grown man that loves to criticize and judge everyone's shortcomings and throw his nose up in the air at others in his self-righteousness when it comes to responsibility and doing what needs or should be done. Time for him to put some action to the words and expectations he tosses at everyone else. To live up to the very expectations and standards he has for everyone else. I have been doing everything for him. No longer. This one, he will have to do for himself.... if he cares enough to do so. Which honestly, he is not showing he does.


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I'm so sorry honey. My marriage counselor told the H and I that he found our personality types amusing. Yeah amusing. Because I am the go to girl that everyone runs to when they need something done and need it done right, and he is the laid back let someone else deal with it guy. Which have proven to bite him in the a** on numerous occasions. Sounds like your H figures you'll just give up and he'll walk away scot free, and from the sound of it he has already used up all his free passes. Best of luck honey and I hope he can pull his head out before its too late.


----------



## LovingMother (Jan 6, 2010)

It doesn't matter who makes the appointment. Find a counselor yourself if he won't. If he refuses to attend, the counselor will support you in any way you need - marriage or divorce.


----------



## desperatelyseeking (Dec 8, 2009)

Thanks... seems it hasn't been made clear that if I had had health insurance (married 1.5 years and my husband did NOT place me on it & I do not work so have none of my own) then I would have set it up, if nothing else than for myself. However, not having the health insurance it had to be him to set it up, I couldn't.

Now granted, he just NOW (after 1.5 years) put me on the insurance and soon as I can I will set up Individual counseling for myself. I will not force marriage counseling on him. After 1.5 years of marriage and my asking several times throughout that time for us to attend marriage counseling and his ignoring the problems in our marriage, it will remain up to him to show an interest for the marriage counseling. 

That's just where I feel now. I can't help it. He has proven to me over and over through his inaction that he does not value our marriage or me. That he does not hold our marriage as a priority in any way. He much rather ignore the problems and hide away in his games while demanding his way whenever he wants to fight and being right than he does in fixing anything.

I feel that the fact I have been sleeping on the couch for just a couple days shy of 1 month all while he knowing, my repeating to him, that we need marriage counseling and his doing NOTHING about it but continuing to ignore that speaks volumes. It pretty much tells me all I need to know about where he stands in valuing our marriage or me.


----------

