# Don't know what to do



## dathrillisgone (Aug 13, 2012)

I know it's normal for couples to get bored after awhile. My husband and I have been married for going on 10 years now and our sex life is trash. I'm serious. I think he is extremely bored. We had sex this morning and it was just blah. He knew it. I hadn't said a word and he just went right into telling me that it because he was worried about getting me pregnant again. Meanwhile, I'm taking birth control and we have condoms.He always says that so I just say "bae, you want to just have a threesome". Him: You would die. What if the girl wants more and wants to take your man? Me: I'll get over it. I want you to be happy. 

I keep thinking about it and I genuinely feel like this. Since having kids, I KNOW I'm not the same woman down there and I feel sorry for him. I don't want him to be this miserable, it bothers me cause life is so short. I guess, I want to know how to actually go into a serious conversation about it with him without him brushing me off. I want him to have affairs so that I can alleviate the burden of feeling I'm taking the fun out of life for him.

Now, I do know the risks. I told him it doesn't have to hurt us, if HE doesn't let it and I mean that. I'm not a fool. I don't plan on going anywhere. I'm not in my prime anymore and have kids otherwise I would just set him free. It's not like a line of guys will be waiting for me so I'm sticking around, but I can't keep feeling like this. I feel bad every single time we have sex. And yes, we've have tried to spice things up in other ways, it's just not happening. We are too familiar with each other.


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## Jason Bourne (Jul 30, 2017)

My wife would be like him. And i would be asking for threesomes.
HOWEVER, i would suggest against bringing a 3rd party in because the problem is between you two and a edd person will not only not solve your issue but possibly cause more split. 
-is he willing to have an open cobstructive conversation?
-is he willing for you two to seek counseling?
-are you two living an extremelly stressful life and do things routinely?
-have you tried to spice things up in the bedroom see what tickles his fantasy?
-is he seeing somebody else?
-IS HE ADDICTED TO PORN? (Because of he is, i suggest he resets his brain by not watching it for at least 6 months)

I know the effects of porn on me and at least i have an excuse (wife is not interested in sex whatsoever, maybe once a year)


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

dathrillisgone said:


> Now, I do know the risks. I told him it doesn't have to hurt us, if HE doesn't let it and I mean that. I'm not a fool. I don't plan on going anywhere. *I'm not in my prime anymore and have kids otherwise I would just set him free. It's not like a line of guys will be waiting for me so I'm sticking around*, but I can't keep feeling like this. I feel bad every single time we have sex. And yes, we've have tried to spice things up in other ways, it's just not happening. We are too familiar with each other.



What a profoundly sad reason to be in a relationship. And what a truly awful way to feel about both yourself and your partner.


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## dathrillisgone (Aug 13, 2012)

Rowan said:


> What a profoundly sad reason to be in a relationship. And what a truly awful way to feel about both yourself and your partner.


Thank you for your response. I don't understand why you say this though. This is reality for alot of people. I think men know it more so than women though. I'm just one of the women that do know and accept it.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

dathrillisgone said:


> I feel bad every single time we have sex. And yes, we've have tried to spice things up in other ways, it's just not happening. We are too familiar with each other.


If it's bad now, it will only get worse - and if you do stay together, when hormone levels decline then you'll probably end up sexless. Now is the time to do something, which is why you're looking for ideas. That's a good start.

First of all, boredom doesn't always set in. It isn't normal to get totally bored with each other, unless there are additional factors. It certainly hasn't gotten boring for us, even after 17 years. However, many things contribute to a good sex life, beyond basic health and good hormone levels. Is there still physical and emotional attraction between you? Do you treat each other lovingly and respectfully in general? Do you both know how to please each other, and make the effort to do so most of the time? If you're both not making the effort (and _willing to_), then nothing will work.

Also, I strongly recommend against a threesome at this time. It might briefly spice things up, but the effect won't last without repetition, and the benefits won't necessarily improve things for you. First of all, figure out why he's lost interest in you - the things you cite aren't really issues, unless he can't accept the normal changes that come from age and having children.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

How old are you?
I'm still very attracted to my wife and she's in her mid 50s. 

Its possible to fall into a run in a relationship, or with sex - so you need to find a way to get out of that rut (and bringing in a 3rd person is probably not a good idea).

Do you have fantasies? Do you know his? It may not be possible to actively do all fantasies, but they can provide good hints for the type of things to try to do. 

What have you both done to try to bring passion back to your sex lives? What has worked, what hasn't. 








dathrillisgone said:


> Thank you for your response. I don't understand why you say this though. This is reality for alot of people. I think men know it more so than women though. I'm just one of the women that do know and accept it.


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## dathrillisgone (Aug 13, 2012)

Jason Bourne said:


> My wife would be like him. And i would be asking for threesomes.
> HOWEVER, i would suggest against bringing a 3rd party in because the problem is between you two and a edd person will not only not solve your issue but possibly cause more split.
> -is he willing to have an open cobstructive conversation?
> -is he willing for you two to seek counseling?
> ...


Yes, I have tried to spice things up. No porn, he won't watch it because he says that porn makes you want other people. He is not willing to talk about it. My thoughts are that he is trying to be noble while feeling something else. I respect that about him, but like I said, I feel bad. His actions shows that he is just not into me sexually anymore. Not to mention he got a hard on in front of me one day when he saw an attractive woman. Wtf, I pretended not to see it. I have found myself crying in the bathroom after sex numerous times. When I try to talk to him, I try not be emotional and as logical as possible as to not upset him so that we can come to an agreement that will work, but he is set on faking it and he is doing a poor job.I would rather he just cheat. I literally can smell the misery coming off of him in the intimacy area. Everything else in our life we're fine. I must also mention that I'm not out of shape. I get told all the time that I don't even look like I had a kid and I have 5. I'm 135 lbs. I take very good care of myself.

I know people are going to tell me not to do this, but like I said, I'm not trying to be alone. This is a trade off so to speak in return for not leaving me, he can do what he wants. It won't hurt me as much as being abandoned. I just want to know how to get him to to have an honest dialogue with me rather than playing this good guy stuff. I don't want him to spring some mess on me later so I need to manage this situation. How should I do this?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

How about counseling? Will he go if you insist? Perhaps there he will eventually open up about what he's feeling, as only then can you make some progress. And if he's against porn, then he's not going to be open to having sex with someone else, either, even if you're okay with it. So, there are several layers of things to work through to help him.


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## dathrillisgone (Aug 13, 2012)

uhtred said:


> How old are you?
> I'm still very attracted to my wife and she's in her mid 50s.
> 
> Its possible to fall into a run in a relationship, or with sex - so you need to find a way to get out of that rut (and bringing in a 3rd person is probably not a good idea).
> ...


I'm 29, he is 39. We don't really talk about fantasies. We have tried different things, but he's so awkward and weird during sex that it makes me feel very self conscious so I have quit trying to do anything unless he asks me. The worst part is he does initiate and when he does it begins and ends the same ways. He can barely get up, stay up and if he manages to get it somewhat up, it's one or two pumps and he doesn't want to do it anymore. He only likes when I give him oral. That's it.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

dathrillisgone said:


> Yes, I have tried to spice things up. No porn, he won't watch it because he says that porn makes you want other people. He is not willing to talk about it. My thoughts are that he is trying to be noble while feeling something else. I respect that about him, but like I said, I feel bad. His actions shows that he is just not into me sexually anymore. Not to mention he got a hard on in front of me one day when he saw an attractive woman. Wtf, I pretended not to see it. I have found myself crying in the bathroom after sex numerous times. When I try to talk to him, I try not be emotional anand d as logical as possible as to not upset him so that we can come to an agreement that will work, but he is set on faking it and he is doing a poor job.I would rather he just cheat. I literally can smell the misery coming off of him in the intimacy area. Everything else in our life we're fine. I must also mention that I'm not out of shape. I get told all the time that I don't even look like I had a kid and I have 5. I'm 135 lbs. I take very good care of myself.
> 
> I know people are going to tell me not to do this, but like I said, I'm not trying to be alone. This is a trade off so to speak in return for not leaving me, he can do what he wants. It won't hurt me as much as being abandoned. I just want to know how to get him to to have an honest dialogue with me rather than playing this good guy stuff. I don't want him to spring some mess on me later so I need to manage this situation. How should I do this?


I have to say Da, that am angry with you, you are truly selling yourself short.....NONE OF US after having kids are the people we used to be when we were young and carefree...none of us....and i am including men of which i am one...no offense your husband is acting like a real ****....i am guessing that your husband does not look like he did when you first met as well......if you have to offer a threesome to keep him...i say let him go...your dignity and self-respect and the respect he owns you should be as great...almost every marriage goes through boredom....but i am going to tell you right now the biggest sex organ you have is your mind and there in lies the ability to develop new ways to make things interesting without having to offer a threesome for keeping him. Tell me this would he reciprocate if you wanted another man? i bet no.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Sex produces bonding hormones. If he's having sex with someone else he will eventually bond to her. This plan actually increases the chances he'll leave in favor of another woman.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I've had kids, I'm older than you and I am very much in my prime and my vagina is wonderful... don't let yourself feel like you - just you- can't please a man. 

You need to figure out why the sex has gotten so blah and fix it. It has nothing to do with you being 29 and having kids.

You do not open a marriage in trouble, it will never work.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

He can't reliably get and stay hard and perform PIV with you. That is why he refrains from having sex and just wants to receive oral. Performance anxiety. Shame.

Very tricky for you to navigate this without triggering more shame and anxiety on his part. But needs to be done.

I am thinking you should discuss getting him some blue pills. Get him to the place where he can reliably get hard, stay hard, and give you a good ride. Then give him lots of positive affirmation for being willing to do that for you. Don't praise the performance so much as praise him for being willing to go outside his comfort zone in order to help you meet your needs. When you discuss this with him, don't focus on your desire for him to perform better. Focus on his willingness to do something for you that, on his own, he would not want to do. Ask him to please do this for you. Try it? What is there to lose? If it doesn't work, you haven't lost anything except a few dollars.

I fear that if you push him without the blue pills he will not perform well and he will retreat further into his shell.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

From everything I'm seeing, he has the problem, not you. Unless there is some issue you haven't mentioned, you sound like you are a desirable woman in her prime, someone many men would find very attractive. 

His sexual behavior is not normal. Its true that some men have difficulty with erections, but there are are lots of fun things he can do to please you in bed that don't require a working penis. If oral is all that works for him, that could be OK *IF* he is willing to do all sorts of other things to please you. 

You seem to have settled for a life with someone who is not a good lover. 

Does he have other traits that make up for his lack in this area?

Many couples keep passion alive until they are far older than you guys are. 




dathrillisgone said:


> I'm 29, he is 39. We don't really talk about fantasies. We have tried different things, but he's so awkward and weird during sex that it makes me feel very self conscious so I have quit trying to do anything unless he asks me. The worst part is he does initiate and when he does it begins and ends the same ways. He can barely get up, stay up and if he manages to get it somewhat up, it's one or two pumps and he doesn't want to do it anymore. He only likes when I give him oral. That's it.


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