# Instead of resolving disagreements, she walks away and refuses to talk.



## brokenFlowers (Aug 21, 2011)

I really don't know what to do anymore. 

Long story short, my wife openly complains about everything. Sometimes her complaints pertain to others, other times they only pertain to me. In general, I do my best to stay focused on the big picture - which is to get along and be happy together. So, I don't get overly upset about the complaints.

The problem comes when I complain. God forbid I ever, ever, voice anything that she can remotely consider as offensive. If so, she tells me how ungrateful or horrible I am, and instead of allowing me to explain myself or talk rationally about the issue, she'll leave the room and we usually won't talk for days. And of course, after a few days I'm ALWAYS the one to come waving the white flag. At which point she demands an apology followed by her verbal condemnation about how wrong I was. If I do attempt to explain my point of view in a rational manner, we get sucked into this cycle of arguing, and eventually the "silent treatment" will reset and we'll be back to square one. 

I am on the verge of considering this to be some type of abuse. I don't deserve this. When her and I are getting along, it's the greatest thing on Earth, but I have to constantly monitor what I want to say in fear of her finding fault in it and "punishing" me with avoidance and silence.

She has resorted to this behavior since our beginning (5 years ago), and I have always tried to explain to her how horrible it is. This past Friday I came home from work. My plans were to take her to a museum on Saturday. I've had to work a lot recently, and all I was looking forward to was spending this weekend with her. 

Well, for the past couple months I have been doing the laundry. I don't care. It's not a big deal to me. Anyway, she decided to clean the apartment and do the laundry, but she did not put the clothes away because she said she got too tired. We usually clean about every 2 weeks together, but she's on her summer break from grad school. Anyway, so now there's a giant pile of somewhat damp and very wrinkled clothes on the bed. And as nice and cool and friendly and unconfrontational as I possibly could say it, as we were sitting on the couch later that evening I simply said something like... "Hey, how about if either of us decides to do the laundry, we also put it away too because everything's all wrinkled." And I went on to explain how I usually do it on Saturday morning, and she didn't have to worry about it, blah blah blah. And of course, it was all downhill from then.

Now, was that right? Was that wrong? Either way, it's not my point. I GUARANTEE you that if the tables were turned, she would have complained like hell, but at least I would have afforded her the decency of listening and understanding her concerns. And, we would have continued with a fantastic evening. 

I don't think it's fair to live with this idea of "perfection". We all have our good and bad days. We all have our reasons. It's not about whether or not your spouse says something you don't like, but rather, how do you choose to respond and solve the issue. At some point, we all say things that offend the other, whether intentional or accidental. I'm just at some breaking point because - how can I expect to live the rest of my life with someone who behaves like this? How are we supposed to learn and grow together if this is the way SHE responds to problems? This is insane. It's absolutely sick that every time she hears something she doesn't approve of, she insults me and marches off for a multi-day silent treatment. 

I have read a few articles online about how to act in these situations. And in the past month or 2, when we have engaged in this destructive behavior, I have swallowed my pride, approached her, apologized, and took blame for whatever it was I said wrong. However, I'm now at the point where I think that is NOT the right approach. I think it only rewards bad behavior. I think in a certain way, she's highly immature and reverts into some rebellious teenager when she's offended. I think the more I give in, the more it rewards that sick behavior.

So the question is, now what? It's Sunday evening. We haven't talked since she marched off on Friday evening. As before, this will probably drag into Monday and Tuesday. What in the hell do I do? It's so stressful living like this. I just want to get along and be happy together. Life is too damn short. 

I'm really starting to feel like marriage is complete and utter BS. Look at all the miserable people out there.


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## sprinter (Jul 25, 2011)

She sounds like a passive aggressive. Oddly put because she's actually overt about it. She's doing all of this because you let it go on. You can't see that, so don't take that wrong. But by trying to get along and just avoid the fighting you're enabling her. She needs a wake up call. You might try counseling. Tell her you scheduled a session and want her there. Tell her you love her but if she doesn't get a handle on her anger you will have to decide what you want to do. You have to grab the bull by the horns and she needs to know she's risking your relationship.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

BrokenFlowers, this is not much help at all, but personally I would leave a spouse over this sort of behavior. I dispise the Silent Treatment, it is one thing me & my husband has never done to each other, I think the longest a fight has lasted for us was "overnight". I hated that with a passion. 

I can only imagine how utterly frustrating this must be. I agree with you, always sucking up to her and putting yourself down when it is not your fault -just to appease her so another silent treatment session is avoided, this is only rewarding her.

I think you need to be direct and tell your wife -you and her need to go to marraige counceling -for Communication. You no longer want or are able to live like THIS anymore. You are right, life is too short. 

At least pick up a book on Communication & have her agree to read it with you.. 

Amazon.com: We Can Work It Out: How to Solve Conflicts, Save Your Marriage (Perigee) (9780399521379): C. Notarius, Howard Markman: Books


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## brokenFlowers (Aug 21, 2011)

sprinter said:


> She sounds like a passive aggressive. Oddly put because she's actually overt about it. She's doing all of this because you let it go on. You can't see that, so don't take that wrong. But by trying to get along and just avoid the fighting you're enabling her. She needs a wake up call. You might try counseling. Tell her you scheduled a session and want her there. Tell her you love her but if she doesn't get a handle on her anger you will have to decide what you want to do. You have to grab the bull by the horns and she needs to know she's risking your relationship.


I'm amazed at how much sense that makes. I really appreciate the reply. I always felt like I was enabling her behavior, but I just want to get along. That's all I want.

I have suggested counseling (last month in fact when the same thing happened). She was borderline offended that I suggested such a thing, and said she would never go. 

All of this is absolutely insane. We could be getting along perfectly, and then out of no where - the next few days are ruined for something that could have been resolved in 5 minutes. It's insane.

What would you do? Go ahead and schedule counseling and show up whether she does or not?


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

BrokenFlowers,

Run, don't walk, to the Men's Forum and read the sticky on the top of the forum.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html


I don't know what kind of articles you read, but for your own sake STOP APOLOGIZING to your wife for your wife's own bad behavior.

You are killing her respect for you.

If you need marriage counselling (sounds like you do), then yes, schedule it yourself, tell your wife when and where is the apppointment, and go yourself either with or without her.

I wish you well.


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## brokenFlowers (Aug 21, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> BrokenFlowers, this is not much help at all, but personally I would leave a spouse over this sort of behavior. I dispise the Silent Treatment, it is one thing me & my husband has never done to each other, I think the longest a fight has lasted for us was "overnight". I hated that with a passion.
> 
> I can only imagine how utterly frustrating this must be. I agree with you, always sucking up to her and putting yourself down when it is not your fault -just to appease her so another silent treatment session is avoided, this is only rewarding her.
> 
> ...


It's actually quite emotional that someone else "out there" understands how frustrating this is. I envy your marriage in that you and your husband maintain a dialog to attempt to resolve problems. I can't imagine how helpful that must be. 

I'm not sure what to do at this point: Recommend the book or book myself a marriage counselor. Although, she has stated that she'll never go see a counselor. I think she's very insecure and seeing a counselor is like a sign of weakness or something. Her attitude is - if you have to see a counselor, you shouldn't be together anyway.


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## brokenFlowers (Aug 21, 2011)

BigBadWolf said:


> BrokenFlowers,
> 
> Run, don't walk, to the Men's Forum and read the sticky on the top of the forum.
> 
> ...


Ok Wolf... being a former Tom Leykis listener of years past, I like what I'm reading over there. It's just sad things have come to this. WTF.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

brokenFlowers said:


> I'm not sure what to do at this point: Recommend the book or book myself a marriage counselor. Although, she has stated that she'll never go see a counselor. I think she's very insecure and seeing a counselor is like a sign of weakness or something. Her attitude is - if you have to see a counselor, you shouldn't be together anyway.


You may have to risk LOOSING her to regain your marraige, do not be afraid to say "I HAVE HAD ENOUGH, HEAR ME now, or risk loosing this marriage". Period . No More Mr. Nice Guy. You are the man, you see a NEED, you are taking steps to fix a severe problem. Remaining in a miserable marraige is NOT living. 

People who go on like this are creating a Grand Canyon gulf betweeen them, next some woman at work may warm up to you , you will find yourself pouring your heart out to her over your lonliness at home, listening to your sorrows and you may fall into an affair. 

Book a counselor, visit the Men's Clubhouse, here is another book to take control of your manhood and not allow your woman to reduce you to a door mat. I am the wife, I have this book -it is wonderful. Amazon.com: No More Mr. Nice Guy! (9780762415335): Robert A. Glover: Books

My husband was too much of a Nice Guy too, funny me buying the book so I can teach him to overrule me. Ha ha I am pretty reasonable to live with, I like a little conflict, my husband was more of the avoider , now that I am on to that, he won't ever get away with that again. I want his assertiveness, it IS more attracting to have your man stand up for himself, even if we don't like it. We often NEED it !


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## brokenFlowers (Aug 21, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> You may have to risk LOOSING her to regain your marraige, do not be afraid to say "I HAVE HAD ENOUGH, HEAR ME now, or risk loosing this marriage". Period . No More Mr. Nice Guy. You are the man, you see a NEED, you are taking steps to fix a severe problem. Remaining in a miserable marraige is NOT living.
> 
> People who go on like this are creating a Grand Canyon gulf betweeen them, next some woman at work may warm up to you , you will find yourself pouring your heart out to her over your lonliness at home, listening to your sorrows and you may fall into an affair.
> 
> ...


This is what confuses me. From the sound of it, I need to be more "assertive" (aka "confrontational"). But if that's really true, what's the point? If two people really do care about each other, want the best, want to drop the BS and just get along and enjoy each other's company, then why must we have to resort to things like "putting your foot down"? Do you see my point? 

I held out a long time before getting married. Sure, I had some long relationships in my past (8 and 3 years), but I didn't "tie the knot" until I was 36. Before I had met my wife and I was single, I don't think it's possible I could have lived a more happy and DRAMA-FREE life. It was just too damn easy. Simple. But now, everything is F'n complicated. Everything is a struggle. Everything is a sacrifice. Everything is a compromise. And after it's all done - I'm someone's doormat. What the hell is wrong with people? 

I look around and see all these absolutely MISERABLE married couples. I mean, what the hell is wrong with this picture? Is the problem really me? Is the problem really my wife? Or, is the problem this stupid-ass, completely unnatural idea of "marriage"? What's the point? Is it because we're incapable of finding happiness alone? Is it fear? Whatever it is, I'm really starting to feel like all of the BS isn't worth the payoff because I don't see a payoff.

Marriage has redefined the words 'anger' and 'frustration' and 'heartache'. I'm now contemplating things like books, and counselors, and assertiveness. But under it all, I'm still asking myself, WTF? What is so freaking hard about being mature, being responsible, and getting along? Does it really have to be that difficult???

It makes my head spin. It's like some people consciously choose to be unhappy. What amazes me.... what truly truly amazes me to no end is people who get married more than once. My God... I can't even comprehend that. Why would anyone volunteer for this nightmare more than once? I'm not the type of person to get assertive. I'm the type of person to smile every day, try as hard as I can, and then wake up one day and say "done". 

It just sucks when you care and love (whatever the hell that means anymore) someone like crazy, and you have to let them go because of their selfish immaturity. And you know... you know.... they'll finally snap out of it some day when it's too late and you can't go back. It's brutally unfair.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Broken,
The reason she acts this way is that you are always the one to make up. If you want your marriage to have a chance of surviving that can't continue. You need to learn to detach and then avoid her company until she comes to you. 



OTE=brokenFlowers;402688]This is what confuses me. From the sound of it, I need to be more "assertive" (aka "confrontational"). But if that's really true, what's the point? If two people really do care about each other, want the best, want to drop the BS and just get along and enjoy each other's company, then why must we have to resort to things like "putting your foot down"? Do you see my point? 

I held out a long time before getting married. Sure, I had some long relationships in my past (8 and 3 years), but I didn't "tie the knot" until I was 36. Before I had met my wife and I was single, I don't think it's possible I could have lived a more happy and DRAMA-FREE life. It was just too damn easy. Simple. But now, everything is F'n complicated. Everything is a struggle. Everything is a sacrifice. Everything is a compromise. And after it's all done - I'm someone's doormat. What the hell is wrong with people? 

I look around and see all these absolutely MISERABLE married couples. I mean, what the hell is wrong with this picture? Is the problem really me? Is the problem really my wife? Or, is the problem this stupid-ass, completely unnatural idea of "marriage"? What's the point? Is it because we're incapable of finding happiness alone? Is it fear? Whatever it is, I'm really starting to feel like all of the BS isn't worth the payoff because I don't see a payoff.

Marriage has redefined the words 'anger' and 'frustration' and 'heartache'. I'm now contemplating things like books, and counselors, and assertiveness. But under it all, I'm still asking myself, WTF? What is so freaking hard about being mature, being responsible, and getting along? Does it really have to be that difficult???

It makes my head spin. It's like some people consciously choose to be unhappy. What amazes me.... what truly truly amazes me to no end is people who get married more than once. My God... I can't even comprehend that. Why would anyone volunteer for this nightmare more than once? I'm not the type of person to get assertive. I'm the type of person to smile every day, try as hard as I can, and then wake up one day and say "done". 

It just sucks when you care and love (whatever the hell that means anymore) someone like crazy, and you have to let them go because of their selfish immaturity. And you know... you know.... they'll finally snap out of it some day when it's too late and you can't go back. It's brutally unfair.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

brokenFlowers said:


> This is what confuses me. From the sound of it, I need to be more "assertive" (aka "confrontational").


There is a *crucial* difference between being confrontational, which encompasses such unacceptable behaviors as pointing one's finger in another person's face, shouting someone down, and acting like a bully.

Assertion is when one is self-confidently able to draw boundaries and enforce them; remaining calm and having the ability to walk away if the other party starts losing control.

In a perfect world, this would happen all the time. But this isn't a perfect world. There are no perfect marriages. There are no perfect people.

You mentioned that your wife has been like this from the get-go. I assume she behaved this way and gave you "the treatment" prior to your marriage. So, to some extent, you had an idea of what you were getting yourself into. That being said, it sounds like you have reached your saturation point. She gets away with this because you allow it. 

Get into counseling. Set boundaries. Let her live with the consequences. My ex gave me the silent treatment as a form of punishing me whenever he didn't like something I said or did. Often, I had no clue what I actually did because any discussions were off the table. I finally reciprocated and gave him the PERMANENT silent treatment. I filed for divorce.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

brokenFlowers said:


> It makes my head spin. It's like some people consciously choose to be unhappy. What amazes me.... what truly truly amazes me to no end is people who get married more than once. My God... I can't even comprehend that. Why would anyone volunteer for this nightmare more than once? I'm not the type of person to get assertive. I'm the type of person to smile every day, try as hard as I can, and then wake up one day and say "done".
> 
> It just sucks when you care and love (whatever the hell that means anymore) someone like crazy, and you have to let them go because of their selfish immaturity. And you know... you know.... they'll finally snap out of it some day when it's too late and you can't go back. It's brutally unfair.


This is all water under the bridge now -since you are in this mess and clearly it sounds like your wife has real issues that need dealt with (to me) but how long did you date before you marreid her ? 

Anytime I hear of a new couple and they are ready to get hitched -quickly, a matter or months or so, seriously, one of the 1st things I ask is -- have you had a GOOD knock down dragged out fight/brawl yet ? If they haven't , I say they don't know each other near well enough, they need to KNOW , having experienced CONFLICT from many sides and how they handle communication. --it is MAJOR-- MAJOR --- MAJOR !!! 

Sex , Communication and Finances, these are the top 3 Killers of happiness in marraige. 

Was there no warning signals before you marreid her? 

Yes, it is a shame to have to resort to these things. One person being the Better more compliant -willing to listen, willing to compromise partner - it is reduced to nothing but dirt slipping through your hands - if the other is selfish, has narcissistic tendencies, offened by every word & addicted to the Silent treatment. That is IMPOSSIBLE to deal with. She has tied your hands. 

That is why she needs broken -or left. 

I am not one who feels you should stay in a miserable marraige, Life is too short, find someone compatable. If being alone is more inviting, after many steps taken - sound advice offered, prayer, counseling -and she doesn't budge, is time to get the hell out, as there is nothing left to work with. 

It really is all about *Boundaries *-what we can and are willing to live with-with another human being , everyone has *Deal Breakers*. Many of our lists are longer than just physical abuse & infidelity. This is like a mental abuse. 

More books, sorry it is a habit: I have always been an avid reader of communication and Boundaries books, I am capable of being a pretty selfish little scoundral if I let myself be, but learning through the years how to best get along with others & enriching my marraige -it is only to benefit myself and everyone in my life. Books have always enlightened me, set me on the right path. 

Amazon.com: Boundaries in Marriage (9780310221517): Henry Cloud, John Townsend: Books

Amazon.com: Deal Breakers: When to Work On a Relationship and When to Walk Away (9781416961062): Dr. Bethany Marshall: Books


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## Kevan (Mar 28, 2011)

brokenFlowers said:


> I'm not the type of person to get assertive. I'm the type of person to smile every day, try as hard as I can, and then wake up one day and say "done"....It's brutally unfair.


brokenFlowers, I totally understand. I am also by nature a conflict-avoidant person. One of the things I've realized with the help of this forum is that I married a woman who _needs_ a certain amount of conflict, and who _needs_ me to stay strong during that conflict. (This may mean not being swayed by all her arguments without losing my cool. It may also mean allowing myself to be persuaded--but ONLY on my own terms, while also making clear that her methods of persuasion are inappropriate and will not be tolerated.) What BBW and SimplyAmorous are telling you is true. MEM11363 is also a great resource in helping with this stuff.



brokenFlowers said:


> I think in a certain way, she's highly immature and reverts into some rebellious teenager when she's offended.


I know, it's flabbergasting, isn't it? You marry this person, on one level, because you admire her...then this.

A strong, competent woman acts like a teenager for the same reason a teenager acts like a teenager. She needs someone stronger to push against. And if she doesn't see that man, she'll try to bring that man out.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

brokenFlowers, try and discover if your wife is truly a PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE. Research the term.

Picture this scenario. (I’ve made the assumption you had told your wife you want to spend the weekend with her and visit the museum). Your wife didn’t want to go to the museum with you and she didn’t want to spend the weekend with you. Plus she wanted to hurt you by preventing you doing things you’d enjoy. And that’s the reason she left the damp washing on the bed. It was all thought out. All premeditated and planned. She knew it would start an argument and she knew exactly which way that argument would go and what the consequences would be. That is the type of thing that PASSIVE AGGRESSIVES do.

Again, assuming your wife is a PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE she will not go to marriage counselling. The reason for this is that PASSIVE AGGRESSIVES are extremely afraid/concerned that the counsellor will see right through them. It’s the same if anyone else is there in the room with you while she is being the PA. That other person, as an uninvolved, unemotional OBSERVER would see that your wife is pushing your buttons and that you are responding. That observer/counsellor will see things that are at the moment invisible to you.

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVES think in ways that you and I can never comprehend. That’s why we can’t “make them out”. Also, because we can’t make them out it’s like our mind is being f*cked. It’s like we are going crazy. There we are with a person who professes to love us but they are seeking revenge for something in the past and stabbing us in the back. Sometimes they will stab in the back for no reason whatsoever. And it will not matter a jolt, nada, zilch, zero about how kind, loving, supporting, helpful etc. you have been to her.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

AFEH said:


> brokenFlowers, try and discover if your wife is truly a PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE. Research the term.
> 
> Picture this scenario. (I’ve made the assumption you had told your wife you want to spend the weekend with her and visit the museum). Your wife didn’t want to go to the museum with you and she didn’t want to spend the weekend with you. Plus she wanted to hurt you by preventing you doing things you’d enjoy. And that’s the reason she left the damp washing on the bed. It was all thought out. All premeditated and planned. She knew it would start an argument and she knew exactly which way that argument would go and what the consequences would be. That is the type of thing that PASSIVE AGGRESSIVES do.
> 
> ...


 Do all passive aggressive people do the same thing?

I hate the silent treatment. I would rather have a disagreement and make up at the end. 

I also hate fighting and would rather just discuss things even if we don't agree.

Good luck OP.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

To understand a PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE in a marriage, all you need do is imagine that your wife or husband has deliberately and consciously and in a planned and premeditated way set out to hurt you, set out to cause you pain. That’s what they want to do, they want to hurt you and cause you pain. They sit down in a quite time and think “How can I cause him/her pain”. And then they make and carry out their plans. It is exceedingly cunning and exceedingly manipulative. And they do these things at the same time they are taking from you the things you provide, safety, comfort, security or whatever and at the same time as they are sharing your bed. I actually think PA is exceedingly cowardly and evil.

But. But they don’t want you to know that that is what they are doing. They don’t want you to even know that it is them that is causing you the pain. As I say, their motivations are really and truly weird, totally and utterly screwed up.

But there’s something else with the PA. They think everyone else is just like them! They think that their “way of being” is normal. So when they get hurt they think the other person has hurt them in a deliberate and premeditated way. Which of course makes the PA a paranoid/deluded person.

They never “confront” and resolve issues. They stonewall, blame shift, deny. So they never live in a “shared reality” and so remain paranoid and deluded for most of their lives.


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## brokenFlowers (Aug 21, 2011)

AFEH said:


> To understand a PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE in a marriage, all you need do is imagine that your wife or husband has deliberately and consciously and in a planned and premeditated way set out to hurt you, set out to cause you pain. That’s what they want to do, they want to hurt you and cause you pain. They sit down in a quite time and think “How can I cause him/her pain”. And then they make and carry out their plans. It is exceedingly cunning and exceedingly manipulative. And they do these things at the same time they are taking from you the things you provide, safety, comfort, security or whatever and at the same time as they are sharing your bed. I actually think PA is exceedingly cowardly and evil.
> 
> But. But they don’t want you to know that that is what they are doing. They don’t want you to even know that it is them that is causing you the pain. As I say, their motivations are really and truly weird, totally and utterly screwed up.
> 
> ...


Wow. That's so scary, and it's so familiar. My wife DOES live in this strange/parnoid reality where people say things to hurt her or piss her off ALL THE TIME. I've found it so bizarre at times and I've always tried to explain to her it wasn't the case. And of course, she acts this way towards me on occassion. One day I was running out the door for work and set my bag on the couch. What I didn't know was that a thermos in my bag was leaking, which bled through my bag on to the couch. So, I pick up my bag and head out out the door. End of story.

Hours later I get a very mean phone call about how I tried to "hide" the stain on the couch. WTF??? And at this point, I still had not realized what the problem was, so I was completely lost. And all along, she was playing this "I can't believe you spilled something on the couch and tried to hide it from me" crap. It's really bizarre.

I'm so glad people are sharing their experience. I never thought about her being PA, but now everything is making sense, and it's helping me to see things differently.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Read the book called Awareness (Anthony de Mello). He teaches you how to be the EMOTIONALLY DETACHED OBSERVER of your own life. All you do is OBSERVE while at the same time interacting with your wife. By what you’ve written you are pretty good anyway at observing, of being AWARE. Anthony de Mello will help move you along to master class.

It’s really quite strange. He teaches that through observing and being aware change in us happens without even trying to change. It is true, I have experienced it. Plus something else happens. Others around us notice our changes and they change their attitude towards us as well.

Right now you’ve lots to consider as far as your wife is concerned. The book Awareness will help you with further understanding. I’m guessing that because of the way your wife behaves, you are a codependent. Maybe buy a book or two on codependency and see if you fit the bill.


Unfortunately Passive Aggressive is “childhood stuff”. It’s the way they were brought up and the way they learnt to protect their ego. It is a weird form of an ego defence mechanism. Plus they get satisfaction from hurting another person. Even a person they say they love. And they do not believe in forgiveness. They will never ever forgive. They don’t seek counselling or any form of “cure”.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Broken,

Your wife is an unhappy person and she takes it out on you. 

I'd venture to say you are being emotionally abused. 

The withdrawing from you, prolonged silent treatments after not getting her way, the double standards, the random outbursts, paranoia, treating you with contempt, the entitlement, the never apologizing -- all hallmarks of an emotional abuser. 

I empathize with you so much as I was in your exact situation. Your wife sounds like my ex-husband. People who haven't experienced being in this type of relationship have zero clue as to how maddening and frustrating it is. I would literally cry myself to sleep. 

I'm not surprised she doesn't want to go to marriage counselling with you --most people like her don't. She either thinks nothing is wrong with her behavior and/or knows the counselor will point out her faults and she can't deal with that at all/refuses to accept she's ever wrong. These types of people lose their sh-t completely when they are called out on any bad behavior or any sort of thing that disagrees with them.

I agree with the posters telling you that you need to stop raising the white flag, stop apologizing to her first and bending in order to keep the peace with her. You're tolerating her bad behavior so she can continue like this. She feels entitled and like she has nothing to be accountable for because you make it easy for her.

Stop making it easy for her. Don't give in and don't waiver this time by apologizing. You did nothing wrong. Don't say "sorry." Get busy, hit the gym, meet a friend for lunch/dinner. Eventually she'll ask what your deal is and you can tell her that you are just living life and realize you rather be happy than upset. 

Emotional abusers rarely, if ever, change. They have to go through something traumatic in order for them to see what they're doing is wrong or they need to realize for themselves that their behavior is wrong and unacceptable. Most never get to that point at all. It's said that they have to spend a significant amount of time in therapy before they see what they begin to see progress. And they first have to admit that they have a problem and then commit to stopping their abusive behavior. Unfortunately, that rarely, if ever, happens. 

Like you pointed out--she is great when you are doing things the way she likes, but the moment you show a difference of opinion, she completely loses it. Totally unfair and not productive for any relationship, especially a marriage. My bet is you're constantly walking on eggshells. That is no way to live. 

The silent treatment--is something that is so disgustingly abusive when used in a habitual pattern. My heart breaks for you. I have been you and there was nothing that my ex husband did that killed my spirit more than this. When used in a pattern, one feels ostracized, insignificant, like a ghost in their own home, as if they don't matter. My ex would do it in cycles and I even had it down to a time/pattern as to when it would begin/end. One can feel like they are going totally mad when at the receiving end of this type of behavior. The people who use this habitually against their partner do it as a form of control, to punish, to invalidate the other person. My ex cheated on me and while that hurt me to my core, I still remember telling him that nothing that he ever did to me hurt me more than him completely stonewalling and blanking me. There were days I wouldn't want to come home from work and would delay coming home because it was so depressing. I didn't want to be at home where I was being ignored. He sometimes could be perfectly kind in the morning and get home from work and I'd say "Hi" and he'd walk right past me and not say a word--for days. Then start talking like nothing mattered. When I called him out on it, he'd tell me I could leave if I didn't like the way things were. It's infuriating to experience this and totally sick. The last time he did the silent treatment, it lasted 1 1/2 month before I moved out. 

Silence kills marriages. Google "Sulkers in a marriage." I am sad to say that they rarely, if ever, change. It's something deeply-seeded inside of them. It's inherent, like it's in their blood, them behaving this way and treating others this way. 

You could make a MC appointment and invite her. If she doesn't go, go alone. Either she steps up to the plate to improve things in your marriage or she won't and will risk losing you. You deserve to be in a relationship with someone who puts forth the same amount of effort you do into it, that listens to you and cares about your feelings, that doesn't blank you.

Sit her down and tell her how this behavior is having an adverse effect on your marriage and you believe it's down to the wire time--that you are becoming increasingly unhappy with the status quo. Mean it. And then do something about it.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

brokenFlowers said:


> And all along, she was playing this "I can't believe you spilled something on the couch and tried to hide it from me" crap. It's really bizarre.


That’s projection. She is projecting onto you the way she would have responded had she been in your shoes. That is, she would have hidden it from you.

Think SIX YEAR OLD CHILD’S EGO DEFENCE MECHANISMS. They probably fit your wife’s ego defence mechanisms. Take a look at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/28845-defence-mechanisms-manning-up.html.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

brokenFlowers said:


> Ok Wolf... being a former Tom Leykis listener of years past, I like what I'm reading over there. It's just sad things have come to this. WTF.


Flowers,

Many here have tread the path you are on.

It's likely very fixable.

Stay with every link in the sticky thread.

Post any questions you have.

Time to man-up brother.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Some links that you may find helpful:

The Silent Treatment - A severe form of abuse

The Emotionally Abusive Woman: You Cannot Reason with a Crazy Person | MND: Your Daily Dose of Counter-Theory

This Is A War - ABUSE


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Flowers,
> 
> Many here have tread the path you are on.
> 
> It's likely very fixable.


He can certainly adjust his behavior so he's not placating her but she has to fix things on her end as well. One person alone cannot "fix" a marriage. He can "man up" all he wants but if she doens't stop her detrimental behavior, all the "manning up" in the world, short of leaving her, isn't going to do a damn thing.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> He can certainly adjust his behavior so he's not placating her but she has to fix things on her end as well. One person alone cannot "fix" a marriage. He can "man up" all he wants but if she doens't stop her detrimental behavior, all the "manning up" in the world, short of leaving her, isn't going to do a damn thing.


Absolutely.

There is a “test” brokenFlowers can do. That is to ask his wife to go for a psychological analysis. A sane, rational person who is in love with and concerned for their spouse will go. Most sane people want to see just how sane they are! If his wife does have a Personality Disorder it is extremely unlikely that she will go.

Plus if brokenFlowers wife does have a Personality Disorder (PD) it will not matter a jot how much manning up he does, she will never ever change. The number one thing to do with abusive people with a PD is to be INTOLERANT OF THEIR ABUSIVE BEHAVIOUR.

Everything else is just being a codependent to the person with the PD and nothing ever changes.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

AFEH said:


> Most sane people want to see just how sane they are!


This made me :rofl:

Even if she doesn't get the test, her actions/behavior will show where her true intentions for her marriage lie. If she refuses to give an inch and hear him out and put forth the effort to resolve genuine concerns he has with him, then no dice. 
Uptown is always posting about BPD and PDs in the same threads I post about the spouse w/ the bad behavior being emotionally abusive. I firmly believe emotional abusers (well, all abusers) have something inherent in them that causes them to be this way and Uptown has really gotten me thinking that maybe it is a PD they have. A lot of folks will say it's a "character" or "personality" issue and I have to agree. There was an self-professed emotionally abusive man on here once who said he understood completely why his wife left him due to his treatment, that he believed it was something 'within' him that led him to being emotionally abusive, that he'd tried to correct it on his own and made great strides but it was always there, seething in the background. Pretty eye-opening.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I’m of the mind that we all have a little of the narcissist in us, a little of the passive aggressive, a little of the active aggressive, a little of the bipolar, the borderline etc. etc. From Awareness “I’m an ass, you’re an ass!”.

Most of these PDs are ego defence mechanisms that are dysfunctional. And they are dysfunctional because of bad parental teaching/lessons/examples from when they were a child. So it’s all based on our emotions and how these are handled by our ego.

It’s seriously deep stuff, patterns and images from childhood in the deepest parts of the adult ego. Typically the only time people change is when their world goes very very wrong and when they are in a great deal of pain. It takes that pain to move them towards change. But even then some don’t change no matter what’s happened to them in their life. And these are the people who do not accept responsibility for their own behaviour and therefore their own life. It is always somebody else’s fault because they are perfect in every way.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

AFEH said:


> Typically the only time people change is when their world goes very very wrong and when they are in a great deal of pain. It takes that pain to move them towards change. But even then some don’t change no matter what’s happened to them in their life. And these are the people who do not accept responsibility for their own behaviour and therefore their own life. It is always somebody else’s fault because they are perfect in every way.


Spot on. If the OP's wife is the latter, then nothing he does or tries is going to make a difference. People who won't accept they are flawed feel they have nothing to work on.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

AFEH said:


> Absolutely.
> 
> Most sane people want to see just how sane they are!


This made me laugh too :rofl: I must be pretty darn sane, cause I LOVE taking psychological tests and evaluating myself, kind of a sickness I have. I also think we are all a little warped, selfish, a little bi-polar, a little narcissist -all that crazy stuff, we just all need the skills to recognize it is there, how to rid ourselves of it, & in our stressful moments, keep ourselves in check, so we stay within our own relational boundaries , not running over those in our lives & destroying ourselves in the process. 

I once gave my husband an online personality disorder test and he came almost borderline to a Schizoid, that was pretty weird, he is not of coarse. 

I have this book on my shelf called "Emotional Vampires- Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry ". All kinds out there. It is what makes the world so hard to live in. If they could only recognize themselves 1st & get help - what a breath of frest air for all of us. 



I have this book too... Amazon.com: High-Maintenance Relationships (9780842313148): Les Parrott: Books


Here is the chapters: We can all think of someone, maybe even ourselves as we read some of these off..... 


*The Critic *- constantly complains & give unwanted advice

*The Martyr *- forever the victim & wracked wtih self pity

*The Wet Blanket *- pessimistic & automatically neagative

*The Steamroller *- blindly insensitive to others

*The Gossip*- spreads rumors & leaks secrets 

*The Control Freak *- unable to let go and let be

*The Backstabber *- irrepressibly two-faced

*The Cold Shoulder *- diengages & avoids contact

*The Green Eyed Monster *- seethes with envy

*The Volcano *- builds steam and is ready to erupt 

*The Sponge *- constantly in need but gives nothing back

*The Competitor*- keeps track of tit for tat

*The Workhorse *- always pushes & is never satisfied 

*The Flirt *- imparts innuendoes , which may border on harassment

*The Chameleon *- eager to please and avoids Conflict


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Sounds exactly like my house - only difference - husband walks away from me.

No doubt he's passive-aggressive. Won't admit it outloud, but think he realizes it.

I just quit reacting and deal with it. If he wants to walk away and clam up and act like a 2 year old - then let him - I have better things to do.

Life is too short...


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