# Husband's friends advising him to divorce me?



## Samantha86 (Apr 8, 2014)

My husband and I have been going through a rough patch. A few weeks ago, during the midst of a discussion about the state of our marriage, I told him that I felt that we should try to spend more quality time together in order to try and get our relationship back on the right track. He asked me what resources I had consulted that led me to that suggestion (because it is the exact opposite of what he feels will help), and I said, "My therapist, the self-help books I've been reading, and my friends." 

He then shot back with, "Well, my friends all tell me to leave you."

When I asked him for details, he backtracked and said that they knew he was unhappy and have told him that they want him to be happy, with or without me. But, my husband has an (admitted) history of dishonesty with me, especially when he thinks the truth will upset me, so I'm not sure if I believe him. 

When I asked him why his friends say that, he said it's because "all we do is fight." I find this interesting, because we really don't socialize much as a couple anymore and there is no one who spends enough time with us together who would be able to have any sort of objective observations about the state of our marriage. I assume that my husband perceives that we fight a lot, relays this to his friends without taking ownership of any of the reasons that we fight, and naturally they take his side. 

I asked him who these friends are (because in my mind, they are no friends of our marriage) but he refused to tell me. The more I think about it, the more this bothers me. I feel like he is protecting their privacy/secrecy, while he had no problem sharing the intimate details of our marriage with them. 

Am I overreacting? Should I just let it go? For the record, he doesn't want to divorce me, we are in counseling, and I think our relationship is moving in the right direction.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

In general, most friends will go with the wind, and tell you what they think you want to hear. If he spent all his time whining to them about how awful you were, of course they're going to tell him to get divorced. It takes a really really good (and strong) friend to give you good advice. 

So for the most part, I wouldn't blame the friends, unless they were actively working at blowing up the marriage. Trying to set him up on dates, etc. But maybe that's just me. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

The problem here is really your husband complaining about you to "all his friends" and leaning on what they say instead of thinking for himself.

I find that kind of behavior really wormy. I get that every now and then we need to have a talk maybe with ONE trusted friend about marital problems, but to go around surveying people and then throw the results back at your partner is low. Maybe you should ask him why he doesn't have enough backbone to decide for himself what he wants -- his friends aren't the ones who have to be in the marriage.


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

Interesting being with my friends all of them have happy content lives based on how and where they grew up and see no reason why I and my wife shouldn't be happy as well given our present life standings and situations. 

Now on the other hand my wifes friends almost all feel that someone should be doing something more than they are to make them happy and thus encourage her to ride my butt to do more to make her happy. 

A man who has reached a level of success that he can feel content with is lazy but woman who feels that nothing is good enough is driven? :scratchhead:


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Your husband has been venting to his friends, so they are just trying to be sympathetic.

Discuss this issue in your counseling sessions if it bothers you. But you might have bigger fish to fry in counseling. A lot of people DO vent to their friends when they have problems and feel bad, and I don't think that's unnatural even if it might not sit well with you.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Men and women get echoes of what they are saying. Few friends have opinions, unless know you both. Don't sweat it. If your marriage improves, they will tell him was smart in setting things straight. If he says you nicer, they will say you were always pretty nice
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## damagedgoods1 (Nov 8, 2013)

norajane said:


> Discuss this issue in your counseling sessions if it bothers you.


I agree with norajane's statement above. Bring this up in counseling and come to an agreement about what information each of you can share with your friends & family about your marriage. 

There are some intimate details about your marriage / your husband/ your wife that should not be shared outside the marriage (except with a good marriage counselor). 
This is a 2-way street, it is counterproductive if both of you go to your individual friends to vent about your spouse.

Personally, I draw the line at how much information about my marriage I will share with a friend/family member, because frankly, most of it is none of their business.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

OP, do you think he might just be lying about the friends? 

Do his friends really care how his marriage is going? Or do they just do fun things with him, hear him complaining, and just kinda/sorta listen, and maybe validate whatever he says?

I am surprised you can put up with the dishonesty, though. I don't think I could trust my husband if he had a history of dishonesty. Why do you want to be with him if he is dishonest?


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Samantha86 said:


> My husband and I have been going through a rough patch. A few weeks ago, during the midst of a discussion about the state of our marriage, I told him that I felt that we should try to spend more quality time together in order to try and get our relationship back on the right track. He asked me what resources I had consulted that led me to that suggestion (because it is the exact opposite of what he feels will help), and I said, "My therapist, the self-help books I've been reading, and my friends."
> 
> He then shot back with, "Well, my friends all tell me to leave you."
> 
> ...


JUST my opinion ... take it for what you want to... this feels like a very passive aggressive way of telling you NO, he doesn't want to. This would make me want to do the 180 on him. Anytime someone uses guilt to steer a relationship they are engaging emotional blackmail and that is not a kind intent. 

Pull back, be kind to yourself whether y'alls problems are partially caused by you or not... consider the 180.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> JUST my opinion ... take it for what you want to... this feels like a very passive aggressive way of telling you NO, he doesn't want to. This would make me want to do the 180 on him. Anytime someone uses guilt to steer a relationship they are engaging emotional blackmail and that is not a kind intent.
> 
> Pull back, be kind to yourself whether y'alls problems are partially caused by you or not... consider the 180.


Wow that's cutting off your nose to spite your face. She said they are in counseling and moving in the right direction...doing the 180 would only undermine all that.

As to the friends thing I wouldn't put a lot of stock into that, true or untrue. When you tell anyone,friends or family, about the bad things happening in the marriage they are only getting the side of that one person. So by its nature it is bias and one sided. 

I think you should ask him to tell his friends that you are both in counseling and trying to work things out and ask him to leave it at that. I don't begrudge anyone venting, we all need to do it but it needs to be selective with friends and NEVER done with family.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

But she was suggesting positive ideas and he shut her down. My M.O. would to be not beg and focus on healthy space for me. You maybe right the 180 is extreme for her circumstances, but his NO sounded pretty loud to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Here is what I'm getting.



Samantha86 said:


> I told him that I felt that we should try to spend more quality time together in order to try and get our relationship back on the right track.
> 
> He asked me what resources I had consulted that led me to that suggestion (because it is the exact opposite of what he feels will help), and I said, "My therapist, the self-help books I've been reading, and my friends."


His time with you = 0 interest



Samantha86 said:


> He then shot back with, "Well, my friends all tell me to leave you."
> 
> When I asked him for details, he backtracked and said that they knew he was unhappy and have told him that they want him to be happy, with or without me. But, my husband has an (admitted) history of dishonesty with me, especially when he thinks the truth will upset me, so I'm not sure if I believe him.
> 
> ...


He badmouths you to his "friends"



Samantha86 said:


> Am I overreacting? Should I just let it go? For the record, he doesn't want to divorce me, we are in counseling, and I think our relationship is moving in the right direction.


I don't think so.

Get to the bottom of it, something is up!!!


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Samantha86 said:


> My husband and I have been going through a rough patch.


Join the club. 



Samantha said:


> (because it is the exact opposite of what he feels will help)


So he think separations is the way to get stronger? If so, he's wrong. But it's probably what he wants in order to feel more in control of his life. 



Samantha said:


> and I said, "My therapist, the self-help books I've been reading, and my friends."
> 
> He then shot back with, "Well, my friends all tell me to leave you."


He's just trying to regain his power in the relationship. He feels outnumbered and like his opinion does not carry weight, so he crowdsources it. 



Samantha said:


> When I asked him for details, he backtracked and said that they knew he was unhappy and have told him that they want him to be happy, with or without me.


Making your husband answer to you for his behaviour all the time will drive him away. See the following points.



Samantha said:


> But, my husband has an (admitted) history of dishonesty with me, especially when he thinks the truth will upset me, so I'm not sure if I believe him.


That sucks, but it is definitely the sign of someone who feels powerless in the relationship. He can't win through reason, so he lashes out with words. Why would he feel powerless? Do you wear the pants and make the decisions about the direction of your marriage? 



Samantha said:


> I assume that my husband perceives that we fight a lot, relays this to his friends without taking ownership of any of the reasons that we fight, and naturally they take his side.


Let it go. There are bigger issues. 



Samantha said:


> I asked him who these friends are (because in my mind, they are no friends of our marriage) but he refused to tell me. The more I think about it, the more this bothers me.


You seem quite analytical. And determined to find fault. If that's remotely true, it is not going to help your marriage, whether the faults are there or not. 



Samantha said:


> Am I overreacting? Should I just let it go? For the record, he doesn't want to divorce me, we are in counseling, and I think our relationship is moving in the right direction.


Yes, let it go. Start trusting him more, whether he deserves it or not. He'll most likely respond very favourably (eventually).


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I'm all for talking problems over with a trusted friend or two - who must also be a friend(s) of the marriage. I strongly disagree with slamming your spouse all over town...very uncool. I also feel that marital problems should never, ever be discussed with family.

If I were you, and my husband and I repaired our marriage, I'd be distancing myself from these "friends" of his.


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## Stevenj (Mar 26, 2014)

Its best to keep the problems in the marriage to keep it strong.


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## Samantha86 (Apr 8, 2014)

jld said:


> OP, do you think he might just be lying about the friends?
> 
> Do his friends really care how his marriage is going? Or do they just do fun things with him, hear him complaining, and just kinda/sorta listen, and maybe validate whatever he says?
> 
> I am surprised you can put up with the dishonesty, though. I don't think I could trust my husband if he had a history of dishonesty. Why do you want to be with him if he is dishonest?


I don't think he is lying about the friends. He is the type of person who maintains deep, lifelong male friendships, so yes, I think the people he's talked to are sincerely invested in his happiness and our marriage, to the extent that it affects his happiness. 

I definitely don't plan to put up with dishonesty, but it's only recently come to light that he's been dishonest with me, primarily about his feelings toward me (i.e., for a long time he pretended everything was fine even though he was still holding onto anger from past transgressions). He has chosen honesty as one of his primary responsibilities for repairing our marriage (as well as forgiveness). We've been married for over 10 years and have children together, so we want to make our marriage work, if possible.


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## Samantha86 (Apr 8, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> But she was suggesting positive ideas and he shut her down. My M.O. would to be not beg and focus on healthy space for me. You maybe right the 180 is extreme for her circumstances, but his NO sounded pretty loud to me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Just curious -- what do you think he is p/a saying no to? Quality time? Not separating/divorcing?

The reason he didn't respond favorably to my suggestion of more quality time is because he is afraid that time together will inevitably include more discussions about the state of our marriage, which make him anxious. I definitely take responsibility for my role in that, as I've been initiating the vast majority of those discussions and I agree that they are rarely productive.

At any rate, that particular conversation happened over month ago and, with help from the MC, we've made enjoying quality time our first joint goal. So, no, I won't be 180-ing him any time soon.


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## Samantha86 (Apr 8, 2014)

MSP said:


> So he think separations is the way to get stronger? If so, he's wrong. But it's probably what he wants in order to feel more in control of his life.


Not a separation per se, but some personal space and "time to heal," as he puts it. I agree that he probably feels powerless. 



MSP said:


> That sucks, but it is definitely the sign of someone who feels powerless in the relationship. He can't win through reason, so he lashes out with words. Why would he feel powerless? Do you wear the pants and make the decisions about the direction of your marriage?


I admit that I have difficultly yielding control, but I think I've relaxed a lot in the last 5 years or so. We don't make big decisions without each other's input, and I've not said no to any of his important requests (that I'm aware of). Right now, we are in gridlock over a few issues, but the status quo favors his position on all of them. I think the problem is that when we talk about these issues, he feels like I am nagging him. I am trying to figure out the balance between having my opinions heard and honoring his personal boundaries. 



MSP said:


> You seem quite analytical. And determined to find fault. If that's remotely true, it is not going to help your marriage, whether the faults are there or not.


Ding, ding, ding! I need to stop assuming the worst. 



MSP said:


> Yes, let it go. Start trusting him more, whether he deserves it or not. He'll most likely respond very favourably (eventually).


Thank you. This seems like good advice.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

I think its worth saying that learning to relax and have fun with each other goes a long way in opening doors for healing and building trust.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Samantha86 said:


> My husband and I have been going through a rough patch. A few weeks ago, during the midst of a discussion about the state of our marriage, I told him that I felt that we should try to spend more quality time together in order to try and get our relationship back on the right track. He asked me what resources I had consulted that led me to that suggestion (because it is the exact opposite of what he feels will help), and I said, "My therapist, the self-help books I've been reading, and my friends."
> 
> He then shot back with, "Well, my friends all tell me to leave you."
> 
> ...


My wife thinks I should talk about the problems in our relationship more with my friends. That would mean I have an outlet and she was confident that they will help me through the rough patch. 

They advise me to leave. They advise me where I am bad, but advise I leave. Most people on TAM advise me to leave. We are in counseling and the MC occasionally opens the idea that I could leave. We discuss less as we have talked about everything and words without truth are meaningless. It might be they are right, but when my wife pushes the idea, I have to tell her that my friends are not reacting as she expects.

Your case might be different. However, it might be that you think talking will cure everything, rather than compromising with him. I do not know, and please excuse me if your situation is completely different.

When I want emotional support and people to back me up, I generally go to female friends. When I want to be told what I am doing wrong, I go to male friends.


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## muffin1983 (Sep 1, 2013)

Mr The Other said:


> My wife thinks I should talk about the problems in our relationship more with my friends. That would mean I have an outlet and she was confident that they will help me through the rough patch.


Interesting that your wife advised you to talk to your friends about marital problems. I think this is a big no-no.

While I was dating my husband, we went through a rough patch for almost a good year and unfortunately, he told all his friends about our relationship problems. I don't mean 2 or 3 but a group of his 10 closest friends. We managed to get through the rough patch, however, I feel like my relationship with his friends has never recovered. Very often, I feel like the unwelcome guest. It has been 5 years since the rough patch and I think only recently has his friends seen me as an ok person.

The problem with sharing is often times, friends only hear one side of the disagreement and paint the partner in the bad light. I admit I was the greatest during the rough patch but my husband wasn't a knight in shining armour either.

Who does your wife expect you to share with? A couple close friends or a larger group. As well, where do you draw the line on what you share? If I do share problems with friends, I'll state, we are going through a rough patch but barely elaborate beyond that.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

muffin1983 said:


> Interesting that your wife advised you to talk to your friends about marital problems. I think this is a big no-no.
> 
> While I was dating my husband, we went through a rough patch for almost a good year and unfortunately, he told all his friends about our relationship problems. I don't mean 2 or 3 but a group of his 10 closest friends. We managed to get through the rough patch, however, I feel like my relationship with his friends has never recovered. Very often, I feel like the unwelcome guest. It has been 5 years since the rough patch and I think only recently has his friends seen me as an ok person.
> 
> ...


I have spoken with a couple of close friends in general terms. One issue was they could see that I was severely over worked while my wife was not working. Of course, their concern was with me.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

muffin1983 said:


> Interesting that your wife advised you to talk to your friends about marital problems. I think this is a big no-no.
> 
> While I was dating my husband, we went through a rough patch for almost a good year and unfortunately, he told all his friends about our relationship problems. I don't mean 2 or 3 but a group of his 10 closest friends. We managed to get through the rough patch, however, I feel like my relationship with his friends has never recovered. Very often, I feel like the unwelcome guest. It has been 5 years since the rough patch and I think only recently has his friends seen me as an ok person.
> 
> ...


I think sharing personal relationship information with friends OR family is a big no no.

But sharing it with random people on the internet is ok? 

Is that weird or wrong? 

It makes more sense to me. Friends/family will be around and will remember/make assumptions/judge etc.

Internet on the other hand.......no strings attached.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

DoF said:


> I think sharing personal relationship information with friends OR family is a big no no.
> 
> But sharing it with random people on the internet is ok?
> 
> ...


You need to talk. However, the danger is the legacy of leaving your friends with a bad impression of your spouse.

You lot do not know me or my wife, so things are easier. That said, I do feel obliged to present her side of the story.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Mr The Other said:


> When I want emotional support and people to back me up, I generally go to female friends. When I want to be told what I am doing wrong, I go to male friends.



Haha... I do the same thing... as a woman.. I feel I get more objective perspective INCLUDING what I'm doing wrong from the men friends. Best decision I made this past year.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

The on thing that MUST have broken silence is abuse. If a relationship is abusive breaking the silence on it regardless of the fall out is a MUST and it was very needed in my situation.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I must have missed it. What exactly were these past transgressions of yours that you mentioned?


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## Samantha86 (Apr 8, 2014)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I must have missed it. What exactly were these past transgressions of yours that you mentioned?


You didn't miss it; I didn't name anything specific. There is nothing big -- no affairs or abuse. He just remembers a lot of inconsiderate/unkind things I have done in the past and cannot let go of them. 

The examples that he brings up the most:

*I went on a business trip for a week and didn't call him until I had been there for 5 days. This was 9 years ago. 
*I once woke him up in the middle of the night because we had gone to bed upset and I couldn't sleep. This was 8 or 9 years ago. (I remember how long it's been because of where we were living at the time, and the subject matter of the fight.)
*Early in our marriage, when I would get upset, I would throw things -- not at him, but on the ground or against a wall. We went to counseling for it (and other things) and I haven't done anything of the sort in 8+ years. 

He doesn't mention this often, but between 3 and 5 years ago, due to work stress and other factors, I unintentionally started to distance myself from him. We slept in separate bedrooms most of the time and our sex life diminished considerably. I actually remember him begging me to go to bed with him, and me turning him down -- which I really regret now. I suspect that these times are playing more of a role in his current state of mind than he lets on.


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## Samantha86 (Apr 8, 2014)

DoF said:


> I think sharing personal relationship information with friends OR family is a big no no.
> 
> But sharing it with random people on the internet is ok?
> 
> ...


This is kind of where I am too. When I said I talk to friends, I was referring to the imaginary internet kind.  (People on a small private message board who I have known for nearly 10 years.) But honestly, they just tell me what I want to hear, as any friend would, and they're only getting my side of the story.


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