# Why is my wife protecting the affair partner?



## SW4949 (2 mo ago)

To start I had an affair. Then I found out that when I had mine she went and had one. Where I came clean about all and everything she still has not. She does not want to discuss it with me. I don't understand why my wife is defensive or protective of her affair partner and his family. She seems to put them and what would happen to them over us and me. 

I also know she has talked with two of her female friends and one guy friend that is older and told them about her affair and mine. She wont even admit she told them when I said something after one of the women and the guy at different times slipped up about it and let info out. I just do not understand why she wont talk to me and tell me the truth when I tell her what I know about her affair and the little I know they know.

Any advice to help my racing mind


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

You cheated on her. She wasn’t enough. She cheated. Why do you want her? Someone truly in love doesn’t cheat. You’re both flawed and better off with different people.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

You said “ one of the women”. Multiple. If you’re a serial cheater why do you care what your wife does? You didn’t care what you did to her.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I agree with snowbum. Why are you both struggling to stay together?

But, to answer your OP, maybe she’s concerned you’ll confront him and tell his family?

Too much drama. 😞


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## SW4949 (2 mo ago)

Mine was emotional after my father passed not a real excuse but she had also lost her father just a few months before. . Not sexual at all. She has not had multiple affairs. She just has told other people the female and male friends about both of ours. It is the her wanting to protect them that is what bothers me most.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Was hers sexual? Regardless, you said women. one of the women. Did you tell them you loved them? Why do you want to be with your wife?


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## DamianDamian (Aug 14, 2019)

Um......you're fkd


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

SW4949 said:


> To start I had an affair. Then I found out that when I had mine she went and had one. Where I came clean about all and everything she still has not. She does not want to discuss it with me. I don't understand why my wife is defensive or protective of her affair partner and his family. She seems to put them and what would happen to them over us and me.
> 
> I also know she has talked with two of her female friends and one guy friend that is older and told them about her affair and mine. She wont even admit she told them when I said something after one of the women and the guy at different times slipped up about it and let info out. I just do not understand why she wont talk to me and tell me the truth when I tell her what I know about her affair and the little I know they know.
> 
> Any advice to help my racing mind


Because she was getting even. Getting even doesn’t work if she suddenly starts acting like she has something to make amends for. I’d say she feels fine about it and really, there’s nothing you can say. I think your ruined the marriage and she just euthanized it. You both need to move on.


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## BoSlander (6 mo ago)

SW4949 said:


> To start I had an affair. Then I found out that when I had mine she went and had one. Where I came clean about all and everything she still has not. She does not want to discuss it with me. I don't understand why my wife is defensive or protective of her affair partner and his family. She seems to put them and what would happen to them over us and me.
> 
> I also know she has talked with two of her female friends and one guy friend that is older and told them about her affair and mine. She wont even admit she told them when I said something after one of the women and the guy at different times slipped up about it and let info out. I just do not understand why she wont talk to me and tell me the truth when I tell her what I know about her affair and the little I know they know.
> 
> Any advice to help my racing mind


Care to tell us more about what YOU did? The specifics of the affair?


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Yep, @QuietRiot nailed it. You're being punished.

Going further, she may think she's in love with the guy, while at the same time hating you for what you did.
Which means she will protect him instead of you until the bitter end.

Your marriage is toast.
Go to a lawyer and get the ball rolling.


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## SW4949 (2 mo ago)

We meet on a site for grieving the loss of a parent. She was just there for emotional support which she excelled at. Understood my fathers and my relationship completely. We meet less than a ten times over 8 months. We only talked a few times a week when she or I were struggling with our losses. I cut it off when I started realizing we had started flirting instead of just being supportive.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Was your wifes affair physical?


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

SW4949 said:


> We meet on a site for grieving the loss of a parent. She was just there for emotional support which she excelled at. Understood my fathers and my relationship completely. We meet less than a ten times over 8 months. We only talked a few times a week when she or I were struggling with our losses. I cut it off when I started realizing we had started flirting instead of just being supportive.


Doesn't sound like much of an affair as those things go, but only you know where your heart was. And apparently, your wife agreed with you.

This makes me wonder... her affair... was your EA the opportunity for her to boldly continue something that was already started?

Who was the guy? Someone she already knew I'll bet.

Either way, your marriage is toast.


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## SW4949 (2 mo ago)

Yes it was. It happened right before I ended mine. She came to me 9 days after and told me who it was and that it had happened. But in that 9 days and I guess leading up to it happening is when she discussed it with her friends I mentioned.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

SW4949 said:


> Yes it was. It happened right before I ended mine. She came to me 9 days after and told me who it was and that it had happened. But in that 9 days and I guess leading up to it happening is when she discussed it with her friends I mentioned.


So hers actually started before you revealed yours to her?
So this wasn't a revenge affair, it was 2 people screwing around on each other. Well... yours was online emotional (as opposed to the literal sense of 'screwing around').

Is that it?


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## SW4949 (2 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Doesn't sound like much of an affair, but only you know where your heart was. And apparently, your wife agreed with you.
> 
> This makes me wonder... her affair... was your EA the opportunity for her to boldly continue something that was already started?
> 
> ...


It was with a guy we knew 15 years ago. She said he reached out after her father passed.


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## SW4949 (2 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> So hers actually started before you revealed yours to her?
> So this wasn't a revenge affair, it was 2 people screwing around on each other. Well... yours was online emotional (as opposed to the literal sense of 'screwing around').
> 
> Is that it?


Yes we never got physical but I would say that before I ended it that it was heading that way. Hers started before mine ended and I told her. She did say she knew about mine before I told her.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

SW4949 said:


> Yes we never got physical but I would say that before I ended it that it was heading that way. Hers started before mine ended and I told her. She did say she knew about mine before I told her.


So now you are plan B.
She's protecting her plan A.

What she says about it now doesn't matter, she is showing you what's important to her.
She loves him and will not allow you to hurt him.
Thus she has to protect him.

Your marriage is toast.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

What did you do when you met 8 times? I’m guessing something happened.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Whoa…. This is one discussion I will pass on. My honest Situation Assessment would not be very polite.


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## SW4949 (2 mo ago)

snowbum said:


> What did you do when you met 8 times? I’m guessing something happened.


We meet 8 times and always in a public place. I think I was very naive to what was happening. She did not like the meeting in public after awhile. That was when I finally started putting things together that it was going a different direction at least for her.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Like others have said, she was getting even. Not sure why you want to save this considering you checked out for 8 months.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

I would suggest you both write out detailed timelines for these affairs subject to a polygraph.

I would also wonder if your WW didn't do something with OM 15 years ago.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Contact the OM yourself but speak with OM wife first.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

SW4949 said:


> he just has told other people the female and male friends about both of ours. It is the her wanting to protect them that is what bothers me most.


Really? You're not royally ticked off that she's blabbing about marital infidelity to a number of people?

So she refuses to discuss her affair with YOU but doesn't mind hashing it out with "friends." Got it. 

Jeesh! Disrespect much????


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## BootsAndJeans (4 mo ago)

Hmmm..


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

SW4949 said:


> To start I had an affair. Then I found out that when I had mine she went and had one. Where I came clean about all and everything she still has not. She does not want to discuss it with me. I don't understand why my wife is defensive or protective of her affair partner and his family. She seems to put them and what would happen to them over us and me.
> 
> I also know she has talked with two of her female friends and one guy friend that is older and told them about her affair and mine. She wont even admit she told them when I said something after one of the women and the guy at different times slipped up about it and let info out. I just do not understand why she wont talk to me and tell me the truth when I tell her what I know about her affair and the little I know they know.
> 
> Any advice to help my racing mind


You cheated first, so I guess she figures she doesn't even have to play by your rules anymore.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

SW4949 said:


> We meet 8 times and always in a public place. I think I was very naive to what was happening. She did not like the meeting in public after awhile. That was when I finally started putting things together that it was going a different direction at least for her.


Oh for Pete’s sake! Come on!


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## whammyface (5 mo ago)

Hers was worse and it had
nothing to do with payback. She gets away with protecting him because you let her. Why haven't you told his wife?


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

So let me get this straight, you met 8 times with a woman you met online, but it was so innocent and platonic that you kept it a secret from your wife. Sigh. 

Yeah. Sure. Also, your wife probably did know but instead of caring about it she decided to go hookup too. Open marriage both ways now. 

I feel no sorrys for you.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Meeting in public and not touching us not close to an affair. Care to be honest?


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## SW4949 (2 mo ago)

whammyface said:


> Hers was worse and it had nothing to do with payback. She gets away with protecting him because you let her. Why haven't you told his wife?


 Truthfully I don’t know why I haven’t over than I am not sure I want to mess that family up to.


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## SW4949 (2 mo ago)

snowbum said:


> Meeting in public and not touching us not close to an affair. Care to be honest?


In my head it was because I did not tell my wife. I was meeting and talking to another woman. And I said it had started getting flirty and had started to change.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

SW4949 said:


> Truthfully I don’t know why I haven’t over than I am not sure I want to mess that family up to.


You didn't. Your wife and the OM did. That wife deserves the truth, just as you did.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

SW4949 said:


> In my head it was because I did not tell my wife. I was meeting and talking to another woman. And I said it had started getting flirty and had started to change.


How so?


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

DownByTheRiver said:


> You cheated first, so I guess she figures she doesn't even have to play by your rules anymore.


OP’s actions converted the closed marriage into an open marriage. There was no longer a monogamous marriage upon which to cheat.

EDIT: I suspect that she knew all along that you were secretly meeting with this flirtatious woman. She felt certain that you were having an affair with her. She had a revenge affair. She told you first to hurt you.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Neither one of you sound very committed to the marriage. Have you two talked at all about doing counseling together?


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

Wait…

You had an affair with a woman from a site who understood the relationship between you and your late father?

Your wife had her affair after the death of her father?

Did you both lose your fathers around the same time?


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

snowbum said:


> You said “ one of the women”. Multiple. If you’re a serial cheater why do you care what your wife does? You didn’t care what you did to her.


He said that two of his wife’s friends, the women with whom his wife confided about her affair, slipped up and revealed that they knew.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Let me ask you a question, if she does tell you whatever it is you want to know about him, will it make it OK? Or will there be something else that you become fixated on?

my point here is that it is very common for people to fixate on something and not be able to let that go and lay awake nights obsessing about that one thing and even if their WS tells them why or who or how or where or when, it really doesn’t help them.

I knew a guy who’s wife cheated and he became fixated that she wore a certain pair of earrings and he couldn’t get passed it and would grill her on why she wore those earrings when she got with the other man.

a cousin of mine’s marriage was crumbling down around them and he knew they were headed for divorce and he strongly suspected she was getting with someone else and he really didn’t care that much and it didn’t bother him that much……. Until he noticed she had painted her toenails bring red and she hadn’t done that in many years prior to the affair and now he was livid.

So I’m not saying you don’t have a reason or even a right to know. But I am saying that your marriage is a dumpster fire and you have a ton of issues and problems and getting the answers you want on this issue will not make a substantive difference in the rest of your problems.

If you two want to remain together and have a healthy and somewhat happy marriage, you will likely need professional intervention and guidance in ALL of the areas of dysfunction in your marriage and not just what the OM’s middle name is.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

She loves him. That’s why.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

CraigBesuden said:


> Did you both lose your fathers around the same time?


I wonder if it was on the same fishing trip?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I understand that my attention span and comprehensive level are on par with a 10 year old but it would do some people good to actually read (and apparently reread) what has been written….before posting.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

SW4949 said:


> Truthfully I don’t know why I haven’t over than I am not sure I want to mess that family up to.


The family is already messes up, he is in it. If you are not willing to let that woman know the farce of a marriage she is in, to me makes you culpable in him and your wife's adultry. If you are willing to not step up and do the right thing by informing the woman about her situation, you do not deserve to know the info you want.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

I would strongly suspect your WW was in some kind of contact with OM for years and used your EA as a reason to restart what could be a long dormant affair you never found out about.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

Mr.Married said:


> I understand that my attention span and compression level are on par with a 10 year old but it would do a lot of people some good to actually read (and reread) what has been written….before posting.


I went back to find where OP said he checked out of his marriage for 8 months and met with his AP 8 times. Still missed it.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

CraigBesuden said:


> I went back to find where OP said he checked out of his marriage for 8 months and met with his AP 8 times. Still missed it.


Post #21; He met with his AP 8 times.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

QuietRiot said:


> Post #21; He met with his AP 8 times.


But in post 19, Snowbum was already responding to the information. Perhaps there are other posts in other forums that people are reading simultaneously?


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

another example of why men and woman do not need opposite sex friends


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## BootsAndJeans (4 mo ago)

oldtruck said:


> another example of why men and woman do not need opposite sex friends


^^^^THIS^^^^

Wise man, that Old Truck


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## UAArchangel (2 mo ago)

SW4949 said:


> To start I had an affair. Then I found out that when I had mine she went and had one. Where I came clean about all and everything she still has not. She does not want to discuss it with me. I don't understand why my wife is defensive or protective of her affair partner and his family. She seems to put them and what would happen to them over us and me.
> 
> I also know she has talked with two of her female friends and one guy friend that is older and told them about her affair and mine. She wont even admit she told them when I said something after one of the women and the guy at different times slipped up about it and let info out. I just do not understand why she wont talk to me and tell me the truth when I tell her what I know about her affair and the little I know they know.
> 
> Any advice to help my racing mind


It's possible that she is not telling you anything, because she has you right where she wants you and you can't do anything about it because she did what you did.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Dude you didn’t cheat. This wasn’t an emotional affair. You stopped contact when you started flirting. That is what your supposed to do.

Did your wife have sex with the guy she cheated with?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

SW4949 said:


> In my head it was because I did not tell my wife. I was meeting and talking to another woman. And I said it had started getting flirty and had started to change.


This isn’t cheating. This is ending a friendship that gets to close for comfort.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

SW4949 said:


> We meet 8 times and always in a public place. I think I was very naive to what was happening. She did not like the meeting in public after awhile. That was when I finally started putting things together that it was going a different direction at least for her.


This is post #21.

The OW wanted to start meeting somewhere else that wasn’t so public. She pushed to actually start an affair. OP backed off quickly and never met up again. I am guessing he doesn’t even talk with her anymore.

From what I have read, his wife went out and started having sex with a mutual friend that is also married. She is the one that cheated.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Your wife is not wanting to talk about what she did because she knows damn well she f’d up. She knows your were not having sex with the friend and she did with her affair partner. Why stay with someone that can do this to you? She obviously doesn’t love you.

Why didn’t you turn to your wife when your dad passed away?


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

I've seen a number of times where a WW will exaggerate what her BH is doing into an affair to justify her own affair.

I'm not saying that is what is going on her but it is something for the BH here to consider.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

snowbum said:


> You said “ one of the women”. Multiple. If you’re a serial cheater why do you care what your wife does? You didn’t care what you did to her.


No, one of the women his wife told let it slip, not one of the women he cheated with.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

ABHale said:


> This is post #21.
> 
> The OW wanted to start meeting somewhere else that wasn’t so public. She pushed to actually start an affair. OP backed off quickly and never met up again. I am guessing he doesn’t even talk with her anymore.
> 
> From what I have read, his wife went out and started having sex with a mutual friend that is also married. She is the one that cheated.


You are taking him at his word. He sounds just like a cheater that’s minimizing. It was cheating because he felt the need to keep it secret. I don’t believe a word.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

CraigBesuden said:


> But in post 19, Snowbum was already responding to the information. Perhaps there are other posts in other forums that people are reading simultaneously?


I’ll tell you something though, this story sounds so complicated and “oh by the way this happened” that it reminds me exactly what having a conversation is like when that person is trickle truthing and gaslighting. If you think this is confusing, try having a conversation like this in person. 

“I did this, but it wasn’t that big of deal. We are just friends. I never touched her. I was tricked. It wasn’t me doing it. I swear I didn’t touch her. I only met her 8 times. It was an affair. No it was an EA. No it was a friendship. What you did is worse.” 

This is cheater talk people!!!


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

QuietRiot said:


> I’ll tell you something though, this story sounds so complicated and “oh by the way this happened” that it reminds me exactly what having a conversation is like when that person is trickle truthing and gaslighting. If you think this is confusing, try having a conversation like this in person.
> 
> “I did this, but it wasn’t that big of deal. We are just friends. I never touched her. I was tricked. It wasn’t me doing it. I swear I didn’t touch her. I only met her 8 times. It was an affair. No it was an EA. No it was a friendship. What you did is worse.”
> 
> This is cheater talk people!!!


Not complicated at all. Wife's dad passed just before his did. They were both grieving. He started on a bereavement site for people who lost a parent or some such. Like an alcoholic going to AA. He made friends with a woman there who had lost someone. When they were down, they would meet and talk about it.

His mistake was befriending a woman and not a guy to talk to when he was down. When woman started wanting to meet in private location and started flirting, he saw that she had other motives, so he distanced himself from her.

In mean time wife handles her bereavement and finding out hubby is confiding in a woman he met from a bereavement group by screwing old friend. And is refusing to discuss her adultrous sexcapades.

Sounds pretty simple to me. She is for the streets.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Divinely Favored said:


> Not complicated at all. Wife's dad passed just before his did. They were both grieving. He started on a bereavement site for people who lost a parent or some such. Like an alcoholic going to AA. He made friends with a woman there who had lost someone. When they were down, they would meet and talk about it.
> 
> His mistake was befriending a woman and not a guy to talk to when he was down. When woman started wanting to meet in private location and started flirting, he saw that she had other motives, so he distanced himself from her.
> 
> ...


Disagree. If it was innocent there would be no secrets and he wouldn’t ever call it “an affair” and then say he was naive. Nope.

ETA they are both for the streets. IMO.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

He would have said he chatted with, not had affair with. It’s his side of story and suddenly he mistakenly called it an affair.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

QuietRiot said:


> You are taking him at his word. He sounds just like a cheater that’s minimizing. It was cheating because he felt the need to keep it secret. I don’t believe a word.


I’m not going to assume that.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I know a couple of guys that think talking one on one with a girl is cheating on their wife. It doesn’t matter what the conversation is about.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

oldtruck said:


> another example of why men and woman do not need opposite sex friends


That want, that desire, cannot be willed away
The need, such as it is, cannot be un-had.

It cannot be un-made, that un-needed thought, rather only *denied*, that is.

Needs are real, denials, sometimes, they being, the proper response.
And, proper it is, as seen in this matter, with this OP, the negation ought to be taken up.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

ABHale said:


> I know a couple of guys that think talking one on one with a girl is cheating on their wife. It doesn’t matter what the conversation is about.


I concur, until convinced otherwise.

Both guys and gals think, as this.
This quick damning.

For truth to be made, the facts need bare this out.

We only have his word that it is the truth, he speaks.
For a proper hanging the shadow of the doubt must be eliminated.

We hear no factual naysayers, so I stay my hand.
I give the rope that slack, awaiting more damning proof of his adultery.

I call mistrial at this juncture.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

QuietRiot said:


> Disagree. If it was innocent there would be no secrets and he wouldn’t ever call it “an affair” and then say he was naive. Nope.
> 
> ETA they are both for the streets. IMO.


His error was calling it a starry, chary affair.
Uh, on his part.

That other grieving woman wished it were one.
She steered the stars for that to happen.

He closed his eyes to her loving and needy stars.
He backed away without so much as a kiss.

He was wounded, his wife the same.
He talked with a woman, having proper intentions.

The wife was alienated prior to his meeting this talk mate.
She let her resentment lead her to a dark place in space.

She let the other mans starlight enter her.
His penis found her black hole a willing accomplice.

There are degrees of fault, of guilt.
OP's level rose to bent knee, shame, not full on.

His wife's shame was made, full on.
It entered her taken place, it entered her married fold.

Aye.


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## CallingDrLove (9 mo ago)

snowbum said:


> He would have said he chatted with, not had affair with. It’s his side of story and suddenly he mistakenly called it an affair.


The guy is probably an upstanding guy and had a guilty conscience over something relatively minor. You jump to lots of unsubstantiated conclusions.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

snowbum said:


> He would have said he chatted with, not had affair with. It’s his side of story and suddenly he mistakenly called it an affair.


Agreed. And honestly if the situation were reversed and his wife had gone and met a guy in secret 8 times, nooooobody would be defending her and saying no big deal. What is the saying everyone always uses on this site… EA + physical proximity = he’s a victim? Nope that’s not it… 🤔

He doesn’t need to be talked into believing he’s an innocent victim. He definitely is no victim. 

I don’t think many people realize that an EA (even if that was as far as it went) can be more damaging in a females eyes than a PA... They’ve both done the most possible damage to one another… the marriage is done.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

SunCMars said:


> His error was calling it a starry, chary affair.
> Uh, on his part.
> 
> That other grieving woman wished it were one.
> ...


Okidoke.


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

She is in love with him....That is why she's protecting him. 

It could also be deep shame.
And maybe that's why she won't discuss it.


Do you know when it all started ? 

So , she only slept with him once ? And then admitted it 9 days later ? 

I hope she at least used protection ?
You should get an std/sti test done immediately. 

Maybe she talked to others 1st because she didn't know how to tell you and wanted thier advice 🤔 

Your never going to get the full story 😒 
And if you really need to know , just remember, it's going to eat at you like a Fu##ing cancer until you get them. 

Live with it or Get ŕid of it


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

snowbum said:


> Was hers sexual? Regardless, you said women. one of the women. Did you tell them you loved them? Why do you want to be with your wife?


He was referring to one of the women (her friends) that she told about both affairs.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

You still haven't answered the question "was her affair physical?" Did she sleep with him? Do you have details of how many times, what they did etc.? Why are you not confirming what you know?


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## Mystic Moon (6 mo ago)

ABHale said:


> This isn’t cheating. This is ending a friendship that gets to close for comfort.


Not telling your spouse that you are meeting someone that they do not know about, of the opposite sex, multiple times, to discuss deeply personal things is an emotional affair. Just because he stopped seeing her before things went any further does not make it any less dishonest, or not an emotional affair.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Mystic Moon said:


> Not telling your spouse that you are meeting someone that they do not know about, of the opposite sex, multiple times, to discuss deeply personal things is an emotional affair. Just because he stopped seeing her before things went any further does not make it any less dishonest, or not an emotional affair.


I think some folks would benefit from reading Not Just Friends. This is really interesting that his behavior is being so minimized. Absolutely an emotional affair (at minimum) and he admits it, yet people are telling him it’s not. Unbelievable.


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

I believe that people who start a relationship are not interested in marriage anyway.

relationship partner for your wife someone who deserves more than you

You might think that Om is trying to protect and support your wife, keeping in touch.


I disagree with the concept of relationship fog. They changed the name of love, if you say that my wife loves it very much, no one will try to put on make-up.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

manfromlamancha said:


> You still haven't answered the question "was her affair physical?" Did she sleep with him? Do you have details of how many times, what they did etc.? Why are you not confirming what you know?


He said she did sleep with her AP.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Mystic Moon said:


> Not telling your spouse that you are meeting someone that they do not know about, of the opposite sex, multiple times, to discuss deeply personal things is an emotional affair. Just because he stopped seeing her before things went any further does not make it any less dishonest, or not an emotional affair.


So going to a psych Dr or counselor of opposite sex and not telling your spouse about it, is likewise an EA. There are a lot of EAs going on in this country.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

QuietRiot said:


> Agreed. And honestly if the situation were reversed and his wife had gone and met a guy in secret 8 times, nooooobody would be defending her and saying no big deal. What is the saying everyone always uses on this site… EA + physical proximity = he’s a victim? Nope that’s not it… 🤔
> 
> He doesn’t need to be talked into believing he’s an innocent victim. He definitely is no victim.
> 
> I don’t think many people realize that an EA (even if that was as far as it went) can be more damaging in a females eyes than a PA... They’ve both done the most possible damage to one another… the marriage is done.


I wouldn’t call a woman meeting a guy for coffee 8 times, talking about the death of their dad cheating either. Friends do this from time to time.

I believe a key factor in an emotional affair is when the person starts feeling or saying “I love you”. That is when the damage starts and erosion of the marriage begins. There is nothing in OP’s statements that he was feeling this way himself. He did say that he felt that the female he was meeting up with in public seemed to want a change in their friendship. So he ended the friendship.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Mystic Moon said:


> Not telling your spouse that you are meeting someone that they do not know about, of the opposite sex, multiple times, to discuss deeply personal things is an emotional affair. Just because he stopped seeing her before things went any further does not make it any less dishonest, or not an emotional affair.


They were part of an online support group grieving the loss of a parent. They met in public 8 times to talk about it. This isn’t cheating or deep personal matters.

On the other hand his wife was ****ing a mutual friend that is married. Something some of the females on here are ok with because OP “cheated” first.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Maybe she has been in her affair for a year or two. That could be why she wasn’t there for OP when his dad passed away. She didn’t start and end her affair by ****ing the married friend at the time OP stopped talking with his friend. She is lying about the time frame of her affair.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

QuietRiot said:


> I think some folks would benefit from reading Not Just Friends. This is really interesting that his behavior is being so minimized. Absolutely an emotional affair (at minimum) and he admits it, yet people are telling him it’s not. Unbelievable.


QuietRiot I would agree with you if they had been friends for years. They had just met through the support group. He ended it as soon as he saw what her intentions seemed to be.

I am really curious at the moment why he didn’t turn to his wife for support. That should have been the first place for him to go.


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## BoSlander (6 mo ago)

Mystic Moon said:


> Not telling your spouse that you are meeting someone that they do not know about, of the opposite sex, multiple times, to discuss deeply personal things is an emotional affair.


^^^ THIS.

This is precisely what happened to me. I would just take out the "they do not know about." Cheaters have a tendency to throw out The Name once in a while just so as to normalize/formalize his presence in the couple's lives.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Is the OP lying about having a PA? Yea maybe. Maybe not.

I suspect he’s not an idiot and knew more than he’s letting on about that emotional connection that was building between them. I would guess he was in the EA…and then snapped out of it when she wanted more.

As @QuietRiot said…flip it around. If a woman was here posting and told the story of her meeting what she thought was a supportive guy, but then she broke it off when he made advances… I’d say the same thing. She knew it was an EA…then panicked and pulled the plug.

Many TAM posters lie in their post and _always_ tell just one side of the story.

But what advice is different if OP had a PA or not? Their marriage is toast, his wife is in love with a long time guy from her past, she probably hates OP for having the affair and is using that to justify whatever she wants to do.

So…OP…move on. Go to a lawyer and get the deed done.


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## Trdd (Jan 11, 2022)

Was your wife's affair physical? 

Your situation barely sounds like an affair. You got too close, realized it and ended it. Maybe technically an EA but not by much. What was hers like? 

It sounds like more was going on with her and that is why she does not want to tell you. Or that it was with someone you know.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

SW4949 said:


> To start I had an affair. Then I found out that when I had mine she went and had one. Where I came clean about all and everything she still has not. She does not want to discuss it with me. I don't understand why my wife is defensive or protective of her affair partner and his family. She seems to put them and what would happen to them over us and me.
> 
> I also know she has talked with two of her female friends and one guy friend that is older and told them about her affair and mine. She wont even admit she told them when I said something after one of the women and the guy at different times slipped up about it and let info out. I just do not understand why she wont talk to me and tell me the truth when I tell her what I know about her affair and the little I know they know.
> 
> Any advice to help my racing mind


Divorce immediately. You both orchestrated and carried out destructive actions against your marriage.

You are the only one willing to be transparent and do the rebuilding and that will never work.

Send her down the road buddy. She had the tools to f up her marriage, just like you, but unlike you, she isn't capable of doing what's necessary to help her marriage heal.

She isn't your partner anymore. She is your enemy and that is apparently where she wants to stay.

Can't have divided loyalties.

See a lawyer and get it done.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

P.S. everyone shouldn't get too worked up especially when an OP isn't answering pertinent questions.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

OP, the best way for you to put this dumpster fire out is just to simply get your personal affairs sorted and lawyer up.
Then, have her served hard and cold.
That'll harsh her buzz, and who knows what she'll want to do then.
However if you are smart, you'll just go ahead and stick the proverbial fork in it.
You screwed up, I'm not going to defend you.
However, your situation was somewhat limited in scope (EA), and you pulled it in before it went over the top.
Your spouse would have been correct and justified to divorce you, or exercise the other option of working through it.
Instead, she went scorched earth to a full blown affair,* purely for spite*, and bragged about it to others.
That speaks to the kind of person she is, and frankly, you should want better for yourself.
It sounds inevitable that the two of you are going to end up divorced anyway, because neither of you appear to have the skill set to constructively deal with the rigors of trauma, and instead transform it to drama. In your own best interests, just make it stop, for good.


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

SW4949 said:


> In my head it was because I did not tell my wife.


If your relationship with this woman was truly platonic and it was simply a buddy system for support, why didn't you tell your wife about her from the beginning?


SW4949 said:


> To start I had an affair.


Yes, I agree with this statement. The moment you decided to hide this woman from your wife and talk to her and meet with her behind your wife's back, it was an affair, you were cheating.


SW4949 said:


> We meet on a site for grieving the loss of a parent. She was just there for emotional support which she excelled at. Understood my fathers and my relationship completely. We meet less than a ten times over 8 months. We only talked a few times a week when she or I were struggling with our losses. I cut it off when I started realizing we had started flirting instead of just being supportive.


So you both were flirting with each other, but it was by accident because you're so innocent, pure as the driven snow, you were not aware that you were flirting and that she was too. But once you realized you both were flirting with each other, you immediately cut off the relationship. You dropped her like a hot potato. If anyone actually believes that, I might have a bridge to sell you! LOL.

None of it sounds innocent or by accident to me. An accident is forgetting to tie your shoe laces and falling. Forgetting about your wife and falling for another woman is not an accident.

Were there not any grieving men on that website -- a man who was also grieving the loss of his father who you may have related to better? But I guess you couldn't accidentally flirt with a male support buddy.

Also, eight long months. I bet the two of you sat in a malt shop gulping milkshakes for the eight months of your relationship. By the way, where did you tell your wife you were going when you met up with this woman?


SW4949 said:


> Yes we never got physical but I would say that before *I ended it* that it was heading that way.


Such good behavior, especially for a married man who secretly met up with a woman he met online. If I had any stickers, I would give you one.

What happened to make you think it was heading towards a sexual relationship? Also, could you please define what you define as "flirting"?


SW4949 said:


> *we* had started flirting





SW4949 said:


> We meet 8 times and always in a public place. I think *I was very naive* to what was happening. She did not like the meeting in public after awhile. That was when I finally started putting things together that it was going a different direction *at least for her*.


You make her sound like the big bad wolf and yourself like innocent little red riding hood.
You said you BOTH flirted with each other. Perhaps you led her on by flirting with her. Btw, was she married too? If yes, did she hide you from her husband?


SW4949 said:


> *I just do not understand why she wont talk to me and tell me the truth* when I tell her what I know about her affair and the little I know they know.


Maybe if you had offered her the same courtesy, she would.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Stick a fork in it and pitch it in the bin unless you want the rest of your life to be you and your wife 'one upping' each other through infidelity.

You would be well served to explain your 'affair' and hers in a little more detail. You have replies that are all over the map due to your vague description of what went down.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

ABHale said:


> QuietRiot I would agree with you if they had been friends for years. They had just met through the support group. He ended it as soon as he saw what her intentions seemed to be.
> 
> I am really curious at the moment why he didn’t turn to his wife for support. That should have been the first place for him to go.


I only disagree because he felt the need to keep all of it a secret; the communication, the meetups (8 that he will admit) and even that “she” got too flirty. 

Think about if your spouse did this with an opposite sex person and didn’t tell you? Ask your spouse if they’d be ok if you started talking to me in private here, over months, and then you and I met up together. Secretly, 8 times. Lied about where you were going… maybe crying in one another’s arms and giving comfort for all that ails us and not telling her any of it, especially if I decided I wanted to flirt with you. That would be a damning affair in the eyes of any woman I know. And that’s just what he admits to. 😳

Not an excuse for what she did at all. But he contributed heartily to the demise of this marriage.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Divinely Favored said:


> So going to a psych Dr or counselor of opposite sex and not telling your spouse about it, is likewise an EA. There are a lot of EAs going on in this country.


I really think we need to open a thread on what an EA is and is not and why it is so destructive to marriages. Counseling is done with a professional that has the moral and professional obligation to not get romantically involved and is considered and paid for under healthcare services. Can you not see the difference here? I’ll start a thread when we are all nice and fat on Turkey.




ABHale said:


> On the other hand his wife was ****ing a mutual friend that is married. Something some of the females on here are ok with because OP “cheated” first.


No way, his wife is absolutely not ok. If I approved of revenge affairs, I would have cheated on my STBX and then left him, I had nothing to lose. But I never excuse cheating for ANY reason. And were she speaking to us I’d hold her absolutely accountable. But OP was asking why she was withholding the information he wanted. I think that question has been well answered.


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

QuietRiot said:


> But I never excuse cheating for ANY reason. And were she speaking to us I’d hold her absolutely accountable. But OP was asking why she was withholding the information he wanted. I think that question has been well answered.


100% agree.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

QuietRiot said:


> I only disagree because he felt the need to keep all of it a secret; the communication, the meetups (8 that he will admit) and even that “she” got too flirty.
> 
> Think about if your spouse did this with an opposite sex person and didn’t tell you? Ask your spouse if they’d be ok if you started talking to me in private here, over months, and then you and I met up together. Secretly, 8 times. Lied about where you were going… maybe crying in one another’s arms and giving comfort for all that ails us and not telling her any of it, especially if I decided I wanted to flirt with you. That would be a damning affair in the eyes of any woman I know. And that’s just what he admits to. 😳
> 
> Not an excuse for what she did at all. But he contributed heartily to the demise of this marriage.


Here’s the difference in my case. My wife is meeting guys all the time at work. The interaction goes with her job and I know nothing about it. I really don’t care who she works with unless she feels the need for me to know something. She does speak about a few of them and the jokes or comments they have made. Not all of it is work related.

How is this so different in OP’s situation. He found an online support group to help him through this. We still don’t know why he couldn’t turn to his wife. The female in question is local so they decided to met up and talk over coffee or something. If his wife didn’t care about his loss, I can understand why he didn’t tell her about meeting up to talk about his dad’s death. I would have done the same in this situation as well as considering if I was going to be married much longer. OP says he never had feelings for this other female and as soon as he saw that she did he stopped seeing her.

I don’t see this as cheating. He never formed an emotional connection to her. Was his actions inappropriate, yes. He should have let his wife know he was meeting someone from his support group. But again, if she wasn’t wanting or able to be there for him to begin with, why even bother to let her know.

I just don’t see what he did as cheating.

As for the saying what did he expect with his wife cheating on him. I didn’t mean you. I know you would never condone that.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

QuietRiot said:


> I really think we need to open a thread on what an EA is and is not and why it is so destructive to marriages. Counseling is done with a professional that has the moral and professional obligation to not get romantically involved and is considered and paid for under healthcare services. Can you not see the difference here? I’ll start a thread when we are all nice and fat on Turkey.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


How many times do patients and their Dr. have emotional feelings for one another. 
Basically you are discounting the AA/NA program since they are not trained professionals. Where he messed up is confiding in a woman. What happened is no different than a guy getting an AA/NA sponsor that is woman and after realizing she had developed emotional feelings, he cut her off.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

ABHale said:


> Here’s the difference in my case. My wife is meeting guys all the time at work. The interaction goes with her job and I know nothing about it. I really don’t care who she works with unless she feels the need for me to know something. She does speak about a few of them and the jokes or comments they have made. Not all of it is work related.
> 
> How is this so different in OP’s situation. He found an online support group to help him through this. We still don’t know why he couldn’t turn to his wife. The female in question is local so they decided to met up and talk over coffee or something. If his wife didn’t care about his loss, I can understand why he didn’t tell her about meeting up to talk about his dad’s death. I would have done the same in this situation as well as considering if I was going to be married much longer. OP says he never had feelings for this other female and as soon as he saw that she did he stopped seeing her.
> 
> ...


 I figure him not turning to his wife for support as she was distraught because her (dad?) had passed just before the OPs. Maybe she was not emotionally stable enough the help her hubby while she was also dealing with the grief from her own loss.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I said my piece.

Eight meetings (alone) with a strange and estranged woman is rather excessive.
He very likely emptyed his heart, not his.....

I am amenable to reason.
The optics alone, look bad.

Thus, I relent.
I will not eat crow, they fester in my craw.

Caw, caw.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Divinely Favored said:


> How many times do patients and their Dr. have emotional feelings for one another.
> Basically you are discounting the AA/NA program since they are not trained professionals. Where he messed up is confiding in a woman. What happened is no different than a guy getting an AA/NA sponsor that is woman and after realizing she had developed emotional feelings, he cut her off.


I think we would be threadjacking to not move this specific part to another thread I will do so soon. 

He himself also admits it was an affair, every woman as a spouse I know of would absolutely consider this cheating, and many WORSE than having sex with her. Just keep that in mind. He KNOWS he betrayed his wife. And she knows she betrayed him. Marriage is done.


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## Trdd (Jan 11, 2022)

QuietRiot said:


> I think we would be threadjacking to not move this specific part to another thread I will do so soon.
> 
> He himself also admits it was an affair, every woman as a spouse I know of would absolutely consider this cheating, and many WORSE than having sex with her. Just keep that in mind. He KNOWS he betrayed his wife. And she knows she betrayed him. Marriage is done.


Your last sentence is an enormous assumption. D may happen, but so may R. People have gotten through much worse than this; the future belongs in their hands and fate isn't written quite yet.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Trdd said:


> Your last sentence is an enormous assumption. D may happen, but so may R. People have gotten through much worse than this; the future belongs in their hands and fate isn't written quite yet.


Based on what a remorseful cheater does, no.
They might reconcile but it’ll be a rug sweep. Until she leaves him for someone else, while cheating all along. She doesn’t respect him anymore (if she ever did).


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## BootsAndJeans (4 mo ago)

QuietRiot said:


> Based on what a remorseful cheater does, no.
> They might reconcile but it’ll be a rug sweep. Until she leaves him for someone else, while cheating all along. She doesn’t respect him anymore (if she ever did).


^^^Wise WOMAN^^^


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

QuietRiot said:


> Based on what a remorseful cheater does, no.
> They might reconcile but it’ll be a rug sweep. Until she leaves him for someone else, while cheating all along. She doesn’t respect him anymore (if she ever did).


I doubt they can reconcile successfully if she's protecting the AP. He's got nothing to work with from her end, no matter how much insight and remorse he has into his own actions.


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