# It's been a year! Get over it!



## momma2four (Aug 9, 2012)

"It's been a year. Get over it!" this is the comment my husband makes when I say something about the affairs. I just can't get over it. It's such a long story, but will try to make it short .

On June 4th, 2011, I saw the light and realized my husband was cheating. Although he denied anything more than making phone calls to 3 different women. He said that I don't have any proof other then the phone records. That was until Sept. 13th, 2011. I got a long Facebook message from his ex-GF detailing all of their encounters. Their PA had been going on since Dec. 2008 (3.5 years long). She lives in France but would fly here for weeks at a time and spend them with him. He was in consulting so would be out of town during the week then come home on the weekeds. About 5 to 6 times a year she would fly to the states and stay with him all week. I just about had a nervous breakdown when I read all the details of their affair. He came home and said how sorry he was. He didn't ever want me to find out. He called it off with her months before this and she was angry so that is why she told me about the affair. 

After I found out about her, I did a little digging and found out about 2 other women. On June 4th 2011, he went out with friends and didnt come home that night. I called for about an hour every ten minutes from 4:30 am til 5:35 am. Thinking he got in an accident since he didn't call or come home. He finally answered saying he was so drunk he couldn't drive home and crashed at his friends house. He said he would be on his way home after he got a cup of coffee to help him wake up. About 10 minutes after he left for home he got a text from an number I didn't recognize (I checked our cell phone records). I also say that his friend called him at 2am...the friend he said he spent the night with at his house. I started asking questions "why would Frank call you at 2am if you were with him." and "who sent you a text at 5:58am" He explained everything and told me he gave his number to a woman he met that night at the club. He said they had good conversation and didn't think it was a big deal. Oh it was a big DEAL to me. I told him to tell her to stop contact. He said he'd call and tell her. I said I would call and he said no don't, but it was too late. I called and she pretended not to know what I was talking about. She didn't know my husband. She said she was out of town....all a bunch of BS. I told my husband to end all contact or else. He said ok. That was the first week of June. Fastforward to Oct. 2011 I found out that he remained in contact with this woman, and that he was screwing her from Jun. to Oct. 2011. She lives in the same city that he works in so all those late nights at work were actually time he spent with her. They would book a hotel and have their fun. I just couldn't take it and was ready to pack his stuff and get a divorce. Once again he said he was sorry and that he doen't want a divorce and he will do what ever it takes. Yada yada yada. He promised no contact with her but then he made a call to her Christmas Eve 2011. 5 days before our trip out of the country. I almost cancelled the trip but I couldn't get the airline miles back on my acct so I went. There were so many emotions going on that the trip wasn't what I planned it would be. He said he had a weak moment that's why he called her and he needed to hear from her that she was done with him so he could hate her and not want to go back.  Another load of BS.

The third woman he denies doing anything with although he said he would have if she wanted to. She lives out of state where he would travel for business and it's his friend's GF's friend. He did have a picture of her in his cell phone and there were long conversations between them but to this day he denies anything going on with her. She is married and has her own business so I doubt he would want to let it out that anything happend for fear it would ruin her life. The other 2 women were not married, both were already divorced. 

Ok so here I am today. I have no trust! He gave me the password on his phone, but not to his email and Facebook. He doesn't stay late at work like he use to, and if he does he calls and says I can call his work number to check if I want. He said he is done with the affairs. He says "It's been a year and to get over it." I just can't get over it. We have 4 children together ages 10, 8, 6 and 5. He is a great father and loves spending time with them. It would break their hearts not to have their father here. He makes all the money about 125k a year. I have been home with the kids for 10 years although I have a master's degree in bilogical sciences. I own our home with my parents. He is not on the title. We own 1 vehicle outright and we make payments on his mercedes. I battle everyday with leaving or staying. I don't know how I can make it on my own with 4 kids. I want to go back to college and get a 2nd master's in Nursing when my youngest is in school all day which is another year away. We have been married 8 years, been together 11 years. How do you just erase everything and start fresh? I have no self-esteem, I let myself go. I am in IC. We tried MC but he is doesn't really want to go. He only went because I gave him an ultimatum. I just don't know how to proceed. I am lost and confused. I always said I would be out the door if he cheated. He knew that! We would get in conversations about it and he would say "get with the times", "men see sex as just sex it doesn't mean anything". I would always end our conversations with well if I ever find out you're cheating we are done. Yet here I am....still here. I need to find the courage to either let it go and try to start over or just leave and start fresh. This limbo is killing me. I'm on an emotional roller coaster and it's not good for me or my children.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

It takes 2-5 years to recover from a betrayal, and that only if both spouses are giving it 100%, with the WS doing the heavy lifting.

This crap about his telling you to get over it already is pure rug sweeping and shows NO REMORSE. You cannot R if your WH is not remorseful.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

I am so sorry you're here. Nothing anyone can say will erase the pain you are experiencing. You know that he is a liar and a cheat and that his previous promises to you have been meaningless. His "get over it" comments are an indication of his remorse (or should I say the lack of remorse) 

If you remain in this relationship under these circumstances, nothing will have changed. I recommend you file for divorce. At least having him served will show him the seriousness of your resolve. If he doesn't do the heavy lifting in the interval between filing and settlement, feel lucky to be rid of him. You will get child support and likley spousal support for a time and perhaps can pursue your nursing degree to improve your financial situation. These are hard decisions; but, life will be better for it.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

momma2four said:


> "It's been a year. Get over it!" this is the comment my husband makes when I say something about the affairs. I just can't get over it. It's such a long story, but will try to make it short .
> 
> I am in IC. We tried MC but he is doesn't really want to go. He only went because I gave him an ultimatum.
> 
> ...


The combination of what he's saying to you is that his cheating wasn't a big deal. His reasons apparently are, 'Men will be men.They get out of control when they're horny and they might even f*ck the first animate thing they see. So get out of the way!'

That is a load of crock, and I'm here to tell you that there are plenty of men who are faithful to the very end and would never violate their vows, and who would be insulted by his stereotype (which is really just an excuse he hopes you'll believe).

I'm sorry to say this, but serial cheaters are very, very bad news. And this guy has apparently carried on multiple affairs simultaneously, if I understand you correctly because there's some overlap there in your dates. In essence, he also cheated on his affair partners. Believe it or not, although plenty of people cheat, many times they would never cheat with anyone else (including their spouse!! so they deny them sex) out of a misguided kind of loyalty. But your husband didn't even bother with that.

He sounds like he thinks he's entitled to cheat because he feels like it, and he's entitled to not have to listen to you whine about it. This is pure armchair psychology (so not worth much) but usually this kind of entitlement = massive self-centeredness = narcissism. True narcissists don't really see the point of changing, because why mess around with perfection?

I'm glad you're in individual counseling. What does your therapist have to say about him?


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

And as KanDo says, get legal advice. Sometimes things aren't as hopeless as they seem from a financial / legal perspective. I realize this doesn't address the family issues and my heart sincerely goes out to you.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Definitely a serial cheater, and it's a hard habit to break. No access to FB and email? Seriously? Red flag.

And calling him at work when he works late? Call forwarding will send your call to his cell phone and you won't know the difference.

Only if it's complete open access and marriage counseling will you have any chance.


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## momma2four (Aug 9, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> The combination of what he's saying to you is that his cheating wasn't a big deal. His reasons apparently are, 'Men will be men.They get out of control when they're horny and they might even f*ck the first animate thing they see. So get out of the way!'
> 
> That is a load of crock, and I'm here to tell you that there are plenty of men who are faithful to the very end and would never violate their vows, and who would be insulted by his stereotype (which is really just an excuse he hopes you'll believe).
> 
> ...



Based on my meetings with my theapist she seems to think he is an excitement seeker. He sees women on the street and thinks about what they would be like in bed. He goes thru periods of just want to watch porn and pleasure himself and then there are periods of time he just wants me (or should a I say a warm pu**y). He is constantly checking himself out. Said if he gets anymore grey/white hairs he's gonna shave is head bald. Always wearing the latest styles and into fashion. He drives a mercedes and thinks he's all that. I don't know if it's partly a midlife crisis or something that was triggered by his higher pay bracket, but things have changed with him in the last 5 years. 

He is not from this country and in his culture men do have multiple women/wifes. So it is something he grew up with, but with that being said he knows that I grew up with a father that cheated on my mother and he knows that I would never tolerate that. We had 2 children before we got married so I didn't want to get married if he wasn't going to be faithful. He knew that. Many many conversations about this and that I would leave if I ever found him cheating. Now I feel like I caved in..I'm still here. I'm sure it would still be going on if I didn't know about it. The only reason why he cut it off with his ex-GF in France was because she was pressuring him to leave me for her. She said "the only reason that his is still with you is because of the kids."


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

A real prize you have there. You deserve better than this garbage, and you know it. Work on your exit plan.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

That is something I haven't seen discussed very much on these forums, which is, what if your spouse culturally doesn't take marriage vows seriously. He sounds like he understood your position, but now that he's arrived at a certain age, it seems to me that he's decided he's entitled to the same thing that perhaps his father or other male relatives engaged in. In certain of those cultures, the wives have little to no economic power, so they can despise the cheating, but they have little ability to stop it.

Based on that, not sure I'd classify him as an excitement seeker. Again, this all comes back to entitlement. Someone who really doesn't see anything wrong with cheating isn't going to stop. I know you know this. I just wish there was another answer.

He can still be a great dad even if he's not married to you. I know that's cold nasty leftovers as far as you're concerned. But he may be able to be a good co-parent even though he couldn't be a good husband.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

This guy definitely has Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) traits. There's no cure for that unfortunately. He'll never change.

He'll shave his head bald if he gets any more gray hairs? Seriously? ROFL LMAO. I agree with you. He really is full of himself.

And I agree with iheartlife. I'm a man who's insulted by this type of individual. He reminds me of my Dad, who was almost exactly like that and a serial cheater to boot.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

And let me take another guess: He *DOESN'T* like being seen in public with you and your 4 kids. You rarely if ever, go out as a family, and if you do, he either makes you go first with the kids and he follows later, or he goes ahead alone and you and the kids follow him afterwards.


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## momma2four (Aug 9, 2012)

I think that is part of the problem. I just don't think he sees anything wrong with cheating. To him it's not a big deal. But come on it's not like he is having sex with random ppl here and there. He carried on a 3.5 year affair with an ex-GF that wanted more from him. She would have been happy to be a 2nd wife. The OW that lives near his work, knew he was married and didn't care she thought he would leave me for her too. He said he would never "leave" me for another wowan. He just wanted to have his fun and f*uck these women with any attachment to them. But they are women so they need some sort a attachment to keep them satisfied. So he would create a bond with them to keep the sex going with them. 

He has other issues though. He wants to see me with another man. No strings attached. He fantasizes about it. I'm not into that. I don't want a swinging type marraige and he would be all for that. So I guess, I know what I should do. I just don't know why I haven't. I guess insecurity, low self-esteem, fear of being alone. 

I don't think he is doing anyone atm because I am watching him like a hawk. But he hate that I am monitoring him. He feels he has no privacy and said this can't go on that I need to find something else to do with my time than check phone records and worry about what he is doing. I am sure he will go back to his ways. We have taked about us being divorced and he said "he would have fun in the beinging but as he gets older he will would want to be with one person". It seems as if he would want me to close my eyes for 5 years and let him do what he wants then after that he would be faithful. Whatever that's not gonna happen.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)




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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> He'll shave his head bald if he gets any more gray hairs? Seriously? ROFL LMAO. I agree with you. He really is full of himself.


lordmayhem, not everyone is blessed with a lush, full head of hair like you are.

But seriously, I'm not so sure about full blown NPD. I say that because if from birth you were taught that polygamy / mistresses were perfectly okay, and you didn't see a lot of negative repercussions for the women (because divorce in such cultures is often frowned upon), you might just think that there's nothing really wrong with it. So you wouldn't need to get to the same mental state as most Americans, many of whom were taught that this behavior was lower than low.

But I suspect you (lordmayhem) saw a lot of negative repercussions--and hence your own personal disgust (?)


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

momma2four said:


> We have taked about us being divorced and he said "he would have fun in the beinging but as he gets older he will would want to be with one person". It seems as if he would want me to close my eyes for 5 years and let him do what he wants then after that he would be faithful. Whatever that's not gonna happen.


What are you doing to keep this from happening? Right now?

This guy sounds like a real piece of work. Why are you still with him?


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## momma2four (Aug 9, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> And let me take another guess: He *DOESN'T* like being seen in public with you and your 4 kids. You rarely if ever, go out as a family, and if you do, he either makes you go first with the kids and he follows later, or he goes ahead alone and you and the kids follow him afterwards.


No, we go out together. He's not afraid to be seen with me and the kids. Although lately he has been making comments on my weight. I have kinda let myself go and I am not happy about that. He does say I need to become healthier for my own sake and for my own happiness, but it is something that I know he is bothered by. Our children are beautiful...3 of them model for Kohl's regularly and we get comments about our children all the time from strangers. So he is happy to do things with us as a family. Maybe it gives him some satisfaction that he can make beautiful children. Even his OW would comment that he makes beautiful kids. Stupid me for making my Facebook open to friends of friends. All the OW could see everything I was posting.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

So he deigns to take you out in public just because you all LOOK nice?!?!?!

Wow. Just wow.


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

what would he do if you had other men?


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

hotdogs said:


> what would he do if you had other men?


I think she just said he'd be all for it


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> I think she just said he'd be all for it


Behind his back though. For people who have this fantasy, it's important that they have control of it. Therefore, they need to be witness. I was asking what his reaction would be if she had other men on the side like he does with women


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## momma2four (Aug 9, 2012)

hotdogs said:


> what would he do if you had other men?


If he didn't know about it he wouldn't care. It's like we could both be with other ppl as long as the other person doesn't know about it. I know he would still be doing it if I didn't know.

He would love to watch me with another man, but just a one time thing. I'm not into that!


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

momma2four said:


> If he didn't know about it he wouldn't care. It's like we could both be with other ppl as long as the other person doesn't know about it. I know he would still be doing it if I didn't know.
> 
> He would love to watch me with another man, but just a one time thing. I'm not into that!



I ask because I have been through a divorce with children and it has got to be the worst thing in the world. New lows are reached as you fight over children and money. Its like you're discovering that this person you made a life with is the devil incarnate.

Have you considered a new relationship? A private one of your own? I know you aren't into allowing him to watch but are you open to letting yourself love again? I have a feeling that since you mentioned you let yourself go a bit that your self esteem is in the toilet. Anyone's self esteem would be shot after what you went through. If you opened yourself up to outside advances you may find the strength you need to ultimately deal with this. I will probably catch alot of flak for suggesting this but I'm going to reiterate --- divorce battles with children are hell on everyone and you don't deserve to be as unhappy as you are.


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## momma2four (Aug 9, 2012)

I don't want a new relationship with anyone while I'm still married to him. I am not all that religious, but I just feel it's wrong. I don't think we would have a really messy divorce. Nothing is really his and he is not the type that will leave his kids high and dry as far as all the things in the house they would stay with us. He might take a T.V. and a bed but we have that to spare. The problem would come with child support and alimony. He is absoultly against paying me alimony. He knows he would have to dish out at least 40% for childsupport and he seems to be ok with that. When I tell him he will have to pay some sort of alimony for a few years he gets crazy and says he will stop working and I won't get a dime. Then I say well you won't see your kids. That is where the problems start. He said he won't work if he is gonna live like a bum. He needs to at least get a townhome or something to have the kids over and he said if he pays me anymore then 1/2 his salary he won't be able to live a decent life. I don't want all his money, but I do want what I am entitled to. I gave up a career to raise children. It's gonna take me a while to get back on my feet and I think it's fair he should pay.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

hotdogs said:


> I ask because I have been through a divorce with children and it has got to be the worst thing in the world. New lows are reached as you fight over children and money. Its like you're discovering that this person you made a life with is the devil incarnate.
> 
> Have you considered a new relationship? A private one of your own? I know you aren't into allowing him to watch but are you open to letting yourself love again? I have a feeling that since you mentioned you let yourself go a bit that your self esteem is in the toilet. Anyone's self esteem would be shot after what you went through. If you opened yourself up to outside advances you may find the strength you need to ultimately deal with this. I will probably catch alot of flak for suggesting this but I'm going to reiterate --- divorce battles with children are hell on everyone and you don't deserve to be as unhappy as you are.


You're counseling someone to cheat because they've been cheated on? Wow.

Have YOU ever been cheated on?

And just because your divorce was like that doesn't mean everyones is. Mine certainly wasn't. Best thing I ever did for my kids was get rid of their father.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

momma2four said:


> I don't want a new relationship with anyone while I'm still married to him. I am not all that religious, but I just feel it's wrong. I don't think we would have a really messy divorce. Nothing is really his and he is not the type that will leave his kids high and dry as far as all the things in the house they would stay with us. He might take a T.V. and a bed but we have that to spare. The problem would come with child support and alimony. He is absoultly against paying me alimony. He knows he would have to dish out at least 40% for childsupport and he seems to be ok with that. When I tell him he will have to pay some sort of alimony for a few years he gets crazy and says he will stop working and I won't get a dime. Then I say well you won't see your kids. That is where the problems start. He said he won't work if he is gonna live like a bum. He needs to at least get a townhome or something to have the kids over and he said if he pays me anymore then 1/2 his salary he won't be able to live a decent life. I don't want all his money, but I do want what I am entitled to. I gave up a career to raise children. It's gonna take me a while to get back on my feet and I think it's fair he should pay.


Wow, for him to actually say he won't pay you a dime in alimony and he'd quit so you wouldn't have any money. What a selfish, selfish, selfish pig.

You really need to visit a lawyer and tell them what you're telling us. A lawyer may be able to tell you how plausible this would be and what the consequences are, etc. Whether or not this is something just to scare you, whether it has any teeth.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

momma2four said:


> I don't want a new relationship with anyone while I'm still married to him. I am not all that religious, but I just feel it's wrong. I don't think we would have a really messy divorce. Nothing is really his and he is not the type that will leave his kids high and dry as far as all the things in the house they would stay with us. He might take a T.V. and a bed but we have that to spare. The problem would come with child support and alimony. He is absoultly against paying me alimony. He knows he would have to dish out at least 40% for childsupport and he seems to be ok with that. When I tell him he will have to pay some sort of alimony for a few years he gets crazy and says he will stop working and I won't get a dime. Then I say well you won't see your kids. That is where the problems start. He said he won't work if he is gonna live like a bum. He needs to at least get a townhome or something to have the kids over and he said if he pays me anymore then 1/2 his salary he won't be able to live a decent life. I don't want all his money, but I do want what I am entitled to. I gave up a career to raise children. It's gonna take me a while to get back on my feet and I think it's fair he should pay.


Honey, it may be fair, and you may be entitled to it, but with that attitude, you're just going to end up bitter and resentful for years to come, and you're setting yourself up for failure and financial hardship.

Assume you will never get a dime from him, and plan accordingly. Stand on your OWN two feet. Don't worry about what he does or has - worry about YOU and the kids. So what if he quits his job? You won't be depending on him, and he won't have that power over you. And your divorce will be FAR more amicable.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I am not saying you shouldn't try to get anything - go for it - just don't DEPEND on whatever the papers end up saying he owes you.


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## momma2four (Aug 9, 2012)

idk. He said he as looked into ways to earn money without me know about it. I really don't know how that is possible. He works in IT, but unless he starts his own business I don't see how it is possible. He could move back to his country but life sucks out there and he wouldn't be able to see his kids. I think he is all talk so that I will stay so he can keep control of all the money.


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> You're counseling someone to cheat because they've been cheated on? Wow.
> 
> Have YOU ever been cheated on?
> 
> And just because your divorce was like that doesn't mean everyones is. Mine certainly wasn't. Best thing I ever did for my kids was get rid of their father.


*shrug* I have no idea if I have been cheated on to be honest. I suspect I was but no proof. I was just offering alternative advice. Two wrongs don't make a right but apparently cheating isn't wrong to this man, it's natural in his culture.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

My ex currently owes me over $65,000 in child support. He works for cash and doesn't pay a dime. Don't kid yourself.

I am serious. DON'T DEPEND ON HIS MONEY.


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## momma2four (Aug 9, 2012)

I guess the good thing is I do have a great support system. My parents are only 10 mins away. They would have room to take all of us in if need be. I own my home with my parents I could stay here for the time being, but the property tax is so outrageous and all the util. bills for a large house would probably put me under. I wouldn't make much with my current master's degreee and I would need childcare for 4 kids. How do single parents do it???


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Well, as far as education, take out student loans. Sucks, but that's what they're there for.

And go to a lawyer and find out what your rights are and if what your husband is saying is true or just a scare tactic.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I was a single mom for several years. I had to go on welfare at first, but it was better than being with my ex. I actually had MORE money because he used to spend it on booze instead of paying rent.

I found subsidies for my rent, my daycare, health care etc. I'm in Canada though so I don't know what you'd have available - surely SOMEthing.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Your educated and you can do it alone if you choose to. Many women and men are very successful singe parents. What would you do if he died tomorrow? You'd pick yourself up and make it work.

If you decide to stay and put up with him, because he will cheat again given his history and personality, then I suggest you get regular STD tests so you can treat it quickly.

I also suggest you consider doing stuff like making him fat. Feed him a lot of high calorie foods , make him so ugly no woman would want him.

Get rid of his Mercedes and have him drive a clunker.

Take him off the market.


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## momma2four (Aug 9, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Your educated and you can do it alone if you choose to. Many women and men are very successful singe parents. What would you do if he died tomorrow? You'd pick yourself up and make it work.
> 
> *If you decide to stay and put up with him, because he will cheat again given his history and personality, then I suggest you get regular STD tests so you can treat it quickly.*
> 
> ...


This is definitely my biggest concern. Because *he did NOT use protection *with any of the OWs. There was a scare and we thought he got one of the OW pregnant. Although he said the were "tested and clean". I got checked right away and I was clear. Now what does that matter now if he is still doing it and I don't know.


He also thinks I am trying to make him fat by the amount of food I put on his plate. If I put less he goes for 2nds anyway so idk why it even matters how much I give him.


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> I also suggest you consider doing stuff like making him fat. Feed him a lot of high calorie foods , make him so ugly no woman would want him.
> 
> Get rid of his Mercedes and have him drive a clunker.
> 
> Take him off the market.


before you get rid of it though, put boogers in it. Or better, put a quart of milk under the seat and let it spoil. The smell never leaves. Oh maturity is so overrated.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Um, you put his food on his plate? That's a typo, right?


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## momma2four (Aug 9, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Um, you put his food on his plate? That's a typo, right?


Yes, I make everyone their plate. My husband sits infront of the TV and eats. The kids and I eat at the table. I know that sounds horrible. It's an open room the couch is 3 feet from the table, but it is something he has always done. Idk kinda again a cultural thing for him to eat at a table that is lower I guess.  

When I think about our life it is almost like we are living apart anyway. He leaves the house at 6:30am and gets home around 7pm, eats, whatches T.V. for a few hours then goes to bed. 2 nights a week he plays tennis from 8:30 to 11pm. On the weekend he plays tennis for 3 hrs each day and sometimes takes the kids with him. It just seems like we have drifted apart and with everything that has happened nothing has really changed. I guess that is my clue to get out now before it happens again.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

momma2four said:


> I guess that is my clue to get out now before it happens again.


Best thing you've posted all day.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

So, he thinks you can just "get over" years of spousal abuse/affairs?

What is he? Mad? No! Just a cake eater.


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## momma2four (Aug 9, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> So, he thinks you can just "get over" years of spousal abuse/affairs?
> 
> What is he? Mad? No! Just a cake eater.


I guess that's what he is. He doesn't understand how his actions have devastated my life. I just can't forget it. 

There are so many triggers. I mean he even brought his ex-GF into my house. He said just to use the bathroom that she was scared to death to come in and she just quickly used the bathroom. Does he think I'm stupid to believe that. I know what kind excitement he would have had at that time doing something so forbidden. They probably f*cked in every room. I wish I could sell the house, but in this market it's not gonna happen. 

The OW from near his work would always post when she was coming to our hometown. She has her own cleaning business so everytime she had a job out here she would put it on her Facebook wall. Which is how I found out she was with my husband the night before our Family Picnic. She posted "I'm with #.#." (my husband initials which are very uncommon) so I know she was with him and he didn't get home until 1am that night. Said he was at a work function. 

Just so many things I can't get out of my head and so many more I can just imagine.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

OMG that is HORRIBLE. He sounds like a psychopath.

Psychopathy (/saɪˈkɒpəθi/[1][2] from the Ancient Greek ψυχή "psyche", -soul, mind and πάθος, "pathos" -suffering, disease, condition[3][4]) is a personality disorder that has been variously described as characterized by shallow emotions (in particular reduced fear), stress tolerance, lacking empathy, coldheartedness, lacking guilt, egocentricity, superficial charm, manipulativeness, irresponsibility, nonplanfulness, impulsivity, and antisocial behaviors such as parasitic lifestyle and criminality.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

okay, so I take back what I said to lordmayhem.* Maybe he is NPD after all. 



*(not the hair part, just the NPD part)


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

I don't see the conundrum here. In his mind hes never going to be on the same page when it comes to sex with other woman. 

Either divorce him or prepare to sleep in a bed by yourself when he steps up his game to overnight stays with his girlfriends.(if he hasn't already)


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

You have a right to choose to be a strong woman. Choose yourself and your children! Considering his upbringing and cultural values, he will never change. IMHO, he does not see you as a partner, rather as a servant. Take a deep breath and realize your own self worth and your potential.


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## momma2four (Aug 9, 2012)

I think I may have portrayed him a bit worse than it seems. He has never told me what I can and can not do. If I want to go out with my friends I can and he will stay home and watch the kids. I have access to joint credit cards and joint bank account. He has his own personal bank account but I have the password to see where the money is and how much is going out. He is not controlling or demanding. We have had a lot of good times and it's just been these past 5 years that there were changes. When we found out I was pregnant with my 4th child when my 3rd child was 5 months old he wasn't to happy. Thing is he played 1/2 the roll in that. So 4 kids and 1 income things he felt like he was working but not getting anywhere. It seem that's when (looking back) I noticed some changes in behavior. 

I think for him it comes down to the simple fact that he was to have sex with other women occasionally. He doesn't mind if I have it to, but I don't want an open marriage. He said he has stopped, but becuase I know his feeling I don't think he will stop forever.


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## trish79 (May 25, 2012)

momma2four, speaking from experience with a serial cheater, you could be me about 7 yrs ago. First started with an EA with a coworker, then online porn/chat, two years later another EA (possible PA), two years ago full out found out about multiple one night stands and again last year possible Vegas activities, most recent dday 5/12 - all over again with multiple women since November. I feel like an idiot. I feel like I can't leave b/c of the kids, I have three boys who adore their father. We are living together with no real connection b/c I am unable to connect to a man that has destroyed me. We get along as friends, but I cannot see myself staying married to him, i'm just trying to come up with a plan.
You are married to a man that does not value you as a woman, a mother and his wife. He does not care that he has destroyed your heart and emotional well being. Your pain and anger will begin falling into you being able to raise your children the way you want to emotionally b/c his issues will consume you. This has been me for the last couple of years. 
You deserve better. You deserve love, trust, and most of all hope. Hope in your future and in someone who treats you like the most important person in the world.
I hope you can trust your brain on this one and figure out whats best for you and your kids.


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## momma2four (Aug 9, 2012)

trish79 said:


> momma2four, speaking from experience with a serial cheater, you could be me about 7 yrs ago. First started with an EA with a coworker, then online porn/chat, two years later another EA (possible PA), two years ago full out found out about multiple one night stands and again last year possible Vegas activities, most recent dday 5/12 - all over again with multiple women since November. I feel like an idiot. I feel like I can't leave b/c of the kids, I have three boys who adore their father. *We are living together with no real connection b/c I am unable to connect to a man that has destroyed me. We get along as friends, but I cannot see myself staying married to him, i'm just trying to come up with a plan.
> You are married to a man that does not value you as a woman, a mother and his wife. He does not care that he has destroyed your heart and emotional well being. Your pain and anger will begin falling into you being able to raise your children the way you want to emotionally b/c his issues will consume you. This has been me for the last couple of years. *
> You deserve better. You deserve love, trust, and most of all hope. Hope in your future and in someone who treats you like the most important person in the world.
> I hope you can trust your brain on this one and figure out whats best for you and your kids[/B].


This is pretty much it in a nut shell. It's really really sad. I guess he just doesn't get the big picture. To him the the sexual thrill trumps all. I think oneday he will be sad and it will be way to late.


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## Pinballtim (Jul 16, 2012)

Wow Mamma I feel for you darling.
Your Husband sounds like a real piece of ****. Is it worth it??
I am sure you are a fine woman and there are MANY Good men out there for someone like you. 

Is HE replaceable???
If not, take a good look in the mirror and just say ENOUGH!

Give him an ultimatum, if he doesn't like it...Too damn bad!


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Regret214 said:


> You have a right to choose to be a strong woman. Choose yourself and your children! Considering his upbringing and cultural values, he will never change. IMHO, he does not see you as a partner, rather as a servant. Take a deep breath and realize your own self worth and your potential.


:iagree:

Momma - please read this every morning. You need to find the strength to leave this man. 

You may say he isn't controlling and lets you do what you want...all of that stuff....ok...but he is still controlling! It is a subtle manipulation that gets into your head. My STBXH (I assume) is NPD as well. Or at least has NPD traits. Always about him. His car. His job. He constantly looks at himself in the mirror and fixes his hair. Can't even look at me when I am trying to have a conversation with him b/c he is too busy looking in the mirror!!!

Anyways, I could also do "whatever I wanted". But I never felt I had the actual FREEDOM to do that. His subtle manipulation and guilt trips and constant checking up on me really got into my head. I realize he was controlling now, after leaving him and being away from him for over a month. Every sparse interaction I have had with him since leaving shows him losing his mind b/c he is losing his control over me. And he can't stand it. 

Anyways, I don't mean to ramble. But please. You sound so defeated. You sound so anxious. You sound so hurt!!! And your husband sounds like a self centered d*ckhole. You need to at least seperate from this man to get your head together. You CANNOT make good decisions when you are triggering left and right and feel like you have no emotional support from your spouse.

Stay with your family. Even if its only for the weekend or a week. This man is not healthy for you or your children. What lessons are they learning by mom staying with a serial cheater?


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

An NPD would lie and hide it. They are masters at the cover up/double life and if you confront them will continue to lie or get angry at you. I know as I am divorcing the mother of all narcissists! He just sounds like an arrogant knob. However he could be a somatic narc - they use their bodies and sex and brag about their conquests. Either way he is seriously deluded and messed up

The bit that struck me was when he said he would have cheated with one woman if she had wanted to (to his wife!) Seriously talk about adding insult to injury.
Momma I recommend you try and start detatching from him, this is a seriously toxic relationship for you and your kids. What's better dealing with constant cheating and worry or having your kids see that that is not OK to do. If he sees his mistakes, which he doesn't seem to, there is some hope, but really he sounds like he doesn't even want to change.


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## momma2four (Aug 9, 2012)

The other night I had a nightmare about the A and woke up crying. He woke up and asked me why I was crying. I told him about the dream and he said "wow I really didn't know this was affecting you this much". I said "it's changed my life and I can't keep going on like this." He said "you need to focus on something else in your life or you will never be happy". I said "living with someone I don't trust will never make me happy." I told him to start looking for a place to stay. 

He has relatives coming in from out of the country today. They will be staying for 5 days. I will not be here. I am going to my parents to watch their animals while they are on vacation. I told him last night to be out of the house after his guests leave. He said "I don't need the reminder!" I said "just want to make sure you are looking for a place" and he said "it's none of your business and I'm doing what I need to do and I don't need you telling me what to do." 

So looks like we are on our way to a separation. It shows me right there he doesn't want to fight to save anything. I guess I always knew it since he says "I still need some privacy" and "there are somethings you will never know even if you are my wife". What an a**hole. I can't stand to be around him.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

m2f...while I understand your husband is from a different culture, it sounds like he's watched the movie "Goodfellas" one too many times. What the heck?! "There are some things you will never know even if you are my wife". 

Buuuzzzz!! WRONG answer.

I'm glad you found that inner strength to gather yourself up. You need to do exactly what you're doing today. After reading this entire thread, I'm literally sitting here pissed off at this guy who I don't even know for what he's done to you. It is so f'ng wrong. 

You're right. He's an a-hole. You obviously see that you don't NEED him in your life. Bravo!


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

He does sound NPD - has your IC mentioned this? You may want to do some research on it, it sure helped me deal with my scumbag once I realised what he was. Just a suggestion, as these types can be difficult in a divorce and can use the kids to hurt you.
They are never wrong. Maybe try and read the book 'splitting' by Bill Eddy about what to expect from him in a divorce. I can't recommend enough you look into this, you have been subjected to emotional abuse throughout your marriage and he will continue to do so - please look into it and see if you think he may well be NPD. They are nightmares and leave destruction in their wake, but don't care....


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## trish79 (May 25, 2012)

Momma - sounds like we have the same life, but I'm glad to hear you spoke up for yourself! It's hard I know. Me and mine have had conversations about him leaving, but whats worse is he has been unemployed for several months. He has no where to go. 
Your husband is someone who wants to do what he wants to do and nothing you do or say will cause him to come back or do the right thing. He has to figure out what the right thing is on his own and yes - that may mean he doesn't figure it out.
I've noticed in my own issues at home that I am very codependent and I allow alot of stuff to go on because I think he can't "handle" the kids, or can't "handle" the bills, or can't "handle" stress of any sort. I've let him live his life and go out and do what he wants. All the while I've stayed in teh background doing what needs to get done. You get to a point where you just can't do it anymore.
I hope you find some peace and a little space to really concentrate on yourself and your kids. I look forward to my time at work and at home when he's not there. My house is actually much calmer with him not around.
Message me if you ever want to talk!


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