# Question for Ladies: When a wife says she is "Done," she's done?



## macvspc

I have asked friends about this and I put a post in the Considering Separation or Divorce Forum. See, "Separated for a year and wife wants divorce." Married for 10 together for 12. Two kids.

My wife wants a divorce and has said she is done with our marriage. There is another man in her life and I know about it and have confronted her.

At times I feel like a doormat trying to "win" her back but at times I guess reality hits and says its over move on.

What are your feelings? Is her heart set and I am wasting time? Though its not really a waste of time if I am learning what not to so in next relationship.

Thanks for advice.


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## magnoliagal

A year? Yes she's done.


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## Prodigal

I can't speak for your wife, but can only give you my perspective on the situation. She's done. I can understand that it is painful for you to accept, but it's time to grieve your loss and move on.

When I told my husband I was done, I meant it. The fact your wife is involved with someone else pretty much cements the deal.

Sorry it ended for you, but now the ball is in your court to move on and accept what is.


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## Deejo

By the time your wife says the words, "I'm done."

She has been 'done' in her head for a very long time.

'Winning' a wayward spouse back is an utter fantasy. You need to remove the affair from the equation if you want there to be even a remote possibility of reconciliation.

I say it quite frequently; if you want your wayward spouse back, you need to be completely and firmly prepared to let them go. 

Anything else, and you ARE a doormat.


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## Undertheradar

A few things.

My wife was also "done" with our marriage. However, there is no other man, and she's showing some signs of reconciliation.

I do want to point a few things out.

1) Chasing her is the worst thing you could do. You'll never win her back, by being the "you" that she knows. You may get her attention by being the "you" that she doesn't know. That's a person that does something called the "180". Look it up on this board, you'll be surprised just how wrong you've been handling your situation.

2) If there's another man, there's a 99% chance that she's so involved with him, that you're not in her best interest at the moment.

3) Being separated for a year, and still hanging on, means you need to gain control of yourself. My wife has given me a "virtual separation", meaning that she's physically still living with me, but I know that she's not really here in her heart. During that period, I managed to disconnect myself to a point, where breaking up wouldn't devastate me as much as it would have 6 months ago. As soon as I started to drift away, my wife started showing signs of wanting to work through our issues.
I'm not saying your wife would do the same, because I feel as if maybe she already moved on.
Even if you didn't move on, you need to back off 100%.

Move on, or at least never let her know that you haven't moved on. 

Ignore her as much as you can. Trust me, it's the only way this will resolve itself.


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## Jellybeans

Yeah you need to move on. If she says she is done and has a boyfriend already, she is done. 

The sooner you accept what she is saying, the sooner you can move on.


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## notaname

She is done. Sorry.

Serve her with divorce papers.


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## golfergirl

Jellybeans said:


> Yeah you need to move on. If she says she is done and has a boyfriend already, she is done.
> 
> The sooner you accept what she is saying, the sooner you can move on.


My husband says he's done everytime we have a fight. I've never said it to him. When I say it, I mean it and I am done. I've never gone back to someone I've broken up with - ever. I have worked my a$$ off during the entire relationship, I've communicated my needs, tried to change my faults, but like a lot of people, when I'm done, stick me with a fork I'm done!
Your wife? She's not me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## macvspc

Through all this time I have become more loving and emotional.

My question is:
She thinks this new me is just a game. If I do the "180" isn't that admitting to her that yes I have been playing a game? I started Mort Fertel and also learned much from the Love Dare. 

I understand what you are saying. I need to improve myself if not for her but any woman.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Deejo

Have you broken ties financially? Or are you subsidizing her affair?


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## macvspc

Deejo said:


> Have you broken ties financially? Or are you subsidizing her affair?


Financially I still support my family. I did separate out bank accounts. 

I failed to say the OM lives in another state far away. Not that matters much. 

Thanks to you all for support.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## coffee shop

she's done


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## WhiteRabbit

When a woman is no longer moved to tears by the thought of her man hurting... Then she is done. I would say your wife is in fact done. I'm sorry
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## golfergirl

WhiteRabbit said:


> When a woman is no longer moved to tears by the thought of her man hurting... Then she is done. I would say your wife is in fact done. I'm sorry
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Just curious - is that where you are at WR?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Undertheradar

macvspc said:


> Financially I still support my family. I did separate out bank accounts.
> 
> I failed to say the OM lives in another state far away. Not that matters much.
> 
> Thanks to you all for support.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Is this OM responsible for the separation? Was she having an EA?

And YES, doing the 180 can be more productive, than being emotional and loving.

When my wife first dropped her bomb on me about 5 months ago, I was a train wreck. I never saw it coming, and I found myself really emotional. The people here on this forum, really opened my eyes to certain behavioral patterns, that I never would have known without their support.
I can't stress enough, how important it is, to make every effort to detach yourself from this SITUATION, and make every attempt to move on.

IF there's a chance in the fiery hell, that she'll desire you again, I can assure you, it'll come to light, ONLY after you show her you're ready to move on. PLEASE TAKE MY WORD ON THIS ONE, THE 180 WILL OPEN YOUR EYES AND HERS.

Why don't you start dating? Nothing wrong with it.
If I were in your exact position, I'd start dating. If anything, make it clear to any prospective date, that you're looking for companionship, and you're just coming out of a relationship. There are lots of women that would love to go to a movie, or dinner, and not feel obligated to pursue a relationship. Have some fun.
Do you workout? If not, maybe you should join a gym. That always works.
It's a great way to start feeling better ABOUT YOURSELF.

If my personal situation were to not pan out, I can assure you that I'll be out as much as possible. I'd love to enjoy the presence of another woman, and just have a good time. No need to wait for her. Start enjoying your life.


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## Undertheradar

WhiteRabbit said:


> When a woman is no longer moved to tears by the thought of her man hurting... Then she is done. I would say your wife is in fact done. I'm sorry
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is tough one to guage.

My wife was crying her eyes out, while telling me she didn't want to hurt me.

How do you interpret that?


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## turnera

macvspc said:


> She thinks this new me is just a game. If I do the "180" isn't that admitting to her that yes I have been playing a game?


180 doesn't mean being an a$$hole. It means saying, 'you know, I've learned so much. I've found my issues and I'm fixing them because I should, and the next woman in my life is going to get a great man. So thank you for helping me see. I still love you, but I won't share you with another man, so I guess it's over. I'll see you in court.'


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## WhiteRabbit

Undertheradar said:


> This is tough one to guage.
> 
> My wife was crying her eyes out, while telling me she didn't want to hurt me.
> 
> How do you interpret that?[/
> 
> 
> Like everything there are exceptions. Not calling your wife a sadist b*tch but there are many sadist b*tches around that will use tears to manipulate many men. Most sane women don't use their tears for evil
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Undertheradar

WhiteRabbit said:


> Undertheradar said:
> 
> 
> 
> This is tough one to guage.
> 
> My wife was crying her eyes out, while telling me she didn't want to hurt me.
> 
> How do you interpret that?[/
> 
> 
> Like everything there are exceptions. Not calling your wife a sadist b*tch but there are many sadist b*tches around that will use tears to manipulate many men. Most sane women don't use their tears for evil
> _Posted via Mobile Device_
> 
> 
> 
> She is "what you said" ^^^^^^^^
Click to expand...


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## SunnyT

Husbands do this too..... cry on their way out the door. I don't think it's manipulation, I think it really is sadness. Just cuz they are screwed up and leaving what WE think is a good relationship, doesn't mean it isn't sad to them too.


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## Deejo

WhiteRabbit said:


> When a woman is no longer moved to tears by the thought of her man hurting... Then she is done.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wow. That pulls things into sharp perspective. Very well said.

Macvspc, many have been down this road. Myself included.

I 'hoped' for a very, very, long time.

If you are not in counseling, I strongly urge you to go. Having someone to work through this stuff with is essential. It is NEVER a bad decision to seek out support.

We talk a great deal about limit setting, personal boundaries and being comfortable and confident about the conflict that will always arise as the result of the death of a long term relationship.

Plenty of folks here can relate to where you are, and can provide feedback.


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## mizzy

she is so done, she is moving on be carefull and try not to get hurt its best for you and your kids


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## Laurae1967

turnera said:


> 180 doesn't mean being an a$$hole. It means saying, 'you know, I've learned so much. I've found my issues and I'm fixing them because I should, and the next woman in my life is going to get a great man. So thank you for helping me see. I still love you, but I won't share you with another man, so I guess it's over. I'll see you in court.'


:iagree:

From experience, I can tell you that trying to "win" her back does not work. She's already convinced you aren't worth her time and each time you do something nice or loving, she views it as you groveling and being pathetic. This is not who you are, of course, but in her foggy state, that's what she's seeing. She knows she's got you on a string and so why would she be motivated to take a renewed interest in the marriage? She's living a fantasy with another man with you safely waiting in the wings for backup. This is the worst position for you to be in!

Start focusing on yourself, and disengage from her and her dysfunction. Start living your own life. File for D and start dating, going out with friends, doing stuff with your kids, etc. If she changes her mind and wants you, she'll let you know. Please trust me on this. And then you will have to decide if you really want her back or not.


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## turnera

You can always get back together later, even if you divorce.


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## Runs like Dog

A good rule of thumb is that there's a 99% likelihood that whatever any woman is telling you is half bull**** and the other half is subject to change at whim.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

I said it to my H and I'll say it here.
No means no and done means done.
I think it took me renting a place to get the message across.
He cried up to that point and then abruptly stopped crying and started posting again on his rock climbing site about his gear rack. Like about an hour later (likely took him that long to read the posts he was replying to...) That was all I needed to know. If I go on the rock climbing site now it is just to find climbing partners when I have time to go, under a new user name there...but so far have plenty of people to climb with, without doing that. Phhhht. 
Anyway, so much for the crying stuff.


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## AtALoss80

I'll disagree with many on here and say never say never. My current ex-husband and I divorced 3 years ago. I said I was 100% done, he was not. Three months later I decided to work it out and we got back together. We stayed together a year and again, everything went sour and I said I was done again. He was as well. Just recently, I've tried to get him to discuss reconciling, and we have (he even has a GF), and I'm waiting on his decision. When she says she's DONE, she doesn't always mean it, even if there is another person. Keep trying!


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## sexuallyfustrated

golfergirl said:


> My husband says he's done everytime we have a fight. I've never said it to him. When I say it, I mean it and I am done. I've never gone back to someone I've broken up with - ever. I have worked my a$$ off during the entire relationship, I've communicated my needs, tried to change my faults, but like a lot of people, when I'm done, stick me with a fork I'm done!
> Your wife? She's not me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree::iagree::iagree:
I backed tracked once in my early teens before I meet my husband and I still wish to this day that I hadn't. I no longer hate him but I could really care less rather he lived or died. It was then that I sai that when I say I done i am done. I put my al in my relationship and like the other women in my family it takes a lot for us to say when. When I say we endure MAN DO WE and I have watched most of them take men back that have treated them less than. Serial cheaters, serial cheaters have outside kids, serial cheater that beat them and not provide for them. Like you golfergirl said I'm not your wife but when I say I'm done there is no going back. And thats my reason for trying to make my marriage wk becuase if it doesn't what he may feel later won't matter. It would take a act of christ for me to take him back. To me it won't be worth it.


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## Jellybeans

sexuallyfustrated said:


> I no longer hate him but I could really care less rather he lived or died.
> 
> It would take a act of christ for me to take him back.


:rofl: Unintentionally funny!


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## michzz

Undertheradar said:


> This is tough one to guage.
> 
> My wife was crying her eyes out, while telling me she didn't want to hurt me.
> 
> How do you interpret that?


As just more crap a cheater says as they mess with you.

My wife said the same thing.

Whatever else cheating is, it is a deliberate hostile act. Especially if it continues after being found out.


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## turnera

> I no longer hate him but I could really care less rather he lived or died.


The true sign of when a person is truly done is not hatred, but apathy. When you no longer matter.


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## SeekingHope

I couldn't tell you if she says what she means by "she's done". Why take a year to finally file for divorce if she is "done". HOWEVER, she has known all this time that she's got her cake, and can eat it too at any time (so to speak) since you are waiting in the wings for her to come back. Try moving on. For real though, not pretend. If she is truly done, it will be a healthy move for you as you will be getting on with your life. If she really wasn't done, it might just be the wake up call she needed. Either way, you need to start putting yourself first. Good luck.


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## simplybehappy

just to share: 

i went from "what?" in the beginning + all the emotional ups and downs n her giving me crap for "the emotional negligence", to finding out about myself and my flaws, to finding out about the affair (with someone she met for only a few days no less), confronting her, her apologizing than blaming it on me for it, than going back to giving me crap AND me having to actually accept that she's having an affair n SMILE.

yes, i am on the insensitive side, no it is not that i have not tried to be affectionate, but due to events in our lives n the fights we had in the past simply cos our egos got in the way, i'd say it wasn't totally my fault. still, she decided her heart died long ago, and since then she's been been me crap daily.

been trying to adjust my attitude and mindset. gotta live for myself n my son. was doing the "loving u unconditionally" n "will wait for u" for a month+. yesterday decided to screw it. I have been her doormat for the past 3 mths. if there was a chance of reconciliation, it was all blown to hell the moment she screwed this man, cos according to her, he is the type of man that can give her what i can't. she's not moved out yet cos she needs time to get on her feet. she's already made plans w the new man, n she can't wait to sign the divorce papers in a few mths.

I think what one of the comments here says is correct. if this is the behaviour pattern exhibited, it doesn't matter whether she means it or not, or whether there is a chance or not. cos as long as the situation doesn't change, u will always be the doormat, while she is happily moving on w her life. work on urself 1st. in any negotiation, the ability to walk away is the key to winning. so, we must be ready to walk away from this crap.

not be an *******; but to simply not take crap from her. don't have to quarrel. just a smile, ok, take the words or actions she said/did n chuck them into a mental dustbin, and walk away. it doesn't mean u don't love her either, it just means u have dignity and integrity. u respect urself enuf to walk away from a bad situation. u love urself. AND if there is even a chance in hell that there is a possible reconciliation, she will let u know. then, the ball is on ur court. by that time, u might not even want it anymore. 

2 cents


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## Jellybeans

This thread is from 2011.


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