# Why was I afraid of my husband?



## Kassi (11 mo ago)

I have been afraid of my husband for years, and I don't know why. I have literally been afraid he would hurt me, though he never has. My husband believes that I have been physically abusive towards him, and there are times that has been true. I am concerned that I may have been repeating or otherwise misattributing wounds from my childhood. My parents argued a lot, and there was always the possibility of violence, though only in minor ways. Looking back, my mom often made it look like she had been abused, though she was generally more abusive. I was often expected to meet my mother's emotional needs. I was not physically abused, though in my teen years my mom sometimes had my dad physically restrain me (hold me down) when I got overly emotional. No one drank alcohol in family growing up. My mom would cover my dad's eyes if a family movie had a racy bit.

My husband moved out in early December, following a big fight in which I got angry about everything and the kitchen sink. I said he was sexist, though I later tried to take that back. I said I felt bullied, and I implied he was abusive. We have a 5 yr old child, and we are currently progressing through the divorce process reasonably amicably.

My husband has problems with alcohol and binge drinking. My own patterns with alcohol have also been problematic the last couple years. I filed for divorce fairly quickly, since I had previously seen a divorce attorney in May. I filed so that I could have a restraining order placed (now a a divorce agreement) stating that neither of us can drink around our child. After the first couple weeks of separation, he appears to have pulled the problems regarding alcohol together. We are both seeing individual therapists. I am open to reconciling, but he is not. So, we are moving through the divorce process.

Regarding possible abuse (from both of us):

A couple years' before our child, he got drunk on a weeknight. He woke me up around 3 am when he clumsily came to bed, and I could not go back to sleep. Before I left for work, I poured a cup of cold water on him before I left for work.

From the time our daughter was 6 months old to about 2.5 yrs old, there were problems with inappropriate urination. He wet the bed a couple times, urinated in her baby swing once, and frequently "missed the mark" when using the restroom before bed. I cleaned these messes. Sometimes, I tried to talk with him regarding these problems. He usually just stared at me. One time, I asked him to clean the bathroom when he woke up, but he did a poor job.

One night, I was tired of cleaning his messes. He woke me up when he came to bed around 3 am, and I sleepily went in to use the restroom. I didn't notice that the toilet seat was wet or the puddles on the floor before I sat down. My socks and backside were soaked. While in the shower, I decided I would wake him up so he could see the mess he made. However, he was passed out. In order to wake him, I yelled loudly and I literally pushed him out of bed. Later on, I was standing in from of the doorway to the bathroom yelling for him to come see his mess. I think he was trying to move me out of the doorway by my shoulders, but his hands instead went around my neck (loosely). I told him I was going to take our child and get out for the house, and after we left he punched a hole in the wall.

When our child was about a year old, my career started falling apart. I lost a job I had had for 5 yrs. My boss told me "I didn't handle stress as well since becoming a mother." I worked 4 jobs over the next two years, but I just couldn't make anything work. I was having trouble remembering things and retaining new information. I saw several doctors for a variety of symptoms that were hard to identify. Sometimes there were spots in my vision, I was easily confused. It was just weird. After I lost the 4th job, my husband suggested I stay at home with our child, which I did in 2019 and 2020. This worked out well due to covid, but I was resentful because I blamed my husband, and motherhood, for the demise of my career. I was bitter, and bitterness isn't good for marriage. In spring 2020, a past employer contacted me and asked me to come back and work for them, and I went back to work part time.

While I was home, and during quarantine, I was too much in the habit of drinking with my husband. I told myself that it was good for a husband and wife to spend time together. It was not the right choice. The urination concerns were no longer a problem, so I told myself everything was fine. It wasn't. Our weekends revolved around alcohol. Start drinking on Friday around 5 or 6 pm, and I would go to bed around 1 am. He would stay up and drink until about 3 am. The first few hours were somewhat a time for us to connect, but around 11 or 12 he would become very silent, and just drink until he fell asleep. Sometimes he fell asleep on the porch, the couch, or at his desk. Usually, I got up around 3 am to check and see if he was safe and check the house (he often left the doors unlocked).

One time, I found him at 6 am the next morning passed out drunk on the couch with his pants around his thighs and porn live streaming on the tv. It was a time of instability, though I was part of the problem. After he went to bed, I realized the porn was streaming for a Reddit account I didn't know he had. He had sometimes left comments on videos, though not often. We had an argument about the Reddit account, though he felt that I had violated his trust, we agreed on adding the rule "no social interaction for sexual gratification."

During quarantine, we had a couple "date nights" where we arranged for our child to spend the night with family and we stayed in and both drank heavily and watched porn. Porn isn't really my thing, but I wanted to spend time together, and there weren't many options during quarantine. I agreed, but I realized afterwards that this had not been something that I was comfortable with.

Last November, I found out that a child in my husband's family had twice spent the night under the same roof as her uncle, who is a convicted pedophile on parole. I reported this situation to the authorities, and my husband threatened to end our marriage "if this happens again".

We started seeing a marriage therapist abut this time.

Over the course of about the last year, I increasingly found it difficult to have sex with my husband. I kept trying, but I found it very difficult to share intimacies with him. Eventually, even kissing him was difficult for me.

Last May, I found a charge to a joint credit card for the site Only Fans. I used his computer to log in while he was at work, I found out he had been paying two women money for sexual content. I was very hurt, and we had an angry fight that night. He said that it was not social interaction because he had not messaged them or made requests, he was just paying for their main feed which was just porn. That fight got very big and very hurtful. He said things to me like "you can't keep a f*ing job." and I'm sure I said some hurtful things too. I saw a divorce lawyer after that fight, though I decided to try to work things out.

I started talking with my husband about relocating, possibly closer to my family, so that I could return to school. We agreed, and we were working towards this goal.

Last August, my husband got drunk during the week on our child's first week of Kindergarten. I had 2 glasses of wine that night as well, and went to bed at a reasonable hour. He came to bed very drunk and woke me around 3 am. The next morning, I got our child ready for school by myself and dropped her off before I went in to work. I sent him a text message and told him that I would pick her up, because I was concerned that he may be too hung over or still drunk at pick up time. We had an argument over text, but I held my ground. While I was at work, I felt very afraid. I seriously considered buying pepper spray to keep under my pillow, even though he had never physically hurt me. After this, we both agreed to stop drinking, though he ignored me every time I asked him to empty the liquor cabinet.

During the time neither of us were drinking, I was working with my therapist on forgiveness. However, I just couldn't do it.

In the fall, I bought the book "Sex without Stress" so we work could work on our relationship together. He listed to the audio book at the gym, and I read the paper book. We tried an activity from that book, and that was awkward but ok. We had a conversation during this time where he was scared for our marriage, and I agreed that I was scared also. We were seeing a marriage therapist about once a month during this time due to the cost.

In October or November, I told him that I tend to disconnect during sex, and also that I find his kisses with a lot of tongue too pushy. I asked if we could just go as far as I was comfortable, and stop when I got uncomfortable. He agreed. For about as week, I just kissed him. I enjoyed it. A couple times I helped him finish after I was done, a couple times he finished by himself. But the last time after I was done, he went in the other room to watch porn. A day or two later, we had a conversation about how it had hurt my feelings when he went to watch porn, and he thanked me for communicating with him about it, but I couldn't interact with him sexually after that without being completely closed of emotionally. I couldn't bear for him to touch or kiss me.

Then, a month or so later, we got into our last fight. It was about finances, but it was about everything. I was so angry, but I didn't know I was angry. He moved out. Since then, in many ways, life is easier.

Last month, as a result of a mediation with our lawyers present, I needed to return his gun to him. I was afraid to return it. After a conversation with my sister, she suggested that maybe instability and threats of violence that had been a part of our childhood were the reasons I was afraid to return his gun, not my husband's behavior. I returned his gun, and I stopped being afraid of him. I was finally able to forgive after I stopped being afraid of him.

I absolutely recognize that there are very big problems in this narrative. I also recognize that while I open to reconciling, my husband is not. However, I don't see an actual reason why I have been physically afraid of my husband. But I know I have been. I would really appreciate thoughts on this point. Right now, I am concerned that I have let childhood wounds destroy my marriage.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Kassi said:


> My husband moved out in early December, following a big fight in which I got angry about everything and the kitchen sink. I said he was sexist, though I later tried to take that back. I said I felt bullied, and I implied he was abusive. We have a 5 yr old child, and we are currently progressing through the divorce process reasonably amicably.
> 
> I have been afraid of him for years, and I don't know why. I have literally been afraid he would hurt me, though he never has. There have been problems, but I don't know why I have been afraid. He believes that I have been physically abusive towards him, and there are times that has been true.
> 
> ...


Wow there’s a lot here.
At the end you’re wondering if you let your childhood experiences destroy your marriage. Judging from this story you’ve written I’d say yes, it’s possible, at least for your part of the marriage. But it looks like he’s no saint either.

Between the alcohol issues and allowing porn into your marriage, I can’t say I’m surprised at where you ended up.

I‘m a pro-marriage person but I definitely think some time alone and in counseling for you and the same for him, would do you both good.

How is your daughter through all this? If I were you I’d focus on protecting her right now while fixing yourself. Don’t let her childhood ruin her future relationships by seeing what happens in yours.


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## Kassi (11 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Wow there’s a lot here.
> At the end you’re wondering if you let your childhood experiences destroy your marriage. Judging from this story you’ve written I’d say yes, it’s possible, at least for your part of the marriage. But it looks like he’s no saint either.
> 
> Between the alcohol issues and allowing porn into your marriage, I can’t say I’m surprised at where you ended up.
> ...


Thank you. We are honestly co-parenting pretty well. She is seeing a play therapist, and seems to be adapting fairly well. Some mistakes have been made along the way. In the beginning, I had difficulty letting her stay with him and trusting him not to drink. However, I saw that was hurting her, and that he is really focusing on her, so I have been letting go. My parents visited from out of state and stayed with me for awhile in December, and they fought a lot. It was not a good environment for a child. So I sent my child to dad's new apartment while I focused on getting my parents out of my house (i.e. I threatened to call the cops because they refused to stop cleaning my garage). That helped me realize that I needed to trust my husband as a co-parent.

Time to myself is exactly what I need right now. I start a new job next week that I am excited about, I'm registered for school locally in the fall, I'm redecorating the house (yay power tools!) and I took a kayaking lesson last week. I just wish I could have time to myself now, and a marriage later on.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Kassi said:


> I threatened to call the cops because they refused to stop cleaning my garage


Sorry, I had to laugh. Of all the things I’ve been mad at my parents about this never came up 
I‘m really glad to hear your daughter has a stable environment.

Now dial up a counselor and start dealing with your childhood stuff. Get your soon to be ex hubby out of your mind for now and get your head right. You don’t want to sabatoge every future relationship going forward.

Would you say that most of your fear about your husband being physical is only when drinking is involved? Or do you have that fear regardless?


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

OP, it sounds like you are going to need an extensive amount of conciliing and therapy before you are ever to be ready for another relationship. If not, it will likely end the same way. That goes for your husband as well. A fear of someone who has never given reason for you to fear him is irrational.


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## Kassi (11 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Sorry, I had to laugh. Of all the things I’ve been mad at my parents about this never came up
> I‘m really glad to hear your daughter has a stable environment.
> 
> Now dial up a counselor and start dealing with your childhood stuff. Get your soon to be ex hubby out of your mind for now and get your head right. You don’t want to sabatoge every future relationship going forward.
> ...


Thanks. I am seeing a therapist, I have been seeing her for over about a year now. 

Yeah, the cleaning the garage thing is funny. I giggled as I typed it. It is also totally true. My parents are very helpful. Sooo helpful. Patronizingly helpful. Controllingly helpful. As in, deliberately crossing boundaries when I specifically said to stop doing that specific helpful action, kind of helpful.

Tonight, I'm wondering if maybe my fear about my husband being physical was more about knowing that I had to stand up to him than anything else. Direct disobedience (or general disagreement) was not permitted in my home growing up, and often came with punishment and guilt trips.

I agree that this is the time to focus on me, and establishing my household as a safe place for me and my child. I just wish my husband was amenable to pausing the divorce process to allow time for individual healing. I asked, but he is "angry and dumbfounded".


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## Kassi (11 mo ago)

Tested_by_stress said:


> OP, it sounds like you are going to need an extensive amount of conciliing and therapy before you are ever to be ready for another relationship. If not, it will likely end the same way. That goes for your husband as well. A fear of someone who has never given reason for you to fear him is irrational.


Thank you. That was really my question. I wanted the opinions of strangers regarding whether he had given me reason to be afraid of him or not.

Its funny how healing has layers like an onion. I didn't even know I had been angry until we separated. Then I realized that I had been angry because I had been afraid. Now I'm realizing, that I don't even know why I was afraid.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You have had a chaotic marriage with some unpredictable behaviors and things to deal with. Things have just been very rocky and not stable. That alone could make you have fear. Probably your life and your parents house is also contributing. And he did put his hands on you that time. Your fears are not unfounded but they are probably exaggerated. 

You had a very unstable life together I think that's enough to cause fear of what could happen next.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Kassi said:


> Tonight, I'm wondering if maybe my fear about my husband being physical was more about knowing that I had to stand up to him than anything else. Direct disobedience (or general disagreement) was not permitted in my home growing up, and often came with punishment and guilt trips.


This makes really good sense.
And a good therapy topic too.

Unfortunately, it sounds like the divorce will move ahead. But take heart that you won’t be alone forever. You may even reconnect with hubby in the future if you both step away and eventually see what you meant to each other.

You wrote that “gifts” post. I knew I recognized your name. That was a really touching post, it made me sad for you.

Im hoping for the best for you and your family. It sounds to me like you’re doing all the right things and just need to work through it. Trying to place blame or understand what went wrong exactly is really hard, relationships are hard and unless there’s cheating or something, you both own 100% of your 50%.


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## Kassi (11 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> This makes really good sense.
> And a good therapy topic too.
> 
> Unfortunately, it sounds like the divorce will move ahead. But take heart that you won’t be alone forever. You may even reconnect with hubby in the future if you both step away and eventually see what you meant to each other.
> ...


Thanks. I know this post was a bit raw and uncouth (and long), but I felt like I couldn't honestly ask for the opinions of strangers without being honest about what my marriage had become. I know he is hurting, too. We have both made mistakes, and we have both hurt each other.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Kassi said:


> Thanks. I know this post was a bit raw and uncouth (and long), but I felt like I couldn't honestly ask for the opinions of strangers without being honest about what my marriage had become. I know he is hurting, too. We have both made mistakes, and we have both hurt each other.


Your mega post was fine, long but fine. Plenty of detail which is better than the opposite!

Interestingly I couldn’t find how long you and your husband were together and how long you were married.

Yea, messy marriages nearly always have both hurting the other. Emotions run so high, pain, frustration, anger, mistrust, on and on. Don’t beat yourself up about that stuff, you can think it over later as you heal.

At the end be satisfied that what you’re doing now is right, and healthy, and what your daughter needs. And that has to be enough.


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## Kassi (11 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Your mega post was fine, long but fine. Plenty of detail which is better than the opposite!
> 
> Interestingly I couldn’t find how long you and your husband were together and how long you were married.
> 
> ...


Thank you. We were married 12 years and our child is 5. I've seen my parents marriage. They are still together, but fight nonstop. My mom insults my dad constantly and complains that he doesn't lover her enough/the right way/some other fault. I know from experience that hurts a child also. We are both dedicated to protecting our child's voice through this process. She doesn't have agency regarding the decisions of grown ups, but hopefully we can make sure she knows that her needs are getting heard.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

I don't see how either one of you can stand the other. 

Did you both have alcohol problems prior to marriage? 

I can't imagine raising a child in this environment. 

How are you losing 4 jobs in such a short period of time? If you do get divorced, what is your plan going forward for not getting fired from a job? 


What are you looking for here at TAM? Both of you have serious issues to get over just so you can focus enough to raise your child. I don't think you two should be in the same home.


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## OddOne (Sep 27, 2018)

Did your fear of your husband begin before your daughter was born or did it start after? 

Was the pregnancy planned in the hope that it would mend an already struggling marriage or did one or both of you feel comfortable with your station in life and think "now is a good time to have a child(ren)"? 

What were the circumstances of how you and your husband came to be together? 

My guess, and please correct me if I'm wrong, is that the man who would become your husband came at a time when you were seeking, consciously or not, a rescuer, a role he obviously accepted but has since come to regret and become burned out by. Add to that whatever issues of his own he may have had prior to you and him getting together, and it's not a good mix in the long-run.


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## Kassi (11 mo ago)

OddOne said:


> Did your fear of your husband begin before your daughter was born or did it start after?
> 
> Was the pregnancy planned in the hope that it would mend an already struggling marriage or did one or both of you feel comfortable with your station in life and think "now is a good time to have a child(ren)"?
> 
> ...



Thanks. I don't remember feeling afraid of him before our child was born. The pregnancy was planned, but the timing was because I was 35, and some doctors/websites/people say that it can become more difficult to have children after 35. We were not in a great place in our marriage, but it wasn't a bad place either. My husband was in school, nearing graduation, and under a lot of pressure. I was working full time with a company I had been with 5 years, but I was not happy at my job. My husband was working part time for a company he liked working for. After graduation, he took a position with a company he did not like because it paid well. He was not happy at work for several years, though that position eventually (a couple years ago) opened up an opportunity he does like.

I do agree that in the beginning of our relationship I was looking for a rescuer, which isn't a great foundation. I was 27 when we met, 28 when we married. I had a little difficulty finding a job when I first relocated, but after that my employment was steady. Until our child came along, we maintained separate finances and my income helped to support our household while he was in school.

We have both done too much resenting each other for our individual disappointments. He has told me that he would not have taken the position he did after school if he had not had a family, he would have instead chosen a position he was offered with a 5 month training program out of state. I have reminded him that I sacrificed for him while he was in school by staying with an employer where I was not happy. I expected him to look for a job nearer my family after graduation, which was a plan we had agreed on prior to marriage. That did not happen, and I was disappointed. Now that I look back on my childhood, I'm glad we didn't relocate, but that is another conversation.


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## OddOne (Sep 27, 2018)

So the state of the marriage was, more or less, incidental to the decision to have children. Or at least not the major deciding factor. Have you explored the possibility of postpartum depression? 

So, just to ask the rather obvious question: Do you think you could be transferring your parents onto your husband?


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## Kassi (11 mo ago)

OddOne said:


> So the state of the marriage was, more or less, incidental to the decision to have children. Or at least not the major deciding factor. Have you explored the possibility of postpartum depression?
> 
> So, just to ask the rather obvious question: Do you think you could be transferring your parents onto your husband?


I saw a therapist for a little while for postpartum depression. I had an emergency C-section, which was not planned or budgeted for. I was working long hours, and taking calls bill collectors calling about hospital bills on my lunch break while trying to get my husband through school. Breast feeding didn't work out for me, I had mom guilt over that. My husband was drinking starting when she was about 6 months old. I was promoted to department manager when my child was 3 months old, then demoted when she was about 6 months old. After I was demoted, my husband told me I should sue my employer, since he had told me that I didn't handle stress as well after becoming a mom. I didn't want to. I quit, they paid me a small settlement amount to make sure I stayed quiet. It was a rough patch, and its impossible to figure out what caused what. But, that time passed. My husband found a job that allowed us to catch up on bills, though he hated that job, and our child is now 5 yrs old and just an amazing child.

I am currently trying to figure out how my childhood affected my marriage. I think I had an unconscious mommy martyr mentality that I'm only now starting to recognize. During the time I was working the four jobs, I was running hard all the time, trying to get my career back on track, but just flailing around. I took a class, I was always starting a new job. I had a young child. Self care wasn't really a thing I thought about, I was busy. Before our child, my husband and were basically two separate people who dated and lived together. We didn't fully combine our lives. At the very least, I do not have a good role model for how to be a healthy part of a family.

About 8 months after I started staying home with our child, the first of the four employers called and asked if I would come back (that position had ended due to budgeting concerns). That was at the beginning of covid, so my husband and I decided I would continue to stay home. They called again a year later, and I went back to work for them part time, though I wasn't making much. I have been working there for 8 months, but I start a new full time position later this week that I am excited about.

Regarding transferring my parents to my husband- yes, maybe? That's what I'm exploring now. It is a new thought for me. The time I spent bouncing around jobs and as a stay at home mom was a scary time for me. I felt powerless, and resentful. My husband was telling me everything was fine, I just needed to relax. That is part of why I was doing more drinking with him, though it did not help with my feelings of powerlessness at all. These things are enough to kill a marriage, but now that we are separated and things are calmer, I realize that I felt not just general fear, but fear of my husband. I don't know where that fear came from. It didn't happen all at once, it grew gradually over the past few years.


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## redmarshall (11 mo ago)

I wish people were as exact as you when they are articulate things that have happened and things that you feel have gone wrong. In general I think your self awareness is praise worthy and your ability to have that feedback loop to look at something and analyse it to say ‘ok, shouldn’t have done that’. There are plenty of decisions in life that we take for one reason or another but it impossible to gauge how it’s going to turn out eventually. And I think that holds true in your case as well. I do think your husband could have behaved better with regards to drinking, and maybe one of you two could have been the soberer one to say, ok, that’s enough.

Your decision to have a child was a measured one as well, being mindful of the biological clock. And I think you both are better for it. Despite circumstances I think you both have a good bond, what that means for the future of the relationship only time will tell. I also agree with you on the part of holding on to the divorce while you just figure things out. Best of luck to you. And thanks for sharing your story.


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