# Struggling because of my kids



## lovemykids2 (Apr 22, 2013)

My wife recently admitted she has been having and EA with someone on and off for the past 4 years. She said mostly off but since this past September it has been the strongest. I was completely shocked but not devastated. The thing is, this person lives in another country. She met him when she was a teenager, and says he was her first love. We are in our mid 30's and have a 5 yr old and a 20 month old. We were closest in our marriage after the birth of our first child, then we started to drift apart. I take responsibility for my part of not showing enough affection, appreciation, and love. I can be an emotionally distant person and know I need to work through those issues on my own. She told me she does not ever think she was "in love" with me. We have been married for almost 9 years, together for 11 and have been friends since we were 17 years old.

We have agreed to go to therapy and have our first appointment in a few weeks. I am feeling like I owe it to my children to try and save the marriage. I don't believe she never was in love with me. I think it is easy to feel like that when there is someone another person you are in a relationship with. Although I am not "in love" with her either, I love her as a person. I have told her I am 100% committed to trying to save the marriage. She has told me she is not sure she is. 

The person that she is having an EA with has left his girlfriend of 5 years because of their relationship (according to my wife). It is not possible for my wife to be with him overseas because of our children. He would have to move to the US with no job and it would be very difficult for them to have a full blown relationship. She has these feelings for him and they say I love you to each other. This seems like more of a fantasy than a reality. At the same time, I do want her to be happy and I want to be happy with or without her, and know I will be.

So it brings things back to the kids. I am very close to my 5 yr old and I fear this will devastate him. I know they will be well cared for. My wife has a wonderful family all of whom I trust and love as if they were my own. I travel for work a lot and will live an hour away so time with my kids will be cut significantly. I don't want that but know it will be the case if we separate. 

People on TAM have told me therapy is a waste of money, and should file for divorce. I have started to feel anger towards my wife for basically cheating on me emotionally for 4 out of our 9 years of marriage. I am also having a hard time understanding why she would have a second child with me if this has been going on. She has admitted that it is f'd up and thinks she needs therapy as well. I have not regrets, my children mean the world to me. 

I told her today that I was starting to feel anger towards her. I can and will keep it together for my kids. I told her that I think she should leave if she decides she is not going to stop contact with this other man and put 100% into trying to save the marriage. She agreed that this would be our topic of discussion in our 1st therapy session. 

My 5 yr old is in school until mid June. I do not want to turn his life upside down but am really starting to struggle that my wife is carrying on a relationship with someone under our roof. Since she has told me, she now covers up when she is out of the shower getting ready, almost like me seeing her is like she is cheating on him. 

Any advice? Should I ask her to leave (means the kids go too)? Is a separation a good idea to see if we truly do not want to save this marriage and our family? Do I wait until my 5 yr old finishes Pre school in June or do it now?


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Wow, where to start? Sorry you are experiencing this. 
The pull of an EA is devastating to a marriage and your wife probably feels she has real love for this guy but I doubt whether it really is.
Does your wife want to save the marriage?
You have to treat this like any other affair.

Demand no contact and Expose the A to the OMW.
Make sure your MC is clued up on EAs and their impact on a marriage and ensure she is also pro marriage and anti affair.
You and your wife need to read 'not just friends' by Shirley Glass.
Your wife is blame shifting and her A 'fog' is making everything in your marriage appear negative. She has emotionally checked out of the marriage and it will be a long time before she checks back in. She is engulfed in her fantasy life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lovemykids2 (Apr 22, 2013)

The other man does not have a wife, he is in another country and I do not know how to contact him so that will not help.

My wife has said she is not sure she is 100% committed to saving the marriage and that she is not going to stop talking with the other man at this point.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Well if that's the case, there is no point in attending MC while she is still in her A.
You do know you can't 'nice' her out of this don't you?
Unless she sees consequences to her actions she will never stop.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Well if that's the case, there is no point in attending MC while she is still in her A.
> You do know you can't 'nice' her out of this don't you?
> Unless she sees consequences to her actions she will never stop.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lovemykids2 (Apr 22, 2013)

wiigirl said:


> :iagree:
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I got the cell bill and saw almost 100 texts back and forth over the last month. There was a cost since they are international. I blew a gasket, told her I refused to fund her affair under our roof and asked her to leave. Unfortunately she has to take the kids. I need to cool down so it is better for them. I told her she needs to decide if she is going to have NC and commit to our marriage by the time we go to therapy. If she is unwilling to stop contact, therapy will be used to help with the transition to divorce and how we can minimize the effect on the kids. I realized I am not the problem. She betrayed me for the past 4 years, even had another child with me, all along having these feelings for someone else. She gave me a false sense of security with our family. I think she know understands that I am not going to roll over and let this happen. I have laid out real consequences...now I going to focus on myself and my kids. I got her OM's cell from the text records and sent him
A message thanking him for his part in ruining my family. Let him know it was wrong and he will reap what he sows. I could not help it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Sorry to be so blunt but what makes you so sure that a SINGLE (unmarried) guy has never visited from out of the country to see your wife?

After a betrayl like this (going on for years) I would certainly consider DNA testing for the kids.

If she's so easily wooed by some guy from here distant past, I would think she's a relatively easy target for someone closer by.


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## Nicola12 (Apr 1, 2013)

Sorry you are going through this. You asked about your 5 year old and the impacts: I think that if you D, it is good for a child to have some routine. Maybe going to school each day will provide some normal routine where they can be away from the problems at home. The 5 year old will be okay if there is a sense of love and caring family which it definitely sounds like there is.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Always remember that given the choice, kids would rather BE from a broken home than LIVE in one!


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