# He's mad I don't work



## RubyRed (Jun 21, 2013)

My husband has been blaming me a lot lately for things. He always was supportive of the fact that I was a stay at home mom, but now he tells me everyday that I need to get a job. I don't have much experience and I didn't go to college, so if I get a job, it will only pay for child care. What's the point if I could just watch my own child for free? 

He's putting a lot of blame on me but he has been skipping work. He plays computer games and goes to bed late. If I try to wake him up in the morning, he yells at me and blames me for whatever comes to his head. If I don't wake him up on time, he blames me too. 

When he comes home from work, he eats dinner I make, then falls asleep on the couch. I take care of the baby all day and all night. After the baby goes to sleep, he wakes up and plays computer games all night.

The cycle repeats itself.

Sometimes he doesn't let me access money. He says I treat him like a bag of money. I NEED money to buy diapers. He has only been supporting us for about 4 months. We spent the past year at my mom's house who didn't charge us rent or utilities. 

I'm at a loss. I'm sick of being treated bad. I don't know how to get through to him.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

You're in a controlling relationship, its damaging. If you get a job, which you need to do, you need to do it for you so you can break free from this chaos. All women need some form of income in case something like this arises, so they don't feel stuck IMO. And it helps to create some independence.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

What you do is get a job now. First of all, if your hb leaves you will have to get a job anyway. What if he just refuses to work? You have no options and are completely dependent, not a good place from which to bargain or make demands. Also, you can't think of it solely in terms of money for daycare; it's also to get you into the workforce do you can start advancing. You will have to do it eventually except that you'll be much older, which will make it harder, and of you are still married to this guy he will control you with money. If he starts treating you poorly you will have no options, which he will because he doesn't want you to be a sahm, doesn't respect you, and he also knows you can't go anywhere. Having a sahp can only work when both partners are on board, you don't have that. Get a job now so you will have your own options.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Can your Mother watch your baby while you work for free or low-cost?

Look, he doesn't really want to support you & your child financially alone plus he has a lazy work attitude that could get him fired.

If you were my daughter, I would advise you to go to college now in a degree program that will land you a good-paying job. You can do this online & still watch your baby.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

RubyRed said:


> I don't know how to get through to him.


I don't think you can because there's too much of a disconnect between how he thinks compared to how reality is. He made grownup choices to marry and have kids but he wasn't ready or capable supporting himself much less a family.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Emerald said:


> Can your Mother watch your baby while you work for free or low-cost?
> 
> Look, he doesn't really want to support you & your child financially alone plus he has a lazy work attitude that could get him fired.
> 
> If you were my daughter, I would advise you to go to college now in a degree program that will land you a good-paying job. You can do this online & still watch your baby.


:iagree:
This is no way to live and raise children. I don't think you can count on him getting his act together but you can work on getting yours together and getting yourself prepared.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

So... you don't work and he isn't working much lately.

How are you supporting yourselves and your children financially?

Get a job. Find out what is going on w/ him. Is he depressed? The bottom line is it sounds like he needs your help financially and as his wife, you should help him. Have you looked for any jobs?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

AgentD said:


> If you get a job, which you need to do, you need to do it for you so you can break free from this chaos. All women need some form of income in case something like this arises, so they don't feel stuck IMO. And it helps to create some independence.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> So... you don't work and he isn't working much lately.
> 
> How are you supporting yourselves and your children financially?
> 
> Get a job. Find out what is going on w/ him. Is he depressed? The bottom line is it sounds like he needs your help financially and as his wife, you should help him. Have you looked for any jobs?



I agree, and I would add that nobody is entitled to stay home and not contribute financially while their spouse shoulders the financial burden of the house, even if kids are involved. These arrangements need to be agreed upon by both spouses. The whole arrangement of the sahm and/ or housewife has only been around for the past 80 years or so. Prior to that both spouses worked in their respective functions because taking care of a house and farm really was a full time job for many people. Half the reason to have more kids was to have more work help at home.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

AgentD said:


> You're in a controlling relationship, its damaging. If you get a job, which you need to do, you need to do it for you so you can break free from this chaos. *All women need some form of income in case something like this arises*, so they don't feel stuck IMO. And it helps to create some independence.


And all men need enough income so that if their SAHW flakes out and decides they don't love them anymore, they have enough to live on after they get taken to the cleaners in the divorce 

j/k...sort of.

You really should try and find a job for yourself so you can support yourself and child if this completely breaks down. You really do need to go into self preservation mode here and prepare for the worst.

ETA: The reason I mentioned self preservation mode is that he is restricting her access to money for family necessities which is huge red flag.

I have a feeling that this is more of a situation where the husband is a bit overwhelmed and is asking for help, and the wife has gotten comfortable in her role and she is holding to the agreement about her being a SAHM so her boat doesn't have to rock.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

I agree with the other posters. You need to get a job. The logic of not getting a job because that money would pay for day care isn't a good enough reason to not get a job, especially if you guys are struggling financially. You need to figure it out. Maybe you need to work at night when your husband is home. Maybe on weekends. Or get a job at a day care where you can bring you baby. You are an excellent writer - get a work-at-home-job as a freelance writer. Contact your local newspaper and see if you can write for them - even if you are an intern at first.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Your husband is an ass. But other people make a great point that you need to protect yourself. What about starting a day home? Since you're watching your child already. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

What do you mean he's only been supporting you for four months? Did he not work? Who bought the dippers and food?

Even if you plan on being a stay at home mom, you need to have job skills as you have seen first hand there are no guarantees in life.

How are you both and how long have you been married.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

How many kids to you have RR because that makes a difference. If you have one then get to finding work and daycare arrangements. If you have several then maybe childcare and keeping a second running and insured vehicle cost more than you'll make. In that case taking online classes to land a little better paying job is the route maybe.

I do think some "I'm a woman and I work so you should too" comments popping up here already.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You need to be able to support yourself. You can't depend on him or anyone else to do that your entire life. What if something happened to him.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

OP,

Please give us more information.

1. Did you both agree to you being a sahm or was it unilateral? 
2. Has your financial situation changed making you being a sahm unrealistic?
3. Have you both discussed a household budget?
4. Have you asked him how he feels with the arraignment?

There are two sides to this. Being the sole breadwinner carries enormous pressure and emotionally destroys a man when he cant provide. 
As somebody mentioned earlier the whole sahm movement is really a recent occurrence that is not really realistic with the current economy or if you are ok living paycheck to paycheck. It's a team effort and career wise it's foolish to stay home 10+ years and still think you are employable unless you have a very unique skill set.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

RubyRed said:


> I don't have much experience and I didn't go to college, so if I get a job, it will only pay for child care. What's the point if I could just watch my own child for free?


This is an old dilemma, but most people believe it's still worth it, because you can later make more money. Working builds up experience and a job history that you don't have while being a SAHM.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> So... you don't work and he isn't working much lately.
> 
> How are you supporting yourselves and your children financially?
> 
> Get a job. Find out what is going on w/ him. Is he depressed? The bottom line is it sounds like he needs your help financially and as his wife, you should help him. Have you looked for any jobs?


Like a billion times!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Ruby, I am sorry for what you are going through. First off, it would have been helpful if you had answered some of the questions the other posters asked, but I will give you my opinion based on the information available.

1. Your husband is probably addicted to video games. I would guess he is playing violent ones like WOW. These games change the brain patterns and I have seen boys become angry, aggressive, argumentive and belligerent from playing these. This is probably why he has been skipping work, not joining in on family time and blaming you for all his problems.

2. Your husband is being an immature jerk. He is not stepping up to the plate and taking care of his family. He is being emotionally abusive to you and putting his family in financial jeopardy by skipping work. He has proven that his priority is not that of his family, he is selfish.

I do agree that you need to get a job, but not for the same reason as some of the other posters. If things never change with your husband, is this the way you want to live and raise your child? Of course not. You need to plan for you and your child’s future. I know you just want your husband to be the man he should, but you can’t make him change and that is the first thing you have to do is accept the fact that he will continue this way unless HE wants to change. So, if you do not want to live like this you need to come up with a plan.

1. Where can you live if you need to leave him? Will your mom let you move back in? Do you have somewhere else to go, or do you need to be able to afford your own home?

2. Who will watch the baby while you work? Again, will your mom, someone else, or will you have to hire someone? How much will it cost?

3. What kind of job can you get? How much will it pay? Can you afford to support yourself or do you need to look into some kind of assistance (if family won’t help)? Could you work evenings so you have more time with the baby?

Having said all that, I don’t agree with lifeistooshort that the financial burden shouldn’t be the man’s job, at least while the children are young. It has been the man’s job to provide for his family since the Hunter – Gatherer days. I do vehemently think that a mother should be at home with her children, at least while they are young. 80 years ago, women were home, yes they worked their respective functions, which was cleaning, cooking and taking care of her young. There was no such thing as “Day Care” or “Preschool”. The housewife, or SAHM, has been around forever, at least as long as humans have been baring their young. 

Ruby, don’t feel guilty or belittled for wanting to be with your baby, it is normal and good that you feel that way. Of course if the woman wants to work, the two people agree she needs to, etc., that is their decision.

The problem is Ruby, your husband is not happy with this arrangement because he is addicted to his games, lazy, you two didn’t agree on it, or he is not making enough money on his own to support you. Whatever the reason, you now find yourself in this position. 

I am a SAHM and there have been times throughout our marriage when money got tight and I had to go back to work for a short time to get us back on our feet. Of course it doesn’t make sense if all your income is going to day care, so I sense something else is going on in his mind to justify his demands. Nevertheless, this is the position you find yourself in and you still have to come up with a plan for you and your child.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

The problem in this situation is likely...the 2 of you were never on the same page to begin with...didn't have a plan, didn't discuss how you wanted to raise the family, maybe the baby came as a surprise (??)... or if this was talked about, he changed his mind mid way through...... 

And now you are thrusted into this situation where money is tighter than you expected... He is escaping into Video games...and now skipping work [email protected]#$ There is a lack of leadership here - and taking responsibility on his part.. you will have to step in to keep things afloat... while he gets some help here ...wakes up to his being a Husband /Father here. 

I married a man who WANTED ME to stay home..I did work off & on & he would complain I was never home... he wanted me around... We never had $$ issues though...even though we weren't rich by any means.... I did my part to save every dime .. I was cheaper than he was! I refused to buy paper diapers on our 1st 3 kids, I used cloth (messier but I could handle it - I had the time on my hands)....... when he got a better job... I started to buy Real diapers.. what a JOY `- wouldn't want to go back! 

In todays society, the SAHM lifestyle is just not DO-able for many ...unless you are one FRUGAL MAMA.... and if your husband is not the type who honors this, desires this for his children & family- feels and lives that Provider/ Protector role as some wonderful men do ...it's just not going to work out... He will resent you.. 

You need to sit down and have a heart to heart here... bills need paid, the rent needs paid... Do you have another car to get to a job even?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If he has been supporting you and his child the past 4 months and your mom did the 12 months before and you were pregnant for the typical 9 months before that, he's had 25 months to step up to the plate and be a man. He's allowed someone else to carry his water for 21 of them and he only half-steps now on the road to manhood, being prodded and pulled by his wife. When someone shows you who they are, it's a good idea to believe them. I'd recommend getting educated or trained for a decent career and just assuming that you're going to eventually have to support yourself and your child without his help. If I'm wrong, you'll have extra bread. If I'm not, you'll be able to take care of business regardless of what he does. If he sees you have other options he might finally grow up.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> The problem in this situation is likely...the 2 of you were never on the same page to begin with...didn't have a plan, didn't discuss how you wanted to raise the family, maybe the baby came as a surprise (??)... or if this was talked about, he changed his mind mid way through......
> 
> And now you are thrusted into this situation where money is tighter than you expected... He is escaping into Video games...and now skipping work [email protected]#$ There is a lack of leadership here - and taking responsibility on his part.. you will have to step in to keep things afloat... while he gets some help here ...wakes up to his being a Husband /Father here.
> 
> ...


SAHM gets a bad name because some SAHM/SAHD do it out of laziness or inability to be responsible. To me though SAHM is not a curse word. Partnership is about sharing work load and working toward common goals. Raising kids and keeping the house is a lot of work. Ofcourse we don't know how many kids OP has or how much homemaker stuff she does.

My oldest son and daughter-in-law sound similar to you and hubby SA. She gave birth THIS MORNING to their fourth and it was a home delivery. She's a SAHM and very frugal (garden, laying hens, goats,etc) plus she also did the cloth diaper thing as well. Oh yea did I mention I have four grandkids now


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I don't want my kids in day care until they are old enough to tell me where and how people touch them. If that means I work two or three jobs while mom stays at home, that's still a great investment. A kid's character is basically formed by age 5. I can do without a new car or the latest video games. Long after I'm in the ground, my kids, grand kids, and great grand kids will be paying for the choices I made in the first 5 years of my kid's life.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Financially I said to my wife she had to go back to work. We were stretched too thin. It's been 7 months and we still struggle at times. But thankfully we both have jobs that are great working around not needing daycare. We have a babysitter one day a week, other than that one of us is always with our boys.
I love my wife's attitude on this subject, she never wanted to feel she needed a man to support her, she saw her mom do that her whole life and at 63 years old she has no real job skills. 
God forbid but what would you do if this man left? You need to be able to provide for these kid(s).


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

This isn't a man you can depend on to support his family, and I would start making plans of my own. Knowing that he's the sole breadwinner, he sees fit to skip work and jeopardize his job. Not good, OP.

Initially, your salary might end up only covering child care, but at least getting back into the work place will open up new opportunities for you. It's better to start at the bottom and work your way up, rather than do nothing about your situation.

Your H's behaviour sounds emotionally and financially abusive, but it could be that he's just under a lot of pressure financially and handling it badly. 

Whatever the scenario, I think you should look into finding work and think about furthering your education sometime in the future. Just because you may have to start at the bottom, doesn't mean that you will have to stay there. Also, as another poster mentioned, perhaps you could find out if there is a family member who could assist with childcare.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

There's value in a woman having job skills so she could support herself and her kids should a guy leave. There's greater value in making kids with a man who's character compels him to work and forbids him from leaving.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

OP please don't let some of these posters make you feel bad about staying home with your kid by putting down SAHM's. Not all men or women feel that way about SAHM. 

But it do seem like your husband now want you to work, and also that you really need to work because he is being irresponsible. I just wanted to post that it not your fault your H decided to be irresponsible. He could have come to you honest and said he needed you to go back to work when he saw things were getting tight. Is it possible for you to get some government assistance with daycare fees? You should also visit your local unemployment agency, believe it or not they do have resources their for jobs and beginning a career. It's not just a place to collect a unemployment check.

But what some poster are saying about SAHM has only started in last 80 years is not true. Sure the Mom worked the farm and everything but she was AT HOME while she did it. How many people now live on a farm versus how many have to out to a job? And just as much as your husband's support their wife financially, so does the wife support the home and make it run efficiently, AND take care of the kids. So it is not even a question of "needing a man to support" you or not.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

There is no shame in "needing" a man. I "need" my wife. Kids "need" both parents. I've got a nest of wrens out on my porch. The female sits on the eggs and the male works his tail off to provide. Neither of them seem interested in questioning their gender roles. Because they don't, wrens have been around for thousands of years. My fig bushes don't try to grow apples. My dogs don't attempt to fly.


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

PBear said:


> Your husband is an ass. But other people make a great point that you need to protect yourself. What about starting a day home? Since you're watching your child already.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree, he's an ass. He's skipping work while complaining there's not enough money? And you are responsible for waking him for work? Whatever. How old is he?

I also think you should look into running a home day care, or set up a babysitting coop where you trade child care so you can work part time. I know what you are saying-- if you can only qualify for a low paying job you won't have anything left over after paying for child care. If you can even cover the cost, right? It's a catch22 for alot of women. See if your mom can help, or maybe a relative. Tell her you need help And need to get some money together because your H sounds irresponsible and/or immature and may flake.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> There's value in a woman having job skills so she could support herself and her kids should a guy leave. There's greater value in making kids with a man who's character compels him to work and forbids him from leaving.[/
> 
> Well the horse has already left the barn. Not sure she has one of those guys, so now she needs help and advice.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## psychedelicately (Jun 11, 2013)

The only way it works for one parent to stay at home is if both partners are on board. It sounds like he isn't. I was in the same situation four years ago and he ended up quitting his job when our baby was four months old and then leaving me (there were other problems in our relationship drugs/alcohol/emotional abuse). He was the same way in the beginning, he wanted me to stay home but once the baby was born he grew resentful. After he left us I made arrangements with family for babysitting, started college part time and found a part time night shift job. It is hard position to be in, but I wouldn't depend on your husband to support you financially. You never know what can happen.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

He wasn't on board when she got pregnant and he didn't hop on board until her mom had supported her and grand baby for at least a year. A man who has to be dragged on board doesn't belong on board. It'd be handy if child-men were tattooed on their foreheads so young ladies wouldn't be conned into having sex with them.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Thundarr said:


> SAHM gets a bad name because some SAHM/SAHD do it out of laziness or inability to be responsible. To me though SAHM is not a curse word. Partnership is about sharing work load and working toward common goals. Raising kids and keeping the house is a lot of work. Ofcourse we don't know how many kids OP has or how much homemaker stuff she does.


 Appreciate your thoughts here ... I feel this way too...and honestly I would be HARD on a lazy/ frivolous spending SAHM- if I got that feeling in any way from a posters story........as they NEED to carry their weight... and then some - to make the life of the working partner more comfortable, so HE / she is not stressed....



> My oldest son and daughter-in-law sound similar to you and hubby SA. She gave birth THIS MORNING to their fourth and it was a home delivery. She's a SAHM and very frugal (garden, laying hens, goats,etc) plus she also did the cloth diaper thing as well. Oh yea did I mention I have four grandkids now


 Grandpa Thundarr !! Your son & DIL and their way of life / family sounds AWESOME to me.. .the good ol' American dream (minus having a baby on my kitchen floor that is - ha ha)... but really.... that's wonderful !


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

OP are you still on this thread?

A lot of sensible things have been said already. I am wondering what your husband's problems are. I think computer games are often a form of escape from problems in the real world. Have you tried gently to ask if there are problems at work he is not sharing with you?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I'm guessing the husband had piss poor fathering. There's a lot of that going around these days. My dad and both my grandfathers had me working shortly after I could walk and it never occurred to me that a man was allowed to do otherwise.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

committed4ever said:


> OP please don't let some of these posters make you feel bad about staying home with your kid by putting down SAHM's. Not all men or women feel that way about SAHM.
> 
> But it do seem like your husband now want you to work, and also that you really need to work because he is being irresponsible. I just wanted to post that it not your fault your H decided to be irresponsible. He could have come to you honest and said he needed you to go back to work when he saw things were getting tight. Is it possible for you to get some government assistance with daycare fees? You should also visit your local unemployment agency, believe it or not they do have resources their for jobs and beginning a career. It's not just a place to collect a unemployment check.
> 
> But what some poster are saying about SAHM has only started in last 80 years is not true. Sure the Mom worked the farm and everything but she was AT HOME while she did it. How many people now live on a farm versus how many have to out to a job? And just as much as your husband's support their wife financially, so does the wife support the home and make it run efficiently, AND take care of the kids. So it is not even a question of "needing a man to support" you or not.



Nobody has put her down for being a sahm. OP basically admitted she can't support herself and her kids and people have been telling her this is not a good idea. Also, the decision is not hers alone, it most be joint between the partners.
As far a the current sahm scenario only going back 80 years, it is true that mom was often home but the point was that she was not parenting little Johnny. If anyone did it you had grandma/sisters/community because mom was busy working. The idea that you must personally parent/entertain your kids is a fairly new one. If this is what both partners agree to that's great, I myself did it for 5 years. This OP seems to think she's entitled to unilaterally make this decision and wants to know how to force hubby to agree. This guy is a high risk for leaving her since he seems quite immature, so she should be making contingency plans.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> Nobody has put her down for being a sahm. OP basically admitted she can't support herself and her kids and people have been telling her this is not a good idea. Also, the decision is not hers alone, it most be joint between the partners.
> As far a the current sahm scenario only going back 80 years, it is true that mom was often home but the point was that she was not parenting little Johnny. If anyone did it you had grandma/sisters/community because mom was busy working. The idea that you must personally parent/entertain your kids is a fairly new one. If this is what both partners agree to that's great, I myself did it for 5 years. This OP seems to think she's entitled to unilaterally make this decision and wants to know how to force hubby to agree. This guy is a high risk for leaving her since he seems quite immature, so she should be making contingency plans.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:scratchhead: Wow, I don't know where you are getting your information or what country you live in, but here in the U.S. moms did raise their own children - up until after WWII, that is when the majority of women started leaving the home and entering the work force. 

Also, I never got the impression that OP thinks she is entitled to make the decision on her own. She is young, in a situation and looking for help, that is all.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I think his problem goes deeper than having a wife who doesn't happen to work outside the home at the moment. He has a job he has little interest in going to. If he was happy with his own work, he'd hop out of bed and get to work regardless of what his wife was doing. He might frown and complain to her once in a while but his butt would be moving when the alarm clock rang. Even if I didn't have a wife, I'd still be working. I get more there than just a paycheck there. I get a little recognition, some pride, association with my coworkers, and a feeling that I'm doing something important and that people depend on me. I'd bet if the OP got a six-figure job, her husband would be even more unhappy to go to his. Seems like he invests very little of himself at home or at work. Naturally, he can't get much satisfaction from either place if he's putting little of himself into it.


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