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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

You have made a very good post.



CrAzYdOgLaDy said:


> How did you eventually get your confidence and life back?


The way you have begun. The first essential step is to recognize that his behavior is not caused by you, rather, by him.
The second step is to recognize that you cannot change him, only you.
Going "no contact" is the third step.



CrAzYdOgLaDy said:


> Now I'm ashamed I've let a man destroy me


Apparently not...... in fact, fourth step, recognize that you gave him far too much power. You're there.....



CrAzYdOgLaDy said:


> Because of this is have severe depression, gad, ptsd, panic attacks, and scared to go out.


All those will go away in fifth step.... put YOURSELF on the throne of your life. Do what YOU want, because YOU want it. When you "hear" his "voice" in your head, tell him to shut the **** up and leave you the hell alone. You are going to do what you want, when you want, and that you don't give a rat's ass what he thinks.....


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

For me its been Meghan Markle who has shown me how dangerous and evil narcissists can be. The only thing to do is what you have done and cut off all contact and stay away, so well done for that. Some good counseling should help, as well as contact with friends and family. Have you seen your doctor? I am sure it will take time, but gradually I am sure you will begin to heal and get back to the person you once were. 
Do you like animals? They can be great therapy and there are so many needing good homes.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

There's no wrong way to write a post, only degrees of information. I'm very sorry this happened to you. I had a good friend who married a narcissist. I don't think anyone can underestimate the damage they can do to someone else. I lost this friend because I told her what he was and I'd do it all over again. I'll never know what happened to her. Do you have good friends or family to communicate with so that you can replace all that crap with positive, helpful interactions? I think it would be a good idea to focus on that person you were - you'll probably find she's still in there. I'd also seek out a counselor ASAP and begin to unload some of the weight he put on you. You're in control now.

Also, he didn't destroy you. He took advantage of you, manipulated you, and abused you. But whatever power you gave him, you can begin to take back and you can find the bubbly, confident person you were. Every step you take forward will be another step away from him.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

CrAzYdOgLaDy said:


> I'm 53 year old woman in the uk. walked out on ex husband after another severe breakdown caused by him in March 2020. I thought he was my soul mate. I've now realised I've been married to a narcissist (over 10 years) and he has destroyed me as a person with all his head games, silence treatments, yelling and calling me disgusting things, saying things were in my head and I can go on. You will understand what narcissists do. I'm trying to build my confidence back slowly and have gone no contact. My mental health is bad and I'm feeling beaten down. I was a very bubbly outgoing woman with loads of confidence. Now I'm ashamed I've let a man destroy me :-(
> Anyone else dealt with narcissists. How did you eventually get your confidence and life back? What has helped with your mental health and recovery. Because of this is have severe depression, gad, ptsd, panic attacks, and scared to go out. Hope I've done this post OK as my 1st post.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


The first thing I want to say is...congratulations!
I'm happy to hear that you've gathered the strength to leave him and stick with it. This is known as No Contact. Please keep up with it, and DO NOT under any conditions communicate with him. He will try to do what is called Hoovering. He will try to break no contact, with promises of change, or missing you. When you don't respond, he will then get nasty. That's the true him. 

You should NOT be ashamed at all. The most intelligent and wonderful people are usually targeted. You must possess some great qualities b/c he wouldn't have chosen you otherwise.

I actually have a sister in law who is a covert malignant narcissist (she has NPD and Antisocial Personality Disorder). 
I am currently getting Narc Abuse Coaching, because lucky me, I'm her target. 
It's actually been really good and strongly recommend it if you can afford it. The one I see is based in America though, so if you want that information, as she conducts sessions through ZOOM, message me privately and I will give you the info. 

You're going to be just fine, it's just going to take time.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I have found that as you age, your patience thins and the energy to roll-on lessens.

Cruel people steal a lot of energy from you. They are emotional vampires.

You cannot regain that youthful vigor and endurance.

You can self-exorcise that old ghost of your ex. 

Do not let that bag of rusty nails remain, rent free, in your head.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Good for you for making a scary change. The way you get past this is baby steps. . , do a little each day until you are stronger. It's really hard when you don't want to go out. I get it. I suffer from agoraphobia & when it's triggered, even stepping out of my front door is an ordeal. There have been times I walk out onto my porch, puke & then go hide inside all day. But you have to push through. Even if it's to go for a walk (assuming that is allowed with Covid). Baby steps, small goals will help boost your overall confidence as you achieve them.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Y


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You have made the first step to freedom by recognising who he is. Join KimSaeed and receive her emails for first steps. https://kimsaeed.com/

You will find invaluable info here. You can also join a narcissist recovery forum


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Start by no longer blaming him and being self accountable and take responsibility for how things turned out for you.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

CrAzYdOgLaDy said:


> I'm 53 year old woman in the uk. walked out on ex husband after another severe breakdown caused by him in March 2020. I thought he was my soul mate. I've now realised I've been married to a narcissist (over 10 years) and he has destroyed me as a person with all his head games, silence treatments, yelling and calling me disgusting things, saying things were in my head and I can go on. You will understand what narcissists do. I'm trying to build my confidence back slowly and have gone no contact. My mental health is bad and I'm feeling beaten down. I was a very bubbly outgoing woman with loads of confidence. Now I'm ashamed I've let a man destroy me :-(
> Anyone else dealt with narcissists. How did you eventually get your confidence and life back? What has helped with your mental health and recovery. Because of this is have severe depression, gad, ptsd, panic attacks, and scared to go out. Hope I've done this post OK as my 1st post.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


There's nothing like being run over by someone like this, eh? Breathe, be thankful for your freedom, and like Sun said, don't let that turd live rent free in your head.

Now is the time to get reacquainted with yourself, your needs and your wants. One thing I had a hard time doing was forgiving myself for being "stupid". Are you a conditioned people pleaser? Start with getting a checkup and getting your health in order, that is a good way to practise selfcare and not feel selfish.

You will be ok, you're not detroyed, just a little bruised. Narcs always target givers. It's not a weakness, but your strength if you can become accustomed to directing some of that giving inward.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I'm so sorry. You need some time to heal, and a therapist would help if you can manage it. If not, be sure you have someone to talk to, whether a family member, friend or someone at church. You might even also google a domestic violence or victims of abuse hotline and talk to people there. They have a lot of knowledge. You might find someplace local with a group of some sort. It will take some time. You have to shake this off.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

It seems that almost everybody's ex is a narcissist, diagnosed by their ex. When I read all these threads about ex's diagnosing their ex's as narcissist I wonder 3 things (or maybe 5 things if you consider the two subquestions in question 1 to be separate questions):

1- Were they ALWAYS a narcissist or did they suddenly become one, and if so, how is that possible? If not, why didn't the ex doing the diagnosing see this before they got married?
2- Is the ex doing the diagnosing a licensed and trained mental health professional?
3- Has the person the ex diagnosed as a narcissist been diagnosed by a licensed mental health professional?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Trident said:


> It seems that almost everybody's ex is a narcissist, diagnosed by their ex. When I read all these threads about ex's diagnosing their ex's as narcissist I wonder 3 things (or maybe 5 things if you consider the two subquestions in question 1 to be separate questions):
> 
> 1- Were they ALWAYS a narcissist or did they suddenly become one, and if so, how is that possible? If not, why didn't the ex doing the diagnosing see this before they got married?
> 2- Is the ex doing the diagnosing a licensed and trained mental health professional?
> 3- Has the person the ex diagnosed as a narcissist been diagnosed by a licensed mental health professional?


I think you have a point here. Some people may not be narcissists they are simply incredibly selfish. I would suggest that when people who are older get married, the first question is how come they waited so long? Were they married before, how many times and why did those marriages fail? Answers to these would be clues as to the person you are marrying.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

CrAzYdOgLaDy said:


> I'm 53 year old woman in the uk. walked out on ex husband after another severe breakdown caused by him in March 2020. I thought he was my soul mate. I've now realised I've been married to a narcissist (over 10 years) and he has destroyed me as a person with all his head games, silence treatments, yelling and calling me disgusting things, saying things were in my head and I can go on. You will understand what narcissists do. I'm trying to build my confidence back slowly and have gone no contact. My mental health is bad and I'm feeling beaten down. I was a very bubbly outgoing woman with loads of confidence. Now I'm ashamed I've let a man destroy me :-(
> Anyone else dealt with narcissists. How did you eventually get your confidence and life back? What has helped with your mental health and recovery. Because of this is have severe depression, gad, ptsd, panic attacks, and scared to go out. Hope I've done this post OK as my 1st post.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


Your first post was perfect, @CrAzYdOgLaDy. I'm so sorry you fell under the malign influence of this 'man'.

He did what people suffering from his mental disorder do. Destroy their world then sob about it and blame others.

What I suggest is counselling for you.

CBD can be very helpful. And meds from your doctor or a psychiatrist, should your MD hook you up with one.

I hope these links will be of help to you:





__





British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy


BACP is the professional association for members of the counselling professions in the UK. We exist for one simple reason - counselling changes lives




www.bacp.co.uk












Counselling Directory - Find a Counsellor Near You


Counselling Directory connects you with professional counsellors and therapists near you to help you find the help you need.




www.counselling-directory.org.uk












How to find a therapist


Read our information on how to find a therapist, including through the NHS, charities, at work or private therapists.



www.mind.org.uk












UK Council for Psychotherapy | UKCP


The UK Council for Psychotherapy is the leading organisation for psychotherapists and psychotherapeutic counsellors in the UK. Alongside offering professional support for our members we regulate the profession and promote access to psychotherapy for all.




www.psychotherapy.org.uk








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Counselling - Anxiety UK







www.anxietyuk.org.uk












Practitioner Details


Search tool to help make sure practitioners are regulated or registered




www.professionalstandards.org.uk


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Trident said:


> It seems that almost everybody's ex is a narcissist, diagnosed by their ex. When I read all these threads about ex's diagnosing their ex's as narcissist I wonder 3 things (or maybe 5 things if you consider the two subquestions in question 1 to be separate questions):
> 
> 1- Were they ALWAYS a narcissist or did they suddenly become one, and if so, how is that possible? If not, why didn't the ex doing the diagnosing see this before they got married?
> 2- Is the ex doing the diagnosing a licensed and trained mental health professional?
> 3- Has the person the ex diagnosed as a narcissist been diagnosed by a licensed mental health professional?


Does it matter? Especially 2 and 3. As long as they are displaying the behaviors, a real diagnosis doesn’t matter because you can’t be with them anyway. 

My opinion on #1, having been there myself... I believe they always have been. When you meet them, they are on their best behavior, putting on a good show that makes you fall for them in a big way. Looking back, I can see some signs came up here and there, but I didn’t realize they were signs at the time. I didn’t know what to look for. It took a while for my ex to show his true colors full on. I got out and the only regret I have is that I didn’t do it years before I did. 

OP, just focus on your freedom. Realizing all the things you get to do now without being required to pay an emotional price for it is liberating and amazing. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## CrazyGuy72 (Apr 2, 2021)

I thought that I would reply here since you were nice enough to comment on mine. Get back to the things you liked to do. How many friends do you have, they probably disappeared over time as a spouse like that does not like any of them around. I attended group therapy. Hearing other peoples troubles helped me wake up to all forms of abuse and put mine into perspective. I formed some friends in group therapy. (I hate groups so I attended group therapy for exposer) Two friends from group therapy married each other for over two years now! (not recommended to marry or date another mentally ill person until they get things worked out lol). One good thing the pandemic has created is zoom calls. I attend a free weekly anxiety support group over zoom. (I found it more helpful than therapy) The participants are all local to me but I don't know any of them outside of the group. I found that I can share even embarrassing stuff, (what does it matter they don't know me) but yet they know what I am talking about if I tell them a local store that I ATTEMPTED to drive or walk around. We give ideas and advice as wanted. Take your time to figure out what it is that you want out of life. Don't be hard on yourself over slow progress. You will have good and bad days.


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## monserrat67 (May 2, 2021)

CrAzYdOgLaDy said:


> I'm 53 year old woman in the uk. walked out on ex husband after another severe breakdown caused by him in March 2020. I thought he was my soul mate. I've now realised I've been married to a narcissist (over 10 years) and he has destroyed me as a person with all his head games, silence treatments, yelling and calling me disgusting things, saying things were in my head and I can go on. You will understand what narcissists do. I'm trying to build my confidence back slowly and have gone no contact. My mental health is bad and I'm feeling beaten down. I was a very bubbly outgoing woman with loads of confidence. Now I'm ashamed I've let a man destroy me :-(
> Anyone else dealt with narcissists. How did you eventually get your confidence and life back? What has helped with your mental health and recovery. Because of this is have severe depression, gad, ptsd, panic attacks, and scared to go out. Hope I've done this post OK as my 1st post.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


I can totally relate. I've been married to a narcissist for the last 6 years and it has been nothing but hell from day 1. I feel your pain and know exactly what you've gone through as it is very similar to my life with my own narcissist. I have finally had enough of the head games and pervasive infidelity and plan to file for divorce in the next few months. Congratulations on taking this bold and wonderful step toward your recovery and mental health. Wish me luck.


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