# Why is it hard for my EX to leave abusive BF?



## Houstondad

My EX appears to be having trouble ending an abusive relationship.
First off, I know some of you may be thinking why should I care about my EX and who she dates. Well, I'd like to think I don't harbor a cold-hearted soul. She's the mother of my young children and I'm still close to my in-laws who are worried about her.

When we were married, about 9 years into the marriage (she was 35) my EX began to experience depression and over the next few years it became more cyclical. She also started having health issues (migraines, insomnia, fibromyalga, thyroid, etc.).

Then she got involved in an EA which became PA. She thought it was "the cure", she even admitted at one point she couldn't help it and called it a "drug". She thought I was the reason for her depression.
When the guy ran back to his wife, my EX hit bottom, lost her job and moved to another state and has been there ever since. 
She moved in with a guy 15 years her senior after a few months after deciding she would remain there. He had a job and two little girls. And we had not even discussed divorce at that point (don't worry, I did and filed a few months later gaining primary custody of my kids).

When my kids visited last summer, my kids revealed he's a control freak and that he has a 2hr quiet time every day so he can take a nap. He gets angry easily and yells. Never hit or spanked my kids, but is just a total douche.

When she visited the kids and I last March she revealed that he gets easily angry and has been out of a job since October. And he hit her in the face during a fight on New Years. She took our kids and left to a hotel for the remaining 5 days my kids were visiting.
She declared she would be moving out of their rental in May, which she did. Turns out this guy has the maximum restraining order from his ex-wife too. Short temper, threats, throws stuff, etc. She also said she was going to go to group therapy for her depression. Apparently it wasn't me and that it was pretty bad recently.
However, despite the two of them not living together, the two of them still hang out with her spending time at his place and his at mine. Her reasoning? So our kids can play with his kids. 
So why does she go back to this guy? Does she feel threatened? Does she lack self-esteem? Does she feel she's unlovable? I'm just trying to make some sense out of it if the time comes for me to protect my kids and help my in-laws who are at a loss.


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## EleGirl

She's most likely hooked into some level of excitement/drama. It plays with brain chemistry. Also, maybe she is afraid to have no one in her life.

The therapy should do her good. This will definitely come up.


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## Houstondad

Hi EleGirl! How are you? I've been doing pretty good. Currently in a 4 month relationship. So far, so good with it. 
I never thought about the drama playing with the brain chemistry. I guess that's why she left me, I had zero drama. Haha.
But seriously, that is very possible and I agree with the fear of having no one in her life.
The thing is that I don't know if she ever went to therapy or quit? It's hard to know what she is doing when she lives so far away from everyone.
The other thing I left out was her drinking. She drank quite a bit before she moved away (drink an entire wine bottle at night and go to work the next day). And I know she still drinks. I just don't know how much. And this BF apparently has an alcoholic father so it's a good chance he may be a drinker too.
Despite all this craziness, my kids have not said or shown any ill-effects due to their mom's issues while visiting for the summer. They are due back in 12 days. Can't wait to see em'.


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## EleGirl

Hi, glad to hear that you are doing well and dating someone.

Her bf probably is an alcoholic. This could be another draw to him... someone to drink with.

While your children do not seem to have suffered from the exposure to this life style, keep an eye on them.

All you can do is to take as good care of your children as you can.


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## Jasel

Can't speak for your wife but are you sure it's safe for your kids to be in that type of environment even if it's just to visit their mom? That guy sounds unstable.


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