# Why is my husband like this??



## FallenCowgirl (Dec 6, 2012)

To give a little insight..... We have only been married a year and a half. Been together for 3 years. I have known him for about 10 years and we have a 20 month old son.

For the first year of our relationship everything was great. Pretty much since our son was born and we got married (this happened within a month of each other) he has been very disrespectful / belittling towards me. 

He blames everything on me. He has always had the mentallity that he does nothing wrong and he knows everything. Even his family has said this. 

I am the bread winner in the home. He is lucky if he even works 30 hours a week at a minimal paying job (his choice). He will try to tell people that I spend all the money and take all of his. He has made the comments that he has no bills so I guess this means he should not have to pay for water or food?

He didn't have a reliable vechile so I bought him a SUV from his grandparents with a bonus check I received and shortly after it broke down so of course it was my fault and I should be the one in charge of getting it repaired.

I take our child to daycare morning and pick him up. Pay all the bills. Do all the house chores. If he ends up giving the dogs water he will throw it in my face because they are "MY" dogs. When I responded that it was about time he did something I got the response of that I wanted to be a mother and wife and that if he needs to clean up after our son or himself he will do it somewhere else. If he does do anything he expects me to praise any little thing he does.

He is constantly belittling me and telling me I have changed and I don't love him. It seems every other week he is throwing something else in my face and talking down to me. Pretty much if he doesn't get sex at least 3 times a week then I don't love him. It's kinda hard to be all lovey with someone who puts me down all the time. I try my best!

When he does the belittling tp me it is mostly over text. When it comes to face to face conversation he has very little to say. We went to a marriage counselor once and he wouldn't go back. He said it wasn't helping him because I am the one with the problem. 

He goes as he pleases out with his friends until 3am then they come home and I have to deal with his drunk friends passed out on the couch. 

Have I kept my mouth shut and not fought back like I should. If he is so miserable why does he stay. He does all the above and says I don't love him. If I didn't he would have already been out the door. I want to save my marriage and get to a good place, but I am losing all hope.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

That sounds so much like the NPD guy I dated. 

I doubt fighting back will help you at all. Changing the subject to avoid his outbursts may be a better tactic. I'd encourage you to ask him the questions I wrote out in Narcissism: Recognizing, Coping With, and Treating It to see if there is a chance that he has a narcissistic personality disorder. I'm not saying he does, but the things you wrote about are identical to the NPD man I was involved with except for the staying out drinking part.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

He got himself a sugar-mama.


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## FallenCowgirl (Dec 6, 2012)

I had looked up NPD prior to posting here and he matched many of the traits.

The sugar momma thought crosses my mind often.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Even if he didn't get with you for a sugar-mama, maybe you should point out to him that that is what you feel like.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

FallenCowgirl said:


> I had looked up NPD prior to posting here and he matched many of the traits.
> 
> The sugar momma thought crosses my mind often.


The questions in that article are an easy and very persuasive indicator of whether he does or not.


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## FallenCowgirl (Dec 6, 2012)

I have brought up the "sugar momma" thought to him in the past and he kinda just blows it off. 

I just don't understand how someone says they love me and once second they can be such a loving person and the next it's like he absolutly hates my guts.

I am reading the NPD article you reference now. Thanks


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

He has no self respect and doesn't understand what being a man and father really means. If he belittles you it means he really hates himself. These are serious character flaws that only he can resolve with a long term effort. You will not be able to change him with words or demands. Start protecting yourself and your child. I'm sorry.


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## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

Cowgirl,
My first impression from what you posted is he is full of resentment. You mentioned that you have been married for 18 months but you were pregnant 29 months ago. Could it be that he felt that he was "forced" into marriage and he really didn't want to have a child and now he feels resentful? His immaturity and childish behavior sounds like a petulent child that was forced to do something that he does not want to do. No matter, his behavior is childish and demeaning and you should not have to put up with it.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Zatol Ugot? said:


> Cowgirl,
> My first impression from what you posted is he is full of resentment. You mentioned that you have been married for 18 months but you were pregnant 29 months ago. Could it be that he felt that he was "forced" into marriage and he really didn't want to have a child and now he feels resentful? His immaturity and childish behavior sounds like a petulent child that was forced to do something that he does not want to do. No matter, his behavior is childish and demeaning and you should not have to put up with it.


That thought crossed my mind as well.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

You said you want to save the marriage. Why? 

From what you have indicated he seems like a burden to you. 

You are doing more to help him than he is doing to help himself. Why? 

Do you think his behavior is a good role model for your child?


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## FallenCowgirl (Dec 6, 2012)

All of you have some very good points.... Our child was a planned pregnancy that at the time he couldn't wait to be a father. He is very good with our son when he is with him.

I very much feel like he is another child. I very much agree that he has no respect for himself and that's why he thrives for so much attention and now that there is a child involved and my attention isn't all on him that is why he treats me the way he does.

I pretty much in my heart know that there is no way to save this and I can't go on in a unhappy marriage when life is so short, but I just didn't want to give up and be a failure I guess.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

You sound sad, frustrated and overwhelmed. 

You are blaming yourself for creating this. As I am sure some of your behavior has contributed it is not the entire reason for your marriage breakdown. Is sounds like you are bending over backwards to accomodate him and getting very little in the way of a partnership in return. Please stop treating him like a child and rescuing him. The SUV is a prime example. He needs to understand that his responsibilities are his and not yours and that you will not be paying for anymore repairs to his vehicle. But then you may worry he has no way to get to work right? 

He refuses to take any responsibility and this is evidenced in his refusal to continue with marriage counseling. I recommend you continue with individual counseling to understand your role in this better and to help you cope with what could be some difficult times ahead. Hang in there.


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## lpad (Nov 8, 2011)

I was very much like him when my children were born except for the working part. I had and mantain a good career. It drove my wife to fall out of love with me 5 years ago and despite me changing my ways 4years ago her love may be lost for ever. Staying out to 3:00 am drinking sounds like an addiction issue may also present. I also had many late nights and they all involved drug and alchahol abuse. Brining drunk friends home is in no way acceptable. You need to work on your confidance and think of you and your child first. If you continue to accept his treatment of you, you may be so resentful you may never feel the same about him again. Draw your lines and warn him of the consequences.


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## dunocarmet (Dec 6, 2012)

I had looked up NPD prior to posting here and he matched many of the traits.


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## DrDavidCOlsen (Oct 7, 2012)

One of the common marital interactional patterns which we describe in "The Couple's Survival Workbook" is the over/under responsible pattern where one person continues to over function while the other under functions. Unless this pattern shifts, it will result in bitterness, distance and resentment. Too often the under functioning partner belittles the overfunctioner. 
The only way the pattern shifts, is when the overfunctioner takes a position. Telling the underfunctioner to channel never works. But if the over functioned begins to shift their role things will change.
The only way to shift this pattern, is by changing one's role in the interactional pattern.
David C Olsen, Ph.D, LMFT


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

So all of these traits became evident after you married?


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Another abuse thread. Dang, there are a lot of them lately.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Cowgirl, while reading your original post, I had intended to give you a link to Kathy's excellent overview of narcissism. I therefore am pleased to see that she has already done so. I suggest you read it carefully because there is a lot of good information in there that seems to apply to your H.


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## FallenCowgirl (Dec 6, 2012)

Yes! He didn't start acting like this until after we were married. Before we were married he was the most caring sweetest person and always helped around the house. 

He says that I have changed and I am the issue. Last night I tried to hand him a pen and paper and asked him to please write down how I have changed and the issues I have that are ruining this relationship and he wouldn't do it. He said he has told me before. Which I have never gotten a straight answer from him. He said he may write them down today which he won't do.

I will admit I have changed I am a mother now and my first instinct is to make sure that my family is provided for and taken care of. I am sorry I can't run around and do as I please I have responsibilities.

His parents told me he was diagnosed with ADHD, but he would never take his meds. I have done some research on this as well. A few of his family members have also been diagnosed with bi-polar. So I don't know if this could be apart of his issue or I am just making excuses for him.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

FallenCowgirl said:


> Yes! He didn't start acting like this until after we were married. Before we were married he was the most caring sweetest person and always helped around the house.
> 
> He says that I have changed and I am the issue. Last night I tried to hand him a pen and paper and asked him to please write down how I have changed and the issues I have that are ruining this relationship and he wouldn't do it. He said he has told me before. Which I have never gotten a straight answer from him. He said he may write them down today which he won't do.
> 
> ...


When you say your "....first instinct is to make sure your family is provided for" Please define family.


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## FallenCowgirl (Dec 6, 2012)

CanadianGuy said:


> When you say your "....first instinct is to make sure your family is provided for" Please define family.


My son, husband and myself....


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

FallenCowgirl said:


> My son, husband and myself....


Do you expect of him what you expect of yourself?

Have you written down your issues/expectations on a piece of paper and handed it to him?


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## FallenCowgirl (Dec 6, 2012)

Yes I do and Yes I have....

He gets aggrivated. He says that he does a lot for us and that he is the best thing to happen to me. He has a very hard time admitting he is wrong or any issues. His response to me yesterday is that he is trying to not communicate with me and he will send me very negative text then he will turnaround and act like nothing is wrong and we have this great relationship. I am beyond confused and my heart is deeply hurting.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

FallenCowgirl said:


> Yes I do and Yes I have....
> 
> He gets aggrivated. He says that he does a lot for us and that he is the best thing to happen to me. He has a very hard time admitting he is wrong or any issues. His response to me yesterday is that he is trying to not communicate with me and he will send me very negative text then he will turnaround and act like nothing is wrong and we have this great relationship. I am beyond confused and my heart is deeply hurting.


Passive aggressive. 

Be aware of your thoughts when you're evaluating him against what you expect of yourself. It is hard to dwell on appreciation for others when we hold them to standards that are not attainable for them as they are now. 

His negative texts help him express emotions he could be afraid to talk about in person. By giving himself distance he is unable to see or hear your reaction and perhaps he feels safer. 

Do you feel overwhelmed and feel as though the responsibility of family is all on your shoulders and you are the only one that truly cares?


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

I don't honestly think you WILL be able to help him, until you push him out the door.

Maybe I'm wrong... Just saying.. He won't do for himself, until he absolutely has to.


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