# Wife has zero sex drive



## 333Husband (Nov 7, 2011)

Noticed the frustrated posts on this subject...I am kind of at the end of my rope on this subject. I dearly love my wife, she is the nicest, sweetest person I have ever met. Three kids, all grown now. 25 years of marriage and things were well for about 15 years. 

Then breast cancer struck, after chemo and radiation therapy, she is now a breast cancer survivor. Unfortunately, her sex drive went to zero and she gained about 80lbs due to early menopause. After pressing the point for a few years, I finally gave up, her kisses have gone cold, and she decided to start sleeping in another room to 'get a better nights sleep'.

I am more than thankful that she is still alive and try to supress my 'needs'. It is difficult as she will not even consider any physical contact. God, at this point I would be happy with a hand job once a month with the last little bit of effort on her part.

Unfortunately, I still have the same sex drive as when I was 20 and feel like I have it screaming inside my head day after day like a hurricane wind in the trees. I have erotic dreams of making love to my wife in days past and wake up with a massive erection in the middle of the night. Cold showers suck at 2am.

I keep repeating "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health...etc.etc." like it will somehow help with the parts of our relationship that have been ripped out of my mind. It is almost a curse, to be in love with a woman as cold as ice....

Divorce is out of the question, I married for life.

A girlfriend will never work, I am sure I could not resolve the emotional attachment issues, it would end badly either way.

After much research, I recently went to see a high end escort.

A few hours with her did more to resolve my problems than any therapist could in a few months. I felt like I was 'high' for weeks after our encounter. I practice safe sex and other than the still small risk of STDs, I think this may be my only option. 

No chance of giving anything to my wife as we never touch, kiss or engage in any physical affection anymore.

Appears I am consigned to hiring 'paid talent' once a month or so for the remainder of the marriage.

Any of the women reading this need to realize how much torture and wreckage can be dumped upon a marriage through 'no sex' most men would have left years ago....


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You didn't mention that you've had a heart-to-heart talk with her. Have you?


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

333Husband said:


> Noticed the frustrated posts on this subject...I am kind of at the end of my rope on this subject. I dearly love my wife, she is the nicest, sweetest person I have ever met. Three kids, all grown now. 25 years of marriage and things were well for about 15 years.
> 
> Then breast cancer struck, after chemo and radiation therapy, she is now a breast cancer survivor. Unfortunately, her sex drive went to zero and she gained about 80lbs due to early menopause. After pressing the point for a few years, I finally gave up, her kisses have gone cold, and she decided to start sleeping in another room to 'get a better nights sleep'.
> 
> ...


So what is it you are looking for here? Validation that cheating on your wife with prostitutes is okay? 
I have never had breast cancer but those I know that have lose themselves entirely. Chemo and radiation wreck havoc on your body. The fear of cancer coming back and possible death are paralyzing. Hormones are changed for the worse. You also mention she gained a lot of weight due to early menopause. Her self image has got to be shot to hell on top of the scars she must have. 
Have you talked to her?


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## 333Husband (Nov 7, 2011)

Resolution of the problem is shot here, I have talked, we have gone to see someone to help. Sex in my marriage is over, done, zilch, nada or whatever expression fits here.

I don't care about the weight, physical appearance (heck I'm probably not that much to look at anymore either). I just miss any physical contact with my wife. 

Bottom line is she has just turned the switch off and that is the end of the story. 

Posting was more of a desperate rant about the husband's side of things in case anyone else drops into the same bucket. I don't like my options, after years of frustration I just finally got to the end of my rope on this issue.


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## misticli (Oct 28, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> So what is it you are looking for here? Validation that cheating on your wife with prostitutes is okay?
> I have never had breast cancer but those I know that have lose themselves entirely. Chemo and radiation wreck havoc on your body. The fear of cancer coming back and possible death are paralyzing. Hormones are changed for the worse. You also mention she gained a lot of weight due to early menopause. Her self image has got to be shot to hell on top of the scars she must have.
> Have you talked to her?


He indicated in his posting it was "years" after her recovery. If she has moved out of the bedroom and is not even accepting basic human touching, then what exactly does she expect?

I do not condone cheating at all. Prior to this happening he needed to sit his wife down and try and get her to agree to work on this situation. If she refused repeatedly then he needed to leave. 

When you become a husband and wife part of the deal is taking care of each others needs. Even if you set the sex aside, she is not even sleeping in the same room as him, or having an emotional connection.

There is no excuse for her not touching you, kissing you, hugging you, sleeping in the same room with you etc. Hey even giving a hand job once a month like you asked for is not to much to ask for from a wife. 

It is wrong to expect a husband to have that for years and not expect him to want out of the relationship. Humans need that physical connection, and sex is not something that can be ignored for years. Having cancer is awful, but even worse is years later not moving on and trying to live your life, and expecting your husband to live in a marriage with no intimacy.


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## Gaylord (Oct 8, 2011)

I am not going to condemn you. I am no better or worse than you are… We are all only human and have to find ways to deal with the hard times in our lives. I can only offer you my thoughts. Question? What is the right thing to do?

This is what I would do... 

I would try and communicate the following post to my wife;
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/34162-how-many-women-actually-get.html

I'd say, give it to your wife if you have to! However, I don't suggest it... I'd simply try to start better communication with her by conveying what helps you feel more fulfilled in your marriage with her. And don't make it all about sex. Try to explain your feelings over time in as kind and loving way as you can: 

Then... Make sure you are not one of these men;

Often a wife's reluctance has something to do with her husbands offensive approach toward her about this matter. Most of the time, if a man "blows up" on his woman, it is primarily because HE is not getting sex. HE is not getting something HE wants from his wife and so HE lets her know HE is unhappy about HIS doing without... and as you can already see... what is missing is the BIGGER MENTALITY that is more concerned about the marriage relationship... that is more concerned about the MUTUAL GOOD. He is projecting to his wife that he is ALL ABOUT HIMSELF.

A more diplomatic approace might sound something like this;

"I want both of us to enjoy the best possible life together. I want to be happy... and I want YOU to be happy just as much. Clearly, you have not been truly happy for the last few years, and I sure don't want you to continue being that way... I know you don't want to be unhappy... So, what do we need to do... what do I need to do... what are the things I need to change... what do you need to change... so that you can be happy again? And, if you aren't too sure at this moment in time, then lets simply try to identify just one thing that you'd like to change or see different and we can try and take care of that one thing... and that could get things moving back to better direction of happiness."


Next:

Educate yourself somemore;

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/consid...what-does-bible-say-about-divorce-part-i.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/consid...at-does-bible-say-about-divorce-part-2-a.html


AND... Understand that two wrongs NEVER can make it right.


*YOU MUST - Make sure your wife truly understands your need for fulfillment... Just like you, she has her needs... HOWEVER they are much different... She may not SEE this! Maybe it's kind of in her mind but not her heart.

Once she understands.... she MUST acknowledge to you that she fully understands.... Get her to verbalize this! If she can't.... Try to help her by being patient and understanding. Maybe it will take her time to absorb. Then ask if she is willing to help meet your needs. Have her express her feelings. Once she clearly understands... and has expressed herself, then you'll have a greater peace of mind once you have done this. 

Doing this step will help you confirm later by her actions wether she truly loves you and wants be a part of the marriage or not.*

Then give her what she needs. *TIME *without browbeating, pushing, comments, pouting... and within a reasonable time she should start showing signs of caring or not caring. But, you need to LET GO TOTALLY AND LET GOD DEAL WITH HER at that point. Continue to pray for your wife, and for her softened heart and opened mind.

If you continue to interfear after you have done all this GOD will NOT be jumping in your way to do what He is capable of doing. He honors your free will. He will YIELD and not intrude on your actions... no matter how wrong they may be. God empowers you in these times as long as you are willing to let go, do what is right, and simply trust Him. 

In the end it will have to be your wife's decision to change... And, it's also going to be based on her free will to change. God will certainly prompt her and help bring her closer to you in your mariage... but it is always a matter of both of you deciding individually to exersize your freewill in following His plan for your marriage. Either one of you may choose to remain hardened. 

Finally, CHECK YOURSELF. Are you truly holding up your end of the deal.... Discover any areas of resentment she may have towards you. Make changes, give love, be very patient, and remain faithful. This will take time for her to process. Ask God for His help and power inorder to strengthen you beyond the natural.

Be aware this whole process may take allot longer than you wish depending on your particular marriage situation... There are always consequences to our past actions or inactions that can surface and have an impact on our present situation. Every marriage has different roadblocks that can slow positive change down, and your marriage is no exception. Continue to move ahead, knowing that as long as you are on the right path your your good will come.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Wow! I'd bet you would be upset if your wife decided to go ahead and get her own escort. I'm sure she would also make sure the escort was using a condom while having sex with him. How would you feel if your wife paid someone else for sex? It's prostitution no matter how you look at it. I don't understand how you can truly love someone and cheat on them. It sounds like you didn't communicate your needs with your wife before you went ahead and did this. You are making excuses to try to justify what you have done. I hope for your wife's sake, you don't do it again. 

I know what it's like and to have medical issues. I'm disabled(I'm in my late 30's) from breaking my neck. Our sex life almost diminished until I realized what I was doing. My husband meets all my needs physically and emotionally through this process. He truly is in love with me. I've now figured out how important sex is on my own and try my best to please my husband. I know for a fact he never would cheat on me, it's not his character to and he is here helping me raise our children and making sure I'm doing okay. I live in chronic severe pain and it hasn't been easy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

How anyone can not feel for you or support you is beyond me. You should dump her or have an affair. 

I understand your choice, and if that works for you, all the power to you.

I for one wish you the best of luck.


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## furreal (Nov 11, 2011)

As a breast cancer survivor myself (full mastectomy) let me tell you, you won,t believe how much it affects your self image... I had always considered myself sexy for want of another word..But when diagnosed it left completely!! And has not returned that was 5 years ago...I would suggest that you try and start from the beginning with your wife.. even though she may have given in it does,nt mean that she wants you to.the very fact that you have just proves to her that she was right in her own mind that the cancer has made a difference and you don,t really see her the same way..Start by flirting with her make her laugh nothing physical start dating again but take it slow one step at a time..and as for the escort situation if this buys you a little bit of time and she will never find out (although I personally don,t agree with it but hey only you know what your needs are) if she feels that its her and nothing to do with her body that you want then in time she will come around.. but please don,t stop trying to show her that you really do love her..just a smile or a kind word just a brush of the hand ....if its hard on you imagine how she must be feeling ....


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

furreal said:


> As a breast cancer survivor myself (full mastectomy) let me tell you, you won,t believe how much it affects your self image... I had always considered myself sexy for want of another word..But when diagnosed it left completely!! And has not returned that was 5 years ago...I would suggest that you try and start from the beginning with your wife.. even though she may have given in it does,nt mean that she wants you to.the very fact that you have just proves to her that she was right in her own mind that the cancer has made a difference and you don,t really see her the same way..Start by flirting with her make her laugh nothing physical start dating again but take it slow one step at a time..and as for the escort situation if this buys you a little bit of time and she will never find out (although I personally don,t agree with it but hey only you know what your needs are) if she feels that its her and nothing to do with her body that you want then in time she will come around.. but please don,t stop trying to show her that you really do love her..just a smile or a kind word just a brush of the hand ....if its hard on you imagine how she must be feeling ....


First, let me say how sorry I am.... I can not begin to understand what you have gone through and wish you nothing but the best.

However the OP does not mention a masectomy, and has been loving, understanding and patient (if we believe what he says). Heck his dreams and fantasies are still all about her, regardless of her appearance (yep I'm shallow). Two years later, after counseling and discussions (see his second post), she WILL NOT EVEN CONSIDER PHYSICAL CLOSENESS OR DISCUSS IT FURTHER.

This all falls on her......


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

I can't hate in the OP, sounds like tried everything. Once u leave my bed... its a q
wrap!!! Not going to beg and plead for sex from the woman I viwed to spend the rest of my life with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

Havesomethingtosay said:


> First, let me say how sorry I am.... I can not begin to understand what you have gone through and wish you nothing but the best.


Why don't you go ahead and tell her what you told this OP? Tell her her husband needs to cheat on her.



> This all falls on her......


Ya, damn her for getting cancer.

Despicable.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

333Husband said:


> I keep repeating "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health...etc.etc." like it will somehow help with the parts of our relationship that have been ripped out of my mind. It is almost a curse, to be in love with a woman as cold as ice....
> 
> Divorce is out of the question, I married for life.
> 
> ...


I'm curious about why divorce is out of the question, but adultery is acceptable. Morally, each seems wrong. Although, I admit you're between a rock and a hard place.

However, divorce seems like the better option. If your wife has no desire for you, then leaving her probably won't impact her as much as it does many women. She may even be relieved to be rid of you and get her master bedroom back.

Divorce would also free you up to pursue romance with another woman who values you for more than the amount you're willing to pay for a few hours.

Sorry for what you're going through. And good luck.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Dexter Morgan said:


> Why don't you go ahead and tell her what you told this OP? Tell her her husband needs to cheat on her.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I will admit that the situation is tragic. But, the OP said his wife cut him off completely 10 years ago. Even if her lack of desire is 100% explainable by her health problems, it's not OK to expect her husband to remain celibate forever.

As the OP said, a handjob once a month (which would take 3 minutes) would send him over the moon. I don't think that's too much to ask. Even of a cancer survivor.


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> . Our sex life almost diminished until I realized what I was doing. My husband meets all my needs physically and emotionally through this process. He truly is in love with me. * I've now figured out how important sex is on my own and try my best to please my husband.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


As far as I am concerned this is where your situation is nothing like the OP. 

You try and care about his needs. The wife in the OP doesn't do either. I would have endless patience for a wife that simply cared but was unable to have sex. I have zero patience for the attitude "I no longer want sex, so get used to it because I have decided your sex life is over too."

For those concerned with legalisms, yes the OP is cheating. While I have lots of sympathy for the OP's wife in her battle with cancer, I have no real sympathy for any hurt feelings she may feel arising form the consequences of her unilateral withdrawal of all affection.


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

Trying not to feed the monster, but this post is 3 months old and only reason it has been resurrected (OP left after 1 day) is that Dexter Morgan is trying to make a point to everyone on TAM as to what a person I am, since he doesn't agree with my opinion.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

Havesomethingtosay said:


> Trying not to feed the monster, but this post is 3 months old and only reason it has been resurrected (OP left after 1 day) is that Dexter Morgan is trying to make a point to everyone on TAM as to what a person I am, since he doesn't agree with my opinion.


Doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that advising someone to cheat on a partner with a low sex drive that has been battling cancer is absolutely reprehensible.

Disagreeing with someones opinion is one thing.

Suggesting that someone cheat on a woman that has battled cancer goes beyond just disagreeing opinions. It says something about your character.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> I will admit that the situation is tragic. But, the OP said his wife cut him off completely 10 years ago. Even if her lack of desire is 100% explainable by her health problems, it's not OK to expect her husband to remain celibate forever.


You are right, its not. But advising someone to cheat? If its that important, OP should talk about options and let wife know that being sexless is something that is detrimental to the marriage and that, unless wife gives him the green light to cheat, the marriage will fail.


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## isla~mama (Feb 1, 2012)

I can't believe I'm saying this but wouldn't it be safer all around to seek out a "friend with benefits" over a prostitute? You are spending family money on a prostitute and risking STDs (condoms don't protect against a variety of the skin borne STDs). You can be sure she has slept with hundreds if not 1000+ men. A non-professional woman would be safer, and free.

That being said, don't try to fool yourself that you're not cheating, because you very much are!


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Dexter Morgan said:


> You are right, its not. But advising someone to cheat? If its that important, OP should talk about options and let wife know that being sexless is something that is detrimental to the marriage and that, unless wife gives him the green light to cheat, the marriage will fail.


I think divorce is the better option in this case. And I will say that 99% of cases of infidelity are morally unjustified. However, one spouse forcing the other to remain celibate for 10 years is, IMO, de facto permission to cheat.


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

OneMan said:


> This case makes it 100% because nobody made him stay in a sexually depriving marriage for that long. If he wanted some booty, then he should've left a long time ago.
> 
> The only reason why "divorce is out of the question" to him is because he wants to have his cake and eat it.


It seems they both want to pick and choose what they want from the marriage. 

If you are married and you have sex from with another person then that is by definition cheating. So that is technically correct 100% of the time until the court issues a divorce order. That is equally true if the spouse being cheated on was the perfect spouse, had made multiple attempts at killing the other spouse, or had simply walked away from the marriage years earlier.

It only gets confusing if you think that human relationships and morals are more complicated than legal formalism.


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

OneMan said:


> You're arguing semantics. Point blank, get a divorce instead of staying in a non-sexual marriage for years and then think you're automatically entitled to cheat.


Actually I was trying to argue against semantics. 

I am not supporting his decision since it requires dishonesty. But on the other hand, if she is actually hurt by his conduct (and the jury may be out on that since she may not care) she shouldn't waste a lot of time with self-pity or looking for sympathy. She must have missed the memo that if you unilaterally take away affection, bad things can happen in your marriage.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

OneMan said:


> This case makes it 100% because nobody made him stay in a sexually depriving marriage for that long. If he wanted some booty, then he should've left a long time ago.
> 
> The only reason why "divorce is out of the question" to him is because he wants to have his cake and eat it.


I agree, again, that divorce is the better option. However, the reason that infidelity is such a deep betrayal (usually) is that the loyal spouse is usually doing his or her best to provide for the disloyal spouse. When the disloyal spouse cheats, it tells the loyal spouse that he or she wasn't good enough to satisfy the disloyal spouse. That wreaks havoc on the loyal spouse's self-esteem and trust.

The marriage in this thread lacks that. The OP's wife is making absolutely no attempt to provide for his needs. I doubt she would even be upset if she knew he were cheating. She has given him permission.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

OneMan said:


> I agree to an extent, but the problem is not the betrayed spouse, it's the cheater. No matter how hard the betrayed spouse tried to please him/her, nothing they do can stop their partner from straying.


That's true. But you missed my point. The betrayed spouse becomes upset because the disloyal spouse isn't satisfied with his/her efforts. If the betrayed spouse isn't making any effort, the betrayed spouse doesn't suffer the same sense of betrayal. The BS may not even be upset.

Last year, Charl Schwartzel won the Masters and I didn't. That doesn't upset me. Because I didn't compete in the Masters. I never expected to win. Now, Jason Day was likely upset. He played well. He came in second behind Schwartzel. After the tournament, he was probably haunted by thoughts of missed opportunities that could have meant victory. If he learned that his caddie was secretly working for Schwartzel, and may have done something to cost him that championship, Day would likely feel a deep sense of betrayal.

Similarly, the OP's wife isn't even trying in her marriage. Of course she's not going to be that upset that some other woman won the sexual contest that the wife wasn't entered into.



OneMan said:


> So what if she's not doing her job? That does not mean go find another woman while stringing her along for your own ego. When you see someone else acting a fool out in the mall, it doesn't mean you do it too. Be mature about the situation and end it with your dignity retained. She is not holding a gun over his head and there was plenty of time where he could've divorced her. Now all of a sudden when he sees new booty on the line, he can't divorce her now. He has to damage her some more emotionally while he gets his piece of strange on the side.


You're making several assumptions that have no basis. First, you're assuming that a man being forced to remain celibate for many years is somehow getting an ego boost. I'm curious about how that works.

You're also assuming that a woman who is so disdainful of her husband that she can't even be bothered to touch him in a sexual way for ten years will somehow be emotionally damaged if her husband caves in, admits that he can't remain celibate for the rest of his life, and seeks someone to have sex with. And still tries to do it in the least disruptive manner possible.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

OneMan said:


> Oh so she's supposed to give him head so she doesn't lose him?:lol: Baloney. If he's not getting what he needs out of the marriage then call a damn lawyer. Withholding sex does not equal cheating.


You seem to have a fundamental misunderstanding of how marriage works.

Yes, wives who don't want to lose their husbands should give them head. Or handjobs. Or sex. That's how the world works. In the real world, men don't get married so they can remain celibate for the rest of their lives. You have marriage confused with the priesthood.

And I agree that withholding sex does not equal cheating. Beating your wife isn't cheating, either. Does that mean that they're both OK? Or can we state that they are both wrong, demeaning, and terribly hurtful?

I agree that the OP should get a divorce. He's wrong not to. But his wife is also wrong for not getting a divorce. And, really, she should have gotten a divorce first. If a wife decides, unilaterally, that she is done forever having sex with her husband, then she should divorce him and let him be happy elsewhere.


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## Zzyzx (Aug 24, 2011)

A friend's wife died of cancer last year at age 40. He told me that even as sick as she got during her last several months of life, her first thoughts were still of him (her 2nd husband) and her kids. Even though she had a mastectomy and was going through other treatment as the cancer was making a comeback, she was still game for trying to have sex with him. Of course there was the point when that wasn't possible anymore, but my friend was still deeply impressed by her awareness of others.

I know this is strictly an anecdote, but I wanted to emphasize that even the sick have choices about how they are around their loved ones. It is clear what choice the OP's wife has made. I'm not saying she should spread her legs and/or blow him; he is indicating that a handjob even just once a month might be sufficient to keep him mentally invested in the relationship but she won't even go there.

I've gone on record before as saying divorce before cheating, but I agree it is a tough decision as the wife has gone through so much already. However she is so caught in her own world that she appears to be unaware of or at least uncaring about what this is doing to him.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

OneMan said:


> But she didn't and he continued to stay with her and thus, making it his decision to divorce her. He sat there with her for YEARS, knowing that she was never going to change. That's his fault for staying so long knowing she wasn't going to move, and it's pretty dumb to claim how you're innocent now. I can see if he was here wanting to find out how to fix his marriage but it seems he feels he's entitled to have other women at his wife's expense and for that, I feel no sympathy for him. Withholding sex doesn't equal cheating, it equals divorce because all cheating is going to do is make the problems that you have now, ten times worse. And hasn't she battled cancer? Someone who has went through something so grueling and emotionally and physically taxing isn't going to feel up to getting romped in the bed every now and then. Just further shows he doesn't care a thing for her.


Do you know any of this, or are you just projecting?


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## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

OneMan said:


> And you don't even know what the word "marriage" means.
> 
> 
> 
> And hasn't she battled cancer? Someone who has went through something so grueling and emotionally and physically taxing isn't going to feel up to getting romped in the bed every now and then. Just further shows he doesn't care a thing for her.


OneMan - I do not know what marriage means to you. To me, it means a positive obligation to care about someone's needs and happiness, and to receive the same. When someone, who years removed from a serious illness refuses to put forth effort, I think she has divorced her husband. 

To tell a man about whom all we know is that his wife has given up on him (we do not have her story, maybe he was a jerk during her treatments) but he refuses to leave her, that he is more wrong about anything seems backward. She tacitly or explicitly said I do not care about you, but I am staying here - if you want out you must go on record as leaving a cancer survivor and the mother of your children. Unless she gives him permission to see other people (then, it is not cheating, still adultery, but not cheating), she puts him in the position of having to be the bad guy - cheat or divorce a cancer survivor. A wicked game!

He, in my view has license to fill his needs. He should be honest and at least relay a minimum amount of information, e.g., "just so you know, I will be seeking to have my needs met", so she can divorce him if she likes (sounds like this would be her out, so she can still call him the bad guy). 

Marriage does not mean, to me at least, accepting wanton cruelty and neglect. After you tell someone that you will never again have sex with them, you are either a complete moron or "shocked, that there is gambling going on . . ." if you think they are not looking elsewhere.


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## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

Why should he have to divorce her? Because his actions do not comport with OneMan's concept of marriage? OneMan, look at the thread, like your name implies you are alone on this. Everyone says he should be honest and divorce, but the primary blame is at her door. You ask "Show me where she said that to him"; well obviously we do not have all the facts, but he said "*After pressing the point for a few years*, I finally gave up, her kisses have gone cold, and she decided to start sleeping in another room to 'get a better nights sleep'. . . .

Resolution of the problem is shot here, *I have talked, we have gone to see someone to help*. *Sex in my marriage is over*, done, zilch, nada or whatever expression fits here."

What do you think they talked about? The weather? All we know is his side - despite years of effort, she has refused to consider accomodating his needs. Whether she explicitly acknowledges her refusal or does so implicitly, he understands loud and clear she will not ever budge.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

OneMan said:


> Nobody missed your point because they don't agree with it.


The only one I see making these vapid arguments is you. Are you referring to yourself in the plural?



OneMan said:


> The betrayed spouse becomes upset because they got screwed over.


According to whom? You're saying that the OP having a sex life is screwing his wife over? How does that work?



OneMan said:


> Based on who's opinion? Yours? Of course you think they won't be upset because you don't care about their feelings. Spouses who cheat don't care how their spouse feels, no matter how "bad" or "good" their marriage was.


So you believe that a woman who refuses to have sex with her husband for 10 years will be devastated to learn that he had sex outside the marriage? Seriously?



OneMan said:


> We're not here to discuss sports. Stay on topic, please.


Metaphor - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia



OneMan said:


> For all we know, judging from OP's selfish state of mind, he could be lying about how much she's doing.


No offense, but this is just stupid. The OP's story doesn't conform to your opinions, so you'll just assume he's lying and then berate him based upon your own assumptions?



OneMan said:


> Again a cheater will only think that way as an attempt to feel good about cheating on their wife. An affair is not a sexual contest and I'm not surprised you think it is, considering your little rant about some golf championship above. Immature way to view marriage. That's like a little kid acting out because they didn't get what they wanted from the toy store.


A marriage isn't a suicide pact, either. Despite your protestations to the contrary. I still don't understand your insistence that the wife will be upset about somebody getting what she doesn't want.



OneMan said:


> I'm not making any assumptions. I'm stating a fact: Cheating is unjustifiable. I'm not the one trying to justify sticking another woman because their wife is not giving up the ass 24/7.


10 years of celibacy is what you consider, "not giving up the ass 24/7?" No offense, again, but that's just stupid. Again.

I suppose I just have a more nuanced way of looking at the world than you do. I would say that cheating is unjustified in 99.9% of cases. But in a case where the wife refuses sex for 10 years, I think that might fall into the 0.1% of cases where you can make a good argument for it.



OneMan said:


> You're the only one making assumptions here that make no sense. You're assuming she sees her husband as disdainful because she's not having sex with him. Maybe she has a medical problem or some other emotional issue that needs addressing.


You think she has a medical problem that precludes sex for 10 years? Seriously? The only thing that I can imagine where a woman can't spare 20 minutes over the course of 10 years to provide for a basic, fundamental need of her husbands, is if she has a deep disdain for him.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

OneMan said:


> And you don't even know what the word "marriage" means.


So you're saying marriage does mean forced celibacy? Wow.



OneMan said:


> And you say my view of marriage is ****ed up?:rofl:


Absolutely. As I said before, marriage isn't a suicide pact. The husband doesn't promise to take any amount of sh!t his wife can dish out with a smile and keep asking for more.



OneMan said:


> Yes they're both hurtful but one wrong does not constitute another wrong, and a more hurtful one at that. He is a grown man. Nobody made him stay in that marriage for all those years without sex. Divorce if the problem is not fixed. You can't expect to talk about morals when you're doing something immoral yourself. That's jacked up thinking.


Where did I, or the OP, say that he's holier than the Pope? He's choosing something he considers the lesser of two evils (cheating or leaving). But I won't say it's more hurtful. How do you consider caving in under 10 years of celibacy to be worse than inflicting the 10 years of celibacy in the first place? Talk about jacked up thinking.



OneMan said:


> But she didn't and he continued to stay with her and thus, making it his decision to divorce her. He sat there with her for YEARS, knowing that she was never going to change. That's his fault for staying so long knowing she wasn't going to move, and it's pretty dumb to claim how you're innocent now.


He's not claiming he's innocent. And I guarantee you that he wished and hoped desperately that his wife was going to change. You're angry with him now because he couldn't predict the future?



OneMan said:


> I can see if he was here wanting to find out how to fix his marriage but it seems he feels he's entitled to have other women at his wife's expense and for that, I feel no sympathy for him.


How, exactly, is it at his wife's expense. His wife doesn't want a sex life with him. If he has sex with someone else, he isn't depriving his wife of anything that she cares about.



OneMan said:


> And hasn't she battled cancer? Someone who has went through something so grueling and emotionally and physically taxing isn't going to feel up to getting romped in the bed every now and then. Just further shows he doesn't care a thing for her.


Exactly how long does cancer knock out your libido? 15 years? 30 years? The rest of your life? She decides to stop providing for her husband's primary need inside the marriage and he's the selfish one? Give me a break.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

OneMan said:


> I never said it was MY concept of marriage. If you're an adult, you'd know that being mature gets you a long way in the world. Obviously you're a cheater who thinks they're entitled to cheat.


Let me get this straight. You berate SprucHub for being immature. Then, you assume that, because he has a different opinion than you do, he must be an adulterer.
Irony - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia



OneMan said:


> Ooooh I'm so offended you made fun of my screen name.:lol: Yea you think you're hot stuff because a few cheaters agree with you.


So, we're all cheaters now? Awesome.

I guess if the whole world disagrees with you, that just proves how wrong the world is, right?



OneMan said:


> Whatever dude. Cheating is wrong and immoral but it's obvious you've never used your head instead for once in your life. This testosterone bullcrap you're frothing off at the mouth is unjustifiable, no matter how you spin it. Fact of the matter is he should divorce his wife instead of continuing on his selfish ego trip. He should've done it years ago.


Your unthinking tirades are getting old. You should get some sleep. Tomorrow is a school day.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

OneMan said:


> You're a cheater, so I'm not surprised you only think about yourself.:sleeping::sleeping::sleeping:


Wrong again. But I'm sure that, if you keep typing, you'll hit upon something that is correct. It's the whole, infinite monkeys eventually typing the complete works of Shakespeare theorem.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

OneMan said:


> Have you read his posts or are you just projecting?


I read it. There is just a lot of stuff you are stating as a fact that is not found in that post. So my question is do you have a factual basis for these statements, or are you just projecting what you think has occured?


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Well, not that I really want to get in the middle of this little drama, but the OP hasn't been back since he originally posted months ago - so any discussion/debate is likely not being of any benefit to him.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Enchantment said:


> Well, not that I really want to get in the middle of this little drama, but the OP hasn't been back since he originally posted months ago - so any discussion/debate is likely not being of any benefit to him.


Exactly. OneMan is either a troll, or a moron. Either way, I have more important things to do. I'm out of this thread.


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## Dude80 (Sep 18, 2012)

You are not alone in this. I was married at 22 and my wife was 19. A year later we found out she had cancer. We had a rocky start with our marriage which lead to no sex or intimacy. After she was diagnosed it went down hill. It's now 10 years later, she is still fighting the cancer and I'm still fighting the demons. I've hit a low many times and been on medication and seen a counselor. Friends and family are also no help, they tell me to cut my losses and leave. As bad as it sounds the counsoler told me the same thing. I love my wife and would never leave. I have had one night stands on several occasions which I felt horrible afterwords about but the urge to have sex went way down and stayed down for some time. I reverted to porn which I was scorned for. The porn was the only thing that has been keeping the urge down. She knows how I feel about us not having sex but what really upsets me is that she doesnt even try. If she is having treatments I don't bother her but when she has been on a long break and is able she won't even try.
She also won't talk to a doctor about it, I know if I'm this depresses and need medication she needs it more than me, ive tryed to get her to say something but she just won't. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. When she sees how I react to her saying no she gets depressed and says its more like we are just best friends who take care of each other. So in the end I just like you I also don't know what to do. I guess I will just be miserable and do nothing. Let me know if you came up with any good ideas on how to handle this.


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## joem789 (Oct 27, 2012)

My wife and I have been married for 18 years and have 3 kids. As a husband with my own needs, it has been frustrating at times. Sex is just one part of a relationship. And even in the Bible, a man's "needs" are emphasized exclusively. But of course, a woman's importance is never removed. But it amazes me how many women with "feminist" attitudes chime in with such a one-sided view of things. I don't think the guy "cheated" on his wife. He was pushed toward what he did over time. There's a different between having a selfish heart and a hurting one.

For the longest time, older men have had a mistress while the wife new about it. Yet, she let it go because she understood the reasoning. Of course, those wives were of the traditional faith and not some "women's rights" movement which does nothing but erase the God given difference between man and woman. And there is a huge difference sexually. Men are the sexually dominate creatures for a reason. It's called procreation. We are driven to populate the earth. To not satisfy our "urges" leads to both physical and mental problems. This is not true of women. Furthermore, the male body does not understand that a wife has been shut down. It only knows that it needs every so often. I think the OP has given himself the bare minimum for the sake of carrying the least amount of guilt. 

I personally could never hire someone to satisfy me. Mainly because I think prostitution is filthy and immoral. But I could never say that I am above becoming sexually attracted to another woman to the point of ending up in some fling. I say to all men out there. Try doing without sex for 10 or more years. You'll be so horny that your mind will constantly wander. Your eyes will notice more. And all it takes is the right co-worker to magnetize you. We do have the ability hold out for the sake of marriage. But only so far. To live a life of celibacy is abnormal. Just look at the crimes committed by Catholic priests. No man on Earth is above God's powerful command of procreation. Imagine how the world would be if half of all men had wives who shut down. Would that justify "cheating"? I think the good of the one is just as important as the good of the many.

My wife is in her late 30s and we have yet to figure out if her tubule or her last pregnancy is the cause of her lack of sex drive. But I do understand and agree that it is likely the usual hormonal issues that today's women have to deal with. I view the problem as a medical issue. And that helps me hold on. But I do have my days of intense frustration. Even if my wife tries to "fool around", it is as if she has forgotten the tricks. It feels like a hired hand rather than being with someone who has a passion for it. I have occasionally come in contact with other women in certain situations where something could have brewed if given the right opportunity. But I never pursued it for obvious reasons. I do love my wife and believe in sacrifice. But like any other man, I am sometimes at the mercy of my own screaming hormones. I can honestly say that it is possible that another woman could end up in my life sometime in the future. I dread the thought. Sometimes I think having my own sex drive removed might cure the problem. But it would likely create something else.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> After much research, I recently went to see a high end escort.


OP,I just looked over the marriage ceremony. And, well, maybe it's me, but in my copy, I don't see anywhere where it says: "For better, or worse... But sex with prostitutes is allowable."

You did wrong there. Really. Please don't make the same mistake, again. You cheated on your wife. And that's not good.

I DO appreciate your problem. I have some personal experience with a wife who is often too poorly to have sex.

But seeking out prostitutes? I don't think that's a good idea.


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## Zzyzx (Aug 24, 2011)

I've always said one should leave rather than cheat. Both actions destroy families, but at least one doesn't pretend the family is important.

On the other side of it, it's one thing to lose the libido and to acknowledge that, but it's a whole other thing when the libido-less person will not even come close to caring about the spouse's needs let alone trying to do something about them. That constitutes marital abandonment as far as I'm concerned and that sick person better at least acknowledge the gift of the loyal spouse who sticks around anyway.


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