# Affection and Intimacy Starved



## lonely32 (Jun 29, 2014)

I meet my now husband when we were both 17. He was my first everything. He used to be very romantic and affectionate at first. We got married after going out for 5 years. He started changing even before we got married. He treats me like a friend rather than his wife. A lot of times people think we are brother and sister. He will hold my hand once in a while, but I feel we do things only when he wants to...He doesn't like to be touched now, he gets annoyed when I try to touch him. He doesn't like to kiss either or foreplay. He pushes me away or acts annoyed when I try to kiss him or get close to him. In the sex department I used to initiate sex most of the time, but this has gotten old so I have stopped. We have sex when he wants to but he doesn't kiss me or hold me. When we do, he will wake me in the middle of the night by rubbing against me and fingering me to get me ready. There is no kissing, no caressing or holding. Most of the time I just feel angry and resentful. I have talked to him numerous times and explained how I feel and how important affection is to me, but he tells me that he just doesn't like to. He even compared me to our dog, who always wants to be petted and pesters. I feel like every time he pushes me away we are getting further and further apart. I am so tired of begging for affection. It is making me bitter and angry. Next week is our 10 year wedding anniversary and I don't feel excited about it. Is it time to go? Am I wrong to want my husband to be more passionate and affectionate? I feel hopeless and worthless...


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## finding-a-path (May 1, 2014)

lonely32 said:


> I meet my now husband when we were both 17. He was my first everything. He used to be very romantic and affectionate at first. We got married after going out for 5 years. He started changing even before we got married. He treats me like a friend rather than his wife. A lot of times people think we are brother and sister. He will hold my hand once in a while, but I feel we do things only when he wants to...He doesn't like to be touched now, he gets annoyed when I try to touch him. He doesn't like to kiss either or foreplay. He pushes me away or acts annoyed when I try to kiss him or get close to him. In the sex department I used to initiate sex most of the time, but this has gotten old so I have stopped. We have sex when he wants to but he doesn't kiss me or hold me. When we do, he will wake me in the middle of the night by rubbing against me and fingering me to get me ready. There is no kissing, no caressing or holding. Most of the time I just feel angry and resentful. I have talked to him numerous times and explained how I feel and how important affection is to me, but he tells me that he just doesn't like to. He even compared me to our dog, who always wants to be petted and pesters. I feel like every time he pushes me away we are getting further and further apart. I am so tired of begging for affection. It is making me bitter and angry. Next week is our 10 year wedding anniversary and I don't feel excited about it. Is it time to go? Am I wrong to want my husband to be more passionate and affectionate? I feel hopeless and worthless...


can you both read the books 'his needs her needs' and the 5 love languages? And how is he in other areas? Does he give you gifts? Does he arrange date nights? Does he talk with you? Does he help with housework? He might be showing love through those.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anomnom (Jun 25, 2012)

lonely32 said:


> I have talked to him numerous times and explained how I feel and how important affection is to me, but he tells me that he just doesn't like to. He even compared me to our dog, who always wants to be petted and pesters.


This is no way to live  Marriage isn't just about his needs. If your needs aren't being met also and he doesn't help you fix things, it's time to leave. Put a time limit on it, 3-6 months, tell him, and if he makes no effort you can walk away knowing you did everything you could. 

Do you have kids together?


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## flyer (Jun 23, 2014)

lonely32 said:


> I meet my now husband when we were both 17. He was my first everything. He used to be very romantic and affectionate at first. We got married after going out for 5 years. He started changing even before we got married. He treats me like a friend rather than his wife. A lot of times people think we are brother and sister. He will hold my hand once in a while, but I feel we do things only when he wants to...He doesn't like to be touched now, he gets annoyed when I try to touch him. He doesn't like to kiss either or foreplay. He pushes me away or acts annoyed when I try to kiss him or get close to him. In the sex department I used to initiate sex most of the time, but this has gotten old so I have stopped. We have sex when he wants to but he doesn't kiss me or hold me. When we do, he will wake me in the middle of the night by rubbing against me and fingering me to get me ready. There is no kissing, no caressing or holding. Most of the time I just feel angry and resentful. I have talked to him numerous times and explained how I feel and how important affection is to me, but he tells me that he just doesn't like to. He even compared me to our dog, who always wants to be petted and pesters. I feel like every time he pushes me away we are getting further and further apart. I am so tired of begging for affection. It is making me bitter and angry. Next week is our 10 year wedding anniversary and I don't feel excited about it. Is it time to go? Am I wrong to want my husband to be more passionate and affectionate? I feel hopeless and worthless...



This is my story to the tee. Except, my wife is exactly like your husband. We've been married 33 years, it seemed to get really bad in the last 1-2 years (no sex in a year & a half). I'm 55, she's 52. Neither one of us have any medical issues or weight problems. She has NEVER been really affectionate. I have always had to initiate everything. The last time I tried to "get close", she just sccooted away to her side of the bed and turned her back to me. We've never had any fights, never. I just won't! And I've never raised my voice at her. It never solves anything. Any time I'v tried to discuss a touchy subject with her, she gets defensive, so I don't go any further with it.
We have 2 daughters, 20 & 25, & I've talked to them about how their guys need to be treated. ie If they're rejected, they'll look elsewhere. I, on the other hand, can't afford to look elsewhere. I have WAY too much to loose. 
I'm working, in my mind, on a way to talk to her, without rousing her defenses.

Sorry for the hijack, but I needed to vent.
However, it is somewhat comforting to know I'm not the only one in this type of situation.


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## Sunburn (Jul 9, 2012)

lonely32 said:


> I meet my now husband when we were both 17. He was my first everything. He used to be very romantic and affectionate at first. We got married after going out for 5 years. He started changing even before we got married. He treats me like a friend rather than his wife.........



Do you have children?

Sometimes after you have children a mans view of his wife makes an abrupt change. He may no longer view you as his lover but as just a mother, like his mother. Granted, you said he started to change before you were married but having children could have amplified it.


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## Vanton68 (Feb 5, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your husband's treatment of you is unacceptable.

If you are done with this then go see an attorney and file for divorce. Do you have children? Do you have a job outside the home?

If you want to try to fix your marriage then give it a shot but put a time limit on it.

If you can afford it, get into MC if he will go. Otherwise you get into IC.

There are some books that will help you quite a bit. 

Start with "Divorce Busing". When you read it pay special attention to the chapter on the 180. (it's not the 180 linked to in my signature block below)

After that read "His Need, Her Needs"

besides his refusal to be affectionate and sexual with you, what complaints does he have about you and your marriage?


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## lonely32 (Jun 29, 2014)

Sunburn said:


> Do you have children?
> 
> We dont have children.
> 
> Sometimes after you have children a mans view of his wife makes an abrupt change. He may no longer view you as his lover but as just a mother, like his mother. Granted, you said he started to change before you were married but having children could have amplified it.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lonely32 (Jun 29, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Your husband's treatment of you is unacceptable.
> 
> 
> If you are done with this then go see an attorney and file for divorce. Do you have children? Do you have a job outside the home?
> ...


He tells me I am boring and that I never want to do anything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

After ten years, he's comfortable. Secure. Doesn't have to try as hard. Committed. And, yes, lazy.

He doesn't feel he has to work that hard at courting you like he did when the beginning of the relationship was new, exciting, things to explore and DO. Now, it's yeah, you know, this is married life.

Well, that sucks. He gave up working to keep a relationship alive and finally, you caved in also. 

Ten years. That's eternity yet a drop in the bucket. You BOTH have a responsibility to keep a thriving relationship healthy and happy. You can't do it alone. It does take his participation. Remind each other, every day, what makes your Love special and unique.

Ok, so he wakes you up in the middle of the night. Really, if you think about it in global terms, he STILL wants sex with you. Take it and run with it. Tell him the next morning how relaxed you are, write a note "Last night was great!" Or even start initiating on your own.

You made it ten years. Congrats!

Keep it going...


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## Sunburn (Jul 9, 2012)

Revamped said:


> Ok, so he wakes you up in the middle of the night. Really, if you think about it in global terms, he STILL wants sex with you. Take it and run with it. Tell him the next morning how relaxed you are, write a note "Last night was great!" Or even start initiating on your own.
> 
> You made it ten years. Congrats!
> 
> Keep it going...


Yeah, stick it out another 10 years getting treated no better than a hooker.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Gimme a break.

If that's all you see then the divorce rate should be at 95%.

This marriage is fixable. But it takes work and flexibility.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lonely32 said:


> He tells me I am boring and that I never want to do anything.


Are you boring and never what to do anything?

What does he want you to do that you won't do?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Revamped said:


> After ten years, he's comfortable. Secure. Doesn't have to try as hard. Committed. And, yes, lazy.
> 
> He doesn't feel he has to work that hard at courting you like he did when the beginning of the relationship was new, exciting, things to explore and DO. Now, it's yeah, you know, this is married life.
> 
> ...




He does not want to give her pleasure. He wants to use her for sex.

This is an unloving thing to do.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Revamped said:


> Gimme a break.
> 
> If that's all you see then the divorce rate should be at 95%.
> 
> This marriage is fixable. But it takes work and flexibility.


How is she supposed to initiate sex if he's told her to not touch him?

How is she supposed to get him to realize that sex is for her too.. not just for him in the middle of the night?


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## lonely32 (Jun 29, 2014)

finding-a-path said:


> can you both read the books 'his needs her needs' and the 5 love languages? And how is he in other areas? Does he give you gifts? Does he arrange date nights? Does he talk with you? Does he help with housework? He might be showing love through those.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He wants to show me affection by buying me things, but I have told him I don't care about materialistic things. He wants to fix everything with money, when I ask for a massage he tells me he will take me to get one. He won't let me give him one either. We go out to the movies and out to eat a lot. We are good friends, but I also want a husband.


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## lonely32 (Jun 29, 2014)

intheory said:


> This means something. I don't know what exactly. He _does_ want sex with you; but in this peculiar manner.
> 
> Is it a way for him to get off real fast without having to bother with what you might want? So, that's selfishness, plain and simple.
> 
> * Why* is it really exciting for him to wake up in the middle of the night and have sex at odd hours...could you ask him?


He says that's when he is relaxed and rested


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## lonely32 (Jun 29, 2014)

Anomnom said:


> Do you have kids together?


We don't have kids.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lonely32 said:


> He says that's when he is relaxed and rested


How does he spend the rest of his day? Why is not not relaxed and rested until the middle of the night?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Are you boring and never what to do anything?
> 
> What does he want you to do that you won't do?


The answer to this would be very helpful.


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## lonely32 (Jun 29, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Are you boring and never what to do anything?
> 
> What does he want you to do that you won't do?


I don't think I am. I have Lupus and fibromyalgia so I am tired and hurting a lot of the time, but I push myself through it and do things he wants to do like going on trips, shopping, ATVing.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lonely32 said:


> I don't think I am. I have Lupus and fibromyalgia so I am tired and hurting a lot of the time, but I push myself through it and do things he wants to do like going on trips, shopping, ATVing.


Your health issues can be a huge drain on him. I wonder if that's part of the problem.

So when he wants you to do things you don't turn him down?


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## lonely32 (Jun 29, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> So when he wants you to do things you don't turn him down?


I am game to do whatever he wants most of the time. He likes to travel a lot and sometimes I am not as enthusiastic about planning for trips. I do enjoy trips and I push myself to go, but they are draining. An example is the first time we went to Vegas. We were there for a week, but we walked the whole strip, went and saw all the hotels in a few days.He has a lot of energy and likes to always be doing something, chilling enjoying our house is doing nothing to him. He is always planning the next toy he wants to buy.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lonely32 said:


> I am game to do whatever he wants most of the time. He likes to travel a lot and sometimes I am not as enthusiastic about planning for trips. I do enjoy trips and I push myself to go, but they are draining. An example is the first time we went to Vegas. We were there for a week, but we walked the whole strip, went and saw all the hotels in a few days.He has a lot of energy and likes to always be doing something, chilling enjoying our house is doing nothing to him. He is always planning the next toy he wants to buy.


Ok I get it. 

The two of you are on different energy levels. To him your low energy probably look boring. 

On the other hand, if he's so high energy, why is he only relaxed and rested enough for sex after sleeping some in the middle of the night? This makes no sense.

It's very rude to always and only have sex in the middle of the night when he has to wake you up.

I don't recall. Do you have a job? Do you have to get up in the morning a function at a particular time so that losing sleep is hard on you?

You say that your husband buys you things and buys himself toys. My bet is that this is how he shows love. And it's not your love language. Touch and affection is how you feel love.

There is a book people talk about here: The Five Languages of Love. It would help you both to read it and learn about each other through it.


We tend to show love in the way we feel loved. So he's buying you stuff but you just don't feel the love. 

Have Lupus and Fibromyalgia is very hard to deal with. It's probably hard for him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Oh I meant to ask. Does your husband spend a lot of time away from home.. like out with friends leaving you alone?


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## Anomnom (Jun 25, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> On the other hand, if he's so high energy, why is he only relaxed and rested enough for sex after sleeping some in the middle of the night? This makes no sense.


My guess is that by doing this he is avoiding the intimacy that goes with 'normal' sex..foreplay, kissing, touching, talking. By waking her in the night rubbing up against her is pretty much just sticking it in and finishing, doesn't sound like the OP gets anything out of it at all.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> He does not want to give her pleasure. He want to use her for sex.
> 
> This is an unloving thing to do.


Selfish, yes. But unloving? I'm not so sure.


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## lonely32 (Jun 29, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> He does not want to give her pleasure. He wants to use her for sex.
> 
> This is an unloving thing to do.


Our 10th year anniversary is today and he forgot. I have not told him anything yet. Should I say something today or wait until tomorrow?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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