# My wife seems selfish and controlling



## notknow (Aug 3, 2013)

I work from my house and so I have flexibility to pick up the kids or take them to activities. Recently, during the work week I took my daughter to cross country and picked her up so my wife could go play tennis. Then I get a call from my wife and she asks me to pick up my daughter from tennis in the afternoon so that she could go over to a friends house who has a pool and is taking my other daughter. I say okay but let her know in the evening I can't pick up our daughter from another activity because I am playing tennis myself. She says no problem that she would be back then. But later she calls me and says she wants to go out to eat crabs with her friend and that I need to pick up my daughter. I tell her no and that while working I did all these other things so she would be free and I have a commitment.

She basically starts yelling at me and the result now is she doesn't let me pick up the kids or take them anywhere. I don't have a problem with taking the kids to events and enjoy it but sometimes it feels like she is just taking advantage and only taking into account her needs. My wife has a lot of free time and does not work. She plays tennis on multiple teams, gets together with her friends when she wants to and has free reign over our checking account. She does do things for the family but is very controlling. Now I feel like I am being punished because I have things I like to do too. I can't even get her to understand that she is being selfish and I need some time to do things as well.

In fact, as a separate subject, when I get together with a friend for lunch she is always acting like I should not be allowed to do that. While I don't track her comings or goings at all.

Don't know what to do.


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

Hmmmm...Your wife doesn't let you?? This is such an alarming statement when people write that their spouse won't let them do something. Aren't you an adult? Can't you make decisions for yourself? Seriously, your wife is being a little selfish. If you had agreed on something beforehand, she cannot suddenly change the plans. Have a sit down and hash out a schedule.


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## notknow (Aug 3, 2013)

I agree with what you are saying about the "adult part". Generally, I am trying to be accomodating and it back fires. In return when I can't come through it's as though she is trying to control my access to our kids. But then again, I am not sure what she is trying to accomplish. In the end, for instance today, she insisted on taking the kids when I was walking out the door with them and later she fought with the kids during the drive to drop my daughter off at work and threatened she wasn't going to drive her anymore. I took my daughter around to get that job and try to drive her as often as possible because work is an important life lesson.

I ended up picking her up but my wife wanted me to show up late to make her wait because of the argument. It's quite a difficult situation. When I try to have a rational discussion about it, it's as if my wife can't understand any other point of view.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

"Let"?

That's the operative word right there...

You sound like you're on the short lease.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

You'll probably get better results if you start being the "man" in the relationship. So, it's time to add some judicious cave man to your behavior. Take over the bank and give her an allowance. You tell her how it's going to be. You'll get more sex out of her in the bargain. I highly recommend you read this book. MMSLP. It's about how to appeal to your wife's real needs and not her stated needs in a relationship. The principles outlined therein are backed with a lot of semi-solid "science" (hey, it's social science) and lots of hard solid empirical observation of women since the beginning of time. You should probably also read "NMMNG." Both authors also have blogs with a lot of good stuff.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

notknow said:


> She basically starts yelling at me and the result now is she doesn't let me pick up the kids or take them anywhere.


LOL! I'd be quiet as a mouse about that one.  She just cut off her nose to spite her face. Like if my husband said to me "I hate the way you do laundry! You aren't allowed to do it anymore; I'm going to do ALL of it!" :scratchhead: OK- suit yourself

You can pick the kids events you want to attend and just bring your own car.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Could she be she using reverse psychology on you because you tend to oppositional?

Wife: You may NOT pick up those children!

Husband: What? You ***** telling me what I can and cannot do! By golly, I'm picking up those children every chance I get and YOU CAN'T STOP ME!


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Machiavelli said:


> You'll probably get better results if you start being the "man" in the relationship. So, it's time to add some judicious cave man to your behavior. *Take over the bank and give her an allowance.* You tell her how it's going to be. You'll get more sex out of her in the bargain. I highly recommend you read this book. MMSLP. It's about how to appeal to your wife's real needs and not her stated needs in a relationship. The principles outlined therein are backed with a lot of semi-solid "science" (hey, it's social science) and lots of hard solid empirical observation of women since the beginning of time. You should probably also read "NMMNG." Both authors also have blogs with a lot of good stuff.


 They need a "dislike" button.

"give her an allowance" and you are liable to become a divorced man because *controlling* the finances is considered abusive in an adult married relationship... just sayin'

That said, I think NMMNG has some good insights. Read it free here. I found nothing in there advocating that an H should be controlling of the the family money. The opposite, really:

QUOTED FROM _"No More Mr Nice Guy"_:

Nice Guys have a difficult time comprehending that we live in an abundant, ever-expanding universe. They tend to see the goodies as being in short supply. They hang on tightly to what they've got, fearing there won't be more when it is gone. *They believe they have to control and manipulate to ensure that what little is out there won't go away. *They play it safe, not trusting that their needs will always be abundantly met.

This paradigm of scarcity can be illustrated by a Nice Guy named Russell. As a successful salesman, Russell earned a comfortable six-figure income. He religiously put forty percent of his take home pay into savings and investments. He kept a minimum balance of $30,000 in his checking account. In spite of his ability to create financial wealth, Russell was controlled by his deprivation thinking. *Russell was so afraid of financial ruin that he would not allow his wife to buy a $9.00 video for his children at Costco if it wasn't in the budget.* 

Russell's deprivation thinking in regard to money was a reflection of his view of the world in general. His father was miserly and rigid. He seemed to single Russell out for critical treatment, while heaping praise and favor on his two brothers. Later, before he died, his father cut Russell out of his will and gave Russell's share to the church. It is no wonder that Russell viewed the world through lenses clouded by deprivation.

When we come to see the world as a place of abundance we come to realize that *there is plenty for everyone.* Everything we need is flowing by us — all we have to do is get out of the way of our own small thinking and let it come.​


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Yes, your wife seems selfish, manipulative and controlling. 

This behavior does not happen in our home. Our children are very busy with sports and activities pretty much daily. 

I would put a stop to this right away. She is putting herself before her own children, now that's extremely sad.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

You use "*my* daughter" and "*our* children". Did your wife birth them all or is the one she wanted to punish by picking her up late from work a stepchild?



> * she fought with the kids* during the drive to drop my daughter off at work and threatened she wasn't going to drive her anymore. I took my daughter around to get that job and try to drive her as often as possible because work is an important life lesson.
> 
> I ended up picking her up but my wife wanted me to show up late to make her wait because of the argument. It's quite a difficult situation.* When I try to have a rational discussion about it, it's as if my wife can't understand any other point of view*.


How old is your wife? Could she be peri-menopausal?


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

> *I took my daughter around to get that job* and try to drive her as often as possible *because work is an important life lesson.*


*You* signed your daughter up for that so you should be driving her for that. That's how I would view it (unless you discussed it thoroughly with your wife beforehand and negotiated the driving). 

Living in the boonies as we do, driving is a MAJOR commitment and the children have quite a lot of restrictions on their activities based on the amt of driving involved. I let our 15 yod work at a bakery once (6 years ago) and learned my lesson! I don't let our teenagers work anymore till they have their license. With gas at $4/gallon, the 20 mile round trip drive, and minimum wage for a few hours after school it was a wash... They can work for me at home. I pay an hourly rate of (grade in School)-$2 and have a list of chores posted


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

notknow said:


> Don't know what to do.


Find your testes. They are probably small and retracted up in your stomach by now.

Reading No More Mr. Nice Guy might help you find them and let them drop to their normal resting place.


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## evenstar (Jul 26, 2013)

Sounds to me like your wife is very disrespectful of your time.

I would look together at the kids' activities for the week ahead, and work out who is responsible for which ones. If she calls to ask you to take one of hers because she's at the pool or whatever, don't do it. Make sure the kids know the schedule also, so she can't badmouth you to them. 

Don't fall for the temper tantrum crap where she says you "can't" drive them any more. Ugh. 

She sounds really spoiled to me. She has the luxury of not having to work, a social life to her liking, and a husband who does a good share of kid transportation. She shouldn't be complaining.


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