# How to be happy after divorce?



## silva.acadia (Nov 21, 2020)

I thought I would be free after divorce, but how can I be free if I’m still scared of him?

I’m still scared one day he might shoot me dead like he threatened me, restraining order or not, there’s no guarantee stopping him from really doing that. I’ve bought baseball bat, stun gun to reassure myself but I’m still a little concerned. Would it help if I get a gun license?

Also, now I’ve slipped into... blues mode. It’s been a year ish, I don’t think I’m sad over my marriage anymore. I knew it was over a long time ago, I just stayed because I thought I was doing it for the kid but staying was a mistake, more harm than good. He was very abusive and being the witness to all that traumatized the kid. I should’ve left sooner.

Anyway, the last few months, I found myself becoming sad, feeling empty, cry for no reason, emotionally drained. My question is, any suggestion how to cheer myself up? I tried distracting myself with work. Not working, now I’m having trouble focusing. Also, in case what you have in mind is start another relationship, be it casual or hang out... sorry, I don’t think I’m ready for it yet.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

silva.acadia said:


> Anyway, the last few months, I found myself becoming sad, feeling empty, cry for no reason, emotionally drained. My question is, any suggestion how to cheer myself up? I tried distracting myself with work. Not working, now I’m having trouble focusing. Also, in case what you have in mind is start another relationship, be it casual or hang out... sorry, I don’t think I’m ready for it yet.


It sounds like you would benefit from speaking to your doctor about trying anti-depressants, and therapy as well. 

Do you have any hobbies or do any volunteering? It's certainly harder with covid but keeping busy with things that you enjoy or make you feel good can help. You can look for ideas on Meetup and VolunteerMatch.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Double post


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## silva.acadia (Nov 21, 2020)

Hi. Thanks for fast reply. Isn’t meetup more of dating site? Sorry it just sounds like it. I thought of getting a job I like earlier this year then covid hit and it’s not available to work from home and ... I don’t really want to leave my kid at daycare with covid going... I used to see therapist before I was separated. Now I can’t afford it.


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## silva.acadia (Nov 21, 2020)

I have underlying health condition.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

silva.acadia said:


> Hi. Thanks for fast reply. Isn’t meetup more of dating site? Sorry it just sounds like it. I thought of getting a job I like earlier this year then covid hit and it’s not available to work from home and ... I don’t really want to leave my kid at daycare with covid going... I used to see therapist before I was separated. Now I can’t afford it.


Have you talked to your doctor about these depression symptoms? Some therapists use a sliding scale, which may make it an option for you. 

Meetup isn't a hookup site. There are lots of different groups and events that you can find based on your interests. They are online and in-person. It can help find or try out things you're interested in, and meet people with similar interests - new friends can be good. 

They also have free events for mental wellness (anxiety, depression, self-compassion, mindfulness, etc) that may help you.


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## nypsychnurse (Jan 13, 2019)

Join a support group, take up some hobbies, plenty of inexpensive ones such as learning to bake, gardening/houseplants, exercise, learning another language, increase your circle of friends, reach out to family members, ect

Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


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## cma62 (Jul 31, 2010)

Dating should be the last thing on your mind, which you have said you are not ready for so good
Spend some time nurturing yourself back to emotional health .
Hobbies, friends , volunteer at a soup kitchen or animal shelter.
Sounds like a chat with your doctor or community health support might be beneficial.
Living with abuse changes your brain chemistry.
You will be on high alert for any perceived danger to you or your children . Many triggers from everyday life and from people around you can set you back.
It isn’t something you can heal from overnight. Be patient with yourself. It takes time
Embrace your bad days, you will have them , but don’t wallow in the negative thinking for too long.

Do something for yourself everyday.
Go for a walk , take a long leisurely bath.
Call or FaceTime a friend, 
Watch the sun rise and sunset, they do wonders for the soul. Know that you did not cause your abuse .
If you fear for your safety, reach out to someone that can protect you .
Your instincts are probably spot on ...
better to be safe than sorry .
Abuse is insidious and it sometimes doesn’t stop due to separation.


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## silva.acadia (Nov 21, 2020)

Thanks everyone for all the helpful comments. Bob, I checked the volunteer link you posted and applied for “read for blind/visually impaired people”, I’ll check that meetup, book club sounds good.

@nypsychnurse I would really appreciate it if you know of any online support group. To be honest, I’ve heard of support groups, but not virtual/online and I’ve never been to one. I actually can use 4 languages including my native language but I’m ashamed to say while I’ve planned to revise all of them, my current state of emotions render me... difficult to concentrate so... so far only 2 I am fluent, the other 2 are mostly fluent in just everyday language but rusty in technical terms (I was fluent in technical terms 5 years ago in all of the languages). That’s pretty much useless in professional work industry.

@cma62 could you tell me more about this community health support? I had a stroke earlier this year, now my parents oppose me from working using my brain, afraid I overwork it. I don’t want to leave home either, underlying health condition, heart problem. I wish there is someone I can count on to protect me but there’s no one, I can only count on myself. I wonder if I get a license then buy a gun, would I be less scared?

I’ve also been thinking about moving to another state. Would that help my state of mind?


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## cma62 (Jul 31, 2010)

Oh my goodness you are paranoid for your safety and i don’t say this to be mean .
You cant be constantly worried and looking iver your shoulder.
You could probably get some free counseling from your local women’s shelter.
This is no way to live.
Please advocate for yourself


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## silva.acadia (Nov 21, 2020)

I try talking to my parents. It doesn’t help. I end up... I can’t talk to my dad. He just scold me. My dad is ... too tough and me being emotional is something... too out of the blue for him to understand. My mum... how do I put it? I know Mum is supposed to be our support and role model. My mum is... sophisticated but she’s too soft, I’m always one tough cookie. Mum is always one to break down and I’m always the one to comfort her. The last time she saw me being vulnerable, she was restless, fidgety, and ... she got hypertension and she’s over 65 now, I don’t want anything to happen because she can’t handle it.

I used to love walking along quiet sandy beach but since I got married and moved here, there’s no beach. I tried reading mystery novels which is my other hobby, but even that, I find myself losing focus. I just stare into space. I should see therapist but I’m out of job and I can’t pay for therapist now. I can barely keep up with food and mortgage and my kid’s necessities.


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## silva.acadia (Nov 21, 2020)

@cma62 he tried to kill me several times during marriage.


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## silva.acadia (Nov 21, 2020)

I wish I’m just paranoid, but I’m afraid he may want revenge


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## silva.acadia (Nov 21, 2020)

It’s funny I was actually considering going into hiding, shelter but now shelter is also ... covid high risk so I’ve decided to take my chance out in the open but I wonder what other precautions I can take to protect myself. I was going to move out of state earlier this year. Bad timing.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

silva.acadia said:


> I thought I would be free after divorce, but how can I be free if I’m still scared of him?
> 
> I’m still scared one day he might shoot me dead like he threatened me, restraining order or not, there’s no guarantee stopping him from really doing that. I’ve bought baseball bat, stun gun to reassure myself but I’m still a little concerned. Would it help if I get a gun license?
> 
> ...


Yes far too soon for another relationship but if you are so afraid, have you thought of moving further way so he doesnt know where you are?
Do you have friends and family who can support you?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

silva.acadia said:


> It’s funny I was actually considering going into hiding, shelter but now shelter is also ... covid high risk so I’ve decided to take my chance out in the open but I wonder what other precautions I can take to protect myself. I was going to move out of state earlier this year. Bad timing.


We moved right in the midde of our first lockdown, it can be done.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

I think nothing will help as long as you are scarred of him going back for you. Can you move back where you came from, where you enjoyed your beach walks?
And yes, you seem depressed. If you not working, do you qualify for medicaid to get insurance?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*



How to be happy after divorce?

Click to expand...

*How could you NOT be? I don't get the question.


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## silva.acadia (Nov 21, 2020)

@Diana7 @WandaJ I can’t go back where I came from. I sold the house there when I moved here. This house is still on mortgage, which makes it harder. I was thinking of renting it out and move out of this state and get a new job but without a new job, not sure how I’m going to get a new place. I’ve been working all my life since 19 throughout university.

@She'sStillGotIt you’d have to read down to get my questions. 1. It’s safety concern 2. Like the question, I’m now feeling empty and blues and asking suggestions for pick me up ways.


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## silva.acadia (Nov 21, 2020)

I can back to my parents but they’re old and I don’t wanna risk exposing them. My relatives are also ... kinda old. My two cousins are stuck in Europe working. I’m on East coast, my parents and relatives are on the other side, even my grandparents. And to be honest I’m scared of getting on the plane.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

silva.acadia said:


> @Diana7 @WandaJ I can’t go back where I came from. I sold the house there when I moved here. This house is still on mortgage, which makes it harder. I was thinking of renting it out and move out of this state and get a new job but without a new job, not sure how I’m going to get a new place. I’ve been working all my life since 19 throughout university.
> 
> @She'sStillGotIt you’d have to read down to get my questions. 1. It’s safety concern 2. Like the question, I’m now feeling empty and blues and asking suggestions for pick me up ways.


Cant you sell the house and buy another elsewhere? Thats what I would do. You child seems very young yet so moving wouldnt be an issue for him and he wouldn't have a mum who was living in fear.You could sell yours and rent a place there till you can look for another place once you are there or live with your parents for a while.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

silva.acadia said:


> I can back to my parents but they’re old and I don’t wanna risk exposing them. My relatives are also ... kinda old. My two cousins are stuck in Europe working. I’m on East coast, my parents and relatives are on the other side, even my grandparents. And to be honest I’m scared of getting on the plane.


You seem like a very fearful person. If you have grandparents then your own parents cant be that old, and surely they would want to help?Far better to be with your family than live there in fear surely?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I don't know what country you live in. So options vary. One thing you can do is go to the court and ask them to restrict communications between the two of you to one of the divorced parents websites. It makes it illegal for either of you to communicate except on email through that website, and it keeps all emails and if he threatens you there, you have evidence to take before a judge. 

You have a restraining order. Keep that in place. Keep a log of every time you see him when he is breaking the restraining order and CALL THE POLICE. Now that you have a restraining order, they must arrest him if he breaks it. Of course, if possible have some cameras outside and you can show them evidence. Even if not, just keep a log of date and time he came around or contacted you. Report it each time! 

By all means, get a gun if it will make you rest easier. You should have a couple of big dogs. They hear everything and give you early warning. They can be inside so he doesn't poison them overnight outside or something. 

Just keep calling the police if you hear from him or spot him. It IS a dangerous situation. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. He's not love sick. He's just sick and dangerous. 

It's all expensive, but a ring doorbell and a couple of outside cameras, front and back, with motion sensors, you can watch that and see if he's circling you. It's not that expensive. About maybe $250 to buy two cameras and a ring doorbell and then a few dollars a month to subscribe. Not that hard to install. Put the cameras out of his reach. The doorbell is screwed in. If you can wire it right to where your present doorbell is, that's great and keeps you from having to switch out batteries. 

Also, let your neighbors and your school and work know and give them a face and full body photo of him. Don't be embarrassed to do it. People are willing to help a damsel in distress and her kids. It makes them feel good. Just tell them, please notify me or call police if you spot him. 

Tell your friends and relatives NEVER to share any information with him . Sometimes people are stupid and get conned into feeling sorry for these obsessed jerks. 

There are some things you can do with no money to secure your home a little. One of them is to be sure you have two deadbolt locks on each door, and one of them needs to be way high, where you can just barely reach it and where no one would suspect it would be. What happens is they try to kick in the door or pick the lock, but they don't even notice there's one way up high, and if they do, there's NO way they can kick that in because it's too high. The other lock goes in the normal place. 

You can also add one more deterrent to many doors by jamming a common kitchen knife into the casement surrounding the door and then the handle part of it being in front of the door. Also put that up high where it can't be kicked in, because it can be kicked in and it would just tear the molding up. But no one can kick that high or hit with enough force. It's just a little more peace of mind at bedtime and you can hear it if someone is jostling the door if it jostles loose and falls.

Outside, you can buy a cowbell at a hardware or feed store and take some clear fishing line and string it between, for example, the next door neighbor's fence and the window on the side of your house. Do that down low, just a couple of feet off the ground and obscured by some brush if possible. What that does it will alert you if someone is trying to get to your side windows on your home via the side of your house, which is typically open until the back fence starts. They aren't likely to see the bell at all and will make it go off, alerting you. You can hang that most anywhere either tying it on the ends or stapling it to something. 

It's junky, but you can also hide a bunch of empty cans up next to the house where someone might try to enter, like behind a bush in front of a window. They will step on those and it will make noise.

You can also use the same bell trick on the inside of your home and simply string it in front of your windows on the inside, over the blinds or curtains where it's not visible from the outside. It's barely visible anyway. You can use either a cowbell for that or a smaller bell since you will hear it better from the inside. If someone tries to come in a window, that bell will ring. It's cheap and easy. 

One shack I lived in when young, the window locks didn't work, but it had window ledges, so I put metal utensils and small pots and lids on the window sills, lower and upper. If someone came in, that stuff would make a huge clatter. 

Also, it doesn't hurt to get to know your local police or sheriff. Even if all you do is put a "I support police" sign in your yard or a blue ribbon around a tree, your patrol will take notice. I do that, as well as I have a note about no soliciting telling people I'll call the police on my porch by my doorbell. A couple months ago, I went outside to find a bunch of police cars because a neighbor I didn't know had seen my garage door open too long and was worried about me. A lot of officers showed up. So stay in good relations with your police because you need them now. There are community meeting you can attend to meet them and learn things and help them out, and they get to know your face. You can tell them your situation. You can find out who your local patrol is (they are assigned certain areas and one may be doing tickets, while one may just be doing a security patrol.) 

Likely there are one or two people assigned to your area. If you see them stopped in the neighborhood just sitting, you can get out and introduce yourself, tell them where you live and your situation, too, learn their names and they learn yours. 

You may have a Crime Watch in your neighborhood, or you could talk to the police and get one started. That way, you have volunteer neighboors patroling your house regularly, especially if you volunteer and do a shift once a week or whatever. 

Sorry for this long post. I hope it has given you some ideas. 

I do need to ask, has he threatened you lately? I know you said it's been a year. Is he still getting worse with threats?


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## silva.acadia (Nov 21, 2020)

I can’t sell this house. It’s joint ownership on the deed and court isn’t finalized yet.

I’ve... seen him in the backyard. There’s no fence. I’ve talked to a few of my neighbors into helping me putting fence. Both sides of my neighbors already got fence so I only need the back and front of house a bit.

I’ve also told the police he’s violated the restraining order by coming here. That aside, bottom line, if they catch him, he’s in jail but he will come out and not to mention before they catch him, what good will it do me if he gets to me first, right?

My parents are in their 60s, my grandparents are over 80s which is why I can’t go to them, covid? Not to mention it’s dangerous to travel and I’m an underlying patient. Flying is risky and driving to move house from east coast to L.A. is no fun. Besides I got no job, I can’t go to them, I might as well try to build a fortress here.

I’m thinking of installing one of those house alarm. Would that work with the windows too? Instead of bells. I may check out those cameras ideas. Thank you.


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## silva.acadia (Nov 21, 2020)

Most of the windows have bars except the one in the back. I’m worried about that one, they’re big too.


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## silva.acadia (Nov 21, 2020)

I wasn’t someone easily scared. After he tried to kill me twice, even if I survived both times and I failed to get evidence to get him arrested for attempted murder, yes, I’ve become scared. I’ve barely escaped with my life the third time if the police didn’t arrive first.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

silva.acadia said:


> I thought I would be free after divorce, but how can I be free if I’m still scared of him?
> 
> I’m still scared one day he might shoot me dead like he threatened me, restraining order or not, there’s no guarantee stopping him from really doing that. I’ve bought baseball bat, stun gun to reassure myself but I’m still a little concerned. *Would it help if I get a gun license?*
> 
> ...


A few thoughts. If you have children, may I suggest a nice big friendly dog to start with for protection. Also call the police (not with their 911 phone line, but the non-emergency number). Many police forces will either send someone to your house to discuss personal safety and things you can do to improve security or allow you to visit for such information. 

I have concealed pistol licenses from two states. I do not recommend a firearm to anyone unless they are willing to really learn how to use it, what the laws governing the use of deadly force are where you live, and after careful consideration of if you are capable of using it to save a life by taking a life. If you can do those things, then yes, get a firearm license, but also get some very good (and expensive) firearm and ammunition storage for your home that your children can not get into. This is a horrible time to try to purchase a firearm or ammunition as both are in short supply.

Now an even more important set of cautions. Most handgun deaths in the USA are associated with suicide. You sound depressed. Please work through your depression prior to acquiring a firearm. If not for yourself then for your children. Children who deal with a realtive's suicide are more likely to commit suicide. My wife had a brother that committed suicide. Whatever happens you don't want to put your children, friends and family through the mental trauma of knowing someone who committed suicide.

Good luck. You may want some individual counseling on your grieving and depression.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I know you're frustrated because he gets back out of jail,


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## silva.acadia (Nov 21, 2020)

@Young at Heart dogs sound good. My grandparents used to have 2 German shepherds. To be honest, I don’t know if I can kill anyone, even if it means someone who wants to kill me. I grow up in a family that ... teaches me not to harm, it’s kinda embedded. Then again, I’ve never been so scared and hated anyone as much as him in my life. When he tried to kill me, I fought with everything I had to stay alive. I couldn’t overpower him though, just enough to stay alive and slipped away. I don’t really know if having firearm could make me able to take that leap. If push comes to shove... I think I would do whatever I can to stay alive then my conscience would most likely haunt me for years. One thing I know for sure though. I would never commit suicide, I would never subject my kid to that cruelty. I’ve fought this far mostly for the better future of my kid, a better, healthier family even if that means I have to be both the mother and the father. If I want to end my life, I would’ve done it already. Besides, I won’t give him the satisfaction to see my life ruined.


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## silva.acadia (Nov 21, 2020)

@DownByTheRiver yeah. I wonder if I’ve been too lenient and should try to be harsher and get him locked up away longer. Sometimes compassion is wasted on people who will never know how to appreciate your kindness and your wish to be left alone in peace and while you’re being truthful, they’re just full of lies and buy time so they can twist facts, find chances to control you again. Then you become a fool again for believing the lies.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

The irony is that the very kindest people sometimes end up attached to the very worst most dangerous people because they are so nice and compassionate. But you've got to learn that your kindness does not rub off on them. They are who they are regardless of how nice you can be to them. You have to protect yourself. he's tried to kill you before and is stalking you and is very dangerous and needs to be locked up if you get the opportunity to do so.

A couple of German shepherds would be the perfect protection for you.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You should be calling police each and every time he contacts you or you see him breaking his RO. They will have to lock him up at least for awhile. Maybe he'll get the message. And keep a log of everything for if it goes to court.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

silva.acadia said:


> I wasn’t someone easily scared. After he tried to kill me twice, even if I survived both times and I failed to get evidence to get him arrested for attempted murder, yes, I’ve become scared. I’ve barely escaped with my life the third time if the police didn’t arrive first.


I just dont get that, how did you not have serious injuries to show the police?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

silva.acadia said:


> I can’t sell this house. It’s joint ownership on the deed and court isn’t finalized yet.
> 
> I’ve... seen him in the backyard. There’s no fence. I’ve talked to a few of my neighbors into helping me putting fence. Both sides of my neighbors already got fence so I only need the back and front of house a bit.
> 
> ...


Maybe when you can sell just move. Or move before and get it sold at a distance once the legal stuff is done. We are well into our 60s and we help look after our grandaughter regularly, and would be happy to have any of our children to stay if they were in trouble. I am sure your parents would be the same. If you have no job then all the more reason to go. You can make a fresh start there and look for work once you are there. Covid is bad in the uk and we are in our second lockdown, but there is no way that I would live like you are in fear especially with a child. What sort of life is that for him if you can't go out? If you are always in that state? He needs you to be there for him, to be alive.What will happen if he doesnt stop? You can't keep a child locked up for years.

Yes cameras may help for now as you can then show the police if he comes. Make sure you have good strong locks on all doors and windows.
Only get a dog if you can care for it properly. They need regular walks and you will need money for food and vets bills etc. It would also have to be very good with young children.Not an easy ask. Also not all dogs are good guard dogs, some are just too friendly.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

silva.acadia said:


> @Young at Heart ........To be honest, I don’t know if I can kill anyone, even if it means someone who wants to kill me. I grow up in a family that ... teaches me not to harm, it’s kinda embedded. Then again, I’ve never been so scared and hated anyone as much as him in my life. When he tried to kill me, I fought with everything I had to stay alive. I couldn’t overpower him though, just enough to stay alive and slipped away. I don’t really know if having firearm could make me able to take that leap. If push comes to shove... I think I would do whatever I can to stay alive then my conscience would most likely haunt me for years. .....


Four things. First make sure you have a good understanding of use of deadly force laws as they are written and enforced in your location. In some locations the displaying of a firearm against an attacker to get them to stop is defined as brandishing and the person with the firearm (not the attacker) will end up be charged with a crime (that hopefully a jury will dismiss). Almost everywhere the firing of a warning shot is a crime and proof that in your mind you were not in immediate danger. If you draw a firearm first, then in many places you may forfeit your right to claim self defense because you escalated the confrontation to a deadly force confrontation not the attacker. The laws governing the use of deadly force are based on technicalities, the skills of attorneys and the wisdom of juries, but not justice or common sense.

Second, anytime you pull a firearm out to defend yourself, you must assume you will go to jail no matter what happens. If you actually have to defend your life or the life of another and it results in the death of someone else, expect that your entire savings, everything you and your family have worked for will be taken from you. 

Third, if you have any shred of human decency expect to feel horrible about taking a life for the rest of your life. Look at all the soldiers who were in kill or be killed situations, survived and have lived with their actions for the rest of your life. I know few soldiers who took lives who want to talk about it to anyone but other soldiers.

Fourth, if you do choose a firearm, get lots of training. Put yourself in simulated situations where you have to make a split second life and death situation. Then go to a range (and using all range safety rules) imagine that simulated situation and practice pulling and shooting without stopping until the threat is no more. If you carry a firearm, you absolutely need to have thought through what you will do and have the muscle memory to perform in a crisis.

I want to add a little bit more to the last point, it might be training by others, friends, police officers, books, etc., but you will need it. If you actually do have to shoot someone in self defense and you know you will be investigated or tried for criminal offenses, you need to think about what you can do to maximize your change of not sending a long time in jail. First, carry the card of a skilled attorney in firearm laws in your wallet/purse. Second, know things you need to do as you are deciding whether to shoot or not. My suggestions are to step back and say in a loud voice, I am afraid for my life while moving backward in a direction so the there is a clear backstop behind the attacker should some of your bullets miss. Then keep shooting until you are sure the threat is over. When the police arrive, tell them you want to speak to your attorney before you say anything and tell them you think you may be going into shock and request a medical evaluation at a hospital.

Good luck. Based on what you have said I think a large German Shepard would be a good first step. Where I live there are some guide and assistance dog training programs where those dogs that don't make it are given up for adoption. That is one way to get a well trained adult dog in a hurry.


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## silva.acadia (Nov 21, 2020)

@Young at Heart All of your explanation just make it to one point, never shoot even if it means I would end up being dead myself. Sadly to say, I’m probably the only one scared/hesitant to kill but my ex did not and would not hesitate to kill me. The only reason I’m still alive is because I’m lucky enough to manage a step ahead to ruin his cover up that he’s not the one killing me. As bad as it sounds, he gets on controlling a power game and he will get lots of money if I die.


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## silva.acadia (Nov 21, 2020)

@Diana7 I’m in United States, I’m sure you heard how bad things are over here, Covid.

im not sure how much I can say why I can’t prove his attempted murder but he’s very ... calculated and proving attempted murder is not easy.

I would never put my parents in danger. I won’t do this to them, covid or... bring him to their doorstep. I will fix this.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I'm sure everyone understands that domestic abuse is always done in private.


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## silva.acadia (Nov 21, 2020)

I wish it’s just an abuse. It’s not just a saying when I say I nearly die. I was admitted to ER several times in critical condition but tying it to him is another matter. I guess it’s pointless to say it here as I cannot fully divulge. Besides I’ve reported. If they could pin him down, they would have already. I’m afraid saying too much may compromise my identity and put myself in more risks.


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## silva.acadia (Nov 21, 2020)

I guess the difference is... is it everyday you run into a heartless person? How many woman has the unfortunate fate of having a murderer as husband especially one that’s hidden his nature so well?


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## silva.acadia (Nov 21, 2020)

I hope every woman out there will never meet him or someone like him. I am his second victim. You would never know. I knew him for many years before we got married. He was a very charming man and he still is to everyone else. So I do pray no woman would fall victim after me.

He is smart not to leave evidence. My only advantage is his arrogance which I hope would be his undoing. I never hurt anyone but I always pride myself in being independence. My whole family is educated. I hope that helps me outsmart him and stay alive and always a step ahead.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

silva.acadia said:


> I’m afraid saying too much may compromise my identity and put myself in more risks.


You could ask one of the moderators to move this thread to the Private forum.


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## silva.acadia (Nov 21, 2020)

@Prodigal thanks. I was hoping to get more ideas by posting here. Not sure how the private forum works. Well, I didn’t get much advice on my “blues” emotional state but I did get a lot of advice for my safety. I will think about it carefully. Thanks everyone, I’m starting to have more ideas now too. I’ve just put deadbolts, also got stun gun and some new self defense toys and yes I’ve checked, it’s legal. I’ve also called police in my county to ask for patrol every now and then and to find him for violating the order. Just buying time but if I’m lucky and vaccine is out and I’m priority group, I may get to move somewhere safer or something.

Also, hopefully I’ll find a virtual volunteer job and my mental state will be better too.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

silva.acadia said:


> @Young at Heart *All of your explanation just make it to one point, never shoot even if it means I would end up being dead myself.* Sadly to say, I’m probably the only one scared/hesitant to kill but my ex did not and would not hesitate to kill me. The only reason I’m still alive is because I’m lucky enough to manage a step ahead to ruin his cover up that he’s not the one killing me. As bad as it sounds, he gets on controlling a power game and he will get lots of money if I die.


Actually, I have used my concealed carry pistol and discharged it to save my life. I am not saying that if you fear for your life or that of another, you should not shoot. As Massad Ayoob says, "shoot to live, not to kill." Living is better than dying. Living will allow you a chance to rebuild your life and provide for your family.

My point is that the decision to discharge your weapon is a very serious one and one that will potentially have huge consequences (legal, financial, emotional). That is why you need training and a real good understanding of the laws where you live before you carry your weapon. I just want people to understand that getting a firearm concealed carry license and/or a firearm for the purpose of self defense is not something that should be entered into lightly.

I wish you the best of luck and safety.

P.S. Stun guns, police grade pepper spray and a bunch of other things are technically called "less lethal" weapons. That is because they can also kill; lower probability, but they can still kill.


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## dc366 (May 25, 2011)

silva.acadia said:


> Anyway, the last few months, I found myself becoming sad, feeling empty, cry for no reason, emotionally drained. My question is, any suggestion how to cheer myself up? I tried distracting myself with work. Not working, now I’m having trouble focusing. Also, in case what you have in mind is start another relationship, be it casual or hang out... sorry, I don’t think I’m ready for it yet.


You are in a negative feedback loop and things need to change.

It is natural to go through pain during this period. You are only human. Acknowledge that. This is the perfect time to start focusing on changing yourself. Buy a book on finding the perfect match. Even though if you might not be ready to date yet, reading that book will give you pointers on how you should change your lifestyle to make yourself a more desirable woman. Go to the gym. Refine your sense of style. Gain self confidence. You will then be happy with all the changes you have made and by then you will be ready to date again and will have great success


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## dc366 (May 25, 2011)

silva.acadia said:


> I’m still scared one day he might shoot me dead like he threatened me, restraining order or not, there’s no guarantee stopping him from really doing that. I’ve bought baseball bat, stun gun to reassure myself but I’m still a little concerned. Would it help if I get a gun license?


Definitely get a Restraining order and get a concealed carry permit. Also sign up for self defense classes perhaps online if in person is not available due to COVID. Install cameras all over. Its only $20 for a camera at Wyze


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