# one year in



## dd080510 (Jul 27, 2011)

So I didn't realize until about 7pm that today is in fact dday. This time last year my husband sat me on the couch and told me that he let his ex from high school give him oral, twice. I think it's a great sign that I haven't thought about this so-called anniversary all day. I remember longing for this day when I was in the darkest moments from the mess my husband created. Everyone told me that time will heal.. I got so sick of hearing it, I just wanted it to happen. Well, that is the truth. 

Looking back at this past year, I cannot believe how much has changed. This has been the most challenging year of my life. He had been carrying this secret for nearly 9 months when he came clean so I, like nearly every BS, have had to deal with the emotions of both being cheated on and having the love of my life keep something so huge from me for so long when we usually share everything. There are just so many emotions to work out and it pushed me deeply back into my recent post-partum depression. Yes, my husband was one of those extra douchy-types who would do this shortly after we had our 1st child. Apparently he buckled under the stress of being a new dad, my depression, and his mom dying. A lot, yes, but neither of us has used this as an excuse. He was very wrong. No way to go around that. 

We were in counseling for about 4 months, started going to church regularly, and worked very hard at our marriage that seemed near perfect beforehand. Although I still wish he would have pushed her away, I can safely say that our marriage is stronger now than I could have ever imagined. I won't lie, every now and then I still get random feelings of bitterness where I want to jump across the table and strangle him.. but I do feel as if we have moved on and things are semi back to normal... or at least a new normal. 

So I just wanted to give an update one year out for all the newbies going through this absolute hell. It does get better with time. Again I say, the details and depth of the affair will probably dictate how long it takes to get there in addition to the remorse of the wayward spouse and how hard they are willing to work to build trust again. If everything lines up and both parties are willing to work, a marriage can overcome this horrible setback. Good luck to all.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

Thanks for sharing your experience


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## Walt (Jul 17, 2011)

Thanks. I'm 1 day in and I have no idea how I'm going to deal with this.

You sound like a wonderful spouse. Hopefully your husband recognizes that! Best wishes for a continued recovery.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing.
Please know one person really needed to hear this today and you have helped me enormously.


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## dd080510 (Jul 27, 2011)

Please know that things will get better.. no matter which direction you choose to go. I've learned from this that life is full of split-second changes. When I went through my post-partum depression, the hardest thing was just getting used to having to have this new life that was completely different than the one I was comfortable with. Even though things are completely out of order now and you are longing for when things were "normal", please know that things will balance out again. 

Walt, I read your original post and I'm so sorry you're going through this too. Your situation has a triple blow.. the cheating, the secrecy, and the fact that your wayward spouse isn't quite out of the fog. That will make your decision harder than I could imagine. Until she is ready to go completely NC and be fully transparent, I wouldn't even offer up R. I would do a 180 and focus on your kids and things for yourself right now. Leave her completely out of the picture. When she wakes up and realizes how comfortable you can be in a life without her, maybe then she will realize what a gift R is and she will do everything to earn your trust back. 

Honestly, if my husband weren't so remorseful, transparent, and willing to work his butt off, we wouldn't be where we are today. He was willing to do anything to R.. I remember taking advantage of that too. I made a list of all the unfinished projects around our house and gave him a couple of weeks to get them done in order for me to "stay". He worked morning, noon, and night through sweat and got the whole list done in a few days. Looking back, I was quite harsh but it proved to me how much he wanted to make it work.. not to mention he cut off contact with her before he even told me about this. That proved to me that he didn't care if he ever talked to her again. NC is a must! 

Good luck and again, please know, it WILL get better. But you have a tough road ahead of you with many life changes to get used to.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

This gives me hope. Thank you for sharing.
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## Alivinghell (Jul 27, 2011)

Thank you so much for this post.
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## better than before (Aug 3, 2011)

Your story sounds so much like mine!! It has almost been a year for us too. Like you, our marriage is stronger! We can truly talk about anything now. I like myself better, and he is a better person too! It has been such a hard year; he was and is the love of my life! We met on a blind date in high school, went to different colleges, dated long distance for 7 years, 1 year together, and have been married for 13.5 years. I think we both always believed we had a perfect marriage; we had lost the flirting because we didn't work at it anymore! Like you, the EA (for him) happened just a few weeks after our second child was born. I felt so lost and hurt; the person I trusted and loved so much hurt me so badly. I felt like I was falling into a dark pit that I couldn't escape from! I believed he was so sorry and loved me, but that doesn't make the hurt go away. We have come so far, but I still have bad days too where I wonder how he could have done that to us! He has suffered so much too! He is actually on this site as well. The people here have helped him so much; now he is helping others know there is hope and healing! Thanks to everyone here for helping deal with his regret and confusion over his feelings (she was also an old girlfriend-contacted him on FB). I really now feel the whole thing was our chance to get back to where we started so many years ago-would never have chosen it, so hurtful!! There is hope!! Hang in there everyone!!
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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

I am very happy for you...please keep your eye on him though..."Once bitten, twice shy".


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Congrats on such great progress by you and your H. I'm so glad he manned up for you and did the right things. I'm almost 9 mos, it's been a long hard journey with me having some real setbacks but I'm still putting one foot in front of the other and can attest to what say that it it can be sooooo much better and rewarding if you both commit. 27years married - 20 years chating by wife - 2 men at 20 yrs. and a "friend " of mine for 18 years. MY daughter is not biologically mine. Still I loved her enough to try and am glad I did. Things are going very well.

Congrats and many more happy years for you!!!!


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## dd080510 (Jul 27, 2011)

Better than before: 

Thank you for sharing your story! I'm so glad to see so many people making it work after this happens. If both parties are willing and sincere at the point of R, I kind of feel like this is the "for worse" in the marriage vows. Granted, he broke his.. but why break mine because he chose to ignore his for one week? I want to be better than that and give my marriage my all because I know that's what God wants me to do. If it should happen again or he ends up not being sincere, then I know I gave everything. 

Even though we are at a better place than a year ago, I do still check his phone periodically (even though he cut off contact with her several months before I even found out).. it just makes me feel better sometimes. My way of staying on top of a future heartache I guess. I'm hoping that as more years pass, the checking up part will die down too. My husband was never where he wasn't supposed to be either. She came to him uninvited. He didn't make up stories to be with her or even bring this type of behavior up.. crazy how many different types of affairs there are out there.

I think the hardest part is wondering how they could let this happen, especially after something so wonderful as a child being born. You always think those are supposed to be bonding times where you are just thanking God for family and life. But sadly, for my husband, it accompanied his mother's death and my depression so he obviously welcomed the advances of his ex to relive his past/get attention or whatever. We could spend all day trying to figure out how they could love their family and their wives and still do this. It just doesn't make sense.. to them or us. Good luck in the coming days and thanks again for sharing.


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## better than before (Aug 3, 2011)

It does help to know you aren't alone! I feel for the people dealing with this that don't have the benefit of a WS who wants to do the right thing and work to reconcile! I still have hurt to let go of, but I am so happy to be deeply in love again! Do you ever think of memories of your child and then get caught up in where affair was at that point?? I will be glad when I let go of those thoughts! Today is OW b'day; had to ask my husband what he did last year for her- just needed to know- why?? Anyway, she has called, or a blocked number on his cell 5 times already today! He doesn't answer, no message left, of course! She has even called from other numbers trying to get him to answer. He has sales reps in her area, so the area code isn't unique to her. I will be happy when she realizes the fantasy is over- would think a year(almost ) would accomplish that! He hasn't had any contact for a long time now! Wonder if AP knows that appearing totally crazy really doesn't help her!
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## dd080510 (Jul 27, 2011)

I used to do that all the time too!! Glad to know I'm not alone! I don't so much anymore, but when I would watch videos and look at pics of our child at around 4 months, it would set me back because that was the time she came around. I'm just so thankful that my husband did finally wake up after the 2nd time and tell her no more so I don't have to feel that way about ALL of my child's memories so far! 

The sad thing is my husband appeared fine in those. A lot of times when I watch them, I study his expression to see if I just didn't notice he was buckling under the stress. He never let me know that he was really suffering from everything going on.. maybe he didn't realize until after he screwed up. 

Sad and ironic thing is, the OW came around during the exact time his mother was violently ill and working with Hospice. I often wonder what would have happened if she waited to show up a few months later... I know so many people say "once a cheater, always a cheater" and "if he did it then, he'd do it now".. but it didn't take my husband getting caught to stop.. he did it on his own. Like your husband's OW, she continued to stalk him and basically begged for him to meet her at hotels. She had her legs spread waiting for him and he didn't do it. That helps me realize that he isn't really this way, he was just going through a hard time. 

I'm sorry his OW is still causing drama in your relt. I couldn't imagine that added stress. Even though you don't have to deal with the added pain of knowing actual physical stuff went on (no mind movies), I also couldn't imagine knowing my husband exchanged "i love you's" with his OW. It's hard to say what would be worse. Whereas your husband never took the physical step, mine's wasn't really that emotional other than catching up. Again, I never knew how many different types of betrayal there were until last year.


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