# Just joined and looking for guidance; separation with kids and lesbians



## Newpastures (Dec 12, 2012)

Glad you could join me! Here goes:
I am a formerly happily married man with three kids aged 10, 5 and 4. Recently my wife, after years of angst and self-loathing (quite well masked and hidden with odd eruptions of depression here and there) has finally found the courage to admit she is unhappy and craves the intimacy of a woman. With three kids, easy this ain't. To complicate matters, we are actually really great friends and have talked endlessly about where this could lead. It is slowly dawning on me that we cannot return to the intimacy we once had, complete with a healthy sex life that it now transpires was every bit as painful for her as it was pleasurable for me. Maybe that came out a bit too harshly, perhaps, but it is the truth. All our married life she WANTED to live the marriage dream but felt she was missing being true to her real self, so in trying to live this way for both our benefit, in reality she was just deluding herself and leading me a merry dance. To complicate it even further, she has led a sheltered life of repressed evangelical Christianity with parents who were adamant that being gay was a sinful trait leading to the depths of Hades. Put that kind of fear mongering and indoctrination into anyone and you've got issues right there. She's always been a pleaser ... With me too. Now she is forty and wanting to finally feel all she has been denied to feel for so long. We are living in the same house and wondering when and how to break it to our very astute and intelligent ten yr old that mummy and daddy might need to live apart. We need to show a united front for their sakes... In the meantime, my wife is joining dating and introduction sites, trying to hookup with local women in the same situation and actively seeking a way forward so she can feel free and alive again. I was taken aback at first and then fuming inside with feelings of betrayal etc and hoodwinking for so long .... Almost 15 years! Now she is saying we have to actively think about finding separate quarters (we still share a bed but no intimacy) or digs to share the raising of our kids. I could go on but I might let this bit sink in first and see what kinds of responses you good, well-meaning folk might have for me. Advice?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You two have not worked out the details of your divorce and your wife is out looking for affair partners? Yes I agree that you need separate livining arangements. 

Have you seen an attorney yet to start the divorce?


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## Newpastures (Dec 12, 2012)

Hello and thanks for the reply. I agree it might appear odd but last year we discussed having an open marriage to 'add some spice' to our relationship. Sure I liked the idea at first and I flirted with a woman I never actually met online. In the meantime, my wife had a steamy affair with another woman that had her all giddy with desire but the other party was put off by her intensity (remember she was finally able to let herself go) and it ended abruptly after two physical get-togethers after which she withdrew into herself and away from me even more. I feel like a chump even agreeing to 'experiment' as it has awakened her desire to be with women so much more BUT we both knew going in to the loose agreement that this was going to be a possibility. Now look where we are. I get annoyed with her desire to look for other women to satisfy her emotional and physical needs but want to shake her so she gets a grip and focuses on just herself and her well being first. I don't know... It's going to get messy and we love our kids so much that the thought of separating kills me at times ... They need mum and dad to show togetherness but if this means togetherness while living separately, then so be it. Kids come first. We also can't afford two places .. Who can?!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You're being played by your wife. She gotten you to give her permission to stay in the nice house, and I'm guess you're the one moving to the new room, while she gets to seek out new sexual relationships while you remain home and watch the kids.

Basically you've agreed to live a sexless life watching the kids and paying the bills and listening to her talk about her needs and her needs and her needs, while she gets to openly seek out and have relationships with other women.

You think she's your friend - she's not. Friends don't do that to friends.

she's having a selfish midlife crisis and has you playing cheerleader and baby sitter so she can play.

You need to file for D and begin building your new life ASAP - without her. She's rejected you and moved on completely.

She's the one who leaves and must continue to pay support for the kids while you continue to live in the family home with them. It is 100% her who has abandoned you, her vows, and her family.

So don't worry about how she'll pay for her new lifestyle. It's not your worry - file for D, demand full custody, and child and spousal support..

She is the one who has chosen to cheat and to abandon you. Would you be so nice and supportive if she was cheating with men? Why do you give her a pass because it's women she's cheating with?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Newpastures said:


> Hello and thanks for the reply. I agree it might appear odd but last year we discussed having an open marriage to 'add some spice' to our relationship. Sure I liked the idea at first and I flirted with a woman I never actually met online. In the meantime, my wife had a steamy affair with another woman that had her all giddy with desire but the other party was put off by her intensity (remember she was finally able to let herself go) and it ended abruptly after two physical get-togethers after which she withdrew into herself and away from me even more. I feel like a chump even agreeing to 'experiment' as it has awakened her desire to be with women so much more BUT we both knew going in to the loose agreement that this was going to be a possibility. !


When a wife agrees to an open marriage it almost always means she's already got plans to cheat and someone lined up to cheat with. 

Sorry, but you friend is not a friend at all.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does your wife have a full time job?

Maybe you can stay in your place with your children and your wife can move out and do her exploring. That way you and your children at least have as little disruption as possible.

You know, there seems to be some sort of thing going on here in which her desire for women is looked at as 'special'. It's no different than if she had told you she now wants to date other men and then starts to do it under your nose. You apparently cannot live with this. Does she have a place she can move to... even if it's an efficiency apartment?

Can you support your current home and children on your income alone?

Whatever you do, do not move out of your home and leave your children. She could accuse you of abandoning her and them. You could lose a lot of rights in custody and visitation if you do this.


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## Newpastures (Dec 12, 2012)

The more time I dwell on this, the more upset I become and I can't help but feel some of the things you mention, Shaggy (cool name!). Jest aside, yes I do have full time job and yes, I am supporting everything right now because my wife had to give up her work as an on-call teacher which was limited and look after our 4th old until September when she is school age. The other reason was because we recently moved in order for the kids to be together in the same school with me... I teach, also and, in fact, wanted to quit the daily long commute plus be closer to my kids to help weather any possible storm during what was always going to be a stressful time for them as we try to decide what to do next. I hope I am making sense? Simply put, we moved to be closer to work, for me to be around kids and for wife to spend time with youngest until Sepember before going back to work. There is a new issue now, too: she has given up on a profession that she no longer found rewarding (far too many hurdles and difficulties-it's such a long story) and is retraining in the evenings and on weekends (Sat) to become a full time licensed financial broker of some description ... Sheesh. When I read it back, it seems like such a fantasy , and not the good kind. I know she has really struggled with herself and I know she wants her cake and to eat it too, but we both know this is leading to more than a separation , I guess. I just feel almost powerless right now , yet in reality probably hold many cards. I am not a slouch or a ***** or cruel or deliberately obstructive or anything (except, maybe, virulently anti-faith of late, which is yet another sticking point as SHE feels huge disappointment in ME for letting my son see a negative side to the God question!) else that might be considered unmanly, but it's becoming increasingly obvious that I need to take some kind of forward movement on this. Maybe you're right, both of you; maybe I should stick it out here and request she moves out and manages herself and finds the realization and the reality that she cannot have it all as she sees it. I just want kids to suffer as little as possible. so does she but she is not in the best place to judge clearly, perhaps. I don't want to think ill of her but it's getting harder as I see where this is heading. I kept saying she could have her dalliances if that was something she really needed to experience as long as we could continue with some semblance of normality - and I mean sexually for us, too - but she felt untrue to herself and complains I am too highly sexed and keep manipulating her into sleeping with me - it's happened a couple of times recently -probably because she is so confused and it is my fault for wanting it, too. I'm a guy; I have needs too.


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## Newpastures (Dec 12, 2012)

Ele, I am supporting the family and our financial situation is pretty dire, too but there does not seem to be an easy solution. She left work because what she was making wasn't always covering child care costs and our current arrangement means she has more time with kids and can actually be there before and after school as need whereas before now, the kids were always being looked after in daycare. I will not be moving out anywhere, I don't think.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

Coming from another man whose ex decided she was going to pursue an alternate lifestyle.

First of all, I can't believe that she has such low class as to be out flaunting it and pursuing "dates". Show some self respect.

At this point you need to come to grips that your marriage is over. Not a happy thought by any means. As much as you can, and it is tough, you need to try and detach emotionally from your wife. You will have a lot of decisions to make with regards to a divorce and you need to have as clear a head as you can. I hope for your sake that your stbx has a level head and the two of you can conduct an amiable divorce. It is the least expensive option and can work if BOTH of you can agree on everything. Don't fall on your sword, however, and give her everything. It could cost you a lot more than you think.

My ex is pretty level headed and we managed this five years ago and we we still get along. I did have to choke down a little bitterness and anger, but I did it for the good of our children mostly. I did not want to get into a knock down, drag out fight like some do. Did not have the money anyway. I managed 50/50 parenting time with my kids and I walked away with half of everything. Since we make similar, we agreed to no CS or alimony.

If you have a hint that she may not play fair and will fight, you need to prepare now. Very low key, start to collect documents (birth certificates, taxes, income slips, ect) and store them in a safe location. If you have heirlooms or very personal items, store them in the safe location too. The last thing you want is to come home to an empty house....I know guys this has happened to. Open a bank account in just your name and start to deposit your paycheck. Pay all of the bills and give your stbx just enough money for food and maybe a little for gas. The idea is to separate your finances and encourage her to get a job. If you are to separate, she should be able to provide for herself without all the support from you.

Use your time to study the internet and learn your state statues with regards to divorce. Knowledge is power in family court. Develop a strategy with regards to what you want from the divorce (Custody, support, material things, ect). Read this list which comes from a Dad-centric website. Lots of good information. THE LIST (Print It) - Divorce Forum and Child Custody Forum.

Lastly, don't spend a lot of time worrying about the lesbian aspect or what your stbx might be doing. Unless she is dating a drug user who is shooting up in front of your kids while she is beating your stbx and you have bulletproof evidence, it is worthless in court.

And for goodness sake, stop talking to her so much. She is telling you all sorts of stuff that you don't need to hear and all it does is piss you off. Emotionally detach from her and be the best Dad you can be for your children. They need a rock in their life right now.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

One thing to worry about us that frankly there are a lot of lesbians who really truly hate men. The worry is your wife will become influenced by them and with their help will turn very nasty and devious on you. 

She'll get indoctrinated with the idea that you've been the one that has kept her chained down and that you are her enemy. That its war and all is fair in war.

Btw,her calling you over sexed for wanting sex with your wife is really odd since she's upturning her whole life and family so she can have sex with women.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Sorry OP but as Shaggy and a few others have said (and I think you're beginning to realize you) your wife has and is playing you.

First she manipulated you into marrying her when she knew she had these deep seated issues before you even met her.

Next she continued the manipulation when she convinced you all would be grand when you bought her the house and gave her kids.

Her next step was to go down the path of carrer change and have you pay for it

Then came the ultimate play. She convinced you that an open lifestyle would make your marriage better. You went on your way talking up a woman on line and she went on her way bedding at least 2 women.

Now she continues to play you by making let her live with no consequences of her affair. She still has a comfortable home, someone to pay all her bills AND a babysitter! How bloody convenient!

So she's a lesbian. I have no issue with that. So she wants to be single to led the lesbian life style. No issue here. But since this is whar SHE wants, she needs to woman up and do it without you funding it!

She should go back to teaching FULL TIME so between the 2 of you you'll be able to afford the after scholl care needed for YOUR kids. She should be paying ALL her own bills and half of any household costs (mortage, insurance, utilities) since she wants to be on her own.

Right now, this is what you can do to help her realize her dream of being an emancipated woman:

-Remove her name from any joint credit cards
-Take half the money in any joint accounts and move it to accounts with only your name on it
-Call a lawyer today and get advice and FILE.

She betrayed you, not by being true to her sexuality but by lieing to you about it and carrying on affairs. She betrayed her children too and the family as a whole.

You are not responsible for this.


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## Newpastures (Dec 12, 2012)

Thank you for those last few posts. I have been busy at work and haven't really had time to digest any of it. The saddest part, and probably the most important right now, is finding the means to prepare our kids for what seems to be the inevitable. Looks like I will be exploring legal avenues in order to find some level of protection and to find the optimum solution for a proper way forward without any possibility of promises not to take me for (more of a) ride financially. I will update after I have time to explore this unwanted but probably necessary route. As for emotional detachment... She started that ball rolling, so my turn won't seem so out of whack ... My kids come first. I know I am an awesome dad; her depression, her sexual dalliances, her emotional betrayal of our former vows, her insistence that she NEEDS this ... All of it..... I could easily (but hesitantly) reveal in any court of law, I'm sure of it.....except for the ridiculously lax laws here in BC, Canada. I have much reading and researching to get on with. Thanks everyone for sharing opinions and experiences. This is a long way from being resolved, but I have start somewhere.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Best of luck!

It may not be the easiest path but it is the right path for you


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