# why am i to blame - help needed - new member



## total eclipse (Jan 22, 2013)

Hi. I am new to forums.. but feel some invisible friends can help me..

Basicly. I am married with children, my wife is a great person when happy yet for years now she gets so angry at me and has been violent at times but only little bits, throwing things etc. 
I am sure she is depresed she even thinks so.. she calls me with such hate and anger very mean things, blames me for almost anything and always shouts . She is on high pain meds and has been for years due to health problems.. she also likes to drink however this has stopped for two weeks.
This is a quick outline.. I am just lost as what to do.. if I mention getting help its me who needs the help not her..
I want my wife back as I love her with all I am..


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

TE, welcome to the TAM forum. I'm sorry to hear you and your W have been having serious problems for years. If you feel comfortable doing so, it would be helpful if you would please provide us more information. Specifically, how long have you been married? How far into the marriage did her abusive behavior begin? Has the abuse ever existed for many months in the absence of her drinking problem? Did she suffer abuse or abandonment in early childhood? What does "violent at times" mean? Finally, why have you not sought professional help from a therapist?


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## total eclipse (Jan 22, 2013)

Hi.. I have been to get help and we both went for assessment i was ok yet she wasn't. She had counseling and it worked for a while.. She ended it as it.finished and she thought she was ok. She had 5 operations last year and has been off sick for two years. She been back at work for 3 months and off again in lots of pain. I see the.pain that she is in and understand that this can have a effect on her.. She threatens to call police on me and make up stories to get me out she has thrown small items at me and threatened to smash bottle in my face. I must stress she was never like this and that i love my wife and only want to get help for us both. She has no idea i am on a forum. We have 3 children all under 10. I am off again to speak to gp next week to talk about it more.. I am constantly in the wrong even when i feel i am doing good .. She used to be on anti depress drugs but they made her loose her sex drive.. Not that she ever wanted it So she came off them .. Last night she blew at tea time and through wedding rings at me.. Yet today she wants to talk about buying new house etc.. She is so up and down.. Hope this helps you help me.. 
P.s we been married for 5 years together for 7. 
She thinks i am the one with all the issues and problems.. My friends say i am ok.. All i want is to help us both and get my happy wife back.. 
My apologies if this message is hard to read had to do it on my phone incased she see's me. 
Thanks to all that read and help..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

TE, you are describing some of the classic traits of a well-known personality disorder. Significantly, every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all of those PD traits. They become a problem only when they are so strong and persistent that they undermine a person's ability to maintain close LTRs. One important issue, then, is whether your W's PD traits are strong. 

If they are strong, the second important issue is whether they are persistent. This is an important issue because, if your W is experiencing only a temporary flareup of PD traits -- as could be caused by hormone changes -- the problem may be easily solved by getting treatment (e.g., hormone supplements). Such "temporary" flareups can last as long as two years (e.g., postpartum depression). 

Yet, if she is exhibiting a persistent problem with strong PD traits, it is far less likely that treatment will work because most PD sufferers refuse to stay in therapy long enough to make a difference. If the problem is persistent, the PD traits typically were fully entrenched in early childhood and started showing strongly in the early teens.

Hence, with persistent PD traits, those symptoms usually will be hidden during your courtship period (for perhaps six months) but will reappear right after the wedding, if not sooner. With a persistent PD problem, then, the behavioral traits do NOT disappear for several years and then suddenly appear in the last two years of a five-year marriage.

I mention all this to explain why I was asking you to explain precisely when her anger issues started. Specifically, I am trying to reconcile your statement (yesterday) that _"*for years now* she gets so angry at me"_ with your seemingly contradictory statement (today) that _"I must stress *she was never like this*."_ 

I therefore again ask for a description of when the anger issues started appearing. Did they appear at all during the 2 year courtship period? If so, how bad were they? Did they start appearing right after the wedding and persist throughout the 5 year marriage? If so, how frequently did they appear strongly? Or did they not appear until the last year or two of your marriage? Also, did your W experience abuse or abandonment in childhood?


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