# Writing a letter to my wife...need help



## Shiny (May 21, 2011)

I love my wife and will forever but I am frustrated by our sexual relationship but she clams up and becomes very defensive whenever I try to talk to her about it.

As trying to talk doesn't allow me to express my thoughts, I decided I should write a letter but don't know how to start.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

A letter? Erm... personally I would advise against it, but hey I don't know your missus. Some women may consider a letter-approach rather... well... 'pathetic'

Personally if it was affecting me this much I would just carry on the fight despite possible weeks of cold, cruel silent treatment. Besides, the way I see it, if the missus refuses to co-operate and help find a compromise then it's not like we're communicating properly anyway! Better to fight then to avoid confrontation I say, but that's just me - and this approach depends on the woman.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Not a big fan of letters either. Despite good intentions they do tend to come across as "pathetic" for men or women doesn't matter.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Shiny said:


> I love my wife and will forever but I am frustrated by our sexual relationship but she clams up and becomes very defensive whenever I try to talk to her about it.
> 
> As trying to talk doesn't allow me to express my thoughts, I decided I should write a letter but don't know how to start.


Okay, and the letter is supposed to accomplish what exactly? You say you have talked with her about the subject before. Seems to me she may be aware of what your feelings are on the subject based upon her reaction to your talks. Are you expecting her to change her actions based upon the content of your letter? I somehow don't think that will work. The only person who you can change in this situation is ... yourself. No matter how many letters or how many talks you have with your wife, you still cannot change her, you can only change yourself. That doesn't mean you have to settle for the relationship as it currently stands. There are a lot of things you can do to better yourself, which in time may make you more attractive to your wife and strengthen your relationship. You haven't given much background information about yourself - your ages, how long married, kids, jobs, general marital accord outside of this area that might help people give you some more practical advice.


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## wife1983 (Mar 20, 2011)

Myself and my husband are bottlers - we keep everything locked up inside until an issue occurs and it all comes pouring out and quite honestly I could not tell you half the issues covered in the 'talk'. When it comes to talking about sex - we are rubbish about it! We only talk well about it if it is occuring on a TV show or I find an article related to our situation which we can talk about. But the important emotions/problems with sex we just bottle it! 

Personally I quite like the idea of letters (though have never been brave enough to write one to hubby!) I would be mortified if I received one from him at first but I think it would give me proper time to consider on my own and write my own replies to him calmly with no need for a instant response. I am more detailed when I write then when I speak so I would hopefully get my points across better! I am desperate to find out what he is really thinking and I am sure that during 'talks' he only tells me what he thinks I want to hear rather than the truth. With a letter I would be able to ask for his feelings and opinions rather than give him hints of what I may think the problem as he sees it may be.

However, if I was to write a letter I wouldn't give it to him but I would keep it and use it to talk to him to remind myself of the key points or to pass to him to read bits if I start struggling. I would use the letter as a way of focusing my feelings so they don't all bubble up at once when we talk.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I will say this I'm a HUGE fan of writing letters that you DO NOT SEND. Those help me get my thoughts and feelings out so I'm better equipped to talk to my husband when I do have something to discuss. I can yell, scream and cuss in a letter. I swear it feels just as good as if I really did it. Then I delete (I prefer to type) the letter and am able to more calmly approach him with a problem.

I have issues with needing to calm down before I talk and so in that aspect writing a letter helps. I'll give you that.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Shiny said:


> I love my wife and will forever but I am frustrated by our sexual relationship but she clams up and becomes very defensive whenever I try to talk to her about it.
> 
> As trying to talk doesn't allow me to express my thoughts, I decided I should write a letter but don't know how to start.


Every woman is DIFFERENT. I absolutely ADORE writers, any form of communcation is something I would *appreciate*, emotions on paper - this is next to the verbal word to my heart. A well thought out written letter would *MOVE ME*, I would NOT find it pathetic at all. (but I am a little out of the box in comparison to most women).

My husband used to write me letters when we were dating, I learned years later he did not care for doing that, he did it just to "keep me"-cause I wrote to him-- so My husband is NOT that type of man, but I often WISH he was! 

If your wife is NOT a letter writer herself, chances are she will find it lame. And if you have talked till you are blue in the face about sex, chances are you will keep getting the same. 

Better to turn down your thermostat -this works more effectively with MOST women. Read this thread http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/21278-thermostat-ultimate-barometer-your-r.html


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## ladyybyrd (Jan 4, 2011)

I would love for my h to write me a letter, but that is just me though.

I would write everything down you want to tell her and take it with you when you talk to her. That way you don't forget anything you want to say.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Ladyybyrd you do remember that this isn't exactly something like love notes hanging around the house that the OP is proposing right? Hmmm wait... come to think of it now... maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea IF he does it like love notes, but I dunno lol

Heh gives me a few ideas for a prank on the missus, gotta get her back for plucking out all my white hairs to the point I've got a huge patch of 'em on one spot (probably not her fault actually but meh!)

Sorry, probably not a good idea after all, OP's wife's first impression may very well be... "W.T.F.!?!?!?!"


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Here is the basic problem. Your wife is tardy with sex, which is abusive and unreasonable. Your response to this abuse is to declare your undying love and devotion. Bad behavior doesn't change if it is reinforced with positive consequences. No letter, no pleading, no groveling, no compliments. She gives you barely minimum wife input? You work extra hard to look good, smell good, be as happy and confident as you possibly can, and find reasons to spend more time away from home. You might tell her that you love her but you've accepted that she wants a purely functional, financial type relationship rather than a passionate one. Out of respect for her, you will do your part to make that happen. Then, leave it alone and wait.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

I LOVE using letters when I need to talk about something difficult with my husband. I get to say what I need to say and my husband gets to process it in his own time. It has worked well for us. It helps you avoid arguments!

I don't think letters are "pathetic"....not in the least. 

What exactly do you want to say to your wife? You could start by saying "Wife, I am writing this letter because I am feeling really hurt and frustrated about __________ (lack of sex/intimacy/whatever). I feel like whenever I have tried to talk with you about this issue, you get upset, so I thought I would start with a letter and hope you will be willing to have a discussion after you read this." 

Then just lay out what is bother you, but make sure you are not accusing her, but telling her about your feelings. So instead of saying "you never want sex with me" you could say "I want to be intimate with you often and feel frustrated that we don't have that opportunity. I would like to understand what is going on with you regarding this issue. Not having regular sex makes me feel like you don't desire me, that we don't have a spark, etc." 

So focus on your feelings and what you want without accusing her. Try to convey that whatever the issues are, you want to work with her. 

I would also suggest couples counseling because a good counselor can help you both communicate better and get to the real issues affecting the marriage. 

Some couples fall into the "love you but not in love with you" trap, not realizing that in long term relationships, you have to stoke the fires often to keep the spark alive. You both have to be willing to do what's necessary to keep things fresh and fun. It doesn't happen on its own.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

What's to write? She obviously knows you would like more sex. She obviously knows lack of sex hurts you. She obviously don't particularly care.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I agree with unbelievable. Although I do understand the reaction of increasing show of love, it is so human. Sex means love to us especially men and when it stops, it amounts to a withdrawal of love. There is no more natural response than to declare continued love on the part of the denied spouse. But the exact opposite may be more effective. Instead be cool and to turn ones attention more towards self improvement. A change in hair style, weight, new and stylish clothes, a change in color palette. 

Still treat the spouse with respect kindness and declare love only occationally. This is not manipulation it giving the person space and time to notice the difference. Creating an uncertaty may work for some but not all women. If the husband is loved and being taken for granted, the thought of losing him may spur the woman to pay attention.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Look I've been the spouse that wasn't getting sex. I talked until I ran out of words, I wrote letters, I threw fits, all of it. None of that worked. For me it took figuring out on my own what the problem was and fixing it. So I'm with unbelievable she already knows how you feel and doesn't care. Okay that might not be entirely true but still she already knows and has chosen to do nothing.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

The logical consequence for treating someone with cruelty (and withholding is cruelty) is abandonment. What motivates her to change if the worse she treats you, the more you pour on the admiration? To a woman, confidence = strength = sexy. Groveling puts her in the driver's and puts you in the b%tch seat, ensuring she sees you as weak, needy, unconfident, and unappealing. If she treats you like dirt and you're still hanging around adoring her, that means you believe you deserve no better treatment and you have no other options. John Wayne don't grovel. Clint Eastwood would never grovel. James Bond would rather die.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

Geez, you guys make it sound like this is a black and white issue. It is not.

Proclaiming that his wife knows and doesn't care is overly simplistic and not very helpful, to be honest. You have no idea why she is withholding sex. Yes, it is hurtful, and yes, he deserves to have a sexual marriage, but to be so cut and dry about it doesn't really help anything.

Working this stuff out is a process. Maybe the letter will work for him. Maybe it will spark a conversation that needs to happen. Maybe it won't. 

Personally, I think MC and IC for the Shiny's wife is the best solution.

People withhold sex for many reasons, most which have nothing to do with their spouse. They may feel unattractive, depressed, have childhood trauma, fear of commitment, resentment towards their spouse, etc. A good therapist can help sort this out.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

He is contemplating writing her a letter in an effort to persuade her to change. That tells me he believes her withholding is a deliberate choice. If one has the motor function to eat or hold a pencil, one has sufficient motor function to participate in some form of sexual or intimate activity. She doesn't even though she knows withholding is causing her husband great pain. Presumably, she is able to carry on her other basic life functions. Is anyone else not being taken care of besides her husband? If she has a job, whether she feels like it or not, she does her job or she gets fired. Does she have kids? Whether she feels like it or not, they get taken care of or they will be taken away. Looks like a choice to me.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

Life, relationships and sexuality are not so black and white like that. I think your own troubles with your wife are coloring your reaction to this post. 

Most people don't intend to hurt other people. People do not fall into only two categories - bad and good. We all have a lot of good and some bad in us. People have issues and problems that get in the way of life, relationships, sex. Getting clarity about those problems and seeing if they can be fixed is what gets results. Making black and white statements accomplishes nothing.

The poster probably needs to feel like has tried everything on his end to improve things before he gives up. I respect and understand that.


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## Shiny (May 21, 2011)

Thanks for all the well-meaning advice. Perhaps I should expand on my original question as a lot of the responses have made some incorrect assumptions.

Getting sex is definitely not the problem as we are intimate very regularly, probably more than many couples. My problem is that my wife's idea of foreplay is several minutes of kissing and cuddling with almost no manual stimulation, and when there is it is under duress almost crushing my hand with her thighs. She seems to prefer intercourse to be short and sharp and when she starts getting very wet she wants me to hurry and finish. If I put my hands anywhere near where she has become wet(even thighs, tummy, buttocks) my hands are quickly moved away. As long as I have an orgasm she is happy to finish.

All these things frustrate me as I want to enjoy more touching etc during foreplay and want to give her wild orgasms as I have with partners when I was single. I want her to relax more about her sexuality and get into sex more and try different things(nothing weird or unusual), but as soon as the subject is raised she clams up with different excuses and changes the subject. I've tried many different approaches and none have worked so that is why I considered a letter as I feel she *may *read it. I've also thought about buying a book or something to encourage her to realise what I'm asking for is normal, natural and for her benefit too.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

Hmmm, that puts a different spin on things. It seems like there is something making her really nervous during sex. It could be a multitude of things and her unwillingness to talk about it may mean she's ashamed or afraid to talk about it. Maybe she was molested or had some type of traumatic experience around sex that has her hung up. Maybe she was raised to believe that sex was bad or dirty.

When my friend was 16, she had a sexual relationship with a married man she babysat for. She had a schoolgirl crush on him and she was a virgin, but he pursued her. She was not ready for sex, least of all with a married man, but he pressured her and took advantage of her admiration and got sexual with her. He gave her oral several times but they never had sex. After that experience, she has never enjoyed oral with any man because it make her think of that traumatic period in her life. It literally made her feel sick. 

I would be very careful what you say in your letter. You could let her know that you love her, love her body, love making love to her. Tell her you are concerned that she is not comfortable sometimes during sex. Ask her if you are doing anything to make her feel uncomfortable. Let her know that if there is anything that makes her nervous about sex, you are happy to discuss it with her and that you will love her no matter what. 

This may seem sappy and indirect, but it seems that there is something making her really uncomfortable and unless you tread carefully, she will not talk. I think she may feel pressured if you simply tell her you need more foreplay.

I could be way off base, but that's my initial reaction.


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## Shiny (May 21, 2011)

Laurae1967 said:


> ...but it seems that there is something making her really uncomfortable and unless you tread carefully, she will not talk. I think she may feel pressured if you simply tell her you need more foreplay.


My thoughts are along similar lines Laurae but her unwillingness to talk about it makes it impossible to help with whatever makes her feel uncomfortable or dirty or whatever the case may be.

I would be happier to know whats wrong and keep our lovemaking as it is rather than our current status of no communication and the feeling of rejection whenever I try to add a little extra to the bedroom. Writing a letter seems to be the only way I may discover anything as attempting to talk about this topic has been constantly fruitless during our long relationship.


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## Roooth (May 13, 2011)

Personally, I'm a big fan of letters, especially if fights escalate. They are a great way to get out everything you think and feel about a situation without being interrupted, without emotional distraction or escalation. You can say it calmly. Then you can let your spouse know you wanted to do that so you can get it all out and let them have their own time to read it and choose to respond by letter or by talking. Communication can be much more calm and productive, provided you are skillful in how you write the letter, stating what you need without accusing. Good luck.


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## candice912 (Sep 4, 2010)

Shiny said:


> Thanks for all the well-meaning advice. Perhaps I should expand on my original question as a lot of the responses have made some incorrect assumptions.
> 
> Getting sex is definitely not the problem as we are intimate very regularly, probably more than many couples. My problem is that my wife's idea of foreplay is several minutes of kissing and cuddling with almost no manual stimulation, and when there is it is under duress almost crushing my hand with her thighs. She seems to prefer intercourse to be short and sharp and when she starts getting very wet she wants me to hurry and finish. If I put my hands anywhere near where she has become wet(even thighs, tummy, buttocks) my hands are quickly moved away. As long as I have an orgasm she is happy to finish.
> 
> All these things frustrate me as I want to enjoy more touching etc during foreplay and want to give her wild orgasms as I have with partners when I was single. I want her to relax more about her sexuality and get into sex more and try different things(nothing weird or unusual), but as soon as the subject is raised she clams up with different excuses and changes the subject. I've tried many different approaches and none have worked so that is why I considered a letter as I feel she *may *read it. I've also thought about buying a book or something to encourage her to realise what I'm asking for is normal, natural and for her benefit too.


I think the letter is a great idea! I have had points where when I try and speak, all I get back is deffensiveness and a brick wall. At this point I have written letters and it did reach them. Writing a letter takes away any harsh angry tones you may be delivering in a talk. It also gives you a chance to proof read it to put yourself in her shoes as to how it may be taken before you give it. 

From reading your description here, it sounds as if your wife had a really bad experience with a guy. She may not have told you out of embarrassment or shame. Sometimes guys say the cruelest things that can damage how a woman perceives herself. Or else, she could have been shamed by her own parents about this. Either way, it sounds like someone has made her believe her own sexuality is bad or dirty. Seriously, her behaviour is similar to someone who has been molested. She may not even remember. Has she confided anything strange to you? 

In the letter, I would instead of demanding more foreplay (I assume you have said that before and I don't think that is the real problem, but merely a side effect), I would focus on trying to get her to open up. Focus on her. I would point blank ask her if anyone has hurt her in the past or if she even felt hurt by words someone has said to her. Tell her you want her to be happy so you too can have a stronger happier marriage together. As her what it's going to take to get there? Would she consider counseling? Promise her that no matter what her answers, it is safe and you will not criticize her answers. If she talks at all, just say okay for the moment. 

I accept I could be wrong, but I've seen and read many molested as children behave like that. It's more common than you think. One out of every three girls has been molested before age 18 and one out of six boys has been molested before age 18. 

If she continues to clam up, counseling may help you get to the bottom of this issue. Best of luck.


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## Shiny (May 21, 2011)

I have no doubt there is something that my wife has been taught or experienced either through her upbringing or her only other prior relationship that makes her still feel uncomfortable even with me, after 15 years together. We almost never argue or fight about *anything* and that doesn't mean one or the other is more dominant. We usually seem to find a common ground fairly.

Suggesting abuse or other possible reasons for my interpretation of her reactions is more than likely going to give her more intention to distance herself from discussing the situation if I get it wrong, so I need a soft approach in case any of the above may or may not be correct, in order to allow her to open up without just confirming/denying any expectations she may think I have.


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## candice912 (Sep 4, 2010)

Shiny said:


> I have no doubt there is something that my wife has been taught or experienced either through her upbringing or her only other prior relationship that makes her still feel uncomfortable even with me, after 15 years together. We almost never argue or fight about *anything* and that doesn't mean one or the other is more dominant. We usually seem to find a common ground fairly.
> 
> Suggesting abuse or other possible reasons for my interpretation of her reactions is more than likely going to give her more intention to distance herself from discussing the situation if I get it wrong, so I need a soft approach in case any of the above may or may not be correct, in order to allow her to open up without just confirming/denying any expectations she may think I have.


Suggesting abuse was for you to consider in the back of your mind, to be prepared for all posibilities. I suggested you ask her if something has hurt her. I meant to ask it in a general way and see what she comes back with. You could say, "Has there been something hurting your feelings?" "No matter what your feelings are, I just want you to know that you can talk to me about anything. I just want you to be happy honey. I hope you feel you can talk to me about anything and if for some reason you feel you can't, then I'd like to know what I can do to make you feel safer to share your feelings." 

You see, in blunt I meant using the word hurt, but not naming anything in particular. 

You might be able to squeeze in, "If there is anything I have done, I hope you will tell me, because I would never want to hurt you and would want to work on changing whatever that is right away."

At least with that, you could eliminate that maybe it's something you have said or done that upset her. That might provoke her to talk a little, because she wouldn't want you walking around beating yourself up, thinking it's your fault. 

I'm just giving you some suggestions. You know your wife better than we do. This is just to help you collect your thoughts.


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## Shiny (May 21, 2011)

Thanks Candice, I understand where your coming from and gives me something to start from.


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