# Lost.



## Thegirlonthestep (Feb 10, 2017)

Hello, I apologize in advance for the novel. I need help understanding what has happened. 
My husband and I have been married 2 years, 25 years old and have 2 kids, 18 mo and 3 mo. I will write a timeline of recent events.
Husband starts new job with his friend who is a womaniser and young, partying kind.
Husband complaining of me not wanting sex (we did it approx 5 times monthly).
I have been dealing with pnd.
Husband becomes distant as do I.
We had big fight husband went to town clubbing with said friend then lied when asked if he did.
Weeks later I refuse sex when he advanced. He then forced himself upon me and only stopped when I started crying while saying no. He then pulled the blanket off me, pulling me down the bed and turned the fan on (I was naked and cold night). I phoned the police as I was afraid.
Police issue non contact order for 5 days.
On the 2nd day he goes out of town, clubbing with said friend and cheats on me.
I travel out of town with kids to a friends for support and a break.
After non contact order finishes he tells me he does not love me, that he enjoyed cheating on me and that he is taking the kids. He says I only used him for money and that I never cooked or cleaned enough. Mainly that I didn't give him enough sex. 
Husband cuts off bank card, I now have no access to money for nappies etc.
Husband ignoring my calls/ texts.
Husband has not yet changed his Facebook relationship status, he also told me he is willing to give me another chance if I getvsex therapy.
Please help me understand what is happened to my life. To my marriage.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

There are many issues here

1. you and he are not being intimate enough for him, this is a big issue for many husbands

2. He cheated and thinks he can railroad you into doing what he wants by cheating, threatening to cheat

3. He basically 'raped' you. I would suggest you go and talk to a counselor about this,

4. Do all you can to get away from this man, he may be young, but he is not marriage material at all.

Go see a lawyer to see what your rights are, have him served for child support payments. Get your own place and start life without him. Rely on your family and friends. 

He would need to make major changes in his behaviour, life style to ever be worthy of being a husband.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Divorce him.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Sorry to hear about all of that, Thegirlonthestep.

Please understand that WE are here to help you and that we'll be straight forward on things. So please listen... it will be OKAY. Not today, but it will be later.
I am a man, my wife cheated on me : I never did any such violence to her. What your husband did, is WRONG.
I am a man. My wife had our son. I did not force myself on to her for sex. Actually - she was wanting sex ASAP. But still, we had to wait and do things like lovers do.

Your husband is an immature jerk. He thinks he owns you like property (Seems to be a thing now with certain men... take note of that)
Not seeing how your friend corrupted him to be that way. But if that is the case... your husband has a weak mind.

Your husband is pretty much a rapist, eventually, he will hit you and/or your kids. He has shown no remorse or regret for his actions. PND is discussed by doctors to the both of you, right? I gather he didn't bother with the info guides on that. He cheated on you out of anger at least twice with WHO knows WHAT. He can give you STDs which could affect your future of being with a REAL man.

What state are you in? Doesn't really matter but YOU can use google yourself.
Step 0 : Get a 40 cent notpad like used in school. Document everything that happens or has happened. Names, places. dates.
Step 1 : contact YOUR family, let them know what has happened.
Step 2 : contact a family violence shelter. They usually always have a place for a mother and her children for short term (2~3 weeks) while they SUPPORT you emotionally and prepare for you for services and legal protection. Depending on state and funding, they can even move you into a safe-house for 2~9 months while you go to school, work and legal situation is sorted out.
Step 3 : Put in place all legal protections you can against him. If you can... get record ALL limited interactions you have with him. If he is sending you text messages with these demands.
** SAVE THEM **. Screenshot them. Learn how to do it with your phone. ALL phones can do this. If he leaves you threatening voice mail, save them. For example: if you DO not have text of him admitting he's cheating on you. Bring it up in a text or messenger SO YOU can use it against him. "No. I will not have sex with you just so you will help feed our babies. Not after you have cheated on me with other women who likely have STDs." If you have any money to spare, buy a VAR (Voice Activated Recorder). $50 SONY is best, but get what you can. As long as it has USB output. Any time you interact with your husband - record the conversation. Let him tie the noose around his own neck... but also, its for YOUR protection. Make sure state law allows you to record without disclosure. Some states are OKAY, some are not.

Step 4 : Don't have ANY more kids with your husband, ever. No more kids for a long while. You are already struggling. Get an IUD (5+ years) while you still can before its while the states maybe willing to pay for it or while it's still legal in the USA.

https://www.womenshelters.org <--- start here.

Your husband doesn't value you as a wife, mother or woman. So please know that what he is doing IS NOT GOOD. You need to take care of YOURSELF so you can take care of YOUR children.
If he cared about YOUR kids, he wouldn't put you and them in a position to be starving, getting diapers and healthcare.

All he cares about is getting his penis wet. That's it. Either from you or someone else. At this stage, he is a lost cause and will get worse. He'll need therapy and prove otherwise.

The legal system IS there to help you, even without money. Again, women's shelters usually have legal aide to help you file restraining orders and protection orders (those usually last 5 years). They can FORCE him to start paying child support within 2 weeks or so of being served.

Sorry you have a lot to digest. The women's shelter is a good place to start. They make sure you and your children are warm and have food. They will protect you from your husband in ways that friends cannot. Or at least go home to your parents if that option is available.

If you have family in another state. GO THERE NOW! Go to a shelter in that state, then file for divorce and child custody. Until or unless he files in court for custody of those kids... you can MOVE anywhere in the USA. If you are in Flordia - you can MOVE to Washington state if you wanted to. Once divorce process starts, you will then be stuck in that city/area or at least the state. Once the divorce is finalized. You cannot move away from him unless he agrees. But he can move away from you and the kids. So keep that in mind.

You need to plan for next week, next year and 10 years from now. Where you want to be. You are young, you can do this.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Thegirlonthestep said:


> Hello, I apologize in advance for the novel. I need help understanding what has happened.
> My husband and I have been married 2 years, 25 years old and have 2 kids, 18 mo and 3 mo. I will write a timeline of recent events.
> Husband starts new job with his friend who is a womaniser and young, partying kind.
> 
> ...


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

What happened?? Your husband finally showed his true colors is what happened. Your husband is a ba$tard. You need to get FAR FAR away from him NOW. Go to the police and to social assistance - do whatever it takes but stop having anything to do with him NOW. Get to a womans shelter or something.

Once you're ok, start divorce proceedings and DO NOT have anything to do with him directly. Do it all through an intermediary.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Hope from Canada said it all.

He is a monster. 

Every human being has redeeming qualities.

Since he has none....he is not human.

Do you have any relatives that can take you in until you can get back on your feet, financially and most important, mentally?

I am so sorry for you and your babies.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

We do not know his side of this story, however, from what you have described here, there is no way you should be anywhere near this man. Anyone who lays a hand on a wife/girlfriend or any woman for that matter, is an abuser and in my books, the lowest form of scum on the earth. You do not get to raise your hand, EVER.

We know that you have been left high and dry, so you have few options at this point. If you were my daughter, and I hope you have parents that are willing to step in, I would have you at the lawyer's office within the hour, and there would be no end of punitive actions that would come his way.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What happened in your life?

You struggled with pnd. Your sex drive is low right now, probably due to the pnd and your marital problems.

Your husband could not handle it. So he cheated. He's physically abuse, committed some form of sexual assault on you and is now threatening to take the children and not helping support his children. Then he was the audacity to say that he'll give you another chance.

What help were you getting for the pnd? What if anything did the two of you do to try to fix your relationship before this all blew up?

Bottom line. I think you married a man who cannot handle life when it's not going 100% his way.

The first thing you need to do is to take care of yourself and your children. 

I'm not 100% up with the laws in your country since I live in the USA. But I don't think he can take the children away from you. Your are their primary care giver.

What sort of social services are available to you in your country? Is there any kind of welfare, assistance? I think that the first thing you need to do is to go sign up for all the assistance you can get. 

Do you have any family or friends who can help you? Any who can at least offer you some emotional support?

Then you need to find an attorney and file for divorce. Have you looked into what kind of financial support you can get right now? For example here where I live, a person can get interim spousal support and interim child support while the divorce is in process. After divorce there will be at least child support.

I get the impression that you don't want divorce, but I think you need to do something to protect yourself and your children financially until something is worked out. Keep in mind that even if you file, you can stop the divorce any time up to the day that the judge signs the final divorce papers.. which can take months, even years.

There is a book that I think will help you figure out what to do.... "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. It gives a plan on how to deal with what you are going through and explains a lot of the dynamics that can lead to cheating. But when you read it, keep in mind that your husband owns his choice to cheat 100%. He also owns his choice to abuse you 100%. 

If the two of you end up wanting to put the marriage back together, Dr. Harley has two other books that I think will help you a lot. "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". Read them in that order.

Once you have read those three books, you will have a very good idea of what to do and what to consider taking you back if you will consider sex therapy is ok as far as it goes. Sex is a very important part of marriage. But it's also important that the husband take care of his wife when she has pnd and a new baby in the house. And it's extremely important that a person does not cheat on their spouse.

In my book physical abuse and sexual assault are 100% deal breakers in marriage. If you were my daughter, I'd advise you to divorce him and not give him any further choices. Physical/sexual abuse are things that cannot be taken lightly. One time is enough to enough to end a marriage over. 

Also, if you read the threads on this forum, especially those in the Coping with Infidelity forum, you will see that most people will not consider reconciling a marriage after infidelity.

If you are going to think about reconciliation, your husband has to come to understand that you might consider giving him another chance after his assault and cheating on you. That he does not hold all the cards here. 

He thinks he has the upper hand at this point because he's left you and the children without even the resources to live. That tells you how much he loves his children. He's willing to let them not even have enough food to eat. He'd doing that as a way to force you do what he wants... he found out that the police will not let him physically/sexually abuse you. So now he's trying financial abuse.

Is there any organization where you live that helps victims of domestic abuse/violence. If there is one, please go get help.

Here is the link for the *NZ domestic violence hotline*.


*Link to NZ Financial Assistance site*

*Link to NZ legal aid*

Those links should help you get the help you need right now.


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## ShatteredStill (Dec 20, 2016)

Please, I know it's terrifying to be a single Mum but you need to be very brave. NEVER allow a man to treat you that way. You did the right thing in calling the police!! You are a MOTHER, the ultimate role model for your children. You can do this, if not for yourself then for your babies. You should be able to trust your husband to love & cherish you. He is NOT that man. 

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you. Please be strong. Take care.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Are you in the U.S.? If so which state do you reside?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Thegirlonthestep said:


> Hello, I apologize in advance for the novel. I need help understanding what has happened.
> My husband and I have been married 2 years, 25 years old and have 2 kids, 18 mo and 3 mo. I will write a timeline of recent events.
> Husband starts new job with his friend who is a womaniser and young, partying kind.
> Husband complaining of me not wanting sex (we did it approx 5 times monthly).
> ...


Your husband turned into a monster get a lawyer like yesterday. Fight for your kids if not yourself.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Bananapeel said:


> Why did you refuse sex? Were you trying to punish him? It's good he had the control to stop. Where is all of his aggression coming from? Was he generally an angry person or is it something your relationship has morphed to recently? Calling the police on a spouse will generally not result in them wanting to stay married to you since it's an adversarial move not a team move. It's fine to do in abusive situations, but don't expect that he will be OK with it.


You left out the rape part in your summary.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

It sounded like he didn't rape her, rather she thought he was going to but he stopped when she started crying. Hence I addressed it as anger issues and not rape. Rape is never OK (or any other type of spousal abuse), but that has already been addressed here so I didn't add to it.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

This is what happens when a Man's sexual desire meets the hard working Father, supportive Husband and the temporarily LD Wife.

He met that Man. It is not Him.

She finally met that Man and he was Mad.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Everyone read that she has a toddler and a 3 MONTH old, right? I'm sure sex isn't frequent when you have a 3 month old!

He says he's willing to stay in the relationship if you get sex therapy????

He cut off your access to funds so you couldn't even purchase diapers!!

Please leave this man.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Seek shelter for abused women, they will house you and your children. They will also help with supplies for your children. From within the shelter seek help through a therapist as you were raped. They can help you more then you know and there is no shame. If you need assistance in your area for a shelter contact either the police department or a local hospital. 

Next through the shelter have them find you an attorney. They usually have a list of attorneys or can guide you to one. Then divorce your husband as he is very abusive. He may not abuse the children now but may in the future, so be careful of this. Please seek out some help.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

You married a self loving POS.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I sure hope you are still reading this, because you REALLY need to get OUT and get HELP ASAP. If not for yourself then for your kids.


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