# this site is going to ruin my marriage!!!



## NewtoThisMarriageThing (Oct 17, 2012)

I joined this site seeking advice.. And started looking through posts.. Needless to say, I have noticed I Assn super paranoid with my husband now. I question every little thing..even the most harmless thing. I found myself even checking bank accounts yesterday (I found nothing at all of course). I have come to the conclusion that in need to stray away from this sure! Unless I go to the "long term success" forum.. If anything I'm prepared fora situation I hope never ever happens. I hope its all useless info for me ! This happen to anyone else?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Why are you looking through the "Coping with Infidelity" part of this forum??


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Yes. No it didn't make me go snooping but it does upset me to read the infidelity forums so I don't. I do read by selecting "new posts" so I see them but I don't open them. 

I knew what this one was about so I did. 

I try to avoid the forums on divorce, infidelity, etc. Too depressing.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

??? 

The site isn't brainwashing your actions.

This site can cause one to take a keener eye to details.

But if you're going past that and obsessively checking up your husband then it means your insecure in your relationship, nothing more and nothing less.

I've BEEN through it, but I don't scope out my GF everytime shes away from me for 5 minutes.


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## NewtoThisMarriageThing (Oct 17, 2012)

DawnD said:


> Why are you looking through the "Coping with Infidelity" part of this forum??


I first started reading the stories there and some were "engaging". I also posted a thread there because I began obsessing.. My husband went out and got a girls number but I caught it right at the moment.. Next day and NC was automatically initiated and everything has been fine. I read stories on here and start thinking what if.. What if.. What if..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

NewtoThisMarriageThing said:


> I first started reading the stories there and some were "engaging". I also posted a thread there because I began obsessing.. My husband went out and got a girls number but I caught it right at the moment.. Next day and NC was automatically initiated and everything has been fine. I read stories on here and start thinking what if.. What if.. What if..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't believe the forum is making you paranoid, I believe your H's actions are making you paranoid.


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## NewtoThisMarriageThing (Oct 17, 2012)

Kasler said:


> ???
> 
> The site isn't brainwashing your actions.
> 
> ...


I definitely commend everyone here who has forgiven and been able to move on from infidelity.. That may be what draws me also. I think I have never trusted ANY man and this may have caused all my relationships to fail. I'm not sure if its because my first bf cheated or because of being raised without a father.. Idk! But this site has also opened my eyes to these possible reasons.. I need to work on so many things with MYSELF while being married.. Kinda difficult!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

NewtoThisMarriageThing said:


> I definitely commend everyone here who has forgiven and been able to move on from infidelity.. That may be what draws me also. I think I have never trusted ANY man and this may have caused all my relationships to fail. I'm not sure if its because my first bf cheated or because of being raised without a father.. Idk! But this site has also opened my eyes to these possible reasons.. I need to work on so many things with MYSELF while being married.. Kinda difficult!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I didn't forgiven. I dumped my unremorseful cheating ex fiance, and repulsed her away when she tried to jump back into my life years later. 

With a new woman now, but I did NOT want to be a warden like I was in false R and prevented trust issues from entering my new relationship despite how easy it is to do so without one realizing. 

It takes confidence really. I love my GF and our child with everything, but before I even met her, but post being cheated on I took to heart the knowledge that the sun doesn't rise or set on anyone except myself.


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## NewtoThisMarriageThing (Oct 17, 2012)

DawnD said:


> I don't believe the forum is making you paranoid, I believe your H's actions are making you paranoid.


This is what I mean!! These kind of responses drive me crazy! My husband goes to work, and comes back home. I know his schedule, it has never deviated.. We always go out together except for a few times in past where we had arguments. But we brought our issues to light finally and things have been good except now I started bringing things up and asking the dance suggests over and over just to be"sure". Deep downthere's the little voice saying let it go. He also told me IM going to ruin things becauseI'm practically looking for something
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NewtoThisMarriageThing (Oct 17, 2012)

DawnD said:


> I don't believe the forum is making you paranoid, I believe your H's actions are making you paranoid.


This is what I mean!! These kind of responses drive me crazy! My husband goes to work, and comes back home. I know his schedule, it has never deviated.. We always go out together except for a few times in past where we had arguments. But we brought our issues to light finally and things have been good except now I started bringing things up and asking the dance suggests over and over just to be"sure". Deep downthere's the little voice saying let it go. He also told me IM going to ruin things becauseI'm practically looking for something when there's nothing
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

NewtoThisMarriageThing said:


> This is what I mean!! These kind of responses drive me crazy! My husband goes to work, and comes back home. I know his schedule, it has never deviated.. We always go out together except for a few times in past where we had arguments. But we brought our issues to light finally and things have been good except now I started bringing things up and asking the dance suggests over and over just to be"sure". Deep downthere's the little voice saying let it go. He also told me IM going to ruin things becauseI'm practically looking for something when there's nothing
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What are the facts of your situation that are bothering you? Just spell out why you are worried, in detail. Generalities aren't going to help anyone sift through whether you're being paranoid, or not.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

NewtoThisMarriageThing said:


> This is what I mean!! These kind of responses drive me crazy! My husband goes to work, and comes back home. I know his schedule, it has never deviated.. We always go out together except for a few times in past where we had arguments. But we brought our issues to light finally and things have been good except now I started bringing things up and asking the dance suggests over and over just to be"sure". Deep downthere's the little voice saying let it go. He also told me IM going to ruin things becauseI'm practically looking for something when there's nothing
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It is normal to be suspicious after something happens that makes you question your spouses loyalty. 

If you think you might be carrying too much over from your past, and you think that maybe you are not giving him a fair shake (which it sounds like you feel you might have some abandonment issues??) then there is no time like the present to address them. 

I am not at all suggesting your husband is being untruthful. I am saying he did something that made you feel that way, and now it is lingering. If you think part of this has to do with your past, look in to it. Get some help with it.


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## NewtoThisMarriageThing (Oct 17, 2012)

2asdf2 said:


> My wife did that too.
> 
> She had a PA for more than a year. All the sex took place at work.
> 
> One of the offices had a very nice leather sofa!


That's horrible! He works construction though. All men except for the construction manager lady. Or project manager one of those.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NewtoThisMarriageThing (Oct 17, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> What are the facts of your situation that are bothering you? Just spell out why you are worried, in detail. Generalities aren't going to help anyone sift through whether you're being paranoid, or not.


He went out to a friends house from work which was his first tone hanging with him. Next day I found he got done girls number who apparently was there also.. It was a group there. His first time hanging with these people. I found text in phone saying have a good day.. He says she texted first saying gm.. Her response to his text was aw ty u too.. No other texts or any calls whole day. I confronted him and kicked him out of the house while he was already sleeping. He told me she put her number in his phone with the idea of "maybe we can hang out one day"..when I saw the texts I called from his phone and no answer. I texted and said "this is his wife who the hell is this". No answer. W.e I kicked him out that night and after we talked about it he deleted number, he said she never called back anyway because "it wasn't like that". Its been two weeks and nothing from her. I still think if it though. he admitted fault and has been good lately. I still bring it up though! I also noticed he deleted the friends number from work. the project is ending soon and people have already started leaving . I think the friend left but not sure.. He hasn't mentioned him in a while.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

NewtoThisMarriageThing said:


> He went out to a friends house from work which was his first tone hanging with him. Next day I found he got done girls number who apparently was there also.. It was a group there. His first time hanging with these people. I found text in phone saying have a good day.. He says she texted first saying gm.. Her response to his text was aw ty u too.. No other texts or any calls whole day. I confronted him and kicked him out of the house while he was already sleeping. He told me she put her number in his phone with the idea of "maybe we can hang out one day"..when I saw the texts I called from his phone and no answer. I texted and said "this is his wife who the hell is this". No answer. W.e I kicked him out that night and after we talked about it he deleted number, he said she never called back anyway because "it wasn't like that". Its been two weeks and nothing from her. I still think if it though. he admitted fault and has been good lately. I still bring it up though! I also noticed he deleted the friends number from work. the project is ending soon and people have already started leaving . I think the friend left but not sure.. He hasn't mentioned him in a while.


....hmmmm...yeah I don't think its the site that is causing the doubts in your marrige!


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## NewtoThisMarriageThing (Oct 17, 2012)

ImChance said:


> Sounds like he might have just had a possible FRIEND(s), and you KICKED HIM OUT for a text that said GOOD MORNING?
> Wow.
> You sound a little CRAZY in my opinion.
> No offense  But after reading your last post (several times)......
> Just WOW.


Lol. No I kicked him out for going out and flirting with some chick while I'm at the house all alone wondering where the hell he was. If anything, the kicking out showed him how much I'm not gonna put up with that!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

ImChance said:


> Sounds like he might have just had a possible FRIEND(s), and you KICKED HIM OUT for a text that said GOOD MORNING?
> Wow.
> You sound a little CRAZY in my opinion.
> No offense  But after reading your last post (several times)......
> Just WOW.


First time hanging out with a group of people and some girl put her number is HIS phone. Did you miss that part? Someone she doesn't know, and he didn't say "no, I would rather not." He let the woman put the number in there. I'd be pissed off over that as well. Some strange girl texting my husband? Not a chance in hell. But, those are OUR boundaries... maybe you have different ones and allow opposite sex friends who don't know the spouse. The point is, if her boundary was crossed, that's how she reacted. I may not have kicked my husband out over that, but I sure as hell wouldn't tolerate him texting a girl I don't know... not even to say "good morning". That is MY boundary. It doesn't make me insecure. It doesn't make me crazy. It is AGREED upon. And it's what works in my marriage. That's what matters.

FTR, OP, I agree that it isn't the site that is making you paranoid. It is his actions, or his boundaries aren't clear.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

OP, you did the right thing, IMO...you're not crazy. What would be crazy is to buy the BS excuses that most dawgy people give "she/he's just a friend" "there's nothing going on" "I have a right to my privacy". Stick around and you'll see. You did the right thing by running that hole-slinging-tramp off. And by booting your H's arse out too. You've shown him that you will NOT tolerate that kind of crap. Way to go! If only more were like this, instead of all wishy washy!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Your not crazy, and I commend you on protecting your marriage.
Well done girl, well done!


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Feh! I almost put up with it while dating my H..._almost_...then I found this place, read for a day or so, and went back and made him pick. Me? Or the 'friend'? Told him I don't have to share him with anyone (we weren't even married then).


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

Well, my wife and I split up once and got back together within the week. On Saturday morning when I woke up there was a message from Friday night on her phone. When I listened to it, it was some guy asking her if she was still going to meet him for drinks... Less than a week and she's giving out her number? That's what I get for marrying a BPD


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If this site is causing you that much stress, then maybe it's best to stay away from it and not read here.


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## NewtoThisMarriageThing (Oct 17, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> If this site is causing you that much stress, then maybe it's best to stay away from it and not read here.


Thanks. I will. I think this is exactly what I needed to hear.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

NewtoThisMarriageThing said:


> He went out to a friends house from work which was his first tone hanging with him. Next day I found he got done girls number who apparently was there also.. It was a group there. His first time hanging with these people. I found text in phone saying have a good day.. He says she texted first saying gm.. Her response to his text was aw ty u too.. No other texts or any calls whole day. I confronted him and kicked him out of the house while he was already sleeping. He told me she put her number in his phone with the idea of "maybe we can hang out one day"..when I saw the texts I called from his phone and no answer. I texted and said "this is his wife who the hell is this". No answer. W.e I kicked him out that night and after we talked about it he deleted number, he said she never called back anyway because "it wasn't like that". Its been two weeks and nothing from her. I still think if it though. he admitted fault and has been good lately. I still bring it up though! I also noticed he deleted the friends number from work. the project is ending soon and people have already started leaving . I think the friend left but not sure.. He hasn't mentioned him in a while.


See - not paranoid, there was behavior meriting the monitoring.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

NewtoThisMarriageThing said:


> Thanks. I will. I think this is exactly what I needed to hear.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I find this thought process entertaining. When you watch a spy movie do you get concerned that secret agents are going to shoot you to recover the atomic secrets? Of course not. Those stories don't reflect on your real life. It is not the troubles of others that are written here that are the problem. It is the insecurities you feel in your relationship (which seem to be well founded, by the way). Putting your head in the sand may keep you from seeing the problems around you. But it doesn't make them go away.......

Maybe the indiscretion of your husband was a one time thing. I can't bring myself to say it was innocent, even if you desperately want it to be. I hope it was. 

Good luck. I am going to remember this post as the ostrich thread...


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

This sites not the problem. Its that this site has opened your eyes to which you were previously oblivious.

The reflex of this would be to shut them I.E head in the sand. 

The real problem is your husband's loose boundaries.

You did well be instantly going scorched earth on him, but should invest some time into prevention rather than taking care of the mess.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

I can sympathize somewhat with the OP, as I've found myself, that certain stories trigger me...I hope that OP has the willpower to stay away, something I lack !


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