# Exquisite betrayal



## Ryley01 (Jan 2, 2009)

Hi..so long story short, married 10 years husband goes away on sports tournament in other province, for 4 days last aug. I found texts on his phone in oct and confronted him, he then tried to blame his friend, then he said it was "just texting" and that all the guys at the hotel were doing it. 

After I checked the phone bill online, (our phones are a family package so have the same password) I realized that he'd called this girl a couple of times while there, and texted her. One of the texts I found were "come to the hotel" from him-- "Y" from her and "still thinking about kissing your soft lips" from him. He asked her 3 times to come to the hotel and she did not, so it looks like they texted until 5 in the morning. 

I brought this up to him and asked WHY did you send her a text about kissing? And he says "I don't know because there was no physical contact." Well. We fought all that october weekend and I kicked him out, and then he came back as he said he had nowhere to go. November phone bill comes around and- it turns out after I busted him- he called her NINE times over two days with hwe not picking up the phone once except for the initial call which lasted 4 minutes. I lost it when her came home. 

I asked him why did you call her nine times and he says "to finish what I had to say cause she hung up after I told her I was married with 3 kids" and I said..ok so she didn't know that? I blew up and said come clean right now or get the ***k out of here. He admitted that they saw them in the bar and that she planted a"two second" kiss on him. That's not what the text he sent sounded like to me. And why did he keep trying to get her up to the hotel room? I'm not stupid I know the answer to that one. 

I just am confused about why his anger toward me was so white hot and he was throwing my stuff outside trying to get me to move out with the kids..calling me names...only answering and admitting stuff about the kissing when I found the phone bill info....Ther were no texts or call to her after the day he finished the sports thing but two days later he (or she I don't know) texted "phone me I'm home I'm up thought of u all nite and missed your voice" I cant find and outgoing text on his phone for that so I am assuming it was her. My question is- if it was over and done with after that text as he claims then why after I busted him in October did he need to call her nine times(with her finally texting him back telling him to ***K off) over that weekend when we were fighting about it? I'm still living with him I hate it though. I think about this every day and can't believe he did it, fully knowing I deserve better...he blows up if I ask any thing about it and tells me I'm crazy and obsessed. I just don't know what to think,it honestly feels like my life changed and I can't even be around him anymore.


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Sorry you're going through this. 

Go to Affaircare and Marriage Builders websites. Lots of good information on helping your marriage. 

I would start working on you first. Get strong and then work on him. 

Has he given you any other cause to doubt his faithfulness? I mean this could have been something real stupid especially if he's out with his mates. Like showing off that he's still got it. 

Stupid - I know. You did right in confronting him immediately both times. He's angry because you busted him. He's also probably really embarrassed because he knows he was doing something wrong. 

See if you can PM Affaircare here on these boards. She's really good at giving guidance on these types of things.


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## Ryley01 (Jan 2, 2009)

Aww thanks for replying. Yeah never would have thought he would have done something of this sort-- the drinking and going out I have dealt with but now the cheating. I get what you meant about him demonstrating the "still got it" thing but geez, he's balding and 40...and I asked how old she was and he said oh...21-26 I guess? He bloody KNEW how old she was!!! You don't text someone that many times and not at leat ask. He has since taken the texting option off of both of our phones (why mine, i don't know) and changed his cell phone number too. I am so stubborn I refuse to acknowledge any thing nice he tries to do for me because this whole thing replays itelf in my head constantly. To tell u the honest truth, if I had had the money I would have moved out right then when I discovered everything. Especially after he was so mean to me.


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

Don't presume anything. My wife conceded the texting feature to show me that she was "behaving". She even suggested that I get the text logs from the phone carrier. Little did I know that she had a prepaid phone from Target! NEVER PRESUME ANYTHING! DIG DIG DIG!


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## Ryley01 (Jan 2, 2009)

Thankyou workingitout. Yeah I have my eyes open-- But checking and checking on stuff is exhausting. If he's going to do it he's going to do it, no matter what I do or check on. I am getting dangerously close to just giving up. I cried in the bath last night and realized in the middle of sobbing and shaving my legs how pitiful I was. I need to stop letting him control my every waking minute...it's been excruciatingly painful...when I first found out I couldn't eat or sleep and I thought whn I saw him sleeping or eating with a hearty appetite "must me nice to feel normal". I am starting to imagine a life without a liar in it....how dreadful of him to do this to me and turn my life upside down like this. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Anyway, workingitout..how did you find the prepaid phone??


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## mariem1967 (Dec 1, 2010)

Your husband is using the tactics that most cheaters do. When you discuss thing he did he attacks you that you are obessed. They say that attack is the best defence.
I think that there's no use in checking his phones. You have proof that he cheated and for me it would be end of story. How can you ever believe him again. Are you going to spend whole life checking on him? He destroyed something called trust. Trust takes ages to build but can be destroyed in a minute. Your husband just did it.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Pack his bags and make it clear he either owns up, works to save the marriage in an open honest way or he leaves. Read the following thread

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...-things-needed-rebuild-trust-dss-honesty.html

Your husband is using anger to control the situation and deflect the blame of the affair to you. Stop checking as it is harming you, switch either to expose his infidelity or to him committing to do everything to rebuild your marriage. 

In the interim let his family know what he was up to. If you have the contact details of the OW expose this to her family and friends either via facebook or any other means. 

She must scuttle away as she knows full well he is a married man. 

If you want words to send to her family or friends ask or search my posts.


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## Ryley01 (Jan 2, 2009)

Hey you guys thanks for replies. Mariem, you are so right. I am tired of being screamed at by him and called names when i want answers from him. Eli zor....yeah I did text her...she had no idea he was married. He did not tell her he had 3 kids and was married to me. I definitely don't blame her as how was she to know, but HE did, HE did it, and HE cheated. The blame for me, is fully on him....He says he is fine with me as long as I don't talk about any of it, but when I do...it's horrible around here. My life has changed so drastically, and I feel like as long as I am here he will never come clean so...perhaps moving on is my best option.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Sometimes you have to move on for your own sanity , all it takes if for him to show remorse and be transparent. Until he understands that or acts upon it you have no choice but to protect yourself. 

Whatever you decide on do not share it with him until you are prepared and ready. When you enact it he may suddenly wake up, sometimes affair people are not repentant and want to hide the affair away, when they wake up it is to late.

You cannot and must not be in the marriage as you have it today, either it changes or you choose a new road for yourself and your children


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

Ryley01 said:


> Thankyou workingitout. Yeah I have my eyes open-- But checking and checking on stuff is exhausting. If he's going to do it he's going to do it, no matter what I do or check on. I am getting dangerously close to just giving up. I cried in the bath last night and realized in the middle of sobbing and shaving my legs how pitiful I was. I need to stop letting him control my every waking minute...it's been excruciatingly painful...when I first found out I couldn't eat or sleep and I thought whn I saw him sleeping or eating with a hearty appetite "must me nice to feel normal". I am starting to imagine a life without a liar in it....how dreadful of him to do this to me and turn my life upside down like this. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Anyway, workingitout..how did you find the prepaid phone??


I never found the prepaid cell phone. She revealed this when she came back from rehab.


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