# Seperated from wife, not sure what I want



## UndecidedOne (Jul 25, 2013)

I have been reading these forum for several months and it is time for me to tell my story and get some advice.

Me: 38
Her: 44
Children: 21, 17, 15
Married: 8 years
Together: 13 years

The oldest is hers from a previous relationship the two youngest are mine from my first marriage. We have no children together.

Long and short

My first wife cheated on me multiple times, when she turned 21 we started drinking (I did not start drinking until I was 25). With the cheating and the drinking the marriage eventually imploded and we got divorced. I got custody of my children.

I met my current wife a few months after separating from my first wife. I realize today that I should have taken much more time to heal from my first marriage then I did, but it is what it is.
We had a good first year but there was starting to be a lot of fighting towards the end of that year. We moved in together and had lots of problems with the oldest daughter and the blended family
in general. The oldest ended up moving in with her father which calmed things down a bit. But a while later my wife ended up quitting her job without talking to me at all about it. I had a lot
of anger and resentment about the oldest daughter and quitting the job. This lead to a lot more fighting between us that never seemed to resolve anything. There were quite a few times when I said I was
done and that I wanted out or would leave for a few hours and I always let her convince me to come back and try to "fix" the relationship.

Do to my wife's back problems she put on a bit of weight and I was no longer attracted to her. I did talk to her about this and we ended up doing some dieting and both lost quite
a bit of weight. At this point (for the first time in my life really) I started getting hit on a lot and I really did not know how to handle it. In my first marriage I never thought about
other women and I certainly would have never acted on anything if I had been hit on. Well, between the new feelings of being hit on, feeling good about myself with the weight loss and alcohol, I took a couple of 
girls up on their offers and ended up cheating on my wife (girlfriend at the time). The cheating never went beyond kissing (I know, I know, kissing=sex according to CWI, but it wasn't) but that was enough.
I always came out and told my wife what happened and she would stay. Most of the time I actually did this stuff in front of her. I think, for me, as I had tried to break up with her and she would not have it,
I was at a point where I was doing things to try to make her break up with me. None of this worked to cause us to break up. We never really dealt with the issues and everything was rug swept. 
One of these friends actually tried to kiss me at a later date and I stopped it and told my wife which caused her to lose a friendship. I never felt good about it afterwards and just used the alcohol as an excuse.

Eventually (after 5 years) I asked her to marry me and she accepted. We were still fighting, we were still drinking and I was still doing a lot of dumb things when drunk. There has been physical and emotional abuse
between both of us. I am focusing on all of the negatives, but in between those times we did have a lot of happiness as a family and as a couple as we built our life together.

Fast forward to today. About a year ago she started talking to an old guy friend. This is someone that she has loved her whole life (they dated for 2 weeks in high school) and I would say she thinks he is her soul mate. She was single for 6 years before
I met her and while she may not own it, part of that being single was waiting for him to be available. I know that there was some sexual activity between them while she was single and he was "on a break" from a girlfriend.
At the time we started dating they got into a big fight and she stopped talking to him. I would not ever have felt comfortable moving forward with her if he was still in the picture and I think I have always known
how she felt about him during our relationship which made it hard to commit fully. Well about a year ago he ended up getting divorced and reached out to her because he needed a shoulder to cry on. As you can imagine, with us
not doing great, she latched onto it.

I got the ILYBIANILWY speech a few months after they started talking again but we stayed together. At the beginning of this year he poured his heart out to her and basically wanted her to leave me for him. She tells me she chose
me and the marriage but as she has continued to talk to him that is not really the case. We have been going to MC for about 8 weeks now. About 1 month ago we got into an argument while at a restaurant and I got up and walked away
from the fight, trying to disengage. She took this as me abandoning her and called her sister to spend the weekend away. She came home a couple of days later and I sat down with her and asked if she wanted a divorce. She said no
but that she wanted to separate and work on us separately. We are still going to MC but I think she is really letting go of the marriage. She still calls me during the week and we talk about "stuff" though I avoid as best I can
talking about the relationship outside of counseling. At this point I am just kind of lost and not sure what to do. I know she is leaning on the OM heavily for emotional support and is basically having an EA even though
she does not see it that way.

I am in IC and I joined a NMMNG group a couple of weeks ago. I have a few friends but no one that I really feel like I can lean on and get support. I am at a point where I want to start separating finances (I told her to open her
own bank account a couple of weeks ago that she has not done yet). But I am worried that any move I make will just push her further away. Maybe I should just own that this whole marriage has been toxic and give up on it? I see the 
things we have built together in spite of all that has gone on and I really don't want to give that up. I guess I just need a kick in the pants or some guidance to figure out what I should do.


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## KNIFE IN THE HEART (Oct 20, 2011)

Undecided,
How long have you been doing IC? Do you feel that you are getting anywhere with this? Have you discussed your indecision with the therapist? 

It really does sound like a toxic relationship. There are a lot of serious issues. I think a separation is a good thing for you both. Use it as time to work on yourself. You can't control what your W does. If she is letting go of the marriage, your behaviour will not change that. That's why it's important to focus on becoming emotionally healthy so that future relationships are handled in a better way. And learn from your past experience. Do not jump into a relationship until you are in an emotionally healthy place.


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