# Tips to help my husband "man up" in bed?



## FairSkies (Jun 6, 2011)

My husband and I are best friends. Unfortunately, I'm afraid our marriage is headed straight to "just friends" if something doesn't kick in gear as far as our sex life.

H is in early 30s, I'm 7 yrs younger, in my mid-20s. We both work full-time, bring in about the same amount of money and contribute more or less equally to household chores. We do not have children. (He wants kids, I don't; not with the problems we are having.)

We have sex a couple of times each month. Our sexual encounters are short (he doesn't last long). We would probably have sex more often but I stopped initiating. We have talked and he said part of his problem is he feel like he is "older" so he doesn't have much of a drive. I happen to know there are PLENTY of men 30s+ with healthy sex drives. The other part is he is self-admittedly emotionally stunted and doesn't know how to initiate & is afraid of being rejected. Uh, hello, I married you. If I didn't want to have sex with you, I wouldn't have done so.

I have told him I want him to be more aggressive, forward, etc. sexually. I want some PASSION and HUNGER in the bedroom. 

I am trying so hard to be open and help him, but with each passing day, I am more frustrated. He has weight problems, and I have tried to encourage him to eat healthy and lose weight, as I think this will help with some of the stamina issues. He says, yeah yeah, but then won't follow through. Also, I wouldn't be surprised to find he had a low testosterone level. 

I know he loves me and is sexually attracted to me, but his sissy attitude in the bedroom is about to drive me nuts. 

He's such a NICE guy, but I'm tired of being the bad guy. I'm ready for him to man up, and take control where it counts. Any resources? I know this is rambling, so feel free to ask any further questions.


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## annagarret (Jun 12, 2011)

You know what? I don't see a problem here. He has told you how sexually attracted he is to you and that he loves you. He works full-time and wants to start a family with you. That sounds like a winner if I ever heard one. Just because he has a little weight issue and is not as aggresive in bed as you would like does NOT give you the right to complain. Welcome to marriage...I am sure there are alot of women who would love to have him as a husband... and I am sure you are not as perfect as you claim to be..sorry just calling it like I see it...


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Two part problem. One is you said he's emotionally stunted (actually you said HE says that so it's probably not accurate or true), and can't convert those emotions into sex. The other issue is, he appears to not want to. That could be the same issue expressed differently. So the problem is in his head, isn't it? Because you're not saying it's a problem in the hydraulics, you're saying the onboard computer is crap.

But you also said you initiate. So maybe part of the problem, now hear me out...is you. Maybe your eagerness is getting ahead of you and you're flooring the engine before it's in gear. Maybe his is an Offenhauser 4-banger, low rev high torque with a steep power curve and you're treating it like a V-12 Ferrari Lampredi that redlines at 12,5000rpm?

All I'm saying is, if he's having problems with premature ejaculation, you need to slow down a bit and address that however you can. Once you two can figure that out and improve on it, then you have all sorts sweaty cries of passion in the dark. 

Also, you know sex is more than intercourse, yes? Just about every part of the body can be touched, pinched, licked, teased, sucked, kissed, grazed with the teeth, fingered, stroked and twisted, yes? 

Or so they tell me.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I have also endlessly debated on how to create more passion in the bedroom. My H doesn't last long and the routine has been the same. It's been ridiculously painful. You never think sex is going to be the issue when it comes to guys. So much for stereotypes, right.

I am still at a loss on how to get my H to be more passionate. I've suggested books, on-line articles, and different things we can try. None of the above has worked. And believe me, there is ALWAYS some excuse, something to get your sympathy. after five years of this i have no sympathy left. the bottom line is, it doesn't bother them. that's the the hard reality. They are not going to change because it does not bother them. 

You can pull your hair out and run circles around him trying to get him to understand how hard this is for you, what he can do to fix it, and in the end all you will get is extremely resentful. Resentment is a horrible thing to get over. It will ruin your life faster then lack of sex or lack of passion. So just watch yourself and remind yourself that if you are feeling resentful it is because of something you have done, not him. If you blame him then your resentment, and therefore life, will only get worse. 

Hang in there! I know how frustrating it can be. Just remember- don't push him to be someone he is not. Do you love him, or do you not? Take him as he is or walk away. You've made your point to him and he's given you an answer. Trying to change him if he is not willing will only destroy your life.


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## WadeWilson (Jul 4, 2010)

FairSkies said:


> My husband and I are best friends. Unfortunately, I'm afraid our marriage is headed straight to "just friends" if something doesn't kick in gear as far as our sex life.
> 
> H is in early 30s, I'm 7 yrs younger, in my mid-20s. We both work full-time, bring in about the same amount of money and contribute more or less equally to household chores. We do not have children. (He wants kids, I don't; not with the problems we are having.)
> 
> ...


Ok, it sounds as though you have the problem... And maybe he feels he dont...

Now I would suggest making adjustments on your end...
Sometimes, guys (much like women) wants to be wooed and flirted with...
Turn on the heat on your end... Dirty talk, dirty text, all leads to dirty sex... Do not let him get to comfortable with easy short sex...
Demand with action, show him how naughty you can be, and soon he'll be driven to match...

Now the weight, sneak him healthy choices with meals, go shopping with him, tell him him you think guys who wear this looks sexy, then just ask him to try it on... And let your natural flirt take it from there.... Ask him, "have you been doing more walking lately, cause your legs are starting to tone up"... Some encouraging flirting....
You know him better than we do, so don't ask, "how do I tell him to do?" and ask "how do I inspire him with my words and actions?"


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

The more time a man spends focusing on not ejaculating the faster he will come. One training tool as it were is to stop making love in order to climax. Lovemaking should be this slow semi-aimless thing, that if all goes right, eventually ends in orgasm. But it doesn't have to and it doesn't have to be the focus. He's getting trapped in a loop of thinking how to hold back and stay as long as possible, clearly when he's inside you thrusting away madly to prove to himself how tough he is.

Big mistake. In fact see if you can mess around for 30 minutes without your hand, mouth, vagina or 'other' going to his penis at all. Just forget it's there. And insist he play with you 8 ways to Sunday with everything he has, except penis. Just take the penis off the table. So how do you think you can make love, taking that out of the equation? Well be creative, use your imagination. You can come, but has to wait at least 30 minutes. And after 30 minutes, don't let him jump you. Learn a few techniques you can apply to put a brake on his physical arousal. There are ways to hold and press the penis or applying some downward tension to the testicles you can learn, which can slow him down. Learn them and practice practice practice. And if you really want to get experimental you can try direct prostate stimulation using an aneros or such but with zero touching of his penis at all. Do all the stimulation to the prostate alone. The stimulation will cause his sphincter to clamp down on the anal toy very hard from inside him. This kind of internal pressure can help to keep him from ejaculating as well. Since he's already followed your clear and concise instructions on how to make you come furiously already, you're in a position now to get on top of him and finally ride him, introduce some slight pain, pinches things like that, to keep him focused. If hasn't gotten off by now he'll want to more than he wants to breathe. So just throw him off the cliff already.


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## FairSkies (Jun 6, 2011)

Thanks for those who have weighed in so far. Will respond further tomorrow, hopefully, as my allergy meds are kicking in now and making me loopy.

First, I'd like to say I am in no way perfect. Don't think I implied that. Also, yes, he is a very nice guy and a loving husband. Am I supposed to be guilted in to being content in a sex-starved, passionless marriage just because my husband doesn't abuse me?

I have stopped initiating sex, which is why our sex has dwindled down to almost nothing. We had sex once in the past month. 

Dirty talk makes him cum immediately. Basically anything I do during sex makes him finish immediately. Anal play is out of the country. Anything goes near there, he tucks tails and runs.

I would agree he is emotionally stunted. His parents died when he was a boy, and I think that has affected him in several ways in his adult life.

My brain is so foggy. Will be back tomorrow.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

I would agree that just like the men on here, no woman should live in a sex starved passionless marriage.

I know for me, I absolutely have to feel desired, and i need him to be the instigator and the dominate one most of the time. Or it just wouldn't work for me. This is what fills my fantasies and what turns me on, and nothing works better for me. I know this about myself and just as if he said I would like you to do X, Y or Z I would try very hard to do that for him, because I want to turn him on. 

You and your husband need to talk, and I would suggest sex therapy, and counseling. Also it may help for him to know other men have issues too. Show him some web sites or forums where men are dealing with sexual problems maybe?

if he isn't willing to work on it, then maybe you need to move on.

I really don't think people should stay in broken marriages, where there is no sexual or intimate bond, and one person isn't willing to work on it. Other wise I think it leaves people open to having affairs, or doing something they will really regret and that isn't fair on any one.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

FairSkies said:


> Thanks for those who have weighed in so far. Will respond further tomorrow, hopefully, as my allergy meds are kicking in now and making me loopy.
> 
> First, I'd like to say I am in no way perfect. Don't think I implied that. Also, yes, he is a very nice guy and a loving husband. Am I supposed to be guilted in to being content in a sex-starved, passionless marriage just because my husband doesn't abuse me?


No one said you have to put up with it or like it. Merely that it could be worse. Much worse.



> I have stopped initiating sex, which is why our sex has dwindled down to almost nothing. We had sex once in the past month.


As far as stamina goes this is about as much help as t1ts on a fish. If you want anyone to get better at anything, what do you do? You train and practice. As it is, the frequency (or lack of) will make a self-reinforcing loop. You have sex infrequently so he comes fast. This bothers you and he picks up on it. So he doesn't want to p1ss you off and draws back from sex, so when it happens he comes fast etc.



> Dirty talk makes him cum immediately. Basically anything I do during sex makes him finish immediately. Anal play is out of the country. Anything goes near there, he tucks tails and runs.
> 
> I would agree he is emotionally stunted. His parents died when he was a boy, and I think that has affected him in several ways in his adult life.
> 
> My brain is so foggy. Will be back tomorrow.


He has to get used to the stimulation - not in a bad way. It's like anything really, really intense, if you don't do it and become able to "manage" it, you get sensory overload, and don't get the full benefit.

I don't know if anyone's suggested Athol Kay's married man sex life blog yet. If you're one of the about 1/3 of women (his numbers, iirc) who like the more aggressive approach, it might help to
a) show him you aren't toally weird;
b) give hm some pointers.

Aggression during sex is tricky. Men are brought up to think it isn't a good thing. In my case it isn't. If I start to get rough, the first thing is "No! Stop it!". The second involves her thumb in my eye. I got the message:rofl:


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

I don't think people realize just how much even a little extra weight can affect a person's energy and sex drive. I'm older, but at one point I was ten to fifteen pounds heavier than normal, and the difference, considering that I have about 40 years of being lean, was incredible. I do a lot of research on health effects of extra carbs since I have a very mild muscle energy disorder. Simply put, if he starts working towards a healthy weight, he'll feel more energetic almost immediately.

Contrary to some of the other impressions, I simply can't imagine how hopeless the bedroom performance can make you feel. Some who are low drive might ask, 'what's the problem?" The problem is that something you looked forward to for a long time is now effectively almost completely off the table for the rest of your life.

That said, the argument that you chose him will do almost nothing for his insecurity. My wife is insecure, and you'll have to accept that he would still be insecure regardless of what you say. Your words can only encourage him once he decides to begin addressing it. I think that it might help to really reinforce the areas where he does well. Help him feel like each small positive action is a major victory. But for a man, deciding to lose the weight, and bulk up the muscles instills confidence that you can get behind to encourage.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

When you did initiate, how did you go about it? Were you slow and subtle, building it up? Or just POW? Men on the board with LD wives are told to be slowly building up the intensity of passion throughout the day, so, do you do that with your husband? Do you subtly flirt with him, flash him, rub up against him - and not with an expectation of sex, per se, but just because you enjoy the contact with him? I am a LD wife with a very HD husband, and this is how we work it. I can imagine that for a man, there is a double whammy in that they may end up having a lot of performance anxiety associated with it, and may feel a bit emasculated if their wife is constantly the one after them?

Do you ever engage in any other sexual pleasure/play besides intercourse? Is there a reason why you couldn't? Is there a reason why you couldn't even if he finishes early?

Has your H ever considered individual counseling to try and get over the issues from his childhood?


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## Ayrun (Jun 12, 2011)

Eh, unfortunately you can't make him chase you. You'd think it'd happen but some guys it don't click. Is he takin care of his own needs between romps? Yah, get his T checked if he's willing. 

A good book for him might be No More Mr. Nice Guy and Married Man Sex Life. Only thing you can really do is be submissive, attractive, and available. Women were built to be pursued.


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## Kevan (Mar 28, 2011)

Sounds as if he has a massive case of performance anxiety and has also allowed himself to be cowed by you.

Sawney Beane was right about the self-reinforcing loop. You can't fix your husband's problems yourself, but you can help create the conditions for him to get better. To start, avoid challenging him directly to "man up"--he'll only hear this as an accusation that he's a wimp--and resolve in all your interactions with him to act as if he already has.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

My own experience is a bit similar. The outward appearance of it is at any rate. Wifey has zero zest in bed. None. Won't do thing one on her own. Ever. Won't start, can't wait to be done, never talks never so much as does anything unless I literally move her hand etc into position. I discovered the root cause is one of a pathologically massive sense of entitlement. She won't do anything, even if she claims she wants to because 'she doesn't have to.' Period. That's not her job. 'Doing something' is not her responsibility. The last time I asked which was years ago was 'you're the boy, that's a boy job.' Beginning-middle-and end of her entire comment. 

Perhaps your husband feels that his job is to just be serviced. There are enough people on this forum attached to people who believe that the only role of any woman or man who married them was to just be on call and be a functioning robot for their needs.


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## Rough Patch Sewing (Apr 18, 2011)

Does you husband have a really good guy-friend that will really help him man-up, so to speak. Not some jerk that will make him feel lousy about his timidity and sex drive issues. I am talking about a best friend that sincerely cares about your husband and is a good listener, friend, source of advice, etc.

I would have to agree with earlier posters that the best thing you can do is make the environment one that lends itself to low-pressure, long-time foreplay sex that will help him get the drive going.

In an article I wrote, I talk about how you can help him to understand why he is timid and feels like he has a low sex-drive, and then help him overcome it using that understanding "why" so you can help him get to the sexual fulfillment you both need at:  Intimate Marriage. Really, the method can be used for many close relationship problems and it is cooperative, as long as he feels safe confiding his feelings, etc.

I hope that it helps.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

boy, most of these replies sound like double standards to me.
i think she, as most of you agree a man does if this was reversed, has plenty to complain about and expect from him.


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