# My fiance had a relationship with someone else



## aberry254 (Nov 29, 2021)

We have been together for 11 years. The last 2 years we were pretty much just roommates. She lost her mother almost 6 months ago. She felt alone and lost, she said I didn't give her any emotional support. And I have admitted that I wasn't there for her. So about 2 months or so she started a relationship with someone. I moved out a few weeks ago because I thought we were done. She ended that relationship but I found out they had sex in what was our bed. We have been trying to restart our relationship. My biggest issue is how do I get past the fact they had sex in our bed? Can something like this be forgiven?


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

If you are willing to forgive her, it may help to get rid of the bed.


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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

You don’t. You move on.

If you must reconcile, there are many things you have to do, and even more things she has to do. Others may help you with this option.


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## Galabar01 (Mar 20, 2019)

You aren't married. Move on.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

She tried out another guy and came back to you (plan b)…. I say once a woman makes you plan b, don’t ever let her be your plan A again. 
id move on if I were you.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

aberry254 said:


> My biggest issue is how do I get past the fact they had sex in our bed?


By (1) replacing the defiled bed, and (2) replacing the woman who defiled it.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

You end this before you have to go through a divorce. There’s nothing to save here.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

aberry254 said:


> We have been together for 11 years. The last 2 years we were pretty much just roommates. She lost her mother almost 6 months ago. She felt alone and lost, she said I didn't give her any emotional support. And I have admitted that I wasn't there for her. So about 2 months or so she started a relationship with someone. I moved out a few weeks ago because I thought we were done. She ended that relationship but I found out they had sex in what was our bed. We have been trying to restart our relationship. My biggest issue is how do I get past the fact they had sex in our bed? Can something like this be forgiven?


Dumping her would go a long way toward that.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

One more vote for tossing out the bed with her in it.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Yes, toss out your baby with her wrath water.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Its kinda nice when they come crawling back, after their play.

Too bad she cannot take her shoes off and stay.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You need a new bed and a new girlfriend. Not necessarily in that order.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

aberry254 said:


> Can something like this be forgiven?


In a word, 

NO.

Plan B she made you and plan B you shall remain evermore.

How could you possibly ever be okay with that?


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

*She felt alone and lost, she said I didn't give her any emotional support. And I have admitted that I wasn't there for her. So about 2 months or so she started a relationship with someone. *

Absolutely not. She did not have sex with another man because she was lonely/grieving her loss. She had an affair because she wanted to. She had other options and other people to talk to. However, she chose adultery (which includes betraying & destroying her life partner).

Her decision to cheat is 100% her responsibility. You were in the same relationship but you didn't cheat. Cheaters share certain characteristics in the context of a relationship: selfish, entitled, deceitful, and lack empathy for you. It's who they are and there's no easy quick fix.

A moral trustworthy partner doesn't run you over with a truck just because they feel lonely or lost their mother. I moral trustworthy life partner doesn't cheat because their core values to not permit adultery under any circumstances.

Your fiancee is a deeply broken person that is high risk to cheat again. She needs serious therapy. Even then it will take 2-5 years for her to fix herself (if ever); and then for you to know if you trust her again as well as to live with her betrayal.

Currently there is no relationship or engagement (she destroyed it). You now must decide if you want to attempt to rebuild a new relationship with this person. Even if she's been faithful for 11 years, she's high risk to repeat the next time she feels down or lonely.

Give yourself at least 90 days (extend as necessary) before considering giving her a second chance. Demand she provide a plan to make herself safe. And inform her that her promises and tears (from a deceitful person) are not only meaningless - but neither makes her a safe life partner.

The engagement is the trial run and she failed. If there's no kids, I suggest you find another partner rather than play the long shot of investing more years in a very high risk person.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

The relationship had already run it coarse and came to a dead end...no marriage and no passion. So she cheats on you and now suddenly you want to work things out? Why oh why? It was already time to move along, read the signs buddy.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Why in the world would you want to get back with her?? 

The next time she doesn’t think you are there for her, she will be off to **** someone else.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

why are you taking her back honestly, she has demonstrated when things are tough she finds someone else and you want to spend the rest of your life with a cheater...sorry but if you do i promise this will happen again and this time it will be all on you because she has demonstrated what she is willing to do


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

aberry254 said:


> My biggest issue is how do I get past the fact they had sex in our bed? Can something like this be forgiven?


I think everybody here has told you not to take her back but sometimes that is easier said than done. 

If you are going to try to repair this you need 3 things: 

1. True contrition from her. She has to be genuinely sorry. You also have to wholeheartedly accept that she made a mistake, is sorry & will never do that again. If you can't forgive & forget, there is no future. Holding this over her head forever won't work. 

2. You need counseling. You are not just going to forgive & forget easily. It will take time & transparency to rebuild trust. You won't get there alone, just the two of you. Get professional help or don't bother. You also need to find your way back to each other. You have to pay attention to her & she has to develop better coping mechanisms. Cheating is not a healthy, acceptable coping mechanism. 

3. A fresh start. You need a new bed & maybe a new place to live so there are no ghosts. 

If this other encounter (notice I did not say relationship) only lasted for 2 months it may have just been a passing fling. . . something she did searching for comfort after her mother died. It may be soo fleeting that you can get passed it but only you know. I can tell you if you both can't put it fully behind you, getting back together will never work. If every time to close your eyes you see her with him, don't even bother trying to reconcile. There is no sense in putting yourself through that torture. Stay broken up & move forward with your healing. Frankly, having been together for 11 years, the fact that you hadn't yet sealed the deal & are now struggling with this to me is evidence that you weren't meant to be. 

Best wishes whatever you decide to do.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

The best indicator of a person’s future behavior: their past behavior.
She wanted some me one else. Not you OP.
The bed is a symbol. Erasing the bed won’t erase the memory. The memory is so powerful because it’s protecting you from getting back with a person who is sure to hurt you worse in the future.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

She is not your wife.
Being engaged is in my mind the true "Honeymoon" phase.
It is the time that you should be seeing her best, you should be seeing previews of how your life will be much enhanced by having her in it.
Instead, she did that for someone else. In your bed.
The only way to deal with a cancer is to eliminate the tumor.
The tumor is the woman that defiled your bed. EXTRACT HER!
Save yourself a divorce and a lot of attorney fees, and DUMP HER NOW!
Return her to her "Natural Habitat." The streets. WHERE SHE BELONGS.
Find yourself a real woman with morals and values, and build a life with her.
She failed her interview for marriage. Too bad so sad for her.
However, you dodged a bullet. When you look at the big picture, and the costs associated with it, beds are relatively inexpensive. Give her yours as a parting gift. After all, she soiled it, she should be allowed to bask in it.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


aberry254 said:



The last 2 years we were pretty much just roommates.

Click to expand...

*This relationship was circling the drain LONG before Miss Thang went out and had her fun - in YOUR bed. Jesus, talk about low.

*



She lost her mother almost 6 months ago. She felt alone and lost, she said I didn't give her any emotional support.

Click to expand...

*Sadly, that's what happens when you become polite strangers living in the same house. It STILL didn't give her the right to sink to the level she sunk to.

*



I moved out a few weeks ago because I thought we were done.

Click to expand...

**Best* decision you ever made regarding this woman.

*



We have been trying to restart our relationship.

Click to expand...

**Worst* decision you ever made regarding this woman.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

My advice. Get rid of the bed with the cheating, lying, unfaithful piece of **** she is. Do not get married it will be a disaster, and divorce isn't cheap and is very painful to go through. Avoid getting her pregnant. You aren't married so you can just end it. Find someone who is faithful and not willing to have sex with other men as soon as she gets bored, lonely etc. Go out and buy yourself a nice big bed to christen with someone new. That bed is dirty now, and will have the other man's juices, sweat all over it. Yuck. Your fiancee is now dirty from another man. You deserve better.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Hopefully the OP will return. If this happened before M, if they get married every problem she'll say is his, and we've seen how she deals with perceived problems.

OP dodged a bullet, or we don't have all the details for further comments.


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## orgeronbuilders (Dec 1, 2021)

aberry254 said:


> We have been together for 11 years. The last 2 years we were pretty much just roommates. She lost her mother almost 6 months ago. She felt alone and lost, she said I didn't give her any emotional support. And I have admitted that I wasn't there for her. So about 2 months or so she started a relationship with someone. I moved out a few weeks ago because I thought we were done. She ended that relationship but I found out they had sex in what was our bed. We have been trying to restart our relationship. My biggest issue is how do I get past the fact they had sex in our bed? Can something like this be forgiven?


Dump her and the bed !


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

aberry254 said:


> We have been together for 11 years. The last 2 years we were pretty much just roommates. She lost her mother almost 6 months ago. She felt alone and lost, she said I didn't give her any emotional support. And I have admitted that I wasn't there for her. So about 2 months or so she started a relationship with someone. I moved out a few weeks ago because I thought we were done. She ended that relationship but I found out they had sex in what was our bed. We have been trying to restart our relationship. My biggest issue is how do I get past the fact they had sex in our bed? Can something like this be forgiven?


So you are trying to stay together with someone who had sex with another person in your own bed? You are gonna have a hard life.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

D0nnivain said:


> I think everybody here has told you not to take her back but sometimes that is easier said than done.
> 
> If you are going to try to repair this you need 3 things:
> 
> ...


You left out -

4. Lots of therapy and possibly drugs.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

sokillme said:


> You left out -
> 
> 4. Lots of therapy and possibly drugs.



Actually, I did not omit therapy. It was #2; counseling is a synonym for therapy. 

I would never advise somebody to take drugs. If you have to be in a chemically altered state to sustain a relationship, that relationship isn't worth having.


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## DLC (Sep 19, 2021)

Why restart? Things were not working out, she cheated, you are not married, no kids (I assume). Just get the heck out and start something new.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

aberry254 said:


> We have been together for 11 years. The last 2 years we were pretty much just roommates. She lost her mother almost 6 months ago. She felt alone and lost, she said I didn't give her any emotional support. And I have admitted that I wasn't there for her. So about 2 months or so she started a relationship with someone. I moved out a few weeks ago because I thought we were done. She ended that relationship but I found out they had sex in what was our bed. We have been trying to restart our relationship. My biggest issue is how do I get past the fact they had sex in our bed? Can something like this be forgiven?


Doesn't really sound worth keeping.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Dude, she banged another guy in your f'n bed.

You could do better than her by throwing a dart in a Thai ***** house and marrying whoever's ass you hit.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

aberry254 said:


> We have been together for 11 years. The last 2 years we were pretty much just roommates. She lost her mother almost 6 months ago. She felt alone and lost, she said I didn't give her any emotional support. And I have admitted that I wasn't there for her. So about 2 months or so she started a relationship with someone. I moved out a few weeks ago because I thought we were done. She ended that relationship but I found out they had sex in what was our bed. We have been trying to restart our relationship. My biggest issue is how do I get past the fact they had sex in our bed? Can something like this be forgiven?


Get a new bed or a new place to live or whatever you have to do if you think it's worth it. You weren't married. The relationship failed because you couldn't support her through the death of her mother. So maybe it's not a good relationship worth saving anyway. But you can't really blame her for what she did because clearly the engagement was broken when you were having those troubles. To me it sounds like she needs someone more supportive and you can't just magically make yourself that way. You either are or you're not so at least be honest about that.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Get a new bed or a new place to live or whatever you have to do if you think it's worth it. You weren't married. *The relationship failed because you couldn't support her through the death of her mother. *So maybe it's not a good relationship worth saving anyway. But you can't really blame her for what she did because clearly the engagement was broken when you were having those troubles. To me it sounds like she needs someone more supportive and you can't just magically make yourself that way. You either are or you're not so at least be honest about that.


Bizarre advice and blaming the guy for his wife being a cheater. Wow.
He’s almost surely in betrayed spouse syndrome and accepting all kinds of blame— anything she spits at him, so he can feel like it’s his duck up and he can fix himself and live in happy marriage land again. No. He didn’t do a damn thing to make his wife cheat. She wanted to cheat so she did.
The only thing you have right here is that it’s not worth saving. But I’d add that it CANNOT be saved because one person can’t make another person love them no matter what they do. His wife doesn’t love him and the marriage is over, like it or not.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

aberry254 said:


> The last 2 years we were pretty much just roommates. She lost her mother almost 6 months ago.


So, she stopped having sex with you 2 YEARS ago and lost her mother 6 months ago. So we know the dead bedroom/roommate situation had NOTHING to do with her losing her mom.



aberry254 said:


> She felt alone and lost, she said I didn't give her any emotional support. And I have admitted that I wasn't there for her.


So, she expected you to "be there for her" when she was acting as merely your roommate? That's not how it works. You take away sex you're destroying the pair bond. This creates distance. You weren't "there for her" 6 months ago because she hasn't been there for you in literally years. That is entirely her fault for acting like a roomie and then expecting you to treat her like a wife.



aberry254 said:


> So about 2 months or so she started a relationship with someone.


Which, again, has NOTHING to do with the loss of her mother. Your marriage was already done before that loss.



aberry254 said:


> I moved out a few weeks ago because I thought we were done. She ended that relationship but I found out they had sex in what was our bed.


In other words, she dumped you for someone else and it didn't work out, so she'd now rather not be alone.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You say “you thought we were done”. I’d be interested to know what she did to make you think you weren’t done…. Did she kiss you, say she liked you, have sex with you…. What?


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Why would you choose to plan a marriage with a known cheater?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

MJJEAN said:


> *In other words, she dumped you for someone else and it didn't work out, so she'd now rather not be alone.*


I'm reposting what you said here because it is so true that it's truth cannot be contained in one post. We may need fireworks. So we can properly represent all the truthiness going on in this sentence.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Since they OP hasn't posted again, I would guess that he didn't hear what he wanted to from the crowd.He was told what he needed to hear vs what he wanted to hear.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> The relationship failed because you couldn't support her through the death of her mother.


Way to blame the victim. Shameful.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I'm not reading this as she was unfaithful though? Please correct me if I'm wrong, but OP said he moved out? If that's the case, she's done nothing wrong imo.


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## Cindywife (Nov 5, 2021)

aberry254 said:


> We have been together for 11 years. The last 2 years we were pretty much just roommates. She lost her mother almost 6 months ago. She felt alone and lost, she said I didn't give her any emotional support. And I have admitted that I wasn't there for her. So about 2 months or so she started a relationship with someone. I moved out a few weeks ago because I thought we were done. She ended that relationship but I found out they had sex in what was our bed. We have been trying to restart our relationship. My biggest issue is how do I get past the fact they had sex in our bed? Can something like this be forgiven?


Did you stop wanting to have sex?


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

frusdil said:


> I'm not reading this as she was unfaithful though? Please correct me if I'm wrong, but OP said he moved out? If that's the case, she's done nothing wrong imo.


Well, that depends. If a couple separate with intention to divorce I see no issues with either dating. If they separate in limbo or without clear intention to divorce then they need to discuss dating and whether or not it is ok.

But neither is what happened with OP. His wife started a relationship a couple months ago. He moved out a few weeks ago. They weren't separated until AFTER she'd started her relationship with the other guy.

"So about 2 months or so she started a relationship with someone. I moved out a few weeks ago because I thought we were done."


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I know, its hard to know in which order things happened, from the OP's original post.


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## David60525 (Oct 5, 2021)

aberry254 said:


> We have been together for 11 years. The last 2 years we were pretty much just roommates. She lost her mother almost 6 months ago. She felt alone and lost, she said I didn't give her any emotional support. And I have admitted that I wasn't there for her. So about 2 months or so she started a relationship with someone. I moved out a few weeks ago because I thought we were done. She ended that relationship but I found out they had sex in what was our bed. We have been trying to restart our relationship. My biggest issue is how do I get past the fact they had sex in our bed? Can something like this be forgiven?


Leave let her go. Red pill learn, look up hypergammy


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

aberry254 said:


> We have been together for 11 years. The last 2 years we were pretty much just roommates. She lost her mother almost 6 months ago. She felt alone and lost, she said I didn't give her any emotional support. And I have admitted that I wasn't there for her. So about 2 months or so she started a relationship with someone. I moved out a few weeks ago because I thought we were done. She ended that relationship but I found out they had sex in what was our bed. We have been trying to restart our relationship. My biggest issue is how do I get past the fact they had sex in our bed? Can something like this be forgiven?


Only you can answer if it can be forgiven. Sex with other men is a deal breaker for most.

She started a relationship with someone. Did she end your relationship first or you discovered she was seeing someone behind your back?

She withheld intimacy for the last 2 years. You were roommates and within the two months she was with someone else and she was intimate with your replacement in your bed. Doesn't sound like the 11 years you spent with her were worth all that much to her. If you dig deeper you will likely find that while she was not intimate with you for 2 years she probably was intimate with others. Best if you get yourself tested for STDs. You don't know where she has been or with whom. Avoid intimacy with her going forward. Would also suggest you not attempt to reconcile with her she has already wasted too much of your time.


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