# Disclosure



## oregonduck (Jun 29, 2009)

If any of you guys get caught, how do you deal with disclosure...i.e. do you tell as little as possible or do you just spill the whole thing?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

To what end? Put some more meat on the bones.

I can tell you from being on the receiving end of the lies about a relationship - and knowing that they are lies, you don't help your case by withholding.

If you have been caught - trust has just been carpet-bombed. You don't attempt to rebuild trust by telling more lies.
This of course is assuming that you want to repair the relationship. If reconciling isn't your concern, then it doesn't much matter what you do.


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## SaxonMan (Apr 1, 2009)

Mmm, let me see. You wait until you're "caught", then you have the choice to make a clean slate of things and work for making things better, or you can continue the lies, deceit and withholding.

I feel the very fact that you can ask this question means you're not caring about your victim so much anyway. Do them a favour and let them go.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

What do you mean? If you're a cheater who intends on cheating you obviously lie through your teeth. And if you're someone who made a mistake you get on your knees and beg forgiveness.

What kind of stupid question is this? It is obvious. You don't need to answer about the kind of moral lowlife you are.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Dang, Dobo...you're new here...ease up a bit. You seem to have some strong opinions...nothing wrong in that...but let the rest of us get to know you a little better before you jump on people's cases.


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## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

I don't know dcrim I like dodo's no nonsense attitude. I think more people need a tell it like it is opinion. Too many people who have no moral compass who do not take responsibility for their actions. If you tend to sugar coat things they wouldn't get it anyway. They need a blunt response.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

If you want to TRY to salvage your relationship it is my opinion that you need to tell as much as the other person asks and be 100% truthful: who, time, date, place, number of times, the WHOLE thing. And be prepared to discuss it ad nauseam in _some _cases, it depends on your poor spouse's personality style of dealing with the hurt, pain, and disappointment.

One thing is for CERTAIN: 

Once you are a cheater and the fact is known, YOU, the one who did the offense, are no longer to be the one in control. The one who has been hurt, is the one who gets to call the shots until the day that person feels they can live again.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

And, to follow up on Sandy, you cannot expect any privacy until the other person gives it to you. Don't even ask. Just give it up and get on with repairing the relationship.

If you don't want to repair, then just leave. It will do the other person no good to hear all the details--the fact of the affair is enough. I'm not one for spilling the beans about the sexual nature of the affair, either--but all details about when/where, etc., that reveal ALL the deceit so your spouse knows how devious you were, well, that needs to be shared. Every lie you told to make time for the OW should be revealed if asked, and if you really want to safeguard yourself against a future affair, you make sure you never have the opportunity to lie again. Turn your life into an open book and keep it that way. Privacy from a spouse is only important when there is something to hide--your thoughts are your own, not your actions. 

And if you don't "like" being an open book, tough s*it. Take it, or leave. You don't have any other choice.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Sisters359: "And if you don't "like" being an open book, tough s*it. Take it, or leave. You don't have any other choice."

:smthumbup::iagree:

You do the crime, you do the time.....


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## fairydust (Mar 28, 2009)

My H is withholding info that I've asked for. Yes, I'm one of those that has to know EVERYTHING. 

Since he refused to continue to talk about the A and I still have just a few unanswered questions I have know decided to end the relationship. The emotional connection I so desperately needed is now gone and I don't think anything he would say at this point could bring it back.

It's been 2 years since I found out about the A. I tried my best but 18 years have now been wasted on someone who hasn't showed me that he cared enough to be there to meet my needs. 

My need was just simple communicaton and complete honesty.


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## Heidiw (Jul 2, 2009)

Your best bet is to come clean about everything. Then you can both take some time to think if you two want to even be together. I've been in this situation before & it takes time to build the trust if that person decides to make it work. For me it always stayed in the back of my mind & now it is coming back to haunt me. Nothing sexual yet but he was up front with me as she lives in another country & has never met her. Just online & phone calls.

So at least I know it hasn't gotten to that point but she might be coming to see him in Sept for a little while so if they do become intimate then i am not sure where we will stand after that.


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## Conflicted (Jun 24, 2009)

My opinion is that you spill the whole can of beans. You will feel better about it, and if this is not the case for you then you probably shouldn't be in that relationship.


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