# She doesn't love all of me



## dasi95 (Mar 1, 2014)

my wife and I are becoming distant and on the verge of separation. Recently we had a big fight. She says she loves me bot doesn't love my body style. Since we've gotten married I have been loosing weight because I started working out everyday and playing football again. My wife has gained more than 15 pounds since we've gotten married. I loved her body when we first got married and I love it now. I'm 6'3 265 pounds. I love my body, but she doesn't. I was soo upset at this recent discovery that I didn't eat for a few days, considered lypo and fat burning pills. Then I thought, why kill myself to make someone love how I am. I told her I can't be in a marriage if I don't feel fully loved. She says my body doesn't matter because she still loves me, just not my body. But I still think I can't feel fully loved If someone doesn't love all of me. 

Not to mention we haven't been intimate more than twice a month for the past year.

Am I wrong for my thinking of not wanting to be in a marriage where the other person doesn't love me fully?


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Did she love your body before you started losing weight or has she felt this way for your entire relationship?


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

"My body doesn't matter because she still loves me, just not my body."

WTF?


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

F-102 said:


> "My body doesn't matter because she still loves me, just not my body."
> 
> WTF?


Do you know how many men have written the same thing about their wives and the feed back they get is supportive of their feelings - that their wives should loose weight if they want their H to be attracted to them.

OP I am sorry your wife said this. She shouldn't have married you if this is the way she felt. You could try the 180. You can continue to work out and loose weight. But don't do it for her, do it for you.


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## dasi95 (Mar 1, 2014)

breeze said:


> Did she love your body before you started losing weight or has she felt this way for your entire relationship?


I don't think she did love my body before I started loosing weight. She would make comments like "look at his arms, it would be nice if yours looked like that" and others. I guess I didn't pay attention because I just swept it under the rug because I loved her.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

d95, think of it this way: what would happen if you said these things to her?

That's right, you'd be paying for it for a long, LONG time. So, why should you put up with this?


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## dasi95 (Mar 1, 2014)

JustHer said:


> Do you know how many men have written the same thing about their wives and the feed back they get is supportive of their feelings - that their wives should loose weight if they want their H to be attracted to them.
> 
> OP I am sorry your wife said this. She shouldn't have married you if this is the way she felt. You could try the 180. You can continue to work out and loose weight. But don't do it for her, do it for you.


And that's what I was thinking but until that time comes, if it comes, I wont be happy or feel truly loved.


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## ComicBookLady (Feb 28, 2012)

What did she say to you _exactly_ (what words did she use) that led you to believe this?


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## dasi95 (Mar 1, 2014)

F-102 said:


> d95, think of it this way: what would happen if you said these things to her?
> 
> That's right, you'd be paying for it for a long, LONG time. So, why should you put up with this?


That's exactly one of the arguments we had. But she claims it wouldn't matter because she doesn't love the way she looks either and she would take it as motivation. She also said that when I see her body and I tell her she looks perfect to me or gorgeous ect... she doesn't believe me.


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## dasi95 (Mar 1, 2014)

ComicBookLady said:


> What did she say to you _exactly_ (what words did she use) that led you to believe this?


First she she said "it would be nice if you lost weight" then I asked "soo are you saying you want me to change so you can like the way I look?" and she replied " I like the way you look I just think it would be nice if you looked better" keep in mind since we have been married I have done nothing but loose weight. So I just asked her " do you love the way I am?" She said " I love you, just not the way you look"


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## ComicBookLady (Feb 28, 2012)

dasi95 said:


> First she she said "it would be nice if you lost weight" then I asked "soo are you saying you want me to change so you can like the way I look?" and she replied " I like the way you look I just think it would be nice if you looked better" keep in mind since we have been married I have done nothing but loose weight. So I just asked her " do you love the way I am?" She said " I love you, just not the way you look"


Thank you!

Yeah, as others may have said, this is entirely all about her feelings of herself. She is projecting all her insecurities on you, OR she is hurting about your marriage and is taking out the frustration in this way. Either way it's very selfish and emotionally immature of her, but if she is going through a difficult time (as you say, you are close to separation which is stressful) she may be having a harder time seeing the error of her ways.

I think the root to your issues are further in, and this topic is a peripheral issue. How is your communication style? Is she able to speak for long stretches uninterrupted?


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## dasi95 (Mar 1, 2014)

ComicBookLady said:


> Thank you!
> 
> Yeah, as others may have said, this is entirely all about her feelings of herself. She is projecting all her insecurities on you, OR she is hurting about your marriage and is taking out the frustration in this way. Either way it's very selfish and emotionally immature of her, but if she is going through a difficult time (as you say, you are close to separation which is stressful) she may be having a harder time seeing the error of her ways.
> 
> I think the root to your issues are further in, and this topic is a peripheral issue. How is your communication style? Is she able to speak for long stretches uninterrupted?


When we speak we both let each other get it all out with no interruptions, as a form of respect.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

If she likes a guy with a basketball players body, she's with the wrong guy...

You can loose weight and tighten up, but do it for you. She may desire you more getting into a physical image that she prefers.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP

How old are you guys? Kids? In particular with the lack of sex, separation sounds like a good idea. At the same time start MC. Following through on the threat to leave her will do more good than just threatening.... if that doesn't make her own and address her problems nothing will


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Does she acknowledge that you have been working hard and losing weight already?

I don't know, I just don't see it as all that bad because was once upon a time I wasn't 'in love' with my DHs body either. We had both put on weight with my pregnancies and I just wasn't all that attracted to his body. I wouldn't stop and stare when he took his shirt off etc, but I still loved him, he was still the man I would spend the rest of my life with. I know people think it's all so nasty, and hypocritical, since I had and still have extra weight on since being pregnant, but let's be realistic. Are wobbly bits and rolls of fat going to make most people go, 'ooh, sexy!'. Can their tender heart and wonderful smile change the fact that when they bend over there's a lot more arse than there should be?

Some would say it's shallow for being attracted to someone because of their body. When DH and I got together, he was soooo yummy. I nearly fell off my chair when he lifted up his shirt to his mates to show his hairy chest (they were ribbing him about it).

As for me, unfortunately DH is not attracted to my entire body. This is not me projecting, he's been honest. I'm not offended, I know I need to lose weight. It doesn't make him a bad person or an unloving husband for not being able to see the extra fat as sexy. I don't expect him to, but we still have an active sex life. I'm looking forward to when it's even better because I don't feel so self conscious. 

Edited to add: I'm pretty sure that if 'love' required people to love their partners body, many people I know would be divorced right now.


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

I don't see how you can tell someone you love that you don't love their body. I would feel unloved and I would question if they did love me. If you love someone your not going to insult their looks like that.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Thebes said:


> I don't see how you can tell someone you love that you don't love their body. I would feel unloved and I would question if they did love me. If you love someone your not going to insult their looks like that.


Well, I guess each person will have a different view point about this, but to me, I feel it's unrealistic. I think the part we love about our partners are so fundamentally about 'who' they are inside their heads, rather than about the amount of muscle and fat they carry. Therefore I think it's entirely possible to love someone regardless of whether you love their body or not, and loving someone doesn't mean you HAVE to love their body, it would be nice if it were possible, but if your body isn't fit and healthy, is it fair to expect it? Personally, I don't think so. I think loving someone is about accepting their flaws as a part of them, and loving them anyway. Trying to pretend that fat is sexy (which I know for some people it is, but not me) is just being dishonest.


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## the2ofus (Jan 28, 2014)

I can see what breeze is saying. I don't love my husbands twitching at night, would it make me trade him in - not on your life!


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

You should ask her to put herself in your shoes. Then tell her that since she gained those 15 pounds the weight went straight to her thighs and if they keep rubbing together when she walks, she's going to start a fire.

Seriously, what does she want you to do, cut you head off and go to "Bodies R Us" and get a new one?

If it was me, I would let her know that if she isn't happy, then you could find a woman who will be more than happy with your body.

Man if this was reversed and you said that to her, your ass would be out the door so quick.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

dasi95 said:


> I don't think she did love my body before I started loosing weight. She would make comments like "look at his arms, it would be nice if yours looked like that" and others. I guess I didn't pay attention because I just swept it under the rug because I loved her.


This is rude. She should not be comparing you to other people and saying she wished you looked like that. 


dasi95 said:


> First she said "it would be nice if you lost weight" then I asked "soo are you saying you want me to change so you can like the way I look?" and she replied " I like the way you look I just think it would be nice if you looked better" keep in mind since we have been married I have done nothing but loose weight. So I just asked her "do you love the way I am?" She said " I love you, just not the way you look"


If your wife doesn’t love the way you look, that is not the same as not loving your body. A person can truly love and want another person’s body, but not be happy with the way it looks or what kind of condition it is in. I love my husband’s body, because I love my husband and because he uses his body to make me feel amazing. However, I would really like him to lose weight, because I am concerned for his health. I am a health nut. My husband is not. I would like him to take better care of himself and to lose weight, but in the meantime, I am still crazy about him and his body and I would never tell him I wished his arms or anything looked like someone else. Ugh. I would be extremely hurt if he were to say something like that to me and would let him know that before he finished his breath.
Learn to set some healthy boundaries. Let your wife know that speaking to you that way is hurtful and rude. If she has a concern for your health, that’s great, but if she just wants you to be up to her standard of how to look, that is not okay. She married you the way you were and now she is trying to change you, not for your health or your well-being, but due to her selfish desire. Yuck. This is something that you can explain to her and let her know that it is wrong for her to take that attitude and you would like her to change her attitude and be respectful and supportive towards you instead of critical and demeaning.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I absolutely disagree with that assumption 6301. Just this morning DH and I talked about it and he said he would like it if I were more fit and healthy; that he'd like it if I worked on losing weight more. He's not out the door. We kissed after the discussion. He said he thought I'd be happier if he lost this little bit of fat around his middle, and to be honest, I was able to say it didn't worry me at all, because he's actually rather fit, and it's only a little padding, and I know he tries hard to eat healthy and exercise. I don't expect perfection. I don't think the OP's wife would expect it either, just improvement, and maybe the OP could use the encouragement to keep going with the weight loss. Note I do agree that she's not going about her encouragement the best way possible, but she just needs to be educated about that a bit more.

OP said his wife didn't even believe his assertions that he loved her body despite her weight anyway; she sounds like she's just realistic about it all.

Edited to add: I wouldn't toss my husband out the door because he doesn't 'love' my body. I wouldn't give him up for the world. I'm not going to toss him to the curb and try and find some guy who's going to blow smoke up my arse about the subject.


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## dasi95 (Mar 1, 2014)

nuclearnightmare said:


> OP
> 
> How old are you guys? Kids? In particular with the lack of sex, separation sounds like a good idea. At the same time start MC. Following through on the threat to leave her will do more good than just threatening.... if that doesn't make her own and address her problems nothing will


We are 25 and 24 with no kids


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## SlyGuy (Jan 14, 2014)

Look at this from another perspective. 
Quit crying and wake up. 
You're wife is doing you a favor. She's actually communicating with you. She's telling you what turns her on. 

You're lucky... i don't have a wife that communicates with me... and you DO !

So don't let her see you sulking or it will turn her off even more. She wants you to be confident and manly. Be in charge and go do your thing!


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Lose the weight. Be happy about how you look. Then throw her in the gutter and go get another.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

How much did you weigh on your wedding date?


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## dasi95 (Mar 1, 2014)

Emerald said:


> How much did you weigh on your wedding date?


I was 285 now I am 260


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## dasi95 (Mar 1, 2014)

SlyGuy said:


> Look at this from another perspective.
> Quit crying and wake up.
> You're wife is doing you a favor. She's actually communicating with you. She's telling you what turns her on.
> 
> ...


I understand the lose the weight thing. But I play football overseas and Im a lineman so its kinda part of what I do.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Sounds like she might suffer from body dysmorphic syndrome. Where she doesn't "see" bodies as they really are; only a distorted projection as SHE sees them.

The clues are: she doesn't see your body as it really is, and she doesn't see her own body as it really is (doesn't believe what you tell her about your attraction to her body).

This is a serious problem to overcome. It usually requires professional help. Body dysmorphia leads people to anorexia, bulimia and other eating disorders.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Loving someone and being attracted to them aren't synonymous. I do think it's reasonable to ask your partner to be fit, or at least that they not let themselves deteriorate from where they were when they married you. But it's not clear to me what she wants from you; does she want you to firm up or is she not into your body type? Because if it's the latter there's nothing you can do and I don't know why she married you. I'm quite athletic and a 36C/28/36, but if my hb really preferred a skinny Asian build there's not much I could do about that. Is what she wants from you reasonable? Either way I think openly comparing you to others is crappy, but honest communication is good when it comes from a place of love. Do you feel like it does?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dasi95 (Mar 1, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> Loving someone and being attracted to them aren't synonymous. I do think it's reasonable to ask your partner to be fit, or at least that they not let themselves deteriorate from where they were when they married you. But it's not clear to me what she wants from you; does she want you to firm up or is she not into your body type? Because if it's the latter there's nothing you can do and I don't know why she married you. I'm quite athletic and a 36C/28/36, but if my hb really preferred a skinny Asian build there's not much I could do about that. Is what she wants from you reasonable? Either way I think openly comparing you to others is crappy, but honest communication is good when it comes from a place of love. Do you feel like it does?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I understand completely being worried about health and asking your partner to think about becoming healthier. But Im 6'3 260, I workout 5 days a week. Mostly strength training because I play football. I consider myself to be healthy. I dont eat fried things or fast food, besides pizza every once and awhile. I lift hard and I eat accordingly. She wants me to loose fat.


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## dasi95 (Mar 1, 2014)

MissFroggie said:


> Could she be concerned about health issues? You're working hard to lose the weight and that's great but it still isn't a healthy weight yet and concerns with your health could be genuine and badly worded. She has put on weight recently, what is her height and weight? Is she overweight too or is she in a healthy range? If she is overweight and putting on while you are losing weight it could be projection and her own insecurities. Keep up the weight loss though - you're doing best for yourself by getting healthy


I don't think she's worried about my heath. 4 months ago we both got full check-ups. all of my vitals, blood pressure, blood sugar level, cholesterol ect... perfect. while she had some issues with them. But I didn't.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

dasi95 said:


> I understand completely being worried about health and asking your partner to think about becoming healthier. But Im 6'3 260, I workout 5 days a week. Mostly strength training because I play football. I consider myself to be healthy. I dont eat fried things or fast food, besides pizza every once and awhile. I lift hard and I eat accordingly. She wants me to loose fat.



But if you're a linebacker type and you work out that much how much fat do you have? That's why I wondered if maybe she's not into your body type.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

Lose the weight. Your wife has clued you in that its important to her. Count yourself lucky.


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

MissFroggie said:


> Maybe I'm missing something but 6'3 and weighing 260 pounds still sounds heavy to me even if you were pure muscle. At your age you might not be experiencing health problems but getting a decent result at a check up now doesn't mean it would always be that way. Are you pure muscle and is that what she's talking about or could it be concerns for future health or could it be projection - you didn't answer my questions about her weight etc. I know in the UK unless someone is a body builder type then 6'3 and over about 14.5 stone is considered overweight and unhealthy, 18.5 stone is obese and can lead to all kinds of health issues. Being active and losing the weight is really good and you should be very proud of yourself for that.


She's right. If you are 260 you are at least 30 pounds overweight. Probably more.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

I think it's complete bull $h!t. When she met you, you were 6'3" and 280. When she fell in love with you, you were 6'3" and 280. When she accepted your marriage proposal you were 6'3" and 280. When she married you for better or worse, sickness and in health you were 6'3" and 280. 

Now your 6'3" and 260 and she now starts telling you that she doesn't like you body and she gained 15 pounds and you lost 20. She should have thought about all of this before marrying a stocky built man, not after

Pure ignorance and if it was me, I would tell her to shed the 15 pounds of fat she carrying around and if she can't say something constructive then say nothing at all. 

It's one thing if your losing the weight, but when she gains the weight that you lost, less five pounds, then people that live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. She has no business making a comment like that.


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

6301 said:


> I think it's complete bull $h!t. When she met you, you were 6'3" and 280. When she fell in love with you, you were 6'3" and 280. When she accepted your marriage proposal you were 6'3" and 280. When she married you for better or worse, sickness and in health you were 6'3" and 280.
> 
> Now your 6'3" and 260 and she now starts telling you that she doesn't like you body and she gained 15 pounds and you lost 20. She should have thought about all of this before marrying a stocky built man, not after
> 
> ...


I also agree with this. She needs to be accountable for her weight as well. It's either you both are accountable or neither one of you is.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

wilderness said:


> I also agree with this. She needs to be accountable for her weight as well. It's either you both are accountable or neither one of you is.


Indeed. Maybe you both need to work out together! Quality time and shared goals... perfect.


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