# Almost a month into being separated.



## AlterEgoist (Mar 6, 2012)

D-Day was over 2 months ago, I moved out on April 1st. 

I've been reading TAM every so often, and I am grateful for all the advice that has been given. I no longer feel like that I am the only one at fault that led to the EA. It's not to say that I am not without faults; in my time away I was able to recognize them and and am now working on them. I am also rediscovering myself, to be the person I once was before I got married, only older and a lot wiser. I think it's easier on me because we have no kids, and all the time I get is truly to myself. Someone told me last week... "I hate to see you like this. When we were still hanging out, you were fiercely independent. Now look at you! (laughs)" I need to find that person again.

As for the relationship itself: I still take everything she says with a grain of salt. I don't believe most things she says. I don't know anything about the EA, and while I still care, I wonder and worry about it a little less each day. That said, my love for her fades just a little with each passing day, by not knowing who she is anymore. She's all caught up in this bed of lies, and I know one day it will unravel on her.

With all that said, I do have conflicting feelings.

I am starting to slowly like my newfound independence, to do whatever and whenever I want. Not that I do it all the time, but it's nice to know the option is out there. With that independence, I do still feel lonely some nights and do pine for my wife.

I go home on Wednesdays and Saturdays per our arrangement - no talking about the past - but we are free to talk about what we're going to do about it in the present. No sex, either. And I will not date other women in the meantime. 

It's a strange feeling to be at home now. When I first get there, there's a voice that tells me that this isn't home anymore. But when I leave the next day, I miss being there almost immediately.

That said, I don't think I'm still not over my wife - the feelings are very much there. A part of me wants to continue trying to save the marriage. Another part tells me that I finally need to grow some balls and actually file for D. And a thought is starting to form - the actual possibility of being without her... maybe it's the start of that moment of clarity where I'm over her. But not yet.

I just wanted to put my thoughts out there. It's also in journal form, but maybe I'm looking for feedback and/or advice. I don't know. Maybe someone can relate...


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I'm confused.

She is having an EA yet you are not allowed to date? Um, explain that to me.


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## AlterEgoist (Mar 6, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> I'm confused.
> 
> She is having an EA yet you are not allowed to date? Um, explain that to me.


Oh, I chose not to date other women and stated as such. While she abandoned her beliefs in what marriage is, I have not. She said that she pretty much put the brakes to the EA, I have no choice but to assume that it's still going on while I'm not there due to the trust issues.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Gotcha.

Are you doing the 180? going dark?


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## AlterEgoist (Mar 6, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Gotcha.
> 
> Are you doing the 180? going dark?


For the most part, yes. We do go out to dinner on Saturday night and we avoid fighting. Otherwise, we generally do not contact each other unless it's on days that I am staying over.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Stop going to dinner. Quit treating her like a wife. She needs to experience sanctions for her infidelity. She does not deserve any marital favors: dinner, money, conversations ... nothing. 

By continue seeing her you are sending her the message that you are okay with her behavior and that you will be there for her when she is through having her fun with other men.

Quit being a cuckold/doormat/safety-net, and cut off all contact.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

So why are you playing this game?

Your wife is having a blast with you on a string and a new lover in her bed.

She has you out of the way 5 days a week and doesn`t have to answer to anyone, particularly you.

I`m a bit envious of her, not many people get carte blanche to carry on such a completely narcissistic lifestyle.

Why are you not filing for divorce?
Why are you having dinner with her on Saturdays?

WTF are you doing?


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## AlterEgoist (Mar 6, 2012)

tacoma said:


> Why are you not filing for divorce?
> Why are you having dinner with her on Saturdays?
> 
> WTF are you doing?


I just don't have the guts to file yet. Ironic, since I did actually go see a lawyer last week and ask for advice.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Brother you are in denial big time. Your wife is making a chump out of you. You need to tell her family and yours what she is up to. Expose her to all your friends.

Hire the nastiest attorney you can find and go after her full throttle. 

Make her life as uncomfortable as possible. You did that and I guarantee you she will show you her true self. 

Quit being passive and take your life back!


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## AlterEgoist (Mar 6, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Brother you are in denial big time. Your wife is making a chump out of you. You need to tell her family and yours what she is up to. Expose her to all your friends.
> 
> Hire the nastiest attorney you can find and go after her full throttle.
> 
> ...


its a weird situation. When the EA was found out, she was the one who asked for divorce. I'm the one that wanted to work on things. I still do, but it almost seems like any decision I make, I feel like I'm not getting what I want from it. I want my integrity but I also want to save my marriage.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

AlterEgoist said:


> its a weird situation. When the EA was found out, she was the one who asked for divorce. I'm the one that wanted to work on things. I still do, but it almost seems like any decision I make, I feel like I'm not getting what I want from it. I want my integrity but I also want to save my marriage.


That's the first/biggest mistake a BS makes. If you want to save the marriage you would have kicked her a55 to the curb as soon as you found about her A. She needed to face the consequence's before R would be possible. 

Are you still monitoring her? Is she having full blown PA's or random dates/EA?


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## AlterEgoist (Mar 6, 2012)

From what I gather it's still an EA. When I was around there was no dates other than one time. Not sure about it now. And yes, in hindsight I should have kicked her out but she was in no physical condition to do so. Another one of my genius decisions in the past few months.


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## Unsure2621 (Mar 23, 2012)

I can relate Alter E. My husband and I have been separated for 4 months. He had an affair. I did however cowgirl up pretty fast and get the paperwork started. But I do go back and forth between "should I slow this divorce down and give him some time to get his head out of his ass" - "do I move on?". Every day I get a little stronger and living without him becomes easier. I think I am getting ready to hit the point of No Return. I finally started the 180 and I am doing it for me. I am getting my self respect and confidence back. Which means I am stronger. He has less control over me --You need to Cowboy Up. Take back your control. Either she will get her head out of her a** or she won't. 

I know it's hard.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

AlterEgoist said:


> From what I gather it's still an EA. When I was around there was no dates other than one time. Not sure about it now. And yes, in hindsight I should have kicked her out but she was in no physical condition to do so. Another one of my genius decisions in the past few months.


What physical condition was she in?

Is the house rent or mortgage? Who's name is on it and who's paying for it?


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## AlterEgoist (Mar 6, 2012)

keko said:


> What physical condition was she in?
> 
> Is the house rent or mortgage? Who's name is on it and who's paying for it?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AlterEgoist (Mar 6, 2012)

She had alcohol poisoning. 0.42 was her level when we checked I at the hospital. The mortgage is in both our names.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

So she's an alcoholic and an adulteress and she gets to stay full time at the house having an affair while you slum it somewhere else? Man o man. I thought I had heard everything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Do you have any proof of her alcohol poisoning? It'll come in handy for child custody.

Put the house up for sale, like yesterday. Do you have any furniture/appliance you need from the house? Start moving them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Don't you see that she has absolutely no motivation to change what she's doing. Everytime she crosses a line you complain a little and then rearrange things so she's happy again by redrawing the line fir her.

She takes and takes and demand and cheats. And you move out, you accommodate, you negotiate, you eventually accept. 

Why would she change when everything is going her way. Everything. Why would she return to you and the marriage? Whats her motivation? 

If you want her back you need to find your spone and draw a line and stick to it, you need to provide her with motivation to come back, and I will tell you that I this case the carrot won't work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AlterEgoist (Mar 6, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> So she's an alcoholic and an adulteress and she gets to stay full time at the house having an affair while you slum it somewhere else? Man o man. I thought I had heard everything.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She's not an alcoholic. Friends and peer pressure got the best of her on that night.



keko said:


> Do you have any proof of her alcohol poisoning? It'll come in handy for child custody.
> 
> Put the house up for sale, like yesterday. Do you have any furniture/appliance you need from the house? Start moving them.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No kids. The place I am staying at has the furniture and appliances I need.




Shaggy said:


> Don't you see that she has absolutely no motivation to change what she's doing. Everytime she crosses a line you complain a little and then rearrange things so she's happy again by redrawing the line fir her.
> 
> She takes and takes and demand and cheats. And you move out, you accommodate, you negotiate, you eventually accept.
> 
> ...


Great post. I guess what my heart feels is getting in the way of my logic.


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## AlterEgoist (Mar 6, 2012)

Dammit, I want my life back. What can I do turn this around? I almost want to confront her and tell her that I'm moving back in, and she needs to move the **** out.


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## Done_Trying_ 4_Ingrates (Apr 29, 2012)

AlterEgoist said:


> I just don't have the guts to file yet. Ironic, since I did actually go see a lawyer last week and ask for advice.


Here's some advice... find someone else and let your new faithful partner give your ex a good AK if she comes around again! Make sure she's tough yet sexy a bonus.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

AlterEgoist said:


> Dammit, I want my life back. What can I do turn this around? I almost want to confront her and tell her that I'm moving back in, and she needs to move the **** out.


File for divroce, ask your attorney for exclusive use of the house.

If that doesn't work, go into the house when she isn't change the locks and put all of her stuff in garbage bags front of the door. Don't open the door or answer her calls, act like you're not in the house.

Is there a window next to the door? If so you can tape a notice saying a locksmith must call this # before opening the door, etc.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Change the rules and don't let her use you.

Get an attorney.

Move back in.

Tell her to leave if she doesn't like it.

And expose her and her OM to freinds and family.

Cut off any funding you are providing her.

Once you've pull the rig out from under her, sit back, ignore her complaints and love you life in spite of her. Wait for her to realize you aren't budging.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AlterEgoist (Mar 6, 2012)

Hey people, I appreciate the advice and hard-hitting comments. Here's my situation:

Part of the reason why I moved out was for financial reasons. By me moving out, I am able to save up an extra $1000+ /month from my part of the expenses. How am I able to do that? I'm able to stay at an empty house that's owned by family and only pay utilities. If I were to kick her out of the house, then my load would increase by that much. Since our checking/credit misc accounts are all separate before hand, I have a rather expensive car payment to pay every month, and she doesn't. She's in a much better position to pay the rest of the bills - she just had to put her dreams of finishing school on hold and doesn't have the debt load I have/had every month.

Could I afford it all? Probably, but then I would end up house poor, and it's something I really don't want to be in, whether I'm married or not. There is no need to wonder if the bills are being paid or not - the mortgage is in both our names and our credit would take a big hit, something we both have work years to bring up and maintain. So she will maintain the household until bills get paid off.

And obviously the other reason is what I stated in my first post - to work on myself and who I used to be before I met my wife. That said, I'm looking to file for divorce myself, and will be looking into a realtor to show her that I'm one to not be taken for granted. I will find myself again. *I will get my life back.*


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Was her affair EA or PA? Are you wanting to make her realize your intention's or just D and move on?

Either way put the house up for sale or if you can remove your name from the mortgage.


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## AlterEgoist (Mar 6, 2012)

EA.

Well we did talk divorce recently and the idea was to split everything 50/50. We don't have that much equity in the condo, and we have no kids. 

The original intent for her was that she was going to be the one to initiate everything, from filing for divorce, getting a mediator, and finding a realtor to sell the condo. But it's been two months, she's procrastinating as usual, and nothing's been done. So if that's what she wants, then I'll do it my ****ing self.

I talked to my father for a bit last night, and went over financial options. I then decided that if we were to D, then the only option would be for us to sell the condo, get my share of the equity, live in a nice apartment, and then save up for the house I've always wanted. She wants to fix up the condo, then try to sell, but I don't want to wait that long if the final/only option is D.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Is she "screwing" other men now that you're out of the house?

Her wanting to fix the house is her just wasting time for her to find better options then you.

Start being firm and agressive with your timeline. Push her to make a decision fast, whether she is in or not.


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## AlterEgoist (Mar 6, 2012)

keko said:


> Is she "screwing" other men now that you're out of the house?
> 
> Her wanting to fix the house is her just wasting time for her to find better options then you.
> 
> Start being firm and agressive with your timeline. Push her to make a decision fast, whether she is in or not.


She says no, and I've found no evidence whatsoever that would say otherwise. I do drop in randomly from time to time when she's at work to make sure of that by checking laundry and trash and other things, but I just have this suspicious feeling that I just can't shake. It could just be mistrust and paranoia setting in.

As far as the divorce process goes - here it's a minimum 60-day waiting period from when the divorce petition is filed to the fateful day in court. I'd figure it would take 3-4 months. But yeah, I'd want the condo sold before the divorce is final.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Do you need her permission to put the house up for sale?

Seperating assets before D makes it sooo much easier.


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## AlterEgoist (Mar 6, 2012)

From a legal standpoint? Probably yes. But this is all what she wants. So she's going to get it, but only my way. Far too long I've done things her way.

You're probably right about the assets - but hey, the condo and a timeshare that's already paid off is really the only thing we have together.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Do you have any interest in her changing for R or is she a lost cause to you?


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## AlterEgoist (Mar 6, 2012)

My interest is there, but it looks like it may start to fade. I get better sleep now than I did a month ago, for one... I guess there are some days where I'm like **** it, I'm through. 

Some of my thoughts;
"I look forward to my Vegas trip in July"
"When does football start?"
"I wonder how nice of an apartment can I have, and how do I deal with traffic?"

There are others where I wonder stuff like (which is all true, BTW):

"Why is she telling me that I look good?"
"Why does she attempt to hold my hand when we're at Home Depot looking for stuff to fix the house?"
"Why hasn't she filed yet?"
"WTF is she thinking about?"


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

AlterEgoist said:


> My interest is there, but it looks like it may start to fade.


Wouldn't you agree that's because you're living seperately? Or what she done to you?


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## AlterEgoist (Mar 6, 2012)

I'd say it's both. I kinda told myself that if nothing happens by the Vegas trip (the waiting period will probably not have elapsed yet), then I'm done waiting for her to get her crap together and to stop trying to salvage this marriage and I am checking out. I'm ready to do my part in saving it, but if she's not going to be ready before divorce is final, then why even continue? I talked to friends about this. My male friends just shrugged, the female friend tells me that 2 months might be too soon to give up.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

You need to stop letting her make all the decisions and giving her the control and start being proactive. She doesn't respect you because you appear passive and weak. You can't love someone you don't respect.

Take the advice given and play hardball. Don't go back to the house unless its to kick her out, no more dinner dates or whatever. You need to cut ties with her and shut her out. Stop focusing on her and focus on you. There's millions of other women out there that are willing to take her place, she is not the only game in town and she needs to know that. Let her know you are no longer interested in saving the marriage and leave the ball in her court. 

Once you are out of the picture she may start to miss you and rethink R. That or you'll stop caring. Either way its win-win.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

AlterEgoist said:


> My male friends just shrugged, the female friend tells me that 2 months might be too soon to give up.


Yep that's what I was trying to get at. If the affair/damage wasn't to deep I always advise R. But knowing both sexes are wired differently it makes it much more compilicated to find the middle point.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

You're the backup plan, that's why she's stalling. If things don't work out with the OM, she'll come back apologizing that she was wrong and you're the only one she loves.

It's the basic cheaters spiel. Play all the odds just in case.

To get a cheater off the fence (like your wife is) you're gonna have to kick her off with a very big boot.

From what I've seen, the BSs that were willing to reconcile and have worked out got the big bats out and smacked the WS across the head and gave them a choice. There was no, give me some time to think it over.

Sometimes they do leave but you've already lost anyways so in the end you didn't really lose anything. Can't lose what you don't have anymore.


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## AlterEgoist (Mar 6, 2012)

I went by my condo yesterday before she got home and did my usual checks. Saw and found nothing unusual except for one thing: I had a book laying around in the bedroom called "The Emotional Affair: How to Recognize Emotional Infidelity and What to Do About It." It's an ok book. Back to the matter at hand: the book was no longer there, along with some other women magazines that she usually takes to work. I checked the trash and everywhere else - I guess she's reading it.

As for myself, I picked up "Divorce Busters" yesterday and read a good amount last night. Great stuff in it. However, I think this will be the final book I read about divorce.

Today, I'm not doing so well. I was doing fine this morning, then my thoughts wandered to what she has done to me on D-Day, in terms of my life. Took a lot away from me. My trust in her, my life, my confidence, and partly, my well being. I have my well-being back, but everything else is still in shambles. My confidence is coming back, but it's nowhere near the level I had it at the beginning of the year.


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