# In two minds



## Nicola12 (Apr 1, 2013)

Argh. I've been reading lots of posts and just feel that I can relate to many...

I honestly cannot work out if I should leave or not. I have written myself a note dated last week stating if the issues I wrote down haven't resolved in 6 months, then I will leave. I feel much calmer.

I've been married for 18 years, together for 21, since we were 20. Youngies. We have 3 kids 10 and under.

I've realised over the last year or so that it is an emotionally abusive relationship. When I began to read about this and my part in it, I started standing up to him and he really started changing. For the first time in our relationship he started to own this stuff. I also stopped acting like a doormat. Finally.

The problem is that although he has changed significantly, there are like two parts to him. The wonderous part (the part that has actually stopped putting me down in public, criticising, etc etc) yet I still feel really uneasy. In finding this site, I also came across the concept of Ambient Abuse (gaslighting) and we seem to fit this. It's like everything looks good but there are undercurrents of manipulation that you can't put your finger on. Very unpredictable. 

I'm trying really hard to understand what 'my' part in allowing this to happen so I can stop it. I feel determined and resolved. However, I also feel as though my love for him has 'broken' somehow with this understanding of how he could actually think its okay to treat me like this (and I'm noticing this for his reactions to the kids too). 

This week in the height of stress I said that there are just certain topics I am not allowed to bring up without experiencing a bout of anger from him. I get these two experiences of him. He said he would hear me out on them but couldn't imagine I was experiencing two sides of him. (The more I become aware of this the more I notice his tone of voice, sneering, putting up his hand in my face to stop me from talking (I am quite timid and don't rave on LOL!). When I told him about up the hand in my face thing he calmly apologised and said he would try not to do it. Fantastic. Except, I don't trust him anymore. What if it doesn't last. 

I think I'll stick to my 6 month thing.

I've been a SAHM most of the time. I luckily have a bit of a career (in the creative arts) where I am moderately successful. Although it pays very very little, it has allowed me to keep some confidence as I get positive feedback from people outside the home and I think it is this that has finally helped me bite the bullet. Also H is not creative at all and therefore cannot tell me I am not good at my art. I think this is a source of pain for him as everytime I win an award or have a public showcase, he somehow sabotages it.

He is very successful in his work and I don't think he likes me having success either. It's like he wants a little woman at home although he vermently denies it.

I'm torn b/c I cannot imagine another 20 years like this. Yet, we are fond of each other. He's great at his job, pretty good with the kids and helping around the house. In fact, he 'looks' like a real winner to all and I should be so lucky. It's just the lonely part of having to deal with someone who sabotages me, my confidence, everything is my fault (NEVER admits fault until a few days ago), obsessed with screens and technoplogy and frightens me in the car when I ask him to slow down (it's like it's deliberate but I can never pin him down) + many other small and seemingly insignificant things. It makes me feel invisable. All. the. time.

I am afraid of the future without him but if there is no hope in 6 months I think I better go. My Mother is BPD and I am surprised by how much s*** I've put up with both from her and H. 

I'm tired, worn out. Just like many of you on this post.

Just needed to vent. Thanks for reading.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

*hugs* Nicola!

I hope you look into some Individualized Counseling for yourself NOW.

Not gonna tell you to stay, not gonna tell you to leave.

Gonna tell you that YOU NEED an objective 3rd party to listen to SPECIFIC details and help you come to grips with what is REALLY going on in your home. If you can't have PEACE there....where the hell can you?

*HUGS*
SGW


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## All of a sudden (Jan 24, 2013)

Im in the same boat. Up until 7 years ago it was physical too( we were drinking a lot which contributed to it). Although in the last few weeks he has punched the pillow next to my head as hard as he could and a few other things are starting up. I caught him cheating, and have since learned with diff people on diff occasions. But back to mental. He works now, we stopped our antique business for him to start his plumbing business. We agreed id be a sahm sincd we have 4 kids. I can never do anything right. The house is never clean enough, dinner is never right, i fold his clothes wrong ect stupid stuff. He always tells me im crazy, he uses his anger and comes at me like hes going to do something. He is always belittling me. 

After his affairs he wants me to chase him to prove i love him. Not one friend will come over anymore, i rarely leave the house. He has truly broken me. I have a retainer with an attorney, shes been holding for months now, from the affairs. He threatens he'll take kids from me, even though im with them 90% of the time.

I could sit here all day with examples but its really hard to explain for some reason.

My advice to you is not to wait 6 months. You seem to still have your self confidence and your art. He will take all that away and your soul too. Im broken from all this, get out while you can, he will destroy you!


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## Nicola12 (Apr 1, 2013)

Thanks SGW for your words. I was in IC until we began our MC and so I know the the C knows what I think is going on and I saw her individually recently to update. She is trying to push me (I think) to coming to all the conclusions myself... it's hard when I am clouded and H is being excellent right now...

And All Of A Sudden... your situation sounds desperate and I am worried about your emotional and physical saftey. If my H did half of what your H did, I would be out of there. For some reason I am waiting for something concrete... I know its very very hard with kids and SAHM... but please get some help... perhaps you could post on the coping with infedelity board... although I'm not in that boat I have learnt a lot from reading their posts... and gained some confidence there too...

In the meantime, I would like to tell me H the deal breakers for me and try and try and get to the bottom of this horrible mess. I can't work on my art b/c I am so ripped up. This is not good as I have a few things due to be completed in amongst the primary caring of the kids. Sigh.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I think making a list and setting a time limit is very reasonable and smart. I think six months is plenty of time for you to be able to see whether his changes are really going to stick. I hope they do, I would love to read about a successful turnaround. If not, dont fear your future without him, you will be amazed at what you can do. 


@All of a Sudden...please get yourself out soon. Use the stories here on this forum to help you find the courage to get help to get out, and use that attorney!


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

How does he sabotage you? 
He sounds passive aggressive.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

All of a sudden; he can't take your kids away. Don't listen to a word he says about anything legal. He's not a lawyer.


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## Nicola12 (Apr 1, 2013)

OMG. After 21 years together, we split up last night. I am in shock. 

But first to the questions above: Diwali123 - yes I think passive-aggressive might be a good way to describe him. I call it Jeckyll and Hyde. Tonight being a really good example which I'll outline below.

Man, I can't believe how much pain I feel - for me, for the kids. I was really hoping my 40's would be 'quieter' and more solid than my 30's which I feel that I spent raising tiny kids(incl twins) and moving countries x 3. I've also moved house 12 times in the last 18 years and I'm tired. We are building a house together which is meant to be my last move (at least in my mind). I just want a place where I can set up home and grow some roots. H is a restless sort.

he is a great guy as I described above but I have been a doormat trying to please him and as I come out of my shell, the problems accentuate. 

Last night, after talking about what the future (ie. retirement) looked like, we decided to call it quits (very amicably) and just try and do the best we can by our kids and the way we raise them together. it was sad yet peaceful. Unfortunately, b/c our house build is not due to finish for another 6 months and we are living across town, there is no easy solution to who moves where. I'm really hoping somehow to keep the house when it is done as it's in the area where we want the kids to grow up and have an already established community of people. 

So today we had the kids for half a day each and during the day I felt sick with sadness but also noticed how kind we were being with each other and b/c there are a lot of good things in our relationship, I guess I started to hope that perhaps we didn't have to go through with this huge thing. I cannot imagine telling my family. My Mom has absolutely no idea about our issues. I have kept them quite private for 18 years. She thinks H is fabulous and I'm going to have to describe him as emotionally abusive for her to understand. But he is still the father of my kids.

So tonight we talked and against ALL my best self-talk efforts, I started saying how I felt hope and outlined some good and creative possibilities for working through things. In the end, he really just said that this was it and he didn't feel hopeful. 

I feel so angry now though b/c he made it look like me being needy. I feel I gave him the power back. He twisted my words around, and accused me of not being able to give him what he needs (true at the moment as I work through my boundries outlined in the first post). I've just had a huge cry (my first of many I suspect) and I think I am GLAD this happened as it reminds me of what I live with and have been in two minds about. I think I need to be done. 

Now how does one actually wrench oneself away? 2 years ago, there would be no way on earth I'd be able to extract myself. I think I've grown so that I can see that I actually NEED to extract myself even though I don't want to. 

Diwali123, you asked how does he sabotage? Well, it's hard to pin down but the feeling is that in regard to my arts practice, he will say he is supportive but then be sick on the night, or have a headache or for my launch a year or two back, he picked a fight with me AT the launch about how I disagreed with him about how the stock should be presented. I mean, who cares. I think his need to be right to always win overshadows the good things. 

He sabotages me at home by asking things of me and then shifting the goal posts. It used to be 'you need to be more independent'... then when I did this it became 'you are not this or you should be that' etc.

Luckily this year I got a 12 month half time job. I have a small income until December and there is a small possibility it could be extended. But I'll have very little to live off. And he is a good earner and we've lived comfortably and I feel crap now that I have sacrificed so much for his career. I've been too soft and it's time to harden up. I think I deserve better.

It's funny, I can see what I am writing and have seen that other people have written similar things and thought to myself that they would be better off without their partner. On this end of the keyboard, its very different.

So, please please please help me with answers/questions:

Please remember that until October, we are probably going to have to share a room (he will sleep on the floor) as logistically, both our lives will be a nightmare until we or I can either move into our new house or we can sell it.

1) How should I act? I've read something about 180. Not sure exactly what it is but does this apply?

2) After tonight, I can see I am my own worst enemy. I wasn't begging but I felt like I could have. So disappointed in myself. It's the stockhom syndrome. I just wanted him to hold me even though he's caused me so much pain. Why the hell do I want him? How do I deal with myself here. I will probably stop the MC and change it for IC as my first thought.

3) I am really going to miss my kids when they go to him. I feel so so so sad about them. They are all great kids and I am so proud of them growing up. I think I am a good Mom. How do I best look after them in amongst this horror?

4) My Mom is a pain in the ***. I love her, she loves me but I often feel as though she doesn't see me as a real person. I am close to my Dad but they although they are together there issues are similar to mine and H but I think my Mom is passive-aggressive. She is loving but I've never 'needed' her and I don't know how to need her now but I feel too exhausted to hold it together with her. Luckily they are OS now for another month. 

4) That's probably enough for now. I need to recharge the computer battery and my own. Only got 90 minutes sleep last night.

I am pleased that I did exercise today and put on nail polish (not usual for me). I would normally start to comfort eat, but having lost weight last year and looking pretty good now, I just want to look fab! I guess that is something different to normal.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

You say he's a great guy but he's not. 
He might be a great guy sometimes. But being it just sometimes means overall, no. He's not a great guy. 
He chooses when he wants to be great. He chooses when he wants to support you. 

My ex was much like this. Still is but I avoid contact with him as much as possible. 

Chances are your mother has seen glimpses of what is going on. I hope that she can understand and support you. You might find out that she's been wary of him. 

What kind of art do you do? If your h is a narcissist, which it sounds like he is, he can't stand anyone else succeeding or being in the spotlight. He doesn't want you to feel good about yourself because he doesn't feel good about himself. He doesn't want to feel like you think you are better than him.

I'm sorry.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Please remember that until October, we are probably going to have to share a room (he will sleep on the floor) as logistically, both our lives will be a nightmare until we or I can either move into our new house or we can sell it. You don't HAVE TO share a bedroom through October; think outside the box! Your kids are under 10yo. 
If you have 3 boys: 2 share a room, 3rd shares a room w/dad. Or get a bunkbed and put all 3 kids in one room; mom & dad split now-empty bedroom & master bedroom.
If you have 3 girls: 2 share a room, 3rd shares a room w/mom. Or get a bunkbed and put all 3 kids in one room; mom & dad split now-empty bedroom & master bedroom.

If you have 2 boys, 1 girl: boys share a room, mom bunks with girl.
If you have 2 girls, 1 boy: girls share a room, dad bunks with boy.
It is ONLY until October. No-one should be sleeping ON THE FLOOR. You two need to make a clean break of it. If you're unwilling to do the above, is there a room in the basement that one of you could use to sleep in?
1) How should I act? I've read something about 180. Not sure exactly what it is but does this apply? The 180 prepares you EMOTIONALLY to live without your spouse by becoming more independent in action AND more independent EMOTIONALLY (don't need their validation, don't need them to tell you what to do, look to yourself for answers, etc.) Someone else can UNDOUBTEDLY point you to where to find the 180 here at TAM (you can ask KathyBatesel...go to the top of this page, look for the word "Community" on the light blue horizontal bar, everyone on TAM is listed there alphabetically.) 

2) After tonight, I can see I am my own worst enemy. I wasn't begging but I felt like I could have. So disappointed in myself. It's the stockhom syndrome. I just wanted him to hold me even though he's caused me so much pain. Why the hell do I want him? How do I deal with myself here. I will probably stop the MC and change it for IC as my first thought. Do some reading ON YOUR OWN. #1. Codependent No More by Melody Beattie - use it like a WORKBOOK and answer EVERY question at the end of every chapter. You will be amazed at what you learn about yourself and WHY you act like you do. #2. Who's Pulling Your Strings by Harriet Braiker - teaches you HOW to SPOT manipulation AND, more importantly, HOW to STOP succumbing to it.

3) I am really going to miss my kids when they go to him. I feel so so so sad about them. They are all great kids and I am so proud of them growing up. I think I am a good Mom. How do I best look after them in amongst this horror? Keep on being a "good Mom". Lots of kids go through divorce. If *YOU* act like it's the END OF THE WORLD, then they'll BELIEVE it's the end of the world. Make sure counseling is available to any of them that seem to need it!

4) My Mom is a pain in the ***. I love her, she loves me but I often feel as though she doesn't see me as a real person. I am close to my Dad but they although they are together there issues are similar to mine and H but I think my Mom is passive-aggressive. She is loving but I've never 'needed' her and I don't know how to need her now but I feel too exhausted to hold it together with her. Luckily they are OS now for another month. The Codependent No More book will help you understand your dynamic with your mother.

4) That's probably enough for now. I need to recharge the computer battery and my own. Only got 90 minutes sleep last night.

I am pleased that I did exercise today and put on nail polish (not usual for me). I would normally start to comfort eat, but having lost weight last year and looking pretty good now, I just want to look fab! I guess that is something different to normal.

Keep up the GOOD nutrition and the EXERCISE. YOU need to be healthy for yourself so you can take care of your kids! If you're unhealthy, you're not going to be any use to the kids!

Start NOW on figuring out an exit plan. Start working on a budget.

How much will it cost you & the kids for housing, food, clothing, cars, gas, insurance, utilities, etc. Look through your checkbook(s) and your credit card statement(s) FOR THE LAST 12 MONTHS. This should INSURE that you don't forget to plan for each possible expense. (like insurance which is 1x/year)
Find out how much child support your H will be mandated to pay by law.
Start looking around and GET TRAINING IF NEEDED so YOU can get a better-paying job in January 2014 when your current half-time job ENDS. As a single mother, YOU cannot AFFORD to have a part-time job you LOVE...you need a full-time job!
Start NOW getting copies of things you need (H's SSN if you're American, past tax filings, his bank acct #s, etc.) Stuff that your attorney may need and that he may be a lot less willing to be forthcoming about if things become acrimonious!
Find out what your rights are as a divorced parent. Most attorneys have a FREE or low-cost consultation. Make a list of questions you NEED answered BEFORE you go.
How much (approx.) will it cost?
How long (approx.) will it take?
How will visitation be decided?
What is the formual for child support?
Are there govm't-mandated classes for divorcing parents?
Can we change our wills before the divorce?
Can we name other beneficiaries for insurance policies (like the kids)?
What about the 2 houses? Legal ramifications?
Think about things like this and write them down so you have them available to ask DURING your attorney meeting.
Let both families know that you two are splitting up. Keep the visitation schedule with grandparents, aunts/uncles as much the same as possible (even if only H takes the kids to HIS parents, and YOU to YOURS.)
Start on the budget NOW, so you won't feel pressured to make a settlement with a figurative gun-to-your-head at the last minute!

Start on the books NOW so you have a BETTER understanding of WHAT you need to address in FIX in yourself for your future and for your future relationships.

Good luck, and keep coming to TAM for good advice.

PS: I'd advise you to continue adding onto THIS thread. Otherwise, it is difficult for people to keep your entire story straight chronologically and give advice that is on-point for your entire situation!


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

You should make a point of letting the husband in on the time and place of your husband's upcoming date with his wife. Include the screenshots of their email exchange. That right there is most likely the biggest reason for your husband's feelings of hopelessness for your relationship!


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## Nicola12 (Apr 1, 2013)

Thanks for your comments. SWG - yes, I will stick to this thread. I popped a notice on my other thread that I will be using this thread only. Thanks for the tip.

Lots to digest. I never thought the feeling of actual separation could be so painful. I've been very 'professional' in my conversations in the hope of maintaining my own self respect but also to show him that I will be okay (I am not sure this will be the case). 

I've been very clear to him that although ending he relationship is not my preferred option, I will respect his decision. 

With all the subtle and not so subtle quips and difficulties we have had, I am relieved in some way. Terribly frightened of the future. I really think that if the relationship is going to recover I have to accept that we need this space. That he may or may not miss me. That he needs a chance to miss me and I need a chance to have some space. 

I know I'm sounding all philosophical but I think this is my way of dealing with the immense physical and emotional pain.

I'll look at those books mentioned too and write more tomorrow.


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## LRgirl (Apr 9, 2013)

Hi Nicola

Did you confront your H over the business trip dinner date with out of town lady.......was this the final straw?

You were posting on the other board - what's changed over night?

Hope you are ok?


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

It isn't that the both of you need space to assess the state of the relationship, it's that he wants the space to pursue another married woman, and you can be plan b, taking care of the home front, if it falls through.


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## Nicola12 (Apr 1, 2013)

Actually, I did talk to him about the OW and our split has nothing to do with this... it's a coincidence. That I am sure. What changed overnight was that we had started talking about 'what retirement would look like' over the last week or so. I really struggle with being around him on weekends (due to this subtle verbal abuse that I can't put my finger on) and the thought of retirement was freaking me out. One long weekend! So I brought this up. It was a strange conversation which of course led to nice thoughts about retirement and what we would like it to be but then looking at the reality of the our communication issues and knowing we have to be working really hard NOW. Problem is that we've been working really hard for YEARS - both of us. And we are tired, don't want to hate each other adn really love our three boys. We had a very quiet conversation about splitting up and I was in full agreeance that we just can't think of any other options.

The next problem was that we agreed to split up but then the next day b/c we were being so nice to each other it made me feel so terribly sad. This is SO painful. I have literal shots of pain running down m arms. 21 years is a long time to be connected. I would like to R but I don't think he does. I am making a point of not begging, pleading, crying and being unreasonable when all I want to do is rant. I said I would prefer to work this out (including all those issue that I have) but I will not try and convince him. I am trying to be 'professional' about this so he can see I will make the best out of this.

I am horribly terrified about money and living. My 12 month part-time job is as a university lecturer. Its challenging but good and I hope it will get renewed next year but I'll have to do a good job and I need a bit of luck about funding and political climate as to whether the job will be on offer. I also earn a small amount from commissions for my creative work (sorry don't want to say what it is here - such as small world).

Tonight we are going to discuss what will happen when we move back to our side of town when the house is finished. Who will have kids and when, how to split stuff (we got married so young we both had nothing when we started), what to do with the house. 

It's making it feel real. Very painful and I'm still in shock and reeling. I am not worried about these conversations. I have however, spent more than half my life with this ma. I am noticing that as I distance myself, he is becoming impressed and kind and very reasonable. It's hard to be like this but I must for my own long-term sake and for the kids. Sigh.


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## LRgirl (Apr 9, 2013)

Nicola12 said:


> Actually, I did talk to him about the OW and our split has nothing to do with this... it's a coincidence. That I am sure. What changed overnight was that we had started talking about 'what retirement would look like' over the last week or so. I really struggle with being around him on weekends (due to this subtle verbal abuse that I can't put my finger on) and the thought of retirement was freaking me out. One long weekend! So I brought this up. It was a strange conversation which of course led to nice thoughts about retirement and what we would like it to be but then looking at the reality of the our communication issues and knowing we have to be working really hard NOW. Problem is that we've been working really hard for YEARS - both of us. And we are tired, don't want to hate each other adn really love our three boys. We had a very quiet conversation about splitting up and I was in full agreeance that we just can't think of any other options.
> 
> The next problem was that we agreed to split up but then the next day b/c we were being so nice to each other it made me feel so terribly sad. This is SO painful. I have literal shots of pain running down m arms. 21 years is a long time to be connected. I would like to R but I don't think he does. I am making a point of not begging, pleading, crying and being unreasonable when all I want to do is rant. I said I would prefer to work this out (including all those issue that I have) but I will not try and convince him. I am trying to be 'professional' about this so he can see I will make the best out of this.
> 
> ...


Nicola,

Be strong and try to look happy in front of your H about the decision you have both made to separate. Let him see you strong and brave and moving forward with your own plans...... because that is very attractive! He will be surprised, he will most likely expect you to be sad and down and dreary around the place.........do not go down this path!!!!

This is _your_ time now, first you need to stand tall and make some personal changes.

Just in your demeanor, the vibes you give off.....your inner strength.....you have 3 sons, you would fight for, you would kill for and you would die for, you are a mother so you naturally have this fight within you.

Buy a new top, get your hair done, change your lipstick....and be confident, even if your confidence is 'put on' he will find this new you very attractive.

You could have this guy eating out of your hand with just a few changes.

let us know?


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Also, go consult a lawyer or three. Get an idea of what you and your kids can expect in the future.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

I think the 180 folks mention comes from DivorceBusting.com and a book similarly named by Michelle Weiner-Davis.

I know what you mean about keyboard sides.

You should see a lawyer for a (free?) initial consultation tomorrow. My friend found one pretty easy around here. You don't need to commit to get some limited advice. Settlement predictions, for child support at least, are probably easy to do for those in that line of law. Some states have websites you can guesstimate with yourself.

But, get legal and IC until you are convinced you know everything you need to know.

I had put myself on the six month plan you mentioned at the thread's beginning. And had felt similar relief. Not sure where mine is going.

Hang in there, and be kind to yourself.


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## Nicola12 (Apr 1, 2013)

Thanks so much for your advice...

I have been doing a good job with being strong and making an effort with my looks and mothering etc. I think he has noticed. However, all I want to do is ask him if he really thinks this is a good idea and let's give it another shot. SOOOO hard to not to do this. Just logging on tonight has helped my mindset again - thank you.

What I have mentioned to him is that although I think we need a 'rest/break' and think we should aim to get back together in the future, I will respect his wishes and not bother him with this. I do need to just look like I am getting on with it. 

The night we had our 'how do we split up/kids/finances conversation, we also had 2 x vomiting children (one had to go to ER at 3am) then days off work, no sleep from all this worry withe break up and then the 3rd child had high temps for 2 days. It was so surreal. We'd be talking quietly about all this horrible business and then have to jump up and deal with vomit and sickly kids. We were actually laughing it was so ridiculous.

I've also said to him that I think its important for the kids to grow up in the house we are building and that I'd like us to consider creative ways for me to keep the house (eg. perhaps live in it for 5 x years but then he not pay child support and then I try and buy him out)... give me some time to plan... he said he would be open to being creative.

Now that kids are nearly better and the horror of all this has settled somewhat (ha!), we will see a family finance lawyer who will suggest to us what a fair settlement might look like and we can go from there.

It's strange, although we have this horrible pain of separation, we've been very kind to each other and it's been nice. Sigh.

More later but please check in....


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

You need to go visit a lawyer before you agree to anything.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Make sure the family finance lawyer is in a very legal sense representing you. I do not, actually, think that is possible. The lawyer either represents you or the lawyer represents him, as I understand it. The lawyer cannot do both as far as I know.

IMHO you need your own lawyer, and that will be worth the cost.

The notion trading child support for free rent is somehow fair, well, I am very skeptical. I know for sure if my wife and I split, my child support to her would cover more than the mortgage, and our mortgage is a 15 not 30 year so the payments are unusually high.

You have no business making plans, let alone agreements, about these things without a competent lawyer hired by YOU.

Just my opinion.


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## Nicola12 (Apr 1, 2013)

Thank you for your comments especially about lawyers. I am looking into this.

In the meantime, an update: It's interesting, my H and I have now been split up for 10 days. It's been heartbreaking. However, being 'outside' the marriage after 21 years, has certainly given me a perspective I hadn't considered before. 

As I mentioned there has been a lot of care and good will b/w us. We had a huge talk last weekend about what we would like our marriage to look like if we were to try again. It was all about respect and care (with lots of specifics about other things). 

H rang me last night (he has been away for work) and we are going to give it a 2 month trial and see if we can make things work. I feel relieved at having the chance to try a new approach in way that provides us BOTH with being able to let go of the past. Having the 2 months is also excellent b/c there is a definite deadline to work with. If it is not working, we can both walk away agreeing that we have done everything we can. If it is working, we can give it another 2 months (which will take us up to moving into the house) and see how it goes. 

It also gives me/us more time to sort things out financially or at least think about them if the time comes.

I know we will both be on our best behavior for the 2 months which in some ways doesn't provide a realistic picture of the future, however, the good thing about the situation is that in behaving well, we can start to rebuild the trust and hopefully see the possibilities for the future. Wish me luck. I'll update...


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