# *NEW* Need Men Advice - listen, understand, and communication



## Miss J (Jan 12, 2011)

Hi, 

I'm new in this forum and I will like some advice male or female, preferably males. 

I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years but b/c we have been living together by common law, I guess we are considered silently married ( i dont know but whatever, relationship is a relationship married or not. It has come to the conclusion that neither of us feel heard. Each time I talk to him, he feels accused, judge, or ridiculed. 

There is infidelity and disrespect involved in my relationship when it comes other females in his life. I do understand that when he was married to his ex-wife he went through some traumatizing situations: emotionally, physically, mentally. I'm talking about putting him down, making go through many issues with the cops b/c of her, legal issues that he took up for her, name calling, accusations, ex-wife cheated, etc.... you name it for 13 years. There are times that I feel that the times he was unable to take it out on her, he will take it out on me. THIS DRIVES ME CRAZY!! b/c it's not my fault but at the same time i understand that he went through many situations with her. 

Anyway, there after he dated his last ex-GF (10 years older than he is) for another 10-11 years. which were good and he develop ways to get better but in that relationship. 

PROBLEM IS: that now we are in a relationship (I'm 10 years younger...LOL) and it seems that we are never on the same page when it comes to communication. 

I need some advice on how to be able to communicate with someone like him and let him understand how I feel about things when it comes to other women (female friends and or ex's). He loves to talk about his ex's when he compares me to them and I have asked him to stop. Another one is that I work during the day 8 hours. He does whatever needs to be dome in the house and taking care of our son. However, the part that gets me is that when I come home i want to spend time with him and my son (watch TV, movies, activity, whatever but something). Everything is ok up to this point, however I have let him know numerous times that when I get a feel or uncomfortability with someone of the opposite to take a step back from speaking with that person and give me respect when I am home instead of answering late calls at night (after 10ish pm). He states he does not care b/c we are not married. He always says. 

I need advice... :/ cuz i'm going nuts here on how to be able to communicate with him and get him to listen to me. He turns it around and says that I don't understand him or listen to him b/c there are times he will need to repeat himself.

PLEASE, don't be afraid of saying it like it. It is what it is.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Sounds like to me he has baggage that has dragged into the relationship with him. All of us carry baggage, but most of us find a way to leave it at the door. Compare you to others... borderline RED FLAG. Taking phone calls late and using the "not married" exscuse. Also, borderlilne RED FLAG.

Talk to him like you just did to us. Establish boundaries of the relationship. It also looks like he is being a little disrespectful when he talks to you, which is a straight up RED FLAG. He needs to be mature and start to handle your relationship like an adult. If he doesn't seem able to meet you halfway on this, you may have to consider leaving him, or atleast put the idea into his head so he can get his act together.


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## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

I have to agree with Rob. However, take note of how you talk to him. Men hate conflict, so accusing one of doing things wrong might make him fight back. Depending on the type of problem and what kind of person your husband is, you might have to take what I call an emotional or factual approach. This means always giving the reason behind your request. Instead of saying that you don't lik him talking to a specific woman, you might want to try and say: I would rather you not phone her, as it just makes me feel/as it is (x) and this causes . 

Ofcourse, ignore this if you've already tried this and I am a bit young, and if my advice is naive, please tell me so. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Miss J (Jan 12, 2011)

Sounds like to me he has baggage that has dragged into the relationship with him. All of us carry baggage, but most of us find a way to leave it at the door. Compare you to others... borderline RED FLAG. Taking phone calls late and using the "not married" exscuse. Also, borderlilne RED FLAG.

Talk to him like you just did to us. Establish boundaries of the relationship. It also looks like he is being a little disrespectful when he talks to you, which is a straight up RED FLAG. He needs to be mature and start to handle your relationship like an adult. If he doesn't seem able to meet you halfway on this, you may have to consider leaving him, or atleast put the idea into his head so he can get his act together.[/QUOTE]


Replying to ROB774

He does have a lot of baggage. I have found that he is a person that cannot say NO so he lets things linger. Till this day, he is still not dealing with issues from his past and closed some doors. According to him he is going to that this year. 

However, I am having a hard time asking him any type of question that will not make him feel accused, ridiculed, or judged, as well as setting boundaries. He has been through so many things with his ex-wife that many things that I may do unintentionally is a flashback for him and he becomes defensive. I am also having trouble setting boundaries at this time b/c I never really set boundaries at the beginning of the relationship. I have talked to others and they have told me that if i give the candy to the kid i can't then take back b/c the kid will cry or have a tantrum. meaning that if he ask me for permission for something and i accepted it in the beginning that i can't later on take it away. So what are ways in which I set up boundaries and what ways can i build an intellectual attraction to him where he won't be so defensive when I want to take something I said or accept in the past and then I don't want it anymore. I don't know.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I think you made a mistake in moving in with him. 

Why? Because he is not committed to you to the level you believe you are committed to him.

Why is this?

Because he is still acting out the aftermath of his earlier relationships. And it seems those relationships are not as "former" as you want them to be.

And he's clearly stated that the two of you are not married so he doesn't feel like he owes you any obligation of faithfulness, let alone respect.

If I were you I'd reassess why I were with him.

BTW, you've made a bad assumption regarding your living with him constituting a common law marriage. Arizona does not recognize common law marriages.

Go here for details:

Arizona Marriage


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## Miss J (Jan 12, 2011)

Replying to DRAGUNA

I do have my ways that I talk to him. He does state that he feels attacked or interrogated when I ask questions. He says I ask him questions that make him feel that I am accusing him about something he did when he did not do it. As far as making calls to other women, he doesn't do that but he accepts their calls at times and that is when I informed him that I felt uncomfortable with the relationship he had with his female friend. 

Give me an example of an emotional or factual approach if I would like to set boundaries in the relationship. 

I don't know if culture or race will help but I'm Dominican from NY and he Black from Philly. There is some culture difference and there are times we bump heads.


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## Miss J (Jan 12, 2011)

REPLYING TO MICHZZ

I believe you are correct on that one. The way we came about was really an unusual way. We were still friends when he moved in with me. He had broken up with his last ex and needed a place to say. I was one of his close friends that he was able to contact at the last minute and was able to help him with a place to stay at the time. 

I will admit I made some mistakes that might've let to him to be some what committed to the relationship but for some reason I just began to lose faith in him and thats when the questions after questions began. I would say that in the beginning of the relationship he was romantic, did things for me, breakfast in bed, wanted to learn about me, etc. He was interested. But my mistake was I started to check his phone and stuff trying to get to know him and who I really accepted in my apt. 

When we got together everything was going well until he lost his 2 jobs and a side job he had that was not bringing him any money and I became pregnant of our son. This is when everything began to go noticebly downhill. 

Right now, he is Mr. Mom while I still continue to have my job. He does not know who he is anymore except that he is now who he was when he was with ex-wife. Which is the person he is trying to change. So this is some of the reason's why i'm having difficulty in some areas and being able to deal with some of the issues.


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## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

Miss J said:


> Replying to DRAGUNA
> 
> I do have my ways that I talk to him. He does state that he feels attacked or interrogated when I ask questions. He says I ask him questions that make him feel that I am accusing him about something he did when he did not do it. As far as making calls to other women, he doesn't do that but he accepts their calls at times and that is when I informed him that I felt uncomfortable with the relationship he had with his female friend.
> 
> ...


Well, this is a bit of generalisation for both sides, but hope you understand my point.

Hmm, well, like I said, it doesn't work on everyone. Me being a nice guy, I have a few friends and girls who talk to me about their problems. I've always been somewone who looks at both sides and somewhat understand women (grew up with basically my mom and 3 sisters, no men). That's why I've been able to explain to quite a few of my male friends how a woman might look at a situation (blowing their minds in the process). Men expect women to only nag or have ulterior motives, while most of the time, there is a deeper rooted reason, but we as men don't see.

So what I meant with my last replay, is that most men don't get hints. Also, they avoid conflict like the plague. We are just hardwired this way. So a woman telling a man that he never does any chores will actually drive him away/make him shut down.

It seems better when talking to some or most men to say it like this: 
"Honey, I've had it really hard with juggling work and the kids and making dinner every night. Could you just help me with the dishes now?" etc.
Men will argue their counter point with logic, saying for example that he is also tired. 
Try to respond with points that he cannot refute (which may be any feeling you might have about it as well and why). If he is a reasonable person he will understand.

Now, if he is not reasonable, then it will take more time or just not work. He seems to be set in his ways which makes it harder.

After reading your second post though, I believe michzz is right. Think about how it got there and if it will be worth the trouble.


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## Miss J (Jan 12, 2011)

Replying to Draguna
I do understand your point. You are right about what you said. Thanks for explaining. Just wanted to make sure that I was thinking the right thing. He is a reasonable person and I do think it the relationship is worth. Right now, it is quite iffy in all areas of a relationship mainly our communication. We are now sort of giving each other some space or a break if you want to call it that. 

Question: I wanted this break to happen to give each other time to think, regroup, etc. However, he continues to tell everyone that we are still together. Does this mean that he feels things can get better or we are able to get back together? Or Is he just not over the fact that I have broken up with him at this time? 

My goal is to be able to have an actual relationship this time.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

If you are not married and he does not treat you 100% great and does not show you the qualities that would make him a great husband to you, then you should move on and find someone great.


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## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

Miss J said:


> Replying to Draguna
> I do understand your point. You are right about what you said. Thanks for explaining. Just wanted to make sure that I was thinking the right thing. He is a reasonable person and I do think it the relationship is worth. Right now, it is quite iffy in all areas of a relationship mainly our communication. We are now sort of giving each other some space or a break if you want to call it that.
> 
> Question: I wanted this break to happen to give each other time to think, regroup, etc. However, he continues to tell everyone that we are still together. Does this mean that he feels things can get better or we are able to get back together? Or Is he just not over the fact that I have broken up with him at this time?
> ...


He is just not over/embarassed to tell. I would feel the same as well if my wife asked to split up and it was because of my behaviour. As long as he doesn't change you should not come back together, as you will just feel miserable. Don't forget to talk this through. Might help you decide if you even want to go back to him.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

He is not ready to be in a committed relationship. He has let you know by telling you he doesn't care what you think, say or feel. He will not listen to you, he has told you that much.

He maybe emotionally numb, and refuses to let another woman in.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

If I were you I would be checking into the idea of kicking him out and getting child support payments from him.

He is not in love with you and not married to you and not very productive a person.

Why do you stay with him anyway?


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## Miss J (Jan 12, 2011)

Replying to 4SURE:

You are right at this time. He is not ready for a committed relationship. I agree with the fact that he is emtionally numb. He went through a lot with his ex-wife and last ex-GF. Having a relationship is not his main focus at this time. His main focus is to get a full time job. When he lost his job everything began to go downhill. 

Which brings me to (Replying to HICKS) 
I know that we are not married. However, at the beginning of our relationship he was bringing out those qualities that he has and other. The main issue will come in when I begn to accuse of things that apparently now I know he was not doing and so I started going through his stuff which pissed him off. He was really good to me for just about the whole year and when he saw that I started questioning other people in his family about what he tells me. He began to notice a trust issue, i guess. Not to say that everything he told me i woul dgo run to hs family and ask but there are some things that I was not used to seeing in a man that I questioned if it is a behavior or is it just something that he is doing now. If it is a behavior then it is a habit. There are things that I'm still trying to figure out and things that I need to accept such as his habits. I have tried to change them and now he believes that I am trying to change him. :/

REPLYING TO MICHZZ
At this time, until he finds a job. He takes care of the house hold and our son.


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