# i really need help



## edema (Oct 22, 2012)

about 8 years ago i had a brief affair with a coworker. i have been married for 32 years and we had 3 kids now 7 grandkids. my husband started ignoring me and refusing sex. he was having kidneystones and diabetes and he was not talking to me and staying in another bedroom. i gave n to the advances of a spanish man and now i feel guilt. i confessed it to God and i know he forgives me. my husband and i are getting real close and i love this i just wonder if i have to tell him about my affair


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Do you HAVE to tell him? No.

Will not telling him eat at you and affect the marriage? Maybe. If so, you may as well get it on the table now.

Will telling him derail any chance of the progress you have made? If so, I suggest you not tell him.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Even though you confessed it to God and he has forgiven you, this is obviously something you are not forgiving yourself for otherwise you wouldn't be feeling guilty or coming here to ask for our opinions. So I say -- the truth will set you free! And your husband has a right to know what happened. 

However, you need to own this affair 100%! Just because he started to ignore you, had health problems and withheld sex doesn't mean that gives you liscense to cheat. If there were problems in your marriage before the affair then both of you need to own that 50%. But the affair? No. That's all on you. I'm not saying this to make you feel worse than you already do but a betrayed spouse needs to know they are not the cause of the affair. You need to reassure him of that when you tell him. 

Start out by saying, "Honey. I love you. I love how we have been getting closer lately and I am looking forward to so many more wonderful years with you but before we move forward I need to tell you about something awful I did 8 years ago.". 

Good luck.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Although I am a huge advocate of honesty, and I'm glad that your conscience has gotten the better of you, edema, I have to say that it would be a HORRIBLE idea to bring this up now!

It might ease your guilt a bit, but at what price? 

Your husband would be in anguish and never see you the same way again. Instead, he would be shocked and devastated that you successfully deceived him over many years. This could cause a change in your marital status, the way you both interact with the children, and even the grandkids, if their parents feel resentful over the fallout that takes place. 

I think you have yourself a sh*t sandwich that doesn't taste very good, but it'd be worse to force others to eat from it, too, especially when nothing can undo the past.


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## edema (Oct 22, 2012)

i got so many good answers but the person who told me it is unfair to tell him to make him sad and i was selfish is so right. i need to keep this in prayer more before i decide


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## ARF (Jan 26, 2011)

You need to determine who coming clean will benefit prior to telling him.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

edema said:


> i got so many good answers but the person who told me it is unfair to tell him to make him sad and i was selfish is so right. i need to keep this in prayer more before i decide


Would you want to know if he had an affair no matter how long ago?


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I know a bunch here are all for no secrets and full disclosre. BUT...

I have a good friend who had an EA/PA but as soon as she crossed that line she ended it knowing it was wrong and went to IC and had some close deep conversations with her husband about what she needed in a relationship and from that point forward have turned their marriage into a wonderful example of how close two people can be both emotionally and physically.

Her counselor told her to NOT disclose (OM was married, too) it now that it was over because the guilt was HER CROSS TO BEAR, not his. 

Unburdening yourself might make you feel a little better. If there is NO CHANCE this will ever surface (if even 1% I'd say disclose) then don't. It sounds like water under the bridge.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

CanadianGuy said:


> Would you want to know if he had an affair no matter how long ago?


I wouldn't if those were the circumstances.


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## VictoriaWinters (Oct 22, 2012)

edema, 
It would be selfish of you to tell your husband at this point. You made a HUGE mistake, but it is over and you are not going to do it again. You have learned your lesson for I am sure you are sick at heart about what you did, based on what you wrote. Your husband doesn't need to know. And in a way, that's part of your punishment for what you did.


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## Zig (Oct 6, 2012)

If you start going through a rocky time in your marriage again, will you cheat again?

Wow, he was having major health issues so it was OK?

Assuming he's older than you by a few years (like most marriages), he'll be having more health issues soon.

If my wife told me she had a drunken kiss with some guy years ago I would divorce her immediately even if our kid's kindergarten graduation were the next day.

But I just have standards.

I have a feeling you won't tell your husband, the poor SOB.


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## Cdelta02 (Sep 20, 2012)

God may have forgiven your affair but has he forgiven you continuing to deceive your husband? Does he forgive it every min, every hour you hide the truth? 

Come on. Reality is you should hide it, its in your self interest to do so even if it hurts your husband. But at least be truthful to yourself that thats why you are doing it. Dont look here on the forum for us to justify it for you and give you a pat on the back.

So - net net. Hide it. Feel guilty for the rest of your life. Use that guilt that you feel to motivate you to do special things for your husband. Make your husband feel like he is the most special person in the world and you are the best thing that happened to him.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Edema

I do not want to know all the times my wife has thought or had dreams about other men. I am not going to tell her my thoughts and dreams either.

What matters the most is that she and I diligently strive to help each other, to build each other up, to put aside the wrongs that God has forgiven us for, to touch each others heart, to meet as many needs for each other as possible, etc.

Edema, you can do so much more for your husband, children and grandchildren by being the best wife, mother, and grandmother you can be. That will do a LOT more good for your family than devastating your husband, children, and grandchildren with your confession of a sin that you committed 8 years ago. You have been faithfull for 8 years and that shows that it was a one time horrible event

You are a child of God that has made a terrible mistake and it was very selfish. God is much more interested in how much you can now give to your family and God than to wallow in guilt and hurt your family for a sin that you committed 8 years ago.

What do the scriptures say about the adulterous woman? “Go and sin no more”  No mention of going to all the men and husband and confess.


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## NotDoneYet (Oct 6, 2012)

As a husband who's been cheated on and knows fully the excruciating pain it caused...TELL HIM. Regardless of the pain, he needs to know. Be honest, and be as remorseful as you apparently are. And guess what? Then you'll find out if your husband truly loves you.

Otherwise, do you want to be on your death bed with your husband looking lovingly into your eyes, knowing that maybe the word could get around to him about your affair after you die -- when you'll have no opportunity to explain yourself, and he'll live the rest of his life thinking you didn't love him?


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

Before you unleash this bomb on him have you actually sat down and asked what was going on in the period when" *my husband started ignoring me and refusing sex. he was having kidneystones and diabetes and he was not talking to me and staying in another bedroom*". ( Was the illness, and those that have had kidney stones will know this) effecting him? diabetes has an impact on his labido also. Was he in a mental place where he was struggling. What was your support for hom during this time bearing in mind that kidney issues can be so incredibly painful. 
The reason for the question is that some people become very withdrawn, even clinically depressed to the point where they start to withdraw from any interaction with those they love. 
Whilst you say Gods forgiven you, a statement I will not comment on you cleary feel guilty and yes you should as your partney was ill and you went and had an affair. 

There could be other reasons here that he withdrew from you which are not mentioned here. Was he involved with someone else ? Were you giving off signals even then that made him feel that you were not "with him",
As for telling him. Only you know how he will take this, especially when he figures out that whilst he was at his lowest and most vulnerable you were having sex with another man. 
I do not condone his withdrawl unless the illness was having an effect which may not have been easily seen. Normally an illness does bring a couple together ..... eventually but you really need to examine that period first and establish openly and honestly what was breaking down and then you can make the decison for yourelf if its the right time to tell him what went wrong.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

So lets see....
Suppose , some time later ,the OP's husband found out by accident , that she did have a brief affair.
What should the OP do?
Deny that she ever had an affair because God forgave her?
Suppose one night as they were lying in bed , having a soul searching conversation , her husband asked her if she was ever unfaithful to him?
What should she say? 
No?
I would like to think that reconciliation involves full disclosure?
I would like to think that if they are reconciling their differences , that her husband could find it in his heart to FORGIVE her ?
I would like to think that part of taking responsibility for one's actions is acknowledging where they went wrong , and apologizing to those we may have wronged.

OP, my advice would be to find an appropriate time and place , tell your husband.. He WILL forgive you.
In the end it will make your marriage stronger.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> Quote by Caribbean Man
> 
> So lets see....
> Suppose , some time later ,the OP's husband found out by accident , that she did have a brief affair.
> ...


She could say:
*Lets leave my past in the past and your past in the past*
I don’t want to bring up your sexual thoughts and actions for the last 20 years nor mine.
Lets talk about how I am doing now and for the last several years
What can I do to make your life better?

I would like to think that reconciliation involves full disclosure?
You are assuming that full disclosure always brings reconciliation---not true


I would like to think that if they are reconciling their differences, that her husband could find it in his heart to FORGIVE her ?

Your word of “THINK” and question mark? At the end of your sentence says a lot.

I would like to think that part of taking responsibility for one's actions is acknowledging where they went wrong , and apologizing to those we may have wronged.

Taking responsibility also includes turning from your ways 180 degrees and taking actions to make things better. She has done that
Have you taken responsibility for all your sexual actions in the past and apologized to all you have wronged?



OP, my advice would be to find an appropriate time and place, tell your husband.. He WILL forgive you.
In the end it will make your marriage stronger. 

You are making strong definite statements that you can not guarantee. *Are you going to take the responsibility and take the fall out if he does not forgive?*
Are you going to explain to the children and grandchildren why they should just get over the fact that mom and grandma betrayed the family?

In a perfect world where all people ARE SO STRONG that strong love dominates over all; your advice is right on!

This is not a perfect world and strong love does not dominate. 

*Sometimes you have to make the decisions that have the best chance of keeping a family together.*


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## lost inside (Oct 23, 2012)

Don't tell him. You feel like you owe it to him to be honest but it's at his cost. You did the deed and he will live with the scars. That it not his cross to bear it is yours. 

My husband cheated on my 3 years ago and I am not the same person since. We stayed together but I wear the scars from his poor choices. I wish wish wish he had never told me!! He feels better but I feel depressed and unworthy like it was my fault. THe issues in our marriage were cause by us both but in his cheating and giving himself to someone else he also gave away a part of me. I will never get that back but I just wish I was still in my fairy tale marriage with my rose colored glasses still on and none the wiser. Maybe then I'd still have myself inside instead of an empty soul. 

Please don't tell him because you think he deserves to know. He deserved your loyality, especially during HIS hard time. What is done is done and what he deserves now is to not have to wear your scars. As for those who say it will make your marriage stronger, no it won't. It will take every bit of trust out of your relationship. Marriage gives you that feeling that no matter what there is one person who will support you know matter what. That it is you two against all else. If you tell him he will never have that secure feeling again and will feel as though it is him alone against the world and thats a lot to carry. In his times of needing someone to trust and all your efforts to make things right you will never be the one to make him feel secure. All it will do is remind him that he can't even trust you or have you with him against the world.


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

OP listen to Caribbean Man he has good points and I agree with him......these things have a way of coming out. My uncle cheated on his W and it was revealed 40 YEARS after it happened. He would have died keeping that secret from his wife but someone else knew and they told and the secret slipped out. 

If your affair was with a co worker, don't you realize your other coworkers could see what was going on? I can assure you others know and you don't realize they know. What about the OM ? who has he told ?

You have been lying to his face for 8 years.I would be more willing to reconcile if my wife was honest and came clean and transparent and told me. Than if she was dishonest and I found out some other way.


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

Op, if you don't tell him you are robbing him of his right to make an informed decision about his own life.

Would you want someone you loved and trusted to do this to you? 

How can you continue to behave so selfishly? 

What does your faith have to say about deceiving loved ones?


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Maybe I missed this,but do you still work with this guy? Who ended the affair and what was the catalyst that brought you to this crossroad so long after the fact?


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

OP.... have you had a Std test ? some std can linger in your body doing damage and you may not be realizing it, and passing it on to your H.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

It appears the advice here varies a little but I really have to agree with Caribbean Man.
If ANYONE needs to provide you with forgiveness here its your husband and no one else.

If you keep this a secret and something gets back to your husband you may find you come home one day to find the locks all changed, the bank account frozen and you are effectively looking at a divorce and homeless. Good points about STIs have been made and I really agree with the guys here, you may not be the only sexual companion your lover had and therefore you made find you carry an infection like chlamydia which the male of the species will not notice but can cause the female untold health issues AND be carried on to partners immeadiatley after infection. I susect a letter arriving at your home from an STI clinic requesting you attend as you are found to be in a chain infection may just tip off your H who you will then have to inform as he well get a letter if you dont. I cannot imagine explaining that away. 

You will agonise over this for a considerable time and I suspect it WILL come out sooner or later. Its supprising what slips out when we argue with a partner.
It might just be the "right thing" to pick te moment and admit the fault beofre someone else takes great delight in revealing your story.


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