# Weight Gain (her), Low Libido (me), She asks if she can 'get it elsewhere'?



## typical_male (Feb 11, 2013)

We have been married for over 13 years. We have 2 kids, both middle-school age. She had a thyroid issue, gained a lot of weight, lost her desire for sex - then things changed...

After her surgery her energy-level got back to normal, her libido apparently re-ignited, but she also put on a lot of weight and I am just not turned on by her because of the weight-gain. She's always known that I didn't find overweight people attractive - right or wrong, it is how I am.

She was always 'bigger', but never 'flabby' - until a few years ago and because of her thyroid condition (I know, it's not her fault, that doesn't help...). She looks pregnant, if she even bends over slightly, her butt sticks out of her pants and I am just not turned on by any of that - quite the opposite - I get pretty turned off.

For a little while I could rely on my imagination when we did have sex, but after a while I simply couldn't fake it anymore. Rather than cheat or seek release through a porn addiction, I simply 'cooled my jets' and stopped thinking about sex at all. I could never cheat on her - I love her too much and that's not how I am made. I made a commitment to be faithful and I intend to be faithful.

She confronted me with the fact that I don't seem interested in sex with her anymore - I admitted that my drive is all but nil and she asked if it was because of how she looked. Stupid me, I said, "well, yes. I have to admit that the weight does not turn me on."

She was hurt (of course!) - maybe she was lashing out, maybe she was serious, but she said, *"well, if you aren't going to touch me then can I go find it from someone else?* I need to feel attractive and part of that is being 'touched'..."

That pretty much wrecked me. I almost got physically ill - and I let her know that the very idea makes me want to explode. I am sympathetic to her needs and since that horrible chat I've been trying to up the ante on my libido so I can genuinely make her feel physically desirable as well as unconditionally loved, but there is still the flabbiness - and that damn request to "get it elsewhere" hanging in the air.

Needless to say, I feel terrible - for her, for me, for us - but I have to be honest with myself. I don't find her sexually attractive with all the extra weight. I wish I did, but I just don't. I don't want her to 'go without' - but I definitely don't want her to 'go out and get it elsewhere', but I feel like a fraud pretending I am not somewhat repulsed by the fat thing.

I've suggested things like a health club membership, a personal trainer, gotten her exercise apparatuses that she's asked for, but she just doesn't seem to have any desire at all to get into a regular workout routine.

Who am I kidding? The thing that's got me the most twisted is that damn comment about 'getting it elsewhere'... my brain literally reeled at the idea and I experienced 10 different emotions simultaneously - all bad - and suddenly I feel like she'd rather do that than even try to drop a pound or two. The fact that there are a few single men (and married ones who aren't above servicing a wanting woman's needs) at her disposal and so help me, if I had said, "OK, if that's what you really need" that she'd actually go and do it.

I love her - she loves me - how could she even suggest such a thing? Is it really the case that she would rather 'cheat' (with permission) than try to lose a few pounds? I'm no saint and have plenty of flaws so I feel like a jerk because I feel the way I do about her weight when she puts up with me and all my flaws, but hell... the idea of her with someone else literally hurts my brain... and the idea that she'd even suggest such a thing has me almost despondent.

Thanks for letting me rant a little... Any thoughts? I've never been in this sort of situation before and I could use a little guidance.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Do you want her to live a life without sex? Cause that's what you're putting her through.

Should she be overweight? Probably not, but with health issues, it's hard to get it under control sometimes.


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## typical_male (Feb 11, 2013)

that_girl said:


> Do you want her to live a life without sex? Cause that's what you're putting her through.
> 
> Should she be overweight? Probably not, but with health issues, it's hard to get it under control sometimes.


Of course I don't want her to go without. Fact is, when her libido dropped because of the hormone thing, I adjusted to the loss of sex even before we knew it was due to a thyroid issue. She stopped wanting sex - I asked, she said she just wasn't interested anymore... Neither of us knew it was because of her condition. She had the condition for almost a year before we found out what it was and she had her surgery - but until that point, I just thought she really wasn't into sex anymore - hell, she even said so.

So I adjusted. You ask, "do I want her to go without?" - no. To be fair, though, when she lost interest, I adjusted - I didn't ask if I could "get it somewhere else since she wasn't interested..."

Do you see the crux here?


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

"She's always known that I didn't find overweight people attractive - *right or wrong, it is how I am.*"

----

"how could she even suggest such a thing?"

----

*Right or wrong.. it is how she is.*


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## sunnysky (Feb 11, 2013)

If you love her be there for her. This is the time she needs you the most you basically destroyed her self esteem. when you told her she don't turn you on any more because of the weight gain.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Look she took your comment about her weight as meanness so she fought back with meanness.

As a hormonal female I've been known to say LOTS of mean things I didn't mean. Yes I regret them now. 

Do you think she was just being mean back or do you really think she was serious?


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Nothing cuts deeper than finding out your husband isn't into having sex with you anymore because of how you look. It would be like if she told you that your **** isn't big enough and so she would rather use a vibrator. 
You have just stabbed her in the heart. It isn't rational, it goes back to the first years of girlhood when you realize what you look like is suddenly how you are judged. 
I don't think you are wrong for being turned off but I think you didn't handle this well. 
I think that she is angry and hurt and she figures the sexual part of your relationship is over so why not just go elsewhere? 
I applaud you for wanting to stay with her and not making ultimatums about her losing weight. 
I'm not sure where you go from here but you can start by coming out of your logical mind and trying to have compassion for how hurt she is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

So why do you want to stay with someone you feel no attraction for, and who won't do anything about it?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

double standard when he was interested she rejected him. now that shes interested he should jump for joy at the chance to bang a fat women.....who rejected him in the first place.

not that you handled it in a good way.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

I can't believe how cruel.... thyroid issue cause major depression, you lose your hair ( i lost so much hair I had to cut 28 inches off because it looked so thin), gain weight no matter how much dieting and exercise you do (i am a vegitarian and exercise daily ..gained 100 lbs), cause insomnia, exhaution and fatigue (lost so much sleep I was diagnoised with sleep deprivation)...and they destroy your sex drive completely (went from intercouse 3-4 times a week to once every other week...though he got a lot bj's about every other day, I had no interest in him reciprocating though). 

Post surgery...sex brives back and stronger than ever...got to love that synthriod. The meds can take from 6months to 3 years to kick in and regulate completely. I starved myself litterly for 6 months after surgery because the doctor told me on average people gain 30 lbs after thyroid surgery. ..no way was I gaining anymore weight. I ate 500 calories a day, I didn't lose weight...but I didn't gain any. My husbands never once let me feel ugly or unloved...after surgery he took me to "lovers lane" and bought me $500 worth of sexy lingerie and toys and then to the jewlery store for a necklace to cover my hangmans necktie scar. 

The meds kicked in after 8 months and within 3months I lost 35 pounds. I am still losing about 2pounds a week...not thin yet but getting there slowly. My husband encourages me every step of the way. I know I am not what everyone would consider good looking (very short thin hair, big scar on my neck and still plump) but to my husband I am beautiful and alive. Tumors as large as mine can usually are cancerous. ..mine wasn't. 

She was wrong to say what she did, but do you realize how cruel what you said was. I really feel bad for her...I don't know what I would have done without my man the last couple of years.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## typical_male (Feb 11, 2013)

Good points here. I know what I said hurt but the truth does that sometimes. I thought it was important to be truthful if there was the possibility that we might talk about what to do next. I was a little surprised by her proposal. I get it - I just have a hard time contending with it.

I am there for her and she knows it. But I can't do it for her. I hoped it might provoke a more heathy line of discussion even though it wold be a hard one to have. I just got entirely derailed mentally. Know it is almost impossible to think about it without flashing on images of her with another man.

I appreciate the opportunity to get this out. Chewing on it in my mind was starting to drive me a little nuts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> double standard when he was interested she rejected him. now that shes interested he should jump for joy at the chance to bang a fat women.....who rejected him in the first place.
> 
> not that you handled it in a good way.


I second this.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Here on TAM, a woman who is in the same situation you are.. her husband has gained weight due to illness and she is not longer attracted to him, but she loves him and cares for him... she'd be told that sex is an important part of marriage and she should still give him sex or at least blow jobs.

Just thinking out loud.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> double standard when he was interested she rejected him. now that shes interested he should jump for joy at the chance to bang a fat women.....who rejected him in the first place.
> 
> not that you handled it in a good way.


Keep in mind that she was LD due to an illness.

She is overweight because of the same illness.


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## typical_male (Feb 11, 2013)

For the record, I am, was have been and always will be there for her even if I express myself poorly and say the wrong thing sometimes. Her libido vanished years ago mysteriously to both of us at the time. She wasn't gaining weight or feeling tired all the time, it just 'went'...

It was then that I started getting my own head OK with significantly less sex. I figured it was either that or go crazy wanting something from her she doesn't want to give. Stupid me, I got good at getting over it. Who knew it would come back at me like this?

Ironic... Choose to be essentially celebate rather that separate, cheat or porn up and that ends up driving a wedge between us.

I know what she needs. I have even been reading some of the stuff she's been reading to get some fantasy insights to hopefully make it more exciting for both of us. 

And for the record, I am still not turned on but I figure if I turned it off I can probably turn it back on too.

As long as I can get the idea of her with someone else from intruding...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

I understand your frustration...I guarantee she is even more frustrated. I actually had a shouting match with my endocrinologist about losing weight...he finally grinned at me and said to knock myself out but I wasn't going to lose weight until the meds adjusted completely. :-( He was right took 8 months. Spent a lot of money on a gym and couch, still didn't lose, but I didn't gain. If I had my guess she feels like there is no hope of ever losing weight.... I went through a time like that also. Can you imagine dieting and exercising and still gaining weight it is very devastating. Try and be supportive of her and encourage her on the little milestones.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

I have a few questions.

1. Even when her libido dropped, were you still having sex? I know you said it dropped "significantly", but from what frequency did you start and at what frequency did you get down to before learning of her condition?

2. After her surgery, and before she commented that you didn't seem interested in sex anymore, were you having sex at that point? If so, again, frequency? Compare that to the frequency before her surgery. More? Less?

3. How much weight has she actually gained? And, has her doctor put her on medications at all to help combat the weight gain? Honest question... I'm not all that familiar with thyroid problems, so I am not sure how commonplace "weight reducing" medications are in thyroid conditions.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

If she still has part of her thyroid there are some diet medications that will help on top of the thyroid replacement drug. If like myself she had her thyroid removed...she will have to wait for the synthetic thyroid to kick in 6 to 36 months. The synthetic hormone works real well with something others it is real slow.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## typical_male (Feb 11, 2013)

Things are moving in a positive direction at this point. The weight and the suggestion of a surrogate mate were the pits. I needed to write it out, get some scorn and some support to get this out of my head and onto the table.

She is looking better to me every day and I tell her she is beautiful frequently. I am sure she doesn't believe me yet but soon both of us will I am sure.

No one needs to tell me how much I hurt her and it is clear she hurt me too. Next? Working on it. Thanks for the insights. I appreciate them all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Awe, that's so cute!

Glad you guys are working it out. Just remember, you wife will one day be an old lady and if you can't find the woman you love inside, you're going to be one miserable old man.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

> She is looking better to me every day and I tell her she is beautiful frequently. I am sure she doesn't believe me yet but soon both of us will I am sure.


Thanks God this seems to be working! 

you have supported her when she was LD, and now is no longer LD. Good, the fight is halfway over. Now you continue your support to get her to lose weight. If she is actually making strong efforts to lose weight, even if not completely successful, I am sure you will find her efforts admirable (the process is often more important than the result), and little by little her efforts and your admiration will make you want to make love to her again.

Marriage if a teamwork. If she is just sitting there on her butt doing nothing and not wanting to lose weight, after all these years you supporting her when she was LD, it means she's so selfish and you really should ask yourself, should you remain with her? 

But if she joins you in the team, she's doing her best to get to the best shape she could be, with you right there beside her giving your support and encouragements, then I am sure nothing but good will come out of this! Good Luck!


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> Keep in mind that she was LD due to an illness.
> 
> She is overweight because of the same illness.


all very true .....and it should be factored in.

but keep in mind that men have feelings also. and being rejected and accepting your spouces low drive is very difficult. 

I'm glad these guys are working through it. sounds like they are on the right track.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I think you were right to be honest.

What you found out is your wife cares more about keeping her weight where it is than her marriage to you.

It's funny how many women lose their libido's becuase they are too stressed, feel fat, have too many little kids puking on them, husband does not romance them... And this is accepted as normal in socieity. But a man who loses his libido for a fat wife is a jerk.

Guess what? You are not a jerk. You wife feels entitled to gain weight and then get sex elsewhere. You have a different value system, in that you did not seek to go elsewhere when her libidio mysteriously disappeared.... I would even ask did she treat that as important when it happened? Or did she just say "it is what it is", and until she started seeing other (more imporant) symptoms did she start going to the Dr for thyroid....

I would be thinking about your sense of loyalty to her and the marriage versus her sense of loyalty to you and the marriage.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

typical_male said:


> No one needs to tell me how much I hurt her and it is clear she hurt me too. Next? Working on it. Thanks for the insights. I appreciate them all.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good for you both, keep moving forward. :smthumbup:


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## typical_male (Feb 11, 2013)

Hicks - thanks for the support, but remember, you are talking about the woman I love! 

Look - I married her for much more than her looks. She's smart, funny, caring, the best mom and and a super wife. Yes, she did lose interest, she did gain weight, it was apparently because of a thyroid condition and yes, I did start of lose interest in sex because of all of that. I feel like a jerk regardless of whether or not my feelings can be rationalized.

It's just that I've always felt that our commitment to each other is the most important thing in our marriage. The 'for better/worse/richer/poorer/sickness/health' thing - I take that seriously. We were tested a long time ago when she lost her drive. I thought the actions I took back then were the right ones with regard to keeping our commitment.

Venus, Mars, I know. That doesn't make the shrapnel any less jagged. Men/Women = human. Different, sure. Similar, yes. Are all women driven primarily by emotion over logic? No, not in my experience. Are all men apes who hump chair legs and make love to their wives with the same degree of emotional detachment? No. Does telling your wife you are not turned on by her body because she's gained a lot of weight hurt even though it's the truth? Yes - of course it does. Does suggesting that she could find a certain degree of satisfaction in the arms of another man make me hurt in ways I never knew I could? Without a doubt.

Maybe I am ignoring the obvious - or maybe I am really committed to our marriage and willing to say and do hard things to maintain it. It's hard to know where the line between stupidly plowing forward in the face of insurmountable opposition and cutting your losses really is.

I love her - and I always will. I want her to be happy and I am going to try to do what I can to make her happy. I've done it before, I can do it again. I also believe there is a certain amount of personal initiative that is required on her end toward her own sense of happiness that is absolutely necessary. I cannot be held 100% responsible for happiness. It's very easy to say, "You aren't doing enough to make me happy" it's a lot harder to say, "I am not doing enough to make me happy". When someone else is to blame, you get an easy out. When it's yourself, you have a lot more work to do. One requires effort and commitment - the other is a ticket to ride. As much as I want her life to be effortless - that's not realistic.

I wish I didn't say what I said - regardless of how true it is - I could have handled that much better if I were in a stronger place. I was weak when we had that conversation and I didn't rise to the occasion. I bet (hope) the same is true for her.

As some have suggested - what I said was "cruel" - I get that. Was there a grain of truth in there? Well, yes... Did I deserve such a devastating response? Probably. It's just hard to get past the idea that one side can and will be rectified through some relatively simple steps, or squats or jumping jacks. The other side is going to dangle there as a gigantic, dark and nagging question mark for a long time. What happens in the future if, after I relight my D, my LD returns - *especially* if she does drop the lbs? How am I not going to think that she's going to go visit one of our recently single neighbors to borrow a cup 'o sugar and some sex?

My issue to overcome, I suppose.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

NICE guy going down!

good luck


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Yes, I think you hurt her feelings.

But, and honest marraige is more successful than one where the man squelches his feelings.


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## Sunshine1234 (Aug 20, 2012)

"Look - I married her for much more than her looks. She's smart, funny, caring, the best mom and and a super wife."

You forgot clever! I'm sorry but she played you like a fiddle and it worked. She knows about her weight and she was all ready for you. Wives are emotional creatures and we know our husbands better than they know themselves. She knew that line would get you and it did.

Whatever. I am happy you gained a knew perspective on your wife. She definitely is a funny one though and that IS attractive!


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Really?!?!?

Okay, here's the deal. BOTH of you need to get to a gym. Take her in the car, don't tell her where your going and pull into the local gym. Inquire about memberships for both you and your wife. Then ask about a personal trainer for the BOTH of you.

Then, you both work out together. You push each other, you support each other. You're going to form a closer bond by doing this. You're going to start to view her as a closer partner for you. Make sure your wife gets to the doctor and gets on the right meds. Start eating clean and healthy.

Trust me, the pounds will come off, making your wife more desirable to you and with YOU working out as well, it will raise your testosterone levels and you're going to want to have it. 

It's a win win for both of you. Just tell her that you're concerned for her health and you want to see the both of you growing old together, but you've realized that your health is going to the wayside and it needs to be fixed.

It can be done romantically as well. Put up a chart in the house. When you both lose 10 pounds. The reward is a night out on the town. Dinner, show and dancing. 20 lbs mark, romantic getaway weekend at a B&B. Give yourselves goals and rewards thats going to help you two reconnect.


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## typical_male (Feb 11, 2013)

@Sunshine1234 - Played like a fiddle? Maybe. I am sure she knew her comment would get to me - but part of me thinks she really wanted to find out how I'd respond. I am half tempted to go home and tell her that I've had time to consider her proposal and that I am willing to let her go for it if that's what will make her happy.

Thing is about bluffing... Sometime you (I) will get called on it. You (I) have to be prepared for and ready to accept that if we're going to play 'call my bluff'. If she was bluffing, that was ballsy. If she wasn't...

@Crossbar - Very productive suggestion - and quite possible THE best solution to our problem. I could make the very legitimate excuse that we don't have the $$ for one of us to do that let alone both, but that would be cold comfort if nothing changes and things go south because we don't do anything.

Thanks for the rational perspective and productive suggestion.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

typical_male said:


> @Crossbar - Very productive suggestion - and quite possible THE best solution to our problem. I could make the very legitimate excuse that we don't have the $$ for one of us to do that let alone both, but that would be cold comfort if nothing changes and things go south because we don't do anything.
> 
> Thanks for the rational perspective and productive suggestion.


 Dude, now you're making excuses. Do your research some gyms have deals for couples. The expensive part is the personal trainer. They usually charge 20 bucks an hour. For two of you, it would probably be $35.

Or you can do home workouts together. Beach Body has a lot of DVD products that have massive results. Some of those items are Power 90, P90X, Insanity, Turbo Fire. And they're only a one time purchase. They usually come with progress Charts and Nutritional guides.

I think that if presented her with the rewards option for the both of you to reconnect, she might be on board with that option. I mean, if her losing 50 lbs results in, say, a cruise or a vacation of her choosing...who wouldn't want that. You get the wife you remember back, your testosterone goes up. And you two are back to having wild monkey sex.

Just....think about it.


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

IMO she did not mean what she said as it leaked out as she was feeling hurt and diminished.

Men are problem solvers, gathering facts, needing to be steady and looking forward. Women are creatures of emotion. Their reality at the moment is "how they feel". That includes lots of ups and downs and all-arounds. They say things they mean...at the moment...but the feelings change. Listen carefully to what a woman says when she is speaking from a loving place. If she is on a tirade, a man is expected to know what is real and what is emotional release.


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## typical_male (Feb 11, 2013)

@crossbar - to be fair, I agree that your suggestion is a good one and I do plan to act on it in some form. Reality is, it will have to align with what we can afford. That (our financial situation) is another unfortunate point of contention, however. I am working 1.5 jobs to make ends meet and the ends are not meeting. So the physical fitness plan will have to be homemade and more than likely driven by me. I am doing me research now. Hopefully by the weekend I will be able to get that end of things moving.

@cre8ify - I respectfully submit that regardless of the stereotypes we are grown ups here and as such are ultimately held accountable for our words and deeds. Suggesting that women are slaves to their emotions is a bit of a cop out. In my experience women are every bit as capable as men to be calculating and deliberate in all kinds of situations.

But I get what you are saying and agree that is probably partly why she said what she did. However, once such word are out there the damage is done. Do you think I would get the same out if I were the one who said that? Doubtful. My bet is the masses would say I was a "typical male". It is much easier to believe a guy who is losing his sexual attraction for his wife would want to sleep around. But a woman who suggests such a thing is "just emotional" and should be given latitude for the poorly chosen phrase.

We are grown ups here. We should play by grown up rules, IMO. That includes taking responsibility for what we say.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I think that she should try to lose weight definitely. For herself first and for her health. The problem is that sometimes people gain weight and they feel so bad about themselves that they don't want to be seen exercising. Maybe try to do something private or help her find something fun like Zumba. 
Also keep in mind that there are people who can eat less and exercise and they lose weight very slowly. Especially people who have thyroid problems. 
I bet she has a lot of shame and feels really negatively about working out. Maybe she needs to do something to work on mind body connection like yoga. At least it would start her moving.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

Except the man is held to a different standard and always will be. 

A woman may be calculating, powerful and menacing around a board table but perhaps behind closed doors, with her intimate partner and away from the world she MAY want to just be a woman.

Communication is great but there are some places we need to be very careful as there are no do-overs. You both might have left a mark this time and need to try to walk it back.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> I think that she should try to lose weight definitely. For herself first and for her health. The problem is that sometimes people gain weight and they feel so bad about themselves that they don't want to be seen exercising. Maybe try to do something private or help her find something fun like Zumba.
> Also keep in mind that there are people who can eat less and exercise and they lose weight very slowly. Especially people who have thyroid problems.
> I bet she has a lot of shame and feels really negatively about working out. Maybe she needs to do something to work on mind body connection like yoga. At least it would start her moving.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Another thing I believe I asked but I didn't see an answer... how long ago was the surgery, and has her doctor put her on thyroid medication to try to help her get that weight off? From my understanding, all the exercise in the world and cutting calories won't do much, if anything at all, unless she has medication to replace the thyroxine. Maybe I'm wrong... I am curious about it though.


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## typical_male (Feb 11, 2013)

I am not totally black and white in my views, but I don't buy the premise that men are, or should be held to a different standard than women when it comes to owning their words and deeds. Women have worked too hard for too long to let regressive concepts like that have any credibility. I get the more nuanced aspects - that women do express emotions more openly (typically) than men and that emotions sometimes be the reason people say and do inappropriate things. I do not accept that women get a pass for saying horrible things just because they are women and are emotional. If a man were saying such things he'd be accused Irightly so) of being sexist and mysogenistic.

I believe she said what she said because she was hurt by what I said. Fact is, that is just being vindictive. I believe she knew full well that it would hurt me deeply and that is exactly why she said it - to hurt me. Mission accomplished. I was, and still am deeply hurt by what she said and I am having a very hard time dealing with the lingering effects. I am making it my goal to work on the things I know she wants and needs from me but the fact is that her choice to say what she said (to hurt me) worked a little better than expected. It was not something I can just put out of my mind and pretend never happened. Every night since then I have had nightmares starring her and other men which has led to insomnia and daily exhaustion. She is out with friends right now and I am still dealing with the impact of her words.

Obviously I have more to work out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## typical_male (Feb 11, 2013)

@Maricha75 - her surgery was in June - it was very successsful and she has been taking synthroid since. Her mood and energy improved almost imediately and she has been doing and feeling much better since.

Our first 'dry spell' was years ago (3 or so) and was because she lost interest. I confronted her about it and she treated it as if it were no big deal - as it it were normal and expected. She even said, "I thought you were in the same place..." I let her know that I was not in the same place and that we needed to do something about it. She started going through the motions, but it was obvious that it was only me who wanted it and I started feeling guilty for making her have sex when I knew she didn't want to. That is when I started working on not needing it from her so much. The impression I got back then was that she was done with sex for the most part. I enjoy sex, but not when the feeling is not mutual. I was never a sex fiend, nor was she, so this was not entirely horrible.

Obviously things have changed. Change is good.

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I wonder how she would have reacted if you told her that you would get your sex else where too.. 

I think you should take a hard stand instead of sucking up to her when she threatened to have sex with other people.(Again I am focusing on how you are handling the issue rather that what you re doing. ) Tell her you will be holding her to the same standard if her libido ever drops in the future.(Not really, but just so that she will understand)

Read about "sh!t test"


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Wow, talk about dejavu!!!

My wife is also a larger woman. When she bends over, her butt also sticks out. I was even asked once, when is your wife due? I told them, she's not due.......how embarrassing to me!!!

She is a very sensitive woman so you have to be careful if you speak your mind and be politically correct, I can't stand politically correctness.

If I told my wife, I am not attracted to you because you've let yourself go and need to lose a lot of weight, she would be extremely hurt as well!! But its perfectly acceptable not to take care of herself, right?! There have been times I don't want to see her naked either, she is very fat.

You should love me for me, right? Yes, but its her responsibility to take care of herself instead of being lazy and letting herself go and then upset when I don't find her hot.

My wife's solution, get a new haircut, dye the hair, new clothes but don't go to a gym and lose the weight.

Now she is a kind, caring and loving wife, that I wouldn't change but her will power to take care of herself is a joke......


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Maybe she needs bigger pants.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Maricha -you are correct until the meds adjust it really won't do much good you might maintain your weight but not lose it. If your thyroid is removed...you have no metabolism at all, if you have hypothyroidism you are running on about 1/10th of a normal persons...your whole system is in slow motion. As my endocrinologist said when I told him I didn't care I wasn't going to wait for the meds to adjust...he said "knock youself out", he was right I didn't start losing till the meds kicked in about 8 months later. I went to the gym every day and was on a low carb diet of 500 calories a day. I only managed to maintain my weight...not lose. Now the meds have kicked in I am dropping my weight at a pretty good pace. A low carb or diabetic diet is what the recommend. There are some hormones when you lose your thyroid they can't replace, which cause other issues..ie low potassium..low calcium. There are tons of web sites on thyroid issues out there...if you google thyroid libido and weight you will get a lot of info.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ChknNoodleSoup (Oct 20, 2012)

Your comment about she rather cheat than lose a pound or two makes me lose sympathy for you. It's not easy to lose weight for a lot of people, maybe she tries and finds it hard and discouraging. There's nothing worse than the man you love telling you you are not attractive for sex. If you love her so much, you don't see the good in her enough to have sex? Honestly, this just pisses me off.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

This issue strikes right at my core. My wife is 330lbs, twice the weight she was when I married her. I simply am not attracted to women that are obese. Overweight can be attractive ... obese is not. There was a time early on in our marriage when she was overweight and it made no difference ... she was hot and a lot of that had to do with who she is. Health issues did not cause her weight gain ... it has been a long slow increase in weight over a 20 year marriage. 

I have no idea what to do. I am almost resigned to giving up my sex life for the remainder of my life and that is such a significant part of marriage and very important to me. Some of you are attacking him for letting her know that her weight affects his attraction to her; that it incredibly cruel to tell that to a woman. Ok, so telling her is essentially abuse ... so keep silent. Some of you are attacking him because he doesn't want to have sex with her? I understand ... I really do ... it is important to her too and I am depriving her of that. It's really the intimacy and connection that is missed ... it's what I miss. It's not fair to her ... I get it. So, basically I have to provide duty sex for someone I am not at all attracted to. You know, it doesn't always work that way for a man ... if he's not interested, some things stop working well. Ok, so I will go down on her and keep silent about my feelings about her weight. Check. Wait. Some people think that is Mr. Nice Guy. I need to tell her or she won't do anything about it. Don't tell her because she'll be crushed and put up walls. AHHHHH!

Yeah, I'm ranting a bit. I don't know, I've worked this issue over and over in my mind and I still don't know what to do. Yes, we've talked about her weight ... as a health concern ... do it for your children. No, I don't want to have sex with her but I do have it when she wants, which is not often. Sometimes it is difficult to maintain an erection with her despite being very healthy and not having ED ... I really have that reaction ... she is 50 lbs away from being the lady driving around the cart at the local wal-mart ... it is not at all sexy or attractive. What I miss most is the connection. I feel as if our emotional connection suffers significantly from the lack of a physical connection. I really do fear that my sex life is over and that revelation is hard to swallow.


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## ChknNoodleSoup (Oct 20, 2012)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> This issue strikes right at my core. My wife is 330lbs, twice the weight she was when I married her. I simply am not attracted to women that are obese. Overweight is attractive ... obese is not. This is not due to health issues but has been a long slow increase in weight over a 20 year marriage.
> 
> I have no idea what to do. I am almost resigned to giving up my sex life for the remainder of my life and that is such a significant part of marriage and very important to me. Some of you are attacking him for letting her know that her weight affects his attraction to her; that it incredibly cruel to tell that to a woman. Ok, so telling her is essentially abuse ... so keep silent. Some of you are attacking him because he doesn't want to have sex with her? I understand ... I really do ... it is important to her too and I am depriving her of that. It's really the intimacy and connection that is missed ... it's what I miss. It's not fair to her ... I get it. So, basically I have to provide duty sex for someone I am not at all attracted to. You know, it doesn't always work that way for a man ... if he's not interested, some things stop working well. Ok, so I will go down on her and keep silent about my feelings about her weight. Check. Wait. Some people think that is Mr. Nice Guy. I need to tell her or she won't do anything about it. Don't tell her because she'll be crushed and put up walls. AHHHHH!
> 
> Yeah, I'm ranting a bit. I don't know, I've worked this issue over and over in my mind and I still don't know what to do. Yes, we've talked about her weight ... as a health concern ... do it for your children. No, I don't want to have sex with her but I do have it when she wants, which is not often. Sometimes it is difficult to maintain an erection with her despite being very healthy and not having ED ... I really have that reaction ... she is 50 lbs away from being the lady driving around the cart at the local wal-mart ... it is not at all sexy or attractive. What I miss most is the connection. I feel as if our emotional connection suffers significantly from the lack of a physical connection. I really do fear that my sex life is over.


I hear you. 330 is a lot to deal with. I was turned off by the initial post because it reminded me of my stbx. At 140 he told me I turned him off. I was too fat then and too fat now. I'm bigger now. I had health issues but to he honest I emotionally ate my way to death almost. He withheld love and sex and rejected me early on that i just turned to food since family was so far away and I was in a new place with a rejecting husband and I was trying to make sense of it all. What's your wife's thing? Emotional eating? Junk food? If you find the reason and address it, it might be all you need to doz


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

ChknNoodleSoup said:


> I hear you. 330 is a lot to deal with. I was turned off by the initial post because it reminded me of my stbx. At 140 he told me I turned him off. I was too fat then and too fat now. I'm bigger now. I had health issues but to he honest I emotionally ate my way to death almost. He withheld love and sex and rejected me early on that i just turned to food since family was so far away and I was in a new place with a rejecting husband and I was trying to make sense of it all. What's your wife's thing? Emotional eating? Junk food? If you find the reason and address it, it might be all you need to doz


140 is less than my wife weighed when we married. She was hot. 200lbs, she was still attractive to me. I literally can't get my arms around 330 lbs. It is very unappealing

No, I manage the finances and do the grocery shopping so I know her diet. I'm into fitness and tend to buy healthy. She probably eats too many calories but doesn't over do it. She doesn't eat a lot of junk food. The difference may be that she will eat as much as I do ... but I am very active (weighlifting/run/swim/bike) and she is allergic to sweat ... as she says. It doesn't take much ... a lb at a time over a long period of time.


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## ChknNoodleSoup (Oct 20, 2012)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> 140 is less than my wife weighed when we married. She was hot. 200lbs, she was still attractive to me. I literally can't get my arms around 330 lbs. It is very unappealing
> 
> No, I manage the finances and do the grocery shopping so I know her diet. I'm into fitness and tend to buy healthy. She probably eats too many calories but doesn't over do it. She doesn't eat a lot of junk food. The difference may be that she will eat as much as I do ... but I am very active (weighlifting/run/swim/bike) and she is allergic to sweat ... as she says. It doesn't take much ... a lb at a time over a long period of time.


I don't want to hijack this thread. She needs to definitely stop eating as much as you do. Are there any activities you can do together? Have her spot you and you guys switch? Walk around the neighborhood? Dance?


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

ChknNoodleSoup said:


> I don't want to hijack this thread. She needs to definitely stop eating as much as you do. Are there any activities you can do together? Have her spot you and you guys switch? Walk around the neighborhood? Dance?


Yeah, I don't want to hijack this thread either. Just felt like I could relate to his story. To answer the question though ... no, she simply doesn't like physical activity. That's another issue. I tend to enjoy things that involve physical activity and I've tried to involve her to no avail. There would be nothing better to me than share our time going on hikes, riding bikes, etc. We used to play tennis, softball and golf together. Physical activities. Those things amp me up ... hot. She has no interest. Watching TV does nothing for me. She also has physical limitations due to her weight. She can't stay on her feet for long. Her legs bother her due to nerve damage (yes, onset of diabetes is closely watched). She shakes her legs at night to deal with the discomfort and she is on a sleep machine due to weight induced apnea. 

That's the thing. It is something I've struggled with for a long time and have tried SO many things. I don't want to be cruel to her. There is nothing I want more than to share a normal level of intimacy in my marriage. That's why threads like this always get my attention ... what am I missing in how I should handle this?

Before her, I had a girlfriend who was the very definition of physical beauty. Blonde with a perfect body and a killer smile. Initially the sex was incredible ... no other word for it ... weekends without bothering to put clothes on, saturate the sheets type of hot sex. The problem: her personality was nails on a chalkboard. She lacked character. Unintelligent, lacked empathy, selfish, jealous, quick to anger ... no moral compass. I quickly found her completely unattractive, not because of how she looked but because of who she was as a person. It cuts both ways. 

I met my wife and despite her being overweight and objectively not as attractive, I found her just completely hot. We had an immediate connection. This was a woman with a heart of gold. This was somebody with character who I knew I could trust with my heart. We could talk for hours at a time about anything. She seemed to know what she wanted, she made me laugh, she was affectionate, giving, warm, fun ... she was everything I wanted and I was very physically attracted to her. I think back to our honeymoon ... we went to New Zealand, rented a car and toured the country. We hiked the Milford Track. We went bungee jumping. We took a helicopter up to a glacier and held hands as we admired the beauty of it all. We came across this spot in the middle of nowhere in a foreign country, stopped the car, hiked up a hill and had crazy sex overlooking the most amazing glacier lake with snow covered mountain peaks in the distance. We promised each other that when one of us dies, the other would spread the ashes in that lake. 

I don't wish to go back to those days of our youth as if this is some approaching mid-life crisis type of thing. However, I still to this day enjoy an active lifestyle even though she doesn't. She still has many of those same qualities that I fell in love with which makes this all that more difficult. She is the best mother to my children that I could ask for ... nobody could replace her. Of course, there are things I don't like that I see now ... she is messy and unorganized, she has little discipline in most aspects of her life (except as a mommy), I can't count on her to get things done ... which is why I do the finances, grocery shopping, laundry ... those things drive me crazy but I can tolerate them because she is still that woman with a heart of gold who can make me laugh. What I can't look past is her immense weight ... it has gone too far. No matter what mind tricks I try, I cannot seem to find that attractive. Honestly, if I was single and I saw her at a bar ... under no circumstances would I want to go talk to her ... not my type at all. As cruel as that may be, it is the truth ... but it is a truth that I keep to myself as I live in my sexless marriage feeling alone and disconnected from her.

Again sorry ... I'll say no more and will not hijack this thread.


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## typical_male (Feb 11, 2013)

ChknNoodleSoup said:


> Your comment about she rather cheat than lose a pound or two makes me lose sympathy for you. It's not easy to lose weight for a lot of people, maybe she tries and finds it hard and discouraging. There's nothing worse than the man you love telling you you are not attractive for sex. If you love her so much, you don't see the good in her enough to have sex? Honestly, this just pisses me off.


To be clear, I am not looking for sympathy, I am looking for insight.

I don't think anyone can really know how something like this will impact you emotionally or psychologically until you are faced with it - and when that happens you discover that you are entirely unprepared to deal with the array of conflicting messages from both your spouse and yourself.

I am not looking for an "out" - in case that thought is circulating. My initial way to cope with this challenging situation was to do what I thought was right for US and our marriage. My sexual needs were being ignored, I brought it up and learned her libido was gone - (neither of us had a clue it might be due to her thyroid) - my response; adjust my own expectations and desire for sex. Easy? Not one little bit. Successful? Obviously a little too successful...

A few take-aways for me and anyone else following this thread:
1) Honesty, for better or worse is still the best policy. No one said it was easy to be honest or a victimless act.
2) Sometimes there are unseen reasons for why people change physically and emotionally. Coping with evolving emotional beings is (wait for it...) hard sometimes.
3) Sometimes the coping mechanisms you employ to try to contend with a loved one's changing emotional or physical state work and sometimes they have unforeseen side-effects.
4) No matter how much you love someone, things can still impact how much you are physically attracted to them. You can intellectualize it all you want, but when it comes right down to it, how you feel is how you feel. Do you repress that and go through the motions for the sake of sparing feelings? Maybe... Do you address that and try to work toward a solution? That's my take.

Yes - we discovered after a few years of coping with her low D and subsequent weight gain that there was an underlying reason for both. This after a LOT of effort was put into coping with this situation by both of us. I opted to find ways to decrease my libido, we both opted to go through the motions of having sex, but neither of us were very satisfied with the results.

Now we know that her issues were caused by a medical condition. GREAT! She is going to get better! Get more energy, be less depressed, lose weight... Yay! Oops... wait a minute... He shut down his sex drive... She has not really lost much weight at all and because of that he doesn't have a lot to work with to restart his drive. To top that off, her "overtures" are a lot more like 'whispers' that go almost undetected and when they are not answered, she does not restate.

You see - I know I am a jerk for telling her that I am not attracted to her. But the fact of the matter is that she is not attracted to herself either - and it shows in many ways. Yes, I spent a LOT of time saying, "hon, you are beautiful to me!" - but that was because she never asked directly if I was turned off by the weight and I new all to well that saying anything negative would be counter-productive and probably not lead to her doing whatever to make herself feel better about her weight.

I wish I could have said honestly that her weight did not negatively impact my libido. I also know that I am not the only one in our relationship who doesn't like what's happened to her body. I cannot make her do anything she doesn't want to do herself, but I can be honest and encouraging and supportive by being honesty, participating in helping her address her weight and being there for her in her efforts.

But what if she isn't interested in making any effort? Her drive is up, mine is down. I don't find her added weight appealing in any way. I know it's not her fault - OK... now what?

Here's what. I am going to find some morning workout programs on On Demand and other U-Verse channels and start getting up earlier and exercising. I am going to invite her to join me. I am going to do my level best to make this a regular part of our everyday routine from now on.

I have already started mentally re-starting my libido for her. I am reading things, starting to engage in some fantasy, getting over my own issues with weight and preparing myself to honestly enjoy having sex with her again. I may have to adopt a maintenance mentality with a good dose of acting for a bit, but my goal is to really want to do it with her - honestly and because I am attracted to her.

I feel like the worst of this is over. Again, I do appreciate everyone's input even those of you who called me things that I've been calling myself ever since this all started. I certainly cannot get angry with anyone who feels like I am a jerk when that's exactly how I feel as well.

Ultimately I hope to never have to hear her suggest that she could entertain the idea of sleeping with someone else. I am rather sure she only said it to hurt me - which sucks, but is far better than if she really meant it - just like what I said to her sucked too.

Love is a work in progress. Don't ever forget that.

Happy Valentine's Day! If things go well, I am going to try to give her a night she won't soon forget after the kiddies are in bed.


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## Saki (Dec 7, 2011)

"Her complaint is content free."

You need to reinterpret what she told you. 

She was not trying to say she wants another man.


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## Tango (Sep 30, 2012)

My H and I have been together for 19 years. we have two kids and a virtually sexless marriage. Shortly after our first child was born I had major back surgery that put me in a back brace for 6 months or so. During that time, my H was concerned about kneeing me in the back etc, that I slept in a different bed. It doesn't take much imagination to see what direction the relationship,was going (gee I love hindsight). When we got pregnant with the second, he moved to another bed.over the next ten years we kept getting further and further apart. I spent all my time fighting severe pain, dealing with the kids, taking care of everything but my marriage. I would ask him for sex but a girl can only be turned down so many times. I did quit asking him for a period of time and spent the next several years sleeping on the couch and getting scraps every once in a while when I thought he might be receptive. Fast forward to last summer, I start to have better pain control. I come to find out that my weight gain over the past ten years bothers him. He says to me " we've both gained weight and he's not feeling very attractive or attracted to me. OK?!?! I've lost about 25lbs......and I worked damn hard to get there. H......not so much. Won't go with me,doesn't really want to do any thing about his weight. But he keeps avoiding me. Haven't had sex since December 4. Gave him a valentine's card this morning with a homemade coupon for a total body massage. I got a comment on the card and nothing more. Every turn I feel rejected. He won't touch me, he barely kisses me, blah blah blah.. Time is ticking away here an I feel like asking him the same thing your W asked you. My reason might be a bit different. We had a "business meeting" before we got together. One of the areas we agreed on was that if we ever wanted to sleep with someone else, we would have enough respect for the other person to tell them. I don't want to sleep with anyone but my H. However, I really don't know how much longer I want to keep living like this. Throughout that ten year period the man never asked me to satisfy him - not once. I know he didn't cheat either. Because I was in so much pain and on so much medication, he didn't think he had a right to ask me for anything. That pain from being being rejected is absolutely soul destroying. I often sit here wondering if I'm too late to try and fix this. I just know that I can't go on living without physical affection. I don't think you telling you're ,W that her being overweight wasn't attractive to you, I thi k it. Was just the way you said it. I have paid attention to your reaction to her asking to sleep with someon else and I may reconsider this as an option. Afterall, my goal is to regain my relationship with my H,not having home visualizing me screwing someone else. Talk to her and maybe acknowledge that the way you said it wasn't the way you wanted it to come across, and at the same time continue to encourage her to keep losing weight. Good luck.


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## ChknNoodleSoup (Oct 20, 2012)

typical_male said:


> *To be clear, I am not looking for sympathy, I am looking for insight.*
> 
> *I don't think anyone can really know how something like this will impact you emotionally or psychologically until you are faced with it - and when that happens you discover that you are entirely unprepared to deal with the array of conflicting messages from both your spouse and yourself.
> *
> ...


I'm sorry, something about how you wrote it reminded me of stbx and let's face it, the man isn't my favorite right now. So I apologize if my post was jerk-ish. All I was trying to say is this. It's generally easier for men to lose weight than women. And there are no women-that I know of-that only had a pound or two to lose and preferred to cheat than to lose them. I didn't like the way it was phrased.

My stbx is anything but ideal physically to me. i like men with strong arms, broad shoulders and strong thighs. The man is a toothpick with a boy's chest. If I think about it, I'd never chose him out of a lineup to sleep with him. It was only an issue when I focused on it or when he was lousy in bed, but in general, it didn't bother me. Am I turned on by toothpick men? Hell, no. But he turned me on (at the time) for just being him. Maybe women and men are different, maybe I'm idealistic, I dunno. He was my first and only, so maybe that's part of it, too. I didn't have anything to compare it to in terms of attraction. 

Usually people don't eat to eat. Well, they don't start out that way. But after a while, it becomes a habit and then yeah, they eat to eat. Also, I find that overweight women who take care of themselves are more attractive as people and the focus of the weight isn't so highlighted. So maybe buy her nice (not super skinny) lingerie that you like to see her in, a new perfume, a shampoo with a smell you like. Something. Maybe if you aid her in that direction, you'll help her feel good enough about herself in your eyes to continue taking care of herself. I always told stbx, if he ever turned up the heat in the bedroom and then afterward we lay down and he told me how beautiful I was and that while he thinks I'm awesome, he'd love for me to lose a bit of weight to be less inhibited in the bedroom, I'd have done it in a heartbeat. But to tell a 140 pound woman at a size 8-10 that she "turned you off" was the ****tiest thing a lover can do.


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## Sunshine1234 (Aug 20, 2012)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Yeah, I don't want to hijack this thread either. Just felt like I could relate to his story. To answer the question though ... no, she simply doesn't like physical activity. That's another issue. I tend to enjoy things that involve physical activity and I've tried to involve her to no avail. There would be nothing better to me than share our time going on hikes, riding bikes, etc. We used to play tennis, softball and golf together. Physical activities. Those things amp me up ... hot. She has no interest. Watching TV does nothing for me. She also has physical limitations due to her weight. She can't stay on her feet for long. Her legs bother her due to nerve damage (yes, onset of diabetes is closely watched). She shakes her legs at night to deal with the discomfort and she is on a sleep machine due to weight induced apnea.
> 
> That's the thing. It is something I've struggled with for a long time and have tried SO many things. I don't want to be cruel to her. There is nothing I want more than to share a normal level of intimacy in my marriage. That's why threads like this always get my attention ... what am I missing in how I should handle this?
> 
> ...



I'm still waiting for you to start a new thread. Every time I read about your situation.... :banghead: 

I really hope you can make a change one way or another!


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## jameskimp (May 8, 2012)

You should have asked her if you could do the same. 

The way I see it now, is you got so hurt by her comment that you are forcing yourself to pretend to love and have sex with her fat body when you clearly don't.

Would an open marriage have worked ? Imagine a dream with you and a hot girl instead of a nightmare with your wife and another man.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

typical_male said:


> ...She confronted me with the fact that I don't seem interested in sex with her anymore - I admitted that my drive is all but nil and she asked if it was because of how she looked. Stupid me, I said, "well, yes. I have to admit that the weight does not turn me on."
> 
> She was hurt (of course!) - maybe she was lashing out, maybe she was serious, but she said, *"well, if you aren't going to touch me then can I go find it from someone else?* I need to feel attractive and part of that is being 'touched'..."
> 
> ...


I think you are to be praised for communicating your true feelings to her about having sex with her being so overweight.

I understand your feelings, you both should try to work on your marriage to find each other attractive again. Physical and emotional.

The fat would be a dealbreaker for me also, not to divorce, but to be repulsed by having sex with a too fat woman. It would become a sexless marriage, and that is a bad marriage.

Ultimately separation would be the case...


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## ChuckNorris (Feb 15, 2013)

I have two opinions on this really, I am very health oriented, 27, six pack abs, better body than I had when I was 18 by far. Even without working out, my job and diet will keep this up. I myself have never been able to sleep with a woman past the 145 mark unless she had an amazing backside, D+'s and a flat waist. I have always known that if my wife were to gain excessive amounts of weight, lets say 180+ that I would still love her, but could not find that attraction. Its one thing after children women react in different ways, if she were trying to lose it I would be supportive, work out with her, eat the diet foods etc. But if she gained after kids and made no effort, I may be able to have sex but could not enjoy it. I know some women may see the original poster in this thread as a pig, but he can't help his body. When he was single the thought of a being with a woman of that "stature" was not an option, its not what hes into obviously...so how is that supposed to change now? He wasn't the one wanting to cheat, in my book the man has morals. Considering attraction/intimacy is a huge thing in a relationship and if he doesn't feel it..I truly feel for him while admiring his faithfulness. Most men in his situation that I know would have long ago had a extramarital affair, or are thinking about it but don't have the heart to do it even though their hormones are saying yes. Have you ever seen a guy get thoroughly ripped by his spouse who is quite a bit larger than he, for checking out a smaller/more attractive girl? Do the wives ever do anything to change that? Does the realization that he likes what he sees ever come into play? Do they make an effort to make him want them more? I couldn't imagine letting myself get to the point that my spouse wasn't attracted or that I myself "my own worst critic" was unhappy with my body, not just for me but for who I am with. I hear all of these thyroid/diabetes/chronic pain excuses but they are just that, excuses in 90% of the cases...I see the women "and men" wolfing down cheeseburgers, fries, junk food and sodas like it was the end of the world, and then they give excuses to why they can't lose weight.

Now before any ladies send me cyanide capsules this is the other end of the token. This is something about guys that makes me go WHAT THE F***? ... when a guy with a hairy beer belly and plumbers crack calls a girl with a little bit of a pudge or love handles fat? Pot calling the kettle black eh? Or guys of 250+ lbs that are single at 30 or virgins at 25 because they "don't like fat girls" lol. That one gets me every time. I have always been health oriented, in the past dated a couple girls who "wanted to get into better shape" after we got together because it "made them feel bad about themselves" <- their quotes not mine, I comforted them but they still hit the gym or started eating better and in no time dropped that extra 5 or 10. Hypocrites are everywhere, but mostly in men. Although I do see more women gain weight after marriage "one of the reasons I avoided it", in some situations the men have to take a look in the mirror. But as a man, a woman that is bigger than you is generally a turn off, a big one. Almost any guy will tell you that, if a 200lb guy married a 120lb woman and then the woman hit 200...the guy certainly will not be as attracted, if even to his spouse. You both obviously liked what you signed up for, there was an attraction there and if either party wants that feeling to be mutual they will do what they can to maintain that. If not then no reason to blame the other for not being attractive/intimate.


Overall, regarding this post..I can see that OP's wife is still attracted to him "still wants to" but it is not his fault he feels the way he does and attempting to do so without want could definitely make her more upset "harder for men to fake it unless they have the little blue pill". He has tried several steps to make things better, not only is her weight effecting him, it is effecting her health. Maybe he could explain the fact that he is worried about her health, that he loves her and doesn't want her to be bed ridden, that he wants to grow old with her and not alone. Try working out with her, going on a mutual diet/exercise plan. If she sees that you are doing it she should feel bad not to. If you want to try to have intimacy with her, even with your lack of attraction you could try it in positions that make things better and don't show the parts that bother you, turning the lights down lower or off. Maybe get on the couch beside her, turn on a good skin flick and use it to your advantage. Just a few last words of wisdom that may help.


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## typical_male (Feb 11, 2013)

I have to thank the thread participants again. "Talking" this out here has helped me a great deal.

@ChknNoodleSoup - Sometimes you can be "right" and a jerk at the same time. I think in challenging emotional situations, that's the rule, not the exception - especially is being honest is important.

You also bring up an interesting point. Women too have some limits on what they find to be sexy. Please bear in mind that I too had to deal with the emotional implications of having a spouse who didn't find me to be desirable anymore. She didn't know it was hormonal - I didn't know that either. I did know that she didn't want to have sex anymore and it was really up to me to decide if I could live with that.

On top of all that, I knew that my body type, my hair, the way I like to have a bit of a beard (to compensate for the fact that all the hair on top of my head is gone) - I'm skinny, not toned - come on... am I really surprised that she's not all that turned on by me any more... nah... Based on her comment at the time, "...Oh... you're sexually frustrated because I've apparently gone frigid on you? Really? Wow... I thought we were in the same place and were both OK with not having sex anymore..."

The new movie that's out now where the husband asks the wife if they should have sex and she goes, "ugh... really?... yuck..." - all of that plays right into why I thought it was actually normal and expected to lose interest in sex with each other - AND that that didn't automatically mean the marriage was over.

She and I both were never voracious in our appetites for sex so the idea that two people for whom sex was never really a top-level priority to evolve into a relationship where sex is all but non-existent - NOT all that crazy and certainly NOT an indicator of marital failure.

So - there is a lot of legitimate justification for why both of us lost interest at some point. There is a lot of justification for the fact that the timing of each of our LD episodes was not ideal for the other and because of that, each of us have been emotionally wounded by the situation.

None of that really bothers me. I get all of it. The proposal of infidelity caught me significantly off guard, mostly because I never in a million years thought about that sort of thing. I never thought about cheating - ever. Sure, I've fantasized about other women privately - but I know the difference between fantasy and reality so I don't consider the idea that I've imagined what sex with someone else might be like on the same plane as suggesting actually doing it to fill the void of a LD episode.

To be completely honest, however, now that that particular bell has been rung and the initial shock and hurt feelings are starting to ebb - I almost feel like a new, somewhat more adventurous sex life may be opening up for us. I still cannot stomach the idea of her with another man - nor am I entertaining the idea of myself having sex with another woman - but the door to that taboo topic has been kicked open and the plethora of other interesting sexual possibilities have started to see the light of day. Other people being involved is probably not on the table - but other ways to make sex interesting and exciting for both of us most definitely are.

As for last night - Valentine's Day - the sexless spell still stands - but not for the same reasons it's stood to-date. Unfortunately the timing of her question that prompted my less-than-tactful, albeit honest reply that led to her unfortunate comment that led to my days and nights of envisioning her with other men - happened to also (coincidentally??) be when she started her period... Go figure...

OK - I think I walked into the ultimate man-unfriendly mine field imaginable. She's emotional because of PMS, a thyroid-less hormonal situation, low self-esteem due to weight gain, and a sudden desire to ask her hubby he finds her sexy in spite of all her unsexy flab...

Yes, I have am turned off by her fat. Yes, she did go there and ask and yes, I screwed up and answered honestly. BOOM! Yes, I want to fix the mess WE made. I diligently seek out advice and insight as well as begin to plan to try to make things better by turning up the heat in the bedroom like she clearly wants. Head up to bed really ready to make some moves and "SKREETCHHHH!" - what's that in the trash? Oh, man... even in the good days of sex all the time - this was a guaranteed no-sex week...

But I've heard that some women really like to have sex during their period... that it was actually even better for them or more desirable or whatever, so I have read a few threads here about that - which is something I've never been able to bring myself to be comfortable with - but even if I did want to "man up" and get over the fact that I am not turned on by her body and go for it - which I was whole-heartedly trying to do - we still have to wait for Aunt Flo to hit the road... Let's face it... LD is challenging enough to overcome with all the other factors in play here... Now that's part of the equation? Come on... what have I done to deserve this?

Wow... Married life is complicated. Maybe... just maybe tonight will be the night.


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## Sweetmaya (Feb 14, 2013)

She had 2 kids and thyroid problems.... 

How would you feel if you had to pass a watermelon TWICE trough your a*al hole and hurt like you are passing a stone, then fell like you have the flu all the time and when your wife comes home and says drop your pants and turn around, you muster any energy left, show her what the watermelon did and she says OMG! I am not attracted to that!


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## typical_male (Feb 11, 2013)

Sweetmaya said:


> She had 2 kids and thyroid problems....
> 
> How would you feel if you had to pass a watermelon TWICE trough your a*al hole and hurt like you are passing a stone, then fell like you have the flu all the time and when your wife comes home and says drop your pants and turn around, you muster any energy left, show her what the watermelon did and she says OMG! I am not attracted to that!


Yeah - I know. We have already established that I am a jerk for saying what I said.

I don't (and never did) need to be told that her pregnancy, thyroid issues, life in general play a huge role in why she's out of shape. I also didn't really need to be told that women can be emotional or that telling her the truth about how I felt about her weight, when asked, would upset her.

You see, the complexity here is that in spite of all the legitimate reasons for her physical condition, hurt feelings and for my low drive, there is still the underlying fact that I learned how to go without _for_ her a long time ago, that her libido never really did return until just recently, and that I am not turned on by her body the way it is today. Neither is she. Why would she expect me to be when even she isn't?

You and others who are so quick to get angry and start telling me to "think about her" - are yelling at the choir. Part of the reason much of this happened as it did is a direct result of thinking of her and her feelings. But that had unforeseen consequences that made it easier for me to ignore her need for intimacy.

So do me a favor and look past the obvious and try considering some of the more esoteric challenges that real couples face when dealing with genuine honesty and real feelings. Sometimes the people involved are not hateful, spiteful morons who just like venting their bile on each other.

I literally just received a text from my loving wife a few minutes ago thanking me how sweet I have been to her - as if I needed thanking! I never wanted to hurt her feelings - that just sort of happened and escalated. I felt wrong about saying something like "you're welcome..." back to her, as if being sweet to her is some sort of 'above and beyond' thing...

- I told her that she deserved to be treated sweetly and it's my pleasure to do so.

I am really looking forward to getting home tonight.


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## Saki (Dec 7, 2011)

Saki said:


> "Her complaint is content free."
> 
> You need to reinterpret what she told you.
> 
> She was not trying to say she wants another man.


EDIT - so, what do you think she was trying to say?


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## typical_male (Feb 11, 2013)

Saki said:


> EDIT - so, what do you think she was trying to say?


A lot of things, but mainly this...

"I don't like the way I look and you have not been interested in sex. I don't want to know that you are turned off, but I do, but if you will make love to me, I'll at least feel desirable."

In a nutshell.

She actually said to me, "I need to be touched to feel desirable - and if you won't touch me, do you care if I go to someone else?" Verbatim.

So really - I fully got the gist - that she misses my touch. That she wants me to tell her I find her desirable and show her by having sex with her... I miss all that too. You have to also consider the order of events here, however.

We had not been fighting. We had been 'normal' and 'happy' for a long time - just relatively sexless. Yes, both of us were tired and overwhelmed with work, kids, more work, other kids, etc... If I wanted it, she didn't... If she wanted it, I didn't... Neither of us pushed the issue because, let's face it, we were both tired and when it came to sex or sleep, we both were OK with sleep when sex just wasn't top of the charts...

And to quote her, "I thought we were both in the same place with this ultra-minimal sex thing..."

But we were and are and always will be a team. Sure we'd like to both have more energy and be sexy people and find each other to be sexually desirable - and all that, but life is very demanding these days - circumstances - hormones - psychology - all of that welled up and got us to that bad, bad day last week.

It just so happens that she was feeling particularly down that day - quite probably due to hormones - and decided to confront me about my true feelings about her body. The rest is history, so to speak.

From my angle, I was somewhat blindsided by a hard-core, and very direct question - but I opted to be truthful because I really hoped, as hard as answering truthfully was, that it would be the beginning of a change - for both of us - so that BOTH of us could feel really good about sex with each other again.

I have to admit, as much as I knew it would upset her, and as much as I did NOT want it to do so, I had no clue that the very next step would be her asking if it's OK to sleep around...

And it obviously still bothers me and probably will for quite some time. I am not under any impression that because we are working on things that what she said is going to just go away. Believe me, if I could erase that and if she were actually able to convince me that she only said that to make me jealous or mad or upset - I'd go with that rather than the gut-wrenching flashes I get when my guard is down.

As much as I hate that what I said hurt so much, It was the truthful answer to her question. She asked a direct, detailed and obviously pointed question that she damn well already knew the answer to - and I didn't take the easy way out and lie - and I would do it again if asked. I hope like hell she cannot say the same thing about what she chose to say to me - but even if she can, I am committed to finding a way to make things work with her, whatever that means.

If she can't, I hope like hell she considers the difference between saying something true, hard and hurtful out of love and an honest desire to hopefully work on things and saying something false, mean and spiteful out of hate with an honest desire to hurt someone deeply.


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## typical_male (Feb 11, 2013)

Brief update: We had a great night Saturday - I am glad I came here (TAM) to help get my head together and not make things worse.

I am also glad I spent the last week doing some research into new ways to make our 'play time' better. We did break the cold spell, I am very happy to say - and even if the 'pay off' was a little one-sided in her favor (which is totally OK for now) she was very happy and I enjoyed every minute.

I payed extra attention to saying and doing things that showed her how beautiful she is to me. Yes, there is still the 'issue' that spawned all of the ugliness between us, but we are not avoiding each other in bed anymore and I have found a few ways to make that issue a non-issue. As a matter of course, I am going to continue to do more research into ways to spice things up. Believe me when I tell you that a little role-playing can go a LONG way even if only one of us was playing a role. I am pretty certain she picked up on the 'newness' of my approach and even recognized where these ideas originated (highly recommend scanning "50 Shades" - there are some very accessible tips contained therein even for us 'typical', rather traditional guys - in other words, you don't have to be a p-star to add a little Grey to your play...) and from what I can tell, she appreciated my performance - _more than once_ which is a first for us, as far as I know!

Yes - there was some drinking involved which for her makes things that much better but for me makes things a little more challenging. I was intent on making sure we both really enjoyed our play time and the lack of 'payoff' for me in the end was not an issue at all. I enjoyed bringing on the fantasy more than even I expected and I honestly can't wait to do more of the same - soon!

Thanks again to everyone! I genuinely appreciate your help and the chance to get this all off my chest!


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Mr. Male, glad to hear things finally worked out for you.. although we didn't quite understand how did you finally worked it out, but, hey, whatever floats your boat! Here, a toast for your better future with your beloved wife!


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## typical_male (Feb 11, 2013)

john_lord_b3 said:


> Mr. Male, glad to hear things finally worked out for you.. *although we didn't quite understand how did you finally worked it out*, but, hey, whatever floats your boat! Here, a toast for your better future with your beloved wife!


Oh, don't get me wrong. The thing that got all of this started is still somewhat unresolved and won't be resolved for a while, obviously. What did happen is that we both obviously decided to try a little harder to reignite our sex life. What she said to me still lingers - as does what I said to her.

What did change for me is my own attitude about sex and I realized that I have a great deal of control over how I feel about her, sexually. Yes, her added weight still does not turn me on - and I don't expect it ever will - and if she asks again how I feel about it I will have to be honest again. I am just not turned on by excessive belly rolls and back fat... I am not abnormal - I do love my wife - I am not turned on by her body as it is today regardless of how or why it got that way.

I am also still bothered by what she said to me and in weaker moments I am rather sure these things will come back to haunt us and we both have some soul-searching to do regarding all that. We have both learned some hard lessons about communication, honesty, sexuality and fidelity. It's a work in progress and we are progressing in the right direction as far as I can tell.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

mineforever said:


> I can't believe how cruel.... thyroid issue cause major depression, you lose your hair ( i lost so much hair I had to cut 28 inches off because it looked so thin), gain weight no matter how much dieting and exercise you do (i am a vegitarian and exercise daily ..gained 100 lbs), cause insomnia, exhaution and fatigue (lost so much sleep I was diagnoised with sleep deprivation)...and they destroy your sex drive completely (went from intercouse 3-4 times a week to once every other week...though he got a lot bj's about every other day, I had no interest in him reciprocating though).
> 
> Post surgery...sex brives back and stronger than ever...got to love that synthriod. The meds can take from 6months to 3 years to kick in and regulate completely. I starved myself litterly for 6 months after surgery because the doctor told me on average people gain 30 lbs after thyroid surgery. ..no way was I gaining anymore weight. I ate 500 calories a day, I didn't lose weight...but I didn't gain any. My husbands never once let me feel ugly or unloved...after surgery he took me to "lovers lane" and bought me $500 worth of sexy lingerie and toys and then to the jewlery store for a necklace to cover my hangmans necktie scar.
> 
> ...


Once you get thin and sexy please don't do what some other women have done and dump your loving hubby to go after other men to feed you new and improved ego. 

Seen way too many of those stories on this forum.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## typical_male (Feb 11, 2013)

@Huuva - I'd like to address a few of your comments:



Huuva said:


> ...
> I bring this up because the book talks about withholding sex is equivalent to adultry. Intimacy is the most important part of what separates two friends from husband and wife.
> ...



I'll keep that book in mind. I reject the "Adultery" comparison as not relevant to our situation. No one was 'holding sex hostage for personal gain' here, as the phrase 'withholding sex' implies. We were not responding to each other, we were not purposefully denying each other... A nuance, I know, but there is a real difference when it comes to malicious intent versus getting signals crossed. Please remember - I NEVER told my wife, "You need to lose weight or I will not do you..." and she never told me, "I don't want to have sex with YOU anymore..." she just didn't want sex due to LD for many reasons, none of which were that she didn't love or want me...

I'd like to offer that it is entirely possible that couples who are able to be honest with each other may be able to work out their problems together, provided they have the communication skills and desire to succeed. We do and we are (working on it, that is).

What I am taking away from our situation is that even though telling the truth can hurt, it's still better than the alternative. I hated saying what I said. I am SURE she did too. Why is that my take-away? Because we _are_ talking about it with each other openly and honestly - as challenging as that may be - and it's working. We are making progress - not digging our hole deeper.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

ba. it.45 said:


> Once you get thin and sexy please don't do what some other women have done and dump your loving hubby to go after other men to feed you new and improved ego.
> 
> Seen way too many of those stories on this forum.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Bandit.45 No problem there, my hubster is one big beautiful man. I have been chasing him around the bed for 30 yrs, no plans of breaking in a new model now that this one is trained so good! ;-)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Just do it. Have sex with her, if you can. The exercise might do her good, help her lose weight, too.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

II can't say that I don't prefer a woman with a nice figure in dresses and bathing suits, but you can still have good sex with a heavier woman. 

I think you should go back to trying sex and being nice about it. One suspects that restoration of a normal sex life may be the first step to her losing weight. She needs to have a healthy self-image. Would she do some things to you.


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## Cobre (Feb 24, 2013)

The encouraging her to lose weight is agreed, not only from a physical sexual attraction but an overall health gain it brings with it.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Typical male ... didn't know if you were still out there or not but thought I would look up this old thread and give it a shot. I remembered you saying your wife had thyroid issues and gained a lot of weight due to it...I can relate. My endocrinologist put me on a new med the other day for thyroid and diabetes patients who need to lose weight. They have finally come out with a drug to help diebetics and thyroid patients with weight lose. It increases the matabolism and decreases appetite. You have to go through a endo to get it and it can only be gotten via email pharmacy...it is so new it is not available in regular pharmacists. I have been on it for a couple of weeks and it works really well...has a lot of side effects you will want to look at though. Medication is called Qsymia
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> Wow, talk about dejavu!!!
> 
> My wife is also a larger woman. When she bends over, her butt also sticks out. I was even asked once, when is your wife due? I told them, she's not due.......how embarrassing to me!!!
> 
> ...


Wow, it sounds like your wife and my wife should be buds. 

My wife weighs about 330lbs. She is morbidly obese and there are times I look at her and think ... yeesh. She is also LD and I'm HD ... she does not have thyroid problems or any medical condition that would prevent her from losing weight. 

I don't want to talk about my situation anymore. Not fair to OP. I am very interested in the wide array of responses.


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## totallywarped (Jan 26, 2013)

chillymorn said:


> double standard when he was interested she rejected him. now that shes interested he should jump for joy at the chance to bang a fat women.....who rejected him in the first place.
> 
> not that you handled it in a good way.


apples and oranges  she wasn't interested bc of a medical condition He's not interested bc she got fat. Op sex isn't just about attraction you obviously feel more than that for her why aren't you focusing on those things during sex? You haven't said how much weight she's gained. Just curious some men act like 20 pounds is the end of the world. Anyways I got off track, try making healthy dinners or joining a gym and going TOGETHER. Hubby is bigger than I'd like him to be so I have sympathy for you but there are many reasons I love him and I focus on those during sex. (btw candle light is very sexy and hides many flaws  )


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