# So Lost, So Confused ...



## Lost_It_All (Jun 11, 2011)

Hey everyone I need some solid advise as I am so confused over where my life is and where its going. My wife, whom I still am madly in love with has told me she wants out. Let me give you some background. 
We have been married for 6 years and together for a total of 11, we have a 4 year old daughter who means the world to us both and we have never had a big time fight/screaming match. About 3 months after we got married my mother inlaw passed away from cancer and at that time my wife was destroyed. I tried to be there and comfort her, but she insisted she was fine. Out relationship was really bad, bad enough for me to have an EA. I did not try to hide it only wanted my wife to realize that I am still here and around. I went to therapy on my wifes request and realized all the reasons I did what I did and why I did them in the way I did. My wife forgave me and we moved to the south and had our daughter. Two years ago I lost my job and was out of work for a year. My wife traveled during the week for 6 months of that time frame so I watched our little girl. I really fell into a deep depression and did not even realize it. Finally I got a job after a year, but it was a plane ride away and my wife was happy with her job and did not want to leave. So I moved up there and flew back for 10 days a month. Things seemed to be going as best as they could, I literally worked like a mad man and sat by the phone every night waiting to talk/skype/facetime with them, which we did. I came home for three weeks and we had a great time, then went back to Buffalo and two weeks later got a we need to talk text. 
That was the beginning of May, so I flew down first thing in the morning to work this out. It did not go the way I wanted it to and she said she does not love me and took her rings off. I was destroyed as for the past four years I have been 100% dedicated to my family and they are my everything. She says she has grown independent and just wants more with her life after living a crappy last two years with me. I can see her point but I am now living back down in GA and want to make this work. She moved to the upstairs and cleared out all of the photos of the two of us in the house. I was crushed when I walked in and saw everything that I felt made me complete gone. My daughter is only 4 so she is not getting the whole concept and I just want to make things work, is there any way to get her to give this family a shot and a normal relationship. Up until May I thought we had a wonderful marriage, did I just have my blinders on ? I am just lost and in so much pain, I am just reaching out for some advise.


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

It sounds like both you and your wife have been through some pretty stressful times. I don't know if it is possible, but I would look for a job that is closer to home even if you have to take a drastic paycut. Spending time together is important for a marriage (even though sometimes circumstances may make it difficult). I think women need things like time together as a family, face to face conversation, and affection (ladies, you can correct me if I am wrong). Those things are difficult to do when you spend 3+ weeks a month away from home.
I would also keep working on yourself. Make sure you are getting enough exercise and eating right. Make sure you are able to spend some time with friends (Appropriately of course. Do not get involved with anyone or anything that would lead to an affair--emotionally, physically, or sexually. You already learned that lesson once). It sounds like you are literally working yourself to the death of your marriage.


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## Gabriel527 (Jun 9, 2011)

My husband just did the same thing to me. I thought we were fine, I am madly in love, and he says he doesn't love me and wants out. I have been asking and asking for advice and all I am getting is to let her have some space and see if this new independence is what she really wants. It is most likely that she will realize the place you hold in the family and want you back. No one should ever split up a marriage with children if they can help. She has to know that. Keep your hope alive and be very patient and do not beg, that is all we can do.


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

I agree with Gabriel. Your wife needs to figure some things out. If you come across as clingy or needy, it will probably only push her away even more. She is not able to meet your emotional needs right now. I would turn to a *trusted* counselor or pastor/priest. Turning to your family to talk about this could be helpful, though it could also be detrimental to the relationship if it is able to work out.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

LIA, once again I relate so strongly to someone else's story, in this case yours: my wife of 6.5 years lost her mom to cancer (before we started dating but after we first met as coworkers) we have a 4 year old son, and we too have never had any big fights. Out of the blue mine said she wants out of the marriage and that she had "checked out" already. Sure, we were both burnt out from the grind of life, I was on autopilot, she was always complaining how miserable she was, though for so long neither of us had gone out of the marriage. However I was still madly in love with her despite a couple years of her not really putting her heart into its. And the sex was really great when we actually had it but it was turning into a sexless relationship.

I'm not trying to scare you or shock you, and I hope I'm wrong about this, but I want you to prepare yourself for the possibility she is having a PA with someone, for several reasons: I see warning signs in your story such as taking rings off, hiding photos, from reading stories on these boards it is way too common (I think the biological factor and social structures are very powerful influences on extra-marital pressures), in my case I never saw it coming but when she said she was checked out it was devastating... it took me a couple days to process and the only thing that made sense was she was having a PA with an OM - despite all the reassurances of our mutual friends (that she is just burnt out, needs time to herself etc) My suspicions were true, and in the worst possible sort of way.

I honestly and truly hope that is not your situation but for me up to the very moment I found the evidence there was no way I would believe it for real, and it made it that much more painful to accept. It is devastating, and I write this because I wish I had been prepared for the reality. If I am wrong I am so sorry for offending and be grateful that you don't have that issue to contend with, may even give you lots to work with especially if you can follow the good advice from people on this forum like Riverside MFT above.

I pray for a successful outcome for you, no matter what the problem your marriage is facing.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

"Probably only push her away" It will push her away.

No matter how hard it is you must show confidence in your self. give her the perseption that you are stronger then her and will move on with out her if she can't commit to keeping her vows.

Showing strenght... almost a arragance about how you are commited to not letting her crap bring you down. If you can give her the peception that your stonge enough to move on with out her it will bring the pressure on her to make a decision.... second guess her self if you will. 

Don't tell her your willing to change, but show her. Show her a confident man that will raise your kid with or with out her, getting her to believe that its her and her alone that is #1 not keeping her vows and #2 distoying the family for her own "space"

This sh*t ant easy and by no means sit back and let her empower her self by having you beg and plead for her. Show her you have enough balls to carry on and you will not let her problem drag you and your daughter down with her.

So empower your self by showing her a changed man a confident man that can move on and be a sucessful father. Leaving her doubting her self and the dicisions she is making. She will drag it on foever if she for one minute thinks you will do anything for the marriage to work.

Don't get me wrong, letting her know that you value the marriage but be firm and fair that you are confident enought to have boundries that will prevent you from additional pain that she will cause. 

Just keep in mind people want what they think they can't have, and women find confident men addractive.

Its not what knocks you down that matters, its how you get back up that counts. As weak as you feel you most take care of your health, your kid is counting on you.

You can't control her so don't try but you can control how you act and how you behave. so make the changes that you can control, there by making her second guess her dicisions.

Man, you must find the strenght to stand up and prevent her negitive attidute from bring you down. Be positive and do not let this crap beat you. You diserve to be happy and you diserve good things do not let your wife take that from you.


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## Lost_It_All (Jun 11, 2011)

Thanks for the advise and its hard, I have moved back home, if you want to call it that and I am trying to be brave. Because the housing market is so bad we decided to be roommates for the next couple of months while we prep the house to be sold. I look at her and see everything that I want and I can tell by the way she looks at me that I am so not what she wants. I guess inside I know she is over me, but there is such a part of me that knows if she would just give this marriage a chance it could be saved, only she wants out. To quote her "she has found her independence that she never knew she had and likes who its made her". That is great to hear I only wish she could incorporate me into her new independence. Like you all said I am living here now and I am hoping maybe if she is around me again and sees the man that I am with our daughter she might have a change of heart. I just for the life of me cannot see why she thinks the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. With me she has someone who loves her unconditionally and is there for her. We together can raise our daughter and provide a home again in this house, but she has to be willing to try and as of now that is not the case. I am meeting with her therapist on Thursday and then following week all three of us are getting together so maybe between those two visits I might have a better understanding as to why this is all happening. All in all I thank everyone for their advise and reading other peoples stories on the board helps me knowing that others have gotten through this and come out the other side hurt, but surviving.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

LIA, yeah I think I know how left out you feel now she's "independent" and it can be so frustrating that so much of their "independence" is at the expense of all the blood sweat and tears you have both put in together. My wife also can not see how green the grass really is on our side because she has somehow put up blinders or let the world tell her what is best for her instead of having trust and faith in her own decisions to have a life with me. I am scared for when she hits bottom because I know dealing with her will be a difficult task, so I am preparing myself now to be the person I want to be to have the strength and confidence to stand up for my principles when her path doesn't turn out the way she wants it to if she hasn't truly relinquished the dependence on me that has enabled her to choose that lifestyle in the first place. Or then again maybe she really won't look back, in which case good for her and me, we can maybe both get on with enjoying life again.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I suggest you push it along, her independence I mean. Have you seperated her finances? Have you closed all joint account?

I hope you now that she can really see the unconditional love you have for her, just by your post she knows who has the power. She see you as the same person see fell out of love with, and she continues to to see the husband that will tolorate her behavior.

I'm sorry I just do not see you changing. If you do deside to change do it not for her but for your self. It seems you are a hurt puppy waiting for her scraps.

Trust me when I tell you this painful crap will be easier to tolorate if you focus on your self fo now, that is the best way to get through. Not only does it show a changed man to your wife but it gives you some sense of control back in your day to day life.

I also recommend if independence is what she want, well give her a taste of it by closing all joint accounts and policies. Face it as long as you play nice with her there is no reason for her to question her dicisions. In my opinion you sure are making it convienent for her to leave the marriage. I just don't get it, you said your self she already checked out, and your still affraid to make the chaanges in your self that will show her a firm and confident man b/c you might push her away, dude she sounds gone allready.

You are wishing and hoping and wondering about things you have no control over.

Good luck at the IC and start reading up...there's alot out there that can help you fight this. So please do not sit around with a "wo as me" additude get up and make the changes that will help relieve some of the major pain you have.


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