# Regaining confidence after infidelity



## GAP (Apr 3, 2017)

I got an anonymous letter last year telling me my husband of then 2 years (been in relationship for 13 years) had been seeing someone else.

I have taken it really hard, I have lost a lot confidence and have been to couples counselling together and more recently I have been going alone to work on myself.

It has been like grieving a loss. We were childhood sweethearts and have only ever loved each other and I was naive to think nothing like this could ever affect us.

I still battle with insecurities regularly, I sometimes feel like people know and I feel paranoid. I have also discovered how very few people will be there for you in your hours of need. My counsellor said its obvious despite what happened that my husband adores me, but I can't help but feel like I'm waiting for the ground to fall from beneath me. When someone does an unloving act and goes outside of your relationship its very hard to feel loved. 

I am wondering if anyone else has had the shock of an anonymous letter and not actually finding out about an affair yourself, how did you build your confidence back up and handle the emotional devastation. I have accepted what happened and in a way at least now I know so we can move forward and try and learn from our mistakes that contributed to why it happened, but at the moment I am really struggling with 'me'. I don't know how to build myself back up and start to feel happy from the inside out.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Why is your self confidence affected? Your H broke your trust, betrayed his own honor, broke solemn vows indicating his word is worthless and it is you that has lost confidence in yourself? What confidence exactly? In your ability to attract/hold a man? Your H is a poor example of manhood and therefore not an accurate gauge for this measurement. You are not using sound data to compile your results. You are honorable, trustworthy and have integrity, how does that in any way indicate a reason for losing confidence?

What you have lost are your rose colored glasses that allowed you to believe that being honorable, loyal and having integrity prevents others from losing. or never having to begin with, theirs. It is your H that should be insecure in that it is only out of the generosity of your good nature that he and you are still together. He has the ability to attract other women but of what caliber? He only has a woman of your high character because of that very character and your propensity to try and empathize and understand. It is he that is on very thin ice, do not let him skate too much.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I agree that being an undue and unsuspecting victim of infidelity, collusion, gross deception, and cheating is a lot like living through the unexpected death of a spouse ~ it just hits you right in the center of the solar plexus just like an unforeseen sucker punch!

But having said that, don't ever let that even begin to compromise your self confidence! What happened to you was not, at all, your fault! Why blame yourself?

Like the death of a spouse, you will need an inordinate amount to adequately grieve that loss, and over the due course of time, find sustainable recovery to be able to reach out and find that special person who will come to truly love you for the very special, trusting person that you are! *


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

I received an anonymous letter the week before my husband and I married that said he was having an affair with someone from his past, that I shouldn’t marry him because he was a liar and that she was pregnant and people were starting to find out about them. My husband was at work that day. I called him crying, shaking uncontrollably, a complete mess. It was the day of my bachelorette party. I didn’t know what to do. He assured me he was not seeing anyone else, that it was crap. When he got home from work that day he hugged and held me, promised me it wasn’t true. We have a friend who is a police detective. He talked to him, asked him if he could have the letter fingerprinted. He said he would do it. That set my mind at ease. A week later it wasn’t done, we were getting married, but I believed him because he was having the letter fingerprinted. He surely wouldn’t go to those lengths if he was really cheating, right? After we got married, the letter still wasn’t fingerprinted. We asked our detective friend and he said it just wasn’t a priority right then (understandable). Luckily for my piece of mind, my sister in law is an alcohol and drug counselor for a state run facility. They have the capability to fingerprint as well and she was able to do it for us. UNFORTUNATELY, it came back with no matches. That was disappointing, but the fact that my husband went to such great lengths to get the fingerprints done convinced me that he was not having an affair. 

I had 3 suspected people that I thought could have sent the letter. My ex husband, his ex girlfriend and a guy that was a friend of ours that had a bit of a crush on me (that last suspicion didn’t really pop up until much, much later). 

Now please understand…my husband had already done other things to arouse my suspicion and hurt me. Talking to the ex girlfriend against my wishes, asking an old flame for pictures of her boobs, talking to girls on MySpace, excessive porn use, etc. But stupidly I just kept believing that this stuff would stop once we got married. 

Our 9 year wedding anniversary is next month. This previous October we separated. The October before that we separated. He HAS cheated, at least over the last year and a half, with his ex girlfriend. I now wonder more than ever if that letter WAS true. I wonder if the girl he supposedly got pregnant lost the baby or if he has a child somewhere that I don’t know about. I look at pictures of his ex girlfriends kids and try to see if they look like him. My husband has red hair. His ex girlfriend is mixed black and white. Her ex husband is mixed black and white. Her kids APPEAR mixed black and white with no red hair traits, but I still STARE. Her son looks like his dad, but her daughter? She doesn’t look like either of them. I constantly question that letter. 

My self esteem is in the toilet. I’m not a bad looking woman, but I analyze my looks constantly. My body. My personality. How I am in bed. My cooking. My cleaning. EVERY single thing about myself. It’s been a LONG 9 years after receiving that letter……


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## adegirl2016 (Dec 14, 2016)

I understand your pain. My confidence has gone down the drain as well. I was pregnant when it happened. A week before my due date. 3 months post partum right now. I've lost almost all of the weight, but I analyze every part of my body. This chick was younger than me with no kids, so I'm sure she still had a great body. 

I used to take pride in my ability to work, be a student, and take care of our children and home. Despite all that I did outside of the home, I did my best to still do all of his laundry, iron his clothes, keep our house immaculate. Tried to be adventurous in bed, but his mind was elsewhere so we didn't have a lot of sex. Now, I realize none of this matters. So I don't give a ****. He still cheated no matter how good of a mom and wife I tried to be. I don't do his laundry. I don't obsess over the house cleaning. In a way, this has kind of let me chill out about my "wife duties".
My main thing now is my body. It sucks. But I have started going to the gym almost everyday, eating healthy, and taking more time to myself. It has helped some. But when I have flashbacks, I get all depressed again. It's hard. 

I know I am no help. But I will follow in hopes of some encouragement as well. Just wanted you to know it's normal and you are not alone.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Perhaps it's not completely a matter of lack of confidence on your part. Perhaps you arent sure you want to reconcile with someone who has done something so unloving and disrespectful, but you're afraid of the alternative since you've known nothing else?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

NoChoice said:


> OP,
> Why is your self confidence affected? Your H broke your trust, betrayed his own honor, broke solemn vows indicating his word is worthless and it is you that has lost confidence in yourself? What confidence exactly? In your ability to attract/hold a man? Your H is a poor example of manhood and therefore not an accurate gauge for this measurement. You are not using sound data to compile your results. You are honorable, trustworthy and have integrity, how does that in any way indicate a reason for losing confidence?
> 
> What you have lost are your rose colored glasses that allowed you to believe that being honorable, loyal and having integrity prevents others from losing. or never having to begin with, theirs. It is your H that should be insecure in that it is only out of the generosity of your good nature that he and you are still together. He has the ability to attract other women but of what caliber? He only has a woman of your high character because of that very character and your propensity to try and empathize and understand. It is he that is on very thin ice, do not let him skate too much.


No Choice is correct. Your confidence should not hinge on your H's fidelity. His choice to cheat is on him and is a reflection of his character and his values - not yours. 

The analogy of death here has some merit. 

Sit down and think about what you would do if your H were to get suddenly killed in a car wreck on his way home from work. What would you do?

There would be the initial shock and horror. There would be grief. There would be the work and labor of making all the arrangements and having the funeral etc. Then there would be the arduous task of working out all the mechanics of daily living and the financials and the day to day tasks of getting back to daily living under the new normal. 

In time you would be living as a single woman, taking care of yourself and your family and taking care of business. You would start getting out and doing things with friends and family. You would shift your thought processes from 'We' to 'Me.' 

And you would start taking care of yourself, dressing better, eating better, getting some exercise/hitting gym, indulging in hobbies and getting out with friends and family etc. 

And in time you would start catching the eyes of various gentlemen and in time dating etc.

Somewhere in there whether it was weeks, months or even a year or so, you would realize that life was good and you felt content and happy and confident etc. 

You may always feel some grief and sadness in what was lost, but you moved on a created a new life that was fulfilling and fun and joyful and content inspite of all of the ups and downs of living. 

It's not like you went to a store and bought it, or that you got online and ordered it and it's not like you went to a shrink or a clergy and they bestowed it upon you. 

It is that you engaged in daily living, took care of business and took care of yourself. THAT is where actual confidence comes from. 

You don't get confidence from your spouse's fidelity. There for a spouse's infidelity cannot destroy it. 

You get confidence from taking care of yourself and taking care of the business of your life and doing things that are beneficial to you. 

There for the name of the game here with this situation is do the same thing here. Start taking care of yourself and start taking care of your business and doing things with your life that are beneficial to YOU. Start living life as if you were a single woman/single mother and start doing things for YOU. 

As you start taking more and more responsibility for yourself and your own well being, your confidence will come. 

If your husband actually is a decent man and supports that and works with you and works with you to create a beneficial and positive life for the two of you, then you may decide to keep him around inspite of his previous bad behavior. 

BUT, if he continues to cheat or mistreats you in any way or hampers or detracts from you taking care of yourself, then you'll have the strength and confidence and resources to walk away and leave him behind. 

Dealing with the death of a spouse and dealing with mistreatment by a spouse are one in the same.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

GAP
I say this to every betrayed spouse that I have encountered over the years; This was never about you. He is the one missing a part of his soul. He is the one seriously lacking in ethics. You are the innocent victim of infidelity. Do not beat yourself up, you did not cause this.

Pure and simple mistreatment at the hands of the one person who vowed never to betray you. Please do not turn your anger inward. It never was your fault.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

GAP said:


> I got an anonymous letter last year telling me my husband of then 2 years (been in relationship for 13 years) had been seeing someone else.
> 
> I have taken it really hard, I have lost a lot confidence and have been to couples counselling together and more recently I have been going alone to work on myself.
> 
> It has been like grieving a loss. We were childhood sweethearts and have only ever loved each other and I was naive to think nothing like this could ever affect us.


You're grieving because you've lost something precious- the belief that you had a good marriage. There is nothing naive about believing in your marriage. Your husband has broken his vows and your trust. He has betrayed you. You have every right to grieve your marriage.

Good for you for getting into IC. Anyone in your position who cared about their marriage and believed in it would take this hard. You need time to grieve the marriage you had, and to decide what is best for you. I'd recommend taking time and space from your husband until you decide what you want to do, after working through it with your therapist. Your husband has done great damage to you and your marriage.


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

I get it, I had the same. It wasn't so much from finding out, it was more the "what did I do so wrong" part that got to me and killed my confidence. I have since been working on rebuilding myself and I do feel great again, but there are days where for whatever reason everything feeling likes it's crashing down again.


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## Youngwife1000 (Mar 26, 2017)

adegirl2016 said:


> I understand your pain. My confidence has gone down the drain as well. I was pregnant when it happened. A week before my due date. 3 months post partum right now. I've lost almost all of the weight, but I analyze every part of my body. This chick was younger than me with no kids, so I'm sure she still had a great body.
> 
> I used to take pride in my ability to work, be a student, and take care of our children and home. Despite all that I did outside of the home, I did my best to still do all of his laundry, iron his clothes, keep our house immaculate. Tried to be adventurous in bed, but his mind was elsewhere so we didn't have a lot of sex. Now, I realize none of this matters. So I don't give a ****. He still cheated no matter how good of a mom and wife I tried to be. I don't do his laundry. I don't obsess over the house cleaning. In a way, this has kind of let me chill out about my "wife duties".
> My main thing now is my body. It sucks. But I have started going to the gym almost everyday, eating healthy, and taking more time to myself. It has helped some. But when I have flashbacks, I get all depressed again. It's hard.
> ...


Have you stayed with him? I'm in my 3 week of finding out my husband cheated, and I was wondering if it's possible to move forward. X


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## adegirl2016 (Dec 14, 2016)

Youngwife1000 said:


> adegirl2016 said:
> 
> 
> > I understand your pain. My confidence has gone down the drain as well. I was pregnant when it happened. A week before my due date. 3 months post partum right now. I've lost almost all of the weight, but I analyze every part of my body. This chick was younger than me with no kids, so I'm sure she still had a great body.
> ...


It has been a few months. Dday was December 11th. I am 90 percent sure I will leave in June. Waiting for financial reasons. Seeing a therapist in the mean time. I honestly don't think I'll get past the pain unless I leave. The pain isn't as constant now that it's been a few months, but when it does come, it's bad. There are good days and bad days. Today has been a rough day.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I did IC after I kicked him out. 

The very first thing you need to do is try to figure out if you even want to try to R with him. How is he acting? What is he doing for you? Has he been STD tested? Have you? Is he groveling?

I will try to relay something my counselor asked me. He told me to imagine I was climbing a cliff. It's a very difficult cliff, it's very tall and very exhausting and difficult. I've been climbing it for a long time, but I keep going because I know that at the top I can rest. I know that at the top there's a nice big huge comfy couch that I can sink into and rest and all my cares will float away when I do. But first I have to conquer the cliff. 

He said to close my eyes and imagine climbing that cliff, and to envision that couch at the top. He took me through some breathing stuff and whatnot, then after a couple of minutes he told me to finish my climb and tell him what I saw at the top - whether anyone else was in that couch or if it was empty. When hubby was in it, I knew that I wanted to try R.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

Hope1964 said:


> I did IC after I kicked him out.
> 
> The very first thing you need to do is try to figure out if you even want to try to R with him. How is he acting? What is he doing for you? Has he been STD tested? Have you? Is he groveling?
> 
> ...


Thank you for sharing this!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Hi. @GAP. Sorry you are here, but pleased you found us.

It does mess with your confidence.

And it takes a while to get it back.

But you'll do it.


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## GAP (Apr 3, 2017)

Thank you for all your comments.

I know I love my husband and I do want to be with him, so as far as seeing us going our separate ways that is not what I want based on my current situation. If I were unlucky enough to have this repeated then I would make my choice based upon such events.

Once it was all out in the open, my husband actually arranged for couples counselling himself, has been more than apologetic and acknowledges the guilt and remorse he feels over it all and how it was handled.

My counsellor stated that unfortunately it is very common for cheating spouses to cover their tracks for a multitude of reasons and it doesn't resonate at the time that it may be better in the long run for short term pain for long term gain, that they tend to deny in the hope that it just goes away.

Our issues have been communication based, and my husband has acknowledged that it has been his failing in not communicating with me, and taking me for granted. I think we can all be a little guilty of that sometimes, and it is a slippery slope.

In a way this has been a huge wake up call not only for him but for me as well, and some days I accept it for what it is and others I am a little woe is me!

I understand this to have been more of a casual emotional affair as opposed to a sexual affair. I know they had a mutual sporting issue which I do not share and I have sometimes felt like that sport came before me, my husband has struggled to find a balance in the past and I think this niggle between was a contributing factor.

The woman was obviously also into the same sport, and they met through sporting events, exchanged numbers on a night out, kissed on another, met up to discuss what happened on a lunch hour a few weeks after, and were texting each other through the week. My husband was on a course one week in May, and she was flying out on a hen weekend, she asked him to meet her in the airport bar and told him she was getting feelings for him. The following week I received the letter.

I have chosen to believe my husband based on what he since told me once the truth came out, and from the conversations which have involved deception and lies and from the ones that have been truthful - I know when something doesn't feel right. If I was on the outside looking in, I would be sceptical too but I think we all know what our gut is telling us when it comes to the people closest to us, its whether we choose to listen to it or not which is the problem. I knew at the time when I chose to believe their lies something was off - which is why I pursued my detective work in the beginning, and when I got to the bottom of it my gut was screaming at me 'see you should have listened to me to begin with'. But, when you lack evidence, and you don't want to believe the person you made your vows with could betray you in a way that no other person could!

One of the theories my inner circle have suggested is that she wrote the letter herself as she wasn't getting the reaction from my husband she wanted - but I am not sure.

One thing I know about my husband is that he always been quite naive and easily led. He has had a huge wake up call to his perspective on things. He said he just tried to convince himself they were friends and there was nothing wrong in what they were doing, and he even admitted to me that he couldn't see how much he was taking me for granted over the last couple years.

One of the reasons I think my husband cheated is because of his insecurities about himself; oh someone finds me interesting and attractive; oh I am not mature or secure enough to just take it with a pinch of salt. Pathetic, but at least he has realised this is his issue and has been working on that in counselling. He always felt like he was never good enough for me, or felt like he was the former fat guy he used to be and I think sometimes he sabotages things to prove he isn't good enough.

He has been very supportive and patient with me even when I am in psycho mode. What I mean when I say I have lost confidence (not in my looks, or how I am in bed or this and that) it is more about my outlook on the world; I feel like I now lack the ability to be positive; I have lost confidence in my relationship in that I feel like I worry about what ifs a lot; and I am mourning what I thought we were as a couple - yes the rose tinted glasses have fell off.

These sorts of things also highlight issues outside of your relationship, what has happened between us had made me vulnerable to getting upset about things that I have known are issues within my family but because I am feeling sensitive, everything is magnified and it shines a light on our emotional vulnerabilities.

I know this emotional affair wasn't about me, he made the choice, and he also chose to lie. I didn't hold a gun to his head and I have said this to him, he also agreed with me. I am not naive and I also know people don't cheat when everything is rosy, there are underlying issues that contribute, and I hold my hands up to any part I may have played that was a factor. It was about him, but it was also about something in our marriage that wasn't quite right too.

How do I start to build a positive outlook and empower myself emotionally, I am just sick and tired of feeling sad!


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

LosingHim said:


> I received an anonymous letter the week before my husband and I married that said he was having an affair with someone from his past, that I shouldn’t marry him because he was a liar and that she was pregnant and people were starting to find out about them. My husband was at work that day. I called him crying, shaking uncontrollably, a complete mess. It was the day of my bachelorette party. I didn’t know what to do. He assured me he was not seeing anyone else, that it was crap. When he got home from work that day he hugged and held me, promised me it wasn’t true. We have a friend who is a police detective. He talked to him, asked him if he could have the letter fingerprinted. He said he would do it. That set my mind at ease. A week later it wasn’t done, we were getting married, but I believed him because he was having the letter fingerprinted. He surely wouldn’t go to those lengths if he was really cheating, right? After we got married, the letter still wasn’t fingerprinted. We asked our detective friend and he said it just wasn’t a priority right then (understandable). Luckily for my piece of mind, my sister in law is an alcohol and drug counselor for a state run facility. They have the capability to fingerprint as well and she was able to do it for us. UNFORTUNATELY, it came back with no matches. That was disappointing, but the fact that my husband went to such great lengths to get the fingerprints done convinced me that he was not having an affair.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I am so sorry LH. 

Btw, H didn't "go to such great lengths " to get the letter finger printed. He asked a friend and it never got done. You had to get it done. Like always. 

I think they manipulated you and had no intention of ever checking the letter.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

blueinbr said:


> LosingHim said:
> 
> 
> > I received an anonymous letter the week before my husband and I married that said he was having an affair with someone from his past, that I shouldn?t marry him because he was a liar and that she was pregnant and people were starting to find out about them. My husband was at work that day. I called him crying, shaking uncontrollably, a complete mess. It was the day of my bachelorette party. I didn?t know what to do. He assured me he was not seeing anyone else, that it was crap. When he got home from work that day he hugged and held me, promised me it wasn?t true. We have a friend who is a police detective. He talked to him, asked him if he could have the letter fingerprinted. He said he would do it. That set my mind at ease. A week later it wasn?t done, we were getting married, but I believed him because he was having the letter fingerprinted. He surely wouldn?t go to those lengths if he was really cheating, right? After we got married, the letter still wasn?t fingerprinted. We asked our detective friend and he said it just wasn?t a priority right then (understandable). Luckily for my piece of mind, my sister in law is an alcohol and drug counselor for a state run facility. They have the capability to fingerprint as well and she was able to do it for us. UNFORTUNATELY, it came back with no matches. That was disappointing, but the fact that my husband went to such great lengths to get the fingerprints done convinced me that he was not having an affair.
> ...


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Let's have a little reality check about fingerprints. 

Fingerprint analysis is a very technical, time consuming and expensive process by highly trained professionals using complex technology. 

Do you really think a police dept is going to use their resources fingerprinting an annonymous letter about some guy screwing around on his wife?

Infidelity is not a crime.

Finger prints are either matched against the FBI database of prints they have on file. Which means if someone has not been arrested, their prints will not be on file.

And to finger print someone not in custody, I believe they must be supenaed by a judge. 

No one ever had any intention of fingerprinting the letter. This was a bunch of BS to fool you. You were duped. This was a means of gas lighting you and deflection.

It was also a means for him to take the letter and make it disappear.

This is a major red flag and warning sign that nothing here is what it seems.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

The unfortunate side effect of infidelity is that it robs the victim (I use the word victim, becasue infidelity is a crime with one or more victims, always the betrayed spouse(s), and as a sideshow, the kids) of their self-esteem, self-worth and confidence. I am a madhatter, which means I cheated and was cheated on. The revenge literally made me feel as if my testes had been removed. I felt totally worthless, compounded by the fact that I had driven her to have revenge on me. Made me both perpetrator and victim.

Bottom line: none of it is true. I cheated, and robbed her of her confidence and self-esteem, and when she sought to get that back, her act did the same to me. But not so. I viewed it as both of us lowered ourselves for an act that may have some ego kibbles, but ultimately was self-degradation. I had no business with my AP. In every way, she was totally inappropriate. All that mattered to me while in the affair was the sex. I was not interested in her, her family, her interests, her intelligence, no, I was interested in the equipment between her legs and nothing else. When my head was finally ejected from my rectum, I sent her packing and began work on retrieving my marriage. My wife stated that she had to get even. I begged and pleaded. No avail as this was my sentence. After she had completed the act, I asked if it was worth it. Her remark was the sex sucked, he was physically nothing at all (I know because I had an altercation with him subsequent), his purpose was to have sex, and that was it. His purpose was to have revenge on me. She tends to characterize it differently, because she can compartmentalize and I cannot. She called it a date, justifiable because we were separated at the time. I pointed out that he was someone under any other circumstance she would have never dated. He was convenient, and therefore, just a degrading sex act she endured in order to make her point. It was cold, emotionless and absolutely deliberate. 

GAP, he degraded himself. You are victim in this, do not allow it to rob you, you are worth so much more than him or the act.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

blueinbr said:


> I am so sorry LH.
> 
> Btw, H didn't "go to such great lengths " to get the letter finger printed. He asked a friend and it never got done. You had to get it done. Like always.
> 
> I think they manipulated you and had no intention of ever checking the letter.


In this instance, he really did try to handle it. The friend who was a detective is now since retired. He was one of J’s friends dad. J’s friend was killed in Iraq a few years after high school but he always remained friendly with his dad and they played poker together. GREAT guy. I saw the messages with J asking him when he could do it and him responding that they just didn’t have the time or manpower to use resources for something like that. And J was the one that was talking to my SIL about it and got it set up for her to fingerprint it. It’s one of the few times he actually cared enough to do something about things. Unfortunately, he was already abusing porn, had text the other girl for pictures of her breasts, was talking to the other girl on MySpace, etc by this time. Given things that have happened over the years, I believe it was the male friend of ours who sent it. I found out many years later that the night I met J, the male friend had come there with the intent to ask me out. I was single, he was single and we hung out a lot because neither one of us had anything much else to do. So he’d come over and watch movies and go shopping with me and things like that, but there was never any interest there (on my part). I just thought we were friends. He was the one that told me early on in J and I’s relationship that J wasn’t over his ex. He told me other things about J too but I thought he was just being an overprotective ‘friend’/big brother. Once I found out years later that he had actually had a crush on me, thought we were going to date, etc. a lot more things made sense. He became my top suspect on sending the letter. And I think he just sent it to stop me from marrying him (the guy has some issues……) but I’ve never been able to confirm it. The fingerprints came back unmatched. I do not think that at the time J was having an affair. With anyone. I don’t think he was screwing around with his ex – at that time she had a young baby and was engaged herself. But that letter added to a LOT of doubt I had about him along with all of the other things that had already happened. And that letter has completely mindf*cked me for years. Truth be told, it’s been about 10 years since I’ve trusted J and that letter – true or not – is part of the reason.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

LosingHim said:


> In this instance, he really did try to handle it. The friend who was a detective is now since retired. He was one of J’s friends dad. J’s friend was killed in Iraq a few years after high school but he always remained friendly with his dad and they played poker together. GREAT guy. I saw the messages with J asking him when he could do it and him responding that they just didn’t have the time or manpower to use resources for something like that. And J was the one that was talking to my SIL about it and got it set up for her to fingerprint it. It’s one of the few times he actually cared enough to do something about things. Unfortunately, he was already abusing porn, had text the other girl for pictures of her breasts, was talking to the other girl on MySpace, etc by this time. Given things that have happened over the years, I believe it was the male friend of ours who sent it. I found out many years later that the night I met J, the male friend had come there with the intent to ask me out. I was single, he was single and we hung out a lot because neither one of us had anything much else to do. So he’d come over and watch movies and go shopping with me and things like that, but there was never any interest there (on my part). I just thought we were friends. He was the one that told me early on in J and I’s relationship that J wasn’t over his ex. He told me other things about J too but I thought he was just being an overprotective ‘friend’/big brother. Once I found out years later that he had actually had a crush on me, thought we were going to date, etc. a lot more things made sense. He became my top suspect on sending the letter. And I think he just sent it to stop me from marrying him (the guy has some issues……) but I’ve never been able to confirm it. The fingerprints came back unmatched. I do not think that at the time J was having an affair. With anyone. I don’t think he was screwing around with his ex – at that time she had a young baby and was engaged herself. But that letter added to a LOT of doubt I had about him along with all of the other things that had already happened. And that letter has completely mindf*cked me for years. Truth be told, it’s been about 10 years since I’ve trusted J and that letter – true or not – is part of the reason.


Damn, LH, you had an out from the very start, you could have avoided ALL of this heartbreak.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

GAP said:


> I have accepted what happened and in a way at least now I know so we can move forward and try and learn from our mistakes that contributed to why it happened, but at the moment I am really struggling with 'me'. I don't know how to build myself back up and start to feel happy from the inside out.


Your loss of confidence is understandable, but as others mentioned, this was not about you, and wasnt your fault. Your H now needs to go above and beyond whatever it takes to regain your trust and mend the marriage. Make sure you hold him accountable, dont take on the blame, and dont take on the heavy lifting, ALL of that is on him. Dont let him slack. Your R will not be true or successful otherwise. 

Im sorry you are here.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

3Xnocharm said:


> Damn, LH, you had an out from the very start, you could have avoided ALL of this heartbreak.




Great story for OP to hear. A great lesson too.


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## GavinM (Jan 13, 2014)

Gap, I think you have a really good attitude and best wishes for you. Im really sorry you are here. 

Unfortunately, there is no quick fix for an affair and no matter how resilient you are it really, really hurts. 

I have reconciled with my wife now and for the most part things are good, but its been a long painful road and, even today, its not without its bumps. 

I know many well meaning people will say that this was about him and not you; so you shouldnt let this hurt you. And they are 100% correct, however my mind just doesnt work that way. I felt severely emasculated by her affair and my ego took a huge hit. Its better now then it was right afterward, but I cant "unknow" the details of her affair. 
It does get better. If you want, marriages can be repaired, but they require a lot of work.
Good luck.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

3Xnocharm said:


> Damn, LH, you had an out from the very start, you could have avoided ALL of this heartbreak.


I had a very early out. 5 months in I discovered the porn use and lying. A little over a year in was the request for pictures of the other girls breasts. By 1.5 in communication with the ex found. I could have walked away more times than I can count. SHOULD have. I thought I loved him too much. Turns out I just love him more than I love myself. There were times he was a decent husband. I didn’t have overwhelming thoughts that he was cheating on me. But trust? That’s been gone for over 10 years. We’ve been together 11 and a half.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> I am so sorry LH.
> 
> Btw, H didn't "go to such great lengths " to get the letter finger printed. He asked a friend and it never got done. You had to get it done. Like always. I think they manipulated you and had no intention of ever checking the letter.


Of course the snake had no intention of his buddy actually doing it. I'm surprised you even got it _back_ considering what a liar he is. I would have expected him to tell his buddy to throw it away and tell you it had been damaged or lost.

Serial cheaters are such low lives.


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## GAP (Apr 3, 2017)

GavinM said:


> Gap, I think you have a really good attitude and best wishes for you. Im really sorry you are here.
> 
> Unfortunately, there is no quick fix for an affair and no matter how resilient you are it really, really hurts.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your comments. It is good to hear someone say that I have a good attitude to all of this because I do feel like I have tried to tackle it all head on and just pulled up my socks so to speak and try and learn from it. 

Some days you have to really fight the demons and this is so unfair/woe is me act. Because, there is always worse going on in the world etc but sometimes you just can't believe how much it bloody hurts! I know time is a great healer, and yes it is very hard work - just miss that comfortable feeling we had, before all the elephant in the room.

I hope you and your wife are in a much better place now @GavinM


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