# STBXW has my son when she meets OM



## philreag (Apr 2, 2015)

Back story. STBXW has a second EA last November. When I confronted she lied about it of course and it went underground.

We separated after Christmas with no hopes of reconciliation. I have been doing a hard 180 for me but it is still hard.

Found out today she met the POSOM while with my 6 year old son to play soccer. She had lied about meeting him before with my son and I caught her. This is new as I was not sure she was still seeing the POSOM.

I don't like it of course. I have never met POSOM.

What would be some advice for me with this situation?

We have no separation agreement but we do have equal custody. I want to divorce but have not started proceedings due to the high cost.

I know the time will come when I have a girlfriend and my son may meet her. Right now I am not dating as I'm still dealing with grieving from my WAW.

Thanks for any help or suggestions.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I personally built a little spot in my mind where I put all this bull**** and I keep it there and don't let myself think about that stuff. She's going to have your son around those losers. Not a lot you can do about it. 
But you can meet someone else and take your mind off her. Or, you could find a new hobby to concern yourself with. Stay busy and don't think about it
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Yes, this stuff is hard, I get it. My first husband had an affair and I did struggle with my kids spending time with her. The thing that I had to realize is my ex made a choice and like it or not I had to live with that choice. Now I had to decide how I wanted to children to relate to this situation. They actually breaking up after 2 years and in that time he was pretty absent in our children's lives. However, h quickly found another lady which he married and I did everything I could to help my kids accept her. This is very important. You want what is best for our children and it is best for them to be able to love this other person in your ex-spouse's life. 

My ex and his 2nd wife were married 19 years. I told my kids they had 2 moms and 2 dads and I honored my ex's wife on mother's day. She was a such a sweet lady and I knew what she was dealing with, my ex was/is a cheat. They divorced, contact was kept with me and with my daughters. 7 years after her divorce to my ex she remarried just recently and my daughters attended the wedding. Personally, I feel this is what should happen in step families. Not always easy but best for the child.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

philreag said:


> We have no separation agreement but we do have equal custody. I want to divorce but have not started proceedings due to the high cost.


Equal custody because you two agreed? 

Until you put something legally binding in place, she can do whatever she wants, no matter how morally wrong you think it is, unless it's posing a physical danger to your son. 

So my advice is, scrounge up or borrow money and do what you need to do. You can print out the divorce papers online. 

If she won't be reasoned with, then you show her with actions. Anything less is often pointless.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Expose the fact that posOM is cheating to his wife. That should shake things up.


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## philreag (Apr 2, 2015)

Satya said:


> Equal custody because you two agreed?
> 
> Until you put something legally binding in place, she can do whatever she wants, no matter how morally wrong you think it is, unless it's posing a physical danger to your son.
> 
> ...


Yes, we have equal custody because we agree for our son. I also know she can do whatever she wishes but so can I at this point.

Legally we are still married so we both have a say so (as long as she gets her way, if not it can get dicey).

She loves him and would never put him intentionally in danger. Sometimes she is a bit naive or lacks common sense and I see a danger where she does not. Just her personality, but it does bother me sometimes I am not there to protect him.

She can never be reasoned with, and there in lies most of the problems in our relationship. She has BPD, a bit narcissistic (just like her mother), and extremely stubborn. She will go to her grave being right and never will say she is sorry.

I am working on separation papers on-line. We have few lawyers here and I called one recommended to me. $300 consultation and approx. $2000-$5000 if uncontested. I live in a possession of the US, not in a state.


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## philreag (Apr 2, 2015)

ReturntoZero said:


> Expose the fact that posOM is cheating to his wife. That should shake things up.


I would if I knew how to contact her. As I mentioned I don't know the OM. I found out his name and business by googling his phone number from the hundreds of texts I found. She promptly got rid of that phone and got one in her name so I have no further access.

I also only assume he is married and has children from what she said when I confronted her last November. She mentioned "he has family problems too like us and that's why we talk". Textbook EA talk.

Additionally, the OM is a different culture/race. In his culture it is generally accepted by the wife that the man will try to bed as many women as possible and the wife is to stay home a care for the children. Here it is called "inside" family and "outside" family. Inside meaning married to and outside being illegitimate. She used to express her disgust at this aspect of the culture, but she is in a different mental place now.

She needs help.


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## philreag (Apr 2, 2015)

Right now I am contemplating doing on of two things.

1. Write her an e-mail (written proof) asking she not have my son around the OM. Stating that I no longer care what she does with herself but still care what she does with my son. Also stating that because of our equal physical custody she has ample time to see OM in the day or night. She does not need to use her time with our son to visit the OM. I will also tell her I do not want my son involved in the break up another family when the OM's family finds out (if they care at all).


2. Call the OM and tell him he can have STBXW but to stay away from my son. Also ask him if he has told his wife and let him know that he is not the only OM sniffing around my STBXW. I don't think he will care about that as I feel he only wants one thing.


Input would be appreciated as I have done nothing yet and want to sooner than later.

Thanks all for your support.


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## philreag (Apr 2, 2015)

AVR1962 said:


> Yes, this stuff is hard, I get it. My first husband had an affair and I did struggle with my kids spending time with her. The thing that I had to realize is my ex made a choice and like it or not I had to live with that choice. Now I had to decide how I wanted to children to relate to this situation. They actually breaking up after 2 years and in that time he was pretty absent in our children's lives. However, h quickly found another lady which he married and I did everything I could to help my kids accept her. This is very important. You want what is best for our children and it is best for them to be able to love this other person in your ex-spouse's life.
> 
> My ex and his 2nd wife were married 19 years. I told my kids they had 2 moms and 2 dads and I honored my ex's wife on mother's day. She was a such a sweet lady and I knew what she was dealing with, my ex was/is a cheat. They divorced, contact was kept with me and with my daughters. 7 years after her divorce to my ex she remarried just recently and my daughters attended the wedding. Personally, I feel this is what should happen in step families. Not always easy but best for the child.



Good on you. It sounds like you have risen above all the BS and put your kids first. I applaud you.

My situation is a bit different as this is not mixed families. This is about my STBXW and some guy, who is trying to get into her pants, using my son to assist. She is not introducing my son to his new step family (or God I hope not).


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I don't know that you can do anything about it. She's his mother and can bring whomever she pleases around him, unless she's putting him in danger. 

And like you said, eventually you're going to start dating and you don't want to start a precedent of dictating who the other one brings around. Women can be very territorial and your ex wife could easily throw a fit over you bringing your gf around, and you'll then have to justify why you could be in her business but she can't be in yours. 

This is going to make you look petty. Unless you have reason to think your son is at risk. 

I would not get involved in this. Just tell her your expect your son to be treated well and protected., which is a perfectly reasonable request for her to make of you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

If you have no legitimate concern about your sons safety. Let it go. 

He will figure out soon enough what is going on. I did
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Phil, I offer several suggestions based on my experience with my BPDer exW. *First*, I suggest you start participating (or at least lurking) at BPDfamily.com -- the largest and most active BPD forum I've found that is devoted fully to the spouses and family members of BPDers. It has eight separate message boards on various BPD issues. The one that likely will be most helpful to you is the _"__Co-parenting after the Split"_ board.

*Second,* while you are at BPDfamily, I suggest you read Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with BPD (Article 9) and Leaving a Partner with BPD (Article 10). BPDfamily provides a list of tools for reducing the conflict with a BPDer family member. Those tools are described at its Decision Making Guidelines. IME, my exW's BPD traits were so strong that none of these techniques made a real difference in the long haul. I am hopeful that this is not the case with you and your STBXW. 

*Third*, I also recommend a psychiatric nurse's blog providing 20 tips to nurses on how they can best deal with obstinate BPDer patients. It is located at Borderline Personality Disorder on the Behavioral Unit - Psychiatric Nursing. 

*Fourth, *I suggest you read the book, _Splitting: Protecting Yourself while Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder._ 

*Fifth,* I suggest you see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you and your son are dealing with. As I've explained in other threads, your best chance of getting a candid opinion regarding a possible BPD diagnosis is to NOT have the BPDer along. Therapists are loath to tell high functioning BPDers the name of the disorder -- for her own protection. 

This is true even when you are paying the bill and attending some of the sessions. Hence, to obtain a candid assessment, it is important to see a psychologist who is ethically bound to protect only your interests, not hers. Relying on your STBXW's therapist for advice during the marriage would be as foolish as relying on her attorney for advice during a divorce. For a more detailed explanation as to why this information is routinely withheld from clients and their spouses, see my post at Loath to Diagnose.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

philreag said:


> Good on you. It sounds like you have risen above all the BS and put your kids first. I applaud you.
> 
> My situation is a bit different as this is not mixed families. This is about my STBXW and some guy, who is trying to get into her pants, using my son to assist. She is not introducing my son to his new step family (or God I hope not).


So you feel this man is using kindness/connection with your son to get to your STBXW, is that what you saying?

If this is the case, which it very well may be, ask yourself what you can do about it?


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## philreag (Apr 2, 2015)

AVR1962 said:


> So you feel this man is using kindness/connection with your son to get to your STBXW, is that what you saying?
> 
> If this is the case, which it very well may be, ask yourself what you can do about it?


Yes, in a way. I don't know whether it is the OM or my STBXW. She meets him using the excuse he is helping my son learn soccer. This may very well be the case...

but

this is the OM from her texting EA (possibly PA). The OM she lied about existing, the OM she was meeting while we were still together, the OM of the exit affair. 

I just think it is very disrespectful and it hurts. Of course she has no respect for me or she wouldn't be a WAW and wouldn't have cheated. 

She has plenty of time to meet OM in the day or night without my son. I just think it is an excuse to meet up and I just don't like it.

And no, I don't think there is anything I can do about it. As the other posters have said, if she's not putting him in danger, I have to let it go.

I do feel like asking her in an e-mail not to do this, but I don't know how she will react.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*What information do you know about this OM? Is he still married, have kids of his own, et. al.?

I'm not exactly a real big advocate of her bringing your son into her social situation, more especially at the young impressionable age that he is!

You could have your attorney insert language into a separation agreement that would keep the OM at bay so long as they are not married to each other! As a rule, family court judges aren't wild about it either!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

philreag said:


> Yes, in a way. I don't know whether it is the OM or my STBXW. She meets him using the excuse he is helping my son learn soccer. This may very well be the case...
> 
> but
> 
> ...


I can understand your feelings and concerns here. What your STBXW is not looking at here is that bringing various men into your son's world could be negative for your son. Children get attached and then this person vanishes from his life and he doesn't understand why. She gets another beau and the same thing happens all over again....not good! Something to keep in mind when you decided to start dating. Is there any way you can talk to your wife and express that you would like both of you to protect your son and not introduce dating partners until a time where the relationship looks more permanent? I don't think that is unreasonable. It might not be easy but I think you both have to think what is best for the child.


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