# Help getting over Narcissistic spouse



## Txgirl81 (Jan 5, 2018)

Hi I’m new here. Just recently joined & have found the other posts to be very helpful & insightful. 

However, I’m struggling with my own issues & having a hard time coping with the loss of my marriage. 

My husband & I have been together since High School. I was 15 at the time. We’ve been together for 21 years, with 3 children. I’ve been a stay at home mom for the past 12 years. 

Long story short, the majority of my marriage has been a nightmare. I truly believe my husband is a Narcissist. He’s very controlling, manipulative & cruel, emotionally withdraws from me anytime I do anything he doesn’t like. He’s a serial cheater, and our children walk on eggshells around him for fear of his behavior. Our oldest is almost an adult now, and has tried so many times to get me to leave because we are all so unhappy & it’s almost unbearable for him to see me suffer the way I do. 

I’ve recently discovered my husbands latest indiscretions with cheating apps on his phone. 

It was just the final straw for me, and I finally had enough. When I confronted him he showed absolutely no remorse & actually became angry with me for snooping. Any time I tried to approach him about his reasons why, he would get angry & walk out and even one time laughed because the conversation was too awkward to discuss. This has absolutely devastated me. We have decided to divorce & he is in the process of moving out. Leaving me as a stay at home mom to start my life completely over with looking for work, learning to live on my own for the first time in my life. 

I know this is absolutely crazy, but why do I even feel bad for him? Why do I care so much that he isn’t sorry? Why do I even miss him at all??? He’s done nothing to try to get me back or even apologize.... this hurts me so badly. 

I just really need advice on how to let this go. I need advice on how to believe in myself enough to be strong for my kids & not want to think about the past anymore. 

Thanks for listening!


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Txgirl81 said:


> He’s done nothing to try to get me back or even apologize.... this hurts me so badly.


Why in God's name would you even want him to do that? A serial cheater who has no respect for you? Let him go and move on with your life.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

What is the logical thing to do?
It's to avoid all contact with him, divorce with no feeling, and never ever see him or talk to him.

What you have to do is excruciatingly painful. But you must be strong and endure it.
I give you my word that if you break all contact with him, the pain will lessen.
Grieve your loss. But not the man. He's a bad person. He will only bring you pain.
And in time, you WILL find a man that will make you realize what a gift it was for this man to do something that would finally give you the fortitude and anger to leave the bastard.

I beg you, do not go back to this man.


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## Txgirl81 (Jan 5, 2018)

Chris Taylor said:


> Why in God's name would you even want him to do that? A serial cheater who has no respect for you? Let him go and move on with your


I wish I had a dollar for every time I’ve asked myself this question. 


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## Txgirl81 (Jan 5, 2018)

Evinrude58 said:


> What is the logical thing to do?
> 
> It's to avoid all contact with him, divorce with no feeling, and never ever see him or talk to him.
> 
> ...




Thank you so much for your advice. I know in my heart it’s the right thing to do. I just didn’t think it would hurt so much. 


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

It does hurt. It's the worst pain imagineable.
I think it's similar to what a heroine addict must feel, which makes them do things like steal and hurt people they love in order to get loose from the withdrawal pain they're feeling.

Your pain will make you want to get loose from it by making up with your husband. And like the heroine, making up with this man will only ruin your life, just like the heroine will ruin the addict's life.

I promise you that if you go no contact and give up hope in this guy, your life will be happier for it. But it's going to be hard. The more it hurts, the shorter time it will last. 

I am praying for you. I have been. There myself.


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## Txgirl81 (Jan 5, 2018)

Evinrude58 said:


> It does hurt. It's the worst pain imagineable.
> 
> I think it's similar to what a heroine addict must feel, which makes them do things like steal and hurt people they love in order to get loose from the withdrawal pain they're feeling.
> 
> ...




Thank you. Your kindness means so much 


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## Pepe1970 (Aug 25, 2017)

Txgirl81 said:


> Hi I’m new here. Just recently joined & have found the other posts to be very helpful & insightful.
> However, I’m struggling with my own issues & having a hard time coping with the loss of my marriage.
> 
> My husband & I have been together since High School. I was 15 at the time. We’ve been together for 21 years, with 3 children. I’ve been a stay at home mom for the past 12 years.
> ...


If you don't mind, PM me please

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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Read " In Sheep's Clothing" It really helped me with a narcissistic spouse.
It will help you get pass him and move on as well.
Nothing will help him more than to have a major life changing event knock him to his knees.
Superman needs a dose of Kryptonite.


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## Txgirl81 (Jan 5, 2018)

StillSearching said:


> Read " In Sheep's Clothing" It really helped me with a narcissistic spouse.
> 
> It will help you get pass him and move on as well.
> 
> ...




Thank you so much! I will definitely check it out.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

@Uptown...just in case.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Txgirl81 said:


> Hi I’m new here. Just recently joined & have found the other posts to be very helpful & insightful.
> However, I’m struggling with my own issues & having a hard time coping with the loss of my marriage.
> 
> My husband & I have been together since High School. I was 15 at the time. We’ve been together for 21 years, with 3 children. I’ve been a stay at home mom for the past 12 years.
> ...


It's just my guess that in spite of what he has done to you and your family, you have the following;

- a belief in commitment to marriage
- a belief that people can change under the right circumstances, especially when confronted with logic, proof and reasoning
- not wanting to break up your family for your kids, especially when you didn't choose this
- and probably because you have a heart, a conscience and are a caring good person
- you probably miss him because you can remember the good times (wayward spouses only think about the bad)

No matter how hard they hit me on the head in this forum I thought I would be able to WILL my way through this and have my wife see the light, especially since she was just a reasonable person, smart and religious. The problem is that the demons inside are sometimes a lot stronger in the other person and they rule the person's mind and over-rule logic and reality. Do what you can that makes you feel good about yourself, about making an effort but from the sounds of it, any effort you put forth will be in vain, if it's put forth in a way to try and save the marriage in its current form. The other spouse will have to find out the hard way and on their own what they caused and what they lost but they can get help in that, with hard action and tough love. You need to be strong for your kids like you said and focus on them and put your energy towards them and move towards the divorce. He doesn't respect you and deep down himself but the only thing that will save him will be learning what he missed, which may hit a year from now or 10 years from now when you have happily moved on but it will eventually happen. Don't focus on that though, focus on what it's going to take to get those kids through this and you will be much happier that you did when this is all said and done, at least that is the way that I have to look at it now for my situation.


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## Txgirl81 (Jan 5, 2018)

stillfightingforus said:


> It's just my guess that in spite of what he has done to you and your family, you have the following;
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I couldn’t agree with you more. Thank you you for your kind words. It means so much.


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## steven.lill (Dec 7, 2017)

You need to grieve, a break up is just or maybe harder as if your spouse had died. You have a lot of feelings and questions, just remember you might not get an answer to them. But you should still mourn, still feel mad or sad it is normal and important. Cry, you do not have to be strong all the time, but also remember that you are strong. 
As a mother you also has to be there for your kids, it dos not matter what he has put you through, he is still their father, and that is something he will always be. It might be hard for you because you down the road will have to meet because of your kids. But keep your head up, and show strength even if you do not feel strong. Wish you all the best 


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Brainwashed.

Submissive, and he controlled you.

Yes, I am not very kind, but I do think you have been brainwashed to feel you can't live without him. It's what he did to you.

He won't care at all about you after he finds another victim, unless he thinks he can enslave you again.

Harsh, eh? I am.

My wife was a member of a religion. I call it a cult. Others do to. Many people do, including web pages devoted to people trying to help others escape it.

My wife escaped them. Only by transferring her dependence onto me, though. She can never escape the damage they did to her. But they physically tortured her when she was young, so it was different.

You may escape. Please be strong. My soul bleeds every time I think of what such people as your husband do to their victims. My wife says I am not really so different. One difference. I care about some people other than myself. Perhaps not in the way they would like or expect, but I do care.

Your husband used you for what he wanted. I know what your husband is like. I could have been like him. But something happened that changed my path when I was young.

Your husband will not change.

Please, be well. Be strong. I know it is hard.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Time heals all wounds.

No contact!

Keep yourself busy. Start exercising. Show your kids how to overcome this .

It will be the best lesson they will ever learn. They will remember how mom bounced back and if thet efer are faced with a nasty break up they will know just what to do because you showed them how by example.

Good speed


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Hi Txgirl81
My story is practically the same as yours. There's a site on YouTube - Assc Direct. The guy Quinn is great and nails it on every video he puts up. Watch all of them. The hardest part is realising they never loved you. Narcs aren't capable of loving anyone, except themselves. No contact (NC) is the only way. Hang in there and don't look back. Catch yourself when you find yourself hanging onto a slim hope that it will somehow work out, that he'll realise how wonderful you are and that he'll come back. He might try if things don't go well for him. It's called hoovering. Don't fall for it or you'll end up back at square one. It's horrible and divorcing a narc is harder to get over because there isn't much good to look back on. I feel for you.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

I’m sorry your going through this! My stbxh is a narcissistic too so I do understand what your going through. Unless you have fallen in love with a narcissistic yourself you just don’t get it. 

It is such a toxic relationship and you just need to get out. Most people who end up with these types of people are super emotional, empathetic, and co dependent. That’s how I am. But know this.... narcissists are terrible people. They don’t care about anyone, they literally cannot love anyone but themselves. They only use you. They never change. 

If you ever want to talk you can private message me. It is the hardest thing to escape a narcissist.


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## Txgirl81 (Jan 5, 2018)

Here’s an update... I have filed for divorce. He moved out, but then came back unannounced & some how managed to talk me into letting him live upstairs in our house until he finds a place to live. He tries everyday to convince me that I’m making a mistake by divorcing him, and that he’s a changed man & he will never hurt me or our family again. I don’t believe him for a second, because well, he’s a mastermind at manipulation & mind games. Having him back in the house is pure hell for me & I am counting the moments until he is out of here... which seems like eternity. I am afraid he will not ever leave, nor sign the divorce papers. Any suggestions for how I can get him out of here peacefully?


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## inging (Dec 11, 2016)

We can read as many articles as we like, we can swear we will never speak to them again and when we say it, we believe it.

I came on to tell you that it is okay to fail. It is okay to collapse in heap. it is okay to feel as though your life has ended. That is all normal. 
Recovering from a narcissistic relationship can take many years and you will need some professional help because your after 21 years your thought processes are faulty. 
He will almost certainly try and engage you. Showing that charming, sexy and wonderful face you fell in love with so many years ago. Don't be fooled ( you will) and when you fail, just note how you failed , which button he pushed and then seal it off. 
Over time he will have less and less effect and you will become stronger. 
At the moment he is in discard phase.. Next is love bombing. wait for it... discard.. 
You aleady know this cycle. You just need distance.

I liked the slightly irreverent Riichard Gannon videos.


https://youtu.be/jCBiUoe7YWA

As painful as it is NO CONTACT is the best way to recover. 

You are asking him to Divorce you. Do it regardless of him. It is not his choice. So .. Whatever it takes. Restart the Divorce process and have him served. On the upside at least you know where he is!

Tell him you are doing this. Your aim is not to surprise him as he may act unpredictably. 
Expect tears and anger . Nothing to do with you of course.. Listen for the number of times he talks about how this effects him. Train yourself to decode the noise!


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

So proud of you for being so strong!!


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Naturally you are grieving the loss of your marriage. You must however see a Divorce Attorney ASAP. If you are a Stay at Home Mum any Divorce will work in your favour settlement wise.


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

Space away from him and Time. Watch as many vids on how to deal with a narc as you can. Keep an open mind about what they say as you probably try to defend him a little.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Txgirl81 said:


> Here’s an update... I have filed for divorce. He moved out, but then came back unannounced & *some how managed to talk me into letting him live upstairs in our house until he finds a place to live.*


 @Txgirl81, he did not somehow convince you of anything. You agreed to let him in. Why, I don't understand, but you need to learn how to say no and mean it!


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## Txgirl81 (Jan 5, 2018)

Satya said:


> @Txgirl81, he did not somehow convince you of anything. You agreed to let him in. Why, I don't understand, but you need to learn how to say no and mean it!




Yes, you are so right about that! He doesn’t respect any of my boundaries, I really need to find the strength to let NO, mean NO and stop feeling bad for him. 


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

What is his move out date?


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## Txgirl81 (Jan 5, 2018)

He’s supposed to be getting a place by the end of the month.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Txgirl81 said:


> He’s supposed to be getting a place by the end of the month.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


 do you think you can make it for that long? Any chance you can tell him you changed your mind and that he needs to leave immediately? You owe him no favors.


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## LTCNurse (Feb 5, 2018)

This is certainly going to be a tough process. I only know the age of your oldest but he/she is voicing the opinion that he/she is uncomfortable living at home. Listen to your children, they are watching! I had to leave my first marriage because I did not want my daughters to accept their Father's behavior as normal and to grow up to marry someone who is abusive. 

Move out NOW, get a rental, take primary custody of your children, make sure the schools will not allow him to pick up the children, get this all in the separation agreement NOW. If you think this person you married is mean now, wait until you become independent. You will get child support and alimony to meet your monthly living expenses. Figure out what field of employment you would like to enter and begin getting an education to work in that direction. Chances are pretty good that in the next two years, he will "lose his job" so that the payments to you will be reduced so use this time wisely in making self supportive employment decisions. Your children will be used as pawns. They will hate him...maybe for their entire lives. They will rebel more than usual as teenagers and that will hurt your heart. Make your child visitation exchanges in public places for your protection...preferably in the parking lot of law enforcement. Mourn your life changes away from your children. For your children, stay positive, keep routines, show them that life can punch you in the gut and you can get back up again. This is an important lesson to teach them. One day, you will absolutely LOVE your life like you never have before! Get your children's important information-birth certificates, social security cards, and quickly find the best attorney in town.


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## Txgirl81 (Jan 5, 2018)

lucy999 said:


> do you think you can make it for that long? Any chance you can tell him you changed your mind and that he needs to leave immediately? You owe him no favors.




I literally hate every day that he is here. I feel like I’m stuck and unable to move forward.

It is definitely a money issue that has kept him here as long as he has. We couldn’t afford to pay for two places at the moment on only one income which was the whole reason I’ve allowed him to live upstairs. He promised he was trying to sell a few things to help out with the move, but I’ve yet to see him sell a thing. I’m sure he’s just buying time to shut me up.

But regardless, he will be served his divorce papers here if need be... I have come too far to back out of this divorce. 


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

What is your plan for when the end of February comes and he doesn't have a place of his own? Because I'm pretty sure that's going to happen.


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## Txgirl81 (Jan 5, 2018)

He will be served his divorce papers before the end of the month... In which he is fully aware of. I honestly anticipate him to become angry and will want to leave on his own. 


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Txgirl81 said:


> I know this is absolutely crazy, but why do I even feel bad for him? Why do I care so much that he isn’t sorry? Why do I even miss him at all??? He’s done nothing to try to get me back or even apologize.... this hurts me so badly.
> 
> I just really need advice on how to let this go. I need advice on how to believe in myself enough to be strong for my kids & not want to think about the past anymore.


You feel that way because of biology. When a couple is in a relationship, their brains produce and uptake feel good chemicals like dopamine and oxytocin. The hormone oxytocin is called the 'amnesia' hormone. When a woman gives birth, her brain is flooded with oxytocin. It served two purposes, 1) to bond her to her new baby and 2) to help her forget the pain of child birth. Some say that without oxytocin no woman would have more than one child due to the memory of the pain involved.

Well, oxytocin does similar things in relationships. Women especially, who are in abusive relationships develop an over-active oxytocin response. What this means is that they produce & uptake large quantities of oxytocin when they are abused. It's the body's way of protecting victims of abuse. What happens is that it helps her numb the pain of the abuse, even emotional abuse. And it binds them more strongly to their abuser. This is why victims of abuse seem to cling to their abuser.

So, this is why you miss him. Your brain is still flooded with oxytocin, the binding (and amnesia) hormone. What's the cure? Time.... simply time. You need time away from him so that your brain stops the oxytocin fountain. Every time you think of him, talk to him, etc causes a flood of oxytocin. Every time he does something mean to you, your get a flood of oxytocin.

What's the cure? You stop seeing him, stop talking to him, stop thinking of him. In time your brain will no longer respond to him with a flood of oxytocin. 

Go as close to no-contact with him as you can. Look at the link in my signature block below for the *180*. From here on out interact with him per the *180.* That's the cure.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Txgirl81 said:


> He promised he was trying to sell a few things to help out with the move, but I’ve yet to see him sell a thing.


I would suppose he's already spent what he got for having sold his soul to the devil years ago.



Txgirl81 said:


> He will be served his divorce papers before the end of the month... In which he is fully aware of. I honestly anticipate him to become angry and will want to leave on his own.


Be sure and tell the douche-waffle 'don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya.'

Best 180 pounds of worthless flesh you've ever gotten rid of.


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## Txgirl81 (Jan 5, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> You feel that way because of biology. When a couple is in a relationship, their brains produce and uptake feel good chemicals like dopamine and oxytocin. The hormone oxytocin is called the 'amnesia' hormone. When a woman gives birth, her brain is flooded with oxytocin. It served two purposes, 1) to bond her to her new baby and 2) to help her forget the pain of child birth. Some say that without oxytocin no woman would have more than one child due to the memory of the pain involved.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Where is the link? I didn’t see one 


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Txgirl81 said:


> Where is the link? I didn’t see one
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Oh, you are on Tapatalk. they don't show signature blocks... a lot of posters have links to info in their signature blocks. Here's the link to the 180 *The Healing Heart: The 180*


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## Txgirl81 (Jan 5, 2018)

Txgirl81 said:


> Where is the link? I didn’t see one
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk




Thank you so much! This is very helpful & I will definitely practice this.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Read up on divorce in your state. It will help you to be armed with knowledge. He may or may not have to move after being served. He may have the right to stay there. If he is a huge assface, he may stay out of spite. Once served, he may do a lot of things out of spite. 

He may get super friendly, thinking you are a nice person and want to have a nice split. Which means in his favor. Otherwise he thinks you will look like the bad guy, and he thinks you will do anything to not be the bad guy. Forget all that...forget what he thinks, or how he will spin it. Do what YOU have to do to make things/life work for you. Look out for yourself and your kids. They need a strong parent and a strong role model.

This is where the 180 works for you. You focus on you and the kids. You don't worry about him, or how he feels, or what he thinks, or what his plan or idea is. Your focus is what you want YOUR life to look like...without him, and in spite of him.


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## inging (Dec 11, 2016)

I know this sounds like a shopping list of Do's and Don't but you are in a tricky situation at the moment. Just my experience. 7 years since Dday and counting and she is still trying. 

I am not sure Divorce is going to mean much to him. He genuinely believes that you are his and no bit of paper will change that.

No Contact is great if you have no kids but not feasible as a parent with children. Realistically you are going to have to deal with him for a long time at some level

The grey rock technique is the next best thing. Be as interesting as a grey rock. Provide no ego boosts though anger, pain or trying to reason with him. Anyway you engage with him provides fuel for him

When you do have to talk to him limit the scope of the conversation to the kids. He will be able to trigger you for quiet a long time . As you start to recognise the thing that triggers you make a note and seal that off to him

I found talking about the weather or the latest movie provided enough ego boost for her and she would forget to attack.


Don't be tempted to engage him on his ground. He is an expert at manipulation with years and years of practice. On you. You are a novice and easy pickings. He spends most of his waking hours thinking about how to manipulate people. It is why he does ****** all else.

In the period he is in the house do nothing that makes him think you are interesting. No excessive cleaning. No change of wardrobe. No new hair styles. 
Grey rock and he will positively skip out the door

As soon as he out.. Full Nuclear. We will get to that.


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