# Do YOu Just Let It Run Its Course?



## Clinging (May 14, 2011)

I' m not postitive but husband of 33 years left on Monday - won't communicate with me, answer my texts - avoids me so I can only assume that there is someone else, who I have no idea or how bad into it he is but must be bad if he has left to be with her.

Question: everyone says to do a 180 and no contact but he is doing the same with me, are we just going to drift apart?

Has anyone sent letters, professing love, what is going to be lost, family etc. or is it useless? The weekend is coming up and of course my mind is racing about what or where he is up too.

Please someone help me understand what I can do to keep sane. I don't want to lose my husband but he is already gone.

He denies there is anyone else, we haven't told the kids yet but I'm sure that is coming as soon they will wonder where their father is?

I"m going to get into councellling, have read tons of marriage help books and know what issues I have. He says he will go to councelling on his own but I doubt he will. I think he has a bit of depression and needs a feel good drug so hence other woman as he can't seem to get that feeling from me anymore.

He blames me for everything wrong in his life and our marriage, but who else has he to blame but me.

When he isn't like this he is actually a very loving person and a good father and husband.


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## oceansaway (May 16, 2011)

WOW. So similar to myself. Walked out 3 months ago via email after 15 years. Haven't seen him, no replies to text at first, said there was nobody else. But then i found out there was OW.
I think they all lie about OW because they are in a fog. I have been doing the 180 and he has shown more contact with me but I find just when i am getting to a comfort place in life, he drops back in and stirs the pot. The 180 is about making yourself better!
I have tried the cards, love letters ect at the beginning with no reply. Now I feel like a idoit i would waste my time on someone. I deserve better and SO do you. I can understand 33 years is a lifetime! I would suggest giving him his space and time with the 180. At some point he will come around but if he doesn't you will be better while using the 180.
As long as you have told him your feelings about the marriage and your wishes the ball is in his court. Just dont act needy..its not attractive. Hope it works out!


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

It's been about 2 months since I got dumped via a phone call. Married for 25 years, 2 pretty much grown kids, a business, the list goes on. Haven't seen H since the end of February, he's an over the road truck driver and has decided not to come back here for the time being. Really don't expect to see him until October at our son's wedding. (more details on the thread "he dropped a bomb on me")

Point being that I'm left with little choice of whether to let it run its course. I have to take care of me and my daughter (will be 18 next month). I have to move on. I realize that there isn't much I can do otherwise. 

As for the blame game, he needs to take at least 50% responsibility, IMO.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Clinging said:


> Has anyone sent letters, professing love, what is going to be lost, family etc. or is it useless? The weekend is coming up and of course my mind is racing about what or where he is up too.


Yes, I did all of that, plus begging and anything else pathetic. It simply doesn't work and probably actually does more harm.



Clinging said:


> He denies there is anyone else


Most cheaters do that--until they are nailed with undeniable proof.




Clinging said:


> He blames me for everything wrong in his life and our marriage, but who else has he to blame but me.


That makes me wonder even more about him being involved with another woman. When a spouse is having an affair, they are in a "fog". You will have no good qualities in their eyes; they see their spouse in a very negative light. The apple of their eye becomes the new person. When that happens they blame the spouse for everything.

Your best chance to save your marriage is to first find out if he is seeing someone else--and get that stopped.


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## Clinging (May 14, 2011)

My kids talked to their dad last night and they don't think there is someone else but I definetely do. How can you stop the affair? He obviously wants her over me or he wouldn't have left me. Giving them an ultimatium when they are in the fog doesn't help does it? She is probably pressing him to have no contact with me which he isn't so if I pressure him to give up her wouldn't that be too much, she is obviously winning over me, that is where he is at. He knows me and about me so is trying out something new to see if I can be replaced, if it doesn't work out he knows I love him and he knows he can weasle his way back into our lives and he knows I willl let him unfortunately so he is definetely in control here.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Clinging, 

If your husband is in an affair and he is leaving you for her, he thinks this fantasy life he has been living with her is the life he wants. 
Fantasy is not reality, i think you will see him slowly understand what he is throwing away to do this.......
It's all fun until reality gets in the way. 
At this point all you can do is work on yourself, be the best person you can be, take the high road, take care of your kids, they are hurting as well.
You let your husband know in a letter that you love him and would be willing to work on the marriage as long as it's just the two of you in the marriage, don't just take him back if he does change his mind.........he needs to work on himself, figure out his own feelings.
MC, transparency, no inappropriate relationships with other women. 
Right now he is in a stage where he needs to process his own life and see what that life will be like, my guess is he will miss the life he had for 33 years before you know, history means a lot in marriage.........children, family, the house, the life.......he will miss everything in no time.......
What does he really have with another woman, sex, so what, they have no history, they know that they would be liars and cheaters..
They will have their own trust issues.......
She is not winning over you, 
There is a saying when someone tries to steal your husband the best revenge is to let them have him.
Right now take care of yourself and try to stay in no contact with your husband don't fill any of his emotional needs. that is called cake eating when he gets his needs met by both.......
Make him see what his life really will be like, no contact is the only way.........if the ow if there is one has to fill all his needs watch it fall apart............
jessi


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## Clinging (May 14, 2011)

Jessi
thank you for that, I hope you are right and I have to stop wanting to talk or fix him, after 33 years it is just so hard, he has been a part of my life for a very long time, it isn't easy but I will try. 
We also have a 4 month old grandson that I know he will miss as he loved him dearly.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

The first thing you need to do is find out exactly what is going on with him and WHERE he is going. If you can afford a PI, they can easily get that information for you. You may want to enlist a friend's help or rent a car. Perhaps go to his work place just before his work day ends. You could then follow him to where he is staying and observe who else is there.

Another way to get more information is to do a "people search" on line. I've used Intelius before and had good results. If you pull a report using your husband's name, it will give you addresses he is known to use--and many times the names of other people known to use that address. That's how I discovered WHERE my husband was staying when he wasn't at home.

If there is an affair going on you really need to get evidence. Once you have that evidence, you can then disclose that evidence to family, friends, and anyone else who could have an impact on your husband. Also, you need to know if the person he is seeing is married. If the OW is married, you need to tell her husband.

You will find a lot of material on this site which addresses exactly how to end an affair. But, for now you need to gather proof. If an affair isn't the culprit of your failed marriage, then you clearly need to find other strategies. BTW, counseling is an excellent thing for you now.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Clinging said:


> How can you stop the affair? here.


You can't. Only he can. If in fact, he's having one.
If he is having one, it's very normal for the cheater to deny they are having one. It is RARE the cheater that comes right out and admits an affair.

If he avoids you and won't communicate with you, go no contact. DO NOT EVER chase someone who is hiding/shielding themself away from you.


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## Clinging (May 14, 2011)

What if they realize what they have done (come out of the fog) and think there is no way that I'll want him back so is avoiding me, thinking maybe I deserve someone better.

What if he thinks he has screwed up badly, or do they ever think that?

How do you know, I guess you don't know what he is thinking. He said he is going to counselling, wouldn't you think a counseller would be telling him to try contacting his wife? I can't imagine she is telling him to go no contact do you? Maybe he isn't going and is just lying. 

He told his children that he is trying to work this out and when he is done counselling he was going to ask me to go with him to marriage counselling, wouldn't you think if that is his ultimate goal he would be trying to reconnect somehow? I know he knows I'm pissed at him so maybe he is staying away until I cool down. I had a realtor come over and I know that pissed him off .

I will go no contact - I did email him last night about what he said to the kids and hurting them but I never got a response back so I'm thinking he has no interest in me anymore, unfortunately I am still very interested in him. My whole life has just blown up - like I told my kids - I fought hard over these years to keep my marriage and family together and I didn't want to spend the remainder of my life alone. Right now I have no inkling for another man whatsoever.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Clinging said:


> What if they realize what they have done (come out of the fog) and think there is no way that I'll want him back so is avoiding me, thinking maybe I deserve someone better.
> 
> What if he thinks he has screwed up badly, or do they ever think that?


They usually never even consider that possibility until years down the road. At least that's what everyone tells me. After five years of dealing with my husband off in "Never Never Land", he's yet to see the carnage he has caused. He simply blames me for everything. 



Clinging said:


> How do you know, I guess you don't know what he is thinking. He said he is going to counselling, wouldn't you think a counseller would be telling him to try contacting his wife? I can't imagine she is telling him to go no contact do you? Maybe he isn't going and is just lying.
> 
> He told his children that he is trying to work this out and when he is done counselling he was going to ask me to go with him to marriage counselling, wouldn't you think if that is his ultimate goal he would be trying to reconnect somehow? I know he knows I'm pissed at him so maybe he is staying away until I cool down. I had a realtor come over and I know that pissed him off .


If your husband is cheating and in the "fog" there is no way possible to guess what is going on in his mind. And a cheater will lie--especially to those close to them. In addition, if he is going to counseling there's no way to know, IF he is even telling the therapist the whole truth. My husband lied to our marriage counselor to get the counselor to "take his side". My husband told the counselor he wasn't seeing other women and he wasn't embezzling money from our business. Both of which were flat out lies.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Clinging said:


> What if they realize what they have done (come out of the fog) and think there is no way that I'll want him back so is avoiding me, thinking maybe I deserve someone better..


If he wants you, he will make the effort back into your life and marriage. 



Clinging said:


> How do you know, I guess you don't know what he is thinking.


You don't. There is no way to get into his head. If he's not contacting you and avoiding you, do NOT reach out to him. He has decided to separate and has put the state of your marriage as it is all on his own. You did not have a choice in the matter. 


Whether he thinks he screwed up or not, again, no way to tell. He may soon think that, he may never think that. He may ten years from now have it dawn on him what he did.
No way to tell but time.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Don't contact him, it will push him further away. I have done very well with the NC. He hasn't reached out, and at this juncture, I really don't care. I believe my H is enjoying the freedom without wife and family, and sits there at his sisters house drinking and playing on computer when he isn't working, and talking/texting with his OW. That's his thing, we can't control that. All we can do is live our lives to the fullest we can and maybe just maybe they will pull their heads out and realize what they are doing. They may not either, but at least then we will have become strong enough to just be able to walk away the way they did, but we will have done it on our terms, not theirs.


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