# To run or help a spouse with possibly serious 'issues'?



## FrancisM (Jun 15, 2013)

I've posted elsewhere about my marital challenges, however I've learnt much since then thanks to reading, counsellors and further 'experiences'.

What does one do when there is a feeling if attachment, love etc, however when there is also considerable pain inflicted by ones partner.

My thinking currently is that whilst conflict and arguments are important (and common and normal in all human relationships), a lack of empathy, is now I believe more telling in my marriage.

This has included:
1. Mention of my parents passing before their passing.
2. Exchanges over our relationship at the nursing home, in my mom's last days. Even in her room (as she was barely conscious, or more likely unconscious).
3. Conflict on the night of my moms passing, with an attitude, and comments reflecting, she's gone and now we can focus on us.
4. Relatively frequent mention of their passing during arguments.
5. Today, mention of “the **** I've put up with”, which I suspect (and only suspect) are in relation to the months of parental care, nursing homes etc during our 4 year marriage.

Another significant issue, is what appears to be a jealousy of my hobbies and passions. My dreams relating to these are also disregarded at best, or even often put down. I now don't mention my dreams relating to my artistic (filmmaking and writing) interests, as they have often been poorly received or, even a source of conflict, as they may likely involve much work and commitment with the possibility of little financial reward.

Last night, I received both the strong disinterest in my passions and the “**** I've put up with” comment. My mentioning of my passions appears to have lead us into an argument. After the argument, I had the '****' comment, apparently relating to my parents.

So here I am. I care about her and our 4 year marriage (no kids), and I believe my options are:

1. Walk away and start again (I'm 50, not that this should come into it).

2. Try and help her, as she may be suffering from a psychological illness etc. She had a difficult upbringing with an extremely high conflict father and brother (brother and father never talk any more, for about 10 years).

Life, and especially marriage, is anything but easy...


----------



## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Wow she sounds callous.

I just don't think I could stay with someone that put me down instead of lifting me up.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Wow...I'm kinda speechless at this thread - and it takes a LOT to make me speechless believe me!!


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

OK, let's start with some questions to get some background.

How much time did your wife spend taking care of your parents?

How much time did you spend taking care of your parents?

What is only your mother? Or was it both?


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I don't believe it makes sense to stay married to someone who does not make you happy most of the time.


----------



## FrancisM (Jun 15, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> OK, let's start with some questions to get some background.
> 
> How much time did your wife spend taking care of your parents?
> 
> ...


Dad's decline was sudden and he passed away within a few weeks. I was living with my wife to be, when my mom had a bad reaction to a medication in 2010. I was suddenly a full time carer for about a week, this was initially about 100 miles from where we were living, my wife claimed I deserted her at that time, however we could not face hospitals, psychiatric wards and I had to organize moms care and accommodation etc alone. This took about 3 months, during which I saw my wife to be about every 10 days. After everything settled, I visited mom at her nursing home, around the corner, about 5 hours per week, over about 5 days, until her passing last August.

It was all my parents, hers are fine.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

It sounds like she feels neglected. If you want to keep the marriage, you are going to have to address that.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

So, she doesn't understand what a family entails because she comes from a broken past? Get her into counseling, get her help and if things do not get better leave. You shouldn't give up on a marriage, but the above is pretty dang rough. Three out of my four grandparents died slowly and I NEVER saw my parents fight or any animosity when they spent time apart. Your wife may feel neglected, but I'm amazed she can't accept PEOPLE WERE DYING. So, now, she is projecting her anger onto your hobbies.

how much time do you spend on those?


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

jld said:


> It sounds like she feels neglected. If you want to keep the marriage, you are going to have to address that.


No, she sounds like a selfish b!tch, honestly.


----------



## Ralph Bellamy (Aug 8, 2016)

jld said:


> It sounds like she feels neglected. If you want to keep the marriage, you are going to have to address that.


OP: I bet you didn't realize what a bad person you are while you were caring for your dying parents... /s


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

FrancisM said:


> Dad's decline was sudden and he passed away within a few weeks. I was living with my wife to be, when my mom had a bad reaction to a medication in 2010. I was suddenly a full time carer for about a week, this was initially about 100 miles from where we were living, my wife claimed I deserted her at that time, however we could not face hospitals, psychiatric wards and I had to organize moms care and accommodation etc alone. This took about 3 months, during which I saw my wife to be about every 10 days. After everything settled, I visited mom at her nursing home, around the corner, about 5 hours per week, over about 5 days, until her passing last August.
> 
> It was all my parents, hers are fine.


Ok, that's it? 

She's way out of line.


----------



## red37 (Feb 19, 2016)

It's hard taking care of parents that are elderly. But when you marry you have to at least try to help your spouse if there parents are sick or elder. With that being said one spouse she not have the full responsibility of caring for the sick or elderly parent. Also how was your wife's relationships with your parents before the passed.

Sent from my SCH-I535 using Tapatalk


----------



## Natthewife (Jun 16, 2014)

Speechless also. They are your parents. She was your mother. 
She deserves the highest respect from you and your partner and anyone who loves you needs to know that. 
My husband's mother is currently in a psychiatrist ward in hospital. She's suffered depression most of her life. I frequently have to go visit, bring her up what she needs and sit there for hours nursing her through her tears and depression. Do I like it? No. 
I do it because I don't want my husband doing it alone. I am his wife and accept all aspects of his life and his family as my own. His mother is also my mother and vice versa. 
Your partner seems cold. 
I couldn't deal with cold. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

It is "All about Her". This is the outward face that reflects the inner SHE.

The Lack of Empathy comment is an under-Statement.

But that Statement , if held against her "Stand-Up" form would cover most of that which IS HER. It is a "Full Dress" approximation. 

As an outsider, I see the women without the wishful thinking. Woulda, Shoulda, Coulda frilly-filigree. Join me [thinking this way]....on the outside.....looking in.

Accept the reality. Do so soberly.

It will make the Divorce easier. 

Do not despair, be angry, be hurt, be surprised. 

Go with Knowledge and new understanding. She is what she is.....and she is not significant, nor is she of "no worth".

Her Worth, does not belong in your Texas Fort.


----------



## FrancisM (Jun 15, 2013)

I've finally realized today, that a lack of empathy appears to be the crux of many of my marriage issues. This week I had a severe cold. Twice overnight I must have disturbed her sleep, and woke as blankets were thrown over my face to stop me snoring and spluttering due to heavy congestion. I was also woken as I was told off several times for keeping her awake. Now she has the cold and has declared "you gave me your cold". 

Today we shared our thoughts about having children. I listened to her thoughts and feelings, however I was chastised and lectured for ten minutes for my view that we wait another month or two, for various reasons. As per her usual behavior, she demanded that I "take my comments back" as she did not agree with them, and to reaffirm my commitment to our previous plan

Trivial happenings perhaps, and 90% of the time we are relatively happy and enjoy dinners and movies, family functions together. However empathy, or a lack of it, has over the past month or so, finally surfaced as the underlying cause of at least most of our issues.

I am today (anniversary of my moms passing, and not a single word from my wife about the significance of the day, despite me reminding her it was today.) beginning to take steps toward separation. It's taken a long time to reach this decision, however when you love someone, and you do enjoy one another's company and companionship, 90-95% of the time, it is very easy to overlook the arguments and other issues. At least until they combine to form a clearer picture.

I am not perfect, however I have a deep sense of empathy, I cannot continue to live in a relationship where I cannot share the challenging times, like nursing my parents at the end, or even when I am unwell. 

I would also mention that her dad had likely terminal cancer about 20 years ago, he was severely hurt when my wife rarely visited the hospital. Her claim has always been that she cannot stand hospitals, however we must all do what we don't like in this life, from time to time, we force observes to endure for other people. It's called empathy. If she could not support her father, who was believed to be terminal (he lived) in his time of need, then why should I expect any more? She may need help with this, however I cannot commit to years of unhappiness whilst she may never change, then I too one day will lie in a bed where I will be rarely visited, until the end.


----------



## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

She sounds crackers. Throwing blankets over your head while you are sick, far out I would run very fast away from this one. You can't fix her and she has the potential to destroy you.


----------



## Begin again (Jul 4, 2016)

FrancisM said:


> Dad's decline was sudden and he passed away within a few weeks. I was living with my wife to be, when my mom had a bad reaction to a medication in 2010. I was suddenly a full time carer for about a week, this was initially about 100 miles from where we were living, my wife claimed I deserted her at that time, however we could not face hospitals, psychiatric wards and I had to organize moms care and accommodation etc alone. This took about 3 months, during which I saw my wife to be about every 10 days. After everything settled, I visited mom at her nursing home, around the corner, about 5 hours per week, over about 5 days, until her passing last August.
> 
> It was all my parents, hers are fine.


That's it? That's all? And she acts like it was years that she was put out? Holy cow...!!

I don't get this at all. I can understand someone not knowing how to be emotionally supportive of a spouse if they've never experienced something like an illness with a family member, but to take it to "the sh-t I've had to put up with?" That is cold, ugly, heartless, selfish. And the woman is usually the nurturing one!

I would not stay with her. You deserve to have a life. You could be 80 and I'd say the same. Don't spend another minute with someone like her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Get out. You are still relatively young and can find a woman who at least likes you, never mind loves you.


----------



## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

This woman completely lacks empathy. How cold and heartless. Has she always been like this? Yikes. I couldn't even like a person like this, let alone love them.


----------

