# Would you continue with the band? The final stretch



## lotuslove (Aug 10, 2011)

I posted a while ago about my situation. A guy asked me to join his band. As I got to know him better I become aware he has a long-distance girlfriend. 

I stopped by his house one night to pick up some equipment and he asked to grab a bite with him. The next day I thanked him for dinner in email (as he paid). He responded “It was nice hanging and chatting with you too. I need an uninvolved interesting buddy (dinner, movies, music....) and I appreciate being able to call you if thats ok”. I accepted thinking he meant a platonic thing but about 2 months later discovered he was really been hoping for sex the months he's not with his girlfriend.

Would you continue with the band?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Sex, drugs and rock n roll, no?

I know many musicians and bands...lol...from ages 24 to 60. It's all drama, all the time.

If you want to continue with the band, then do so. But set some boundaries for yourself...unless you really want to live the life. lol. 

My ex is a musician. Never again!!!


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## lotuslove (Aug 10, 2011)

OK.. well here's the clincher. As we were hanging out I started developing feelings for him and I thought he was also. We ended up sleeping together one night after he gave me what seemed a more than friends kiss and I told him I was developing feelings for him. 

A few weeks later (and just a few days before his gf visited.. he finally told me all about her the day after we slept together :roll eyes I met with him for dinner with the intention of telling him of. I told him he should have never initiated anything with me. We got into a big argument and before the night was over he said things to me like "I get mad at you too. This thing skyrocketed and its like you want a commitment right away or you put up a wall!" (also to note, his gf runs 1/2 his business in the other country and he indicated it would be very hard to extricate himself from the relationship.. plus he kinda loves her). I told him I never asked for a commitment and had a wall up because he's in a serious thing with someone else and reminded him he said he would do the say in my situation. He also said "I never planned to fall in love with 2 ppl"... "you and i have more in common"... "I have to sort things out with her".. "it could be a really good thing with you or her" and "I think about you a lot" as I was getting out of his car. He also kept begging me to meet her at a party he was going to throw while she was here. I said "no way. and why do you want me to meet her anyway?" He said he wanted to show me off (I assume he meant my musical talent)

More arguing has ensued since as I felt he led me on by making it seem he only wanted something platonic initially let alone his comments the night I went to tell him off (which he denied for a while but finally admitted to but skewed - ie, the "in love" comment was hypothetical..). We have been arguing about it, beleive it or not, for 9 months now and he still is always asking me to rejoin the band.


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## sprinter (Jul 25, 2011)

He's a player.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Like I said, "Sex, drugs and rock n roll" lolll The life of a musician.


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## lotuslove (Aug 10, 2011)

sprinter said:


> He's a player.


So you dont think he meant any of the things he said just before his gf visited? Why would he egg me on when he knew I was pissed though??


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Because he's a musician. lol. I have seen this time and time again among my musician friends.

Don't worry about what he's doing. Figure out what you want to do.


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## lotuslove (Aug 10, 2011)

Well let's put it this way.... it seems he never respected me, right? I had told him about 5 mos into the band I was going to meet a guy in another country after talking with him online everyday for 7 months. The day after I got back Steve asked me to dinner to talk about the trip (Steve is from same country). I told him the trip didnt got well... guy was alreayd involved with someone even though he fell asleep almost every night with me on Skype and talked as soon as we woke up. Steve told me "You deserve a lot better anyway" as guy had somne other issues.

Anyway, months later, after we got romatnically involved, Steve Steve informed me he thought I didnt value myself to have paid the whole trip to meet the guy (the guy had just lost his business and didnt have any money - I confirmed online he was very wealthy prior). He said "When you realize your value the right guy will come along". I explained I didnt go to the country just to meet the guy but also needed a vacation big time as my roommates and some other situations were driving me crazy at the time. Steve said "I would do ANYTHING to help a woman pay her way to meet me if I thought I was in love with her!" 

So it appears Steve thought I didnt value myself and decided to go ahead and try to take advantage anyway... which also leads me to think he never meant any of the things he said just before his gf visited? If I knew this for sure... I would not have anythign more to do with him.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Then why are you asking what you should do?

Stay with the band, but don't get involved with him (hard to do).

Or quit the band.


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## lotuslove (Aug 10, 2011)

I guess I'm looking for confirmation. Does it sound like he never had respect for me to begin with?


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## lotuslove (Aug 10, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Like I said, "Sex, drugs and rock n roll" lolll The life of a musician.


Not all. I've never done heavy drugs and a lot of musicians I know also haven't and lead pretty peaceful lives with long-term partnerships/marriages.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

lotuslove said:


> Not all. I've never done heavy drugs and a lot of musicians I know also haven't and lead pretty peaceful lives with long-term partnerships/marriages.


Yes, but he seems to have the "rock star" mentality.

Does it sound like he never respected you? If you're asking, then you know the answer.

What do you want to do?


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## sprinter (Jul 25, 2011)

Okay, let's get something straight. This guys a player. Even if his intentions aren't so narcissistic, he's a player. He may seriously think he loves you both but the more likely scenario is he's trying to have you both in some way. Let's say he leaves her and comes to you. Now let's say one of you two make it big. Maybe someone comes to you and says, "Hey, we're going to this place or that and need you." Let's say its for 1 month. Do you think he's going to stay true in that month? I'd venture, no.


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## lotuslove (Aug 10, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Yes, but he seems to have the "rock star" mentality.
> 
> Does it sound like he never respected you? If you're asking, then you know the answer.
> 
> What do you want to do?


He does seem to have that and he has played with some of the most notable people in music.

I have been torn about whether or not he respects me in part because he has been trying to work thur it with me for months now and apologized (but I'm not sure its just lip service) and he even went to see a therapist with me. Thing is we only went once and never got to the real pertient stuff (the stuff he said just before gf vistiied) and the last time I asked him to go again he was unenthused but said he would but then avoided my calls to confirm and I ended up going myself because I couldnt cancel the appointment. I have told him I dont want to perform with him again until we see the therapist one more time. He asked me repeatedly to do a gig with him recetnly even the day of the gig but I ignored his 4 emails he sent in 2 weeks time.

This is in part why I am having a hard time trying to figure out if he respects me. But I think he also fears I might contact his gf as I mentioned it one night as I said something once about how would she feel if she knew he was cheating on her.  He said she would be pissed and would probably destroy his business and he would lose a lot of $.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You aren't dating him but you want him to go to therapy with you?

I don't understand this. What is the relationship you two have?

Maybe he just wants friends with benefits. Maybe he just wants a cool chick to play music with and occasionally have sex with. i don't know.

I do know that this is a LOT of drama for someone you aren't even dating. Oye. Go find someone who WANTS to be with you without all this bullcrap.


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## lotuslove (Aug 10, 2011)

sprinter said:


> Okay, let's get something straight. This guys a player. Even if his intentions aren't so narcissistic, he's a player. He may seriously think he loves you both but the more likely scenario is he's trying to have you both in some way. Let's say he leaves her and comes to you. Now let's say one of you two make it big. Maybe someone comes to you and says, "Hey, we're going to this place or that and need you." Let's say its for 1 month. Do you think he's going to stay true in that month? I'd venture, no.


Possibly not. Before we slept together he asked me to meet him at the music venue we frequent after a few weeks of hanging out. I was talking with a female friend when he came in. He asked us both if we wanted a drink. I said yes... she said no thanks and said she had to go back to a friend she came with. He watched her walk away and asked me her name. I felt slighted by the way he looked at her. Well she is on his Facebook now... the only female from that venue. I'm tempted to ask her if he ever came onto her (it would confirm some things for me). Last I knew she has a bf for a year now but doesnt talk real serious about him.

He said in the therapy session we went to at one point: “I guess I'm getting used to being single again” when the therapist asked him something. I told him not long ago I thought it was a very odd thing to say as I thought his relationship with other woman was very serious. No response from him. “Yes? No?”, I said. He said “Thats something I have to make a decision about at some point too”

Another thing I'm kind of tormented about is how the morning after we slept together he told me all about his relationship with his gf... that they were planning a future etc. A week later over dinner he reiterated even stronger no chance of a serious relationship for he and I. I started to tear up and got really upset and quiet on the ride to a club we were going to after and once there told him I wanted to leave. He said my reaction freaked him out and ruined any thoughts he had had about a serious relationship with me. Great... so it was all my fault because I got upset there was no chance of a relationship??? Does that seem fair/right?

In an email fight we had about it (him = bold): 

*The night we went to [club] all I wanted was to have some fun, be friendly and see what happened. No pressure either way I hoped. I am not trying to put you down or blame you, but in your heart you must know you were a very intimidating person in the restaurant. I started answering your questions about my situation to give you more detail and you just got more and more into yourself with pointed question after question all seemed to be trying to pin me down or catch me out which is your style I have come to know. *

Well who doesnt go on the defensive after they've just been informed no chance of a real relationship with someone they were really digging?????

* Do you ever ask a guy a question because you are genuinely interested or are you always trying to catch him out hanging on his every word?* 

Had we been on a NORMAL date (ie both people truly single) none of that would have happened. I was paying close attention to every word because I couldn't tell where the hell you were coming from for sure 1/2 the time!!!! Thats not how I act on a date with a truly single guy! 

*I hate that and so does every guy in the world. How to win a guy? Show some real interest in them, empathize with where they are and then BACK OFF. Don’t ask question after question that is obviously aimed to dig deep and trap. You expressed zero real interest in my situation what I had to deal with. It was all about you. What did you think? I would just drop everything and suddenly change channels? *

You indicated with no uncertaintly there would never be any channel changing and you yourself said you have had a big wall up had you been in my shoes!!!

*And then the long silences in the car and the disappearing act in the club, it freaked me out. What was planned to be a fun evening turned out to be disaster *


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

He's using you. Stop this nonsense.


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## lotuslove (Aug 10, 2011)

that_girl said:


> You aren't dating him but you want him to go to therapy with you?
> 
> I don't understand this. What is the relationship you two have?
> 
> ...



The therapist was to try to hash things out to see if we could still work together in the band as we both really value the band and each other's musicality and he had even talked about doing an original CD and touring as he knows some people in the business who could help us a lot. For me, it was also to try to see where the hell he had really been coming from.... but we never did the 2nd session with the really pertient stuff (comments he made just before gf visitied) and he has indicated he would prefer not to go again... said he's afriad it will open the can or worms and make things worse. Well we tried to play together a few months ago and it was a disaster. I was on my game but couldnt even look at him... he SUCKED. Even a friend of his told him 1/2 way thry the night he's never seen him play so bad and told him to get a cup of coffee or a drink. He ended up just turning way down the rest of the night.


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## lotuslove (Aug 10, 2011)

that_girl said:


> He's using you. Stop this nonsense.


How do you mean? We haven't slept together for almost a year now.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Then....what is the problem? I am confused.


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## lotuslove (Aug 10, 2011)

1) I still have feelings for him (sexual/emotional).
2) I am not sure he ever respected me or does now
3) I still dont know if any of the strong statements he made were true
4) still hurt and not sure what to make of him telling me my reaction to him telling me there would never be a chance for us ruined any thoughts he had of a serious relationship with me


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

lotuslove said:


> 1) I still have feelings for him (sexual/emotional).
> 2) I am not sure he ever respected me or does now
> 3) I still dont know if any of the strong statements he made were true
> 4) still hurt and not sure what to make of him telling me my reaction to him telling me there would never be a chance for us ruined any thoughts he had of a serious relationship with me


He doesn't respect you. You don't play games with someone you respect. You can ask the same question over and over and the answer isn't going to change.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea, he does not respect you. It's been almost a year since you slept together and all this drama? 

Find someone else. Seriously. You don't need to be dealing with this.


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## lotuslove (Aug 10, 2011)

You're all absolutely positive it was all games? 

Why has he been continuing to try to hash it out with me though???


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

lotuslove said:


> 1) I still have feelings for him (sexual/emotional).
> 2) I am not sure he ever respected me or does now
> 3) I still dont know if any of the strong statements he made were true
> 4) still hurt and not sure what to make of him telling me my reaction to him telling me there would never be a chance for us ruined any thoughts he had of a serious relationship with me


You're a cool chick in a band - ditch this loser and enjoy your fame!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

lotuslove said:


> You're all absolutely positive it was all games?
> 
> Why has he been continuing to try to hash it out with me though???


Drama? Makes him feel like 'da man'? If you're still interested, stay in band and tell him when he gets his stuff in order (single), call you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lotuslove (Aug 10, 2011)

He has expressed he is not interested in anything more than friendship with me... which just adds to the pain really. I was really digging him and thought he was feeling the same. He actually did tell me that last time I saw him a few weeks ago (he had really been digging me when we were involved last year)


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Just let it go. Get an awesome guy and forget this jackhole who just uses you for his own ego boost.


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## lotuslove (Aug 10, 2011)

Well I dont think its just ego.. he wants me in the band.

How can I have the feelings I do for such an *******??? Very out of character for me!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

lol I have been there. It's the charisma of a musician. BELIEVE ME. I was wrapped up in this bullcrap for years....took me years to get over it too.

That's why I'm saying just to stop the drama with him. Tell him you'd love to be in the band but you just aren't interested in him anymore. Even if it's not true-- fake it til you make it. lol.

Or just don't deal at all. But seriously, he doesn't give a rip. And do you really want a man who treats you like this?


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## sprinter (Jul 25, 2011)

Okay, this is so obvious to everyone in here. It's hard when you're in the situation to see clearly. You have to trust objective views. You keeps asking these questions. In the end, does it matter why? He was playing you. The reason you're confused is because he's good at it. It's in his best interest to be as convincing as possible. He may even convince himself he has feelings. The end result is the same. Stop asking yourself these questions and get on with your life. If you want to stay in this band for your career you're going to have to get on firm ground first. It sounds like you can move on and find another band, though.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

sprinter said:


> Okay, this is so obvious to everyone in here. It's hard when you're in the situation to see clearly. You have to trust objective views. You keeps asking these questions. In the end, does it matter why? He was playing you. The reason you're confused is because he's good at it. It's in his best interest to be as convincing as possible. He may even convince himself he has feelings. The end result is the same. Stop asking yourself these questions and get on with your life. If you want to stay in this band for your career you're going to have to get on firm ground first. It sounds like you can move on and find another band, though.


:iagree: Yes. This is true. Lotus, you keep saying the same thing and we keep saying he is a player. Listennnn.


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## lotuslove (Aug 10, 2011)

OK guys.. and thanks. Still find it very odd he has spent countless hours fighting on the phone with me... a guy who is always busy and travels constantly too if just for his ego.

You know it's actually weird. Before I got to know him I would see him around the club and he always struck me as VERY creepy! But after he approached me to join the band and made some wonderful dinners for the whole band before gigs I was like "Man, I had him all wrong!"

No, the creepy is still there.


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## lotuslove (Aug 10, 2011)

One more thing.... what do you make of this? Think my reaction was out of line/over the top.. or all just BS on his part?





lotuslove said:


> Another thing I'm kind of tormented about is how the morning after we slept together he told me all about his relationship with his gf... that they were planning a future etc. A week later over dinner he reiterated even stronger no chance of a serious relationship for he and I. I started to tear up and got really upset and quiet on the ride to a club we were going to after and once there told him I wanted to leave. He said my reaction freaked him out and ruined any thoughts he had had about a serious relationship with me. Great... so it was all my fault because I got upset there was no chance of a relationship??? Does that seem fair/right?
> 
> In an email fight we had about it (him = bold):
> 
> ...


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## tpb72 (Feb 18, 2011)

Not knowing either of you and not being an expert, your story to me seems like you're going over the top here.

In your initial post you had stated he just wanted to set up a FWB from the start but from your further posts it doesn't sound like he ever said anything of the sort.

My guess as to the way things played out was he respected your musical talents lots. You guys started hanging out and he started to dig you. You ended up in bed together. He has this other relationship that's good so he feels bad and confused about things but isn't opossed to living a double life to get the best of both worlds. You start overanalyzing everything that makes the decision about which girl is the right one easier for him (the other girl). He wants to go back to being friends with you for the band's sake. You won't let go of this so are stepping up the interigations and overanalyzing even going to the extreme of dragging him to therapy with you.

In my opinion you should play in the band if that is your passion and you feel it meets your goals; and NEVER EVER go beyond friend zone with the guy again (even if he becomes single). He very obviously greatly respects your musical talent so really nothing else besides that should matter. If you don't feel you can get over your feelings for the guy enough to behave professionally with him, then drop the band.

And to respond to your last post, I do think you were way over the top. You need to move him into friendzone.


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## lotuslove (Aug 10, 2011)

He asked me to be an "uninvolved buddy (dinner, movies, music)." I took it to mean a platonic arrangement as already had a gf, but later found out he was thinking sex also all along. My reaction (tearing up on the car ride to the club and wanting to leave the club without him) was in part because this kind of thing has happened to me numerous times in the past 10 years (ie, guys coming onto me that already have partners or guys that we talk about a future and ended up cheating on me and one even planning life with another woman behind my back). Let alone this guy knew I had just been really disappointed by someone when he started asking to "hang out" and was the last guy I would have thought. Had I known what he was really aiming for from the geto I prob would have told him to go F himself.

The day after we slept together I asked him "How would you feel if your gf were doing same with another guy?" he said "I would be pissed... but's its harder for a guy [to go without sex]". I also said "You told me I deserve so much better [than last guy] and yet you're offering me a worse situation?" He laughed and said "I know!"

Also, months later (the night just before his gf came to visit) he revealed is he thought I didn't value myself because guy I went to meet in other country didnt have a job at the time (he had been very wealthy at one time though and lost his biz) and didnt help me pay for the trip at all. I explained I didnt go just to meet him but also desperately needed to get away (ironically) from several dysfuctional couples at the time that were dragging me into their ****... (inlcuding one bandmate's wife who threatened my life in email for their divorce).

I was really digging the guy and thought he was digging me. Was it really that wrong to feel hurt when he announced no future potential let alone feeling used??? Is it really fair consideirng he just told me no chance in hell??? He asked me a few months ago if I was menstruating that night (which I was). He said in an email war not long ago (caps): "I DIDNT WANT ANYTHING WITH YOU THAT NIGHT and tried to put you off." When we got to his driveway that night we continued talking and he started caressing my hands and we were def still feeling each other. He fianlly said "well you know the deal. What do you want to do?" I leaned over and ksised him and said I wanted to go in the house. He complied right away and was all over me as soon as we got in the door (my bad for caving but it was the last time we slept together.. almost a year ago now)


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## lotuslove (Aug 10, 2011)

Also not sure if I already mentioned.. but he indicated he has to make a decision at some point about whether or not he is going to stay with the gf.


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## BenFrame (Aug 28, 2011)

Ok I know I am new to this but it seems like what ever some replies to you about this guy you defend him...I've read this whole thread, and you keep asking the same question, getting the same answer, and defending the guy again. 

Im not trying to be harsh but I thinnk you are looking for an answer you are not gonna find...as a man I tell you, you're a notch, hje wnet to the theropy so you wouldn't tell his girl friend. HE DOES NOT REPSECT YOU at all


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## lotuslove (Aug 10, 2011)

BenFrame said:


> Ok I know I am new to this but it seems like what ever some replies to you about this guy you defend him...I've read this whole thread, and you keep asking the same question, getting the same answer, and defending the guy again.
> 
> Im not trying to be harsh but I thinnk you are looking for an answer you are not gonna find...as a man I tell you, you're a notch, hje wnet to the theropy so you wouldn't tell his girl friend. HE DOES NOT REPSECT YOU at all


I dont mean to be defending him if that's how it's coming across... I was just uncertain about some things that he did/said. It's crossed my mind many times that he only went to the therapist with me to try to get back on my good side.

Do you think the guy never respected me or only once he found out I paid the complete trip to meet guy in another country? And why should that matter anyway?? He said to me months later "THat was on you!" when I told him what a jerk the guy turned out to be. I said "What do you mean?" He said "If I thought I was in loive with a woman I would do whatever it took to get the $ to meet her!" I said "Well I wasn't convivnced he was the guy I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I went in large part because I needed a change of scene. I was considering the tropics also but none of my friends or family had the time or $ to run off on short notice. I also needed to get away from some ****ty situations people were pulling me into at the time" He said "Oh" That was the same night he said "When you realize your value the right guy will come along" :roll eyes :

What do you think of the stuff I mentioned in my prior two posts above?


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## sprinter (Jul 25, 2011)

I guess I don't know what it is you need to know. Or maybe why. You've said it, he's a jerk. Just move on. It's hard to be objective when you're in the situation. You see all the nuances and you see all the little bits of hope. You cling to them like life-lines. I know, I've been there. Every nice thing they say, every unexpected "Hello" is "oh they want me back" or "they changed their mind" or "what was I thinking, this person really did care and after all they did this or that for me."

You have to turn this guy off in your mind. He no longer exists. And you have to leave him off until you're completely over him.


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