# We don't argue



## 1marriedlady (Mar 27, 2015)

Just wondering if there is anyone else who doesn't argue with their spouse.

We've been together 20+ years and I can recall 2 times where the arguement escalated and things heated up. 
That's not saying we don't disagree, we do. But we don't make things an issue.

I'm a natural redhead so I have a temper -but it takes a lot to tick me off, but when I am, look out. Hubby just sit back and weathers the storm. He doesn't fuel the flames or respond, he waits. 

A few people have said this isn't normal or healthy. Anyone agree or disagree?


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

Sounds like this is normal for your relationship.


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## 1marriedlady (Mar 27, 2015)

Sometimes it ticks me off that he doesn't respond. But that's us - we don't sweat the small stuff.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Gosh, I wish I had a relationship like that with my husband. Where he'd wait out my temper tantrum, or I'd wait out his.

I envy you.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

As long as he does not build up resentment. If the issues are resolved, but you probably want to know his thoughts. I suggest when you calm down, or learn to bring down your heart rate, blood pressure,and can be a bit emotionally detach from a situation, try communicating in a calm manner. Tell him how you feel and what your perspective is, and ask him what his is. Do not use aggressive body language, and do not attack when talking. People will either shut down, attack back, or become defensive. Create a safe environment, and if you need time to cool off, analyze, that is fine also. You have to teach him this as well. Set up ground rules for better communication like no attacking. If tensions rise, call a time-out.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

As long as you don't build up resentments. I would live that dynamic.
However I do have a friend who never argued with his wife. Until divorce


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

As others are mentioning.. I would be concerned with any *unresolved resentment* not being opened up & discussed....

See my thread for a breakdown of the 4 conflict styles .... 

*>>*http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ead-4-types-5-1-ratio-marriage-conflicts.html

According to John Gottman, marriage relationship researcher, negative interactions are balanced by positive ones in stable marriages. The dynamics of the balance between negativity and positivity are what separate contented couples from discontented ones..

In stable marriages, there is a very specific ratio, 5 to 1, between the amount of positive feelings and interactions and negative interactions. In contrast, couples who are likely to divorce, have too little positive interactions to compensate for the for the rising negativity in their marriages.

Your marital conflict style would be >>



> *3.* Conflict-Avoiding Couples
> 
> Conflict-avoiding couples rarely argue, and it seems that they avoid confrontation at all cost. When they discuss their conflicts they do so mildly and carefully, as they don’t feel that there is much to be gained from getting openly angry with each other.
> 
> ...


The 4 conflict styles are ....

*1*. *Volatile*: Erupting Passionate disputes/ arguments

*2. **Validating*: Fight more politely, calm collaborators, a great mutual respect is shown

*3.* *Conflict Avoiding*: Rarely argue, avoid confrontation, may agree to disagree but never get deep	

*4.* *Hostile:* Argue often/ hotly, put downs & sarcasms prevail


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

I had a bf who didn't argue and just sat there when I wanted to discuss something that was on my mind. It was frustrating, and I always wondered what he wasn't saying but bottling up. Eventually, I noticed he was passive-aggressive, and would NEVER talk about anything that bothered him, but would do things to annoy me instead. 

After 20 years, I imagine you know what kind of man your H is. If you don't think he's bottling up his feelings, then it seems he's worked out a way to deal with it when you lose your temper by just letting you blow off steam until you can discuss things without getting heated. Is that enough? Do you need him to express his thoughts and feelings more often? Are you worried he's hiding his thoughts and feelings? 

Does he acknowledge your concerns that caused you to blow up? I think that would be the most difficult part - if he just lets your temper tantrum blow over without ever talking about the things you were upset about.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

My H and I don't fight. We TALK....alot. About everything and anything. We have no reason to fight. We don't raiser our voices to each other, or call names, or say rude things to each other. We "check in" often, asking if everything is ok or if we are ok with this idea, etc....

Plus, we are not conflict avoidant.... IF there should be a disagreement, and I can't even think of one, we talk about it. "What do you think?" My first marriage was very conflict avoidant to the point where it was spouse avoidant!

I THINK, we both learned to communicate based on what didn't work in our first marriages. We are both pretty self-aware. I could fall back into those old patterns (I'm a middle child....we like to be invisible...or we grow used to it, or something!). So sometimes I have to force myself to speak up and say what I think, or how I would do it, or why does he want to do it that way??? But I do. Because I am grown, and it's all good and safe, and he WANTS to hear from me. So we talk. Communication is everything.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

1marriedlady said:


> Just wondering if there is anyone else who doesn't argue with their spouse.
> 
> We've been together 20+ years and I can recall 2 times where the arguement escalated and things heated up.
> That's not saying we don't disagree, we do. But we don't make things an issue.
> ...


Us. My husband and I do not argue, and we have not done for a few years now, thank god.

My dad would also say it is not healthy, he says everybody argues, but not the case with us.

I had a friend not seen her for some time now, but when we were young she always told me her mum and dad never argue. I remember i always used to see them when i must have been about 10 walking around holding hands.

They used to live about 5 mins from my parents house. I moved same town, but different part, moved back and they now live a street away, do you know that they walk past my house about 4 times a week to get to the shop that is just near me, and they still walk by holding hands. I always chuckle to myself as they go by.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I never really argued with my x with the one exception on parenting our children. Once she figured out I wouldn't be bullied about it that stopped. Course we argued when I found out about her affair but that was really about it


I don't argue with my GF. I don't understand really what thier is to argue about anyway. If a problem exists discuss don't argue. I have been with a GF who loved the drama of constant arguing. I just wouldn't engage and eventually broke it off.

I wouldn't want to be in any relationship with constant arguing.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

We got along fine. She's always right and I learned another lesson.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

SunnyT said:


> My H and I don't fight. We TALK....alot. About everything and anything. We have no reason to fight. We don't raiser our voices to each other, or call names, or say rude things to each other. We "check in" often, asking if everything is ok or if we are ok with this idea, etc....
> 
> Plus, we are not conflict avoidant.... IF there should be a disagreement, and I can't even think of one, we talk about it. "What do you think?" My first marriage was very conflict avoidant to the point where it was spouse avoidant!
> 
> I THINK, we both learned to communicate based on what didn't work in our first marriages. We are both pretty self-aware. I could fall back into those old patterns (I'm a middle child....we like to be invisible...or we grow used to it, or something!). So sometimes I have to force myself to speak up and say what I think, or how I would do it, or why does he want to do it that way??? But I do. Because I am grown, and it's all good and safe, and he WANTS to hear from me. So we talk. Communication is everything.


SunnyT - your conflict style is "Validating" *>>*



> *2. *Validating Couples
> 
> Couples who are validators, fight more politely. They are calmer during conflicts, and behave like collaborators as they work through their problems. These couples often compromise, and seek to work out their problems steadily for mutually satisfying results. The mutual respect that they have for each other, limits the amount and level of their arguments.
> 
> ...


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

#3 here - wife has the maturity of a 12 year old, so trying to bring something up with her is useless. Two examples:

1. She doesn't like a friend's wife (to be fair, I'm not a fan of her either). However, she will say things about this woman to a mutual friend's kids (middle school/high school), and when I asked her to not say anything around those kids (because I also do business with this friend and don't want it getting back to him), she flew off the handle saying that if I like her so much I should just hang out with her. All I asked was that she watch what she says and who she says it to. 
2. She gave money to her dumbass PITA sibling, and when I mentioned that we need to ask for it back as we have two kids and we don't go to work every day to support an adult sibling (it had been a while), she went off saying that it was her money and that she will always help family, etc. This sibling is nothing but a mooch, and always finds ways to spend money. 

Is this healthy? No way, and I see the results in how I feel about her (don't want to be around her, sex drive greatly diminished, etc) - however, I'm dealing with a mental and emotional midget, someone that doesn't have a problem dropping cuss words around the kids, and when I tell her to watch her language, she comes back with "I'll say what I want".


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Seems like the validating style.... isn't fighting!  

Whatever it is.... its great!


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

I've been married going on 19 years and we've never fought. Our fights are me getting upset or angry, though I'm not the yelling type, and her just listening and rarely responding. This has caused me hurt and resentment over the years at times, because it comes across that she has no interest in what I'm saying?
My counselor once told me that getting angry at each other shows a strong emotional connection, because if you didn't care, nothing would bother you?


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

Unfortunately for me, mine & my H's style is volatile & hostile...mainly because of him. I usually start out calm but he doesn't know how to fight fair & doesn't put an effort in trying. He says that's "just the way he is" but I call bull on that. Then, I explode. Although it doesn't happen often, when it does it's not pretty.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

SunnyT said:


> Seems like the validating style.... isn't fighting!
> 
> Whatever it is.... its great!


That's definitely the calmer style....Me & my H Fight on occasion...







but you know ....I wouldn't change our dynamics... it makes for some great make up sex! 

The 1st *3* conflict styles are different, but all work in healthy relationships... what matters most is resolving.. our fights can be passionate.. even funny.. but also we've had tears.. I can be Volatile when I get in a mood ....it's not as bad as it sounds... he handles me so well... Smaller tiffs are all validating though.


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