# My husband is having a hard time choosing me or his affair



## newto this (Jan 21, 2013)

We have two kids 13 yo boy and 11 yo girl. we have been married 18+ years. He had an affair that he said only lasted a couple months and that it ended July 2012. I believe it was longer - almost 2 years and that it might still be going on. I know he loves me and our family, but he is struggling with what to do. He recently got an apt and stays there occasionally to "think" Do i try the 180? I'm afraid that will just push him to her. If we were to divorce we would lose our house and I just know their relationship wouldn't work...it's not based in reality. How do i get him to see that his family is what he needs to choose without being too needy? He tells me he loves me and wants to salvage our family and then he flip flops on that and becomes distant. He is on medication for depression and is seeing a counselor on and off and we are in marriage counseling. i just don't think he is being honest about the affair and that he might still have feelings for her...(she was married when the affair started and is now divorced.)

any advice would be soo appreciated!


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Is she married? Have you exposed the affair to his family as well as hers?


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

I'm a personal believer that a long term physical affair (meaning multiple encounters) is a deal breaker in a relationship. What I mean is that that there is no coming back from it; the betrayal and deceit runs too deep to allow you to maintain any self respect by staying in the relationship. However, everyone is different and I'm told that my feelings on this don't apply to the majority of people (who knows?). Anyway, another thing I have a problem with is a WS struggling to choose between an AP and their BS. I also have strong feelings about this. The only opportunity I will give my partner to choose between me and anyone else is the day I asked her to marry me. If she feels the need to choose again between me and another person after we are married, I'll make the choice simple for her: "You can have him, get the f**k out".

What I am saying is, *don't allow your self to be a choice*. You are not a "Plan B". If you really feel that he is still hooked on her, do the 180 and force him to take a stand, if that's what you want. Just don't be a doormat. I understand the need to stay together for financial reasons but that's just a horrible way to live if in the back of your mind you believe that you are your husband's second choice and that you can't trust him.


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## newto this (Jan 21, 2013)

She is no longer married. Not sure but I think the divorce happened during her affair with my husband. i have not revealed it to anyone. I know who she is (not before the affair) but have not contacted her either.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Kick him out. He already made his choice when he got the apartment. People can "think" for free at the library, or the park.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

No; he isn't being honest with you and does still have feelings for her. He won't be able to just shut them off so quickly. 

It is hard to accept; but he is going to have to choose what to do himself. You certainly will lay down what needs to happen from here, but ultimately if he is not willing to give her up, then your marriage will not survive. Right now he is being deceptive-the distance and unable to choose between you and her is what gives it away.

It isn't good that he has an apartment where is goes to "think." He is more than likely seeing his affair partner and meeting her there.

I feel for you-don't you just want to wake him up and have him accept that this woman is not worth losing his family for? I can relate to this as it is what I wanted to do. Again though you can not "make" anyone feel what you want them to.

There will be be lots of good advice for you when others respond.


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## newto this (Jan 21, 2013)

I really think that he feels guilty about this and doesn't want to lose his family. just not sure though How do you even do the 180?


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

His apartment isn't for "thinking". It's for fvcking the OW.

You can't win him back by being nice.

First, you have to ensure the affair is over by killing it once and for all. 

1.) Expose the affair to his friends/family, your friends/ family, and the OW's husband/boyfriend.

2.) Play hardball. It's either you or her. He ends all contact with OW and commits to your marriage. That means being completely transparent, and showing remorse for taking a big sh!t on you and your kids.

3.) He moves back home permanently. No more apartment/love shack.

4.) You control the terms. He cheated, not you. He lied and lied, not you.

5.) Speak with an attorney to educate yourself on the divorce laws in your state. 

6.) File for divorce, and get a separation agreement showing how much child support and spousal support he will be paying you every month. Divorce takes a long time, but the act of filing with be a hard slap of reality. You can always call it off if he wants to reconcile, and you're willing to take him back.

In all of this, do not be a doormat. Make it very clear that you will not accept his behavior and cheating ways. He fixes it or you and the kids are gone. Who cares about your house. You can get another one.

Judge him by his actions. Telling you he "loves you" is a crock. His actions are saying exactly the opposite.

Some more details on when and how the affair started would help. Who is the OW? How did they meet? How did your husband react when you caught him?


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

It's really hard for you to hear I know, but you need to force his decision by dumping him. He chose her by cheating on you. He will not come back to you because you are being nice. He may come crawling back if you dump him.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Well first let me say I completely agree with Middleman. I would not allow myself to be Plan B. I would NOT wait in the wings with our children while he vascillates the pros and cons of each relationship. I'd decide for him. But as MM said, everyone is different. Youre asking us how to deal with this and get his attention, yes?

Absolute first thing to do is - EXPOSE this debachery to anyone and everyone who means anything to either of them. His parents, his siblings, the pastor- who ever matters to HIM. As for her- the same applies. NOTHING ruins the fantasy like reality. Break up the 'fun' with a cold hard dose of it. Exposure goes a long way in ruining the excitement of the "secret". 

Secondly, complete 180. No back and forth. He's got an apartment- let him stay there. Basically what youre doiong right now is letting him have you one night and her another- cake eating to the extreme!

Third, file for D! D takes a long time. You can stop it at any time. But Nothing says "BS-IM not your doormat" like D papers. But dont file and not mean it. If you file be prepared to carry it out but with the hopes that you wont need to. Sometimes a 2x4 to the head is needed to bring them out of the fog a bit.

I know this is hard to imagine but what you are doing is completely unattractive to him. He sees you as weak and powerless. SHE has all the control. You are accepting crumbs from YOUR H. Accepting whatever SHE leaves you. HE sees this as a total turnoff. STOP! Stand up for yourself and your children. Tell him NO MORE! See how his attitude changes. Right now why would he change anything while you are ALLOWING this BS to go on???? Why? YOU are allowing him to have his cake and eat it too.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

I really think that he feels guilty about this and doesn't want to lose his family.

Yes he feels guilty and he should! He is going to lose his family if he doesn't stop his affair. That is not on you, not your issue-it is HIS! He can not have it both ways. Stop allowing this behavior from him as you are worth so much more than how he is disrespecting you.

He is not the person you once knew and I know it hurts, but for your children and yourself tell him you are no longer going to tolerate this indecisiveness. He needs to know exactly what his is going to lose if this affair continues. Stay strong and you can do this!


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## newto this (Jan 21, 2013)

We live in VA and he showed me a worksheet for child support (I have have been home the last 9 years) and only just got a job (very low pay - can't live on it) 2 months ago. he makes over 100K and the worksheet states that he will only have to pay 347/mo there is no way we can live on that. 

He also says that he wants the kids 47% of the time. he had the affair, but if he has the kids that amt of time he won't have to pay much in support. He is a police detective and has already received advise from lawyers, etc. feel very disadvantaged. I did talk to a lawyer, but my ultimate hope is to keep our family together it will destroy our children. they are very attached to him. we also live in a very small town...so that is another angle that will just make it so hard.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

In most cases the WSO is not actually in love with their AP. They love the feeling they get from the AP. They know on some level it is just a fantasy, and the AP is not a better choice than their BSO. That being said they are also in the process of emotionally disconecting from their BSO. They may or may not connect with the AP. Usually they do not because the WSO or AP is not able to maintain the fantasy once the support provided by the BSO is removed.

If the A is caught before they completely disconnect from the BSO and are forced to make a choice, they will end the fantasy.

If the WSO has disconnected from their BSO the A may continue regardless of the BSOs actions.

If the WSO has not been forced to make a choice the process will continue until the WSO is forced to make a choice, or has completely disconnected from their BSO. 

Just some things I have learned that took me a long time to find out. I hope to save you some time frustration and pain.

My wife had an online EA with a complete stranger. She never met him in person. The pain was every bit as real as if she had been with him all that time.

1. The pain from an affair is from the betrayal, and the feelings of rejection. I don't believe the type matters much outside of your perception of the betrayal.

2. Your husband did not love the other woman. He was drawn to the feeling he got from the affair. He may or may not know this yet. He was living a fantasy life. It was not a rejection of you.

3. Do not compare yourself to the other woman. There is absolutely no point in it. His perceptions of her were illusions created by the feeling he got from the affair.

Do not make any decisions about anything at all right now. Instead you should

1. Cry as hard as you can when you feel like crying.

2. Yell as hard as you can when you feel like yelling.

3. Be completely honest with your husband about everything, and demand the same from him.

As much as you are able you should

1. Workout.

2. Eat right.

3. Dress well.

4. Grooming of any kind. 

Make yourself feel as good as you can about yourself.

Drop any expectations you had for the next two years of your life. 


He can show you that scale all he wants. That doesn't mean that's what will play out in court.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

As long as you are held hostage by your fear of losing this man, you will not be capable to doing what it will take to recover him.

"If you cling to your life, you will lose it, and if you let your life go, you will save it." _Luke 17:33_


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## newto this (Jan 21, 2013)

He met her through work. They don't work together anymore, he was a child abuse detective and she was a child care assistant within the county. He denied it until I had proof he couldn't deny.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

WAIT, WAIT!!!!! HE had an A- HE sought an attorney and is basically DARING you to do anything about his A by showing you that you will have to live like a pauper should you leave him????

Jesus! First, what will destroy your children is an unhappy mother. CHildren survive D all the time. Is it ideal- absolutely not. But neither is having the circumstances they are living in right now. And their father is virtuallly holding their mother hostage. He actually put a child support work sheet down in front of your face???? And secondly $347 a mo for over 100k a yr sounds impossible. Did you ask YOUR attorney to do a worksheet???? DONT take the word of a proven LIAR(cheater) here. Do your own work. When I got D'd 19 ys ago my ex made a bit more than that granted but he paid a hell of a lot more than $347 and we had joint custody. Dont let him sell you a bag of ****. See an attorney- tomorrow.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

I know how you feel. My home is my mothers home that me and my wife agreed to take care of. She didn't care what happen as long as we paid the bills to the home and didn't bother her. Which was good.

Unfortunately if my wife pushed a big messy divorce, I would be force to take out money to pay for my and her lawyer as well. in NYC I was already quoted about 25k to 30k for each lawyer. And I would have to put down at least 15k for her lawyer before the judge would consider having her pay the rest if anything.

So the reality is I would have to refinance the house for the 60k and then with all this debt on top of what we already have with the expect child support and such, I would be forced to sell the home and move away to another state. Which would keep me away from my kids. My wife knows this to some degree, so she needs to maintain" try to take me to the cleaners and push me away from my kids" or "accept a reasonable offer and move on". Since she wants out and has this other person she "loves" she keeping it reasonable so it can be settled fast.

So sort of grasping your financial situation, I am hoping he doesn't make the choice based on a financial situation and not one of love. 

But I do believe you need to take a hard line on this. God knows I didn't and she walked all over me. Matter of fact it made things worse me being weak. 

As everyone always says here. The more you show you want them. The more they want to run away. And even though it was said time and time again here and by my brother and close friends. I didn't listen and learned the hard way.


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## newto this (Jan 21, 2013)

I know I have to let go of the fear of losing him...but how exactly do you do that? We have been together 20 years and it has been a good marriage. he is going through a midlife crisis and everything is changing so sad to see it end. at this point, i can't even imagine life without him. Everything right now is just so out of character for him. 

Has anyone seen this resolve into reconciliation? 

I am eating well and don't look bad physically....just don't know what to do about this and it's been 6 months of torture. We are in marriage counseling and he swears the affair is over and wants to rebuild and then the next day he is distant and says he doesn't know what he wants...


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Hardtohandle said:


> I know how you feel. My home is my mothers home that me and my wife agreed to take care of. She didn't care what happen as long as we paid the bills to the home and didn't bother her. Which was good.
> 
> Unfortunately if my wife pushed a big messy divorce, I would be force to take out money to pay for my and her lawyer as well. in NYC I was already quoted about 25k to 30k for each lawyer. And I would have to put down at least 15k for her lawyer before the judge would consider having her pay the rest if anything.
> 
> ...


Standing up to a bully is God's work. Trust me. He is indeed bullying you and youre fighting to KEEP him???? He's using your childrens welfare against you and youre fighting to keep him??? Look for a job and leave him on the side of the road with the rest of the road kill.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

newto this said:


> I know I have to let go of the fear of losing him...but how exactly do you do that? We have been together 20 years and it has been a good marriage. he is going through a midlife crisis and everything is changing so sad to see it end. at this point, i can't even imagine life without him. Everything right now is just so out of character for him.
> 
> Has anyone seen this resolve into reconciliation?
> 
> I am eating well and don't look bad physically....just don't know what to do about this and it's been 6 months of torture. We are in marriage counseling and he swears the affair is over and wants to rebuild and then the next day he is distant and says he doesn't know what he wants...


R doesn't happen until you show you are willing to D.

When I caught my W cheating I dumped her day one. I'm glad I did, because I have learned a lot since then. She came around right then. If I had begged I'd have lost her.

Everytime I read posts where the BS tries to win their WS back by being nice, begging, etc it never ends well. The only time a BS wins out is when they show they have the self respect to say GTFO.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

He's holding you hostage with your fear. Hostages make lousey bargaining chips because you can only shoot them once. Get over your fear and take away his hostage.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

newto this said:


> We live in VA and he showed me a worksheet for child support (I have have been home the last 9 years) and only just got a job (very low pay - can't live on it) 2 months ago. he makes over 100K and the worksheet states that he will only have to pay 347/mo there is no way we can live on that.
> 
> He also says that he wants the kids 47% of the time. he had the affair, but if he has the kids that amt of time he won't have to pay much in support. He is a police detective and has already received advise from lawyers, etc. feel very disadvantaged. I did talk to a lawyer, but my ultimate hope is to keep our family together it will destroy our children. they are very attached to him. we also live in a very small town...so that is another angle that will just make it so hard.


Don't believe those child support numbers he gave you. They are utter crap. I make 100K plus, and my payments for two kids are over $1000...and my STBXW works too! And I wasn't even the cheater! (no-fault states suck). Talk to a lawyer and let him/her tell you what to expect. If you've been a stay-at-home mom for most of your marriage, and he makes 100K+, then he's screwed. He showed you those bogus worksheet #'s to manipulate you.

He's being a big-time cake eater. He has the comfort of a family, and his fvck-chick on the side. 

Check out chumplady's site, because at this point in time you are being a little chump-ish (don't worry, we all were at first).

The Unified Theory of Cake

Oh yeah, and divorce will not destroy your children. Tolerating a cheating, unremorseful husband will.


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## newto this (Jan 21, 2013)

ThreeStrikes said:


> Don't believe those child support numbers he gave you. They are utter crap. I make 100K plus, and my payments for two kids are over $1000...and my STBXW works too! And I wasn't even the cheater! (no-fault states suck). Talk to a lawyer and let him/her tell you what to expect. If you've been a stay-at-home mom for most of your marriage, and he makes 100K+, then he's screwed. He showed you those bogus worksheet #'s to manipulate you.
> 
> He's being a big-time cake eater. He has the comfort of a family, and his fvck-chick on the side.
> 
> ...


Thank you. I know I need to hear this. It's just that I trusted him and he has been the love of my life for the last 20 years. I just don't understand how he could want to throw us away.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

ThreeStrikes said:


> Don't believe those child support numbers he gave you. They are utter crap. I make 100K plus, and my payments for two kids are over $1000...and my STBXW works too! And I wasn't even the cheater! (no-fault states suck). Talk to a lawyer and let him/her tell you what to expect. If you've been a stay-at-home mom for most of your marriage, and he makes 100K+, then he's screwed. He showed you those bogus worksheet #'s to manipulate you.
> 
> He's being a big-time cake eater. He has the comfort of a family, and his fvck-chick on the side.
> 
> ...


Spot on!!!! (Cant believe I just recommended Chump Lady's site though)

EVERYTHING here is absolutely correct! 

GET A Lawyer. As a matter of fact most will do a worksheet for free on consultation.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

ThreeStrikes said:


> Don't believe those child support numbers he gave you. They are utter crap. I make 100K plus, and my payments for two kids are over $1000...and my STBXW works too! And I wasn't even the cheater! (no-fault states suck). Talk to a lawyer and let him/her tell you what to expect. If you've been a stay-at-home mom for most of your marriage, and he makes 100K+, then he's screwed. He showed you those bogus worksheet #'s to manipulate you.
> 
> He's being a big-time cake eater. He has the comfort of a family, and his fvck-chick on the side.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

I really can't agree with this post enough.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

newto this said:


> Thank you. I know I need to hear this. It's just that I trusted him and he has been the love of my life for the last 20 years. I just don't understand how he could want to throw us away.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And you likely never will understand his mindset. Thats the real rub. So sorry but the guy you knew sounds long gone.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You need facts and knowledge to help guide you through this.

You need a lawyer to tell your real legal options in a D.

You need to know if the affair is still on.

You need to know all the details about the ow. Her past relationships, also if she is with anyone else other than your husband now.

You need to know if there are any other women in you husbands life.

Get a lawyer and consider a PI along with a VAR in yo it husbands car and appartment.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

newto this said:


> Thank you. I know I need to hear this. It's just that I trusted him and he has been the love of my life for the last 20 years. I just don't understand how he could want to throw us away.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's really not something you should expect to understand. Put simply he got a good feeling from engaging in the A. He mistook that feeling for love. He threw away a good M for it. That feeling will eventually wear off and he will wonder WTF he was thinking. 

Unfortunately you may be through D before that happens. You can't wait on it. If you let him string you along he will just cake eat or worse.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Honestly you are tolerating way too much crap. No one should ever be put through something like this. You may still love him but he is clearly not acting with love. Play hard ball. Drop his cheating cake eating @$$ and earn your self respect back.


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## newto this (Jan 21, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> You need facts and knowledge to help guide you through this.
> 
> You need a lawyer to tell your real legal options in a D.
> 
> ...


I was thinking about a PI just so I could know for sure. I think I already know but he is pretty convincing at times and is attending marriage counseling. My concern is that he is a cop and very attentive. Would hate to get caught that way. But if it works I could have grounds to divorce in VA and that is used in determining alimony. He said that since I forgave the affair and we tried to reconcile that is condonation and so it is no longer a valid reason for a divorce due to cause and we would have a no fault divorce instead. What is a VAR?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

The person in control of the relationship is the one who is willing to end it.

That person needs to be you.

As you will read so often here: *You have to be willing to lose your marriage in order to save it. *

Up to this point, your cheating husband has had no real consequences for his lying, deceptive ways. It's time to give him some hard, in-your-face, consequences. He needs to answer the hard questions, make a decision, and choose you or her.

No more limbo. No more cake-eating. No more fence sitting. No more playing you for a fool.

You do know that they are still fvcking each other. Your gut says so.

Make sure you get a STD test. Demand that he get one, too, and shows you the results. 

Marriage counselling is a waste of $ if the affair is still going on, and it is.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

The next time he goes to his apartment to "think" make him take the kids. Since it is such a great place to gather thoughts, they will benefit from a good quiet place to do homework. Make it inconvenient for him. I'm sure the OW doesn't want to play step-mommy. Make her see a married man is a package deal.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

newto this said:


> I was thinking about a PI just so I could know for sure. I think I already know but he is pretty convincing at times and is attending marriage counseling. My concern is that he is a cop and very attentive. Would hate to get caught that way. But if it works I could have grounds to divorce in VA and that is used in determining alimony. He said that since I forgave the affair and we tried to reconcile that is condonation and so it is no longer a valid reason for a divorce due to cause and we would have a no fault divorce instead. What is a VAR?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Don't take advice from him. He has proven he can't be trusted. Lawer up. That's where you should get your legal advice. You should be able to tell if your H is lying by following one simple rule. *If his mouth is open he's lying.*


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

newto this said:


> I was thinking about a PI just so I could know for sure. I think I already know but he is pretty convincing at times and is attending marriage counseling. My concern is that he is a cop and very attentive. Would hate to get caught that way. But if it works I could have grounds to divorce in VA and that is used in determining alimony. He said that since I forgave the affair and we tried to reconcile that is condonation and so it is no longer a valid reason for a divorce due to cause and we would have a no fault divorce instead. What is a VAR?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Got yourself a real piece of work here. Sounds to me like he's only interested in the money. He's only going to MC to 'prove' he is legitamately 'trying' to R. Why dont you just drive by that apt one night and see whats going on??? Or yes, get a PI- it will only take a day or two I'd bet. A couple of pics and his ship is sunk.UFB. 

Im so sorry that after 20 years this is what he's giving you. Please do yourself a favor and get to the bottom of this and then move on.


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## newto this (Jan 21, 2013)

canttrustu said:


> Got yourself a real piece of work here. Sounds to me like he's only interested in the money. He's only going to MC to 'prove' he is legitamately 'trying' to R. Why dont you just drive by that apt one night and see whats going on??? Or yes, get a PI- it will only take a day or two I'd bet. A couple of pics and his ship is sunk.UFB.
> 
> Im so sorry that after 20 years this is what he's giving you. Please do yourself a favor and get to the bottom of this and then move on.


I know I must sound pathetic. I know I need to accept reality. Just so hard to think it's over. I will get the PI and I have spoken to a lawyer...just really hate this
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Find a PI that used to be FBI so he's not intimidated by your H being a cop. Easier to find than you might think.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

newto this said:


> I know I must sound pathetic. I know I need to accept reality. Just so hard to think it's over. I will get the PI and I have spoken to a lawyer...just really hate this
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You dont sound pathetic- you sound shellshocked. But you MUST pull your head out of the sand now. He's outplaying you. YOU have an anvantage in that he is thinking with his d!ck and you can think with your brain- get to it!!!!

Believe ONLY what YOUR attorney tells you. ONLY what you see or hear with your own ears. NOTHING he says is of value- its all gaslighting. Right now he's taking your for the "little wifey" and he wont be expecting you to outplay him. *NOW is your time.
BUT do NOT tell him anything you know. THAT will be very difficult. Its best to let him find out via D papers. IF you expose yourself as being onto him you'll lose the ability to find things as he will become more adept at hiding them. So IOW- eyes and ears open- mouth closed for now.*


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

newto this said:


> I know I must sound pathetic. I know I need to accept reality. Just so hard to think it's over. I will get the PI and I have spoken to a lawyer...just really hate this
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No one sounds like a champ when they're going through this. 

That being said you need to fight. It may take some work to stand up but you need to do it. 

I really am sorry you are here. We know your pain. We've gone through it, and read thousands of posts from people going through it.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Var is a voice activated recorder.

Your husband is talking out of both sides of his mouth.

Let's be clear, the appartment is so he can continue to cheat. No other reason for having it.

Your husband sounds very sure of himself and arrogant, that will be is undoing here when you take back charge of your own decisions and get knowledge and truth instead of what he is feeding you.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

OP, you are being played. 

He's seeing her at the apartment, and holding you hostage in the marriage with these phony numbers. He's probably snickering behind your back that you are buying all of this, hook, line and sinker.

Get strong. Take a stand.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

You need to reach down deep and unleash your inner B!tch! 

You deserve better than this. 

Your kids deserve better than this.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Please, don't believe anything he tells you!! He is looking out for himself and no one else. He is doing nothing but playing a manipulation game and feeding you a bunch of bull. You said you had proof of the affair that your husband could not deny. Hold on to that and go talk to an attorney ASAP! Make sure you get a really good attorney, one who specializes in divorce/family law.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

newto this said:


> I know I must sound pathetic. I know I need to accept reality. Just so hard to think it's over. I will get the PI and I have spoken to a lawyer...just really hate this
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Actually, he needs to face reality. He knows what that reality involves, and he is trying to avoid the financial loss. Think about it......why hasn't he filed for divorce if he is so gung ho with all this information?


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Don't get overwelmed by the advice your getting. While most of it will be very useful and contains wisdom you will come to understand with time, but it's a lot to digest. 

Two things you should try to understand...

1. Almost everything your husband is telling you is a lie. You are a victim of abuse. What your husband is doing though unintentional, is abuse. You are a victim of gaslighting. It's a form of mental and emotional terrorism. 

2. Your marriage is over. Dead. Done. Over. What your holding onto is just memories, and ideals. Regardless of happens from here, the marriage you remember and _that husband_ is gone. You said you husband is having a hardtime choosing... No, he's not. He already chose. You have nothing left to lose.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

You MUST DIVORCE him and tell him that you WILL NOT put up with this. PERIOD. If you stand strong NOW, it will save you a world of hurt later. Trust me, I know. David


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

A great many of us here could write books covering all of the things we have learned about behavior and infidelity. Endless pages of information covering advanced behavioral psychology, neurochemicals and hormones, defense mechinisms, coping strategies and every facet of the human relationship dynamic.

Here is the single greatest piece of advice I can offer you...

Remove the word "but" from your vocabulary.

When you catch yourself talking to yourself or anyone else.. If you hear the word "but" in your sentence or your thoughts... Catch yourself. "but" is an excuse. It's your worst enemy. A clausal statement to find a way not to do something. There is no "but" or "what if". There is only what is. To change what is, takes action. 

*BUT...* That's hard.


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## member2012 (Jul 12, 2012)

Hi Newtothis,
So sorry you are going through this. I have not posted much in a long time, but there is something about your situation that is really bothering me. 

I feel cornered by him when I read your story, he is intimidating being a cop. He has his police force buddies to help him out, the boy's club, that feeling must give him confidence, which makes him feel powerful. Hard to overcome, but it can be done!

I would VAR him in his car, he probably has a secret phone he talks to her on so you can not find out about it and so you can not use the phone records in court. I would use a very quiet VAR so he can't hear it turn on or off.

The fact that he is telling you in MC that the affair is over would then give you the opportunity to say that this is a new affair and he can no longer claim that you new about it it so you can hopefully use it against him in court. See what your attorney says.

I would hire a really good PI that doesn't know anybody at the police force, the last thing you want is the PI tipping off his buddies at the police force that you hired somebody, you said it was a small town...

I am guessing that the OW is giving him an ultimatum and that he now has to choose you or her. He really doesn't want to choose her because if he did, he would have already chosen her. He wants both. If you put your foot down, you probably have a good chance that he will want to work out your marriage. But it will have to be a very big foot. 

They never make a choice until they actually have something very real to lose. 

He wants to keep things the way they are because it works for him. 

Good Luck.


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## member2012 (Jul 12, 2012)

Oh, and I would Expose, Expose Expose!!!


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## newto this (Jan 21, 2013)

member2012 said:


> Oh, and I would Expose, Expose Expose!!!


Thank you for all the advice. So unbelievably hard to hear that it is over. So don't want that for my family. I will take your advice though and call the attorney back as well as a PI.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

newto this said:


> Thank you for all the advice. So unbelievably hard to hear that it is over. So don't want that for my family. I will take your advice though and call the attorney back as well as a PI.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


None of us wanted to be in this club. Be strong. You'll get through it and probably be happier when its all said and done. So will your kids.

Your kids will learn from this. They will learn how to handle a cheating spouse the proper way....from you. Set a good example.

Your kids are the same age as mine. They are old enough to know what is going on.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

After 20 years he is bored with his home life. 

She is exciting. But you? You have to care for the kids, prepare meals, clean the house, do laundry, care for the pets, you do this in your comfort and practical clothes, probably some well worn sweats?

You don't go dancing often enough, on nights you aren't tired you have to wait for the kids to be in bed before you and your H can hit the sheets. 

But her? She gets to greet him with a B-J wearing lingerie and thigh highs at the door. She doesn't ask him to fix the toilet or take out the garbage. He doesn't have to take her car in for repairs or sweep out her garage. 

So, no you don't have a leg to stand on because he has "seen the single life" and lacks the character to be a real LIVE and ACTIVE husband and father. At her house he has nothing better to do than to take her dancing, buying her flowers and acting the Romeo. Who's he going to pick?

Drop the dead weight. See a shark lawyer.


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

Hey newtothis,
You have a cake eater. Someone linked you over to my site Chump Lady -- please visit, as cake eaters are a personal speciality of mine. I was married to one once. 

A couple things -- you're seeing the world right now through YOUR moral lens. Totally human thing to do, but totally useless when dealing with a cheater. Cake is his PREFERRED lifestyle choice. He will act in ways to maintain cake -- which i know is so hard to understand right now.

You say he feels guilty -- no, he doesn't. I think you're projecting how you would imagine feeling if you were in his shoes. Or he is mouthing "remorse" to you. It's all about his ACTIONS. His actions say cake -- you and her. The apartment is about cake. The marriage counseling is about cake. He's throwing you a bone, going through the motions to keep you hooked, so he can keep having both. 

Now then, about his arrogance on divorce. You have a lot of power New. USE IT. I got divorced in the commonwealth of Va. once -- it's a fault state. You are a lucky person -- get that evidence and get a pit bull attorney who will know what to do with it. If you live in Northern Va. -- send me a private message and I can give you the name of my former attorney, who is a total shark. 

Fault matters. Evidence matters. You did not "forgive" him, courts won't see it that way, he talking out of his ass. Listen to a skilled family law attorney, you will feel SO much better afterwards.

Time to be a cool cucumber and get yourself together. Hire that PI, get that evidence, and give it to your lawyer. Don't flinch. He's counting on your conscience and your love for him and your guilt and horror at breaking up your home -- he's relying on your goodness to feast his fat face on CAKE.

Don't tolerate this crap another second. I know it's hard, and I'm sorry you're going through it. But get MAD -- and let that fuel you forward. You are no one's consolation prize!


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## Tryingtobreath (Jan 2, 2013)

Contact OW ex husband. Chances are he has info for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## newto this (Jan 21, 2013)

chumplady said:


> Hey newtothis,
> You have a cake eater. Someone linked you over to my site Chump Lady -- please visit, as cake eaters are a personal speciality of mine. I was married to one once.
> 
> A couple things -- you're seeing the world right now through YOUR moral lens. Totally human thing to do, but totally useless when dealing with a cheater. Cake is his PREFERRED lifestyle choice. He will act in ways to maintain cake -- which i know is so hard to understand right now.
> ...



Thank you. We do live in northern Virginia. I will figure out how to message you. It is so strange to me that I have had all this support in just one day and the person I have spent the last 20 years with has done this. I am calling a PI from work tomorrow. I recently found out that he had my password and was tracking my phone! I think bc he is a cop he has access to things and does use it to intimidate me. Someone said that their kids were the same age as mine and that it is a good lesson for them to see how to behave with a cheater. They have no idea he cheated. They do know we have problems and that Dad has an apt and that Mom is sad alot. Would you tell them the truth? Another fear of mine is that I don't want her near my kids and there is just nothing I can do about that. Also- I have been the primary parent and the stay at home Mom and his plan is to have them "47 percent" of the time. I think that number is based on the fact that he can pay less in child support.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Yep - 47% is the plan to reduce the CS. 
He's a schemer, a cheat, and a liar. After 20 yrs he feels he is entitled to a few affairs. 

Don't lie to your kids. If they ask - tell them he thinks he doesn't love you anymore. But that you both love them. They'll still have a roof over their heads and there may be tears and sadness from you but it isn't because of them.


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## newto this (Jan 21, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> After 20 years he is bored with his home life.
> 
> She is exciting. But you? You have to care for the kids, prepare meals, clean the house, do laundry, care for the pets, you do this in your comfort and practical clothes, probably some well worn sweats?
> 
> ...


This is exactly what I thought. But won't he realize it once it's no longer the fantasy? She is recently divorced and has 2 boys @9&10 years old. I told him that it would end up the same except that one day he will wake up and be with someone he doesn't even really know living in a house with kids that aren't even his. He does have real life at our house, but don't they realize once reality hits the affair will be the same thing? And I really do take care of myself. I'm 44 (she is 36) but I'm a runner and a size 4 so he has nothing to complain about there. He just wants to have time without kids. He even said he would rather only see the kids part-time since they are becoming teens and harder to handle. Won't this really hurt the kids? I'm so worried about them. The thought of them having to switch homes just makes me so sad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

What a jerk he is! Take care of yourself & your kids.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

newto this said:


> This is exactly what I thought. But won't he realize it once it's no longer the fantasy? She is recently divorced and has 2 boys @9&10 years old. I told him that it would end up the same except that one day he will wake up and be with someone he doesn't even really know living in a house with kids that aren't even his. He does have real life at our house, but don't they realize once reality hits the affair will be the same thing? And I really do take care of myself. I'm 44 (she is 36) but I'm a runner and a size 4 so he has nothing to complain about there. *He just wants to have time without kids. He even said he would rather only see the kids part-*time since they are becoming teens and harder to handle. Won't this really hurt the kids? I'm so worried about them. The thought of them having to switch homes just makes me so sad.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


OMG - what a heartless PIG. 

He is not being a MAN in any way!

A family man focuses on providing, building,disciplining kids, helping with homework, supporting his wife, and dozens of other obligations. 

A pig looks at hem-lines and chases skirts, makes babies, and abandons them. 

You are right. One day he will wake up and wonder what happened to his life. He will realize that every glittery thing is not gold. He had gold and gave it up for 'easy sleaze' - when that day comes you will know it. I hope that by then you will have settled into a new and fulfilling life. 

And you will have such a life. But you need to detach from him first. Yes, I know he's gone. But you still have him, and the hurt he caused, in your mind. You can't help that. BUT you will overcome it.

Please listen carefully to Chumplady. You have a wonderful resource in her. She's your secret weapon.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You sound bewildered and hurt, which is completely understandable. You are still living in the reality of your 20-yr. marriage, where you have been loyal and loved your spouse. In this frame of reference, you can't fathom what he is doing or thinking.

But emotionally and sexually he's moved on from you.

He is lying about so much. You don't want to believe it, because it's not the man you think you know. But he's lying.

He's lying about his affair, how long it was, what happened, whether it's over - it isn't over. He's seeing her at his bachelor digs.

He's lying about the apartment, why he wants it, what he does there.

He's lying about marriage counseling, whether he cares about it, whether he wants it to work.

He's lying about the child support, how much he would have to pay, how poor it would leave you.

He's lying about his future with you. He is on his way out, but can't bring himself to do it because it's much, much easier to cake-eat.

So, you have to push yourself past the bewildered stage to the angry, determined stage & start watching out for number one. Watching out for your best interests automatically ensures that you watch out for your children's best interests.


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## newto this (Jan 21, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> OMG - what a heartless PIG.
> 
> He is not being a MAN in any way!
> 
> ...


Thank you! I really have no idea how I am going to get over him. I just know I have to do it. He is very charming and knows me so well that he knows what to do and say to hook me. So many times I have told myself to move on....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Charming like a snake. Keep that in mind. He's hurting you, he's hurting his kids. And I know you don't want to hear this but really - he's hurting his affair partner. 

Out of the three of you: Him, her, you. Who has integrity? Who has character? Who has honor? 

Unfortunately it's you who has to pay the _initial_ high price. But in the long run, it'll be him who pays the _*final*_ price. No family, kids who just tolerate him, no anchor in life. 

It's not fair at all that you are the one who is paying for his callous behavior - but you can do it. You can.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

I don't usually subscribe to a hard line, but in your case, it's clear as can be that he is manipulating you every step of the way. He is not only cheating, lying, and pulling out every stop so that things go his way, but he is also playing your heart like a fine tuned violin. 

My worry for you is that if you start striking back its going to get really ugly. Do you have a suppot system in place? Being a cop, as you well know, he is trained in intimidation technigues. I am sure you just didn't expect that he would use them on you, but he is and will do so even more if you start fighting back. Prepare well and be carefull please!

Stop making excuses for him and open your eyes to see the real man before you. It's not the one you maarried, nor the one you have been telling us about!!! It's a man who has already researched all his options and has set up a plan to get what he wants while paying as little as possible for it. He does not give a rat's a$$ about you or your children nor what the cost is to you all. And thus far you have been totally on board with HIS PLAN! Now is the time to rip up his plan for you and write your own plan for yourself. Good Luck!


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

newto this said:


> We live in VA and he showed me a worksheet for child support (I have have been home the last 9 years) and only just got a job (very low pay - can't live on it) 2 months ago. he makes over 100K and the worksheet states that he will only have to pay 347/mo there is no way we can live on that.
> 
> He also says that he wants the kids 47% of the time. he had the affair, but if he has the kids that amt of time he won't have to pay much in support. He is a police detective and has already received advise from lawyers, etc. feel very disadvantaged. I did talk to a lawyer, but my ultimate hope is to keep our family together it will destroy our children. they are very attached to him. we also live in a very small town...so that is another angle that will just make it so hard.


His worksheet is a figment of his imagination. $347 a month on his salary? I don't think so try $3,000 a month to start.

My STBXH (cheat and liar like yours) is also in law enforcement. He makes over $100k a year and even with me working full-time (just went back to work like you after being home for 8 yrs) he still has to pay me $2,300 a month in alimony and child support.

Don't let the fact they are in LE spook you. They like to think they have some legal advantage over you but they don't. Don't buy into it. Its scare tactics to make you feel helpless. 

PLEASE don;t let him stay in your house any longer, kick him out tell him firmly its you or her and you won't be his second choice.

I totally understand keeping your family together but at what price? Being his doormat? Don't you want someone who truly loves you and cherishes your marriage? Not this guy.

Don't be afraid to take the step of divorce, in my opinion being alone and a good committed parent to your kids beats being his doormat any day.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

newto this said:


> Thank you. We do live in northern Virginia. I will figure out how to message you. It is so strange to me that I have had all this support in just one day and the person I have spent the last 20 years with has done this. I am calling a PI from work tomorrow. I recently found out that he had my password and was tracking my phone! I think bc he is a cop he has access to things and does use it to intimidate me. Someone said that their kids were the same age as mine and that it is a good lesson for them to see how to behave with a cheater. They have no idea he cheated. They do know we have problems and that Dad has an apt and that Mom is sad alot. Would you tell them the truth? Another fear of mine is that I don't want her near my kids and there is just nothing I can do about that. Also- I have been the primary parent and the stay at home Mom and his plan is to have them "47 percent" of the time. I think that number is based on the fact that he can pay less in child support.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So does his job allow for that kind of time with the kids???? I know cops and detectives- they work ALOT. None of them are hands on kinds of parents unless they have very particular kinds of jobs and so far as I know child abuse detective is not one of them?????


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

So sorry you are going through this, but he has thought about this a lot. Now is the time that you get angry and fight back. He shows no remorse and is playing you now because he can. You have been a great supporting wife, and he has not seen the woman that you are capable of being. You are a mother, and he has forced you to become a momma bear, not just for your chilren, but for yourself. Protect your den. He is a threat to you now. He is throwing threats your way. He doesn't think you are capable of anything, and you CAN prove him wrong. Forget what he was, and see what he is...an a-hole with no morals and no love for his family. He thinks he is all that, so him what you are. You are all that and more. Get a support system in place (family, friends (who are not friends of his or his coworkers), and get that shark lawyer and attack first. Do not back down no matter how difficult it gets. Fighting for your children and yourself will be hard, but in the long run, a lot easier that living with the crap that he has planned for you. Show your children what it means to be a parent. You are their role model. You can do this.


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

New, I replied to your PM. Hire my former lawyer and your cop husband won't have a pot to piss in. 

Your H is a narcissistic ass. He's entitled. He's used to getting things exactly as he wants them (right now, namely CAKE). That sh*t is going to end when you lawyer up and divorce him.

He's not getting 47%. You live in a FAULT state. Get your evidence New. Give it to your lawyer (John). You've been a SAHM? No judge is going to take your kids from you. Especially not to that controlling, cheating freak. 

Just because your freak SAYS something is going to happen? DON'T BELIEVE IT. You're used to him being a little demi-God in your life. Start seeing him for who he is -- a bully.

Stand up to that bully. You're going to have the last laugh. ANd if your kids are teens, they're also going to get a say about where they live and how much shuttling around they have to do. No one can make them spend 47% of their time with that jerk. 

You've got power here. USE it. And again, please get the best legal help you can, because your H thinks he can push you around. John is not easily intimated -- he's an ex-marine with 30 years experience in those courts. If your H is going to get ugly, you need a John S. or someone like him on your side. Do NOT mediate with that bully!


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I want to add that you should seek help from your family and friends as well. Let the cat out of the bag with them. See the reactions you are getting from complete strangers? Imagine what your parents/siblings/best friends would say or do to help you and support you. You need those people right now. Expose this lying man's ways to the people you can trust in your life, and lean on them in any way you can.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

New, you mentioned that he is tracking your phone. 

I would also bet that he monitors your computer activity.

It would be wise to delete your browsing history, or browse in stealth mode, so that he doesn't discover this website and become aware of your intentions.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

mary35 said:


> I don't usually subscribe to a hard line, but in your case, it's clear as can be that he is manipulating you every step of the way. He is not only cheating, lying, and pulling out every stop so that things go his way, but he is also playing your heart like a fine tuned violin.
> 
> My worry for you is that if you start striking back its going to get really ugly. Do you have a suppot system in place? Being a cop, as you well know, he is trained in intimidation technigues. I am sure you just didn't expect that he would use them on you, but he is and will do so even more if you start fighting back. Prepare well and be carefull please!
> 
> Stop making excuses for him and open your eyes to see the real man before you. It's not the one you maarried, nor the one you have been telling us about!!! It's a man who has already researched all his options and has set up a plan to get what he wants while paying as little as possible for it. He does not give a rat's a$$ about you or your children nor what the cost is to you all. And thus far you have been totally on board with HIS PLAN! Now is the time to rip up his plan for you and write your own plan for yourself. Good Luck!


A police detective would have training for hostage negotiation, suicide prevention and verbal judo. All based on psychology and about making conversations go your way.


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## newto this (Jan 21, 2013)

Ovid said:


> A police detective would have training for hostage negotiation, suicide prevention and verbal judo. All based on psychology and about making conversations go your way.


Thank you so much for all the advice. I am going to do this...scared to death though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

OP, please stand up for yourself and leave him. Flat out leave him. Don't leave him thinking it will convince him to stay. Get out of that mindset. Just leave him knowing you are LEAVING HIM. He is a complete jerk who is using you and most likely doesn't love you at all.

This is my problem with a lot of women who are being cheated on. They tend to see this as a competition instead of what it really is. OP you talk about how great he has it with you, how you look compared to her, etc. All thinking that he is some prize that you are holding out for and will win over this OW. You want him to choose you over her, like that will make you feel good? Why is he so great that you need to be worthy enough to win out over this woman? 

The black and white truth of it is that your husband has no respect for you and is sleeping with another woman. This is about him and how cruel he is being to you. How is HE worthy of YOU? Don't put up with it and don't try to convince him to come back. You are just giving him the OK for this abuse he is putting you through.

Please please follow Chumplady's advice. You will be fine without him. You will be happier in the long run without him and your home life will be healthier for everyone.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

newto this said:


> Thank you so much for all the advice. I am going to do this...scared to death though.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You wouldnt be human if you werent scared. Use that fear to your advantage. Use it to be on hightened alert. Use it to protect yourself like a cornered animal. Think with your brain while he thinks with his d!ck.


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## LdyVenus (Dec 1, 2012)

He doesn't have to choose, you are aware he is cake eating and not doing anything about it. I agree with Middleman, where is your dignity and self respect? Who cares about the house. I don't think any house is worth what you are going through. Where is your anger? You should do some investigating and maybe what vyou find will help you move forward.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

newto this said:


> We live in VA and he showed me a worksheet for child support (I have have been home the last 9 years) and only just got a job (very low pay - can't live on it) 2 months ago. he makes over 100K and the worksheet states that he will only have to pay 347/mo there is no way we can live on that.


HE IS LYING TO YOU.

If he makes that much, he has to pay you to live IN THE MANNER TO WHICH YOU HAVE BECOME ACCUSTOMED. In other words, if you're used to driving a car and not riding a bus, he has to pay you enough child support to continue to let you buy cars.

My dad had to pay $100/month, and that was 40 years ago.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Please listen to the invaluable advice you are getting on this thread. Everyone here is experienced in dealing with cheaters and they all follow the same script.

You are a strong woman and don't deserve the bullying you are getting. You can do this. You got this. And we (TAM) are here to help you!!! Please take the advice. 

I really want to echo ChumpLady's post. Get that shark lawyer. You will need it. Your WH doesn't have a leg to stand on as you are a SAHM and in a fault state. Get your evidence and get to the lawyer asap!

Material things are never worth any type of abuse and you pretty lady, are being horribly abused, manipulated and bullied!! Forget the house. Forget really anything material wise. Just take what you need to survive for you and your kids. Material things can always be replaced. Sometimes sanity cannot.....


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

newto this said:


> They have no idea he cheated. They do know we have problems and that Dad has an apt and that Mom is sad alot. Would you tell them the truth?


I would give him ONE chance to stop cheating and move home and let go of the apartment. When he refuses (why would he come home - you're letting him eat cake), you then sit down, call his parents, call his siblings, and OW's parents, and tell them what's going on. IF he still refuses to come home after that, you sit the kids down and tell them dad found a girlfriend and you two will probably divorce over it. Let him deal with their emotions.


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## newto this (Jan 21, 2013)

vi_bride04 said:


> Please listen to the invaluable advice you are getting on this thread. Everyone here is experienced in dealing with cheaters and they all follow the same script.
> 
> You are a strong woman and don't deserve the bullying you are getting. You can do this. You got this. And we (TAM) are here to help you!!! Please take the advice.
> 
> ...


Thank you for all the replies/support. I think I was stuck on the house because the kids have asked if we have to move and both said they don't want to. We are lucky in that we own rental properties (I am the brains behind all those investments - we have 5 right now) and one is a mike from the house so they can stay in the same school, etc. unfortunately we will have to sell the rest and the market is down...that was my hope for passing down to the kids. My parents divorced when I was my kid's age and we were poor so I think that is why the financial side scares me. I know it's just possessions and I am starting (still in shock though..definitely) to see him for who he really is. 

I am making calls so things are beginning. I am worried that he will get the kids the requested 47 percent. Even though I was the stay at home parent, how or what would I say to not allow him equal access? He has moved to a neighboring town so it would be inconvenient for the kids to get up so early in order to get to school on time. 

Thanks again for all the advice. It is so amazing how good people can be.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

meh, you know how to buy properties - you can buy more. And any divorce will end up with you getting at LEAST half of all the family's wealth. You'll be fine.

Your marriage isn't over yet. But it IS doomed if you don't stand up to him and scare the crap out of him.

And fwiw, your kids will survive a move, if they have to. Millions of kids do nowadays.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

In the event of divorce, it is best that the kids not get caught up in the fighting, therefore if he wants them 47% of the time that is great.

But I doubt he wants that. It would interfere with his love life.

So I would just let that unfold as it is going to.

You ar going to be fine.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I agree give him one chance and then stand your ground, he will have to change if the marriage survives, don't meet his needs cut yourself off from him, let the OW fill all his needs, let him be disappointed.
My husband was the same way, they are all dumb until they realize what is really at stake


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

I'd also like to add that he likely wont want the kids the 47% of the time. THe OW wont want to play step mommy so they will be inconvenient. I suspect you wont have to sweat this.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

VERY important. Get a spiral binder. Start using it as a calendar. One entry per day per page. Keep a running tab on everything that happens - every contact, every word he says, every time he doesn't show up to get the kids, every threat. Write it out like a book. Judge may or may not use it, but it will help your side, to fight the 47%, by showing that you were calm, collected, and always looked after the CHILDREN'S best interests.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

turnera said:


> VERY important. Get a spiral binder. Start using it as a calendar. One entry per day per page. Keep a running tab on everything that happens - every contact, every word he says, every time he doesn't show up to get the kids, every threat. Write it out like a book. Judge may or may not use it, but it will help your side, to fight the 47%, by showing that you were calm, collected, and always looked after the CHILDREN'S best interests.


:iagree:

Such excellent advice here!!!!!

The more documentation you can keep and prove that you are the soul caretaker of the kids and of your WH actions (every threat to you, the kids, all of that crap) the way better off you will be when it comes to the court stuff. 

Please start this today!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> *I'm a personal believer that a long term physical affair (meaning multiple encounters) is a deal breaker in a relationship. *What I mean is that that there is no coming back from it; the betrayal and deceit runs too deep to allow you to maintain any self respect by staying in the relationship. However, everyone is different and I'm told that my feelings on this don't apply to the majority of people (who knows?). Anyway, another thing I have a problem with is a WS struggling to choose between an AP and their BS. I also have strong feelings about this. The only opportunity I will give my partner to choose between me and anyone else is the day I asked her to marry me. If she feels the need to choose again between me and another person after we are married, I'll make the choice simple for her: "You can have him, get the f**k out".
> 
> What I am saying is, *don't allow your self to be a choice*. You are not a "Plan B". If you really feel that he is still hooked on her, do the 180 and force him to take a stand, if that's what you want. Just don't be a doormat. I understand the need to stay together for financial reasons but that's just a horrible way to live if in the back of your mind you believe that you are your husband's second choice and that you can't trust him.


There are several cases here on TAM that would indicate that LTAs *can* be gotten over in some cases. Mine, for example, EI and B1 and some others, too.

But I agree. It's horrible to be a plan b...


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

Lawyer up and don't worry, you can rebuild your financial life. Sounds like you're smart about money.

Don't worry about custody and money now, get LEGAL ADVICE. You'll feel so much better after you do. Your idiot cheating husband is not going to get 47% in a fault state when you're a SAHM. Focus on getting your evidence and get it to that lawyer pronto!


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