# Darnit - Setback - How often does this happen?



## Lost40 (Dec 27, 2014)

Not my setback, but my new concern.

I had a bit of a setback last night, really makes me mad - and it's the first time I've wanted to cry (but, I didn't - which is a good sign) in months... really makes me upset. I felt like I was over it, and moved on or at least really far into moving on. So, to say I'm disappointed is an understatement.

But - I get word from son late last night, on Mothers Day at that - that his Dad told him about his "new woman" the night before - and told him all about her - and how great she was. Son even went into "She might be my step mom one day, and her daughters will be my step sisters". I said Oh yeah? He said yeah, maybe.. that's what Dad said. He didn't come out and tell me this on his own. He was texting his dad, and then set his phone next to me (and our phones are identical - with same sounds, cases and everything) while I was filling out some paperwork, and when his Dad replied (I looked over at it, picked it up - not thinking - b/c I thought it was mine) and, - it was something, about this woman - and how he was going there or something. I didn't really inspect it (b/c I quickly realized it wasn't for me and I handed it over to son) - but, son noticed I saw it - and that is what he then said to me, then he was upset and said "I was told not to tell you". You could see he didn't want to tell me, and I didn't pry for anything - you could see his little face that it hurt him to know I saw that. So, I immediate told him -- It's okay!! You didn't tell me, you did good - I saw it by accident. I'm not upset, I'm not mad - my feelings aren't hurt, it's okay! 

Of course, my feelings were hurt... and when son went on to bed which is where he was headed, which was why phone got set next to me in first place - I went flying out in the garage with my phone, and called my Mom. I thought I was going to cry, but I didn't. I was able to save face and continue my strength. 

I knew about this woman, she is no surprise. It was just the whole, my son found out - and now seems to think, she might soon be step-mom that got me. I don't like that... in fact I hate it. I'm happy son seems okay.. he didn't seem bothered by it, I asked him if he was - and he said "No, that is what happens, it's part of life.. it happened to so and so, and now it's happening to me". So sad.

My question is, how often do you lose your son to a "step-mom"? That freaks me the heck out. I can't let that happen... That would destroy me like no other. Son and I are close and I've been there for him 100% unlike his sh.t father - but, now I feel sh.t father is reeling him back in - after he has almost totally ignored his son this past almost 1 year - and now all of a sudden, he tells him about this new woman and takes him someplace this weekend. This is the first time he took him somewhere "fun" - since last Fall. I'm not exaggerating. Normally he just takes him to take him, then goes off and does his thing leaving son there to watch TV or whatever.

Ugh. Driving me nuts.

I just have this horrible vision that, she is going to come swooping in with her fake whatever - which I can tell she is, and totally pull my son away from me. I just have that fear. I hate it and it kept me up last night.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

The road to getting better with everything is not a traditional straight line...it really looks more like a scribble that a two year old would do...big loopy circles and jagged angles.

Dont beat yourself up about taking a astep or two backwards.
You are a human being, not a machine.

No matter what happens, as long as you ARE his mom, you will always have a place in his heart. 

Its fairly rare to lose a child to a step mom.
As long as you arent being nuts and acting weird, the biological bond usually wins out.


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## Lost40 (Dec 27, 2014)

I should add, I've met a fellow too. I met him about 1.5 months ago, and we're getting pretty close - but, I still have somewhat of a "wait until this is final" going on in my head, so I won't do anything serious with him - but, he is so super nice and just a complete gentleman. So different from my ex. Night and day. So, I know it's a two way street here.. the same thing can happen with my side as well, and I'm not trying to be unfair and say I don't care about it happening to EX - only me. Thats not what I'm saying, but I do know - I'm not the type to allow it, If his real dad wants to be in his life - I wouldn't have it any other way, I'd allow it and be proud of son for allowing it. But - its the ex who seems to be holding him back with a 10' pole... not my son, not me.

My son of course is noticing it - but being he is going through puberty at full blast right now, he is really thriving for male/father figure attention - and so of course, his Dad is back on the top of his list and it scares me that he will forget about ole' mom here, and go be with Dad and his "new family". 

Gosh... I can't wait for counseling this week. To think, I was talking to myself on Saturday and said I was going to call him on Monday and ask to cancel for this week - b/c I really had nothing to talk about or say.. Everything was going so so well. Now, here I am 48 hours later saying Hurry up and get here!


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## Lost40 (Dec 27, 2014)

Thanks Jack.. okay, I needed to hear that. You're right logical side advice, I am his mom - and there shouldn't be anything that ever replaces that. I don't even know why I'm second guessing it - I guess it's the way the mind wants to play tricks.

I feel like I am in the twilight zone again, and I haven't felt like that in many months now. I didn't go to bed until after 3:30am last night, and had to be up at 6 to take dog in for surgery - and I got home, and just crashed on the couch. But - I've got this little bird thing sitting on my shoulder telling me all these "horror stories".. and he won't fly away.

The whole, knowing ex is with a woman isn't what bothers me. I have known this - it's why he asked to borrow my truck months ago - to move her into her new place. I knew about her then, and I knew about her back in February - it wasn't confirmed until the truck thing, but - I knew. It's the son finding out that set me off.


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## Lost40 (Dec 27, 2014)

Can anyone share stories with me - about their sons in particular (around this age ideally - 13) who was left by their husband/father and when they met a new woman - how that effected your son? Did you ever feel like you would lose your son to this OW? Did your son still love you and want to be around you, or just share anything...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your fears of losing your son to her are unfounded. This rarely happens. 

Most children are not trilled about step parents. Since he's a teen, there is even less chance of a really strong connection to happen.

You are not losing your son.

Further, the chances of the relationship between your ex and this woman working out are pretty low.. less than 70%... why? Has he changed? Has he done the work to fix this side of the street? He's going to treat her the same way he treated you. Plus, failure rates in 2nd marriages are 70% or more. Most of the failures are in marriages where the husband has children from a previous relationship. Add to this that your husband is still his messed up self... yikes.

Think of it this way, your ex paved the way for when you let him know that you are dating.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lost40 said:


> Can anyone share stories with me - about their sons in particular (around this age ideally - 13) who was left by their husband/father and when they met a new woman - how that effected your son? Did you ever feel like you would lose your son to this OW? Did your son still love you and want to be around you, or just share anything...


My ex remarried when my son was about 12. His new wife has a daughter who is 3 years younger.

From what my son told me, his step mother and his father doted on his step sister. DS was constantly compared to his step sister who was a perfect angel and very good student. 

His step mom would go ballistic about DS a lot. Like one time there was a piece of pizza in the fridge. DS, being a kid who was hungry, ate it. His step mother threw a yelling fit and even spent the night at her mother's because she was so upset that DS ate the pizza that was being saved for her daughter.

Apparently outbursts like this are normal for her and my ex. Note that he has not changed from when he was married to me. He's still an angry, controlling man. But this time he married a woman who is just like him.

When my son was in 10th grade, his father and he had a fight. it was the last time that my son spent a night at his father's. He refused to stay there again. 

My son is 26 now. He has a relationship with his father and step mother on his own terms. He visits them for an hour or two.

My son still lives with me because he's still in college and working on an MS in physics. I had promised him that he could stay here as long as he's either working a job or doing well in school. 

His father does pay for his tuition so at least his father has come through with that.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Lost, 

First, it seems you a overly defensive about being judged a snoop for "prying" on sons phone. 

I do it and I tell all of them (s14, s11, d8). Therapist approved and encouraged. 

So don't worry about that. 

Also, you were dangerously close to condoning him keeping secrets from you. He should be encouraged to share anything and everything with you. 

Don't pry for details but accept what he tells you and ask how he feels about it. You want to be a part of his whole life - not just his life with you. 

Continue to show him love and support like you are and you have nothing to fear. 

Even if he gets along really well with a potential stepmom it doesn't mean his feelings for you will change. It's not like a pie chart.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

My STBX is actually my ex-husband already and he is going back to the woman he was married to after we divorced--or wants to anyway. They are involved anyway. He decided after about 1.5 years of marriage he did not love her. They divorced. We reconciled. Now he wants her back and is abusive to me. The fact that she needs her head examined if she takes him back aside, I know exactly how you feel.

Except with me, it is her relationship with my daughter (14) that threatens me. Perhaps it is because she already has a teenage son of her own (but no daughter). I've always been very jealous of her relationship with both of my kids, but her relationship with my daughter is worse for me. She's someone who is really good with kids, naturally, anyway, and treats my kids well, but I admit, it's so damn hard . 

My son is 12.5 and right now he's closer to me than his dad and I don't really see that changing much, but I suppose it could as he hits puberty. My daughter is a daddy's girl.

You did the right thing in handling it the way you did. My kids have seen me upset and crying over my insecurities over this woman, and it naturally upsets them, and they've been forced to be in the position of reassuring me I'm still their mom and she's not replacing me. I wish that I had originally had more self control. It sucks to have those feelings about the other/new woman, but sucks even more when she KNOWS about them.

Now, my STBX as a step dad to a teenage boy......I sometimes wonder if his bio dad has these feelings about my STBX, who is taller, more muscular, a great athlete, a man's man.....without knowing what a POS he is, I could see he might feel threatened. He should not fear though, since I've never heard my STBX say anything nice about his step-son, whom he considers to be weak and lazy and completely unmotivated. 

He was not a kind step-dad, which is yet another reason the ex-wife/OW needs her head examined if she gets back with him, because she is actually a good mother. Last I heard, OW wasn't even allowed to say my STBX's name in her son's presence. 

Hang in there....your feelings are normal. My best advice is to just don't let them show to your son or your ex/OW (don't show that weakness), and just love him the way you've been doing all along.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Agree with Samurai, biological attachments will always be stronger, even if the step mom is another parental figure. The only way that will change is if you neglect, abuse, or your behavior is really off.

Keep the communication open with your son. Be the logical, rational parent. You will still be a high source of how to behave and act. AS an adolescent, he will be more emotionally charged, and you will need to be the stable element in his life, an example to learn from. You will need to be his reason as well, as he navigates through this new phase of life.

Your ex is still a highly unstable person, and the chances of this working out well in his new relationship is slim. Even if they marry, high probability of a dysfunctional relationship to say the least. He has also been jumping from one relationship to the next, and showed a pattern that he is not capable of either picking a stable person, and that he, himself, is not stable. At the moment, he and his gf are off in fantasy land due to high levels of hormones and neurotransmitters.

So, take a step back, get some emotional distance, and see the picture more carefully. Your acting on anxiety and fears that is marginal at best.

Someday, your son will be thankful for you for being the sane parent. You will be the one who helps him succeed with being his rock, someone to help keep him grounded.

He is still learning, and it is still at an incredible rate. As stated, you will need to be a source of good judgement for him, and allowing him to experiment with who he is as a person.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

No sons but two DD, they were around 9 and 13 when we split.

If you can communicate with your ex at all, tell him not to ask your son to keep his secrets. That is selfish and so unfair to your son. As time progresses it is likely that both of you will move on to other relationships and there's nothing wrong with that. Don't allow your ex to put your son in the middle of his secrets.

I mean dd he think you'd never find out. Gees.

Don't worry about your son. You will not be replaced. Consider the possibility that the step-mom is actually supportive of your relationship with your child. Some are.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Lost40 said:


> Thanks Jack.. okay, I needed to hear that. You're right logical side advice, I am his mom - and there shouldn't be anything that ever replaces that. I don't even know why I'm second guessing it - I guess it's the way the mind wants to play tricks.
> 
> I feel like I am in the twilight zone again, and I haven't felt like that in many months now. I didn't go to bed until after 3:30am last night, and had to be up at 6 to take dog in for surgery - and I got home, and just crashed on the couch. But - I've got this little bird thing sitting on my shoulder telling me all these "horror stories".. and he won't fly away.
> 
> The whole, knowing ex is with a woman isn't what bothers me. I have known this - it's why he asked to borrow my truck months ago - to move her into her new place. I knew about her then, and I knew about her back in February - it wasn't confirmed until the truck thing, but - I knew. It's the son finding out that set me off.


Twilight Zone?
No wonder.

You have three hours of sleep and you have been working yourself in to a Tizzy by doing what I called "Awful-izing" your way to the worst possible scenario.

Kids are designed to be flexible and to roll with things.

If you want to maximize your chances of him being well adjusted, do the following:

1. No secrets. Secrets are bad. Role model truth and gentleness.
2. Dont badmouth the other parent. If you must, tell funny stories or true incidents that the other parent will go "yep. Did that."
3. Avoid comparison between either parent. Give them their own sense of self and avoid ANYTHING that smacks of choosing between parents. Both my kids look a LOT like me but I still tell them when I see a feature that belongs to their mother.

Love them, hug them and try not to buy into the silly BS that crops up between exes.

I will leave you with one more thought.
Please open your mind up a wee bit. IT will help...promise.

*IF* your son found another person who loves him to bits and bunches...wouldnt it be nice to be able to think to yourself "he has a woman who loves him no matter where he is"?

Truthfully, the more love they can get the better they tend to do. It may even help him grow as a person as he sees how different perspectives can show love on one side and "not love" from another. 

I would much rather have two mom's in my kids corner than just one.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Lost40 said:


> Not my setback, but my new concern.
> 
> I had a bit of a setback last night, really makes me mad - and it's the first time I've wanted to cry (but, I didn't - which is a good sign) in months... really makes me upset. I felt like I was over it, and moved on or at least really far into moving on. So, to say I'm disappointed is an understatement.
> 
> ...


Take a deep breath.  He's your son - nobody can replace you. 
She will not be able to take him away from you.
You must show that you are able to overcome your fears, and treat your son’s father and his wife with kindness, like you would any other stranger. Your son will notice that about you and love you MORE for it. But if you say bad things about the new woman, your son won’t like that.

You’ll be fine!  Concentrate on yourself and your child(ren). Be happy, be peaceful, be content. You ARE moving on but we all have these kinds of "setbacks" that trigger the hurt and emotions again - especially upon hearing of another woman. It's temporary. You will be back on your feet, you got this!!


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## Lost40 (Dec 27, 2014)

Okay - Thank you all so much. This helps me a lot. I don't know what it is about this woman that threatens me, perhaps that she works with children for a living - and clearly she is good with them, which I should be glad for - and hope she is nice to my son, I do want that as opposed to anything different. Obviously! BUT - the threat is there now. I can see what you all are saying, and it makes sense. I see the error of my thinking now. Just need to let the heart catch up to what my mind is saying. lol.

*Ele* - I agree, he has jumped from relationship to relationship and obviously met this woman in February (I knew b/c of Facebook) - and he still holds an enormous amount of hate for me ... he is being as difficult as ever in these final weeks of our divorce hearing. I have kind of gone into this "indifference" stage with him, or at least I thought I did. I can't imagine trying to build a relationship, when you still hold onto so much hate and anger - b/c they are feelings too. Supposedly this OW he is with isn't divorced yet either - separated from what I am aware of and she has 3 girls - my ex doesn't like kids, he doesn't enjoy them, and he doesn't spend any time with them unless absolutely necessary. So, what she sees in him - I have no idea, I don't even know anymore what I saw in him. He clearly has told her some story about himself that she is believing... I'd love to know what that story is. lol

*CeeGee* - Yes, I am defensive about looking through his phone and ipad and stuff. Ex has made me that way, he said - that I should respect my sons privacy and not be looking through his texts like I used to do to his phone (which I ONLY did when I suspected the affair - and had I not looked, who knows - I may still be being cheated on). Then of course, EX told son to make sure I don't look at his phone, so - son will tell me - Dad told me I can have privacy, so don't read my texts okay? So - Yeah.. I admit, I am trying to provide him with a sense of privacy. BUT - I don't think I'm going to anymore, it's becoming suscipicious and after reading what you said to me, maybe I need to talk to my therapist about it too. I will say, I do check his phone once in awhile -- when he isn't home or in bed, so he doesn't know. I think the reason I explained it the way I did was, to explain that due to the situation - of how I saw it, and my son being there when I saw it - was how the topic came up. It was one I didn't bring up, nor did he.

I know - I felt dangerously close to him keeping secrets from me, but how do you prevent that? He knows full well he can talk to me about anything... when he does, I never get angry or upset - I try to remain calm and level headed and usually do, so as to not spook him for next time, type of thing.


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## Lost40 (Dec 27, 2014)

*Secondtimeround*, my son is closer to me too - but he is going through the puberty thing now, and well - it started before now, but now he is definitely "girl crazy" and definitely definitely showing signs of girl crazy. LOL. Which scares me too - b/c this woman has 3 girls.. and clearly my son is going to be over there charming the girls, and wanting to be there charming them. I've seen him out at recess at school - and that is what he does there too and of course the girls love it and follow him around too. So there is that too. Wow -- I'm not ready for all this! LOL... I have a lot of changes going on all at once here. 

Thanks for telling me my feelings are normal, that helps. After many months of going around and listening to everyone tell me its normal, yes its painful - but it gets easier - I didn't want to believe that back then, but now I have believed it - b/c its true - it does get easier for sure. So, this is bound to as well.

*Mr Fisty *- Thank you, you've told me this before - show him I'm the stable parent, and you're right - that is what I've been doing, and will continue to do - which I think is why I still go to counseling ... I know I rarely go there anymore to talk about my ex - now it's all about parenting as a single mom. 

You're right - I am reacting on anxiety and emotions. I need to step back and remember where I am, I am soo much further than I was back in December or even February and I need to remind myself, this is just a bump in the road -- let it go. I will. I just have such an attachment to my son now, we have grown so incredibly close since the divorce --- I hate the idea of losing even a piece of him. But like Cee Gee said, it's not a pie chart. Kind of like when you have 2 children instead of 1. You don't love either of them any less. I know... I need to step back and make myself be rationale again.


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## Lost40 (Dec 27, 2014)

*Pluto *- Do you think he is telling him to keep secrets because, the divorce isn't final yet? Are you allowed to date (legally speaking) before the divorce is final? As a side note for me, does dating affect alimony and/or child support at all, or only if you get married? 

I agree - I think asking your son to lie/hold secrets is terrible. It's no way to teach a child, and clearly my ex likes doing this kind of thing, he thinks keeping secrets is normal behavior. He tried to pretend there was no affair.

*S. Jack *- Thank you, you're right.. I will follow your steps, I think I've been doing a decent job at some of them, but now there is a new light on all of this. So, I need to refocus and continue doing what I've been doing, don't get side-tracked or too emotional about this, so I can keep up my good work. 

I do try to keep my mind open about that, because obviously yes - I would most definitely prefer ex finding someone who was good to my son. I can't imagine the opposite on even a little bit scale, and that would definitely be much more horrifying and I'd step in and put an end to it. I know I will.

*Orange *- Thank you for the motivation! I will be okay, you're right. You're also right that I need to keep my mouth shut regarding this woman, that will be hard - but, I'll do it -- I tend to not be a judgemental person in any way on a typical basis, but this is a different kind of situation that stings like a bee. So, yes - I need to be cautious of this. Thank you!


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Lost40 said:


> Can anyone share stories with me - about their sons in particular (around this age ideally - 13) who was left by their husband/father and when they met a new woman - how that effected your son? Did you ever feel like you would lose your son to this OW? Did your son still love you and want to be around you, or just share anything...


I have a 13-year-old son. His Dad is leaving me for another woman after many years of marriage.

My son has not met the OW yet. STBX has moved out, and plans to have her move in with him when the divorce is final (later this year, he's 'thinking'). She currently lives in another state, where he met her in his travels. In our situation, my son is already not a fan of this person. We told him about her as being the main reason Dad is leaving when we told him about our divorce, because it is the truth, and I didn't think it was right for STBX not to tell him and then spring her on him in a few months. At best, it would come out eventually, even if I didn't say anything, and then he'd know his Dad lied to him, too.

I'm being careful not to bad-mouth my STBX or the OW to my son, as it sounds like you're doing, as well. Even so, when he does bring her up on his own, he talks about dreading even having to meet her, let alone spend any time with her. I hope she will be nice to him, because my stepmother was not at all nice to me, and kind of made my teenage years much less happy than they could have been. Right now, I'm not worried that I will lose him to her because we are very close and, like I say, he is already not a fan (his Dad has also tried to tell him all about how great she is, which he just thought was very inappropriate given the circumstances). But I understand feeling that way when you're right in the midst of that situation. Once the OW moves in with my STBX, I can't be sure I won't start to have some of the same feelings you're having.

My father also left my mother for another woman. However, the woman who ended up being my stepmother was a different woman he met five years after that (it obviously didn't work out with his AP). My brothers were 12 and 13 when they first met her. They immediately didn't like her, and always remained close to my Mom. But again, my stepmother was not a very nice person. That said, I think that even if she had been, she never would have replaced my Mom in any of our hearts. I ended moving in with my Dad and her when I was 13, because my Mom had a bad drinking problem, went into rehab for an extended period, and encouraged me to live with them because she thought they could give me a more stable home life than she could. I saw her every weekend and holiday and a good part of every summer. And we got even closer after that. I never felt close to my stepmother, and really believe I wouldn't have even if she had tried to be nice to me.

Your son may speak of this OW being nice or pretty or this or that, and I can totally understand how that will sting if he does - while I want STBX's OW to be nice to him, I have to admit it will still make me feel a little hurt if my son praises her niceness or any other characteristics. But even so, she will never be his Mom - there is only one of those.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Keep your sons happiness at the forefront. 

Show him you only want him to be happy and he will continue to love you. 

Remember, it's a marathon not a sprint. 

You will always be attached to him whether STBX and POSOW make it or not. 

Kids are funny, especially younger ones. 

POSOMXW called me the other day. She said her D10 asked her if my XW had anything to do with mommy and daddy splitting up. She said yes and that daddy and "CT" were having an affair. Her D10 then said, "well, she makes good cookies".

You just have to laugh at their naïveté. 

Make it only about them. Forget STBX and OW. Don't give them any of your attention.


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