# Wife's New female friend



## Xrdx

Hi there I will try and keep this as short as I can... 
I have been with my gf 8 years we recently got married, befor we got married my wife made a new female friend they have grown very close, she started spending lots of time with her, calls txts ect, I would come home from work and they would be cuddling on the sofa or holding hands.... 
They joke about how everyone thinks they are gay because of how close they are, well that rang alarm bells in my head so I spoke to the wife about it, she told there is nothing to worry about they are just close friends and that girls do cuddle and stuff so I trust her and thought no more about it..... 
Well the past couple of weeks the wife has been going round her new bf house twice a week and not coming home till late, I asked her to maybe spend a Friday night with me and she got angry and said I was being to clingy, so I just stepped back and thought ok maybe I am.

Well I was abit paranoid so I did something I said I would never do and went though her phone (am sorry)
I didn't find any thing sexul just that my wife was missing her friend ect and how much she loved spending time with her and how she loved cuddles with her and stroking her hair and how she would never let her go, that she would let me go befor her for her own happiness cuz I was being to clingy and basically just declareing her love for her, saying she loves her more then she will ever admit now this hurt me alot! Because my wife is not even that close to me and never writes paragraphs about how much she Missis me or cuddles me, but she did marry me and I understand girls can be close! And yes we do have sex on a regular basis. 

I have spoken to my wife about this and she said its just cuddles and friendly and nothing eles and that it's a different kind of love , but this weekend she is stopping round the best friends house even though I told her I was uncomfortable with this (she's going any way can't stop her lol) and me being me is panicking there is more then mets the eye, am I being to clingy! Do I need to calm the fudge down as u say lol

Thank you


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## Andy1001

Your wife is having a lesbian relationship with this woman and is cheating on you. These bisexual feelings may be something that she hid from you throughout your dating but now she is married she can be more blatant. 
You are what is known in gay parlance as a beard, look it up.


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## Sparta

What she is doing is called gaslighting you.! If you do not put a stop to this it will get worse and you will be divorced anyway. Your only chance to stop this is to file for divorce and expose her affair.! affairs rely on secrecy and darkness it needs to be exposed. Bring her affair out to the light.! Tell anybody Who matters to her.! Like parents family, tell your family and friends everybody. If you do not take this advice you’re just making it worse and you’re enabling her affair also.


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## Married but Happy

She's cheating, and you're being sidelined. What you do is up to you, but I think your best option to resolve this definitively one way or another, is to file for divorce, and see how your wife responds. She'll either be shocked out of the fog and drop this relationship - or not.

Once you file, get your own new female friend!


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## Xrdx

Thank you for the advice, I have confronted my wife multiple times and even broken down crying in front of her to tell the truth, but I get the same answer they are just friends! I don't know what to do she's never given me any reason to think she is bi or more!


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## PigglyWiggly

Xrdx said:


> Thank you for the advice, I have confronted my wife multiple times and even broken down crying in front of her to tell the truth, but I get the same answer they are just friends! I don't know what to do she's never given me any reason to think she is bi or more!


She's given you plenty of reasons to suspect that she is having an affair, you just haven't accepted it yet. I am sorry for the pain this is causing you. It's time to have "the talk" about seperating.


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## personofinterest

Since cheating is a form of betrayal and deception, it shouldn't surprise you that she is able to lie and tell you that you're just friends, whether you cry or not. I will never understand people who believe their spouse is not cheating because they're lying spouse told them they were not cheating. I have a couple of very close long term female friends who are almost like sisters. We do not cuddle and hold hands. This woman is cheating on you.


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## SunCMars

There is no good answer to your problem.
Not one that will guarantee an outcome to your liking.

Answers:

a) Divorce 
b) Open relationship, allow her to have a female side piece.
c) Be mysterious, hope for the best.

On being mysterious...
Come and go, do not tell her your plans. Be very cordial and pleasant. Just tell her when you leave you are going out.

If you have golf clubs, let her see you load them up. You can do the same with fishing poles. Be very vague.
Continue with lovemaking.

Make like nothing is wrong. Come home late, now and again. Drink a beer so she can smell that on you. 

Always be upbeat, pleasant, not grumpy. Smile a lot, put on romantic music.

This will likely not work. Nothing will.
Give it a try. Show her that you can do just fine without her.
You must be convincing. No more crying or showing that side of you.
Be strong around her.


You are a paycheck. 
Her BFF is her lovechick.

She does not like clingy?
Be Teflon Don!!

The little lady wheels in her head will spin madly.


Just Sayin'




The Martian-


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## SunCMars

Oh, do not be her sperm donor.

Soon, she may be using you to get her pregnant. Once pregnant, you are gone.
And you will then have 18 years of child support.

Get snipped without telling her?

Unless, you want children.
If you divorce and remarry, the next wife may want children??

A tough call.

If she is on birth control pills monitor her usage of them. 
Secretly count her pills, make sure she keeps taking them.

What a crappy way to live!


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## FieryHairedLady

I am a female and I do not cuddle with any of my female friends. I do not stroke their hair either. If someone gets a new hair cut and I think it is cute, I may touch it. For like a second. No hand holding either.


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## zookeeper

Don't become distracted by the possible sexual part of the situation. That is not the most significant issue here. It is the behavior that you can see that you should be concerned with.

If you had some way of knowing with absolute certainty that she is not sexually involved with this woman, would that knowledge make everything better? Would you accept things as they are as long as there is no sex between them. I can't imagine you would.

Your wife is giving her attention, intimacy, affection, etc. to someone else. You are not the primary person in her life. She values her relationship with this woman more than the one she has with you. Is that ok with you? Does she agree that this is a problem that needs work? 

If she is not willing to work to change the situation, you have a fairly straightforward problem. Are you willing to live like this or not? If my wife ever expressed that she placed more importance on a friendship than our marriage, she wouldn't have to choose. Our marriage is far from perfect, but commitment and loyalty are a deal-breaker for me. 

For the record, I expect that this situation will only deteriorate further. Any demands or expectations you have of her will be labeled controlling, needy, weak, selfish...you'll be the villain and her friend will be only too happy to foment conflict between you and your wife. Whatever you do, don't have a kid with her as long as these issues exist. If she is indeed having an affair with this woman, the sex you are having with your wife may be just to provide a child for the future family the two of them are planning. With your cash subsidy, of course.


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## Andy1001

Xrdx said:


> Thank you for the advice, I have confronted my wife multiple times and even broken down crying in front of her to tell the truth, but I get the same answer they are just friends! I don't know what to do she's never given me any reason to think she is bi or more!


Now you are simply appearing weak to her and she will lose whatever little bit of respect for she had left.
Cheaters lie.All the time.
Tell her you are going to a lawyer to see about getting your marriage annulled,and failing that you will be starting divorce proceedings.
Then expose her affair to everyone in both your families and friends circles.
You may shock her out of her fog but I doubt it.She likes women and she is happy to have you as her husband purely for appearance sake.


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## Robert22205

I'm sorry you in this situation. Their emotional & physical intimacy (texts expressing more love for the OW than you) is inappropriate and disrespectful to you. You can't stop her but you can control your own behavior. Let her know (through your action not just words) that you will not be in a marriage where her behavior makes you feel unsafe, unappreciated, and disrespected.

You need to wake up and take this seriously. Your wife sounds obsessed with the OW. All her responses (misdirecting by joking about being gay, minimizing, refusing to stop or reduce contact, caressing ) follows a standard script that all cheaters follow. This is a very real threat to your marriage. You're playing catch up to a strong emotional (and maybe physical affair). You need to stop 'asking' and respond with quick and decisive action.

Her response (when you confronted her) is a 100% consistent with someone that is having an emotional affair. Why? because in the absence of the strong emotional bond with the OW she should have said: she's not more important to me than my husband ... so if it's important to you - I'll stop all contact (after all I'd rather make a new friend than weaken my marriage). The fact that she refused is an admission that she's having an emotional affair (maybe physical). It will certainly escalate unless you stop it.

Crying and begging does not work (ever)....she subconsciously sees your emotional vulnerability as a free pass to continue with the OW.
Oh and guess what? That's why she ignored you over the weekend.

Chasing after her won't work (you can't compete with the OW because much of it is based on fantasy/100% playful relationship). 

Although it's not intuitive the most effective strategy is to be more independent and confident and focus on yourself. Work out, loose weight, buy new clothes, find a new hobby (without her) - improve yourself. 

I suggest you both read: NOT JUST FRIENDS by shirley glass (get expedited shipping from amazon)
It will provide a fact based history/foundation for you to discuss this 'friend'.

read the book and discuss with her:
- what does she get from the OW that she's not getting from you?
- is being with the OW more important to her than her marriage?
- if she's in love, why? what exactly does she love about the OW?

Don't ask (don't argue) ... tell her that in view of her relationship with the OW you are:
- consulting with an attorney to see how divorce will impact you (it's informative plus it sets a tone)
- getting tested for STDs, also discuss sleeping and anxiety meds with your DR (it sets a tone)
- no more sex until she is tested for STDs (it sets a tone) 

At some point she may offer to reduce contact. Don't believe her...she'll just go underground.

Her disrespect to you (brushing off your concerns) and her inappropriate emotional & physical intimacy with the OW must have consequences.
Your wife must go no contact with the OW (no contact in any way....not even being in the same room). If she refuses, then your marriage was over anyway (and now you're finding out). You're young and deserve better anyway.


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## happyhusband0005

I try not to jump to conclusions with posts like this, but I can say there is a good chance your wife's friendship is more romantic than she lets on. You need to get to the bottom of it wither way. I would say play it cool and do your best snooping to either prove it true or false before doing anything else. 

It could just be the infatuation that comes with a new friendship. Sometimes people become slightly obsessed with new friends they really connect with and this could be the case. It could also be that your wife is bisexual and is looking to explore those desires. 

Getting the info is the first course of action here. 

I do have a few questions, 1. How old are you guys? 2. Do you ever hang out with this friend and your wife together? 3. If so are they affectionate and cuddly in your presence? 4. Has your wife ever displayed any evidence that she is sexually attracted to women, checking them out, flirting with waitresses/bartenders. 5. Would they be open to a threesome lol.


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## Bananapeel

Super weak response on your part. She's ignoring your feelings because you have an uneven power dynamic and she's got all the control. Don't expect her to change without you being willing to enact consequences. The real question to ask yourself is whether this is the type of relationship and spouse you want to be married to. 

My questions for you:
1. Do you want to be married to someone that treats you this way? 
2. Are you OK with being emotional and crying as way to get her to validate your feelings? 
3. Are you willing to take action to change your situation?


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## uhtred

Its really up to you how you feel about this. It does strongly hint that there is a romantic relationship between them and that generally constitutes cheating. 

How you react is also up to you.

Generally when people meet with friends, the spouses are invited. Maybe you could suggest that you are happy with the *3* of you spending time together but that she is directing too much attention away from you.

You are also free to divorce on the basis that she is likely having an affair with another woman


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## Ursula

Nope, don't calm the fudge down! I would say that there's something going on. Yes, women can be close to their girlfriends, but I don't know of one woman who snuggles on the couch with her friends and strokes their hair, holds their hand. That raises some concern for me, and I think you also have a right to be concerned. Perhaps your wife is bisexual?


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## Ursula

SunCMars said:


> Oh, do not be her sperm donor.
> 
> Get snipped without telling her?
> 
> If she is on birth control pills monitor her usage of them.
> Secretly count her pills, make sure she keeps taking them.


Personally, if you want children in the future, I wouldn't get snipped if I were you. I also wouldn't monitor her pill usage, as they can be flushed or put down the drain. So, counting them does no good. Stock up on Trojans instead, and use them diligently.


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## Andy1001

Ursula said:


> Nope, don't calm the fudge down! I would say that there's something going on. Yes, women can be close to their girlfriends, but I don't know of one woman who snuggles on the couch with her friends and strokes their hair, holds their hand. That raises some concern for me, and I think you also have a right to be concerned. Perhaps your wife is bisexual?


I know plenty of women who cuddle up with their girlfriends on the couch. 
Their called lesbians.


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## brooklynAnn

I have a girlfriend that I am close to, closer than my birth sister. She gets me and I get her. She is one of those people that I never get tired of, I get tired of my husband sometimes. However, as much as I like her, I have never sat and stroke her hair nor cuddle with her and certainly never held her hand. The only females that I have done this for is my daughter, my grandmother and my nieces when their your little. 

This sounds like some serious grooming is going on here. These two girls are forming serious attachment that is of the romantic nature. 

And you my poor clueless male friend is being played for a fool. Open your eyes and mouth. Put a stop to this friendship and if your wife refuses to. Then, you have your answer about who is the most important.


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## Ursula

Andy1001 said:


> I know plenty of women who cuddle up with their girlfriends on the couch.
> Their called lesbians.


My point was more of a platonic friendship between women. I also know some lesbians who cuddle with their SO, and that's kind of to be expected.


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## aine

Xrdx said:


> Hi there I will try and keep this as short as I can...
> I have been with my gf 8 years we recently got married, befor we got married my wife made a new female friend they have grown very close, she started spending lots of time with her, calls txts ect, I would come home from work and they would be cuddling on the sofa or holding hands....
> They joke about how everyone thinks they are gay because of how close they are, well that rang alarm bells in my head so I spoke to the wife about it, she told there is nothing to worry about they are just close friends and that girls do cuddle and stuff so I trust her and thought no more about it.....
> Well the past couple of weeks the wife has been going round her new bf house twice a week and not coming home till late, I asked her to maybe spend a Friday night with me and she got angry and said I was being to clingy, so I just stepped back and thought ok maybe I am.
> 
> Well I was abit paranoid so I did something I said I would never do and went though her phone (am sorry)
> I didn't find any thing sexul just that my wife was missing her friend ect and how much she loved spending time with her and how she loved cuddles with her and stroking her hair and how she would never let her go, that she would let me go befor her for her own happiness cuz I was being to clingy and basically just declareing her love for her, saying she loves her more then she will ever admit now this hurt me alot! Because my wife is not even that close to me and never writes paragraphs about how much she Missis me or cuddles me, but she did marry me and I understand girls can be close! And yes we do have sex on a regular basis.
> 
> I have spoken to my wife about this and she said its just cuddles and friendly and nothing eles and that it's a different kind of love , but this weekend she is stopping round the best friends house even though I told her I was uncomfortable with this (she's going any way can't stop her lol) and me being me is panicking there is more then mets the eye, am I being to clingy! Do I need to calm the fudge down as u say lol
> 
> Thank you


I’m sorry, we women don’t have those kind of friendships, cuddling, stroking hair, declaring love. This is all BS, your wife is lying. She is having an EA if not PA.


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## WorkingWife

Xrdx said:


> Hi there I will try and keep this as short as I can...
> I have been with my gf 8 years we recently got married, befor we got married my wife made a new female friend they have grown very close, she started spending lots of time with her, calls txts ect, I would come home from work and they would be cuddling on the sofa or holding hands....
> They joke about how everyone thinks they are gay because of how close they are, well that rang alarm bells in my head so I spoke to the wife about it, she told there is nothing to worry about they are just close friends and that girls do cuddle and stuff so I trust her and thought no more about it.....
> Well the past couple of weeks the wife has been going round her new bf house twice a week and not coming home till late, I asked her to maybe spend a Friday night with me and she got angry and said I was being to clingy, so I just stepped back and thought ok maybe I am.
> 
> Well I was abit paranoid so I did something I said I would never do and went though her phone (am sorry)
> I didn't find any thing sexul just that my wife was missing her friend ect and how much she loved spending time with her and how she loved cuddles with her and stroking her hair and how she would never let her go, that she would let me go befor her for her own happiness cuz I was being to clingy and basically just declareing her love for her, saying she loves her more then she will ever admit now this hurt me alot! Because my wife is not even that close to me and never writes paragraphs about how much she Missis me or cuddles me, but she did marry me and I understand girls can be close! And yes we do have sex on a regular basis.
> 
> I have spoken to my wife about this and she said its just cuddles and friendly and nothing eles and that it's a different kind of love , but this weekend she is stopping round the best friends house even though I told her I was uncomfortable with this (she's going any way can't stop her lol) and me being me is panicking there is more then mets the eye, am I being to clingy! Do I need to calm the fudge down as u say lol
> 
> Thank you


Yeah, I'm a woman and have close female friends and even say "i love you" at the end of an email. But if they tried to cuddle with me or stroke my hair? WTF? Um.... IDK. I mean people do that with children and pets and it's not sexual but I truly don't believe it's normal between two adult non-related women. I believe your wife is definitely getting some need met by this friend that she should be getting met by you in your marriage.

This reminded me of a story - many moons ago I was in the military and living in the barracks where there were 4 of us to a room with bunk beds. I usually slept at my boyfriend's but when I was there, two of my roomates would sleep together, spooning in the skinny bunk bed above me. They said "We like to sleep together because we're lonely and you know how nice it is to have someone to snuggle with at night." I thought - no, I don't know, I'd rather stretch out at night but what did I care where they slept? Anyhow, turned out they were gay. Duh.


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## Lostinthought61

Xrdx said:


> Thank you for the advice, I have confronted my wife multiple times and even broken down crying in front of her to tell the truth, but I get the same answer they are just friends! I don't know what to do she's never given me any reason to think she is bi or more!


STOPPPPPPPPPP acting like a *****, dear god man, grow a pari would you...do you honestly think crying in front of her helps your cause...you only look weaker in front of her....there are two ways to address this...first you can give her the walking papers that you will not be her plan B or you can start going out yourself and find a friend and wait until she notices your not around and start getting jealous and concern...if she doesn't at all you have your answer.


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## BluesPower

Xrdx said:


> Thank you for the advice, I have confronted my wife multiple times and even broken down crying in front of her to tell the truth, but I get the same answer they are just friends! I don't know what to do she's never given me any reason to think she is bi or more!


Yeah, I thought so... so are you saying that you are a weak beta boy and you are going to cry and believe all of the BS that your Freaking Wife is telling you. 

Brother, you are being a fool, so you understand that Just be cause she is in a gay relationship does not mean that she is not cheating. 

FILE FOR DIVORCE, and move on. 

She is lying and you are being stupid...


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## sa58

Everyone here sees what is going on.
Why don;t you ? You love her and want to
believe her right ? Well she is lying to you 
and you shouldn't believe her. And she probably
doesn't really love you either. Disrespecting you
and her marriage. File, move on and let her have 
her new friend. Or stay and suffer your choice,
it gets worse from here you know.


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## Andy1001

Xrdx said:


> Thank you for the advice, I have confronted my wife multiple times and even broken down crying in front of her to tell the truth, but I get the same answer they are just friends! I don't know what to do she's never given me any reason to think she is bi or more!


If you have the courage you could try this.It is a system I used over the years to get rid of friends of women I wanted to date.I called these friends clingons.
Regularly ask your wife to invite her friend over,whenever you plan a date night tell your wife to invite her friend and always be praising her to the skies.You could even make the occasional comparison between them,always in the friends favor of course.Keep telling your wife that clingon is soooo much fun and a really great person and even “jokingly” mention the possibility of a threesome.
This will either make your wife rethink her friendship,if that is what it is but more than likely she will admit to being gay or bisexual.
Either way you will know where you stand.


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## sa58

How it gets worse ?

She has all ready said your to clingy.
She will say things like, your imagining 
things, jealous, over reacting, and that you 
are spying on her. She may even convince you
of a few of these things. She will eventually 
tell you she wants to live apart for a while.
Wonder where she will move to ? Or convince
you to move out and move someone in.

She is either having an emotional affair 
or a physical affair. Either way she is 
disrespecting you and the marriage.
You deserve someone who will love 
you and respect you just as much as
you do them. Cut your losses now and
move on and find them. Trust your
gut instinct most of all, cheaters lie
and then lie some more. 

Part of the fun for cheaters is sneaking 
around, once exposed it usually ends
their affair. End their fun and then move on.

You deserve better!!


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## SunCMars

Ursula said:


> Personally, if you want children in the future, I wouldn't get snipped if I were you. I also wouldn't monitor her pill usage, as they can be flushed or put down the drain. So, counting them does no good. Stock up on Trojans instead, and use them diligently.


I thought of this, too.

Problem:

She is going to ask why?

For example:

What's with the condom?
Is there something you are trying to tell me?
Do you have an STD?
Do you think I am infected with something?
Are you seeing someone else?
You know I am on the pill, or I am using an IUD, why the condom?
Are you nuts?

If he tells her his true fears and is honest in his wording........

If he says, "Until we sort out whether or not you are cheating and whether or not I am going to divorce you, i am going to wear condoms".
"The last thing I want is a baby with you, with our marriage in such a bad place".

"I still want to have sex, you don't mind do you?"

Uh, huh....

That will go over nicely!

Just Sayin'


King Brian-


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## personofinterest

If she asks about the condom, I would be tempted to say you don't want to end up becoming Ross from friends....


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## Ursula

Oh absolutely, I agree with you @SunCMars. BUT, say the OP gets a vasectomy, and decides he wants kids in years to come. He would then have to get that reversed for a fairly hefty price tag that no everyone can afford, or he goes without offspring. That's a really big decision with potentially big consequences. If I were OP, I would just go with the condom, and if she asks about it, I would just be honest. Their marriage isn't in a good place right now, and he wants to ensure that they don't bring a child into it until they're back on level ground again.


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## sokillme

Controlling, jealous, insecure, whatever she or anyone else wants to call it. This is not the marriage you want to have, you have every right to say it. If she doesn't want to change then you have every right to change it by ending it. If she says any of those things your response should be. I didn't marry you to have you have an "Emotional Girlfriend" in the middle of our relationship. I need better then that. If you can't do that then we need to move on. But you have to be willing to move on. You can't make her do anything, but you can control you. 

It only gets this far because you don't have boundaries.


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## Evinrude58

She said she'd choose the gf over you. She's clearly given her similar status as her husband. She's batting for the other team. And no, women don't constantly have their hands all over one another if they aren't lesbians, just like guys don't have their hands all over one another if they're just friends.

What you have here is a woman that you clearly should send packing. You've been told you're just a wallet. You are. Find a woman who loves YOU.


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## FieryHairedLady

I had a best friend who I knew since we were babies. Sadly she passed on very young a few years ago. We were always at each others house and doing sleepovers growing up, always hanging out. As kids she would let me sleep in her bed and would take the floor. 

As adults who sometimes lived 90 min away at times, one of us would come up with our kids and stay a few days at the other persons house. She would take the couch at my house, and me at hers.

A hug hello and goodbye would be the most we would ever touch. Maybe a side hug for pictures.

I was bff's with this chick for 37 years! No touchy feely stuff. No hand holding.


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