# Need Advice: Wife Putting on Weight



## Me Vietare (Nov 26, 2014)

Okay...venturing out along a road lined with IEDs and into a MINE FIELD. My wife is putting on weight. I don't like it. What can I do?

She's 58, 5'2" and was 130 when we married 6 years ago. Curvy in the right places and comfortable. Now, her tummy sticks out further than her chest and she's waddling. I'm guessing she's put on 30-40 pounds.

I'm a member of a gym and I regularly ask her to join me. Not a fanatic, but I go every other day and for a 69 year old guy, am in pretty good shape 33 in waist and 44 in chest, 5'10" and 175.

Aside from appearance, it's unhealthy--her mother and one sister are diabetics. 

So, how to bring this up without getting that "daggers of death" stare?


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
First, be honest with yourself, is she unhealthy or unattractive?

If she really is at an unhealthy weight, then it is reasonable for you to suggest that she get exercise. Might there be something she would enjoy more than the gym? Long walks together can be nice and do provide a reasonable amount of exercise. 

If she is just unattractive, that is trickier. I think people should try to stay in shape in a marriage, but to be honest most don't.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It's a delicate subject, but it is an important one. Even if your concern is her appearance and your attraction to her, there are real and valid medical issues that should concern you both. Exercise will help, and doing it together is a big plus. However, the real issue is probably her diet, and exercise will not burn off sufficient calories to result in weight loss. It's possible that exercise will even increase her appetite, leading to a net weight gain! Moderate exercise and a better diet may give the best results. How about Weight Watchers?


----------



## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

I agree with Lila it is a tough issue because of her age. BUT it is not just an aesthetic issue it is a health issue and as her spouse you have a right to voice your concern. 

I would tell her you are concerned for her weight and offer to send her to a personal trainer. It is better to address it at 30-40 pounds than 75+ like many men who post about this issue are facing.

Be kind and offer support, by eating healthy with her, not keeping junk in the house, asking her to go for a walk daily, buy a couples gym membership...


----------



## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

No advice really, except to say tread very lightly! And remember she knows she's gained weight. So if you decide to discuss it with her, don't act like she doesn't know. 

Good luck.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

How is your marriage other than this issue? Sometimes weight gain is about something else, such as an excuse to avoid intimacy either through developing body issues or deflecting your attraction and desire for sex. If there is a relationship issue involved, I think you'll need to solve that before making much progress with this one.


----------



## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

My wife was overweight several years ago, and after we got back from a vacation, she was horrified at how she looked in our pictures. She then went on Jenny Craig and exercised, and lost almost 50 lbs - she looked great and got lots of compliments. 

Now she's put the weight back on, and is always complaining how she hates her appearance. Think she's going to make a move to get back on track, but easier said than done. 

To get to the OP's point, diet is a big part of losing weight. Make sure your wife stays on a plan and eats reasonably. Exercise is big as well, but diet is the main issue.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

My mother said that she lost a lot of weight after my father died. She no longer had to keep unhealthy food around (my father's favorites) or handle food when in fact she was not hungry herself.

So.... it may help if you try not to keep unhealthy food around the house (without announcing your intent) and perhaps try to steer her in the direction of eating habits that will help her to lose weight.

I accept that it doesn't work for everyone but it's worth a try.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

She knows. She's not doing anything about it.

Why?


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

hedrach said:


> Same reason we grab an ice cream cone or a few cookies even though our pants don't fit well anymore.
> 
> Lack of self control.
> 
> ...


There are many more.

Like shame, self loathing, depression, anxiety...

Hell, I know a woman who put on weight when married just so other guys would stop coming on to her.


----------



## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

hedrach said:


> Same reason we grab an ice cream cone or a few cookies even though our pants don't fit well anymore.
> 
> Lack of self control.
> 
> ...


+100000.

This is my wife to a T - she knows she should eat some carrots instead of that bag of chips or those cookies, but the carrots don't feel as good and don't fill her up. Always a way to rationalize why we're not doing what we should be doing. She knows she should be drinking water instead of soda, but soda hits the spot - doesn't seem to correlate why she always feels tired.


----------



## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

The best and simplest way to cut down on calories is to stop drinking soda. If she needs caffeine, she should drink tea or coffee, not soda. Soda is the number one cause of obesity in the US.


----------



## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

Lila said:


> @ChargingCharlie, how old is your wife?


She's 48


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Me Vietare said:


> Okay...venturing out along a road lined with IEDs and into a MINE FIELD. My wife is putting on weight. I don't like it. What can I do?
> 
> She's 58, 5'2" and was 130 when we married 6 years ago. Curvy in the right places and comfortable. Now, her tummy sticks out further than her chest and she's waddling. I'm guessing she's put on 30-40 pounds.
> 
> ...



My wife's dad is diabetic and Mrs.CuddleBug is 37 years old at 5 ft 8, maybe 220+ lbs now.

I too eat healthy and weight train and my wifee has slipped back to her old ways and has stopped altogether.

All you can do, take care of yourself more, even fitter, go out more and she will either start taking care of herself or she won't.

You can't make her go to the gym, exercise and eat healthy. She has to do this on her own because she wants to get in shape. If she doesn't care, letting herself go, comfy, there is nothing you can really do.

Telling her nicely she needs to go to a gym, lose a lot of weight and eat healthy is bad.

Saying nothing is bad too.


----------



## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

About the only thing you can do is to encourage her to excercise with you, go to the gym with you, even going for a walk or bike ride at night with her after dinner will help. Any reference to her being fat/overweight will not help. I'm fighting the same battle, my wife is overweight to.


----------



## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Lila said:


> She probably has a difficult time maintaining her weight now but it's not impossible if she watches what she eats. It's going to be impossible to maintain by the time she is OP's wife's age (58).


I disagree. My wife is considerably older than that and she has maintained her weight within 10 pounds or so for the almost 20 years that we have been together.

Does that mean it is easy? No, but it is obviously not impossible.


----------



## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> My wife's dad is diabetic and Mrs.CuddleBug is 37 years old at 5 ft 8, maybe 220+ lbs now.
> 
> I too eat healthy and weight train and my wifee has slipped back to her old ways and has stopped altogether.
> 
> ...


It's a fine line, to be sure. She has to make the effort to want to lose the weight, and to some (men included), it's easier to just maintain the status quo and just do what you're doing. If she decides that she wants to make a change, then encourage her. 

My wife decided that she wanted to lose weight, and she was always watching what she was eating, going to exercise classes, and the like. Didn't improve her sex drive at all, but she did look and feel a lot better. It's gone the other way in the past couple of years, but the point is that it can be done.


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

ChargingCharlie said:


> +100000.
> 
> This is my wife to a T - she knows she should eat some carrots instead of that bag of chips or those cookies, *but the carrots don't feel as good and don't fill her up. * Always a way to rationalize why we're not doing what we should be doing. She knows she should be drinking water instead of soda, but soda hits the spot - doesn't seem to correlate why she always feels tired.


Well, that is true. For some reason, carrots make me hungrier!!! 

I don't drink soda, though. Only water for me.

Well, and wine Water and wine . Wine is my soda.


----------



## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

technovelist said:


> I disagree. My wife is considerably older than that and she has maintained her weight within 10 pounds or so for the almost 20 years that we have been together.
> 
> Does that mean it is easy? No, but it is obviously not impossible.


I am also 58 (woman) and have maintained my weight.

OP, I think complete blood work is in order. One thing that is very common as we age is that our vitamin D levels fall. Vitamin D is a key factor in metabolism and fatigue and, has been shown to contribute to "weight creep" in older adults when too low.

Low vitamin D levels also contribute to insulin resistance, which can cause weight gain and is a condition that is a precursor to diabetes.

Her thyroid may also be an issue so insist on having that checked also, low thyroid function is common in older women.

Good luck.


----------



## Me Vietare (Nov 26, 2014)

Trip to doc last week. Full blood work up. Low vitamin D. Scheduled for bone density test and mamogram. Then doc prescribe something for low libido. (Another issue). Will write more tomorrow.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Has she mentioned her weight being a problem for her?
I was always thin, sometimes too thin. Once I had my last child at 35, my weight began to climb. I couldn't figure out what the problem was. I asked my doctor about it and she said I was doing everything right. I didn't over eat. I ate what I thought was a healthy diet. By the time I was in my late 40's, my weight was almost 150 lbs. in a size 12. I am 5 feet tall. Going from thin to 150 lbs. was extremely upsetting to me. After doing some research, I learned that my problem was the whole grains I was eating. I stopped my morning oatmeal ritual and switched to green smoothies. I cut out all wheat and gluten due to being diagnosed with gluten intolerance. I also stopped eating cow's milk products due digestive issues that were resolved when I cut that out.
I am now around 115 lbs., a size 2, and in the best shape I've been in my life. I feel so much better since I went off wheat and dairy, cut way back on grain and about doubled my vegetable and fruit consumption. My constant fatigue is gone. I have more energy than I can ever remember having.
My point is that she may not know what to do about her weight gain and also that it is not hopeless now that she is in her 50's. I was terribly frustrated with my weight gain and didn't know what to do. I was following what I thought were the guidelines for being healthy and slim.
When you speak to her, speak the truth in love. You cannot determine what her reaction will be, but you can express your concern and let her know that you are there for her, want her to be healthy, and will do whatever you can to help her.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Unfortunately, heading into perimenopause/menopause results in weight problems for many of us women. I have always been fit, go cycling, love squash, etc but put a huge amount of weight in the last few years esp around the middle. I joined a gym for resistance training and cardio, do Zumba but it is a real bummer and I can't shift it.

i do notice that cooking for the family (the two guys in my life now) does not help as I end up eating what they want (meat, pasta, etc) as I don't want to cook different meals. I know if I lived alone I would probably eat salads mostly (as I am love that type of food). It is about changing eating habits and doing exercise, but around late 40's onwards, it is very tough to get back the old figure I find. Does any other female have this problem?
My husband has also put weight on around his middle (beer belly). He has also joined a gym (near his work) but I know his eating habits are bad (work functions, conferences in hotels, etc create temptation). 
I guess it is about self discipline, I hate the spare tyre thingy!


----------



## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Lila said:


> You're right, it's not impossible but if a woman struggles with weight control in her 40s then the likelihood of her getting it under control after menopause becomes even harder. Barring serious illness or an emotionally traumatic event, it becomes almost impossible to get rid of the extra weight. Maintenance of what's there already is usually the best doctors hope for unless the person is morbidly obese but that's a whole other issue.
> 
> Has your wife ever been overweight or had to struggle with weight loss? If so, how did she overcome it?


She has never been overweight, but she has told me that she has been hungry most of the time for her whole life.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

technovelist said:


> She has never been overweight, but she has told me that she has been hungry most of the time for her whole life.


It could be that she is eating too many carbohydrates, especially grains and not enough healthy fats. Not all fats are healthy. Transfats are terrible as is canola oil and other vegetables oils. Relying too much on grains, even whole grains can make you hungry.
Personally I eat plenty of fat and always make sure to get fat with my vegetables to properly absorb the nutrients. I rarely snack, because I eat 3 large meals per day, including a huge smoothie for breakfast making sure there is enough fat in it.
Does you wife try to eat low fat? That could be the problem. Maybe she needs to eat low grain and add in healthy fats. That would mean no baked goods and no low fat snacks.


----------



## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

CynthiaDe said:


> It could be that she is eating too many carbohydrates, especially grains and not enough healthy fats. Not all fats are healthy. Transfats are terrible as is canola oil and other vegetables oils. Relying too much on grains, even whole grains can make you hungry.
> Personally I eat plenty of fat and always make sure to get fat with my vegetables to properly absorb the nutrients. I rarely snack, because I eat 3 large meals per day, including a huge smoothie for breakfast making sure there is enough fat in it.
> Does you wife try to eat low fat? That could be the problem. Maybe she needs to eat low grain and add in healthy fats. That would mean no baked goods and no low fat snacks.


No, we know about the problems with transfats and most vegetable oils, and with low fat foods. We also eat mostly a plant-based diet and stick to organic produce as much as possible. We probably still have too much grain in our diet although I try to stick as much as possible to sprouted breads, as I believe they are less problematic.

However, this great emphasis on healthy eating is all relatively recent (although we have not eaten terribly by "normal" standards in the past) so it may be a left-over issue from previous incorrect diet. I don't have too much trouble maintaining my weight and am not hungry all the time, but then I may just have a lower "appestat" setting.


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

OP, changing eating habits can be incredibly difficult if she's eaten one way (poorly?) her entire life -- it all has to do with the wiring of the brain -- and diet is, in most if not all cases, the secret to weight loss.

I would suggest that you make it easy for her to make those changes, as easy as you can. Pitch in by making dinner a couple nights a week (if you don't already) and make sure that it's healthy AND delicious, and make sure her portion sizes are appropriate. Don't bring any junk food or soda into the house. If you have cheat meals, do it away from home, when you are not together, so that she's not tempted to do the same thing and overindulge. (For some reason, a cheat meal won't set back a guy very much. If a woman ate that same meal, it would nullify all the hard work she did that week.) Invite her to join you for evening walks, or do date nights that just happen to include a lot of walking, to encourage physical activity without being blatant about it. (Just make sure it's something or somewhere that she'll like, or she'll totally know the gig is up.) The point isn't to manipulate her and get her to exercise without her knowing; the point is that as a person increases physical activity, they naturally encouraged to drink more water and eat healthier.

Has she expressed an interest in weight loss? I would recommend the following book: Body-for-LIFE for Women: A Woman's Plan for Physical and Mental Transformation. I like this book because it discusses how the different hormonal changes a woman experiences throughout her life can have an impact on physical fitness and the shape of her body. Also, the eating plan presented is pretty simple and easy to follow.

But you can't MAKE her lose the weight. And you have to be very careful how you go about this... she may be self-conscious about the weight gain. (It actually might have something to do with the low libido.) So, just be as supportive as you can be. And maybe ask her how she would want you to help her? Because what YOU think is helpful and supportive might not be helpful at all, and might end up discouraging her more.


----------



## PennyCharity (Jun 1, 2015)

Me Vietare said:


> My wife is putting on weight. I don't like it. What can I do?
> 
> She's 58, 5'2" and was 130
> Now, her tummy sticks out further than her chest and she's waddling. I'm guessing she's put on 30-40 pounds.
> ...


First, some of my advice is going to be second and third hand. The man who fixed my back helped two of my friends lose weight. One like your wife was morbidly obese (if she is 5'2" and is 160-170 lbs, she is obese. Her weight should be about 105 lbs.)

First, exercise is difficult. Often overweight people have poor coordination. This is something both my friends felt. The programs they did called MyBodyzBetter.com are designed to coordinate the brain's motor cortex and get rid of the emotional traumas that are often at the root of poor posture, bad backs and poor coordination.

Second, dietary intake. Carrot over cookies and "satisfaction" is likely to be caused by wheat. About 80% of the world's wheat is a type developed by UC-Davis to have a higher level of protein. Just recently it was discovered the protein molecule locks itself into the opiate receptor of the brain. Researchers found that people eating things made from this wheat ate 500 additional calories per day and 93% of these from wheat products. The bread, cake and cookies are literally addictive. As you get older and metabolism slows, you weight goes up.

My friends had about a two week "withdrawal" and used chocolate and whipped cream (both made with less sugar, but high fat content). I know US doctors seem to think Fat is bad for you, but studies in Europe show that Fat makes you Thin. It is sugar and starch that make you fat.

Why is simple: Starch and sugar drive up Blood Sugar and your body releases insulin. Insulin is actually a Fat Storage Hormone. 100,000 years ago food was scarce and we found extra food we ate it and stored the extra as fat. Now food is abundant.

Fat takes more time to break down and be converted into glucose, so you feel satisfied longer. Proteins take 30% more energy to break down, so protein causes higher weight loss. So the high fat-high protein diet with the balance of carbohydrates coming from fresh vegetables and a small amount of fruit (fruit is high in sugar, so think of a small amount of fruit as dessert) will cause the greatest weight loss.

The founder of MyBodyzBetter.com also recommended my friends eat 6 days and take one (36 hours) day off eating, i.e. fasting for a full day. This caused their stomachs to shrink to normal levels. It took one friend nearly 3 weeks to be able to go the full 36 hours. I am 5'4" and weigh 110 lbs, btw and I now follow this eating pattern. I have never been overweight, This new diet however has increased my energy levels.

Third: Hormone levels. Estrogen replacement seems to have many problems, but there is something called Pregnenlone which is the precursor to both estrogen and testosterone and your body converts it in a perfect balance. Men and women both need this.

I am in my late 40s but my friends are 57 and 63. All of us have found we feel about 20 to 30 years younger. Our blood serum hormone levels are like a 30 year old woman's.

We all take high levels of Vitamin C and one friend (with her husband) who had blocked arteries take Vitamin C with L-Lysine and L-Proline (they show no blockage now). We also take Alpha Lipoic Acid and Acetyl L-Carnitine with fat (These are the transporter molecules for fatty acid to your mitochondria which are the energy centers in your body). With the right kind of exercise, your cells will start to actually make more mitochondria. Finally, we all take CoQ10 which has something to do with oxygen use in both the cells and the brain. All of us feel more alert and smarter.

Finally, Exercise: Change your diet. No cookies in the shopping cart, you don't eat them at home. Make real whipped cream and use less sugar. The fat makes it sweet. Dark Chocolate and again find the brands made with less sugar. I actually make a combination of whipped cream with dark cocoa powder (full fat) and egg to make a dessert.

While you are starting on MyBodyzBetter to make exercising easier, go for a walk after each meal. I assume from your ages, you are retired. So take your wife's hand and go for a walk. Maybe it is only around the block for a week, then it is two blocks and finally it is 20-30 minutes 3 times a day.

If she gets hungry eat almonds (high protein high fat) with some water will fill you up. Try to get used to eating slowly, listening to music and talking while you have dinner. (These are all things my Obese friend did.) The Japanese eat until they are 80% full.

We also began dancing. In fact we now often eat together and have an evening of dancing at our homes.

So expensive nutrients but very reliable Life Extension Foundation (lef.org)
excellent diet advice from a Swedish doctor who thinks we should only eat Real Food (dietdoctor.com)
The most amazing exercises (no sweat no strain, cures bad backs and makes you look and feel younger and thinner) MyBodyzBetter.com

I do not have any commercial relationship, well, OK I BUY from all of them, but they do not give me money. I married a very successful businessman who inherited more! Oh my goodness.

I watched my friends lose weight.

One last thing: Tiger Run. Once you get your wife through some of the movements in MyBodyzBetter and she has been walking for a couple of weeks, have her start the Tiger Run.

You run like a Tiger is chasing you. If you can run more than 3 minutes, you are not running fast enough.

What happens: You burn 100% of available blood sugar and your body converts fat. This was discovered by accident at UCLA when testing different cardio programs. You do 3 cycles of these runs, with walking and waving-stretching your arms for 1-2 minutes between runs. Every other day and takes less than 10 minutes.

Recap: Wheat is same as taking opium. Satisfying, but slows body down, while making you eat more, as well.
High fat-high protein-carbs from fresh veggies.
MyBodyzBetter.com
go for a walk after every meal.
Tiger Run
Vit C, Pregnenlone, Alpha Lipoic Acid, Acetyl L-Carnitine, L-Proline, L-Lysine
eat 6 days take one day off.

My oldest friend is 5'2" weighed 183 and followed this plan in one month weighed 153, second month 121, 3 month 103. She says she feels like she is about 35. Her face looks like she is in her mid 40s.

Both she and her husband have had their sexual desire and energy return as well.


----------



## Me Vietare (Nov 26, 2014)

Thank you all for the caring and thoughtful advice. Based on it, in part, here's what I'm thinking of doing. Please redirect if you think I'm headed in the wrong direction.But, first a little conversation about our communication styles. It might help inform new advice. 

I've had a professional life that's demanded a consultative management approach. Even as an Army officer, I learned the value of developing a shared objective and giving folks the freedom to excel by finding their own best way to the objective they'd helped define. If there are any among you that believe the military is a bunch of mind-numb robots, think again. It ain't, at least not among the more esoteric troops. Then with an academic career and now as a consultant, the ability to ask questions, and help others see the metes and bounds of a problem and commit to a process...well, it's what I do. And, I don't regard it as "nice guyism" or beta behavior. 

My wife on the other hand is scary smart and is a highly regarded professional in a complex technical field. She's used to being the definitive voice and last word. She travels regularly and is away at remote sites for extended periods. What works in her field, doesn't so much in the uncertainty of day-to-day life. In real life, the phrase; "Often in error, but never in doubt," applies as well as "Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead." 

So we're apples and oranges in style. 

Eating the right stuff is an issue, as is the quantity. Hard to cook for two people. And, she loves to cook involved meals with complicated recipes. The result, too much food, too rich. But, for her cooking is an act of love. I struggle to limit the amount I eat--not easily done as turning away "seconds" is an insult. 

My thought is that I'll launch her into some research on healthful foods. We were in Italy for a couple months last year and fell in love with Northern Italian cuisine. Maybe focus on that. Eating out is not an issue as we usually split an appetizer and entree. I'll set up things so one of the objectives is to eat "fresh," and that will mean no left overs and that will mean finding or adjusting recipes for size. And, I'll explain that it's for me and for us. A related issue is wine consumption. I quit all alcohol about 18 months ago but she will kill a bottle over an evening...so about 600 calories there. That's something she won't want to give up, or even moderate. 

Getting her to exercise is another issue too. We used to go to the gym together, but perversely as she's put on weight, she's increasingly reticent to go to the gym...I think embarrassment? We recently moved from the city to a rural area outside Nashville, so taking walks isn't as simple as stepping out the front door. There are physical chores to do, etc., but they've been guy jobs. She does do physical things around the house...likes to paint and such so we've had a bunch of decorating projects that she takes the lead on. Lots of it has been pretty physical. We're due to get some horses in about a year, so maybe the challenge of handling them and riding will help her realize the excess weight has to go. 

Think this will work?


----------



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Maybe I am not the norm but if my partner were losing attraction to me due to weight gain I would rather a straight out talk about it, using kind words of course.


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Me Vietare said:


> My thought is that I'll launch her into some research on healthful foods. We were in Italy for a couple months last year and fell in love with Northern Italian cuisine. Maybe focus on that. Eating out is not an issue as we usually split an appetizer and entree. I'll set up things so one of the objectives is to eat "fresh," and that will mean no left overs and that will mean finding or adjusting recipes for size. And, I'll explain that it's for me and for us. A related issue is wine consumption. I quit all alcohol about 18 months ago but she will kill a bottle over an evening...so about 600 calories there. That's something she won't want to give up, or even moderate.


I like the idea about the food--real Italian food is focused on simplicity and whole, fresh ingredients. Very healthy, fresh veggies, good fats/oils. Good plan.

(I was reading the paragraph before this, and I was thinking, they should try real Italian food!!! And then I read your next paragraph.)

The alcohol will be a problem... that's a lot of empty calories.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Me Vietare said:


> Think this will work?


As long as your wife doesn't feel put down or that you don't find her attractive. Something else that may help is learning about the microbiome and eating to have a healthy microbiome. This is something that is becoming more well understood. I am writing a series of articles on it, so I've been researching this subject. It is fascinating. That might be one angle to approach her with - talk to her about how you'd like to work on it for yourself and her.
As far as the gym goes, people feel judged at the gym. A lot of people will not go there if they feel overweight. Personally I workout at home, because it is a lot more convenient for me. I don't have time to go to the gym. My exercise routine at home works for me. I also don't like the gym. I feel uncomfortable working out with other people around. It just feels weird to me. I will do it, like when I'm out of town and use the hotel gym, but I prefer to be at home. Do your think your wife would enjoy an at home workout? There are many excellent programs or she could design her own.



Holland said:


> Maybe I am not the norm but if my partner were losing attraction to me due to weight gain I would rather a straight out talk about it, using kind words of course.


Most people do not want to know that their spouse is losing attraction to them based on weight. For some people, this is highly upsetting and could result in damage to the relationship. Some people, hearing such a thing, will lose their interest in sex with their spouse due to feeling rejected and unattractive. This will probably not result in them losing weight.

This is a very delicate subject and difficult to address.


----------



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

That is why I said "maybe I am not the norm". I'm not one for secret meanings behind actions, just tell me what is going on, straight up so I can do something about it.


----------



## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Re: exercise. Can you get her a treadmill or eliptical for home use?


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Holland said:


> That is why I said "maybe I am not the norm". I'm not one for secret meanings behind actions, just tell me what is going on, straight up so I can do something about it.


I'd rather have it straight up too, but a lot of people become extremely upset over being told they are overweight and being asked to do something about it.
Personally, when I was overweight, my husband didn't say anything. For one thing, he is much more overweight than I ever was and I was trying to figure out what to do and the things I was trying were not working. Once I understood the problem, I dropped the weight. Unfortunately my husband did not. He knows what to do, but does not seem to do anything about it.
A lot of overweight people are not wiling to make the changes necessary to lose the weight. It requires a complete turn around in eating habits, which is hard for a lot of people to cope with, because people do not like change.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

A full length mirror on the bedroom door. If that doesn't scare the pounds off, I don't know what will. I'm serious. She'll have to look at herself every day and unless she thinks it's elegant to waddle, she'll be thinking "OMG!".


----------



## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

If she is drinking one bottle of wine a night that is 4200 extra calories every week! 3500 calories=one pound. All she has to do is drop the wine and she should lose a pound per week. Not to mention booze is processed by the body as sugar, so that alone is screwing up her metabolism. If she doesn't want to give it up completely she could stand to cut it in half, then a quarter...


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

kristin2349 said:


> If she is drinking one bottle of wine a night that is 4200 extra calories every week! 3500 calories=one pound. All she has to do is drop the wine and she should lose a pound per week. Not to mention booze is processed by the body as sugar, so that alone is screwing up her metabolism. If she doesn't want to give it up completely she could stand to cut it in half, then a quarter...


She won't necessarily LOSE, depending on her overall caloric intake. But if she cuts the alcohol, she may stop GAINING weight.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

If she cuts the alcohol, she may save her liver and her life. A bottle a night is ridiculous.


----------



## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

FeministInPink said:


> She won't necessarily LOSE, depending on her overall caloric intake. But if she cuts the alcohol, she may stop GAINING weight.



Yeah I get that it isn't a guarantee of weight loss but it is going to go a long way. Diet is 80% and exercise 20% of the picture. It is very easy to drink too many calories. When I quit drinking coffee/lattes I lost 7 pounds in a month and I was pretty thin to start with.


----------



## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

At 50, I find that I have to pretty much exercise every day. It really helps with my metabolism. I don't even have to anything crazy hard either, (I hate running). Just move my body and get my heart rate going at a constant rate. I walk 3 to 3 1/2 miles around my (very hilling) neighborhood or do circuit training program with my daughter. My daughter and I also do the "Just Dance" video game a couple of times a week for fun. My husband just bought me a bike so we are going to start bike riding together. 

I also avoid drinking my calories. Just coffee in the morning and the rest of the day I drink water. I work at preparing healthy meals. The one thing I really have to work on though is I eat too many carbs. I would like to transition to a more Paleo diet. 

I think cutting out alcohol is the most important thing here. I have a few girlfriends, two are obese and one is on the brink. They drink everyday after work. Beer, wine or mixed drinks. Not just one, 2-3 drinks, probably more on the weekends. If they just cut that stuff out and exercised, I bet a bunch of weight would just fall off.


----------



## Me Vietare (Nov 26, 2014)

Back...traveling on family business for a while. Thanks for the observations and suggestions. 

Wine: Yes, I'm concerned. We've talked. She promises to limit consumption to two glasses. Glasses are now the size of goldfish bowls. Well, not quite, but really big and they'll hold about 8 ounces of wine. I don't like it, but in the whole scheme of things it has to be okay as long as she isn't sneaking or cheating.

Working out: We recently moved and prior to the move both had gym memberships. Oddly, even when we went together, we worked out separately. If I tried to hang around while she worked out, it just got awkward--almost like I was just tagging along--and we did have different programs. Now that we've moved, she doesn't have any interest in going to the gym...a very low key, nice "no judgement" place (Yes, the entire chain has misspelled "judgment" on everything.)

That said, we're pretty independent having lived long and survived a couple marriages before getting together and getting hitched. She's very independent actually. I have come home to find that she's painted entire rooms in colors we haven't discussed, let along agreed upon. 

Healthful food: Probably not going to happen, at least at the level some of the very informed and thoughtful posters have mentioned. BUT, I'm collecting HEALTHIER recipes and will ask that we do these instead of the others. They're suitably complicated and troublesome, so they'll be a challenge to cook. Cooking is one of her acts of love. So redirecting energy and menu to lower calorie stuff, and will be doing portion control from the outset. It's tough cooking for two. 

Lastly, have gotten and mounted two full length mirrors for the master bathroom and master bedroom. You can't avoid them so perhaps actually seeing what's happening will prompt some change. 

All comments and advice gratefully received.


----------



## Me Vietare (Nov 26, 2014)

CynthiaDe said:


> As long as your wife doesn't feel put down or that you don't find her attractive.
> Most people do not want to know that their spouse is losing attraction to them based on weight. For some people, this is highly upsetting and could result in damage to the relationship. Some people, hearing such a thing, will lose their interest in sex with their spouse due to feeling rejected and unattractive. This will probably not result in them losing weight.
> 
> This is a very delicate subject and difficult to address.


Well, the fact is I do find it unattractive although I haven't said that to her. Don't mean to sound puritanical, but I'm 10 years older and I'm in good shape. I keep myself fit. I don't drink to excess (or at all now) and I do this for her as much as for myself. Seems like she doesn't give a fig about me. Both the excessive weight, and her attitude are boner killers and you match that with her low sex drive, trying to have an intimate relationship is extremely frustrating. 

I know someone will suggest counseling. I encouraged her to seek IC before we moved with the result that she disparaged the counselor and said after three sessions that it was a waste of time. 

Sh!t, I'm getting myself worked into a lather about this now. Well, she'll be home in five days so I'll have time to work on it.


----------



## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

I'd advise staying away from fasting and other restrictive diets. Not only are they uncomfortable, they don't yield long term results. 

A few suggestions:

1) Stock the fridge with fresh fruits, veggies, lean proteins, and healthy fats. 
2) Throw out all processed and sugary food. Dump the liquor too or put in the garage. Out of sight, out of mind. 
3) Pick out some healthy recipes and see if she'd like to cook them together. Skinnytaste has some great ones! 
4) Ask if she'd like to go on a walk after dinner. Hold her hand and talk about your day. 
5) Tell her you've noticed she's been drinking more and being less physically active. Ask how she's feeling and if everything's ok. Listen. Really listen. 

Sorry you are going through this.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I'm in the 'give it to me direct' camp.

I think the drinking is the first line of attack. If she is drinking as much as you say, then she needs to confront it. I suspect it's the elephant in the room for both of you & she won't at all be surprised if you are direct in your expectation that she seriously address the issue. Fudging the glass size won't fool her liver or kidneys & will not make a difference in her calorie intake.

I also think that she may fear that her weight affects her attractiveness to you, but you don't say anything or act overtly different, so she can tell herself that her fear isn't valid. Telling her that her physical condition is a problem for you would clarify this. At the very least, she would know clearly where you stand.


----------



## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

I realize this is a serious discussion - but a story to lighten the mood....

A friend gained a significant amount of weight. She asked her husband if it bothered him. He said, "Hell no, I always wanted to have sex with a BBW."

She signed up for the gym the next day.


----------



## raina354 (Jul 5, 2015)

CuddleBug said:


> My wife's dad is diabetic and Mrs.CuddleBug is 37 years old at 5 ft 8, maybe 220+ lbs now.
> 
> I too eat healthy and weight train and my wifee has slipped back to her old ways and has stopped altogether.
> 
> ...


----------



## Me Vietare (Nov 26, 2014)

Got a couple German collector cars, so she'd probably hear "Sex with a BMW"


----------



## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

all you really need to do is ask her whats wrong, encourage her to talk and listen to what she says. the weight gain is a symptom. help her to find out what the cause is. thats how you show her you care about her. she knows what she has lost. help her to realize how good she will feel when she is more like herself. talk about what you miss. her confidence? the feel of her body? how she had more energy and seemed to care about her appearance. how she used to do things with you she either is uninterested in doing or unable to do. ask her what changed, because something did. help her by talking about the stages you observed her go through, with the weight gain being only one of the symptoms you have noticed. when you are engaging a person in a way that is genuinely focused on their well-being instead of the effect the change has had on you, the sincerity comes through that allows a person to be open and honest without defense.

if you came to me about how unattractive ive gotten, i would get rid of you and lose the weight for my next man. please take no offense. that was the honest feeling i got from reading your words. you seem very focused on how all this effects you. i would encourage you to turn that around and find out what is going on with your wife. Everything else will fall into place. she wants to be happy i guarantee it.


----------



## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

CynthiaDe said:


> I'd rather have it straight up too, but a lot of people become extremely upset over being told they are overweight and being asked to do something about it.
> Personally, when I was overweight, my husband didn't say anything. For one thing, he is much more overweight than I ever was and I was trying to figure out what to do and the things I was trying were not working. Once I understood the problem, I dropped the weight. Unfortunately my husband did not. He knows what to do, but does not seem to do anything about it.
> A lot of overweight people are not wiling to make the changes necessary to lose the weight. It requires a complete turn around in eating habits, which is hard for a lot of people to cope with, because people do not like change.



Yes!! Tell your wife but be there for her.


----------

