# When the penny finally drops



## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

DDay - four year anniversary has just passed and I'm still shaking my head that it has been this long; that so much time has gone by.

Of course trying to reconcile with my ex WS has been a complete waste of time. 

Even after numerous TAMers pointed it out I still had not twigged to the fact that I was beating my head up against a wall. I did not know how weak I was and with pre-teen children, a mortgage and intermittent work I was fully tethered to it.

There were a number of attempts to get past this. I attended counseling and even al-anon in more recent times, I read, I stayed glued to TAM, I tried blocking it out, I even prayed in bed at night. Nothing changed, my ex WS would not budge - she was not involved.

I understood her own traumas and how they contributed to her silence but I could no longer hold onto that. Everywhere I looked there seemed to be an excuse- something that I created on her behalf to explain her absence from anything remotely resembling reconciliation.

But finally the penny did drop. I managed to get her along to joint counseling. I listened to her same justifications, to her descriptions, her POV and as I sat there waiting for my turn I realised the truth. It was when she described her perfect world as one where she had a roof over her head, her job and her children and her animals. I was not mentioned. I looked at the counselor and threw my hands up. "game set and match" I said.

Despite this he gave us some behavior to use with each other - soothing words, appreciation, a goodnight kiss. It lasted a few days.

After a few weeks I tried to engage her about more counseling and I also raised the subject of intimacy. As usual she buried her heels and an argument ensued. At one point she looked me in the eye and said "I will never have sex with you ever again".

That was it finally - I wasn't angry. I had initiated everything and now no more. I finally knew it was really over; that I did not have to live that way anymore.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Horizon said:


> DDay - four year anniversary has just passed and I'm still shaking my head that it has been this long; that so much time has gone by.
> 
> Of course trying to reconcile with my ex WS has been a complete waste of time.
> 
> ...


Time to file!

You did your best. Now can can move on holding your head high!


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Now you know where you stand with her. Now you know how it is and how it will be. 

Your question now is, is this where you want to be when Jesus comes back?

If the answer is no, then the answer is not more MC. it is not listening to her whines and complaints and her criticisms of you. it's not doing the "Pick me! Dance" harder and it is not trying to appease her more. 

It's packing your bags and creating the life you want for you without regards to her. 

She's no longer your problem. Not your circus, not your monkey.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

You have received it...full clarity. Now you take the control back of your life.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

WOW! Good riddance!


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

A person's past behavior is a very good indicator of their future behavior. Be guided by this truth despite the rare exceptions, and you will make good choices about people. Also note that Love is an emotion with chemical origins. It cannot be willed into and out of existence. Same with sexual attraction. Once gone, it is gone and no amount of counselling is going to make a person love someone that they are not in love with. Read all the posts here and you will see people grasping at straws to not face facts. Even you they get back together, how do you trust someone who proved that they cannot be trusted. How do you believe someone who proved they are a liar. Your life will suck because you will be suspicious all the time and it takes a very long time to regain trust and most people will not put up with the fights, distrust, being accused of things, etc., that goes into trying to make it work. Even if trust is regained, it will not be the same as it was. Although praying is cheaper than MC, it does not work. Remember that God does not interfere in worldly affairs. Never understood that conflict about why he does not end suffering but if we pray to him to let us win a football game, he will do so. When it is over, it is over is my point. No deity or man, can put Humpty Dumpty back together again. Sorry but it is best you move on and live the rest of your life happy.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Spicy said:


> You have received it...*full clarity*.


QFT.

Full Clarity... Seems unbelievable, but it can take years to grasp after DD.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Horizon said:


> That was it finally - I wasn't angry. I had initiated everything and now no more. I finally knew it was really over; that I did not have to live that way anymore.





Just Kidding by Decorum said:


> That's when I decided F-it it's time for a new thread on TAM!!!


Ha Ha Ha, Hi Horizon it's been a while. I was away because I was focusing on health issues.

This has been a long hall for you Horizon.

I notice you still have not committed to a course of action here, or offered a plan.

You made a choice to live with it, and that is your call, I can understand why you might do that, but is it any different now?


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

If I had my way related to reconciliation , I believe I'd have a few, and agreed to, principles every member would base their advice upon. First, if the wayward is not actively seeking reconciliation, you, the betrayed, are not only trying to make a silk purse from a sows ear by dealing with a disloyal spouse, but you'll be wasting anywhere from 5 minutes to several years of your remaining life, fooling yourself into believing that your attempts to save the marriage is going to turn out peachy. 
It amazes me how some spouses, usually male, as seen similar situations involving other males go down in flames, and they think, "gee, I've go more going than these guys. I can make this work." In reality, these other guys are just as smart and determined, and most like much smarter and determined, than you are.
Let it be a lesson to others that our man Horizons has pissed away four years of his life trying to make his WW appreciate him and a marriage she didn't give a rats azz about. It will happen to you to if you try to "fix" a marriage when she/he is, as they say, "are just not that into you".
So rule one should be the betrayed spouse should never be the one to seek reconciliation.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Buh bye. Let her play with her animals. But I bet she's taken you for granted all along--just figured you'd always be a constant in her life. So don't be surprised when she discovers that she's far more attached to you than she knew. Suddenly life becomes very different without you in it and she'll need to find a way to control your behavior and reinsert herself into your life.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

IIRC, you're not married (maybe common-law where you are)?

If so, would she have to pay you alimony since you've been a SAHD?


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

You gave it your best, and she didn't. Her being the cheater, and saying that to you baffles me. She sounds self centered, and like she always has been.

It sounds like she wants a divorce, but wants you to do it, so she is being mean and giving you reasons to divorce her. Do yourself a favor, and give her what she wants.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You are nothing if not dogged, H.

So, are you actually going to leave her now? (I'm trying to remember if you are married.)

Has she gotten any help for her alcoholism?

Needless to say, I hope you take advantage of your newfound clarity and finally let her go.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

We are still under the same roof but I have not been in the same bed with her for many months. We don't go out together, we rarely are anywhere together except from time to time where the children and schooling or sport is concerned. Socially I do my own thing - i get out with my bros occasionally, catch-up with friends and get on it with them, stay over some times etc.

I wanted people to know that I finally got the message. Even though it was right in front of me all this time I had not taken the blinkers off. It's just the way it goes. It was difficult to accept but I couldn't ignore the bleeding obvious any longer.

I was made redundant right before last Xmas (redundant from my job I mean!) which was a huge setback with all the debt I have but I dug deep and drove charters whenever I could and in late Feb snagged a great full time job. So, I am definitely not a SAHD, haven't really been for the last 2 years.

However it is just too expensive to rent. So while I'm paying down debt I'm working on finding a way to have her cashed up Mum takeover my share of the property. She is having trouble finding a place after selling her own home. The Sydney housing market is mad.

I agree - my ex WS wanted me to go. I told her as much. She shut down and forced my hand. It was deliberate IMO, though as expected and like everything else, this was also denied.


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