# I love him heart and soul but I'm repulsed by his physical appearance



## dilemna (May 23, 2015)

My husband (Mike) has gained a lot of weight. I am struggling because I find it really unattractive. On top of this, he doesn’t take care of himself physically (his teeth, his hair, his clothing choices…..) and I find it really gross. He also struggles to hold onto a job.

Let me give you some history. When I met Mike 11 years ago, he was very overweight (like 130kgs on a 5”11 frame). I was mentally unhealthy at the time, but we began a very intense relationship – he was my first real boyfriend. We fell so in love with each other and together became healthy. In the process of me supporting him become physically healthy, I became interested in healthy eating and exercise. I’m not perfect, but I am very into my fitness.

Mike and I got married five years later. We have a son, who he is an amazing father to, and we are about to have another child. I love Mike so much, especially as a father and as a support person to me. He is the kindest, most loving man I could hope for,

BUT – when we got married, Mike started to gain back weight. There were lots of reasons for this, like him working in a more stationary job, then his father passing away, etc. By the time he had got back to about 110 kgs, I was really concerned. I spoke with him as gently as I could about it. He got re-motivated and started trying to lose weight again. 

After losing maybe 15kgs, Mike lost motivation and started to gain back the weight. I spoke with him again. It happened again. And again. And again and again and again. Six years later, he is gaining again. 

I am so grossed out by the weight, combined with the teeth, the hair and the clothing. Physical appearance isn’t everything to me, but I actually find this a big turn off. I’ve tried every approach I can think of, some right, some obviously wrong. I cook healthy food, offer to pack him lunches for work, rolemodel healthy eating and fitness, encourage him to see the dentist, buy him clothes – obviously all of this is patronising to him. I’ve tried to tell him lovingly that I need him to do this. I’ve asked him to see a councellor with me. I’ve asked him to see a doctor, nutritionist, trainer. 

Worstly – I’ve found pills around the house that show that he is desperate. He has taken thermogenics several times, and I’ve even found Thyroxin – I don’t know how he got it!

I’m about to have another baby and I want so badly to raise my children with a healthy family. I have an abundance of love for Mike, and I don’t want to break up our marriage for superficial reasons. However, I do feel that I deserve to be with someone who doesn’t repulse me, physically. I know those words are strong, but that is the point that I am at. 

I don’t want to leave him. I want him to change. Am I being realistic? What should I do?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Gotta let him know how serious it is. That he is letting himself become more and more unhealthy and he is destroying your attraction and confidence in him.

He needs counseling and probably some follow up therapy. Don't play. Let him know how much you love him but there is a way to turn this around before it is too late.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dilemna (May 23, 2015)

Thanks for that. I have tried this approach but maybe I need to be more assertive.

Do you think I should book a councellor for him? Last time he agreed that he should see someone but never made any appointments.....


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are the two of you?

While it's his responsibility to take care of himself and his health, I think that you are going to have to make the appointments for a counselor and take him to make sure he goes.

He sounds depressed. A person has to be very depressed to let himself go to the point of not taking care of personal hygiene, teeth, etc.

You have been able to make what are basically life-altering changes in your weight and health. He is still struggling. His issues with weight and health are probably based on something very different than yours. So while he can lose weight for a while if he maintains a strict regiment, something very important is not being addressed. So he eventually give in to urges to eat the wrong things, etc.

An example of one thing that could be causing this is gut bacteria. I don't know if you have been following the new research in this area.

We often think that people just need to get some will power. Well, here are a couple of articles that can give you can idea of what he might be struggling with.

Slim Down With the Good Bacteria in Your Gut - Diet Fitness - Health.com

How Gut Bacteria Help Make Us Fat and Thin - Scientific American




Why is he having trouble holding on to a job?


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## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

in your title you say you love him heart soul, , , with that being said I find it odd that he repulses you. Of coarse looks matter but I would think that would be decided when you first met him. If we got into a car accident and became scarred would you stop loving him ? I'm not saying that your wrong for no longer being attracted to him but perhaps you do not love him as much as you did and your using his looks to break it off with him.


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## dilemna (May 23, 2015)

Yes he has made this exact point to me, that I was okay with his weight when we first met, so why the trouble now?

The difference is that he was losing it, and lost it, when we first met. Now he is going the other way, over and over again. To make it ever more complicated, he often credited me and our relationship with his success. This makes me feel like it's my fault that he can't keep the weight off anymore.

I am not trying to find a reason to leave him, I promise you. I do not want to raise small children on my own. We are both in our 30s now.

The issue with his teeth is that he needed braces when he was young and never got any. Because of the crookedness of his teeth, they need extra care, but he doesn't go to the dentist. This means that his teeth are dirty, crooked and rotting.

He loses a lot of jobs. I don't value money very highly, so as long as he is working I'm okay. However, I am an academic who is very passionate about my career, and it is frustrating for me to see him lose jobs that he doesnt' really care about anyway. This is related to the problem with his weight, I think, but I'm not a pyschologist.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> How old are the two of you?
> 
> While it's his responsibility to take care of himself and his health, I think that you are going to have to make the appointments for a counselor and take him to make sure he goes.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the links! I recently left a 29 year desk job & got a extremely physical one partly to try lose more weight. I go to sleep every night with all muscles SORE. Not much happening in the weight loss area, even with a restricted diet. 

OP - for your husband, weight loss may be the biggest battle he will face. Having a spouse say they are not attracted to you is painful, and he does have motivation. Problem is, quitting smoking or drinking is easier as you don't NEED either of them to survive.


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## Brigit (Apr 28, 2015)

dilemna said:


> My husband (Mike) has gained a lot of weight. I am struggling because I find it really unattractive. On top of this, he doesn’t take care of himself physically (his teeth, his hair, his clothing choices…..) and I find it really gross. He also struggles to hold onto a job.
> 
> Let me give you some history. When I met Mike 11 years ago, he was very overweight (like 130kgs on a 5”11 frame). I was mentally unhealthy at the time, but we began a very intense relationship – he was my first real boyfriend. We fell so in love with each other and together became healthy. In the process of me supporting him become physically healthy, I became interested in healthy eating and exercise. I’m not perfect, but I am very into my fitness.
> 
> ...


It sounds like your husband isn't taking care of himself and it's normal to find that repulsive. It's instinctual. 

Hugs.


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## dilemna (May 23, 2015)

richie33 said:


> What other guy you have your eye on? This is always what some female posters will ask when a guy brings up this subject about his wife.


Haha - no there is no one else. When I ask myself if I would rather stay or be alone, the answer is to stay. Don't get me wrong, I'd be fine by myself, but I have children to think about too. I would be breaking my kids' hearts if we couldn't make this work - they love their dad so much. As I said, he is an amazing father.

I do wonder what would happen if someone came along. I would never cheat on my husband, though. But sometimes I feel like it's just a matter of time...... 

That's not what I want at all.


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## dilemna (May 23, 2015)

richie33 said:


> It would be the first question you would ask if the genders were reversed. Guy has been a mess since she met him.


No that is not accurate, he has not been a mess since I met him. He got down to a healthy weight after our first year together and stayed that way until we got married. I thought he had changed for good, but now I know I was wrong.


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## P51Geo1980 (Sep 25, 2013)

dilemna said:


> My husband (Mike) has gained a lot of weight. I am struggling because I find it really unattractive. On top of this, he doesn’t take care of himself physically (his teeth, his hair, his clothing choices…..) and I find it really gross. He also struggles to hold onto a job.
> 
> Let me give you some history. When I met Mike 11 years ago, he was very overweight (like 130kgs on a 5”11 frame). I was mentally unhealthy at the time, but we began a very intense relationship – he was my first real boyfriend. We fell so in love with each other and together became healthy. In the process of me supporting him become physically healthy, I became interested in healthy eating and exercise. I’m not perfect, but I am very into my fitness.
> 
> ...


You mentioned that you found Thyroxin. Was it in a prescription bottle? Might he have an underlying thyroid problem that you are not aware of?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dilemna (May 23, 2015)

P51Geo1980 said:


> You mentioned that you found Thyroxin. Was it in a prescription bottle? Might he have an underlying thyroid problem that you are not aware of?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, the pills were not in a prescription bottle. They were coupled with some other pills, also not in a prescription bottle-- forget what they were called. He says he got them from a doctor, but wouldn't let me come to any appointments with him or anything. This was about 2 years ago.

There is a lot of dishonesty as well.

I'm starting to feel like we're not going to be able to fix our marriage.


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## imperfectworld (Jan 18, 2015)

Has he or is he willing to try a fully managed diet program? I was finally able to lose the weight I wanted by doing one last year...personal coach with weekly office appointments, special packaged foods, and my meals spelled out to me on a spreadsheet. I was able to get further than my goal and match my very skinny high school weight. I say this because it was so transformative for me, but it also eliminated household arguments about food etc since I was accountable to a third party.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Another moderator deleted a number of posts for threadjacking. Please stick to the topic at hand. Thanks.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Love doesn't make you blind. Let's not make up stories here about how love conquers all. We're not living in a fantasy world. Can we leave the unicorns farting rainbows BS on FB ffs.

I make appointments for DH to go to the dentist, otherwise he wouldn't go. This is something I do because it's more important to me than it is to him, and I've never been able to convince him to make it a priority. I think you need to make him regular visits to have his teeth cleaned because he's just not going to do it for himself, and no one wants to kiss a mouth full of rotten teeth.

As for the weight, research, research, research. The more you know, the better equipped you will be to deal with these issues.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Don't focus on the weight. He feels like a failure there.

The more times he does that and yo-yos back, the harder it will be.

Focus on what he can do.

He can go to the dentist.

He can maintain his hygene better.

He can at least maintain his current weight without gaining more.

All that he can do today, right now. And once that is a lifestyle, perhaps he can feel like he can succeed at the weight.

Tell him pretty much exactly what you said in your first post.

If he decides not to go to the dentist or maintain even basic hygene... deal breaker.


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