# I can't figure out what is going on or why she wants out the door



## IDon'tKnowWhatToDo (May 18, 2009)

Where to begin... some background info I guess. I have been with my wife for 10 years, married almost 5. We have a 3 year old and a 1 year old. She has depression but doesn't always take her meds, but she swears this is not the reason for this issue. She cheated on me 2 years ago and I'm still dealing with jealousy issues stemming from that.

She wants to take a few weeks apart, but I get the feeling this is just her way of severing the ties. I'm still really confused about why this has blown up to such a big thing, but that's sort of why I'm posting this. 

Our current fight started when she made friends with some people I work with. She got along well with one of the guys and, although we're not close, I have literally trusted him with my life (served in Iraq together) and do not think he would ever cross the line, it still made me uncomfortable. She pretty much has no friends that are not good friends or family of mine and she just wants to have a few friends more on her own. 

Since she cheated on me, I've gone from being very relaxed and trusting and pulled a 180. I am overzealous when it comes to her and guys because the infidelity of 2 years ago is still pretty fresh, it was a tramatic event for me, and frankly I haven't learned to trust her like that again.

Her current complaint is that I'm too controlling, but she uses that as an example and goes back and lists all the times that I was a crappy boyfriend/fiancee the 5 years we were together before we even got married. Examples, I wasn't around after the abortion we had when I was 20 and she 19 (a very traumatic incident for her and a regretful one for me) and didn't stand up for her while her mother steered her towards that decision. That I spent so much time with friends after she moved to the city I lived in after being together off and on for the 1st year... and so much of her resentment sits from those years. She got sick with an eating disorder and (although I stayed with her, visited her in the hospital, and tried to help her get healthy again) I abandoned her through that somehow.

Yes, we started dating young, we got engaged very early (3 years before marriage), and we married sort of early (her 23 and me 24). Aside from a deployment for a year, I've been a very present spouse the entire time. I get nights out with my friends once a week, 2 times for special things. She stays home with the kids during the day (she got laid off last Fall) and goes and does school work after I get home, then has classes 1 night a week. We go do things on the weekends as a family. I do my fair share with the kids when I get home from work. I try and bend over backwards to accomodate a social life for her since she accomodates one for me. I can just never do enough somehow.

She has decided that we need some time apart. She was planning on staying with her new guy friend that I previously mentioned which caused another fight (although he has no interest in being pulled into the middle of it and realized how bad an idea that was). Now she's planning on staying in a hotel. I just don't know how to bring this back from the edge, how to deal with all this past baggage (her problems with me and my issue of the trust), and get back to a better spot. Time away would be easier, but her taking care of the kids during the day sort of complicates the issue (I can't leave her to take care of them 24/7, and she has to stay close to take them and our neice during the day).

It's long and complicated and there are a lot of past issues... so much so that I don't know how to truley convey everything, but I've been a mature and dedicated husband since we got married, who's tried to keep her happy I can't seem to do it.

Any insights, suggestions, productive thoughts, or whatnot could help. Thank you.


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## Sufficiently Breathless (May 18, 2009)

I'm so sorry you are going through this.. it never is easy. 

I think a lot of what she may be going through might have to do with her not taking her Anti Depressants. When someone is suffering from Depression they have a hard time focusing, or really caring about anyone including themselves. I suffer from depression as well, I know if I even miss one day of my AD I suffer badly, and my thoughts and feelings just become an absolute mess.

Have you thought of trying couples therapy? I suggest therapy even for yourself, if you are having a hard time coping with relationship issues. Having someone to talk to thats "outside the box" can be somewhat comforting.

I hope things work out for you. Keep posting so we know how things are going.

SB :smthumbup:


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

A lot of depressed people see other people as objects. you are an object of her happiness and if you arent making her happy, she'll turn you out for something that does. kind of like a new pill. 

If you play the role of always trying to make her happy, then you are just enabling her. you cant make her happy. she's responsible for her own happiness, and you for yours. i think you ought to let her go, and work on finding yourself again.


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