# Help me back off some



## lisalovestom (Oct 10, 2010)

Hi everyone! I'm new here and would love some advice. A little background first. My husband and I will be married 20 years in March. He is 41 and I am almost 38. We have one child, a girl who is 17. I've always wanted lots of sex and it used to be a major fight between us. I think sorta a control issue honestly. Now, we seem to be on the same wavelength overall. We usually have sex 4 or 5 times a week but lots of weeks it'll be more than that. When we do mess around my husband is very generous with me - I'll usually have lots of orgasms before he has his. What is the problem, right?

Well, I feel as though I'm always doing the chasing. I hate that feeling! I feel like I'm the one making the sexy comments, making sure we have sex, creating situations where we will have sex, flirting, and so on. He does it too, but not nearly as often as me and usually as more of a response to me. I'm tired of that though! I want to feel chased and desired. 

I worry that I've sorta created the problem because I don't ever give him the chance. I'm always right there ready to flirt or make a sexy comment or whatever. I'm always concerned about making time for each other and for sex. He never gets to think of it because I've already done it. I want to stop that somewhat. I want to let him chase me some. I want to pretend like I don't care one way or the other if we have sex, flirt, act all sexy or whatever. But then the minute he does any of those things I want to be my regular self. The actual sexual acts between us are amazing - it's all the other stuff that I want to change. 

I just don't know how though. I want to back off and be the "girl". I want him to pursue me. But I'm scared. What if all this time we've been having tons of sex because I'm "making" him. What if I stop all of that and let him chase me that he decides he doesn't want to? What then? So, how do I back off and get over my fear? Help!! LOL!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

lisalovestom said:


> Well, I feel as though I'm always doing the chasing. I hate that feeling! I feel like I'm the one making the sexy comments, making sure we have sex, creating situations where we will have sex, flirting, and so on. He does it too, but not nearly as often as me and usually as more of a response to me. I'm tired of that though! I want to feel chased and desired.


Oh the similarities here !! This was my story/feelings as well not too long ago, my coming out thread here >>> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...inate-enough-wives-who-how-reverse-roles.html

First I will say, you can not "make" him have sex with you, if you are speaking of erection sex , unless he is taking Viagra, and even then they claim "desire" is still necessary for it to do it's magic. His Erections SPEAK to his wanting to be there WITH YOU IN THE MOMENT, so erase that "needy - burdening" thought from your mind, flush it away. Your husband LOVES sex !

I also questioned what you are questioning -- what if I stop and he does not pursue, how I will handle it. I knew I would not handle it at all well in reality, this speaks of my impatience for sure. 

My husband has always been overly affectionate, maybe not as HOTLY as I fantasized about when I started feeling this way, but it was there & consistent daily. This was enough (unless I was PMSing) to have that feeling of Love / Acceptence / Wanting wash over me daily to not break my flirting/teasing spirit towards him. 

It came to the point that I realized I could not change him to be this Aggressive Erotic force I had in my head (I was being quite the critical horny housewife), but what I had right in front of me was certainly "enough" to fullfill my deepest needs as a woman in love with her husband. 

During this time & a tremendous amount of soul searching sex talk on both our ends, I also discovered my husband always had a thing for the more aggressive type woman sexually, which I certainly am, so wonders of wonders, I am fullfilling HIS fantasies.  

I truly feel now, after learning SO much here, whomever has the higher sex drive (many times men in younger yrs & women as we age), it simply falls more on us to be that creative force, even the more aggressor to arouse our spouses, we know this blesses our Union, that sweet intimacy we share -so Be what YOU ARE before him -a passionate HOT housewife ! 



lisalovestom said:


> I've always wanted lots of sex and it used to be a major fight between us. I think sorta a control issue honestly. Now, we seem to be on the same wavelength overall. We usually have sex 4 or 5 times a week but lots of weeks it'll be more than that. When we do mess around my husband is very generous with me - I'll usually have lots of orgasms before he has his. !



Re-read what you said here- sounds like you have already made tremendous progress !! You have gotten your lower drive husband to step up & receptively give you sex well over 4 times a week & no more fighting. Must be doing something very right ! I am so curious to learn of how this change came about -as men generally slow down as they are- due to declining Testosterone levels. ??


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## Ladybugs (Oct 12, 2010)

hi Lisa,
I am also the mom of a teenage girl, that is a whole other thread!! anyways, I understand what your saying and i agree...i believe generally speaking men have a kind of need to be 'the man', and not that you shouldnt ever initiate sex, not like that, but just imo, I think the sex would be better, also you would feel better, if you step back and let him step into the place of initiating...
in a subtle way, start to step back and act vaguely disinterested, (not rejecting) of sex. Maybe disinterested isnt the right word, more like if you start to busy yourself with stuff, and leave it to him


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## Sierra61 (Feb 22, 2010)

Lisa, I could have written your post. I do almost all the initiating with my husband as well, it's always been this way. I also have sex 4-5 times a week, sometimes a little less. So I won't complain since the frequency is high.

I have tried to get my husband to initiate and he's just shy in that manner and probably will not change. You can nag your husband in a similar way and some men are just not the initiating types.


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