# Confused, Guilty and Seeking Solace



## GottaBeMe (Jan 29, 2013)

Hi All

First post on a forum EVER... Sorry it’s a stupidly long one.

I guess I’m just looking for solace, really - somehow I feel slightly comforted if other people are going through what I’m going through. In many cases, though, the posts I've read on here are several months or years old and I’m sure the OPs have got through their crisis one way or the other, and I so envy them for that.

Anyway, my story: I’ve been married for nearly 10 years (together for 16) to my wife who’s 12 years older. We met in 1996 when I was at uni and she had just left a very unhappy 11yr marriage to her first husband, taking her two children (girl 5 and boy 7) with her. Before her, I'd never had a serious girlfriend, and she was my first sexual partner.

After I graduated in 1997 I got a job 90 miles away, but decided to live near to her and commute every day. I rented an apartment for 6 months but probably spent fewer than 10 nights there in total – most evenings after work I drove over to hers and stayed there. As she had no-one to look after the kids in the evenings, the only time we could spend together was at hers. As soon as the lease expired on my flat, I moved in with her. We never had the normal “living-apart and dating” aspect of a relationship.

From day one I had difficulty forming an emotional attachment to her children, especially with the older one. I was still very immature and we had a very rocky first few years because of it. While I did everything I could to support her and the children financially and practically, I was never able to provide much in the way of emotional support to the children, and so she took on that role entirely. 

We had a daughter in 1999 but that almost ended up with us separating because I was too immature to cope with the parental responsibilities. I was midway through taking legal qualifications at the time which took all of my focus and I was an absolutely terrible father and partner for the first year or so after she was born. Until recently, I had considered that to be my biggest failure in life and it contributed to our deciding not to have any more children, something I now deeply regret.

Because of my emotional weaknesses, my wife would deal with all of the domestic/parental issues surrounding her two children and would always put them first in any situation or argument with me. If any problems arose, she would deal with them on her own without involving me. I know now it was to protect me from having to get involved in something she thought I couldn’t cope with. The older child was particularly difficult – he had serious anger and behaviour issues from an early age (not surprising I guess given the breakup of his mum and dad) and has caused us a fair few problems over the years, particularly his late teenage years (he’s 23 now and much better). My wife and I used to have many heated arguments over his behaviour and how she constantly pandered to him. In any argument, especially about the children, I was always in the wrong and I always ended up being the one who apologised. I don’t recall her ever backing down or saying sorry. 

Although I didn’t really understand it at the time, I gradually started to feel more and more emotionally isolated from my wife and the family – on more than one occasion I told her that I felt there were two factions in the house: her and her two children on the one side, and then me on the other, with our daughter flitting between the two. My wife never took me seriously and dismissed those sorts of comments as pathetic. 

She was probably right, but for a very long time I resented my wife and her two children SO MUCH – I felt that I was there just as a source of income (I have a well-paid job and my wife hasn’t had to work since 2002) and not really part of the family. I resented her for leaving me out of things and treating me more like a paying lodger, and I resented the kids for taking up so much of her attention (did I say I was immature? Well, there you go.) 

Basically, I felt like I was on my own but trapped in a world that I wasn’t really part of, without any of the benefits of being single. After a while, though, I got used to the feeling of being lonely and after a few more years I started to become obsessed with being alone for real. For the past 3-4 years I’ve thought about nothing else than living on my own, independent and self-sufficient. I know everyone has those feelings from time to time, my wife keeps telling me that. But I think this is different - the feeling is constant and overpowering and it has made me very unhappy for the last few years. 

I have often thought about getting a job overseas, where I’d have to commute out on a Monday and return home on a Friday – to me that would be heaven. I even applied for some, but they didn’t materialise. Instead, I began spending much more time at work so I would be later getting home, I took up solitary hobbies and sometimes pretended to go away on business for the night, just so I could be alone (not to be with anyone else).

Needless to say, I hid my feelings from my wife who knew none of this and was happy and contented, until recently. 

Now for the really sorry part...last May I started a regular exercise class to try and lose weight. I met someone there that I hit it off with – she was in a marital crisis and felt the same way as I did about wanting to be alone. We used to talk a lot after classes and confided in each other things that we’d never tell our partners. We had so much in common – same outlook on life, same tastes in music, movies, social activities etc. Naively, we made plans for what we’d do (together and apart) when we were out of our current relationships. In hindsight it was the start of a very intense EA which, regrettably, became a brief PA in mid-December. 

I was so self-absorbed with the exhilaration of the affair and the intensity of my feelings for her that I don’t think I ever spared a thought for my wife or children, or what it would do to them if they found out or if we separated. I became withdrawn at home and for the few days leading up to Christmas my wife constantly asked me why I was so moody. Eventually she badgered me so much that on Christmas Eve (could there have been a worse time, for God’s sake?) I broke down and confessed all. I don’t know why I told her the truth, or why I did it then – I’ve not cried at anything for over 20 years but that day I completely cracked and after telling her I just sobbed for most of the day and for several days afterwards. Christmas wasn’t great…

She was shattered, absolutely devastated, but held it together over Christmas and New Year for the kids and the rest of the family. She was so strong and dignified the whole time. Part of me wishes she had kicked me out of the house when she found out – it’s the coward’s way out, I know, but at least the decision would have been made. Had it not been Christmas, I think she would have, but in the end she didn’t.

Since then we’ve been having a really difficult time, especially her. In an attempt to be completely honest, I told her how I’d been feeling over the past few years, and obviously that was almost as hard for her as hearing about the affair. She now thinks our marriage has been a sham for the last few years. She cries frequently – it’s completely heart-breaking to see and hear. She says she loves me, has just about forgiven me for the affair, and desperately wants to make the marriage work. 

I’ve said I’ll try to work at it, too, and I have started counselling, both psychiatric and marital. The psychiatrist has diagnosed me with moderate to severe schizoid personality disorder, which perhaps explains the desire to be alone all the time, my life-long lack of friends (my choice, in most cases) and my difficulty with emotional intimacy. I’m sceptical about the marital counselling – one session a week, on my own initially, does not seem likely to produce quick results.

Problem is, my heart isn't really in it and I now seem to be permanently depressed and unhappy. I have absolutely no enthusiasm for anything and can’t seem to bring myself to be cheerful with anyone, including my wife, which is just making it even harder for her. It’s as though if I’m cheerful, she might think I’m back to normal and that everything is alright again – but it’s not alright, I’m not alright and it’s like I need her to understand that. 

I have no motivation to do any of the hobbies I used to enjoy, I’m really struggling to focus at work, I’m waking at 3am every day and can’t get back to sleep, and I’ve lost almost 20lb just since Christmas. 

I do love my wife very much. She is loving, caring, very attractive, a great mother, and she’s looked after me for the last 16 years of her life. If she needed 24hr care for the rest of her life I would gladly give it. But (and here comes the cliché) I don’t think I’m "in love" with her any more. My feelings have changed so much from what’s happened in our relationship over the years. I don’t much look forward to coming home after work as we have almost nothing in common to talk about other than the house and children – now it’s worse as all we talk about is our crisis. I'd rather be alone so I don't have to talk at all.

I know that most of what I’m feeling now is guilt, just so much guilt, for what I’ve done, how I feel and how I’m making her feel. Some of it, I confess, is the loss of my friend/lover – I wanted to be part of her future, but I can’t and I miss her companionship (not the sex, actually) so much that I sometimes feel physically sick. But a large part of it, I’m afraid, is simply utter self-pity at the loss of my hopes and dreams of living on my own one day.

With everything that’s happened, I could have left several times during the past few weeks, but I just can’t bring myself to do it – I’ve hurt my wife so much already, I absolutely can’t bear the thought of hurting her anymore. I guess she would cope, one way or another, if we separated – she’s very independent, financially I’d make sure she would want for nothing and I would throw myself into being a good father to my daughter and try to keep doing all the things I do with her now. 

But the thing is I don’t want my wife to have to “cope” with anything. I want her to be happy and carefree, something I’ve now failed miserably at by what I’ve done.

I feel so completely wretched and confused right now – I genuinely don’t know how to move forward. Every time I take a deep breath and make the decision to do the right thing and put 110% into making it work with my marriage, I get this unbearably sick feeling associated with the loss of my dream, which I now know can never be realised. 

At the moment I just can’t see any hope for the future. I genuinely feel like I am destined to be unhappy forever.

Anyone out there going through anything similar right now? Any words of advice on how I can deal with these feelings? 

Thanks for taking the time to read.


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## newto this (Jan 21, 2013)

GottaBeMe said:


> Hi All
> 
> First post on a forum EVER... Sorry it’s a stupidly long one.
> 
> ...


If you can't bring yourself to leave your wife then you MUST put yourself in it 100 percent. If you love her, you will not treat her this way. DO NOT sit on the fence while your wife suffers and hopes for the future. That is cruel. Man up and make a decision.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GottaBeMe (Jan 29, 2013)

It’s funny how replies to posts tend to fall into two categories: those that empathise (not necessarily sympathise) with the OP and try to offer genuine advice; and those that are more, well, direct.

Newto – thanks for the reply. You are right that I should make a decision and stick to it. It’s obvious what is the right thing to do for my wife and family. But if it were that easy, then those of us who are struggling to reconcile what we should do and how we feel would never need counselling or the support of a forum like this. 

You may also be right that my indecision is being cruel on my wife. But on the other hand, as long as I can’t decide whether to be on my own or to stay, doesn’t that mean there is still a chance for my marriage? And if there’s even a small chance, don’t I owe it to my wife and family not to call it a day without at least taking the time to figure out what I really want?

I had thought the purpose of this forum was to offer “counselling” from people who are going through, or have previously gone through, similar experiences. If my marital counsellor just told me to “man up and make a decision”, I’m not sure I would continue with the sessions. 

I was hoping for practical advice on how people deal with the sort of feelings I’m currently experiencing, regardless of how wrong those feelings might be: the deep sense of loss from no longer being in contact with my friend/lover; my total apathy and lack of enthusiasm for anything at the moment; and the big one, the realisation that a deep-seated hope or dream can’t be fulfilled.

I’m certainly not seeking sympathy at all - I fully deserve and expect criticism for what I’ve done and how I feel, but genuinely constructive advice on how to move forward would be appreciated.


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## newto this (Jan 21, 2013)

GottaBeMe said:


> It’s funny how replies to posts tend to fall into two categories: those that empathise (not necessarily sympathise) with the OP and try to offer genuine advice; and those that are more, well, direct.
> 
> Newto – thanks for the reply. You are right that I should make a decision and stick to it. It’s obvious what is the right thing to do for my wife and family. But if it were that easy, then those of us who are struggling to reconcile what we should do and how we feel would never need counselling or the support of a forum like this.
> 
> ...


Advice? Leave your wife. To leave her in limbo hoping for something that you know is not going to happen is cruel. I am sorry that you are struggling. Try to remember that your individual struggle is wreaking havoc on your wife. It is simply unfair. Sorry you take this as criticism. If you cannot commit your wife TODAY then leave. I am giving you this advice because I have been there. It is so on believably painful to wait and hope that your husband will love you. Let her go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Greg1515 (Nov 30, 2012)

Well I will start by clarifying I am no expert, nor counselor, just a user like yourself who recently came back to these forums to share and learn from other people's experiences.

Reading your post, I have to firstly applaud and congratulate you for finding love and having the courage to not back away from a relationship in which it wasn't going to be "just the 2 of you" from the start.

I was on the flip side of your situation (my wife fell out of live with me, but couldn't bring herself to act on her feelings and ended up hurting me even more by not being honest from the start). However I can relate with you on several things you stated:

"I have absolutely no enthusiasm for anything and can’t seem to bring myself to be cheerful with anyone"

"I have no motivation to do any of the hobbies I used to enjoy, I’m really struggling to focus at work"

"desire to be alone all the time, my life-long lack of friends (my choice, in most cases)"

I had the same issues you do right now. I was raised in a family that ran a very profitable business. My brother and sister each decided to split and started their own companies and are doing even better off by themselves. I however decided to "stick around" to not let the family business be shut down.

I felt no motivation to make it work, and I couldn't blame the business because I had no idea or ambition to start something else. Since going to college I wasn't one to be very open with friends and upon returning home from college, I lost touch with all of them.

However I realized through motivational media I've been looking into, that my lack of motivation was due , not to my marital problems, nor to my perceiving myself as an unambitious individual... it was due to the fact that I had ZERO friends. I used to hang around a basketball "clique" in Jr. High/ High School , and I would practice every day for HOURS, until I became the best player in school, because I was driven to be the best. Same thing when I made a some friends online playing video games, I played constantly because I wanted to be the best.

Point is, Your motivations, goals, dreams are defined by the people who's opinion matters to you. 

If you are still in contact with this woman you had an EA with, then you are going to constantly have dreams/desires/goals with her approval in mind. If you have NO contact with successful people (in life, work, marriage), then you aren't going to want to share their success. 

I'm not going to say what you should do in your marriage. We would need to hear her version of events to have a more accurate assessment of your situation so we could offer proper advice.

However I will say this: YOU need to be happy with yourself first and foremost. You need to ask yourself:

"What is the meaning of my life?"

"What is the ONE thing I must do , that if I don't do it, my life has no meaning?"

It could be:

Striving for Financial Success. 
Having a happy family.
Being adored by masses.
Finding God.

For me, my life's purpose, and it took me a couple of days to reflect on this was:

Helping People.

Find your purpose my friend. Find your way because you are lost. Get a bearing on your life. Once you do that, you will be in a better state of mind to do what's best for you and for her.

P.S. The Guilt you are feeling is most likely due to the fact that in your mind you have already made up your mind about leaving her, but you probably don't want to admit it to yourself openly. Let me tell you, I could SENSE my wife bottling up her desire to leave me. I am pretty sure your wife can too. Which is why it's important for you to learn to be happy BY yourself, FOR yourself, and if you so decide, then SHARE that happiness with your wife or someone else. But you are not doing any good to her, to your kids and most importantly to yourself by being in the state you are in.


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