# How does someone do this?



## JaneDoe2012 (May 23, 2012)

I have been married to my husband for 6 years but actually together for 8.5 years. When I met him I was a single parent with 2 lovely children. He has 4 children but I only knew of 2 up front and he has been married twice but three mom's to his children. None the less we really got along very well. I was doing fantastic in life, working on my bachelors degree and had just purchased my own home, my career was taking off and I was really on top of the world. 

My x use to physically abuse me sometime to the point of me blacking out. So for years I just stayed away from men after finally leaving him. Then in steps Mr. Right and I fell head over heels in love with him. He was a fantastic man. He was always putting me & the kids first when I needed him to. He would cook if I had to work late, he would play with the kids and help them with homework, he was always loving & touching me and other women would always say "I wish my husband paid attention to me likes yours does". He would take care of the stuff around the house and was always bringing home flowers or writing me small notes. We danced together and shared the same hobbies together and if you asked me then I would have told you Nothing & No One could ever split this up, we are two souls meant to be together! 

At about the 3 month mark he moved in with me. His x wives had done a fantastic job at their divorces and he was paying for everything. I got along very well with them. But he could barely afford to live in his studio apt and he was spending so much time with me, well why not move in! I was already paying the bills and everything and the kids loved him. He proposed to me and I said yes right before he moved in but I said we needed to date for a while before we set a date. (As of today all of our children are between 18-23 years old)

Maybe 2 months later I check the mail and there are 2 letters to him from DES. We opened them and this is how I found out about the other two children. 2 children from another country from an overseas tour and he had done nothing for them, claimed he didn't believe they were his. (2 yrs later, paternity test prove they are.) His boys lived in different states and I would schedule and plan all of their trips and make all of the contact for them. It was hard and the mothers would only speak with me. Sometimes he would accidentally have to be away on business when his kids were here and the 5 of us would just hang out. The other mothers didn't care for this so they started fighting on sending them at all. After years of me being the middle man for them all the kids all got together and told him "YOU have to do this! If YOU want to see us or talk to us YOU do it!" That was in May 2011, since then he has only spoken to 1 of his children continuously, the oldest. When they were visiting a lot my little single family home was way too small. In 2006 we got married and built a large enough home for all of us to live in comfortably. (2006, the year the housing market bottomed out, yup 2 months after we closed, UGH!) I moved into a permanent position in my career and he was passing me on the income scale as well. 

Over the next few years several major things happened. In year 1 we joined all bank accts (Not married). He started slipping on his responsibilities, like not taking the cars for service. He actually waited so long for his own truck that the engine blew up for no oil. Yep I helped pay the way out of that. I am great at finances and so I just took over everything. I paid off all of his debt (with our joint money), since I didn't have any debt other than the house. Well at about year 2 I went to check the bank statement on line and everything was gone $0.00! All of the main accts, savings accts, my kids college saving accts, All Gone! The state had levied the accts because of the back child support. I didn't realize that even though you were paying they could still just take it all and they did. None the less I sucked it up, I loved him. He was a hard worker and had a really good job (I was the bread winner but still he wasn't far behind me). I finished my bachelors degree and got him set up helped him through the completion of his. Then I enrolled us both in the Masters degree program together. On the next to last class (me having a solid 4.0 the entire time) I received my grade of an F! WTH---I called the dean, the teacher said I plagiarized off of my husband's paper since he submitted it first he gets credit! I confronted him and said he wasn't aware he had done it. I fought for 2 months and had to take the entire class over. We graduated together, I still got my 4.0. 

When I first met my husband I use to talk to him all of the time about starting and running my own business. There was even a time I had gone far enough as to get private investors and silent partners and was really going to do it. I didn't because the kids were getting close to graduating and I figured I could wait that out. Well over time he started to build back up his confidence and the debts were all coming down. In 2010 I was offered an opportunity to open the business & we both agreed that he was at a point in his career that it would be best if he quit and I remained the stable income partner. I helped create every aspect of the new business while still mothering, wiving and working. I introduced him to people to help get things moving and helped write up all of the operational documentation to get it going. His credit was shot and even though I thought we were going to get a loan together I found out he applied for the finance data in my maiden name without my knowledge. I wanted it all to to succeed so why would I complain. I would have done it anyway had he spoken to me about it. We are now at year 2 with the business and it is doing phenomenal. So much so that our kids are enjoying the finer things in life and so have we. 

At year 1 of the business I had to have a complete hysterectomy and he not only stopped touching me but I found out he was speaking with a woman he dated years ago via email and phone. I was crushed. He quickly apologized and contacted her with me there and cut all ties. He explained he was scared and didn't know who to talk to so he contacted her. (sigh) I had a male friend at work that I would talk to and he would try and help me understand it all. I new this friend for years before I knew my husband. When my husband found out i was speaking to him about my emotions he got very upset and told him to never talk to me again. I agreed with him because I remember the feelings I felt (only I never dated this man). The friend actually changed jobs and I have never seen nor spoken to him again. So we are getting back on track....or so I think.

Well---As with any business he has to travel a lot. I never minded because I use to travel alot as well. In Oct 2011 he scheduled a trip to Vegas of which I joined him. Little did I know that he met a lady there and had a fling with her while I was right there. When I found out in NOV and confronted him, he packed his stuff and left me. After a week he came back so Sorry. What was I to do, I married for better or for worse, sickness or in health, and after everything I had put into this I wasnt going to let some home wrecker enjoy the fruits of my labor. One month of counseling and he shows up at Christmas with a brand new Mercedes (my dream car=more debt). I would say that since then I have really just been numb and speechless. He said I just needed to get over it move past it and be done, never to bring it up again. He stopped talking to me, scheduled trip after trip, ignores my phone calls, wont reply to text msgs, plays golf every weekday and stays out to drink until 7 or 8pm and on weekends he leaves at 7am and doesn't come home until 8pm. He says he needs to be by himself, that he is a man and I need to give him his time. 

Well, here comes May 2012...Another trip to Vegas, same conference. He tells me he wants me there with him so I see that I can rebuild my trust in him and see that he doesn't want anyone else. I agree. I arrive one day after him and I find out she is there. I say nothing (seriously, NOTHING). I get dressed to the nines and head out with my man in the town he proposed to me in and that we spent every year celebrating our lives together in. At a moment of weakness I ask if I'm prettier than her. He says yes (she is 10yrs older than me) and then gets so mad he tells me he doesn't want to be with me anymore because I will never let it go, never get over it. He would rather be alone to drink his scotch, smoke his cigars and not be responsible for anyone. He left me there in the room by myself for 3 days while he racked up the Credit Cards taking who knows out on the town. My dinner plans with him got celebrated with other people. I finally told him I was going home and he actually drove me to the airport and dropped me off without a word. He stayed there another 2 days. When I picked him up from the airport he said again he was done with us, blah, blah, blah... I said you don't get to just walk away. We agreed to start paying off any debt we had and try to sell the house (that is still upside down) and just take a break from each other. Now that he is no longer in fantasy Vegas land and has to face reality and our friends and family he is all lovey dovey again. Wants to have sex now and wants me to sit and talk with him. For past several months this is what I wanted. I would beg and plead with him to spend time with me, but no. He still wants to come and go as he pleases but he is no hurry to do anything. I have no idea what I want but I know I am done being treated this way. 

How does a person take someone that has given everything to them, helped them in every way in their life to reach the point they are and then just toss them aside. 

How is it okay to think he will get to just leave and take the business and all the profits and leave me with nothing? 

I know at one point he was my night in shinning armor, we were inseparable, we were one unit and now it seems as though money and power and greed have taken over. He has put on over 100 lbs and drinks at least a fifth of scotch daily. I don't want to see him throw away everything we have worked so hard for. Nor do I want him to be so spiteful of me when all I did was love and honor him. 

I am so confused...any advice you can provide would be really appreciated. 

Thank you.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

I don't want to be one of those ugly people that says "use paragraphs", but yeah -- use paragraphs.

You need to see a lawyer tomorrow. Tomorrow morning. This is not playing around. This is serious stuff. See a lawyer. You can work out the emotional stuff later, after you have safeguarded yourself.


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## JaneDoe2012 (May 23, 2012)

First time posting, I appologize for the format error and have reformatted. 

As for the Lawyer--- I Know. I am not on this site for legal advice, not that it wouldn't be welcome but I have already begun that process. I thought this site was to help with the emotional aspect hence the questions I asked above. I'm just looking for others that may have been through similar situations and how they dealt with not blaming themselves or understanding that which is not understood. 

Thank you for all of the support.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

My knight in shining armour cheated one me with a hooker so I kind of know how you feel. Never in a million years would I have thought he would do such a thing.

That was 2 years ago and we are VERY happy today, but if he hadn't done all the heavy lifting, we wouldn't be together. Your husband sounds like he has ZERO remorse for what he did and has no intention of changing.

Have you read up here or elsewhere about the 180? Right now I think that would be one of the best things you could do for yourself. This man does not define your happiness - YOU do.


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## JaneDoe2012 (May 23, 2012)

Thank you Hope.

I am so sorry you went through that but am very happy to hear that you are doing so well now. 

I think I agree with you that he is not remorsful for the most part. It seems like when he is only sorry (the words) when I start just focusing on my instead of him. 

I have not read anything about the 180? Can I find it on this website? I will try anything. 

Thank you.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Here's some links to read. They're in the Coping with Infidelity forum. A lot of people in there have great links in their sig lines too.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...e-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html#post430739

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go-16.html#post536041


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